Jay likes to window shop and look at all the pretty clothes that he knows he'll never get to wear.
He's usually pretty discreet about it until the day that he isn't.

Author's Note: Ok so a few quick things. This is a story in Sephrena's Christmas contest. I was almost done with it before she announced the contest was closed but she was nice enough to allow me to insert it in, so thank you very much, Sephrena :). Now about the story, the image I used is in reference to something the character said. I was going to use my standard image of a girl but I found that one and I couldn't refuse it lol. Also this is a little shorter than most people will be used to me writing and it ends before the story really begins. I'm not sure if I'll ever write anymore of it either so just be forewarned ahead of time. If you want to see more of this tale, let me know and I'll consider it :)
Happy holidays everyone :)

I was usually a pretty guarded person. It comes from having three older brothers and being the smallest one in the family. When you’re smaller and younger, you learn to dodge and weave when necessary. You can block in an incoming punch, swerve an oncoming kick and build up a defensive armor against most put-downs and insults. Because of this reason, I usually stayed in the shadows, tried to shrink myself as small as I could and avoid others whenever possible. I’m not a paranoid person but it helped when you never knew where the attack was going to come from next.

It also helped to hide secrets.

I had my fair share of those.

Most of them were little, minor and just plain stupid. Like the cash, I kept hidden under one of my floor boards or the flash drive of compromising and nasty blackmail photos I kept around my neck. Silly things. Things one tends to garner growing up as the youngest. Things that might one day save my ass in a pinch I suppose. They were small secrets, though. If someone were to find out about them, I’d be ok. Sure I’d be out of a lot of money and blackmail material but I’d survive.

It was the bigger secrets I was scared of.

Well one actually.

The one I didn’t want anyone to find out about.

The one that got me in my current situation.

You see ever since I could remember, I felt wrong. There was a small part of me inside that felt like my body didn’t fit. I’m not sure when I started noticing but one morning I couldn’t help but feel it. I think my mother always knew, though. I could vaguely remember her taking me out and about, dressed in some cute outfit. I was always a beautiful baby, far too beautiful to be a boy. In fact, lots of people would tell me that now. Of course, that was after they made the mistake of calling me a girl. If Dad or one of the morons was around, they’d quickly correct the error. Mom was the only one who didn’t. She had been the only one who understood.

Cancer is an evil thing.

After Mom was gone, I felt so alone. I could never relate to my father and brothers. Sports and overall macho bonding crap never seemed to interest me. I tried. I even let Dad take me to ball games and buy me all those violent video games. I had to wear the sports jerseys and decorate my walls with half naked women. I even tried my hand at Little League back in elementary school. I hated all of it but it helped to hide my secret. It also helped to make me the most miserable person in all of Becker Falls. Ok so probably not but I had to be in the top ten. There were only so many people in our tiny little town, I was bound to be one of the most depressed.

Looking back upon it, I think Mom might have been too. If not for the cancer, I’m sure she would have left Dad. In another life, I might have gone with her. I’m sure we could have been happy together. In fact, I know we would have been. Alas, it was not meant to be and now here I was stuck, living a lie and trying my hardest every day to keep others from finding the truth.

Like I said, though, I let my guard down.

Becker Falls was this tiny little town like I said. It was so small in fact that we didn’t even have a mall. So every weekend, my brothers piled into the pickup and drove to the next town over---Bigsby. It was a much bigger town, like a small city actually. The mall here was a pretty popular place, especially with kids my age. I always liked to tag along because like most malls, it had a lot of different clothing stores. So while my brothers disappeared to do God knows what, I spent my time wandering up and down the shops, staring distantly into the windows. I knew what I wanted and I couldn’t have it. At least looking at all those great things made me feel a bit better about myself.

I’d been doing it for months. They’d go off and do their thing and I’d spend time with mine. Always looking, though, never going further than the other side of the glass. I felt kinda like a zoo animal but in reverse. All the good stuff was over there and I was stuck here. Ever the observer, craving what he can’t have.

“Hey there,” said a voice, causing my body to seize.

And therein lies my current problem.

Someone actually noticed me.

I was numb, terrified.

Turning slowly on my heel, I looked into the face of Kelly Donalds. We had a few classes together but we didn’t run in the same social circles. Partially because she was a bit on the popular side and because I didn’t have any social circle. Kelly was one of those girls. You know the one, super nice, super rich and super classy. She was friends with everyone, flittering from one group to the next but never really belonging to any. She was kind of cool that way. It helped that she looked like someone who could be on The CW. She had milky white skin, long silky black hair, and the most dazzling green eyes. She also had a smattering of freckles which looked kind of funny on her due to her Asian ancestry. I know what you’re thinking and if you must know, her father was Irish I think.

“You ok,” she asked, showing genuine concern. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something”

I finally found my voice.

“No, just startled”

“You’re in my English class right?”

All I could do was nod. Damn it. How could I have been this careless? Sure she’d only seen me looking but I was really looking. I probably could have talked my way out of it but we were outside Dillards. They had this great display of skater dresses, they were so cute. I loved skater dresses, they were spunky, young and classy all in one. I’d always admired them from afar but today I wanted to get a closer look. Why did today have to be the day that she walked by?

“I’m sorry I don’t know your name”

She looked sorry too. In fact, she looked like someone had shot her puppy. A girl like her made it their business to know everyone and not knowing me really seemed to disturb her. I guess I was doing my job then.

“It's Jay” I stuttered, without thinking.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” I said more confidently.

Why was I still talking? Why was I still standing here, to be honest? I should have been gone. I was embarrassed enough as it was. One of the most popular girls in school just caught me fish bowling dresses. I knew she wasn’t the kind of person to spread rumors but things like this had a way of getting out. She wouldn’t do it intentionally but someone would find out. The rumor would spread like wildfire and I’d get my ass kicked on two fronts---from schoolmates and brothers. I was really dreading how things were going to go at school tomorrow.

“You ok?”

“I’m fine,” I said, looking in every direction but at her.

There had to be a way out of this. I didn’t want to be rude but I didn’t want to be here either. I knew this mall pretty well. There was stairwell around the corner and a fire exit at the bottom. A quick run to it wouldn’t take more than thirty seconds. It was a bit extreme but I didn’t have a lot of choices.

“You don’t like people do you?”

“What, no,” I said quickly, panic starting to build. “It's just I have somewhere to be soon”

“They’re not here,” she said, misinterpreting my fidgeting.

“Who?”

“Your brothers,” she said with a knowing smile. “I saw them at the movie theater. They were with Sara Ellis and her brood”

Cheerleaders.

Figures.

Kelly finally shifted a bit, giving me the opening I needed. I didn’t even wait to around to say goodbye. As she tilted to the left, I went to the right. Right around her and toward the stairs. I would have made it too if not for my short legs. She was in front of me in two seconds flat. How in the hell did she move that fast and in heels no less?

“That was rude,” she said cheerfully.

Couldn’t this girl take a hint?

Ok so being allusive with her was out of the question. Time to be direct and to the point.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t know you and frankly I don’t really want to get to know you. It was nice talking to you but I gotta go”

Harsh I know but I couldn’t let her blab to everyone.

I needed to get out of here and away from her.

I started to move around her and make my way to the stairs again. Kelly didn’t seem to want to let me go, though. She stepped quickly in front of me again, smiling that sweet smile of hers.

