Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journy of self discovery and change.

Parking the mower back in the garage I made my way to the house glad to finally be out of the sweltering heat of the day. Overhead the sun beat down on me and I couldn't wait to get inside and pour myself an ice cold drink. I paused at the door and quickly brushed the grass clippings off myself. My mother would be annoyed if I got them all over the house.

I went into the kitchen and quickly washed my hands in the sink. I could really use a shower, but it was just too hot so I decided to wait until later. Instead I checked the fridge, there was some ice tea so I grabbed a glass and put in 3 cubes of ice and then made my way to the living room. I could hear my sisters talking and the TV playing in the background. “Oh my God! Look at that! It's incredible!” I heard my older sister say excitedly. “Can you believe it?”

“What are you watching?” I asked glancing at the TV

“It's a talk show.” My younger sister answered.

“Oh.”

I turned to leave never having been a fan of talk shows when my older sister commented. “They are dressing guys as girls! It's unbelievable how really they look!”

I looked again at the TV. I had never heard of anyone doing this before, the whole idea seemed strange to me. I took a seat on the sofa next to my sisters. I watched in amazement as the host showed a picture of a plain looking middle aged man. “You all saw Steve before, now look at Stephanie!” Out came this beautiful woman dressed in a short red dress. She had long black hair and looked nothing like the man from the picture. She must have looked at least 5 years younger too!

I quietly watched fascinated as they repeated the process again and again with other guests on the show. Finally I turned to my old sister as they cut to a commercial. “Elayne,” I began hesitantly yet my curiosity pushed me to finish my question. “I don't understand. Why would any of these guys want to dress as a girl?” Elayne was 2 years older than me and one of the top students in her class. In my view that made her a lot smarter and knowledgeable than me.

“Well... I guess it because they don't have a good life. They have a lot of problems as a guy so they think that maybe it would be better if they were girls instead.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense. It seems strange though, I've never heard of anyone doing this before.” I sat silently and contemplated what she said to me. It did seem to make sense. I supposed that if you really are unhappy in your life then maybe being the opposite gender would make things better.

We finished watching the show and afterwards my younger sister asked to watch her favourite cartoon. Elayne agreed and having no interest in it at all I decided to go read a book. As I was heading towards my room my mother came out of the laundry room with a stack of clean clothes in her arms. “Oh, Daniel good! I just finished the laundry take your pile off the table and put them away in your room.”

“Ok, mom.” I said going back into the kitchen and grabbing the pile of my clothes off the table.

“And take a shower too. You smell like grass and gas.”

“Yes mom.” I sighed. So much for delaying it until it was cooler.

I went upstairs to my room, dumped my pile of clothes on the bed and grabbed my towel to go take a shower. Despite the heat of the day, the shower felt pretty good, and being inside the air conditioned house for over an hour already had made it a lot better than I expected. I went back into my room and began looking through my pile of clean clothes for something to wear before putting the rest away. As I searched for something to wear I wasn't suprised to find a pair of white panties in the pile. My mother washed all our clothes together and it wasn't uncommon for something to get mixed in with the wrong pile. I picked them up and set them aside for later so I could bring them back into the hallway and put them on the bench where we always put the clothes that went in th wrong piles. Whoever they belonged to would find them there sooner or later.

I turned back to the pile to look for something to wear and then stopped and looked again at the panties. I began to think about what my sister had said to me during the talk show. I wondered if my life would be better if I was a girl. There definitely was a lot of things wrong with my life. I didn't really have any friends, my only really close friend went to a different school last year and told me he didn't want to be friends anymore before he left. The other kids all seemed to hate him. I was picked on teased and beaten up all the time. Life certainly couldn't be any worse if I was a girl!

Hesitantly I dropped the towel and pulled on the white panties. They were silky and lacy and I was suprised at how good they felt. I quickly grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and threw them on. I hoped that whoever owned the panties wouldn't miss them, because right then and there I knew I never wanted to stop wearing them.

I couldn't believe how I was feeling. I felt like he had become a totally new person when I put on those panties. I smiled as I considered what life could be like if I was a girl. My sisters all seemed to have much better lives than I did. They all had so many friends while I always felt so alone. I thought that surely people would like me better too if I was a girl. And there was something about wearing those panties that just felt so right and good. I felt like for the first time I was doing something right in my life.

In the back of my mind a small voice tried to reason with me. “How can you be a girl? You're a boy! Do you really think that your parents will just let you start saying you are a girl? And what about the other kids at school? They will probably hate you too. Becoming a girl won't make them like you more. If anything it will only make things worse for you. They will probably call you gay and beat you up even more.”

My mood faltered as I considered the voice of reason speaking to me in my mind. Damn my logic! For the first time in a long time I was feeling really happy and it had to go and spoil it on me! But the more I considered it, the more I felt it was right. My problems were more than likely not able to be fixed by putting on girl's clothes and calling myself a girl. If anything they would be worse. My parents would freak out. I don't even need to talk to them to figure that out. They are ultra religious and ultra conservative. They would never accept their son wearing girls clothes and wanting to be a girl. I am not sure how I knew that, but I knew without a doubt that it was true. And the kids at school would never understand either. They would hate me more than they did now. Well maybe not more than they did now, but they would probably feel that they had been justified in beating me, and even more of them will probably join in. Solving my problems by becoming a girl... That seems like a ridiculous idea now the more that I consider it.

In a matter of moments I had gone from elated and overjoyed to fearful and panicked. I quickly stripped of my clothes and put my own underwear on. I grabbed the panties and slipped them under the mattress of my bed. Inspite of the fear that I was now feeling, I just couldn't bring myself to part with them.

Once that was done I quickly sorted the rest of my clean clothes and put them away. Now I was really confused and unsure what to do. What had started out as an ordinary and carefree summer day had now become a day of completely confusion.

I glanced at the clock, 5:45. Dinner would be ready soon. I headed down the stairs to the kitchen. I was normally a very big eater, but today I didn't have much of an appetite. There was just too much on my mind.

Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journey of self discovery and change.
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Dinner that night was no different than usual. As we all sat down to eat everyone began to talk about their day. My older brother had been working all day at the gas station so he began talking about some of the costumers that had come in that day. We live in a large farmhouse not too far from the American Canadian border, and as a result he sometimes sees some strange things at work.

“So this car pulls into the station and has skis strapped to the roof. The driver comes inside and asks me how far away the snow and mountains are.”

“Snow and mountains? It's the middle of summer! You would think he'd expect to see mountains if there are any nearby.” Elayne said.

“I know! Obviously he doesn't know anything about Canada, and just thought it's winter all year long.” Matt laughed. “Anyways I decided it would be great to have some fun with him. I told him that if he drove another hour north, the snow would be about 3 feet deep and the mountains would be another hour past that.”

“He didn't believe it!” Elayne exclaimed.

