Paula
Call it what you want: night shift, night guard, night watch, graveyard shift, anchor watch if you're a naval type, it means you are awake while everybody sane in the world is sound asleep.

Well, if you don't count those who have insomnia, anyway. Then there's the good old infidelity shift. Not that I have to worry about infidelity in my case - a sixty year old grandmother is rather unlikely to be getting a little on the side in this big, old, industrial complex.

That's me, security guard for good ole One-Stop Security, on duty from eleven PM to seven-thirty AM, insuring that nothing walks away from the place and nothing odd happens on my shift. I can hear you asking (I have exceptional hearing, a plus for my job) 'just what is a sixty year old grandmother doing patrolling an industrial complex all night?' Not a bad question, but the answer is a bit complicated. So sit back and I'll fill you in.

I wasn't always a grandmother, which shouldn't come as a big surprise to anyone, and back when I was nineteen I gave birth to my first child. Not too long after a couple of more followed and I opted to be a stay-at-home mother while my husband brought home the bacon. Not unusual for the days of my youth, that 1950s work ethic wasn't all that far in the past. Hell, there were still people who got exercised about women wearing pants back then, fer cryin' out loud!

So when we needed some extra money to keep the family afloat, I started helping my brother, who ran a small security company. I started doing some of the book-work and such, and got to know many of the people working there. As these things go in a family business I was soon doing schedules and even sweet-talking new customers into signing a contract.

Then one night one of the dispatchers had some sort of problem and called in sick, so I volunteered to take over for the night. After breastfeeding three kids in five years, staying up all night got to be a habit; pulling a night shift was no problem.

I found out I liked it more than the book-work, so everybody was glad to have me working the phones and radios on the third shift. Pretty cushy job, if you could stay awake. Lots of time to read when things were quiet, no problems with some fool worrying about a poor, defenseless, vulnerable woman working alone late at night because it was my brother who owned the company.

Things started out pretty well, he was slowly increasing the business and getting a small reputation, but my brother was never one to be the slow and steady type. He started making some pretty foolish decisions. Oh yeah - since I was working under the table the tax man didn't have to know about it, which was fine for both of us.

Ah - I hear the next question! What the heck is the head of a security company doing fiddling the IRS? Why would his sister be dumb enough to fiddle the IRS, too?

For my brother, it's because he's a damnfool idiot. Just because he's my big brother doesn't mean I haven't figured him out. For me, it was called being broke. With three kids to feed and a husband who's still underpaid, we needed that money the tax man wanted to gobble. OK, I'm not proud of it, but if the choice is between feeding my kids and feeding some politician: screw politics! It wasn't until forty years later I figured out that it wasn't the brightest of ideas.

As for my brother, he took the 'infidelity shift' quite literally, I don't know why Sharon put up with him except maybe that he made a lot of money for her to spend. Not my problem, but what was my problem occurred a few years later when I realized he had made some very unfortunate friends and his business would be in the toilet sooner rather than later.

As I mentioned earlier, this was the start of women's liberation or whatever euphemism you want to hang on it, and bigger companies were reluctantly hiring token women to make themselves look good. Cynical? Who, me? I still needed a job, so I pulled in some contacts (they call it networking these days), cobbled up a resume (only lying slightly about my experience in the security biz), bought myself a female version of the Power Suit and talked my way into a job as a security guard for a reputable company. Even though there was wailing and gnashing of teeth from the upper echelons about a woman security guard working the night shift, the publicity hacks loved it. I even got my picture in the paper in my snazzy new uniform with all those do-dads hanging off my belt standing in front of my patrol car. The patrol car was part of the whole deal, as that meant I wasn't walking around alone in some rather iffy places and could grab the mike and holler for help if need it.

As for my idiot brother, he spent some years behind bars and I wasn't at all sympathetic, but at least I wasn't part of his lousy company any longer.

This whole thing with me on night shift worked out surprisingly well as Josh and I were home in the evenings with the kids. Where it failed was during the teenage years. Hindsight revealed our middle child needed a lot more supervision than we provided. She was a sneaky bitch, hiding her escapades from her trusting parents. Yeah, I know. How could a damned security guard be so trusting? Josh and I tried, but she ended up in rehab several times before disappearing. If you think a tough bitch of a security guard can't cry, then I'm here to tell you you're wrong. I bawled my eyes out, and so did Josh in his manly way. Once again, I called in some favors and had some pretty good people search for her but she was gone.

My wonderful husband and my two other kids got me through all the trauma. We got much closer as a family and eventually we went on with life. The kids went to college and turned out pretty good, if you'll pardon a proud Momma saying so. Even though Josh was earning enough for us to live on quite comfortably, I liked being a security guard and kept at it, although by then I had enough seniority to work days and we were able to sleep in the same bed for more than some rather good sex. Frankly the sex got better after Josh got himself fixed and we didn't have to worry about another kid making an appearance.

You've heard of Mr Murphy and his lousy laws, haven't you? If anything can go wrong, it will. Then there's the corollary: If there's an absolute worst time for this to happen, then that's when it 's going to happen. According to the log on my shiny new, expensive cell phone that time was 2:47 PM on a Wednesday afternoon. I was thirteen minutes from the end of my shift so I said 'What the hell?' and took a personal call in spite of company policy. Why not? Nothing was happening on the job at that precise moment.

The call was from Colorado, so I assumed it was somebody wanting to sell me something - even back then those annoying assholes were cold calling anyone and anything. I was wrong - it was a social worker from Denver and she had some devastating news. She apologized for having to tell me over the phone, but she regretted to inform me that Colleen, my missing daughter, had died giving birth to a child a few hours earlier. It had taken some time to find her next-of-kin and blah-blah-blah. I wasn't really listening by that time.

This time the tough bitch security officer just gave it up and started weeping right there in the lobby of a fancy office building and she didn't care who saw her. My replacement arrived just at that moment and threw all decorum and tough-guy image out the proverbial window, holding on to me and saying the things you say to a woman in distress. The concierge, realizing that something momentous was happening, quickly took us to an empty office and promised to hold the fort. No fuss, no recriminations, just concern and compassion.

Amazingly, the lady in Denver held on while all this was happening, and after a time I realized she was still on the phone. The woman was good, the woman was patient, and by the time the call was over I learned I suddenly had two more grandchildren several states away and they had no mother or father to take care of them.

At times like these you learn just how resourceful you can be. Josh and I were on a plane less than four hours later and were in Denver an hour or so after that, heading straight for the hospital. My years in security stood me in good stead as we negotiated the maze of officialdom to take our new grandchildren home with us, not to mention burying our emaciated, drug-ravaged daughter. We learned a neighbor was watching our so-far-nameless one year old grandson and that Colleen had told the hospital staff that the new girl-child was to be called Paula. That started the waterworks again - my name is Paula.

I resigned my position as a security guard and Josh and I spent the next eighteen years raising our grandchildren. Believe me - in your forties it's a lot harder to put all that effort into raising kids, but at least you have experience to draw on. Despite their difficult start in life, Paula and Andy were a joy and we couldn't have been prouder to watch both of them walk across the stage, graduating from college with honors. It did seem weird to be Mom to kids the same age as those that called me Grandma, but that's how life goes.

As no good deed goes unpunished, a year later Josh dropped dead of a heart attack. No warning, just an odd look and he was gone. This time the children and grandchildren carried me through. Then Mr Murphy did his little dance of doom and vituperation once again: we had cashed in the life insurance as all the kids were gone and spent most of it on fixing the house. When I applied for Josh's pension, we found out that the company had been looting the pension fund and there was bupkis left after the shouting was done. I had just turned fifty-eight, too soon for Social Security, which was close to bupkis since I had spent all that time working under the table and then taken all that time off to raise children and grandchildren. Sure, there was a bit of Survivor's Benefits from Josh, but the upshot was I would be broke when the savings ran out. Before all this happened the zeros in the bankbook, made our savings look pretty good, but the zeros fly away pretty fast when you need to spend it over the next few decades.

So, with a lot of help from the kids and our friends we cleaned out the house, put it on the market and sold what I could sell that wasn't going to fit in the nice apartment that I could afford. Then I went back to work for One-Stop Security, an outfit that would guard your goodies, investigate your mysteries and move your valuables around in those big armored trucks you see outside banks and shopping malls.

Naturally I was doing what I knew best; Grandma was a Security Guard once more. My contacts in the business could almost be called ancient, but a couple of them were now highly placed. I had trained Brian once upon a time and now he was the boss, so gave me the opportunity to earn a living once again.

So now you know what an old lady is doing wandering around an industrial complex in the middle of the night. Once again, my super-acute hearing tells me you are asking 'Just what the heck does all this drama have to do with crossdressing?' For that you'll have to wait for the next chapter

Paula
So we're back to the industrial complex, where I started rambling on and got distracted. Now you know why I'm here, but where exactly is here? If it makes you feel any better, just pick out a medium big city and think of some honking great building set in a vast field of other honking great buildings and you'll get the picture. Then add an aging sign out front extolling an 'Industrial Park' or a 'Technical Incubator' or some such product of a PR man's fancy. Things are a bit grimy, paint is peeling here and there, the parking lot and roads could use the kind attentions of a blacktopping crew. Now you have the picture. Some of those buildings contain stuff that would make your eyes pop, and some of those buildings are home to some first-class engineers and scientists who need a cheap place to develop an idea for market. You'd be amazed at how much the gear they used cost, and how many people were very interested in finding out just what was going on in those old buildings.

That's why I'm here, wandering around the place in the darkness, or should I say that's why we're here. The place is just too big for one guard to cover properly, so we double team this one. My partner Titus, a curly haired twenty-something who doesn't really fit the image of 'security guard' any better than I do, is there as well. When I first met him I thought 'Damn! How did they hire Little Orphan Annie to be a security guard?' Maybe 5'6" slim and a shock of curly red hair like a lollipop on his head.

Titus was a newbie guard, although he was twenty-six years old when he started. As so many people do these days, Titus had knocked around doing this-and-that after finding out a liberal Arts degree didn't do much good any more. After flipping burgers and other such folderol, the modest pay of a guard, especially with the third shift premium, looked pretty good to him.

It seems I'm considered a good influence and get to break in the new hires a couple or three times a year. Just about the time they get good at the job they get transferred and I get to start all over again. Naturally the newbies get stuck on the night shift, and since I prefer the night shift I get to do the dirty work.

Actually, the owners of the place were pretty generous to us peons. You could hardly call our office a 'guard shack.' Centrally located in the complex it had a pretty good alarm system and a damn good camera network covering just about everywhere. Sometimes I thought I was Captain Jane T Kirk at the console of the Starship Enterprise, but my chair wasn't anywhere as cool as the one on the show.

In between rounds, which were properly staggered and not predictable, Titus and I could sit there and bullshit or just relax and read a book as long as one of us was keeping an eye on the screens. True to my image as a Grandma, I also brought my knitting to while away the hours producing scarves, mittens, socks and the like for the multitude of offspring in the family. I was surprised when Titus asked me to teach him how to knit, but why not? My sons and grandsons had all learned how to knit, so Titus, being near the age of my youngest granddaughter, was a prime candidate for the opportunity.

With a whole lot of time to talk, Titus and I got to be buddies pretty quick, despite him being of an age with my grandchildren. Even with two generations between us, the things he did as a kid and teen were much like the things I did; we had plenty of funny and poignant stories to tell each other. Despite the intimacy that grew between us, I always felt there was a chunk of him that remained hidden - one of those feelings crotchety old grannies come to trust, even if they can't explain just why they feel that way.

I got the feeling his parents were not too happy with him but could weasel out no details. No girlfriend, not a party animal, a bit of a Science Fiction geek, but so was I. We turned each other on to authors who we had never heard of during our nightly bull sessions. With Josh gone I had a lot of time for reading these days, both by myself or to great-grandchildren.

Oops - I let it slip. The security guard is a great-grandma, my family tends to early marriages and early pregnancies. At sixty I had two great grandchildren. Somehow, Great-Grandma the Security Guard just doesn't inspire fear and caution among the bad guys, so let's keep that bit quiet, shall we?

Like most guard work, the main enemy was boredom. Not much ever happens, so keeping awake can be a challenge. Every so often a motion detector will go off and we check it out to find a cat or a rat or some timer had switched on a heat source. In all the time I had been there not one, single person had tried to break in or do anything nefarious.

 

Things were quiet in our little office when at 3:20 AM Titus saw something - or rather didn't see something.

"Hey Paula."

"Yeah?"

"One of the cameras just quit."

"Did it give you two week's notice?"

"Not even two seconds. Just went all fuzzy."

"Which one?"

"Number 34, looking at the research lab way in the back. The place that everybody clams up about when you ask what they're doing."

"So write it up and we'll be sure to check back there next pass."

"I guess. Seems kinda funny, though."

"Hey - it's electronics. Stuff's always going haywire."

"How do you get hay in the wiring of a camera?"

"Plant hayseeds?"

"Wait a minute!"

"Fifty-nine, fifty eight, fifty…"

"Smartass. There's something moving out in the back. I can see moving shadows on camera 37."

"Not good. Someone may be trying to make us earn our pay tonight. Guess we better check right away and not wait for the next regular pass. Nobody's come in the front gate all night."

Following protocol, I picked up the phone (no radio in case the bad guys had a scanner) and informed our dispatcher of a possible intruder, requesting backup. You never know, this could be a distraction to get us away from where the bad guys were really trying to break in, so someone should be around to keep up the camera surveillance. Six minutes later the backup arrived, so Titus and I went off to see just who was out there while Jimmy manned the office. The complex is reasonably well lit, great when you are doing rounds but not so hot if you are trying to sneak up on an intruder.

Oh yeah, we are not armed guards, so you can stop thinking we were going to re-enact the shootout at the OK Corral or something. Some of those do-dads on our belts include pepper spray and handcuffs, but we hoped to resolve this whole thing peacefully.

Approaching carefully, I saw a guy who was fiddling with the door. Not likely, but it could have been the a tenant who forgot something, so I asked him just what he was doing. The poor bugger jumped 'bout half a mile and came down off balance, then fell down the stairs with a clatter and clang. That must have been the junk he had with him to do what could only be nefarious deeds. He was in no position to menace anyone lying there whimpering, so I holstered my can of pepper spray and again asked him what he was doing, but he was in no condition to answer.

Just then something big and dark jumped out of the shadows and took off like a jackrabbit. By big, I mean this dude could have given Paul Bunyan or Andre the Giant a run for his money; he looked to be at least seven feet tall; if he had fur he could have done stand-in work for the Sasquatch. Big or not, Titus took off after him with blood in his eye and caught up to the dude in the darkness just before the hole they had cut in the fence.

Titus hollered 'STOP' and the big guy turned around, grabbed Titus with one hand on his belt and the other on his uniform collar, then swung my unsuspecting partner around like he was going to toss the discus. Buttons popped on the uniform shirt and Titus went flying through the air while the shirt remained firmly in the grip of the big dude. Titus disappeared behind a dumpster and the big dude gave the cloth in his hands a look of disgust, threw it down and disappeared through the hole. I ran over to Titus; who was lying there on the asphalt looking dazed and wearing only a bra where his uniform shirt had been.

 
Paula
It's funny how white objects seem to fluoresce under the LED streetlamps they use around the warehouses. Standing there sweating in the warm summer night while listening to the other intruder moaning in the background, I could see the bright white bra around my partner Titus' chest like it was Day-Glo from my misspent youth. No black-light was needed, but there certainly was a surreal quality of the scene like that which had dominated so many parties when I was young and stupid.

He must have skidded when he landed, because his pants were somewhere around his thighs and he sure as heck wasn't going to any hip-hop bash. The pink lace of the panties stood out almost as clearly as the white bra.

"You OK, Titus?" I asked inanely.

"Uhhh…" came the reply, just about the same time as the police sirens sounded in the distance.

"Talk to me, buddy. You OK?"

"Uhhh… Oh shit!"

He must have been coherent as he finally noticed he was shirtless.

"I wouldn't recommend doing that right now or you'll mess up your pretty panties."

"Ouch!" came the answer. Not in response to my attempt at humor but because he tried to move his arm. It didn't look quite right, I figured he had dislocated the shoulder on landing.

"Don't try to move, Titus. I think you've dislocated your shoulder. It's going to hurt, but I'm going to try to get that bra off you before anyone else gets here. We want the perps spread all across the news and not the rent-a-cops."

Talk about your surreal experiences. Back in the day I had had several people help me remove my bra at those black-light parties, but this was the first time I had tried to remove a bra from a man. Doing so behind a dumpster by streetlight while hoping the cops took a while longer to get there just added to the fun and games. I finally unhooked the thing and managed to get over his shoulders. I quickly folded it up and stuck it in one of the many pockets my uniform came equipped with.

