Ralph

It was one of those interminable family parties when it all began. OK, when you're a teenager getting told attendance is mandatory at any family event is bad enough, but a gathering at Uncle Richard's place is a special torture.

I grew up with my cousins living only two blocks away, so we were constant companions. Our families often got together for picnics or parties. This particular party was called to wish me and my cousin Martha goodbye as we went off to college.

Since Uncle Richard is Mom's brother I suppose I should respect him, but to be honest: Uncle Richard is a right bastard. Call him Uncle Dick only at your own risk. He is a dick, but we don't say it out loud, so I usually refer to him as Uncle Bastard. I don't think he'd appreciate the difference, but who cares?

He's six foot six, bald as an egg and has never been wrong in his life. You don't even have to ask, he'll tell you what's wrong with your life and how to fix it. If you don't agree, he's perfectly ready to reinforce his opinion with a clout and a demand to "respect your elders."

I still haven't figured out how Mom and Uncle Richard ended up being born to the same woman. Grandma Linda is a very cool. I spent a lot of time at her place as I was growing up; even she shakes her head when anyone asks how she managed to raise a son so bullheaded and conservative and a daughter so laid-back and liberal. Not that I've asked that question directly, but more than a few have wondered about it. Just let me say I'm glad I ended up with the parents I did.

I didn't have much hope of making it through the gathering without being told just how to behave at college; poor Martha probably had been given her orders already. Since we would also be sharing an apartment I expected a lecture on chastity would be a dominant part of the proceedings.

Chastity? Really? That only shows you don't know Uncle Richard. There's a dirty, suspicious mind under all that pious bullshit. I'm not sure how Mom managed to convince him it was reasonable for us to be in the same apartment, and I'm not going to ask!

My three cousins, Martha, Wendy and Steve, pretty much bear witness to how poorly his philosophy of raising children fares. Wendy and Steve, the two youngest, were left-handers. I emphasize were, because Uncle Richard was convinced that that was a mark of the devil and no kid of his was going to be a sinister character. He beat it out of them, all right, but you can pretty much imagine the results - two cowed, confused and damaged kids. Very obedient, though, and that was enough for my right bastard uncle. Unfortunately, I don't see much of them.

Cousin Martha, the oldest, was fortunate to be a right hander, but she didn't get off scot free. She didn't inherit her father's loathsome personality, but she did inherit his height. At twelve she was 5'11", now at eighteen she's 6'4".

An unusually tall girl in High School can handle it two ways: adopt a mouse-like attitude and crouch down to hide it or stand tall and tell the world (read most our class) to go to hell and shut up about it. Martha was quite ready to tell the world to go to hell, mostly in a polite way, but when the situation called for it she could channel her father's bastard personality to a frightening degree.

Want an example? Even if you don't you're going to get one: Martha was not only unusually tall, but unusually well endowed with size G cups in her bra. If she wasn't my cousin I might have been interested in her myself, but that's another story. (Hey! Maybe Uncle Richard did have something to worry about.)

Anyway, Sammy Carlson had formed the habit of mooing as he passed her in the hall. Martha is used to idiots staring at her and making stupid comments, but Sammy didn't know when to quit. After several days of bovine imitation he added a new fillip: muttering "Udderly incredible!" as the moo faded away.

To continue the bovine metaphor, Martha was sick of this bull and took Sammy by the horns and expressed her displeasure by accurately describing how a farmer "milks" a recalcitrant bull to obtain semen. She offered to demonstrate the process on Sammy using barbed wire restraints and 80 grit sandpaper, then placing the resulting sample deeply up his ass.

She never raised her voice, but her remarkably clear enunciation let just about everybody in the school hallway hear her offer quite clearly. Sammy decided he had milked that "joke" quite enough and just about creamed his jeans right there.

So anyway, to get back to the family gathering, I was seated next to cousin Martha on the couch enduring another of Uncle Richard's slide shows. OK, he had someone transfer all the slides to a computer and showed it on the big-screen TV, but we still call it a slide show. Sadly, we couldn't mutter too many disparaging comments to each other because Uncle Richard has sharp ears, but we did exchange elbow digs and grimaces that couldn't be seen in the darkened room.

Finally the interminable 'slide-show' came to an end and we thought we were finally to be freed from bondage, but it was not to be. Good old Uncle Richard, ignoring the groans from his audience, clicked on one more directory filled with the family history. This one started with my younger sister Terri as a baby and went backward through Stephen, Wendy, my younger brother Dave and finally reached Martha and me. We were born eleven days apart - not surprising as both our fathers had returned on the same two week furlough from duty in the service. Neither one got to come home for the actual birth, so Mom and Aunt Anna spent a lot of time together when we were but mewling babes.

Time had taken its toll on the slides, so we got to see fuzzy, red tinted images of ourselves from birth to about two years old. The final slide, for a wonder, was crystal clear and in true color. There we were, two adorable little girls in matching dresses. It must have been taken at a wedding or something like that, those dresses weren't something any sane parent would let a child wear without strict supervision. I gave Martha an elbow dig, but then I read the legend hand printed on the picture: Ralph and Martha at Ellen's Wedding.

Yeah, right! You can just bet that Uncle Bastard was saving that one to embarrass me. Now, I've alluded to how Martha can stand up to a bully, but I am no slouch at lobbing bombs myself, verbal, I assure you! Uncle Bastard had never been loath to display his homophobia, so I figured the perfect response would be a challenge to his prejudices.

"Hey, that was a lot of fun. Martha, can I borrow one of your dresses? We can do a new picture, kind of like those then and now things in the paper."

"Do you think my skirts might still fit you? You've only got an inch on me, cousin," she replied with a grin - fortunately hidden in the darkened room.

It got the desired response from Uncle Richard, as he began to grumble and growl, but what I hadn't thought through was that there were other people in the room. Like my Mother.

"If it keeps you out of my underwear drawer then I'm all for it!"

Whoa!

"Awww Mom!"

Yeah, I knew she knew about my crossdressing; she's always been cool, but the details will come later in the story. The upside was Uncle Bastard was rendered speechless.

"Does that mean we have to pack two suitcases for him when he enters the world of higher education?" my Dad inquired.

"Nah! He'll have to get his own stuff, he outgrew mine long ago."

Too bad it was still dark; from the sounds that Uncle Bastard was making, his face must be a sight. Mom always said it was way too easy to get him worked up when they were kids. I guess nothing much had changed - except he was getting worked up at me.

"Richard, you're going to have a stroke if you don't calm down!"

That was Aunt Anna. At six foot five Uncle Bastard wasn't the only one contributing tall genes to my cousins. She was always deferring to Uncle Bastard until she got her way - a pretty smart lady. I can't see what she saw in him to keep her in the marriage, but what do I know?

"Calm down! Our daughter is going to live in the same house as a pervert and I should calm down?"

It was at that point Aunt Anna turned on the lights and we all sat there stunned and blinking as we adjusted to the light. The silence was broken by Aunt Anna's peals of laughter.

"God Richard! Aren't you ever going to be able to know when your sister is pulling your chain?"

"Huh?" Uncle Bastard looked confused; Mom looked downright smug.

"Little brother, you are so easy to get cranking. Anyone as bald as you are really needs to keep your temper under control. Harry, would you call that color puce or carmine?"

"Carnelian, perhaps, although it is fading."

"C'mon Daddy!" chimed in Martha, "I make a lousy joke and you go ballistic. Besides, I wouldn't share my underwear with anyone."

I was thinking I would need a couple of weather balloons to stuff one of Martha's bras if I wore it, but good sense kicked in and I remained silent.

"I'm sorry brother. Someday I'll grow up but it's so easy to push your buttons I just can't resist."

If you look in the dictionary for the definition of "glower" you'll find Uncle Richard's picture taken at that moment.

Aunt Anna spent a few more minutes soothing my agitated Uncle and Mom and Dad decided it was time to head for home, much to my relief. On the way out, Martha whispered "You can still wear my dresses when we share the apartment in the fall, Mary."

"And you can still wear mine. Won't it be nice not to have to hide?"

Ralph

There was silence in the family car for short interval. Finally Mom, turned to me and said "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, Ralph, but I guess I'll never grow up when it comes to teasing my brother."

"It must be a constant temptation with someone as rigid as Uncle Richard. I'm glad I was born on this side of the family. There's no way he'd really believe I like to wear dresses and no way in hell he would believe you don't mind."

"Sometimes the best way to lie is to tell a truth that nobody wants to believe."

"How come you didn't teach me that bit of philosophy when I was a kid?"

"Because we still had hopes of being good parents back then," offered Dad. "Now it's obvious you figured it out for yourself so we can admit it."

"If it wasn't against the rules I'd tell you I think you're good parents."

"Whose rules are we talking about? Richard's?"

"Nah! It's too easy to break his rules. In fact, I kind of enjoy breaking his rules, and so does Martha."

"If he realized that picture was only the beginning of you two playing dress-up together he'd have a stroke."

"How did you and Aunt Anna manage to get us those dresses without Uncle Richard going ballistic?"

"Actually, you and Martha put up such a fuss when we wanted you to wear a suit to the wedding we gave in to save our hearing. We got away with it because Richard was out of town and didn't know until he found the slide when he had them digitized."

"How come you got all the 'relaxed fit' genes and Uncle Richard got the 'skintight strangle your crotch' genes?" my brother Dave asked.

"Ask Darwin. He's the one who talked about survival of the fittest. My genes fit me very comfortably, thank you."

"So how did I get genes that make me like dresses instead of jeans?"

"I guess your Uncle hogged all the macho genes so there weren't any left in the pool. Besides, your father made a contribution, you know."

"Glad to know I'm considered part of this family."

"And I'm glad I got you for a father and not Uncle Richard. I just don't get how anyone can live their life wound so tight."

"Don't quote me," Dad responded, "but I suspect it's partly how he is made and partly from his time in the service. You know we were both in the service at the same time when the powers-that-be decided to hold another war?"

"I'm told that's how Martha and I got to be here."

"That's another story. Well, the job fairy made me a dental assistant and I never even came close to combat. Richard wasn't so lucky and had a lot of people shooting at him. That changes a man. I hope none of you hooligans ever have to find out first hand how that works. The people who live through combat like that learn to do things by the book and obey without question or they end up dead."

"When you put it like that..."

"I'd say combat reinforced Richard's natural tendencies."

"I think you're right, Harry," Mom said. "He wasn't quite as bad before he was in the service."

"It's a price some people pay so the rest of us don't have to keep looking over our shoulders for the storm troopers. Sadly, it's a price some people pay for ambitious and venal political leaders who don't give a crap about anyone but themselves. In any case, Richard paid it."

"I never thought about it like that."

"That's why I brought it up. The hell that Richard went through is part of the reason both you and him can have such different outlooks on life and still be part of the same society. There are no easy answers, son. It's easy to come up either-or, black-and-white answers; you don't have to think too hard to do it. Your Mom and I try our best to be flexible and look at the complete picture before we spout off."

"That's why we were determined to be non-sexist raising you bunch of hooligans," Mom took over, "and it worked better than we ever expected. It wasn't easy to realize that you loved to dress up in skirts, but it's never easy to stick to your principles when they conflict with the societal norms. You and Martha have always made cute twin girls, even if you both scrape the ceilings in your beehive hairdos."

"I wouldn't be caught dead in a beehive hairdo! Too retro for me - I like the natural look."

"You can thank your mother's heritage for the genes that let you have that natural look without much shaving. I wanted a beard in the worst way when I was your age."

"I'll have to thank gramps and grandma sometime!"

"That can wait; living with Martha will be enough of a challenge for now."

"Especially when Richard comes for a visit. You two made any plans for that?"

"Good thing we're far enough away to make that unlikely."

"Unlikely or not, keep it in mind. Just remember Richard's responsible for the rent on her half of the place," Dad reminded me. "We just bought the place, but the mortgage payments are due every month. Your Grandfather did the same for my sister and me when we went to school; a whole lot cheaper than four years of room and board at the dorms if you have the down payment. Keep Richard happy - he gets too torqued off, you and your cousin will be homeless."

"Propriety shall be my watchword."

I assume you and Martha will be spending much of your time as sisters?"

"Depends on how generous you guys are with my clothing allowance. Dressing for two can be expensive; neither of us can find much to fit in a thrift shop."

"My wallet aches just thinking about it! Your poor siblings will have to run around naked if you stop doing computer wizardry to buy your second wardrobe."

"Wouldn't Terri without any clothes torque off Uncle Richard?" My brother Dave can always see the bright side of a problem.

"I think I'll wait until I graduate before I join a nudist colony." My sister is more practical than I am. "I'd invite you for a visit but how would anyone know you're a crossdresser without any clothes?"

"The whole idea is that nobody realizes I'm a crossdresser, sis. Clothes make the woman, you know."

"Especially in your case. Maybe you should get a job selling poor, unsuspecting women bras and panties like those silly stories you read."

"That sounds like a fine idea to me," said Dad. "Your sister is getting to be too old to run around naked."

"I'll settle for a new string bikini, Dad. It won't cost that much, there's hardly any fabric in it."

"Don't get your hopes up, sis. Fooling around with computers pays a lot more than retail, how do you think I got my wardrobe when I outgrew Mom's stuff? Besides, can you imagine me in a lingerie shop hulking over some five foot tall teenie-bopper trying to recommend the right teddy to seduce her boyfriend? You've seen how people look at Martha on the street, and she's the genuine article.

"Which reminds me, Ralph," Dad offered, "while you've gotten to be almost believable as your cousin's sister, you do need to be careful when you go out in public. As a wise man I would never criticize a woman's body, but you have a steep learning curve, I fear."

"You don't have to tell me that, Dad. I just hope Martha can help me with more than schoolwork."

"If you haven't figured that out after all those tea parties where she dressed you up, you must be a slow learner."

Brothers can be a real pain in the ass.

"Hey, it's only been a year since I admitted to all of you I really like to dress up. I haven't had that much practice. I try to model myself on my cousin."

"She's one tough cookie, you know. If anyone knows how to present as a very classy tall woman, Martha is the one. Just don't do anything stupid when you're on your own."

"Like wanting to dress like a woman whenever I can?"

"Stupid? These days that's still pretty odd, but hardly stupid. You have a lot of company in your desires. I would think a liberal college town would be a pretty safe place to try out your new persona. Just stay out of bars, OK?"

"Now that would be stupid. Strictly tea rooms and ladies garden club meetings for me."

"Tea rooms? I have a hard time picturing you in a pastel suit with a big, floppy hat, holding a cup of tea with your pinky sticking out."

"Which goes to show your lack of imagination, little brother. We modern women can do anything we set our minds to. You, as a hopeless Neanderthal male, are limited to grunting and loping after wounded saber-toothed tigers while your former girlfriend laughs her head off."

"Children!" reproved Mom, "If you can't say anything nice…"

"Go into politics where it won't be noticed," cut in Dad.

"Harry, you're not helping."

"At least I'm not grunting and chasing a kitty cat."

"And I wouldn't eat that poor kitty-cat if you did catch it," Terri threw in.

"We seem to have drifted somewhat afield from Ralph's feminine aspirations. Could we get back on the subject? Like how to balance the masculine, feminine and schoolwork?"

"I think I have that part straight," I replied. " Ralph-the-boy will be the one to attend classes. Mary-the-girl stays in the apartment until I think she's ready to meet the public. She won't be attending classes or doing anything to draw attention to herself."

"I knew we raised a sensible child, if such a concept can be applied to this situation," Dad commented.

"Well, so far I haven't found anything sensible in crossdressing and I'm the one doing it!"

"Janet, we're raising a hippie! 'If it feels good, do it!' - the anthem of our generation."

"Please don't start singing again, Dad!" Stereo from Dave and Terri.

"Talkin' 'bout m' gener... Ouch!"

"Harry, we were just extolling the virtues of not attracting undue attention to our flaws. Set a good example for the children."

"Are you insinuating my vocal abilities are flawed?"

"No I'm stating it directly. Your singing sucks, dear, but you have redeeming qualities that I will not mention in front of the children."

"Early bedtime tonight, kids. For all of us!"

"Harry!"

Ralph

"Stop the car!" I shouted.

"What do you think this is, some detective movie with the hero commandeering a ride?"

"No! I think it's junk day. Look over there on the curb."

"A busted up sofa, half a bicycle and a few giant bags of trash."

"No, back there - you passed it. A vanity."

"Good lord! You aren't vain enough about wearing dresses you have to get more from the trash?"

"Not that kind of vanity. The kind with a mirror and makeup lights. For my new apartment."

"Oh goody! Now I'll have to hire an 18-wheeler to get you there instead of a U-haul."

"Dad! I've told you a million times not to exaggerate."

"Far be it from me to point out you still need a lot of help with your figure - or figures. Hey - that thing doesn't look too bad. A little paint and it should be fine. Takes me back to when your Mom and I were starving students and furnishing our place from roadside pickings. We thought we had it made when we could afford to shop at the Salvation Army."

"Did you get saved as well as saving money?"

"Nah - when I tried to sing along with the band they threw me out."

"I guess that shows not all Bible-Thumpers are crazy."

"Hey, you want this thing then show some respect - and grab an end. I'm not moving it all by myself."

"Good thing I'm not dressed up, I need my muscles to move this thing."

"Your muscles atrophy when you wear a dress? Quick! Call the people at the research lab - this is a new phenomenon that deserves exploration."

"You're weird, Dad. I'm speaking culturally, of course."

"I'm weird? You ever heard the one about the pot and the kettle, son-or-daughter-as-the-case-may-be?"

"That old chestnut is too subject to misinterpretation in our current racially charged political scene."

"Quit with the politics and get this thing in the van, already!"

"Thanks, Dad - I appreciate this."

"Just remember – it's yours and you get to do the work to restore it. You only have a couple of weeks until you leave, so don't put it off."

"I can get Martha to help me - she has very good taste in decorating."

"I still don't know how your mother talked her brother into letting you two share an apartment. I was half expecting the old control freak to install a video monitoring system and hire 24 hour security to keep any boys away from her when she was at school. Then he goes and agrees to her sharing the place with someone he sincerely believes is a boy..."

"Hey - If Mom could talk you into marrying her she can do anything."

"You may have a point there. I'll just chalk it up to the vagaries of the universe and let you two work out how to do it."

"Sort of like how you and Mom decided to let me figure out the whole crossdressing thing?"

"Well, I'm sure not qualified to give you any advice on the subject."

"No, I mean like not going ballistic when Martha and I played dress-up. And not laughing too hard at what I look like."

"Now that was probably the hardest part of the whole thing! I hope they offer makeup classes at your school - and that you study real hard."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Think nothing of it."

"Easy for you to say. I spend a lot of time thinking about it."

"I suppose your mother and I do, too."

"Yeah, like why does he do it and is he crazy."

"You can throw in is it our fault? too. And no, we realize that it's nobody's fault. You're just you and that's OK. Hard to fathom, but OK. Actually, you're getting pretty good at looking like a girl. Sorry, woman. I sometimes have a hard time thinking of my children as grown up."

"Sometimes I have a hard time thinking of myself as a grownup. Especially when I'm dressed up - I feel more like a teeny-bopper with the whole makeup and fashion thing."

"Yeah - that's the part I find baffling, son. Why in the world would you want to spend all that time with makeup and hair-styling and... Sure, you look pretty good when you get done, but I can't imagine having to do it every blessed day! Hell, I hate shaving, which is why I let the beard grow. Makeup? Not my cup of tea!"

"I like it, it's kind of fun."

"De gustibus..."

"What the heck?"

"Latin for 'There's no accounting for taste.' "

"Oh."

"Have your considered that having this makeup table in your bedroom it might make Richard a bit curious. You know he's going to have to check things out."

"I keep the door locked?"

"I can't think of a better way to get the man curious. Good thing there's only two bedrooms in your place or they just might get a wild hare and drop in for an overnight visit to see how their little girl is doing."

"Are you trying to give me nightmares? ...And no one could consider Martha little."

"All in a father's job.

"Actually, I'm thinking we set it up in the common area so Martha and I can share it."

"Brings to mind the Chinese ideogram for trouble - two women under one roof."

"Good thing we only have one and a half women, then."

"I suspect you're about to get an education - and I'm not talking about college."

Ralph

"Sometimes parents come in handy."

Martha was sitting on one of the many boxes adorning our new apartment. I'm glad we weren't the ones who had to lug that vanity in."

"Macho has its uses."

"Just not in our apartment."

"I guess I'll have to find Mary somewhere in all these boxes."

"First let me check to see if Daddy planted any bugs."

"Are you serious?"

"Nah - he's a Luddite and I would have spotted anything if his imagination ran that far."

"Still clueless about Mary?"

"Unless you're talking about the one in the bible. This Martha's cousin Mary is off the radar."

"He did give me a turn with that slide show. I guess I still have some guilt feelings to resolve."

"Sounds like a job for retail therapy."

"Not on my budget. I have Macy's taste and a Wal-mart income. Besides, we have to put this stuff away before we bring in any more."

"Spoilsport. Well, find Mary's stuff first. Mom slipped me a few bucks so we can go out to dinner tonight.

"Wow! That was a short-lived promise."

"What promise were you talking about?"

"The one about not letting Mary go public until I was ready to fool people."

"You're as ready as you'll ever be, cuz. It will be nice to have a girlfriend as tall as I am to deflect the attention."

"Just what I need, close inspection of my presentation."

"Hey - they'll have to split their attention with two of us."

"You'll help with my makeup?"

"Sure, if you'll do my zipper."

"You want to go formal?"

"Sure, why not? If you got it, flaunt it."

"But I don't got it."

"Then we'll fake it, at least with your fake boobs, anyway. Too bad we can't split my boobs between us - these babies are a pain sometimes."

"We'd look pretty weird with only one boob apiece."

"You're hopeless."

"You're undoubtedly correct, but that's not getting anything unpacked."

"Clothes first, then essentials like makeup and shoes."

"Mind if I make my bed?"

"Your mother already did that for you. "

"Then I guess I'm out of excuses. Stand back while I unpack."

Mary

"Do you get the feeling we've been dropped into a Star Wars bar scene?" I asked Martha.

The crowd in the pizza joint could have been used to film one of those 'diversity' commercials.

"Not the kind of place you'd find in our lily-white suburb, is it?"

"Kind of interesting, though. It looks like I'm the token blue-eyed blonde here."

"If it helps, you're a minority yourself as a crossdresser."

"And as very tall women we have another box to check off."

"If they have a 'dumb blonde' box you'd better keep your hands off the pencil, cousin."

"Since we're both here on scholarships we can safely be excluded from that minority."

"I kind of like being part of a crowd like this. I bet there would be a lot of interesting stories if we could get to know some of the people here."

"I'm sure we'll be making lots of friends pretty soon."

"Hope they're lots of liberals around so I don't get too much grief about Mary."

"I suppose a Liberal Arts College is a good place to find liberals."

"This isn't how I pictured my first time out as Mary."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know - something elegant and different. Clubbing at some upscale bar, dancing in a ball gown and tiara, Prince Charming getting freaked out when midnight struck and I turned back into a pumpkin."

"Pizza and wings works for me, cuz"

"Well, it is good pizza..."

"Just not so elegant?"

"Yeah."

"Enjoy it while it lasts. In another week this place will be full of horny guys and it'll take them about three and a half minutes to work up the courage to put the moves on the two tall chicks. If they're frat boys they'll assign a point score to each of us and be playing for bragging rights if they get us into bed. I'd get a few extra points with these big boobs, you know."

"So young, yet so cynical. Not all men are..."

"Remember, you're not a man right now. I know you're a nice guy, but a girl has to be practical. You're fucked if you don't think every guy is out to fuck you. And every male of college age has one tiny brain – and it's between his legs. And it thinks about sex. And only sex."

"Run that by me again? Where do I fit in with 'every male of college age', mmm?"

"You know what I mean. Don't tell me it hasn't occurred that since we're sharing an apartment we might have been sharing a bed."

"Ewww!"

"When you're inspired your feminine voice is developing nicely. I agree - but don't tell me the thought hadn't crossed your mind. If you weren't my cousin I'd be thinking 'healthy, young, good looking dude - wonder what he'd be like in the sack?' Present appearance excepted. Are you sure your male brain never thought that?"

"And I'd be thinking 'Uncle Bastard has that big shotgun.' But no, since the dressing-up started before I knew anything about sex, the idea of sex with you, doesn't compute."

"I suppose if he ever found out about Mary he'd be trying to decide if protecting my virginity was worth having me live with a pervert."

"Life is full of hard choices, like 'should we get anchovies on the pizza?' "

"Not hard at all - only a pervert puts anchovies on a pizza."

"And you are expounding this philosophy to a man in a dress?"

"Cousin Mary shouldn't need any further explanation. Anchovies are disgusting."

"And I'm not?"

"Of course not. You're a lot more fun than my real sister - dad's fucked her up pretty bad."

"Tell me again - how did you end up a bleeding heart liberal with a father like Uncle Bastard?"

"I must have landed on a flotation cushion when I jumped into the gene pool. I must be loaded with recessive liberal genes that nobody else in the family expressed."

"You must have gotten more of your mom's genetics - nobody's ever going to think she voted for Bernie Sanders, but she does have class and compassion. How does she put up with your dad?"

"Love, cuz; true love. Damned if I understand it, but it's real. Dad's not so bad when he's not trying to prove he's macho to the world at large. Sometimes I think he learned how to be a man from the WWF and the KKK."

"Unlike me, he wouldn't be caught dead in a white dress."

"Details! He has his good points. He does love us, he can be a pretty good dad when he isn't trying too hard. It just took me a long time to learn how to see his good points and even longer to understand what makes him tick. "

"Like a time-bomb?"

"Well, there are times. I'm glad I don't have to cope with any macho from you, cuz."

"Not likely!"

"I don't think I've ever asked directly, but why do you like to dress up like a woman?"

"How the heck should I know?"

"But you're the one doing it!"

"Why do you want to dress like a woman?"

"Because... Wait a minute! You're getting me confused!"

"And you think I'm not?"

"Let's start over with a simpler question. Why would a man want to wear a bra? I have to or I would be in agony with these damned things hanging off me. There's no earthly reason for you to wear a bra. So what gives?"

"I think you've got it wrong - I actually need to wear a bra because it feels so good. It's pleasant, it's comforting. I dream of having real breasts, not silicone fakes. It bothers me when I have to go for a long time without wearing one and dressing up. I don't understand it, but it's real."

"I'm trying to understand. For me breasts are an enormous bother. Quit grinning when I use the word enormous about my boobs, you not-so-male chauvinist pig! There's nothing funny about having a 'G' cup."

"Attractive, though, from my point of view."

"You try hanging 6.2 pounds of boob on your chest all day and all night and tell me about attractive."

"You weighed them?"

"What? You think I can detach them and put them on a scale? I just might if I could I'd scoop out a couple of pounds before I put them back. I looked it up online and Wikipedia has a chart, although lord knows why anyone would want to know."

"You wanted to know."

"I know we both wear a 40 band size, but you seem satisfied with a 'C' cup, Mary."

"I am, and I guess I'm lucky that silicone doesn't weigh as much as real breasts. My falsies weigh less than two pounds."

"I guess I'm not the only one interested in how much boobs weigh."

"I wish I had two good reasons to find out, cousin."

"Oh, shit!"

"It can't be that bad!"

"No more boob talk, Mary. Look what just walked in."

Suddenly the pizzeria seemed to contract as a veritable horde of frat boys poured through the door.

"Jeez - are they shipping them in by the busload?"

"So it seems. You, my dear cousin, are about to find out what it feels like to be chatted up."

"Maybe we should leave?"

"Too late. It has to happen sometime, so why not now? At least these guys have to be sophomores so we won't have to deal with any of our fellow freshmen fishing around for an ancient pickup line."

"I suppose if I just sit here and don't move there's less to give me away."

"I could stand up and holler 'Hey boys! You looking for a good time?' "

"Martha!"

"Relax, Mary. I'm pulling your chain. You might want to wipe the sauce off your left boob, though."

I wiped, very self-consciously.

"How do you manage to stay clean with all those assets?"

"I have a lot of practice. Speaking of practice - we've been noticed. Want to bet on which one works up the nerve first?"

"Too late - the skinny blonde one is headed our way."

The skinny blonde one swaggered over and pulled out one of the unused chairs at our table and sat down.

"Hi! I'm Steve. You girls new here?"

"Mary, I think we need to go to the admissions office first thing in the morning and see if we can get our tuition back. If the sophs at this place can't tell the difference between girls and women we aren't going to get a very good education here."

His confident smile began to fade a bit. I didn't trust my voice yet, so I just gave him my #6 smile - faint amusement with a dollop of derision. Don't tell anyone, but I had been practicing in my mirror while trying to perfect my feminine demeanor.

"My apologies, ladies. No offence intended. I just found it hard to ignore two such beautiful..." His glance lingered on Martha's two breasts. "...women in this place."

"I'll bet. Speaking of betting, how much is riding on you getting me to tell you my cup size?"

"Ten bucks?" The smile faded further.

"An honest frat boy! Mary, will wonders never cease?"

I tried a #12 - sweet innocence with an overlay of surprise - but kept my silence.

"Tell you what. Spring for an order of cannoli and I'll tell you."

"You will?"

"40G. Bring them over here and join us."

"Lady, you have a deal!"

Steve turned out to be a pretty nice guy when he wasn't trying to be macho. I mostly relied on expression #27a - mystery woman with a soupcon of yearning. I have to admit that I was mostly channeling Keith Laumer's Retief for these numbered expressions, but the last one was my own. I seriously doubt that Jame Retief ever tried to project mystery woman.

I even got the nerve to talk a little bit, and I'll give him credit. He tried to look at our faces, but occasionally he talked to my boobs when he wasn't looking at those 40Gs.

We made it home in one piece, our cell phone numbers still safely a mystery to Steve and his brothers. As I was putting on my nightgown I was pleased at how well my first public outing went.

Mary

The first couple of weeks at school were fun, if a bit confusing. I loved being able to be Mary whenever I wasn't at class, but it didn't take long to be bored with staying indoors all the time. Our one foray out together just wasn't enough.

