Mom and Daddy are still scared, but they're trying not to let me know they are. Doctor Gwen told them that it was time for them to let me to do it. They keep telling me that if I change my mind -- shyeah, right! -- that Daddy'll be there immediately to get me.

What do you think? I mean, you're not the OLD Diary, so don't have all that depressing poetry or anything, but... you know me now, too. Do you think I could ever be happy as Ethan?

On top of all the excitement of being the real me, I'm a FRESHMAN, too!

I set out my uniform already, and Mom showed me how to tie the scarf. Daddy tried to be all goofy and show me, but he just is so NOT good at being a girl.

Not a lot of homework, but I'm still just so excited. Things went so. So. NORMAL! I had to stop myself from talking to people as if I already knew them. I swear, if I never have to say, "Hi, I'm Courtney, pleased to meet you!" again, it'll still be too soon!

So, let's see... I have a great schedule, lemme see if I can remember it all for you...

First hour, I'm in Mixed Choir -- I'm an alto, did you know that? -- with Schumway. She's got a goofy grin and likes to laugh, and she made a lot of the girls mad when she moved them around to get a better sound from the whole. Totally didn't even seem to notice their fits. It was great when Lenora Yost sang off-key on purpose. "Miss Yost, private tutoring is available from Madeline Williams, the retired choir mistress, for those that have trouble with the basics. I can send your mother a brochure with the prices if you'd like." Laugh. Out. Loud. Seriously, we were working hard not to giggle at her the rest of class.

Second hour is French with Herman, and it was so confusing, but neat. She refused to speak English, and we had to try to figure out what she meant by gestures and the funny faces she made. I'm supposed to memorize the French Alphabet and how to say each letter tonight.

Third hour is Algebra I with Stoneriver. She's scary, but I think she's just no-nonsense. It's not like Algebra is hard, anyway. She kinda glared at me when I walked up to her desk, until she realized I was turning in the assignment and not coming up to ask a question.

Fourth hour is Drama with Ward, and I'm apprently REALLY lucky to be allowed in. First "Frosh" allowed to take the class in over a decade. She's also one of the two teachers that know my secret, but I'm seriously thinking she would be my favorite, anyway! She's what Daddy would call a "spitfire" type of lady.

Then is lunch period, and I was so lonely! No one sat with me, no one talked to me... but no one picked on me or anything, either!

Fifth hour is Geography & History -- which will be Civics & Debate second semester -- with Wenchley. He's funny. I think I may really enjoy History for once. I mean, I usually hate it, but we went in and he had the blackboard FILLED with all these rebel quotes. A lot of people in history that we're supposed to look up to were rebels, did you know that?

Sixth hour is "Language Arts" -- which is just a silly name for an English class. I mean why can't they just call it English like they did in Middle School? Oh, I have Worthing for that one, and she's the other teacher that knows my secret. I'm not sure if she's... okay... about it or not. She kept looking at me funny all period.

Seventh (and last) hour is my science course. D'oh. Biology I. Which implies I'll have to take Biology II at some point. Bleech. The teacher is a big burly dude that's probably some coach or other named Towers. He was wheezing all through class, like, I thought he was gonna keel over and we'd have to grab one of the cell phones he'd confiscated at the beginning of class and call 9-1-1! But he just carried on, and actually gave us NOTES. On the first day of class!

I mean, I could sign up for Zero Hour if I want, and I could have some before school stuff and after school stuff... but for now I have a good feeling about this year! Whoa. I wrote a LOT today, my page is almost full. Your page. What-EVER.

But for another, I think I made a friend today... but I'm not certain. Now, Jennifer Higgleston walked up and sat with me at lunch today. I looked up at her and she just smiled. She held out her hand and said, "Hi! Everyone needs a friend, and new kids have never bitten in the past... I'm Jennifer." Then she grinned at me. Doesn't sound so bad, right? I mean, she's not one of the "Popular" crowd, but she is one of the more popular freshman girls. We talked through lunch and then as I started walking home, she called out to me and waved.

Doesn't sound like a bad thing at all. I know. But(!)

I'm afraid. I mean, what if I'm like her project, and she's getting kudos from the popular kids for "taking pity" on the new girl? Paranoid, right? I mean, it's only the second day, I should make other friends, right? Well, if I'm wrong about her, I'll have thrown away a friend -- which I know from being on the receiving end that it SUCKS. If I'm right... well, it means everyone else will realize it before me and I'll be the laughingstock poor li'l girl that everyone pities. AUGH!

And... there's the fact that I feel a little weird being friendly to one of the girls that were part of the whole GoalPost Incident last year. Yeah, she was only the lookout for her older sister and she was the one complaining about doing it because it wasn't right, but it was her. We've been in the same class-level since Kindergarten, and she didn't even know my name last Spring. I was just another boy that her psycho sister (may she rot in juvie) picked to be a target. Now... can I be the girl who is her friend?

I mean, she's being sweet and I think it's genuine. She did tell the cops it was her sister and her sister's friends. I just don't know. She's pretty, smart, athletic... I wanna be all of that, too, and the best way to get my foot in the door is to have a friend who's already invited, right? But would that be me just using her?

I know why, but I couldn't let on, now could I?

She just kept saying, "I helped my sister and her friends do something bad to someone that didn't deserve it, and when I told, they decided to make sure I didn't have any friends."

I told her that I'd be her friend, that rumors ruined me in school before. Well. It was true.

She wanted me to come over and see her Dad's horses after school, but I told her I couldn't that I had to do some extra credit in Drama since they let me in there as a Freshman. Okay, so that wasn't EXACTLY true... Mizz Ward wants me in her class every Thursday after school for "deportment" training. She wants to help me make sure I don't move like a boy. She's strict, but nifty. I did my homework while I was there, too, so I didn't have a lot of stuff to bring home.

I asked her why she was helping me so much, and she just said it wasn't important. All mysterious-like. I get the feeling that being a Drama teacher she's gonna be next to impossible to read.

She told me that all the girls in her classes were expected to at least try out for parts in all the plays... and Saturday is the first tryout. She gave me a script with a part highlighted and I think I'm gonna see if Mom and Daddy minds if Jennifer comes over to help me practice tomorrow after school.

Hmm? Oh! It's for the role of "Zaneeta" for The Music Man -- I don't expect to get the part, but I'm gonna give it my best try!

She liked my room, especially my posters. She said it was a relief that I'm not totally one of the frills and lace and pink girly-girls. She went nuts over my Mercedes Lackey collection, especially when she noticed that a dozen or so are signed... We talked about the kids at school and she thanked me for not believing rumors and actually talking to her. I thanked her for talking to 'the new kid' in return.

Mom brought us up some Milk & Cookies and Jennifer thought that was so cool, but I know Mom was just checking up on us. Daddy's giving her a ride home and then we're gonna pick out a movie to watch together, just the three of us. Mom and me are already leaning toward the same one, so I'm pretty sure we'll get our way. Okay, so it sounds totally girly, but it's not -- The Princess Bride is one of the most niftiest adventure comedy romance drama fantasy ... it has everything!

I almost told Jennifer my secret. I thought about it though, and told her I had to take a bathroom break, then went and talked to Mom. She said she's glad I have a new friend, but not to be free with my secret. Make certain I can trust her first. I told her I understood and then snaked a couple of Cokes from the fridge and went back upstairs.

Anyway, just trying out was fun! Mom took me to the audition and afterwards she took me to see Doc Gwen for my appointment. Then... it was only NOON! Wow. So busy and so much stuff done so early on a Saturday.

Doc Gwen was full of questions about my first week of school as me, and told me that even though the school has so many students -- there's around 7500 kids in all four grades -- that I may be recognized as Ethan at some point. Kinda gave me a weird, hurt, feeling to have her refer to me even sideways as Ethan. I told her that. She smiled and patted my hand and told me that she'd have trouble seeing me as anything but a girl and that she just had to bring it up so that I wouldn't be blindsided. She was right, but wow. That just was so weird. I mean, she's called me Courtney since my very first appointment with her! And that was over three whole years ago!

She also asked me if I'd tried to talk to 'Nessa and Hayleigh. I told her no, because I hadn't seen them. She warned me to avoid them for awhile. I mean I never told them my name or anything, but they knew I wanted to be a girl. I guess because they never saw me or anything, Doc Gwen is scared of how they'll react.

Well, Mom and me are going to go and grab take out from the sushi place (I love chopsticks!) and surprise Daddy over at the hobby shop where he's supposed to be doing the "miniature war games" with his friends. I don't know why he's so insistent that it's "miniature war games" and can't just call it what it is. Toy trucks, army men, and toy tanks. Sometimes, they have robots big enough to stomp on the tanks, too.

Ooh, I hope we get extra wasabi, they never give us enough. I like making people's eyes bug out when they see me eating it, and I'm sure the adults at the hobby shop will freak!

I don't think Grandma will come around, and she'll likely be very mean and nasty to me. But Grandpa... I think he'll be fine. Mom was talking about embarrassing parents, but I was really proud of both of them. They stood up for me without yelling and made me really know they loved me.

After they were all calmed down, they wanted my story from me, and I told it. And I told it. And I told it. And I told it. And... I told it.

Eventually, Grandma and Grandpa were getting ready to leave. Grandpa gave me a hug and kissed me on top of the head, like he does the other granddaughters. Grandma... didn't touch me at all.

She shrugged into her coat and squatted down and whispered to me, "Remember, Sport, that your mom is my little girl and that all parents have to make rough decisions for their children, which can sometimes embarrass them."

Then they left.

I hate hate hate hate hate her!

How could she do that? I mean, she's my Grandma!

Okay. I'll calm down. I just -- I can't believe she'd do that! Calling in CPS on her own daughter? I mean, I think the only person more angry right now than me is Mom! Alright. Start at the beginning. I can do that.

Grandma Thatcher called CPS -- that's Child Protective Services -- and told them that Mom and Daddy were FORCING their SON to live as a girl! They showed up at the school to take me away! Principal Soames put a stop to it, and called in Miss Wiggums -- the Counselor lady -- and once the lady from CPS saw the paperwork from Doc Gwen (and Doc Marty, too, he was a nice guy) that explained it all, she apologized to me. That's when Grandma blew her stack. Miss Wiggums went NUTSO! It was awesome, and scary at the same time. I'm just glad she was on my side. By the time it was all over, the police were there and Doc Gwen was there... and now, Grandma Thatcher isn't allowed, "Within 500 yards of the minor, her grandchild known as Courtney Audrey Tackinnison formerly known as Ethan David Ian Tackinnison, until such time as the parents of said minor lift this Restraining Order." There was also something about making life and transition harder for me being part of the restrainment thingy. Oh, and then Doc Gwen was angry, too, and saying something about, "mental anguish," and stuff.

Mom could chew nails. Not the finger kind. The kind you bash through wood with a hammer.

Grandpa was threatening to have her committed when he picked her up from the school. She was threatening to tell the newspaper so that the "decent" people in town would make me be Ethan again.

Just... just... just...

He's weird.

I mean, weirder than most. I first saw him in my French class. He's not weird-looking or anything, he's just... freaky. Augh. He stares. But not normal kind of staring. Like he's looking through you. Or like he can't see your clothes, just your underwear and finds it... interesting.

Anyway.

Today is also apparently "Patriot Day" and we learned about why in History 5th period. The new freaky-weird kid was there. I think his name is Matthew. He actually knew a lot about it, and it seems to me, it's like Memorial Day, but just for people who died on a certain day because they were in the World Trade Towers or on the planes that hit them, or the plane that hit the Pentagon, or the plane that "fought back" and crashed in Pennsylvania. We did a whole "moment of silence" thing at the start of every period today.