"I'll give it back, but I figure me having a bra in my pocket would be a whole hell of a lot easier to explain than you having a bra in your pocket. Hold tight and I'm going to try and sit you up."

The sirens were very close and started dying. The cops would be here any second. Clenching his teeth, I got Titus sitting. Grandmothers do a lot of hefting of grandchildren who don't remember they are no longer lightweight babies. Titus was a small man, but still…

"Catch your breath, buddy, and we try to get you on your feet. While they're really pretty sexy panties, let's not show them off. You're going to have to tell me where you got them when all the shouting's over."

"I… don't… believe… this!" he ground out between clenched teeth.

"Well, it ain't exactly covered in the company handbook, is it? You're my partner and that means we support one another. Kinda like a bra supporting boobs, if that analogy doesn't gross you out."

He made no reply, so I heaved and up he came; he had recovered enough to help a little or I probably couldn't have done it. Balancing him I gave a quick tug to his pants and he was no longer flashing his panties to the world.

"We need a little help over here!" I shouted in the direction of the flashlights approaching us. "There's a guy down over by the stairs that was trying to break into the building. I think he busted a leg and he won't be going anywhere."

Naturally, I didn't know any of the cops that night, so we got to repeat our stories over and over. They had a bit of trouble with having the Sasquatch tossing my partner about, but the torn shirt and dislocated shoulder did support our story, as did the hole cut into the chain link. Then our bosses arrived and we told the story again, and repeated it when the people who worked in the building arrived.

I had been right, the clanking and clattering as my guy rolled down the stairs was a set of burglar tools. Pretty sophisticated burglar tools, it seemed. These guys were no amateurs, even if they managed to miss the second camera.

By the time all the hoopla was over, Titus was looking pretty washed out. He obviously couldn't drive and needed medical attention, so off he went in an ambulance with me following in my Grannymobile, headed for the nearest ER. He tried to object, but that shoulder needed looking at pronto. It finally dawned on me that his problem was more with his underpants than his shoulder. How many times had his mother insisted he put on clean underwear because you never knew when you were going to end up in the hospital?

Sitting there waiting for a doctor in those awful plastic chairs, I said "Relax, Titus, Daughter number one is a nurse and the stories she's told about the strange things patients come in wearing would curl you hair. Pink panties on a man doesn't even make the top 100. Besides, it's your shoulder - not you ass - that needs looking at. Not that you don't have a nice ass, but I'm too old to get too excited about it."

"How the hell can you be so calm and cool about all this?" he asked in wonder.

"I'll explain some night when no dumb criminal is trying to break up our little all night tea party by breaking and entering. For now, just say I've lead a very strange life and not much gets me upset. A guy with a bra doesn't even make the top 500 in my book. Besides, you just might make a decent girl if you set your mind to it."

"I… I…"

"No time now, looks like they dug up a doctor. I'll give you a hand getting up. Try to keep the screaming low enough that they don't call the cops, we've seen enough of them so far tonight."

"It's morning, Paula."

"So it is. Up you go!"

He didn't scream too loudly, at least until they gave his arm a sharp yank and a squishy pop announced the shoulder was no longer dislocated. They rolled him away into some modern torture chamber to take pictures of the inside of his shoulder and pronounced him fit to go home. Then came the zinger: "Don't use that arm for anything for a few days, then be careful so you don't tear out anything until it's healed. At least it's your left arm, so that should help."

"I'm a lefty."

"Oh. Is there anyone who can help you for a few days until it starts to heal?"

"I live alone."

"That's a shame. Let me get you the contacts for some home care services before you go."

The nurse bustled off and Titus looked like he was about to collapse. It had been a long night and now this!

"Well partner, looks like we're going to get to know each other a bit better. I have a room suitable for grandchildren to visit and you're just about the age of my grandkids. You're welcome to stay until you can shift for yourself."

"Paula, you can't!"

"Why not? Living alone gets to be tedious after forty years of raising kids and household chaos. Want to be an adopted grandson?"

"You're crazy!"

"OK, how about an adopted granddaughter?"

"Paula!"

"Hey - far be it from me to discourage someone who wants to change sides and join the winning team."

"You make it sound like a baseball game!"

"I hope not. Baseball is downright boring. You ever think of taking up Ice Ballet or something like that? Those little short skirts can be pretty sexy."

"You're crazy!"

"Never denied it. You're welcome to stay until you can use the arm. Brian gave us both a few days off after last night, he's a good boss."

"Would it do me any good to say no?"

"Not in the slightest. I'm driving so you have to go where I take you."

"La-la land?"

"Over the rainbow, my friend. Just watch out for those bluebirds - they look cute but they shit on you from the trees."

Paula
"You look all in, Titus," I said as we entered my little apartment. You get the shower first and I'll rustle us up something to eat, then we can crash. I should have been in bed hours ago."

"Me too. Just point the way."

"Just follow me. If it were anyone else, I would apologize because I didn't have anything for you to wear to bed, but seeing as I've got this bra still in my pocket I take it you wouldn't be adverse to using my granddaughter's nightgown? She's a big girl so it ought to fit. All you have to do is figure how to get you arm in the sleeve."

"Paula, I feel like I've gone through the Looking Glass."

"Careful. If you shatter it we'd have to go back to the ER. They might wonder just how accident prone you are, and this time wouldn't be covered by worker's comp."

"Why are you doing all this? I mean, anyone else who found out I like to dress up has gone stark raving bonkers."

"I had a friend in college who liked to dress up, but he was one screwed up kid. I never understood why he did it, but he seemed harmless enough. I never knew what happened to him, but I always hoped he found peace somewhere. Right now you need help because of your shoulder, so why not help with your other problems? I take it they are problems from what you just said."

"You could say that. My folks still get all twitchy when I go home for a visit, no mater how I'm dressed. I want to live as my real self, but getting a job as Titia is a pipe dream. This guard job is all I could find, but it doesn't pay enough to let me think about changing anything drastic in my life. I can only dream."

"Well, we aren't going to solve anything in the next few minutes, so get showered and please don't fall down. It was hard enough getting you up by that dumpster. I don't really want to try it with you naked in the shower."

"Me either! I'll be careful."

"I'll put something on the counter for you while you're in the shower. Don't use up all the hot water - I'm next!"

 

Despite the stresses of the night and the best efforts of the painkillers the doctors provided, Titus had a restless night, as did I. I could hear his occasional groan as I drifted in and out of sleep. Those of us who work third shift know how hard it can be to sleep while the sun is shining. Windows become your enemy and there are times you long for a concrete cell deep under the ground where no light and - more importantly - no sounds from noisy neighbors can penetrate. Having an apartment on the top floor helps - at least there's nobody clomping around on your ceiling - but I miss my house. Hell, I miss my husband a whole lot more during restless times like these.

Just why had I invited a crossdressing kid with a busted up shoulder into my home? Granny is a sucker - I've overheard that line listening to my kids and my grandkids and I suppose they're right. Well, at least I now knew what was behind the reticence Titus had about his family and personal life. Had he been sporting a bra under his uniform all along? I suppose he had. Those uniforms are heavy cotton blend, meant to make the wearer look macho and powerful. Yeah, right - just the image Titus wanted to project - not! I've always thought my breasts rather spoiled the macho image the designers were trying to create, especially the way those snap-flap pockets tried and failed to conform to the swelling of my breasts. Never could keep a pocket protector full of pens and pencils in those blame pockets, anyway. Good thing note programs on cell phone have rendered pocket protectors obsolete.

In any case, I hadn't a clue as to what Titus was wearing under his uniform before last night. So now I knew, and the feeling was along the lines of 'that poor kid.' If he felt the need to wear a bra when he didn't actually need one then he must really be bewildered working a job that demands a tough guy image. I'm weird, so I get a laugh out of being a tough guy granny, but he's still a kid - although I bet he's had enough time to develop a hard shell if he's been wanting to be a girl long enough.

Eventually I drifted off into sleep and woke up just about the time the rest of the world was heading home to relax after a hard day at the office. Naturally, as an old lady with a dodgy bladder I immediately headed for the bathroom, but found the door closed. I hadn't thought of that when I offered Titus a bed for the night, had I? As these things usually go, being denied entry immediately caused my bladder to jump into hyper-drive and demand relief now! An unintelligible answer came through the door and I heard the toilet flush. The thought passed through my mind that at least a nightgown would fall of it's own power when he had finished his business, no trying to haul up pants with a screwed up arm. Score one for the girl's side.

The door opened and I got my first sight of Titus in a nightgown. I did a double take as he came out, with his hair all wet it almost disappeared compared to the curly bush he normally sported, quite a change! Or should that be she? Time for that later. With a hasty 'good morning' I took my place in the bathroom and relieved myself. Funny how we're conditioned to say 'good morning' upon waking even when it was late afternoon.

Having finished my business, I found Titus trying hard not to be embarrassed to be wearing my granddaughter's nightgown, but since his own clothes were torn and filthy there wasn't much choice of attire available. As a good host, I decided to remain in my nightgown as well; I didn't think an old woman in a rather utilitarian cotton nightdress would be too much for him to handle.

"How's the shoulder?"

"Better, but it still hurts."

"Not surprising. Did you get a look at that gorilla that sent you flying?"

"Christ! When he grabbed me his face was only inches from mine! Not that I'd need to see his face, that sucker was tall! I don't care to square dance with him again, he gets too darn enthusiastic about swinging his partner. I'd recognize him anywhere, preferably through a long distance spotting scope! I don't want to get near him again after what he did to me last night!"

"Spoken like a sane ma… uh, person - and not some muscle-bound action hero!"

"Funny - I've never aspired to be any kind of hero, action or otherwise. I guess I proved that last night."

"Bullshit, you took off after that clown like you were Captain America, or were you thinking maybe Wonder Woman?"

"I wasn't thinking. I just didn't want to the guy to get away. He was invading the place I was supposed to be guarding."

"Too bad you didn't have Wonder Woman's magic rope last night."

"Yeah, I wouldn't have had to get close enough for the bastard to grab me."

"Well, at least we got his partner."

"You got his partner. All I did was get flying lessons."

"Not me, Titus. The fool tripped himself up and fell down the stairs. I never even touched him."

"Go ahead, make me feel even worse, Granny!"

"Pure luck, partner. In all the years I've been guarding nothing like this has ever happened."

"Thanks for saving the exciting stuff for me."

"You're welcome. Sit yourself down and I'll rustle up some breakfast. Pancakes OK?"

"Whatever you have, I'll eat it. I don't want to be a fussy guest."

"That's great. We'll toss your clothes in the wash after breakfast so you don't have to sit around in a nightgown."

That was met by silence. After a moment I turned around and asked "Or would you rather stay in the nightgown?"

"Uh, I hate wearing that uniform."

"Even with a bra?"

"That helps, but I…"

"Curiouser and curiouser… Don't worry about it, just eat breakfast and we'll figure something out."

Now I was starting to feel like the one gone through the Looking Glass, darn Titus anyway for putting that image in my head. I suppose if he liked to dress up as a woman he must have spent a bit of time in front of a looking glass, wondering how he could go through it. The mundane chores of eating and cleaning and washing carried me through the next little while, and eventually the two of us just sat at the kitchen table and talked about this or that, steadfastly ignoring the elephant sitting on the kitchen table. When he was ready to tell me about it then I would listen. Maybe I might start to understand. I couldn't help harking back to my lost daughter Colleen - if I had listened harder could I have saved her?

Sure, my head knows that I couldn't, no more than I could have stopped Josh's heart from giving out. But my heart still wants to tell my head to stuff it - surely I could have done something!

Grandma to the rescue - been doing that all my life, even before I was a grandma. Before I was a mother, for pity sake. Why do I always have to come to the rescue?

Because I'm me, dammit!

Did I just adopt a new grandson who wants to be a girl? How do I talk to him about it? I haven't a clue if he even wants to talk about it any more than he had to when I saw his bra. I'm not sure…

Just then the front door opened and my granddaughter Paula came in with a cheery "Hey Mom - I saw you on the tube!"

I knew there were TV cameras in all the excitement last night, but I didn't really care with trying to keep Titus from being exposed and then taking care of the bozo who fell down the stairs. Good thing Titus got tossed behind the dumpster out of sight of the security cameras or he would have been well and truly exposed.

"How long was I on camera?" I asked. "I need to know so I can tell when my fifteen minutes of fame is used up."

"Not that long, the cops were hogging the screen, but I knew it was you right away. How did you capture the criminal? Oh, you have company!"

"This is my partner Titus, who can't use his arm after getting mugged by the one who got away. And I didn't capture the criminal, the fool fell down the stairs and busted his own leg."

"Cool! How come you're wearing my nightgown, Titus?"

"Because mine wouldn't fit, child," I replied. "I wasn't going to make him sleep in muddy clothes, you know."

"Makes sense, or at least as much sense as anything does around you, Mom."

"If she's your grandma," asked Titus, "why do you call her mom?"

"She raised me after my real mom died, so she gets promoted to Mom by default. Aunt Marie always says Mom takes in strays whenever a kitten or a kid ends up at her door. Coming home to find a guy wearing my spare nightgown just kinda goes along with how Mom does things."

"Don't confuse the poor man, Paula," I admonished.

"She doesn't need to, partner," answered Titus, "you've done a fine job without her."

"An innate ability, sort of my superpower. Wonder Woman would be proud of me, eh Titus?"

"If you say so. I take it that this is the fashionista you've told me about. "

"Damn good thing she manages one of those fancy-schmancy stores for young women who have more money than sense or she'd never pay off her college loans."

"Two more payments and I'm a free woman."

"As long as you don't buy any of those hundred dollar jeans you sell."

"Hey - how do you think they make enough money to pay me so I can pay off my loans?"

"However you do it, you look pretty good," commented Titus. "and I hope that doesn't come across as sexist."

"Since you're wearing my nightgown I suppose that brings you halfway to the better side of the gender gap. Thanks for the compliment."

"Speaking of clothes, Titus, your clothes should be dry by now. All we have to do is sew some buttons on the shirt and you can get dressed again."

"Buttons, Mom? You been getting into fights again?"

"Not me, a Sasquatch tore the shirt off the Amazing Flying Titus last night. Did that part make the TV?"

"Not that I saw. Details, I want details!"

So I embarrassed Titus by telling the story once again, then gathered up his clothes so he could change, even if he hated the uniform. There's something intimidating about a guy talking to a strange woman while wearing her nightgown.

"Wow! You guys had an exciting night. Is it OK to tell anyone about the excitement, or is it confidential?"

"Hell, it was all on TV, but you might not mention the part about the nightgown."

"Aww gee. You look pretty cute in my nightgown, Titus. You could change your name to Titia and hide out from the bad guys as a girl. That would make an even better story!"

"How the heck did you know the proper feminine form of my name?"

"Blame Mom. She's the one who insisted I get a Classical education along with my fashion studies. Name a god in half a dozen pantheons and I can give you a biography, and probably a commentary on their fashion sense."

"How about Hel?" Titus asked.

"Easy - Norse goddess of the underworld, which was a cold and dreary place. She was so ugly that Odin banished her to Hel, and that's spelled with one 'l'. Oh, and she had gangrenous legs. I rather doubt she went in for stockings or pantyhose."

"Some goddess, although pantyhose might have helped keep the dead skin from flaking off." I observed.

"Hey - I've dated worse," replied Titus.

"You must have - um - exotic taste in women."

"Honey, you don't know the half of it," I commented.

"Trying to play matchmaker, Granny-Mom?"

"He's my partner, not my responsibility. You want to go out with him then ask for yourself."

"I don't know if I want to date a guy who just spent the night with my mother."

"You two are nuts!" exclaimed Titus.

"Awww, you noticed!" replied Paula the younger.

"It's hereditary, partner. Don't get serious about her or your kids might be too much to handle."

"Paula!"

"Titus! I'm going to go get your shirt and restore the buttons. You two can decide if you want to go out on the town together while I'm gone."

Hmmm. Did I detect some attraction there? They could both do worse. I try not to admit it, but Paula is my favorite grandchild, whoever her father was he must have contributed some fine genes to have produced such a vivacious and intelligent young woman. Too bad we'll never know who he was.

Paula the elder
"Nice place you got here," I commented.

"It will do. You know how much we get paid for sitting around and watching TV all night."

"And knitting. Don't forget the knitting."

"At least I'll have a warm scarf by winter if I get tossed out of this place."

"Why would you leave?"

