Nicholas had lost a bet earlier in the summer with Teri about something girls couldn't do and he lost the bet. Teri had beaten Nick's time in their races. Nick had not regularly run and 800-meter race but had been bumped from running the 400 meters. Nick did well to finish, while Teri was one of the girls' top two runners on her team. Consequently, he was supposed to wear a two-piece swimsuit on the beach to swim. He had gotten a reprieve, saying he had wanted to lose some weight so he might look better. He was 140 pounds and since then he did work at losing some weight. But no one had said anything through all of June-August.

He had packed an old swimsuit of his sister’s but hoped not to need it. He part of his waiting to make good on the bet, that he couldn’t cut his hair. It was mildly long for a boy, but as it was, it didn’t look feminine.

It wasn’t until they got to the beach and were on their way to the bathing house to change that Teri called to him. “Nicole, you’re to come with us.” She lifted the drawstrings showing a terrycloth bag.

“You didn’t say anything, so I’m not ready.”

Camila says, “Teri has a pretty girly bag for you.”

Nic says, “That's not the point, I have an old suit of a sister. But it takes a lot for a guy to accept something like this. My male ego is costing me this experience.”

Sadie says, “We gave you all summer to lose the weight and you did. You are not going to look any better than you will today.”

“I still can’t go into the girls’ changing area.”

Teri says, “You don’t want to come out of the boys’ section in a two-piece swimsuit. If you want you can change into some girl jeans in the van. If you’re too shy you can change on the van floor and even put on some girl tops. Then I will comb and brush out your hair to make it look feminine.”

We argued and exhausted our talk. There were nine of us and even the two guys sided against me. It was Josh’s parents’ van, but he handed the keys over to Teri. Everyone except Teri and I left to change.

Teri unlocked the van and I got in the side away from everything. Teri was telling me why it was going to be a good time. “You’re lucky Nicole…” And she gave me numerous reasons including. “You’ve gotten over two months to let your hair grow longer and you’re one of the guys who hasn’t grown sideburns yet.” I didn’t have any facial or body hair that a girl doesn’t. It was just getting a little embarrassing.

“And what have you lost ten pounds? That will be noticeable in your swimsuit.” She told me to look at the suit in the terrycloth bag, “I bet the lacy panty is better at hiding your little boy.” She added, “I looked on the internet and I have some tape we can use to make it stay put and out of sight… I have a girl’s hat and some lip gel to help just enough.”

I hoped it wouldn’t show that I had shaved my legs, but I had. With the lace fringe going across the panty, it would be hard to see a bump, if any would show. I had the swimsuit on and was putting on the girl’s jeans, which were also convincing.

I did ask, “Why two tops?”

“If you’re wearing the swimsuit top, you don’t need the camisole right now, but keep it in your beach bag for later.”

Finally, I said, “I’m finished, but even you’ll agree this doesn’t work. That being the case I will run down to the water, dive in and run back here, and be done with it.”

Teri said, “Well let me in and see. And you’ll have to let me make some needed modifications.” She had two bracelets which she told me to put on. One went around my ankle. She combed my hair up and then began to brush and shape it. Somehow she was getting that feathering effect that girls do, added volume and a more feminine look. She didn’t know I could see in a mirror some of what she was doing.

She used pink lip gloss; she added a pink tint on my eyelids and under my eyebrows. I didn’t think it was enough to complain about.

Teri handed me a mirror to see me better. She smirked when she noticed my surprise. Teri had done a marvelous job, though I wouldn’t have indicated so if I was prepared. She said, “I can tell you’re surprised and impressed by how girl-like, you appear. So, now you don’t have any other recourse but to agree to do it.”

She tossed down a pair of jellies that I was to step into. I had a pair of flip-flops I use in showers like at the beach, but they’re not girly like these. I had been praying as I did with everything I tried on that it would be too small.

We’re walking toward the girls changing area and Teri says, “When you’re just in your two-piece don’t be afraid to pull your panty down sometimes they ride upon a girl’s buns more than we want. You’ll be no exception.” She tells me to tone down my moans, making them softer and the tone more feminine.

I had developed a girl’s voice answering my sisters' phone calls. With a little effort, I could pass for my sisters. I usually made sure I didn’t take it too far. There was one time but not here or recently.

Camilla, Sadie, Layla, and Megan said, “Nicole is that you?” I was five feet past her when I realized she was talking to me.

I tried to say yes late, but Teri tugged me as she paid for two changing rooms and locker keys. “In there Nicole, and take your time doing your striptease of getting your clothes off. I need to change and I want you to wait for me. The rooms on the girls' side all have mirrors, not so on the boys’ side. It was also kept cleaner. One could tell it was cleaned regularly; there was also the fragrance of girls that had changed.

There is a short cloth jacket I can wear. I look in the mirror and see the cute girl Teri has made me be. I will need to be careful, as I can still imagine someone seeing me as a guy. I try on the small jacket, and I think it’s cute.

There is a knock and my door opens; Teri’s quickly in and says you know you should have hooked the door… Lookup for a moment.” I did and felt her fingers in my suit top. A pad was added on each side of the top and it must have taken a bit to get in the right position and to attach properly.

She said, “It isn’t much but it adds to your feminine appearance.” There are the large floppy beach hat and sunglasses that she pulled out of the beach bag… When we come for a snack, one of us will paint our nails. Please don’t panic and say something stupid. It could be something like that blows your cover.”

I follow and the sand is already getting hot so I put my jellies back on. Teri’s waving and I look in the direction she’s waving. The girls are up and waving back to us; I know at least two have camera phones ready. They greet me with hugs and cheek kisses like I’m another girl.

Josh and his friend Tammi are not in sight. I suspect he and Tammi are in the water. There are two large blankets laid out.

Sadie has me put out my hand for some sunblock. She says, “Get the sensitive areas without getting a lot of lotion on your swimsuit. It’ll help with your back and make sure you get it all. There were people already near our blankets when Teri and I got there. But an hour later there were tons more guys close by.

I am sitting up with my legs together and my arms hugging my knees. Teri sees me and whispers, “I approve.” And then she extended her hand as we made our way into the water. The water is halfway between coming in and out.

Teri lets go of my hand and starts to run into the water. We’re going to dive into a wave before it breaks. We come up on the other side, in deeper water. I need to kick with my feet and paddle with one hand. I am adjusting my swimwear with the other. Teri knowingly is smiling at me. We swim out a way before swimming back to shallow water.

Some guy stepped in my way as I was ready to set my feet. He said he was sorry but I doubted that. Sadie was there to greet us, asking, “Did he uneasily touch you?”

I said, ‘Yes’, but I thought it was an unusual question. She told me, “It happens. Welcome to a woman’s world. Have you been on the other side of that experience?”

I quickly said, ‘No’, but then thought.

Teri said, “Really, you being so shy. I thought that might have been one of the ways you got close and hoped to meet a girl.”

I said, “I never did anything crude like that.”

But Teri smiled, “But you did do it and you probably even said hello or sorry when you did.” I guess I smiled a little and Teri said, “I thought so. What did one of the girls look like?”

Sadie, Teri and now Camille were silent and staring at me, waiting. Finally, I said, “She had a nice tan, a brown swimsuit, and black hair.”

Camille asked, “Was it a one-piece suit and how did she look in it?”

“No, it was a two-piece suit. She was pretty but more like the average girl. And no, I didn’t get her name, but she did say ‘hello’.”

Without much being said, we got out of the water and walked along the water. Once I walked backward as we talked. Teri warned me to turn around that there was a little girl. I just avoided walking into her. I fell and was near her when she offered me a shovel. “Can you take time to play with me?”

Teri knelt and said, “She and I will.” She turned to Sadie, “You two stop on your way back.”

It was a few minutes before a mom came and stood by her daughter and us. “You two look very cute taking time to play with my little girl. I just wanted to come over and let you know that I’m a good mom and have been watching after her.”

We introduced ourselves, and she replied, “Are you new at this Nicole?” I must have looked at her like a deer in headlights. “Relax young lady; I think you are doing very well.”

”Debbie, do you like Nicki and Teri playing with you,” she asked her daughter.

“Yes, Mommy! There were four girls but these two stayed and played with me. Nicole is ner’ous but she’s very nice her eyes sparkle.” That was probably because I was near tears.

Ms. Julie Matters introduces herself. She says, “Nicole, I think you need to use some sunblock again and make sure you get under your straps better. I have some if you wouldn’t mind my help.”

I look to Teri to see if I should, her wink indicates it would be okay. Julie has a low beach chair and blankets a short distance away. She is spreading the lotion under my straps, when she says, “You make a lovely young girl, I am glad you dare to be yourself.”

I wanted to say, ‘No, I’m not a t-girl or girly boy.’ I thought the better of that. She said, “I know someone like you and I wish she’d dare to get out. But I guess I don’t know how hard it could be.” Julie looked at Teri and me, “Do you think, I dare talk more openly to her?”

Teri said, “Nicki lost a bet and it resulted in her being here today. I’d suggest you see if there’s a friend close to that person and the two of you befriend her enough to help her become more comfortable like Nicole.”

Teri said, “If you don’t mind my saying so, but you seem to be open and more knowledgeable in these areas.”

Julie turns a little sad and then tries to smile, “I have a 1½ year old whose androgynous. Little Jimmy is in the bungalow we rented, he’s with his Dad today. I guess that has made us think more.”

I’m getting more uncomfortable as I’m not even like all they’re talking about. I was thankful for the suntan lotion and told her. Finally, they were talked out, I lifted little Debbie and hugged her as I said goodbye.

Teri and I went back to where our group was. Sadie asked how our playtime went. Josh and Mitch gave me a look and Megan told them not to hassle me. “He’s doing quite well staying in character; don’t hassle Nicki.”

We went up on the boardwalk to get something to eat. Megan produced an extra wrap-around skirt for me. I tried saying I should be able to change back. But even Josh and Mitch sided with the girls. I was wearing the large floppy hat with sunglasses that made Nick unrecognizable.

The guys went right to eat, and most of the girls pulled me into a little shop to look at things. Teri asked, “How much spending money do you have?”

“I have sixty dollars spending money for the weekend, but I’m not shopping like a girl.”

Layla says, “Look at these two they’re cute beach bags on clearance for ten dollars.” They asked me which I thought was cutest. I told them, though I also said I wasn’t buying it. They got that little nail kit and two bottles of polish and makeup. Layla said, “It all costs you less than twenty-five dollars. You can’t beat that.”

I said, “It’s more like forty-plus.”

Sadie said, “Each of us chipped in five dollars. So don’t complain.” When I took out my wallet it cost me an extra fifteen dollars. They were embarrassed I had my guy’s wallet, which according to them needed to be replaced.

I found myself liking being treated as a girl. It was like science fiction or fantasy to me. We got something to eat, but I grumbled as it wasn’t a hamburger and fries. The yogurt with fruit was tasty enough and soothed my stomach.

We did go into an arcade to play some games Layla, Megan and I shot some basketballs, as they were basketball players. I got nervous about playing against girls and was afraid of getting beat. I regularly would have done better and ended up losing to both of them.

Teri grabbed me and took me where she found a shaded table. She began to cut and file my nails. She even had cotton balls to put between my toes as they needed to dry and not interfere with one another. She transformed my fingernails to the point where once painted they indeed looked like they belonged to a girl. They were all painted a pink that seemed to have a tint of lavender. If they had been on my sisters, I would have told them they were attractive.

We were walking back on the boardwalk when a little three-year-old came running to me, “Nicki, Nicki!” Her arms were open and extended, inviting to be lifted. I bent down and took her in my arms. Julie was right behind her. We introduced little Debbie and Julie to the others.

Before we went in different directions, Julie wondered aloud, if Teri and I were open to dinner at 6:30 at the OceanView Dinner.

When I proclaimed, “I couldn’t, having nothing to wear.” Julie smiled and gave Teri forty dollars, “Do you think that will be enough to get her something nice?”

Teri responded it wasn't needed that they had something, but Julie insisted. It was enough for a dress, shorts, and a set of panties. Nicole argued she didn’t need that much. Neither did she know others bought some teddy bear pajamas for him. Mitch and Josh had already let it be known, if he’s staying a girly boy they didn’t want Nic with them.

Josh and Mitch went and made sure they got the keys to the bungalow. They had taken back most of Nicole’s clothes.

Other guys out near where they were on the beach were happy to see the girls back. Everyone redid their sunblock application, but Nicole was not mindful that the others were using a #15 sunblock as they wanted to tan. Nicole didn’t mind using a colored lip balm; figuring it went with deceiving others to think he’s a girl.

Once they were ready to go into the water again; the girls got some offers from guys to go swimming with them. It surprised me when Teri took the hand of one and went running into the water with Bach. Layla went with Trez and when Harrison grabbed my hand I automatically went running with him.

We ran and dove into the water and as I surfaced Harrison yelled, "Breaker grabbed me and helped me bob over the wave as it began to break. Disoriented I grabbed on and put my arms around his neck. Nic had never felt body heat like that.

She began to say thanks as they were face to face. She wasn’t sure if it was a small wave but their lips met and he smiled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to steal a kiss, but it was nice.” Nicki saw Teri looking at her with a smile, so Nicole bowed her head.

Harrison let go of my hand and said he was sorry again. Nicole felt bad and said, “No, it wasn’t you. I guess I’m shyer than most.”

He said, “Me too, I didn’t expect you to come with me.”

“Why would you expect that? That was nice of you… And well you are a good-looking guy.” Harris smiled. We swam out to where there were four others and we swam to keep afloat. When I was getting tired I put my hand on Harris for a short time. We soon went back to the beach, where we either threw some frisbees, watched, or visited.

There was the talk of a dance that began at nine. It was undecided by us girls if we were going. It was five o’clock when we went and changed. I had used the open-air shower as I headed off the beach. Teri handed me a skirt and top rolled up in my beach bag. She whispered, “Get all the sand off you can. You need to use the camisole with the bralette, and then the top.” She complimented me, “You did well this afternoon. Remember we have dinner with Julie and Debbie. You can shower back where we’re staying.”

“I fulfilled my bet, let me be,” I said.

Sadie, as well as Teri, stood there. “You agreed to go and you even received money for some pretty clothes. You need to take a shower as it will take longer for you to get ready.” I tried arguing but finally gave in and went to the shower.

The shower soap had a strong peach scent and it felt good to get a refreshing shower. Teri called into the shower, “You need to shave your legs. They look good, but could be better.” The shower curtain moved and Teri handed in a lady’s razor and shaving gel. “Also do under your arms, please. And when you get out wrap this large towel around you, lady style.”

I shampooed and conditioned my hair, finished showering, and stepped out to dry myself off. Once I wrapped the towel around me, Teri came in and had me sit down. “We should be able to shape your hair and style it a little better for tonight.” She had me sit up straight and keep my legs together.

We talked as she brushed and blow-dried my hair, styling as she went. Then she sat me in front of a mirror and worked doing my makeup. “So do you think your fingernails and toenails look pretty?”

When I complained, she said, “You don’t think the nails are pretty?”

“They’re very pretty, but not on me.”

She retorted, “You’re right they are very pretty, and both Debbie and Julie like you… Isn’t being accepted as a girl kind of fun?” We agreed and talked about the day.

I said, “It was different seeing things as a girl. That I passed as a girl was amazing in itself. That Debbie was comfortable with me and even came running up to me later kind of blew my mind and made me happy inside… I kind of empathized with Julie about her baby being androgynous. My boy parts are not that…”

She held a mirror up in front of me and I was not ready to see the pretty reflection of myself in the mirror. I made an ‘oh my’ expression which caused us both to giggle. Sadie and Layla came in to see what the giggling was about. Everyone agreed I was now even prettier as a girl…

Story to be continued...

Layla did say, “She’s missing one thing and I have a pair that would look especially good on her.”

Teri turns and asks me, “Are you open to that?” I wasn’t sure what they were talking about, but said, ‘I thought so.’ Someday I’ll learn not to reply so quickly, and to ask questions.

Layla had left the room and was soon back. I soon realized, I agreed to wear earrings. I did ask, “The holes will soon heal won’t they?”

I was surprised by how particular they were in getting it right and how quick they were able to do it. I said, “I feel like I am putty in your hands, and every time I look again I’ve changed.”

When I went to my bedroom to get dressed, I learned I was sharing the room with Teri. When I protested, I lost again. Mitch was emphatic that I was not sleeping with them. Teri said, “It’s not like we’re sleeping together, and I’ve already seen you.” She showed me the pair of Teddy-bear pajamas they purchased for me.

I had already seen in the bathroom that I had tan lines from wearing a two-piece bathing suit. I had seen boys before in locker rooms who kept on undershirts. I now wondered if something like this might ever have been why.

Having straps on my shoulders and a skirt rubbing my legs were new experiences for me. But they weren’t bad feelings. The air and skirt around my legs were actually pleasant. I didn’t stare, but I did watch that time as Teri got dressed and ready. She even remarked, “You’re watching to see how I do it aren’t you? You seem to like how I look?”

I hadn’t realized I was that obvious until she mentioned it. Since I was there and she caught me, I confessed yes. I said, I have three sisters and I always wondered about how they and Mom got themselves fixed up as they regularly do.”

Teri had come back from the shower with a large towel around her, and she put on her panties while the towel was around her and let the towel fall as she was turned away from me. She hooked her bra on in the front and brought it around to nestle her breasts in the cups. I could tell it was simple, yet took some thinking. I liked the cami she put on and decorative slacks. Before I could say anything, she said, “You’re wearing the dress to remind you that you’re in girl mode.”

She put on eyeliner and mascara that she had with her. I said, “Wow, that really brings your eyes out. It looks fantastic.”

She responded, “I could do something similar for you, but I didn’t want to push it on you.” She then did my eyelashes a deep blue with a dark eyeliner where I hardly knew there was any blue, but it was a nice accent.

When we went out to the living area, Mitch commented, “That’s why he’s not going to be in with us.”

Talia who arrive late, said, “He, she has my respect. She’s kept her promise and looks good to boot.” She said to me, “Save me a dance later.” I wanted to say I wasn’t going to the dance, but I was tired of getting into arguments since I hadn’t won one all day.

Julie stopped at our apartment to pick us up. I was asked to sit up front with Julie and Teri sat in the back next to Debbie. Julie commented, “Who taught you how to sit in a car with a skirt?” Sadie had mentioned it, but I had told her I had also seen my sisters with mom reminding them. “Well, you did your Mom proud.”

Three of us had small shrimp appetizers as we waited for the main course. Mine was a white fish on a bed of rice with asparagus. I asked about her son and what if he wanted to be a girl later on.

“My husband Jon and I agreed we’d talk with James sometimes about it. That is part of the reason we named him James. Jaime wouldn’t be too big of a stretch if we needed to change things… How about you, I know you said you’re doing this because of a crazy bet you lost? However, and I think others will agree you make an exceptional girl for saying you’re not.”

I didn’t realize we were talking about me when the waitress came by. “Oh my,” she said, “I’m sorry but you make an awesome girl, I can’t believe…” Finally, she caught herself and stopped talking. I guess I rolled my eyes and Julie took my hand apologizing she had said it.

Julie complimented how nice my eyes looked and then when I held her daughter Debbie on my lap, and how well I was with her. She asked if I did any babysitting and I confessed to covering for an older sister twice, and being asked another few times. Julie said, “Seeing how you are with Debbie I thought you might have.”

“Are you enjoying this experience,” she asked? I paused, thinking both of me and what Teri might say. Finally, I owned up to it, “Strangely enough, though I might not confess that with others… I was surprised when it started and almost panicked. But Teri was kind of neat in how she helped me... You didn’t mock me or try to make it worse. It was like you quietly helped me step by step. Sadie and the others were like that. I was afraid people on the beach would stare or make fun of me. But it was like no one noticed me; all I saw was boys looking at you girls.”

“I had been walking backward until I was warned late about little Debbie being there. I kind of stumbled, falling near her. She was cute and asked if we’d play with her. Getting girl clothes and being asked by her. All have made it an interesting day.”

Julie asked, “Are you doing this all weekend?” Teri said, “Yes.” I said, “No.” I backtracked, “I guess I am tonight. The guys don’t want me with them until I change clothes tomorrow.”

Julie said, “Well, I hope we see Nicole tomorrow. I am thankful we met you today.” Julie asked Debbie what she thought, and Debbie said, “You take me in the ocean tomor’wo?”

I only said, “If I see you and your mother says it is okay.”

Julie said, “We’ll be looking for you.”

Julie took us to the boardwalk near our bungalow and the four of us enjoyed the ocean breeze and the sounds of the waves. Teri said, “The cutlets serve your silhouette well against the evening sky.” Julie giggled, “I was thinking something similar.”

Debbie was in my arms and wanted me to go home with her. Emotions tugged at me, probably as much with Debbie but I knew to act like an adult.

Once back at their rental, Talia pushed Teri and me to change and get ready. There were two outfits in Teri and my room, neither I wanted to be mine. The pink leather miniskirt was longer and the silvery blouse went along well with it, but I was not ready for either. Talia brushed some volume into my hairdo, sprayed it, and finished styling it.

I was given several metal bracelets for one wrist, two rings, and a silver necklace that felt nice and cool around my neck. I transferred the few things I had to my shoulder purse. I stepped into some heels though they were not very high, just more than enough for me. We giggled. I hoped I didn’t get carded as my i.d. and license both had Nick’s picture. It was our second stop that allowed me in, though it was not for a lack of i.d. checking. The doorman said, “You pass good enough, just don’t mislead anyone.”

He did require me to say if I was transgender or a crossdresser. I whispered, “A T-woman if it’s any of your business. Please don’t hassle me.” The band I and others got permitted us to drink.

I sat deep into the bench table not wanting to be asked to dance. But it was Talia who had me first up and dancing. Talia said, “Let me kind of lead and you mimic me.” Talia was as big as me and we enjoyed a couple of dances. She was easy enough to follow. We were on our way back to the table when Teri came by and introduce me to Troy. And Troy taking my hand took me back out to the dance floor. I tried saying ‘No,’ but stammered my words and followed Troy to the dance floor.

He said, “I’ve seen your girlfriends at another beach, but I didn’t remember you.” I tried to talk as little as possible and smile just enough, hopefully, not too much. I handled the first dance, okay, but the second dance slowed down. The third dance his hands began to drop; I simply said, “You’re not getting to know me that well.” He grinned and brought his hands back up saying, ‘Sorry.’

I was okay most of the night sitting with our group. Then the guys from the beach found us, and I mistakenly gave a knowing smile to Harris whom I had met. We were walking to the dance floor when he asked if we could get some air. We both talked about sports and he liked that I knew sports fairly well. We were leaning against the boardwalk railing when something came over me. I was wanting to know what it felt like to be kissed by a guy as though I were a girl.