So at lunch Jennifer asked me what the deal with yesterday was. I told her I couldn't talk about it because it was family stuff. She looked like she wanted to ask more, but then nodded and ate her cupcake. I know I didn't, but it felt like lying to her and she's really my only friend right now and it totally didn't feel good at all! I did give a couple of notes to Principal Soames to give to 'Nessa and Hayleigh. Hopefully their moms will bring them over Saturday afternoon for movies and talking. They know what's going on with me, and their moms know but not their dads or anyone else having to do anything with them.

Lots happened today, but when I think about it, it wasn't a lot of hard to describe stuff, just... a lot of stuff.

At lunch, some of the Seniors were hassling Matthew (yes, I was right about his name). They were trying to get him over by the courtyard so they could push him down the stairs (there's only 2, but the courtyard is dropped below the outside window of the cafeteria) and make him spill his tray. He just had this weird little smile and didn't really react to them. It was making them so angry. When they did get him over to the stairs, he did this little spin and duck thing and the three bigger boys were all in a heap on the ground at the bottom of the stairs. He didn't even stop to make fun of them or anything, just stared off into space again and walked past them. I told the boys to leave him alone or I'd tell Principal Soames, and they were embarrassed anyway, so they went away. I grabbed Jennifer and we went to sit with Matthew.

He thanked me (even though I really didn't do anything) and introduced himself to us. We talked and he's a nice guy. Funny too. And I think I made a new friend. A weird and freaky friend. But a friend.

He's just so... freaky!

After school, Jennifer invited me over for a sleepover this weekend, and I was totally talking to her and telling her I'd have to ask my 'rents and getting kind of excited that I have a real best friend for the first time, like, ever and didn't notice Grandma coming up to me.

She grabbed me by the arm, and took me to her car and buckled me in. I tried to get out before she got around the car, but she told me to stop and stay still or she'd march me back over to my "little friend" and tell her all about my "perversions" -- which I figured out meant that she'd tell Jennifer that I was really a boy (I'm NOT! I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not!). She took me to a motel and I was actually scared. Of my own GRANDMA! She cut my hair. I'd spent almost 2 years growing it that long, and she cut it! She did it all raggedy, too. She made me take off my skirt and blouse, and when she saw I was wearing a bra (like a 14-year old girl wouldn't be?!?) she started screaming at me. I guess that's how the police found us, was her screaming. The nice detective lady made the boy cops leave while I put my skirt and blouse back on. Then she said she was taking me home but we had to make a stop first. I didn't have a problem with that and she took me to a really nice (and expensive-looking) salon and told one of the ladies there (her name was Kenzy) that I had a "hair emergency" and had her cut it really like awesomely cute. Then Kenzy asked what my school colors were, then put the red and purple streaks in my hair! Detective Martinelli took me home, then. Mom and Daddy were all hugs and kisses, and Mom loved my hair (almost as much as I do!) but Daddy... not so much.

Okay. Today was my second "Deportment" day with Mizz Ward. She started off by telling me how disappointed she was in my audition on Saturday. Ugh. I mean, she knew that I hadn't read the entire play! How could she know that?

Then she had me do the walking in 3-inch heels with a book on my head thing for, like, half an hour. If I dropped the book, she'd cluck her tongue and look so disappointed. She kept saying, "Posture, dear, is a sign of feminine grace." My feet still hurt. I mean, 3 inches is a significant portion of the length of my teensy feet.

After that, she gave me a script for the next auditions, during Thanksgiving weekend. It's a musical, but I've never heard of it. It's called, "Into the Woods," and she wants me to audition for the part of Red Riding Hood. I looked through it already, and... I really like it. It's confusing, but funny and sad and adventurous -- like the Princess Bride it has everything!

We apparently do a musical every season, and that's in addition to the Showcases with all the other Drama and Theatre stuff. She gave me a list of what we're going to be doing in drama for the rest of the year and all next year:

• Fall 2007 - The Music Man
• Winter 2007/2008 - Into The Woods
• Spring 2008 - Annie
• Summer 2008 - Les Misérables
• Fall 2008 - Mary Poppins
• Winter 2008/2009 - Little Shop of Horrors
• Spring 2009 - Victor/Victoria

-- and she wants me to try out for a part in all of 'em!

The last thing she did, though, today was extra cool. For an adult. She handed me a schedule and told me to give it to Mom. I looked at it and she had enrolled me in ballet and gymnastics, both! I thought it was cool, but Mom and Daddy had to talk about it. They were a little angry that Mizz Ward paid for the classes for me, but thought it was a good idea. They called her just before Mom started cooking dinner to try to make her let them pay her back. From what I picked up, she wouldn't let 'em.

Oop. There's Mom, hollering that dinner's ready, gotta go!

I guess that means I fit in just fine, now. Her name is Lisa and she started a food fight today at lunch. I hid under my table with Jennifer and Matthew. When they caught her, she told the teacher that broke it up that her name was Courtney Tackinnison! So, seventh period they announced the detentions for the day and my name was on the list. I tried to tell Mister Towers that it wasn't me, but he didn't want to hear it. So I reported for Detention. I was going to explain to the monitor, but she just shushed me and told me, "No talking in Detention."

Luckily, Miss Wiggums came to check why my name was on the detention list. It took about a half-hour, but they figured out that I hadn't been the food-fighter when they called the teacher that gave the Detention and she came to the room.

Grr.

Rrr.

Rrr.

I.

Am.

So.

Freaking.

Sore.

Seriously. It hurts to write. It hurts to walk. It hurts to lie down. It hurts to breathe. You'd think a mother would be worried if her daughter was dying. Not mine. Nope. She just laughed and said that I'd get used to it! I have a sadist for a mother!

Daddy at least had the decency to pretend to be sorry I was sore. He almost hid his smirk. And I almost didn't hear him giggle when I left the room.

I looked outside and didn't see anyone, so went back to bed. A few minutes later, there was a knocking again. I jumped out of bed and ran over to the window. Nothing. Again.

Okay, I was starting to get freaked out. I laid back down and stared at the window. After a bit, there was a knocking again, and I saw something hit the window. When I looked again, I saw three acorns in the planter-box under my window. I looked up in the tree and there were some little critters pulling acorns off the trees. Squirrels. I had been scared out of my wits by squirrels. I laughed and went to take my shower.

I made breakfast for Mom and Daddy, and was gonna serve them breakfast in bed just because, but they came into the kitchen before the coffee was ready and just as the toast popped up. They appreciated it anyway, and dug in while I ran out and got the Sunday paper... for Daddy. Yeah. For Daddy. My wanting the comics without having to wait until he was done with the whole thing had nothing to do with it. At all. Nope. Hee!

We finished breakfast, rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher, and then Daddy announced we were going to spend the day at the campgrounds. He said it was too beautiful a day to waste watching TV, and the campgrounds at the State Park would be closing in a week or so.

It was all-around a relaxing day with nothing big really happening. For a change. Thank goodness.

A bright Orange cast on her left arm. She let me sign it.

Her brother was being stupid and accidentally smacked her with one of those aluminum baseball bats. Lots of trouble. He got his car keys taken away for two weeks except for to and from work... they're making him ride the bus to school, and their mom picks him up after school -- in front of the elementary school!

She says it doesn't really hurt unless she tries to move it inside the cast, though.

Lisa came over to our table at lunch and told me I should have just taken the Detention, because now she has to destroy me.

Destroy me? What kind of threat is THAT supposed to be? I think she's been watching way too many James Bond movies without realizing that the villains always LOST.

So, I have Gymnastics on Monday, Wednesday, Friday evenings and Saturday afternoon. Ballet on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday evenings. And Mom thinks I should "get involved" with stuff at school, too.

She asked me what she was supposed to call me now. Yep. She knew it was me. We talked until Mom got there, and she kinda figured out what was going on so offered 'Nessa a ride home and we talked until we dropped her off. She's supposed to call me this weekend.

Guess what else I learned today?

It's something that anyone can learn, given enough time and a sadistic enough ballet instructor.

It doesn't matter if you know what muscle you're stretching out, because they'll all hurt afterward. Lots.

Okay, so tell me again how ritualized sharing of pain while wearing leotards and leg warmers equals grace and beauty of movement?

The lady in charge (she doesn't wanna be called Miss Thompson, and I just can't call an adult, 'Callie,' so she's the lady in charge) has me working with other kids in tumbling. She says I'm making fast progress, but I just feel like I'm falling down a lot of the time. She says that next week, we'll move on to something to alternate lessons with.

Nothing overly exciting at school today. Just some dirty looks from Lisa, and Matthew stood on his chair in the lunchroom and recited Hamlet's soliloquy. Just, stopped mid-sentence, stood up and spouted, then sat down and resumed eating like nothing happened. Yeah, he's my friend now... but he's still weird. Mrs. Worthing has decided that we're to do a reading of the Canterbury Tales as a class at the Fall Showcase in November. That's about it.

The excitement was on the way home from Gymnastics. Daddy picked me up and we went for ice cream at A&W... the cream soda float is soooo awesome!

We ordered and were sitting there happily slurping and chatting, and this fat guy walked up and punched Daddy! Rather than explode (like -I- would have!), Daddy just wiped the blood off the corner of his mouth and looked at the guy, and said, "I think you have the wrong man, sir."

The guy laughed and cocked back his fist to punch Daddy again, and... and...

I didn't even see Daddy MOVE.

He had the guy in a headlock. The police arrived soon after and Daddy talked to them, they had me describe what happened, and then they talked to Daddy and the guy each privately. Then we came home, like nothing happened.

I was scared. I opened my locker and there was a box with a red bow on it. Not so scary-sounding, right? How'd it get in my locker? Scarier? Okay, then.

When I opened it, it had a picture of me sitting at lunch with Jennifer and Matthew, and then a picture of Ethan cut out of the yearbook from my old Middle School (or Junior High, some call it).

So. Someone knows. And it's someone that can get into my locker.

I tried to go to class, but it felt like everyone was staring at me. I went into the girls' room and caught my breath... then I went to go find Miss Wiggums. I spent all of first period there.

She called Principal Soames and had my locker looked at and stuff. I felt a lot better and didn't think I was going to have a panic attack, so I went ahead to second period after that.

At lunch, I went and found 'Nessa, and she assured me that not only didn't she do it, but she hadn't told anyone, either.

I mean... 'Nessa was one of my only two friends when I was Ethan. I want to believe her.

I calmed down a lot when nothing else happened during the day. Well. Sortof.

When I got to ballet class tonight, the older student that was teaching us "newbies" was Simone. Yeah. The girl that used to babysit me up until this past summer. And I think she recognized me, but she just cocked her head at me and smiled, and went on with the lesson. She introduced herself to me as if we'd never met, afterwards, but there was a note from her in my bag in the lockers.

It basically was just telling me that she thought I was cute as a girl and she'd be over to see me and my parents tomorrow night.

As the great green one would say...

I mean, that's creepy, right?

I think it's creepy.

But, I went to Gymnastics and I didn't fall down as much and I'm starting to enjoy the tumbling. The lady in charge says she wants to start me on the vault tomorrow. I can't wait! Some of those girls jump so HIGH!

So, Simone was sitting in her car when we pulled up, and Mom waved to her and told her to come inside, and asked if she'd had dinner.

She ate with us and she was really nice. She said she always thought there was something 'special' about Ethan, and now she knew it was because 'he' was lucky enough to be a girl! Mom and me laughed at that... Daddy pretended to be offended. All in all, it was a good night. She told me not to make plans for Sunday, because she has a surprise for me!

No, seriously.

This much pain is inhumane to expect me to live through.

I thought I was USED to the classes now... I mean, I was fine after Gymnastics, and during Ballet I thought I could fly I was so limber and loosened up!