“Well he seemed to, he thanked me for my help and continued the way he was going.”

Elayne and Matt erupted into a fit of laughter. Normally I would have joined in, but tonight I wan't paying much attention to Matt's story.

“Matt! You know I hate it when you play with people like that. I wish you would stop. What would your boss think?” My mother frowned at him.

“He'd probably laugh as hard as I was! He's the one that showed me how much fun it could be in the first place.”

“Well just because he does it, it doesn't make it right. One of these days you're going to make fun of the wrong person and they'll come back and shoot you. You know most Americans have guns.”

At the mention of guns my younger sister Suzie burst into tears and started wailing.

“Oh honey! I'm sorry, nobody is going to shoot Matt!” My mom grabbed Suzie into a big hug and started to comfort her.

“Is she still worked up by all that?” Matt asked.

“Yes, she still hasn't gotten over it.” My mom answered. “I'm a little concerned that she might have permanent trauma from it.”

This time I did smile a little as I had snapped out of my thoughts when Suzie started crying. This past school year Matt had tried out for a school play and got a part. The whole family had gone to see it and Matt hadn't told us much of anything about it before hand except that it was a Western. We had all been enjoying the play and had made sure to point out Matt to Suzie every time he came on stage. Everything was going fine until Matt's character was killed in a gunfight. Suzie started bawling and screaming and it had taken us 10 minutes to calm her down and convince her he wasn't really dead. It helped a lot when he came back on stage as another character.

At the end of the play Matt quickly came to find us and we all joked how he should win an award for the most convincing death scene. Matt smiled and commented that many of the other actors were impressed that he made a kid cry. At least until they found out it was his little sister.

He went over to Suzie and said “Hi.”

“Hi, you're dead.”

“No, I'm alive, it's just pretend.”

“Unh-unh you're dead I saw them kill you. You're a ghost now.” Suzie giggled.

We had all thought that would be the end of it but then the nightmares started. Since then we weren't allowed to have anything that remotely looked like a gun in the house.

I had thought that with all that had already happened I'd get through the meal without talking at all when my sister Robin commented, “We watched a talk show today that was really weird. It had guys that wanted to dress like girls on it.”

Elayne winced and quickly tried to kick Robin under the table, but it was too late.

My mom had managed to calm Suzie down and now turned her attention completely to Robin. “Oh really? Why were you watching that?”

Robin hesitated, she could tell my mother was angry about what she had said but was unsure why. She decided to do what she did best. “Well Elayne and Daniel were watching it. I wanted to watch cartoons, but they wouldn't let me.”

It worked. My mother than turned to Elayne and I. “Why were you two watching that show? You know how much I hate you watching that kind of trash. Especially when it shows such disgusting behavior.”

I stared down at my plate, Its amazing how interesting something like mashed potatoes becomes when you don't want to talk.

“Elayne?”

Elayne let out a deep sigh. “I'm sorry mom, it was on when I turned on the TV and it just seemed so unbelievable. I didn't know they could do things like that. I won't do it again.”

“Make sure that you don't. You're the oldest at home, and that means I expect you to be the responsible one. You shouldn't be poisoning your mind or your brothers and sister's minds with trash like that. They are showing something so sinful. God hates the kind of people on those shows.”

Whew, it seemed like studying my potatoes did the trick. Elayne got in trouble because she was in charge. I thought about what my mother had said. God hates those kind of people? I wondered about that. I wanted to ask how she knows what God does and doesn't hate. I decided that I should check my Bible after dinner and see if there was anything in there.

After dinner was done, we quickly cleaned the dishes and the kitchen. Most of the family went to watch TV together and I went up to my room and pulled my Bible off my bookcase. Hmmm, let me see... Deuteronomy would probably be the place to look, it sounds like it would be something in the book of law. I flipped through the pages and after a bit of searching I found nothing.

There must be a faster way to find it than this. Ah the concordance, of course I should have thought of that sooner. I'll just look under clothes and see if I can find something. Here it is! Deuteronomy 22:5. No wonder it was taking me so long to find it before, it's near the end. I flipped to the verse.

“5 A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”

Hmmm, it seemed that my mother was right after all. God does hate men that wear women's clothes. I guess that means that I ought to pray for forgiveness and put those panties on the bench. I lifted up the corner of the mattress and pulled out the panties. Kneeling on the floor by the bed I began to pray.

“Dear God, I come before you today a sinner. Lord Jesus I am sorry that I broke your commandments and that I sinned. I didn't realize what I was doing something wrong in your eyes. Father God I pray that you will forgive me for what I have done.”

I stood up after finishing the prayer and picked up the panties. I intended to bring them out and put them on the bench. I wanted to put them on the bench. I didn't want God mad at me. I've always tried hard to follow what the Bible tells me and what my parents told me. I was a good person.

Wasn't I? I couldn't make myself take the panties out of the room. I realized that I really wanted to put them on again. I was surprised at how much I wanted to do this. It seemed like this piece of cloth had taken a hold of me and I couldn't let it go. How could something like this affect me so deeply?

I stood there for a couple more minutes looking down at the panties in my hands. Resisting the urge to put them on I quickly slide them back under the mattress. I flopped down on the bed and buried my face in the pillow.

What is wrong with me?? I wanted to do the right thing, but I just couldn't do it! At least I had resisted the urge to wear them again. That was a start wasn't it? I wondered if God hated me for even wanting to put them on and not getting rid of them like I should. Was I going to go to hell?

I lay there for what felt like eternity trying to sort through the feelings and thoughts going through me. In all my life I have never felt this way about anything before. I had never felt such a compulsion or a need to do something I knew was so wrong.

A small voice in the back of my mind began to speak to me. Is it wrong though? Are you sure? Perhaps it isn't.

I got up and went downstairs to join my family watching TV. I needed to distract myself from my thoughts and that was as good a way as any. The only thing that I knew for sure was that I was really very confused.

When I got into the living room my mom looked up at me. “Where have you been?”

“I was in my room reading my Bible and praying.”

My mom smiled. “You sure spend a lot of time doing that.”

“Yeah I guess I do. I like reading my Bible.”

“You're going to make a great pastor some day.” She looked quite happy about that.

I took a seat on the couch and tried to get into watching the show with them. I'll make a great pastor someday alright, I thought, a pastor that wants to wear women's clothes and that God hates. I am so sure that would go over so well.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life yet, but I knew that as long as I had this issue to deal with, becoming a pastor was probably out. Today just feels like a day of doors slamming closed, and I am caught in the middle and don't know where to go.

I watched TV with my family until it was time for bed. As I was heading up the stairs I suddenly stopped. “Mom, when is dad going to be home next?” I called out.

“He should be home next week Saturday.” My mom said loudly from the living room.

“Not this Saturday?”

“No, the next one.”

I went back to the living room and stood in the doorway. “How long will he be home for?”

