I wasn’t looking forward to my Grandmother being with us this Christmas. During Thanksgiving at her house, we had got into an argument and it ended with us just going our separate ways. Grandmother had always liked my sister Darby and cousin Laura better. When she spent the best part of Black Friday’s shopping time in the women’s section of stores; I knew this year would be no different.

I’m a high school senior and I’ll be graduating from high school in the spring. I thought this year was to be my year to be fussed over, at least a little.

Darby had gone out with some friends that she made at Grandma’s. I got stuck watching Grandma show off what she got Darby and my Cousin Laura. Mom forced me to watch and to compliment what Grandma had done.

Well, I finally had enough and blew my top. Grandma had bugged me about being sloppy and not taking my college interviews seriously. “Grandma, all you do is criticize anything and everything I do, while spoiling your granddaughters! This year you’ve gone overboard and I hate it!”

I grew up being told ‘hate’ was a word I was never to use and from Grandma’s reaction I know where mom got that. She got upset and blamed me. I insisted it was her fault!

Here it was Christmas Eve morning and Grandma had come the night before. It was her tradition that she’d give Darby and me each a gift today. If she gave us clothes, the tradition was we’d wear them, Christmas Eve, to the church service.

Well when Darby opened her gift, her outfit was beautiful. Something about Grandmother’s reaction indicated something was wrong. It wasn’t the outfit I remembered either, but I wasn't sure nor did I care.

My box was big like Darby’s. I was pretty sure it was either a suit or a new winter jacket. Hopefully the later and the one I wanted. Part of me hoped it wasn’t the jacket as I would feel compelled to forgive and thank my grandma.

I tore off the ribbon as well as the pretty paper and a plume of berry and vanilla wafted from the gift. That was common for clothes gifts from grandma. I wasn’t expecting what I found when I lifted off the top of the box.

There staring back at me was the prettiest dress of pink and glittering silver with white lace fringe. I was upset, to say the least, but I was also determined to give grandmother as little pleasure as possible. I went, kissed her on the cheek and took the gift, and ran up to my room.

I could hear my mother begin to question my Grandmother. Once in my room I hurried and locked my door and the bathroom door that led to Darby’s room. I was in no mood to have my feelings soothed or to be forced downstairs to give or hear any apology involving Grandma.

I decided to take a shower and relax with the shower drowning out the sounds of others. Mom was soon up to my room asking me to come in to talk to me. Well, I was still in the shower when Darby was knocking on her door. She too wanted to talk with me. Darby said, “Matt, Grandma made a mistake. But she’s still upset with whatever you said to her at Thanksgiving, but she’s sorry. Please don’t tare or wreck the dress it is too nice.”

I told her to leave me alone, but she was just obsessed with me not wrecking the precious dress. Finally, the shower blocked out everything else. I was thinking and finally laughed to myself, because of an idea that had come to me. I had decided upon my revenge and I set about doing all that I needed. I shampooed and conditioned my hair and used one of Darby’s special blower-brushes and then finished drying myself.

Once back to my room, I went to the Christmas gift. There was even more to the outfit than I thought. There were a pink panty and bra set. And like I hoped I was able to fit into all that was purchased for my sister or cousin Lara. With a little tissue in each cup, all I needed was some makeup. I neither had that nor any idea how to put it on without making a mess.

With my best girl’s voice, I called down, “I’m coming down and I need a little help.” I could see the feet of my dad, mom, sister, and grandma as I took the first step. I began to laugh to myself as I made my way down. Dad’s angered look quickly turned to an amused grin. Mom and Darby were surprised.

If Grandma was surprised, I couldn’t tell. I suspected she was as determined as I not to give in. “If you’re wanting me to call you Marti or Martha? You got a good start but you should be wearing the glimmering pantyhose I put in there. You also need some makeup and a better beautician to work on your hair.”

Without missing a beat, I began my retort, “Well, I felt it is too early for the pantyhose and I don’t have the desired makeup.”

With that, the doorbell rang and Darby said, “That must be your girlfriend Essie.”

Sure that she was joking, I remarked, “Tell whoever it is we ain’t need none.”

It was Essie and she corrected my English. “It should be, you don’t need ‘anything’. But from what I can see you’re a spoiled girl needing some big help. What gives?”

I tried to explain, but Essie wasn’t having it. “You were wrong to ever blow up at your Grandmother, whatever the circumstance. And Darby said this was an honest mistake. Whatever, all I see you continue to show you’re more stubborn than anybody I know.”

Grandma says, “I mixed up the gifts. Darby’s was to be for Laura and your dress was for Darby. But it's ruined now that you’re wearing it.”

“I don’t know,” Essie smiles, “Marti could make a convincing girl with a little help. We should get her out of her new Christmas outfit so we can work on her hair, makeup and accessorize her properly.”

I was ready to be as stubborn as Grandma and even go to church, but not if they were taking this seriously.

Mom said to me, “Matt apologize to your Grandmother for ruining the outfit, and let’s put this behind us.”

When I folded my arms, my Dad spoke up. “I have a better idea if Essie isn’t embarrassed and Grandma is willing to see her gift used at least once. Why doesn’t someone call around and see if we can get Marti a salon appointment?”

Darby, you will need to lend Marti another outfit so she can go with you to get a pair of dress shoes as well as go to her appointment.

Being in the school’s theater group, I act as if on key. “Sure Daddy dearest, I am willing to cooperate with you as long as you’re buying the shoes and jewelry.” My thought was to make it expensive enough to dissuade him.

My Dad quickly took out his wallet and gave his card to Darby. “Will a hundred dollars be enough for the shoes and earrings?”

Essie interrupts, “I checked, my hairdresser is willing to work her in at 1:30, but I ask that she gets a generous holiday tip for the favor!”

Darby yells at me, “Get you buns upstairs, we’re pressed for time and you need to get out of those clothes without damaging them.”

“Mom, she needs your help, whether she likes it or not. And do not let her break character.”

I’m scooting upstairs with Mom behind me. Essie is heading with Darby to her room. I can hear them talking about panties, bra…

Mom closes the door and says, “Stay calm Marti let me help with buttons, zippers, and slipping the clothing off.”

I said, “Mom, I was willing to apologize, but no one gave me room.”

“Matt… Marti, you’re the one who dug in her feet at each place you could have apologized. You like acting, now this will be your shining role. Maybe you can try for a woman’s role in the spring musical? Now, grin and decide to enjoy it.”

Darby opens the door, “Mom get her to put on these a bra, panty, pantyhose, and half-slip then call us in.”

I say, “No, this isn’t happening.”

My phone rings, I pick it up only to tell the person I can’t talk. Caller I.D. indicates it's Essie. “Matt, please calm down. Let’s count down… 10,9,8….3,2,1. I’m with you, let’s make a fun time of it. In the future all will laugh; if the explosion continues it will be a terrible Christmas for everyone. I love you.”

With a quiet voice I said, “I’m sorry, Mom, I’ll cooperate.” I take three more calming breaths. The idea of having Essie share this should make it a bearable experience.

I like the skirt and top, but the pantyhose troubles me. “Darby, it’s a little cold for pantyhose isn’t it?”

“Sis, I’m trying to have it as close to what you’re wearing tonight so we can choose the right shoes. Please suffer through it.” I shimmy up the pantyhose as Mom guides me in doing it properly, and I step into the half-slip. The sensation my legs were feeling was something wonderful like I never felt before. Stepping into the skirt is similar. Essie puts in a pair of cutlets in my bra, "They’re to give a girly shape." She topped it with a kiss. The blouse is a knit print with holiday colors in pastel shades. They compliment my slender figure. "Between being thin and the soft help to give you a little curve, you transform well.

I’m taken to Darby’s room and seated in front of a mirror and without asking they begin my makeup and brushing my hair. Darby’s doing my makeup and thanking me for being quiet. Essie asks, “Tonight do you want bangs or not? …I’m just sweeping it aside for now, but the beautician will need to know.”

They keep me so busy that I’ve seen only Picasso like snippets, nothing to go by. Essie’s done as my sister asks me to pout as she puts the finishing touches to my lips. She moves away and has me look into the mirror.

“I think we’re ready,” says my sister; as Essie hands me a purse with short straps…

Before I can move, Darby asks me my shoe size and smiles when I say an eight. It has usually brought teasing about me having small feet. This is the first time that it was to people's liking.

Darby is kneeled before me, opening a gray ankle boot with a two and a half-inch heel. “This is tall enough that you’ll want to take your time walking. They are fashionable.” Darby’s allowing me to wear a pair she presently likes and wears. “Do not go scuffing these or I will brain you.” She was nice enough to offer me a hand to help me stand.

I am delightfully surprised by the girl I see in the mirror. I’m not pretty as Darby or Essie, but it looks like we are friends about the same age…

To be continued...

This time I am at the top of the stairs stepping down when Grandma says, “Marti, you make a wonderful looking girl. If I knew this, I would have given you the dress intentionally. I am impressed with how you have handled this situation. You can mark my words, I will be eternally grateful.”

Things could have stopped right there and I wouldn’t have been any more pleased to be her grandson. Because of Essie, I looked forward to what was ahead.

Once on the main floor, Grandma and I were holding hands. “Nice, Marti, your gentle touch matches the young woman I see in front of me." Hugs included cheeks gracing the other along with air kisses. Mom’s expression says I had done well.

Grandma handed me a rolled-up check, “Don’t look at it now, but it’s yours. Spend it however you wish.” It went into the small purse I was given.

Darby, Essie, and I are going to a nearby department store. Darby says, “We want to make good use of our time, but we don’t need to buy anything right away. We’ll look at shoes, earrings, and an outfit for tomorrow?”

I try to interrupt, but Essie takes over the conversation. “Whatever we still need to do come 1:00 will have to wait until after the salon visit.”

We’re in a department store of a pedestrian mall. Darby has what she calls a swatch of the dress I was given. She lets me pick shoes and then shows me what the swatch looks like next to them.

It was after three shoes that I was catching on and I’m pleased when Essie and Darby both said I did gell. It was after some more that I realized ‘well’ wasn’t what they wanted. Darby says, “If we had time to deal with Amazon on-line, we’d save money. But we don’t and since Dad’s paying.” Christy's at one anchor store, Kate at the other and one-stop in between, we were trying on a silvery-white two and a half-inch heel with ankle straps that's for tonight. They buy me holiday socks for tomorrow.

I put my foot down, “There’s no tomorrow to this,” I said.

Darby says, “Grandma says, Laurie needs to see you and…” Essie speaks up, “7:00 a.m. mass with me and my family. If you give me a problem, we will go to the 6:00 a.m.service.”

I say, “What about what I want?”

Essie says, “With the salon experience and everything we buy, you’ll want time to enjoy it, Hopefully, two days will be enough.”

I pouted, “Making one day will be a minor miracle.”

I wear the shoes back to the car, and with trepidation into the salon. Essie introduces me to Hope. Hope says, “Marti, it is nice to meet you. Unless you need Essie or Darby holding your hand. I want this to be your experience. My understanding is that we’ll do your hair, a manicure, and a pedicure.” She makes sure I can use her tablet to look at pictures and more intently choose styles I like. “Essie suggested these three for you.” I look at them and the following pictures, there are two I like. I finally pick one.

“That is a very nice choice, but I’m going to suggest some hair extensions to give it body and to make it look like what you’re choosing.” She did ask my sister and Essie if they objected, which they did not.

It was funny watching the volume of my hair become fuller. Then my hair would be trimmed and rolled.

My feet were in a warm solution and Jalyn, a Thai woman, began working on my toes. “Your toenails need to be taken care of. Ja makes them look pretty.” She made me feel good by having them done. She spent time massaging my feet, she was identifying good skin from the harder or dry skin. She worked especially hard around my toes, heels, and the balls of my feet.

I was following Hope the most. She was amused by how I came to be there. “I commend you for relaxing Marti and deciding to enjoy your plunge into the festive holiday experience of a woman. You should have a girls’ time out to get the full enjoyment.” She handed pamphlets to both Essie and Darby.

I remarked to Hope that the strands she put in the hair seemed more numerous than twenty that was to be put into my hair. It had become so full. She smiled and said, “That extra was the holiday cheer that is in the ‘air.”

“A gift from Santa’s helpers?”

I was soon to go under a hairdryer, with some cheerful laughter going around me. Darby and Essie brought over three magazines we shared as I was under the hairdryer. Darby and Essie were making fun that I had trouble following their conversation under the dryer. I turned a page in the holiday flyer, “You two were talking about holiday outfits for me…” Then I pointed in the Kohls’ flyer with a red sparkly skirt and matching top with candy canes and snowflakes.

Quickly Darby asks, “What would be better white or green leggings?”

I say, “White, I wouldn’t want to be an elf.”

Essie was soon off on another errand as I noticed, Jalyn was now working on my left hand. She said, “I have to use artificial nails on index fingers you bite. You should relax, not bite.”

I asked, “Aren’t you embarrassed to do my nails?”

“No, in Thailand, a boy being a pretty girl is an art. We all have our place.”

Darby chimed in, “You help Matt look pretty as Marti,”

Ja, “Yes, but inside there needs to be the joy that is the mark of a good girl.”

Hope picks up the statement, “Your hair is dry, let’s see if how it looks gives you joy. You have the makings of a beautiful young woman.”

We waited until Jalyn was at a point she could stop. Once I was seated they got back to work. I watched in the mirror as my new hairstyle came together. It was like watching me be transformed into one of Essie’s friends. Yes, I would fit in well as another girl going to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service.

It was another twenty minutes for Hope to finish combing, and brushing my curls and waves into place. I complimented her, “I can’t believe the transformation of how I look.”