Then there was the problem of friends. In my innocence I hadn't realized how many freshmen want to be friends with someone who has their own place. I had never lived in a dorm (for which I am profoundly grateful!) so I was amazed at all the people that wanted to visit. That wasn't the only reason. I haven't really emphasized it before, but her height and breasts aren't the only reasons people give Martha a second glance. She is a fine looking woman; if I abandon my role as a cousin and part-time woman I have to admit she's worth looking at.

In other words, my quiet days at home as Mary were very limited. I won't say the wolves were howling at the door, but you know what I mean.

Hiding Mary was getting to be a pain, not to mention a logistical challenge of the first water, so we sat down and decided we could both live with it if the secret was no longer secret. If Martha could take being stared at then so could I.

I hoped.

There was a knock on the door.

It opened.

"Hey Mary, we need a little help out here."

I had been studying in my room while Martha and two of her friends were talking about an English assignment. Well, to be truthful I was mostly hiding in my room, putting off the day when Mary became public.

That day appeared to be here.

"Guys, this is my cousin Mary. She's a computer nerd and ought to be able to help. Shelly's tablet is acting weird."

"Android or I-pad?" I managed to ask.

"Android. We can't get the thing to go on line with your Wi-Fi."

"You know the password?"

"Danica Rome."

"R-o-e-m? No spaces, capital 'D', capital 'R' and a zero in place of the 'o'?

"Shit! I thought it was R-o-m-e."

"That's not the password, either. You know the old saying: Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was she."

"All us statuesque women know that." chimed in Martha.

"Smartass!"

"That's not where I keep my brains."

"Careful, cousin. Statuesque women by definition have rocks in their head - being made of marble."

"Anyone who knows who Danica Roem is can't have rocks in their head, cousin. And supposedly nowhere else on her body any more."

"So who is Danica Roem?" asked Shelly.

I suppose it was my fault because I chose the password. I hadn't thought it would bring up the subject of transgenderism quite so quickly.

"The first transgendered legislator in Virginia, replied Martha. "She beat the pants off the asshole that authored the bathroom bill."

"Cool!"

"Yeah, she scares the bejesus off the good ole Southern Gentlemen of the House of Delegates. Why they've even been dragged kicking and screaming into the twenty-first century and adopted gender neutral language in the place just so they don't have to call her a her."

"So the conservatives are adopting a liberal policy to stay conservative? Asked Pat, who had been silent so far. "I'll never understand politics!"

"Which is why you want to be a teacher, not that politics is completely divorced from that profession."

"All this because I couldn't get online. How did you come up with that for a password, anyway?"

"You might say she's spiritual cousin of ours," I offered. In for a penny...

"One of our cousins is a crossdresser," added Martha.

"Really?"

"Really. She's also a statuesque woman and certainly no rockhead."

"I should hope not. It's bad enough people take me for an airhead because I'm blonde. Now that this thing is working I'm going to look her up."

"You do that - I have to get back to the books myself. See you later."

I beat a hasty retreat and waited for my heart to stop pounding.

Ralph

Lest you think my time at college was devoted exclusively to being Mary, I did attend classes, make friends and do a lot of other stuff. After a few weeks I was starting to get a reputation - or rather several reputations.

The first one wasn't new to me, after all I am 6'5" tall and kinda stand out in a crowd. Most people have stopped asking me why I'm not playing basketball (one of the reasons I was interested in this school was it didn't have a basketball team.) or how the weather is up there. That stuff gets a little old.

The second one was being the guy who shares an apartment with "Girlzilla." That's one of the less nasty references people used, but I tended to make sure anyone using them wouldn't repeat them after I set them straight. While such crap pisses me off, I am really being a good Samaritan. I've mentioned how Martha can defend herself when the situation demands; such assholes will never know the pain I've saved them.

The third reputation is because computers understand me and I understand them. Not to brag, but I have a few shareware programs out there that have earned me a nice little side income. It was this third reputation that had caught up with me now.

"Hey Ralph! I need some help from the computer genius."

"Who you calling a genius, Artur?"

"You, you lousy computer nerd."

"I suppose I resemble that remark."

"You resemble Ichabod Crane, too, but he don't know nothing about recursive programming."

"And what makes you think I know more than a headless geek from the nineteenth century?"

"Because you never look confused when the prof explains something complicated in class."

"That's because I've mastered the art of sleeping with my eyes open."

"I may as well be cuttin' Zs for all the good it does me."

"You need to be in the right frame of mind to understand. Think of a snake eating its tail. It keeps on taking bite after bite until it eats itself into oblivion. That's recursive programming."

"The only place I've ever eaten myself into oblivion is at the Golden Corral."

"They have just about everything else on the menu, so I don't doubt you could find some snake in one of the steam trays."

"You're changing the subject. Recursive programming…"

"I'm not going to be able to explain it before I have to be in class. Why don't you come over on Saturday and we can give it a try?"

"Thanks. I know where you live - you share the place with that sexy bean-pole, don't you?"

"Careful, Artur. She's my cousin and making comments about a woman's body can get you into a lot of trouble these days."

"Message received. I wasn't trying to be a jerk, really."

"I know - it comes so naturally it's kind of hard to turn it off."

"You know me so well. Your cousin seeing anyone?"

"Not that I know of. You interested?"

"Who wouldn't be?"

"You'd be surprised at how many guys she can intimidate with just a glance. A lot of men can't hack being shorter than their date."

"Their loss, my gain. If she likes me, that is."

"She's as crazy as I am, she just might."

"Does that mean you like me?"

"Don't push your luck, Artur."

"You're hard, dude."

Mary

Someone started a rumor that Saturday morning comes once a week. I'm afraid I missed it, so I can't tell you if it's true or not. Look, when you have to get up for an 8:00 AM class you sleep in when you can. I vaguely recall thinking, sometime when enough light penetrated my eyelids to make me grumble about it, that I had the whole weekend as Mary. Not even that happy thought got me out of bed before the crack of noon.

By the time I was dressed and had my makeup done, I heard the noon siren blowing outside my window. That's one of the joys of living in a small town, they still test the fire sirens daily at noon. I guess I should be glad they don't do it at 7:00 AM or something obscene like that.

By the time Martha and I staggered into the kitchen we realized that there was only one egg in the refrigerator and the milk was missing in action. No coffee, no eggs, enough pancake mix for about half a waffle - it looked like we were going out for breakfast and some grocery shopping. At least the weather gods had decided to gift us with a rare warm October day, so all we needed was a light sweater to go out. I had discovered that my parka was a bit too small to accommodate Mary's breasts comfortably and needed to find something larger, not to mention more fashionable. Naturally, I had put off doing something about it until there was a little more money in my purse, much like the reason we had to go grocery shopping instead of lazing around the place on a Saturday.

So we each dug out a reusable bag from the closet and made out way to the bus stop. That's another reason for the empty kitchen, it's a pain to lug groceries home on the bus. Not that we went directly to the local Kroger's, there were lots of distractions on the way.

The first stop was the Jilly Hog, which could be called the archetypal college pig-out palace. The building was shaped like a Conestoga wagon and a much faded sign proclaimed The best footlong hot dogs on the planet. I suppose it was a good thing that our first meal out on arriving was at the pizza place, because the Jilly Hog might have us fleeing in panic before the first class started.

The story goes that someone named Jill started the place back in the 1940s, and they proudly claimed their hot dogs were 100% pork - no fillers or additives. I guess someone had been reading Upton Sinclair's The Jungle and wanted to let people know they wouldn't be poisoned despite the appearance of the place. The Jilly Hog deep fried their hot dogs, and the image of an elderly woman throwing a handful of snake-like footlong hot dogs into a fryer was enough to make anyone think about being a vegetarian.

Actually, despite all the jokes, it is a pretty good place to eat and they serve a mean breakfast. Thus fortified, and with both bosoms checked for telltale stains, we made our way onward, pausing to dream about a manicure outside the nail shop, but we did take advantage of the half price nail polish sale at the Walgreen's so we could do our own later in the afternoon.

Hoping against hope we tried the Goodwill, but, once again, there wasn't a thing in the place that would fit either of us and looked good enough to take home. We had better luck at the fabric store, there was some lovely green print at 70% off, so we took all they had left. When you're a woman as tall as we are you better learn to sew or you're going to be mighty short on nice clothes. Martha had long since learned how to modify a pattern to accommodate her 40Gs, and I had no problem with the pattern as it came, so we were going to be wearing a couple of matching green blouses for Christmas. Not that we could wear them at Martha's place, but there had to be a party or two on campus where we could try them out.

We did finally make it to the Kroger's and waddled on to the bus with several bags of groceries to keep the wolf away from the door for the next week. As we rounded the corner with our purchases I realized I had completely forgotten I had offered to help Artur on Saturday, but there he sat on our front steps.

Artur was in for a shock as I had never told him about my alter ego. I had grown so comfortable as Mary in the past few weeks I hadn't given a thought to what would happen when I met someone who only knew me as Ralph. Mary wasn't much of a secret any more with most of Martha's friends knowing about me, but I didn't think any of the computer nerds I hung out with had gotten the message yet. I hate to feed the stereotype, but most of us computer types, female geeks included, were obsessed with coding or hardware or games - not much attention left for the outside world.

Artur's face brightened when he saw Martha approaching; yeah, he was interested all right. I counted myself lucky he was concentrating on her and not the other tall chick beside her

Martha was pretty quick on the uptake. "Hi, I'm Ralph's cousin Martha. Are you looking for him?"

"Yeah. He was going to help me with some computer stuff."

"He's pretty good at that stuff. I wouldn't be half as good with a keyboard if I hadn't had his help."

"I hope he can help me."

"I'm sure there's someone here who can do the job, but first you should meet my cousin Mary."

"Hi Artur." I held out my hand.

"You know my name?"

Ooops. Ah well, face up to it! "I do, just like you know one of my names. I bet you're confused."

"You'd win that bet."

It took an effort, but I broke character as Mary and used my normal voice.

"Too bad there's no money riding on it. Artur, I hate to shock you but when I'm not wearing a skirt you know me as Ralph."

"Get out!"

I think he was convinced, so I went back to Mary's voice. Artur wasn't the only one getting confused.

"How many six foot plus people do you think run in my family?"

"You mean there's more?"

"Try eight. My mom's the shrimp at 5'11"."

"Ralph?"

Poor Artur, I really didn't mean to do this to him. "Yeah, I'm mostly Ralph, but you can call me Mary. I really didn't mean to shock you."

"Martha and Mary! It figures, do I hear the faint sound of a bible thumping somewhere in the distance?"

"My Uncle Richard - that's Martha's dad - has been known to bring his own rhythm section, but he hasn't a clue about this side of me. I just ignore the whole paranoid Christian gender trip and concentrate on being me."

"Uh, Mary, the two of you are kind of hard to ignore."

"Then don't ignore us and come on inside while we put away the groceries."

"Uh… sure…"

He picked up a bag like a gentleman and held it as I rummaged in my purse for the keys. I could practically hear him thinking 'Ralph is carrying a purse!'

We finally sat Artur down in a chair before he fell over. Martha and I exchanged knowing glances as Artur tried valiantly to keep his eyes off our breasts. I was born a male and, present looks to the contrary, still am a male. I certainly appreciate a woman's breasts, perhaps that's part of the reason I enjoy having imitation breasts and wearing a bra myself. I certainly understood Artur's interest and his confusion, but I couldn't think of anything I could say that would make it better.

"Artur," asked Martha, "would you like to join us for lunch? We got up late and we're a bit off the normal schedule."

"Uh, sure. Thanks."

"You like tuna?"

"No problem, man. Uh, girl? Lady? Crap!"

"Relax, Artur! It's not like we're going out on a date or something."

"Yeah, like I've ever gone on a date."

"Wait a minute!" Martha exclaimed. "You've never gone on a date?" I can't believe it."

"I - uh - get - uh - tongue-tied when - uh I…"

"So it seems. You poor boy."

Martha gave him a hug, not a simple maneuver since he was seated and she towered over him. I thought his eyes were going to explode as her cleavage hung just inches in front of his face. Poor boy, indeed!

"You give him much more sympathy and he's going to need a nurse, not just a date."

"What?" A pause. "Oh!"

"Yeah, oh! cousin. You need to do up a couple of buttons before you hug him again."

"No she doesn't."

"See! You can be decisive, Artur. You have any plans for tonight?"

"Uh, just studying."

"On a Saturday night! That's downright un-American, that is."

"I told you I've never been on a date."

"Then we're going to fix that. You're coming to the concert tonight as my date, right?"

"Uh, right?"

"Give the man a cigar for the right answer."

"I, uh, don't smoke."

"We'll see about that before the evening's over, and I ain't talkin' about tobacco."

"I hate to be the one to get in the way of true love, cuz, but Artur did come over so we could study recursive programming."

"I would have thought your vocabulary was pungent enough not to need to re-curse. I've heard you before and once should do the trick quite easily."

"To misquote Snidely Whiplash: 'Foils! Cursed again!' C'mon Artur - let's eat and then hit the books."

Mary

By this time, I had become practically oblivious to the diversity of the people around me. The ethnic diversity I found at the college made for some interesting conversations, and my fellow computer nerds were even more diverse than the general school population. My parents had raised me to respect all cultures and backgrounds, but this was the first time I had been able to meet people who were not like me (and I'm not talking about the crossdressing!) on a personal level. I had become very much at home among all the differences around me.

Even though I had become very comfortable as Mary in the weeks since starting college, I still was a bit ill at ease in a crowd. Crowds make me think of the horror stories that appear in the papers from time to time where someone trans or gay gets the snot beaten out of them or worse. Small groups or just another person or two seem to be much more easily controlled; a large crowd is subject to the mob mentality and you never know what could happen.

There's nothing to take your mind off the improbable but horrible things that could happen in a crowd like watching a mating dance. If you've ever seen one of those nature programs where the male critter puts on a display for the female critter, and the female critter responds with some choreography of her own then you know what I felt like watching Martha and Artur.

A naturalist would have a hard time working out the details of this particular dance, however. In this case the male was a good foot shorter than the female, and he was the drab one (jeans and a T-shirt) while the female was in full plumage. While Artur and I were exploring the mysteries of recursive routines Martha had spent some time getting ready for her impromptu date.

She had abandoned her usual jeans for a cute little blue chiffon skirt that kind of sparkled when she moved. Since the skirt stopped a good ways above her knees she was showing a considerable amount of leg above her strappy, three inch heeled sandals. Her brightly painted toenails shone out for the world to see. Of course, not too many people were looking at her legs because the plunging neckline of the silver blouse distracted every male eye from what was on display below. If that wasn't enough, a flashing blue jewel hung on a gold chain, swinging freely between her impressive breasts. Nope, Martha was definitely not a shy, retiring type.

OK, I was jealous, I admit it. Not of Artur, but of Martha. How could a woman who hit 6'7" in her heels be so damned graceful and feminine?

I think Artur could be best described as floating on cloud nine. Not to be mean or anything, but if his feet were actually a few inches off the ground the difference in heights wouldn't have been quite so noticeable.

The thought had crossed my mind that in such company nobody was going to pay much attention to me. Likewise, Artur was far too busy being Martha's date to dwell on how his buddy had turned into a girl. I was beginning to understand how Cinderella felt; the ball was spectacular but what would happen the next day when I turned back into a pumpkin?

I could practically see Artur working up the nerve to hold her hand as we milled around before the show started - I'd been there myself. The whole hand-holding bit was complicated by the difference in heights and I had the fleeting thought that if he worked up the nerve to kiss her he was going to need a stepladder. Hey - I'm an inch taller than my cousin and I know the problem from personal experience.

The other part of my fear of crowds was this was the first time Mary had attended a college function. I had intended to change back to Ralph before we went, but I really didn't want to confuse Artur any more than I had done so far. Mary had been out and about a fair bit, but not really on campus, where people who knew Ralph would be hanging out.

The hope that I would remain anonymous proved to be a fleeting phantom. Martha and Ralph were pretty visible on campus, we don't have a basketball team so we were pretty much the tallest people in the place. There certainly weren't any other 6'4" women in evidence to camouflage my presence. Unlike Martha I wasn't comfortable in heels quite yet so I was wearing flats. Not having Martha's legs or cleavage, I had contented myself with a full, ankle length skirt and blouse that revealed none of my artificially enhanced bosom.

Cynic that I am I started the timer function on my phone when we entered the hall. It took all of about forty-seven seconds for the elbow jabbing and the ill-concealed staring to begin; by the two minute mark the stares were open and I was sure that any attempt at concealment would have been futile.

I scanned the room, wondering who would be the first to approach me. It turned out to be Ruth, one of the small but growing group of female computer nerds. She's very cute, short, bouncy, big grin, dark curly hair and burnished brown skin from her Latina heritage. If she wasn't a computer nerd I would have wondered why she was at the concert solo. The stereotype of the lone geek really does have some basis in reality.

We had spent some time together and had been working our way up to buddy status. Like most of us who spend a lot of time with computers she didn't have much of a filter between her thoughts and her mouth, but with her it came off charming and downright cute. That might have been because she was downright cute. Don't think I haven't noticed.

"Ralph?"

The look on her face was priceless. Ostentatiously clicking off the timer on my phone I replied "Occasionally. I'm Mary tonight."

"I knew it had to be you. You look too much like girlzilla over there to be anyone else."

"I'll have you know my cousin is very seldom monstrous, even if she is rather tall."

"You'll have to introduce us. What's the bit with the timer?"

"I had a bet with myself as to how long it would take for someone to ask who I was. I can say with perfect certainty that it took four minutes and twenty-seven seconds."

"Damn girl, you are one crazy fucker!"

"I'll have you know that a cultured woman such as myself does not fuck, we guide our partners to a mutually satisfying erotic experiences." Miss Manners has nothing on me when it comes to snooty!

"Hmmm. Whatcha doing after the show? I could use a guide when exploring some unknown territory, but I need details, girl. Lots of details!"

"You're in luck, we computer types tend to be detail oriented. Want to join us after the show for pizza? We could go over some details while we eat."

Did I really say that? Was I actually flirting with Ruth? Of course I was - it's remarkable how easy it was to do when all day long I had been thinking of myself as a woman and not a clumsy, inexperienced teenage boy. Maybe Artur wasn't the only one who would fall into an accidental date.

"Sounds like a plan. So what's with the getup?"

"You are familiar with the letters L, G, B, T and Q?"

"It's been a long time since I watched Sesame Street, but I've studied the alphabet."

"Tonight I'm being brought to you by the letter 'T'. I can even use the word trans in a sentence if you like. I am a transgendered male who likes to crossdress."

Let it all hang out, as my grandparents would say.

"Let me repeat: You are one crazy fucker."

"Damn! I spent the afternoon talking about recursive functions with Artur, now I'm having a recursive conversation. I can't get away from them."

"I don't get it. You actually like wearing a skirt?"

I realized that Martha and I were the only women in the place wearing skirts, something else that made us stand out.

"And a bra and panties and makeup and the whole rigmarole."

"They didn't mention this stuff in my gender studies class."

"That's because we T-people use the word gender a bit differently than your run-of-the-mill feminist. By the way, I'm a feminist, just not run-of-the-mill. Most feminists mean something like 'the socially-imposed division of the sexes' while we T-people think more along the lines of 'how we feel inside about who we are.' Tonight I feel more like Mary than Ralph."

"I guess it takes all kinds…"

"It certainly does. You're being remarkable calm about this."

"You prefer I should scream and point while jumping up and down?"

"There's a part of me that wouldn't mind at all watching you jump up and down. Fortunately for you I left that part home tonight along with Ralph's clothes."

"Does that mean you're wearing your cousin's clothes?"

"These are all mine. We do trade skirts sometimes, but with her endowment I don't really fit into anything of hers with a bustline."

"That girl has as much boob as you have chutzpah."

"I can't have that much!"

"Says the guy standing here with his boobs sticking out in front of my nose."

Did I mention Ruth's head ends up below my shoulders? She really had little choice about talking to my breasts.

"Jealous Ruth? What would happen if I started talking about your boobs in public?"

"Depends on what you had to say about them."

"After having heard some of the asinine comments people make to Martha I wouldn't venture anything whatsoever. The first night here some idiot actually came over and wanted to know her cup size."

"Now that doesn't surprise me. When the frats start rushing I sometimes think I should print up cards with a phony set of measurements to satisfy the poor slobs who have to ask in order to get into a fraternity."

"It was a frat boy, but he turned out to be a decent guy after he stopped trying to be a macho jerk. I can't wait until someone asks me. I can just say 'with or without my falsies?' and watch them get flustered. I pity the poor slobs who ask Martha if she's in a really pissy mood."

I told her the story of Sammy Carlson and the results of his cow impersonation and she was a properly appreciative audience.

We couldn't talk much more as the show was getting ready to start, but I invited Ruth to sit with us and we all had a fine time listening to some great music. You know the band is really kicking if it makes you completely forget you're a guy wearing women's clothes out in public.

Mary

Do you realize how completely strange it is to go out on a date with a girl, however unexpected, when you're crossdressed? Not that I've had a great deal of experience with dating, but all of it was as Ralph. Don't feel sorry for me - as a certified geek I was perfectly happy to stay home and talk to my computer. It wasn't that I was scared of girls, (well, maybe a little…) after all I was doing my best to look and feel like a girl.

I was pretty sure that the girls in my school wouldn't be interested in a computer nerd or a guy in a dress. Not much incentive, is there? Add to that I really don't get what this dancing stuff is all about and dancing is just about 100% of what you do on a date unless you're in the dark in some movie theater and you'll see my problem.

OK, I can make excuses all day, but I really hadn't gone out with many girls. Since going to college I had been hanging out with a lot of females, mostly Martha's friends, but I was one of the girls. Dating was a popular topic for discussion, but no one in our circle was interested in dating me - even the ones who knew Mary had an alter ego.

Now the situation was reversed. We were back at the same pizza joint Martha and I had gone to on our first night, but Martha was the token teacher among three computer nerds.

I had noticed something when Mom got together with her social worker colleagues - inevitably the talk turned to their work interests. On those occasions, Dad and I and anyone else in the family quickly found something else to do - if you weren't a social worker then you just weren't interested in all those details of this case or that situation. I was determined not to let Martha's eyes glaze over while we talked shop.

That's not as easy as it sounds. Of course Artur was distracted because Martha had read his nervous hesitation correctly and took charge, draping her much longer arm over Artur's shoulders. Artur's eyes were a bit glassy, but it had nothing to do with being bored by the conversation.

Me? I had an urge to follow Martha's lead and cuddle up to Ruth - she certainly seemed receptive - but that might call a little too much attention to us. Cuddling lesbians might be more common these days, but the thought of one of those lesbians being outed as a crossdressing male could be real trouble. Artur wasn't the only one with a case of the nervous doubts!

That little problem was solved when I put down the menu and felt Ruth's hand clasp mine, safely out of sight under the table. Gender stereotypes, be they Trans or Feminist, were being firmly plowed under that evening.

We didn't have too much trouble finding things to talk about. Living in the dorms provided plenty of stories, from Ruth's snoring roommate to the guys body surfing down the long, straight hall in Artur's dorm, leaving slippery puddles for the unwary. As we were politely fighting over the final piece of pizza, Ruth began a diatribe on the bitches who would dump her laundry on the floor if she wasn't back fast enough to put it in the dryer properly. That set Artur off about the knucklehead who dyed something bright blue, resulting in his whites being a sickly blue-gray until he was able to bleach them. Martha and I held one of those silent, eyes only conversations and we invited them to come over to our place when they needed to do laundry. Pretty good excuse to spend time with someone you want to get to know better.

By mutual consent we split off into couples to return our dates to their dorms, a little privacy being appreciated by all. Martha was waiting back at the apartment.

"Well, did you?" she asked. "You weren't gone long enough to get her in bed, so did you at least kiss her, cousin?"

"Damn straight!"

"Are we going to have to start calling you 'Hot Lips' after tonight?"

"Damn straight!"

"You'll notice I didn't have to ask if you kissed him - I already knew that answer."

"Huh, messed lipstick is such a giveaway! Damn straight!"

"So, is he any good?"

"Damn straight! Ruth?"

"My toes are still curled. They won't be damn straight for a couple of hours."

"And was some other part of your body damn straight?"

"I'm wearing a gaff. Girls aren't the only ones who need to use protection."

"You think Artur can handle going out with girlzilla?"

"You've heard that one, have you?"

"Ever since I hit 5'8" in sixth grade."

"Higher education seems to have some cracks in it."

"When you're wearing this blouse you need to be careful about using the word crack."

"Too big an opening, eh?"

"The speculation seems to center more on how tight the opening is."

"It needs some in-depth research."

"Have you noticed that we both seem to have sex on our minds, cousin?"

"Ever since Ruth and I found a quiet spot to, ahem, exchange favors. I take it you and Artur feel the same?"

"It has definite possibilities. He's sweet."

"I never even considered the possibility that a girl would want to go out with me as Mary. I'm trying to get used to the idea."

"I bet Ruth is, too. When's she coming over?"

"Saturday afternoon."

"So's Artur. Just one big happy family. We going to cook something special to encourage them to stay for dinner?"

"Damn straight!"

Ralph

There's a mistake that most novice programmers make sooner or later called an endless loop. A program is just a bunch of decisions you have the machine make - if condition A happens go to routine B to handle it, if condition C happens go to routine D. Now imagine your program consists of several hundred decisions that go to several hundred routines and each routine can send you to one of several hundred other routines and so on and so on… It's not too hard to make a mistake that has routine W calling routine X which in turn calls routine Y which calls routine Z which calls routine W and the loop never ends.

That's an endless loop - you accomplish nothing but you do it really fast! My profs tell me that before modern computers and smarter operating systems, sometimes there was no way to stop this nonsense short of pulling the plug out of the wall.

The whole thing reminds me of how gossip works.

When I made the decision to go to that concert on campus as Mary I started a loop of gossip that seemed endless. Us geeks have a reputation of not being able to notice anything that doesn't occur on a monitor screen, but that's utter bullshit. They sure as hell noticed Ralph in a dress.

With tits.

Oh yes, the tits made a big impression.

I'll give you an excerpt from a typical conversation with a male student:
 

"Hey Ralph!"

"Yeah Charlie?"

"Did you really go to that show in a dress?"

"I really went to that show in a dress, Charlie."

"You gay or something?"

"Nope."

"What's with the tits? Did you really wear a bra?"

"I had to have something to hold my tits, Charlie."

"Damn! You're nuts?"

"Nope."
 

Not exactly a conversation on the highest of intellectual planes. Then there was the typical conversation with a female student, and yes there are quite a few women in the computer program these days.
 

"Hey Ralph!"

"Hi Sandy."

"What's this rumor I hear about you wearing a dress to the concert."

"It's true, I did."

"Really? What kind?"

"Actually it was an ankle length pleated velvet skirt with a chiffon overlay and a ruffled white blouse with a high neckline and gathered sleeves."

"Hot date, eh?"

"Nah, I just like dressing like that sometimes."

"You're weird."

"Got that right."

"Well, as long as I don't have to compete…"
 

Like I said, that was pretty typical, but there were the outliers that ran anywhere from scurrilous profanity to invitations to do things I had no interest in but certainly displayed a wealth of creativity.

It calmed down by the end of the week, but there are still a few people who go out of their way to avoid me these days. Not a great loss, but still it can hurt.

Ralph

When I went off to college, I figured that my studies and learning to be Mary would take up all of my time. You have to realize that being a computer geek and a wanna-be woman are two distinctly different outlooks on life.

The computer geek speaks a dozen obscure computer languages, understands hardware, networking, operating systems and all the customer's needs. He is goal oriented, single minded and focused. If you are subject to distractions it's damned hard to keep all the threads of a programming task in your mind simultaneously and weave them all together to make something that works.

For most crossdressers, the ideal woman is intuitive, fashionable, sexy, motherly, independent, loyal, supportive, a great cook, accepting and funny.

So OK, when you write it down it sounds like the load of crap that it is. The odd thing is, Ruth managed to be all of those things on both lists. Furthermore, she liked Mary just as much as Ralph.

Oh yeah, she's a damn fine kisser.

This left me with a dilemma. She was perfectly willing to come over and study together, after all a private apartment is a lot more conducive to concentration than a dorm room. The problem was, when she was around the Ralph side of my brain was very aware of her as a woman and was a bit grumpy at this Mary person who was getting in the way.

On the other hand, Mary was able to tune out this cave-man grunting deep in my brain and relate to her as a fellow student and not a possible bedmate.

Mostly.

Me - the confused personality somewhere in the middle - was having a hard time deciding who I wanted to be, but I knew I wanted to be with Ruth while I was thinking about it.

Then there was Artur. It was pretty clear that he had fallen for Martha as hard as I had fallen for Ruth; they both became fixtures around our place. Artur shuttled between the geek discussions and the educational palavers with surprising ease. He still gave me the odd look or two when I was Mary, but he seemed to be a male version of Ruth who could bridge both worlds.

It didn't take long before we were known as the four musketeers. I suppose that was inevitable, we spent a lot of time together. It didn't take long for some snide comments about the five musketeers, as it was a tossup as to whether Ralph or Mary was part of the group. Every so often some lout would have a little too much alcohol or a little too much religion and make a nasty comment, but I had remarkably little blowback by being honest about my crossdressing.

Most people seemed to take the liberal part of Anonymous State being a liberal arts college to heart. (And no, I'm not going to tell you which school I went to.) Granted, there were a few people who pointedly avoided me and even a few who sought me out to ask just what the heck I thought I was doing. Outside of the campus the town was big enough that I blended in as well as anyone my height can.

I've heard that the true test of a relationship is being able to cook together in the same kitchen - Ruth and I passed the test quite handily. Oddly, Martha was teaching Arthur to sew and he was starting to get pretty good at it. In only a few weeks we had become a very tight little group.

How tight? One evening when we had grown tired of hitting the books we decided to take the night off and go out. Naturally, Mary and Martha had to change into something suitable for a night on the town, but what was Ruth going to do? Her clothes were back in her dorm room and there is no way anything either of us owned that would fit her. Since Artur, who was more her size, wasn't a crossdresser he wasn't any help either.

