Little ditty about Manny and Maude, seamstrist and guard travellin’ the Land Beyond.
Maudie's sellin’ sartorial splendor, Manny debutante of Maudie’s mirror.

Oh yeah life goes on...

Warning: Please brush your teeth after consuming this story, for it may cause cavities.
Warning 2: Contains some funky formatting, which I blame upon my imaginary friend, Imaginary Fred.

On the Wall
by Arcie Emm

One did not need to be Bentolain the All Seeing, Lord of the Seventh Level of Damnation, to deduce that the pretty blonde was not happy with her companion, sitting beside her on the wagon seat. Simple observation skills would allow one to notice how rarely she turned her head from a straight ahead stare, how she spoke just enough to not be impolite, and how she appeared to ignore anything her seatmate said. It would have been downright awkward if her companion, an older woman whose face held similar yet older features to the girl, paid any attention. Instead she just talked.

And talked.

And talked.

Manny had even learned, while sharing rooms at the Willow Rill and Aspen Rill inns, that Maude mumbled in her sleep. She talked about anything and everything, some of which Manny secretly found interesting. However, most of the time the seamstrist chattered about people, all of whom Maude discussed in the most familiar manner even though Manny had heard of none of them. He sometimes wondered if she forgot he was not her daughter, Lirial, whose form the witch had accidentally trapped him in, while they wiggled their way out of the Grandwitch Grunhilda’s lair. Yet, despite the absent-minded persona Maude usually portrayed, not once had she mistakenly called him anything other than Manny.

“...and that’s how the Lich Lord Volgrom fell in love with the paladin, Zora Bestingle. They truly are a cute couple, particularly since Zora got him looking less like a scruffian and more like his dandy self from before he became undead. All he needed was a good skin peel, a bone bleaching, teeth whitening, and something done with his hair. Let me tell you, all of us girls used swoon over Volgrom’s hair when we were in school, which is why I felt so sad that he let it become such a straggly mess after dying. But no longer, now it is the glorious mane I remember so fondly. Isn’t love a wondrous thing, Manny?

“Manny...

“Manny, what’s wrong? Are you still mad at me?” This was another of Maude’s regular topics of conversation, trying to convince Manny that he had no reason to be mad at her. After all, to her, transformations were just part of life, kind of like stubbing your toe.

“Yes, I am?”

“Don’t you think you’ve held your grudge long enough?”

“It’s only been two days.”

“Yeah, more than enough time to get over it.”

“Two days is not enough time for something a major as getting changed into somebody completely different, particularly a girl.”

“But being a girl is a wonderful thing. Much better than my first transformation, during in my second work term of seamstrist school and the only job I could get was as a silkworm wrangler, which required me to be an actual silkworm. Disgusting creatures, silkworms, all they do is eat and if I never see another mulberry leaf it will be too soon. Still I did make some good friends, though it always made me feel guilty that I never warned them that the only way out of their cocoons was in a boiling pot of water. You can’t very well think that being a girls is anywhere as bad as that.”

For the first time Manny detected a hint of steel in her response to his complaints. Combining this with his belief that she was more powerful than she pretended, he decided to tone down his frustration. “But I don’t know anything about being female.”

“So that’s worrying you?”

”Umm...okay.”

“You should have told me, maybe I could have calmed your nerves. For example, as you have probably notice, you are under the power of a high quality transformation spell.”

“I am?”

“Of course. A poor quality one is like ill fitting clothes. You can tell someone is under one by the herky-jerky fashion in which they move, almost like a marionette. Whereas, you, despite maintaining your baritone, seem as if you had never been anyone different. Doesn’t it feel natural?”

Maude was right, it did feel natural, despite his new form likely being barely half the size of the old Manny. Many things were wrong with what had been done to him, but how he physically felt was not one of them. Yet not wanting to admit this, he said, “Well I felt really awkward after my transformation.”

“That was that pink monstrosity of a gown, which even Lirial struggled with despite wanting it more than life itself for the summer ball. But now that we got you into something sensible you don’t seem to be having any troubles.”

Though not thrilled with wearing any dress, he saw no room to complain about the blue travel dress Maude had created for him, particularly since she was right about the original gown. “I suppose. But there must be more to being a woman then not tripping when I walk.”

“Well that’s true.”

“And I worry that I might do something to embarrass you in front of your clients.”

“Hmm...that is a good point. Most would understand, since they have likely experienced something similar themselves, but others take themselves entirely too seriously. Let’s see now, what can we do? Hmm...I know, do you read, Manny?”

“So-soish. My Ma taught me when I was young, but I’ve had no need for it since I’ve been on my own. Why?”

“Well then, we’ll just have to get you the book.”

“There’s a book on how to be female?”

“Many of them, though most of them are full of tripe. However, one of my old friends, Elmadine Fergoro, wrote a quite wonderful one as part of the ‘So You’ve Been Turned Into a ___’ series of books, hers is subtitled ‘27 Things You Must Know About Being a Woman.’ We will pick you up a copy in the next town we pass through that has a book dealer.”

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just turn me back into a man?”

“Maybe, but I don’t see how we can do that.”

“Couldn’t we can convince one of the men at this Lady Vlidia’s place to let me take his form?”

Maude burst out laughing, so much so that Manny wondered if she were about to fall off the wagon seat. Not understanding the joke, he finally demanded. “Okay, what’s so funny?”

“Well Lady Vlidia and her household are pixies. I really don’t think you want to be the size of my finger, not that we will we find any males there.”

“Why not?”

“Male pixies are dreadfully shy little fellows, rarer than a leprechaun’s charity. They are absolutely terrified of the females of their species, wisely so since they are rather predatory towards them. Actually towards all men, now that I think about it, which is another good reason for you to be changed. In fact, maybe we better do something about that lovely baritone of yours. Say something.”

“Umm...what are you going to do, Maude? Hey quit that, I like my voice. No way, that’s too high, I sound like an idiot. Okay that’s better, but I still don’t like it. And you really should have asked.”

“There, that sounds lovely. Though I recommend you say as little as possible, that way you won’t speak out of character.”

“What? Why did you change my voice, if I’m not supposed to speak?”

“Better safe than sorry.”

Feeling a growl begin deep in the pit of his stomach, the one which told friends to stop the gibes directed at their large, though good natured friend, Manny cut it off when it came out closer to a purr than the normal rumble. Yet it lasted long enough for Maude to notice.

“What was that, Manny?”

“Ahh, I was just wondering, if pixies are only the size of your finger, how do you make clothes for them?”

“With a lot less material. Hahahahahahah! Well no, really you should know, Manny, I use magic. A seamstrist is nothing if she is not adaptable, though to be honest, I did struggle, when I first began dressing pixies to manage the cut around their wings. My isn’t this nice.”

“What?”

“The two of us having this pleasant conversation.”

“I guess.”

“Of course it is. It makes the time pass so much more quickly.”

Notwithstanding the whole completely messing up his life, Maude was a hard person to stay mad at and neither was he the type to stew in his own juices. So offering a prettier smile than he could have offered a few days earlier, he said, “Aye, it does. Doesn’t it?”

Answering with a smile of her own, Maude patted his leg, and said, “Exactly. Now why don’t you tell me how you became a trail guard and I will let my voice rest for awhile.”

“It’s not too complicated or good of a story, because it all happened by happenstance. I had actually expected to follow my father as a blacksmith, but then the Prince of Verkning got it in his head that he wanted to add the County of Burgshirevale to his princedom. Needless to say, the Count had different ideas and so began forming his own army, a contingent of twenty men being expected from my own village of Ganfree. For many reasons, my size, my age, being unattached, being a bit of a dreamer, and so forth, I ended up part of that contingent, right through the Battle of Muddy Creek.”

“You were there? Even in the Land Beyond we heard about the battle. It sounds like it was awful, which is why everybody here calls it the Battle of Bloody Creek.”

“Aye, it was a massacre, we slaughtered them. Despite their leader’s loftier title, Verkning is a poor land in comparison to Burgshirevale. We had the larger army, better equipped, and when the Count’s liegeman, Baron Gustav Frolong, was summoned home with his mercenary regiment, we were better led. And I was right in the middle of it, one of the Beige Baron’s Sergeants-at-Arms having spotted me during training and brought me into their shield and spear line. Victory is a heady thing, even horrible victory, so instead of returning home to the smithy I followed the Baron for another five years, from war to war. Likely would have still been in the ranks if the Baron had not gotten sick and the regiment disbanded. But he did and it did, so I needed to find something new to do. Since none of the other mercenary companies interested me, I became a guardsman for wagon trains, been doing it for just over a year now.”

This quick recitation of his adventuring life proved unsatisfactory for Maude who used the next couple of hours to question and get to know Manny better. In turn, the miles and time seemed to pass quicker, so he answered as best as he could, right until he looked up and spotted something in their trail.

“Maude, there’s a big tree in the middle of the road just ahead.”

“There is? Oh, that’s good, we’re almost there.”

“Umm...Aren’t you going to stop?”

“Hmm?”

“Or go around it? It’s a really big tree. Maude, what are you doing? Maude!”

Eyes opened wide in anticipation of disaster, he spotted a large, straight root puckering the earth as it shot out from the middle of the tree. A tiny obstacle in the path of the massive hoof of the plodding auroch. So expecting to see the root crumble, he exclaimed in surprise when the hoof seemed to delicately rest atop the barked surface. Yet what really caused his mouth to gape was that at the end of its next stride, the auroch’s other front hoof also landed upon the root. He could not understand how the beast, which was more than half as wide as the wagon, could delicately balance upon a root barely two hand widths wide. Yet it did, the back hoofs now following along with those of the front. Shaking his head in confusion, Manny closed his eyes, but opening them brought no end to his disbelief. For now the auroch seemed no bigger than a squirrel, and while it did not scamper like one along the root, it none-the-less continued apace, the traces connected to the wagon as taut as they had been the entire day.

“Wha..wha...what’s...”

Unable to form his question, he felt a jerk as the wagon’s front wheels hit the root, climbing it as if onto a ramp. His eyes told him that it was impossible, yet his ears hearing wheels upon wood and his body feeling itself tilt in gentle incline told him otherwise. Once more he shut his eyes, this time opening them to see the auroch had regained its proper proportion, though he quickly realized that was due to the wagon and its contents, including him, having also shrunk to match the beast. Looking over the edge of the wagon he saw that they appeared to travel along a path, etched into the bark of the root.

“Oh, it’s magic.”

“Of course it is, Manny. Magic is the answer to most of the things that seem impossible or improbable in the Land Beyond. I know amongst your people many consider it cheating, but it’s not always cherry turnovers and berry wine.”

Looking down, seeing proof bulging from his chest, Manny could not deny this truth. Instead he nodded his head and said, “So is this the magic that allows you to make clothes for the pixies?”

“Exactly. Now they will seem regular sized.”

“How does it work?”

“That’s beyond the ken of this old seamstrist. I guess it has something to do with this path upon which we travel, we shrink when we arrive and grow when we leave. But if you want to really understand, you need to talk to a civil engineerist, probably quite a senior one at that.”

Clipping along at a pace defined now by the teeny legs of the auroch they slowly approached the trunk of the tree, Manny curiously looking for the opening in which they would enter. Again he began worry about crashing into the tree, though he dismissed it and wondered what new magic was about to happen. However, he was not prepared for the auroch to continue walking up the tree, as if still on the root. He was even less ready for the wagon to follow. As they climbed Maude’s chuckled ‘hang on’ did little to calm his nerves, though he did take her advice, grabbing on with a death grip to both her arm and the side of the wagon.

“Manny, not so hard, your nails are digging into my arm. Manny?”

His only response, while staring straight ahead with a wild eyed look, was a mewl of fear. A mewl that worked its way up to a keen.

“Oh dear, are you afraid of heights? Manny? Sweety, close your eyes. That’s a girl, you can do it. Now breathe deeply, again, and again. No, don’t open your eyes. Here, let me reclaim my arm, you have quite a grip there, don’t you? Okay, lean forward a bit. Breathe deeply. Good girl.”

Slowly Manny regained his composure, soothed by Maude’s words and how she gently rubbed his back, almost as if he were a child after waking from the night terrors. With composure came embarrassment, both at both his reaction and the way Maude was treating him. Nor did he grow less mortified when the only response he could come up with was to mumble. “Not a girl.”

“Sorry, Manny, I know that. It’s just that you brought out the mother in me.”

“It’s okay. Thank you for helping.”

“That’s what friends do, Manny. Though I wish I had known you were afraid of heights, I could have warned you.”

“Didn’t know.”

“What?”

“I didn’t know I was afraid of heights. It’s never bothered me before.”

“Ahh, that’s likely because you have never been this high before.”

“We’re only waist high to my old self.”

“But you’re not your old self, in comparison this is many times higher than your head. Just imagine a fall, as tiny you, from your old waist, it would be many times your height.”

“Not helping!”

“What? Oh sorry. You just keep your eyes closed and stayed bent over for now, Manny. We’ll be there soon.”

“Okay.”

“Hush, little Manny, don’t throw up. Maudies not going to let you drop. Soon we’ll be at the pixie hole. Then you’ll be safe from Gravity’s pull.”

“Not helping!”

“Sorry.”

“Umm...who’s Gravity?”

“He’s the Lord of the Oceans in the lore of seagulls. They describe him as a giant kraken who reaches into the sky to pull them to their death.”

“You know, Maude, I bet if you just hummed the lullaby that it would help a lot?”

“You really think so? Lirial always liked it when I made up words appropriate to the situation.”

“I prefer it with no words, that’s how my own mother did it.”

So, accompanied by the Maude’s humming, the auroch clip-clopped higher up the tree. The combination of soothing sounds helping Manny to maintain his grip on reality, though he continued to clutch the wagon. So it was a relief to feel the cart once more level off and have Maude announce their arrival.

Slowly opening his eyes, Manny looked around to find them in a cavernous space that he assumed was a hole in the tree’s trunk. Seeing Maude climb down and pull a rope hanging beside one wall, he shakily descended as well, enjoying the tree beneath his feet as he found the auroch’s feed bag. Scratching the beast behind an ear, he looked around the space, noticing a smaller hole in what he could only consider to be the back wall. Looking at Maude, who was marshaling her forces of chests and mirrors on their stubby legs, he waved to get her attention, then pointed questioningly in the direction of the hole.

“They’ll be here soon.”

Sure enough, it was not long before he heard the sound of voices coming through the opening which he watched, while wondering how terrifying they would be if they preyed upon their own men. When the three of them wafted into room, that thought, along with inconsequential thinks like his name, were driven from his brain by waves of lust.

While he, in his current form, was pretty and the Grandwitch Grunhilda had been beautiful, the three pixies were snivel on your haunches, absofriggentutely, drop-dead gorgeous. Looking alike enough to be triplets, each had snowy white hair done up in a flirty ponytail that hung most of the way to their feet, from which delicately pointed ears peeked out. Their faces, with large blue eyes sparkling beneath long lashes, high cheeks, cute nose, and luscious red lips could serve as inspiration for painters. While their bodies could serve as models for sculptures, their long slender necks separated from legs by the perfect amount of curves. And those legs, if they did not go on forever, they were perfectly shaped and made longer by glass slippers with improbably long and narrow heels. Thinking it would be impossible to stand with the shoes, he saw they need not worry for their sparkling, dragon-fly like wings blurred in motion, allowing them to hover just above the floor and causing the hems of their tight gossamer dresses to flutter above their knees. Only in these slippers, veins of their wings, and dresses that one could distinguish each of the beauties from the others, one in blue, another in red, and the third in purple.

Their presence was overwhelming. Manny could not decide whether to caper about like a fool, fawn upon the floor before them, or hide behind the wagon. He did know that if one were to ask, he would immediately stop his wandering, build a house with his teeth to prove his devotion, and have 723 children like Matt Stedbauer the swordsman of legend. In that moment he knew that male pixies were insane and then he heard the three angels speak.

“It’s Maude!”

“Yay Maude!”

“Weeee, time for pretty dresses!”

“And Lirial!”

“Yay Lirial!”

“Pretty Lirial!”

“Actually girls, she’s not Lirial, she’s my guard.” Maude said.

“It’s not?”

“It looks like Lirial.”

“Weeee, someone new!”

“We should really introduce ourselves.”

“We really should.”

“Mamma would tell us that it’s only polite.”

“Hi, I’m Nikki!”

“Hi, I’m Nicky!”

“Hi, I’m Nikkee!”

“Ahh...hello, my name is Manny.”

“Hi, Manny, did you know you look like Lirial?”

“Hi, Manny. You really do.”

“Hi, Manny. You’re pretty.”

Maude broke up the introductions to say, “Now that we now know each other, will the Lady Vlidia be joining us?”

“The Duchess sent Mamma a message.”

“That a male was hiding in a nearby forest.”

“A hunky, hunky male.”

“So she joined the hunt for him.”

“To bring him back to our forest.”

“A hunky, hunky male.”

“You already said that, Nikkee.”

“About the hunky, hunky male.”

“Heeheehee, Nicky wants a hunky, hunky male.”

“So the Lady Vlidia is not available? Will I need to come back another time?”

“Nonono, Mamma left us some shoes.”

“And said you could tell us how much they were worth.”

“So we can buy pretty dresses.”

“Very well, maybe you should show them to me and I can tell you what you can get in exchange.”

“Okay, follow us.”

“And we can look at the pretty shoes.”

“To the bat cave!”

“Why would we go to the bat cave?”

“The shoes are in the workshop.”

“Shoes? I thought you said bats.”

“Oh, that makes sense.”

“Yeah, it really does.”

“Bats are furry.”

With this, the three floated back through the hole from which they had arrived, chattering about how bats and shoes were the same, but different. Much of the glamour removed from Manny’s eyes, he looked unbelievingly at Maude and asked, “Shoes?”

“Aye, that is how Lady Vlidia and her daughters pay for all their wares. They craft shoes, like those that they’re wearing out of tree sap. Despite them being pretty and impractical, the shoes I mean, I am always able to sell them to other women. It really is quite amazing what pixies can do with sap, they can tint it and shape it into shoes or chairs or any number of things, all of which are as sturdy and strong as if they were made of less delicate material. But enough of that for now, we better hurry, otherwise the girls may forget we are here.”

Catching the three pixies, the two were led through an array of tunnels, lit by green lichen and burrowed in the tree’s trunk. Heading mostly upwards they ended out on the ledge on the wall of a hollow in the tree, larger than the one in which they had left the wagon, which stunk enough to make Manny gag.

Unaffected, Maude asked, “Girls, I don’t think this is your workshop.”

“Of course not, silly.”

“It’s the bat cave.”

“Furry, furry, stinky, stinky bats.”

“But we were on the way to your workshop?”

“We were?”

“Why?”

“To look at the shoes!”

“Oh right, shoes.”

“To pay for the dresses.”

“I better lead this time.”

Once more the five trooped, well three floated and the other two trooped, while obediently followed by nine chests and one mirror, back into the warren of the tree. Mercifully, for the non-floating and non-inanimate pair, this time the path led downwards. Reaching the workshop, Manny found it lit by small holes to the outside, which also helped to bring in fresh air, though the smell of sap was still almost as overpowering as the guano in the bat cave. Yet what stood out were the shelves, about the room, upon which hundreds of the sap slippers, of more colours than Manny knew existed, some even containing flowers, leaves, or insects embedded inside the sap.

“Manny, will you be a dear and get the large, feather filled sack out of the brown chest with the silver fastenings? Then fill it with forty of the clear slippers from the left wall, I can cover them as needed with silk, satin, or soft leather to match a customer’s dress.”

Nodding his head, he moved to the chest, which flipped its lid as he approached, and looked inside. There he found many small, velvet sacks and one large, leather one. Guessing it was the only one that could hold forty pairs of shoes, he took it to the wall and stopped in a quandary.

“What sizes, Maude?”

“Silly, they’re magic shoes. They fit everybody.”

Startled, he turned to find Nikkee hovering right behind him. “Oh? That’s handy.”

“Very. Let me get them. You pack.”

This proved to be an efficient method, particularly since many were out of his reach, though not the flying pixie’s. It also proved quite distracting, since, when she did not speak, the allure of her physical gifts could once more descend to their rightful spot in his mind. This was further enhanced by the subtle smell of flowers she emitted, the gentle caresses of her hands upon his when she passed over a pair of the slippers, and the hypnotic purr of her wings. All of which was as nothing compared to his glancing upwards and seeing all the way up Nikkee’s skirts, which ignited a strange fire under his own.

Fortunately, before he could say or do something stupid, Maude distracted him with another request. “Manny, can you take a moment to bring me the empty velvet bags from the same chest.”

“Urk...okay.”

Dragging his eyes away from the not so angelic vision above him, he scurried to the chest to get the bags, each which was soon stuffed with a pair of the more exotic slippers for which Maude chose to barter. Then he was searching in another chest to get a bolt of silk, which the pixies would use to line the insides of the slipper. Then multiple trips to a third trunk for hides of tough leather, which would cover the pointed toes and the tip of the heels on each shoe. So by the time he made it back to the clear slippers, stuffing them into the bag was the only stuffing on his mind. Finished, he placed it inside its chest and began making gender affirming trips back and forth from Maude and the three pixies to the trunk with the purple bags.

“Well that is enough shoes for this trip, now what do you girls seek in exchange?”

“Fancy dresses.”

“For the Duchess’ Ball.”

“After all the Mammas capture the hunky, hunky male.”

“We want him to notice us.”

“To pick our tree.”

“In which to be held captive.”

“Well we could definitely do that, there will also be enough left over to supply you each with a new day dress.”

“Weeee! Me first.”

“Then me!”

“Poo, why am I always last?”

“Mamma says you have to be faster.”

“I don’t like always being second.”

“I know, Manny can pick whose first.”

“Very well.”

“Yay, Manny!”

“Pick me! Pick me!”

This request made him stare in lustful horror at the three, having no idea how to choose. Then inspiration caused him to say, “I am thinking of a number between one and ten, the one who guesses closest will go first.”

“Oooh, a guessing game. I pick 3.”

“We love guessing games. I pick 3.”

“They’re really fun. I pick 3.”

“Umm...well the answer was 6.”

“Yay! I was closest.”

“Congratulations Nikki.”

“Yay, Nikki!”

He did not need to notice Maude shaking her head to spot the offered out, instead he said, “Congratulations, Nikki.”

Letting the triumphant pixie flit about in a victory dance for a few moments, Maude brought it to an end when she said, “Okay, Nikki, come stand in front of my mirror.”

A sinking feeling came to Manny’s stomach as he guessed what was about to happen, something confirmed by Maude saying, “Now go stand by your sisters and we will get Manny over here.”

When Manny did not immediately respond, he heard Maude’s voice in his head, just as at Grunhilda’s, snappishly say, “You’ve had ample opportunity to gawk at them, now it’s time for them.”

Heaving a sigh, he moved to stand in front of the mirror, which still contained Nikki’s image. Despite his attempts to ignore the vision, it captured him, hypnotized him, until it momentarily faded from sight, returning instantly to show the same pixie standing confidently upon high-heeled slippers. But this too was only momentary, for instincts kicked in and her blue veined wings blurred into motion, lifting her to hover like the others.

“EEEeeeek!”

“Wha-what?”

“It’s Nikki!”

“It’s me? I’m pretty.”

“Wha-what?”

“Where’s not-Lirial?”

“No need to be alarmed. It’s just Manny. A simple bit of magic I created to model new fashions for my customers. And who is a better model for what looks good than yourselves?”

“Weeee, this will be fun.”

“I can`t wait until my turn.”

“Magic is so much fun.”

Quicker than a whip, or at least too fast for Manny to get a good look, Maude had him out of blue gossamer dress and stepping into a long, backless gown of white silk, before tying the top straps around his neck. She then turned him around for the wide-eyed pixies’ inspection.

“That’s perfect.”

“Beautiful.”

“Exactly!”

“But maybe shorter, over the knee.”

“Definitely shorter.”

“Show off your pretty legs.”

“And satin instead of silk.”

“I love satin.”

“So shiny and soft.”

“And fitted instead of billowy.”

“Yeah, make it hug you.”

“Like the hunky, hunky male will hopefully do.”

“Make it tighter.”

“You don’t want any wrinkles.”

“Wrinkles are...”

“You’ll need a corset if I make it any tighter.”

“...nowhere as neato as a corset”

“Definitely a corset.”

“Kinky!”

“Heeheeheeheehee.”

“Oomph.” Manny offered as commentary to this addition.

“And strapless.”

“Sexy!”

“Boobies!”

“And make it blue.”

“Definitely blue.”

“You always look good in blue, Nikki.”

Waiting to see if there were any additional changes to the perfect dress, Maude said, “Your turn, Nicky.”

As the pixie in red excitedly moved in front of the mirror, Maude quickly removed the dress and corset from Manny, returning him to the gossamer dress. But that lasted only a short time, for soon he was in front of the mirror and with the minor changes to his appearance required, the magic had him in red quicker than a blink of the eye. Then Maude had him out of it and into a gown exactly like the one that had been transformed by Nikki’s specifications.

“That’s perfect.”

“Beautiful.”

“Exactly!”

Hearing this, Manny incredulously though to himself, ‘There’s no chance, is there?’

“But maybe shorter, over the knee.”

“Definitely shorter.”

“Show off your pretty legs.”

He had his answer. What followed was almost an exact repeat, word for word, to Nikki’s fitting. The only difference being no need for Maude to suggest the corset, so soon Manny ended up bursting out of a tight red dress almost like a bratwurst left too long on the fire..

*** WARNING: Ill advised simile detected. Please remove before continuing with story.

Three burly men wearing hard hats enter from the left margin, stare at the words, and shake their heads.

The one on the right says, “Dat’s just not right.“

The middle one agrees. “It sure ain’t, Chucko. It has to go and like all dirty jobs, we’s the suckers that have to do it. Danno, get the truck.”

“On it, Boss.”

--insert Jeopardy music--- Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep

“A bit further, Danno.”

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep

“A bit further.”

Beep, Beep

“Okay, good. Now grab a shovel boyos, we have a lot of work to do before the shift is over.”

Shovel, shovel, shovel, snort, shovel, shovel, cough, shovel, shovel, shovel, “Hey, Baby, shake it don’t break it.”, shovel, shovel, shovel, FRAAAAAP, shovel, shovel, shovel.

“Well boyos that’s look like the last of it. Man I need a shower.”

“What about the rest of it?”

“We’re not miracle workers, Chucko. Leave it.” ***

...Manny ended up in a tight red dress. However, before they could move on to Nikkee’s turn, they were interrupted by the ring of a gong.

“Another visitor.”

“I wonder who it is?”

“Maybe a messenger saying they caught the male.”

“Umm...Nikkee?”

“Yeah, Nikkee?”

“Sorry. Maybe a messenger saying they caught the hunky, hunky male.”

“Well we better see who it is.”

“It might be important.”

“Poo, I hate going last.”

With this, the three flitted out of the room, causing Maude to look at Manny and ask, “Curious?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s follow.”

“Maude, I need to change.”

“There’s no time. Let’s go.”

Desperate not to be seen wearing this dress by anybody else, he searched for an excuse. “I doubt that Nicky would want anybody else to see her dress before she has a chance to wear it.”

“Good point. Hurry, let’s get you changed.”

In a flash she had Manny changed. Not into the more familiar, though still unnatural, form of Lirial’s, but into the slightly less sexy gossamer dress. Maude scurried after the triplets, Manny finding it requiring no thought to keep apace with her by flying. When they arrived at the opening, through which they had earlier arrived, they were surprised to see a hornet and the auroch engaged in a staring contest. Spotting their arrival, the hornet broke off the engagement and flew towards them, causing all five to recoil. Stopping at a distance closer than polite, beginning to buzz.

“I think it’s trying to tell us something.”

“I don’t speak hornet.”

“Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz Buzz”

“Nikkee, you don’t speak hornet either.”

“None of us do.”

“Buzz off. Get it? Heeheeheeheeheeheeee”

Maude interrupted and said, “Girls, if you don’t mind, I do speak hornet. I’ll interpret. It says it is a messenger from the Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls, Ruler of Hive Kjfldjsjhdfkd and its surrounding territory. Territory in which your tree is found. The Empress calls you squatters and demands that you vacate the tree immediately.

“What?”

“It’s been in our family for centuries.”

“I’ll shove the tree up her ass if she wants it so bad.”

“Furthermore, the Empress says, that if you wish to dispute her claim, you will have your champion meet her champion on the morrow to settle the matter through right of combat.”

“What?”

“Right of combat?”

“We’re lovers, not fighters.”

“If you do not vacate or if you do not meet the Empress’ champion in single combat, the Great Fgdjdihsdkehkls will send her armies to evict you by force.”

With these final word the hornet turned and flew towards the exit hole.

“Hey wait.”

“We’re not finished here.”

“I think I’m going to throw up.”

“Those dirty hornets.”

“I knew they were up to no good.”

“And while Mamma’s away too. Those nogoodnicks.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Don’t ask me.”

“Hey, I’m the pretty one, you two are the brains.”

“Maude.”

“There’s Maude.”

“And then there’s Maude.”

“You have to help us Maude.”

“You’re compromisin’ and enterprising’.”

“Anything but tantalizing.”

“Right on Maude.”

“What should we do?”

“Help.”

“I don’t know girls, I too am a lover not a fighter.”

“Hey, didn’t you say Manny was your guard?”

“That’s like a fighter.”

“Oh, Manny!.”

Like an unstoppable avalanche the three tumbled towards him, wrapping him in hugs before he could dodge aside. Sniffling and groping, whispering terms of endearment, and offering hopeful kisses they begged for his help, to rescue them from the mean hornets.

Their entreaties stirred his noble spirit. Caused him to feel anger at their plight, outrage that such evil-doers still were allowed to exist in a world in which he still drew breath. He decided that he could not allow such injustice to go unpunished. In other words, the assault of blonde pixieness melted his brain and caused it to begin dripping down his inner thighs. “I’ll do it. I’ll be your champion.”

“Yay, Manny!”

“You’re the best, Manny!”

“We’ll make it worth your while, Manny. Grrrrrrr.”

Suddenly he felt his arm grabbed and heard Maude say, “Girls, I need to speak to my guard in private.”

Ignoring their protests she easily pulled him from their clutches, then with him floating behind she dragged him behind the wagon and hissed. “What do you think you are doing, Manny?”

“I’m helping out the pixies.”

“You’re going to get yourself killed. That’s what you’re doing.”

“Come on, Maude. It’s just a bug.”

“Manny, the messenger was just about a drone and it was nearly your size. Any champion the queen hornet breeds will be much larger.”

“Crap, but I still have to do it.”

“It’s not because of what Nikkee said, about making it worth your while, is it?”

“Nah, I know that means nothing, what with me being turned into a girl and all.”

“Manny, they are the equivalent of pixie teen-agers. They’ve been that way for decades, like many other pixie girls in this forest. They will stay that way until they capture a male attention and obtain the responsibility of their own family, at which point they will join the Duchess’ court. But until that time, and remember that their men are rarer than mandrake roots, they have to find other ways to satisfy their lusts. You can be assured Nikkee meant something.”

Watching as his eyes glazed over, Maude hastened to add. “Oh, forget I said that. Manny, Manny, you’re supposed to say, ‘Not Helping.’ Oh my, Maude, they may just be right, you really do talk too much. Manny, you really shouldn’t do this, it’s stupid.”

This penetrated his fantasies, causing him to sigh at such happy thoughts being dispelled. But he knew that Maude deserved an answer, so he offered one. “Look, Maude, of course it’s stupid. But remember, even though I look like one of them, I’m actually a big, dumb guy. And part of being a big, dumb guy is doing stupid things, heck we’re behind most of the stupid things that happen. But that doesn’t mean we’re all the same, some of are good and some of us are bad. I like to think I am in the first group, which means that I have to try and help those who are helpless, even if it means I get my ass kicked or my throat slit.”

Maude just looked at him, then offered her own sigh as acknowledgement. Pulling him back into the open, she looked at the nervous pixies, and said, “I guess it’s all set, Manny will be your champion.”

“Yay, Manny!”

“Yay, Manny!”

“Yay, Manny!”

“However, there’s a condition.”

“I don’t want you fighting looking like me.”

“Me neither.”

“Or me.”

“We don’t want people to think we’re fighters.”

“Cause then they will want us to fight them.”

“But we have a solution.”

“You can be Grandmamma.”

“She was a fighter.”

“An adventurer!”

“She has armour.”

“And weapons and things.”

“She’s really brave.”

“And tough.”

“I wanna be just like her if I grow up.”

“I thought your Grandmother was dead.” Maude said, not in her kindest tones.

“Oh, no she’s not dead.”

“Just indisposed.”

“But for this she would definitely help.”

“I don’t want to fight some champion hornet as a sick grandmother.”

“She’s not sick.”

“She’s just indisposed.”

