Change of the Mask: New Beginning
Lilly85
This is a story I have had on the back burner for awhile and I decided to start writing this again to share with all of you. As far as descriptions go I had no idea what to put for this as it’s a bit different than what you might expect. This isn’t my typical story but I hope you all enjoy this journey.
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Here I am, sitting in the office of my case worker once again. I’ve been bounced around from several different foster homes and I always end up back here with the case worker. It’s not my fault that I can’t do sports like a normal child should be able to. The only thing I’m remotely good at doing that’s even athletic is running. I’ve always been a strong runner but my foster parents always refused to let me run at school because they said I’m not allowed to do sports unless it’s Football or Baseball so I just ran on my own time after homework was done and it honestly became a stress reliever for me.
Truthfully, running for me has become my release from the horrible people that I ended up having to stay with.
The reason I’m with my case worker this time is that apparently, I have an older sister who wants to adopt me and help me get my life back on track.
I guess I should tell you who I am. My name is Alex and I’m 10 years old. I’m pretty average sized for a kid my age albeit a bit skinny but not because I don’t eat. Rather it’s because of all the running I do. So I am healthy, I’m just a bit small.
So I’m listening to my case worker talking to me about my sister and her family and I come to find out that she has three kids. Alexa age 13, Sarah aged 7, and Samantha aged 6.
I think to myself, great a house full of girls. Not what I had in mind but she is my sister so I guess I can’t blow her off . Mom always preached that you don’t abandon your family and I feel like I would be abandoning my sister if I blew her off .
Apparently, she’s also very wealthy as well which is interesting. She’s married and is in her early 30’s.
My case worker dismisses me after that and I go back to the room in the group home I currently call home. I lay in my bed and just stare into the ceiling thinking about what my sister thinks about me.
I think about what my case worker told me about my sister. She’s a wealthy married woman in her 30’s and has three daughters. There is something that worries me slightly, given her wealth I probably won’t be able to continue running the way I currently do. She’ll probably restrict me from doing much of anything as her way of saying she’s “protecting” me.
I guess I’m also a bit of an abstract kid in the sense that besides running, I don’t really do anything else that's athletic. When I’m not running I’m usually either reading books or watching tv.
I’m also a little strange regarding the kind of TV I like to watch. To put it simply, the TV shows I like to watch are shows that you’d typically think of as shows that a girl would watch. The shows that are made to appeal to young boys never really caught my attention and I always just changed the channel after seeing the first few minutes of the show.
Other than the tv shows I’ve never done anything else that girls usually do. Although all things considered I wouldn’t be opposed to trying any of the stuff that girls like to do.
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*3 days Later*
I’m informed that my sister is in the building and is looking over my file and is talking to my case worker.
“I see Alex has been unlucky with foster homes since the incident with our parents.”
“Unfortunately yes, it seems like he’s cursed or something.”
“I also see that he’s quite athletic albeit a bit skinny.”
“That’s not from lack of eating though, he eats plenty and he’s skinny because of his love of running.”
“I just read the portion on that and it’s actually quite interesting that he likes to run so much.”
“It’s one of the only things he does actually. Besides his running, he normally just lays in bed watching tv. The other boys find him strange and don’t really bother trying to play with him.
From what he’s told us, his life before the incident wasn’t much better. He had no friends and it was just him and your parents.”
“I wonder why my parents never got him involved with any sort of sports given that he likes to run so much.”
“I couldn’t tell you that even if I wanted to because he won’t say anything about that for whatever reason.”
“Hmm, to me it sounds like he’s hiding something. What that might be I won’t know until he tells someone but it is very strange that he can run so well but he never did any sort of sports.”
“Are you sure you’re ready to take him now? He’s packed and ready, all we have to do is go and get him.”
“Our mother always taught me to never abandon your family and I messed up by leaving him in the system. I need to make amends on that.”
“I understand, let’s go get him shall we?”
Meanwhile, while they walk out of the office and head in the direction of his room,Alex is just sitting in his chair looking out of the window.
“This is it, my final day in this place.
Hopefully I never have to come back here.”
I lay my head on the table in front of me and doze off for a few minutes until I feel a hand touch my shoulders and I turn around to see who could only be my sister.
I look at her not knowing what to say.
Without saying anything I pick up my bag and walk out of the room down towards the front entrance where I walk out and sit on a bench looking up at the sky.
As I’m looking up at the sky I mouth the words “thank you”
I look back toward the front door and see my sister walking towards me and I just get up and walk beside her until we get to the taxi that was there to pick us up.
Our drive to the airport was pretty uneventful. Nothing was said and I just looked out of the window.
Once we get everything situated at the airport and we get on the plane she looks over at me and smiles.
“I was hoping for you to say something before now but I guess beggars can’t be choosers can they?”
