Chapter 1

It’s the first week in April 2015, only a couple more days of spring break left. It was warmer outside than normal for Reno, but we didn’t really do outside too much. Ashley and I are sitting in a corner of the couch. Well I’m mostly hiding behind her not like that really matters. I’m pressed into the corner of the couch and mostly have Ashley pulled on top of me like a shield. She was a few inches taller than me and we’re both about as thick as a match. Ashley acts like a big sister to me even though we were both born in the same year. She thinks just because she is in second grade and I’m in first she is the older smarter one. Okay well she is like six inches taller. But it’s not my fault I was born in december and couldn’t start school the same year she did. I’ll be nine this year too just, not till the end...

“What are they doing?” Ashley whispers.

I just shrugged a little. She can’t see me but it’s not like my answer is going to change all that much since the last two times she asked. Not like I ever did much more than a shrug or sigh or maybe an eyeroll, or the rare combination. Mrs. Stella and Mr. Lopez who are our foster parents for now have two other adults over and two girls. Most of the time the house was quiet which I liked. It was way better than the last place. Still not enough food but they didn’t lock the bathroom and we didn’t get spanked for turning on the faucet or flushing the toilet. Now there are four other people here, and Ashley and I don’t like people.

Besides we could see into the bathroom. The strange lady had the smaller of the girls on the toilet and was clearly dying her hair what looked like a very dark black. I thought her brown looked fine but who wants my opinion. The other girl was sitting across from us on the other couch. She looked almost as uncomfortable as we did. It’s a good size room really. Wood floors two couches with end tables on each side of them. A television we never really used on one end with Mr. and Mrs. Lopez chairs opposite it along with their foot rests. When we got here Mrs. Stella described it as “functional”.

Mrs. Stella is in the kitchen and it smells like she was cooking. Rice most likely, maybe this time there will be meat in it. Mr. Lopez and the other man are also in the kitchen talking. The’re speaking spanish so we can’t tell what they are saying. We kept hearing our names a lot as well as Sofi and Mary. Those must be the other kids. The man sounds like he’s worried and Mr. Lopez is trying to make him feel better. Mr. Lopez takes two of his beers out of the fridge and hands one to the man. Ashley and I both tensed up a little. Mr. Lopez never shares his beer.

“Avery, what are they doing.” Ashley whispers to me again. She lets out a small pout sound as she feels my shrug yet again. “I need to pee.” Ashley whispers to me as if there was some way I could remove the strange people from the house or even the bathroom. A whimper escapes her and she clenches her legs.

Minutes passed and Ashley was all but bouncing. The strange girl was mostly not trying to stare before. There isn’t really much to look at and now it seemed the entertainment was seeing how long it would take for Ashley to pee herself, the couch...and me. With a sigh I gently poked her in the side.

“Your not helping” Ashley scolds, if it’s possible to scold and still whisper.

Something between a sigh and a grunt along with a small push to her shoulder finally conveys my intent as Ashley gets the hint and stands to let me up. Mrs. Stella and the men are still in the kitchen and the lady and shorter girl are still in the bathroom. Which means nobody is in our rooms. As I stand Ashley starts to sit back down. With a stare and eye roll combo only I have the skill to pull off I grab her hand pulling her to her feet. I am positive I was lurking with master stealth as we go to my room. Ashley however, well she was more tiptoeing with her knees locked together. I swear I heard a snicker from the girl.

“Okay, so why did you drag me into your room already.” Ashley said as I mostly closed my door. I would be in trouble if I ever closed it all the way before bedtime, and with Ashley in here I really didn’t want to find out just how mad Mrs. Stella and Mr. Lopez would get. They didn’t seem to get as angry as our last place, at least not yet. I’ve been in enough places though and it never stays as nice as in the beginning. Although it has been most of a year and they haven’t spanked us yet. Or taken our bedroom doors off. Heck we even eat twice a day most of the time. At least on school days.

I walk to my dresser and opened the bottom drawer. Pulled out two of my Goodnights and tossed one to Ashley’s feet. She looked up at me her eyes as big as saucers. “You have to be kidding!” she somehow yelled and whispered at the same time. Her dark brown eyes drilling lasers into me as I walked to the far side of the bed. “I can’t use this” she protests.

I bend a little, she knew what I was doing. A moment later I took the clean Goodnight off the bed and bent once more and a last time as I pull my pants back up. Taking the now completely soaked one from the floor and putting it in the diaper pail next to the closet. I just looked at her. She pouted again. I raised my eyebrows and she whimpered. I raised my hands in exasperation and gestured to the rest of the house. The house with strangers in our bathroom kitchen and living room. Almost daring her to find a better solution.

She somehow manages to be both reluctant yet urgent as I watch her hobbeling to the far side of my bed as she is mostly resigned and extremely disgruntled. “Your a boy, I can’t do this here.” she said. As if I can see thru the bed even when she stands upright. She is tall, but not that tall.

Rolling my eyes I turn to look out the crack in my door as if I were standing guard. I never could have done this at the last place. I need the Goodnights at night. I would only get one a day, if I needed another one I’d get in trouble. Here there is always an extra package unopened, even if half the time they are the ones with princesses and stuff on them. It makes things a lot easier during the day. Using the toilet is best avoided. So many times I must have done it wrong. Or I needed to at the wrong time. These people say it’s fine and all but if I do it wrong again maybe they will lock it like the last place when “He” was working. Even Ashley wont say his name. I don’t want to ruin it for Ashley, she really does not like diapers. If the bathroom gets locked and it's my fault maybe Ashley won’t be my friend anymore. Ashley says those other foster parents were wrong and just mean. That if I wanted to she would help me. Ashley is the only friend I have ever had I just don't want to mess it up. She never once took my food even though she is bigger than me. She would even try to stop Brian from picking on me if it got bad.

A few whimpers later and I heard her moving from behind my bed. She drops the now soaked Goodnight into the pail with a thud. When she looks up at me I’m shocked. She’s crying. There's a couple tears running down her cheek and her eyes are all red. Ohh no, did I hurt her? The thought terrifies, I take a tentative step towards her. If she hit me, that’s fine, I don't know how but I must have messed up something. I wanted to run, or curl up into a ball, if only I could become invisible. I froze. I don’t think I could have moved even if “He” was coming up behind me.

Ashley came closer and with a small burst of speed she wrapped her arms around me...and just...hugged me. With her chin on my head she just hugged me and cried. “Thank you Avery. I’m sorry I’m crying. I try to be big, to be strong, it’s just. It made me feel helpless again, I’m sorry. You really did help and thank you.” She said as she softly, quietly, cried.

I don’t really understand. She is big and strong. At least to me. I don’t understand how using a diaper makes her feel helpless. To me it’s safer. I can’t get in trouble this way and I don’t have to worry if I forget I need to pee. As long as she’s not mad at me, nothing else matters. I can’t remember the last time someone hugged me. With Ashley it feels kind of nice. Thinking of doing this with anyone else however. I don’t know what I would do. Too many people touch too much. It’s just not normal. When people touch you it’s to take, or tell you that you went to far, or too close, or, or...not this. Sure I know what a hug is heck I’ve even seen kissing on television a few times. But movies are pretend, everyone knows that.

***

“I don’t like it either Jose, but it’s our best bad option” Pedro Lopez said as he took two beers out of the fridge handing one to Jose. “You’re family, and this is the best we have come up with. Stella’s cousin can check her in with Avery’s medicaid, you get the tests for Sofi and we find out whats wrong. Then we go from there, figure out what she needs and how to help her.”

Cracking the beer Jose takes a long drink. “But Avery is a boy, how can my Sofi pretend to be a boy for this?” Jose replies.

“Because my cousin said it’s going to work.” Stella interjects from the stove. “She said it’s simple blood work, at most they will xray her hands and feet. Once we get Sofi’s diagnosis we can take Avery back for a second opinion, where they will find nothing wrong. Nobody gets hurt and we find out how to help Sofi.”

“I still don’t like it.” Jose says. “It seems too complicated, were dying my baby’s hair so she can pretend to be a boy for Christ sake.”

“You don’t even have a green card. Or the money to get these tests done. You know no hospital will help her unless she is about to die, right before they send you all back to Mexico.” Pedro replies. “Look, it makes sense to be worried. It’s your girl. That’s why we need to help her. Sofi just turned six and she is growing breasts. You know that’s not right. It could be something really bad. We need to know. Once we find out, if it will cost too much maybe you will have to go back to Mexico to get help. But, if it’s just a pill or some small thing. Your family can stay here.”

Jose started to look defeated as he finished his beer. “It’s mostly Avery being a boy. Why can’t Sofi be Ashley? At least then I won’t be so worried about getting caught. You know how big of a deal they will make this. Wanting to help my Sofi won’t matter to ICE. They might even lock us up before they deport us.”

“If it were Mary than yeah we could use Ashley.” Stella says. “Ashley is way too tall, When they measure Sofi being off an inch or so won't really matter. Being off like seven inches, no way that won’t raise a red flag and make people start wondering how a kid changed that much. It might get us caught. Also, Ashley and Avery get a checkup every year. If Sofi were taller maybe we could make it work. How do we explain a kid getting six or eight inches shorter? They might call the police on the spot. No, it only works with Avery. Yes he is a boy but he is the right height. Also his skin is dark enough. Ashley is olive, and she looks about as mexican as Connie Chung. Avery is actually a little darker than Sofi. They said his parents came over from Indonesia. I’m guessing that’s most of why he is so short. People just don’t get that tall over there. With the hair they should be close enough. Just be glad Avery has long thick hair too. I keep wanting to cut it for him but he gets terrified being close to people, and with scissors in my hand I don’t even dare. I’d feel horrible if we had to cut Sofi’s hair. The black won’t look bad, she might even like it.”

“Indonesians and Mexicans don’t look the same.” Jose said. Mostly arguing for the sake of it.

“So you want Sofi to pretend to be a seven inch taller half Asian kid?” Stella bit back. ”Come on. I get you’re nervous. I am to. Hell, if you weren’t family no way I would risk this. We have a lot to lose getting caught too you know. Were not going to keep doing this. Just get the bloodwork, find out what’s wrong and go from there. It’s a one time thing. Sofi doesn’t even have to pretend to be anything. We’re just using Avery’s card to get some blood work.” Gesturing to the kids in the living room. Just as Avery and Ashley were oddly moving to Avery’s room. “When I check in with Sofi, I’ll wait until my cousin is there. She can mislog the referral so it looks like it was for Avery the whole time. All the tests are ordered already. Nobody is going to bother following up on the details of a referral as long as the Medicaid pays out anyway. A doctor isn’t even really going to look at Sofi. Just the test results that they get and send to us. Sofi can be Sofi as long as she responds to the name Avery. Any of the people doing the tests just see a test ordered and a kid to do them on.” Placing a hand Jose’s shoulder. “Sofi is my niece. I want to protect her just as much as you do.” Looking up into Jose’s eyes for a long moment. “Now help Pedro set the table dinner is almost done.”

“What?” Stella says into the phone. It’s her cousin from the clinic. “Hold on, start over and let me put you on speaker phone. Pedro, you need to hear this.” Getting his attention as he was coming in from mowing the lawn. Both sat at the kitchen table, phone in the center on speaker. “Okay Michelle, Pedro is here. Tell us what happened.

“Well, alright” Michelle starts clearing her head to start again from the beginning. Sounding nervous and worried. “I was checking you in. Got the referal all set up no problem just like I said. I was confirming Avery for the appointments. Normal stuff. But it wouldn’t accept him for some of the tests. At first I couldn’t figure out why. But...You didn’t tell me they wanted an MRI.”

“That’s just x-rays and stuff. So what.” Stella interrupts.

“So what?” Michelle exclaims? “The, So What, is, how does a Boy, named Avery get an MRI of his uterus and ovaries? That’s, what’s, So What!” Michelle hisses. “You didn’t tell me anything about an MRI. You said blood work and a couple x-rays. The And Stuff part is rather important. Had I known about the MRI I would have told you right off there was no way we could do this, not with a boy anyway.” Both Stella and Pedro wide eyed went silent for a long moment.

“So, what happened?” Pedro whispers.

“Well, at that point I couldn’t just call everything off. Not without me announcing to everyone that I thought you were trying to commit feraud.” Michelle said. “I wasn’t about to get you arrested. It’s not like I had a lot of time. I didn’t really have a choice. It was all I could think of.

“What was all you could think of” Stella interrupts. “What did you do?”

With a heavy sigh Michelle continues. “The only way the system would accept Avery for a scheduled MRI of ovaries and uterus was to change his gender to female.”

“That’s all? Pedro replies. “So just change it back and everything is fine.”

“Everything is not fine. First of all, it can’t be changed back until medicaid gets billed and pays it. Or the system will kick it out. People will wonder how a boy had this stuff done in the first place. Medicaid might wonder why they are being billed like this. Might start a full audit looking for feraud. The way this was going to work is that it was not supposed to be a big deal, so nobody would look at it. Just some basic tests.” Michelle states. “On top of that, my helping out the front desk while Conny went on break didn’t go unnoticed.” Michelle continues. “She’s pretty pissed at me. To do all this she had to leave her terminal unlocked. I told her you were a friend and were almost late. As a favor she let me check you in so you didn’t lose Avery’s appointment. Should have been no big deal. Would have been no big deal. Except for that Kyle guy a month back who was doing some kind of identity thing. Now their being anal about terminal access and all that. I got yelled at and a verbal reprimand. Conny got written up for leaving a terminal unsecured. She might lose her next raise over just trying to help me help you. I feel bad for her. The really bad part though. I can not change it back at all. Nothing about my job gives me access to the computers. I’m the one that puts stuff on paper for other people to enter. I can’t ask anyone to help, getting involved in this would be career ending. I basically falsified medical records.”

“So, your saying that all Avery’s medical records at the clinic say he’s a female now?” Stella asks.

“I wish.” Michelle says. “Everything is pretty much all connected. All his medical records say he is a female now. Likely all, even the medicaid ones most likely.”

“Shit” Pedro adds.

“Yeah shit.” Michelle continues. “Either it’s just the medical records and we all go to jail when medicaid refuses to pay for a boy getting this MRI, or they pay it and we all go to jail when someone realizes Avery is a boy again...like his next physical.”

“What do we do now?” Stella asks…

***

I’m sitting on the couch reading. I swear. Honestly I didn’t even need the book anymore to read it I had this one memorized. The other three in my collection as well. The school wouldn’t let me take any more home than the four even though it was spring break and I couldn’t get any more until we went back. So I guess I was pretending to read, or maybe wishing I was reading.

Ashley was on the floor drawing. I could watch her draw for hours. She has this way of drawing. It looks like she totally messes up but by the time it’s done it’s beautiful. Trees and mountains or rivers and stuff. All these beautiful places I doubt either of us have ever been. I like to just watch her and wish I could visit some of those places. At least until she notices me watching then she hides it away. If I could do that I’d let her watch. I think.

A knock at the door broke both of us out of our thoughts. In a moment Ashley had her papers stuffed back into her folder and pencil hidden. My book vanished into the couch cushion just as fast. Both of us learned a long time ago, if you care about something never let anyone see it. Or you will lose it.

Pedro walks from the hallway across the room and opens the door. “Good to see you again Jose and Angela, please come in.” As Pedro steps aside to let them in. It’s the people from yesterday with those two girls, and it looks like they brought groceries. Both girls sit on the far couch with a backpack as the adults move to the kitchen and switch to spanish.

A long moment passes. Ashley with her back to my couch and myself in the corner hiding my book. I think Ashley slid her folder under the couch. We all just kind of look over each other. Not in any particular way mostly just getting a good look. The lights were on more this time and it was the first time we could really see each other. The small one was in the bathroom getting her hair dyed most of yesterday and we really only got a chance to see each other when we were eating. All Ashley and I were paying attention to then was the food. We got more than normal and we never turn down food.

The taller one had long black hair almost as dark as mine but hers had a wave to it and mine was completely straight. She seemed about our age and more Ashley’s height maybe a little taller. She wore a pair of skinny jeans with some sparkly things near the ankles and by the pockets as well as a shirt like Ashley has. I think she called it a peasant shirt or I guess blouse. I still don’t know what the difference between a shirt and a blouse is, other than the buttons on the other side. Most of my not school cloths were from Ashley anyway.

The shorter one use to have brown hair but now it was as black as mine and just as straight. Mine is longer I think because hers only goes down to her lower back. She had on black tights and some shorts with a bib thing in the front and straps over the shoulders like a farmer would wear but they would have pants. Under that was a light blue shirt with long sleeves. Both were wearing sandals but the taller ones had a small heel on them. The only reason I even noticed is because last time we got shoes Ashley told me she really wanted ones with a heel. I think she’s tall enough.

The tall one started to speak. “I’m Mary, and this is my little sister Sofi. You must be Avery?”

She was looking at me. I don’t know this person why was she talking to me. Why do people always want to talk to people they don’t know. I pulled my legs up and started squeezing my hands together. I’m not talking to this Mary whoever she is that’s just not going to happen. Thankfully my Ashley shield saved me again.

“Yeah, that’s Avery and I’m Ashley.” Ashley says in almost a whisper.

Our aunt Stella said that you like to draw and that Avery likes books, so um...our mom got you these.” Mary said as she pulled out a colored pencil set with a sharpener along with a thick book of blank paper. “And these are for you.” Mary added setting down the pencils and paper as she pulled out what must have been at least 8 books.

My eyes got big looking at all those books for a second. But there’s no way I can read all those before they leave. Ashley certainly isn’t going to draw in front of them either. She set the books onto Sofi’s lap and pushed the backpack off to the side. Standing with the pencils and paper I could see the side of her face as Mary shot Sofi a quick mini glare. Sofi replied with a micro eyebrow crunch but stood next to her sister holding the books. They took a couple steps until they were standing almost in front of us.

“There yours, if you want them.” Mary said and as if that was the que both girls began raising their arms in front of us. No closer than they had to be to hand us the books. With us still seated though it feels like their almost looming over us. Are they really giving this stuff to us, like to keep? It’s not our birthday or Christmas. This stuff isn’t even on the list of school supplies and we already have that stuff.

Ashley and I both looked at each other. We both know what we’re thinking. Should we trust these people? This place was alright if I had to admit it. Nobody ever hit us or yelled at us or any of that. The problem is, we were both watching for the day that would all change. Maybe this is it. Like Brian. He would wait as we got our presents now and then and if he couldn’t take them he broke them. Ashley says she is positive not all people are like that. It would be nice if she is right. I can see the question in her eyes as well. She wants to believe this place is different and I want to believe her. Should we trust these people, even a little?

“My arms are getting heavy” Mary says. “You can have this stuff, really.”

It’s the smallest nod. The kind you make without moving at all. With Ashley’s nod we both reach up for the stuff. Not too fast, I don’t think their going to pull it back but we won’t let them surprise us. We both let out a breath as our hands took the books and pencils. I don’t think either of us realized we were holding it.

“We also brought this.” Mary says as they turn back to the couch. The moment their backs were turned both Ashley and I made our new books and pencils disappear. Sofi sat back on the couch as Mary picks up the backpack taking out another book. “We both picked this out.” As they looked back up at us and noticed the stuff was gone they both looked a little surprised. Nothing was said but Mary did pause for a moment. “Um...since we all have long hair Sofi and I thought we could braid each other's hair?” Mary added holding up the book. Braids for Beginners on the cover. “You guys can have this book too, but we haven't really looked at it yet so um, maybe make it disappear later?”

Ashley and I looked at eachother then back at the book then back at eachother like our heads were connected. Both Mary and Sofi were pulling out combs and brushes and a packet of hair ties as they set them on the end table. They even got the foot stools from Mr. Lopez’s and Mrs. Stella’s chairs and set them up in the middle of the floor.

Ashley looked at me and she looks like she wants to do this. She wants these people to touch us? I shot back my look of shock instantly. Her pout. How can she pull off a pout like that, it’s not fair. I want to agree but thinking of one of them standing behind me and who knows what. I can’t do this, I just can”t. I opened my mouth and wide eyed just shook my head frantically back and forth in micro jerks a couple times. I just can’t do it. Looking down my hands are shaking. If Ashley wants to do this I want to too but I just can’t. I can’t let them touch me.

“Maybe Sofi and I can go and see if the soda is cold enough yet.” Mary said as she looks towards Sofi who with a strong nod leads the way up the hallway to the kitchen.

Ashley gets up off the floor and sits on the couch right next to me. “Please Avery, this could be fun. Their not going to hurt us. Not everyone is like it was at that house.” Ashley can see how much I don’t want this to happen, she actually puts her arm around me. Holding me close we kind of rock back and forth a little. “Avery, do you trust me?” She asks. “I don’t think they want to hurt us, and I really would like another friend.”

I can only give a small nod. I do trust her. She is the only one who never tried to hurt me. She stuck up for me even when she got hurt because of it. How could I not trust her. Part of me knows she is right. Nothing those girls have done is mean. I just don’t want to get hurt again. If Ashley wants to try this then it’s a risk I’ll take, for her. I pull away a bit and wipe a tear off my cheek I didn’t know was there.

“We both know we can’t trust everyone. We also can’t not trust anyone. There has to be more people than you and me that aren't mean. We just have to find them, carefully.” Ashley whispers as she pulls me back into a hug. Hearing the girls coming back down the hallway Ashley pulls her arm from around me but stays close.

“We have soda!” Mary exclaims tipping one glass into the air in a makeshift salute. “And ice. It wasn’t that cold yet.” Sofi and Mary each set a glass on the end table next to me.

Leaning over me Ashley grabs a glass whispering “This could be fun if you let it.” Taking a sip before standing and setting the glass back down. “I’ll do Avery’s hair.” She says to Mary.

“We were kind of hoping you and I could do each other and Sofi and Avery could do each other.” Mary says and then adds. “We’ve done each others hair before and it's easy for me to do hers but when we switch she’s too short to really be able to do mine.”

“I’m not too short, your too tall.” Sofi grumbles.

Ashley looks at me. She tried again to shield me. Most of the time I felt grateful or relieved when she did that. This time I just felt guilty. She’s right it’s not likely I need saving here. With a wince I reluctantly nod. Ashley beamed for half a second but her smile is lasting much longer. Is she really that excited about this? It’s just hair braiding.

“Sofi should do Avery first then, I don’t think he’s ever done more than that ponytail, and um, I’m not so good either” Ashley says ending with a glance to the floor before reaching over for another sip of soda.

“That’s fine. Not like were some experts anyway. Besides it’s a book for beginners anyway. It can’t be too hard to figure out.” Mary says.

“Both of you brush your own hair first to get any knots out, so we don’t have to worry about pulling too hard as much.” Mary says as we sit down on the foot rests.

At first I was shaking like a leaf. My heart was beating so fast I thought my nose would start bleeding again. I looked up to see Ashley sitting across from me. Her eyes were a bit watery and she gave me a weak smile. Then she took a deep breath and let it out. She did it again and then gave me a slight nod. I tried it. It kind of helped a little. After a few more breaths looking back at Ashley she looks at me and closes her eyes and starts breathing deeply a few times. Alright I guess. It didn’t hurt or anything. Before long I began to actually calm down. I opened my eyes to peak at Ashley and she had a peaceful smile on her face. She actually looked content. I closed my eyes again and Sofi just kept brushing my hair in slow gentle long strokes. It actually started to feel nice. Someone I just met was touching me and it actually felt kind of nice. I even started to smile a little. The moment I noticed I quickly opened my eyes to see Ashley looking right at me with a big grin on her face. With a sigh of defeat I closed my eyes and tried again to just enjoy this.

“Wow Avery, your hair is beautiful. I don’t think I have ever seen hair this thick.” Sofi says. “I could play with it all day if you let me.” She adds with a quiet giggle. “I should braid it like a samurai, maybe a bun like in Mulan, what do you want?

It took a moment to realize Sofi asked me a question. I just gave a shrug. Really as long as she didn’t want to come near me with more than a brush I was fine. It really was nice feeling. I was starting to get uncomfortable about feeling so relaxed with someone touching me. That just didn’t seem like a good idea. Then I would look up at Ashley and see how genuinely happy she was. I’ve seen her smile and happy a few times. Never quite like she looked now though. Did this feel as nice to her as it did for me?

I looked up and opened my eyes when Sofi stopped. She handed the book to me and told me to pick the one I wanted. I just kinda raised my eyebrows and shrugged. I offered the book to Ashley with a quick pleading glance. She quickly took it and started paging through.

“Maybe this one for Avery, a dutch braid? Pick any one you feel like doing Mary I don’t mind.” Ashley asked as she turned the book to me.

I really didn’t have any real idea what they were so I just nodded with a half smile. It meant Sofi would keep playing with my hair and I had to admit I was really liking it.

It felt really weird having my hair braided like this. It was a little easier to move though since it was all together. Feeling the back of my head felt really strange though. It kinda felt lighter too somehow. Not really sure how that works. I did an alright job on just a basic braid on Sofi’s hair. It was sort of fun. I never did anything with someone else's hair before. When we were called for dinner it was a ton of food. Like way more than normal. Sofi and Mary’s parents brought over food and cooked it for us. They said it was a thank you, same as the stuff they gave us. Not really sure what we did but, we never turn down food. They did leave the braid book. I insisted Ashley keep it with her. I never would have done it without her and she seems to like the braid stuff a bit more than me.

Ashley got kinda hooked on the hair book. I didn’t mind because at first she would practice on me and that felt wonderful. I was beginning to look forward to it every day after school. She started bribing me in the mornings to do her hair with the offer of doing mine after. The first day I refused to wear a braid to school but she pointed out how ratty my hair looked at the end of the day with just my ponytail and I had to admit it was true.

I got a couple odd looks when I first went to school with a dutch braid, but I always got odd looks and the dutch braid turned out to be my favorite. The best thing about not talking to anyone is I never had to explain to anyone why I was braiding my hair. I did notice that I was the only boy with braided hair but even the couple other boys with long hair didn’t have it as long as mine. After a week I became convinced that it was just a better way to do it. It stayed neet and I never had to mess with it. Ashley however never could seem to pick a favorite and she liked to try different ones on me after we were home.

Stella had to take me to the doctor to get a shot but she said it was normal. The nurse said it would let me grow more so I guess it’s a good thing. I think I’m the smallest kid in the whole school even with the kindergarten class. It really hurt, who likes getting shots. If it would help me grow some I guess it’s alright. Not like I have a choice anyway. Besides once I found out Sofi was only six anything that will help me get taller is a good thing. I’ll be nine the end of this year.

Sofi and Mary came over a couple times and I think they were surprised how well we learned the book. They didn’t have it so we had to show them the more complicated ones but it was always fun. It took a while but I even let Ashley cut the ends of my hair. She said it was to even it out and get rid of split ends. It didn’t hurt or anything and Stella has been trying to cut my hair for ever. Just scissors kinda scare me.

They all kind of ganged up on me about how to wash my hair too. Sofi and Mary backed off when they realised how it was making me feel. That’s when I really realised that they really weren't going to hurt me. I’m starting to think Sofi could be a friend even. She is nice and gentile. She is also quiet, not as quiet as me but still. She is only an inch or two taller than me so it’s not very intimidating, and I’m almost three years older. Ashley convinced me it was to make my hair healthy and strong. I kind of thought my hair was. Even after she cut it when it wasn’t braided it fell past my waist. If I tried I could kind of sit on it. Ashley is jealous because hers just won’t grow that long but hers is still way longer than Mary’s. She says it’s from my parents. Sofi’s hair is probably as long as Ashley is but she is so much taller it doesn't look like it. I started doing the hair wash stuff and even something they called leave in conditioner a couple times a week. Mostly to stop them from bugging me but also because if I can make it even longer and more nice Ashley will be more jealous. I hope it’s not bad of me to think like that of her. I think I mean it in a good way.

Ashley also kept trying to braid her own hair. I wondered why, she knows I’ll do it for her and it’s faster. I kept laughing the first few times because it was all loose and frumpy. Big mistake. She dared me to try it to. I admit it is way easier to braid someone else's hair than your own. It took a couple weeks but I’m pretty good at the dutch braid now. I can do some of the others but unless I go really slow it never comes out right.

Now every morning after were mostly ready for school we sit together braiding our hair. A lot of the time Ashley talks about school and stuff. I like hearing her voice. She could talk about anything and that's just fine. As long as we're together I think we can make it through anything. I also need to admit that with the conditioner and that leave in stuff, my hair is so much softer and shiney now. Sofi says if I wanted to I could probably sell it for a million dollars. I think that's a lot of money but no way I’m letting anyone cut it off. I don’t think I'd be scared if Ashley did it but now I just like it too much.

I’m starting to really think Ashley was right about that last place. It’s nice here. We eat, never enough but still. We never get yelled at and we get things we need. Mrs. Stella even got us each really nice brushes and hair ties. Also all that special shampoo and stuff. Mr. Lopez has been staying home a lot lately though. He use to be at work before we left for school. Now he mostly sits in his chair looking at his laptop or reading newspapers. They usually speak spanish unless they are talking to us, but we can tell somethings wrong. I hope it gets better whatever it is. This is the best place we have been in.

I knew it was going to be bad. They never call us into the living room this late. It’s their television time together they call it. This time the television was off though. Definitely something bad, and were part of it. I don't think we did anything. Were we too loud? I was just reading I don't know how that was bad…

“I’m sorry kids.” Mr. Lopez said. “There's really no easy way to say this. I haven't been working for a few weeks now. I was hoping I could find something. It’s just not happening as soon as we wanted.”

As Mr. Lopez trailed off Mrs Stella picked up. “You’re both really good kids. Were happy to have you here.” She said looking at her husband who nodded with wet eyes. “We know some of what you have been through. I’m sure nobody really knows it all. We know it’s been hard for you. You have been perfect children in every way. We just wish we could…” She was crying. Not just a stray tear but really crying.

“We haven't been fair to you two.” Mr. Lopez took over. “You deserve so much better. We can't give you the things you deserve. We haven't even been able to give you enough food.” Mr. Lopez took a long pause as his wife cried. “We can't be your foster parents anymore. We just don’t have the ability to provide for you the way you deserve. When school lets out, the following Monday your caseworker will come and find you better homes.” Mr. Lopez fought back tears. “I’m sorry children. I failed. I pray one day you can forgive us.”

We were both stunned. These were good people. I never really realized it before. They were always kind to us. At first we expected it to change, but it never did. All the times they tried to get close to us went through my mind. Did I push them away? As their words echoed in my head it finally sank in what they were really saying. We had to leave. We can't stay here anymore.

Ashley was already crying. The stun wore off and I burst into tears as well. Mrs. Stella moved next to Ashley and put her arm around my most best true friend ever. Ashley shriveled in on herself and just cried in a half hug from Mrs. Stella. Mr. Lopez started to reach for me too. I stood in a flash releasing a gasp. Running to my room I didn’t realise that I slammed the door but I was already in the air flying onto my bed where I collapsed into a sobbing mess. There were only a couple days of school left. Then the long weekend and then… We wouldn't see Sofi and Mary anymore. We would have to leave and what kind of place would we be in next. Just when this place started to feel safe.. Is it our fault, is it my fault. My fault for not trusting them. Sometime later sleep came. Pillow soaked with tears. The first place that started to feel like I thought a home might, was almost gone.

Sometime in the night I woke up and almost jumped out of bed until I realised it was Ashley laying behind me with her arm over me pulling me close. I pulled her arm close to my chest and it felt like I never stopped crying.

“I’m sorry Avery.” Ashley whispered. “We might not be able to stay together either.” The moment she said it I knew it was true. We were not related in any way. It was just luck we both got this place together. It’s not likely it can happen again, if I learned anything it’s that I’m all out of luck. We have to though. What am I going to do without Ashley…

The last couple days of school were a blur. It was end of the year testing and I really try to do well most of the time. I just didn't care anymore. I don't think I did too bad but honestly I just wasn’t paying attention. I just felt hollow. Like my life was being sucked away. It never felt like this before. I was happy to leave the other places. This time. Well I guess I never really tried to get close to the Lopez family. Normally there's no point. Now I regret it though. Like a great story I left on the shelf. Only another hour left till I can go home and...pack I guess.

Sitting in my room. I did nothing all weekend. Just staring at the wall. I really needed to pack. Tomorrow morning some time our case worker would show up and take us....somewhere else. Not like I had a lot to pack. It wasn't likely I would go back to the same school anyway and those uniforms were already a little short. Mrs. Stella says that if I stand tall and proper I am 4 feet tall now. I’m still only 40 pounds but Mrs. Stella says I might be hitting a growth spurt. All I really have to pack is just my casual clothes I mostly got from Ashley. The ones that didn't look too girly anyway. A couple pairs of stretchy jeans and a few tops that mostly just pulled over my head. Good thing we both like long sleeves. Why boys don't wear stretchy jeans I don't know, they are really comfortable it's like a second skin. Almost like a superhero costume in a way.

