The heat was record-breaking. Most of the businesses in town were well equipped for hot weather, but the air conditioners at the high school couldn’t keep up and it was 80 ͦ in the coolest part of the school. Most of the girls were coping pretty well, as skirts and dresses got shorter and thinner. But the dress code proscribed the wearing of shorts, so the boys suffered in long pants while the girls managed to get a cool breeze on their nether regions.

“It’s not fair,” I told my best friend, Jody Cameron. “I’m not complaining about the short skirts, they’re beautiful, but what the hell is wrong us wearing shorts.”

Jody had a plan. “Tell you what, Chris, let’s talk to the principal. He’s gotta be hot, too! We’ll ask him if he can suspend the rule against wearing shorts, or just do away with it. It’s outdated, anyway!”

In ‘best friends’ relationships, there is usually a dominant person and a submissive. Without a doubt, Jody was dominant. He was bigger and stronger because he had matured much faster than I had. When we met we were almost the exact same height and weight, but puberty worked its magic on him, and I could see him get bigger almost daily. He grew to over six feet tall while I grew from 5’ 0” to 5’ 2”. His voice changed very quickly, while mine reinforced the idea that, to most people, I looked and sounded like a teen-aged girl. Jody also had the more dominant personality; I couldn’t deny that even if I wanted to. I didn’t want to, though, because I was happy with the way our relationship worked. I liked Jody a lot and I told him that but, of course, I would never tell him I loved him because … well … a guy doesn’t say that to another guy. Even saying, “I like you a lot” got a questioning look from him.

Still, I wondered how he felt about our relationship. There were a few times when I thought he wanted to say something tender or intimate, but he seemed to chicken out at the last moment. Once, we were studying together at my house, he put his hand behind my neck and pulled me closer to him. I was sure he was going to kiss me. I closed my eyes as he got closer and he whispered into my ear, “I gotta get home, it’s late.” I don’t think he did it to hurt me, but it was another instance of him losing his nerve at the last minute. Still, after he left, I cried. We had known each other for three years, I had fallen in love with him, and my love was growing. I was certain he felt the same way, but couldn’t seem to bring himself to tell me. I was afraid if I said something it would be the end of our friendship. There was no way I could have that happen. I didn’t feel like I was gay, because I wasn’t really attracted to boys in general, but Jody was different. He treated me so gently … almost like he would treat a very young child or even a girl. I reciprocated with dedication and respect, and I would do almost anything for him. So, we had a relationship that we both seemed to understand, but neither was able to talk about openly. After the disappointment during our study time, though I realized that there was no way he would ever tell me, “I love you.” I tried to live with that realization, but couldn’t help but hold onto a tiny bit of hope.

Jody was handsome in an “Ashton Kutcher” kind of way. He didn’t pay a lot of attention to his looks because he could run a comb through his hair in the morning and be beautiful. The girls loved him, of course, and he loved girls. He never went with one particular girl, and I don’t think he was sexually active. He was popular, but he wasn’t the “exclusive” popular type; i.e. the type that only associates with other popular kids. Jody was friendly to anyone, and he treated everyone with respect. He wasn’t into sports; he was more into computers and books and he made excellent grades, apparently without trying.

Girls liked me too, but more like a friend, a little brother or, given my somewhat feminine looks, a sister or one of their girlfriends. I made good grades, too, and shared Jody’s love of computers. We were a good match, and we were the best of friends.

Jody lived with his mom. His dad had left them years ago and I had never met him. Jody stayed in touch with his dad, but his mom and his dad apparently didn’t communicate.

So, when Jody said we should talk to the principal, I agreed and we made an appointment to see the “head man”.

When we walked into the principal’s office, we noticed that it was much cooler than any other place in the building.

“Well, what is it, boys?”

“Well,” Jody began, “it’s been so hot recently and the school air conditioners don’t seem to be working very well. We were wondering if maybe the rule against wearing shorts could be suspended or done away with.”

“So, you’re hot!”

“Yes, sir.”

“When I was in high school, we didn’t even have air conditioning, and we did just fine.”

“But, sir, the girls can wear short dresses or skirts and I’m sure that’s cooler, but we have to wear long pants. It gets really hot ….”

“So do you want to wear dresses or skirts?” He chuckled sarcastically.

“No sir, I’m just saying we need some way to stay cool.” He paused a few seconds, then continued, “You know, maybe a dress or a skirt would be cooler.”

Now he laughed out loud. “That, I’d like to see! Look, boys, I’m busy. I’ll fix the weather. Give me until October or November and I’ll make it cooler outside. I can do that because I’m the principal! For now, goodbye. If y’all want to wear dresses and skirts, be my guest! Just don’t wear your skirt too short!” He was still chuckling as we left.

When we left the principal’s office, Jody was smiling, but I was really discouraged. “What do we do now?”

“You mean you don’t know?”

“Uh … no. What can we do?”

“Think, Chris. We’re gonna do what he advised us to do!”

“Wait until October?”

“No! We gonna be cool in skirts and dresses!”

“Oh, no. We’ll get in trouble for sure!”

“No way! We have the principal’s permission! Let me quote him, ‘If y’all want to wear dresses and skirts, be my guest! Just don’t wear your skirt too short!’”

“Yeah, but the other guys ….”

“Why should they say anything? They’ll be wearing the same thing! We’ll have a big protest and they’ll be glad to help! We’ll make it a dare, ‘Do you have the balls to be cool?’ We need to get that message to every guy in school. It’s early in the day. We should be able to reach everyone and execute the plan tomorrow.”

“Might work.”

“It’ll also piss off Hammond; an added benefit.”

I felt my heart filled with admiration for Jody!

Our school work suffered as we worked the rest of the school day spreading the word. Everyone was agreeable to the plan, provided that they weren’t the only one doing it. We told doubters to bring a pair of pants in case they chickened out. Most of the girls got involved by lending clothing to their brothers or other guys who needed it.

I borrowed a mini-dress from my sister. She told me I had to wear a pair of her shoes, too. My hair was already long, so she styled it and put just a little makeup on me. When I looked into the mirror, I realized that if the guys got into trouble, I could easily be overlooked. I could imagine the principal telling me, “Excuse me, miss. Hey, you over there in the mini-skirt! Detention!” I smiled at the thought.

My sister saw me smile. “So you like it!”

Of course I liked it, but I was so absorbed in admiring myself that I almost forgot my sister was there. “I don’t think the idea is to actually look like a girl, but I’m OK, I guess.”

“You guess!? You look good!”

“This is crazy, Claire! I guess I do look good!”

“You do, but it’s just temporary. I don’t want to be sharing my clothes from now on!”

“The principal won’t be able to take much of this. He’ll give in!”

“I don’t know. He was very stubborn when the fight erupted over the cheerleaders’ uniforms!”

“Well, visual aids are a good teaching tool, and that’s what we’re gonna use.”

“She opened a drawer and got out some panties and a bra. You gotta have a bra with some kind of padding to make the dress fit right, and you simply can’t wear those ugly ‘tighty whities’ under that beautiful dress. May as well go all the way. Let me know when you want to go shopping for some dresses and skirts.”

Jody couldn’t hide his surprise when he saw me. “Babe! You’re lookin’ … I mean … Chris, you look ... good.”

“Thanks, Jody!” I did a little spin and made the hem of the dress flare out a bit.

“Honestly, you’re pretty!”

He stood, staring at me. I was in heaven! I smiled my prettiest smile and spoke in a ‘girl’ voice. “What is it, Jody? Do you want to kiss me?” (The word “kiss” sounded a little like “kith”) This was my chance to see if he would kiss me. If not, Hey! I was only joking!

“No! Let’s get to school!”

But I wasn’t joking, and my feelings were hurt by the stern way he told me ‘no’. I say ‘a little, but I was deeply hurt and actually had to hold back my tears. I have always been super sensitive. A boy has to hide that, though. If I allowed myself to cry … or show hurt feelings in any way around other kids, I would be ridiculed and called names. Jody wouldn’t call me names, but he wouldn’t be able to maintain a friendship with a “cry-baby” without the name-calling beginning to rub off on him. It was weird, of course, walking to school in my sister’s mini-dress. I’m sure Jody was uncomfortable in the skirt and blouse he had borrowed from his mom. Of course, he looked like a boy in girls’ clothing, which was part of the point of the protest. The panties my sister insisted I wear were incredibly thin. I was cool down below, but it made me constantly aware that my dress extended down only two or three inches more than the panties. I made sure I had a hand free in the event the wind picked up. That, along with my rejected offer of a kiss made things tense. As we approached the school, however, we began to see the results of our communications on the previous day. I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to see a pair of long pants. I finally saw a few, though, because you can’t expect total cooperation on something like this. Our success made it possible to get over my feelings of rejection and focus on the job at hand.

Principal Hammond was on the front steps of the school arguing with a football player in a dress with an empire waist. Where he found a dress big enough was a mystery. I told Jody to wait while I casually strolled by as they argued. The principal looked right at me and gave me his fake smile with the curled upper lip, then continued arguing. After I passed, I motioned for Jody to come on. When he got closer, the principal stopped him. “Mr. Cameron, where’s your pal, Mr. Davis? Y’all are the ones who started all this mess. I’m gonna have a little meeting with the two of you.”

“He just passed you a minute ago. You didn’t see him? But this is what you told us to do! It really is cooler. Thanks, Principal Hammond.”

The principal mumbled something. I’m pretty sure it was profanity. “Go on to your class. I’ll send a note when I’m ready for you.” He gave up arguing and went toward his office looking at everyone he passed … including me. He didn’t recognize me when he looked right at me again. He would find me, though. All he had to do is send a note to my first-period class and I would have to go down to the office and face the music.

Sure enough, I didn’t even have time to get bored in first period before one of the office helpers delivered a ‘summons’. I walked to the office and found Jody already in the waiting room. The principal came and invited us in. He did a double-take when he saw me. He probably remembered seeing me before and giving me that “smile”. He seemed especially cordial, given the reason for our visit.

He was clearly amused. He looked like he wanted to laugh about the situation, but he was probably afraid that would be a sign that he was making light of it. “OK, boys or girls, you’ve had your fun. Can I assume that everything will be back to normal tomorrow?” He kept looking back at me. I think he was still trying to make sure it was me.

“Sure, Principal Hammond, if we can assume that the rule against wearing shorts has been canceled.”

“Oh, no. I don’t give in to tactics like this. You’re breaking the school dress code, and you all could be punished!”

I decided a little sarcasm was in order. “Please, Principal Hammond, you can punish me, but give my sister a break!”

“I have no plans to punish your sister. What are you talking about?”

“She wore a dress to school today. Please go easy on her!”

“You know dam… You know the dress code does not proscribe girls wearing dresses!”

“Well, does this dress code actually say that boys can’t wear dresses? Maybe you could show us the dress code. I’d like to see the part that prohibits anyone from wearing a dress or a skirt!”

“You have no right to look at the dress code!”

Jody had a problem with that statement, “We can’t look at it, but we’re bound by it? Doesn’t that make getting dressed for school a trial-and-error thing? Like, ‘I don’t know if this is allowed by the dress code. I’ll just have to wear it and find out.’.”

“Maybe I should call your parents.”

Time to play my ace. “Please don’t call my mom. She will be angry for us intruding on her busy day. She’s an attorney, you know, and ….”

“I don’t care … an attorney?”

“Yes, sir, she’s a very good attorney. She got a guy off for ….”

“I don’t care who she got off! If you’re not dressed properly tomorrow, you will be suspended! Get back to your classes!”

It was Jody’s turn. “Principal Hammond, It seems a lot cooler in here than anyplace else in the school. How do you manage that? Would you mind if we hang out with you a bit and cool off?”

“Get out!”

“I guess that’s a ‘no’?”

“Out!”

We got out.

“Jody, notice how he acted when I told him my mom was an attorney? He was intimidated. When she gets home today, I’m gonna update her about all this. She will help.”

“Good! I think we’re gonna need it. Ok, here is the message for the grapevine today: Jody Cameron and Chris Davis have been threatened with suspension if they continue to protest the dress code. They will continue the protest, but any guys who feel intimidated should wear long pants tomorrow.”

