Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

March 15th 9:18 PM
“…I think I'm ready now... Intoxicate me now with your lovin' now... I think I'm ready now...,” I sang into faded silence.

Bill continued to play the out bars one last time and on the final note let it hang – to fade away hauntingly. We were very much in sync tonight; he emphasized the lulls in the arrangement – helping me to recover after getting into those higher registers and then pulled back when I was in control and powering through vocally. Masterful – he had so much talent… Slowing the song down as we did was risky, but really flipped the pop-song on its axis. Then of course, Bill injected it with some jazz roots, undertones – so very different from Spears’ original pop version of Toxic. Bill was truly a musical genius…

The applause was polite, appreciative, but not over the top for the half-filled jazz club. I stood from the stool I had been sitting on center stage, pointed towards Bill, “Ladies and gentlemen, arrangement by Bill Carter…” The applause picked up a bit louder, the stage lighting swung over to the piano, and I walked over to Bill and kissed him on the cheek, before making my exit.

Gary was on the mic as I made stage exit, “Breanna Calloway…” There was a second round of appreciative applause before he was announcing the next singer and Bill was slowly building an intro on the piano – ‘Dog and Butterfly’ by Heart – I was pretty sure that’s what the next song was.

“Love that rendition Brea…”

“Thanks Mike…,” I replied. I made my way through the dim backstage area, pulling my monitor earpiece – turning it off – putting it in my clutch I had Mike watch for me while on stage. I made it around a couple corners backstage and casually reentered the club near the back bar.

I caught a couple nods from a few regulars, a few hands touching my arm – with whispered encouraging words, and a few smiles as I walked towards Kaley. Most of the patrons were now focused on the stage though, so my moment in the spotlight was just that – a brief, fleeting moment. Kaley was at a standup table close to the bar, “That was harsh…,” I offered after nudging her.

She looked at me confused, “Like when?”

“Second chorus, felt like I was mumbling… I need a better monitor earpiece – couldn’t hear myself a few times.”

“That’s bullshit Brea, you know it… Sounded good to me. You’ve been performing here like three months now - take the win, they loved it. Bill was on tonight…”

“Was he ever! Only saving grace…” I looked around the club, people were mostly watching Gina sing a straight rendition of the Heart song, and a few were having quiet conversations – typical scene.

“I’m gonna say ‘Hi’ to JJ… You want anything,” Kaley asked.

“Nah, just finish up my water and I think I’ll get out of here…”

We hugged and I watch Kaley make her way to the end of the bar and hug JJ. They were cute together, I wondered when he would figure out she was flirting every time she came here – he was so dense. Movement at the far end of the bar caught my attention. A guy was walking towards my table, where’d you come from? You don’t look like you belong here… He smiled and nodded his head when our eyes met, and then a few seconds later he was standing at my table.

“Hi, mind if I join you?”

I could feel a lump lodge in my throat and felt a little weary. Sure, I interact with people all the time at work, but I’m guarded, and ‘pop-up’ meetings were a bit spooky to me no matter where I was… I was the queen of flying under the radar, being barely noticed was my ‘thing’ – unless I was singing, “Actually, I was just about to leave. You’re welcome to the table if you want…” I wasn’t lying, but I wasn’t going to give this guy an opening either by making up some lie that would trip me up if I let him start a conversation.

He looked confused, “Oh, well I actually came here tonight to meet you… I had heard you were singing tonight and…”

I cut him off, “Ah, look… I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t… I don’t do meeting people in clubs.” I was nervous and any control of my surroundings I thought I had felt was quickly slipping away, “I think you probably need to be talking to someone else…,” I added for good measure, “Trust me…” I could feel my heart thumping in my ears and I looked toward the stage involuntarily, I could see Gary just off to the right. If I waved would he see me? Probably not – he was watching Gina sing. I looked back toward the bar, JJ… I could flag him down, he was closer. Would this guy follow me out of here? Fuck! Slow it down…

“Ah, I think you have me all wrong. Here,” he pulled a card from his jacket and handed it to me.

The card read ‘Blake Schultz – Grand Caymans Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, NV’ with multiple phone numbers, an email address, and a website. I read it and looked at him blankly – so what? I could print this on my computer in thirty seconds or less with the right card stock. “Sorry… Blake, I’m not interested…” His card told me nothing and I hoped my bluntness registered.

He reached over and took the card, “Augh… Sorry, old card…” He handed me another one after inspecting it.

‘Blake Schultz - Chief Marketing & Experience Officer’ with the same information as the first card he’d handed me. OK, you now have a title – congrats! I’m still not feeling this… I put his card on the table, “I’m sorry, I don’t… I gotta go.” One last look at the guy and I didn’t hesitate making my exit. When I was at the host stand I looked back, the guy hadn’t moved – he wasn’t even looking at me. I slipped my jacket on and I prayed there was a cab or Uber out front – I did not need any drama from some kook with a pocket full of ‘talent scout wanna-be’ business cards from a casino in Las Vegas I had never heard of... I was out the door quickly and walking south on Fifth…

This kind of shit wasn’t new, I could pass – generally speaking, but that didn’t mean those with heightened radar didn’t suspect something was off about me. It wasn’t Transgender night at the club – it was amateur night - so we weren't a draw for freaks and chasers. Sure, a few people in the club knew I was Transgender, but they totally didn’t give a shit. People who didn’t know – well, those were usually one’s that had whatever flavor of bias ingrained in them and were the most dangerous to someone like me. I’d been singing since I was a kid, progressing from church choir to Honors Choir in high school to even a little singing in college. In college I was told I might be a countertenor due to being able to sing so high - effortlessly, but in reality I was probably more of a falsettist.

I had decent voice control - no way that guy figured me out by singing or even in the few sentences I spoke to him back there. Some crazy fucks out tonight… I looked back at the door twice, before getting into a cab a block from the club.

March 22nd 9:44 PM
The Gaslamp District was hopping tonight… The crowd at the jazz club was electric, charged even. By the time I got on stage – the eighth amateur of this week’s showcase – the crowd was really into the performance. I sang ‘Lights’ by Journey – a song I really enjoyed singing and knew inside and out.

Bill and I had rehearsed it twice since Monday at the community center in Sherman Heights – a few blocks from the car dealership I worked at. Of course, I had recorded the intended arrangement and as was typical had been practicing every waking moment up until tonight. He had changed the timing, so it flowed quicker – almost felt like a Bruno Mars spin had been laid on the melody. It certainly worked – musically speaking, but I know there were a few spots tonight I was flat and no amount of willing from Bill’s keying the piano could save my blunders.

The crowd was appreciative with their applause when I was finished singing, but really - Bill was the one they were applauding. Oh, well… Next time I’ll do better I shrugged backstage after Mike said I sounded great. I thanked him, but honestly he was just being polite. I mean really, was he going to say I sucked? I chuckled to myself as I pulled my monitor earpiece, turning it off, and thinking I needed to invest in a new one with better fidelity, upgraded Bluetooth, and would actually help more than hurt my singing. Bottom line – this was amateur night, so these people just got a big dose of amateur… Sure, I felt a little discouraged, but that was just part of the gig – I’d survive it… I’ll be better next week.

When I entered the club from backstage, I couldn’t see Kaley, so just found a spot near the pass bar area. I was trying my best to stay out of the way of the women working their asses off hydrating the crowd with all manner of alcoholic beverages. JJ and the other bartender – Mark I think his name was – were moving quickly to fill drink orders. I had been to this jazz club a few times on weekends; this crowd tonight rivaled a weekend crowd – no idea why tonight was so special.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, turned to see a server – Dee, “Hey…,” I greeted her.

“That was a cool change to that song. So very Stevie Nicks, even Melissa Etheridge like... You want anything,” she asked.

“Ice water… Thanks… I think I like singing the original version better… I’m no Stevie or Melissa…” I chuckled, but I’m sure with all the noise she didn’t hear me. I knew the lower I sang the more problems I would have with control. Oh well...

“Was cool when the crowd lit up their phones… Haven’t seen that for a while,” she said dumping ice into a rock glass.

“Did Gina get that treatment on the Neil Diamond ‘Sweet Caroline’ song a few weeks ago,” I asked.

“Wasn’t here that night… Lemon?”

“Nah… Thanks…”

She handed me the glass, picked up a few drinks JJ had just put down on the pass bar, and she was gone. When I turned to face the stage there was a familiar face standing in front of me… Shit! Brad… No, Blake… Blake something… Fuck… I felt anxious, uncontrollably so...

“Nice job tonight… I’d offer to buy you a drink, but looks like you have something…,” he said leaning in towards me.

Go away! Don’t be nice to me, don’t give me some lame bullshit lines… You seriously don’t know what you’re getting with me… Augh! “I was flat...”

He interrupted the beginning of what would have been a critical review of my failures tonight, “The song was up tempo, probably a little more than it should have been, especially for a good singer. Might have been better sung like Steve Perry had sang it…”

What? No, it was sped up on purpose, the key was changed on purpose… The ‘fuck’ you know about our arrangement! The tempo was on point – I was the problem. “I disagree, but what do I know – I’m just a ‘good singer’…” I said snarky, but with the noise of the bar I doubt he heard my bitchy retort tone.

“Yes, you’re a good singer. Not much to complain about with that performance. Crowd seemed to like it. Kind of cool they lit up their cell phone flashlights.”

Why am I talking to this guy? OK, I was going to stay until the end of the showcase, but this guy just changed my mind on that – time to leave… “Nice talking to you, I’m out…” Without so much as a chance to let him get a last word in I set my glass down and began weaving in and out of the crowd lining the bar area. At the host stand I looked back and didn’t see him, good ‘nuf for me! Later asshole! My anxiousness was making my stomach roil, it would do a flip and then flopped – I gotta get out of here!

Outside of the club there was still a sizable crowd of people milling around, not to mention twenty or so people waiting to get into it – must be a convention in town or something… I headed south on Fifth, intent on catching a cab in the next block like I had last week escaping that nut-job, “You ever hear of the Transgender Day of Visibility?”

I stopped dead in my tracks, spun quickly ready to defend myself from an attacker… “What the fuck!” He’d scared the shit out of me and feeling like I was – this stalker tact he was laying on me wasn’t going to work.

“Whoa… Look, I’m not some crazed chaser, but I do have something you might be interested in hearing about.”

Well, aren’t you cute… Really, not a ‘chaser’? Like you’re not some fetish junky? Yeah for you! You know I’m Transgender – congrats I’m so impressed! Are you really about to threaten me right here? I felt my stomach drop, my hands felt oddly cold and tingled. I needed to decide my next actions carefully, quickly. The street was crowded with people, so he wasn’t about to pull any shit right here. Think… Wait… What did he ask me? Do I know about the Transgender Day of Visibility? Fuck you! “Why are you stalking me,” I asked in a loud voice, which caught the attention of a couple people walking by us.

“Oh, no… That’s not what this is,” he said to a couple of guys who decided to stop to see where our conversation was about to go.

“Well you better fucking explain yourself or I’m sure those cops across the street will need to know what your problem is…” I was on the verge of puking and could taste the staleness of my breath – should have had lemon with that water. I was putting up a big fluff of bravado – but truth was I really just wanted to crawl under a rock. Your move Blake…

“Look, I’m looking for singing talent for the event I just mentioned. It will be held at our hotel in Vegas next week. I’m only here to see if you’re interested. If you’re not – I will not bother you again.”

I thought about how he put that, ‘the event I just mentioned’… He did that for me, since we now had an audience of two blue-collar types that would probably have no trouble ripping into this guy if I were to ask for help. Of course, worst case these guys could make things tougher on me if he’d outted me. OK, he was doing me a favor by not bringing any unnecessary attention to me being not what I appeared. I could see the cops across the street looking our way. Fuck! I looked at the two guys, “I’m good guys… Thank you for stopping though.”

“You sure,” the bigger of the two asked.

“Yeah, I think those cops over there are gonna be checking us out in a couple minutes…”

Everyone looked toward the cops, one of the two guys waved. My two champions figured things were handled and began to move on. OK Blake Whatever-Your-Name-Is, you dodged getting your ass handed to you. The cops – well, unless you have a compelling story to tell me it’s going to go south pretty quick for you… “You have about three minutes before those cops make their way over here. Tell me what you want and we can go from there…”

“It’s basically a singing contest to showcase Transgender singers next week, culminating on the Transgender Day of Visibility. You get coaching, an allowance for wardrobe, room and board. It will look a bit like those reality TV singing shows. Everyone is filmed in an interview style, the competition is filmed, and the whole event gets edited into a PBS documentary for a later date…,” he paused to think, “Oh, there are prizes for first through third place finishers. Top prize, twenty-thousand dollars. Here,” he fished another card and handed it to me, “Check our website – this contest has been advertised for about six months. This is totally legit and above the board. You can contact me directly at those numbers or email. Research it…”

He'd said a lot, but why me? How did he find me? “Why me,” I asked.

“Well, you were a whisper on the wind – to tell the truth,” he said smiling, but continued when I didn’t look amused, “So, someone I know in LA mentioned hearing about someone new to the San Diego jazz scene and I decided to come see for myself. Do you know how many jazz clubs there are in San Diego? Plenty,” he complained, “Problem was no one knew who I was looking for when I started inquiring – subtly mind you. Then I met Gary who said if I was interested in someone with talent to come see the Thursday amateur night showcase. Even after explaining what I was looking for – he said nothing about you specifically. Anyway, I show up last week – he says, ‘Make sure I see Breanna perform…’. I thought you had a great voice and are what we’re looking for. Then you blew me off when I tried to introduce myself. What else is there? You have any other questions?”

I was about to speak, when I noticed a pained look on Blake’s face. I turned to see what he was looking at – the two cops were now less than twenty yards away. Shit… Not like, we could run or fade away, so I resigned myself to having to deal with them and just waited for them to approach. Just explain to them we had a misunderstanding and everything was… A scream from the opposite direction stopped them and they were looking toward the other side of the street where two women were posting up after one or the other had just screamed for some reason. The cops jaywalked quickly to get over to the women – we were no longer their focus. Jesus! What next?!?! I just wanted out of here…

“Let’s do this, you go that way,” I pointed up Fifth, “I’ll go this way. I’ll check into your story and if I’m interested I will call you. Until then, no more stalking shit… Fair enough?”

“Fair enough… But I’m sort of under a time crunch. We lost a singer that had auditioned. At this point we either replace her or cut the competition down to ten from twelve… There were other’s we cut, but they really wouldn’t be able to hold their own in this competition without looking," he struggled for a word, "casual singers. I think you could really add to what we're putting on, trying to accomplish…”

“I don’t understand…”

“We auditioned somewhere around thrity-five singers. From that group we selected twelve singers, but with the drop-out we are down to eleven. My GM wants to replace the one who bailed on us or cut one of the singers so we have an even number. I’m not sure why he’s so set on that – a field of ten or twelve singers, but that’s what I’ve got to get figured out,” he said frustrated, “I’m heading back to Vegas at noon tomorrow. So, I’m offering you a spot or I’m going to have to cut someone since we’re live with this event starting Tuesday. Give it some thought overnight and call me tomorrow one way or the other, please,” he asked extending his hand, which I took after a moment and shook.

He turned and started walking up Fifth without another word. I stood there for a second wondering if I should have asked him a few more questions – no, get home, get out of here and see if this guy’s story really was as he said it was… I was certainly left wanting to know more about this competition though... Grr! Curiosity killed many a cat.

March 22th 10:59 PM
Inside my apartment I didn’t waste any time pulling up Google on my Android tablet. I searched for the ‘Grand Caymans Casino’ and was happy to see there was such a place in Las Vegas – it actually had opened in January of last year. I went to their website and it was certainly ‘grand’ and Caribbean themed – big whoop. I wasn’t about to let my guard down though just because there was a website for a casino in Vegas I’d never heard of, for a contest on Transgender Day of Visibility I’d never heard of… Something was still off about this to me. The guy hangs out here a week to try and recruit me? That’s weird, right?

I followed a link at the bottom of the page for ‘Property Management’ and after a few clicks found ‘Blake Schultz’, a picture matching the man from the club, and his title was listed as ‘Chief Marketing & Experience Officer’. His bio said he came to them via the Hard Rock Casino in Atlantic City, NJ - where he was a booking agent and managed their nightclub. So, nice Vegas promotion Mr. Schultz – means maybe you know a little about the entertainment business. I did a quick Google search on ‘Blake Schultz + Las Vegas’ and found the typical stuff – Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter accounts. All were for the guy I’d been stalked by – OK, followed by... Not, stalked – but who hangs around a week to recruit a Trans singer? I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted to let this guy off the hook for freaking me the fuck out…

When I clicked on the Google ‘Images’ link for my ‘Blake Schultz’ search there were a few pictures of him surrounded by women in clubs – either Atlantic City or Vegas, I couldn’t tell where they were taken, so pure guessing on my part. One of the pictures was of him and some DJ at a pool party at a hotel – likely his hotel in Vegas, given the Caribbean themes of the surroundings. The pool was full of people, bikinis everywhere, plastic drink cups raised – it looked like something you’d see on MTV.

One picture of Blake caught my eye in the search of images. The one of him with an older woman, she was three or four inches shorter, gray hair, round-full face, and maybe in her early sixties. I followed the pictures link, which put me in his Facebook account and there was a description he’d added to the photo, “Visiting mom in SD…” The background of the photo – the Hotel del Coronado. The date – this past Monday. He had ties to San Diego – was this why he was here last week through tonight? Was he trying to recruit me or was he stalking me – that was still the question… Grrr! Seriously, he is likely legit – I’m just being stupid. Recruit – is there something to recruit for though?

I found a link for ‘Up Coming Events’ on the Grand Caymans website and looked at this month’s calendar. Sure enough – there was a three-day long event listed as the ‘Transgender Day of Visibility Vocal Competition’. I followed the link to the events main page and saw it was going to be run just like those reality TV singing shows. Only difference – they were putting the contestants out there for the world to see with their PBS documentary filming of the event. This was more than just a singing contest, ‘Competition’, it was putting our lives out there for all to see – all access... Blake had mentioned that, why didn’t that set off more alarms?

Beyond the competition, the hotel appeared to be rolling out the red carpet for the three days of their Transgender Day of Visibility celebration. There were specials on rooms, dining, vendor exhibitions, contests, tours, seminars, and various parties – including a late night pool party and dance. In essence they were laying it out there that they were celebrating and accepting those transitioning. Why was this the first I had heard of this? I had my nose in a few Transgender support organizations here in San Diego – not a peep had been said about this event. This was huge though, a major casino on the Vegas strip acknowledging our existence, validation of those who were Transgender – mind blown…

March 23th 9:06 AM
The phone was answered on the fifth ring, “Hello…,” the voice said tentatively.

“Hello, I… I’m looking for Blake Schultz, please.”

“Yes, he is in a shower. May he call you,” she asked.

The woman had a distinct German accent, not super thick, but certainly enough that you could tell she’d spent a good portion of her life growing up there. Was this his mother? Let's see, “Thank you Mrs. Schultz, could you please have him call Breanna at this number,” I rattle off my number, and then explained briefly that since this was his cellphone he would have my number. Not sure why I bothered, but maybe she wasn’t hip to cellphone operations…

“I will give the message, Thank you…”

“OK, thanks, goodbye…,” I said when I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go with the conversation.

“Goodbye…”

Since she didn’t correct me, I must have guessed correctly – that was his mom who answered his phone. I guess he could be married? No, that was his mom – for sure. The picture of her I’d seen last night certainly fit the voice.

March 23th 9:38 AM
After all my research into Blake’s story, it would be a total lie to say I wasn’t interested in joining the competition. The thought of putting myself out there on a much bigger stage than the jazz club was a little daunting, but I’d sang in a few competitions in the past – granted before transitioning – so I knew what I was getting into in that regard. I loved singing and had recently found how to reinsert that passion into the person I was becoming. Only nit – the PBS filming and giving them a look into my life. Others were willing to do that, so I wasn’t going to be the central focus, but opening up wasn’t something I was looking forward too. I had no problem owning my transition when challenged, but feeling like I had to justify my choices, state of mind, and anything else someone felt like laying on me could be tiring…

I called Kaley, before reaching out to Blake, and she approved my time off request. We’d talked about Blake stalking me last week and she was a little concerned about his second stalking attempt last night. When I told her about all the research I had done it set her mind at ease – which, repeating all that information confirmed I was good with the choice I was making to join the competition.

Kaley said I could work today and tomorrow – my usual days off – then Sunday and Monday. That way I would only have to take one day of vacation for Thursday – the finale night of the competition – then return Friday my normal day off. I was guessing I’d need a day off to recover – because as they say, “What happens in Vegas…” and all that crap about it staying there… The drive to Vegas, five hours’ worth of some of the most mind numbing and boring highway scenery out there was the only sucky part. I wasn’t looking forward to that. Now I just needed to hit Bill up for help with musical arrangements to a couple songs we’d performed at past showcases. I pulled up his number and before I could call, my phone began ringing…

“Hello…”

“Good morning Breanna. Thank you for calling me back.”

“Oh, hey Blake,” I said not so confidently.

“Sorry you got my mom, I was in the shower.”

“Yeah, she told me. Does she live here in San Diego,” I asked - I already knew the answer.

“My parents retired here after my dad got out of the Army. She lives out by the university.”

“Really? I went to USD, very nice area.”

“You went to USD? I did a year there, but transferred to the University of Pittsburgh. What did you study?”

“I graduated two years ago with a B.S. in Marketing. How about you?”

“I studied mostly partying, so didn’t graduate when I should have. Think that annoyed my parents…”

“Oh… Well, they have to be happy with what you’ve worked into there in Vegas, via Atlantic City…,” I cringed – did I just give away that I researched him? Yup… Crap! I mean, he knew I would, right? It was expected…

“Probably… I did finally get my degree in Business Management, so I got back in their good graces. I’m getting ready to pull out of here – you have an answer for me?”

“Yeah, ah… I would like to… If you’d still want me for your competition, yes I would like to join it…” I replied, tripping over my tongue like a fool.

“Excellent, I think you’ll fit in well with the other talent. Do me a favor and text me an email address and I’ll have the staff running the show send you some forms you’ll need to fill out – nothing much really, but a lot of legal notification stuff. Once you get that stuff turned over they’ll get you booked for a room. If you know the songs you’ll be singing let them know that also – we’ve got a great band or we can remove the vocals from any track. Oh, and get something setup for the stylists working the show right away – the staff will get your contact information. So, when do you think you’ll arrive?”

Blake had rambled all that pretty quick, so I really didn’t get a good feel on whether he felt good about my decision to join – he was very business speak in his tone. Forms, songs, and stylists – I’d only thought about the songs I wanted to maybe sing. Not about how to coordinate that with a band, wardrobe, a stylist… I was certainly late to this gig, “Ah… I was going to… Leave after work Monday night and get into Vegas probably around 1 AM. Not looking forward to the drive.”

“Oh… Most of the contestants are arriving Sunday. There’s a Meet / Greet Dinner Monday night, so you will have some catching up to do Tuesday morning,” he sounded slightly concerned, “So, you’re gonna drive, eh? Look, that’s a shitty drive, let me setup a flight for you. What time do you get off on Monday?”

“I get off at seven if there aren’t any late sale deals I need to get through financing,” I replied tentatively.

“Where do you work,” he asked.

“Cambridge Chevrolet in Sherman Heights…”

“You work in their finance department?”

“Yeah, started while in college, worked my way up…”

“Nice. So, if we got you on a flight after nine you’d be good?”

“Sure, I guess… Thank you, I appreciate not having to do that drive.”

“No problem. You’re saving me having to cut someone from the competition – least I can do is fly you out there. Let’s not mention that to anyone though.”

“Oh, Ok…”

“If you have any questions float me an email and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can. So, we’ll be seeing you in Vegas next week. Thanks again for accepting a spot in the competition Breanna. I really appreciate it.”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m sorry I was kind of bitchy about the offer. I, well it’s, it’s hard for us out there sometimes and I just wanted to say I was sorry.” AUGH! Why was that so hard?

“Not even a problem, I totally understand. I got to see my mom this week and I found a good fit for the competition – we’re all good. Hey, I gotta run, so… See you soon.”

“Oh, yeah… Sure, I’ll see you in Vegas…”

“Thanks Breanna… Goodbye.”

“Bye…”

And there was the encouragement I was hoping to hear out of him, ‘I found a good fit for the competition’. Not over the top encouragement, but he sounded genuine having said that. I would take it. I got the sense I wasn’t just a warm body filling a spot. That he mentioned understanding that there are challenges for those that are Transgender - bonus. OK, I feel good about my decision. I’m in, I’m going to do my best, this is going to be… Ah! I needed to get to work!

March 23th 11:23 AM
After checking in with the sales manager and Kaley, I closed my office door and dialed Bill’s cellphone, I don’t think it even rang once before I heard, “Yes…”

Huh? ‘Yes’? It wasn’t a question kind of a greeting, it was more of a statement. “What do you mean, ‘Yes’,” I asked Bill.

“I mean, ‘Yes’, I’ll go with you to Vegas…,” he said with a chuckle.

“Really! Oh my God! That would be so cool Bill… Thank you.” Hearing that I was instantly soaring. I was dreading having to figure out the music for what I wanted to sing while… Wait a second, “Hey! How did you know about Vegas?”

“Kaley told me…,” he said through a suppressed laugh.

“Ah… I’ll have to talk with her about loose lips and sinking singers careers. But seriously, you can make it?”

“Girl, I wouldn’t miss it! And whose going to keep you on point, some hired Vegas lounge pianist?”

“Charles is OK with you coming,” I asked. Charles was Bill’s husband – they married after California’s Prop 8 passed in 2008. They were perfect together and really a lot of fun – after Charles loosened up with a little alcohol in him.

“Is he alright? I don’t need his permiss…,” in the background, I could hear Charles cutting him off mid-sentence, “We’re both coming Brea, wouldn’t miss it… Congratulations.”

“Thanks Charles… Thank you Bill for agreeing. I’ve been stressing all morning about how I was going to function without you.”

We talked a few specifics and set up a time to meet at Bill’s place tonight after work. I just needed to bring a bottle of wine, they would have dinner waiting, and the real work would begin in regards to what I was singing. I felt relief, a real happiness I hadn’t felt in a long time, and some nerves – the good kind. With Bill there I was confident I could hang with anyone in the competition – I just needed to stay positive.

March 26th 10:56 PM
The last couple of days had been a grind. Between working nine days straight, practicing with Bill every night after work until midnight, and coordinating my participation in the competition from just over three-hundred miles away – I was nearing my tipping point. Even with all of that I had going on these last couple days I still managed to sneak out for a couple extended lunches with Kaley to spend the one thousand dollars the competition was allowing for wardrobe. I knew my song choices – Bill and I had agreed on three songs and I bought outfits that were in line with the style I wanted to portray and fit the songs. Nothing crazy, but certainly not something I’d probably have an opportunity to wear again – like a bridesmaids dresses essentially.

The hour-long flight to Vegas was uneventful – from check-in, to TSA screening – opting for the full body pat down after declaring myself as being Transgendered, to boarding, to sitting next to a guy who reeked of stale cigarettes – OK, maybe that guy detracted from a hassle free travel experience. I wanted to sleep on the plane, but my mind was going in twenty directions – all while trying to sing my songs silently in my head. I should be committed to the loony farm… To say I was wasted right this minute was an understatement.

I caught the hotels shuttle from the airport and at the front desk of the Grand Caymans Hotel, they were very polite and helpful. They knew who I was and what I was doing the next couple days while staying with them – based on the unsolicited encouragement they offered. I wondered if they were going to be guessing who was CIS and who was Transgendered all week – not sure why I thought that, just my cynical side shining through. Whatever…

I made it to my room, showered, and was in bed by midnight. Tomorrow it begins! Unfortunately at 7 AM. The first item on the day’s agenda - a contestant’s breakfast with a briefing on the contest, processes, outside the competition demands for our time, and expectations for the documentary they were filming. Augh, unplug, unplug… Sleep!

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Tuesday, March 27th 6:44 AM
I entered the conference room dressed business casual – what I was wearing wasn’t my first choice, but I was too tired to fight clothing choices at 5:30 AM. My nerves were certainly trying to get the better of me, but my biggest problem was not getting enough sleep. I slept like a rock, just didn’t get enough of it. Without some strong coffee, I was going to crash and crash hard.

There were a four women already seated around a long conference table, coffee cups in hand, plates of food from the buffet setup along a wall of windows with a partial view of the pool, and they were quietly talking amongst themselves. I smiled back to those that acknowledge my presence. In the corner of the room were two people gathered around a camera, one of them holding a microphone on a boom. They looked engrossed in what they were doing. I noticed a number of microphones on the table - guess we’re now on stage – that’s a little unsettling… I got in line behind a man getting food.

“Morning…”

“Good morning,” I replied with a smile trying to match his.

“Dana,” he said extending his hand after putting his plate down.

“Brea…,” I shook his hand. He had a perfectly trimmed goatee, close cropped hair – with the beginnings of salt and pepper grey showing. Dana looked fit, like he worked out daily – the muscular definition of his arms and what I could see through a loose fitting shirt and shorts was impressive. He was a decent looking guy, confident – but not cocky – very friendly vibe. Not sure why I thought this contest was going to be all woman competing – I felt foolish and hoped he didn’t read minds or my face showed any surprise about him being here.

“You must be our missing contestant? Little 411 from dinner last night – you didn’t miss anything. Seems like a pretty nice group of singers, at least so far. I’m really hoping it doesn’t get catty.”

“Oh... That’s good to know. I was worried I’d be on the outs…,” I said.

“Hey Michelle,” Dana said as if he were looking through me.

I turned to see a woman had joined us in line for food, “Hi, I’m Michelle, you must me Breanna?”

She had perfect teeth and I found it hard to concentrate on anything else about her except her ultra-white smile. “Nice to meet you…,” I got out before the pause got too long. Michelle was a little taller than I was, dressed as if she were going to an interview – which made me feel a little self-conscious, and her voice was silky smooth. If her control was this good just chatting, I could only imagine what her ability to sing was going to be like. Would be a lie to say I wasn’t intimidated by both Dana and Michelle – and all we’d done was introduced ourselves. Lovely - was I in over my head before this contest even got going?

Together we joined the others at the table and there was a round of quick introductions. Which was repeated when the last five contestants entered the room just before seven. I was going to fail a test of names if I was asked or ran into a few of these people outside this room. Dana, Michelle, and another man – Wyatt, were the easy ones to remember. Augh… I resisted looking back at the camera – I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like being in front of the camera these next couple days… Don’t let there be doubts about why you’re here, I thought... I am valid, I am worthy.

Tuesday, March 27th 7:12 AM
The volume in the room had gotten pretty loud as we all sat around eating and talking. The most common comment made – this contest was a pretty big deal for the transgender community. There was a lot of Pride talk, being proud to represent, which I found pretty cool that others were feeling the same as I was. By the time the staff running the show arrived I was pretty sure I knew the names of ten of the other eleven contestants. What’s that eleventh woman’s name? Jill, Jane... Augh! Damn it!

“Good morning everyone…,” the room fell silent, “I’m Karen Cole, I meet most of you last night – we’ve also been corresponding via email and had the occasional phone call. I want to welcome you again to The Grand Cayman Hotel and Casino and to our first ‘Transgender Day of Visibility Vocal Competition’. I hope everyone had a chance to meet our final contest Breanna Calloway,” she looked toward the end of the table I was sitting at, “She comes to us from San Diego and should fit in nicely.”

I smiled, politely – then Wyatt chimed in, “Everyone… ‘Welcome Breanna’…,” some in the room sang in chorus. That was followed by a few giggles and laughs. I’m pretty sure I was blushing… The cameraman was moving to my right and pointing his shoulder mounted camera at me. Lovely... Now I wanted to melt into the carpet or escape out the window behind me.

Karen wasted no time getting the program moving. First topic – security – which she explained would be tight on site, but on the strip we should not roam around alone. Vegas as a whole was fairly safe she explained, but we needed to stay vigilant. Someone asked about the protestors outside the hotel.

“The Vegas police have made it clear they are not welcome on our property. We have also filmed these people and our in-house security is monitoring them. We have extra security onsite and a response team in reserve. You shouldn’t have anything to worry about, we’ve got better security on site than most prisons and airports combined. Our facial recognition capabilities I’m told are better than what the federal government uses. Please don’t let a few narrow minded people ruin this event for you. I promise we’ve got the situation handled.”

Protestors? I hadn’t thought about that being an issue – guess I should have expected something like this. I had been to Vegas a few times while in college, so I’d seen enough of the strip to know there was certainly safety in numbers. Add to that – there really wasn’t much out here I wanted to see since I'd seen enough of it before. We were going to be so busy with all the activities for the show – no way we’d have down time to go run around the Vegas strip.

The rest of our morning was laid out – we’d break into three groups of four and follow a schedule for each of the pieces of the show. Group 1 would be off to hair / makeup / stylist consultations – where we were to present our clothing, hair, and makeup needs. Group 2 was to meet with the stage manager, audio technicians, and band – to go over everything in regards to our songs and any performance needs. Group 3 was to meet the PBS crew for our initial interviews. Every four hours the groups would shift stations until we were all through them, culminating in a group dinner party starting at 8:00 PM. Basically they were allowing an hour per contestant for each piece of the preparation process for the show.

Thank God, the schedule was printed out for us and after going over it verbally, one of Karen’s assistants was passing it out on a sheet of paper. There was even a map to where our groups were to meet. Amen! The handout also had the names of contestants assigned to each group and I saw that I was in Group 3 with Michelle, Wyatt, and contestant number eleven – Janet. Augh! So, close! I smiled about almost remembering her name. Being in Group 3 was a good thing for me, not just because I had good vibes about those in the group, but because we wouldn’t hit the stage portion of the process until 4:00 PM. Bill and Charles were supposed to arrive by 10 AM, so if there was any down time I would have a chance to coordinate meeting up with Bill.

Karen went over a few more details, including telling us about the first elimination show, which was to start tomorrow evening at 7:00 PM. The shows finale would be on Thursday at the same time and only feature the six contestants who were judged to be the best. I guess it's 'sing your ass off' or you're out. She also added that the pre-sale of tickets to the event showed we were just over halfway sold out for tomorrow night. I had looked up the main theaters capacity - seven hundred and forty-eight, so a touch bigger than the seventy patron shows I'd done recently. I chuckled to myself, then felt a lump in my throat when Karen said the finale was sold out.

I think when Karen hit us with the sold out finale news there were a few audible gasps – including my own failed attempts to swallow while trying to gasp. Whoa... This was a bigger deal than I had anticipated. I looked around the table and the confident looks of the other singers made me feel even more unprepared for what was to come. Was no one here nervous? Augh... No second thoughts - you can do this!

Tuesday, March 27th 8:59 AM
And then it was my turn in front of the firing squad – I mean the PBS interview crew. I had drawn the second slot, Michelle had gotten to lead our group of four off. While she was being interviewed Wyatt, Janet, and I were in a holding room and talking about everything under the sun – except the competition or the interview. That was a relief. I was having trouble suppressing my nerves right now and talking about singing or getting quizzed would have tipped me over.

But now I was following a production assistant, she’d introduced herself, but I had already forgotten her name. She was taking me to the conference room the interview would take place in. Augh… I hated when I did that! Forget someone's name two seconds after being introduced! When we entered the conference room there were two distinct sections – one contained two makeup stations with lights and hair stylist tools and the other - which I was dreading – a lighted stage area akin to a television interview show. Guess this wasn’t going to be Jerry Springer like, no crazed audience - that I could see. I smiled to myself thinking about Jerry Springer, which just happened to be on cue, because I was being presented to someone who looked like they were in charge.

“Breanna, welcome. I’m Gale Spence, producer for the PBS documentary we’ll be filming in conjunction with the Transgender Day of Visibility Vocal Competition. First things first – we’ll need you to silence or turn off your cellphone,” she requested politely.

I pulled my phone from my wristlet clutch and set it to ‘Silent’.

“Thank you… We just don’t want it going off during filming,” after she looked at her clipboard quickly she continued, “So, I’m going to turn you over to Marty and Tasha. They are going to get your makeup and hair prepped – nothing to technical because we want you looking as you do on any normal day, but with the lights we don’t want you looking washed out on camera. Any questions for me before I send off with Marty?”

Questions? Ah… Can I go back to my room and change my clothes? I had a dozen or so others before walking in here. Now I was drawing a total blank. I wish I had had a chance to talk to Michelle about her interview and get an idea of how this was going to go. Crap! Think… “I was wondering what the focus of this documentary was going to be,” I asked sounding like I wasn’t sure that’s what I really wanted to ask and just asking a question to ask one. Augh! What a stupid question - I already knew the answer!

“Good question… The goal is to show people you’re no different from them. You’ve got dreams, quirks, desires, and many of the same struggles they have… That you know you were born in the wrong body is confusing to many people. This is a chance for you to tell your story and maybe demystify some of your journey for them. I promise you, Leza Howell gets where you’re coming from, she's a very good interviewer. Do you recognize the name?”

Leza Howell? Are you kidding me! She was a trans woman, a transgender activist, and a part of the coalition for transgendered persons rights that started the Transgender Day of Visibility. No pressure! Augh! “Yes, I know who Leza Howell is…”

“Excellent… How this is going to work is after makeup and hair, you’ll be brought over to the set,” she pointed to the lighted stage, “And filming will begin as soon as you enter the stage area. Leza will introduce herself, shake hands – you’ll obviously introduce yourself – you’ll both sit, then it’s going to be a freeform conversation between you both. Leza will keep the conversation going, so don’t worry about having to carry the interview. You aren’t here to interview Leza, but she will respond to questions or may add to a topic you comment on. Just ignore the cameras, all three will be recording and in editing we’ll take the best angle for the content being discussed. It would be best if you didn’t look at the cameras, you are having a conversation with Leza, and watching the camera will look odd. Just relax, be yourself, and don’t worry about sharing with…”

“How long is this going to take,” I asked interrupting her, nervous energy getting the worst of me.

“We would like to get about thirty, maybe forty minutes tops of you and Leza talking. Trust me, we’ll be cutting you off before you realize that much time has passed. We’ve tentatively agreed to edit down the interview to five to eight-minute segments per contestant, depending on subject matter and how the interview flows. It could be we edit it to bounce around from contestant to contestant, I haven’t decided yet to tell you the truth. I need to see what we end up with – I can assure you we will present your story in an honest way and in the most flattering manner possible. I don’t want to coach you, that’s why Michelle didn’t return to the holding room, we’re looking for the true you to come out in the interview,” she replied, “Just be you and you’ll do perfectly,” she finished her instructions with a smiling.

I wish I felt more confident after hearing the format. I mean, I talk to people daily, but that’s about their car financing and trying to slip in up selling features like maintenance plans, extended warranties, and whatever. I didn’t talk about me, my fears or aspirations – even with friends – generally… I could make small talk - but that's not what this documentary was about. Someone walked over to where Gale and I were standing, “Hi Breanna, I’m Marty – we ready for some makeup?”

I nodded and followed her to the hair and makeup setup in this makeshift studio. Just go with it I thought… Should be over before I know it – that’s what Gale said, right?

Tuesday, March 27th 9:16 AM
“Breanna Calloway, welcome… Welcome. I’m Leza Howell,” she began, extending her hand – which I took and shook.

“Hi, so nice to meet you. I’m a little star stuck right now, I want to apologize for that in advance if I can’t hold a coherent thought,” I replied nervously.

“No worries Breanna, you’ll do fine, sit please,” she waved a hand to a cushioned chair on the left side of a small table placed between two chairs, “How are you feeling about the singing competition so far,” she led off the interview questioning with an easy one.

“It’s a little over whelming, moving pretty fast... I just hope I can put on a good show and make it past tomorrows first cuts…”

“I’m sure you’ll do fine. I heard someone came out to your home town to audition you. Well, San Diego isn’t really a town,” she said with a giggle. I was smiling and feeling a little more relaxed – maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad. “How did that go?”

“I actually didn’t know he was there to audition me. Honestly, I thought he was stalking me…”

“Really? Have you experienced someone stalking you before,” she asked, a hint of concern in her voice.

“Online certainly. I've had a lot of hate spewed at me on my Instagram and Tumblr accounts over the past couple years. I call it the 'Division of Thirds'. A third of the people I interact with are trans or curious, a third are those fetish junky types, and the last third are the hate mongers. I had to delete my Facebook account because of the haters. I generally ignore those hate posts. I do report the really creepy one’s, especially if there are threats involved. I’m pretty careful about what I post online so people can’t just pop in on me someplace I frequent,” I wrapped up that thought because I felt like I was rambling. Did I say anything meaningful? Augh… Don't look at the camera... Don't...

“If you had to describe the person posting the hate, how would you,” she asked.

Her voice was like silk, mesmerizing. I felt like I could talk to her all day, “Conservative maybe, very right-wing…,” I paused to consider where I was going with this answer, “A lot of religion involved in these people’s lives. Which is funny that they throw so much hate at me, not even knowing me, and thinking their God would approve of their behavior. I'm really in the middle of the left and right extremes a Centerist...”

“Do you believe in God, Breanna?”

“Wow, nothing like putting me on the spot,” I smiled uncomfortably, “Yes, I believe in God. I’ve asked him a million times why, why I got the wrong body… He still hasn’t answered me, but I think he gets me out of jams sometimes... Gives me the strength to battle on,” I tried to chuckle, but it felt as uncomfortable as trying to answer the question.

“If he ever does answer you, ask him about me - I've been asking that same question for a long time,” she said with a smile. “What bothers you the most about the haters attacks?"

“I don’t enjoy the ‘I hope you die…’ or ‘You will burn in hell…’ type of posts – those are relentless, I easily get a couple dozen posts like that a day. No one has ever screamed that in my face at any trans event I've ever gone to, but with the anonymity of the internet it makes it certainly easier for the haters. I think what bothers me is I’ve got struggles and they just don’t understand any of this path I’m on.”

“When did you make up your mind to transition?”

“I was eighteen, midway through my high school senior year. I talked to my mom about how I was feeling and after a month of conversations she set up an appointment with a psychologist specializing in gender counseling. That went well, I needed someone in the medical field to talk me down off the ledge I was on. My mom joined my sessions after the first couple and pretty much we all decided I wasn’t crazy… I started growing my hair out - it was already pretty long - and making subtle changes before the end of my senior year. HRT didn’t start until I was nineteen due to insurance issues.”

“Do you think people feeling the way you do are crazy,” she asked concerned.

“Oh no… The best thing I ever did was come out to my mom and her insisting I seek help. Only you know who you are both inside and out – trust that little voice inside your head. The depression, the anxiety, disassociation, all of that crap will eat you alive if you don't get it off your chest and out of your mind and in the open. You can't become the gender you know you are alone - you need the help of those running the system. Certainly can be a battle in itself - the system - but if transitioning is what you believe in you can battle through it. If you don't come out into the light- you might make yourself crazy...," was I preaching? Augh... Please don't use this dribble in your documentary I wanted to scream...

“What did your father have to say about your knowing you were Breanna?”

“My parents divorced when I was nine and the last time I heard anything from him was when I was eleven, maybe twelve…”

“Do you think not having a father figure around contributed to your gender identity, to becoming Breanna?”

Huh? Why would not having a dad around have anything to do with what was going on with my gender identity? “No, pretty sure I knew I was different by the time I was seven or eight. My mom told me in preschool I was showing signs of being ‘gender confused’. That’s the way the teacher described it to her – I was confused. The teacher based her observations solely on me wanting to dress in the dresses they had in the ‘dramatic play area’ and then I would playing with the kitchen toys. I have no idea what my dad thought about that or if he even knew. I’ll have to ask my mom tomorrow… I don’t remember preschool, but I think it was the right move for the teacher to not try to correct my behavior. Just so happens I worked it out on my own and I think that’s the way it was meant to be…”

“Is your mom coming to watch you compete?”

“Yeah, I asked her not too, but she doesn’t listen to me sometimes… Pride Parade, transgender community events, she’s always tagging along. We’re pretty close…”

“She sounds like a strong woman, a good role model…”

“Oh my God, she’s the absolute best friend I have. Strong and independent, without being in your face. Well, unless you’re her daughter. I know I will always get a straight answer from her regardless of what I ask her. I’m very lucky…”

“Did she influence your decision to transition?”

“No, it was my decision. I sprung it on her – she just supported me like any good parent should…”

“Do you think she wanted a daughter,” Leza asked with a questioning look on her face.

Whoa… No! I could feel my face flushing. Would the cameras pick that up? “No, pretty sure she just wanted a happy, healthy, and well-adjusted kid. I think I delivered on that. Never really caused her much angst growing up, no drugs or arrests or teen pregnancies to worry about. Do I think she likes having a daughter now rather than a son – I'm not sure she cares to tell you the truth. We were close before I transitioned… I've never asked her. I would guess she had suspicions that I was struggling...”

"Struggling? Like how," she asked.

"I don't know, not wanting to play sports, no girl friends, that kind of thing..." I hoped that was good enough, though the real answer was certainly more complex. She had to know that...

“I understand you’re a college graduate,” she stated, “How would you describe the acceptance you received from,” she looked at a note card, “The University of San Diego and the student body?”

She was shifting gears and I wondered how this interview was going to get edited into something people were going to find interesting and hold their attention… Maybe the other contestants had colorful stories. So far my life in transition sounded very vanilla. “I certainly had my moments with a few ignorant types, but for the most part the university and everyone just let me be me – no special treatment or considerations were laid out for me. I appreciate that. Not really much else to tell – I did my time, studied my ass off, and graduated with a BS in Marketing a semester early.”

“Did you date while you were in college?”

“Yes…” that came out as tentative. Did I want to keep that to myself? No, I wasn’t ashamed of trying to date.

“How did you approach that…”

“I was up front about who I was and the guys either ran and forever looked / treated me different or were curious enough to see what I was all about. Nothing lasted more than a couple weeks, probably less than that. Wasn’t like I had a packed social calendar – pretty much school, work, and living with my mom made up my life back then. Tough to make that kind of existence look sexy…,” I chuckled slightly, it didn’t register on Leza.