I never really got odd looks wearing them, Ashley would say it's because they thought I was a girl. She likes to tease me like that sometimes. I’m a boy. Wearing girls clothes won't make me a girl. I see a boy in the mirror. So I don’t like people I don't know cutting my hair and it got a little long...or a lot long. Like the samurai Mary told me about. Or some of those animated, no anime characters they showed me when they brought over their comics.. They all got super powers and fight the bad guys. Not much girly about that.

Ashley says I’m genetically related to her. She is half chinese. She says that a really long time ago there were a bunch of chinese where my parents came from in Indonesia and so were sort of related. My skin is way darker than hers though but our hair is very similar. She also said it's not the same as the african kids at school it's a bit more olive like hers. I don’t really understand that. Olive is green and she’s not green. She is way better with the science stuff and body things, she is really smart too I think. I wonder if were related enough to stay in the same foster home again.

I need to toss my not school cloths in a bag. My books, hair stuff and few random trinkets I actually own into a box. I guess that's it. No point in rushing it. I brushed out my hair out of habit now. Just kind of stopped there. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I almost made more friends and now that’s all going away. I must look kind of funny sitting here on a stool with long wild hair flowing around me. I wasn’t crying any more I think I’m all cried out. I heard Ashley come to my doorway but then she just walked away.

Avery hadn't moved in the minut it took me to come back from my room. Or in the twenty minutes since the last time I walked past his door. I took my matching stool Mrs. Stella got us when we kept braiding our hair on their footrests. I wonder if we can take these with us… Setting the chair down directly in front of Avery I parted the hair from his face and made him look at me. He has these amazingly deep black eyes that just swallow you whole. His eyelashes trap you like a fly each time he blinks. I always like looking into his eyes but he usually looks away or at the floor. Not this time. I put my fingers under his chin and made him look at me.

“You have to stop this Avery.” I said in a soft gentle voice. “I know it sucks, I don’t like it either. That’s just how it is. We both know that by now.” The hurt on his face mirrored my own. We both felt it. I won’t, can’t let it break me. I can’t hang on like Avery. If I break I know I’ll turn into one of those bad people we have been hiding from our whole lives. I was so close that day Avery showed up at that house. I think those eyes saved me honestly. He was so lost. Only the smallest shred of hope still lingered in those beautiful black eyes. I couldn’t let him break like was. So I did what I could to protect him. I couldn’t fight off the big kids. I could make it loud enough for someone to stop it though. So I did. I tried to save myself by saving him. It didn’t always work. I’m not as strong as he thinks I am. Despite everything. He never went bad. Sometimes it made me mad, how could he not hate after everything. I would have, I wanted too. I really did. It would have made things so much easier. Because he didn’t, I couldn’t.

“It's not the end of the world Avery. Even if we don't end up in the same place again, we can still wright. Our caseworker can give us our addresses. We might even be able to go to the same school.” Ashley said. “Whatever happens. We will still be friends. I need you Avery. I need you so much.” I could feel the tears start to run down my face. I can’t look away from him. Until he leaned in and hugged me. He never did that before. We both cried and held each other. I never cared about anyone as much as I did Avery. For a moment, it was just right. I never wanted it to end. Until my leg started getting a cramp. It was a bit awkward balancing on the stool but neither of us wanted it to end.

A minute or two later we broke the hug. After a long pause looking at those big eyes again I moved the stool behind him and grabbed his brush and hair stuff off his dresser. For a long while I just brushed his hair. Slow gentile long strokes. I was just thinking. Brushing his hair was almost as relaxing to me as it was to him. It is just so long thick and beautiful. Mary always says how unfair it is for a boy to have such thick hair when hers which was nice and healthy in it's own right, would never be as thick and long as Avery’s hair. “Promise me. No matter what happens you will keep taking care of your hair Avery. It’s just too perfect to go to waste.” A long moment passed again. I just kept slowly brushing. “I’m serious. Take care of your hair and yourself. Please, no matter what. You have to make it through this. Promise, for me.” I felt a little bad about the for me part but I meant it. I need him to make it past this because if not, I know I won’t.

Ashley just kept gently brushing my hair. What does it mean when having your hair brushed by someone else feels so good. When I brush my own hair it feels nothing like this. When I do it it’s a task and little more. I like my hair brushed and neat. It makes me feel better about myself, which is most of why I let them talk me into taking such care in my hair.. Just it never feels as soothing and relaxing as when someone else does it. It’s almost like a super power.

Thinking back it’s funny how that all happened. It felt like more school work at first. “Wash your hair with just water first.” They said. “Then put conditioner on the lower half so the shampoo won’t dry it out.” They said. “Wash mostly your scalp with the shampoo.” They said. “Just a gentle rub on the rest is all you need.” They said. “The conditioner is for your hair not your scalp.” They said. How to condition my hair and not get it on my scalp seemed impossible at the time. I got better at it though. Not wrapping my hair in a towel seemed to make the least sense to me. “Just blot out most of the water and cover your head in an old tshirt. Let it air dry, rubbing it will damage it and break it.” They said. I still don't understand how a towel can break hair but I have to admit that my hair never looked better, it’s also getting longer than ever. Thicker too if that's even possible.

Out of all that was going on, Ashley asks me to promise to take care of my hair? Like that was the most important thing going on...my hair? For maybe half a second I was asking myself if all she ever liked about me was my hair but that just fell apart. When she asked again however. “Take care of your hair, and yourself.” she said. Her voice. It was way more than my hair. I could hear her trying to hold back her crying. She was worried, probably as worried as I was. It wasn’t about the hair it was about me. I’ll take care of my hair, so that when we meet again she can know I’m still alright. She was worried about me. I nodded. Slowly at first, when she paused her brushing I nodded again more firmly. It was done, I promised and she knew it.

All this time I have been leaning on her. Not just letting her protect me, literally pushing her as a shield to save myself. I called her my shield. How selfish am I. Watching, letting her get in trouble...even hurt to save myself. Again and again I used her. How could she even look at me after how I’ve treated her. How could I not see it until now. Now, where there is no time, nothing I can possibly do to make it all up. To thank her and show her how sorry I am. I owe her everything. If not for her…

***

“You had the whole weekend.” Ashley said. “They might be here in as little as an hour. So now, now you guess it's a good time to pack?” I struck back with my best glare but she brushed it off effortlessly with a vicious eye roll.

It had only been maybe ten minutes since we started and I tossed the last pile of clothes I got from the laundry room onto the bed. With a gesture to the room and a point at the bed sort of saying in my own way. That’s it. Not a lot to pack why rush into it. My shoulders slumped. This was it. A box, a large duffle bag and...that was it.

Ashley pointedly and slowly picked up a shirt never breaking the icy glare she was burrowing into me. I pouted, I thought I did it well too but she was relentless. Begrudgingly I picked up a pair of pants and started folding them. She cleared her throat. My sigh eye roll was ignored. Flipping the pants over I held the legs and lined up the seams, like she showed me...many many times. I would leave the shirts to her. No matter how many times I could never do it like she did. She folded shirts like they were going on a store shelf. Why it mattered she never really explained. Apparently it was very important however because any time she found an article of clothing not folded to her standards she would either toss it at me or fix it. I think she realized long ago I was severely deficient in shirt folding, or I actually made her give up trying to teach me. If that were the case it must be the only thing I have ever seen her give up on.

Sitting in the living room together like members of a vigil of things lost. I wanted to stay with Ashley and at the same time I just wanted this part to be over. The Lopez’s kept trying to say how sorry they were and how this was for the best and things would be better. I thought they meant it but all I could think of while they were taking is how it’s likely their fault Ashley and I were going to be separated. They just remind me of that. I just wanted Mrs. Margaret our case worker to show up.

Turns out she never showed up. Our new case worker Kelly, not Mrs. Kelly just Kelly. Ashley was kindly scolded for making this much much younger Kelly a Mrs. She said Margaret got sick and likely wasn't coming back. Kelly might have expected us to feel bad about that but nothing good really happened when she was around. She took us to all the places we lived at and other than here, they were not good memories. Kelly talked to the Lopez’s for a bit. A driver packed our meager possessions, had our goodbyes and packed into our van we drove out of the Lopez’s life forever.

***

Kelly took us to a restaurant for an early lunch which was really nice. I think I’ve only been in a restaurant a couple times and it's just cool to eat something different from everyone else if I want too. Kelly sure liked to talk. She was really happy and tried to get us excited about our new homes. She inherited the caseload from Mrs. Margaret just days before.

“Trust me, I might not have the experience that Margaret had but I’ll make up for it with energy and positive thinking. Were going to find great homes for both of you, you’ll see.” Kelly said.

When Ashley asked if we could stay together we both almost lost our appetite. She did promise that she would make sure we had each other's addresses so we could wright and maybe even phone numbers if she could. That was something I guess.

“When we finish here we can get Ashley settled in at her new home. The Erickson family is waiting to meet you as we speak.” Kelly continued. “Joan and David Erickson have a nice home. They also have a son. He’s Cory and a little older than you, 13 if I remember right. They live a bit away from here so you will be going to a different school, but I’m sure you’ll make lots of new wonderful friends. They even live near a park and, they have a pool.” Kelly drug out the they have a pool part, hoping for a reaction that didn’t come. “Doesn’t that sound wonderful?”

She went on well past when everyone was finished eating. Talking about how great the Erickson’s everything was. When she finally seemed to wind down Ashley asked the question we were both thinking for the last 20 minutes. “I’m sorry Mrs. Kelly, I mean, Kelly. The Erickson’s sound like nice people and I’m really grateful for all the time it must have taken to find them for me. I just have to ask, Where is Avery going?”

For the first time Kelly’s face lost that permanent smile. “Well dear.” Kelly started. Then looked at me. She hid it well but I could see something there. It wasn’t excitement. “With Avery’s special needs it's taking a little longer.” Kelly paused then tried to recover. “I’m holding out on a wonderful family. It’s not the same as what we have for you Ashley, but it's just as good in it's own way. Their out of town though and we can't confirm things just yet.” Kelly looked genuinely sorry as she reached out to try and take Avery’s hand which quickly vanished. The sudden action looked like it hurt Kelly’s feelings. Maybe she really does care. “Avery will stay in the shelter for a day or two, just until we're sure we find the best possible place.”

“What special needs?” Ashley asked. She seemed really mad. It kind of startled me. “Avery is a great person. The only real friend I’ve ever had.”

“I know Avery is a good person. Everything I’ve read about her says that.” Kelly replied. With a sigh she continued. “Ashley, you know Avery doesn’t talk though.” Kelly continued in a lower voice.” There’s also the bed wetting, and the fear of being touched by people.”

Ashley winced a little and I sank a little lower into my chair, It’s really hard to slouch in a booster seat. Ashley reached over and took my other hand. I didn’t flinch at all. In fact I held hers too. Kelly noticed the contact and it seemed to trip her up a little. If Kelly only knew how badly we wanted to stay together maybe she could make it happen. It was too late for that now though. Ashley already has a place and that's that.

“I want to find the perfect loving family for Avery, just like I hope I’ve done with you.” Kelly said. “It’s all going to work out wonderfully, you’ll both see soon enough. Now let’s get those gloomy looks put away and go meet the Erickson’s. You're going to be so happy there I just know it.”

***

When we arrived at the Erickson’s home it was nice to look at. A large house with expensive cars and a perfect lawn. If everything Kelly said was true than living in a home like this might really be nice. If this had been the first time I moved to a new home I might have envied Ashley. It wasn’t my first time nor Ashley’s. Just because it looks nice it might not be. I really hope everything is as good as Kelly says. Ashley deserves it. It could be really great. I could see that wish in Ashley’s eyes. I had it too. It’s hard to see though. All those memories of all the other places. Sometimes there’s nothing left to do but hope.

“This is the place.” Kelly announced after a few moments. A bit late to set the big reveal but she had her perky on. “I’m sure you two want to say goodbye for now, so we can give you a couple minutes while we check in with the Erickson’s. John (our driver) will get Ashley’s things up to the house and you two can be alone.

We stood next to the van for a moment just looking into eachothers watery eyes. John tossed Ashley’s backpack over his shoulder then set the first box down on the ground. He was about to pick up the second box when Ashley stopped him. “Wait.” Ashley said. She went up to the back of the van and rummaged around a moment. Turned to John with a “Thank you I’m done”. John stacked the boxes and picking up everything Ashley had carried it up to the porch where Kelly was talking to I assume were the Erickson’s.

“I guess this is really it.” Ashley said. We both started to cry. It was really happening. We knew it would but now that it was here. “I’m going to miss you so much.” Then she turned and took a book out of the back of the van. It was the hair braiding book. “I want you to have this.”

I looked at her and managed a scowl through my tears. We went through this already. Ashley was keeping the book. It was decided. She liked it way more than me. I never would have done any of this hair stuff without her. She deserved the book. It belonged with her. No way I can take it.

“I know.” Ashley said. “It’s my book. So, I’m going to loan it to you. This way you can...This way you’ll know how to take care of your beautiful hair like you promised.” Ashley said in between sniffs and tears with a smile. “Your only borrowing it though. I expect it back next time we can see each other.” I tried to protest but she would have none of it. “That’s final Avery.” She tried to be firm but actually failed. “Please Avery I want you to have it, really.”

Taking the book in my hand I looked at the cover. It wasn’t anything special really. The back of some girls head with what I now know is a dutch braid. The same kind my hair was in now. The girl on the cover had left out the sides and added two pigtail braids just above her temples then had them join up in the back falling down on the main braid. Mary would call the side braids Lord Of The Rings style from some movie but we never seen it. Then I remembered my gift. I looked up from our book and cracked a small smile. Tucking the book under my arm I reached into my pocket and pulled out a plastic sandwich bag and handed it to Ashley.

She looked confused at first. She gives me our most favorite book, the thing that brought us so much closer together. The book that almost got us two more friends. While I give her a baggie that has… “Your hair” Ashley exclaimes. “Oh my god Avery you cut your hair for me?” It was just a thin braid. I did a small piece from the back late last night. “Avery, thank you so much. I love it.” She said now with different tears. “You better not go thinking it's alright to start lopping off chunks of your hair now though.” She said with a mock scold. We both kind of laughed but it’s hard with the huge lumps we had in our throats. “I’ll try and make a necklace or something.”

We just stood there for a long moment looking into eachothers eyes smiling. Then I stepped to her and hugged her. We held each other close just crying on eachother. We both hoped we would meet again. Maybe we really could wright. A big part of us thought it was a strong possibility that this was goodbye. Not just for now but forever.

“Where ever you go Avery.” Ashley said. “Find the good people. Find the good ones and trust them Avery. You can’t trust everyone, but you have to let the good ones in.”

I tilted my head up to her face still holding tight. A rasp escaped my throat. Then I coughed and cleared it. Ashley tried to pull back thinking I was choking or something but I tightened my grip. A moment later, I said slowly, just above a whisper. “I’ll always remember you Ashley.”

I haven’t been in a shelter for a really long time. I think I was five back then. I forgot how crowded they were. People everywhere. Last time I had to stay in the nursery with the really young kids and toddlers. Probably the only place where I was one of the biggest. This time they gave me a small room. There was a small window on the top of the ceiling which was on the ground outside as we were in the basement. It had a bar in front of said window on the back wall to hang clothes on even though I couldn’t reach it. A small garbage can, a dresser and a bed. Well it was sort of a bed. Just a metal frame with a bunch of wire and springs on the bottom and a thick mat on top. I heard some of the other's calling it a cot. It was way smaller than a normal bed and much lower to the ground. I don't need a lot of space so whatever.

I didn’t like it here at all but at the same time I really wasn’t looking forward to the “Best Place” Kelly was going to find for me. She just seemed too happy to be believed. I think she believes it though.

I explored a bit with the rest of my first day here. There was a television in a big room but there were so many people in there all the time. There was another television in the nursery playing cartoons for the little kids. It was kind of quite in there and not too many big people but the little kids kept trying to play with me. There were always people sleeping too. Once you get away from the television room the noise was replaced by people snoring.

When Ashley and I would go out shopping or somewhere with Mrs. Stella, Ashley showed me a trick. Because of my hair and the fact that I was wearing her old clothes, she would drag me into the girls bathroom with her. I felt really uncomfortable at first but there was no way I was going to go into the boys alone. I would rather have wet pants all day than that. The boys smelled a lot of the time. So did some of the girls but at least the girls always had more stalls and doors. I could never use the toilet in a place like that, was bad enough at the Lopez’s house. Even then only when I really had to. When in a store I would lock myself in a stall while Ashley would stand guard, then I could change my goodnight when I needed to. Stella was good about always keeping some in her purse.

This place didn’t have any men in it. There were a few older boys and they only had one smaller version of the girls bathroom. They seemed to hang out in there. They used it as some kind of clubhouse or something. When I tried to go in everyone just looked at me and then laughed. I quickly left. Nobody would really notice me when I went into the girls bathroom but it was always crowded. People putting on makeup or washing it off. There was always a line of people waiting to pee as it only had four stalls. There was another line of people waiting to shower.

I just sat in my room and read my books again. The braid book was on top but I couldn't look at it, just made me miss Ashley more. Kelly came by when it was time to eat. She showed me how to get the food and even sat with me while I ate. She said she was sure I would only be here a couple days and to “Hang Tough” whatever that meant. She told me when breakfast, lunch and dinner were and that if she could she would sit with me then too. She kept asking me questions like if I needed anything and if anyone was bothering me. At least she didn’t ask me if I liked it here. When it was getting late she brought me an extra blanket which was nice. The place was always just a little cold.

I woke up sometime in the night. I needed to poop. I had to poop all day but there were always so many people in the bathroom and it just felt too dirty. My germs are bad enough I don’t want to sit on a toilet especially in a place like that. It must have been really late because my goodnight was wet but I was still really tired. Goodnights usually didn’t hold too much. If I wet more than a couple times while I slept they would leak but I got use to washing my sheets at the Lopez house. This one was mostly used and I really needed to poop. Hopefully this late nobody would be in the bathroom. I put my clothes back on as I usually just slept in the goodnight and lurked toward the bathroom. I got to the men's room and heard people laughing in there so I just walked past to the girls. It was less packed now, but there were still way too many people in here to do anything.

Back in my room and with my clothes off I still really needed to go. I thought about just using the garbage can for a minute. Instead I just pulled down the goodnight a little so my poo wouldn’t squish all over my butt. I got on my knees and bent back holding onto the bar at the end of the bed so I didn’t fall back into my poo, that would have been grose. It was not a very pleasant experience but definitely better than using those bathrooms. Honestly I think I’d rather go in my pants fully dressed than try to sit on a toilet in some public bathroom. Other people's germs on top of the fact that they were way too tall and it makes me feel like I’ll fall in. I can’t reach the floor and there's nothing to hold onto that I really wanted to touch. I slowly took it off when I was done so it didn’t spill onto the floor and rolled it up as well as I could. I pulled out a used one from my trash can and tore it open so I could use the dry back part to clean myself. I buried the heavy one near the bottom hoping it wouldn't smell too bad. Tomorrow I would need to find out where I could throw these away.

With that as done as I could do, I went to my bag and put on the last of my goodnights. I forgot I only had one left. It was half full when we left the Lopez house. I didn’t want to even use this pack because it was one of the ones for girls they would buy when the boys were sold out. These were purple with the Little Mermaid on them and that yellow fish. Half a bag would have lasted longer but I couldn’t pee here like I did when at the Lopez house. At least when I remembered I needed to pee. Sometimes I would just start to go before I realized it. Usually when I was reading and just kept putting off stopping to go to the bathroom. Even then half the time I noticed I would just shrug it off and keep going anyway. Using a bathroom even a clean one in a house just seems like a big waste of time. Nothing to do about it now. I’m still tired anyway. Maybe Kelly can get me some more tomorrow I thought as I went back to sleep.

“Sweetheart, it's time to get up honey.” I heard from Kelly.

It felt like I just drifted off again why was she waking me up already. As my eyes cracked open however there was light coming in from the window. Wow I must have slept like a log. Like every morning the first thing I did was check my goodnight. I had wet again some, not too bad.

“What is that smell?” Kelly asked as she stepped into the room.

Then I remembered all of what happened last night and now I could smell it too. The room smelled like my poo.

Kelly found the garbage can and as she picked it up she pulled her head back. “Oh honey, I’m sorry I didn’t know it was like this.”

Kelly turned to me holding the garbage. I looked down to see the mermaid looking up at me, grabbing a blanket I covered myself. The empty bag from the goodnights was still in the middle of the floor. I leaned over picking it up. Putting my other hand in it and moving it around I looked up at Kelly trying to let her know I needed more.

“Did you run out Avery?” Kelly asked and I nodded. “I’ll see what I can find.” Kelly said taking the empty bag from me and adding it to the garbage as she looked at it. “We need something more appropriate for you anyway it seems.” She said looking at the mermaid on the bag. “I’ll take care of this and get you more, supplies.” Kelly said as she glanced at the smelly trash. “I should be back in a couple minutes if you need to wait for more, breakfast is in a little over an hour, plenty of time.” Then she turned and closed my door softly.

Great, they had more and it sounded like she was going to bring the ones for boys too. I thought as I standed to get my clothes ready. Looking down I smirked and let myself pee. “Goodbye Princess” I thought to myself as the half fish got more wet. Now I really needed to change so I just grabbed a book and stood for a bit to let everything soak in so it didn't squish out. Then sat on my bed to read and pass the time.

A knock knock to my door followed by a pause. It opened and Kelly in full perky mode came smiling in. She had my empty garbage can in one hand and another white can that looked like one of those metal trash cans people use for the garbage man to pick up. This one was smaller and made of plastic It already had a bag in it I could see it around the lid. She replaced the now empty regular can on one side of the dresser and put the new white can with a lid on it on the other side.

“Everything you need is inside here. It was the only way I could carry it all. I’m not sure where you want everything so I’ll just leave it for you. They should be better for you. I’m sure you know what you were using was not exactly made for you.”

I nodded in agreement and might have even half smiled. I hate it when people talk about my wetting problems but this mermaid had to go. Boys were not supposed to wear purple princess or mermaid anything. I looked at the little flower pattern on the back pocket of the skinny jeans I took out for the day and almost let out a sigh. The shirt was a plane purple long sleeve t shirt, but this was a dark purple not a girl purple. Well not pink anyway. I knew I was reaching but at least nobody picked on me for being a boy wearing girls clothes. Kelly was still standing there. I was waiting for her to leave but she was just standing there.

“Um, do you need help...getting...into...everything?” Kelly asked hesitantly. I frantically shook my head no with wide eyes. “Alright then, I’ll be back soon for breakfast.” Kelly quickly replied. Her perky coming back from fading to full as she finished the sentence.

With a shrug I got up to unpack the white can. The first thing on top was 2 packages of “Fresh Scent” baby wipes as well as a large bottle of baby powder with lavender scent. Confused I tossed the powder onto the bed, curious as to what exactly fresh scent was I set those on the bed too. In the bottom were 2 packages but they weren't goodnights...Colored dark red and white it said Tranquility ATN XS on the top.

This was totally not what I expected, or wanted for that matter. Taking a package out and looking at it. All through the night disposable briefs premium protection. The package said. It had a little symbol in the corner with two and a half cups in it and said 18.5 oz. How much was 18.5 oz. I opened the package and took one out. This was not a bedwetting pull up like I was use too. This was a diaper like a baby would wear but bigger, and way thicker and with 4 tapes. I looked down at the mermaid who was swimming, I think her smile was bigger now. Then as if clinging for hope I looked back into the can as if what I wanted would somehow appear. It didn't, There was a couple pieces of paper printed from a computer. Wiki How, it was instructions on how to put these on standing and laying down. Did Kelly think I poop myself all the time?

I just sat on the bed for a minute or two. I couldn’t keep the mermaid on it was full. I thought about simply refusing to wear these but then I had a thought of Kelly and some big guy putting it on me anyway. With a sigh I turned to the instructions. Standing seemed a little difficult but the laying down seemed easy enough. “It can't be that bad.” That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

Decision made, I stood and tossed the mermaid into the pail. At least these were white on the outside. The inside was peach colored. The outside was white with a cloth like cover. There was plastic under it I could hear it as I opened the diaper...my diaper. I used the baby wipes to clean myself from last night. Then because there was no way I was going to shower I decided to improvise.

Cleaner and feeling a little better I went back to the task I was trying to forget I needed to do. I opened the powder but was squeezing too hard and a bunch of it sprayed up covering my chest and a little of the floor. Coughing slightly from the dust I tried to brush it off but being a little damp from the wipes it didn't work. Best I could come up with was just to rub it around until I couldn’t see it.
The directions seemed overly complicated. The concept seemed simple enough. I put a light coating of powder onto the inside of the diaper. The directions said to powder the person I didn’t see a difference. The instructions said a lot about rashes and I really didn't want to know what that would be like. It also said to not use a lot of powder because it can cause leaks. Which also didn’t make sense. I think I got it right but I guess I’ll find out.

I layed down on top of the diaper and spread my legs wide. Pulling the front up I adjusted myself a bit till the front and back were about the same height. I learned a long time ago to point my “bits” down unless I wanted wet pants. With that done and remembering there was something tricky about the tabs I double checked the instructions. Smoothing out the front and bringing up one side fastening first one lower tape tilting it slightly up. Then smooth the other side and repeat. Making sure the under flap part of the sides stayed smooth I fastened the top tab slightly tilted down on both sides. The pictures made it pretty easy for the most part. Other than the part where now I’m wearing a giant baby diaper and smell like lavender and “fresh” from the powder and wipes.

It’s definitely thicker than the goodnights. More than twice as thick if I had to guess. It felt really thick when I stood up. I moved around a bit and kind of squatted a couple times to try and get it to sit right. I must have looked like a fool had anyone been watching. It crinkled a lot more than the goodnights even with the cloth outer cover.

When I got my pants on the noise was almost completely gone. Luckily my pants were not tight to begin with and they were stretchy jeans. It's hard to see but it didn't look totally obvious to me I was wearing a baby diaper. At least I hope so. The big problem was these diapers come up a lot higher than my goodnights. There was more than two or three inches over the top of the jeans. Now I know why they call them low rise jeans… At least the shirt goes down to just above the top of the back pockets so unless I’m moving in some really odd way nobody should be able to tell...That's what i tell myself anyway. I don't know what I’ll do if people just start laughing at me. Honestly it does feel kind of nice. Secure and safe feeling. I'll never admit that to anyone but it's a little true. Like the goodnights only more so.

Another knock came to my door a few minutes later. I just finished braiding my hair, dutch braid. The door just cracked a little and Kelly’s face peeked in. I think she really didn’t want any part of my diapers. The idea of me asking her for help just so she would be as uncomfortable as me passed through my mind but then I realized she would need to touch me to make that happen and it vanished.

Her face went from trepidation to perky as the door went from a crack to full open when she realized that I did indeed have clothes on. I never put the stuff away either so there was the opened package of diapers on my bed with the wipes and powder laying out. I kicked most of the powder on the floor around so you couldn’t see it anymore but the room still said that a diaper change just happened. If it embarasses you or hurts you and you can’t stop it, own it. Learned that a long time ago. So I just made eye contact and gave a weak smile.

“Hi Avery.” Kelly said as she came into the room. She took in the scene and spotting everything all over the bed quietly closed the door. “Do they fit, I noticed they were extra small, their not too tight are they baby...um, honey?”

She actually blushed a little. Maybe I did too because I just looked at the floor and shook my head no. Heck no they weren't too tight they were huge. She shook off her whatever that was then firming herself, perk back on and took a step toward me raising her hands as if to check. I quickly took a step back and she froze. She seems genuine but we just don't really know how to deal with each other.

“They just started serving breakfast, are you all set then?” Kelly said as she looked at my bed and all the stuff again.

I quickly grabbed the diapers and set them on the floor next to the diaper pail. Then I stacked the wipes and powder onto the unopened pack of diapers. Pulled my blankets up a bit so it looked neater and set the book I was reading onto the dresser next to my hair stuff. Less than a minute and the room was presentable. Not Ashley presentable, but not like it was.

She noticed the brush and all the hair ties. Then looked at me and might have just realized my braid from yesterday was replaced with a clean neat well done braid. “Did you braid your own hair like that Avery?” Kelly asked.

I smiles for real this time and nodded yes. Her eyebrows went up and she looked genuinely impressed.

“Wow Avery that's really good. I can't possibly do that. Even with an hour and a mirror, I don't even think I could do it to another person to be honest. Your very good, you should be proud.” Kelly said. She really meant it and it did make me feel good even if she did pile it on a bit thick. It can't be that hard it was in a book for beginners after all.

After breakfast Kelly said she wanted to show me something. As we were walking there she said “You smell really nice Avery, very pretty.” I just smiled.

She was trying to be nice but I really wasn't trying to smell pretty. I suppose it’s better than stinking because I haven't showered today. There was another door on the far side of the television room. I never noticed it because there were so many people in that room all the time I didn’t stick around long enough to look. It was a children's library. My eyes went wide. It wasn’t huge like the one at school. There were a lot of books for me to read though. There was even a couch and a couple tables. The best part though. Nobody was in here.

“They lock the door at 7pm.” Kelly said. “Your not suppose to take books out.” Kelly said. “If you don't tell anyone though I don't think anyone would notice if you took one back to your room at night. As long as it came back in the morning” Smiling Kelly actually winked at me.

I was already smiling and the wink almost made me snort. Maybe this place wouldn’t be that bad after all. I started looking at all the books and quickly found the section with books I could most likely read. I barely noticed when Kelly said she would be back for lunch in a few hours. A few hours later she must have said my name more than once when she tried to get my attention to go to lunch. I frowned a little when she made me leave the book until after. When we finished eating she walked with me back to the library. I wish she would have left me alone to go because I really wanted to run.

After dinner I was really trying to hurry. Dinner was at six and Kelly said the library got locked at seven which meant now I only had like half an hour to get there and find a book for the night. I can’t wait for her slow walk so I pulled ahead of her maybe five feet. I wasn’t running, I swear. I heard Kelly’s heels click faster behind me.

“Avery” She said. She had to know why I was in a hurry. Click click click went her heels. “Avery, please stop dear.”

Ugh what now. Why was she trying to keep me away. She came up to me and almost leaned in as if to whisper me a secret. She caught herself though and looked around the mostly empty hallway. Most of the people were still eating or in one of the public rooms.

With her hand next to her mouth as if whispering in my ear but from three feet away Kelly said. “Your um, your leaking.”

My eyes went huge. With all the new books I completely forgot about not just peeing but my diaper all together. I quickly reached a hand back in what I hoped was a casual gesture. Sure enough I was wet. I can't walk around like this. There might still be time. Getting my bearings my room was just a little back the way we came and down the other hall. I need to hurry. I darted off toward my room. I would argue I was not running just walking really fast, but I don’t think I would win that argument.

Other than the needing to completely take off my pants. Putting on a new one of these diapers didn’t take all that much longer. Rip the old one off and roll it up. Open the new, bit of powder then lay down and center and then fasten. That easy. The crazy part was when I realised just how heavy the now soaked diaper was. I had it on since morning and used it all day as it was intended. Almost twelve hours. If I had my normal goodnights I would have used like 5 or so at least. I looked at the back of my pants. They were a little wet in two crest shapes under the butt. Anyone that has ever been around babies knows the only thing that makes marks like that is a leaking diaper. I set them onto the bed and grabbed the pair I had on yesterday. They were mostly the same, sans butt flowers in lue of wavy lines and swirls. Thankfully when Ashley realised that I would likely be getting her old clothes she stopped buying the really girly stuff with sparkles and the like, well mostly. She did get the “I just had to” ones but nobody expected me to take them and those were few.

I still had just over fifteen minutes before the door locked. When I went into the hallway I was surprised to see Kelly there. She wanted to come up to me but kept her distance and just asked “Are you alright, is everything okay?” I just nodded and began power walking to the books. We made it. I spent maybe five minutes picking out a book for the night and with pleading eyes showed Kelly that the book I was reading was almost done and just had to take both. She finally agreed but made me nod a promise that every book that comes out of her makes it back here.

The next four days flew by. Kelly and I fell into a rhythm. She would wake me up, mostly because I stayed up too late reading. Fresh diaper. We did breakfast. Then after lunch I would change my diaper again and one more time before bed. A couple days Kelly would tell me she had to skip lunch or dinner to help other kids which was fine. She really did care it wasn’t just an act I was pretty sure of that now.

I figured out that if I needed to poo I would hold it until I was about to change anyway. That way there was no real mess and I never needed to go into those bathrooms. I did really need a shower though. My hair was dirty and oily and the baby wipe cleaning only went so far. I would need to figure out something soon. I was breaking my promise to Ashley to take care of my hair already. That can not happen.

Kelly was extra perky this morning for breakfast. I almost think she’s keeping a secret or something. Super perky Kelly who couldn’t even stop smiling to chew her food told me she might miss lunch because she had an important phone call. I nodded, it was kind of good because this new level of perky was starting to creep me out a little. I still liked her. Well, I decided I liked her a day or two ago. Until she crossed some line somewhere she keeps that status. Not many make it there. Had you asked me even two weeks ago if being too perky would cross that line I likely would have snorted with laughter. Now however I’m wondering if it is in fact possible to be just too perky.