I didn’t say anything but just turned to him with my back to the railing. Then he leaned in and kissed me. A second kiss was a bit more passionate. I felt both guilty and enjoyed it. My mind sobered some on the second kiss as I felt part of his tongue. I couldn’t be angry as my lips were open in response. We had gone back in and danced before I returned to the table.

Teri took me to the women’s room and I wondered if she was just guessing that I needed to go. Once back to the sinks, she said, “You need to repair your makeup.” I knew that she knew I had kissed someone. She smirked and shook her head at me. “We’ll talk later.”

It was a little after midnight we were all back at the house and I thought I was done for the night. The other women corrected me, telling me, “You’re not done. You need to learn to take off your makeup, take care of your skin and pin up your hair.”

It was kind of a blessing as I needed to unravel from the day before I could sleep. Taking off the makeup was a learning experience, cleansing my skin and moisturizing it was a bit of a chore. My hair wasn’t a big deal, but I worried about sleeping with pins in my hair. We each sipped small glasses of wine. Wiggling my toes and fingers, someone said, “They’re attractive aren’t they.”

Without thinking, I said, “I could get used to it.” The others looked at me. “No, I’m not going there, but it is nice that they look pretty.”

Teri said, “Come on, Nicole, sleeping beauty needs her sleep.” I really didn’t remember it, but Teri said I became teary when we went to bed. She cuddled me and I relaxed and fell asleep. I rolled over and found myself face to face with Teri.

I whisper, “You smell so nice.” I thought she was asleep, but she said, “Mm, you too.” There was a kiss and we became romantically involved. She wasn’t worried about my manhood since it was confined.

“Just enjoy yourself.” Gone was the pressure to perform, I relaxed, and we did enjoy our time together. Kissing, petting, and the warm presence of the other.

Teri and I both needed showers in the morning and we took terrible ribbings from the other. Mitch said, “That’s the first good thing that came out of this for you.” Teri told me, he was only guessing.

I was given another two-piece swimsuit and worse I was given a short miniskirt and small top. I stopped at the door, saying, “You can’t force me to do this.”

Sadie said, “You’re not being forced. But you were the one who got already before you say anything just now.” She and the other women smile, “We’d like to share another day with you.”

I grab my floppy hat, put on my girly sunglasses, and make my way to the van. We’re early enough to get our pick of spots. It’s a little closer to the ocean, over a little further hopefully not to be as crowded. It is nice to be in the water early and feel the crisp cool water and one’s skin tingling. Back on shore, we use the skin block it is the first time I realize it is weaker sunblock than I regularly use.

When I laid down to tan, Talia unhook the back of the top and renewed the sunblock. “Did you ever think this would happen to you?” She sat in a small lounge chair next to me and began reading. It was fifteen minutes later she hooked my top and said it was time to turn. After another fifteen minutes, I was up and ready to go back in the water.

Camilla said, “Would you mind swimming out further with me?” We first swam out a hundred yards, but the tide was out so after standing a little while, we swam another hundred yards or so. Finally, we heard a whistle and saw a lifeguard waving us back in. It was nice talking to Camilla; it was like I was half girl to her and half probing from a guy's point of thinking. She was bright, attractive, and very easy to get along with. One of her parents was from Puerto Rico and that likeness showed. I said, “It’s not fair, is it?”

The group since we were in high school knew others view her using a double standard. I guess I’ve matured a little and she talked about how she felt about such things. She hugged me and I knew it was Nick, but I was sensitive to others' eyes, knowing we were seen as two women.

A group of guys came and wanted to lift Camilla, some other girls, and myself upon their shoulders for what we call chicken fights. I was certain no one wanted to lift me over their head and onto their shoulders. But Buff was a football player with arms like a strong man’s legs. His hand was on my waist as he asked me to jump. His hands helped lift me and went automatically to my legs near my knees and lifted me easily over his head.

Once an old high school friend spotted my friends and me. He said, “I hadn’t recognized you until I heard someone call you Nicole. I was always sure you were a tomboy, but I was surprised once when you used the boys’ restroom.”

Teri and Camilla both heard what he said. Teri asked, “Were you ever wanting to ask her out?” He, Anthony, paused and asked if I ever noticed him. Well, we were in several classes together every year since junior high; so I said, ‘Yes,’ meaning nothing. It led to him being invited to being at the Back Porch Lounge.

Once we separated from him I told Talia, “I’m staying home tonight. I’m not going to dance with any boys.”

Talia said let’s walk the beach and talk. We did and she said, “If you weren’t going out you should have spoken up back then. Anthony always had issues. He’s been through counseling and his ego needs to be reaffirmed, not disappointed by you staying away.”

There, ahead of us playing in the sand, this time with mermaids was Debbie and as I looked for her mother twelve feet away there was a young dad, a baby as well as Julie Montgomery. The man scooted up as the baby went into Julie’s arms. Debbie calls out my name cheering, “Nicole, Nicole!”

The Dad holds out his hand, “I’m Matthew Montgomery, we were hoping you girls would come along.”

I introduced Talia as well as Camilla; Julia complimented on how we all looked. They introduced little James. We were invited back to where they had a couple of beach umbrellas to give shade. Camilla and Talia said they were walking on, knowing it was me they wanted to talk to.

Matt said, “Julie made it clear to me that you don’t usually dress like a girl, but if you don’t mind I’d still like us to talk.”

Debbie said, “She’s nice isn’t she Mommy?” It was Matt who replied, “Yes, she’s pretty.” That made Debbie smile.

Matt said, “Having been a boy, what are the adjustments to being a girl?” I had never expected a question like that. Especially to be asked of me on the beach.

I thought, and thought again and finally replied, “The help of others to look like a girl and even more their support and encouragement… I think if it would be needed, having a sister like Debbie would be of help. I too have sisters and I guess, I learned a lot more from them than I realized. If I had parents who needed to; I’d hope they would be open and supportive like you two seem.”

Matt took Julie’s hand and squeezed it; he said, “We’re trying, but we’re not sure how good we are, well at least not me.”

Julie suggested we go up on the boardwalk as they were going to get lunch and did not want the children to get too much sun. I walked with them to the boardwalk and a little way to a shop. Julie asked, “Do you think it would be crazy of me to get a girl’s swimsuit and take pictures so there would be pictures of a young Jamie if the change were to happen?”

I would never have thought of it, but I thought it was a neat idea and that James was too young to be impacted. Yet it would give pictures from when he was younger if he became Jaime. They bought me pink flip-flops and a large cloth I could wrap around as a skirt or use as a shawl. I didn’t know if I enjoyed it because they were being nice or if I was beginning to appreciate being treated as a girl. They had a rental property right on the beach and wanted me to meet Julie’s folks. That I was not ready for.

“Please no,” I whispered to Julie.

She sympathetically looked at me and said, “Okay, I understand it is too much. I had just hoped if they saw a glimpse of what it might be like, it might help them to accept James’ condition.”

I looked at Julie and was thankful for her understanding. I took a step away and then I felt guilty that I was not being as understanding. I turned back to Julie, as I got a message asking where I was. I said, “Wait, Julie, if Teri could come and be with me maybe I could do it?”

I text back to Teri, telling Teri where I was and asking if she could come and help me. She was able and she too had something to tell me.

I told Julie and Mac, we could do it, but I thought there was a problem. I didn’t think Julie’s parents would see me as credible unless they thought I was transitioning. I was not terribly comfortable saying I was but was willing to do it for James. I had experienced the hassle of people bullying me because of my slight build. Julie and the others went into their cottage, with the agreement Teri and I would come in after we talked.

When I went in, Mr. Rowlins quickly told me, “You won’t appreciate my experience, because this might be my only grandson.”

I said, “I have three sisters and no brothers. I too felt the expectations of my grandfathers. But I wasn’t going to be terribly athletic or a sizeable guy anyway. One of my grandfathers voiced his thought and decided it was fairer if he changed his expectations. I guess that was a bigger step than I understood.”

Mrs. Rowlins said, “That is worthy of consideration.” Grandma Grace Rowlins patted for me to sit next to her. She took my hand, “Our grandson is not guaranteed to look as pretty as a girl. He does take after Julie in some ways, but that too can change.”

Julie said, “Nothing is saying he’ll need to or that he’d grow as Nicole has.”

Teri speaks up, “There is no reason to put us on the spot to try to sway you. Nicole didn’t like being pressured and I’m sure she doesn’t want to say what you should do. All this is, was Julie’s idea got you to visually see one side.”

I interrupted, “It’s just hopefully now you won’t worry one option would make James look like a freak.”

“If that is enough, we can leave you alone; or if you have questions we’ll do our best to answer them.”

We were soon away from there, on our way back to the bungalow.

I remembered Teri had something to tell me, “Okay, Teri what were you going to tell me?”

Teri smiled, “Sit down first. Your mother said she and your sisters would be here tomorrow. She wants to know if you’re willing to stay over with them Sunday and Monday night? ...You’re lucky you’re done with Julie and Debbie.”

I said, “I don’t think so. They said they’d look for me again Sunday and Monday before they leave.”

Teri’s face turned to worry. I said, “My Mom knew I was worried about the stupid bet that I lost… Did she ask about how I fared? And if I went through with the consequence?”

“We told her you did, but that was done and over.”

I asked, “I’m sure she asked to see photos; what did you show her?”

Teri flipped through her phone photos and showed me three. I said, “So she knows I have tan lines fitting a girl’s two-piece swimsuit. I guess I’m going to have to tell my Mom and sisters what’s going on. I learned with my Mom, telling the truth is better than a lie. She’ll see through any lie and then it is worse.”

“If we went with a lie, even after we came honest she wouldn’t trust we said it all.”

Teri and Talia knew my Mom and sisters really well and knew what I was saying was true. When we got back to the others and told them everything. I could see Talia was thinking something else.

I waited until we walked out alone, I asked Talia what she was thinking. “I don’t know what the others are thinking, but you’re not upset about this like you should be. You’re either not upset to stay as Nicole, or you and your family won’t see this as big or a surprise for some reason.” I’m stunned and needed to quickly sit down.

Talia says, “Calm yourself, I may have hit a nerve, but there’s no reason to be frightened. You’ve adapted a little too well. I suspect Teri has figured it out as well.”

She said, “What do you think your mother will say if and when she sees Nicole?”

Once back at our place, the discussion had changed to whatever someone thought of. We were ordering pizza and heard the different plans for the evening. Sadie told me, “Harrison told my guy that he hoped you’d be at Kregg’s Keg for the dance tonight.”

Josh had shot a paper wad that stung my exposed leg. “Yeah, Nicole, you better watch how you sit and not give away the store.”

I got up to hit Josh, but Talia blocked me. She told me to hold my temper and not start a fight. Then she turned around and slapped the laughter off of Josh’s face. I didn’t hear what she said to him. But instead of getting angry, he apologized for what he did.

Teri and Talia called me to our room and showed me a mauve-colored skirt they wanted me to wear. “If you’re staying as Nicole, you should go out with us and have a good time…” The other said, “You seem to attract the attention of some good-looking guys. Harris surely likes you.”

I said, “He’s shy too. I think he thought I was desperate enough for him to have a chance. I thought he was a good-looking guy, but that he didn’t hold any interest for me.”

Teri had seen us kiss and didn’t buy the excuse that it was an accident. She said, “That is like a person saying he accidentally stabbed me three times.”

The skirt was a mock suede and it hugged my body, showing a girl’s shape. Thankfully, it was of moderate length.

I hurried to be in line for the shower, not wanting it to run out of warm water. I was in the shower bathing when cold water came over the curtain. Layla remarked after my scream. "I was wondering if you would stay in character as you responded. I just felt a need to see… Oh, by the way, you look like a girl through the curtain.”

I grabbed a towel before I got out of the shower and wrapped it around me like Nicole. I was reminded to wear the cutlets I was wearing as Talia said it would be more flattering. She gave me a bra that seemed designed to reshape my breasts. I wore a shimmering silver panty that did not show the shield protecting me.

I liked the feel of shimming into my skirt. Talia was outspoken saying, “No boy should look that good in a skirt. Shame on you, Nicole.” I wasn’t too keen on wearing the blue bra under a thin white top. If I was a boy looking at the girl I was seeing in the mirror; I would have thought she looked awfully sexy.

I asked, “Talia, do you think I should be going out like this?”

“You’re going to dance; if Harrison is as shy and suffering from low self-esteem this might help him.”

I wasn’t sure what to say without sound egotistical as a girl. I looked at the long-strapped pocketbook that I used last night. I was putting in my makeup, some tissues, a comb, and my new money purse. Then Teri was amused by how far I had come in thirty-six hours. “You’ve come a long way in a short time, Nicole. Will you be relieved or sorry when the weekend is over?”

“I can’t believe, I’m still dressed as a woman. I’m afraid if I tried to be Nic, someone would recognize me as Nicole anyway.”

Teri said, “You would have to wear an undershirt to go swimming and then worry about it riding up or your girly tan showing through.”

I sat and watched Teri get ready for the night. She said, “You know it’s troubling on my psyche to have a boy watching me change; knowing he’s watching to get tips for makeup and dressing up for a night out.”

I blinked my eyes to snap out of my little trans. “Oh, I’m sorry what did you say?” She and Talia both giggled. I was doing as she said.

My phone buzzed; there was a message from Mom. “Nicole, can you meet us tomorrow morning at the Ocean View Restaurant at 9 o’clock for breakfast? I’m guessing you aren’t going to church like you are. Please, come as you are.”

I voiced aloud, “Why would my Mom choose to meet me in a public place like that? She even called me Nicole.”

There was another message from her. “You can bring Teri, Talia, or both, my treat.”

Teri looking over my shoulder sees the message and, Teri says, “I’m suggesting so no one loses their cool. I know I could go with you. How about you Talia?”

We ate pizza at the house and then went to enjoy walking the boardwalk. I always enjoy seeing the colorful lights come on at the boardwalk. Nine of us played miniature golf. Ironically, we played in groups of three, and Josh, Mitch, and I were each in separate groups. Since I hadn’t done as much with Layla and Tammi, we were in the same group. There was a bunch of guys giving Josh and Mitch a hard time for keeping so many girls to themselves. Mitch yelled back that there was another guy in the group. Everyone in our group froze for a moment until Josh said, “Miniature golf was too tough for him." Everyone laughed and we went on.

I bought three rings for the ring toss at another game and my second throw went on a bottle and I won a large stuffed puppy. If there was any doubt I was a girl, it left with me carrying my stuffed animal. It was large enough that I had to cuddle it in my arms to keep a hold of it.

Four of us took the time and our money to play skeet ball to help a little girl and her dad to win a larger prize. I had tried to give her my large stuffed toy, but she had her eye on her own prize. It took the four of us plus them fifteen minutes to accumulate enough points but joyfully we did.

It was closer to the time to go dancing so I took my stuffed animal back to the van. Josh was there and spoke with me. “Sorry for giving you such a hard time; the truth is I wished I had gotten the attention of others like you. Sometimes it is hard to enjoy some things for fear of getting called a ‘sissy,’ or something more derogatory. I’m sorry.”

I said, “Thanks, it has been kind of fun. With three sisters I wondered how it would be from this advantage point.”

We walked back to find the others and Josh asked to hold my hand part of the way. We joked about cooties rubbing off.

Teri came up behind us, mentioning us making a nice couple. Josh quickly threw off my hand. A bunch of us went into a restroom to check our makeup and more if necessary. I was able to refresh my makeup and take care of my hair without the help of the others. That didn’t go without notice from Layla. She touched below my ear with a perfume wand.

Teri spoke up, “‘Seduction’ might send the wrong message to her admirers.” Talia’s car was closer than the van so we all crowded in until we got to the van and then we used both vehicles to get to Kregg’s Keg & Bottle. Sadie had sat on my lap. When she got off, she said, “I’ve sat on you before, but tonight definitely felt different.”

We arrived after the dance had started and yet early enough to find tables and chairs to bunch together. I was moving one tall chair when Harris came behind me and put one hand on my side and then another. Squeezing me and pulling me toward him; I knew he got the scent of my perfume. I cautioned him not to presume anything. Turning to him I quickly took his hands in mine, pulling them from my side.

Looking at the other guys, I knew Harris also looked handsome. Having him smiling and having his eyes on me was more than a little unsettling. Harris got a beer for himself and a wine cooler for me. I had learned from one of the girls to wet my lips, so I didn’t leave as much lipstick as I might have.

We visited awhile before Harris asked me for a dance. It was a slower song and I was worried about being able to follow him. Between his hands, hips, and feet, I was following his lead with little trouble.

I was bumped from behind and a bit upset until I saw it was Julie and her husband Mac. I guess that’s why her parents had come to watch their children. Julie commented about it being nice seeing me enjoying myself. I wanted to tell her otherwise but I was sure she wouldn’t believe me.

Julie said, “Sorry, to bump into you. My, Nicole, look at how pretty you are?”

Embarrassed and knowing I’ve turned red, I simply say, “Thanks, but you’re just saying that. One can’t tell anything in this lighting.”

Harris says, “Not true, it is easy to tell you’re very attractive and have good taste in fashion.” Now I’m even more embarrassed. Fortunately, Mac moved them to another spot.

Harris asked how I knew them, and that led me to tell him about how I met Debbie. Harris drew me in for a hug, He said, “That makes you even more beautiful in my eyes. I see a lot of us who wouldn’t care about the feelings of a young girl. It shows me that you have more depth as a girl than many others.”

I was back at our group of tables visiting with others when Anthony walked up to us. I hesitated in saying hello, hoping someone would get up and go dance with him. He asked the group, “Please call me Tony.”

When I said hello, he asked me if I would dance with him and he extended his hand to help me up. Quickly the old image of Anthony as a shy boy melted away. He had grown over the summer and filled out as well. It was me who was now the smaller of the two of us. My eyes blinked and I knew I just flirted with him.

The first two songs we danced to were fast enough we were not touching. I got to see that Tony now moved well on the dance floor. His conversation had lost its awkwardness. I too was more relaxed during my visit with him. We were ready to go back when the third song was slow and Tony drew me to him for another dance. During the dance, Harris touched him on the shoulder to cut in, but Tony said, ‘No.’

I had seen it before and thought a girl would be flattered to have two guys wanting to dance with her. I muttered to myself, “You can’t be.” ‘They’re guys and so are you.’ It didn’t change the feelings welling up inside.

I said, “That was nice of you, Tony. I’m happy to see you stand up for yourself.” He drew me close and gave me a kiss on my cheek. We were cuddled together as we danced. It dawned on me that I was following his lead without even thinking about it.

The dance ended and we were clapping in appreciation of the band. Talia came up to me, asking, “How about we get some fresh air?”

She and I walked out onto the boardwalk overlooking waves coming in. The sound of it all made our conversation private. “Nicole, you seem to be enjoying yourself… I just want to remind you, Tony or Harris, they may want more.”

I say, “We’re just getting to know each other. It’s like a first date, no one goes that far.”

Talia says, “You’re almost eighteen, not a young innocent girl. They most certainly are open to going further than you might want and discovering things you didn’t intend to make known… I can even tell, looking at you that you like them.”

I stepped back and wanted to be angry at her, but she was right. She said, “Why don’t we go in and sit down and when you’re ready we can have our dance. I bet that Harrison will be watching for his next dance.”

Nick was looking forward, even if it is as a girl to dancing with Talia. But why was I wondering about Harrison or Tony?

I finished a conversation with Josh and Talia and then Talia asked me if I was ready to dance. It was an upbeat song and we moved along on the dance floor. I wasn’t ready for it to end as I wanted to dance some more with Talia.

Harrison had a friend who asked to dance with Talia and Harris stepped up to be with me. The band slowed their song down and suggested we do a slow old rock n’ roll line dance. We went through the line once and once we finished, Harris took me so it was just us two. When he tried to talk me to go riding with him I had to bite my lip not to giggle. Another guy was hoping to get me alone so we could make out together.

Harris apologized, after I said, no. “I’m sorry, I’m not usually so forward. I just thought… I do like you. Oh my, sorry but… Can we at least sit and talk, I just like being with you.”

I felt sorry for him, as I had been in that position. I said, “If you promise to be good we could walk together on the beach.” His smile returned, and he thanked me and then guaranteed to be on good behavior. We slowly walked the beach, as he told me about growing up shy and his dad calling him a loser.

I told him my dad had died before we ever really learned to talk. We turned and looked at each other and I felt a desire to hug him and kiss. I didn’t think it was special until I felt him sigh. We both looked at each other. He was leaning into me when I closed my eyes and we kissed. My hands slipped down his back and when he leaned his lower body into me. I knew he was being turned on.

We were close enough to the Kreggs to faintly hear the music. We danced slow and he was grinding himself into me. Strange to my thinking, I was not turned off. We passionately kissed one more time, before I forced us to be walking again. Going into the lounge, I grabbed my purse and made a straight line for the girls’ room. I knew I needed to fix my face. While I was in there, Teri came in to check on me. I was about ready to break down, when she asked, “Did someone hurt you?”

I looked up, “No, he just made me feel good as a woman.”

We heard someone murmur, “Mm, mm. That’s a nice feeling to have.” The woman handed me a scented woman’s handkerchief. I said, thanks and she invited me to keep it.

Teri got Talia and we went back to the bungalow a little early. After I took my makeup off and went to shower; I realized I had messed the front of my underclothing. Teri and Talia both recognized the smell. Talia asked, “Has anyone moved you like that before?”

I said, “Yes, but they were girls.” Talia and Teri both embraced me. “I can’t believe I like the feeling so much, being a girl.”

Teri was the first to say she was sorry, for putting me in the position of acting like a girl. Talia said something similar. They were both surprised when I said, “No, you don’t understand. I like the feelings I’m having. I always thought I wanted to know what things felt like for a girl. I know I’m not a real girl but I like dressing up, learning makeup, and now I find a guy liking me.”

Talia giggled, “I was going to tell you I wanted you to be a cheerleader on ‘crossover' day. You make a wonderful girl, and if you ever dress up after this weekend. I’ll be there for you.”

I wished the weekend could have stopped right there. It would have been perfect if I could stop right there and go back to being Nick…

Story to be continued...

Y

I had no idea of the surprise that awaited me when mom and I finally saw each other. I hear my Mom’s voice, “Nicole, what were you thinking of coming here for your little escapade?”

“Mom, there was no harm in what we did… Why did you choose to come to this beach; we never do?”

Mom says, “I usually don't but that doesn’t mean others don’t. I’ve received a few pictures of you, via email. Your sister Lydia saw some too but hers were on Twitter. Marcia saw one on FB, that one was 'liked' many times over.”