“What is there to say? I hardly know you and I’m being put in a really weird situation. There’s nothing for me to say.”
She looks at me confused so I continue “I didn’t even know I had any siblings until I was told about you adopting me. Mom and Dad never talked about me having any siblings so I grew up thinking I was an only child.”
She then proceeds to show me pictures and says “These are my daughters, they are looking forward to meeting you.”
I look at the picture of her daughters and say “They are very pretty for their ages.”
She smiles at me and says “They are indeed. Sarah was the most excited to meet you. She thinks you’re cute.”
“She wouldn’t be the first to say that. Not that I care, I grew my hair out for a reason and I’m not going to cut it just because some people think I look like a girl.
Nobody is the same and each person is able to be whatever they want to be. Ok, I have long hair, who cares I sure don’t.”
My sister put one arm around me and smiled.
“What are you interested in other than running? I’m just curious because I had no idea what to get you to play with due to the fact that you never told them anything.”
“To put it simply, I have no interest in your typical toys. They just don’t appeal to me like they do other kids. Other than running I really have nothing. I’m just boring in that regard. The only other enjoyment I get is homework and TV.”
“Speaking of school where are you in that regard?”
“Um, how do I put this…. I’m slow?”
“Let me rephrase that, what grade are you in?”
“I’ve never been in an actual classroom with other kids. I was always in a separate room alone with a teacher helping me alone. I really couldn’t tell you where I am because I was never in a normal classroom with other kids.”
“We can get that sorted soon enough but I do want to know what kind of stuff you like to watch on TV?”
“Promise you won’t freak out on me if I tell you?”
“I promise, I won’t hurt you in any way for this.”
I whisper to her “I’m one of those weird boys who like to watch shows that girls normally watch. I never told anyone this because I was too scared and embarrassed that I even liked that stuff.”
I look down at the floor on the plane feeling like I wanted to cry my eyes out.
My sister is rubbing my back at this point and I felt ashamed of who I am now.
My sister tells me to sit up straight so she can talk to me.
“Alex, it’s ok to be different, nobody is going to judge you for that. I do want to know this though, are you happy with who you are?”
“I really don’t know, I never really thought about it. Why would I in the environments I was stuck in? Am I confused about myself? Yes, but I really don’t know who I am at this point.”
My sister puts my hands in hers and says “Alex, I love you, I would do anything to make you happy. Hopefully we can work out all the confusion that is going through your head and help you see who you really are.”
I look at her and bury my head into her shoulder and start crying. All the emotions that had built up to this point are coming out and there is no stopping it.
She hugs me and rubs my back as I let out all of the tears that had built up over the years. After what seemed like forever I finally calm down. I still have my head on her shoulder as she runs her fingers through my hair which relaxes me even more.
“You know, this hair is kind of wasted on a boy normally. However, I think you make it look nice Alex.”
“You want to know why I started growing my hair out? As a way to remember Mom…..”
My sister hugs me and says “You make it look cute. I hope you’ll let me play around with it sometimes.”
“Maybe, I was actually thinking about cutting it. It’s getting to be too heavy and I really just want to move on from all that has happened.”
“Whatever you want to do is fine by me. It’s your choice and I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“Truthfully, I like it long but I don’t like how heavy it is. That is the main reason I was considering cutting it short but I’m not sure now.”
I’m still laying on my sister at this point and I have so many things going through my mind right now that it seems crazy that I’m with family again.
I can’t help but think that my sister’s family won’t like me and I’ll still be stuck in this shell of a person that has no real meaning to life.
Thinking even further, I realize that I don’t really identify as a boy or girl. I’m somewhere in the middle and it’s quite weird.
Can you really not be one or the other? Or is it just me lying to myself thinking that’s the case. I really am different, I like to run and watch girly TV shows. Does that make me not a boy or girl though? Girls run too and there are a lot of older boys who like to watch girl stuff and nobody thinks twice about that.
Could I actually be a girl and I just never realized it? It would make sense then why those TV shows attracted me the way they did. It really makes me wonder who I actually am inside.
I fall asleep not long after and I’m woken up once it was time to get off the plane.
I’m holding my sister’s hand as we get off the plane and I really start to get nervous about how her family is going to feel about me.
We walk out of the plane and into the main part of the plane where I instantly see her family waiting for us at the end of the walkway.
Once we reached her family, I felt something that I hadn’t felt since our parents died, I felt a sense of security that I thought I’d never feel again.
Her kids give me hugs and I really can’t describe the emotions that are going through my head while all of this is going on. As we’re walking out of the airport her kids bring me up to date on all of their various exploits, ranging from Gymnastics, to Soccer, to Ballet, and to Swimming.
As I’m listening to the kids talk about all that they do, I realize that I’m nothing special compared to them. I also realize that they’re all pretty good at what they do.