This place has its downside no doubt. All the people, no place to take a private shower to name a few. However it has many books I have not yet read. Until the day comes in which I know them all, I think I just might be able to like it here. The library is quiet and not only does nobody bother me but nobody even comes in here. Other than the random person coming in just to see what’s in here only one other person even bothered to look at all the wonderful books. Even then they only stayed for less than a half hour. The shower thing though. Kelly even stopped saying nice things about my hair in the mornings the last two days. Today I even used a braid she never seen me do but nothing. I really need a shower.

When Kelly came in more than half an hour before lunch I raised an eyebrow. “I know it's not lunch time yet dear.” Kelly said and it seems her prefered name for me is either dear or sweetheart. I thought Avery was easy enough but I suppose it's just not perky enough. “I'm sorry sweetheart but there's something I would like to show you before lunch. It might be something you would like to do after you eat perhaps.”

With a sigh I nodded as I placed my book on the table to keep my place. If I thought I could protest and win I would have. Sadly the most likely outcome would be wasting time I could have spent reading, trying to object just to be forced to see what ever amazing thing she decided was better for me to look at than my book. Following her down the hall I wasn’t even paying attention.

The only thing I want to do after lunch is read more. Was this new super perky Kelly trying to tell me I read too much? I was waiting for the day she told me I needed to do more than just sit around all day reading. Why go do silly things when a story can take you to amazing places and adventures. I’ve heard it before from teachers who would try to stop me from reading thru recess. Even yesterday I spent at least twenty minutes on one of the swings outside when I knew she would see me. The book was just getting to the good part. You know the big finish, the top of the arch where all the problems get fixed in one gigantic move. The stuff that leaves you satisfied as you read the last bit that tells you “Yes” all the great stuff that was just a possibility is now coming to pass. Now everything is better. Kelly is taking that from …. Why are we in the nursery?

At the back of the nursery was a wider part of the room. “Hi Patty” Kelly says to the attendant. I never bothered coming back here because it's where the really little kids play. When we get to the back she turns and there is a door. Okay not exactly a big reveal but this door had a sign on it. The one indicating a family restroom. I always keep my eyes open for these. Somehow I missed this. I also missed the library too. How many critical places does this place have that I don't know about.

Family restrooms are the best. They always have locks on the doors and are just for one, well one family. She opened it up and gestured for me to go inside which I did. Like most it had a baby changing station. This one also had a very large sink next to a normal sink. A flotation thing hung on the wall and my guess is the big sink is so people can give their babies a bath. There was a small footstool so little kids could wash their hands by themselves. The best part, the most amazing part. In the back was a huge shower. Yes a shower with a curtain and even a bench to sit down and just enjoy the wonderfulness of the shower. The shower in a big room with a lock on the door.

Alright super perky Kelly. You win, not only are you staying on the like list but I think you just got a lot more points too. ...Points for the imaginary like system I'm kind of making up on the spot. Anyway, the important thing is this awesome place is here and, I can use it? I turn to Kelly and close my mouth. How long has that been open…

Kelly’s permagrin for the day upgraded itself a couple clicks. “I was talking to Patty a little bit ago.” Kelly started speaking, much slower than normal. Was she teasing me? This infernal super perky Kelly is frustrating.

“It turns out that most of the day.” She stopped for too long a moment. She has to know that's not even a complete sentence. “Nobody really uses this bathroom.” Another pause, she was teasing me.

I shot a scowl. Oh my god did she just eye roll me?

“I may have mentioned that a certain friend of mine enjoys their space.” She paused again but I gave my best puppy dog eyes. That always worked on everyone, except maybe Ashley.

She gave a sigh, score, I won. “Patty says you can use this bathroom any day after lunch for as long as you want, within reason. I think if you stayed in here for like two hours someone would find the keys. A long private shower is completely fine. Patty will leave a note too so no matter who is on duty they will all know that you're completely free to shower here.” Kelly said somehow not only holding her smile, it got bigger. Maybe she’s not human. “Oh and you might want these.” She finished taking four small bottles out of her pockets. Shampoo and conditioner. Two travel size bottles of each.

She held them out to me. She could have held them out a little farther and as excited as I was I still paused for half a second. I reached out and took them all. I hugged them close to my chest and gave her the warmest heartfelt smile I could. I wasn’t ready to hug her but I could hug the shampoo and metaphorically hug her. How does her smile keep getting bigger. Are her eyes watering?

“Just give the empty bottles back to me. I bought them from home so don't worry, I have more. With all your hair I’m not sure one bottle would be enough.” Kelly said. “I'll bring two more of each tomorrow and we can swap them out until we find a better solution if we need to.”

***

“Emily Nelson? Hello this is Kelly calling form the foster system. We played a bit of phone tag the last couple days. Did I get the time right, is this a good time?”

“Hello Kelly, Yes this is Emily.” Emily Nelson said as she sat down in her office at work. “Sorry it's taken so long to actually talk to you. We were out of town. We had a death in the family out of state.”

“Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope that although the trip could have been on better circumstance everything went as planned. I’m truly sorry for your loss.” Kelly replied in a consoling voice.

“Thank you Kelly.” Emily responded somberly. “It was expected. My husbands mothers sister. She was sick for a while now as sad as it is to say it’s likely for the best. She was suffering.” In a slightly more upbeat tone and offering Kelly a courteous change of topic said. “Did we report our time out of state wrong? I thought we notified everyone properly.”

“Oh yes, you did everything correctly. I also need to apologise for calling a little before your stated return date.” Kelly said embracing the topic shift. “As you know things have a way of just happening here and I may have been a little forward in contacting you like I did. I hope you can forgive my zeal.”

“I understand, so I'm assuming this is regarding another child then?” Emily asked.

“Yes it is.” Kelly started, trying to not get too excited just yet. She was new to all of this and Avery would be her first placement of a child with special needs. On top of that she was growing quite fond of Avery these last couple days. Staying late to eat with little Avery was a bit taxing but she was such a good kid and as hard as her young life has been so far Kelly really didn’t want her to feel abandoned.

“We have a wonderful little girl here, Avery.” Kelly continued. “She has had a hard time of things which has left their mark on the child, but she is strong and has a good heart.” Kelly knew it was best to get the basics out of the way quickly so as to not keep tacking things on once she paused for Emily to think on the matter. Before Mrs. Margaret retired for medical reasons Kelly was in training as an assistant. She knew her job just not a lot of practice taking the lead.

Continuing Kelly said. “Avery will be nine this december and will be starting second grade. Her grades are at or above average. She loves reading and is also incredibly skilled at braiding her own hair. Which is remarkably long and beautiful I might add. I don't have her old file here, Mrs. Margaret had an...unusual filing system lets say. Also a lot of her files never seemed to make the transfer to electronic. I do have her complete medical file and while she does qualify for special needs I feel confident in saying they are not overly burdening. That being said they do warrant some thought and consideration.”

“She has not been known to talk to anyone since shortly after entering the foster system. I can’t say for certain but I think she was around four by the date of the physical. She overcomes most of this with a very vivid grasp of expression and gesturing. Her medical file indicates she likely is capable of talking but chooses not to. She has had some rather poor living conditions in the past I'm sorry to say. Doctors suspect it is due to trauma and have labeled it Selective Mutism. Some notes here about Avery being observed sounding out words while reading to herself when she didn’t know she was being seen.”

“She also has a very sensitive personal space. Her medical file says she doesn't like to be touched by anyone. However I have first hand experience seeing Avery not just holding hands with a close friend from her last home but also a very long personal hug as they had their goodbye. So while I am not an authority on her medical condition I personally believe her shyness is a lack of trust and extreme difficulty in establishing that trust.”

“Also she has a problem with incontinence. The medical file is incomplete but does not list a physical cause for the problem. However in my observations she does not seem to be completely aware of it happening. Sadly it does seem to be dual incontinence. She does take care of those matters herself. Obviously it is something a parent needs to be aware of but fortunately she does not need nor want help in cleaning or changing her garments. Most of the medical file talks of nocturnal enuresis but I also have first hand experience that it is both a daytime issue and a duel one as well.”

“As far as medical that covers most of it. She has also been diagnosed with Central Precocious Puberty (CPP). Basically that means her body started puberty at a very early age. Fortunately the impact of this on a parent is rather minor. The treatment plan is an injection which she already received that lasts for a month that will delay puberty. She is due for a shot at a clinic in a few days. If there have been no signs of side effects the next injection will last 3 months. At that time they can either continue with the 3 month injections or give her an implant that lasts a year. This would continue until Avery reaches a normal age to begin puberty. Likely 11 or 12 giving her body as much time to grow beforehand as possible without leaving her feeling underdeveloped around the other children. This should be easily arranged at any clinic convenient to you if you make an appointment in advance.”

“Avery is exceptionally small for an eight year old. She stands a little under four feet and just over forty pounds. Likely due to poor diet, CPP, and genetics. Little is documented about her parents but it seems they migrated from Indonesia. Which has a low average height to begin with. She has fairly dark skin and slight asian features. Black hair and black eyes which are full of life, and a smile that can melt rock if you can pry it out of her.”

“Avery has been in this shelter with me for almost a week now. I know that is not a lot of time to really get to know a child when I also have other duties. I have made an effort to have meals with her and let her know she is not alone. She spends most of her time in the library reading. I’ve seen her outside on the swings though. I think most of her self isolation is because of all the strange people here. The report from her previous home which she had to leave due to financial reasons said Avery and another girl at the home were friends with the mother’s nieces.

She was in another long term home before that ended rather badly. As well as some less stellar short term homes. Most of it looks like pier abuse and parental neglect issues. She does have walls around her she uses to protect herself. However I have looked into her eyes and seen her smile. She at no point has done anything close to violent or disruptive. She is cooperative and gentle. I admit I am bias when I say this but I feel she dreams of being loved but is terrified of being hurt again.”

They went on for a little while longer. Emily asked questions and Kelly did her best to answer them. Emily promised to talk things over with her husband and if he agreed they would talk to their children. Kelly was to call again late saturday to see if they could move forward. Two days, two more days and hopefully Avery has a new loving home.

***

Avery found herself walking around outside. He wanted his hair to dry more before fixing it and getting back to the books. Ashley and the girls told him he couldn’t use a towel to dry it however so he figured a bit of sun and breeze would help. The shower was amazing. He likely could have spent half the day in there but he didn't want to take too long and ruin it. He couldn’t risk that bathroom being locked. The shampoo and conditioner Kelly had given him was nice stuff. His hair felt soft and alive again. The flowery scent seemed a little strong but hopefully the outside would let that fade as well.

Now that the shower thing seemed to be settled he was almost starting to like it here. There were lots of people. He had his own room and the library he could hide in though. So far nobody really bothered him except that time in the boys bathroom. He never needed to go back in there and those boys rarely seemed to leave it. How could they live in a bathroom, that's just gross.

I thought about going on the swings but without my hair tied back or braided it would get caught in the chain a lot and that hurts. I was standing off the path just enjoying the breeze that came now and then. There were three kids over by the seesaw. It looked like one was an older boy I hadn’t seen before. He was moving one of the seesaw so it overbalanced on one side. Then he held it sitting on one end and a little boy maybe four or five tried climbing onto the other end. I was startled at first, the big kid would fling the boy over the fence. I could almost hear what they were saying and as I walked closer it sounded like they were brothers. When the little kid was hanging on tight the bigger kid mostly hopped slowly. The little boy was laughing and giggling like he had just discovered the most fun thing in the world. I had to smile a little. I wish I had a family too sometimes, a real family.

I guess I was a little lost in my head because I didn’t see the third kid coming up to me until she was a couple feet away. She stopped when I turned to her with a small startled twitch. The girl looked a little like Sofi. About the same size and her skin was a little lighter but with the dark brown hair Sofi had before she colored it like mine. This girl had bangs over her eyes and two pigtails on the sides of her head. She was wearing a simple little blue dress with white tights and sneakers.

“Can you help me?” The little girl asked. I looked around quickly almost hoping someone else had snuck up on me. No, the girl was talking to me. What can I help her with? She noticed my confusion and clarified. “It takes two, and were almost the same size.” She said as she pointed to the seesaw area. The two boys were still bouncing and the little one was having the time of his life. The older boy was being careful but taking bigger hopps and dropping lower so that the little boy went higher. I could see him making sure to not go too fast though.

I have never actually been on one of those things before, just seen them a few times. Looking again at the girl and back to the two boys. The girl used puppy eyes on me. Ugh, I sent a pout her way.

“Please.”

That's all she said and her look moved into a puppy pout. It was quite impressive really. I looked back at the two boys. It didn't look all that bad really. Even if they tried they couldn't go too high. Not as high as the swings and I liked swings. The girl would be at the other end of the thing too. I looked around again and nobody was here really. There was a girl on the swings and another boy trying to use the Merry-Go-Round thing by himself. The girl’s look was unyielding. With a sigh, I nodded slightly. I think I could try this, I was sure I could run away if I needed too. Why was I doing this? As we got closer that question kept playing in my head. Why why why… It did look like it might be a little fun.

The girl replaced her puppy eyes with a huge grin as she got on one side and held the board parallel for me to get on the other end. There was no malice in that smile either, I’ve seen enough of those to tell. Just the expectation of something fun.

I got near my end trying to see if there was some trick to how this worked. Looking at how the girl was sitting there didn't seem to be one though. I slowly got on my end and grabbed the bar. I looked up uncertainly at the girl on the other end.

“Ready” She asked still with that smile. I don't know if I'm ready, why am I doing this. How do I know if I'm ready I thought. I may have twitched a nod I'm not really sure. She gave a small drop in her legs and as I rose up in the air my heart leapt into my throat. I clamped onto the bar with a death grip I thought might bend the steel.

“Sorry.” The girl said. “We can go slow.” She started hopping her feet just a little and I bobbed down a bit. “Hop your feet like me.” I did so just a little. We were doing it. If just a little.

The two boys were going way higher and faster than we were but I was still white knuckling the bar. This was scary. I looked at the girl and her small smile. She was trying to let me get use to it. She looked a lot more like Sofi with that smile. I remembered the first time Sofi braided my hair and I looked across to Ashley. I took a deep breath, and another. Just like Ashley taught me. She is still helping me. I miss her so much.

As I calmed down a bit it started to actually be as fun as it looked. Soon we were gently hopping back and forth. Not too high because we quickly learned that if the board hits the ground it kinda hurts. We found our rhythm though and soon both of us were smiling. The wind was blowing at my face and I could feel my hair fluttering behind me. I closed my eyes like I did when someone was brushing my hair and it felt really nice. I was just enjoying it for a bit. This might be the most fun I’ve had here. I wonder if maybe this girl is stuck here like I am and maybe we can do this again.

When I opened my eyes super perky Kelly was standing off to the side behind the girl. Her smile as big as ever. She had her phone out, was she taking pictures? For a moment I wanted to stop. It wasn’t good for parent people to see you having too much fun or they would use it against you. The girl noticed my frown and looked back to see Kelly then she giggled at me. I tried to scowl but her laughter was infectious and my smile betrayed me.

“It looks really cool with your hair blowing like that, I wish my hair would get that long.” The little girl said. I just smiled back at her. “Your quiet aren't you.” She asked. When a moment passed and I didn’t answer she just added “That's okay, you don't need to talk for us to be friends.”

The two boys were off their seesaw now and the older one said “Come on Mandy, it's been a while and we should find mom.”

They started walking off Mandy holding what I think was her big brothers hand. She turned to me before they got too far away. “Bye cool hair girl, I hope we can play more later.”

So she thought I was a girl too. I really need some boy clothes. Maybe that's why the boys laughed when I went in that bathroom and the girls didn’t say anything when I went in there. Everyone just thinks I’m a girl because of the clothes. I even heard Kelly use she when she introduced me to some of the staff. Ashley said it's best to just go with it. She says girls are better anyway and I should be happy. I’m not sure about any of that but it's really not worth making a big deal of anyway. Besides Kelly said I would only be here a couple days. It has been almost a week though.

At the house before the Lopez house I at least had boy clothes for school, but the public school near the Lopez house made us use uniforms. Ashley said there was no point in taking them since we were not going back to that school anyway. I almost missed the uniform honestly. They were boy clothes, and I was getting tired of reusing the three skinny jeans I have and two of the five shirts have spots on them I couldn't get out. My shoes were starting to fall apart too. Maybe Kelly would help me find better ones soon. I could show her how bad they were and…

“Well sweetheart you sure looked like you were having fun” Kelly smiled the words out somehow as she walked up to me. She turned her phone to show me the picture. “Take a look, swipe right and you can see them all.” she added as she handed the phone towards me. There I was on the screen. Swiping back and forth she had me in a couple from the side and the front. Sitting upright with a smile much bigger than I remember having on my face. Eyes closed shoulders back like a warrior from some of my books on his noble steed.

“There's even a video” Kelly happly added as she turned her phone sideways and played a short clip of mostly the same thing as my pictures.

This showed my hair moving in all its glory and she even panned it starting from the side moving to the front. I decided she had spent way too much time on this. I wasn’t sure if I liked her taking my picture but it's not like it hurt or anything. It was sort of like proof I could have fun and it made me feel vulnerable somehow. I know that makes no sense but it's how a part of me felt.

“Are you ready to come in?” Kelly asked. Taking my shrug as affirmation we started walking into the center.

We started walking toward my room. Now that my hair was mostly dry I needed to brush it out and fix it so it didn't blow around so much. When we walked in the shampoo bottles were on the dresser and I pointed to them. She picked them up and put them in her purse.

“I’ll have to miss dinner tonight.” Kelly said. I nodded and started tossing my hair stuff onto the bed. “Is there anything you need? I’ll have to leave in a few minutes.”

I thought about asking her for shoes but she didn’t seem to have a lot of time. I thought of asking her for more clothes too. Was I trying to stop her from leaving? I picked up the empty bag of diapers from the garbage and showed it to Kelly. I had just over half another pack left but it's all I could think of that likely wouldn't take a lot of time. They only came in bags of ten so half a pack really wasn’t a lot anyway.

“Alright.” Kelly said with a nod.

As she started to walk to the door for some reason I took a step toward her. When she told me to come with her I just followed along. Why did I want her to stay so much. I guess this place even with all the people is the most I’ve been alone in a long time. Nobody comes to my room but Kelly and nobody goes to the library either. I either eat alone or with Kelly. As much as I don't like being around people maybe I miss not liking them? That makes no sense. Was I lonely? Was that why I went outside and started watching the people? No, it was just so my hair could dry that's it.

Looking around Kelly was leading me to the offices and near the back was a large supply room. Only people that worked here were allowed in this part of the center. Kelly needed a key to open the door. “Wait here sweety.” Kelly said and I stood off to the side as she went into the room. She came back less than a moment later with a pack of my diapers tucked under one arm and relocked the door.

Why did I want to come here for this. Now I have to walk all the way back to my room with Kelly displaying my diapers to everyone in the center. Once the door was locked she just grabbed a loose part of the plastic and held it in her hand. I know she wasn’t trying to but to me it looked like she was practically putting them on display for everyone to see. Waving them around as if to say “Here are the giant baby diapers Avery needs”. I wanted to either run ahead or fall behind. I fear that if I were to do either however it would just draw more attention as she tried to stop me or at least figure out where I was going. My heartbeat sped up and my eyes darted around. Waiting to see people snickering or pointing. People noticed.

We had to pass through the television room and I even seen that Mandy girl with her brothers and what must be her mother. She bounced a little on the couch when she noticed me. She didn’t laugh like I feared. She just smiled and waved. All I could do was give a nervous smile and wave back. Really, nobody that looked at us seemed to care what Kelly was holding. Maybe they just thought Kelly was taking them to someone else. After all Kelly has lots of people to take care of. People noticed, but nobody cared.

We got back to my room and I quickly made my diapers vanish onto the far side of the dresser. Kelly said goodnight and I began undoing the wind tangles from my hair. When I finished I could go to the library and read some more before dinner. On the other hand maybe I could go find that Mandy girl. She seemed safe.

I did go back to the library but I just couldn’t get into the book I was trying to read. After maybe a half hour I gave up. I ended up walking around outside again. I think I was hoping to find Mandy and go on the seesaw again. I did find her but she was on the big climbing thing. It was a huge wooden thing. It had a couple slides and polls. Even had monkey bars and ropes to get to other areas. It was a good size and seemed like it might be fun but this is where all the kids seemed to hang out and there were just way too many people on it.

Mandy was there and her big brother. I didn’t see the little boy though. They seemed to be playing a kind of tag with the other kids. Everyone was running around yelling. Doing really crazy things. Like they weren't allowed to touch the ground. After a time Mandy came over and tried to get me to play but I just sat on a bench watching. There were too many people and the last thing I wanted to do was to play a game where the point was to touch people or get touched. Also I’d likely fall off and look silly.

Odd. I never really watched people like this before. Dinner came and went and I did manage to finish the book I tried to read earlier before bed that night.

Sunday morning Kelly was a couple levels above normal perky. Honestly I don't know how she does it all the time. I was getting use to it though. Seeing her happy all the time did make me feel a little better. There are many ways to wake up in the mornings and a chipper all too happy Kelly calling me honey, sweetie or the dreaded sweetheart was far from the worst.

“Breakfast is in an hour honey.” Kelly said as she teased my covers. She pretended she was trying to pull them off but I know had she really wanted to she was stronger than me. Besides while I don't think she realizes I noticed she tries really hard to not see me in only my diaper. Which works for me. I don't like people seeing it either. “After we need to go to my office, I have some great news for you. I can hardly wait and your going to love it!.” Kelly beamed.

Great news I’m going to love. Coming from her it can only mean she found me a home. I hope it’s as good as she hopes it is. I was just starting to really like it here. Mandy and I even did the seesaw a couple more times. I knew I couldn’t stay here though.

I hope Ashley was alright. I haven’t heard from her yet but it’s only been almost a week. She likely didn’t have the address to this place either. I need to make sure Kelly gives me hers. As I got ready thoughts of a new home kept distracting me. Before I knew it my hair was done. Kelly gave me a small hand mirror a couple days ago and using it I could see it was neat and tight. I couldn’t quite remember doing it though, I couldn't seem to think of anything other than again I was leaving a place when it started to feel comfortable. At least this time I knew it was coming, and I knew I had to go.

Just as I thought, Kelly had found a “Wonderful new home” with a lovely family and she was just positive everything was going to be great. We were to leave a couple hours after lunch. She did give me Ashley’s address and said she would give mine to her, I could also give it to her when I sent my first letter. I wanted to wright her right away but I needed to let Mandy know I was leaving some how. Lucky Kelly found us on the seesaw just before lunch and told Mandy for me.

The “Wonderful new home” had a family with 2 twin thirteen old daughters as well as a little 5 year old chinese girl they were in the process of adopting. A family that adopts was like the holy grail for foster kids. Everyone who doesn’t have real parents to go to is looking for that. What ever a holy grail is anyway. The good thing was girls usually were not as mean as the boys. The bad news is I was going to be the only boy. All I could really do is hope Kelly was right. She so far has not lied to me and has been kind and nice. I know her job is to put kids like me in houses though and I’ve seen enough houses to know not all end up being a home.

I took my now daily shower right after lunch so my hair had time to dry before we had to leave. I spent all of the fifteen minutes it took to pack my things. I even managed to fold the shirts in something resembling how Ashley tried to teach me. I’m not sure why but I even did the Ashley braid as I now called it with the dutch and the sides like that movie I have never seen. I doubt it mattered but I was trying to make a good impression. I had on my good pants and shirt. Well the pants with the fewest wear marks in them. Problem is they were the ones with the flowers on the back pockets. The shirt while white and free of stains had little ruffle things on the sleeves. I think these are my nicest clothes because I wear them the least. Kelly would be here soon to take me to the van and then I get to meet the new family. Too many emotions to really describe what that is like.

***

“Her name is Avery.” Emily Nelson started as everyone finished lunch. Yesterday afternoon Emily and Robert had talked with their children about Avery and if they should add her to their home. They thought it would be more difficult to persuade them to give the poor girl a chance than it was. None of the children really protested, the only real question is how best to help Avery and her unique special needs.

Both parents were particularly pleased when their girls Faith and Grace said that it was their duty to God help Avery if they could. Robert and Emily were born and raised traditional Protestants. They tried to raise all their children under God and to the church’s teachings. From their own experience however they learned that the best way was to guide and lead by example. When their parents pushed God onto them they both resisted in their own way. Robert and Emily used a more hands off approach. They would teach the word of God by example and with encouragement. They decided long ago they would not push their children but encourage them to make the right decision on their own.

“Remember she has had a hard life so far.” Emily continued. Trying to make sure everyone understood Avery’s special needs. The girl would be here in a couple hours. “Avery has a couple areas that we all need to be respectful of. First, a lot of things have made her a little cautious of people being too close to her. She does not like to be touched. In time once she gets to know us that might change. Remember that it could take a good while and it is her that needs to decide when it's been long enough, not any of us.”

All the girls nodded. Even little Cindy who it would seem would agree to anything if it meant she had another sister. They took Cindy into their home and hearts a couple years ago now and if everyone had their wish they would adopt the girl permanently. Emily had another talk with Cindy once everything was decided. Just to make sure Cindy understood everything. She was only five after all.

“Also, Avery does not talk.” Emily went on. “I think over time this will be the most difficult thing for us to get use to. God willing her voice may grace us but for now it is not to be expected.” Grace giggled a little at the use of her name as a verb before Emily continued. “I’m sure we all will make mistakes myself included, but try not to ask her questions that need a specific answer it might make her uncomfortable. Mrs. Kelly says Avery is quite good at expressing herself in other ways and making her thoughts known. I’m sure we all will find out just what that means soon enough.”

“Perhaps the most uncomfortable part” Emily continued the review of her likely unnecessary Avery final onceover. “Avery is incontinent. What that means is Avery does not know when she needs to go potty. Because of that, like with all of you when you were little, she needs to wear a diaper.”

“Now I know I don't need to say this because your all such wonderful children, but let it be known that absolutely no teasing or jokes about this in any way will be tolerated at all. Just imagine what it would be like if it were you. I’m sure she does not enjoy wearing a diaper all the time everywhere she goes any more than any of you would. I don't expect we can simply act like it does not exist. In some ways ignoring it can be as bad as teasing. Treat it as a normal part of who she is. I think that like her not talking and her personal space Avery will show us how she expects to be treated by how she treats us. Remember the golden rule.” Emily paused a moment to let everything sink in before she added. “Is there anyone that has anything they want to say or something that they feel we need to discuss?”

As Emily expected nobody said anything. She was mostly sure that the last ten minutes or so was not needed. A lot of it was for herself. She was nervous. Kelly made Avery sound like such a special child that just needed a real chance. Not in the “special” way either, special in the way a good person in both heart and soul is good and special. The couple pictures Kelly sent her yesterday on the seesaw only strengthened her resolve.

Emily and Robert spent a lot of time talking the night before about what it would take for a child to stop talking and not want any physical contact with other people. She was almost glad Avery’s file was gone. None of the things that came to mind that would be bad enough to hurt a child in such a way were anything she wanted to think about. Honestly, not knowing what Avery has been through made it easier. They wouldn’t tiptoe around things awkwardly trying to be nice only to make Avery self conscious by seeing through their obfuscation. It was done now. Avery was coming. God had brought them this child to love and help. Emily could only hope they were strong enough for that task. “Lord give me strength” she thought to herself.

“So, who wants to help me make brownies?” Emily said as a way of closing the impromptu meeting. Cindy jumped at the chance. Perhaps just over a year ago Emily would have had three eager girls in the kitchen trying to put their part into the simple baking project. Then one day her girls decided they were just too old for such things. Like the flipping of a switch her angles became young teens and that was that. For now she would settle for Cindy, perhaps soon she could be blessed with Cindy and Avery? Perhaps not, but it was nice to think about.

“I’m going to head out to the garage and see if I could get some things done before Avery gets here.” Robert said to nobody’s surprise. He liked to tinker in the garage when he could get away with it. He was rather addicted to radio controlled airplanes and a bit of a perfectionist when it came to making them just how he wanted them.

When Faith and Grace finished helping Emily and Cindy clear away the lunch dishes they made their way to the living room and turned on the television. They didn’t really care what they were watching as long as it wasn't too boring. They mostly wanted the background noise.

Sitting on the couch they turned to face each other. Which in a lot of ways was like looking in a mirror. Today that mirror only went as far as the face. They didn’t dress the same every day. Mostly when they felt like it. They made sure their hair was cut the same so that when they chose to they could look like a bubblegum commercial but it was easy enough to look at least a little different when they wanted to. They decided that being Avery’s first day here it would be mean to play “twin games” as Emily called them with the new girl… At least for the first day. Best to get a good read on her first, and Robert would be very angry along with Emily if it even looked like they were picking on the girl.

“So, what do you really think?” Grace asked Faith.

“I dunno, mostly what we talked about last night I guess.” Faith started. “I don't mind another kid in the house any more than you do. As long as she’s not crazy or anything anyway.”

“Yeah.” Grace commented. “Just kind of weird. The not being touched thing I can get. I think in some way nobody likes being touched at least part of the time. I can't imagine what it would be like to not talk though. I mean, just, wow, like not talking at all, ever. How does that even work, I mean, I just don’t get it.”

“I guess it's like being blind or deaf or missing an arm or something.” Faith injected. “Like if you can't see than you can't see. Sure seeing would be better obviously but, if you can't see than you either deal with it or what...just fall over and die?”

“Dad said she might be able to talk” Grace put in.

“But if she can talk and just never does,” Faith added. “What does that mean.”

“Like nothing is ever worth saying?” Grace finished the question.

The girls often did things like this. For the most part they knew most of how the other felt. Not some psychic link or what have you. More the deep understanding of another person that usually only develops with someone as close to you as a twin.

Not only were they in the same womb, they shared many of the same experiences. They also learned things at the same time as well as sharing that knowledge together. They both learned fire is hot at the same time. What a lemon tastes like, how snow felt. They learned how to walk and eat and speak and everything. Together at the same time. When they learned something together they both had very similar life experiences all the way up to that point to reflect upon as they learned something. They drew similar conclusions and made similar mistakes.

More than that, where they were different was equally well known to both of them. Someone likely knows their partners or best friends favorite food. A twin likely knows how much more one likes string beans steamed over boiled as well as if they prefer them cut or not.

When they had a problem they found that talking through it together helped them both understand. Twice the brainpower focused on the task. They couldn’t read each other's minds they just think mostly the same because both of them draw on life experiences that are so similar as well as each of their differences. Where they don't think the same they have a really good idea of what the other would be thinking anyway. The same way a husband knows his wife's drink at a restaurant when she is in the bathroom. Only on a much higher level.

“Emily said they seen her sounding out words when she was reading and didn't know people could see.” Faith said.

“Maybe she can't talk just whisper or something” Grace said.

“And just doesn't want to sound all messed up” Faith said.

“If she tried to talk around other people.” Grace said.

“Bet she was teased for it before and just gave up on it.” Faith said.

They looked at each other a bit. Mostly done. Neither of them thought that their theory was right or anything but it was good enough for them to at least try to understand what life would be like if you couldn't talk. They weren’t actually talking about what life would be like with the words. Most of their talking didn’t need words.

For them, this was a starting point. They might not be able to relate with Avery or even understand. But now there was a start. Like most people they would think on the issue both consciously and subconsciously. Just Faith and Grace would do it together. Later they would talk again and compare notes so to speak. Reaffirming their shared experiences to include all of what might be called “getting to know Avery”.

“The diaper thing.” Faith said.

“How can you poop without knowing?” Grace said.

“Lets just leave that for now.” Faith said.

“Agreed.” Grace finished.

Emily turned off the mixer and Cindy poured in the last of the flour. Once mixed it stopped again and she handed Cindy a batter covered rod from the mixer which the little girl quickly took with both hands and a huge smile.

“Ema” Cindy asked between licks.

Cindy called Emily “Ema” ever since shortly after the girl came into their lives. If someone asked Cindy what Emily’s name was the girl would say Emily. Cindy always called her Ema though. Emily liked to think it was because it was close to mama or ma. Emily would never ask Cindy why because she really didn’t want to ruin her little fantasy. “Yes Cindy?” Emily asked before the chocolate goodness distracted Cindy from whatever she was about to say.

“Is Avery gonna like me?” Cindy asked.

“Of course Avery is going to like you sweetheart, what's not to like?” Emily quickly answered. “I’m sure Avery is a good person, and in time were all going to be great friends. It might take Avery time though.” Emily continued.

It was important to not put false expectations on the little girl. “Remember Avery is coming here to live with us. Just like we have never met her she has never met us either. Think how scary that must be. A whole new house and family all at once. I'm sure at first she’s going to be a little scared and shy. I know I would be. In time though you'll see. You two might become best of friends, who knows. I'm sure she will like you though Cindy. Even if you do have batter on your nose.” Emily finished.

