N21 Chronicles
This part encompasses the rescue of Rose and her companions from the destroyed N22 to what might be their new home.
The command team of Neo22 were all present in the command center, their attention glued to the screens. They were watching for N22, and for several minutes, no one said a word. Eventually, Gina spotted a bit of reflection on a screen. “Look,” she exclaimed!
She was the only one who had seen it, but she touched the screen and zoomed in where it had shown.
It was very disappointing. What they saw was a piece of a bay, spinning in the darkness. Occasionally, it would catch the light from the distant sun, but it was mostly featureless. Rhoda carefully used the thrusters to bring them into relative position with the piece.
“Can we get over there in suits,” Fred asked?
“We should be able to,” Paula replied. As they watched, however, they noticed something strange. The reflections were getting less defined. Again, the screen was zoomed in, and light shone on the area of interest.
“Is this all that’s left,” Paula wondered? As the bay spun, they could see that it was slowly turning into dust.
“What could cause that?” Rhoda wondered.
“Emergency power, get us away from here!”
They felt the force as the ship backed away from the ruined station. Paula thought furiously. If she was correct, she needed to have something to destroy any nanites as they hit her ship. “Gina, can you make a spark each time a particle hits us?”
Her daughter-in-law looked at her as if she was insane. “I don’t follow you.”
“I want a big enough spark to vaporize any nanites if they touch us.” Gina glanced at the screen again and realized what Paula was saying.
“Oh shit!” Gina hurried to comply. When the charge was established, there was a flash of light as the dust was burned off. Fred also realized what had happened. “Do you think we were in time?”
“I hope so. I just wish we had been in time for them.”
Later that night, Paula wasn’t able to sleep, so she quietly got up. She didn’t want to wake up Fred, but she wanted time to reflect. She quietly grabbed some clothes and got dressed in the bathroom. Then she went to her favorite spot on the ship. The observation port. It was by common consensus that the people of the ship had decided that this particular port was for her and Fred. They had made a rock that very closely matched the one that they had sat on overlooking Honolulu.
She opened the door to the port, and walked in. She was surprised to see Fred sitting on the rock. “What are you doing here?”
“I woke up when you got up, and I knew where you’d be going, so I came up here.”
She sat down beside him. “Do you think the entire station is destroyed?”
He had been enjoying the memories he had of sitting by this port with Paula, but now, his mind was brought back to what they had seen earlier in the day. "I really don't know. I suppose it could very well be, but we have nothing to support that."
"We were so close, Fred! This is so wrong!"
Fredrik nodded. He often thought of what this very person he was so in love with had once told him. Willem deserved his fate. He deserved so much more than what he had received.
He put an arm around her. "Like I said, Paula, we have nothing to support them all being gone."
"We also have nothing to support them being still alive either."
"Look. We know that our course predictions were correct. Let's speed up a bit and see if we catch up with anything else."
She nodded and put her head into Fred's shoulder. She wanted to start now, but there were several people making sure that nothing was dropped into their ship that could hurt them… and if it had, then they needed a fix for it.
For his part, Fred leaned back against the wall behind him, and held her tight.
They stayed there for several hours.
Gina and Rhoda were at work when Paula entered the command center in the morning. Everything had checked out okay regarding contamination by nanites. Finally, something had gone right in that regard. The question was, were they in time.
Fred's idea of speeding up seemed to be the best one but a bit unsure now. The course followed by N22 would be affected by gravity from various objects operating on an item of a certain mass. Now, that mass was unknown. Predicting anything had new variables. All they could do was make estimates.
They had started computing logical search patterns for debris when they got a surprise.
"This is N22 calling the nearby vessel. Do you read?" The voice was female and sounded desperate.
Gina jumped to the computer and answered. "N22, this is Neo22. We read you loud and clear!"
"Oh, thank God! We have been trying to get this radio working for days. Can you rescue us please?"
Such a simple question, but one which required so much discussion. Fred stood at the back of the room and watched as his wife and daughters went to work. After a couple of hours, they were ready to revise their search pattern. After their engines had fired, the command staff met in the briefing room again.
N22 had discovered their predicament about twelve days ago. They hadn't got much past Earth, when much of their ship started disintegrating. It wasn't a huge leap to realize nanites were involved.
They knew that nanites were the main ingredient of the old missiles, and the orange atmosphere confirmed it. What they discovered, with the help of a doomed doctor on one of their bays, was that the nanites were able to change their food source. While they attacked organic matter, when they ran out, they were able to switch to inorganic of almost any type. When organic material became available again, they swarmed onto it. Kent Peterson, a doctor doomed on a disconnected bay observed this dispassionately as his wife was killed, then attacked himself.
Every bay of the N22 had been ejected by the computers before they could even react. Marc Dodson realized what needed to be done quickly, but too late to save any of the bays. The command ring had drifted too far away from the bays by this time. They had charged the outer hull, vaporizing the nanites as they touched it. All that was left was about nine hundred people from the several thousand that had been on N22.
The people in the briefing room were shocked. They had been prepared to take on several thousand. Now, the amount had dropped to less than one thousand. It was a shock that there would be so few to be rescued, but they would happily do what they could.
On the remains of N22, Rashda, Colleen, Marc, Carla, John, and I were in the command center.
John and I had hurried to help people in the command ring as soon as I was considered able to move around by Carla. We still had the upstairs and downstairs rings, but they were not usable. There were several breaches in the hulls where the large bays had made contact.
Carla and Marc worked to plug power into the hull before the nanites made it inside.
Rashda and Colleen were manning the controls, trying to dodge the bays, and clouds of debris.
Soon, we were away from the scattered wreckage, and free of all the nanites not intended to be inside us.
About eight days after the destruction, we heard a voice on our comm system! It was apparently a ship from Earth. Rather than question who they were or how they knew who we were, we tried to answer them. Something was wrong with our transmission system. We could listen, but not talk.
Marc and John worked to get our communications working again, but each time they tried to transmit again, the air got more and more thick with smoke. Finally, it worked! I'm not sure what they did, but it was so wonderful when we heard an answer. I ended up crying into John's shoulder.
Carla had a hard time keeping from crying too as she talked with the woman, Gina, from the other ship.
It was a real shock to hear that the other ship, Neo22, was there specifically to rescue us, and that they'd been there for so long, waiting.
We were waiting as well, as what was left of our ship was pulled against a docking port. We were able to travel through two by two, just as the animals long ago on Noah's Ark.
Slowly, we moved our nine hundred people aboard this new ark, hoping to find an Ararat and rainbow somewhere in the galaxy.
I was a bit embarrassed when John and I came through the airlock. As soon as Doctor Sylvia heard who I was, I found myself being placed on a gurney and taken to a hospital.
There, I was subjected to a whole bunch of tests to make sure I and my baby were alright after the last few days.
I sat back in the bed and sighed. It had been several days since I had felt human. I smelled like acrid electronic smoke. I think I had several patches of vomit (not all mine) on my clothes. I had been promised access to a bath just as soon as I was done here.
I really wanted that before I had to make the acquaintance of anyone. Unfortunately, that was not to be. John opened the door, and I was happy to see him, but then he held it open for Rashda and another man I thought was familiar.
"Rose," said Rashda, "I would like you to meet Fredrik Freeman, a friend of mine, and the former president of Earth."
I could almost have died. I looked like something even too gross for the cat to drag in, and I'm meeting the former president. No wonder he looked familiar! I'd seen this man in our command center.
I decided I had no choice, so I held out my hand. I felt mortified as he took my hand, and rather than shake it, he kissed it. I wondered if he knew where that hand had been. I had run out of gloves as I was helping some of the people.
There were many injuries we had to deal with, and Carla and I ended up as nurses. Most things were from trying to get people safely into the command ring very quickly, but a few people were injured by the bay doors closing on them. That was a nightmare. If it wasn't, it would be, I'm sure.
Now, here was the president kissing my hand.
"I'm very happy to meet you, Rose. I've heard so much about you."
"It's nice to finally meet you face to face, Sir. It was nice to know we had a friend on Earth to talk to."
Rashda looked a bit uncomfortable when I said that.
"What's wrong," I asked?
"I only spoke to your station a couple of times"
"But the long conversation with Perl? You gave us so much help," I supplied. He shook his head.
"Apparently it was another of Willem's tricks," my husband told me.
"We had left Earth before the first of Perls messages even got there. As a matter of fact, we began receiving the whole conversation being sent back from the station, I'm guessing as a mockery from Willem."
I couldn't understand. "Why did he do that? He gave us hope that Earth was there, helping us."
John shook his head. "He gave us information through his AI that he controlled. He could make us believe what he wanted. And it was more play. I can imagine how he would have enjoyed watching this conversation himself. He would have been thrilled."
It was a couple of hours later that I was released to my husband’s custody. In all honesty I was quite happy to be in his custody. Doctor Sylvia had declared that I and my baby were in perfect health, and as N22 had only contributed about a twentieth of its original population, there was no problem with my being pregnant!
I’m afraid that on our journey to our new home, I talked John’s ear off so badly that when we arrived, he picked me up and carried me over the threshold. “You’re one or two years late for that, John,” I told him laughing. But to be honest, I had every intention of breaking in our new bed, floor, whatever. As long as I could get a good, hot bath first.
To that end, I went into the bathroom and to my delight, I found that there was a jet tub, large enough for two people. “Oh, John,” I called in a sing-song voice. “Would you come in here for a moment please?” Right beside the tub was an alcove that contained a shower that was plenty large for two people as well. In fact five or six could fit comfortably, but I was quite happy with just us two. John entered, and I looked at him innocently. “I’m going to need help washing my back.” I gave him ‘doe eyes’ then fluttered my eyelashes as best I could. He looked around at the facilities, then without a word, he left.
Great, I thought. I should have cleaned up before I tried to get him in with me. I started the shower, then prepared to disrobe. A moment later, John entered the bathroom carrying two towels and robes. He helped me finish getting undressed, then I helped him. Together, we enjoyed testing the shower, tub, bed, floor…. You understand, I’m sure.
We took about a week to get to know the ship. It was massive! Carla, Colleen and I took a couple of days to scout the shops, of which there were lots.
As I had done on N22, I wanted to scout out the restaurants to see if one run by me would be worthy, so I contacted Rhoda, the commander’s daughter one evening. She told me that she would join me tomorrow and show me around. My two best friends and Gina, Rhoda’s wife joined us. We visited just about every restaurant that served breakfasts that morning. Most of those were on the downstairs side of the ship, which was where John and my rooms were. I was surprised that most of the chefs wanted me to taste their food. I was glad for nanites as I would have put on a lot of weight that morning.
Then, we made some rounds for lunch. Oh no! I was tasting more food, everything from hamburgers to salads, and escargot to jambalaya! It was all wonderful, but I was stuffed just from the samples! Of course all of us got to taste everything; It seemed that all those who accompanied me received them. I was tired after lunch. All the food was heavenly. We went to the beach. Yes! They had a beach! We hadn’t brought anything to sunbathe in (yes. Don’t even ask. There was a faux sun in the sky. I’m not kidding.) so we borrowed some things there. I put on a short white skirt with a matching top. I also had to borrow a pair of sunglasses and a hat. This was heaven after all we’d been through. I was almost in tears, knowing that this had been made to find us.