“OK, let’s get the word out.”

I got home before my sister, and I decided to leave “my” dress on for when my mom got there. I was in my room when I heard my sister come in the front door. I sat on my bed very ladylike with my ankles crossed and my hands in my lap and waited. Sure enough, she knocked on my door.

I called out in my best girl voice, “Come in.”

She walked in and looked surprised to see that I still had her dress on. “So you do like the dress!”

“It was a gift, right?”

“OK, since you like it, keep it.”

“I’ll need something to wear tomorrow.”

“What? You’re just begging for trouble. Just remember, this dress is the only gift, no matter how much you like the next outfit! You know what I think? I think that no matter how this ‘protest’ comes out, you’re still gonna want to wear my clothes. After all, it’s nothing new, is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Of course not! Did you know that clothes in my closet sometimes rearrange themselves and my bras and panties in my chest of drawers get shuffled as if by magic? I just love my magical clothes! Apparently, so do you! Finally, I get to see you dressed in some of them and you look damn good! The girls at school think so, too!”

“Really?”

“Really! They were talking about how ridiculous some of the boys looked, but they said you were the exception. I don’t know whether that’s a plus when you go looking for a date or not. Now, take off your makeup and go take a shower, then come to my room and let’s find you something to wear tomorrow. We’ll have a fashion show. Here are some clean panties, but you can wear the same bra. Also, wear this mini-girdle under the panties to keep everything under control.”

A fashion show! How cool! I showered and she did my makeup again, instructing me as she worked. This time, as she was styling my hair, she saw the tiny studs in my ears. “When did you get your ears pierced?”

“I dunno. A while back. Nobody notices because I keep my hair long.”

“That’s wonderful!” She started going through her earring collection and found some spiral earrings that were long enough to be seen below my long hair. I had to admit, it added a lot to the look.

“I like them!”

“You’re finally gonna admit it; great!”

“You’re the best sister in the whole wide world!”

“Really? If I had known it was that easy, I would have done this a long time ago. Listen … no more going through my stuff when I’m not here. Wait until I’m home and we’ll go through my stuff together. You’ll need help matching, anyway.”

“You got it!”

“Chris, you’re so pretty. I always wanted a sister.”

“I’m sorry, Claire. You see, I was born with this … thing.” I pointed downward.

“I know that, silly. It’s just that we could have so much fun if you had been born without that … thing.”

“Don’t give up yet. I gotta change.” I went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.

I could hear her through the door. “What? What do you mean? Do you mean what I think you mean?”

I put on the panties, bra, and dress. The girl in the mirror looked pretty good. I unlocked the door.

“Oh, Chris. You look even cuter in this dress. Maybe you should have been born a girl!”

“More people are making the change every day!”

“Are you serious? I would love that. I’m not so sure about Mom.”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but Mom is not exactly crazy about men. You know her best friend, Emma?”

“Yeah, the one with the really short hair … wait … no way!”

“Yeah, they’re more than friends.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Well, one night when they thought we were sleeping I went down to the kitchen for a snack and saw them kissing. It wasn’t just a friendly kiss, either. They didn’t see me, and I went straight back to my room.”

“Wow, that explains a lot.”

“Yeah, like no dating. I guess Mom and Emma are going steady.”

“Chris, you’re a silly goose!”

“Maybe so, but Mom is a lesbian and you …?”

“Watch out, Chris, or you’ll have to wear boy’s clothes to school!”

“No! Anything but that!”

“Just think, we might have two moms pretty soon.”

“Did you hear a car door?”

“Yeah, Mom number one is home. You ready to show her new daughter to her?”

“You go prepare her, then I’ll make my entrance.”

I listened as Claire met Mom in the living room. “Mom, I want to introduce you to someone.”

I walked into the room. “Ta-da!”

Mom looked me over. “Chris, you look really nice. I love it!”

In unison, Claire and I said, “What!?”

“Yes, I love it. More importantly, Principal Hammond will hate it!”

“Oh, you know.”

“Yes, word gets around. In a way, it’s a good thing though. You have a chance to ‘come out’.”

“Mom, I’m not ‘coming out’!”

“What a shame! It would be the perfect time.”

Claire looked at me. “Ah-ha! What about it, Chris … Chrissy?”

I was trapped. I sat down and put my face in my hands. I wanted to cry, but I already felt foolish enough. I felt my mom’s hand on my shoulder. “It’s OK, Chrissy. I’ve known for some time.”

“Y’all both knew?”

“Of course. You have this tendency in your genes. Those ‘vitamins’ I make sure you take every day are testosterone blockers. They’re blocking male puberty until you decide which way you want to go.”

“What do you mean about my genes?”

“All I’m going to say is: ‘Allan Davis’.”

I couldn’t believe it, “Dad?”

“So, testosterone blockers; that’s why he’s … she’s so pretty! Uh, Chris … not Dad.”

Mom changed the subject, “So Chrissy finally got to go to school. How was it?”

“It was great, Mom. It felt so natural. I don’t think it’s gonna work on a full-time basis.”

“He’s right, Mom. He … she would face a lot of ridicule.”

“Well, let’s see what happens with the protest and go from there. Since my last name is different from my school days, Principal Hammond doesn’t realize who I am, but we were in high school together. If he gives you any more trouble, I have a message for him.”

“What’s that, Mom?”

“Tell him, ‘Don’t make me come down there’.”

My sister and I both smiled about that. We were proud of our mom.

Next: The cunning principal makes a surprise move.

On day two of the protest, it was hard to find a boy wearing pants. Some of the meeker souls were encouraged by the number of boys who were ‘en femme’ on the first day. During first period, again I once again got a ‘summons’ and went to the office expecting detention or worse. Imagine my surprise when Principal Hammond gave in.

“Girls … I assume you want me to call you girls, given the way you’re dressed … I’ve decided to change the dress code. Shorts are OK, as long as they’re not too short. I’ll put out a letter giving more details. You can pass the word apparently better than any letter of mine. Oh, Chris.”

“Yes, sir?”

He hesitated and looked at me a few seconds, the waved his hand, “Never mind. Back to class!”

We walked out of his office in shock. Ashley, one of the students who worked in the office whispered to us that the principal had checked and found out who my mom was. Once he found that, he was intimidated enough to give in. So it was my mom who actually made the protest work. I thanked Ashley and she gave me a beautiful smile and a “thumbs up”.

Jody was relieved. “It will be good to get out of this dress. I’ll bet Hammond was gonna compliment you on your looks.”

“Please!”

“Seriously! You didn’t notice the way he looked at you. He called you ‘Chris’ instead of ‘Mr. Davis’. He can’t help but compliment a girl when she looks really good. Maybe he forgot you’re a boy? It’s easy to do!”

I wondered about that myself. Everyone said I looked good. I wondered what I could get out of Hammond with my looks. A little pout and, “Mr. Hammond, pleath have the air conditioning fixed! If you don’t, I’ll have to wear an even shorter dreth tomorrow!” Oops! That would doom me to increasingly shorter dresses until I was coming to school in just a blouse and panties. That would get me called to the office all right; for a private conference with the principal? I shivered at that thought.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to wear the next day. I would certainly catch a lot of flak if I wore a dress, but it wouldn’t get any easier. It was hard enough to concentrate on schoolwork while wearing a dress. Now I had another worry; what would I wear tomorrow? I had read some about the transgender subject online and realized I was lucky to have the support of my mom and sister, but that was probably just about the only support I would get.

When I got home, my sister already had another outfit set out for me.

“Claire, the protest is over. Hammond gave in.”

“I know, but aren’t you up to something new?”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Try it a few days and see how it goes.”

When Jody came by for the walk to school the next day, he seemed as surprised by my looks as he was the previous day. “Damn, baby … I mean … Chris, you look better every day, but the protest is over. What are you up to?”

“I don’t know. I kinda like … you know … dressing like this. Do you like me like this?”

“Well, you’re pretty, but ….”

“But what?”

“Chris, you’re a boy!”

“Are you sure? Look at me!” I stuck my lower lip out just a bit, tipped my head down slightly, and looked up at him. “Don’t you like me just a little bit, Jodeee?”

“Come on, Chris! Don’t do that to me!”

I reached out and touched his hand. He didn’t draw it back but stood there holding my hand. His palm was wet. “Jody, you’re sweating! What’s the matter?”

He put his other hand behind my head and pulled me closer. He was going to kiss me … he really …. My head was swimming and my whole body was tingling. I opened my mouth and let him explore with his tongue. I reached up and he was so tall that to put my arms around his neck I had to pull my body right up against his. I could feel the wonderful warmth of his body and I was ready to enjoy his comforting embrace forever. Finally, he pulled away. “Jody, I like that.”

“We can’t … we just ….” But he pulled me to him and kissed me again. He quit trying to hold back.

I relaxed my body and let him take control. My knees were too weak to support me, so I was hanging from his neck and he was actually holding me as if I were a rag doll. He gradually eased his hold and I managed to stand on my own. After the kiss, I whispered in his ear, “Jody, I want you to make love to me.”

“I can’t Chris. You know I can’t. Please … let’s get to school.”

I held back the tears. “You do like me?”

“Yes, just as a friend!”

I reached down and felt the bulge in his pants. “Your body says you like me more than that.”

“Oh, God! Chris, I’m not gay … I don’t ….”

“No way! We’re just a boy and a girl who like each other!”

“No, you’re my best friend!”

“Isn’t it nice having a girlfriend who’s your best friend?”

“Yes … no … aw crap, I don’t know! Please stop this, Chris!”

“It’s ‘Chrissy’. OK, let’s get to school.”

As we started walking, I reached for his hand and he took it. We walked hand in hand toward the school. “Chrissy, we can’t keep holding hands when we get close to the school.”

“I know, Sweetie.”

“Don’t call me that!

“Honey?”

“No!”

I decided to put all my cards on the table. I stopped walking, turned to him and said, “Jody, don’t you realize that I’m not just your best friend. I love you and I always have. You haven’t felt that? Remember our sleepovers? When we went to bed I would hold your hand and you were ok with it. Remember in the morning when we woke up I would be snuggled next to you? You never said anything! Were you leading me on?”

“No! Chris … Chrissy, it’s not like that. But you were never like other guys. You’re so much smaller, and with your long hair, it was kind of like you were a child or … a girl? That’s why I never thought that much about it. You wanted to hold hands and snuggle and it was kinda like a little kid who wants security. You’re my best friend, and there was no way I was going to say ‘don’t touch me’. It didn’t feel wrong, and no one else had to know. I guess I felt like it was just ‘our thing’. You’re still small, and you don’t have body hair like most guys. Now, instead of getting big and more like a man, you’re getting prettier. Still, I always thought of you as my best friend. I can’t just flip a switch like ‘click’, and say, ‘Now you’re my girlfriend’! Are you gonna get a sex change?”

“I think so.”

“Seriously? Wow! OK, this is hard to take in!”

“My mom has been giving me medicine that keeps me from going through puberty. When I tell her I want to go through with a sex change, she will start giving me hormones so my body will develop as a female.”

“So, you’re gonna be ‘Chrissy’. This is not gonna work out at school. Not one bit.”

“My mom and my sister are gonna support me. Are you gonna still be my friend?”

“Oh, wow. It’s not gonna be easy for you. I’ll still be your friend. I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I bailed out on you now.”

“Thanks, Sweetie!”

“I said ‘friend’, not ‘girlfriend’!”

“OK, Honey!”

“Stop! Hand holding time is over, Chrissy Baby.”

“I like that!”

“I know.”

He smiled when he said that! I know it wasn’t much, but I was willing to take any encouragement I could.

We got to school. Incredibly, hardly anyone noticed me. The protest was over, so most people assumed I was one of the girls. By third period, however, word had reached the principal that there was still a dress code problem, and I received another summons.

“Mr. … or Ms. Davis … as the case may be. I see you continue to dress in an inappropriate manner despite my gracious capitulation to your demands regarding the dress code. What is your point?”

“Principal Hammond, approximately half of the students in this school dress the way I’m now dressed. What the problem?”

“You’re dressed the way the female half of the school population dresses. That is inappropriate.”