“Are you afraid of me?”

“What no!”

“Then are you afraid that,” she said and lowered her voice. “I saw you looking at that dress”

So she had seen me. She also knew what I was looking at.

I felt the familiar burn around my eyes as the tears started to flow. This was it, my life was over. I could just see school tomorrow. I bet I wouldn’t even be able to get five feet into the building before they kicked my ass. Freshman blood in the water. The seniors already gave me shit about my height. There was also something wrong about having hair just at my shoulders. Somehow being short and having long hair suddenly made me a fag. Their words, not mine. If they knew that I also liked looking at dresses then I was toast.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you…”

I pushed her away as hard as I could. I didn’t even care that I put her on her butt. I stepped over her and ran for the stairs. I was halfway down them when I heard a commotion. Someone was running behind me. Then a second later they were in front of me. What I saw blew my mind. It was Kelly, she used the railing and the wall and somehow hoped in front of me. It was like something straight out of Assassin’s Creed. Bad ass Assassin parkour at its finest. She dropped in front of me with ease too, she wasn’t even panting.

Who the hell was this girl?

“What kind of person would I be if I let you run out of here in tears,” she said, gently putting her hands on my shoulders. “Now c’mon, let’s go sit down and talk for a minute”

I was too upset to argue. I let her take me by the hand and lead me back up the stairs. She led me over to a small seating area in one of the lesser used corners. It was right near the bathroom and there was a bit of a smell so not many people used it. The benches were clean at least. Sitting down, she let me have a few moments to collect myself.

I hated crying.

I especially hated doing it in front of other people.

It didn’t help that Dad always used to give us a hard time. Ok so not actually us, more like me. My brothers didn’t cry. Well, they did when something sad happened of course. We were all bawling when Mom died. Even Dad. Not that any of them would ever admit it. They were men. They were macho men in fact and macho men didn’t cry. Whenever he caught me sniveling about something, he’d always say to me, “Man Up. Wilkes men do not cry”. Which was BS? You couldn’t stop someone from crying.

Unfortunately for me, though, I took his words to heart.

And I’ve been crying a lot lately.

“So you want to talk about it?”

I shook my head when I had my tears finally under control.

“No,” I said “I want to forget about it”

Kelly frowned. “You don’t open up to a lot of people, do you?”

I shrugged. She was right but I had my reasons. I knew the world was starting to become more understanding about these things but I was still scared. Especially in this town. We were a little backward in our way of thinking. Sure things were progressive, we had a gay couple who lived on our block. Things were still hard though too. Especially around the house. I’m not saying Dad was an outright bigot but he made it pretty well known his feelings about these things. Dad had a reputation about town that he had to maintain. He owned a string of auto shops and car dealerships all throughout the state. Well actually inherited them but still one needed to be a certain type of man to own those places, according to him.

To show weakness was like blood in the water.

To present yourself as anything less than 100% Red Blooded American Male was even worse.

It was all pretty stupid if you ask me.

“Look, thanks for the help,” I said, waving at my tear streaked cheeks. “I’m good now. You can go”

Yes please go.

She smiled and nodded. She stood up slowly, making sure that skirt of hers didn’t rid up. It was a nice one. She’d worn it a few times before and I’d always admired it. It was from Rue21 if I’m not mistaken, I’d seen it on their website. A skater skirt, much like the dress but without the bodice. It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing one wore in December but Kelly pulled it off nicely. She paired it with a nice pair of gray leggings, it suited her. Then again, everything she wore suited her just fine. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was jealous.

“It's nice, isn’t it?”

I nodded before I realized what I’d been asked. Of course, she’d caught me looking at her skirt. Clothes were after all my weakness. Especially cute ones like hers. In school, I always struggled with not looking. Not just at her either. There were a lot of girls there who dressed very well. Kelly was one of the many trendsetters, though. Her current style was preppy chic and it worked really well. Like I said before, straight out of The CW.

“I mean…ummm….nice legs”

Shit.

She smiled. It was a calculating, evil smile.

“You know maybe you can help me. You see Brian was supposed to meet me here but he got called into practice this morning. I need someone to carry my bags, play critic, that type of thing?”

Brian was her boyfriend. He was on the hockey team but he wasn’t like the rest. Sure he was a jock but he didn’t go out of the way to harass me like the others. In fact, more than once he’d actually stopped the harassing. He was a defenseman, you know those who stayed back by the goalie. So he was pretty big and scary when he wanted to be. Even some of the football players backed down when Brian told them too. He and Kelly had been dating for a while, I think since the start of sixth grade. They were one of the longest couples around. We used to be friends back in elementary school, well for a second anyway.

Puberty changed that.

‘I’m not sure…”

“It's fine,” she said with a laugh, cutting me off.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me from the bench. Kelly really was forceful when she wanted to be. I tried to dig my heels into the ground, futile because it was in fact marble. She was strong. Stronger than me that’s for sure. I tried to protest but my pleas fell on deaf ears. She dragging me toward the No Man’s Land too. My agitation was taken over by excitement the closer I got to the door. My heart started to beat faster and my palms started to sweat. I was actually going inside. This was the moment I’d been waiting my whole life for and there was no turning back now.

Passing over the threshold, I felt something.

Something important.

It was like the part of me that was male was left there, on the other side. Being here now, surrounded by all this femininity, I felt at peace.
Ok, so it wasn’t all feminine stuff. Dillards was a department store after all. There were men’s clothes in here too but the majority of it was for women. High class, fashionable women. This place was definitely on more of the expensive side that’s for sure. It’s funny really because it looked like the kind of place my Dad might buy his clothes from. If he didn’t insist on buying them all from online male clothing outlets. Being here now---standing amongst some of the things I dreamed about---was actually kind of anti-climatic. It was just any other store, I couldn’t help but wonder why I was so afraid to come in here before.

Kelly let go of my hand.

“I need to get a dress for Stephanie’s Christmas party, c’mon you can help me look”

“I don’t know anything about dresses,” I said quickly.

She smiled. “Well then you can just hold my bag like Brian does”

Kelly all but fluttered down the aisles. She glided like a princess, it was amazing to watch. Me, I was stomping about like a truck driver. I followed her slowly, trying not to look like I was taking it all in. I looked at everything, though, it was just so amazing. If I’d been shopping with Dad or the idiots, I’d never be able to come in here. So I was going to savor this while it lasted.

“I need something light and flirty, I want to knock Brian’s socks off,” she said, trying to include me in her shopping experience. “What do you think?”

“Ummm…”

Why was she doing this to me?

Was it some kind of cruel game of hers?

“Oh how about the one in the window, that what’s it called dress”

“Skater,” I said, without thinking.

Shit.

She smiled.

“Yeah that one”

So that was her game.

She didn’t say any more. Instead, she led me to the back of the store where there was a display of the dresses. The one in the window was an enticement, something to draw customers in. Then they put the actual dress in the back of the store that way the people would have to walk all the way through the store to get to it. On the way, they’d see other things they might want. It was a pretty clever thing to do. I had an uncle who worked retail. He said they did stuff like that all the time. Especially around the holidays. Christmas was after all only weeks away now.

The dresses were stellar.

An assortment of skater dresses, racer necklines, foil dipped hems, lace bodices. Super cute, super sexy and definitely super chic.