Alright, I learned the basics of the Vault -- there's a lot more to it than just bouncing on the thing and jumping up over the other thing -- and did some more tumbling. There was a girl there from some farm that's homeschooled who came in to practice on the uneven bars... just... whoa. She was awesome.

Since Ballet and Gymnastics are in the same building, and Ballet is right after 'Nastics, I just trotted up the stairs and into the studio and stretched and limbered with the other early arrivals, and went into the stuff we were being taught by Simone. She's good at translating what Miss Gundarsdottir wants us to do to where we newbies understand. It was a lot of fun and we're all really getting to trust each other more and more.

So, I shower and change back into street clothes. I go downstairs and out to wait in front of the building for Mom. It was like, five minutes tops that I sat there doing nothing.

Mom pulled up and waved.

I stood up, waved, and screamed.

It hurts WORSE than last week! How is that even possible?!?

I dropped my bag and sat back down and it hurt so much!

So I'm being sore and Mom is laughing at me again, and when we get home Daddy hugs me (ow!) and tells me that I'll be okay and that stretching would help -- and it would be a help if I stretched after my classes like I do before.

Now they tell me.

Daddy rubbed my back.

And my legs.

And my arms.

And my shoulders.

And my neck.

I have a kickin' Daddy. He said he'd figure out something semi-athletic to do with me on Sundays so that I don't "unlimber" (izzat even a word?) over the one day I don't have classes.

Okay. In the floor in the splits and bending over toward my left foot when the phone rings. Daddy answers it and brings it over to me, and well... 'Nessa and her mom were calling to see if they could come by to talk. I talked a minute or three and then handed the phone off to Mom and about 20 minutes later, I was entertaining my first guest while 'Nessa's mom and Mom and Daddy were talking in the living room. Later, they called me in there with 'Nessa so that I could answer some questions for her mom and help them both understand.

I think it went well, 'Nessa gave me a hug before she left and whispered to me that I was more fun as Courtney than as Ethan. Yay! She gave me her phone number and asked if she could sit with me and my friends at lunch at school. I told her well, Duh, the silly girl. She's ONE of my friends, so of course she could! Her mom grinned at us and then told me she thought it was strange that she didn't realize I was a girl before. Oh, she's a therapy-doctor... so I guess she figured that she should've been able to catch on?

So, like, keeping track of things puts me at twice as many friends less than two weeks as Courtney than I had my whole life as Ethan.

I woke up yesterday and had to run to the bathroom to puke. Just. Gross. I heaved until I couldn't and by then, I was crying and Mom was there holding my hair back and telling me it would be okay, just to go back to bed.

I rinsed my mouth out and stumbled back to bed, still crying.

I guess I fell asleep again, but when I woke up, it was just in time for Daddy to bring me a bowl of Mom's homemade chicken soup.

I hate being sick. The soup is great, but being sick is just horrible. So, I tried to read some manga that I hadn't gotten around to, but just couldn't seem to enjoy it, and fell back asleep.

The next time I woke up, it was dark outside already and Mom was just coming into my room to check on me. She sat on the side of the bed and said I was her, "poor little girl," and kissed my forehead to check and see if I still had a fever.

I did.

I didn't want to be alone and so asked her to sit with me for a bit, until I fell asleep again and she brushed my hair off of my face. She just held my hand and whispered the lullaby she used to sing to me when I was tiny.

When I woke up again, I was all sweaty, but felt better. I went and got some clean sheets, and a clean nightgown, then took a shower and went back to bed (after I changed it).

So I went to school -- why is it I never get sick on school days?!?

And then Gymnastics, which wasn't so bad but I was still a bit sore and got Daddy to rub my legs and shoulders again for me.

Okay. So. Lunchtime. In high school. This means that the entire peer group is "conveniently" gathered in one place.

Groan.

So, 10 minutes into lunch, when you can GUARANTEE that everyone is there, he stands up.

He steps around the table to me.

He puts out his hand and obviously wants me to take his hand.

I was wondering what he was doing, so I did.

Big.

Mistake.

He pulled me to my feet, and then puts his hands at my waist and hoists me up onto the table!

Then he turns to look at EVERYONE because this had garnered no small amount of attention.

Then he says, "Ladies and gentlemen, young masters and misses, a re-enactment of the balcony scene from the Bard's Romeo & Juliet presented by the only member of the local Shakespearean club and his lovely volunteer."

Then the goober knelt down and did just that.

I have never been so embarassed in my life!

To make it worse, when he finished, the entire cafeteria -- even the teachers applauded!

Then he just lifts me down and goes back to eating his spaghetti-o's and ignoring everyone else. Like nothing happened.

Matthew Podnick is a GOOBER!

Okay, so he's nice, and sweet, and my friend... and... well, okay, fine, he's kinda cute.

He's still a goober.

Everyone at Gymnastics was talking about my "performance" yesterday, just like Ballet last night. Even Simone was smirking at me last night!

Well, in other news...

My locker-scary person is still leaving notes... and... things.

Today there was a vase with a rose in it and a card that said, "You make a lovely Juliet, Courtney."

I took it and the rose (and the vase) to the Principal's office and told Principal Soames.

It's making me flippin' paranoid!

I mean, really!

I'm a girl that was born a boy and I'm okay with that, because I get to be me, but... this "Locker Stalker" business has me a nervous wreck! I can't even talk to my friends about it. Hayleigh has started joining us for lunch, but she and 'Nessa I never really see before or after school. We all need to get together on a weekend or something. Except Matthew.

Okay, maybe Matthew, too.

Um.

He does have a cute grin.

What am I saying!?!?

I just talked with some of the other new girls, and then Mom and me headed home.

In the car, she asked me who Matthew was! I got real quiet, so she knew there was something and then I couldn't make something up, she'd know.

So, I told her about his first day there and that I had decided to be friends with the new kid that was so weird because it was the right thing to do. Then she asked me if he was cute.

It was a trap!

I totally answered without thinking.

Then I realized what I'd said and looked over at her and she had this, "AHA!" look on her face. I have never been so embarassed in my life. Um. Since Tuesday, anyway.

Then to make it worse, Mom told DADDY that I had a boyfriend! He's so not my boyfriend! Well, he's a boy, and he's my friend but he's not my BOYFRIEND for the love of Pete! Daddy got all frowny and started grillng me about Matthew. Did he come from a good family. Is he a gentleman. Who are his parents. Does he have any siblings. I mean, how am I supposed to know all that stuff? I halfway expected him to ask me what the average air speed velocity of an unladen swallow was! He kept questioning me until I figured out why.

He believed that Matthew was my boyfriend. I know I must have glowed in the dark, I was blushing so much, but I just went upstairs to do my homework. Which is still sitting on my bed. I'll do it after dinner.

It basically said that he -- or she, I guess -- was watching me. There was flowery wording and stuff to try to make it sound like the intentions were good, like, "... admiring you from afar," and stuff. But it's scary. I took the note to the office and talked a bit with Principal Soames.

They're gonna put a hidden camera in the hall over the weekend to try to catch the Locker Stalker.

I don't really know what else to write about today, other than that in Gymnastics I was told that I could start to learn the uneven bars tomorrow.

The whole Locker Stalker thing kinda overshadowed whatever else happened.

Yeah, drawing a blank.

I skipped out on Ballet tonight because Gymnastics this afternoon totally wasted me.

So I was told that I could start learning what I needed to do for uneven bars. Ugh. The other girls that already do it make it look so effortless.

I need to seriously work on my grips and arm strength.

I called 'Nessa after we got home and she said that she had a cunning plan. Like that Blackadder show that Daddy watches. Her dad must be a fan, too. Or her mom. Or something.

Anyway, I'm all achy, but in a good way. I'm gonna go take a bubble bath and then take a nap until dinnertime. Mom said she'd try to talk Daddy into taking us out to a movie after dinner tonight.

Yay!

I get to have my first-ever slumber party next weekend! Mom said I could invite two of the girls over -- out of 'Nessa, Hayleigh, and Jennifer. 'Nessa and Hayleigh and their parents already know my secret so that's not a big deal, but Jenn doesn't, so she's gonna be the one left out, even though she's my best friend.

Do I just not mention the party in front of her and hope she doesn't find out? Or do I make something up? Or just tell her that it's Mom's fault because she already knows 'Nessa and Hayleigh's parents?

This is not a good feeling.

I mean, I wanted to be happy and stuff, but it's not fair to Jenn.

In other news, Auntie Rhoda is on her way here. She'll get here right before dinner and we'll all go out to someplace. I'm really nervous. She's my favorite Aunt, but she's never met me as Courtney yet.

I mean, I wish I had a magic wand or something that would make me have always been Courtney. Then I wouldn't be nervous about Auntie Rhoda and I wouldn't be upset about Jenn because I'd be able to invite her over.

Why's things gotta be so complicated? That old Canadian chick... well, not OLD old, but she's gotta be like 26 or 27... that sings that song called Complicated has it right.

Why is it such a big deal to everyone else what's under my skirt? Or shorts. Or jeans. Or whatever.

I mean, I'm a girl, I know I've always been a girl, my parents are helping me see the right doctors so I can be the girl I'm supposed to be, why does everyone else think that not only is it their business, but that they have the right to be offended at me over it and hate me for being who I am?

Argh!

Okay. First off, Auntie Rhoda seems to think that because I'm a girl now, I'm suddenly 6 years old again and the girliest girly girl in existence. She brought me a Betsy Wetsy and Barbie Hair Fashion head.

Seriously.

I didn't wanna seem ungrateful, but sometime around bedtime, I just couldn't take the baby-talk anymore and snapped at her. I was sorry, like, immediately... and I ended up taking her and dragging her out to the back porch for a talk. I think everything's okay now, though. She showed up after school to take me to Gymnastics. She was clapping and laughing and having fun as I practiced.

Okay, nothing new from the Locker Stalker today, but at lunch... well, I brought up the subject of the slumber party. That was rough. After all was said and done, I used the my-parents-know-their-parents dodge.

Then Jennifer asked me if this was because of my secret.

I tried to pretend I didn't know what she was talking about and she whispered it in my ear. "I know you used to be Ethan."

If she hadn't smiled at me so understanding and held my hand after she told me I would have panicked. I still started to.

I asked Matthew, 'Nessa, and Hayleigh to excuse us and dragged her out to one of the tables where no one was nearby and asked her to explain.

She said she'd figured it out the second day we'd had lunch together when I kept asking questions about her sister. She hadn't called me on it because obviously I wanted to be who I really am now, and besides... friends don't tell each others' secrets even if they're not supposed to know them. She said she hadn't totally felt like it was confirmed until 'Nessa and Hayleigh -- Ethan's only two friends -- started eating lunch with us and they totally acted like they'd known me forever.

D'oh. So, I talked to Mom after Gymnastics and told her what had happened.

All three of them get to come over for the slumber party!

I'm glad Jennifer knew, really... I felt horrible that I couldn't invite her along.

I called her after dinner and before homework and told her the good news... and then we just talked for awhile.

Mom had a great idea, and I passed it along to Jennifer, she's gonna tell me tomorrow if her parents went for it. She's gonna come over on Friday and sleep over and stay for the slumber party on Saturday night. I told her we could all talk -- me and my parents and her -- and we'd answer all the questions she wanted on Friday night.

Now, I'm all kinds of excited about this weekend!

I didn't know what was wrong, so I was just quiet until they told me. Principal Soames held out a box to me and gestured that I should open it. I did and it was a box of caramels covered in chocolate.

Apparently, it was the latest 'gift' from the Locker Stalker along with a note that professed never to tell my secret, and that I would be the object of admiration only, in no danger.

Say it with me...

Creepy.

So I asked if the camera caught anyone. The adults nodded and then Miss Wiggums asked me if I wanted them to just stop the Locker Stalker, or if I wanted the person responsible to get in trouble.

