Patrick Reece never went to college but ended up paying the bills by working in a diner. But he had a plan to better himself by writing original songs.

An audition for backing singer seemed like an opportunity to break into the music business and maybe get his work noticed.

He didn’t get that job but the alternative offer was—something else.

Marianne Gregory’s first novel takes Patrick on a long journey through several encounters with upside-down clichés of the music business. It’s a gender-bending romp and lots of fun!

Someone has to be the Patsy!! Part 15 – Going Out

“Welcome to your home, Alice”, I said in my best girl “can we get you a drink?” She said that she now needed something strong and Joanne went off to get her drink. Alice looked at me and said “Please sit over here next to me Patsy. I had come here this afternoon wondering if I would have to lose some face with Al and cancel the Saturday night event and all that would ensue from that action. I can see now that we have a very good chance to make this work. I think that we now need a good story to back up your appearance in Nashville and figure some way that keeps Patrick from being asked for. Has your devious little mind come up with a solution?”

I paused for a few seconds and then said “Well the first thing I can see is how Patrick cannot be contacted. You were brilliant in sending him interstate to check auditions. Perhaps he can become a roving talent scout. You could still have your normal contacts supply you with new names to listen to but could keep a set of papers showing him as the scout so that anyone asking about him can be shown that he is presently in Alaska and he has picked up these previous artists. Of course, the real scouts would get their commission as usual. You have never signed him on, just paid a fee for some material to listen to; which could all be referred to as written for Patsy, his cousin from Florida.”

“As for me, I think that it would be foolish to call me Patsy Reece. I said Florida before as my mother has a sister who is married to a realtor in Orlando. She has never had much to do with us so would not be a problem. She and my mother had the family name of Rogers and my Aunt Rozlynne married a man called Robert Meyers so I could become Patsy Meyers in the short term. If there is anything semi-serious that needs a full name I could be Patricia Ruby Meyers who found out that her cousin was now in the music industry, sent him a few demos and came here to town to do the audition with you. If pressed I can come up with enough Meyers facts that would keep the casual interviewer happy but I am hoping that we can generate enough new interest the old stuff is not bothered about. How would that do?” I sat back and looked at Alice and the girls while they took it all in.

“So,” Alice said “if I sign you to K Beat it will be as Patricia Ruby Meyers. I can see that your commitment to Saturday night is now paramount in your mind and I can assure you that if you continue as Patsy we will be able to use some of our less glamorous contacts to get you full paperwork as Patsy that would enable you to get a new social security number and even a driving license or passport. We can fudge the records so that your birthday is the same date as your original one but a year later so you will now become eighteen – sound good?”

I nodded and then she asked the girls if they had anything to say. Lorraine said “I only met the true Patsy this morning and she is well on her way to being able to pass anywhere, including in a pool in a bikini. She is going to knock ‘em dead, not only on Saturday but for a long time to come.”

Joanne said that perhaps she should report on all that had been done so Alice was aware of other things that may need to happen. “Firstly,” she said, in a matter-of –fact way, “her hair is all her own; no wig or extensions needed. The rate it grows from my being told she used to go to the barber once or twice a year, means that we will not have to worry about the roots coming up muddy for some weeks. The face is merely good make-up but we enhanced the lips. The breasts are state-of-the-art and will not need to be taken off for skin cleaning for maybe a month, likewise with the vagina. Her size is almost perfect size ten but her hips need a bit of extra. Her legs are good because of all the walking she has done and I think we should have an exercise schedule for the three of us.”

“At the rate of beard growth previously I think that the laser on the face will be all that is needed and the body hair can be followed up if, or when, any regrows. The Adams apple is almost non-existent and her hands and fingers already look feminine as she has what is sometimes referred to as guitarist’s fingers. We have only practised walking this afternoon and need to top up the sitting and mannerism skills so I think that a good session tomorrow morning will see her ready and allow her an afternoon down in the studio as I can feel the vibe of songs bubbling around inside her.” She then gave Alice a memory stick with the photos of my transformation.