“He's flying in Saturday night, and flying out again Monday morning, so we'll have him home for Sunday.”

“Ok”

“Now go to bed, it's getting late.”

“Yes mom.”

I ran up the stairs to my room and into my room. I stripped of my clothes and picked up my PJs. Then I stopped, stripped off my underwear, pulled out the panties from under the mattress and put them on. Once again I was thrilled by the feeling of the silk on my skin. I stopped and looked into the mirror. It just didn't look right. On impulse I reached into the panties and tucked my bits beneath. It was to my surprise more comfortable than I expected, and it looked much better. I admired myself in the mirror for a couple minute, then I put on my PJs and crawled into bed.

I wondered briefly what my father would think if he knew what I was doing right now. He'd probably hate me as much as God does right now. Once again a wave of guilt and shame washed over me for doing something that was so clearly wrong. I was tempted to jump out of bed and change and again beg for forgiveness.

Instead I stayed in bed until the feeling passed. I didn't know what was wrong with me or why I was doing this, but it sure felt right. I prayed a quick little prayer.

“Dear God, I know what your word says, and I know how it declares what I am doing as wrong. Father God, if it is a sin I am sorry and I ask that you free me of these feelings. But Lord, what I am doing somehow feels so right and I can't believe that something that tugs at my heart like this so strongly can be so wrong. Father God I ask that you will help me do what is right. Amen.”

I finished the prayer and closed my eyes to sleep. The last thought I remember thinking before drifting off was that I guess that I am going to hell.

Daniel is just your ordinary average teenage boy. Or is he? What started out as an ordinary summer day quickly becomes a journey of self discovery and change.
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I awoke to loud knocking on my bedroom door. I rolled over and glanced bleary eyed at the clock in an attempt to read the time. Finally my eyes cleared enough that I could make out the numbers. I groaned to myself, it was almost five after nine. As always my mother followed her strict rules about not sleeping in too late even during vacation.

There was another knock at the door, “Dan, are you awake? It's already past 9.”

“Yes mom, I'm up.”

I listened to the sound of my mother's footsteps descending down the stairs and briefly contemplated closing my eyes and going back to sleep. It was sucha pleasant thought and I savoured the idea and lay in bed for five more minutes before I finally made myself get up out of bed. Mom really did hate people sleeping in, and if she didn't see me downstairs and up soon, she would be back up here knocking again. This time there would be yelling and perhaps even punishment. Summer vacation on a farm was bad enough when you weren't in trouble with all the chores to do. I definitely didn't want to be in trouble, as there really was no end to the chores to be done.

Especially since today was Saturday. This was the one day in the week when we would get to go into town while my mother did the shopping. I definitely did not want to spend the time I could be there in the barn shoveling manure. My parents raised rabbits, and although they were a lot less work than most farm animals, there was always a lot of cleaning to be done in the cages.

I went down to the kitchen to find my mother sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. I went to the cupboard and got some for myself. I poured some milk into my bowl emptying the container as I did. I put the container on the counter top near the sink and brought my breakfast to the table.

My mother was watching me and as I went to sit down she stopped me. “Dan, you know the rule. Whoever uses the last of the milk has to make it.”

I put my bowl on the table and went back to the sink and grabbed the container and washed it out. I smiled to myself as I thought back to the first time I told my friend John I had to make the milk before I come back and watch TV. He had looked at me in complete confusion and commented that he didn't even know we had any cows on the farm, and wouldn't making milk take a long time? I had laughed and explained, no that's just what we call preparing a new jug of milk. My family was pretty big and in an effort to safe money and stretch out the groceries a bit longer we mixed powder milk in with our bagged milk.

I quickly finished making up a new jug of milk and hurried back to my breakfast hoping that the cereal wouldn't have gotten too soggy. Nothing was worse than eating soggy cereal for breakfast. I remembered a time when I had refused to eat my soggy cheerios and my mother made me sit at the table for 3 hours before she finally gave up and let me go.

I sat down to eat and was glad to find my cheerios in good shape so I dug in hungrily. Elayne came into the kitchen and checked the fridge. “Oh good, someone made the milk, now I can eat breakfast.”

My mom laughed at Elayne's comment. Normally she would lecture us about laziness if she heard us make a comment like that, but with Elayne it was different. Both my parents were fiercely proud of her and how responsible she was because she always made sure the house was clean when they were working or out.

I never really understood why she always got the credit for that. Sure she was the oldest and usually the one that got us all working, but everyone of us helped and worked hard. Well... everyone except Matt since he was older than Elayne and decided he didn't have to do anything she told him to do. Sometimes I would decide on my own to clean the house and my parents would come in after being out and comment that my sister was busy again. It always irritated me when I told them that I had done it on my own that it was never really recognized the same way. It wasn't like it was something I did rarely.

I was pulled out of my thoughts of jealousy, I guess that is what they were, when Elayne asked my mom, “When are we going shopping today?”

“In about an hour, I have a hair appointment and Robin has a dentist appointment at 2 so we will probably be in town for most of the day.”

“Who is all going?” Elayne asked.

“Anyone that wants too, except Matt, he is already at work today and won't get off until 4:30.”

That meant that everyone would be going of course, none of us ever passed up a chance to go at the mall and spend a bit of time in town. Especially if we were going to be there all day, that usually meant eating out too and none of us ever pass that up.

I began to think about places I would like to go, the book store and the music store for sure. Probably a couple other places that I would want to check too. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I realized that if they all went into town, I could stay home and have the place to myself. That meant I could finally do some of the things I've been wanting to do.

It had been 3 days since I found the panties in my laundry and started to wear them off and on. I usually ended up changing when I started feeling too guilty about what I was doing. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about how I was feeling and what I was going through, but I didn't really have anyone to talk to. On top of that, I didn't even really know what I would say. I didn't know anything at all about guys that wanted to be girls except for the little bit of the talk show I had seen. I had realized that at the very least I would need to get on the internet and look up more information about to it to find out what was really going on.

The more that I had thought about what was happening with me, the more I realized that my sister had been completely wrong in her assessment of what those men were doing on that show. They weren't putting on those clothes just because they thought maybe they would have a better and easier life as girls, they were doing it because they felt compulsed to do it. Like it was something that they had to do, and like it was right for them to do it. I had learned that from my own experience. I wondered if any of them had gone through the same guilt and suffering I had over it. There are so many questions that I have that I need answered and I knew that this would be my chance to finally get some answers.

“Mom, I want to stay home today, is that alright?”

“Sure, if you want to, you don't have to come.” My mom said sounding a bit surprised.

“Can I go on the computer while you are in town?”

At that my mom smiled as she thought she understood. I had been spending more time of late playing games on the computer, and I was sure she thought I just wanted to stay home and play more games. I was perfectly willing to let her believe that was my motivation too.