“Any heartbreak?”

“Sure, we all want to be accepted, wanted, loved… I’ve had my fair share of rejection and heartbreak…” I felt my shoulders droop and sat up straight to maintain the look of confidence I had before her question. "After college I tried a few online dating sites - they were more trouble than they were worth."

"Like how?"

"The men responding either didn't read my profile and see the 'Transgender Woman' designation or were fetish junkies. In three months I only went out with two guys and like I said - short lived experiences."

"What drove them away do you think," she asked seeming genuinely interested.

"One didn't catch the 'Trans' profile and the other, after our second date said he couldn't see me anymore because he didn't know how to tell his parents."

"Why would he need to tell his parents?"

"Yeah, my question exactly... I mean, we weren't about to get married any time soon, so what was the big deal. I present as who I am, was he worried I couldn't pass? I have no idea... I kind of liked him," my voice trailed off.

"I'm sorry Breanna...," Leza pause as if considering the next question, "What do you look for in a man? Let's get some positive mojo going here...," she said with some energy.

Ah - I'd be happy if they didn't look at me and think I was a freak when they found out I was trans! I wasn't about to say that, but I certainly thought it, "I'm attracted to guys with a good sense of humor and who aren't full of themselves...," I quickly added, "And they have to be alright with a smartass - I tend to be snarky..."

"Good to know. Physical features that get your attention?"

"A nice smile I guess. Is there such a thing as caring eyes?"

"I'm not sure, but I've gotten lost in some sexy eyes before...," Leza replied. "How about kissing?"

"Oh God... Yes, be a good kisser."

"Like...," she drug the word out to annunciate it.

"Don't be robotic, slow the tongue-age down, don't be afraid to pull me in closer, tighter..."

"Oooo girl, now you're cooking...," she said with a smile. “How long have you been on HRT and have you had any work done? I obviously have...”

“Almost four years now since I started HRT… As a college graduation present my mom gave me a choice of having my nose tweaked and a little FFS or get breast implants. I choose the nose job, tracheal shave, and I'm embarrassed to say - having my ears pinned back a little. I’m happy with the results and it really helped with the dysphoria – not a cure by any means.”

"No interest in implants then," Leza asked.

The question sounded like she wasn't certain she should have asked, "Certainly I'd like to have more, but I don't want future back problems either," that was my attempt to make light of a situation that really did bother me, but I just had to live with right now. "My doctor told me my A-and-a-half cups were pretty much all I was going to develop this late in transition for my age. I now settle for buying the right bras to accentuate what I've got. That helps me look more like I want...," I paused, "It a dysphoria trigger, but not as much as other things..."

“Tell me about the dysphoria you feel, is it often?”

Jesus… I only get thirty minutes here Leza – this could take hours to explain! How do I condense this, “I’m sure at some point you yourself felt adrift, not sure of your identity after you began your transition. A lot of depression, questioning of myself, and anxiety - especially when you first come out to family and friends. I had lots of fear those first couple months of college living as myself. Until SRS there will always be a daily pang of gender dysphoria - at least for me. You’re living your life as who you know you are and every time you speak you're worried about not sounding as you appear. When you shower, go to the bathroom, try to pick out clothes to wear that don’t reveal that last bit of you from a different life, your male appendage…”

Leza interrupted my ramble, “You can say penis, pretty sure they won’t bleep that word on PBS,“ she said smiling.

“Yes... Until you’ve completed SRS your penis is one powerful reminder that you aren’t really who you are projecting with every ounce of being in your soul… It can really screw with your mind - at least it does mine.”

“Yeah, but you know that even after SRS there are times when you’re going to be visited by that dysphoria gorilla…”

“I’ve talked to women about that, the depths that it wants to pull you down aren’t nearly as crushing as before SRS…,” I replied.

“I would agree with that. Is SRS something you are considering?”

“When I can afford it. Got a college loan and a host of other things burning up my paychecks…”

“Your pronouns?”

“She / her…” Wasn’t that obvious with my college dating answers?

“Ever experiment with another woman, any interest?”

Whoa! Left field question. Not sure I’m comfortable with answering that one, “No, no experience. I think it would depend on the woman... Geez, not sure why that thought got me a little flustered. Let’s just leave it at that…" Was it warm in here? I'm sure the camera could see my embarrassment. Oh well...

“Fair enough… Did you really have your ears pinned," she asked while picking up a photo I had supplied of myself pre-transition. She held it up for one of the cameras to get a good look at, "Your ears in this picture are darn cute Breanna," she said looking at it again, smiling at me before setting the picture back on the table.

"Augh... Thanks Leza...," was all I could muster.

"Do you have any words you live by, a mantra?”

“I’ve always liked - Being who you are is freedom, loving yourself being who you are is happiness…”

“Beautiful… I like that…”

There was movement off stage and Gale Spence was waving at us, then speaking to the camera operators. Had thirty minutes really passed? Leza was getting up from her chair and I stood also.

Tuesday, March 27th 9:51 AM
“I enjoyed interviewing you Breanna… You’re quite the woman,” she said smiling.

“Thank you, I’ve always admired your work with the Transgender community. If you are ever in San Diego and want a tour of the town, please give me a call…,” I fished a business card for the dealership out of my wallet and handed it to her.

“I’ll do that… Thank you.”

“Breanna, that was a perfect interview. I really enjoyed that. Nice job Leza,” Gale looked around the room, “Kip, let’s get Breanna to the front desk – you can get to your room from there, right?”

“Yes…,” I said confident I knew my way around once out of the conference room area of the hotel.

“Excellent… One favor, don’t discuss the interview process with the other contestants still needing to get filmed, I would appreciate that.”

“Oh, absolutely…" I agreed, but honestly didn't think I would run into anyone from the other groups before dinner tonight.

“Perfect, you have your schedule – I think you’re group is free until noon. Any last questions?”

Leza had stepped off the stage and was talking to a woman I had not noticed earlier in the makeshift studio. I had wanted any opportunity to talk more with her, but it sounded like I was being ushered out to get the next person, Wyatt, in and interviewed. I wondered how long it was going to take for them to compile this documentary and asked. Gale said it would be at least six months and we’d all be notified via email when it was going to air. We shook hands and her production assistant, Kip – the person I had forgotten her name – escorted me to the front desk. How could I forget a name like Kip?

Tuesday, March 27th 10:02 AM
After Kip dropped me off at the front desk I quickly headed for the elevators to get to my room and get this damn makeup off. Inside the elevator I fished my phone out of my wristlet clutch and made sure the ringer was on. Two people got off on the third floor and it was just me and another guest going to the sixth floor. I looked at my phone and noticed I had text messages from my mom and Bill, no missed calls.

Mom, 9:20 AM: "Good luck today! I'll be there tomorrow around noon. Call you after I land. Love you, stay safe."

Bill, 9:59 AM: "Just landed... Want off this flying tin can. Kid kicked my seat almost the entire way. You better win this thing or else! Oh, Charles says Hi... We'll look for you when we get to the hotel. Hugz!"

That meant Bill and Charles were at least a half hour from getting here. I had time to get this makeup off, get my wardrobe arranged - both outfits I had chosen with Kaley's help, and meet up with Bill and Charles. Maybe they could just come to my room? I texted my room number to Bill with the note, "601 - Let's meet in my room when you are settled. I've got an appointment at noon."

Almost immediately I got a reply. Bill, 10:05 AM: "Still on this GD plane!"

Me: "I'm sorry. It will get better. Drinks on me tonight?"

Bill, 10:05 AM: "You know it!"

Me: "LOL!"

Bill, 10:06 AM: "I'm serious!"

Me: "I know"

Bill being here was going to make things with the band so much easier. He could speak their speak and if necessary show them what I needed to be successful in this competition. I doubt the show producers would let Bill play for me - which would really put me in my comfort zone - I was going to ask, even though I knew what their answer would be. Charles, Bill, Kaley and I spent an hour arguing about what made the perfect song choice over the weekend. I always felt those singing shows singers would bite off too much - trying to duplicate Celine, Mariah, Whitney, or even Beyonce vocally - are you nuts! And if that wasn't their first mistake, it was song choice and arrangement. I needed to avoid those traps.

Between us, it was decided our modified version of Britney Spears' song - Toxic was my best shot at making it to the second round. Of all the songs we had performed together, everyone thought this one had enough artistic spin and that sultry hook from slowing it down to be relevant. Tough to argue the logic in choosing this song, but all I could think was - artistically the songs arrangement could move me on - likely, but I had to back it up with flawless vocals.

My second song - the one that I would have to sing my ass off to beat out the other five finalists - took several hours to hammer out. Everyone had their own opinions and none of them were the same. I wanted to sing 'Careless Whisper' by Wham. We had performed that song with just the piano accompaniment and it really worked. There were women in the audience crying after we perform our version. I tried reminding everyone of that, but the running argument was not to do the same type of accompaniment as Toxic. Augh! I had a few other song choices, but held onto them as the others argued their favorites.

Kaley wanted me to do 'Just like Heaven' by the Cure. If I thought the band could pull it off - it was a catchy song, but was it enough to highlight my vocals? Love the song, just thought it had more musical hook than showing any vocal strength. Bill suggested he could play with the timing, I nixed the idea. Charles offered up Elton John's, 'All the Young Girls Love Alice'. His reasoning - play to the crowd. There were approving nods at the same time Kaley was refilling wine glasses. Loved the song and it did play to some that would certainly be in the crowd...

Kaley suggested something by the Goo Goo Dolls, "You kill with any of their songs Brea..."

I looked at Bill who seemed to be agreeing. What if, I blurted out, "4 Non Blondes..."

Bill interrupted my thought, "What's Up..." There were more enthusiastic head nods around the living room. He continued, "You want to get the audience to feel you singing - because they'll be singing along with you - that's the song. The intro, everyone will know what's coming and be primed to join in..."

"Love that song... Do it like the original, don't change the arrangement. See how it sounds with the band and worst case we just use the original song minus the vocals...," I added.

"Yeah, keep it original, it's going to be tough to replicate vocally. You can hit those notes," he asked.

"William, she can hit those notes...," Charles piped up in my defense. When Charles was annoyed with Bill he would call him William - it was cute.

Bill rolled his eyes, "I wasn't saying she couldn't, but it's not exactly in her lane either, am I right Brea?"

"I can sing the song Bill..."

And it was decided, Toxic and What's Up were what we were pinning our hopes on for me to win this thing. What came next was a lot of practicing on my part. I smiled, nearing the end of the halfway, but that disappeared quickly when I sensed someone was behind me...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Tuesday, March 27th 10:07 AM
Shit! I had been so engrossed in my phone I had totally lost sight of my surroundings. I was smarter than this, usually! Now I was sure the guy from the elevator was right behind me... Yes, I entered the elevator with maybe five others, but upon exiting on my floor it was only me and the guy wearing a hoodie left in the elevator. The guys hoodie covered too much of his head and face - why didn't that set off any alarms?! He let me exit the elevator first - no alarm bells going off in my mind - was I really that disconnected, clueless? I had turned left and a couple feet down the hall it was obvious he was behind me. Coincidence? Why didn't I look at him closer? I could have stayed on the elevator...

Instantly I was very aware of the story my mom had told me about a woman in Seattle being followed off the elevator at her hotel and being attacked in the hallway. That woman had been smart enough not to go to her room and get trapped in there by the homeless guy who attacked her. Her screaming brought out someone to rescue her - did I need rescuing? How was I going to deal with this guy following me? There were cameras everywhere - was this guy stupid enough to think he hadn't been captured at some point? Augh!

OK, don't go to your room - pick a door and knock. Hope to hell an MMA fighter or football linebacker opens the door and Mr. Hoodie keeps on walking by... At room 604 I stopped and knocked on the door without looking at my hooded friend. He had stopped also and I could sense he was watching me from a few feet behind me. When no one answered the door I knocked again and looked towards the guy, "Forgot my key...," I squeaked pathetically. He didn't say anything, but wasn't moving on either. I followed up with, "My husband is in there," and I knocked a third time.

"You sure you have the right room?"

His voice chilled my skin, but I held my ground, "Pretty sure my husband is in there... Just got off the phone with him." I was trying my best to sound confident, but my voice felt shaky.

I watched as he stepped towards me and I moved back, more like jumped back, as he reached for something in his hoodie pocket at his waist. It was a key card. He slid it into the lock for room 604 and the locks LED light shown green. He opened the door, "Pretty sure my brother hasn't been in Vegas long enough to get married, but I wouldn't be surprised by anything Dana does these days..."

What? He said 'Dana', pronounced it 'Dan-Ah'. Dana, the guy from the competition? This guy was his brother? The confusion on my face must have spoken volumes because he had a concerned look on his face, then spoke, "You... You're part of the singing competition aren't you?" He pulled the hood from his head after asking the question.

I could only nod.

"I'm only guessing mind you, but it looks like you've been interviewed by the PBS folks..."

"How do you know that," I asked.

"Actually I don't, but you look like you've got a lot of makeup on, so I'm just guessing..." He had a nice smile and I could certainly see similarities between him and Dana - they were definitely siblings.

"Oh... Yeah, I was just makeup... I mean... I was, just finished the interview..." What the hell! Why couldn't I speak a coherent sentence?

"So, you and Dana aren't... Well, you two aren't married or something like that are you," he asked with a smile. He seemed to be enjoying my discomfort. If he knew how fast my heart was pounding right now he might not be so amused about scaring the shit out of me.

"No, we're not... I, I'm part of the competition. I met Dana this morning, very nice guy... I like your brother..." Why did I sound so stupid?!

"Yeah, he's something...," he chuckled, "I'm Tyler, Dana's brother and you are...," he let the question hang.

"I'm Brea, Breanna..."

"Nice to meet you Brea, Breanna..."

I was flustered from the panic, but there was more to it than that... Dana's brother was a good looking guy, relaxed, and not repulsed by the fact I was Transgendered - he had to know, right? He had gorgeous blue eyes, surfer boy dirty blonde hair, and from what I could tell through a baggie hoodie - a decent body above nice legs - showing below the shorts he had on. Augh! What are you doing?!! Make your exit! You've got things to do...

"You going to be at the dinner tonight?"

Him speaking snapped my mind back to the here and now - and the need to get on with my day. "Yeah, it's at 8:00 PM, so I'll... I'm going." Fuck! What is my problem?!

"Nice, maybe I'll see you there - buy you a drink or something...," he said smiling.

"Yeah, I'm... I'll be there, so I can look for Dana and you, you two..." I had to stop because I was speaking in full-blown bimbo mode and I absolutely was hating myself right now. I turned to head toward my room without saying anything further to embarrass myself. I pulled my keycard from my wristlet clutch, inserted it in the lock, and opened my door. I looked back toward, FUCK! What was his name? Tim jumped in my head, no... Tyler! God dang it! Tyler was entering Dana's room and I watched the door shut behind him.

I entered my room and leaned against the door after it shut. What the hell was that?! Everything about that interaction sucked and that he didn't watch me enter my room pretty much said he was done with me. Did I care? Probably has a girlfriend and doesn't need to waste his time on someone with issues like mine. Fuck! I could have handled that better...

My phone vibrated. It was a text from Bill, 10:12 AM: "Can you believe this shit! We haven't docked this plane at the gate yet! Not sure how much longer we're going to be."

I replied, "I'm sorry... I've got wardrobe and makeup at 1:00 PM. I get the band at 5:00 PM. Then there's a contestant dinner tonight - which you and Charles are coming as my guests, PLEEEAAASE!!"

Bill, 10:13 AM: "Sorry, Charles got us tickets to the Blue Man show tonight at 7... I'll text you when we're off this rust bucket. How's the hotel?"

"IDK, haven't done much but sleep and go to contestant meetings. I was interviewed by Leza Howell for the PBS documentary. That was wild!"

Bill, 10:15 AM: "I've heard of her, she coordinated the San Fran Transgender march on city hall last month... How did the interview go?"

"Fine, doubt I said anything ground breaking or profound..."

Bill, 10:15 AM: "You need to relax... You are valid, you are worthy... Look into the spa, Charles already did and has a massage scheduled for tomorrow."

"Yeah, you have no idea... I do need to relax"

Bill, 10:15 AM: "OMG finally we're moving! Going to a different gate now! We'll come to your room after we get settled."

"Sounds good... Thank you for coming. Really means a lot to me. Love ya..."

Bill 10:16 AM: "Wouldn't have missed it... Hugz!"

Time to get this caked on makeup off! And to figure out how to not be a bumbling idiot the rest of my stay here!

Tuesday, March 27th 11:15 AM
I had successfully removed the interview makeup and applied makeup to match the third outfit change in the Britney Spears video for the song Toxic. I was going to duplicate that outfit and was wearing form fitting low cut black leather pants, stiletto heeled black boots, elbow length black gloves, a red wispy shawl, and a leather bra-like top that closely matched hers from the video. To match her look completely I had also purchased a long black wig. All told I was just over six-hundred dollars into this outfit - not my money thank goodness! Insane, the leather pants were pretty sexy and very, very expensive.

I stepped back, grabbed my air microphone, and sang a few lines slowly to the full mirror on the closet slider door. Not bad, not bad at all... I smiled and moved a few stray hairs aside, while getting used to the ache growing from my feet in these heeled boots. My curves were good enough to pull this outfit off - though I'd never be caught dead in this outside of this contest. Check that - maybe I would wear this to a Halloween party. Since the leather pants were so tight, tucking was crucial and I had that locked down with a gaff thong, surgical grade tape, and a pair of boy shorts compression panties over all that constriction happening down there. It wasn't the most comfortable, but I could handle it for a couple hours. I was happy with the look - I just needed to sing my ass off and incorporate some of the dance gyrations I'd worked out with Kaley. If I could...

A knock at the door made my heart jump. Augh! I looked out the peephole and saw Bill. He hadn't seen my outfit choice yet, so this was going to be fun. I pulled the door open and sang, "I'm addicted to you, cause you know that you're toxic..."

The look on his face spoke volumes, at least I think it did. He didn't move for a second and I swear his jaw dropped. "Holy shit... Brea," he said after trying to take it all in.

"Get in here silly," I reached for his arm to pull him in.

"Whoa... Even if you can't sing a lick of that song you should win for that outfit. Leather pants? I like..."

My heart was swelling... It felt good to get those compliments from him and I hugged him.

"OK, turn for me...," he spun his finger around to emphasis the request after I let him go.

I did a little catwalk towards the windows, then turned back towards him and walked seductively back.

He watched with a critical eye, "Your makeup isn't complete, right?"

"No, but it'll be a match to the video. Got a few screen grabs on my phone to show the makeup artists."

"You look amazing Brea..."

"Thank you... God I'm so nervous, I can't stand it. I was afraid this outfit was going to be to over the top."

"No, it's on point. With the arrangement being flipped like we have it - your outfit takes the delivery to the opposite extreme. I don't think any other outfit would work, do you?"

"No, I think this outfit makes a statement, like the arrangement. Where's Charles," I asked.

Bill chuckled, "Slot machine slut... Couldn't get out of the airport without him wanting to play ten-dollars at some quarter machine. After we got to the room he was like, 'Tell Brea I'll catch up with her later...', doubt you'll see him before we head to the Blue Man show..."

I smiled, but my face switched to concern when there was a knock at the door.

"Probably Charles," Bill said, and turned to open the door. "Can I help you?"

I tried to get a glimpse at who was at the door, but my view was blocked by the door itself and where Bill was standing. I heard the person reply, "I was looking for Breanna..." It almost sounded like whomever it was, was asking a question.

Bill looked over his shoulder, "You have a visitor Brea...," he said while opening the door completely to reveal Tyler in the hallway.

I cringed inside and wanted to slap Bill on the back of the head for opening the door like that! I didn't want this guy seeing me like this! Crap! It was too late to duck into the bathroom and by the look on Tyler's face he'd gotten a good look at my Britney wannbe outfit. Could this day get any worse?

"Hey Breanna... I, I just wanted to... Whoa, ah, you look..."

Before he could finish Bill provided him with the word, "Amazing..."

"Oh, yeah... Totally, yes... Amazing... Are you wearing that for the competition," he croaked out as if tripping on his words, not sure what to say.

Bill answered for me, "Yes, do you like?"

What the hell! Bill! I clenched my jaw so tightly it ached. I walked up behind Bill and tapped him on the shoulder, "I got this William..."

He looked at me quizzically before moving out of the way, but not before flashing me a knowing smile before leaving Tyler and I at the door. Was there some visible chemistry thing going on here that people can see? Augh! "Hey Tyler... What's up?" I tried to sound all casual, but dressed as I was I'm sure I sounded uptight.

"Oh, I... I wanted to apologize for earlier. Didn't mean to spook you or anything..."

He sounded sincere, so I rolled with it, "Yeah, I pretty much had my nose so deep in my phone I didn't realize what was going on with my surroundings. Can we not tell Dana about my attempt at getting into his room? Wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea..." I tried to smile, but felt very self-conscious about my appearance.

Tyler was smiling, "Sure, but you have to let me buy you a drink tonight..."

That was a bit bold, but I agreed with a slight nod.

"Cool, then I'll see you at dinner...," he said, a hopeful look on his face and sounding much more relaxed.

"I'll see you there..."

Tuesday, March 27th 11:21 AM
"What the hell, Bill!" I unloaded exasperated after the door was shut and I stared him down for a second...

"What? He's cute...," was his reply.

"Yeah, but opening the door when I'm all Britney slut like? Come on...," I complained.

"Did you see the look on his face," Bill asked with a slight chuckle, "Pretty sure he was mesmerized... You vixen you!"

"Yes, and I felt the uncomfortable stare also... Geesh!"

"What was that apology stuff all about?"

I explained the elevator ride and got to relive the embarrassment of meeting Tyler. Bill laughed, but did bring it around to something my mom might say, "You need to be more aware of your surroundings Brea..."

"Yeah, yeah... I screwed up - but really, I could have handled him if things went sideways."

"Oh really? Like what, falling into his arms for a big kiss?" Bill was laughing at me again. It annoyed me, but in the scheme of all that had happened today I could use a little grounding, so I let it go. Doesn't mean I didn't give him a pouty face though. He hugged me and assured me he loved me, but was going to kick my ass if I didn't pay attention to my surroundings better. At least he didn't threaten to tell my mom!

We spent the next half-hour discussing my outfit for the 'What's Up' song and arrangement specifics. He had me sing runs, emphasizing volume changes and breathing control. Bill was the consummate musician and vocal coach all rolled into one. I was lucky to have him in my life and here in Vegas to assist. Without him here I doubt I could maintain my nerves.

When he was satisfied I was in my lane vocally we talked about the arrangements some more and he produced a no vocals version of the 'What's Up' song - in case I forgot my copy. I laughed, "I have my copy of this, Thank you..." We laughed, but it was nice to know he had my back - yet again. We'd practiced the song with him at the piano and with the recording. We studied the video together and when it came to duplicating the singing style I felt like I was ready. He promised to meet me at 5:00 PM for the setup of my songs with the band.

We hugged at the door and he was off to find Charles, maybe grab lunch.

Tuesday, March 27th 1:01 PM
I was greeted by hotel staff members participating in the running of the singing competition at the staging conference room for makeup and wardrobe. I had my outfits in a small carry-on sized suitcase and turned that over to the stylist assigned to me - Deanna. She was a great listener and had nothing to add in regards to my outfit choices - which made me feel pretty good.

We talked about the two wigs I had purchased, the Britney long black and 4 Non Blondes dreadlocks. She had me try both on and after some minor adjustments - needed one's - I was happy with her input on how to wear them both.

Deanna turned me over to Andrew for the makeup portion of this appointment and again - a simple couple tweaks to my vision and I was digging how my makeup looked. Not just the Britney version, but the simple 4 Non Blondes application.

In less than forty-five minutes I was through this phase of the competition and released until my meeting with the band at 5:00 PM. Deanna warned me that I should drink plenty of water, stay away from alcohol, and get a good night's rest tonight. She said before the show there would be a two hour window to get ready to perform. I thanked her for the advice, assured her - partying was not something I was into and I would be prepared for tomorrow.

I headed back to my room, set an alarm on my phone, called the front desk for a wakeup call, and crashed so hard it took me a second to realize what all the noise was in my room between the room's phone ringing and my cellphone alarm complaining at me... Augh, I probably should have skipped the nap. My brain felt foggy and it took me nearly five minutes to actually get up the energy to sit up. I looked at the clock on the bedside table - 4:07 PM. I needed to get moving...

Tuesday, March 27th 5:23 PM
"Wait... Can we slow this down even more," I asked.

Brian adjusted the tempo and I continued to sing, " Too high... Can’t come down... It’s in the air And it’s all around... Can you feel me now..."

That felt better I thought, but Brian wasn't Bill on piano. We had talked the arrangement out and while Brian was good about listening to Bill and seemed to understand the needs for this switched up arrangement - I just wasn't feeling it like I had hoped. Short of Bill taking Brian's seat at the piano, I was having some serious doubts about my chances to advance in this competition. Maybe I should sing 'What's going on...' first? Was that my best chance at advancing? Augh! "Once more from the top...," I requested.

Brian smiled and flipped the sheet music Bill had provided to the first page and after a nod began playing. OK, that sounds better... On my mark I began singing, "Baby, can’t you see... I’m calling... A guy like you should wear a warning... It’s dangerous... I’m fallin’..."

When Brian let the last bars hang, I looked towards Bill, who threw up two thumps up. I nodded and smiled towards Brian, "I think that's it... Thank you." It was the fourth run through for the song and that was the best one yet. My nerves subsided just slightly, but not completely.

"No problem. I've got your recording and sheets here. I see what you're trying to do and I'll work on this some more tonight. You want to do it again?"

"No, I think that's the way I need it tomorrow," I replied.

"OK, we'll do a run through tomorrow if you want. Did you want the full band for your second song," Brian asked.

I looked towards Bill, he nodded 'No'. "I think I'm going to use the original track," I replied. Did Bill sense a weakness in the band I wondered...

"Sure... Mike, you want to cue Breanna' second song...,"

In my in-ear monitor (IEM) I could hear someone say, "Brea, we've set your levels for Toxic - you sounded great by the way. Anything you think you want changed?"

I turned toward stage-left and could see Mike standing by the mixing board, "No, I think it sounded good...," I turned toward Bill standing at the front of the stage and asked, "Levels?"

"Sounded right in that last take Brea," Bill said smiling.

God, I wish I had half the confidence he had in me right now... "Let's keep them set on that last take Please..."

"OK, I've got them saved. Give me a sec and I'll queue your second song..."

A minute later the unmistakable guitar riff from 'What's going on' began to play throughout the theater, but I was missing the sound in my IEM. I pointed to it while looking at Mike off stage. I could see him fiddling with some switches and cringed when the sound finally made it to my earpiece. Too loud! Too loud! I pulled them out quickly, "Too loud..."

"Sorry...," Mike called toward me, "Try it now..."

"Better...," I could adjust this on my end, but having the volume set from the source made it so I wouldn't have to adjust anything and guess wrong. Having everything set was part of the prep, "From the top...," I requested.

Again the guitar riff began and I began singing, " Twenty-five years and I'm alive here still... Trying to get up that great big hill of hope... For a destination..."

Bill had a concerned looked on his face and I stopped singing, "What?"

"You're flat, can you hear it," he asked.

"No..."

"Ask them to pull back the track...," Bill said.

"Mike, can you turn down the playback, I'm coming across flat..."

"No ‘ambient’ sound... Hold on...," he made some adjustments and I could hear myself humming bars and sounding less ‘dead’ in the monitors. I held up a thumb and sang the chorus. Bill nodded and I ran the song out.

"I'm bring down filters, let's try it again," Mike said.

"Sure..."

I was building to the first chorus when Bill, shook his head at me, "Flat," I asked. The music stopped...

"Yeah, but you sound like there's an echo...," he said.

"Mike, can we pull back the reverb?"

"Sure, Brea... How's that," he asked.

I looked toward Bill and he had his thumb down, "Little more Mike..."

"OK..."

Bill was thumbs up now and I sang, "And I try, oh my God do I try... I try all the time... In this institution..."

Bill was nodding 'Yes' now and I finished strong. "Watch your breathing, especially when pushing those raspy higher notes. Sounded good, control the breathing and I think you got it..."

I nodded, "Mike, how much time do I have..."

"We can run you through that a couple more times before your time is up..."

Had my hour really gone by that fast? Crap! "OK... Thanks Mike. How do my levels look?"

"Good, you're pushing the highs, but totally within standard ranges. I can dampen that some if you want..."

I looked toward Bill, "Dampen the rasp?"

"No... Stick with that last play," he replied.

I spoke to Mike, "No, don't dampen anything..."

"Sure, you ready?"

"Yeah..."

The music began and I sang the song with more focus on my breathing. At the highs I could feel the stain in my vocals, but powered through. When done I looked toward Bill, who had moved to the middle of the lower level seating area, "Well?"

He shouted back, "Think that's it..." He stood and made his way back to the stage. "Breathing, control that and you'll nail it."

"I think I'm just nervous...," I said in an attempt to excuse my way out of his assessment.

"Well, you better get over it girl..."

Before I could answer Mike was in my IEM, "Brea, you want to look at the board?"

"That's OK, we locked in?"

"Yeah, looks good to me - just saved the board for 'What's going on'. You sounded really good. I can squeeze you in tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM if you want to practice some more. I've got thirty minutes..."

"Awesome... I'd really like that, thank you."

"No problem... Bring me your monitor and we'll store and recharge it for tomorrow."

The in-ear monitors were owned by the hotel and a definite upgrade from the pathetic model I owned. I headed toward Mike, pulling the IEM's, unclipping the Bluetooth pack clipped to my jeans. We talked briefly about entering and exiting the stage tomorrow night. I sensed movement across the stage and saw Wyatt walking to the center stage. He waved and I waved back. Mike saw him also and after boxing my IEM, confirmed our appointment in the morning. He wasn't trying to be rude, but it was Wyatt's session time, so he pointed me toward the stage exit to where Bill was waiting. I thanked him again for everything and made my way toward Bill.

Tuesday, March 27th 6:07 PM
Bill's critique on my practice session was encouraging, but rushed since him and Charles were going to the Blue Man Group show and he needed to get going. I must have heard the word 'breathing' no less than five times in his couple minute assessment. There was encouragement, but I needed to really concentrate if I was going to move on past the first round. He told me to zone out the audience, which was likely going to be a full house and sing, to enjoy myself, and that would come out in my singing.

I didn't have the confidence he had in me, but I told him I would be practicing tonight and asked if he wanted to come with me in the morning for my 8:00 AM practice session. He said he would be there, we hugged, and I watched him head to the casino to drag Charles from the slots. I had plenty of emotions flowing right now - the biggest one was feeling alone... Augh!

I needed to get ready for the dinner gathering tonight. Focus on the positive I thought as I turned toward the elevators. From across the lobby I noticed someone walking toward me, I recognized the smiling face of Blake Schultz and gave a little wave...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Tuesday, March 27th 6:11 PM
"Hey Brea... How's it going?"

As much as I wanted to really speak my mind, needed too for my own sanity and to keep from spiraling into a dark place, I decided it was probably best to go with a generic answer since I didn't know Blake all that well, "It's going pretty good." I hoped I sounded like I believed my own answer.

Blake raised an eyebrow, "You sure? You don't sound very convincing."

Am I really that much of an open book? Can people see that easily through me? I felt a bolt of panic twang my gut, "Yeah... OK, well... It's been a pretty stressful day and everything feels a little rushed... I'm just trying to deal with my nerves though, so I'm good - I guess..." That was a more honest assessment of my state of mind right now without laying too much of a dark cloud over this quick meet in the hotel lobby.

"You're going to do fine tomorrow night. I've heard you sing and I'm told the odds makers have you down as a favorite."

What?! Odds makers? Were people really going to be betting on this competition? "Are you serious," I asked with more concern than I expected to share.

He smiled, "No, just trying to lighten the mood..."

Thank God! If people were betting on this competition that would really suck and I don't want to see where I am at with the odds makers! "Ah... OK, well good to hear that we're not being bet on like horses or some sporting event..."

"You have a chance to look around the hotel?"

"No, pretty much stuck on the hamster wheel that is getting ready for the competition...," I replied sounding a little more exasperated than I meant too sound. What is my problem?! Jesus you Debbie Downer! Get a grip!

"You want the dime tour? I mean if you're not busy and are curious about the operation..."

"I should really... I need to practice and get ready for the contestants dinner tonight..." A flash of disappointment on Blake's face caught me off guard.

"Yeah... No, I totally understand. Well, if you change your mind just have someone page me and I'll show you around..."

I could hear just the slightest hint of disappointment in his voice. It matched that look he had for a fraction of a second, before being replaced with a smile. Augh! I had the time... Crap! Screw it, "On second thought... Sure, I'd like the nickel tour..."

"Oh no, I'm offering you an exclusive 'dime' tour...," he quipped with a grin, "The 'nickel' tour is for the general public and seeing as how you saved the show - I'd be happy to show you the inner workings of this place, the 'dime' tour."

"I doubt I saved the show Blake, seriously...," I complained.

"Well, you joining saved me a bunch of headaches, so in my book you saved the show. We won't tell anyone that though..."

Sure, let's not tell people how you stalked me... Augh! Get over yourself, Brea! Smile and be appreciative to have helped him out and that he's not some upper management jerk and is even talking to you right now. FUCK! Why can't anything around me right now just be normal?!

Tuesday, March 27th 6:35 PM
The 'dime' tour started with a walk around the complex maze of conference and banquet rooms - which I'd already gotten to experience earlier. We got to peek into the room our contestants dinner was being held in later. It looked very nice and had tables setup for at least fifty people. There looked to be an open bar area along the back wall - I wouldn't be doing any drinking, at least not before performing tomorrow. I wondered - was there really going to be that many people in here tonight? I felt a little panicked - so much for an intimate contestants only dinner. After the peek, we walked through the massive kitchen area used for serving those banquet and conference rooms.

Blake explained that the three restaurants on-site had their own kitchens and just in cooking staffs there were roughly ninety cooks between them. It was certainly impressive and there were lots of kitchen and wait staff behind the scenes the general public had no idea existed. An interesting trend I noticed when we started the tour - nearly everyone we saw who spoke to Blake addressed him as 'Mr. Schultz'. I jokingly asked if I should follow suit with the 'Mr. Schultz' bandwagon. He told me if I did that the tour was over. I couldn't help but laugh and appreciated how relaxed he seemed, even though he was someone of importance around here. That didn't help alleviate my panicky sense of doom about the dinner gathering, but it did feel good to at least laugh a little - even if it was strained...

Next up on the tour were the two nightclubs, which were his domain. Even at this early hour and it being a Tuesday night, the clubs were roughly half-full. Blake leaned into me and over the thumping bass of a DJ Khaled song said, "By seven this place will be packed. By eight there will be a line of fifty or more people waiting to get in... In less than a year we've become one of the strips premier clubs. The capacity is two-hundred and twenty-three - we try not to stuff it to the brim, but we've been over that capacity a lot more than I care to admit..."

It was impressive, but loud as hell in here. Blake put a hand at my waist and guided me through the crowd toward the back of the club. Once through a door near the back of the club, the sound - while not totally gone, was nearly gone. "Wow...," I said in the quiet of the back of the house, "You can barely hear the music back here..."

"Yeah, the insulation for sound proofing the clubs cost over one-hundred grand and the sound system was five times that in each of the clubs..."

He was speaking with just a hint of pride in his voice and why not - the place was impressive and I told him so, "Very impressive..."

"Thanks, I feel blessed to be a part of the Grand Cayman's family," he pointed toward a door, "Let's take a look in here..." He opened the door and inside was row after row of liquor bottles hanging on the walls - attached to pumps and hoses. A couple of rack systems filled up the space between the walls and had soda syrup boxes taking up every inch. It was noisy and that meant people were drinking out in the club. The room itself was easily the size of your standard three-car garage. "We'll switch out bottles hourly on a weekend. I have to staff someone in this room on Friday and Saturday nights to keep up with replacing empty bottles if you can believe that... Both clubs have their own rooms like this, over there is the storage area for boxes of alcohol, champagne, beer, soda, and the like... The cooler for kegs is back over there."

I looked toward where he was pointing, "Whoa... That's an insane amount of booze being served. There must be a lot of drunks in this town..."

"Yup... And we have no less than four bartenders, fifteen cocktail waitresses, and ten bouncers working seven nights a week in each of the clubs. It does get a little crazy... When we have our weekend pool parties I have to double shift those wanting the hours or hire temps. A moderately proficient cocktail waitress can make a grand in tips on a good night - more at the pool with the right crowd. Did I mention we get liquor deliveries daily?"

"Yikes! I'm in the wrong line of business. How late are the clubs open?"

"We open at 5:00 PM and close it down at 4:00 AM... Pool parties generally start at 9:00 AM, just because getting people in tends to be such a pain. We shut those down by 10:00 PM usually... Noise ordinances prohibit us from staying open later. By 10:00 PM we're done with the idiots, so it's nice we shut that down early."

"Jesh... And you have a wait starting at 8:00 PM to get in the clubs?"

"I know, right? Crazy busy and one crazy business, for sure..."

I was certainly naive about just how much money ran through a major Las Vegas casino - just the club portion of the casino must make a mint daily! While I was in the service industry - finance officer for a car dealership - this service industry looked to be a fast pace and high stress endeavor. No, my quality of life, in my simple career, with my simple salary, was good enough for me. Vegas was just too intense...

"What are you thinking?"

"Ah, I was just thinking that this place is a 24x7 mad house. It would be too much stress for me... I don't know how you can even get a minute away from this place..."

"Yeah, it's a little stressful - but I've got some great people working with me, so it's not as bad as it might seem... I was in San Diego looking for you for a week and the place didn't burn down..."

"Umhuh... And how many times a day did you get called while you were out there," I asked with a knowing grin.

"OK, so it wasn't exactly the vacation I had planned, so yes - I did work a bit from afar. I also found you, so my time away was a success. My mom didn't seem to mind..."

"She was cute on the phone," and as soon as I said that I wondered if I should have said anything. I mean, we didn't really have a long conversation or anything, but she seemed so nice on the phone. A caring mother for sure...

"Yeah, about that... What did you two talk about? She's said a couple of times that she really liked you..."

Huh? We didn't talk about anything... "We didn't really have a conversation or anything, I was just trying to get a hold of you. She just seemed so nice and given my first impressions of you, well it was refreshing...," I said with a smile that said I was razzing him.

"Can't believe you thought I was stalking you...," he poked back in fun, smiling.

"You do realize that being Trans rubs a lot of people the wrong way. And if they aren't rubbed wrong they tend to be perverts with some kind of bullshit fetish...," I was getting hot and tried to dial it back, "I am very guarded with my, with being myself, who I am. I hate that I have to be on the defensive all the time. I've missed out on a lot of things most women wouldn't think twice about doing..." I needed to stop, I was preaching and Blake wasn't a problem like so many in society were, I felt bad and looked away.

He reach out and put a hand on my shoulder, "It's OK... I understand, believe me I understand... I'm sure there are some real shit heads out there, I'm sorry you have to deal with that...," he pulled his hand back and looked concern as a tear rolled down my cheek.

What the fuck is wrong with me! Why the water works?! Before I could wipe my cheek Blake stepped toward me and hugged me. That caring gesture was more than I could handle and the tears and slow sobbing began in earnest...

"Easy now...," he cooed, "You're perfect the way you are... I'm sure plenty of people think that Brea, you gotta believe it and own it...," he said softly.

I couldn't speak and just buried my face in his chest while trying to control the uncontrollable sobs. I hadn't cried like this in at least a month. My heart ached and all the pressures from work to performing to coming here for this singing competition just overflowed my ability to cope... I tried to apologize, but only got out a raspy, "I'm sorry...," after about a minute.

"There's nothing you need to apologize for... Here, let's go to my office. I've got some Kleenex in there...," he said while wrapping his arm around my shoulder and guiding me toward his office just down the hall.

In his office he had me sit and handed me a couple tissues. "Thank you..." I dabbed at my eyes and wiped my nose. "I don't know what's gotten into me...," I whispered.

"It's totally understandable Brea... Don't let being outside your comfort zone consume what you're here to accomplish. You have an amazing voice, you're going to be a force to reckon with. I'm excited to see you perfrom."

Sure, I'm away from my support network. Away from my safe little bubble that is work; singing; friends; and my mom - but I can't lose my shit like this when I feel the least bit vulnerable or outside of my 'comfort zone' as Blake simply put it... I looked at Blake standing behind his... Oh Crap! A panicked look spread across my face, "Is that the time?"

He turned to look at the clock behind him, "Yeah, but I set it five-minutes fast so I'm not..."

I interrupted him midsentence, "I need to get ready for the dinner... I had no idea it was that late."

"Oh, OK... If you want to skip dinner I could talk to Karen, tell her you're not feeling up to..."

"No!" That came out with more emphasis than I wanted, "I don't want to be seen as someone who can't hold their own... I'm sorry, I really need to go. I really, really appreciate you giving me the 'dime' tour." I stood and turned toward the office door behind me. Shit! Where did the time go? It was 7:15 PM, 7:20 PM on Blake's clock, and by the time I figured out an outfit, hair, makeup... Fuck!

Blake followed me and at the door said to go left. We exited the backside of the club to a hallway not far from the lobby and elevators. I thanked him again, but it was rushed. My focus was on getting ready for the contestant dinner and I hoped he didn't think I was being a bitch. I'd have to figure out a way to make it up to him... What the hell does that mean? Augh!!! I'm a freak'n basket case right now and truth - I'm hating myself so much...

Tuesday, March 27th 8:05 PM
I was late to the dinner and being late was one of biggest pet peeves. It annoyed me when others were late, but I couldn't control that and all I cared about was whether I was on time or not. Augh! The banquet room looked much as it did when Blake and I popped in earlier, only now there were about thirty people talking in small groups either around tables or by the open bar. There were also PBS cameras and microphone booms - two of them - milling about. Augh times two to the tenth power I thought... I could feel my chest tightening and wondered if I was under dressed yet again and dreading getting filmed. Breathe... This is a safe place... Just ignore the cameras.

It took forever to bring down the puffy criers eyes and mask that with makeup, blush, and eye shadow. My makeup was not exactly professional quality, but it would do, and people wouldn't know I was a mess just about fifty minutes ago. My hair, which usually has a mind of its own, played nice and looked decent. I choose a nice blouse, knee-high black skirt, and a pair of peek-toe black boot heels. After a quick look around - I was dressed well within the range of the other attendees. Mission accomplished!

I could see Michelle and Janet at a table closest to the entry door for the kitchen area - I only knew this because of the 'dime' tour Blake had given me. I smiled about that and looked around, seeing Wyatt heading for the table to join Michelle and Janet. He had a couple glasses of wine and a beer bottle of some type. Cool, my group was hanging together - my stress level dropped a notch. Wyatt saw me and waved me over.

"Hey Breanna..."

"Hi Wyatt... Michelle, Janet - you both look amazing..."

That got me a round of the same compliment from them, and Wyatt. I added that Wyatt looked very handsome, which got me a hug and an offer to get me something to drink. I asked for water. The table was set for eight, so we were either going to gain some guests or...

A sharply dressed man approached the table, put a hand on Michelle's shoulder. She smiled, "Brea, this is Danny. Danny, Breanna..."

Introductions complete both Danny and I sat. Janet began talking about her interview with Leza Howell to Michelle, obviously in the middle of some portion of the story that was sharing prior to my arrival. I half-listened while looking around the room. There were people from the band, the makeup and hair people, and a few others I didn't recognize - maybe they were invited guests of those in attendance. It dawned on me that this dinner was for all those involved with the contest. Pretty cool, I liked that we were all together - even though we were all competing - well, some of us.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped a little, "Excuse me... I'm looking for my wife..."

I turned to see Dana standing behind me. Of course that comment caught the attention of everyone at the table and I could feel the stares. "Yeah, yeah... I'm going to have to have a talk with your brother..."

"You're married Dana," Janet asked.

"No, but someone," he put a hand on my shoulder, "Was trying to get into my room claiming her husband was in there...," he replied with a chuckle.

"Brea, you're married," Wyatt chimed in while setting a tall glass of water down in front of me.

Augh! I explained what happened to those around the table. The story got me a couple good natured laughs and a few comments from the ladies that they should be paying more attention to their surroundings. That lead to a conversation about leaving the property and dealing with the protestors outside of the hotel. Danny had went to see some of the strip and said some in the crowd were spewing some pretty venomous crap - while professing their God would be judging us. Hypocrites...

During that tangent a woman joined the table, acknowledging everyone with a slight wave and then sat next to Janet. Janet made the introduction of Cynthia, her wife, to those who hadn't already been introduced. She seemed shy, which was the opposite of my perception of Janet. Opposites attract I thought - they looked cute together. I had the same thought about Michelle and Danny. That left Wyatt and I as the 'singles' at the table.

Clinking of something against a glass repeatedly hushed those gathered in the room. I could see Karen Cole with a glass of wine in one hand and a butter knife in the other as she stood at her table surveying those in attendance. Her calling the room to attention prompted those milling around to take their seats and the room got very quiet. I recognized a few of the people sitting at her table, but other than Blake and Leza Howell – I was drawing a blank as to their names. Seriously?! How do I even function with virtually no memory facilities? Grrr…

“Good evening… Welcome contestants, Cayman's staff, and PBS representatives. I would like to thank everyone for pulling together today and making it through arguably a very busy day of coordinating all those elements that will make up an amazing show for the Transgender Day of Visibility Singing Competition... I’m very impressed with everyone’s efforts and wanted you to know how much I appreciate your involvement, understanding, patience, and flexibility,” she raised her glass, “Here’s to a great show…” Everyone raised some form of beverage and a few spoke out their thanks in return.