I can’t knock any of them for that but I feel a sense of jealousy in them being good at what they do. Truth be told, I want to get into actual sports but I know better than to try and do an actual sport because I’m simply too small for my age group in pretty much all sports.
I guess there are small players in sports like Soccer and Football but those guys are speed demons. While I may be a good runner in my own right, I run for distance not speed.
We get in the car and head to their home, and I feel like I have no place in this family and their athletic exploits.
I start to wonder if I actually fit in with this family. I feel like the black sheep of this family at this point and I know now that I have to at least try and do something as apart of this family.
I know that not every kid is the athletic type, but after being thrust into a very athletic family the way I am now, it really gives you a sense of not being able to do much even if you’re good at running like I am.
As we’re driving I start looking out the window just looking at the surrounding area that I will be calling home now. I start to wonder how I will fit into this family.
Not long after that, we pulled into the driveway of the place I will be calling home.
It’s very big, has a big yard and has a very pretty flower bed to boot.
Once the car stops, we get out and head inside. My sister tells her kids to go play while my sister, her husband and I talk. They oblige and head their separate ways.
We head into what I can only assume to be the living room and all three of us sit in separate chairs.
“Alex, I’m sorry for not getting you out of there sooner than I did. When I heard that Mom had another kid I felt a sense of betrayal that she didn’t care about her own Daughter and that she had another child to fill the void inside her. I know Mom always preached that you don’t abandon family and I still go by that to this day. I will admit though that I wasn’t sure if it was right for me to end up with you considering that I had 3 kids already and the fact that you technically are their uncle. It took some real soul searching to realize how wrong I was. You’re every bit of family as my kids are and I abandoned you when they passed on.
When I heard that you were in that home I came to the realization that it was time that I make things right and make the family whole again.”
I just look down at the floor wondering what I did to deserve a sister as a guardian. I have nothing to say to them, I’m useless to this family. They’re all very athletic and I’m just nothing.
Her husband comes over and puts his arm around me then says:
“Alex, we know this must be hard to take in. We’re here for you whoever you may be or whatever you might want to be. Given what you’ve been through I can understand you not wanting to open up to us right away.
When you open up to us is up to you, but it’ll be easier for all of us if you take the first step and tell us how you feel.”
I look over to him not knowing what to say. After several minutes of silence, I finally say:
“I really don’t know who or what I am right now. Sometimes I think I’m one thing and other times I’ll think I’m something different. I don’t really fit into any one area. It’s gotten to a point lately that I stopped talking to people out of fear that I’d be hurt by someone for being the way I am. It’s not something I can really explain it’s just something I don’t understand.
Does it really matter though? I am having to learn how to live in a family I know nothing about. The rest of the family feels like it has this superiority complex that I do not seem to understand, and you guys just left me in the system for 3 years to just rot away in that place! How should I be able to trust you as a parent when you left me in the system like that? Does that sound like something any kid should have to go through? You may be my guardians now but right now I have no reason to trust you guys after what you forced me to go through.”
After letting that sit for a bit I continue “You guys expect me to just mesh into this family of yours and I have a hard time believing that you had a good reason to just leave me there for those years I was there. You had the resources to take in another kid but you were being selfish and only looking out for yourself and what you thought was right. You don’t follow at all what Mom instilled into us as kids. You think everything is just going to go back to normal and just fall back into your little routine which you’re expecting me to follow and to be honest you’ll probably force me into some sort of extracurricular activity that I don’t want anything to do with. That’s just who you are as a person and I honestly don’t know how you expect me to mold into this family as things stand. I’m sorry but I will not be calling you my parents as you guys are simply my guardians. You will not force that upon me either.
Everything you guys have now is more than I would have ever had and I don’t think I can actually come to terms with the fact that I’ve gone from having to work for everything myself to just have things given to me. I can’t take people who are like that and I will not be taking freebies from anyone in this family. It doesn’t matter who it is, they can try all they want but I’m not here to just be given everything under the sun. I’ve earned everything to this point and I will not be forced into taking things I didn’t earn. You’re some fancy hotshots that have all this money but your kids have no idea what hard work means do they? They just rambled on and on in the car about all these things they get to do but they didn’t earn their places in all that. Oh no, not at all they had their spots bought for them by you guys and I think that is a load of rubbish. You guys have no sympathy for anyone who’s had to earn their way to get to where they actually are now. I will not have things handed to me, I earn my keep and that’s that.”
After I let that sink in for a bit I finished my statement by saying “You may be my guardian and you may at the surface seem like a better person than Mom was, but I know better. You gave up Mom’s teachings the minute you had your first child and don’t act like I can’t tell just by looking at the house you live in. This is not my calling, I already have my goals set in stone and there’s no amount of you trying to persuade me otherwise that they will ever change. Don’t think that I’m going to tell you what my plans are now, IF I did you would just throw a fit.