I lay down on a chaise lounge and dozed off. I woke up to find John sitting beside. “Glad to see you awake, Rose,” he told me. “I was about ready to wake you up. We’ve been asked to join you and go to the second best restaurant on board, for dinner.”
“Second best?” I asked. Not that I was upset. If the quality food I’d tasted that day was any indication, we were in for a real treat.
“You got me,” he told me. I’m just repeating what I was told.
I sat up, and was again grateful to the nanites for controlling my weight, but I needed to find a restroom and fast! Carla and I hurried off, as the others weren’t present at the moment. When we went in the ladies, the others were there. I didn’t say anything but a hurried, “Hi,” and then was out of sight. I think Carla did as well. A few moments later, I was out, and it was then that I realized I had forgotten my handbag on the beach. I looked in the mirror, and definitely needed some fixing on my face, so went out and grabbed my bag. John got a couple of chuckles in, to which I threatened him with terrible things that night. He intensified his laughs. I promised him a very intense night as payback. For some reason, his laughs didn’t slacken. If anything, they got worse. I’ve really got to work on my definition of horrible.
After I had fixed my makeup, we hurried to our home, and I changed into something for the evening, as did John. We met up at a rather incongruous steakhouse. While I love a good steak (lead in a cow and give me a knife and fork is how I like mine done) I didn’t see one as the second nicest restaurant. I also felt conspicuously overdressed. Once I saw the menu, however, I quickly changed my mind about the food. It was packed with some of the most wonderful sounding meals I had ever seen.
I had no idea what to start with, so rather than make up my mind, I signaled to John to please order. I was overwhelmed. Something I hadn’t had in a long time was that nice rare t-bone, and knowing how much I loved it, John ordered two of them. When it came my eyes widened. It was a ten ounce. Where? I wondered looking down at my stomach.
The first bite of the steak was heaven, and the fried okra was divine. Second best? Really? Thank God for nanites in the blood stream! I was going to need them.
Poor John wanted a taste of my potatoes, and nearly got my fork through his hand. I’m rather possessive with food, but as he knew already, he would get the remainder of my dinner. There was no way I could even begin to eat it all. Then they brought out some homemade chocolate ice cream; on a brownie. I almost died!
When we left, I turned to Paula, who with Fred, had joined us at the steakhouse. “John told me that’s the second best restaurant on the ship. He’s putting me on, right?”
“I’m afraid not, Rose. We have one better.”
“If it’s better, I have to try it!” I exclaimed.
We came around a corner and I stopped. In front of me was a restaurant called, Heaven’s Rose. What? We entered it, and there was no one there. It looked like it was ready to open, although there were no menus. Gina smiled at me, and led me into the kitchen. It had the best equipment I had ever seen! I came out and was shown the dining areas. “You like?” Fred asked me.
“For m-me?” I stammered.
“If you want it,” Paula told me. “This building has been here since the ship was built. I’ve been wanting to see it open for a very long time now.”
I couldn’t get words out and Paula said, “Don’t worry about it yet. You don’t need to answer at the moment.”
I sat down and looked around the establishment. I had always had a restaurant that I ran. I couldn't even conceive of not having one. Of course I wanted to do it! I opened my mouth to say that, but John beat me to it.
"Of course she'll do it."
I wanted to glare at him, but I was too happy. I had lost one just a few weeks ago, and to now have another one ready for me.
I discussed with Gina and her father-in-law, what few things I would need to open the doors. I still had a couple of assistant chefs who would love to help again. That made me think of all the people we wouldn't have. I kept the tears back, but Fred saw my reaction, and was able to guess what I was feeling.
"We all will have so many people to mourn once this is over."
"Our entire planet," I agreed. "How could that bastard do this to a planet?"
I saw Fred's demeanor change for a moment, and I wondered why.
We decided to meet in the briefing room the next day, but for now, we said goodnight and John and I realized that the U from beside the restaurant ended up in our apartment complex.
We were again on the third floor, but the builders of this ship had made some interesting changes in these complexes. There were no stairs to the upstairs levels. Instead, the floor curved up and then leveled, all the while with gravity making you walk on what seemed to be a level surface. It was always strange to the eye, and could make even a well person nauseous until they got the hang of things. John and my walk from the restaurant to our home was about a half mile of a straight walk until we arrived at the landings in our stairwell.
We got home, and joined each other in the shower, then I fulfilled my dire threats to him.
I was so excited, I couldn't sleep, though. I kept thinking about the restaurant.
I got up, so I wouldn't wake up my man. He had done very well, that evening, so I let him sleep without bothering him.
I sat down in one of our bedroom overstuffed chairs, after I put on my robe. I watched John for awhile, marvelling once again, how our relationship had come about. I had now been a woman several times the length of time I had been a man, and I had loved every minute of it. I often wondered if I had really been a transwoman beforehand, but that didn't seem possible. I hadn't been afraid of John in stage one before I had become a woman.
I wanted to resent that part of Willem's actions, but I couldn't. I loved John way to much to be upset.
I'm not sure how long I watched him, but I eventually got up. I didn't have any instruments yet, except a twelve string. I started playing an upbeat Spanish song from years gone past. I finished it, and put the guitar down.
I went to the computer, and started looking through some recipes. Many that were stored were ones that Perl had got from me before we left Earth. In that moment, my love and mourning for her came back, which naturally led to the same feelings for Kari. Oh, the drawbacks for having a perfect memory thanks to the nanites.
I wanted to forget them, so I looked up some information on our hosts.
What I saw chilled me. I had not known that Fredrik Freeman and Willem Wallace were brothers. I didn't know what to think.
I dug deeper, and found that Freeman had authorized the torture of his brother. How could he do that? Could I have done that? I didn't know. I knew I couldn't now, but could who I had been do it? It had been so long ago that I had been a man, I couldn't place myself in that situation.
I remembered Fred's momentary change when I called Willem a bastard earlier. I wondered what that meant. Did they share some of the same predilections? Did Fred authorize Willem's death to take power for himself?
The records said that Fred demanded no more than a two millennia term for a president, but then he married the next president after she became Paula. She had been the commander of this ship for over a hundred millennia. In essence, he had power as well.
I didn't know what to think. I sat up, feeling the sleepless night, but absolutely unable to rest at all. I wasn't sure I would be able for awhile.
It was a few hours later that John got up and found me sitting in the living area. He gave me a strange look, but went into the kitchen and started fixing something which smelled wonderful. I say that because I know that his cooking is always that way. I love it.
I couldn't get into it today, though. My mind kept going over the fact of Fred being the brother of a monster. The monster who had taken my friends away. Had taken me away.
I was a woman. Had been a woman for hundreds of years, and I couldn't not like it. I was deeply in love with a man who would do anything to show how much he loved me! I had a baby growing inside me that I loved. Was I complaining? No! At least… I don't think I was.
Did I have any reason to complain? Well, yes. I hadn't asked for this. I hadn't wanted this! This wasn't who I was supposed to be!
But I loved it! Why was I complaining?
My head was spinning. I knew that a lot of this was lack of sleep.
John cena out of the kitchen carrying two plates of breakfast. He set them down on the table and I saw what they were. Even though I was too depressed to enjoy mine I knew that it was divine. An omelette packed with bacon, blue cheese, an assortment of vegetables, and spices that John would never tell me, although I knew what they were; coriander, cilantro, oregano. He said he wanted to keep it a secret as it was his recipe for me.
As I thought about all the loving things he did for me, I had mixed feelings. I knew that this was who I was now. The nanites were affecting my brain, pumping up my feminine feelings, but the fact was, they weren't making me love him. That was something I chose to do.
What galled me was that I was pushed into womanhood by Willem, without a second thought. Not even a second thought on my part either. When I became a woman, I was immediately afraid of men. I was revolted by the thought of who I had been just a few moments before. I hated Willem for doing this to me!
But would I go back? Oh God, no! Never! I loved John, the baby, all the wonderful things about being a woman!
This back and forth was starting to get to me. I decided to try to put it out of my mind. I got up and went to the table. John had covered my breakfast to keep it warm. He got up and went into the kitchen. A moment later, he came out with some toast and coffee, and set it in front of me. He bent down and gave me a kiss on the forehead, then sat down. I took a bite of the omelet, and I had been right. It was divine! I drank my coffee, got some more, and sat down.
I looked at him and realized he had finished his food and was just looking at me. I had a second piece of omelet halfway to my mouth, but I stopped and put it down. He had a question written on his face that I couldn't ignore.
His concern was like a warmed blanket on a cold night wrapped lovingly around me.
How could I ever complain about this? I felt the tears start. Thankfully, he had been there through it all. He had been by my side… had forced himself to be there when I became a woman, even though the nanites made him fear me. How could I complain?
Because it hadn't been my choice, and the beauty of it was wrapped up in horror.
That afternoon we went to the briefing room. John and I had been talking about the restaurant since we for up, and though he was chatting animatedly, I knew he wasn't fooled. I would have to tell him what was bothering me that evening. The concern was there. He had it hidden behind his smile and jovial spirit, but I knew him too well to miss it.
When we walked in and I saw Fred and Paula sitting there I tried to keep the smile on my face. I'm not sure Fred noticed my problem, but I know Paula did. While she had been born a man, just like me, she was a woman now and I know she saw through it instantly.
Our topic that afternoon was an interesting one. We were sitting in an orbit even beyond the Oort Cloud, but still around our home sun.
“Could we go back to Earth?” I asked, although I was sure we couldn’t.
“No,” Fred answered. “The nanites destroyed that idea permanently. We could never get rid of them all, and even if we could, we’d have to find Willem’s computer that controls the nanites. We have no idea where it is.”
“Your brother’s computer, you mean,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but I did. I regretted it as soon as I did.
Paula sighed. I guess she realized why I was upset that morning. “You did some research, this morning,” she commented.
“Last night actually. I couldn’t sleep thinking about the restaurant. How come you didn’t tell us?” I asked her. I pointedly ignored Fred.
“We were afraid of a reaction like this,” she said. We were going to after a bit. You needed to see that Fred was trustworthy.”
“That’s why I changed my last name to Freeman,” he explained. “It means I was...”
I cut him off. “Yes, free from Wallace. I get it. I saw the video of your speech.” I knew my anger was showing on my face. John put his hand on mine, but I pulled it away. “I’m not ready to give this up, John. We were lied to – by omission, to be sure, but it was still lying!”
I turned to Freeman. “I wasn’t going to say anything, and I apologize for the mistake, but I really want to know why. Why did you not tell us at first?”
He sighed. “As Paula explained, I knew some of you would react like this.”
“Well, what do you expect us to do?” I almost shouted. I could see that he was almost ready to get up and walk out.