“I don’t have much else to say, other than we would hope you will enjoy dinner and of course beverages. Tomorrow the fun begins in earnest,” she paused for a few people clapping and hooting, “Contestants will need to report to the theater by 5:00 PM and the show will start promptly at 7:00 PM. So, enjoy tonight, eat, drink, and Thank you all for being here…” There was more clapping, then the room reverted to people talking amongst themselves and got loud again.

I looked at Wyatt and before I could ask, he asked, “How did it go for you today?”

“I was just about to ask you that… It went OK. The arrangement for my first song took a little work to get ironed out, but it should be fine,” I replied, “How was it for you?”

“Good, I’ll have a little accompaniment from the band on my first song – I’ll be playing an acoustic guitar. I’m using the original track for my second,” he paused, “If I make it to the finale… Don’t want to get ahead of myself.”

“Seriously, need to make it past the first round of this thing. I’m a little nervous…”

“A little, huh? You hide it well,” he said smiling.

Tuesday, March 27th 9:38 PM
Dinner was delicious, either that or I was starving. Probably a little of both was the case. Wyatt and I ended up talking pretty much non-stop about some of the commonalities between our two paths - HRT, dysphoria, and the like. It was interesting to get his prospective coming at it from the FTM route. He seemed genuinely interested in my story as well from the MTF grind. He said he started his transition five years ago at the age of 32. It meant coming out to his wife - he was divorced now and not very amicably, though he didn't divulge much about that. My story wasn't as complex - when I came out it was just to my mom and there wasn't much drama during that event. All said and done - it was refreshing to hear his story and to have someone truly understand the gravity and weight of some of the tougher parts of my journey.

Janet added a few stories to our discussion, while Cynthia just smiled a lot and nodded knowingly when any of us spoke about issues making our journeys a pain in the ass. Michelle and Danny, well they were pretty engrossed in one another and didn't really participate at all in our round table discussions. They ended up leaving right after finishing their dinners, opting to skip dessert for what we all jokingly said would be a dessert of their own making. Good for them...

I caught Tyler looking my way a few times as he went back and forth to the open bar. I think he mouthed, "I'm sorry..." during one of those trips. I rolled my eyes and nodded my head ever so slightly. I had hoped that story about me at Dana's room wouldn't have gotten out, but it had, and truth be told I was no worse for wear because of it - but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"We're going to go to the casino... You two want to come," Janet asked.

Wyatt deferred to me to answer first, "I'd like to, but I've got to get some better sleep tonight. I didn't get here until late last night and it was an early morning... Tomorrow night?" I hoped I didn't sound lame, but I needed desperately to recharge my batteries.

"Sure, but I think after the show they intend on making us available for our 'fans' in the audience. We'd like to get into the club, but if you don't get there early you can't get in...," Janet replied.

I'd forgotten about the 'Meet the Star's' of the show requirement after each of the shows, but remembered the mention of a pool party. Were they going to be one in the same? No, the pool party was on Thursday, the finale day, and started at noon. Augh... "I might be able to get us into the club, tomorrow night or Thursday night. No guarantees, but I might have an in..." I hoped that would take the focus off of me not wanting to go gamble and just wanting to see the backs of my eyelids.

"Ooo... I'm up for that," Wyatt said, "I'm also good for leaving a few coins in the casino with you lovely ladies..."

There were smiles all around and in unison we all pushed back from the table to go our separate ways - after a few hugs of course. As a group we made our exit, but before reaching the door to the banquet room I noticed Tyler trying to catch up to us...

"Brea...," he called out a few feet behind me.

"I'll see you tomorrow, have fun...," I told Janet, Cynthia, and Wyatt.

"Oh, you too...," Wyatt said quietly with a wolfish grin.

"Nah... I'm going to going to bed," I assured him.

"Mmmugh... Good luck with that," he quipped before following the ladies out into the hallway.

I stood at the door and gave Tyler 'the look', which he had better get and fully understand the weight of the displeasure I was trying to convey. I wasn't going to be letting him off the hook so easily.

"Look, I'm really sorry about... It just came out and Dana was all over me about what happened, details - he wanted details, and I told him not to say anything... Look, I apologize... I blew it, I get it, that was a dick move. Can I make it up to you somehow," he asked.

I looked over toward the table Dana was sitting at still, he was talking to someone I didn't recognize, "You wanna make it up to me? Go back in there and say, 'I'm a dick and I screwed up'."

Tyler stared at me for a moment, "Are you kidding," he asked.

"You asked how you can make it up to me, well, that's how. You know how embarrassing that whole thing was? How scared I was? Then to have Dana come over and play with me about being married... Go tell everyone you were a dick and see how that feels," I looked toward the twenty or so people still in the banquet room, "Oh, and don't bother telling them why - don't need that story spread around anymore..."

Tyler was still trying to gauge my resolve and I wasn't giving him any hints as to the cards I was holding - pure poker face. "OK, I deserve this...," he said and turned to go back into the banquet room.

I let him take a step before grabbing his arm, "I'm kidding... But, seriously you spilling your guts to Dana about our meeting kinda hurt my feelings..."

He looked surprised that I stopped him, "I'm really sorry Brea... It was an accident, stupid... You sure you don't want me to take a dose of my own medicine?"

"No, I'll forgive you eventually...," I said smiling.

"You've got a bit of an evil streak in you... You had me going there for a second."

"Yeah, well next time I won't be so nice..."

"There won't be a next time, I promise... You going to the casino?"

"No, I need to go to bed. I'm wiped..."

Tyler had a questioning look on his face, "Come on... It's early still, one drink - I owe you that. What do you say?"

"As good as that sounds and as much as you DO owe me, I just can't... Rain check?"

"Tomorrow night then, you, me, I'm buying...," he said all smiles, "Can I walk you to your room?"

"I guess...," I said all dramatic. We both chuckled and then made our way towards the lobby.

Tuesday, March 27th 9:53 PM
The walk to my room was full of laughs and an embarrassing story about Dana as a child. Tyler told me to use it, but there was no way I was going to bring it up. A story about a jock strap as a mask - gross and there was no easy way to bring that kind of thing up in a general conversation. Nah, think I'll keep that story to myself, thank you very much.

In the elevator it was obvious why the story about the jock strap had come up - Tyler was a bit tipsy... I hadn't smelled much alcohol on him down at the banquet room, but in the close quarters of the elevator - he'd definitely had a few stiff drinks in him. He was kind of cute inebriated, a little more relaxed, and certainly chatty - the funny kind of mildly drunk chatty. Of course he was kind of cute in general - no denying that. To say I didn't have a few wicked thoughts about seeing just how fit that body was would be a lie.

When we exited the elevator and made our way down the hall I was prepared to jump down his throat if he said anything as we passed by Dana's room. Fortunately, he was talking about their older sister who was a doctor in LA - pretty sure he said she was an orthopedic surgeon. The way he talked about her I'm was certain he was proud of the fact she'd done so well for herself. I learned that Dana was a guidance counselor at a high school in a suburb of Chicago. And finally he mentioned that he worked for an industrial paint company in Chicago. Loved his job, hated the winters, and wasn't a fan of the cities murder rate. Before that portion of the conversation got to heavy - the murder rate - we were at my door.

"Well, this is me...," I fished my rooms key card out of my clutch and unlocked my door pushing it open slightly.

"Yeah...," he said as if he were deep in thought about something.

"You OK," I asked.

"Yeah, yeah... I," he stopped speaking abruptly.

"You want me to deposit you in Dana's room?"

"No, I'm good... I just... I want to kiss you..."

What-the-fuck?! Not like I hadn't had similar thoughts a few times today and on the way up here, but talk about being shocked and not sure of what I just heard. I was frozen, speechless, not really sure how to answer or what I should say. Could I even answer? I watched him take a step towards me and everything began moving as if in slow motion. One of his hands moved to my waist, the other brushing past my cheek gently and gripping the back of my neck with authority, then his lips were on mine... OMG! OMG!

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Tuesday, March 27th 10:06 PM
The kiss, the request to be kissed threw me off - at least until his lips met mine and our tongues began to dance. Tyler's hand at the back my neck was unexpected, aggressive, and made me feel like my knees were going to give out any second. I had goose bumps on goose bumps all up and down my arms. I could taste the alcohol on his breath and feel his want - which was mind blowing and a little bit of a shock. Not so shocking was being instantly drunk on my own desires, my own wants to be accepted for the woman I was becoming. It had been a very long time since I had been held, let alone kissed. And before it got too intense in the hallway - the kiss was over. I refused to open my eyes, trying to savor the few seconds we were connecting...

"I am sorry about earlier Brea," Tyler whispered in my ear before kissing my neck. The kiss caused me to shudder ever so slightly and I felt chilled, unsure of exactly what he'd just said, and tried to nuzzle in closer to where his lips were.

I could barely think, hold a coherent thought, and twisted my head ever so slightly when he kissed my neck a second time. With my eyes still shut I turned my face toward his and found his lips. This time the kiss was more desperate, more intense - I was seeking more, hungering for more, and he was giving me that which I desired. Every nerve throughout my body was in an overloaded state and when he leaned his body into mine, pulling me closer I couldn't help but moan softly.

When he pulled away, I chased his lips with mine to kiss him again. There was certainly more urgency in my want when our lips touched for the third time. He did not disappoint, he wanted what I wanted. His hand cupping the back of my neck had my head turned to best control our kiss - it was gentle, sexy, and demanded my submission - which I was all too happy to give to him.

When he pulled away, I opened my eyes, but could not look him in his eyes. "You want to invite me in?"

And with that ask the reality of the situation I was in became a fear inducing gut punch. I pulled back ever so slightly, running scenario after painful scenario through my mind as quickly as I could until I felt my stomach churn uncontrollably. I tried to reason his request with the fact he knew I was Trans - did that matter to him? Does he think I'm fully transitioned? What are his expectations of the incomplete woman standing before him? How far was I willing to...

"Brea... I'm not pressuring you for anything you aren't comfortable doing. I... I find you incredibly sexy and I would be kicking myself if I didn't at least try to see if you had similar feelings... I want you to know I respect who you are and..."

I held a finger to his lips, "Tyler... I, I am not all you see. And, I don't do casual... You know, hookups? I just... It's probably best if we..."

"Are you saying there's no attraction?"

That wasn't the reply I expected and jumped on it earnestly, "No, that's no... Not, what I said. You know, probably better than most having supported Dana through his transition, what I mean...," I sounded unsure of my point and still couldn't make eye contact with him. Jesus! Would I be kissing you if there wasn't an attraction?!

"Nothing about you is going to scare me off Brea... I'm sure of my sexuality and I know you may be struggling with portions of yours, but I know who you are on the inside and complete or not I would still be attracted to you... You know, the woman you are trying to be. I respect everything about who you are..."

There is rarely a moment in my transition that the dysphoria gorilla isn't jockeying for a better position on my back. Right now, with Tyler professing a want to be with me, in any capacity, that gorilla was beating its chest with one mighty hand while trying to choke me out with his other arm. Fuck! Fear was now ruling my choice to be myself, to give myself permission to fully be the woman I was inside. Fuck!

When I didn't answer he took my hands in his, "Look... I can see you're struggling with a lot right now. How about we call it a night and tomorrow we find some time to just chill, talk, see if we can carve out an environment that makes you feel comfortable and we see what happens. What do you think?"

I could feel the moment slipping away, his want, desire, all of it - fading... If we waited to over analyze it tomorrow for my benefit - it would be different, we would be in different places, the moment would be lost. Shit! I looked into his eyes, replaying his last statement in my mind, searching for an answer, searching for my truth, for his sincerity... No! And I stepped backwards into the slightly propped open door, pulling him with me into the darkened room, lit only by the light from the hallway.

When the door shut behind him, he pulled me to him in the dark, "No pressure Brea..." He leaned in to kiss my lips softly and I pulled him closer trying to get lost in a moment I didn't want to end.

Tuesday, March 27th 10:13 PM
In the darkness and quiet of the room, every movement seemed to be amplified. The rustling of my skirt against his slacks, my blouse, my breathing and how it was strained while kissing him. The thumping of my heart alone I swear could be heard as clearly as if someone were beating a drum in double time. Then there was the ringing buzz in my ears making me feel like I was going to pass out, dizzying. I felt like I was outside my body looking at us holding one another in the entryway. I wasn't prepared for this - want versus being able to walk the walk - no, I can't do this... What the hell was I thinking?! Obviously I wasn't or I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I could count the number of sexual encounters with men on four fingers and the number I had kissed was maybe seven. Only two of those encounters resulted in full-blown sex and between nerves, being unsure of what it was really going to be like, being put off by not being complete, and the raw lust by those men rushing to get their rocks off - those encounters were anything but pleasurable. Fuck the concept of pleasurable - it was painful, scary, and not something I was not interested in repeating. That really spoke to why I wasn't sexually experienced and sex had only happened twice. Sure, I could have put myself out there for the fetish junkies, but it wouldn't have moved me toward where I wanted to go.

When I thought about those two times I had had sex I thank God it was over quickly on both occasions. And all my experiences with men were over the course of the four years I had been transitioning for God's sake - so I wasn't even sure what I wanted from an intimate encounter. I haven't taken the training wheels off of my attempt to appreciate the female form my body was becoming... Yeah, I wasn't naive to what might be expected or what might be about to happen or even how to perform - but my confidence that I was anything like a CIS female was going to cripple Tyler's expectations. Was it too late to change my...

"You okay," Tyler asked.

I hesitated, "Yeah, just... This is very new for me, and I... Look, I'm not... I am still a ways from...," I had to stop speaking because what I was spewing was making me even more nervous and NOT doing anything for my confidence. Not to mention I didn't think I was making any sense - would he understand? My stomach rolled and I huffed a defeated sigh...

Tyler chuckled, "I'm good with just kicking back and watching TV or going for a walk or whatever you feel like Brea. Really, I just wanted to spend time with you... No expectations, I've got no demands... I just wanted to be with you... Do you want to just get comfortable, dial up a movie, and chill?"

Why? Why do you want to be with me? I'm not your typical woman. I've got all sorts of issues, hang ups, fears... Fuck!! Let that shit go God damn it! "Sure...," was all I could think to reply quietly in the dark of the room.

Tyler moved around me to the nightstand and clicked on a light. We both were squinting and I chuckled nervously - who knows why blinding light was the least bit funny to me at the moment. I watched him looking around the room until he found the remote for the TV. He picked it up and turned it on. I excused myself and headed into the bathroom, closing the door behind me - breathing a temporary sigh of relief.

OMG! - I thought staring at myself in the mirror. What the fuck are you doing?! This was probably a huge mistake. Tyler lived in Chicago! After this competition the likelihood of us furthering whatever this was would be slim. I shook my head - Fuck! Think... What is... Fuck! Slow down, slow down, you can handle this... Think...

What do you need to do first to feel more comfortable? Gaff - get the tape and gaff off... I hiked my skirt up, hooked my thumbs inside the waistband of the compression boy short panties, and slid them down until I could step out of them. Next - get the thong gaff off, which involved removing a couple strips of surgical tape - which was going to be slightly painful. Being aroused, while being tucked, did pose comfort issues a few moments ago - I had to do this. Gingerly I pulled the tape from the fabric of the gaff and then from the skin on the inside of my ass cheeks. The tape, while working as it should, did make for an uncomfortable removal process. Fuck! That does not feel good! I pulled the second strip off quickly - Shit! There would be red marks down there from the tape - was that going to matter? Would Tyler even get the opportunity to see where I had tape? Augh! Why was it so hard to transition, to be me?

Tape and thong gaff removed, I stared at the biggest source of my gender dysphoria in all its pathetic glory. I didn't play the CIS female shave your pussy bullshit game - mostly because of razor burn, but also because I didn't have someone in my life to impress with a sexy smooth crotch area. I did keep the area neatly trimmed so it wasn't a bushy forest and because I liked to wear a bikini on occasion. I brushed the pubic hair absently and felt a sickening feeling in my gut - yet again. I'm not ready for this... Augh!

Fuck it, nothing is going to happen tonight - we'll chill and watch TV. Put your big girl panties on and just go with the flow. I stepped into the compression boy shorts panties and adjusted that last bastion of male appendage to the side. I let my skirt fall back into place, brushed it smooth in the front, and there was just the slightest sign of my cock showing. I absolutely hated that I could see a small lump down there, but it would have to do... Move a little to the left you fucking dysphoria gorilla!

I checked my hair, fiddled with a few stray pieces, and picked up a blush applicator to smooth out the makeup on my cheeks. One last look - AUGH! What happened to coming back to your room, practicing for tomorrow, and going to bed?

Tuesday, March 27th 10:29 PM
When I came back into the room I purposely left the bathroom light on and pulled the door nearly closed. I clicked the nightstand lamp off and with the light from the bathroom and TV - the room was a bit more relaxing - forgiving of my flaws. It also made it harder to see the tiny lump peeking through the front of my skirt. Tyler was sitting at the foot of the bed scrolling through movie titles and looked over at me, "There she is... You look a bit more relaxed. All good?"

Had I been in the bathroom that long I wondered... "Yeah, I'm... I'll be fine...," and I joined him at the foot of the bed. I'm sure I was on the verge of shivering - nerves? Cold? Gorilla?

"Something you care to watch," he asked putting a hand on my thigh as he clicked the button on the remote to move the selections of movies on the screen.

I wasn't in the mood to watch a movie and doubted seriously I could make it through one without falling asleep. I put my hand on his and asked if there were any music channels. He exited to the main menu, found some music and without asking selected an adult hits channel, which put us in the middle of the Bruno Mars song 'Locked out of Heaven'. "How's that," he asked, while adjusting the volume to something akin to background noise.

"This song always makes me wanna dance...," I said smiling.

"I'll dance with you... Wanna," he asked shifting as if he were about to stand up and get 'jiggy wit it'.

"Nooo, no...," I squeezed his hand, "Maybe if I can get us in the club tomorrow night we can explore my pathetic dance moves. I do a great 'chained elephant'..."

There was confusion on his face, so I stood and stepped side to side to the rhythm of the Bruno Mars song. "Ah... That's one of my favorites dance steps," he said standing to join me in my attempt at being cute, funny.

When the song ended and another began he stepped towards me, taking my hips in his hands and we swayed to the beat of a song by the Arianna Grande I wasn't familiar with. The dancing lasted less than a couple seconds before we were kissing, bodies grinding seductively against each other, tongues seeking and finding pleasure. He pulled away and kissed my neck, which made me shudder ever so slightly. His arms were wrapped around me, with his hands positioned on my ass trying to pull me even closer - which would be physically impossible since our bodies were already nearly one.

Tyler took my earlobe in his lips and I couldn't help but to moan - louder than I expected, "You alright, I didn't hurt you did I," he asked concerned.

Was I 'alright'? Are you kidding me? I'm high on the sexual tension and you aren't helping matters by pushing every erogenous zone button I have above my shoulders - all while your hands on my ass are begging me to give myself to you completely. Am I 'alright'? I'm... He shifted and I felt something hard grind softly into my waist. I knew I was partially aroused and I was trying everything to keep him from feeling my that lump. I could certainly feel of his excitement down there and it felt substantial... In the end I didn't answer him, but found his lips and kissed him softly. He returned my efforts and the intensity of his tongue probing mine was mesmerizing.

I could feel his hands pulling my skirt up towards my waist and before I could protest his hands were on my ass, sliding happily over my panties. He was exploring for his own pleasure and certainly giving me more of a rise than he probably realized. He squeezed my ass softly and tried to pull me closer, causing me to grind his manhood firmly now into my midriff...

HRT had dulled my ability to get aroused at the drop of a hat like when I was a teenager. What was happening to me right now was proving my male parts still had some life left in them. As embarrassing and dysphoric as seeing that part of me was daily - there was no denying Tyler had me spun up right now. It had been at least three, maybe four months since I had been worked up enough mentally, through watching porn, to have a mildly pathetic erection. Try as I might I couldn't bring myself to cum - though I worked at it pretty hard and eventually gave up in disgust.

My ability to get aroused required a lot of mental gymnastics - which Tyler would be getting a "10" from the judges at this rate. Hormones were amazing - but did nothing significant for that area between my legs except for leaving it mostly a dormant shell of its once small glorious self. I wondered if after SRS / GRS I would be able to orgasm or even enjoy sex. Many women said it was possible, but really involved being in the right mental frame of mind. Pretty sure I was half way there with being able to get the mental side of the coin dialed in. I'd have to wait a while longer to prove out the orgasm quest after surgery.

My skirt dropping back in place snapped my mind back into the present - to Tyler pulling my blouse from being tucked inside my skirt. He stood back looking for my reaction and I obliged by getting my hands on his belt and after a little struggling got it undone. He tried his best to undo the buttons on my blouse, while not interrupting my efforts. I didn't want to think about what was happening, to fear what was happening, so I just concentrated on undoing his belt, the button on his dress slacks, and getting the zipper down. I pushed his pants down aggressively as he gave up on the buttons and was coaxing my blouse over my head. I raised my arms and wiggled out of the silky blouse as he pulled it up, over, and off - he tossed it absently toward the chair in the corner. I tried absently to do something about how he'd just mussed up of my hair - fuck it - focus Brea, focus...

For some reason we were both smiling at each other. Tyler with pants at his ankles and me in just my bra and skirt. We weren't being shy about fully taking in each other, he ran a hand over my chest, hooking a finger inside one of the cups and passing over an aroused nipple. I did something similar to the stiff cock stretching the fabric of his athletic cut boxer shorts. He put a hand on my shoulder and I watched him pry his feet from his slip-on loafers, then stepping out of his slacks while balancing himself against me. He scooped up his pants and they went flying through the air towards my blouse. I reached out for his button-down shirt and got the first couple buttons undone, but he wanted to move this show along and ended up pulling it off over his head saving me from the tedious job of unbuttoning every button.

I was dreading shedding my skirt, but at this point the vibe between us was keeping my demons at bay. I made the move, before he could, and reached around back to unzip my skirt, stepped out of it, and because it was kind of 'our thing' right now - I tossed my skirt toward the chair. It unfortunately went in a higher arch than expected. It careened along the ceiling and feel short. Tyler looked back at where it landed, then back at me, "You're not much of a hoopster, eh?"

I shrugged, in the dim light of the room and dark blue glare from the TV screen, "I'm not much of a sports kind of person. I like to watch almost any sport - I have never been too athletically inclined..."

He stepped in closer, "Ah, this body says differently... You must do something."

"I mountain bike a little, but really, I'm a couch potato... Good genes maybe?"

His hand were at my shoulders, then at my hips, "You're pretty cute, you know that..."

If the lighting was better he would see my face was flush, I turned away just in case he could see my beet-red face, "Yeah... I doubt that...," I replied sheepishly.

He cupped my chin with his hand, turned my face back toward his, then leaned in to kiss me. Our bodies moved together and his excitement felt so much more pronounced. I wrapped my arms around his waist and without thinking gently squeezed a toned, muscular ass. He pulled away and looked at me with a little smirk on his face while squeezing my ass.

"Mmmuh... Very cute...," I said as his hands moved to from my ass to my bra strap and he quickly undid the clasp. I panicked and brought my arms to my chest between us. Four years of HRT did nothing for the development of my breasts. My doctor said the A-and-a-half cup size, a stretch I think, was all my 36" chest would likely ever have. My options - if I ever became independently wealthy and cared to fix my current lack of having breasts - was to get implants. Until then, having nearly nothing to show on my chest was a trigger for a dark ride and a lot of self-loathing. Augh...

"Whoa... You alright," Tyler asked with genuine concern.

"Yeah, I'm...," I stopped mid-sentence. How do I explain the need to wear a larger cup size and an overly padded bra just to have... To present as more feminine?

"Look," he began, while gently sliding the bra straps from my shoulder, "We're nearly naked, it's no big deal... Here," he stepped back a half step, and pulled his boxers down - stepping out of them - then swayed his hips left and right playfully. This of course caused his erect cock to slap his body and I couldn't help but chuckle. "See...," he said laughing, "I'm free! Free, I tell ya!"

OMG! I lost it and couldn't help but laugh even harder... He was being silly, vulnerable, and... I slowly let my bra slide down my arms and off - tossing it toward the 'chair of clothes', this time my throw was on target.

"Very nice...," he said reaching out to trace the edges of my left breast, then totally palming my right. He squeezed gently and I thought I was going to fall over. When he leaned in to take my swollen nipple in his mouth I moaned and ran a hand through his hair... OM-F'n-GOD!

I sucked in a slow breath slowly, deliberately strained. His hand was warm, but the sensation of someone other than myself touching my breasts was electrifying. His mouth on my nipple - no way I could describe what that was doing to me. I tingled all over and tried to close the distance between us. He licked my tit a last time and wrapped his arms around me - our chest becoming one. I could barely breathe...

When he hugged me tighter, his cock rubbed my mid-riff, and it was my turn to touch him. I reached between us and grabbed hold of his cock. He stiffened ever so slightly. I traced a finger over the swollen bulbous head of his cock - there was pre-cum and it made my finger tip slip and slide over it. That made him move his hips, pushing his cock through my grip until the shaft was...

I let my grip slip away and moved my hands up to Tyler's chest, pushing him backwards gently so he had to sit on the edge of the bed or fall over the corner of it. He complied with just a hint of confusion on his face. I'm sure the overly serious look on my face, in the dim light of the room, had him wondering what had come over me. Fuck my fears! I was going to take advantage of this opportunity for all it's worth.

I moved between his legs as he sat and with a bit more force pushed him back onto the bed so he was laying with his legs hanging over the edge. I thought about climbing onto the bed and straddling his body, but his cock was the target of my attention - as much as being on top of him and kissing him was also a desire. I watched him watching my every move and as I drug my nails lightly along the inside of his thighs towards his balls - I could tell he was barely breathing. When my hands cupped them, he squirmed slightly, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Okay... You, you... You have my attention...," he said smiling back at me.

"I think I had," I took his cock in one hand while gently tracing a finger around his crotch and pubic hair, "Your attention long before our clothes went flying toward the chair...," I replied softly.

He bucked a little when my finger slid through his precum again, he moved his hand to mine holding his cock, "Mmmugh... And every action has a reaction, so when it's my turn I will show you the same merc..." I leaned over quickly, parted my lips, and enveloped the engorged head of his cock before he could finish his thought.

He was talking too much and I had his beautiful cock in my hand and I had a want... A want to wrap my lips around it. Tyler gasped, "Oooh... Oh, fuck...," and whatever thought he had about turns or mercy or whatever were now lost as my lips rode just the head of his cock. I could barely breathe... Was I really doing this?!

Gone was his hand on mine, only to be replaced with him trying to gyrate his hips so as to push those six, maybe seven inches of heavenly cock further into my mouth. He began to babble, "Oooh fuck...," then, "Breee, ah, ah...," and, "God, that feels..."

I was sucking just the head of his cock, swirling my tongue over the tip - probing where his seed would eventually gush, licking it, and occasionally I would slurp loudly - just to fuck with him. My saliva coated his shaft and my hand began to slide easily down it when he would buck or try to thrust in an attempt to get more than the head of his cock inside of my mouth. It was a struggle, but one I was enjoying more than I could have ever imagined. He seemed to be enjoying himself - which buoyed my confidence.

When I thought I had played with him long enough I moved my lips slowly toward where my hand had a firm grasp at the base of his cock. That got me a few strains breathes through clenched teeth and a, "Auh... aaah... Brea..."

Something clicked in my brain, I lost control, lost my want to take things slow and to torture, frustrate him sexually. I began bobbing my head up and down his shaft quicker. Pulling on his shaft on the retreat to his swollen and throbbing head, pulling the skin tight when my lips traveled down to my waiting hand at the base of his cock. My lips smacking, slurping when the head of his cock slipped from my mouth. He tried to sit up, but flopped back down on the bed as soon as my face dove down his shaft quickly.

I moaned as I reengaged and got my lips to my hand again. He whimpered, then arched his back, trying to push his cock even further into my mouth. When I had as much of his cock in my mouth as I felt comfortable with, I constricted my throat and used my tongue to squeeze his head and shaft. I'd never done that before, that I can remember, but it seemed natural and his response was a pleasingly loud moan. I was almost to gag depth on his cock - but I had this, I had control. OM-F'n-G! This was so amaz...

Without warning Tyler pulled his knees even with my head and somehow got his legs over my shoulders, locking my head between muscular thighs. At first I thought he was just being cute, showing me he was flexible or something - but what he'd done was trapped his cock in my mouth. My concentration was instantly shot and I panicked. I moved my hands to his legs, which was a mistake because without my hand at the base of his cock he was able to pull my face even further onto his cock. I gagged and coughed when that happened, clawing at his legs while groaning, gurgling air and saliva in a fully stuffed mouth...

I was panicking, scared! I sucked air in a heavy gulp through my nose, trying to turn my head against his muscular thighs that weren't forgiving or showing me any mercy. I couldn't free myself. He placed his hands on the back of my head - as if I weren't trap already between his legs - and tried pushing my head further onto his cock even more! I tried to stand, but couldn't. I couldn't even lean into him to get some sort of leverage to remove his legs from around my neck and head.

What the fuck are you doing?! I can't take anymore of you in my mouth without gagging or puking... Fuck! I wanted to be free of being trapped like this and I pushed hard on his legs again as a desperate muffled cry escaped my fully opened mouth - totally stuff full of his cock. I was drooling saliva like crazy, squirming, trying to pull away, and trying to push his legs over my head... Nothing was working! I can't breathe...

I coughed and felt him flex his cock in my mouth a few times - I could feel it expand slightly at the back of my throat. What the hell?! Not cool! My neck was hurting, my lips were smashed against the base of his cock... Fuck! He was hurting me - didn't he know?! "Oiueeeh...," I tried to cry out, "Eiiier...," I tried to call out his name in vain. Did he not hear me?! I was hyperventilating... Fear... I can't breathe...

I slapped my palm against his leg twice and there was the slightest hint of relief from being choked out. He slowly eased his leg lock on my trapped head after that, but before I could escape I felt him reach between his legs, hook his hands beneath my armpits, and in one motion he pulled me on top of him. I coughed violently, chest heaving, and then coughed a few more times... "Whaaa...," I couldn't speak and tried to regain some manner of normal breathing, but just collapsed on him. My face was smeared with saliva, it was in my hair, and my hair was a complete mess, plastered to my face. I tried to rub my face off on his chest, while dragging strands of hair from my mouth... I felt dizzy, disoriented...

His hands dropped to my hips and without warning the room flipped upside down before I knew what was happening. He had rolled us over and was now standing over me - where I had been kneeling between his legs moments ago at the foot of the bed. Everything was moving so quickly and I was sure I probably blacked out, maybe just for a fraction of a second. I tried to shake the fog from my head...

"You might have been a little scared but," he hooked his fingers at the waist band of my panties and pulled them down to my knees before I realized what was happening. Gravity made them drop to my ankles, since my legs were now dangling over the edge of the bed. He was looking at my nearly fully engorged cock, "This says maybe that wasn't so bad...," he fingered the tip of my little male appendage.

Shit! My panties were now hanging at my ankles! Why didn't I stop him! Now I truly felt like I was outside of my body watching him standing over me. He moved a hand around my cock, which dwarfed the skinny four inch appendage I loathed. I wondered - How is this happening right now? What was going to happen? The answer came quickly when his hand moved over the head of my cock dripping with pre-cum, "Brea, I fucking want you...," he stated as if there would be confusion on my part.

Huh? You want to fuck me? Had I heard him correctly? I trembled as his fingers played in the slippery liquid that coated the tip of my cock... This kind of thing hadn't happened since I was in my teens, long before HRT. How could it have gotten so slippery... Tyler stepped back, reached between my legs, pushed my thighs toward my chest, and got down on his knees at the foot of the bed. I cried out louder than I meant too when his tongue licked the tight rosebud opening below my tiny balls, "Ahhhhh! Hey... Hey... Whhaaaait...," he didn't stop or didn't hear me. How is that possible?! Is this what I wanted to happen?

The backs of my heels were now firmly on his shoulders, he had my cock in his hand, and his tongue flicked and probed my ass relentlessly. FUCK! I couldn't help but squirm, buck uncontrollably , moan, and even grab handfuls of the comforter... I tried to take his head in my hands at some point, but he pushed them away. FUCK ME! He squeezed the head of my cock and I yipped a startled cry - but it didn't faze him and he just move on with his assault on my sex as if I was encouraging him. "Ttty.... Tyler...," I pleaded.

His reply was a deep moan as his tongue entered my ass. I arched my back uncontrollably and barked, "Fuck!" He didn't slow down, it was like I was encouraging him. I could feel a building pressure long lost - but not forgotten - as he massaged his hand up and down my shaft. "No... I... Wait, wait... Ty... Waaa..." No acknowledgment... That familiar sensation was clicking into place, faster than I expected. His hand sliding up and down my shaft, tightening balls, his tongue licking my ass... I was going to... Oh shit! "Oh... Fuck! Auh! No... Aiiee...," I cried out, "I'm caaan't... Fucking shit... AHHAHHH! Tyler..."

And there was a final push of his tongue in my ass as I shot a load of cum all over my belly. The first spurt was powerful and I floundered, twisted, and tried to ride it out, but it was too intense. I had to cup my hands over his to get him to slow down his pumping my cock and to get him to stop. There was a second less intense involuntary spurt of cum, then a weaker third one... I could feel the dribbling of cum at the tip of a waning cock. My hands, his hands, were a sticky messes, and every movement sent a jolt through my body. I sucked in a heavy breath and exhaled through pursed lips. Oh fuck! OH FUCK! What just happened?! My body went limp...

I lay there in the glow of post sex numbness, trying to make sense of what had just happened, and trying to reason how pleasurable it was. I was spent, so please, please don't touch me I thought... When I finally opened my eyes, Tyler looked pretty pleased about what he'd just accomplished. I, I didn't want to think about it too much or the dysphoria gorilla would be happy to piss all over me. I tried to smile when we made eye contact, but shook my head, covering my eyes with my forearm. Somewhere in all that had just happened I'm positive I had an out of body experience and my DNA cells split or morphed. I had never had an orgasm like...

I felt Tyler's hand move over my stomach. I peeked beneath my arm to see what he was doing. He was gathering the sticky cum I'd just ejaculated all over my stomach. I was confused. What the hell are you doing? When he moved the sticky cum from his fingers to my ass, rubbing the cum liberally around and slowly pushing his fingertip inside of me - it was became obvious what he was doing. I gave him a look, full of concern, maybe laced with fear. When he was done gather the cum from my stomach, he looking down at me as if looking for my approval or to see if there was an objection to what was about to happen. I was still trying to come down off of an orgasmic high and he was already shifting gears. I needed to say...

"Relax...," he said, pushing two finger tips slowly inside of me, "Push against my fingers... Relax," he said.

Relax? Are you fucking kidding? I tightened the muscles down there and tried to push as requested. It helped, but was still not exactly comfortable - it was kind of arousing though... He was in his thinking that sex could be on the agenda tonight? I watched him spit in his hand and rub it over his cock, then he applied some of his saliva to my ass. Was I really going to just lay here and let him fuck me? With No condom?! Wait... He had a condom on - it was light-pink in color - what the hell? "Where did that come from," I asked.

"I've had it in my hand since I took my pants off. You didn't notice?"

"No... I was a bit preoccupied with, like a thousand other things..."

"Yeah, I could see where you might have been lost in a few other sensations... I was too," he said with a wolfish grin.

You think?! I watched him loop his arms behind my knees and lift / pulled me more towards the edge of the bed. OMG! Was this really going to happen? Is this what I wanted? I watched him switch his hold on my legs, take his cock in his hand, and rub it over my tight, but fairly lubed rosebud opening...

"Relax and push...," and when he had himself lined up where he wanted he tried to slowly pushed his cock's head inside of me. I was holding my breath, trying to push against his insertion attempt, trying to relax... "Breathe Brea...," he encouraged.

All I heard was 'Brea...' My eyes closed and rolled back in my head, face straining, there was pain... Ears ringing - more pain, then a moment of relief... I moved a hand toward my ass cheek, trying to spread a muscle that ached, but wasn't remotely involved with what was happening... Fuck! It hurts...

"Keep your knees together... Breathe...," he paused, "Puuush...," he said softly.

I moaned, it hurt, there was a lot of pressure, but it was hurting less when my knees were together... Fuck! How did we get to this... I felt my body bounce toward the headboard with a slight jolt, then I was pulled slightly back toward the edge of the bed. What the hell? I opened my eyes and looked up at Tyler.

"You...," he said with a hint of strain in his voice, "Okay?"

When I looked down his hips were firmly against my ass. OH FUCK! I huffed a few heavy breaths... He was fully inside of me! I put a hand on his stomach and pushed him back slowly. He did as I wanted, but he had no intention of pulling out and with just the head of his cock still inside of me he pushed forward slowly. I tried to relax every muscle, but it wasn't helping - but it wasn't hurting as much either. Wait, it hurts!

He smiled looking down at me, "Oh my God, you... You feel incredible..."

There was more pain, pressure, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd experienced in the past. Was he smaller than those other men? No, pretty sure he was bigger... My mind was being tugged in too many directions. Pain... "Slooo... Slower...," I whined and he rocked forward and back into me. The difference between him and those others two guys I had been with - he wasn't in a hurry to get his rocks off. He seemed content to prolonging the inevitable, his cumming, by making the experience somewhat tolerable for me. Fuck!

Tyler obliged, slowing his thrusts into me, while maintaining a neutral angle of attack... "Brea...," he whispered, pulling back quickly and gliding slowly back in until he was completely inside of me.

"Uaha...," I tried to reply.

"Fuck..."

"Yes...," I absently croaked, as my body was swaying back and forth on the bed ever so slightly as he pumped his cock in and out of me. How did this happen?! He stopped and I looked between my legs - OMG - he was fully inside of me! Tyler leaned forward and pinched the swollen nipple of my right breast playfully, I groaned a little and moved my hand to his, "That hurts... Not so hard..."

"Sorry...," he replied quietly. He palmed both my breasts, holding them firmly while gyrating his hips a couple inches back, and then pushing all seven inches of his cock inside of me with a little more force...

FUCK! There was no denying the pain had leveled off, but it was still there and when he was completely inside of me - it was fifty-percent pleasure, fifty-percent painful, and one-hundred-percent satisfying. I was still in shock that this was happening and, well - this WAS happening! I noticed Tyler had his closed his eyes. His facial expression said he was getting lost in his own pleasures.

The rocking of his hips and his cock in and out - varied. Slow to get deeper - his body firmly against mine and then quick to pull that bulbous head of his cock toward the exit - which caused me all kinds of pleasure inducing shudders and jolts of my body. When his hand gave up my breasts - they found a place to rest on my thighs. He picked up the pace, which increased the pain, but also the pleasure and satisfaction I was getting. I tried to move my body in unison with his every thrust, but things were speeding up and the first time our bodies colliding with force - there was a slapping noise. I grunted against the thrust and huffed out a breathe through clenched teeth. Fuck! He pulled back quick, then a faster thrust - Fuck! Another slap of his hips against my ass, louder, more pronounced. Ahhh... Ouch, ouch - that hurts!

He was in his own zone and I was beginning to feel like I was merely along for the ride - my pleasure was an afterthought. His pace picked up - way faster than I expected. I put my hands on his, but instead of reading that as me trying to say, 'Hey, take it easy!', he took it as something different. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me so my back was just barely off the mattress. My head flung back as the piston like plunging into my ass began - at a crazy speed now. I began to moan loudly, "Aaah... Aug... Aaah..." I could barely breathe... My head was rocking back and forth in unison with his thrusts. Pain... Pleasure... Gratification... The sound of his body slamming into mine. Pain...

"Oh fuck...," Tyler whispered as he slowed to a stop, letting me fall back onto the bed after releasing my wrists.

We were both huffing like we'd just sprinted down the hallway from the elevator or something. He caressed my legs and slowly pulled completely out. That hurt, but there was instant relief also. Had he cum and I didn't realize it? I looked at him, questioning what was going on. He dribbled more spit into hand, spread it over his cock, and slid the tip of his cock back inside of me... I blew out a strained breath, then squirmed when he pulled himself out again. He repeat that act a few more times - until I couldn't take it anymore and wrapped my legs around him, pulling him into me, not allowing him to pull out.

"Aaah...," he moaned quietly.

He tried to pull back, but I was holding him inside of me with my legs. He was looking at me, no doubt wondering what I was thinking - while I was doing the same, "You okay," I asked.

"Are you kidding?"

Hearing that was a boost to my psyche and I let my legs release their grip about his waist. Tyler began moving slowly out, not totally, and rammed himself into me with such force it made me choke on the breath I was taking. Holy fuck! I cringed... He pulled back quickly, then hammered himself in fully - jolting my body fully, violently. He quickly pulled out and rammed himself back inside, our bodies slapping together loudly above the background music from the TV. Out, back in, partially pulling back, grinding back to the base of his cock - making me squirm . I could feel his balls slapping against me as my body rocked and shook o the bed.

Tyler placed his hands back on my thighs and it became obvious he was making his final stand. The pace was quickening, the depth at which he was forcing his cock into me was dizzying, and his breathing was full of huffs and strained heaves of his chest. He was pounding my ass for... Pain! Pain! His hands were clamping my thighs too tightly and I had to pull them off - which took great effort. That act didn't slow his gyrations, but I knew he had to be close, "Fuck...," I half-moaned.

He slammed into me twice so I hard I couldn't help but cry out. In, deep, grinding, quickly out and completely out... Repeat... There was no way I could control what was happening and I was trying to soak up all the pleasure I could, while beaming that he was as lost in the pleasures as I was. "Aaaaa! Oh, fuck...," he cried out thrusting quickly in...

And through the numb and assaulted nerves around my ass, I felt a brief sensation I hadn't expected to feel. He was cumming! I could feel his cock pulsing, surging... Oh, fuck me! He rammed his cock into me for all he could two, three times, and swayed his hips slightly while riding out his orgasm. He grunted, then slowed to a stop.

"Tyler...," I whispered. That got me a quick flex of his cock still inside of me and a slow, sensually slow, deep drives into me. I couldn't help but feel like I had conquered something I would never have thought I could... Surreal... Mind completely blown!

Tyler waited a good minutes before pulling his waning cock from inside of me. I think we both sighed in unison when he was completely out. I watched him remove the condom and climb onto the bed, laying back as I was with his legs over the edge of the bed. He took my hand, "That was... I'm serious, that was amazing...," he said softly.

So many emotions were flowing inside of me I wasn't sure I could even speak without breaking down and crying. What the hell?! I squeezed his hand, "Thank you... That truly was amazing, special...," I replied closing my eyes. I wondered if he truly realized how much this night meant to me, validated a portion of my transition I feared constantly - never being wanted by anyone...

-------------------------
AUTHORS NOTE: Thank you for reading my story, for the comments left or sent to me directly, and all the "Likes". I try to answer each post / message in a timely manner, but I want to let you know I'm going on vacation for the next 9 days - sunny Mexico here I come! I will try to check in while away - but don't count on it. I will pick up where I left off in this story when I return. Thanks again for tagging along!

XOXO

Rachel

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Wednesday, March 28th 12:13 AM
Tyler slowly moved the arm, then leg he had slung over my body as we cuddled while coming down from our sexual highs. The warmth of his skin on mine was mesmerizing to me and I wondered if he felt anywhere near the same as I did. I watch him sit up, look back at me, and smile, "I wish I could stay longer, but Dana will probably think I got abducted or something ridiculous like that... I'm sorry, I should probably go."

I reached for his arm and gave it a little squeeze, "Sure...," I replied quietly, almost as a question. I didn't want him to go, but I was happy it didn't feel like he was trying to run out of here right after we'd finished. We'd been laying next to each other for at least thirty minutes and during that calm there were a few kisses, some touching, and a comfortable silence. My mind was running on overload and as much as I wanted to talk about what had happened, what it meant to me, how I wanted to see him again - we just held each other silently and that probably spoke volumes. Could he sense how I was feeling?

Tyler stood and went about getting dressed. He had such a nice ass, OMG, what a nice ass! He looked back at me while pulling his pants up, "You okay?"

Was I okay? Are you kidding me?! I was better than okay... "Wish you didn't have to go...," I said at a whisper, "Will I see you tomorrow?"

He smiled, "It's already tomorrow... I'm sure we can work something out."

I crooked my head towards the alarm clock on the nightstand - 12:15 AM - Augh... I needed a shower and I needed to be asleep! I would need to be up at 6:00 AM to get a quick bite to eat and then meet Bill at 7:30 AM in lobby for my half-hour final rehearsal at 8:00 AM. Augh, augh, and augh... Right now, the competition meant far less to me than the opportunity to meet Tyler again and repeat what we'd just enjoyed together. Well, minus the bondage like head-lock thing. After the fact it was a bit scary, but exciting also - I suppose. I hadn't processed it entirely, but I would probably mention it was a bit uncomfortable and ask we skipped that kind of thing next time. Would he be disappointed in my not wanting to play so rough? Would there even be a...

"Come here you...," Tyler said after dressing, reaching his hand out toward me. When I took his hand he pulled me gently to a standing position, then hugged me tightly. I felt his hand roam over my soft giggly ass, squeezing firmly causing me to grind my body into his. He leaned in to kiss me and after a few seconds pulled away, "Thank you for not being too mad at me..."

I looked into his eyes, "Please don't tell Dana about this..."

He replied quickly, "Ah, yeah - don't need him kicking my ass...," he chuckled.

There was one last peck on the lips, a soft gliding of his hand over my chest, and a light playful slap of my ass. I walked him to the door, hid behind it as he left, and as soon as the door shut I felt very alone. It was tomb quiet, but my mind was racing. Where had all my inhibitions gone? I just had sex with a man I barely knew. What the hell!

Augh... I could beat myself up twenty ways to Sunday, but I need to get to sleep! Go, get ready for bed, get ready for a big day - today! I'm sure I'll see him later... I hope...