"Money, of course. Call it a recession or a depression or whatever you like, It's harder to keep the place without roommates than I thought. I think you'll understand why I don't want to have a roommate."

"I can guess. You're already sharing with Titia, if I remember the name rightly."

"You're quick on the uptake, partner."

"Just a trained observer of a security guard, partner. By the way, who's going to use my spare bedroom - Titus or Titia?"

"You're kidding!"

"About what? If you like wearing bras so much who am I to stop you? It's just us chickens for the next few days."

"Unless your daughter uses her key again."

"So what? She's already seen you in your nightgown."

"Her nightgown, I beg to remind you."

"And did she scream and call the cops?"

"No. Actually, she seemed amused."

"That girl grew up right, if I do say so myself. Kind of makes up for the mistakes I made with her mother. Colleen couldn't handle anything out of the ordinary, it just screwed her up and she paid the price for it. I'll tell you sometime, but not now. Seriously, If you want Titia to stay with me I don't mind."

"I don't know what to say."

"Try 'yes' or 'no'. We haven't got time to mess around with maybe. Look, I'll even hook your bra for you until you can do it for yourself. After all, I unhooked it last night."

"Are you sure you're for real? I think I just fell down a rabbit hole or something when I got clobbered last night. This has to be a truly fantastical dream."

"Take a look at that uniform you're wearing. If it's all a dream where did that grease on the pants come from. For that matter, those new buttons on the shirt don't match the official ones. It's as real as it gets. By the way, did you and Paula decide to go on a date together?"

"Jesus! For an old lady your mind jumps like the rabbit that dug the hole I've fallen into."

"Don't change the subject. You taking her out?"

"Do I have any choice? The two of you are overwhelming."

"Score one for Granny The Matchmaker! Just call me Yente."

"Yente?"

"What do they teach kids these days? Haven't you ever seen Fiddler On The Roof?"

"When I was a kid."

"And you're not a kid now?"

"Well, I did get hired as your partner."

"Depends on your point of view, I suppose. At my age anyone under thirty is still a kid. Anyway, she was the matchmaker for the village in the movie. Not a very good matchmaker, but she tried."

"So do you."

"Darn right! Oh, before I forget, here's your bra." I dug it out of my purse and handed it to Titus. "I suppose you have something besides this training model for Titia to wear?"

"You're a nosey old woman, partner."

"And you didn't answer the question."

"Yes, I do."

"Then go pack it up and whatever else Titia needs for the next few days and let's get going. Maybe you should change here so you don't have to wear that uniform."

"Alright, you nosey old lady, give me half an hour to get ready. Oh crap! That won't work with this busted wing."

"I told you I'd help. I birthed three kids, so you haven't got anything I haven't seen before. Well, I have to admit I've never seen whatever you use to fill your bras, but pick out an outfit and put on some panties, then I'll help you finish and do your hair and makeup. Better choose some flats, you don't want to bust up the other arm if you fall."

"You're just so positive I could scream."

"You going to get dressed or stand here arguing?"

 

"I'm ready, partner."

"Not bad, this might work."

"It does work, and quite well. I've been Titia whenever Titus isn't required for quite a few years now. Almost never have to worry about being read these days, Titia is the real part of me."

"You go out all by your lonesome?"

"Mostly. I do go to some crossdressing groups on occasion, but mostly I go out by myself - and as myself. I guess you can figure out why I don't have a girlfriend."

"Like you said, I'm quick on the uptake. Hold your arm out while I slip this on."

"Ouch!"

"Sorry."

"Not you, me. Just moving the arm hurts."

"I bet. There, one side on, now the other arm."

"That one's no problem. I feel like a kid with Mommy dressing me."

"Just think of yourself as one more daughter. I've had lots of practice. I'm surprised, I would have thought you'd go in for frilly bras."

"I do, but I have to have the forms glued on to use them. I can't believe I'm telling you what kind of bra I prefer."

"See, girl talk already. So what do you do next?"

"The boxes on the dresser. Those are my forms."

"Can you do it yourself?"

"I think so, one at a time."

"I hate to say this, but those things remind me of a cheesy horror movie where some nutcase starts slicing off body parts."

"Just the image to help me feel more feminine. Thanks, partner!"

"Think nothing of it. They really do look natural, don't they?"

"I hope so. It took a long time to save up for a good pair."

"Sure beats stuffing a bra with tissues like I did when I was a kid."

"Did you really do that?"

"You bet your ass!"

"I could use a little more ass before I start betting on it."

"You must be a woman, never satisfied with your body."

"I got a bit shortchanged in some strategic spots."

"Well, if they make fake breasts then someone's got to have invented fake asses."

"Of course, but I only use them if I want to go out somewhere fancy. I look more feminine but I feel like Charlie Brown stuffed into his winter coat when I do."

"Beauty always did come at a price."

"It's taken me several years just for the electrolysis, but at least I don't have to shave my face any more."

"Which accounts for your baby face. You're answering all kinds of questions I was too polite to ask."

"You'd be surprised at how many people aren't that polite."

"I wouldn't bet on it. Remember I had a daughter that killed herself with drugs - people will ask any damn fool thing that crosses their minds, believe me."

"I think my father would rather I had overdosed and died rather than have me live as my real self. Someday I'm going to be able to do that full time, but that takes more money than I have."

"Doesn't anything worth doing? Why do you think this great-grandma went back to work?"

"You mean you aren't wandering around in dark alleys all night for the fun of it?"

"As if! You certainly have good taste in clothes."

"I think if I step into this dress I can get my arm in it without moving it too much."

"Put your feet in it and I'll pull it up."

"Let's try it. A little more to the left… My arm's in, slide it up a bit… now the other arm… wait, it's caught… there, now the rest of the way."

"It worked. Let me zip you up. Josh was always good for dress zipping. I don't dress up so much now that he's gone."

"I'm so sorry. He must have been something special."

"He was, he was…"

"Thank you, Paula. I never expected you to do something like this."

"I have a pretty big bump of curiosity, girl. Doesn't seem right to call you 'partner' right now."

"Not exactly a guard uniform, is it?"

"Socks and sneakers with a dress?"

"Not really high fashion, but I don't think I could cope with pantyhose right now. Velcro is your friend when you have a dislocated shoulder. Can we put the sling back on now, it's really starting to ache?"

"The latest in fashion accessories for the modern woman, and paid for by worker's comp. What more can a girl ask?"

"Makeup. Unlike you real girls, I have to have some makeup on my face to help with the illusion."

"Is it really an illusion, Titia?"

"Inside me, no. But until I save a bucketful of money an illusion it shall remain. The company medical plan is just barely adequate for bandages and some generic pills; sex change operations are not on the approved list."

"I just hope I don't get sick before I'm old enough for medicare."

"Unless some goddam politician steals the money before you get there."

"You got that right, but let's not talk politics. Right now you don't really need any blusher. Does your face always get red like that when you get excited?"

"Yeah, and believe me it was bad growing up when all anyone had to do was rag on me to get me to turn red. It took a long time to learn to ignore them. You get to be real good at hiding yourself, sometimes even from yourself."

"I'm glad you aren't hiding from me. Even your voice changes when you let your real self out."

"Thanks, it's taken a lot of work."

"Speaking of work, let's get that makeup on and we can go out for a bite before we go home. I just hope I don't get confused working without a mirror."

"Home? It's been a long time since I could really call any place home."

"My daughters are always welcome in my home, and you just got adopted. Sit and let me make you a painted lady."

 

I was, shall we say, bemused by the time we left the diner at almost midnight. You'd think that after having 'spent the night' with Titus for several months I'd know him pretty well. (C'mon people - I'm old enough to be his grandmother and besides - there are no beds in the security office!) I guess I did know Titus pretty well as a work mate, but the person sitting across the table from me most certainly wasn't Titus, a shy young man eking out a living as a security guard. She was Titia and, despite the odd name, she soon became a relaxed and happy young woman who had just found a new friend. The difference was remarkable.

There's a camaraderie that develops between those of us who live our lives inverted from the rest of the world. We are odd ducks and know it, maybe we're even a bit proud of it. Killing time between watch rounds Titus and I had discussed many things - politics, religion, children and grandchildren (OK that was mostly my part of the conversation), sports, the latest news, you name it. What we hadn't touched on much was his background. I knew he was estranged from his family, but that's about it. Now I knew why.

I realized that over all those months I was only talking to a shadow grafted on to her real personality. The young woman across the table, clearly frustrated at having to use the wrong hand to feed herself, was vivid and alive despite her frustrations. As two women we made a connection quite impossible before, the conflicted man was gone and the suppressed woman was almost gleeful to expand into the world outside her apartment with someone to talk to.

In the years since Titus had left home (actually, she may have been thrown out, she wasn't all that clear about it) Titia had slowly become more than a yearning in Titus' mind. Despite the need for frugality, Titia found a wardrobe in the thrift shops. Once she could appear outwardly as the woman she felt inside, it was only a matter of time before the closet door, and the one to the apartment, were flung open and Titia eased into the world. But even as Titia became comfortable cruising the shops or watching a movie, she kept aloof from the rest of humanity. There was always that fear that someone would only see that sham of manhood and not the reality of femininity, then start screaming and heap humiliation on her curly red head.

There were a few safe places; she had attended the local Science Fiction convention several times. Women there were still the oddballs among that larger group of oddballs, but the people there were accepting, if a little crazy. Libraries were another safe space, and being able to curl up with a book in public was a treat she allowed herself every so often. Once Titia was able to move freely and anonymously in the larger world, the stress of her dual life fell away, yet she never was able to form a bond with anyone for fear of being caught out. It was a lonely life.

Then the Sasquatch had torn the veil from her true self in front of my very eyes and circumstances had granted me the privilege of being Titia's first friend. I suspected the intervention of Mr Murphy once again, but this time he seemed to be bent on doing some good.

We had been occupying the booth in the diner long after we had finished eating, so we eventually headed back to my place, where we settled down with our knitting and just nattered away the time until the sun rose. A hen session with Titia was subtly different than a bull session with Titus, but we still enjoyed each other's company.

When the sun finally showed itself and our yawns became more frequent, we adjourned to our bedrooms to sleep the sleep of the just. I offered to help her undress, but Titia told me she usually slept wearing a bra so that she could have her breasts, however artificial they were. Now I knew she was nuts, but it's her life to live. I simply unzipped the back zipper of her dress and bid her good night.

Paula the elder
I woke up to the smell of coffee brewing. Now that's something that doesn't happen every day when you live alone. I stumbled into the kitchen to find Titia fully dressed in a cute yellow top and a lively print skirt. The green alligator slippers weren't quite what fashion demanded, but I figured her arm wasn't up to putting on socks and footwear quite yet. Ditto for makeup. That works fine for me, but we could take care of that after we ate.

"Coffee! Why is it that coffee in the morning smells so good, even if it isn't morning," I cried.

"It's morning for us, partner."

"I could get used to this. Thanks"

"I figured I ought to do something to earn my keep. You've been very generous.

"Tell you what - when we go back you could arrange to break a leg or something so you can keep me in the style to which I want to be accustomed."

"Friendship only goes so far. You could hire me as a maid. I've always wanted to wear one of those frilly outfits."

"In your dreams, girl. You aren't the only one that has to make a paycheck stretch."

"Ain't it the truth!"

"How's the arm?"

"Much better, but it still sneaks up on me if I move without thinking."

"Good thing we got the weekend off. You should be better by Monday."

"Then back to the old grind. I just hope that those bozos don't come back."

"One of them is still safely behind bars. I wonder just what the wanted. I don't know much about the people in that building. Some kind of research, but what I don't know."

"Industrial espionage?"

"Could be. Maybe international spies or saboteurs. Something exciting!"

"I've had enough excitement to last a good, long time, partner."

"I guess I have, too, but finding out my partner makes a cuter girl than I ever was isn't too shabby, either."

"Don't knock yourself. If I were a couple of decades older…"

"And not a cute girl - I'm only into guys."

"You ever think of dating again?"

"I don't know. After having Josh it's hard to think of being with anyone else. Still, having you here has made me realize I've been lonely for quite a while."

"Sorry."

"Not something to be sorry about, Titia. Getting to know the real you is quite an adventure. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with Titus on Monday night."

"Neither am I, but I'm not quite ready to go full time."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Yeah. I need to live a full year as Titia before the docs will consider surgery. Not that I can afford the doctors, let alone the surgery. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer like my father. Right! When I think of lawyer - a lady lawyer - I think of tall, slim and elegant. Hair pulled back tight into a bun, skirted power suit, pacing before a jury waving her polished nails to emphasize her words.

"Then I think of carrot-top me, looking like Little Orphan Annie and figure my client would get life for spitting on the sidewalk. I don't want to be a lawyer, but I wish I had a lawyer's money so I could really be me."

"If wishes were horses… Why not just say 'screw it' and make the change. You certainly look the part."

"Maybe nine out of ten transgendered people get fired when they transition. I still want to keep eating."

"Good point. The company officially supports such things, at least according to the handbook, but we both know that official policy and reality are not always the same."

"And you need an OK from a shrink to make it official. I don't have a shrink, can't afford one, so I just muddle along. I decided that I really don't need one since I never felt all that guilty about who I am. "

"Food's ready, we can solve the world's problems with a full stomach. Dig in!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

 

With the food in its proper place, like my stomach, I figured I should really get dressed myself, but I did Titia's face and hair for her before I put on something that I could wreck if I was sloppy. It really was harder to do makeup on someone else after years of only working on my own face.

I had this urge to go out and do something, mostly because the only time I didn't laze around in my nightclothes until it's time to go to work was when I went out. Having a houseguest served to inspire me to make an effort. Hell, I was so inspired I actually put on a skirt. Sometimes I shock myself.

While I was still changing I heard a commotion in the living room, so I quickly buttoned up my blouse to investigate. Someday my daughter-cum-granddaughter is going to learn to knock first instead of just letting herself in. Now it was her turn to be shocked.

"So the bad penny returns, eh Paula?" I taunted my granddaughter.

"You weren't on the tube last night so I figured I had to check up on you."

"Well, don't just stand there. Since you're here, plunk yourself down and set a spell."

"I guess wearing my nightgown must have started something. You're looking very feminine today, Titus."

"Titia. I thought you had figured out the name already."

"It's not that… It's…"

"It's that Titia has stopped lying to the world about who she really is," I interrupted.

"Oh."

"I do take some getting used to, Paula," offered Titia. "Your grandmother caught on right quick and has been magnificent."

"Magnificent? You're going to give me a swelled head."

"Beats a swelled shoulder every time." Titia replied.

"I figured things were too quiet around here so I found you a step-sister."

"Oh boy, sis, you're in for it now! Next thing you know she's going to have you knitting mittens."

"Too late, she taught me months ago. Fills the time between watch rounds."

"You don't go into work…"

"Like this? Not yet, but someday…"

"Ought to be fun when she gets up the nerve, eh Titia?"

"Fun for who? Too damn many people have made fun of me over the years."

"Sorry, that wasn't very tactful, was it?"

"Even the good guys can screw up, Paula. I can't thank you enough for the way you've treated me. I was sure you'd toss me out when you found out."

"That Sasquatch had done enough tossing, you didn't need any more!"

"I think I may have dated that guy," commented Paula the younger.

"You'd need more padding than even I'm comfortable with if you want to dance with the dude," Titia warned.

"Well, cousin Vicki and I are going out dancing tomorrow, I'll be on the lookout."

"And just where will you be going tomorrow, young lady?" I queried in the voice of doom.

"Down to the dock where we're going to pick up a couple of sailors and maybe a Marine, get our asses tattooed and then go get shitfaced drunk."

"Getting shitfaced drunk is usually the first order of business in that sort of plan," quipped Titia.

"And how would you know?" asked Paula the younger.

"I was the sailor. Believe me if I had the chance you would have had one hell of a tattoo on your ass before the night was through."

"You were a sailor? What did they call the girl sailors? WAVES?"

"Sorry, I knew I was girl but nobody else did. I joined up right out of high school to try and prove to myself I was a man despite my misgivings."

"Why the Navy. I thought it was the army that made men?"

"My dad was Navy. It was one of the few times I did something he approved of."

"Didn't work, I take it."

"Actually, I spent my hitch being a secretary. Believe me, I got damn sick of being told it was women's work. You got any idea how frustrating it was to be told you were doing women's work when you wanted to be a woman and couldn't let anybody know?"

"I could guess."

"Then the boss wanted to get me a security clearance and things almost went to hell. No way a background check would have missed my gender issues. Half my high school thought I was gay and the other half just thought I was a wimp. Don't ask, don't tell was a miserable failure. I took a chance and told and he stopped asking."