Kelly was currently eying a red one. Not as cute as the foil ones but it would still work. It would definitely look good on her. If she paired it with a nice pair of block heel sandals, it would look awesome. I closed my eyes and pictured it on her. Yeah, definitely great. As soon as the image of her left my head, I couldn’t help but picture myself wearing it too. The image made me grimace. I liked the look of the pretty clothes but being a boy I knew they’d look horrible on me. I didn’t have the body for something like that.

“Earth to Jay,” she said, snapping her fingers.

I snapped open my eyes, flushing. “Sorry, was distracted”

“I see that”

She was currently holding two dressed by the hanger, the red one she’d been eying and a nice blue one. Either one would look great on her. I’m just not sure what she wanted me to do with them.

‘Those are umm nice”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course they are. That’s not what I want to know, though. I want to know which color looks better on me”

Personally, I don’t think either color suited her. With her dark hair and fair skin, she would probably look best in black or a dark purple.

Neither color suited Christmas well, though.

“I think probably the red”

She scrutinized both dresses then sighed.

“Stand here for a sec,” she said, beckoning me over.

I walked over to where she was standing. She stepped aside. Then she held one dress up to me, placing the neckline under my chin.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re about my height and size, I want to see how it looks”

I tried to squirm away but her glare made me stand still.

She scrutinized again. Then she did the same with the other dress. She gave me the turnaround gesture. I actually had to take the dress from her, hold it up to my chin and turn around.

“I’m not sure actually. I like them both a lot. I think I might need a live model”

“A live model”

I really didn’t like the sound of that.

Well, I did like the sound of it actually but I knew where she was going. I was both excited and terrified at the same time. More terrified right now, though. She knew my secret and was now just toying with me. Like a vicious cat playing with a timid mouse. I wanted to run as fast as I could but that didn’t really work out so well for me last time. The way I saw it, I had two options. One I could blatantly refuse and storm out of here. It would be a dick thing to do but it would be the right thing to do. Or rather the male thing to do. It was something I knew I should do but it was honestly not something I wanted to do.

I wanted option two.

I needed option two.

“You want me to put on one of these, don’t you?”

Her smile got really big. “Oh, would you. That would be fantastic!”

Oh, she was definitely playing with me now.

‘Wait, what”

“There’s no one around, you’ll be fine. Just pop into the changing room over there, put on that red dress and tell me when you’re done. I’ll see if it looks good then I’ll buy it”

She made it sound so simple. I suppose it was. I really wanted to put it on but I was scared what might happen. I mean what if this was all a setup. As soon as I put the dress on, she could jump in there with a phone and take blackmail photos. Or worse, take the photos and plaster them all over her Wall on facebook. I’d be the laughingstock of the whole school. Not to mention the punching bag of every jock everywhere. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to face that kind of ridicule and beating.

“Go on, it’ll be fine. I’m not some malicious bitch out to destroy you”

She was smiling when she said it. She had such a nice, warm smile.

Damn it.

I groaned to make it sound like I really didn’t want to do it. Inside, I was practically dancing with anticipation.

Without any more hesitation, I took the red dress into the nearby dressing room. Generally, when I went clothes shopping with my Dad and brothers, we never bothered with dressing rooms. We just told our Dad the size pants or shirt we needed and he bought them. If they didn’t fit, he’d just take them back and get the next size down or up. When Mom was alive, shopping was a bit different. She used to make us do the whole nine yards---she’d measure us, make sure we used the dressing room and if something didn’t fit right, she’d meticulously make us try on clothes until we found the right articles that did fit. It used to drive my brothers nuts but I loved it.

I really missed her.

Ok so dress time.

I hung it on the little hanger on the back of the door, trying desperately to control my excitement as I did so. I started to undress which was a chore in or itself. I usually dressed in layers because I hated my body. First I took off my zip up hoodie, shaking free the mop my mop of dirty brown hair. Dad hated that I refused to get it cut. A boy shouldn’t have hair past his shoulders. It was only past them by a couple of inches but it freaked him out anyways. I liked t though. I also liked how it hung in my face, covering half of it. It made me look cool and mysterious.

I pulled my shirts off next---yes shirts as in plural, two of them.

I frowned at what I saw there.

Or the lack of what I saw.

I was fourteen. Most boys my age had gone through a massive puberty by this stage. They got taller, got muscles, hair on their chest and face. Me, I went through puberty but I didn’t get any of the male benefits. Which I suppose was what I wanted but at the same time, it’s like blood in the water in the locker room during gym class. I had no muscles to speak of and there definitely wasn’t any hair on my chest. I didn’t even have the broad shoulders like most boys. In fact, my body was downright feminine looking. Slender shoulders, thin waist. I could even see my ribs if I looked hard enough. I wasn’t what you might call tall either---only five seven. Which if you saw my father and brothers---who were at least six foot two or taller---then you’d know I was definitely the short one.

Taking off my pants, things didn’t get any better for my maleness.

I had girl hips.

Another plus for me but try being the boy who looks like this. I knew what I wanted in life but to other guys, I was a freak and they liked to let me know. The ridicule wasn’t anything too serious, just the typical locker room teasing. It stung though so I went out of my way to hide it as best as I could. I.E. the baggy hoodie, two shirts and the baggiest pair of pants I could get away with.

I couldn’t help but wonder if God was punishing me.

Here I was a boy but a boy with a clearly feminine body. Most boys would be tortured by it because they’d want to look manly. To me, it was torture in another way because it told me what I couldn’t have, what I’d never be able to have without help. I wanted more than anything to be whole and this body was a constant reminder that I’d never be what I wanted.

My last male humiliation was the tiny bulge in my boxer briefs.

Yeah, my brothers had a field day with that one.

“Everything ok?” asked Kelly from the other side of the door.

“I’m good, just taking my time”

“Well if you need any help just let me know”

How did I let her rope me into this?

Well, actually how did I blunder into this to be fair because that’s what I did. I got careless, she caught me and now she was clearly out to embarrass me. I was just waiting for the reveal of the whole prank.

I grabbed the dress. I’d stalled long enough.

I took a moment to run the fabric gently through my fingers. It was something I’d always wanted to do. It was something I remember doing with my mother. When she used to wear dresses, I always went out of my way to feel them in my fingers. I also used to rub the hem against my cheek and giggle. I didn’t do that now but I wanted too. I did close my eyes though and saw my mother again. Holding this dress made me think of her. It also made me think of all the special secret times we used to have with one another. Those times when my brothers were out and my father was work. The two of us would secretly slip into her room and she’d make me her daughter.

Her little princess.

Mom never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. She and I were in it one hundred percent.

With my eyes still closed, I absently put on the dress. I’d seen girls do it a hundred times on tv and in the movies and on YouTube. A dress like this one had a zipper in the back so you had to step into it. First putting your feet in at the bottom then slowly pulling it up your body. I put my head through the neck, my arms through the open sleeves and zipped up like I’d been doing it for years. All with my eyes closed too.

I took a deep breath before I opened them.

When I finally did, I started to tear up.

