Chapter 1

Some events in life really suck. While they are happening and when you look back on them, the only thing you can think about is the pain, anger, humiliation. It is a terrible thing, but it also allows you to be more grateful for the other times. To take more notice of a beautiful day, an unexpected smile, a kiss from someone you love, a cuddle. When you have experienced the bad, the good just feels more good somehow. I like to believe that everything happens for a reason, that after something bad, something good will come out of it and whatever it is, it is in my, and the universe's, best interest. So, although I didn't ask for it, I am going to embrace what has happened and make the best of it. No one would ask for what happened to me. I think I was happy as a boy with the thought of becoming a man. I never felt myself to be transgendered. Others, of course, had different opinions.

Certain things run in my family, so when I was old enough to understand my father explained it all to me. It was likely that I would have a late puberty. I would stay small and delicate until about 16, then it would all catch up. It was possible that I would have a bit of breast growth but it would all sort itself out in the wash. He showed me his abnormally large nipples, on a pretty flat chest and talked about his childhood. He told me about his father being the same and we worked out what we could do to mitigate some of the issues that this might cause. I had to keep my hair in a short army type haircut. That and a hook nose helped to keep my face from looking too feminine. I studied Aikido martial arts quite fanatically, knowing my life might depend on my ability, not that that helped too much in the end, although I can't imagine what my life would be like if I couldn't defend myself.

When I reached 13 and my growth charts showed that I was underdeveloped for my age, the doctors tested myself and my father. This is how it was explained to me. All women produce some male hormones and all men produce some female hormones. Our family, for genetic reasons, produce a much higher level of female hormones. This means the women develop early and the men late. In fact, until my male hormones were sufficiently high to overpower the female ones, my body would look slightly more female than male. This meant fat distribution and muscle mass was not in my favour. Having been told in advance and with such a good role model in my father, I accepted it all and didn't let it worry me. Sure, as I got older, I got a lot of verbal abuse, but I knew the truth and that is all that mattered to me. It also meant less guys were willing to be my friend. Knowing a bit about my father's childhood helped me there. He ended up with mainly girlfriends and reckons it made him a better person, a better husband and father. He understood more, perhaps having more female hormones helped him keep in touch with his feminine side. He was a wonderful man. I was devastated when he was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 14. I didn't even know men could get breast cancer. He fought with everything he had, but each round of chemo seemed to make him worse and worse. 4 months was all he lasted. I guess I will always be devastated. I try to be spiritual about it and believe that he is always around me when I need him. His biggest gift to me is that I know, deep down in the core of me, that he always did and always will, love me, no matter what.

I really struggle with my feelings for my mother. She is a career woman and has never really spent a lot of time with me. On holidays she would hire a nanny or au-pair and often leave early. Not that I minded that, it meant I could spend quality time with my Dad. She didn't cope very well when he got sick. She hired a nurse and carried on working. 3 months after he passed she was engaged to her boss and I was in an all male boarding school. I gained a really cool step-sister who was studying in Oxford, though, so it wasn't all bad.

The event occurred when I was almost 16. Puberty still hadn't kicked in yet, but I knew it was about to, according to our family history. I was barely 5feet tall and very slim, with no obvious muscles. I was still doing Aikido, but mainly teaching it in a brand new club that I had started at school, so I was stronger than I looked. Still, I have to admit that if you ignored my hook nose, short hair cut and groin, my shape was female. I had the expected gynaecomastia, only an A cup, but quite enlarged pink nipples that seemed to stick out at all the wrong times. Couple that with relatively narrow shoulders, slim waist and slightly wider hips. I looked more like a boyish girl than a girlish boy.

My Dad and I had made plans, with my doctor's letter, to try and keep all this from anyone else. My sport requirement was covered by my martial arts and I wore compression vests, and baggy tops and trousers to hide my body shape. All our plans were undone by my mother. Going to an all male boarding school, meant I had to wear a new school uniform that she bought to my exact size, not the larger sizes that I requested. Compression vests were not part of the laundry list. I'm sure they could have accommodated me, but it would require parental input. Either my mother did not care enough or thought I should cope without any special treatment. I was also required to participate in all school sports. The sports themselves I didn't mind, in fact, I made a pretty good scrum half, and really enjoyed it too. It was getting changed in front of everyone and the communal showers after.

The first few months were hard. Nicknames in boarding school are common and my name went from Laurence to Florence to Flower. Pretty much everyone started calling me that, even those who were not trying to be nasty. I had to defend myself physically at least once per week. My reputation of aggressiveness seemed bizarre to me, all I ever did was defend myself. It helped a bit when I started up the Aikido club and arranged to get a 3rd Dan Black belt to teach once per month and the other weeks, I taught. The physical assaults from my year stopped after that. I had no friends though.

The confrontation started after a Rugby Union game. My size and agility make for a great scrum half. Basically you take the ball and pass it before anyone clobbers you. Believe me, that is a great incentive to be quick. It is somewhat dangerous as if you do get tackled, the chances are, the person who tackled you is twice your size and it is going to hurt. This is unfortunately what happened to the 1st XV scrum half and his replacement. So I ended up playing. I thought the whole thing somewhat comical, I'm sure it looked like a child playing with adults. I was almost 16, but I could have passed for 12 and everyone around me was 17 or 18 and only the biggest of their year.

I tried my best, I really did, but I am just not big enough to really compete at that level. I tackled one guy who carried on running carrying me with him to everyone's laughter. We lost, badly, and apparently, I was to blame. The verbal abuse didn't bother me, it wasn't like I hadn't heard it before. I waited as long as I could, hoping to get the shower after everyone else had finished. I got into the shower and was facing towards the wall letting the hot water ease my knotted muscles.

I heard others coming in, but didn't think anything of it, until I was shoved hard into the wall in front of me. The pain was intense, I think my nose broke. What happened next is still unclear to me. I don't know if it was because I was half concussed or the psychological trauma was too much. Some flashes of it are quite clear. I didn't really know the guys as they were 2 years ahead of me. 2 guys were forcing me onto my knees and a 3rd guy, Nathan, had his cock out and was trying to force my head onto it. I don't know if it was panic or anger that was running through me, probably both. I couldn't breathe through my nose so shoving a penis down my throat turned out to be a really bad idea. I bit as hard as I could and tried to swallow. I would suggest against experimentation, but I can tell you from my experience that trying to bite off a penis is really hard. I damaged it, I know that, but it did not detach. He sure as hell removed it from my mouth though. They threw me back, my head hit the hard tile and that was the last thing I remember before waking up in hospital.

Chapter 2

I woke up in hospital. I was held pretty immobile so all I could do was groan. Most of the pain was coming from my face, second to that and almost as bad was my groin. It wasn't that bad though. I tried to move. I was strapped down securely. My attempts did get attention and soon I could see Matron's face coming into my field of vision.
“Laurence, don't try to move dear. Or talk. You've been rather badly hurt. The doctor will tell you all about it. Your mother was here when you first came in, but had to go.” She moved somewhere out of my vision and I could hear her requesting a Doctor.

I heard the door open a few minutes later and this elderly gentleman came into my view.
“Hi Laurence. Don't worry, we will remove the straps in a second. I just need to go through with you what we had to deal with. I really wanted your mother here for this. OK, here we go. You came in with concussion, damage and fractures to your zygomatic arch and nose, mmm, your cheek bones. There was also extensive damage to your groin. Some of it was too severe. Hmmm... I'm afraid to say, we had to remove your testicles. You can get prosthetics and we can give you testosterone, but I'm afraid you are sterile.” The Matron came over and was stroking my arm, trying to offer me support. “I know it is a lot to consider, I have suggested counselling. There is nothing wrong with your jaw, it was just easier to immobilise the whole face whilst we held you in an induced coma. You have had surgery to repair and realign your face. It has been 4 weeks and everything is mostly healed, but you will need to wear a mask to cover your nose and cheek bones and keep them still, so they can heal fully. Once you are feeling a bit better, probably tomorrow morning, you will be discharged and stay awhile in the school sanatorium. I will be back later, a nurse will be in soon to sort out the bandages and mask.” With a sad smile, he left.

“I'm so sorry. Everything will be alright.” Matron carried on stroking me and whispering. I actually found it quite soothing. I could tell she cared. Intellectually I knew I should be upset, balling my eyes out really. I mean I had been castrated. Worse, puberty had never hit, I had naturally high female hormones and now no countering male ones. I already looked more female than male, who knew what my face was going to look like when my mask came off. And only a stranger, who I had only met a few times seemed to care about me. My fathers parents had migrated to Spain and my mother was an orphan, her foster parents were elderly and died before I was born. Whether it was the drugs in my system or shock, there were no tears. There was a deep sadness. I wanted to be a Dad one day. A father like my father was.

The nurse came in and unpackaged me. Even when I could say something, I didn't really have anything to say. The day passed quickly. I went to the toilet to relieve myself. It was really strange to have a slightly tender empty sac. I felt really weak too. Not moving for a month must have really weakened me.

The headmaster visited me after I had been relocated to the school sanatorium. He explained that the boys all claimed that I had offered to give a blow job and then bit instead. He did not believe them, but there was no way to prove otherwise. I could try and press charges as I was a minor and even if what they said was true they would have been breaking the law. He really didn't want me to do that as it would be unlikely to be successful and the school name would be dragged through the mud. My reputation would be ruined and they could counter sue for damages. I can't say I was too disappointed. I was more concerned with what Nathan and his goons were going to do. I felt emotionally numb. I could intellectually work out that I should be feeling angry, sad, hurt, humiliated and probably lots of other emotions, but it was like I was distanced from it. Not really connected to me.

After a week in the sanatorium getting my strength back I returned to school. I would have to wear the mask for another couple of weeks, just to be on the safe side. Life seemed to pass in a grey haze. Nothing really mattered any more. I was just going through the motions. My clothes did not really fit me any more. I would like to say it was because I had grown taller, but, alas, after 5 weeks with no testosterone and naturally high female hormones, my hips were wider, my bum bigger, my waist narrower and my breasts larger. I arranged for a pass on the weekend to go into town and take my debit card with me. I caught Nathan glaring at me a few times but until Friday I managed to avoid him. His buddies seemed to have deserted him. The rumour mill suggested he was being called a eunuch. He was getting a lot of verbal abuse and he blamed me for all of it.

He followed me into the toilet on Friday, after lunch. He is a lot bigger than me, but I was well trained and although I was wary, I was not worried. That could have been over confidence or my emotional deadening. He did not want to fight though. Apparently, he is well off and well connected. His actual question was “do you know how much your life is worth because I do.” I think he was telling me, without telling me, that he had taken a hit out on me. I was still in a bit of a depressed state so it bothered me less than it should have done.

I did lay awake thinking about it that night. Adrenaline leaked into my system and got through my armour to start to register fear, dread. I had no idea whether he was telling the truth or not. If he wasn't telling the truth, I had nothing to worry about. If he was, what the hell was I going to do? The police would not take me seriously.

My family did not seem to care. I really missed my father. I tried to think about it logically. If it was a movie and someone had hired a hitman what were the options? Protection? I didn't think that was going to work. You would have to convince an authority figure and there was no evidence. If you had enough money you could hire protection. My mother had enough, but I had no access to it. OK so protection was out. I could go after the hitman. How the hell would I do that? I had no skills or knowledge that would help me do that. The only other option was to run away. I would have to be in disguise and stay that way until I knew they were no longer after me. I might never know, so the disguise might have to be forever.

That was a pretty dramatic response with some pretty serious consequences. I was seeing a doctor on Monday to discuss hormone therapy and possibly testicular prosthetics. If I was on the run I would be out of the healthcare system I would become more and more feminised. Without a legal ID I would only be able to get cash in hand jobs. The only job I was trained for was some security work, but with my size and shape, it would have to be as a girl. Who knew if there were any jobs like that? I suppose dressing as a girl would be the ultimate disguise. In my case, all it would take to look like a girl is undo my male disguise, literally take off my mask, and put on a wig. There was always the risk of rape or prostitution, I would have to rely on my martial arts skills to keep me safe. Well it was a very drastic step. I was a bit scared, but not scared enough to take such a drastic action.

The next day I walked the mile into town. I tried to be hyper aware of everyone around me. It was stressing me the hell out and my only conclusion is that if anyone wanted to kill me, it would be far too easy. Again, I tried to use logic. If I was killed with a sniper rifle or even a gun, it would stink of a hit, which might put pressure in the wrong places. If I was to guess, I would think, hit and run car accident, but not at this time of day. Maybe a mugging gone wrong. A couple of knife thrusts. Take the wallet. Easy. Except, I don't think I am that easy a target. I have been studying martial arts for almost 8 years now and I have always taken it very seriously.

I think I needed to know, was someone after me? Rather than just getting my shopping and going back, I went to the ATM and pulled out my maximum £400. I wanted to present a tempting target. I then started wandering through town, trying to make it seem that I was window shopping, but actually using the reflections to see if anyone was watching me. Within a few shops I did notice someone. I am no expert, however there don't tend to be many men over 6 feet tall window shopping on a Saturday morning wearing sunglasses. It was a cloudy day, but still quite bright.. I needed proof, so I had to give him an opportunity. There are cameras everywhere so I wasn't too worried where I was. I headed to the public loo, I figured either the alley leading to it or inside would give him an opportunity.

I went inside and waited. No one came in. When I stepped out, I spotted him in the shadows on the left about half way down the alley. If I hadn't been looking, I probably wouldn't have noticed. I pretended that I hadn't seen him and walked towards him. When I was a couple of metres away he stepped out of the shadow to close with me. I immediately reacted to keep the 2 metre distance. He tried to leap forward and slash at me. This guy had no training at all. I allowed it to pass me then stepped forwards, caught his wrist and then elbow, locking them and forcing him to throw himself into the wall. For the first time ever, I didn't hold back at all.

Before he could recover, I was past him and away as quickly as possible. I went into a nearby charity shop. I quickly gathered up a hat, and a couple of dresses that looked like they could fit me and went into the changing room. I took the mask off put the hat on and stripped to my underwear. The dress was way too large and, of course, I wasn't wearing a bra, but I felt my disguise was sufficient to have a proper look for stuff. There was an old lady who was very helpful. What she thought initially, I have no idea, but by the time I left I was wearing a girlish hat, with a scarf, sunglasses, a yellow dress with a pink jumper, a pair of flats, a new handbag and purse that I transferred my cash into. I even had a plain necklace.

I know I wasn't the most stylish, but, importantly, the clothes were tight enough to show my feminine curves and hide my hair. I was really quite surprised by my face. My hook nose was gone, it seemed a bit smaller with a bit of upturn. Really quite cute. Maybe because of that or perhaps the work on the cheeks, my face looked different. It sort of, wasn't my face any more, not Laurence's anyway. I went to the train station and bought a ticket to London. I didn't see my attacker once. I did see a different person who seemed to be searching peoples faces, I ignored him, as did everyone else and he ignored me.

Chapter 3

When the train finally left it was such a relief. The train was not an express, so stopped frequently, but I didn't mind, it gave me a chance to think. I was 99% certain that there was a contract out on me. The guy who attacked me didn't ask for any money, just waited until I was close enough, and went for it with a knife. I went through my reasoning from last night, were there any other options for me? Escape and disguise still seemed the only viable option. Could I do this by myself? I didn't know. Was there anybody who I could turn to for help? The only friends I had were the girlfriends I had at my previous school. That was 2 years ago though. Could I risk them getting involved? I don't think any of their parents were that impressed with me. No, I don't think that would work. I didn't have any relatives who I could turn to, well, not in the UK anyway. I think I would need ID to get to Spain. Maybe that should be my longer term goal. Get to Spain and stay with my Grandparents. They really had no involvement in my life, they didn't even send Birthday or Christmas cards and although that probably meant they would not be thrilled to see me, there was also less chance that I would be traced there.