I’ll try and get along with your kids the best I can, but there will be no calling me their brother. That is not ok in my book and should you forget that I will force my way back into the system you just took me out of and you will never see me again.”
I stand up and walk towards the other side of the room before saying “Mom was right, everyone in her family has no sentiment for family. Not that she ever let me talk to her personally.”
My sister looks at me and asks “What do you mean by you couldn’t talk to Mom about personal stuff?”
I sigh and say “As I grew older, Mom paid less and less attention to me as time went on and when I did try and talk to her she just ignored me like I was nothing to her. Oh no, she had Dad talk to me about everything. She couldn’t even begin to understand how her child ended up being the way he was. Did she ever bother to ask me personally no, she said that if I wanted to talk to her about anything even if it was something school related it had to be relayed through Dad as she thought of me as her unwanted child. When they passed I saw it as a blessing in disguise because I didn’t have to deal with them anymore and I’d eventually get a home where someone did care for me. Dad wasn’t much better either, all he did was get drunk at the bar before coming home and passing out in bed before going to work the next morning….”
Before my sister said anything in response I continued on by saying “Before you ask why Mom and Dad never got me into sports, it was because they couldn’t afford it. Me running the way I do was me finding a way to pass time in a way that I could get away from everything that was bothering me. Considering I never had any real friends, running really was the only thing I did minus homework and the little bit of TV I watched. I’ll admit that I was just burying my anguish by doing what I did however, there wasn’t any way for me to let out all the pain I was feeling. For years I felt like I was putting a face on to appease everyone around me while also hiding all the pain that was going through me. I also know that I’m too small for most sports in my age group so there really is no chance for me to even try any sports knowing that I’m too small for every sport I could even go out for.”
“Before you even bother to ask, I have no interest in the athletic activities that your kids are into. I have no interest in socializing with any of their friends, nor do I want any part of their social lives. The only contact I want with anyone outside this house is if we’re eating with them or if it’s some sort of weird gathering that I’m forced to go to because I’m “too young” to stay here by myself in your eyes. To think I went from an environment where I had to do everything myself to one where I don’t even get a say in anything. How silly is that?
Now if you’ll excuse me I need some time to think. I need some time alone to clear my head”
They don’t say anything else and just get up and go into the kitchen.
I lay there thinking that these people are a bit much for me but then again they’re technically family so I guess that I can’t complain too much. Everything I said to them is true. I want to earn what I get and not have it handed to me on a silver platter, they’ll probably still try but to be honest I really don’t want that. It wouldn’t feel right.
Did I go too far? I really don’t know what to think about this whole situation. Makes me wonder if this was a setup from the beginning.
I start to realize that I was being sort of a jerk but I felt I had to stand my ground.
As I’m thinking I see Sarah coming down the stairs and she just smiles at me and heads towards where my sister is at.
All this time I could have been doing something useful if I were still where I was. Now, I have to start everything over, the whole situation is making me a bit tense. Things are rather difficult to understand. Maybe I was wrong about these people.
It also makes me wonder if I really would be better off back where I was.
With all that is going through my head I wish I was at the home still. At least if I were there I would be able to have a nice jog to clear my head.
Nothing really is making any sense to me right now. Why did Sis wait 3 years to come to get me? If she had taken me in back then, I probably wouldn’t be such a mess right now and I’d probably be a normal child.
By this point I’m pretty much back to normal for the most part and Sarah comes over and sits next to me and hugs me.
“When Momma told us that she was going to get you I was a little bit scared as to what you would be like. When I heard what you had been through, I wanted to cry that entire night as I can’t imagine what that had to be like to go through.”
“When you’re in a situation like that, you just take each day as it comes. You don’t really have time for much else. It may be hard for you to understand this but I was happy with what I had. If your Mom hadn’t come to get me, I would have been just fine. I had all that I ever wanted and I didn’t really mind the orphanage. When you’ve been in there for as long as I have it starts to grow on you.”
“I kinda understand where you’re coming from a little bit Alex. It makes a bit of sense now why you are the way you are. You have a carefree attitude that I envy you for. You see things for how they are. You really are special Alex and I mean that in a good way.”
She hugs me tightly as I start to realize that I have nothing to worry about and I can really be myself around Sarah.
“Alex, would you like to come play with me? It might take your mind off things a bit.”
I look at her with a bit of a curious look and she says: “You need to relax a bit Alex, I know you’re scared and that’s ok. I’m just trying to make things easier for you.”
She stands up and helps me up and we go into what I can only assume is her playroom.
I look around the room and take everything in that is here.
“Wow……”
“Pretty neat isn’t it?”
“Yeah…..”
She starts pulling things out and I sit on the floor watching her set things up for us to do some coloring.