"I'm surprised it didn't drive you to drink, especially in the service."

"There were a few monumental drunks, but I was always afraid I would say the wrong thing and somebody would find out. I didn't want to be in the Navy, but I didn't want to be kicked out, either. By the time I got out I knew damned well I wasn't a man. Trouble is, nobody believed me."

"Not even a shrink?"

"What shrink? My dad thought shrinks were assholes who just kept taking your money. Any sailor that dared to ask for mental help was dead in the water. Macho, baby, macho!"

"That's terrible!"

"Biggest mistake of my life up till then. So when I got out I discovered the Internet and sort of found out how to at least look like the woman I want to be. I've gotten pretty good, these days I live as Titia unless I'm at work."

"In that case, wanna come along with us? We could use some guidance as to which is the sleaziest bar on the waterfront."

"We'd have to go to Newport for that. You do realize we're landlocked and don't have a waterfront?"

"We have a river. Will that do?"

"Drunken sailors are not often found paddling canoes, and the nearest Marine base is a couple of hundred miles away."

"See, I know you could give us some good advice. If you're my new sister then you could get to meet your cousin Vicki."

"Your family doesn't do anything by halves, do they partner?"

"I've tried to explain integers to her, but it was pointless," I deadpanned.

"Math jokes don't work for me." Paula the younger replied.

"Is that because you have trouble differentiating them or that they're not an integral part of your life?" smirked Titia.

"No, they just don't add up."

"Enough!" I cried

"Seriously - you game to go out with us tomorrow?"

"I wouldn't want to poop on your party, but Titia doesn't drink. That could still get me into more trouble than I want to think about."

"Relax, I don't drink either. My genetic mom was a drunk and a junkie, I don't want to follow her," my virtuous granddaughter said.

"Oh."

"No problem. Grandma-Mom is great company, but a girl needs to get out and have some fun."

"I haven't got anything to wear!"

"If I ever had any doubts you were a woman, Titia," I said, "you just ground them into the dirt and spit on them."

"Hey! That's not very ladylike."

"So sue me!"

"If you fit into my nightgown, then you ought to be able to fit into some of my stuff. Vicki and I will find you something to wear. Think slinky, sis."

"You OK with this, partner?"

"Far be it from me to keep a good girl down. Have fun."

"Oh, we will. You can bet your ass on it," my smartass granddaughter told me. Yeah, there was an attraction there. Life can certainly get interesting, can't it?

"I'll have to stop by my place for some things, shoes and underwear. Black heels OK with what you have in mind?"

"The taller the better!"

[Sorry for posting the wrong text - here's the right chapter]

Paula the Elder
"I can't do this! whined my houseguest.

"Then sit home and tend to your knitting. Your arm looks a lot better tonight."

"I'm not going to be playing basketball any time soon, but I did feed myself at lunch."

"That's progress. Just don't try to tango tonight."

"I'm not sure I want to try to dance at all."

"Then why did you let that fast-talking granddaughter of mine make you say yes?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time?"

"Pull the other one. There's a woman in there just dying to have a man whirl her across the dance floor. Go on and admit it."

"Why is it when I most want to feel like a woman the man in me sticks his big oar in?"

"I suppose it depends on just how big his oar is."

"Paula!"

"Titia! I haven't sung Row, row, row your boat since Josh died. A girl can dream."

"Not this girl, not for a long time yet. I wouldn't want to get a reputation as an 'oar."

"Do you like getting paddled?"

"Never tried it. Is it any fun?"

"Couldn't tell you, Josh didn't swing that way."

"I don't think I would either. Actually, I'm still technically a virgin."

"Get out!"

"My one time in a whorehouse was a miserable failure. I got dragged there by my Navy buddies even though I didn't want to go. Had to keep up appearances. I just couldn't get my head around sex as a man when I wanted to be a woman. She was kind enough not to let my buddies know what happened. She even gave me a wink and invited me back any time."

"The proverbial whore with a heart of gold."

"Or maybe a love of gold. I made sure I paid her very well."

"At least I know you'll be safe to go out with my granddaughter."

"I wouldn't go that far - I'm still attracted to women even if I want to be one. She's pretty cute, you know, but I'll behave."

No doubt the attraction is mutual, I thought to myself.

"The lady is a gentleman. How did we get to be two old maids talking about sex?"

"You'll never be old, Paula."

"Bullshit! The only way to avoid getting old is to kick the bucket."

"Metaphorically. Psychologically. Whatever."

"Yeah, that whatever covers a lot of territory. Get used to it, young woman, I can assure you that you're going to be discussing the finer points of the male anatomy quite extensively tonight. It's called 'girl talk'."

 

"You ready to party, pseudo-sister?"

"Not really."

"Such enthusiasm! You're turning into an old lady hanging around with granny. You need a youthful outlook and I'm just the girl to supply it."

"Is she always like this, Paula?"

"Never found a way to turn it off. All I can hope for is to channel it into someplace where the damage is minimal."

"Mom, you're sounding like granny again. I know you were quite the hottie back when, I've been talking to Aunt Marie."

"That girl never could keep her mouth shut."

"Uncle Kevin had some stories, too."

"Betrayed by my own siblings! What is this world coming to?"

"It's coming to party! C'mon Titia, we got to get you ready. You wouldn't want me to be more glamorous than you, would you?"

"Heaven forbid! More like Heaven help us, if you think you can do it."

"I've got the perfect outfit for you. The guys are going to be dropping at your feet, sis."

"That isn't the most reassuring thing I've ever heard."

"We're going to go for Ice Queen. The perfect woman to slay the hearts of men but remain untouchable in her frigid beauty."

"You're going to turn me into Elsa? My hair isn't long enough for that braid she wears."

"Not that ice queen, more like the Evil Black Queen from Snow White. Y'know, tall slim, long black dress, haughty as all hell. The guys get obnoxious just offer them a bite of your apple."

"Tall? I'm 5'6" if you hadn't noticed. And I have curly red hair. You don't ask much, do you?"

"If you could fake people into believing you were a guy then this should be child's play. Or considering the movies, dwarf's play. You'll have all those little men begging for a dance with you."

"Just what I need with a dislocated shoulder."

"Then just let 'em beg and remain aloof and unapproachable. I'll volunteer to take care of the excess. No problem at all!"

"Would your mother approve of such scheming?"

"Hey - she's grown up and on her own. I only pick up the pieces when she goes overboard."

"Yeah, like going down to the docks and picking up sailors."

"Go! Get out of here and let an old woman spend an evening in peace!"

"Bye Mom. Don't worry if she doesn't get home, she can sleep on my couch if we hit gold."

 

Titia
"Come on in," my new sister invited.

"Nice place." That ought to be safe enough.

"It's small but it's all mine. Someday I'll be rich and famous and have the penthouse, but for now I'm just glad I don't have to have roommates to afford the place."

"I know what you mean. No privacy."

"I guess for you that would be a real problem."

"Yeah. A few days ago nobody but my own family knew about Titia, and they weren't exactly fans. Now I have a grandma and a sister and, the way you guys go at things, I'll probably have uncles, aunts, cousins, nieces, nephews and who knows what else claiming me as Titia."

"Instant family! Just add water and let stand overnight. Amazing results guaranteed or your money back."

"Kind of like that stuff I grew on a lump of coal when I was a kid."

"You did that, too?"

"Sure. Didn't every kid?"

"I don't know but my brother went and touched mine and it disintegrated."

"Brothers are like that."

"You have any?"

"Two of them. We weren't close even before I came out."

"How can people be so mean?"

"A whole lot of them find it all too easy."

"Well, now you have some friends to share Titia with. I take it you haven't been too public about her."

"Sort of. I'm Titia from the time I get home on my days off until I have to go into work. I've been out and about for a couple of years now and seldom get clocked. It does make it hard to have friends, though."

"What a way to live! Seriously though, if Mom thinks you're OK then that's good enough for me. You're my sister from now on and you don't have to be alone any more."

"You're going to make me cry."

"Get it out now, sis. Femme fatales don't cry, you know. Then it's Ice Queen all the way."

"Easy for you to say."

"Let me show you your dress."

Sniff "OK."

 

"Hot damn!"

"You betcha. I got that for a very special night last year, hoping to seduce a certain guy. It got quite a reaction."

"I'll bet. I love the silver threads. Sexy as hell. Did it work?"

"He couldn't wait to get it off me, but I made him wait. I took my time taking off his clothes and he came before I could finish."

"Should you be telling me this?"

"He's history, so who cares. Actually, once he recovered he took his time and I was sore but satisfied by morning."

"You do realize that stories like this could ruin the lines of my dress if you keep on about it."

"Nice to know I still have the knack. Who knows, it might be fun to get my sister in bed."

"Cut that out!"

"Sorry, it's just so easy. I've never had to worry about being a cockteaser with a girlfriend before."

"Just keep that girl friend part in mind, please."

"Is this the right time to tell you you need to take off your clothes so you can put your dress on?"

"Um, it could be embarrassing right now."

"Think sister. I'll be good. Do I need to leave the room?"

"I'm not sure I could get into that thing by myself with this screwed up shoulder. Try to control yourself."

"OK, sis. Take it off, take it all off!"

"You're not helping!"

"Good grief! Is that an actual girdle?"

"God didn't give me hips, so I had to find another way. Just thinking slinky doesn't help, I need foundation garments."

"Mom told me that when she was a kid all the girls had to wear girdles to be proper. She says they were banned by the Geneva Convention as instruments of torture."

"No way I'm bound by convention. I kind of like them, but I need a lot of help to look like a sexy woman. They do get uncomfortable after too long, though."

"It does give you the right shape for the dress, though."

"That's the idea, sis."

"Is it too much to ask how you fill your bra?"

"No secrets between just right now, are there? Silicon forms that glue on so they stay in place for days. I do have to take them off every so often when I have more than a few days in a row as Titia, but I wear them all weekend."

"We do have a problem, though."

"Oh?"

"That's a rather - uh - substantial bra you're wearing. It just won't work with that dress."

"I need a substantial bra most of the time so they won't come loose when I'm not glued together. I figured that something like this might happen so I did bring another bra."

"Good for you! Ooh, frilly! That's going to have every man in the place staring at your breasts trying to trace the curlicues on your bra."

"Somehow that makes me a bit nervous, but let's go for all the traffic will bear. You're going to have to help me because I still can't unhook my bra by myself with this busted wing."

"Sure thing, sis…. They look funny without your bra, just hanging there."

"Someday I'll have my own, but for now please help me get some support for them, sister."

"Hold out your arms. There, that feel right?"

"Is my left strap twisted?"

"Yup. There, it's fixed."

"Thanks. Stockings?"

"If the guys get turned on by the curlicues on your bra, just wait until they see the stockings."

"I'll need help again. Damn this lousy shoulder!"

"Wow, a man asking for help. Just proves you're really a woman."

"I'm trying."

"You know, I never realized how sexy it could be to roll stockings over another woman's legs."

"Pretty sexy from this end, too."

"Did Mom tell you that I'm bi?"

"The subject never came up."

"Unlike some other things I see."

"You move your hand any higher and I'll not be responsible for the results."

"I'm getting turned on, sis."

"So am I. Would your mother approve?"

"She's not here. Ooh, that looks inviting."

"Uh…"

"Oh look. There's a zipper in your girdle. Relax, sis. This is going to be fun."

 

"Want to help unhook my bra, sis?"

"Do we have time?"

"I need to get changed, too."

"I don't want to leave you unsatisfied."

"That can wait until we get home. When I get horny it doesn't ruin my figure."

"I wasn't horny when I got here. I was scared."

"I have to admit it was the oddest seduction I've ever pulled off."

"So you had this all planned?"

"Not really. Took me by surprise but it was such a nice surprise. Like my sexy bra?"

"Not bad, not bad at all."

"You won't be jealous if I show some cleavage? Well, lots of cleavage."

"Jealous but appreciative. If you keep the guys' attention on you I won't feel so exposed."

"I'll be glad to share 'em with you."

"Unless you intend to go to a lesbian hangout it won't do me much good. I still like girls."

"Obviously. I'll have to ask the other girls if they're interested."

"Do you ever take anything seriously?"

"Not when it's party time. Let's go trolling, sis."

 

Much to my relief, we started the evening at a small jazz club, where you could actually hold a conversation without shouting. There were seven of us, and I struggled to keep Chloe, Raina, Shelly, Jackie and Vicki sorted in my mind. The mood was mellow and so was I, Paula having unexpectedly and delightfully drained much of my tension away.

We drew appreciative glances as we pushed two tables together and took our seats in the club, but with such a large group it took some time before anyone worked up the nerve to approach us. As the trio on stage swung into a waltz a tall, suave gentleman of obvious Italian extraction approached Raina and asked if she would like to dance. She would and they did, gliding gracefully around the small dance floor.

The next appeared to be twin brothers, who cut out Chloe and Shelly. They didn't have the moves like Raina's Italian charmer, but they weren't bruising anyone's toes either.

"My dear, would you care to join me on the floor?"

How had he snuck up on me? I guess my attention was on tall, dark and handsome as he led Raina sensuously around.

"Uh, I…"

"Go for it, sis!" hissed Paula in my ear.

"I'm not much of a dancer," I replied.

"Nor am I, but such a charming woman does not deserve to stay seated while the music is playing."

"You have to promise to be gentle. I dislocated my shoulder and I still can't move it too much."

"Such a shame. I promise to be very careful. If it hurts we can stop any time."

He was good. After Paula's elbow tried to dig a hole in my ribs I consented, trying my best to do Ice Queen as he took my hand. My, it was warm and soft…

Nervously, I tried to remember the waltz lessons I had suffered through in preparation for my high school prom. By the time of the prom I knew that I was not and never had been a boy. I was a girl inside, confused and scared and desperate not to become a target by admitting it. I felt like a complete phony taking another girl to the prom, but you do what everybody expects if you want to remain hidden.

My mother tried her best to teach me to waltz, I rather suspect hoping that she could push her son more toward the masculine side of relationships. She was a great movie fan, and I think her image was of some Austrian Prince, tall and handsome, wearing a high-collared uniform of pure white with golden trim, graciously leading the princess at the Royal Ball. Me, I dreamed of being the princess, even if I were more attracted to my ladies-in-waiting.

Left foot forward… right foot to the side… left foot to the right foot…

Wait a minute, I'm not leading so I have to do it backwards. In these crazy high heels. I'm going to end up on my padded ass.

Damn! His hand is warm on the small of my back! Feels nice, all tingly. Maybe dancing with a guy won't be all that bad…

"Ouch!"

"Sorry"

"Not your fault. The shoulder is still tender."

"My apologies. I will try harder to be gentle."

"Mmmm. Thank you."

Left foot… right foot… It's getting easier. I could get to enjoy this. Hell, I am enjoying it. I wonder if he likes my perfume? Left foot… right foot… This guy is a great dancer. I wonder what his name is?

"Thank you for the dance, my lovely."

Lovely? He thinks I'm lovely?

"My pleasure. I'm Titia."

"Ricardo. Perhaps you could sit down and I might be able to help with your shoulder. I have some small skill with massage."

Paula's eyes beamed a message telling me not to be stupid and sit my ass down, so I did. The material of my slinky dress was thin enough that it was almost like being naked when his hands caressed my shoulder. Oh my god, he's good! I'm going to embarrass myself if I start moaning!

"Ooohhh…"

Stop that, people will start looking at you!

"Aaaahhh…"

Who gives a damn if anyone is looking? My shoulder hadn't felt this good since Sasquatch tossed me into the trash bin. His marvelous hands followed the line of my bra strap lower and lower. I was having trouble trying to not become a puddle on the floor when he worked his way up to my right shoulder and did his magic there. I had no idea how tense it had become in compensation to the painful left side.

"I hope that has helped, lovely lady."

"Do you hire out by the hour? By the day?"

He laughed. My profession is somewhat different. Massage is a skill I reserve for my friends, and I hope that we can become friends."

Somewhere deep down in my brain an alarm bell began ringing. I wanted to ignore it but countless stories had reinforced the caution a transgendered woman needs to use in situations like this.

"Sadly I fly home to California in the morning," I lied. "This is something of a farewell party and you've made it memorable."

Paula's smile told me I had hit just the right excuse.

"Such a pity. Perhaps one more dance when the next waltz comes up? I doubt you would be up to anything more energetic with your wounded wing."

"I'd be honored."

"In that case, can I cut in?" inquired Shelly.

"Of course," was his suave reply and off they went to the dance floor.

"You're a fast worker, hon." Vicki commented.

"Nah, I like 'em slow and thorough," I replied.