“May I say something, Rose?” Paula asked.
“It’s Mrs. Carlson,” I told them, wanting to distance myself.
“May I say something, Mrs. Carlson?” Paula asked again.
“Go ahead.”
“You know of course, that the history books say that Fred authorized the extraction of data from Wallace.
“Yes.”
“What you don’t know, is that Fred agonized over it for months afterward. Years, in fact.”
“You’re not making me trust either of you by telling me this.”
“I realize that. What I’m trying to get you to see is how much different than his brother, Fred is. Where Willem didn’t care how much he hurt others, Fred didn’t even want to kill his brother who was a monster.”
“None of this is relevant,” I said. “The fact is, Fred now has the power that Willem no longer has. Is this something genetic?”
“I don’t have any power,” he argued.
“Sure you do. Your wife is the commander of this vessel.”
“She’s the commander, not me.”
“Doesn’t she listen to you?”
Paula replied. “Not really. I argued with Fred the entire time that he agonized over torturing Willem that the bastard had gotten exactly what he deserved.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“You don’t,” Paula admitted. “You’ve just got to trust us.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “I have no choice. My life is in your hands.”
“We have no wish to take your life. We want you to spend the rest of your lives in happiness. That’s why I had this ship built.”
“Mom fought for this,” said Rhoda. “Gina was the commander of the Centaurus. She wanted to stay, waiting for you, and so did Mom, but we had been waiting for fifty thousand years. Actually, no one really wanted to give up waiting. We were all willing to stay, but Gina decided that someone else would take her ship on to Alpha Centauri. We came over on the last transport from Centaurus.”
John took my hand. This time I didn’t refuse. “Honey, you know me. I don’t want you to live in depression. I want you to be happy. You have the restaurant. I’m told that your new instruments are being made. Please, forgive them for not telling us from the outset, and trust them.”
“I can forgive, John,” I told him, “ and I have, but it will take awhile to trust.”
“Thank you for forgiving us,” Fred told me. “I will do everything in my power to show you that you can trust me.”
I nodded. I wanted very much to trust, but I couldn’t at the moment. It was something that stayed out of my grasp.
“Thank you, Mrs. Carlson,” Paula told me.
“I’m sorry for losing it,” I told them, “and please call me Rose.”
Paula smiled. “Thank you, Rose.”
We got back to the business at hand, but we really didn’t know what to do. I think my outburst sidetracked everyone, so Paula suggested that we sleep on it, and come back tomorrow afternoon.
After the meeting, Paula asked if I wanted to do some work on Heaven’s Rose. I thought about it, and whether I should trust her. As I said before, I really wanted to. Finally, I accepted. We made our way there, as did the rest of the women who were at the meeting. There wasn’t very much to do. I checked everything out, and told them that I usually made a single dish every night, so I had time to work on my music as well as other things.
I was surprised after John and my two years sitting and doing nothing else, we still had muscle tone. I guess so we would be able to enter the next stage. Or perhaps it was the normal programming of the nanites. If someone entered a coma, they kept muscle tone so the person would be able to resume life afterwards.
I hadn’t played music for a long while, so when Gina asked if I would be willing to do a concert, I balked at it at first. I explained to her, and said I would have to see how comfortable I was playing, and work at it for awhile. “I might be able to after I practice for awhile, but please let me get the restaurant going first.”
“I understand,” she replied. “I do expect that people will want to hear you play. Perl raved about your food and your musical ability.”
I smiled sadly. “Perl was a good friend of both John and I.” I could feel the tears welling up again. When Gina hugged me, I was tense. She refused to let go, however, and I eventually relaxed. I’m sure it had to do with my distrust of Paul and Fred. Gina was Rhoda’s wife, and Rhoda was Paula’s daughter. I guess anyone in their family was subject to my distrust. I hated that, but it was what it was.
I knew that there were counselors on board Neo22 and I wondered. Of they might be able to help me. I figured I probably had PTSD. After years and years of being subject to the pain and horrors of Wallace’s demented play, I would be surprised if I didn’t.
The next day, after a busy night with John, I contacted one of the local counselors. She seemed to be a very nice person, but when I tried to schedule an appointment, she almost declined.
“I’ve already agreed to be John Carlson’s counselor. If he agrees, would you like to come in for family counseling?”
“Uh...” I had no idea John was going to go to counseling. “Certainly.”
I was planning a small dinner, similar to what I had done for N22 for that night centuries ago for the command staff. I had planned on my own take on some Chinese food. I had found the recipes in an archaeology dig, on some hard drives that supplied information to, what was once called, the internet. I wasn’t sure what they were supposed to taste like; in fact, no one was, thus it was my own take, but I felt that they were excellent. I steamed the vegetables, and made the sauce and meats as written. I thought that it must be close to what they originally were. I doubted that the recipes had survived over the years. Especially as China was now gone. I had acquired several recipes like that. Several were from Italy, Japan and even Hawaii. I wasn’t sure how they had been lost, but there it was.
I was shocked when Paula and Fred showed up and respectfully asked, “May we join you?”
“Of course!” I told them.
“Thank you,” Fred told me, “but if you’d rather we don’t we will respect that. This is your restaurant, and we won’t violate that.”
I hugged Paula, and after a minute, I hugged Fred, telling both of them “Thank you. You’re always welcome.”
They started to enter, but Fred stopped for a moment. “I understand you’re feeling the way you do, and I appreciate the gesture.”
I nodded, and we entered the back room where the rest of the command crews were seated. John had helped me all day, and we brought out the entrees together. I did not believe in hiring someone to bring out the food when I could easily do it myself. Everything was buffet style, and I explained what was in each dish. It certainly seemed to be enjoyed. Later, we discussed what to do with the ship. We knew that to get to Alpha Centauri would take a hundred years, but Neo22 had never heard from Centaurus. We were not sure why.
I was silent through most of the meeting. I was still embarrassed at my behavior the previous day. Finally, Paula asked what I thought. I looked down, and answered carefully. “I think we should go to Alpha Centauri and see what is there. We have no idea if they made it or not, but if something happened, we might be able to help them.”
“If we find them,” Rhoda said. She had voted to go to the next planet Centaurus was supposed to visit.
“I know it’s a little ship in a huge galaxy, but if we don’t try, we’ll always wonder if we could have found them.” I took a deep breath and hoped no one took my next words wrong. “I don’t want that on my conscience.” John had been holding my hand the entire meeting, and he squeezed it now. I knew he supported me, even though we disagreed on this.
Rhoda turned to her parents. “What do you think?”
“We discussed this earlier,” Fred told us. “We both think we should go to Alpha. This ship was made for recusing people. If Centaurus had problems, we need to find out. Your mother and I also have six kids on that ship. I’d be lying if I said we weren’t concerned about that.”
Paula nodded, and I thought about what Fred had said. I could not fault either for their desire to find out about their children. Even though my first was still inside me, the love I felt was indescribable.
Paula looked around at everyone. Her daughter and daughter-in-law had disagreed with her. “Do I have everyone’s assurance, that even if you disagree with going to Centaurus, you will back us in every possible way?”
Everyone said they would certainly, but I think Carla said it best. “I can understand how Rose feels; I have considered her my sister for over four hundred years. When she spoke about your relation to Willem, I was as mad as her, but I had a chance to think about it last night, and I’ve decided that you didn’t have to rescue us. You could have left a hundred thousand years ago, and left us to die. You are giving us the opportunity to pay our rescue forward. Even if I didn’t want to go to Alpha, I want to rescue that ship. I’ll stand behind you in this until I die.”
She nodded, accepting our answers.
When everyone else had left, Paula and Fred remained at the table. John and I had been taking the remaining food back to the kitchen. There was very little. I came out to clean the table and was surprised to see them there. Paula was crying this time, and I turned around to give them their privacy.
A few minutes later, I came back out. I didn’t bother them. Instead, I sat down by the kitchen doors. I could see them, if I stood and walked to the door and looked in. Rather than do that, I decided to just wait until they came out. I wasn’t sure why Paula was crying, but I knew the feeling, or rather, I thought I did.
I supposed that Fred’s statement about their kids probably got to her as a mother. John and I talked about the success of the dinner while we were waiting, and I didn’t begrudge them the time at all. Maybe I was healing.
Everyone had agreed that Heaven’s Rose was going to be unanimously chosen the best restaurant in town. I guess I should tell what it was like in this part of the ship. Heaven’s Rose was it’s own building, which was strange. In the other ships my restaurant was always on the ground floor of a multi-story apartment complex. Her, however, there was a town at the outer edge. The steakhouse that we had been to was here as well. It was a little ways away from mine, and I personally felt that I would have to work hard to maintain an edge. Granted, there was no money used, so it was all a friendly competition. In a way, the one who was known as the best lost. They had to work hardest for no real gain except popularity. I had my pride, though. That was one thing that Willem had never been able to take away from me.
After about half an hour, Paula and Fred came out of the private room and looked around. They saw us and walked over.
“Thank you, Rose,” Paula told me. “That was one of the best meals I’ve had.”
“Thank you, Paula.”
“I’m sorry for losing it there after the meal. It had nothing to do with you or the meal.”
“If I’m out of line, please tell me,” I said to her. I put my hand on my abdomen. “I have not had the experience as a mother as you have, but if my feelings for this little one are any indication, it has to be horrendous for you, not knowing what has happened to yours.”
She sat down across the table from me. “Rose, I know you don’t trust us very much, but I hope we can eventually be friends.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak, so I just nodded. I reached across the table and took her hands in mine. “I th-think we w-will.” I stammered to get the sentence out.
She stood and asked, “Can we help you here in any way?”
I smiled and shook my head. John spoke for me. “We’re done.”
Fred nodded, then Paula came around the table and as she put her arms around me. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
That did it. It was my turn to cry now. While we were in the embrace, she whispered into my ear, “I’m pregnant too, but don’t tell anyone. Fred doesn’t know yet.” I pulled back from her, unsure whether to continue crying or giggle. Paula glanced over to where John and Fred had moved to, and I did too. Since they were away, I made my decision and started giggling. I pulled back into the embrace and in an excited whisper told her, “Congratulations!”
“Well you’ve sure been in a good mood since we started home,” John commented when we arrived at our rooms. “What’s up?”
“Does a girl need a reason to be happy?”
“Not always,” he told me.
“Are you wanting to sleep on the couch tonight?” I asked with an eyebrow raised.
“That depends,” he answered. “Will you join me?”
I tried to keep a straight face. I really did, however I couldn't. I laughed and hugged him. “I’m willing to give it a try.”
So we did.
The next day, Paula got on the ship wide intercom. She had two announcements.
The first was that we were done in our solar system, and would be leaving now to head toward Alpha.
Her second was that Heaven’s Rose would now be open for business. I blushed a deep red when the cheers went up for that.
John and I were sitting in a counselor’s office, waiting to be called back. I was nervous as could be. I knew I needed to talk to someone, but I really didn’t want to. I was gripping John’s left hand with both of mine.