“I thought we’d start simple and work our way up?”
I nod in agreement and we start coloring. I really start to relax and I get into my zone where everything around me seems to vanish. I look up at Sarah who has a very big smile on her face and I say:
“What?”
“The way you zoned out there reminds me of myself a lot. I see a lot of myself in you, Alex.”
I don’t know whether or not to take that as a compliment or not so I just go back to what I was working on but without zoning out this time.
“Alex, is there anything you’re any good at?”
As I’m coloring I think for a moment before saying: “I’m pretty good on the piano.”
She looks at me with a curious look: “You play Piano?”
I nod and she asks “Would you play something for me? Alyssa has a piano in her room, maybe we can get her to let you play it?”
I say: “That sounds like fun actually.”
We clean up the coloring stuff real quick and then head over to Alyssa’s room and we see her tuning a guitar.
“Hey Sarah, Alex how are you doing?”
I look at Sarah and she basically comes out and says: “Alex here knows how to play piano and we were wondering if you wouldn’t mind him playing a song or two for us?”
Alyssa looks at me with a smile and says “Of Course you can Alex, let me adjust the seat so it fits you better.”
She goes over and adjusts the seat for me and I then sit down and adjust my hands before starting.
The first song I decided to do was Love Song by Sara Bareilles. I decided to sing to this one as I play this as I know this song by heart.
“Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it’s too soon to see
If I’m happy in your hands
I’m unusually hard to hold on to
Blank Stares at Blank Pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one, you see
I’m not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it’s
Make or Break in this
If you’re on your way
I’m not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I’m gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today”
After that point I finish the song and I turn to see Sarah and Alyssa with tears in their eyes.
“That was beautiful Alex. I had no idea that you could do anything like that.” Says Sarah
“That was stunning Alex, what else can you play?”
“I can play a lot, my favorites are things like Celine Dion, Seal, and Mariah Carey.”
Alyssa looks at me and asks “Do you know My Heart Will Go On?”
I laugh and say “Anyone who doesn’t learn that one first is doing an injustice to us all”
She pulls out two chairs for her and Sarah and it was at that point that I realized that Sarah had a Violin out and ready to play.
Alyssa had her guitar out and then said: “This is a bit crazy Alex, I would have never thought you would have that in you.
I look at her and say “When you have as much time to be alone as I did you have to find ways to pass time.”
Continued in Chapter 2
Change of the Mask: New Beginning
Chapter 2
Lilly85
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“In the last chapter we started this journey into the new life for our protagonist Alex. He was in the system of the government for 3 years and was finally adopted by an older sister he had no idea he had to begin with. Alex was frustrated that his sister hadn’t gotten him out of the system years ago and was wondering why if she was raised on the fact that you don’t leave family behind then why did she leave him in the system for as long as she did. That pent up anger inside him led to him blowing up towards his sister and her husband about a variety of things. Then after he finished he asked to be left alone. To end the last chapter Alex and his nieces talked about music and he played and sang a song for them. As the chapter ended they were preparing to do a song as a group.”
“I guess that kind of makes sense in a way Alex.” Says Alyssa
Sarah then goes on to ask “How long have you been playing piano for Alex?”
I think for a moment then reply “I first learned to play when I was about 5 from one of our neighbors at the time. I eventually started learning on my own time after that neighbor moved away when I was 6. From there it was just me learning whatever i could find materials for.”
Alyssa looks at Alex and says “That’s actually quite amazing Alex. To be mostly self taught and be able to do stuff like that is actually quite impressive.”
I look at her, shrug then say “To be honest with you I never really gave much thought into how good I might have actually been. It was just one of my ways to get through the day when I had nothing else to do. The orphanage I was at had plenty of materials for me to go through and I just went through them one by one as time went along. I didn't care what it was but rather, I was more focused on just getting through the day in whatever way I could. There’s only so much you can do when you have nobody to be with.”
Alyssa goes onto say “Can I ask why nobody liked you Alex?”
I sigh as I hate being asked this question but reply “It’s a long story but essentially everybody hated me because I wasn’t interested in anything they were interested in doing. I just stopped going outside for recess for a while and just stayed out of the way. I didn’t bother saying anything because there would have been no point. The teachers and principals didn’t care about stuff like that. They were more focused on making sure kids were getting a good education and in their words Letting the kids be kids”.
Alyssa sighs then says “I guess that explains a lot about why you are how you are. I guess interactions with other kids is hard for you isn’t it?”
I just nod and say “Every interaction I’ve ever had with kids has just ended in someone trying to hurt me either physically or mentally.”
Sarah then speaks up and says “Alex….. I’m sorry that happened to you and I really want to help you see that not everyone is like that. Both mine and Alyssa’s friends are very nice and i’m sure they would be nice to you if you give them the chance.”