Let's break this down. I have a long term goal which I have no clue how to achieve. Short term goal. What do I need to do next. I need to complete my disguise and add to my wardrobe, but really cheaply. I need pants and bras, my ears pierced and some studs in. More durable clothes, jeans and T-shirts, trainers, socks or tights, some kind of bag to carry it in and I have to do something about my hair. I hope it is long enough for a pixie cut. If not, a wig. Hopefully, I can do most of it in charity shops. I don't know London though. I guess I can just ask where the nearest Oxfam shop is. Oh, that reminds me, I have a step-sister in Oxford. Could she help me? I only met her for a few minutes, but she seemed nice. I know that she is at St Catherine's College, so I should be able to find her. I don't think I can do this alone. I really hope she can help me. Are there any better possibilities? I couldn't think of any.

I arrive at Victoria Street Station, I throw away my school clothes and the mask. I will have to be careful with my face, I was supposed to wear that for another couple of weeks. I find a Marks and Spencer's and get measured for my first bra. My emotional numbness has officially worn off. Trying to act nonchalant whilst being terrified. I wasn't that convincing, but I guess I look younger than I am and some girls my age probably act nervous too. I am a B cup. I don't think you can go back from that. Not without surgery. I could bemoan the loss of my masculinity. I have to face reality. I am in a girls body apart from a small bit at the front. I am producing significant levels of female hormones. I can die as a man or live as a woman. I have never felt women were lesser in any way. My best friends were girls and, apart from my father, the vast majority of men or boys I have met, have been arseholes. I have never felt attracted to them either, despite all the names I have been called. I guess that would make me a lesbian. I get changed in my new underwear in the station Ladies, my boy pants I leave in the nappy bin. Then I wait for the Oxford tube.

The coach journey is uneventful. More time for thought. I don't really come to any different conclusions. I have done what I think is right. I hope I can live with my decisions. I arrive in Oxford around lunch time. I head for the tourist information centre. A very nice lady gives me a map and marks the location for all the things I am interested in and even goes online to find out what bus to get, from where, to get to St Catherine's.

I pass a supermarket, so I nip in and grab a few buns with cheese and bacon baked in and a big bottle of water. My perusal of the charity shops turns up a rucksack, pair of trainers, a couple of girly T-shirts, girl jeans, that actually fit me way better than the men's version ever did, a winter coat that buttoned down to my knees and wonder of wonders a wig. It is dark brown, which is very different from my natural golden blonde. I don't think it is real hair, but it is very realistic and makes a huge difference to my look. The lady running the till helps me secure it with some pins, tut tuting about my own hair. I love my new look. I can't see any boy there at all. How weird, I am enjoying looking girly. I change into my new stuff in their changing rooms and pack the rest in my rucksack. Pretty pleased with myself I head off to St Catherine's.

I arrive at St Catherine's still trying to work out the best approach. Do I question strangers and ask if they know her or do I wait outside and hope she will go out in the evening and I can meet her. I look unthreatening, so I look for girls of a similar age to Stephanie, my step-sister, who look like they are approachable. I had worked out my story before hand. I am pretending to be a girlfriend to Laurence and really need to contact him. I didn't want to bring Laurence into it at all, but I couldn't think of anything better. I would try not to mention him at all unless pressed. The third person I asked, was vaguely aware of her, but knew someone who might know her. Very kindly, she phoned her friend, who phoned someone else, who phoned Stephanie. A message was passed and I waited with baited breath for my step-sister to appear. No one questioned me closely, so Laurence's name was never mentioned.

10 minutes later and there she was. She didn't recognise me at all. I had to wave at her to get her attention. She came over.
“How can I help you?” Even close up, she had no idea at all. Then again, I only spoke to her briefly.
“Thank you so much for coming down to see me. I really need to speak to you about Laurence.”
“My step-brother?”
“Yes, have you heard about him being assaulted?”
“Assaulted, no. I heard he had an accident, but was going to be fine.”
“Seriously, that is what you were told.”
“Yes, Miss....?”
“Amber, call me Amber.”
“OK Amber, what has this got to do with you or me?”
“It is a long story. Is it possible we can go somewhere and I can tell you all about it.”
She looked me over, I think assessing my threat level. She was quite a bit taller and bigger than me.
“Lets go up to my room.” I followed her up with my rucksack and handbag.

When we got there, she sat on the bed and gestured for me to sit on the desk chair.
“Thanks Stephanie, I do appreciate it.”
“I haven't done anything yet, and just call me Steph, everybody else does.”
“I mean taking the time to listen to a stranger when you don't even know Laurence very well.”
“How do you know that?”
I sighed. “That will all become clear.” I considered revealing who I was now, but decided to let the story reveal itself. “How much do you know about his medical condition?”
“I didn't know he had a medical condition.”
“Well, maybe medical condition is putting it a bit strongly. Genetically he is predisposed to producing too much estrogen. This means that until he hits puberty his body edges closer to female norms than male ones. It also means that puberty is delayed until he is producing enough testosterone to overcome those effects.”
“That explains why he looked so,... shall we call it underdeveloped.”
“Underdeveloped. That is the most polite word my condition has ever been called.”
“Your condition? You don't look like Laurence.” She was frowning at me.
In a way, it was great, even having been told, she didn't believe me. I searched my hair for the pins holding it in place and removed my wig. I did a sort of finger wave. “Hi, sis.”

Chapter 4

“NO Way. Your face, your nose. I don't like saying this, but Laurence had a really ugly nose, it sort of dominated his face. You do have the same eyes though.” She leaned forwards and sort of squinted, really examining me closely. My green eyes are relatively unique, but I was beginning to get a bit worried. I didn't know her that well. I couldn't tell her stories from a shared past or talk about a weirdly shaped birthmark that she would have no knowledge of. Maybe my disguise was a bit too good. At least I could explain what happened to my nose.

“That is where the assault comes in. Because of my looks, I have always been teased. 6 weeks ago it went way past teasing. A group of boys smashed my face into a wall and tried to force me to give them a blow job.”
“Shit Laurence. What happened?” She reached forwards. All she could reach from where she was, was my knees, so she stroked them.
“I bit down.”
“You bit down. Well, he fucking deserved it.”
“I don't remember too much after that. I woke up in hospital after being in a coma for a month. I'm not sure if they hit my face any more, it was already damaged when I lost consciousness. I had to have plastic surgery to try and put the pieces back together. They did go to town on my groin. When I woke up I was told they had to remove my testicles.”
“Oh you poor darling.” She got up and tried to awkwardly hug me in my seat. Tears that I couldn't shed before, rose up from deep inside and I had a bit of a break down, sobbing into her chest. We ended up with her sitting on her bed with me wrapped around her like a koala. She was rocking me and stroking my hair. When I had calmed down enough that I could take a breath without it catching. I tried to disentangle myself. She resisted enough to let me know that I didn't have to. So I stayed there.
“Is that why you ran away?”
“No. I wish. The boy I bit, or more accurately, his family, is wealthy and well connected. He hinted to me that he had put a contract on me.”
“Wow. I didn't see that coming. He could have been just saying that to freak you out.”
“I know. I had a good long think about it that night. I reasoned that if it was true my only possible response would be to disguise myself and run away. I had to go into town today anyway. After 6 weeks with no testosterone and high female hormones, my body which was already developing along female lines has gone into high gear. None of my clothes fit me any more. In town, when I came out of the toilet, a guy tried to kill me.”
“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” She started using her hands to feel my body, trying to check it in some way.
“I'm fine. I know some martial arts and running away works too. The thing is, he didn't ask for money, or threaten me or anything. He just attacked me with a knife. My immediate conclusion was the threat was real.”
“Why didn't you go to the police?”
“How could I prove it? Would they offer protection? I would be living my life in fear.”
“What about your mother?”
“I haven't seen her since she dropped me off.”
“What about with the assault? Surely, she was there then.”
“I don't really know. I was unconscious. When I did wake up, she was too busy. I think the nurse did say she came in when I first arrived. My relationship with my mother is.... maybe not the best.”
“So you really think disguising yourself as a girl and hiding is the answer.”
“I couldn't think of a better one. I don't really think being a girl is a disguise, it is more removing a disguise, my boy disguise. I have always been waiting for my body to shift and become more masculine. I have to face facts. Apart from a small imperfection at the front, I am a girl.”
“Being a girl is more than just how you look.”
“I know that. I have read about the differences between male and female brains, and transgendered individuals and their stories. I know I have a strong feminine side. I have taken tests online. They indicate I am more female than male, but I have never felt the urge to wear female clothing. I discussed all this with my Dad. He said he was the same at my age, but after puberty he shifted to be more male than female. I was expecting the same to happen to me.”
“Can't the doctors do something?”
“Yes, they can. I can go on permanent hormone replacement therapy. This may or may not help with my height. I would get more muscles and hair and a deeper voice. I may end up with anger or aggression issues and I would have to have surgery to remove my breasts. On the other hand, if I leave nature to take its course, I will be the right height, shape and build for an average woman. I can't have any children of my own whichever direction I travel.” The unfairness of that brought more tears. She held me a bit tighter and rocked me again.
“Such a lot to deal with, I don't know if I could have coped.”
“I haven't had a lot of choice. I know I should be dealing with this on my own, but I just struggled to know what to do.”
“Whoa. Like hell you should be dealing with this on your own. Yes. I will help you. Honestly, I don't know exactly what the right thing to do is. You are not alone any more.”
I hugged her in thanks. “I'm not sure you should. I mean it could be dangerous. If I was a hit man I would check you out to see if I came to you.”
“Your disguise is amazing. Even after you told me, I almost didn't believe you. We could do a few things to improve it though.” she said whilst stroking my ears with their lack of earring. “You are welcome to stay here, but there isn't a lot of room. I think I know what we need to do. You came to me because you recognised this was too big to handle on your own. There is nothing wrong with that. That just shows maturity. Well, I think this is too big for me too, but I know someone we can take it to.”
“Someone you trust?”
“Someone I trust with my life and, to put it bluntly, with yours. She would never betray me.”
“How well do you know her?”
“Very well. I am talking about my mother.”
“Oh.”
“You barely know me, I don't expect you to know about what happened with my parents. My mother is a bit of an oddball. I think of her as a modern hippy. She has become more and more spiritual and that really pissed off my father. The only thing is, you need to be sure of what you want. If she is on your side and believes something will make you happy, she will move heaven and earth to make it happen. She has a tendency to go over the top.
“When I was 8 I thought I wanted to play the piano. My friend could play a bit and I thought it was really cool. She pretty much remodelled the house to create a suitable room, purchased a really expensive piano and found an expert teacher for me.”
“Wow.”
“After 2 months of lessons I really wasn't enjoying it, but did not want to give up after all the trouble she went to. She noticed though and just asked me if I was having fun and when I admitted my lack, she praised me for giving it a good go. She said, if I hadn't tried, I would have never known. It did teach me to be very careful with what I asked her for.”
“She wasn't angry or anything?”
“She has a very different view of money. I was feeling guilty about it so I asked her and she said to not think of money being spent, more circulated. The piano maker was paid appropriately for making a great piano, the teacher was employed to do something that they loved, the renovations to the house made the house a better house and worth more to the right buyer.”
“She sounds awesome.”
“I am biased, but I kind of think she is. She also sees signs for everything she does. I will make a prediction with you. This is part of what I meant by her spirituality. If we go to her and tell her our tale and that you are happy being a girl. She will claim this all happened so that you could become the girl you were meant to be and more than that, we are at her door so that she can help to make it happen better. As I said, you need to be certain because once we get my mum involved, she will likely take control and make it happen fast. All for the right reasons, as in, all she will want is to make you happy and to live your truth. So.....are you sure.”
“I know it has been less than a day, but really, I have been thinking about this all my life. I have nothing in my old life that I want to keep. I have no friends and the only relation who has shown me any love, I have only known for a few hours. Yes. I am sure.”
She gave me another squeeze. “OK. Let's do this.” I crawled out of her lap. I tried to put my wig back on and she helped me. She changed her outfit to a more outdoors type. Jeans, T-shirt, jumper, coat and hiking boots.
“Where does she live?”
“She is living in a houseboat on the canal. It can get a bit muddy. I think you should be alright with your trainers. We will both go, but when we get there, I will want to explain everything, try and get her on your side. I know my mum and I think I know how to approach her the right way.”
“I could go for a walk along the canal if you like.”
“That would probably be best, if you are sure that is OK. Can I talk about your medical condition?”
“No problem.”
She phoned her mum first to check she was in and then for a taxi. We headed down to it carrying all my stuff.

Chapter 5

We walked down to the canal and then along the path, passing quite a few houseboats until we got to the right one. Steph took my handbag and rucksack from me, handed me her watch and asked me to give her half an hour. It was late afternoon by this point and the light was beginning to fade. I was knackered. It had been a long day and it was catching up with me. Crying had been strangely therapeutic. At least I didn't have any make up to run. 100 metres or so from Steph's mom's houseboat I found a tree behind the path that was big enough, with enough hand holds for me to climb and sit relatively comfortably. By the time the half hour was up, I was feeling quite chilled, waiting outside the houseboat.

Steph stepped out of the main entrance and motioned me in. “Quick, we don't want to let the heat out.”
I hurried in. I had never been on a houseboat before. If someone had asked me to picture one, I would never have imagined these long thin contraptions that definitely did not look big enough to make a comfortable home. When I stepped inside, going down a few steps, and had to lead the way, I was surprised by how much room there was. Like a Tardis, there was a lot more room than you would expect, looking from the outside. We passed a toilet, kitchen, bathroom, which actually had an big tub in it, and came to the lounge which had two double sofa's facing each other. Standing in front of one was this beautiful lady. She was pretty enough for a mature woman, but what made her beautiful was the warmth in her eyes and the smile and open arms, waiting to greet me with a hug. Maybe because I had had a hell of a day, or perhaps it was because I had had so little previous warmth from my mother. Whatever the reason I fell into a loving embrace as if I was a long lost daughter. She held me tightly and rubbed my back soothingly.
Stephanie was standing at the entrance to the lounge. “Mother, this is.... er.. Laurence.”
“Hello Laurence. My name is Tracy, but you can call me Mum if you want. You are, after all, the sister of my daughter.”
“I would like that.” I had never called my mother anything but mother. Most of today I felt I was a lot older than my 16 years. In her arms, I felt younger, like a little girl, able to leave the cares of the world in someone else's hands.
“Sis, I need to get back. I will see you tomorrow, if you need me before, just let me know, I will be there for you.” Steph waved and left me with her mother.
Tracy motioned me onto the sofa and made us both a hot chocolate, she even put mini marshmellows to float on the surface. “Right, I think we need to have a bit of a chat. First of all, I can't keep calling you Laurence. My daughter mentioned Amber, but that you hadn't really chosen it.”
“No, I haven't really worked out my new name yet. For most of the last 2 years I have been called Florence or Flower more often than Laurence and it wasn't a compliment.”
“Well, I don't think Amber quite suits, I always thought girls called Amber should have brown eyes.”
I shrugged, I didn't care if she was a bit odd as long as she stayed kind.
“Any ideas?”
“If you had another daughter, what would you have called her?”
She looked me over carefully. I think to see if I was brown nosing so to speak. Satisfied that I was being honest, she started to smile. “How about Gretchen?”
“Err... No thank you.” I was fairly sure that she was just teasing, but I didn't really know her that well. She may have felt that I was jumping into the relationship that she was offering rather fast. In fact, I had decided to just relax and be myself and hope that we got on. I wasn't going to hold back or refuse to accept affection if it was given. I was going to try to be true to myself. She had this aura about her that made me feel that she would accept anything except dishonesty.