I looked to my sisters and knew it was all true, I flopped down in my seat, despondent. Lydia placed a hand on mine and Talia sat next to me. Talia said, “No one was to be posting any pictures of Nicole.”

Lydia asked, “Is there a Tammi in the group?”

Talia said, “Tammi Witmer is here with Mitch, but she’s either been with Mitch or away from us on her phone.”

Marci asks me, “What did you think when Bonnie said hello to you?” Nicki thought of a college girl who said, ‘Hi.’ Was it her or someone else he casually said hello to. Marci says, “She saw you in a boutique with your friends selecting clothes for you. She said, "You make a cute girl.”

“Marci and I both agreed to see the pictures and now seeing you here,” says Lydia, "I'm impressed."

I’m burying my face in my hands, Mom says, “Nick, lift your head before you wreck your makeup, and don’t despair. We are going to come through this with you. You can’t be the only guy to do something cute like this.”

Teri says, “That's Nick’s family that I know. So what do we do next?”

Lydia says, “We eat breakfast, I’m starving.”

Mom Miller says, “We take time to enjoy the new girl in the family. We don’t want to come across like this is a mistake or something shameful. So Nicole put a smile on your face and let’s hear about your experiences.”

We looked up and wondered how long the waitress was there and what she heard. “Are you ready to order or do you need more time?”

Mom said, “So this Debbie was your excuse for staying as Nicole. But from the pictures and what you’re saying, you got into being a girl. There’s more than meets the eye.”

Saying more than I wanted I told my family, somethings. Teri told even more, “Nicole’s been kissed and possibly has two boyfriends.” Lydia smiles but doesn't act surprised.

We’re finishing breakfast and Mom asks, “So are you staying with your friends or going to come and be with us today?”

Lydia says, “Why don’t we set our stuff away from them. That way Marci and I can go get our little brother to swim with us and we’ll see Nicole in her new swimsuit.” Lydia lifts a small shopping bag that I’m guessing has a swimsuit for me.

Teri says, “We’ll take her and help her pack up if you’re wanting her tonight. We’re leaving sometime tomorrow afternoon. Then we’ll look for Nick at school on Wednesday.”

I resist taking the swimsuit until Talia takes it from Lana and slaps it in my hands. “Take it and say thank you.”

Going out of the restaurant the waitress says, “I hope to see all of you again.”

I stopped and wanted to say something, but couldn’t. She, the waitress, says, “You’re a good looking girl, go and have a good day.” I was able to smile and say thanks then left.

My sister has turned and is walking with us, she says, “I know where our Mom is planning for us to be. Plus I want time to be with you and the others Nicki.”

She touches my ear and closely looks at my earring. “So, am I right in thinking you’ve enjoyed prettying up?”

I sighed, “I didn’t expect too. I brought one of Lydia’s old swimsuits, in case they got me to keep my bet. But Teri disarmed me by not arguing with me. She just took me back to the van. I was going to change into the swimsuit there; run out into the ocean and have the bet all done. Instead, she had me dress in some clothes to go into the women’s changing rooms and… With every step, I gave in a little led to another step…”

Marci says, “The short story is each step brought you closer until you went along with it and found yourself enjoying it.”

I asked, “How did you guess that?”

She said, “Nicole, you’ve always asked more questions than a boy usually does. It now appears to agree with you.”

Teri was ahead of us walking into the bungalow and took us back to the room I shared with her and Talia. She turned to Talia, “Would you agree with me that they look like sisters?” Talia nodded her head in affirmation. I saw a glimpse of the two of us in a mirror. And pointed Marci to look in the mirror.

Marci says, “We Millers do make attractive women don’t we?” That brought light laughter from Teri and Talia, and it also brought Sadie and Layla into the room to see what the laughter was about.

Sadie sees my sister Marci, “So what do you think of your new sister?”

Marci changes the subject and asks, “Is Tammi here, we want to talk to her? Though it is too late, the cat is out.” It was the first time I heard a bit of anger coming from Marci.

Sadie says, “Something came up and she left in a hurry. Is there a problem?”

I spoke up, “Someone took some pictures and posted them. And since then, others have recognized me and know I’m here dressed as a girl.”

Sadie and Layla were both dismayed, “We’re so sorry, what are you going to do now?”

“My mother said, I should just relax like it was intentional and that I’m okay. She and my sisters came to show their support for me. They were a little upset with me. It’s not a beach I ever come to; I should have realized others who know us do.”

Talia said, “Others recognized Nick because the pictures from one of us let them know who Nicole really was. That’s on us!”

I raised my voice just enough to get everyone’s attention, “Cool it! It doesn’t matter. I’m going to be Nicole today and enjoy it. I thank all of you for making this a cool experience. My sister has a new swimsuit that I’m supposed to wear.”

Marci pulls the swimsuit out of the bag, and while the suit is cute, but the panty is a little smaller than what I already wore and I thought as small. There is a wraparound skirt that goes with it. I expect I’ll be wearing it when I’m not in the water.

Everyone except my sister and Teri left so I could change and get ready to go to the beach. Marci was surprised to see Teri changing as well. I turned from them as I stripped down and put on my new swimsuit. I wondered if from behind Marci could see where I was taped.

She was amused by how nice I looked and that makeup hid my cutlets. Marci said, “I see Teri accepts you as another girl. I am impressed with how nice you look, sister.”

I doubt if she knew, until I told her, “Marci, you don’t know how worried I’ve been since yesterday about your acceptance of what I’ve done. I expect it ends today or tomorrow.”

Marci and Teri giggled like they knew something I didn’t. But I was certain I was right. Marci, unlike Teri, waited until I was done to change into her own suit and get ready for the beach. I was amused as she helped make sure I had sunblock on my sensitive areas. Marci said, “Nicole, you don’t realize how it can hurt to have a sunburn under your straps or where you can burn around panty lines.”

“I’m sure Mom is interested to see you in your new swimsuit. It looks very good on you, actually too good.” She took a hair braid and put it in my hair, saying, “Wear it when you’re not in the water. It will help keep the hair out of your eyes. It may even help in bringing out the blue in your eyes.”

Mitch apologized and confirmed that Tammi had posted several pictures, but that he hadn’t known of it until someone emailed him. “Man, what can we do to undo the damage?” He knew the answer like us, it was something we’d need to deal with. But there was no way to put things back as they had been.

He said, “You know Nick, you’ve shown more character in all of this than I thought you had.”

I laughed, “I bet that was supposed to be a compliment…” I asked, “Did anyone see Bonnie Halvers when we were at the boutique?”

Layla chimed in, “You didn’t recognize her, she was the dirty blonde with the awesome tan. She lathered you with praise, I was certain you knew her.”

“She told my other sister that she had seen me at the boutique. She had only recognized me because of one of the pictures she had seen of me.”

Marci text Bonnie, “We are going out to the beach. If you see Nicole or either of us sisters, please come over and say hello again.” Before we were on the beach she received confirmation from Bonnie saying, “Make sure she wears her sunglasses and floppy hat.” I’m barely 5’ 8” so I appear as just another girl.

We got settled on the beach and had already been in the water before I saw the woman from the day before. Bonnie gave me a hug, which reminded me she was a full-figure woman and I wasn’t.

She said, “I had seen a picture of you and before I could catch up to you, you were at the boutique. I was tickled when I saw you go into the changing room and try on some of the clothes. I hadn’t realized before how much you take after your mom and sisters… That is more you than I knew before.”

She stuck out her chest, “Are you going to go for enhancements? You should try a testosterone blocker before you get silicone implants.” I stepped back at the thought of that.

Teri came to my defense, “I think Nicole is quite feminine as she is!”

Marci soon walked us over to where my mom and Lana were. Before I could sit; Mom was up and wanted pictures of us. She made mental notes with her eyes as I sat down. I made sure to adjust my swimsuit.

We all visited and Bonnie told us of another of her friends who knew about me. “Geri said, she was sure that you were transgender. She said and I agreed, when we’re home from college we’d help you. She said if you got a ride to Rutgers University you could even come and stay over some night or for a weekend with her.”

I said, "This will be over tonight or tomorrow.”

Mom said, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” After Bonnie left, my mother had me walk the beach with her. I wasn’t thinking, but we were soon walking by Julie and little Debbie.

Debbie in her recognizable voice called to me, “Yeh! Nicki came to see me.” She was holding Julie’s hand as the waves would come in and come up touching the bottom of Debbie’s swimsuit.

Julie looked at my Mom and saw our resemblance. Julie introduced herself and my mother did likewise. “I thought you possibly didn’t know of Niccole doing this. She said it was about a silly bet.”

Mom said, “Nicole told me and her sisters about meeting Debbie. I am glad you weren’t alarmed having her playing with your daughter?”

Julie said, “It was good that I got to watch them together first. But it also spoke to what we’re going through with our son, who’s little body is very androgynous. We’ve been worried about him growing up… Meeting Nicole and seeing how she passes for a girl, and not some freak. Well, it helps both my husband and me, hopefully, to be good parents.”

My mother looks at me, asking, “Is it okay if I share how things have become more complicated than you planned?” She told her about pictures that had been taken and posted on social media.

Julie says, “I’m surprised, Nicki’s friends all appeared to genuinely care for her.” She agreed with my mother and more now with me. I’d do better not trying to deny it and possibly go to school once or twice as Nicole. Even possibly with a doctor’s blessing saying I might be transgender. Finally, Julie says, “I thought she probably is, but in denial of it.”

Julie told my mother, “After we invited her to have breakfast with us, I gave her money for another outfit. She or someone has a good taste for what looks good on her.”

Despite having visited quite a while and having been away from the others even longer; Mom wanted to talk with me some more. She emphasized with me the need to be open and honest with her. I knew depending on where the discussion went some of it could be hard for me to say openly with her.

“Please talk to me as Nicole and tell me how you felt and what you thought after the initial embarrassment of fulfilling your bet?” She took my hand as we walked and there was an emotional connection that helped me to feel comfortable.

I said, “Mom, it was like each step connected to the last and led to the next. Putting on sunblock, noticing others were not laughing. The other girls began treating me as one of them. They were initially saying things to embarrass me, but soon they were talking about sensitive girl things. And I was being treated as one of them. I was walking backward when Teri warned me of Debbie.

I think it was around then when little Debbie accepted me that I began accepting myself as Nicole. I liked playing with her and then she was comfortable with me. Julie was comfortable with me, even after she began to understand who I was.”

Later, when Debbie came running up to me on the boardwalk, and Julie paid for me to get a new outfit. I resented that but when we were in the boutiques I found myself liking the colors, the softness of the fabrics. Enough, that that’s not important!

Mom said, “But it is important. Thank you for sharing.” She took out her phone and talked to Lana, “Would you please bring my skirt and one of the colorful wraps for Nicole. There’s the Seaside Tea Room over to the left when you get to the boardwalk; we’ll meet you there,”

We went up to the boardwalk and were to the tea room a moment before Lana. Mom’s skirt wrapped around her waist, the upper half being solid and the bottom is a mesh. Lana smiled at me as she gave me a multi-color print material. She showed me two ways to use it, I chose to wrap it under my arms and around my chest. She even had flip-flops in her bag for both of us.

The three of us got deli-sandwiches, chips, and tea. We were casually talking and in a normal voice by mother asked, “Nick do you like being a woman?”

And without hesitation, I surprisingly said, “Yes, I surprised how much I like being Nicole. It has almost felt normal to me.” But then I catch myself, “You know mom, I can’t be. That would be absurd.”

Lana says, “Several days ago I would have said the same. I did with the first picture I saw. But looking at those pictures now and just being around you since breakfast and talking to friends.”

“Mom casually asked you a simple question, about things contrary to normal. Yet, you made being a girl be right for you.” She looks at me, “For a few hours you’ve been my sister, her daughter, the friend of a little girl. I also know you danced with some boys and enjoyed yourself… There is much more to being Nicole, but it doesn’t sound out of character for her to see it as normal.”

I started to cry and couldn’t stop; several around us asked what was wrong or if they could help. Heather introduced herself as a nurse and asked me to step outside with her for some fresh air. We did and I found myself saying, “They're thinking I might want to be a girl.” The crying was subsiding as she was accepting of me.

Heather asked, “Do you want to be a girl or is someone forcing you to be like this?” There was no judgment in her voice, and she seemed concerned that this could have been forced upon me. I shook my head ‘No’ and I thanked her for her concern. She said, “You know, I’ve seen several people having trouble accepting where they are in this time of their lives. No one should be rushing you, but they are not bad questions for real friends to ask.”

I saw my mom and Lana standing a distance away giving us space. I waved them over and the four of us hugged. Heather said, “Coming out like this and then you as the family being here today in support of her; may have been too much of a good thing. Your questions and caring are right, but she wasn’t ready to admit things. In fact, that is something she needs to decide. And despite the outward appearance, it might not be her.”

I joked, “My outward appearance right now is probably suffering and I need to get my makeup and take care of that.”

After that Mom told me, “You need to relax, go with your friends, and have a good afternoon. You can either go out with them tonight or you’re welcome to our suite.”

I said, “You sprung for a suite, what made you do that?”

Her reply was simple, “You and a holiday weekend. There weren’t a whole lot of places available to us that were decent. And your sisters weren’t ready to share with you…”

Story to be continued…

I wanted to go dancing and I wasn’t ready for my sisters to see me. So I stayed at the bungalow one more night. We did go to a pizza place for supper, where we happened to run into Julie, Debbie, and her family. Which was a blessing in disguise? There was only one large table for our group. Talia and I ended up eating with the Matters. The infant was in a girl’s jumper and being called Jamie. Debbie said aloud, “Did you know Jamie’s my sister too?”

I saw the nurse Heather that had helped me earlier in the day. I went to say hello and thanks to her. She said, “I am glad to see you doing so well. You’re a well-rounded young woman, I’m glad to see that.”

Before we got back for them to get ready to go dancing, Talia stopped at a shoe discount place. They had lowered their prices to reduce their summer inventory. I tried a pair of strappy sandals along with looking at other shoes. They were attractive, had 2 1/2” heels, and were an additional 50% off the discounted price, but I had not planned to buy any. Talia said, “Your mother told me if you were interested in anything that you didn’t have, to buy it.” She gave me thirty dollars.

Having enough money I bought two pairs of stockings. Talia cooed as she saw them put in my shopping bag. “Your mother will be happy that you took that initiative.”

Once we were back at the bungalow, I waited for the others to take a quick shower and freshen up. Teri had put out another skirt and blouse outfit for me to wear. I complained I was staying there, but not seriously. It had two layers one of lavender satin that caressed my legs, and the bluish print that skipped over it. The satin skirt was rather short and kicked up if I moved much.

I was given a different clutch purse, and Teri showed me how to strap it around my waist when I was dancing. She helped with my makeup. By the time we were ready to go, I would have danced with me if I were also Nick.

I ask about my new shoes, and Teri says they should be good for dancing and the guys will like what they do to your calves. I can’t believe the stockings will hold themselves up, so Teri takes me back into the room to gain the experience of wearing a garter belt. “This isn’t necessary but it will add to your girl experiences.”

Between the stockings and my painted toenails, my legs, and feet received a lot of compliments from the other girls as we set out for the Back Porch Lounge. The person letting us in, said to me, “Your sisters asked a little while ago if I saw you.”

I was wanting to back out and turn around hearing my sisters were there. When we went in, Lana was waving her hands. “We’ve got some tables.”

Marci said, “Some boy named Harrison wanted to dance with me, thinking I was you.”

“He must have had you mixed up with some other girl.”

She said, “Another Nicole Miller, I don’t think so.”

I said, “I never told him my last name.”

Marci says, “But you did talk with him, and he even said you were a good dancer. He didn’t answer when I asked if you were a good kisser?”

Lana had gone and bought me a glass of wine. Both of my sisters looked at my outfit and legs. Lana asked, “Are the sandals new? They look very nice on you.”

Talia answered for me, “Thanks. Yes, we got them with the money your mother gave me. Nicole bought two additional pairs of stockings with the money.”

The group went out on the dance floor and started to dance as a group. Soon, guys were coming up and pairing off with different ones of us. I was thankful but embarrassed when I wasn’t picked last. Jack looked to be a college student and I felt a need to tell him I was only in high school.

“I’m only a college sophomore and I don’t bite,” he said.

We’re dancing and Jack says his major is environmental studies. The next dance is slow and I found myself interested because of what he finds important. We go out on the deck overlooking the ocean after that song. I like the coolness created by the wind and the ocean’s mist. Jack’s hand slips under my blouse as it blows a little, and that feels nice.

I am telling myself, he’s another boy I can’t be liking him. We go back and are sitting with my friends. Lana’s even there and tells Jack, “That’s my little sister, you be nice to her.”

Jack kind of chuckles, saying, “I see where she gets her good looks.”

Lana says, “Are you trying to schmooze with her sister at well?”

Jack says, “Not in the slightest I like your sister.” He orders another beer and I switch to diet cola.

Jack had text someone and soon another guy is over to ask Lana to dance. The next song is slow and the four of us are dancing and having a good time. We spend the time there as a foursome.

It is after one when Lana and I call it a night. I text Teri, “I’m going to stay the night with my family. I’ll be around for my clothes in the morning.”

Teri calls and we talk. It lasted longer than our trip to the hotel and while we’re settling into the room. When we finish the call, Lana says, “Welcome to a girl’s world. It takes a moment to think about all my conversations covered with Teri. She had met up with Chad a boy she had dated before. She even talked about getting warm and moist. I was surprised that she said it to me.

I finish talking with Lana, took a shower, and changed into a panty and nightgown. I should go to bed, but I’m wound up and can’t sleep. I can’t believe my mom wants to listen to me talk about my feelings as Nicole, but she’s up making two cups of mint tea. She hands me one, sits near me, and says, “Go ahead and talk.”

“Mom, it’s nothing bad, but I can’t believe you want to hear me talk about a boy?”

She softly grins, “It won’t be the first time I hear it from one of my daughters. I suspect you didn’t think you’d be one of them.”

She did one of those Mom things of becoming quiet, waiting for me to talk, when I didn’t intend to I start talking. “Mom, it was just to be a dance. I told him I was just a high school girl. He started to talk about him being an environmental student. We talked like friends and well we just became friends for the night. He didn’t do anything inappropriate, strangely I liked him more for that. We kissed once but not again until saying goodnight. We exchanged phone numbers and I since took the message off on mine.”

Mom asked, “Are you likely to see him tomorrow?”

“I don’t think it is likely.”

Mom says, “If you do, you probably should tell him about you. It would be wise of you to have one of us near you.”

“It would be simpler if I dressed as Nick, then he wouldn’t recognize me.”

Mom scoots closer to me, “It would take a good amount of fussing to get you looking less than an effeminate Nicole. I don’t recommend that.” Mom says, “The worst you’ve done is to have feelings for this Jack as Nicole… It does suggest to me, there is more to you being Nicole than just clothing and makeup.”

I cuddle with my mother, stayed there quietly thinking until I fell asleep. I woke up with a pillow under my head, covered by a sheet, huddled up where we had been sitting.

Mom sent Lana to get me, breakfast was tea, a toasted bagel, and cream cheese. “We need to go over to the bungalow and get your wardrobe of clothes,” she laughed.

We were over with Teri and the others when I received a call from Jack. His voice was different; he said he wanted to see me but we needed to talk. Likewise, I told him I needed to tell him something.

After the phone conversation, I guess it was noticeable that I was fidgety as I put my clothes on hangers or folded them into a box. Teri, Talia, and others teased me about being serious with the boy that I had been with. I guess Harris had shown up after I went off with Jack. They were now giving me a hard time about Jack. “You, Nicky, are having way too much sway in attracting boys.”

I said, “But I don’t even want to,”

Talia says, “Sometimes that causes a girl to be more attractive to guys.”

Both my family and the group will be on the beach part of the day and we’d say goodbye sometime in the afternoon.

Mid-morning we’re on the beach and my phone indicates a call. I answer it and it is Jack, he says, “Can we meet on the boardwalk, so I can talk with you?”

I reply, “Fine but I need to tell you something as well.” We were to meet right away and I’m glad as he says, “I’m looking forward to seeing you.”

Mom and Marci follow behind me, but Jack’s there alone as he said. Jack holds his arms open for a hug, which I take as a good sign. However, I am worried about what he’ll think when I tell him about me. I don’t expect he’ll want to see me and I’m hoping he won’t get angry enough to hit or yell at me.

Jack says, “I showed our picture to my mother and she said she might have met you yesterday.” He points over to where his mother and sister are standing, thirty feet away. I recognize his mother to be Heather Sommers and her sister looks like her.

“So you probably know what I want to tell you? I’m transgender.” I can see relief come to Jack’s face.

He says, “I’m glad you are not denying it because I really liked you.” I said, “And I like you as well.” Both our moms and sisters walk to be with us. Instinctually, I hug his mom, thanking her for her help. Then I try apologizing saying I wasn’t trying to mislead her son.

My mom gives me a hug, “Let them speak Nicole.” Renee introduces herself, saying it is nice to meet me. Renee, Marci, and I instantly like one another. Renee says, “I can see why my brother likes you. Mom told me you were struggling with your identity. If that’s the case my brother is one of the better people you could meet. One of his better friends at college thinks she wants to be a man.”

“Jack can you actually still like me?”

He says, “It’s different for me, but you seem to be the same person I fell in love with last night.” I mouth, “Love.” His saying that kind of scared me.

Renee saw the expression on my face and she said, “Brother, you’re moving too fast. She needs to be a friend and allow you two to grow in a relationship together. She needs space to decide if she’s even a girl and what that means.”

I know others have been saying similar things, but this made sense and registered with me. The more I relaxed as we were talking, the more feelings were growing inside of me.

Renee says, “Why don’t you come with us and see where we are settled on the beach? Then you can take Jack to where you are and then go into the ocean for a while.”

I looked at others and decided to do that. Walking to where they had their things, hand in hand, with Jack was a new girl experience that I liked. Ms. Sommers invited me to sit and visit for a while. She told stories about Jack, seemingly he had many girlfriends.

We just started to walk to where my family was and I was becoming nervous. Jack asked what the problem was and I said, “I don’t know what to say bringing a boy over to my Mom and sisters I’m nervous.”

Jack said, “I’m nervous that I might not get a chance to give you a passionate kiss and to say how I feel about you.”

I said, “Mm, nice idea but not in front of all these people.”

He said, “How about under the boardwalk I knew a couple of niches and if one’s empty we can just take a moment, use our towels to give us a little privacy.” We walked over and found one with no one around.

I said, “We shouldn’t.” He said, “Just a kiss.” We did and it felt so right that we went under the boardwalk. One can see shadows and hear footprints passing overhead, but we’re in the dark so they can’t see us. We put up a towel to cut us off from the beach, my towel so I’m not lying on the sand.