“Is there a prohibition in the dress code against wearing dresses?”

“No, but no one who wrote the dress code could foresee that a boy would want to wear a dress to school.”

“Sir, I’ve decided that I like dressing this way and I want to continue. I might even consider switching to the other ‘team’ so to speak.”

“Oh, really? Do it! However, don’t expect me to protect you every time you encounter resistance from your fellow students.”

“So you’re saying that the ‘no-bullying’ policy wouldn't apply to me?”

“I’m not saying that! I just can’t have someone protect you during the entire school day when you purposely invite ridicule by what you wear. Also, you will use the boys’ restroom and you will continue to take physical education with the boys.”

“Thank you, sir. Is that all?”

“Yes, you’re asking for trouble, that’s all.”

“Well, I expect the same protection against harassment that any other student receives.”

“Oh of course, but I can’t guarantee your safety completely. Now, have a nice day.”

“You too, Principal Hammond.”

I saw Jody at third period. “Jody, I need you to organize a protest.”

“What do you want to protest now, Chris … Chrissy?”

“I don’t want to protest. I want you and all the other guys protest me coming into the boys’ locker room.”

“What?”

“Look, I don’t want to go to gym class and have to take off my dress and have all the boys see my bra and panties. So, I think the boys should protest having a girl come into their locker room. Now, when it’s time for our gym class, you go a little early and tip the boys off. Have them prepared to block my way when I try to come into the locker room. I’ll make sure I don’t get there too early so you’ll have time to get it set up. Will you do this for me?”

“Anything for my best girl!”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, I’ve done some thinking. Let’s talk after school. I have something I need to do, then I’ll come by your house. OK, Sweetie?”

“Thanks, Honey.” I discretely blew him a kiss as we parted, and walked on air to my next class. In my mind, I pulled petals off an imaginary flower as I whispered to myself, “He loves me … he loves me not ….”

Sure enough, when it was time for P.E., I got to the boys’ locker room to find my entranced denied.

One boy complained, “We don’t want no girls in here!”

“That’s right. Go to the girls’ locker room.”

Some were smiling about this. Everyone was having a good time. They knew, of course, that I was the culprit that arranged this. Teen-aged boys love a good protest. The coach came to the door to investigate the problem.

“Coach, we don’t want any girls in here. This is a boys’ locker room.”

“Boys, you know this is Chris Davis and you know that he’s a boy!”

I spoke up, “It’s ‘Chrissy’, coach.”

“What? Chris, what are you gonna come up with next? Just go to the library for this period until we get this straightened out.”

The boys all cheered and I gave them a subtle “thumbs up” as I left. I knew, however, that this was just the beginning of this conflict. I also knew that I might not get as much support in the long run as what I had received that day.

After school, I didn’t see Jody, so I went home and waited for his promised visit. He said he had something to do first, and promised to “talk”. It was beginning to get dark outside before he showed up. I opened the front door, and he said quietly, “Let’s go to your room.” When we got to my room, he pulled a tiny gift-wrapped box from his pocket. The wrapping paper had a very feminine flower theme.

“Open it!”

I opened the tiny package to find a pair of heart-shaped stud earrings. “Jody, they’re beautiful, but they must have been expensive!”

“Not really. They came with a pack of bubble gum.”

“They did not, you silly goose!”

“Chrissy, I really … like you. I’ve known for a while that something was different about our friendship. When you went on vacation last summer with your mom and sister, I missed you a lot. I thought there was something wrong with me, but you’ve never been like … like a guy! There were times I thought I wanted to kiss you, but I thought it would end our friendship if I did. I didn’t ….”

I put my arms around his neck, pushed him back on the bed, and kissed him passionately. I could feel his body responding. “Jody, you don’t have a gun in your pocket, do you?”

“Chrissy, you don’t know how frustrating this is for me.”

“Yeah, I can feel your frustration. I guess I make it hard, right?”

“Do you get hard sometimes?”

“No. I don’t know what it’s like. The medicine stops that from happening.”

“Well, that’s good. It would be weird if we both … you know.”

“Yeah. Look, relax Baby.” He laid back and I gave him a massage in his “response” area. “Jody, I’m sorry. I seem to be making matters worse!”

“You’re driving me crazy, that’s all! You really don’t understand this, do you?”

“I’ve heard locker room talk, but it seems so strange. You can’t control it? I wonder what it would feel like if it happened to me.”

“Oh my God. Sweet, innocent little Chrissy! You’re actually being honest!”

“I love you, Jody. I’ve always loved you. I can’t show it like you do, so I have to tell you. Let me ask you something, Jody. How long have you known my ears were pierced?”

He began to blush. “One time when you were spending the night at my house, I was watching you sleep. You looked like a pretty little girl. I brushed your hair back and saw that you had both ears pierced. I think It kinda helped me understand you a little better. You were so pretty then I almost kissed you, but I was afraid that would be a disaster."

“You were wrong. There were times when I wanted you to kiss me, but I didn’t dare ask. I could sense the times you wanted to kiss me, but you backed down. I guess we were both cowards.” I pulled my hair back on both sides to show him my earrings. “Look!”

“You look nice.”

“Thanks, Baby.”

“Don’t ever call me that when someone else is around!”

“You don’t have to say that every time. I’m not that stupid!”

There was a knock on the door of my room. “Chrissy?”

“Come in Claire.”

She came in. “Oh, Hi, Jody! What are y’all doing?”

Jody touched his ears and spoke up. “Show her Chrissy!”

I pulled back my hair. “Oh, those are pretty! Where did you…?”

“I gave them to her,” Jody volunteered.

Claire’s eyes got wide. “Oh! So y’all are …?”

“Chrissy’s my girlfriend, Jody volunteered, then turned to me, “right?”

“Yep, I’m Jody’s girlfriend.”

“Well, I’m happy for both of you, but I assume y’all don’t want to make this public knowledge for a while.”

I thought a few seconds. “No. We’ll have to keep it a secret. I don’t know how long. I just ….” My voice broke and I put my face in my hands. I felt my sister’s hands on my shoulders. I decided to be brave. “Jody, this is gonna be hard for me, but I’m afraid it will be harder for you.” I smiled, “I mean ‘more difficult for you’. See, it’s bad enough for me, but if you’re my friend, the other kids will imagine what we’re doing in private; more than that, they’ll make up stories about us. You don’t deserve that. Please let’s just pretend to not be friends until some of the worst blows over.”

“Chrissy, I’m your friend. I don’t care what ….”

“Jody, listen,” Claire broke in, “he … she’s right. You know you love each other, but that will just be ammunition for others to ridicule both of you. Please, Jody. I know you want to be brave, but I agree with Chrissy. The two of you ‘split-up’ for now … at least publicly. It’s probably gonna get worse than either of you can imagine.”

“But I like Chrissy!”

“If you like her, make it easier on both of you!”

“Whatever y’all say.”

Claire turned to me. “Chrissy, if you keep showing up for in a dress, eventually, people are gonna realize that it’s more than just a way to agitate the principal. I’m afraid the kids are gonna turn on you.”

“But Claire, there is a lot of resentment toward Principal Hammond. Maybe I can use the fact that Principal Hammond doesn’t like what I’m doing to get support.”

“Yes,” Jody added, “I can work on the guys to keep them on your side. I don’t have to be your boyfriend to do that.”

“I think it’s actually better if you’re not my boyfriend to do that.”

Claire thought a little. “It might work. It can’t hurt. I’ll work with the girls. They all like Chris, anyway. Maybe they’ll like Chrissy just as much. Tomorrow is Friday. Let’s get you something to wear, Chrissy, and this weekend we need to go shopping to get you some clothes of your own.”

“Hammond knows who your mom is now, and he’s afraid of what she can do legally. Clue her in about your plan so she can be ready to step in if she needs to.”

The plan was starting to sound good to me. “Let’s order pizza and have another fashion show. When Mom gets home, we’ll get her up to speed. I think she’ll like it. She never has liked Hammond, even when they were in high school together.”

So the fashion show began. I was amazed at the number of dresses, skirts, tops, shoes, and other things my sister had. I began to wonder why we needed to shop at all, but she assured me that the quantity she had was about average for a girl. It seemed to me that she could wear a different outfit every day of the school year and not wear the same thing twice. I settled on a reasonably conservative dress. I didn’t see any need to give the principal ammunition by wearing something too revealing.

When Mom got home, we told her plan and she loved it. She said she would have papers ready should Hammond gave her a reason to file something in court. With that, we were on our way.

Saturday morning it was time for shopping. I got dresses, skirts, tops, pants, bras, panties, pantyhose, socks, shoes. After the clothing, we went and shopped for jewelry. I got pretty much anything and everything a girl wears. I enjoyed it, but Mom and Claire had as much fun as I did or more. I told Claire, “Sis, I’m gonna kind of miss having you set out my clothes for me.”

“No problem. I’ll keep it up for as long as you want me to. I like doing it, and you will always be fashionable.”

“Thanks, Claire.”

“Actually, Chrissy, picking out your clothes is something you could do for yourself, but there’s something you won’t be able to for yourself. I’m ready to volunteer when the time comes.”

“What’s that?”

“Chrissy, you don’t know? Think!”

I stared at my sister. I’ve always been a pretty fast learner and I couldn’t think of anything I would need her help to do. “Claire, I give up! What is it?”

“Have babies!”

Mom overheard. “Whoa there! I’m not so sure about that! You’re talking about something that could cause problems down the line! I don’t think what you’re talking about will work out at all.”

Claire and I didn’t see what the problem was.

“Claire, imagine going to visit Chrissy and her family. When you carry a child for nine months, you bond with that child. It’s hard enough when a mother gives a child up for adoption and never sees the child again. It will be much harder if you see the child a lot. The child you bore will be calling her ‘Mommy’, and that’s gonna hurt every time you hear it. Also, there will be times you will disagree about the way the child is raised. Are you gonna be able to keep quiet? You can’t even keep quiet if you don’t like the shoes Chrissy’s wearing!”

This put a new light on the situation. Claire summed it up. “Chrissy, old people are wise. We should listen to them.”

That got a dirty look from Mom, but she was able to keep quiet.

Heat Rises

Chapter 3

I missed having Jody walking to school with me. I saw him when I got to school, and we all but ignored each other. Even though it was my idea, it still hurt my feelings. I felt kind of silly for being so sensitive. Jody told the guys that I was just harassing the principal by the way I was dressing and Claire told the girls. There were a few who said, “Yeah, right,” but for the most part, everyone bought it. When it came time for P.E., I went straight to the library. Jody had someone watching the locker room door in case the teachers tried to get me in there. There was a restroom that was in a part of the school that was closed for repairs. My bladder could hold a lot, but I went there if I really needed to go.

My mom made me an appointment with a psychiatrist who specialized in “gender dysphoria”. I told my mom I wanted a female doctor, and she was happy to comply. I liked Dr. Amy Foster when I met her. She gave me a number of personality tests. I told her about everything that went on at school and about my relationship with Jody and how much I missed being with him. She said I was brave continuing in the same school the way I did. Since I was already on testosterone blockers and was obviously serious about the issue, she had no problem with giving me female hormones and wrote a script on the first visit.

School went on without any major issues. I guess I looked so much like a girl that no one gave it any thought anymore. Ashley, my spy in the principal’s office said the principal was convinced I would give in. If I was breaking the dress code or any other rules, he would have gladly intervened. I’m sure if he could convince anyone to harass me, he would have, but he was, as I indicated before, disliked by students, teachers, administration, and anyone else who had to deal with him. His favorite saying was, “My way or the highway.” When he became a school principal, he apparently felt it was akin to becoming God. He felt no need to negotiate on an issue unless someone on the other side could hurt him or his chances for advancement. He had researched my mom’s career, and found that there was no point trying to negotiate with her; only that it was best to not antagonize her. She had been a strong, no-nonsense woman since her high school days, and her law degree gave her the muscle to follow through when someone presented a problem. She particularly disliked bureaucrats who sat behind desks and issued edicts for those under their purview without understanding the issues that were faced daily by those they sought to micromanage. Principal Hammond was a prime example of such an out-of-touch manager. He had taken some courses in psychology and thought he had a superb understanding of human behavior and the concept of personality. He saw those he managed as so many animals to be manipulated with positive and negative reinforcement. He liked the negative much better, so the positive reinforcement was rare, and limited to himself and, occasionally, a pretty female subordinate. He saw himself as a handsome up-and-coming professional with a special interest in pretty young women. He was a prime example of self-deception.