“Sure Dan, but make certain that you don't spend all day on it. Only a couple hours. And since you are going to be home, make sure you go out and feed and water the rabbits.”

“Ok, I'll do that.” I said and finishing my breakfast I ran back up to my room. I undressed and took off the panties which I had been wearing that morning. These would definitely need to be washed. I got dressed in my own clothes and stashed the panties back in their hiding place and went downstairs and looked for my mother. Elayne told me she was in her room, so I went and knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

I opened the door and saw my mom seated at her makeup table getting ready for the trip to town. I'd seen her seated there doing her makeup many times before, but this was the first time that I paid closer attention to what she was doing. I watched in fascination as she expertly traced her eyes with liner and put on some mascara.

She put away her makeup and turned to face me. “What do you want honey?”

“I need some laundry done, and I was uh... wondering if you could show me how to work the machine.”

“You want to do your own laundry? I guess you are old enough to learn how to do it yourself. Come on I'll show you.”

We went into the laundry room and my mom explained the different functions of how the machine worked. She kept it pretty simple only explaining the basic settings she thought I would need to know. Then she explained about the importance of separating clothes into different colours and kinds, and what temperature to use with each. She explained how mixing colours and whites would make the whites change colours, and that different temperatures would make things shrink.

I paid close attention to her instructions knowing that after this she would expect me to do my own laundry from now on. Besides that, I figured that if I did end up becoming a girl, it would be a good skill to have when I had my own family.

My own family, now there was a thought! I wonder if I would have my own family if I became a girl. Obviously I couldn't get pregnant. I mean all that would happen is I start dressing like a girl right? Would guys even want to be with a girl that's really a boy? Did I even want to have a relationship with a boy? I hadn't even thought about that part of all this! Even more questions that I need to sort out! I am still not even sure I want to be a girl! I mean it is a sin right? If I stop God would still forgive me. I really need to talk to someone.

“Dan, did you hear what I said?” Mom asked interrupting my thoughts.

“Hmmm? I'm sorry, I was trying to make certain I remembered all the instructions about the washing machine settings.” I lied quickly.

My mom sighed. “Ok, well we aren't done yet so pay attention please. Now do you know where the lint trap is on the drier?”

I actually did know this, because I had helped Elayne switch laundry before when we were cleaning the house. So I nodded, “Yes, when I switch the laundry to the drier I need to pull it out and make sure it's empty. Elayne showed me before.”

“Good. Now tell me everything I told you again so I can make sure you got it all right. You don't want to ruin your clothes.”

I repeated all the instructions back to her, which was pretty easy because there weren't many and she had kept it simple. When she was satisfied that I had it right we went back into the kitchen.

“I am really proud of you honey. It's really responsible of you to want to learn how to do things for yourself.” Mom smiled at me.

I blushed a deep red, and here I was just thinking about what my life might be like if I lived as a girl! If my mom knew what I was thinking, she wouldn't be so proud of that. And she wouldn't be so proud either if she knew the reason I asked was so that I could wash a pair of panties that I stole from my sister so that I wouldn't get caught with them. I hoped that she would think I was blushing because of the praise.

I guess that is exactly what my mom thought because she laughed gave me a hug and then called my sisters. “Girls hurry up! We need to get going to town.”

My sisters came running down the stairs. “We're ready!” was all I heard before the door slammed and they were piling into the car.

My mom turned to me “Don't forget to make yourself something to eat for lunch. There is bread to make sandwiches or you can have some of the leftovers in the fridge. We should be back in time for dinner.”

“Ok mom.”

“And don't forget to feed and water the rabbits.”

“I won't.”

“Ok, have fun.”

“Bye mom.”

She went out and joined my sisters in the car. I washed her go and she looked happy. She was definitely in a very good mood. I felt another wave of guilt wash over me. How could I do this to my parents and my family? They are happy and they are good people. They just want to live normal lives, and they would never be happy with me as a freak that wanted to pretend to be something I am not.

I watched them pull out of the driveway and found myself alone in the house. Still feeling guilty about what I was planning I decided to head to the barn and take care of the rabbits first.

The barn was a pretty big one and it had been used for goats and cows before we had moved in. We often had anywhere from 300-3000 rabbits in there at a time. I think we have about 1500 in there now.

I used to think that my dad started rabbit farming because it was something that was easy for us kids to do while he was on the road on business. I learned later that he did it because he used to raise them when he was a kid and he wanted us to enjoy the same things. He turned it into a larger operation because my dad doesn't do anything small, he always plans and dreams big.

I worked quickly and finished in about 30 minutes. Before heading back to the house I grabbed a shovel and scrapped some of the excess waste into the sewage trenches. Although it wasn't something I had been asked to do, I did it anyways because it was easier now when there wasn't as much than it would be later.

By the time I finished and got back to the house my guilty feelings had subsided and my curiosity was back in full swing. I washed up quickly in the bathroom and then turned on the computer. I wasn't actually supposed to be using the internet without my parents permission, but with my dad on a trip and my mother in town I figured it should be ok. I didn't think we were expecting any phone calls.

Living out where we did, my family was still on dial-up. Partially because there wasn't much other option where we were, and partially because my parents didn't want us to think that we could use the internet anytime we wanted if it didn't tie up the phone line.

I connected to the internet and decided to do a search to begin. I wasn't sure exactly what I was all looking for or what I would find, so I decided that doing a search for “boys that dress as girls” would be a good place to start.

It took awhile because a lot of things popped up that gave me no information. Eventually however I sorted through it and found some sites that taught me more terminology to look up. Before long I had discovered that using the proper terms unlocked a wealth of information on the topic and a lot of stories of personal experiences. I began to browse through the different sites to try and figure out exactly what was going on with me.

I soon discovered that most of the people that experience feelings like mine where called transgendered. Transgendered, I finally have a term for it. I also discovered that there are many different kinds of transgendered people. Not all of them wanted to be girls all of the time. Some of them just enjoyed wearing girls clothes. Well now that is interesting. Even more interesting was discovering that some of the transgendered people actually have surgery to change their bodies into that of girls. Others take hormone injections and use them to change their body shapes but don't have surgeries. It seems that there are many different kinds and degrees of transgendered people. Some of my questions are getting answers, but they are also giving me more questions!

Growing in curiosity I decided to search and see if it was possible for these people who had surgery to give birth. After a quick search I soon found out that it is not possible. In the only attempt to place a womb inside a transgender woman, the woman did not survive the surgery. Now that was something else to consider. It was definitely settled for me now that if I did decide to do this I would never be able to have children.

I stopped and tried to slow down my racing mind. I was getting too far ahead of myself. Here I am not even knowing if I even want to be a woman yet, and I am already thinking about my life as a woman. For all I know I am just a... what was that word again.... crossdresser. I was going to need more time to think about all this. I went back to the web and started browsing through different people's personal experiences and reading the stories about their lives and when and how they discovered they were transgendered.