Whenever Mom and I had our secret mother-daughter time, she used to make a big spectacle out of it. She kept a few dresses for me in the back of her closet, hidden away from my father. Mom wouldn’t get the dress until she’d brushed my hair and painted my nails. Then she’d help me with my tights and my little shoes. I used to love the feel of the nylon on my legs and soft cotton of the girl’s underwear wasn’t nearly as harsh or as unwelcoming as the boxers that my father wanted his boys to wear. It was a whole new experience and I loved every bit of it. The dress always came last. It was usually pink and classy. Something a young, sophisticated girl would wear. I don’t really remember what Mom and I did together as mother and daughter but what she used to say after I got the dress on always stuck in my mind.

“There you are, Jessica”

Looking in the mirror now, at the young teen girl staring back at me, I couldn’t help but hear Mom’s voice in my head.

I mouthed the words right with her:

“There you are, Jessica”

I took off my glasses to get the full effect, brushing the hair from my eyes as I did so.

For so many years I’d been hiding her away, keeping her a secret from the world. She’d been fighting and straining, screaming to be let out. I was selfish and cruel. I kept her all to myself, locking her away like a nasty monster. But there she was again, here and smiling. I hadn’t smiled like that in a long time. I forgot how much I liked to smile, to be honest. Mom and I used to smile all the time. Things changed after she died, I changed. Her happy, smiling child died with her. I mourned my mother that terrible day but I think I cried for Jessica too.

A light knock on the door brought me from my revelry.

A second later, the door opened and Kelly slipped inside.

“Holy shit wow,” she said with a slight gasp.

“Yeah”

“So that’s what you’ve been hiding this whole time, huh?”

All I could do was nod.

“Well, you look amazing just like I knew you would. You’ve got a great body and that face, you’ve been hiding that behind all that hair for so long. No wonder you confuse the guys so much”

Huh.

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t know?” she asked, shocked. “The guys, they talk about you all the time. None of them can figure out if you’re a dude or a chick.”

She was lying. She had to be lying. I knew the guys, well most of them anyways. I’d heard what they say about me and none of them were confused. They were dicks. They liked to poke fun at me for a series of different things. None of them were confused about my gender, though.

“No”

“You really are clueless, aren’t you?”

I didn’t say anything.

“Then help me prove it. Wear this dress to Stephanie’s party”

I scoffed. “I’m not going to her party”

“Jay might not have been invited but I assure you, this girl would have been. You’re a real knockout, Stef would be an idiot not to have you there”

This time I laughed.

Wow, when was I last time I laughed.

“I don’t know”

“Well don’t decide right now anyway,” she said with a smile. “Get out of that dress and toss it over the door. I’ll ring it up and you can think about it later”

I nodded. She gave me a hug then left me alone.

It took me a few minutes to get undressed. I just wanted to stand here and stare at Jessica some more. I’d only ever seen her as a small child and the years had been kind to her. Looking at her now, I couldn’t help but wonder how I ever thought I was a boy. Sure I still technically was but there was clearly a girl staring back at me in the mirror. There had always been a girl there. Was I just that stupid not to see her?
I finally took the dress off then tossed it over the door for Kelly.

I redressed slowly, not wanting her to disappear.

The funny thing was that she was still there.

It was like a light being switched. Staring back at me---for the whole world to see---was Jessica.

How in the hell did that happen?

I didn’t step out of the changing room until a minute or so later. Kelly was standing there waiting, holding two shopping bags. She quickly held one of them out for me.

“What’s this?” I asked, taking the bag.

“Your dress dummy”

“My what?”

“Are you sure you’re not a blonde?” she said with a giggle. “It's your dress, you know the one you were just wearing”

What?

“No…I umm…can’t take this!” I said, trying to push it back to her.

She refused to touch the bag.

“Of course you can. It’s a gift, my gift to you”

A gift? But she’d already given me so much already.

“I can’t bring a dress home!”

“Don’t worry about it. If those morons ask you about it, just tell them I forgot it and you’re going to return it to me tomorrow”

Yeah like they’d ever believe that.

“I still can’t…”

Kelly rolled her eyes. “You’ve been looking at that dress all day. Last week you were in here looking at another one and the week before that”

“How do you know that?”

She rolled her eyes again. “Because I’m here every weekend too. I’ve been watching you window shop for two months now dummy. Always stopping at every window, staring at every dress. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to intervene. You can try to hide it all you want, Jay, but there was a girl inside of you screaming to get out”

Two months?

I started to tear up again.

“I’ve been so stupid”

“No not stupid, just in pain. I wanted to help, I needed to help. You looked so lost and lonely. I told myself that I wanted to help you find that girl you were so desperately trying to hide”

“Jessica,” I said softly. “Her name…I mean…my name is Jessica”

Kelly smiled. “Welcome to the better sex, Jessie”

She held out her hand. I shook it.

We both laughed.

I was still really confused, though. Why would she want to do this for me, a complete stranger? Sure we were classmates but we weren’t exactly friends. Like I said before, we traveled in different social circles. I should have been an insignificant, non-entity to her. And yet, she went out of her way to help me?

“Why would you do this for me?”

Before she could say anything, though, we heard laughing. Coming toward us was my brothers. Brian was with them too. They made a motley crew. Like I said Brian wasn’t a bad guy but why he ever wanted to hang out with those three was beyond me.

“Hey babe,” he said, grabbing Kelly into a big hug.

“Bri Bri” she said then shot my brothers a look. “Morons”

I wanted to laugh but I knew what would happen if I did.

“What is the loser doing with you,” asked Hank, my sixteen-year-old brother.

He and Harry were twins. Frank was the oldest, a senior like Brian.

“Your brother was wandering about the mall when I found him. He’s been a Godsend today. He’s been helping me carry my bags while I shopped” She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “ A real sweetheart”

My brothers’ mouths dropped open. I couldn’t help but smirk at them.

Thanks for that Kelly.

“Well, we gotta go now. Dad wants us home for dinner” said Frank, I couldn’t help but see him smirk too.

Kelly took my hand and pulled me away, telling them to give me a moment.

“You’re a strong, independent woman, don’t let those assholes get you down”

“Thanks”

She took out her cell, making me do the same. We exchanged numbers then she gave me a hug. As we were hugging, she whispered in my ear:

“To answer your question earlier about why I’m helping you, well us girls have to stick together after all”

She pulled back and winked.

My mouth popped open.

She kissed me on the cheek again.

“I’ll see you at the party then?”

I numbly nodded.

She did that little half hand wave some girls did. Then she walked over to Brian and looped her arm with his. They said something to one another, laughed and wandered off. I stood still, stunned. Did she mean what I thought she meant?

I watched her go.

No, there was just no way.

Frank came wandering over a few seconds later. He nudged me with his shoulder, breaking me from my numbness.

“Hey what’s with the bag?” he asked.

Shit.

“It’s a gift,” I said dumbly.

“A gift?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “For who?”

“A girl I know,” I said confidently. “I haven’t seen her in a while but we recently reconnected. Her name is Jessica and I think I’m going to be seeing a lot more of her from now on”

Author’s note: As I’m sure all of you know, comments are life blood to an author. I’m not begging or demanding, but I certainly would appreciate anything you have to say (or ask). It doesn’t have to be long and involved, just give me your reaction to the story. Thanks in advance...EOF

Here I Am

Author:

Enemyoffun

Caution:

CAUTION: Language

Audience Rating:

General Audience (pg)

Publication:

500 < Short Story < 7500 words

Genre:

Transgender

Character Age:

Teenage or High School

TG Themes:

Sweet / Sentimental

TG Elements:

Fancy Dress / Prom / Evening Gown

Other Keywords:

Christmas

Permission:

Posted by author(s)

Here I Am
by:
Enemyoffun

Two weeks ago, Jay's secret was discovered at the mall. Instead of running and hiding from it like usual, he decided to embrace it. Now he's about to reveal her true self and is terrified that people won't accept her for who she truly is.