"Martha? You want to get me that carrier I left with you?"

"Sure, just a minute."

"Carrier?" I asked."

"A girl never can tell when she needs to get dolled up, so I left a few things with Martha."

"I don't know if I would characterize that as sneaky or farsighted."

"Practical, my darling. I'm thinking of moving some more of my wardrobe over, I spend so much time here."

"My poor bulging closet! Two women and a man sharing one closet? Can't be done."

"Then kick Ralph out and have done with it."

"Ralph is the one registered at the college. If he goes I have to follow."

"There are ways to handle that."

"Do they involve surgery?"

"Let's not carry things too far, sweetie. I have an interest in your body."

"Funny, I've been interested in your body since we've met."

"Tell me something I don't know. Thanks, Martha - Mary and I have to change. She's interested in my body so there's no time like the present."

"Nooooo!" cried Artur. "It takes you long enough to get ready without you two getting naked together."

"Tell you what, Artur," commented Martha, "let's just get naked together and we won't have to go out at all."

"No way!" cried Ruth. "I went to all the trouble to bring this outfit over and I want to tease Mary for at least a few hours before she gets to remove it."

There's a program that it seems everybody is watching called Stranger Things. I haven't really seen it because I've been too busy, but it's called that because strange things do happen. Maybe I should have found time to watch it, I might be more prepared when things like Ruth wanting to get naked with me happen.

Well, that's not quite accurate. I certainly had figured out what was going on - Martha and Ruth had decided that Artur and I were taking too much time to kick the relationship up to the next level. I'd been thinking a lot about it for some time, but couldn't quite get the nerve to actually try to get Ruth into bed. Too forward and crass for Mary and too nerve-wracking for Ralph.

Too bad for me and Artur. I was practically dragged into the bedroom where Ruth simply took off her T-shirt and skinned out of her jeans before I could utter a word."

"Like what you see?" she asked.

"You're wearing the same bra that I am!"

"My spy in the house sent out some smoke signals this morning so I could wear the right one."

"Don't tell me you have more bras that match mine."

"OK, I won't, but you have wonderful taste in lingerie. Your turn, let me see."

I had dreamed of this moment, but do you realize how hard it is for a crossdresser to take off his/her clothes and reveal his/her falsies? Especially to a woman that turns him/her on?

I did it, though, and for a few moments we regretted that we were going out and not staying in. Eventually I helped her with the zipper on her little black dress, which looked just fine on her little brown body. Me? There's nothing little about either my dresses or my body, so an LBD was out of the question. With the cooler November weather I chose a royal blue velvet skirt that owed a lot to the Navajo culture and an embroidered blouse with poofy sleeves. Ruth laughingly repaid my aid with her zipper by tightening my waist cincher so I could have a little bit of curve under the skirt. We girls have to suffer for fashion; who needs to breathe when you look this good?

It took a while before we were both satisfied with our hair. Ruth played around until she managed to get mine in a flattering updo that still managed to soften my face. Sometimes she's jealous of my long hair but she still prefers the ease of her pixie cut. It sure works for her, and I think the whole pixie image makes her look spectacular.

A good writer will find a way to heighten the suspense when writing a story like this. I won't think too much about how good a writer I am, but you could pretty much use the same phrase to describe the time we spent at the party. It doesn't take much of an excuse to have a party when you're in school; the ostensible reason for this one was to mingle one more time before the Thanksgiving break, but any excuse would do.

One thing was different this time. Well, two if you counted our expectations of wild sex after the party. Ruth had been teaching me to dance. Even with her in heels and me in flats the difference in our heights made this an amusing exercise to watch, but I enjoyed any excuse to get my hands on her body. She led when dancing with Mary and gave me pointers on how to lead when she was dancing with Ralph. Don't bother to check You-tube for a spectacular video of our moves, but at least I wasn't stepping on her feet too much any more. I still don't get the whole dance thing, but it makes Ruth happy and that's a good enough reason for me.

That's how I found myself dancing with a complete stranger that evening. The DJ had programmed a series of slow numbers after an upbeat set that rivaled any workout to be found in the health center, so Ruth dragged me out on the floor to dance. I quickly learned that someone as attractive as Ruth is the focus of a quaint practice called cutting in. Since the cutter was male, that left me with his female partner. She looked vastly amused at the way she had been abandoned to my tender mercies and I found that Mary had learned how to handle the lead along with Ralph. It was awkward, but she was a good dancer and we managed.

As we shuffled around the dance floor my new partner got a mischievous grin and did a little cutting in herself, waltzing away with Ruth and leaving me to dance with her man. He wasn't a small guy, but I still had a good four inches on him. To my surprise his hands were just as soft as Ruth's but his body felt immense under my hands. A pixie he wasn't! Being firmly in Mary mode I danced for the first time with a man. He must have realized I was a novice, so he didn't try any of the fancy moves he and his partner pulled off, but he certainly knew how to lead. I relaxed and began to enjoy the experience.

Dancing in that full velvet skirt was a joy, it swirled and swayed around my legs as I waltzed. My breasts swayed in my bra and I was completely alive and free as Mary like never before. Dancing as a woman beat the snot out of dancing as a man - who would have guessed?

It even took my mind off what was going to happen after the party.

Ralph

So what did happen after the party? Let's put it this way: there were four virgins who were determined to lose that condition. I won't speak for Martha and Artur, but Ruth and I were clumsy and scared and eager and loving and ready to explore this new part of our relationship. Much like my first attempts at crossdressing, I had a lot expectations but absolutely no practical experience. We both knew the basics - I get hard, she gets wet, we insert tab A in Slot B and repeat until something happens.

Yeah, you try and align tab A with slot B when you are more than a foot taller than your partner. We should have studied the Kama Sutra beforehand to find a position that worked. By the time we figured out we needed her slot B atop my Tab A my tab had flabbed. That wasn't a problem for too long, but the repeat until something happens part didn't last much longer than a few seconds. Congratulations! You're both no longer virgins but still horny as hell.

We were young and determined, so we kept at it until I found the right spot and Ruth was no longer frustrated. Then she found the right spot and my tab was no longer a flab so we did it again. Like anything, sex improves with practice. Good thing we were both goal oriented computer types - we got a lot of practice that night.

To be continued...

Once again, thanks are due to Alys for her proofreading and suggestions. The story is much better for her input.

Ralph

As wonderful as spending the night with Ruth had been, I was certainly confused the next day. Not about Ruth! Certainly not about Ruth; what we were developing was something special. No, it was the whole sex thing.

Sex thing. Sounds kind of stupid to say Sex Thing, but what else am I supposed to call it? I had gotten the basic birds-and-bees lecture when I started puberty and my parents were unusually open about the whole thing. Problem was, it seemed kind of irrelevant to my twelve-year-old self; I was still trying to figure out how self-gratification worked. The tales in the locker room seemed a bit unrealistic and but no matter how open they were I wasn't going to ask my parents about that! It's a guy thing, I suppose all guys go through something like that. The next problem was I wasn't sure I was a regular guy.

By the time the sex lecture was needed, Martha and I had been sharing her clothes and playing sisters for just about as long as we could both remember. Bras, panties, stockings, heels, sweeping skirts aside when you sat, using your hands to talk, taking smaller steps; all that stuff was second nature to me by then.

Playing dress-up was cute when we were little kids, mildly funny as we got older, but by the time puberty hit we both knew that it wasn't something that a regular guy did. Uncle Richard made that very clear, so we just moved our playtime to my house and my liberal and tolerant parents let us set our own rules.

For a little while we stopped, sensing that this wasn't going to go over so well with our friends, but it wasn't long before I was swiping Mom's bras from the laundry and raiding her drawers. I liked being a girl just as much as I liked being a guy, but I didn't see all that much difference besides the clothes.

When I matured enough to make sex relevant to my young life I got confused again. I was bombarded with conflicting messages: traditional sex ed at school, rigid sex avoidance from Uncle Bastard, blatant sexualization of kids on the TV, liberal sexual tolerance from my parents, feminine and masculine desires from my body, sisterly love from my cousin - what a mess!

Dad was pretty open about treating girls with respect. No meant No no matter what you wanted. If you started a baby you had a lifelong commitment and no amount of whining was going to change that. Finally, the first rule of lovemaking was to think of your partner's needs before you satisfied your own. Dad had some pretty good advice, at least Ruth agrees heartily with it.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea about my split personality. This is a story about my crossdressing, so naturally I'm going to talk a lot more about my life as Mary, but I really did have a life as Ralph. In fact, as I became more confident as Mary I also felt more comfortable as Ralph. Not a split personality, but two sides of one harmonious whole. I didn't hate my boy bits or whatever euphemism you want to use for my penis; actually I thoroughly enjoyed my genitals and put them to their intended use quite happily. SRS? No interest at all, thank you.

What confused me was how I could thoroughly enjoy lovemaking with Ruth and then hop out of bed to enjoy putting a bra and panties and start thinking like Mary after grunting like a lust-crazed bull.

Dad was vastly amused when Mary called home to talk to her mother about sex. (My folks talk to each other about everything - you don't have a private talk with either one without explicitly asking.) If I thought about it, I had to wonder why Mary could comfortably talk about things that Ralph couldn't. I poured out my thoughts in a jumble, the nice coherent things I'm writing today took a long time to gain any logical order. Mom wisely listened and let me ramble on.

Having a social worker for a mother can be a good thing when you're confused. She asked some questions that let me find my own answers, offered some good advice that boiled down to : 1) Remember the difference between sex and gender. 2) Talk to Ruth. 3) Talk to the school counseling service.

Then she went to the heart of the matter and asked about the sex part of sex with Ruth. We even talked positions! With my mother! Well, she's had twenty odd years of finding out what a woman likes in lovemaking and we've had a couple of weeks. I got a little confused as Ralph tried to figure out how to use Mom's advice to Mary about what Ruth might like.

Guess what? There weren't any easy answers. There still aren't, but the questions seem to be improving.

Ralph

You know what can be really hard? Spending so much time to perfect my feminine personality and then having to kick Mary out of my head and have Ralph replace her for an entire vacation. The theater types call it breaking character and spend years learning how to avoid it so when something goes horribly wrong on stage the show doesn't come to an abrupt halt. The way it worked out, I spent just about every minute that I wasn't in class as Mary. Damn it, I like being Mary. It sounds stupid, but I felt much more relaxed and creative doing programming when I was wearing a bra. OK, it doesn't make sense, but that's how it is.

The end of November rolled around and it was time to go home for a week to celebrate Thanksgiving. Martha and I decided to save our parents a trip and travel home by bus. Knowing that Mary would be packed away for some time, I decided to travel home as Mary - after all my folks knew about her - and then spend the rest of the week as plain, old Ralph.

Why, you might ask, did we turn down the offer of a ride home in comfort for the longer and more arduous bus ride? Simple - Uncle Richard was the one who made the offer. Neither of us looked forward to spending hours alone with my uncle and having to make conversation. It was a given that the naturally liberal attitudes Martha had adopted at college wouldn't go over all that well with him.

This time we ran contrary to the stereotype of a bus ride. No drunks, no seedy old men to bother a young lady, not even a passionate Believer thirsting to save us from sin and perdition. The driver even stopped at the rest area halfway home so we didn't have to try to relieve ourselves on the mechanical equivalent of a bucking bronco in the crappy little toilet in the bus.

I don't know where he got it, but my smartass brother Dave was standing there in a chauffeur's hat and vest holding up a sign with our names on it.

How did the little beggar know I would be traveling as Mary? No sense asking the smartass, the answer would only give him opportunity to rub it in.

"Hey, sis! You're lookin' good. You too, Martha.

"Take a good look, little brother. I don't suppose I'll get a chance to be Mary with all the family activities over the week."

"I don't suppose you will unless you want to attend a few funerals for the older relatives. How does it feel to be a big sister instead of a big nerd?"

"It feels damn good, oh ye of the deprived viewpoint of the hopeless male. You ought to try it some time."

"Can I sneak into your bedroom and swipe your clothes like you did with Mom?"

"Only if you want to make it permanent when I remove your useless balls."

"Can I help?" asked Martha.

"It would take the both of you to even try. Relax, sis - I have no interest modifying my dress or my sex. I'll leave that to you as you are obviously so good at it. If you were only a foot shorter no one would think twice about what's under your clothes."

"Was that a compliment, Martha?" I asked.

"I think it was. The boy must have matured while we were gone," she answered.

"So it seems. Fortunately, it is a chauffeur's accepted duty to transport the luggage. We'll be waiting in the back seat while you perform your service, Jeeves."

"Isn't he supposed to open the door for a lady?"

"If there were any ladies around I might, but all I see is some lousy relatives who have smart mouths."

"I retract the remarks about maturity. He's still my smartass little brother despite the clothes."

"And you're still my smartass big brother despite the clothes. Don't push it, sis."

Ralph

Martha and I cut out early, but Ruth had a project to finish before she left. She was supposed to be on the bus the day after we arrived, but so far I hadn't found her in the bus station. The good news was that was definitely her suitcase under the bus, but the bad news was she wasn't there to pick it up. I don't suppose buses are prone to routing suitcases to the wrong city just like the airlines do, but I was beginning to wonder.

You didn't think I was going to be allowed to come home without her, did you? Fortunately for me, her parents lived halfway across the country, so flying back for Thanksgiving and then doing the whole thing again a month later for Christmas was not going to happen. What a shame she couldn't go home. See the crocodile tears?

After only a couple of weeks of sharing a bed with Ruth my bed had felt awful cold and lonely last night. We had sort of moved in together after we had surrendered our virginity to each other. Ruth's snoring roommate was happy to have the place to herself if you don't count some residual closet space and a couple of drawers that Ruth needed until we could get some more bedroom furniture. Ruth was happy because she had a much more compatible roommate and I was happy because I had Ruth. We had every intention of making the arrangement permanent when the next semester started.

But just where had she gone? At last I saw some movement through the darkened glass of the coach and a much disheveled Ruth climbed down the stairs with a ferocious frown on her face. Not exactly the greeting I had been expecting. Spying me she growled "The next time I drink a Big Gulp before getting on one of these mechanical monstrosities just check me into the nearest loony bin! I've been pissing my way for two solid hours in that undersize broom closet they laughingly refer to as a toilet, hoping that my ass didn't turn yellow every time that misbegotten, unsprung, square-wheeled piece of crap hit a bump! I wore this damn skirt just for you and now it stinks of piss and so do I!"

"And I love you too, darling," I replied.

"Fuck off!"

"That has been on my mind, you know."

"Touch me and I'll start your SRS without anesthetic and with a dull, rusty scalpel!"

"Suddenly I'm glad my parents didn't come with us to pick you up."

"You picked a feisty one, eh Ralph?" My sister Terri had been standing a ways back out of the path of destruction that preceded my love. Smart girl.

"Ruth, may I present my sister Terri, youngest of our clan, whose tender ears have just been burnt to a crisp?"

"Screw you, big brother. I'd rather have a catheter than use one of those bus shitters. I'm with you, Ruth."

"At least someone in your family knows what they're talking about. Show some sympathy, you macho jerk!"

"Let me go borrow a garbage bag from one of the janitors so we don't mess up the car seat."

"So now I'm garbage?"

"Keep pissing and moaning and I'll put the bag over your head instead of under your ass."

"Go ahead and try, buster." She couldn't keep up the bad mood and finally started to grin. "Damn. I've missed you!"

"Me too. Good thing we don't have to share a bathroom with my brother and sister. We got the guest bedroom."

"And your folks are cool with us sharing?"

"Yeah. A little shell shocked, but they're cool."

"Must be nice. It sure wouldn't happen with mine. When you meet them you'll have to come as Mary. What they don't know won't hurt us."

"You like to live dangerously, don't you?"

"We're living together, aren't we?"

Yeah, I like to live dangerously.

Janet (Ralph's mom)

"Thank you so much for helping with dinner, Ruth."

"I love helping to cook. When I'm home I don't get much chance to cook, Mom."

I paused a minute to reflect on how I had become 'Mom' to this girl in about a day and a half. It was no wonder that Ralph was so infatuated with her - anyone would be.

"Is there a four quart casserole around here somewhere?" asked Ruth

"Top shelf in the pantry, on the right."

"You wouldn't happen to have a step-stool around here?" came Ruth's voice from the pantry.

"Hold on, I'll get it for you." I wiped her damp hands and went back to the pantry. "Living in a house full of giants there's not much need for step-stools."

"Which makes me the token dwarf, eh?"

"If I started singing Five foot two, eyes of blue would it offend you?"

"Not at all, my uncle loved to sing it to me but my eyes aren't blue."

"Who cares? Five foot two is the perfect height for you. Don't ever be ashamed of it."

"No shame in it, but it would be nice to be able to reach the top shelf. I've offered to swap a few inches with Mary but she declined. Something about transplant technology not being that advanced."

"I suppose so." I paused. "Do you mind if I ask a personal question?"

"Depends on the question, but go ahead."

"I still don't quite understand the whole 'Mary' thing. I still have to put on my social worker hat to cope with it and not let my 'Mom' hat fall down over my face about her. Do you really like Mary?"

"You get right to the point, don't you?"

"From what I've seen I'm not the only one in the room who does."

"Got me in one. Yes I really liked Mary from the moment I met her. We're both outsiders. You wouldn't believe the crap I take being a woman in a high-tech field or the crap I take for being short and I saw the crap Ralph took just because he's so tall. People make such dumb remarks to the both of us. I was trying to figure out how to approach him just because I liked him, but the whole Dumb and Dumber thing had me scared.

"Would it surprise you to know that Ralph had a hard time dating because he was so self-conscious about hulking over just about every girl in school?"

"He did? When you're so short it seems that the tall people have it made."

"And I never was too happy with being so tall. The grass is always greener, isn't it?"

"And then you find out it's AstroTurf that some dog peed on."

"So young and yet so cynical! How do you do it?"

"Natural talent and growing up with some pretty conservative parents. It was that or go bonkers. I really like seeing how your family works."

"Pretty crazy, don't you think?"

"Sure, but a nice kind of crazy never having to worry that you'll trespass over some unwritten rule or edict that that's the way things have to be!"

"Don't think we weren't tempted when Ralph started to take being Martha's female cousin so seriously. It can be pretty hard to live up to your non-sexist ideals sometimes."

"They keep saying that in my Philosophy class."

"So there wasn't any moral objection to dating a boy who likes to wear dresses?"

"Actually, when I met Mary and Martha I just about flipped out because there wasn't any way Mary could be anyone but Ralph in drag. I was pretty sick of macho jerks that hit on me and the idea of a man I already liked who didn't hide his feminine side sounded pretty good."

"You knew?"

"Sure! A woman that tall that looks like Ralph and is with the one everybody calls girlzilla. It doesn't exactly qualify as a secret identity."

"Girlzilla?" I grinned. "I haven't heard that one yet."

"Martha had the bad luck to be there when they had the Japanese Monster Film Series at the Union. I was kind of pissed off on her behalf because I've had some crappy nicknames because I'm short, but I really didn't know her since we're in completely different programs."

"She was born to be a teacher, just like her mother."

"I've figured that out since I moved in. Oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that."

"Don't worry, Mary told me all about it."

"Well, we were talking about some personal stuff. And yes, I like Mary a lot. Not that there's a huge difference between Mary and Ralph - Mary's just a softer version, easier to talk to about some things."

"I think you're right. There are things I've discussed with Mary that I would never have done with Ralph, like sex."

"Uh, yeah?"

"Relax, Ruth. I know you're living together; it's pretty much a given that you're having sex - or rather making love since there's certainly a commitment between you two and not just a quick roll in the hay."

"I never understood that euphemism - being naked on hay is just about as bad as being naked on sand. Scratched and punctured or gritty and itchy - I prefer a bed, or at least the back seat of a car."

"A bed is best, but Harry and I had some good times in the back seat. Of course, cars were a lot bigger back then. I can't even drive a Toyota comfortably, let alone screw in one."

"I never had that problem, but I never tried to do anything but drive one."

"Believe me, there are more reasons than transporting kids that suburban moms prefer mini-vans."

"No!"

"Hey, just because we're older doesn't mean we've abandoned some excitement in lovemaking. You'll find out someday. If it comes to that, give us a call and we'll babysit the grandchildren for you."

"Damn! We aren't even engaged and you're already hinting about grandchildren. We are both making very sure that I don't get pregnant."

"I wouldn't have expected anything less from Ralph, and he certainly wouldn't choose a live with a girl that wasn't responsible."

"Jeez - if my mother knew I was living with Ralph she'd have kittens. How can you be so cool about it?"

"Because we raised our children to make their own choices and trust them to do so wisely."

"You wouldn't want to adopt me, would you?"

"It's simpler to just marry Ralph or marry Mary or whatever. Less paperwork - same result."

"I think we need to know each other a little better before we think about marriage."

"See - I told you Ralph wouldn't choose an irresponsible woman."

"Anyway, my parents don't know about Mary, I just told her that I liked Ralph a lot - and I haven't let her know about our living arrangements. You're the liberal parents, not mine!"

"Even a mother can see that you two have something special going. Let it grow naturally and don't force it. First love for you?"

"I think so, but it has only been a few weeks. I thought I was serious with a guy in high school, but he couldn't take a girl that got straight A's and knew more about computers than he did."

"Well that won't be a problem with Ralph."

"Yeah. We've had an idea for a new shareware program that we're working on together in our spare time. We seem to work together pretty well."

"I never could understand the technical parts of computers, but he's made some pretty good money doing computer work. Enough that we've never had to buy any of Mary's wardrobe. I know how much Anna - that's Ralph's aunt - spends on her clothes because she's so tall, so he must have some talent there."

"Pretty handy with a sewing machine, too, Mary's made some really gorgeous stuff. Artur and I are getting some lessons in sewing from Martha and her cousin. Damn, it gets difficult to know what name to use sometimes."

"We know the problem, especially since Mary seems to have come into her own since leaving home. At least I'll have a few years before I have another grown daughter to worry about."

"From what I've seen of Terri you might not have that long to wait."

"She's only twelve yet - not even a teenager."

"That sure didn't stop me."

"Your poor mother."

"She's already hinting that I have to bring Ralph home with me."

"Looks like you're not the only fast worker in your family."

"Mother knows her own mind and often thinks she knows everybody else's, too. I love her, but she and Dad can be overwhelming sometimes. I could get used to being the child of laid-back parents like you and Harry."

"Why, what a lovely thing to say!"

"Yeah, I figure if I butter you guys up enough you'll let me keep both Ralph and Mary."

"That's up to Ralph - or Mary - but you have my vote."

"I plan to rig the election."

Ruth

"We humbly give thanks, oh God, for the bounty you have provided for us at this table…"

Ralph's folks had pushed back the living room furniture, brought in a couple of tables and snagged just about every chair they owned to set a Thanksgiving feast for thirteen people. It seemed like an enormous crowd to me; the most my family had growing up was five if Mom's sister and her husband came. I'm an only child and Aunt Gabriela and Uncle Jorge don't have children. But I'm interrupting Uncle Richard.

"Bless these fruits of the earth and consign them to the health of our bodies and spirits…"

My folks may be conservative, but at least they preferred saying a Grace short enough that the food didn't get cold. Apparently Uncle Richard had other ideas.

"And grant that we should be the stewards of the earth and shepherds of your flock…

C'mon, no lamb chops on this table, only a great, big, rapidly cooling turkey.

"In Jesus name we pray. Amen."

There was a marginally enthusiastic 'Amen' in response and everyone dug in. You know what the conversation was like - praises for the cooks, mumbled comments around a mouthful of turkey or sweet potato, requests to pass the potatoes in two directions at once - the usual sort of thing. The sort of thing I was used to, but on steroids.

What I wasn't used to was Ralph playing footsie with me under the table. Damned if he wasn't wearing a pair of Mary's dark tights instead of socks. When I had filled my plate I whispered my opinion of his footwear and he just gave me a shit-eating grin. I was going to have to give the big lug a hug after dinner - I would have bet the farm (if I had one, that is) he had a bra under that heavy flannel shirt.

We were sitting across the table from Ralph's grandparents, who certainly looked like the unrepentant hippies that Ralph had described. Grandpa Ron was wearing a very colorful tie-dye shirt and Grandma Linda was doing the peasant blouse and tiered skirt thing. On the other end of the spectrum, Uncle Richard was wearing a suit with a hideous tie and Aunt Anna wore a well-cut gray skirted suit with little pinstripes. Martha and her sister Wendy had on dresses that she would never have been taken out of her closet at school. About the only thing worse would be a pinafore. If Ralph and I managed to make it work and stayed together I was sure to have a very interesting life ahead of me.

Naturally, we were quizzed about things at school. Ralph and I tried to explain what we were learning in computer classes without leaving everyone comatose, Martha talked about how to control a class of bored kids and Uncle Richard seemed confused that I wasn't going into teaching but wanted to be a computer geek. Ralph, the bugger, had to ask Martha about Artur.

"Hey Martha. Is Artur going to make it here for any part of the vacation. I miss having him around."

Of course that left Martha to explain just who Artur was to the uninitiated. Aunt Anna looked smug, Uncle Richard looked a bit stern and the Grandparents gave each other an elbow dig and gave Martha a thumbs up.

"I'm hoping he may come up on Saturday and we can go back to school together. I tried to invite Mary but she had other obligations."

"Who's Mary?" came the chorus. Harry had the misfortune to be swigging a shot of apple cider at the wrong time and just about showered us with his reaction.

"She's a student we've gotten close to," I answered. "She spends a lot of time at Martha and Ralph's place."

"Uh-oh, Ruth. Better watch out she doesn't steal him away from you."

"She's no rival, you might say we've worked out a time-share arrangement for his company."

"That's my big brother," piped up Dave. "A bigamist and he isn't even married. Better pop the question to him before he gets away."

"He gave me his Captain Midnight decoder ring - does that count?"

"Only if it's before midnight, then it turns into a pumpkin."

"You're thinking of glass slippers, Dave."

"With high heels, no doubt. I suppose if he's wearing six inch heels on his glass slippers he couldn't get away from you too fast."

"I wouldn't wear them, I'd use them to pound little spike heel holes in your skull, little brother."

"Children!" Harry intoned seriously, "let's confine the conversation to something that doesn't involve bloodshed."

"Yeah, like politics!"

"How 'bout them Mets."

"That's baseball, it's football season."

"That's only here, to the rest of the world it means soccer."

"Sock who?"

"If the Mets hit a homer would that mean they have a run in their stockings?"

"Enough of that!" cried Harry. "Turn on the TV before I go mad!"

"How could we tell?"

An evening with Ralph's family was an interesting experience.

Ralph

"That was a really great movie!" I said.

"Wasn't it? But it makes me a little sad. I have a great-grandma that even looks a little like Coco, and I think that great-grandpa may have played guitar in a Mariachi band, but he never was an all-Mexico heartthrob. Half the Mexican stuff in the movie is new to me, even if I am sort of Mexican."

"Sort of Mexican?"

"Well, the genes come from south of the border, but the culture where I grew up in was mostly American. Cowboys and Indians, and we rooted for the cowboys, even knowing they were the suckers who stole the land from my ancestors. It's a good thing that my parents found Jesus before they named me or I would have been hung with something like Rosita or Isabel."

"As Will said, 'A Rosita by any other name…' "

"Ouch! You know I don't speak any Spanish worth mentioning."

"Ancestors can be worrisome, can't they? I used to worry that my German ancestors could have been Nazis, but all mine came over in the 1800s, so they couldn't have been the bad guys."

"But where I come from my ancestors were your bad guys. Remember the Alamo! and that bugger Santa Anna. Some of the gringos gave us Mexes grief, but there were more of us than there were of them in the school. Still, I think more like a gringo than a Mex. Even now I get all yucky using those terms after being in a really mixed place like Anonymous State."

"Prejudice comes in all forms. I'm glad we haven't had to face too many jerks who think we shouldn't be a couple."

"Or a lesbian couple, for that matter."

"Like I said, prejudice comes in all forms."

"Remember that drunk that tried to pick a fight with me and shit himself when girlzilla told him to buzz off?"

"Yeah, I've always wished I had a Godzilla mask for such occasions."

"Honey, you don't need a mask."

"Are you trying to tell me that my makeup needs more work?"

"Nope, just that the other girls turn green with envy when they see me with you. I think that drunk was slightly intimidated by a six foot seven woman in high dudgeon."

"Glad I was wearing heels that time."

"I just love the double-takes when we're someplace new."

"We are as sight, aren't we?"

"And you love it!"

 

Ruth

Being back at school was almost boring after spending a week with Ralph's family. As an only child I had no idea what a crazy, sprawling, blusterous place a home could be with brothers and sisters. I loved it!

The other thing I couldn't believe was how easily they accepted the whole Mary/Ralph thing. In some ways I was still trying to wrap my head around having a boyfriend who was a part time girlfriend, but it just seemed to suit us perfectly well. I wouldn't admit this to just anyone, but there were a couple of times I caught myself daydreaming about lesbian sex with Mary - pretty stupid when regular sex with Ralph was improving each time we practiced together. And here I am letting sex distract me again. Life was simpler before I found Ralph.

Not that I'm complaining! Still, I need to get back to work. There's only three weeks until winter break and we have a project due. It's a team programming exercise and naturally Ralph and Artur and I formed a team. Poor Martha sometimes feels left out when we spend so much time talking Geek together, but she and Artur have become an item. He hasn't followed my lead and moved in, but he does spend a couple of nights a week with Martha when we work late into the night.

It's funny, Artur is a great guy and I could almost see me dating him if Ralph hadn't come along. I suppose most people would have paired us because we are both so short - just like they automatically pair Ralph and Martha before they find out they're cousins. The whole height thing makes for a weird connection between us, people just naturally assume all kinds of stupid crap just because I'm short and he's tall. And when they get to know he's a she they split between going bonkers or being cool about it.