She said, “Much had to do with your selection and willingness to use the hair extensions. Your face's fine features add to how nice you look.”

“What do you mean by fine features?”

Hope says, “In your case with the dress they showed me. I darkened your cheeks here, to make your face look narrower. The dress I saw, Matt will be unimaginable. You could be a female friend or you could be a cousin of either one of these girls.”

I couldn’t yet see the change that Darby and Essie both plainly saw. Darby interjects, “You will be able to see it once you dress for church.”

That was the first I got to see my toenails painted. Jalyn took out the cushions from between my toes. “Your nails are dry but you should be very careful for the next thirty to sixty minutes.” Watching my fingernails being painted was surreal. “Essie and Darby, it is beginning to feel like I am in some girl’s body and I am looking out and watching all of this unfold.”

Essie says, “Tell us, we know it’s you, but you’ve changed so much even your voice. It has changed even since we left the house. It is like Marti is very different from Matt.”

To be continued...

I am wearing a pair of flip-flops as we are done and walking out. When I saw Darby paying the bill I was aghast. She and Essie smiled, “Be thankful they know Essie and that you’re not at a major salon. We even gave Jalyn and Hope each nice holiday tips.”

I said, “Before they helped us; I thought they looked like they were starting to get tired. Then they came to life and were happy and energized.”

Darby says, “I am sure they are fatigued. It’s all part of a busy holiday season and many of their customers are rushed, tired, not always at their best… You were probably a welcome change. Hope was surprised when you chose to have your hair done completely. We were glad you went with a soft perm, but it will last most of this week. I suspect your long hair will be curvy for a while longer.”

I was sure they were trying to get me flustered into believing them. I was relaxed, which surprised them but neither I nor they said anymore. Essie informed me she had purchased my holiday outfit for tomorrow along with extra accessories which included my bra, several sets of panties, and pantyhose.

When we got home Darby checked and waved us in so I could scoot undetected upstairs with Essie. Essie helped me to put on pantyhose under my skirt and then my new shoes. While Darby was announcing we were home. Grandma, my mother, my father, and even Triggs our cat came to see.

Grandma was the impatient one, “So wave them in, I want to see how your new sister looks. Does she make a reasonable girl?… How did he do at the salon… Did you find shoes that will go nicely with her dress tonight?”

“Okay, I’ll wave them in, and then you can see for yourself.” Darby went to the door opened it and waved like it was a signal to us.

Anticipating everyone was watching the door, Essie brought me to the top of the stairs; asking me to slowly walk down after everyone noticed me.

I spoke up in Marti’s voice, “Why are you looking for me there?”

Everyone turned and looked up as I casually came walking down. I walked up to Grandma, “Grandma, thank you for the dress.”

I stepped over to my father, “Daddy, thank you for treating me to the salon and getting these lovely shoes. Darby and Essie said the salon trip included a manicure and pedicure. I hope you don’t mind?” I kissed him on the cheek and moved to Mom. “Mommy, how do I look? I hope you are pleased, I’m trying to be a good girl. I guess I’m going to mass with Essie tomorrow morning. They even bought me a holiday outfit for tomorrow so cousin Laurie could see where her dress went. I said, 'I could give her the dress then', but Darby’s sure she wouldn’t want it after I've worn it.”

Dad with controlled discontent, said, “Nice joke. Where’s Matt and who’s playing your transformed sister? She doesn’t even look anything like Matt.”

Grandma says, “Matt would be doing an academy award performance if he is her. I’ve seen him act, and there’s no trace of his acting.”

Essie and Darby have differing expressions as they begin to giggle. Darby says, “Seriously, that’s Marti. It’s like a new persona has washed over her as she experiences the salon time. She helped to pick out this outfit and chose her hairstyle even agreeing to extensions for her hairdo.”

Mom said, “Matt would never have agreed to have a permanent. That won’t be gone come to the end of tomorrow. Had he agreed to stay as Marti through New Year’s Eve?”

My expression changed with her statement. “That is you, isn’t it Matt? I see a glimpse of the boy I raised.” Mom looked me up and down, “O my, what a transformation, young lady. And I do mean lady.”

Grandma stepped up to look at Matt and my father. Neither was fully sure but was accepting that my Mom could see me.

I stayed in character as Marti and we shared our experiences. Mom and Grandma both checked my index nails and saw they were capped with acrylic nails and shaped to conform with my other fingernails.

Mom escorted me to her room for a private talk, but Grandma nosed in as well. Mom and I sat on the edge of the bed; Mom holding one of my hands. Grandma had turned the vanity chair to sit facing us.

Mom took a breath, “Matt, don’t be upset but I feel I need to ask. Does this mean, you like being a girl?”

I am caught by surprise by the question, and I look to Grandma wondering if she too considers it seriously. “No, Mom, I hadn’t even thought of it. I thought you’d be happy. I relaxed as you said and I decided to go with the flow and enjoy it.”

Mom sighed in relief and then began to talk more as a mom. “I can’t believe you made such a dramatic change. It is as though you are Marti. You look like you could be a relation to either Darby or Essie.”

“I know Mom, Hope said the same thing.”

Mom asked, “Would you be willing to put on an apron and help me in the kitchen? Be careful not to damage your nails and please change out of your shoes until you dress for church.”

We were heading out of the room and Grandma said, “I do think I gave the gift to the correct granddaughter. While you were out, your mother helped me to get one for Laurie as well. If anything she’ll probably think hers is the best as each of you should.” Marti hoped so.=^_^=~
Now as it got closer to the service time and as Marti started to get dressed, she became more nervous. ‘I don’t want to mess things up, but strangely I’m more excited this Christmas than I have been in years.” Before the Christmas Eve service, I was dressing to be beautiful like my sister. Laurie stopped to see if there was a dress for her. She hadn’t seen Marti, instead, she was in with Darby. Marti can hear them laughing and talking.

Marti is dressed as much as she can but needs Darby’s help with makeup and checking her hair. Marti knocks on the door asking for Darby’s help with her makeup.

Laurie’s the one opening the door, “Hello, I’m Darby’s cousin and who are you? It looks like you’re going to church with us. Come on in a friend of Darby’s is okay with me. I’ll just quickly step into my dress to be decent; maybe you can help with the zipper. I can reach everything it just takes a longer solo.”

Marti had seen her in as little during the summer at the beach but might be treading on thin ice here. He saw glimpses of Darby in her walk-in closet. Darby finally looked up and saw Laurie.

Darby steps out and asks, “Marti have you introduced yourself?” She turns to Laurie, “This is the surprise we alluded to before. Marti’s going to church with us and Grandma wants a picture of the three granddaughters together?”

“Three! Three grandchildren and how does Marti make a third granddaughter?” Laurie’s looking me up and down, “There’s a possible resemblance, but how, by whom?”

I ask her to be seated for a moment and she looks back and forth between Darby and me. I can hear someone coming up the stairs, knowing it has to be our mom or Aunt Cassandra.

Darby says, “This is Matt. It started this morning with him getting my gift and making a fool of himself. That resulted in being Marti in this scrambled Christmas mess. His girlfriend Essie and I were able to get him to a salon and go the whole nine yards, whatever that means?”

Laurie’s face moved from one expression to another as we explained more fully. Her mother sat enthralled next to her, but was all smiles from the ‘get-go’. Seemingly Mom and Grandma had already told her what happened.

Darby soon emptied the room except for Essie and Laurie. Laurie was to do my makeup this time, as my hair was all but done. I spoke, “I’m nervous this dress is shorter than I thought and this is for real.”

Laurie by now thought I was cute in doing this; Essie and Darby were both sure I wasn’t turning back. “You need to relax Marti, being calm, and enjoying the night will go a long way to passing as a girl and having great memories. You never know, you might start a growing trend for next year.” That got us to giggle and me to get back into being Marti.

The next time with makeup finished, hair all in place, and my 2 ½” heels I was ready for the stairway one more time. Most of the way down the four of us girls stopped and posed for a group picture. Come, the last step Darby, Laurie, and I posed in our dresses with Grandma. We were able to fit in two vehicles without squishing ourselves and wrinkling our outfits. I had trouble stopping myself from wanting to hold Essie’s hands or hugging her. There were only two steps or a ramp into the church. Greetings were being extended all around with some asking where Matt was. Those who knew our family looked at me in wonder. I heard Darby, Essie, and Mom suggesting they visit after church.

I looked around and saw many girls I knew as friends for a long time. I said hi and knew their name and family. Michelle, a close friend was there and whispered to me, “Matt, what’s with being Marti and being all girlied up?” Michelle came with her family but soon was with a friend sitting in front of us.

The only thing I could think of was we were in the drama group and she was able to recognize me. Twice during church, I would hear her remark about my singing or what I did.

Essie was next to me with Darby and Laurie on the other side. We smiled, sang Christmas hymns, and sat quietly at other times. I wondered during the candle lighting and singing Silent Night if my face glowed as brightly as other girls, Essie looked angelic.

During prayer, I felt somehow comfortable about being accepted, my God. I included a quiet prayer for others to be comforted by God’s love for them. I knew I had a new appreciation for others who felt left out.

Once outside after church, the snow on the ground blew a little and some frost on the trees blew down muffling the sound of the world.

With no fewer than seven to eight girls around us, Darby introduces me, “This is my sister Marti after New Year’s you’ll know her again as Matt.” The gasps could be heard like the sucking air around us. Mom turned from where she was, and she knew the news had been shared. Two of her close friends, Mrs. Havers and Ms. Wild soon extended greetings to me, as did most of my friends. Jake, like a few, was sure I was another girl pretending to be me in disguise.

The time standing out there seemed longer than it was. It was long enough for my toes and legs to become colder. We were leaving when a girl home from college stopped me. “Thanks for coming, Marti, please, accept this from me. She took off a necklace and placed it around my neck. “Have a blessed Christmas.” I knew Tamara and liked her though we rarely would visit.

Essie half complimented me on the nice necklace while teasing me that I had a second lover. We both thought it was funny that I was accepted as another girl. We even talked about how the conversation was rather normal for girl talk and not centered on me. Essie and two girlfriends exchanged reminders of the coming week. Who was going skiing or to this party or another event? Invitations were extended to Marti for two of the parties one exclusively for girls…

To be continued

Once back to the house, Uncle Bennett greeted us with holiday drinks and a warm fire in the fireplace. The drink for us girls was mostly fruit juices with an ounce of fruity wine. Chairs around the fireplace were two deep. Darby presented me with a gift as did Essie. Darby’s was a robe and nightgown for tonight. Essie’s gifts were the holiday outfit we saw at Kohls a red glittery skirt and a top with snowmen and candy canes.

“I’m not wearing another girly outfit tomorrow.”

Essie said, “It is so your cousin Laurie can see you as a girl. Please be a good sport for me. I wouldn’t want you to turn down my Christmas gift.”

Too soon we were saying good night to the Goods and I was saying goodnight with Essie. She reminded me the Christmas morning service would come all too quickly.

I now had the experience of removing makeup and moisturizing my face under the watchful eyes of my sister. Darby and I were sharing the bathroom as best we could with me mimicking her as I did my own makeup removing. She and my Mom did the task of pinning up my hair and warning me to leave it alone for the night.

Mom spent time with me, we talked about my behavior that started the day and surprising how a great day unfolded… Mom said, “I was surprised you were given the wrong gift and how you became very upset in your response. I thought it was going to be a terrible Christmas… and your changing into the dress made all the worse.”

“If it weren’t for Essie coming at that time and her giving her uninvited opinion; it would have been a disaster. But then again, I saw her idea of me staying a girl as a joke. I thought Dad would get angry; giving me an excuse for blowing up.” Dad not blowing up and the idea of Essie helping me to be a girl for the day changed the direction of everything. There was no way I could have imagined getting to today and impersonating two famous women singers.” Mom and I giggled until it was finally time to sleep.

“I’ll be waking you up around five. I’ve checked and rehung up your dress for tomorrow. You took good care of it this evening, I was very impressed. Wear different stockings and change your makeup just enough to change your look a little. I think Darby will get up to help you do that. I have a little bit of stitchery for you to wear on your head tomorrow if they still have that custom.”

I was exhausted and quickly fell asleep but my mind was active. I didn’t remember much of my dreams, there were some reflections of the day. One thing frightened me but I didn’t remember it. I dreamt Marti woke cuddled in Essie’s arms. It frightened me that she’s my strength. The idea we might be mutually equal and that I’m soft and warm too was a welcoming feeling.

Early church services, the need to hurry and get ready. Usually, Matt would decide he didn’t have time for another shower, but his Mom said it was not an option. He was in, out, but I needed to be fresh-smelling and clean as well as awake and energized. The clean panty was welcome along with feeling snug inside it. I was given stockings that clung to my legs, and temporarily drove Marti’s new psyche wild. The dress was on over the stockings, light makeup, different jewelry, and a lace cloth pinned on my head gave Marti a different appearance. Darby was up and ready as the Stonecrofts stopped to pick Marti up for mass.

Matt’s not religious so services close together, last night and early this morning would have been a little much, if not for Essie. But sharing the experience, the incense, like perfume, touched off a mystical sensation, along with themes like light and dark, good news for a troubled world. The pronouncement of peace for all.

People did not linger after mass only one person suspecting there was more to know Matt as Marti. Knowing it was Judy whom they hoped the news would not spread.

It was barely after seven and they were already dropping Marti off at home

Usually, it would have meant clothes sprawl around the room and Matt back in bed. This time, the dress was carefully taken off, it had brought Marti through a new life passage. She wasn’t a girl, but no longer just Matt. He delighted in the stockings and even took time to dance with stocking-clad legs and with her hand taking the time to discover their softness.