So, I think part of the reason I didn’t get more resistance from the principal was his reluctance to alienate a pretty girl; even if the ‘girl’ aspect was not what it looked like. He was, of course, a very shallow person. So, if it looks like a girl, walks like a girl, and talks like a girl, it’s a girl and she won’t be able to resist his advances. He wouldn’t admit to thinking this way, of course, but his behavior told the true story. When I passed him in the hall, he didn’t look me in the eye, but afterward, I could feel him look me in the ass, and I would give my hips a little extra feminine sway; something to hypnotize (hipnotize?) him. “You like this girl. You don’t want to give her any trouble. She wants to sleep with you.”

Hey, whatever it takes! People will believe what they want to believe; especially someone whose life is ruled by self-deception.

Then the unthinkable happened. One of the football players asked me to go steady! I couldn’t believe it. I told him I would think about it. After school, I called Jody.

Even though we hadn’t spoken in about a month, he answered as if we talked every day.

“What’s up, Honey?”

“Jody, you’re too sweet!”

“I know. I miss you.”

“I miss you, too! Hey, you know Ken Hayden?”

“Yeah. He’s a football player, right?”

“Yeah. He asked me to go steady.”

“No shit! Oh, sorry, Baby. What did you tell him?”

“I told him I’d think about it.”

“Well, I think you should get your sister to see if he’s doing it on a dare or something.”

“I didn’t think of that.”

“Yeah, if it’s legit, do it.!”

“What!? Jody, I’m your ….”

“Hey, listen. You go with him for a while, maybe go with somebody else for a while. It becomes OK to date you. Then, we can get back together. If you still want to ….”

“Jody, don’t talk like that. I love you and only you!”

“Yeah, but you know what?”

I didn’t like the sound of that. “What, Jody.”

“I love you too.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Do you realize that’s the first time I’ve said that?”

I search my memory banks. “Oh, wow. Jody, that’s a milestone!” I felt my heart start to beat a little faster.

“Yeah, I can’t wait until we can get back together. Listen, if you go out with this guy, kiss him if you have to, but no sex of any kind!”

“Why?”

“Think! What’s he gonna talk about in the locker room the next day? He’s gonna give a ‘blow by blow’ description of it!”

“’ Blow by blow’, huh? I’m glad you said that and not me.”

“I love you, Chrissy.”

“I love you, Jody. Bye.”

When Claire got home, she came straight to my room and tapped on the door.

“Come in Claire.”

“S’up Sis?”

“Claire, I need advice.”

“That’s what big sisters are for.”

“Ken Hayden asked me to go steady.”

“Football player Ken Hayden?”

“Yeah.”

“No! Really?”

“Yeah, but what if it’s a joke, or he did it on a dare? Can you find out?”

“Sure. Not right now. I’ll talk to his sister tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Claire!”

“What about Jody?”

“I talked to Jody. He said if I go out with Ken and maybe one other guy, it’ll make it cool for guys to go out with me and Jody and I can get together.”

“Good plan! I’ll talk to Karen tomorrow.”

“Karen?”

“Ken’s sister!”

“Oh. Thanks again. Every girl should have a big sister. OK, one more problem.”

“What’s that?”

“I haven’t got a thing to wear to school tomorrow!”

“Poor thing! Do we need to go on another shopping trip?”

“No. I’m out of closet space. I’m sure the perfect outfit for tomorrow is in there somewhere, and I know you can find it.”

“Of course! I can see it from here!” She walked to my closet and pulled out a beautiful, slinky, sparkly red dress. “Here it is …” she pulled some espadrilles from the side shelf of my closet. “… with these shoes! The heels on these will give your legs a sexy look, and give you an even more sexy walk. If Ken is joking around, when he sees you in this, he’ll realize the joke’s on him.”

“Beautiful! Thanks, Claire!”

“I really think Ken is serious. He doesn’t seem to be the kind of person who would do something so mean. I’ll make sure, though.”
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
The next day, the weather was extra hot making classes seem longer than usual. As I was walked toward my English class, I thought how perfect my life was becoming. If I went with Ken I gained legitimacy as a girl. I felt like eventually, Ken would decide he wanted that which every teen boy wants so badly … sex. A breakup then would be bittersweet, because my Jody would be there. I wasn’t even going with Ken yet, here I was thinking about Ken breaking up with me. Truthfully, I didn’t have near the amount of trust in Ken that I had developed during the time I had known Jody.

The school hallway seemed unusually noisy that day. I figured it was a pep rally. Did we have a game tonight? I had no idea, but if I dated Ken, I would know when the games were and would have to go to all of them. Oh, well, you can’t have everything! What if I were asked to be a cheerleader? No way! No one would even notice the other cheerleaders. Everyone would be looking when I jumped and my skirt came up to see if they could get a glimpse of a bulge that shouldn’t be there. Cheerleading would be a dream for any voyeurs in attendance, but not very effective for boosting school spirit. It would also make me the enemy of the other cheerleaders as well as those who tried and fail to be cheerleaders themselves. Can you imagine a girl who lost the chance at this coveted position to a boy? Cheerleading was out!

The noisy crowd of students started running toward me. I heard a “pop … pop” sound like firecrackers. I tried to get out of the way, but Ken was running toward me fast. He grabbed my arms and pushed me to the floor and lay there on top of me.

I never knew a person could be so heavy. I couldn’t move. He put his hand on my forehead so I couldn’t even lift my head. I looked in his eyes and saw fear. “Ken … get … off!”

All he managed to say was, “No! Stay down!” Then, I heard Pop … pop … pop very loudly now. Ken’s body jerked with each “pop”, then went limp and his head fell on my shoulder. Over him stood a grungy looking kid who then moved the barrel of the gun to aim it right at my face! Time seemed to slow down. I prayed, “Oh, God, don’t let my life end! Please, God!” I looked at the kid’s hand and could see him tightening his grip on the trigger. “Oh God …!” Suddenly, Mr. Mathis, the English teacher, knocked the kid down with incredible force, and the gun went sliding across the floor.

I was frozen with fear. I felt a warm liquid on my right hand and managed to look. Blood! Was it my blood or Ken’s? I thought about my beautiful dress, then was ashamed to think like that! Ken’s face was now on my shoulder and he wasn’t moving. He had definitely been shot, but I still wasn’t sure if I had. It seemed forever before help arrived. Even when paramedics got there, it still seemed like a long time before they lifted him off me.

“He saved your life, miss!”

“Is he OK?”

“He’s got a pulse. He lost quite a bit of blood. We’ll have to see. Are you OK? Did you get hit?”

“I … don’t know. I felt the tears starting. Is Ken OK?”

“We'll take good care of your friend. Sit up. Let's look. Any pain?”

“Well, I had a football player on top of me for a while, but I don’t think I’ve been shot. Please tell me Ken’s gonna be OK.”

“Yeah, I just heard. He’s conscious. He’s gonna be ok.” I think he was lying to me because he thought I was going to be hysterical.

A female paramedic was there. “Come on, let’s get you on a stretcher.”

“No! I’m fine!”

“You need to be checked out!”

I had been carrying my cell phone in my hand and, miraculously, I was still holding onto it. I punched my mom’s number.

“What’s up, Honey?”

“Hey, Mom. Everything is fine. Just wanted you to know I’m OK.”

“Why, what’s happened.”

“There was a shooting. I just wanted you to know I’m fine.”

“What about Claire?”

“I’ll find her, Mom, I promise.”

“I’ll be there ASAP.” She disconnected. I knew she would try to call my sister, so I texted Claire to call Mom right away. Meanwhile, I was sitting on the floor in a pool of Ken’s blood. I thought about letting them put me on a stretcher, but I didn’t want to take resources that someone else might really need.

The thought kept running through my mind, “It really happened here. It really happened here.” There had been so many school shootings around the country, but no one thought it would happen at our school.

Then, Claire was there. She was standing right in front of me.

“Claire! Are you OK?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Gotta go!” With that, she rushed away.

“Where you gotta go, Claire? Call Mom!” She disappeared into the crowd.

I got my phone and clicked on my Mom’s number.

“Hello?”

“Mom, I just saw Claire. She’s fine.”

“Ok, good. I’m on my way.”

I finally stood up. It was difficult to move after having a football player on top of me and sitting on the floor for so long. The girls’ room was just across the hall. Without even thinking about it, I went in to clean up. I washed my hands and face. There was not as much blood on my dress as I thought there was. It might be salvaged, but I doubted I would wear it to school again, if at all.

Apparently, there was only one shooter. I went outside, where everywhere there were groups of students telling their stories. I wondered where Claire could have gone. I realized that she had said, “I’ll be fine,” instead of, “I’m fine”. Had she been injured in some way? But, I was probably making a big deal of nothing. Everyone was under stress, but the danger was over when I saw her, so I knew everything was fine.

I saw my mom’s car and waved. She pulled up and said, “Get in the car.”

“I haven’t seen Claire again. I don’t know where she ….”

“She’s in surgery.”

“What? That’s impossible! I saw her after the shooting was over and she was fine!”

“I don’t know who you saw, but Claire’s in the hospital. I got a call as I pulled up at the school just now.”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew what I saw. I saw Claire and she spoke to me. It didn’t take long to get to the hospital and we rushed in to look for my sister.

“Claire Davis?” My mom was near panic.

“Emergency surgery … just down that way to you left.”

We found where Claire was in surgery but, of course, we couldn’t go in. I wasn’t long, however, before the doctor came out.

“She had a wound in her chest. It missed her heart by less than an inch, but she’ll be fine. I’m going to keep her in intensive care for a while, though. I’d like to keep an eye on her. You’ll be able to go visit her for about 5 minutes after they get her set up.”

My mom asked, “Doctor, how long was she in surgery?”

“About an hour. She was the first one they brought in.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“Mom, that means she was here when I thought I saw her at school.”

“Chrissy, I think you did see her.”

“What? How?”

“She sent you a message from her heart to yours. What did she say, exactly?”

“I said, ‘Claire, are you OK?’. She said, ‘Yeah. I’ll be fine.’”

“Right. ‘I will be fine’. Not I am fine’. The message was that she would be fine after surgery. Chrissy, most siblings are not as close as you and Claire. Some bicker, argue and fight. It makes me happy that y’all love each other and y’all are so close. I feel like y’all will be close your whole lives. You both have a friend for life. With this, (she waved her hand at the way I was dressed) you’ll be even closer, and I’m as happy as I can be. You’ll be almost as close as twin sisters. I love you both so much. I couldn’t wish for better children.”

“Thanks, Mom. Wow! Mom, I actually did see her! It was like I could have reached out and touched her!”

“You’re blessed with love … both of you! You know, most girls would be mad as hell if they had a brother who got into their stuff. Claire never said a word. I probably should have guessed, though, since I kept finding my own stuff out of place.”

“Sorry, Mom.”

“It’s Ok. You never left anything dirty or torn up. I think you have more than me, now. I may need to borrow now and then.”

I smiled at my mom. “Sure! Do you think she will remember sending me that message?”

“Probably not. We’ll ask her.”

After about 20 minutes, we were told we could go in and see Claire. We went in quietly. She was awake, but looked very sleepy.

“Claire? It’s Mommy and Chrissy.”

Her speech was somewhat slurred, but we could understand her. “Hey. This is crazy! Chrissy? Are you OK? I thought about you. I wanted to tell you not to worry about me.”

“You did!”

“Huh?”

“We’ll tell you more later. Right now, you need to rest, OK?”

“Ok.” She closed her eyes and we left the room.

“Mom, I wonder if Jody is ok.”

“Ok, but first, young lady,” my Mom said, “you have blood on your new dress. You haven’t been shot. What happened?”

“It’s football player blood, Mom.”

“What?”

“A football player name Ken Hayden fell on top of me and protected me. He was shot and bled on me. I need to see if he’s here.”