“I always wanted more children. I really struggled with boy names so I was very glad that Stephanie was a girl. We had two names in the running, Stephanie and Sophie. How about Sophie?”
“Sophie. Yes, I like it. What does it mean?”
“It comes from Greek, meaning wisdom.”
“I could certainly do with more of that.”
“I think you have done really well, from what my daughter has been saying. Why don't we try it out and you can see if you like it. We can always try something else if it doesn't seem to fit. Now, Sophie, could you tell me more about this medical condition. Steph was saying that you want to be a girl. At the moment, looking at you, I can't imagine you as anything else.”
I took a deep breath. “It is difficult to explain. I have been thinking about it a lot, over a lot of years, but only recently have events, really forced me to self examine my psyche. I think of it as three different aspects. The easiest for me is sexuality. It gets confusing when you start using terms like gay or straight, because that depends on whether you are male or female. I reserve the right to change my mind, but at the moment, I am only attracted to women. The next aspect is whether my mind is male or female. Do I have female thoughts and emotions or male ones. That is a bit harder. I think most people are not 100% one thing or another. From the tests I have taken, I am more female than male, from a personal perspective, I get on with women a lot better than I do with boys or men.” I stopped to take a bit of a drink of the delicious hot chocolate.
“And the 3rd aspect?”
“The 3rd aspect is the physical one. Genetically I am male, but my body has developed as a female. I have estrogen naturally flowing through me and almost no testosterone. Admittedly, my groin is maleish and I have no female bits inside.”
“What do you mean by maleish?”
“I have no balls and a very underdeveloped penis.”
“I don't mean to be crude, but I want to understand. I know you can't have children, but does it still, you know, function?”
“Not since I woke up from the induced coma.”
“You've tried to ….”
“Yes, I tried, and got nowhere.”
“So physically, would you say you were more female than male.”
“That is a difficult question to answer, but this is how I see it. If I was walking down the street and someone was looking at me. I had unisex clothing on and a hat, so nothing to give any clues. Pretty much everyone's going to say that I am female. My height, my shape, my voice, so everything they could see or hear says female. Taking it one step further. To exist in society as a female, I don't need any surgery or hormones, all I have to do is tuck myself away. To exist as a male I would need HRT for the rest of my life and surgery to remove my breasts. Even then, I probably wouldn't meet most male normals. So yes, physically I consider myself much more female than male.”
“OK, so does this mean you want SRS?”
“Yes. I have read about it and so I know it is really painful, but that is the one part of me that does not match, so yes, if I could, I would. I don't hate my penis like I have heard many male to female transexuals do. Nor do I think it defines me. Having it just doesn't fit. I would always worry about discovery, and if am lucky enough to have a lesbian girlfriend, having that would just be embarrassing.”
“There is one other concern I have. The path you are on is a complete separation from your old life. It would be like Laurence died. Your mother would be devastated if she doesn't hear from you, as well as any friends you have.”
“I don't have any friends. A couple of years ago, I had a few girlfriends, but when my Dad died, my mother, despite his wishes and mine, moved me to an all boys boarding school. I have had no contact with any of them since. I hope my mother loves me. I can't say I have ever seen any evidence of it, but I haven't seen any to the contrary either. Apart from not listening to me. I think that is just her natural selfishness.”
“I can't help but put myself in her shoes. If Steph disappeared from my life, I would be inconsolable.”
“You have shown me more love and caring in the time I have known you than my mother has in my whole life.”
“You are not telling me that she never cuddled you?”
“You might find it easier if you imagined her as a man. She went to work, came back and expected dinner on the table. If I wanted care or comfort, I went to my father. She did cuddle me, but only when she thought she was supposed to and I never felt like there was any emotion in it.”
“Actually, that does help. If Steph disappeared from my ex-husband's life, I think he would be upset, but not like I would be.”
“There is one other thing to consider. I did not really chose this. If my identity is found out, I will either be killed or have the fear of being killed hanging over me.”
“I believe in a benevolent universe. Call it fate, destiny, whatever you like. You always have choices. You chose to bite. I expect you were offered male hormone supplements previously, but refused them, waiting for the universe to decide for you. You could have disguised yourself differently. You chose your clothes, your wig. You could go through life thinking that you have no choice, that you have to do something a certain way. That is a very negative way to look at life and I don't think it is the truth. You chose to go to your sister and agreed to come to me. There are so many things that you could have done differently that would not have led you to me. I have the means to grant some of your wishes. Come sit next to me.”
I moved to sit next to her on the sofa, both of us turning facing each other. She held both my hands and looked me in the eye. “If we do this, there is no going back. Laurence will be dead and Sophie will be born. Are you sure you want this?”
I didn't answer too quickly. She wanted a serious answer. I tried to listen to the little voice inside, see if there was any resistance within me, but there wasn't. “Yes.” I said quietly but firmly.
“You will not be able to contact your mother or any relations or friends again, ever.”
“I know.”
“If you had any thoughts of revenge or getting back at those who hurt you, you will have to give them up.”
“My father was very big on forgiveness. He used to say that you have to do it for yourself not for them. If you stay angry you only hang on to unhappiness. If you forgive, you find peace. I am trying to let it go. It's not as easy to do in real life as it sounded when he talked about it, but I know it is the right thing to do. I will leave Karma to sort out the rest.”
“You are sure, sure?”
Keeping eye contact I replied. “Yes.”
She nodded her head firmly once. “I will put things in motion. Now onto other matters. Lets say you are now Sophie, my adopted daughter. What do you want to do with your life? Finish your education? Play guitar?”
“In the last 2 years, I have just been trying to get through the day. It was all about what strategy I could use to keep myself safe.”
“What about before that, when you were with your father?”
“I suppose, I wanted to be just like him. Have a child or preferably children and show them the love that he showed me.” I had cried so much today. My eyes started welling up again and I didn't think I had any more in me, but when she gathered me in her arms, I couldn't hold them back and the floodgates opened.
She just hugged me and let me get it out.

Chapter 6

I must have fallen asleep in her arms. I found myself waking up in a large bed with a low ceiling. The low ceiling made itself known when I tried to sit up. When I checked myself I realised that she had removed all my clothes apart from my undies. My wig was lying on a vanity table. I found my rucksack near the door, with most of my clothes but not my jeans. I put the dress on to try and preserve my dignity and took the rest of my clothes with me to the bathroom. There was no sign of Tracy. I really wanted to have a bath, but I was worried about whether there would be enough hot water. Ever since my assault I found taking a shower a nervous experience. Mostly I had been taking sponge baths, but they never really left me feeling clean. I put my jumper on, fitted my wig as best I could and slipped my trainers on. I went outside to see if I could spot Tracy. She was next to the path going through some Tai Chi form. With my martial arts training I had learned one Tai Chi short form, but it was different to what she was doing. I didn't want to interrupt her, so I sat on one of her outside chairs and watched her. When she had finished she turned to me.
“Good morning, beautiful. Sleep well?”
“Fantastic. I don't even remember falling asleep.”
She chuckled. “It was so cute, falling asleep in my arms. Just as well you don't weigh that much.”
“Thank you for looking after me. I was wondering, could I have a bath. And do you know where my jeans got to.”
“Yes, you are welcome to use the bath, there is plenty of water. Your jeans are in the wash. Do you want breakfast before or maybe a cup of tea?”
“That would be lovely. I can help, just show me where everything is.”

We spent a very pleasant half hour, chatting, having tea, and making and eating breakfast. We agreed that tomorrow I would try and follow her Tai Chi form and then she would follow mine. While I was having my bath, she would be going out to get a few things and would probably be back around lunchtime. I was welcome to help myself to anything in the cupboards.

I ran a bath and luxuriated in the hot water. Feeling totally alone was also a great feeling. For so much of my life I have been aware of people around me, judging me. Almost like it was a constant pressure, a persistent stress. Sometimes, when you are in enough pain, its absence almost feels like pleasure. It also gave me time to think.

My eyes were quite sore, so I wet a flannel with cold water and lay back with it pressed over my eyes. I didn't think I had ever cried that much. My Dad never told me boys don't cry or that I had to toughen up, but, from a young age there is a peer pressure that way. If you hurt yourself, and started crying, you would immediately be labelled a cry baby. Thinking back, I know I repressed myself. I had enough problems and crying would have only added to them.

I needed a release though, so in the past I used to sing. I would chose a song that reflected close to my feelings and learn the words. I used to sing with Dad and just let the emotion out. I dared not do it at any other time. My voice has never broken and when I sang, it definitely sounded like it was a girl singing. Right at that moment though, I realised, I was a girl. I was allowed to cry as much as I needed to, and sing to my hearts content. It was now a good thing that my voice had that feminine quality. It was a very freeing moment so I sang Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. I stayed in the bath until my fingers looked like prunes and it was too cold to stay any longer.

I got dressed in my limited choices, at least my underwear were clean. I was getting a bit bored. I decided to go outside and practice my kata and Tai Chi short form. I also did some on the spot aerobic exercise and strength training using my body weight. Then I made myself a hot choc and sat on one of the chairs near the front. There were a few dog walkers who passed with a friendly wave and a smile.

Tracy came back with lots of bags of shopping, so when I saw her, I rushed up to help. The bags were not that heavy though, mainly filled with clothes.
“I have a bit of a confession to make. Your jeans weren't in the wash, I don't have a washing machine on Lucy (Lucy was the name of her houseboat). I just needed to borrow a few things to get your sizes.”
I felt a bit bad about her spending money on me. With my real situation, I had no way to earn money. Any money I had saved from my allowance was in Laurence's bank and I had deliberately discarded all access with all of Laurence's things. With that it really hit me, just how much I was asking. I was completely dependant on Tracey's good will. I had, in effect, by asking for her help, asked her to become a surrogate parent. And she had agreed. With a smile and a hug. Wow.

Throughout my life I had been bombarded by how awful humanity was. What man was willing to do to his fellow man referred to terrorism, racism, abuse of all kinds, hate and more hateful action. My father was a good man and he loved me. He was my father, that was, sort of, his job. Tracy was no blood relation. She was showing me the other side of humanity. The love and giving that we were all capable of and only so few displayed.

By now we had placed all the bags on the bed. I turned to Tracy with tears in my eyes and hugged her. “Thanks Mum.”
And she hugged me back. She hugged me back.

Chapter 7

We had to rush out without trying on the clothes. She had reserved a table in the local pub, The White Hart. She helped me with my wig, taking it off and reattaching it and securing it down. She applied a little bit of make up and promised me it was waterproof. Then we grabbed our coats and purses and we were off. I took what little money I had left. I knew it wasn't going to last and I had no real way of replacing it, but just this once I wanted to buy her lunch, show her my appreciation.

She was obviously a regular customer as she walked in confidently and went straight up to a small table and hung her coat on the back of the chair. I did the same to the chair opposite and followed her up to the cash register.
“Is a carvery OK?”
“That would be great. Can I ask a favour?”
“Sure dear, what would you like?”
“Do you mind if I pay? I mean, I know you are doing a lot for me and I don't have any way to repay you and even the cost of the clothes...”
“Stop.” She took my hands. She looked into my eyes. “Everything I do, I do because I want to.” She had a serious face on. She didn't look unhappy with me, thank goodness. “OK. You can pay. Before we eat, we are going to sit down and have the money talk. I fancy a glass of wine though, so I will pay for the drinks. What would you like?”
“Water would be fine.” She raised her eyebrows. “A hot chocolate would be nice.”
“That's better.”

We ordered, collected our drinks, or hers at least, mine would be brought out when ready, and returned to the table. The carvery was a self service affair so once they delivered the plates, we could take them up and help ourselves.
“I don't know what you have been taught about money, but with my situation and our relationship, money is not an issue.”
“Our relationship?”
“I offered for you to call me Mum, when you did, I consider that a binding agreement. You are now, and forever more will be, my daughter. I will do my best to help guide you to happiness. What I expect from you is your respect, honesty and affection when you feel like it. That is it. No talk of payback, deserving or any of that nonsense.”

I was welling up again. What was happening to me. I had been a girl for only a little over 24hrs and I had cried or felt like crying more than the rest of my life altogether. I wanted to hug her again, instead I had to settle for reaching across and squeezing her hands.

“Money is not something I have to worry about. I know I don't look well off. I don't wear designer clothes and I live on a houseboat, but appearances can be deceiving. How I live is my lifestyle choice, nothing more. The houseboat is designed for one, now I have a daughter living with me, we will be making some changes.” She disengaged her hand from mine to hold it up and stop me from interrupting. “Living with you will make my life richer. I think I was getting a bit lonely without admitting it to myself. The universe has blessed me with your company. I don't stay permanently in Lucy. I will show you tomorrow. I do like to be here on Sundays. It is a beautiful community. Every Sunday we all get together around a campfire and entertain each other. Steph usually visits and brings her keyboard.”
“I thought she gave up the piano.”
“She told you about that. Yes she did give it up. I think she felt too much pressure and that took the fun out of it for her. Once I allowed her to give it up and convinced her there was no pressure, she returned to it and more importantly enjoys playing. I am hoping I can convince you to sing.”
“Me. Sing. I can't sing.”
“Honesty remember.”
“Well, I mean anyone can sing, but I am not good enough to sing in front of others.”
“How do you judge that. Who has heard you sing?”
“Only my father and that was a long time ago.”
“And what did he think?”
“He liked it. He has to say that. He's Dad. He liked everything I did.”
“I heard you. I thought an angel had visited my humble boat. Your voice is amazing.”
“How did you hear me? I didn't sing until after you left.”
“I forgot my keys. I am so glad I did. I would pay money to hear you sing. Do you think we could do something together for tonight. I play the fiddle, I would love to improvise something with you.”
She was looking at me with excitement in her eyes, how can you say no to that.
“I guess we can try. I have never sung in front of anybody. I'm not sure if I can do it.”

The waitress arrived with our plates and my hot choc. Conversation was temporarily halted for a food intermission. I love a carvery. You chose from three different types of meat, I couldn't decide and so had a bit of each, then lots of different veg, loads of gravy and sauces. Delicious. In theory you can go back up for more veg if you want to. My eyes, as usual, were bigger than my stomach, I struggled to finish what was on my plate.