I said I didn't know.

They said they would let me see the video first, and then I could have all day to decide and tell them tomorrow.

That sounded fair to me, so I agreed.

The video was focused right on my locker. You could see it so well, you could read the number on it. There was me, getting out my depleted-uranium-heavy Biology book. A few moments later, the culprit walked up to my locker, looked both ways, opened it and put in the candy and the note. Then she closed the door and walked away.

It was Lisa.

So, to say I was shocked would be understating things. This was the girl that promised, "to destroy," me! If she had intell on me like this, why didn't she use it?

I told the adult-types I had to think about it and went back to class. Ballet class was ballet-ful, and dinner was dinner-ful. Now, my homework's done and the choco-mels are on the corner of my desk, making me all full of questions.

Ugh.

I mean, Lisa hates me.

She swears to destroy me.

Then she finds out the biggest secret I have in the world that would pretty much guarantee my getting the popsicle sticks kicked out of me on a daily basis if anyone ever found out.

And she doesn't use that info against me.

In fact... wait... she was sending me...

Was she sending me LOVE LETTERS?!?

I kinda stumbled through classes this morning.

At lunch, I have no idea what alien took over my body (probably one of the grays), but I just walked away from the table and went up to Lisa when I saw her. My friends were following and I could hear them whispering about a fight. I told Lisa we needed a private chat and I think she knew I had figured out it was her with my locker because she just shut up and followed me. When we were reasonably secluded, I asked her why.

She said that once she found out about me, she couldn't bring herself to do anything bad to me because I was brave.

Me.

I laughed and told her I was the girl who would scream if shown a PICTURE of a snake. She looked around all furtive (good word, that one) and said she meant the whole courage to be Courtney and not Ethan thing. She said she looked up all kinds of stuff about gender dysphoria on the internet and decided I was nifty and worth the whole admiration thing and I was smart and pretty and athletic and graceful and what exactly were we fighting about in the first place, anyway?

Then I asked her about the love letters.

She laughed and blushed, and said that now I knew her secret... she was a lesbian.

She wanted to know if I was, too, maybe... and I told her I didn't know, then went back to lunch after telling her I'd think about it and let her know when I figured it out.

Y'know... I don't think Mizz Ward is gonna ease up on these deportment classes at all.

All year.

She's awesome and all, but she's hard on me!

So, today at lunch... the entire student body heard Lisa's threat of destroying me when she made it. So when she tentatively pulled up a chair and a tray and joined us today (after I had informed the other 4 that she was gonna) I swear you coulda heard a gnat fart.

We all agreed (before she got there) that she deserved a chance to make up for the way she'd acted. Matthew was confused as to how she'd earned the chance, but was satisfied (for now) with the whole, "It's a girl thing," explanation.

Oh, and while I'm talking about him... he's a goober.

Simone embarrassed me at Ballet tonight. She made the announcement that I was the only novice ready for Toe Shoes already, totally pointing me out as the chick to hate.

Mom told her about my slumber party on Saturday, and she asked me if after my friends went home on Sunday if I wanted to give another try to her surprise. I told her that depended on the surprise, but Mom overrode me. She told Simone I'd be, "ecstatic," to do so.

Shyeah. Right.

And Kermit never had a single problem running the Muppet Theatre.

Some GOOBER (I'll kill him) nominated me for the Freshman representative and candidate for Homecoming Queen. Nominees were announced after lunch and when sixth period came around, Mrs. Worthing sent the class to the library for an extra study period except for me. No, I couldn't go and enjoy the accoutrements of the library. I got an hour long lecture on how "risky" it would be for me, and that I would be depriving a "real" girl of the opportunity and how she expected me to decline the nomination Monday morning.

I mean, I don't really want it, but that old bat just told me to my face that I wasn't a girl! Why is it she gets to know about me, again?

She just kept on and on and on and on... I couldn't help it, I was crying by the end of the hour. When the bell rang I just scooped up my stuff and went on to Biology and ignored all of Mr. Towers' attempts to find out what was wrong with me. There was Gymnastics after school and dinner after that, but since the talk with Mrs. Worthing, I just feel... empty inside.

Today, I'm not gonna let things spoil my mood.

Jennifer and 'Nessa are downstairs deciding what kind of juice we're gonna want for our late-night snacks tonight. Hayleigh will be here in a bit.

So, we've got a pile of DVDs of pretty much any kind you can imagine, a stack of old board games, a stack of normal board games, enough snacks to satisfy the appetites of eleven hot dog eating champions, CDs and parents willing to let us stay up as late as we want to stay up.

I'd say that was a successfully planned event, wouldn't you?

So, I figure...

There'll be at least a bit when the three of them will question me.

About Ethan.

I mean, I don't mind answering questions, but I don't want them to think of me as Ethan-disguised-as-Courtney, or even Courtney-who-used-to-be-Ethan. And I'm not sure if my explanations will help that.

But Jennifer is my best friend. And 'Nessa and Hayleigh are my oldest friends -- since they were my only friends from... before.

I guess I shouldn't be stressing so much about talking with them.

Daddy's gonna take Mom out to dinner and leave us to our subs (there's an awesome deli across town that makes party subs!). Though he did say something about being surprised that none of the four of us were vegetarians yet.

Yet?

Hrm.

I'll have to ask the others about that when I go back downstairs.

I didn't really talk much about things on Friday, but I was kinda upset.

Jennifer and me and Mom and Daddy all had a long talk.

Mom and Daddy mostly wanted to make sure she understood how big of a secret it was to not tell about me.

Sheesh.

I mean, she's kept the secret so far, did they think she'd just go blabbing about it now?

So, yesterday, I had three "cheerleaders" at Ballet and Gymnastics... and we grabbed Tinchley's on the way home. Lots of fun last night, but today...

Today, there was the three of them, me, Mom, and Simone came over.

We talked about the Homecoming thing. I didn't wanna mention it to Mom at first, because I was just going to do what Mrs. Worthing (old bat) said to do and turn it down.

Jennifer started going off about how unfair it was.

Mom and Simone came in right then and we had what Simone calle a, "Grrl Power Pow Wow," all morning and through lunchtime.

Mom was way angry.

They're all sitting across the room from me and it's creepy to be making this entry in the living room instead of my bedroom, but they're all waiting for me to finish and then Simone has a surprise for me -- not the same surprise as she had originally planned, but this is something that we can all six do, apparently.

But today. Today was... just...

I told Mom that the whole thing with Mrs. Worthing made me angry, but I didn't really care about the Homecoming thing. She asked me if that meant that I didn't want to do it, or if I would like doing it but didn't care if I didn't get to, or if I was saying I didn't care because I really wanted to do it, or... Mom can come up with a lot of really close scenarios.

I told her that it did sound like fun, but it didn't bother me to not do it and let someone else have it so that Mrs. Worthing wouldn't get her nose bent out of shape.

Mom got this weird look in her eyes and then we were at school. She normally just drops me off, but she got out of the car and went inside with me. She took me to the office and asked to see the Principal, then told me to go find my friends, but to leave Mrs. Worthing to her.

Mom can be pretty scary. Not in the same way that Daddy is scary (with the mad fightin' skillz), but... I think worse.

So I found Jennifer and Matthew waiting under the tree out front like always, and we talked a bit, then we found 'Nessa and Hayleigh. Of course, the topic of choice was the sleepover.

I thought Matthew would be totally disinterested but he wasn't really bothered by us.

So, we all made our way to our first period classes, and the morning bulletin started. They named the candidates for Homecoming and my name was in there! My class applauded and I know I was blushing, but it was a good blushing, y'know?

Mrs. Worthing gave me these disapproving glares all period when I was in her class. It wasn't really comfortable.

After Gymnastics, I asked Mom about Mrs. Worthing and mentioned the glaring and she said she just thought it was an opportunity that I shouldn't miss out on, and that not every girl got to participate, so turning it down seemed like a shame and she had talked to Principal Soames about it and there wasn't a problem.

I'm a freshman, so it's not like I have a chance to win, anyway, but I'll get to be Court Royalty and be one of the Apple Fair Princesses no matter what!

Mom was talking about getting me a dress that needs hoops and standouts and a petticoat.

Ugh.

I don't know if I'll make it, but I'm gonna certainly try!

Matthew went and Goobered on us again. Another lunchroom speech. Only this time...

He did Malcolm X's famous speech. The 'Plymouth Rock' thing.

There aren't even any black kids in the county let alone in the school... I think he's lucky there aren't! A pasty white kid with a penchant for staring into space reciting one of the most famous speeches in U.S. Black History... he'd've gotten pounded through the pavement!

Goober.

Anyway, Ballet tonight... as soon as class started, Simone took me across town to get fitted for toe shoes. They feel totally weird to wear!

I thanked her and she laughed, and told me to thank her on Saturday, if I still wanted to.

I have no idea what she's going on about most of the time.

There was some excitement on the way home, though... we had to wait while the police and fire department and ambulances cleared out a big car accident. Like NINE cars piled up and trashed.

Scary.

That's about all for today... Oh!

Mrs. Worthing held me after class sixth period to tell me that she didn't agree with my being part of the Homecoming Royalty, but she would, "bow to the wishes of your mother."

Mom told me to come upstairs and rest, and I did. Then I had to go throw up from the pain, and then I started writing here. Mom just stuck her head in and told me that if I don't think I can make it to the appointment in the morning, we can go to the ER tonight.

Just a sec.

Okay. She's getting ready to go, so this's gotta be short.

Today, nothing matters except the end of Gymnastics. I'm working on Uneven Bars with some of the other girls and it's a blast and I FINALLY get up in an upside-down split over the top one, and slipped.

Do I just tumble painfully to the mat and get laughed at? Nooooo...

That just wouldn't be cosmically HILARIOUS enough for Murphy. No. I fall down onto the low bar and catch it in the crotch.

The crotch that still has boyparts tucked away all hidden like.

The boyparts that NOBODY in Gymnastics knows about.

The boyparts that felt like they exploded.

I wanted to scream, but then, while it would hurt anyone, it wouldn't hurt a girl quite as much as my scream would have let them know. They'd've wanted to examine me...

I just bit it back, and kind of collapsed off the side onto the mat.

Mom came over and got me and saw the look in my eyes, I think. She told them that I had had enough for tonight anyway and we left. She grabbed my gym bag and nearly dragged me out of there by the hand. We got to the car and she pushed me in the backseat and closed the door.

I screamed.

And cried.

And then she got in the back and undid my leotard and pulled down my tights. She did something but I was out of it and whimpering and then she said I was swollen and brought me home.

I am not to go to school or Gymnastics or Ballet until Monday. I'm to stay in bed and rest as much as possible last night and today and tomorrow until time to go back to the doctor.

Daddy was wincing and holding... himself... as Mom told him what happened and what the doctor said yesterday.

Apparently, if I hadn't been 'tucked' it would have been lots worse. The whole buffering of being tucked up inside me kept it from rupturing... gawd. That sounds awful. I mean, it hurt, but I think hearing about it was actually worse.

The doctor gave Mom a prescription for pain pills and she brings 'em to me every now and then. She's been in here with me constantly. It's kinda nice and she even was just sitting with me like when I got sick.

She called the Ballet place and the Gymnastics place and told 'em I wouldn't be in due to an accident. She had to explain a bit more to the Gymnastics place that my fall on the uneven bars had hurt me, but she wasn't going to sue them or anything, I was just going to be out of commission for a few days. She's pretty awesome at the doubletalk thing, because she pretty much flat out told them that I'd nearly ruptured myself, but said it in such a way that there's no way they'd think that I was a boy.

I love my mother.

She's gonna come and watch a movie with me in a bit, I mean, she told me she didn't want me watching, "... that daytime soap crap..." and ranted a bit about people whose names I don't know. I was kinda lost, actually, but I wouldn't tell HER that!