Author's Note: So 2 years ago, I wrote a story called There You Are. It was a happy Christmas story that everyone wanted me to continue. I debated and mulled over another one for a long time. Sorry its so late. Especially with it being several days after Christmas lol. I did intend to post this one a lot sooner but I kept getting side tracked. Before you read this one, I highly recommend you read the first story or you might be a little lost.

I tried to be stealthy as I slipped down the back stairs into the kitchen. It was football night and if I was lucky I might be able to get out the door before Dad noticed. It's not like I ever made a habit of going out after the sun was down. I almost made it to the back door before Dad walked into the kitchen. The universe was a Cruel Mistress. We stood and stared at one another for a long time, neither sure what to say. Me, standing there in my usual hoodie with my backpack slung on one shoulder. Him in his weekend clothes with an empty beer can in hand.

He broke the silence.

“Where are you going?”

I took a deep breath.

I had a plan for this. I practiced it several times in my bedroom before coming down the stairs. Just in case. It was a good thing too because I was a terrible liar. Dad could always detect lies from a mile away too. So I took my time and managed to craft what I thought was a masterful one.

“I’m going to my friend’s for a bit, is that ok?”

Ok, so it wasn’t as masterful as I thought.

The look on Dad’s face though.

“You have...I mean who’s your friend?”

He recovered quickly.

I almost snickered.

I didn’t have that many friends. At least none that I ever really hung out with outside of school. It wasn’t easy being me and hiding who I was all the time. I just felt like a fraud lying to people. It was bad enough I’d been lying to my Dad and brothers all these years. No one really understood me. No one except Mom that is. It was a lot easier when she was here, helping me with the lie too.

“Kel...vin”

I almost said, Kelly. I wanted to avoid that conversation. I was hoping just telling him I had a friend was enough. Dad had been trying to nudge me out of the door for months now. He kept hinting that it was unhealthy for a boy my age to sit up in his room all day reading comic books and playing games on my computer. He just didn’t understand. I liked doing those things. I liked being alone. I liked being invisible. I was pretty good at it too. That is until Kelly. She was a relentless whirlwind. When she set her mind to something, there was no stopping her.

She knew my secret too.

She caught me in the mall last weekend.

I had been pretty discreet about the whole thing or so I thought. Kelly was on to me though. For months apparently. Last Saturday she decided to strike. She caught me off guard. She broke me down, got me into a dress and the rest, as they say, is history. Ever since Mom died, I’d been hiding the girl inside. I was hoping no one would ever see her. Kelly saw her though. She was bound and determined to free her from her cage too. She succeeded. The two of us have been pretty discreet about it ever since. She tracked me down at school on Monday, got my cell number off me and has been texting me on and off all week.

We were secret friends.

We didn’t move in the same social circles after all. Kelly wanted to be my friend at school but I told her I couldn’t do that to her. Besides, how would we explain it? I was the quiet loner geek and she was the most popular girl in my grade. It was an impossible friendship. So I was happy just texting back and forth, regardless of her protests to the contrary. Plus it's not like it was all bad. I had a friend who I didn’t have to hide from.

Thinking about it, I was so lost in thought, I completely missed what Dad was saying to me.

“I’m sorry Dad, what was that?”

He sighed. “I was saying, if you need a ride home, call me but make sure its before ten o’clock, I have to be at the lot early tomorrow...”

“I’m not sure how late I’ll be honest” I lied, hoping that he noticed that I was fidgeting while doing it.

He nodded. “Well, your brothers are going to be out somewhere tonight. Curfew is still midnight. You have your key right?”

I patted my jacket pocket. He smiled and continued into the kitchen to get another beer.

Dad was pretty lax when it came to us doing things. Like going out. As long as we got back home at a reasonable time he allowed us some leeway. It helped that we were on vacation now. School let out yesterday for Winter Break. I now had three whole weeks to do whatever I wanted. Kelly seemed to have that all planned out for us in advance. Especially tonight. Stephanie’s party. She’d been bugging me all week and I’ve been telling her no all week. Yet somehow…

“Thanks, Dad,” I said with a smile as I made my way toward the back door.

As soon as I stepped out onto the porch, my cell beeped.

It was Kelly.

HEY GIRL, YOU READY?

I grunted.

NO, I typed nervously.

TOUGH. GET YOUR CUTE BUTT OVER HERE.

And it begins.

----- OOO-----

“Stop fidgeting” she hissed.

I couldn’t help it. I didn’t remember this dress being this short. I kept tugging at the hem, hoping to pull it closer to my knees. I only ever wore it that one time at the mall. Even though Kelly suggest I try it on a few more times. I was always too scared, even with my door locked. My brothers had a way of pestering me to the point of cracking. Not to mention my Dad. He didn’t like locked doors in his house. Partially because last year he caught one of the twins smoking in their room. Ever since he’s been a huge stickler on open doors. So I really had no place to secretly wear my new dress.

“Why is it so short?”

Kelly stopped doing her makeup and walked over to stand behind me in her mirror.

She scrutinized me for a few seconds.

Then smiled.

“It's the boobs!”

She gave my padded chest a quick squeeze with a giggle. I didn’t feel a thing. That didn’t stop me from smacking her hand away. A dress like this didn’t need boobs but Kelly wanted to create an illusion nonetheless. She had these little boobs that stuck to your chest. I’m not sure where she got them but I wasn’t complaining. Secretly I’d always wished to have them. I was still fairly new to puberty. Thankfully it hadn’t hit me full force yet. My brothers always used to give me crap for being so short and dainty. I put on a ruse and complained about it but secretly I loved it. I never was a big kid. I always had fair features and a quiet, soft voice. Dad kept telling me that it would change in time but of course, I never wanted that.

“Where did you get these again?” I asked, cupping my chest.

“Trade secret,” she said with a wink.

A moment later, I was back to tugging on the hem.

This time she smacked my hand away.

Then she took said hand and led me over to her vanity. She sat me down and spun the chair.

“No peeking,” she said with a giggle.

Then she went to work.

We only had another hour before Stephanie’s party started. Kelly was bound and determined to put as much distance between Jay and Jessica as she could. She started earlier with my hair. I always kept it on the long side but generally hidden in a lopsided ponytail or under a hood. The school was pretty lax about their dress code. The first thing she did was free it from its rubber hand. Then she made me go into her bathroom to shower, making sure I used her shampoo and conditioner. That was three hours ago when I arrived. After she blow dried it, she styled. It was an amazing transformation. I’m not sure how she put a wave in it but I wasn’t complaining. She turned my dull muddy brown locks into something vibrant and eye-popping.

Now she was working on my face.

“Did you get the contacts?”

I nodded.

Before I could say anything, she took my glasses off my face. The room was a hazy blur.

Not that I didn’t know what it looked like.