“Sophie, I would like to talk about our possible next steps.”
“Is this a good place to discuss it?” I looked around nervously.
“I really don't think anyone is going to be paying attention to us. We should be fine here.”
“OK.”
“I have been thinking about it and made a few inquires this morning. My first thought was to whisk you off to Thailand and sort you out physically. The sooner we can do that the safer you will be. To do that we need to sort out your identity. I have two possible solutions, but both have their risks. I don't know any criminals, so I have no idea how to find a man who does that sort of thing for money. Possibility number one. I approach the relevant authorities and try to get them to give you new papers, like a witness protection programme. The issue with that is that, again, I don't have any contacts and I would need to tell the whole truth. Your mother would probably be informed, possibly your school. If any of those informed do not take it seriously enough there could be consequences. A secret is more likely to stay a secret if almost nobody knows about it. With that route, quite a few people will end up knowing about...” she paused to look around. “Flower. There is a danger that the wrong people will find out. I don't know how real that danger is, I just don't have the necessary information.”
“That does not sound that great. I wouldn't trust my mother to believe me. She would probably be glad if someone removed her nuisance of a son.”
“Don't be like that. Some people struggle with their emotions. I'm sure she loves you, she probably, just does not know how to deal with you.”
“You're right. That did sound a bit bitter. That is not who I want to be. Still, I don't think that is a good option. What other options are there.”
“Well, one of my odd jobs is volunteer work with a home for women and children. We try to take in girls from the street and women who have been abused by their husbands and give them a chance to find their feet. I work occasionally in the admin side of things, mainly so I can monitor the money side and donate funds when needed. Sometimes we end up with birth certificates for girls who subsequently disappear. My suspicion is that they are lured into the sex trade. You really don't want to hear some of the stories I have heard. Anyway, it is unlikely that they have already requested a passport and it is highly unlikely that they will ever request one. What I am suggesting is essentially identity theft. We steal their identity, change your name by d-poll, then apply for a passport.”
“And the risks?”
“Only the obvious one that I can see. The true owner of the identity tries to reclaim it. From what I have heard, once a street girl disappears, they tend to stay that way, so I don't think it likely.”
“Could you get in trouble?”
“Not really. We just say that you are a girl from the street who claimed to have the same name and a mixup happened when applying for a passport. If we go down this path, I will go in tomorrow and find the best birth certificate that I can. The next day we take you in and you stay a day or two under the same name. You leave taking your birth certificate with you and we proceed from there.”
“That sounds like the better option.”
“So we will go with that?”
“Yes please.”
“I do tend to have a fatalistic approach. If it is meant to be I will find a suitable birth certificate, if any issues arise from it, they are meant to, and the resolution will benefit you in the long run.”
“I think I have had enough issues. Please let this be smooth sailing.”
“Que sera, sera. What will be, will be.”
“That is not that reassuring.”

Chapter 8

We went back to Lucy to try on the clothes she had bought and practice combining my singing with her fiddle playing. We decided that I would go to the shelter tomorrow with only what I had brought with me. It would look strange to have any new stuff. Still it was worth a little fashion show and even if the size is the right one does not mean it will fit. She had mainly bought practical stuff. Jeans, leggings, skirts, underwear (plain), tights, boots, Ugg boots (which I loved), camisoles, T-shirts, jumpers and jumper dresses. What amazed me was the variety of colours. Most of it fit, but not everything. I was particularly disappointed that this cute pair of boots was just a bit too tight. I realised that I had completely gone to my feminine side when I contemplated keeping them and suffer, but better sense prevailed. She had also got me a make up kit.

We took the tags off all the stuff we were keeping and put it all in these big cloth bags for washing. The rest with the receipts went back into plastic bags for returning. Then she got out her violin and we went through what songs I had learnt. The way it worked was everybody did something to contribute. Some would bring food or drink. The rest had to provide entertainment. There would be some reading poetry, either their own or something they had memorised, singing, instruments, telling jokes, juggling, fire breathing. It was a relaxed atmosphere and there was nothing to worry about. Easy for her to say.

Then we came to the crunch time and she asked me to sing, I just couldn't do it.
Tracy sat next to me and one arm hugged me. “What's the problem?”
I was still looking like a deer trapped by headlights. “I've never sang in front of anyone before.”
She smiled at me. “OK, close your eyes. Imagine you have just climbed into the bath you had yesterday. Remember the smells, the feeling of the hot water. When you are ready, don't think of singing, just think of releasing your emotional energy. Let it go.”

As I relaxed into my mental picture, I could feel my tension drain out of me. I started humming. Then I started singing Songbird sung by Eva Cassidy. I heard Tracy improvising around me. I felt this sense of peace settle on me, like a deep seated contentment. It only lasted as long as the song, but it felt great. I opened my eyes at the end to find Tracy standing opposite me with violin in hand.

“Wow. You are amazing. That was... that was....I can't find the words. You voice, wow and your expression, it was like you were talking to God. Angelic. You are so good at this. This is what you are meant to do.”
I was still feeling the peace so I just smiled at her.
“Can you do the other Eva Cassidy song you mentioned?”
“Fields of Gold?”
“Yeah.”
I had to close my eyes again and find that calm place before I could start. It was a bit easier this time. When I finished she praised me like crazy which made me feel really good inside. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this good. We went through both songs several times so that she could work out how she was going to add to it.

We walked to this clearing in the woods carrying camp chairs and Tracy's violin. I had to stick with my second hand clothes until after I left the Home. I decided on the jeans as being more practical, wore 2 of the T-shirts for extra warmth, the jumper and the coat. Tracy was going to introduce me to Martha, who ran the home, and try and arrange a legitimate invite, rather than me just turning up. My story was that I was a runaway from London who wouldn't talk about what had happened to me, claimed to be Sophie Smith and was 18. The immediate assumption was that I would lie about my name and age, so it would not matter if the birth certificate said something different. Steph had then noticed me near her college and persuaded me to visit Tracy, who brought me to the campfire.

We weren't the first to arrive, but it was still setting up. It was a pretty big clearing and in the centre was a ring of stones with evidence of previous campfires. The people were dressed in comfortable clothes. Shaggy jumpers with multiple colours, even on the guy's. It gave an impression of a music festival and had that atmosphere. A couple of tables were already set up and 3 different portable BBQ's.

We didn't sit and watch though. We set up our chairs. We had brought 3, so Steph could join us and a rug, in case she brought anyone else from Uni. Initially we wondered around so Tracy could say hello or chat and whilst doing that we would automatically help if we could. When Martha arrived, I was introduced briefly and then I followed a few of the girls who came with her back to her people carrier to help unload. Tracy stayed to probably discuss me.

Martha brought the majority of the food supplies. Mainly burgers, sausages and buns, but there were also salads and fruit. There were plastic plates, cups and knives, forks and spoons. These weren't disposable but sturdy jobs that would be reused. The girls I was helping were either my age or older. One had piercings all over the place, with short dark hair spiked up. She introduced herself as Sam and seemed really nice. There was a glint in her eye that made me anxious for some reason. The other 3 girls were more together and were giving me looks of scorn. I had only been out as a girl for such a short time and I had no idea what I had done for them to look at me like that. I retreated, nervously, back to Tracy's side as soon as I could. I tried to make a mental note to ask Tracy about it later.

Steph arrived as the light was beginning to fade and the smell of cooking food and bonfire was in the air. We set up her keyboard on a stand she had brought and chatted. We agreed to try and avoid to many hugs and crying fits, as it didn't really fit with my backstory. She did give me a good squeeze though, that felt really nice.

Martha was probably the most smartly dressed. She was only a bit taller than me so I would guess 5 and a half feet, but very sturdy without looking fat. She had an enormous chest which added to her friendly smile to give her a very maternal, mother goddess type look. She was clearly the main organiser here, and rang a bell to bring about a sudden quiet.
“Food's ready.”

Chapter 9

There wasn't a mad rush to the food tables, more of a casual shift of attention that gathered steam as people started loading up their plates. When we meandered our way there, we had to wait in a queue. Tracy made a show of publically giving me a card from Martha. I guess I had my invitation.

I was curious as to how come Martha ended up running things so I asked Tracy.
She laughed and said “This community has been doing this for years. I joined accidentally when I wanted to be close to Steph but incognito, so bought the houseboat and moved here. I met Martha when I was volunteering at 23 (23 was the nickname for the Home). I brought her here because I enjoyed it so much. She had a great time but the disorganisation was driving her crazy. There was no set time and even the day varied, sometimes is was a Friday or Saturday. No one checked the weather, food and drink was sometimes available. If enough dead wood could not be found locally it had to end early. She started a very subtle campaign. I swear, that woman could end up Prime Minister and no one would quite work out how she did it, it would just be a natural progression. She chatted, made friends and worked out what everybody could offer. Slowly, it became what it is today. Everybody contributes, but what they give, fits with what they are happy to. Whether it is finding enough firewood, making the torches” she gestured to these sort of candles on a stick that were set out in a wider circle but hadn't been lit yet, “serving or cooking the food, providing entertainment. It all fits, like a clever puzzle that just needed her hands to put it all together.”

The drinks were provided by someone who worked at a local drink company and could get the rejects cheap. You had to pick up a can and sort of weigh it to see if it had enough to be worth opening. Still, I wasn't complaining, the food was filling, the drink nice and the company and atmosphere, great.

As it became dark, the fire and torches were lit and the entertainment began. There were about 30 people there with about 7 children of various ages and they started it. They were telling jokes. Some were better than others, but we clapped for all of them and the kids were beaming. Then a young man tried to tell some. His were better although he struggled with the pressure of the audience. I was enjoying it until I started to remember that I had agreed to sing and the anticipation of that was ramping up my anxiety. I closed my eyes and went back to imagery of my bath and found I could find my calm place without too much trouble, so I tried to let my worries go and just enjoy myself.

Next up were a pair of jugglers. They started on their own and then tossed between themselves. It was hardly cirque du soleil, not that I had seen them, but good amateurs who were having fun. The cutest thing was a 5 year old girl, in a ballerina costume, doing the hula hoop, whilst everyone clapped. I thought her grin was going to split her head in half.

Then the musicians started. An old man on a harmonica doing a blues tune, then a young man with a guitar singing his own songs. Some adults were dragged by their daughters to have someone to dance with. He did 3 songs and got lots of applause.

Tracy tapped me on my shoulder. “Is it OK if we go next?”
“Umm, can I close my eyes and you tap me when you want me to start?”
“I'll start and then pause to let you in, is that alright?”
“That would be great.”

Tracy started off loudly, I think to grab everyone's attention, then more mellow and then really soft, so you had to strain to hear. This really quietened the background murmur to almost nothing. It also helped me find my peaceful place. Still with my eyes closed, I waited for her pause and then began Fields of Gold. Whilst I was singing, to me, there was no audience, my eyes were closed and I was back with my father as a child playing in a field of sunflowers. It was one of the reasons I loved the song so much, it was sort of bittersweet. Sad, but in a good way, reminding me of happy times.

At the end, I was still in my zone, but aware enough to realise there was none of the usual cheering. I didn't have a chance to think about it. Tracy quickly led the way to Songbird and I was back in my serene space. I used to sing Songbird to my father after we knew, that he was going. He didn't stop fighting. We never admitted it, but he was only getting worse, so there came a point that we knew, there would be no happy ending. I could feel tears running down my face as I was singing. I finished to absolute silence.

Before I opened my eyes I heard Steph next to me. “I can't follow that.” Then she lifted me out of the chair and hugged me. Then people started clapping and just got louder and louder. I felt all embarrassed so I stayed with my head buried in Steph until the noise quietened down. “Please Steph, I would like to hear you.”

Steph started warming up with a few scales, before starting some classical music. I have no idea what it was, but it was peaceful and calming. It helped me relax again. I know I was getting a lot of stares. I didn't meet anybodies eyes and tried to concentrate on Steph and her music, which was beautiful. While she was playing, the five year old ballerina, Ellie, came to me. She just walked up to me with her arms open. I held her in my lap and cuddled her, or more accurately, she cuddled me. She fell asleep at some point so I just stayed still, enjoying her presence. Her parents checked up on her, but when I said I didn't mind, left her with me until it was time to go.

Chapter 10

After Steph finished the entertainment section was over. The majority of people stayed for awhile, those with children mostly drifted off. I'm guessing Ellie was an only child and her parents were enjoying staying a bit later, as they left her sleeping on my lap for a good while, checking occasionally. Lots of people came over to thank me for singing and congratulating me on a great performance. If I could of, I would have hidden behind Tracy's skirts, I felt an embarrassed shyness. Having a sleeping child on my lap helped by acting as a sort of enthusiasm dampener. If they wanted to talk to me they had to speak quietly.

Sam was one of the first to visit me, telling me I was beautiful. I'm pretty sure she meant my singing, but there was a look in her eye, that made me feel like I was food and she was hungry. She backed off fairly quickly though and left with Martha and the other girls soon after. I had lots of requests for a return visit next week. I had to be non-committal, but said I would if I could. Tracy and Steph stayed close by. I think they knew I needed their support. Jason, the guitar playing singer songwriter, lurked in the background until he could approach without a crowd. He said I had inspired him and made me promise to consider singing a song of his. In fact, he was going to write one specifically for me and he would like to play the guitar to back up my singing.

Eventually Frank and Susan, Ellie's parents, collected her, thanked me for looking after her and hoped to see me next week. I really didn't have a moment alone until I had said my goodbyes to Steph, and Tracy and I were walking away.
“Well, how did you like it?”
I pondered a bit. “I loved the atmosphere. It was friendly and encouraging. Apart from those 3 girls from 23.”
“Did they say something to you?”
“No. Sam spoke to me, you know the one with the piercings. She was nice. The other 3 didn't say anything, but the look they gave me reminded me of school.”
“If it is what I think it is, it's a girl thing, especially a teenage girl thing. We tend to assess the competition and are not happy if someone looks prettier than us. As beautiful as you are, you are going to have to get used to it.”
“Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.”
“I'm serious. I don't expect you to get that yet. Just promise me you are open to seeing yourself as beautiful, inside and out.”
“I'll try.” Wanting to change the subject quickly I went back to the original question. “I loved the singing. I felt uncomfortable with the attention, though.”
“I know we have a lot of things to sort out at the moment, but I think you should seriously think about singing as a career. You are majorly gifted. If you want I can set you up with a voice coach.”
“I did love the singing.” I gave her a one armed hug as we were walking. “Thanks for the support. You make a great mum.”
“You're more than welcome.” she said with a squeeze back.

Lucy only had the one bed but it was large enough that it didn't feel too awkward, plus I was so knackered that I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke up when I noticed movement from the other side of the bed.
“Good morning.” I sleepily murmured.
“Morning beautiful.” she replied.
We both did our morning ablutions and went outside to stretch and do our Tai Chi short forms. It is a great way to wake up. The air was cold and crisp, fresh and invigorating. We together made a proper breakfast and relaxed in great company.
“The plan for today is to move Lucy to her secondary mooring site. Then I need to go to 23 and prepare the ground for your arrival. I figure around lunchtime, I pick you up, we go out and have lunch and then I take you to 23.”
“Sounds like a plan. Do you have any books I can read whilst you are out.”
“I will set you up on my pad with a kindle app. You are welcome to buy a few books or there are loads of free ones to check out.”

Travelling the canal is really quite peaceful. The boat doesn't go much faster than a walking pace, there is beautiful green scenery everywhere you look and a few weirs to navigate that add interest. I can see why it is a popular holiday in the summer. It took us a couple of hours to arrive. There were these houses whose garden backed onto the canal. One of them, which ended up being our destination, had proper mooring posts fitted with a fairly substantial granny flat at the end of the garden, near the canal.

We tied the boat off and Tracy showed me around. She owned the house and rented it out to students and kept the granny flat with access to the road for herself and any guests she might have. Now that I was joining her this would be the main place where we would be living with trips back to the campsite every Saturday for the Sunday fun. The granny flat had 2 bedrooms, an open plan kitchen/ lounge/ diner, a laundry room with a large washer and dryer, and a beautiful bathroom with spa bath and large shower.