My mom asked about him. He was also in surgery, but they wouldn’t tell us anything else because we weren’t kin.

“Well, you have yourself a hero.”

“Mom, get this, just yesterday he asked me to go steady.”

“Really? You’re getting the hang of this in a hurry.”

“I wasn’t really sure he was serious. Now I see that he was serious enough to take a bullet for me though! Could you ask about Jody?”

My mom asked about Jody, but they said they had no one by that name.

“That’s good, Mom. Jody is probably OK. I’ll try his cell phone.” I punched Jody’s number in on my cell and it went straight to voice mail. It was good to hear his voice, even though it was just a recording saying he was unable to get to the phone, and please leave a message. I didn’t bother leaving a message, because he never checked his messages anyway.

In the hospital hall, I saw Aspen Jennings. She always knew the latest news, so I asked her if she had heard anything.

“One student was killed,” she said breathlessly. “All I know is that his first name is ‘James’.” Even though it was bad news I could tell she loved being the font of all knowledge.

“Thanks, Aspen. Ok, Mom, I guess I’ll catch up with Jody later.”

We got into the car and headed for home. I was thinking about Claire, Ken, Jody, and some of the other kids. Suddenly, I remembered something about Jody.

“Oh my God, Mom!” I burst into tears. “No! No! No!”

I was sobbing uncontrollably and near panic. My mom pulled the car over. “What is it, Chrissy?”

Next: A rose by any other name….

To catch up … Chrissy and her mom have visited Claire in the hospital after a school shooting.

In the hospital hall, I saw Aspen Jennings. She always knew the latest news, so I asked her if she had heard anything.

“One student was killed,” she said breathlessly. “All I know is that his first name is ‘James’.” Even though it was bad news I could tell she loved being the font of all knowledge.

“Thanks, Aspen. Ok, Mom, I guess I’ll catch up with Jody later.”

We got into the car and headed for home. I was thinking about Claire, Ken, Jody, and some of the other kids. Suddenly, I remembered something about Jody.

“Oh my God, Mom!” I burst into tears. “No! No! No!”

I was sobbing uncontrollably and near panic. My mom pulled the car over. “What is it, Chrissy?”

“It’s Jody, Mom. His full name is ‘James Jody Cameron’, but he has always gone by ‘Jody. Oh, Mom, it’s Jody, I just know it is.”

“Calm down, Honey. I’ll make some calls. There are a lot of kids in that school.” We pulled into our driveway. “Go lie on your bed and let me make some calls.”

“OK, Mom.”

I lay across my bed. I could faintly hear my mom on the phone, but I couldn’t understand anything she was saying. Then, I heard her say a little louder, “Oh, no!” I knew then … my pal, my boyfriend, my best friend in the whole world ... was dead!

Someone rapped lightly on my door. “Come in, Mom.” She opened the door, but before she could say anything, I said, “I know, Mom. It’s Jody.”

She rushed to my bedside and held me as I unloaded my pain and grief. It couldn’t be Jody ... but it was Jody! I sobbed until I hurt. My Jody! It can’t be Jody!

“Mom, what am I gonna do?”

She didn’t answer. What could she say? There was no comfort for me … only pain and misery. I repeated, “Jody! My Jody is gone!”

She brought me two white tablets. “Take these, Honey, then try to rest.”

I took the tablets and the pain eased a bit. I began to feel sleepy. I closed my eyes. So sleepy ….

I woke up and it was getting dark outside. Reality hit me again after the brief respite while I slept. I ventured out of my room and went to the dining room, where my mom was seated at the table working on her laptop.

“Feel better, Honey?”

“Yes, ma’am … a little. I just can’t believe it!”

“Yes, denial is the first step in grieving. It will take a while, but it will get better, I promise.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I’m going to visit Claire. You wanna come?”

“Yes! I’ll get ready.”

Claire had heard about Jody, and she had been crying. “I’m sorry, Chrissy. I know how much he meant to you. Mom, what about the shooter?”

“Oh, he’s in jail, or course. If he ever gets out, it won’t be for a very long time. All I’ve heard is that he was a senior and his first name is Sean. It doesn’t matter much. What’s important is the victims. You should be able to come home in a couple of days.”

“I’ll be glad to get home. I wonder when classes will start back.”

“Probably next week. Get some rest, Honey.”

“That’s about all I can do here.”

When the “couple of days” passed that Mom had promised her, Claire was more than ready to leave the hospital. She said if they tried to keep her one more day, she would sneak out when no one was looking. I believed her; she was that much like Mom.

Jody’s funeral was the next day and Claire said there was no way she would let me go alone.

Mom dropped Claire and me off early for Jody’s funeral. Jody didn’t look real. He looked like a wax figure. As I looked down at him, Claire squeezed my hand, and I realized how lucky I was to have her.

A man approached us and said, “Chrissy Davis?”

I said, “That’s me.”

“Could you come out in the hall for a minute?” He looked like a nice enough guy, so Claire and I followed him. He started out with, “My name is John Cameron, and that’s my son laid out in there. I know who you are and I want you to get your ass out of here you perverted little pissant, and don’t show your face here again!”

I was speechless, as was Claire. I had never heard an adult talk like that, and he was talking to me! I couldn’t believe my ears! I felt myself blushing and my heart was pounding. The tears would be coming soon. Jody’s mom came out the door, however, just in time to hear what he was saying. “John, hold on. You better shut up before you get yourself in trouble. These girls ….”

“This is not a girl … it’s a … thing … a pervert”

“John, close your mouth before you get yourself in a hole you can’t get out of. Now you listen to me. I’ll tell you when to talk, and I’ll tell you what to say! The mother of these two girls is a friend of mine. She is also an attorney, and she would love to take you to court for the thousands of dollars of child support you owe. If she does that, you will have no choice but to pay up or go to jail.”

By this time, the man was very quiet.

“Now, apologize to these girls and get out!”

The man’s attitude change incredibly. “Ladies, I have been extremely rude, and I’m sorry. Please accept my sincere apology.”

I was stunned by the man’s change in attitude. “Thank you, Mr. Cameron. That’s really gracious.”

Claire spoke up, “We accept your apology.”

“Ladies, have a good day.” He nodded his head slightly and left.

Mrs. Cameron watched as he left, then turned to us. “Girls, they say ‘Money talks and bullshit walks’. You’ve just seen an example of both. The money talked, he listened, and you’ve just seen the bullshit walk away.”

Claire and I smiled. “Thank you, Mrs. Cameron.”

“Chrissy, Jody was a new person because of you. It seemed like every time he opened his mouth in the past few weeks it was something about Chrissy. He would see something advertised on TV, and he would say, ‘I’ll bet would Chrissy would like one of those’.” She opened her purse. “I want to show you something. This is part of the reason John is so angry. Jody called him and told him he had a new girlfriend and asked for money to buy her a gift. Of course, he didn’t tell his dad who the new girlfriend was.” She pulled a tiny box out of her purse. “He used his dad’s money to buy you this.”

I opened the box to find the most beautiful engagement ring I had ever seen.

“He knew he was probably buying that a long time before he needed to, but he said he didn’t want to let you slip away from him. Chrissy, the ring is yours, and I want you to put the ring on and wear it as long as you like. Also, I want both of you to sit with the family during the funeral. Our family is not that big, so we have plenty of room. Don’t worry about John. He’s a changed man, thanks to my threat to his finances.”

She led us to the family seating area. Mr. Cameron stood when he saw us approaching. I thought he was going to cause some trouble. He stood still, however, until we sat, then he sat back down. I can’t say he was a gentleman, but he knew how to act like one. I wore the ring, but I didn’t make a show of it since Mr. Cameron was behaving and I saw no need to antagonize him.

The room was full and overflowing, mostly with students. Mr. Hammond and many school staff members were there. Apparently, the principal was another one able to put on a “gentleman” act when the need arose.

I was only vaguely aware of what the preacher said about Jody. The whole scene was surreal. You’re not supposed to have a funeral for a teenager. We waited as the guests passed by the casket, then, everyone in the family stood up and Claire and I followed as the family passed by the casket for one last viewing. This was the very last time I would ever see his face, and it was so incredibly painful for me I can’t begin to describe it. I couldn’t imagine what his mom was going through. A relatively small percentage of moms are put through this, and she seemed to hold up incredibly well under the circumstances.

I thought it was an odd custom of having the family view the casket, then going outside where everyone else has gathered and stands watching as the family exits. It’s almost as if the family is being judged as to whether their grief is sufficient. After the judging is done, everyone goes to their cars to await the loading of the casket into the hearse. Then, the procession of cars begins a slow ride escorted by police motorcycles, stopping traffic as the mourners are treated to the rare privilege of running through any traffic lights or stop signs on the way to the cemetery.

At the cemetery the family gathers, surrounded by other mourners, as the preacher says a few final words and a prayer. Then, everyone leaves and the casket is lowered into the ground; never to be seen again.

A funeral is a ritual performed in an attempt to accomplish the extremely difficult task of bringing some degree of comfort to the bereaved. Friends and family gather to commiserate … to come together and remember the deceased and take some comfort in the knowledge that our God is a just God, and Jesus paid everything for the sins of the deceased as well as our own. That may bring some degree of comfort, but there is nothing celebratory or happy about any of this; nor should there be. In this case, the age of the deceased makes the scene even more dreadful. Finally, the family and friends depart for their homes to continue their grieving and, for this particular occasion, try to understand how God could allow such a thing to happen.

Jody was my friend, and that friendship was growing and had the prospects of a wonderful future. In a small portion of a second, that future was gone. Jody wasn’t perfect, but he was head and shoulders above most. “I just can’t believe it!” The sentence went through my mind over and over, with renewed pain every time. There is no quick and easy cure for this pain. Time offers some solace, but it is an extended time, during which the pain is a constant, unwanted companion.

The day after the funeral, I got my mom to take me to visit Ken at the hospital. He was sitting up in bed looking as healthy as could be, and he smiled when I went into the room,

“Hey, Chrissy! How’s it going?”

“Fine! I wanted to come by to talk just a bit. First, I want to say thank you!”

He was obviously confused. “For …?”

“Saving my life, of course!”

“I did? Oh, yeah! Well, thank you for breaking my fall!”

“Are you kidding? If you hadn’t been on top of me, I would have been killed. You were shot three times while you were covering me!”

“It’s all a blur! I’m glad you’re OK!”

“Thank you! The only thing I suffered was having a 250 lb. hunk on top of me for several minutes. I managed but, you know, you could have been paralyzed!”

“Yeah, but the bullets missed anything really important.”

“I also wanted to say, ‘I think it would be great, but given all that’s happened, give me a little more time.’”

He was really puzzled now. “Huh?”

“You asked me to go steady … or have you changed your mind?”

“Oh, that! No, I haven’t changed my mind at all. I just kinda almost forgot, what with everything that’s happened. So, a little more time. I can understand that. Chrissy, I was serious about that. Think about it as long as you want to!”

“Can I give you a ‘thank you’ hug?”

“Yeah! Come here!”

I leaned over his bed and put my arms around his neck. He managed to find my lips with his and kissed me with unabashed passion. My heart was pounding so hard I felt he must have heard it. We finally parted and, of course, I was blushing. “Ken, that was unexpected!”

“But OK … I hope.”

“Oh, yeah, more than OK, Ken. Yes. I liked that.”

“There’s plenty more where that came from!”

“You not the shy type, are you?”

“Nope … life’s too short!”

“Call me when you get out of the hospital, OK?”

He got out a notepad and wrote a phone number on it. “Call this number. I’ll miss the call, but when I get my phone back I’ll have your number and you’ll have mine.”

“OK, I’ll come visit you at home if you want me to, but maybe it should be when your parents are home.”

“He grinned. Don’t worry, I’m a gentleman!”

“I can also see that you’re the ‘gallant’ type.”

“What? How can you see that?”

“Have you ever heard of the ‘gallant reflex’?”

“No. What in the world is that?”

“Look at your sheet. You are experiencing the ‘gallant reflex’ right now!”

He looked at his sheet, and it formed a “tent” just below his waist. It was his turn to blush as he ruffled the covers to hide his arousal.