Alice had been making notes and then said “you have all done very well; if all of my employees had the level of commitment that you have we would be a much better company. Maybe you being around will rub off on others as you meet them as you have already given Carl and the band a shot in the arm. I am happy with the back-story and name you have proposed as it is not true but could be. I will need you, Patsy, to sign and employment agreement as Patrick in order to keep the IRS happy and we can make regular payments into that account to keep everything above board. At odd times you can transfer some to your new account and consider it a bonus as you will still be writing songs. When we get you some base paperwork as Patsy you will be able to register with the IRS and other authorities. We can say that you have never worked before so never needed official paperwork. Now, I think that you all deserve a break so I will take you all out for dinner. If you and Joanne go up to your room and find something a little more fancy to wear, but not the outfit Joanne intends for tomorrow evening. I will see if I can book a table.”

When I came down I had changed into the black leather skinny pants with the calf-high black boots and sparkly vivid red top that showed more than a bit of cleavage. Joanne had got me a red sparkly purse and filled it with all I may need. The body was ready but the mind suddenly screamed in fear of being the butt of ridicule. I stopped dead at the door and Alice took my arm on one side and Joanne latched on to the other and I was told I was fabulous and to think Whitney. Heads up, boobs out and strut – you are the star and everyone will bow to your magnificence! Much as I didn’t want to believe them it was sure nice to hear so I got in the car and we were off for a girls night out; another first time experience.

We ended up in the entertainment district and pulled into the carpark of what looked like another old theatre. I commented on this and Alice said there were a few around town as the movies had been big in Nashville and many of them doubled as stages for live music. This one turned out to be a theatre/restaurant with tables in front of the stage. As we walked up to the door a beaming, rotund, man came out with his arms wide and welcomed Alice like an old friend. He wanted to know who these ‘lovely ladies’ were and Alice told him that we were a new act that was just starting out. He gave us all a hug and said “Welcome lovely ladies, welcome to my humble eatery. I am Mario and I am sure that Alice has bought you here tonight as we have a karaoke competition on Friday nights, come on in and we will find you a table near the stage.” I looked over to Alice and just said “Oh, you are so wicked.”

We sat down and ordered our drinks and meals, Alice having bourbon while the girls and I kept on soft drinks. The meal was excellent and I thought that if this keeps up I am going to have to get a lot more exercise. The competition started and there was a line-up of the proverbial good, bad and downright ugly and then Mario got on the stage and told the audience that they were in for a treat as they would be the first to hear a new group in town who would be taking K Beat to the top of the charts. No pressure again – right!!!

Part 16 – Karaoke

I gave Alice a bit of a stare as I got up from the table. She said ‘Go get them, girl”. The three of us went up on stage and Mario said “What do you want” to which I replied that I would like three microphones side by side as we were a group, not individual singers. While he got that organised I had a look at the karaoke play list and pointed a couple out to the girls. They nodded their heads with smirks appearing on their faces then Mario told the crowd they were in for a treat. I am sure that this was his job but it would all go to pot if we clammed up on the opening lines. I stepped up to my microphone and told the crowd that we would not be in the running for the competition prize as we may be professionals and introduced the girls and me before hitting the go button on the karaoke. Immediately the opening of ‘Stop, in the name of love’ swelled up we hit it with full force. It felt wonderful to be on a stage and singing again after a stressful few days. The girls were magnificent and we belted our way to the end of the song when the crowd went wild, clapping and cheering. Mario came back on stage and asked the patrons what they thought and someone shouted ‘More!’

Mario said that it was not often a karaoke singer was asked back and asked us if we would do another. I pointed out “Dancing in the street’ to the girls and they nodded. I told them that we would have to alternate lead on this and hit the play button. I took the first then Joanne took up the next verse with Lorraine chiming in after with all of us singing the ‘dancing in the street’ line. I looked down at Alice sitting at the table and she was grinning broadly with her phone aimed at us. We got to the end and the crowd still shouted more. I asked Mario if there was a guitar in the place that I could use and he scurried off and quickly came back with an enormous Gretsch Country Gentleman semi acoustic. “I play myself; there is a wireless transmitter in the jack which is linked into the PA”.