When we're snuggled up together it doesn't matter if he's fifteen inches taller than me. Of course, if I'm snuggling with Mary then my nose is in her boobs - now that's a problem I never imagined I'd have! If we're doing more than snuggling we've pretty much figured out what works, but I fear I'll never know the joys of the 69 position.

This is not getting any work done. Ralph had better get back soon so I can concentrate.

I suppose I'm going to have to call my parents and tell them I'm going to share an apartment with Ralph. No wait - I may be comfortable with a gender switching partner but my folks will certainly not want me living with a man. Maybe this gender switching can work to my advantage - I'll tell them I'm moving in with Mary. No mention of whose bed I'm going to sleep in.

Will they go for it? It would certainly be cheaper, but… Worth a try, I suppose.

Ah, I hear the door. I have an appointment to get my horns trimmed. See you later.

Ralph

"You want us to do what?"

"As soon as we get to winter break, I want to take you home with me and say 'Guess who's coming to dinner?' Or rather my parents want you to come home with me so they know who I'm going to share an apartment with. Then we can go to your parents for Christmas."

"Should I be flattered?"

"No, it's so they'll be relieved. I told them I want to move in with you next semester."

"Oh joy! Next thing I know I'll be asking your dad for your hand in marriage."

"Not that I'd object - that is if you proposed to me first - but it would seem a little strange since I'm bringing Mary home with me."

"Oh, that explains everything."

"See, it's simple - they want to meet my new roommate to be sure she won't be leading me astray."

"Too late, kiddo. Been there, done that."

"And we both have the matching dresses to prove it. We should bring them with us and show off a bit while we're there."

"Why should I be the only one? Has it crossed your mind that your parents live about six states away and Mary can't get on a plane without getting Homeland Security really excited?"

"I get excited whenever I'm with you, why shouldn't I be generous?"

"Like the judge will be generous at the sentencing. I'll have to marry you so we can have conjugal visits."

"I'm more concerned with having you in my bed while we visit my folks and Ralph ain't never going to get past their threshold."

"And we can share a bed while we're there? Won't that seem a little odd?"

"Not at all, my folks don't have a guest room so you have to share my bed."

"Am I going to fit?"

"Sure - I got my parents queen size when they upgraded. You're going to be just fine, honey."

"So that's solved, now back to the transportation issue."

"The answer is simple: we rent a car and shout 'Road Trip!' "

"And you expect me to be Mary for an entire week or so and not have anyone figure out there's something different about me?"

"Good thing you're so tall, they'll know that is what's different about you. Besides, as I said already it won't be the entire vacation - your Dad invited me to spend Christmas with your family. We split the time. I kind of consider being able to spend Christmas with your family a present to reward us for spending time with mine. You do realize I had a good reason for going to school so far away from home?"

"You've mentioned it."

"So I have. Have I mentioned I'm just a little jealous about how Mary can phone her mother up and talk to her as a friend?"

"That you haven't mentioned."

"I'm only a little jealous, so I wasn't going to crab about it."

"So go ahead and call my mom when you need to have some girl talk. Why shouldn't I be generous, too?"

"So let's work out when we're going to be where. I've been looking at Mapquest and some review sites and we should be able to do the drive in two days. We rent a motel room and get up early the next day and we should be there by dinnertime."

"Oh boy! You alone in a motel room. Dreams do come true."

"Hold on a minute, tiger. I'll probably be finishing up my period by then, something you part-time women don't have to think about."

"We've coped with it before. Creativity is the answer."

"That's not something they mentioned in my abstinence-only sex ed classes."

"Doesn't seem to have worked."

"It never does. The technical term for the girls who graduate is 'Mothers.' "

"You must put cynical sugar on your toast every morning to think like that."

"Reality, sweetheart. You know my folks are so conservative they didn't have any left to pass down to me."

"You keep telling me your folks are conservative, but not much else. If I'm going to be sharing your bed in their house, maybe I should know a little more about them."

"You do know you can love somebody and not understand them?"

"I assume you are talking about your folks and not me?"

"Well…"

"OK, I withdraw the question."

"You know damn well that withdrawal is a lousy method of birth control."

"You're changing the subject. Besides, you're on the pill."

"Which would be a big problem if my parents found out. They're Pentecostal, and take their religion seriously. I don't and I'm a bit jealous you can feel so calm about not believing in God. I don't think I do but I had God pounded into me all the time I was growing up."

"Funny, my white privilege would have thought they were Catholic just because of you're Latina."

"My ancestors were in the USA long before it was the USA. You notice I don't have the stereotypical Mexican accent. My Dad's father was determined that his family would be Americans and refused to teach my Dad Spanish. Mom has a little, but not much. The only Spanish I know came from Sesame Street. But when I'm around the area where I grew up I get Spanished all the time just because I look Mexican. I have to tell them I don't speak the language and I get these pitying looks."

"Well, I don't speak German and that's most of my heritage."

"But you don't stand out like I do."

"As far as looking like I don't speak English. I tend to stand out for other reasons. Sweetie, you would stand out no matter what your heritage or where you are."

"Flatterer."

"Blatantly. So your folks are conservative and ultra religious. Anything else I should know?"

"Mom will be trying to marry us both off within twenty-four hours of arrival. She should have been born Jewish, the way she tries to match every unmarried female in her sight."

"Have you told her about Ralph?"

"I've hinted, but since I'm bringing Mary home I don't want her to think about Ralph just yet."

"Now we have conservative, ultra religious, and a Pentecostal Yenta. Any more surprises?"

"There will be no talking about sex or politics at the cost of your lovely balls. I'd hate to lose them, my dear."

"So would I. Message received loud and clear, sir! It's going to be an interesting visit, won't it?"

"You are so right, just not my parent's kind of right. Let's make some phone calls and book a room."

Mary

I kind of thought that when we turned in our final project and went home I'd be able to relax and chill out for a while. We'd turned in the project this morning, Artur had said goodbye to us as Martha waited for her parents to come up to get her and we got out of Dodge before they could come face-to-face with Mary.

So why didn't I feel relieved?

"Mary, you look like someone stuck a stick up your ass. Need I remind you that you already have a very fine stick even if I don't want it up my ass? Relax, girl!"

"Yeah, right."

"We have two days to play before we get there. Enjoy it! We're on a road trip and are just two fun loving girls out to have a good time. Want to pick up a couple of guys at the hotel tonight?"

"You hinting for an orgy?"

"I've never tried. Not much public action in a small town but everybody knows who everybody else is screwing. I don't think my parents would approve."

"So what do you want? We pick up a dirty old man and I get to watch?"

"I had more of a sexy young man, sort of like you when you take your clothes off."

"Just what do you have in mind?"

That's what I like about Ruth. She knows just how to get your mind off being terrified of being found out. Of course my mind went straight into the gutter, but I didn't mind at all.

Mary

"Ernesto! They're here!"

I could hear Mary's mother through the closed front door. Showtime for Mary! The door flew open and there they were. I had seen pictures of them, of course, but this was the stark reality.

Ruth's mother was Cecilia; if anything an inch or two shorter than Ruth. If I hadn't known her father's name was Ernesto her mother's scream of joy would have let me know instantly.

"Ruth, you're home!"

Ruth was enveloped in her arms and if her mother could have physically lifted her I would have seen my lady swinging through the air."

"And you must be Mary!"

My turn for a hug, marginally less enthusiastic but I was glad I had braced myself after I saw Ruth enveloped. Yup, her nose barely reached my breasts, but it didn't phase her in the least.

"Come in, come in! Ernesto, say hello to Ruth's friend Mary."

"Hello."

"Good to meet you, Mr Rivera."

Ruth's dad appeared as taciturn as Ruth's mother was voluble. I still didn't know much about them, but it was enough to know that there was some problem between them she didn't want to talk about it.

What I hadn't expected was a mother who reminded me of nothing so much as the Fairy Godmother from Disney's Cinderella. Cecilia was short, very rounded, had breasts that would have given Martha a run for her money and I really expected to see her haul out a magic wand and sprinkle fairy dust to all corners of the room. She was dressed head-to-toe in pastels; loose, floppy sleeves, a gathered waist and her skirt billowed as she moved. She even had a silly little bow around her neck; the only thing missing was a hood to complement her fairy robes. It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.

There was the usual bustle of getting us sorted and seated, and I was just about to start worrying about how to find a topic of conversation when Cecilia turned her thousand kilowatt smile on me and I realized she could handle the conversational necessities all by herself.

"I'm so glad to know Ruth has been making friends at school. You know she was always hiding in a corner with her computer and hardly even went to the dances at school. She's such a pretty thing but she won't even wear makeup half the time. I'm so glad she will have someone like you that knows how to use makeup so well, maybe you can teach her something. Did you know she never had a real boyfriend…"

Like I said, there really wasn't much need to try to break into the flow, so I was a bit taken aback by a sudden silence. I replayed the last sentence or two and found she had said something like '… so Ruth wants to share an apartment with you.' I guess I was expected to actually answer.

"That's right. We've spent a lot of time together working on school projects and she's practically living with me and my cousin already. Having another person to share the rent would be very welcome and we both like Ruth."

So we filled her parents in with the story we were going to release to the public and they seemed OK with it. No need to mention Artur or Ralph, mind you.

"Such a shame you can't share outfits like I did with my college roommate. We always enjoyed having a larger wardrobe between us."

"I suppose if I ever needed a mini-skirt I could borrow one of Ruth's full length skirts."

That got a laugh, exactly as intended.

And so the evening passed, but try as I would her father contributed about six words all evening. Self-defence, maybe? We started to yawn (we had crossed a time zone along the way) and made our excuses.

"Mary, I hope you don't mind sharing with Ruth. I'm sorry we don't have a spare room for you."

If only she knew!

"That's perfectly fine, Ma'am. I grew up sharing a bed until I got so tall. Why I'll hardly notice Ruth in there."

Talk about your big lies!

"Then good night, sleep tight."

With the bedroom door safely closed and latched we both broke into barely controlled giggles.

"You'll barely notice me! Maybe you'll notice this!" she said as she skinned out of her dress.

"I notice you still have on a slip. I don't think I've ever seen you wear a slip before."

"For the very good reason I haven't. These are 'keep-mom-happy' clothes. Besides, I'll wear this when we go to church on Sunday."

"We?"

"We - if I have to go then you have to go, too."

"Does that mean I get to help you with your makeup. You can't go to church without makeup."

"I hate it when you're right."

"I haven't been in a church in years. Religion doesn't run in my family."

"Funny, I usually run from religion in my family."

"Such a good daughter. Why didn't you warn me your mother never stops talking."

"Because I wanted you to come with me, that's why."

"I don't scare so easily, love. If I can run around as Mary I can handle anything."

"Then you can start by handling me! Very quietly."

"Um, Ruth?"

"Yes?"

"This room doesn't come equipped with a chamber pot, does it?"

"Oh damn! I never thought of that."

"I think I'm going to have to be wearing a bra full time for the next few days."

"Even while you're handling me? That sounds kinky."

"It had better sound like nothing or we'll have some 'splaining to do."

"Yes, Ricky. No 'splaining, please." (If you're not from the US, check The Urban Dictionary for the reference.)

"Then pee first, handling later. I'll be back as soon as I can.

 

We learned a few things that night. First, there are ways to turn fantasy into reality.

Ruth's fantasy, honed sharply as a teenager in her lonely bed, was to have a real man replacing her hand as she pleasured herself while her parents were only a few feet away.

My secret fantasy was to be able to make love with real breasts on my body. Well, they weren't exactly real, but they did bounce quite nicely at certain times.

We both learned two more things. One - reality never quite measures up to fantasy, even if the effort was certainly worth it. Two - we needed to find a queen size bed for ourselves!

The following morning we learned a third thing. If you stay up half the night exploring kinky sex, Sunday morning comes way too early.

Mary

"What the hell is that?" I moaned, having been catapulted from sleep by a raucous noise that would wake the dead.

"The alarm, silly."

"What fool set an alarm, for the love of god?"

"That's exactly it: for the love of god. Not my love or your love, but Mom and Dad love god beyond all reason so we have an appearance at their church scheduled. Up and at 'em tiger."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope, I swear it on a stack of bibles, which aren't exactly hard to find in this household. Put your boobs in and let's share a shower."

"I suppose after last night…"

"We both need a shower if we aren't going to smell like a bordello. You look funny with one boob."

"I can't find the other one."

"Didn't you put them in the drawer of the bedside table?"

"Oh, yeah. If we do this much more I'm going to have to get real ones so they don't get lost at night."

"You don't seem to have any trouble finding my boobs. Why don't you just glue them on?"

"Because I couldn't afford the glue-on kind. Besides, remember how much these things weigh - I couldn't sleep at night with them stuck on."

"Ask Martha how she does it."

"She sleeps on her side mostly."

"And how do you know that little fact?"

"I asked when we were comparing our endowments. Do you know she actually found a web site that told her how much her breasts weighed?"

"I guess you can Google anything these days."

"Let's stop talking - I have to pee."

"Me first."

"I can always pee in the shower if you take too long."

"That's gross!"

"That's encouragement. You're the one that got me up at this ungodly hour."

"Believe me, you'll get enough god in the next few hours to last until summer."

"Oh, joy."

 

I have to confess I didn't really know what to expect at church. My family, from Grandma and Grandpa on down with the notable exception of Uncle Bastard, had never really been interested in attending a church. That's not to say they weren't interested in religion, but I absorbed their attitude that it's something that some people appear to need that makes no sense to a rational being.

There's a book that Gram and Gramps passed down through the generations called Religion Made Simple, which is one hell of a misnomer because there is no way to make religion simple. Actually, they tell me it was part of a series of books called Made Simple Books that came before the ubiquitous For Dummies series

So I have a purely academic knowledge of religion with little practical experience. Sure, I've seen the preachers on TV, even darkened the door of a sacred building a time or two when I was in the Scouts, but I just don't get the whole concept. Maybe that's why my gender switching never bothered me or my family too much.

All that was about to change: the Riveras attended a Pentecostal church. I have to admit my dear, sweet girlfriend did tell me before we arrived, but she didn't really tell me what a Pentecostal church involved. It's going to take a long time to think of something suitable to pay her back, believe me.

It started simply enough, some dude in a suit handed us a paper and welcomed us to the church with a "Welcome, sister!" and a big smile. He did the usual thing for a man meeting me for the first time and craned his neck to see up to my eyes, then lowered his gaze to my breasts for as long as he could without being too crass. I've almost gotten used to that, but it still makes me ashamed of my birth gender.

Mr Rivera led us right up to the front of the place and we all sat together in the second row. Someone was tootling on an organ until a whole passel of people in royal blue robes with long, white lapels filed in and started to sing. Damned if everybody didn't climb to their feet and start singing along.

Well, everybody but me, I didn't know the tune. Even Ruth joined in and I found out she has a very nice voice. I'm going to have to encourage her to do some more singing, she's very good at it.

Then some guy came up and read from the bible, and everybody sang another song, and there was some more reading. Then the preacher wished us all peace and told us to exchange our peace with our neighbors.

Huh? What did that mean?

I was sitting next to Ruth's father and damned if he didn't shake my hand and kiss me on the cheek, then turn around and kiss her Mom on the cheek as I straightened up. I felt a tap on my shoulder and Ruth planted a chaste kiss on my cheek and grinned at me. It's going to take a very long time to pay her back for having her father kiss me.

I may become a prude after that experience!

Then the preacher started in to preaching. I have to say I hadn't taken any of the comedy routines on TV about an overblown preacher shouting 'Thank you Jesus' in a phony southern accent very seriously, but glory hallelujah! this sucker put them all to shame.

Then it got really weird when Ruth's dad, the guy that hadn't uttered more than twenty words since I met him, started shouting encouragement to the preacher after every sentence. No wonder he didn't speak during the week, he was saving it all up for Sunday, and he let it all out with a vengeance.

He was worse than my Dad watching football on TV. Dad really gets into the game, jumping up and shouting advice to the coach and the refs as if they could hear him. Lots of encouragement to the players, too, congratulating them on getting a first down or excoriating them when they fumbled. Mr Rivera just about called the live action on the sermon - all he needed was a sidekick feeding him statistics as he screamed excitedly into the mike. 'Right on, preacher!' 'You tell 'em, reverend!' 'You got that right!'

Through it all, Ruth sat there with just a trace of a smile studiously watching the preacher, carefully not looking at me. Then it got even weirder: when the music started again some guy with a trombone started honking and next thing I knew there was a whole band up in front playing their hearts out. The organist moved over to a piano and it was Dixieland Night in Preacherville.

Actually, they were pretty good; so good some woman got up and started dancing in the aisle and one by one the rest of the congregation got to their feet and joined her. Pretty soon there was a conga line grabbing those who were still in the pews and sucking them into the snake of people dancing and shouting.

The inevitable happened, they got to our pew and we were sucked out of our seats; I found myself doing the cha-cha with my hands on Ruth's waist and Mr Rivera's hands around my waist. I couldn't see him but it felt like he was a pretty good dancer, his hands unexpectedly warm on my body. I just kept hoping he wasn't going to move those hands somewhere I didn't want to feel them, but he was a perfect gentleman. I suppose with his wife's hands on him he didn't have much choice, but I was relieved.

By the time it was all over there was no doubt that I would be going to hell if I were a believer. Ruth and I were going to have to have a talk about this stuff before we had any children.

Whoa! Where did that come from? Was there something in the air of this place that made even an unbeliever need to get married and have kids just because we shared a bed?

That thought kept me amused through the rest of the service and it finally ended, but we didn't get to go home. No, Ruth and I were dragooned to serve cakes and cookies at the 'fellowship hour' after the service.

When you're as tall as I am you get used to people whispering things to each other and trying to point you out without being too blatant, but it always happens. The fellowship hour at the church was no exception, especially as I was a stranger to them. Since I was right there behind the table serving up the goodies, I got to meet most of the congregation and tell them I was a friend of Ruth's from school, but I could see some variation of 'just how good a friend is she?' march across many of their faces. Why is it that the true believers seem to be so ready to believe everyone else is up to something perverted?

I have to mention one more reason why the congregation was giving me more than a once-over. Ruth's home town was in the Mexican border area, where the majority of the people were descended from families that were living there long before my ancestors came along and stole their land. Bluntly, they looked like Mexicans and had darker skin much like Ruth did, not to mention they averaged somewhat closer to Ruth's diminutive stature. Me, I'm from English and German stock and my skin is noticeably lighter; my hair is blonde and my eyes are blue.

With the current anti-immigrant climate in the country I felt a bit awkward; the bigotry these people faced living in their own country put my problems as a crossdresser into perspective. Even writing 'these people' in that last sentence makes me cringe a bit. The awkwardness was of my own making; I grew up in an atmosphere of tolerance and the college was quite diverse, but I got a taste of what it was like to be a visible minority.

Having been automatically assigned to a minority (female) within a minority I had some thinking to do. I wanted to scream 'sexist pigs' because the women naturally did all the work, including the cleanup, while the men pontificated and congratulated themselves on being the head of their households. It was enough to make me want to get the surgery and abandon my birth sex entirely so I don't have to be associated with those chauvinist pigs.

It was kind of fun gabbing with the ladies though, who were gushing over our matching dresses. When you're a woman as tall as I am you become a seamstress out of necessity, so I talked sewing with a couple of the ladies as we worked. Oh, yeah - I got to put the dishes away on the top shelf because I didn't need a ladder to do it.

Ruth

I know it was a dirty trick to throw Mary into that pack of sharks at the church without much warning, but really, how could I have explained? I know she doesn't have much use for religion, but how could I explain just what my parent's church was like? After several months in the liberal atmosphere of school, the sexist, male-dominated, holier-than-thou world of my home town almost seemed unreal - that is until I was thrown back into it.

As much as I love her, Mary still has an idealized view of femininity; now she had a taste of what growing up a woman in a small town in the border country was like and she obviously didn't like it any more than I did. I was proud of her for the way she stayed poised and confident during the fellowship hour despite the sometimes blatant gawking of the congregation. I was sure everyone was so distracted by her height that no one guessed Mary was really my boyfriend, kind of like a magician uses misdirection to hide what's in front of your eyes.

In any case, we arrived home and I said something about getting out of my dress and relaxing, but it was not to be.

"Oh darling," said my mother, "we have company coming for dinner. You should wear those beautiful dresses for them."

"Company?" I suddenly was certain what was coming, but had to ask. "Who's coming?"

"The Vegas and their son Jeremy and his brother Joshua. They're such lovely boys I knew you'd want to see them again."

Yup, she's matchmaking again, and this time she had another victim to match with Mary. One of my father's favorite phrases came to mind. Help me Jesus! The Vega boys were jocks of the first order. My poor mother just hadn't a clue about the real world.

"Mother, are you trying to find a boyfriend for me again?"

"Why dear, nothing of the kind. But it would be wonderful for you to find someone to settle down with, you know."

"You don't need to worry about that any more, Mother, I've taken care of that myself. His name's Ralph and he could be the one."

Mother's face began to shine and Mary's face got a little flushed. I had kind of warned her when I told her Mary was going to come home with me, but then I hadn't really known what I was going to say before I said it.

"Why, that's wonderful darling! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want you showing up at school with the preacher in tow to rent a hall before I even had a chance to propose to him."

"You couldn't propose to him, that's not the way it's done!"

I've really got to stop doing things like this to Mary, but it's such fun!

"Mother, I'm joking. I like Ralph a lot but no one is getting married quite yet. I have quite a few years of school to get through before I think of marriage. It may surprise you, but I'm perfectly happy as a single woman."

"We just want to see you happy, dear. God tells us that a woman should cleave to a man."

"Well, I'm not quite ready to go under the cleaver or on a chopping block. If it comes to that, someday I'll bring Ralph home to dinner and introduce you."

Mary was having a hard time keeping a straight face. Speaking of faces - I wonder what Mom's would be like if she knew Ralph was watching this little scene behind Mary's face?

"If you're serious you had better. What's he like?"

"Tall, fair and handsome. He's Martha and Mary's cousin, by the way."

"Is he that tall, too?"

"He's exactly the same height I am," spoke up Mary. "We were constantly measuring ourselves when we grew up. I won because I wear high heels and Ralph doesn't."

"Oh, my!"

"I can be rather intimidating in five inch heels. Sorts the men from the boys when I'm on a date. He has to be pretty confident to go for a kiss when he leaves me at my door."

"He has to bring a ladder, you mean, girlfriend." was my reply.

"That's why I like to date boy scouts, 'be prepared,' you know."

My poor mother - with her sheltered life she had no idea why that was a joke.

"I'm sure that Ruth and I will enjoy your guests at dinner. Is there anything I can do to help? "

See why I love her - and him? It was the perfect thing to say to my Mom.

Mary

"So you're seeing my cousin Ralph, are you?"

"Why Mary, he's a pretty nice guy."

"Glad you think so. Serious about the guy, are you?"

"I'll answer that question after we go to bed tonight, OK?"

"Well, if you can say it out loud to your mother…"

"Bedtime. I think I can give you a more complete answer."

"What happens if I like Jeremy or Josh or Dasher or Dancer or whatever their names are."

"Good luck with that, girl, but be careful of Cupid and Vixen. Besides, if Dad turns on the game they won't even know you're in the same county, let alone trying to seduce them. Trust me."

"Oddly enough, I do trust you - enough to let you talk me into being Mary for the whole time we're visiting your parents."

"You've gotten pretty good as a girl, girl. I kind of appreciate having you around so I'm not the only one Mom is trying to marry off."

"Think she'd go for a two bride wedding?"

"Hush your mouth, child! We Good Christian Ladies don't even think of such things. We're too pure and virtuous."

"Until you get into bed, I assume."

"Or the back seat of a pickup. Or a hayloft. Or any damn place we can get away with it without our parents finding out. There's a reason that several of my classmates left school early, you know."

"I'm glad you made it to graduation."

"I was a nerd. I lacked an essential ingredient - a guy willing to entice me into a hayloft."

"Their loss."

"It hurt sometimes, but now I'm glad I waited until you came along."

"So am I. Well, between us we ought to be able to make it through dinner with the jocks."

"First we have to cook dinner for the jocks, little lady. Remember, good girls make food in the kitchen, not whoopee."

"Little lady? First time anyone's called me little since I started kindergarten."

"Down here, all ladies are little, despite any objective observation. Deal with it."

"I'm more worried about dealing with table conversation. After the fellowship hour this morning it seems people here don't talk about the same things we usually talk about."

"I suspect we'll spend more time talking with Mr. Vega than the boys. He's a tech at the mill so we'll at least have some vocabulary in common. He's bilingual; speaks both football and English."

"That would make me a disappointment to your mother. How can I find my true love if I spend all my time talking to his father?"

"That's her problem. So far her success as a matchmaker has been very limited."

"Especially since you came home pre-matched."

"All this talk is not getting the table set or the potatoes peeled. Shut up and get to work, little lady."

"Slave driver."

Ralph

"Cecilia, this roast is simply wonderful," gushed Mrs Vega.

"Thank you, Teresa. It's such a pleasure to have Ruth and her friend Mary helping in the kitchen. Mary tells me the potatoes are an old favorite with her family."

"Mary, your mother must be a wonderful cook."

"She's not too shabby, but the recipe came from my Dad's parents. He does most of the cooking at our house."

"He does? How unusual."

"Not in my family. Grandpa Walter and his brother ran a hotel years ago. Grandpa was the cook and the bartender before he took the pledge, so my father inherited his abilities in the kitchen. Grandpa's no longer with us, but nobody turned down his invitations for dinner."

"So who will do the cooking when Ruth moves in with you?"

"Whoever gets hungry first - at least that's how my cousin and I handle the cooking now." I replied.

"I suppose without a husband to feed it wouldn't be like a normal family."

"No, ma'am. With all of us on different schedules I doubt there's much you could call normal in our place. Bedsides, I'd be rather foolish to get married before I finished school, I have to have the skills to support myself before I think of marriage."

"But…"

"I'm sorry ma'am, but I think we have a generational difference here. My parents brought me up to be an independent person, not someone who defines themself by someone else's needs. I intend to get married and I think I may have found the person I want to marry, but we'll be equal partners."

"I see… Perhaps we should find something less… controversial… to talk about."

"That's fine with me. Tell me Josh, since Ruth hasn't said much about you, where are you going to school?"

Now that was nasty, since Ruth told me that both of them were working dead-end jobs in the mill, the only real place to work in the town.

"Uh, I'm not going to school. I got a job at Dad's place. I drive the forklift and stuff."

"Do they have much automation at the mill? Ruth and I have been working on some software to help sorting products on an assembly line."

"Perhaps I can speak to that," Mr Vega answered for him, which had been my intention. It was pretty clear that Josh or Prancer or Dancer or whoever he was wasn't a sparkling conversationalist.

"We're a pretty small operation, we have machinery that fills and seals the bags but that's about it. For us it's still cheaper to give people jobs rather than buy machinery."

"Of course. One of the things my profs emphasize is that we need to think of how our society is going to keep people working as technology advances. I sometimes struggle with that as I learn more in the computer field."

And so we were off to the races as the male adults found themselves in technical conversation with two young women who challenged their ideas of how things should be. I found it kind of sad; here I was a guy who liked to be a girl sometimes, trying to break through the gender assumptions of adults who just knew how men and women were supposed to act based solely on their sex. Ruth and I were a team, working together to shift those assumptions and growing closer as we did so.

We made it through dinner, and the rest of our visit, without any major incidents, but Ruth and I still wound up washing the dishes while the menfolk watched the game. Not a bad deal, as I could really care less about sports. Which makes me an ideal woman for some men, doesn't it?

Ruth

"My god, Mary, that open road looks so good. I love my family but going back is like diving into a pot of molasses, cloying and too damn sweet. I almost forgot how sweet freedom is."

"Wait a minute! Home is too sweet and freedom is sweet. You sound like Goldilocks."

"Grin and bear it, sweetie."

"Does that mean I'm somewhere between too sweet and not sweet enough?"

"It means you're lucky you're driving or I would clock you with a sticky bun."

"Aim for between my lips, will you?"

"Does it mean I'm a bad daughter if I think your family is a lot nicer to visit than mine?"

"No, it means you've grown and your family has stayed in the same place. It would drive me crazy but your parents seem to be happy, just like mine. Different standards, love. Actually, you have some pretty good parents. Conservative, yes, but I did notice that neither of them tried to ram their religion down my throat. In fact, we didn't even talk religion very much outside of the church. It was, if you'll pardon the word, a revelation seeing your dad in church. Maybe that's why they don't go out much, they get all the entertainment they need shouting and praying."

"Just be glad it isn't revival season. You want entertainment, they go whole hog with the shoutin' and prayin' and hell raisin'. That's where you will have religion rammed down your throat in a circus tent with a crappy sound system and choirs of angels rattling their tambourines."

"Could you put revival season on our calendar so I can find a conference or something I just have to attend?"

"Certainly, we'll do a drive-by meeting when I introduce them to Ralph and get out of town before the dust settles."

"Now there's something to be nervous about. Cousin Mary is one thing, boyfriend Ralph is likely to get a lot more scrutiny. 'Why you look so much like your cousin Mary, Ralph. It's uncanny!' "

"Somehow they're going to have to learn to love both of you, just like I do. Mary is just a much a part of you as Ralph."

"You know, when I went off to college I was thinking Mary would be a sometime thing that would stay in the apartment and just enjoy being dressed once in a while. Now I sometimes wonder if I should see a shrink about multiple personality disorder. I'm so damn comfortable as Mary it makes me wonder if I've grown or just plain jumped off the deep end."

"Face it love, when you're wearing a dress you are Mary down to the heart. If you weren't completely Mary in your soul we could have never spent so much time with my parents without them realizing that Ralph is in there somewhere."

"I have to ask: are you really all right with me being so completely Mary? Most girls don't have to wonder why their boyfriend is their girlfriend half of the time."

"I was a little weirded out at first, but I like Mary. I like her a lot. I think we figured out she's a little intrusive when sex is involved, but it was an interesting experiment, wasn't it? I kind of like the variety."

"I'll be glad not to have to keep quiet tonight in the hotel."

"And how thick are the walls?"

"Who cares, we'll be gone in the morning. Then we have to be discrete again."