Cindy giggled before trying to lick her nose with her tongue. If only I had my camera for that Emily thought with a smile. “Just give Avery time to get use to us. Some people were not very nice to her before. She doesn’t know we would never be mean to her yet. I'm sure once she is sure were nice people, we will all be surprised how nice she is too.” Emily said.

“She’s older than I am right Ema? Cindy asked.

“Yes Cindy, Avery is eight. She will be nine just before Christmas.” Emily replied.

“Will you adopt Avery?” Cindy asked as Emily slid the brownies into the oven.

“It’s too early to know that Cindy. Maybe. Only God knows.” Emily said.

“If you adopt Avery...Does that mean you won’t want me anymore Ema?” Cindy asked. Her eyes a bit watery.

“Oh no honey” Emily quickly replied as she sat on a chair at the kitchen table. Emily picked the little girl up and held her on her lap. “Whatever God has planned for Avery and our family, one thing I know for certain is nothing will make us love you any less. Nothing is going to make us not want you to be as much a part of our family as we can have you. I promise Cindy. We all love you too much to let you go. No matter how wonderful Avery turns out to be Cindy. Nobody can ever replace you. Remember that always.” Emily said as she hugged Cindy tightly. Cindy sniffed a little as she maneuvered an arm around her Ema and hugged back.

Robert really wanted to lose himself in his model planes. He set everything out and even plugged in the soldering iron. The one he was building now was from scratch. He had painstakingly bent the wire frame to exacting precision over more time that he wanted to admit. It was paying off though. The craft was looking more and more like it might actually fly one day. If his math was right, it might even do it well. It would be more heavy than some of the prefabricated planes he had but that was alright. The design he was making wasn’t supposed to be nimble after all anyway. Bombers were lumbering beasts built to fly high and heavy. The problem is he just couldn’t get his mind into the project at the moment.

When Emily gave birth to his two girls his world finally felt complete. He had no idea he could love anything more than Emily. That was until the first moment he laid his eyes on those twin miracles. The girls were less than a year old and already he and Emily were talking of more. Of the family they had wished for when they were young and full of life. How perfect the future would be for them with their hopes and dreams.

Then Emily had her problems. Far to many tests and procedures for either of them. In the end however their prayers fell short or so it seemed. Emily had a hysterectomy. Well a bit more than that. They managed to save the lower half of her uterus and cervix, The cost was the upper half as well as her fallopian tubes and ovaries.

They were devastated for some time. All their hopes and dreams for the family they both wanted so badly seemed ripped away from them. He felt God was punishing them for some reason for the longest time. Their hearts and perhaps part of their soul felt broken beyond repair.

They prayed so hard and for so long for strength and guidance. Robert began to doubt God's plan for them, even angry at God himself for doing this to them. Emily shot down Robert every time he cursed so. She had always been the strong one.

He was the man and it was his duty to lead his family. It was her strength that gave him the ability to do it though. The role of a husband and wife is clear in the bible. He had been taught that for all his life. He never really understood. When he was growing he would ask his father who would dance around a direct answer. Usually ending with a laugh and “You'll understand one day, just like me.” Dad was right. Oh how right he was.

Emily would do her duty without fail. No matter what he asked of her she would do her utmost to see it so. As long as he followed God’s word. Nothing could shield him from her furry if he strayed from the almighty word however. Lightning was not so fast to point the error in his path as Emily. Truly he would be lost without her by his side.

Then one day at a church function a couple introduced their new foster child to them. A young black boy. He was maybe 10 at the time. They talked some with the new parents. Robert didn’t give it much thought but Emily spent most of the function with the young boys new foster mother.

That night Emily was almost glowing with new found strength and hope. To her it was clear. God did what he had done because it was our place to help children who needed them. Blessed with two of their own already as Emily saw it now God wanted their family to be of a flock God would send to them. The dream of perhaps still having the family they always wanted now rekindled in Emily roared like a wildfire. Emily was soon convinced. Perhaps this was a sign from God. He had not forsaken them. He was hesitant at first. He couldn't find an argument against trying it that he believed much less one that would convince Emily. Emily didn't just want to be foster parents.

Emily wanted their family to be ready for whatever God would send them. It was their duty to God to be ready. They took every class Emily could find for children in every condition. The thought of raising a crippled child and feeding them from a tube was hard for Robert to wrap his head around. So much work and how could he love some other people’s child enough to do such a thing. Emily didn't see it like that. He tried and he prayed for guidance. In the end he just put his trust in her and in God.

Then Cindy came into their lives. It was rough at first. He was ashamed to admit it but he was just not sure he could love some other child in the way he would need to if he were to be the father. With Emily’s strength he would try. She needed this to work. He was damaged from all they had lost but for all of that damage, Emily was all but broken. So much love to give but she would never bare fruit to spread that love upon again. For Emily he could only do his duty. Whatever shape God had in mind for his family he would lead it the best he could. For Emily he would burn the world if he had too. For Emily Cindy was her last chance at their dreams. Her dedication and commitment shamed Robert some. He had to live up to her expectations, and God's.

With God’s grace it was far more easy than he would have, could have dreamed.. He was shocked how quickly and easily he came to love little Cindy. It’s only been a couple years but already he didn’t want to think of a life without her in it. He thanked God every night for blessing them with Cindy. He would not doubt God's plan again.

Avery, was going to be a new kind of challenge. She was not the young innocent girl Cindy was when God brought her to them. Avery was older and it seems has been through so much in such a short life. Robert tried not to think of all the bad things that could happen. At the same time he needed to be realistic too. This was his family and his duty to protect it. What if Avery was bad. What if she was mean to the other children, stole things or God forbid hit and picked on Cindy. How would he handle something like that.

He had talked with Kelly a great deal. Everything she said seemed like none of those things were going to happen. It also seemed too good to be true. A girl with so much hurt in her past yet not the bitterness many would fall to. A similar bitterness that almost infected both Robert and Emily. In so many ways Cindy saved them. Saved their marriage, and their faith.

Perhaps that is why God is giving them Avery. Perhaps Kelly is right and it's not too late. Perhaps God is sending Avery because as Cindy saved them now it is their turn to save Avery. “Lord give me the wisdom to follow your path”. Robert thought to himself.

Mostly I just stared out the window as we drove to the new house. Kelly sat in back next to me which seemed to annoy John who was our driver again. He had to take out one of the car seats, likely had to put it back in later too. If I had my way he would have taken both of them out but I was use to them by this point.

Kelly kept glancing at me. Her permanent smile ever present. I knew she wanted to tell me again how great it was going to be or somehow try to pass on even a little of her excitement to me. Thankfully even she knew saying all that again at this point wouldn't change anything. More than once she almost tried to take my hand before she stopped herself.

That made me wonder some. If she tried I’m not sure I would have stopped her. It wouldn’t be for the sense of danger touching people usually filled me with. There was no danger from Kelly. Perhaps if she was wrong about this house but that wouldn’t be her fault. I think the only reason I’d likely stop her would be because I’m not sure she would ever let go.

At the last house I realised at some point that most people that wanted to hurt me showed me that rather quickly. I hated being touched but a lot of that was force of habit. Strangers freaked me out but Mary and Sofi were nice. The Lopez family never hurt us either. I flinched out of habit now but everyone around me touched me at some point. It use to terrify me and sometimes it did. A lot of it now though was out of habit.

Looking out the window some more I realise I was trying to think about anything other than what was about to happen. Was that because I couldn’t stop or change it? Like when I was going to a doctor or the dentist. I knew people were going to touch me and it just had to happen. Did I really want to stop this? For some reason the normal dread of how bad it was likely to be didn’t seem as strong as it had been in the past. Kelly seemed to really believe this was good.

What would I do if it were true. What if everything Kelly said was real and this place was all she said. Why did that scare me more than another miserable year or two in the long line of houses. I didn't want to think of that. I have done it before and it’s not a good place to go. It makes it so much worse when you find out that their all the same. That tiny piece of hope wouldn’t go away though. Ashleys words ran through my mind again. “Where ever you go Avery. Find the good people. Find the good ones and trust them Avery. You can’t trust everyone, but you have to let the good ones in.” It was so much easier when I knew there were no good people.

We turned off the big roads now and I could see houses all around us. This was it. Where ever I'm going, here I am. The neighborhood was nice. Not rich or even almost rich like where Ashley went but not run down at all. The houses all had nice yards and bushes cut in neat shapes and rows. Several had flowers in clean patches.

***

The van stopped in the middle of the block. I had to look past Kelly to see the house but it was bigger than most on the street. Most had a garage in the back away from the house a bit. This one was on more land though. There was a wide driveway with a two car garage attached to the house. Tall wooden fencing on both sides with gates blocked the back yard from the road. It was yellow with siding and brown gutters. The roof was taller too. It looked like they built onto the home and added something up there. There were bushes along the front under the windows and a couple little islands in the yard with pretty flowers in them. A small walkway led from the top of the driveway along the front of the house to a small porch where the front door was.

“Wait here with John as he gets your things.” Kelly said as we got out of the van. John was already around back stacking my stuff on the sidewalk. “I need to check with them then I’ll wave John and you up.” Then Kelly added “Smile, it's going to be alright you'll see.”

I tried to smile but I don't think I pulled it off. At least she didn’t say it would be wonderful again. When Kelly got to the door I could see a man with blond hair and a woman with light brown hair greet her and she stepped just inside the door. That must be Robert and Emily Nelson. I looked at John and he looked at me and cracked a small grin.

“It's okay, Kelly might be a bit green and sometimes too excited, or a lot of times too excited.” John said. “She has a good eye for people though. If she says this is gonna work, she is likely right.”

Not sure if that really helped or not. I just kind of looked at the house some more until Kelly popped back out still smiling and waved us to come up. John tossed my backpack over a shoulder then stacked my walmart bag on top of my box and started for the door. The walmart bag with almost a full pack of my diapers in it along with the powder and wipes.

I followed John already not liking how this was starting. I wanted to kind of hide that bag behind the box or something. Now the first thing they would see is my huge baby style diapers. You could read them thru the bag outlined by John’s overly large chest. Well, if there's one thing all homes have in common it's that there is no privacy and no secrets. Just wish my secret would have lasted at least sixty seconds.

To my surprise as John entered the home a lot more aquardly than someone with his muscles needed to. He actually turned away from everyone right away. He set the box down and quickly picked the bag up and hid it behind the box. Then covered it more with my backpack. John just made my liked list, bigtime. I followed him in far enough for Kelly to get the door closed. John and I made eye contact and he smiled and even winked. I smiled and gave the biggest “Thank You” with my eyes I could.

The house was bigger than it looked from the street. There was a wall just inside the door in an L shape with a tile area. Kelly motioned me into the main room by moving her hands toward me. I think she might have actually pushed me if I didn't back into the room. I must have made the most ungraceful entrance possible short of falling. I literally backed into their home as if Kelly was stopping me from running for the door. She grinned like she might have thought that's exactly what she was doing. She wasn't, well mostly not.

I turned away from Kelly and John to see what must be everyone. The man and woman were standing somewhat in the middle of the room. There was a loveseat with two girls on it who looked very similar and another girl standing a little behind and off to the side of the woman. This girl looked almost like Ashley’s little half sister and was my size. That must be Cindy the chinese girl they were adopting. Wait. The five year old who was about to start kindergarten was as tall as me? The world is so not fair.

My eyes darted about for a bit as I took in the room. It was bigger than you would expect from the street. The back wall held a large couch that looked like the ends reclined but four people could sit on it. Next to the couch closer to me was a large reclining chair likely where the man sat. In front of those was a large glass coffee table with some plant in the center and a tray that held a lot of coasters. The carpet was dark grey and really thick.

Almost right next to me and blocking most of the front window was the biggest television I have ever seen. There were two tall thin speakers next to it and when I looked back there were two small ones over the couch and chair. On the left wall was a loveseat that held two girls, an end table on either side.. The thirteen year old twins Grace and Faith.

Right of the recliner was a series of stools like at a bar. They were in front of, well, a bar. It looked into the kitchen. The bar only sat three.I couldn’t see it very well but as far as kitchens go it's kind of huge.

Going past the door to the kitchen was a space almost big enough to be called another room but it wasn't separated from the living room at all. There was a small stairway in the middle of it that looked like it went into the garage. On the wall facing the front yard there was a large desk with a rather large computer on it. There were two office chairs in front of the desk and they looked really comfortable.

On the wall to the kitchen was a bookshelf mostly full of books but with little planes taking up one of the higher middle rows. Some were sitting there but a couple really small ones were hanging on a string or something. They looked kind of neat. There was also a soft chair with a footstool like at the Lopez house but this chair was way more new looking.

The wall facing the garage had a lot of pictures on it of the family. Everyone seemed to be there in more than one photo. They had a big group shot right next to the computer stuff with them all dressed up.

There was a hallway next to the loveseat heading away from the couch that went into the rest of the house. I could see more pictures there as well. Over all the house was nice. All the stuff looked mostly new. Everything was really clean too. I tried for a moment but I couldn’t find anything that looked out of place or even a piece of lint on the carpet. Everything being so perfect made me more nervous.

Everyone was looking at me. Even John and Kelly. This was always the worst part. Like I was up for final inspection. I’ve never seen a kid be turned around and kicked out when they first entered a home but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel like it could happen. Would they just not like me? I was half waiting for them to start laughing at me for wearing girls clothes or for having long hair or for...not having a family of my own. Something. I was not sure if I wanted to be here. Maybe this would be “Wonderful” like Kelly had said or maybe just a different version of all the other houses I’ve been in. All I could do was stand there and, be judged.

Kelly finally broke the moment. “Well, Avery this is the family I have been telling you about. Mr. Robert Nelson and his lovely wife Emily.”

Robert was almost a tall man. Not quite a tower but nobody could call him short. He looked fit and healthy in his slightly faded jeans and short sleeve shirt with a collar on it. His arms showed he was in shape and likely fairly strong. Not like John huge strong though. He had blond hair that looks like it was passed to his daughters. He had a calming yet strong face. His eyes were deep blue and looked relaxed. Most things are usually nice in the beginning but for now he seemed mostly safe. Not harmless though, I could see a presence there. He had a command he carried that you could feel about him.

Emily was average in height. She wore a long skirt that came down to just above her ankles. Sandals with a heel that made me think of Ashley made her seem a little taller but she still only came up to her husband's nose. Her blouse had no sleeves with a large lace collar and buttons that looked like pearls. She also had a pearl necklace on and a gold bracelet on her right wrist along with a few gold rings. Pearl earrings dotted her ears and her makeup was simple but made her look really pretty. She had long light brown hair that was tied up in a neat bun on top of her head. Some hairs near the front were strategically left out of the bun to “frame” her face as Ashly called it and it did add to her look well. Her eyes, her grey blue eyes made me micro flinch for a second. Here she was a complete stranger, but her eyes held hope and love and something else I can't quite place. Maybe a need? I caught myself staring at her for too long a moment before I made myself look away.

Kelly continued the introduction. “Almost hiding here we have this nice little angel Cindy, their other foster child who I understand is in the process of being adopted.” Cindy twitched her mouth a little as if she almost thought of smiling but never finished the idea. It’s hard to see from here but she really does look my size. At least Kelly hasn’t called me angel, yet. She wore a simple blue dress with a little skirt to it that came to her knees. Short sleeves and white tights with blue sneakers. Her hair was as black as mine and layed around her head and shoulders with bangs in the front that went to just above her eyebrows. Her big brown eyes showed that she was almost as uncomfortable as I was which surprised me a little.

“And over here” Kelly concluded. “We have their lovely daughters Grace and Faith.” The one she called Faith said “I’m Grace” which made Kelly hide a small wince. I thought identical twins were supposed to be, well, Identical. Sure they looked very much alike. From farther away or if I couldn't see their faces they looked alike. Even their boobs looked the same size. I tried not to really look at those because Ashley said it was rude. They did look really similar but to me they were clearly different. It’s the eyes. Sure their eyes looked the same as far as color and stuff but that other thing in eyes it's totally not the same at all. Differences aside they mostly looked like they were trying to be nice and see what I would do. Did they expect me to do something weird? I couldn’t see how tall they were sitting but it was definitely taller than me, and Ashley too for that matter.

They had their fathers blond hair and it was past their shoulders with a lot of wave to it. They had each parted it the same way but on different sides. Their ears had two earrings each in them with the lower ones dangling purple stones. They had on long sleeve blouses with the front sort of held closed with a string going back and forth that opened into a V. Grace had blue and Faith white. They had sneakers that matched their tops with jeans, white jeans for Grace and blue for Faith so that their clothing was opposite where everything else was the same.

“And of course, Here we have Avery.” Kelly said almost stepping back and raising an arm as if to finish with a “Tada”.

My eyes were as big as saucers. I tried to not look as uncomfortable as I felt but it just didn’t work. My mouth at least managed to smile some but the rest of my face just wouldn’t follow along. I meekly raised my right hand and bent my fingers together in a small wave as I almost begged the rest of me to make a better impression even though I had no idea just what or how that would work. I felt dopy. Like someone told me something was hanging out of my nose ten minutes after I had already been in the room.

Everything about this place at first glance made me feel like I didn't belong here. Things were too clean. Everyone was dressed too well and all the stuff was new and shiney. I think the only dirt in here not part of one of the plants was on my shoes, which were now standing on this thick likely expensive carpet. I was going to be in trouble for making a mess before Kelly even left. “This was not going to work.” I thought to myself as I looked everyone over. Everything was telling me that. Everything except, Emily’s eyes. Those eyes somehow said “It's alright”.

Kelly knelt down in front of me and in a soft voice said. “John and I need to go now, I’ll be back from time to time to see how your doing though. Everything is going to work out you'll see.”

Standing once again Kelly said to the room at large. “I find it’s best for the family to get to know each other as a family. Without me lurking around, unless there is something more then I'll be on my way?” She ended with a question.

Emily came up to her and they shook hands. “Thank you for everything Kelly. Let me see you out then” The three made their way past me out the front door.

Robert clapped his hands together, it likely wasn't very loud but I did jump a bit anyway before he said. “Alright then. Lets let Avery get settled and a little more comfortable. There will be plenty of time for us all to get to know each other. I think she’s felt on display long enough.”

For a long moment nobody moved. Then Cindy took a slow careful step toward the hallway before picking up speed and going to one of the rooms at the far end. The twins stood together and walked into the kitchen. They waited a moment before I could hear them whispering to each other but they were too far to hear what they were saying.

Robert sat on his chair and looked at me with a smile. At least he seemed relaxed. “I know this must be a lot to take in at once Avery.” He started. His voice filled the room but he spoke softly. It had a rhythm to it that was warm. “I’m sure it doesn’t mean much just for me to say it yet, but know that you are safe here. Nobody is going to hurt you under my roof I will make sure of that.” Sitting back with a small sigh he continued. “Were all glad to have you here. In some ways we likely need you as much as you need us. Whatever God has planned for us all, now you are a part of it. Please, have a seat. Your home now.”

His words were true. At least he believed they were true. I don't know anything about God's plan or whatever but it was clear everything he said he meant. For now. Everything is usually mostly nice in the beginning. I took a seat on the far side of the love seat the twins had been in. It was better now that most of them had left. This chair was surprisingly soft. I curled my legs under me making sure to keep my shoes off the furniture and made myself small in the corner.

Emily came in a moment later. At first she sat down next to her husband, Then she moved farther down the couch so that she was closer to me. She sat a little weird. There wasn’t anything wrong with it but it looked different. Smoother and graceful. It didn't look like she was trying to act in some special way more it was just how she was. She smoothed her skirt behind her and almost floated into the couch. Crossed her legs and bent them off to one side then straightened her skirt out over her legs. As her shoulders shifted back she grew taller and thinner. Her hands drifted into her lap and she turned her head towards me with a growing smile. Somehow she was also taking up as little space as she needed but without hiding like I was. Everything was all one smooth motion. I couldn’t help but watch.

We made eye contact and there was that same way about her eyes. Nothing about this was comfortable for me except those eyes. I was stuck here regardless but the way she looked at me made me feel, I almost wanted to believe. Maybe this was going to be alright. Maybe Kelly was right. That hope was creeping in and I couldn’t push it back. When this goes bad, it’s going to hurt I thought to myself.

“I know all of this is new and probably a lot to take in like this.” Emily said. Her voice was very different from her husbands. It was like a ripple on a pond. Going only as far as it needed to and had a melody to it. Like a poem almost, even though there was nothing fancy or any rhyme to her words.

“Were not very practiced at this I'm afraid.” Emily went on. “You are only the third foster child we have taken in. The second was only with us a short time. Her family had some things they needed to work out and we took care of their little girl so they could focus on it. A couple months later she was back with her parents.” Emily shifted slightly, looking for the right words. “I think this is the part where were suppose to give you the rules of the house as it were. I’m sure we have those but for the life of me I can't seem to recall many at the moment.” She almost looked embarrassed. “We believe that good people know right from wrong without the need for such things to be spelled out. We don't have some rule against stealing for example because everybody already knows stealing is wrong.”

Emily's face shifted as it seemed she found her thoughts. “I guess our rules are more expectations than some form of law. Meals are about the same time every day. We clean the home every sunday after church and everyone does their part. If you make a mess you are expected to clean up after yourself.” She paused as she looked at me for some reaction. I twitched a small nod not knowing what I was “expected” to do.

“We won’t ever stop you from eating but if you must snack there is fruit on the kitchen table and we would prefer you use that. We don't spank or have some list of arbitrary punishments we dole out. If there is an issue we find what makes the most sense and work together to get past it.” Emily continued.

Did she just say I can have all the food I want and they won't spank me? My radar went off. This has to be a trick of some kind. Normally I can see that in people. Emily didn’t look like she was trying to fool me though. She looked like she was saying things as they came to her and that was just how it was.

Again Emily spoke. “I’ll show you around in a moment. Your free to shower as you like, we expect you to keep clean but from what Kelly said that won’t be a problem. I'll show you where the vacuum is and other cleaning supplies should you need them. If there is a special soap or shampoo you would like we can see about getting things like that as well. I guess most of this we will just have to play by ear.”

“One more comment” Emily said after a long pause, seemingly as something came to her. “We know were not your real parents. We don’t expect you to call us mom and dad.” I looked up at her and she winced slightly. I knew what she meant and honestly it was nice. I hardly remember my mom. No matter how good or bad she was, only she was my mom.

Emily went on. “We don't know what you have been through. We know a lot of it was unpleasant. Honestly even if we knew everything, we know we can't possibly understand just how that felt or makes you feel even now. If we can, know that if you want us we are here for you now. We know you don't trust us. You have no reason to yet. We will work to earn your trust over time. That's the best we can do. Were not perfect but we try the best we can with the help and guidance of God and the teachings of Christ.”

I almost eye rolled a the god stuff. I’ve had people try and tell me about how great god was. Really, if there were a god how the hell could my life be like this. If this is god's plan or whatever than any all powerful all knowing god that lets all this happen, I want no part of.

Emily’s posture firmed slightly. “I am not going to apologies for following God and his word.”

Here it comes I thought. This is how it's all going to turn. Honestly I thought it would at least take a couple days. Better to get it over with at least.

Emily continued. “We are a family of Christians. We believe and follow the word of God and the teachings of Christ. We are proud of this, it’s who we are. We will not force God upon you. It is a choice a person can only make for them self. We would be delighted to take you to church with us, to prey with us. We know that we can not make you believe or follow God. We don’t want you to pretend to either. When we go to church you can stay here if you want to. We have someone you will meet later who sees to the house when we need to be away who can watch over you while we are at services. If at some point you choose to look into God's word and his teachings we will happily help you find him in your soul. We respect you and your views if this is not what you want. We ask that you simply respect our ways in turn.”

Well that sounded good. I have seen the will of god bit before though. That house was one of the worst. I visibly shivered at the memories. Emily frowned slightly and her eyes showed sorrow. The speech was almost too good to be true. Sure they said it was my choice, that's how it worked. Just if I didn’t make the “right” choices, I’d be punished. So what was it going to be. If they weren't going to spank me perhaps lock me in my room? Maybe another closet. I don’t think I can handle that again. Hopefully this house won’t last too long. Maybe Kelly really will come back and check on me soon. Maybe I can find a way to show her how this place really is and go back to the shelter. It was lonely but I found a friend before. It’s definitely better than what I’ve seen of “Good Catholic homes”.

“Well then.” Emily said after a long pause. Maybe seeing if God had anything to add. “I guess it's time for the tour.” Her smile was back and she stood as smoothly as she had sat before.

“I'll move to the garage and give you two some space then if that's alright.” Robert said. He headed to the stairs near the computer.

“Don't hide too long dear” Emily said after him. “Dinner will be in a bit over an hour.” Emily turned to me and shot a warm smile. I think my face was stuck in a blank expression. Too many unpleasant things were going around in my head to really focus on putting on a good show. “Let me show you the kitchen first.”

I stood, not nearly as smooth as Emily did. “My, Kelly was right your hair is beautiful.” Emily said and reached her arm out as if to touch it. I twitched back instinctively.

“I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to be touched. It’s going to take some getting use to, might take some time.” After a small pause, “Can I see the back?” Emily said as she slowly started to circle me. I didn’t think she was going to grab me when I wasn’t looking. Besides hiding my hair from her was just silly. Everyone I met always wanted to look at my hair. Best to get it over with. I turned toward the love seat I was sitting on so she could get a good look.

“So pretty, you should be proud. I really like how the sides come together here it's just gorgeous. Your quite the pretty young lady Avery” She said admiringly.

Not exactly what I was going for. Gorgeous, pretty young lady? She has to know I'm not a girl, you would think that my file and whatever Kelly told them about me would mention that I have parts on my body that are certainly not those of a “Pretty young lady.”

“You did that hair all on your own Avery?” Emily questioned as I turned to face her again. I nodded and didn’t really want to but I smiled a little. I was proud of my hair and how well I could braid it.

“This is the kitchen.” Emily started as if it were not completely obvious. She showed me the inside of the fridge and how the water and ice worked on the door. Where the cups and glasses were kept and the little step ladder next to the fridge if I needed something that was too high. After pointing everything out she asked me to sit at the table. It was a huge table made out of a pretty wood that looked solid and strong. She pulled a booster seat out of a cupboard and set it on a chair for me. I pouted at the reminder of how short I was. Once I was seated there really wouldn't be a practical way for me to eat at this table without it, just too big of a table. I guess one of those rules she forgot to mention was no eating in our rooms?

“If you promise not to let the other's know, Cindy and I made brownies earlier. Their still a little warm sort of. You can have one before dinner.” She sat a small plate in front of me and herself as she took a seat next to me. Large plate of brownies before us. Lifting the cover she placed one on each of our plates. It smelled great and I realised I was hungry. It was even lightly covered in powdered sugar. Never turn down food I thought to myself and I picked it up and took a bite. It was somehow better than it looked. My eyes smiled. She smiled as she noticed my enjoyment. I guess there’s no point in making it bad until it becomes bad so making the best of it I simply enjoyed the treat.

After we finished she showed me a doorway in the back of the kitchen. There were three doors back there walking in to the right “That goes to the back patio and yard.” Emily instructed. “Feel free to explore that at your leisure. There's a barbecue and a swingset and a few other things out there. This door goes to the twins room upstairs, and this is the basement.”

The basement was mostly for storage it seemed. There was a laundry area and a pantry with a ton of canned goods and dry stuff. There was a well used pool table with a rack of sticks and stuff to play the game with. There was also a ping pong table with another smaller rack of that stuff. The entire floor had this really short fake grass stuff on it. When I noticed it Emily said it was so your feet don't get too cold if you take off your shoes.

As we passed through the living room to the hallway Emily continued the tour. “This first door on the right is going to be your room. We can see it in a minute. This door across from that is the hall closet.” It contained towels and a vacuum and most of the general cleaning stuff. The more location specific stuff for the kitchen she already showed me. “This next door on the right is our room. At the end of the hall is Cindy’s room. Here to our left is the bathroom. There is another half bath in the basement but this is the only shower and tub.” A pause as we entered the bathroom when Emily continued. “As you can imagine with all these girls it gets a bit crowded in here. We do most of our hair and makeup in our bedrooms.”

She showed me an assortment of shampoo and conditioners as well as different things to scrub with. Something called a loofa sponge. When she noticed my confused look she explained what it was for and recommended using it a few times a week for really soft skin. There were almost as many different types of lotions in the cupboard next to the medicine cabinet as there were shampoos. She showed me the makeup removing pads and pimple creams and a bunch of other stuff I really didn’t see myself using. She started in on the feminine sanitary things which I really didn’t want to hear about before stopping herself and seemingly slightly embarrassed said “I guess you don't really need these.”

“Let's get your things and we can see your room which I'm sure is what you have been waiting for.” Emily said as we made our way back to the living room.” I quickly stepped ahead of her and picked up the walmart bag and my backpack making an attempt to hide it but likely failing. Emily paid no attention though and just grabbed the box and I followed her up to what was now to be my room.

We entered and I was a bit taken off guard. It was nice and clean and full of nice furniture. It was too nice. Standing just inside the door most of the room went back and to the right with a large window into the back yard. To the right I was sharing a wall with the stairway to the basement. The floor was covered in thick carpet like the rest of the house, if anything it felt a little softer. It was a really light grey or dark cream color.

The bed was a twin covered in blankets and… I can only call it fluff. It was so thick and fluffy I was almost afraid to even touch it. There were three normal bed pillows and two little square pillows all arranged neatly on the head of the bed under the window. What am I supposed to do with all those pillows?

On the wall to the hallway was a white desk with a jar holding a few pens and pencils and little sticky note pads sat next to it. There was a stack of notebook paper and envelopes on one side sitting on top of another ringed notebook like what I used for school. The other side of the desk had a smaller sized book with a fancy cover that said Journal on top of it. There were three drawers on one side and one in the middle. In the center of the desk in front of the desk lamp was something I was definitely not in any way expecting. There was a tablet. The only reason I even knew what it was is because Mary had one she brought over a couple times. She would show us videos of different ways to braid hair and other things on it. Was this for me? Surely someone had left it in here when they were cleaning or something.

On the wall shared by the basement stairs was another desk like thing. It had a big mirror on the back of it though with lights up the side. There were many little shelves and drawers along the front of the mirror and a couple bigger drawers off to one side. It was also white and matched the rest of the furniture. There was one small office like chair at the desk but both the desks had a plastic thing under them so the chair could roll easy.

Next to the desk was a trash can and next to the mirror desk was a can that looked very much like the diaper can I had at the center. A large dresser with four drawers was sharing the wall with the mirror desk. The walls were white. They had trim on the floors and ceiling though that matches the curtains and bed frame. Sadly that matching color was a soft pink. There was another door in the room that had a mirror covering it and as Emily shut the door with us inside I could see all of myself in it. I promptly closed my mouth. This was one of the nicest rooms I have ever seen. Pink trim or not. Emily set the box on the mirror desk and noticing where I was looking began.

“This is the closet. It's not too big but for now it should work.” Emily said as she opened the closet door. “There is a small stool here and a little ladder too if you need them, plenty of hangers and room for shoes. Hooks here on the back of the door for hats or scarves and so on. You have a desk with some things so you can write your friend Ashley when you want to. The vanity here is for your hair and other beautification things. I think the bed is self explanatory. There is only one chair but we have an extra stool over there and a foot stool too if you and some of the other girls choose to hang out in here, or friends when you meet people. The dresser should help make up for the not so big closet for now.”

“One thing I want to make sure you notice is this.” Emily said and went back to the door. “We take personal privacy here very seriously. This door locks from the inside. It is for you to know you are alone when you need to be. Changing clothes or, other things.” She glanced at my walmart bag at the last part. “I think we have the key somewhere but please don't make us need to look for it. Nobody is going to barge in here. This lock is so you know that. It's probably not the safest thing to put on an eight year olds door but the other girls have one and Robert and I feel it is important. Please don't keep it locked all the time incase there is a fire or something bad happens. When you need to though, it's here for you.”

Well that was surprising. I have had locks on my bedroom door before but they all locked from the other side. Was this another trick or did she mean it. Was the key really in her pocket ready to use at a moments notice? Another thing we would likely find out all too soon.

I was tired of holding everything and it's clear she already knew so I needed to own it. I set the backpack on the bed and the bag of diapers completely in the open on the what I now know is a vanity.

“Are these the, items you need?” Emily asked gesturing to the bag of diapers. What could I do but nod. She took everything out of the bag and set it all up on the vanity. Then taking her phone out she took a picture. “I’ll see that we get more. Will this last you a couple days?”

I felt like I blushed a little but looking in the pack I counted seven so looking back at her I held up two fingers.

“Two days?” Emily asked.

I nodded again. I used three a day and already had my second one for the day so even with one for at night I had enough for two more full days. I liked the thinness of the goodnights better but I had to admit not having to worry about how full they were was nice. I didn’t need to worry about trying to find a bathroom I could use at all anymore. The pooping was a problem but I was getting use to it. Mostly I would just hold it until I was going to change anyway. Now I never needed to stop what I was doing to go pee at all, just three changes a day and I only needed a bathroom to shower. These worked so well that when I realised I needed to pee I simply went without giving it a second thought. Most of the time they never got near all the way full. At least that's what the lines said on them that changed colors when they got wet. Now that I was in a house again I guess I can poop there but these didn't just pull off and on so not too sure that would be easier.