“Jack, just a kiss, we shouldn’t get too passionate.” I lie down on my towel and he is next to me. His first kiss is nice but barely passionate, I find myself drawing him closer and my hold is a little stronger. Our lips meet and we’re both passionate. We hug and he’s enough on top of me that I know he’s as excited as I am. My body moans, I struggle not to.

Someone above us drops some coins including at least one that falls through lands on Jack’s back and hits my hand. The moment is broken; I’m relieved as well as disappointed. Jack had come in his swimsuit and is cursing. I had leaked but I was sure my shield caught that little amount.

Jack smiled at me, “I’m embarrassed, I’m running for the water.” We both get up get out and start running for the water. We drop our towels and jump into the ocean. And we swam out enough to make sure we’re fairly clean with no signs of our shenanigans. We kiss have some fun in the water and then go back to get our towels.

When we get to my family Renee’s already there; ready to go into the ocean with my sisters. My Mom stares at me and asks, “And what have you been up to?”

I guess the way I said, “It was nothing,” meant it was something. Mom says to Jack, “Why don’t you go find the others in the ocean. Nicole and I may or may not be here when you get back.” Jack was ready to say something but decided not to. He went toward the water.

Mom told me, “Get your things, we’re going for a walk and we may or may not be back.” We went walking on the boardwalk since we each have a beach bag, we’re not carrying too much. We’re talking as we pass by the car, a good sign. The hotel is almost a mile down the beach. I didn’t confess to everything, but I told mom we went under the boardwalk to kiss.

She tells me she can suppose some of the emotions I was going through. She didn’t seem too angry but said I’m too young especially as a girl. I didn’t fully understand why, but mom took me into a cosmetic boutique. She asked a woman to show me some cosmetics suitable for a high school senior. We had a nice mother-daughter time, and the woman showed me how to get some nice looks. We only bought a little more than was needed. I got a pretty cosmetic bag and a handful of samples given to me.

When we turned to leave from there, I knew we were now going to the hotel. And Mom began talking to me. “Nicole, I know you are going through a lot right now. I don’t mean to be mean or against you, but I need to be firm about some things.”

“Mom, I’m not Nicole.” Mom quickly stopped me, “While we’re out here talking, you’re definitely my daughter. You are too young and inexperienced to go off alone with a guy.”

Using Nicole’s voice, I say, “Mom, I understand guys quite well.”

She replied, “That’s why I thought you would know better.” I thought and giggled. “What if he gets angry with you for deceiving him?”

“Mom. You know Jack knows about me. But don’t worry for I am not ready for him to see me and do any petting.”

We are finally in our hotel room, but the cleaning people are there. Mom goes in gets a skirt for each of us and a peasant blouse for me. Once they’re on we headed down to the restaurant. We’re out on their porch at one of the tables covered by a giant beach umbrella.

Mom asks, “Are you wanting to go to school as Nick; only time or two as Nicole?”

“Mom, I had been putting that out of my thoughts. I’m afraid to think about what our other friends are going to think of me. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

Mom says, “Well, we need to. I told you I’ve talked to my doctor and she’s wanting to know if we need an appointment on Tuesday.”

“’ She’, you’re not talking about Dr. Creighton? You don’t expect me to go to your female doctor, do you?”

“Are you saying, your time here as Nicole isn’t significant for you? Do you think you could go back to just being,” Mom looks around, nobody’s near us, “Nick?”

I say, “I think, I could force myself. But I feel being Nicki is part of me. But I’d still be embarrassed to go to your doctor, what’s her name?”

Marci spotted us outside as she went through the lobby. We explained that they had been cleaning the rooms. She thought Mom would be angry and grounding me. She’s amused that Mom is calm and then surprised about my agreement that I might need to see their doctor, Dr. Denise Bradley.

Marci asks, “Nicki what do you have to say for yourself and this weekend?”

I say, “First, I felt obligated because of the lost bet, but I didn’t mind. Then I turned out to be a presentable girl. But it was little Debbie liking me, I loved being accepted by her as a girl and her play friend.” I paused, “I’ve always looked up to you and Lana; I had thought it would have been neat to be your sister. But Saturday I felt like I am your sister. When none of you laughed at me, as Nicole I felt acceptance.”

Mom paid the restaurant check and left a tip, and we were going up to our rooms. Once in our rooms, I went in flopping down and my bed with my skirt bouncing up. Marci behind me, remarked, “That is not something you want to get used to. Not only is it quite revealing, but it is going to set some wrinkles in your pretty skirt.”

She changes the subject, “So what were you thinking of when you were with that Jack Sommers?”

Sarcastically, I said, “I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

She said, “I don’t think that was the case. And I wasn’t trying to give you a hard time.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been expecting people to give me a difficult time ever since this started.” Instead of letting me my sister said, ‘so’ and then turned quiet.

“The first kiss was nice, and I liked it. Then we were both more passionate in the second. We both well enough said.”

I was surprised, when my sister directly asked, “Did you want him?”

I said, “Luckily, he was more uncomfortable than me, but we both knew we had gone farther than we wished.”

Marci said, “You’re lucky, I think if you were in a car off someplace isolated it would have gone further.” I had mixed emotions about her being right. Marci, “I have trouble believing this was your first time. Am I right in thinking that?”

I try to get away with saying as little as possible. “I tried on Lana’s old swimsuit” Marci was staring, indicating she’s expecting more, “Decided to dress into a pair of jeans and a blouse to see if I could pass for a girl to get onto the beach.”

Marci questioned, “Did you try on a bra or put pads in your swim top?” It wasn’t a ‘yes/no’ but which.

“A set of your old pads that attached to the top.” Marci grinned and simply said, “Makeup?”

I said, “Just enough lip-gloss and basic makeup.”

“Surely, you knew enough to use a little concealer.” I nodded my head yes. Marci continued, “How more often have you tried to see yourself as a girl?” I remain silent. “Dr. Denise Bradley will need to know if she’s to see you as a believable transgender girl Nicole.” She paused and the room became quiet until she said, “I think, it has been at least five years since adolescence had settled in. I think I’ve seen signs but never enough to believe with any certainty.”

I asked, “Were you tempting me when some of your laundry clothes got put into my room from time to time?”

Marci says, “I think the first time it was accidental with Lana’s clothes. But that was where I got the idea. Did you leave the clothes alone because you were suspicious?”

I laid down on Marci’s bed and she was rubbing my back when I fell asleep. I slept for over an hour and had a thin blanket over me when I woke up along with her monkey Samantha.

Once again I dressed as Nicole as we were going to the Bay Side Diner. It was a place, my Mom, like for seafood, it held memories of Dad as well.

It caused me to ask, “What do you think Grandma Miller will think of be being a girl?” I said, “Luckily, she has two other grandsons to carry the family name.

Marci says, “Wow, you thought through things that much…

Story to be continued…

Previously: I confessed worry about how the family would receive me. If they saw or were told of my pictures it would embarrass them. I was also worried that as Nicole I would not carry on the family name…

Mom said, “Nicki, Lana is already planning to carry on the family name, either Nicole or Nicolaus could do the same. Talia for one seems interested in you as Nicole and Nicolaus.”

“Has she said that to you Mom?”

Mom answers, “Not in so many words, but she gives off a scent that says more.” Marci smiled at what mom said, which helped me to understand.

Marci and Lana were getting ready to go on the boardwalk and probably a place with music. Mom came to me, “Aren’t you going out too?”

“I thought I was grounded?”

Mom said, “If you didn’t learn your lesson that is true. But it could also be your last time out as Nicole.”

When I go to figure out what to wear, Lana comes holding a blue sequin minidress. “How about you wearing this, it will shout ‘woman’ with no indication of a boy?”

I said, “You can’t be serious.” But I took it and held it in front of me looking into a mirror. “Wow! It’s beautiful but you can’t expect me to wear it?”

Mom said, “It was purchased for you to wear now or when you’re comfortable. I communicated with Jack’s mom that you might be up on the boardwalk.”

I was quickly changing and I learned a little more in doing makeup for evenings. Lana helped me and as subtle as it was, it still made a nice colorful difference. I hadn’t thought I was cute, but when I looked in the mirror I thought I was quite cute.”

Marci said, “Look, whose happy with how she looks.” It was affirming to hear that my mom and sisters were supportive and encouraging of me. I was still afraid I was going to be laughed at.

We were early enough onto the boardwalk to we enjoyed being there. Lana wanted to play mini-golf. I was worried about stooping down to place my golf ball or to get it out of the cup. Before we went to putt-putt golf, we went to a store with books, magazines, everything else. I saw a collection of the twenty top sellers. Lana said, “Here get this one, you need to learn to enjoy romance and mystery novels.”

I replaced it with a 239-page romance novel; Lana saw it and said it would be a good start. I saw her pick up a book that might be good for a younger girl, and I was hoping it wasn’t for me.

We were going over to the mini-golf course when Jack greeted us. I recognized another person close by, Lacy Greene. Lacy watched as Jack put his hand on my waist and give me a peck on the cheek. I was becoming afraid with each passing second. Lacy stepped forward, “I saw pictures of you on FB, you look even prettier in person.” She then said, “I hope we can be friends at school this year.”

I said, “I can’t believe, I’m standing here like this. Things have happened so fast, I am thankful you are being so nice.”

Lacy says, “Since I saw the first picture, I was hoping we’d see each other. You don’t know how sweet I could get with you. Maybe we’ll run into you later if you go to one of the dance places.”

We went our differing ways shortly after that. Jack had given me some space to visit with her and he was now back. “I hope, I didn’t embarrass you by my kiss?”

I said, “She’s a school friend, and while she saw the kiss, I don’t think it mattered to her.” Jack complimented on how I looked. He asked if he could play mini-golf with us. He and I teamed against my sisters. Being in the blue sequin dress I was so mindful of people watching me, I did not play well. He was a gentleman getting my ball out of the first three cups, but that ended on the fourth hole when I scored a hole in one. It also ended my lucky string. Luckily, I knew to bend at the knee to keep my girl like features working.

A strong wind kicked up and shortly after that, it started to shower. We quickly returned our clubs and golf balls and hurried our way to shelter. It was the first time I got to wear a scarf to protect my hair.

I had trotted to cover in my heels and enjoyed the feel of my legs in panties, with a skirt, and my feet in my new sandals. ‘New sandals(?),’ all my girl clothes are new. Lana knew I was thinking something, but there was no way I’m telling her at that point.

Jack took me to a store to look around and without my knowing he called me back to him and had me try on a friendship ring. Only Nicole would be able to wear this one. It was not cheap as it had a sapphire.

Despite having seen Talia in the store, I give Jack a kiss and a hug. Jack looks at me and then to Talia. I knew Talia felt obligated to look at the ring, say it was nice, and then to compliment me. She even joked, “Nicole, you’re lucky to woo such an attractive guy.”

I wanted to cry and apologize to Talia, and say it was her that I cared for. Instead, I said, “Jack that is so pretty, maybe the nicest ring I will ever receive.” Talia was soon gone.

It was getting closer to when we’d go someplace to dance. The truth, as Nicole, I was feeling good having Jack hug me. We walk back to my sisters with Jack holding my hand. Marci, as I suspected, was the first to see my ring and she mentions it to Lana.

They too are now with two good looking guys. Lana introduces me to Tom Hensly and some Brad fellow who was with him. I felt a little better as Tom was a friend of Lana’s from college and not near where we lived. My sisters complimenting on the ring also helped me to feel good about it.

Someone did Lana the favor of taking a picture of the three of us with her phone.

When we went to Greg’s Keg: I asked Jack not to buy me anything but diet colas. The place was already crowded by ten, and there were only three chairs for one tall table. Needless to say, I as one of the girls got to sit. With the shiny blue mini-dress, I did not see it in my favor. Scooting up onto a tall seat in a fairly tight dress was a new experience with me.

It was 11:30 by the time I finished my first cola, and it was Brad who took it upon himself to buy me a wine cooler. Needless to say, Lana and I both let him know in no uncertain terms, it was not appreciated. Lana had the waitress take it away and bring me a cola that I paid for.

Dancing with Jack was already being a good experience, and the cooler incident did little to dampen that. Brad had walked off to be with other friends, but Marci did not suffer for the lack of attention.

There came the time I needed to use the women’s room. It was reasonably clean and as I came back to the sinks to wash and check my makeup I was happy with how well I fixed my makeup and hair. It tickled me when I even got a compliment from Lana. Lana was apologetic again for what Bret had done.

It was the last I wanted to hear any apology and I told her.

I was surprised, come midnight when Lana encouraged Jack to take me back to our hotel. I suspected for Lana and Marci, it had been enough of having their little sister around this long. And for Jack and I, we liked the idea of us being away from them.

Kregg’s Keg was reasonably close to the hotel, but instead of going directly there, we walked awhile. I now wished I hadn’t worn hose as we went walking in the sand near the water. It did give us a little more privacy for more intimate kisses. Jack had already written his phone and email on a piece of paper to give me. I told him my phone number and that he’d need to wait for me to set up an email account.

One time he lifted me in a hug and I knew my skirt slid up my buns. One of his hands reached down to stop my slide. His hand was at the bottom of my panty. He said he was sorry. I questioned if either of us were.

I did at that point head back to the boardwalk and back towards the hotel. Fortunately, we were back to the hotel before my sisters. Jack escorted me to the elevator and gave me one more kiss before I went into the elevator.

Mom came out of her room, in the pretty nightgown and robe. I for some reason couldn’t help saying. “I bet it means a lot to my sisters to see how beautiful of a woman you are.”

Mom says, “ Are you trying to stay away from how your night went? I thought your sisters were going to bring you back before they went dancing?”

Mom too changed the subject, “You too look more like me than your father. So does how I look make you happy?”

I look to her saying, “You know I feel like a teenage girl now. That must be disconcerting to you?”

Mom says, “Most important right now is that you are not denying how you feel. I don’t want you to feel forced one way or another. I am glad that as Nicole you look like your sisters. And Nicolaus, you should know you are a handsome young man as well.”

I told her, “Mom, we were going over to play mini-golf when Jack saw me. We didn’t quite play a full round as it began to rain and we left to get out of the rain.” I smiled, “I got to wear my first scarf as Nicki.”

Mom interrupted asking, “And where did that ring come from?”

I touched the ring with my other hand, lowered my head saying, “We went into one of the nearby shops. I swear, I didn’t want it, but Jack bought it as a friendship ring for me. The worst part was that Talia was nearby as I felt I needed to thank him with a kiss.”

Mom held an arm up so I could scoot near her for a hug. She said, “Sometimes nice things can take place at a less than perfect time.”

“Mom, how is it you can come up with the wisdom you do?” Mom snuggled me further into her hold. “Honey, you being comfortable with what you’re going through, helps make my job as your mom that much easier. I guess you can thank your grandparents as well.”

With that Mom shooed me off to get ready for bed, “Get going, the morning will come early enough. Your sisters will soon be coming back and they’ll want into the shower and sink.”

We were home by ten on Tuesday morning, but Mom insisted I stay as Nicole until my appointment was over. I guess this Dr. Denise was seeing me early that afternoon. I had to make space in my closest for my new clothes. It was then I figured out why I was given this bedroom. My sisters needed the room of the larger closets in their rooms.

Not thinking of other things I walked out into our backyard to get space to think. That was when a neighbor came out of her house to say hello, Helen is her name. She said, “Hello, Nicole! It is nice to meet you. I hope you are not embarrassed that we meet like this.”

I apologized for not thinking, to which she discounted the need for an apology and her happiness in meeting me. “Nicki, you need to relax. I don’t look at much social media but even I saw some pictures of you. I am impressed with how attractive you are and that you look so much like your sisters and mother.”

I asked, “Does your husband (Jerry) know that I’ve dressed as a girl?” She smiles, nods her head yes and indicates it is well with the two of them.

My mother calls me into the house to check my appearance and to get going. Though we have plenty of time it is a half-hour drive and there are always forms on the first visit. The receptionist is nice, but I think I cut into her lunchtime. Once the forms are in, we are waiting and two other people come in for appointments. One girl decided to begin a conversation.

Nurse Cheri asks, “Nick… Nicole Miller.” I go have my weight, height, and vitals taken. “Nicki, can you tell me why you are here?”

I think that was quite obvious, being shy head is bowed, as she asks, “Do you want to be called Nick or would you rather it be Nicole or something else when you’re here?”

“Nicole Miller would be okay.”

She asks, “Are you here on your own dressed as Nicole or is someone forcing you?”

I said, “Dressing as Nicki was part of a bet that I lost, but that started with the long holiday weekend. Things happened; like the next morning I was to have breakfast with others and I had gotten a new outfit. And by then I had a girl’s tan started so I didn’t think it would be good to change back.”

Cheri asked, “Were these things people trapped you into doing or were they your choosing? This is important for us to know.”

I lifted my head more, “You’re going to think I’m weird but the more I did things, the more it felt natural in being Nicole. I didn’t plan to do all this, but it’s like I found another part of me.”

I felt good as Cheri was reaffirming that though it was not common it made sense as my story. She assured me that Dr. Denise was good. It was funny in all of this I went on the other side of a curtain and changed into one of their gowns. Cheri excused herself and within minutes Dr. Denise Bradley came in.

Dr. Bradley is near my mom’s age but probably not quite. “It is nice to meet you, Nicole. I would like you to acknowledge for me that you are also Nicolaus Miller.”

“Yes, I am Nicolaus, but my mom thought you should see me like this.”

She said, “You seem comfortable with presenting yourself as Nicole?”

“Yes, I am kind of getting used to it, having presented myself as Nicole all weekend.”

She notices my friendship ring and asks about it. “Sorry, I forgot to take it off. A boy gave it to me. I didn’t intend on getting it nor having pictures taken and posted. Those things just happened.”

Dr. Denise says, “That seems to indicate this got serious quite quickly. Do you see yourself remaining as a girl?”

“No, I don’t think my friends at school will be very receptive of that. But Mom thought since I liked it, I needed to find a way to indicate to my friends it was me and not something crazy nor condescending. Does that make sense?”

We talked, she was amused that I attracted a boyfriend, yet had girlfriends who are close to me both as Nick and Nicki. That I’m grounded as Nick, and not wanting to lose my boy parts. I did tell her that I hope sometime to be able to present myself as Nicole at school…

She spoke and we were wrapping things up. She had examined me and said my body and mind were intact. “So, my understanding is that you’re Nick who also sees himself as a transgender girl.” It is an awakening for me that the two aren’t in conflict. It does some up who I am.

I lean over and hug Dr. Denise, “Yes, I think that’s who I am. I thank you, you make me sound normal.” I think I caught her by surprise.

She looks to me, “Yes, you are normal. It may be a new sense of normal for you. I’m writing a note for you, your mother and the school if this is all okay with you. You will be free to present yourself as Nick or Nicole. You will have a light medication but your intention at this point is to usually present yourself as Nicolaus and not lose that part of you.”

She continued, “I do want you to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who works with those in the GLBT community. I will give you and your mother a shortlist of professionals you might want to consider.

“Nicole, I see that you will be soon turning 18. I want to encourage you not to break your ties with those who are your support system. It will be very important in the long run that you have them. You are already an adult and I want you to be the one responsible for your future.”

I find myself affirming what she said as I left after she, my mother and I visited.

Mom said, “So are you up to celebrating girl style; I’d be willing to buy you a new outfit for school?”

I said, “Could I see if Teri or Talia could go with us?” Mom said yes and I swiftly text them both.

Talia quickly got back to me. “Yes, I want to go to the Bridgewater Mall if that’s okay. And if you have your ring on, keep it on.”

Mom agreed to her choice of malls; I was tickled that Talia and I were still friends. We were just ready to pass our community when Teri text, yes but needed a ride. It made us a little late to meet Talia.

I could tell mom enjoyed our energy and friendship as three girls. The skirt and blouse they helped me choose we fairly plain a red skirt that would be just above my knees and a print blouse of red and yellow fall leaves. They are actually prettier than I can describe. Teri said having ordinary school clothes would be better.

We looked around as Teri and Talia were looking at clothes, cosmetics and accessories as well. I ended getting two pocketbooks. One actually being for me as Nick. I have an awful habit of losing things going from class to class. I thought the unisex pocketbook would help. Mom doubted I would use it, but I told them I’d have the next day as we started school…

Story to be continued…

Early Wednesday morning, Nick’s mom had arranged for her and Nick to meet with Principal Andersen and his counselor Ms. Judy Blaine. The turn in Nick’s life was even a full week old and they knew little next to nothing about it. Ms. Blaine did say, “I can’t say I’m completely surprised. But Nick or Nicki he will get my complete respect and unconditional help.”

Principal Martha Andersen said, “Well if he didn’t feel pressured and needing to be this Nicole today, maybe he’s not really transgender.”

Nicolaus’ eyes go into a panic, “I was too afraid of what you would say and how the students would react.”

His mother spoke up, “Nicki, maybe we should go home so you can quickly change? Maybe then she’ll realize how real this is for you.”

“Mom this isn’t a tug of war to prove anything. I was thinking of waiting until Monday, to give my friends time to ask questions. I don’t know; now it might be tomorrow or Friday… Principal Andersen, I’m sorry I don’t know how to say what I want, except that Dr. Bradley accepts that I’m Nicole as well.”

Principal Andersen says, “I thought Dr. Bradley was a girl and woman’s doctor?”

“She is, that’s the point, she saw me and I will see Dr. Hanna Miles, but it will take me up to six weeks to see her unless I get in because of a cancelation.”

It was old news with a new twist for Nick returning to school. Many students had already or would soon know of Nick’s girly pictures. Many others, who said, “Nick who,” would soon know and laugh. Some had even gotten shirts with pictures of him as Nicole.

Ms. Judy Blaine said, “You know there is still some of the new lockers for senior girls. It is closer to most of your classes and further from some of the boys that you’ll want to be away from.” She rattled off a few names, Talia was among them, where there were two lockers. Ms. Blaine, “Please think twice if Nicole’s not really you.”

I say, “Talia and I are friends, but I’m not sure she’ll want Nicole close around her.”

“Done,” says Ms. Blaine, “There will be a new girl close by, Melia Mmongo comes from Zambia and her mother is a nurse. I think you’ll like her and she you.” I received my locker number and combination. Thankfully not everyone there were girls just the vast majority.

Talia and Layla both saw me and joked about how my tan was doing. I said, “You might see it tomorrow depending on which outfit I wear.” I get rid of most of my stuff and grab my folder, along with my new school computer.

I get to Mr. Haller’s room and get some guff from several who had seen my picture as Nicole. “Where’s Nicki, can’t she come to school to play?” There was some more comments that were not as nice. Mr. Haller put a halt to the nonsense, but did ask aloud, “Were the pictures indeed of you as they said?”