"Will we still be this horny when we're old and gray?"

"You want to find out?"

"Sure, we've got plenty of time, don't we lover?"

Harry (Ralph's dad)

"Relax, Janet. Ralph called and said they ran into traffic and they'll be here a little late. Well, actually it was Mary who called - it seems that it was Mary who visited Ruth's family, sans any of Ralph's clothes."

"It's times like these that I think I should have gotten a degree in psychiatry instead of social work. I'm actually starting to think of Mary as someone real."

"She is real, darling. Perhaps you should be seeing a shrink, not being one."

"Or maybe our son needs to be seeing one. It's almost scary how he's become Mary after only these few months."

"Thanksgiving was a bit of a revelation, wasn't it? I almost wish Mary could have attended the dinner and we could have watched Mount Richard erupt, but that would have put us all in the soup."

"You're mixing your metaphors again, Harry. Let dormant volcanoes lie, please."

"I knew there was a reason I married you, you're far more sensible than I."

"Not a very high standard to aspire to. It's uncanny how Martha and Mary look more like sisters than cousins when they go all out. Now that would start Richard's lava flowing."

"I rather like the girlzilla nickname they've earned. That's a whole lot of woman in one package. Impressive."

"Intimidating would be my choice for any mere male. I wonder when we'll meet this Artur that Martha is dating?"

"Depends on how serious Martha is about him. And how much courage Artur has to face Mount Richard."

"Make an honest woman out of her, Harry?"

"Speaking of marriage, do you get the feeling that Ralph is getting pretty serious with Ruth?"

"The feeling is obviously mutual. If we hadn't eloped six weeks after we met I might have some fatherly words of wisdom concerning patience and forbearance in the arena of romance, but I fear they may do as we did and not as we said."

"But at least we met in our final semester. I wouldn't want either one of them blowing off school because of a baby."

"We've raised a responsible child. Ralph and Ruth paid a visit to the Planned Parenthood clinic when they decided to get together in bed. Makes a social working mother proud."

"Did you catch Ruth's face when she saw your bowl of condoms in the front hall? Not your everyday decoration in most homes."

"Mary said that Ruth didn't really believe her when she told Ruth how we put safe sex ahead of conventional morality in our house."

"Those conservative parents, I suppose."

"I wonder what her parents are like? Ruth doesn't seem too ready to talk about them other than they're pretty conservative. I suppose Mary wasn't unmasked or we would have heard about it on the six o'clock news. Earth tremors at the very least."

"In that area they do so much fracking that they might not notice the odd parental tremor."

"Well, Mary didn't sound like she's spent the last few days in an emergency shelter."

"Do I dare speculate on whose bed she spent the last few days?"

"No speculation needed - why else would Mary be the one to visit?"

"I should have guessed."

"Do you think there's enough time to order a matching copper mug with Ruth's name on it so she can be part of the family for our Christmas Eve round of hot chocolate?"

"No need, I ordered it and it arrives tomorrow. Terri even made a stocking with Ruth's name on it."

"We aren't rushing things a bit too much, are we?"

"Unless you've ordered a wedding cake we should be on solid ground."

"There you go inciting earthquakes again."

Ralph

"I never thought I'd want to say this, lover, but…"

"Remember, no secrets between us, Mary."

"Which is why I'm telling you that I'm very glad to turn back into Ralph again. I enjoyed a whole week as Mary, but I need to be Ralph just as much as I need to be Mary."

"Sounds reasonable to me. Well, as reasonable as having girlzilla as a boyfriend, anyway."

"Watch it or Martha might be offended."

"Not a chance! She told me that she kinda likes having a rep as a standout."

"True, but it can get old. You've seen how people looked at me over the last week. Sometimes I'd just like to be normal."

"I'll go on Amazon and order Doctor Miracle's Incredible Shrinking Machine and give you a treatment. Well, at least most of you - there are parts that I wouldn't want to shrink."

"Thank you. Without my falsies I can say I'm feeling like a new man, but I don't want to go too far."

"You're still wearing panties, buster."

"And I will for the rest of my life. I gave up tighty-whities ages ago."

"Does that mean you're wearing kinky-pinkies?"

"You looking for kinky, lover?"

"I found it, lover. Put your pants on and let's visit with your family. I need some sanity in my life."

"From my family? Dream on!"

"Just put your pants on and stop talking.

Harry

"It's good to see you, son. It's been a while."

"Yeah. I keep pretty busy at school."

"Glad to hear it. How was the visit to Ruth's folks?"

"Weird? Surreal? I'm searching for words to explain or describe or perhaps even understand the whole extraordinary week."

"I hear through the grapevine that Mary was the one who visited."

"Can't keep any secrets around this place! Yeah, I was Mary for the whole week, nonstop. That's part of why I'm searching for the right word."

"And…"

"You're starting to sound like Mom."

"After twenty-five years I seem to have absorbed some of her expertise. You're stalling, son."

"Right. I'm confused and I've been doing a lot of thinking. About Mary and Ralph and Ruth and just how to balance things in my life."

"Not surprising, Ralph. You're at an age where you have to make some heavy decisions about who you are and who you want to be. That isn't easy for most people, but you have the whole gender thing to work on as well."

"Yeah. When I realized there was part of me that wanted to be a girl I had a lot of fantasies. Mostly about being a girl all the time, living in skirts and dresses and forgetting I was a boy. It makes a sweet fantasy, but I think I learned that it's only a fantasy after this week."

"How so?"

"Don't get me wrong - I enjoyed being Mary for a long time, but the last few days I started to fantasize about being Ralph again. Which sounds pretty damn silly to fantasize about being who you already are."

"Is Mary really so different from Ralph that you think of her as a different person?"

"In some ways, I guess. I do seem to think and react differently as Mary, but I don't have some kind of multiple personality where one half doesn't know about the other. I just let different parts of me be more dominant, I guess."

"Not too different than most people, Ralph. I'm a different person at work and at home, for example. Your mom tells me that she doesn't know the risk-taking idiot who sits at the poker table on Thursdays. He must be pretty sharp or he wouldn't win so often."

"I think I see what you mean."

"In your case you have the physical changes and the societal expectations of gender to pile on top of that different personality facet, so it can get really confusing."

"That's it! I had a couple of fantasies come true in the last week and it just wasn't what I expected."

"Sadly, that's almost always true. Fairy tales are better in the telling than in the living."

"Especially if some people think you're a fairy."

"Goes with the territory, I suppose. You getting much grief on campus now that you're out?"

"Not a lot, not really. A few of the macho types make snide remarks and some of the feminists, but most people just think I'm nuts and let it go. Apparently there was some gay bashing a while back and the administration came down hard on the bashers. Oddly, we get more grief when we're together because of the color difference than I get when someone clocks me; not so much on the campus, but when we are in town together. What's even weirder is that when I'm Mary we get less grief than when I'm Ralph. Some of the looks are worse than when I'm clocked as a crossdresser."

"One of humanity's least worthy traits is to find someone else to shit on when they are shat upon. I don't see any way to change it except bringing up a few new generations to think more clearly."

"That's what I've been trying to do - think clearly. I think I know I like being both Ralph and Mary enough that I don't want to give up either one. Finding that balance has to be the goal, not being a woman or a man full time. I like and need both."

"That's good - clearly setting a goal is half the battle. Getting there is another thing."

"Right. Learning all I can to get a good job comes first - Ruth and I are in agreement on that. I still have a hard time believing how well we work together on a project. It's like we feed each other ideas and they grow and change and develop almost magically."

"And Ruth seems to be comfortable with both sides of you?"

"Yes. That's another fantasy, but this one came true in a good way."

"She's good people, Ralph. Don't let her become part of the furniture, make sure you keep the relationship alive and vital."

"I'm trying. Dad?"

"Yes?"

"How did you and Mom know you were right for each other?"

"That's hard to say. It happened fast, but it snuck up on us. We just seemed to know what the other was thinking, we liked the same things but had enough differences to keep things interesting. It helped that the sex was damned good, but there was a whole lot more to sustain the relationship. For me, I just couldn't imagine life without your mother."

"Funny, she said pretty much the same thing."

"Not surprising. Is this leading somewhere?"

"Yeah. I think I want to propose to Ruth. I can't imagine living without her in my life."

"I think this where I'm supposed to get all manly and say something like 'This is your first real romance, son. Take your time.' Of course that would be hypercritical and hypocritical since I proposed to your mother much the same way. What I will say is to wait to get married until you both graduate. If you're still in love by then it will be the real thing."

"My idea exactly. Ruth's, too. We both know we need to have that degree if we want to do the things we want to do."

"You make a father proud, son."

"Thanks, Dad. For everything. I guess I need to go ring shopping pretty quick if I'm going to give it to her for Christmas."

"I may have a solution for that. You never met my mother, she was gone before you were born, but I have her rings in my jewelry box for just such an occasion. If you want, I'd be pleased to see that ring on Ruth's hand, sort of a blessing from my mom to her."

"That sounds wonderful, Dad. Family is important to both of us."

"Speaking of family, how do you two intend to tell her conservative parents about your engagement? For that matter, how are you going to tell them about Mary?"

"Um, we move to Tasmania and live in a shack on a mountain?"

"With high-speed internet, of course."

"Certainly. Solar powered computers and catered lunches. As long as we're spinning daydreams, why not go all out?"

"Just take a video when you ask for her hand so we can all see what happens."

"I think you might feel the shock waves right here, Dad."

Janet

Bam! Bam! Bam!

"C'mon David, get up! It's Christmas!" shouted Terri.

My younger son may have mumbled something that I'm rather glad that I couldn't make out. Looking at the clock I could see it was 6:02 AM. I guess there's something about Christmas morning that causes a twelve year old girl to revert to about five years old. It had been a long time since I was a kid and had such excitement over Christmas.

"Wake up, Harry. You're not going to sleep because…"

Bam! Bam! Bam!

When the Bam! occurs in your own door it seems a whole lot louder.

"Wha? What's going on?" My poor, confused husband mumbled.

"Christmas. Santa. Daughters. Presents. You know."

"Bah! Humbug!"

"Wake up you old Grinch."

"Coffee. Did Santa bring coffee?"

"I set the timer so it will be ready by the time you get to the kitchen."

"Oh, good! That should be sometime around noon?"

"Nice try, buddy."

Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!

"If Ralph and Ruth managed to sleep through noise they're awake now. If you don't want our daughter to make like the big bad wolf then get out of bed."

"Slave driver!"

"If you want to miss Ruth getting her ring, just snuggle back and be a slug."

"You're hard, woman."

"That's your job. Get your lazy carcass out of bed!"

Ruth

Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Wake up you two! Christmas is here and the presents are waiting!"

Could that cute little girl really be shouting like that so early in the morning?

"Go away, pest!" shouted my bedmate. I couldn't have said it better.

"Does insanity run in your family?"

"You're sleeping with me and you have to ask?"

"If it's hereditary I might make the birth control permanent."

"Temporary insanity, it goes away after the presents are opened. I was just as bad before I had someone in bed with me to keep me up late."

"It was a fine way to celebrate Christmas. Nothing like that happened in my house."

"What, you were peeking in your parents' bedroom?"

"I was speaking of my room, darling."

"I think we fixed that last week."

"But it wasn't Christmas."

"You can't have everything, like a night's sleep for Christmas morning."

"Do we dress for the occasion?"

"In your dreams, which you can't have since we have been cruelly awakened. A bathrobe will be sufficient. I might be able to tie it up with enough concentration."

Bam! Bam! Bam!

"Last warning, Ralphie. I can pick locks, you know!"

"Terri, you are a first class pest."

"I always come in first. You, however, would lose a race against a slug, let alone a tortoise. Get up!"

"I'm getting. I need to return your present. After your boorish behavior you made Santa's naughty list."

"I've known about Santa for years and years. You can't manipulate me with that crap."

"Watch it, sis. You could end up a social worker like Mom if you get too good at the manipulation bit."

"Oh woe! Oh fear and trembling! Oh…"

"Just shut up and let us get dressed. You win."

"See, I told you I always win, big brother."

When the silence stretched long enough to be sure that Terri was gone, I could only remark "There are certain advantages to being an only child, you know."

"I wish someone had told my parents that about a decade ago."

"She's twelve, it wouldn't have helped."

"Literalist. I'm up, let's see what Santa brought."

Harry

Christmas morning. We've done this for as long as I had the good sense to marry Janet, but once again it's changing. That first Christmas with Ralph, almost a year old and gleefully drooling and messing about with the presents is still with me. As each child came along it grew and helped us feel young again as the kids excitedly opened their presents. Then there was the bittersweet Christmas when Ralph figured out that Santa was a children's story, but still wanted to believe.

Christmas is a good marker to look at how the family has changed and how it's still the same. This one is particularly poignant with Ralph returning from his first taste of living on his own. The family is together, but no longer a single unit. We're becoming a collection of separate lives that returns to home base from time to time.

Terri still has that little girl joy but keeps fooling me when she suddenly becomes a thirty year old woman before reverting to angst-ridden teen. Life is never dull with a teenager, even if she has a few months to go to be official. At least she waited for sunrise before dragging us out of bed. There have been some years…

Now we're adding Ruth, who has found Ralph and may just share his life with us. I wish I could have had Janet spend our first Christmas together with my parents, but life sometimes just doesn't work that way. Both my parents were gone by that first Christmas, but I was able to spend it with her parents, so I think I know a little of what Ruth is feeling right now.

I do love how the place gets buried in torn paper and decapitated boxes. I never could figure out why some people want to carefully unwrap and save the paper. Last night with Richard's family was a lesson in patience, but watching Martha, Ruth and Ralph whisper made it interesting. Wish I knew what they were saying, but I can make a pretty good guess. I really shouldn't laugh at how they mock my brother-in-law, but he does invite it.

Looks like we're just about at the end, so Ralph's big surprise should happen any time now. Yup, he's going to do the traditional thing, he's kneeling in front of Ruth.

"Ruth, there's one more present for you."

Not very original, but how original can you get unless you're proposing via a radio disc jockey or some such public occasion. With that smile I think she knows just what it is.

"Ruth, will you do me the…"

"Yes!"

"I haven't even finished."

"You don't need to, you big lunk. Of course I'll marry you!"

"I love you."

"And I love you, Ralph. I have a present for you now."

Hmm… This isn't the way it's supposed to go.

"Well, really it's for Mary. Open it."

That minx. Ralph is going to have an interesting life ahead of him.

"Mary, I don't have to ask if you'll marry me, but you really need your own engagement ring so I don't have to beat any other suitors off with a stick."

"It's beautiful. Ruth, you're a wonder."

"I love you, both of you."

They didn't say much more, their mouths were too busy. I reached over and took Janet's hand. We both had a bit of moisture around the eyes. Life was looking pretty good for our family.
 

To be continued...

Once again, my thanks to Alys for her help and advice!

(The scene: A hospital Emergency Room near Anonymous State College. A doctor puts down the phone and speaks.)

"OK people, the cops are bringing in a busload. Possible broken arm, a bunch of minor injuries, maybe some burns, couple of drunks - think barroom brawl except it happened at the Jilly Hog."

"How the hell do you get drunks at the Jilly Hog? They started spiking the milkshakes?"

"Damned if I know, that's what the boys in the ambulance told me. Said this is one of the weird ones."

"Oh joy! Weirder than the one with the lightbulb up his ass?"

"Don't you wish. You can do the triage and find out."

"I want a hazmat suit if I got to triage a bunch of drunks. The last one puked all over me when I tried to get him into the bed."

"Next thing you'll want hazard pay, you lazy slug."

"Uh-oh - there's the flashing lights, they're here. Can't be too bad if there's only one in an ambulance, but that buggy looks like a clown car with all the people in it."

Outside the ambulance crew unloaded a stretcher with a guy cursing at the top of his lungs while the cops opened the door to their back seat and removed two prime examples of what a person looks like when he's been folded, spindled and mutilated along with having inhaled a few cases of beer. One of the scruffy characters was walking with a distinctive crouch.

"I bet I can tell you what happened to that one. Holy shit! I think I can tell you who happened to that one."

Emerging from the "clown car" was a woman who had to be well over six feet tall.

"Will you look at those gazoom- Ouch!"

"Professionalism, you big lout!"

"A guy can dream, can't he?"

"Not on the job or I'll tell Janice. Triage, baby. You're on. What the hell? Good god, they're twins!"

"Now who's talking professionalism, nurse Ratched?"

"Not me, it seems. Tell me, am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?"

"If you mean two giant women, a pair of Munchkins and a horde of skid row bums then you're seeing what I'm seeing."

"I love this job! Whenever I think…"

"That's your problem - you're thinking again. You've got to learn to keep that under control."

"Hey Doc! Hope you aren't too busy tonight." said the first cop.

"Pretty quiet until you brought us a circus, Paul."

"Just wait. The campus cops just shut down a kegger that got out of control, so you'll probably have some more company soon. You should know by now that on the first warm spring weekend the kids on campus tend to go nuts. Anticipation, lord knows what, but this time of year can be trying."

"Doesn't look like your usual kegger aftermath this time."

"Certainly not your usual kegger this time. When the campus officers pulled up at the party it seems those three fine upstanding gentlemen in handcuffs vacated the premises in a hurry and decided they were hungry. They apparently went to the Golden Dragon where they had a few more beers and started a food fight."

"So that would be soy sauce on perp number one?"

"Presumably. I don't really want to smell him to find out. "

"Neither legally nor medically necessary in my estimation."

"You bet! By the way, we professionals refer to such people as fine upstanding gentlemen. Anyway, our brother officers escorted them out of the Dragon and into a taxi with instructions to take them home."

"Doesn't seem to have worked too well."

"That's community policing for you. The fine upstanding gentlemen were still hungry so they talked the driver into stopping at the Jilly Hog."

"Which goes some way to explain how you got a barroom brawl at the Hog.

"Yeah - they brought the bar with them inside their stomachs."

"Doesn't appear to have stayed there."

"And we had to smell it all the way here. Life is hard for a cop, Doc."

"You poor baby. So what happened next?"

"They were taking a couple of trays of fresh fries to their seats when the tall ladies walked in."

"And?"

"The one in the red blouse is a crossdresser. Pretty well known on campus but we never had a problem with her. Law abiding, but she's had a couple of idiots give her grief. The campus people have dealt with it and we never got involved beyond a courtesy call so we were aware just in case."

"We'll never run out of idiots, I suppose."

"Not in this town. So fine upstanding gentleman number two decides he's been appointed by god to scourge the abomination in a red blouse and attacks her with a pair of chopsticks."

"Chopsticks!"

"Swiped from the Dragon I suppose. He went for her breasts, which fortunately for her were artificial and only spilled silicone, not blood."

"This is sounding like a bad comedy show."

"Low comedy, for sure. Anyway, the small woman, who seems to be the crossdresser's fiancee, jumped up on gentleman number two and proceeded to beat him with a sugar shaker. Good thing the Hog switched to plastic a while back or one of those old glass monsters could have done some serious damage."

"When I check him over I'll be sure to measure the skull thickness."

"With a yardstick, I suppose. That's when fine upstanding gentleman number three went after the lady on fine upstanding gentleman number two's back. Which was the signal for the crossdresser's cousin, that's the other tall one, to go after fine upstanding gentleman number three, which in turn prompted fine upstanding gentleman number one to fling his freshly cooked fries down her cleavage, of which she has enough for a super size order."

"Ouch!"

"Don't tell me you aren't looking forward to examining her for damage, you old dog."

"In a perfectly professional manner with a nurse in the room."

"Like 'em in pairs, do you?"

"No comment."

"To continue - the one with the potato filled cleavage was violently objecting to the whole procedure, so gentleman number one, in a misguided effort to make amends, dumps his chocolate shake in after the fries."

"You're making this up!"

"Don't I wish. I'm going to eat out on this story for years and years."

"By this time Mabel, she's the cook at the Hog, had had enough and dumps a pot of coffee over fine upstanding gentleman number one, who doesn't get the message, so Mabel kicks him one in the nuts."

"Bet that slowed him down."

Also caused him to unload about a keg of beer and enough chicken wings to let Frank Perdue do a stock split."

"Indeed."

"About this time - it's a bit unclear as things were happening pretty fast - gentleman number two has managed to remove the lady with her sugar shaker and once again goes for the crossdresser. Being drunk well above the average student level, he tries to vault a table and falls flat on his drunken ass, breaking his arm in the process. That's when Joe and I stopped in for a cup of coffee which we never got to drink."

"Bad timing, eh?"

"The worst. You got any coffee in this joint?"

"Thru the door behind the desk. Whatever you do, don't try to drink the crap in the vending machine."

"Do I look like I was born yesterday?"

"Begone, Paul. I must minister to the sick and heavy laden."

"Watch the medicinal alcohol with those boys in here, Doc."

"Keep the handcuffs on, will you? Make my job easier."

"Done!"

Artur

Damn, it was good to be back home. What an evening! We were all a bit worse for wear, but Mary still looked like a casualty in some old war picture and Martha was trying to massage her spectacular breasts without being too obvious about it.

Yeah, as if that could happen.

" 'A hot dog,' she says. 'I just want to go out for a hot dog,' she says. What could go wrong?" I said.

"Besides food poisoning? We did go to the Hog." Mary replied.

"I'm still hungry, we never got my hot dog." complained Martha.

"Now that it's over I think I might want to eat, but jeez - the look in that guy's face as he attacked me!" Mary looked a little pale.

"Yeah! People are so used to you being Mary that I really wasn't expecting any trouble."

"Four years of school and the worst I've had to put up with is some nasty looks and a few smartass remarks. I was thinking I was going to make it through unscathed."

"Are you forgetting the Jesus Freak that tried to banish you to hell last year at the Union?"

"He sure was an earnest sucker, wasn't he? At least he wasn't armed with chopsticks!"

"He did have a loaded Bible."

"But spraying the crowd with verses didn't put holes in my blouse - or my falsies. I didn't know what to do when he came at me - I just froze. I thought he had a knife at first."

"When the unexpected happens fast your brain goes into protective mode and gets you ready for the worst case scenario. We learned that in psychology," Martha said.

"I know that crossdressers are targets, but as big as I am I've never had anyone even take a swing at me before." Mary looked confused.

"Unlike me, who seems to be the natural target when someone wants to start pounding someone who can't fight back," I offered.

"This whole height thing sucks," Mary complained. People look at Ralph and assume he's in charge because he's the biggest 'man' in the place, and I've seen people look at you and just dismiss you without a thought because you aren't tall. Then again, when a lot of people look at Mary they assume she's a freak - and not just because I'm a crossdresser. It's stupid."

"There's a lot of that going around. When you add alcohol and prejudice you get some bad shit."

"You're right on that one, Artur. That's one of the reasons I stay away from bars and I'm glad you all aren't really drinkers. I can live quite nicely without drunks."

"It was a learning experience," said Ruth. "I've never been in a drunken brawl before. To hear my folks talk college was going to be one long series of drunken debaucheries and ungodly heathenism."

"Yeah Ruth, it's our last semester - you wouldn't have wanted to miss a drunken brawl. You did pretty good with that bottle. You ought to try out for bull riding in the rodeo and see how long you can hang on. That asshole sure was bull-headed."

"At least he didn't weigh a couple of tons and have sharp hooves."

"Can you kick a bull in the balls? Mabel sure put that other dude on the ground pretty quick. Hot coffee and burning balls, hope he's still writhing on the floor somewhere."

"I, for one, could have passed on first degree burns in my cleavage." Martha complained.

"Darling, your endowments are such we're talking second degree simply for their remarkable area." I told her

"You just want to apply the creme the doctor gave me, you bastard."

"Now she's complaining because I want to rub her tits. I can't win."

"At least you still have tits, cuz." Mary grumped. "All I have left is punctured and deflated sacs of silicone. What the hell am I going to do for the wedding?"

"Wear a tux?" I asked.

"No way, Jose!" Ruth cried. "I'm walking down the aisle with Mary and watching my folks turn puce. You can't deprive me of the pleasure, sweetie."

"And I want to see my father go carnelian, cuz." That was Martha. "I'm looking forward to financial independence from my parents when I start working this fall and I no longer have to worry about Dad cutting off the rent."

"Which is a good thing because we need all four of us to keep this place going."

"I still can't believe your folks are giving us the house as a wedding present!" Ruth exclaimed.

"Since three of us going to be poor, starving grad students with crappy paid internships, we'll need a cheap place to live," Mary said.

"At least Martha will have a real job." I offered.

"And don't you forget it, almost-husband," my love said.

"At least we won't be living in sin any longer. That ought to make several sets of parents happy."

"And since we're all living together my Grandpa Ron and Grandma Linda think we're reprising their life in the commune, so they're happy," Mary added. Having you two in the upstairs apartment will ease the bathroom situation around here."

"As the only full-time male round the place I will certainly appreciate not having to share a bathroom with two and a half women."

"There's your answer, cuz! If you pick the bottom half you won't need to buy new falsies."

My love is full of great ideas.

"You think I want to be like the mermaid in that folk song? Forget it!"

"Well, that still leaves you with the parts I'm interested in," grinned Ruth.

"Look, can we do the kum-ba-ya stuff a little later. This silicone crap is getting sticky and I want to take a shower."

"I'll join you," Ruth offered.

"Leave some hot water for us, please!" I begged.

"Too bad there's no place to put in a second bathroom. I love this place, but that is a real pain."

"I guess if Ralph can't be Mary for a while that should free up a lot of bathroom time." Martha had a shit-eating grin all across her face.

"Only as long as it takes to order a new pair of falsies. I've always wanted a pair of the glue-on type, now I have an excuse to get them. I wonder if Amazon Prime has has boobs quick enough? Look, I grew these babies in only two days with Amazon Prime! Maybe they'll pay me to do commercials or something."

"Dream on, darling. Into the shower and chuck those gooey things on the way. Why did we have to meet the Mad Chopstick Slasher?"

"Because I wanted a hot dog. I still want a hot dog, dammit!" Sometimes Martha has a one track mind.

"Will you settle for a frozen pizza?" I inquired.

"Only if you push the button, Artur."

"I just love pushing your buttons!"

Ralph

"So Artur, what's it like to wear a dress?" I asked.

"This is a gown my friend. A graduation gown, not a dress. It is traditionally worn by those of us who have slaved in the salt mines of Academia for four miserable, freaking years to achieve a lousy piece of paper that will magically unlock the doors to the rest of our life. I might ask you what's it like to wear a dress without a bra and boobs, Ralphie?"

"It stinks, old buddy. Amazon Prime came through and I have a brand new pair of glue-on, high tech, guaranteed-to-bounce falsies and I can't wear them today. I just hope the courts make the bastard pay restitution, those babies weren't cheap."

"There goes the first paycheck, eh?"

"Such that it is. I may have to raid your stock of frozen pizzas for a while."

"Are we going to the Hog afterward to celebrate?"

"Screw you, old buddy."

"Not even when you're Mary, old buddy!"

"Get your ass in line, Artur, or they'll keep the diploma."

"As if we're going to get anything except an empty frame on the stage. The diploma is in the mail, same place as your check. Besides, being a Zentz I'm tail-end Charlie at all these mass gatherings, I have plenty of time."

"Poor Martha, she goes from a Grieser at the middle of the pack to a forgotten Zentz in only a few weeks."

"And Ruth gets promoted from Rivera to Hunt. Like I said, life ain't fair."

"Sexist pig! Ruth is keeping her own name, just so we have to explain we're married every time we introduce each other. Oinker that you may be, I can't think of anyone I'd like to share my wedding day with more than you and Martha - Ruth excepted, of course."

"Who would have thought I'd be part of a double ceremony and be the only one in a tux walking down the aisle?"

"There's still time to change your mind. Think of it - a four bride ceremony. We'd be making history!"

"And my parents would be committing suicide, unless they went for homicide first. The EMTs or the police would get in the way of the the getaway vehicle."

"I guess, we'll probably need the EMTs for my Uncle Dick, anyway. We haven't told him I'll be there as Mary."

"Family conspiracy?"

"You bet. Even my Aunt Anna is in on it. She isn't particularly thrilled but she's guaranteed she'll keep Uncle Bastard in line."

"You call him that? We only think that about Uncle Jacques."

"Well, as they say, 'always a bride and never a groom…' "

"I think you've slightly mangled that old saying, Ralphie."

"Who cares? I married Martha a dozen times when we were kids."

"I'll settle for once."

"I think she agrees. The music's starting, lets go grab those sheepskins."

"I told you, they're in the mail."

Ruth

(One week after graduation)

"Are you sure this is legal, Ruth?"

"Mom, we've been over this a dozen times! Of course it's legal. Grandpa Ron is a legally ordained minister and can perform a marriage ceremony. He's done a bunch of them for his friends."

"But nobody ever heard of that church!"

"Mother, you've never heard of the American Marriage Ministries. They're legal, they're real, and Grandpa Ron is a minister, just not the kind you're used to."

"So you say. It's bad enough Ralph wants to be wearing a dress, but I'd feel better if Reverend Fowler was doing it."

"You would, but I wouldn't. Besides, he'd never agree to a two bride ceremony, and I want Ralph to be able to live his dream. I've been in love with both sides of Ralph for four years now and I'm not going to let anything mess up our wedding."

"You'll be the death of me yet, Ruth."

"Just hope I pop out a grandchild or two before you kick off."

"Don't say that!"

"You started it, Mom."

"Why must you always do things in such an odd way?"

"Pure cussedness. But I love you anyway, Mom."

"I love you too, Ruth, despite everything."

Grandpa Ron

"OK, you two - tell your old grandpa all about it. What did you mean about you have an unusual wedding ceremony in mind?"

"You mean besides having you solemnize the marriage?"

"Smart ass kid - your mother raised you right."

"Dad had some input, too."

"The boy has some common sense, I'll admit."

"Boy?"

"When you hit my age anyone younger than Methuselah is still a baby. That's a pearl of wisdom you need to write down and remember."

"Grandpa! We use a note app in our phones, nobody writes things anymore."

"Tell that to the county clerk when I file the papers after the wedding. You want to leave your phone with them to moulder in some file drawer?"