“I'll let you get your things put away then.” Emily said as she opened my door. “Dinner is in a little over an hour, someone will let you know when it's ready if your still in here. Is there anything else you need right now?”

I couldn’t think of anything. I was still kind of blown away with the room and all. Even with the pink trim it was way more than I was expecting. Then I remembered. Holding up one finger gesturing to wait a minute I moved over to the desk and picked up the tablet. I don't know why this was here. Was it a test to see if I would steal it? I handed it to Emily so she could put it where it belonged.

“Sweety no, we left this here for you.” Emily said and set it back on the desk. “It’s hooked up to the internet already and everything. You have to set up the screen lock but it’s yours to use if you want it. It has a child filter on it we installed but it won't spy on your email or anything like that.”

I had no idea what she was talking about. Screen lock and internet, filters and email? I only seen Mary use hers and she clicked things so fast it was impossible to know what she was doing. The confusion must have been clear on my face.

“Have you ever used one of these before?” Emily asked. I shook my head no. “Alright, I’ll see if I can get one of the twins to help you. They can probably explain things better than me anyway.” With the issue settled apparently she smiled again and closed my door as she left to make dinner.

Wow I thought as I finally had a moment to myself. That taste of hope was at least gone now that I heard the god speech stuff. Now all I had to do is ride it out until the next house. I have to admit though. “Until it gets bad, I could really get use to this” I thought as I laid onto the bed with my feet hanging off, which almost smothered me in fluff. It had this thick top blanket thing on it. It has to be just to make the bed look fancy because it’s way too thick to be used when sleeping.

It didn't take me long to unpack everything. I even hung up my four other shirts. Ashley would be so proud. They looked kind of silly in the closet with it so empty. There were clips on the hangers too so I even hung up my other two pair of pants. Lining up the seams and everything. I smiled to myself as I imagined Ashley’s reaction to seeing this. Bet she would think someone else did it. I didn’t really want to wander around anymore so I started to write Ashley a letter until dinner was ready.

“Her name is Jessica.” Emily said as she cooked eggs for breakfast. “She goes to the local college and looks after you kids while we are at work. She takes a light class load in the summer but on thursdays we are testing Faith and Grace who insist are old enough to not need a sitter.”

Both girls eyes rolled in sync. It was kind of cute and not very responsible looking. I was drafted into working the toaster. Today they were wearing identical blue tops with thin long sleeves made of lace. The middle part was a shiny satin with little bows and lace around the collar. The tops didn't go down far enough and you could see their belly button. Emily shot them a quick discouraging glance when they came into the kitchen she didn't think I noticed. They had matching skirts that stopped just above their knees and white sandals with a small wide heel. Both wore a gold necklace one had a fancy F and the other a G hanging in the center which confused me a little.

“Jessica will be here about an hour after we leave and stay until at least four thirty.” Emily continued as she worked twin pans cooking eggs in two different styles. Cindy already sat in her booster seat eating scrambled with cheese and bacon which I learned was her favorite.

“Can you give these to the twins?” Emily asked me. “Faith likes scrambled and the over easy are for Grace.”

I wasn’t too happy being drafted into cooking but it could be worse. I tossed three slices of bacon and a piece of well buttered toast onto their plates. At least with me making toast it gets buttered right, always hated it when just the middle was buttered and the rest was dry crunchy bleh. I set the plates down in front of the twins and they froze. Emily was saying something to Faith about some television show they were watching but when I sat the food down they both instantly stopped. Which made Emily turn around.

“No, Faith likes the scrambled.” Emily said to me.

I just nodded and looked again. Yeah I did it right. I raised my hand palm upturned as if to say Faith scrambled Grace over easy. Did they have different names for eggs here or something?

“How does she know” Grace said a little perturbed.

“Did you warn her or something mama?” Faith asked Emily.

“Warn about what?” Emily paused setting more eggs down on the counter.

Grace pointed at me. What did I do? “You told Avery we were likely to switch and to mix up the food on purpose.” Grace finally said.

“I did no such thing, and you know I don't like it when you do things like that it's rude.” Emily scolded.

“Than how did she know?” Faith asked looking at me. Why were they always calling me she. I get it that first night everything was a bit awkward but it's a new day already. I just rolled my eyes. Did they really think just because Faith put on a G necklace somehow I wouldn’t know who she was. It reminds me of playing peekaboo with a baby. Like closing my eyes would make it so none of them could see me. I wish it were that easy.

Emily looked at me and pointed at Faith. “That's really Faith?” She asked me. It's her daughter did she really not know? I raised my eyebrows and over nodded, were they trying to play a game with me or something? “And that is Grace?” Emily pointed at her other blond child. I nodded again as if I were explaining how water is wet. The twins looked at each other completely shocked.

“How can you tell” Faith asked and seemed almost mad at me. I had no idea what they meant so just shrugged.

“Mama had to have told her.” Grace added and when I looked at Emily I caught the end of her glare.

Faith seemed to shrink a bit. “Did you just guess we would switch?” She asked me almost hopefully.

I shook my head no. Did people really not know? Emily seemed mad but not at me. Cindy was just poking her eggs and smiling so big her face might actually get stuck that way.

Grace stood up and went to the living room by all the pictures on the wall. “Avery come here please.” Grace asked me. “Can you point to me in all these pictures?”

What a silly question I thought. Playing along to see what the joke was I went to the wall. There were a lot of pictures there. Starting at one end I pointed to each picture at her with her in it. Sometimes she was on the left sometimes she was on the right. Most of the time she had the G necklace on but in a couple she had the F. Emily came over almost as soon as I started. When I pointed to the ones where she was wearing the wrong necklace Emily seemed to get more angry.

“How can you tell?” Faith asked me. “Please we really need to know, how? Nobody ever knew we swapped in those pictures, how do you know?”

I was a little surprised and confused. How could they not know.

“Well we know now.” Emily said. “We also know who is doing dishes for the foreseeable future.”

Both girls mouths opened wide enough you would think they were trying to catch flies. They started to turn to me but Emily stopped them.

“Don't look at her, you did this to yourselves.” Emily scolded. “She clearly didn’t even know it would get you in trouble. If the two of you weren't so full of yourselves you might have realised that asking her about these pictures was not the best idea to begin with.”

Faith was about to say something but Grace started first. “No Faith, it's my fault I asked about the pictures.”

“Figures” Faith said. “The one person who could tell us apart when we didn’t want them to, won't tell us how she does it either. Were only six in this picture and Avery didn’t even pause.”

I held my arms out in a universal “what did I do” pose. The twins both pouted and crossed their arms, together like mirror images. Rolling my eyes I lifted a finger and pointed to my eye with a duh look on my face.

“Our eyes?” Faith asked.

“You can see it in our eyes?” Grace asked again.

Everyone was looking at me. Cindy was turned in her chair to see and just kept laughing periodically. The little kid was loving this. I nodded and the two girls looked at each other then back at me. Then as one sighed.

“Finish breakfast, nobody likes cold eggs.” Emily said and we returned to breakfast. The twins were very quiet. They kept looking at each other. Likely at each other's eyes. Emily after a time nudged them back to their plates.

When Robert came down and asked about the sullen look on his oldest daughters faces Emily filled him in. When she got to the part about the pictures he seemed to get a bit angry and shot both of them a scornful look. A few moments later he looked at me mostly blank at first then let out a small laugh. “Not even a full day and already Avery is proving a valuable asset to the family. She really is quite something isn't she Emily.” Robert said in between bites of toast. “And we finally have someone who knows how to butter toast to boot.”

Emily was about to say something, likely asking what was wrong with her toast, or perhaps that he could butter it himself. I wish she would have done it, but she resisted. The world may be lesser because of her restraint.

The twins finished quickly and tried to bolt for their room but Emily kindly reminded them about the dishes. When the parents left I decided to not hide in my room all day. At least until I met this Jessica girl. I sat up in the “reading chair” and found a book I thought I might be able to read. The name made me want to try because it was the same as a movie Mary and Sofi talked about. It was about this really short guy who finds a ring. A lot of the words were new and honestly I didn't know many of them but I read a lot and was at least going to give it a shot. Most of the strange words seemed to be names and places but what the heck is a Hobbit?

I had hardly started when I felt a presence standing in front of me. I looked up to see both of the twins standing there. I couldn’t help it I giggled and even snorted a little. They both had sour looks on their faces hiding behind the very dark sunglasses they were wearing. Their necklaces were also off and they had a different outfit on as well. Two yellow sun dresses with pretty flowers all over.

In alternating words as fluid as a sentence spoken by the same person they asked. “Which one is Grace?”

I looked at them as I tried to stop my laughing, I really didn't want to make them actually mad at me. So far I think they were mad at themselves but if they thought I was somehow making fun of them who knows. They are way bigger than me and they are the real kids, not an enemy I want to make. Honestly I couldn’t tell for sure. Not with the glasses. As I got control of myself though the one on the left crossed her hands in front of her. She was hiding something. I waited another little bit so I didn't give away what I just seen. Then I stood and made a big show of looking them both over carefully before pointing to the one on the left. I wasn't sure I was right but whatever. I just wanted then to go away.

Grace growled and Faith exclaimed “It's not fair.” as they stomped off back up to their room.

Not twenty minutes later they came down again, in new outfits as well. Same glasses. I was really trying to read. This time they asked who Faith was. I didn’t make much of it as I really just wanted to read and with an eye roll pointed to the one on the right.

One smiled with a loud “Ha” as the other scowled and said “No, she did it on purpose so we would stop bugging her.” They both looked at each other. I could see them saying a lot without words and it surprised me. Ashley and I could do that but I never seen anyone else do it. These two were saying way more than we ever did. They walked back up to their room quietly.

Still with the “She” thing. I really didn’t know what to make of it. Did they really think I was a girl? Surely Kelly told them I was a boy. It seems like something that would come up at some point, right? What if they only took me because they thought I was a girl? That didn’t really make sense though. I trusted Kelly and she wouldn’t put me in a home just to have them kick me out when they find out I’m a boy. Even if she would, I think Kelly would have at least told me to play along or something. Thinking back, I couldn’t remember any time Kelly called me by he or him though. Kelly has all those files and records. She has to know I’m a boy. I seen her call boys sweetheart too I think? I tried to remember but I never really payed attention when she wasn't talking to me.

A part of me didn't want to know. If Kelly lied to these people than everything I thought I knew about Kelly was wrong. I liked Kelly, I really didn’t want a reason to not like her. How could these people think I’m a girl unless Kelly said I was. How could Kelly possibly think I’m a girl. Besides those files she has on me there's … There's nothing. Oh my god. There's nothing about me that says I’m a boy. The Lopez family knows I'm a boy. Surely they said so. They handed Kelly all my papers when I got picked up. Medical stuff and all my school stuff or what ever.

I'm a boy, everyone knows I'm a boy. That's why the other boys laughed at me in the boys bathroom right? Or did they think I was a girl who went in the wrong one? How can they think I'm a girl. I read boy books and like boy cartoons. I...

I dress like a girl, I wear my hair like a girl. I even act like a girl some, I just giggled and snorted at the twins. Sure I picked it up from Ashley but still. Boys don't giggle. I don’t like all the games boys play. I think most of that is because I'm so small but that's another thing. I'm too small to be a boy. Men are big and strong and I’m the same size as a five year old chinese girl.

I can’t read anymore. Taking the book to my room I just layed on my pink bed. Then I got up and took my shoes off. Made sure I didn’t mess up the bed cover and set them near the door. Which is another thing boys don't do. Boys are messy.

Some time later he heard Jessica come in. There was a bit of noise as everyone came to say hello. He knew he should go out and meet her and all that but he just didn't want to yet. She would be here all day after all. There is still plenty of time but right now he needed to think.

A couple hours passed and he was starting to get hungry. Eating three times a day was rather new to him but he had to admit he prefered it. His thinking was sort of productive. He made a few conclusions, at least he thought so. He wasn't sure about anything but for now it sort of became a plan.

Most of the time he was treated like a girl anyway. At least out of school. Ashley said girls were better. Ashley would know what to do. She always had a plan. He could tell them he was a boy, write a note or something. Ashley said it didn't matter what people thought. He usually agreed as long as they left him alone. Part of him thought it was funny when they thought he was a girl. It didn't happen too much at school. Well not until Ashley started him on braiding his hair. They teased him a little for that. Said he was in the wrong uniform and stuff. They always picked on him though, his braid was just the newest thing they decided was wrong with him.

He needed Ashley. She was his best friend, his first true friend. He admired respected and even loved Ashley. That was a surprise to him. As he thought about things he realised he Loved Ashley. He wasn't sure what that meant and he never loved anyone before but nothing better described how he felt about Ashley. About the only thing he was sure of other than he loved her is he certainly couldn't tell her he loved her.

He went through his thoughts one more time mostly to see if he could come up with a better idea. He didn't act like a boy. He didn't play with trucks or guns or sports or all that stuff boys did. He liked to do his hair so it was neat. He liked to read books. He liked it when he could shower every day and he liked to keep his room clean. Those were girl things. He wished people would use handsome or dashing or some more masculine words to describe him but even in boy clothes nobody said things like that. They would ask why he has long hair or why won't he play ball. Was he just bad at being a boy?

Being called cute and pretty and beautiful always bothered him a little because he wasn't supposed to be pretty. Aside from what he was supposed to be, he liked being pretty. Not so much pretty but he liked looking nice and a way that it made people compliment him for it. Even if they thought they were saying it to a pretty girl. He didn't really care if they called him he or she it didn't really change anything. In fact, people generally treated him better when they thought he was a girl. Boys didn't usually start to really tease him until they found out he was a boy. Why did they need to “find out” though. Shouldn't it be obvious?

This place wasn’t going to work out anyway. He was mostly sure of that. So he would be here for a year, maybe two, then everything would happen all over again. So what if they thought he was a girl, he would do what he liked and live his life. If that meant that for a year or two people saw him as a girl so be it. Eventually he would get a beard and all that adult stuff and it would work itself out even if it didn’t happen sooner. Besides it wouldn't take that long. Once school started in another few weeks everyone would know he was a boy even if he said nothing.

The only real thing was the clothes. Every new house he always got a few new clothes when he first got there. He outgrew the last set ironically shortly after he got there. Like his body knew just how much to grow to make them not fit and not a bit more. That's when Ashley gave him some of her old things. They were a little big on him, but she grew so much there was no way she could use them anymore. They use to be close to the same height when he got to the Lopez house. She outgrew everything and he grew just enough to fit her old stuff. Would they buy him girl clothes? He liked the pants better and a shirt was a shirt. Honestly the only downside to girls pants was they were for girls. Maybe he could let them buy him new girls pants and shirts, then when school started they would have to get him boy clothes. Or uniforms like the last school. That way he could have more clothes for out of school. Unless they got mad at him for buying the wrong clothes. That would be their fault, serves then right. Would they punish him?

He was going in circles. Surely they didn't think he was a girl. None of this mattered. They would probably send him away the first time he didn't want to go to their church anyway so what does it matter. When he gets back to the shelter he can make sure Kelly knows he is a boy and end this once and for all.

Maybe it was a cop out. Since he wasn't going to be here all that long he decided he wouldn't decide because it didn't matter. Sooner or later someone would figure it out. The best part when they did, he wouldn’t have to explain anything. And people wondered why he didn’t talk, not talking makes so many things so much easier. It didn't really feel right but he didn't know how to say “you know I really am a boy right, here I'll show you”. If he wrote a note saying he was a boy they would all laugh at him anyway, they know he’s a boy and he would just look stupid. Maybe they were just picking on him like the other places.

So if he was called a boy or a girl who cared. He would find out what they really thought when they got him some new clothes. They were just teasing him. This place was like all the other's, just picking on him. They were probably trying to see how long he would put up with it. When he said something they would all laugh and tell him he needed to cut his hair so he looked like the other boys.

Which ever it was it didn't matter. He kept telling himself that anyway. He wasn't sure if he believed it or not. That was the problem. If it was all settled why did he not feel better about it. He just couldn’t think of a better way without doing something drastic. If there was one thing he was not it was drastic. Would a real boy be drastic? Was he really wondering if he was a real boy? Enough of this he thought, it's settled like most of my life whatever happens happens and I’ll just go with it.

He actually felt better. So that was it. If they treat him like a girl than he could play along as a girl. They would get tired of the joke before he did. He was good at not showing things that bothered him to other's. It was kind of freeing actually. Now that it was decided he felt a lot better, well he thought it was decided. For the first time since he left the Lopez house he pulled out the braid book. He could be whatever he wanted to be and the world would put whatever label they wanted to on him and so what.

As he opened the book. There just inside the cover. Three of Ashley's drawings. One of them even used her precious colored pencils. Ashley never wanted anyone to look at them, much less give them away. She would sooner burn them. Did she forget they were here? No they were using the book way after she packed. She put them here in the back of the van that day, for him. They were so pretty. Places that might not even exist. He set them into the side of the mirror on the vanity and just looked at them. And he cried. He missed her so much. He loved her, maybe her giving these to him meant she loved him too. He wished she was here, she would fix this. She's not though. So he needed to be strong. For her, he needed to be his own shield.

Some time later he felt so much better, he could be himself...or was it herself. Just self he guessed. He paged through the book. He knew all of them but it was nice to see again. Some he could do himself well other's he had to work at. He decided he would do the most elaborate braid he could think of that didn't sound too crazy. Brush comb bobby pins and hair ties ready he even had his hand mirror next to him. He pulled the stool over to the vanity, the chair had a back on it and that would just get in the way. Brushing things out he went to work. An honest smile on his face.

There was a knock on his door saying lunch was ready. He was a bit surprised the door didn't open. The voice was new, it must be Jessica. He wasn’t done yet. Almost an hour later he thought he was finished. He looked it over from every angle and it seemed right. It was a bit complicated and would take forever to get out but that was alright. He had most of the back part of his head in a dutch braid but it was set off center and curved so that it fell across his shoulder down his front. The top part he split into six equal sections and braided them each into basic braids also curving to the right. When they were finished he wrapped them all around the top of his head like a crown. He twisted them into each other slightly mostly to keep them together. When it was done he really liked how it looked. He even had a loose piece on his left side to frame his face like Ashley and Emily did. It was something he never would have done before. Because this was pretty. No way around it, this was beautiful and pretty and only something a girl would wear. And that was just fine. If they were teasing him for looking like a girl than he would give them something to tease him about.

Stepping out of his room he felt alive sort of, like reborn. What ever happened now he was just going to do what he liked. He finally didn't care what other people thought. Before he just pretended he didn't care, he knew that now. Now it was real, he was really free to just be “self” whatever prefix the world wanted to add to it was fine.

“Hello, you must be Avery. I'm Jessica.” A woman said as she was sitting on the couch. The recliner open and books spread around her with papers everywhere. Not the books like he read these were school books. “Wow, your hair is amazing, did you do that all yourself?” She asked.

With a huge smile I just nodded. I was proud of my hair and knew it looked good. Amazing was just what I was looking for.

“It's beautiful, I wish I could do something like that. Your really good.” Jessica said.

She had medium brown hair and it looked nice in it's own way. Not nearly as long as his but nobody had hair as long as he did. She had a yellow button down shirt or I guess blouse on and some light faded stretch jeans with holes in them for looks. A black belt showed off her thin figure with the shirt tucked in as it was. She looked smart and casual. For a moment he wondered why he was paying so much attention to how she looked all the sudden. Maybe it had something to do with his new found freedom. He smiled a bit bigger at her “beautiful” comment and she returned the smile.

“I left your lunch on the counter for when you were ready.” Jessica said. “If you like I’ll get it for you but I'm kind of buried in here. She said waving to the assorted books and papers.

I held up my hand and shook my head to tell her to stay seated. I’d feel guilty making her climb out of all that just to take a plate from the counter to the table for me. Cindy was on the floor with a thin board and a bunch of crayons and coloring books. We waved and smiled at each other before I made my way to the kitchen.

I found the plate and then the booster seat. It was a cheeseburger and a small pile of chips. I found a glass and got some water and even put ice in it since it was all right there on the door to the fridge. One thing for sure, this house had nice stuff. I had just began eating when the twins came back downstairs. They were back in the blue top they had on at breakfast. When they noticed me both of them came over and sat down across from me at the table. Were they going to ask me which one they were again? They didn't even have the glasses on.

“Were sorry.” Grace said.

Well, that's not what I was expecting at all. I set down the burger and took a drink to clear my mouth.

“We were mean to you and you don't deserve it.” Faith said. The weird part is it looked like they both meant it. They started to do that alternate speaking thing again.

“We tried to trick you which was wrong. Normally we get away with it.” They said. “Well you made that fail in an epic way. More like catastrophically fail.” Switching every other sentence which was kind of hard to follow. “

“On top of that, we came back and tried to do it again. Twice. We knew we were wrong and we did it anyway. It was mean and we are really are sorry.” They both really did look sorry as they continued.

“What's worse is we knew you wouldn’t tell on us and that's probably the worst part of all. We were mean to you, we tried to have our fun at your expense and then we took advantage of you. We know you likely won't believe us and we can't blame you but we really are sorry.” They cast their eyes downward as they apologised together. “

Because we know you won't tell, if you want us to when mom and dad get home we will tell them what we did.” Looking up at me with somber eyes that also held a honest conviction to them.

Holy crap. They both really meant it, they meant it all. Once more, if I say yes they will tell their parents and get in even more trouble. I don't even think it's a trick either. If I say yes I think they will really do it. What they did was kinda mean sort of. Where I come from though it don't even show up on the radar of mean things to do. Try glueing someone's hand to the floor while their sleeping sometime. I couldn't get them in more trouble. The look on their faces washing the breakfast dishes was enough, they really hate washing dishes. As mad as their parents were when they found out about the pictures it's likely they will be washing a lot of them too. I just shook my head no.

Their faces showed surprise. “You don't want to tell on us?” Faith asked. I shook my head again.

Grace had to clarify for some reason. “When mom and dad get home, do you want us to tell them what we did?”

Again I shook my head no. I shrugged and waved my arms a little in my “It's not that big of a deal” type way. They looked at each other a bit then back at me and smiled a little. It was a little creepy how they did that. Like they moved the same way at the same time. The talking thing was a little confusing too. Do they like plan this all out in their room before they do this or is it really how they are?

“Thank you Avery, we owe you one.” They said and got up from the table. “And, your hair is way cool, one day you have to teach us. When we stop being stupid long enough for you to trust us anyway, were totally jealous. Did you really do that yourself?”

I gave a big smile and nodded. Yeah my hair is “way cool” I thought. They went back up to their room and I realised they came down just to apologise. This house was weird. People just don't do stuff like that. Nobody even made them do it. With a shrug I finished my lunch.

After lunch I tried the reading chair again. That lasted maybe an hour before once again there were two twins in the room. This time they didn’t stand in front of me they both grabbed the chairs at the computer and turned them to face me. I could feel their eyes on me and tried to ignore it. Somehow I managed to finish the page I was on. Setting the book down I looked at the two stalkers and raised my eyebrows to ask “What already”.

“Mamma asked us to show you how to work the tablet.” Faith said and Grace added “If now is a good time anyway.”

I was not going to get to read this book very much it seemed. It was kind of hard and I was making slow progress. I thought I was getting the hang of it but I kept getting interrupted. I really did want to know how that thing worked and I think the girls were trying to be nice to me. I could likely push them away but then how long would it be before they tried again.

“Find the good people.” The words from Ashley came to me. Well they did try to trick me with all that switching stuff. That wasn’t exactly mean but were they good people? The way they apologised was good. I don't think they thought they had to do it either. Did that make them good? Maybe this is the find part then. To learn if they are good or not. I nodded and set the book down then headed to my room to get that tablet.

When I came back out they were both still in the chairs and smiled and hopped with a little clap to their hands. I paused in confusion then Grace said “Sorry, we just like looking at your hair.” I fought back most of my smile and held up the tablet. “One day you have to show us how to do that” Faith added. I smiled and gave a slow shrug as if to say “maybe” when I was really thinking “not likely”.

They looked at each other and did a twin eyeroll. Faith darted off up stairs to her room and Grace said. “We um, forgot to bring ours down. A moment later Faith returned with two purple and sparkly tablets. It took a bit at first to find a place. The girls wanted to just sit on the couch but they would be too close to me. The kitchen table would be too big. Eventually we all knelt at the coffee table after clearing the stuff on it to the kitchen table. The girls on one side and myself on the other.

They showed me how to turn it on and charge it with a cord I found in my desk. They showed me the lock screen and what they called the internet search something, how to get more apps as they called them. Both seemed rather shocked and dismayed when I expressed no interest in all the music stuff they wanted me to fall in love with. They made me download the player anyway “You can't not have tunes” they insisted, even using their login so I had several ready playlists and songs. One of the playlists near the top was called “NO POS Girl Power.” With a questioning look they explained.

“Pos means Parent Over Shoulder.” Faith said and Grace added. “It's a bunch of really cool songs but if mom and dad hear them they get really mad and, well.” Faith finished. “Just don't play it around them.” in unison they finished with “Trust Us.” Which earned a giggling snicker from Jessica who was still on the couch.

So one “app” I won't use, but I did get a dictionary and a thesaurus which were way too cool. They even showed me how to make it say the words. This would help so much reading that ring book. Now I was excited. They tried to show me how to use the Kindle part. It had a ton of books but most of them needed money to read. I had these ring books for now so I decided that part could wait.

Almost as good as the talking words they found that one thing Mary used to find all those cool braid videos. There were tons of them and I could watch them all. The girls said there were videos here for anything I could think of. Testing this I did a search for something I thought would be odd enough. They raised eyebrows when I entered “Glue hand to floor” but I shook my head with a “Don't ask” expression. Sure enough there were videos of people doing way more stupid stuff with glue than just a hand to the floor. This thing was going to be fun.

A short time later I was again in the reading chair. The girls were on their tablets in the love seat on the far side of the room. Jessica was still on the couch. Most of her stuff was put away now and she just had one rather large book she was reading. Every time I came to a word I didn’t know how to say or what exactly it meant I would enter it into the dictionary “app” and have it read the word and definition to me. I was so excited and happy I even bounced a little each time. The word voice would make everyone look up. The first couple times they witnessed my glee I felt embarrassed, I almost went to my room. This chair was way more comfortable than my room though and after a bit, I didn’t care anymore. Let them see me this was too cool to not use.

Cindy decided she wanted to have a tea party some time later. She brought out three small chairs then filled them with a brown teddy bear a baby doll and a barbi. Then a little plastic tea set. It was rather cute watching her and when I finished a chapter I spent some time doing just that. She noticed but didn't seem to mind at all.

In all the other houses except the last one which was just Ashley and I if you found something fun you hid it. If other kids noticed someone would either start doing it too until it was not fun or broke what ever made it fun to begin with. I think that's why I started reading and Ashley drew. Most kids could care less if I wanted to stare at a book all day and a piece of paper and pencil was not all that attractive to the mean kids either. Once a bigger kid tried to take Ashley’s drawing and got poked very hard in the hand for the attempt. It even bled a little and left a small dot that never seemed to go away.

I was a bit lost in memories when my tablet beeped. It startled me and I twitched. There was something in the “notifications” the girls called it I think. I clicked on it and it opened the text messaging app. The girls tried really hard to make me like this thing. They showed me all the family in the contacts and said we could send messages back and forth to each other. At first they seemed confused. Expecting me to love this new way I could finally talk to other people or something.

Most people didn't know if I couldn’t talk or just wouldn’t talk and that was fine by me. It made it less likely they would try to “fix” me. People tried to get me to write things almost as soon as I learned how to write. Mostly I flat out refused. The girls knew I could read and write and type good enough for searching for things I couldn’t say I didn’t know how to do it, how to say I don't want to do it though. I had to write at school. They said if I didn't do it there I would have to go to a “special” school. The way they made it sound did not sound good. I did want to learn and writing did help me learn to read which was hard enough when I had to hide sounding out the words from people.

Group message Grace and Faith.

“Hi Avery” it said with a bunch of smiley faces and one with big lips that kept making a kissing motion at me. I frowned. Well this was going to get annoying quickly.

“What can we do to get you to type to us?” Followed by a bunch of faces again. Some crying some with hands that looked pleading.

I looked up at them again across the room and pouted. They pouted back. Did they think that because there were two of them it was more effective? Alright so maybe it was, but not good enough. I picked up the tablet again almost ready to just turn it off but my thumb hit the box to reply in and a keyboard opened up. If I typed anything to them they would never stop.

There was a weird button near the spacebar with a smile on it and curiously I clicked it. It opened a new keyboard sort of with all the faces they were sending me. There were pages of different ones. Some were kinda cute and some were kinda funny I had to admit. There was one with simple eyes and a zipper over its mouth. I clicked on it and it went into the little box. Then I clicked on another one with its eyes closed and a thin smile. I clicked that one also. Then seeing an arrow to the right I tried to delete them but it sent the message instead.

Instantly it showed up in the text above where the “conversation” was. I scowled and bounced with agitation even let out an audible whimper which made Jessica look over. The girls froze for a second then looking at me they smiled. Then the evil duo actually turned back to each other and high fived. Yeah, so rude.

I pushed the power button and set it back down. It beeped again a moment later. I thought I turned it off curse this thing. I pushed the power button again and the lock screen thing showed up. Then I remembered and held down the power button. It beeped again as the screen turned off. Testing it I hit the power again quickly but nothing happened. I smiled softly and went back to my book. I could see them typing but when they realised my tablet was no longer beeping they fell sullen.

I went back to my book but without the tablet for the hard words it was back to the slow going and not being sure I knew what was going on. The girls were still there. Seemingly back to doing whatever they were doing before my assault. Then there was a knock on the door.

Jessica got up and when she opened the door she pulled in two boxes. One was pretty big and another medium size one. She went outside and came back a moment later with the mail. She opened the smaller box and looked confused. Then opening the big box it seemed she figured out what everything was. “Avery, I think this is for you.” Jessica said.

Completely confused I got up. I never get things in the mail. When I got close enough it was easy to see. Jessica had opened both boxes all the way. The bigger one had several packages of my diapers in it. Both the girls and even Cindy could also see exactly what was in there and they were all looking.

Red faced with embarrassment I tried to pick the large box up but it was too heavy. Adding frustration to my emotions I quickly grabbed one of the flaps and started dragging it into my room. I didn’t want everyone to know I need baby diapers. My eyes watered and I was almost crying but I still had one more box to get.

I turned around and started to push the box farther into my room. When I heard a knock on my open door I froze. Couldn’t they just leave me alone, or did they come here to laugh at me. As I stood still not turning my shirt fell funny. When I drug the box in my shirt rode up and the top part of my diaper which came way higher than my pants caught my shirt and now it was easy to see. Everyone must have seen me as I came in here. I did not want anyone in my room. Grace and Faith stood in the door. Faith holding the other box. I looked at my vanity. I never bothered to put that stuff away and there was half a package of my diapers along with the powder and wipes. My eyes were red and puffy.

“It's okay.” Grace said as they stepped into my room. She moved toward me and started opening her arms as if to hug me until I jumped back. “We already know. They told us before you even got here. You don't need to feel bad, nobody will tease you at all we promise.”

Faith was not far behind. When Faith noticed the stuff on my vanity she started unpacking the box. Two more bottles of powder were placed as well as two boxes of small disposable gloves and a tube of what I would later learn was diaper rash cream. Faith took out a larger box that had a lot of packets of wipes in it and just set it under the vanity off to one side. She then began organizing the stuff on top of the vanity. She took the extra powder and a pack of gloves and stacked them on top of the box of wipes underneath. Then she moved the rest into a corner neatly. She took the open pack of diapers and removed the ones that were left. Then put them all in the large bottom drawer which honestly was a really good spot. She paused for a moment then opening the second somewhat smaller drawer took all the stuff she neatly organized and put them in. Then she tossed the empty bag of diapers into the trash can.

As Faith was doing that Grace grabbed the big box of diapers and drug it to the closet. Once open she quickly stacked all the diapers along the back wall. Faith seeing what she was doing took all the stuff out from under my vanity and passed it to Grace and all of that was quickly stacked into the closet. Soon every trace of diaper stuff was hidden away. I was still standing somewhat stupidly as my closet door closed and both girls turned to me with twin smiles. Grace placed the smaller box into the bigger one and pushed it into the hall. “See, nothing here to be embarrassed about.” Grace said.

I backed up somewhat sullen but already feeling better as I sat on the bed. My feet didn't come close to touching the ground and if I didn't want to lay back I had to slouch forward and hunch. They really weren't going to pick on me.

“Wow, these are really cool.” Grace said making me look up.

“Did you do these?” Faith added.

They were looking at Ashley’s drawings in my mirror. Ashley hated it when people looked at them but since she gave them to me I think she would be alright with it. Too late now anyway. I shook my head no. When they asked who did it took a moment for me to decide if I should tell them or not. I straightened my legs which made me ungracefully slip off the bed. That was fine, I wasn't feeling too graceful at the moment anyway.