The swelling is gone, but it's still sore.

The doctor explained that the reason she didn't want me to go to school or my after school activities is that she didn't want me to risk tucking myself up for a few days.

She told me I should wear skirts, like I did yesterday and today, until Monday. I should be fine by tomorrow evening, but careful anyway.

She checked me for hernias which was just... so... embarrassing. I absolutely hate being reminded that I'm not like other girls.

Daddy and I spent a lot of last night playing Tekken Tag. I still think he's letting me win.

Jennifer is coming over again tonight with my homework, but she said she had to go home first.

Oh, yesterday she said that the others were all asking about me... and apparently Lisa has apologized to them for being so, well, mean, in the past.

What am I going to do about that?

I mean, I don't know if I even like guys or girls yet, but... I think I'm okay being her friend as long as she doesn't push anything, y'know?

I still hurt a little, but it's so much better. Which is good because the pain pills the doctor had Mom get are gone. Yep, I gotta just deal with twinges and hurts for now.

Jennifer called last night and said she'd being my homework over today, because she didn't have an easy way to get over here last night. So, yeah, she'll be over here anytime, I guess. Wow. Life on the mend is boring.

MORE

Oh, that wasn't good at all. Isn't good. What-ever! Jennifer's ride over was her sister. Yes, THAT sister. Caroline. The one I thought was still in juvie. Argh.

She recognized the house and walked to the door with Jennifer. I was sitting on the couch and Mom got up to answer the door. She said hello to Jennifer, who then came in and walked over to me, and then Caroline asked, "So, is Ethan home?"

Uht oh.

She looked past Mom and saw me and started laughing at me, and calling me a sissy boy. I curled up in a ball on the couch, while Jennifer was yelling at Caroline and Caroline was yelling about me being a boy in a skirt.

Mom and Daddy are talking with Caroline in the den, and Jennifer is sitting at my desk looking all worried at me while I write this -- oh, and I'm sitting/lounging on my bed.

Yeah, Daddy's scary.

Mom told me what happened before me and Jennifer ran downstairs: Caroline thought she could be high-handed with us, because she knew my secret. She was sassing Mom and Daddy sat there just kind of smiling. They wouldn't tell us exactly what was said, but apparently Caroline made threats about if Mom and Daddy didn't help her "get around" her probation officer, that she'd make sure everyone knew about me. I'm pretty sure she said something rude, because Mom looked so ANGRY when talking about it. Mom said that Daddy sat there still smiling until Caroline went too far. She asked him what was so funny, and Mom giggled... and Caroline slapped Mom and called her an old cow.

What Jennifer and I heard from my room was Daddy yelling, "You will NOT touch any member of this family again, in any way!" and a... well, roar. When we scrambled down the stairs and through the living room into the den, Caroline was on the couch, wide-eyed and Mom was sitting on her. Yeah. Sitting on her. Caroline's eyes were fixed on Daddy, and he was on the phone talking to his friend Mr. Abner. I don't know Mr. Abner's last name or I'd call him by it... he thinks it's funny when I call him, "Mr. Abner," though.

Mr. Abner showed up a bit later with a police officer and they took Caroline away, who was just kind of crying to herself. Turns out Mr. Abner is Caroline's Probation Officer and she was threatening to tell people about me because she assumed that we were just being sneaky and didn't have any kind of approval about things. Daddy didn't touch Caroline, but Mom said later he, "put the fear of God into her."

We sat there kind of in shock in the den. Me and Jennifer on either side of Mom, while Daddy arranged for a tow truck to take Caroline's car to the impound yard. Turns out even setting foot on our property violated her Probation because I was her, "victim," during the GoalPost Incident.

So Caroline has to serve the rest of her time until she's eighteen in juvie -- sorry, Juvenile Detention. So, no worrying about her for awhile. Me and Daddy took Jennifer home and then he explained to her parents that Caroline had threatened me and slapped Mom. They didn't seem surprised... more just resolved. Her dad wandered back toward the back of their house mumbling about having warned her not to screw up. Mrs. Higgleston asked Daddy if we would mind Jennifer staying over at our house for a couple nights and going to school with me in the morning, because they needed to go talk to Caroline and make sure the lawyer knew and would be busy with, "sorting out crap," all weekend.

So, Jennifer grabbed some clothes and her books and we came back here. Not much else happened yesterday, but today, Mom took me and Jennifer out to shop for a formal for me for the Homecoming festivities! I tried on soooo many awesome dresses.

Today was Sleepy Day. So, most of the kids (and even some of the teachers) at school came in pajamas and nightgowns. I wore some flannel pajama bottoms and an Eeyore oversized tee, with fluffy slippers. I was gonna loan something to Jennifer, but she had remembered her flannel nightgown that covered everything from her neck to her ankles -- like an old-lady nightie. It was fun.

Comfy, too.

We had breakfast for lunch -- sausage, biscuits, gravy, scrambled eggs, and toast. A couple of the lady teachers had night-masks on. Principal Soames went door-to-door to all the classrooms asking the teachers if they had any creamer for her coffee.

Matthew topped everyone, though. He came in bed.

Yeah, bed.

He rigged it so he could walk and sit in class, but he could make it fold out and look like he was in his bed sleeping!

He definitely got the top prize today.

Today was Famous Athlete Day. I decided to sneak in something spiffy that meant a lot to me, and was also a sport I liked. I've been planning this for a couple of weeks and when I got home last night, the stuff I needed had arrived with yesterday's mail, just in time!

Okay, I still love cycling, even though I'm really not great at it, but I ordered a copy of Michelle Dumaresq's riding gear. She's a woman who is like me, and still competes as a woman for Canada in World Mountain Bike riding. There's lots of controversy about her being able to ride with the women. Seems to me, that it's mostly folks who don't matter who're yelling about it. Last year, when she won a race by one second, the second place girl's boyfriend jumped up and put a tee-shirt on his girlfriend that read, "100% Pure Woman Champ," and got his girlfriend suspended from racing for it. Why do folks care if the girls in the race don't? Why should anyone EVEN the girls in the race care? They're saying that Ms. Dumaresq has an advantage having been born male. Psh. After about a decade on HRT, her muscle mass isn't any more masculine than any other girl rider out there!

Grr.

Anyway, I ordered a copy of her gear ( looks like ]this[ ) to wear to school for today.

There was only a few people who knew who Michelle Dumaresq even was, and they were teachers. Mizz Ward 'got it' almost immediately and said my choice of costume was, "Delightfully impish," today.

But, as good as my costume was... Matthew upstaged everyone today... again.

He came wearing an amalgam of football, baseball, soccer, hockey, basketball, volleyball, track & field, cycling, and golf equipment -- topped off by a pair of masking taped hornrim glasses and a pocket protector. He was the "hometown hero" and when folks were confused about the glasses and protector, he said that was to represent the academic all-stars.

He's creative... but still a Goober.

Today was Movie Character Day. Me, 'Nessa, Jennifer, Lisa, and Hayleigh all came as Disney animated characters. I was Alice from Alice in Wonderland, 'Nessa was Jasmine, Jennifer was Belle, Lisa was Yzma, and Hayleigh came as Snow White. No one else put a lot of effort into costumes, except... that's right. Matthew won AGAIN!

He talked some upper classmen into joining in, promising them they'd win the group prize.

He came as The Dread Pirate Roberts, black clothes, mask, all the great quotes and able to pull off the look.

Then he went and topped it.

He staged scenes from The Princess Bride all through lunch!

First, he had the swordfight with Carlos Vega as Inigo Montoya, using the tables as terrain and executing the lines and choreography perfectly, using the wooden training swords from the Fencing Club.

Next, he had the wrestling match with "Tiny" Simms as Fezzik the Giant. Tiny is a senior, and actually over seven feet tall. Big guy. They bounced off of the pillars and Tiny ended up sprawled on the ground and snoring (I think he was faking, but I'm not sure).

And then he sat down and had the battle of wits with Fred Meijer as Vizzini the Sicilian while they actually ate their lunch! Fred's bald-cap wasn't all that convincing, but as a whole they were awesome.

Yes, they won the group prize... and Matthew won the single prize.

Again.

Today was Novel Day. Which means you have to come as either a character from a novel or an author. If you go with character, you'll be asked in homeroom to talk about the story the character comes from and her or his role in it. If you go with author, it has to be a "recognizable" author that folks will know by sight.

I was totally lost, and Mom suggested I wear the Alice costume again. Lame. Inspiration hit me as I was waking up, though. I ended up going as Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz.

I have to admit, I was curious what Matthew was going to do today. He didn't disappoint. He came to school as Sherlock Holmes. He didn't win today, some girl in the Senior class won, and I never even heard what her costume was.

Pretty boring today, actually. Not much going on that shouldn't. Not that I mind. I'd rather things be nice and boring from now on.

Today was, of course, Spirit Day. It always is. That is, the fifth day of Spirit Week is always Spirit Day. This is the night of the Homecoming game and dance, and they'll be announcing who the Homecoming Queen and King are at lunch today!

No Gymnastics tonight, because I had to get home and get into my gown, and then be back in time for the Halftime Presentation of the Homecoming Royalty. Shayna Baruth won Queen, she's a senior. But I get to be one of the Apple Fair Princesses in a few weeks! There's all kinds of nifty things I get to do because I'm part of this, so I'm gonna have fun!

I pulled a fast one on everyone else, though. I went to school today in what looked like the school uniform, but reversed colors! Yellow (Gold) skirt instead of Purple. Green blouse and socks instead of Yellow. Purple scarf, hat, and blazer instead of Green. The trim (of everything) and lettering (on the pocket of the blazer) was still gray, but dark gray instead of light gray. It took me and Mom hours to make exactly the same stuff in the different colors.

Why? Because it's Spirit Day! Instead of just wearing the school colors, or not participating and just wearing my uniform, I did BOTH. I won! I won a day! And the best day, in my opinion! Go Wolves!

Matthew wore his uniform, but his face was painted. Three vertical stripes, Purple on his right side, Yellow in the center, Green on his left side, with light gray outlining his mouth and eyes. He admitted defeat gracefully at lunch (before they announced the winner) because even he knew that I had him beat.

Oh, and apparently, everyone has taken to calling him, "Goober," "Goob," or, "The Goober," because of me. But he says he doesn't mind, that there are worse nicknames.

Last night was great! The game, the dance, the crowing of the Queen and Court. It was so much fun!

I mean, stuff is, um, happening. That's what a diary is for, right?

I went for a loosening up run this morning, because I felt kinda like I needed it after Gymnastics and Ballet yesterday. I jogged down to the park.

I stopped where I always do when I stop to rest.

Lisa was there, waiting for me.

To tell ya the truth, this kinda freaked me out a bit.

I turned around pretty much as soon as I saw her and she stopped me. Not in a mean way or holding me there or anything, but called my name and said, "Please, stop."

She wanted to talk about stuff.

She wanted to talk about why she hated me so much at the beginning of school.

She wanted to talk about why she got over it.

She wanted to talk to me about maybe being friends instead of just a truce.

I wanted to get out of there.

But I stayed and listened. I told her she had five minutes to make her case.

She made good use of those five minutes.

Turns out, she hated me so much because she had a huge crush on me (remember, she's a lesbian) and assumed I was, "... just another straight girl." Then, when she found out about me (which she still won't tell me how she found out!), she said it stood to reason that since I was really a boy (grr!) that I would like girls. And since I wanted to be a girl, then that made her no longer the only lesbian in school. And then she realized that she hated me because of the crush. So she started leaving the notes and stuff in my locker.

I waited for her to run down (I did tell her she had a whole five minutes), then I told her to leave me alone. She wanted to know why. So...