I sigh again before saying “Sarah, I appreciate the offer but I think I need to find my way here on my own. I have nothing against either of you and you have both been very nice to me in every way possible. But I need to find my own way here in this new area that I have been put in. I also don’t think that I'm comfortable with the idea of being friends with friends of my nieces. I already told your parents this but i’m going to make this clear to both of you right now, I will not be calling your parents mom and dad. I also won’t be calling you guys my sisters for obvious reasons, if I were to come out and start calling you guys my sisters then it comes to light that i'm actually your uncle how do you think a lot of people would feel about that? It just isn’t practical. I also won’t be calling you my nieces for the same reason. I’ll simply be calling you by your names and that’s that. It’s going to be a bit weird at first but it’s what is best for everyone.
I should also mention that I'm not an athlete like you two are and i have no intention of joining in on any activities that you guys are involved in. For reasons I’ve already said, people are going to think im your adopted sibling and if it came to light that I’m really your uncle then a lot of people are going to be very angry about the deception. I have nothing against anything you guys do, in fact I actually enjoy watching a lot of it. It just isn’t something I'm interested in doing myself.”
Alyssa smiles at me and says “ I can respect that Alex, some of my friends aren’t the athletic type so I can understand where you are coming from in a way. Not all people are super athletic Alex. Each person is unique in their own way and you have many things already that make you unique just like Sarah and I have things that make us unique in who we are.”
Sarah then chimes in and says “Alex I can also understand where you’re coming from. Like Alyssa said, not everyone is a god given athlete or super genius or anything like that. Your Piano playing and your ability to run for as long as you can is what really sets you apart from us. You also have a voice of gold and I was in awe the entire time you were singing Alex.”
I smile at those comments as I think at least part of this family has an understanding of what I stand for and how some things are just not practical in the grand scheme of things.
“I think someone is finally starting to understand just exactly who I am. Your parents had no idea of anything I was talking about and it was actually very frustrating to talk to them about what I was just talking to you about. They had this look of disappointment on their faces after I said what I just told you guys. They didn’t seem to see the bigger picture of everything that i was trying to explain to them. Thank you for the compliments on the piano and singing, it’s not something you learn overnight as I’m sure you can understand. With as much time as I had you learn to just do a few things and stick to them as they are and you become good at those few things over time. If you branch out too much you lose the ability to stay adept in the other activities you are already good at. Not everyone seems to understand this but I like sticking to a few things and leaving it at that. Everyone always thought I was crazy for not doing more activities than I did, but in all honesty me doing less gave me more time to hone in on my talents within those specific activities. Running for me is an escape when I need to just get away and think on my own. I don't run for speed as I’ve already said, I run for distance and to just get away within the cool summer winds and just see where my legs can take me on any given day. With the Piano and my singing it’s my way of letting out my emotions and letting my frustrations come to light in a sort of way that people can feel within them.”
Alyssa looks at me and asks “ Alex, if you don't mind me asking just how far can you run in one go?”
I think for a little bit then say “I don’t think I ever calculated how far I could run in actual measurements. It just wasn’t something I ever thought about. I was at an Orphanage where I had endless amounts of time and over the years I generally didn’t run for that long though. I generally got up at 5 am every day then go for a run until about 7 as a way to stay in shape. Eat breakfast then depending on if school was in session or not I’d either take a shower and eat before heading to school or if school was not in session I would do whatever I could to keep myself busy.”
I then stand up and go to the window and just stare. As I’m looking out of the window I start to wonder just how messed up I really am. Before I can say anything though Alyssa and Sarah pull a few chairs up beside me and Alyssa takes me into a hug and says “Alex, I know you’re struggling with something inside you. Given what you’ve been through it’s hard to not have anything that would be troubling you.”
I pull away and look at her in the eyes before saying “There’s nothing more in this world that I would want in life then to not have to deal with anything anymore. If I’m being truthful with you, I’d probably have ended my life before I had a chance to be myself if your mother hadn’t come and saved me from my disparity.”
Sarah holds my hands and says “Alex…. believe me when I tell you, I’ve been there. It’s not a great mindset for anyone to be in. I can’t imagine what is troubling you so bad but we want to help you. Really we do. But we can’t do anything about what is wrong unless we know what is wrong Alex if that makes sense.”
I turn to look out the window again and sigh. Everything that’s happened has only compounded my initial issues. My parents thought I was a freak and that’s what led to the whole incident that led me to be put into the orphanage in the first place. What would you think if you were some religious bigot that had a child that didn’t conform to what you believed in. I was anything but normal. I was a recluse for the most part and my one true dream when I was younger was just to be who I should have been all along. Yea I had my TV to envision myself as who I should have been, but it would never be the real thing.