"That boy has the magic touch if all your moaning is any indication." Jackie observed.

"Give him a try, ladies. I'm not available so he's all yours.

"He has rather large hands, you know what that means…"

"A good grip for giving a massage?" I asked, all wide-eyed innocence.

"Depends on what he's massaging… and what he's massaging it with."

"What kind of lube do you think he uses?"

"Just be sure it doesn't get on your skirt. Wouldn't want stains."

"So you recommend naked massage, do you?"

"Those massage tables can be adjusted, right?"

"I guess…"

"Then if he adjusts it to just the right height then you can lay back and let him massage between your legs."

"Ladies, we're getting a bit coarse here."

"Not if he has the right lube, it just slips right in."

"Shelly! I think you better go home and see if Walt is up to a massage before you get into trouble."

"They're coming back, we all better shut up or we'll scare him off."

 

"How many more bars do you want to crawl, girls?" asked Vicki. I have to get home and be a mother again."

"I'm running out of steam myself," I added. "This bum arm is starting to be annoying."

"Poor girl, too much hoisting of glasses for you?"

"It only takes raising one finger to answer that, and it won't hurt a bit."

"Says the girl who lives on diet cola. No fun at all."

"Hey! I had at least one diet Seven-Up. Don't want to overdo the caffeine."

"Such virtue should be rewarded, but we left the dude with the magic hands at the first bar."

"It wasn't his hands that I wanted him to wave at me."

"Well, raising one finger comes close to raising something far more interesting. Any volunteers?"

"Chloe, you're drunk. Shut the hell up."

"Why should I? I wanted to get drunk, that's why I'm here. The evening has been a shus… sucks… Rewarding! Very rewarding!"

"Single women have all the luck," moaned Shelly. "I gotta go home, too. We have to do this again sometime, girls."

"Sounds fine with me. Now we got two designated drivers with Titia, so we can get twice as drunk!"

"You puke in my car, Chloe, and you'll walk home."

"Already puked when I powdered my nose."

"Damn! A thoughtful drunk. See you later, ladies."

 

"You know, I almost wish I could get drunk like Chloe did," I mused when we got to Paula's place.

"Whatever for? She can get positively disgusting sometimes."

"Probably, but if I was drunk I could forget how confused I am tonight."

"Drinking to forget doesn't work so well, Titia."

"I know, I know. But tonight with this dress and the stockings and heels I felt so damn girly I just knew that I was meant to be a woman."

"Right on!"

"Then you went and reminded me that I am a man under all this. By the time you were done I was pretty damn happy to be a man, lover."

"You sure seemed to enjoy it. I kinda liked having you in me, even if it wasn't the usual way."

"That's just it! I'm high on being a girl, then I'm high on being a man, then Tall, Dark and Handsome comes along and I wanted nothing more than to have had that operation so I could fuck him all night long."

"I told you we could share."

"The way I felt when he started rubbing me I found my inner jealous bitch! If you had suggested it there would have been a cat fight then and there. That is after I had scraped myself off the puddle I had become on the floor."

"I've got a question, Titia."

"Go ahead and ask."

"Why does it have to be one way or another?"

"I don't know."

"I told you I'm bi, I long ago figured out that you can have fun and make love with anyone if you're both in the right mood. Hell, you can switch roles in the middle if it turns you on."

"Really? I'm afraid I haven't had much experience."

"At your age?"

"At my age. When you don't know what gender you want to be it isn't easy to find a date, let alone a lover."

"Which is the beauty of being bi, you don't have to decide! You just go with the flow, as granny likes to say."

"You make it sound so easy."

"It is, let me help you get that dress off and we can arrange a demonstration when you get the dress off me."

"Paula, I'm still a virgin."

"Easily cured. Let's leave the stockings on, it adds a little something to the experience. Just relax and let it be fun for both of us."

 

She was right, but since I'm the night worker I couldn't go to sleep after we had proved to ourselves that sex is fun however you approach it.

The doubts came back in the wee hours while I tried to play games on my phone while Paula slept, but I focused on her advice and tried to be satisfied with life and love as it came to me, not as I imagined it.

Morning came and I started yawning, so I found my way back to her bed. Ready to just curl up and sleep. She had other ideas and once again we found that I was capable of things I never imagined with a happily crazy woman in bed with me.

I drifted off to sleep dazed and satisfied with life. Male, female, both, either? I'm not there yet, but she proved her point rather thoroughly.

Paula the Elder
"You ready to face the world again, Titus?"

"Reality sucks, partner. I don't want to be Titus, dammit. It was worth getting clobbered to be Titia for so long and to meet your family. Even if my family doesn't understand me, I do miss them."

"People can change, Titus. There's always a chance."

"You haven't met my family. What the hell, all good things must end. Thanks for letting me stay while I recuperated."

"It's been a pleasure. With any luck your car is till waiting at the warehouse and some thief hasn't made off with it."

"What! With One-Stop Security on the job? Bite your tongue."

"No thanks, I hate blood. It's going to be too quiet around here when you're gone."

"I'll have to invite you and Paula over to my place for dinner sometime."

"You and she seem to have hit it off."

"At least Titia and Paula have hit it off. I don't know about Titus."

"Are you really so different wearing a dress?"

"I'm me wearing a dress, I'm just playing a part as Titus."

"If you say so. I'm too old to figure this shit out."

"Right! How many old people would let a tranny live in their spare room on short notice? You've got to be the most understanding and tolerant old lady on the planet."

"Flatterer. You still wearing that training bra under there?"

"I never leave the house without it."

"Then just keep your shirt on all night this time, OK?"

"You got a deal."

 

"Brian! This is a surprise."

"Paula, how could I let my best security team come back without some acknowledgment. How many times do we get all that free TV publicity for One-Stop?"

"I hope it's the last time, I prefer quiet nights without being thrown around the place."

"So do I, Titus," Brian agreed. "By the way, the both of you performed exactly as I hope any of our people would. Calling in backup, working as a team, preventing any loss - even capturing one of the thugs. I couldn't ask for more!"

"Any word on what those two were after, boss?" I asked.

"The fellow you caught hasn't said a blessed word since they let him out of the hospital - except 'lawyer' and 'the food in this place sucks'. But his fingers were quite eloquent."

"Do tell," I commented.

"His name - one of them, at least - is Stanley M. Exum. Minor criminal record so far, but he's been connected with several cases of industrial espionage. Rather sophisticated break-ins, minimal traces left but not completely clean. It appears he left his fingerprints on a job in Cincinnati, so there's a warrant out for him and also a reward upon conviction.

"I'm kind of reading between the lines here, but the place they tried to break into is part of a bunch of places doing lord-knows-what with alternative energy. The research costs big bucks, but the potential profits are huge. Just like the potential losses of those invested in how we currently supply our energy. As always, big bucks attracts con artists and outright crooks. Anyway, there are some rewards out for whoever is screwing with this consortium. You two may just be in for some nice money when the wheels of justice finish grinding."

"Sweet. I'm and old woman though, Brian. I might not be around by the time the wheels of justice spit him out again."

"Bullshit, Paula! You'll be around to make my life interesting for longer than I want to think about. Besides, there's now a reward out for catching your Sasquatch."

"Weird! In all these years of guarding I've never once come close to a burglar or anything beyond a lost drunk. Now I go and catch a national menace first time out."

"It gets more interesting. While he's only been busted for minor stuff, there are some who think he's in on some, well call it sabotage, in some labs working on some pretty advanced stuff. Just what, nobody is saying, but there is big money involved and apparently some other big money who would like to screw up the whole program. The insurance companies are interested in the whole thing, too. Quite a can of worms you two stumbled over."

"My, my - we seem to have hit the big time!"

"It's starting to smell that way. The feds were interested and suddenly they weren't, so it stinks of politics, too. But this big research consortium is hot to trot to stop the sabotage and there's still reward money out there."

"Oh Joy!" I commented. "Now we get mixed up in politics. Wonder if they'd be be dumb enough to come back so we could get some of the moolah."

"Never bet on how dumb a crook can be, Titus. You'll usually lose."

"I never bet anyway, because I always loose."

"Yeah. The big winners are those that don't play the lottery."

"True," said Brian, "but there's another reason I'm here tonight. Alfred McDonald just told me he's going to retire in a couple of months, not that it's any surprise. Paula, we think you should replace him as head of the guard side of the business. You've done it all. I know you were the one that kept your brother's security operation going before he screwed it up; you've done dispatching, record keeping and guarding. You trained me back in the day and you've trained up quite a few more who all love you. There's no one better qualified in the company."

"Brian, I'm flattered, but I'm sixty years old. I'm not that far from retirement myself. Does it make sense to only have me on the job for a few years?"

"Paula, I know you only took the job because you got shafted when Josh died. Believe me, if there was any way I could put those bastards that screwed you and Josh in a cage I would do it and smile at them while I turned the key. Unfortunately, I can't do anything about white collar crime, at least on the guard side of the business. That's Investigations job, and I figure those bastards managed to steal the money legally so they can jet off to Tahiti while you catch crooks on the night shift.

"Anyway, I hope this will let you put enough by to enjoy life before you end up in a home somewhere, and your new salary should help. These days three or four years on the job counts as longevity in most places, so I'm not worried about how long you stay."

"If you put it that way, then Titus - looks like we'll will have to find you a new partner, or do I get to pick who ends up as my assistant?"

"Funny you should mention that. Joanie says she wants to go when Al does. Just between you and me I think that means she's going to have a ring on her finger about three weeks after the retirement party. Everybody but Al knew she's in love with the guy."

"At least you won't have to worry about an office romance between Titus and this old lady. He's stuck on my granddaughter."

"Paula!"

"Tell me you aren't, partner! I'm not blind."

"Damn! A daytime drama on the night shift. Good thing I'm usually home in bed by this time, my wife wouldn't approve of an office romance if I'm involved."

"You know they call it the infidelity shift, don't you, boss?"

"I've heard the term."

"Then forget it. I think Titus is qualified for the job, the Navy had him shuffling papers for years, so he knows what's what. He's more than just a pretty face."

I couldn't help it, and Titus nearly busted a gut holding in his laughter.

"Damn! You solve my problems before you even started the job. If you want Titus, then you have him."

"So how much money do we hit the man for, partner?" I asked Titus.

"You're my boss, you do the negotiating."

"Should we try for a company car? Say a Caddy with bar service?"

"Fat chance, Paula. I might go for a motorcycle with a sidecar for your assistant, but don't get your heart set on it."

"Cheapskate. Beggars can't be choosers, Brian. I'm sure you'll do right by us."

"I will. Hope you have a quiet night, and we don't have to have TV people running around here again."

"You got that right, boss!"

Titia
My phone started ringing, an unusual occurrence in my usually solitary life.

"Hey girlfriend!"

"Hey yourself, Paula.

"You survive the night back at work with Mom?"

"You wouldn't believe what happened!"

"With Mom around, I'd believe anything. More burglars? More cops? Any doctors involved this time?"

"It was a quiet night after we got promoted."

"You what!?"

"Take it easy on my ear, lady"

"Talk, girl. What happened?

"The big boss was there when we arrived and as soon as the afternoon shift guys left he asked my Paula to be the head of the guard side of the company when some guy named Alfred left."

"I thought I was your Paula."

"Weren't you the one telling me I didn't have to make a choice?"

"I was talking about sex, you schmuck! You aren't bedding my Granny-Mom, are you?"

"Wash your mind out with soap, girl. She's my work partner, not my bed partner."

"Just remember that, I'm not into sharing with my grandmother, that would be too weird."

"Glad there's something you consider too weird to be doing. I'd been wondering."

"Get back to the promotion, babes."

"Like I said, my work partner Paula is about to become a boss, and she wants me to be her assistant."

"That is so effing cool! Hey - does that mean you get to work days?"

"I guess it does, I hadn't really thought about it."

"Then maybe you could spend a few nights with me, Titia?"

"If you'll have me."

"After last weekend you're welcome any time. And we need to go out with the girls on Saturday to celebrate."

"I haven't got anything to wear!"

"Then we can go shopping. We can use my employee discount. Besides, Titia will need some power suits to be a fancy-pants executive assistant."

"Slow down! The job is for Titus, not Titia."

"It should be for Titia. Are you going to wait until you're Granny-Mom's age to come out?"

"Can I be your kept woman when I get my ass fired?"

"You may be a keeper, but darling, this is so sudden."

"Try to think of the reaction if you got a buzz cut and came into the store with a suit and tie tomorrow."

"I see what you mean…"

"Such things are best done thoughtfully and carefully. I like having a roof over my head and being able to eat a good meal."

"So Titia isn't ready for the limelight, but she can still help us have a good time on Saturday."

"That she can, but we're back to what will I wear?"

"Let's have dinner together tomorrow and go shopping. That should give you time to get to work after you find a killer outfit."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Meet me at my place?"

"OK, but go easy on the wallet - I haven't got that raise yet."

"I've got you covered, sweetie. See you tomorrow."

 

"Howdy Titus. Ready for another boring night at the warehouse?" my partner asked.

"Y'know, after the last few days boredom sounds pretty good to me."

"You have been a busy little beaver for someone with a bad wing."

"Hardly feel it at all now. You wouldn't believe the backrub I got the other night."

"If you're going to go into detail about how you and my granddaughter spent the night…"

"Not a chance, a girl doesn't kiss and tell."

"Especially if there was a lot more than kissing."

"You're a dirty old lady, granny."

"How do you think I ended up with a granddaughter? So what's this with the massage?"

"Well, the other girls took me dancing at this club. Nice place, some good jazz and not too loud. I was going to be a good girl and just sit and listen but this tall, dark and handsome guy swept me off my feet."

"Living dangerously?"

"You had to be there. He was a perfect gentleman and took care not to do any damage to my arm. Once he knew I had dislocated it he offered a massage and my momma didn't raise no fools. It was perfectly safe at a table full of woman in the middle of the club."

"Safety in numbers, eh?"

"I was hoping. Then again, after he had me puddled on the floor I would have followed him anywhere. Good thing Paula was watching out for me. That guy knew his stuff."

"And it's a damn good thing he didn't get to know your stuff!"

"A girl can dream. So can a guy who wants to be a girl."

"So you're two-timing tall, dark and handsome with my granddaughter, is it?"

"If I didn't go home with her then she would have gone home with him. I simply saved her from a fate worse than death."

"Bedding a tall, dark and handsome stranger is a fate worse than death?"

"I had other ideas, the fate worse than death was for me."

"And I don't want to know anything more about it! Time to do our rounds."

"Spoilsport. I was going to tell you we're going shopping tomorrow before work."

"You ever considered getting a job writing soap operas? Where did my shy and retiring partner get off to?"

"You told me you didn't want to know, so I won't tell you."

 

Wednesday. Middle of the week. Hump day. Usually a day to tolerate and get it over with, but not this Wednesday. Not this week, for that matter. To say my life had been shaken up and tossed around was so complete an understatement that it defies comparison.

Chasing intruders, dislocating shoulders, having my desire to be a woman revealed, then having it accepted by my partner. Then being not only accepted but embraced as a woman by my partner's granddaughter and all her friends! Then being in bed with a woman who actually thought being trans was not just OK but perfectly normal. A woman who somehow couldn't see why everyone wanted to divide the world into male and female. A woman who I could make love with but not sleep with because I work while she sleeps.

For the first time in my life I wish I could afford a psychiatrist. Things has gotten complicated. Delightfully complicated, but still complicated!

Now it's Wednesday and Paula (the younger, those two having the same name just adds to my confusion!) wants to go shopping with me for something sexy to wear on Saturday when we go bar hopping. Yeah, two tea-teetotalers bar hopping. This just keeps getting stranger.

So here I am waking up early to get dressed for the evening. Since we're shopping for sexy, that means getting into the girdle. The whole idea of foundation garments is rather fundamental to those of us who want to appear as women but haven't taken hormones or had surgery. Sometimes they can be fun, a reminder that you are approaching your ideal, even if it requires padding. If I'm not going to go out in public, the girdle remains in the lower drawer of my dresser and I just put on the usual underwear that a woman would wear, then relax around home and do whatever it is I plan to do.

If I'm going out in public, I feel naked without the girdle to give me the shape I desire. Trouble is, I spent much of Saturday wearing the thing, and now I was going to need it again. There was still enough guy left between my ears that I managed to girdle myself despite the pain the last time but with my still sore arm putting it on was not the fun experience it usually was. Too bad I didn't have a corset, then I wouldn't have to tug it into place, but tying one up solo was impractical.

 

That blank spot is me getting into the girdle and attaching the stockings. You don't want to hear me whimper and whine, be happy with the blank space.