I told her about how hard it is to be the new girl, especially when you're covering up a secret -- she knew how to hide her secret because she knew everyone in town. Yes, so did I, sorta, but they do NOT act the same to me as they did to... him. I told her about being picked on by one of the popular girls so early in the semester not really being a good thing for reputations, despite the "cool" factor of being the one to stand up to the class bitch. Then I told her about the panic and the scary of the Locker Stalker. How I was pretty much freaking out every day.

She waited for me to run down, then apologized. Like, it sounded way formal and totally like she meant it, all unrehearsed and stuff.

We talked then, pretty much about general stuff, for about an hour, and then she walked back to my house. She had a sit-down with my parents and me, and we laid out the rules for not telling about me. Then we shook on it.

I dunno. I mean, part of me is screaming that I'm being more of Goober than Matthew for trusting her, but some other part of me thinks she's on the level, and yet another part of me just... really wants friends and for people to like me.

I'll, uh, try to organize my thoughtishness about Friday for tomorrow. Or later this week. Or something. Augh. I'm a teenager with a very busy life, you're my diary, I tell you what's what, not the other way around! You're not supposed to make me feel guilty for not writing here!

Why are people so shallow? I mean, I had upperclassmen offering to fetch me juice at lunch today!

Because of I'm one of the Homecoming / Apple Fair Princesses?

It was seriously starting to get to me.

After school, though, as we're all making our way towards our lockers, announcing the Academic Decathletes!

I made it! I'm one of the two Freshmen! I pretty much ran home to tell my parents.

Yeah, the whole being a girl thing -- winning move. I'm not a disgustingly depressed, socially outcast, forgettable nobody anymore... I'm happy, I'm part of the Homecoming Royalty, and I'm learning to actually show people what I can do!

See, THIS is what High School is supposed to be like!

So, 10 questions in 10 categories. I can so do this. I wasn't paying attention to the rest of the roster, so I'll have to get the list tomorrow.

I feel all accomplished and stuff!

Well, first off, today was confusing for me... Yes, more than before.

Shut up.

Anyway, school itself was pretty much more of the same as yesterday. I had to tell a bunch of upperclassmen that I'm not allowed to date yet. Don't look at me like that. Mom and Daddy may not have said I can't date, but I can say I'm not allowed if I won't allow it, right?

I waited around after school for the ten categories for the Academic Decathalon, and was talking with Jennifer. I told her about Lisa. I mean, she's my best friend, of course I told her, right? But... she thinks Matthew has a crush on me, too. Augh. I totally don't need one of those drama-filled triangles, let alone one with both a boy and a girl!

So. Ten categories. Geometry, Classic Literature, American History, Earth Science, Physics, Grammar, World History, Anatomy & Physiology, Pop Culture, and Trigonometry.

Wow.

I've got until just before Christmas break to prepare with the rest of the team.

So, the game on Friday night we won (obviously) and then at halftime, we had the presentation of the Homecoming Queen and the Royalty, and after the game... was the dance! Each of the court had to dance with their partner and then the dance itself was a lot of fun. There was a live DJ and a couple of planned skits by some of the upperclassmen. As usual, the spotlight was stolen by Matthew when he paid the DJ to play a string of old stuff and did his own rendition of Judson Laipply's The Evolution of Dance.

Goober.

Okay. Fine. I'll admit it... it was pretty awesome.

So, today, classes were as boring as ever, the kiss ups were doing their best to 'get in good' with me and the other Apple Fair Princesses, and I was referred to as a 'popular chick' for the first time. And yet, this is not what has me in such a good mood.

I am, in fact, in an excellent mood. You want to know why?

I'll tell you, why (whether you want to know or not, smarty-paper).

So, I'm in the library fourth period, because Drama is a study period for a few weeks unless you're part of the cast that actually has lines. I was munching on my apple, because I brought my lunch today. I decided that I'd spend straight through the end of lunch studying for the Aca-Deca, and would nibble on my lunch throughout. At lunchtime, Jennifer, 'Nessa, Hayleigh, and Lisa found me and distracted me -- I kinda needed to pack up anyway. And then when fifth period started, the intercom crackled to life.

"Attention students," it said, "... would Goober Podnick please report to the Gymnasium at once?"

Matthew looked startled for a moment, then he gives me this like, EVIL glare -- I mean, we're talking totally the stink-eye!

I couldn't help it. I giggled and slapped my hands over my mouth.

Then... then the best part happened.

"Stop dallying and get to the gym, Goober," says Mister Wenchley, "and I really would have appreciated being informed that you preferred a nickname. I'm sorry I've not been calling you Goober all year so far."

Then he totally grinned at Matthew! He knew what was going on, but now Matthew had to just accept that 'Goober' is gonna stick to him. I mean, he'd stood up and gathered his stuff when they called him by it! If he, like, so obviously knew it was him the office was talking about, it had to be a nickname, right? Oh, the dirty look he gave me on his way out!

Okay, that's enough of that. What? I'm a teenager, I'm supposed to be a drama llama, right?

Llama. Heh.

Reminds me of a funny joke...

Anyway. Seriously. Why can't I just kinda slink through this year without becoming the center of attention every stinkin' day? It's weird. No one ever even SAW me as... him... but it's like I have not just an audience, but a fan club ever flippin' move I make!

It's like the forces of coincidence are conspiring against me -- both positive and negative.

Everywhere I go, it seems like there's nearly a spotlight on me. So this morning before classes started, I told Jennifer and Matthew that I think I might try to find out if I like girls by going out once with Lisa. Jennifer was all "Yeah, right," and Matthew was just... quiet. Later, talking with Jennifer, she says that Matthew likes me -- again.

I told her there was no way, and then the bell rang and we were still arguing about it on the way to lunch.

Grr. I couldn't make her understand! I said, "No, he doesn't. No way, he's just a friend!"

And she just rolls her eyes at me and then says, "Open your eyes! You like him, too!"

The girl was a dime short of a bus pass, and I answered, "I do not! Well. Yes, I do, but as a friend, not as a --"

And that's when the weird for the day happened. Matthew stepped from around the corner in front of me wearing a TUXEDO, and takes my hand. He spins me back into him and then bends me over backwards and kisses me! I was vaguely aware of something flickering, and he steps back and bows from the waist, before going into one of his GOOBER-Y speeches:

"Fetching Damsel, please, do this wretched servant of yours the honor of attending the cinema and allowing him to provide the means for a repast worthy of your wonderous beauty on the eve of the morrow, at the beginning of the end of this sevenday?"

I think I did a wonderful job of not falling over, as my mouth dropped open.

I looked around and everyone had stopped and was watching. The students, the hall monitor, even some teachers and faculty.

That flickering I noticed? The school paper's feature reporter and the photographer were standing there grinning. His camera was around his neck.

I did the only sensible thing I could.

I pulled my hand out of his and walked past him into the cafeteria to get my lunch.

The rest of the day wasn't any better, and he was asking me again between every period. The school paper was there again after school when I told him (now back in his normal clothes -- where the heck did he get a tux, anyway?) he would have to ask my parents.

No, seriously.

I got to school today and there were stares. There were whispers. I thought maybe they had all found out about me somehow. I was really starting to get scared and on the verge of panic.

Then... I heard it.

The first time I heard it that morning I thought it couldn't be what I'd heard, that I'd been mistaken. Then less than a full minute later I heard it again, and this time it was unmistakable.

Y'know, maybe I don't want to die. I just want to be the one that chokes the life from that... that... GOOBER!

There were giggles and winks and it was just so obnoxious!

If this sticks with me, I'm going to... I dunno. I'm not good at the whole coming up with revenge thing, but he'll regret it, that's for sure!

My mom is a traitor.

I got home from school yesterday, and told her what happened the past couple of days and she said it sounded romantic.

AUGH! Can you believe that? Romantic! And then to make it worse, when Matthew called to ask my parents about the date, she said it was fine as long as I was home by eleven! She totally just didn't get that I didn't want to go! Then she said I, "should have just turned the poor boy down instead of stringing him along," when I told her after she hung up!

Are all parents this dense, or is it just my mom?

I didn't want to go... but I have to admit I had a good time. Matthew's older sister was the one driving us (she's a senior) to dinner and the movie -- she sat at a different table at the restaurant and saw a different movie.

He is funny -- I mean, he's my friend, and I remember that first day when he was just so weird. He still is weird and freaky, but now he's my friend, too... but he's such a goober!

I had fun and really without knowing what I was doing or why, when we got back to my house, I kissed him on the cheek before I went inside. I'm totally going to pay for that. I just know it.

So, this morning and afternoon went as expected. Slouchy and lazy, then ballet and gymnastics. Some of the other girls wanted to know about my date, but I just kinda ignored 'em for now.

I wanted to crawl under the table and die. They don't know anything about how embarrassing they are. Like it totally just skips over their heads.

I think Matthew was almost as mortified as I was when Daddy did his disappearing fork trick. What, are we 7 years old or something? Seriously! I have to call Jennifer tonight and tell her what's been going on.

Matthew and his sister, Cassandra, went with me to play Tekken Tag in my room (where I totally ruled, thank you very much!) while the 'rents did the "get to know you" thing in the living room.

I thought the worst was over.

I thought the entire night could turn out okay, after all.

Ah, but the world has a way of laughing in my face!

We were playing, and Cassandra was making fun of Matthew because he was horrible compared to both of us, and there was a knock at the door.

It opened.

Mom stood there grinning like... I dunno, do yetis grin?

Then she says, "Courtney, you know better than to close this door with a boy in here -- no hanky panky!"

I wanted to melt into the rug.

I think I tried.

Cassandra giggled so hard she snorted.

I glared at her.

I looked over at Matthew...

Except for the rumor mill.

Omigawd.

So, I'm walking down the hall toward my 3rd period class, and I overhear a conversation.

One guy saying to another, "That kid, Goober, I think. You think he pulled off the date with that hot frosh chick? Borrowing the tux from the drama department was smooth. I gotta remember that."

And then the response... made my stomach sink through the floor: "Dude, I heard she fell all over him and nearly begged him to take her in the theater. It's true. My buddy works as an usher there. Any chick that good looking is gonna either be easy, frigid, or lesbo -- and dang near the whole school has seen 'em kissing, so the second and third're out. I bet her panties were left alone at home on Friday, if you know what I mean. Heh heh heh."

So, I've been on a total of one whole date and I'm already 'easy' as far as the boys in school are concerned. I wanted to scream and I wanted to pound those guys for saying such things!

What the heck? This is the most sexist crap ever! I mean, look, they're admiring Matthew, and I'm a slut?!? We didn't even do anything! I'm sorry I ever went on that date! I'm sorry I ever thought anything good about young mister Podnick! I was working myself into a pretty strong mad-on and realized I still needed to get to class.

I turned around and went the other way. This is all that... that... that... that Goober's fault! If I see him in the next few minutes, he's getting a swift kick to the crotch!

I seethed almost to the point of blind rage.

I don't remember anything that I was supposed to learn.

When I got to lunch, and Matthew was sitting at MY table, I dumped my tray over his head and went to get another. He had the audacity to follow me and ask me what he did wrong!

Why do boys have to be such... boys?!?

The rest of the day wasn't any better. Instead of people figuring out that my 'tantrum' at lunch meant that Matthew was spreading LIES about me... him... us (Ew! That makes it sound like we're a couple!) -- me and him(!), everyone is assuming I wanted more! Like I'm some kind of wanton sex maniac or something! It's not just the boys, it's the girls, too!