Still staring out of the window I said to Alyssa “If I tell you guys what is going on then you’d never want to be around me ever again. It’s probably better that you don’t know. I start to walk out of the room when Sarah says “Alex, wait.”
Change of the Mask: New Beginnings Chapter 3
……. Alex stops in his tracks as Sarah says “Can I ask you something and you not freak out Alex?”
Still not looking at her I sigh and say “I guess.”
She then does something that I wasn’t exactly expecting and sits her and myself on the ground and says “Alex, I know you’re struggling with your new surroundings. I would be myself if I were in your shoes. But what I want to ask is, who is the real you?”
As I try to figure out how to answer this, Sarah says “I have a feeling I know what the real you is but I don’t want to jump to anything.”
I sigh as tears fall from my eyes as I realize what is going on. They really are trying to help but I have done nothing but be rude. After I calmed down a bit, I looked at Sarah and say “I guess it’s time for a story about myself.”
“I’ve never been normal Sarah, to be the way I am now is honestly a miracle. From a young age, I was always a different kind of child. I didn’t fit in with anyone and was always alone. By the age of 4 I had been turned into a recluse. Someone that their parents normally would have tried to seek help for but with money tight we couldn’t afford to do much of anything. When I started school I was ridiculed. Nobody wanted to be around me. Everyone hated me for being the way I was. This whole situation could have been avoided if my father hadn’t done what he did. If you must know what he did then that’s another conversation entirely. What my parents did to me is non excusable. They just were mean and cruel. As you can probably tell, I’m very tiny for my age due to what my parents did to me. As much as I would like to go to school like a normal child, I know it’s not possible. My music playing was my true escape from society. Nobody paid much attention to a young child playing the piano the way I did. Running was just my way of staying in shape as painful as that is to admit.
I really have nowhere to go but down Sarah…… My life is in turmoil and as much as I hate your mother for leaving me in the system for as long as she did, she may have just pulled me out of my misery just enough to see the bigger picture. That whether I like it or not, I’m family to you girls now and my real self isn’t going to come out without a fight….. My parents buried my true self away years ago and all I’ve wanted since is to be the real me….. I probably make no sense at all right now.”
Sarah holds me in her arms and smiles, as she does this, I get a warm feeling inside of me that I haven’t had since I was young. I hug her back in recognition that she’s probably the closest thing I’ll ever have to a true friend.
Alyssa had long since left the room realizing that Sarah and I needed space to bond. Sarah eventually stands us both up and leads me hand in hand out of the room and into her bedroom. She goes to her closet and opens the door where she has a full length mirror hanging on the door. She then comes back over to me where she takes my hand gently and brings me over to the mirror. This is where things take a turn that I honestly never would have seen coming. She stands me up straight and puts her hands on my shoulders and says “Alex, you’ve been shattered by your awful parents and I thought we might not be able to help you out without a problem. However, in just a few short hours whether you realized it or not showed your true self. You’re a young child at heart yearning for someone to just take you in and love you for who you really are! Alex, you may not realize it but you can be yourself now. The young child who doesn’t have to worry about what others think. You really are special Alex, you’re a little princess at heart.”
I look at her in the mirror and realize that maybe she’s right. I lay on the floor and just stare, closing my eyes wondering why I’ve never thought about this like this. Sarah sits down next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder and says “Alex, it’s ok to be yourself now. Nobody will be able to hurt you now. “
I then open my eyes and look over to Sarah before saying “Sarah, I feel so awful for hiding myself for so long”
She sits me up and then says something I really should have seen coming “Alex, you have no reason to feel that way. You were just doing what you had to do until you could find yourself.”
Sarah stands up and goes over to her window and stares, I stand up and walk over to her window and stand next to her starting to cry before saying “You’re right about everything Sarah and as much as it hurts to admit this, I really am just a little girl at heart who needs her new family to help her.”
I leave Sarah’s room and go into the bathroom locking the door behind me and just collapse bawling my eyes out. What have I done to myself, I just professed my true self to someone I’ve barely even met and now I’m bawling my eyes out in the aftermath. My life is going to end the very moment I come out of this room, or so I thought.
It was at that moment that I heard a gentle concerned voice from the other side of the door. “Alex, please listen to me for a minute. Nobody was trying to hurt you, it’s ok to be yourself and we love you for whoever you really are. Please don’t hurt yourself as I can probably imagine you thinking about doing. Come out here sweetheart and I’ll explain everything to you.”
I then became furious and said “You were trying to break me to the point where I just said my innermost thoughts to your daughter like it was no big deal and now you want to try and give me an explanation for all this?! No, there is only one explanation for all that has transpired and that is that you all left me in the system so I could break just enough to where when you brought me home with you I would have no choice but to confess what you already knew was true. You probably already have a little girls room set up too just to add salt in the wound. You guys are no better than mom and dad you jerks!