As I was searching I discovered that it went both ways. Apparently there were also girls that wanted to be guys. This surprised me at first because I often see girls wearing guys clothes and it is perfectly acceptable. How do they then decide they want to change gender? Obviously it is more than just clothes that make a person who and what they are. I guess if a guy dresses as a girl, it doesn't actually make him a girl.

Then what does? Does anything make them a girl? It was a puzzling thought. I had just realized that was more to gender than what genetics says, and more than just male and female. Some people I discovered are born genetically between the sexes and their parents decide what they will be. Some of those people later changed from what their parents decided to make them.

This all seemed like a lot to deal with and I realized I was going to have to do a lot more research. Ok, what have I learned so far? Well there is more than just male and female when it comes to gender. Some people just enjoy occasionally dressing as the opposite sex, others go through varying steps to start to become members of the opposite sex. Some people dress for sexual excitement. I guess that what it really comes down to is gender is in our own minds and that we make our own decisions on who and what we are.

Alright now that I have figured out all that, what am I? What kind of person do I want to be? In the back of my mine I began to realize that I had just had my eyes open to a whole world of things I had never dreamed of before and I was starting a real journey of self-discovery and growth. I was deciding what kind of person and who I wanted to be. I wasn't sure where that journey would take me, but I knew one thing for certain, when it was all said and done, I would not end up as a typical male.

I decided to do a search to see if I could find a cause of transgendered feelings in people. Maybe if I could find a way to explain to my family as something that is not just in my head, but something based in science and fact they would be able to understand what I am going through. If I could prove beyond a doubt, that it was a naturally occuring thing, then they might help me rather than judge me.

I started my search and was so engrossed in what I was doing I was surprised when a hand grabbed me on the shoulder. I nearly jumped out of my chair in fear and shock and my heart started pounding. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to close the internet site as soon as I was grabbed.

I turned and looked over my shoulder to see Matt looking back at me. My heart was pounding in my chest and I began to feel dizzy and faint with fear. I couldn't seem to get my mouth and mind to work together. All that I could do was look at him and wonder how long he was standing there and how much he had read and seen.

“Hi Matt.” I finally managed to get out. I looked at him carefully looking for any hint of a reaction. Had I already spilled my secret before I was ready?

I couldn't believe that I had been so careless and let Matt walk in on me like this. What was I thinking, I should have been watching the time more carefully. I knew when he was supposed to be getting off work and I knew when he would be home. How could I have been so careless?

I was conpletely terrified, what had he seen? Did he know my secret? What would I do if he did? How could I explain to my parents, they are going to kill me! Why isn't he saying anything?

My heart was beating like crazy and time seemed to be hanging still. I couldn't take my eyes off of Matt just waiting for him to say something anything. I could feel a cold sweat starting to break out on my forehead. It was so agonizing, here I was in utter torment and he just stood there with a big grin on his face saying nothing.

“Man I got you good. You didn't see it coming at all!” Matt finally laughed with a huge grin on his face.

Ok he is gloating on getting me, good for him, but tell me what you saw already, anything. “Yeah you got me. I didn't realize how late it was, I nearly jumped out of my skin.”

“I know! You still look like you're trying to pull it together, you must have been really into what you were doing.” Matt smiled and sat heavily on the sofa. He then began to busy himself taking of his shoes and making himself comfortable. “It was a crazy long day at work, I'm glad to finally be home. Can you get me a cold drink?”

“Sure.” I tried to act naturally as if nothing was different as I went off to the kitchen.

Once I got there I sighed in frustration. He's not telling me anything. Why isn't he saying anything? Maybe he didn't see and isn't interested in what I was doing. Or maybe he did see. Maybe he wants to rub it in. Maybe he's going to wait til everyone is home before he says anything. He probably has some plan to torture me with it somehow. He always is trying to get to me, I bet that is it. He's trying to figure out how to use it against me.

I poured a glass of ice tea for him and brought it back to him.

Maybe he wants me to be his personal slave. I bet he'll try to blackmail me into doing whatever he wants.

He took a long drink from the glass, set it on the table and leaned back into his seat closing his eyes. The suspense was killing me, if he didn't say something soon I would have to figure out a way to find out what he knows. I mean I can't ask him, but maybe I could dig for a hint.

I watched him for a couple minutes, I couldn't take my eyes off him while I waited for him to let me know what was going to happen next. I felt like a person on trail waiting for a sentence from the judge on whether or not I would be sent to the chair. The whole time I was watching him I was racking my brain for a way to get him to talk without revealing myself. He just sat back with his eyes closed looking for all intents and purposes like he intended to sleep.

Finally he opened his eyes and looked at me standing there staring at him. “You'd better disconnect the internet before mom gets home.”

So he did see what I was doing. I went and did as he said. If he was telling me, he wasn't going to tell then was he? Or maybe he was just enjoying building up a false hope. He always did enjoy tormenting me.

“Where you on there the whole time since they left?”

“No.” I said nervously.

“What were you doing on there anyways, you were reading awfully intently.”

Relief flooded over me. He hadn't seen! My secret was safe! I'm ok. I just wanted to break down and laugh with relief and joy. Instead I tried to think of a believable story. “I was reading about how to beat a part of the game I've been playing.” I said quickly. “I'm really stuck and I needed a solution.”

“Why did you close it so fast then?”

“It was a panic reaction. I was already feeling guilty about doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing.”

He nodded and closed his eyes again. I breathed a sigh of relief again. He believed me. This was one that I owed my father. A couple years ago I had stolen a dollar from my mom's purse. I wanted to buy a new book and I had been a little short. I didn't think my mom would notice or care if she was missing a dollar but she did. My parents had questioned all of us on who had taken it. It didn't take them long to figure out it was me.

I had stood there saying nothing and my dad suddenly said, “You took it, we can tell. You always go quiet and say nothing when you know you did something wrong.”

It was then that I had realized they were right and that I do always do that. I was a pretty terrible liar because I always feel guilty and give myself away with my actions. But my dad had made a big mistake telling me that. Now that I was aware of what I did when I was in trouble, I could use it against them. I started using it to get away with things, and to make them believe what I wanted them to believe.

I didn't do it often mind you. I still hate lying and feel really guilty about it, but that had saved me from some really big trouble from time to time. The best part was that I discovered that my older siblings knew about it too. So not only could I fool my parents with it, I could fool them as well. This was one of those times where I was really glad to have learned it. I hated being deceitful, but knowing my family I didn't have much other choice if I wanted to discover more about myself.

In the meantime I was going to have to come up with a safe way to do more research. The one thing that I had learned today was that this whole transgender thing is a lot more complicated than I ever dreamed and that I was going to have to do a lot more reading about it and soul searching to find out what it meant to me.