 

I was ready by 5:30, casually dressed and wearing an embroidered yellow blouse with angel sleeves and a emerald crinkly, knee length skirt. This time I was wearing flats, no need to go overboard. My phone beeped and she was there, so I slung my purse over my shoulder and went out to meet my fashion maven.

You may not believe it, but I really didn't own a really sexy dress. I've been dressing long enough to be comfortable in a crowd, but my main purpose was to blend in, not stand out. Sexy invites people to look closely, and I didn't want to have some drooling dude looking closely enough to detect another dude under that sexy dress.

When I went out I went to the library, a coffee shop, maybe the mall or a movie. Early evening or a day off was time for a stroll in the park if the weather was nice. Solitary activities, things women do routinely, things that wouldn't get me noticed.

So I was petrified to be going into a high-fashion store in the company of the manager to try on sexy dresses. Not exactly your invisible activity, eh?

"Hey girlfriend," Paula greeted me, "looking pretty good tonight."

"Thanks."

"You have pretty good taste. Some of the trans types that come into the store have some uh, peculiar, uh, ideas about what looks good on a woman."

"You don't say?"

"That's right, I don't say, and neither does my staff. The customer is always right, even if she looks downright grotesque. We do try to provide guidance and help all our customers look good, but sometimes…"

"Sometimes your customers look like I did when I was a teenager and desperately wanted to be a grownup woman. As a former pimply, geeky boy I knew that always meant sexy."

"Maturity sometimes comes far too long after fashion taste develops?"

"So it seems. I threw out my mini-skirts a while back when I saw the pictures I took of myself. Digital phone cameras are a blessing and a curse."

"So Grandma says. Of course, some of the pictures of her in green denim and Grandpa Josh in a leisure suit are hilarious."

"And what will your grandchildren say about the pictures on your phone in a few years?"

"Why do you think the phone is pass-coded?"

"Just hope your grandchildren aren't computer geeks, then."

"Fortunately I haven't any children, let alone grandchildren."

"And how long will that last?"

"Why is it that folks are always wanting to marry me off and get me pregnant?"

"Your good looks and charm? Wouldn't want to waste it."

"And when are you planning to become a parent. Notice I did not specify mother or father under the circumstances."

"Given my condition, I haven't had any offers, let alone plans."

"I suppose there's only been one virgin birth to use for an example, eh?"

"A good friend has removed me from that category, so that won't be happening."

"Why is it conversations with you always get around to sex?"

"Because we got around to sex the last time we had a conversation?"

"So we did. I don't know what got into me, I'm not that kind of girl."

"I do believe it was me that got into you."

"Oh you… That's not what I meant!"

"And if you think I could ignore a straight line like that, you're crazier than I thought."

"Far crazier than anyone could imagine. Just ask my grandmother."

"I've been tempted, but she has been carefully avoiding any leading questions. I will say she has used that knowing smile quite often lately."

"I know the one you mean. Not much gets past her."

"Which makes her a good mother and a good security guard. I even think she approves of us seeing each other."

"Does it sound stupid to say I want to get to know you better after Saturday night?"

"Not to me. I feel the same way."

"That's nice to know. I just wish you didn't work nights. It makes it hard to get together."

"Then your fairy godmother has granted your wish. Poof! I will not be working nights soon."

"That's right. I just forgot in all the excitement."

"You are speaking to the soon-to-be personal assistant to the head of guard operations at One-Stop Security.

"That's wonderful! She deserves something like that after all the shit she's had to live through. We need to celebrate!"

"We need to go shopping so we can celebrate on the weekend. I still have to work tonight."

"Girl, you are going to be knocking them dead by the time I get through with you!"

Titia
"So, we didn't scare you off last week?" asked Chloe.

"Not when there's a chance the guy with the hands might be back."

"Hey! You gotta give the rest of us a fair chance this week," complained Raina.

"Besides, you told him you were flying to California or some such." Shelly smirked. "Don't think he'd buy that you're suddenly in love with him and flew back."

"How come you got the good one when all I got was that salesman?" moaned Jackie.

"Don't blame me! Paula practically pushed me into his arms when he asked me to dance."

"Last time I'll make that mistake, Titia. You're on your own from now on."

"No way! I couldn't live without my fashion consultant!"

"You are looking rather sharp tonight, girl. I suppose Paula pushed you into that dress."

"Pushing wouldn't help. I think this thing is made of shrink wrap. She did zip me up, though."

"Be nice to me or you'll never get out if it," threatened Paula.

"Who's getting the next round?"

"As the Jenny-come-lately I suppose I could spring for it," offered Titia.

"Since I couldn't make it last week, it should be my turn."

"Titia, meet Callie. Callie, this is Titia, she's Paula's grandmother's partner."

"May-December romance?"

"No! Not that kind of partner. We work together."

"Welcome to the party. What're you having?"

"Just a Pepsi."

"Jeez - you're as bad as Paula. Is it catching or something?"

"I make a really piss-poor drunk, so I don't get started."

"Drink enough and pissing isn't a problem."

"But waking up in a gutter is."

"I'd rather wake up in a bed."

"So would I, as long as I know how I got into it. And with who."

"Details, details. White or red tonight, ladies?"

"White, and with any luck, those three fellas over there might be persuaded…"

"Somebody want to do the come-hither eyes at those dudes?"

"Just unbutton a couple of more buttons and that might work, Chloe."

"Too early for that, I'm not desperate yet. Subtlety, girl, subtlety."

"You may be right, they're heading over this way. I get dibs on the blonde."

"Think any of them will be as good as Hands?"

"One way to find out, ladies."

 

"I can't hear myself think!" I complained.

"No thinking allowed!"

"Well, this place certainly is more active than the last one."

"If I try to dance to this stuff and I'll dislocate my shoulder again."

"Too bad Hands isn't here, he could fix it. There's someone tall, dark and interesting approaching at three o'clock."

"I can't stay out that late, I need my beauty rest."

"That's obvious!"

"Meow! Three o'clock as in boarding party approaching from your right hand side."

"I'm a lefty."

"Then turn around, darling."

"My, but we're Naval this evening."

"You know what they say about sailors…"

"And what do they say about sailors?"

"That they have big torpedoes, of course!"

"And you're offering docking facilities?"

"Darling, you don't dock a torpedo. A torpedo goes boom!"

"Is that how you get the earth to move after sex?"

"That would be during sex, and I'd settle for a nice tidal wave, thank you."

"And end up a washed up and pregnant on the shore."

"Nah. Do they make condoms big enough for a torpedo?"

"If they did, it wouldn't get anywhere near my docking facilities."

"So bigger isn't always better?"

"Here he comes, girls. Act nice."

"Any bets on what kind of line he'll use?"

"We're about to find out."

 

"Titia, you look like you've seen a ghost! What's wrong?"

"Not a ghost, a Sasquatch."

"You been hitting the sauce, girl?"

"I almost wish I had been. See that big dude over by the bar - the one who practically scrapes the ceiling?"

"Hmmm. Not bad if you're into the type."

"That's not exactly what I'm getting at. That's the bugger that tried to break into the warehouse and tossed me behind the dumpster."

"What?"

"A long story. Call your grandmother, now! She'll know what to do."

"But Titia, what are you going to do?"

"Invite the big bastard to dance with me, and he's going to be all mine, dammit! Call your Grandmother!"

Someday I'm going to learn to think things through before I go running off to save the day.

 

Paula the younger
"Grandma? I think Titia has lost her mind."

"So, you're finally getting to know her."

"No, that's not it. She spotted some big dude and called him a Sasquatch. Then she told me to call you and she's gone over to dance with him."

"Hot dog! That girl can think on her feet. Where are you?"

"At some hole-in-the-wall club Chloe brought us to. Marty's on Crescent near Vine. Jesus, she's actually dancing with the big guy. She doesn't even come up to his shoulder. Hell, her nose is practically in his navel."

"Better than being a few inches lower down. Stay on the line while I call Brian. If he can get a someone from Investigations down there soon there's a very nice reward for the Sasquatch."

"You'd better hurry. The way they're going at it Titia is going to collapse from overexertion. That Sasquatch can dance."

"Hold on!"

 

"Paula, you still there?"

"I'm still there, Gram."

"Brian is on the way with some backup, Think Titia can spin him on for another twenty minutes?"

"I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. She's drinking white wine, and you know she doesn't drink as Titia."

"I guess Pepsi doesn't cut it when you're trying to get the Sasquatch to seduce you."

"Where the hell did Titia get those moves? She has the guy practically drooling in her hair."

"And you didn't believe Titus was really a girl deep down."

"I did wonder after last weekend."

"I don't think I want to know any details, child. I'm on my way out the door, I got be there when they catch the bastard."

"Bring your earplugs, Gram. It's loud in here."

"So I've noticed over the phone. Don't let the Sasquatch get away!"

 

Titia
Despite my best efforts at seduction, the Sasquatch failed to invite me home or even keep plying me with drinks. Half an hour later, Brian, Paula and another guy I hadn't met came rushing in the door, looking rather out-of-place in a bar catering to twenty-something punk rockers.

That was when I realized that in my enthusiasm to catch my tormentor I had forgotten how I was dressed. That was my boss, or rather my boss's boss coming in the door and he wouldn't know Titia from Adam or, I suppose, Eve. Oh shit!

Paula waved to her grandmother and they headed to our table.

"I take it the Sasquatch has gone back to the deep woods?"

"I'm afraid so," I told him.

"Damn!" swore the stranger.

"This is Detective Matt Pierson. He's heading the investigation into the break in."

"I tried my best to keep him interested, but he made some excuse and took off," I told them.

"He must have had a awfully urgent appointment to abandon someone like you, ma'am," said the detective.

"I suppose he had another building to break into and couldn't wait."

"Not to be ungrateful, ma'am," the detective interjected, "but how do you fit into this whole thing?"

"Uh, Brian," my partner replied, "I think you need to start wearing a hat."

"And what in blue blazes does me wearing a hat have to do with anything?"

"Because you're going to need to hang on to your hat right now."

"Paula, just how much have you been drinking tonight?"

"Not a blessed drop, I just got here. I could do with a beer, though."

"Not until someone explains what's going on," the detective said.

"You're a hard man, Brian. OK, this will come as a shock, but this lovely lady is my partner Titus when she's off duty."

"Jesus Christ on a crutch!"

"I don't think he has anything to do with this, Boss," replied Paula the elder.

"Paula, why is it that things around you always seem to go where I never expect them to?"

"My innate creativity?"

"If you weren't so damn reliable I'd have to wonder."

"You'll have to thank Titia here for luring the Sasquatch out of his den."

"Now you know why the Sasquatch didn't recognize me from the other night," I told Brian.

"I may have to transfer you to undercover work. That's one hell of a disguise."

"I'll be honest. This is the real me - Titus is the disguise." In for a penny, in for a pound, as the saying goes.

"I think I'd rather stick to catching mythical beasties tonight. We can talk about this some other time."

"If I'm still employed."

"You're still employed, even if I'm confused. So how do we find the Sasquatch again?"

"Easy," I replied. "I gave him my phone number."

"Thanks for coming in early, you two. I know it's a pain when you work nights to have to talk with us daylight types."

"No problem, Brian. Besides, this is our last week on nights before we start working with Al to learn the job."

"That's true, but I still thank you for coming in, both of you."

"You're welcome. I assume we need to talk about a Sasquatch trap?"

"That we do," replied Brian.

"Which means I'm the bait," Titus said.

"I'm still trying to get my head around that one. That was really you?"

"Depends on your point of view, Boss. From my point of view, Titia is the real me and Titus is a disguise I have had to live with in order to get a job."

"Darned if I understand, but I feel a lot better about asking a man go into a tight spot with a known felon than a woman. I know, I know! It doesn't make any sense and I'm a macho throwback, but that's the way it is."

"Jeez Brian, you're going to start oinking any second now!" exclaimed an exasperated Paula. "I've always kinda thought I was a woman, somehow."

"Josh seemed to think so, so I guess that makes me a lousy sexist pig. Deal with it!"

"If I didn't go through menopause ten years ago I'd be tempted to pop out another kid just to make sure you realized that little fact."

"All right! I surrender! I'm trying to learn to be a Sensitive New Age Guy already. Give me some time!"

"I'd rather the Sasquatch does the time - say maybe ten to life?"

"So would I. Anyway, I talked to our HR people about Titia and they gave me a lot to think about. She isn't the first in the company even though she's the first in my bailiwick. Before you started to serve up my ass as roast pork, you mentioned something about Titia being the real person and Titus being a disguise. Did I get that right?"

"You did. If I had the money and the nerve I wouldn't ever be Titus again. I have to tell you, I was so determined to catch that beggar Saturday night that I completely forgot how I was dressed when I called Paula."

"That's some one track mind you have there."

"I have a rather personal interest in catching the bastard. Some security guard that lets the bad buy toss 'em in a dumpster."

"Hey - he missed. He can make mistakes," Paula temporized.

"Like asking for my phone number."

"And what will he see on the Caller ID?"

"T. Burns."

"Which will make him damn sure you're a woman as most men use their full names."

"Obviously I'm not most men."

"That's for sure. You're very believable."

"Because Titia is the real one, not Titus."

"Does that mean that Titia will be Paula's assistant?"

"I… I never thought about it."

"I hadn't either," Paula spoke.

"And you're supposed to be the one with the radical ideas here," teased Brian.

"That was the sixties, fella. I'm a grandmother now."

"Great-grandmother. And I'll bet you were right out in front marching for women's lib."

"Damn straight!"

Do me a favor though?"

"What?"

"If you're going to burn your bra, do it outside. We have smoke detectors these days."

"Why you!"

"Paula, remember you're a nice little old lady now."

"Bullshit!"

"Such language! And you really want her to be your assistant?"

"Wisdom comes in many forms, Boss."

"As do women, from all appearances. I suppose if Titia can lure a criminal into a trap she might be able to be a credible assistant."

"I… I…"

"The correct answer is 'yes,' Titia," prompted Paula.

"Yes."

"OK, now that's settled. We need to talk about how to set a trap…"

 

"How d'ya like them apples, partner?"

"Apples, Paula? That's an apple orchard, complete with a bloody farm market!"

"Thought you might be pleased."

"But why? How?"

"Why? Because we love you… M-I-C-K… Aw shit. You wouldn't have any idea what I'm singing about."

"You got that right."

"The Mickey Mouse Club, TV from the stone ages. I grew up on the show. That was part of the theme song, we all sang it at the top of our lungs and drove our parents crazy."

"Which helps to explain why you're crazy, I suppose."

"As good an excuse as any. Why? Because I agree that Titia is the real part of you and you need to let her out. How? I blathered Brian's ear off all Sunday until I wore him down. I want Titia to be my assistant and I'm ornery enough to bitch and moan until I get my way."

"Maybe you ought to be the one to go on a date with the Sasquatch."

"Right! I may be a lot of things, but sexy and young are not among 'em. Even though just about anyone seems young to me in my advanced decrepitude, you qualify and if Titia is sexy enough to end up in my granddaughter's bed you obviously qualify there, too."

"Jesus! You don't pull any punches, do you?"

"I gave up being subtle when I got old. I don't know how much time I have left so I'm not wasting any of it on beating around the bush. From what she tells me, you've already taken care of beating my granddaughter's bush, anyway."

"Paula!"

"Titia! So now the hard part is sitting here for four more days being on guard and trying not to fall asleep. The easy part will be switching from night shift to day shift - I've gone that way a bunch of times and it doesn't take much effort. Going the other way is a bitch."

"I remember. You had to just about tap dance on me to keep me awake when we started."

"Good thing us old farts don't sleep so well at night, it wasn't too hard for me to make the switch."

"Will you stop with the old fart crap? You're not so old."

"I didn't think so until you started dating my granddaughter. That kind of messes with my head thinking of you as a contemporary partner and a possible grandson-in-law. Shit! Granddaughter-in-law."

"What is it with old women that makes them want to marry off anyone they run into. Am I going to have to do that when I get old?"

"I don't know if it's genetic or cultural. What were your grandmothers like?"

"One was cuddly, the other one was scary."

"I think Titia takes after the cuddly one. At least Paula seems to think so."

"Keep that up and I'm thinking you're Paula's scary grandmother."

"Bet your padded ass! I did break that dude's leg the other day."

"Yeah, I'm sure he's convinced you’re a scary grandmother, but it's a little too early for me to be claiming you as my grandmother. Give me a few more months to get to know Paula before you call the preacher."

"Might have to be a judge. Even though same-sex marriage is kosher these days it might be hard to find a preacher to do it."

"Will you cut that out! Nobody's getting married."