I played a chord to check the tuning and the sound came through clearly. I did have to swap my bracelets from my right wrist to the left. After saying to the girls that we will sing ‘Wait’ I stepped up to the microphone and said “Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Do you think this guitar looks big on me?? “There was a bit of laughter so I carried on “At least I will have something to hide behind if you start throwing bread rolls. I know it’s odd to have a karaoke night and then see a singer on stage not using the machine. The reason is that this song is not on the machine is because we recorded it only last week. This is “I’ll wait for ever”. We then sang our new song to the public for the first time and as the last chord faded away people stood up and cheered loudly.

We stood there on the stage with big smiles on our faces and tears in our eyes. I think it is going to work. Someone shouted ‘more’ again so I said “At the moment we do not have more of our recorded work that is suitable as the rest of it, at present, is only good for dance clubs. However, I will sing you a song that is so new that no-one has heard it played, not even me. It has been growing in my head over the last few days and reflects the changes I have experienced. I do beg of your forgiveness if it turns out to be rubbish so here goes. I call it ‘The Changeling’”. I turned to the girls and said that the chorus line is ‘Things they are changing, everything is changing’ sung twice. They repeated it back to me and I stepped up to the microphone again. This would be Patsy’s true debut. I played my intro tune and started singing.

“I used to live in Orlando, not far from Disneyland
But now I’m here in old Nashville and singing with a band”

I nodded to the girls and we sang the chorus. I then doodled around the chord.

“I’m not sure how it happened but, there’s folk think I’m a star
They tell me I’ll be famous soon; they say that I’ll go far”

Again we did the chorus and I doodled again.

“I never thought too much about my dressing or my looks
But now it seems that I must buy new fashions found in books”

Chorus (I could see people swaying in their seats, wow!)

“I was once drab and blended with the normal thronging crowd
But now I’m blessed to be well dressed and told to stand up proud”

Chorus (I could see some people singing along with us now.)

“I was alone in mind and soul, existed, yes, no fun
My world was dark, an endless night, but now I see the sun”

Chorus (yes, I could definitely see them singing along.)

“I may be young but still I thought there was no one for me
But I must say my hearts been caught, with loving eyes I see”

Chorus

“The future is an unknown thing, and who could plot its track
But it’s easier when you know you love - and you know that they love back”

We did the chorus for the last time and at the end I sang

“I am the Changeling” and played the final chord.

Well, the house erupted, I took off the guitar and gave it back to Mario and we took our bows. When I turned away from the microphone Joanne gave me a rib-cracking hug and I could see tears running down her face and then Lorraine hugged me and I took their hands and we walked off the stage and back to our table. “Did we get them, Alice?” I asked. “In spades, girls, I am just so proud of the three of you; it was a wonderful performance off the cuff”.

We finally were able to have our desserts and then some coffee but it was difficult as people were coming over to us all of the time to congratulate us and to assure us that they would be buying our records as soon as they came out. A few even wanted me to sign their menus! Mario sat down and told us that he would be happy to host the full band if we stuck to the ballads as there was no room in the place for dancing. Alice said that she would keep it in mind. Mario then said that our meals were on the house as payment for our set.

Back in the car we were all quiet for a while. Lorraine was in the front with Alice and Joanne and I were in the back seat holding hands. Alice then told us that she had recorded our performance on her phone as four individual songs as well as my intros. She then said that she had sent them through to her computer in the office and also a set to Sarah. She said that it was a rare event at Mario’s for the patrons to be so enthusiastic as the usual Friday crowd was only there to have fun at the expense of the bad karaoke singers. She dropped us off at the house saying that she may see us on Saturday during the day. Lorraine gave Joanne and me a hug each and drove away in her car; which left just the two of us. We opened the door and went in, hand in hand.

Marianne G 2020

Someone has to be the Patsy!! Part 17 – Contracts

Saturday morning started out with me waking up with Joanne beside me and looking at me with a smile on her face. “What!” I said “I took my make-up off last night; have I grown a zit during the night?” She just laughed and slid out of bed saying she had first dibs on my ensuite. To say that this was not my usual Saturday morning would be an understatement indeed. While I waited for her to come out I laid back and thought about last night. Did we go over the top? Was all of the applause genuine? Had I actually grown a zit?? When she came out she came over to the bed and gave me a kiss before saying she was heading to her own room for a shower and to dress. She said for me to get myself presentable and to see about putting on some basic make-up myself before I go down to breakfast.