I was convinced her room was bigger than all of the rooms in my house combined. Kelly lived in a giant house. One of those McMansions. It helped that her parents were loaded. Her Mom was a defense attorney, her Dad worked for the state department. He was never home though, he split his time between here and DC. She told me she saw him every other weekend. He was also planning on taking some time off before Christmas, taking them on vacation. I was a little envious. I couldn’t remember the last time we went on a family vacation. I was certain it was way before Mom got sick. I vaguely remember a long car trip and my brothers being very annoying the whole way.

No one in my family had much time for anything.

The car business was better than ever according to Dad.

The twins lived and breathed sports.

Even Frank was busy with college prep stuff.

Kelly gently shook my shoulder, shaking me from my thoughts again.

“You’re drifting again,” she said with a giggle.

“Guess I’m not used to being pampered,” I said truthfully.

I couldn’t remember the last time someone actually paid attention to me.

Save last week when she found me in the mall.

I found myself lost in thought again. Not about one thing though. I just let my mind drift as she did her work. I know I should have been paying attention to all the makeup she was putting on my face but there was such a flurry of things going on, it was too hard. I recognized most of it. When not being watched, I spent a good portion of my time watching makeup tutorials videos on YouTube. I frequented quite a few but mostly this British girl---Nova something---she seemed to have the skill of a true artist. She made her tutorials simple and easy to follow. I wonder if Kelly watched them too? I couldn’t help but notice she was using a lot of the products that Nova recommended.

I thought about asking but she suddenly stopped.

It took a lot faster than I thought.

“You’re done?”

She nodded. “We want a minimal look. You have such great skin and your complexion is amazing. I didn’t want to do too much to draw away from your natural beauty. So I just did your lips and your eyes. Did anyone tell you they were your best feature?”

I smiled and nodded softly.

Mom used to tell me how much she loved my eyes.

They were green but with flecks of gold in them.

Like hers.

Thanks in no small part to my mother’s Irish heritage. We were also the only ones in the family who had green eyes. Dad and my brothers had yucky brown.

“Here, put these in so you can see,” she said, handing me the little case with my contacts.

Contacts weren’t a totally new thing for me. I had a pair a while ago but I let the prescription expire last year. They were just something I never bothered with. I didn’t care if I wore glasses or not. My Dad didn’t care either way. He did offer to get me that laser eye surgery if I wanted it though. I turned him down though. Personally, the glasses helped me stay invisible. Once upon a time, they might have drawn more attention but nowadays a lot of people wore glasses. The idea of the Four Eyed Nerd was a thing of the past. Most people didn’t look my way. So I was safely able to get away with them without too much trouble.

Kelly wanted me to lose them though.

Not out of malicious intent though.

She seemed to think that a girl like Jessica didn’t need them.

Kelly had an image of Jessica in her head apparently. An image she was trying to create today. An image I was allowing her to mold. I was like a blank canvas waiting for all that vibrant color. Kelly was my eager artist.

Delicately putting in the contacts, I finally got to look at her masterpiece.

I was stunned.

“That’s me?”

I was staring at the stunningly beautiful girl in the mirror. Her usually limp dark brown hair was wavy and full of life, her dull face was brought to life by the eye makeup and shiny lips. Those eyes often hidden behind dweeby glasses were now front and center, full of vibrant curiosity. It was hard to believe that this girl was actually me. I mean sure I knew she was always there. I saw her last weekend. Seeing her then and seeing her now though were two completely different things. Maybe it was the hair styling or the makeup, maybe it was even the fake boobs. Whatever it was though, Jessica seemed more lively and full of life.

I was smiling.

I couldn’t remember the last time I smiled like that.

“I take it you approve then?” she asked, putting her hands on my shoulders.

I nodded like a dumb idiot, too mesmerized to speak.

“I do great work it seems.”

We both laughed.

I stared at myself in the minute for a few more seconds before nudged me.

“Ok so I have shoes that should work,” she said as she held up a pair. “I also have a little clutch that matches.”

She left the shoes on my lap as she wandered off to her closet.

I lost her there.

Instead, I focused on what she wanted me to put on my feet.

I’d worn heels before.

Several times.

It was part of the Mother/Daughter time, Mom and I used to have. Back then though they were little girl heels, not even an inch. The type of heel that a girl might wear if she was playing dress up. I used to glide around the house in them, always when Dad and the idiots were gone of course. I’d gotten pretty good at walking around in them too. These shoes though were a different ball game. I hadn’t worn heels in years. Looking at them, I could see they were at least two inches. I fingered the smooth leather, excited at the thought of gliding again.

“They’re nice right?” asked Kelly, turning away from the closet for a moment.

I nodded, before slipping one on my foot.

It was only slightly tight. I had small feet. Another curse of my small stature. At least that’s what my brothers liked to say. They ridiculed me a lot of the size of them. I secretly loved it. I loved it, even more, knowing that Kelly was pretty much the same size as me. There was something satisfying knowing that my feet were the same size as a girl’s.

I smiled as I slipped my foot into the other one.

Then I stood.

I was a little wobbly at first. It had been a few years after all. I took a few cautious steps forward before gently walking around the room. It was like riding a bike. I almost twirled. Instead, I found myself walking back over to the vanity to sit.

Kelly smiled. “Those aren’t your first pair of heels, are they?”

I blushed the color of my dress.

Kelly smiled then brought me a clutch. “This matches your dress, it should be perfect.”

Before handing it to me though, she starting to put a few items inside like a compact, some of the makeup she used, a pack of travel tissues. I flushed several shades of embarrassed when she tossed in a few tampons. For the illusion, she explained. She also made me hand over my wallet. She transferred all its content to a feminine equivalent before tossing that in as well. I was surprised really because there wasn’t much in there. I wasn’t old enough yet to even get my Learner’s permit. I did have a library card and a couple of store cards. What little cash I had was gone, haven’t been spent on this little endeavor. All the makeup, for instance, she told me what to buy.

She handed me the clutch then the two of us left her room.

I was a little nervous going downstairs.

“Oh girls you look amazing,” said Kelly’s mother when we walked into the living room.

I was a little surprised and apprehensive when she opened the door earlier. Especially because I was dressed in my boy clothes. My fears though were unfounded. Ever since Kelly told me that most people at school already thought I was a girl, I’d been paying more attention. It was the little things I started to notice. Walking into the house early, Mrs. Donalds immediately started treating me like I was a member of the fairer sex. Not that I was complaining. I was just mildly surprised by it all. More so when I thought back to some of the past interactions I’ve had with various people over the years. Had they all thought I was a girl too? Just thinking about it made me the happiest person in the world.

“Thanks, Mom,” said Kelly, doing a twirl.

I watched my friend twirl. Then looked at her mother. It was easy to see how the two of them were related. They were both exceptionally beautiful people. They had enough Asian features that made them even more beautiful. Kelly told me her great-grandparents meant during World War 2. Her grandfather was an American GI, her grandmother a Japanese refuge. It was one of those forbidden romances. They got married shortly after the war ended. He brought her back to the US with him. Kelly’s grandfather---their son---married an American girl, Kelly’s grandmother. They had three children, one of them Kelly’s mother of course. It all sounded kinda nice.

My family was very small.