I ended up running out of 6th period when Ms. Worthing smirked at me, like she knew I would be that kind of girl! I spent most of the period and most of 7th period crying out in the courtyard under the hedge. Mr. Towers came out and sat down next to me and talked. He really listened. I guess he's not just a big dumb jock, after all. He said he'd stop anyone in his classes or on the field from spreading the rumors. He asked me straight out if they were true. When I started screaming at him, he stopped me and said he didn't think they were, and that he'd let me sit out there the rest of class if I wanted, but I needed to come in and get my assignments after the last bell and the buses had left. Now I feel bad for what I thought about him before. I ended up going back in around 5 minutes before the period was over and just slinking to my desk and staring out the window.

Maybe I will be a lesbian. Boys are too much trouble.

Y'know, the worst part is I think Jennifer was right. I was (augh!) starting to LIKE-like Matthew. Not anymore, though. His reputation around the school involving me pretty much means that I never want to talk to him again.

No, not even as a friend.

Hm. So, Lisa, maybe? Well, I took a step that direction. I told her today that I'd meet her at the library, and we could go down to the old pharmacy downtown and get ice-cream sodas. It's a ... sort of ... date.

I'm all kinds of nervous and stuff, but is it nervous-good or nervous-bad?

Ah well, I dunno.

Mom asked me about Matthew when I got home, and I just kinda glared at her. Maybe she'll get the hint that he's persona non grata now.

Anyway, not much else to report today, just waiting for Daddy to take me to the library.

Okay, so, maybe I was too harsh on Matthew. Fine. Yes, I was way too harsh and quick to judge.

He has sacrificed himself on the altar of dignity. I got a copy of the office audio tape so I could get this all right.

So, yeah. He came to school today in a Victorian-era ballgown. Yeah. A dress. A big dress. A very big dress.

He had cleavage.

So, halfway through homeroom, the intercoms come on:

Miss Vidlak
Young lady! Er. Young man! You can't --
Teenage Boy
Let the dude speak, ma'am. This is a matter of the heart.
Miss Vidlak
He can't just --
Teenage Girl
Ma'am, I think if you just let him, you'll understand. This isn't a Hallowe'en prank, I swear on my 4.0 GPA.

[[incoherent mumbling and whispering]]

GOOBER

Ladies and gentlemen of the faculty and staff, honored guests, students of every shape and size... and jocks. My name is Matthew Podnick. Some -- maybe most of you -- know me better as, ah... Goober.

Thing is, the young lady that tagged me with that moniker is the girl I have fallen in love with. She's the girl I won the right to date by virtue of sheer-determination.

However, that one and only date has been stained.

The pure white carpet of the perfect date has been stained with the grape juice of lies and rumors.

You jerks.

I mean, I'm weird. I've always been weird, even before I came to this school -- heck I'm wearing a dress right now! Not just any dress, but one that even girls have a hard time moving around in, let alone a boy like me staging an attempt at apology that may not even work in it. I am just about the strangest kid any of you are likely to ever meet.

She talked to me.

She was the one that made friends with me.

And she was the one that I -- well, hey, if people can be sappy on other holidays, why not this one, right? -- she was the one that I fell in love with.

I found a way to present my desire to date her.

It worked... it actually was goofy enough to make her feel special without making her feel weirded out.

Her parents said it was okay.

We went out, we had fun... I enjoyed just basking in her aura.

And when my mother drove us back to her house, she kissed me -- er, the girl, not my mom. And it was just a kiss on the cheek, but it was more than I had hoped.

I got to school the next Monday -- that was two days ago, for those of you following along without a program -- and there were all these whispered rumors.

At lunch, I saw her, and got her lunch over my head for my trouble.

That's when I figured out that I needed to know what was going on.

What can I say, subtle was never my strong suit.

When I figured it out, I was appalled. This is a nice, smart, beautiful girl... why does there have to be this kind of rumor mill?

Let me make this perfectly clear:

She gave me a kiss on the cheek. The cheek on my face. That's it. We did not, under any definition, make out or bluntly... have sex.

I couldn't have had sex. I'm still a virgin. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be if we had.

The jerks who made up the rumors about her -- and me, incidentally -- I know who you are. I am clever. You won't know what or where or when.

So let me break this down for you, my audience: The rumors are false, I'm wearing a dress, and I will continue to wear my sister's clothes until the girl of which I speak at least talks to me. I'm sorry. I apologize. I am your humble servant, milady. Er. Maidservant, I guess, if you want. Y'know, if you're into that kind of thing.

What? Oh. Yah. The dress I'm currently wearing is NOT my sister's clothes, she wouldn't be caught doing homework in a dress like this, but Cory Jaques would.

[[thumping sound]]

Ow. Okay, Cory wouldn't either. Thank you all for your time.

Anyway. I still didn't talk to Matthew yet. If he wants to punish himself, I'll let him for a few days. He wore a skirt and sweater set today. He's not trying to look like a girl, just wearing them like nothing was wrong.

He's such a goober.

Well, I met Lisa at the library after school, and we went to the Pharmacy on the square. Mr. Warren was behind the soda counter, and we pulled up a couple of stools. Lisa and I talked, about school, about being friends, about Matthew... she said she understands if I like boys, but she had hoped. I think she may end up being a really good friend in the long run.

We paid and walked to my house and just before we got there, she stopped and asked me if she could think of today as a date, just the once.

Y'know... I really don't see what harm it could do, as long as she knows I'm not really, well, into her. So I thought for a minute, then I gave her a kiss on the cheek, like I did Matthew.

We hugged, and she went on back toward school, and I went the last hundred yards or so to my house.

That was... not as bad as I thought it would be.

Ah well. He doesn't have the legs for it, anyway. So we... talked.

... and talked...

... and talked some more.

He really is a great guy. Even if he is a goober! So, apparently, it was just a guy thing -- and boys try to make it seem like we're the gossip-y ones -- and he has found out where the rumors started. He wouldn't tell me, but I think I won't have to worry anymore.

The downside is that whole... "Goober's Girl" thing. But... I can live with it. He pointed out that it's better than him being known as something else (Courtney's C...). Which would imply exactly what we didn't WANT to imply!

So, at lunch today, it was the normal group of us again. Matthew reached over and held my hand, and Jennifer just game me this smug look. Oooh. If she weren't my best friend, I'd smack her! Yes, yes, she was right. Shut up, you're just a book -- you'll burn if I want you to.

Tonight after school was the first practice for the Aca-Deca, and whoever does best on the practice test we took on each grade level will be the "starter" for the Quiz Bowl rounds (where you buzz in and answer the questions asked), and the other will be the alternate. The best score overall gets to be Captain for both the Quiz Bowl and the test rounds!

It doesn't seem to be as hard anymore. Hrm.

Well, anyway... this afternoon was the tryouts for Into the Woods and I think I did okay. Like I was totally convinced I was horrible for the tryouts for The Music Man, I think I did really well for this.

There was a creepy guy watching me sitting outside when I was waiting for Daddy to pick me up from ballet, but I went inside and waited until I saw Daddy. When I came back out the widgy dude was gone.

I told him, and he went inside to talk to the adult folks.

He was very... scary... again.

He and Mom are right now discussing how much I'm allowed to see Matthew outside of school.

Augh.

Hayleigh and 'Nessa showed up at our door with their moms at like 5:30. In the morning. They came in to talk to me and wake me up and stuff, while their moms went to talk to Mom and Daddy in the kitchen.

They know what's going on, but won't tell me anything about it, so I'm writing in my Diary. Neener to them!

Yeah, it's immature, but c'mon. I'm a teenager. Deal with it.

We're gonna go and complain about being starved and cruel and unusual punishment and then when Mom shoves food at us, we're gonna fire up Tekken Tag and play.

Got out of the car.

Saw the crowd.

Went to go see what was going on.

Looked up.

Gawked.

Wow.

Um... wow.

I've heard of running underwear up the flagpole before... but don't they usually take the guy wearing it out of it, first?

Tommy Bunnaraker is naked except for his boxers and a WHOLE lotta duct tape holding him at the top of the flagpole, with big letters on his (shaven?) chest in what looks like black marker that says, "I spread rumors."

The principal came out a few minutes later and ran us all inside.

Well, all of us except Tommy.

Apparently, the official report that Tommy gave was that brownies did it to him. Not the little girls that are too young to be full Girl Scouts, but the elf-fairy things that are supposed to be in Ireland. And that's the story he stuck to.

Hunh.

And I have to keep my mind off of this disaster

Now that I have something to do, I'll be fine though.

Oh, yeah, so it's like nearly 7 o'clock and we've not had dinner, so Mom'll likely talk dad into dinner out when we leave, but still...

There's just too much that's happened. Mom thinks I may be in shock over things, so we're likely gonna go by the hospital and I'll be poked at for awhile.

It's just not fair. I was just getting used to it.

Okay, here's what happened:

After school yesterday, it was announced that I was the Freshman starter for the Aca-Deca! Okay, so practice every day after school.

Well... that seems to have been too widely known a fact.

Remember the widgy dude outside of ballet on Saturday? Well... I didn't see him.

Yeah.

He was waiting around the corner for me and before I could even take a breath to scream or whatever he'd slapped tape over my mouth, wrapped more around my hands and feet, and put me in a van. I was so scared. I was struggling, trying to get loose, and then I heard a voice I knew.

Like this is going to help me at all.

Grandma Thatcher.

Yeah.

So, apparently when she got out of jail, Grandpa filed for divorce. After like, nearly 35 years married!

Guess who she blames?

Oh, not ME... nope. She blames her grandson Ethan.

And now everyone will know.

You see, she's convinced that Ethan is a pervert and that he has corrupted his grandfather.

Yeah.

So, by making me "see the truth" that I'm really Ethan, she hoped she could save her marriage.

That was when the guy got in the driver's seat and started the van.

I was more scared now than when I thought it was just some random guy, especially when she told him, "Meet my grandson, Ethan." The guy started laughing and talking about how he "got it" now and that she was trying to cure her grandson.

That's when something landed on the roof.

I'd be fine with that nickname now, I think.

And then things really got hectic.

An airhorn started going off about every few seconds.

I didn't know what was going on, but I was suddenly hopeful, because I could hear police sirens. The guy sped up and it rolled me around in the back, but he was cussing under his breath. Grandma Thatcher was screaming at him and I was suddenly... calm.

Anyway, things got confusing as I was just trying to keep from burying my face in the floor. That's not all that easy with your arms and legs all tied up.

And then there was cops and they were carting away Grandma and the widgy dude and one cop was talking to Matthew... sternly.

Yeah.

He was waiting for me, and saw the whole thing, and called the cops. He climbed a tree and jumped on top of the van. He was the thump on the roof.

And...

Well...

I guess it was kind of inevitable...

I haven't gotten to talk to him...

But from what I heard the cops talking about...

And the way he looked at me...

I'm pretty sure...

They say that when the people we care about turn their backs on us, it can trigger "an episode" that can lead to such an attempt.

Matthew wouldn't speak to me today. Every time he saw me he turned around and went the other direction.

I looked for him after Aca-Deca practice to see if we could talk. He wasn't there. Mom was. I've been in my room since we got home.

I guess this is the part where I say, "Goodbye, cruel world!" or some such, huh? It's not fair. I didn't ask to be born like this. It's not as if anyone would choose to be a freak, to be someone that can never fall in love and be loved in return. I just want... I want a chance to talk to my BOYFRIEND -- there, see? I have a boyfriend. I want to be his girlfriend. I want...

I wish that I was Goober's Girl, just one last time...

Ugh.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I know Mom has that bottle of pills under her stockings in her underwear drawer. I just want to make it stop hurting. Why can't I just be me? Why does my own Grandma hate me so much?

I'm going to call Jennifer.

She thinks I'm being stupid. Great. So now I don't have a boyfriend, and my best friend thinks I'm stupid, and my Grandma hates me, and ...

She told them to come and stop me from killing myself.

Which I hadn't tried.