In the shower the water played on bits of my body that were new and novel. I had to take my hat off to the makers of the breasts as the sensory connections certainly worked well during the night. I put on my underwear, wriggled into a pair of jeans and pulled a top on before making the bed and sitting at the vanity to open up my very own box of make-up. It took a few tries and the waste wipers were piling up in the bin but I finally thought that I could be presentable so went downstairs for breakfast.

We sat quietly at the kitchen table eating a light breakfast that Joanne had prepared and drinking our coffees and I said “I think that last night at the restaurant has shattered any fear I may have had. Tonight will only be a problem as the guys have met Patrick and spoken at length. I just hope they don’t see through me.” Joanne said that we would work a bit on feminine mannerisms and speech patterns that would deflect any chance of that happening. Just then the house phone rang; it was Sarah and when Joanne answered she asked if I was in the room and being told I was she told Joanne to put the speaker phone on. We sat at the table with the phone between us and said to Sarah that we were ready so she then said “I looked at the video of the four songs you did last night and I have to congratulate you both on a great performance. The Supremes style of presentation has opened up a whole new avenue for us should we want to take it. There were a few girls at the audition who were not suitable for our country bands but may well be good additions to your group. I have sent copies of the video to Carl to look at and I want to have a committee meeting sometime next week with the band and you as well as Alice and myself. However, before that I want you in the office today around 11.00am to go over your contracts. Patsy, your contract is no longer dependant on the outcome tonight; Joanne, I know you already signed a backing singer one but I want to tear that one up already and give you another with more lead singer wages. The way you all sang lead parts last night shows that you have the talent. I have already spoken to Lorraine with this information and invited her along this morning as well. Any queries?”

I asked if we would need to run the contracts past an independent lawyer and she told me that all of her contracts were simple and written in plain English and that if any of her legal people put in a ‘hereforto’ or ‘notwithstanding’ they were demoted to cleaning duties for a week. She said that we would be happy with them and she expected me to be on board by the afternoon. She finished the call by saying “Patsy, that ‘Changeling’ song was so beautiful. It was obviously from the heart and, I must admit, I had a tear in my eye at the end. That is not something that happens with hardened old record producers like me. Alice told me about the crowd reaction and I could hear them singing along with the chorus on the video. To get that kind of response is truly amazing. See you later.”

Joanne took the phone and hung it up then turned to me and said “Ok star, let’s get these dishes cleared and get some work in. We don’t have as much time as I thought we would have so we had better get stuck in.”

We put some time into proper sitting and then how to use my hands to express my feelings and then various ways to say no to boys without upsetting them and the morning flew by until we left for the studio. Going up to the big office we found Sarah, Alice, Carl and Ron there at a big table with Lorraine sitting in an easy chair reading a magazine. Sarah got us to sit at the table across from them and Carl opened up the discussion by asking where and when we practised the songs from last night. Joanne took the lead and told him that the last time we had done anything like that before was years ago in the school band and even then I was not a lead singer.

He asked about ‘Changeling’ and I told him that what I said on stage was the truth – to that point of time it was only in my head and there wasn’t even a previous doodle on tape as I had not been able to record my thoughts due to the hecticness of the last few days. Ron then commented that I had created a new record of a zero time in prerecording that would never be beaten. Sarah then said that we were here mainly to get Patsy signed up and that there was a distinct possibility that we need to play live and very soon. She said that we had a number of options, the dance scene, the girl group scene or the pop scene as there was material there for all three. She asked Carl straight out if he would consider playing live and he said that he would love to do so with me out front and that the rest of the band thought it would be a real experience. Alice then told him of my suggestions for a name and he laughed and said that the other guys would love telling all their friends that they had become suddenly innocent. Sarah then asked the others to leave to let her call in the legal eagles so that the three of us could sign contracts. As he left the room Carl winked at me and said “Nice guitar playing last night, it was a pity we couldn’t see you behind that Gretsch!”