Wednesday, March 28th 7:48 AM
Bill started talking as soon as we met in the lobby, I smiled a lot, but didn't add much. Him and Charles enjoyed the Blue Man show last night and had an amazing dessert in the MGM Grand on the way back to the hotel. I was dying to tell someone about my night, but I didn't want a lecture about how I needed to be on my game for the competition. Last night was certainly not me staying focused on being ready for tonight. I yawned unexpectedly, "You didn't sleep well?"

"No, I slept deep, just didn't get enough sleep...," I replied, enunciating the word 'enough' like he was in on what had happened. Augh! Stop! Hold your tongue...

"Oh, well you better get some down time before tonight. You ready for this," he asked concerned.

"As much as I can be, I guess... Wish you were playing for me though - I don't have a good feeling about Brian..."

"He's a pro Brea, he'll deliver - you'll see...," he said trying to encourage my doubts away.

Wednesday, March 28th 8:10 AM
It took a few minutes to get settled into the first song. Mike dialed up my levels for 'Toxic' and as soon as Brian began to play I had to stop him. Something wasn't right, didn't sound right, and I asked Mike to check - he did and Brian began again. Okay, that's more... I got the first line out and had to stop again, "Something isn't right with this IEM (In Ear Monitor), can we switch it out," I asked Mike.

"Sure... Hold on...," Mike replied. He came on stage, unhooked the IEM I was wearing and plugged in another.

I adjusted them in my ears as he watched, "I'm really sorry, it just didn't sound right..."

"No problem Breanna, we want this to be right, so whatever it takes. We got you...," he smiled and patted me on the back to let me know I was ready to go.

I hummed a few warm-up exercises, now that sounded better. I turned to Brian, "That sounds better, wanna go?"

He nodded and the intro sprung from the piano and I began singing, "Baby, can't you see... I'm calling... A guy like you should wear a warning...," I looked towards Bill watching from center auditorium and he held up two thumbs. It was the confidence I needed to plow through the rest of the song.

As Brian played the last haunting notes I smiled, turned toward stage left and gave Mike a thumbs up. When Brian stopped playing I walked over to him and gave him a hug, "That was perfect," I said, hoping I didn't sound too neurotic with the encouragement.

"Cool, think I'm set. By the way, you nail that song like you just did and you'll be in the finals. Not trying to play favorites or anything, and trust me there are some amazing singers, but you are in a class of your own..."

I was stunned by the compliment and hugged him again, "Thank you so much Brian..."

He stood and headed off stage as Mike was in my IEM, "You ready for your next song?"

I held up a finger indicating I needed a moment, then walked to the edge of the stage where Bill was waiting, "How was it," I asked.

"Good, a bit more gravelly than usual don't you think? Your throat bothering you or something?"

"No, not really," which was a lie. I had woke up with a sore neck and a bit of a sore throat. I tried to get ahead of those issues with Advil and warm chamomile tea when I woke up and more tea with breakfast.

"If you say so... Watch your breathing. You got this...," he said finally. I'm not sure he believed me about my throat, but I wasn't going to get into any details he didn't need to know about. I'd be fine by tonight - I hoped.

In my IEM I heard Mike, "Hey Brea, you got about eight minutes - you ready for your second song?"

"Sure, let's go...," Bill nodded, knowing I was being talked to from back stage. I watch him head toward center auditorium as I returned to the classic condenser style microphone that had the retro look I wanted for both songs tonight.

The void of vocals music began and on cue I began singing...

Wednesday, March 28th 8:33 AM
"How was that last take," I asked.

He looked at me a long moment, then placed his fingertips gently at my jaw line, "Sing Aaaaa, Bbbbb, Oooo...,"

I did as requested, not even questioning the request. When done I asked, "What?"

"Something doesn't sound right, you sure your throat isn't bothering you?"

Augh! "Maybe a little, but it's nothing. I'll be fine by tonight..."

He looked at me concerned, "You should have skipped this final check Brea. Your vocal chords could have gotten unnecessarily strained. You were dialed in yesterday and if you had told me before going in there you were having throat issues I would have said to skip this session. Seriously..."

Bill looked disappointed, "I'm sorry, I don't think it's that bad..."

"There are going to be some trained ears listening to you tonight and if you're not at one-hundred percent it's going to be obvious. Tea, Advil, limit talking, and do not practice anymore today. You know what you need to sing inside and out Brea, save yourself for tonight...," he paused, "Then after the show, no alcohol, limit talking, in bed early, repeat tomorrow... Breathing, focus, and save yourself for the shows."

I respected everything he was telling me and expected no less from him. It was a bit uncanny he could tell something was off with my voice. I hadn't thought that my voice was off because of last night, but now thinking about the gagging and severe coughing I did while choking on Tyler's... Yeah, that pretty much has to be the reason for the difficulties with my throat and with my voice, "I understand... Thank you Bill for being here for me and believing in me..."

"We love you Brea... You can do great things with that voice of yours, I think this competition will prove that to you. Now, go get some rest. No arguments young lady..." he said smiling and giving me a hug before he headed off toward the casino to find Charles...

Wednesday, March 28th 8:46 AM
I had just finished going to the bathroom when my phone jingled. I swiped the lock and saw it was a text from my mom - 'Through security, should be at the hotel by noon. Going to grab some coffee. Excited to see you. Love you.'

I texted back, 'Let me know when you arrive and I'll come down to the lobby.'

Mom: 'OK.'

I set an alarm for 11:00 AM, plugged my phone in, and set it on the nightstand before pulling the comforter back and climbing into bed. I was wearing just a t-shirt and footie socks, and the coolness of the sheets made me shiver. The AC was on low and droning, so the cool air and numbing sound would put me out pretty quickly. I laid there on my back in the dark thinking about last night, about Tyler being inside of me, about how he didn't rush, about how one day it would as natural as breathing...

Wednesday, March 28th 11:00 AM
The buzzing of my phone vibrating on the nightstand combined with the awful alarm music had me feeling around for the phone. When I found it I swiped the alarm 'Dismiss' icon and set the phone down. Augh, my mouth was dry and when I swallowed that desert in my mouth tasted like stale cooked broccoli or something just as gross. I did another test swallow and my throat was still sore. Shit...

I threw the comforter off and instantly pulled it back on. Oh crap! It was cold in here. Damn it! I had to get rolling, so repeated the toss of the comforter and quickly darted into the bathroom - closing the door quickly and turning on the heat. I shuddered, then got the shower going... I could really use a thirty minute shower, but I didn't have the time. Before I removed my t-shirt I tossed three Advil in my mouth and took a sip of water straight from the faucet to get them down - please calm my throat I thought while looking at myself in the mirror as the steam began to form at the upper edges...

Wednesday, March 28th 12:08 PM
Mom had texted around 11:40 to tell me she had just landed. I hoped she didn't have all the issues Bill and Charles had getting off their plane. At 12:04 she texted again to say she was getting her bag and knew where to wait for the shuttle bus to the hotel. Instead of waiting in my room I decided to go and wait for her in the lobby.

When the doors to the elevator opened to the lobby there were police and security people milling about. I tensed up and looked around for some kind of issue. When I didn't see anything, I walked toward some chairs in the atrium area of the lobby and sat down watching the activity. I wondered if someone had been caught cheating in the casino or something. I was looking toward the front desk when I heard my name, "Breanna...," called out from behind me.

I turned toward the voice, to see Wyatt coming my way, "Hey Wyatt...," I said smiling.

"You see the protestors," he asked.

"No, I just got here. What happened?"

"Not entirely sure, but I guess a couple protestors got past security and began thumping their bibles and spewing a bunch of crap. A couple of them had enough time to unfurl a banner, if you can believe that. Someone said a fight broke out, there was a bunch of shoving, and finally the police reacted and took a couple people out of here... That's what one of the PBS people told me. Think they got it on film, so they're in a conference room showing the police footage."

"Oh wow... That's a bit crazy, huh?"

"Yeah, really is... What kind of rent-a-security does this place even have in place," he mused, then changed directions, "I don't know if you like the PBS aspect of this competition or not, but if you hang out here and they see you - they're going to rope you into an impromptu interview... I just escaped a short one," he said rolling his eyes.

"I'm just waiting for my mom, then I'll be out of here," I picked up a newspaper from the table beside my chair and opened it up - essentially hiding behind it, "This should throw them off my scent..."

"Yeah, well you've been warned," he said with a chuckle.

"Thanks, I appreciate that. Did you get a rehearsal slot this morning?"

"Just finished, well before the interview thing... You?"

"Earlier, think I'm ready. How are you feeling?"

"Pretty good. The band is pretty damn good, so I'm excited about performing with a crew that knows what they're doing for once...," he replied laughing, "My guys from home are pretty sloppy - good - but sloppy, especially after a couple drinks. We perform in local bars around Nashville, but it's a grind and certainly doesn't pay the rent..."

"Yeah, I only do the amateur scene in San Diego and I was worried about the guy on piano, Brian, not being able to deliver my arrangement - but today he was spot on. You have any trouble with your EIM?"

"No, no monitor problems. I like Brian, seems like a good guy..."

"Yeah, totally... I just want this first night to be over with. I hope to make it to the final, but I'm not counting on it. He said there were some really talented singers amongst us," I said hoping I didn't sound too worried.

"Yup, what Gary told me also..."

I looked confused, "Gary?"

"Guitar player, tall, nice looking, someone I wouldn't be opposed to meeting after the show," he said smiling, "Ya know, what happens in Vegas..."

"Mmmhuh, stays here...," I said smiling, while thinking - I'm all for that - but wouldn't mind some of Vegas following me home.

"Well, I'm out... Gotta see if my luck in the casino is holding, hopefully not drop too much in there. We doing the club thing tonight," he asked.

Shit! I needed to touch base with Blake. Augh... "I'm still working on that. Need to find my contact. I'll let ya know before the show," I replied.

"Okay... See you later..."

"Thanks Wyatt..."

He looked at me confuse, then nodded, "Better get that newspaper up - PBS on da' prowl...," he said laughing as he walked away, pointing towards the entryway to the conference rooms.

I pulled the paper up, hoping they hadn't seen us talking. I did not want to get interviewed again...

Wednesday, March 28th 12:21 PM
After a quick hug my mom asked, "You look like you haven't slept well, what's wrong?"

If anyone could see right through me, especially given my journey the past five years, it was my mom. I explained the grind had been pretty tough to keep up with and that I thought I had a sore throat. That last bit of disclosure got me a lecture and her rummaging through her purse for some crazy organic throat lozenges. I complained, but she gave me that 'I know better...' look and I just went with it - popping one in my mouth. Yucko! Mmmm, dirt flavored! Augh...

I grabbed the handle to her suitcase after she was done getting her room and we turned toward the elevators, that's when I noticed Blake walking through the lobby, "I need to talk to that guy... Can I meet you in your room," I asked my mom hastily.

"Of course honey. Who is that," she asked.

"His name is Blake Schultz. He's..."

She interrupted me, "The stalker?"

I had told her the story about Blake recruiting me for the competition and was now regretting the use of the word 'stalker' to describe any of our interactions. Grrr! "No... It's more like he was oddly persistent and I over reacted..."

"I think I'd like to meet him..."

"Mom...," I was glaring at her, "Do not embarrass me..."

"When have I ever done that sweetie," she asked knowing full well I could come up with a list of incidents if she really wanted me to.

"Augh... Mom, please...," I was pleading now and felt juvenile.

I watched her raise her hand to wave and I snapped my head towards where Blake was a moment ago - no longer there. And there he was, almost upon us, and smiling... How did you get over here so quickly?!

"Breanna... Hey, good to see you. This must be your mother," he asked.

"Oh, hi Blake... Yes, this is my mom," I turned toward my mom with a worried look on my face. Don't embarrass me I thought - trying to send that thought to her via a woman's telepathic thought process or whatever...

"So nice to meet you Mrs. Calloway...," Blake said, extending his hand to shake hers.

"Likewise... Please, I'm Denise, Mrs. Calloway is reserved for my dentist and stock broker, a few others...," she said smiling.

Blake chuckled politely at her little joke, which I'd heard a number of times and with all types of professionals she interacted with - doctors, employees, mayor, etc. "You excited for tonight's show Denise," he asked.

"Oh, I am... I've been watching Brea sing since she was this tall," she held her hand out about waist high, "She will give the competition a run for their money."

Augh! MOM! Please stop! I smiled feebly at Blake, "I'll do my best mom... No pressure," I rolled my eyes at no one in particular.

"You'll do fine," Blake said looking at me, then turning to my mom, "We're excited to have Breanna here... What are you ladies up too? Did you just get here Denise?"

"Yes, just got checked in. Think we'll probably grab lunch, any recommendations," my mom asked.

"I'm partial to the 'Little Cayman'. It's just past the casino there," he pointed down a hallway across the lobby, "Here...," he pulled out his phone and dialed a number, "Hey Cass... Blake. I'm sending a couple VIP's over," he paused to listen, "For two... Breanna Calloway," anther pause, "Yes, tab that for me... You're the best. Thanks..." When he finished he put his phone back into his suit jacket, "Okay, Cass has a table for you ladies. Feel free to order whatever you would like to eat and drink - we'll pick up the tab. I really like the blackened Red Snapper, but if you don't want seafood you can't go wrong with the Jerk beef tips."

"Thank you Blake," my mom said, "You didn't need to do that..."

"My pleasure... Anything else we can do for you?"

I don't know why I felt so nervous, but this was my chance to ask Blake about getting a group of us into the club tonight. Augh! Breathe... "I, I meant to try to get with you last night about something... I was hoping to a, get a table in either of the clubs tonight... After the show... Like for twelve of us?" I sounded like I had no confidence, sheepish, and more nervous than I expected. I looked at my mom and she was giving me a puzzled look. What?!

He thought about it for a second, "Not a problem, but it'll cost you." The confused look on my face must have spoke volumes because he didn't wait for me to question the 'cost'. "One drink, later, my treat," he finished his friendly ask.

What the hell was going on?! Between my mom's looks, which I hoped Blake hadn't picked up on, and my inability to speak - aka 'nervous school girl syndrome' - this meet up with Blake wasn't going as I expected it would. I was reeling a little, trying to catch my bearings, process his ask... Before I could speak, my mom said, "Brea's got a sore throat, Blake. Alcohol is probably not on her list of beverages to consume the next couple days...," she paused to look at me, "Right honey..."

Both of them were looking at me, say something! "Yeah, I probably should stay away from alcohol..." What was my freak'n problem?! Why couldn't I speak with any confidence?

"Not a problem, the bar menu has plenty of non-alcoholic options. We gotta deal," he asked.

"Sure..." What was I going to say, 'No!' "Guess... I'll look for you in the club after the contestants 'Meet and Greet' after the show..."

"Perfect. Well, you ladies enjoy lunch. I have to check on a few things... Nice to meet you Denise. Hopefully see you ladies tonight in the club later..."

Mom replied in kind to the 'Nice to meet you...' and Blake turned and headed towards the conference room area. We headed toward the bank of elevators in silence and entered the middle one in the bank of five. Alone in the elevator mom gave me a look. "What," I asked.

"He likes you...," she said.

"No... He's just a nice man..."

"Okay...," she drug the word out, "How many others in this competition had their airfare paid for to get them here, get lunch paid for, get VIP treatment in the club..."

"Mom, all our meals and lodging have been picked up by the hotel for this competition. Getting lunch, he's just being polite. And honestly, the club thing - if we're any good tonight people will want to be around us to rub elbows with the contestants. It'll be a draw for his club to have us there. He's no dummy, he knows we're value added to this place... And did you hear what he said? He thinks you're going to be in the club tonight also. Don't read more than there is with him mom..."

She looked at me a long moment, then said, "So, he's not attractive at all..."

"Mom!" I started a little exasperated, "I don't know, I honestly he's okay I guess," I didn't give it a second thought and wished I could sway the conversation some other direction, "You know he's like ten years older than me, maybe more..."

"Nothing wrong with an older man Brea... Generally a little brighter than the younger ones," she said with a giggle.

"He's a nice man, that's it..." Please! I did not want to talk with her about men or whatever...

"Yes, a nice man," she pause as if she conceded my point, then added, "Who just happens to like my daughter..." I could see in the mirrored finish of the elevator doors she was smiling and trying to suppress a laugh. Augh! Mom's...

Wednesday, March 28th 6:49 PM
All the contestants had arrived at the theater to prepare for the show by 5:00 PM - not a single person was late. The first order of business was walking through the process for the evening - where to be, how to enter / exit the stage area, dressing rooms, food and drinks request, and hanging out in the 'green room' until called to be on deck as the next performer or waiting for everyone to complete singing their song. When everyone had finished singing, we would be paraded on stage for some pomp and circumstance, and the six finalists for the finale would be announced. The show would then be over, the audience would be invited to meet the singers, and we'd be paraded to a banquet room to mingle. Oh, and don't forget the PBS cameras will be running and catching all the action...

Because it took longer for the women to get made-up and there were only six makeup and hair stylists on staff tonight - we went through getting made-up in shifts. Dressing was a bit crowded and I got to share a room to get dressed with Michelle and Janet - both from my group yesterday. Wyatt got paired up with Dana and Jesse - the only three males in the contest. Everyone was dressing to impress - a few of the women were certainly taking their outfits to the Vegas show girl extreme, but most were in beautiful ball gowns and looked amazing. Then there was me in my Britney Spears wanna-look-like-her leather pants, black heeled boots, long black gloves, black wig, shawl, and leather black bra. If I wasn't intimidated enough before - these women looking as they did certainly knocked me down a few notches...

When I was dressed I made my way to the 'green room' and eventually sat next to Wyatt. He was dressed entirely in black - suit, shirt, tie, cowboy boots and hat. He looked like someone straight out of a country music video. Of course when I entered the room the seven others already waiting - either standing or sitting - didn't hesitate to 'check' my outfit out. Most looks were polite, but there were some judging pretty hard and I tried to not let it bother me - which of course was a battle I wasn't going to win. Breathe...

"Let me guess, Britney Spears," Wyatt asked after I sat.

"That obvious huh," I replied quietly.

"I personally love her and you look damn good if you don't mind me saying. You singing 'Toxic'?"

"Mmmhuh... What are you singing?"

"Putting a spin on the Eagles 'Hotel California'. Going to twang it up a little... It kills in Nashville, we'll see about here in Vegas...," he said smiling and appearing to not be nervous at all.

I really hadn't given it much thought, but I shouldn't have been surprised that some of these talented singers were going to go the creative route and spin a popular song to showcase not only their voices, but who they were as artists. I looked around the room and wondered what everyone else was singing. While getting dressed I learned Michelle was singing 'Black Velvet' by Alannah Miles and Janet was singing something by Carrie Underwood I wasn't familiar with.

"Everyone... Five minutes... I need Jenna - you're up first. Lisa on deck...," someone with headphones on was saying to the group milling about the 'green room'. Everyone watched him walk to a TV monitor, turn it on, and adjust the volume. It was a live feed of the stage, from the left rear side. So, we'd be seeing the back side of the singer and the audience - Oh God! From the look of the feed - the audience had packed their way into the theater... Augh! Nerves, not now... Breathe...

I watched as Jenna moved towards the door, with Lisa right behind her. They waited for the headphone wearing coordinator to exit, then waved at those waiting our turns. A couple people wished them luck - I was thankful I wasn't first and wasn't last. If the nerves hadn't kicked in fully to those waiting - that had just changed. You could feel the room tense up just a little... It was about to get very real, very fast...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Wednesday, March 28th 8:13 PM
The show was progressing as expected and everyone who had performed already had definitely brought their 'A' games - their very best performances. Only two of the performances so far might be considered outside of the singers vocal abilities. Interestingly enough Alexia had done a Whitney Houston song - 'I Will Always Love You' and while not a terrible rendition - she didn't have control of her upper ranges and her performance likely suffered in the judges eyes.

I could sing most of Whitney's catalog of songs - but I would never try singing any of her songs as part of a competition, under pressure. Realistically, my performance of that song would have been full of flaws also. It's not that Alexia didn't have a good performance overall - but it just wasn't in the same category as some of the others who had performed before her.

Jenna choose the Mairiah Carey song - 'Vision of Love'. Maybe it was nerves, but she didn't nail the song and seemed shaky in her higher registers. To be fair she was the first to perform tonight, so maybe there were nerves involved. Plus, the band didn't seem on point to me, like they needed a warm-up act. They seemed way more in sync following her performance. She might be on the bubble, but with four singers left, she was probably a long shot to make the finale.

I was spending so much time calculating my chances of moving on and my nerves were spiking to levels approaching my tipping point. I watched every performer and there was no doubt that this competition was being taken seriously and I had better get my mind right before walking out on stage... Focus... I was beginning to question my song choice... Focus? Augh! Focus!

If the competition wasn't enough to waiver my resolve - the presence of the PBS crew in the 'green' room, with a camera in everyone's faces and the microphone boom swinging around to capture quiet conversations or encouraging critiques was nothing short of annoying. Leza Howell was not only the emcee for the show, but she was being run ragged between her duties introducing the singers, then while performances were going on she was asking questions of those waiting for their chance to perform. Luckily she was focused more with talking to those who'd just finished performing than those of us waiting our turns. Her questions were easy, like - "How do you think did?" and "How did you feel on stage?" and "What did you think of the audiences energy?" It all added to already frazzled nerves if you were waiting to perform...

"Breanna Calloway... You're on deck," the headphone wearing staffer said from the door of the 'green' room.

Hearing my name called took my breath away for a split second. I looked at Wyatt, who was smiling as I scooted to the edge of the couch cushion and stood. He reached up and took my hand, "You'll be fine... Relax..."

"Thanks Wyatt...," I turned to follow my caller toward the stage waiting area. The applause grew louder as I got closer to the stage. My stomach roiled and I tried to slow my breathing, while concentrating on walking in these spiked heeled boots. I should have worn them more, practiced walking in them... Augh! Focus...

"Good luck Breanna," I heard someone say from in front of me in the dim hallway to the stage.

I looked up to see Carol walking towards me. She had just finished performing and as we passed I croaked out a weak, "Thanks..."

I could hear Leza Howell on stage saying something, applause followed, then she introduced Michelle. The applause was crazy loud, deafening, even from off stage and it gave me chills, goose bumps up and down my arms. Oh fuck... Breathe...

Wednesday, March 28th 8:19 PM
Michelle was killing it... Her voice was so slinky smooth and suited to the Alannah Miles song 'Black Velvet'. She knew what she was doing, especially her lower register growl when she dropped into the chorus. She would easily make it to the next round. The band was so...

"Rrrreep! Rrreep! Rrreep!," a short pause, then the screeching continued, "Rrrreep! Rrreep! Rrreep!"

The noise was erupting from all directions and screeched, clawed at the back stage area for your attention. Tiny LED lights on the wall and ceiling were flashing randomly to the noise. It startled me so much my heart jumped a beat and I Iooked around nervously - what the fuck?! I could see stage personnel looking around concerned, then they began acting, moving as if they had a new purpose. The band went silent awkwardly. Michelle had already stopped singing, confused she looked back towards the stage sound control board and Mike the stage manager. I could see him talking into his mic as the house lights were brought up. He left the mixing board and headed on stage - all while we were fighting to endure the screeching "Rrrreep! Rrreep! Rrreep!" and now brightly lit backstage area. Was it this loud for the audience? Shit!

"Ladies and gentlemen," Mike began at the microphone on stage next to Michelle, "Please exit the theater either through the rear or the two exits at the front sides of the stage..." He was pointing like an airline stewardess, "Thank you... Nothing to be alarmed about... Exit to the rear or at the stage..."

I felt a tap on my shoulder, "This way Breanna... Fire alarm. It's probably nothing, but we need to exit out the back."

Fire alarm? Was there a fire? Shit! I followed the stagehand back towards the 'green' room, which was now empty. An exit door was open in front of us and I could see a crowd of people in the alleyway behind the hotel. Once outside I looked left, then right - it was like a sea of people and growing from the exits on each side of the backstage exit. The two lane alleyway behind the hotel was becoming packed - many with concerned faces. Everyone was talking at once - which was noisier than I expected and when I pulled my EIM's the volume of the crowd jumped. The alarm wasn't as load as inside the theater, but combined with the crowd, the acoustics of the alleyway bordered by the hotel and backside of a lesser strip hotel, it was deafening... Thank God the alleyway was lit or this would be a bit spooky. I looked for any sign of a fire, there didn't appear to be smoke or flames.

I made my way to a group of contestants, looking for Wyatt and Janet - they weren't in this cluster. I turned and saw Janet, she waved, and I headed toward her. "Well ain't that special...," she said when I joined her, Wyatt, and Dana.

"Do you think there really a fire," I asked.

"I don't smell anything," Wyatt said, "If there is it's either in the kitchen or someone is fucking with the show..."

I thought about my mom, Bill and Charles, and Kaley - wondering if they exited to the rear or out front. I tried to scan the crowd - no luck finding them in the sea of bodies. It would be a huge deal if there really was a fire. If it was a false alarm, where was all the security Karen Cole had said would be on site? There was an outright brawl in the lobby this morning and now this? The fucking tolerant right wing Christian warriors out front - was this their doing?

In the distance I could hear the sound of sirens. When more of the gathered crowd began to hear them the volume of those talking dropped slightly, but only momentarily. Someone with a blow-horn began speaking, I turned to locate the speaker - Mike - and found him near the stage exit. "We will need to clear this area," he began, "Please move to the north - follow the stage staff with flashlights..." He repeated his message, but added, "Thank you..." to the end of his directions. We began moving up the alley towards the main cross street that bordered the hotel with the rest of the crowd as the sound of sirens grew louder behind us.

Wednesday, March 28th 8:51 PM
The problem with moving within the herd of people up the alley was trying to keep up in these now insanely uncomfortable high heeled boots. My feet were screaming and all I wanted to do was sit and get them off! When we rounded the corner there were more hotel staff directing us to continue and round the front corner of the hotel and reenter at the main entrance. We could hear people asking if there was a fire, but the staffers replied they weren't sure. Why did these stupid hotels insist on taking up entire blocks? Grrr!

I should take these boots off I thought... Okay, it's not much further. Get out of the cold night air and into the warmth of the hotel lobby - see if I can locate my mom. I was nearly naked in this outfit from the waist up and felt even more so without my phone. I hoped she wasn't worried about me... Augh! This really sucks!

As we approached the corner to the hotels front side we could hear shouting, then someone on a blow-horn yelling some message that was unintelligible. It was a little confusing, at least until we got entirely around the corner - then it became more obvious what was being broadcast, "Jesus would not approve...," the person was saying, "You will burn in hell!" Fuck... "Repent..." Shit, we didn't need this crap...

It would take very little to set off the powder keg that was the Pro LGBTQ and Transgender audience that had been forced to exit the theater from the rear of the hotel. These people weren't happy about the shows interruption. All said, we were easily three-hundred plus strong marching to reenter the hotel and get back into the theater - when it was deemed safe. These idiots, an unnecessary distraction...

And then - it happened... Whomever was on that blow-horn for the Christian wing nuts used the word, "Faggots..." and it was on! The gap between the people in front of us grew quickly as a portion of the them rushed forward to confront the heckling protestors. Some people even charged past us! There were shouts, the sound of more sirens, and a jumble of screams and profanities that flowed as the two opposing groups collided - separated only by a handful of police and wooden sawhorse like barricades. The police were shouting in vain over the protestors - at least until an officer from his car flipped on his siren and lights. He began ordering the crowd to disperse from the PA system in his vehicle. It did little to cool those gathering and were heated...

Wyatt, Janet, and I watched the outnumbered group of maybe thirty, possibly forty, protestors stand defiantly between the police, some hotel security, and the barricades setup along the sidewalk area in front of the hotel. The now highly aroused audience from the theater was not backing down and easily outnumbered the protestors by three to one, maybe even more. This wasn't going to be good if the police don't get control of these idiots...

"We don't need any of this shit," Wyatt yelled so we could hear him over the crowd. He took our hands and lead us to the left towards the hotels entrance, we were following the flow of the audience not interested in getting caught up in the conflict.

Wednesday, March 28th 8:57 PM
Pop! Pop, pop, pop, pop-pop-pop! What the fuck! The crowd around us was ducking, there was screaming, and the people in front of us began running toward the hotel lobby entrance thirty feet away. We did the same - caught up in the mob mentality to escape an unknown danger. Police were shouting, we could see their guns were drawn, as they were clearing a way through the protesting religious zealots. "Get down! On the ground! Now! ON THE GROUND!" Multiple voices commanded as we veered left towards the lobby. Gunfire? Oh, shit!

We made it into the lobby in a mass of bodies not daring to look back. If those were gun shots these people's shit had just entered the insane zone. In the crowded lobby we were intercepted by someone from the show staff and directed toward the conference room area. I looked back towards the lobby before we got to the conference room they wanted us to gather in - it was wall to wall bodies as far as I could see. When we approached the conference room two security personnel, unarmed, opened the doors for us and we were quickly surrounded by the other contestants and show staff. Questions flew as fast as the possible gunshots we heard outside, "Are you alright?" - "Were those gunshots?" - "Is anyone hurt?"

Wyatt answered for us - trying to maintain a calm demeanor and not stretching the reality of the situation. I looked around those gathered for Michelle. She wasn't in the room. Augh... The conference room door opened a moment later - Leza Howell and Michelle entered, followed by Karen Cole.

When Michelle joined us, there were hugs all around - interrupted by Karen Cole, "If I can have everyone's attention...," she paused, waiting for the room to settle down.

"Was there someone out there with a gun," Alexia asked impatiently.

"As of yet we have not been informed whether there was a gun or gunfire from the protesting crowd out front...," Karen replied, "We're waiting to speak with the police incident commander. As of right now we're all safe and I've been told the police have the situation under control..."

There were murmurs throughout the group and some questioning looks from the members of the stage crew, band, and PBS representatives - the contestants also. "We can't jump to any conclusions," she continued, "As of right now, the report from the Vegas Fire Department is we had a false alarm. We can be thankful for that..."

I heard someone behind me whisper something about the Vegas shooting several years ago and I shuddered. Holy fuck... We could have been set up to get shot at in that alley or run down by some idiot in a moving truck speeding through the alley to take as many of us out as possible. Fuck... This shit, the protestors, could be a bigger threat than anyone was considering. And tonight, tonight was just the first night of this competition! I closed my eyes - God, please watch over my mom...

Wednesday, March 28th 9:34 PM
The conference room was instantly quieted when the door opened and Blake Schultz entered, followed by a police officer with decorative bars on his collar. "Hello everyone," Blake began, "Not exactly the way we envisioned tonight going. I think Karen already informed you about the fire alarm. That was a false alarm, I just want to reiterate that. Someone pulled an alarm just around the corner from the theater entrance. We evacuated the theater and every room north, including two floors above the theater. We do have video of the person who pulled the alarm, but have not located them yet. A photo of this person has been released to all the local TV stations and Crime Stoppers has offered a ten-thousand dollar reward for information leading to an arrest and conviction. I've talked to the GM of the Grand Cayman and he's given permission for us to match that amount. We should have something on this person shortly...," he paused, "This is Captain Collin Bartell of the Las Vegas Police Department, I'll let him status you on the incident out front, Captain..."

"Good evening," he paused to get audience feedback and after receiving a meek reply in kind, 'Good evening...', he continued. "I'll begin with telling you what you heard out front of the hotel was not gunfire. What you heard were fireworks set off by one, possibly two, of the protestors out front. We have arrested two suspects and recovered some additional fireworks," he paused to look around at everyone, "As you can imagine that was a very dangerous act by those suspects, as my officers had to make a split second decision on whether there was a greater threat in that crowd. Those arrested are very lucky and are facing multiple charges - including a possible domestic terrorism charge."

There were a few comments from those listening intently, the most poignant was from Leza Howell who said, "That is so fucked up... Who do these people think they are?" She had a few people chorus that sentiment and I'm pretty sure everyone agreed with her.

When the comments died down Captain Bartell continued, "We did detain and search those protestors who we contained in the area in front of the hotel. We did not find any firearms. We did however take a couple pocket knives from three people," he paused to look around the room, "By order of the mayor the crowd was ordered to disperse or face possible arrest under city ordinance RCN 28.03.155 for gathering without a permit. Of twenty-eight protestors searched, fourteen refused to vacate the area and were subsequently arrested and taken to jail. We will have a beefed up presence on site through Friday mid-day and I can assure you no permits for gathering will be forthcoming from the city and we will not hesitate to arrest or detain anyone near this property that does not belong. Any questions?"

The room was silent, what was there to ask? Were these idiots going to get real jail time? We could only hope. Blake stepped forward, "Thank you Captain Bartell for the reassurance and the efforts of the Vegas Police Department tonight."

You might expect there would be applause or something after Blake finished speaking, but the room remained silent. Captain Bartell acknowledge Blake, shook his hand, and exited the room. I think the room was pretty much spent - the buildup to the show, the crazy fire alarm, and the protestors out front - in my opinion it was time to pull the plug for the night. The question on everyone's mind was likely - What happens next?

As if on cue Blake began speaking, "Here's where we're at with the show. We have ushered those from the audience still onsite back into the theater - a few open bars being set up in the foyer certainly helped to keep people around and we might have picked up some who didn't have tickets to the show but were in the hotel. Doesn't matter, we've got an enthused audience - I can assure you of that. But, I'm not going to lie, we're at half the capacity we had before things went south tonight - the energy is not going to be same - but there are at least three-hundred people in the theater wanting to see tonight's show to its conclusion. We can run the last four contestants through tonight, get the finale contestants set, have the after party, and call it a night. Or we throw the last four into the front of tomorrows show - set the finale then, perform the finale, crown a champion, and call it a wrap for our week of Transgender Visibility. Karen and I have discussed this and we feel the ultimate decision is yours to make..."

Great! Fucking great! While those who had performed already are likely going to want this night set in stone, we - the final four contestants get the shit end of the stick by having to perform after all this drama. And to a lesser crowd, no less... Yes, nerves were raw - mine especially, but we were going to be at a disadvantage performing tonight instead of waiting for tomorrow night's sold out show. Does the band get a choice? Are they ready to perform? I wanted this night to be over. I wanted to see my mom, my friends, and maybe even meet up with Tyler...

Jenna spoke first, "I'd like the finale set tonight, but I've already performed. I think those who haven't performed need to decide what we do with the show..." A few of the other contestants agreed with her and stated so. What came next was silence and stares at the people in my group and myself.

"Okay, team... Sounds like it's up to us - let's discuss...," Wyatt said to Michelle, Janet, and myself. We walked toward a wall away from the larger group of contestants, while a number of the theater staff had words with Karen and exited with the band in tow.

When we were alone, Michelle spoke first, "This is fucked up... But, I'd like to be done tonight. That's my vote..."

Really? Not what I wanted to hear...

Wyatt nodded and looked at Janet, "I'm for being done...," she said.

All eyes turned toward me... Damn it! "You know we're at a disadvantage...," I said, trying not to sound like I was complaining.

"Yeah, well, I'm for getting this over with... Come on Brea, let's just let it roll and have some fun with it...," Wyatt encouraged.

Augh... I, I don't think I want to do this tonight! Wyatt cocked his head and gave me a smirk - "Fine...," I said after a few seconds. I probably wasn't going to make the finale anyway... Fuck it! Whatever!

Wednesday, March 28th 10:04PM
While the crowd might have been smaller, their enthusiasm in support of us had been ratcheted up a few notches - the free alcohol the show had provided the likely cause? Maybe... When Leza Howell went on stage to begin getting the crowd back into show mode it took a full minute before they calmed down enough for her to introduce Michelle. When Michelle approached the microphone you'd swear the volume of the crowd was even more enthusiastic - like she'd already performed and they were showing their appreciation. I couldn't believe the support, this was crazy, insane!!

At the microphone Michelle said, "Let's do this...," and turned towards the band and pointed. They punched into her song like I hadn't heard any other song performed tonight. Two lines into the song and I could tell she was on fire, she owned that song... The break, the rejuvenated audience, and her performance - she would be in the finale, no doubt about it.

The applause when Michelle was done can be summed up with one word - deafening. Absolutely deafening. So much so, that when Leza Howell tried to settle the crowd to introduce me, she had to wait at least a minute. I got chills from the energy... Okay, use that! You got this... Breathe...

"Ladies and gentlemen - Breanna Calloway...," Leza said while extending an arm in my direction. I felt that familiar jolt of nervous energy, took a final controlled breath, and made my way on stage.

The stage crew had swapped out microphones for my condenser styled model - I wanted the vibe from the 40's, even with my 90's Britney garb - like flipping the pop song on its ear and slowing it down to something from days past. When I walked on stage the crowd again went crazy and after fifteen, twenty seconds I looked back at Brian on piano, flashing him two by two - meaning to start playing, but double up the intro... Hopefully the audience will be calmed down enough for me to begin singing.

Breathe... I turned to the mic-stand and grabbed it seductively as the notes began ringing out from the piano and the audience settled down for me to begin singing... Breathe...

Wednesday, March 28th 10:26PM
"Don't you know that you're toxic? Intoxicate me now... With your lovin' now... I think I'm ready now... I think I'm ready now... Intoxicate me now... With your lovin' now... I think I'm ready now..." My voice faded with those last few lyrics and Brian rolled one more haunting trip through the melody and let it fade... That fade didn't last to completion, because the audience in the theater lost their minds! The roar of applause and cheers were insane, absolutely insane! Their response was no less than intoxicating - fitting for the song I just finished singing. I leaned into the mic and said, "Thank you..." I'm certain no one heard me. I exited stage left...

Wyatt was the first person I saw backstage and he was grinning ear to ear, "I think you killed it kiddo...," he shouted over the applause still going on - while Leza Howell was trying to cue up Wyatt's introduction.

I couldn't wipe the smile from my face no matter how hard I tried, "I just warmed them up for you...," I kissed his cheek - careful not to leave any of the caked on red lipstick I was wearing behind.

"Congrats...," he squeezed my hands as his name was being announced by Leza Howell.

"Give 'um hell...," I said smiling and saw my guide back to the 'green' room nod at me to follow him. As we walked the backstage maze the crowd was going crazy behind us, then blew up as the first bars of 'Hotel California' floated through the theater full of energy, powerfully from the band. Wyatt could sing that song with made up words and they would still eat up his performance. Holy shit - what a rush!

Wednesday, March 28th 10:35PM
Once in the 'green' room I got plenty of compliments and one playful jab from Jenna. She said, "Well that was a mistake - letting your group decide whether to perform tonight..." She was all smiles and the hug she gave me was genuine. She whispered in my ear, "Congrats..., That was the winning song..." It gave me goose bumps and I thanked her twice for the love.

My moment was cut short, because Wyatt's performance was nothing short of amazing. His voice like silky country love'n, the band played better than any other song played tonight, he had silenced the 'green' room... I wouldn't be surprised if someone in the crowd wasn't brought to tears. That's how powerful his performance was...

"Oh, shit...," Dana said.

At first I was confused, but then saw it - a single light shinning in the audience, then another, and ten more... Then nearly half the audience had their flashlights on their phones going, raised high, swaying to the music... That, that was "the moment" of this entire show. This guy had just blown every other contestant out of the water - including me.

Wednesday, March 28th 10:48PM
When Wyatt entered the ‘green’ room after his performance he was literally mobbed. Compliments and congratulatory words flowed earnestly – someone, Katie I think, said he probably just won it all with his performance. I think he was trying to play it cool, but what he just experienced on stage I believe moved him. He probably was dreading going back to Nashville after that audience approval of his singing abilities… I was so happy for him. Totally deserving of the all the praise he was getting.

When he finally got a chance to speak a full sentence he said, “Did you hear the audience? That was insanely crazy…” Leza Howell showed up a few seconds after he made that statement and he repeated it when she asked him what he thought about his performance – a PBS camera in his face, another panning around to capture the reaction of the rest of us, and two microphone booms trying to capture every word.

Everyone was so intent on interacting with Wyatt that no one caught the beginning of Janet’s performance. By the time Leza Howell left the ‘green’ room everyone had calmed down enough to focus on Janet – who was really putting on a show with her wireless mic and using every inch of the stage to strut her stuff while performing the Shania Twain song ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman’. During the guitar solo she was all over the guitarist, Gary, and that brought on roars from the audience and a few, “Wow…” comments from those watching backstage. She certainly knew how to work the audience and she knew how to work her body… Vocally she wasn’t as impressive as Michelle, but she had chops. Her song choice might have played a bit to the audience – calculated? Probably… I smiled to myself – good for her!

Making the finale, which would be just six of the twelve of us, was going to be tough. My honest assessment of the rankings, including Janet performing right now – I was probably on the bubble for making the cut. I would not want to be one of the judges. I was happy with my performance, though I wondered if maybe I should have worked my body a little more – used the stage, rather than hanging out at the microphone the entire performance. Hell, too late now to beat myself up with what-ifs. I think it is going to be too close to call because everyone was honestly so good…

Wednesday, March 28th 11:01 PM
We were called on stage as a group by Leza Howell and it was pure insanity the way the audience was reacting. Most of us clapped back or waved, a few of the contestants pointed at those they knew, blowing kisses, and such. I tried to scan the rows I could make out for my mom, Bill, Charles, and Kaley – but the bright lights flooding the stage made it tough to see past the first ten rows in the theater. There was balcony seating in the rear, but there was no way I could make out faces this far away. I hoped they were here and got caught up in the energy.

“Thank you! Thanks…,” Leza Howell waved at someone in the audience, “How about a round of applause for the band tonight,” she encouraged the crowd, while waving the band forward to take center stage. The applause was loud and appreciative, lasting a good thirty seconds before she could continue.

“Amazing job tonight, I really enjoyed the song choices and arrangements,” she said clapping as the audience settled down and the band retreated to their instruments at the rear of the stage. “We want you all to join us in the Cayman Lagoon banquet room right after we announce the finalists for tomorrow night’s finale. Just follow the signs outside the theater, we hope to see you all there.”

There was a brief round of applause she milked before continuing, “You’ll get to meet our amazing singers…,” the audience began clapping and cheering, “Yes…,” she waved a hand toward the twelve of us standing awkwardly on stage – everyone’s nerves were on edge wanting this portion of the show to be over with, “And there will be food and drink, so please join us…”

More applause rose loudly after the invite and I wondered how they could possibly be so loud and want to clap so vigorously. I shifted slightly and bumped Wyatt, who looked at me smiling and mouthed, ‘This is nuts…’ I nodded, ‘Yes’ in return with a nervous smile. Come on! Get on with this…

“Okay… Thank you! You are amazing! You are valid! And we are not going to be ignored or erased by anyone!” The audience went bat shit crazy, cheering, whistling, clapping – this was a gathering for the Transgender Day of Visibility and a mainstream casino like the Grand Cayman validating us, celebrating us, was huge! Leza Howell was really working the crowd, pumping up the audience like I hadn’t seen before at any of the LGBTQ events I’d ever attended. I could only imagine what tomorrow night’s sold out show would be like.

“So… Thank you… Yes… Alright,” the audience settled down after a few seconds, “Our five judges have crunched the numbers on the performances… And without drawing this out further, here are your finalists, in no particular order…,” a lite drum roll began behind us and I’m not sure how it started, but a few of use began holding hands and after a moment we were all holding hands with one another. “When I call your name, please step forward…”

I was hoping this wasn’t some American Idol thing where the people stepping forward formed one group and those behind were another. Then it was announced which group it was the ‘End of the Line’ for… If this was how they were going to do this I just wanted to be in Wyatt’s group – he was certainly in the finale. I could feel my stomach rolling, my chest tightening… Wait, she said she was announcing the finalist?

“Our first finalist, Michelle Barlow…”

Michelle brought her hands to her face, turned to hug me, then reached out to squeeze the hand of Wyatt, Janet, and a few others as the audience exploded again with their applause. She walked to center stage and clapped back at the rowdy crowd. I was so happy for her, she deserved to be in the finale…

When the applause died down Leza Howell continued, “Dana Warnick…” Again, the audience went nuts. He joined Michelle, they hugged, then clapped and waved to the audience. I wasn’t surprised Dana made it, he did as well as Michelle – not as good as Wyatt though… All I knew for certain is – they had better call Wyatt’s name, or something was really fucked up in the judge’s ability to recognize a talented…

“Wyatt Stiller…”

Yes! OMG! Wyatt and I hugged quickly, he kissed my cheek. “Congratulations Wyatt!” I tried yelling above the audience’s roar. He smiled and squeezed my hands and I think he said, “Thanks…,” just before he turned to join Michelle and Dana center stage. OMG! Way to go Wyatt! My heart was soaring as I watched him join the others center stage. OK, my faith in this competition has been validated… The judge’s choices so far were spot on.

Leza Howell flipped a note card over, looked back towards those waiting to hear who was next, “Carlie Brooks…” True to form – another rowdy cacophony of audience approval filled the theater. Carlie joined the group center stage, waving, and clapping back at the audience. She was likely the oldest of all the contestants – maybe in her early forties. Her vocal abilities were worthy of her making the finale, she took what she was doing very serious. That seriousness made her a pretty quiet person around the group and short of a couple standard greetings between us, I really hadn’t talked to her much. I liked that she was in the finale, she had a shot at winning if Wyatt stumbled at all.

With just two spots remaining it could be a toss-up between four of the eight of us waiting to hear our names. I wanted to make it, but not making it wasn’t going to crush me. Yeah, I would be disappointed if I…

“Breanna Calloway…”

It took a second for it to register, to really comprehend that my name had just been called. Janet pulled me to her and hugged me. I instinctively hugged her back not sure what I was doing. I could see the group of finalists’ at middle stage were clapping and waving at me to join them. I blindly walked towards them, still in shocked and wondering how I was going to handle this... That thought didn’t last but a moment, as Wyatt hugged me - lifting me off the stage. The other finalist tried congratulating me over the roar of the audience - my ears were numb. I tried to smile, but it took a second for it to all sink in – it did pretty fast and you couldn’t blast that smile from my face even if you tried.