I then sat down and just sobbed for what seemed like a lifetime. The person on the other side of the door had left and everything just felt like a blur to me…. I knew something was up from the start, now they just mentally scarred me and I’m shaking. The only thing that I have any sort of feeling about is my stomach. I just want to throw up at the situation that is transpiring. Part of me doesn’t even know if anything I said is even true.
I honestly have no idea how long I sat there wallowing in my sorrow. I have no feelings for anyone right now. I hate who I am and I professed who I really am but why? Am I really that insane that I’m a 10 year old boy who wants to be a little girl?
At this point I hear a knock on the door and then someone says “ Alex, it’s Sarah. Can we talk? I’m sorry for everything. Really I am, I knew you were broken but I pushed you too far and now you’re a wreck.”
I sit in silence not knowing what to say before she continues “We love you Alex, really we do. We want to help you, but we can’t do that unless you let us. Please let me in Alex. Let someone help you get better.”
I just look out of the window in the bathroom for a moment before sighing and saying “Why should I even care about myself anymore Sarah, you’re the only one in this family who really cares about me. I haven’t cared about my well-being in years. Why should I do anything different now?”
The moment of silence is deafening but she goes on to say “Alex,I know you’re hurt by everything that has gone on to this point. Only you can change your future Alex and we’re here to guide you on that journey whatever that may be.”
I start to tear up again at the fact that I now have a safe place to be myself for the first time in my life. I move away from the door and unlock it letting Sarah come in.
Upon coming in she sits down beside me and pulls me into a hug. “Let it out Alex, I’m here for you”
I hug her whilst the tears kept coming and she just sat there with me while my emotions ran free.
By this point I’m falling asleep in Sarah’s arms and she says “Why don’t we go take a nap in your new room Alex?”
I look at her groggily and just nodded. She helped me up off the floor and led me to my new room. Before she opened the door she said to me “I hope you enjoy what we put together for you Alex. We knew who you were inside before we met you and thought you would appreciate this type of room better than what you might be used to.” She pecks a kiss on my forehead before opening the door.
Once the door is open and she leads me into my new room, I can only stand in awe of what they went through the trouble to do for me.
Sarah let’s me go take things in without her guidance and I immediately start tearing up happily. I walk around the room in pure bliss and awe. I see my new bed and can only think “Wow” As I walk towards it I start to feel better about everything all of a sudden.
Sarah then says to me “Alex, why don’t we get something more comfortable on to lay down in”
She goes over to the dresser in the room and grabs a few things out of it before laying it all out on the bed for me.
She does all this while I’m staring out the window on the other side of the room quietly.
She looks at me by the window and smiles before saying “Alex? Are you ready?”
I turn to face her and when I see what is on the bed my jaws drop in awe.
She sees my reaction and says “Come here and let’s get you settled.”
I slowly head towards her and the closer I get the more I feel secure and less anxious.
Once I am standing next to her I look at her and then the bed before she asks “Do you want help? Or are you ok?
I look at her before saying quietly “I think I can manage.”
She looks back at me before saying “I’m going to go get something on myself Alex, if you need anything just let me know ok?”
I nod and she walks out of the room shutting the door behind her.
I turn back to the bed and look closer at what Sarah had gotten out for me and honestly I couldn’t believe what had happened. As I started changing clothes I started feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. As I got to the last piece of clothing that Sarah had gotten out for me I questioned my sanity as I held the garment in my hands. Was I really ready to be myself and be the little girl of the house? As wonderful as all this clothing feels, I can’t help but feel like something is missing.
Sarah knocks on my door asking if she can come back in and I just say yes. As she comes back in she notices that I’m just sitting there thinking about something. Then she notices what I have in my hands and sits down next to me and puts her arm around me.
“Mom thought it might be easier on you these first few nights here if you had a little protection to give you a bit of security in case something happens. I know it’s not something that you might be used to but it’s there just in case you need it. Do you want help putting it on?”
As scared as I am of my new surroundings I just nod and she does the necessary to help me feel comfortable in my new surroundings. After the garment is finally on she takes me over to my own mirror and says “You look so sweet. Let’s have a little nap and then we can figure out what to do next.”
I look in the mirror and smile. I know my place now, and you know what? I think I like this more than I realized. I twirl my fingers through my hair as I say “Um Sarah?”
She looks at me and smiles before going “Yes?”
I look at her and wonder how to say this “Sarah, I can’t believe I’m saying this but….”
She looks at me curiously before saying “but what?”
I put my arms around her in a hug before saying “I can’t thank you enough for all this…. I’m free for the first time in my life.
I start to cry again and Sarah pulls me into a tight hug before saying “Alex, I love you so much, you have a long journey ahead of you let’s take it easy on your first day ok?”
I look up at her and she wipes the tears off my face before leading me to my bed where we snuggle up together.