I asked, “Can I wait until everyone’s in the room so I can answer?”

He said, “The answer must be yes if an explanation is needed.” I cringe as I’d rather have said things without his commentary.

Layla and Sadie had just walked into the room, “Nick had gotten a girl tan; he didn’t know the lotion had a lower sunblock number or that it wore off.” Layla took over, “Nicole became more comfortable being her as the weekend had gone on. Even Nick’s family accepted his girl side.”

That said it made it easier to speak as boldly as I did. I said, “I had planned to wait until Monday to show how I look as Nicole, but I’ll probably do it tomorrow. I guess my being Nicole is meant to be.”

Lacy comes over and gives me a hug, but so I didn’t misinterpret it she whispered, “Nick, I’m here for Nicole as well.”

I whispered back, “Is it easier to be here for Nicole?”

She said, “I like the courage it takes being you. It struck me as one of those moments that you got to embrace being Nicole/Nick." She said, “If you take recess outside, I’ll paint your nails.” I whispered back, “11:30 then.”

Marty was my first guy friend to confirm without reservation that we were still friends. It seemed to make it more okay for guys to talk to me. As several guys in each class began to talk to me. Marty asked, “If you dress as this Nicole tomorrow will you have a voice that’s hers as well?”

I said, “Yes, it’s a good question. It might not be great, but it is better than hearing this voice while wearing a girl’s outfit.” Marty suggested it didn’t need to be very different.

Lacy informed him, “It is pretty good and you’ll know definitely which one you’re talking to.” It caused me to realize that I really didn’t know how I sounded as Nicole. It caused me to wonder if that was part of the reason being Nicole felt so natural?

After lunch, I was in a writing class and Ms. Jenkins smiled as she looked at my fingernails, noticing they were painted. “I want each of you to whet your imagination and to write your first essay of the class as another person. Nicolaus, you can do it as a girl, but not Nicole, is that fair?” I agreed it was.

Teri was in the same class and suggested, “Why don’t you be Margo an environmentalist?”

I wasn’t sure what came over me, but I snapped back, “How about Margo as a botanist wanting to re-establish bird sanctuaries?”

Ms. Jenkins said, “Margo, I mean Nicole, um Nick… you’re free to decide for yourself.” It was like taking another step forward, though I hadn’t finalized my decision on being Nicki or Nick, and now Margo was thrown into the mix. Ms. Jenkins taught a lesson about writing in the first, second or third person.

Marci was home from the community college, Mom was working until six, and Lana was off to the university and living on campus. That I was the boy at the ocean in a girl’s swimsuit even caught up with Lana. Text: “Nick, someone asked if Nicole Miller was my sister. She had seen our picture together and already knew the answer. She’s happy to hear that Nicole might be alive and well. Riley encourages you to take your time in your self-discovery. She said you can call her if you want I have her number.”

Marci liked seeing my fingernails. When I informed her of Nicole going to school tomorrow; we talked about what happened. “It might be just as well,” she said. “Friends at the college knew about my new sister and what she looked like, at least in a swimsuit and wraparound skirt.”

I asked if she had a long skirt I could wear. She had two, but we decided once mom was home we should go and find one better for me.

I knew it was now getting to the place we were spending more money than Mom was comfortable with. She agreed, “However, this is a needed purchase.” Lacy had mentioned a ‘poet’s blouse’ that I knew nothing of. Mom and Marci said it was a good choice as I had trouble keeping shirts tucked in.

I found a nice long print skirt and a poet’s blouse with an asymmetrical hem and loose sleeves. After I found the right sizes and tried them, Mom had me take off the tags, so she could pay for them.

Then she did something I was not ready for, but I guess she had planned. Grandma Ford was at Aunt Tina’s. Mom said our cousins Brett and Cyndi were both expecting us.

Upon entering their house Brett’s eyes rolled, and Cyndi giggled, “I never imagined you as a girl but it works.” She gave me a hug and Brett gave me an extreme high five. My eyes were staring at Grandma. She finally put out two hands to take hold of mine.

“While this looks better than my grandson in a two-piece swimsuit, I’ll wait and give you time and room to decide your life.” Then she opened her arms for the traditional hug.

It was Grandma who first remarked about my choice in going to school as Nicole. “I think this will give others a chance to see you without staring at your legs or evaluating your figure? I suggest your sister help you with your hairdo in the morning.”

Cyndi took me and Marci to her room, she had a skirt she thought would be better for me than it was for her. Marci agreed as it was a fall gold. It would look good with the poet blouse as well, but Marci said she had another blouse.

Come the next morning, when I saw the long skirt and the gold skirt, and with Marci’s encouragement, I would save the long skirt. Marci did me the favor of going into the kitchen, telling Mom, “I have helped talk Nicole into wearing the gold skirt she got from Cousin Cyndi.” Marci was also back to help me with my hair and the little makeup a girl was allowed to wear.

Mom checked on me before she left for work at the hospital. She also sent a note confirming I had her blessing to come as I was.

Marci gave me a ride to school and while I didn’t ask or check behind me she waited to see how I was initially accepted. It was Talia, Sadie, and Teri who told me she had done so. Their words, “Good going girl, you are definitely looking like one of us." Teri was wearing a skirt today and Talia said she would be tomorrow if Nicki was coming. I showed them the picture of the long skirt I bought and they were happy with my selection.

I am getting use to girls getting excited and complimenting what another chooses.

I got some grief for coming dressed as Nicole in my first class but was glad I had as many or more who complimented me or clapped for me when the teacher spoke up in my defense. One of my critics later said, “I’m sorry if I was taken wrong. I thought you should have worn something nicer for your first time, you’re not an ordinary girl. Your skirt selection should have reflected that.”

Melia introduced herself and we were soon friends. She was a junior taking mostly senior classes. Neither one of us had known of the other. I was a help to her as I asked her to sit with some of us seniors at lunchtime.

It was at the end of lunch that I got a text from Mom: “Dr. Bradley called me. She got you in to see Dr. Haller at the end of today; Marci will pick you up from school. I’ll take some time when the two of you get here to go with you. Don’t miss your ride with your sister.”

I wasn’t happy with the surprise appointment, but I knew it was better than waiting six weeks. Talia told me, “I bet when the Doctor heard your GYN requested it, Dr. Miles was the one to change it. I’m happy for you, but it is for an appointment, not to hurry things up.”

I used my study time in the library to begin my essay. The idea of choosing Margo as a bird-loving environmentalist in our state of corporations and depleted farms did not seem to make for a popular person. I decided to change it from a fight to a challenge in which corporations and farmers could be friendly partners if they choose.

I had my one-page outline for the next day. We needed to do that with Ms. Jenkins. I had advanced environmental sciences for my last class. Mr. Barstow was upset to see me as Nicole. It wasn’t a big surprise as he was nearing retirement. But I hoped he would change his mind as he was like an old bulldog who’s growl usually subsided as he came to know the person. He knew me as Nick and he had been happy with me.

I was out of school and looking for Marci; the only questions were if she was on time and if we were waiting on the same side of school. She and I usually chose this side, but Mom consistently chose the front of the school.

Marci and I were on the same page and she took me home to quickly freshen up, “Nicki, you want to make a good impression but don’t go overboard. That might look phony.”

I was glad to go home first as I had not used the toilet all day. I decided to use Nick’s unisex pocketbook with its straps. I put a regular sock in each bra cup, instead of the little footie I had in them. I had become conscious of them all through school. They still were noticeable but Marci commented on the change as being good.

We were there in plenty of time as they’re always papers to fill out. Today more of them was on a computer pad. I was filling in most of the basic information when mom arrived and she was penciling in information but not all of it.

I had to fill in things like if I was depressed, suicidal, abused and things like that. I stated I wasn’t sure about the difference between being anxious and depressed. I was often a loner, but if I went out it was as a group of friends. I handed in my information but was told the blocked areas were scored by a computer and the comments that weren’t asked for weren’t read.

Another girl who went in a little before me, complimented on how I looked. After she asked if it was my first time. She said, “Don’t worry both of our doctors are very good.”

Nurse Pam called me back and took my vitals. I guess my blood pressure was high, but she said it was nothing to worry about. “Patients are most likely to be worry on their first visit.” She smiled, “I know the doctor thinks you are in a good place with her.”

I chuckled that she should retake my blood pressure now. She left and Dr. Miles was soon in her office to meet me. I was glad when she sat on the front of her desk instead of behind it. She would move to a chair where we would face one another.

“You are welcome to call me Dr. Hanna or just Hanna if it makes you more comfortable.”

I said, “If you’re agreeable I’ll call you Dr. Hanna for now.”

She asked, “My information has it that you are Nicolaus Miller and that during the long weekend you came out as Nicole and stayed las you are. You present quite well for someone who has become evident just this past week. Would you please explain yourself to me.”

I went from the bet to changing into the swimsuit Teri had brought for me. She did interrupt to ask about being Nicolaus and I told her I was comfortable as him yesterday at school and still saw myself as Nick.

She said, “What interested me with Dr. Bradley’s request; was she said you kissed some boys and even have a nice looking friendship ring from one?”

“I didn’t ask for it, but yes I accepted it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

She asked, “Did he want you to go further, and if he did, did you?”

“I didn’t wait to see. I told him I was not ready. He already knew I was transgender and I don’t think he’s gay.”

She asked, “So you already think you’re transgender?”

I said, “I’m not sure, but saying I am let me go to school as Nicole.”

We talked, and Dr. Hanna got me to understand the questions were more complicated than I was making them out to be.

She mentioned a blood test Dr. Bradley had taken showed that my testosterone was lower but not decisive enough to biologically say I should lean toward being transgender. I do want you to take a couple of personality tests you are likely not to have taken before. I will ask you to come back next week to take those. Then I want you to meet with me in three weeks when those results are likely to be back and I had an opportunity to analyze them.”

Would you mind if I had your mother come back and the three of us could talk together? It is your choice, but I think it is wise to have her on your team. You could also say yes, but tell me things you don’t want her to know. I told you at the beginning that would be an option… I wouldn’t even hint at those things with her.”

I took some water and time to think. I didn’t want my mother to know I slept with Teri. We agreed on that and I was happy that my mother knew most that we shared.

I checked my school schedule and Mom was off on Mondays. I could easily miss the last class this Monday. My schedule to take the tests was decided.

The session was long enough to not allow my Mom meaningful time to go back to work, but we’d be home too late to fix a dinner. Mom chose a restaurant we knew in the city of her hospital to eat.

We had gotten a waitress who was familiar with my mother. Marci and I knew mom always shared about her children: two daughters and a son. When Janet came over and looked quizzical, I said, “I’m Nicole, the one usually identified as Nick. I may or may not become a daughter.”

I was afraid Janet was going to drop the menus or cry, but she got her composure and asked for drink orders. Mom said she would recover and that I had done well in handling the moment.

When Janet returned, she said, “I was going to compliment the three of you on how nice you look. So let me say now, that you three do look nice and make a nice looking family. I suspect Lana is busy back in college.”

We each ordered and I want to lose weight ordered a chef’s salad with roasted chicken slices and fat-free dressing. Mom was noticeably tired but took interest in our days at school and college.

I voice my thought on going to school tomorrow as Nicole in my long skirt. And Monday as Nick so I could go to Dr. Miles’ office as a boy. Mom reminded me I would be taking tests and not likely see Dr. Miles. I suspected she would hear of how I came as Nick anyway.

Tonight, I had to learn and remove my makeup on my own. Marci was doing school work, so it was mom who was teaching and watching over me. I didn’t know where a new pair of teddy bear pajamas or a new robe came from, but I did wear them.

I went out to the living room to see the evening news with mom. She didn’t have to work tomorrow, so she was up. She was amused when I showed her my page on Margo the bird-loving environmentalist.

She knowingly asked how Mr. Barstow took to me. She also asked if I chose wild birdlife because it might be seen as more accepting of women.

“No, Mom, you already knew I was leaning that way. I love the little guys, flowers, and seeds as well as birds. Margo or Nicole will be able to able to handle eagles, hawks as well as owls as well as the little creatures.” Mom giggled in response. Marci came down asking what was funny.

Mom and Marci agreed with me that Mr. Barstow was likely to come around. They said sooner than later, which made me happy to hear.

We all agreed it was a good day. Mom who works in pediatrics always has a mixed day of children doing well and not so well. Thankfully, no one was immediately dying from what we, Marci and I, could tell.

My bedroom was still Nick’s, so Marci pushed me into Lana’s room as we went upstairs. “You should be sleeping here until we can girlify your bedroom a little more.”

I did need to go to retrieve a pillow and a stuffed animal.

The next day, wearing my long skirt and the poet blouse received nice acceptance from most people. I was called to the office and reminded there were two unisex restrooms. One was on the first floor near the cafeteria and next to a girls’ restroom. The other was on the second floor near the counselor’s office and next to a boys’ restroom.

One problem was one of the two was often left in a mess. That happened today when I sought to use the one near the cafeteria. There was no way I was using it, but I had to pee badly. As soon as I emerged out in the hallway in frustration, Debbie Moore took a hold of me and pulled me behind her into the girls’ room.

Even then I was waiting with Debbie and two other girls. I did relax and made it into a stall and made it through everything a girl needs to be able to sit and pee. Including cleaning up, and checking my face and hair. It was fifteen minutes later. Part of the time was talking to other girls.

Sitting down to eat I heard a text register on my phone. I would usually not answer, but it was Jack Sommers. We had been playing phone tag. “Please text or call at 4:30.”

Amelia asked out loud, “Who is Jack Sommers?” Teri’s eyes perked up but she knew better than continue it at that point.

I answered Amelia, “Let me tell you later.” I did see Amelia later for Trig/Calculus. It was easy to see why she was taking senior classes and some advanced placement like this one.

I showed her my friendship ring which was in my purse. She giggled that Talia a close friend might be offended by the ring. Amelia said, “I’d be offended too, especially when you’re saying you’re taking things slowly. I don’t know what your definition of slowly is?” She giggled.

We parted as we each had one more class. Mr. Barstow greeted me, “What if our lab class went outside checking a field or creek today? This is a lab class.”

“I thought about that but they’re not usually the first week. I hope I’m right, or I’ll lose something if I’m not.”

He said, “I’ve always liked you, but my thoughts are still out on this change. I hope it is right for you.”

His synopsis of the class was long on possibilities as it would run both semesters. I and Marty thought it was a lot to expect in our senior year.

I was home talking to my Mom when my phone started its tune. “Hi Jack,” I turned and walked away from Mom. I was used to that with my sisters, but this was new for me to want privacy. I heard a kiss and knew he wanted one back. It sounded odd coming from me to a boy. “Jack, I wish you were here.”

He said, “I could be there in an hour or so, but I thought you’d have a football game to go to.”

“I guess I do have a football game. But no, I’m not ready to have you over for a night.” We got into a conversation and it was like we were becoming closer as friends. He had sent me a copy of his schedule, including study groups. I was to do the same.

He asked if I was in girl mode or just talking as Nicole for him… I heard a girl behind him and he discounted her as a girl on their floor. She giggled back, “Don’t believe him, I’m the other girl in his life.” She must have attacked him because we soon lost our connection.

He called right back, but now said, they were going to the cafeteria early so they could go out later.

I was quickly finding out long-distance relationship had its drawbacks. When I talked with Marci, she agreed. “You might not like to hear this, but it might help you to take things slowly. Just think of all the changes in one week…

Story to be continued…

Jack said, “I could be there in an hour or so, but I thought you’d have a football game to go to.”

I heard a girl behind him and he discounted her as a girl on their floor. She giggled back, “Don’t believe him…"
I said, "Don't come right now, I'll get back to you."

I quickly found out that long-distance relationships had their drawbacks. When I talked with Marci, she agreed. “You might not like to hear this, but it might help you to take things slowly…

Talia texted me, “Are you going with us as one of the girls to the football game and after?”

I asked my Mom what I should do. “You’re a big girl figure it out and let me know what you decide.”

I text Talia, “I’ll go but I’m unsure what to wear. If it’s as Nick, I need to shower, and change?”

She texts back, “You need to shower but do not change to Nick. I have a spirit blouse I’ll bring over when I pick you up. Wear a skirt with one of our colors. I have something for your hair as well. I’ll pick you up before 7:00 be ready.”

The game was good, but as expected we didn’t win. Our group spent more time talking girl talk: boys, fashion, music, and what everyone was wearing. I wore flats but others said I needed cross-trainers, walking shoes, etc. Some also made suggestions on my makeup and more. I got water and someone suggested as Nicole I needed to lose weight.

I wasn’t sure how it came up, but on our way home; Talia said, “You know Nicole I like you both as you and Nick?”

Not understanding, I said, “I thought Teri and the others liked me.”

Talia said, “I saw your boyfriend give you that ring and you kissed him. I wanted you to know I like you that much maybe more. I want to give you space to find yourself, but I also want you to know how I feel about you.”

Not knowing how to respond, I joked, “Should I scoot over and distract you from driving.”

Talia pulls over next to a park. “I’m not ready for others to see us here kissing or making out, but I’m serious. I’m trying to help you find yourself. That means not getting all hot like I might want. But I’d like to know if you care about me as I do you?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure as Nick or Nicole. Things, as you suggest need time.” I did squeeze her hand, which moved to a hug and a kiss before we moved to sit up again. I was thankful to be at home. I felt something in being with Talia, but I was uncomfortable in naming it.

When I was in the house Marci asked how the game went.

I said, “It was the usual, we lost. But Talia gave me a ride home and we kissed. She wanted me to know she cared for me as much as Jack… We’re good friends, but…”

Marci looked pleased, “You’ve been close friends for a long time. I suspect she thought you should know how she felt about you?” She paused, before asking, “You were uncomfortable but I gather you liked being kissed. So, was it mutual?”

I didn’t answer directly, but said, “I’m not used to all these feelings…” Marci was silent, waiting for more. “Yes, we kissed. Thankfully it didn’t last any longer than it did. I didn't want it to go further, yet I didn’t… Ah, you wouldn’t understand, I know I didn’t.”

I had noticed that our Mom had entered the room. She said, “I’m guessing your sister does understand. A little more experience in being you, I think you will too.”

The moment went quiet as the three of us hugged. Moments like this didn't happen for Nick, just Nicole.

I was up at a reasonable time and was still in my pajamas and robe, wondering how I wanted to present myself. I planned on cutting the lawn but knew I could do it as Nicole or Nick.

Mom told me, “Go put something simple on we need to get you some more things.”

I matter-of-factly said, “Like what?”

“Well, Marci suggested we get some things so you have a feel for your room. Right now it seems all Nick, but you're not. You could also use some more clothes. A couple of pairs of jeans, panties, and such. If you are quick and do not overthink things; I think you will enjoy it.”

“I agree Mom.” I sprightly step away, excited to be doing it. ‘No, I’m not sure about being Nicole, but I’m enjoying it for the moment. I’ll probably look back and wonder as Nick why this happened.’

I took a quick shower. put on fresh panties and did everything simple. Looking in the mirror, as I picked up my purse and walked by a mirror, Nicole was all girl.

We were looking at bedding and Mom said, “I know you’re conscious that it needs to be nice for Nick. However, it’s okay to look for something you like.”

We looked and I was getting two sets of towels, washcloths, and a nice set of sheets and pillowcases. But, when I came to the comforter I blew off worrying about Nick. I walked away from the comforter that was calling me three times. It had butterflies on most of the spread and a fluffy collection of peach-pink ruffles at the foot of the comforter. I finally looked at my Mom. “Do you think, I’m crazy choosing this one?”

Mom was calm and said, “I think you’re happy with it and I agree it’s beautiful. You should be getting it.” I agreed and I found myself giggly.

My Mom asked the salesperson, “I have a picture of my daughter and her friends at the beach. Can you put that on fabric she might hang in her bedroom?”

The saleswoman smiled, “Beth, you know we do. I can’t believe how wonderful this daughter looks.” The picture one on the fabric was to be stretched and wrapped around the frame standing free as a picture. Mom and I knew if anyone was in my room it would be my girlfriends.

My closest buddies Pete and Mark hardly ever came over, it was usually me going to their places or a game place around the community.

Once we were shopping for clothes, I found myself very interested. I didn’t expect I’d like to try on girls’ jeans or leggings, but Mom insisted I try a few pairs. Between one pair of designer jeans fitting like gloves, and my legs and bottom looking like I was poured into a pair of leggings, I found my opinions changing fast. The leggings were purplish red, something as a boy I’d never wear. Now as Nicole, it gave me a new look with a growing number of options.

I also got an outfit and dress slacks that Mom said would be for church. The idea of going to church as Nicole caused some fear and nausea to rise in my throat. I could taste something bitter sour my stomach and burn my throat.

Nick had a strong faith and what he was doing felt like a conflict. His mother whispered, “In Christ, they’re neither Greek nor Jew, male or female.”

I looked at her, “Do you think that applies to me now?” She smiled, “I think God loves you unconditionally. We know some might question you, but there are so many there that like you. I don’t think that is changing. It may help them to see others and not judge them so fast.”

The saleswoman with us, hearing that, said, “Oh my, you are her. You’re very attractive. It’s nice to serve you.” I thanked her as I was very happy to hear another favorable reaction.

She showed us a skirt blouse combination similar to one on a mannequin.

The woman whispered something to my mother; who nodded her head yes. I went to try on the new outfit and as I was changing my mother knocked. Checking what she wanted, I was handed a pair of cutlets. It was nice not to need socks.

The tan skirt and I noticed the darts of the blouse worked so well in giving me a figure. No, my figure was still very modest and maybe it was my thinking. When I went out to show my mother and get her approval she had a pair of red dress slacks for me to try on.

“You look very nice in that Nicole.” Another woman, a former neighbor was close by, “Yes, you’re very pretty Nicole.” I paused and recognized her.

I walked over to her and asked, “When you saw my mother here; did you stop to see if I would be the one coming out?”

She frowned, “I guess guilty as charged.”

She’s a young woman, who moved when she got married. She was attractive and very nice to me when I was a younger boy. I said, “Not guilty, I liked your kindness before. I’m not sure about being Nicki yet, I do like the compliment coming from you.”

We gave each other a hug saying hello. She lifted my hands saying, “I like your nails, but you have some chips and wear in these.”

She turns to my mother saying hello and then asks, “Do you two have time for lunch or just something to drink?”

Mom said, “If you have the time for her to try the slacks and buy more girls’ underwear?” Debra waited and visited with my mom. Once we got to the underwear I was selecting. She and Mom selected some for themselves. The bikini briefs that Debra selected caught my eye. She did point out a lacy pair of boy shorts that she said were cute and put them in her basket. I was given them in a small bag once she checked out.