"Well, it would cut down on the telemarketing calls, but they probably wouldn't want to listen to it singing all day until the battery died."

"Aren't we going rather far afield from planning a wedding?" asked Ruth.

"Practical as always, just like most women." I said. "That why you want to stroll down the aisle in white lace?"

"Aww gramps, you guessed!"

"You think it's a secret when you have Mary plastered all over your Facebook page?"

"Technology is getting out of hand when your grandpa…"

"Nonsense, child. I was playing with computers when they still took up whole rooms. Sometimes I regret retiring just as things were getting interesting."

"Should we talk to our new boss and see if she needs a part-timer?" offered Ruth.

"And give up playing Spider Solitaire all day - not a chance! Back to the wedding, girl."

"Did you get a chance to check out the park?"

"Been going there for sixty years or so, done two ceremonies in the Roundhouse so far. Good choice!"

"I loved it when Ralph and Martha showed it to me," Ruth said. "What a perfect place for a wedding."

"Speaking of Martha, this is the first time I've done a double-header. Too bad she's still off doing her student teaching. We need to have her and Artur together with us before the big event."

"With Mom and Aunt Anna doing the planning I'm not sure we have to do anything more than show up and recite our lines. We have no control over this thing at all."

"You can always elope, that's what Linda and I did."

"That wouldn't work, gramp; we already found the dresses and want to show them off."

"Have you got a plan for when Richard blows a gasket? I love my son, but he can be a pain."

"Mom and Aunt Anna are talking to him even as we speak."

"Which solves the mystery as to where my good wife has gone without telling me her destination."

"I bet grandma was afraid if you knew you'd want to go along, too."

"Not to be sexist, but there are some things that women handle better than men. Besides, Richard never listened to his old man. What do we do if they can't calm him down?"

"How 'bout we lock him in a room with Ruth's dad and they tell each other what a blasphemous and hellish farce the whole thing is. They have that much in common."

"Speaking of Ruth's father - how did you survive him finding out you were sleeping with his daughter in their own house that first Christmas?"

"We both had to use fake eyebrows and eyelashes for a month until they grew back in. Turns out he can imitate a flamethrower when he gets going."

"Little foretaste of the hell and damnation that his church preaches?"

"They're into a different kind of horns than we are. I think Ruth's pretty hot but her Dad didn't take it too well."

"The sex or the crossdressing?"

"Sex? Who says we had sex in my parent's house?" Ruth tried to be innocent.

"Kid, you haven't any talent as a liar. I'm surprised we didn't hear the smoke alarms all the way across two state borders. I was young once, you know."

"I'll have to ask Grandma sometime."

"We were just lucky they hadn't invented smoke alarms when we were kids. A damn nuisance taking the batteries out all the time."

"I've seen that worn out copy of The Joy of Sex on your bookshelves."

"We got pretty worn out, ourselves. How do think your mother got here?"

"The usual way, things haven't changed that much since your day."

"I notice you haven't answered my question."

"I was counting on your senility to get me out if it. It's a painful memory."

"I'm not senile yet. A command appearance over spring break after you proposed to her, as I remember."

"Right. We decided not to fly in case things got out of hand and we needed to make a quick getaway."

"Wise. Those motel beds any more comfortable than they were while I was on the road?"

"Must be, we had no complaints," my grandson replied.

"If you complained about being in bed with Ruth I would have to request a psychiatric evaluation before I married you."

"Gramps!"

"So you got there and showed up in a three piece suit to impress her old man…"

"You are getting senile."

"Just sarcastic. Sorry I interrupted."

"We rented a motel room first. No sharing a bed with Ralph in that house," commented Ruth.

"Then we called her folks and told them we were there."

"And Mom went nuts."

"And her dad didn't say anything."

"Disapproval already?" I asked.

"Nah, he doesn't use one word when none will do - unless he's doing color commentary on the sermon in church."

"Good thing I don't plan to give a sermon, he might throw me off my stride."

"So we knocked on the door and her mother's first words to me were 'My, you look like your cousin!' "

"I think Dad was trying to say something but his jaw didn't work too well laying there on his shoes. My folks may be conservative but they aren't stupid."

"Most of them aren't, just have blind spots you could drive a truck through. I've met folks like that before." I replied. "I take it that things were a tad tense?"

"You could say that. It was a good thing that Mom had been waiting dinner for us so we had something to do with our mouths besides talk. Ralphie spent most of that meal complimenting the cook."

"She is a good cook."

"Then cigars and cognac in the den for the men while the little women did the dishes?"

"Damn good thing he doesn't smoke, but I got the third degree - as in burns. He can talk if he wants to and his questions were very pointed.."

"I suppose he whanged you over the head with Deuteronomy?"

"And a bunch of other more obscure verses. Good thing I brushed up on my fanaticism during the trip. Pretty boring reading, though."

"Unless you're a fellow fanatic."

"He didn't seem inclined to use the word 'fellow' about me, gramps."

"Do tell!"

"I suppose I was lucky that he was still in shock. I tried my best to be rational and non-confrontational."

"You've been listening to your mother again, son."

"She makes a whole lot of sense now that I'm old enough to appreciate it. I've used her techniques a whole lot over the last four years to explain about Mary."

"You'll have to tell me sometime, but not right now. I take it that there's been enough time since you got engaged that outright war has been avoided?"

"Nice turn of phrase, that. We even went to church with them before we left."

"And I got stuck in the kitchen all alone afterwards," complained Ruth. "Just because he wasn't Mary this time. They're still sexists even if they're well meaning sexists."

"So you intend to have the wedding catered to avoid the problem?"

"Bingo! Not that I've ever played the game, but you have the idea. With a double wedding even Mom and Aunt Anna couldn't cope with that many people."

"True enough. Ruth?"

"Yes, grandpa?"

"Your family's friends. How are they going to handle this?"

"With true Christian charity and understanding, of course."

"And here I thought you couldn't lie worth beans. This girl is a world champion, Ralph."

"Needs must when the devil drives, as my father wouldn't say."

"Seriously, do we need riot police or extra security?"

"Seriously, I'm not sure how many people will come from my side of the family. My Aunt & Uncle are lukewarm about religion, so they'll be there. Mom will invite all her friends, but with Ralph's reputation I just don't know how many will want to drive or fly all that distance to see me married. That's one of the reasons we decided to have the wedding here, by the way."

"Those who make it to the mountaintop to see the guru are those who are worth associating with?"

"You going to wear a white robe and carry a staff for the ceremony, gramps?"

"Not a bad idea, but I'd prefer tie-dye."

"Gandalf as co-celebrant?" giggled Ruth.

"We already have a two giantesses and a couple of hobbits so a computer wizard would fit right in."

"We could even invite Jesus and make Ruth's folks happy."

"Son, the only way you'll hear the word 'Jesus' from my lips during the ceremony is if I stub my toe. Perhaps after the ceremony if the bride gives me a good smack on the lips."

"Ralphie, tell me I won't have to worry about you growing up to be a dirty old man like your grandpa."

"You won't have to worry about me becoming a dirty old man, love. Now a dirty old woman…"

Janet

"OK ladies, we're here."

"You ready, Mary?" asked Ruth.

"I think so," my son replied.

"You better be after all the foofaraw you wearing a wedding dress has caused."

"Foofaraw?"

"A lovely old word that should be revived. Fuss, bother and blather."

"Blather?"

"What is this, and English lesson or a wedding dress fitting?"

"A hen party? You wouldn't be about to chicken out, would you Mary?"

"Well, there certainly seems to be an abundance of breasts in this party."

"Two of which are on my son. I never thought I'd see cleavage on my son, did you, Anna?"

"Considering the amount of cleavage my daughter has I guess it runs in the family."

"Mother!"

"You're the one who started the whole thing. Can't blame the boy for being jealous."

"It was that drunk with the chopsticks that started the whole thing. I never would have been able to afford these beauties without his settlement."

"Ladies, can we compare our attributes after we get these dresses fitted?"

"Certainly, after you, my dear."

 

OK, I know it was sneaky and maybe a bit petty, but there was one thing about the fitting that I didn't tell my daughter. Well, maybe two. The first was the text that I got while she was driving us to the bridal shop. The second was that the text told me that Ruth and her mother had arrived ahead of us for the fitting.

It was only fitting (ahem!) that Mary got a surprise of her own after surprising us with the two-bride wedding business. As my parents would say, karma is a bitch. I could hardly wait to see her face when she saw Ruth and Cecelia waiting for us.

It was all I could hope for - the two of them locked lips and ignored the rest of us for quite some time.

"You must be Cecelia, I asked the woman who had to be Ruth's mother. "I'm Janet and this is my sister-in-law Anna and her daughter Martha."

"It's good to meet you at last. I've enjoyed our phone conversations. This whole wedding is crazy but there's no way I'm going to miss my only daughter's dress fitting and all the rest of the wedding preparations."

"It does rather stand tradition on its head, doesn't it?"

"Her head isn't the only place where tradition is being abused. Prepare yourself for Mary's decolletage when those two break apart."

"Get a room, you two!" commanded Martha.

Reluctantly, they broke apart and they were able to get a good look at the bride-to-be.

"Oh my!" Cecelia breathed softly."

"I'm not going to try to explain this, Mary," I said. "The job's all yours."

"This isn't the place, but I'll tell you it involves surgical tape and doesn't feel very comfortable after a while. Wait until we get home. Please?" she pleaded.

"Ah! I'm marrying a woman of mystery."

"Sit down, Cecelia. I'm almost getting used to this gender bending stuff but you need to take it in small doses to get immunized."

"Maybe I should have stayed home."

"Nonsense, Mother. I need you more than ever," soothed Ruth.

"Good morning, ladies," spoke a woman who had been patiently waiting for our little scene to play out. "I assume this is the wedding party for Mary, Martha and Ruth?"

"That it is, three brides for the price of one." Anna replied.

"I'm afraid we don't offer bulk discounts," she answered with a smile.

"Darn! I hope you don't charge by the inch."

"Especially if we're talking bra size." Martha looked ruefully at her chest.

"You'll be glad to know we charge by the piece; so, shall we proceed with the final fitting? Come with me, please."

Now came the hard part. I never thought I would act as mother-of-the-bride and dresser to my son when he was married. We collected the dress and entered a spacious private room for the fitting. Thank heavens we weren't all going to be undressing together - that would have been just too much!

"Relax, Mom. You aren't the first woman I've gotten undressed in front of."

"The situation is a bit different than when I undressed you for your bath when you were a little kid."

"I'm not so little any more, am I?"

"Especially around the chest, I see."

"Pretty cool, isn't it?"

"Not quite how I'd phrase it."

"Well, I like it. You ready for me to take my clothes off?"

"I have to admit I'm curious how you managed to look like that."

"I bet Ruth's mom is, too."

"And Ruth, for that matter."

"Not Ruth. She's seen me do it before. I don't do the whole cleavage thing very often because it isn't very comfortable. Take a look."

My daughter proceeded to remove her blouse and I saw her torso was wrapped in wide tape that pushed his chest together. I watched as she lowered one bra strap and cup so I could see the breast form that filled the bra without being visible.

"That looks… painful."

"After a few hours is is. If I had gobs of money and some Hollywood magic I could even have something that looked so real I could wear a bathing suit. I'll only strap myself up like this for the wedding, then change to something less revealing for the reception."

"Your father is going to have a problem breathing when he sees you."

"Dad is going to be OK, it's Uncle Richard that worries me."

"Oh dear! Maybe you'd better flash him some of your endowments at the rehearsal dinner so he collapses there and not at the wedding. All those EMTs would get in the way of your vows."

"If he's used to Martha's endowments, mine will pale in comparison."

"Maybe if he goes pale for you and red for Martha things will even out and he will just sit there stunned until the ceremony is over."

"Trust a social worker to come up with a solution to every interpersonal problem."

"OK, I'm ready. You can take off your skirt and raise your arms so I can slip the dress over you."

"I'm wearing my gaff so you won't be embarrassed.."

"Not possible, but thanks for thinking of me. What's a gaff?"

"Another uncomfortable device to hide my genitals. I look like any woman wearing panties when I use it."

"And you actually like doing all this stuff?"

"Only on special occasions. When I'm just Mary without any special occasion I just dress like any normal woman would. We'd better hurry up or someone will come looking for us."

"Right. Lift your arms and wiggle."

She was right. I couldn't help looking and her panties looked smooth as any woman's would. I couldn't help but hear Terri reciting 'TMI Mom, TMI' as we finished up the dressing.

Linda, Janet and Anna. (Since they're all in this together the all-seeing narrator will be doing this part.)

"Richard! Sit down and stop being an ass," commanded his wife, Anna.

"This is ridiculous! I will not be part of this farce!"

"Little brother, are you seriously suggesting you won't attend your own daughter's wedding?" asked his sister Janet.

"Not only will I not attend this sacrilegious farce, but I will not pay for it, either."

"Son, there are times I regret having gone through the bother of raising you. I can't help it if you believe in all this reactionary foolishness, but I at least thought we taught you to be a decent human being. It seems you're really trying to prove me wrong," his mother Linda fumed.

"Are you seriously trying to tell me that having my nephew prance down the aisle in a dress at my daughter's wedding can be in any way acceptable?

"Richard, nobody will be 'prancing' down the aisle at the wedding. Martha and Ralph have been planning this for years - if you didn't have that stick up your ass and your eyes buried in the sand you would have known what your children were doing."

Silence reigned for some time; not often a mother speaks such words to her son.

"Dammit Richard, watch your blood pressure. Keep this up and you might not even be around for the wedding," warned Anna.

This was greeted with a stony silence.

"Breathe, little brother. Your blood doesn't work any better deprived of oxygen."

"Son, I'm sorry we have to throw you into the real world feet first like this, but you've been so damned wedded to your narrow, bigoted views that the rest of the world has moved on while you're stuck in the mud. Remember how you showed that old picture of Ralph and Martha in those beautiful dresses just before they went off to college? Well, if you had paid attention to your daughter and her cousin and not tried to shut out their friendship you would have known they have been dressing up together all their lives."

"Bullshit!"

"Well lookee there - my perfect brother can swear."

"Janet, I could have told you that," volunteered Anna. "He just doesn't swear when outsiders are present."

"Well, I can damn well get down with that shit." replied her sister-in-law.

"Children, shall we conduct this discussion on a slightly higher plane?"

"Aww Mo-o-o-m!" whined Janet.

"Behave yourself or Richard won't be the only one I'm mad at. Now Richard, just what is your objection to my grandchild being married in the way he has dreamed about since he was a child?"

"Mother, you just said it. He is a boy. Boys do not wear dresses. It's unnatural and perverted."

So Scotsmen in kilts and Pope Francis are unnatural and perverted? I know that the Pope has his detractors, but not many would go that far."

"That's not the same and you know it!"

"Of course I do, but you have to admit that a man wearing a garment with an open bottom is not perverted and unnatural all by itself."

"You're confusing the issue again, Mother. That picture you showed me of Ralph in a dress shows he's trying to be a woman. A man does not have breasts!"

"Tell that to a boy with gynecomastia. Ralph doesn't really have breasts, they're high-tech fakes. They look pretty real, though. There are tricks that can even let Mary have some cleavage. And the routine is to refer to her as Mary when she’s dressed.

"Mary!" The outrage coefficient climbed further "Cleavage!"

"Well, you could hardly expect Mary to compete with your daughter in that department, but her gown does have a scoop neck."

"Are you insane?"

"No, I'm living in a world where people are prone to do things that other people don't understand. A world where I'm happy to let others do what they like as long as it doesn't hurt me. Ralph looking like a woman simply doesn't hurt me, so while I don't understand it I will not condemn it."

"Little brother, if you'd get your head out of that echo chamber you live in you would find out that there are thousands of men who enjoy dressing as women. Tell me just how some man wearing a dress could possibly affect your life. Nobody's making you put on a dress, why the hell do you care if someone else does it?"

"Because it's just wrong," he spluttered while simultaneously going even more purple (as if that were possible) "It's not just anyone. It's my nephew at my daughter's wedding!"

"Which is being conducted exactly the way your daughter and her cousin want it to be conducted. They are adults and capable of making their own decisions, even ones you don't agree with. Son, you raise 'em and then you let 'em go. I don't like a lot of the things you believe, but Ron and I have learned to leave others to their otherness. The clothing that Ralph and Ruth wear at their ceremony is no concern of yours. That Ralph is willing to display his feminine side in public is no reflection on you. That your daughter accepts and cherishes Mary is proof of nothing except her big heart and her love for her cousin."

"Richard, he's my son and sometimes she's my daughter. I don't understand it, no more than I understand some of the views that you hold dear, but I will not try to control how any adult lives their life. I will offer advice when asked - and only when asked! - but I love my children and my family and even my stiff-necked little brother. If you screw up either my son's wedding or your own daughter's wedding you will have to answer to me."

"And your mother!"

"And your wife! And don't even think about beating me over the head with the bible. I'm up to here with this 'wives submit to your husband' crap. I love you, Richard. I went along with this asinine nonsense about how being left handed is a mark of the devil before I grew up enough to think for myself. Look what it has done to Wendy and Stephen. I will not let you ruin Martha or her wedding because of some silly prejudice about what men and women should be or do.

"I live in the twenty-first century even if you seem to be stuck in the dark ages. I am going to be there to cry when Martha gets married and I am going to be one of Mary's bridesmaids as well as mother-of-the-bride. I want you there with me, but if I have to I will be there all alone."

"Anna!"

"I told you not to 'Anna' me! I'm taking Mary's example and going to live my life the way I want to live it, not how some centuries old misogynist tells me I should live it. After this wedding is over I am going to find a marriage counselor. If you don't come with me then that's up to you, but if you want this marriage to survive then things have to change."

"Anna!"

"I told you not to Anna me. Mom, Janet, I'm sorry you had to go through this, but this has got to be said."

"Like I said - I'm not going to give advice unless asked, but if my son does not walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding you will have more than an angry wife to cope with. You can believe what you wish, but your actions will ruin my grandchildrens' wedding! C'mon, Janet. I think we need to let these two be by themselves.

Janet

Safely in the car I turned to my mother and asked "Mother, did Anna just tell off my stick-in-the-ass brother? The alleged 'master of the household' because god says so?"

"She surely did. I wasn't ready for the world to end just before the wedding."

"I'm not so sure about the end of the world, but for a moment there she was the woman I hung out with before Harry and Richard went off to play soldier."

"Perhaps with her oldest flying the coop she's reverting to her early life. She's been so into this 'obedient wife' crap for so long that I had pretty much forgotten she once had a temper."

"Ever since she's been at college, Martha has reminded me of how Anna was when we were teenagers back in the stone ages. That girl has her father's confidence but not his rigidity."

"She has turned out to be a lovely woman. So has Mary, for that matter, even if I still have a hard time processing that one."

"It took me a while, too. Harry and I were worried that living with Martha might cause Ralph to do some really stupid things with his crossdressing, but as far as I can tell he's managed to balance both sides of his personality. It's funny how I can talk to Mary about things that I would have a hard time discussing with Ralph."

"Did she tell you about the chopstick incident?"

"She made it sound funny, but it was still my daughter being attacked by a bunch of drunks. When you read those stories about T-people being beaten or killed any parent would be concerned, but someone as big as Ralph - or Mary - doesn't really invite some coward to attack. Even in High School, Ralph never had any problems being bullied because he was a nerd."

"Martha got lots of verbal crap, but as far as I know she never had anyone physically accost her. Of course her grandmother might not be in all the gory details."

"I'm sure Anna would have told me. We aren't as close as we once were, but we still talk a lot."

"I'm glad to hear it, she needs someone to vent with."

"I can't really say she vents with me, but I'm going to try to be there so she has some support while things change with Richard."

"Thus speaks the social worker."

"Can't speak any other way, Mom."

"I suppose not. To change the subject, this is going to be one of the more interesting weddings I've been to. Did you know that your father has been on line looking for a wizard's staff?"

"What???"

"He seems they all have taken to heart a joke someone made at the planning session. Someone commented the wedding already had a giantess and a hobbit so it would be appropriate to have a wizard doing the ceremony. Your father is a computer wizard, you know."

"Considering the degree of fantasy involved already, it makes perfect sense. Do wizards wear tie-die?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. He still has his Mr Spock ears from college."

"I know, he's showed them to me."

"Actually, Ralph and Martha think it would be a hoot to have grandpa dressed in flowing white robes. Make for an impressive ceremony."

"What about poor Ruth and Artur?"

"If Anna can love Richard despite his foibles, then those two can love their slightly wacky grandfather."

"
Slightly wacky? I'd love to see that picture on the cover of Parenting Magazine!

"We are an unusual family, aren't we?"

"Now that I think of it, I bet Terri would love to be an elf maiden - she just loves Galadriel. That girl will break all the men's hearts that the brides leave intact."

"Better run that by Ralph - or better yet Ruth."

"Of course. Now, Artur is a computer wizard as well, I wonder if he would be interested…"

David

"Hi Ruth," I said.

"Hi yourself. What's up?"

"What are you guys doing for music at the wedding?"

"We have a DJ that Martha knows."

"Have you ever considered having some live music?"

"Ah, I see. Could this have anything to do with the squeals and squawks I've heard from your bedroom?"

"That's low, Ruth!"

"Unlike your squeals and squawks? Penetrating, I'd say."

"I wasn't going to mention hearing some squeals and squawks from your bedroom, but now you've mentioned penetrating…"

"Uh, can we change the subject?"

"Fine with me."

"I assume that this is leading up to something."

"Yeah. We've got a five piece band together and would like to play at the wedding."

"And you're the sax player?"

"That and the harp."

"Harp? Aren't those things a bit big to tote around. I mean you can carry a sax in one hand but a harp?"

"Not that kind of harp - a mouth harp. Harmonica."

"I get it now. Sorry, I'm not that much into musical instruments beyond an MP3 player."

"That means less competition for us in trying to get a gig."

"And you're trying to get a gig from me - uh us. I assume you aren't talking gigabyte here?"

"No wonder you and Ralph are getting married - your humor is almost as bad as his."

"I guess I'll have to try harder. So David, what kind of music do you guys play?"

"Mostly jazz, a little blues, some fifties and sixties rock - the kind where a sax was a rock instrument. And we've been rehearsing lots of wedding crap."

"So you want to play crappy music at our wedding? How thoughtful!"

"Consider it a wedding present. No, really - if you're into rock then most wedding music is crap, but if you like jazz or the old as the hills stuff like grandpa then it isn't so bad."

"So the big question - you guys any good?"

"We think so. My girl Kym is lead vocalist and she's really good."

"Oh-ho! Can you make her squeal like a sax?"

"A great musician is at home on many instruments, Ruth."

"And a sax player has a very facile tongue."

"Will you cut that out!"

"You started it, bucko."

"And I'll let Ralph finish it. Jeez! Can we get back to music?"

"We'd have to hear you guys play before we can answer."

"We're getting together Sunday afternoon. Come and listen. We rehearse at Kym's place, it's only a couple of blocks away."

"You're on. I'll tell Ralph and call Martha. This is her last week of student teaching so she'll be back home by the weekend. Funny - I really do think of your house as home."

"Too bad you aren't my sister - you're a lot more fun than Terri."

"Watch it, buster. I'll tell Terri and she'll kick you someplace that will have you squealing."

Artur

"Martha?"

"You have that look on your face again, Artur."

"I think it may be permanent. Is it too late for us to elope?"

"Cold feet?"

"Overheated brain. How did marrying you get to be so complicated?"

"It sure is different from the simple weddings Ralph and I had when we were kids."

"If you tell me you were the groom I think my head will explode."

"Wait until I can get some paper towels - or maybe a turban."

"Really? You were the groom?"

"Sometimes. After all, if it was Mary in the dress then she needed a groom. Made sense back then."

"If it weren't for meeting you, sometimes I wish I had gone into some other field and never met Ralph. Life would be simpler."

"But far less entertaining. My father hasn't said a word to me for the last few days and Mom is - I don't know what Mom is doing, but she sure has had it with Dad's crap."

"Does that mean we have divorce ceremony before the marriage ceremony? It would fit right in."

"Not a chance. Neither one of them believes in divorce. Problem is, Dad is into this 'man is the head of the household' shit. Negotiations are not his strong suit."

"And that's another thing, speaking of suits! Your crazy grandpa is going to wear wizard's robes and thinks I should too. I'd rather be a troll or an orc. Lots of leather and spikes and a big pointy spear."

"You must be getting horny if all you can think of is staffs and spears. Dr Freud, we have a new patient for you."

"I think I'm being remarkably patient."

"Which nicely illustrated why my abstinence-only sex education was such a failure."

"I have no complaints about your sex… education."

"Here's a lesson for you. If you're wearing pointy things on leather you aren't going to get near my tender body until you take them off."

"I should complain if you want me to take my clothes off?"

"With your clothes off you'd be mistaken for a dwarf."

"Well, they like lots of leather and gold chains and such. Might not be too bad."

"Stick with the wizard's robes. You'd look cute. Midnight blue with some tasteful stars would look good on you. I know grandpa just found a beautiful polished walnut wizard's staff, but since your staff is already good enough for me you wouldn't need another one."

"A lot of good it does me while we're pretending we haven't been sleeping together for the last four years. I like your grandparents, but I'd rather be staying with you."

"Only another week, lover. Think of the energy you'll have saved up for the honeymoon."

"Only if they let me out of the loony bin in time. You really think I'd look good in midnight blue?"

"Why not? A tux would be out of place in this circus. Of course, you'll have to explain to my parents."

"And my parents. They've sort of gotten used to Mary, how much trouble could another man in a dress cause?"

"Honey, you're going to find out!"

"One thing, love. I'm not going to wear a bra!"

Artur

"Hi Mom."

"Artur! I'm so glad you called!"

"I need to fill you in some of the wedding plans."

"Oh?"

"I think I've fallen in with bad companions, Mom."

"Well good for you, darling! I just hope they've been able to get you away from that darn computer."

"I think you can say they have, Mom."

"So what are you and Martha up to?"

"More like Martha and her grandfather and her cousin."

"Are they ganging up on my little boy?"

"They sure are!"

"You want we should send over Uncle Quinn and Aunt Bridie to balance things out?"

"NO! Things are crazy enough already! Those two would only gang up with Martha's relatives and it would really get out of hand."

"I thought you said Martha's father was a conservative SOB."

"He is, but he's the only one in the family."

"Having met cousin Mary I hesitate to imagine what that family would consider unusual."

"Well, both she and Ruth are going to wear wedding dresses."

"Artur, you aren't trying to tell me you will be wearing a wedding dress, too?"

"No! I had to draw the line somewhere."

"So just where did you draw the line, if you won't be sporting an A-line dress?"

"You know Martha's Grandpa Ron will be doing the ceremony?"

"Artur, you're changing the subject."

"Not really, Mom. They've decided he will be Gandalf the White and wearing his full robes of the office."

"Does he look anything like Ian McKellen?"

"Actually, he does bear a resemblance, but his beard is nowhere near as impressive. Besides, I don't think Gandalf was as partial to tie-dye as Grandpa Ron."

"Artur, you are not going to walk down the aisle in bare, hairy feet so you can be a hobbit!"

"Relax, Mom. I have some spectacular midnight blue wizard's robes I'll be wearing."

"You were setting me up for that, Artur."

"Damn straight!"

"Damn sneaky, you mean."

"Sneaky is a required class at wizarding school. Just so you know, I have some tasteful yellow stars on my robes."

"I shudder to think how yellow stars can be considered tasteful. You have any more little bombs to drop before the wedding, son?"

"No bombs - Gandalf was into fireworks, though."

"While I was watching my little boy grow up and dreaming of his wedding, somehow this scenario just never occurred to me."

"Me neither! I told you, I've fallen in with bad companions."

"Nonsense! Martha is a lovely lady and I'm sure her family is just as nice. Crazy, but I like crazy."

"Tell me that again when we stick you with babysitting."

"Artur! You didn't get her pregnant, did you?"

"Just preparing you for future contingencies. No, it won't be a shotgun wedding. But that's not why I called."

"There's more? Don't tell me you're moving the wedding to the World Fantasy Convention so it won't be so out of place? That isn't until Halloween, anyway."

"I never thought of that! Let me give Martha a call."

"Don't you dare!"

"OK, we won't move the wedding. Actually, with the whole Tolkien thing I was thinking little Sam would make a wonderful ring bearer."

"Sam the ring bearer! How delightful."

"I suppose we'll have to talk to Grandpa Ron about a suitable costume. Why should I be the only one embarrassed?"

"I'm sure your sister would be happy to go along. Too bad she didn't name him Frodo, it would have been perfect."

"Mother, you hung me with a name and forgot to include the "H" and I paid for it all through school Don't even think of doing something like that to your grandchild and my nephew."

"Artur is a perfectly good Celtic name."

"I know that now, but tell that to the bullies in grade school."

"Was it really that bad?"

"Not horrible. 'What doesn't kill you' and all that.

"I suppose it was good training for the comments you'll get for the wedding. 'Look! The groom forgot his tux so he put on a dress! Isn't that sweet?' "

"It's not like anyone is going to be surprised, Mary has been out of the closet for the last four years. Other than the 'chopstick incident' living with Mary and Ruth has been a lot of fun."

"I bet living with Martha is a whole lot more fun."

"I wasn't going to mention that."

"What, you think I'm a prude? Your father and I shared a bed for two years before we tied the knot. At least these days there shouldn't be any comments about the brides wearing white when they're not virgins."

"You'd have a better chance of finding a virgin on an airline than at Anonymous State."

"Thank god for that. That whole pure and untouched bit is downright stupid. As if you could wear it out."

"We're trying, mom."

"It won't happen. Your dad and I have been at it for a few decades and everything still works fine."

"TMI, Mom. TMI!"

"You don't still think the stork brought you, do you."

"I think we've figured that one out. Anyway, now you know what's happening on the wedding scene."

"I think your father will be disappointed you didn't pick Harry Potter for the wedding theme, though."

"We'll have to send our kids to Hogwarts."

"Artur!"