“She’s in the deep sleep.”

Looking towards Maude, he saw her looking just as confused as he felt. Yet he liked the sound of armour and weapons, besides she may be a tough old battle-axe, unlike the triplets. “Okay, let’s go see your grandmother.”

“We need Maude’s mirror.”

“For it’s magic.”

“To turn you into Grandmamma.”

“Very well. Let’s go to the workshop first.”

Off they traipsed once more, first to the workshop, where Maude sent the chests tracking back to their spots in the wagon, then down into the depths of the tree. It took a long time before they found themselves at a door with brass fittings. Opening the door, Nikki gestured them in, where Maude and Manny found another room which had holes to the outside, to let them see, meaning their eyes were drawn to the wall. There they saw the cause of Grandmamma’s indisposition, for hanging on the wall was a huge glob of clear sap, in which they could clearly see a pixie. She could have been one of the girls, if any of the three had pink veined wings, though she wore a long dress of brown material, had her hair in a sensible braid, and seemed in the midst of swinging a pick-axe. The sight was both mesmerizing and horrifying.

“Grandmamma was out harvesting sap.”

“She tapped into a tree’s heart line.”

“And poof, she got covered in all the sap.”

“But she had time to put herself into the deep sleep.”

“Now we just need to get her out of the sap.”

“Then we can wake her up.”

Maude, who had been studying the sap coated figure, suddenly stated, as much as asked, “She’s alive.”

“That’s what we said.”

“It would be mean to hang her here if she was dead.”

“And we love Grandmamma.”

“Aye, I can sense her beating heart, though it’s really slow. If you wish, I will ask some friends if they have an idea how to get her out of the sap.”

“That would be wonderful.”

“Super-duper wonderful.”

“Weeee, Grandmamma, she’s coming home.”

“Well now, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves. Besides we have other matters to deal with first. Let’s get the mirror set up and see if we can get a good image, happily the sap is clear so it should not cause a problem.”

It took a fair amount of fiddling, first getting the mirror to stand as high as it could on its legs, then having the three pixies lift their grandmother down from her hook, and hold her in front of the mirror, while ensuring only she and not them was not reflected in it. Only then did Maude nod in satisfaction and gesture for Manny to stand in front of the mirror. Nervously he did so.

He found it different this time, the mirror did not have the same allure it had held the other times he had stood in front of someone’s image. After a bit he guessed it was because of the eyes, it had been they, shining with life, which had drawn his attention and formed the link between his spirit and the form in the mirror. This time the eyes were closed, they held no ability to hypnotize. Yet he too could now sense life in the mirror’s reflection and so he became the pursuer, attempting to capture the elusive, physical essence of Grandmamma, while wondering if the effort was worthwhile, for she seemed little different than his current form. But just as he was about to back out, to find an excuse, he cornered the essence and pressed onwards. He was glad that he did, for the transition was not the instantaneous, superficial modification from Nikki to Nicky, instead it was almost as significant as going from Lirial to Nikki. Becoming Grandmamma felt like passing from adolescence into adulthood once more, strength and stability replacing weakness and fragility. Physically it was like comparing himself to when he had first left home and joined the Beige Baron’s regiment.

“Yes, yes this will definitely work better.”

“Manny?”

“The girls were right, their Grandmamma is a fighter.”

“Excellent.”

“Yay, us!”

“We were right?”

“Wow, that almost never happens.”

“You also mentioned armour and weapons, where can we find those. I should probably get in a bit of practice today as a pixie.”

“It’s in the next room.”

“Uhhh...I guess I have nothing to add.”

“Me neither.”

The next room proved to be Grandmamma’s workshop, full of many interesting things. Both Manny and Maude would have liked time to explore, but stayed focussed on important matters. The same could not be said for the pixies, as they darted about the room looking at favourite items until Maude brought their exploration to an end.

“Where’s the armour?”

“It’s in the cupboards.”

“We know all about it.”

“Grandmamma, always let us play with it.”

“Manny, you will have to remove your clothes.”

“In order to wear it.”

“We’ll get it for you.”

Glad that he would not be expected to fight in a dress Manny quickly got to work following this order. Naked, he tried to be a good boy and not stare at his figure, though he did ensure he got some looks and wished the mirror had followed them into the room. Meanwhile, Nikki brought Maude the first items for him to wear.

“Here are the underthings. They’re silk.”

Manny was impressed, he knew that anybody who could afford it wore silk underthings beneath their armour, since it left cleaner wounds. A lesson he had learned when a arrow, at skirmish during his third year, had bypassed his shield and his wound had become infected, which had left him in dreadful shape for over a month. Even after this, he had still not been able to afford it, though he had been more fortunate in the type of injuries he had experienced. He was looking forward to the luxury, but he was not prepared for the delicate little item she first handed him, a short skirt of pink silk with a white lace trim.

Seeing the look that appeared on his face, Maude tried to prevent an outburst. “You’re in for a real treat, Manny. These were made by a real master of the seamstrist school, in fact you could say the creator of the school, Moira Merster. See here’s her marking and just feel how soft this silk is, here put it on, you’ll just love it.”

Maude was right, he found the skirt was tremendously soft as he pulled it over his hips and tied it in place. But then he had never doubted that, he whispered his real problem to Maude. “Maude, it doesn’t even come within shouting distance of my knees.”

“Now, now, you’re exaggerating. It’s hardly shorter than the dresses that the girls wear and you were fine with wearing Nicky’s out to see the hornet messenger.”

“I wasn’t wearing it for fighting. And it is too shorter, a lot shorter.”

“Well lets not argue, besides it’s best if we don’t jump to conclusions about the final results.”

Watching the pixies removing more of the armour from cupboards and polishing it with cloths, Manny said, “Conclusions like how I’m going to end up looking like one of the top girls at the Leather and Lace Bordello in the Imperial City of Gogoheim?”

“Yes, conclusions exactly like that. Now put on the top, I know you’ll like it.”

With a look of distrust he took the offered garment, also of pink silk and white lace. Holding it up to see how to put it on, he offered her a frown, but he did not say anything. Instead he pulled it over his head, sticking arms through sleeveless holes, which left the bottom of the top hanging loosely until he buttoned it at his back, below his wings. Immediately upon doing this a smile crossed his face, he did not even care that a wide swath of his stomach was left bare between the waist of the skirt and the lace trim of the top.

Seeing the smile, Maude smugly said, “Like that, do you? I knew you would. Even those not as well endowed as you can appreciate a top that has a good spell of lift. Sadly, those Mistress Moira taught the spell to have been incredibly tight lipped about passing it on to anybody else. Maybe if I get a chance to study the top, I can work it out myself, which would definitely provide a boost to my business.”

Still pleased with his own boost he was receiving from the top, he hardly noticed the silken stockings that laced over his knees with a white ribbon. He then saw Nikki arrive with a pair of gaudy, pink leather, over-the-knee boots complete with heels as high and pointed as any he had worn that day, fashioned from pink-tinged sap. Deciding not to fight it, he sighed and reached out for one of the surprisingly upright boots. The reason for this became apparent as soon as he took it in and saw that sheets of sap had been molded and riveted to both the shin and the calf of the boot. Tapping his knuckles against the shingaurd, he asked, “What’s this for?”

“It’s armour, Silly.”

“Armour made out of sap?”

“Lady Melind’s family makes it, it’s really strong.”

Correctly interpreting his look as one of disbelief, Nicky growled, and moved to the table in the middle of the work room. Rummaging underneath it she found a mallet and wacked it down onto the boot, as hard as she could, shocking her sisters and Maude who had not been aware of the interplay between her and Manny. Although not totally convinced, he doubted Nicky was that strong, he decided that any added protection was worth the slight weight increase it caused.

“Okay, I believe you.”

This time his words did not phase Nicky. Instead a gleeful look had come into her eyes as she continued to pound on the boot, raising an even greater racket. Worse, her two sisters drifted towards her, the same look in their eyes. Maude, with the wisdom of parenthood, guessed what was about to happen and acted to nip it in the bud.

“Stop that infernal racket right now!”

“It wasn’t me.”

“I didn’t do it.”

“Drum ditty drum ditty drum drum drum.”

“That’s better. Now, Manny, why don’t you put on your boots, instead of letting Nicky play the little drummer girl with them.”

Cowed, probably more so than the pixies, Manny did not even protest that they were not his boots. Instead he took the second boot from Nicky and moved to sit upon a nearby stool, his blurring wings automatically coming to a stop as he settled on the seat. Pulling each boot up, to just below the top of his stockings, he stood, willing his wings to stay motionless. Stamping his feet a couple times, to ensure his feet were properly in place, he found the boots to be quite comfortable, despite the plates and heels of sap, proving the skill of the craftsmanship and the natural grace of a pixie. Bending over, he looked to see if there were any markings from Nicky’s hammering. Finding none, he curiously rapped his knuckles on the shingaurd, though he stopped immediately at a warning cough from the witch.

Next, Nikkee brought him an armoured kilt, made of overlapping strips of pink leather, each with plate of sap riveted to it. Strapping it around his waist he felt it fall in a solid comfortable weight to the lace trim of his underskirt. It actually was not that different than those worn by the Imperial Guard, though theirs was made of polished iron and worn over trousers, instead of showing an expanse of creamy leg. Yet, now that he made the comparison, he realized his kilt was not proportionally much shorter than the Guard’s, likely because if it were any longer it would be more cumbersome.

Satisfied, in spite of its appearance, he looked to see Nikki with the cuirass and matching gorget, made from the same pink dyed leather and molded sap sheets as everything else. Strapping the gorget around his neck, he tried to figure out how to put on the cuirass. Seeing the similarities to the silk top, which left his wings free, he lifted it over his head, pulled out his braid, settled it upon his shoulders, used the straps under the arms to firm up the fit and wrapped the hinged back plate around his torso, locking it in place with a metal pin chained to the leather. He then strapped a pair of matching vambraces around his forearms and pulled on a pair of gloves, the back of the hand and fingers being armoured. Testing the fit, he swung his torso, raised and lowered his arms, and flapped his wings, and found everything to fit perfectly, except for the swath of skin left bare around his stomach and back.

“Umm...so why the gap between the cuirass and kilt.”

“Well Grandmamma’s proud of her tummy.”

“She likes to show it off.”

“And its sexy!”

“Armour isn’t supposed to be sexy, it’s supposed to be functional.”

“It’s mostly functional.”

“Just a bit sexy.”

“You look hot, really hot!”

“Shhh...Nikkee. We’re trying to convince her it’s functional.”

“And you’re not helping.”

“Okay, I won’t mention that it’s really sexy.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Manny, that’s some super-functional pink armour you’re wearing.”

“That’s better.”

“See, Manny, even Nikkee agree.”

“Yeah, and I’m an id...Hey!”

Deciding it was best to accept it as is, since it was still better than anything he had ever worn, in spite of how it may make him look. However, one part seemed to be missing. “Is there a helmet?”

“Of course there is, but...”

“Nikkee lost it.”

“It’s not lost. It knows exactly where it is.”

“Well that’s helpful, isn’t it?”

“Real helpful, Nikkee.”

“Thank you, I try.”

“Well, I guess I can do without a helmet, but if you could look for it, I would really appreciate it.”

“Okay, Manny, we’ll look.”

“But we can’t promise anything.”

“We should get the helmet to help, it’ll know where to look.”

“How about weapons?”

“Oh, those aren’t lost.”

“Unless Nikkee has been playing with them.”

“I resent the multiplication.”

“Could, I see them?”

“We’ll get them.”

“Quick as a gopher.”

“Gophers are furry, but don’t fly like bats.”

“Umm...those are bow and arrows.”

“Sure are.”

“Real gooder ones too.”

“Poing, poing, goes the bow and arrow.”

“You can’t use a bow and arrow during a trial by combat.”

“Why not?”

“That’s stupid.”

“What, you have to wack at each other like idiots?”

“Well not like idiots, but it has to be a melee fight, it’s the rules.”

“Well that’s stupid.”

“Yeah, where do they find people to do that.”

“They must be real dunderheads.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Sorry, Manny, Grandmamma doesn’t have any melee weapons.”

“Yeah, ‘cause she’s not a dunderhead.”

Unsure if they realized they were insulting him, the one who had agreed to be their champion, he decided to ignore the three. “Maude, do you have some weapons I could use?”

“Well there’s your short sword.”

“What? I thought that had gone missing when you couldn’t change me back into me.”

“You’re not you?”

“Who are you?”

“And what did you do with Manny?”

“Never mind, girls. No, Manny, the mirror’s change magic only works on people, everything else is transported to a trunk in my wagon. Your sword, that nice suit I made for you, and the dress you were wearing earlier today are all inside of it.”

“But, why am I clothed after the change. Where do those come from?”

“Well I could give you a long technical explanation or we could just settle with the good ole standby of, it’s magic.”

“Magic it is. Okay, let’s get the sword so I can practice a bit.”

Arriving back at the wagon, Maude climbed aboard and began looking for the right chest. Finding it, she opened it to find Manny’s stuff, pulling out the sword, miniaturized complete with its sheath and belt, and handed it to him. In turn he tried to strap it around his waist.

“It’s too big.”

“Well you now have that trim waist of which Grandmamma is so proud.”

“What am I going to do?”

“Manny, what am I?”

“You’re a seam...oh, I get it. You can fix it for me, but I didn’t know you worked with leather.”

“To become a master seamstrist, such as I, you have to be able to work in all materials. Of course I can work with leather.”

“Okay, that will work, I guess.”

“Now what’s the problem?”

“I don’t really like the short sword?”

“Pardon?”

“I much prefer a shield and spear. Gives additional protection and you can attack from further away.”

“Why, if you prefer a shield and spear, did you show up for hire with a short sword?”

“Lots of reasons. It’s an unwieldy combination, particularly in towns and such, easier just to have your sword in your belt and let it hang there. They also makes you look like a soldier and everybody thinks their officers, so I was always getting ordered about, even by the idiots. And the shining sun knows there’s enough of them about. Besides, I get more respect when I wear a sword.”

“What about for fighting? Do you know how to use a sword?”

“Sure thing, I can swing it like nobody’s business, not that I have ever had to use it. It’s actually quite rare to run into bandits.”

Staring at him in a somewhat appalled fashion, Maude asked, “Are you telling me that I hired a sword bearing guard who’s useless with a sword?”

“I wouldn’t go that far, I’ve practiced a bit. Besides, you said you hired me to have someone for talking and that we’re perfectly safe.”

“Well you’re not safe now, are you?”

“Crap!”

“But I might have a solution.”

“You’re going to conjure me a spear and a shield?”

“I was thinking you could use one of my needles for a spear. Of course, not like they are now, shrunken like everything else, but if I go back down to the ground, some may be the right size.”

“Hey, that just might work. Let’s go.”

“You can’t ride the wagon down with me, Manny, it’ll turn you big again. We want to find a spear for current sized you, not full sized you. You’ll have to fly down to me.”

“Eeek...fly?” Manny asked, suddenly remembering his fear of heights.

“Manny, not yet.”

“You can’t go yet.”

“Not if Maude is going to become a biggie.”

“Why not?”

“She won’t be able to hear you.”

“Biggies think we talk too quietly.”

“They talk too loud.”

“Really loud, it hurts the ears.”

“But we can fix it.”

“We have ways to make them talk, quietly.”

“And make them hear you.”

“It’s pixie magic.”

“To the bat cave!”

“No, Nikkee, not the bat cave.”

“Back to the workshop.”

“We never go to the bat cave.”

“Okay girls, that sounds like a plan. You set up Manny with whatever is need to do, then come meet me on the ground.”

“Very well, Maude.”

“You can count on us.”

“One two three...”

“Nikkee, quit counting on Nicky.”

“It’s just an expression, Nikkee.”

“Heeheeheeheeheeeee”

With this, the group split up. Maude and the auroch heading towards the ground and the four pixies back into the tree. This time, having an idea where they were headed, Manny was able to remind the girls to turn towards the workshop, instead of continuing to the bat cave. Arriving, Nikkee looked around in a panicked manner.

“Oh no!”

“What’s wrong, Nikkee?”

“Are you okay, Nikkee?”

“Someone stole my dress.”

“Well, I see my dress.”

“And I see mine.”

“But where’s mine?”

“I bet it was the hornets.”

“Nasty hornets.”

“But why? They won’t be pretty in my pretty dress.”

Deciding it was time to resolve the imaginary catastrophe, while also seeing a chance to escape anymore mannequin work, Manny said, “I was wearing it when the hornet came, then I used the mirror to change, so it must be in Maude’s chest.”

“Oh, that’s good.”

“I was really worried for a moment.”

“You, what about me?”

“Okay, so now that we have solved that problem, how do we solve the communication issue.”

“The same way all problems should be solved.”

“With jewelry!”

“Me loves me some jewelry.”

“Jewelry? Really?”

“Of course.”

“Earrings to make it easier to hear.”

“And a tongue stud to make you louder.”

“What!”

“Can we pick them out for you.”

“We will pick out ones perfect for you.”

“And we have lots to choose from.”

“Umm...you know there’s this implication about tongue studs.”

“Yeah, Grandmamma told us all about it.”

“And we’d totally do it.”

“Big time, yeah.”

Once again feeling sadness at his own disappearance, he asked, “You would?”

“Totally, if I ever shouted a warcry.”

“I would want it to be really loud.”

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiiii!”

“Yeah...umm...I guess that makes sense.”

“Or did you mean about sucking a male’s thingee?”

“We’d totally do that too.”

“Except there’s none around.”

“Manny, are you okay?”

“Do you have a stomach ache.”

“Don’t throw up, ‘cause then I will too.”

“No, no, I’m fine. Yeah, go ahead and pick out something for me.”

Trying to get his breathing in order, he worked to quell the thoughts uppermost in his mind. Which, in turn, brought his fear of heights to the forefront, finally he drifted over to join the pixies who were looking in a jewelry chest. Immediately he spotted the set he least wanted to wear, a thought immediately followed by the realization that he would doubtless end up wearing them.

“The pink roses.”

“Oooh, definitely.”

“They’re pretty.”

Being proven clairvoyant did not make it easier to agree, yet he did so anyways. “Yeah, I guess. How do I put them on, won’t I need piercings?”

“We all have them.”

“We’ll help!”

“Unless you still want to throw up.”

“No, I’m not going to throw up. And, sure, I could use the help.”

Nikki was the first to prove that, like them, he did have the necessary piercings to accept the jewelry, when she screwed an earring to each ear. Then it was Nicky’s turn, for the slightly messier job of screwing in the tongue stud. This left Nikkee, standing with a eager look on her face, holding one last item.

“What’s that?”

“It’s for your belly button.”

“What’s it do?”

“Well, it’s pretty and it matches.”

“Then I don’t really need it?”

“Not really, but...poo, I hate going last.”

Sighing, for what felt like the hundredth time that day, Manny said, “Okay, okay, I’ll wear it.”

Soon a rose covered his unarmoured belly button, a pink stone sticking out of his tummy just above. It just kept getting worse, like he was caught in a current of girlyness that kept pulling him further and further away from shore. Each of the girls picked sets out for themselves and they flitted back to the entrance. Watching Nikki and Nicky leap out of the opening, Manny froze.

“What’s wrong, Manny?”

“Don’t you want to go see Maude?”

“Now are you going to throw up?”

“I might, see I’m afraid of heights.”

“But you’re a pixie.”

“We’re creatures of the sky.”

“Eeeewww, don’t throw up.”

“I’m not a pixie, I’m just pretending to be one.”

“You look like a pixie to me.”

“You’re pretty as a pixie.”

“You fly like a pixie.”

“Yeah, but the floor is right below our feet.”

“Just try it, Manny. You’ll see.”

“We’ll catch you if you fall.”

“Hey, over there, Maude’s back.”

Turning his head, he felt a push from behind, causing him to tumble out of the opening into space. Falling, he shouted. “Damnit! Nikkee you bi...hey, I’m flying. I’m really, really flying.”

“Of course you are.”

“You’re a pixie.”

“And so am I, not a bee.”

Of all that he had experienced, since arriving in the Land Beyond, flying was the most satisfying magical thing he had encountered. He absolutely loved it. And with Maude not having reach the bottom of the tree, he took the time to learn some tricks from the girls, chasing a butterfly with them, and flying to look in the hollow of the bat cave. While doing this he heard a shout from below, so leaving the other three, to continue their explorations, Manny zipped down to the wagon. There, hovering in front of Maude, he hesitated, feeling awed at how big she was.

That awe disappeared when Maude said, “Oooh, look at you, Manny. You’re just adorable.”

“See, I told you so, the Leather and Lace Bordello.”

“Oh no, Sweety, I’m thinking somewhere so exclusive you don’t even know the name of it. Barring that, maybe as some princess’ doll.”

“Very funny, but I’m here about some needles.”

“Very well. Let me get them out.”

She had a wide assortment, some still too small and others that were too large. In the end he found a leather stitching needled that was not quite as long as he was tall. It seemed a good weight and fit in his hand nicely. His only concern was with how slippery it seemed, which he mentioned to Maude. In answer to this, she took it from him and began tightly winding white thread around it to form a long, cord wrapped handle, before threading a length of silver thread through the bit of the hole left showing at the end and fashioning it into a lanyard with a sliding knot.

“Here try this. I’m thinking the lanyard will be handing since dropping it will be a bigger nuisance than normal.”

Tightening the lanyard around the wrist of his right glove, Manny tested out the improved version of his ‘spear’. He liked it, in fact he felt downright enthusiastic about it, asking, “How about a shield, do you have anything that would work as a shield?”

“How big does it need to be?”

“Well something that could cover me from my eyes to my knees would be idea, preferably rectangular, but I would settle for anything.”

“Let’s check out my button chest.”

The chest had hundreds of different buttons carved from bone, horn, and wood or shaped from metal and glass. Searching through its contents lead to many too bigs, too smalls, too rounds, too squares, too heavy, too flimsies, before they settled on one made of antler that was rectangular and slightly rounded, though shorter than he had hoped. Taking it from him, Maude went to work covering it with cloth and fashioning a loop and an handle to which he could hold on. Meanwhile Manny continued to rummage about in the chest, trying to find a better option.

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Nikkee thinks you made her a dress just like her sisters. She thought it was stolen, so I told her that I was wearing it and when I changed it ended up in the chest where my sword was. Can you make her one?”

“Of course. They always get the exact same thing, just different colours.”

“That’s good. Hmm, what’s this for?”

Looking over at what he was holding, Maude said, “It’s a thimble.”

“I know it’s a thimble, my mom has one. But why do you, you don’t need one.”

“Oh, it was just a item I picked up along the way out of amusement. Why?”

“Promise not to laugh?”

“Well, I can’t promise, but I will try.”

“I was wondering if I could use it as a helmet? Maude, you said you wouldn’t laugh.”

“Sorry, Manny. And really, what is more appropriate for a seamstrist then to have a guard who uses a needle for a spear, a button for a shield, and a thimble for a helmet.”

“Yeah, it’s stupid, isn’t it?”

“Kind of, but that’s the Land Beyond for you. Try it on, see if it fits.”

Staring from her to the thimble in his hands, a sour expression on his face, he finally lifted it over his head and began lowering it, and lowering it, and lowering it, until it completely encased his head. “imm tm bmm.”

“I can’t understand you, Manny.”

Lifting the thimble off of his head, he said, “It’s too big.”

“I can see that, do you want me to see if I can make a liner of some sort, so that it will fit?”

“Please. It may be silly, but better that than a hornet sting through the forehead.”

“Very true, I’ll see what I can do. Here try this out.”

Taking the button shield from her he tried it on for size and fit. “Excellent, Maude. You truly are a master seamstrist. And apparently armourist and weaponsmist.”

“Why thank you, Manny. Now you go practice, while your armourist tries to do something with your helmet.”

“Thank you, Maude. And sorry about holding you up on your journeys. It’s just that I couldn’t, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s the right thing to do, to try and help the sweet, little idiots. Now, shoo fly.”

“I’m not a fly, I’m a pixie, heeheeheeheee.”

“Not you too.”

“Just getting in character. Okay, I’m off. Call me when you’re ready for a fitting.”

A couple hours later, Manny had learned that despite their fragile appearance, pixies were strong little devils. He barely felt the weight of his shield and spear, even after a couple hours of practice, something not the case while he was in the regiment. With practice he had grown as comfortable as could be in the air. Maude had even come through to fashion the thimble into a helmet, creating a leather cap onto which the thimble was buckled. Settling it onto his head, Manny had to smile, he liked it, it’s ludicrous appearance going a long way to offsetting the girlish perfection of the rest of his armour. He decided that he was ready as he could be for his fight with the hornet champion.

By this time the sun had started to sink to the ground. Maude, having packed all of her things away, said, “Well I guess I better set up my tent.”

“You can’t do that.”

“You’re our guest.”

“We prepared a guest room.”

“It’s the right thing to do, since you’re helping us.”

“That’s what Mamma would say, if she weren’t away.”

“And Grandmamma if she weren’t in sap.”

“We’ll make supper.”

“Yummy griddle cakes and maple syrup.”

“With honey mead.”

“And breakfast.”

“Yummy griddle cakes and maple syrup.”

“With honey mead.”

“Well, I suppose it would be nice to sleep on the ground. Specially for Manny, who needs a good sleep.”

“Manny can sleep with me.”

“No with me.”

“I think she likes me the best.”

“Eeeep!”

“That’s okay, girls, I think it best that Manny stays with me tonight.”

“But Manny’s our champion.”

“The stories say the damsels should reward the champions.”

“We’re the damsels, right?”

“Glurk!”

“You’re supposed to wait until you’re rescued before you all reward your champion.”

“Well actually in some parts of the world they reward their champions both before and after.” Manny thoughtfully added.

“Now, Manny, you’re just making it up. I think it is best to stay with the tried and true method.”

“But, but, okay. Let’s stick to the tried and true method despite at least half of the champions never live to get their reward.”

“I knew you would see it my way.”

“Yay! A party tomorrow night.”

“We can wear our new dresses.”

“You can maybe, but mine was stolen.”

“I’ll make you a new dress, Nikkee.”

“You will? You’re super nice for witch. Maude.”

“Can you make one for Manny too?”

“Guessing she’ll want it in pink, look at her.”

“It can be our surprise.”

Winking at Manny, Maude said, “Of course I will. She won’t expect a thing.”

“Uhh-sighhhh.”

With these plan’s in place, the girls flew off to make supper. Meanwhile, Maude and a grumpy auroch began one more trip up the tree, the seamstrist asking Manny to fly along and keep her company, though he suspected it was to keep him from being alone with the girls. They then ate the most delicious meal he had ever eaten, though Maude found it too sweet, before finding their room as darkness settled within the tree. There Manny found himself unready for sleep, his nerves of about the upcoming fight and his anticipation of the celebration, combined with the affects of the meal he had devoured, left him too excited. While he energetically flitted about the room, Maude watching half in worry and half in amusement, that there was a knock on the door.

Intercepting him, Maude said, “I’ll see who it is. Hello Nikki.”

“Umm, hello Maude, can I speak to Manny?”

“She’s trying to sleep, Nikki.”

“Ohh, well I brought her a night gown, for sleeping.”

“That’s nice of you, Nikki, is there anything else?”

“Umm, I guess not, good night.”

“Good night, Nikki, see you tomorrow.”

“What did Nikki want, Maude?”

“She brought you a nightgown.”

“Woah, it’s see through. She should wear it to the party tomorrow night, ‘cause I’m not wearing it.”

“Well you can’t wear your armour.”

“I was going to sleep in the underthings.”

“That doesn’t make sense, now when something else is available.”

“It does to, specially if the only thing available is that.”

“Really, Manny, are you going to make me twist your arm? Because I can if you want.”

“If it will make you happy.”

While pulling off his boots, there came another knock on the door. Again Maude reacted first. “Hello Nicky, I see you have a nightgown.”

“Yeah, I was thinking that Manny would need one.”

“That’s sweet, but Nikki already brought her one. Is there anything else?”

“Umm, I guess not, good night.”

“Good night, Nicky, see you tomorrow.”

Not long after, Manny still in the midst of removing his armour, there came a third knock. Rolling her eyes, Maude answered the door one more time. “No, Nikkee, Manny does not need a nightgown, he already has one.”

“Oh? That’s good, because I didn’t bring one.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I wanted to let make sure that Manny when we said sleep, we meant wink wink nudge nudge sleep.

“Manny understood that, Nikkee.”

“Okay, but if she changed her mind about the pre-reward wink wink nudge nudge sleep, I’m still available.”

“Eeep!”

“No she has not, Nikkee. Now good night.”

“Actually, I have changed my mind.”

“Was that Manny?”

“No it was not, now I really think it is time for everybody to get to sleep.”

Closing the door, she turned toward Manny, who stood wide-eyed with his fingers resting upon the buckle of his kilt. Favouring him with a frown, Maude asked, “Is there something you would like to say, Missy?”

Correctly interpreting the danger in Maude’s fed-up tone, Manny meekly shook his head, before finishing getting ready for bed. However, once in the barely visible nightgown, he dared to ask, “What about my wings?”

“What about them?”

“Won’t they bend or break?”

“Well if we are to guess, based upon the girl’s enthusiasm about getting you into their beds, I would say no.”

“Umm...okay.”

Pulling back the blankets, he climbed in, and gingerly lay upon his back. Finding his wings bending easily to accommodate his movement, he decided not to worry. Maude pulled the blankets over him and gently brushing his forehead, said, “Now you sleep. I am going to stand guard against those sex-starved idiots.”

Manny barely had time to wonder if she considered him a member of that club before the magic in her touch put him to sleep.

***

The spell was a potent one, throughout the night he barely moved, locked in the deepest of slumbers. Nor did he waken until the morning sun cast its rays, through a hole bored into the tree’s trunk, upon his face. Sitting, he stretched and found himself reminded of his situation.

“Ahh, crap.”

“Manny, I see you’re awake. Did you sleep well?”

“I did, thanks to you.” Noticing that she sat on a chair, surrounded by a number of her chests, he asked, “How about you, did you sleep at all?”

“A few winks, but I was not feeling tired, so there was not much need. Besides sometimes I like the quiet of the night, so I summoned my chests and worked on some projects. For instance, I needed to put together Nikkee and your dresses for the party, now that you’re awake we can assure the fit for both of them.”

“Ahh...I doubt that is necessary, Maude. You’re too good to make a mistake.”

“Why thank you for that, Manny. But don’t you want to see how you look?”

“I can live with being surprised.”

Smiling at his lack of enthusiasm, Maude said, “I also did some finishing work on your helmet and shield. I also spent some time examining that silk top, I think I have an idea on how the spell of lift works, but will need to do some experimenting. Finally, I made you these.”

Looking in confusion at what she was holding, Manny finally asked, “What good are trousers without legs?”

“They’re not trousers, they’re short pants. Although everybody just shorten it to shants, after all when you’re wearing them, people shant be seeing your privates. And when you’re wearing a skirt as short as you will be, they’re necessary.”

“Oh!” Manny said, blushing as he remembered Nikkee flying above him to get shoes. “But why make them so frilly?”

“Well, it only makes sense to have them match the rest of the things you wear under your armour. Now, enough talk, it’s time for you to get out of bed and to start getting ready.”

“Yeah, I guess. Though I have half a mind to sneak out of here and ignore the entire thing.”

“But?”

“But then I would feel like a complete cad. I guess I’ll go through it after all.”

“Of course you will, otherwise you wouldn’t be you.”

“What, a fool?”

“No, just a nice guy who got in above his head and is trying to make the best of it.”

“Blame it on my parents, I wanted to become a black-hearted scoundrel, but they refused to pay the tuition to the scoundrel school. Oh well, I guess there’s no way but forward. Can you throw me the shants, please? I could do without the distraction of yesterday’s breeze.”

With Maude serving as his squire, Manny once more dressed in Grandmamma’s armour, though this time being more careful to ensure buckles were properly fashioned and that everything fit properly. It did, the only problems remained its revealing nature and its colour. Though when he thought about it, Manny realized it was not much worse than the robin’s egg blue worn by the troops of Jadlanth, who never seemed bothered by the snide comments and were absolutely terrifying in battle. Besides, he doubted that he would care how it looked during a fight if it lived up to the protection implied by Nicky’s drumming upon it with a hammer.

Having almost convinced himself that substance made up for the style, now was a perfect opportunity for Maude to say, “Too bad you’re fighting a bug, Manny. If it was a man, he’d take one look at you, then trip over his tongue. Which would allow you an opportunity to stab him with your needle while he thought about stabbing you with his.”

“Maude!”

“Well I did say it’s not the case and can tell you that it would be more enjoyable than being stabbed by a giant hornet’s needle.”

“I would prefer not to be stabbed by anybody’s needle, speaking of which, where’s my thimble?”

“You mean your helmet? Here it is, I fixed it up a bit, do you like it?”