A woman walked out of the office, and a few minutes later, we were called back. I really didn’t want to go and tried to drag my feet. John squeezed my hand and urged me to continue. We entered the inner sanctum and a woman stood up to shake our hands.
“I’m Mara Bitters,” she told us. “An ironic name for a counselor, don’t you think? I became intersex on Earth, and I decided to take the name Mara to go along with my last name.”
“Why is it ironic?” John asked.
“Mara means bitterness in Ancient Hebrew,” I told him.
“Interesting name,” he commented.
“Isn’t it,” she said. “So, Mr. and Mrs. Carlson. Tell me about yourselves.”
I nudged John to start. He told her about our each being about seven hundred, and that we had been friends all our lives, along with Perl who died on N21. He told her how I had become a woman on the station, and of our being bond mates.
Once he finished, Mara turned to me. “Mrs. Carlson, when we talked on the comm, you indicated that you suspected that you might have post-traumatic stress."
"I suspect I might."
"I wouldn't be surprised. There have been lots of people who have dealt with 'Total Fun' that way." She asked me to verify John's story from my point of view. I had very few gripes about it. More often than not, I simply added something that I felt differently than John.
To give me a break, she asked John to tell her how he felt now.
He took his time and made sure he was understood. He told her that when I changed, he had not wanted to fall in love with me. He just wanted to keep our friendship alive. Then, we became bond mates, and it immediately seemed that we were in love.
Mara asked me if I concurred and I told her that I did.
She asked me to continue, and I told her that I found it almost impossible to avoid thinking about John. No matter what I was doing, my mind would relate it to him. John nodded his agreement, and I continued. I told her how we touched the first time with a kiss. I told her that up till then, it was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced. It quickly fell down the list a substantial distance, later that night.
I hated becoming a man again. I decided that if we ever got out of that mess, I would never go back to being a man.
She switched us back to John, and I listened intently as he described his feelings for me during stage four, and when we got out from under 'Total Fun'.
During, he wondered how he would feel afterward if we ever got to that point. It was very similar to how I felt. He wondered if our feelings were real or if they were created by the nanites. He wondered if he would be enough for me afterward. He hoped so, but he really wasn't sure. What if his ability to make me orgasm was only because of the nanites?
I then related almost exactly the same story.
John said that when we were not in the stages, he felt like his feelings were now real! He said there had been something artificial about them before. It was as if they were set at a lower level as though to cause the doubts. On N22, those doubts disappeared. At least from his own perspective. Once I showed my love for him, he felt complete.
From my perspective, I found something similar. While under the influence of the nanites, I had felt like I was in love, but afterward, my feelings exploded way beyond where they had been. I enjoyed being sexy for John. I enjoyed sex so much more. It was so hard to be away from him. If he went anywhere, I needed to be with him.
"I've seen this in everyone I've talked to who has been through 'Total Fun'. Although I can't prove it, I believe the feelings were turned down during the stages. Making someone doubt their own feelings can push them into depression," she told us. "It looks like the emotions try to 'catch up' in proportion with the couple's natural affection and length of time in the stages." She waited for a few moments, then started to continue, but John stopped her.
"Okay, I'll bite. How do we rate in affection?"
I can't put it into numbers, but I believe you're the highest I've seen from N21 or N22.
I reached out and felt John's hand take mine. I couldn’t help it; I put my head on his shoulder.
“So is that why we find ourselves displaying our affection in public as much as we do?” John asked her.
“Very likely.” She seemed to think for a moment, then continued. "Many of the people I've dealt with who have been through the stages are dealing with post-traumatic stress. There are two ways to deal with this. One is to tune your nanites to do it."
"No!" John and I said it at the same time, and I'm not sure who was more forceful between us.
Mara nodded, and there was a hint of a smile on her face. "I figured you wouldn't want to do that. The other is the old way. We talk about it and work through your feelings."
We both agreed with that.
"What I would like to do is meet in a few days, separately, then together. I want to do the sessions one after the other."
We set up some sessions for three days later, then we left together.
I opened Heaven's Rose two days before, and I was supposed to have a wedding party that night in the restaurant, and into the outside dining area as well. It was a huge affair, and I was looking forward to it. John was planning to help me with it, and I was happy to have his assistance. We had worked together on N22 and he had learned how I preferred to do things. We worked together very well now.
It was a great experience and once again, we worked together like a well-oiled machine. It was amazing to me that John enjoyed helping me with my restaurants.
That night after a very delightful time enjoying each other, I lay awake. I was wondering why I had never taken a real interest in the things John found enjoyable. I was an artist in music and food, but I was sure I could learn his 'art'. Would I enjoy it? That wasn't really the point. I would enjoy helping him. As long as I wasn't a hindrance. I could see how I might be. I think John was afraid of being the same for me.
Suddenly I realized that I should have been more attentive to his feelings. He had given up his own time to be there for me. I didn't even recognize I should do the same for him.
I wasn't sure if he was awake, but I wanted to talk to him. "John?"
"Yes?"
I suddenly didn't know what to say. I decided to go for it. "Do you like helping me in the kitchen?"
"Sure."
"Why?"
"I get to be with you."
Great. Just what I needed to hear. He was helping me so he could spend time with me and I never helped him, even though I loved him to pieces. I hated to admit that I never thought of it that way, but I had to. "I'm so sorry, John. I never realized that was why."
"Wait a minute, Rose. That is not the only reason. Don't think that, okay? I enjoy helping you. You are a wizard in the kitchen, and I have the privilege to see you work all the time. That's a treat that only I get. Yes, some assistants get to observe your talents, but I am the only one who knows your recipes. Not to mention, I am married to the best chef in the universe. I eat very well all the time." I looked at him, and he had a 'gotcha grin on his face. I could barely see it in the dark, but I knew him so well I only had to catch a glimpse to know it was there.
"All right for you," I told him. "If you keep teasing me, there will be dire consequences for you in the morning."
"Hmmm. How can I get those without teasing you anymore?"
"Kiss me?"
"I can do that."
He did, and when we came up for breath, I told him, "Delicious. You, kind Sir, have earned my terrible wrath in the morning."
"Twas my intention, dear Lady."
We engaged in another, even deeper kiss, and then I curled up in his embrace. I felt so loved, but I had to ask. "Would you like me to help you with your hobbies?"
"Ahh. That explains your asking about me helping you.e
"I want to spend time with you too, John."
He thought for a bit and I was afraid he didn't want me to help.
"Unless you think I'd be a burden to teach."
"Rose, you are a woman of many talents. I don't think you'd be a burden at all. You wouldn't be in my way at all. My concern is that you wouldn't enjoy it like I do."
I propped my head upon my arm and looked him in the eyes. "Do you enjoy cooking as I do?"
"I enjoy it," he said, evasively.
"Uh-huh. As much as I do?"
"Not as much, but that's not the point."
"What is?"
He lay there looking at the ceiling for a long moment, then he said, "I don't know."
"Well?" I asked.
"If you want to help me, I'd love for you to."
He sounded like he wasn't sure, but I was determined to try. "I want to, John."
"Then I'll teach you."
I nodded, then curled up in his embrace again and we eventually fell asleep.
I had told Gina that I would do a concert. I had tried playing piano and found I was still able. It was a nice feeling to sit down and find that I still had talent. What I needed to work on was my mind. My fingers still had the required muscle memory, but my mind had to remember what it had done in the past.
I spent several evenings playing several of my favorite compositions and found they were still in my mind; just needed a bit of polishing. I also worked up a few pieces on my twelve-string.
One problem with both instruments was the fact that my hands were different than before, but I had practiced on the N22 and had learned to compensate. My fingers being narrower was a bonus on both, but I needed to develop calluses on my fingers to play the guitar.
Finally, the night came and I was nervous. I had always been fine walking on stage to play, but I had not done a concert in five hundred years. It was daunting!
Paula introduced me, although by that time, everyone knew me. I suppose it was a formality.
I came on stage to thunderous applause. I was wearing a fabulous gown and had fixed my hair and makeup to the point I almost didn't recognize myself. While I often wore dresses, probably because of wanting to capture my husband's eye, I thought that maybe I did need to be introduced.
I sat down at the piano and began.
Author’s note:
Okay, I know I use a very old action movie cliche in this chapter, and you have my apologies in advance.
Chapter
2.6
The four seasons on piano sounds a bit different than with a full orchestra. I played it that way, however. It took me more than forty minutes to go through all the movements. I was really having fun by the end. When I was finished, I liked up my twelve-string and did a Spanish flamenco, then I went back to the piano and played some light jazz.
I received an encore but I hadn't practiced anything else. In my previous life as a male, I had learned to play by ear, and I always considered the little dots on the page to be mere suggestions. I had heard some popular songs on the comm system, so I went to the piano and played one of them. It seemed to go over quite well, so I played another. Then I stood up and left the stage. While I received a standing ovation, I went to where John was standing in the wings. He hugged me and lifted me off the floor, and spun around. He set me down and gave me a delicious kiss and said, "That was wonderful!"
"The music or the kiss?"
"Both!" He exclaimed.
The next morning Paula invited John and me to the command center. When we arrived, Marc and Carla were already there along with Rashda and Colleen. Paula and Fred asked us to join them in the briefing room. After they sat down, Paula told us, "You have all been on the command crews of your own ships. I think it would be prudent to ask you to study this ship and be placed in the command line here."
"I've already got my hands full with my music and Heaven's Rose, " I told her. "Plus, I've decided to learn more about engineering from John.
"As it is, I'm going to have to put music on the back burner for a while to learn from him."
Marc gave me a strange look but didn't say anything.
Fred however did. "I never knew you were interested in engineering."
"I want to learn about what my husband enjoys, " I explained.
"I see."
While I wasn't sure he did, I wasn't going to press the issue.
"I'm not sure it's a good idea for one of us to be in the chain of command," Marc said. "All of us who have just come out of 'Total Fun' and the death of so many friends and family have post-traumatic stress disorder."
Fred nodded. "I understand. Do you think you can work in other areas of the ship and eventually move to the chain of command?"
"I think that is a possibility," John told him.
“As soon as I’m cleared for command, I’ll have the counselor talk to you,” Rashda told them.
We were on our way to our respective homes when we felt a peculiar vibration in the superstructure. A moment later, there was a incredible lurch that we felt in our bones. John turned around and started running back to the command center. A moment later, I followed him.
When I entered the command center, it was in turmoil. I noticed that there were lots of red lights flashing all over. I noticed that everything felt still as well. The vibration from the engines had ceased. I didn’t say anything, just looked around at the bustle of people who, though they were concerned, were still acting professional. John was beside Fred at a console that showed the status of the engines.
It looked like the starboard side had a burnout that affected all six engines on that side. I didn’t want to disturb them, so I just watched. I understood most of what the displays were saying. In the first engine was a pump which sent the fuel for the other engines on to them.