"So what are you going to tell Paula when you set up a date with the Sasquatch? You don't want to make her jealous."

"I'll take her with me. What guy could resist two hot chicks at once?"

"He looked big enough that he might just be able to pull it off, but I doubt he'll stay out of jail long enough to get either of you in bed."

"I almost wish he could get me in his bedroom so I could watch him when he discovers he's the one getting screwed, not me."

"You're a perverse sucker, partner. You'd better hope the cops have enough people there to pinch him before you end up alone with him again. He might not be as helpful as I was when he sees what's in your bra."

"I didn't have anything in my bra when you took it off me, partner. First time I've had a woman take off my bra it wasn't romantic in the least."

"Which goes to show fantasy is usually best left as fantasy. Reality sucks."

"Not for me. Titia gets to live in the real world permanently thanks to you, Paula."

"I stand corrected, and we need to stand up and start walking our rounds. No rest for the weary, partner."

 

Paula the younger
Ring… Ring… Ring…

"Hey Titia, you're phone's ringing."

"Crap!" came from behind the bathroom door.

"You're in the right room for that, girl."

"Can you answer it for me?"

"Sure… Hello?… Oh, hi!… No, she couldn't get to the phone fast enough so I answered it for her. Hold on a minute… You must be the guy she's been going on about, the great dancer."

"Give me my phone before you steal him away from me, girlfriend! Is this Cody?"

An intense look of concentration crossed Titia's face.

"I was hoping you'd call. I'd love to have you take me dancing again. I had a great time the other night."

She mimed holding her nose for me.

"Friday night? Saturday would be better… Oh… You're working Saturday night. Ain't life a bitch? Bosses seem to schedule you for the worst possible times, don't they? Hmmm, I'm supposed to be working but I'm sure I can get someone to cover for me."

Somehow I got the feeling Granny-mom wasn't going to be working Friday night - at least not at her usual place.

"Dinner? That would be… lovely…"

For once Titia looked like she was less than the confident woman she usually seemed.

"Dancing? After the last time we danced, I can't wait to get you on the floor with me again! There's a place with a great band on Fridays, called Crossroads… I'd love that, Cody!… You'll pick me up? Uh, sure… Six o'clock?"

Titia's eyes rose to the heavens above in consternation. I whispered "Here!" in her ear and pointed at the floor emphatically. She stumbled through giving him my address.

"See you Friday, Cody. I'm looking forward to it!"

Her enthusiasm made a fast recovery as she pressed the call end button on her phone."

"He's working Saturday night and leaving town on Sunday. I'd better call Brian, things just got a lot more complicated, didn't they?"

 

Paula the elder
"It's too bad we couldn't have made the switch to days this week, it would have made these strategy sessions easier on everyone,"

"Which is the first order of business. After getting advance warning of the Sasquatch's plans for the weekend, I'm going to find substitutes right away and you and Titia start days right away. With the police involved it goes quite a bit beyond our usual operations. I need you available to work with the cops. Tomorrow morning go home and sleep yourself into oblivion so you can be ready."

"Who would have believed it? A boss that's helping me get ready for a hot date!"

"Don't make me regret being a nice guy, Titus."

"I won't. Any word on what we're trying to accomplish on Friday. I take it we aren't just going to just arrest the guy like we planned."

"Not any more. We want to get whoever he's working with, too. He's probably too good to go blabbing to any chick he picks up, but I hope you can get him to let slip enough to give us some clues."

"I'll certainly try. I've never gone on a date as Titia, though. It's always been with a group of friends."

"Can you folks give me a little time for my head to stop spinning? This whole thing is a bit out of my experience."

"Don't worry, Brian. Titia is a perfect lady, after all she lived with me for a week so I know."

"She what? I think Al isn't the only one who needs to retire! I should stick to dumb-ass bank robbers who smile at the security cameras on the way out. Then I get a Sasquatch and…"

"You look like you could use a hug, Brian."

"Don't you dare, Paula. Next thing you know we'll be chanting 'Aum' and doing Yoga on the floor. This is still a business, dammit!"

"There, there, Brian. Get it all out of your system."

"I should have quit before you finished training me, I could have gone to California and become a beach bum."

"Actually, Yoga is a great stress reliever, Boss," offered Titus. "It's helped Titia a lot."

"Out! Go and watch TV in that fancy control room of yours, you're going to have to do some real work starting Thursday."

Wednesday morning, 10AM at the mall
"Titia! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be asleep!"

"Ah, but my mystical powers over mythical beasts have changed all that."

"Come again?"

"Right here in the store in front of everybody?"

"You… You'll pay for that!"

"I sincerely hope so, but right now I need to see about store credit. I need a fast update on my wardrobe. As of about two hours ago Titus is one with history. Titia starts at nine in the morning on Thursday."

"Which explains why you're strolling in the sunshine today. Let me get you one of the computers so you can fill out the form."

"Computer? How hi-tech."

"Paper and pencil is obsolete. Just fill out all the boxes and try not to swear too much when the fool thing rejects your entry and doesn't tell you why."

"I suppose I'll have to use Titus since I haven't made a name change yet."

"Only if you want them to see your credit score, otherwise you strike out."

"And I'd rather have a ball shopping. I just hope the job lasts longer than the payments on the new clothes."

"You can always move in with me if you don't want to sleep under a bridge."

"I think we need to wait for my lease to be up before we make that sort of decision. Besides, it would be awkward to ask you grandmother for your hand in marriage when she's my boss."

"You wouldn't!"

"If we still want to live together after we've known each other for a while longer, then we can talk about it. I don't want to make another big decision while I'm high about finally living as Titia."

"You're as bad as Grams, always so sensible. I guess I love you even if you're too sensible."

"Whoa! Where did that come from?"

"You, of course. I think I love you, but I'll try to be sensible about it."

"This whole fairy tale thing must be catching. Mythical beasties, fair princesses from ugly toads and now love at first sight. We may have to move into a castle and invite your Grandmother to be our fairy godmother."

"Only if she stays in the other wing of the castle. I don't want her to hear you screaming when I have my way with you."

"I think we had better change the subject or I might not be able to be Titia too convincingly."

"How sweet. Want me help to get you to sleep tonight before your big day?"

"You do have the nicest ideas. I can see why they made you a manager. Did I fill this thing out right or did you distract me too much?"

"I don't hear that annoying buzz, so I guess it must be satisfied. Let it think a minute… Nice! You can spend two grand and I get the commission on all of it!"

"In your dreams. If I go bankrupt I'll have to marry you and become your kept woman. I'm much more interested in an equal partnership."

"Oddly enough, so am I. I guess you'll just have to settle for my employee discount if the computer doesn't complain about using your credit for my purchases. Sometimes the computers are so rigid."

A problem I'm concerned with at this moment."

"Not all girl yet, sweetie?"

"Not unless I marry a sugar daddy who wants to send me to Thailand."

"Maybe we can vacation there when the time comes."

"I like a woman who thinks big. Meanwhile, I need something that will look good on a personal assistant to the head of guard services."

"I assume tending toward skirts and not slacks?"

"You know me well, my dear."

"I hope you're not planning to wear a girdle or a corset."

"Not for work, This isn't the stone ages like your grandmother grew up in."

"And she thinks you're insane to wear a girdle."

"It caught me a Sasquatch, didn't it?"

"Interesting bait you're using."

"No, I'm the bait on Friday."

"Be careful. Please?"

"I will. I have Paula and Brian and the cops double dating with me. I'll be safe unless he wants to get me into his bed."

"That could be interesting, especially as you belong in my bed, not his."

"Clothes? You're awfully distractable for a manager, Paula."

"We're going to put some skid marks on your plastic, girl. You absolutely must have this skirt to start with…"

Paula the elder, Thursday morning
"Doughnuts, Paula?"

"Doughnuts, Titia?"

Great minds think alike. Got to make a good first impression."

"And you're wearing a skirt. I didn't think a crotchety old lady like you even owned a skirt."

"And I knew a smartass young lady like you would certainly be wearing a skirt. Can't let the help outclass the boss, can I?"

"Morning, Joanie, nice to see you again. May I introduce my new assistant, Titia?"

"Good to see you, too, Paula. And nice to meet you, Titia. I hope you two will be happy running this madhouse. I know I'm going to be happy being retired."

"Go ahead and rub it in!"

"My pleasure. Al is waiting for you, go right in, Paula. Titia, I'll try to give you a running start about what happens out here while Al is confusing Paula. Pull up a chair."

 

"Coffee! I need coffee!" moaned Paula.

"I'll pour, you get sugar. Lots of sugar!" answered Titia.

"You know I take it black."

"Let me get a couple of toothpicks for your eyelids. You're going to need the sugar to keep awake. Who said switching shifts from night to day was easy?"

"Some num-nutz who never tried himself. Where's the candy machine? I'll get my sugar from a candy bar. Chocolate! Give me Chocolate?"

"Instant mocha, eh?"

"I hope we haven't bored you ladies into a stupor with all the details this morning," Al said as he and Joanie came over with their own mid-morning pick-me-up."

"Somehow this whole Sasquatch thing has completely screwed up our gentle transition, hasn't it?"

"Sasquatch?" queried Joanie.

"Sorry, our personal shorthand for the guy that tried to break into the warehouse a while back. By pure blind luck the suspect tried to hit on Titia last week and she ran with it. He's a hairy bugger about seven feet tall so we gave him a nickname. Now she has a hot date with a mythical beastie. That probably ought not to go outside us four, though."

"You sure know how to pick 'em, Titia," grinned Joanie. "Think he may have a cousin interested in a double date?"

"Now Joanie," laughed Titia, "I'm not sure you'd want to snuggle up too closely with the dude, he has a temper and I don't think he was wearing a flea collar. Better get Al to take you out for dinner and a movie, I'm sure you'd enjoy it much more and you'll both have the time available very soon."

°°Now that girl just proved how resourceful she is,°° thought Paula. °°Nice soft pitch!'°°

"Well I…" began Al.

"Don't blow it, Al," laughed Paula. "Catch her before she can think of a reason to refuse!"

"Why not?" asked Al. "Steak or seafood. Or maybe that new Tibetan place since we're talking about a Yeti."

"I'd love to!"

Good thing Al couldn't see Joanie wink at Titia from where he was sitting.

"So now we have that settled, where's the nearest candy machine. I need help keeping awake, and no - it's not because you're boring Al, I'm just trying to convince my body I should be awake during the day."

"Allow me, Paula. I'll be glad to show you."

"Thank you all for coming in," said Detective Matt Pierson. "I appreciate you're willingness to help."

"You could say we have a personal interest in getting this guy behind bars," commented Paula. "some of us more than others."

"Now, uh, Ms, uh, Burns, I understand you have arranged a date with the suspect."

"Please, call me Titia. Well, he arranged it with me, but I certainly intend to be there. I take it with my suspicions he may be involved in another job on Saturday you don't intend to simply arrest him?"

"That would be our plan. From what we can gather, the place they tried to enter is connected with several other similar research outfits, and there have been other attempts to enter, some successful, and even some physical damage.

"These days data can be far more valuable than anything tangible. Since our current guest had a very good camera with him we can assume the intruders want photos of the layout and the equipment the researchers are using. We're treating it as industrial espionage, but there have been hints that there may be more involved. The bad guys aren't the only ones who clam up at times."

"So I should encourage Cody to ply me with drink to try and get me into bed with him, hoping he will let something slip that will help us know what's going down on Saturday. All I ask is the bartender makes sure my drinks are such that I won't want to go to bed with him."

"I… Well… We don't…"

"Relax, Detective," laughed Titia. "You can say it - I'm transgendered and he probably wouldn't appreciate it if he did get me into his bed."

"I… This is a bit beyond my pay grade. I haven't dealt with anything quite like this and I don't want to offend you when you're helping us."

"So I'll try to save you some embarrassment. The outfit I'm planning to wear tomorrow would make it rather difficult to hide a wire, but since I have fake breasts I would expect your techs could come up with something to fit in my bra so you can all listen in. Since most men tend to talk at my breasts anyway, I suppose that will help to get a good pickup. Do they make nipple microphones?"

Since Titia delivered that line with such deadpan accuracy we all couldn't help but laugh and the tension was broken. We spent a good hour going over details and casting scenarios. It was a good thing that Titia had the presence of mind to suggest a place to the Sasquatch so there could be people in place to both listen in and come to the rescue if things went sour.

Paula the Elder
There's a saying that old age and treachery will triumph over youth and exuberance every time. It may even be true if my arthritis isn't acting up, but somehow I managed to talk the the detective into letting me come along when we watched the Sasquatch do his thing.

Naturally I had to stay in the van with the technician and the detective listening in to the wire because the Sasquatch had seen my face, but it sure beat staying home and tending to my knitting while I waited to find out what happened.

With one of the cops waiting in Paula's bedroom, Cody the Sasquatch arrived right on time to pick up Titia. Paul, the tech who was handling the listening station got red-faced more than once listening to the girl talk as Titia and Paula nattered while Titia prepared herself. There was no doubt that Titia and my granddaughter were lovers, none at all. I have this sneaking suspicion that those two vixen were having a great time at our expense.

Even though we knew where they were going, Titia kindly remarked on landmarks along the way so we were sure she wasn't being kidnapped or whatever. Cody seemed to be an attentive date and a good conversationalist. He hadn't a clue that the girl he was going out with was the guy he had sent flying a few weeks ago.

Dinner got quite boring for those of us listening, there wasn't a lot of privacy in the restaurant, so the conversation was sparse. The sounds of chewing and clinking tableware don't have any intrinsic dramatic value.

"I hope you guys have a very big hard drive to save all this," I told the tech.

"Don't worry, we have tons of room. We got this beauty with drug bust confiscations. Not likely the city would spring for something like this van. Besides, there's a big push for these guys, the powers-that-be are anxious to find his friends. You don't think we usually assign all these people for a lousy attempted break-in, do you?"

"I suppose not," I answered.

We were all glad when they left for the club. Our reception was clear as we trailed them a couple of blocks away. Pretty good equipment the cops have.

"Thank you for that lovely dinner, Cody."

"Thank you for your company. It's just a shame we met just before I have to go."

"You seem to be quite the traveler. Traveling salesman? My mother warned me about those types!"

"No sales involved in my line of work. I just come in, do the job, and leave before anyone even knows I've been there."

"A traveling ghost? Poltergeist? Do you do levitation?"

"I'm too old for that. Poltergeists are usually young teens."

"I guess if you were young enough to be a poltergeist you couldn't get a driver's license, so that's out."

"Ah, but I do have a youthful outlook."

"Not too youthful, the bartender at the club serves a mean Dawa cocktail."

"Never heard of that one."

"You have to try it! Dawa is the Swahili for a magic spell or medicine, and Kenyans will tell you that this is the drink to cure all ills! Vodka on ice cubes, sugar and lime. The dawa part is a wooden stick dipped in honey to stir it with."

"Sounds exotic, I'll have to try it."

"They go down real smooth. A few of them and who knows what will happen. You may even get the urge to stop traveling."

 

"Hey Mike," I asked the tech. Can you get a message to the crew in the club to have some of those Dawa things ready for them when they get there?"

"You got it, Paula. Loosen up the old tongue, it should."

"Just make sure Titia's is minus the vodka."

 

"I'm afraid that's all part of the job, when the job is done I have to leave town pretty quickly. Never can tell where I'll be from one week to the next. I'm almost glad that things went sour on this job so I got to meet you."

"I bet you say that to all the girls you pick up."

Listening in, I had to laugh. Yeah - he picked her up all right, then pitched her at the dumpster.

"Now wait a minute! What was the line I used to pick you up? It worked so well I'll have to remember it the next time I go clubbing by myself."

"I believe it was 'Can I persuade you to dance?' that you used. Somehow I had an overwhelming urge to make your acquaintance."

The way she's playing him, that girl is going to go far!

"Not very polished, but if it works…"

"Wouldn't have done any good if you hadn't been such a terror on the dance floor. You practically dislocated my arm, you demon!"

Don't play it too close to the line, honey!

"Think we can get the band to play a jitterbug? I'll try not to injure you."

"Jitterbug? One of my favorites with the right partner. Wonder how much we have to brib… uh, tip the band to have them play one?"

"Think you can manage it in those heels?"

"Just try me."

"Darlin', you're on."

 

Once again, those of us in the listening post were treated to several minutes of odd noises, this time with some heavy breathing and assorted grunts. I was beginning to get a feel for just how boring surveillance duty can be.

"Hope they're having a good time," the detective said. Too bad we don't have TV so we could have a better way to kill time while we're waiting."