The white tights and the holiday outfit of a red sparkly skirt of snowflakes, along with the top of snowman and candy canes went on along with a single strand of a tinsel-like string with many small sparkly pieces as a necklace. Darby put bright red and white bows into her hair. She had Marti set for the day.

His Mom told him Matt’s gifts would wait until after 6 p.m. They had made some quick gifts so Marti would be part of opening gifts now.

Cousins Case and Laurie arrived with their parents Aunt Cassandra and Uncle Lance Miller. Case started in on Marti giving his cousin a hard time but broke off from that with a nudge from Laurie. “Hey Dude the frills become you, but don’t wait for me to join in,” he said and then stepped away.

Everyone enjoyed the brunch, Laurie and Darby, the moms and grandma looked festive along with Marti. Laurie, Darby, and Marti share a splash of Sugar Plum spray to fill the air as they move around with the gifts. They’re to find the gift and present them to the proper person in order. Marti instead of resisting jumped into the fray with delight. Gifts this year first went to Grandma; then the granddaughters, grandson, and then the parents. Come Marti’s turn the wrapped box was a different shape for him, it would be Marti’s first doll, one of Darby’s that had never been played with. Marti knew she was a Sara and gladly received her. Darby was all smiles as she watched Marti hug the doll.

Matt hadn’t seen anything special about a grandparent’s pendant for grandma until she opened it and she hugged them both. “Do you two understand how precious this is?” She smiled, words and warm smile spoke to Marti’s emerging heart.

“Thanks, Sis for including me,” she as Marti said to Darby.

Marti’s second gift was three pairs of panties, shields hidden in two camisoles, all soft pastel colors. She knew it was to help keep her in character as Marti.

Laurie, Case, and Darby got their larger gifts. Darby upon receiving a new winter coat handed off her old school coat to Marti. It would be pretty and adequate for the coming week if she stayed in girl mode.

Lastly, Marti received a new outfit from Mom and Aunt Cassandra's pink, yellow, and white skirt with a complementing top. It was a medium length skater skirt that Darby gleefully deemed great for bowling. The three-quarter sleeve top went with it.

An emotional dam burst as Marti ran upstairs to cry in the bathroom. This was code to Darby and Mom that he/she was open to their presence. Marti/Matt trusted them that he could share these overwhelming, joyful emotions. “Mom, Sis, these are happy feelings. I am overwhelmed by how you guys are making this such a neat experience. Aren’t you freaked out by my liking this even a little?”

Six decorated hands folded together, four bright eyes looking back at him/her. Darby says, “Matt, I know you’re there, but I’m so happy to see you enjoying this time as Marti. You would never have enjoyed this as much clothed in your manhood.”

“Dido daughter of mine, I’m not afraid of losing Matt, no way. But you’re usually tightly strung like a hard elastic ball. I am so glad Essie encouraged this and didn’t let Marti getaway to change back.”

There was a call up to us if we were okay; Darby helped me to fix my makeup. I did need to use the toilet and get myself fixed again in my feminine gaiety.

The others apologized if I felt hurt; it was nice that Mom and Darby knew the truth and the others were pleased when I returned.

Before six o’clock when Essie was to come over, I received a text I was to come over to her house. Her cousin Julie was there and they wanted me to meet her. I went but was afraid I’d meet someone who didn’t understand what I was doing.

It couldn’t have been further from reality. Julie was her cousin Joel, and boy did he know how to present as a woman. He’s a female impersonator and his interest in me was because Essie said I could sing like a woman. Singing like one singing today was one thing, unlike Julie/Joel, we were not very accomplished. He was better doing Barbara Streisand, Judy Garland, and Mama Cass. While able to sing like Cheryl Crowe, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, and even more recent singers on the internet. My problem was I couldn’t project like most of them. Julie said to me, “That’s where a sound person comes in and I happen to have one.”

I could tell Mr. Stonecroft was not amused, but we weren’t serious and others enjoyed singing Christmas carols and hymns with famed female artists. Essie’s older sister had given to Essie two lightly worn outfits, one a dress and the other a skirt and blouse. That she rewrapped as Marti’s gift. I also received my first gifts as Matt. One was a gift certificate from her parents for a dress pair or pair of fitted jeans.

It was nice to meet Joel but see him dressed as Julie for Christmas. He’s to sing at the Rendezvous all this weekend. It was to start with his opening show on Thursday; hopefully to great revues to boost the weekend crowds.

I was told, Mr. Stanwell was decidedly happy when we both left at 9. I would have liked to stay longer. I knew better if her Dad was going to see Marti again. I did get to show Essie a picture of me in my new skater outfit. She too saw it as something I could wear for bowling. I figured Essie and Darby were teaming up together.

The Millers were staying the night at our house with my aunt and uncle using Darby’s room and cousin Case using my room. We had moved Marti’s stuff over to Darby’s closet for safe-keeping. The three of us girls had blankets, comforters, and pillows galore on chairs, cushions, and couches in our family room. It was to be my first and last girls’ sleepover. It was 10:30 that I knew Essie was invited too.

We wouldn’t be allowed to sleep together, but that wasn’t the point. I got to have a girls' sleepover with her as part of it. I did have to put up with endless girl talk and what they liked in guys. While I was not a macho guy, I did fairly well in how they saw me as Matt.

Come morning there was a family brunch before the Millers headed out without Laurie. She wanted a few days with her girl cousins. I had gone to shower and had set out a set of Matt’s clothes. The bathroom door opening and closing was the precursor to discovering one of the outfits from Essie’s sister.

I did get to open Matt’s gifts before the Millers left. I had received the winter coat I wanted and a used car. It was a five-year-old Rav4 which boded well for holding up and looking good.

Uncle Lance had brought it with him the day before and parked it in a neighbor’s driveway. Learning to drive it in girl's shoes and with fingernails, changed things a little. It was not the way I wanted my first picture taken driving it.

I had tried once to brush out some curls, and I quickly learned it only hurt my appearance not the notion I was a girl. I drove Essie, my sister, and cousin Laurie as they were looking for bargains and exchanging what wasn’t right for them.

I had no intention of shopping. It was the second store that Darby surprised asking me which work-out set I liked. I saw one that I thought was special and told her. She and Laurie told me I had to try it on. I said, “I wasn’t saying I wanted it?”

Darby insisted it was to be for me. The other two agreed and all insisted I try them on. The two-tone legs and tight around my buns and a snug top caused me to look like another girl. I guess that was their design.

It was covered by one gift certificate, but I knew I wouldn’t see Essie’s mom excited about it.

Being with them and feeling like I was one of the girls was exhilarating. We were caught up in girl talk, to the extent I was tempted to see guys as they did. I thought that was funny, but didn’t tell them. I knew better what some guys would think of their attention. When we sang a Christmas song; Essie encouraged me to sing it like Taylor Swift. It took some thought and effort, but the others liked my finished project. When Essie said she’d tell her cousin Julie; the others knew the implications. Though I swore, I wasn’t going to sing with Joel. I knew they had other thoughts.

Laurie knew the club where Joel was to sing and said, “If you sing on Thursday it would be to a small, friendly crowd. Even I would sing along.” 'Yeah, but she wouldn’t be standing up in front of the crowd.'

They started another Christmas song, I couldn’t name the artist but I remembered her song and her sound, Cousin Laurie laughed, “Gee, Marti you nailed that one! How precious.”

There were more, but ‘O Holy Night’ by Carrie Underwood stood out to the others as a song I did exceedingly well.

We took Essie to her house and then went home. Mom was on the phone laughing and telling someone a wonderful time and again. Once off the phone, she said, “That was Essie telling me the wonderful time you four had and how good my youngest daughter is at singing.”

Grandma got a chance to see some of the video mom received from Essie. She had recorded more than I knew. Grandma asked, “Are you going to sing if her cousin says it is good enough? Surely, you would; you’ll even have more time to practice the songs and polish it up some before Thursday night.”

“Just think,” Dad said, “You might even be able to earn some extra money for college or get a scholarship for singing.”

“Not funny Dad!” Matt’s voice cut through. I wanted to go stomping off and sulk in my room, but I wasn’t going to give anyone the satisfaction of getting to me…

To be continued...

Mom took me with her to their room. “Do we need to pull the plug on Cinderella and let Matt surface? I can help with taking the makeup off and you can wear your Dad’s robe to go up and change out of these clothes. I'll take responsibility for the decision.”

I shook my head emphatically, ‘No.’ Something inside of me was sure I didn’t want to do that. “No, I just need some time and space to decide for myself. If I decide to do it; it needs to be my decision… Mom, it was funny that I was able to get those voices down and sing along with the others… I doubt if Joel would want a younger guy cutting in on his turf, even if I was good enough?”

Later, Cousin Laurie came and said, “You must be practicing those three songs and artists. Ask your mother, for permission to go with us to the Rendezvous and possibly sing.”

After I went to my bedroom, Mom came up. I guess she wanted to be supportive, but it including encouragement if helpful. “Matt, you know if you want to sing as Marti at the Rendezvous you’d have our blessing. It needs to be what you want and not because the pressure was put upon you. Your Aunt, Uncle, Dad, and I have heard Julie over a year ago and she puts on a good show. I found it interesting that a guy could be so convincing like Julie was that night.”

I said, “But Mom didn’t it gross you out to see a guy in drag?”

She half-heartedly giggled, “No more than seeing you the past few days. You make a pretty convincing girl, but I know it’s the same you.”… “I swear, I could see you as Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood. I might be prejudice but I thought you changed your voice pretty well to sound like each of them. If you want I know some places that might have some cheap gowns this time of year. We could go looking tomorrow morning so we wouldn’t cut into your fun with the others.”

While I wasn’t interested in singing in front of people, 'trying on slinky dresses kind of excited me. I wasn’t ready to tell my mom that I was excited about crossdressing. Essie has been pushing me, but what if I told her I liked it?'

Mom was texting someone and I asked who? Mom said let’s go downstairs and I’ll tell you. I cleaned my face and made sure it was presentable. And then I joined mom and the others downstairs. “So who were you texting?”

Mom drew me to the side, “Quiet, you don’t want everyone knowing and going with us. …I text Essie, thinking you’d want her along. And she’s said yes. We’ll pick her up by 8 o’clock and then get some breakfast and be ready for the store when it opens.”

“Mom, you’re not expecting me to go to breakfast as Marti, are you?”

Mom said, “You don’t want Matt to be the one trying on the dresses, do you?” I wasn’t thinking that far ahead. “If you dress properly, with your makeup done lightly; you’ll only be seen as Marti.”

I got a text and checked my phone it was a smiley face from Essie. “Julie said if the dresses and you look good; he’ll have a spot for you Thursday. He already likes your voices.”

Laurie, Darby, and I go to another room watching a girl flick. We’re talking during much of the movie. Laurie begins to giggle, “I can’t believe how much of a girl you’ve become Marti.”

Darby is sitting up next to me, “Purse your lips?” I did and she painted them a luscious red. She asked me to make different faces as a girl. Again I did as asked and the two enjoyed it. They gave me tips and showed me some pics of Taylor, Underwood, and others. They encouraged me to wet my lips before I took a sip of water, as not to leave lipstick on the glass.

‘I wondered did they know, how much I was coming to enjoy all of the attention and small things I was learning?’

Laurie goes under my skirt and pinches my leg, “Keep them together young lady.” I quickly closed my legs. I was partly angry at her, but I knew I should apologize or thank her. I brought my legs together and did none of the above.

I was surprised by the boutique that Mom or Darby found some dresses and outfits that were more costume types, while others were seconds or mildly used. Looking at pictures Darby had on her tablet, we found two dresses that would fit the bill. Essie sent a picture of one to Julia; who jokingly said we should buy one in her size.

“Which one should I get,” I asked?

Essie, Mom, and Darby all looked at me like I said something crazy. Mom said, “We’re getting both plus a long slip for the dress and a short half-slip for the Taylor Swift outfit.”

I spoke up, “You don’t expect me to change clothes between songs?” I was assured if there was a time that was necessary it was as a female impersonator. I learned since they even had more plans than that.

Essie said, “You’ll feel better in singing as Taylor Swift in an outfit more fitting your image of her. Plus, when you let down your hair in the long gown, you are much more convincing as Carrie.”

Mom took me to a department store, insisting I needed to get a pair of large hoops or dangling earrings. “You pick out two pairs you like and I’ll get you a pair of each. They can be changed as part of the show.”

I literally stomped down my foot, “I didn’t say for sure I was singing!”

Mom said, “We just paid some good money for shoes, clothes, and the slips. You already agreed to sing and enjoy doing so. You will need to practice your songs again today and tomorrow morning along with selecting another song of Underwood, Swift, or another female singer.”

We went home where I needed not only to practice my songs but dress and do my hair and makeup as each woman. I was singing my third time through when I stepped in front of a mirror. I was tickled to see myself dressed and singing as Taylor Swift. It struck me that they’re much slimmer than me. I made the mistake of saying so.

You know Matt, there are things you can do as Marti to slim down. It was then that they introduced me to a body shaper. They had bought it without my knowing.

Darby and Laurie pushed me into my room with Laurie saying, “Don’t come out without it on or we’ll be in there to help put it on you.”

I started to say something smart like, “I’ll lock my door first.”

With that, they opened the door enough to put something in the way. I relented as I actually wanted to see how it would look. I got it up my legs and barely over my rear; then I needed help. Once it was on, I noticed my waist shrunk and it pushed up some fat to add the look of breasts.

After my dress practice Wednesday evening, I changed into a skirt and blouse of Darby’s to eat pizza with the others. My stomach didn’t feel like I had any room, but I was hungry.

Darby took me to our bathroom and showed me how to remove my makeup. I resisted using a moisturizer until they insisted it was just for tonight and tomorrow after the show.