The engines were mounted on the central hub, not far from where we were. The engines were huge. It looked like they were fifty feet or thereabouts from top to bottom, and several hundred feet long.
Marc ran into the center right then. He looked at the board, and seemed to take it in all at once. “That’s going to blow if we don’t adjust it, now!”
Fred and Marc ran out, and John took my hands. “Honey, I’m going to help them, but I don’t want you out there. There is serious radiation in there, and you have to take care of that little one.”
I threw my arms around hims and kissed him. “Make sure all of you are careful, John!”
“We will be.” Then he ran out after the others.
This was later related to me from John.
The engines are set up three on the right, and three on the left. When you walked out the docking tube, you came to another tube that went right and left Apparently, I was wrong when I thought that one engine supplied the fuel for all six. It supplies just the three right hand ones. The one that was the number one for the right, which was the first one. In between them was the docking port.
When they got into the engine, the problem was near the exhaust vent, so they had to hurry to the other end. There was a incredible wind in the engine tube. The walkway had gravity that allowed them to walk along the ‘bottom’ of the tube and there was another gravity field that was pulling the air down to the front of the engine for just such a problem as this.
A field that I really didn’t understand, even though John explained it to me held held the radiation away from the walkway, and thus held it away from the rest of the ship. That had failed. Because of that, the gravity fields were weaker, to keep radioactive particles from settling down to the walkway as quickly as they might. The other gravitational field pulled anything that might get out of the walkway field to the forward part of the engine tub. Thus any air would stay in the engine, rather that leave through the exhaust port. This would start as soon as someone entered the tube because the walkway was not usually pressurized. With the mysterious field broken, the electronics behind the walls of the walkway were fried. What they had to do was fix the generators for this field.
What was causing the wind was that the gravitational field that held the air to the front of the tube was on full power. This field also pulled the air ‘down’ to the depressurization vents, but they were closed and wouldn’t open until no one was in the tube. The field would also stop air from going back to the walkway, but with it broken, air was in a cyclonic circle. The three men were fighting a tailwind to keep from being pushed to the end of the tube. When they reached the end, they had to be careful because the wind was being sucked ‘up’ at high velocity.
Marc opened an access panel and started to set it to his right. Apparently the wind caught the panel and it pulled it upwards. The edge of the panel sliced three of his fingers off! Fred grabbed at the panel, and he was pulled up. Before he could be flung ‘down’ to the other end, John grabbed his hand and started to be lifted. Marc grabbed his ankle, and threw his left arm, with the severed fingers over a rail on the walkway.
Not only was Fred being pulled by gravity, but he was being forced ‘downward’ by hurricane force winds. Marc could not hold onto John’s ankle for long. There was no good handhold, and he was losing blood fast. He was trying to pull them ‘down’ but it was no use. John tried to hold onto Fred’s wrist and pull as well.
Fred saw what was happening, and he somehow got his right hand up to his left wrist, although how against the wind, I had no idea. He started pulling John’s fingers away from his wrist. John could barely hold on with all his fingers. He shouted at Fred to stop, but Fred wouldn’t. He finally got a couple of John’s fingers loose. He fell. Hard. The gravity near the front was close to three G. He normally weighed eighty one Kg. At the end of the fall, he weighed two hundred forty Kg. He was dead. The power of the fall broke almost every bone in his body, including his neck and several vertebrae.
Much of what happened, we saw on monitors. I was beside Paula when she watched in horror, her husband fall. It was terrible! All of my distrust of Fred evaporated in that moment. He had saved my husband’s life by giving his. Fifteen seconds after Fred fell, Marc passed out from the loss of blood. If John had kept hold of Fred, he would have fallen too.
Any one of Fred’s injuries, or even a few of them, could have been repaired by his nanites, but so many spread them too thin. They couldn’t repair him fast enough to hold off death.
Paula fell apart. After that, Gina took over command of the ship. Some other engineers fixed the engine and we resumed our acceleration, but none of us felt like doing much of anything. We wept. Paula because of her husband dying, me because I never trusted him until I saw what he was willing to do for someone else.
I felt that I hadn’t given him what he deserved. John had trusted him, but he saw how it affected me, and he knew why. I spent a lot of time depressed. Feeling sorry for myself, I suppose. I couldn’t imagine that I could treat someone so unfairly. That seemed so foreign to me.
I had been spending a fair amount of time with Paula before this catastrophe, and after she blamed no one as she had seen what happened. I hated to see her so hurt because we had been developing a wonderful relationship.
A statue was made of Fred, and put over his grave. On N21 and N22, we had recycled bodies. We had to. Here, we had few enough people that we didn’t need to do such a thing. Fred was buried in the town square where Heaven’s Rose was located. My restaurant didn’t look out on it, for which I was grateful. The steakhouse did, however.
We had a memorial service for Fred as well. I did my best to play piano for it, but I was so broken up I had trouble. I was asked to sing as well, but my voice broke so many times, I think I butchered the song. John told me it was okay to display that type of emotion. I knew it was, but it still bothered me.
It took a long time for us to get life back to normal. Paula and I both had our babies. Paula named her little boy Fred. I had a girl, and she was named Frieda, in honor of the man who saved her fathers life.
To be continued...
Thank you very much to Jamie Lee for help in creating Willem's backstory.
It was thirteen years after Fred died. An investigation was done to see why the problems occurred that led to his death. It was found that a part of the computer controlling everything had failed.
It had taken several years for us to all get over what happened to Fred. Paula had let her daughter-in-law take command of the ship. Gina had been in command of Centaurus before and while Neo22 had been built.
Paula had a little boy, and he was now twelve. My little girl had been born about a month later. I think Paula and I both hoped that the two would expand their friendship to something more.
Paula was also getting to know Winston Reese. They were often seen together in Heaven’s Rose or Maverick, the steakhouse around the corner from my restaurant. I hoped that they got together as well. Winston was an old friend, and I thought they made a nice couple. I had been scheming different ways to urge them to spend more time together. Carla was a confidant in this, to which John and Marc just shook their heads. I’m sure I heard John mutter under his breath at least once, “Women!” to which we snickered.
In the last few years, I started going through the vast computer system aboard the ship, and I was shocked when I found some of my own files. I asked Paula about it, and she told me she had no idea how they were there, but as much as could be retrieved from Willem’s computers was.
I began searching in earnest, and incredibly, I found almost all of my files. They had been locked, and unreadable, but I typed in my password, and they opened. I was thrilled. I showed it to John, and he wondered if some of his had been collected as well.
We started a search and found an incredible hoard of scientific and artistic files from our friends. Some of it was undoubtedly from those who had died on N21 and N22, but there were files from almost all scientists who had been sent away.
Granted, much of the work was far behind what had been accomplished now, but it was so exciting to find our own work. Our artists now had a record of their works. What was interesting, much of their physical work was found in Willem’s palace, usually in places of prominence.
Since it had been assumed that N22 would return to a safe Earth, the art, when retrieved, was entrusted to museums with the arrangement that, when the rightful owners returned, the loan would expire.
What was in my files was music that I had written, and some I had found. I had gone through ancient media to revive it. I found music, food recipes, and even what had once been called television. I had stored as much in my files as I could, which was a remarkably large amount. I had found lots of books as well, and laboriously had copied them into computer files before I sent the originals to museums to carefully preserve. Earth had gone through many changes in the past, and even the major cities had been all but destroyed, so artifacts from ancient times were rare.
There had been several earthquakes and volcanic eruptions long ago which had left much of the world devastated. Several eruptions and tsunamis had left much of the Pacific Coast destroyed. A massive volcano in the mountains of the western United States had destroyed much of the center of North America, and earthquakes had destroyed much of the Atlantic Coast.
With all of the earthquakes around the Atlantic Ocean, Greenland decided to join in and wiped its own fair share of Northern Europe out.
The repercussions for the rest of the world were disastrous. The area left was so hurt from all the eruptions. Volcanic ash choked everywhere that hadn't been buried. Airplanes weren't able to fly for several years, and cars were unable to run because of the ash deteriorating the pistons and cylinders.
Interestingly one of the least damaged places was Honolulu, even though it had been built on an extinct volcano. Tsunamis destroyed much of the old city, however.
It took a huge amount of time to rebuild all of the earth. A universal government helped to unify the people and the surviving population rebuilt the cities. People slowly refilled all of the cities, and in time, the people numbered in the billions again.
A few thousand years later, when old cities we're being excavated, I was given the charge of researching the media. It was fun, but before I had finished, Willem Wallace rounded us up and exiled us from Earth.
I sat down one day and spoke to Paula regarding Wallace. She had grown up with Fredrik and had known his little brother as well.
"Have you any idea what made him the way he was?"
"Willem was a boy who was plagued by an inferiority complex. We believe he viewed his brother as someone to try to be like.
“He was still young, when he started constantly accusing Fred of taking what was rightfully his. We didn't realize for a long time what Fred supposedly took, but we finally had an idea.
"Willem seemed to withdraw from everyone after one particular visit from Fred. Fred's mother was still alive, but she and her husband had different goals in life, so she divorced him. Their father married Willem's mother some time later, and he wanted to show Fred that he still loved him.
"Both of his boys were very important to their father, and he went all out to be Fred's friend at the time. His wife, Willem’s mother also became a friend to Fred.
"This seemed to devastate Willem. He couldn't understand why, as he was the important child now, not Fred. His older brother didn't live at home, and his father wasn't even married to Fred's mother. They weren't even the same race. Fred's mother was a dark-skinned woman, while Willem's was the opposite. She was a very light-skinned Nordic woman.
"As odd as it seems, all of these things caused Willem to withdraw from everyone, and his parents especially. He never spoke to his parents about the incident as far as we know. He just built up hate for them and his brother.
"We suspect that as he got older, he heard about love for, and of helping, others and he began to resent everyone else. Fred told me that it would be very much in Willem's character to figure if humans wanted his help, he'd give it to them, but they would pay for it."
I had a hard time understanding this explanation, but with Paula's permission, I took it to my counselor. She said it sounded likely as Willem was a sociopath. He had no compassion for other people, so how they hurt in response to his actions didn't bother him at all.
It made no sense to me but I accepted it. John also seemed to have problems with the explanation. Neither of us understood something like that. We had never experienced anyone like him, thus what made him tick was beyond us.
Many of the artists started putting their art on the public network on the ship so it could be enjoyed by everyone. I saw so many pictures and three-dimensional renditions of sculptures that were long gone. Interestingly, I had seen some of the originals before being exiled, but now they raised different emotions in me.
I found videos of me playing and singing in my restaurant back on earth. I found it interesting and considered posting them on the network as well, but I really wasn't comfortable with videos of me as a man out in public.
John didn't mind the thought but told me that it was my choice. I didn't know what to do. I didn't ever want to go back, and even thinking about that time bothered me. I had an incredible husband and such a sweet daughter. I was so happy with my family and my life.
I got to thinking about what I had left behind. It wasn't bad, but I didn't enjoy it as I did now. I know I hadn’t been even partially trans, because I would have… suddenly I realized something.