"Bye, Mom. Say hi to Dad for us."

Ralph

This whole wedding thing was getting out of hand. Not that I was having second thoughts about marrying Ruth, but it seemed like the entire world had gone crazy.

OK, this from a man who was going to wear a white, lacy dress to get married. I appreciate the irony, believe me. My grandpa was going to do the ceremony in wizard's robes, my little sister was playing elf and Artur was twitting me about being an orc. Since when did we invite Tolkien to the wedding?

Oh, yeah - Uncle Bastard was doing his best to be a troll because I was wearing a dress.

Then there were the two videographers and one more taking still pictures and Artur's Mom had insisted that there be single use digital cameras on all the tables. No way we were going to forget this wedding. Grandma's been muttering about hoping she'll go senile so she doesn't have to remember.

As if that wasn't enough, my psycho little brother has talked Ruth into listening to his garage band because he wants to play at the wedding. That may be the craziest part of the whole business.

The time had finally arrived and we cornered my little brother in his room - I think he has been avoiding me for some reason.

"OK Dave, I want to know just what you have on my beloved that she's been blackmailed into listening to you and your buddies try to make music."

"You wound me, big brother! If you don't know your beloved has an innate sense of fair play - an attribute that I have failed to note in your own constitution - then I would recommend some serious counseling before you tie the knot. She is obviously open to the finer things in life, such as the dulcet melodies of the Marmoset Quintet, the band that doesn't monkey around."

"Keep that up and I'm gonna puke in the bell of your sax!"

"I shall remain mute, big brother."

"Ruth? Remember this moment - it won't last long. You're driving, let's get Martha and get this over with."

 

We didn't go very far after picking up my cousin and pulled up in front of - you guessed it - a garage containing a garage band. Duh! Inside there was a drum kit, mics, wires, speakers and suchlike and four people in the garage. Four female people, although considering my own predilections I might be wrong about that. I began to understand my little brother's interest in music.

Our arrival was greeted by a drum roll and a jazzy riff with a nice piece of scatting. The scatter was a pixie of a woman (she'd fit right in with the fantasy wedding theme) with Asiatic features, long, dark hair and deep black eyes. This had to be Kym, the one who had captured my brother's heart. Why is it we ceiling-scrapers seem to pick the vertically challenged for romance?

"David, David, David!" I admonished. "You do know what happens in the stories I read when there is only one guy in the band?"

"I don't read that crap, big brother."

"You're in for a surprise, brother-in-law to be," crowed Ruth. "Invariably and inevitably the poor, benighted male will become convinced that he must become a she to blend in with the obviously superior females in the group. You haven't got a chance, poor boy."

"When pigs fly! I can't believe he has you reading that crap."

At that point Kym started flapping her arms and crying "Oink! Oink! Oink!" This was quickly followed by the others and a flock of flying pigs were soon dancing around my little brother. I could get to like these girls!

"You're going to pay for this, Ralph," threatened Dave.

"Put it on our tab, cousin," smirked Martha. "It should nicely balance what we'll charge you for renting a bra and a dress from Mary. We can cut you a deal on a pair of chopstick-deflated falsies if you ask nicely. Too bad you can't borrow the clothes from your girlfriend, we could probably work something out if you are properly humble."

"So what Dave's been telling me is true?" Kym looked at me. "You really dress like a woman?"

"She sure does!" replied Ruth. Looks pretty good too, if a bit out-sized."

"Martha taught me everything I know, we're known as the girlzilla twins around campus."

"And I thought Dave was weird."

"Then you haven't introduced her to grandpa Ron, I take it?"

"I love the man!" gushed Kym. "I can't wait to see what happens when he meets my grandfather. They'll both talk your ear off with long, funny stories, maybe both ears when they get going."

"Maybe we should invite him to the wedding, more free entertainment."

"Speaking of entertainment," cut in Dave, "We were supposed to let you hear the band play."

"So we were. If you ladies can stand to play with this chauvinist pig in your midst, let's hear what you sound like."

So they all went to their places while Dave took his sax out of the case and started doing odd things with the reed. Not being very musical, I had no idea what he was doing, but he obviously did.

I had been away from my family for the last four years, so I really hadn't really realized that Dave had become serious about music. He never said much about it while I was home for visits, but some questions to Dad let me know he really was serious.

"OK ladies," spoke Dave, "Lets do the theme we worked out for Mary when she walks down the aisle. A-one and a-two and a-three!"

With a long and soulful note on the sax the buggers started to play the Kink's Lola. I should have known that Dave would get even with me for the girl group business.

 

I met her in a club down in North Soho

Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola

C-O-L-A cola

 

Actually, they weren't bad and Dave surprised me by how good he was on that sax. By the time they were halfway through the song Ruth and I were dancing in the driveway. Did I mention that Ruth had taught me to dance since that first party in our freshman year? Actually, I found I liked dancing; we had gotten pretty good together and the band gave us a round of applause when they finished.

"All right Dave - play something slow so I can dance with your big brother," Kym commanded.

"Careful, darlin', he's a fast worker."

"Mind if I steal your fiancee, Ruth?"

"Be my guest."

"That calls for Elvis, girls," called Dave. "Just let me get my harp."

So I took hold of Kym, who fortunately was about the same size as Ruth, and we danced to Elvis' Can't Help Falling In Love With You. What I didn't expect to hear was Ruth and Martha singing the lyric while Dave played some really sweet harmonica around them. Then Kym started softly doing harmony in my ear as we danced.

Wow!

"Damn! You two are great! Too bad you're getting married or we'd love to have you sit in with us," enthused Kym.

"You're hired, ladies and alleged gentleman, even if you won't wear a dress." I said.

"You ladies interested in spending some time with Kay and me to work out some four part harmonies? She's my usual vocal partner but I know we could really knock 'em dead if we worked out a couple of numbers. The four sisters from different mothers!"

"I'd like to meet daddy - how did he get a Mexican, a WASP, Asian and Irishwoman pregnant at the same time?"

"Must have been a sailor. You know - a girl in every port?"

"I'll have to ask Mom, but we live an awful long way from the ocean."

"Border patrol, then?"

"Them's fightin' words where I come from, pilgrim!" growled Ruth.

"Good god! It's a Mexican Jane Wayne!"

"Ladies, we've gone astray once more." Ralph interjected.

"Too bad Mary sings like a foghorn or she could join us."

"Foghorn! I resemble that remark!" I know I can't sing anywhere as well as Ruth - or anyone else for that matter.

So the girls put their heads together and found a time to harmonize, then the band did a couple of more numbers before we left them to their regular rehearsal.

As we drove home I realized that I was no longer quite so involved with my family. Part of growing up? I guess. How could I have not known how good a musician my little brother had become? How could I have missed his sweet girlfriend? I wouldn't change my life with Ruth for anything, but for every gain there is a loss.

"You're looking a little sad, lover."

"Just thinking about how things change as you grow up."

"What makes you think you're growing up?"

"Marrying you, starting a job even if they call it an 'internship,' starting our own family someday. I was just realizing how I've lost touch with my brother since I've been away. You're my family now, but I still have the family I came from."

"Just be glad you have a brother and a family who loves you and can accept you for what you are, not what they want you to be."

"You're right, but sometimes the changes smack me in the face."

"Hey! You're living with me, cousin," threw in Martha. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Don't remind the poor boy of chopsticks, Martha."

"Oops!"

"Sometimes being grown up sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but most of it is pretty good. I love you, Ruth."

"I love you too, Ralph. We're going to have a good life together.
 

To be continued…

Once again, My thanks to Alys for her help and advice!

Janet

"Harry, how long have we been married?"

"Is this a trick question? I didn't forget our anniversary, did I?"

"And when is our anniversary?"

"I knew it. It was a trick question."

"If I was interested in tricks I'd get a dog, darling."

"Or a lady of the night."

"Harry!"

"I can state with some certainty that we have been married for twenty-four years and a few months and our anniversary is commemorated on November 7 of each calendar year."

"And you did that without consulting the calendar in your smartphone. I'm impressed."

"I assume you have a followup question."

"You know me so well. In those twenty-four years and some months I think I have gotten to know you rather well."

"That wasn't in the form of a question."

"We're not on Jeopardy, although you might soon be in jeopardy if you don't behave."

"Then that was a preface to your question?"

"Correct. The question is: what the hell are you up to that has you running around with that shit-eating grin?"

"Me? Innocent little me?"

"Bullshit, Harry. You've been spending entirely too much time with my father."

"I want to feel closer to your family?"

"Yeah, after twenty odd years and some very odd months you suddenly get the urge for familial closeness just before the wedding. Sure, I buy that."

"I'll give it to you for free, my love."

"And worth every penny. Now what's going on?"

"Well, I'm feeling left out."

"Left out? As the father of one of the brides all you have to do is write the check and keep your mouth shut. Once you've done that you get to walk her down the aisle and let her go."

"I know that part, I'm feeling left out because everybody in this shindig is wearing a costume but me."

"Oh Lord - I shudder to think of what you and Dad have come up with."

"Actually, I was thinking maybe Treebeard."

"Harry!"

"I'm just trying to branch out."

"Listen, Richard is the one with a stick up his ass, we don't want sticks poking out of your fingers and toes."

"Then you'll be glad to know we decided I should be Tom Bombadil."

"Harry, aren't you forgetting something?"

"My memory isn't that bad yet. What do you think I'm forgetting?"

"Old Tom had a beard that would put Gandalf to shame. A brown beard. You can't even raise a decent goatee much less a fuzzy bush - something that our son seems to be profoundly grateful for.

"Details, details! The costume shop has fake beards, too."

"Have you thought this through? Summertime… hot weather… fuzzy beard… Pilgrim hat… tall leather boots? You'll roast."

"You're just stuck in reality - that's no fair!"

"And I suppose that would leave me to be Goldberry?"

"You do have the long yellow hair and I think you're as young and as ancient as spring."

"I also have my dress already and am not going to change at this late date. You can't be serious."

"Aren't you glad I'm not?"

"I spring about with joy in my step and a song in my heart."

"Sure you don't want to be Goldberry? That sounds just like her."

"Not a chance!"

"Well, if I ask Mary for some help maybe I can be Goldberry."

"You're really into this fantasy thing, aren't you?"

"When opportunity knocks a wise man answers."

"And how would that affect you? You don't have any knockers."

"I could always choose another fantasy. Game of Thrones - Winter is Coming! That would take care of the summer heat."

"No way - too many naked women in that one for my taste. Poor Mary wouldn't stand a chance."

"Yeah, and just about everybody gets killed sooner or later. Not a good omen for a wedding, especially that Red Wedding stuff."

"Couldn't you just wear a suit?"

"I'd hate to bear any resemblance to Richard. You know damn well he's going to wear one even if everybody else there is in T-shirts and shorts."

"Poor man! I wonder what he'll do when he sees Anna's dress."

"Oh?"

"Arwen would be right at home wearing it. Red challis, lots of lace and a neckline that will make even Martha jealous."

"And you're trying to tell me I'm going too far! She's wearing a dress made of compressed mud?"

"C-H-A-L-L-I-S, Harry, not S-H-A-L-E. Derived from the Anglo-Indian shallee, which means 'soft.' You haven't shown any interest in what I'm going to be wearing."

"That's easy for you to say. Do I get a veto like you did my choice?"

"Not a chance. Since Martha and Mary are wearing pretty much the same dress we mothers decided we should match, too. Anna's in red and I'm in blue."

"And I'm green with envy."

"It's still not too late for you to wear a dress, too."

"Is there some sort of conspiracy to get all the guys into skirts for this wedding?"

"Would a tunic count as a skirt in your mind?"

"Ask Robin Hood - or better Mel Brooks. Men in skirts is only a step away from men in tights."

"As in what Tom Bombadil wears. Can the costume shop come up with the outfit soon enough?"

"Your father should be giving me a call any time now."

"Harry!"

Ralph

"Are you serious, Mom? We're going to do what?"

"Anna has been feeling a bit left out of the whole wedding madness, so she's offered her place for all the women to get dressed."

"All the women?"

"Including those that think they're women for the purposes of walking down the aisle."

"And what will she do with Uncle Richard while this is going on?"

"Really, what can we do with my brother?"

"Are you asking for suggestions?"

"No! Thankfully, the menfolk have agreed to entertain Richard here while we don our gay apparel at Anna's place."

"Careful Mom! Such things can be misinterpreted under the circumstances."

"That would be lesbian, not gay. Get your terminology straight."

"Straight, gay, lesbian. This is getting confusing."

"Remember just who decided to walk down the aisle in a dress before you talk about confusion."

"Maybe I should have listened to myself when I told you about how making fantasies come true mostly doesn't work out."

"At least you aren't pulling another fast one on Ruth's parents this time."

"Speaking of Ruth's mother, I understand it's traditional for all the women in the wedding to help each other get dressed. As in taking off their clothes in the same room?"

"That is traditional."

"Uh, Mom - do you see any problems when that happens with me in the room?"

"Ruth's seen you and so have I. Do you realize that Anna and Cecilia are a mite curious about how you create your illusions?"

"There's an old saying: Curiosity killed the cat. I'm too young to die!"

"There will be no cattiness among friends."

"That's a relief. Just what I've been hoping to do - see my aunt and my mother-in-law in their underwear. Or worse - without their underwear!"

"Just be glad your uncle isn't aware - of what will be happening."

"But are Aunt Anna and Ruth's mother aware of what will be happening?"

"Are you afraid you'll be turned on by a middle aged woman in her underwear."

"My brain hurts! My poor, naive aunt may have a surprise coming."

"She is a fine looking woman, I suppose."

"As is her sister-in-law. This is getting truly weird! But what about Ruth's mom?"

"How long has Cecelia known who Mary really was?"

"Uh, since I proposed to Ruth…"

"And you're still standing and all your normal appendages remain attached?"

"Last time I checked."

"Which means, Cecelia understands Mary has one more appendage than is normally issued to a woman."

"I haven't asked her, if that's what you want to know."

"But she's had almost four years to get used to the idea, correct."

"Correct."

"I don't think you realize how taken she is with Mary. She tells me that you're a remarkable woman."

"That's one way to put it!"

"We've done a lot of talking lately, I rather like her. As long as we stay away from politics and religion we truly enjoy each other. In fact, she's the one who suggested all us ladies get together so we can get to know each other. And yes, she considers Mary a lady."

"You've talked to Ruth?"

"She just gets this big, shit-eating grin on her face when she thinks about it."

"You should have seen her the first time I did the cleavage thing after I got the new falsies. She about laughed herself to death."

"Aren't you glad I was able to control myself at the fitting?"

"And I thank you for that. I think I've found a way to do it without becoming a mummy under my bra. Please tell me that the rest of you will be wearing your lingerie before we get to Aunt Anna's. Whatever else happens, I'm not sure I want to see my mother with it all hanging out."

"Just so long as you put on your gaff thingy beforehand. You don't want us to see you letting it all hang out!"

"Alright Mom, if that's the way you want it that's the way we'll do it. Just take my hand and guide me around if I have to keep my eyes closed for a while."

Ennis Zentz (Artur's father)

"You've been awfully quiet so far, Richard."

"I suppose I have."

"For someone who's about to have his daughter married it seems a little off."

"Isn't this whole farce more than a little off?"

"Well, it does have its unusual aspects."

"Unusual? The whole lot of them have gone crazy with some insane fantasy! My own father thinks he's a minister and wizard, my nephew is prancing around in a dress, my daughter is ignoring me and my wife is telling me to shut up and stop being an ass."

"And my son is wearing blue robes with stars on them and marrying into your family. I hesitate to imagine what their children will be like when they get around to it."

"Ennis, how did we let this happen?"

"I don't think anyone put either of us in charge. You raise 'em the best you can and then let them live their own lives."

"But…"

"But me no buts, Richard. We have a long tradition of non-traditional weddings in our family. Trini's umpty-great-grandmother was a mail order bride for a prospector in the California gold rush. Her grandmother was Spanish and married an Englishman. My Irish grandfather brought home a Japanese woman from WWII. Trini and I eloped and were married by a renegade Catholic priest. Artur is happily continuing the family tradition from where I see it."

"I don't know, Ennis. You have a fine son and we're pleased to have him in the family, but I just can't be comfortable with how everyone is treating the sacrament of marriage."

"Ah, so there's where the trouble lies. I realize you're a religious man, Richard, and I know it can be hard to accept the beliefs of others. I was raised a Catholic, and a Catholic I will remain until my dying day even if I lost my faith years ago. I still find myself reaching in my pocket for a rosary in times of stress even though I haven't owned one since I was a boy. For that matter, my mother's first question when Artur told her about Martha was 'Is she a good Catholic girl?' Religion has a profound influence over us."

"And Martha outright refused to let Reverend Stroud perform the ceremony. I know my father is legally a 'minister' but all he did was write a check to some phony church and he was 'ordained.' It's just not right!"

"Richard, I'm an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church myself, although I never performed a ceremony for anyone. I did it as a joke in college, but as a lawyer I can tell you that I am legally - if not theologically - ordained. I know that neither Martha or Artur shares your faith, so all we can do as parents is support our children and let them know we love them. Be happy for them, Richard, don't let your doubts ruin their happiness. Believe me, they know you don't approve of marriage outside your faith, but it's your faith and not theirs."

"I'll try, Ennis, but I feel like I'm abandoning the Lord if I don't try to do something."

"I think we've both missing something in this discussion, Richard."

"What could we be missing?"

"Love, my friend. Love. Our children are in love with each other. For me and Trini that counts more than anything else. Martha and Artur are head-over-heels in love with each other. They've been together for four years now, there's no doubt of that love."

"Four years of living in sin!"

"Richard, there is no sin involved. None whatsoever. Martha and Artur do not believe as you do. There is no sin in their eyes, nor can you assign sin under your beliefs to anyone else."

"There is only one God and under his laws what they are doing is a sin. They may ignore it, but they are still sinning under God's laws."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Richard. We will have to agree to disagree, I can no more accept your religion than you can accept mine. I only ask you do not try to destroy the happiness of our children because you disagree with their beliefs. Let their love be the thing that shines forth, becomes the first priority for all of us. I do believe that even Jesus commanded that his followers live by love."

"You're twisting his words."

"I would have thought they were pretty clear. 'A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.' Not much to twist in that one. Not only do they love each other, but they are in love with Ralph and Ruth in their own way as well. I can't think of a finer way to show their love than by committing themselves to each other before their friends and family.

"Just think about it, Richard. We're going to be family together for many years to come, let's start out with love and build our lives from there. We'll all live happier lives that way, and our children's happiness depends on it."

Grandpa Ron

"OK, listen up, people. We only have an hour before we have to be out of here when the people who have paid to rent this place arrive, so let's get this show on the road."

We were at the Roundhouse, site of the wedding, to try and figure out who would be where and when. Not too bad at a normal wedding, but with two couples, some creative costuming and a glowering father-of-the-bride it was going to be a bit tricky keeping things from descending into chaos.

"This will be theatre in the round, so it gets tricky. As you can see, there are four entrances, so each of our principals, along with their maids or men, will be waiting at their own entrance. The DJ will be playing some musical mush to keep people from fleeing in terror until everything is ready. Then Little David will play on his harp to start the show off."

"Not the harp, grandpa - the sax."

"Details, details! You can be the pied piper for all I care, just get their attention. The live band takes over from the DJ while we proceed down the aisles."

"Got it covered, gramps."

"Now usually the supporting cast walks down the aisle with that silly hesitation step, but we need to just plain walk nice and easy to keep things moving with all the people involved in a double wedding. Besides, I understand Richard has a problem with prancing Nancyboys, so that might keep him happy."

That got a laugh, as intended. Well, all except for Richard, to no one's surprise.

"We'll rotate clockwise and when the one before you gets halfway down to the center the next one starts out. We do that until we run out of bridesmaids and/or groomsmen, at which time Artur starts down the aisle. David tells me that they have selected a theme for each of the principals, so each one gets to listen to their theme until it's finished."

"Little brother," announced Mary, "If you play Lola again you're dead meat."

"Relax, big sister," he responded, "we'll play it straight."

"You'd better," I continued. "David, you'll be last and go down the aisle, blowing your own horn so to speak. Make sure you have your instrument stand up here so you have a place to put it during the ceremony."

"Since we've cocked up the whole bride-groom thing, Martha and Artur's attendants will form a line on my right, Ruth and Mary's attendants match them on my left. When David gets down here the band plays Martha's theme and Richard, you escort her to the scene of the crime. We continue until all three brides are given away, leaving poor Artur to make the journey solo."

"One change here, grandpa," spoke up Artur. "Since you talked me into wearing that silly dress, I get to have my Mom and Dad give me away."

"I'm sure they've wanted to many times in the past."

"You've got that right, Ron," responded Artur's mother.

"I gave mine away but she didn't take the hint and I ended up with a passel of grandkids. Let that be a lesson to you kids getting married."

"Dad, you're an old fraud!" called out Janet. Richard just glowered. Sometimes I wish I could have given him away. I just hoped he wouldn't queer the wedding; my grandchildren deserve better.

"I am not old, daughter."

"But you are a fraud."

"A card-carrying charter member of the union. We only have half an hour left, so let's get crackin'. We go down the line reciting your pledge to your partner and the brides shuffle their rings. Then I go down the line and do the 'repeat after me' bit, you repeat and I pronounce you married, avoiding the use of 'man and wife' like the plague."

"Richard, be quiet!" Anna wasn't quiet in response to Richard's muttering.

"David picks up his sax and plays you out, Galadriel here flings her rose petals down the path and the happy couples follow her to start the reception line as the supporting cast exits behind them and you're married. Now, places everyone! The band is playing and a-one and a-two and a…

Anna

"Richard, be quiet! I think the rehearsal went off just fine."

"Wizards! My father thinks he's a wizard and you think that's fine?"

"At least he isn't trying to be a troll like his son. Richard, the world will not change to make you feel comfortable in your little walled-off corner. People have fun in the real world, they actually enjoy themselves and don't always do it the way it was always done just because they're afraid of change."

"Getting married is serious, it's a sacrament. My crazy father is treating it like a circus. This phony church that ordained him just isn't real!"

"Welcome to America, Richard, where we don't tell you what kind of religion is real or not. It's just as real as the Methodists or the Catholics or the Sikhs what-have-you. When he says they're married, they're married!"

"So it's technically legal, but it isn't right!"

"It's our daughter's choice, she gets to have the ceremony she wants. I think it's very sweet she's sharing the ceremony with Ralph, they've always been so close."

"And Ralph is wearing a dress! Anna, we'll be the laughingstock of the community."

"That's what's really bothering you, isn't it Richard? You think that Martha and Ralph's choices will reflect badly on you. I have news for you, husband. Martha is an adult woman and gets to make her own choices, just like you get to make your own. What she believes and chooses does not make you any wiser or any more foolish.

"I said it before and I'm saying it again: things are going to change and I expect you to be there with me for marriage counseling. This can't go on."

"We don't need any head-shrinker telling us how to be married. The Bible tells…"

"No it doesn't Richard. I've been your wife for a long time and listened to you and the pastor for many years. I have come to wonder just how those patriarchal old men can be so damn sure I'm no more than an appendage to your masculinity. I love you but I'm a person in my own right and I will make my own decisions."

"Anna!"

"Don't 'Anna me, Richard. I’m keeping count and that's at least three times recently. This wedding has brought our problems to the front and I am not going to sweep them under the rug any longer. If you screw up our daughter's wedding I will never forgive you. The only tradition you will respect is that the bride's parents pay for the shindig, after that the bride and groom make their own choices."

"What's happened to you, Anna? How can you…"

"I've stopped being a rug to be walked on. I'm not about to burn my bra and scream about being a liberated woman like some of Linda's friends, but I have started to start think for myself. Get used to it, Richard."

Janet

"Harry, you have got to be kidding!"

"If I am I don't get the joke."

"Look at this… this… obscenity!"

"Paper plates, napkins streamers, balloons - all in nice, bright primary colors. If they had the Hustler girl of the month on them I might think they were obscene, but I don't get it."

"Harry, I clearly told the caterer we wanted pastels. The woman must have lost her mind! How could you have accepted this trash from her?"

"Easily. She handed me a paper and I signed it."

"But you knew we were using pastels."

"Janet, I'm but a poor, benighted male. I am genetically unable to differentiate between any but the primary colors."

"Nonsense! If you could correctly call my brother's bald spot carnelian then you can tell the difference between red and pink!"

"Hoist on me own petard!"

What the devil is a petard got to do with this obscenity."

"Neglecting that I used a common cliche, a petard is a small bomb from sixteenth century France. If you are a screwup, you get hoist on your own petard, usually in several unpleasant chunks."

"You're perfectly right! I need one of those petards for the damn caterer. [In a much louder voice] Mary! Get down here! Now!"

"Once again, my dear spouse, you're doomed to disappointment. I fear that Ralph is in residence at the present time."

"Keep it up with the sarcasm, buster, and you'll need a new residence."

"Son, I fear your mother is becoming unhinged as the wedding approaches. I shall beat a hasty retreat and leave you to continue with the grand strategy for the affair."

"Out!"

"Good luck, son. I'm gone!"

"Hey Mom, isn't it the bride that's supposed to be nervous before the wedding? You trying to swipe my job?"

"I'll swipe you, you crossdressing… I'm calm. Tell me I'm going to be calm and relaxed, will you?"

"Of course. You're going to be calm and relaxed. Deep breaths, Sweet fresh air in, bad thoughts out with the wind."

"Look in the boxes, Ralph."

"Mmmm… Tell me you aren't planning a circus instead of a wedding. Please!"

"I am working on being calm. I will not think of the colorblind idiot who is catering your wedding."

"Mmmm. I have a friend at school who attends costume parties as the Colorblind Wizard. Wonderful robes of green, orange and violet checks about three inches across and one of those flashy LED things you get on the fourth of July. Since he would fit right in with the wedding theme we could invite him and he could just zap all this stuff and make it pastels."

"I'm calling Anna. We'll go shopping right now to get the right supplies and then at the wedding we will shove all this stuff up her… uh, into her van and return it."

"Sounds more practical than my idea. Should I come along?"

"Why not? You're the bride, after all."

"I shall go incognito, as I don't think you have the patience for me to go as Mary."

"Another wise choice on the part of the bride. Lets go!"

Ruth

"Whew! That was quite a workout!"

"Better than paying for a gym membership."

"Your aunt really has an eye for decorating, the roundhouse is positively festive now."

"Our family has a touch with that sort of thing."

"I know. I've been to your aunt's place before."

"And will be again, very soon. You take a shower first while I lay out the clothes."

"Good idea. Kym was a big help this morning. She was absolutely fearless climbing up to stick on the streamers."

"My brother seems to have picked a good one. I wouldn't be surprised to be attending another wedding next year."

"Neither would I. I've really enjoyed singing with her and the girls. I think we're going to wow them at the reception."

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Direct from Vegas for your listening pleasure… Ruth and the Bridesmaids!"

"Vegas is where you go for a divorce, let's be careful here. Besides, Kym is the one who deserves top billing. That girl can sing!"

"And my brother can really blow his own horn. Get in the shower or we'll be late."

 

"I hope you've been using moisturizer where you had all that tape. You still look a little irritated."

"I still have a 55 gallon drum in the garage. Need some?"

"Remember? I'm the little woman in this pair. I don't need industrial quantities of moisturizer to keep me glowing and beautiful."

"I'm glad we found those sticky cup things."

"You just want to show more tit than I can. Not hard as you have twice the acreage on your chest than I have."

"Yeah, just like a man - always have to go the competition one better."

"You're out of my weight class, darling, and don't even think of competing with your cousin. It would be embarrassing."

"Not a chance of winning that one!"

"So get started. In a few hours you'll be a married woman."

"And in a few minutes I will no longer have to be a mummy to look like a woman."

"You're confused again. Traditionally motherhood comes after the wedding, and that's my job anyway."

"And even though I will look like I have real tits they won't fool a baby."

"Guess they don't make maternity forms to go with maternity bras."

"Now there's an idea! Heated falsies with a temperature controlled compartment for formula so that Daddy can learn what Mommy goes through with the little tyke. Throw in a Bluetooth computer and you can record how much the sweet thing is eating at each meal on your smartphone. Think we could sell them on Amazon?"

"Amazons wouldn't need them, they come naturally equipped."

"There's always E-bay."

"Just stick the damn things on, already! You tried them out and they worked as well as wrapping yourself up like a mummy."

"Give me a minute to let the glue set."

"I wonder if real mummies used Elmer's glue on their bandages?"

"I don't think Elmer was around when the mummies were getting dressed."

"Well, we could always ask that guy who donated his body to be mummified."

"I don't think he's talking. Why are we talking about dead bodies while we're getting ready to be married?"

"Because I don't want to think about being in the same room with my mother, your mother and my aunt while we get dressed together."

"I think you're stuck. Your sticky things, that is - not being part of the ladies dress up club. Let me hook you together, then you can put on your bra."

"Do you have to put yours on?"

"Only if you don't want me falling out of my dress before I get to say 'I do'."

"How about 'let's do it!'?"

"After the ceremony, you busty babe."

"Think they'll hold long enough to dance with me at the reception?"

"Tell you what - let's test them before we go. If they don't let loose then we can shake and shimmy to the delight of our families."

"Don't press your luck, darling."

Anna

"Are you ready, Martha?"

"I hope so, Mom. You're sure Daddy won't come home early?"

"Your uncle and your soon-to be father-in-law have promised to keep him busy."

"Ruth's dad is in on the conspiracy?"

"I wouldn't go that far, but I think Ernesto is resigned to your cousin Mary. And Artur's father had a long talk with your father. I think we can put Richard into the 'resigned' category, too."

"And what about you, Mom. Ralph and I have been undressing around each other for ages, Are you going to be able to think of him as Mary when we're all undressing together?"

"I'm going to try, if only to be able to tell your father exactly what happened - after the fact!"

"You wouldn't!"

"Let's put it this way - it's a good thing you'll be off on your honeymoon so you won't hear him whimpering and whining tonight. For all he's pretty good in bed he still has a hard time talking about sex."