He noticed a hopeful tone in her question and seeing what she had done to her helmet, he could guess why. His recent enthusiasm, since Grunhilda’s, having been nonexistent, Maude likely assumed he would be no happier about the white canvas helmet covering upon which she had created a crest, in needlework, of a pink rose with a green stem complete with thorns. However, he liked it, not only was it beautifully done, but his favourite contract had been while fighting for the Vicountess of Kinelle, who had insisted on a similar rose crest, though red in colour.

“It’s beautiful, Maude, though it may be a bit to delicate to stay that way in a fight.”

“Don’t worry about that, Manny, it kept me occupied. But I’m glad you like it, because I also did it to your shield.”

“Yeah, I like it. Have you seen Nikki, Nicky, and Nikkee?”

“They were by earlier, but I sent them on their way to let you finish sleeping. Though maybe I was a bit harsh with them, in making sure they truly understood your situation.”

“Oh.”

“But hopefully they will forget my tone, just like they forgot to try and find the helmet that goes with your armour.”

“That’s okay, I like this helmet. Though it’s kind of hot, so I don’t want to put it on until necessary. Could you carry it while I take the spear and shield?”

“Gladly, let’s go get breakfast. You’ll like it, more griddle-cakes and maple syrup.”

“Excellent, do you remember how to get to the kitchen?”

“Yes, follow me.”

“Manny!”

“Manny!”

“Manny!”

Before he had time to respond, he was once more engulfed in crying pixieness.

“Oh, Manny!”

“You’re so brave.”

“And strong.”

“And wonderful.”

“While we’re so selfish.”

“Caring only about ourselves.”

“Unaware of the plight of others.”

“Don’t go, we don’t need this tree.”

“We can find another, make it our new home.”

Looking over his shoulder at a somewhat embarrassed looking Maude, he realized that they had not forgotten her words and that it was up to him to paint the brave face on their picture. “Now, now, don’t be carrying on so. It’s not like I’m a beginner at this type of thing and with your Grandmamma’s excellent armour and Maude’s shield and spear, I’m as well prepared as any day in which I have fought. Now dry your eyes and let’s have breakfast. I was promised griddle-cakes and you know how much I like those.”

“Sniff, you ate a lot last night.”

“Sniff, we were surprised you could still fly.”

“Sniff, I was surprised you didn’t throw up.”

“Well I would really like some more, with syrup and honey mead.”

“I’ll get the cakes.”

“I’ll get the syrup.”

“I’ll get the honey mead.”

For the rest of the breakfast he was pampered and doted upon worse than during his last breakfast before he had first gone to war. Though in this case worse was much better, for as much as he loved his mother, maybe more than any other, she did not make his heart go pitter patter as it skipped out of the way of the lust bunnies hopping about in his chest, howling in a most unbunny-like fashion. Alas, it could not continue, for they ran out of maple syrup.

Finding the griddle-cakes lost much of their allure when not drenched in that sweet goodness, Manny decided he could delay no longer. “Well that was delicious, but I guess it’s time to go see if the hornet champion will show up.”

“Maybe it will be scared.”

“Or get lost.”

“Nah, it’ll show.”

Manny suspected Nikkee was right; however, when they arrived at the entrance there were no hornets in sight. Heartened for a moment, he then spotted something in the distance, pointed to it, and said, “Here it comes.”

“That’s not a hornet, that’s Delia.”

“She’s the Duchess’ right hand pixie.”

“Oh, I’m sure the Duchess uses more than her right hand.”

“The Duchess leaves her in charge.”

“When the Mammas go hunting.”

“Like her left hand and her lips and her teeth and her...”

“Hopefully she can bring an end to this nonsense.” Maude said, cutting of the glassy eyed pixie’s anatomical recital.

By this point Manny was able to gain a better appreciation for the approaching pixie, who was just as gorgeous as his companions. With black hair and accented wings to match, she wore a skintight dress of black and white vertical stripes, its skirt as short as his own. Once more he found himself considering that male pixies must be crazy.

Landing before them, Delia performed a delightful shimmy-wiggle while pulling at the bottom of her skirt and said, “Why didn’t you idiots send me a message about what is going on, instead of making me hear it from a passing robin? Oh good, you’ve gotten Tinka out of her sappen prison.”

“It’s not Grandmamma, Delia.”

“It’s Manny.”

“She’s our champion.”

“She’s just been magicked to look like Grandmamma.”

“By Maude’s magic mirror.”

“She’s actually a biggie.”

“Well if you were going to get a biggie to fight your battles, why did you shrink her? She would have found it much easier to swat the bug if she were full size.”

“What?” Manny and Maude asked, in a shout, at nearly the same instance.

“That’s allowed?”

“Wow, we didn’t know that.”

“We should have done that.”

“I don’t see why not? If the robin heard right, the hornet only specified that your champion would meet their champion, they didn’t specify who the champion had to be.”

“Maude, get your mirror, I’ll hook up the wagon.”

“Let’s hurry.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to take your excellent advice and squash the bug’s ass as a full sized human. How much time do you think we have?”

“About 2 minutes, for I see the hornets approaching now.”

“Crap!”

“Crap!”

“Eeeek, look at the size of that thing.”

“It dwarfs the others.”

“It’s the size of a bat.”

Spotting what he guessed to be the champion hornet, one nearly twice his current size, Manny said, By the sins of my fathers, how am I going to kill that thing?”

“Don’t ask me, I always kill bugs with a book, a really thick book.” Maude said.

“We always use bows against hornets, though of course that is not allowed for this fight.”

“Stick it with spear.”

“Bash it with your shield.”

“Stomp it with your heels.”

“Umm...sure thing, I’ll get right on that. Uhh...well I guess it is time, wish me luck.”

“Good luck, Manny.”

“Good luck.”

“Good luck.”

“Kick it in the head, Manny.”

“Worry not, girls, the Duchess will not stand for these upstart hornets, I have sent notice for her to return. So even if your champion dies, and she surely will if I am any judge of the situation, you will not be out of your home long before our forces seek revenge.”

“Not helping!”

“Oh, sorry, I did not realize you were near enough to hear.”

“I hadn’t even moved.”

“So I now see, my apology. What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching. The Beige Baron always had us stretch before battle, though I was never this stretchy before.”

“Who? And why?”

“My former commander. He taught that stretching spreads a trooper’s warrior spirit, which resides in the heart, throughout the entire body.”

“That makes sense, so how much longer will it take? We really should be going.

“Are you coming along to offer me a stirring pep talk?”

“I’m acting as the pixie referee in this matter.”

“Let me get my helmet on first. Okay, I guess I’m ready.”

As the short skirted duo left the comfort of the tree, the giant hornet and a regular sized companion moved out in front of their pack. Staring in mounting horror at the monster he was about to face, Manny hopefully said, “It looks like it’s drooling, maybe it’s stupid.”

“Nay, I think what you are seeing are the leftovers from its last meal.”

“Would it hurt to be just a bit more positive?”

“I’ll try to come up with something positive. Let’s see, how about...no that’s not good...maybe...no not that either...oh, I know. That’s a nice thimble you’re wearing on your head.”

Fortunately they were almost even with the hornets, so he was spared answering the pessimistic sexpot, instead he asked, “Do you happen to speak hornet?”

“Of course I do, do you need me to translate?”

“Please.”

While the large hornet stared hungrily at the two of them, the smaller hornet, probably the same as the day before, had its speech translated by Delia. “The Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls, Ruler of Hive Kjfldjsjhdfkd and its surrounding territory once more offers you clemency if you vacate her property.”

“Tell it no.”

“I do know what I am doing.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“The Duchess of Pretty Tree Forest disputes your mistress’ claim.”

“Pretty Tree Forest?”

“What, you expect us to call it The Forest of Perpetual Gloominess, like you biggies? That’s a stupid name.”

“Actually, now that you mention it, I do think I prefer fighting for Pretty Tree Forest. Ooops, the bug’s speaking again.”

“Then prepare to meet your doom, for Lord Cyrus, the Empress Fgdjdihsdkehkls consort, challenges your champion to prove who, by the ancient right of combat, is right in their claim.”

“So be it, Manny of the Pink Rose answers your challenge to the inhabitants of Tree Tinka and all of Pretty Tree Forest. Time to prepare for battle, Manny.”

Flitting backwards, Manny checked his helmet, brought his shield in front of his body, firmly grasped his spear, and nodded his head. Checking with the hornet judge, Celia said, “Remember, no attacking the wings. Ready? Ready?” Then clapping her hands together, she pointed to the space between the two combatants, and, in a surprisingly deep voice, shouted. “Get it on!”

The hornet was ready for the command, for hardly had the sound of Celia’s shout came to an end before it put down its head and charged like a bull. Manny did not even try to get his spear pointed at the onrushing monster, instead he made himself as small as possible behind his shield. It hit, dead in the centre of the shield, stopping it, but causing Manny to be flung, heals over head, backwards.

“Oooh, nice shants, Manny.”

“Very pretty.”

“I don’t like shants.”

“We know, Nikkee.”

“Everybody knows.”

“I like the breeze.”

Ignoring the babble behind him, Manny struggled to regain control, finally righting himself with blurring wings. This did not come a moment too soon, for the hornet, though initially stunned by the impact, was once again charging towards him. The result was the same. And again. And again. Fighting dizziness, Manny knew he needed to change things up, thus when the hornet next approached he swooped into a dive, out of its path. Repeating this maneuver, after the hornet had stopped and reversed its charge, he saw that the oversized beast did not appear as nimble as he, though on the third try he heard and felt its stinger clang off his helmet.

They had reached an impasse, after the initial phase had allowed them to feel each other out. With the hornet hovering in front of him, not attacking, Manny darted forward to spear it with his needle, but it reacted by swinging its abdomen at him, its stinger knocking aside his thrust.

“Yay, Manny. Float like butterfly.”

“Sting like a bee.”

“I heard that a single hornet can kill 40 bees per minute.”

“Ahh...sting like a hornet.”

“But don’t get stung by one.”

“Don’t pretend you’re a bee.”

He was finding it impossible to sting like anything, the hornet’s fencing ability with its stinger proving as good as his own shield defense. So for a time the clearing was filled with the sound of snicks, as the bug parried Manny’s attacks, and thunks as Manny blocked its attacks. After one such swipe of its stinger the hornet did not retreat, instead it pounced upon Manny’s shield, its front legs trying to pull it down and expose its prey.

Desperately Manny tried to hold the button shield in place, straining against the furious scrambling of legs, deafened by its hornetiacal rattling. Losing the battle of strength and, worried only about defense, he dropped his spear, to hang from its tether around his wrist, and grabbed the handle of his shield with his second hand. Yet even with this reinforcement his shield dropped lower, the hornet’s hideous visage beginning to peek above the rim of his shield. Then he saw the tip of its terrible mandible. Instinctively he lowered his head, just in time, as the beast thrust towards his own face, but only succeeded in mauling the canvas covering of the thimble.

Meanwhile the flexible creature was trying to bend its abdomen around the bottom of his shield, its stinger rattling against the armoured plates of sap, riveted to his boots. In turn he kicked back with panicked energy, until one of the kicks connected and he felt the heel of his boot sink into its side. Having drawn first ichor, he found a rhythm, drawing his legs up in protection until he felt it strike, then kicking out with both feet. As his attacks impacted again and again, it grew easier to defend the mauling attack against his shield and helmet.

Finally the hornet had enough, Manny felt the pressure let up even further, noticed the end of its stinger attacks, and felt the weight disappear from his shield. Yet before he could raise his lowered helmet, to spot how far it moved, he felt a sudden burst of pain as its abdomen whipped around the edge of his shield and grazed his upper arm, unprotected in the armour of an archer, who would find spaulders a nuisance.

Grateful that it had not hit square, as even the scratch made his arm begin to weaken, he struggled to raise his shield back into defensive position while working to get his hand wrapped once more around the threaded handle of his hanging spear. At the same time the hornet was shaking its abdomen, seeming to test that everything worked properly. Nor did either spring to attack after finalizing their checks, instead the two combatants wearily circled each other, each trying to regain his wind. However, the longer the wait, the heavier the shield became, Manny felt he needed to do something soon.

As ichor dripped from five stiletto shaped holes in its torso, the hornet again darted forward in a charge and again Manny swooped down out of its way. Turning about, it came onwards once more, though Manny noticed that this time it moved slower than before. Wondering if it was a trap or weakness, he decided on the former and so, instead of diving downwards, shot upwards as it approached.

A good thing he did, as the hornet’s speed allowed it to drop and swing its cruel stinger at the space where it expected Manny to be. Yet this attack left it motionless, hovering beneath Manny, who did not think before acting.

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!

Shouting the warcry of the pixies, he let the air out of his wings and dropped, spear and heel first onto the hornet’s abdomen. As one heel and the spear sunk into it body, he swung his other foot hard against the side, his heel acting almost as a stirrup as it stabbed into its side. Now it was the hornets turn to panic, causing it to dart about, up and down, around in a circle, bucking and bouncing, trying to remove the rider from its back. It would have been enough if Manny had not had wings of his own, allowing him to match the rhythm of his mount, maintaining his spot on the back of the beast. Growing more secure in his position, he dragged the heel of the first boot from the top of the hornet’s abdomen and pounded it into the opposite side from his other foot, almost locking him into place.

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!

Drawing power from the warcry, even as his left arm drooped, the shield hanging at his side, he yanked the spear out of the hornet.

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!

Using his full strength he slammed the spear down at the connection between the insect’s thorax and abdomen.

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!

Yank!

“KiYiiYiiYiiiiii!

Thrust!

Again and again, like a madman possessed he repeated this motion, trying to sever the connection, though missing as often as he hit, the hornet’s attempts to dislodge him growing more frantic. And then it happened, one thrust, following another found only air. The hornet’s thorax, separated from its tail end, tumbled end over end towards the ground, its furiously flapping wings only causing it to spin faster as it fell.

Watching his foe crash upon the ground, Manny waited for it to rise into the air, to challenge him once again. But it did not, righting itself and trying to fly, it could only lift itself a few finger widths before tumbling again to the ground.

“The winner, by technical knock out of the sky, is Manny the Piiiiiiiink Rose!”

Slowly spinning in place, he spotted Delia looking at the hornet spokesman and snarling. “What? You can’t try and dispute that your champion lost? Look at it, it can’t even fly anymore and we pixies don’t worry about things grubbing on the ground.”

The smaller hornet did not answer, instead it looked downwards at its lord, then turned and flew towards the other hornets. Reaching them it continued on its way, the rest following and ignoring their champion, who they had once served in any manner necessary.

“I won?”

“You won!”

“ummm...yeah, yay.”

“Manny!”

“Manny!”

“Yay, Manny!”

“You won!.”

“You are so brave.”

“And wonderful.”

“We were scared.”

“But we had confidence in you.”

“Not me, but yay, Manny!”

Welcoming the swarm, which helped hold him in the air as he felt his warrior spirit draining away in hurt and tiredness. “Can you help me back to the tree?”

Still shouting cheers, hugging him, and kissing him in a celebratory fashion, the three hauled him to the tree, allowing him to settle in front of a worried looking Maude. Looking directly at her, he said, “I don’t feel good.”

He then passed out at her feet.

“Oh no, she was stung by the hornet.”

“That’s not good.”

“She’s going to die!”

“It’s just a hornet sting.”

“Sure, maybe to a biggie like you.”

“But Manny’s a pixie.”

“A hornet sting killed our Aunt Julia.”

“Oh no, this is really not good. We need to do something.”

“We could cover her in sap.”

“Then wait for hornet poison antidote to be discovered.”

“By our brilliant offspring.”

“Exactly!”

“That’s a brilliant idea, Nikki.”

“It really is, Nikki.”

“Well you know what Mamma always says.”

“Push, don’t pull the door open, Nicky.”

“How did you get your head stuck in the window, Nikkee?”

“No, neither of those.”

“No, you can’t use Grandmamma as a sled.”

“How did you get your head stuck in the drawer, Nikkee?”

“No, not those either.”

“What then?.”

“How did you get your head stuck in the mole hole, Nikkee?”

“If you only have one good idea a year, make it brilliant.”

“Oh, right. Mamma’s smart.”

“I’m saving all my good ideas for a super-brilliant one.”

“We’re not going to cover Manny in sap, but I do have an idea. Lay her comfortably in the back of the wagon.”

“You have a magic healing wagon?”

“That is, like, so amazing.”

“I once got my head stuck in the spokes of a wagon wheel.”

“Then stay away from the wheels when you carry Manny aboard. Meanwhile, I will hook up Andy to the wagon.”

“Who’s Andy?”

“Is it some magical healing wagoneer?”

“Is he hunky?”

“It’s the auroch.”

“Oh.”

“Ummm...that’s kind of disappointing.”

“Andy Auroch is not absolutely amazing apparently.”

“I’m going to turn Manny back into a biggie.”

“Ehhh? Well that might work.”

“I kind of prefer the sap treatment though.”

“Then we can take Manny sledding with us.”

Maude had quit listening to them, while she finished getting Andy hooked to her wagon. Climbing aboard the seat, she gathered the reins, and shouted. “Heeyawble!”

Like a hippo chariot at a hippodrome they were off, careening in a circle before diving over the edge of the opening, Andy’s feet and the wagon’s wheels firmly planted on the magical road. Watching it dash out of sight, the three pixies started to give chase, but were brought up short by a shout from Delia.

“Where do you think you are going?”

“With Manny.”

“And Maude.”

“Andy And. Heeheeheehee.”

“No you are not. You were about to go and get some clothes to take with you when you come back to the Duchess’ tree with me.”

“But?”

“But?”

“Do you have a bat cave?”

“I don’t trust those hornets. I want you and all the other girls in the forest under my protection until your mammas get home.”

“We can have a party.”

“We can wear our new dresses.”

“Girls, Girls, Girls. Dancin’ down at Duchess Tree.”

“Well of course we’ll have a party.”

Already forgotten, more important pixie matters having come up, the heroes of the tale continued to thunder down the tree. Nothing like the sedate pace of the day before, causing Maude to bounce about and Andy to bellow his urgency. Swooping onto the root, the wagon wheel’s temporarily bouncing off the path, Andy raced to the end of the root. A heaving thudding sound of his hoofs signifying when they reached their destination.

Pulling the wagon to a stop, Maude scrambled into the back of the wagon, searching through chests. Finding ointments and a clean cloth, she kneeled beside the unconscious Manny, removed his shield - grown along with the spear and thimble just like everything else - and began cleaning his wound. Hearing him moan as she did so, she sighed in realization that they were in time. “Manny, Manny, wake up dear. Wake up.”

“Uhhhhhnn.”

“Manny, wake up, Manny.”

“Was happen’?”

“You passed out from a hornet sting.”

“Arm sore, weak.”

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Uhhhhnn, ummm, yeah I am! How’d do that?””

“I biggiefied you. Now can you sit up.”

“I think so. Hey, I’m still a pixie.”

“Well, I think more of a bigxie now.”

He did not laugh at her joke, instead he looked at the shield laying beside him and the tattered rose that remained. Distractedly removing the loop of the spear from his wrist, he dropped it beside the shield, then reached to remove the helmet, finding its covering in as bad of shape as the shield’s. Surprised with how good of job his make shift items had done, he thought about the ferocious enemy he had fought. Carefully, testing, he flapped his wings, feeling them quickly settle into the blur that lifted him to hover in the air, above the wagon. Looking about, that looking so different now that he been returned to normal size, his eyes settled upon something on the ground not too far away.

Flying in that direction, he looked down at all that remained of the once horrific Lord Cyrus. Still stubbornly alive the bug periodically rattled into action, somehow finding its way to its feet, trying to launch itself into the air, and failing. Settling upon his perfectly comfortable high-heeled feet, Manny took a couple of steps, settled a boot atop the hornet, and pressed.

Pop!

Wiping the bottom of his boot off on some grass, Manny said, “Well I guess that is the end of that. Shall we head back into the tree?”

“Oh, we can’t do that.”

“What?”

“Well if you shrink again, the hornet’s poison will kill you.”

“What? But...but...the party...my reward...the girls.”

“Well if you would rather go to a party or survive?”

“Ahh, crap.”

“But I think you should keep Grandmamma Tinka’s armour as a reward, since she doesn’t currently need it, whereas you can make good use of it.”

“You think I should stay in pixie form? I thought I would change back to looking like Lirial, unless we can head back to your cabin and change me back into me.”

“You know very well we can’t do that, not if we hope to stick to our schedule and our extended stay here already put that in jeopardy.”

“I guess it’s time to go back to being Lirial.”

“Well, Manny, you know I kind of find it awkward. The last time I saw Lirial was before she started into her evil witch phase and I really miss her. Seeing you, looking exactly like her, is a constant reminder of her absence. I thought I could handle it better than I have.”

“But look at me, Maude.”

“Why whatever is the matter with how you look? You’re look like some gorgeous Amazon.”

“But I don’t want to look like some gorgeous Amazon, I want to look normal.”

“I can understand that, Manny. But there is also a practical reason for you to stay this way, for having proven yourself once more as a fighter, you can return to doing the job for which I am paying you, being my guard.”

“I suppose so.”

“And you were raving last night about flying, which will allow you to scout ahead, particularly when you get tired of hearing me talk.”

Manny had to admit that there was much he liked about this body, specifically its athleticism and strength. In it he felt grown up, still hugely different than himself, but closer than he felt as Lirial. If only he was not so unique looking. “I don’t know, Maude. I look rather unusual.”

“Manny, we’re in the Land Beyond, it’s full of strange looking individuals.”

“It is?”

“Of course it is.”

“In that case I think I will try out this form for awhile, though I don’t promise to keep it.”

“Excellent. Do you want to scout ahead?”

“Actually I think I would prefer to ride for now, the fight took a lot out of me.”

“Then hop aboard and we will get on our way.”

Flying to the wagon seat, he flipped his armoured kilt out of the way, having found out the previous day how uncomfortable it made sitting, and settled on the seat, his underskirt and shants mostly protecting his thighs. Offering Maude a hand up, beside him, his wings almost seeming to hug her, they got under way. Neither of them spoke for awhile, Maude lost in her own thoughts and Manny drifting towards sleep.

“I’m really sorry that you were unable to get your reward from the pixies, I know how desperately you were looking forward to it.”

“Hmm? Oh, well I’m just not lucky enough to have actually had that happen. I should have known all along that some twist of fate would keep me out of their arms.”

“Still, I’m sure you are frustrated, so I thought when we reached Hillsvalley tonight, I would buy you a snake and get you your own room for the night.”

“A snake, what would I want a snake for?”

“Well not a real snake. I mean one of the ones that the Priestesses of Volupe carve from ivory, then sale throughout the Land Beyond. And you definitely want to get one made by them, since they imbue them with the spirit of a rattlesnake, so that it vibrates.”

“I still don’t understand why I would want a snake, fake or real.”

“Manny, I thought someone your age would know about the Snakes and Nests.”

“What?”

“Well it’s chapter #3 of the 27 Things You Must Know in Elmadine’s book. But since we have the rest of the day left for traveling, I may as well explain it to you. Of course snake and nests are just metaphorical with the snake being the man and...”

Suddenly Manny put two and two together and got ‘I can’t believe she’s talking about this.’ He would have launched himself into the air to escape, except for the post-battle exhaustion he felt. So reaching behind him, he picked up his thimble helmet and unbuckled the sweat soaked leather cap. Pulling it out and laying it upon a chest in the wagon bed, he then lifted the thimble before lowered it, completely covering his head.

“...while the nest is the woman. Now as you probably know, snakes are always trying to find warm places in which to nest, well a man is no different. However, instead of vegetation or holes dug in the ground, he mmmmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm.”

The End, for Now!

Midway through his contract to guard Maude the Seamstrist, as she travels the Land Beyond creating beautiful clothes, Manny daily found himself wishing he had never crossed the bridge and accepted her offer. Admittedly, he had grown to like the talkative witch; however, strange things happened around her. Worse, those strange things seemed to happen too him. First trapping him in the body of Maude’s daughter, Lirial, then as a gorgeous, amazonian sized pixie. He could definitely use a quiet day off by himself. But will the most dastardly band of villains (on a skill testing exam, the only band of villains would also be acceptable) in the mountains have different ideas.

Dun-dun-dunnnn.

In this Land
by Arcie Emm

“Are you sure you don’t need you to come, Maude? It’s my job.”

“No, no, Manny, really I think it is better that I visit Baronette Asudem on my own. It’s not that I don’t enjoy your company, what with Andy being such a poor conversationalist, but a visit to the Baronette is often quite hard on her guests. Literally.”

“Huh?”

“Well, see, Baronette Asudem is a gorgon, looking at her turns a person into stone. Which is really too bad, she has a remarkable figure, admittedly not quite as remarkable as yours, but she still wears clothes magnificently. True, having snakes for hair is somewhat offputting, but that`s why I am able to sell her so many pretty hats.”

Having settled, over the last few weeks, upon the manly strategy of trying to ignore his transformation, hoping Maude was right in her belief she could turn him back into himself, Manny was more than able to ignore her casual mention of his appearance. Instead he asked, “If looking at her turns a person to stone, how do you do it?”

“Well I had some gorgles made up. Obscenely expensive, but when wearing them I have no fear of being turned into a statue and I have more than made back my investment.”

“Do you have a second pair?”

“Oh goodness me, no. The first pair left Lirial and I on a cabbage diet for an entire winter, and a harsh winter at that, one where we could hardly go out doors. The cabin did become horrificially unbearable at times, causing us to choose the freezing cold in an attempt to air the place out. I often wonder if it was that winter started Lirial on the path to evil witchdom, I know it almost did so for me.”

“It just seems like I am shirking my duties.”

“Manny, you haven’t had a day off since you started working for me. As your employers, I say you will not be shirking your duties.”

Riding along in a wagon, days on end, was far from the toughest work he had ever done. But, none-the-less he had no reason not to agree and said, “Very well.”

“Besides, the only danger within the Baronette’s domainis Asudem herself. And I would not bet on either of our chances, alone or together, against her.”

Proof of Maude’s words came as they rounded a bend in the road, wending its way through the Really Big Mountains range, and spotted a party of five adventurers near the entrance of a path splitting away on its own. If he were to make a guess, he would say it was a typical adventuring party with a warrior, priest, wizard, archer, and thief. The simplest solution to confirming this guess would have been to ask them; however, each was statuefied in what appeared to be a state of attack. Manny also learned that the Baronette had an interesting sense of humour, for on a boulder marking the path someone, presumably the gorgon herself, had painted a sign, Asudem’s House O’Lawn Ornaments.

Reaching the point of turn off, Maude brought her cart to a stop, so that Manny could hop out, a quick flick of his wings allowing him to settle upon the high heels of his armoured boots with barely a wobble. Taking his spear from its rest, he removed his shield and pack from behind the seat, allowing Maude to cluck at Andy and continue on her way. As the wagon curved out of sight, Manny found himself wondering how he would entertain himself for the rest of the day. It wasn’t like there was any civilization nearby, just rock and some evergreens valiantly trying to survive in whatever dirt they could find. In the end, he decided to find the camp, where Maude had told him they would meet. By then, maybe he would have a better idea of what he wanted to do.

Since being turned into a pixie (or a bigxie as Maude called him now that he was human sized) his wings had made some tasks more difficult, one such was shouldering into his backpack. Fortunately he worked for an excellent seamstrist, one who had modified his old pack to hang comfortably between his wings. However, this hindrance was more than offset by his ability to leap into the air and fly wherever he wished.

In this instance, his leap did not take him too high, because he found it more difficult to fly in the mountains. So barely higher than he now stood, even when perched upon his ridiculous heels, Manny flew along the road. Traveling much faster than the plodding auroch who pulled the wagon, it only took an hour before he spotted a flat spot and a recognizable cabin. Not that he had seen this particular one, but it was no different than numerous others they had passed during their journey.

Apparently the Land Beyond was rather underpopulated in comparison to the human lands he had visited. Communities were rare and inns between those communities were even rarer, since travelers themselves were uncommon. But serving a similar function were Wayfarer posts, established and maintained by a flock of rarely seen harpies. Instead, guests dropped their payment into a glowing sphere, which held it safely until the next caretaker passed. She had also warned that, though unwatched, the harpies knew what happened in their cabins and had the ability to bar access to undesirables.

Landing in front of the building, Manny cautiously approached the door. Despite Maude`s assurance, he could not quite believe that bandits wouldn`t find a post a perfect spot to waylay travelers. Once more she was proven correct, as entry found things quiet, nobody else inside.

Shrugging out of his pack he dug inside for a snack. That was the one problem with flying, it always left him famished. But where such a state used to have him looking for a piece of jerky, now he dug up a stick of hard candy, nearly the size of the hilt of his sword. To say the transformation had given him a sweet tooth was akin to saying a lion likes raw meat, for nothing satisfied quite like sugar and honey. Still it was not his entire diet, which is why he dug deeper in his pack to find a small bag containing his hooks and fishing twine. He had noticed a creek behind the cabin and planned to find a fishing pool.

Thus equipped, he stowed the pack in a chest at the end of a bed, slid his button shield underneath, and made for the door with his spear, fishing gear, and the treat. Outside, he found it warmer than before and considered leaving his overrobe behind. Even with slits above his knees in the front, back, and sides, he found it cumbersome when flying.

The robe was another of Maude’s creations. Arriving in the first village, after Pretty Tree Forrest, Manny had inspired quite the sensation. Unsurprising when he remembered his own first sighting of the pixies he mirrored, nor did his bordello inspired armour help. Extremely uncomfortable, it had been all the two could do to make it to their inn room. There Manny had begged Maude to craft him a robe to wear over his armour, one with a hood. Rather taken back by his reception, Maude had eagerly acceded.

Leaving the next morning, Manny found himself wishing that he had been more detailed in his pleas. He had visualized a robe like those worn by the Riders of Pruneland, which were dark grey, billowy things. Instead Maude, being Maude, made something to flatter his figure and match the rest of what he wore. Again proving her expertise at the tailoring craft, Manny knew he had no room for complaint. Thus he had found himself pulling on the shimmering white, woolen robe with cuffs, hem, slits, and hood trimmed in pink ribbon the colour of his armour. Maude had even embroidered small pink roses, to match those on his shield and hem, at the point of the four slits in the robe’s skirts.

The sensations Manny had caused since donning the robe were just as noticeable, but muted in comparison. After all, it still left his pink veined wings free to serve their purpose. And secondly, any breeze made the fine wool mold itself to his curves or expose a thigh-high, stilettoed boot. Yet with the hood pulled over his head, most people, in particular most men, did not stare at him with brainless lust. Now their stares engaged their minds, as they curiously wondering if what was hidden was true to what was hinted or if they would find something like a gorgon underneath.

On this day the robe was unneeded. So he reentered the cabin and stowed it with his backpack. Enjoying the freedom of wearing only his armour, Manny soon flew along the winding creek, looking for a fishing spot. He found a pool where it next met the road, a stone bridge having been built to cross it. Settling on a sunny ledge, off to the side, Manny sat with his feet dangling over the edge, his hook in the water attached to the twine knotted around his wrist, and sucked on the stick of candy.

The fishing proved poor, but relaxing as the sun beat down upon him and the stone ledge, basking him in its warmth. Drifting in and out of wakefulness, the natural balance of a pixie was the only thing that kept him from a cold bath.

It was in such a state that he dreamed a curious song.

“Hey, ho, laddios, will you lookie at that ledge. See the pretty butterfly?”

“Holy boingoes, check her out.”

Jerking awake, Manny spotted seven men gawking at him from the bridge. A second glance showed that not a one would be taller than his hips, yet by the beards on all but one he doubted them to be children. Suddenly, he guessed they were dwarfs. He was not impressed. Unlike the warriors of fable, these guys were pudgy little fellows who looked like the should be holding down benches at the local tavern.

“How goes the fishing, Missy?” Asked a grey bearded one, standing in the middle of the pack, whose voice identified him as the first speaker.

“Not so good. Not even a bite.”

“Never had any luck myself. Don’t think there are none fish in this here pond. So, Missy, what are doing out here all on your lonesome?”

Something in the dwarf’s manner placed Manny on guard, but he felt safe on his ledge, the pool serving as a moat. “I’m a wagon train guard, we’re camped at the Wayfarers post.”

“Are you now? Is it a big train?”

Instead of answering, Manny looked towards the most weasily looking member of the bunch who was grinning, pointing towards him, and whispering to another of the dwarfs, one who leaned against the railing as if it was the only thing holding him up. Suddenly realizing where the dwarf pointed, Manny pulled at his short kilt and brought his legs together to sit in a more lady like fashion. The accusatory look of hurt appearing upon the weasel’s face, proving the maneuver wise.

“Big enough.”

“Is that so?” Turning to look at the unbearded dwarf, one with the week chin and holding a hand to his chest, he asked, “Well is she, Boney?”