Having lunch was fun as it was like three women a decade apart from each other. Deb showed pictures of her son and daughter now five and three. Mom showed pictures of Lana, Marci as well as Nick and me.

She said, “My Mom saw you earlier in the week Nick going to school. She said your hair looked like it did in one of the beach pictures, posted online.” She said, “I must confess when you were smaller and playing with your sisters and friends. I thought you could easily be another one of the girls… I didn’t mean that in a bad way, but you did whatever she wanted; like you were a sister?”

I said, “I knew it was impossible, and whenever I thought if I got angry with myself and made sure I proved to others I was indeed a boy.”

Mom was the one to interject, “I don’t see that now, but it does worry me about how you feel inside.”

“Mom, I’m okay. Trust me if when I’m not I’ll ask for your help.”

Mom says, “That’s Nick talking and he won’t talk to me when that happens.”

I said, “Then, I guess that has to change. Hopefully, you can admit even as Nick I’m talking to you more. But with that outfit being for church; it will be a while before I surface as Nick.”

I asked Debra, saying, “I saw a small girl two days in a row at your mom’s and what looked like Casey’s car. I was wondering if she moved back home?”

Debra said, “Can I trust you?” She knew she could, “Her husband Brad was sentenced to five years for theft. Hopefully, he’ll be out in two years, but they were possibly losing their house as well. I know she’d like to see you, Nicole. She identifies more with Lana but she likes Marci as well. She’ll feel a little awkward at first but move little Lana and she warms up quickly. And no, she won’t admit to naming her daughter after your sister.”

We’re back home and I’m hanging and putting away some clothes, but Mom tells me to put most of them into the laundry to be washed.

Mom and I are talking and Marci joins us before she is to get ready to go out. Marci asks if I’m going over to one of the girls’ houses. She said we’d always get together with someone.

Mom spoke up, “She’s not one of the girls.”

When Mom asked me how I liked wearing the cutlets, Marci’s eyes bugged out in disbelief. “She already has a pair of cutlets? Mom, I can't believe you already did that for her. I thought you were going to have her wait?”

Our Mom explained about meeting Debra Lang while I was trying on different clothes. It was Debra who mentioned to Mom that a pair of cutlets would be better. Marci interrupted, “So did you know what to do with them or did you have Mom, or worse, Debbie help you?”

I, in turn, spoke down to her, “No, little girl, I stretched them just enough to be a little clingy and put my bra on…” I changed my voice back, “It made a nice difference as I tried on the outfit I’m wearing tomorrow to church. If I go?”

Mom hurriedly speaks up, “What do you mean if you go?”

“It’s that each step is scary Mom. I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

My phone sounds off, and by the ring, I know it's Teri. Teri asks, “Are you Nicole today …Then why are you here? We always do something on Saturday night. We’re thinking either the movies or getting something to eat and gather at one of our houses.”

I remind her that’s their thing as girls. Teri fires back, “You’re one of us get her by 6:30, or let us know otherwise.”

Marci already knows what’s going on and is gloating; I ask Mom. She smiles, "Hurry and change and I’ll give you a ride. Please get a ride back.”

With much in the laundry, I choose to hide my parts and go with a pair of designer jeans and a sparkly pullover blouse. It is thinner and snugger than I thought. It makes for a cute outfit and I appear to be a very attractive girl.

I was going to change, but my mother insisted. “Let’s get going, you’re not some primadonna.” I was soon at Teri’s and she quickly giggled. “You’re going to be the prettiest girl at the movies, show-off.” Lacy and Sadie quickly agreed. I was happy to see my new friend Amelia has been invited. Truth is her brother Tony is nice looking and someone in the group is hoping to meet him through her.

Tonight there’s five of us girls and me; it isn’t until we’re on our way to the cinema that Teri mentions pairing up with guys. “Teri, I can’t do that.”

Teri says, “It's what we always do, you never worried about the girl’s feelings before.”

I said, “Mine was always comfortable with me. I don’t know about the others.”

Teri mentioned Lisa; she had it hot for one of the guys, but because of him she was with me. “Brad Toma says he’ll pair up with you.”

The guy is exceptionally smart and has just started going out. I consider myself safe with him. We’ve got our tickets and snacks and somehow got in the 7:25 showing instead of the 7:10 showing. “You know Nicole you are very attractive as a girl. I’m especially impressed with how nicely you’re dressed tonight.”

“Thanks, Brad, and thanks for treating me.” He gave me a peck on my cheek, saying, “You’re welcome.” He squeezed my hand and kept his hand over mine. We visited through the previews and I was surprised that we had more in common than I had thought. I liked how he was able to verbalize things much better than I regularly could. He even invited me to his house to explain things.

Being at the movie with him was enjoyable and I made a new friend.

I was amused Saturday night when I got ready for bed: taking off my makeup, moisturizing my skin, and putting up my hair came much too easy for a boy.

Sunday morning, I slept in until 7:30 which gave me two hours to eat breakfast and get ready for church. My outfit was already selected and that kind of dictated my use of makeup.

I was light with my makeup, and for some reason wearing a bra and being dressed as a girl, I was wondering how people would receive me and my family. The church, being in the downtown area, had limited parking and we needed to walk a block before getting to the church. People, seeing us, asked, “How are you Beth, it is nice to see you and the Miller girls.”

Mr. Hood was the first to acknowledge me as Nicole. He said, “You’re surprised me; I would never have thought of you like this.” I wasn’t sure if that was just a comment or veiled displeasure. But I said hello, and commented, “No more surprised than me, but as you see it's me.”

We didn’t get into a conversation. The church has grown and more of us don’t know everybody. We sat in a pew row with a young family. Abby and Bill introduced themselves and their three children. It was Marci who volunteered, to help them. “If you want Nicole and I could help by having one of them sit with her. Nicole’s especially good with young children.”

Abby said, “Nicole it would be a help, but I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

I looked at my sister and then back to Abby, “It is not a problem do you want us to have one or two with us?”

Bree, as she said, “I’m nine, but Mom thinks I’m still a little girl.” She had a child’s activity bag as many churches are now offering. There was a maze drawing that Bree and I did, to help the prodigal son get back to his father. It was different as the Father was able to go part of the distance making it easier for his son and him to find each other.

Come the end of church Bree says, “I’m not sure if Mom knows that you’re the girl in the pictures we saw. But I think you make a very good girl. When you come to church, it is okay if I come to sit with you?”

I was honest, “I’m not sure, usually I sit with some of my friends.”

She said, “Well you wouldn’t mind if Jane’s little sister is with her, would you?”

Church was letting out and I acted as if I didn’t hear the rest. Mom said, “That would be fine if Jane’s sister is there it would probably be okay. She’s still getting used to being one of the girls.”

Pastor Harken wasn’t usually at the door I was exiting from, but he happened to be there today. He said hello like normal and then said, “Our youth minister Robin wants you to know she’ll be looking for you tonight at youth fellowship.”

I wanted to tell him, ‘The seniors often begin to drop out of youth fellowship around now.’ But I didn’t and just mumbled that I heard him. I lightly giggled as I found it harder to mumble than Nicole. Whispering I had gotten better at. Jane and Teri found me in front of the churchyard. Jane asked, “Are you going bowling with us tonight? It’s the usual first night back activity.”

“Only if I come as Nick.” “No!” spoke up Teri and Robin gave an Amen to that. “You did well at church. We’re more your friends than anyone else.”

Robin said, “You know those at the shoe counter try to give you girls’ shoes anyway.” That was true, but I had forgotten it.

Mom had taken us out to a place where I usually ate steak. She acknowledged it was to placate me, but insisted I could only order a petite size steak. “You are doing well. Tomorrow, Tuesday, and after, you can be Nick as you want.”

After we were home, Teri called me, and she was glad to hear that I was still in ‘Nicole mode’. “Hey, with September remaining warm, we thought it would be a good time to go overnight to the beach. You going would make it four or five girls.”

“So if I go as Nicole it would be five and like Nick, it would be four?”

Teri said, “No, if you go, another girl will be going with us and there will be another group of four other girls also planning on going there. The football and soccer teams both play away. You’re invited as Nicole.”

I moan, “I’ll just be getting over my tan.”

I can hear a change in Teri’s voice as she says, “You need to get used to it. I have a sunroom, you should bring your swimsuit on Wednesday when we have an early out. The next Saturday/Sunday work to strengthen your tan.”

Monday was an ordinary day, with the lone addition of going to Dr. Hanna Niles to take two. The nurse came out asking, “Nicole.” She saw me and my mother in the waiting area. She paused, looked around, and then she said, “Seeing that Nicole’s not here, Nicolaus why don’t you come back as you’re scheduled next.”

One of the tests took about a half-hour and the second test took slightly over an hour. I was glad I took the OSRI test first, or I might have taken a second test. The girl I had seen the prior week was in the waiting area when I finally came out. She looked at me and gave me a puzzling look. Then as we were walking out, she said, “I know, you were that girl. Oh my!”

It wasn’t that bad as more and more people knew of my double identity. And their responses have run the gamut: some amusing with others upsetting, reflecting understanding or openness to being closed-minded and condemning me. I like those who were honest in their reflections or wanting to understand. I was even able to like those who had a difference but were open about it.

On the way home, Mom said, “I see Nick sitting next to me, but you seem to be Nicole.”

I said, “Does that come from our talking or did you see my searching for fashion on my smartphone?”

”Is that what you were doing? Was there anything you were looking at?”

I quickly became embarrassed, “I’d be embarrassed to tell you?”

My mother asked, “But is it something you’d like?”

“Mom it doesn’t make a difference.”

She said, “Honey, I know you’re able to do most of your shopping with your sisters or friends. But I overheard you talking to Lana and that you have talked to your friends. Just now I saw a glimpse of the delicate lingerie and bras you were looking at. Having been a teenager myself, I know the desire to buy those things and feel free to wear them.” She pauses, “Am I reasonably close to understanding your dilemma?”

I try to fight a smile, as I finally speak, “That’s part of it, but I’m worried about the tests I took today. What happens if there is no indication of my feminine side? People will laugh or worse think I’m sick in my thinking. …I didn’t think until I was near the last part of the second test that maybe I should have said things to indicate I was. I didn’t do it, but I’ve kicked myself for not doing that. …I even thought, dressed as myself, I was thinking more like a boy. I probably sabotaged my desires.”

We were pulling into the driveway and then the garage as we finished talking. Mom pulled me to her and we hugged. “Like, I said before, ‘We’ll need to take things one day at a time.’ Each test, experience, doctor visit, as well as each time you step out and grow as Nicole and even as Nick. It is like one part of a large tapestry coming together.”

I giggled, “I’ve heard you use that analogy of a tapestry before, and I often felt bad that as a boy I thought it was such a neat saying.”

I stayed as Nick and forced myself to dress as Nick to school on Tuesday. I left at the end of the school day and apologized to Talia for pulling out a tube of her lipstick. I even purred a little as I put it on once we were first sitting in her car.

Two blocks away from the school, I knew she wasn’t taking me directly home. Another turn and I knew it was the route she used to go home. “I want you to relax at my place. Do you have more makeup with you?”

To Be Continued...

Each test, experience, doctor visit, as well as each time one steps out and grows as Nicole, even as Nick. It is like one part of a large tapestry coming together.”

I giggled at Mom, “I’ve heard you use that analogy of a tapestry before, and I often felt bad that as a boy I thought it was such a neat saying.”

I stayed as Nick and forced myself to dress as Nick to school on Tuesday. I left at the end of the school day and apologized for pulling out a tube of lipstick. I even purred a little as I put it on once we were first sitting in her car.

Two blocks away from the school, I knew Talia wasn’t taking me directly home. Another turn and I knew it was the route she used to go home. “I want you to relax at my place. Do you have more makeup with you…”

I came home from Talia’s dressed as Nicole, despite having gone to school in Nick mode. Mom was mildly upset even after Talia and I admitted her help began after I was dressed in a bra, panty, and pantyhose. My mom said that was still too skimpy, she suspected that I completely changed in Talia’s presence. The truth was I took my underpants off and put on the panty Talia and her sister provided before I came out of their bathroom. But I had joked letting my mother think whatever she wanted.

Upset, I told my mother, “You shouldn’t get upset, it’s not like girls don’t change in the presence of other girls. Girls shower and change in locker rooms don’t they?”

Mom says, “You’re not one of the girls yet and knowledge of things like this could backfire and stop you from getting accepted by the school and others as a girl. If word of things like this get out, you could be hurting your reputation as well as Talia’s.”

Talia said, “I’m sorry, but it was like I told you, he/she was changed into the bra and panty with a panty-liner before we began to help Nicole get dressed. We gave her a makeup lesson and looked at hairstyles together before we brought Nicole home. …I’m sorry but I felt bad for Nick, I would tell it had been a long two days.”

Marcia giggled, “Was two days too long Nicole? Nick was a boy for nearly seventeen years.”

I spoke up, “Marcia, I’m right here and yes it was a long two days. There was teasing. A bit like you’re doing now. I’m sorry if my getting into this girl thing a bit is too fast for you. I’m torn between two school schedules, being Nick and Nicole. I as Nicole, don’t like being flat-chested but because I’m also Nick, I put up with it. …Talia didn’t do it for her but me. She too has been hassled about liking a girly-boy. It would be easier for her if I was Nick 24/7.”

Marcia turned to Talia, “Is that true.” It was now Talia who was ready to cry; a moment later and she did.

Through her sniffles, she said, “I like Nicole, but yes, it would be a lot easier if she was Nick all the time. I feel guilty that I caused part of this, even though Nicole says she was already here.”

“She liked pretending, but that’s all I thought it ever was,” Marcia said and went on to explain.

Mom took me off alone. She said, “I heard back from Dr. Miles. She said she got the test results back and if possible we should get together Friday. Her afternoon was blocked out so she could leave early. She would prefer seeing us at 12:30 instead of next week.”

“Mom, what did she say the results indicated that cause her to want to see us sooner?”

Mom said, “She didn’t say. She said it wasn’t an emergency or anything to be upset about. She wouldn’t say more. She said, she owed to say it first to you. She called twice since school let out and finally decided to ask me to share her suggestion about getting together Friday.”

Mom agreed with me that if it indicated I was all boy, it would not likely be an issue worth mentioning. Hugging me, she said, “Honey, I can’t imagine what this time of change and waiting must be like. I am well impressed with you and your friends Talia and Teri. Boy or girl, you couldn’t have better friends.”

I asked, “Mom can I share a dilemma I have?” She nodded yes, so I dared to open up. “I have strong feelings for both Teri and Talia and I don’t know how to tell them. What should I do?”

Mom asked, “Do you like them both as Nick and Nicole?”

“Teri’s my best friend as Nick, but my warm feelings for both of them is more like Nicole. But I also like guys as Nicole.”

Mom acknowledged she didn’t know what to say, other than I take my time. “Nicole, I am not comfortable with you changing in the presence of your friends. Getting directions on how to wear something shouldn’t require you dressing in front of them; makeup, hair, and jewelry are different.”

I mentioned, “Mom not all bracelets easily fit around my wrists?”

She said, “I know a crossdresser and a trans person who found out the same thing about bracelets and possibly necklaces. We may need to purchase some fine jewelry that has two to three extra sections. Fine jewelry costs more, you’ll need to take better care of those pieces.”

Marci started to complain, and Mom spoke up, “Marci you have nothing to whine about. You have many nice pieces of jewelry and much more in the way of the bling, beads, and sparkle.” I stuck my tongue at Marci and Mom swiftly remarked that was unladylike. It might not be, but I can attest to that my sisters have done it quite often.

Wednesday and Thursday were uneventful. I did go to school as Nicole and while I was teased a little that was now falling in the category of normal.

Friday, I was going to go to school as Nick, but I had not told my mom. She woke me at 6:15 saying I needed to get up. She reminded me it took longer getting ready as a girl.

“Mom this was going to be a Nick day. I thought Dr. Miles should know I take this side seriously too.”

“Well, then we need the time to take off those breast forms,” I told mom to never mind and I got up, showered, and dressed as Nicole. Mom had gone to work but was at school before noon to take me to my appointment.

Dr. Hanna had a new receptionist, Holly, who greeted me so warmly that I asked, “Do you mind that I’m supposed to be a boy.”

Holly said, “You make a very attractive girl, but I suspect the other part of you can be special too. I hope you like seeing Dr. Miles?” I wanted to talk with her longer, but mom said we should be seated and wait.

Before I went to my seat, I said, “Yes, she’s very smart. I don’t understand how she knows what to say when.”

The nurse came out to get me, and she had me get on a scale to weigh me. I said, “I don’t understand why someone coming to see a psychiatrist has to be weighed each time.”

The nurse said, “Dr. Miles likes to know these small things to see if your life is changing. Like the fact that you have lost 2.1 pounds since you first saw her.”

I said, “It’s my diet and doing aerobics mostly. I want to lose some weight, especially around my waist.” She cautioned me to be healthy about doing it.

One of Dr. Miles' questions was around my losing the weight and trying to trim my waist. “What do you as Nicolaus think of you losing weight to be Nicole?”

I said, “Pete hasn’t said anything, and Talia, Teri, and the other girls accept me as either Nick or Nicole.”

She asks, “How do you feel about being Nick and how do you feel about being Nicole?”

I said, “You wanted to see me because the test scores came back. They’re what I’m interested in talking about?” Dr. Miles laughed at my inserting myself and looked to my mother.

Mom agreed, “I guess, we’re both interested, thinking that is why we came.”

“Well,” Dr. Hanna said, “Yes, the results are back and they show a strong leaning to your mindset being female. And the blood results show a lower testosterone level than normal and elevated estrogen levels. Neither in themselves are conclusive in themselves. Some men are living happily with similar levels. Though most others do not have all the indicators that you do.”

Dr. Miles comes around her desk and leans back against it. I like how she’s dress and find myself wondering how she dresses when she’s not working. I think she would be more attractive if not dressed professionally. I find myself guessing what colors she would wear.

“Is it okay to talk to you as Nicole today?” I agree and she continues, “You have spent the most of seventeen years, happily being a boy and that needs to be strongly considered. And yet the last few weeks shows a strong identity as Nicole. And with the other indications, we need to consider if adolescence and puberty are settling in and indicating a change and the emergence of Nicole.”

Mom and I look back and forth at each other and then to Dr. Miles. Almost in unison, we say, “And so?”

Dr. Miles said, “One possibility in going forward would be for Nicole to go to school as a girl for the remaining half of this year to see how she does. She could dress as Nicolaus on weekends and school breaks. Another possibility would be to do it the other way around as Nick. The third choice which I don’t recommend would continue to do as we’re doing now. I think some consistency is needed to figure out how you are doing with the emergence of Nicole’s identity.”

I turn to Mom saying, “I favor the first option.” Mom spoke up, “I agree, though you can talk with me before you make a final decision if you prefer.”

“The one problem that I see is it would require more clothes and accessories. But it should be easier for the school and others to accept me. I do wonder if I could dress as Nick once a month to school to let people know I have continue to have two identities.”

Mom and Dr. Miles agree I could do that. Dr. Miles says and mom agreed, “It sounds like you have been thinking through this quite a lot?” I nod in agreement.

I ask, “Could I receive a low dose testosterone blocker, to make sure my body doesn’t change more toward being male? My searches say it wouldn’t be a problem if we do it for three to four months.”

Dr. Miles says, “I was going to suggest that as a possibility if your mom doesn’t mind.” Mom agreed it was acceptable. Dr. Miles says, “If you are open to it I can give you a shot now and I can give you a prescription so you can take it regularly. We could wait until the next appointment if you would prefer.”

I don’t like needles but this didn’t hurt.

We were soon riding home and I went to text Teri and Talia. Mom asked me to first text Lana, which I did. “Lana, I’m going to be your sister more of the time I hope you don’t mind.” We had about ten minutes until we were home. I decided to wait and tell Marcia personally. But I got a call, Lana wanted to talk instead of text.

I had to go through most of the appointment as Lana questioned more deeply everything I said. “If you want to stay Nicole some time you should come on a Friday and stay as my little sister with me.” She reminded me that she had a suite and we would share the shower only with Megan. There were three others but they shared a bathtub as well as a shower and double sink.

I could tell Mom was amused hearing half the conversation, she could faintly hear Lana.

We were greeted by Marcia and she already had made a large salad for dinner. She didn’t seem surprised about my news but she was happy for me. She turned to Mom, “Are you going to let me take her shopping so she has enough clothes?”

Mom insisted, “You and I need to be in agreement about a limit. We can get some fall clothes and even start her winter wardrobe. But I won’t have you getting carried away. My budget just won’t allow for that one. And Nicole, you are already more expensive than Nick.”

I joked, “Shouldn’t you blame him for the two sides of us?”

It is after dinner and my washing the dinner plates that I text to both Talia and Teri about staying as Nicole for school. I told them about the testosterone blocker and that was just between us.

Talia texts, “That’s good news as Warren Hotch is interested in taking you out if you decided to remain as Nicole. Are you interested?”

I text back, “What about you and me?”

“I’m interested, but Bill Braddley has asked me out. I was surprised and you know I’ve always had feelings for him. So if you’re interested in Warren, I’d consider going out with Billy.”

Warren’s a senior and a tight end though he isn’t terribly big. Talia says he’s very strong for his size. I thought he was a good looking guy, maybe now it’s okay to say he’s handsome. Like a lot of responses, I’m cautious and say, “Let me think on it.”

Teri text me, “Marci has asked me if I want to go shopping with you and her at four tomorrow? I’d like to but thought we needed to talk first.”

“I’ll talk to my sister. Yes, I’d be glad if you came, but Marci doesn’t make my decisions for me. I guess that’s a difference from being Nick.”

I said, “Why don’t we go to my house after school. You know part of what I have, you could help me think about filling the gaps in my wardrobe.”

Teri says, “I hope it includes a new pair of ankle boots, you could use them especially when we’re wearing heels or boots. A pair of hipster jeans, and even a mini-skirt or two. Make sure you wear your cutlets. I sure hope the testosterone blocker will allow some more boob growth.”

I said, “I don’t want boobs if I change my mind and go back to being a guy.”

Teri interrupted, “You and I googled the same information. If it is just for a short time it shouldn’t be permanent.”

I begin to giggle as I say it, “But ‘shouldn’t’, doesn’t mean for sure. Can you see me as Nick with ‘B’ cup breasts?” I say “Oops” and Teri asked if I wet my panty. “How did you know?”

Teri giggles, “You don’t know everything girly, you weren’t expecting to lose control of yourself.”

The subject quickly changed as she asked about our math homework. I ask questions about our reading assignments and reports. I’m a good student, but poor in proofreading my reports. She says, “You know you’re better in comprehension now? I think Nicole relaxes better and remembers what she’s read.”