The woman who touched me. I became what she was. I could have been a trans woman without even realizing it. I had no way of knowing. I just knew I wasn't as happy with my life. I remembered that.
I decided to talk to Mara about it.
I had no secrets from John, so when we next went to Mara, I told her first and then I talked about it with John present.
"I remember how I felt while I was male. I was not happy like I am now. Whether that was Willem or my situation, I don't know."
"How did you feel around women?" Mara asked.
"I'm honestly not sure."
"How about men?"
I hesitated. "I…"
John took my hand.
I sighed. "If you're asking about sex, there was one person I was interested in."
"And who was that?"
I looked at John and smiled.
"John?" Mara asked.
I nodded. John was looking at me with his mouth hanging open.
"Were you a homosexual?"
"I don't think so."
"Were you not happy because you didn't see a way to have John?"
"That was so long ago." I tried to hold back what I considered extremely embarrassing memories.
"I was a man before 'Total Fun'," Mara told me. "I was changed into a transwoman when I was touched. Like you, I was made to love what I became, but the person I became hated being a man! All I wanted was to transition into a woman."
"That sounds paradoxical," I responded.
She nodded. "I understand you were friends with Perl, and you went on dates with her. Can you remember how that felt?"
"We were friends, " I said. "Just friends."
"John told me something in our one on one talk just a little while ago. Would you like to know what it was?"
"Okay?" I looked at him, wondering where this was going.
"I always told you I just wanted to be friends with Perl because I thought you had fallen for her," he explained to me.
"I told you…"
"I know, Rose. But I thought you were just saying that for my benefit."
I was flabbergasted. John was in love with Perl? How should I take that? Was he not in love with me? Wait… I always knew he was straight, so of course he didn't. There was nothing to be upset about.
If he was straight, what was I? I thought about others. "Reese and Marc. I didn't love them, but I thought they were cute," I admitted.
"When you thought about John, did you want to make love to him?" I nodded and I knew what she was going to ask next.
"I wanted to be his wife," I almost whispered. I looked at John and more memories started to flood back. "Perl… when I went out with her, it was really just friends. It was like the relationship I have with Carla or Paula."
"Do you remember what you felt when you saw a woman?" It wasn't Mara who asked, but John.
I nodded sure of what I was. "I found them attractive, but it wasn't sexually attractive. I wondered how to be like them. I admired them so much. Perl was such a beautiful woman, and I wondered, if I looked like her could you be interested? If I became like her, would you like me?" I paused again and gathered my courage. "Even if you couldn't love me wanted your friendship. I wanted that beauty too. To be like her. I wanted so much to be a woman."
It was like a dam broke free, and the tears came. I was crying so hard. I wanted to lean against him, but however irrational it was, I was afraid again. It made such a huge difference in our friendship.
Maybe that's why I couldn't remember how I felt then. I was afraid of what he'd think of me. I was always in love with him, all through our childhood. Wait? Was I?
I thought again, and my mind went back. The floodgates were open now, and I could remember it all. Yes. I always saw myself as the smaller, more dainty one, and I really was.
He was bigger and more muscular. I went into music and he went into engineering. I wanted to cook meals for him for the rest of my life. After all, there was an ancient saying I had heard. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If that was true I was all for it!
I was just a child, but I started learning and found it didn't matter if cooking attracted John or not. I loved it anyway. Cooking became a way to please him, and I loved it. I loved the creativity the same as with music.
All of these realizations hit me hard. I had been trans. I knew it then but had hidden it where it couldn't hurt me. Not having the love of my life hurt so bad that I had to! Doing anything else was too hard.
I think when we were exiled I put it away even more. I had to because I was with him all the time. When 'Total Fun' hit, I was so afraid to tell John I had become a woman, but I think I would have been anyway, without Willem's help.
I wanted to become a woman no matter what, and it would have been so easy, but how would John have reacted? I was too scared back then, but now I had no choice. I had attributed it to the nanites, but was it just them? I would probably never know.
I couldn't look at him. I felt ashamed that I had not remembered this until now. I was crying softer now, although my body kept shaking as the sobs came. I felt his hand on my left cheek gently turn my face toward him. I kept my eyes down. I couldn't look. I was so afraid!
He leaned toward me and kissed me so tenderly. I didn't know what to do. We were on separate chairs but what I wanted most was to be held. For these fears to just go away and never come back.
I leaned in and although it was uncomfortable, I put my head on his shoulder. I heard a door shut, and realized it was just the two of us in the room now. "Come here, " John told me. I wasn't sure what he wanted but I stood and stepped to the front of his chair. He turned me so I was standing the opposite way and pulled me down to his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, and I snuggled in.
I loved him so much!
It was afternoon, and we had just got back to our apartment after spending what I found to be an exhausting time with our counselor. I wanted to relax, so John put on an old television show that we had found in my archives. It was a British show, called Doctor Who.
This particular episode had a handsome man playing the Doctor and a beautiful, dark-skinned woman who reminded me of Kari. Every time I watched one of the episodes with Martha, (the woman’s name) I felt tears bubbling up. This particular episode had another effect on me, however.
It was about time-locked beings that were the origin of the statues of angels that covered their eyes, from that time period. They couldn’t move if you were looking at them. When they got an evil expression, I always jumped and buried my face in John’s shoulder. It was one of his favorite episodes. I always had a sneaking hunch that it wasn’t the episode itself, but my reaction to it.
This time, however, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep against John’s shoulder, and woke up with my head on his lap. I looked at our screen and saw the closing credits of the show.
“Sorry I fell asleep,” I murmured.
“I can rewind if you’d like,” he told me.
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Me curling up, begging for protection.”
“I’d be lying if I said no.”
“Uh-huh.” I sat up. “Listen, buster. Scaring me for your own gratification isn’t very nice.”
“For you or me?”
“Oh, what I will do to you tonight… You are going to regret that, my dear,” I threatened.
“I certainly hope so.”
Well, I didn’t regret it. I don’t think he did either.
I sat down with several friends to play some music. I felt I had no ability to teach, but these were people who had read some of my books and had applied the ideas in them to their own instrument of choice.
We were practicing music for a concert. Much of what we were getting ready was ancient band music. I was handling keyboards, Vernon Wang was playing drums, Carla had taken up lead guitar, and had gotten quite good. We also had a bass guitar player named Phillip Troy.
I was singing lead and the others were singing backup.
We did okay but not as good as we could have been. Practices had gone better, which scared me. I knew that a bad dress rehearsal means a good performance and vice versa. The best part of the concert, as far as I was concerned, was when I dedicated a song to John. It was an old song called You Belong to Me, that was covered by many people, but my favorite version of the song was by a woman named Patsy Cline.
It was a few nights later that John and I went to the outer ring. I had mentioned to him that I was sorry we really had no way to view the stars. We viewed them from the ship-side of the rings, but there was too much light. We went to the other side, where Fred and Paula had sat on the rock, viewing so much. It was nice to view things there, but we felt like we were taking advantage of Fred’s absence.
It was a friend who came up with an interesting idea. He had been one of the pioneers of the holographic technology with which we had made our parks on N21, so when John asked him to produce a birthday gift for, he was glad to show it off. Amazingly, Neo22 had nothing like it.
Trent Carr had been working on his holographic technology for a long time, and he had come up with some interesting applications for using it. He had an idea of mixing the ability to make a hologram with the fields used in various aspects of the ship’s systems to make a hologram seem solid.
Of course, I knew nothing of this at the time. I knew what Trent had done on John and my ship, but I had no idea what he was going to do on this one.
On my birthday, I went up to Heaven’s Rose as I usually did. I always found the building nice, but it had always bugged me that it appeared to be in a giant hanger, even though the ‘town’ around looked nice. The ceiling overhead just seemed out of place, as did the walls around. Granted, the ceiling was nearly a quarter-mile above, but it looked like a ceiling.
I was very busy making about a thousand different things in my kitchen (a slight exaggeration, but only slight) when I realized John wasn’t by my side as he always was. He was always there, but that time, I turned to speak to him, and no John! I turned around to see him walk into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face.
"Where were you, and what are you so chipper about?" I couldn't stay mad at him for long, but he was going to feel this for as long as I could make him. I didn't have him to help me when I needed it, and I had lost a dessert in an oven. Happy, I was not!
"Come here, Rose. I want to show you something."
"Now?!!?"
He looked around and seemed to realize that I had been very busy. His smile was replaced by a look of concern. "You needed my help, didn't you? I'm sorry, Honey."
I looked around the kitchen. A few things would require starting again, but I could see what he wanted to show me right quick. "What do you want me to see?" I asked with a sigh.
"It can wait. Let's get this fixed first."
We got going, and I didn't have time to think about it until we were finished cleaning up after dinner. "I'm sorry I was upset earlier, John." I turned as I was taking off an apron.
He had specified that he wanted me dressed up for the evening. I needed to change, so I went into my office and took a shower, then put on the dress I had brought and fixed my makeup. I went out into the kitchen again and saw John closing what looked like a picnic basket. I looked down at my dress and again felt rather overdressed, however, he went into my office and a few minutes later, came out in a suit.
"A picnic?" I asked. "It's dark out there, and look how we're dressed."
"Do you trust me?" He asked.
"I did until I had to make a second cake this afternoon, " I told him.
He was looking at something but glanced up when I said that. He saw my smile, however, so he said with his own grin and a pretend sigh, "I suppose I deserve dire consequences tonight."
I raised an eyebrow as I told him, "That remains to be seen."
He touched a button on what he had been looking at before, then picked up the basket and held out his other arm for me to take. Even in heels, I was still a bit shorter, but he knew what I wanted when I tipped my head back. He kissed me and I pulled his head closer afterward so I could whisper, "I trust you completely."
I took his arm and we walked out of the building.
I gasped at the sight! In front of me was the town, but instead of a steel ceiling, it was a night sky! There were stars everywhere! I looked around, and I couldn't even see the walls. It was as if we were standing in a small town with just the occasional streetlight shining in the night.
"Happy birthday, Rose," he told me.
"Birthday? This isn't just for me, John."
"No, but I helped Trent get it ready so we could turn it on tonight."
"What were you going to show me this afternoon?"
"It will show a blue sky during the day, and you still won't see the walls."
I felt like giving him another kiss, and I wasn't one to go against feelings like that, so I did. "Thank you, John! It's beautiful!"
We walked out into the park where the memorial for Fred was. From there, the stars looked incredible. I was absolutely thrilled. I hadn't seen a sky like that in so long. Sure, we could see it out the viewports, but it was not the same as seeing the town around us.
I leaned into his side, and he obligingly put his arm around me. I know the temperature was as it always was, but I imagined I could feel a breeze, and his arm felt all the more wonderful wrapped around me.
He led me to a table on the other side of the park and we sat down. He pulled some champagne out along with two glasses. Next, he pulled out two dinners as well as the cutlery to eat with. The dinner was from the steakhouse, and I gave him a curious eye.