“Time has gotten away from us. I forget how long it takes to travel by boat. Change of plans, we will go out, grab a bite to eat and both go to 23. While you are getting settled I will start my admin stuff. When I am ready, I will interview you in my office. Theoretically to find out your real name, age and other details that you are willing to divulge.”
“Won't that look a bit odd?”
“I am not normally the person who does those interviews, but we do try and get our occupants to open up. Usually the more they tell us, the more we can help them. I have told Martha that we have made a connection and that I was even thinking of inviting you to stay with me. She is probably expecting me to take a more active role with you. Ideally, you stay for a couple of days then I take you home.”
“Cool. What can I do to help?”
“Just gather your used clothes and handbag. Do you reckon you can get by with the wig for a couple of days and what about hiding your... you know, your extra bits.”
“I won't have to get changed in front of anyone, will I?”
“You each have your own room although they are very small. The bathrooms do have locks, but I have heard of girls picking them when they get annoyed with someone hogging the bathroom.”
“I will make do with sponge baths, I can do that in my room. It's only for a couple of days, I can manage. Do you have a wedge I can borrow? I'm not sure I should trust the bedroom locks if I can't trust the bathroom ones.”
“Why don't you have a quick shower now and I'll try and find you a wedge.”

Chapter 11

I went to the bathroom as Tracy disappeared back to Lucy. I needed to be quick so a shower was an obvious choice, but I was anxious just thinking about it. I kept repeating to myself 'I know I am safe, I know I am safe.' As I approached the shower door, my heart was pounding. I was hyper-aware of all the sounds around me. I reached for the handle and heard a door shut, and I jumped. I may have squealed, I'm not sure. Someone started knocking on the bathroom door. My mind was in such a strange place that my first thought was that it was Nathan.
“Are you alright in there?” Tracy asked.
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. “Yeah.” I don't think I was very convincing though.
“Can I come in?”
I unlocked the door and let her in.
She took one look at me and went straight to an embracing hug. “I've got you.”
When the hug started, I think I was rigid with stress and as it continued I was able to relax.
“What happened?”
“I'm sorry.”
“It's alright, darling, its alright. What happened?” she asked me again.
“Showers, er..., make me er... scare me.”
“Oh, err..., Oh, I see. That's OK. Why don't you run a quick bath. We've got time.”
“You sh...sure? I can use a flannel.”
She rubbed my back and gave my forehead a quick kiss and let me go. “I'm sure.” Then she started getting the bath going. I think I already love this woman.

I was as quick as I could be, got into some fresh underwear but had to put my dress back on. Tracy helped me with my wig, but I tried first on my own and did alright, I think. We decided against make up. I wasn't used to putting it on or removing it, which would be unusual for a girl my age. It was best avoided altogether. Then we were off. The bath had helped to settle me but going to this home was beginning to worry me.

We had lunch in a cafe. I had a chicken caesar salad. I couldn't cope with anything heavier on my stomach. Tracy had a panini with melted brie and roasted peppers and other vegetables. I'll admit, looking at hers, I was a little jealous. I guess she noticed as she cut a section off and passed it to me without saying a word. It was delicious. If we came back, I'm definitely having that. We both had the juice of the day which was carrot, apple and ginger. Surprisingly tasty and almost a meal in itself.

We arrived at house No 23 and knocked politely. We had to look into a camera before we were buzzed open.
“Tight security.” I said.
“This home is also used for women escaping from abusive husbands. Bear that in mind and don't tell anyone this address, unless you have to. If you see anyone lurking or looking suspicious, report it immediately. Women have been killed, just because they didn't want to be tortured or their children hurt. It is also set up as a bit of a maze.”

We waited in the hallway and after a couple of minutes Martha arrived.
“Wonderful, Tracy managed to convince you to join us.” She approached with a huge smile and held a hand out for me to shake.
I smiled nervously back and gave her hand a quick shake.
“Let me show you around. I would introduce you to the other girls, but they are at work or school at the moment.” She drew me away from Tracy and started showing me where everything was. The house was 3 houses in one. Only the one entrance and the women in danger would live in the furthest house. Anyone coming to trouble them would have to go through 2 houses to get to them, which would, hopefully give them enough time to go to the panic room and lock themselves in. There I was introduced to 2 families, both Indian women with girl children. One of them still had bruises and a black eye. If that was what we could see, I hated to imagine what was hidden. They were on lockdown, unable to leave the house. When they first arrive they are in the most danger. Those husbands could act really crazy.

The other 2 houses were for young girls who found themselves without shelter. There was another shelter they were associated with which was for young boys or men, but it wasn't close. Those willing to stay had to abide by the rules and their were no second chances. No boys, they wouldn't even be let in the front door. No stealing, from each other or shops. No alcohol or drugs of any kind. This place was an opportunity to get back on your feet. Food and shelter with help in finding jobs or finishing education. She tried to quiz me and I tried to give vague and non-specific answers. Her smile didn't dim and I could feel genuine warmth behind it. “We will give you a little while to settle in, but if you really want to get sorted, we will need to know how to help you. I don't expect you to trust me having just met me, but I don't have an agenda, I just want to help, honest.”

I left my stuff in my bedroom and relaxed in the lounge. There was a laptop at a desk and shelves above with a very varied selection of books. The television was hung on the wall with the remote on a little shelf underneath it. The laptop had a hard wired internet connection and a security wire that meant you couldn't move it more than a few inches. I looked up some song lyrics thinking I should, perhaps, learn another song. I looked up Songbird hoping it would give ideas of the songs like it. To my surprise I found it was also a Fleetwood Mac song. I went through some of their other songs and listened to them on youtube. Oh Daddy hit a nerve, so I started memorising it. I wasn't sure I could sing that one without breaking down. I wanted to find another one that represented the growing love I was feeling towards Tracy. It would have to wait though as Tracy collected me and we went to a small office.

Chapter 12

“Right Sophie, we have a couple of options.” She said, holding up 2 birth certificates. “Abigail Faulkner, I think, is the best option. She is an orphan. Lived with her parents until age 14, ran away from her foster homes, mainly in London. Arrived here age 16 and disappeared after only a few weeks. That was 2 years ago. The only issue is that you would be 18 and to be honest, you don't even look 16. Looking young for your age is no crime and make up, properly applied, can probably get you to look age appropriate. Then we have Rebecca Stevens. She would be 17 but she does have living relatives. She was removed from their care from a young age. She was here a year ago and stayed almost 3 months. Again disappeared, never to be seen again. She also had a brother, so if either he or her parents decided to look for her, it could be a problem. I don't think it likely. A higher risk than Abigail though.”
“Whatever you think is best.”
“Right, I'll take your birth certificate, Abigail, and arrange to change your name by d-poll. It also means I can formally adopt you, If you want, of course.” For once she looked a bit uncertain.
“Remember mum, we have a verbally agreed contract, making it formal will just be icing on the cake.”
She smiled hugely. “Great. We just need to work out your name. You still want to go with Sophie?”
“Yes. My name is Sophie. Yes it feels right.”
“What would you like as your surname?”
“What is yours?”
“Green. I don't think you can go with that. Flower could be associated with it and we don't want any connection between the two.”
“What is your maiden name?”
“Hastings. I thought about changing back to it, but didn't want Steph to feel like I was distancing myself from her.”
“Sophie Hastings. I like it. Do you think I need a middle name?”
“Do you want one? There is no requirement for one.”
“Not really.”
“Let's leave it at Sophie Hastings then. I'll have a chat with Martha, tell her that you are an orphan and 18, then she will be less worried about getting you in school or that worried parents are going to be knocking on her door. I will also mention that I am thinking strongly of inviting you to live with me. Waiting only to talk to Steph before asking you. I think I will also mention that I am thinking of going on holiday if the right deal comes up, in case she needs to find cover for my volunteering work. I will arrange to see my lawyers and bring any paperwork you need to sign tomorrow. I don't really see any need for you to stay any longer than tonight. Tomorrow you can come back with me.”
“Yay. The longer I stay here, the more risk, I think.”

She guided me back to the lounge and left me to it. I went back to the laptop and carried on researching songs. Some to refresh my memory of the lyrics and also to try and find songs that resonated with me that I could learn. I figured, if I was to even consider singing for a living, I needed more breadth of knowledge.

I usually have great situational awareness, trained into me by numerous attacks. One of the easiest way to avoid incidents was to be aware of what people around you were doing. This time, however, I was so engrossed I didn't notice a girl standing behind me, tapping her foot. The room had carpet, so it was hardly a loud noise but it did cause me to spin round.
“Oh, Hi. I'm Sophie.”
“Good for you. Have you finished. I want to check my email.” said this fairly pretty 16 year old wearing a school uniform. I say fairly pretty, because the expression on her face soured my impression of her. She was one of the girls at the campfire.
“No worries.” I closed everything down and moved away to give her access. I checked the available books and found one that I thought might be worth reading and retreated to the sofa.
“Do you mind?” she asked me.
“Mind what?”
“I'm looking at my emails. It's private. I don't want you looking over my shoulder. Could you” she made a shooing gesture “go somewhere else.”
I was a good 2 metres away, sitting on a sofa, hardly in a position to see what she was doing. I considered her for a minute. I didn't want her to think she had intimidated me, on the other hand, I was only going to be here for one night, and she probably felt I was invading her territory. I almost laughed when I had a mental picture of a her lifting her leg and pissing on the computer and saying 'MINE'.
“Sure. I will have more pleasant company in my room.” As I left I heard a muttered 'Bitch' behind me.

I read for awhile. The book didn't really grab me so I wondered to the kitchen to see if I could help. Sam was there and at least she smiled when she saw me.
“Hi beautiful.”
“Hi Sam. Do you want some help?”
“That would be great. I guess you are not on the roster yet, are you?”
“No.”
“Volunteering for work, you must be crazy.”
“I think I was worried that if the wrong person was cooking, my dinner would have spit in it.”
She laughed. “You've met the pack then. Or less politely, the three bitches.”
“One of them.”
“I'm guessing you're street, like me?”
“Yup.”
“They think they are better than us, coz they never had to go street.”
“Oh well, can't please everyone. So, what are we cooking.”

I'm not a great cook, never really had the chance or inclination. I can follow instructions and Spag bol is pretty easy. Sam was pretty good company and kept me entertained whilst we got everything ready. The quantities were huge. We were cooking for 8 girls aged 14 to 20 and the 2 families that I had met earlier and Martha, of course. They didn't eat with us, just took their plates and disappeared back to their separate kitchen. So there were 9 of us, 8 girls and Martha, sitting around a table meant to seat 8. A little squashed but not too bad. Martha kept the conversation going, but it was an uphill battle. The pack just consisted of the three girls and they refused to talk to or answer anyone but Martha or another pack member. The rest of us just ignored them. Sam talked about the campfire and how great it was and what a good singer I was. Martha was agreeing and trying to convince the other girls to go next time. The pack I could tell was undecided on whether to heap scorn on me or continue the not talking policy.

As soon as everyone had finished the pack disappeared and the washing was left to 2 of the girls that I was talking to. Amy, aged 14 and Sarah aged 17. They both seemed nice. Amy was particularly shy and hardly said a word and Sarah was a comedian coming out with outrageous stories that were hilarious. I was half tempted to just stay in the kitchen area whilst they were there to keep them company and hear the next outrageous thing Sarah was going to say.

Instead, I went back to my room to grab my book so I could exchange it. Upon entering, I found my clothes all across my bed. The only things missing was a bit of money that I brought in case of emergencies (£10), my hat, scarf and a pack of new underwear that I hadn't opened yet. I felt weirdly violated. Someone handling your underwear and stuff, just feels wrong in a very uncomfortable way. I was pretty sure who was responsible and my first instinct was to aggressively confront them. I'm not naturally an aggressive person and I have never started a fight in my life, so I started thinking how else I could deal with it. Then it occurred to me that this was a serious offence in this household. Anyone caught would lose their place, so who would risk that? Unless it was a frame job. I report the missing items, the house is searched and the items are mysteriously found in a girls room, who claims innocence.

I figured Sam was the best person to figure this out. I knocked on her door and explained the situation. The first thing we did was search her room and surprise, surprise, there it all was, minus the money. I guess the money would be very hard to chase or prove, but it did give me an idea. We went to Martha with my idea and we put the plan into action.

Chapter 13

Everyone gathered in the dining room like in an Agatha Christie novel.
Martha stood up and addressed us. “I was a bit worried that we had thief in our midst and as you all know, anyone caught stealing, is asked to leave. When Sophie decided to join us I thought it would be a good idea to lay a trap for a would be culprit. We marked a £10 note with invisible ink that only shows up under UV light and left it in her purse. Now, before we go any further, I really don't like losing anyone. So I am going to give the thief one chance to own up. If you do, you will be punished, but I won't kick you out.”
One of the pack, started hyperventilating and looking with fear at the other 2. “Alice, do you have something you need to tell me?”
“It was just a joke. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.”
“I'm sure you are. Can you go and get the money and give it back to Sophie. Then come to my office. Everyone else, you are free to go.”
Alice returned my money and went with Martha, a very subdued girl.

I went to the lounge, exchanged my book and returned to my room. I didn't want any more confrontations. I read until I felt tired, sorted myself out for bed, leaving the wig in and slept.

I woke to a loud crash in the middle of the night. I was startled awake from a deep sleep so it took a few moments to even remember where I was. I heard aggressive shouting and there was something about it that niggled at me as being wrong. I put my jeans on, made sure my wig was on tight still, and opened my door to peek out. Then I realised what had niggled at me. It was a man's voice. Men were not allowed here.

I walked towards the noise. I wanted to see what was going on. As I rounded a corner I could see a large Indian man shouting at Martha. I don't know what he was saying. Either his accent combined with his anger was making him unintelligible or he was speaking in a different language. He gave up on verbal communication and shoved Martha into a wall and headed towards me. I suppose I should have moved to the side to let him pass, but he had just hurt Martha and I was angry so I stayed in his way.

He carried on walking towards me and reached out with both hands to push me out of the way. I grabbed his hands and fell backwards tucking my feet under me as I fell. So he landed on me with my feet in his midsection. Still holding his hands I launched him over me into the wall behind me. I let go of his hands before they were seriously harmed. He hit the wall upside down and lay there for a few seconds stunned, which was all the time I needed to roll him onto his front and lock his arm in a pain compliance hold.

I could sense Martha approaching, but kept my focus on the man. “Are you alright?”
“Yes dear, I'm fine. Can I take over, I don't want you involved with this.”
She took a similar hold to mine on the other arm. “Could you go to my office and call the police?”
The man started shouting at her again but if he was trying to get her to release him, I couldn't see it physically. I hurried to her office and phoned the police, carrying the mobile phone and taking it to Martha.

The police arrived and took him away. I downplayed my involvement, suggesting that he tried to walk through me and tripped and fell on me. I kicked out to get him off me and then Martha held him down. All true, of course, just not the full truth. I still had to give a statement and sign my name. I debated whether to sign as Abigail or Sophie and, in the end went with Sophie. I figured, in the unlikely event I ended up in court, by then, Sophie would be the right name.