My father only had the one sibling, my uncle Jake and he was always too busy to marry. Mom had a couple of sisters but they didn’t live around here. My Dad’s parents were in Florida. Mom’s parents were in Vermont. None of them visited often. Then I had Dad and the Idiots.

We were all one big happy family.

Not.

Mrs. Donalds must have picked up on my negativity toward it because she gave me a look. “You ok, honey?” she asked with some concern.

I nodded. “Just thinking about my stupid brothers,” I said with a laugh.

“They’re the worst,” said Kelly, gently squeezing my hand.

We sat around talking for a few more minutes. Most of the conversation was centered around Kelly’s mother and her numerous compliments. Then her mother starting discussing curfew. Unlike me, Kelly had to be in the house no later than ten. I guess it made sense. Mothers were a bit more strict with daughters than they were with sons. I was both relieved and annoyed by that. Mostly because I felt bad that Kelly had such restrictions. The other part of me wished that my father saw me that way and was just as strict. It was a blessing and a curse I suppose.

“Are you driving tonight, honey?” her mother asked as we walked toward the kitchen.

“Is that ok?”

Her mother frowned but nodded. “Stephanie is only down the road so it should be ok.”

Though Kelly and I were both freshmen, she was a couple of months older. She was now sixteen and had her license. Her parents wouldn’t let her drive to school but she was allowed short trips around the city. She was allowed to drive as long as she wanted as long as one of them was with her though. I was still a few months away from sixteen. Dad had already started taking me out for lessons though. We did it mainly in parking lots to avoid any serious accidents. I was getting better at it. Dad told me he was impressed because I was a lot more cautious driving than my brothers were when they started.

“There’s my baby,” said Kelly with a slight squeal as we walked into their large garage.

It was big enough for at least six cars.

I wasn’t the least bit surprised by the quality of said vehicles either. There were two Mercedes S classes, an Escalade and of course, Kelly’s “Baby”. I’d seen her drive the shiny blue Miata around town. It was a sleek and sexy car. I’m not sure the convertible was right for the window but with the top up I think it would be all right. I couldn’t help but drool a bit over it too. I might have been all girl on the inside but I still could appreciate some boyish things. I loved cars. I guess that’s a given seeing as my father was a car man. Looking at this fine piece of machinery before me, I couldn’t help but stroke the hood when we got close.

“I see someone is in love too,” she said with a giggle as she unlocked the doors.

I nodded like a dumb idiot.

Kelly giggled. “Wait until you feel how smooth the ride is.”

----- OOO-----

The ride to Stephanie’s house was very quick. Kelly apparently only lived a few blocks away. The closer we got, the more nervous I was starting to become. I’d always been apprehensive about this party. I’m not even sure how I let Kelly talk me into it. Last weekend when she told me she bought the dress to wear to this party, I thought she was kidding. Over the week though, she kept telling me I was going. I humored her for a bit until I realized that she actually roped me into it. That’s when I went out to get the makeup and things. It still felt pretty unreal to me. Even when I was in Kelly’s bedroom earlier, getting dressed and fully emerged in this lie.

No, not a lie.

Jessica was not the lie.

I had to keep telling myself that. Jay was the lie. I think when my mother started dressing me up all those years ago, it had started as some harmless fun. Mothers can have fun with their young children. As I grew though and didn’t tell her to stop, I think we both knew. That’s why our sessions started to become secret. We found whatever time we could to be the mother and daughter both of us wanted. When Mom got sick, I tried to do it without her but I just couldn’t. After she was gone, I stopped altogether. It felt wrong to be a daughter when Mom wasn’t there to be with her anymore. That, of course, didn’t stop me from looking. I thought I’d been discreet about it.

I wasn’t.

I was scared and upset when Kelly caught me but I think I was happy too. Kelly was my life saver. Without her, Jessica would still be sitting in the dark, never again to see the light.

I couldn’t help but smile at that.

I also couldn’t help but smile at Stephanie’s house.

Though not as large as Kelly’s, it was still pretty impressive. It was also surprisingly just around the corner from my own. It was weird. I’d lived in our house all my life and never knew that Stephanie and Kelly lived so close. I guess that goes to show how much disadvantages you have when you’re a loner. Thinking about it made me sad but all the Christmas decorations perked me up a bit. Her house was vibrant with light. It was classy too, not overblown like some overzealous people got this time of year. My father usually paid a professional to string our lights. It was very well done but it lacked that personal touch. It was clear that someone in Stephanie’s house hung these decorations themselves.

I smiled at it again.

“You seem happy,” said Kelly as we pulled up in front of the house.

There were already a lot of cars parked around us.

“I like Christmas”.

I did too.

It used to be my favorite holiday.

I almost teared up. Kelly gave me a concerned look.

“You ok?”

I nodded. “It's just that without Mom, Christmas isn’t the same.”

Kelly grabbed my hand and pulled me into a hug. It was nice. I’m not sure someone had ever hugged me to comfort me. I almost cried. It was a good thing I didn’t. I definitely did not want to walk into this party with my make up a mess.

Kelly took my hand and led me out of the car.

As we walked up the driveway, my nerves started to take over again. I felt like I wanted to puke. I also felt like I wanted to run. This was stupid. People were going to know. I was a boy. They were going to see a boy in a dress. I started to panic. My body grew hot and the world started to swim around me. I felt like I was going to pass out. Kelly seemed to notice because the next thing I knew, she had her hands on my shoulders and was standing directly in front of me.

“Breathe,” she said in a soft voice. “In and out. You’re going to be ok.”

I did as she asked.

“Now, I know you’re scared and nervous. I’ve been there. I know the fear and anxiety. You’re a pretty girl, Jess. You’re beautiful and confident and people will love you. They’re not going to see a boy in a dress. They’re going to see the lovely woman you are. The lovely woman that everyone thinks you are.”

I continued to breathe as she took me gently by the hand again and led me toward the house. The breathing helped because I wasn’t nearly as nervous as she rang the bell. I stopped breathing though as the door opened. I’d only known Stephanie Wright in passing. Like Kelly, she was one of the more popular girls in school. She was that perky blonde cheerleader that most of the guys wanted to date. If the locker room rumors were true, most of them that were worth having, had their shot. I’m not saying Stephanie was a slut but she did get around. Though my not thinking she was a slut wasn’t help but the tight, skimpy dress she was wearing. Especially when it was exposing a lot of her “assets” to everyone.

“Kel, glad you could make it,” said our vapid host as she half hugged my friend.

I wanted to gag.

Stephanie for all her happy niceties was always a pretty artificial person.

“Stef, this is Jessica. She’s a new friend”.

Stephanie gave a long, hard look. She seemed to be scrutinizing me with those piercing blue eyes of hers. Eyes that I noticed were roaming slowly up and down my body. She was sizing me up. I couldn’t help but feel a bit like a side of beef. The more she looked though, the more I realized she wasn’t actually sizing me up as a mate. She was checking out the perceived competition. So this was the World of Girls.
“I’ve seen you around,” she said with flippant disinterest.

And that was that.

She turned and ushered us into the house. Kelly gave a “Sorry” look and we walked inside. Stephanie sashayed away, leaving the two of us standing in her overly large foyer. I had to admit, the Wrights had an amazing house. It wasn’t nearly as grand as Kelly’s place but it was pretty impressive. The foyer opened up into a large living area with high, vaulted ceilings. It was currently jammed with people dressed in festive colors. People who I saw almost every day. There was a small lump in my throat as Kelly took my hand again and led me toward them. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I heard Stephanie was having a party. I always imagined what they might be like and I’ve heard the stories but it was surprisingly subdued. Maybe it was because it was a Christmas one.