Teri and I are soon at my house. Teri’s going through my limited wardrobe. And I’m off to the shower and relax being me. Marci has brought up new sheets and a comforter from the washer and dryer. They are off pink sheets and a more girly comforter. Marci reminds me, “After your shower, you should let Mom know if you appreciate them.”

I now take my time in the shower, imagining more and more my time as a girl. Felling breasts larger and more alive than they are. I’m enjoying the luxurious feeling of my hair and skin as I take better care of things. They are not yet where I’d like but that growth is real. I’m out of the shower patting my skin until I can allow it to air dry the remainder of the way.

Part of the joy in being a sister is Marci doesn’t mind seeing me as Nicole. Teri even enjoys our interaction as sisters. Teri and I talk about what I need in the way of clothes. My time is well spent with Teri. Once she giggled and I asked what about. Teri said, “I use to think of you as another girl. The glow of your complexion and you trimming your waist now add to it.” We hugged and giggled.

Teri and Talia have both chided me not to look sneakily at my sisters when they’re changing or showering like Nick might be tempted. If I looked it would no longer be as Nicolaus, but Nicole wanting to get a glimpse of her beauty. I yearn more and more to be like her and Lana. No, I wouldn’t sneak a look, it did happen naturally at Marica initiative. She had called me to her room after her shower one evening and dropped her towel revealing herself in all her glory, before quickly pulling over a nightshirt.

I did lay down the law with my sister; neither she or Lana were to be making decisions with my friends that was up to me. I, like she and Lana, was determined to have my own look as far as fashion. Yes, I wanted and needed their help as well as from my friends. I was becoming Nicole, and how I did so wasn’t their decision.

The day out shopping with Marci, Talia and Teri went well. I liked adding a pair of jeans that hugged me, and a pair of dress slacks to the other things I bought. We sent pictures back to my mom. I was surprised when she encouraged me to buy a knit dress for just the fall season. Teri had pointed out one that I like.

Come the following Tuesday morning, my mother held me out of school; come ten o’clock she took me to a medical place that often worked with women following various surgeries or medical problems. “They also work with people like yourself. They can fit you properly not only with breast forms appropriate to your size and age. You’ll be fitted as we discussed with vagina gaffs. We’ll purchase an extra for the purpose of cleaning them and in keeping with good hygiene.” My was stressing good hygiene.

I thought the person helping us would have been surprised with my cooperation. She was very nice as well as professional. The breast forms we bought were able to absorb body heat and in time feel warm as well as soft.

What wasn’t fun, with school time I missed I had to work and study harder. I had two reports due because I had various doctor appointments. I needed to satisfy more requirements instead of them being forgiven. One seemed to be purely because the school had to make decisions on my status.

I know a number of things in presenting myself as a female are a mixture of cosmetic, and more serious reasons. The size of breasts was just one of those. Mom insisted my breast size was to be similar to Marci’s at my age. Lana has always been bigger than Marcia, which became her own blessing and curse.

Having a gaff didn’t force me to sit like other women to pee, that came automatically as Nicole. But it allowed me to automatically respond as a female in going pee. There was no need to control or fold back my penis. That it helped to flatten my front and hide my boy parts was helpful.

A quick change of clothes and refreshing my appearance I was back to school to eat and start my afternoon classes. Teri, Sadie, and Talia were happy to have me back in school. Sadie yelped about my coming to school as Nicole, “Great girl!” It caused others to turn and look. I am not sure how many knew about me by the end of school the day. We each probably shared with someone who wasn’t supposed to tell. But there were plenty more who knew by the end of classes.

Madi, Warren Hotch’s sister, asked me as I left school, is it true that you’re going to be staying as Nicole?”

I told her ‘yes’; without explaining the weekend option. Teri was the first to tell me it probably would make a difference with others as well. I told the three of them, “I wished Madi hadn’t asked. I’m not wanting to know about another boy liking me.”

Teri asked, “Does that mean, you’re not at all interested in Warren or other boys? You know there’s a dance coming up for homecoming weekend. And even when we do things as a group, we often split up in pairs.”

I rushed to say, “We don’t always split up boy and girl.”

It was a few days later that I got a call from Warren, asking if we could meet and just talk. We decided on Sunday afternoon when it was a beautiful fall day. We went out to a beautiful county park with a number of walking trails.

I was nervous and I guess is showed. I liked the fact that Warren asked if he could hold my hand. We had walked to where two trails met and we decided to walk the other trail back to where we had started. It was lucky enough that I wore a vest under my light jacket. But wearing a skirt, which looked sharp, was not the best idea for staying warm. It did provide an excuse for him to put an arm around my waist.

We were almost back to his car; when he asked, “How did you do it, the tone of your waist feels as nice or better than the other girls I’ve dated?”

I know it was meant as a compliment. It also meant he was seeing me as a girl who should feel like a boy. He was ready to apologize when I put a finger over his lips. I said, “Thanks for being sensitive, but we can’t worry about everything we say or how the other is going to react. I know for me today has been nice. If I’m not being too forward? Yes, I’d like to go out again with you?”

Warren lit up, “Would you be open to being my date for the homecoming dance that Saturday? I’d like if you’re willing to help some other girls with our homecoming float.”

I quickly thought, ‘That would mean working with Brenda Green, Tiffany, and other senior girls.’ I wasn’t sure how well that would work for me, until Warren said, “Julia and Haylie already said they’d be there for you.”

Julia and Haylie, were girls I admired and neither was going to be run over by the others. I asked, “Would it be possible to hear that from one of them?”

We had gone to a pizza place that was often frequented by others our age. Warren smiled, “Julie’s a cousin, I’m sure she’d be willing to come over tomorrow if that would be soon enough.”

I joked, “You mean she would drop everything just to help me?” Warren was half believing me until I told him otherwise. He looked passed me and I knew someone else was there. “Please, don’t tell me it is one of them?”

Someone touched me with a perfume wand. I said, “It is heavier than you usually use.” It was Haylie’s voice, “Less is more, but it was to let you know we’re here. Have your sisters told you that yet that less is more?” Julia and Haylie are there.

Julia says, “Haylie and I are sort of sisters. We’ll be glad to be there for you. One thing don’t mess Warren up.”

I quickly spoke up, “It’s just homecoming and I’m willing to do what he wants but I haven’t committed anything beyond that.”

“Now it’s your turn to relax. Hi, I’m Julia and we’d be happy to be there if you take part. It will be a good girl experience for you. Instead of Warren’s tomorrow can you come home with us today?”

Warren said good-bye and I find myself walking to the girl car. I’m staring wondering why, though the thought excites me no end. Julia says, “I don’t want you just showing up in anything, especially what a boy might think is appropriate.”

Julia and Warren live in a better part of the community and while Haylie isn’t from a rich family she is highly thought of. Word is Haylie has applied to Stanford and two Ivy league schools though she’s a free spirit. The truth is I don’t know how prestigious those school are. Haylie and Julia both seem down to earth to me.

I text my Mom and it is set I can go to Julia’s. “Please, don’t take advantage of them if they try to help you.”

Julia had driven her 2016 Mustang GT today, which wasn’t comfortable for me in the3 back seat. Once there Haylie helped to pry me out of the backseat. Mrs. Stonecroft welcomes us but wanted to talk to her daughter.

Julia came back, saying things were okay. “My mom just wanted Haylie and me to understand that helping you doesn’t get us out of our workout for basketball… Haylie, she mentioned you have a painting you’re working on.”

I said, “I thought it was to be easier if your family has money?”

Julia smiled, “My Mom heard that too. She told me she wasn’t raising any spoiled brat! But relax Mom wants us to have fun.”

Haylie went to work on her painting and Julia took me to her sister Sarah’s room. “Needless to say unless we wanted a smock my body is too long for you to wear my clothes. Would you mind wearing a cut-off jumper she doesn’t wear?”

Sarah says, “Go to it, I wouldn’t wear that pair even to please Grandma.”

They look great to me and with a blue top, they throw to me. I put them on and I’m wondering what the problem is. Sarah calls, “Mom, you should see this we found some who looks goo in these bib cut-offs!”

Their Mom looks in and smiles, “Yes, things fit like they were made for her.” I can tell Mrs. Stonecroft is looking where my legs meet. I’m tempted to say, ‘Yes, biologically, I am still a boy.’ It did make me feel good if that was what she was thinking.

I knew I was entering a life that never would have opened to Nicolaus…

To be Continued…

Friday night was the first football game I went to cheer not only for our team but a particular boy. I knew the basics of the game but had not been particularly interested in them until the last quarter of play. Tonight with Warren playing I took more interest. I cheered the two times he had already caught the ball and crunched my arms in a hug when he was hit and tackled.

I told myself that my actions were foolish. Haylie enquired, “Is this just you trying to act like you think you should?”

I felt a little offended but gave her the benefit of doubt, “No, I know in my head it doesn’t make a difference but I’m cheering for Warren and the team just the same.”

Julia strongly said, “You should chide him for jumping over the defenders, my Dad says he could really get hurt.”

“He made another ten yards,” I said. “It was needed for the first down. Neither you nor I will change him at this point. Besides I’d rather he play baseball he’s more likely to get a scholarship for that.”

Julia says, “And when were you watching him play baseball, pray tell?”

“I tried out for the freshmen team a year behind him.”

Julia persisted, “But he didn’t really blossom until last year. Because of how well the team played most wouldn’t have noticed.”

I shouldn’t have hesitated in responding but I did and then I stuttered, “I, I guess…” Warren was always a player’s player. Yes, I noticed him this past summer as he blossomed as a player and filling out as a guy.

Julia nudged me, “It’s okay that you like him he is quite attractive. I’d say that even if he wasn’t my cousin. Though, I have cursed that he is my cousin. I wished I could find another like him for me.”

Once the game was over the guys soon showered and changed, but they never worried about fully being together and would lift, hug and kiss their girlfriend. Warren was probably oblivious to the fact that I had a skirt on as he lifted me. And I couldn’t both hug him and hold down my skirt.

Warren had actually caught another pass that helped secure their victory. It was nice to be in the midst of people coming over to him, congratulating him on a great game.

Zach Humphries was the only one who felt the need to remark. He said, “This was a good game for having a new girlfriend.”

Julia caught up to us at another hangout. With a big smile on her face, she said, “You know, Nicole even noticed you before this as a baseball player. I wonder if she already knew, she liked you?”

Warren was enthusiastic, “Maybe not as you were implying, but yes we knew each other in baseball. I guess that made Nicole’s blossoming and the two of us happier.” He said, “She even rubbed off on you, her perfume is nicely noticeable, not overpowering. Though after a football game she might wish it was stronger.”

I gave him a hug, “I can tell you’re a football player, but you’re not grungy. I thank you for that.”

Talia and Teri with the game over and I tried introducing them but there was just too much going to notice them. Talia and Bill stayed around, longer than Teri. I was out until eleven and it was strange being walked up to my house by Warren. I’d be picked up around 8:30. He simply said, “Thanks, it was nice having you there.” He leaned down to give me a kiss and I simply bent my head back like I was used to him kissing me.

It wasn’t until I began to undress that I felt cold. I had taken off my makeup before stepping into the shower. The hot water passing over me felt glorious as my spirit began to soar. Once done I put on a pair of baby-doll pajamas and my light robe.

Mom had gone out to dinner with a few girlfriends and she too had showered and was ready for bed. She called me to her room. “I heard you singing a little, I take it means you had a good night.”

“Yes, Mom. It was okay getting the affection of a guy. I think it is something I could grow to get used to. …Getting up early on Saturday morning to help build his team’s float, now that was new. It wasn’t my thing but getting together to build the float and get to know a new group of girls should actually be good for me. But I’ll deny it in the morning and want to stay in bed. Let’s see which side of me will win?”

Mom says, “I’m betting on Nicole. That’s right, Nick could claim Saturday and sleep in.”

Come Saturday morning, I was up early, showered, and getting ready to be picked-up by Julia and her friends Haylie Burris. Mom was taken with the bibbed cut-off shorts, leggings, and women’s sweatshirt. We’re to be in a barn near the edge of town to begin working on the homecoming float.

Shortly after we were at the barn it became apparent why it was helpful to have Julia and Haylie there with me. Brenda Green approached me along with Tiffany and some other girls. With a soft voice, she said, “You’re welcome to be there for Warren if he likes that for now. But, you don’t actually fit in our group now do you? I hope you can realize that? You can leave any time you’re not comfortable.”

I paused and thought, ‘I can accept this as a conflict, or I can challenge her to be bigger.’ I knew something like this would come up, and hoped Tiffany might be there. “Hey, it’s not like all of you are completely straight. No, I’m neither straight nor a lesbian, but I should be welcome here. I’m in support not only of one player but of the team like you.”

I could sense Brenda’s not sure what to do. I think she was expecting a fight or for me to leave, not this. “Well, I’m the quarterback’s girl and I don’t remember you being suggested and we have enough helpers. So why don’t you just leave and no one will be offended.”

“Whose offended? I might not have been one of the first volunteers but I thought all the starters were to ask someone to help. Warren may not be the quarterback, but he’s an important teammate. He’s the one who asked me, and the one to suggest if I should leave. I hope you have room for me as you do your friend Tiffany.”

Brenda looks at Tiffany who bows her head, then looks back to me. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I guess it shows I was a little uncomfortable.” She went over to say something to Tiff and then everyone went back to work on the float.

Ms. Gray came over to me and asked if things were okay. She’s the cheerleaders’ coach and I have her for physics. She asked, “Do you have any suggestions for the float?”

I said, “Julie and Warrant both said there was to be a panther, but the float looks like just the usual football field and goalpost.”

She says, “No one's sure where to start so no one has started on it.”

Haylie spoke up, “Football might we the kick-off but there’s the dance, music, cheering and people coming back for reunions. The float and panther should take all that in.”

I ventured to say, “If I and someone could get into the woodshop to make legs, we could also design t bobbing neck to give the appearance for the panther being alive, that would be cool.”

Ms. Gray asks, “Could you do that in the woodshop if I gave you time from physics and the lab?” I agreed it should work if the instructor would allow me and my friend, Peter, to help me. She asked, “What if it were Warren who helped you?” I blushed but agreed that would be good too. Haylie said she could make a paper mâché head for the panther and a neck it would be attached to.

“What if the float had dancers and a guitarist as well…” Someone added we could put symbols of the other things along the skirt siding.” Today, the girls along with two guys were doing what we could. The field goal was painted and chicken wire went where tissues would be wired in. We stopped around twelve-thirty pleased with the start.

Ms. Gray came over to me before Haylie, Julia, and I could leave. “I want to thank you, girls. It might not seem big, but you were a big help. Even bigger, Nicole was you standing your ground, instead of polarizing the situation you made it an opportunity.

“Tiffany was one of those who benefitted from how you handled it.”

I smiled, “It was a big step for me too. It’s part of what affirms for me that I’m Nicole.” I looked at Ms. Gray and knew enough was said. I was thinking, it was good for Warren as well.

Haylie said she needed to get home to go with her sister to take a bunch of kids to an orchard/pumpkin patch for her niece's birthday. The kids we all-around four. I asked, would your sister mind two more girls to help watch the kids.

We were taken up on your offer. It had warmed up enough to be comfortable in my cut-offs. Having little boys and girls touching or hugging my legs took a little getting used to. There were places they could feed chickens, ducks, lambs, and goats; they played in an ocean of corn; jumped, ran and slide; listened to stories, saw pigs race and rode a small train around the field.

Haylie’s sister Susan was very grateful. The parents who picked up the kids were delighted as all of the children were happy. One of the moms recognized me and remarked that I had gotten in on such a girl moment.

Once home I was ready to rest, but Mom said we were going out. I got dressed to go out; nothing fancy. I became suspicious of something when Mom suggested I go back and put on some lipstick. Having done so I ran to answer the doorbell and found Warren waiting for me.

“I called your mother earlier saying it would be good for me to take you out before homecoming.” With that I invited him in, “I need to grab a purse and to discipline a sneaky Mom.

He and I went and ate some Chinese food and then to a movie. The Chinese food was good, the movie was only fair. I like action that I can follow but not scary action from nowhere. The one plus was Warren holding me. I didn’t anticipate liking boys, liking me but it was happening.

After I got home, I visited with Marcia. “Does this mean you’ll relax and take your time? You can date Talia as well as Warren and give yourself more time to grow as Nicole.”

Lana connected and the three of us were having a sister moment. She had been two days late on her period which was unusual for her. She told Marcia, her confidant that it had finally started. But she and Hock were probably breaking up.

She wants to take a business internship, come the new year which would take her to Boston. He wants her to take courses for a master’s degree. She feels he’s wanting to direct her life. Marcia says, “He’s trying to keep you for himself. This is what you wanted. I think you need to do it. Not only for you but to see how he handles things.”

“But what if he decides to look around to others?”

“Lana, you know the answer to that better than me.”

“But it already hurts just thinking about the possibility.”

I spoke, “It stinks having feelings. At least if I lose Talia I have Warren but what if I lost both?”

Talia spoke, “You have yourself, just like I do, sometimes that needs to be enough.” The was a pause, “Thanks squirt, you helped me to answer my own dilemma.”

Marcia began to give me a hug that Lana could see. “Our budding sister is beginning to understand there’ more than clothes and makeup.”

I said, “I knew that but it is different than I imagined.

I text Teri to see if she was still up. We visited with me telling her about going out with Warren. I felt her friendship was going to be more important than ever.

She confessed to having feelings for me as well as the others. We agreed as Nicole I needed to date, be friends, and learn who I am first.

I said, “It feels like I am being selfish.”

“You need time to become the butterfly that is emerging. If that’s selfish; it needs to be. I knew you were a girl before. Our crazy bet gave you the excuse to come out of your cocoon. I for one enjoy this new you.

To be continued…

We were able to use a design program for making the panther legs in proportion to the size of the life-size panther. From there I was able to transpose that onto some wood. Mr. Givafuss gave me a hard time at first but then pointed out the wood I should use. Peter helping me allowed us to cut out and sanded the legs in a short time. We used two class periods in school and another forty minutes after school was over.

Though Peter is smaller than Warren, I knew Peter served Warren notice that he needed to ‘treat me well or else.’ Talia and Teri confirmed the rumors, ‘that Brenda still was upset with me.’

We had finished working on the float the same time football practice was over. Brenda was in the last car at the barn. I was sent back to turn off a light that was still on. Locking up the barn, her car rode off without me.

Warren chided me for not coming with the rest of the girls until he heard what had happened. Fortunately, Haylie came back to give me a ride. I was the one who confronted Brenda when we finally got there. But I had to hold Haylie back from getting in a physical fight with Brenda. I knew who would be disciplined if she or I did.

When I pulled Haylie away, I heard Brenda say, “Haylie, you know you’re already tainted. All my Dad needs to do is fire your dad, better yet transfer him and you won’t even be graduating from here.”

With that, I gave Haylie a big push and then turned and slapped Brenda. Her boyfriend Zach and Warren were immediately pulling us apart. I stated Brenda’s threat of Haylie’s Dad’s job. I hoped doing so would make it impossible for Brenda’s dad to fire or transfer Haylie’s father.

Warren gave me a big hug and kiss; knowing that I was worried. He said, “Brenda is always making threats, we don’t listen much unless it really happens. …I know my father’s company has tried to hire Mr. Burris away from them before. He’s too valuable to them; they don’t want to try and replace him.”

I wanted Warren to drive me home, but it was his sister instead. “Warren didn’t shower, you don’t want to be in the car with those guys.” ‘Well, yes I did.’

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty ordinary with the exception of working on the homecoming float. I worked on it without Brenda on Tuesday and Brenda helped to finish it up on Wednesday and to be in the pictures for the local paper.

Early Wednesday evening, I went with Terri and Talia to the mall and then to another shopping center. It was getting colder and was forecasted to be in the forties at the start of the homecoming game on Friday. We found a deep gray cable knit tights and a mid-length miller plaid skirt. It had a matching sash to go over my white sweater.

While it was not a kilt which was way more expensive; it was good Scottish wool in the miller tartan plaid. I sent a picture to my mom and she quickly text back, “You know that Grandma Miller will be awfully proud of you. It may cause Marcia to finally breakdown and buy one or at least ask for one for Christmas.”

Talia had me home for dinner. Mom and Marcia both required that I model my new skirt and tights. Like mom thought, Marcia joked that I was forcing her to get the family plaid as well.

I had a three-page report to finish writing. While it wasn’t due until Friday, but I wanted it out of the way so I could enjoy the festivities without worry. I was about finished when I had the delightful intrusion of my sister.

“Nicole, I’m enjoying your change as Nicole, but I heard via the grapevine, that you’re getting some flack. I wanted to know how you are really doing?”

“Do you mean with Brenda Green or is it something I haven’t heard about?” I paused.

She said, “I guess Brenda’s the problem, but also good changes like doing better in your studies. You used to always put things off.”

I smiled, “The good change is I don’t find myself distracted. I would get distracted with girl thoughts. You wouldn’t believe how all the makeup, clothes and accessories commercials would bother me.

“Where Brenda’s concern, I feel guilty ‘cause I didn’t say things when it happened to others. Now I turn it back on her when I can and try to walk away when I can’t.”

“What I could use is your help to get a new look for Friday. But, if that’s okay give me fifteen minutes to finish my paper.”

Marcia showed me a look that would do well under the football lights. She’d give me a panther paw on my cheek on Friday morning. I know this is not very special except if you haven’t been able to do it before.

The day was spent with Teri and Julia and others in our grade. My only teasing was that I had to wiggle my charms and got a prize like Warren. It did seem surreal to go from liking girls to someone hot like him.

Thursday after school, I went to the salon for my hair and to have a manicure and pedicure. Connie was now becoming my beautician and it was nice having her ask about Warren and girl things. She has a younger sister that I know. She even showed me a picture of her newest boyfriend. She knows Marcia but has to work as well as go to college.

Marcia has a campus job, fifteen hours a week max. Connie works full-time and school is part-time. It made me wonder how my Mom made ends meet. It worried me that she might be one getting stressed out or not afford what she was spending on me.

My hair and nails turned out great, though I feel guilty having the pedicure as well.

Mom picked me up at the salon and gave Connie a nice tip. I apologized to Mom for costing so much and promised to help out more starting Saturday. I said tonight, but mom encouraged me to hold off until Saturday. It was so I wouldn’t hurt my nails nor my hair.

I was up a bit earlier on Friday, I had a nice outfit for school and my skirt and sweater for the game and after. The finishing touch this morning was Marcia helping me with my panther paw. We had our homecoming parade into town as well as the announcing of homecoming king and queen. Zach as king was no surprise, but Brenda not being queen was poetic justice as far as I felt. I felt a tinge guilty but not enough to hurt me.