"TMI Mom!"

"Your Dad's feelings, exactly!"

"I talked to Wendy and she's still kind of grossed out. Too bad I couldn't have come up with a bonnet with blinders on it so she wouldn't have to look at Mary in the raw."

"I have to admit I wonder how she does it."

"I have to wonder why she does it. Taping herself up like that so she can show some cleavage looks pretty painful."

"Janet was telling me they got something new that does the job without a lot of tape."

"Now you have me interested. I haven't talked to Mary recently."

"I hear the doorbell, go call your sister."

 

"OK ladies, Martha picked up all the gowns and accessories and they're hanging on the rack over there. So let's get all start feeling the elephant in the room and see what you think of it. We all know who Mary is, so if you have doubts about changing with her in the room just let 'em out so we can thrash it to ribbons."

"I can tell you from personal experience it won't be all that exciting when she takes off her dress," offered Ruth.

"If she isn't all that exciting why are you getting married?" Wendy asked.

"Shall we say she has hidden qualities that attract me?"

"I certainly hope so!"

"What? The qualities or that they're going to stay hidden?"

"Both!" offered Cecelia. "I've seen her in her nightgown and I never guessed."

"If my Mom didn't get grossed out then you ladies should be perfectly safe."

"I didn't say I wasn't grossed out, Ruthie. I just never guessed."

"Your daughter was very persuasive when she invited me to your home."

"Now that I can believe!"

"Martha and Mary have spent a whole lot of time playing dress-up," Janet said. "They've never been less than ladies."

"Rather more than a lady, what?"

"Like I said, I enjoy her hidden qualities," smirked Ruth.

"I'll bet," frowned Cecelia.

"Sex happens, Mom."

"TMI Ruth," groaned Wendy.

"TMI?" asked Cecelia.

"Too Much Information. Everything has initials in the age of texting."

"If Mary's going to get her kicks out of watching a bunch of old women undressing then she's weirder than I thought. C'mon girls, let's get this show on the road."

With that she started to unbutton her blouse and we all followed suit. We might have been a bunch of old women, but we could still giggle like girls."

"Don't be afraid to look, ladies," offered Mary. It's all plastic and silicone in just the right places."

"How do you…" Cecelia trailed off in embarrassment.

"I used to have to wrap myself in surgical tape to squeeze myself together, but that was painful after a while. Now I use two of those stick-on bras to pull my pecs together."

"Why two?"

"I'm a big girl and it puts a lot of stress on the clips. Two of them helps keep me from separating."

"I bet they weren't thinking of that with those old 'lift and separate' bra commercials when they designed them!" laughed Linda.

"Huh?" asked Wendy, confused.

"Back when I was a girl," her grandmother answered, "bra makers decided that they could sell more bras if they advertised. The problem was, you couldn't use the word 'breast' on television. It hadn't been all that long since women had one enormous breast that went from one side to the other, like the nurses in the WWII movies.

"Some advertising genius came up with the slogan that their bra would lift and separate, but they didn't come out and say just what was being lifted, let alone separated. Didn't do me much good with my little-girl boobies, but it got Ron watching a lot more TV."

"Now that's mean, Mom. Dad watched your boobs much more closely than the TV!" crowed Janet.

"You were too young to notice."

"Wanna bet? I was watching my own boobs pretty closely around that time and hoping they would get bigger than yours."

"Mary, how did anyone figure out how to do something like that?" asked Wendy.

"You-tube! There are lots of videos that show how step-by-step."

You seem to be a step short yet."

"Right, now I need to insert my chicken fillets."

"Now that's just plain weird! Chicken fillets?"

"My breast forms, otherwise affectionately known as chicken fillets because that's about what they feel like."

"You'd better be very careful around the BBQ at the wedding!"

"You don't cook 'em, but you do use glue, so they won't come loose at the wrong time. They fill the cups nicely. I got the sticky bra at Target but I had to order the forms on-line after my last pair were deflated by a chopstick."

Janet had told me the chopstick story, but it was much funnier when Ruth and Mary told it. We were all laughing together by the time they were finished.

"We had to look pretty hard to find a bra that would hide the forms," said Ruth. "That was probably the hardest part. It had to cover just right."

"At least you don't have to get your bras from Omar the Tentmaker," groaned Martha.

"Lane Bryant works for me," Anna said.

"I have to order from the catalog," Martha replied. "The stores don't stock them that big."

"And I have to drive an hour and a half to get to a big city when I need a bra," complained Cecelia.

"Why don't you just order on-line?"

"We don't have a computer."

"My God!"

"Like I said, we live in a very small town."

"You could always order from the catalog."

"Small town again. The mailman is my cousin Pedro. It just wouldn't feel right having him handling my bras!"

"And here I taught my cousin how to handle a bra," laughed Martha.

"You're not quite hooked up, Janet. Hold still."

"Sit down, Mary. You're too tall for me to get this thing over your head."

"Martha, you need to call Omar. Your adjuster is almost ready to break."

"Damn! Let me run upstairs and get something else."

"Good thing you're here where you have some options."

"I was dithering about which bra I wanted to wear. Now I don't have to decide."

"Did Artur have an opinion?"

"His opinion is that I don't need a bra when he's around."

"I'd be afraid you'd smack him over the head with one of those babies!"

"There are situations…"

"As your sister said - TMI!"

"I'll be back."

"Mom, I love your dress!"

"Thanks, Ruthie. I always thought yellow was my color."

"If I wasn't the bride I'd love to be wearing lavender."

"Mary, would you zip me up?"

"Sure, Auntie. You can return the favor if I can get this thing to hang right."

"Let me help."

"Mom, is it legal if both brides borrow something from each other?"

"Only in Nebraska as far as I know."

"How do I find out?"

"Ask Ennis, will you Trini. He's a lawyer."

"He does corporate law; he avoids marital stuff and mutters things he can't say in court."

"Ooh, those heels look wicked on you, Ruth."

"Helps to get in kissing range when Grandpa does the 'you may kiss the bride' bit."

"Are you talking about me?" asked Martha as she entered wearing her replacement bra. "Think this one will do?"

"Artur will be drooling."

"Just watch out for his magic wand."

"I'll keep a close eye on it."

"Do you think Artur would be embarrassed if Martha picked him up for the kiss?"

"Some stairs would help, too bad the place is flat."

"Have you been working out, my little boy is a solid chunk."

"We've been practicing the kissing part. I have other ways of getting a workout without bench pressing him."

"I just bet you can't wait to be pressing something besides a bench."

"We've been working on that part, too."

"You won't have anything left to do on the honeymoon."

"We'll manage to think of something."

"Ruth, let's start on your hair. I'm so glad you let it grow, there's so much more we can do with it now."

"Don't get too crazy, mom."

"Mary, can I do your hair since I'm the only one here without a bride to fuss over?"

"If you can get past my Mom, Mrs Zentz.

"Call me Trini, dear. Just us girls here."

"Thanks, Trini."

"I'll content myself with Terri," offered Janet. "Have at it, Trini."

"Jeez Mom. You make me sound like the consolation prize."

"Hey, I want the boobie prize," grinned Mary. "Just be glad you come by your bra fillers naturally, it's much easier that way."

"I wouldn't go that far, Aunt Janet," moaned Martha.

"You did get a little over-enthusiastic, niece of mine."

"I don't think my son shares that opinion."

"He's mentioned it to me. You should have seen him the first time we went out together."

"The poor guy couldn't make up his mind whether he should be staring at your boobs or mine," Mary laughed.

"Especially since you didn't have any the day before."

"Mary, stop wiggling or you're going to get your hair mangled."

"Trini? Should we try and do something similar for both the girls?"

"Mary's hair is longer but we might come up with something."

"Hey, no fair! I've only been growing mine out for a couple of years," carped Ruth.

"You looked cute with that pixie cut."

"Yeah, but I felt too much like a pixie when I was out on a date with either Ralph or Mary."

"Must run in the family," said Mary.

"What?"

"Mamma Cecelia, the first time I met you I thought you looked like the fairy godmother in Cinderella, all pastel and poofy skirts."

"I guess Artur isn't the only one with a magic wand!"

"I leave that to your father, dear."

"Mother!"

"It's all this liberal company, it's corrupting me."

"I have to say I was surprised you were interested in doing this with me in the room," Mary said.

"I had to think about it, dear. Four years ago I wouldn't have agreed, but even I can see that Mary is just as real as Ralph. Old dogs can learn new tricks."

"What about Dad?" asked Ruth.

"Still in training."

"Obedience school?" quipped Linda. "Maybe you should enroll my son, Anna."

"Some old dogs are slower learners than others."

"Have you talked him out of wearing a three piece suit to the wedding?"

"We have all emphasized it's a casual wedding."

"Thank god that leisure suits are no longer in fashion."

"I've seen that picture of Grandpa Ron wearing one. Nobody can tell me that our fashions are weird after that!" Wendy exclaimed.

"I'll have you know," her grandmother replied, "I made him that leisure suit and it was very fashionable for its day."

"I suppose our children will laugh at the wedding pictures and ask who the guy in the wizard's robes was."

"And I'll tell then that their father was very handsome when I married him," Martha replied.

"Somebody grab me one of those flower rings so I can pin it to Mary's hair, please."

"Grab two, I'm almost ready for Ruth's"

"Such a shame that men get stuck with one lousy flower at these things."

"You'd better count those rings - The wizards get to have them on their pointy hats."

"Was Gandalf a flower child?"

"I don't know, but Ron certainly is."

"How can he be a flower child at his age?"

"He never grew up, naturally. Neither did I," replied Linda smugly.

"Good thing boutonnieres are traditional at weddings or Richard would get all pissy about flowers on a man."

"Hey Mary, think you can aim your bouquet at him when the time comes?"

"Sorry girls, he's all mine - for better or worse as the saying goes," announced Anna.

"I want pictures before the limo gets here."

"Limo? It's a lousy mini-van and David is driving; that is if he got all his band junk out of it and put the seats back in."

"Think he'll wear his chauffeur's outfit again, Martha?"

"As long as he does the loading and unloading he could be wearing a clown suit."

"I'd be very careful about suggesting something like that with the way this wedding is going."

"A Hobbit with a pony cart might be more appropriate."

"We already have a Hobbit. Little Sam is thrilled to be carrying a pillow and walking down the aisle in hairy feet."

"No way!"

"Way! My daughter is getting into the costuming in a big way. Sam's little suit is very cute," answered Trini.

"As long as there is more than one ring on the pillow with no runes inscribed on any of them!"

"Getting nervous?"

"Yeah!"

"Yes!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Sounds like it's unanimous, then."

Beep! Beep!

"Time ladies. The transportation is here."

"We should have hired a magic carpet with all these wizards."

"Believe me - that one won't fly."

Mary

Me nervous? Me?

Yeah, me!

After four years sharing our lives, I was about to make Ruth my wife. Permanently. Till death do us part.

Nervous, yes; but excited and very happy. All we had to do was get through the ceremony and celebrate with family and friends.

Holding Ruth's hand we got out of the van to a scatter of applause. There sure were a lot of people in the Roundhouse. I quickly spotted Dave with his sax, along with his band-mates. He wasn't wearing a dress so I guess Ruth's prediction of what happens in those crossdressing stories had failed to come true. Kym had gotten into the spirit of the thing and looked very elf-like.

Silly thoughts to have, I should be concentrating on getting married.

All the men were stationed in their assigned places as we women walked to greet them. Grandpa Ron was resplendent in his white robes with a polished walnut staff taller than he was. Artur managed to look solemn in his robes, and fortunately had opted not to go with our friend the colorblind wizard and his flashing scepter. I drew a sigh of relief to see Dad in a strangely normal shirt and vest instead of Tom Bombadil's outfit.

Uncle Dick, or rather Uncle Richard - as I was prepared to be magnanimous on my wedding day - had actually forgone the three piece suit, as had all the other men present.

I was almost overwhelmed by the number of people there; even with a double wedding there were a lot of people here to watch the festivities - the place was full.

I even had a moment to spare to see the caterer was looking abashed - Mom must have read her the riot act about primary versus pastels. Even though I had helped to decorate the place only hours earlier, I was impressed at how festive it all was.

Our self-appointed wizard strode to the center of the Roundhouse in a flurry of robes as we all took our places and the DJ faded the music. My little brother and his pals did us proud as they played all the attendants down the aisles. There was Martha's brother Stephen and sister Wendy, my sister Terri, One of Artur's cousins who I hadn't met yet, two of Martha's high school friends and Gail, one of my high school friends that I haven't mentioned before. Funny how you lose track of old friends as life goes on.

Soon it was Artur's turn to start off, but there was a flurry of activity as his father and mother approached him. His father had been behind a pole from my vantage point and I was surprised when he strode forward dressed as a Tolkien dwarf. Fili? Kili? Gloin? With that beard maybe even Thorin himself!

He was decked out in lots of leather and gold - who knows if it were real or fake - hobnail boots, fur trimmed cape (in this weather!) double bitted axe in one hand and a gleaming white staff in the other. He ceremoniously knelt before his son and offered the wizard his staff with a huge smile on his face.

Artur bowed low, accepted his staff and proceeded down the aisle escorted by his glowing parents while the band played one of the themes from the Lord of the Rings films as a sprightly air. I couldn't tell you what the name of the piece was offhand, but it set the tone nicely.

Uncle Dick had a look on his face that was hard to describe - maybe resigned would do it - as the band struck up Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah for Martha's entrance. Aunt Anna was grinning widely as Martha linked arms with her mother and father to make her entrance. I was going to have to ask Dad after this was all over what he would call the shade of Uncle Richard's bald spot.

As per our recently revised plans, the Ring Bearer made his entrance between the happy couples. Artur's nephew Sam was incredibly cute in his hobbit costume, and his feet were in hairy slippers that I think came from Where The Wild Things Are. At least I don't remember hobbits having claws on their feet, but who cares? This time the band played Ring of Fire, not bad considering what Tolkien did with his ring.

Ruth's theme was Esto Es Vida a popular Mexican love song. If you live in the border area you can't help but hear a lot of Mexican music on the radio no matter what your ethnic heritage. Again both parents escorted her down the aisle - none of this old-fashioned sexist giving the bride away stuff for any of us.

Then it was my turn at last. For as long as I could remember I had had wanted to be the bride in a wedding. Even when I was maybe six years old and having tea parties with Martha I could remember talking about how we would have the perfect wedding and be dressed in white with a long train and crinolines under the skirt. We hadn't a clue what a crinoline was, but loved the poofy look to the skirts.

I'm sure my parents spent some time by the door of the bedroom listening to our fantasies and shaking their heads. Even back then I was still having a hard time with this boy-girl stuff that inundated me at school and I still thought I could grow up to be a boy or a girl or whatever it was I wanted. Six-year-olds don't have a firm grasp on logic or biology, but they do have a fine sense of fantasy.

Even as we grew, I still retained that wistful picture of being a bride despite the growing evidence I was destined to be the groom. As luck would have it, I grew bigger vertically and never developed into a football player type. Being blonde and having a very sparse beard was a big help, and with Martha's second-hand training in the arts of femininity I found myself in the here-and-now about to fulfill that dream.

Mom and Dad linked arms with me and we started down the aisle to greet my bride. I had to agree with Dave that Van Morrison's Crazy Love couldn't be more appropriate. With a kiss from my mother and a hug from my dad I stood there next to Ruth and couldn't help but smile.

Dave followed us down the aisle, the band having dropped out as he reprised the chorus of Crazy Love on the solo sax, arriving to take his place among the attendants. We were ready at last!

Ron

So there they are, my grandchildren and the people they are about to marry, standing in front of me with all their friends surrounding them. It must be a strange sight for those who aren't used to our family; two of them a good foot and a half taller then the other two. For that matter, two six foot plus brides. The proverbial man from Mars would certainly assume the two tall ones go together, as do the two short ones. Two different species? Have to have our scientists study that phenomenon!
And here I am, ready to make it official for them. It was forty years or more ago that I sent off a check to some crackpots and got my "ordination" back. Seemed like a lark at the time, but a little while later a good friend asked me to perform the ceremony for him. You could have knocked me over with a feather. It was all a joke on the system, thumbing my nose at the stupidity of the church and the bureaucracy; a fine way to tell them to go and screw themselves. Then it became real.

I took some time to be damn sure the whole thing was legal and sure enough it was. I took some more time to be sure my friend and his intended were sure I should be the one to do the ceremony, and sure enough they did want me to do it. I don't think I have ever been so honored in my life. Until a decade later when another friend found a man to share her life with and asked me to make it official.

This time it was my own grandchildren doing the asking, and they've collaborated with me for one of the most quirky and interesting ceremony that anyone could have come up with. I've got to learn someday not to make jokes about this kind of stuff; when I suggested wizard's robes they loved the idea and ran with it. Well, what can you expect with my genes floating around in their bodies?

I have to admit there's a certain symmetry with me standing here in what could easily be called a dress while my crossdressing grandson is in front of me in his own wedding dress. You don't suppose I have a little bit of his proclivities in my own makeup? Wouldn't be the end of the world if I did, but at my age I've never had any urge to wear a bra.

Makeup? Funny that thought should have floated by. The girl seems to have mastered the art of makeup, she looks damned good. Better than her mother did when she was learning the art. From what I understand from gossiping with Janet, Ruth's mother is pleased that Ruth is using makeup more often. There seems to be a tide of traditional femininity spreading from Mary to inundate everyone around her.

I don't suppose you could call Artur's robes traditionally feminine, but all the principals are wearing dresses. Artur does have a fine, silly smile plastered across his phiz, the boy is going to fit right in with the rest of us crazies. Comes from good stock, too. How can you lose with a father willing to dress up like a dwarf for his son's wedding?

Silly thing to be thinking while everybody does the grand parade to the center of the ring. They all look so happy. Well all but my own son. At least Richard isn't raising a fuss. You get to appreciate these small miracles when you live long enough to see the stupid things people do. Who knows? Maybe the boy will grow up and realize there is more to life than controlling everybody else before I kick off. Now that would be a fine wedding present for his children.

OK, everybody's here - Showtime! Let's do this thing right, grandad. Making good use of this wonderful staff I had been given I grounded it three times, sending echoes from the roof of the roundhouse scattering among the audience.

 

"I welcome you all to this celebration of a ritual as old as mankind has records. I have no doubt that Ugg the caveman and Urg the cavewoman found some way to tell the rest of the people in their tribe that they were an item. Perhaps they didn't even have language yet, but the meaning certainly was clear - we are a couple and we intend to live the rest of our lives together.

"If they were lucky some other tribesman found a pile of fermented fruit and they had a party before they went back to hunting and gathering.

"Over the years they made things a little bit more formal: the soldier jumped over his sword with his lady, a Roman might have shared bread with his spouse, there are even cultures where the bride is effectively kidnapped and locked up in a harem for the rest of her life. These days we have a more romantic view of marriage: love conquers all, till death do us part, love at first sight. Who's to say what is right and what is wrong?

"I have a simple answer to that complex question: the couple involved gets to decide. Sure, there are forms to satisfy, papers to be signed, declarations to be made, but within that framework they get to decide how they are going to express their love.

"Fantastic, you might say. Certainly! Love in its essence partakes much of fantasy. Look around you - this particular ceremony takes much from a particular fantasy written by J.R.R Tolkien. We have wizards, elves, dwarves, Hobbits, three brides and one groom. Is this fantasy any more far-fetched than expecting the couple to spend the next sixty years together in everlasting bliss?

"For you see, fantasy is a necessary part of a successful marriage. Linda and I have managed to be together for over fifty years now, long enough to stand here with two of my grandchildren as they start their own fantasy life with their chosen spouses.

My grandson's fantasy is a little more complex than most; for most of his life he has found the traditional strictures of gender to be a poor fit. 'Boys must not cry, girls must bake cake' is a limitation that he simply wouldn't allow to fence him in. Together with his cousin they have found that sometimes the feminine side takes precedence and Mary comes to the fore, sometimes Ralph takes the lead. Both sides of the personality are real, both sides are true - both sides can coexist within one body.

"This isn't the first time Ralph and Martha have partaken in a wedding ceremony. As I remember they married each other in the sandbox when they were about six years old. Fortunately for Ruth, I wasn't there to make it legal and binding, but the dream of being a bride has been a part of Mary for quite some time. Today we are going to make at least one fantasy become reality.

"Today we will show that love can cross the lines of gender, of ethnicity, of relative height, of prejudice and of convention. 'Love conquers all' is a cliche, but it can happen. In a letter to his son, Tolkien speaks about what happens in a marriage:

" 'When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think that they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find. The real soul-mate too often proves to be the next sexually attractive person that comes along. Someone whom they might indeed very profitably have married, if only… Hence divorce, to provide the if only.

" 'And of course they are as a rule quite right: they did make a mistake. Only a very wise man at the end of his life could make a sound judgement concerning whom, amongst the total possible chances, he ought most profitably have married! Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the 'real soul-mate' is the one you are actually married to. In this fallen world, we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will…'

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tolkien was right, and these young people going to prove him right once again. Artur, Martha, Mary, Ruth, before me and your assembled families and friends, I ask you to publicly state your intentions. As you have chosen to share this ceremony with each other, I will ask each of you in turn to do so. Artur?"

Artur "Martha, saying a vow is only words - simply speaking of love, honor or compassion, can be false, but our love will be in our deeds. With the traditions of our families and the new traditions we will make together, I promise in front of all those gathered here to give action to my words. I will love you, honor you, and cherish you above all others for all our life. I cannot say I forsake all others in love, for I love my family. I love our friends. I will love our children. I can say without reservation that I will love you above all others, with a passion and fire that will never be quenched and that will burn brightly for all to see."

Martha "Artur, since the day I found you sitting on my front porch steps I felt something I have never felt before. It took some time to identify that feeling since it was so new to me. From that first tentative date, where we ignored the looks we received from the people who thought simply because we were not the same height we could not have the same towering spirit, I have always looked up to you. I, too, will love you, honor you, and cherish you above all others for all our life. We need not forsake all others in love, for I share your lovely family, friends, and children. I say without reservation that I will love you above all others, with a passion and fire brighter than any wizard could produce with his magic, for my fire will never be quenched and burns brightly for all to see."

Ruth Mary, I grew up a girl in a small town in South Texas. I grew up a geek. I grew up so short that people overlooked me. I grew up with brown skin but no real connection to my ancestors in Mexico. I don't speak Spanish, the Texas schools steadfastly ignored my heritage because the legislature didn't want their poor students to study things that might be controversial. I listened to salsa and mariachi music because that's what was on the radio. In other words, I was a kid isolated from just about everything around me.

"My parents were and are conservative, but my parents did and do love me even if they didn't understand me. The Internet and the computer gave me some idea of the wider world, going to school in a thoroughly diverse place gave me more, but I was still a confused little geeky girl until this incredibly tall, geeky guy I was kinda interested in walked into a concert wearing a dress. Being a geeky girl I had to ask why.

"With you and Martha and Artur that geeky little girl has found herself and her place in the world. Your love and your courage in letting Mary be out in the world inspired me to let my inner self come out in the world beside her. Together we have found how people of different backgrounds can mesh together to become whole. Together we have found the love and companionship that had been missing in my life. Today we face the world together and shout loudly 'This is us! This is who we are and we will travel this life side by side.' I love you Mary, I love you Ralph, and I love you Artur and Martha and all of our family. Thank you, my love, for all you have done and all you will do in the future."

 

At my age I've been to a lot of weddings, heard a lot of people pledge their love in a lot of ways. For the first time in my seventy plus years the audience rose to their feet and applauded a pledge of love so sincere that it demanded acknowledgement. It took a little while for things to settle down again.

"OK, granddaughter. It's your turn and I don't envy you having to follow that."

 

Mary "Envy, Gramps? That's the woman I'm going to marry, and even if I didn't speak another word everyone here now knows why. Like Ruth, I grew up a geek. My problem was I didn't know if I was a geeky girl or a geeky guy. I was pretty gawky as a guy, just like my cousin was gawky as a girl. We found a connection with each other that kept us both sane. As little kids we played together and it didn't matter which one of us wore the dress or which one of us was the leader and which one was the follower.

"As we grew older we began to notice that other boys didn't wear dresses. Other girls didn't become the leader in the games. Some people tried to tell us these were the proper roles for boys and girls and we weren't following them. Fortunately, my parents weren't among those people and my cousin and I continued to play dress-up. I found that I had a very definite female side to my personality. Martha helped me develop that personality, just as others like my father helped me develop as Ralph. In time, I came to realize that both Mary and Ralph were me, aspects of a whole.

"Today I get to fulfill two dreams. The first is to be a bride, a longing I have had since I was old enough to know what a bride was. The second dream is to find a partner in life that understands and cherishes both sides of me.

"Ruth, you are that partner. You are the key that lets me be the whole person that I am. You are the confused little girl that helped me understand the confused little girl inside me. Our confusion came from very different sources, but together we have found a way to take that confusion and mold it into a vibrant and shining whole. Artur said it beautifully: I love you above all others, with a passion and fire that will never be quenched and burns brightly for all to see. You are my love, Ruth, for now and forever."

 

No help for it; the audience was on their feet once again. I thought this wedding was going to be unique, I wasn't wrong!

"Samwise, as ring-bearer it is now your duty to come forward."

Damn he was cute. Those hairy feet were the perfect touch for a junior hobbit!

"Will you each accept a ring from our young hobbit and face your partner?" I paused to let Sam do his duty. "The couples feel that there can be no way to set an order to this part of the ceremony, so I ask all four of you to take your partner's hand and repeat after me. Start by addressing your partner by name…"

 
"Martha…"
"Artur…"
"Ruth…"
"Mary…"

"I give you this ring to wear…

"With love and joy in my heart…

"As a ring has no end…

"Neither shall my love for you…

"Let it be a reminder that I am always by your side…

"And the love between us will never cease.

 

"The pledges having been made and the rings having been exchanged, it is my pleasant duty to proclaim that you are now and forever in the eyes of your peers and the laws of this land well and truly married. You may kiss your partner and celebrate as you will."

They enthusiastically kissed each other, but what I wasn't expecting was to be mobbed by my grandchildren and their spouses, to be well and truly kissed and hugged. Makes an old man proud to have such people as his descendants.

Mary

To tell you the truth, my memory of the reception is a little fuzzy. You try to remember what about a hundred people did while stuffing themselves with BBQ chicken and whatever else the caterers provided. What I ate remains a mystery to this day. It seemed like everyone who wasn't buttonholing Martha and Artur were swarming over us.

Well, that's not quite true, there were a small number of people who seemed distinctly uncomfortable near Mary, but we cheerfully left them to gossip among themselves while we circulated. There was some pointed humor from old high-school friends, some stilted conversations - mostly from Artur's and Ruth's delegations, but mostly there was joy and congratulations both on finding Ruth and finding myself as well.

There were the usual festivities. I couldn't help but imagining a firing squad or a line of cannon as the three brides lined up to fire flowers at the assembled single women. The teenaged girl who caught my bouquet had a very bemused look on her face.

Ruth and I exchanged garters, no way we were going to let them go after all the love that went into making them, but we had substitutes ready for flinging. So we did the traditional toss. David was at the front of the pack and performed a highly acrobatic leap to intercept the pass at the one yard line. He lateraled to Kym, leaving her with a very satisfied grin. See - I do know something about sports despite my general disinterest.

I'll do you all a favor and simply state that the usual suggestive speeches at the head table were bawdier than usual - mostly at my expense. Some of them were even funny, but I did keep a smile on my face throughout. Funny, Uncle Richard didn't say a word about the other couple who were part of his daughter's wedding.

While Ruth and I were doing our pressing of the flesh, there came a long, melodious note from Dave's saxophone. I suddenly found myself deserted as Ruth, and seconds later Martha, abandoned their spouses and gathered around the microphones with the band. Artur and I had been pointedly excluded from their rehearsals, so we were finally going to hear what they had come up with.

Funny how there are some songs that cross generations. Pinball Wizard came out when Grandpa Ron was young, but there was no doubt that everyone there knew it, and Artur was right there shouting out the choruses with the happy crowd.

Now it was my turn. Since they had already used Layla, I figured they would come up with something else. True to their oldies roots, they found Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out. I'd never heard it before, but the four part harmony turned the original hard driving soul warning into a sweet promise of things to come. Not only was the singing superb, but their lead guitarist, a lady by the name of Fay, traded some beautiful acoustic fingerpicking with Dave's harmonica to have us all on the verge of tears.

They had one more in their bag, the timeless Unchained Melody. This time Kym sang directly to my brother, their eyes locked on each other as she poured her heart into the lyrics with the other three women supporting and winding a curtain of sweet song around her lead. If there wasn't another wedding in the near future my brother was a damn fool.

It was almost a disappointment when the DJ took over. The dance floor got a bit crowded for the father-daughter dance, but we managed. Mom took me by sunrise when she pulled me out of my seat and dragged me onto the floor for the mother-son dance, but she was not to be denied. Artur gave me a thumbs-up as we passed, and so did his mother.

It seems that this was a dancing crowd, and it got so I hardly knew who I was dancing with after a while.

I'll close this story by telling you how I ended up dancing with Uncle Dick. Toward the end of the party the DJ put on a slow number, so Ruth and I stepped out once more. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Aunt Anna and Uncle Richard join the couples on the floor. I couldn't help remembering that first time someone had cut in with me on the dance floor. I whispered to Ruth to start heading toward my Aunt and Uncle. Sneaking up from behind, I nodded to Aunt Anna and cut Uncle Richard away from his wife and waltzed off with him.

It wasn't exactly revenge, but I can't find a word to describe how I felt when Uncle Dick had to come face-to-face with his crossdressing nephew. Triumph? Victory? No matter, he automatically put his arm around me and then stiffened as he realized what was happening.

Uncle Bastard is a pretty good dancer, and I guess he couldn't help but do his best despite his distaste for his partner. By the end of the number he had regained his poise and we bowed slightly to each other in acknowledgement. Not a victory, but you might call it detente, and easing of hostilities. Works for me.

 
Once again, my profound thanks to Alys for her remarkably fast proofreading and suggestions.