Thursday morning, I intended to practice singing once through the songs. I ended up singing for over an hour. Mom played some songs by Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Carrie, and others. I would hum or sing along as I knew them, but mostly I was listening.

Finally, I asked my mom, “How can someone ever really copy them; they’re so good?”

She sat me down, “If ever you get a chance, like tonight. You just do the best you can and try enjoying it. If you do that people will enjoy themselves and like what you’ve done.”

Essie and my mother took me to Essie’s salon and Hope did my makeup for being in front of bright lights. It was the first time I learned it needed to be different so the lights didn’t wash out my look. The first was to look like Taylor Swift. Then Hope showed Essie and my Mom what to do to help me to change my appearance over to that of Carrie.

I chimed in, “I can do it.” Hope’s gaze was one of amusement. Essie said, “Don’t take offense but no you can’t, not yet at least.” What she meant by, ‘not yet at least.’

I watched as Hope explained what to do and while it did not seem like anything extraordinary. I understood it took a special touch. We soon packed what we needed and left the salon. We veiled my ‘Taylor Swift’ like appearance with a scarf, it’s touch was light and merely glided over my makeup without messing it.

We were to meet Julia early at the club. She wanted to both see me and my outfits and to hear me sing as each artist. Julia greeted Essie with an air-kiss to each cheek and a light hug. He thank my mother for allowing me to be here. I drew back and took off the scarf. Julia’s expression was followed by, “Oh my you are darling… Taylor Swift might be jealous.”

Julia allowed us to relax, hang my clothes, and settle in. When she saw my hair and my crochet and lace dress she asked for my CDs and picked out Swift’s one Last Christmas and once I was ready, I began singing there backstage. It was the second song that I began to feed off of Julia, Essie, and mom’s presence. Julia said afterward that I did better with each song. She said she would have me start singing as Swift with O Holy Night with her Julia and then have me continue with two of her songs. I would be invited to sing as Carrie during another portion of her show.

I kept apologizing that Essie had probably pressed Julia to allow me to sing. I was sure I would come across as a poor amateur who shouldn't be there.

We had a chicken salad sandwich and a small glass of Seven-up. Mom and Essie watched over me to make sure I didn’t spill anything on my clothes or hurt my makeup. I had to stay out of sight as the people were seated and when Julia’s show started. Then I sat in the back and off to the side without making a sound.

My cue was when Julia said, “I want to sing a song with one of you.” Then she said, “Oh my Taylor Swift will you please come on up.” She started to sing, O Holy Night as I grabbed a microphone. I let her sing a few lines before I came in as Taylor Swift. There was applause for both of us. I could hear a few positive whispers about my clothes, appearance, and especially my voice sounding like Taylor. Some knew of Taylor’s Christmas album as I broke into Last Christmas You Broke My Heart. I was nearing the end of Santa Baby when the applause began and grew. I was overwhelmed and was ready to cry, but I knew I couldn’t. Julia came out saying. “That’s little Marti Carstens, she’ll be back later if you’d like.” I walked off stage to more applause. I was surprised to see Hope from the salon.

“I just had to come and hear you,” she said. “You were fantastic but we need to get you changed and ready to be Carrie.” I was there in a changing room; mom and Hope were with me as I undressed and put on the long white dress with silver accents to be Carrie Underwood. Hope quickly changed my hairstyle taking out some of the curls and made it the wavy flowing hair more Carrie’s style. My facial expressions changed as I practiced switching to Carrie’s voice.

When I looked up and smiled; it was as though Carrie was singing back to me. I said, “Mommy, I don’t know if I can do this.”

Mom calmly said, “You are doing very well Honey. I believe you can.”

“Mom, I was caught by surprise, I was going to sing ‘O Holy Night’ for Carrie.” Julia heard the end of what I said as he had taken a break. Joel said he was sorry, “I was going to be asked for another song, and planned for that one to be “Jesus Take the Wheel.”

Without thinking, I said, “There’s ‘Before He Cheats, What Child is This, and Do you Hear What I Hear.”

He said, “If you’d let me begin with one song and welcome Carrie you could sing those, and I’ll be back up encouraging you to sing one more. You should start and close with upbeat songs and use her melodious voice to sing the two Christmas standards.”

He excused himself to change and to notify the sound person of the songs and then refresh his makeup. It turned out Julia did two songs as one singer and would change again while I was singing. It was now after 10 o’clock when I sang again and my singing as Carrie was well received.

‘Before He Cheats’, perked the audience up and was good time Underwood. ‘What Child Is This’ and ‘Do You Hear, What I Hear’ came across beautifully more like prayers. I hoped people did not see my goosebumps as I was closing the last song.

Julia came back on and asked me to sing another Christmas song and I acted like Jesus Take the Wheel had nothing to do with Christmas and then I said, “O Yes, that trip was on Christmas Eve.” The song began and the college boys, who helped park cars, were in by the bar when I began to sing. Those who liked the Christmas songs, liked it because it was a prayer of desperation and faith. I received a standing ovation. A bouquet of flowers was the last thing I expected, but it resonated with me and I loved it.

Once off stage and back to where I could sit, I cried. Hope said, “I sure hope those are happy tears.”

I responded, “I never knew there could be happy tears, but yes they are. I’m nervous because I don’t think this can be real, or that I did that. But I loved it.”

Hope helped me change into my regular girl clothes and helped to take off my stage makeup and put on a new face. We could hear Julia and she was doing well. I was changed and sitting back with Hope in the crowd. I was impressed, Julia is such a professional performer.

People that left with the end of the program came over to congratulate me. The crowd was split whether I was a girl or a boy. Essie stood up saying, “I like my girlfriends but I don’t kiss them. This is my boyfriend.” With that, she gave me a big hug and a kiss.”

“Um, I like your lips like that sweetie,” Essie said. “Wait until the next time…”

To be continued…

Marti confesses, “That was fun, but I think once was enough. You should have felt the rush I had getting that applause and feeding off the audience as I sang. I know I didn’t sound that close to either one, but I felt like I did.”

She turns to Darby, “I know you’ve imagined yourself as Taylor Swift and as Carrie Underwood. I feel like I understand a little of what you felt.”

Essie speaks up, “What do you mean, you did really well. Hope had you made-up real well for both Carrie and Taylor. I was very surprised by how much you sounded and gestured like each of them.”

Darby says, “Don’t tell us that you didn’t enjoy singing and being either of those beautiful women?” I guess an expression that came onto my face showed even that thought tickled my fancy.

My biggest disappointment was that Essie went home with her parents and I went home with my family. Grandma, who would be going home in the morning, was happy for me. “When we get back to your house Matt, I have your Christmas gift. I want to thank you for being so good this Christmas. You made what could have been a terrible time, extra special. I will never forget this Christmas.”

I hugged her and we laughed as my makeup rubbed off on her a little. She asked, “How do you like being cute?”

My Grandmother is no old fuddy-duddy; she’s in her sixties but as Mom says she looks to be in her forties. “Your Grandfather might have had trouble with this, but I think it is super a boy gets to experience the other side. That you did well as a female impersonator should have added to the fun of it all… I was wondering if you might come and visit me so we might go out for lunch or dinner sometime with you as Marti.
I don’t think you’re going to remain Marti, but I saw a glow in you that indicated you might like to crossdress again.” Grandma waits for me to respond. I know my mother is close and may have been able to hear the question. I look to her.

Mom says, “As she said, we saw the sparkle in your eyes. We’d be naïve if we thought you wouldn’t consider it. Would you be interested in singing again as you did at the show?”

“Wait a minute, one question at a time,” I said. “Being out with Grandma near her place might be fun. I’ve always been jealous of Darby and doing that with her. It might be fun but I don’t want to embarrass you, Grandma.”

“Regarding singing as a girl again, maybe after people know that I’m not a girly boy."

Essie whispered “You should consider it for the spring variety show at school. Otherwise, no.”

The breast forms are still attached as I showered and got ready for bed. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a turn-on. Wearing protection to keep my hair dry was different. Darby waited until I was all ready for bed before she called me to her room to talk.

She was connected with Essie and Darby’s friend Hadley. It was Hadley’s first time seeing me as Marti and she giggled as expected. Darby and Essie shared in telling the story of my temper tantrum and how everything unfolded.

Hadley seriously asked, “So have you always been transgender and are only now being open about it?”

The question embarrassed me and she saw my shock. “You looked surprised. I didn’t say it to be mean. You make a surprisingly good looking girl. When you were a freshman you were in the musical and sing as one of the younger girls in the Sound of Music, didn’t you?”

Flustered I replied, “Yes, but I’m just having fun. I am not a girl; my sister and Essie can both vouch for that!”

Hadley looks to Darby; I forgot Essie was connected, “Darby says you’ve been dressed like a girl since Christmas Eve.”

I say, “That’s because they suggested I remain a girl on Christmas Day, and well it would have been a hassle to be changing back and forth. I have since decided to wait until New Year’s Day to get back to wearing my clothes again.”

She says, “Interesting I guess we’ll see.

Friday was a different morning from the start as Mom woke me before seven. “Matt, you should get up and get into the shower or bath early. You should shave your legs if you’re wearing the skater skirt to go bowling. And you want to be in and out before your sister or cousin get into the bathroom.”

“Mom, should I quit this charade? Last night Hadley thought I was wanting to be a girl. I don’t want people to think things like that.”

“Well, Matt,” Mom says, “Word is already out that you’ve been dressing as a girl. Changing now is as likely to be seen as you trying to hide something. You might as well stay as Marti and show them you’re not embarrassed by what they think. You’ll be back to being yourself when school starts back up.”

“Take one of your sister’s new razors to get a nice smooth shave. Whether you wear leggings or pantyhose your legs will be thankful.” Mom is about to leave me alone to do what I choose when she turns at the door. “You’re not worried for yourself are you?” She smiled and closed the door behind her when I indicated I was okay.

I decided to take a quick bath and to use some of Darby’s bath oils. I enjoy the experience of shaving my legs one last time. Moving my hands over my legs to make sure they were smooth was as wonderful as pulling up stockings or leggings.

I was halfway through brushing out my hair when Darby and Laurie were both wanting to go to the toilet or use the shower.

I asked if I could use their room to finish as was told I needed to wait until after breakfast. I unlocked the entrance from Darby’s room and asked them to wait until I was back in my room. I heard Darby do a quick count to five as she was opening the door.

Essie was over by one as we went to meet a group of girls to see the Season of Lights at the Convention Center. It's to continue through Sunday, and the girls wanted to get there before all the good giveaways were exhausted. Many displays were selling holiday clothes and other items were now half price. Darby insisted that I sign up for some of the giveaways to double her chances of getting something she wanted.

I was signing for one of the giveaways when the woman saw my name as Marti Carstens. “You’re the boy who sang at the Rendezvous. I am as impressed today as I was yesterday. You are Matt Carr from over at the high school nearby?”

She realized I didn’t want it as public information. “Okay, shush! I’ll keep your secret; though I think others will soon be hearing from you. If you win, will you be giving it to Darby, your girlfriend, or keeping it for yourself?” She apologized as soon as she asked, as it was none of her business.

Monica asked, “Would you be open to receiving this vial of a new perfume as a token of our appreciation?” When I said yes, she opened the vial seal and used its small wand to put some on the inside of my wrist. She encouraged me to rub my wrists together and rub them on my neck under my ears. “Now you’ll have to worry about your girlfriend or a boy getting too close.”

I had been to the Season of Lights show in prior years with family and a girlfriend, but I was usually done in half the time of others. Today, I took interest in the decorations and things like the doll displays. Instead of being able to hold Essie’s hand, we were talking more girl to girl. We voted on the decorations, the dolls, decorated gingerbread houses, and more.

We were about through the Season of Lights display when a TV newsperson approached us asking, “How did you girls like this year’s Seasons of Lights?”

She smiled as I said, “I think it was the best I’ve seen.”

“May I ask you a question Marti, it is Marti isn’t it?” I paused not knowing what to say or how she knew of me… “One of our people heard you were a female impersonator at the Rendezvous the other night.” Essie tugged at me to leave, but I was still wondering how she knew of me. “They say you did very well and that indicated this is something you have practiced at.”

I responded, “It’s Sara Broylin with channel 9, isn’t it? I’m sorry but I’m afraid of what I’ve done being taken out of context.”

I started to walk away, when she stepped closer and asked, “First hear me out, and if you decide to leave I’ll accept that. I think what you have done takes nerve. From someone close to me, I know you are in drama. And while this wasn’t probably planned it took someone strong like yourself to pull it off. We have an hour program Sunday morning. I’d like to have you as our guest this Sunday or next. That way you’ll have time to explain and even sing if you’d be willing.”

“But what I’ve done was a one-time thing, and I’m not transgender, or anything else. I got in trouble and did this just to be different. Nothing more or less.”

Essie was now next to me with her arm warped around mine in support. Sara asked her, “Young woman, do you think it would be okay for Marti Carstens to go on TV9 to share her story?”

Essie looks at me, “She’s just been having fun, nothing bad. However, going on TV is a big step, that would be her decision. She'd probably need her parents’ permission too.

Sara, “Marti what are their names that I might call and explain what I’m asking.”

“I don’t know, we’re to go bowling tonight, and you probably don’t have time to meet with them anyway.”

Sara says, “Let me do a feed, back to the studio in about 15 minutes, and then we can go.”

She asked my parents' name again and Essie quickly said, “Michael and Christine Carr.”

Sara said, “If that’s Professor Michael Carr we’re probably in luck as he's quite open-minded.”