"Well I didn't think you should have to cook your own dinner," he told me with a smile.
I had to admit that it made sense and the steak was excellent.
He had one more thing to show me, so I picked up the basket. He took it from me, and when I started to object because I was perfectly able to carry it, he just held out his arm for me to take. Damn it! He knows I love chivalry! Okay. It was my birthday.
We walked through the town and onto a dirt path. I was very glad for his arm which I now clutched with both hands as I was wearing heels. We came into a clearing, and I could see the outline of a building in front of us. None of the lights from the town showed through the trees here, so it was hard to see what the building was. John stopped and he switched the basket to the arm I was holding, then reached into his pocket. Suddenly, lights came on both in the building and outside.
It was a house! An honest to goodness house! We walked up to the door and inside.
We entered a living room that was decorated with our things. My instruments we're hanging on one wall and my grand piano was in a corner. Another wall had a bookcase full of books that had been in both of our old collections. We had replaced them as soon as we could.
He led me to the kitchen, and I found everything that had been in my kitchen in our apartment.
Down a hall, he showed me a bedroom door. There was the sound of music I didn't like coming from within. I opened the door and saw my twelve year old daughter laying on the bed, her comm playing the horrendous music at high volume, and she was playing some kind of game.
Apparently, she had good hearing, because she rolled to where she could see us and removed the VR helmet from her head. "Hi, Mom! Dad! Isn't this place great? Our own house! I guess everyone who has a shop in Fredriksburg gets their own house!"
I turned to stare at my husband. He had known and not told me! He defused my anger in a way only he could. He hugged me hard and told me, "Happy birthday!"
I didn't tell him he had said that before. I just looked around in awe. He teased me by pushing up on my chin, closing my mouth. We turned and walked down the hallway the other direction. We passed three closed doors, one on the side that Frieda's room was on, and two on the other side.
When we entered the living room, John led me toward a hall on the other side. In that hall, we found a music studio for me and a workshop for John. We started for the last door and Frieda ran around us, opening the door.
It was our bedroom, and it was wonderful. There was a large bed in the center. I had a vanity on one wall. There were windows on two sides and a door that looked as if it led to an ensuite. There was another door on the same wall as the restroom, and I opened it to find a huge closet with my clothes taking up most of the space. I turned to John and asked, "What were the other rooms by Frieda's room? I'm assuming one was a restroom?"
"There's a restroom at the end of the hall for guests. Frieda has her own restroom too."
"So what are the other rooms?"
"Unoccupied."
"Any ideas for occupying them?"
"One or two," he told me.
I didn't look away from his face as I said, "Frieda, would you leave us? Your father and I need to discuss something."
"Uh-huh," she said in a way only a pre-teen can and walked out. She paused at the door and turned back. "You want this door shut?"
"Yes please," I said, still looking at John.
"Locked?"
"Sure."
"Want me to put on some loud music so I can't hear your 'discussion'?"
This time I turned and gave her my mother glare. "Would you just go?!!?"
She snickered as she shut the door. I could hear her running down the hall toward her own room. A moment later, her awful music came on, very loud.
I turned back to John. "Couldn't you have soundproofed our door?"
He laughed. "Have I earned your dire consequences?"
I cocked my head at him. "With that music playing?"
"She won't hear us."
"But I'll hear it!"
"I've got some earplugs in my shop."
I started to laugh. "What am I going to do with you?" I asked.
"Well… We could always fill those extra rooms."
"Oh. Is that why you built this? So we can populate the ship?"
"I didn't build it. As Frieda said, everyone who has a shop in town gets a house."
"They followed your specs. This is what we talked about for when and if we ever get to a planet. By the way, you didn't answer me."
"Uh, no. This isn't just to populate the ship." He paused for a moment for effect. "I'd like to populate those three rooms, however."
"Do you really think you've earned my wrath?" I tried to sound fierce, but I couldn't carry it off. Not while I was so happy with him.
"I'm hoping I have."
I grabbed his lapels and pulled him to me. I gave him a kiss and told him, "For several days."
I turned and went into the bathroom kicking off my shoes on the way. When I saw the interior, I called out sweetly, "I'm gonna need someone to wash my back".
He was beside me in a heartbeat.
A few days later, I had a couple of days off from running Heaven's Rose. I got dressed in some casual clothes and went outside. I wanted to see what had been done for decorating the house outside.
I stopped just outside the door. I felt a breeze! I turned and looked in the glass of the front door. I could see my hair blowing gently.
I hurried back in and saw John getting up. "There's a breeze outside." I was concerned as wind is not something you want in a spaceship. It usually has dire consequences, and I don't mean the kind I give when when he makes me happy.
"That was my doing, dear," he told me while he was pulling on his pants. "I placed some gravity plates at the narrow end of the bay. They are at the top of the bay, and will only create a breeze at ground level."
"They can be turned up, though?"
"They can, but I won't allow it."
"Do you control it?" I asked him. I remembered what happened to Fred. I turned to face the wall because I didn't want him to see my fear at his idea.
He must have known what was going through my mind. He came up behind me and enveloped me with his arms. "The default on these plates is off. Not full power like the ones in the engines."
I nodded. I recognized that he knew what he was doing, but it scared me. We had been through so much that I suspected most new things.
I had been told by Mara to face the things that scared me. John had been there at the time.
I sat on the bed for a while, crying but building up courage. It was frustrating. I would work out tears only to have to cry again, just a little while later. What the hell had that bastard done to me?
Finally, I looked up into John's face and put on a shaky smile. "Do we have a kite?"
He looked at me shocked, then he slowly got a big grin. "I'll make one."
I smiled back, then went to the closet. He changed into some shorts and a tank top, then headed to his workshop.
I pulled off the shorts and tank top I was wearing. John could wear his, but if I was going to fly a kite, I was going to do it right! I put on a sundress and some flats, then I washed my face and put on some eye makeup and a little blush. I put my hair in a ponytail then went to Frieda's room. I knocked on the door and heard her say, "Come in."
"Your dad is making a kite. Do you want to help us fly it?"
She stared like I'd lost my mind. "You're kidding, right?"
We had a great relationship, but I doubt she could see the joy of getting a kite flying. John had built one when we were kids, and I loved flying it with him.
"I just figured I'd ask."
She gave me a strange look, then said, "Mom, go enjoy your time with Dad, okay?"
Somewhere, she had learned to read me like a book. Obviously, she had gotten that ability from her dad. Thinking about it, much of her personality seemed to come from him, as did her dark brown hair and hazel eyes. The rest of her looked like me, but I was a honey blonde and had blue eyes. Well, mostly. I could see elements of him in her face, although it seemed to be the general consensus that she was a dead ringer for me.
I heard John come out of his shop and asked, "Are you ready?"
"Last chance," I said to Frieda.
She smiled, motioned for me to leave, and picked up her virtual helmet, put it on and lay down. "Have fun," she said.
"Be good, " I retorted, then went out to the living room.
John took one look at me and said, "This is a really nice day."
I took a look at his muscular arms and legs. I knew that his chest matched very nicely. "If you lose the shirt, " I countered.
"Gonna lose the dress?"
"When we get back home."
"I can lose my shirt then as well."
"And shorts?"
He laughed as we went outside. "That can be arranged," he said as he started toward town.
I was still standing on our porch and he stopped and turned around to look at me. "Aren't we going out back?" I asked as we had a pretty good-sized back yard.
"Now why would I hide you here?"
"Do you remember the last time we flew a kite together?" I asked.
He came back and we sat down on the swing hanging from the porch roof. It wasn't likely to rain in Fredriksburg, but this was something I had fallen in love with when I was a little girl. Okay… I was in my fifties and was physically a man, but… oh hell with it; I was a girl back then too. Anyway, I loved a scene in a movie where a girl and her boyfriend watched a thunderstorm from just such a swing.
"I remember it, yes."
"How did you feel about it?"
He processed my suggestion, how I was dressed, and my question then he became serious, which was not his normal personality. He looked down at the kite he was holding, then back at me. "I'm sorry Rose. I don't think it meant as much to me as it did you. I did have a lot of fun that day, but to me, we were just two boys…"
"I know, John. It was something completely different to me. In my mind, you were my handsome boyfriend, I was your girl and we were enjoying a nice spring day. I was dressed something like this, and…" I stopped. I could get past much of the pain by thinking of myself as female back then, but I was having to explain it to him, and it was a painful reminder that I was a boy, maybe not just like him, but male physically.
"You want today to be the way it should have been back then?"
I nodded, feeling again those tears that always seemed so near the surface.
"You know, don't you, that if… oh hell. How to say this so and not hurt you." He paused. "Nevermind."
I wanted to know, however. I didn't like secrets between us. Well, at least not the painful kind. Birthdays were a wonderful time for the nice kind.
"Please tell me?"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"So how can you stand me? I'm dealing with so much hurt now. I had forgotten what I was as a child. Probably drove that…" I struggled for a bit. "You know, there are really no words to describe my contempt for Willem." I looked away to hide my tears. "Probably drove his computers crazy trying to figure out what the hell I was."
"You were my girl," he told me. "I was the one too blind to see it.
I laughed at that and some of the pain slid away.
He took my hands and looked into my eyes. "I want to tell you something, Rose, and this is the honest to God truth. If you had transitioned before Willem's interference, I would have been happy to spend time with you; get to know that side of you; love you."
I was surprised that he would make such a joke. That wasn't normal for him. I looked in his eyes and saw that he was quite serious.
What? He was serious? Oh great… more hurt. I thought about what this meant. It would have been another two hundred years together. Maybe have some kids. No. That wouldn't be good. Then our kids would have gone through 'Total Fun'. I wouldn't have wanted that.
I finally got myself under control and told him, "Let's fly that thing."
Again, he took in the way I looked. "It's up to you, Rose, but I'd love to show you off."
"People have seen a lot of me."
"People have seen you dressed up and they've seen you dressed for work, but right now, you are showing yourself completely casual. I don't think there's a more beautiful woman on the ship."
"Shall I count them off for you?"
"If someone thinks there is any woman more beautiful, they need to know that they are wrong."
I shook my head at him in exasperation. "Okay. I'll go to the park, but you'd better let me lead you. You're obviously blind, John."
"I believe you have that backward, Rose. Anyone who disagrees with me is the one who is blind." He took my hands and spoke in earnest. "You have felt this probably more than other people. You had shoved these feelings into a box where you didn't think they could hurt you, but you were wrong."
He looked down for a moment, thinking. "You asked me how I can stand you? Because I have a love for you that I never thought possible. You're hurt, I know, but you've got to stop living in the past. You have got me, and I will never leave you. Whatever happened back then, whether it was Willem or something before, it's over, never to come back."
"I'll tell you what. Come to town with me, let's start a kite fad, then let's go home and talk about the hurt, okay?"
I sighed deeply, then nodded. This wasn't the way I wanted to have a new kite memory, but it was probably my own fault.