We were each given our contracts to look at. Joanne exclaimed when she saw the extra she would get as did Lorraine. Mine was a bit complicated because there were provisions for my writing under the Patsy name, a base salary, and payments for studio time and a separate payment scale for live shows; split into dance, pop and girlgroup. There was, for all of us, a ninety percent share of the profits from record sales and concert takings; to be shared with how many were in the group. This would have been unheard of in the past but the advent of bootlegging video from concerts and file sharing meant that we had to attract big crowds; sell a lot of vinyl or get a lot of paid-for downloads from our website. Carl and the guys were classed as band members and also continued their salary as session musicians. The band names would be Patsy and the Innocent Party for dance and pop events and just Patsy and the Innocent Girls for our girlgroup ones. The names had been checked and copyrighted by the legal eagles. There was also a separate contract for me to sign as Patrick as a contractor in the A&R division with no other set salary. Joanne and Lorraine had clauses in their contracts regarding any work they may do as a duo and their name on those events would be the Innocent Girls. It all looked good and we signed. The girls previous contracts were ritually torn up and we all shook hands with the accountants and lawyers and they left the room.

Sarah and Alice then said they wanted to talk about tonight. An appointment at a salon had been set for later this afternoon and there was going to be a time allocated to dress shopping that worked with K Beat and that they had given Al and DJ Storm the discs for both songs as well as discs of just the backing so that it may be possible for us to perform live. Good job I didn’t worry anymore!

Part 18 – Dance Club

When we left the office I suggested to the girls that we have lunch so we went over to a nearby mall in Joanne’s car and sat ourselves down in an Italian place. I thought that a bit of pasta would give me a bit more energy for later. We sat sucking on our drinks and Lorraine said “Well, I didn’t expect it would be this hectic. Adam is going to get a bit upset if I am not home as often but I think he will just have to get used to it. The prospects that have been put to me in the last couple of days have changed my outlook on how I think about the group. I know you, Joanne, thought I may pull out of it for my love of being a housewife but now my love of entertaining hit me hard last night. I had never been part of public approval like that in my life; it was a bit frightening but uplifting at the same time. The cover stuff I had done before, years ago, but singing new music that had to live or die on its own merits is a bit like playing Russian roulette and it was wonderful to win. I think that you, Patsy, are going to give us a lot of winners in the future.”

I took hold of both of their hands and said “I promise to try and live up to your expectations, girls, but you know that I can’t do it without you. Next week we will have to review the audition tapes for some new additions and we are going to have to put in studio time to kick some of the other songs into submission. I think that Alice wants an album of pop songs ready to demo with FM stations as soon as we can do it and she would also like six or seven dance tracks so we can go live at ‘The Place’. We should also book the practise stage at some time to see if we work with the band behind us, rather than across a room. Those guys will also have to get reacquainted with live playing. They have the talent but do they still have the stamina? Now, we have all afternoon to ourselves, what are we going to do?” Joanne looked at me and said “Patsy, we now teach you the first lesson of girldom – we are going shopping at Sarahs’ preferred boutique so that we have an idea of what needs to be done at the salon to match our dresses. That is going to take up most of the rest of the day and spending time like that on company money is every girls dream. So drink up and let’s get moving.”

My first experience of serious shopping was an eye opener. I tried on lots as we moved from rack to rack but, finally, it was declared that the three of us had the right outer clothing for a night at a club. It was then round two in the lingerie department to get the right underwear followed by round three for shoes. We then made it to the salon loaded with our bags and a huddle transpired with the salon girls making us stand still while they held the dresses up to us. It was like Friday all over again for me and I did have a little grumble. We were told to go and get something to eat as we would not be allowed to do so after the work was done in case we messed our faces. It seemed like a lot to go through for a night out but the girls reminded me of the need to succeed so I quietened down and got with the flow. I had thought that eight hours to get ready for a do was over the top but it was nearly seven when we bundled ourselves and our bags into Joanne’s car and went back to the house. I felt very much the odd person out when it was decided that the large lounge had the room for us to prepare but the girls showed no embarrassment in undressing in front of me and when I undressed as well and looked at myself against them I didn’t feel too far away from being happy with my body as it now was. We got ourselves dressed with the girls introducing me to the wonders of stockings and a garter belt and helped each other into our dresses. I was in a little black dress that covered everything but hid nothing and the girls had complementing fifties style dresses with petticoats. Joanne then pulled out a box which had matching jewellery for the three of us, spritzed us all with scent, inspected our make-up and general appearance and declared that once we were in our new heels we were ready to go out. At 10.00pm a limo pulled up outside, we piled in and it was off to ‘The Place’.