“How am I supposed to know, Bossy?”

“With your wonder schnoz. After all, it’s what told us she were out here.”

“It don’t tell me that, Bossy. Why don’t you just ask her?”

Growing nervous at their strange behavior, Manny retrieved his fishing line and stowed it away in its bag, before climbing to his feet. “Ask me what?”

Turning a rather nasty leer in the bigxie’s direction, Bossy asked, “So be you a virgin?”

“WHAT!”

“A virgin. You see, this cave we was hoping to use as our hidey hole is the home of some type of monster. So I were thinking that if we was to give it a virgin saccerfice it wouldn’t bother us.”

“Why...I...you...ah...du...wha...I’m not going to be your sacrifice, virgin or otherwise.”

Before the main dwarf could say anything, the weasel said, “Look at her. Bossy. All getted up sexy like. There’s no way she’s a virgin.”

“Shut up, Pervy. I’m talking to the saccerfice, not to you.”

“I’m not your sacrifice.” Manny said.

“There’s a monster in the cave?” The dwarf with the longest beard asked.”Why didn’t you tell me? You know I’m sceered of monsters.”

“That’s why we didn’t tell you, Dummy. Now you be quiet so that I can make the monster less sceery.”

“Okay, Bossy.”

“So, Missy, do we have a deal?”

“Of course we don’t have a deal.”

“Well, I was thinking, what with you dying of a fatal disease, you would want to work out a deal. Something like you help us out with our problem and we send five gold coins to your family.”

“Like I would trust you to send it...wait...I don’t have a fatal disease.”

“Sure you does, you came down with monster sacrifitist.”

This caused six of the dwarfs to break out in laughter, only the one who was afraid of monsters not joining in. Instead he said, “I don’t get it.”

Manny also did not see the humour in the situation, vehemently stating, “You are crazy and I am leaving!”

Breaking off his laughter, Bossy said, “You’re not going to make this easy, are you? Get her, Boys.”

This time it was Manny’s turn to laugh. “What are you gonna do, swim out here?”

“I was talking to them.”

Looking upwards, at where Bossy pointed, Manny saw three red bearded dwarfs, their eyes gleaming crazily, standing on a ledge above him. He only had time to say, “Ahh crap, not more triplets.”

Before the net hit him, its weighted edges pulling him down in a heap. Still he tried to fight when the three scaled down to join him, but that was short lived, for one bonked him on the head with a club.

Coming too was not a pleasant experience for Manny. The knock on the head made him want to throw up. But worse, he was cold, unable to see, and could not move.

As his senses began to return, he started solving these problems. First, he realized that the reason he could not move, was because someone had tied him, standing, to a stake. Second, he figured out that he could not see, because he was in a pitch black room. Third, he threw up, leaning his head as far out as possible, hoping to not splatter himself. With these issues dealt with, his mind uncomfortably focused upon his last problem, being cold. Temporarily he wished that he had not left his robe at the cabin, before guessing that it would have been removed, just like his armour. Hopefully not, but probably, by Pervy. Grimacing at the thought, his next shiver occurred for something other than the cold. At least he still wore his underthings. Though it seemed strange that they would leave him dressed, even this much.

Then he remembered, he was the virgin sacrifice. How better to be presented in the role than clad in silken underthings. All the stories said that was how it was to be done.

He was perfectly suited for the role of the gorgeous virgin, well at least in his current incarnation. As a male, despite limited success with women, he had benefited a time or two from being part of an army who was having a victory party after winning a war. Morals always seemed to slip in that situation and at least for a day or two, women would see him as the conquering hero, rather than a big galoot. Yet he wondered if he was actually a virgin in this form. Not that he had been with a man, the very thought made his queasy stomach more-so. But Maude had carried through with her threat, when leaving Tree Tinka, to purchase him a snake. She had then badgered him daily until he had reluctantly and nervously given in. After that night, the badgering was no longer needed, nor was the reluctance anything other than feigned, but it still made him nervous. It felt wrong, though a very good kind of wrong.

Tearing his mind away from this train of thoughts, he reminded himself he was not an appropriate sacrifice, of any sort. This led his mind to wonder what sort of monster was about to eat him, then to hoping there was no monster. The dwarfs hadn’t seemed particularly smart, maybe they were mistaken.

And if the dwarfs weren’t that smart, what did it make him? He spent some time cursing himself for a fool. Hard to forgive himself for being so confident before falling for such a simple trick. He should have flown away as soon as he realized something was wrong. Gods, how embarrassing it was to die as a oversized pixie, dressed like a courtesan, in some dark hole. He wondered if Maude would ever find out what happened. Though an unknown disappearance held some allure, though he did feel bad that his parents know where or why he disappeared.

For a time, he let his terror at his situation take over. He did not shout nor cry, but his shivering was caused by more than the cold and he did let a few whimpers escape. But even that was chased away by the cold, the dark, and the soreness in his shoulders, from having his arms tied behind the stake.

All that seemed left was to accept his fate. As he began to do so, his mind brushed aside fantasies of escape or rescue, wishing only that the monster would hurry up and arrive. He was tired of waiting.

Then he heard a sound. A faint sound, like the whispering of wind.

Again, silence returned. Stretching...

And then the sound again.

Psss-sss-psss-psss.

Almost it seemed he should understand what it was, but his mind could not penetrate the mystery.

Sssss-psss-ssss-tssss.

It became a niggly itch in his ears. One that he would not be able to reach, even if his hands were not tied. Finally he had enough and shouted, “Just get it over with!”

The shout had the opposite affect. Seemingly scaring away whatever approached, leaving him alone. Not an unusual thing with predators, but it would return and he would become its tasty treat with that return. This time the silence lasted even longer and his mind seemed to shut down, protecting him from his desperate thoughts. Almost he slept, though in the uncomfortable position it was never true sleep.

Until once more the sound penetrated his wall.

This time it seemed much closer. Frantically Manny looked around and spotted something, two faint glows that flickered and disappeared. His eyes on that spot, he noticed it again and again, counting more and more of the glows. Four, six, eight, ten of them.

Slowly they floated forward, growing brighter . Finally he saw they were eyes, big glowing eyes. Immediately his mind tried to recall what type of monster had multiple eyes and lived in caves.

A cyclops! No, no, they only had one eye, not many.

A beholder. That was it, but he knew little about them. He had no idea in what horrible way one would kill him.

He was blinded by a bolt of light. Only after blinking his eyes to clear away the sparkling before them did he see that the light came from a mining lantern, its door now opened. However, his focus was upon the monster who held the lantern. More specifically, the one monster holding it and the four others huddled beside it.

“Dwarfs? More dwarfs?”

“We’re not d’wharfs, we’re gnomes,” said the one holding the lantern.

“Gnomadic gnomes,” said a second.

“We’re not gnomadic gnomes anymore,” said a third, in disagreement.

“Not since we settled in these caves thirty years ago,” said a fourth.

“Yep, we’re back to being gnameless gnomes,” said the last.

“You’re the monster scaring the dwarfs?”

“Oh no,” the first said. “But we work for him and he asked us to bring you to him.”

“I’ll fight you every step of the way.”

“Don’t do that. Besides he’s gnice.”

“He is?”

“Very. He would have greeted you himself, but he’s busy, looking after his young’ins right now.”

Thinking that it would be good to be free of his bindings and that he could take the five meek gnomes if a chance arose, Manny said, “Very well then, I’d like to see your boss. But first you need to untie me.”

“Promise to not do anything gnasty?”

“I promise.”

The gnome stared at him for a few moments, trying to determine if he believed the captive. Finally he took a hesitant step forward, saying, “Okay, but remember only big, meanie-heads break their promise. And big meanie-heads are bad.”

“Agreed.”

With his promise, though given with crossed fingers, the gnomes moved forward en masse to work on the knots which tied him to the stake.

“Ewww, what did I just step in?”

The fire needed to be bigger, Manny thought as he sat hugging his knees to his chest, the silken toes of his hose barely far enough away to not catch fire. He had asked his hosts to make it larger, but they apparently felt one extra chunk of coal was good enough. Now they sat, huddled together on the other side of the fire, silently watching him with wide eyes. It was not the lustful stares to which he still had not grown used to, instead it was a fearful, nervous look. But just as uncomfortable, particularly every attempt to start a conversation ended with a simple response. Finally he decided to utilize something from the book Maude was forcing him to read, Elmadine Fergoro’s So You’ve Been Turned Into a Woman (27 Things You Must Know). That lesson being, ‘if he doesn’t seem interested, then get him to talk about himself’.

“Ummm...you said you’re nameless, why don’t you have names?”

The one who had carried the lantern, answered, “We’re not growed up, gnomes don’t take gnames until we’re growed.”

“You don’t? How do you talk to each other?”

“Why do you gneed gnames to talk to each other?”

“Well, I guess you don’t.”

“Course gnot, you just look at someone and they know you’re talking too them.”

“Ohh, I see. So if your not grown up, how have you been here for thirty years and why do you have beards?”

“There’s more to being growed up than looking growed up. There’s wisdom.”

“And knowledge about yourself,” said the one with the bald head.

“And knowledge about the world,” said the one with the yellow beard.

Sounding a like a learned mantra to Manny, he asked, “How do you go about gaining this wisdom and knowledge?”

Lantern Gnome answered, “Why you go gnomading, of course. Leave the Gnomeland and venture out to find your fortune and gname. However, we’re taking a break, since we got tired of walking.”

“And I had a really gnasty blister on my heal,” the largest said.

“We all told you gnot to wear wet socks. So here we were, resting, when who should appear but Mic.”

“Mic?”

“He’s the monster you were so worried about,” Bald Head said. “But he’s a lot gnicer than most gnon-monsters, lots gnicer than those gno-goodnick d’wharfs who wanted to turn you into a monster snack. He offered us work and we’ve been here ever since, though we’ve been talking about moving on.”

The last sounded like an unsuccessful attempt at self-convincing, but Manny politely let it pass. Instead he said, ”Speaking of those dwarfs, they look a lot like gnomes.”

Lantern Gnome answered, “Of course the do, silly, they’re growed up gnomes.”

“I thought you said weren’t dwarfs?”

“We’re gnot, you can’t become a d’wharf until you’re growed.”

“Huh?”

“Do you want me to explain?”

“Please.” Manny said, his confusion distracting him from his shaking.

“Sigh, very well. See we spend the first 200 or so years of our life in the Gnomeland, learning to mine and to craft and to farm and all types of other things. Round about then, the curiosity starts setting in, about the rest of the Land Beyond. Then a group of friends will decide it is time to head out gnomading, like we did. Gnow there isn’t an exact route to take, but since the Gnomeland is in the Eastern Mountains, you gnaturally head West. Along the way it’s gnot unusual to take breaks, like we’re doing, but sooner or later you find yourself back on the road to the West. But you can’t go on like that forever.”

“You can’t?”

“Course gnot. At some point you come to the Endless Sea. Your trip would be rather short if you kept going. It is at that point, that we are to reflect on our life, on what we want to be, and the uselessness of wandering aimlessly away from Gnomeland when we could be back home making little gnomes.”

“If you already know that, why don’t you turn around and go home now?”

“That’d be cheating. Everybody would know you weren’t ready to be growed up if you shirked your gnomish heritage. Better to follow through and become a gno-goodnick gang like the Monster Snack Servers, then to gnot go all the way to the Endless Sea.”

“Oh, sorry. So anyways, once you’ve reached the seas, you turn around and head home?”

“Gno, gno, you first reflect on your life and in so doing, you will give yourself a Gnom d’Wharf.”

“What?”

“Your gname. Gno longer are you a gnameless gnome gnor a gnomadic gnome, gnow you’re all growed up.”

Still not grasping the gnomish logic behind this seemingly meaningless endeavor, Manny said, “Why do you call it a Gnom d’Wharf? Do you reflect while standing out on a dock or something?”

Yellow Beard muttered, “Grrr, stinky elves.”

Lantern Gnome made a calming gesture to his fellow, before saying, “Gno, we just do it on the shore?”

“Shouldn’t it be Gnom d’Shore?”

“Well actually wharf means the shore of the sea.”

“I don’t think so, it’s a dock that extends out into the water that allows boats to be loaded and unloaded.”

This was too much for Yellow Beard, who burst out and said, “It does too mean shore, its just that those thieves, the elves, got the definition changed. They saw that we had our Western trek, decided it looked fun, and decided they wanted to do it too. Soon they were riding to the sea on their fancy horses, gnot learning anything from the journey, except that their crap don’t stink when they’re high above it. But was that good enough? Gneoooo, they had to one up us. They went and built a ship and all of them sail out to an island on the horizon, further West than we go. Course they had to build a dock for their ship and sure enough they called it a wharf. Gnow, because everybody thinks elves are so wonderful and that gnomes are gnothing, our definition has become obsolete.”

By this point of the rant, Yellow Beard had reached fine form, flailing his arms about and shouting. Gnow, sorry I mean, now, he stood up to prance about and flap his hands beside his head, as he said, in the smarmiest of voices, “Oooh, look at us, we’re the elves. Doesn’t everybody just love us? Why look at how respectful we are to the past, journeying West to pay homage to our ancestors. Oh, the gnomes do it too, poor things I think they just get lost and don’t realize they’re going the wrong way until they run into the sea. Oooh, it’s so great being an elf. Look at me, I’m so tall and pretty and look at my shiny long hair, doesn’t it just show off my pointed ears so perfectly.”

This last, had the smallest gnome pulling on Yellow Beard’s pant leg, finally causing that worthy to look down and snarl, “What?”

Casting a quick look at Manny, Small Gnome jumped to his feet to stand on his tip-toes and whisper, loud enough for Manny to hear, in his companion’s ear. “Look at her, she’s an elf.”

Instantly a sickly look appeared on Yellow Beard’s face. “Umm, at least that’s what I heard those gno-goodnick Monster Snack Servers say, Your Ladyelfship.”

“I’m not an elf.”

Manny’s statement was met by five looks of nervous disbelief. “Look, I have wings, elves don’t have wings, do they?”

The five looked questioningly amongst each other, before Lantern Gnome asked, rather than said, “Gnooo?”

“Of course they don’t.”

“What are you?”

“I guess you could say I’m a bigxie?”

“A what?”

“A big pixie.”

“I didn’t know there was such a thing.”

“That’s fair, I didn’t know the difference between dwarfs and gnomes.”

They did not respond to this point, instead he saw them looking at something over his head. Spinning about, knowing their employer had arrived, his eyes grew almost as large as theirs at what he saw.

“Heya, Doll. I have to hand it to Bossy and his Idiot Posse, useless as they are at anything else, they sure know how to pick out an excellent sacrifice.”

It was Manny’s turn to stare. Never once, while tied to the stake in the dark cave, had his speculation led him to believe that the monster in the cave would be a man-sized walking and talking mushroom. Manny had since learned that Mic was a myconid and despite his initial words, seemed as nice as the gnomes had said. Having spoken, he noticed Manny`s shivering state, and had turned into the polite host. Soon his gnomish henchmen had the fire blazing, found a blanket (that Manny appreciated despite his belief it had not been washed since the gnomes left the Gnomeland), and seen that he was fed (admittedly the lichen was the blandest thing he had ever eaten and left him longing for a stick of candy).

Now the one time sacrifice felt more comfortable in his surroundings. So much so that he found himself babbling his life story, particularly his strange experiences since arriving in the Land Beyond.

Scratching his chin, that is if he had a chin, Mic said, “You’ve had an interesting time of it, haven’t you? I’m sure you will find it much more relaxing to settle down and become my consort.”

“What! No. I can’t be your consort!”

“But you were given to me, for what other purpose than to be my consort.”

“I don’t want to be your consort,” Manny said, even admitting to himself he sounded quite whiny. But he didn’t blame himself, it had been a rather trying day.

“Is it because I’m a spore, spore farmer, who can only offer lichen stew?”

“No, it’s you’re a myconid and I’m a bigxie. And I’m not really a bigxie either, I’m really a human. And male at that.”

“Come on, Doll, if you just give me a chance, you’ll find out that I’m really a fun guy.”

Manny just gawked, his jaw moving, but no sound issuing forth. Watching his guest, Mic finally broke out in laughter. “You should see your face, Doll. I’m really sorry, I know that was horrible, but its been rattling around in my head for years and this was my first chance to use it. Really I agree with you, gorgeous though you may be, I’m not really into the whole interspecies kink. Besides, no matter who you think you should be, you’re currently a creature of the woods. Living inside a mountain wouldn’t be good for you.”

Slumping in relief at these words, in a rather small voice, Manny asked, “So you’ll let me go?”

“I’m sure I’m going to come off as a cad for this, but...I’ll let you go under one condition.”

“What?” Manny asked, his nerves beginning to jitter once more.

“Rid my mountain of those dwarf squatters, Bossy and his gang. They’ve have been messing with the harmony in my caves and its been affecting my spores.

“What do you think, I’m going to do? There’s ten of them and only one of me.”

“You’re an adventurer, adventurers always find their way around such problems.”

“This isn’t some storybook. Besides, I’ve got nothing to wear.”

“Honestly, Doll, they’re pretty pathetic villains, the type who give incompetents a bad name.”

“If they’re so incompetent, Mic, why don’t you deal with them?”

“Now why didn’t I think of that? I don’t know, maybe because I’m a giant fricken mushroom? Could that be it?”

“There’s no need to get snippy.”

“Snippy? Why I’ll...ahh, you’re right, Doll, it’s not your fault. I’ve just been stressed recently, these dwarfs have gotten on my nerves and right before seeding too. Besides who am I kidding, I don’t have it in me to keep you here against your will.”

Manny instinctively began to flinch away from the most devastating of attacks.

“And I’m sure you have more important things to do, rather then help out some old, spore farmer.”

And there it was, a solid guilt trip right between the eyes. An attack from which he had little defense, particularly with his built in grudges against Bossy and the boys. No, that was not correct. Manny realized he had one defense mechanism left, he could hide behind someone else. Even better that someone else was not here to gainsay him.

“I’d like to help out, Mic. Really I would, but I’m not free to do whatever I want. See, I’m supposed to be meeting my employer, who happens to be a powerful witch, at the Wayfarers post. She is likely quite vexed at me for keeping her waiting.”

“She sounds quite fearsome, maybe she could help with my problem? What type of witch is she? A firecaster? A stormcaller? Maybe a cursemistress?”

This was why Manny no longer gambled, his bluffs were always called and once called, he always folded like a cheap camp stool. “Ummm...she’s a seamstrist.”

“A seamstrist?”

“A very good seamstrist,” Manny said in protest.

“Why how fortuitous,” Mic said. “Maybe she can help me with a problem I’ve had even longer than the dwarfs. I’ve been hoping to replace the rags my gnomes wear.”

“Don’t want gnew clothes.”

“I like my rags.”

“Now, now, Lads. You know very well that our contract states I am to feed, house, and garb you. I’m not going to tempt fate anymore by shirking that part of responsibilities when I have an opportunity to rectify the situation.”

“mumble-mumble-mumble.”

“That’s not very polite, is it? Now come along, you’re getting new duds whether you want them or not. Oh, you should come too, Doll. Unless you would prefer to find the way out of mountain on your own.”

Manny only screwed his eyes shut, hoping that when he opened them, it would find him waking up from a crazy dream at his parent’s home. Worse luck, opening hem showed a fading light as the myconid and his employees began to turn a corner. Throwing aside the blanket, he jumped up, and raced to join the troop. Fluttering along at the rear, he ignored the gnomish mumbles, being wrapped up in uttering a few of his own.

No way could Manny have been able find his way out of the mountain on his own, as Mic led them through a bewildering array of tunnels and caves that had him lost soon after the light of the fire disappeared. Fortunately one or another of the gnomes was constantly asking, “how much longer,” so he did not feel alone in being lost. Yet the myconid knew where he was going and after who knows how long, Manny saw the glow of sunlight coming from the direction in which they marched. Exiting the final cave, into the sunlight, it was all Manny could do to fight instincts he did not know he had and jump twirling into the air to perform a pixie dance of joy.

In the next moment, he noticed something strange, the sun was low in the Eastern sky. Which prompted him to ask, “How long was I inside?”

“Since yesterday afternoon,” Mic answered. “We spotted Bossy’s boys down in the caves around then, but didn’t have any idea why they were there until much later.”

“Oh no, I wonder if Maude went on without me?”

It did not take long before Manny began to feel guilty about his lack of faith in his employer, for as they climbed down a mountain goat path, he spotted the Wayfarers post in the distance. Specifically, he saw Maude’s wagon and Andy, who looked much smaller than his usual massive size. His guilt grew complete when their approach caused the auroch to bellow his greeting, in what Manny interpreted to be a happy tone, which brought the curious witch out of the cabin.

Immediately upon seeing him, a huge smile of relief and happiness appeared on Maude’s face. Not quite at a run, she trotted towards the newcomers, wrapped Manny in a quick hug, and asked, “Where have you been? I was worried sick. When I didn’t find you here, I tracked you to the pool by the bridge and found your spear, but not you. What happened?”

Deciding to ignore her ability to track him to the pool, when he had flown there, Manny answered, “Well I went to the pool, hoping to catch some fish for our supper. While there I was surprised by some dwarfs who captured me.”

“Dwarfs?” Maude asked, dangerously looking past Manny at his companions.

“We’re gnot d’wharfs,” one of the gnomes said in a squeaky voice.

“No, not the gnomes. I guess you could say they rescued me.”

“Gnomes, they look like dwarfs. What’s the difference?”

“Well...”

“Oh, never mind. That’s not important now. Why did dwarfs capture you and why is a myconid with you? Did he have something to do with it?”

“Who, Mic? No, no, see there are dwarfs squatting in Mic’s cave who think he’s a monster. Why do they think that Mic?”

“Well, when they’re sleeping I sneak up to their area and howl madly. I was hoping it would drive them away,” the myconid answered.

“Oh, that makes sense. So anyways, Maude, these dwarfs found me at the fishing hole where, because I was overconfident, thinking I could fly away at anytime, they captured me to use as a virgin sacrifice for the monster.”

Maude’s eyes opened wide at this, then the corners of her mouth began to curl upwards, causing Manny’s blush to grow more noticeable. “I take it that’s why you’re only wearing your underthings.”

Her guard nodded mutely. Smiling at this, Maude turned her attention to the myconid. “Did you not find Manny a worthwhile sacrifice, Sir Myconid?”

“Maude!”

“Oh yes, Madame Witch, she was most worthy. She even tried to convince me that she would be an excellent consort...”

“Mic!”

“...however, I told her that it would not work. What with her being a creature of the woods and me being a creature of the caves. Instead, I proposed that she help me by ridding me of those meddlesome dwarfs, but she said she needed to talk to her employer first.”

Swinging a frustrated look between the two jokesters, Manny shook his head in mock disgust, his knee length braid barely missing one of the gnomes. Then he flitted towards the cabin, harrumphing his opinion, and stating, “I need some candy.”

He was arm deep in his pack when everybody else traipsed into the cabin. “I know its kind of funny now, but it wasn’t funny while I was tied to the stake waiting for something horrible to happen. In fact, thinking about it makes me mad, really mad. They tried to take my life and they took my armour. Sure it makes me look like a play toy, but it’s mine and I want it back. I want to take those little buggers out.”

“Of course you do,” Maude said. “That’s perfectly reasonable. And I agree, they need to be taken out.”

“You do?”

“Yes, I do. It’s obvious that they are hoping to set themselves up as bandits and prey upon people traveling along the road. The only question is whether or not we can handle them on our own.”

“Maybe. They did not strike me as fighters, but much will depend upon their lair. That’s why I was thinking, if you think it would be okay, that I could change into Tinka and go scouting.”

“You said you didn’t want to be changed again, at least not until we can change you back to your real self.”

“I know I said that, but...”

“It won’t work,” Mic said, interrupting Manny’s justification.

“It won’t?” Manny asked.

“You said that one of the gnomes smelled you earlier, wouldn’t he be able to do so again?”

“Well I’ll be smaller and I’ll take a bath.”

“That may work, but how are you going to see?”

“Crap, I can’t very well carry a torch while scouting can I?”

Mic said, “Not likely; however, you don’t need to scout Yeti Caves, since my gnomes have already done so themselves.”

“You have? Wait, there’s yeti in the cave, that will make it much more difficult.”

“Of course there are no yeti, everybody knows they’re imaginary. No I just call it that, because it would be a perfect set of caves for yeti if they did exist. It also works well for a bunch of dwarfs who don’t really like each, allowing them to spread out in different areas and only deal with each when Bossy calls them together. Tell her.”

This last order was directed at the gnomes. Surprisingly it was the smallest gnome who stepped forward and said, “Well, Your Bigxieship, Mic is right in that they don’t like each other and that’s why they’re spread out within Yeti Caves. On entry, the first one you’ll run into is the weasely one you were talking about, Pervy. Gnone of them like him, since he’s always telling the sickest stories and laughing at his own jokes, so Bossy made him the Gatekeeper and...”

Not being embarrassed at his morning’s appearance proved how much Manny had adapted to his life in the Land Beyond. Based upon the scouting report of Pervy, they learned he was nearly as paranoid as he was horny, which resulted in his having built a barricade at the entrance tunnel and manning it with the dwarfs’s lone crossbow. It had not taken a tactical genius to determine the wisdom of exploiting his horniness to overcome his paranoia. For that they needed bait. Even Manny had not expected that role to be played by anyone other than himself.

Of course, amongst Pervy’s many flaws, they did not think him to be a complete moron; therefore, Manny’s bigxie form would not work, since being a species of one made the coincidental possibility of a second bigxie showing up, rather improbable. However, that was not the only form available to him. With Maude’s magic mirror, he could quickly become The Grandwitch Grunhilda or the seamstrist’s daughter, Lirial, both beauties in their own right. In the end they had chosen Lirial. An unhappy choice for Maude, after all what mother wants to see her daughter as bait, even if it’s not her daughter. Yet this was outweighed by being scared spitless of the grandwitch, neither of them was any more likely to renege on their promise to the Grunhilda, not to assume her form, then wed a mammoth.

Still trying to convince herself of their choice, even as she fiddled with the braids in Manny’s straw coloured hair, shaped into a harvest queen’s crown, Maude said, “Really this is the right choice, as Grunhilda you would surely have intimidated the little fellow into hunkering down behind his barrier. Whereas, you would be able to tempt a dead priest, never mind an over horny and undersexed dwarf.”

Manny only sighed his agreement. What he now accepted as his normal form (for now) was all va-va-voom, while Lirial was the adorable innocent. Although that innocence was rather diminished by the pixieish day dress Maude had fashioned for him. True, the ivory silk was at least one order of opacity more than the material she used in their dresses, but it still left his body perfectly silhouetted by the rising sun. Truly he personified nice and naughty.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t hold out long against someone looking like this, nor would most fellows I know. Well, I better get started, the gnome said Pervy was the only early riser in the bunch, so hopefully I can deal with him, before he is reinforced.”

“Okay, I’ll wait here with the mirror and your weapons. We’ll be ready to change you to yourself once you’ve dealt with this one.”

“Very well,” Manny said and began walking towards the cave.

Crossing the bridge, where he had been captured two days earlier, he spotted his destination. As reported, a number of logs had been stacked before the cave entrance, more than enough to make him hesitant at rushing it, even with a shield. Instead he stopped just out of crossbow range, put on the alluring smile Maude had made him practice and waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Finally he broke character to stoop down, pick up a rock, and heave it weakly towards the barrier. Falling well short, it still made a satisfying clatter as it bounced along the road.

“Wha...who...what was that? Who’s there.”

Hesitantly at first, a weasely face peeked over the logs, then in a burst Pervy was standing upright, his crossbow at his side, a leer on his face. “Holy cripes. Am I still dreaming?”

Manny did not answer, he just smiled, before turning to walk back towards the bridge, swaying in that way that came so naturally. After a few steps, he turned to look back at the dwarf, a questioning look (also well practiced) on his face and made a come hither gesture.

After this, he sped up, though not noticeably, listening to hear if he was followed. Seemingly even Pervy was not horny enough to be drawn out by such an obvious ruse, but then...

“Hey wait! Woah, woah, Gorgeous, don’t be leaving. Cripes, wait for me.”

Not turning, Manny was just about across the bridge when he heard the patter of running feet.

“Not that I don’t mind following, Honeycheeks, but where we heading?”

Pointing towards a large boulder, Manny hoped Maude was ready to help him waylay the dwarf. However, those plans were forgotten at the next words from his follower.

“So, Honeycheeks, you gonna need me to help you out of your dress? I’m real good at it, why just a couple days ago I helped this hot, blonde winged chick out of hers. But she was nothing com...”

Pervy did not get a chance to finish his sentence, for something inside Manny had snapped at this confirmation of his indignity. Balling his hand into a tiny fist, he spun on a heel, swung from his hip, and decked the dwarf right between the eyes. Now Lirial’s form did not have the brute strength of Manny’s natural body, nor the unnatural strength of a pixie, but Pervy was hardly bigger than a six year old, so he went flying, knocked out.

Manny did not see the result of his fistiwork. Instead he grabbed his hand with the other, clenched it to his chest, and started hopping around. “Ouch ouch ouch ouch ch ch.”

Rushing around from behind the boulder, Maude demanded, “What happened?”

“I think he broke my hand.”

“With his face? Here let me look at it. See if can open and close it a few time. Oh, its not too bad, go and dunk it in the creek for a few minutes while I tie Pervy up.”

By the time Maude finished securing the dwarf, Manny’s hand was wet and sore, but he didn’t think there was a problem that a bit of time wouldn't handle. Returning to Maude and their victim, he stooped to help carry him behind the boulder, when he stopped and stared.

“Umm, Maude, where did you get these restraints?”

Where Manny had expected rope, Pervy’s hands were actually cuffed together, behind his back, by studded black leather shackles. So were the dwarfs feet, the two sets of shackles joined together by a chain. Manny doubted their intended purpose was actually to hold prisoners.

“I make them. A number of my clients are always in search of such things, but find most to be very poor quality. Whereas, they know any that I make won’t be breaking at inopportune times.”

“Who?”

“Oh, I couldn’t say. Seamstrist client confidentiality is too sacred a trust. Now help me with the dwarf, we need to continue on with our plan.”

The still unconscious dwarf safely stowed, Manny found himself back in front of the mirror, being bigxiefied. It was mostly a relief, to return to form. Not only was the soreness in his hand gone, but he felt a vibrancy, a feeling of solidness and strength, almost like his true self, that was not there when he was in the fragile form of Lirial. There was only one problem, his clothes.

With the possibility of battle in his near future, he couldn`t stay in his underthings; therefore, Maude had made him new clothes. At Manny`s request, they matched the uniform that the seamstrist had dressed him in, their first day together, with trousers, tunic, and solid walking boots. Like everything the witch made, they were perfectly sized for her guard. Despite this, Manny thought they fit horribly. The clothes were hot and itchy and dull, while the boots made him fill short. He surprisingly missed Tinka`s gaudy armour and wanted it back.

However, he had no intention to say so to Maude. Not after all the times he had complained about that armour to her. He distracted himself by performing the Beige Baron’s recommended stretches, to spread his warrior spirit throughout his body. Manny placed his thimble helm upon his head, strapped his button shield to his left arm, and picked up his needle spear in his right arm.

“Let’s go.”

Believing their opportunity for surprise, would be small, the two cautiously entered the mouth of the cave. Manny leading with his shield held high, while Maude followed with a lit torch and a bag full of shackles.

Creeping forward, Manny quietly asked, “How far did the gnome say it was before we run into the next pair?”

Almost mimicking the gnomes voice, Maude repeated what he had said. “After Pervy, you will gnext, in about thirty kilometres, come to Drunky the Alchemist’s lab, where he is trying to turn potatoes into gold. There, you’ll also find his assistant, Lazy, who just sits around gnapping all day. I wanna be an assistant when I grow up.”

“Umm...Maude, what’s a kilometre?”

“A gnomish measurement for distance. I believe it how far a metrepede can travel in one thousand seconds.”

“How far is that?”

“Who knows, only a gnome would think to measure distance in such a way.”

They found a metrepede did not travel overly fast, for not too far into the cave they were almost blinded by a wall of alcoholic fumes. Drunky the Alchemist had been successful, not in creating gold, but in his actual goal. Further proof, 100% proof, came as they waded through the fumes and heard the dueling of inharmonious snoring. Looking at Maude, Manny sped up, flying through an opening off the main passage into a hollow. There he found a slapdash still and the dwarf who had used the bridge to hold him up and one other.

Neither was a threat, both either being asleep or passed out, but Manny wanted to keep it that way. So, with only a small twinge of consciousness, he rapped each upon the head, which put them in a deeper, snoreless sleep. Grimacing at the thwacks Manny had administered, Maude reached into her back and pulled out two more sets of shackles, which she handed one after another to her guard so that he could secure the prisoners.