I responded, “He wasn’t so open, to begin with when it was his son.” Sara smiled as she talked with Farley her cameraman. They talked with two women on camera. She also said there would be more for the late news and hopefully, a special announcement as they stopped their segment.

I had called my parents, kind of asking and kind of telling them that Sara Brolin from TV9 was coming over to visit with them about me. Mom’s immediate response was, “You might be in over your head. I hope you haven’t agreed to anything.”

Mom said, “Give us until 6:30 to be ready for her. Text me whether she prefers coffee, tea, or water.”

After her feedback to the station, Farley went to pack his camera and equipment back into TV’s Rav4. Sara walked with us as well as talking to others. I introduced Sara to the woman who saw me at the Rendezvous the prior night. Sara took notes as well as her name and contact information. She also had the woman sign a waiver.

We were five minutes early, and Mom’s smiling face indicated they were ready for us. I guess Sara had met my parents at University events. Sara said, “It is rare to have a high school boy open to talking and being out like this. It could help him as well as others to be on the program”

Sara is amused to learn how this started as a teenage boy’s fit about some gifts and hurt feelings with a grandmother. She said, “So Matt dressing as Marti snowballed from the morning to being made over and in a dress for the Christmas Eve service. Then going to his girlfriend’s church as Marti for Christmas mass… The Rendezvous tells us that Julia taped her Thursday performance, Would you mind if Julia allowed us to show a segment with you singing.”

I spoke up, “I haven’t agreed to be on your program.” Sara talked about regular teens who would be able to relate to parts of my story as well as those in the GLBT community.

Mom had news for me that I was being asked to show up and sing at a community New Year’s Eve celebration. When I reminded her that I said, I wasn’t singing in public again. Come New Year’s morning I was starting back as Matt.

Mom said, “You brought Ms. Sara Brolin here to talk about her show on Sunday morning, where you’re being asked to sing. And you were already planning on going out as Marti on New Year’s Eve, what is the big deal. Sunday morning you’re going to tell everyone about your week and Wednesday when you’re back to school as Matt that will give evidence to all that you’ve said… What’s the big deal, young woman?”

To be continued…

What’s the big deal, right? Dad was letting me make my decision and Mom, Essie, and Darby agreed it would be a good way to cap off a week of acting like a girl.

As a self-appointed agent, Hadley sent a text to Underwood’s people and Swift’s asking for permission to sing their songs. We were pretty sure if she sent anything, which I doubted, she wouldn’t hear anything back.

I didn’t plan to go out bowling, after all; I forgot being holiday time, I could sleep in, in the morning. The other girls were going out and Essie pushed me to go with her.

Essie asked the person at the bowling center desk who had found some girl shoes in my size with pom poms. Essie needed to tie them. Such a simple thing was giving me problems. Then it took two practice balls to learn the skirt shouldn’t be a problem. But it was the third frame that nervous me, slipped and plopped down on the lane as I had trouble letting go of the ball. Luckily my legs went out in front of me. No one told me until later that the skirt flew up behind me showing a little more. I guess I flashed a little of my panty-clad butt as I got to my feet as well.

It wasn’t until the second game was to begin that Eric, a classmate from school, and two friends asked to bowl the second game with us. Eric recognized me from things the girls had said. He whispered in my ear. “Matt you have more balls than I do to dress like that. Even being silly and doing this for fun you are going to get teased royally,”

Thankfully, Essie pointed out, “Eric, I hope you realize that there are a few more girls other than Marti who are beating you in this game. If you don’t tell, neither will we on you.”

I said, “I think these many girls are making him nervous or envious that he’s not one of them.” Eric became upset, and it took Essie and one of her friends to soothe Eric's feelings.

Their friend Megan talked to me and got me to apologize. I realized that Eric, Tad, and Sammy thought each had a good size. They saw themselves in different ways. I was acting like a girl, the way two of them felt. Tad the other saw himself drawn to both Eric and Sammy. I apologized and we changed the focus of our evening to encourage them.

Essie and I cuddled openly and felt the judgment of others at the bowling lanes. Part of me wished to speak like Matt and put on my clothes and yell. “I’m a straight boy!” But there was no way, I would. I was so much in love, yet I ached as I felt hurt by others disliking us.

We stayed out until midnight. It was so joyous to tune out others and be in our group. The hardest part of going home was that I was afraid my parents wouldn’t understand my evening, and worse, I feared they'd be upset with me.

Once home, I found out Darby and my mother were still up. My dad was asleep, as he needed to work helping his Mom in the morning.

I said a quick goodnight but stayed awake, quite unsettled and unable to rest. Mom asked and even Darby waited to find out what had me so wound up. When I told them, I captioned it by saying, 'You won’t understand.' But they stayed and nodded their heads as they did. Mom and Darby hugged me. Darby smiled as she looked me in the eyes, “Do you remember Uncle Drew?”

I said yes but I hadn’t seen him in five years. Drew was my Mom’s friend whom my sister and I came to call Uncle Drew. Darby told me that I had hurt Uncle Drew by saying something he overheard.

I said, “I was twelve and in sixth grade. We said stupid things then, especially when we didn’t understand. Is that why he has stayed away?”

Mom said, “We see him now and then, but he has chosen to come here when you’re away.” I began to cry. Uncle Drew was a neat guy who had stayed away because of me. I was crying like Marti, but I was carrying Matt’s shame.

Mom comforted me, saying, “Maybe now Drew will feel comfortable with you again. I am sure it will do his heart good… You, sensitized young man, need to take your makeup off, moisturize your skin and we all need to get to bed.”

Saturday morning, it was confirmed for the TV show that I was being asked to sing like Taylor Swift and that we were cleared to do so. I would sing "What Child is This" and if asked for a second song it would be, “Last Christmas.”

I was wearing a pair of designer jeans that had a stylized M on the back pockets for the women’s store from whence they came. I had three days left as Marti and I plan to enjoy them, though I’m also looking forward to not taking off my makeup or primping myself to look nice. I enjoy understanding all the work it takes to be a girl.

My phone indicates I got a message and I check it is from Eric saying he, Sammy, and Tad were thankful for last night. I discovered another message from Megan, inviting me to a girls' sleepover, on Sunday night. I hear Essie coming into the house. “Marti are you getting ready.” When I told her I picked out the songs, she said, “But you need to practice. I came and your mother has agreed to help. You need to prepare for speaking at the show. Can you talk as Marti and Matt to assure them you are indeed a boy?”

Intimidated, “Maybe I should call it off.”

“You have to be kidding,” Essie says. “You should be an excited girl!”

“But that’s it, I’m not a girl.”

Essie says, “That’s the fantastic part of it. I wonder if Sara Brolin will hear from guys who wished they had done it or wished they had their girlfriend’s encouragement and their parents' support. You saw and felt for Eric. Isn’t it fantastic to be you?”

“I hear you, in some ways it is overwhelming. If you need to snuggle or for me to listen let me know. We have time for that as well.” She was good for her word, we took time with each other.

After an hour, I was ready to sing through each song again. Finally, Mom came and she talked with me as Sara Brolin might do. Mom even had some questions from Ms. Brolin. Sara wanted me to talk just enough as Matt, without losing my sense of being a girl.

Mom, Essie, and Darby took me out. I thought we were going for a late lunch, but it was for a nice pair of girls’ shoes instead and the open-toe shoes were a prelude to what came next.

They didn’t realize it but it was one of the things I thought was still missing. My hands had been done before but now it would be a pedicure and a manicure. Hope and Jalyn were happy to see us back and delighted to hear I was to be on Sara Brolin’s Today at Sunrise. Hope reminded me not to panic when they helped with my makeup in the morning that it was being done for the camera lights.

The program usually had a live audience of a few extra staff, but we heard from Hadley, Eric, and Tad, other girls that they would be there. Sara Brolin had invited Monica, the woman I met from the Season of Lights who had heard me sing as an impersonator.

My statements that I wasn’t a personality were falling on deaf ears. Hope was giving me a more subtle look of white inside my eyes close to my nose, under my eyes, and above, and the mascara a little bolder.

Hope whispered, “You should wear a good pad with your panty. You are likely to get excited tomorrow with no time to get nervous or to wet yourself.” At first, I thought she was teasing, but I would find a way to do it without others knowing. Things had taken a little longer all the while I was getting hungrier. It was a mixture of frustration and glee that I went to a woman’s boutique where we checked the coming spring fashions and clearance sales, and sampled some perfume and cosmetics.

When we got home there was a limousine waiting in front of our house and my father waving us over. Laurie and Grandma were back and I was the honored guest. Dad shook his head, seeing me all fancied up as a beautiful young girl. Laurie and Grandma remarked that I was much more relaxed and natural from a few days earlier.

Laurie remarked, “I am amazed at how wonderful you look, but I’m going to be relieved when I get my cousin Matt back.”

The restaurant was a posh Italian-American place, not a chain but well known in our area. My folks went here for a good evening out and Darby and I had only gone once. Matteo greeted us and asked my father, “But where is your son, I thought he was to be the honored guest?”

“Matteo, I hope you don’t mind but my son has dressed up today as Marti; she will be on a morning news show tomorrow morning, TV9.”

Matteo turned and smiled, “Your Dad told me how he is proud of you. If you’d like to sing one of your songs tonight just let me know. But that is for later and only if you wish to. Enjoy your night, we are always happy to have you here.”

We are being seated and it is strange to have someone holding a chair to help seat me. My father leaned over to me, “I did tell him about the show in the morning but I did not mention you singing. Please know, it is not required of you.”

I had the wedding soup, a small salad, and an Italian fish fillet which was new to me. I continued to amaze myself in trying new things. A violinist played for us during dinner and presented me with a rose. We were about done when the waiter brought out a tray of small champagne glasses. Matteo was back to present the toast, “To the young man great enough to be a woman. Salute.”

Matteo again approached me saying, “My son and three of his friends believe they can accompany you as if you were Taylor Swift; they would be honored if you wished.”

My Dad started to stand and apologizing saying ‘no’. I stood, “Dad it would be fun to try. Matteo, I’m not promising how this will turn out.” His son Ricco was there and I recognized Santino as well. I winked and we laughed. We agreed that Last Christmas would be fun. They began and I joined in. The people applauded as they recognized the song and again as I finished.

Matteo came clapping, “Wow, Marti makes an attractive woman, and makes one think that Taylor Swift herself was here tonight. Young lady, I hear you have been asked to sing at the New Year’s Eve celebration. I for one would find that worthy of my going there.” I am embarrassed by his praise and shyly make my way back to our table.

Getting home, I am exhausted and I need to be up early at 4 a.m. I give Essie a warm hug and kiss goodnight. Lipstick to lipstick is, even more, a sensual sensation. Dad took Essie home. Mom and Darby took me upstairs. I took a short shower now, knowing I would have another after I woke. The fragrance of the soap along with the hint of oil feels marvelous. The nightgown and panty have me ready for bed. I hardly remembered taking off my makeup or fixing my hair.

It is barely 9 p.m. but I’m tired and drift off to sleep quickly. Come 9:40 I got a robocall that reminded me of the program in the morning. When I tried to get back to sleep Darby knocked on the door asking me. “Who are you talking to; I thought you were trying to get to sleep early?”

Darby was sorry she disturbed me but suggested I turn my phone off. She gave me a back rub. Her comment that I felt more like a girl in the short week was disturbing.

To be Continued…

Matt wakes before 4:00 a.m. and gets up as he’s afraid of falling back to sleep and not waking up. He can’t be late for the show. Darby awakes when she hears the shower. She calls into their bathroom, “I’m very proud of you Marti. I’ll make you some tea and honey to line your throat.”

He doesn’t hear much as he focuses on shaving all the areas needed. Fortunately, his facial hair is non-existent. Once dried off he is in a bra, panties, and a robe before making his way to the tea and breakfast. It is yogurt with berries and tea. He asks his mother, should I be dressing as Marti or should I be in the skirt and blouse that I’m to use for Taylor Swift?”

Mom Carr says, “There is another outfit in your closet that would look nice for you and it works with singing as Swift and Underwood. Why don’t you check that and then decide? Darby and I will be ready to help you when you’re ready for us…

Essie texted and said she’ll be here shortly after 5:00. I text her and said that the side door would be unlocked.”

Darby told me to begin talking as Marti and to get into girl mode. Then she started asking me questions like what Sara Brolin might ask? “Matt when did you start liking to act like a girl?” “Marti, how long have you been practicing singing like Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood?” The ones Matt disliked were any that suggested that he was likely to remain as Marti.

Matt got upset with the way Darby said one of those questions and barked back at her. His mother said, “She asked it that way because we’re not wanting you to lose your temper like that. Sara Brolin will not be trying to trip you up. But then again she might ask a question in a way you weren’t ready or didn’t like. You will need to answer those questions the best you can without getting upset.”

Marti’s makeup was done lightly at home knowing it would be redone at the TV studio. We left home at 5:10 and were at the tv-station at 5:40 as requested. The makeup people wanted to get Marti done with enough time to concentrate on Sara Brolin.

Sara was there to greet Marti and her mother, sister, and Essie. Mary, Sara’s associate would split her time between prepping Marti and the many things she needed to do for Sara.

Mary commented, “Sara told me that I’d be impressed with how you look and sound. Usually, such high praise is hard to live up to. You’ve impressed us. You will likewise be impressed with how Debora Collins has you looking before the TV-audience. She really knows what she is doing. She’ll probably be stolen away from us by a bigger station or network.”

Today at Sunrise is an hour-long program; Marti’s part is expected to be about a twenty-minute segment. If lucky it would be fifteen minutes of air time. They watch off stage as Sara started the program and from the live applause we guessed there were maybe a dozen people there.