If I wasn’t so wound up by the prospect of the night I think that I would have happily fallen into bed but as we pulled up at the dance club I got my second wind and we linked arms and walked up to the doorman who simply smiled widely and ushered us through. A hostess led us up some stairs to a private lounge overlooking the dance floor. Al was sitting with Sarah, Alice, Ron and Carl. There was a round of hugs and air kisses and Sarah said “Al, I would like to introduce you to Patsy Meyers. She came into town a few weeks ago and Patrick entered her in our audition weekend as she wanted to do some singing. She is Patricks’ cousin from Florida and I think that there must be a music gene in the family as she has many of Patricks’ skills in writing but clearly exceeds his stage presentation.” Al smiled and said he was happy to meet me and that our tracks would be trialled at about 11.30pm. If they worked well he said that Rick would announce that the artists were in the room and would do a live version if desired. He would then call for everyone who wanted to hear us to shout yes. We chatted among ourselves for a while and then Joanne announced that she wanted to dance so the three of us younger folk went back down the stairs and out onto the dancefloor. I started off a bit stilted but eventually got the hang of dancing in heels and it seemed only a few minutes later when I heard Rick announce “Boys and girls, ‘The Place’ is proud to play you a new song by a new artist for you to say yes or no to. Groove away!” The strains of ‘Dancefloor’ thundered over the speakers and I was carried away by the great music and wonderful singer.

As I looked around me it seemed that I wasn’t the only one as there was a mass of writhing teens doing their best to break bones around me. Joanne and Lorraine were in front of me and also madly dancing with their eyes shut. At the end of the track Rick called out “Yes or No” and there was a wild shout of ‘yes’ from the crowd. He then went on “If you liked that then get a load of this” and cued up ‘Bounce’. Well, if I thought it was frenetic before it was almost manic now. At the end of the track he didn’t even have to ask as a rousing ‘yes’ filled the room. I looked at the girls and said,” I think we’re on.” Rick called out “who wants to hear them again? A cry of ‘We do’ filled the room and then he said “We are lucky tonight to have the singers here with us” and a spotlight shone on us. “Come on up girls” and we went up onto the stage where we were given earbuds and hand mics. We waved to the crowd as the opening bars of ‘Dancefloor’ thundered out once again we were entertaining the crowds. The backing disc was really good, Ron had done wonders with the master and it was no trouble singing up a storm. Rick was a bit tricky, though, as he had cued up ‘Bounce” so as one ended we were back into the second one. It was exciting and hectic but my mind was still listening to us and decided that it would be better with another two good singers. When we finished we handed back the mics and buds and left the stage to whistles and squeals, the modern equivalent to gentle applause. As we went back up the stairs I said to Joanne “two more singers, I think” and she replied “that’s’ what I thought, too.” Lorraine looked at us and said “I don’t know how you do it but this just seems to be getting better every time we sing.”

Back in the special lounge we were given the option of drinks and we all chose soft drinks. Al was ecstatic with the reception from the dancers. He gave the three of us hugs and said that he wanted to get Rick to play them again and urged us to get him more of the same as soon as we could. He excused himself and left to do his managerial business.

Alice was sitting there with a big grin on her face. She now had seen us live twice but this was the first time for the others. Sarah said that she now thought she had got a bargain signing us earlier in the day, Carl said that it was going to be a blast when we go live with a full band and Ron just took me by the hand and said that he wanted to be my personal recording manager. Sarah just nodded to that and said “If you get to a point in the house studio you need him, just ring and he will come.”

Marianne G 2020