Just as they were finishing, the two were surprised by a voice from the entrance. “Hey, you’re already here. Hiya, Virgin Saccerfice, who’s your friend?”

Manny just gaped at this interruption; however, Maude, being more fleet of mind, answered, “I’m Maude, who are you?”

“Hiya, Maude, I’m Dummy. Boney told Bossy that he smelled Virgin Saccerfice and Bossy told me to tell everybody to get ready to greet her. I already told Gougey, Pokey, and Choppy, then I came here to tell Drunky and Lazy, where are...oh there they are. Why are they tied up?”

“Well...”

“I bet it was Pervy, seems like his type of joke. He has cuffs like those that he’s always showing off. I didn’t know he had two sets, but I’m not surprised. Speaking of Pervy, did you tell him that you were here?”

Maude answered, “In a manner of speaking.”

“Oh, good, I don’t like talking to Pervy by myself, he makes fun of me. So since I don’t have to go talk to him, I can ask if you dealt with the monster, Virgin Saccerfice?”

“Umm...call me Manny”

“Okay, Manny, that’s a strange name. Why’d you call yourself that? You’re not a man, you’re a girl. Or do you want to be man? I could understand that.”

“It’s what my parent’s named me.”

“Other people name you? That’s weird. Though I guess others named me, people were always calling me Dummy and I had gotten used to it, so what’s a guy to do. It’s not like Boney, now there’s a funny story. See he planned to name himself Nosey, cause of how good he is at smelling. However, when he arrived at the wharf his piles were really acting up while he waited beside the water for Lou, that’s the Name Master, to arrive. When Lou did arrive, Boney hissed out Nosey through clenched teeth; however, Lou heard Boney. Before Boney realized the mistake, his name had been entered in the Book of Names and it was too late to change. But don’t tell him I told ya, its another sore subject with him. What were we talking about?”

“Umm...”

Again Maude was more helpful in her answer. “The monster.”

“Oh right, the monster. Did you deal with the monster, Manny? I’ve been so worried since Bossy told us about it, that I haven’t slept a wink.”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, stab it with your spear?”

“How was I supposed to do that when I was tied up and I didn’t have me spear?”

“Well I was kind of wondering myself. But when you asked to be tied up, I knew that you were so confident about dealing with the monster that I needn’t worry. Sorry that I still did, I should have shared your confidence.”

“I didn’t ask to be tied up.”

“You didn’t?”

“No!”

“Then why did we tie you up?” Dummy asked, a look of confusion on his face.

“Because...”

Maude interjected, to say, “Let me handle this, Manny. So, Dummy, do you know what a virgin sacrifice is?”

“I thought it was Manny’s name.”

“No, a virgin sacrifice is usually a young lady who is given to a monster to be eaten, in the hopes that the monster will spare everybody else.”

“Really?” Dummy asked, his face showing his shock.”

“Really.”

“That’s horrible.” With these words the dwarf rushed towards Manny, wrapping his arm’s around the guard’s leg, staring up at him with sad eyes, said, “I’m so sorry, Manny. I didn’t know. I knew they were meanie-heads, but not that big of meanie-heads. I would have helped you if I had known. Course I would have failed, but I would of.”

Extremely uncomfortable with the dwarf clinging to his leg, Manny gave it a shake. Unsuccessful at freeing himself, Manny looked beseechingly at Maude. The witch took pity on him, moving over to peel the dwarf away and tell him. “We believe you, Dummy.”

“I wanna go home, back to the farm. I like weeding, I really do. Bossy said there would be cake if I followed him. There’s been no cake.”

“We’ll see that you get back to the farm. But first we have to deal with Bossy, will you wait here for us?”

Sniffling, Dummy said, “Okay. Hurry though, I don’t want the monster to get me.”

Leaving the contrite dwarf behind, Manny waited a few moments before asking, “Can we trust him?”

“I do. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess. He’s not the first sucker to get wrapped up with the wrong bunch. And this next batch are who they meant when they defined bad bunch.”

“Agreed. Anybody who would take the names Gougey, Pokey, and Choppy are probably not all that interested in making the world a better place. We better be careful.”

Floating along Manny made no sound. Nor did Maude make that much more. Therefore, they were able to hear the murmuring of voices ahead of them. Gesturing for his companion to wait, Manny drifted forward, until the light from her torch was just a pin prick. However, by this time he could see a larger flame in the distance. Continuing forwards, he saw it came from a roaring fire in a grotto, which also held the maniacal threesome who had netted him two days earlier.

Apparently they could also see him, for the one on the left held up a cleaver and said, “Stop right there or I’ll chop you.”

The one on the right held up a carving fork and said, “Come no closer or I’ll poke you.”

“Actually, come closer. I wanna gouge you.” The middle one said holding up his...

“What the heck is that thing?” Manny asked, pointing his spear at what the middle dwarf held.

“It’s a fooon.”

“A what?”

“A fooon. You know, part fork and part spoon.”

“Wouldn’t it make more sense to call it...”

“Don’t say it.” The fooon wielder shouted in interruption, spittle flying. “Mock not the deadliest weapon known, nor me, Gougey, the premier wielder of the fooon in the Land Beyond.”

“I always thought the deadliest weapon was a carving fork.”

“See I told ya.”

“Shut up, she’s mocking you. Mocking all of us, the Deadly Three.”

“She is, is she. I really wanna poke her, Gougey.”

“Yeah, let me get into chopping range, Gougey.”

“Shall we, brothers?”

At this question, the three each rushed forward, each shouting a war cry of either poke, chop, or gouge. Admittedly, rushing dwarfs are not the quickest of foot, Manny had ample time to lower his shield and intercept their attack.

Thunk!

Thwap!

Snick!

Not really wanting to kill the lunatics, Manny did not take any of the opportunities presented as the randomly hacked and gouged at his shield, used to protect his legs and midsection. However, they were energetic little buggers and Manny began to worry that they would break through his defense. This worry was immediately followed by recognizing that he no longer was a member of the Beige Baron’s shield wall, he had other options besides standing fast. Such as springing into the air, well above the heads of his enemies.

“No fair!”

“Cheater!”

“Oooooh, I really, really wanna gouge her.”

It was a stalemate. Manny felt he could end it at any time, energetic though they were, the dwarfs were unskilled fighters and bore some of the most useless weapons he had ever seen. The problem was, his spear was not much better for his intentions. He really needed a good club, if he wished to capture them alive.

At this point the three dwarfs had quit hopping into the air, swinging their weapons hopelessly at the bigxie above them. Bringing their heads together they tried to concoct a plan. This led to an argument between Gougey and Choppy.

“If you think it’s such a great idea, you or Pokey can do it.” Choppy said.

“Pokey can’t do it, his shoulder’s no good.”

“Pokey wasn’t the only option.”

Gougey glared at his brother, who just glared right back. Finally the first growled, “Very well. Well what are you waiting for? Chicken?”

At this taunt, Choppy hung his cleaver from his belt, before marching behind his brother. In turn, Gougey crouched down so that Choppy could climb onto his shoulders. They both turned their glares on the third brother, who sighed and moved to join them. With much grunting and cursing, they were able to Pokey on top of Choppy’s shoulders, at which point the fork wielder said, “I’m still not high enough.”

“Stand on my shoulders.”

“I don’t like heights.”

“And I don’t like carrying my two fat ass brothers on my shoulders, but you don’t hear me complaining. Do you?”

“This is stupid, but if you insist.”

It was, Manny admitted to himself, an impressive feat of strength by Gougey. However, it was a pretty pathetic implementation of the tumbler’s art. He knew it would take hours of practice for the three to find proper balance and for Pokey to not wobble precariously atop his perch. They presented a target Manny could not pass up, he darted forward.

Seeing this, Pokey stuck his arm out, pointed his carving knife at his onrushing foe and yelled, “Poooooooke!”

If he had kept his eyes open, he would have seen that Manny was not intending to joust with him. So Pokey completely missed seeing the bigxie sweep past, holding his spear out horizontally. Instead he only realized what was happening when he folded around the spear, as it slapped across the stomach and knocked him from his perch.

“Ooomph!”

Splat!

Scrambling off Gougey’s shoulders, Choppy hurried to his fallen brother’s side. In turn, Gougey shouted a number of dire threats at Manny, before turning to his brothers to ask, “How is he?”

“Well no thanks to your brilliant plan, but I thinks he’s just winded.”

“Why don’t you come up with something better?”

Their glares were back in full force, but then Choppy’s eyes lit up in inspiration and he said, “Rocks.”

No sooner did the word leave his mouth then he dashed towards a pile near the grotto’s wall. Manny knew the danger if the dwarfs started chucking rocks at him, particularly if the two spread out. So once more he darted forward, this time like a wasp attacking a pixie. Leading with a thrust of his shield, Manny crashed into the dwarf and despite appearances, he currently was far from being the fragile Lirial.

Choppy responded by saying, “eaooouugh” and collapsing to the ground.

There was no time to check the dwarf’s condition. Manny’s attack had exposed his back to his third opponent. So leaping into the air, he twirled to search for Gougey, raising his shield in hopes of deflecting any projection hurled in his direction.

There!

His eyes opening wide in shock, Manny saw that Gougey had interpreted rocks differently than his brother. Not for him were they to be used as missiles. Instead, Gougey had ran up a ramp, along a ledge, and projected himself into the air towards Manny.

“Gouououououge!”

About half way, the horrible truth penetrated the dwarf’s enraged mind.

“Ahhh, crap.”

Having heard the sound of fighting, Maude had hustled forward to help. She arrived just in time to see the gnomes noble leap of faith and the ignoble result. She spoke for both Manny and herself, when she said, “Goodness gracious, that looked like it hurt.”

Manny and Maude felt no twinges of conscience as they shackled the moaning threesome, though they had confirmed that none of dwarfs were seriously hurt. They took a moment for a drink and to go over the small gnome’s scouting report on the final batch of dwarfs, which consisted of Dummy (though he was now out of the picture), Boney, Bossy, and the ominously named, Alan. If the report was to be believed, Alan was the scariest of the bunch, even the triplets were afraid of him. However, the gnome had been unable to explain what made him so scary, having overheard the dwarfs calling him both a fighter and a magician.

Nervous about the ambiguous information, Manny once more asked, “Are you sure there isn’t anything you can do? Some offensive or defensive skills?”

“Sorry, Manny, they didn’t teach anything like that at Seamstrist school. Sure, the older students passed on the regular practical jokes, things like tying someone's boot laces together, choking them with their collar, and belt breaking to make people’s pants fall down. But those are not that serious of spells. Besides, if I knew anything more, why would I need a guard?”

“I guess there is nothing for it to blunder forward?”

“Some would say that is how I have lead my entire life,” Maude said, a wistful smile appearing on her face.

“Me too, I suppose. And I guess it has mostly worked, I’m still in one piece, a completely different piece, but one none-the-less. No reason to change now. So shall we blunder onwards?”

“After you.”

The next cavern, larger than the previous one, found their final opponents waiting. Bossy and Boney, Manny recognized immediately; however, his focus went to the third dwarf. Looking at him now, Manny wondered how he had not noticed him on the bridge, for Alan looked more the part of a villain than even the crazy red heads. Dressed all in black, Alan’s slicked back hair was the same colour, as was his beard, which had been trimmed, unlike the dwarfish norm, into a pointed goatee. However, it was the eyes, hooded beneath dark brows, that gave Manny pause. They looked so very cold, enough to make him shiver.

A shiver that did not escape Bossy. The bandit leader laughed and said, “Fool, why did you not escape when you had the chance. You may have evaded the monster, but you’ll learn we are much worse. Ain’t that right, Alan.”

This brought a sneer to the henchmen’s face, though Manny’s voice barely rose as he bravely said, “I’m not afraid, I kicked your red-headed goons’s asses and we’ll happily do the same to yours.”

“Get her Alan.”

At these words, Manny crouched down, behind his shield, thrusting his spear forward. But Alan was not an opponent like the rest he had faced in the Land Beyond. Not for him was the bull headed charge, instead his sneer changed into a smirk, as he took a pair of black leather gloves, folded into his black leather belt, and slowly put them on, pressing between each pair of fingers to ensure there were no wrinkles to the snug fit.

“So, Blondie, what is your choice. Would you have me into slice you into pieces or burn you in fire.”

Receiving no response to his taunt, Alan said, “Ahh, you wish me to choose, isn’t that nice of you?”

With these words, Alan walked towards a table and swept away the cloth that covered it. Neither Manny nor Maude could contain their gasp at the instruments of death displayed upon it; swords of multiple lengths and widths, maces, hammers, axes, dagger, wands, and staves. Many of these Alan gently caressed or fondled, turning questioning looks towards Manny and holding some up questioningly.

Finally Manny had enough of the act and said, “Just pick one. I’ll fight you with whatever.”

“Oh, so kind of you to leave the choice to. I choose...this...no no, maybe this...too messy...how about...yes perfect. I choose, to surrender.”

“What?” Manny asked, in shock.

“What!” Bossy shouted, in outrage.

“But, but, aren’t you the dangerous one?” Maude asked.

“Yeah.” Boney agreed.

“Well not really. See its how I look, everybody thinks I comb my hair and trim my beard way this way, but that’s just how it grows. And when they grew like this, everybody stopped picking on me. Gnomes started to respect me and I ate it up. You could say that while everybody else was cultivating squash, I was cultivating an air of sinister mystery.”

“You lied, you lying no-goodnick.”

“You got me there, Bossy. But really what did sinister mystery ever get me, except the company of dickheads like Gougey, Pervy, and yourself?”

“I’ll kill you.”

“Yeah right, I may not be much good, but I’ll still kick your fat ass.” While Bossy sputtered his outrage, Alan turned back to our intrepid duo and asked, “You know what I really want to do?”

Maude answered, “What would you like to do, Dearie?”

“Become an endive farmer. Not that I really know what an endive is, though I think its some leafy vegetable thing. But just say it with me, ennnn-diiive, isn’t that musical. Nothing like cabbage or carrot or turnip, they’re so pedestrian. But an endive, truly it is the vegetables of the minor deities who don’t get the manna that Gods eat. Though it wouldn’t surprise me to hear that Gods crumple manna up in a nice endive salad for an appetizer. Ennnnn-diiiive.”

“I’ll endive you right on the head, you endiving liar,” Bossy shouted, before he ran to Alan’s table, picked up a hammer, and began to chase his former henchman around the table.

After their fifth or sixth circuit, Manny had enough, and stepped forward to end it. However, Bossy spotted the move and scurried away. Stopping, he looked from Alan to Manny to Boney and asked, “Everybody going to Wing Chick tonight?”

“What?” Boney asked, confused by the question.

“You going to surrender also? Like a turtle?”

“I told you when you recruited me, Bossy. I’m a smeller, not a fighter.”

“Cowards, one and all. And when I offered you the world. But my will shall overcome all obstacles. My will and...get her, Boys!”

“Crap! Not again.” Manny shouted, as he turned around to ward off attack. But this time, nobody was there.

“Ha ha, fooled you again. Too bad your pixie brain were not enlarged with the rest of you.”

Turning back, Manny spotted the dwarfen leader running away. Curiously, he wondered to where. Then he spotted it, a small, dwarf-sized door frame in the rock wall. Not wanting to let the little bastard get away, Manny sprang forward in chase. But Bossy had too much of a head start, barely had Manny closed half the distance before his prey reached his destination.

Karunch!

Stopped as if had run into, well a rock wall, Bossy leaned against it for a moment. Turning, he gazed unblinkingly at Manny, smiled a silly smile, and keeled over.

“Wow, that must of hurt,” Boney said. “I really can’t understand why he still believed that you created a magical, escape tunnel.”

Alan shook his head and said, “Me neither”

The mop up turned out to be more work than the actual invasion. After finding Manny’s stolen armour, they drafted Alan, Boney, and Dummy to carry their shackled, former comrades out of Yeti Cave, Manny acting as guard, while Maude and her mirror returned to the Wayfarers post to get Andy and the wagon. When Maude returned, she found that their battered and bruised captives were all outside the cave, piled beside the first captive, Pervy.

Impressed with their quiet and meekness, she learned the reason for this when Pervy began to speak and Manny bonked him on the head with his spear. The dwarf scowled in the direction of his captor, but remained quiet.

Lifting the shackled seven into the wagon required Maude and Manny, the three surrenderers being too small. While doing so, Manny asked, “What are we going to do with them?”

“I guess will have to take them with us. At least until Hillfoot, the next town.”

“How far is that?”

“Three or four days.“

“This isn’t going to be fun.”

Just as they were about to climb up onto their seats, a large shadow flashed overhead. Manny did not squeak, that was one of the dwarfs in the back of the wagon. But he did blurt out, “What was that?”

Looking upwards, Maude said, “Oh dear, I had forgotten about that.”

“About what? What is it?”

“A dragon.”

“A dragon? Like a real fire breathing dragon?”

“I assume so, but don’t worry its not wild dragon. See when it appeared you had gone missing, I put in a distress call. I’m guessing this is a response to it. Probably I should have called it off, but in the excitement of your return I put it off. Then we got all wrapped up in planning this attack, then I had to deal with Mic’s request to outfit his gnomes and then convince him to buy that ermine trimmed cloak. Though really, I don’t think I had to do much convincing. Once I saw how good he looked in it, I knew he would take it. Nothing like nice clothes to make someone feel good about themselves.”

“The dragon, Maude. Is someone on it?”

“Probably a Paladin of the We’re Better Than You Order of St. Biff. They currently have the contract to provide security along the trade road.”

“Is that really their name?”

“Sure, St. Biff was their founder. Oh, or do you mean the whole, We’re Better than You thingee, well that’s true also. They have a big thing about honesty, though not so much of a big thing about arrogance. But it is fortunate that he showed up when he did, we can hand the dwarfs over to him.”

“Very fortunate. It’s almost like someone is making up our story as we go along.”

“Now, that’s just silly superstition, Manny.”

“I guess. After all, what type of mouth-breathing imbecile would dream up a story as stupid as this?”

“Too true. Too true. Now hop up, we really shouldn’t keep the paladin waiting.”

They didn’t, not for long. Still, when they reached the post, Sir Steve was not pleased, though his anger did not detract from his handsomeness. You know, the whole chiseled features, steely eyes, wide shoulders, minimum nose hair, and all that. However, he seemed to recognize Maude and was borderline respectful towards her, as she told him what had happened.

Ignored, Manny found himself staring at his armour. Finally deciding that it was not worth fighting the desire, he took it and his pack into the cabin and pixified his appearance. Ignoring his robe, he took a stick of candy, and exited the cabin.

No longer was he ignored. Sir Steve’s eyes bugged out at the bigxie’s modified appearance, then glazed over as he watched Manny suck on the candy. Gone was Sir Confident, as he stuttered responses to Maude, finally giving in to her demands that he take the dwarfs. Loading them into a cage on the back of his dragon, he soon was airborne.

Watching the dragon climb, Manny said, “A celibate order?”

“Yes.”

“Heheheheheh.”

“That wasn’t nice.”

Manny just grinned and shrugged, then he looked upwards again at a distant shout from Bossy. “I’ll get you, My Pretty. You, your witch, and your giant auroch too.”

Rolling his eyes, Manny asked, “So I never asked, how went your visit to Baronette Asudem?”

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked. Her snakes had just molted and their scales had this sparkling gold tint. It was almost a perfect match for that gold, silken bolt I showed you. I didn’t show you? Are you sure? Well I guess that isn’t important, just know that it was perfect. So I...”

The End (for now)

With his journey more than half complete, Andy the Auroch sees a chance to rest his weary hoofs when his wagon reaches Everlong Faire. Their he hopes to renew his burgeoning relationship with with Angie the Auroch. However, since Angie has not yet arrived, which caused Andy to spend most of his time eating and sleeping, let us focus on the other members of our intrepid threesome, Manny and Maude. Particularly since a colleague from the past threatens to tear them team apart.

Who's the Fairest
by Arcie Emm

Prologue

The scene belonged in a fairy tale. A beautiful summer day, the sun shining upon a meadow in which wolf pups boisterously chased one another about, yipping their joy at the moment. For a time they owned the world to themselves, but then, from a thicket of trees, a jay’s flight distracted them.

Let us leave them to their play, instead we will approach that thicket. For why else would it exist, if not to be mysterious?

Ah-hah, it hides a small hill, with an opening that surely leads to the den from which those adorable cubs came. Shall we venture inside, making life difficult for the author whose laziness shouts for him to quit? Of course we shall.

Oh-ho, is that a fire I hear? Is that candle light I see? Not something expected inside a wolf’s den, but this is not a normal den. Instead it has walls paneled in lustrous walnut and chairs so soft, so inviting, covered in ox blood coloured leather. Yet our eyes are drawn to those sitting in the chairs, specifically their hair. Extravagant enough to make one wonder if they were the high priests of the Hair Cult for Men. Two of them, one older and one younger with frames of wiry strength shaved the sides of their heads, but allowed the rest to grow long, before twining it into long braids. Unlike the others, the third man, burly and grizzled, his leather vest hiding few of his scars from past battles, let his bronzed mane flow free.

He yelled, “Liz! Liz, where’s that information?”

“Quit shouting, Wayne!”

This answer preceded the arrival of a woman with hair of a winter tigress, that is if a winter tigress had hair instead of fur and if that fur flowed like a river in the midst of winter thaw. Yes, dear reader, I too am momentarily struck by awe at the sight of her. Awe that someone so majestically proportioned remained standing.

Taking the leather bag from her, the burly man asked, “Is there a scry of him?”

“Inside.”

With the rolled up parchment in hand, he tossed the bag to the older man and walked to the one uncovered wall, its stone recently cleaned. The parchment unrolled, he used pieces of sap to stick it on the wall. An image of a dark haired man, an evil sneer on his face, almost as if the scry existed with the sole intention to say, ‘this is a bad guy.'

“Okay, Tongueblood, tell me about him.” Wayne said, as he reached for a piece of chalk.

“Simon Unkler! Stands 2 Yardovian metres tall and weighs in at 16 stones.”

“Big son-of-a-mother. He’ll be dangerous, so everybody be extra careful. What’s the charge?”

“He skipped out on his upcoming wedding to Duchess Cindi in Angharee.”

“So add desperate to his faults. Fortunately, I just heard from a little bird that spotted him entering a beer tent at Everlong Faire over at Fairetown. We’ve been asked by Knobby Green to capture him and that’s what we’re going to do. So everybody gear up.”

While the woman checked her make-up and changed into higher heeled boots, the three men pulled on chain-mail tunics and chose a cudgel. Done, they gathered in a circle, held hands, and bowed their heads, while their leader said, “Aeola grant us your blessings as you look down upon us during this day and night. Okay, Let’s go.”

At these words, the three men blurred. In their place stood 3 massive, fur covered beasts, each with the head of a wolf, but standing upon two legs.

“Big alpha’s on the prowl.” Said the woman, just before she underwent her own transformation, turning into a smaller, all white version of the others.

In unison, they dropped to all fours. Not long afterwards the den stood empty.

 
In Fairetown, the four asked around for Simon, showing people their scry. Their questioning led them, late in the evening, to the second floor of the Dancing Turtle inn, where Wolf questioned an innkeeper thrilled to help Wolf the Bounty Picker Upper.

“You’re sure this is Simon’s room?” Wolf asked.

“He uses a different name, Mr. Wolf, but he sure do match the scry you showed me. He appeared a couple days ago and replaced a right pretty thing.”

“And he’s in there now?”

“Yeppers, saw him return with my own three eyes.”

“Very well, do you have a spare key?”

“Oh, we don’t use keys, Mr. Wolf.”

“Do you give me permission to enter the room?”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Makes it legal for me to enter and look.”

“Wow, can I watch? I mean sure thing, Mr. Wolf Sir.”

“You can watch, but stand back and don’t get in the way. Ready, Treehand? Ready, Tongueblood?”

At their matched nods, he balled his hand into a fist and pounded on the door. “Simon Unkler, I know you’re in there.”

In answer, they heard a startled shout. “Whaa...”

All the cue Wolf needed, he said, “Get him.”

With this, the other two men burst through the door, cudgels in hand. There they found their target, groggily waking from a sleep, clad only in his drawers. Without hesitation, they yanked him off the bed, threw him to the ground, and kneeled above him with their weapons held threateningly over head.

This ended the man’s struggles, instead he yelled, “Don’t mace me! Don’t mace me!”

At this surrender, they each grabbed an arm and lifted him to his feet. While they tied his wrists together, Wolf said, “You didn’t think you could escape me, did you Simon?”

“Who are you? Wait, I’m not Simon. I’m...”

“You’re telling me this isn’t you, Motherpupper?” Wolf asked, the scry thrust in front of his prisoner.

“See it’s like this.”

He did not get any further before an older woman, dressed in a nightgown, entered the room and querulously asked, “What’s going on here?”

Liz moved towards her and said, “None of your business.”

“But he’s my employee.”

“Madam, you’re going to have to leave, you’re interfering with the sanctioned bond collection of Simon Unkler and I’m not going to let you take food away from my children.”

“Your children? What are you talking about?”

“Listen, bi...”

“No, you listen to me, that is not Simon Unkler. That is my bodyguard, Manny kin Nichino.”

Sergeant Unkler

Once again Manny found himself cast adrift by his employer. Andy’s reigns in hand, he walked away from the Sisterhood of Seamstrist’s tent within the Everlong Faire grounds, Maude’s locale for the next three weeks while its regular proprietress partook in the annual Extreme Cheese Wheel Rollathon from Madron to Lisbid. With everything unloaded, a task simplified by the witch’s walking trunks, he soon dispatched the wagon and auroch, the first to the guarded area at the Faire’s edge and the other into the hands of the Faire’s herdsmen.

Now, with his employer's gentle suggestion that he entertain himself in mind, Manny wandered the faire, seeing much of interest, but with a nearly empty purse he withstood temptation. Not that he planned to stop, for amongst the many strange sights and beings at the Faire, he stood out amongst the strangest. Even with his robe, he drew stares, be they surprise, lust, or envy. True, trapped as a bigxie for weeks, Manny found himself less bothered than in the past by the attention, but it still owned the power of frustration. He kept moving, ignoring both vendors who hawk their wares and side stepping those of the male species overly impressed with themselves.

Not long after avoiding an entire pack of such creatures, he noticed a cloaked man skulk into a tent. The way the man’s eyes darted about, lingering on nothing, even the bigxie in the street, initially drew Manny’s attention. But what held it were the familiar mannerisms. The way the man walked, even his shape. Manny felt sure he saw Sergeant Unkler, who once served as quartermaster in the Beige Baron’s regiment. And though never bosom companions, the man often chose Manny's squad to protect him during his ventures. Almost he turned into the drinking tent, but kept walking. Yet at the end the lane, he returned the way he came, peeking inside to see the sergeant by himself at the back. Manny continued onward, but the hint of the idea took hold and tossed aside potential embarrassments at the possibility to regain some normalcy in his life. Therefore, midway through his fourth trip along the lane, he entered the tent and approached the watching man. A smile came across the sergeant’s face, one Manny suspected explained the man's success with woman that the rest of the regiment envied.

“I’m was not planning on buying anything, but you may be able to change my mind, Gorgeous.”

“Sergeant Unkler, I’m Manny kin Nichino. From the regiment.”

For years, Sergeant Unkler kept the regiment well fed and equipped, because he did not easily surprise. This situation proved no different, he allowed an appreciative eye to run over Manny's form, barely hidden by the fitted robe, before he said, “I think I would have known if someone looking like you was in the regiment. However, Corporal Nichino was a rather large, foreboding fellow.”

Manny searched his mind for a memory to convince Unkler. “Honest, Sergeant, it’s me. Remember the campaign between the Counts of Dalodone and Tekmag. How when one of our patrol’s stumbled upon the Countess of Dalodone, the Baron ransomed her off without telling the Tekmageans. Well my squad guarded her tent the night before the hand over and I know you received a reward that didn’t fit within the regiment’s coffers.”

“Ahh, Nichino, I knew I could rely on your silence, you always were the solid sort. How in the name of all that is holy did you find yourself so...ummm...spectacular.”

Manny waved off an approaching barmaid and took a seat across from the man. In a soft voice, the former corporal explained his adventures in the Land Beyond. Finished, he waited for the other to express his disbelief.

“So, I’m guessing you’re hoping to borrow my image?”

“Well, I...”

“I don’t know, Corporal. How would it look if you got in trouble while looking like me?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t do anything like that, Sergeant.”

Unkler nodded his head. “No, you’re not the type.”

 
Locked into the main holding pen of Fairetown’s gaol, with the pick pockets, drunks, and rowdies common inside Everlong Faire, Manny alternated between glaring at the riff raff and cursing himself for an idiot. Why let Unkler disarm him with the comment about causing trouble? Everybody, including the two men, knew Manny may not be the type to do so, but the same could not be said for the sergeant. And why did no alarm trigger when the man met him at Maude’s tent without asking for anything in return?

The sergeant was an asshole. Everybody in the regiment knew that, but accepted it because he was their asshole. But the regiment no longer existed and Manny should have remembered the Baron controlled his problem children through the constant threat of Lieutenant Finkle, who relished an earned reputation as a vicious killer.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” Manny said.

“Shut up, git.” The nearest man, a scrawny thief, snarled.

Despite being a softy, Manny knew you needed to be hard in hard places; therefore, he only stared, until the man looked away. For though Unkler could not cast as foreboding figure as Manny’s true form, he could cow most scrawny thieves.

What sucked the most, he last couple days were pure joy. Though grown used to life as a bigxie, as a female, even enjoyed it a time or two, it never felt right. Returned to malehood, he felt more himself, so much so that a smile never left his face, at least until the bounty hunters burst through his door. A smile he tried upon more than a few pretty maidens, while he tried to build enough confidence to see where their answering smiles may lead. Now he wouldn’t get the chance.

Once more Manny wondered about Sergeant Unkler’s crime. He guessed at a minor offense, otherwise they would not place him in the common cell. Besides he need not worry, surely he could convince the authorities they held the wrong man. Maude told him that everybody knew about shape changing in the Land Beyond.

Maude.

Her actions of the prior night, her ferociousness when confronting the pack of bounty hunters, made him smile. Only her presence stopped them from bundling him out of Fairetown before anybody knew. Instead she forced them to hand him over to the town’s authorities. Furthermore, she also convinced them to let him dress, which after spending time in the cold pen further increased his gratitude.

Gaolty?

While wondering if he would ever fall asleep, three gaol keepers appeared at the gate to the holding pen, where one shouted. “Simon Unkler! Simon Unkler to the gate.”

Looking out a barred window to see it still dark, he hoped their early arrival meant they planned to set him free. But that did not explain why they called him by the sergeant's name. Realizing an answer waited, he moved toward the gate. The gaol keeper in charge, a bald headed man larger than Manny’s true self, opened the door, while the second shackled Manny. The three then escorted him into a long hall, past numerous doors, until they came to a stop.

The bald gaol keeper said, “Inside.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Hesitantly, he stepped into the small room, where Maude waited. “Maude, you’re here!”

“Did you doubt me, Manny?” She asked.

For the first time since the ordeal had begun, Manny smiled. “Actually, I never did. Thank you.”

She offered a smile in return. “Of course. But we have little time for pleasantries, let me introduce you to your lawyer, Barrister Ashley Ashtonson.”

Manny only stared, not with the glower offered the thief in the pen, but with the wonder so often experienced since he crossed the Bridge of Happening. For there stood, on short, stumpy, root like legs, a man tree, with leaves for hair above a face etched into the trunk.

“You’re a lawyer?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The ent asked, his voice a deep, melodious timbre. “There is no reason an ashent cannot be a lawyer, justice doesn’t only matter to oakents.”

As his voice rose, Manny hurried to apologize. “No, no, I’m sorry. It isn’t because you’re an, ashent was it? I know nothing about, umm, ashents.”

“Ahh, forgive me. Aren’t I the one, jumping to conclusions. So you’re not like my family, believing nobody likes a wise ash?”

“What’s wrong with a wise ash?”

“Exactly. That’s what I asked my parents when they tried to void my scholarship to law school. They don’t understand I have a calling, instead they want me to leave my practise and join the family’s interpretive dance troupe.”

“Umm, well I’m happy to have your help. What type of pickle Sergeant Unkler has gotten me into?

“Yes, yes, let us focus upon the now. It, not the past, is what is important. Fortunately it is only a contract issue, instead of a crime. Unfortunately, the other party in the contract is quite powerful, the Duchess of Were.”

“Where?”

“Exactly.”

“No, Duchess of where?”

Before this could get out of hand, Maude interrupted and said, “Manny, not where, but were as in were-wolves, were-ponies, and such.”

“Ahh, weres are real? I guess this is the Land Beyond. So how did he rip her off?”

“Apparently your Sergeant Unkler was to marry the Duchess, but he disappeared before the wedding. Her people hope to have him, well now you, extradited back to Angharee, the Ducal Seat.”