I didn't feel I could go back to bed. The front door was a mess and Martha had to make some phone calls to get help at that ungodly hour. None of the other girls showed their faces until breakfast time. They did what I was supposed to, stay in your room and lock the door. I tried to stay out of the way. All the girls had places to go and things to do. When all the girls had left, I told Martha that I was having a bath and had a quick one with the door locked and a wedge under the door as an extra precaution. I tried out Oh Daddy sung by Fleetwood Mac, Almaz sung by Randy Crawford and Fighter sung by Christina Aguilera. Then put on my retrieved new underwear, jeans, T-shirt and jumper. I was looking forward to getting to Tracy's place and the clothes she had bought me and her washing machine.

I went back onto my song research. I wanted to sing something for Tracy. It was really tricky. I couldn't sing a mother daughter relationship one. As much as I was calling her mum and she was treating me like a daughter, we had only known each other for a couple of days. We needed more time to grow into that relationship. I did find one song that I loved and thought could work. Happy by Pharrell Williams. It was a really different song, completely unlike anything I had sung before. I would have to have my eyes open and everyone's attention would be on me, unless.... What if the girls from 23 did a dance number like I had seen on youtube? I could sing it and they could dance to it, the focus wouldn't be on me and I could express to Tracy some of the joy she had given me. I created a new email address for my new name and emailed Sam with the idea.

Tracy came in around noon, said hello to me and then spent some time with Martha before approaching me. We went back to her office so that she could convince me to stay with her. We actually spent the time signing documents the lawyers had prepared and going through my eventful stay. Then I went to Martha and thanked her then I went to my room, gathered all my sheets and used towels and put them in a hamper. My meagre possessions were packed away and we were off for lunch.

Chapter 14

We went to an organic vegetarian restaurant. I didn't even know they existed. The food was great though. I had a leek bake. I have no idea what was in it, but it was very filling.
Something had been bugging me. I think it was that Tracy was less surprised than I would have expected by somebody attacking the house.
“When I told you about the man attacking the house, you didn't seem very shocked. Does that sort of thing happen a lot?”
“Not frequently, but it is not that uncommon. Some cases of spousal abuse can be caused by a clash of cultures, a different set of beliefs. If you believe that women are less than men and that your wife has to obey you and your community believe the same. Then, when a woman leaves, the man feels she has shamed him and the only way to redeem himself is to retrieve her. Then, of course, his duty is to teach her the error of her ways. Of course, it can be something less complicated. Some men think of women as possessions. Generally, her best chance is to not be found. We try and keep the location secret and say it is only used for street kids to find their feet. It does not take much for that defence to fail. This is the 3rd attack that I have heard of. It is the first that got through a substantial front door. Thanks to you, it is also the first where the culprit was caught.”
“I hope they throw the book at him.”
“Thank god nobody was hurt.”
“Apart from him and he deserved it.”
“Quite. I think I might add a donation specifically for a better front door. If it wasn't for you, I would hate to think what could have happened. Maybe get Martha a taser. Now you have faced some of the pitfalls of girlhood, overaggressive men and bitchy girls. I think you handled it pretty well. I'm proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.”
“Thanks mum.” Changing the subject as quickly as possible. “Nice restaurant, you certainly know how to pick them.”
“Living with me, I will need to explain a few things. I am a terrible cook. I tried for years, used cookbooks, took lessons. My food still came out bland and tasteless or worse, over spiced, one way or another. At some point I had to accept, it was just not one of my gifts. Jeff, certainly let me know, and finally allowed me to hire a chef. When we divorced, I could hardly employ a chef to cook just for me, so I eat out a lot.”
“On your own?”
“Not always, but a lot of the time, yes. Money was not an issue, so I wasn't going to eat my own creations. Most of the friends I thought I had with Jeff, disappeared with the divorce. All the new friends I made here, didn't have any money. That doesn't bother me. But if I paid for them every time we went out, our relationship would change. I keep my financial independence a well guarded secret. When people think of you as rich, they treat you differently.”
“I can't argue with your choices. I have had some of the best meals of my life in your company. And I reckon this was even healthy.”
“Yes, as I said, I eat out a lot. The other side of that is that I had to find a lot of healthy restaurants or at least restaurants with healthy choices. Unless you either have or develop culinary skills there will be a lot more in your future. The other thing I want you to realise is that I get as much out of our relationship as you do.” I think either she is good at reading faces or I am very transparent. “Seriously, it is not all one sided. I was so used to eating alone. It was so normal for me that I forgot how much better it is to have company. And not just at meal times either. I need you as much as you need me.”

When I met her she didn't strike me as lonely, but I wouldn't have guessed that she had money either. I knew what she meant though. Sometimes you just exist, you get through the day as best as you can and if you do it often enough, you don't even notice that you are unhappy. Then a choice comes along and you can continue in your monotone world or take a chance on technicolour. I think so many of us aren't brave enough to make that choice, so sometimes the universe gives us a nudge. Without the assault, I probably would have gone through male puberty, become a man and lived a monotone existence. The universe nudged me in a rather harsh way. I was now going to become the woman I was always meant to be. I loved my father, I still love him wherever he may be, but the majority of my life has been an unhappy one. Sure, I had great times with him, but I was constantly having to ignore verbal abuse, stop physical abuse and never feel comfortable in my own skin. I was finally feeling more in tune with who I was, more relaxed with the world around me and truly happy for the first time in my life.

“I think I need to talk about money a bit more. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I can't buy your happiness or your love. And I am not going to try to. On the other hand, I do have it and I won't be able to help myself from buying stuff for you. What I need from you is to not change who you are or how you behave with me. You are my daughter and I have the right to spoil you and I will enjoy doing so. Please don't take away my pleasure by refusing it or saying something is too much or I shouldn't.”
I smiled at her and said. “Would it make you feel better if I said all those things now, when I have no idea what you are talking about.” Then I started. “You really shouldn't have..” Before I could get any further, she put a finger on my lips to shush me.
“I wish Steph was that easy. I have to fight her just to pay for dinner.”
I put my serious face on. “I realised the first time we went to dinner....”
“When you paid for me.” she interrupted me.
“Yes, when I paid for you. I realised that I was relying on you for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. You knew that and still wanted to help. The money is great and all, but that first hug, the acceptance I found in your arms. That is what mattered to me. If you were broke tomorrow, I would not love you any less.”
“Love?”
“Yes. I don't claim to be the smartest kid, but I know what love is. It is not what you say, it is what you do, how you act. You act as though I matter, you care and show it. When you feel love from somebody, how can you not feel it back. I love you. I'm sure, as our relationship develops it will get deeper and stronger, but I already feel it.”
She blinked back tears, so I got up and went behind her chair and hugged her with our heads touching. “How can you be so wise, so young?”
“I have led a life of contrast. I have felt great love and its absence. This, at least, is clear to me. My father also taught me that life is too short, when you feel a good thing. Embrace it. Acknowledge it.” I squeezed her a bit tighter.

She drove us back to her granny flat. I shouldn't call it that any more. She drove us home. “Everything is now in process. It is just a waiting game. Whilst we are waiting, how would you like to spend your time?”
“What do you do?”
“As you know, I go out for my meals, a few are regular times with friends. I usually spend a few hours at 23 doing admin stuff. I spend a few hours each week, usually at the weekend managing my money. I would be happy to show you how I make my money, but you would have to do some studying to understand it. I read books and weather permitting, go for long walks. Worry less about what I do, and more about what you would like to do. Emphasis on like.”
“I have been thinking about what you said with my singing. I love doing it, but don't really like the attention. There are also so many talented people that I am not sure if it would be a great idea to hang all my hopes on it.”
“Fair enough. If you enjoy it, I think you should, at least, pursue it. Whether it ends up as a hobby or work doesn't matter.”
“I agree. But I want a back up plan. Do you really think I could learn how you make money?”
“Absolutely. It is not rocket science. I will have to think about how to go about it though. I have never even showed anybody. I thought about teaching Steph, but she was not interested.”
“That would be great. Apart from wanting more vigorous exercise, your lifestyle sounds like what I would like, too. I loved doing my Aikido training. I don't think I can continue that, it is too closely linked to Flower and you can't just show up with 8 years worth of training and no evidence of it.”
“Why don't you start from fresh with a different martial art?”
“Mmm...Yes, I think I would like that. What do you think I could learn?”
“I have no idea. You would have to research that. I don't mind driving you and I might even join you. It could be fun. So, do you want me to arrange voice coach lessons?”
“Yes. Do you think we should wait until we return from Thailand?”
“Umm.. that might be easier. Do all the research now and start properly when we return.”

When we arrived I went to my bedroom and found Christmas had come early. I had a pile of presents neatly wrapped on my bed.

Chapter 15

I took them through to the lounge area.
“Why don't you open them.” Tracy said.
“I will, I just wanted to do it in front of you. I think the rule should be if I am not going to complain about you spoiling me, you should be around for me to say thank you.”
“Deal.”
I waited for her to get her cup of tea and sit on the sofa. The first present was a mobile phone.
“I've put you on my plan. Use it as much as you want to. The data is limited but we have broadband with wifi here, so you just need to connect to it for that.”
I gave her a smile, quick hug and kiss. “Thank you mum.”
“You're welcome.”
The next box was quite a bit larger. It was a laptop. I gave her another kiss and squeeze. “Thank you mum.”
“It's a 2 in 1. Touchscreen so you can use it as a pad. I will set you up later with a Kindle account and Netflix.”
There was perfume, and various make up supplies. “I don't use a lot of make up. I can show you what I do. When we come back from holiday, I will take you to a spa and arrange some make up lessons with someone there. Someone more your age.”
“Thanks mum.” I put on some lipstick and tried to give her a big kiss on her cheek, but she ran away laughing.
We set up my phone with a Google account, my details and her money, so I could buy games if I wanted. I opened an amazon account, again with her credit card details. I said I didn't need Netflix, but she wanted to give me the option, and set that up for me too. I sent another email to Sam with my new phone number in case she wanted to call.

I gathered all my dirty washing and few things from Tracy and set off a load. I wanted another bath. I had already had one that morning, but then had to put on clothes that I had worn for a few days. I felt icky. The tricky thing with only one bathroom and more importantly, only one toilet meant I felt uncomfortable locking Tracy out. I didn't really want Tracy seeing my non female bits. If I couldn't trust her, who could I trust.
“Is it OK if I have a bath.”
“You don't need to ask. Mi casa es tu casa.”
I took a deep breath. “This is awkward to talk about. There is only one bathroom.”
“I can go to Lucy if I need to.”
“But I don't want you to. I mean, it's only us girls here. I'll leave the door unlocked, just let me know if we have visitors.”
“Oh. If you're sure.”
“I trust you Tracy. I will feel better after our holiday. Still, I trust you. Living with you is going to be a dream for me. I refuse to feel any awkwardness.”
“You can't deny how you feel.”
“No, but familiarity breeds contempt. In fact, please visit me while I am in the bath, even if it is just to check on me or have a chat. It will help me settle.”
“I can do that.”

She visited me twice, engaging me in small talk. She kept eye contact both times and I don't know why, but I felt more accepted. I practised Almaz and Fight Song by Rachel Platten. I got out, all relaxed and went for a nanna nap in a nighty and panties.

When I woke up I put on fresh underwear, Jeans, T-shirt and jumper, but this time, it was all clean. Such a luxury. Sam had phoned while I was asleep and since I had left my phone in the lounge, Tracy had answered. I phoned her back.
“Hi Sam.”
“Hi beautiful.”
I carried the phone to my room, I wanted the happy song, if we did it, to be a surprise. “So what do you think, fancy a dance?”
“You've really started something here. Amy doesn't talk much about her past, but I am guessing, dancing was a part of it. When I asked the girls she practically lit up.”
“This is the shy Amy?”
“Not where dance is concerned. She begged us to do it. The pack is typically uninterested. I don't think they are allowed to go anyway, part of the punishment thing, along with lots of chores.”
“So that is a yes then?”
“Definitely, Amy is working out the chorography from something she has seen on youtube and we are all going to practice like crazy. It is going to be wicked.”
I spoke quietly. “I am going to dedicate it to Tracy and I want to keep it a secret from her.”
“Ahh, that's sweet.”
“So the pack aren't troubling you?”
“I think they know they are on thin ice with that last stunt. They are behaving themselves.”
“What did you do to them for them to try and get you kicked out?”
“It's not what I did, it's what I am.”
“Huh, I don't follow you.”
“I'm a lesbian.” She said it with this almost apologetic voice.
“Oh. And?”
“And what?”
“Well, that can't be the only reason. You don't fancy one of them do you?”
“Not if they were the last girl on earth. You don't mind, do you.”
“I would be very hypocritical if I did.”
“What? Are you serious?”
“I am going through a late puberty. I wasn't really interested in anybody when everybody was going sex crazy.”
“Sex crazy?”
“You know. Talking about it all the time, like nothing else mattered. So far, I have only been attracted to girls, so I think I am a lesbian too.”
“Doesn't that bother you.”
“It would bother me a lot more if I was attracted to boys, they are yucky. Just. Yuck.”
“Definitely a lesbian.”
“At least I am in good company.”
“Thanks.”

Chapter 16

We got into a bit of a routine. We would get up and do the two Tai Chi forms, outside if the weather was good, try and clear a space inside and do it there otherwise. Mostly we skipped breakfast and just had a hot drink. I think eating out for 2 main meals a day was more than enough food and I couldn't cope with a big breakfast as well. I would then do some strength training while Tracy would have a shower and go to the shelter.

I would then have a bath and practice Happy and any other song I was trying to memorize. Then I would do some computer time. I was researching songs and going over the ones I liked. Tracy had chosen our holiday destination and there were a lot of optional extras, so I was looking into what I was going to have done, she had told me to go wild. I also had to find out what different martial arts would be available without too much travel.

Tracy was a Forex trader and to understand how she traded, I first had to be conversant with the terminology. As homework, I had to do a course online called Babypips and the School of Pipsology. I would usually be stuck in that when Tracy returned home to pick me up for lunch.

Steph wanted to join in by playing the keyboard with my singing, so depending on her schedule, we would meet up, most afternoons. We were going to do 4 songs, but we were practicing a few others as well. When Tracy had a break, I managed to mention to Steph that I was also going to do Happy and the girls were going to dance. She wanted to be a part of it, so she was going to practice separately so she could join in as well.

When we went out to dinner, sometimes Steph would join us. She was trying to convince a few of her friends from Uni to join us on Sunday. Spending time with Steph and Tracy was really heart-warming. It was beginning to feel like a real family. We called each other sis and Tracy was mum. I had never experienced anything like it. During the evening I would quite often have a chat with Sam and catch up with the goings on at the house. Friends and a family, can life get any better than that.

The weather on Saturday was wet for our travel back to the campfire mooring site, but the forecast was good for Sunday. Martha had decided to change things a bit for this campfire. There was going to be an entertainment area set aside, so more people would be able to see. Saturday evening Jason came round to visit. Apparently, he had been trying to get in contact all week, but we had disappeared from our mooring. I had to explain that I was staying with Tracy and Lucy only had the one bedroom, so during the week, we were staying at a 2 bed flat.