Moving to my vanity I opened the top drawer and took out the braid book. I opened the cover and on the inside top corner was written. “To Avery and Ashley From Mary and Sofi.” I pointed to Ashley’s name.

“Ashley did these? Grace asked and I nodded.

“Is this the book you learned to do all those cool braids with?” Faith asked and again I nodded.

“Is it alright if we look through it?” Grace asked.

I must have looked a little worried. This was my most valued possession. This book as humble as it was represented so much to me. It brought Ashley and I closer together and almost got us two friends before we had to leave.

“We will be super careful.” Faith said.

Other than the swap thing they were being really nice to me. And that message thing. Can't forget the message thing. I wanted to still be mad about that but I should have expected something. Every house has a way they think will get me to talk or write or well, I guess send messages. They didn’t do it to be mean. With a nod and a sigh I moved over and sat down in my desk chair. Grace pulled the stool over and the girls started looking at the book.

There were a few comments and pointing but they were not doing anything that would hurt the book. I didn’t think they would but there was no way I was letting it out of my sight. A few minutes went by and the pages kept turning. “This one looks nice.” “That doesn’t look too hard” and so on.

“Could we try some of these?” Faith asked.

My eyes went a little wide. There was no way I would let that book vanish into their room upstairs.

“We can do it in the living room. It won't leave the coffee table.” Grace added after my expression.

I wanted to say no. It was mine and I wanted to keep it. Then I remembered Mary and Sofi. If not for this book we likely never would have had what fun we did. This book was given to both Ashley and me. It was meant to be shared. Because I believed them, I had to let them use it. I walked over to the book. Both girls parted around me as approached. I closed the book and stepped back holding it to my chest as I turned to them. They looked a little sullen as I pretended I was going to say no. I tried to drag it out but too much of a smile came to my lips and they caught it. Once I knew my roose was failing I let the smile come and nodded yes. Their shreeks of glee was almost defining as they hopped up and down holding each other's arms.

Mostly to find a more quiet place I left them in my room and placed the book on the coffee table. I got my book from the reading area and my tablet and moved to the loveseat the twins usually used. They can't braid sitting here and I didn’t want to be that far away.

The girls rushed by to their room to return with two stools and hair brushes and ties. I watched for a little while. At first they tried to do their own hair but it looked really bad. After they got tired of hearing my giggling and laughing they finally decided they needed to do each other one at a time. They asked me a couple times if I would join them but we all knew I would say no so they didn't push it.

Seeing that most of the funny part was probably passed I opened my book and turned on my tablet. When the tablet started it started beeping madly. Both girls looked my way as I eyed them suspiciously. I had a new notification. “You have 19 unread messages.” I looked back and tried to scowl but they both turned away as if nothing had happened. Sigh.

I ignored the messages. I read some more and started to make good progress. The girls managed eventually to pull off respectable dutch braids. I smiled and gave a small golf clap which seemed to satisfy theme as they showed off their work to me. It took me a bit to do it the first couple times even to someone else when I started so they really did do well.

A couple days went by and things started to feel familiar. We would wake up and have breakfast. I was on toast and passing out plates. Honestly I was starting to like it. It let me pretend I belonged. Everything was mostly fine although it was still too early to actually think this was going to work. Jessica would come back after the adults went to work and do school study stuff most of the day. Once she even let Faith braid her hair as Grace braided Cindy’s. They couldn't do their own yet but they could do other's reasonably well.

Sometime after five Robert would come home and soon after Emily would as well. People would talk about their day and then Emily would start dinner. She usually recruited Cindy to help in some way and kept trying to drag me in as well. Toast was enough for me. I spent most of the day reading that ring book at least until everyone got home. When the nightly movies happened I even ended up sitting on the far end of the couch and watched whatever everyone decided to put on. Most of the time Cindy curled up next to Emily and fell asleep before it was over.

There was quite a long God speech when the twins tried to wear short shorts that they promised were only for at the house when they bought them only to be caught trying to sneak to the park in them. “A good christian woman does not wear such things. A good christian woman wears a skirt and shows modesty at all times. Your tight jeans are tolerated but those shorts go way too far and both of you know it.” Emily said. There was even a threat of burning them and I'm not sure if it was just a threat or not.

I thought thursday would be the real day. Jessica would not be there and the twins would be in charge but nothing really happened other than too much of that POS music on the big speakers in the living room. The music was rather catchy and maybe if it was not so loud I might have even liked some of it. They would dance a lot and kept trying to drag Cindy and I into it. We mostly hid in our rooms.

Friday Emily said she would be home early and to remind Jessica. Apparently I needed another shot for some reason and had an appointment for twelve thirty. Emily tried to comfort me saying that this shot would last three months instead of one. I shrugged having no idea what the shot was for. After that if I felt alright we were going to get me clothes.

This entire first week nobody once referred to me as a boy. I was still confused as to how this happened but was mostly positive both Kelly and the Nelson’s thought I was a real girl. The more I thought about it the less likely it seemed that Kelly would intentionally tell them I was a girl and she surely would have told me something about it. Wouldn’t she? I might doubt it if I could remember a single time Kelly referred to me as a boy but I don't think there was one.

Now I needed to either commit to this house as a girl or find a way to tell them I was a boy. For a moment I thought I could text them but that idea kind of went nowhere. I was up to eighty something unread messages now and really didn't want to add that stuff to my life. I was fine being called a girl. Being treated like a girl in a lot of ways was better than being treated like a boy. Girls were never asked to move stuff or play games hitting people.

The problem I was having now is that I’ll need to go to a store and actually buy girls clothes. Not only that but I had to like it and be happy about it. Girls were supposed to like shopping and all that. Shopping never really bothered me but I didn't feel that I “liked” shopping. Maybe because I never had any money. I like my clothes anyway so it can't be too big a deal. Just more tops and skinny jeans. I like the way girls jeans feel better than boys pants anyway and it's not like I'll be picking out bright pink shirts with glitter stuff all over them or anything. All it likely means is I won't have to wear my flower butt pants as much.

***

Knowing we had to leave today I moved my after lunch shower up a bit and it was sometime just after nine when I came out of the bathroom. Old shirt over my hair so it could dry and fuzzy robe with matching slippers and all. The robe and slippers were waiting for me when I got around to looking in the dresser.

The twins ambushed me on my way to my room. “Did you use lotion? Grace asked, again. They have been telling me I needed to use some of that lotion every day or I would look fifty when I was twenty. The last three days “Did you lotion” ugh. With an eye roll I turned and went back into the bathroom shutting the door a little harder than I needed too. “Were going shopping today” one of them said. “You’re getting new clothes, you need to be at your best.” Said the other.

I suppose they were right. Also girls do use a lot of lotion. If I'm to play the part of a girl I guess I need to do it right. I opened the cupboard next to the toilet and looked at all the lotions. I just grabbed the first one I seen and with a pump started to “lotion” myself. When I came out the twins were still there. They actually came up and sniffed me.

“She really did it this time.” Grace said and Faith nodded.

I glared at them both.

“You can act all tough girl but we know better. In a week you won't be able to stand your skin without the softness lotion gives you.” Faith said.

“We won't check any more if you solemnly promise to use lotion every day.” Grace said and Faith agreed.

I looked both them in the eyes and nodded once not really caring one way or the other.

“No, a real promise. One you intend to keep. Your word on it.” Faith said.

“It may seem silly, but it really is important. Like the conditioner for your hair. You wouldn't wash it and not use conditioner would you” Grace added.

With a sigh I had to say no. I was reluctant about the crazy hair washing stuff Ashley and Mary made me do at first but now I realise how right they were. Maybe this was the same thing.

Softer and more serious now Faith asked. “Do you really truly promise to use a lotion every day. It's not that hard and you really will like it.”

I looked at them again and this time when I made eye contact and nodded I did mean it. Both girls smiled and giggles a bit. Okay this was too much and I’m mostly naked and wet. With the biggest eye roll I could manage without hurting myself I darted past the guard and towards my door. “Were just looking out for you Avery. It’s our job as big sisters.” they said as my door closed.

When my hair was dry enough I did my basic braid. I figured if I were trying on clothes than simple was best. Likely it would get messed up pulling shirts on and off if they made me try shirts on. I had the better of my jeans on that didn't have the flowers on and a simple light blue long sleeve t shirt. This was my favorite outfit not like it was much. I had my ratty shoes on and everything ready to go and it was barely eleven. I think I was actually excited to go shopping. Maybe it was the girls excitement rubbing of on me. Anything about getting clothes got those two excited.

Not wanting to get into the book just to have to stop I ended up going to the living room and just sat on the couch. I figured I could watch braiding videos on the tablet until we had to leave. “You have 97 unread messages.” sigh. Cindy was in her room playing with her dolls and I just missed Jessica leaving. Since it was going to be a short day she wanted to do some other things. I only heard half of what was going on but it wasn't any of my business anyway.

The twins came in and sat on their loveseat. They were up to something, They seemed to always have a plan and at the moment I would bet my hair it had something to do with me. I tried to keep watching the video but I could see them over the top as they turned to look at me. Pretending not to notice I turned the sound up a little louder. As my video ended it began.

“Avery, we need to tell you something.” Grace said.

I looked up and killed the screen into sleep mode. They had a fairly serious look on their faces. I don’t think I’m going to like this.

“We don't think your going to like this.” Faith said.

“But we like you and we want to be friends.” Grace said.

“A friend would tell another friend what we need to tell you.” Faith said.

Their approach was frustrating. Obviously they were going to say something and I was not going to like it. Whatever it was they clearly did not want to say it. This was worse than the apology was. At least then they just got to the point. I tossed out a small facial glare to get them to the point.

“Okay, we should probably just say it.” Grace said. They both looked at each other and for once it seemed neither wanted to talk.

“You remember those um, boxes that came for you the other day.” Grace continued. How could I forget. There was only one time I got boxes and those were my diapers. I slowly nodded. I thought everyone already understood all that.

“Well, with all those things.” Faith said leaving the sentence hang hoping Grace would pick it up like they often did, but not this time. “In your skinny jeans, they kinda show a bit.” Faith finished.

“They show a lot” Grace said very ungracefully. “It’s not like super obvious. Like at a glance nobody would really be able to tell.”

“But when anyone takes any time to look at you, things look a little off. Which makes people look a little more.” Faith said.

“And then, everyone would likely guess what type of underwear your using.” Grace finished.

I froze, I looked at them mostly stunned. When I first got these I tried to see if you could tell but it was too hard to and I just kind of forgot about it.

“We didn't really want to say anything because we didn't want to hurt your feelings.” Faith said.

“You weren't really going anywhere anyway and everyone here already knew.” Grace said.

“When we go to get you new clothes though. We thought you would rather know now from us than have some jerk say something at the mall.” Faith finished.

I set my tablet on the couch and got up quickly heading to my room. I used the big mirror on the closet door and my hand mirror. Looking for it now it really was obvious. From the front and from behind. I didn’t even need the hand mirror. All this time. Everywhere and everyone totally knew I had this huge baby diaper on. Even that girl on the seesaw knew. Sure the shelter was different. Everyone there had problems but if I would have went to school or really anywhere. Everyone would know. I don't have any other clothes.

The twins followed me into my room after a minute or two. I looked at them with watery eyes. I could feel them getting red and I was almost crying.

“We have a plan little sister.” Grace said.

“It's our job to fix stuff like this.” Faith said both with warm smiles.

“At first we thought you could use some of our clothes but well, there just no way they would fit and that would just make everything worse.” Grace said.

“Cindy however, is almost the exact same size as you.” Faith said.

“If you want we can find some of her clothes that will hide your diaper” Grace said with a wince as she said the diaper word.

I waved her off to say it was alright. They were diapers, there's not really another word for them. It's not like they didn’t know all about me needing them anyway. Well except the extra bits I had inside it.

“Do you want to try that?” Faith asked.

It took a moment for me to really understand what they were asking. Wear the clothes of a five year old girl to the mall. I nodded yes as I sat down in the desk chair. I figured it wouldn't hurt to at least see what they had in mind. If it was too crazy I could just wear my pants until I got at least one outfit. I really didn't want to wear my pants to the mall knowing what I know now.

Both girls rushed from my room and a moment later I heard them knocking on Cindy’s door. If I can't wear pants though, the realization of what the girls must be thinking hit me. “No not that” I thought. Maybe five minutes went by before they came back. With a few items in their arms.

“You might be as tall as a five year old, but we don't think you really want to look like one.” Grace said.

“Sadly all our options come from well, a five year old.” Faith said.

“When we go shopping we will totally help you find stuff that makes you look older.” Grace said.

“You kind of need to pick one of these until we get more stuff though. Unless you want stuff with disney princesses on them or sparkles. You would look so cute in those if you want.” Faith said as they laid three items on the bed for me to choose from. She looked up at me with a questioning smile with the last part. As if asking if I really did want to look like a 5 year old princess...I shook my head no.

They were all dresses. Really that's my option. That's their big plan, a dress? I had already guessed as much but thinking it and seeing it are not really the same.

“We know you don't have any dresses. By the look on your face your not likely a big fan of them either.” Grace said. “Unless you become like the only girl wearing baggy pants though. Dresses and skirts are your best bet.”

Faith added. “We didn't bring any skirts because most of her tops are for a little kid. Also if you moved wrong in them than you would show like when you pushed that box around. Have you ever worn a skirt or dress?”

I quickly shook my head no. I was a boy until I got here. I was going to try and ask what was so bad about baggy pants but the dual grimace they put out as they said it was that it would be very bad. Everything they said made sense. I hated it but it made sense. I thought I could just be a normal girl wearing jeans like most kids did most of the time. I either put on a dress and really be a girl or I find a way to be a boy. How bad can it be to wear a dress anyway. Emily always wore a skirt or dress and even little Cindy did more than not. The twins had lots of skirts and dresses too. I guess this was just part of being a girl.

It was a lot easier to think all that before I actually stood up and looked at my dress options. They all looked like little girl dresses. Like something a five year old would wear not surprisingly. I was going to look like a little kid in these. Worse yet I realised that not only did they want me to wear a dress but because baggy pants and skinny jeans were not options, they wanted to help me pick out more dresses and skirts.

“This is a skater party dress.” Grace said. “The skater part is because the skirt is like this. It's fun to twirl in and stuff. Just don't do that around people unless you want them all to see your panties.” I wasn't sure if I liked them saying panties or diapers better but it didn't really matter. Cindy would look cute in this dress and it was a nice shade of deep purple with short sleeves.

“This one is a princess dress.” Faith said. “It has no sleeves and we didn’t think you would really like it. The top part is a little stiff compared to a blouse and the skirt part flairs out a bit more than i think you would like. It's more a casual nice dress. It would be really easy to accidentally show your panties in this because the skirt part starts so high up just under your ribs.”

I think I liked panties a little better than diaper. This one was a darker green with really large gold flowers randomly placed on it. I could see that the skirt was more puffy too. I had to agree I didn't think that one was going to work. What would I do with a bunch of skirts and dresses if those were my only clothing options. Should I just text them that I'm really a boy? Call this all off and just go back to the shelter?

“This is a sleeveless summer dress, like the ones we wore when we tried to trick you.” Grace said. “The top part is a lot like the princess dress but not so stiff and not as hot either. The skirt is also cut mostly the same but this one is a couple inches longer and the fabric won't puff out so much.”

It was red with little white polka dots all over it. The skater dress looked the most basic and was the only one to have real sleeves. But this one seemed a little more grown up with the little dots. I didn't really have a lot of choices however. I wasn't really looking before but nothing Cindy had worn since I got here looked like anything i could use and not look five. Likely these really were the best options. Looking over at the mirror again and seeing the outline of my diaper mostly made my decision for me. If I didn't dress like a five year old I’d look like I was diapered like a two year old. I picked the red one. The girls took the other dresses back to Cindy’s room and I locked my door.

They were trying to help me, not tease or pick on me like most of the other houses. Or ignore me like most people at the shelter. If I went back there Kelly could find me another house and I could be a boy again. It would be boring again in the shelter but there were books. I would get another house and maybe it would be nice too like this one. Just with me as a boy next time. Or It would be bad like most of the other's.

I thought I was standing there trying to make up my mind when I realised I was already mostly naked and trying to figure out how to put the dress on. It was very easy to put on. The problem was I couldn’t do the buttons in the back. I could braid my own hair but buttons were to hard. It seemed cruel. I kept telling myself I was just trying it on, seeing how it looked or just how much I would hate doing all this. Then I would tell them I'm a boy and this would all be over.

I had to wear this I get that but I can't even dress myself alone. With a sigh I opened my door to see both girls standing there. I was holding the dress to my chest with one hand and both girls smiled.

“Need a hand?” Faith said. “Grace owes me a dollar. She said you could braid like that so you could do the buttons, I was right.”

My pout grew deeper as I backed away from the door and turned so one of them could do my buttons. When she announced she was done I sat in my chair and pushed a foot back into my shoe.

I propped my leg up to tie the laces when Grace said very loudly “Um, You might want to do that a bit differently.” To emphasize the point my dress slid down my elevated knee and showed off my partially wet diaper to all three of us. The twins turned away and I grew as read as my dress. I set my foot back down and bent over to tie it. This was going to take some getting use to.

“As you can see.” Faith said. “Wearing a dress or skirt takes, a little special attention you need to keep in mind. Be careful how you sit.”

“When your outside watch out for wind too, that can be really bad. That dress is light too so it won't take much to push it up and show everyone everything.” Grace added.

This is going to suck I though. Emily always looked so elegant in a skirt and part of me wanted to see if I could learn to be like that. Another part of me was terrified that I would forget and show the world my diaper. We went back into the living room once my shoes were on and they gave me a couple pointers on how to move in a dress. How to sit and not wrinkle it and stand and they even told me how to get into a car but then remembered the car seat. They said there really wasn't a good way to do that. Emily would just pick Cindy up and put her in most of the time. I really did not want that to happen.

When this was over I would go text them and end this. It was nice while it lasted anyway. At least I didn't have to go through the whole “God have mercy on you” stuff. Yeah any minute now, I'll end it.

I could swear that when I walked I could hear the diaper crinkle but when I pointed to the diaper and cupped my ear then walked by the girls both said no. I swear I could hear it but even if I was just imagining it, it wasn't loud. In a store or anywhere with any kind of noise I don't think anyone could hear it, I hope. Trying to sit “like a proper lady” the girls called it again when the front door opened and Emily walked in. She noticed me right away.

“My don't you look so precious sitting there so pretty Avery.” Emily gushed at me. I liked compliments but that could have just as easily been said to a puppy.

“Is that one of Cindy’s dresses?” Emily asked. “Were you playing dress up?”

“Not really mama.” Grace said. “We were trying to find a better solution to, um.

“Better conceal things” Faith finished.

Emily smiled. “Well, what a wonderful solution. I wholeheartedly approve.” Emily practically beamed. Remembering the short shorts talk, the idea that I just might wear more skirts and dresses was definitely something Emily would be all about.

“I'm proud of you two for looking out for your little sister like this girls.” Emily said.

“Does this mean we don't have to do the dishes every single time?” Faith pleaded.

“No.” Was Emily’s simple answer which received rather well done puppy eyes by both girls to no avail.

“Avery, I should have asked sooner.” Emily started. “I should have said something about the pants myself sooner too.” Emily paused a moment. “Do you have a way to, carry your supplies?”

I looked a bit surprised. Before who ever the mother was normally put a goodnight or two into their purse for me. These were too big for that and I need the powder and wipes too. I shook my head no.

“Well I guess we can just put some in a bag in the car for now.” Emily thought it thru. “I'm sure we can get you a small backpack or something today as well then.”

Emily started getting everyone moving so we could leave soon. A brown bag was sat next to me and I went to make a travel pack. I liked that name better than diaper bag which is what it really was. I knew I needed to stop this but even as the idea and what it would take went on in my head, my body moved on getting ready. I wanted to stop this, needed to. I can't buy a bunch of dresses. This is ridiculous. Yet I didn't stop it. I didn't want to not have sisters. I didn't want to go back to the shelter and be alone again. “Just a bit longer” I told myself, somehow knowing that after a bit I would tell myself the same thing again. This will surely end when school starts anyway.

Before too long we were all in Emily’s suv. The car seat was a real pain. Not sitting on the dress wrong was bad enough but then I had to pull it up so far to lock the belt. Emily told me to roll it so it wouldn't wrinkle. She showed me on a similar dress Cindy insisted she needed to wear. It was very much like mine only it had puffy sleeves and sparkles on it with mostly pink everywhere. After seeing it, the dress I was in didn’t seem too bad at all any more. Actually as childish as Cindy looked it made me look older by comparison even if we were the same size.

The doctor was quick. A nurse asked me a bunch of questions most of which didn't make sense. No my chest didn't hurt and no I didn't have any hair growing in new places and no I haven't had any pimples. It was really odd honestly.

I had to loosen up my diaper for the shot. They took some blood for tests and that hurt the most. We spent more time in the waiting room than anything else. Then we were back in the car. Emily asked if I still wanted to go shopping today or if we should just wait for the weekend. Now was fine, the fewer times I had to dress like this the better. I didn't like feeling like a little kid.

I haven't been to a lot of malls but this one seemed big. Because it was friday there were a lot of people here too. For a bit I was almost looking forward to this even in the dress. The twins kept talking about how fun it was going to be. This was their world. Some of their excitement was rubbing off on me maybe. No less than two nurses said how cute I looked at the doctors. It was a different cute though, the cute of a little girl looking like her mommy made her all pretty. I sort of wanted to tell everyone I braided my own hair and I was a big girl not a little kid and then I thought how silly and not big that sounded. Not like I would have done it anyway.

When I realised I wanted to tell them I was a big Girl, the idea of saying anything faded as confusion came over me. It bothered me way more to be perceived as a little kid than as a girl rather than a boy. It didn't seem right but the more I tried to make myself mad about being looked at as a girl the more I realised I didn't mind at all. In a way I might almost like it. Like it's a trick or game were all playing only I'm the only one that knows about it. Did I want to pretend it's a game, or do I actually like it? Why would I think something like that?

For some reason up until we were walking into the mall I didn't realise that both the twins were wearing long “modest” skirts and simple long sleeve tops much like their mother. I guess I was thinking too much about myself to notice. I wasn't sure if it was out of sympathy for me or to suck up to Emily in hopes of winning a few more points to end the dishes discipline. With a shrug I selected the former. As we got closer to the doors Emily put her hand out and Cindy took it.

Emily started to reach for me as well but then said. “Please. Stay close to me. I know your not a little kid and I may be paranoid. Just, please?”

She really was asking. Did she expect me to run off or something. Did something bad happen at the mall maybe. I nodded. I really didn't want to end up lost in the mall anyway. There really were a lot of people in here. I found myself staying closer to Emily than I think I needed to. If we had been holding hands I don't think I would have been much closer. The first store we went in was Kohls. Grace grabbed a cart and Faith led the way. The rest of us followed in their wake.

Once we got to the girls section I really started to feel lost. Like totally out of my element. I really have no idea what I'm looking for at all. Emily called the twins back and told them to stay closer and reminded them this was for me and not them. This was good. I really needed these young fashion apprentices to help me. I need a lot of help. The twins quickly abandoned the cart to Emily’s care.

Grace started. “First she needs cammies and, do you want tights? They kind of make you look younger but maybe it will be easier if, um...the wind picks up.”

I mostly shrugged. What the heck is a cammie? Tights? At least I know what tights are but do I really need those. She has a point about “the wind” I guess but I have no idea how much stuff I'm going to get. Before I knew it two packs of “cammies” were in the cart. They looked like tshirts with thin straps. I picked up a pack and looked at it.

“Those have really long bottoms.” Faith said and when I looked like I still didn't understand added “So you can tuck it in and even if you bend over it stays tucked”.

That's a really good idea. Okay I guess I need cammies. The packs were all different colors, white and black as well as green blue yellow and not just one, but two pink. Grace came back with several tights and showed them to Emily. She looked at me and I gave my “I have absolutely no idea” shrug. Emily held up two fingers. A white pair with black polka dots and a black pair with white polka dots were added before Emily said “Give her at least one plain white pair.” Said pair promptly flew into the cart. Two packs of socks in as many colors as the cammies also found their way into our cart. They were the short ones that only covered what your shoe did. Emily also tossed in a pack of white dress socks with little lace on the tops. If either of the girls had put them in I’d have taken them out but it's her money I guess.

Grace was off again and now Faith came back with a lot of somethings in her hands. “Which ones of these do you like” as she dropped the pile into the top of the cart. Taking a few out she held them to me. Bras, she brought bras. I looked at her with wide eyes then I looked to Emily in hopes of her saving me.

Before Emily could even start to talk Faith said loud enough for both me and Emily to hear but not the rest of the store. “I know you don't “need these” but we were talking. Clothes in your size are just not going to look too grown up all that much. If you don't want to look like a five year old the easiest way is to have boobs.”

Cindy actually stuck her tongue out at Faith. Faith looked to Emily. “Mom, I know what your thinking and your right but seriously. These are just training bras with formed cups. Avery is short.” She turned to me with a quick “sorry sis” before back to her mom. “If we don't do something to make her look a little older she is going to be treated like a little kid too, she’s almost nine. It won't be too long before she does need these.”

That's what you think I thought. Emily looked at me and Faith started again. “Avery, what do you want. Little kid clothes or a bra and maybe look older than Cindy.” Turning to Cindy she added. “Sorry Cindy you know I love you, would you want everyone to think you were still two years old though? It’s the same thing.”

I looked at Emily who turns out was no help at all, she shrugged. Where was this parental wisdom they were supposed to have. All that wisdom and she shrugged. Was I really being talked into not just dresses but a bra too? This go with it idea of mine was really feeling like a bad call. I really wanted this entire conversation to just go away. There is no way I'll ever wear one of those. The fastest way to end this unfortunately was to just pick one quickly then I could toss it into a drawer and forget about it.

With a sigh I looked at the bras. I picked the two most simple ones a white and grey and with a look to Emily Faith tossed in a pink one as well. Ugh. They wanted me to be pink. Pink with a bra no less. This was not starting off well. I don't want a bunch of little girl dresses and skirts, and I certainly don't want a pink bra. I also really didn't want to look like a five year old.

As the twins ransacked the store bringing stuff to us and taking back the rejects we managed to meander our way around. There wasn't much we liked though. We only ended up with a skater skirt which was just like the dress I was almost wearing. At least it was black. They tried to put a pink one in but I quickly took it out and hung it on the closest rack. Grace groaned as she took it back and I just smiled. Small victory but a win nonetheless.

The other stuff was in packages but Emily insisted I try on the skirt. Faith said to just put it over the dress and that would be good enough. Apparently Emily just needed to make sure it wasn't too short or tight. Being in a dress wasn't an overwhelming obstacle I guess. It took a bit of time but when I came out of the little room I learned I had it on backwards and pulled it up too high but that was fine. Emily asked if she could check the waist. I was really uncomfortable with all of this and she regressed to asking way too many yes or no questions instead.

After wearing a dress to the mall where I got to choose my first bra, picking out a black skirt wasn’t too bad and was actually kind of easy. We payed here and bags in tow we made our way into the mall proper. How many stores could they put in one place that sell girl clothes. I soon learned that answer, a lot. As a boy we would go to say target. I would be told to get like four pants and maybe seven shirts. Some socks and we left. That was it.

Two other stores down and one jean skirt they called a “paper bag” style and I learned if their not pants it's called “denim” It had four large buttons up the center of the front that didn't actually work like buttons, just for looks. The waist was elastic but it had two “denim” flaps that I now know should be in a bow not a knot at the waist. I was starting to actually have fun. The girls kept bring us things as we slowly worked our way around.

Grace brought a dress in a peach color. Emily fell in love with it. It looked suspiciously close to pink to me but I had to admit it was peach. They called it a skater dress. I think that is only because of the skirt cut or something. It seemed a lot of totally different dresses were “skater”. The top was very different. It had thin straps but just to hold it up. The shoulders were not exactly sleeves they came out and covered the top part of my arms on the sides once Emily told me that's where they were supposed to go. The inside part of the sleeve was missing. Like I had a short sleeve top but if I raised my arm you could see my armpit and underarm. The sleeve fabric came over the front in sort of ripples of cloth to give it “texture” Emily said. They flowed in one piece all the way around my shoulders chest and back. I had to admit it was pretty and when they made me try it on I did not look five anymore. After seeing myself in it even I kind of wanted it. No idea if or where I would wear it but it did look really nice on me. Yes this pretty feminine girls peach dress looked really nice on me and I liked it.

Leaving that store is where it really started to sink in. I really was having fun. I really did like looking at all the clothes. They were all girl clothes and I didn't care. I liked some of them, didn't like most and it was fun.

We found the food court and we all realised we were hungry. It was way past when we normally ate lunch. We had simple burgers and fries and Emily even let us get a soda.

We went into plenty more stores much like we had done before lunch. We found another of those skater dresses. This one had normal straps over the shoulders and the front would have been simple looking except it had two rows of really large gold buttons on each side and a belt with gold buckle at the waist. When I tried it on the belt was way higher than I was use to having a belt but everyone said it looked good and was supposed to be like that. Neither the belt or buttons did anything but the dress would have been boring without them. Emily said we could get it but try not to only buy black anymore, this dress was only in black.

We also found two “midi” pull on circular skirts. By now they all realized I had no idea what the different names for all this stuff was or what they meant and were more than happy to educate me. The midi part meant it should come down past my knees and if it were a maxi it would go to about my ankles like what Emily was wearing. The circle part was because it had enough fabric that if you were to lay it on the floor it would make a flat circle. I liked all the extra fabric it didn't seem to be as easy for me to mess up and flash my diaper to everyone, same with the length.

I agreed to a red and a light blue one. When I wasn't looking a pink one also found its way into the cart. It was hidden mostly under the other two and I thought about taking it out but before I had decided they were showing me other things so I let it go. Maybe if I let them buy this one they will stop trying to get me in more pink.

It was quite some time after lunch and I realised a problem. Most of the time when I changed my after lunch diaper I also took a shower. So that's when I would try and poop. It was the best way to keep clean and not have to deal with the mess too much. Today my body seemed to acknowledge my set pattern despite my current location not being home and ready to shower. I really don't want to poop in the mall, I'll just hold it we can't be here much longer anyway.

We found this long sleeve maxi dress that was mostly aquamarine, with large flower print all over it The flowers were huge gold and black with traces of purple in them. I liked the long sleeve part and being a maxi it would be easy to keep my diaper hidden. Emily insisted I try it on and I had to admit it was comfortable. It did go all the way to my ankles and this was probably the first outfit I have tried on that I felt covered in. We also found three more maxi style skirts that seemed to be Emily’s favorite. They all had some dark floral print on them and so I picked a dark purple one. Emily added a dark blue and red one as well.

Emily announced that we really needed to focus on tops now. Most of the ones they showed me were tube tops, tank tops and crop tops. I felt I had enough of stuff without sleeves and kept saying no to them. They also seemed a little too much like little kid for me. Even with the cammies they also left my belly open and I really didn't want my diapers to show.

With Emily’s announcement I realised that indeed we didn't get any tops at all really. I needed to poop badly for some time and it seemed we still had a lot of shopping to do yet. I started to feel dread rising within me as well as the urgent need to potty. I was either going to need to use a public bathroom or poop my diaper in public. Neither seemed like a good choice. The next few minutes I was mostly distracted and was not paying all that much attention to what the twins were bringing. Fortunately they didn't bring anything too crazy.

We did get some basic long sleeve round neck tshirts. White red blue purple green...and they added a soft pink. Another almost t shirt but with ruffles on the ends of the sleeves which were more baggy than normal and a long ruffle that ran the length of the sleeve. We got a purple one and a blue one of those. I didn't bother protesting the pink.

I tried to wander around a little away from Emily pretending to look at stuff. I put off trying to find a bathroom too long so the choice was made for me. I needed to poop and it was going to happen here and now like it or not.

When I was mostly hidden from everyone behind a rack of shirts I let myself relax. Emily could still see the top of my head but nobody else was around. The moment I stopped clenching my body took over. My feet parted a little and even though I tried to stand normal so hopefully nobody would notice what I was doing my knees bent a bit and I hunched forward a little. My bowels pushed and I could feel poop pushing out into my diaper. I was even sticking my butt out like a little toddler as I messed my diaper. Like that toddler I couldn't stop if I wanted too. At least It was mostly firm. It mostly formed a clump into my diaper. Mashing into whatever shape my diaper would allow it to take.

When the worst of it was over I absently reached around to feel it. I was worried it was sticking out like a tail or something. It felt weird. I never pooped a diaper like this. I always did it just before I changed. This felt very different. Oddly it didn't feel nearly as nasty as I would have thought it would. I started to page through the shirts pretending to look at them as my body pushed the last of my poo out. Trying my best to pretend nothing had happened.