Manny said, “That doesn’t sound right, the sergeant often spoke about finding some rich woman to look after him.”

“He probably learned the Duchess is a were-spider, like her mother. The Grove knows there are enough ghastly rumours about her father’s demise, nearly nine months before she was born.”

Manny’s eyes widened. “They’re going to make me marry a spider! Uh-buh-uh-whu...”

“Not if I can help it, I see no reason why we cannot prove you are yourself, not Simon Unkler. Though it would be best not to look like him.”

As eager as he turned into Unkler, Manny felt even more eager to rid himself of the man’s form. Therefore, he hurried to stand in front of the mirror. He said, “Maybe Liriel, Maude? She’s so innocent looking.”

“Not a good idea, Manny. It was in Fairetown she found out about her cheating boyfriend. Dealing with the fallout is what brought Ashley and myself together the first time.”

The ashent would have nodded his head at this, except for the whole no neck thing, instead he said, “I agree, Liriel is not a good choice. She left a rather black mark behind when she vanished from town. Maude mentioned you are usually what she called a bigxie, that is best.”

Flicking through the different images, Maude found the pink-armoured bigxie image. Almost normal now, the change came quickly, marked only by the clang of metal as the shackles slipped from suddenly thinner wrists and fell to the floor.

“Oh, we can’t have that. Don’t want to look like you are trying to escape.” At these words, Ashley gracefully moved to the door and opened it to the distrustful stare of the large gaol keeper and he asked. “Excuse me, your shackles fell off, can you come put them back on.”

Their rush inside, momentary bottle necked at the door, come to a sudden stop when the three men spotted the transformed prisoner. Gaping and drooling ensued before the leader’s wits returned. “Hey, what’s going on here? Where’s the prisoner? And who’s she?”

“They’re one and the same, officer. My client had been transformed and we felt it best to return her to her normal appearance before court.”

“Umm, but, umm, okay. Let’s see about those shackles.” The large gaol keeper said, as he knelt to pick them up, stopped for a moment to admire Manny from the new angle, he reluctantly rose to place the shackles around the prisoner’s outstretched arms.

CLANG!!

“Damnit, they don’t fit. We’ll need to get another pair.”

“I won’t try to escape.”

Now Manny’s voice held none of the vamp, which humbled Sir Steve, he just spoke in that sultry voice Maude gave him early in their journey. Yet the gaol keepers were not tempered in the same fire of righteousness as the paladin, which meant one swayed, another’s knees buckled, and the bald one gulped nervously.

“Uhmm, okay.”

Ashley saved them from further thought, when he said, “Maybe we should head to the courtroom, officers.”

“Alrighty then.”

“So early?” Manny asked, “It’s not yet morning.”

Ashley answered, “We, in Fairetown, pride ourselves on our justice system. All those arrested during the night have the right to see a judge before the morning damp is burned away.”

The seven of them - three guards, a seamstress, her mirror, the ashent lawyer, and the bigxie prisoner - left the room and walked down the hallway into a large waiting room, which held a number of guards and prisoners, all of whom became distracted by their admiration for the colour pink. While they waited, Ashley asked the gaol keeper. “Who’s sitting?”

“Judge Rock.”

Smiling at the news, Ashley led them to the side where they waited in silence. Finally the gaol keepers, at some unseen signal, led them into a small courtroom, similar to most of its kind, with two desks at the front. Behind the lower stood a plump, dark skinned man, while behind the higher and larger desk sat a tall, thin man, idly shuffling a deck of cards.

A merry twinkle in his eyes, the think man’s gaze as they darted from face to face. Stopping on Manny, he grinned mischievously and asked, “What do we have, Zac?”

The man at the lower desk read from a sheet of parchment. “It is a 223-B, Your Honour.”

“Flying while under the influence?”

“No, Your Honour, it is an extradition request from the Duchy of Were for one Simon Unkler.”

“For what dastardly deed is Simon Unkler wanted?”

“A breech of contract.”

“And where is he?” The judge asked.

“I would ask the same.”

Everybody turned to see an impeccably dressed middle-aged man, his salt and pepper hair coiffed to perfection, enter through the main door. Strolling forward, he said, “Your Honour, allow me to introduce myself. I am Phillip del Fia, Court Advocate to the Duchess of Were. When we learned her betrothed had been found, she dispatched me to see to his speedy return. However, I do not see him?”

Ashley said, “If I may, Your Honour?”

“Ahh, Barrister Ashtonson, can you clear up this mystery?”

“Yes, Your Honour. You see it is a matter of mistaken identity.” Ashley said. “My client, Manny kin Nichino, was transformed to appear as this Unkler. While transformed, the bounty picker upper Wolf took her into custody.”

del Fia said, “That seems rather convenient.”

Judge Stone agreed. “Yes it does, can you prove what you say?”

“We can, Your Honour. Seamstrist Maude Zbornak, who is my client’s employer, performed the transformation with her mirror, which registered all changes. The truth can be confirmed easily enough.”

“Zac?”

“On it, Your Honour.” The clerk said, rummaging around in his desk to find a large scroll wrapped mostly around the bottom of its two wooden rollers. Holding it before him, Zac chanted, “Manny, Manny, bo banny, Banana fana fo fanny, Fe fi mo anny, Manny!”

At these words the scroll, well, scrolled from the thick to thin roll, stopping when each neared the same thickness. Now scrolling it manually Zac began said, “Anderson ... Duckles ... Jornigen ... ahh, here it is, kin Nichino. Well there’s a recognizable name and that too. Your Honour, it is as Barrister Ashtonson said, Manny kin Nichino was transformed into Simon Unkler three afternoons ago.”

“Very well, I guess it’s case dis...”

The duchess’s advocate interrupted both the judge’s words and swinging gavel, to say, “Excuse me, Your Honour, I would bring to your attention the case of Ticolodin vs Principality of Desolence.”

“Eh?”

“In it, the Court of Desolense, determined in willingly taking upon the form of another, the transformed may also takes upon the debts of the form.”

“I see.”

“Your Honour, the Court of Desolense holds no jurisdiction within Fairetown.” Ashley stated, in protest.

“True, but it’s rulings are highly respected, it may be a good idea to bump it up to a higher court.”

“The courts of Angharee are at your disposal, Your Honour.” del Fia volunteered.

“And my client would get a fair trial from twelve Angharee men?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you for your offer, Advocate del Fia, but Fairetown can manage on its own. What’s available, Zacadamian?”

“There’s an opening in five days, shall I book it?”

“Counselors?” Judge Stone questioned. Upon receiving two affirmatives, he asked, “Anything else?”

“I expect my client will be free until that time, Your Honour?”

“I would hope not, Your Honour. We know she is friends with a known runner. Plus she is obvious a flight risk.”

A boyish grin appeared on the judge’s face as he said, “I understand your concern, Advocate del Fia. However, Miss Nichino has currently done nothing for which I can detain her.”

“Your Honour...”

Ashley interrupted his opponent’s protests, to say, “Your Honour, my client will give her oath that she will not flee before her trail.”

Concerned less by the frequent uses of hers, shes, and misses than the possibility of returning to the gaol, Manny eagerly nodded agreement.

Distracted by the resulting bounce and sway of ... umm ... umm ... yeah, that’s it ... umm ... of long blond hair, Judge Rock took a moment to say, “That would work. Do you so swear, Miss Nichino?”

“I swear, Your Honour.”

Noticing the dazzled manner in which the judge gazed upon Manny, Phillip del Fia plotted the next move in his legal dance. Although nary a twirled mustache provided a hint to his thoughts.

Monitor

The outcome in Judge Rock’s courtroom raised some questions in Ashley's mind, which led the barrister to scurry further into the courts to research the trial del Fia raised as precedence. Meanwhile, Maude guided her guard back to their inn, leaving him with orders to get some sleep and to not leave his room. Rankled by the orders, he changed out of his armour into his nightgown, lay upon the bed, and thought about the trouble into which he continued to find himself. Fortunately skills developed as a soldier allowed him to bury his worries beneath slumber.

Slumber broken once more by the sound of a knock on the door. Shocked awake, Manny leapt into the air, his wings blurring to hold him aloft. This time the door did not burst open. Flitting to the door, he settled upon the floor, and asked, “Who is it?”

“Auxiliary Gaol Keeper Ruck Ankiel.”

“What do you want? I thought I was free to go?”

“I’m not here to arrest you, I’m your monitor.”

“What?”

“Your monitor. The court assigned me to watch over you.”

Lack of sleep, anger at Unkler’s schemes, annoyance with his entire girlification in the Land Beyond combined in a frustration that made Manny yank open the door and snarl, “I said I wouldn’t run.”

But he saw nobody.

“Down here, Toots.”

Few know of the Island of Tontimtona, in the Sea of Pokato, but those who do, know it has little to recommend it as a place for a ship to stop. Sure, it could serve as the setting for Paradise, but so could the hundreds of other islands that surrounded it. However, Tontimtona did have the Hole of Meleguhle, so named by the people of the island in honour of the great sea tortoises that swam out of the sea and marched there to die.

After many centuries, this left the hole filled with a rich dirt, flecked with broken-up tortoiseshell. Dirt the witch doctors of the island used for everything from poultices to the lustrous dyes that offered the one reason for traders to stop. Dyes produced by the most experienced witch doctors, requiring most of a life’s learning before one would even be allowed to harvest from the hole, never mind perform the secret ritual to create the dye. A ritual that brought together all skills learned after children proved their worth to walk the path of the witch doctor. Proof that required a child to pass the Test of the Wawkini, where they crafted the Wawkini paste used by the people’s warriors to cover themselves before night raids upon neighbouring islands. A paste they believed made them invisible to all but the Moon Goddess, Alice, and which mostly consisted of the droppings of seagulls.

Now if you’ve ever spent time in the study of seagull droppings, and really who hasn’t, you know that like snowflakes, no two are the same. Nor do two sets of droppings react consistently with the other ingredients in Wawkini paste; palm fronds, ground up barracuda, silt from the bottom of the sea, and saffron. Which explained why only those whose spirits were rich in chlorimidians (amazingly enough, usually children of witch doctor families) could pass the Test of the Wawkini and begin the long years of study to obtain their witch doctorate. Regardless of success or failure, the paste invariably ended up a putrid grey green colour.

Manny did not count amongst those who knew about the Island of Tontimtona, nor even the Sea of Pokato, so he knew nothing about Wawkini Paste. But if he did, he surely would think the rough hide of the giant lizard, which waited in the hallway, matched the colours of that paste. However, unaware of the comparison, he just thought the putrid grey green colour, marked with tens of scars, provided only one reasons to make the beast horrifying. For it stood, almost as high as his knees, on four viscously clawed feet, its tail, longer than its body, drooping through the railing of the upper floor, while hundreds, maybe thousands, of serrated teeth shared a mouth with blood tinged drool. Barely did Manny stop himself from shrieking and leaping into the air, the only thing that stopped him was curiosity about the an eye-patch the lizard wore over its right eye. For it showed the same patch found on the chests of the gaol keepers, a sad jester looking out through four bars.

Looking at Manny, the lizard scooched forward and rose upright upon its hind legs. Ignoring the resulting, unstoppable bigxie shriek and leap, Ruck’s dexterous claws worked the buckles of a pouch strapped to his torso and removed a piece of parchment. This he held towards Manny and said, “A note of explanation from your barrister.”

Nervously reaching out, fearing the loss of a hand, Manny took the offering, unfolding it to read:

Dear Manny,

After you left, del Fia arranged an appearance before Judge Wilco Wilcoxovich, with whom he went to law school. This resulted in an arrangement for you to be monitored. I have filed a protest, but for now you will need to accept Ankiel`s presence.

Sincerely,
Ashley Ashtonson, BL

“I’m not going anywhere, Maude told me to wait in my room.”

“That’s great, still I’m to stick to you like a worm to the ground. Well not figuratively, I’m not covered in the tasty slime that coats a worm.”

About then Manny realized he stood in the doorway wearing nothing more than his nightgown, the one gifted to him by Nikki, the one which Maude steadfastly refused to replace, a naughty smile appearing on her face whenever he asked. With his recent luck, he felt surprised that hall remained empty of everyone but Ruck; however, not wishing to further tempt fate, he said, “Umm...okay. I guess you may as well come in.”

Once Ruck entered, Manny closed the door. Hands upon hips, he looked down at the lizard, who in turn looked up at him, and asked, “So how does this work?”

Ruck answered, “Well you do whatever you usually do, while I watch to ensure what you usually do does not involve leaving Fairetown.”

“And if I do try to leave.”

“Well I run fast and have lots of teeth, you can find out what that means if you want. No skin off my snout.”

“I can fly.”

“So I see, which is why they picked me to be your monitor, see I’m a were-dragon.”

“A what?”

“Were-dragon.”

“But...”

“Why would I stay a lizard, if I could be a glorious dragon? You wouldn’t ask if you knew the size of my appetite when I’m in dragon form, couldn’t afford to keep myself fed on a civil servant’s wage without the backing of mommy or daddy’s hoard.”

“I was going to say, doesn’t there need to be a full moon for you to turn into a dragon.”

“With you there’ll always be a full moon overhead, true maybe hidden by a pink silken cloud, but its there none-the-less.”

It took a moment before Manny figured it out. When he did, he tried to pull the nearly transparent skirts of his nightgown lower, blushed a pink to match that silken cloud, and shouted. “Hey!”

“Don’t worry, Toots, you’re not my type. Though hearing the guys talk about you in the wardroom today, I may be alone in that.”

“My name’s Manny.”

“Sure thing, Toots.”

“Don’t call...ahh, never mind. So about the full moon.”

“During the day the moon looks forward to make sure she doesn’t run into a star while we chase her through the heavens. But she’s still there, we just can’t see her. Then during the night she looks back to ensure we still follow, offering a stare, a wink, or a glower. Regardless, the moon is always full, so I can go were whenever, if ever, you attempt to escape.”

“You’re going to be bored, I can’t leave the inn.”

”I’m a lizard, we live to be bored. Now if there’s no further questions, why don’t you get back to what you were doing, sleep apparently, and I will join you. Whoops, that didn’t come out quite right, you sleep on the bed, I’ll sleep in front of the door, since the window’s too small for you to squeeze through.”

Sleep did offer an escape from life’s insanity, so Manny climbed once more under his blanket, while Ruck put action to words and lay in front of the door. Both had nearly succumbed when another worry popped into Manny’s mind.

“Hey!”

“Now what?”

“If you’re a were, how do I know you’re not in cahoots with the Duchess of Were to kidnap me like that Wolf guy?”

“She’s only the duchess of weres there in Were, not weres here or not in Were. Besides the weres in Were don’t like beast-weres like me. They think they’re the true weres and their agents are always here and they’re trying to get weres not in Were in trouble with their neighbours. I don’t like Were weres.”

Hearing the conviction in Ruck’s words, Manny said, “That makes sense.”

Foci Group

Late afternoon found Manny awake, Ruck proving his contention the bigxie was not his type when he did little more than temporarily open his single eye while his charge changed into pink armour. However, once dressed Manny mentioned his hunger. Immediately Ruck awoke, willing to head down to the common area for a meal. They bonded while demanding the innkeeper, whom Manny had not forgiven for the bounty hunters raid, feed the lizard raw meet. The man’s sullen acceptance almost made up for watching Ruck eat.

Their meal finished, the two wondered what to do with themselves until a young scruffian entered the inn, ducked under the outstretched hands of the innkeeper, and dashed to their table, where he asked, “Are you Manny kin Nichino?”

“No, I’m Ruck Ankiel.”

“Not you, silly, the pretty lady with wings. Hey, you’re a talkin’ lizard.”

Knowing boys would find a talking lizard more interesting than a pretty lady with wings, Manny said, “I’m Manny, why are you looking for me?”

Not taking his eyes off Ruck, the boy said, “The witch sent me.”

“Maude?”

“I don’t know her name, but she’s the one in the Sisterhood’s tent. She said I was to get you to come visit and to bring her something to eat.”

“Now?”

The boy turned his gaze to Manny to answer, “Yep and she said you would give me a fairething when I delivered the message.”

“An entire fairething, that is generous of her. Maybe we should check with her first.”

“Did I say a fairething, I meant a quarter-fairething.”

Deeming that reasonable, Manny took a coin from his purse and tossed it to the boy. Who, in turn, looked back at Ruck, just in time to see the lizard’s tongue whip out to catch a fly. Wide-eyed the boy stared until Ruck winked at him, which caused the boy to laugh before he dashed out the same way in which he arrived.

Manny asked, “Can I go to Maude’s tent?”

“Yep, we can go anywhere within the boundaries of Fairetown.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

 
With Maude's lunch in hand, the two began the trek to the faire-grounds. And if a full sized pixie in a snow white robe did not already draw the eye, adding a giant lizard did nothing to minimize the stares. Not that Manny noticed, lost in his thoughts, nor did Ruck care. At the Sister of Seamstrist’s tent, they watched a bored Maude eat lunch while she bemoaned the lack of customers. While Manny commiserated with his employer, two ents entered the tent. Ashley carried a basket, while for some reason the other seemed female. Not because she wore a dress, both ents were as bare barked as the day they sprouted, but because of her long, lush, red foliage of maple leaves, pruned just so.

His guess proved correct with Ashley's introductions. “Maybelline this is our client Manny kin Nichino. Manny this is my particular friend, Maybelline L’Ouest, who I retain as image consultant for my clients.”

“Image consultant?” Manny asked.

“Exactly, while Ashley does a formidable job presenting the legalities of his clients’s cases, he needs my assistance to ensure they make a good first impression with the jury. For example, you need to portray the innocent, not the temptress.”

“I am innocent.” Manny said.

“Yes, that is all well and good, but your opinion hardly matters in a trial, does it? But first, let me speak to Maude for a moment.”

While the maplent and Seamstrist talked, Manny turned towards his barrister and again asked, “Image consultant?”

“She’s very good. She served as the head costumer of the Non-Royal Ballet Academy of Beechswutz and now freelances for the musical troupes and acting companies based in Fairetown. That’s when she not offering this special skill to the community’s defenders. Besides I like when she’s around.”

An owner of more than a few past infatuations, Manny said nothing, instead he watched as Maybelline removed small crystal pyramids from the basket. Seeing Maude’s excitement, Manny asked his barrister what they were doing.

“Maybelline captured the essence of many of Fairetown citizens into each crystal foci. When grouped together, she can divine how a defendant should present themselves to a jury of similar citizens.”

“So this foci group will make the jury realize I’m innocent?”

“Not quite, Manny, the courts do not tolerate such magic. Better to say it seeks to ensure no juror takes an immediate dislike towards you.”

As the two talked, the maplent placed the fist sized foci in a circle upon the tent’s floor. Then she took one last large, crystal pyramid from the basket and tossed it in the air. But it did not fall, instead it hovered, just below the tent’s peak, in the middle of the circle.

“Manny could you stand in the middle of the circle?” Maybelline asked.

With a smile of reassurance from Maude, Manny moved forward, his wings momentarily blurring as he hopped over the circle of pyramids. He watched as Maybelline stretched her limbs to the side and said, “Lights! Come on! Action!”

Manny found himself inside a strange rainbow. Each of the nearly thirty pyramids shot a beam of coloured light, upwards in a pyramid above his head. In their current incarnation a third of the beams showed red, a third blue, and a third green, which coalesced into a dark grey, almost black, shadow that grasped him in its embrace. From outside this veil came Ruck’s voice.

“That better not be a teleport device.”

“Eeek, a giant lizard!”

“Worry not, Maybelline.” Ashley said. “That’s Ruck Ankiel, he’s Manny’s court appointed monitor.”

“Once more, or this tent is going full dragon, is that a teleport device?”

“No, Lizter Ankiel, it’s an Attitudinal Divination Devise. And right now it has divined a third of the potential jurors, those who shine red, will look unkindly upon Miss kin Nichino. If possible we seek to turn the reds and blues to green, but at a minimum want all reds to turn blue.”

Maude said. “Like I mentioned earlier, I believe Manny could pull off sweet and adorable.”

Maybelline agreed. “Probably?”

“Definitely.”

“I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Shush, Manny, you always carp about new clothes.”

“I liked the suit you gave me at the cab...urk.”

Jerked into the air by Maude’s magic, she cut short his protest before. Then his armour disappeared into the holding chest, replaced with a blank like those worn when he modeled for the pixie’s dresses. With each of these changes, some of the beams of light would changed colour, bathing him in different shades. Yet this proved only the beginning. For when Maude made changes, quick as her thoughts or the image consultant’s word, kaleidoscopic world also changed. First, it distracted him from the ribbons and lace that soon adorned the dress. Then, it distracted him from reality, testing his innate bigxie sense of place, necessary for flying. And even that sense could not combat the spots that appeared in his vision, growing like bubbles in lava until they burst, new ones forming in their wake.

Lost in colours, it took a moment to realize he stood upon the ground. He asked, “What did you do to me?”

From his right, Maybelline answered, “Step through and see in the looking glass.”

“I can’t see.”

At this rather plaintive statement Manny felt Maude reach out to take his hand and guide him forward a number of steps. He stood, rubbing his eyes, creating more own bubbles, which burst into clarity.

Only his shoes, of pixie manufacture, stiletto heeled and covered in shiny black leather with a buckled strap across his foot, would not be worn by the young daughter of a wealthy family. But above those shoes, his white stockings rose above his knees to disappear beneath the lace trim of multiple underskirts. In turn, all but the trim of the underskirt was hidden beneath the two ruffles of his blue dress, lace and ribbon at the waist, neck and capped sleeves. Manny’s immersion in the ADD even left him with a blue ribbon tied in now wavy hair.

“I look like a little girl.”

“Now I’m no expert on human anatomy, since my school couldn’t afford cadavers for earth sciences. But I’m fairly sure little girls don’t have those big bumps.” Ruck said.

Jury Selection

“I wish I could fly.” Manny said, in an attempt to distract himself from fiddling with the rose trimmed hem of his white pinafore, which Maude added to keep his dress clean while she made him perform inventory on her bottomless button chest.

“If you buy me a cow, I’ll let you fly.”

“A cow, Ruck? Why”

“Simple. If you fly, I have to fly. If I have to fly, I need to become an extremely handsome dragon. If I become a dragon, I will become real hungry and need to eat a cow. And the authorities will only redeem my cow expenses if it results from my foiling an escape. So unless you’re going to attempt escape, you need to buy me a cow to eat before we go flying.”

“I’m not going to escape, specially now we’re at the court house.”

“That’s when many criminals decide the gig is up and make a desperate run for it.”

“I’m not a criminal.”

Manny’s protest held less than total conviction. For how could he be sure of anything while he looked like a goddess, dressed as grammy's special girl, and held a conversation with a giant lizard. Sometimes he expected to wake from a dream at his parents. Or, more likely, in the middle of the Beige Baron's camp, feverish because the cooks used the wrong mushrooms in the stew. However, he did not wake, instead the strangeness increased when he spotted Ashley, in a black robe and with a white wig atop his leaves.

Ruck said, “I’ll leave you with your barrister. Meanwhile, I’m off the wardroom, the guy’s will be so envious I got to see you naked.”

“Hey, I thought I wasn’t your type?”

“You’re not. But I know a couple of horndogs who'll buy me lunch based on what I saw. Good luck and see you later, Toots. Unless of course the judge sends the weres home or you to the Were home. In which case, glad to meet you.”

“Thanks, Ruck.”

Manny hurried towards the ent, who offered a confident smile and said, “Don’t look so worried, Manny. Advocate del Fia is the one with the tough job, not us.”

Heartened somewhat by those words, he still thought del Fia well equipped to handle tough jobs. Yet he did not put his fears into words, instead he put on a brave face as the two entered the courthouse. Following Ashley up a couple of flights of stairs, they walked through a crowd of misfits into the higher court where his case would be heard. Inside, they found a courtroom similar to Judge Rock’s, though the judge's desk seemed carved from stone and the room held seats for spectators, all of which sat empty. The administrating clerk, a viscous looking orc, pointed to the right table, closest to the jury box. They settled into place just as a silent del Fia arrived to sit at the other table.

With both parties arrived, the clerk knocked on a door at the front the room. Through it a second orc appeared, almost a twin of the first, though wearing a gaol-keeper’s uniform. While the clerk returned to the small desk, the bailiff marched between the two parties, towards the room's main entrance. Opening the door, he stuck his head out, and yelled, “Hey, you lot, come in and find a seat.”

While the bailiff returned to stand to the side of the judge's desk, Manny asked Ashley why there was an audience.

"Those aren't spectators, they’re the jury pool."

"Them?" Manny asked, more than a bit worried this group would choose his fate. "Do we need to have a jury?"

"It's okay, Manny, Maybelline's foci were based upon this group. After all, nobody else has time to serve on juries."

Once everyone found a seat, the orcs exchanged a look, the bailiff cleared his throat and said, “Everybody rise. Rise I say. Good. Raise your left hand and your right hand. Now bring them together to welcome the Bringer of Light, the Terror of the Dark, the One, the Only, Justice Bufort T. Bonecrusher.”

The potential jurors clapped, applause that turned feverish when an explosion of flame and smoke appeared at the door from which the bailiff entered. The door through which ducked a figure out of a nightmare. Massive and ugly, skin warted green, with fangs almost to his eyes and below his chin. Yet the ogre wore a robe and wig similar to both lawyers. Basking in the applause, he stared with baleful red eyes at both tables.

(Suddenly, the judge spins in place, coming to a stop with a finger pointed towards del Fia. He begins to sing in a soulful and powerful voice.)

Judge Bonecrusher	What you want, plaintiff, I got
	What's you need? You know I got it.
	All you're askin' is for a little justice in my courtroom.
	Hey plaintiff, in my courtfoom, plaintiff.
Clerk and Bailiff	(begin to sing background, jiving to the left with a clap, then to right.)
Audience	(claps along)
Judge Bonecrusher	J U S T I C E
	Find out what it means to me
	J U S T I C E
	And to all of thee
	(Spin and point toward Manny)
	I ain't gonna do you wrong, defendent
	I ain't gonna do you wrong because I don't wanna
	All you're askin' is for a little justice in my courtroom.
	Hey accused, in my courtfoom, listen.
	J U S T I C E
	Find out what it means to me
	J U S T I C E
	And to all of thee
	All you want, ooh yeah, is a little justice
	Yeah, plaintiff, a little justice
	Oh accused, just some justice
	(twirl once more then moonwalk towards desk)
	(face the appreciative jurors and stunned plaintiff and defendant)
Clerk and Bailiff	(while the judge moves to the desk, alternatively point at each table, first with the right arm and then the left)
	judgment for you
	judgment for you
	judgment for you
	judgment for you
	(drag out the final word, allowing the strength of their voices to drop)
	Ooooooo
Judge Bonecrusher	(sing the last line, raising his arms towards the sky)
	Oooh, you want a little justice.
	(hold the final note)
Audience	(clap louder)
Judge Bonecrusher	(drop arms dramatically and sit behind desk)

Judge Bonecrusher said, “Please be seated. The jury selection of the The Duchy of Were versus Manny kin Nichino will now begin.”

A smattering of applause, accompanied the shuffle of chairs as everybody took his seat. The judge looked at the clerk and pointed his ears towards the seats behind the tables. At this gesture, the orc moved amongst the crowd, handing out small shingles of wood, Justice Bonecrusher said, "I welcome the potential jurors to my court, sixty two citizens here to do Fairetown proud as you perform kind of a sacred duty. However, we understand lesser beings such as yourself are poor, which means you will receive three fairethings for this morning's choosing. If chosen as a juror, you will receive a further three fairethings per each additional session."

This statement set off a number of the potential jurors.

"Pick me!"

"No, pick me!"

"They're not going to kick Freddy-boy out of the pub tonight."

"Woah, man, I have fingers."

"I need money to feed my cats."

"Order! Order in the Court!" The judge roared, pulling a battlehammer from beneath his robe and waving it above his head, eyes turning a deeper red as he prepared for a rampage.

Into the silence engendered, the orc bailiff said, "I'll have a pastrami on rye, hold the pickle."

The judge burst into laughter, pounding his hammer onto his sturdy desk as he turned a darker green. Finally, he gained control of himself and said, "Brenden, you know that joke gets me every time. Now don't tell it again or I will place you in the Pit of Doom."

"Is that the pit with ice cream?"

"Yes it is. Maple pecan ice cream."

"But I'm allergic to pecans." Brenden said, his ruddy skin turning pale.

"Such is the horror of the Pit of Doom. But, anyhoo, back to the jury selection. If you look at the shingle handed to you by my lovely assistant, Jennifer, you will notice a number between one and ninety-seven. If the number matches the one on your shingle, you will come forward and I will ask you three questions. The lawyers for each party can then propose additional questions, in written format. If I agree the matter is relevant and can read the handwriting, I will ask that question. Note to the lawyers, based on what you heard you can issue sixteen challenges for the following reasons: bias, bat shit craziness, and there's just something about him. However, I will not accept a challenge based upon a person's teeth, smell, or mathematical skills. Everybody understand? Is that a nod or a head shake, Dulcet?"

"I have fingers." Said a wild haired man, holding up his hands.

"Yes you do and I'll take that as a nod. Okay let's get this show underway. Brenden and Jennifer, please start."

The former moved to the side of the room where he swept the covering from a set of kettle drums and picked up two mallets, meanwhile the clerk took a bucket from behind her desk. When the bailiff started a steady drum roll, the clerk reached into her bucket, pulled out a shingle, and said, "Number 38, who has number 38, anybody with number 38?"

When no one stood, the judge said, "Check you neighbours’s numbers. Okay, nobody has 38, try again, Jennifer."

"Number 73, who has number 73, anybody with number 73?"

When this call again resulted in silence, del Fia stood to ask, "Your Honour, would it not be better to use sixty two shingles, one for each potential juror?"

"Well, sure, if you're not interested in building tension."

"Ummm, tension."

"Yes tension. It is one of the twenty-two non-foundational pillars upon which I believe the modern court system should be based. Pull another number, Jennifer."

"Number 19, who has number 19, anybody with number 19."

"Me!" A wizened old fellow shouted, springing from his chair and dashing to the front of the room at the glacial pace allowed by a wonky leg and a cane. "I'm all ready for your questions, Your Honour."

"Excellent, what is your favourite colour?"

"Still mauve, Your Honour."

"Is that a new hairstyle, Lester?"

"It is, Your Honour. I were getting a little thin on top, so I thought to myself if I let one side grow long, I could comb it over to keep the sun off the old noggin. Thank you for noticing."

"It's quite handsome. Last, If your wagon left Fairetown at noon, traveling five donkey-miles per hour, how long will it take you to get to the Lumber Mill and return?"

"Can I stop and wet my whistle at Porky's?"

"Of course, both ways if you wish."

"Will Lulu be free, when I stop?"

"On the way out, but not on the way in."

"Eleven hours and forty eight minutes."

"Thank you, Lester. Does either attorney have additional questions they would like me to ask?"

Ashley said, "I'm good with Lester being a juror, Your Honour."

In turn, del Fia looked from the judge to the man. Holding a quill above an ink well, he paused and studied those behind him, he said, "I guess Lester is fine, Your Honour."

The two hours that followed often left Manny ready to bang his head on the table. However, del Fia, soon found his bearings and joined in the craziness with great verve. In fact, even after the jury choice and the judge ordered a recess until afternoon, an excited gleam remained in the advocate's eyes. A gleam accompanied by a large grin as he sauntered from the courtroom.

His eyes glued to the man's back, Manny said, "He's up to something."

Ashley said, "Well he didn't seem to be up to anything this morning. He allowed us to pick the jurors we wanted."

"But why would he allow that?" Manny asked.

The face of the ent proved expressive as he thought about his client's question, with hope in his voice Ashley said, "Maybe, he was thrown off by Judge Bonecrusher's methods. Or did not notice them gawking at you."

However, turning to watch the door close behind advocate, he said, "No, you're definitely right, he's up to something."

The Duchess

With the jurors chosen, the two found themselves at a booth downstairs, each driven to order a pastrami on rye, which they ate while they contemplated what the advocate from Were held up his sleeve. Those thoughts made them gloomy companions until Maude's boisterous arrival provided a welcome distraction. Soon Manny found himself telling her about the morning, now able to recognized the humour of the session.

"But the craziest part occurred when Jennifer, the orc clerk, called number 6. Well these two ladies rushed to the front, the one worried about her cats and a blonde wearing a yellow dress."

"June the Cleaver." Ashley said.

"What?"

"The blonde's name. Don't let her appearance fool you, she spends each winter on her trap-lines, hunting beavers."

"Well neither the cat lady nor this June would admit they held a 9 rather than a 6 and before you knew it they started to fight, yanking each other's hair, and carrying on right fierce. This continued until Brendan waded in and separated them, holding each by her collar. del Fia asked us if we wanted to declare both bat shit crazy? We agreed, nor was that the last time we used that challenge. For awhile, I worried there wouldn't be enough people."