He had written a song for me. He was hoping that I would sing it. He was so excited as he gave me his notes.
“Shall I sing it first?”
“That would be great.” Its title was 'Young love.' It was a story of a beautiful girl falling instantly in love with a boy playing a guitar. She then acts like a crazy stalker to get his attention. It was a good song. Well crafted, good melody. That didn't change the fact that I had zero connection to it and he was acting like an overeager puppy who could be crushed by the slightest criticism. What the hell was I going to say? Do you come up with a plausible lie, make an excuse or give it to him straight. I am crap at lying, so my choices were reduced to sing it anyway just to please him or be brutally honest with him. If I sang it, would he think I was like the girl in the song?
“Er...Jason. First of all, I have been preparing all week to sing 4 or possibly 5 songs, accompanied by keyboard and violin so ….”
“Oh. OK, that makes sense. That's actually why I was trying to talk to you earlier. I was also hoping to add my guitar to your songs as well.”
“I have a mobile now, so we can keep in contact a bit easier. The other thing is kinda embarrassing to admit. Well, er..., I guess I just have to say it. I've never been in love.”
“Oh, OH.”
“It is a good song. It is a great song.”
“But”
I smiled sadly. “But, until I have experienced those kind of emotions I just couldn't do it justice.”
He left with the kicked puppy expression I had been dreading.
Tracy had tried to give us space, but on Lucy, there really isn't any privacy, so she had heard everything.
“How do you think I handled it?”
“Not bad. Not sure it was a good idea to tell him you are a virgin.”
“I didn't say that!” I was shocked.
“You, sort of, heavily implied it.”
“Oh shit.”
“Language young lady.”
“I think a bit of profanity was essential to properly express myself.”
She chuckled. “Maybe, but you may have destroyed one fantasy and created another for him. You have also given him a challenge. Giving him your phone number may not be the best plan.”
“What do you think about him joining our songs with his guitar.”
“I don't have a problem with it. We will ask Steph later. The only thing is, you will probably have to do more songs, otherwise the entertainment section will be significantly shortened. I have known Jason for awhile, he seems a nice kid, and the rumour is, has been very successful with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Your not being interested, he might suspect is playing hard to get.”
“That sounds like a catch 22. How am I supposed to convince him I really am not interested.”
“You have a couple of options. You could channel your inner bitch, if she exists. Or show obvious interest in someone else. On the other hand, he might parade someone else in front of you, as a way to make you jealous.”
I put my head in my hands. “This sounds way too complicated.”
Tracy patted me on my back. “The normal social complications of being an attractive, talented teenage girl.”

Chapter 17

The campfire was set up very similarly to last time but this time there was an area which was marked off with 4 logs that was going to be the entertainers stage. I followed Tracy around like last time and helped where I could. A lot more people wanted to talk to me, but I was still feeling shy and couldn't help keeping my answers short. Then Ellie came up to me and took me off to show me her new act. She was going to try using 3 hula hoops, one on each arm as well as the usual one. Let's face it, she was only 5, it looked really cute, but not that successful. She was a little chatterbox, telling me all about her day. Her parents decided that I needed rescuing and convinced her to let me go with the promise that she would see me again, but probably best left until after I had finished singing.

Martha arrived with Sam, Amy, Sarah and Harriet. None of the pack in sight. I helped them bring the food and we had a whispered conversation to arrange when we would perform. I was feeling nervous and wanted to go for it early. After the kids had finished and the jugglers I would try and be next. We would sing 4 songs then give them the nod to approach.

Sam was acting very nervous around me, so when I had the chance, I took her aside and quizzed her.
“Have I done something to upset you?”
“No, its nothing, I'm fine.”
“Come on Sam. We are friends aren't we?”
“Yes. Of course we are.”
“If we are friends, we have to be honest with each other.”
“Well, if we are going to be honest, I have to say, your bum looks really big in those jeans.”
I just looked at her with raised eyebrows.
“It's a nice bum though. Alright, alright. I'll tell you. Can I ask you a question first?”
“Sure.”
“Who have you come out to?”
“I've definitely told Tracy. I think Steph knows as well.”
“So its not the reason you went street?”
My mind flashed back to the shower and the men around me and that thing in front of my face. “No, that was something else.” I don't know what was on my face, but I don't think it hides much.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry.” She hugged me. “I won't bring that up again. I came out to my parents about 6 months ago. No one took it well. All my family is pretty religious and they tried to punish it out of me, like it was a choice. Like I would chose it.” It was my turn to comfort her.
“The only thing that bugged me when you told me was the implication that there was something wrong with it. You are who you are. If you want to bring God into it, surely he made you the way you are for a reason.”
“I'm sorry, its just that I keep expecting you to... I don't know.....reject me somehow.”
“Err...you are an attractive girl, but I'm not looking for a relationship just now. Will that do?”
She laughed. Kissed me on the cheek. “Thank you.” She then looked a bit more serious with a twinkle in her eye. “When you are ready, let me know.”
I felt a little shiver go through me. The song I'll stand by you by the Pretenders came to mind. That would be a great song to sing for her.

I saw Steph arrive bringing a few friends. They brought a few pizzas to add to the food table. One of them, Maria, was doing some kind of media studies and asked permission to record us. None of us minded, so she disappeared to get more permissions before it all started. It wasn't long before the bell rang and the call “food is ready” rang out.

I didn't eat too much, I was getting nervous. There was lots of laughter and fun around me as everyone relaxed and enjoyed themselves. We were heading towards the middle of November and with clouds overhead the darkness came on quite quickly. There is something comforting and mesmerising in the dance of the flames. I allowed them to settle me somewhat as we waited for everyone to finish their food and the entertainment to start. Again it kicked off with the kids. Ellie was so cute, but her routine was a bit of a disaster. Although there was lots of applause, I could see that she was disappointed, so I shook off my nerves to go up to her and comfort her. She ran to her parents to drop off the hoops and then ran back to stay with me, sitting on my lap as we watched the rest. The jugglers upped their game and used these mini torches that they lit dramatically from the campfire before starting. Jason was nowhere to be seen, so I was hoping to start after they had finished.

I led Ellie, holding her hand, back to her parents while Steph set up her keyboard in the stage area and Tracy got out her fiddle. Her friend Maria set up her camera on a tripod in front of us. I set myself behind Tracy and Steph in a chair. We had decided to start with Songbird again. This was mainly to help me settle. So I closed my eyes and found my zone. Steph and Tracy started and I slipped in as we had practised. It was getting easier and more comfortable stepping into my connection to the song and releasing it. I could feel the tears tracking down my face as I thought of my father. When I finished, with only a mild pause we headed into Oh Daddy. I loved the work Tracy and Steph were doing to really add depth to the song. After I had finished singing, Tracy did a really soulful violin solo. We followed that with Almaz which started with a Steph intro. It's a very wistful song very suited to piano accompaniment, but just the little touches of violin added an extra dimension. When that finished I opened my eyes and stood up. I think everyone thought we had finished as they started applauding.

We waited for the noise to die down then Steph started the intro to Fight Song and the crowd quietened. I have been fighting all my life and I have always been outnumbered and outweighed. I loved the lyrics emphasising small actions with big results. But this was what I would call an external song. The previous songs were from my emotions within and this song was me shouting defiance to the world, so I had to look it in the eye and declare it. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could do it. I was not use to attention from lots of people. I had lived my life trying to be invisible. And when I caught someone's notice there would usually be a nasty confrontation. But right then and there, I was in my comfort zone, I had friendly people around me and I let it out. My anger, my defiance, my willingness to fight, to stand up for myself to not be a doormat. It poured out of me in a cathartic way. When I finished, I actually felt better.

We had lots of claps and cheers again and Tracy got ready to leave. I put my hand on her shoulder to try and indicate 'not yet'. She looked at me with a question in her eyes, but I couldn't say anything until the noise settled. When it did I said to her in a loud voice, so everyone could hear “I have one more song to sing tonight and I am dedicating it to you and how you make me feel. I then waved to the girls who approached us and then turned around to face the audience in a diamond formation. Now Steph, the girls and I, had all practised the song Happy separately, so it had a potential for disaster. All I can say is, it was awesome. I couldn't really see the girls dancing, not until later anyway, when we could watch Maria's video recording, but singing it to Tracy who was crying, hopefully happy tears, was just joyous. Before we got to the end I could see Ellie and her parents dancing along with quite a few others. We had to sing it again to give enough time for dancing.

Chapter 18

It was such a buzz. You couldn't wipe the smile off Tracy's face. I hugged all the girls. Amy was practically tripping she was so excited. We all migrated back to the area we had staked out earlier. I sat in a camp chair with Ellie on my lap and we all discussed what we were going to do next week. Amy wanted to do it again, but also wanted me to sing another dance song so that they could do another routine. She seemed so different from the girl I met at the house. I guess when you spark someone's passion you can really bring them to life. Ellie was a bit more awake than last week and wanted to get in on the dancing and jumped off my lap so that Amy could show her some moves. She begged Amy to join in the dancing next week, and then when Amy said it was up to her parents, she raced off to find them. Amy went off to get Martha, then they all had a group huddle to make some plans.

I did say that Tracy had promised me a holiday and we were waiting for the right deal to turn up, but were pretty sure we would be here next Sunday, weather permitting. We were able to look at Maria's recording on her camera. It was only a tiny screen but I could see the girls had done themselves proud. She told us she was going to upload it all to her youtube channel, so we could all have a look at it later.

When there was a bit of quiet Steph crouched down to speak softly to me and Tracy who were sitting in chairs. “I have a bit of gossip for you. I'm not sure you are aware,” she said with a smile, “I have a step-brother called Laurence.” I shook my head, pretending surprise. “Apparently he ran away from school. A detective came to visit me Friday. They said it was a long shot, but they have no idea where he is, so were checking with anyone who had had contact with him. They are investigating the school with the suspicion of foul play. There were reports that he had been sexually assaulted. Another 2 children have come forward suggesting they had suffered similarly and a boy has been arrested. There was a picture of Laurence on crimestoppers. He looked like when I last saw him. He had this funny looking nose.”
“I hope it all turns out OK.” I said
“I hope his mother is coping alright.” Tracy said.
“I spoke to dad on Wednesday and he didn't mention anything, so I have no idea.”

I think the only thing making Tracy uncomfortable was that my mother would not know what happened to Laurence. I really didn't think it would be a good idea to interfere any further. Anything we did would entail some risk. Then again, maybe I was being selfish. Some risk, carefully managed, might be worth it when weighed against Tracy's peace of mind. I decided we would have a brain storming session when we got back to the flat. Maybe a letter, with my fingerprints or some blood or other DNA could be sent. We would be very careful as to what we wrote to not give any clues. I didn't have to prove anything, so I could tell the truth, tell about my assault and that Nathan had implied he had put a contract out on me. Tracy would probably want me to put something about how I was happy, or some such. We just had to make sure it could never be traced back to me.

As everything started winding down and people began to leave, Amy approached me, trying to get me to commit to another dance song. I suggested Fighter and Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. Then I suggested that Amy freestyle it on her own for the slower songs. The idea took a few seconds to ignite, but when she left a few minutes later there was definitely a fire burning. We retired to Lucy tired but exhilarated.

The next morning we made the slow journey back to the flat. We had lunch, then went to 23 together. I went on the community laptop while Tracy spent a couple of hours in the office. Then we returned home. We had a lovely surprise waiting for us. In the post box was the confirmation, my name was now Sophie Hastings. We immediately started the application for a passport and paid extra for it to be rushed. My photo looked terrible, but, at least it looked nothing like Laurence. We had a few hoops to jump through, but there are always ways and means.

I discussed the idea of a letter sent to my mother with my fingerprints on it and Tracy loved the idea. I wrote the letter with a factual account of my assault and the threat by Nathan. I didn't mention the attack in town or anything else other than I was alive and well. I also added as much as I could remember of my conversation with the headmaster. I don't think I was treated very well and this was my chance to let that out. I was tempted to end it with Regards or Kind Regards or Yours sincerely. I am not sure that my mother loves me. That is a really sad thing to say. I think the most important job any parent can do is let the child know they are loved unconditionally. My mother had definitely failed in that, but that didn't mean I didn't care for her. I ended it Love Laurence.

The next question was where to send it from. It had to be me posting it. I didn't want any other fingerprints before it went in the box. Tracy being Tracy, we made a day of it. She managed to get us tickets to Les Miserables and a stay at Hotel du Vin in Wimbledon. We drove into greater London and randomly drove down residential houses until we located a post box. I dropped it in and then we travelled to Wimbledon. We had invited Steph to join us but she had too much work going on. She still managed to find time to take me shopping for a dress. We also managed to fit in 3 practice sessions for the next campfire.

Provided there were no issues with getting the passport issued, we should receive it within the week, so this would be our last campfire for a while. We figured we might as well stay in Thailand for Christmas and New Year. Steph had some commitments with her father, so she was going to join us, flying out on boxing day. Tracy had plans to get me a whole new wardrobe whilst we were there.

Les Mis was amazing. The singing, the songs, so powerful. It was the first time I had seen it and I loved it. We had a wonderful meal in the Hotel Du Vin before we left. Since I was theoretically 18, I was allowed to have wine, but I knew that I was really 16 so it wouldn't be wise to have much. I made a deal with Tracy to have a few sips of hers to get the experience of matching wine with food. It amused me to see her wine glass with 2 sets of lipstick on it, with an almost naughty feeling that I was providing one of them.

Chapter 19

We had a leisurely morning, a late breakfast and drove home. Organised Lucy and meandered back to our campsite mooring. The weather was behaving itself. 3 campfire Sundays in a row was practically unheard of at this time of year, or so Tracy was telling me. We had 6 songs lined up. Jason hadn't contacted me and I hadn't seen him at the last campfire, so I was less worried about him. Amy was going to do a solo dance when we started with Songbird and then a routine with the girls for Happy and Walking on Sunshine.

Ellie had been having dance lessons with Amy all week and would be part of the routines. That had really kicked off. A lot of Ellie's school friends wanted to join in and Martha was trying to organise a location outside 23 for that to happen. We had been warned that the crowd might be bigger today. Besides Ellie's friends and their parents, Maria, the media student, was getting the Media Club involved. Her youtube hits were through the roof and she wanted to do a better recording this time. Discussing it with the president of the Oxford Media Club, resulted in the loan of some pretty decent AV equipment and some members wanted to come, help set up and see the show. On the comments under the youtube video, a number of people wanted to come and the location had been revealed.

Martha was the unofficial organiser and was worried about the possible numbers and the implications. There were no official toilets for example. Most of the attendee's were from the nearby houseboats and had a 100m walk at most to get back to their boat with its facilities. If you invited someone, you were expected to look after them and organise their contribution. Martha and any girls she brought were allowed to use Lucy, if they needed to. If people just turned up, well, you didn't let strangers into your home willy nilly. If the contribution system failed, there would not be enough food to go round or drink.

Tracy suggested if that were to happen, you order pizza delivered to the car park and charge per slice. The BBQ guys could charge for burgers or sausages. If the guy who brought the drinks, brought extra, proper full cans, he could sell them at a profit. Ideally, if a profit was made from the food and drink, it could subsidise the cost of hiring a portaloo. A bit of research was done and a portable toilet that charged for each visit was found. There was a cost involved, but if enough people spent a penny, so to speak, it would pay for itself.

I suggested that if there were enough people, the locals could hire out chairs and blankets, possibly even torches. Someone suggested (alright, it was me) selling sparklers, but there was a worry about the fire hazard. The alternative of luminous bands was thought a better choice.

Martha had insisted on a strict no alcohol policy. This was after a couple of incidents of unruly behaviour. Initially, this was met with fierce opposition. Martha managed to convince everyone to give it a try and see if they enjoyed themselves. I think people were surprised that they could enjoy themselves just as much without it. If people just turned up, what was to stop them from drinking and then, how would you police them. Tracy suggested putting signs up that looked as official as possible. The chances are, people wouldn't question it. Martha was going to talk to Brian. He was a 6 foot 4 inch labourer who made sure there was enough collected dead wood for the fire. If he caught anyone drinking and pointed out the signs, he could confiscate it. She didn't think anyone would argue with him.