Suddenly Matt's presence reminded me I hadn't done any laundry yet. I ran upstairs threw in my load of clothes including the panties and started the wash. I knew that Matt was pretty much passed out on the living room couch and had no reason to come in here today. He avoided house work as much as he could and would never even think to do his own Laundry.

I went back to the computer and loaded up a game and began to play. My heart really wasn't in it, but I felt I had to do it to make my story believable and to make sure that my mother didn't suspect anything either. I only stopped briefly twice, to switch my clothes to the dryer and to bring them upstairs when they finished drying.

I was actually feeling pretty relaxed and enjoying myself by the time my mom and sisters got home. Things even felt like they were back to normal and for a bit I was able to forget the whole gender issue and just have some fun.

“Dan turn off the computer, you've probably played all day. Go help your sisters bring in the groceries.” My mom said as she came in carrying a couple bags which she brought into the kitchen.

I immediately shutdown the computer and slipped on a pair of sandals before going out to help my sisters. Suzie was excused from helping because she was too small, but the rest of us hauled all the bags in and out them on the kitchen table.

I noticed that some of the bags were from other stores at the mall. “Where do you want me to put these?” I asked my mom, showing her a couple of the bags from other shops.

“Put them on the table too, the girls can bring them upstairs to their rooms after all the groceries are put away.”

I placed them on the table wondering what they had bought, I was tempted to peak inside but resisted. It was rare that we went to the mall and did any shopping other than groceries so I wondered what my mom had bought them.

“You guys looked like you did a lot of shopping.” I commented instead.

“We did!” Robin stated beaming as she brought in a couple other bags. “We got to buy some new clothes!”

“Yeah I guess I spoiled them a bit.” My mother admitted. “I don't get to go shopping with just my girls that often so I decided to enjoy it.”

I thought about that a second and wondered why it was different for mom to be out with just the girls. Truthfully I would have enjoyed spending a special day out with mom too. It's not something that we have ever really done though I realized. I mean we have had a lot of great times as a family but I realized that there were no special activities that we only did together like she had with each of the girls. I began to wonder if I could find something that we could do together too.

We quickly finished putting the groceries away and then went into the living room. Mom sat on the couch turned on the TV and began to look for something to watch, I joined her. Elayne, Robbin and Suzie huddled together whispering than ran up the stairs giggling.

About 10 minutes later Elayne came back down and announced, “Mom, we want to give a fashion show and show off our new clothes.”

My mom smiled and turned off the TV facing towards the stairs. Elayne looked up and made a hand motion. Suzie came down and Elayne described what she was wearing.

“Here is Suzie wearing a lovely pink t-shirt with barbie on the front. She's also wearing new sky blue shorts. Doesn't she look lovely?”

Suzie cme down to the bottom of the stairs, posed, turned, and then walked back up. My mother and I laughed when she posed, It was pretty cute watching her try to be a model. The whole thing was repeated for Robin. They went on like that alternating until they had shown off everything that they had worn. It was basically a few new summer outfits, different short and t-shirt combos. But they had a lot of fun doing it and it was kinda funny at times as they tried to look like fashion models.

When they were finished, Suzie ran over to mom and sat next to her. “I was a model mommy did you see me?” She asked excitedly.

“Yes, honey, you were a beautiful model too.” Mom answered giving her a hug and a kiss on the top her head.

Suzie smiled, “Elayne taught me how to do it! It was fun, I want to be a model when I grow up!”

“I am sure you will be great at it.” Mom smiled back.

Robin stood by the stairs still. “What about you Elayne?” She asked, “Aren't you going to show your new clothes?”

“I wasn't planning on modeling,” she answered, “but I guess I could show one outfit.”

Robin clapped excitedly. “Good! Then I'll tell about your clothes!”

Elayne smiled, gave Robin a hug and ran upstairs to change. Although she didn't often admit it, I could tell that she really enjoyed times like this with her sisters. In the past I had never really paid much attention to the girls when they displayed their affections for each other like this and I realized today how close they were to each other. They seemed to bond together a lot more closely than Matt and I ever had.

When we were younger Matt never liked me spending time near him and his friends. At that time, we still lived in town so visiting friends was easy. Anytime I tried to join my brother though, he didn't want me around and usually tried to slip off without me. I don't really ever remember Elayne doing that with my sisters and I wonder if she ever did. What I did know is that she spent a lot more time playing with them and that she will still occasionally sit down and play with them when they ask.

I remembered how I used to join them sometimes too. When my brother slipped off alone with his friends, the girls would get me to come and play with them. I grew up playing house and barbies with them. It had been sometime since I last thought of those days, I had almost forgotten. But there were definitely a lot of good memories from those times and I realized I missed the closeness that I used to have with them. I decided that it would be a good idea to try and rebuild some of that relationship if I could.

I was interrupted in my thoughts when Robin started Elayne's part of the fashion show. When Elayne came downstairs she was wearing a blue denim skirt and a white spaghetti strap tank top. The skirt was a dark blue and came to just above her knees. Halfway down from the top it was pleated. I found myself staring at it and wondering what it would be like to wear something like that.

I thought that it looked so beautiful and I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to wear something like that. I was a little surprised at the strength of the desire. Although I had gotten used to the desire to wear panties, this was the first time that I had felt a strong desire to wear other kinds of girl's clothes. It seemed that I was now being tempted to take this even farther. I began to wonder if these feelings and desires would continue to grow in me and where they would go in the end. It was a lot to handle.

Would I eventually reach the point where I wanted to be a girl all the time? The idea was frightening and worrying. If I did reach that point what was I going to do? My family would never allow that! And what would it mean for my faith? I considered myself a strong Christian and I knew I really did love God and wanted to follow his commands, yet here I was desiring to do something against his word.

I felt a sea of emotions going through me and I felt like I was losing control and becoming overwhelmed. Everything was so confusing. I never felt so lost and so unsure about my life before. What was it about all this that was creating such strong feelings in me? Why was I finding myself having such a strong desire, almost need to wear girl's clothes? I started to feel like I was a freak. I began to fear that there was something really wrong with me.

Yet there was a part of me that seemed to be whispering that there was nothing wrong with me. It was reminding me of what I read today and how such feelings were common. It reminded me about the theories that these feelings were related to something that happened to me before I was even born.

I wasn't ready to listen to that voice, I tried to block it out. I began to fear that I was being tempted to do things that I knew were wrong. It was an attempt to make me fall, an attack on my very soul. I had heard and read about such things.

Satan is giving me a weakness to pull me away from God. That must be the explanation. The only explanation. And now he is trying to justify it to me and make me believe that it is ok. I got up and went outside to try and be alone with my thoughts. While I was out there I did what I often did, I went into the barn to the old hayloft that was full of hay still from when the farm used to have cattle. I sat down on a bale of hay and began to pray.