I did as those announced before me had done, applauded the audience and waved. So many emotions were bombarding me… It was a rush, like nothing I had experienced performing before. To the core of my soul I was thankful to my mom and my friends. I hoped they knew how much I loved them. I hoped I was waving in their general direction. I couldn’t wait to see them! OMG! I’m in the finale! YES!

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Wednesday, March 28th 11:33 PM
We were hurried off stage after a rousing final chorus of applause from the audience. Leza Howell continued to work the crowd and encouraged them to attend the after show as we headed back toward the 'green' room. Once there we were given a chance to go grab any personal items we might want - Amen! I grabbed my cellphone and wristlet clutch.

When I checked my phone I had messages from Bill, Kaley and of course mom. I read hers first. Most were her wondering if I was okay and after not replying she must have figured I didn't have my phone on me and I was safe. Her next to last text encouraged me to do well when it was my turn to perform. Her last message had been sent about the time I finished performing and said, 'I am so proud of you honey! You were perfect tonight! I love you so much and can't wait to see you... Love you!' The lump in my throat hung heavy and had it not been for Michelle saying we needed to get going - I probably would have lost it right there... As we made our way to the banquet room I scanned the other messages - pretty much the same as mom's 'Are you OK?', 'You were amazing!', and 'That was masterful...' from Bill.

Someone laughing pulled me from being so focused on the text messages on my phone. The mood amongst those gathered in mass outside of the banquet room seemed pretty good between those who made the finale and those who didn't. Everyone was being super supportive, laughing, complimenting one another, and it all felt genuine - that was a huge relief. We didn't need any catty crap to dampen spirits before jumping into this 'Meet and Greet'.

The finale would end up being the two guys, Dana and Wyatt, competing against Michelle, Carlie, Lisa - the last contestant to make it after I was announced. I barely remember her being announced while on stage and felt a little bad about that - I made sure to congratulate her before we left the stage area to come interact with our newfound fans.

I thought about what tomorrow was going to entail and the truth of the matter was I would have my work cut out for me... Unless any of the other five contestants flubbed up big - AND - I nailed perfect tens from the judges on my last song - pretty much my chances were slim to long shot, for winning this thing. Didn't mean I wasn't going to try and kick ass tomorrow night, but I was already preparing myself for the reality of the situation - these finalists were immensely talented.

"Alright, let's go...," one of the stagehands said opening the door to the banquet room.

As we entered those gathered began clapping, a few were cheering for their favorites from the show. It was humbling to say the least and a shock to see so many people... The PBS cameras were inside the doors to capture our reactions, boom microphones not likely to capture much said between us due to the boisterous and very loud greeting we'd just received. As we made our way through the crowd, people reached out to touch us, making quick comments like, "I really loved your performance..." and "You're such an amazing singer..." and of course more than a few of us got the "You are so hot..." or "OMG! You are beautiful..." comments.

I smiled a lot, tried to shake people's hands rather than allow them to just put their hands on me randomly, and even hugged a few kids who couldn't have been more than twelve or thirteen and espoused their love for me as their favorite singer. Others from the show were doing much the same - thanking people for the support, pressing flesh, and smiling a lot. I don't think anyone thought it would be like this... When we finally made it to a long table set up for us, to base our meeting the gathered audience, there was already a huge line of people waiting to get their couple seconds with each of us. How insane is that?! I wondered why didn't they set this damn table up by were we entered the banquet room?! Be polite... Smile... Breathe...

Wednesday, March 28th 11:46 PM
A crowd of people hadn't gotten the memo that there was a line the sponsors of the show wanted people to get in for a chance to meet the contestants. The stage staff did their best to impart that message without pissing anyone off - it worked out, but I'm sure the audience was as confused as we were to why they decided to run this part of the show like this. Probably would have been much easier to just let us mingle throughout the banquet room. Maybe they didn't want anyone sneaking out early? Wyatt pointed out the reason was likely the PBS camera crews. He got a couple head nods in agreement. They wanted to keep us contained for their filming... That explains a lot.

As soon as he finished saying that I heard my name called and snapped my head towards the end of the table, away from the beginning of the line of those waiting to meet us. I pushed my chair out and rushed to the end of the table... I didn't make it to my mom before I was sobbing...

"Hey, hey now... It's okay...," she said while hugging me, pushing me away while holding my shoulders, "I am so proud of you..."

I lost it even more after she said that and through convulsed waves of sobs I tried to hug her even tighter... Bill was patting me on the shoulders reassuring me and when I looked up I could see Charles wiping a tear from his eye. Kaley held back a couple seconds to let mom and I have that moment, then jumped in and hugged both mom and I... I'm sure it would look as heartfelt as it was to me on film - because right there to catch it all was a PBS camera, a small crowd of people trying to figure out if they wanted to get in the long line, and the other contestants sitting there. At this moment - I could care less what anyone thought about it...

"Brea...," someone said behind me, "Gotta get this going, I'm really sorry..."

Mike, the stage manager, looked like he was in pain after asking me to wrap this reunion up. I understood, but it didn't make it easier to let mom go. She assured me she would be right there, pointing to a spot close to where I would be sitting. I smiled and she wiped the last of my tears away, "Go, people are anxious to meet you..."

I hugged and kissed her, hugged both Bill and Charles, and squeezed Kaley's hands before rejoining the other contestants... OMG! What a roller coaster this night had been!

Thursday, March 28th 12:59 AM
We could all see the end of the line of people wanting to meet us and was that ever a relief! I had signed no less than thirty programs from the show, sixteen t-shirts sold with the logo for the Grand Cayman hotel and the Transgender Day of Visibility event (I needed to get one of those), and two forearms - which was kind of weird. Pretty sure I wasn't the only one to get propositioned, though the presence of the PBS cameras probably kept that to a minimum. My mom would have interjected if someone got stupid with me and she would have had no problem chasing them off. Luckily that didn't happen!

The most common question I was asked, "How did you come up with that arrangement?" I answered the same every time, "I didn't, Bill Carter did - he's right there," I pointed towards Bill behind the asker. He got to talk with a few of those from the line also - I think he enjoyed the attention - until he left to check on Charles in the casino around 11:30 PM. The other most asked questions dealt with how long I had been singing and had I considered performing professionally. The answers were "Since I was eight, for church..." and "No, I'm not good enough for that..." That last answer got me more than a fair amount of complaints, but it's how I felt. I was happy swimming in my little fish bowl that was the San Diego amateur club scene and these people need to realize I sing for fun, not a career or to make money.

When the last couple people had gone through the line of contestants - I was so done. I had maintained my 'thankful for your support' composure - though it was a struggle to continue doing that after the first hour. I had gotten a few questioning looks from my mom when I didn't sound accommodating or answered a question hastily. I know she was expecting me to be gracious, since these people had waited patiently for a couple seconds of my time, it wasn't easy. I most enjoyed speaking to the kids and there were no less than a dozen that were Transgender who had seen the show. I complimented their parents for supporting their children - which made my mom smile every time.

Of course how any of us were portrayed would come to light in the PBS filming of our interactions with the crowd and how they edited it. How many times on American Idol or Survivor or whatever reality show did they sway the audiences opinion of someone through editing? Augh, I think I was safe though - at least I hoped so...

"Thank you everyone," Karen Cole said to the maybe forty people who remained in the banquet room milling around, "We look forward to seeing you tomorrow night for the finale, Thank you... Have a wonderful rest of your evening."

There was weak applause in reply to her closing of this portion of the show and half the crowd headed towards the exit slowly, as the other half met up with their supported contestant. Mom and Kaley congratulated me for holding it together. "I couldn't have done that," Kaley said. Mom looked at her a moment and assured her she could have.

I told them I was going to go change and then we were going to get our dance on. Mom declined saying she would come by at 9:00 AM to get me for breakfast and told me not to stay out too late. We hugged, and Kaley and I watched her leave. Kaley said she'd meet me in the lobby and to hurry up, because if Bill found out I was going to the club instead of bed - he would be PISSED! Augh... She was right! Sneak out of here quickly! I saw Dana heading toward the entrance we'd come in, gave Kaley a quick hug, and hurried across the banquet room to catch up to him.

"Hey Brea...," he said when I caught up to him in the hallway just outside the banquet room.

"Hi..."

"You were awesome tonight and until Wyatt sang I had you down as the one to beat..."

"Oh, I... Thank you. Wyatt certainly killed it, but so did you," I protested, "Pretty sure it was Wyatt, then a tossup between you and Michelle," I said smiling.

"Yeah, well I don't know about that kiddo...," he said holding the backstage entrance door open for me.

I entered with him right behind me, "You going to the club? There's supposed to be a couple tables there for us...," I asked - though it wasn't the question I really wanted to ask.

"Nah... Think I'm going to call it a night..."

Why couldn't you have said 'Yes, I'm going to find Tyler and meet you there...' Augh! "I didn't see Tyler, was he at the show," and there was my ask. I held my breath, literally, waiting for him to answer as we reached the door to my dressing room.

"Think he's with Jennifer... He sent me a text after the fire alarm and since I'd already performed he said he'd see me in the morning," he replied not reading anything more into my ask than maybe me being curious about him and his brother going to the club.

Of course the next question should be, 'Who's Jennifer?', but I didn't want to tip my hand. "Does he know about everyone meeting in the club tonight?" Oh, you are sly, sly, sly! - I thought as soon as I asked.

"Jen doesn't dance," he chuckled, "More likely they're off trying to find some twenty-four hour chapel to get married in," he said laughing, "They're not the brightest couple, so maybe their getting matching tattoos...," he laughed a little harder at his comment.

Wha? What?! Married?! Had I missed something? "Are they engaged," I asked quickly, hoping it sounded like an innocent question as my skin got very cool all of a sudden.

"God... I wish they weren't, but them's the breaks. They've been on and off for the past six months. Got engaged last year around Christmas. I'm pretty sure her dad wasn't happy about that... She's nice, but a bit scattered..."

I was hearing everything he was saying, but felt like I had just been punched in the gut. I moved my hand absently to the doorknob of my dressing room and pushed it. When it didn't open I turned the knob, then pushed the door open, "Well, we're going to miss you at the club...," and I entered the room not looking back. I didn't care how I sounded at this point or if he had even the slightest hint that his fucking brother being engaged just ruined my fucking night and he was a God damn cheating sack of shit...

Thursday, March 29th 1:32 AM
My phone vibrated and I turned it over, looking at it through blurry, tear filled eyes. It was a text from Kaley, 'Hey, I'm out... Not feeling good. Cheese from the banquet room? You good?' I stared at the text wondering what to reply. I'd already thrown up and was feeling queasy still, but it had nothing to do with the food at the 'Meet and Greet' - though I didn't have any of the cheese, just some chips. I could use someone to talk with and considered asking if I could come to her room, but passed.

I typed, 'OK, won't be the same without you...' I added a frowning emjoi and hit send. She replied back quickly, 'Talk to you later. Have fun, stay safe. Love ya!' I replied that I loved her too and set my phone down. I was alone again, alone with my doubts, alone with the thoughts of last night with Tyler. The tears started to flow again and that sick sour churning began again in my stomach. You mother-fucker! You fucking asshole, piece of fucking shit... Breathe...

What happens in Vegas is going to blow the fuck up in your face if I see you! God damn you!! How do you do that shit to me when you're fucking engaged?! How do you reason that it's 'Okay' to fucking toy with me like that, to use me?! I felt like puking again, but it would be dry-heaves at this point... Fuck you Tyler! Fuck you, you fucking loser!! The needle had moved slightly from hurt to a mix of hurt and flaming angry pissed off bitch... I prayed I ran into him and 'Jennifer' before I left Vegas... Fucker!

Thursday, March 29th 1:58 AM
I'd had enough wallowing alone in the dressing room, so quickly finished changing. I wanted to beat the shit out of Tyler, but that would probably have to wait. I needed to get out of here or I was going to sink deep into a dark place and there'd be little hope of climbing out. Yeah for self-mental-mutilation! The plan, as I exited the dressing room, was to get a long shower, and crash hard in my...

"Hey Brea..."

FUCK! I literally jumped and spun around to see Wyatt coming my way. "Hey... You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing back here," I asked.

"Oh... Sorry about that. I was changing," he replied confused, like he was questioning his answer. He looked me over like something was up, "You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired...," I replied, hoping he'd go his way and I'd go...

"Ah, you sure about that? I know a little bit about make-up and...," he said that while moving his hand in front of his face, "You sure you're okay?"

Of course he knew about makeup, at some point before transitioning he probably did the makeup thing daily. Augh... I did not want to get into this with him, "Tired and stressed, I'm good..." As soon as I said that I could feel the tears forming, the shallow breaths, strained control of my voice, all that coming on too quickly... Shit!

"Whoa... Hey, hey now...," he said reaching out to put a hand on my shoulder, then just gave in and hugged me. I couldn't help but lose it fully right there in his arms. "Let it go Brea...," he encouraged patting my back softly as I just stood there sobbing quietly.

After a minute I'd gained a little composure and he let the hug pass, moving his hands to my hips, "I'm sorry...," I croaked trying to get control of the my spiraling emotions.

"No worries... Is there anything I can do? Who can I kill for you," he asked with a little chuckle, trying to get me past whatever was bothering me by joking about taking out my antagonist.

I smiled half-heartedly, "If it was only that easy..."

"Could be...," he said raising an eyebrow, "Well, maybe not... But there's plenty we could do to mess someone up...," he said smiling.

"Thanks, Wyatt...," I replied as he stared at me intently - as if he was contemplating something... It was an awkward moment for someone I felt comfortable around - even though I barely knew him. I wished I could read minds...

He let my hips go and took a step back, "You know what you need?"

I looked at him confused, "What?" I tried smiling, but it didn't stick.

"A drink and some dancing! What do you say? You're already dressed for clubbing. Let's go throw back a couple and get loose on the dance floor. Come on!" I shook my head 'No', but he pressed, "Look, want to feel better, lift your spirits? Drink some spirits and let that body go on the dance floor... Trust me, I'm not a doctor, but I could play one on TV..."

I couldn't help but laugh. I had planned on going back to my room and crash, but the thought of being alone with my doubts and beating myself up until I finally fell asleep wasn't very appealing. No matter how much I told myself that wasn't the way the rest of this evening was going to go - it was how it was going to go. Maybe I did need to let loose, get a different prospective, blow off some steam, and not think for once... I looked at him, he tilted his head, "Mmmmhum, you know you wanna go dancing..."

"Fine... Let's go...," I said with a bit of resolve, though not much confidence, "I could really use a drink..."

"You wanna touch up that perdy face first...," he said smiling.

"Yeah, I probably should..."

Thursday, March 29th 2:16 AM
We were ushered right in after checking in with the clubs gatekeeper. At the table reserved for us was Michelle, Lisa, Janet, and a few other contestants with either fans from the show or their significant others. It was impossible to hear anything over the thumping bass and music playing, so our introductions were basically a wave and lips moving - my trying to lip read was in vain. When the cocktail waitress came over I had to speak in her ear to get my order for a rum and Coke. Wyatt did the same with her and I wondered what he ordered, because she was talking a lot in his ear for just a drink order.

When she left, he leaned over and grabbed my hand, "Dance with me!"

I shook my head 'No', but got pulled to my feet and followed him to the dance floor. I wasn't fighting the invite very hard, especially with a club mix of the Bruno Mars 'Uptown Funk' playing, and truth was I liked dancing. Never did much when I was younger or in public, but did plenty of it around my apartment - mostly when cleaning.

We made our way to the center of the packed dance floor and I just went for it. Wyatt did the same and who'd have guessed that he was a very good dancer - given his country persona. He had rhythm and certainly knew how to move his body! A few times he took my hands and spun me around - I laughed a lot and so did he. We sang to each other parts of the song we knew, 'I'm too hot... Call the police and the fireman... I'm too hot... Make a dragon wanna retire, man I'm too hot... Bitch, say my name you know who I am...' and it was so much fun - but probably good people couldn't hear us!

I certainly wasn't exactly dressed for clubbing - though Wyatt had said I was, but I probably looked cute enough in white jeans, a loose fitting black silk blouse, my hair in a ponytail, and a pair of flats. Fuck it! I didn't care what people thought about me right now! I hadn't even had a drink yet and would happily give the world a big dose of my middle-finger if they didn't like what they saw! My makeup probably wasn't on point, but I really didn't give a shit... 'Don't believe me just watch...' I sang while raising my hands above my head, shaking my ass, and moving my feet in no particular direction. Nothing should matter right now - I was enjoying myself - so stay the fuck away from me if your intentions were to bring me down!

Thursday, March 29th 2:33 AM
We danced to a second song I really didn't know and half-way through it Wyatt took my hand and we headed back toward our table. Our drinks were there and I took a quick sip - Augh... It was mostly rum with a splash of Coke for color. My stomach protested, but not too much - I really should have ordered something to eat. Wyatt had some kind of mixed drink also and two shot glasses - he slid one in front of me yelling something like, "It'll remove hair from unwanted areas...," or something to that effect, I think.

How do you not crack up after hearing that? I did and hoped I was laughing at something funny - he was laughing. Of course I was the only one laughing with him, because there was no way anyone else could have heard that sitting around the table with the music booming. I looked at him and mouthed 'What is this?'

He yelled, "To-kill-ya..."

Tequila... Yikes! I'd had a few experiences with 'To-kill-ya', but feeling the way I did about how this day had gone I picked up the shot glass, raised it - he raised his, we clinked shots together, and downed them - pounding the shot glasses on the table when done. That got us a couple looks and a few claps from those gathered at the table. The liquid didn't burn going down, so he must have ordered some kind of top-shelf brand - it was certainly smooth. I could feel it warming my insides going down. I just hope I can keep it down...

Our cocktail waitress walked by and Wyatt held up two fingers while pointing to the two empty shot glasses. She got the message and looked around the table for any other orders. Michelle pointed to her glass of wine, while both Janet and Lisa nodded 'No'. The song 'Sucker', the club mix by the Jonas Brother's began playing and Wyatt was on his feet pointing to Michelle, Janet, and Lisa. They weren't interested, but I stood, took his hand, and pulled him towards the dance floor. I wanted to get lost in dance, lose any thoughts of that fuck Tyler.

Deep into the song Wyatt must have thought it was time to bust out his best dance moves, spinning twice like he'd had some dance training in his past and moving his hips with purpose. He was on fire and thoroughly enjoying himself. How fucking fun! I had a 'perma' grin on my face just watching him and did my best to keep up - though I didn't have much in the moves department that could compete. At one point he had his hands on my hips and he was grinding on me from behind pretty good. It was no different than any number of the other couples dancing around us and I'm sure it looked pretty sexual. I certainly wasn't holding back and neither was he. We didn't care and it certainly showed...

Not thirty seconds later I was cracking up after a failed attempt to spin me had us nearly bonking our heads together. What saved that from happening was me pulling myself to his left, which resulted in me nearly knocking us both over. What a klutz I was! We got a few looks from those dancing around us - still didn't care. I think Wyatt yelled, "She's drunk!" at one couple. I shook my head 'No' at them and shouted, "He's drunk!" We ended up laughing and continuing to dance, moving away from those sticks-in-the-mud couples to continue getting jiggy-with-it. When the song ended and the next one began, another song I wasn't familiar with, he put his hands on my shoulder, leaned in and pretty much yelled, "You good for another one?"

I leaned in close, "I need something to drink..."

We returned to the table and waiting for us were two shots. I didn't like my mixed drink - the harsh well rum with a splash of Coke just didn't taste good. When Wyatt slid the shot glass towards me I smiled and we repeated our previous routine, slamming the shot glasses on the table when done. We got the same applause from those around the table. The music in this place was thumping, but the inability to hold even the slightest conversation with anyone was kind of annoying. Everyone did a lot of looking around, shrugging, and smiling - because unless you were speaking into someone's ear, there was no way they could hear you.

Case in point - the cocktail waitress. I asked for water, three times, before she understood. And I felt like I was yelling. I hated that and hoped I didn't come off bitchy. Wyatt ordered a couple more shots - I gave him a look. I wasn't going to get stinking loopy on tequila. I had nothing in my stomach and with just the two shots in me - I wasn't feeling any pain right now. The next shot would be the last alcohol for the night for me...

'Sweet but Psycho' by Ava Max began playing and this time I was up, pointing at those gathered to come out to the dance floor. No one moved... Thank God for Wyatt and him not letting me hang there! He guided me to the dance floor while holding my hips and we began dancing like we didn't have a care in the world. We did some more grinding, he spun me a few times - without throwing me off balance, and we laughed and laughed. It was crazy fun!

When the next song began to play, I recognized it, but the mix was way too techno. I slowed my dancing and looked at Wyatt, who had no clue what this song was. I was well into feeling the effects of those shots now and was feeling more relaxed than expected. I leaned in close to him, "I don't like the mix of this song..." He looked at me confused, I shrugged, and before I could shake my head 'No' he pulled me to him and kissed me. It was a full on lips, tongue, and hungry for more kind of kiss... I pulled away after a couple seconds, shocked, looking at him with a questioning look.

I looked around and no one was really even paying any attention to us. What the heck?! He looked flustered, then embarrassed, and said something I couldn't hear, but I did pick up the word 'Sorry' in reading his lips. The look he had on his face was the same from backstage before he kissed me - had he considered kissing me then? My heart sank, I liked Wyatt, but not like that, like this... I had had enough guy problems to last well past the rest of this trip - I instantly wondered if I had given him the wrong message.

When he didn't move, I took his hands and lead him towards the back of the club - I could see where the bathrooms were and hoped it would be quieter there so we could talk. We walked into the hall leading to the bathrooms and outside of the woman's bathroom door I tried to soften my rejection of his advance a few moments ago, "Wyatt... I really like you, but not...," I paused as two women went in the restroom - giving us a look as they did, "Just not in that way. I'm really, really sorry... I hope I didn't give you the wrong signals or something. You are absolutely wonderful and any girl would be lucky to have you. I'm just... I'm a fucking mess right now and wouldn't wish my shit on anyone..." I know I was speaking loudly still, but with the volume of the music in the background I still had too nearly shout every word.

Wyatt took a second before replying, "I'm sorry Brea, I just... I thought there was something going on between us. Totally on me and I apologize..."

I took his hands and smiled, "No, no... No apologizes. Please... Can we not make this awkward or anything? Like we were before..."

"I can try, but it would be a lie to say you haven't hooked me a bit...," he replied smiling.

"Oh Wyatt... Throw me back, I'm not a keeper right now. I promise you that..."

"Yeah, I doubt that Brea..."

I had plenty of Instagram and Tumblr friends who were Trans and basically had switched genders with their significant other. All were happy, healthy, and totally committed. I wanted happy, healthy and committed also, but had never really thought about getting into a relationship with someone who wasn't a CIS male. Not that Wyatt wasn't male enough, but I hadn't really thought about being with someone who had also transitioned. AUGH! Did it matter that he was Trans? Of course not! What did matter was I just wasn't attracted to him. Leza Howell's question about being attracted to women, Trans or CIS women, came to mind. Again, not something I had given a lot of thought too... I was firmly in the she/her pronoun camp and very much attracted to CIS men... God, why did you have to kiss me Wyatt?!

We hugged briefly, not uncomfortably or anything super awkward - so that was good! He took my hands and kissed them, then turned to lead us back to our table. When we approached we both put on smiles, while the others were either yelling to be heard in their conversations or just smiled back at us. There were two shot glasses at Wyatt's seat and without hesitation he picked them both up, handed me one, and we repeated our earlier clinking of shot glasses and the slam of them back to the table when empty. We hugged, this time it was nearly as nice as our pre-kiss hug. Would he feel differently later today? Would I? God, I need to get out of here...

We sat and watched the others around the table for maybe five minutes. When Wyatt put a hand on my leg - I took that as my queue to wrap this evening up. I thanked him for the shots, tried to pull out some money - he told me to put it away. Of course all of that was really both of us yelling at each other so we could be heard. I waved to everyone around the table saying 'Good night' - which those good at reading lips caught. And that was it, I'm out of here I thought, and headed for the exit. I sure hoped Wyatt and I were cool, he really was a nice guy...

Maybe I should reconsider following in my Trans sisters footsteps and give him a chance? Then I thought about him being from Nashville and that pretty much sealed it - don't start something you can't finish...

Thursday, March 29th 3:03 AM
As soon as I exited the club I huffed a heavy sigh of relief. My ears were ringing and the silence outside of the club was maddening. As I turned towards the lobby I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned to see who'd followed me out - I was praying it wasn't Wyatt, I couldn't take rejecting him further tonight. I also hoped it wasn't Tyler, because as loose as I was feeling - confrontation with me wouldn't end well for him. "Mr. Schultz...," I said smiling.

"Miss Calloway...," he replied.

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 3:04 AM
"You must live here," I commented trying to maintain my composure because those 'To-kill-ya' shots were now making me feel a little fuzzy.

"Feels like that sometimes, but I split my day most times. A lot of it depends on what we've got going on around here, like your competition requires a bit more time onsite, so I didn't skip out today. The GM is pretty good about letting us take banked time and get free of this place," he thought about his statement and added, "It's a really good property to work at, so I'm not complaining or anything..."

I was trying really hard to stay focused and between complaining, splits, competition, and banks I wasn't sure what I wanted to comment on so punted, "I'm going to my room..."

"Oh... I'm about to get something to eat before the kitchen closes," he said nodding back over his shoulder.

I took that to mean the kitchen for the club. Did he tell me the main kitchens in this place never shut down? Wasn't that something he said on his 'Dime' tour? I began giggling, "I've got a dime..."

Blake looked totally confused, "A dime? What are you talking about Brea?"

The tour silly... Your 'Dime' tour. Did you forget already? I didn't just say that, right? Wait... Are you inviting me to get something to eat?

"You okay? You have a couple drinks tonight," he asked.

Be cool... Just say you did and move along, "Maybe...," I said all cutesy, so the answer was clear. Where the fuck did that come from?! I was trying to hold it together and obviously my brain was slipping gears. Am I toying with him? No... No, no, no...

"Ah... So you did," he said smiling, "Well good for you. I'm sure it's been a stressful day and you needed to take the edge off. I owe you a drink," he said looking closely at me, "Maybe later today?"

"No, I'm not drinking tomorrow...," I had to think about that and it probably showed on my face, "Today, I'm not drinking today..." Oh shit, it's already today, but the night time makes you think of today, right? Yesterday? I should really get out of here and to bed before I say something really stupid. I'm not even making sense - even to myself. Cents? Sense... 'Dime' and I giggled out loud again...

"Come on, let's get you to your room...," he said with a hint of playful concern.

"Okay...," I replied with more cheer than intended. I reached out and touched his arm after saying that. Why did I do that? He was looking at me funny. Was it my touching his arm? Say something... "This way..."

"Ah, no - that's the way back to the theater. Do you need to get something first," he asked.

"Oh, I meant... That-a-way!" I pointed in the opposite direction than I had originally thought I needed to go. So much for NOT looking stupid. I was pretty sure I was failing that test big time. Why did I feel so bubbly right now? Tests, "How old are you Blake?" Shit! Did I really just ask him that?

"I'll be the big three-O next month. Why?"

Whoa... I thought you were way older than twenty-nine, why was that? Do you look old? Sorta... Maybe your job and your overly mature air makes you seem like you are old, older? Everyone calling you 'Mr. Schultz' like you were olden... Augh... Say something! "I'm onna be twenty-four in July. On the seven's... Seventh..." Oh, crap... I needed to keep my mouth shut! I began walking in the direction he'd corrected me on and it quickly became obvious this was the way to the lobby and elevators. Was he going to escort me all the way to my room? Do I allow that? This, allow this? That? Whoa, the floor is moving...

Thursday, March 29th 3:09 AM
At the elevators I hit the 'Up' arrow and turned to Blake, "Well, this is my ride..."

"I think I'm going to make sure you make it Brea... Come on," he chided, his hand on my back to guide me into the now open elevator.

I hoped my blouse wasn't sweaty from dancing - that would be gross. When we were in the elevator he turned to the panel and pressed '6'. How did you... "How did you know I'm on the six, sixth floor," I asked trying not to sound to accusatory, though I'm sure my face said WTF.

He took a moment to formulate his reply, "All the contestants are on the sixth floor Brea. I have no idea what room you are in, but if you don't know I can find out easy enough...," he said pulling his phone from his suit pocket.

He didn't sound annoyed, but he did sound serious. Old... Did he think I was thinking he was a stalker again? "I don't think you are a stalker or anything like that, Blake..."

"Well that's good. Because I'm not, Brea."

"And that is a good thing... I do know my room, so you can not phone someone," I said as the doors to the elevator closed and we were now alone. Why was I looking around? We were alone on this ride up...

Thursday, March 29th 3:10 AM
I stepped out and knew I needed to go to my left, Blake followed - because he said he didn't know what room I was in. So he had to follow me, right, he's following me? Grrr! I'm losing it! Get your keycard out! I unzipped my wristlet clutch and retrieved my keycard as we walked the long hallway to my room. I didn't look to see if Blake was watching me or not, but it felt like it. When we got to my room I stuck the card in, pulled it out quickly, and the light shown green. I pushed the handle down and pushed the door open a couple inches.

OK Blakey... This is where you say you want to kiss me - it's just that thing that happens to me in Vegas hotels. Mom said you like me... Oh, blue eyes... I looked at his face closely and he had the kindest blue eyes. Is that even a thing? Kind eyes? Was he more attractive now that he wasn't thirty-five, forty years old? Do I say something? I think I would kiss you... Can you hear my thought, thoughts? What a loopy...

"You going to be alright...," he asked.

"Yes... Thank you for seeing home away from home safely," I said leaning back into the door pushing it open half way. Am I inviting him in? Will he think that? I'm tempted to tell you what my mom thinks about you Blakey... Are you going to...

"Ok, well get some sleep. Big day coming up. You've got a real shot at winning this thing Brea...," he said interrupting the one-side conversation I was having with myself silently. He smiled and turned to walk away.

Where... What? Ah... You're going to walk away like that fuck Tyler, then come back. I see how this is going to go. Is this a guy thing? Is there a chapter on seduction that says 'Be nice, don't push it - she will want you even more'? I watched him walk away... Nice ass. You're going to look back and see me... Look back... He stopped at the elevator and I ducked inside before seeing if he looked back. He'll be back...

I shut the door softly, over animating my movements, and lean against it. Augh, I could feel the dulling on my brain the tequila shots were inflicting. On my brain? I flicked the light switch on... I'm so tired... Get undressed. No, when he comes back I don't want to be naked. Or do I? No... I walked to the bed, sat on it facing the door waiting. Should be any second now. Any second Blake...

Am I impatient? He should have been back by now, right? Wait, it's a long hallway. Do I go look? No! I'm just going to lay down until you get here... I plopped back onto the bed. Oh fuck that feels good. Like I'm floating... Do I even want to get up when he knocks? I should have just left the door ajar with that lock thingy... Just gonna close my...

Thursday, March 29th 9:03 AM
I rolled away from the noise, pulling a pillow over my head. My mouth was dry, my vision a bit fuzzy, and my head hurt. The pounding noise stopped. Thank God! I should have put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle. Better yet, tied a sock to the handle to freak mom... Shit! My mom! I threw the pillow and covers off and hopped out of bed, making it to the door and opening it just as my phone began ringing behind me.

"Oh... Did you not sleep well honey," mom asked, hanging up and putting her phone away.

Mine stopped ringing behind me. Augh... I wanted to tell her not to yell, but squinted and shook my head 'No'. Truth was I sleep pretty hard for the first couple hours until I got cold and wrapped myself in the comforter from the bed. Then a couple minutes passed and I needed to pee... So I got up, did my business, and took off my clothes. The tape removal was NOT enjoyable half asleep and maybe slightly inebriated. I did a quick water splash on my face and a vigorous towel rub to get most of the makeup smeared really good all over my face and deep into my pores. Then returned to bed... My skin would be paying the price for that today... What the hell time is it anyway?

"You want me to order breakfast in Brea?"

The door clicked behind me and it took a good ten, fifteen seconds before I could engage my body to move.

"Brea?"

I heard you mom... "Sure, I need to get in the shower..." Without waiting for a reply or question about what I might want to eat I entered the bathroom, closed the door, and got a good look at DEATH staring back at me from the mirror. Oh fuck me...

Thursday, March 29th 9:57 AM
I took no less than a thirty minute shower and would have sat in the tub with the water pouring over me longer had my mom not peeked in to say breakfast was here. I did all the personal care shit almost immediately upon entering the shower and the sitting in the tub part was a good ten minutes of mind numbing nothing... I didn't feel sick, but my head hurt pretty good.

I got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around my head and one around my body under my arms. I tried wiping the mirror - too much steam. Switch gears... I grabbed my bottle of ibuprofen and threw three in my mouth - sucking water from my hand at the faucet. Work quickly... Please!

I opened the door to the bathroom and was slapped in the face with the smell of eggs, toast, possibly pancakes or something sweet and cake smelling, and of course coffee. I then smelled bacon and my stomach made a queasy rumble and for a second I considered bolting back into the bathroom. Toast... Plain, bland toast...

"You look like you've regained a bit of color..."

"Yeah, the red you see if from the hot water trying to melt away bad decisions mom...," I said taking a tentative bite of toast. Once it went down and didn't seem to want back out, I chomped a bigger bite. Water... I needed water and lots of it. I headed to the mini-refrigerator and pulled a bottle of water, uncapped it, and chugged almost half. OMG that tastes so good... For water that is...

"If Bill finds out you were..."

"I know mom," I interrupted her complaining, "I know...," I softened my tone.

"Well you shouldn't have been out so late or been drinking..."

"Yes, that was a bad decision I won't be making again anytime soon," I replied assuring her I got it.

"You want to try some eggs," she asked.

I picked up the metal top from the plate sitting on the desk and saw the eggs, hash browns, a couple strips of bacon, and a couple mini pancakes. It all smelled really good, so I rolled some eggs and bacon into a pancake and took a tentative bite. No revolt from my stomach, so I went about eating my pancake burrito of eggs and bacon.

"What are your plans for the day?"

I looked towards the bedside table and the alarm clock, 10:03. "I'm supposed to be at the pool for another mingle event at 11:30... Not looking forward to that," I said trying not to sound like I was complaining - again or much.

"Well you better get going then. I'll get out of your hair and see you at the pool. You know it's raining out?"

"It is?" I walked to the window and pulled the curtains back. The skies were gray and it looked wet out. I was pretty sure there was an indoor pool, so maybe they'll move this event there? I relayed that to her. She said she'd find it and see me there. We hugged and she left me to finish the last couple bites of pancake burrito. I looked at the last bite - how come someone hasn't made this a breakfast staple? Augh! Focus...

Thursday, March 29th 11:36 AM
I had struggled to get my hair just right and my makeup done to where I didn't look pale or like I didn't have a clue how to apply makeup. Two strikes already on this day - though the ibuprofen had done the trick on my head. Likely the water and food had kicked in to round out the pain medications efforts and to right the pounding I had in my head. Thank you God for the assist, much appreciated buddy... Added bonus - no sore throat. Ditto that thank you...

The next big struggle of the day came when trying on, and deciding, which of the two swim suits I had bought for this trip was going to work for this gathering. A one-piece with a cute sheer swimmers wrap or a bikini top with cute surf shorts to hid my body from the waist down a little better. The once-piece made my tiny breasts look juvenile. How the hell did I think this suit was a good choice when I bought it? Augh...

It took less time to get out of that one than it did to put it on. In the end, I hated how both of these suits looked on me and settled on the bikini only because the top had a tiny bit of padding built into the underwire structure. Bonus, it had a little thicker material - giving the slightest bit of enhancement effect with the padding. Of course the shorts meant it would be easier to hide something I needed to keep tucked out of sight. Love being incomplete... NOT!

Dysphoria much today? Oh fuck yeah and it was approaching overload levels! The anxiety was crippling me already - even before leaving my room. Now here at this event, name tag proudly proclaiming 'Breanna Calloway - Finalist', and a crowd of maybe sixty people - at a really cool retractable roof indoor swimming pool - there wasn't enough air around me to breathe.

Augh! And to make matters worse, many of the women were either naturally gifted in the breast department or had paid to be enhanced. I was that pre-pubesic looking girl with no breasts, boney wide shoulders, and barely any hips. The only place I didn't scream 'dude in a bikini top and shorts' was in the ass department - thank you HRT! I was having a tough time holding it together. What the fuck was I doing here anyway?

"Oh... I love your bikini, Victoria Secret," a woman asked.

Startled out of my loathing self-doubt session I tried to answer politely, "Volcum, I got it at a skate shop in San Diego..."

"You're from San Diego? I live in Escondido, we should totally hang out sometime..."

She was so bubbly and normal sounding I wasn't sure how to respond without sounding bitchy. I don't do 'hanging out' with people I don't know... Grrr! I told her where I performed and she could hit me up there on Thursday night amateur showcases. She seemed interested and eventually went off to talk with someone else from the show.

I spotted Wyatt and headed his way. I hoped this wasn't going to be awkward...

Thursday, March 29th 11:42 AM
"Hey Brea... You look nice," Wyatt said looking me up and down in a non-pervy-way.

I hugged him, "Thank you Wyatt..."

"Not a problem... You sleep good," he asked smiling.

"Sort of, but not enough... You?"

"We closed the place down. I just got up, put on some shorts, flip-flops, and ran some gel through my hair. I need a freak'n shower like no one's business... Do I stink," he asked at a whisper.

"No, you smell fine... I like your cologne," I said smiling and very much relieved he was being so cool about last night. He was shirtless and he had a muscular chest. The scars from his breast removal were faded and barely noticeable. He was a man who took good care of his body, that was evident. If I got a chance later I was going to ask him about his dysphoria or seemingly lack of it - maybe get a clue to help me with mine...

"Sweet... I starving, so I'm going to get something to eat over there. You want anything?"

"Nah, probably hit the bar up...," he had a questioning look until I explained I needed water. We laughed and he went to get some food while I headed to the bar.

When I approached the bar I heard someone behind me saying, "Don't even serve this woman... She's cut off!"

I saw the surprised look on the bartenders face, then turned to see the smiling face of none other than Mr. Schultz. "Mr. Schultz... Good morning," I said trying to control the jitters my body was sending through me due to the lack of hydration, nerves, anxiety, and any other condition I could add to the pile.

"Miss Calloway... I almost came back to your room last night to see if you wanted a wake-up call from the front desk. I see you made it no worse for wear..."

"My mom was my wake-up...," I said. In the state I was in it's good he didn't come back to my room. This meeting would be way more awkward - not that I wasn't feeling a bit awkward remembering what a dork I was last night. Check that, this morning.

"Ah," he said interrupting me, while looking through me, "Mrs. Calloway, good morning..."

I turned to see mom behind me. We hugged briefly and she said, "Blake, please - Denise..."

"I knew that, but I'm just a little old fashioned," he explained, "Denise, good morning."

"Much better... I wanted to thank you for making sure Brea got to her room last night..."

I'd told her that, but nothing more. Now I was hoping this little reunion between them didn't load onto the embarrassment factor I was already feeling around him.

He smiled, "My pleasure. We need her ready to go tonight. Going to be a great show..."

While they continued to chit-chat, I mouthed 'Water' to the bartender, who looked at Blake questioningly. He nodded when Blake gave him a 'You're kidding me?' look and proceeded to load a red Solo cup with my favorite type of ice and filled it with bottled water. My dentist said I needed to stop chewing ice or I was going to screw up my teeth - I didn't listen... This ice was tiny and when you chewed it, it exploded into tiny little pieces with very little effort. I downed the water quickly, coaxed a mouthful of ice from the cup, and put the cup back on the bar for a refill - which was done quickly.

"Have you ladies been over to the expo?"

"I just got here," I stated. Mom said she saw the signs outside of the pool and by the elevators. I added that I also saw the signs, not sure why, but didn't want to appear like I wasn't aware of my surroundings.

"The vendors would have been much happier to have set up outside by the pool, but with the rain and possible thunder showers - we had to improvise. You should definitely check it out..."

How did this guy look so refreshed and functioning normally when there's no way he was in bed before 5 or 6 this morning. Are you a machine?

"We certainly will, you want to head that way Brea," mom asked.

"Sure... I don't see the PSB cameras around, tell me that's by design...," I asked Blake.

"They thought it would be too tough to get good footage in a crowd and then get signed releases from those that may get caught in their production. You might see them, but if they film it'll be a one-on-one thing," he thought about it a little more, "That's what Karen told me when I got here. I'm just here to make sure the bar, food, music, and pool part of this gathering doesn't get out of control...," he finished with a smile.

"I don't hear any music...," I challenged.

"DJ says the mixer fuse is shot or something. He's going to pull a backup unit from the club. Should be any minute," he turned to look toward the area setup for the DJ, "I should go check on him..."

"Okay, well I guess we'll see you around...," I replied.

"Sure... You a Volcom girl?"

What? Oh, my swim suit... "You know Volcom," I asked. That was stupid! He's not like twenty years older than I am...

"It's all I wore as a kid. I'm ashamed to say this, but my first tattoo was the Volcom Stone logo... Not my best decision...," he said with a little chuckle.

"Really? You have a Volcom logo tattoo," I asked, looking at mom who was shaking her head.

"Yeah, but I sense there's more going on here given that look on your mom's face..."

Mom spoke before I had a chance, "Brea thought it would be 'Cool' to get a Volcom tattoo from a friend who was an aspiring tattoo artist. What's he do now Brea, manages a Subway?" She let that hang out there a second before continuing, "I nixed that idea..."

"So you don't have any tattoos Brea?"

"No, but one day...," I replied - while mom nodded her head 'No'. Which was either a statement of her forbidding it - which she knew she couldn't. Or she was stating in her most motherly way that tattoos were a bad idea.

"You know we have a tattoo parlor in the hotel...," Blake stated.

"Let's not encourage her, Blake. She needs to be focused on tonight, not getting ink...," mom quipped.

"Understood Denise..." Blake winked at me and I couldn't help but smile.

"Alright... Got to get that music going. See you both later I hope...," he said and walked away heading towards the DJ set up.

When he was well out of earshot, mom asked, "Still think he doesn't like you?"

"Mom, nothing in any of that could be confused with like or attraction or whatever...," I said a little more exacerbated that I intended.

She was staring at me, then cracked the slightest of smiles, "You like him too..."

Augh! We're not having this conversation...

Thursday, March 29th 11:57 AM
The vendor expo at the Grand Cayman celebrating the Transgender Day of Visibility was much larger than I expected it was going to be. It was also way more crowded. The George Town banquet room it was being held in was easily three times the size of the banquet room we did our ‘Meet and Greet’ in last night. Right inside the door mom made her first purchase – two t-shirts promoting the singing competition. One was for me of course, I was very lucky to have such a cool mom! It took great effort to NOT put the thing on to help hide my body from a few stares I’d gotten already. Whatever! Get over yourselves… If this thing was held at the outdoor pool - no one would have given my swimsuit or me a second look.

We were given a flyer upon entry and a quick skim of it showed easily thirty to forty vendors. They represented: bakeries – for wedding cakes or parties in the local Vegas area; wedding planners – again Vegas based; clothing and jewelry boutiques – half from Vegas and others from as far away as San Francisco, LA, and Phoenix; makeup artists and supplies – including two booths selling wigs and everything you could imagine for hair care; a couple shoe manufacturers – I hadn’t heard of either of them, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be tempted; and finally all forms of medical representatives hawking plastic surgery, hair removal, weight-loss, and counseling services. Whomever coordinated this portion of the event had to be part of our community because there’s no way someone without insight could have gathered these vendors for every need or interest to someone who was Transgendered. The vendor expo, on paper, was meaningful - I was impressed and looking forward to seeing everything…

Three booths into it and mom bought a necklace for herself. What was I doing? I was being congratulated on my performance last night and being asked every question I had answered last night all over again. It was beginning to sap the enjoyment out of being here, that is until my phone vibrated.

When I checked it there was a text from Kaley: ‘Where RU?’

‘We just started walking through the expo. Where RU?’

She replied quickly, ‘Pool, looking for U! Wait for me!’

‘Left inside the entrance. We’re literally three booths into it.’

Kaley: ‘K!’ There was a kissy-face emoji after the exclamation point. What a goof!

Kaley joining us was a huge relief! She was always full of energy and she knew how to have fun – or make whatever we were doing fun. She also gave me the confidence to be myself and she was super protective - without being my mom. The fact she could squash a lot of my angst, anxiety, or self-doubting ways – HUGE! I think she enjoyed dragging me around though and making me feel like I was no different from her. When she found us we hugged quickly - let the fun begin! I was a little worried mom might feel deprived of mother / daughter time, but she loved Kaley as much as I did and their personalities combined always amped up the fun. Pretty sure mom considered Kaley her adopted daughter…

When we found the first shoe manufacturers booth it was game on and Kaley put out the ‘Do Not Disturb’ vibe so I could enjoy trying on a few pairs of super cute pumps, to die for wedge heeled sandals, and a pair of suede boots I couldn’t believe fit perfectly! I could see a couple people waiting to get time with me but took advantage of Kaley running interference. I would be gracious in a couple minutes – I just needed some me-shoe-time first.

“How much are these,” I asked the saleswoman. I hadn’t seen a price tag on any of the boxes. Finding cute shoes in my size, that didn’t kill my feet or scream any number of crushing… Nope don’t go there! Fuck your doubts today! Cute shoes. How much. Fit and feel are good. Don’t ruin this moment! Breathe…

“Sixty-five, but I can take thirty dollars off since you’re part of the show,” she replied. She picked up the box and looked on the bottom of it, “Mmmhuh, I can do thirty-five for those.”

“Kale’s… Cute or not,” I asked a little nervous.

“Really? Very cute…,” she said smiling while turning a pair of sandals over to check out their soles, “You have so many outfits those could go with…”

“Mom?”

“I like those honey…,” she replied. She really wasn’t looking for shoes and was pretty much hanging out waiting for me to decide what I was going to do.