I was expecting loud ear splintering music, shouting and beer pong.

The music was holiday themed, there was idle chatter and though people were rowdy, it was a good kind. Kelly brought me from one group to the next, introducing me as we stopped for a moment or two. A lot of the girls hugged her. Many of them gave me polite hellos but none of them seemed too interested. There were a few who claimed to know me or lied and said they did. I knew my merit at school. I was Invisible Boy. I was happy with it too. It was nice that these people were being polite but it was clear none of them actually cared who I was. I was ok with that though.

I was only here because Kelly insisted.

“Oh, there’s Brian” my kidnapper squealed.

She let go of my hand, making it a bit harder for me to follow her. I managed though. I squeezed my way through the people to where her boyfriend was standing. He was with a group of jocks, most of them from the Football and Hockey teams. They were all milling about, sipping on punch, chatting about some game. I was never really interested in sports but I had a passable knowledge about them. It was one of my survival tactics, living in a house with my brothers.

“Brian, you remember Jess, right?”

Brian gave me a look for a second. Then a much longer look. I saw it in his eyes, he knew. Why wouldn’t he know? We used to be friends in elementary school after all. He was one of the only people here, besides Kelly, who probably knew my true gender. The look he gave me said it all. He was surprised at first but quickly recovered.

“Of course,” he said with a slow, calculated voice. “It's nice to see you again, Jess.”

When Brian looked at me, I was surprised at the smile.

It seemed almost genuine.

It was still pretty awkward though.

From there, the rest of the night slowly developed. First, it was all pretty strange and hard. I was nervous that someone other than Kelly and Brian would figure me out. Visions of getting my ass kicked plagued me for at least an hour. After that hour though, I calmed down. No one seemed to know. If they did, they didn’t care. I suppose that’s a commentary on today’s society. Things like boys dressing as girls weren’t nearly as taboo as they used to be. Just like being gay. In fact, there were several gay couples here at the party. No one even blinked when two boys or girls were dancing and making out. It was a new world and I was proud to be born into it.

The night wasn’t without its problems though.

I suddenly found myself alone.

Kelly and Brian desperately wanted to dance and who was I to interfere with that.

“You’ll be fine,” she told me as she dragged her man off to the makeshift dance floor.

I wasn’t so sure.

Nervously crossing my arms, I wandered over to get a cup of punch before slowly making my way to the couch. Thankfully there was no one around. I made sure I sat properly. I was hoping to go unnoticed. I almost succeeded. I’m not sure where Rod came from but I wasn’t happy to see him. I knew Rodney Grace well. In middle school, he’d been the bane of my existence for a while. He never went out of his way to get violent with me but it got close. The only thing that stopped him was fear of my brothers. That didn’t stop him from calling me all sorts of names and sneering at me whenever he could.

The look that he was giving me now was no sneer.

He was licking his lips.

I felt sick to my stomach.

He was almost to the couch when I felt someone slip down next to me.

“Hey, babe,” said a voice as an arm wrapped around my waist.

The person spoke loud enough for Rod to hear.

The jack ass stopped dead in his tracks and turned on his quickly.

I froze at the arm around me.

Then slowly turned my head to find Tom Sanders.

I almost had a heart attack.

I knew Tom.

There wasn’t a girl in school who didn’t. He was drop-dead gorgeous. I should know, I’ve looked many times. One might call me gay and I wouldn’t be mad if they thought so. Like I said it was a Whole New World but I wasn’t gay for Tom. I was a girl who just so happened to be crushing. I crushed on him hard. I tried desperately not to show it though. That was a little easier said than done because he was my lab partner.

“You ok?” he asked, feeling me tense up.

“Huh,” I asked.

He took his arm away. “I saw that parasite honing in across the room. Then I saw the pure look of dread on your face. There was a Damsel in need of rescuing”.

“I’m fine,” I said in a soft voice.

I noticed that even though he removed his arm, he was still sitting pretty close.

I moved away.

He chuckled. “Is this your first time?”

I gave him a look then decided to defuse the situation. “To a party, yes."

He smiled then leaned in close. “I knew that. I meant is this your first time out, dressed like that?”

Oh shit.

He knew.

Of course, he knew. We sat next to each other every day. He usually bummed my notes off me whenever he could. Tom was a smart guy but Earth science was not his top subject. I tried to be helpful as I secretly pined for him.

All of that was gone now.

I was dead meat.

I started to shake. Then a second later, I tried to bolt. I managed to get to my feet to make a run for it. This was a mistake. A massively huge one. I would have made the escape too if not for the fake that he was holding my arm. When did that happen?

“Calm down, you’re ok,” he said, slowly easing me back to the couch. “I’m not going to hurt you and I’m not going to tell anyone.”

I scoffed. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

He sighed. “I would never do that to you. My little sister is like you. So trust me when I say this, I’m not going to out you.”

His sister?

I was confused. Tom didn’t have a….

Oh.

Wow.

I was stunned. “I had no idea.”

He nodded. “She hides it well. My parents won’t let her be herself at school. She leaves the house every morning absolutely miserable and spends the rest of the day at home the happiest girl in the world. Its because of her that I’ve been watching you.”

Watching me?

Was he some kind of Perv?

I started to get up again but he had a pretty strong grip.

“Not like that,” he said with a laugh. “I meant, I realized the two of you were the same. You liked to look at the girls but not like most boys. It took some time but when you grow up with a trans sister, you start to notice the signs. I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Though most of our classmates think you’re a really shy girl. I have to say you clean up really nice. I almost didn’t recognize you.”

“Thanks,” I said, very confused and bit scared.

Tom was holding all the cards now.

“So are you going to tell everyone then?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not a cruel person.”

“Then what do you want?”

There had to be a reason he was still here. If all he wanted to do was keep me from dealing with Rod, well mission accomplished.

“Well,” he said sheepishly. “I was hoping you’d dance with me?”

Wait, what?

I gave him a look. “I’m a guy. You know that. Why would you want….”

He put a finger to my mouth, stopping me.

“I see no guy next to me. I see a beautiful girl I’ve been secretly crushing on all year.”

No way.

“You’re serious?” I asked, surprised and giddy.

“Like a heart attack."

“You want me?”

He smiled. “Well, there was this girl, my lab partner. This quiet, shy thing. I was thinking about asking her out but I figured she was way out of my league.”

I giggled.

What was I doing? Could I really do this? Could I really dance with Tom?

“So have you seen a girl like that around here?”

To hell with it.

“Sure,” I said, holding out my hand.

Tom smiled, took my hand and lead me off to dance.

I rested my head on his shoulder for the rest of the night. It was strange really. I definitely did not come here for this. I’m not even sure how it happened. Hell, I didn’t even want to be here. I’m happy to say that I’m glad I came though. As I danced with Tom, all my apprehension about this night, about my life, seemed so little and petty. Sure I had a lot of obstacles ahead of me but for tonight, I could be who I wanted to be, with whoever I wanted to be with. I would deal with everything else tomorrow.

Tonight I was Jessica.

Here I Am.