Emily came over to me with the cart and asked if I liked any of these shirts. I just shook my head no as I tried to think of what to do now. My “travel pack” was in the car. Was I going to try and go get it, just walk around with a messy diaper all day? If I stood in one place too long I could get a trace of the smell. I smelled like a baby with a messy diaper. I drifted around a little trying to think of what to do next as the twins brought back more things.

A bell sleeve lace top also fit my “need sleeves” mantra, sort of. It had sleeves but they were large like well, like bells. The chest part was also open and it felt too big when I tried it on but Emily said that the shoulders fit well and that's how it was supposed to be. The shoulders were all lace that you could see through and the round collar had a little bow in the center. They seemed long enough in the back but the sides were higher than the waist of my jeans. I would definitely need those cammies for these tops. I was starting to get the feeling that all girls clothing was either skin tight stretch stuff or so loose and flowing that it didn't feel like you had clothes on at all. It was very different. We got a purple and red one as well as green of these.

After we left the fitting room Emily called over Grace. I couldn't tell what they said but Emily handed her the car keys and Grace bolted off. When that happened I didn't really need to know what they said. Emily came up to me and leaned in as she whispered “Grace will get your bag. We can pay and meet her outside the store.”

I was glad she didn't ask me if I pooped myself or even worse, check me like the baby I felt like. I just nodded shyly. Hoping to end this conversation as fast as I could. Apparently everyone knew I had pooped my diaper. Cindy even came up to me and said “It's okay” with a cute little smile.

I was so embarrassed but everyone just went on like everything was normal. I didn't think they would tease me especially with Emily there but I expected a comment or something. Soon we were outside the store near a bench waiting for Grace. It took her a few minutes as the car was on the other side of the mall. Cindy and Emily sat and Faith drifted around looking in windows.

I just stood with my back to the fountain not wanting to sit and mash my poop into my butt. With the water of the fountain flowing I added my own flow into my wet and messy diaper. Most of the time I didn't even notice when I pee anymore beyond a half passing thought. With so much focus on the contents of my diaper the warm wet puddle that quickly faded as it soaked in somehow relaxed me. They didn't care at all about this. It was just a normal part of me and who I am.

After the initial shock of what I did wore off the mess I made didn't bother me as much as I would have thought it would. Sure it wasn't exactly pleasant or comfortable, but not nearly that bad or gross as I expected. Honestly it was way less uncomfortable as what pooping in a public bathroom would have been like.

When Grace got back we found our way to a family bathroom. It was occupied but after a couple minutes a woman came out with a little boy in a stroller. If I didn't use my diaper I wouldn't have been able to wait for this private restroom. I would have had to use the public girls restroom. Changing my diaper in one of those would be bad enough but when I had to carry it out and throw it away everyone would see. Emily handed me my travel bag and offered me help if I needed it which I quickly shook no to.

I looked at the baby changing table but no way I would fit on that. A quick thought of myself falling off flashed in my mind. Not to mention there wasn't exactly a lot of room on it even if my weight didn't tear it from the wall. I normally laid down to change but no way I was going to lay on the bathroom floor. I took some paper towels and set them on the floor. I thought about covering a huge spot and laying down but that just didn't seem like it would work.

Instead I kneeled down sort of like I did when I pooped in my room before I took a shower. The skirt from my dress was a bit of a problem but I pulled it up tight and tucked some of it into the top of the dress which mostly kept it out of the way. If I didn't move too much anyway. I had the bag open. Set the diaper and powder off to the side and opened the wipes. Finally ready I made sure the dress was tucked and still kneeling on the paper I lowered my butt till it was almost on the floor. Undoing the tapes I let the messy diaper fall the last couple inches to the ground with a slight wet thud.

I probably used way too many wipes but it wasn't nearly as hard to clean myself as I would have thought. If it were runny it would probably be really grose. The smell was stronger than I was expecting too. Now wonder everyone knew. Who did I think I was hiding this from. I remembered when some of the toddlers in some of the houses I was in would hide behind the couch and poop. I would chuckle and wonder what they were thinking. Everyone knew what they were doing, I had pretty much done the same thing and just like those toddlers I didn't fool anyone.

I used a bit more powder than normal and even spread some on my body. I wanted to make sure the smell was gone so I not only powdered my diaper area but a bit higher on my stomach and upper legs as well. I probably smelled like a baby that just had a diaper changed but that was way better than smelling like a baby that needed a diaper changed.

After throwing everything away and washing my hands very well I finally made sure my dress was hanging right and left the restroom. The bag now sans diaper was much smaller and Emily took it from me and fit it into her purse. She asked me if everything was alright and I just nodded yes. She smiled and thankfully everything seemed to be over now.

We were soon moving on to the next store for yet more clothes. I felt way better with a clean dry diaper on again and in no time I was once again having fun shopping much to my surprise. As uncomfortable as that situation was now that it was over it felt liberating in a way. Part of why I never really wanted to go anywhere was because I never wanted to need to use a public restroom. Now, I didn't need to, and my new family was completely fine with that. Also, I liked to shop, imagine that.

There was a tshirt with an embroidered heart on the stomach. If not for the heart it was a normal long sleeve t shirt. I wasn't too happy with the heart but the twins put a green one and a purple one in the cart anyway. I lost much of my will to fight some of their more girly choices. Apparently I did have a vote just, everyone seemed to have veto power anyway.

Cindy found these “tunic tops” that were like t shirts at the neck and shoulders. It had ¾ sleeves that opened with loose ruffles. It wasn't too flashy but the extra fabric made it kind of cute. The lower half of the shirt opened up kind of like that bell top from before. The front came down to my crotch but the back came down to a couple inches above my knees like a cape. I really liked these because of the way it covered things. I thought I might be able to get away with jeans with it. We got a red, light blue and a green one. I wish they had purple. Maybe the best part of girl mode is I can wear purple now, which is my favorite color but does not really say “boy”.

Emily concluded that we should have more than enough now to at least dress me properly and that it was time to move on. To which both girls chimed in unison “SHOES”.

So well next, I got new shoes. They were white and nothing special sneakers. They were girls but they didn't scream girl, I think my dress did enough of that. Emily made me pick out a pair of sandals too and as a tribute to Ashley they even had a wide two inch heel on them. The twins talked me into something they called flats. They were cheap so I ended up with a black and white pair of those. Emily also said I needed some nice shoes in case I wanted to go to church. I had long given up at this point. If she wanted to buy stuff I was not going to wear so be it. They were shiney and white also with the wide two inch heel and a little strap that buckled to hold it in place. I was shocked when I realised I now have five pair of shoes. I never had more than one….ever. In fact I now had more clothing than I think I had for at least the last four years of my life.

We were mostly done when we passed a teen accessory shop of sorts. The twins quickly remembered my travel bag. We did find small backpack purses. Cindy really wanted me to get the Hello Kitty one that was white pink and way too shiny. Eventually I settled on a black one that the tag said was real leather. I was surprised when I noticed it was forty dollars and Emily said I could get it. She asked if everything would fit and I nodded. I could easily fit two diapers in the big back area and the powder and the whipes would fit in the next biggest pocket. There was still another smaller pocket on the front if I had anything else I needed to carry like money or keys. Not like I had either of those.

On the way back to the car Grace asked me if I had a nightgown. When I nodded no, Emily seemed shocked. She asked what I slept in and just shook my head and shrugged. So we made one last circle. They showed my like fifty different nightgowns but they all looked ugly. They came down to my ankles and just looked like a really long baggy t shirt. On top of that most had really childish prints on them. It wasn't long before everyone was getting tired of me saying no.

“Alright Avery, how bout vintage?” Faith said as she showed me yet another gown. It was long and a soft cotton that was almost shiny. It had ruffle things that covered the shoulders and sort of acted like sleeves but were way too short. There was a little lace around the open neck and back as well as around the bottom about four inches above the end. I wasn't liking anything I was seeing but with all the time we spent here it was apparent I was not leaving without something to sleep in. I finally agreed to the “vintage” as it did come in purple.

As we were heading up to pay, we passed something that sort of looked like a bathrobe. Only it didn't have a belt or pockets or even a collar. It was woven with an almost loose weave. Emily said it was cute and would be nice if I got cold or when we went to the movies because it was always cold in there. Wow I’ve never seen a movie in a theater, did they do that?

Asking if I wanted one I picked a dark grey. When I tried it on there were slits on the sides that came up to my hips so that the back was like a shirt with a cape on the bottom and the front flaps I guess you would call them didn't really stay together. I guess if I were sitting and cold I could put them over my legs. This was the only thing I honestly picked out all by myself. It was like a thin loose trench coat that you didn't close. I'm sure there's some special girl name for it but heck if I knew what that was.

Looking back on the experience as we got everything packed into the car it was all kind of a blur. My feet were tired from all that walking. The other girls seemed like they could go again right now. Maybe not Cindy she seemed as tired as me. The amount of stuff they got me kind of stunned me. Emily must have spent a few hundred dollars today.

Arriving home Emily quickly announced that we would be getting pizza for dinner as it was already well after six. Had we really spent that much time just shopping? As we brought everything in bags were piled everywhere in the living room.

I grabbed a bag ready to begin the dreaded task of taking off all these tags and putting things away. Not long after I picked up the first bag though the twins attacked the pile and in a single trip everything was on my bed.

It was like on television when they put blood in the water and sharks started feeding. They never stopped talking about how they liked this and that or how cute I would look. At first I tried to help, it was my mess after all but they crowded me off to one side. Skirts and shirts all found hangers and a flurry of tags filled the trash can.

When they got to the socks and cammies they stacked them neatly in the lower drawers. When they opened the bras they looked at me and I winced. I think they saved them for last on purpose.

“So Avery, What do you want to wear?” Faith asked.

“You should give Cindy back her dress now that you have all this.” Grace added as she gestured to my no longer barren closet. Even all my shoes were neatly lined up on the floor in front of all my diapers. It really felt weird thinking “all my shoes”. I thought only rich people had this many clothes. The Nelson’s were not rich I don't think but they were not doing too bad either.

I looked over everything. It was one thing buying all this stuff. Now that it was here in my room. It was real. They just spent all this money on me and bought me all these girl clothes. So much for a few more skinny jeans and t shirts. When I put on Cindy’s dress part of me said it wasn't mine and it didn't count. All of this though, this was all mine. About the only thing I thought was going to happen when I got new clothes that was actually true was that it didn't look like I would be wearing my flower butt jeans that much. I was lost in my thoughts as the girls came up next to me.

“Not a bad haul little sister.” Grace said as they looked into my closet.

“So what's it gonna be, or do we get to pick something?” Faith said as she turned to me with big eyes. Grace took her bait and started to take out the soft pink midi circle skirt.

I gave a soft scowl with extra eyebrow wrinkle.

“What's wrong with pink?” Grace asked. “It would look so good on you with your skin tone. We all think it's probably your best color.”

I just shook my head with a firm no and stepped toward the closet which Grace evacuated to make room for me. I chose the “denim” skirt maybe because being jeans meant it wasn't quite so girly or something. Well it was still a skirt. Because I thought they would protest if I grabbed a basic t shirt I chose one of the t shirts with the ruffles that ran up the sleeves. I almost picked the blue one because the skirt was blue but then I remembered Ashley saying to use complementary colors or something like that so I took the red one. Not sure what colors went together but if it was wrong I'm sure the twins would tell me so.

Faith took out a pink cammie and when I looked to protest she stopped me. “You don't have any in red and you picked a red shirt, this is the closest to red you have. Nobody will see it under the shirt unless your bending over. I think you would rather show a little pink than not wear it.”

There was a truce on the pink as everything was laid out on the bed. When faith tried to take out the pink bra she sighed and swapped it for the white one and tossed that onto the bed. I just looked at them both. I may have picked out the bras but I had no intention of actually putting it on.

“Alright.” Grace said. “Go ahead and get dressed without it. Let us know when your done.” She finished with a smile as the two of them left the room.

I opened the door almost as soon as it closed and turned pulling my hair over my shoulder. Faith took the hint and loosened up my buttons, she even sang it for some reason. “Come on and loosen up my buttons baby.” Was she calling me a baby or what was that about, they did weird things like that sometimes. I just kind of stepped back into my room not really wanting to know.

Once the dress was off I put on the other clothes. First the pink cammie, then the skirt and even tied it in a bow rather than the knot like when I tried it on. This skirt was not like most of the other's. I didn't notice when I tried it on but there was not that much room in it. I could walk fine but no way I could run in it. Should have a slit or something I thought. I tried bending a lot. Way more than I thought I would ever have reason too, sure enough the cammie stayed tucked. The thin straps would take some getting use to but they would keep my diapers hidden and that's all I really care about.

The girls knocked on my door but I wasn't done yet. This was the first house where unless I opened my door it stayed closed. So far what Emily said that first night was true about privacy. I put the red ruffled shirt on and stood in front of the mirror. These were my clothes. They might have picked them out but I had final say, unless it was pink anyway.

Here I was dressed in my new skirt and was this a blouse or a shirt. Well either way, it was not a boy's anything. I figured I would finish it off and grabbed a pair of red socks then slipped on my black flats. They were like slippers but a little tougher. Kind of reminded me of ninja shoes in a way.

Looking at myself again I really did look like a girl. A little girl. Maybe not four or five like in Cindy’s dress but more five or six. The girls knocked again. I guess it had been a bit I kind of drifted looking at myself. I guess that's a girl thing to do. With a final look and a sigh I opened my door.

If their smiles were any bigger I think they would have hurt themselves. “You look so cute.” And “I love it.” came out of their mouths but their smile didn't move. Pushing me back with their presence they came back in. They closed my door and had me look at myself in the mirror again. Grace went over to the dresser and took out the white bra I had put back in there. I really didn't want to put that thing on. Why did I need a training bra, I would never have anything that thing was supposed to “train” me for.

Faith started talking first but they kept switching like they did sometimes. I was getting use to it but it's still borderline creepy.

“You look wonderful.” Faith said.

“Just hear us out.” Grace said.

“Look at yourself and guess how old you look.” Faith said.

“I bet she did that already.” Grace said.

“Please, humor us and take your tops off” Faith said.

“And this one time, try this on. Humor us now and we won't try again if you hate it we promise.” Grace said.

“We will help show you how to put it on so it fits right.” Faith said.

When I failed to start undressing they sighed together. Even with the skirt they would still see the top of my diapers and I really didn’t want that. It's not like I had boobs or anything but still.

“We know everything your wearing Avery.” Faith said.

“That's why we helped you pick out all these clothes so other people wouldn't know.” Grace said.

“Do you really think we are going to laugh or tease you or something?” Faith asked. I had to shake my head no. They might get all kinds of schemes and plans that involve me, many I wasn't exactly fond of. I really didn't think they would be mean to me though.

Even that switching thing they tried that first morning which they thought was mean, it was just a joke they liked to do and nobody really got hurt. Well except Emily and Robert. They were really mad about the pictures. To them the girls lied to them, each time they looked at those pictures to them it was another lie.

Grace started. “We did have a lot of fun shopping today, and we know you did too.”

“Not just because we love to buy clothes, sure that helped. We did it because we want you to be our little sister.” Faith said. “You needed clothes, you needed them to keep your secret.”

“We helped because it's our secret too Avery.” Grace said. “Your here and you're an honorary Nelson now. That means your problems are ours and we all help each other.”

“This is part of that help.” Faith said picking up the bra off the bed. “Give it a shot and try it on once. You'll see.”

With a sigh I surrendered. I pulled off the shirt and set it on the bed. Then with another look at the twins and a larger sigh, I untucked the cammie and reluctantly pulled it off as well. The top of my diaper was completely showing and unmistakable. It was easily more than two inches above the top of my skirt. The padding part was just a sliver above the skirt but the extra top part that I'm really not sure why is there to be honest was all showing though. I think I blushed a little and I used my arms to cover myself. Eventually I looked up at the girls. They looked happy. Not giddy smiles or jokes or even the smallest snicker. This really didn't bother them. They took it as part of who I am and that was that. Slowly my arms fell to my sides.

Faith held out the offending bra to me. Grace went into the drawer and took out the pink one.

“Don't worry you can use the white one. I'm just getting this one to show you how to put it on.” Grace said.

With almost a whimper I took the white bra. I looked at it a moment. I never actually held one of these before. Much less owned one. I even pushed in on one of the “boobs” and faith let out a small giggle. I glared a little but let it go. I suppose watching me inspect the bra did look a bit silly.

When it seemed I was done looking it over Grace began the lesson. “When you get use to it you can teach yourself how to do the hooks behind your back, but for now let's just do it the easy way. You want to hold it like this. See on my back, It's the same if I were putting it on backwards. You can also know it's right by the way the hooks are facing once your more use to it. Do the hooks, likely the loosest ones. There's only two so it's not bad. Some have three and even four and that can be annoying.”

I managed to spin it around behind me like she said and sure enough the hooks were not hard to do at all. I looked at her when I was done and she continued. She didn't actually hook the pink one because it was way too small for her but she did turn it around.

“Now that it's hooked, spin it around so the front is in the front.” Grace continued. “Then pull it up till it's somewhere low on your ribs.” She paused as I followed her instructions. “Now slip your arms into the straps, Yeah like that. Then pull it all the way up to about here.” She gestured to where her bra strap was at. “That's about right. Now pull the shoulder straps up and run your fingers along them so their not twisted, it sucks when they do that.”

Faith took the pink bra from Grace and came closer to me. “You want to adjust the shoulder straps so they are just tight enough to not fall off or it gets uncomfortable.” Faith said “They move like this.” Showing me on the pink one. “Can I do it for you?” She asked hesitantly. “It's really hard if you haven't really done it before.”

I was messing with the strap and no matter how I pulled or where I pulled I just couldn't get the thing to work. Maybe mine was defective. The pink one moved and it looked easy. I looked at faith as she offered to help. With a small wince I nodded yes.

She was very gentle. She fixed the height a little and I could tell she was trying her best to be as nice as she could. She was literally adjusting my underwear so there really was no way she could do it without touching me. She was making her best effort to do it as nice as she could though. Part of why I don't want to be touched is because once you let people touch you they always want to touch you. Letting Faith adjust my bra was something I never thought anyone would do but it didn't exactly open the door to casual touching all the time.

When she was finished I stood there for a bit and moved my arms around. It looked really really weird looking down and seeing small white boobs on my chest. They were totally empty everyone knew that but still. Probably the strangest thing I have ever seen. I even grabbed them. They flattened out but it was just so strange having boobs. Boys were supposed to like boobs and stuff. This was not how I thought my first time feeling a bra and grabbing boobies would be. Not by a long shot. The initial surprise faded a little. The bra felt very strange. Nothing a boy wears feels like this at all and it's definitely something you need to get use to. I guess that's why it's called a training bra. I didn't need to get use to it though. They talked me into putting it on. We would do their little test or show or whatever this was. I would take it off and that would be that.

“When your ready.” Faith said.

“Put your cammie and top back on and we can show you what we're talking about.” Grace said.

I guess I was done. These were mine now anyway. If I wanted to I could look at them all I want latter without the audience. I grabbed the cammie and put it back on. Almost put it on backwards but noticed the stamped tag as I pulled it over my head. Fixing it and tucking it well into my skirt, I again thought how unbelievable this all was. The boobs looked even more strange with the cammie on than just the bra. The shirt went on easy but it snagged on my new boobs as it fell over my head. I pulled it down and straightened it out. When everything felt like it was in place other than the weird lumps on my chest anyway I nodded to the girls I was done.

“Alright, come back over to the mirror and stand up tall and look again.” Faith said as both girls gathered near my mirror.

I did just that. I walked to the mirror still amazed at the new boobs it was like my eyes couldn't stop looking at them. Is that a boy thing or a girls first bra thing I wondered. I planted my feet in front of the mirror and lifted my head as I stood up tall.

Everything was the same. The same shirt the same skirt the same socks and shoes. The only difference is now I had new lumps. It changed everything. I couldn't believe it. Before I looked like a normal five or six year old little girl. Two lumps later and just wow. Now I looked like a short young girl. Not a little girl at all. Two little lumps and even being short I think I looked at least ten. Sure I looked short for a ten year old, but now nobody would guess I was five or six. It really was amazing.

Grace and Faith both had huge smiles. They could easily see on my face my total surprise. They were right. They were totally right. About everything. I turned a bit and looked at my butt. There was no way you could see my diaper there was also no way I looked like a little kid either. They said they had a plan and they totally pulled it off. I didn't look like some little girl who’s mommy made her pretty, I looked like a pretty young girl who is pretty all on her own. A girl on her way to soon becoming a young lady even. I looked older than I was for the first time in my life, even being so short. I finally looked close to my age.

“So” Faith said. “Were we right? Or should we pack up the bras and take them back to the store.”

Now they were teasing me. As much as I didn't like the bra. A part of me hated it in a way. The bra really made all the difference. Without the bra I looked like a little kid. WIth the bra I looked like a young girl. I was just supposed to be pretending to be a girl but now I have dresses skirts and a bra. On top of that I look better and more my age than I ever have. I didn't look like some poor kid nobody cared about. Not some weird boy with hair way too long because he wouldn't let anyone get close enough to cut it.

I looked like a young girl with a family, a girl that people cared about. It wasn't just the look though. These people did a lot of stuff today, spent a lot of money just for me. They put a lot of time and thought into how to best help me and make me feel better about myself. They really wanted to hide my diapers from the world as much as I did. They wanted me to feel like the world would look at me like something more than a five year old or poor kid in used clothes that didn't quite fit right. They just met me. It hasn't been a week yet. They really care about me. How can they care about a kid they just met?

“Are you okay?” Grace asked softly.

I was crying. Why the heck was I crying. Does a bra make you cry like a girl or what. I nodded to Grace that I was alright and tried to smile but it just made a tear fall down my cheek and I sniffled. Faith stepped out quietly and came back a few seconds latter with a freshly opened box of tissues and passed me one as she set it onto my vanity.

Grace looked really concerned. “We can take it off, everything will be fine.” She said.

I shook my head no adamantly as they offered to get rid of the bras. They thought I was freaking out because I hated the bra. That's not it at all. Why the heck was I freaking out? I really wasn't sure. I gestured to the mirror my pretty face now ruined with tears watery eyes and my nose was starting to run.

“You don't like the clothes? You don't like everything? What is it sis, we want to help.” Grace asked again trying to find out what was wrong with me. I'm supposed to be happy and laughing. I just had a really great fun day shopping. Grace was kneeling in front of me now. I could see she just wanted to reach out and take me into her arms and hug the hurt away.

Faith kneeled too and passed me another tissue. “Do you, is it” Faith started to say. Not sure of her words and perhaps afraid of making it worse. “Do you, um, like it too much? She said the last part a shade above a whisper. Fear of being wrong and making more of a mess of all of this than it already was, whatever it was.

With her whisper I nodded yes. It was true. They were being too good to me. Nobody ever did things like this for me before. It hurt that I liked it so much, that they were all so nice and that I had so much fun and so many new nice things. It all hurt so much. It hurt because I knew it would all come crashing down. Their god or church would ruin everything when I wasn't good enough for their god like before. Or when they found out that the pretty girl they wanted was a freak of a boy with long hair. They wouldn't want that boy. Nobody wants that boy. I don't even want that boy. Not ever again. I never want to be that sad pitiful excuse for a boy again. And I know. I know I'm not the girl in the mirror either. I know I'm not what everyone wants me to be. I’m not like little Cindy. A little girl everyone falls in love with and gets adopted like that. What am I. I’m nothing.

Emily announced that the pizza was here. The girls, my “sisters” for now anyway, looked at each other and had one of those conversations without words. They wanted to help me to comfort me and to make me feel better. They couldn't . They can't touch me. They can't hug me and tell me everything is alright. They can't listen as I tell them how I feel and soothe my worries. They can't because I won't let them. I locked them out. I lock everyone out and they just can't get in. They don't know how to help me because there is no way to help me. I made sure of that didn't I. Like Ashley said. I don't let anyone in and I am alone, alwayse.

“We’ll tell mama you need a bit of time.” Faith said. “Come on Grace, I think everything is going to be alright. She just needs a bit of time to get use to things.” With that the twins quietly left the room. Me now sitting on the floor tissues in hand crying in front of the mirror.

Why was I crying” I was mad. Furious even. All those bad people did all those things to the other kids and Ashley and me. They were all gone now. The worst things that were done to me though, I did all those to myself. I messed myself up so bad that the only way anyone cares about me is if they think I’m a totally different person. I made myself into such a mess that even when good people try to care about me, when good people try to help me, they can't. Because of how messed up I made myself they can't even if they want to.

Now. All that time. I never really understood what Ashley was really saying until now. Not all of it anyway. I thought I understood. I thought she was saying that over time eventually more people like her would come around. Few and far but they would come. Eventually maybe I could find another person or even two or three that I can really trust. After we really get to know each other. Something like that. What she was really saying though. I know it now and it really hurts. What she was really saying, as close as Ashley and I were. After all that we went through. I never let her in either. I kept her away just like everyone else. Just like I was doing now with Grace and Faith. The only person I ever totally trusted and I think might have actually loved. That wonderful, good person, I wouldn't even let them know me. Not really.

It's not that I just decided one day to be the freak I am. I don't really know how it all happened honestly. One thing, then another till one day people couldn't hurt me any more. Sure they could hit me or lock me up. Wasn't much I could do about that. I finally got to a place that none of that hurt me. Not any more. I wasn't safe, but I had protection. I wouldn't let anyone hurt me again. Not the real hurt. The hurt that is still there when the bruises fade or the door opens. I never realised that I also made it almost impossible for anyone to care about me either. Even I stopped. How could I know. Nobody cared about me for me to see what I was doing to myself. Until Ashley but by then it was mostly done. It was normal.

Now these people. These people care about me, for no reason at all these people actually care about me. What's wrong with these people. Why would they waste their time on me. They have a nice house and money and family. Why would they want to dirty all that with the likes of me and all my dirt and problems.

I’m not sure how long I spent on the floor feeling sorry for myself. Maybe twenty minutes maybe an hour and twenty minutes. The carpet was so soft I wasn't even really stiff. That thought made me almost laugh for some reason. I had stopped crying at least. That was something.

The real problem. Now that I can think again. I’m here. They think I'm a girl. They just spent all this money on me even. I'm still mostly sure it's going to go bad and end like all the other's. For the first time though, I really didn't want it to go bad. They called me sister and oh how I wanted so badly to be their sister. I'm almost positive they don't want a brother. With so many girls a boy would mess things up. Kelly likely couldn't have put me here if she knew I was a boy. So how can I stay here when they find out I'm a boy if things don't go bad first? I'm not very good at being a boy anyway. Maybe if I'm enough of a girl when they find out it won't matter? They already know I need diapers and I don't talk and I don't like being touched. None of that matters to them. Maybe what's in my diaper won't matter either. All I can do is hope. Such a dangerous word hope. That's all I have I guess. The thought made me shiver. Hope is so painful. Hope never works.

Everyone was really great yesterday. I went to the bathroom and washed my face so I didn't look like I was crying my head off. By the time I came out everyone had already eaten and the movie of the night had just started. They all said how nice I looked and then Emily let me eat on the couch with a tray and plenty of napkins so I didn't miss more of the movie. At least when I promised to be really careful, which I did. I didn't want to make a mess on their nice furniture at all, or my pretty new clothes.

Saturday morning I slept in a bit late. I just didn't want to wake up so I decided to shower early. No sooner did I get out of the shower a slip of paper slid under the door. “Friendly reminder to moisturise.” Ugh, wasted a perfectly good eye roll and nobody was here to see it. Alright, I did promise to use the lotion. Once my hair was under control I started going thru the lotions trying to find one that didn't have such a flower sweet scent.

All these have ether fruit flowers or oil scents. I really don't want to smell like a coconut all day. How many types of lotion are there, I think they have them all. There was another bottle on a higher shelf with a weird name. Estrogel 1.5 per. It was a much smaller bottle but there were two more unopened behind it so it can't be too expensive. I sniffed the pump and it didn't really have a scent.

Optimistic I read the instructions. Maybe this was hand made like some of the soaps we looked at yesterday at the mall. That would explain the small bottle. “Apply one pump to inner thigh once daily.” Score I thought, I can just use this and not smell like a field of wildflowers. “Only apply to clean unbroken skin. Let dry for at least five minutes before dressing. Do not rub in. Apply in one thin coat.”

Great, it won't even take that much time and I won't feel all slimy for like an hour either. I sat down on the toilet with the lid down and squirted a pump on one inner thigh and smeared it around. It said don't rub in so when it seemed like it wouldn't spread anymore I stopped. Then tried to rub the excess on my hands on the rest of my legs. Maybe this stuff just soaks in and moisturises me that way. With this being so easy why do we have all that other stuff? Maybe they just like all those smells. The others weren't bad but it was kinda strong. Thinking the girls might check even if they said they wouldn't I took a small pump of the flower one and did both my arms with it. Just enough to soak in fast. I did promise and even though I didn't technically do everything I felt my promise was kept.

Back in my room I opened my closet. For the first time I actually had choices on what to wear. I felt much better since last night. Nothing really changed but I felt better anyway. They were going to either kick me out because god told them too or find out I'm a boy eventually. When that happened they would either kick me out or keep me. I didn't know how to change any of that other than telling them I'm a boy. Considering how much they spent on my already they would likely be really mad if I did that. Also, I didn't wanna go. They were nice here and it almost felt like what I thought a real family would be like. The shelter was alright, but nothing there was even close to the fun I had here yesterday.

I really liked everything we did yesterday. I needed to start taking Ashley’s advice though. Baby steps I thought. Took a while to get this way, now that I know I can work on it. I know the way I think about some things is just messed up. I guess I kind of always knew that but now I can see how bad it really is, or part of it anyway.

I picked the aquamarine maxi dress. It fit me really well and I'm not too good at wearing a skirt so this one being long should make that easier. It had maybe half a dozen really large gold and black roses on it with purple highlights that were about as big as my head. Emily said it was really pretty. If it came in more colors she likely would have bought me more than one. The girls also said with my skin and hair it really brought out my eyes whatever that means. It had long sleeves and a long skirt so while it might be a bit much for lounging around the house it made me feel less exposed. Well sort of. Skirts have this way of making you feel naked even when you know nobody can see you.

Because it’s a dress I didn't need a cammie. The bra was another thing though. I could totally not use it and nobody would say anything. Just the difference was so drastic with and without it. I didn’t like looking five. With a sigh I grabbed the grey one. It took a little while to get it on right. I had to take it back off to loosen the straps a little and put it back on. It felt good enough even though it still felt odd. It wasn't digging into my shoulder anymore at least. These diapers felt really odd at first too compared to the goodnights but now I hardly even remembered having them on. At least this dress had a zipper. I had to start it from the bottom then reach around to grab it again but I did it myself.

My hair was not dry enough to braid but it wasn't dripping anymore so I let it hang loose and looked in the mirror. I was going to put the flats on again. They are easy and comfortable and I don't think were going anywhere I'll need to run. I don't really run anyway. Maybe because I was in a good mood. Maybe because I wanted all the girls to know I was grateful for all they did yesterday. I decided to wear the sandals instead. It was different walking with a two inch heel. It was a wide heel so I didn't totally fall over. Would take some getting used to though. Best to do it at the house than out somewhere I guess.

“My, your the lovely young lady today Avery.” Emily said. “We saved you some bacon and I’ll make a couple eggs quick for you.”

Most of my other houses if you miss a meal you missed it. This place was different. The thoughts about it ending tried to creep into my head but I pushed them out. Dropping a slice of toast in for myself I got the butter out of the fridge. Things felt familiar and I liked it.

After breakfast I was thinking of finishing that ring book but as I got up from the table I forgot about the heels and stumbled a bit.

Emily noticed as she was about to go tend the flowers in the front yard. “You know, I think we still have a book that could help with walking in those. It has a lot about how to walk and sit properly and maintain proper posture.”

I heard book and naturally wanted to at least look at it. When I raised my eyebrows in question she continued.

“Posture is very important for both men and women. Most men don't give it nearly enough practice as they should and most women are little better. It’s important, It shows confidence and helps in many ways.” Emily said as she moved to the bookshelf. “Here it is. It will show you the proper way to stand and sit as well as walk even in heels. How to carry yourself and draw the right kind of attention.” As she handed me the book she finished. “I made sure both my girls at least have the basics and even Cindy knows how to keep herself decent most of the time.”

I nodded my thanks and sat to look the book over. She smiled and headed out to the front yard. There were some interesting things in here. It looked like it was written a long time ago but I liked the way Emily moved. It was so nice it made you want to watch. When I decided I wanted to try some of the stuff I moved to my room. I didn't want to look silly if someone else came in.

I played with the things the book said for a little while. It was sort of fun. I decided I would work on it some. There was something to what Emily said. Some people just look like they have more about them than others. I think a lot of that could be the posture stuff and how they stand.