I prayed that God would give me strength to resist these temptations and that he would help me to do what was right in his eyes. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for God to fix me, to take away these demons and to make me strong. I prayed to God to help me be the person that he meant for me to be. I prayed for more than an hour, then I sat and just meditated on my thoughts.

This was something that I did often, and it always helped me to find peace in myself. Today was no different. Soon I felt at peace with myself and once I had reached that point I started to sing. I always ended this time with singing. I enjoyed singing a lot, I often did it as I worked. There was nothing I enjoyed more than singing songs of praise to God.

When I was ready, I left the barn and went back to the house. I went back feeling like I was realigned with God's will. I was resolved that I would not give into these temptations and I believed in my heart that God had taken them away from me. I was certain he would never deny my request. I knew he would give me the strength to resist, I just knew it.

I went through the rest of the day thinking about my resolve to do the right thing. I felt good and I felt happy and I felt at peace. I laughed and joked with my family and I had a lot of fun that night. I really enjoyed myself. I got into the stories about people's days at dinner, although I had nothing to share about my own. I figured that everything was in the past, and it was better not to even let them know that I had even struggled with any issues. Everything felt good and right with the world. I was so happy to be free of my temptations.

Finally it was time to sleep and I went up stairs to get ready for bed. Happily I climbed into my bed and tried to sleep. I lay there for 10 minutes, 20, 30, and still didn't fall asleep. I just there there and stared up at the ceiling, and knew that something was wrong.

I climbed out of bed and lifted the mattress and pulled the freshly cleaned panties back out of the hiding place where I kept them. Without a second thought I undressed, put them on, redressed and went back to bed.

I fell asleep in almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I was expecting him to stop and denounce me as a sinner.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I woke on Sunday morning to a bright room as light streamed through the windows. I lay in my bed and recalled my inability to fall asleep the night before. I immediately felt another fresh wave of guilt wash over me.

Oh my God, I had done it again. I felt like ripping my hair out. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this? Why do I feel this way? I just want to be a normal person. But I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I feel like I really want to stop, sometimes I am so sure that I can stop. Then I am overcome with a desire to wear these clothes. It's so strong. It breaks through my resolve so easily and I just can't help but give in.

It's almost as if there are two people inside of my I realized. One part of me that wants to try and live a normal life and be the person everyone expects me to be, and the other that wants to push free and break out and be the person that I want to be.

And that with that thought, I had the deepest revelation about my life that I had ever experienced. I began to look back at my life and the things that I had done to this point. I saw that I had never really been true to myself. I realized that I had lived my whole life in an attempt to please other people. I did the things my parents wanted and expected of me to please them. At school I had always tried to do what it took to fit in. I failed at it miserably but every decision I made about what I did was always based on what I thought other people would think. I had never made any choice without first considering what, God, my parents, my siblings, or my classmates would think. I realized that I had never considered what *I* really wanted.

I suppose that considering what Gd would think is important still, but what about the rest of them? Could I really be considered living my own life if I was living for other people? I need to really think for the first time in my life and consider what I want. I would never enjoy my life if I always live it in fear of other people's opinions, or in an attempt to live up to their expectations.

My mind was racing and I couldn't sit still on the edge of my bed. For the first time in a long time I was really excited about something. I began to pace around the room considering different things. Every now and then I would stop suddenly as another deep thought came to mind and then I would start moving again in another direction. I felt so excited and so happy with this new feeling of freedom that I was sure the smile on my face went from ear to ear. And I felt lighter too, like I had just dumped a load of baggage off my back.

Finally I sat on the edge of the bed again and tried to calm myself. That's when another feeling hit me. That's when I was filled with a kind of emptiness. I realized that these expectations and the opinions of others had been the driving force in my life for a long time. I realized that I had no real desires or direction of my own. Or at least if I did, I didn't know what they were. I was really going to have to spend a lot of time thinking about all of this. What was it that I wanted from life? Who was the person that I wanted to be? This was something that I was going to have to discover and decide for myself.

So now I resolved to have a new purpose in my life. For the first time I was going to live for my own happiness and not for what other people wanted me to be. I hoped that this would be a resolution that I could keep. After following my old habits for so long I was under no illusion that things were going to change quickly and easily.

I decided that the best place to start was to continue wearing these panties. It was the first real desire of my own that I knew was truly inspired of myself. I wasn't sure where it came from exactly and why I was feeling this way, but I realized that it would eventually lead me to discover more about myself and who I wanted to be. I felt at that moment I was taking a monumental step in defining who I was. Or at the very least discovering who I am.

I knew that most people at some point in their life had to take these journeys of self discovery at some point. I had always assumed that this was something that I would do in a few years when I began to think about what I wanted to be in the future and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Now I realized for me that what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to be in the future mattered quite a bit less than figuring out who I wanted to be in the future. There are more elements of discovering yourself than I had ever imagined.

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by my epiphany and knew that I had a big task ahead of me. There was so much more to life than I had ever considered, the events of the past week had taught me that.

I got dressed and went down to the kitchen for breakfast. My mom turned to look at me as I came into the room. “Good morning Mom.” I smiled and gave her a big hug.

“Good morning Dan, you're in an awfully good mood today.” She commented as she turned back to the pancakes she was making.

“I sure am! I had a great sleep last night, and it's a beautiful day.” I grinned as I went to the cupboard and began to set the table for breakfast.

“Wow happy and helpful! I should start sending you to bed earlier so that you always come down like this.” Mom joked.

I laughed, “If you did that I might not be so happy when I wake up even with a good sleep. I wouldn't like going to bed early.” Then I paused dramatically and suggested “You could try let me sleep in later, it would put me in a better mood.”

Mom laughed, “Sleeping in late or going to bed early, what's the difference? Both gets you the same amount of sleep.”

“Mom!” I said in pretend shock, “The difference is how it feels to me! One feels like a punishment the other feels like a gift!”

My smiled, “Oh I see. It's a good thing I have you to give me advice on how to raise children. Where would I be without you.”

We both broke into giggles at that, it was such a good day. I felt like skipping as I brought things to the table. I really couldn't remember the last time I had felt this good. Mom watched me from the stove. “You know Dan, I've been a bit worried about you lately. You've seemed to be a bit depressed and troubled with something. I am glad to see you've snapped out of whatever has been bothering you.”

I blushed a little, mom noticed more than I credited her with! “Well I've been thinking a lot about things lately and I figured something out that makes me feel good.”

“Oh?” Mom raised an eyebrow, “Care to share what that is?”

I drew in a deep breath, “Well... I just learned that I can't live my life for other people. I need to do what I think is best for me and what makes me happy. I don't need to live according to everyone else's expectations.” I said in a rush.

Mom looked at me like she was studying me. I fidgeted while I waited for her to say something. “Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked finally.

“I'm trying to figure out when you suddenly grew up so much.” Mom smiled. Then a serious look came across her face, “I'm glad you've figured out you need to live for yourself and you own happiness. But don't forget that some of the things that are expected of you are for your own good.”