“It’s OK, Ken. I guess it’s difficult sometimes for a guy to hide the fact that he likes a girl. Instead of ‘difficult’, maybe I should use the word ‘hard’.”

“Chrissy, you’re something else!”

“No doubt about that, Ken.”

Ken had to smile about that comment.

“I better go, Ken. Be sure to call me when you get home.”

“Oh, I will, Chrissy! I can’t wait for another hug!”

On the way, home I had an issue return to my mind that I hadn’t thought about recently. Am I gay? I thought I was attracted to Jody because it was a special relationship, and I could never be attracted to another guy, but I couldn’t deny my excitement when Ken kissed me. I wanted more of that! I thought no one could match Jody’s kindness and caring, but Ken was special, too. I couldn’t be in love with Ken after so short a time. If not love, then it was just sexual attraction to him, which couldn’t happen because he’s a guy! OK, I’m not gay … I’m just a normal teenager … a girl! But I also couldn’t deny my attraction to the girls at school either. So I’m bi-sexual! That’s more gay than just gay, but I decided to go with that.

When classes resumed, the whole school had a different aura. The once carefree attitude of students was replaced by a solemnity not usually associated with a high school. There were areas still cordoned off for continued investigation, and everyone ignored them other to detour around them.

I got a summons the first period of the first day. I assumed that the principal was fed up with the way I dressed, but I was more determined now not to give up. Jody wouldn’t have wanted me to. When I got to the office, however, it was a counselor who wanted to talk to me.

“Hello, Chrissy, my name is Ann Roberts. I’m a psychologist with a practice here in town. Some other counselors and I have been brought in to talk with students about the recent, tragic incident that occurred here at the school.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Now, James Jody Cameron, who everyone knew as ‘Jody’, was the only student who passed away from his injuries. We wanted to speak first with the students who were closest to the deceased. Your name came up, but I’m told that you and Jody were not as close during recent weeks as you once were.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“My concern is that possibly the two of you had some type of disagreement that caused distance between the two of you. If that’s the case, I thought you might want to talk about what caused a problem. In cases similar to this, the survivor sometimes feels regret about having an unresolved rift between him or her and the deceased.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.” She seemed taken aback.

“I miss Jody, but we had no rift.”

“Oh, you’re sure.”

“Yes. Should I explain?”

“Yes, please do!”

“First of all, I’m not what I appear to be.” She nodded. I figured she came into the interview aware of most of the facts. “I was born a boy.”

“Yes, that’s in the file, here. So, do you want to tell me about your relationship with Jody?”

I explained that I appeared to be a normal boy to everyone, but Jody was more than a best friend. I told her about when the two of us had sleepovers; I would snuggle up to Jody and get a sense of safety and security.

“When you snuggled up with Jody, what was his reaction?”

“He was OK with it. At least, he never tried to push me away. I’m sure, though, he would not have wanted anyone else to know about it. I guess we both knew that our relationship was OK, as long as we didn’t make it known to everyone. He said because I was tiny, with long hair, he kinda thought of me as a child needing security or even a girl.”

“Did either of your parents know?”

“I really think his mom knew, but she never said anything. She actually treated me a lot like Jody treated me. The first time I met her, she thought I was a girl, and when we went to his room, she insisted he leave the door open. He talked to his mom after I left and told her I was a boy. She was embarrassed and apologized to me the next time I came over, which embarrassed me but I told her it was no big deal. She still treated me kinda like I was his girlfriend; I guess she couldn’t help it, but she didn’t make him close the door after that.

“My mom suspected something about me and Jody, but she knew a lot more about me than I imagined.”

“What did she know?”

I told her about the “borrowing” of clothing, and that my mom and sister knew about it for a long time. I left out the part about the medicine my mom gave me because I thought it might get her into trouble. I then went on to tell her about the protest regarding what we could wear to school, and how I wore girls’ clothing from then on.

“You’re very brave to come to school dressed like this.”

“Jody and I started the protest, so we were both pretty popular. When you’re popular you can get away with a lot, and since school started back no one seems in the mood to do any bullying or harassing.”

“So, do you think you’re going to pursue a gender change?”

“Yes.”

“So, can you tell me why Jody and you didn’t seem to be such good friends in the past few weeks?”

“Yes. It just seems that way. I told him I didn’t want us to be seen together because it might ruin his reputation. I asked if we could cool it for a while to see how I was accepted. He didn’t really want to, but he agreed that it might be best.”

“Do you feel like you were accepted?”

“Oh, yes. II knew it when a football player, Ken Hayden asked me to steady!”

“He did know the whole story when he asked you, right?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ever consider he might not be serious?”

“Yes, until the shooting.”

“Why did the shooting change things?”

“It was Ken Hayden, and he’s the one who saved my life.”

“How did he save your life?”

“He fell on top of me and covered me while he was shot in the back three times.”

“Wow! What a brave young man. Have you talked to him since?”

“I visited him in the hospital. He said he’s gonna call me when he gets home so I can visit him there.”

“You know, just looking at you and talking with you … it impossible for me to believe you’re a boy!”

“Thank you.”

“That’s all the time we have right now, but let’s talk again, OK?”

“Ok.”

“Now, Principal Hammond has told me he wants to talk to you after our interview.”

“Uh oh.”

“I know he hasn’t been that nice to you in the past, but listen to what he has to say, OK?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I left that interview and was escorted into Principal Hammond’s office. “Well, Chrissy, things have changed a lot!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Things have changed more than you know. First of all, let me express my condolences about the death of your friend, Jody. It’s tough losing someone, but at your age, it’s much worse.”

“Thank you, sir.” I was waiting for the punch line. Surely an insult was coming. I must have punishment coming for some infraction.

“You know, the protest about the shorts and that whole mess, I would like to put that whole mess behind us. Do you think we can do that?”

“I can, sir.”

“Good. Now, I’ve been doing a lot of research about your condition.” He waved his hand toward my clothing. “It’s all very interesting. Are you seeing a counselor?”

“Yes, my mom takes me to see someone.”

“So, you’re serious about this.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, with all my reading and research, I’ve come to understand that this is a real condition and not just playing ‘dress up’. I want you to know you have my full support. I will not tolerate any harassment or bullying that might come as a result of this. Continue to use whatever restroom you’ve been using because no one has complained. As for P.E., just continue going to the library during your P.E. time.”

I sat stunned for a few seconds. “Uh, thank you, sir.”

“I’d like to set something up for you. You can say ‘no’ and I will understand completely. I would like to call all the students together. I will introduce you, then, I would like for you to address the student body about what you’ve been through, about your relationship with Jody, and about your plans for the future. Write out a speech so that I can look at it beforehand. I will also let you review what I’m going to say. What do you think?”

“Tell them about my gender change?”

“It will be difficult, I know, but I think it’s best to get it out into the open. If you try to keep quiet about something like this, the rumors that fly get exaggerated to something outrageous.”

“I’ll try to write something.”

“If you need some help, I’ll get one of the journalism students to help you. You can choose who you want to help you from a list of volunteers, or you can get someone else to help you.”

“Thank you.”

“Any questions?”

“No, sir.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Uh … what do you mean?”

“Well, with the way things have gone between us recently, surely you must be wondering why I seem to have had a ‘change of heart’. I know that I would be wondering about that if I were you. Aren’t you wondering about that?”

“Well, yes sir.”

“Ok, I’m sure a lot of people would tell me I shouldn’t talk about this to a student, but you’re actually very mature emotionally and mentally. Physically is another thing, but that’s not important right now. The shooting incident has caused me to do some soul searching. I heard about the bravery of Ken Hayden and that touched me greatly. He’s not a dumb jock, but a caring and fearless individual. Then, I overheard what John Cameron said to you at Jody’s funeral and I was stunned that someone could be so heartless. I see those two people at opposite ends of what you might call the ‘Character Spectrum’. If I compare myself to those two people, I realize that the way I have acted since I’ve been principal here has been closer on the spectrum to John Cameron with his heartlessness, rather than Ken Hayden with his selflessness and bravery.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. When I was younger, I was determined I would grow up to be the best person I could be. I would be brave, caring, generous … all the positive things a man can be. In high school, I became associated with guys who cared little about those types of things and I moved more toward their way of thinking. Then, I got into the school district bureaucracy, where those good personality traits are not appreciated and not rewarded. I adapted a way of thinking that would help me to advance in this environment, and I have had some degree of success, but at the price of my family, my friends, and my own self-esteem. Now, we all know we’re on this earth for a limited time, but Jody’s death brought into focus for me the fact that any one of us can go any time. We really don’t have a promise that we will live to old age. When I go, I don’t want to leave a trail of broken promises, broken hearts, and anger. I would like for people to say about me simply, ‘He was a good man.’ That sounds corny, I know, but I’ve decided to get back on track and be the man I should be and I intend to start now.

“Your case is the perfect way to start. I studied quite a lot of psychology while I was in college. I know a bit about your issue, and I know it is real. Knowing all this, it would be very unprofessional of me to refuse to help you, or any student under my care. Are you willing to let me help you?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Thank you. This is going to be tough, I know, but I would like for you to write a speech you can give to the student body to explain what’s going on. Drop the speech in my mail slot when you’re done with it, OK?”

“Ok. Yes, sir.”

“Good! Now, remember … if you decide you can’t write this, I can get you some help, or you can decide not to do it at all. Go back to class for now, and have a good day.”

“You too, sir.”

“One more thing; you can tell any other students about this conversation if you wish. I would rather you not say anything, because I would like for my future actions to speak for themselves.”

“Not a word, sir.”

“Thank you! Also, I’m having an air conditioning repairman come in to see if we can be cooler in the whole school.”

“Wow! Thanks!”

“Bye for now. Keep those grades up!”

“I will!”

To say I was stunned is a huge understatement. I would have to think about this for a very long time. I didn’t doubt that he was sincere, so no issue there. What would I say to the student body? I would certainly talk about Jody, but I wouldn’t do that with getting his mom’s approval of my speech. To me, her approval was more important than that of the principal.

In the past, I would have gone straight to Jody with something like this. Would I have told Jody, despite my promise to not tell? I don’t think so, because he wouldn’t pressure me if he knew I was keeping a confidence. It would be difficult for both of us because I would be dying to tell and he would be dying to know. Oh, wow! Now I hate it because I used the word “dying” in reference to Jody. It’s just a figure of speech, though. The thing is, I didn’t have anyone to not tell. Jody had been my friend. Jody was the one I loved. Jody was my confidante. Jody was my sounding board. Jody was my guide. Jody was my protector. Jody was my everything.

I drifted through the rest of the school day thinking more about what the principal said. Whatever was covered in classes were things I guess I’ll never learn. I realized it was ironic that Jody would never know the effect he had on Principal Hammond, and there’s no way he could have ever enjoyed the effects of our “new” principal because his death was the cause. Of course, I would gladly have the old principal back if it meant having Jody back, too.

The school day I thought was endless actually ended. I trudged home thinking about what, if anything, I would say to the student body. It was an unusual time. Everyone’s feelings were near the surface and they would be more receptive to the type of thing I would be saying. I arrived home, where Claire was still recuperating. I tapped lightly on her bedroom door.

“Come in.”

“How are you?”

“Chrissy, I think I’m gonna go crazy lying here all day!”

“Claire, I need help.”

Claire smiled. “You’re already seeing a psychiatrist!”

“Principal Hammond wants to assemble everyone in school and have me tell them about my decision to get a sex change.”

“That asshole!”

“Wait, Claire. It’s not like that. He thinks if I come right out and tell everyone it will stop rumors from getting started. He also thinks most of the students will support me.”

“Well … what do you think?”

“I think it’s possible.”

“What’s happened to Hammond?”

“I don’t know! He was actually nice to me!”

“That’s when you need to watch your back! By the way, that dress really looks nice on you.”

“Thank you.” I struck a sexy pose for just a second. “I need to write a speech to give. I for sure don’t want to go in front of everyone without something written out.”

“Good idea. I would help you, but you’re a better writer than I am.”

“I’ll give it a shot. Hammond wants to read it, but I’d like for you to be the first to read it.”

“Aww, thanks. How are you … otherwise?”