I had put an extra panther paw on Warren’s locker and cheered extra loud when he was announced. I was sure not everyone heard my growl, but it did turn a few heads my way.

After lunch, I was called to the office and was questioned if I ran a smear campaign against Brenda, defeating her as queen. They knew of our argument but had no evidence I had done anything.

I said, “So why are you calling me to the office. If anything, maybe it was students are just tired of Brenda. It sucks more than a little than you question the TG student!”

They asked me, “Dot to be so sensitive, you should understand our need to check things out.”

“You didn’t even smell and smoke like I lit a fire, but your questions are accusatory. I smell smoke and it comes from a spoiled brat being upset. Well, it must feel lousy but she’s got herself to blame not me! If you’re done can I leave, before I get upset.”

The only surprise I had, not counting the accusation, was Grandma Miller wanting to see me dressed for homecoming. “Wow, Darling! You make a fine lass. Too bad you don’t have Lana’s strawberry blonde hair. Your Great-Grands must be singin’ in heaven seein’ ya like this.”

It was unusual, Grandma’s brogue was so strong unless the was extremely happy or had been celebrating more. It felt great as a granddaughter receiving her hug.

Julia and Haylie were going to the game with their dates. Warren’s friend Jonathan picked me up to take me to the game. Teri and Talia both had their dates as well. Ever true as best friends, Teri and I still looked to say hi and visit.

Jon was nice to understand my time with others. It was more interesting than I thought to be with Jonathan. I learned things about War(ren). I had heard his nickname ‘War’ before but learned it was because of his surprising strength. But Warren was growing more uncomfortable with its use, as he was more comfortable with his more caring nature.

With Jonathan being taller it was easier for Warren to find where I was beginning the second half. He was having a good game with two catches and a few good blocks.

Late the third quarter with one of our defensive players hurt; Warren started to play defense as well. Being a close game, our rival tried to pick on Warren hoping he was a bad defender. Warren, however, knew their routes and was able to undercut a receiver and pick off a pass for a touchdown.

Come the dance, Brenda was doubly offended that my date was getting part of Zach’s glory. The best I did was to ignore her.

Come the end of the dance Warren was still wired from the game and we were doing well. We went up to look-out point and what we did or didn’t was between us. We did a lot of fondling and kissing and we steamed up the windows.

=^_^=

The thing I was happiest most about, the prior rumor that he would dump me after homecoming was untrue. Warren invited me, to go to see his older sister Renae. She’s six years older that has a three-year-old daughter and a baby boy. Brian her husband went to another room to watch football.

Renae made a comment I didn’t hear, but I soon gather it has taken him a while to adjust to Warren. Warren’s seeing me, a transgender girl, will take longer for Brian to get adjusted to. She said, “In time, he’ll see you don’t have a third boob or designs on him. Then he’ll relax and be one of your stronger allies. One thing is for Mia and little Liam to take a liking to you.”

She handed Liam for me to cradle him in my arms. I do have a niece that I’ve held before. I think that gives me an advantage of already being comfortable with babies. Mia is over smiling up at me, “He likes you. I like anyone who Uncle Warren likes.”

Renae talks to Warren, about his last game, but even more about his grades. She asks, “Did you know Warren is in the honor society and the A honor roll?”

“Only that he missed a meeting last week. He seems shy and doesn’t talk about himself. I am taken with a tough football player, who is also very smart. He helped me last week with some math problems I had. I liked instead of just giving me the answers he helped me to solve the problems.”

I started to say, “He says, you’re quite intelligent too but…” I stopped because Warren was disappointed she left college to get married.

She said, “I know, he and Mom thought I was going to be the first college graduate. Little brother looked up to me more than I realized… Like you, I’m very happy with how he’s turning out. That he found you has made me extra happy for him.”

‘Wow.’ That surprised me, I thought others would be disappointed he found someone like me.

“You looked surprised, but ’ttle bro is strong and we’re proud of his standing up for himself. He has as much right to be happy as anyone else. I hope you see yourself the same.”

Renae went to fix dinner and I soon went to help her. Morgan had been put down for a nap. Warren and Mia went to watch the football game with Brian.

Renae was fixing hamburgers, making homemade onion rings, I helped by making macaroni and cheese as well as a salad. She said she never knew whether dinner and half-time would allow sit-down meal or not.

I missed having my dad around. This caused me to wonder how my dad might accept me or have trouble doing so.

We were there in a second football game. I was comfortable just relaxing next to Warren. I know football, but I’m not into it as much as the guys. Even Renae seemed into the game more than me. But then again, she’s a Packer fan and they were playing in the second game.

I felt good that we had been there and that I met his sister and got a better perspective on Warren. Today when he brought me home I talked him in to coming in and staying for more than a minute. It felt good having him comfortable with me at my home.

We had some music in the background and the TV on. But we lost track of that as we kissed. My ears were set like radar, for anyone approaching the family room where we were.

My blouse was loose at the waist and the warmth of his hands felt good as we snuggled. My hands found their way into his shirt, I found myself taken with his lean and strong physique. He’s also sensitive to be being touched. I focused on him enjoying soft slow touches down his back. He’d kiss me and moan as I moved my fingers gently down his back. When asked, he assured me he did not want me to stop.

Warren was the one to bring up Brenda, saying, “I know it has to hurt with how she acts. It has been good that you stand up to her. She often gets away with things. She might not be a friend, but she’s not as vocal since she did not get elected as the queen. If needed I will step in and take the flack. Most of us in the senior class have gotten use to her. One of the good things about graduating is she’ll be history for most of us. I’m not sure if Zach would be okay with it if she follows him to the same college.”

It was good to talk but it took me out of the mood for being affectionate with him.

It was good to be back among my friends most of the time. The following two weeks went well with the exception of one loss in the next two games. They now had the first-round game of their play-offs. I was rooting for them, but wouldn’t be heartbroken with a loss. Each win made football a week longer and the opponent that much tougher.

Visits to my doctors, Dr. Denise Bradley and Dr. Hanna Miles, my psychiatrist. Dr. Bradley was a check-up with blood being drawn to check my hormone levels among other things. My blood was drawn the prior week so she had the results when she saw me. There was a small increase in my female hormone level and my testosterone was noticeably low. She said, “Your testosterone level will be negligible come the holidays if we stay this course. You would continue to have your male parts but will be only good for you standing up to pee.”

“Ewe, gross. I haven’t been doing that.”

She asked my mother, “Did you know she’s acting like a girl all the time when she’s gone to the bathroom?”

Mom said, “I hadn’t seen the mess Nick usually made even on the day she was Nick.”

Dr. Denise then said, “You’re now calling your child a girl and Nick like he’s the second of the two.”

Mom replied, “She/he is one person, but yes, I believe she sees herself as Nicole. She’ll see Dr. Miles again tomorrow but she’s also been seeing her regularly. I am not sure, but I think she sees Nicole being her normal self as a healthy progression for Nicole. It might be fast for you and how you see her in relation to her hormones, but” giving me a one-arm hug, “I am glad by how well she is handling the change. I don’t think she is changing to anyone else’s schedule other than her own.” I squeezed my mom’s hand in appreciation of her words in speaking up with me.

On the way home, Mom said, “With tomorrow’s appointment being with Dr. Hanna; let’s plan to go out to a nice place and have a nice dinner. Then we won’t need to worry about rushing back to prepare dinner or getting something.”

I asked, “Does that mean I get a chance to dress up for a change?” I was happy with that idea.

Mom asks, “Are you planning on going to the game Friday?”

“Yes. Despite the expectation for colder temperatures, wind, and a drizzling rain. For Warren’s sake, I’ll root for them to win at least the first playoff game. It’s different being there for someone else. I don’t want Warren hurt, but he wants to keep playing. I’m glad neither Dad or you forced me to play when I decided not to play again… I wouldn’t mind playing softball except I’m afraid I’m not good enough to make even the junior varsity team.”

“Teri wants me to consider going out for the forensic team after the holiday. She says some of the team practice in club competition year-round? What chance do I have in bringing something to the team?”

Mom says, “That would depend. I could see you being someone bold and with another perspective. But then again, maybe that would be hard on you.”

“I see what you’re saying, and I don’t know if I want to step out like that,” I reply.

Our team won the first-round game, but Harrison, the number one rated team of the Division Three Schools, was our next opponent. Everyone was proud of their win, but few liked our chances in the coming game.

I knew Warren was both excited and concerned. He joke, “It will be a tie game until someone scores.” Again we’ll be the away team, playing at their field, before their home crowd. I mentioned once about my concern that he could get hurt. And Warren told me that was the last time he wanted me to say anything like that.

Having two tests and a paper due probably helped me not to worry too much about the football game. Several of us girlfriends went to watch their practice on three consecutive cold days. Brenda was there, but she was in her Daddy’s warm car. It was actually a good idea, but because it was her idea, I didn’t like it.

Friday morning we had a cheer assembly to see the team off. Teri, Sadie, and Layla would all ride with my Mom and me to the game. The four of us sat up in the rickety stands for the opponents in front of the cheerleaders to cheer along with them. It was a girl thing that Nick never did. The worst part was the restrooms we all the way over and under the home stands of Harrison supporters. Their fans were nice at half-time as they were leading 10-7.

Harrison was leading 17-7 in the third quarter when Zach threw a long pass some twenty yards to Warren, he was able to keep his balance having been hit and ran another eighteen yards to score a touchdown.

It was in the fourth quarter with Harrison leading 20-14 with time running out. The Panthers had the ball on Harrison’s twenty-two-yard line. Zach’s pass to Warren for a touchdown was high but Warren was able to jump and catch it. But he was hit hard by two defenders before he hit the ground. I winced when I saw him landing on a shoulder. Everyone else was concerned if he held onto the football. An official was right there and he quickly raised two arms up for a touchdown. And then he signaled a player was hurt and needed help. I tried to run onto the field to be with him, but Tiffany caught me and one of the coaches helped her.

The Panthers scored the extra point to win the game 21 to Harrison’s 20. It would be Warren’s last game as he had a broken collar bone and two cracked ribs.

The funny thing was for the next three weeks if we were alone I had to help him go to the toilet and get his clothes back on properly. There would be at least two times I added extra excitement to his life…

To be continued…

Warren’s recovery helps him, as well as Nicole in finding themselves.

Thanksgiving is upon them and people are pressing Nicole for a Christmas list. She’s wanting makeup, but not just any makeup; she wants clothes but has become finicky about colors and styles; and she wants to redecorate her room, but sure her mother can’t afford the makeup table with mirrors and lights.

Lana and Marcia would be upset if she gets what she wants. Their mother says, “None of you are getting all that you want; nor is anyone being forgotten.”

My mother was soon behind me messing up my hair like I was still Nick. “Stop that Mom! I’m no longer a boy who doesn’t care about his hair.” She gives me a hug from behind, saying, “There are so many things that change with this.” Her hug brushes over my chest and I flinch as she does.

“Don’t tell me that’s changing?” I’m not sure what she’s talking about until she asks, “Are your breasts budding?” I tried to wiggle out of her grasp. I want them but was afraid she’ll stop me from having them.

Fortunately, Teri called and I slid away to answer my phone. “Thanks for calling Teri… What do you mean? No, Brenda didn’t hurt me… She what? No, I didn’t know…”

I call out to my mother, “Mother did you hear anything about Brenda being in an accident? Terri heard she got in an accident with someone she disliked.”

Mom says, “I heard that Hayley and her father were hurt in an accident. But they were taken to the hospital just as a precaution. Why, what did you hear?”

“Teri’s calling worried that I was the person she hit.”

Mother said, “I’ll call Hayley’s mother; I have her number.”

“Hayley Burris and her father are alright, but their car is history,” Mom said. “I guess Brenda’s father is already promising a new and better vehicle.”

The next day there were a bunch of us, students, at the mall talking and texting others. Several people asked if I was worried that Brenda might want to hurt me. That seemed strange to me as few people ever worried about Nick.

Teri, Talia, Sadie, Megan, Layla, and I went window shopping away from all the others. Teri and others were giggling and wouldn’t tell me what about, just saying, “You’ll see.”

I went running out of the store we were in and literally ran into Warren, just about knocking him over. He had a walking boot but no crutches. He quickly grabbed me, “Woe, don’t knock me down.”

I wasn’t ready for the big smooch and hug I got from him. I was beet red because we were out in public with a number of people watching me.

Part of me still is not used to being kissed in public by a boy. I gave Warren a squeeze, he winced, and I noticed. I looked at his right hand and saw a few knuckles were red or scraped.

He tried to tell me it was nothing, but Megan spoke up. “He’s been given a rough time for being with you.”

He said, “It’s not about you… Some don’t like me being public about myself.” He tried to convince me it was only once. But since he got injured in football I’m learning he’s had trouble with teammates as well.

When I complain about narrow-minded straight people; Teri informs me that at least one altercation was with a gay person who was upset Warren showed affections to me.

The following week I was distracted from studying; I've become more self-conscious that others might be talking about me.

One class report I did was not as good as it could have been if I proofread it. The first final exam suffered from a lack of concentration in studies. Something clicked and I was determined not to suffer anymore.

I studied with Teri or Megan and was with Warren, my friends or family. I have taken a liking to leggins as I continue to like skirts and dresses. The cold whisking up my legs, reminds me I’ve chosen to be a girl. Yesterday was an exception to my liking when someone bumped me hard and caused me to fall into a wet snowdrift. Having extra padding that gets wet and cold is the pits. My panty and leggings were wet and would be with me all day. Unlike other girls who hid a change in their lockers, I had not.

Learning to be Nicole was like a new adventure that gave color to my life, making so much new. It touched Nicolaus’s intrigue to explore and find new things. But they weren’t new or forbidden places or treasures; not like I would think. I explored sensations like colors, textures, fragrances. I often looked for at least one of each that was new each day. Where Nick might have said red was red, I now see so many different reds and shades of various red. Peach now held many tastes, smells, and colors.

Matt was better than most guys, but he too would laugh sometimes when I took interest in small things. Things that Teri and I liked to do. I liked taking him with us, but he becomes bored long before us. We even go and help him buy new jeans. Teri and I both liked seeing him fit into a snug pair.

The more Talia went her own way I found my longtime friendship with Teri blossoming with deeper feelings. I am sure that is partly why my mom wanted me to take my time with both her and Warren.

Talking with my Mom, Lana or Marcia were becoming special moments for me. They knew the feelings awakening inside of me. They usually refrained from teasing me, though I knew I sounded immature to them. Whether I thought my nipples were budding or saying I wanted a vagina, not a penis, they hung in there listening to me. They tended to listen much more than I would have. They reassured me again and again that I’d find my own way. They loved journeying with me, even my tiniest discoveries. I found it interesting that my journey helped them think of things they rarely considered anymore.

Grandma started teaching me to needlepoint and Lana joked I’d become an old spinster. I felt awkward trying to learn modern or jazz dancing, but Lana said it was part of me stretching myself. Well, I could do needlepoint on my own and in private. Taking dance lessons with other girls, and children much smaller than me was embarrassing. But I learned faster with them than I would have alone.

I wasn’t willing to be in dance recitals, nor put my needlework into contests or shows. I was learning as part of my own self-discovery. Teri would sometimes go watch me practice. She and others remarked as I grew more graceful away from practicing. It was a dance before Christmas. I was doing a fast dance with Warren and I became creative with some steps. He and others complimented me and I felt like I was beginning to arrive. I as Nicole was making some new marks.

Christmas brought new excitement for me as a girl. There was also the anxiety that I was at the point of no turning back. I have decided not to lose my boy parts for now, but I would continue living twenty-four seven in being Nicole from here on out.

My longtime friends were divided on how they felt about me. My new friends thought I should be angry and forget them, and some became upset that I wouldn’t. The life I was choosing wasn’t always easy but I found myself happier overall.

It was the Friday before Christmas, Teri and I were cuddling under a blanket at my house. Our hands had both made their way under the loose bra of the other. But it was I who had the surprise of a joyful moan. I hoped it did not find its way to my mother’s ears.

It was just the beginning as Teri rolled on top of me and with a hot passionate kiss began to make out with me girl to girl. I yelped softly once, “Teri, we shouldn’t.”

She asked, “If you want we can stop.” There’s a long pause as she wants me to say something one way or the other.

“I love you Teri; I’ve wanted this a long time.” It is I who stretch my neck to continue the kissing. I push my front against her and we continue making out.

I was in a slight melancholy mode after we finished until Teri asked, “What’s the mood for, I thought you liked it?”

I said, “I did, it’s not that but how am I going to tell Warren, I’ve chosen you?”

“Stop there,” Teri shoots back, “We made out, I didn’t ask to marry you or to go steady. I’m going to college and I’m sure you are too. I just thought it was time to make out.”

After Teri went home, my mom called me to her room. “I should be angry at you and Teri. It is not a big surprise, but I didn’t expect it tonight. What gives young lady?”

I didn’t want Teri to be blamed. I said, “It wasn’t planned but I kissed her and then got more passionate, and then we got carried away. You probably don’t want to hear me say it but it was beautiful. We were like two girls, no women.”

Mom asked, “So you two didn’t have intercourse?”

“Mom, Teri sees me as another girl. No, we didn’t.”

Mom says, “I suspect she sees you both ways, but, yes, mostly as Nicole. You smell a little too much like Nic; you need to take a good shower. I would like to talk to my youngest daughter a little more after you’re done and ready for bed.”

While I took care of my problem area, I spent most of my time enjoying being a girl. Shaving my legs is still fun, despite others saying that will change.

I am better at pat drying my hair and combing and then brushing it out with a hair blower. I am in a pair of baby-doll pajamas with one of my sisters’ robes. Mom is happy to see me return to sit with her.

Mom said, “You might think you are forever and ever in love with Teri. I don’t want to burst your bubble as I guess it could happen. However, I want…”

I interrupt her, “Mom, Teri already told me. It was so beautiful, but she said that was 70% sex and 30% emotion. I guess I have a lot to learn.”

Mom said, “I don’t know about percentages, but don’t discount it being an important experience. You’ll probably remember it for a long time. I do hope Teri is s forever friend. If it is more, only time will tell.” Mom said, “It is like a songbird, release it and if it comes back it’s yours. If it doesn’t it never was. It needs to be free.”

“Christmas is coming and you’ll get more gifts than usual this being your first Christmas as Nicole. Your Grandparents plan to give you a couple more gifts and my parents are giving me some extra money so I can do so too.”

Come morning, Mom said we needed to talk about my name. “You know, it would be good to get your name legally changed to Nicole, but we should also be thinking of a middle name.” She paused, “What do you think?”

I asked, “Did you and Dad have a name for me if I was a girl?”

“Your father liked the name, Lea or Leah. When I reminded him we were planning on a name beginning with an ‘N’ he said, “Then he better be a boy. We both agreed after you were born that you would have been as beautiful as Lea.”

“Nicole Lea Miller, it should be then.” It sounded beautiful to me. It was also very different for the girl becoming used to pretty things. It couldn’t be wrapped up and put under a tree. No one would understand its value as much as me. It was a link connecting me back to my Dad in a good way. It was a reflection of my Mom the woman who was helping me to shape my life. I surprise myself by saying it, but she’s my biggest influence and source of love in my life.

The Saturday Lana was back from college, she and Marcia took me shopping as we’re to get our Christmas gift for Mom. Lana was shaking her head now, I finally asked, “What’s with you and the head-shaking?”

Lana said, “You! I can’t believe the beautiful sister in front of me started with you making good on a bet. I didn’t believe it when I first saw you as an attractive girl at the beach. And now, you’re that girl inside and out. Mom’s actually going to legally change your name to Nicole Lea.” We reminisced between the three of us. Lana and Marcia both wondered if what happened was the result of my growing up in a house of women or from when I got into their clothes as a little boy.

Lana said, “You know Nicki while Mom loves you, she misses you as her son as well.”

I asked, “Is there a reason you felt the need to say that?”

Marcia intervened, “It is to let you know that you aren’t only loved because you are now a girl. Mom’s afraid you feel you’re loved more now that you’re a daughter. Each of us loved you before as well as now. It does seem to me that you are happier now and more outgoing.”

We were now going through a number of stores and had already bought two things for our Mom. “You know Lana and Marci, I never really enjoyed times like this before. Things I used to point out, you two would say ‘no’ to and I didn’t understand why and thought you were just being mean.”

Lana said, “You already have better tastes. What would you say to you and Mom enjoying a salon appointment together?”

“No, offense, but I’d still be worried about Mom bugging me about what she wanted instead of what I wanted.”

Lana asked, “So what do you find attractive with Warren? Have you made out yet?”

I turned, put my hands on my hips, and said, “You first tell me who you’ve made out with and who was the best?”

Marcia gasped, “Woe, when did you ever get so bold?”

“I think her question opened her up to questions coming back on her. What Warren and I have done or haven't is none of her business. Do you ask others such questions? I don’t think so.”

“I would be more open to talking about how as a girl one deals with the affections one has for other girls?” I respond to the expressions on their faces to indicate they have talked about it.

Lana says, “Let’s finish shopping, and then maybe we can talk more sister to sister. And I’m sorry, about what I said earlier. You’re right it was intrusive and condescending.” Lana gave me a hug that I was a little cold to her at first.

Lana as my oldest sister had been the one I looked up to the most. But having been away at college, I wasn’t used to being her sister. The night was important yet it was not all smooth and warm. The more she shared her own stories tonight I found myself warming up to her in new ways. The three of us were a little teary-eyed as we finished the night. My sisters and I had bought mom a three-piece outfit with me selecting a buying the skirt.

We all went to church together and though two people made distasteful remarks most people were nice, even apologizing for others. Mrs. Allman invited to take us out some time, while Lana was home. Two high school students made sure I knew I was welcome to the youth group meetings.

We went out to dinner and then we all returned home to wrap the last of our gifts.

It was Monday after a phone conversation that Mom called me over. “Our lawyer called and said it is official. You, young woman, are Nicole Lea Miller. You are forever my third daughter. It is not just a name change, you are recognized as being a female.”

Mom paused, seeing I was still in shock, she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Don’t tell me you’re speechless?”

My eyes began to water before I caught myself. “Mom that is the most wonderful news. I know I’m a girl, but I didn’t expect the world to agree with me so quickly. Did Judge Harmon have anything to do with getting it passed so soon?”

Mom said, “It was Judge Harmon and State Senator Reed. I think they wanted to get it quickly approve while everyone was distracted by the holidays. They both believed it was the right thing to do, but weren’t anxious for others to know they pushed for its quick approval.”

Why don’t you go tell Teri, Warren, and whoever else you wish to, but be ready to go to your Grandma’s tonight for Christmas Eve.