I, as Matt, worried about going out onto the set, but then as I stepped from off-camera onto the set; I became more Marti as Sara greeted me. She had me for a moment change to Matt’s voice to assure the audience I was indeed Matt. I had agreed to it, but as I said my name, Matthew Andrew Carr; I then realized it was out for all to know.

“So Marti, how is it that you came out,” Sara Brolin asked?

I said, “It isn’t like it appears. My grandmother gave me the wrong gift and out of spite, I put on my cousin’s dress. My girlfriend, Essie showed up and the idea of staying dressed for Christmas Eve was born as something fun to do.”

Brolin said, “That explains looking like a boy in a dress for one day. It doesn’t explain looking like a pretty girl like you are today and have been for a week. How did that happen?”

I explained the salon appointment and going to the Christmas Eve service. “But my girlfriend said I needed to go to church with her in the morning. She and my sister bought me a girl’s Christmas outfit for after the church service. Somehow someone heard me singing like Taylor Swift and that led to the decision of being a girl through to tomorrow. It has been a joyful experience from one thing to another."And that included seeing you at the Season of Lights Pageant.”

There was a commercial interruption and the next segment would be with me singing as Taylor Swift, the song ‘Last Christmas’. Sara Brolin began, “Matt as Marti sang at the Rendezvous and wowed the crowd. Now you get to hear how beautiful this boy can sound singing ‘Last Christmas’.”

I sang and I felt like I did an okay job, but Sara and the small audience made it sound like I hit a home run. Sara said to the TV audience, “If any of you girlfriends or sisters can get some guy dressed as a girl and singing we’d like to hear or get a picture from you.”

Before I knew it the program was over, though I had sung one more time as Carrie; it seemed like we talked for an hour. Sara, in the end, began to shake my hand but then made it a hug of one woman to another girl. I felt goosebumps as I was being highly praised. Without thinking I stayed in Marti mode as we went to eat breakfast.

We finished breakfast and were leaving when another woman recognized me from the morning show. She hugged me and then spoke out loud in the restaurant. “Folks, you won’t believe this but this attractive girl is really a boy. You should have heard her on TV-9 this morning.”

She tried to hold me there and make me into her own little show and tell. I quietly walked out and back to the car with my mom. There were two loads of us as cousin Laurie, Grandma, Darby, and my father and mother had been part of the live audience.

I was exhausted and felt like I needed a nap. Mom said I had spent a lot of nervous energy, like a nurse having a traumatic time at work. The correlation was over the top, but I was tired. Instead of going to bed, I was down in the family room. I fell asleep snuggled in Essie’s arms. I heard Darby joking as I fell asleep that it should have been the other way around.

Essie’s perfume and mine combined for a nice scent that engulfed me. I heard Essie humming in my ear when she wasn’t talking. Cousin Laurie said, “While she’s… he’s sleeping let me say how nice this time is. I wonder if Sara Brolin is going to hear about other girls talking their boyfriends into doing it?”

“With present party aside,” Darby said, “I’d have trouble seeing any other real boy doing it?”

Laurie said, “I text my boyfriend Dylan to check out Brolin’s blog and today’s show. I told him to get ready. I haven’t heard back from him, but I was hoping New Year’s Day he’d let me fix him up. I thought it’s a cute idea.”

Essie spoke, “I for one think Matt’s extra special for doing it. I’ve had a great six days so far. I hope New Year’s Eve goes off like a big bang. However, I’m looking to Matt going back to being himself of New Year’s Day.”

Darby joked, “Just make sure you get him to shave his legs and underarms well tomorrow for the New Year’s Eve celebration and have her wearing the shorter of the two skirts.”

Essie says, “You’re cruel, that is your brother. He has pretty legs, but other guys seeing them will assure that he gets teased badly.”

Darby lifts the blanket and my skirt, “Look how pretty they are. I know a good number of girls who would die for legs like that.”

Laurie says, “And look how pretty that face is now that she’s back down to minimal makeup.”

Essie kisses me on the neck, as I stir from my sleep. “Come on sleepy head and wake up or I’m going home. I want you to practice Underwood’s ‘Before He Cheats’ and to consider singing it tonight.”

I was singing it through the second time and cousin Laurie says, “That’s one of the songs you need to sing and you should be carrying one of Darby’s softball bats.” We all laughed at that.

Then Essie says, “Then you can switch to Last Christmas by Swift if you want? Then the local group the Echoes will take over afterward for the New Year’s Live Party. Then we can dance the night away.”

The next day started slow for me. I slept a little late. There was one football game that I got to see the last half. Then the girls got on me to shower shave and get ready. “I have seven hours yet!”

“You need to make sure you don’t nick yourself shaving, you need something to eat, and then you need to run through your songs once more and then finished getting ready.” I swear Darby was trying to control me. It was now the last six hours of my girl fling.

I was relieved when I was finished shaving and had no nicks. The bubble bath scent was vanilla and wildflowers. I was in a slip and robe to eat. Momma had a large pot of soup and homemade bread for everyone. Grated cheese, extra spices, except I was prohibited from eating those. There was garlic bread, but I couldn’t have it either. Dessert, but no that might make me appear fat. Before I got too frustrated, I took my food and went off to sulk.

Essie came over, “Don’t let it get to you Marti, you only have a few more hours. This is part of the girl experience. Do you know how many times a girl goes without one thing to please herself and puts up with pleasing others?”

“But I’m not a girl!”

“You fool me!” Essie was now teasing and it worked. She asked, “Do you still like the feeling of wearing panties and a skirt?” I couldn’t say ‘no’ with a straight face. “I thought so,” she said. Come nine I was finished dressing and sat in front of Darby’s mirror for my makeup and hair to be done. The transformation wasn’t over yet. I liked seeing Marti emerge.

Soon we were off to the city where the New Year’s Eve celebration is. We made our way to the back of the show’s platform. Sara Brolin’s assistant spotted me; she takes me to Sara, but first directed Essie and my entourage to where they could be close and see the performances.

Once gotten to Sara Brolin, I was introduced to Scott Majors her co-host for the night. Scott was upfront saying, “I hope you’re as good as Sara says you are. We don’t need a teenage boy embarrassing our celebration.”

I went back down and practiced getting my voice ready. I found a mirror where I could double-check my makeup and appearance. I was draped in a light blanket both for warmth and to keep my image as Taylor Swift out of sight. With my false boobs and the lace vest and knee-length skirt, I knew she was there.

It was eleven fifteen when I heard some in the crowd asking to hear Taylor Swift and Underwood. I heard Scott say, “I’m delightfully surprised that she/he’s actually drawn some people here. Let’s just hope others aren’t put off by her presence.”

Sara comes over to me, “It looks like the crowd wants more live music so we want to bring you on early. Do you have a third song?”

I say, “How about ‘Jesus, Take the Wheel’ it really isn’t religious.”

Sara says, “I know the song and it works for me; let that be your second song and let ‘Before he Cheats’ be your last song.”

I am called on stage and Scott asks the audience, “Are you ready to hear this pretty girl sing?” There is applause and yelling as I make my way to the front of the stage. I hear the music begin as I let my cloak fall away. “Miss Taylor Swift from the next town over.”

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…” there is applause at the recognition of the song. I move around with the microphone headset. Many are singing with me. I catch glimpses of girls and women grooving to the song as they sing along. I kind of feel like one of them. The song ends and the applause wells up to a good roar. Several boys whistle at me.

I’m thankful it’s Sara who comes to speak with me. She asks the audience, “Should our princess be gone tonight with the stroke of midnight?” Most yelled back, ‘No!’

It hit me that I was having a Cinderella-like experience that would end at midnight. Sara speaks to me. “Marti, I’m going to ask you to continue to step a little deeper in the mystique of being a girl, now as Carrie Underwood.” With that she stepped back as she introduced the next song, “Here’s Marti Carstens with ‘Jesus Take the Wheel.”

I change to Carrie’s voice, lose the lace vest, pull my blouse out, and the blouse and skirt blend looking like one of her pretty dresses. I had stepped out of one pair of shoes and into another. Thankfully it all goes smoothly. I am into the song and again there’s the applause of recognition. I can hear the murmur of recognizing me as Carrie. I reach for the high notes Carrie reaches and hope I’m getting high enough and can hold notes as she does. I am caught in the emotion of a young mom worried for her child. “Jesus Take the Wheel…” becomes real to me. The response of the crowd says I’m making it real to them as well. The cheers at the end bring joy to my heart.

Sara says, “It tickles my heart to see this guy’s girlfriend; she’s watching all of you enjoying Marti’s singing. Marti, do you have one more song from Carrie to take us closer to the bewitching hour?”

I stay in Marti mode and turn to the audience, “How about, ‘Before He Cheats’? The music soon begins and I’m into my last song, “Right now, he’s probably slow dancing with some bleach blond…” I show the bat as I pat it in my hand. I see two guys grimace and more girls and women smile… I had to adlib a little but find my spot in the song again. I found Essie down in front and use her to maintain my focus on the song.

I’m finished with the song and Sara and Scott come over to me. I’m asked, “What’s your New Year’s wish for others?”

“I wish people the ability to step into the role of another and to enjoy themselves in doing so. Acting as a girl has been fun and something I won’t forget.”

Darby has come around backstage to greet me and take me to the others. Her arms are open wide as she comes to hug me. “You did well brother. I don’t know any girl who could have done better.”

We went around to be with the others and to welcome in the New Year.

We stood together hugging as our area was no longer roped off from the crowd. A lot of people were saying nice things about how I looked, sounded, or both. Several tell me about meeting Carrie or Faith. All the while I was watching a guy with a daughter in tow. He was making his way toward us with purpose and his eyes and face indicated it wasn’t good. He was yet ten feet and several people away when he could be heard. The police stopped him and asked him to quiet down. “Tell that pervert to get out of here, people like that should be the ones in jail! It’s a disgrace. I brought my daughter here and she heard and saw that!”

Someone with a microphone pointed it to the girl, “Were you offended by Marti/s singing?”

She tried to respond, “Well she…” Her father cut her off, “She’s too young to think for herself. I’m the one telling you it’s perverted! I don’t want IT, to be her role model nor next to another guy in combat!”

With that my dad who was now in front to protect me, quickly turned around and stretched himself to be in the guy’s face. My father said, “I’ve been in combat and I had a buddy who you’d call different. But there was not one guy in our unit who worried when he was next to any of us. Three of us were shot, including Val, and if it weren’t for his quick thinking at least I would be dead. Don’t use your excuses. Where did you serve?”

People were counting down as time clicked down 11:59 ...9, 8, 7, 6. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, midnight "Happy New Year!" Cheered the crowd. People were hugging everyone and I began with my dad in front of me. I was in tears, “You almost died there? No one ever told me.” Essie hugged me and kiss, Laurie and Darby hugged me. Then there were some girls. Finally, two boys hugged and kissed me. One saying, “Are you sure you’re a guy?”

We stayed for the first half-hour of the dance. I danced mostly with Essie. Once I was tapped on the shoulder agreeing to dance as I expected it was my mother. Mikayla was her name and she thanked me as she began to dance and I followed.

She asked me, “You make a convincing girl are you really straight and going to change back?"

I said, “First thanks for the compliment; it has taken a lot of help. Secondly, yes, I see myself as being a straight male. I liked singing as an impersonator, but that’s not me nor anything I think I will pursue… Can I ask a question, why does a young woman ask a high school boy dressed like this for a dance?”

“You’re an unusual guy, and I am sure there would have been more asking, but your girlfriend made it obvious that she had first dibs on you… Let’s just say I’m an unusual girl?”

She had started to turn away when I said, “But there’s more to it, isn’t there?”

Mikayla stopped and said, “Yes, but you know that. I’m on the university’s web and print newspaper. I’m also in the LGBTC community. If you weren’t before I’m sure you’ll be at least a crossdresser soon.”

She hands me a lip-gloss wand saying, “It’s new and close to your color. You messed up your lips.”

I took the wand and checked my purse for a mirror, I made do with the screen of my phone. When my lips were freshened, Mikayla spoke-up, “That was done by a boy who's been learning.” She paused, “It's not right for me to say who or what you are. That is up to you, but I wanted you to think and then know there are those of us who would listen.”

Essie came over to us as we talked, but she surprised me by saying, “Hello, Mikayla. I wondered if you or someone would talk to Matt.” Essie is also in journalism and I guess knows Mikayla.

“Matt’s be sensitized and has even seen part of the ugliness you have to put up with. But I don’t think he’s a candidate for your other community.”

Mikayla demurely says, “You don’t think she might be a crossdresser?”

Essie responds, “Hopefully, only for a variety show and the school’s crossover day. What do you think Matt?”

“I might even forgo the variety show or dressing for crossover day if I might be seen that way. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but this week was only done for fun.”

Mikayla says, “You did this for a whole week, do tell?”

"Wait, first I need to go talk to my Dad. I just learned he was almost killed in Afghanistan…"

To continue one more chapter…

There I was going back to my parents, my father’s safe but the fact I had just learned that he almost died when I was a kid shook me. My father saw me and hugged my mom as he whispered something to her.

Mom’s eyes became concerned as she looked at me.

I was steps away when I stopped, “Does Darby know?”

Dad said, “Let’s get everyone home, and then we’ll talk when it’s just family.”

Essie was going to stay with Darby, and Darby’s friend Laurie, but I was now wanting to take Essie home. I used mom’s car to drive Essie home. It was a good night overall. Essie had shared a whole week with me as Marti. We took some time to reflect and enjoy.

Essie asked, “Will you be able to tell me afterward what’s going on?”
I told her it wasn’t about her. “I am pretty sure I will tell you, it was something my Dad said to the guy who wanted at me. It’s not bad, it just shocked me.” I gave Essie a passionate kiss. I regretted not having more time with her. Her folks were surprised that she was already home.