Augh… Thirty-five was more than I cared to pay for a pair of shoes, but these wedged heeled sandals could go with nearly every skirt or dress I had for work. Cute, comfortable… I looked at my painted nails peaking out… I doubt I could walk into Marshall’s or Target and get a better deal – if they even had my size. Grrr! Just do it! “I’ll take these…,” I said confident I was making the right decision.

“Their one of our best sellers on our website. If you haven’t seen the whole expo I can hold them here for you after I ring you up…”

“Oh, that would be really cool. Thank you,” I said while pulling my Visa card out. I felt really good about this purchase. Hope the other shoe booth didn’t have any shoes I couldn’t live without!

Thursday, March 29th 12:25 PM
The second shoe booth thankfully didn’t have anything I liked – one pair of shoes purchased per day needed to be my limit anyway. Haha! The owner did give me a code I could use on his website to get twenty-five percent off any purchase and free shipping, but I would have to make a purchase before the end of next month. The quality just didn’t seem to be there with his products, so we didn’t stay very long. Kaley thought they looked a little too third world-ish, so did mom.

When we walked by a plastic surgery booth my name tag caught the eye of the woman in the booth, “You’re one of the finalists? I don’t recognize you from the show last night…”

“Yeah, I was wearing a wig. I sang Toxic…” My reply sounded more like a question - than confidently stating I had sung that song.

“Really? Whoa, I really loved that arrangement. Your voice is beautiful. Next to the ‘Hotel California’ guy, you were my favorite performer last night… I’m Susan Wilks-Jenson,” she said extending her hand over the table she was sitting at.

“Breanna Calloway,” I said, then realized she mostly likely had already picked that up from my name tag. Augh…

“Any interest in plastic surgery,” she asked, then something clicked in her eyes, “You’ve had some FFS, nose maybe? Trach shave?”

“That obvious,” I asked suddenly worried my face was somehow scar ridden.

“Relax Brea, she’s probably a surgeon and can just tell…,” Kaley said coming to my aid.

“I was for thirty-four years. Now I manage the practice for my daughter here in Vegas. Can I see…,” she stood and came around her little table to get a closer look at my face.

I was frozen by the request and just stood there while she examined my face. Kaley didn’t seem too concerned, but I knew if this got any weirder she would be the first to call an end to the surgical admiration going on. I looked for mom, she was in the booth next to this one deep in conversation about something.

“Really nice work… Your ears too? Whoever did this was highly skilled…,” she said stepping back, “My daughter doesn’t do SRS, but if you were interested,” her face softened along with her voice, “Not that you need it, but if you were interested in breast augmentation she is incredibly skilled…”

I looked at Kaley, who shrugged and said, “We’re from San Diego, so this would be a bit out of the way for her…”

“Oh… I understand. Have you given any thought about where you would do your SRS?”

It was the second time she had mentioned SRS and either she was guessing I hadn’t already had the surgery – which is kind of bold of her to be asking or she was fishing for something. I told her the name of the doctor and clinic in Toronto, Canada I had researched and was saving diligently to be able to afford the costs of their SRS program. And in my reply, there was the answer – no, I haven’t had SRS yet. I expected her next comment was going to be recommending someone else…

“I know that clinic and I’ve read a few of the papers published by that doctor. Why go there,” she asked.

“Because of all the places I’ve researched and everyone I’ve talked to – the doctor is the best… The clinic is renowned for its recovery support…”

She now was smiling, “Long way to go, but you’d do that for the best. I’m telling you my daughter is the best – look her up…,” she said handing me a card.

Well that kind of spun back around conveniently now didn’t it? I took the card and looked at Kaley, not sure what to say.

“Brea has been getting discounts on everything she’s bought today, anything like that available?”

My eyes widened, and I gave Kaley a look that said, ‘What are you doing?!’

It took a moment for Susan to consider, but she replied with, “Win tonight and I’ll knock off half. But you have to do a promo campaign for us. Could be print, website, YouTube, whatever. Before and after kind of thing, tasteful of course, and we'd want to use the fact you won...”

“If she places…,” Kaley came back quickly.

What the hell! I was stunned and stood there silently while these two haggled over the cost of something I really didn’t have a budget for and wasn’t even sure I wanted! Kaley!! I was safe from any discount if I was required to win – I doubted I could win this competition on my best day of singing. If I got lucky and placed though… Augh!

“Sure,” Susan said with her hand outstretched toward me. I took her hand and shook it. She continued, “Look into Ashley and her reputation. If you ever consider augmentation and you place tonight, and you do an add campaign for us – we’ll knock off half… Check out our website for more. Oh, and it doesn't have to be breasts, I'll honor that deal if there's something more you want done - though I would advise against it - your face is quite feminine.”

Kaley was all smiles and since I hadn’t said anything while these two haggled I said the first thing that popped into my mind, “Okay, that… That sounds really good… I’ll check,” I looked at the card, “Ashley out.”

Kaley turned away and walked towards the next booth, so I said goodbye to Susan and followed after her. Two steps taken, and mom snuck up behind me, “You talk to that woman about breast implants,” she asked.

“Mom…,” I complained, “Don’t really want to talk about it…”

“Okay,” she said, “Kaley, what was that all about?”

Kaley turned away from a jewelry display, “Getting Brea fifty percent off boobs… If she ever decides she wants them.”

She was way too pleased with herself, “Yeah, and tell her what I have to do to get that…,” I protested.

“She needs to place tonight…,” Kaley said, still pleased with herself and not picking up on any of the visual cues all over my face I had concerning us talking about this subject here. “Oh, and she has to do some advertising for the doctor… Piece of cake,” she added as an afterthought.

Mom was looking at me a little shocked, “I’m not getting implants… I’ve got other things I need to accomplish before I pay for that kind of thing. And as for placing tonight – not very likely… I’d have to be lucky and others would have to screw up. Everyone one in the finale can sing their asses off…”

“That’s the spirit…,” Kaley chided picking up a bracelet from the table and examining it.

“So can you honey,” mom added.

Augh! This isn’t… My attention was grabbed when I saw him moving around a couple of people four booths away and then I lost him as the crowd between us ebbed and flowed. I felt my stomach drop… I might have seen him first, but it was the woman he was talking with that caught my attention – was that Jennifer? That must mean Tyler was around here somewhere. I scanned the aisle and booths where Dana was – no sign of Tyler.

“What’s up,” Kaley asked noticing I was focus on something other than the jewelry at the booth we were in front of.

“I need to talk to someone, I’ll be right back…”

Mom and Kaley gave me a look before I walked away. I didn’t care, I was going to right the universe. Could I blow Tyler up right here in this crowded expo with his fiancée right there? I just needed to get the match lit and let it touch the fuse! Where are you, you son-of-a-bitch…

Thursday, March 29th 12:41 PM
My resolve hadn’t diminished until I was right behind Dana, my heart racing I reached out and patted his back tentatively, “Hey Dana…” Could I do this?

He looked over his shoulder, “Oh… Hey Breanna, how’s it going?” The woman I assumed was Jennifer stopped to see what was going on, probably thinking I was a fan trying to get a minute of his time.

“Good, thanks… Tyler around,” I asked.

The woman with Dana looked at me a little confused, maybe wondering why I was inquiring, then replied, “He’s still in bed… Little hung over…”

“Brea’s one of the finalists, Jen. Jennifer, Breanna… Brea this is Jennifer, Tyler’s fiancé,” Dana made the introductions. I already knew she was his fiancé which was at the center point of my ire right now…

“Hi…,” was all I could manage. It was taking every bit of control to not just throw up what her fiancé had…

“I don’t recognize you from the show last night, you must have sung after the fire alarm…,” Jennifer said snapping me out of my train of thought, “We left and did some gambling. Tyler did a little too much drinking…” She chuckled after sharing the Tyler drinking too much statement.

“Oh, guess that happens around here – people making poor choices… Sometimes they don’t even have to be stupid drunk…” I’m sure the dead, uncaring look on my face said there was more, but I stopped short of letting her know that her fucking fiancé had come to my…. Augh! What did I really want to accomplish here? She wasn’t the problem, but she should know – right?

“They don’t call this place Sin City without a reason,” Dana said, maybe starting to put the pieces together. He had a concerned look on his face.

I sensed someone beside me before they spoke, “Your mom wants you to look at a sundress when you’re done here…”

I didn’t look at Kaley, just held my stare with Dana, “Yeah, poor choices and sins…” I turned without saying another word and headed back toward the clothing booth I assumed mom was waiting for me to come check out a sundress.

Kaley was right next to me, “That was a little chilly, I assume there’s a story…”

“Let’s talk about it later…,” I replied.

I felt the poke on my back and turned to see Jennifer right behind me, "What's your fucking problem?"

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 12:47 PM
"I don't have a problem, but... But you have...," I replied defiantly, awkwardly, and without as much anger as was boiling inside of me from this whole situation. The initial confrontation spiked my anxiety to the point it brought on a panic attack - which ramped up my fears about anything and everything. Can you breathe? Are people watching you? Will I have to fight her? Am I going to pass out? I need more air...

While it, the panic attack, didn't just disappear when I walked away from the initial contact with Jennifer - getting away from the source of my angst was a tiny, tiny bit of relief. Of course that got flushed when she just had to pursue me for more, what would I call this? Conflict? I looked at her trying to gauge where this was going to go, all the while thinking - you're really not who I want to unload on. Can't you get that through your head...

Dana slid in between the two of us, "Okay, not here... Let's take this outside."

We were starting to get onlookers, so the suggestion was probably... I hoped mom couldn't see me, I fought the urge to look behind me.

"No... I want to know why this...," she considered calling me some name, but thought better of it in a crowded expo with so many others just like Dana and I, "Giving attitude about Tyler."

"Jen, this isn't the place for...,"

"The fuck it isn't...," she interrupted him while holding her glare on me. She looked like she wanted me dead, to squish me under her shoe to a pulp like some defenseless bug.

"You ever think the real issue here is your man," Kaley said, tossing a cup full of gas on an already going blaze - even though she was guessing that's what this confrontation really boiled down too.

"Screw you... I'm not talking to you bitch," Jennifer stuck back.

Kaley took a step toward her, but Dana was making it known with his body position that there wasn't going to be a physical scene made here. More people were stopping and looking at the four of us, wondering what was going on.

"Seriously Jen," Dana grabbed her arm tentatively, "Outside... Now..." The tone said he wasn't making a request - more of an order and delivered with more authority than I think she was expecting from him.

"Fine... But this is going to explain what the fucking attitude is all about or I swear I'm going to kick her ass...," she replied and walked around Dana, Kaley, and I towards the expo's exit.

Oh fuck me! What rabbit hole am I going down with being part of...

"Brea, I don't know what's going on, but I've... Come outside, tell her what happened, and I promise to drag her out of here...," Dana said, his voice heavy with concern.

"Dana, you know what happened...," I said quietly. Kaley's face screamed 'Shock!' and she tried to get my attention by raising an eyebrow, but I keep my focus on Dana.

"Actually I don't, but I'm pretty sure I can guess. Tyler is a real dick, Brea. I'm really sorry... I should have warned you. I just didn't think he would..." he was looking like he wanted to be anywhere other than right here and just quit speaking.

"Yeah, well it was a huge mistake on my part...," I turned to Kaley, "Keep my mom distracted. Tell her I have to deal with something show related."

Kaley of course protested, but Dana assured her there would be no physical confrontation or anything crazy happening between Jennifer and I. Kaley was understandably angry, maybe a little hurt about being left to deal with my mom, but in the end she knew I needed to keep my mom out of this for too many reasons to list.

Dana and I headed towards the exit and a confrontation I wasn't looking forward too. She wasn't the one I wanted to unload on - but she needed to know what that fucker was capable of... I was sure she already knew.

Thursday, March 29th 12:53 PM
We walked towards Jennifer - now a good twenty to thirty feet down the hall from the expo banquet room. She had her phone out and looked to be texting someone - likely Tyler. Good, get his ass down here! I would love to give him a good piece of my mind!

"Jen...," Dana began tentatively, "I really think you need to hear Breanna out..."

"There's no way Tyler was with... This...," she said moving a hand towards me as if she were trying to wave a cloud of smoke away from herself, "Was he drunk? Is that how you desperate to be women types operate?"

No, you fucking just didn't say that! "Look, you can believe what you want, but your man is a cheating fuck," my words were spewing faster than my lips could operate. I was nervous, on panic overload, and I can't remember the last time my heart was hammering this hard in my chest. "He pursued me and... To be honest I don't often...," I sounded frustrated - which I was because I didn't feel like I could make the point I needed to, wanted to. "Whatever... It was mistake, but he was the one who..."

Jennifer lunged at me, but Dana was able to wrap his arms around her waist to restrain and hold her back, "You fucking bitch... I don't believe you," she cried while trying to wriggle out of Dana's grasp.

Her coming at me like that, unexpectedly, made me jump back a step. She was wrestling to get out of Dana's hold and that made me even more panicked. Holy shit, this girl is crazy! She wasn't screaming at me, but she wasn't quiet either. A few people walked by watching us, but that didn't affect Jennifer, "You make me sick. Everyone like you - fucking losers. Can't deal with being gay so you switch teams... Think you wanna be a girl now...," she said tauntingly, "Fucking pathetic! You'll never be a woman... No man wants you! Men will never want you..."

Breathing was getting tougher to do and as on edge as I was I didn't know how to respond to her pure hatred of me. My skin bristled, was chilled, and I felt like there was a ringing in my ears. I wasn't the problem - Tyler was the one she should be angry with. If I had known he was engaged - NEVER would have happened. I didn't chase him, he...

"That's it Jen, you're done here. Go find Tyler and deal with getting the truth you want to hear from him," Dana barked spinning her around and away from me as she continued to struggled to get free.

"Fuck you Dan... You're no better than he is, IT is..." she said swinging an arm in my direction as if she could get at me with at least five feet between us now and Dana holding her back.

"Jen... You know this isn't the first time he's done..."

She cut him off, "He's fucking engaged now Dan," she said his name as if it were an insult or something that tasted bad in her mouth.

"I know, but you know for a fact he's been with other wome..."

Again she cut him off, "I fucking swear I'll kick your ass too if you call IT a woman... IT, that's an IT. A fucking dude... Fuck you! Fuck you both!" Dana let her go and she stepped backwards, "You enjoy taking it up the ass? You fucking...," she sounded as if she was running out of gas.

She was frustrated, hurt, and maybe near breaking down... I didn't know what to say - I saw movement coming towards us from down the hall. Two of them, they were running... Oh shit! Cops or security personnel were heading straight for us. Please don't be cops! Please don't be...

"Fuck you both! If I see you again you fucking... I'm going to..."

The first security guard came up quickly behind Jennifer and barked at her, "Back up, move away! Now!" That shocked her into momentary silence as she swung around shocked to have someone yelling at her. The other guard moved in to corral Dana and I away from her - a little more politely, since we didn't appear to be losing it like Jennifer was.

Of course the questions flew once they had us separated. Dana did most of the talking in regards to answering them - explaining there was a misunderstanding between Jennifer and I - concerning her finance. The guard seemed to get it, but asked all the liability type questions you'd expect: "Did anyone hit anyone?" "Where's the guy?" Blah, blah, blah... Very embarrassing, very demeaning, and NOW we had a crowd of five or six people gawking.

Ten feet away the other guard was asking Jennifer pretty much the same things and she wasn't holding back - it was pathetic. She blamed me for sleeping with her finance to the guard... Wonderful! I wanted to melt into the carpet. Dana shook his head and tried to reassure me that I was the victim in all of this. Really? You think?! Fuck...

I kept coming back to the same question - where did this woman's hate come from? I mean seriously, I've never been berated like this ever face to face. Yeah, I get shit like this sent to me on Instagram and Tumblr all the time, but in person and when I'm not really at fault? What the hell?! And those attacks online - soooo much worse and vile. Sure, they made me feel hopeless, lost, worthless, and very much alone in my transition, but I usually just hit 'delete' and block the sender. Fucking trolls!

Jennifer - she just didn't want to believe Tyler was the problem and was lashing out at me. Didn't make it justifiable... And all my inner turmoil, so many out there wanting to make me feel small or... Augh! Stop!!! I replayed her, 'No man wants you! Men will never want you...' comment and took in a long, slow breathe... Am I unlovable? My psyche was taking a deep dive into a dark, dark place. Could this get any worse?

Thursday, March 29th 1:19 PM
When everyone's statements had been gathered and the two guards had finished conferring, the taller of them - the one who had interviewed Dana and I - said to Jennifer, "Miss, you're leaving this area or you'll be removed and trespassed from the property..."

She looked a little surprised by the request to leave, demand actually, and she almost looked like she was going to protest, but thought better of it. "Fuck you...," was her reply as she turned and started down the hall towards the lobby. She raised both hands up high flipping everyone off for good measure. No doubt the bulk of that gesture was meant for me - whatever... A couple of the people watching clapped and there were even a few who laughed at her. I just wanted out of here...

"Let's give her a couple minutes to get clear of the lobby. My partner is going to make sure she's going back to her room." We could see his partner trailing Jennifer. He continued, "Did either of you," he corrected himself, "I mean, did you," he was now talking to me, "Want to press charges or anything? Do you feel threatened or unsafe?"

Threatened? There was certainly a threat made - what part of Dana telling you about that did you miss, I wondered. Was I feeling unsafe? Geez! Yeah! But I just wanted out of here, so I wasn't giving this guy anything to keep me around any longer, "I'm pretty sure I'll be fine." Could he tell that was a lie? Fuck it...

"Sir," the guard was asking the same of Dana.

"Jennifer is engaged to my brother. I'm sure there will be some uncomfortable moments to come before this event is over. I'm not worried about any of that if that's your question," Dana said.

"Alright then," he pulled out a card for each of us, "Feel free to call the number on the card or the front desk if there are any more issues. You can also dial 911 from within the hotel, no need to worry about an outside line. You two have a better day..."

Dana thanked him, while I just stared absently at his card. The couple people gathered to watch this train wreck had moved - Thank God! I tried to not think about those couple negative looks I'd gotten from our impromptu audience. Whatever... I needed to get back to my mom, "I need to go...," I said to Dana.

"I'm so sorry Brea...," he replied.

"Wasn't your fault Dana, I... He just hit me on a low and I was so desperate to be normal, feel normal I didn't think any of that night out...," I looked down as the tears began to flow, "It's not right..."

Dana hugged me, assuring me again that this wasn't my fault, that I was valid, beautiful, worthy. I tried to steel my nerves, get a grip on the last hour, and when I thought I had it together - thanked him. He said he was going to the pool, inviting me to come with - I said I needed some time to process. I hate drama, I hate conflict, and I especially hated people who hate. Was this encounter as crazy as it could have been? Ah, pretty sure this ranks as the worst in-person confrontation I had been a part of - ever. I headed for my room, texting Kaley as I walked toward the elevators.

Thursday, March 29th 1:51 PM
I texted mom to say I was done with the sound check (a little white lie for her protection), back in my room, and going to skip going out to lunch with her and Kaley.

Her reply: ‘What’s wrong?’

Me: ‘Nothing, just have a headache and I’m going to lay down for an hour. Didn’t get much sleep last night – you might recall me looking like death this morning. LOL’

She seemed to accept that and said she’d come by around 4:00 PM to wish me luck before I headed out to the show at 5:00 PM. I told her that would be perfect. Of course, while that text exchange was going on I was having another one with Kaley. I had to be careful to not screw up who got what message.

Me: ‘That was fun - NOT!’

Kaley: ‘What happened?! Where RU?’

Me: ‘Too much to text – In my room, can U come, 601.’

Kaley: ‘Be there shortly. I have your shoes.’ Smiley face and shoes emoji.

Me: ‘Oh crap, I totally forgot! Thank U!’ Kissy face emoji.

Thursday, March 29th 2:13 PM
The knock on the door literally made me jump! I knew it had to be Kaley, but I walked to the door slowly, listening for any voices, and looked out the peephole studying the person standing there, Kaley. I let out a BIG sigh of relief before I pulled the door open, “My shooooes…,” I said trying to sound like I wasn’t still rattled and everything was good.

Kaley took a second to look me over, “Are you okay?”

She knew I wasn’t just by looking at me. Was my negative vibe that strong right now? Did I sweat panic beads and they dried on my skin and I stunk? “Yeah, I’m getting there. Not what I needed today, or this trip here…”

“Look, you couldn’t have known that guy was engaged and that bitch of his…,” she said sounding frustrated, “I so wanted her to come at me, I swear...”

Kaley wasn’t one to sit back and take shit. She went after everything full bore and full of energy. Every guy she’d dated since I knew her got that message pretty quickly and didn’t usually stick around after she shut them down for being stupid. I wondered if JJ could handle her, he was overly nice to women at the club, would she call him on it or would he stop that if they ever started dating? As for Jennifer – I could see Kaley mopping the floor with her, so I was smiling after her comment. God that would have been something to see - but probably not very satisfying in the end.

“Okay, start from the beginning. I think I got the basic problem that girl had, but…,” she flashed a devious smile, “You’ve been a busy woman since arriving in Vegas.”

I could feel the rush of blood warming my face and knew I was blushing pretty good. If there was anyone in this world I could talk to about ANYTHING, it was Kaley. Sure, mom was nearly as good as Kaley, but there’s no way I would ever talk about sex with mom - at least not pre-SRS/GRS. Maybe not even after surgery...

I began telling her the story from the beginning. Did she have questions, uncomfortable ones? Hello! Of course she did! I expected this was going to be uncomfortable, but I needed someone to listen to me and get my feelings dealt with - maybe. I did my best to skim over the naughty details, but if she asked, I tried my best to expound on my feelings or explain in further detail. So now, everything I felt about that night with Tyler was tainted, stained, and eating away at my core. I told her as much… I accomplished nothing and didn't advance myself in regards to my transition.

Kaley asked, "Did you feel desired?"

I answered a little embarrassed, "Yes... I felt like who I was supposed to be if that's what you're asking..."

"It is. And, he saw you naked, made you cum, he came..."

"Really? You didn't get that from my dissertation on this?"

"Oh, I got it, but I'm wondering if 'You' got it. If you got that you were desired, wanted, and made him cum..."

"What's that got to do with anything," I asked a little confused with the point she was trying to make.

"Point is, it sounds like he saw you for who you are becoming and in the moment there was a lot of lust going both ways. Yeah, the dude gets no pass for being a slime-ball fuck who cheated on his fiancé, but with the way you describe it he treated you as who you are inside...," she argued trying to make me see some positive in that night.

I had to think about it more and maybe sort of agreed. I countered with, "Maybe he was just trying to conquer a Trans woman? Or get his rocks off? I can't help but feel like he knew I was vulnerable and maybe an easy target..." That last thought depressed me, so I switch up the conversation and told her about Wyatt kissing me last night. That sparked a whole other line of questions and heated conversation. She let me vent my feelings on Wyatt, some more thoughts I had about Tyler, and then I realized I'd been talking nonstop for too long...

She had been listening for almost five minutes without a question or follow-on one or comment, “You need to reset, refocus…” She got up and pulled a bottle of water from the mini-fridge, “Want one?” I nodded ‘Yes’. She handed me a bottle, then sat back down on the love-seat sofa. “Jennifer, she’s screwed, let that bitches shit go. Look, she’ll be married and divorced five, six times over her life time. She’ll end up being an old cat lady, one of those that hang plates on their walls, and certainly - end up alone. That’s not you, that’s not where you’re heading… Tyler - you got something out of it, unfortunately enough crap to wipe out anything good from it. And now this Wyatt guy - tell me again how men aren't interested in you?”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the plate thing. I appreciated her points, which were basically saying I wasn’t going to be anything like Jennifer. “I’m impatient about wanting to live my life completely as who I was meant to be – which does me no favors I know. But every mis-gendering, every ‘what-if’ I beat myself up about, not wanting to remember the old me, seeing couples together everywhere, all of it knocks me down and I struggle to get up sometimes…”

“I know Brea, we’ve talked about a lot of this over the past three-years. What am I telling you constantly?”

“Yeah, ‘Best version of myself’,” I said a little whiny.

“And…”

“’Forgive myself’…,” I said like I was replying to someone who’d just scolded me.

“Right! So, reset. What are you here to do? Find love in a town that could care less about anything but being stupid with your money or drinking too much or some fling?”

“I get it Kal’s…,” I said sounding rejected. Augh, pick a feeling and stick with it! Stop being a victim!

“Ok, then if you get it stop playing the victim…,” she said gruffly, “I love you, but I’m not gonna put up with you wallowing on a pity train. Pity, guilt, not standing up for yourself – all toxic… And not that Britney Spears ‘Toxic’ shit…”

She was smiling, and I got it… Reset. Screw Jennifer and Tyler. Forgive myself, learn from this, and move the fuck on… Easier said than done, but it’s what… A knock at the door made me jump again, and after looking at the door I looked at Kaley as if SWAT or someone was going to burst in.

“Probably just your mom,” she said rising and walking to the door. After a quick peak through the peephole she opened the door. I could see Blake and Karen Cole. Oh Jesus! Please don’t be here because of Tyler. I heard Kaley speaking, “Can I help you?”

“Hi, we’re,” Blake began.

“You’re Blake Schultz, I don’t know your partner though…,” Kaley replied.

“Oh… Yes, I’m Blake, this is Karen Cole. We’re running the competition and got a report about an incident involving Breanna,” he made it sound like a question – the incident portion of his statement. He could see me, why not just speak to me? Fuck!

“Come on in…,” I said.

Kaley moved aside and let them in. I was dreading this for so many reasons – but my biggest concern was whether I was about to be kicked out of the competition. Nothing happened, how could they want to kick me out. I could feel my body shiver just thinking about that prospect...

“Hi, Breanna,” Karen started, “Like Blake mentioned, we got a report of an incident near the expo and we’re just here to make sure you’re alright and to see if there’s anything we can do to make you feel safer around the property.”

Blake looked like he wanted to add to what Karen has said but remained silent. “I’ll be fine, thank you for coming to check on me,” I said hoping they weren’t going to press for any details and had gotten enough from the security guards to be satisfied that nothing really happened other than some chick went psycho.

“I saw the report, looks like a misunderstanding, but not something along the lines of the protestors from last night,” Karen continued, “We just want you to feel safe and comfortable with your stay, and of course for the performance tonight.”

“I’m ready to perform and I don’t think there will be any other problems the rest of my stay. I really do appreciate you both checking in on me…” Oh my God! Did Blake read what the guards wrote? What did they write? My stomach rolled and gurgled loudly, "I haven't eaten lunch yet," I said trying to explain away the anxiety loud speaker my stomach was right now.

“Okay… We’ll get out of your hair then. Good luck tonight,” Karen said.

“Yeah, good luck, you could win this thing…,” Blake said as he and Karen made their way to the door. I walked with them and saw them out.

When the door closed I huffed a slow breathe, “Good God… Will this day ever get any better?”

“Reset…,” Kaley said from behind me, “Refocus…”

“Yeah, yeah… I got that,” I said returning to the pile of blankets on the bed I had been wrapped in. Thank God I had thrown a t-shirt on over my bikini top. Augh! Why was it that this swimsuit looked amazing the day I bought it and today - like crap? I tried to remember the day I bought it: sunny, not rushed, the store wasn’t crowded, and my hair and makeup were PERFECT! Wait, that’s it! That’s why my suit looked so much better the day I bought it – perfect hair and makeup. Today, no so perfect… Get over it! Screw the negative feedback looks I might have gotten while at the expo or pool! Reset! Refocus!

“What about Blake,” Kaley asked

“Huh?” Wait a second, Blake? “You talk to my mom,” I sort of snapped at her.

“Easy gurl-fren, she might have mentioned him…,” Kaley said casually.

I chuckled, “Mentioned? She thinks he likes me or something because he’s nice to me…,” I was having trouble expressing how I felt about mom meddling, “He’s nice enough… But what happened to being here to win a singing competition? Reset, refocus?”

“I know, but… He’s a good looking man. What’s he, about twenty-eight,” she asked smiling.

“He’ll be thirty next month…” Why was I indulging her with this line of conversation?

“I said reset, not be celibate…,” she replied with a giggle.

"He's not interested Kaley, I know... He is just, like a guy, that recruited me. I seriously don't get any vibe from him."

"Did you look at him?"

"I saw him, but I was more focused on Karen," I said wondering if I had missed something.

"I watched him... I've seen that look Brea, there's more than a passing interest. My opinion," she said not laying it on all that thick.

"I need a reset and a refocus, not do another fling... Plus, anything with him would be complicated. I'm not...," I sighed, "I'm not ready to put myself out there and get what I got with Tyler..."

"Pretty sure this guy has his shit together... But, stick with the plan. Reset - Refocus. So, we eating room service or what?"

"Yeah, stick with the plan. And, 'Yes', I'm buying room service - the menu is right behind you..."

I watched her pick up the menu, "Oooo, why do Chili Cheese Steak Fries sound good?"

"Sounds like a disgusting to me...," I said laughing, she giggled a bit also.

OK, reset, refocus, eat, get a nap, get some loving from mom, get down to the stage, and sing my ass off! There's no right way to do this Transgender thing, I needed to believe that more than I have lately. I also needed to forgive myself for shit I couldn't control and not take every misstep as a crushing blow to everything I've worked so hard to accomplish during my transition.

Was it like this for others transitioning? It had to be, I can't be the only one feeling adrift or disconnected. As logical as all my inner pep-talk was - it was easier said than done. Truth - I was giving way too much power over my self-perception to society and not enough validation of who I am or who I was meant to be to myself. This competition was a huge opportunity to be visible, to show all Transgendered people were valid - even in this CIS-narrative society we lived in. Reset, refocus, believe in yourself...

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 5:06 PM
Mom, Bill and Charles, and Kaley were all in my room from about 4:00 PM until just a few minutes ago. I kept saying I was going to be late and they all know it is a major pet-peeve of mine! I hate, hate, hate being late! Got them out of the room by leaving myself. Plenty of hugs and well wishes - which I love and appreciate from them - but I was late!

When I entered the stage area I got several looks from those running the show, Karen Cole even came up to me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine, but got stuck with my family trying to wish me luck over the past hour. I assured her I was good to go... I wondered if I sounded more sure of that than I felt inside. Then it struck me, did everyone know about my confrontation with Jennifer? Is that why I'm getting the stink-eye for being a couple minutes late? I hoped the world wasn't aware of what happened this afternoon. Augh... If they did - nothing I could do about it... Refocus, breathe...

Karen handed me the order for tonight's performances, I was up second. I looked the list over, Dana was leading off, I was next, then Lisa, Michelle, Carlie, and Wyatt ending the show. I looked at the order thinking whoever put it together might have done so purposely - Wyatt at any other position than last would blow everyone else's chance at even being considered - that is - if he was on like he was last night. Then it occurred to me - was this order a reverse of the way we placed last night? Sure, Wyatt won the night hands down. Carlie and Michelle - could easily be a tossup for which of those two came in second and third. Lisa? Did she outperform Dana? Or me? Okay, maybe this wasn't a reverse order thing from last night. It still didn't change the fact Wyatt performing in any other slot than last would hose the rest of us - be happy you're not following him. Grrr! Focus! It doesn't matter who's performing in what order! I've got one shot at this...

"There's an open chair in makeup with your name on it Breanna...," Karen said, taking the list she'd handed me back and interrupting my trying to read more into her list than was probably relevant.

"Oh, okay... Yeah, I'm performing second tonight... Cool... I'll a, I'll get in there... Thank you Karen...," I replied more nervous than I expected. Augh! Reset! Try breathing you goof-ball!

Thursday, March 29th 6:44 PM
Getting through makeup and hair, then dressed, was much easier tonight than it had been last night. Maybe the unknown made it harder last night. Or maybe nerves played a big part of it? Tonight, getting ready was a breeze. Did it get easier for professionals performing nightly or on the road? This certainly was nothing like the amateur night performances I'd been doing over the past year... Nothing like those! Especially in the nerves department.

Was tonight easier because I knew what was coming? I'm seriously nervous, but somewhat okay with that - why? What is my subconscious hiding or protecting me from? AUGH! Let it go... Concentrate on something else! Like - we're about to perform to a sold out, seven hundred plus crowd, and three of the six of us were going to get some serious accolades and three of us would get a nice pat on the back for our efforts. Augh... Great pep talk Brea... Black plague much? Want a measles popsicle? Whoa... I am not focused AT ALL!

I hated the sitting around waiting, hated the idle chit chat going on in the 'Green' room with the other contestants. My mind was doing some serious wondering - from worry to senseless thoughts. Measles popsicle? Where the hell did that come from?! Go over the lyrics, stage presence will be key, do some warm-up vocal exercised... Concentrate!

I looked across the room at Dana and Wyatt talking quietly - what about those two? Both had been sitting in here the longest. Why didn't they look nervous? What did it take for them to get ready? Probably less than thirty minutes. They just needed some light makeup, so as not to look pale on stage, a quick comb-out, and then to get dressed. Heck, Wyatt didn't even need hair - he was wearing a damn cowboy hat! They certainly coasted through getting ready for tonight... Men! Of course they likely knew what it was like for us women though...

I couldn't help but feel like I over did it and over thinking what I was wearing for my performance tonight. Why did I think copying Linda Perry' look from her video for 'What's Up?' was a good idea? I had it all - the distressed Doc Martin boots - in black, not brown (my own pair - so they were worn in and SUPER comfortable), the white tube socks peeking out from above them, the heart patterned white boxers, black t-shirt, gaudy lite house coat over it all, nose ring and assorted jewelry, red - extremely red neon lipstick, ratty dreadlocks wig, and of course that signature grunge like leather hat with goggles - made popular at the time by the video... This look would amp up the vibe from the song and I hoped it was going to work. Would people wondering if this a costume contest? Grrr!!!

Carlie was the only one who knew what I was singing just by looking at me when I entered the 'Green' room. The others had heard of the song - after I told them - but being as young as they were had no idea what the video for the song looked like. Hell, I was as young as most of these people, but I had seen plenty of videos for classic songs like 'What's Up?'. Geesh! Do these people appreciate all music or just their little corner of it?

Carlie being the senior in the group explained how she knew what I was trying to accomplish and that she liked my song choice. I think she was being earnest, but a few others who commented made me wonder - was singing this song a mistake? This song was popular before I was born - was that going to matter? Why did any other song seem like a better choice right now? God, help me...

Vibes? Song vibes, people vibes... Why was I so nervous?! The vibe between Wyatt and I - totally good. Not awkward at all - at least that's how I felt. We exchanged some small talk, he told me he was singing Tom Petty's 'Free Fallin' - and true to form it would have country roots laid on it. He was even going to play guitar! The rest of us we were so screwed... If the band was on and he did half as good a job singing Petty as he did last night singing the Eagles - might as well make out that check to him right now.

He acted interested in my "classic" - his words - song choice. I was pretty sure his song was released years before mine and I made sure to point that out. The banter was a good stress relieving moment and we got a good laugh outta ribbing each other about who's song would be lost on a younger audience. Could I date him? No, he was serious 'friend' material - not love interest... Friends did grow into lovers though. No, no way I'd move to Nashville. I wondered what it would be like to sing a duet with him... We'd probably kill it!

Dana? Short of 'Hi, how are you?' - we barely spoke. Tense? No, but uncomfortable something, something going on? Yup! I had more sidebar conversations with Lisa, Carlie, and Michelle - with fifty times more content and genuine feelings, interest - than I had with Dana. Was it me or was it Dana? Was I putting out vibes toward him that said, 'Stay away...'? Had he talked to Tyler? Fuck... I don't care! Not going there... Refo...

"Dana, Breanna... You two are up. Let's get you mic'd up," a stagehand said from the 'Green' room entrance. He walked over to the TV and flipped it on - everyone stopped talking and was watching him. I just wanted to get this over with, to throw my nervous energy toward performing - anything - just not sitting here aimlessly thinking about stupid shit! Time to do this! I stood, so did everyone else who was sitting, and Dana and I got hugs and well wishes from everyone. Dana even wished me luck. I returned the sentiment, but inside I was hoping I could beat him! I can beat you! I WILL beat you! Breathe...

Thursday, March 29th 7:01 PM
When Leza Howell took the stage the applause was thunderous and would not stop! Even with the IEM's in my ears I couldn't hear anything but the roar. It was energizing and frightening, all at the same time. From where I was standing off-stage I could see her waving, bowing, and raising her hands to quiet the audience - was she nervous at all? Did being front and center give her any anxiety at all? I couldn't emcee an event like this. I'm not even sure how I could sing in front of a crowd and it didn't tip me over. Singing was different, right?

Eventually the applause died down and Leza jumped into a speech extolling the event as validation for all, especially those who were Transgendered. I got serious chills, goose bumps, when she exclaimed - "We are valid and we will not be erased! Our rights won't be taken without a fight!" The audience went crazy again and after sixty seconds calmed down enough for her to continue. She explained the competition - including the twenty-thousand dollar first place prize; ten-thousand dollars for second; five-thousand for third, named all of us in the finale, and ended her announcement by announcing the first finalist - Dana Warnick. The applause - insane again and I watched Dana walk center stage full of confidence. I can beat you, I will beat you tonight...

When the music began playing, it took me a couple seconds to fully recognize what he was going to be singing - Justin Bieber', 'What Do You Mean?'. When Dana started singing, my heart sank...

Thursday, March 29th 7:08 PM
The audiences reaction to his performance was no less spirited than that given to Wyatt after his performance last night. Dana could have put a mannequin of Bieber on stage, sang from behind a curtain, and the audience would have thought Bieber was doing an impromptu concert for this Transgender Day of Visibility event. Combine his obvious singing ability; with his ability to work the stage; his dancing - the man could dance; and actually sitting on the edge of the stage and singing to the front row full of women - who went bat-shit crazy - he absolutely put himself in the top three with that performance.

My nerves, anxiety, and even some dread were trying their best to come up from my stomach. Breathe... I tried humming warm-up exercises, shaking my hands at my side, bending at the waist a couple of times for good measure - all in an attempt to re-center myself. The applause went on and on - very distracting... Leza Howell was on stage saying something, then I heard in my EIM's someone saying something - I looked around and caught a wave from Brian at the sound board.

"You good?"

I nodded and gave Brian a thumbs up.

"You got this... Go rock them," he said smiling from across the stage.

There was no way he could hear me, so I again gave him a thumbs up and a smile. I heard my name being announced by Leza and felt a pat on my back from the stage hand standing next to me letting me know I was on. I started the long walk towards my condenser microphone, the applause - was like walking into gale force winds. This is insane! Like nothing I could even capture in words. The rush, the energy... Breathe...

When I got to the microphone and held it, the applause began to wane, and I heard Brian count down from three, two... The music began and the applause faded... The songs intro is pretty distinct and long - twenty eight seconds long to be exact. Distinct like my outfit. It was too late to switch songs... Would they know this song? I looked around the theaters, smiled... I can do this! Breathe...

Two, eight, dozens, then hundreds of flash lights on cell phones lit up in the crowd and began swaying left and right during the intro. OMG! They feel it! They know... Go! "Twenty-five years and my life is still... Trying to get up that great big hill... Of hope for a destination..."

When I got to the part of the verse, 'What's going on?!', the audience was fully engaged and singing with me and not so quietly either. It totally lifted me and I could feel my heart swell with joy. They sang the chorus with me and quieted down for me to nail the, "Ooo... Ooo, Ooo, Ooooo...", before the next verse which required power and punch, "And I try, oh, my God, do I try... I try all the time... In this institution... And I pray, oh, my God, do I pray... I pray every single day... For revolution!" The growl, rasp was pitch perfect, and I knew I was in the zone!

The audience was right there still - singing along, lights from phones swaying in a sea of seats in the dark of the theater... By the time I hit the second chorus I went for it, walking with the microphone to the edge of the stage and held it out for the audience and they did not disappoint. It was DEAFENING - they were singing along! I let them get one leg of the final chorus in, before pulling the microphone back and hitting the right tone, notes, and power to bring the song to a close. It all ended so quickly, "Twenty-five years and my life is still... Trying to get up that great big hill... Of hope for a destination..." softly, but no one heard it due to the applause.

That row of woman swooning over Dana at stage side - rushed the stage and since I was standing right there I walked the line of them - exchanging high-fives! When I finished Leza Howell was saying something about me and the applause and chants brought on those chills and goose bumps again. I bowed deep, waved, and headed off stage.

"Jesus! That was fucking amazing!" It was Brian in my IEM's...

I smiled towards Brian at the sound booth, waved, and made my way through the backstage maze to the 'Green' room. I was congratulated by everyone, getting hugs, and pats on the back as soon as I entered the room. The talk revolved around the crowd, how the song moved them, and how the volume rose when I held the microphone out for them to sing. Lisa told me I would certainly make it in the top three. Wyatt said I was the one to beat and that microphone move was cheating. He was kidding of course and we laughed about it. Even with the laughing, I'm pretty sure his competitive nature was bristling a little, maybe he was a little worried now. I smiled a huge smile at no one in particular. I don't think I've ever felt like this - ever! No doubts, no questioning, I never wanted this feeling to go away...

Thursday, March 29th 7:51 PM
I was anxious for this competition to be over. Pretty sure everyone else was feeling the same way. The tension had taken over the room - even after the stress of performing was past all of us. It was hard to tell who was leading this thing - so many on point performances! Augh... Everyone was still polite and supportive, but we were pretty much done - put a fork in us already!

The PBS people and their cameras - SO OVER THIS SHIT. Leza Howell did her best between performances to get a couple softball questions thrown at each of us and to not be annoying - but she was annoying. We all knew this was part of this show - but it didn't make it any easier trying not to look annoyed while coming down from the high we had performing just moments before the PBS inquisition. I wasn't going to miss PBS and hoped they didn't edit any of us in a bad light. Yeah, we were so done with this competition - no doubt about it...

Lisa, Michelle, and Carlie all nailed their performances and by my scorecard I was second behind Carlie. Who was third? I didn't care - Michelle sang Ariana Grande' 'No Tears Left to Cry' and it was perfect for her. Did she beat Dana? My bias right now said, 'Yup!'. So if Wyatt won this thing, that means we all slid one place down - I could pull off third. I doubted I did better than Carlie... I was sure I beat Dana though.

The 'Green' room quieted down as Wyatt began strumming his guitar on the TV. The audience on cue exploded again and that caused Wyatt to look over his shoulder toward the band and nod - meaning he wanted to cruise through the intro a second time. Smart, because the first couple lines of the song would have been drown out by the applause. Did the audience know what was coming? Yup, that was evidenced by the tiny lights shining from cell phones in the audience swaying back and forth. Dana didn't get that treatment, but everyone else did. I know I beat him, I know it!

When Wyatt did begin singing, the whole room sighed. Not in a mean way or even anything audible or perceptible - but you could feel it. We all pretty much knew that whatever position we thought we were in - add one to that because Wyatt just knocked us all down a notch. Good for Wyatt - this was a singing competition and everyone did their best to win it - he was just a little bit better than the rest of us. I wasn't upset that he was likely going to win this thing - I just wished I could sing as well as he was singing right now... I could be happy with third place and five-grand. I smiled, enjoying Wyatt's performance - I even caught myself humming along...

Thursday, March 29th 8:02 PM
When Wyatt returned to the 'Green' room he was mobbed. It was actually pretty heartwarming, like we were all part of a family or super close knit. He was modest about his performance and the assumption by everyone that he'd just won the entire thing. Everyone's attitudes lifted a little - likely because we were DONE! Only thing left was to see where we place.

Besides Wyatt's voice obviously being the deciding factor, his rearrangement of each of the songs to fit his country persona - he was the only one of us to play an instrument while performing. That had to weigh in his favor - even though it was a singing competition. He walked the stage singing into a wireless microphone, playing that guitar, and looking very Garth Brooks like. I could barely play the piano - no way I would have attempted to sing some song while trying to single finger bang out the right keys. I wouldn't have made the first cut!

"Okay, let's go...," a stagehand said from the doorway.

Everyone fell silent and there were a few quick hugs between those waiting to hear their fate. I hugged Wyatt and whispered in his ear, "You totally deserve this..."

"You do too, Brea," he replied squeezing me a little tighter.

I was happy there wasn't any awkwardness between us, "Okay, let's go soak up some applause..."

Thursday, March 29th 8:14 PM
"Who won," Leza Howell prodded the audience playfully.

Names were shouted and all melted into one long jumble of screams and howls. The six of us standing anxiously on stage could only just stare out into the dark and smile. I could feel Wyatt squeeze my hand a few times, I looked towards him and shouted, "You nervous?"

He laughed, shaking his head 'Yes'.

"I have... Yes, I know I love them too," Leza played with the crowd, "I have the official results right here! Let's get to it..."

Applause rang out and so did chants for Wyatt, Carlie, and I might have even heard my name. I was having serious heart palpitations and I could feel the sweat under my dreadlocks wig. We watched as Leza opened the envelop handed to her by Karen Cole...

"In third place... Dan Warnick!"

The audience went ballistic, cheering, clapping, whistling, it was ear shatteringly LOUD! The front row women who'd swooned over Dana rushed the stage as he took center stage after accepting an envelope - which likely contained his check. He bowed and waved, clapping back to his front row admirers clamoring to get his attention.

My heart sank after hearing his name and a small lump formed in my throat. I was sure I had out performed him, I sang better, I know I did... Sure, he danced and moved all over the stage, but this was a voice competition! I felt Wyatt squeeze my hand, but I didn't look at him. I didn't want to cry, but it was taking everything I could to hold back the tears.

Leza waved at the audience, "Second place... Carlie Brooks!" As expected there was a repeat of the explosion of applause Dana had just gotten. Cheering... Envelope delivery, Carlie hugging Dana center stage. How could Dana have beaten me?

My ears were ringing, buzzing, and to say I was disappointed wouldn't capture how far I'd just fallen after hearing Carlie's name. Did she deserve second - absolutely. I just couldn't resolve losing to Dana. Would Bill agree? Was I off some how? Was it a mistake to dress as I had? What if I...

"And the winner of the first Transgender Day of Visibility singing competition is... Wyatt Stiller!"