I spent some more time writing Ashley a letter until I heard lunch was ready. This was not the first time I tried writing her but I still mostly had nothing. Just stuff like “Hi, I miss you. Hope everything is alright.” I really didn't have much practice talking to people. Also now that she was gone and my thoughts about loving her made everything seem more complicated. I wanted to tell her and had some crazy wish that we would reunite and live happily ever after or some such drivel. Most of me thought that there is no way she could feel the same and I would just ruin what friendship we did have. So I started the same single paragraph crap a half dozen times before throwing it away, again and again. Maybe she will send me a letter soon and I can just react to what she says.

During lunch the twins were talking with Emily and apparently a friends mom was picking them up to go hang out over their house for the day in a little over an hour. After all we did yesterday I was a bit disappointed they were leaving. Most of their plans that involved me had a trick to them that I usually didn't like. They meant well though I think. Was I going to miss them? That thought seemed unusual.

When they noticed that I was wearing the dress they whistled playfully. When I turned to smile at them and they noticed the bra their smiles grew even more. They didn't mention it though thank god. I'm rather self conscious about it. Didn't seem right to have fake boobs and my arms kept touching them when they crossed my chest which seemed odd. How did those two manage with theirs which were way bigger. Not like what someone would call big but way more than my little “training lumps” Or even as big as Emily’s who’s were a size or two bigger than her daughters. I shook myself from my daze and Faith giggled at me. I had drifted off in thought while inadvertently staring at their chests.

I was sitting in the reading chair but rather than use the footrest I was trying to sit like that book had said. I had my legs crossed and even had my feet pointing the same way off to the side like I was suppose to with my shoulders back, arms in and faking a smile. That's what I liked best about this chair. It was low enough my feet could even touch the floor if I sat on the edge.

Crossing the legs was interesting with my diaper but if I made sure my legs closed and pushed my bits down more it wasn't too bad. It was easier than sitting with my knees together. The diaper made them want to open and at least this way my legs being crossed held them closed. It felt unusual but not uncomfortable. I guess it takes time to get use to. It felt odd sitting like this but at the same time it was comfortable in the sense that I didn't feel I needed to move much. Not the comfortable like it was relaxing being in the recliner.

The twins came back down with a bag of stuff they were taking with them. They noticed me and rather than taking their usual spot on the loveseat to wait, they shot a look to each other diverted to the chairs by the computer. Once my book came to a pause I looked up, slight trepidation in my eyes. I knew they had the better part of an hour yet and likely they were going to just watch television until what ever plot they were hatching came to mind anyway.

“Did momma give you that book she insisted we read way too many times?” Grace asked. I looked off to the side with a “maybe”.

Faith giggled a little. “Be careful, if she thinks she has a chance of it working she can be quite aggressive at seeing you utilize it to its fullest.”

“Once she gets started it's kinda hard to get her to back off again.” Grace added to her sisters warnings.

Thinking I was getting off easy I started to pick the book up. I was almost finished with it and really wanted to find out how it ends when Faith started again. “We’re really glad you decided to wear the sandals, they look so pretty. But.”

“If your going to wear sandals you really need to paint your toenails. Sandals make people look at your feet and if people are looking, you need to have them pretty.” Grace finished.

I almost said no right away. Even two days ago I would have. Between last night and my earlier trouble even writing a letter to my best friend made me pause. Sure it was a totally girl thing to have painted nails. Sitting here in a dress and bra with high heeled sandals on kind of killed the “for girls” excuse. I think my closet pretty much killed any excuse I might come up with for rejecting anything because it was “for girls”. I wanted to say no because they would be close to me and touching but after last night, I knew I needed to at least try to get past that some. Most of me didn't want to but a small part of me said I needed to. If I want to be a part of their family, be their sister than I needed to be a part of it. Not just live in their house.

There must have been too long of a pause because Grace asked “Can we paint your nails?”

“What's your favorite color?” Faith added.

Faith started to apologise when she realised she asked me a question that I couldn't nod an answer to when I quickly pointed to a part of my dress on my leg with the purple on it.

“Purple?” She asked and I nodded with a smile. “We’ll be right back.” With a flash they were up the stairs before I even realised I never actually agreed to anything. Well I think I was going to agree, maybe. I dunno but well now I can either go with it or find a way to back out. I really didn't want to freak out on them. “It won't hurt, just suck it up.” My head ordered my body.

Before I knew what was happening I was somehow relocated into one of the kitchen table chairs pulled into an open spot on the floor with both sandals off and Grace was stuffing pieces of foam in between my toes and Faith was using cotton balls to clean my fingernails off. I guess I was getting a matching set. It kind of felt nice so I decided to just go with it. The cleaning was repeated on my toes and they were holding up more colors of purple than I knew existed until they found the one closest to the purple in my dress.

It felt nice, It was a cool feeling and really soft. They held my fingers and feet as they did it which made me uncomfortable but I fought back my urge to pull away. They were being considerate and told me what they needed to do which helped a lot. It didn't take too long either, less than ten minutes. They checked the clock and said they should be able to put the sealant on before their friend Sara got there. I didn't really have long girl nails. They looked like kids nails to me. The polish did make me feel pretty though and I liked the feeling of the girls making me pretty. It reminded me of when my friends would braid my hair at the last house but not nearly as relaxing. I miss having them brush my hair.

Their friend Sara came in just as they were finishing my toes. Grace greeted her and Faith said to me. “Try not to move too much for like twenty minutes. Should be totally dry in less than an hour but It's best to be careful for a good while. Just leave the foam on the table and we’ll grab it when we get back.”

I pointed over to my book and Faith handed it to me. Then she pushed my chair to the table which scared the crap out of me. I almost messed up the polish right then but she didn't move the chair much. She even opened the book to my mark for me. The table was kinda too high without the booster seat but I dealt with it.

More than an hour had passed and I finished the book It was really nice. I put my sandals back on and was pleased when I noticed the rest of the books in the series were here too. This is the first book like this I read with more following. Most of the books were for people in first to third grade. This was kind of hard to read but the story was so much better than those kid stories. With the tablet I was sure I could read them all. Just not now, my eyes were tired from the book being so close on the table.

Emily came in while I was looking at the books. I heard her in the bathroom cleaning up and her phone ringing. I went to my room now that my hair was dry and started fixing it. I had just gotten most of the knots out when Emily came in, my door was open.

“One of Cindy’s friends mothers called asking for a play day.” Emily said. “They live just around the corner and I need to go pick her up. I'll take Cindy, and seeing your in the middle of something I think I can leave you here if your alright with that. We won't be more than ten minutes and Robert is in the garage if you need something before we get back.”

I just nodded. Seems everyone is having a friend day. Most of the time Ashley and I would just sit in the same room. Her drawing my reading. Most of the homes everyone kind of did their own thing. I was too young to really make friends and go anywhere. No “Play Day” for me whatever that was.

No sooner was my hair done and I was laying on the couch with the recliner open and, I was officially bored. Which was odd. I never really had a bunch of stuff to do but I never really felt bored much. Most of my day was just wasting time until bed and another day to do it again. School was nice when people left me alone because there was something going on all the time. Now nobody bothered me and I had lots of things I could do and none of it was appealing.

My nails kept catching my eye. They were all shiney and to me looked wet but they were totally dry. If not doing my hair would have totally messed them up. I kept tapping on one nail with the other. They were harder now and stronger. I liked that. I wonder why boys don't paint their nails. It seems that having strong claws would be a boy thing not girls. Scratching in a fight was not a boy thing but animals used claws and liking animals that were dangerous seemed like a boy thing. Wonder how hard it would be to get them long like some of the girls in the higher grades at school had…

Emily was right, It was less than ten minutes and she was back with another little kid named Janet. “Frozen Frozen Frozen…” Cindy and her friend Janet were chanting as they came in the door Emily in toe. I was confused until Cindy went to a cabinet under one of the end tables near the love seat and pulled out a dvd with Frozen on it. She waved it around proudly as Janet cheered.

“The girls want to watch their movie, were you going to use the television?” Emily asked. I smiled at the kids excitement and looked at Emily before shaking my head no. She noticed my hands splayed out on either side of me and the polish. I was kind of looking at them a lot and I liked the way they would shine out of the corner of my eye. “Your nails look very nice Avery, did you do that or did the girls ambush you?”

I looked up to the ceiling and where the twins room was and smiled again. “Be careful or they will have makeup on you next time you blink.” Emily said with a grin. My eyes got wide with that. I don't think I'm ready for something like that yet. Had I really just thought “Yet”? Did I want them to keep making me pretty? Yes, I think I do. That thought had my mind drifting until the movie was starting and the girls took up spots on the other end of the couch. The two of them were sharing the other reclining end together.

I never seen this movie before. Once I seen a movie called cinderella a while ago. It was the closest thing to this movie. As it played I decided this was way better. The snowman was way too cool and I almost cried when he was melting. The main girl in the blue has the coolest power.

Some of the comics Mary and Sofi brought over had people with powers in them. Most were to show me stuff about the samurai and ninja they said my hair reminded them of but those dragon ball stories had powers in them.

This girl was way stronger than those guys by like a ton. She made a whole castle with walls and a bridge and furniture in the time it took her to sing one song. Just crazy. Cindy and Janet were singing along to every single song too. Their spot on the couch didn't last long because for every song they were on their feet and singing along. They must have seen this a lot to know all the words so well. I never seen two kids having so much fun. I had a lot of fun too and I'm not sure if it was from the movie or watching them.

When it was over Emily let us have some milk and cookies. Cookies that I never seen in any of the cupboards before. I raised an eyebrow and looked around for where she might have them hidden and when I looked at Emily she just looked up to the ceiling and to the side smiling while avoiding eye contact. I had plenty of food here and they never stopped me from the random snack if I tried to get one, but knowing there were cookies around. I guess if she wanted me to have found them I would have but...cookies…

These girls were having so much fun I wanted to find an excuse to “hang out” in the living room. So I grabbed the posture book from my room and sat on the couch using it as an excuse to watch them when they weren't paying attention to me. The two of them had brought out some of Cindy’s baby doll dolls and were pushing them around in a small toy stroller and changing their clothes a ridiculous amount of times. No sooner did they get the dolls dressed than they would decide that the babies didn't need a nap they should be ready to go to the park or nice to have pictures taken. The only word to really describe it was adorable. Honestly I was a bit jealous. I never felt that carefree and relaxed to have that much fun when I was five.

When they started to get bored with the babies and it became “nap time” for them back in her room somewhere they came back out and Janet asked about my book. Cindy said it was the walking sitting book her Ema would look at with her. How do you say no to two five year old girls who you just spent almost an hour spying on. They tried to sit on either side of me but that was too much and I sprang to my feet. I settled for kneeling in front of the coffee table with the book. They were still too close but at least on the floor I felt I had an escape route if I needed it.

Janet asked a lot of questions and Cindy was very happy to know the answers to a lot of them. The two ended up pulling out two small chairs from Cindy’s room and Cindy started teaching Janet how to sit and stand and walk like her Ema taught her. I faded back to the couch seeing an opportunity to escape.

My freedom only lasted a few moments however before Cindy wanted her new big sister to show them how to do it. A third chair was added. I was a bit surprised Cindy called me her big sister. We were almost the same size and I'm really not sure which of us might actually be taller. Well I did have heels on at the moment… I was too flattered to say no. I just learned this stuff today though so it's not like I was any good at it. I had to do my “big sister” duty however. Reading again to make sure I did things right the three of us were soon practicing sitting and crossing our legs first to one side then the other. Then we would stand and walk around the coffee table and sit again and do it again.

There was a time when we each would do it alone and no matter how well or poorly we did everyone clapped and cheered. It was childish and a bit silly, and just so much fun. I didn't even notice when Emily came around and started making dinner. She tried really hard to not break the spell of our game. For a time we were at the big party in the movie Frozen we just watched. Thankfully they didn't try and dance with me but I clapped and smiled as they tried the ballroom dancing with each other for some time.

“I really hate to interrupt you young ladies.” Emily said. “But Janet’s mother will have dinner ready soon and I'll need to take the young princess home before she turns into a pumpkin.” The girls started frowning as soon as Emily started talking but their pity faces cracked at the pumpkin joke. They knew they wouldn't be able to puppy eye their way into extending the fun but a kids gotta try. It took way longer to put the now three chairs back into Cindy’s room as it did to take them out. A few moments later the three were leaving for the short trip to take Janet home.

Again I was alone on the couch. This time I was not bored and lonely though. I had almost as much fun as the kids did. With the posture book in hand I paged thru it again with new fond memories. Like the braid book this one too had brought people together more than one could have guessed. Hopefully we could do it again soon. Did I really have three sisters now? Kelly was right about this house it was wonderful. Will it be that way when they learn...No. I'll not think about that. I need to just enjoy this while it lasts for as long as I can. I need this. I had no idea how badly I wanted a family and now that I had one. Even if it was just pretend, I don't dare taint it with more thoughts of the end.

At dinner Robert asked me if I would go to Church with the rest of the family tomorrow. He even said “rest of the family”. I'm not ready for that and quickly shook my head no. I was expecting them to try and talk me into it. Perhaps bribe me or beg or just tell me I had to go and that was that. Nothing more was said though. They didn't bring it up again. Not even a unfriendly look at me for turning down their invitation to share their God with them. I don't think their God wants me anyway, best not to anger him by going to his church.

They would say grace before meals. Not so much breakfast as a group because everyone kind of ate it as they arrived. Each of them said it to themselves though even Cindy. They never once tried to make me do it. After the first couple days I would fold my hands at dinner when they would say it though. I don't believe in their god but it felt rude to not at least let them have their time.

I woke up to the sound of the television. I poked my head out still in my nightgown and seeing Jessica realised everyone must have already left for church. I decided to shower now considering the house was mostly empty. I either shower now or I would have to wait until my afternoon change so I didn’t waste a diaper.

Jessica stopped me on my way to the bathroom and asked if I wanted breakfast. I nodded yes and when she started to get up I flashed my hand three times hoping she would realise I needed a few minutes. I didn't want to sit at the table and risk my diaper squishing out if I sat in the hard booster. She nodded and continued watching her show. She must have started when she heard the shower shut off because when I went back to my room she was not on the couch.

I put on my black skater skirt and a white cammie and white t shirt with the white bra. Simple white flats as well. I felt a bit too fancy yesterday so went with the basics...I think anyway. Eating my oatmeal Jessica said the family should be back in an hour or so.

They told her they would come get me before they did the sunday Dad stuff. Wasn't really sure what that was but I guess I was going. I really hope it's not some church thing. Robert was kind of always doing stuff in the garage or paperwork on the computer. It didn't feel like he was hiding or anything but even being here a week already I didn't know how I felt about him. I was not exactly looking forward to “dad day” but like most things in a kids life I didn't really have a choice.

It was a lot harder to sit in this skirt than the one yesterday as I quickly learned when I got onto the couch. I would have to be careful of that. Jessica and I just watched television until they got back. She turned on the last half of some show on cable with a blond girl lawyer who dressed like a fancy rich girl. Everyone treated her like she was dumb but she wasn't. She had a lot of pink too and a little dog. Somehow the pink looked right on her and got me thinking about the pink in my closet.

When everyone got back they all seemed more happy than normal. Maybe that was because they all looked extra nice in their church clothes or maybe they just really liked church. Jessica and Emily talked a bit mostly about how well church had gone and catching up on whether or not the house burned down or some lesser issue.

The twins told me that Robert was taking everyone somewhere but wouldn't tell me what we were doing. Just a big matching set of smiles which I was not exactly sure if made me feel better or worse. When they told me “You should put a pair of your tights on today or maybe even pants with one of those tunic tops and jeans.” I decided I didn't like the smiles…

Not wanting to change again I did take their advice and grabbed the black tights with white dots. I tried putting them on like socks but that didn't work. Everyone seemed to be changing out of church clothes so even if I wanted to ask someone they were doing stuff. My tablet caught my eye on the vanity and with a shrug I tried youtube. Sure enough it was there and once I seen how they did it I felt a little silly for not just figuring it out.

They felt different but nice. I felt my legs and it was a different sensation. I decided I liked it. Being for girls didn't bother me at all any more. Something about the skirt and bra maybe stopped that from being an issue. It was weird, I felt like I had on pants but at the same time not. Checking in the mirror I noticed that even if I did show my diaper it was a lot harder to see. Still totally obvious but not nearly as bad as before. This skirt was as short as the dress I had at the mall and most of that was standing. I wasn't sure if I could go all day remembering I had a skirt on yet as it's still new to me. The tights giving me a bit of camouflage and made me feel a bit more comfortable. Besides, these made my legs feel really nice. I kept running my hands on them.

When I came out the rest of the family started to trickle into the living room. In more casual clothes. The twins even had on jeans. Sunday was not only church day and dad day but also house cleaning day. Everyone picked up after themselves so I wasn't sure what cleaning we were going to do. I learned soon enough.

Robert did the bathroom and Emily did the kitchen. The twins were dusting and vacuuming. Cindy had it easy as she had to make sure that anything that was misplaced got put back as well as empty the trash cans from the rooms and bathroom. I was glad that I took my diapers out daily so it didn't smell. I really didn't want her to have to deal with that. I was handed a pair of blue gloves and a couple rags as well as some spray can. I was to clean all the wooden furniture with the polish.

I didn't have to cover every inch of it, mostly just the tops. Taking the things off and cleaning it then putting the stuff back. The kitchen table was a little hard as it was so much bigger than I was but in maybe an hour everyone was mostly done. It was surprising how quick it all happened. Everyone just did their job and that was that.

We had a quick lunch after and everyone had fun teasing me with how much fun I was going to have but nobody would tell me what we were going to do. Even Cindy kept quiet despite my pleading eyes. Emily reminded me to bring my purse as we got ready to leave. Being dad day she would stay home. Soon we were all in Emily’s car as hers had the car seats and heading to some unknown destination.

The twins were way too happy. They kept saying how excited they were and I would totally love it and maybe they should blindfold me just for the big reveal. What! Thankfully Robert shot down the blindfold idea before it really got started. Points for him. I couldn't think of anything that I would like nearly enough to justify their excitement. Apparently it was “such a rush” and “too much fun” I was half expecting to pull up to a small plane and hear we were going to jump out of it, which I quickly decided would cause me to run far and run fast if it were the case.

It took a little while to get there but eventually we pulled into a large parking lot. I think Robert intentionally drove in such a way that I couldn't see the building. Being in the middle of an suv and strapped into a car seat that wasn't the hardest thing to do. Eventually we parked and got out. Robert took Cindy’s hand and the twins each took a side next to me as we followed Robert inside. The too happy to not be evil looks on the girls faces made me feel that their walking on either side of me was to latch on should I make a break for it. Yeah, even if we were not jumping out of a plane, something here was likely going to kill me I just knew it. And I was trapped.

It wasn't skydiving, not parasailing or even bungee jumping thank god. Go Karts. Holy crap go karts. When I could read the name of the place I figured it out. I stopped walking for a second and the girls started jumping.

“Ever been on a go kart before?” Faith asked. Wide eyes and a slow head shake conveyed my NO.

“Your going to love it, It's really safe. You get a helmet and everything.” Grace added to “reassure me”. Knowing it was something I needed a helmet for had a different reaction.

When we got in Robert asked me if I would try it and let me know I didn't have too. The look on the twins told me that I really only had one correct choice however. Against my better judgement I nodded yes that I would at least try it. Honestly it did sound cool. I might even be excited if not for the needing a helmet part. Faith took Cindy’s hand and the four of us went to go see the track while Robert got us the tickets.

There were some seats next to the track and even a couple televisions with different parts of the tracks. There even seemed to be another screen showing lap times and a leaderboard. The other people seemed excited. There was a group of older boys talking loudly with each other about the last race as they shared driving tips and the best way to take a turn. A table off to one side had a larger group with balloons for a birthday party. It looked like a kids party but they were all adults. Everyone was focused on the screens so I guess they were all watching their kids race.

Before I could finish looking around Grace called me over to a good spot where we could see the track. As I got closer I could start to really see the cars. They were electric so it was quiet. They looked clean and shiney and yes everyone had a helmet on. The cars were also fast. Like really fast. Not like fast for a go kart for kids fast but like fast as in crap that's way too fast fast. Fast like if they were to drive down our street they would be speeding fast. Fast like I have no idea how to drive and I'm gonna crash fast.

At first the idea of go karts did sound really cool. What kid wouldn't want to drive a go kart. I was even kind of excited. The helmet thing was a joke, they were just trying to scare me. Their not going to let kids drive something that you need a helmet for. Most likely the helmet was to make it feel more real or something if there even were helmets. I was so wrong. I wanted to try it but I don't know about this, these were really fast. I didn't want to crash and I didn't want to go too slow and have someone crash into me. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. My face must have given my doubt away.

“It's alright Avery.” Grace said. “It looks faster than it is and you don't need to go full speed.”

“You gotta try it though.” Faith said. “I understand why you might not want to, but if you don't...You know your going to regret it.”

“It's totally safe to.” Grace added. “You need the helmet but with the harness you can't really fall out and the cars are too low to really flip over or anything.”

“Also the walls have springs and stuff on them so even if you hit them it won't hurt or anything.” Faith continued.

“Yeah Faith hits the walls a lot” Grace said while poking her twin. Her comment earned a surprisingly wicked glare from said twin. Honestly I was impressed, and it was funny.

“Even Cindy’s going.” Faith said turning the focus off of what must be a rather entertaining story about her crashing. “Dad’s going to drive her, they got a special car for two people. You can go alone though.”

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go at all, the idea of Robert driving me around the track didn't exactly make me feel better or worse.

“Faith was right though.” Grace finished as Robert started to walk over. “If you don't try, you will wish you did.”

They were right. This was a cool chance to do something that did look like it would be really fun. Even if the cars did go a bit too fast, I didn't have to go that fast. If I didn't go surely I would hear how great it was from the twins for the rest of the day and wish I at least tried.

“Got the tickets. We have about a half hour wait yet.” Robert said as he came up to us. “You don't have to do this Avery, I know it might seem a bit much and it's alright if you want to sit it out. Don't let my girls talk you into it if you don't want to do it.”

I guess I must have still looked a bit nervous because he already asked me if I wanted to do it before he got the tickets. I looked up at him and tried to put on a smile I think looked fake and just nodded a yes.

“That's a girl, your going to have a lot of fun.” Robert said with a big smile.

I wish I was as sure as he was but looking at the grin on Cindy’s face I kind of believed him. If she was excited certainly it would be alright for me to at least try it. We killed some of the wait watching everyone race. I even watched the safety talk the workers give at the beginning of each race. Robert bought all of us some giant pretzels and we all gave him a look as he put mustard on his. All too soon it was our turn though.

Before I knew it I was sitting inside the car and one of the workers moved the seat all the way forward and even put some wedge thing behind it. He also added some blocks to the pedals and once the harness was on he made sure I could easily reach the pedals and push them down all the way. I could but if they were an inch farther maybe I would be able to get out of this.

After watching a bit I decided it was not going to be too bad. Everyone seemed to really like it and I seen some other kids not much bigger than me laughing about how great it was. In the car myself though I was having second thoughts and was almost ready to unhook the seat belt and get out when the guy started the safety talk. I looked over in the other row where Faith was turning around to see me with a big thumbs up and grinning eyes. I was the last car in my row with a person in it. I made sure I was last because this way if I go slow maybe they won't notice me. Robert and Cindy were next to me in the two seated car and Cindy was bouncing excitedly hanging onto the bar in front of her.

Before I knew it the light turned green and everyone started going. I hit the gas and the car rocketed off way faster than I was expecting. I got out of the starting area before I remembered where the break was and changed to that pedal. The car also stopped way faster than I was expecting. Cindy turned as they zoomed past leaving me behind. I pushed the gas again this time not quite as much.

The first couple turns I was getting the hang of it and I think I might have been going half speed even. This was fun. I'm driving. Holy crap I'm driving a go kart. Now that I was on the track it didn't seem as hard to see the turns and stuff as I thought it would be. After a couple more turns my speed kept picking up and I was loving it. When I went around another corner and noticed I was on the big straight away I hammered the pedal all the way down.

The car rocketed off but this time I was ready for it. I tightened my grip on the wheel and grinned. My eyes were huge with excitement and as I got to the far side at what must have been over a hundred miles an hour I didn't even slow down. I just leaned in and turned the wheel as sharp as I could.

I guess it's good that I wasn't really going one hundred miles an hour...The car spun out and I shrieked out loud with an Eeep! The back end of the car hit the wall that a moment ago was in front of me marking the end or the straight. It was kind of a loud thump but it didn't hurt at all. One of the workers looked a little mad and was waving a flag at me gesturing with his other hand to slow down. It took maybe a half second for me to realise I was not dead and then with all power to guns I dropped the hammer. Ready now and more than willing I was back in the race.

It took a few more turns to get use to the breaks and gas. I didn't hit any more walls but I kept slowing down way too much. I noticed I was only a couple more turns away from the straight away again. I started to try doing the turns like I had seen earlier watching the other people and some of what I heard people saying was running thru my head.

I almost shrieked again when a car zoomed past me on my left. I freaked out and hit the breaks a little when two more zoomed past. Those were the twins! They just passed me. Before the thought even finished in my head my foot was welded down and I shot off after them. Another turn and we were on the straight. I was starting to catch up. I don't know if my car is faster or just because I'm so much smaller but I gained a little on them. Coming to the end I went wide I put my foot over the break but didn't push it so much. I turned a bit slower following how the girls did it and what I had heard. Thankfully I didn't hit the wall again but I took that corner way faster than I wanted too. I didn't care, nothing can stop me now. I'm gonna catch them!

Every straight away I got a little closer. I lost some of it in the turns but my car was faster. I got em. I can just see the looks on their faces when I pass them like they did me. How great it's going to be when I win. Their going to be so mad. I pictured myself standing on some podium somewhere with a huge trophy over my head and the twins bowing at my feet. I could already hear them begging me to tell them how I can go so much faster than they can and how good I was.

I'm a natural. I bet I could be a professional. Maybe I could be some famous race car driver for a living. That would be so cool. Their getting closer now. I can feel it, the turns talk to me. A little to the left, then hug the inside. A little faster. Come out closer to the far wall. Keep the speed, tap the break for this turn. The big straight. Just a couple more laps and...My car started slowing down. So did the girls cars. Looking around everyones did. The end of the race announcement was going off. It was over, already? I sighed, a couple more turns found me pulling into the stall where we started again. Still behind the girls. Robert and Cindy came in a couple seconds after me. I didn't realise they were so close.

When all the cars were stopped everyone started unbuckling and getting out. I did as well. Alright, maybe I'm not a pro yet. Technically I was a lap behind them and all...but the first one don't count. They did this before after all. As we got out there were a lot more people here now. The place was almost crowded even. We met up and walked over to where we were watching when we first got in.

Everyone had a huge smile. Even Robert and Cindy. I think Cindy might get a cramp if she keeps that face too long even. They all turned to me and Grace started first. “So, tell me that wasn't one of the most fun things you ever did.” I couldn't stop smiling and just nodded quickly like a goofy fool.

“You were gaining on Grace, few more laps and you would have passed her.” Faith said.

“Only because you were slowing me down.” Grace shot back.

Faith laughed and even stuck her tongue out at her twin which got a very happy giggle out of Cindy. I even laughed. That got everyone's attention. They never really heard me make a noise much more than a sigh or small giggle. Never a full laugh. Can't remember when I laughed like that or ever felt this happy and excited. That was indeed a ton of fun.

“Can we go again daddy?” Faith asked and Grace followed with a “Please” accompanied with twin puppy eyes and folded pleading hands. Robert looked to Cindy who only added her own pleading hands and sad eyes. He turned to me and all I could do was match my sisters. Folding my hands and giving my best hopeful eyes. Robert was cornered, he really had no chance. If I didn't want to go again I might feel sorry for him...maybe.

“I'll go see how long the wait is.” Robert said. “No promises. There's a lot of people here and you know your mother will be mad if we are too late for dinner.” Everyone nodded both happy we might go again and sad. Given the choice I think everyone would be fine with a late dinner but nobody was willing to make Emily mad. Not even for another race. If it was going to take too long we would just have to wait for another day. I was never expecting something like this, so I guess I can't really complain.

“Good news and bad news.” Robert started as he came back some time later. “Bad news is the wait is over an hour.” Everyone's face sunk a little. Was that too long to get home on time? We can't just sit here for over an hour just to go again can we… “Good news is that gives us enough time for a round of mini golf while we wait. I already sent Emily a message on when we should be home so we shouldn't get in trouble.”

Everyone cheered and the twins high fived. Cindy and I looked at each other and did as well if with a bit less force. Grace was shaking her hand a little but that did nothing to dim her smile. Robert took Cindy’s hand and we started off to where the mini golf was. Whatever mini golf is anyway. I never heard of it. If it was like golf on television than why were the other girls so excited about it. With a shrug to myself I decided that if they liked it than it can't be too bad. They were totally right about the go karts. Had I backed out of that, I would have totally regretted it. Still riding my high I decided I'll just trust my new sisters that mini golf was fun. Maybe I'll be good at it like the go karts. I wonder if I can beat the twins this time even.

I suck at mini golf. First of all, it's totally dark. Everything is black except some pictures and the holes and obstacles that are all painted with glowing paint. Some of it looked really good honestly. It was sort of like golf on television. Well we all got a club and a little ball anyway. Instead of some big field or whatever they set it up to drive people crazy instead. The first couple were not so bad. The calm before the storm. You had to bounce the ball around a corner or two or maybe over some small humps to get to the hole. Faith and Grace took turns keeping score.

Then once you started to get some idea on what you were doing they added things that were never on television. Well, to be fair I didn't really watch it on television but if this kind of stuff was there maybe more people would. There was one hole with a loop you had to make the ball go around. Except for me, every time I tried it would go in wrong and it would spit the ball back out on the starting side again. I have no idea how many times it took before I finally got the ball onto the other side.

Another hole had a windmill that would block the ball if you didn't time it right. If you tried to hard to time it though you would miss the little tunnel anyway and have to try again. Another had way too many hills and you had to circle around so that you almost ended where you started. Bouncing the ball off the little brick walls. One had a mountain with a narrow bridge you had to hit it just right to get over only for the ball to go down a tube and come out a moving tube on the other side that would spit the ball in some random direction.

Despite my total lack of skill. Everyone else was only a little better. We all had one or two holes we did really really bad on. About half way in I was starting to get mad about the whole thing. When Robert did really bad on a hole though and laughed it off I realised I was looking at this all wrong. This wasn't about doing really well and winning. It was just a silly game made to let us all laugh at each other.

Once I started realising that nobody was good and we all looked silly it ended up being fun. I don't think I ever played a game where it was alright to laugh at other people and be laughed at as well. Laughing at someone or being laughed at was usually the beginning of some kind of fight or some other trouble. This was all normal for the Nelsons. I wonder what it would have been like If I could have been in a home like this all those years ago. Would I be normal too?

When the game finally ended Grace added up the scores then holding the card up asked “Anybody care?” As she looked around nobody shook their head yes and she just tossed the card in the trash. That was it. Nobody cheering for winning or picking on someone for being bad or anything. As we started walking back to the go karts I looked into the can and seen the card. There were tons of marks on it. One for each swing in groups of four with a fifth slash across it. At the bottom where the total was supposed to be she just wrote nine in each of the boxes. We all had a score of nine and there were nine holes. I know I took more than nine swings on more than one hole alone. I hurried to catch up to everyone. It was a little scary, I really like these people.

We waited around for another few minutes for our turn on the track again. Everyone's excitement was slowly building. By the time we were back in the cars I could hardly wait. I wanted to tell the guy going over the rules to just get on with it already. Can't he see we have the need to speed! Quit trying to keep us down and hold us back. Just start the ….Go.

This time much like last time my car took off like a rocket. Unlike last time I was ready for it and didn't hold back. The twins and I were neck and neck for most of the race. I even almost passed them on one of the straights but took the end turn bad and lost it again. It was too hard to try passing on most of the track. You had to mostly hope the person in front of you would mess up but after a couple laps I knew that wasn't likely. This time though, I didn't need to win. This time I was just having fun. I wasn't racing against my sisters this time. I was racing with them and it was wonderful. With that though Kelly’s voice echoed in my head “I found you a new home and it's going to be wonderful.”

The ride home was filled with happy girls laughing and remembering the day. Another amazing fun day that was better than I would have hoped for. Was this what most people did all the time? Was this what being a kid was supposed to be like? Is there some way, any way I could keep this? To really have a family, sisters parents and fun memories to look back on?

When we got home Emily was already setting dinner out on the table. We washed up and sat down to say grace. Once food was passed around everyone went back through the day again telling Emily about all the fun times we had.

We all wound down and gathered for the nightly movie. Per usual Cindy fell asleep sometime before it ended. After I got ready for bed I was mostly just laying on my bed in my nightgown. Looking at the pictures Ashley gave me. I hope she is as happy where she is as I am here. If we could have found a place like this maybe we wouldn't need to dream about all those far away places she draws.

Rolling over and pulling up the covers I turned off the lamp next to my bed. I started to think of how I could stay here, if there was some way to tell them. I pushed that aside. Today was too nice to ruin with all that. Instead I started to replay all the fun we had again. At some point sleep came.