Okay, so I was thinking about it some, but I wouldn't actually... would I?

Mom and Daddy are all freaking out now.

The lady cop from when Grandma Thatcher took me to the hotel room is my "minder" now, I think. Detective Martinelli. She's nice enough, but she shouldn't have to walk me to and from school.

So embarrassing.

I tried to talk to Matthew today.

No luck.

All the girls in school are talking about how "special" it "was" between us, and that it's a pity it didn't last.

I just want him to TALK to me!

Is that so much to ask?

I think I'm gonna talk to Mom.

Mom dropped me off at Matthew's house and I knocked on the door.

And knocked again.

And listened to them say stuff I couldn't make out.

And stood on the porch.

And it started to rain.

And knocked again.

And then Mom showed up and picked me up, sopping wet.

I watched the curtains jerk as we drove off, like someone was watching me.

I'm skipping ballet and gymnastics.

I don't care. I'm going to play Tekken Tag with Daddy all day and pig out on Doritos and Pepsi Max.

I feel so guilty.

I mean, I know it's not really any of his business...

... and I didn't really lie to him...

But it just hurts, y'know? I mean, I finally admit to myself that I like the guy and that I wanna be his girlfriend... and he totally just walks away.

I thought he was better than that.

Turns out, he's just like everyone else.

Why would I want that?

Anyway, I'm just gonna netsurf for awhile, I think.

Oh, and Daddy beat me in every single game of Tekken Tag yesterday. I was totally not on my game.

Rapture.

They started yelling at him and he was confused as to why, and when they figured out that he didn't know what they were talking about, they clammed up and dragged him over to me.

Turns out... he didn't hear anything.

He's been avoiding me because his mom and dad told him he had to.

The whole jumping on top of the van thing got him in some serious trouble at home. And they were afraid for me, too. They told him it was better to have a 'clean break' and just avoid me.

We talked. He didn't want to avoid me, and he and his parents like my family, but they said he had to stop talking to me even. They're the ones that told him to turn around and go the other way if he saw me in the hall.

So, after school, after Aca-Deca practice, I found out that the four girls had kept him waiting for me.

They stood just out of earshot on the school front lawn to make sure we talked.

From his point of view, that day, he saw the weirdness happening and climbed a tree and called 9-1-1. He jumped onto the van and it took off. He tried to let go, but his backpack was caught on the vent/window thing on top. So he slipped off and... well, he didn't hear anything that I was worried about him hearing.

About that time, Mom pulled up.

I looked at her.

She nodded, and then turned off the car and pulled out a book.

I looked back at the boy sitting in front of me... the one that I had finally admitted that I was falling for...

But he thinks we need to talk to his parents. Mom and Daddy have invited them over for dinner again tonight. Maybe we'll get everything straightened out and out in the open and... and...

Omigawd.

I mean, school today was weird... everyone was kinda doing the stare thing when Matthew and I were holding hands openly... but that's kinda to be expected. Jennifer, Lisa, 'Nessa and Hayleigh teased us at every opportunity. But I don't care.

I have a Matthew. Hee!

First Aca-Deca meet is Friday (tomorrow!), and I'm all nervous.

Anyway.

So we get picked up by his parents and they take us over to my house.

Mom was totally Donna-Reeded (even if that's not a word/phrase, you're my diary, and can't complain. You know, lacking that whole sentience and verbal skills thing) and was wearing -- I swear -- a black dress with pink microdots, pink HIGH HEELS (I didn't even know she OWNED any heels anymore, since she threw most of 'em away after that whole dress code thing last year...), and had the perfect makeup, hair, nails, thing going on. And ... she was wearing an honest-to-Obama string of PEARLS.

Whoa.

Daddy was even more corny and hokey.

He had a pipe.

He doesn't smoke.

I thought it was just prop to chew on.

It was a stinking bubble pipe.

My parents are weird.

Okay, so we sit down and we have the talk with Matthew's parents.

And we talk.

And we explain.

And they react...

Oddly.

I think I was the most normal person in the dang house.

And I mean really... I'm ME.

So that's saying a lot.

And at the end of the evening, when they're getting ready to leave, his parents go and get all embarrassing.

His mom says, "Well, I guess this answers the question about whether they've had sex or not..."

And while the two of us are standing there trying to out redden each other, it gets worse!

His dad says, "Hey yeah! We don't have to worry about pregnancy."

It may not have been so embarrassing, but MY parents were laughing along with them.

I came upstairs and started writing this.

I'd like someone to repair my parents humor-kabobble dohickey.

Academic Decathalon is great!

Okay, so we didn't win every event, but we did well enough to get second place over all as a team, and there were 11 schools there. I got first place Frosh, and in the Quiz Bowl section we got second place.

Matthew was up to his normal stuff today at lunch. Halfway through lunch, he stands up and announces, "In view of the recent developments in the rumor mill, I shall make it easier for you all. Yes. Courtney and I are what you may call an 'item' now. That means nothing more or less than exactly what it is, and is what our parents and grandparents would have called, 'Going steady,' in their days."

Then he sat down and continued to eat while I tried to melt into a puddle in my chair to get away from the whispers and stares.

Mom and me both agree there. Daddy was up and gone to play golf or polo or tiddlywinks or whatever at some stupidly early time and sometime around 10 this morning is when we got up.

We sat at the table and blinked at each other.

She pushed a cup of hot cocoa over to me and poured her morning cup of Nastyâ„¢ (some folks call it "coffee") and then we sat there and silently drank it.

We made it to my classes in time, but Mom had sunglasses to hide the bloodshot eyes and just sat there grinning at me while I had to be all perky.

We're going to try to get his parents and my parents to agree to have Thanksgiving together. We've discovered that neither of us are going anywhere, so if our families work together, it'll be double the fun and half the work for everyone.

Trouble is... I think both moms have already bought a turkey.

Our moms will be doing the cooking thing, while our dads will be doing the watch sports thing... and Matthew and I will be helping our moms as much as we have to, and watching TV with our dads as much as we can get away with.

This year it's at our house, and I guess the expectation is that we do it at their house next year.

School today was kind of... blah.

I think even the teachers were ready for today to be over, because we had "study time" in most classes today. Tomorrow, we're only here until lunchtime, and then we're out until Monday.

The girls all wanna do the whole Mall trip thing tomorrow, and Jennifer's mom has offered to drive us all, I'm supposed to ask if I can go.

Oh.

Shopping is fun -- it's one of my favorite pasttimes.

But shopping with four other girls, all of us with our own ideas of a schedule, our own agendas as to which sales to hit...

It's still fun, and a blast... but exhausting!

Like, every single store seemed to know 'Nessa and Hayleigh, and most knew Lisa and Jennifer... and I was so totally tired of being introduced to clerks and 'sales associates' by the end of the evening I wanted to scream.

"So who's your new friend, girls?"

Every.

Stinking.

Store.

The first couple startled us, because we weren't thinking of me as a 'new' addition. Hayleigh even said later that it was weird thinking of me as the 'new' girl because I was the reason we all hung out together.

That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

So, anyway, we figured out after like, 20 minutes, that we all had Goth Topic on our 'must visit' lists, so we all just swarmed it. The dude in there was way put out because we're TEENYBOPPERS. Shyah. Right. As if. The chick in there, though... she didn't see teenyboppers. She saw dollar signs and knew to treat those dollar signs courteously. I got some purple and black stripey socks that come all the way up to the tops of my thighs, and a purple plaid skirt that 'Nessa said was indecently short, but Jennifer thinks I should wear it to school on Monday. I got a thing that looks like a corset when it's all done up and buckled (yeah, buckles on a corset is so nifty!), but really slips over my head and blouse. It matches the skirt and socks, and I got some Scá¼nci that match, too (y'know, I really don't know how to pronounce that, but I've always said it like "scrunchy" and no one's corrected me). With the boots I got to go with it all over at Faerie Feets, that was like half of my shopping funds. Oh! Lisa got this AMAZING green and brown outfit at Earthen Princess (lame name, but they have such awesome clothes) -- green and brown may sound boring, but it's abso-fricking-lutely the most gorgeous anything any of us came away with. It suits her, too. Green and brown and earth tone stuff just makes me look like I've been making mud pies.

At one point, I could SWEAR that I saw my Goober following us. But if he was, he and the OTHER goobers he was with (yeah, I know I saw at least a couple) were good at hiding once we spotted 'em.

Good day.

Great day.

Holy crap I spent a lot of money!

It's about the turkey.

Oh.

And about being thankful.

I'm thankful that I'm finally allowed to be who I'm supposed to be, more than anything.

And right now, it's 5 o'clock in the evening... and I'm thankful that I have a big fluffy bed in which to lapse into a tryptophan coma.

Well, sort of.

His mom is driving us because we're still, y'know, fourteen.

But we're going to see a movie with that old guy from Rain Man and that girl who was Queen Amidala in Star Wars.

It looks nifty, but best I can tell it's about a magical toy shop, like old style toy shop you see in those old movies where there's high ceilings and kids with their noses up against the glass. The old dude is pretty kooky in most things, so he should be good in this.

Today, all the girls are over here with moms and we showed off the stuff we got on Wednesday before making Daddy and the other dad go get stuff for a cookout while we called the other three dads and siblings.

We're playing with the PS2, and 'Nessa mentioned that her family just got one of those motion sensor game machines. It's called, "The Nintendo We," and I keep wondering if it's gonna be like the Royal We or something in history books of the future. Will people in the future have any clue what gaming is all about?

I woke up to a brick being thrown through my window.

Mom and Dad were in there before my feet hit the floor. There was some weird guy yelling about how the Devil never rests on the Sabbath, and so he wouldn't either. Yelling all kinds of crazy things.

Then I realized he was yelling about me.

Because I'm "an abomination" or something.

So... God doesn't love me? I thought God loved everyone?

I was freaking out and then a car pulled up and Simone jumps out and TACKLES the guy, and he fights her off and runs away just as the cops get there -- Dad had called them, but I hadn't heard.

Simone knew the guy and the cops went to get him and he wasn't where he should've been. She knew he was going to do something like this and tried to stop him.

I have no idea what's going on.

Turns out, the crazy preacher guy was the pastor Grandma Thatcher requested from prison. That's how he knew about me.

I shoulda known.

God is love. He can't hate anyone -- it's the one thing that God can't do.

School was another day at school. I'm beginning to feel almost normal again.

Of course... word is definitely around that I'm "Goober's Girl" -- I dunno. It's not such a bad title to have. Hee!

Matthew Podnick is a Goober!

...

This is so totally not fair.

Hayleigh thinks I should meet the guy and ask him why my grandma would lie to him, and get all dewy-eyed. It might work. It also might cause him to dive over the table and throttle me along with letting him know what I look like.

Jennifer thinks I should out myself first, so that he (and Grandma Thatcher) neither one have anything left to hurt me with -- the problem there is that means that I've hurt myself.

Simone thinks she has a plan, but won't tell me. She talked to the cops about it, though.

Matthew just hugged me tight when he found out. He also said something about vectors and the Oort cloud and Geoffrey Chaucer being deified, but I've learned to just let him ramble when he says things like that. It may be relevant, but no one will understand until after the fact and after much research into what he's rambling about.

Um, the editor of the newspaper just made life easier for me, and doesn't even know me. Grandma Thatcher's lawyer tried to out me by going to the newspaper, and thought there'd be nothing to stop it. He was arrested for something or other, I don't know the actual charges, but the editor that he gave the info to was the one that called the police..

So, yeah.

Oh, and in other news... Matthew's parents have decided that we're to go to their house for Christmas dinner, like they came over here for Thanksgiving.

His mom said she's gonna make roast duck.

Is it okay to eat ducks?

I mean... is that like eating horse or dog or cat or something?