Wyatt pulled me to him and hugged me. I had heard his name called and tried to be excited for him, but my brain was stuck in a rut. I yelled, "Congratulations!" and kissed him on the cheek - but inside I felt hollow. Wyatt left us to go accept his envelope, but before heading to center stage he came back to Lisa, Michelle, and I - hugged and kissed each of us on the cheek - then joined Dana and Carlie. He shook Dana's hand, but hugged and kissed Carlie. Was that a message? The three of them took a final bow, but Wyatt turned back towards us and waved us forward. That resulted in a big group hug, everyone holding hands and bowing together...

We all did one last round of waves and clapping towards the audience and as a group we left the stage. Leza Howell was building up the crowd, thanking them for attending and their support, and inviting them to the after party. I tried to tune out everything. Not exactly how this was supposed to play out...

Thursday, March 29th 8:38 PM
In the dressing room I ditched the dreadlock wig, leather hat and goggles, nose ring and assorted jewelry, and funky house coat that were a part of my outfit. It took a few minutes to get my hair to look something other than flat - which matched my mood perfectly - in the end it was acceptable enough to join mom and the others at the after party.

I glanced at my phone, the messages were all the same - "Bullshit!" - except from mom. She said I was absolutely perfect tonight and it's the best she's ever heard me sing. She added it gave her chills when the audience sang along and that she loved me and couldn't wait to see me. My feeling like I was going to cry had passed - now I just felt like hitting someone... I was anxious to hear Bill's assessment of the performances.

This was a disappointing ending. Should I have switched songs around? Would tonight's performance been enough last night to get me to the finals? Would I have fared better tonight singing 'Toxic'? Maybe I missed judged the appeal of those songs? Augh... I'll never know, but I would pay to see the judges score cards.

Unlike last night we were left to make our way there on our own. No grand entrance, no table setup for greeting people - just come party with everyone. I had to take a step back and look to the root of this event - visibility for those who were Transgendered. Take the high road... Let this performance go.

When I exited the dressing room I had to go past the 'Green' room to get out of here. As I passed it I could see the PBS crew and Leza Howell interviewing tonight's winners. I didn't bother to hang around, though it looked like Michelle was watching. I needed to be with my peeps right now - not give a speech about how I felt about the competition. I hoped after the interview of the winners PBS packed up their cameras. I grinned as I exited the backstage door - ya think they want to hear what I think about Dana right now?

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Thursday, March 29th 8:43 PM
The after party was more like an after dance than a gathering of all the contestants being made available for the audience to schmooze with. With how I was feeling about the competition right now that was kind of a relief. I didn't think I had it in me to smile while people told me I should have won or placed. What was I doing here?!

Up front in the Grand Cayman banquet room was a DJ with a full complement of speakers blasting the Jonas Brothers 'Sucker' song at the moment. The far wall had finger food and three 'No Host' bars. The banquet room was easily half filled with audience members and the music was so loud I could barely hear myself think! Nope, not hanging out here! I've fulfilled my obligations to this contest and I'm done...

I pulled my phone out and texted Kaley, "Where are U?"

She replied almost right away, "We're in line to get in. Taking forever!"

Me: "Not in the mood for this, meet me in the lobby?"

Kaley: "I'm sorry... K, CU in the lobby."

I need to...

I saw the mother and her daughter approaching me quickly, at first I was a little worried, but the mom smiling and her quick wave put me at ease - a little bit.

"You're Breanna Calloway," the mom shouted above the music blaring as she approached.

"Hi... Yes, that's what my mom decided my name should be," I replied trying not to shout, but be heard. I was wearing a name tag - that was going in the trash as soon as I got out of here.

"This is my daughter Elisa," she continued, "We didn't make it to the show last night and after your performance we really wanted to meet you. You're such an inspiration."

I could tell I was blushing and said the only thing I could think to say, "Thank you..." Of course having to shout it seemed rude, but it was a necessity.

"Would you mind taking a picture with Elisa," she asked leaning closer to me so I could hear her.

Elisa looked a bit embarrassed by the exchanged and I didn't want her to feel left out, "I love your hair. As you can tell, mine is flat because of the dreads I wore during my performance." Even though I was talking near a shout - my words seemed to hit a chord with her. She was smiling now.

"Thank you...," Elisa replied, "I know... We know you're busy and have others to talk too..."

I interrupted her, "I'm not busy and I'm happy to talk with you for as long as you'd like..." I hoped the shouting of that over the music came out right, like I wasn't mad or anything. Of course my mom and the others waiting for me in the lobby would probably wondering where I was, but hey - they'd understand.

"Elisa is seventeen and just started her transition, do you have any advice for her or is there something you did to make it easier for you," the mother asked.

Okay, not what I was expecting. I couldn't yell whatever words of wisdom I could pull out of five years of transitioning and thin air - so, "Let's step outside a second. The entrance for us is right over there," I motioned behind me, "It'll be quieter..."

They agreed and followed me to the door for staff and performers. Once out in the hall it was like we'd entered a tomb or something. My ears were ringing off the hook! I smiled at Elisa, who looked like she was trying to blink the ringing in her ears away. What do I say to this kid? What would I have wanted someone to tell me? "Well, first thing is you're not broken. Nothing about what you are doing is wrong or unnatural," I took a breath, "If you think about it - this really is a chance for you to reinvent yourself in the image you have of yourself in your heart and I'll bet you come out a better version on the other side. You can't be what others expect you are supposed to be in their minds and they have no right to project their expectations on you. The person you were is gone and while some of who that person was has molded you - change is natural. It's going to be hard. Anyone who says it's not is fooling themselves. Trust in you, your mom, and those who love you the most. That's pretty much how I make it out of bed everyday..." I had to stop because I felt like what I was saying was preachy. Was I preaching? Augh!

It happened so quickly I wasn't sure how to react, but Elisa came at me and was hugging me before I had a chance to react. I could feel her tiny heaves as she began crying, "Oh... Hey... Hey, now... You're going to be amazing," I got my hands to her arms and peeled her back slowly, "It's okay, don't be afraid to let go when your cup overflows. If you don't you'll go crazy. Trust me, I know, I've gone crazy plenty of times," I laughed a little, trying to focus on her eyes.

"Here..." Elisa's mom said handing her a tissue.

If this went on much longer I was going to need one of those. I smiled at Elisa, then at her mom, "See, you biggest supporter is right there... She'll keep you going in the right direction, right mom?"

"Oh, absolutely...," was Elisa's mom' reply.

Elisa did her best to not totally ruin the rest of her makeup with the tissue and even asked a few questions - thankfully easy ones. She asked how I could sing so beautifully, and in front of a crowd. I told her I had been doing it since I was very young and it was a passion and an escape. It also made being 'out' easier to deal with. There were a few questions her mom threw at me, but again easy ones. I encourage Elisa to be active in Transgender events and support groups and ended by giving her my Instagram and Twitter accounts. I also mentioned she could look me up on Facebook and I would happily follow her journey. Elisa and I took that picture she wanted - though her mom was kind of annoying with trying to get Elisa to smile 'just right'. I whispered to Elisa, "My mom is exactly the same way..." That seemed to put Elisa in a good space and we did a non-tearful hug. Even her mom hugged me - thanking me for taking the time to encourage Elisa and for being so kind.

I walked them back to the banquet room door and as I pulled it open we were slammed by a club mix of a DJ Kaled song I couldn't put a title too - Augh! Too freaking loud! I watched Elisa and her mom walk away. Arms around each other, no worse for the wear. Guess I paid some good forward. I could do that kind of exchange all day, all night. Oh, and no mention of winning tonight - BONUS!

I let the door go, turned around quickly, and almost ran into someone full on - shit! "Blake! Where did you come from," I exclaimed, shocked he was standing right behind me.

"Sorry, I was about to say, 'Hey Brea', but you turned around so quickly. I didn't mean to startle you," he said apologetically.

He had startled me, "What are you doing back here?" It sounded like I was complaining, but I was just trying to get my heart to slow down from the fright.

"I just left the theater and needed to come check on the catering and the bar. I saw you walking that mother and daughter to the banquet entrance, you weren't sneaking them in were you," Blake asked.

"No," I complained, "It was too loud in there to have a conversation so I brought them out here...," I explained.

"You not going back in," he asked looking towards the door.

I could smell his cologne and it smelled really good. Focus... Was there a vibe, something going on between us? Something is going on here - I'm feeling something... He shifted his head slightly as if he were wondering where I'd gone for a micro-second, "Honestly, not feeling like being in a crowd...," I wondered if he would consider what I had just said as an invite? Would I want to be alone with him? Yeah, but not if he isn't interested... Say something that makes me think you're interested. So much for being focused!

"Yeah, I think I get it," he said, "You should have placed second or third tonight, I'm sorry about that..."

What?! You don't think I could have won against Wyatt? Augh... No, you didn't get it - because if you had, you'd have said something like, 'Let's get out of here...' Now I was sure he wasn't interested. Mom and Kaley were wrong, there was no 'vibe' - what was I thinking. He's just the guy who recruited me and is too busy doing his job to pick up on... Augh! Stop! Be gracious and get out of here, "Thanks, I poured my heart into this competition. I learned a few things about myself. Thank you for roping me into it, I won't ever forget your kindness..." Okay, that's it, that's my farewell speech to you Mr. Schultz. So, say something polite back and I'll be on my way and you can be on your...

"You never did have that drink with me... You kind of owe me," he replied smiling

Huh? Did he really just say that? Wait, "No... I... I guess time just got away from us," I said quietly. Was he toying with me? Does he think I like him or something? How easy would it be to kiss him right now? Would he be repulsed? Was he pursuing me? Why can't I get a clear read on this guy?! Fuck! Focus!

"Well, this thing is going on until midnight, and I could slip out of closing the club. Would you like to get a drink later," he asked.

The ask made goosies on my arms rise and I felt a little chilled, short of breath... What do I do? Do I... Augh! "Okay, I owe you that drink... You wanna call me when you're free? Meet in the lobby or something? You have my number right," I asked. Why did I rattling all that off so quickly like a nervous school girl?! g'Augh!!!

He pulled out his phone, tapped a few icons, and turned the screen for me to see my name and number. That was a surprise. I considered asking him about it, but this wasn't the place - had I read him wrong? This is so confusing! Why did I feel tongue tied? Speak, say something! "Well, I'll be waiting for your call then...," I said with a smile. OMG! What is my deal?! Did I mean to sound coy, flirty?

"Excellent..." The door to the banquet room opened, music was blasting, and he looked past me. I turned to see a staff person waving at him a little urgently to come do something or help with something. "Hey, I gotta go, see you in a bit,"

Before I could say anything he was moving quickly towards the banquet room door. I hoped it wasn't some kind of protestor shit... OMG! I need to shower, change clothes... Vibe?

Thursday, March 29th 9:06 PM
My phone vibrated as soon as I rounded the corner from the banquet rooms hallway to the lobby. I looked at it, Kaley - 'Where RU?' I didn't need to answer because they saw me and headed my way.

I got a big hug from mom and a kiss on the cheek, "You were spectacular tonight. I don't know what those judges were thinking but they got it wrong."

I smiled, but inside I was a little angry about how it played out. I was sure I beat Lisa, and Michelle was amazing, but her stage presence was - no polite way to say this - boring. I actually felt bad for her - nerves probably got the better of her during that performance. "Thanks, mom...," I finally said.

Kaley, Bill, and Charles all got hugs and kisses. Kaley said I was 'robbed' and Charles actually cussed, then quickly apologized to mom - but pretty much said the same thing as Kaley. Bill was the last to chime in, "Look, I agree - you got ripped off. Straight up singing Dana versus you - pretty equal. Your performance was as good as I've ever heard you sing. Your breathing, projection, tone, control - Brea, you have never sung better I really mean that..."

"So how did he beat me," I asked trying to control the complaint in my voice I knew was draped over the ask.

"Truthfully, he didn't or he shouldn't have," Bill continued, "When he sat at the edge of the stage his ability to hold those notes he should have was compromised due to the compression of his diaphram while sitting. His tone, projection, all suffered. How the hell the judges didn't pick that up really makes me question their abilities."

I hadn't noticed a change in Dana's voice when he sat at the edge of the stage to swoon the women that rushed the stage, but if Bill said it affected his performance - it did. "I don't get it, was it that bad," I asked.

"Only thing I can think is the judges tuned out how he was singing and were captivated by what he was doing at the stage with those women," Bill conceded.

"That's such crap," Kaley injected. Charles echoed what she said, but used the word 'shit' instead. He apologized again to my mom, this time she told him she agreed with him - which got a few chuckles from everyone.

"I had stage presence," I complained.

"You doing that microphone thing with the audience was brilliant. Really smart, engaging. The audience singing along, the cell phones lighting up the theater," Bill stopped and shook his head, "I honestly don't get it - you were spot on and could have challenged for second place, to tell the truth."

Bill wasn't candy coating my performance. I think if he could play it back he'd find something I screwed up, but that nothing was glaringly wrong and him saying Dana's performance was flawed made me even more angry. "Well, I gave it my best shot. I would do this again, but without all the PBS documentary stuff..."

"You were perfect tonight honey," mom said putting an arm around me and squeezing me in a half hug.

"Thank moms... I really appreciate all the support and love from each of you," I said, hugging each of them again. Leave it to Charles to make it goofy - he encouraged everyone into a big group hug. That turned into us hugging and hopping around and just being silly. I'm sure people were wondering what drugs we were on.

When that was over Kaley asked, "What took you so long to get out of there?"

Oh boy... How to explain that. I started with the easy explanation - Elisa and her mom Q & A. Then, I mentioned Blake.

"Really..." mom and Kaley said in unison.

"Still think there isn't interest," mom asked with a knowing grin.

"It's not like that," I complained. I needed to move this conversation in another direction, "I'm just paying him back for 'our' lunch the other day."

I watched Bill lean in towards Kaley, "That's the stalker guy, right?"

"He's not a stalker," I complained, "He just... He just came at me wrong."

The conversation spiraled playfully out of control after that. Mom even suggesting Kaley tag along.

Kaley said, "I can come with... If you need the support." I shot her a look and a crooked smile as my answer.

Luckily the comedy team of mom, Kaley, Bill and Charles, cut me some slack and gave me a pass after their minor razing. Bill and Charles said their 'Good Nights' to all of us and headed towards the casino. Mom, did the same, but not before saying she expected a call when I got back to my room after my 'date'. I complained that it wasn't a 'date', but I knew not to argue and agreed to call. Our hug lasted a few seconds longer than I expected. When we broke, she kissed my forehead and said, "I'm so proud of you. Love you..."

"I love you too mom... Good night..." She stood there a second until I said, "I know... I'll call you, promise." She smiled and Kaley and I watched her head towards the elevators. All of us were on the same flight home tomorrow, so I would be seeing them all in the morning and get to relive my evening no doubt. Augh... Joy, joy!

Friday, March 29th 12:04 AM
Kaley and I had been working on making me presentable since we'd said good night to mom, Bill and Charles. While I showered Kaley was figuring out what I should wear from the minimal choices I had brought. A simple silk top, a floral print A-line skirt, and my new sandals were the best combination - why hadn't I brought more clothes? Kaley ran to her room and returned with the perfect sweater to complete my outfit when I complained I didn't have anything but a heavier jacket to wear in case I got cold. Whew!

While showering - not sure why I was in such a rush - I nicked my shin shaving and it bled like I'd cut an artery. While my skirt was just below the knee, the little nick looked like I had been attacked by a machete. Kaley said it was barely even noticeable and took one of my foam makeup wedges and blended my gaping wound (exaggeration from the drama queen I was being) so that it barely was visible after it had stopped bleeding. When I looked in the mirror of the closet slider, that's all I could see, not that my hair was looking better than it had all weekend, that my makeup - assist by Kaley - was so on point... No, I could only see my nicked up shin. The dysphoria gorilla had climbed recklessly up my back was perched precariously on shoulders. Augh!!!

Blake had called at 11:40 PM to say Karen Cole was going to handle the breakdown of the banquet facility and he was going to talk with his lead bartender in each of the clubs about closing them down. I had been dressed and ready since nearly 11:00 PM and stressing every choice I'd made right up until he called.

"Want to meet at midnight in the lobby," he asked. I agreed, but Kaley insisted I needed to be late - even though it was like grinding teeth for me or someone chewing gum with their mouth open. Being late was not in my DNA and as I rode the elevator down I was uncomfortable, nervous, and cheeked my shin for the hundredth time to see if it was oozing or bleeding. Nope... Let it go!

I exited the elevator to a mildly crowded lobby, which makes sense, the after party had just ended. I wasn't sad about missing out on those festivities. It was very unlikely anyone was going to recognize me since I wasn't in costume and NOT wearing a name tag. I looked around and didn't see Blake, but I did see Wyatt and walked over to where he was talking up a couple women who were giggling at something he had just said.

"Brea!" He looked like he wasn't feeling any pain and was talking pretty loud.

"Mr. Champion...," I said, hugging him and kissing his cheek. I got a couple looks from the two women standing there.

"Ladies, this is Brea, she was in the show tonight..."

"Really? I don't recognize... Wait, you sang 'What's Up?' - Oh! I loved it," exclaimed the first women. Her friend didn't look the least bit impressed.

"Thanks," I said feeling like I was a fourth wheel on a tricycle. I looked around the lobby again, still no Blake.

"You meeting someone," Wyatt asked, and followed that up by saying I looked very nice.

The question shouldn't have startled me, but it did. The compliment was a nice addition, but the look from Ms. Unimpressed spoke volumes. Why was I so nervous right now? "Yeah, I'm paying someone back by having a drink with them..."

"You going to the club? Come with us, that's where we're going... Or find us in there," Wyatt said taking both my shoulders while asking me to come - or maybe he was just trying to steady himself.

"I'm not sure what my date has planned," and having said that out loud I reiterated to myself what was the source of my nervousness - did I really think this was a date? Why couldn't I just think it was two people getting a drink? Was this going to lead to something more? There was NOT going to be a repeat of Tyler tonight.

This was futile! I told Kaley that, but she insisted I needed this. Like practicing for an interview - it will get better, easier... She said, 'Just keep him talking by asking him questions. Most guys like to talk...' Augh!

"We should go," the crankier of the two women said, "The line for the club looks pretty long..."

"Not to worry darl'n, they have a couple tables reserved for us already," Wyatt said taking the arms of the two women and started walking towards the club, "Come find us Brea," he shouted over his shoulder.

Guess we're done here I thought to myself with a chuckle. That boy is feeling no pain for sure! I scanned the lobby again and not seeing Blake, I headed towards one of the couches in the lobby to watch for him and do a little people watching.

Friday, March 29th 12:11 AM
As soon as I sat down I saw them exit the elevators and turn towards the casino. Dana was a few steps behind Tyler and Jennifer - he saw me, but the two love birds hadn't. I shook my head, he replied in kind and shrugged. As much as I wanted that pound of flesh from Tyler - he and his girl deserved each other.

Nothing I could say would register and in the long run I didn't need any more stress before Blake showed up. Can't fix ignorance or stupidity. I pulled my phone and texted Kaley, "Just saw Tyler and Jennifer... So in LOVE!"

Kaley: "I'm coming down there...," she replied almost instantly.

Me: "Don't bother. They didn't see me and honestly I'm over it. Bitch looks like she's already forgiven him. Love - f'n scary!"

Kaley: "RU w/ Blake?"

Me: "No, he's late! lol"

Kaley: "I'm coming down there...," she added a frowning face emoji.

Me: "I'm fine, if he stands me up we can go do something..."

Kaley: "K, but not before I track his ass down and light him up for ditching you!"

Me: "Thanks... O - IC him! OK..."

Kaley: "Relax... Questions!"

I didn't get a chance to reply before he was standing right in front of me, "I'm so sorry, couple staffing problems. I should have texted you, but thought I could break free sooner... Have you been waiting long?"

He looked genuinely flustered about being late, did he have the same 'late' affliction as I did? I smiled to set his mind at ease, "No, pretty much just sat down..." Of course I'd been late myself - on purpose; had a nice conversation with Wyatt - debatable; looked around for you no less than a dozen times - did I mention I was late; had to deal with one grumpy bitch - wanting me gone so she could hang with Wyatt; and got to see a major bit of angst for me this weekend in my favorite power couple of Tyler and Jennifer. I decided to not share that with him.

"Okay, good... I am sorry Brea."

Was there something about how he said my name that made me feel connected somehow? No, he's putting his heart on his sleeve that's all. Does that mean he cares? Augh... Don't jump to conclusions. Be reserved, let him lead, that's how you'll get a read on this guy. "I'm fine Blake, I was just about to watch people. Looks like the audience from the show decided to hang out. You guys did a really good thing here with this competition...," I said as a flush feeling spread over my face. What is my deal?

"Let me ask you this," he said with a boyish smirk, "How adventurous are you feeling right now?"

Adventurous? Ah, I'm not going midnight white river rafting, bungee jumping, skinny dipping in the hotel pool - not happening. His question was intriguing though, "I might be up for most things, but dressed like this there's a lot I'm not going to want to do...," I said smiling and certainly interested.

"How about people watching, but from a different prospective?"

Okay, now I'm curious, "What do you have in mind?"

"Do you trust me?"

Instantly I thought of the Aladdin movie - when he offered to take the princess on a magic carpet ride. Where the hell did I dig that reference up from? I studied his face while trying to decide what my answer was going to be. Yeah, I trusted him not to abduct me or have something sinister in mind. I could feel the adrenaline shot to my system as I tried to figure out what he had in mind. Okay, I'm game Mr. Schultz, "What do you have in mind," I asked with a hint of a smile and raised eyebrow.

"Well," he began, "We'd have to get out of here and it's maybe a fifteen minute drive, but I think it's worth it."

"Okay, but what is it you want to go do," I asked, now really curious.

"People watch...," he replied.

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Friday, March 29th 12:38 AM
The nerves and anxiousness I was feeling about meeting Blake were tossed right out the window and replaced by an all-consuming curiosity about where we were going. He played on that curiosity during the entire walk to his car, which was parked in the hotels underground parking garage. It was fun, and I really didn’t mind him dropping random hints about where we were going - none of which gave me any clues. Was this all part of his evil plan, drive me crazy with wonder? If it was, well it was working! I was still nervous and feeling a little anxious though, but my mind was more locked on to the question – WHERE ARE WE GOING?!!!

We had been driving now for ten minutes and he wasn’t giving me much to go on, other than repeating his spiel about watching people from a different prospective. Yeah, got that already - not telling me so much Blake, thank you very much… At first I thought we were going to another hotel or something, but when we left the Grand Cayman and turned off the main drag after a block – that idea went out the window also. Maybe if I didn't press I could trick him into telling me what he had in mind, “This is a nice car, have you had it long,” I asked.

“Thanks, I’m enjoying it. It’s a lease and depending on the deal I can get at the end I might consider purchasing it. Got it last year…”

By the logo on the hood and on the steering wheel I knew it was an Acura, but wasn’t familiar with the model, “Is this a TL?”

“Nah, ILX… You know what they want for a TL lease? Stupid money, half a mortgage payment,” he said chuckling.

“Well, if you want to get into something American made I might be able to help you.” I smiled in the dimness of the car thinking he’d have to be willing to come to San Diego to work that one out. Would he?

“Pretty sure this thing is made in the US Brea,” he said looking right at the stop sign we were at, then turned left, “You enjoy working for Cambridge Chevrolet?”

Interesting, he remembered where I worked? Maybe he saw my application for the contest, that’s probably how he knew where I worked - no, I told him that the morning I called to accept his offer to join the competition. “Kaley’s parents have treated me pretty good over the past couple years. She’s my boss and friend, so that makes work a bit more fun,” I thought about how that might have sounded and added, “It’s got its pressures though.” Would he think I was making an excuse about being friends with the owner’s daughter? Augh! Quit over thinking everything! Ask questions, ask him questions…

“I imagine trying to convince someone during their financing that they should buy an extended warranty is a tough sell.”

Okay, now you are showing off – offering up details about my actual job so casually. Does that mean something? Do you know more about me than you are letting on… We were passing a large mall with a nearly empty parking lot – nope, we’re not going to a mall. That’s a dumb thought, like it would be open this late… I really have no idea where we are exactly, but I did catch the name of the multi-lane road we were on – Rancho Drive.

Say something, ask him a question, “The process is scripted by Chevrolet and while most people think the extended warranty and maintenance plans aren’t necessary – I do show them statistics and costs for repairs. Being able to roll the cost of that into the payment and only marginally increasing it gives most a piece of mind.” Augh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I’m not trying to sell him something! Where are we going?!

“That works,” he asked skeptically.

Breathe… Get back on track, “I’ve hit my sales goals all but once in the last year. The bonus money is nice…,” I said looking towards him, his face subtly illuminated by the dash board lights. He was focused on the road – what are you thinking? Do you know how good your cologne smells? What do you have planned? You aren’t going to slip up and tell me where we’re going, are you? You know I’m trying to… The car slowed, turned right onto Airport Drive, and the large sign said – ‘North Las Vegas Airport’. What are we doing at an airport? This isn’t the main Vegas airport, is it?

“That’s cool you’ve got a bonus structure. Mine is a pain in the ass. Took three months of riding my staff to finally get my first one, but the next month I missed on both labor and liquor costs. Fixed a few things and I’ve nailed costs now two months in a row…”

I couldn’t contain my curiosity any longer, “Are we at an airport for a reason?”

“You worried,” he asked smiling at me.

“No, but I’m wondering a lot of things right now…” That wasn’t an exaggeration. Did I sound worried? Annoyed? Contain your frazzled self, relax…

“Come on Brea,” he said light heartedly, “How are we going to get a different…”

I interrupted him, “Are we going…”

He interrupted me right back, “Yeah…”

“Like in a plane?”

“Yeah…,” he said parking near a building which had a sign that said, ‘Bret Corte Aeronautics’.

I could see several planes sitting a hundred feet or so away, “So… You know someone who’s going to fly us? Like, this late at night?” I’m sure I sounded pretty confused right now.

“No…,” he said turning the car off.

“Okay, I’m confused…”

“Well, let’s go see if we can clear away some of that confusion…”

Friday, March 29th 12:46 AM
Blake was incredibly patient with me and answered every one of my rapid-fire questions about what he intended on doing here tonight – which was flying us around Las Vegas. I must have looked skeptical, because he asked if I wanted to go. Aaaa... Yes! Are you kidding?! I answered him showing a little more excitement than I intended. I’m pretty sure I was blushing a few times during my Q&A session. My questions were:

How long have you been flying? “I’ve been flying for just over three years now.”

Do you have a license? “Of course… Would you like to see it?”

Whose plane is this? “I’m part of a, how do I explain this? The plane is like a time-share, I own 1/26th of it and can use it when it’s available and I can reserve it for a week each year. Cost me about five-grand to join - I bought in from a previous owner. I pay two-hundred a month to use it and keep it maintained and I have to pay for gas after using it.”

What kind of plane is it? “It’s a Cessna 170 SP. Has about a seven-hundred-mile range. It’s very easy to fly.”

How often do you fly? “I try to get up at least twice, three, four times a month, though a lot of that depends on if she’s booked or not. Luckily, she’s not used much or in the shop, so availability is rarely a problem. I fly more at night than the day-light hours because of my job... Catching the sunrise is pretty cool.”

I walked around the plane with him as he did his pre-flight inspection. He moved the thing up and down on the wings and back and forth at the tail. I was sure there were technical terms for these thing, but I didn’t know what he was doing or checking for so to me he was checking a ‘thingy’ or a 'Whatcha ma-call-it'. He kicked the tires – removed the chocks and tie-downs from the wings, looked into the engine compartment, and then unlocked the doors.

Next came getting me buckled in and set up with headphones. “You good,” he asked after I was buckled in securely - which he helped me with and he leaned in close enough that I got a very good whiff of that cologne. When he was helping with the headphones adjusted it would have been so easy, so natural to just lean in and kiss him... Be still my beating heart! Did he know the effect he was having on me?!

“Yeah,” I finally replied nervously, hoping he knew I was excited and not worried or afraid. I sat there looking around the four-seat plane – took a deep breath and smiled as he shut the door. He made sure it latched and gave me a ‘thumbs up’. I nodded, a big smile on my face. There was a steering wheel in front of me and pedals on the floor. Pretty sure I wasn’t going to be using those, especially if he didn’t want us to crash. The dashboard was full of gauges, dials, switches, and indicator lights. Why were there so many doodads to keep track of?

I felt giddy, with a huge dose of child-like excitement pounding in my heart. I’m getting to see Vegas at night from, I had no idea how many feet up we were going, an airplane! We were going to fly around the greater Vegas area in an airplane! AAAAHHHHH!!! How cool was this?! Blake opened the door on his side and noticed the perma-grin on my face, “You look like you’re already enjoying this…”

“This is pretty damn cool, I’m not gonna lie…”

“I’m glad you’re down for this…,” he said getting seated and situated. He opened a bag he’d brought - pulling out an iPad. He tapped the screen, unlocked it, and set about pulling some app up. When he was satisfied he slide it into a sleeve with straps and attached it to his leg, “In flight app,” he began, “Weather, wind, air traffic,” he tilted the display so I could see it. I nodded, big smile on my face like I was full of laughing gas from the dentist office. Get a grip! No, this was cool!

He explained a few other things, specifically the ‘open’ microphone when switched on to communicate with the tower or other planes. I got the point he was trying to make – not a good idea to say stupid stuff when others might be listening. He showed me where the switch was that kept our conversation between us and the setting for when we were broadcasting. The last thing was letting me know the controls in front of me were inert unless he switched them over to me. Okay, I didn’t have to worry about accidentally knocking the pedals or steering wheel – which he called a ‘yoke’. I’d heard that before, yoke, but still thought of it as a steering wheel.

“You ready,” he asked.

“Oh yeah…”

“Let’s get this show on the road then…,” he looked at a list he’d attached to the yoke, “Brakes – test and hold; shutoff valve in; circuit breakers – check; trim on; avionics master switch on; throttle open quarter inch; auxiliary pump on…”

The little light coming from the instrument panel flickered and a buzzing noise filled the quiet cockpit – I jumped, “What’s that?”

“Nothing to worry about, all part of getting her in the air…,” he said sounding sure of himself.

He continued speaking aloud his checklist items, checking fuel and even tapping a gauge with his finger – I have no idea why. When he was done he was holding a red knob in his right hand and turned the key with his left. The quiet still of the night was instantly gone as the engine came to life and vibrated my body like a car going down an old gravel road. The cockpit was illuminated a lot more by the instrument panel - now that power was being supplied to all the gauges and stuff. Blake continued with checking gauges with the engine running, adjusted something called ‘the mixture’, and reported the engine temperature was low - I hoped that was a good thing. I sat there wide-eyed and curious about everything happening around me. Seriously, how freak'n cool is this!!!

I watched him flip a switch and smiled even more as I heard his voice through the headphones, “Alright, wanna check that there’s a solid light out there on your wing tip?”

I looked towards the end of the wing, “I see a light…” Everything sounded odd through the communications system, his voice childlike pretend communications system funny. I was smiling so much I swear my face was going to start hurting.

“Okay, let me,” he put his hand on my seat and started to lean my way. My heart froze for a second thinking he was about to kiss me., but he was just glancing behind us, “We have a tail light…,” he announced. I watched him pop of the window open slightly and look to see if the light on the bottom of the plane flashing – I could see it flashing without having to crane my neck – but I’m sure he was being diligent.

AAHHH! How cool is this! OMG!!

“Alright, you’re officially my co-pilot this evening. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of roughly twelve-thousand feet and at about one-hundred and twenty-five miles per hour. Unfortunately, there will be no in-flight beverage service this evening – unless you snuck a couple little bottles from your room out of the hotel….”

I giggled, “Thank you captain… This is pretty cool, I’m impressed...”

“You’re very welcome… I’m glad you’re enjoying this so far.”

Without warning the plane began to move and I looked around as if we had just stolen the damn thing. Surprisingly the vibrations running through the plane seemed to smooth out, though the engine was a little louder. I didn’t see anyone chasing us, so this must be a legit…

“Alright, I’m going to check-in with the tower and then announce to McCarren my intentions,” he looked down at the now dimmed iPad, “Skies look pretty clear, so we won’t be in anyone’s way.” He took my hand and gave it a quick squeeze, then flipped a switch on the instrument panel, “VGT – N4034V request 30L departure, taxi now…”

“N4034V – cleared, 30 Left H, crosswind 5, Northwest 3-1-0, flight plan route recorded, safe travels…”

“Thank you VGT…,” Blake flipped the switch again, “Okay, we’re good to get out of here – just need to ping McCarren. Still good over there?”

“Yup…” I had all this nervous energy and no outlet! Why did I have this overwhelming urge, want to kiss him?! Should I? Like, as a thank you? No... Wait until we land.

Switch flipped, “LAS – N4034V departure, Northwest 3-1-0, VFR…”

There was a long delay and as soon as I looked at Blake questioning what was taking so long, McCarran replied, “Confirmed… N4034V, Northwest 3-1-0, VFR…”

Okay, that was short and to the point. Blake flipped the switch, so it was just us talking, “I probably woke someone up over there. I mean it’s late, that guy sound cranky to you?”

“Yeah, I was wondering why there wasn’t much to say from them…” I mean, the guy could have said all kinds of crap and I would have still been like, ‘WOW! I’m going flying in an airplane!!’.

Blake checked his iPad, “Nothing close up there… Think a Southwest flight is the closest jet out there and it’s a good hundred-twenty miles away…”

In my head I was screaming ‘LET’S GO! LET’S GO!!!’.

Friday, March 29th 1:09 AM
The taxi portion of this trip seemed like it took FOREVER! We drove, and drove, and drove… I just wanted to be up in the air! At whatever '30L H' was we turned, went a little further and turned again pointing down a long runway bordered with lights that seemed to lead into the black of the night.

“You ready?”

“Yes! I can’t wait…,” I replied.

“Roger that…,” he said.

The engine spun up smoothly and we began moving again. In less time than I thought possible I felt my stomach drop as we left the runway and the little plane began climbing. OMG! OMG! I looked out the window at the disappearing black hole that was the airport, at the surrounding area lit up with twinkling lights… OMG!

I looked over at Blake, I could see him smiling, “Yes? What’s that smile all about Mr. Schultz?”

“Nothing, you’re like a little kid right now… I love that,” he said looking to his left and then past me, “This is a really good night for flying. Lot of people don’t like flying at night, but I like it – it’s very peaceful.”

We were still climbing, and he was right about me being all childlike and giddy. This was pretty damn cool and something I'd never done before - so of course I was going to be excited. I mean how many… Oh, now there’s a thought, how many times had he pulled this stunt on other women? Was he a player and this was his patented move? Why did that thought come to mind? Does it matter… “This is so very cool, and I appreciate you taking me out… Up here I mean…,” I said still trying to get used to the sound of my voice in the headphones.

“I wanted to do something unexpected. Sounds like I accomplished that…,” he replied with a little chuckle.

“You did,” I looked out my window, “Am I the first you’ve brought up on a night flight?” I turned to look for his reaction, he didn’t even flinch. The question was a gamble and I asked it not being able to contain myself, my curiosity.

“No, there was one other who’s gotten this treatment… Wasn’t a surprise though, she knew we were doing it.”

“Was she impressed?” As soon as I asked that, I regretted it. My impulsiveness might have just ruined this flight. I should have held back, waited to see if he offered up the answer to that question on his own or other information about the last time he took a woman for a night flight. AUGH! I had just pushed the matter. Would he think I was... AUGH! Stupid, stupid! Did I even want to know what he was doing up here with another woman? What is my freak'n deal?!

It took a few seconds before he replied, “I think so, but you could ask her next time you talk to her…”

He was now looking at me, studying my face in the dim cockpit lighting for my reaction to his response. What does that mean? I could ask some random woman? I shook my head slightly, “Nah, I was just curious whether this was a patented move of yours or not…,” I tried to giggle, but it felt forced. I’d laid out and stepped in this pile of shit – I was hoping he’d let it go. Please, please think I was just trying to be cute, funny - not bitchy or something else…

There was another uncomfortable pause, “My mom… I took her up right after I moved out here and bought into this plane.”

Augh… My stomach dropped again, but it had nothing to do with the flight. “Your mom?”

“Yeah… She was cool with flying, not so much at night. I think in the end she enjoyed it though…”

His mom… Crap! Why did I even ask? Is he going to think I’m clingy, jealous, petty, or needed his dating history? I'm so stupid! Did it matter to me if it wasn’t his mom? Shit! “Good for her…,” I said hoping that was going to be the end of this conversation.

“Do you have a question you really want to ask?”

“No… I was just wondering if this was something you did often...,” I replied not really sure of myself or my answer. Change the subject, ask him a question, “Is the airspace around the strip protected?” Good one! Not sure where I pulled out that question from, but I hoped it did the trick.

“No, but there is usually a pretty crowded sky over the city with tourists trying to get a better idea of the cities layout or going on scenic flights. We’re going to be swinging around here in a minute and head south, then east over the strip.”

“How high are we,” I asked trying to permanently bury any more talk about other women.

“We’re just clearing seven-grand…”

“And we’re going higher, like to twelve-thousand?”

“Yeah… See out that way,” he was pointing straight, but a little left, “See that faint glow? Know what that is?”

I was straining to see any glow, faint or not, but guess I saw something - maybe, “Ah, I don’t know. Is that… Isn’t there a big dam around here? Hoover dam?”

He chuckled, “The Hoover dam is behind us by about thirty, forty miles…. No, the curvature of the earth makes it possible, when the weather is good, to see light bouncing off the atmosphere, clouds and whatever. That glow of lights is from," he paused for effect, "Los Angeles…”

“No way…,” I exclaimed.

“Yes way,” he said mocking the surprise in my voice.

“That’s crazy… I would never have guessed that…”

“Surprised me too when I first figured that out…”

Okay, saved from my stupidity a few moments ago! Keep it up. Questions, more questions. “Could you fly to LA, San Diego?”

“I’ve flown to San Diego… Don’t think my mom liked that though. I don't think she trusts these little Cessna’s to stay airborne or something,” he said gently banking the plane to the left.

Slowly, Vegas proper began to come into view as we began heading south. It was beautiful – the light shining through the top of the Luxor hotel, the various colored lights of the strip’s main hotel properties, all so beautiful. “How long did it take you to fly to San Diego? Did you have to stop for gas?”

“N4034V – Southwest 344 at twenty-thousand descending, two-eighteen knots, twenty-six miles south. Confirm…”

Blake held up a finger, then flipped the radio switch, “LAS – Southwest 344, twenty-six miles my position. Vector 1-8-3 in 5 Mike. Thank you…”

“N4034V – Copy, Vector 1-8-3, 5 Mike…”

Blake looked at me after flipping the radio switch, “They’re just letting me know about that Southwest jet coming in to land and if we stayed on this course we’d be closer, than they’d like us to be to them. There are restrictions around McCarran and heavy fines for violating those rules,” he chuckled like it was no big deal – the contact from the McCarran air traffic controllers, “Told them we’re going five more miles and then flying east over the strip. Very common call – they pretty much know what I’m doing up here…”

“So, everyone’s happy, no issues,” I asked.

“Yeah, we’re good…,” he paused a moment and then decided he wasn’t going to follow-up his answer with some other comment or question.

“What? You were about to ask me something?”

“What happened at the hotel with you and that woman?”

I turned to look out the window and hoped he couldn’t see my body stiffen. No way I was going to get into details, “Pretty much she caught her boyfriend, no fiancé – Dana’s brother no less, coming on to me. I have no idea what he said to her, but whatever it was she blamed me. She was pissed and spewing a bunch of crap. The security people got there quickly and ordered her out of the area. That’s pretty much it…” I took a breath, held it, and hoped that ended the conversation.

“Did he come on to you?”

“He did, but it wasn’t meant to be… He is engaged and that’s drama I didn’t need…” I didn’t want to lie about what happened, but I wasn’t going to tell him anything more. Tyler was a mistake, a big one. I wasn’t thinking clearly, and all that other shit was collateral damage. I was skirting the line between truth and outright lying - creatively choosing my words. He didn’t need all the details to have an opinion – he had to know I wasn’t a nun or something. Talking about Tyler or Jennifer wasn't something I really wanted to do right now...

“Wow, that sounds like it was a lot of drama for a whole lot of nothing,” he said while moving a plunger looking thing on the instrument panel. The engine sounded different after that, like we were slowing, no longer climbing.

“Are we slowing down?”

“We’re at our cruising altitude, just trimming the fuel mixture so we’re not over stressing the engine… Do you date much?”

I was dreading this line of questioning, but I guess the Tyler thing must have raised some questions in his mind, “No, it’s… No,” I shook my head, “I’m not really doing that very much. I… I’m still working on becoming who I am…” Oh God! I don’t want to explain or even say that I’m not ‘complete’ out loud. I really don’t want to talk about this subject either…

“I’ve dated a couple women since coming to Vegas, but I was on the rebound and working so much those attempts to get back into dating fizzled quickly. Dating is tough these days...”

The plane began banking gently to the left and it looked like we were lined up just to the left of the main drag. I was happy the conversation was taking another path and it wasn’t focused on me. Curious though, he said ‘rebound’ – wonder what that was about? “So, you were in a relationship that ended? Was that before you moved to Vegas?” I wasn’t sure I should be asking, but he offered up that nugget in his background on dating, so I was taking a stab at it.

“Yeah, she was a Jersey girl. We discussed my taking the job at the Grand Cayman and she was cool about it, even agreeing to move out here after I got established…”

“Oh… I’m sorry,” I couldn’t help but put a hand on his shoulder momentarily, “How long were you two together,” I asked.

“Just over three years. She broke it off as soon as I accepted the job,” he shrugged, “Wasn’t meant to be I guess. Funny, I had bought a ring and was going to propose – guess I dodged a bullet…”

Oh shit… My heart dropped a little and I felt a sorrowful pang. It didn’t surprise me that he was moving in that direction – wanting to lock that woman up before he moved from the east coast to Vegas. How she could toss three years of being together out like that was kind of confusing, “Well, she… Her loss…” I hoped I sounded supportive. What do you say about a situation like he’d been through?

“Yeah, I guess.”

Friday, March 29th 2:25 AM
Conversationally speaking - I definitely broke out my best wet blanket and draped it over what should have been a prime opportunity to get to know Blake better. My stupidity for implying his night flight thing was used a lot and my dancing around the Tyler thing, were my leading hunches about what set this cool evening into a tail spin. Augh, not funny, a plane joke - really? Might have been better if we crash landed... Augh... Is a crash considered a landing? Focus!!

I wasn't sure the security report written up didn't included Jennifer's accusation that Tyler and I had slept together. If it had, then Blake knew I was dancing around the truth. And while I didn't lie - I did answer his questions without any glaring lies - he probably knew what really went down. Was I self-sabotaging? No! If he knew about Tyler, why pursue me? Tonight was a pursuit, right? This is so confusing! Are guys this confusing like this normally?

After he'd talked about his ex, almost fiancé, the mood changed in the cockpit of the little plane. Was that the moment this night crashed? It wasn't like we didn't talk about things, I mean Blake talked about the strip as we were flying over it and we even flew over the condominium he lived at, but the vibe was different after his ex admission. I could feel it, sense it. And shortly after that we were landing - much sooner than I expected or hoped. We weren't in the air more than twenty minutes, secured the plane, and he drove me back to the hotel. We even talked all the way back to the hotel, but I would classify it as him being polite, a sterile politeness...

I replayed everything I had said and just could not put a finger on what happened. I was so close to just asking him if I'd crossed some line or if I could explain further something I had said that might have bothered him. But, the evening ended at the door to my room with a hug and a thank you for the amazing night. I kept thinking, 'Kiss me... Kiss me...', let me make it up to you somehow - but the evening was over after the hug. I felt completely deflated and wiped. If I could get to sleep I would be sleeping deep tonight for sure!

I text mom that I was back in my room. Of course that lead to a few texts back and forth:

Me: "Home safe..."

Mom: "How were it."

Me: ignoring her phone's auto-correct "Fine."

Mom: "Just fine?"

Me: "I'm tired, talk to you at breakfast, K?"

Mom: "Sure honey. You're okay?"

Me: "Yeah. I love you mom. G'night"

Mom: "Love you too. Good night."

Friday, March 29th 2:47 AM
Showered, makeup removed, and nightly moisturizing routine - complete. I had my super comfy oversize t-shirt on, set an alarm, and my single focus now was melting into this bed and trying to get five hours of sleep before needing to get up, get packed, and meet everyone downstairs for breakfast at 9:00 AM. It's been fun Vegas... I won't be back!

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Friday, March 29th 9:36 AM
Sleep alluded me and getting my brain to shut off was impossible. I think the only reason I fell asleep was due to exhaustion. I was feeling that way now - exhausted. I was dreading meeting everyone for breakfast. So much so I almost cancelled, but didn’t because the backlash would have been worse than what I had been facing since sitting down - which was pretty intense.

Kaley, mom, Bill and Charles were rabid for details and my inquisition began right after sitting - after filling my plate from the breakfast buffet. I loved these people, but I certainly wasn’t enjoying being the sole focus of this way too early gathering. My recap, recollection of every detail, every word spoken - barely kept pace with their appetite for more information. It became tiring after ten minutes.

What was my reward for my efforts - to not miss a single detail? Questions about things I hadn’t even considered, weren't relevant, or the asker hadn’t caught the first time I supplied some detail that would have answered their question. Funny, telling the story out loud sure made it sound like it wasn’t my fault the evening ended in such a weird limbo.

“And he just gave up the information about his almost fiancé,” Charles asked.

“Yeah, I didn’t ask him about any dating history, but maybe the ask about him flying other women around at night brought that out,” I replied shrugging.

“Eh… I don’t know, almost sounds like he wanted to get that off his chest,” Bill added.

“Maybe,” Kaley started, “But maybe he’s still hung up on her?”