“I just can’t believe it. I miss Jody so much. During the day I catch myself thinking about something and say, ‘I’m gonna tell Jody …’, then it hits me all over again.”

“I know I think about him a lot. Are you eating? You look like you’re losing weight.”

“I’m not eating much. I don’t feel hungry.”

“Be careful. Make yourself eat if you have to.”

“OK. I’m gonna write my speech and bring it to you, OK?”

“OK. I love your writing anyway.”

“Thanks.”

I struggled with the speech for two hours. When my mom came home, I told her about the whole situation. She didn’t trust Hammond and told me to watch myself. I told her I would. After hours of writing and rewriting, I came up with what I hoped would be my final draft. It was extremely personal stuff to be sharing with the entire student body, but I hoped to make them understand what I was doing and why. I took it to my mom, who edited it to be what I think is an extremely well-written communication. After her edits, she printed it out in a big font to make it easy to read under less than optimal conditions.

The next day, I dropped a copy of the speech off with Jody’s mom. I explained to her that the whole school would hear it, and I would make any changes she wished for me to make. I told her I would leave Jody out completely if she wanted me too. She agreed to read it, and I told her I would stop by her house after school to see how she felt about it.

I also checked with Ken and got his permission to mention his courageous actions during the crisis.

After school, I knocked on Mrs. Cameron’s door. I could tell she had been crying. “Mrs. Cameron, I can make any changes or leave Jody out completely. Just tell me what the problem ….”

“Chrissy, I’ve read this over and over and it’s just so sweet! Don’t change one word! I will be honored for you to give this speech to the school. I’m sure Jody would feel the same way!”

“Oh, thank you!”

“Thank you for being such a good friend to Jody! He was so lucky to have you!”

“I was lucky to have him. I’m kinda lost without him.”

“I know. Everything in this house reminds me of Jody. I’m seriously thinking of moving. I don’t know if I can stay here. Look, you can stop by here any time. We can have lemon pie and just talk. We can talk about Jody, but we don’t have to just talk about him. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.”

“I’ll do that, Mrs. Cameron. If you want me to, I can ask the principal if you can come listen to my speech.”

“No. Don’t go to the trouble. People would wonder who the old lady in the back boo-hooing was. Can I keep this copy?”

“Sure! I can print out as many copies as I need.”

“Thank you, Chrissy. You’re a sweet, beautiful girl.”

As I walked home, I wondered how Mrs. Cameron dealt with the loneliness. It had to be tough living alone after having Cameron for 17 years. It made me sad just thinking about it.

Claire was home when I got there, but I went straight to my and plopped across my bed. I was near tears as loneliness weighed heavily on me. Hopelessness added to the weight. My sweetheart … my lover was just a memory. He could not be replaced. I even felt a little guilty because Mrs. Cameron must have it ten times worse.

There was a light rap on my bedroom door. “Come in, Claire.”

“You OK, sister?”

“I’m OK, Claire. I’m just so sad!”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help.”

“Thanks, but there’s no help for me.”

“Can I read your speech?”

“Yeah, there’s a copy on my dresser.”

“Cool!” She grabbed the papers and went to her room.

I dropped my speech off at the principal’s off first thing the next morning. Later in the morning, the principal got on the loudspeaker and announce to the whole school that the entire student body was to meet in the school auditorium for a special program at 1PM. I started sweating, but no one seemed to notice. I was one of a few people aware of the topic of the special program. The principal sent a note to my third-period class to come to the office immediately after I had lunch. It was the first time I had ever had a summons to the principal’s office without knowing I was in trouble.

So, I had lunch and headed to the principal’s office.

“Chrissy, this is an excellent speech. Did you write it?”

“Yes sir, I wrote it, but my mom edited it and printed it out.”

“Well, it’s very well written.” He handed me a one-page computer printout. “This is what I’ll be saying. You’ll find it’s just an introduction for you. It’s your show.”

“Thank you.”

“Come with me.”

I followed the principal to the stage door of the auditorium. The curtains were closed and we went onto the stage. There were chairs set up for just the principal and me, so we sat and waited. We could hear the students noisily entering the auditorium. The several minutes we waited seemed like an hour. Finally, the curtain opened and Principal Hammond went to the microphone to light applause. He did his introduction, and it was now “my show”. I was in the spotlight; somewhere I never had a desire to be. I began reading my speech. Being an excellent reader as well as writer, it was surprisingly easy despite it being my first time before such a large audience. Rather than just read the words, I thought about what I was saying because I wanted the emotion to get through to the audience to try to elicit empathy. To have them feel what it’s like to be me, to go through my pain and confusion. I always thought I had a latent acting ability so this was my chance to try it out.

“Fellow Students, School Staff, and Faculty:

“As you all know, our school recently endured a tragedy. First of all, I would like to tell everyone here that there is a hero here among you today. During the shooting, Ken Hayden fell on top of me and shielded me as he took three bullets in the back. Had he not been there, I most likely would have been killed. As it turned out, the only pain and suffering I had first-hand was being crushed by over two-hundred pounds of football player. Ken, I know I didn’t tell you I was going to do this, but your actions were so heroic … so above and beyond what I could have ever expected, that I would like you to stand right now and let everyone show their appreciation for your courage.”

Ken stood, and the applause was substantial, but he looked a little embarrassed. Still, I thought I did the right thing by recognizing him.

The applause died down after a couple of minutes, and I continued. “Several people were injured and one person was killed. The person who died was my very best friend, Jody Cameron. Principal Hammond has asked me to share some things about Jody and his life, as well as aspects of my personal life. Hopefully, I can have everyone understand why I do some of the things I do; especially why I dress the way I dress."

There was some subdued chattering among the crowd members.

“Jody Cameron and I were best friends for four years. He was a lot bigger than I am, and I depended on him for a lot of things. He was a good listener, advisor, and friend. He filled in the blanks for me when I didn’t understand some things that went on at school and elsewhere. He always seemed to have an answer and that was perfect for someone who always seemed to have a question.

“As time went by our relationship outgrew the description ‘friend’ or even ‘best friend’. I moved from being his friend to being attracted to him. I wasn’t attracted in a sexual way. This may be difficult to understand, because usually ‘attraction’ means ‘sexual attraction’. I was attracted to him because of his goodness, his character, and the way he treated me. He actually treated me as if were a younger brother or sister, or even a girlfriend. This, of course, without the kissing, etc. that I’ve heard goes on between girlfriends and boyfriends.”

That got a bit of laughter from the crowd.

“I think he was attracted to me partially by a need to be needed. If you’ve ever experienced the positive feelings that can come after doing a good deed for someone who was in real need, then you understand. That’s why it’s said, ‘It’s better to give than to receive.’

“I knew Jody was struggling about his feelings, too. Neither of felt we were gay because we weren’t attracted to other boys … only each other. It wasn’t sexual attraction, we each enjoyed and benefitted from our relationship, we just weren’t able to define it, and we were both unable to talk about it.

“When the summer heatwave caused the school classrooms to be uncomfortably hot because the air conditioners weren’t able to keep up; Jody decided that the two of us should approach the school administration to ask if something could be done to make it a little more comfortable. During our talk with the principal, we complained that the girls could keep somewhat cool in dresses and skirts while the school’s dress code said the boys had to wear long pants. The principal jokingly asked if we wanted to wear skirts and dresses and actually said, in effect, ‘go ahead’. Jody and I took him up on his offer and arranged a protest with the boys borrowing clothes from the girls and wearing them to school to pressure the school administration to get a change in the school’s dress code.

“The school’s dress code did change, but it caused an even bigger, more personal change for Jody and me. I borrowed my sister’s dress for the protest and she put makeup on me. When Jody saw me, his eyes lit up and he inadvertently called me ‘babe’. Suddenly, I was not so confused but I could see that Jody was more conflicted than before. His best friend was now a pretty girl … or was she?

“What became clear to me was that I was not a boy attracted to another boy, but I was a girl, and other boys held no interest for me because I had found my true love.

“Let me say something that will not be news to anyone here. Girls and boys are different. Girls are attracted to a guy because of a number of factors; his personality, his strength, his intelligence, and his looks. Guys are attracted to girls by a number of factors also, but looks are by far the deciding factor. I already had all the qualifications of a lover for Jody except the one factor that is so critical to most people; gender. So, when someone for whom Jody had a strong friendship was suddenly a pretty girl … or appeared to be, he was conflicted. Suddenly, sexual attraction was added to the mix. Was he to ignore my looks and still be just friends or acknowledge that he was in love with someone who was once his best friend? Then, one night, he came by my house and brought me a gift of heart-shaped earrings. To me the shape of the earrings was symbolic. In his heart, he had resolved any conflicts about our relationship.

“We were both extremely happy, but we realized our relationship would not be acceptable to a lot of people and would subject us to a lot of harassment and bullying. So, we decided to just ‘split up’ until we felt we could be more open about the subject.

“Then came that horrible, chaotic day. Imagine my shock to find that the one fatality was my true love. It didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t. I still see Jody in the hall sometimes. I still think I hear his voice ... from where? Oh … I think it was over there. No … maybe …. Well, it couldn’t be. I will never hear his voice again. Think about someone you love and try to imagine the pain if you can. However you can imagine it … the pain is worse. His life and his death have affected dozens of people. I know one person, in particular, has been profoundly affected positively, but I have been sworn to secrecy by this person not to reveal his or her name.

“The mood around the school has been solemn recently. It won’t be long until things get back to some kind of normal. I’m hoping, however, that one thing will not get back to normal, and that’s the tendency of some in the school to disrespect anyone who for whatever reason doesn’t fit in their idea of normal. These trouble makers are few in number, but the disruption and pain they cause are well out of proportion with their numbers.

“Let us hold on to this feeling of harmony brought on by tragedy. Let us enjoy a new spirit of togetherness in Jody’s name. Everyone will benefit from this.

“Thank you for your attention and have a good afternoon.”

I turned to go back to my chair on stage next to the principal. As I sat, a few people applauded, followed quickly by a few others. People began standing, and the applause built quickly into a thunderous standing ovation. I was both stunned and clueless about what to do. Principal Hammond stood up and went to the microphone to wait for the room to get quiet.

I take it by your response that most of you agree with the things that Chrissy has said today. It would be easy to just go your way and forget what she has said. I hope you won’t do that. Please take Chrissy’s speech to heart, and together, we can bring a new philosophy of cooperation to this school. I’m going to dismiss you for the rest of the day. Think about all this, and come back tomorrow with that new philosophy. Have a good afternoon and see you tomorrow!

Everyone cheered for that, even though it was just a couple of extra hours of freedom. I got a lot of “thumbs up” and a lot of “good job” comments. I was exhausted from the stress of the speech. I thought about Ken. Why was I attracted to him? Denying my attraction was futile. When I visited him at the hospital, I got a feeling of warmth, support, and strength similar to what I had felt with Jody. Within myself, I never felt much strength or confidence. I wondered if I would go from depending on Jody to depending on Ken. I had never thought about it, but now I worried if I would always have to rely on someone. I know girls who are not dependent on someone like I am. My sister, Claire, is one example. Some people, boys or girls, seem to be born with self-confidence. But, for me, it was scary to think of not having someone bigger and stronger beside me. I realize that with a personality like mine, I would never make it as a man. After my speech at the school, maybe the worst was over, but there was no turning back regardless.

A couple of days later, my cell phone rang. It was Ken. “Hey Chrissy, I’m lonesome.”

“Aww. Why don’t you get some friends to come over?”

“Why do you think I’m calling you?”

“You were supposed to call me when you got out of the hospital. You’ve been in school for a couple of days … maybe I missed that call.”

“I talked to you at school.”

“You promised to call as soon as you … never mind.”

“Well, things have been a little craz ….”

“You’re forgiven!”

“Wow, that was easy!”

“I’m easy. Scratch that … I’m a forgiving person.”

“Thanks, Chrissy. I could use some company. Yours would be best.”

“I’ll see if I can come over. What’s your address?” He gave me his address and I found he only lived five blocks from me.

“Mom, can I go visit Ken? Poor thing, he’s lonesome.”

“Sure! Need a ride?”

“No, thanks. It’s walking distance.”

“Head home before dark!”