“I know mom. Don't worry, I'm not going to stop going to school or start doing drugs or rob a store or something.”

She laughed, “Ok maybe I am worrying to much. I know you're a good kid, you won't get yourself into trouble.” I smiled again and gave here another big hug. “I'm really proud of you Dan, dad is too. You're growing up into a good man.” I stiffened a little, “What is it?” Mom asked noticing my reaction.

“Mom, the pancakes!” I said thinking quickly. It worked, mom bought my excuse and spun back to face the stove.

“Well this one is ruined.” Mom frowned and scrapped it into the trash. “Go wake up Matt and your sisters, breakfast is about ready.”

I ran back upstairs and knocked on the bedroom doors and hurried back downstairs to sit at the table. I was quickly followed by Matt and the girls. Sunday morning was the one morning where mom always cooked a big breakfast and so no one stayed in bed late.

As usual the pancakes were great. I was feeling pretty hungry that day and finished off three large servings. My mom watched me and gave me a big smile. I hadn't been eating much lately and I knew she was happy to see that my appetite was back along with my good mood.

When we were all done eating and had cleared the table mom said, “Alright everyone, upstairs and ready for church. I want you back down here in 20 minutes and ready to go.”

I ran upstairs and quickly got ready for church. I actually really enjoyed church and was looking forward to going. I always loved signing and I enjoyed talking to God. Our pastor was a really good speaker and I usually enjoyed his sermons. When I was younger I would always struggle to stay awake and my mother or father would continuously poke me in the side every time after I started to drift off. I always tried to pay very careful attention because I knew at the end of the service my father would ask us questions about the sermon. If we couldn't answer them then we had to sit and read the Bible passage from the service until we had it memorized and could recite it word for word.

That was before my father traveled for business so much. Now that he is rarely home we don't have to worry about that punishment but at least for me the habit of listening to the pastor has been ingrained. I guess it's not a bad thing, but at least my younger sisters were spared the torture of being locked in the family room with a Bible for hours on end. Not that dad would ever do that to Suzie... she seems to get everything she wants from him. A benefit of being the youngest I guess.

I sometimes think that mom and dad spoil her so much because there is such an age gap between her and the rest of us. Robin is a year and a half younger than me, and then there is 7 years between her and Suzie.

Mom always said that she wanted to have four kids. Once I heard one of mom's friend ask if she was an accident, my mom had looked at her sternly and said “I'd never call any of my children an accident. She's my bonus baby.” Since that day that is what mom has always said when talking about the size of her family and how many kids she wanted. I always thought it was a great display of mom's personality.

I pulled out a clean pair of dress pants and a collared shirt to wear to Church. I undressed quickly and then hesitated. I wasn't sure if I should change out of my panties or not. My panties I thought. I guess I do think of them as mine now.

I wanted to wear my panties to church but a part of me felt that wearing them in God's house would be a sin. I mean there was that verse that spoke about God hating such things. I really didn't want to test God's anger by sinning in a Church. I stood there hesitating not sure what to do. I looked in the mirror at the smooth front of the panties. I had taken to tucking my bits every time I wore the panties, and looking at it now I was struck again by how right that looked and felt to me. I decided to keep the panties on.

I dressed quickly and went downstairs. Mom took one look at me, “Stop Dan. Go back up and brush your hair. You're not walking into church like that.”

I blushed and quickly ran back up stairs into the bathroom. Elayne was inside doing her makeup and Robin was brushing her hair. I squeezed in between them and grabbed a brush and began trying to make my hair look presentable. For as long as I could remember my hair would never cooperate with me. No matter how much I brushed and tried to straighten it, within a couple hours it would be just as messy as ever. The only thing that ever seemed to work was a lot of hair spray or gel. I could usually only get it to cooperate for a couple hours that way but it was better than nothing.

Elayne glared at me as I grabbed the hairspray can. “Oh no,” she said, “Not in here. You use way to much of that stuff and I don't want it spraying all over me. Go do it in your room.”

I took the can to my room and sprayed in sprayed until I was satisfied that my hair wouldn't move. It looked like it was rock hard. When I brought it back to the bathroom Elayne sighed. “Dan, you really need to take care of your hair better. All that spray isn't good for it.”

“Well it's the only thing that works.” I complained.

Elayne's voice took on a lecturing tone. “Of course it is! That's because you let your hair go wild all the time. If you'd just brush it everyday and spent sometime on it every night and morning you might be able to teach it some good habits.”

“That's what I have to do.” Robin agreed. “Mom won't let me go to bed until I've brushed my hair first.”

“Maybe we should do the same thing for Dan.” Elayne smirked. “He can learn what it's like for girls for a bit.”

I rolled my eyes at Elayne and went back downstairs to the kitchen while she and Robin continued to get ready. I thought about what she said and decided that I would follow her advice. I did actually want more control over my hair, and I didn't want to admit it to her but the idea of doing things girls usually did really appealed to me. I just didn't want to let her know that. I knew she would have thought it strange if I hadn't reacted to her comments.

When everyone was finally ready we piled into the car and drove into town to the church we had been attending for as long as I could remember. The pastor greeted us warmly at the door as we came in. As I shook his hand I was expecting him to stop and denounce me as a sinner.

“Good morning Dan. God Bless you today.” he said instead.

“Good morning Pastor Joshua. God Bless you.” I responded and entered the church.

As I walked with my towards our regular seats in the front, I kept waiting for something to happen. I was sure that lightning would strike me out of the sky, or I would be consumed in a pillar of fire, or the ground would open up and swallow me. Maybe I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife. I began to wonder what it would be like to turn into a pillar of salt in the middle of the church. I could just see it now... I would dissolve into a pile of salt, clothes and all right in the middle of the isle. All that would be left was the pair of white panties to show everyone why God struck me down and to warn them not to do the same. All the children would probably ask why that boy was wearing girls undies, and their parents would tell them it was because I was evil. My mother would be incredibly embarrassed and might never set foot in the church again. They probably be viewed as outcasts, the family that had the evil crossdressing son.

I made it to my seat without any spontaneous saltification. I think I just invented a new word... Anyways I didn't turn into a pile of salt or start on fire or get struck down in any other way. No one denounced me and everything seemed like a normal Sunday.

I went through the entire service waiting for the shoe to drop. Nothing happened. As I left the church I looked up at the sky sure something was about to happen to me. I got into the car and on the drive home I kept waiting for someone to hit us and for me to be the only casualty.

When we made it home again without incident and the rest of the day seemed to go normally I was mystified. I decided that God must have accepted my decision to explore who and what I really am. If God didn't strike me down than perhaps I was doing nothing wrong. As I climbed into bed that night I concluded that I must not have angered God after all. Or that at the very least He was going to let me work through this myself. Either way I felt better about it all.