“That’s not it,” mom said, “He wouldn’t have asked you out if he was stuck on her…”

“Maybe the distance between San Diego and Vegas brought on some PTSD with his ex and he realized he wasn’t over her,” Charles offered.

Mom shook her head, “I doubt that’s what’s going on, Charles…” Charles probably didn’t catch the annoyance in her voice, it was barely perceptible unless you really knew her. I smiled a knowing look at Bill, who picked up on her tone.

“Okay, maybe he realized getting into a long-distance relationship wasn’t something he could deal with…,” Charles said trying to make his point valid after getting shot down by mom.

“So, the drive to the airport was full of playful teasing about what he had planned. Then cutesy getting ready to fly time. You take off, there’s some dating exchange talk, and then the mood changed,” Bill said trying to pin down when I thought things went south.

“Basically, but it’s not like we didn’t talk about other things after the fiancé reveal. He told me about where he lives, things he does when not working, he asked me about stupid things - like whether I was a dog or cat person, what I did in my spare time, all normal stuff. I don’t get it… But the mood did change,” I replied.

I didn’t share Blake’s ask about the conflict with Jennifer - only Kaley knew the real details of that one. I didn’t need a lecture from mom or any more off topic questions, grilling. Was that off topic? If I could only get a look at the security guards report of the incident I would know how much Blake knew and whether that was the beginning of the end. Should I have come clean on that? No, because being with Tyler wasn’t who I was normally. It was a stupid, stupid mistake… If the report had said anything other than ‘cat-fight’ there wouldn’t have been an opportunity to hang out, right? He would have thought I was too slutty or something… Augh!

“You ready,” Charles said to Bill.

“Sure…,” he replied, “Brea, his loss. Not sure what that guy was thinking… You likely dodged a bullet.”

Charles and Bill both got up and came around the table to give me a quick hug before heading off to do some last-minute gambling. Mom slid her chair out also, saying she wanted to finish packing. We hugged quickly. Everyone agreeing to meet in the lobby to catch the shuttle to the airport at noon.

When they were out of earshot Kaley said, “The security guard report probably said that bitch accused you of sleeping with her man…”

“I thought that too, but why go through all that trouble to spend time with me, to impress me with a plane ride?”

“I guess, but guys can be stupid sometimes. Only way to know what happened is to ask him…”

I shook my head, “Nah, think I’ll pass on that one. I’m ready to be home and to get back into my normal routine…”

“Well, it’s crap he led you on and couldn’t man up in the end,” she said angrily.

“I get it…,” I replied, resigned with the fact Blake was just another bump in the road while in Vegas. Whatever...

Friday, March 29th 9:51 AM
"Good morning Breanna. Are you leaving today," Karen Cole asked. We ran into each other in the in the lobby as I was making my way back to my room.

"Good morning... Yeah, my flight is at 1:58 PM. Will be nice to sleep in my own bed," I chuckled nervously. Why was I nervous? Karen ran the competition with Blake, it's not like I needed to impress her now.

"I'll bet. We really enjoyed having you in the competition. You have a real gift... Such a beautiful voice."

I could feel my face flush, "Thank you for having me. I'd like to have shown better in the finale, but I was pleased with my performances..."

"Well, if it's any consolation you didn't miss placing by very much. In fact, less than two points separated you, Dana, and Carlie...," Karen said with just a hint of conspiratorial secrecy in her voice.

"I, I had a feeling Dana and I were close in the scoring. I had no idea I was that close to Carlie though..." I'm sure I sounded surprised, and the truth is - I was. That basically meant Dana beat me by one fucking point and Carlie by two. Fuck!

"I'm sure there were some disappointed fans of yours no doubt. If we had announced the judges scores it might have helped them understand just how tight this competition was. We did release the scoring for each round to PBS, so they will likely include that in their documenting of the competition," she said.

"Thank you for sharing that with me... I guess I feel a little better about how it all turned out, that it was that close..." I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible, but inside I was actually pissed. If what Bill had said was true about Dana's performance, losing by a point did NOT make me feel any better. I wanted so badly to beat Dana... Augh!

"If you're ever back in town and need something, let me know," she reached into a pocket and produced a business card, then handed it to me.

"I appreciate that. If I...," then it hit me, "I was wondering if you saw the security guards report from that little incident I was involved in?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me what it said," I tried to ask as nonchalantly as possible.

"Nothing really... It said they, the guards, broke up a confrontation between you and another woman. No physical confrontation and that Dana was holding back the other woman. To tell you the truth, it barely captured much... Did you need a copy of it or was there something more that happened," she asked concerned.

"Oh no... I don't need a copy," I blurted out, "I was just curious what it said and what you've told me is pretty much everything that happened," I finished that train of thought in a more normal cadence. Relax, breathe...

"Excellent. Well, I need to get going, staff pre-shift meeting for a lunch banquet. If you need anything, anything at all, please give me a call."

Karen sounded like she was going to be late for her staff meeting or something, so I thanked her again and we said our quick 'Goodbyes'. I watched her walk away towards the banquet rooms feeling better about the security guard report, but still pissed about the judges and losing to Dana by a point. With the security guard report saying nothing, that left just one burning question - what the hell happened last night Mr. Schultz?!

Friday, March 29th 10:07 AM
This probably wasn't the smartest idea I'd had all week, but I was tired of not having the answers I needed and there was only one person who could give those to me. I nervously entered the kitchen area Blake had taken me through on his tour and remembered his office wasn't too far down the second hallway - I think. My heart was pounding in my chest and there was a slight ringing in my ears as I made my way to where I thought I needed to turn to get to his office.

Unfortunately I'd turned left, when I should have gone right, and ended up needing to ask a cook coming out of a walk-in refrigerator where Blake's office was. He looked surprised to see me and asked what I was doing back in this part of the kitchen. I told him Blake was expecting me and that I thought I knew how to get to his office but was now lost. Surprisingly the guy seemed okay with that answer and took me to Blake's office rather than tell me I'd made a wrong turn.

"Mr. Schultz," the cook said after tapping on Blake's open office door, "Your guest is here," he stood aside so I could enter the office.

"Brea? Hey, come in... Come in," he said surprised, rising from his chair, "Thank you Carlos...," he said to my escort. "Wow, I ah... I wasn't sure I would see you before you left... Sit, sit...," he said waving to a chair in front of his desk.

Blake looked nervous, I'm certain he didn't expect to see again. Why? Why would you not want to see me? Slow down, play it cool, don't show your hand yet - you're here to get answers, "I had a couple minutes, thought I'd stop by and thank you again for a wonderful evening... I mean morning or whatever..." Why was I all tongue tied all of a sudden?!

"Oh, yeah... I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, coming around his desk to sit on the edge of it in front of me.

He was close enough I could put my hand on his knee, if I chose too. Why would you do that if you had no interest in me? You could have just stayed on your side of the desk. Focus... Get him talking, he'll figure out why you're here. Don't jump the gun! "You get much sleep?"

"About the normal amount, four hours maybe. I'm used to it... I'm only working a half day, so after a big banquet going off at," he looked behind him at the clock, "Eleven, I'm out of here

"How many people?"

"Five-hundred. Some technology luncheon or whatever..."

"You don't even know who these people are," I asked chuckling, the ringing in my ears now a constant buzzing. It's nothing, just nerves... Relax!

"I know who they are," he said smiling, "I just didn't want to bore you with the details..."

Speaking of details - that's why I'm here you dope! You're plugged into the details of this group doing a banquet at your hotel, but the details regarding last night are why I'm here. Are you really this clueless and can't see that?! Calm down... Dial it back a bit... This guy needs to figure it out, "I ran into Karen Cole. She told me I missed placing by a point."

"Oh, she told you that," he asked - again there was surprise in his voice.

"Yeah... Did you know about the score?"

He hesitated, "Mmmhuh, wasn't sure it would be a good idea to share that. I didn't want to upset you..."

Didn't want to upset me? Seriously - does that mean you care? Lead me on last night all romantic like and then end it like I'm your fucking second-cousin or something?! Augh! Fuck! Breathe... "I'm pretty much over losing Blake, though I really wanted to beat Dana..."

"You only lost to him by a half a point. I think you should have placed second, not third though...," he said seeming more relaxed now.

Well there's some news I didn't know. Half-a-fucking point?! Are you God damn kidding me?! I felt my jaw clench tight as I struggled to cope with that revelation... This conversation was moving too slow, fuck it! "Did I say something last night to upset you?" There, there it is, and let's be real - quit the pussy footing around. So much for subtle and the 'Let him talk...' approach!

Blake didn't look shocked by the question, in fact he looked really calm, like he expected the conversation might go this route, "No..."

"Well... Well I feel like, like something happened and the mood changed... I don't get it honestly..." I'm sure I sounded a little exasperated, flustered, or whatever - but at this point I didn't give a shit. Are my palms sweating? Is it hot in here? It is a kitchen out there...

"I thought I had said something that you didn't want to hear, and after that I feel like your demeanor changed...," he replied a little unsure he was capturing his feelings as best as he could.

"Like what," I asked, and I'm sure it sounded like I was complaining.

"I honestly don't know, maybe when I said that I was nearly engaged?"

"Are you still in love with her," I asked, more calmly than the last few statements I'd made. Should I have held that question? Am I prepared for the answ...

"No, it's," he stood, went over to the door of his office and closed it, then returned to sitting on the edge of his desk, "Look, I'm... Augh, I'm kinda complicated..."

I so wanted to jump into a tirade about the complexities of being Transgendered, but bit my tongue - hard - so to not ruin the flow of the conversation, "I can appreciate that..." It was good to hear he wasn't still hung up on his ex.

"Yeah, well complicated doesn't really... Look, I've got some things I'm working on to tell you the truth..."

"Like what?"

"Okay, well... I work a lot. I like working, I have goals, and a career trajectory I'm committed too. My ex complained about that a lot... She didn't complain about the house she fell in love with that my job helped pay for or the cruises or the car I bought her...," his voice faded.

"So, do you think you have a balanced work-non-work life," I asked - wondering how this in any way, shape, or form had anything to do with what happened last night, but I was willing to see it through.

"I could probably do with shuffling a bit of that around..."

"Sounds like she used you, " I said tentatively, "Maybe a little..."

"Probably... But it's not like I didn't take or she didn't make concessions for me and my goals," he replied a little confidence returning to his voice.

I so badly wanted to scream at him, 'That's all fine and good, but what the fuck was last night?!', but I held back. For a seemingly intelligent and successful guy, I was baffled by how stupid he was on what really should have been the focus of this conversation - 'us' and 'last night'. Grrr! "And, there's more to your complexity?" I asked prodding him forward.

"And I can be... A, a little overbearing with my attachments to stuff..."

Okay, that's vague as shit... "You mean like to your car?" I knew that wasn't what he was talking about, but I wanted him to spit it out on his own.

"No," he chuckled, "I've... Geesh, Brea, I wasn't expecting to come completely clean on my past here... Look, I've been burned pretty good while in a couple relationships. The last one especially so since I was expecting it to go that next step. Cari said I was clingy or whatever... She complained about that a few times over the years, but I didn't see it..." he finished that thought sounding a little dejected.

"Your ex thought you were OCD or something when it came to your guys relationship," I asked a little more skeptically than I intended. Jesus, am I a counselor now?!

"I honestly don't know... She gave that as one of her excuses for the break-up. I gave up trying to figure her reasoning out honestly... I'm over it."

It was taking every ounce of willpower I had to not jump this conversation ahead twenty paces. AUGH!!! What am I doing here?! Oh, and I don't believe you are over being hurt. "Well, I don't understand what you're trying to tell me Blake..." That is the perfect opening dude! Tell me something about wanting to impress me, wanting to get to know me, something...

He looked confused for split second, "Truth... I like you. I just didn't think out the distance problem and what that might be like... I mean if you were interested also."

ABOUT FUCKING TIME!! Okay, he's steering the conversation back to where it needs to be! Blake almost looked like he was expecting me to slam a door in his face after revealing the 'I like you' statement. Of course I wouldn't, but hearing that the long distance thing was a hang-up made it seem like he'd had second thoughts about pursuing anything further. Guess that's why you didn't come looking for me before I left.

"Well, I've spent over half my time here in Vegas this week thinking you weren't interested in me at all. Then last night was the most romantic beginning of any date, or whatever you want to call last night, I've ever experienced," I had said all that without taking a breath - breathe, slow down, "I'm not sure what to think now... Sounds like it was over before anything had a chance to begin."

"Well, that's not how I intended the evening to end at all Brea... I thought I said something that screwed up any chance to get to know you better. Then after that all I could focus on was, well I already told you..." he shifted on the desk slightly as if he were uncomfortable.

"So that's it? If we tried to explore something between us it wouldn't work because I'm an hour and ten minutes away by Southwest airlines or two-and-a-half if you flew yourself," I said softly. I already sensed his answer. This wasn't going to work out, I could feel it emanating from Blake as if he just spray painted it on the wall behind him to make it crystal clear...

"I'm sorry Brea, I never meant to..."

I stood before he could finish, "Well, better to know now..." I never got to finish my thought because the lump in my throat was choking me out. I turned to make my exit and I made it to the door before the tears began falling - thankfully he didn't get to see that. I feel like he might have said something as I was walking out, no way I could have heard anything with the fucking ringing in my ears...

Friday, May 2nd 8:12 PM
Vegas had been such a roller coaster ride of emotions that my desire to sing again took some time to finally come back to me. Bill was good about not pressuring me and mom said it was good that I took a break. Everyone knew about Blake and that I had confronted him - thankfully everyone was super supportive. They also didn't press me for every detail of our encounter like they had over breakfast the day we left Vegas. Amen to that!

That break from performing ended up being four weeks. It took four long weeks for me to feel like singing in the amateur show case at the jazz club again. And last week, even though I had signed up for a slot, and Bill and I had practiced a song, I couldn't bring myself to perform. Was my confidence shot to shit? Maybe... I had told Gary I couldn't perform right before it was my turn to take the stage. Thank God he was cool about my pulling out at the last minute. It's not like I was on some printed program or part of some contest... The rest of the show went on as expected and the audience was none the wiser. In hind sight, I probably could have preformed - but I would have sucked and I know my heart wasn't in it.

The long layoff from singing was marked by the most intense bouts of dysphoria I had ever dealt with since beginning my transition. I pretty much questioned every decision I had ever made regarding my transition. My want to sing and do all those things I loved doing took a back seat while I dealt with righting that gray matter between my ears. Maybe there was a little healing I needed for my heart too... Whatever!

Thankfully I was able to pour myself into my job, discuss some of what I was going through with mom and Kaley, and survived that low-point in my life without looking for a permanent exit. Amen for my support network and being able to unload my internal strife. Performing tonight though, that would be the real lift I needed to getting back into being me, feeling normal, complete again.

In the thirty-two days since I'd left Las Vegas the only word I had gotten from there was that the PBS documentary would air locally on July 27th. Karen Cole had called me to give me the date a couple weeks ago. I didn't ask about anything else and she didn't offer any other bits of news from the Grand Cayman Hotel I might be curious to know. I was fine with that though, move'n on was healthy... We'd already planned a big BBQ party for the PBS special. I was anxious to see how they put it all together and to see how Dana beat me given Bill's review of his performance.

Since I had flopped last week, well - not really flopped since I didn't perform, I had special guests in the audience tonight. Mom, Kaley (of course), and Charles were in attendance. Since they were here to see me sing I wasn't going to pull out of performing tonight - even though I was resigned to singing tonight whether they were here or not. I needed tonight, to get back my Mojo. Them being here didn't add any pressure... Yeah, right! I chuckled to myself, while I reached up and adjusted my In-Ear-Monitors. They were new - courtesy of mom. Damn, my mom was so cool... Guess I have no excuses tonight for being flat!

I looked across the stage at Gary and he smiled back at me - guess he wasn't mad about last week. That's good... The audience began applauding as the singer finished her fade. Gary joined her on stage, there was more applause for Bill when Gary waved a hand in his direction, and then I heard my name. That's my queue. Breathe. You got this...

I walked on stage, but instead of posting up at the microphone, went over to Bill and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. I could hear Kaley whistling and as I made my way to the microphone I waved at the table she and my 'Team Breanna' were sitting at. Bill had chopped the song we were doing down from something over six minutes to just enough musical genius piano accompaniment to capture all the lyrics and with a little ivory tickling homage to the original at the end to close it out.

At center stage I took the microphone in my hands, looked at my hands, and Bill began playing... The piano softly set the stage for me and the shortened intro would leave no doubt what was coming, even without the signature guitar riffs. I looked out at the audience and began on the mark Bill and I had practiced, "On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair... Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air..."

Friday, May 2nd 8:17 PM
"Last thing I remember I was running for the door... I had to find the passage back to the place I was before... 'Relax,' said the night man, 'We are programmed to receive... You can check out any time you like but you can...," I held that note, dropped out of it, and sang to silence after a planned pause, "Never leave..." Bill's fading solo at the end worked so well the audience erupted with applause before he hit the last few keys. As soon as the song began there were cellphone flash lights lighting up the bar area and by the end of the song over half the audience was participating. The swaying lights were kind of mesmerizing as I was singing, but now it was comical watching them with their phones glowing and trying to clap at the same time!

OMG! What a rush! I looked back towards Bill and he was all smiles. We had just kicked that songs ass! Between the applause and my feeling more alive than I'd felt in weeks I totally missed Gary's announcing my exit or him calling out Bill's...

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

I could hear the voice through my IEM's, but the voice wasn't Gary's. I looked to my left... What the fuck...

"Breanna Calloway..."

Between the applause and seeing it was Blake on the microphone, I wasn't sure what was going on. I glance back at Bill with a questioning look - he just smiled back at me. Blake joined me center stage and was looking out at the audience. What the fuck is going on?! What are you doing here? My heart literally skipped several beats upon seeing Blake. To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the year...

"Good evening," Blake began, "You all know Bill Carter on piano..." That garnered another round of raucous applause. I'm pretty sure I heard Kaley whistling again. Blake raised his hands and audience quickly fell silent, "A little over a month ago Ms. Calloway here entered a singing competition in Las Vegas put on by the Grand Cayman Hotel and Casino. It was held over a couple days and she missed placing by a half-a-point. I'm here tonight to award Ms. Calloway five-thousand dollars..."

Blake had tried to say more, but was drown out by applause, "Thank you... Yes, due to a disqualification of our third place contestant Ms. Calloway was moved up to third place," Blake pulled an envelope from his jacket and handed it to me, "Congratulations... Breanna Calloway everyone..."

There was more applause and Blake put a hand on my shoulder, then waved his other toward the right side of the stage. Gary, was now addressing the audience and setting up the next singer as Blake followed me off stage.

What had just happened?

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Author retains all rights to this original work of fiction.

Friday, May 2nd 8:23 PM
As Blake and I entered the backstage area Mike was there waiting, "I don't know where you and Bill come up with these song redo's, but they are money," he exclaimed. He took the microphone Blake had and watched me walk on by. I barely heard or processed whatever he had said, but thanked him while continuing to walk towards the back hallway to go meet mom, Kaley, and Charles. Blake had to double time to catch up and it felt surreal, odd, confusing, and a little fucked up that he was here...

I stopped midway down the final hallway to the back entrance to the bar area, "What are you doing here Blake?" My voice, tone, and the intensity at which I was questioning him was as menacing as shards of glass. The message I was sending should be clear - I'm not happy to see you.

"Delivering your third place check..."

Check, yeah let's have a look at that five-grand check. I was skeptical and opened the envelope, not to carefully, and pulled the check out. Yup, it was from the Grand Cayman Hotel and had the right number of zeroes following the number five. What the hell?! I looked at him intently, "Why not just send it to me? Why make this big production out of giving it to me?" I'm positive it sounded like I was complaining.

"The production," he began, "Was my idea. The thought being... Since you missed out on the audiences fanfare at the finale, this was kind of a substitute... I just wanted it to be more than you picking up a check from your mailbox, Brea... I thought you deserved more than that."

Fuck! It's not that I wasn't grateful for winning and getting some minuscule amount of accolades from tonight's audience. My problem was him being here. God damn you! Why couldn't you have just stayed in Vegas? Wait, something isn't, "Did everyone know you were doing this tonight?"

"I... I might have coordinated with your mom and Kaley. Pretty sure Bill brought Charles because of this presentation," he said after a few second pause, "I asked them not to say anything to you, so don't blame them... This is all on me."

"Bill too," I asked surprised. I was shocked, because of all my peeps he was the one that ragged on Blake the most. Bill and I would have to talk about...

"I've had several conversations with Bill this past week... He wasn't too happy to hear from me, but warmed up to the idea of making the presentation tonight. That doesn't mean he didn't chew my ass for how I screwed things up..."

Good! But you don't take hints too well do you? Wait, wait... You just said you screwed things up? What the fuck?! "Wait, you admit you screwed up the morning I left," I asked looking for some kind of cringe like reaction on his part to the question.

"Hey, that morning I blew it... I screwed up the flight over Vegas too. Plain and simple. I should have come after you that morning or called or something. I don't know... I just figured I'd beat your last nerve raw and it wouldn't have mattered what I said..."

"Look, you can't have these one sided conversations and think the other person is in agreement or on board with your shit. I've processed Vegas a hundred ways and upside down. I was just starting to feel normal again last week and here you are confusing me all over again..."

"That's not what I'm here to do Brea... I tried to tell you my flaws and being separated, well... I don't know... It's hard for me," he said looking as though he'd just laid his heart out there for me to stomp if I so chose.

"I know it's not like we were dating or even got past a normal first date. I realize that and I can accept that. But the truth is... I feel like you led me on a little and I tried to take a bite of more than was really there. That's on me... Being Trans, it's complicated enough without throwing in relationship complications..." There! I had said my peace, I felt empowered, but it would be a lie to say my heart wasn't breaking a little again. Why do I even like this guy?

When Blake didn't jump right in and comment, I turned and began walking again. Okay, I don't have time for this! Please, don't follow me...

Friday, May 2nd 8:27 PM
On the walk to mom's table I got no less than six 'Congrats!' comments from some of the regulars. I tried smiling as best as I could, but right now I just wanted to be away from Blake and get over to my mom and the gang. She was the first to get her arms around me when I approached the table, squeezing me so tight I thought she was going to pop me! In my ear she whispered, "I'm so proud of you honey..."

When she finally let me go I said, "Thanks mom..." I looked towards Kaley waiting to hug me and gave her a questioning look...

"Okay, I got it... But he was very persuasive on the phone," she said leaning in close to my ear, then she just reached out and pulled me in for a quick hug.

Charles was next, another 'Congratulations' in my ear and quick hug. I looked at him after the hug, "I had nothing to do with this Brea... I told him this might backfire."

"I think William and I are going to have a conversation about this...," I replied with just a hint of a smirk.

I looked back towards where I'd entered the bar from backstage and didn't see Blake right away until I looked towards the bar. JJ was talking with him and was setting a draft beer down in front of him.

"You should talk to him honey... I think you are probably being a little hard on him right now," mom said.

"Did you have a conversation with him too," I asked surprised.

"I did. He called me and we had a nice talk, but I also told him I was disappointed in how he behaved and that I wasn't happy about what happened in Vegas," she said calmly.

I was about to reply, but the audience began applauding the final singer of the evening and of course the master of keys - Bill. I joined in the clapping, but it was a half-hearted effort. Gary was saying something about next week, the house lights came up a little, and people began talking while some jazz played subtly over the sound system. "When did you talk to him," I asked.

"He called Kaley last week, Friday... Right?"

"Mmmuh, I blasted him Brea, but when he told me about Dana being disqualified and you were going to get five-grand - I couldn't help but listen to him... I think you should talk to him...," Kaley said sounding like she'd softened her position on Blake.

"Brea, you should at least hear him out," mom added.

I looked at Charles, "Hey, I didn't talk to the guy, but... Here comes Bill, ask him what he thinks."

I turned just as Bill came up behind me and hugged me tight around the waist, "Hey, hey! Who's five-large richer?"

When he let me go I stared at him a long couple seconds, "Why didn't you tell him to just mail the damn check Bill?"

"I know, I know...," he said looking like a mouse trap had snapped on his fingers unexpectedly, "I told him that if he hurt you again I would hunt his ass down."

"Well that threat didn't seem to scare him off, he's still here...," I complained.

"I know... Okay, I get it Brea, but you have to admit this presentation was a lot better than finding a check in the mail. Go talk to him, there have been some changes in his life...," Bill said trying to placate me.

Four sets of eyes were staring at me, waiting for my head to either explode or for me to be more reasonable. I did NOT feel like being reasonable. Mom cocked her head towards the bar. God damn-it! "Fine...," I said before turning to seek out the source of my displeasure.

Friday, May 2nd 8:34 PM
I tapped Blake's shoulder and when he turned around I said, "Okay..."

He interrupted me, "Do you know that you never had that drink with me you promised?"

Huh? "I never promised to have a drink with you...," I complained.

"Pretty sure you said you would," he replied with a shit eating grin.

You are NOT cute! You might think you're being cute, but I think this tactic is bullshit! I huffed a quick breathe, "Fine, one drink... You tell me your story and we go from there, deal?"

"Sure, but not here...," he said smiling that stupid smile still.

"Nah... Here is fine," I replied annoyed.

"Give me a little leeway Brea... One drink, not here, and I'll get you home afterwards."

I looked back towards the table mom, Kaley, Bill and Charles were at - only Kaley remained. I looked towards the hostess stand and they were... Hey! Mom's leaving? "I'll be right back...," I said to Blake and made my way to the where my mom was about to leave with Charles.

"Where are you going," I asked as she was pulling on her coat.

"Charles gave me a ride sweetie... Plus I have work in the morning," she replied.

"I...," I was at a loss for words and before I could say anything more we were hugging.

"I love you... Be nice, listen, and stand your ground," she said looking deep into my eyes.

"I love you too mom..."

"Be yourself Brea...," Charles said as he opened the door for my mom.

I was a bit stunned they were leaving, shocked really. Was that it for the celebration of placing in Vegas? Whoa... How did this come about?! Dana was out and I was in? Blake...

Friday, May 2nd 8:41 PM
"Come with us...," I pleaded to Kaley.

"You're kidding right," she replied making a face that said she wasn't about to be the third wheel.

"Why do I feel like everyone knows what's going on here but me?"

"I don't know, but I'll bet if you talk to Blake you'll be in the know..."

"What's that mean?"

"Oooui... JJ just waved at me. Love ya gurl, but I got some questions I wanna ask that man...," Kaley said while giving me a quick squeeze and made her way to the end of the bar.

Blake was still sitting at the bar nursing his beer. Where the hell was Bill now? Augh! Everyone knows what's going on here and I'm like in the dark! I'm not digging this... I walked over to the where Blake was sitting, "Why do I feel like I'm the last to know what's going on here tonight?"

"Aaa... I don't know. The presentation was pretty much all I had coordinated. The drink thing I just came up with while sitting here..."

"Alright, let's get this drink thing done. I think I could use one about now..."

Friday, May 2nd 8:59 PM
The Gaslamp District was crowded with tourists, convention visitors, and off duty Navy or military types - no different than any other night around here. When we exited the jazz club we began walking south on Fifth Ave and at the next block we crossed over to the east side of the street.

"Do you know where we're going," I asked.

"Right up there," he pointed, "It's a cool boutique hotel called de l'Arcade. It's got a piano bar... Thought it would be as good a place as any to have that drink - neutral ground," he said with a chuckle.

"Ha, ha... Is this place new? I've never heard of it...," I knew this place previously as some other hotel - so I was a little confused, "This place was named something different before, I think."

"Correct, new owners, name change, and I think they just did a minor remodel. Grand re-opening was last week I was told."

"How long have you been in town," I asked. I wanted to know because how would he know about a new hotel and piano bar right down the street from the jazz club? Something wasn't adding up...

"I got here last night actually..."

"You fly yourself?"

He chuckled, "Nah, my mom still isn't a fan of me flying."

"You staying with her? When do you go back?"

"Yup, think I'd be in the dog house if I didn't. I leave Sunday - I'm burning some comp time..."

"How did you hear about this place," I asked not able to contain my curiosity any longer. I'm sure I sounded like I was interrogating him - whatever, didn't really care...

"I know the GM... Worked with him in Atlantic city," Blake held the door open to the bar for me.

Once inside Blake went to the hostess stand while I hung back near the entrance. I could see him speaking quietly to the woman standing there, she nodded several times, then raised her hand to call over a man in a suit walking by. Now the two guys were talking, after a handshake Blake turned towards me and waved me over.

"Thanks again Jonathon...," Blake was saying when I made it to his side.

"My pleasure Mr. Schultz, enjoy your evening...," the suit guy said smiling at us, then taking his leave.

"Okay, you ready for that drink," Blake asked.

"You pull some hotel secret handshake deal to get us a table," I asked more snarky than I intended.

He laughed, "No, no secret handshakes... That's a good one Brea."

"I've got plenty more where that came from...," I replied feeling a little more confident than I had earlier. I wasn't going to be kept in the dark much longer, that's for damn sure!

Friday, May 2nd 9:06 PM
I had never been to this hotel before tonight, so I had no idea if the remodel made this place any better or whatever. On the whole, this was probably not a place to find a cheap room for the night. The finish, furnishings, everything shouted 'upper crust'. This piano bar was absolutely beautiful - I'm impressed. We passed two pianos butted up against each other - that could be an interesting addition to the Gaslamp district. I only knew of one other bar in the area with dueling pianos.

I followed Blake to a table, and being the gentleman he was trying hard to be - he pulled my chair out for me. Grrr... Don't be nice to me! I'm angry at you... I watched him go around the table and sit - time to get some answers, "What happened to Dana?"

"Great question and I'll get to that I promise... What would you like to drink?"

Really? You can't just say, 'He rigged it with the judges...' or something that's going to annoy me as much as that would? Augh! "Rum and Coke...," I replied with as much patience as I could muster, "Please..."

Blake signaled a server and put in the order. He asked that my drink to be made with Ron Carupano Legendario, explaining after the server left that it was an aged twenty-five year rum and very smooth. I told him I usually just drank Bacardi or Abuelo, and that I didn't have a sophisticated drinking palate. He said that might change after I tried this brand of rum. I told him, "We'll see..."

Enough small talk, "So... Dana," I asked.

"Yeah, interesting story. Three weeks ago they got an anonymous email from someone saying to look into a recording artist named Danika Warnick."

"Danika being Dana before his transition?"

"Correct..."

"And if Dana had been a recording artist that would disqualify him," I said putting the pieces together before Blake had a chance to get all wordy.

"Right... You had to be an amateur, no professional exposure - which was defined as being a recording artist. You were allowed to sing in a band, just couldn't be published or signed to a record label," he explained.

What a fucking cheat! I was pissed. "Damn him...," I said - my face a little contorted.

"Yeah, I don't blame you for being angry. I'm really sorry Brea... They did do background checks on every singer, but somehow they missed finding anything on Danika Warnick."

"You don't know who turned him in?"

"Could have been anyone, someone who saw the show or someone who knows him..."

My money was on Jennifer. She wanted to rip my head off, but she was also pissed at Dana that day outside the banquet room. Maybe that was her revenge. And her reward - Tyler - if they were still together. I didn't care one way or the other - he's all yours bitch, enjoy! Of course it didn't make losing in Vegas any better, but at least I had... "Did you guys get the money back from him," I asked - that thought just popped into my head and I wanted that ass to feel some pain for cheating.

"That's going to probably go to small claims court. When they contacted him about being disqualified and informed him he needed to return the five-grand, he said he'd already spent it. It's now up to the Grand Cayman's lawyers to go after him. I'm sure they'll get the money back..."

Our drinks arrived and our server asked if we wanted to look at a menu. Blake deferred to me, I said I was fine.

"So, got any plans for your new found wealth," he asked.

"I'll find something to do with it. I'm going to get taxed on this, right?"

"Unfortunately you will... I think they should have figured out the taxes and paid them so each contestant walked away with the full prize amount. Maybe they'll do that next year..."

"When were you going to tell me," I asked deadpan, staring at him.

Blake looked confused, "About the taxes?"

"No... I can barely remember people's names right after I meet them, but I'm a really good listener and I have a feeling you've got something you're not telling me..." I picked up my drink and took a sip. Oooh, that is good! Damn you! I can't afford Don Corrugated Laundry-soap rum - or whatever this stuff is called...

He looked nervous now, "Aaah, you think I'm hiding something?"

"You've said 'they' a lot while talking about your old hotel... The guy at the hostess desk calling you 'Mr. Schultz'. I think you should just spill it," I said with just a hint of a smile.

It took him a good fifteen seconds of contemplation to figure out if I knew or if I was just fishing, "Alright... Who told you," he asked.

"You just did...," I said with an even bigger smile. I'm smarter than I look Mr. Schultz, you better figure that out quick.

"Augh... Sneaky, sneaky... Okay, yes I'm relocating..."

I interrupted him, "To San Diego..."

"Yes, and..."

"You've got a job at this hotel," I interjected before he could ramble.

"Surprise," he exclaimed in a kind of cutesy 'I've been found out' voice while raising his hands about shoulder high.

"I knew there was something bigger going on... The hostess looked at you like you were a big deal, the suit guy, knowing more about this place than maybe you should... You don't play poker much do you?"

"No, I don't. I like to have something tangible to show for my hard earned money..."

"You don't spend money unless you get something tangible in return... What about paying for an experience?"

"I'll spend money for an experience, come on... Don't get hung up on lawyer'n my words," he said smiling.

I raised my glass, "Congratulations... What will you be doing here?"

Blake reached into his jacket and pulled out a business card, sliding it across the table. I've seen this move before and couldn't help smiling after I picked it up. I read it aloud, "'de l'Arcade - Blake Schultz - Assistant General Manager. This job getting you closer to your 'career trajectory'?"

"It is actually...," he said confidently, "I seem to remember telling you I had one of those, a trajectory, but never told you what it was..."

"I figured it was some kind of upper management thing. How did you get the job?"

"I told you I know the GM from when we were in Atlantic City. His Assistant General Manager left to care for his mom. I'm not supposed to know, but she was diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer last month..."

"Ah... That's terrible..."

"Yeah, I don't envy their next bunch of months... Anyway, I got a call from Caleb - he's the GM - asking if I would be interested in the job. I said yes, had a phone interview with his other managers and the head of HR. Caleb ended up calling me that same evening to offer me the job."

"Nice... When's your last day at the Grand Cayman?"

"Officially it was yesterday, but I'm being paid through this weekend - for comp time. I need to go back and arrange getting my townhouse cleaned. Gonna have to break my lease..."

"That sucks. Is this the first time you've been in town," I asked.

"I drove a U-Haul out here last weekend, put stuff in storage, hung with my mom, did some orientation stuff here, and flew back late Sunday."

He'd said a lot of stuff - storage, lease breaking, blah, blah, blah - but all I could wonder is if I was a part of his decision making process... Did he think about stopping by last week to see me? Don't jump ahead!

"You're probably wondering why I took the job...," he said when I wasn't moving the conversation forward.

"That thought might have crossed my mind...," I felt flush because he'd read my mind or I was wearing that question on my sleeve. Grrr!

"Well, it's a step toward my goal of becoming a GM one day - that trajectory thing," he said smiling, "And I worry about my mom being alone out here also... I told you my dad passed four years ago, didn't I?"

"Oh... No, I'm sorry to hear that..."

"Yeah, it was a pretty rough time for both of us. He set her up nicely though - insurance, the house was paid off, and the military took care of a lot of the burial worries. I think she considered moving back to Germany shortly after he died, her side of the family is there. Only reason she probably didn't was because of me. So, given the chance to come back to San Diego it really was an easy choice..."

Family and career advancement, great reasons to relocate to San Diego. I raised my glass, "Congratulations, I'm really happy for you Blake... I'll bet your mom is happy also..."

"Thank you... She is. There is another reason for coming home, it's personal though," he said, a serious look now on his face.

"Are you going to share that with me," I asked - a strange flutter in my stomach and my heart beating a little quicker upon hearing there was more to his relocation decision.

"Come on Brea, you know why... Do I need to spell it out?"

I was having trouble controlling my breathing, I felt warm, flush, a tingly feeling in my toes... "Sure...," I said nervously, barely able to control my over revved mind.

"Okay, well... You certainly played a part in the decision to come back to San Diego. I just... Well, I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to see if... Like, if we can figure out if there's something between us...," he replied nervously for the first time since we'd been reunited tonight.

"What makes you think I haven't moved on or I'm not dating someone?" It took every ounce of control I had to ask that without cracking a smile. I was staring at him, purposely letting him squirm a little. Inside though I was soaring, anxious, fearful, about to explode...

"I... Crap, I hope you aren't seeing someone...," he said surprised by my question.

"I'm not...," the panicky feeling I had when this conversation switch to 'us' was growing and I tried to refocus, tried to remain calm. Drink, drink some of your drink - it might calm your nerves or at least dull them a little.

"Oh, you... You're messing with me," he said with a little nervous chuckle, but looking relieved.

"Maybe a little...," I said shifting in my seat and taking another large swallow of my drink. OMG! Quit fidgeting!

"So... I, like... I need to just ask you out then," he asked unsure of how this was going to work.

"That would be a good start..." That tingle in my toes was now numbness in my feet and my chest felt tight. Relax... Breathe... "Is my being Transgendered something that worries you?"

"No, but... Yeah, maybe a little," he admitted.

"You do understand what someone who is Transgendered is doing, right? You've given this part of dating me at least a little thought?"

"Sure, I have given it some thought..."

"Are you secure in your manhood, understand your gender," I asked trying to remain calm, but my heart was thumping so wildly in my chest. Slow down...

"Yes," he replied looking confused.

"You understand I was born male, but my body was not in alignment with my soul, my heart, or my mind... My choice is not a mental disorder or whatever..."

"I know that much Brea... I understand being Trans at a very high level and I don't think you're crazy or anything like that..."

"And none of that gives you pause," I asked. The answer he was about to give me would speak volumes...

"No... Should it," he asked concerned.

"I would hope not, but right now dating me isn't going to be like all the other women you've been with...," I said hoping the relief in my voice showed through and he understood what he was really getting into.

"Look, I'm physically and cerebrally attracted to you... That first night we met, I knew I wanted to get to know you... I knew you were Trans then and that's honestly not a hang-up for me. In Vegas I just couldn't get a read on whether you were interested in me and I handled that all wrong... Not a confidence building moment for you I'm sure, but I'm really more than I showed..."

I could feel that anxious roiling feeling in my stomach and I was having trouble keeping my focus on what the conversation had just revealed. This guy was a unicorn, one in a million, a non-fetish freak that wanted to be with me for me... WTH! What do I do now?

"Brea... You okay?"

I needed to stay composed. I would kill for just one minute to process this more, "A lot of people aren't happy with the idea of someone being Transgendered. I'm a work in progress Blake, you need to know that up front. You get that - right," I asked nervously - anticipating him recoiling in disgust and maybe not considering where I was in my transition.

"You don't need to spell it out Brea... I'm not going to say this isn't going to be different for me, but I'm willing to make it work... We can go as slow as necessary, respect each other's needs and wants, and see what becomes of it...," he said trying to reassure me.

"I'm not going to lie about who I am or how I became who I am... I'm certainly not militant about that, but I'm not going to shy away from any of my Trans roots. Is that going to be a problem?" Shit! I sound like I was trying to scare him away! I hope he knows that's not what I'm...

"Not for me, and if someone else has a problem with that then it's on them...," he replied looking serious.

"Even if that person is your mom," I asked expecting him to take a step back, reverse course.

"My mom already knows Brea... Both her brothers are gay and happily partnered, so she's fairly open minded. Not so much about the President right now, but LGBTQ stuff - you'll find her pretty supportive. Besides, she liked you on the phone that time you called - don't know what you girls talked about, but she picked up on something...," he said smiling.

"Really? I barely said thirty words to her..."

"Yeah... I know, but you must have a pretty strong aura or something, because she already is digging you. So, Breanna Calloway... Would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night?"

"I... I would, but I'm closing tomorrow night and if we have any late sales I might not get out of there until 9:00 PM...," I said worried work was going to screw up, get in the way, of our first official date.

"That's fine, how about I come get you after work? Just text me to let me know when you're close to getting off..."

"Ok... That could be any time between 8 and 9 though...," I said still sounding worried.

"It's fine Brea, I'm not up to anything all day... Well, actually I'm starting to look for a house out here. Any chance you'd be willing to help with that on Saturday," he asked.

"I guess I could in the morning, but I have to be at work by noon...," I replied trying hard to keep the complaining, worry, or whatever out of my voice, "I'm off Sunday... What time do you leave?" OMG! OMG! We're making plans and it's so, so normal... How is this even possible? Am I dreaming? In a comma?

"Think my flight is around 8:00 PM or something like that... We could do a little Saturday morning, then Sunday if that works... I could pick you up at your place or," he paused to curb his enthusiasm, "We can talk about this tomorrow night. I'm not trying to, but trying to fill your dance card," he chuckled.

"Yeah, sure... That totally would work... Saturday morning and Sunday..." All I could think about was I needed to clean my apartment... OMG! This is moving so fast... Dance card? What the hell is that?

"Sweet...," he said but it looked like he had something else on his mind.

"What," I asked.

"I... I'm really happy you're willing to give me another chance Brea. I promise I won't be such a dork this time..."

"Good, I'm... I'm happy too and I'm not going to let you be a dork. I don't have time for dorks...," I replied with a big smile. I lifted my drink, "To second chances..."

He lifted his, "To second chances..."

After a moment of silence I blurted out, "So, what is it you're gonna do for this place?"

"Interesting question...," he began.

"Why," I asked, interrupting him. Shit, I need to stop doing that...

"Well, because this bar is going to be one of my responsibilities and I had an idea that involves you...," he said smiling.

"I have a job Blake, I don't do bartending or serving..."

"Not what I had in mind..."

"Okay, what do you want me for," I asked not really thinking about how that might have sounded.

"I...," he began.

"Keep it clean Mr. Schultz...," I said playfully.

He chuckled, "Yes... Anyway," he started again, still trying to get past my inference about possible adult rated activities, "We've got dueling pianos - I'd like to introduce dueling singers to compliment them... What do you think?"

Interesting, that might be something unique for this area... "I'm flattered, but I don't... I'm not sure I'm good enough for something like that..."

"Seriously," he complained, "You're more than good enough Brea. What if I told you I've got a really amazing pianist onboard, but he's only in if you are?"

Huh? Bill? "You talked to Bill," I asked surprised.

"Yup, and he's only in if you are. We can pay you five-hundred a night - standard rate, for two one hour long sets per night, thirty minute break in between, comp'd drinks and food...," he rattled off the details quickly, excitedly.

Bill was in? We were going to have a serious talk the next time I saw him! "I'm, I... I don't want to sing full-time Blake. I have a job I really like and singing is just... It's just something I do for fun..."

"Prefect... I'm looking to implement this show on Wednesday's to begin with and if it's a hit I'll expand it. I talked to Gary about recruiting some of his amateur talent and as long as we're not conflicting on dates he said he wouldn't mind me poaching a few singers from the show case..."

"Okay... I'm not sure how this is going to look, but it certainly sounds interesting. I mean, if Bill is in... Well, I guess I am...," I replied more tentatively than I intended.

"Awesome! I think you're going to be a huge draw once word gets out. Bill's already planning for the first show...," he said obviously excited I was onboard.

"When is this first show," I asked concerned.

"I'm hoping to get it approved and running in about three weeks, a month's time max..."

Okay, big sigh of relief there! William and I were going to have a serious conversation about the events of the last couple weeks...

Friday, May 2nd 11:13 PM
Our conversations flowed so easily and the same can be said with how easily the drinks went down. I didn't finish my third Renaldo Reggiano Legionnaires rum drink - I chuckled thinking I still didn't know what that rum was called.

"What's so funny," Blake asked pulling into my apartment complex.

"Nothing... Just trying to remember that rum's name...," I said stifling my giggles as best I could.

"Ron Carupano Legendario...," he said.

He had said that all Spanish speaking like, it was cute... I couldn't help but smile. I told him where to park and after a moment we were sitting in a silent car. Awkward!

"You're not mad at me for tonight...," he asked.

"No... I guess I can forgive you, if you can forgive me for being bitchy...," I said meekly.

"I deserved a little grief from you, I'm just happy we're where we're at... Can I walk you to your door?"

Where we're at is my apartment complex and I am having all kinds of adult rated thoughts about you right at this moment Mr. Schultz. Of course you can walk me to my door, but.. But I'm not inviting you in - though I'm tipsy enough to know if you pressed I would probably let... "Okay...," I blurted out not trying to over think the situation.

Friday, May 2nd 11:17 PM
"Well, guess I'll see you tomorrow. Just text me about thirty minutes from when you think you'll be off," Blake said when we reached the door to my apartment.

He smelled so sexy, amazing... I leaned back against the door - wow, that feels good. Are you going to kiss me? Hello?! I reach out and took his hand, "I'm really happy you're coming to San Diego Blake..."

That gesture must have been all the coaxing he needed... He stepped closer, staring into my eyes, put a hand on my chin and kissed me tenderly... A little tongue, soft lips, I could sense his wanting me... Heaven...

"I'll see you tomorrow night Ms. Calloway...," he said after breaking the kiss, but not pulling away.

"Yes, you will..."

FIN

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Authors Note: Don't be afraid to "Like" this story if it's doing anything for you (you don't have to have an account to do so and there are no prizes for most likes). If there are problems or you have criticism you'd like to share publicly or via a message or email (rachelmnm@hotmail.com) - I'd love to address them if I can. I'm trying to grow as a story teller, I'm far from perfect, so any help is much appreciated. Thanks for reading...

Authors Final Recap: Thank You for following along with this story, all the "Like" buttons you've pressed for each chapter, and for every single comment left or PM'd to me. Brea's journey has been all over the place and where she goes from here - that's up to you to decide. I never intended to write something that never ended and readership has declined - so, this is going to be the last chapter. I'll be back to writing after a little break. Love you all! Rachel...