Once home, mom asked if it were alright for her to help me remove my makeup. Feeling like Matt would be more nervous and it caused me to feel like Marti again. Even without the makeup, but in the skirt and blouse; I felt like Marti.

Dad said to me, “We told Darby two years ago when another veteran friend had come around and she heard what happened. We were going to tell you but you were in one of your moods and we never got back to it.”

“You knew I was hit by some shrapnel, but not how severe or dangerous it was. Your mom was acting like a single parent and you two were only five and six.”

Mom said, “I was having enough trouble just handling the news for myself. Your Dad was airlifted to Germany and soon stabilized. But there was much healing that was needed.”

I asked, “How were you almost killed?”

My Father was shaking and now fighting back tears. Three of us were on patrol and we were shot, away from our vehicle. The Taliban were approaching to finish us or take us, prisoners. Val fired back, was shot again but he killed them. Once we limped back to our Hummer and called for help we were relatively safe. It’s one of the reasons I wear a gray t-shirt when I go swimming with you.”

I am now crying and feel like a girl doing so, as hard as I try I can’t stop. “Sorry Dad, I’m crying like a girl and I can’t stop.”

“No apology needed, I’m sorry you found out this way.”

We visited into the early hours of the morning. I still had to use a moisturizer and get ready for bed. I justified to myself wearing a nightgown one more time.

I woke up around 10 a.m. and took a shower with an emphasis on shampooing my hair twice with a minimum of conditioner. I wanted Matt back visible. My family and Essie were great in welcoming me back. There were more discussions than usual that I was involved in over the next two days.

My friend, Luke called on the 2nd, he and his family had gone skiing. He said, “Hey dude, or should I have said Dudette? I’ve seen some pictures supposedly of you that I need to confirm. Melanie says you even sang as a girl on New Year’s Eve, what gives. Mel was impressed, she wants me to consider doing it. See you tomorrow at school and we'll need to talk.”

The next day at school was unreal. I took a ribbing from the guys but that calmed down after a couple of hours. Even a few macho guys who knew me asked what the week was like. Another thing that was surprising the number of girls who talked to me or just said ‘hi’ or ‘cute’ as we passed in the halls. Essie proud fully pulled me over to two tables of girls. Several had seen me at the Seasons of Lights with Essie but hadn’t recognized Marti as me. Others had seen me on the morning show, the New Year’s Eve celebration, or all of it. Though most who had seen me on the show did so later via the internet.

During choir, Monique, who would be the valedictorian in our class, asked aloud, “Ms. Frisch are you going to allow Marti Carsten’s to sing in the spring talent show?”

She answered indirectly, “Monique, you know it is only to showcase the regular talents of the music departments and drama club.”

Monique responded, “Matt’s a regular member and it’s only with us that Marti would get to share her talent. It could even be considered an acting talent. I think she should.” Several in the choir dare to applaud or cheer.

Ms. Frisch said, “I will talk it over with the others, but I think my first decision will stand. Now let us have our practice. I hope that is okay with you Matt Carr.”

“I wasn’t the one who brought it up.”

Monique turned to Essie, “I would like you and Matt to come home with me after school. We need to get a promo picture or two.”

Sure enough, after school Essie and I were off to Monique Johnson’s home. We were going up to her room when her mother interrupted us. “Where are you going with that boy Monique?”

"Mom this is Matt Carr who is Marti Carstens; I was going to show them that dress that would be great for her being Carrie.”

I couldn’t believe it when her mother said, “Okay, but if you get her to try it on; you can’t be there when she changes. And I want to see if it works like you say it will… Are you okay with that Marti?”

I said, “I wasn’t sure why we came here. It doesn’t sound like I’ll get a chance to use it anyway.”

Mrs. Johnson says, “Is that what Ms. Frisch said? If it would be good, don’t worry about that.”

Monique gave me a tug as Essie and I followed her upstairs and into her bedroom. Monique pulled out a long white with a gold trim dress from her closet and hung it on the back of the doorway. Then she went to her chest of drawers and pulled out a packet of panties and a pretty but older bra. Last she pulled out a full slip, saying, “Make sure you wear this, or we might see too much.”

She pointed to a changing screen to go behind. “We’re stepping out for a moment but don’t take all day. I have some studying to do.”

“I didn’t say I was going to do this?”

Monique said, “Silly, why did you come if you weren’t open to it. You’re just being shy and want us, girls, to fuss over you. Well, I’ve made a fuss. Essie tell him it’s okay?”

Essie smiled saying, “We’re stepping out, go ahead and try it, what do you have to lose. It looks like it would be better than all that you’ve worn so far. You can thank her later if it works.”

With that, they stepped out and I went behind the screen mostly to have a place for my clothes as anything. The panties were full no-line briefs and the bra already has some padding in it. I saw two socks Monique had left out as well for added padding. The slip was a little tight but it made things look good once it was in place.

I could tell the dress/gown was longer than the slip, but I wasn’t sure about how to get it on without damaging it. Essie spoke, “Are you to the dress yet?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure how to get it on without tearing or stretching it too much?”

“We’ll come in and help if you’re decent.” There was a pause before the door came partly open. Essie was the one who first stuck her head inside. “It’s okay Monique.”

Monique thanked me for waiting. She also liked that I had undone the buttons all the way. They had me step into the gown and then they made sure the slip wouldn’t ride up. Once the dress was in place they began buttoning up the back and the gown took shape. It was Matt’s face and hair, but the rest of me looked like a young woman.

Monique grabbed my hand again and now it was back down to show her mother. Who joyfully smiled and said, “Now play one of Carrie’s songs and let’s hear how you sound Marti. Or would you rather I first do your makeup and hair to look like her?”

I sat down for a moment which Mrs. Johnson took as a sign. She said, “Monique go get my styling tools and if it is alright we will use some makeup from your new makeup kit. You’ll never use it all.”

Mrs. Johnson said, “Should any of you call home to tell them you’re here?”

I said, “My Mom will laugh if she finds out I’m doing this. I told her I wasn’t going to do it for a while.”

Mrs. Johnson said, “You’re not doing it for a while but you need to see if this outfit works. Then we’ll put it aside when for when it’s needed.” She asked if other girls made a fuss over me and weren’t surprised.

She said, “I bet a lot of girls wished they had a boy to make such a fuss over.”

I sat still, not very aware of all that she was doing. I couldn’t see a mirror or shiny surface that caught my reflection. Mrs. Johnson ended up calling our parents and inviting them over for Pizza. Once she told us, she said, “You can let them see how much you look like Carrie, and then change back to your clothes before the pizza gets here.”

I guess my mother laughed when she heard about the gown and me looking even more like Carrie. I had finally gotten to see myself. She was right about the dress and how she had me made up; it made me look even more like Carrie. She had me sing a few songs as Carrie saying that I needed to continue to practice.

“I will let you know now Marti that I will get permission for you to sing at the Spring Variety Show.”

I asked, “But what purpose will that serve?”

She said, “I am thinking you can be a star singer for a fundraiser weeks before your graduation.”

I said, “I don’t know of any special fundraiser?”

She said, “The city ambulance service requires a better defibrillator that isn’t in this year’s budget. It would be a great way for the class of 2020 to be remembered. I am told the Rendezvous is willing to host the fundraiser if you’re known by more people. I'm sure the Variety show will do that.”

Mom is there and says, “That sounds like a great way to cap off your senior year Matt. Grandma will surely remember you after that.”

“Funny mother.”

Essie and the Stanwells, Monique and the Johnsons, and our family enjoyed our pizza dinner. Darby had brought with her a change of clothes but for Marti. I’m sure my Dad would have put an end to my dressing as Marti, but he was out of town.

True to Mrs. Johnson’s word, three weeks later I heard, my singing as a female impersonator was back in along with Randy Schmidt’s rendition of Elton John singing Circle of Life. Since then I practice singing Carrie’s songs a minimum of once a week.

True to my word, in between, I am enjoying life again with Essie as Matt.

I did have three college visits in January and two of the universities had heard from references that I have sung as a female impersonator. My grades and college entrance scores were good enough to get me in all three universities. But my financial assistance would be greatly improved if Marti’s persona were to be part of the package. I would need to openly apply as a cross-dressing student capable of coming under the LGBT banner. My parents said they would be willing to forego the $15,000 in additional financial assistance. That would allow me to go to a four-year university as I desired.

The final package my university of choice would give was actually much more. Essie and I were both choosing Syracuse University though we knew we’d be likely going in differing ways during our time at university.

Marti surfaced again during a make-shift Mardi gras celebration in the next city over. I was fairly sure a woman who wouldn’t want to be publicly identified was Sara Brolin. She was conveniently absent from the evening broadcast. I hadn’t done a reprisal of Swift or Underwood, but a princess from Arabia with a ruby in my belly-button and little cymbals on my fingers and scant clothing fitting Mardi gras.

Darby at the community college was the one who heard of the Fat Tuesday celebration. Now being eighteen, mom said, “It is a rite of passage for a boy to celebrate and spread his wings, even if this is unusual. You have an opportunity and acceptance because of how well you do it all together.”

Ms. Frisch was now having me come after school to practice singing as Swift and Underwood at alternate practices. She has made the decision for which of the two I would sing as and which song.

I had been kind of stiff in practicing the songs until it was her who said I needed to step into character and that meant dressing as one or the other on alternative practices in dresses.

The Spring Variety show was ten days after spring break. And three days after we have our dress rehearsal. Mrs. Johnson agrees with me not to use the full-length gown for the dress rehearsal. But there’s another glitch as Monique is recovering from a sore throat and is only to softly sing her song tonight at the dress rehearsal. She has asked me to sing with her. We had done it as a duet in practice the prior week. Just in case if we had to do it for the actual show. I would become the weaker of the two voices to show off Monique’s trained and stronger voice.

Monique was insisting I use another dress in singing with her. “If you hurry and change into the slip with your back to the other girls, there won’t be any problem.” It was fun to practice with Monique. Today, one could hear her voice was there but being saved for the show. If it were not for my being Marti, we were n two worlds that would have little to nothing together.

I had now been to her house enough when she was studying and because she saw me as Marti she would show me any new clothes she had. I don’t know clothing very well but even I could tell her clothes were of excellent quality. And I now appreciated it when someone like her thought enough of me to share what was important to them.

Being Matt most of the time, I find myself enjoying stepping into being Marti or impersonating a female singer. Talking as such to Monique or Cassidy, as Mrs. Johnson wants me to call her, I find carrying a conversation flows more easily.

I prefer being Matt with having a better understanding of a woman’s world. Even at home, I find helping in the kitchen and cleaning in the house more enjoyable. Mom has even asked for Marti's help now and then.

The Spring Variety Show is finally here, and where the auditorium is usually half to two-thirds full, tonight it is full with extra chairs set up. Ms. Frisch has given a solo for Monique to sing Adele’s ‘Hello’; Monique had requested that I sing her first song making it a duet.

I teased her, “You’re doing that only to make me have to change backstage.

She said, “That’s a bonus, I really do think it sounds better as a duet. I like your Stevie Nicks’ voice, it gives a nice echo to the song. Your voice has gotten better as we’ve practiced.”

The compliment was not only good for my ego, but it spurred my singing with her. Even Ms. Frisch was pleased with my singing and said so as I came off to change. I hurriedly took off my first outfit with my back turn towards other girls.

There was a voice saying, “I have your dress ready for you.” It was a friend of Mrs. Johnson, “She asked if I could help you. Mrs. Johnson wanted to stay out there to hear Monique sing her solo… You did very well young lady. I understand why Monique wanted you singing with her… It’s just that I can’t believe a boy can sing and look as well as you do.”

Ms. Myrt had a sheet spread out on the floor. I was able to put on the slip and as I stepped into the dress and she, Megan, and I lifted it around me. My arms formed goosebumps as I slipped my arms through the sleeves. I asked, “Ms. Myrt how does one button and unbutton the back of the dress, if she’s alone.”

She says, “You’ll learn to do it, it just takes longer. Pretty as you are, you should be wearing long dresses and gowns more often.” I couldn’t believe I was saying thanks for looking pretty in a woman’s gown. She took me to a desk serving as vanity and helped to reshape my hair and change my makeup. “Now look at you; all those who came are going to be pleased they came to hear you.” I was mesmerized by the image of Carrie Underwood that was looking back at me.

I went to a sound room to get Carrie’s voice and mannerisms down. I wanted to cry I was so pleased with how I looked and felt, but I knew better. I went back out to thank Ms. Myrt. The sheet, my other outfit, makeup, and she were all gone. Megan and a few other girls waited with me and then wished me well as I went out on stage.

Ms. Frisch came out with a microphone in hand; it was an unexpected interview. She asked, “Would you speak as Matt Carr to assure the audience that you really are a boy?”

I surprised her and said, “I’d rather not, it takes some effort to change voices and persona. If they want we can say hello after the show.”

Ms. Frisch said, “That’s quite rude, won’t you please make an exception?”

Using Carrie’s voice I said, “Matt is really here, but wouldn’t you rather hear Carrie?” With that the audience applauded. Reluctantly Ms. Frisch gave into the audience’s wishes.

I began, “If boys had the insight I have, maybe they’d learn to better talk with girls.” The music began and I smirked as I looked at a friend who just lost a girlfriend. The remark wasn’t pointed to him, but for his sake, I hoped he’d learn to listen.

I’m not in favor of a girl taking things out on a guy’s car, but I like the beat of the song and the idea that girls too can have revenge.

I heard Essie hoot at the beginning when I first wiggled my hips. “You looking sweet Carrie”, said another girl, and then two boys hooted. I lifted a bat and patted it in my hands. After that I focused on the crowd, walking around and staying with the song. When others called me, Matt; I began looking out over the crowd. That was not to get distracted.

