WARNING - You might want a box of Kleenex handy
“The meek shall inherit the earth.”
So if you’re too meek, what on earth do you inherit?
Maybe I was too meek and didn’t inherit anything.
I wish I’d been less meek.
If I’d been less meek, maybe then I wouldn’t be here.
I’d be there, enjoying life; with friends, a job, a family, part of life’s rich pageant.
I wish I’d been stronger.
If I’d been stronger, would I have been stronger physically or mentally? Who knows?
Anything would have been better than …nothing.
If I’d been stronger I could have fought for what I wanted — if I’d known what I wanted.
I wish I’d known what I wanted. No, that’s not right. I wanted to do what’s right.
Right for me or right for them? Was there a way that was right for everybody or was it either/or? One or the other?
There I was…nothing. Neither one nor the other.
They all look like ants scurrying about.
They don’t look happy.
I wish I’d been happy.
If I’d been happy I could maybe have made a difference.
As it was, I was useless. A doorstop. Something you ignore until it’s in your way, then you kick it aside until the next time.
A doorstop. You don’t have to feed a doorstop.
I wish I hadn’t felt guilty.
Guilty for feeling like I did. A failure. I’d failed to be what I was designed to be. They told me I failed so it must be true. I didn’t measure up, I didn’t make the grade. All that time and effort wasted, and for what?
So I could be…nothing.
I wish they hadn’t cried.
I made them cry, it was my fault.
Where did they go wrong?
I can see them now, wringing their hands, crying, wondering where they went wrong. I can see them all gathered around, hugging. They never hugged me. I felt so deprived.
I’m told that here I’m…someone. Me.
All that pain.
I wish it would go away.
That’s all they seem to have had…pain. Pain then, pain now. What it feels like, God only knows.
I wonder if they feel guilty? Guilty for feeling like they do, feeling like they failed?
I wonder who has to live with the guilt the longest, me or them?
I wish I could hold them and tell them.
They did their best, they could do no more. Not then.
I wish they could move on.
I didn’t want to inherit anything; I just wanted to be…me.
I wish they could move on. Be happy. Not guilty.
I wish I could tell them.