“OK, Mom.”

I texted him, “OMW”, and started walking and thinking. Why am I so excited? Maybe it’s a blessing that we can’t have sex. I thought about girls who were raped. Guys were incredibly strong, and when they get excited it would be impossible to fend off an attack. Ken wasn’t like that … was he? I knew I could trust Jody. Now, I knew what girls go through and why they have to be careful. Some girls were not careful at all, but sex didn’t seem to be a big deal to many of them anyway until they get raped. I arrived at Ken’s house and tried to shut off my worries. I didn’t even have to knock. As I approached the front door, Ken flung it open. “Chrissy! Come in!”

I didn’t know whether to shake hands or hug, but he handled that. He pulled me close for a long hug, during which his lips found mine once more. He held me almost too tightly, but I didn’t want the kiss to end.

The kiss did end, though. “Come up to my room and we’ll talk.”

“Are your parents here?”

“Sorry, no, but they’ll be home in about an hour. Come on. I’ll be good!”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Aw, Chrissy. I’m really a nice guy!”

Reluctantly, I went to his room with him. Like Jody, he was assertive and I was a passive follower.

“Chrissy, have you thought any more about what I asked you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have an answer for me?”

“Yes, Ken. The answer is yes.”

“Really?” He seemed surprised at my response. “I have something for you.” He opened a drawer and pulled out a tiny box. Suddenly I flashed back to another tiny box. I kept my cool, though, and opened the box. It was a chain with a heart-shaped drop. “Lemme see, I’ll put it on you.” My whole body tingled as he drew close to put the chain around my neck. “This says ‘you’re taken. All others, back off’!”

He sat on the bed admiring his conquest as I stood and viewed his conquest in the mirror with a critical eye. I turned to him, leaned over, put my arms around his neck and kissed him. As I kissed him, he put his arms around my waist and pulled me down on top of him. I was in his strong arms, under his power, and I couldn’t resist if I tried. My whole body tingled as I tasted his sweetness, and felt his ‘excitement’. I knew I should stop, but I was totally under his control and didn’t want to stop anyway. I relaxed my entire body and shared his passion. Proscriptions regarding my behavior flashed into my mind at light speed and disappeared as quickly. He was so excited I thought he would burst. Too soon, the kiss ended and I lay my head on his shoulder. I reached and felt his ‘excitement’.

“Ken, this is amazing! Does it feel good?” I gave just a little squeeze to indicate what I was talking about.

“You don’t know how it feels? You never …?”

“No way. Do you feel anything like that on me?”

He reached to feel. I had a small girdle on to keep me in. I let him feel that I had no reaction like his at all.

“Wow. You really are a girl!”

“Well, you certainly are a guy. What does it feel like? Does it feel good?”

“No. It’s doesn’t feel good until ….”

“Yes?”

“Chrissy, I don’t know if I should talk to you about this.”

“I just want to know how it feels. I’ll never get to feel it.”

“Ok, it doesn’t feel good until I … make love to a girl. Then it feels damn good! It’s like a spring being wound up tight, and suddenly releasing.”

I lay my head on his shoulder again and my hand on his ‘excitement’. “I would love for you to make love to me, but it will be a while before that can happen.”

“You know, where your hand is right now is winding that spring up tighter.”

“Oh, sorry.” I pulled my hand away.

“No! Carry on!”

I put my hand back. I massaged him slightly. The bulge in his pants was huge and getting bigger. “Wow, Ken! I’m afraid you’re gonna bust out!” I stopped the massage.

“Don’t stop Chrissy!”

I continued the massage. His face was flushed; he was breathing heavily and moaning as if he were in pain. Apparently, he liked what I was doing so I didn’t stop. Then he let out a groan and he had spasms over his whole body as if he were having a seizure. This continued a few seconds, then his whole body relaxed. He reached down and took my hand off his pants. His breathing was still heavy, and I could feel his heart throbbing.

“You’re something else, Chrissy!”

“Are you OK, Ken?”

“Oh, yeah! More than OK! The spring is unwound.”

“Really? I thought you were gonna be sick!”

“Oh, Chrissy, you have a lot to learn. It’s not right for me to teach you. Talk to your sister.”

“You think Claire knows about this?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m pretty certain. Ask her, she’ll fill you in on the details. You are so sweet and innocent. I love you for that.”

“Watch out how you use that word.”

“What word?”

“Love.”

“Can I say, ‘I love you’?”

“You can say it, but maybe it’s a bit premature.”

“OK, I ‘L-word’ you.”

“I L-word you, Ken; ‘Like’, that is. Make that ‘Like plus’. You’re so good looking, strong, and brave; make that ‘Brave plus’. I feel safe and protected when I’m around you and you treat me with respect. I like you a lot, and I’ll be your girl until you dump me or something like that.”

“Chrissy! Dump you? Never!”

“Ken, you’re not afraid what people will say about you going with me?”

“That’s a good thing about being big. Not many people are brave enough to say anything. If they do, I’ll kick their ass!”

I grasped both his arms. “You are big and strong. I’m sure you are capable of doling out a good ‘ass-kicking’.”

“Yeah, I’ve done it.”

“Just take it easy, OK? I really don’t like violence, and I wouldn’t want you to hurt someone and get in trouble.”

“Anything for my girl.”

“Ken, I am your girl … only yours.”

He kissed me. This kiss was not as long or quite as passionate as the previous.

“Ken, it’s starting to get dark. I have to head home.”

“Let’s go, I’ll walk you.”

We walked toward my house hand in hand. Never had I felt so safe walking down the street. I now understood why girls like strong guys. When we arrived at my house, we stood on my front porch. He turned to me, “Chrissy, can I come by in the morning and walk you to school?”

“You better!”

“So right!”

We kissed again. It felt “So right.” I had a boyfriend. Everyone at school would know tomorrow and it would be acceptable. Ken would make sure of that. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Ken left and I went into the house.

I found my mom in the kitchen.

“How did it go?”

“Oh, Mom. It was great. He’s so sweet!”

“Oh? He tasted sweet?”

“Mom! You know what I mean!”

“Yes, but I know you tasted him. I saw you ‘tasting’ him on the porch just a few seconds ago.”

“Sorry, Mom. Is that bad?”

“Absolutely not, Honey! Part of dating is getting a taste!”

“Look, Mom.” I showed her my pendant.

“Oh, that looks expensive! It’s from Ken?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“The way you’re going you may never have to buy another piece of jewelry.”

“Mom, I have some questions about boys.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, we kissed ….”

“Yes, I know.”

“I mean, we kissed at his house. And a certain part of his body ….”

“He got excited … part of his body got bigger. What a surprise!”

“Yes! Why does that happen?”

“Oh, my sweet, innocent little girl! I probably shouldn’t have let you go over there without talking to you about … certain things.”

“Is that what’s called a ‘hard-on’?”

“Chrissy! Well, it’s OK … you didn’t know. Boys talk like that, but not girls … not good girls. That’s what they call it, though.”

“I think I got it.”

“Got what? I know you don’t have a ‘hard-on’!”

“Mom! No, of course not!”

“Good! What is it you have ‘got’?”

“I think I understand this ‘boy’ thing.”

“Really? You may know a little, but it’s probably just the tip of the iceberg! Oh … no pun intended!”

“Will that ever happen to me?”

“Oh, no. We’ll make sure it doesn’t. It would be a sure-fire way to turn a boy off if it happened to you.”

“Good, because it apparently makes a boy very uncomfortable!”

“That’s a good way to put it. It shows that a boy’s body is prepared to engage in sexual intercourse, and it can be very frustrating for a boy if he can’t. So, it happened to Ken while you were kissing.”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad you can’t have intercourse.”

“I guess I am too. One more question.”

“Just one more? OK.”

“I’ll speak plainly. The penis gets hard, but it also gets very big. How is that supposed to fit in a girl’s vagina?”

Mom smiled, “Honey, believe me. God designed it to fit, and it will fit. The girl has to be mature enough, though. That’s why is so dangerous when little girls have sex or get raped. The vagina is not ready. Sex at too young an age can cause tearing and sometimes permanent damage. There is another factor to this. The AIDS epidemic is spread primarily among young men. That’s because there has to be a transfer of blood. The skin inside the rectum is very thin, so the risk of infection is great. Sex between an infected man and a woman, however, is not near as dangerous because there is rarely any bleeding in the vagina. Of course, menstruation is another story. Still, the risk of a woman being infected by a man is about one in twelve-hundred.”

“All that is good to know, but I still don’t see how it fits.”

“You don’t have to worry about that for a long time. When the time comes, you won’t worry at all. Oh, it may be just a little difficult, but you’ll get it done.”

“I see why girls get raped. If he were to force me, there’s no way I could have resisted. He’s so big and strong. His arms are like a brick wall!”

“That’s why you have to be careful. I should have realized I need to talk to you about this kind of thing.”

“It seems like there’s a lot to learn.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m still learning!”

“Really? Are men a mystery to you?”

“Yes! It’s a mystery why they like the things they like. Sometimes it’s a mystery why they do the things they do. If you think you got them figured out, they’ll change.”

“It’s hard to believe I might have been one of them!”

“It’s not too late if you want to ….”

“No Mom! Never!”

“That’s what I thought. You’re happy being my sweet, innocent baby girl.”

“Yes, Mom, I’m perfectly happy.”

“Good! Get Claire and let’s have some dinner.”

We had dinner as the weather began to threaten. At bedtime, I lay in my bed and watched “God’s Light Show” and listened to “God’s Symphony – Movement No. One – Thunder and Lightning”. I always thought lightning was beautiful, even though it could be dangerous. After threatening for a while it started to rain. “God’s Symphony – Movement No. Two – Rain” seemed to be set in for the night. In a dream, I saw Jody smiling the most beautiful smile I had ever seen, and waving; it seemed he was waving goodbye. He sent me a message. I can’t explain how he sent it, but he told me it’s time to stop grieving, always remember our short time together, and that our love, however brief, was real. He wanted me to find true love again and live a full and happy life with the true love I find.

I may find that true love, but Jody will never be replaced in my heart. He is and always will be the love of my youth.

At dawn the next day the rain had stopped, but very dark clouds near the horizon blocked out the rising sun, making it a dark, warm morning. I was up and ready early and stood on the front porch watching for Ken. It started getting later, and it dawned on me, “I should have expected this. Ken can have any girl in the school! Why the hell should he go with me? I’ll bet he’s telling his friends right now, ‘Hey, guess who came to my house last night … the freak! the little faggot who wears dresses to school!’” He’ll tell them about his ‘massage’. Why did I have to be born so stupid! I looked down at the pendant he gave me and wondered how long before it started to turn green. I guess he wanted to add to the illusion that he really liked me. Why? … to hurt me more? … to make the pain unbearable? I felt a teardrop. No! I can’t go to school with my eyes red and puffy from crying! Actually, I can’t go to school at all!

I turned to go back into the house, but caught a glimpse of color down the street. It was Ken, hurriedly turning the corner onto my street. I wiped away the single tear and walked to the end of the sidewalk to meet him.

“Chrissy, I’m so sorry. I overslept. I’m glad you waited!”

“I would have waited all day,” I lied.

As we walked, the dark clouds moved out and the sun beat down on the wet pavement, making it hot and uncomfortably humid; almost steamy.

“Chrissy, aren’t you hot? I’m burning up!”

I looked up at him. “I’ll bet it is hot up there. Heat rises, you know.”

“Of course! I took science class! You ready to face everybody at school?”

“Ken, with you I can face the world!”

Lesley Gore – Sunshine, Lollipops And Rainbows

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

Everything that's wonderful is what I feel

When we're together.

Brighter than a lucky penny.

When you're here the raindrops disappears

Dear and I feel so fine.

Just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

That's how this refrain goes.

So come on Join In. Everybody.

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way

When you're in love to stay.

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

Everything that's wonderful is what I feel

When we're together.

Brighter than a lucky penny.

When you hear the raindrops disappears

Dear and I feel so fine.

Just to know that you are mine.

My life is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

That's how this refrain goes.

So come on Join In. Everybody.

Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows

Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way

Cause you're in love, you're in love

And love is here to stay!