Once I finished, I sighed in relief. I was moved after two girls, one being Essie, both came to the stage to give me long-stem roses. I knew some people had done that for Monique as well as Megan who acted out a story from memory.

There was one more performer than the show was over. But it wasn’t over without the announcement of the fundraiser sponsored by the graduating senior class. Monique, Megan, Jeffrey, another singer, and Carrie and Taylor, alias Marti Carstens would be performing.

All the performers came out for a final bow and the house lights came on. I then saw my Grandmother, cousin Laurie, and a bunch of my neighbors and extended family.

I smiled at people, but inside I was a bit angry. I thought the fundraiser had fallen through and this would be Marti’s last performance. Mom knew I was upset and made sure she was one of the first to greet me.

Essie was there as Mom asked, “You gave an outstanding performance, young woman! What’s up inside of you?”

“Mom, I was looking at this as my last performance here. It is getting harder being Marti and not getting caught in the enjoyment of dressing like a girl.”

Essie turned to my mother and then said, “We both know that; you don’t have to do the benefit, you’re not obligated.”

I said, “But my performance scholarship at the University will be announced. And if I don’t sing at the benefit I will look like I cut-out on a worthy benefit? Plus I bet they’ll want me to do a promotional appearance with Sara.”

I could see my mother was trying to be supportive and understanding, but I saw feelings well up inside her until she finally burst. “I got to say, you make a beautiful Carrie and even you know that gown is beautiful on you.”

“Mom, especially I know how beautiful this gown looks and feels. That is part of my problem, I’m beginning to love being this way.”

It was such a rush to be greeted by so many people. Even an elderly neighbor, Mrs. Wilmont came up to me shaking her head. She said, “I can’t believe I’m offering this to you, but I have some old lace dresses that would be flattering when you sing like Taylor Swift and some of the other female singers. But if you come and look at them you need to promise you won’t act like a tramp in any of them…

Oh no, there will be another Chapter…

It ended up that there was a reason Mrs. Johnson pushed for May fifteenth as the fundraiser date. It was Saturday night after Mother’s Day and Monique’s eighteenth birthday. She was then allowed to sing in a club that served alcohol.

I had permission to go to school as Marti as it is helpful to be in character as a girl the day I sing. Jonathan Masters decided to be my self-appointed bodyguard. Which I didn’t think was necessary until his cousin Mack Masters got in my face and told me, “The school doesn’t need a sissy boy representing us.”

I heard he intended to give me a black eye and stop me from singing. He had mouthed off before and that was how Jon came to know a bodyguard was a wise choice. They didn’t need to fight as Jon informed Mac that he, Mack, didn’t want to get suspended and miss taking finals.

The night was a hoot at the Rendezvous; they had a patio that also filled with patrons. The Club donated the proceeds of the food and beverages they sold, along with half the cover charge. Donations alone raised over ten thousand dollars, putting the proceeds for the defibrillator over the top. The president of the ambulance service gratefully accepted the donation as well as a check for an additional five thousand dollars from Ms. Hammer the owner of the club. I had sung as Carrie, Taylor, and Kelly Clarkson. Hope and Jalyn from the salon helped Monique as well as me behind the scenes.

Our program was over before eleven but most of us stayed until midnight. Randy who tried impersonating Elton John had done much better than he had at the variety show. However, he and his friends did much better as their own band. Monique continued with her trained voice to wow the audience, but also added more lively music to her repertoire. We reprised our singing as a duet. She had wanted me to sing as Matt but had discarded that idea the first time I sang as Matt in practice.

Essie was going to be in the aerospace engineering program and I was going to be in environmental engineering. We thought we might be in a couple of our general studies or introductory classes at the university but the closest we got was passing each other or walking in the general direction once a week.

I began singing the third week of September and singing every Wednesday evening beginning in late October. Between practicing, singing on Wednesdays along with my studies, I found a need to work out to stay in shape. By late October I was also dressing as Marti on Wednesdays into Thursdays. I did aerobics on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays and running or weights on at least two other days. That others didn’t care or notice blew my mind at first, but it helped my appearance when I sang.

Come Thanksgiving, I decided to stay on campus, I had no idea that it would be that dead. Foreign students made up the majority who were left on campus. Two African students wanted me to sing with them. I did have two gigs: one on Friday and Saturday evening. Friday night, I got a reminder that not everyone was crazy with crossdressers. One person was angry that I was slow in professing to be more than a crossdresser. He said, “You’re only fooling yourself, not acknowledging you’re gay. Or is it that you’re not wanting to admit it in public that you’d like to go out with the likes of me?”

When I said, “I don’t agree and I don’t want to be with you.”

He said, “Let’s see how this looks with makeup…” and he punched me in the eye sending me to the floor. Someone else came over to help me. The guy walked away and out of the build, but the damage was done. Layla one of those to help me, got some ice in a plastic bag and then sat with me. No one confessed to knowing the person who hit me. I took my time thankful for those around me. I sat at Layla’s table and got to know more of the regulars who came to such events.

Saturday I went to one of the makeup counters in the department stores. There was a cosmetician who helped me to find a good concealer and makeup to diminish the unsightly sight of my eye. She was amused to find out that I am a boy as I had dressed as Marti. Tiff, as she called herself, said she might come to hear and see me sing.

I had some pain in my cheekbone, and as the day progressed a bit of a headache. Layla called me and upon hearing I was still hurt she said, “Don’t worry most of the people will understand after last night if you don’t sing. You need to know, being one of us means you don’t have to be like anyone else or someone else’s expectations. I don’t know what it’s like being a crossdresser, but I look forward to being your fan. I’ll see you another night if you so choose.”

I gave myself until 5:00 to decide what I’d do. The bruising was somewhat worse, though the swelling had gone down. I had a little red in the corner of my eye but it wasn’t affecting my vision thankfully.

I decided tonight I’d introduce some songs from a larger number of female singers. One professor suggested I go back to singers from the sixties or seventies and for tonight I chose Karen Carpenter singing ‘Close to You’. I was delighted as people knew of her and liked her sound. For my closer I went back to Carrie Underwood for a three-song set, ending with ‘Love Wins’. There were a comedian and one singer to follow me which gave me time to sit with Layla and others to enjoy the evening.

It was the first Wednesday of December when Essie stopped over to my room. She was visibly shaken when she asked how come I had not called to let her know when I was attacked. It became an emotional time and I was still in girl mode, having sung. That did not stop Essie from leaning into me as we got caught in the passion of the moment.

Where Essie had first made out in September this was not only as Matt but Marti as well. I was stunned when she said she had a play toy where she could go into me if I wanted?

I wanted but I wasn’t sure about admitting that to her. After we had made out; she asked me to lay back. She had me turn over and lubed my butt. I tried to get up but she pushed me back down and asked me to allow her to do this for me.

“You have to admit it you reacted more to than you imagined,” she said afterward.

I had gone to group meetings but it was with friends like Layla, Essie, and others that I opened up more. Layla was the most consistent in reminding me I was on a journey and not to make out any one time more than a good and enjoyable time into a learning moment.

Layla and I had our last final exam at the same time and we both chose to wait until morning to head out in our different directions. She showed up at my housing suite around 7:00 with a bottle of wine, cheese, and bread. She even asked me if I’d dress down that she was wanting to be with Marti if I was comfortable.

It meant letting down my hair and combing it out; she was not worried about makeup more than some with my eyes and lips. She warned me that she had a thing for other women’s nipples however small or large they might be.

The evening was nice; it was as she put it more sensual than romantic. Most of the evening was mutual despite her often taking the lead because she was used to it. I liked it that way because I felt I was on the receiving end more.

Though we had fallen asleep at least once we woke up when one of us had an urge to make out some more. Come morning she said, “I can speak more from my advantage point, but if you’re more than a crossdresser; I would say you might be transgender. Then again, if I were a guy the perspective might see it differently.” She showered, got dressed, and left after we had a roll and some fancy coffee.

I would be home nine days before Christmas, and the first day of the next semester would be January 13. My grades showed a good recovery as I would ultimately find out I finished with just over a 3.0 average.

My car is not great but it does have good tires for winter traffic. Getting home took a half-hour longer than expected. I had a little more clothes than my mother expected with seven more dresses and outfits included in that count.

I was greeted warmly by everyone, including Grandma who was over. Darby and my mother seemed to notice more. Mom followed me up to my room, and Darby came through our shared bathroom. Darby helped by hanging up my girl's clothes and mom sat across from me, asking, “Do you have something to tell me?”

I avoided the obvious and asked, “Are you talking about my singing in Boston on December 29, 30, and 31?” Though that was news to her and Darby; it was not what she wanted to know.

“A little bird told me that you had trouble over your Thanksgiving weekend.” I continued her frustration telling her about making a new friend in Layla and widening my repertoire of songs and singers.

Finally, I admitted to getting sucker punched and hurt. I thought it was Essie who had told. Mom said she knew before Essie did. She has not yet told me how she knew, claiming a mom’s sources need not be made public.

She asked if being in the LGBT community accessed me to special medications as she thought my complexion was softer. I initially gave credit to my increased skin care regimen.

Mom was pleased that I did take proper care of myself and happy that I didn’t let the negative crap get the better of me. The three of us did get into the larger discussion of my being a crossdresser. “Do you find that expanding in any way?”

I knew at that point my mom was on a fishing exhibition to find out if I was considering the possibilities of my being gay or transgender. It was at that point, I took the initiative and talked about discussions I had with Essie, Layla, and some in my smaller LGBT group at the university.

It led to a late-night discussion with Darby and more talk over the following days including talking with Dad and Grandma. Come Wednesday, I decided to dress as Marti and had agreed to sing at the Library Pub in the neighboring city. When Grandma asked if she could go too. “I went there when it was the Library Tea Cafe.” Though I didn’t think so, I agreed to take her at 7:00 if Mom or Dad would come by 9 p.m. I was sure it would be enough for her by then.

I was surprised shortly after we arrived; the bartender came and said, “Good evening Mademoiselle, it is good to see you again.” Joc’ indeed was the owner, the son of the original owner. But at twelve years old, he had first come to know grandma and her friends. He and grandma handled many of the books she had read, even some she had left for others. “Madame Marti it is nice to see you will keep the tradition of singing here.”

I asked, “And what tradition is that?”

Joc’ said, “First it was Mademoiselle Cynthia and her friends that would sing here as a trio; she sang a soloist at times. Then five years after she graduated, she came back with little Constance. Is Connie your mother?” He smiled back at Grandma, “She has a beautiful voice. I miss when she would sing at her church or in the community. She was no plain Jane or run of the mill singer.”

I looked to Grandma wondering why I didn’t know? “You didn’t hear me, because by the time you were nine you made it known to your mother that you were sick of my singing. Your parents moved and that was that.”

“Grandma that was ten years ago, you know boys can say things they don’t really mean?”

Grandma said, “You mean like last year? …Oh, I didn’t mean to say it, but I was hurt like you were. What a difference a year makes? Here I am celebrating your beautiful skill and talents.”

Grandma hugs me and tells me I need to finish getting myself ready.

Joc’ had brought Grandma a special tea and an additional pot. And I went in the back to line up my songs with the music backup. There are some female voices that I do were going from one voice to another that's more difficult and there are a few I will only do a break in between.

I thought Grandma might be familiar with Karen Carpenter so I use “Close to You” in my first set. There were a good number of white hair and little to no-hair people in the audience so near the end of the set I ask Grandma up with me and invited others to sing “We’ve Only Just Begun”. I was glad I asked my grandmother forward as she and others knew the song better than I did.

Mom had come to pick up Grandmother but they both ended up staying. I was glad, come 9:30 the crowd changed over as I was ready to begin my second set. This set for the location I chose in mingle in Carol King’s songs from her Tapestry album, along with Carrie and Taylor. I got requests for their Christmas music, both religious and popular. I did alternating songs of Swift and Underwood. King’s So Far Away and You’ve Got a Friend went well with being in the Library Pub.

The crowd, which I’m told usually hangs around thirty to forty, was fifty to seventy and by the third set got up near to one hundred. Mom and grandma had left sometime after the second set. Joc’ delivered a note complimenting me on my singing. “Don’t let how you’re doing to your head. I stopped singing here thinking I arrived. I think in so many ways you’re on a journey. Love, Grandma”

As the nature of places like this, there was the interaction between me the singer, and the audience. I got several offers from women wanting to dress me up and three requests to go out, two from women. During the evening I was open in stating I wasn’t sure if I was just a crossdresser anymore. My third performance ended near midnight but I stayed until after one. Three college-age women: Bridgette, Lavender, and Julie, and I went out after that.

I initially hoped to get somewhere with Bridgette but found myself talking to them as Marti. Bridgette was open to going with me someplace if I’d continue our time as Marti. I decided it was time for me to find someone to help me to find myself.

Essie and I went out twice while we were home, but the relationship had changed.

I checked with a specialist here at home, and she agreed that I should find and work with a specialist at Syracuse as well. She was able to squeeze me in once before Christmas and we scheduled two appoints before I get back to Syracuse as well. I met with Ph.D. Cynthia my Psychologist. Both helped me to make good strides in going forward.

I knew it hurt my mother and some others initially that I wasn’t confiding in them like I had been but I knew they needed to get used to it. Mom and others became more comfortable when I didn’t shut them out of my regular life.

A spring break job led me to the opportunity to sing and MC on a cruise ship during the summer. Which is what I’m doing now. Heidi my cabin mate, has no trouble with me being a transgender person who sees herself as a man now and then…

My life doesn’t end, but it is finished here for now...