We arrived at the park and John held the kite while I ran with it. Several people stopped walking and watched as it caught the wind and started to fly. John hurried over to me and put an arm around my waist. We had fun! Some people wondered how it was constructed. I guess they had never seen one. I brought it in and John caught it, then showed what he had done to make it. We got it airborne again, only this time I held it for him. I ran back to him and watched as he made the kite do tricks. It spun, did figure eights and soared higher and higher.
He finally reached the end of the string, and I was curious how much of a pull the wind was producing. He gave me the spool, and it was very impressive. I asked how he made it spin, and he showed me. Very soon, we were laughing at my attempts.
I finally got it to do it, but my arms were getting sore. The wind really was hard up there. I started bringing it down and John pointed across the park. I looked and giggled when I saw two kites flying and then a third one start to rise.
"You were right about starting a fad," I remarked.
He laughed and gave me a kiss.
We started home, and although I wasn't looking forward to our coming talk, I had really enjoyed myself. It was a memory I would treasure. Just enjoying being out and playing together. It's not something a girl close to a thousand years old gets to do with her husband often.
We arrived back at our home after our fun in the park. I had been right when I asked for it. At first, my sundress swirling around my legs reminded me how the wind was made, and that bothered me, but I soon got over it and had more fun. I started to realize that this was a day like that one so long ago, the difference being, it was the way I had wanted it to be.
As we got closer, we could hear a hard rock beat and bass coming from Frieda's end of the house. It was a song that we both agreed on from the ancient archives. The group had a lead singer with an incredible voice and a stage presence that was hard to imagine.
I listened to the music and tried to remember the group's name. I knew the lead singer had a name I would never forget. 'Freddy' and then the name of a planet. Oh yeah… Mercury. I hadn't heard the song for so many years. It had a throbbing bassline and electric guitar, but not much else. Somehow, Freddy Mercury pulled it off with just that.
We sat down and started talking. I wasn't sure what to say, but John remained open and just listened for the majority of the conversation.
He started it off, though. "Do you remember when you started to feel love for me?"
"Yes," I said quietly. "I was nine years old. You were ten. We were heading to that creek near my house to go fishing. There was a girl just down the street from you, a couple of houses, who had been crushing on you, and you were telling me how she didn't want to fish because it was gross. I looked at you and figured it was her loss."
He chuckled. "And that's when you fell in love with me?"
I laughed as well. "Just remember, John. You asked."
"Yes, I did." He pulled me close and I leaned on his shoulder.
"What really got me was the fact that even though I couldn't touch the worms, you didn't hold that against me. I had made the effort and went. You baited my hooks and we had a good time."
"You caught us lunch that day too Rose."
"I learned from the best."
"Suck up," he told me.
"Just giving praise where praise is due," I countered. "Besides, I only ever went fishing with you. I have a rather limited pool to choose good fishermen from."
"That makes me feel so much better," he laughed.
I looked at him with an impish expression. I'm sure he felt like sticking his tongue out at me, but he would never do that. I, on the other hand, had no such inhibitions.
I put my head down again, and he asked, "Did you ever think about telling me?"
"John, I rehearsed that particular talk so many times, I could almost quote it now. The long and the short of it is the ending was almost always the same." I paused and chose my words very carefully. "You told me earlier that you would have been happy to spend time with me if I had transitioned to a woman. I didn't think I could take that chance. I never had a rehearsal where we ended up together. The best I could think of was that we might have been friends afterward.
"I believe you, though. I was looking at it through the eyes of a young girl. By the time we were adults, I had decided that I wanted to be your friend for the rest of my life, and if that meant I had to remain a male, I would rather do that."
"Look at the harm it caused, Rose."
I hated to admit that my strategy didn't work but looking back at things I had to say it hadn't.
"John, I didn't want us to part company."
"Didn't you trust me to know I would never have given up your friendship because you wanted to transition?"
"If I had only wanted that, of course, but I wanted you as well. I couldn't help but think that it would be awkward. Remember Connie?"
"She wouldn't even try fishing!"
I couldn't help but giggle. He was doing a masterful job of keeping me on an even keel as we talked. His humor was one of the things I loved about him. I missed it terribly when we were under Willem's influence.
"You sent her packing," I told him.
"I loved fishing!"
"So did I! I wish we had a place to fish here. Would you still bait my hooks?"
He laughed at that. I got to thinking about the cruelty of children and was glad John and I never fished with anyone else. I would have been a sissy for not baiting my own hooks. Little would they know they were right. Or maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe they would. John knew me better than anyone and he never suspected. Maybe they wouldn't. I was getting confused now.
"Do you think anyone knew what I was?"
He sighed. "Remember when I came over to pick you up when we were teenagers? We were going hiking and I had a black eye and that sore on my arm?"
I nodded, almost afraid of what he was going to say, but also elated at the suspected chivalry.
"Brad Gibson and Gene Osborne were giving me shit about hanging around with you. About hanging around a sissy. That's not to say they knew you were trans. Just that you acted a bit more girly than other guys."
"I see." My thoughts went back to that time. I saw the two boys in my mind. They were always giving me guff. I was someone who was different. A ready-made target.
"You know what bothers me most about that time?" John asked. "I was so pissed at them for calling you names, I fought them both… lost miserably, by the way, but I would fight them again if they continued. The problem was, I wanted to protect your honor, and I never bothered to think about your position. I thought I was defending you when if I had done a bit of thinking, I might have seen you for who you were."
I stretched up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for defending my honor."
We continued going through our lives until N21. There were lots to cover in those two hundred years, and we spent the rest of the day talking. I lay with my head on his lap most of the time. I was opening so many doors that had been closed.
Finally, I said, "I wonder how the nanites didn't know?"
"I think Willem wasn't the god he wanted everyone to believe he was. He needed us to react to his shit. He needed to have us be afraid, but how to do that? By that time you had forgotten your gender. All you remembered was your sex. We were made to fear anyone different than us. I believe that the mental state in regards to gender was passed on to the one touched, along with the biological sex."
"So if I had touched someone, they would be a person as messed up as me?" I thought about that for a bit, then something occurred to me. "Where is all this coming from, by the way?"
He would have hung his head, but that put him looking at my curious face. He seemed to struggle with that for a bit, then looked me in the eye. "I discussed it with Mara. I wondered about it myself. I wondered if it could be false memories."
I was shocked he would think that, but then I realized it was a valid question. It hurt, but I knew it had to be asked. "What did she say?"
"She has noticed this type of thing in the past where people were confused for one reason or another. She's also found other people where the nanites made mistakes. All of them were where people were confused."
"So she doesn't think it's false memories?"
"No she doesn't, and honestly, neither do I."
We spent about a year talking to Mara, and it was helping. What really raised my spirits was when Paula and Winston decided to tie the knot. We had known that he had proposed and she had said yes, so a few weeks later, we met in Paula’s house. She and Winston were already living together, most of the time. Winston didn’t have a house around Fredriksburg, but I had found out awhile back that Paula owned the steakhouse around the corner from Heaven’s Rose. She, Carla, and I had become very good friends, and many people referred to us as the three sisters. We had no problem with it, because that’s how we felt about each other.
When we sat down, Paula started going through who she wanted to take part in the wedding. Gina and Rhoda were also there. It was a forgone conclusion that Gina would officiate, but she had a serious problem deciding who was going to be her maid of honor. She looked at her ‘sisters’ and her daughter and told us that she was going to have Rhoda be her maid of honor, and have Carla and me be her bridesmaids. Both of us were absolutely fine with that arrangement.
We had the wedding two weeks later. Paula decided to wear white, even though, this was her second wedding. She looked radiant. Thankfully Rhoda, Carla, and I didn’t have matching dresses. They were pastel colors, but the style was the same. Mine was in peach, which was my favorite color, so I was rather happy with it.
We had a large dinner afterward, and it was at Heaven’s Rose. Of course, John was one of Winston’s groomsmen, so he couldn’t be the chef, and I couldn’t either. We had my best assistant chef cook the meal, and he did rather well. I was happy to taste the meal. It was really up to my standards. Perhaps not quite as good as what John or I could do, but I figured I would get Rik’s training up and eventually let him do more of the cooking. I honestly thought he might be able to take over from me at some point to let me cook just for my family and concentrate on my music more, he was that good!
We arrived at Alpha Centauri eventually and started scanning the surface. There was no sign of a civilization on the surface, and no sign of Centaurus either.
We scanned the atmosphere and found that there was a gas in it that was not really conducive to human life. It wouldn’t kill us, because of the nanites in our bodies. They would do something with the gas and keep us alive.
The problem was, any children before they had their first infusion of nanites. Nanites did not cross the placental barrier, because the were tuned to the mother’s DNA. It was very tough to decide that your children have nanites after what we’d been through. All we had for making nanites were the specifications for the same model that we had. Neo22 had developed a new model, and even when a child was born, and they had been infused with these, it was shown that they responded to the same signals that the old ones had. It was so hard to build a complicated receiver inside something that small.
A few days after we arrived, we were asked to come to the command center. Gina looked very solemn, and explained that they had been slowly altering our orbit to where we had a straight shot to the Kepler planet we were going to go to next. When it had been changed, we ran across some debris in orbit. It was supposed that it had started out at a much higher orbit because it hadn’t burned up yet.
Very quietly, John asked what it was.
“It is pieces of, if not Centaurus, a ship just like her,” Gina answered.
“No other ship was scheduled to be here,” Paula said.
“I know.”
“What would have destroyed her?” I asked.
“The only reason I can think of,” Rhoda explained, “is a miscalculation in their course. A planet this far away would be hard to pinpoint exactly. Just a fraction of an inch off at Sol’s system could end up being hundreds of miles difference here.”
“Do you think that’s likely?” asked Marc.
“No.”
“Why,” I asked.
“Because I entered the course.”
“No offense, Rhoda,” Paula said gently, “but you just said a fraction of an inch at home could yield hundreds of miles here. Even if they realized it, it would take just a tiny thrust to fix it. It would only take a millisecond to long, or short a burn to mess up.”
“This would have to be a too close flyby,” Rhoda explained. “I checked those figures about fifty times. One time a day, so I wasn’t too tired to go over them.”
“Could it have been anything else?” Gina asked.
“I really don’t know, Gina. It really doesn’t seem like much else would yield these results.”
“Are we sure there’s no life on the planet?” Carla asked.
“We’re as sure as we can be,” answered Winston. “We’ve scanned the surface many, many times. Nothing has come up.”
“What about underwater?” my ever imaginative husband asked.
“That’s a possibility,” answered Gina. “We can stay in orbit a little longer, and send some ships down to check it out.”
“That sounds good,” said Marc. “That makes a lot of sense. Thy could filter the air before it was used to pressurize their habitat.”
“Let’s check it out,” Gina told us. “Marc, and John. Can you set up some teams to go down in landing craft?”
“Yes, we can,” John answered. “We’ll bet on it right away.”
We left the command center wondering what we would find below.