Ashley said, "Fortunately, most of the Fairetown's Dockworker Brotherhood showed up today. It may seem crazy to have dock workers when there are no docks, when in actuality it is a cunning form of lazy."

"So the trials ready to start, this afternoon?" Maude asked. "What’s going to happen?"

"We'll start with opening statements. From there, well it's best not to guess, Justice Bonecrusher runs a rather unorthodox court."

"Any more musical numbers?"

"Not until tomorrow morning."

"I wish I had been there to see it."

Manny said, "Surprised the heck out of me."

"Surprise is another of the Judge's non-foundational concepts." Ashley said. "However, tardiness is not. We should return to the courtroom."

This time the Judge appeared with little fanfare, after the jury of eleven men and one woman took their seats. In fact, he barely seemed awake, obviously the result of a large lunch, some of which clung to his fangs. Pointing a finger towards del Fia, he said, "Let's hear your opening statements, Advocate del Fia."

Slowly the Were representative climbed to his feet and moved to stand before the judge. Offering that worthy a bow, he turned towards the jury, placed his right foot forward and raised his right hand in the classical orator's pose, then in a clear, powerful voice spoke.

"Lady and Gentlemen of the jury, let me ask you. What is a man? Is it the flesh, the bones, the blood that makes up his body? It cannot be, for I am sure you will agree with me that each of us is much more. We are defined by the relationships we form, the actions we take, and the agreements we make. The memory of these are permanent, surviving long after decay withers away all but our skeletal husk.

"Which is why I say, when my excellent colleague points out that his client is not Simon Unkler, your first thought should be that it does not matter. For while we accept that in body they are different people, we will prove that in all important matters they are one. We will show that Manny kin Nichino has a long relationship of working with Simon Unkler. Furthermore we will show that Manny kin Nichino sought out Simon Unkler. And then agreed to become Simon Unkler, while not requiring his friend to make a similar change.

"This agreement is what I ask you to hold close while you deliberate upon the matter before you. For just as our friends, our actions, and our words define us. So to do our responsibilities. We are our promises. But can those bind us if we live in a world where a person can change their self to someone else as easy as changing socks? Does this ability not provide the wrongdoer with a perfect escape? For would we not have captured Simon Unkler if Manny kin Nichino did not provide a decoy? Did Manny kin Nichino, in taking Simon's form, not allow the wrongdoer to escape from his responsibilities, from his promises? I say yes that he did. After all, do friends not try to help other?

"And if Manny kin Nichino's actions provided the perfect escape for Simon Unkler from his responsibilities, from his promises, why would friends of other wrongdoers not think they could get away with similar acts? Acts more desperate than the one we consider today. Murder or rape or kidnapping. Do you want people to provide a decoy and then say, but that really isn't me? Of course you do not.

"But that is what will happen if we allow Simon Unkler to escape with the help of Manny kin Nichino. People must realize that responsibilities owned and the promises made are part of assuming another's form.

"Lady and Gentlemen of the jury, Manny kin Nichino must be held accountable. I thank you."

For a moment he held his pose, making eye contact with each juror. Once more he offered a bow to the judge and then returned to his seat, not allowing a look of satisfaction to appear on his face or to spare a single glance for the defendant's table. If he did look, he would find Ashley as inscrutable as a tree and Manny terrified by the sense of the advocate's statement.

The smith's son, one-time soldier, current wagon guard and bigxie found himself thinking he should give up and take his medicine. For few would know the Sergeant's ability for wrongdoing better than he and yet his actions allowed the man to escape. Unfortunately, his memory then began a litany of poor decisions beyond taking the sergeant's form. He thought about his decision to cross the bridge into the Land Beyond. His decision to fight on behalf of the pixies. Or to underestimate the ingenuity of d'wharfs based on their appearance and his ability to fly. Combined together, he realized his decision making ability seemed on par with Good King Chuck of Sandlewood Bay, who cut down the nearby forest of sandlewood in order to cover the nearby bay and make the world's largest dance floor. Therefore, he stayed silent, hoping Ashley's statement would hold the same power as del Fia's.

Judge Bonecrusher, who perked up while he listened to the Duchess' advocate, now slumped back into his seat and said, "It'll be a hard act to follow, but it’s your turn Barrister Ashtonson."

Manny admitted the ashent possessed a surprising grace, which he showed in full as he moved to stand where del Fia previously stood. But unlike the Advocate from Were, Ashley did not possess the same strength and confidence in either his mannerisms or voice.

"Lady and Gentlemen of the jury, my colleague has raised an interesting question, what is a man? It is a question I have happily debated many a night over a mug of ale. However, my friends and I never found a satisfactory answer. It is too great a question for the matter before us. Instead we should leave it to philosophers. Today we need to focus on a simpler question. That being, why would you force Manny kin Nichino to live Simon Unkler's life?

"Why? Because, for a few days, my client used the man's form? There is no crime in that, as long as the transformation, the parties involved in the transformation, the time of the transformation, and the location of the transformation is registered. And it was, which seems a curious thing to do if the intent behind the change was to create a decoy. For such a registration is immediately available to the public. Here, in Were, in fact everywhere. Further, my client did not hide nor act furtively, my client never even used Unkler's name while in his form. Why? Because Manny kin Nichino never intended to serve as anybody's decoy. Now I admit Simon Unkler' probably intended to use my client as a decoy, but if anybody should be aware that the man is willing to abuse friendship, it should be those from the Duchy of Were.

"But the intent of one individual should never provide reason to punish another. Would we punish a landlord for a tenant's crime? Would you feel it fair to receive punishment for a friend's actions? Of course not. Then why would you hold Manny kin Nichino responsible for Simon Unkler's actions?

"Lady and Gentlemen of the jury, you should not."

It took all of Manny's control not to stand and clap. His doubts about his lawyer faded into the past. Triumphantly he looked towards del Fia, but the advocate did not look concerned. Instead he watched the jury, a smile on his face. This reminded Manny who opinion mattered in this issue and his gaze swung towards the twelve citizens of Fairetown, none of whose eyes watched the ashent, some with jaws seeking their chests.

Once more he followed someone else's, the entire jury's, stare.

And who Manny saw, just inside the courtroom, made him understood the dropping of jaws.

Beautiful! Gorgeous! Mesmerizing! Stunning! Captivating! So many adjectives, yet all diminished the truth. Despite his own recent past, Manny could not stop his eyes from their exploration. Maybe because she invited it, her pose almost demanded worship.

Where to start, if not her hair? Like the blackest night above mountains, it crowned her majesty. Long and lustrous, cascading in a wave down one side of her face and chest to play peek-a-boo with dark eyes that drew one into their depths and red lips that promised untold reward to those who accepted the invitation. It proved a difficult task, for Manny, to pull attention from the woman's perfect features, but the effort brought immediate reward. For it allowed him to focus on her body, like one seen only in dreams or in a mirror. A body not quite scandalously garbed in a red dress crafted by a Seamstrist of Maude's skill, for from graceful neck to red tipped fingers and toes not a wrinkle or seam distracted from the lush form covered by a silken caress.

He knew he should not gawk, too often the recipient of such worship. But something in the Lady in Red's pose, maybe the way she shone so bright, demanded his and everyone else's attention.

With all eyes upon her, the woman stood still a moment longer, smouldering and drawing breath from many in the room. Only then did she move towards the front of the courtroom. Flowing forward, red silk rippling to show the grace of the finest dancers. And though at the end of each step, her delicate sandals did little more than brush the wooden floor, Manny felt each deep in his heart.

Thump!

Thump!

Thump!

Thump!

"Stop that, Brandon!"

The judge's command served as the antidote to the woman's spell. People saw the judge glare at a sheepish bailiff, who tried to halt one final stroke of his mallet upon his drum.

Thwup!

Most allowed themselves only a moment of distraction from the dark haired vision in their mix, but Manny fixated upon the court officers, even more horrible to his newly seared vision. Yet the difference acted as a balm and helped inure him to the new arrival when he again looked. Undaunted at the interrupted spell, confident in her ability to recast it whenever desired, she took two more steps and stopped at the railing to offer a sizzling smile for the jurors.

A smile almost matched by del Fia's own, as he stood. Offering her an extravagant bow, he said, "Your Honour, Lady and Gentlemen of the jury, may I please present my liege, Her Grace Cindi, Duchess of Were."

That Went Badly

As their party left the courthouse, Ruck kept a wary eye upon the bigxie, ready to spring into action at the first hint of flight. A wise precaution, for Manny quivered, in annoyance, as if just finished two sticks of candy. Yet the toes of his high-heeled shoes never quite left the ground, because escape would rid him of the needed audience upon whom he could vent his frustrations at the afternoon's events. At the Sisterhood's tent, he exploded.

"It's not fair," he said, echoing a complaint heard many times before and since. "Your opening statement was perfect, but do you think any of those idiots on the jury heard a word of it? Of course not. Not with the Duchess turning their brains into mush. And you got to know they planned for it to happen. Same with how every time you questioned a witness she turned up the heat and took control of their minds again. The judge shouldn't let her get away with that."

"But Manny, the judge performs song and dance numbers, you can't expect him to be bothered by showmanship. In fact, if I object, I know he will tell me it is one of his twenty-two non-foundational pillars of the modern trial system."

"But...but...it's not fair."

Maude said, "You'll just have to fight fire with fire."

"What? Oh no, that's not going to happen."

"You did it to Sir Steve?"

"He was some holy guy, which means he's always horny." Manny answered. "I didn't even have to try, just needed to put on my armour and show some skin. But that doesn't mean I can compete with the Duchess. She's gorgeous. A couple times her smile settled upon me and I barely stopped myself from telling the judge to let her have me."

Ashley said, "I think Maude is correct. Unfortunately our citizenry are not driven by logic. In fact we planned to appeal to their baser emotions, apparently so did they."

"And don't sell yourself short, Manny." Ruck said. "Amongst the guys who've seen both of you - and many popped into Judge Bonecrusher's courtroom this afternoon - there's a fairly equal divide between those who want the Duchess to take them home and do naughty things to them and those who want to take you home and do naughty things to you. Of course, most would be thrilled with either option."

His cheeks a colour to match the veins in his wings, Manny tried to speak, but nothing came to mind.

Ashley, who would nod agreement if he could, said, "It may be our best strategy to neutralize her impact. And if we want to win, we'll have to do something."

"It's harmless, Manny." Maude said. "And the only thing that needs ever come of it is your freedom."

"I'd feel dirty."

"One of them was cute."

Only one of the jurors fit that description, the lone woman. A waif with long, soft brunette hair and eyes of gigantic brown. Lovely in a different way than the Duchess, seemingly innocent, not conniving. "Maybe her, but why is she amongst the misfits?"

"Her name is Britney," Ruck said. "She's the High Priestess of Melvin, God of Bondage. Definitely in the camp of those who want to do naughty things to you. I tell you, curiosity about your kind once drew me to one of her services and I'll never look at you two-legged types in the same way. As for why she's amongst the misfits, where else would she find her clientele, I mean flock. Plus, they are not a big group, so she has lots of free time. And since the courts pay decent, she often serves as a juror."

No reason to feel surprise, strange now seemed the norm. Yet this bit of news brought the frustration, lurking beneath the thinnest veneer of civility, boiling to the top. "Of course she is, far be it for some woman to whom I am attracted should be normal. No, not in the Land Beyond. Not for goofy ole Manny. Honestly, it almost seems as if my life is the brunt of somebody's joke, some god, or more likely devil, who is amusing himself at my expense. Hey, I should have the world's most powerful sorceress flirt with Manny, maybe almost have her invite him into her bed, but before allowing that to happen, leave him stuck as a female. Oh look, let's have him meet three nymphomaniac pixies, make them as gorgeous as gorgeous can be and oh so ready to reward the heroic Manny when he rescues them from evil. Well that wouldn't be right, better to change him to be their mirror, poison him and require him to flee. A Duchess, wouldn't she be perfect? Wealth, beauty, power, willing to turn Manny into her boy toy, yet only until she devours him. Maybe he could be rescued by the sweet priestess, if only he were willing to let her tie him up in all types of kinky ways. At least I assume she wants to tie me up, Ruck? Of course, no answer is required, I can see it in your eye that she would be in charge. Ha ha ha, isn't that hilarious. Watch me make my manikin dance. Dance puppet, dance. Aren't I clever, aren't I amusing? Well let me just say, no you are not. You suck, whoever you are."

Ashent and lizard looked towards Maude as the rant drew to a close, they found her demeanor unfazed, as she asked, "How many nights since the snake visited, Manny?"

"Fortune above, Maude."

"Snake, what snake?" Ruck asked in alarm. "I hate those slimy, cold blooded bastards. The only good snake is one covered in a white sauce."

"Worry not, Constable Ankiel. It is not a true snake, only a devise Manny uses to relieve some stress. Would it be possible for you to spend tonight on the other side of the door?"

As two questioning glances turned towards him, Manny spent a moment hoping the earth would open and swallow him whole. When denied escape, he changed the conversation back to a more comfortable topic. He asked, "So this whole flirting thing, anybody able to offer me some advice on how to pull it off?"

"Well the dames love it when you fight over their mating rights. Course you can lose an eye that way, though in my case it was worth it. Candace, grrrrr."

"I doubt that is appropriate in this situation, Constable Ankiel. Nor, I suspect, is my own recommendation to perform the Dance of the Acorn. And since the only help I can offer is useless, let me take this opportunity to leave you all while I check in at my office. Rest well, tomorrow promises to be a long day."

Farewells exchanged, Manny said, "Maude, I need your help."

"You are an adult, I doubt I need to tell you how to flirt."

"If I knew how to flirt, I might have find a wife. And if I found a wife, I would be at home with her, instead of on this adventure with you."

"What about Sir Steve? You turned him into a puddle of pally goo. Or the big guard the other day?"

"As I said, blame that on how I look, not because I have any clue what to do. No way I can compete with the Duchess, who does."

"We just need to channel your inner pixie. Now come stand in front of the mirror. See the pretty girl? Try and flirt with her."

"That's me."

"I know it's you, but aren't you the one who is always saying she isn't you? So try it, be you and flirt with her. Go ahead, try it. Umm, do you need to go to the bathroom first?"

"No, why?"

"Well, the look on your face." Maude answered, pausing for a moment in surprise. "Was that your attempt at flirting? Oh dear, we have a lot of work to do. Try opening your eyes wider. No, not like you've just seen your great-grandmother return from the grave, more like pleased surprise to run into an old friend. Now, part your lips just a bit in a gentle smile."

"That will work on Britney." Ruck said. "It pouts, Oh poo, I'm lost. Can you take me home and look after me."

Trying to not move a single muscle, Manny said, "It makes my face hurt."

"Just relax, Manny." Maude said in a soothing voice.

"I keep thinking how stupid I feel making this face. So I am forcing myself to grin and wear it."

"Don't think."

"I should be a natural at that, but I can't stop. Do you have any magic that would help?"

"It is a risky thing to tamper with someone's mind. I dare not."

Ruck asked, "How about hypnotism?"

"Hypnotism," Maude said, her voice dripping with scorn.

"Just like all magic types, unwilling to consider anything outside of the realm of their expertise. I will have you know that I, Ruck the Super Duper, spent years on the road as a professional hypnotist. My people are great hypnotists."

"If you were so good at it, why are you an auxiliary gaol-keeper?"

"The travel, it got to me. And the prejudice. Few innkeepers are willing to hire a lizard hypnotist, many believe lizards eat what they hypnotize. Do I look like I could eat one of you two legged types."

Manny answered, "Maybe a small one."

"Maybe."

"And if you can eat a cow when you're in dragon form, a person shouldn't be much work."

"Damn, humble as I am, it's hard sometimes to deny how awesome I truly am."

"None of which explains what good it would do for me to cluck like a chicken."

"That is not the only suggestion hypnotists implant. In your case, I would overlay how you identify each juror, with a thought that makes you unconsciously smile. For example, I know Chuckster Freepen is on the jury, what is your immediate thought when you think of the old Chuckster?"

"Who?"

"He wears red pants and a lavender shirt."

"You mean, Unibrow!"

"Yep, that's our man, now think about puppies and kittens."

Maude said, "Hey, that's a nice smile, Manny. Use it. Oh, its gone."

"What if Manny's unconscious self equates unibrows with puppies and kittens? Or that brush over thing on Lester's head with arriving home after a long time away? Or other good things to the winners on the jury."

"That sound's dangerous. What about when I go back to being myself, will any suggestion you implant go away. Most of the guys I know could fit right in with the jury and I don't want to smile all lovey dovey at them."

"Maybe Ruck the Super Duper can tie them to your bigxie identity." Maude said, in challenge.

"Sure, I can do that."

"This another bad idea, isn't it?"

"Trust me, Manny. I'm a professional."

"Maude?"

"I'm sure you will enjoy the moments before finding out if the Duchess is truly a were-spider."

"Why me? Okay, how do we do this?"

Ruck twisted his neck back and forth, stretching in preparation. He stared direct at Manny and said, "Watch my tongue."

Hard not to watch the forked appendage, as it flicked in and out. And in a voice more sibilant than normal, Ruck chanted. "You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy. You are getting sleepy...."

Slowly the repulsion Manny felt disappeared. As his stomach settled, he felt a languor take over his body. For a startled moment he fought back against the chant. Almost ready to protest it would not work on him, he discovered he held a desire to believe. To find an easy answer, a trait of his that hindered as often as it helped. So his breath slowed and his eyes drooped, then closed.

Cluck like a Hot Chick

Only while in flight did Manny feel this glorious detachment from the earth; therefore, he must be flying. Fortune above, flying almost made it worth being a bigxie. The freedom offered, the wild abandon as he raced through the sky, all alone, the way the wind danced in his long hair.

But wait, he felt no breeze, something he felt even on the calmest day. And why did he sit, that not how you flew? Maybe because of the sounds. Not the shrieks of birds. Voices? Why did he hear voices? Who spoke? Definitely Maude, but she couldn't fly. And the other voice, yes, Ruck, the lizard from Fairetown. Ruck could fly. The gaol-keeper must have changed into his were form to take them for a ride. Manny wondered if the dragon was as magnificent as the lizard bragged. A thought chased aside by the question as to whether Maude enjoyed flying? He could ask, but their voices seemed so far away. He needed to concentrate.

"Don't worry, Manny should wake soon."

"Were you successful, Ruck?"

"Time will tell. But not before I starve to death, I need supper."

"We can all use a bite to eat. Why don't you go to the Finsters' tent and have them deliver, while I get everything ready for opening. Luckily Agnes often works mornings and nights, using the afternoon for training, so nobody should be surprised the tent was closed this afternoon."

"You'll have to go, I need to keep an eye on Manny."

With a chuckle, Maude said, "I can assure you Manny will not run away. In fact, we may never get him out of the tent."

So that's what a lizard's laugh sounded like. Kind of like Grandma Bobotte. But why were they laughing. And if they were still in the tent, why did he think he flew.

Hynotization!

Ahh, right. They planned to hypnotize him to flirt. Of course he had to leave the tent. Unless...

"Mahhh, wah di' ya dooo?"

"Well, I'll go get supper, while you deal with the sleeping beauty."

"Lucky me," Maude said. "Are you awake, Manny?"

"Why wone I wanna go ough?"

"I don't share Ruck's confidence in his hypnotism skills, so I decided to tweak things to help you grab the jury's attention, no matter how well you flirt."

"Don't unnerstand," Manny said, as his eyelids grew lighter.

"Remember your joke, from the first time you put on Grandmamma's armour?"

Manny's eye snapped open in horror. A brief look downwards had him fly out of his seat towards a mirror, hoping Maude hadn't...

"Well since you've already tried out the leather..."

Manny's jaw dropped, she had. Only one response seemed appropriate.

"Maaaauuuude."

A wistful smile came over the witch's face, as she said, "You sound just like my Liriel."

"When you tried to dress her like this?

"Probably when I would not let her to dress like that."

"See? It's indecent."

"Don't exaggerate, Manny. True it is attention grabbing; however, there are numerous differences between your and Liriel's situations. And before your challenge, I'll name those differences. You are an adult, while at the time she was not. But more important than age is maturity. I could not be sure, despite her protests, that she did not want to be caught. I know that is not the case for you."

"That's for sure."

"One final reason. Though Liriel is very pretty, she could not pull of that look. Manny, you are spectacular."

If only the vision in the mirror were someone else, willing to flirt with him. Because if, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then Manny and Maude belonged to the same hive.

(somewhere in Arcie's head, a debate rages)

Internal Editor	Really. Really?
Arcie	I am the Vulcan of Wordplay, out of my way as I stoop upon my keyboard.
Internal Editor	It's spelt Falcon.
Arcie	Spock off, I need to tell everyone about Manny's sexy new look.
Internal Editor	Perv.
Arcie	Hey! You enjoyed the research as much as I did.
Internal Editor	3 Wishes + Rachel Bernstein = Research?
Arcie	You know it.

If open to ridicule, one could say his new outfit was similar to his last. Still blue, but now a cornflower blue to match his eyes, which could only be obtained through the rarest dyes. Perfect for the satin from which the dress now appeared made. A combination he assumed too expensive, with no paying customer, if not mitigated by the small amount of material required in the dress's construction. Skirts that once reached his knees, now reigned victorious over the kilt of his armour in a competition to show as much bigxie thigh as possible, right to his knees, below which his white stockings had shrunk, kept in place by a matching blue ribbon threaded through the welt and tied into a pretty bow at the back of each calf. Victory made more daring by the transformation of his underskirts into a frothy confection of lace, which forced his overskirts and the small white apron, flamboyantly tied at his waist and embroidered with a single pink rose, to angle outwards instead of draping the short distance they could.

Yet this hardly registered in his mind, as he stared at his top. Where once it buttoned to his neck, only a blue bowed, lace choker remained. Below which a great swath of cloth appeared ripped away from his bodice. Luckily, instead of some muscle bound stranger with wind-blown hair acting as the ripper, the material owed its removal to a highly skilled seamstrist. So everything needing coverage, remained covered. Unfortunately, the lace trimmed, square, low cut neckline, combined with boning added to the torso of the bodice, put in as little effort at protection as required. Even as someone intimately familiar with the partially hidden treasures, Manny found them distracting, more hypnotic than Ruck's tongue.

Truly terrifying.

"I can't go out looking like this. Nobody's big enough to carry the stick needed to beat them off."

"Judge Bonecrusher could wield a large stick and the justice system he represents wields a larger one."

"But I have to get to his courtroom first."

"Don't worry, I made you a cape."

"But don't you think it's too much?" Manny asked, waving the fingers of his left hand vaguely at the bottom of his skirts while frantically circling his right hand before his chest.

"Definitely. But that was my goal. And did I ever succeed."

"Maybe we should spread out the surprise. How about just the skirt tomorrow?"

"The skirt is cute."

"I don't know about cute. But I'm somewhat used to it, since the kilt of my armour is almost as bad. Though I worry my shants won't fulfill their promise to stay unseen when I sit."

"That worried me too. So I made them smaller."

"I noticed." Manny said in a prim voice, not mentioning their unwanted migration from when he flew out of the chair to the mirror.

"Though it wouldn't hurt for you to practice sitting like a young lady instead of a drunken soldier. Here, sit again and I'll show you what to do. Yes, yes, I realize the seat is cold, but on a positive note you won't wrinkle your underskirts if you're not sitting on them. Why yes, people always mention my great sense of humour. Now cross your legs. Not at your knees, silly. Or do you want for the jurors to look, the jurors to chant, let's all look at Manny's undershants? Umm, with those heels you'll need angle your legs, otherwise your skirts will poof up. Yes. Just like that. And, tomorrow, if you angle them towards the jury it will appear quite flirtatious."

"Hey!"

"What's the matter, I thought you agreed to flirt."

"I did, I will. But we were talking about toning down my outfit."

"Well you were, I think it is perfect. Think of it like preparing for battle. If your regiment planned a secret strategy that could turn the tide of battle in your favour, would they hold back?"

Foreseeing another lost argument, Manny's answer held a hint of sullenness. "Who knows what stupid things officers will do."

"Well we have a chance to steal a march on the duchess. But you can guarantee she will respond in kind the day after tomorrow."

Unable to deny the, well not exactly, wisdom of her proposal, Manny rallied in another direction. "At a minimum, we should check with Maybelline. Maybe this outfit will turn off the jury."

"Manny, Manny, Manny. You can't honestly tell me that sexy will bother the jury? And after serving as personal seamstrist to Tinka's family longer than you’ve been alive, I don't need some foci to tell me how to dress you sexily."

"I guess."

"But you did give me an idea. You never had a chance to wear the party dress I made for you at the triplets request. Maybe that would work better for tomorrow?"

"You know, the longer I wear this one, the more I like it."

"I suspected that might be the case."

"All Knowing Googly Moogly, is this your angel I see before me, come to draw me to your breast?"

Spinning in his chair, Manny saw Ruck beside a familiar looking fellow holding a basket. Mouth gaping, after his exclamation, his dumb stuck silence allowed Ruck to say, "I decided against Finsters, when I saw Finster the Younger manning their tent today. Instead I decided upon Skichukovs. They have these amazing cheese and potato perogies you need to taste to believe. Also I knew they deliver. Speaking of which, this is Ivan. You may think you recognize him, but you're thinking about his younger brother, Dougie, whose on the jury."

As the large nosed, curly haired, swarthy resemblance to the third juror from the left in the back row clicked home, another thought quickly replaced it. Hearkening back to a day before the village chose him to join the Count of Burgshirevale’s levy, when he still expected to follow his father into blacksmithing. A lovely summer day when a father released his distracted son from the smithy, giving him the afternoon to stay a boy instead of preparing to become a man. Yet an afternoon that left Manny feeling older, in a good way, than ever before. And though in time he learned Sally Cooper spent the afternoon with him with the intention of making Ellis the Mayor's Son jealous, a successful ploy that led to multiple bumps and bruises when Ellis and friends jumped the blacksmith's son, he would always look back on the day with fondness. He remembered the softness of her hand as he held it, the wonder of first kisses, and the power in his fists which both fortunately and unfortunately taught the girls not to use him in such a role.

This memory brought a smile to his face. Full of whimsy and fond remembrances, yet altogether adorable, the warmth of the bigxie smile induced a thaw in Ivan's mind. The soreness of his back and feet, from working in front of a burning fire all day, the bitterness that the court summoned Dougie instead of him for possible jury duty, and the frustration at making a delivery for a stinking lizard all washed away. In it's place blossomed a grin at least as sincere if maybe somewhat more lecherous and less attractive.

"Well I'll be snackered," Maude said in a murmur. "The lizard did it."

Two Choices

"Today will be a good day!"

On their own volition, those words sprang from Manny's mouth upon waking the next morning. Surprised by his own positivity, he attempted to puzzle out what brought it about. Maybe, with this the second day of an expected three day trial, he doubted today could end worse than yesterday. Also he could not deny the value of a good night's sleep, achieved once he decided to follow Maude's recommendation to relieve his stress in order to stop thinking about Maude's recommendation on how to relieve his stress. And if the relief involved visualization of the Duchess Cindi and High Priestess Britney having their way with a blonde pixie, tangled in a web, while wearing a blue dress with a poofy skirt and a cleavage enhancing bodice, well nobody needed to know.

However, the main reason for his almost enthusiasm resulted from being given a role to play. Admittedly, a role neither he nor anybody he knew from the land beyond The Land Beyond would ever expect. But with the help of whatever hypnotism Ruck performed, he thought he could pull it off. After all he did so last night, even while gibbering with panic inside his head.

Ivan proved only the first of the prior night's conquests. For before he left, Maude told him about that all men's wear was on sale, and asking if he could spread the word for here her assistant, Manny. A title at which our bigxie hero balked, even when the seamstrist first fed him some line about flirtation practice. When that failed, Maude guilted him into agreement, complaining that she did not like to work nights, but needed to do after the afternoon at the courthouse.

Begrudgingly, Manny gave in. And soon he had no time to think about anything other than dressing Ivan's large circle of acquaintances, while Maude used her speak-in-his-mind trick to inform him which shirt or pants would be best for each client. Run off his feet, he flew about the tent, diving into different chests to find Maude's choice and delivered it mostly with a smile, brought on by sundry memories, some he did not know existed. By the end of the night, Maude could not contain her glee at the number of sales and Manny found himself too tired to care where a customer's eyes lingered. In ways, he found it similar to how the Baron made them weight their spears and shields for practice.

Even the walk to the courthouse occurred at a good time of day for Manny’s confidence. Well after the prior night’s carousers staggered into their bedrolls and soon after those who worked began their day, leaving few people on the street. He hardly needed the promised cape, which cleverly gave his wings freedom while hiding all but his knee high stockings and shoes. If only Maude would let him temporarily ignore what the cape hid.

"For maximum impact, you should hold off removing your cape as long as possible."

"What? You mean, like make a show of it?"

"Exactly, that's perfect."

"Maude, the judge would never allow it."

"The same judge who let the Duchess slink into the courtroom yesterday?"

"Well..."

"Not much bothers ole Bonecrusher." Ruck said.

Maude said, "Manny, I'll nudge you when I think the time is right. You stand, remove your cape, spring our surprise, and sit in that sexy manner we practiced last night. And don't worry about getting too warm, I used a light linen for you cape."

"I can assure you, I wasn't worried about that."

"Excellent, then we have a plan."

Deciding not to fight, Manny said, "Although, it won't be much of a surprise. Quite a few people saw me last night."

"And not one of them left without a purchase. Once Agnes finds out, she'll try to steal you away to work as her shop girl."

"She would have to convince me first. And that's not happening." Manny said, conviction in his voice.

"You really should consider it. You're a natural."

"I'm not a natural, it's because of this surprise outfit. Which probably isn't a surprise anymore, since they likely babbled about it to everyone."

"Luckily they did, which kept us in a steady stream of customers. But I doubt any share the same circles as the Duchess."

"How about her henchmen?"

"Henchweres," Ruck said, a sibilant snarl in his voice. "I doubt not they would be in the dives and dens your customers retreated to after their shopping. But they would be there to spread their cursed lies about beastweres, not to listen to the ramblings of humans, whom they respect only slightly more."

Maude shrugged and said, "No use worrying about it now? We will just have to hope for the best."

Taking silence for consent, the witch continued to the courthouse. Almost there, she asked, "What is that shouting?"

"Sounds like someone's yelling to shop at the faire," Ruck answered.

"Who would hire a barker for something so obvious?"

In the square in front of the courthouse they found the answer. In shock, Manny muttered his favourite exclamation, "Fortune above."

There in the middle of the square, resplendent, or at least presentable, in their new clothes stood a number of customers from the previous night. Some of whom thrust signs into the air above their heads, but all of whom chanted, "Free the Shop Fairy! Free the Shop Fairy! Free the Shop Fairy! Free the Shop Fairy!"

Maude said, "I think they're shouting about you."

If Ruck could snort, he would. Instead he said, "Of course they’re shouting about Manny."

"I'm not a fairy!"

"None of those idiots are considered amongst the town's experts in fae."

Maude said, "Someone's a grumpy lizard this morning."

"Sorry, I just didn't sleep so good last night. The floor isn't as comfortable in the hall and bigxie stress relief is rather loud."

Manny ignored the comment, one that would normally turn his face red, watching the mob stampeded towards the object of their infatuation, him. Offered a chance to dispel his morning truculence, Ruck scurried in front of seamstrist and shop bigxie. There he rose upon his hind legs and hissed at the arrivals who skidded to a stop, those in the back plowing into those in front.

"If you know what's good for ya, don't be thinking about taking my prisoner."

Ivan Skichukov found himself nominated spokesman, through the simple act of failing to hold his place when those behind him gave a shove. He said, "We's weren't gonna steal her, Ruck. We's here to offer support. You know against the turraranicle weres from the Duchy of Were that you talk about."

"And while wearing your new clothes. Don't they look handsome, Manny?"

Caught in that place where only politeness is allowed, Manny said, "They do."

"I bet you're the envy of your friends? Happily for them the Shop Fairy and my sale continues tonight. That is, if we don't lose the trial today."

"We'll never let them take her." The crowd roared.

"You are a brave bunch, but we promised to follow the judgment of the court. A court which we must hasten towards."

Resuming their journey, now trailed by the sign waving group, Manny whispered, "Why encourage them, Maude?"

"The instructors at Seamstrist School always stressed the importance of marketing. I can't help myself."

"I know."

"It's part of my charm."

Unlike the previous day, they found the Duchess and her party already there. A group grown well beyond Duchess and advocate, which now included clerks, guards, maids, nobles, and various functionaries from the Duchy of Were, each member's worthiness measured by how close they sat behind the Duchess. In comparison, Manny's supporters were a ragtag bunch, but ones he now happily accepted. Though that happiness could be a result of what the Duchess wore. A midnight blue dress, in which she appeared gorgeous and sexy, but varied little from the red number of the day before. Maude's surprise remained in play.