"I hate to tell you, but since I've spent the last couple of years watching surveillance cameras it isn't any more interesting than listening to heavy breathing."

"I'm just glad the two of them aren't in bed," laughed the tech. "That would be a bit too much."

"Are you speaking from experience?" I asked.

"Sadly, yes," he replied. "And you have to listen to all of it just in case someone says something important."

"Jeez…"

"And not once has anyone said anything worth listening to during the act."

"I suppose their attention is elsewhere and their mouths are otherwise occupied."

"I'm trying to figure out what I'd do if you were my granny! Somehow I get the feeling you don't sit around reading romance novels and knitting all that much, do you Paula?"

"Not to burst you bubble, but I'm a great-grandma and I do knit. Romance novels aren't for me, but my husband had a dirty little secret - he read them all the time."

"And the stereotypes just keep bursting into flame as the night wears on…"

"Sounds like they're done dancing," said the tech."

"Wave down that waiter, won't you Cody," came Titia's voice. "I need something to drink."

"You've got it, sweetheart," came his slightly breathless response."

More breathing and odd noises, then the clink of glasses.

"To the best night out I've had in a long time," came Titia's voice. I sure hope she was acting and not getting too far into her role as bait."

"Cheers," came the reply.

You could even hear the gulps as she knocked back the drink.

"I need another of these, Cody."

"Anything you want. I'll just run up to the bar so we don't have to wait."

"You know how to make a girl happy."

After a pause, Titia said "I hope you guys appreciate my sacrifice, I'm going to have to visit the ladies room a dozen times with all this drinking. I just hope it loosens his tongue."

"She should complain, getting paid to go drinking and dancing. I'm in the wrong job," groused the tech.

"Now that the subject has come up," I observed, "I could use a visit to the ladies myself. Don't let anything exciting happen while I'm gone."

"Sounds like they're heading for the dance floor, so you should have some time."

So I crawled out of the van and visited the nearby convenience store. Naturally, I had to beg for the restroom key as it was locked to prevent all the homeless people from trashing the place. If it didn't make me feel like a little old lady I'd grouse about 'how things were back in my day!' and put on a good grump.

"I miss anything?" I queried on my return.

"Nope, still dancing. Wait a second, sounds like the end of that number. Good timing, Paula."

When they settled in, Titia asked "Ready for another round, big fella?"

"I've hit my limit, Titia. Can't afford to get too drunk tonight - big day tomorrow."

"Aww, you can't get drunk when you're dancing all night. Burns up the alcohol faster than you can drink it!"

"An interesting theory, but I don't want to screw up tomorrow night like we did the last time. I hate to leave a job unfinished - bad for my reputation."

"And what kind of reputation have you got - other than being a divine dancer?"

"Let's just say that 'if at first you don't succeed, you don't try again, you just do it again and do it right."

"A fine philosophy, easily applied to these fine drinks."

"I think I'll stick to a Virgin Mary or Paloma Fizz mocktail."

"Such self-control. Suit yourself and let's dance some more."

"A fine idea. Then I'll have to thank you for a wonderful evening and return you to your roommate. Like I said, I have a big day tomorrow."

"Well, then may Phra Sao bless your efforts on the morrow. Be sure to wear something purple to attract his attention."

"Who?"

"Phra Sao. One of the odd gods I ran across in college. You never know when you're going to need some supernatural intervention."

"Well, at the moment, I feel like worshiping the Lord of the Dance. Ready?"

"You bet!"

 

"Since you've been such a model of sobriety, why don't I wait here while you get the car? It's a bit chilly now."

"Of course."

After a pause:

"OK guys, he's gone. I think that went rather well, we know just where to be waiting tomorrow. And by the way, Paula the Younger's interest in odd gods let me know about good old Phra Sao, the Thai God of Grumpiness and Misfortune. He's attracted to purple and likes Saturdays. May he bless that big bastard with all his power tomorrow!"

Paula the elder
"Are you our of your ever-lovin' mind?" cried Detective Matt Pierson.

"Hold on," I said.

Pulling out my smartphone I made a show of checking it.

"According to this, that's the twenty-seventh time someone has asked me that question today. Since I lost my mind some time ago I guess I must be out of it."

"Paula!

"Matt!"

When you spend the night crowded into a surveillance van you end up on first-name terms pretty quickly.

"Look Paula, I have to say we couldn't have gotten where we are without you and Titia helping us, but it's time for you guys to go home and leave the rest to the professionals."

"What? Just because my uniform isn't as snazzy as yours I'm no longer a professional?"

"Paula, you're private. I'm public. A cop. The fuzz. Hell, I'm a pig and you're a grandmother. It's supposed to be my job. Besides, you got promoted and don't wear a uniform any longer."

"And if any of my free-love friends from the sixties found out I wanted to hang out with the pigs my reputation would be ruined."

"Uh Paula," my partner - no assistant! - cut in. "You were in grade school in the sixties."

"And you weren't even born yet. Shut up - or don't you want to be there for the grand finale?"

"For that matter, I wasn't born yet," commented Matt. "Which is a good thing as that means I missed having to share those years with a smartass grandmother-in-the-making."

"And I love you, too, Matt."

"Just don't let my wife know."

"Only if we can wait with you."

"Damn! You're back to that again. No!"

"I really want to see Cody's face when we turn on the lights and he sees me waiting for him," Titia pleaded.

"It's not like we haven't spent the night in the place before."

"You are planning to be waiting inside the building for a surprise party, aren't you?"

"Look, just go and apply for the Force and have done with it, lady."

"And may The Force Be With You, Paula," Titia chortled.

"You two aren't going to give up, are you," moaned Matt.

"We always get our man, to coin a phrase."

"So you're going to go undercover riding a moose, fer pity sake?" queried Matt.

"Has more class than a patrol car, eh?"

"Alright! You stay back and out of the way, keep your mouth shut and let us do the work."

"No problem, Matt. We just watch and feel smug when you take him down."

"Get there early and bring a lunch - no calling out for pizza once we're there. And Titia?"

"Try to tone it down a bit, I don't want my men drooling over you and not watching for the bad guys."

 

4:17 PM, Saturday afternoon
The happy chirping of a cell phone interrupted the quiet conversation. Sitting in the lunchroom of Good Conduct Enterprises were Paul Abruzzo of Good Conduct, Detective Matt Pierson and patrolman Cerise Kelly, Brian Ledesma, Paula Foster and Titia Burns from One-Stop Security and Glen Ambrose of the research consortium that coordinated the research this lab and several others were doing.

Also present were a couple of empty donut boxes and the makings for a buffet for later in the evening. Waiting around for the bad guys to show up might be tedious, but it didn't need to be hunger-inducing.

"Yes?" Detective Matt spoke into the phone, one of several burner phones picked up that afternoon at Walmart - virtually guaranteed to be undetectable communications between the waiting reception committee, the guard shack and the people outside the complex.

"You don't say. Looks like they are getting smarter, spray painting a camera is bound to get somebody's attention. I'll let the boys know." Turning to his associates he said, "A so-called roofing company just accidentally damaged the camera watching this place. Looks like they're a little more organized this time. I'll have someone tail them." Punching the speed dial for the burner phone in the waiting surveillance car, he set it up.

"I hope someone brought Monopoly with them. It's going to be a long night."

"Please guys - and gals. Our company is trying to break the monopoly of fossil fuels on energy production." commented their host for the evening.

"I'd rather be playing Sorry! with these bozos," Titia spoke.

"While I fully expected waiting to be boring, I never thought of bringing any board games."

"I bet you'd appreciate a Clue, wouldn't you Matt?" asked Paula.

"Well this whole thing is quite an Operation."

"Is this what I'm going to have to put up with all night?" asked Brian? "I'm going to put in for hazardous duty pay!"

"You ought to try dating the Sasquatch if you want hazardous duty," quipped Titia.

"Jeez Titia," complained Brian, "you just got a raise and a promotion - now you want hazardous duty pay? Some people are never satisfied."

"I suppose that's been the story of my life up until recently." she answered. Paula had a hard time smothering her laughter. Other than Brian and Matt, nobody knew Titia was anything other than the woman she seemed.

So they played cards and whatnot, until eventually Paul got to talking about what they did in the place.

"I can't give you details, but if you're bored enough I can give you my Alternative Energy 101 spiel that I give to the people we want to invest in us."

They all agreed, after all - what else did we have to do?

"OK. So anyway, right now solar and wind are the most viable sources of alternative energy. And before you ask, hydrogen fusion would be ideal, but getting it to work has been twenty years in the future for as long as I've been alive. That isn't going to happen quickly, so we go with what we got.

"Conversion efficiency is one concern - solar panels convert about fifteen percent of the sun to usable electricity and some of the newest solar-to-steam can be well over seventy percent. No-brainer what the people investing the money would like to have the best efficiency possible.

"The downsides are obvious. No wind, no wind power. A cloudy day and your solar power is much reduced. Night time - no solar at all. One path is to find a way to store electricity. We can use batteries, but there are some pretty severe limits on how much juice they can store and how much rare materials they use up, so there are lots of people looking at other ways to do it. Not a simple job and maybe even one of those twenty-years-in-the-future things like fusion. Not my area so I really don't know.

"What I do know is that until we solve this problem we will have to rely on fossil fuels to generate power when the green sources aren't available. Unfortunately, that means that the cost of power from the fossil fuel places will go up if they're only used half the time - maintenance and staffing still costs the same and you're selling less power to pay for it. Nobody ever said the solution would be easy…

"Anyway, it doesn't take a genius to figure if you put your solar generator in a desert you don't have to worry about clouds very often so your efficiency is much better. Two problems with that - if you're using solar-to-steam where do you get the water (not my job, either) and no matter how you generate the power you have to get it from the desert to the place where people use it?

"If you're like most people, you don't realize that when you run electricity through a wire it isn't perfectly efficient. The resistance of the wire generates heat and you never get as much power out of the end of the wire as you put into the beginning. The longer the wire, the less comes out the other end. Next time you're using a space heater, just feel the wire or the plug. It's going to be a bit warm - that's the electricity in the wire being lost as heat. If you're trying to heat the room, that's not a problem.

"When you figure a wire from the desert to a city far away, that is a lot of lost power. What we're trying to do is find a way to improve the efficiency of those wires, so more power makes it to where we want to use it. There have been a lot of hair-brained ideas on how to do it over the years, and plenty of con-men, but we hope we can come up with something better than what we have, and - by the way - something cheap enough that it can be used without costing more than it saves.

"So, we're a small cog in that research, but we think we may have some good ideas. Now all we have to do is make them work."

"It's always in the details, ain't it?" commented Matt. "Just like police work, screw up one tiny detail and you've blown the whole case."

"Not a bad analogy. What we do in research has a resemblance to following up a bunch of odd clues and trying to make them fit together. That and praying for some genius to come up with a theoretical breakthrough for us."

"Well now," at least we have some idea of what we were guarding," Paula said.

 

10:46 P M
Having talked themselves out, the room was quiet except for the various noises from the cell phones. When nothing else is happening, haul out the cell phone and play a game.

"Damn! My battery is going dead."

"Not a problem around this place," said Paul. "We have more USB cords and chargers than you'll find at the Best Buy. Hang on a minute…"

He returned shortly with a handful of wires and everybody moved close to a plug and connected their cell phones to the cords.

Problem solved.

2:38 AM
The burner cell phone started it's little chirpy dance tune, jolting the dozing company to alertness. Matt pushed the answer button.

"Yes? … Thanks, guys. We'll be ready."

He hit the hang-up button.

"Our hidden camera is showing some movement. We got the party hats and noisemakers ready for our guests?"

"Darn!" said Titia. "I knew I forgot something!"

"I guess handcuffs will have to do, said officer Cerise. "I have several all nice and shiny new so maybe they'll be impressed."

"Oh, they'll be impressed. Surprised, too - I hope," said Titia.

"Trust a woman to be ready for a party," snarked Paula.

"OK, just to make things clear," continued Matt, "this is a police operation. I know you all have a stake in it, but I don't want you to get hurt or do anything to cause a problem. Once we get word the suspects are near the building, I'll leave the cell phone on speaker so we all know what's happening outside. Everything but the usual night light will be off and Officer Kelly and I will be on either side of the door when they enter.

"If they stick to our little script, we'll wait until they close the door, then officers outside will wait outside the door in case something goes wrong. Once the door closes, Paul can turn on the lights, since it's his place and he knows where the switches are. With any luck we put on the cuffs and we're done except for the paperwork. I'm just hoping our Sasquatch isn't going to get upset and try to send anyone else flying.

"Now, as far as we know these guys are not armed, but I'm not going to count on it. You just can't tell these days who has a gun and none of us wants to find out by getting shot. So stay in the break room until I tell you otherwise."

The phone once again started singing and they learned that there were two people at the door.

"We'll keep the line open from now on so we know all know what's going on," said Matt.

So they sat there in the dark and listened to the faint scratches and clicks from the door. At last, the door swung open and someone stepped in quietly. Then a whisper that was indistinct in the break room and some footsteps. Then the sound of the door closing and the hall lights flared.

"Police!" called Matt. "Stand still and keep your hands visible!"

"Oh shit!" came a baritone voice.

"Let's make this easy, fellows," instructed Matt. "Hands behind your back and let the officer put on the cuffs. I don't want any hassle, OK?"

"Oooof!" came from the hallway and Paula came flying out of the break room with Titia and Brian close behind, to find Matt on the floor and Cerise clinging to the Sasquatch's back.

"Dammit Cody!" shouted Titia. "Is that any way to treat a lady?"

"The Sasquatch froze with his hand on the doorknob, staring in amazement at the last person he expected to see in this place.

"Put her down. Now!" ordered Titia.

"What the fuck?"

"Sorry, Cody, but there's no way that's going to happen," replied Titia. Officer Cerise snapped cuffs on the man while he stood there confused.

Since Matt still had the breath knocked out of him, Cerise read them their rights, but was interrupted when the door again burst open with the arrival of the backup forces.

"Sorry, boys," said Paula. "You're late for the party. We've already wrapped up the presents and eaten all the donuts."

"You didn't save any for us?" asked one of the new arrivals. "That's just bad planning, that is."

"You'll have to wait for the next burglary, I guess."

"Stop by on Monday," offered Paul. "I'll be sure we have several boxes and can even give you the ten-cent tour."

"What the hell are you doing here, Titia?" asked the confused Cody."

"Waiting for you. Thanks for giving me the clues last night so we knew where you were going to be."

"But… how…"

"You probably don't remember, but we met the last time you were here. You tossed me behind the dumpster. I've kind wanted to meet you again to return the favor."

"That was you?"

"Yup. I gathered you didn't care for girls in uniform since you ripped it off me, so I figured I'd wear something else the next time we met."

"Jesus! I think I want to go to there nice, sane jail cell now. This place is too damn crazy for me."

"We can oblige you, my friend. Take him away, boys." ordered Matt.

"Oh, and Cody?"

"Yeah?"

"When you get out, I wouldn't mind dancing with you again. My girlfriend was rather jealous watching us and wanted her turn, too."

 
Epilogue - Seven Months Later

"Thanks for coming over, guys," said Brian.

"Hey - when the boss calls, we come."

"Well trained, I see. I like that. I also like the job you're doing, things are running more smoothly than ever, not that there were any real problems when Al was there."

"Speaking of Al, how's he doing?"

"You should be getting a wedding invitation most any day."

"Sweet! Joanie popped the question?"

"Now Paula," grinned Titia, "I'm sure that any good PA would be able to arrange things so her boss thought it was their idea."

"And you should know…"

"Of course I do. It's my job."

"She's right, Paula," observed Brian. "Of course that's one scenario you won't have to worry about when you retire."

"Especially since either she or my granddaughter should be popping a question any time now."

"Paula!" cried Titia.

"You're living together, can great-grandchildren be far behind? You can never have too many great-grandchildren, you know."

"Maybe Joanie will come back for while when you're out on pregnancy leave, Titia," smirked Brian.

"Will you guys cut that out!?"

"So, that brings me to the second thing I wanted to talk about. Our bad guys finally copped a plea and have now been convicted. I have here two checks for some substantial reward money. Nice work, ladies!"

"Wow!"

"Sweet"

"Uh, Brian?" asked Titia.

"Yes?"

"I may not need pregnancy leave, but I am going to be asking for two weeks medical leave very soon."

"What, planning to get sick?"

"Nope, planning to get better. I bet you didn't know there are places that offer medical vacations for the surgery I need for a fraction of the price for the surgery alone in the good 'ole USA, and this check ought to cover both me and my Paula quite nicely."

"Well, the money is yours to use as you see fit. Have a nice vacation."