Ignoring those at the other table, who in turn ignored them, they sat. Ashley in the leftmost seat, Maude in the middle, and Manny on the right, closest to the jury who soon appeared, herded to their seats by Brenden the Orc Bailiff. Who joined his sister, Jennifer, on either side of the judge's door, where they glowered at anyone who dared to murmur a word. This continued until some signal caused him to clear his throat and say, “Everybody rise and welcome the Sultan of Swinghome, the Monster in the Closet, the Putter of the Sham in the Shama Lama Ding Dong, the nine hundredth and thirty eighth most eligible bachelor in the Land Beyond, Justice Bufort T. Bonecrusher.”

No explosion of smoke welcomed the judge this time.

(The door opens and judge steps calmly through, hands in the sleeves of his robe, and walks to stand in front of the desk. Orcs follow him, to stand to either side and just a bit behind him.

Bailiff and Clerk	(begin to hum, swaying back and forth, hands facing the audience)
Judge Bonecrusher	(swaying along with the orcs)
	Well, You've got two choices,
	'fore all fairethings are claimed.
	Two choices, justice sees them the same.
	Let me tell you 'bout, your first lady.
	Well, she's sweet and kind.
	Hints at good like a lady should.
	And makes you want to.
	You really want to, you want to let her go.
	Ho-ho-ho (orcs repeat - ho-ho-ho) you want her so (orcs repeat - want her so)
	And we'll hear everything we can
	To let her go.
	Well, You've got two choices,
	'fore all fairethinga are claimed.
	Two choices, justice sees them the same.
	Let me tell you 'bout, your second lady.
	Ya know she promises bad.
	Makes you glad. makes you cry,
	But still you can't deny that you want her
	You really, really want to, give him to her.
	Ho-ho-ho (orcs repeat - ho-ho-ho) you want her so (orcs repeat - want her so)
	And we'll hear everything we can
	To make it so.
	Well, You've got two choices,
	'fore all fairethinga are claimed.
	Two choices, justice sees them the same.
	Two choices 'fore all fairethinga are claimed...

(The judge then walks to his desk to sit, while the orcs resume their positions.)

The sober tone of the song did not invite any audience participation. Even when the song came to an end it drew no applause, barely any visible response. However, behind the defendant's table, Maude nudged Manny's in the side. Receiving no response, her target distractedly smiling at a flustered juror who brought to mind his mother's delicious spiced bread, the witch elbowed him.

Jarred from him reverie, Manny realized the reason for the ache in his side. Almost he balked, but he remembered his commitment to the plan and steeled his nerves. Internally chanting, 'don't think, don't think', a mantra that served him well during many a battle, he reached to his neck to undo the buttons that held the cape closed. With the second one following the first, he flowed out of his chair as he undid the last in a manner only possible for someone as comfortable in the air as on the ground. Then in a swoosh he removed the cape off and draped it over this seat, which required a tiny bend at his waist and ensured each jurors noticed his ruffled white underskirts.

"Take it off, Shop Fairy! Take it all off!"

"Fergus, what have I told you about shouting in my court?" Judge Bonecrusher said, glaring over the top of Manny's head.

"Don't do it." A voice meeker than it's previous shout said.

"Correct! Or Jennifer won't let you take her to the next dance. And you, young lady, do you have a problem?"

Not quite wilting back into his seat in response to the judge's question, not wanting to expose his shants, Manny asked as much as said, "I was warm?"

"Hopefully you do not get cold in your lovely new dress. Isn't the defendant's dress pretty, Advocate del Fia?"

"It is, Your Honour," del Fia answered, a hint of a smile on his face at the defense's actions.

"Definitely a pair of beauties we have before us. Though I do hope they will let the jury pay some attention to the witness box." Bonecrusher said, not quite censuring the two sides.

As for the jury, they decided with nobody in the witness box they could ignore it. Instead some looked towards the Duchess to see her eyes gleam competitively with seductive entreaty. While others attempted to conjure a breeze to blow away the clouds of bigxie underskirts.

Trial by (   )

"If everybody is now comfortable? Good. Let us start with the morning session. Advocate, please call your next witness."

Before del Fia could speak, another voice rang out from the audience. "Your Honour, before the esteemed counsel from Were does that, I need to bring a matter of precedence before the court."

These words announced the arrival of a tall woman, who confidently strode between the opponents' tables to stand before the judge, trailed by a harried youth. The judge, based upon the grin of appreciation upon his face, felt less surprise at the interruption than anyone else.

"Solicitor Yzerbelle, to what do we owe your presence?"

"Judge Bonecrusher, so good to see you again," the solicitor said.

In that moment, a matter of confusion became clear in Manny's mind. That matter of who had interrupted? Far from a baritone, but definitely a man's voice. Though not the youth's voice, he did not portray the boldness necessary to interrupt. But when the solicitor answered, the same confident voice rang out. And when the solicitor turned, Manny now believed he saw a man.

However, appearance made it far from a sure thing. Solicitor Yzerbelle's face showed a fine bone structure, with red lips, bright green eyes, and a nose bordering on delicate. Pretty, rather than handsome, made more so by a gleam of confidence. Though not arrogance, instead it stemmed from someone who just liked himself. Manny also now recognized Yzerbelle wore a stylized version of uniform worn by the judge and the other lawyers, but seeming to pay homage to both he and the duchess. For the solicitor's robe mimicked the duchess' dress, though in his case it draped to display a form as slender as a willent. And for a wig, little did it differ from what Manny displayed when he undid his hair from his normal ponytail.

"Messer Yzerbelle is one of my best customers," Maude whispered to Manny. "We'll be stopping at his manor after we leave Fairetown."

Overhearing this, the solicitor smiled and said, "I wait in anticipation, since I so look forward to your visits, Seamstrist Zbornak. But at the moment I cannot allow myself to be distracted by such pleasant thoughts. Not while I act on behalf of the family in this important matter."

"Yes, please tell us why you interrupt this court of law," Advocate del Fia said, belligerence at the interruption in the tone of his voice. Belligerence not felt by his client, who, distracted from playing with the jury, stared raptly at the new arrival.

"I am here on behalf of the Vineyards of Xavier Yzerbelle."

"We are familiar with the name, in fact they supply of the Duchess's favourite wines. Though I am confused as to what role they could play in the matter before the court today?"

"If you will allow me, Advocate del Fia, I will provide an answer." Receiving a nod, Solicitor Yzerbelle continued. "Though not figuratively, I am brought to you by four wagons, more specifically the contents of those wagons and the man who led that wagon train. For each wagon held four casks of Yzerbelle's finest, Chateau de Belle. Wagon's destined for the Ducal Palace in Angharee, under the command of one Simon Unkler."

Stirred somewhat from her distraction, Duchess Cindi asked, "Do you mean the ones Simon gifted to me when he proposed?"

"The same, your Gracefulness. And while such a gift barely begins to offer you proper homage, those casks were not Unkler's to give away. He did not own them, instead he worked for Vineyards and was to sell them for the best price possible."

Neither flirtation nor distraction showed in the duchess's eyes as she asked, "He worked for Yzerbelle's? He introduced himself as Simon Unkler, Duke Plicity, a nobleman from the other side of the Bridge."

The fear that an angry duchess may go were, more than the sanctity of the court, stopped Manny from bursting out in laughter. Since seeing her the day before, he wondered how the former quartermaster became her betrothed. To learn that Unkler did it using a persona created, amongst great laughter, around the campfires of the regiment caused him to feel an admiration that warred with his anger. It also caused him to scribble a note to Ashley, proposing a question for another witness, on del Fia's submitted list, whom he no longer dreaded quite as much.

Unaware of the thoughts inside the defendant's head, Yzerbelle answered the duchess. "Great is the man's ability to lie. Lies which made each of us his victim. Either as employer, friend, or lover. Although whether that is a matter for the courts, I am not sure."

"Which makes it even more difficult to understand your matter of precedence, Solicitor Yzerbelle." Advocate del Fia said, placing a calming hand upon his client's forearm.

"For a matter which does belong before the courts, the theft of sixteen casks of wine. Though worry not, we place no blame upon the Duchy of Were. No, Simon Unkler bears all responsibility for this crime. And now it appears a Simon Unkler may become available for punishment, depending upon what this court decides."

A new worry blossomed in Manny's mind. He nervously look towards Ashley, but before the ashent could rise in protest, an unexpected party did so, though not for them.

del Fia said, "Your Honour, if I understand Solicitor Yzerbelle's premise correctly, it will force me into an untenable position. If I prosecute my case to the full extent of my ability, my assured victory will be useless. For when I prove Manny kin Nichino should inherit the responsibilities of Simon Unkler, it will transform him into a defendant at a trial of theft, rather than the luckiest man in the Land Beyond."

The judge asked, "If we are to believe your own premise, Advocate. Would not this alleged theft be one such responsibility to inherit?"

"If the jury is required to judge based on the entirety of Unkler's life, I suppose that would be true, Your Honour. However, that is beyond the scope which we seek to prove. Instead, we contend that the defendant should only assume those responsibilities his actions allowed Unkler to dodge. I am not aware that the Vineyards of Xavier Yzerbelle lodged any complaint or sought the capture of Unkler before the actions of Duchess of Were resulted in this trial. And since Unkler faced no such threat from the Yzerbelles before he made his escaped, it is not an responsibility Manny kin Nichino helped him dodge."

Yzerbelle said, "We only learned of the theft two days ago, when our wagon teams returned from Angharee."

"Which further proves my point."

"This is all rather tenuous and frivolous, borderline preposterous, Advocate del Fia." Judge Bonecrusher said. "It is as if you wish to have your suckling piglet and eat it too."

"Some may say that, Your Honour. But on one hand I argue for a result that most men would consider a blessing, while on the other I argue for its loss." del Fia said.

"Nay, though my father might consider that punishment if we captured the real Simon Unkler; however, we only seek compensation, probably in the form of work, from this pretend Simon Unkler you seek to create."

The duchess leaned over to whisper in her attorney's ear, who said, "We could offer you that compensation, Solicitor Yzerbelle."

"If only it were that simple, Advocate del Fia. But would that deter future thieves?"

"Then I am left with my conundrum."

"Your Honour, my worthy colleague raises a valid point." Yzerbelle said. "A point I expected someone of his competency to identify. It is why I would like to prove offer an alternative solution."

"We are listening."

"Yes, we are listening too." Ashley said, worrying the antagonism between the others may disappear and lead to a partnership.

"If you’ve listened to the Faire's crier, you will know the Everlong Summer Wine Jamboree begins in four days. As is tradition, our vineyard will sponsor the opening night. And while an amazing night of entertainment is already planned, there is no reason we cannot make it better. Therefore, I propose that instead of continuing the trial in this court, we move it to that night? There, if the Duchy of Were wins, the most beautiful duchess will have her husband. Otherwise the defendant is set free. How will we will determine the victor, by putting the matter before a jury pool to include all, be they from here, Were, or anywhere. On that night, we will conduct a Trial by Water."

"That's barbaric." Ashley said in protest.

del Fia agreed, saying, "Your Honour, I think enough of our time has been wasted by this matter."

"Now counselors, don't be hasty. Let us hear the solicitor out." The judge said.

"Thank you, Your Honour. If you would, Gaston? Hold it up, boy, it won't bite."

This last he directed at the youth, who reached into the pouch he carried and pulled forth a bundle of white cloth. Eyes wide with embarrassment, Gaston dropped the pouch to the floor, then with both hands held the item to hang before him. That item, a thin, cotton shift upon which someone had embroidered those letters that symbolize the Vineyards of Xavier Yzerbelle.

"My pardon for the shoddy work. When necessary, I am sure that Seamstrist Zbornak will prepare better ones for the trial. A trial performed at the stroke of midnight, when the plaintiff and defendant, both dressed in their special shifts, will appear before the jury of the masses. At that point we will drench each in water and judge who is most worthy, as indicated by the level of applause when I hold my hand above each head."

Ever since Maude's wardrobe modifications, a specific part of Manny's current anatomy occupied the forefront of his mind and edge of his vision. This combined with a memory of how a rainstorm caused a drastic change in the drape of his white robe. Involuntarily he looked first downwards and then across at the duchess, whose face showed confusion, while he performed a mental comparison. Embarrassing if caught, but another made the same connection as he and caused a distraction

"Woohoo, a trial by water. Water! Water! Water! Ack!"

This last, along with the sound of a falling chair resulted from the bailiff, his mallets in hand, rushing towards the two tables.

"The judge warned you, Fergus." Brendan said in a growl.

"I forgot, Brenden. Honest."

Protest ineffective, Fergus ran from the courtroom, the bailiff close on his heels. At which moment, the duchess fully understood what the solicitor proposed, her eyes following a mirrored path to Manny's a moment before.

"I won't do it."

"Of course you won't, Milady. Solicitor Yzerbelle, how could you propose something so beneath the Duchess's dignity?"

"We would allow a champion in your place, Duchess. Though your ability to find one worthier than yourself for this trial, truly boggles my mind."

With the duchess caught between outrage and appreciation of the flattery, Manny said, "I won't do it either."

"I told you neither would agree to your idea, Solicitor Yzerbelle. So present mine."

"You are astute as ever, Judge Bonecrusher. But I doubt they will agree to a Trial by Combat."

"Which involves?" del Fia asked, dreading the answer.

The judge excitedly answered, "I was thinking that the Yzerbelle's could provide one of the tubs in which they crush their grapes. Fill it with said grapes, inside of which the plaintiff and defendant can fight, with the first to pin her competitor twice winning."

Seeing the looks directed at him from both tables, he said, "You're going to make me sit through the rest of the trial, aren't you? How about a Trial by Fire, we can see who can dance around a bonfire the longest? No? Damn it, I wanted to go fishing this afternoon."

Yzerbelle said "It looks like we may need to discuss your previous offer, Duchess. May we get together at lunch to negotiate a price?"

Instead of answering the question, she asked, "Do you always dress is such attractive fashion, Solicitor Yzerbelle?"

"Alas, no. Only for the most important matters. When I am before the courts, when I serve as patron of the arts, and during seduction."

Returning his look with one as smoky as his own, she said, "I very much look forward to lunch."

Offering an extravagant bow in her direction, Yzerbelle gestured for Gaston to precede him and sauntered from the room. An extra something in his walk, in case the eyes of his lunch date followed.

They did.

A Quack and a Knob

Standing to call his next witness, del Fia's cocked his head in the direction of an open window. Hearing a faint cry of, 'stop chasing me,' he asked, "Do we need to wait for the return of your bailiff before we continue?"

A red eyed glare drifted from face to face, as the judge said, "Only if any people are worried that I cannot handle any problems? Anybody? No? Please carry on, Advocate."

"Your Honour, I call Doctor Arnow Horschach to the stand."

Amongst all the individuals Manny met, since his arrival in the Land Beyond, he could not say the Doctor ranked as the strangest. Though when he met with the man, arranged three afternoons earlier by the plaintiff, he did so confused as to why and left more so. A meeting where the doctor asked him all manner of random questions, few of which seemed linked to the others.

This was the fellow, scrawny and with a shock of curly hair, who took the stand and swore his oath to tell the truth.

"Doctor Horschach, is here to offer us his learned opinion on the defendant's true desires in this matter. Please, Doctor, could you explain your qualifications that allow you to perform this evaluation?"

"Of course, Advocate del Fia. I apprenticed and studied beneath the great Doctor Anatidae Cawtar at the Steerford University, where I obtained my Doctorate in Skulldiggery."

"I went to Steerford as well."

"Of that, I am more than aware, Your Honour. I was there when you led our boys to three straight championships over the University of Grantabridge in the yearly hide and seek contest."

"Those were the days."

"They were, Your Honour. After graduation, I taught for a number of years at the school, while developing the Horschach test."

"The what test, Doctor?" Judge Bonecrusher asked.

"It is a test that allows a skilled practitioner to evaluate a subject and determine how his mind works. It is performed by presenting the subject with a number of specific images and interpreting his or her response, not only the words said, but the time it takes to come up with those words, and many other factors.

Thinking of the test, Manny remembered it as more confusing than the questions. Each time the Doctor presented an image, always a shadow puppet upon the wall, he stated the animal's name. However, that did not stop the doctor from mumbling things, such as; how interesting, that’s a surprise, and so forth, almost as if he learned the answers to life's mysteries. It took all of Manny’s restraint not to strangle the man before the meeting ended.

"So with this test, you can determine whether a person is crazy?"

"Please, Your Honour, we in the profession prefer the term barmy. Still that is not the goal of my test, which seeks to understand how a person perceives reality and how they think."

Unable to hide disbelief, Judge Bonecrusher asked, "Really?"

"Many studies have proven it so, Your Honour. There are many who seek out my skills. Chief among those is King Lawrence of the Sea of Enn Enn, who often asks me to evaluate those who come to him with their problems."

"King Lawrence?" The judge asked, more than a bit of awe in his voice. "They say he has his finger on the pulse of the world."

"I do not doubt it, Your Honour."

"Well if you're good enough for King Lawrence, your good enough for us. Ask your questions, Advocate."

The next two hours of questions from Advocate del Fia and long winded responses from the Doctor Horschach proved more mind numbing than an attempt to count one's eyelashes without a mirror. The judge spent much of the time polishing his warhammer. The Duchess who remained distracted from Solicitor Yzerbelle's visit, did not resume her prior day's flirtations. And without this competition, Manny saw no need to engage in any counter-flirtation. Instead he tried to ignore the jurors, who spent an inordinate amount of time studying the cut of his bodice. Throughout, most of the questions, the only distraction occurred when a triumphant and sad Brendan returned to the court, the reason for these mixed emotions apparent in the pieces of broken mallet he held in each hand. Finally del Fia asked a question that returned everyone’s attention to the stand.

"Doctor, between the form which the defendant currently inhabits and that of Simon Unkler's, which would be his preference?"

"Despite appearance, the defendant has the spirit and inclinations of a male. With constant diligence he may continue to cope as he is now, but he would be happier as Simon Unkler."

"And what would be the defendants thoughts about marrying the Duchess."

"He would worry that he is not good enough for her, though it would be a fantasy come true."

"So it would be a good thing for the defendant?"

"That is my clinically determined opinion."

"Thank you, Doctor Horschach. Your Honour, no further questions."

"Barrister Ashtonson, your witness." Judge Bonecrusher said.

Ashley said, "Thank you, Your Honour. Doctor Horschach, you say my client can cope as he is. How long will he be able to do so before going barmy?"

"I am unwilling to unequivocally state your client will go barmy, if he stays as is. The defendant is a steadfast sort, almost plodding by nature, which will act as a counter. However, if he stays in this form, I expect mental cracks to form."

"How long before these cracks occur."

Horschach, almost primly, said, "I cannot say with any certainty."

"Within two weeks?"

"No, not that fast."

"Four weeks?"

"Still unlikely."

"Well my client will be returned to his natural form within four weeks." Ashley said. "Between Simon Unkler's form and his own, which would be his preference?"

Doctor Horschach paused, but said, "His own."

"Thank you, Doctor Horschach. Your Honour, I too have no further questions."

del Fia said, "Your Honour, I have additional questions."

"Will they be less boring than before?"

"I believe so, Your Honour."

Shaking his head, the judge said, "Wrong answer, Advocate. If you said, 'No, Your Honour,' I would have allowed them. Since you didn’t, Doctor Horschach, you may leave the stand. And, Advocate, you may call your next witness."

"Your Honour, I call Sued Bway to the stand."

When Ashley showed Manny a list of the plaintiff’s potential jurors, this name jumped out, because it belonged to someone he knew. Had known since they were both boys in Ganfree. Though never not as friends.

Truth told, Bway did not make any friends. This despite many advantages over Manny. Wealthy by Ganfree standards, his parents owned a number of bakeries throughout the County of Burgshirevale that sold everybody's favourite long bun and toppings, so he never worked and could spend his days in play. Furthermore, along with his older sister and brother, he inherited their parents dark good looks. However, unlike those siblings he never learned their common sense or humility. Arrogant, whiny, annoying, conniving, deceitful and paranoid. Sued could serve as the High Aputzle to the God of Knobs.

The truest statement of Bway's worth came when the village picked the disposable twenty for their levy, in which he was numbered. This despite his parent’s ability to stop his inclusion. The result, bitterness added to Sued's litany of charms.

Yet he too found a place, though not on the shield wall. On the shield wall you needed to trust the guys beside you to hold his position and nobody trusted Sued to hold his place in the latrine line. However, despite rarely sullying his hands with flour in one of the family's shops, he proved a natural baker and the baker's hours minimized his contact with others. Like Manny, he received an offer from the Beige Baron after the Battle of Muddy Creek, where Bway came under the command of one Sergeant Simon Unkler, who manipulated him with the greatest of ease.

Under Unkler, Sued achieved his greatest success. During a campaign in Brevia, a large enemy army cut the regiment off from their allies. Knowing they would be forced into battle the next day, most settled down for their final night sleep; however, Bway snuck into the enemy's camp and mixed a concoction of his own making into their barrels of flour. Not a poison to kill, the Baron would not countenance that even to save what he held most dear, but it did give most of the enemy soldiers, who ate biscuits for breakfast, the trots. Thus debilitated, they could not stop a break out by the Baron's professionals, nor maintain the blistering pace of the regiment's march. So for a time, he was the regiment's hero, the Biscuit Artist, not the baker called Sue.

It did not last.

Then some men in the regiment showed symptoms of deshal usage. The Baron put Lieutenant Finkle on the job. Many figured the hunt would lead to Sergeant Unkler, but when Finkle raided the back room of a nearby inn they found only an open window. Manny, because of his size, accompanied the Lieutenant on the raid; therefore, he reached the window first and saw a group of men running away, one who looked like Bway. But in the night, he could not swear to that fact. Nor did the Baron ask him to do so, satisfied the raid seemed to scare the drug ring out of business.

Bway, once he heard of Manny's accusation, did not forget. The slight disdain he always felt towards his fellow Ganfree outcast gave way to unbridled hate. Little wonder he sought to play a role in Manny's downfall.

The time since the regiment ended appeared to have agreed with Bway. Taking the stand he appeared a prosperous merchant, but the look on his face defined Sued Bway perfectly. A combination of a sneer and leer as he stared at his feminized foe. Manny, in turn, did not wilt nor blush beneath this sleer. He did stop himself from thrusting his chest out, realizing, just in time, how much less pugnacious this would appear than in the past. Rather he stared back, his face unconsciously adopting the expression of contempt achievable only by pretty girls.

del Fia said, "Your Honour, Master Bway is the Court Apothecary in Angharee; however, he knew both Manny kin Nichino and Simon Unkler outside the Land Beyond. Can you tell us where you met both, Master Bway?"

(somewhere inside Arcie's head, a recommendation is made)

Internal Editor	Skip the first part of Bway's questioning.
Arcie	You think?
Internal Editor	You'll just be repeating stuff from the narrative that everybody knows.
Arcie	Woohoo, I'm excellent at not writing stuff.
Internal Editor	Everybody knows that as well.

"Master Bway, were Manny kin Nichino and Simon Unkler close?" Advocate del Fia asked.

"Not friend close, no. Sergeant Unkler kept everyone at a distance, but he liked trustworthy followers. He include Nichino in this group."

"How so?"

"Whenever the Sergeant went off on a mission he always took along Nichino's squad for protection. Nobody knew more about Unkler's secrets, and he had lots, than that squad, but none ever said anything or responded to the rumours. They were scared of Nichino."

"What rumours?"

"More than I can remember. One about a Countess and another time when the regiment had a deshal problem. Most fingered Unkler as the ring leader, but when they tried to catch them, he got away. People whispered that Nichino warned him about the raid, which is why he probably tried to pin the blame on me. To disguise his own membership within the ring."

"Your Honour, that is heresy." Ashley said.

"Agreed, Barrister. Jury, pretend you can forget the witness’s statement."

"One more question, Master Bway." del Fia said. "Would Manny kin Nichino place himself in harms way for Simon Unkler?"

"Nichino took an arrow for Unkler during the Pecyl Campaign."

Remembering the incident differently, Manny watched as Ashley stood to take del Fia’s place.

Ashley asked, "Master Bway, did you not serve under the command of the quartermaster, Sergeant Unkler."

"I did, but as a baker my hours were earlier than Sergeant Unkler kept. Besides he dealt with us through the corporals, like Nichino."

"Was my client within the quartermaster's command?"

"No, not most of the time."

"When last did you see Simon Unkler?"

"I guess when the regiment disbanded."

"You did not see him during his stay in Angharee?"

"No, during mandrake harvest I keep late nights."

"Didn't you want to see an old companion?"

"I didn't know he was in town."

"You didn't know he courted the Duchess? Do you not live at the palace?" Ashley asked, disbelief in his voice.

"I do. And I heard about the courtship, but I never heard his name, only about some Lord."

"Duke Plicity?"

A surly look appeared on Sued's face as he answered, "I didn't hear."

"I find that hard to believe, did you live a hermit’s life and talk to nobody? Surely the courtship was a common topic of conversation."

"Your Honour, Barrister Ashtonson is badgering the witness." del Fia said in protest.

Thinking for a moment Judge Bonecrusher said, "I have a pet badger whose sad we can't go fishing this afternoon. Move onto another question, Barrister Ashtonson."

"Yes, Your Honour." Ashley said. "Master Bway, when was the first time you heard of the Duke Plicity?"

"You're right, probably at the palace." Sued answered, a bead of sweat forming on his brow.

"You don't remember Sergeant Unkler using that name around the campfire?"

"No."

"Do you remember Marquis D'Cept-Ion?"

"No."

"Then my client is wrong to state that Unkler and yourself created the characters, Duke Plicity and Marquis D'Cept-Ion, to amuse your comrades?

Nervously glancing from the plaintiff’s table to the judge's warhammer, upon which he pledged to tell the truth, Bway said, "Nichino is wrong."

"Do you not think an honourable employee would inform his employee when he knew she was being duped?"

"Your Honour, leading and speculative." del Fia said.

"I retract my last question, Your Honour. No further questions."

Judge Bonecrusher asked, "Any further questions, Advocate?"

Glaring at Bway, he said, "No, Your Honour."

"Any more witnesses?"

"No, Your Honour. The plaintiff rests."

"Excellent, then I'm off for lunch. You all do whatever you want, as long as your back at two bells."

Grand Finale

After the judge left the courtroom, Brenden ushered the jury out by behind him, while Manny’s admirers, now bored even more witless, fled. However, none of the Were contingent moved. Instead they watched their duchess and her advocate talk quietly with the other. Finally the two stood, directed angry glances at Bway, who stayed on the stand, almost as if he hoped it offered protection. It did not, when the duchess moved to leave, the advocate directed an imperious come hither gesture towards the apothecary before he followed his liege. Their side of the room emptying after them.

“Am I imagining things or was Bway a terrible witness?” Manny asked.

“Preposterously bad,” Ashley agreed. “The only way he could be worse is if he tattooed liar on his forehead. I can’t believe del Fia did not prepare him better.”

“Bway has this irrational confidence. He is able to convince himself that only he knows what is going on. He forgets that others can interfere with his plans, it isn’t in his nature to think you would catch him out on anything. So if del Fia didn’t that about him, I can understand how he thought Sued would be a good witness. Nor is he the first to learn the problem with putting any trust in him.”

“Well I tell you, the only person who liked Bway’s testimony more than us, was Doctor Horschach. His own testimony was lukewarm, at best, for either side, but in comparison it was exactly what del Fia wanted to hear.”

Manny asked, “It was a good morning, wasn’t it?”

“Yes.”

Maude said, “The duchess’s interest also seemed to wane. Perfectly understandable, now that she knows Unkler is a con man. How will you precede with your defense, Ashley?”

“I intend to call you first, Maude. I would like to show that Manny and Unkler ran into each other by accident, which we should be able to do when you outline your travels.”

“Will you want to question me?” Manny asked.

“I am of two minds on that. Before this morning, I would have said yes. In a he said she said situation, only your voice is available, not Unkler’s. That is a strength to utilize. But now I wonder if there is a need, we may be better off with little defense, which will keep Bway’s performance fresh in the jury’s mind when they begin to deliberate. Let us adjourn for lunch and I will think on the matter. Any preference?”

“You know, I could go for some maple pecan ice cream.”

“I know just the place.”

“Just let me put on my cape.”

 
Feeling his normal sugar high after eating sweets, Manny paced around the courtroom, empty except for Maude and Ashley. Next to arrive, surprisingly, were a smaller group of his admirers, and before he knew it, his extra energy made him gush his thanks. Luckily the two orcs appeared before he embarrassed himself too much. However, even when they heard the ring of the second bell, at which time the jury took their seats, neither the duchess nor her advocate, not even a single one of her supporters, appeared.

Moving to the window, Brendan looked out, quietly spoke to Jennifer, and knocked on the door to the judge’s chamber. Through it, a scowling ogre appeared to take his seat, his red eyed glare upon the main door. Nobody said a word, worried they may ignite the judge’s simmering anger. Better to leave that to the man who finally entered, Advocate del Fia.”

“You are late, Advocate.”

“My apologies, Your Honour.”

“Will your client be joining us?”

“No, Your Honour, she is still at lunch with Solicitor Yzerbelle.”

“You are lucky, Advocate. I nearly ruled in favour of the defendant in your absence.”

“We would not have protested if you did, Your Honour.”

“What?”

“Her Grace, Duchess Cindi of Were has asked me to tell you that we no longer seek the extradition of Manny kin Nichino.”

“I’m going fishing!” Judge Bonecrusher said, pumping his fist in the air.

(Turn to look at the audience, where in response, Manny's admirers break into song)

Manny's supporters	(hugging and high fiving each other in celebration)
	Ding Dong! The Fairy's free. Which Fairy? The Shop Fairy!
	Ding Dong! The Shop Fairy is free.
	Shout it - loud and clear, plug your ears, get out of here.
	Shout it, the Shop Fairy is free. She's gone where the seamstrists go,
	Hello - hello - hello. Yo-ho, let's open shop and sell all the clothing out.
	Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
	Let them know
	The Shop Fairy is Free!
Judge Bonecrusher	(rapping his battlehammer on his desk)
	As Justice of the Fairetown Court,
	In this County in the Land Beyond,
	I set her free most regally.
Barrister Ashley	(standing up)
	But we've got to verify it legally, to see
Judge Bonecrusher	To see?
Barrister Ashley	If she
Judge Bonecrusher	If she?
Barrister Ashley	Is morally, ethic'lly
Brendan the Bailiff	(marching forward to stand in front of the judge’s desk)
	Spiritually, physically
Jennifer the Clerk	(joining her brother)
	Positively, absolutely
Supporters and Jury	(hanging on each other like only happens in musicals)
	Undeniably and reliably free
Advocate del Fia	(rising from his seat)
	As Were Counsel I will aver, I thoroughly exonerated her.
	And she's not only merely free, she's really most sincerely free.
Judge Bonecrusher	Then this is a day of Independence For the Shop Fairy and her descendants
Barrister Ashley	If any.
Judge Bonecrusher	Yes, let the joyous news be spread the super hot Shop Fairy is free!
All but	(dance out of the courtroom, repeating)
Manny/Maude/del Fia	Ding Dong! The Fairy's free. Which Fairy? The Shop Fairy!

Mouth ajar, Manny asked, “What just happened.”

“Seamstrist Zbornak, Solicitor Yzerbelle told me to prepare you to work on two wedding dresses when you visit.” del Fia said.

It took a moment, but Manny puzzled out what that meant, he asked, “What about her were-spiderness?”

“Ahh, I wondered why you fought what seemed so tempting. Doubtlessly you heard rumours about the Duchess’s parents. Let me just say, Yzerbelle has nothing to fear, his family is too powerful to anger.”

“What about me, would I have had anything to fear.”

del Fia did not answer, he only smiled, as he left the room.

“I think I made a huge mistake, Maude.”

“Nonsense, Manny. I can’t see you as some rich woman’s kept man.”

“I can. I’ve seen many times in my dreams.”

“Besides you wouldn’t want to leave me, before our journey is complete, would you?”

“Uuuuuh, I guess.”

“I knew it.” Maude said, grabbing one of his arms in a hug. “Now let’s head to the Seamstrist tent, we have a sale to run.”

“I think I’ll head back to my room, instead.”

“That won’t pay for Ashley’s services.”

“What?”

“You can’t expect him to work for free. However, you made a decent amount of commission last night, which will make a dent in his fees.”

“Can I change back into the outfit I wore yesterday?”

“If you think you can sell as much as you did last night? We only have three days left here and Ashley didn’t come cheap.”

“Crap. Okay let’s go.”

“That’s the spirit, my pretty Shop Fairy.”

“Maaaauuuude.”