The campsite was a pretty big area and we usually only used a small area of it, so it definitely had room to expand, but, we didn't use microphones and speakers. Would everyone be able to hear? Maria said that was not a problem, they would provide that. Power was an issue, however, a few of the houseboat owners had generators, which they could lend us.

The difficulty was working out if this extra effort was worthwhile. Until the night in question, no one was going to know how many people were going to turn up. When the youtube video reached over 20,000 hits in less than a week the consensus was that it was definitely worth it. Sketched out plans were put into place.

The worry of losing their enjoyable evening was transformed into the excitement of engaging in a money making scheme. Still, there were some who were resentful over their campfire being taken over by others. There were also a few of the locals who did not want to do their entertainment in front of a large crowd. Martha came up with a great solution. We would do a smaller campfire on the Saturday evening at which I was forbidden to sing, just in case. No one but us locals would be invited. Martha would have to miss that one, so we were going to have to provide our own food, but otherwise it would be the same.

It was an enjoyable evening. I loved being able to relax and not worry about performing later. Ellie showed me some of her dance moves, chatted a mile a minute, seemed full of energy until, quite suddenly, she wasn't, and fell asleep on my lap again. I know some people are not that fond of change and I had, inadvertently, brought that. I didn't notice any hard feelings though. Perhaps it is hard to hold on to anger towards a teenage girl sitting down with a 5 year old girl asleep on her lap.

Chapter 20

The following day dawned crisp and cold with beautiful sunshine. Steph managed to join us for our Sunday Carvery at the local pub. We then managed a bit of a rehearsal and a nice relax, before Steph borrowed Tracy's car to pick up some friends from Uni. We wondered onto the campsite a bit earlier than usual. Already it was getting busy. Martha was already there with the girls. The pack was there too, but they kept their distance.

Jason was with a tall blonde girl and he visited us, ostensibly to work out who was going to perform 1st, but really to show off this beautiful girl on his arm. Tracy had suggested that he might do something like this to get me jealous. I did not have a good enough handle on the social cues to work out if that was what this was. Regardless, I was chuckling inside as I was more attracted to her than him.

He was going to be singing his own songs again and she was going to sing the one he had shown me earlier. Since we had dancers organised, we thought it would be better if he went first. I think he wanted a different response, but I had no idea what it was, and he couldn't provide a decent reason to go with a different order.

When we went to say hello to Martha and the girls, she presented us both with luminous bracelets made from loom bands. These were to distinguish locals from non locals. That way we didn't have to pay for the food or drinks. They had also roped off an area near the stage area for us as well.

Maria and her friends turned up early as well and started setting everything up. There were 3 microphones on adjustable stands and speakers setup either side of the stage. They also set up some lights. One of the criticisms with the youtube video was that the image was too dark. Not really surprising considering the only lighting was the campfire and torches. They apologised, would you believe it, because they could only bring equipment that would run off the available electrical supply, which was 2 generators. They did have a sizeable video camera that they set up in front. They pulled me forwards to test it out for them. I guess I am getting more comfortable in front of crowds, I didn't even have to close my eyes.

More and more people were arriving. We went up to eat as soon as possible to try and avoid the crowd. Even then, we had to wait awhile. Martha had done an amazing job, but until you actually run something like this, there are always going to be things that you miss. And if you are only guessing on the numbers, everything becomes more difficult. We were used to having 30 people at the campfire. 40 would have been a really busy one. I would guess there were over 200 people and more were arriving.

The car park was overrun and people were parking all over the place. The 2 toilets that had been hired was never going to be enough. There weren't enough volunteers who were selling the food. The food stocks went quickly and pizza had to be ordered. They had to request it be delivered by motorbike so that they could get in the car park.

I will say this for the houseboaters, they pulled together fantastically. Tracy, Steph, some of her friends from Uni and I helped with the food distribution and money taking. Some houseboat owners would lead small groups of people from the queues to the toilets, back to their boats.

After a mad rush, everything started to settle. Less people were interested in food and drink, and the queues to the toilets became more manageable. Would you believe it, as I was still serving food a small crew from the BBC set up to record. I overheard them telling someone that it may never be aired, it just depended on a slow news day. We managed to escape the food station as Jason was setting up with Ashley. I enjoyed his performance, he sang only his own songs, and although his voice was not the best, I felt his lyrics and melody were good. Ashley had a better voice and sang Young Love beautifully. I applauded as did most of us locals, the rest gave a polite clap, but hadn't really stopped talking amongst themselves.

Then it was our turn. As we started setting up the crowd started quietening. I guess, after having watched the youtube video, this is what they came for. Now that I was here, I was starting to become nervous. I had been so busy up to this point, my nerves hadn't had a chance to catch up to me. So I sat down and closed my eyes. I could sense someone move the microphone down to my height and I heard Tracy call out for Amy. Mainly though I was just trying to find my zone. I took some deep breaths and even before Tracy and Steph started, I was ready.

They started with the longer intro we had discussed to use, if they thought I needed extra time. I didn't, but they didn't know that. In my mind I sang Songbird to my father. This time I imagined Amy dancing in the background. My tears started flowing. I'm not sure I will ever be able to sing that song without them. As we came to the end I opened my eyes. In front of me Amy was lying on the ground in her final pose. After a brief pause and before we could start our next song there was really loud cheering. Amy looked up. Our eyes met and we both grinned hugely. This was life.

Chapter 21

I watched Amy as she went to join her friends. I caught Sam's eye and pointed to her. I hope she would get what I meant. Steph started the intro for I'll stand by you by the Pretenders. I love songs that I can feel connected to, that have meaning to me personally. I felt that Sam had never had anyone who had stood by her. When she had revealed who she was, people had turned away, so much so that I don't think Sam believed in herself any more. Didn't value herself. I wanted her to know that I had faith in her beautiful soul. I didn't know if we would ever be more than friends, but, like the song says, I've seen the dark side, so I knew some of what she was dealing with and still believed in myself and her. I couldn't keep eye contact with her, she was off to the side and it was just too awkward, but I sang it to her and for her.

Again the crowd went wild. It was a heady feeling, but a bit overwhelming. Fortunately the next song was an internal one and much more sedate. I sat down again and closed my eyes and sang Fields of Gold. Such bittersweet memories. I believe those that love you, never really leave you, you just can't see them any more. When I sing Songbird and Fields of Gold I can almost, or at least I imagine I can, feel my father close by.

Once the audience was quiet again I stood up and started the more up tempo songs that we had prepared. Fight Song. I may be small, but I will stand up for myself. You can knock me down, but I will get right back up again. And small actions can have big consequences. It was such a release to get that angst out of me.

Then we waved the girls on and they set themselves up in front of us. I didn't see this until I could watch the video later, but they set up a diamond formation again. Ellie was in the middle. About halfway through me singing Happy, Ellie came through to the front shaking her hands in the air, did a few moves and then retreated behind the girls again. I think the audience was going to die from a sugar overload, it was so cute. Finally I sang Walking on Sunshine. Both of those songs reflected how I was feeling at the moment. It felt good to let the world know and share it with them and my family, Tracy and Steph.

It was over. I had enjoyed myself so much. Yes, I had been quite nervous, but being in front of such a large crowd and hearing their appreciation as you let your emotions out through song. Well, there were not words to describe it. Awesome. Wicked awesome. Wicked amazing awesome. Nope the words were not enough.

Tracy took the microphone and thanked everyone for coming and the locals for their help. She tried not to miss anyone. When she thought she had covered all her bases, a little voice piped up, just close enough to be picked up by the microphone. “What about me?” Ellie asked. So we especially thanked the dancers and Ellie in particular. She tried to make it quite clear that the next time we would be here was the 1st Sunday in January, weather permitting. I don't think she wanted to leave Martha with a huge crowd next Sunday and no one to sing to them.

There was a group of 6 or 7 girls Ellie's age or thereabouts who were talking animatedly with Ellie and the parents of those kids all gathered in a group as well. Hopefully that meant Amy would have some more students. Amy was talking to them with Martha as well. Sam, Harriet and Sarah came over to me. The BBC team were interviewing Steph and she was gesturing for me to come over.

She introduced me as Sophie Hastings to the camera then turned to me. “So Sophie, how long have you been singing?”
“Err...I think it is 3 weeks now.”
“You have been campfire singing for the past 3 weeks, and before that?”
“Err...I used to sing to myself in the bathroom.” I didn't think I could mention singing to my father. I didn't have a lot of information about Abigail. I know she lost her parents at 14 but not how they died or anything really. I was going to have to be vague.
“No formal lessons?”
“No.” I hoped that was the right answer.
“Well, I have to say you have great talent. How do you get so emotionally involved with your songs?”
“I think about my past and connect to the emotions I was feeling then.”
“Could you tell us a bit about that? I understand you used to live on the street.”
“Who told you that?”
“One of your friends at the shelter. I think it is wonderful how great talent can raise anyone above their circumstances. Can you tell us a bit about your life on the street?”
I wonder what else the pack has been saying about me. I had only been living on the street for one day, not even one night. I wasn't going to pretend to knowledge I didn't have. “Err...I have been much more fortunate than many. I found the shelter and more importantly I found Tracy.”
“Who is Tracy? And how did you find her?”
What was this, the inquisition. Nobody expects the inquisition. “Tracy in my adopted mum. Steph introduced us. I'm sorry, I am feeling really tired.” I turned away from the presenter to look into the camera. “Thanks for listening.” With that I made my escape.

The presenter interviewed lots of people, apparently, at random. How much, if anything, was going to be shown was anyone's guess. The girls were thrilled that the BBC had recorded them.

Chapter 22.

Sam was really appreciative of the song and gave a really long cuddle as a thank you. Harriet wanted to do more to help. Although she was enjoying the dancing her main area of expertise was computing. We discussed setting up a website and a youtube account or even selling the videos, but there were a lot of expenses and legal stuff. We all knew you had to pay somebody if you were going to sing their songs and make money from it. More research was going to be required. In the meantime, Harriet suggested setting up a facebook account giving links to the videos and create a following that could be informed later, depending on what was possible to set up. She was happy to do it and loved being involved in something both fun and rewarding.

It was getting late, so after our goodbyes we retreated to Lucy for a good night's sleep. The next morning, after our Tai Chi and breakfast we returned to the campsite to see if we needed to help with the clean up. It is surprising how much mess that is created when you get large groups of people together. We stayed cleaning up until nearly lunch time so had another pub lunch and then navigated Lucy back to our home. Tracy disappeared to do some work at 23 and I was left to my usual research and work.

Tracy booked our flights for Friday. The passport hadn't arrived yet but was due any day and she said that she could cancel easily if it hadn't arrived by Wednesday post. We had fun going over our trip. We scheduled the surgery for a week after we had arrived. Most of the rest of the trip was going to have to be of a relaxing nature as I had major surgery to recover from, but it was still fun to look at the different options and chose some fantastic locations. We decided, as we were there for almost 5 weeks, that we would swap hotels halfway through to enjoy two beautiful resorts.

We talked about the extras that I could have and what we decided was that further facial surgery was not required. We wanted me to look significantly different to Laurence, but I already did. The unintended nose and cheek job, along with the fact that nobody had seen the results due to me wearing a mask, had made all the difference. I was going to have hair extensions and dye it all dark brown to keep the contrast to my natural blonde. I wanted permanent hair removal, except for my groin. One of the more debated options was permanent make up. I have never really applied it myself and girls my age are expected to be proficient. I could learn, of course, but I didn't really have an interest in it. It also took my look further away from Laurence's, so I decided to go for it. There was a beauty consultant who would help us decide colours. I didn't need a boob job, even if they stopped where they were, which was the bigger end of B cup, considering my small size, I felt comfortable with what I had. In fact, I was hoping they would stop growing.

Tuesday morning and my passport arrived. I knew stealing someone's identity had its risks. Receiving the passport made me feel like we had overcome a huge hurdle and there was nothing stopping me from living my life. That evening I did get a frisson of fear though. Tracy and I don't normally watch a lot of TV. Martha phoned earlier and had found out somehow that there was a chance the BBC would show the Sunday Campfire. It was only a 5 minute clip that, I have to say, did show us in a good light. The singing was good and the dancing, excellent. I guess there was enough interest that someone had researched me and at one point mentioned that I had previously gone by the name Abigail Faulkner. Chances were, telling the world the name of the person whose identity I had stolen, wouldn't matter, but it raised the level of risk considerably. I was glad that in only a few more days we would be out of the public eye and in Thailand.

There were no immediate consequences, so we were hoping we had gotten away with it. The days before we left had a higher level of stress. Every time the phone rang, or Tracy spoke to Martha, I was checking her face to see if there was anything wrong. The more time that passed with no one after us, the less stress I felt. I did have stress of a different kind on Thursday.

Steph had been told that my mother, Gale, was going to appear on TV to request my safe return. I guess they had got my letter, verified it was me and now were trying to find me. I have seen a few of these before. Distraught parents begging, with tears in their eyes for the safe return of their loved ones. Truthfully, I was more worried about Tracy's reaction. If my mother pulled off a good performance, and after experiencing 16 years of her care I figured she would need to be a fantastic actress to do that, then Tracy would continually feel guilty for taking me away from her. I couldn't make Tracy unhappy, so I would have to do something and I had no idea what I should do.

I was working myself up into quite a tizz and it was all for nothing. The time arrived, my mother addressed the nation and asked politely for my safe return. She used all the right words, but there was no emotion visible. No tears, no sobs. Maybe, if I was being generous, there was a bit of upset. They couldn't do a recreation of the scene, as they had no idea how I had disappeared. The picture of me, looked nothing like I did now. If anything, I felt better after watching it. I think we are all born with a belief that our parents love us. It really doesn't take much to keep that going. The occasional smile, hug, words of encouragement. A bit of emotion on their face, saying, yes, we love you. Despite not really getting any of that from Gale, I think a small part of me was feeling a bit guilty for abandoning her. She hadn't had an easy life, growing up an orphan and probably feeling abandoned by her parents, for me to do the same seemed a bit cruel. After watching her, my guilt, faded away. If she cared at all, it was so deep, I was never going to find it. She had her life to lead and I had mine.

Chapter 23

Friday finally arrived and we were off. I had been to Spain a few times, Cattle Class, of course. This the first time I was travelling long haul and Business Class to boot. Business Class is so much better than economy, I think I actually enjoyed the longer flight. It wasn't about getting where you wanted to go, this was travelling in style. I was pampered by the staff, and was able to lie my chair almost flat. I am not that big to begin with, so covered with 3 supplied blankets, I had a wonderful sleep. The surgery was scheduled for the following Friday. We figured we would do the active stuff before. After my SRS I probably would not be up to much.

We initially stayed at the Anantara Riverside Bangkok Resort. It was a beautiful hotel, better than anything I had been in before. Tracy was an avid user of Tripadvisor and was more interested in other people's reviews than the price of the stay and this hotel had scored highly. It was slightly away from the busiest areas but provided a ferry up the river to a more central location. The ferry ride itself was a peaceful experience. They also provided a sunset cruise with dinner, which we tried another night and it was glorious. The hotel also provided a night time entertainment of Thai dancers along with a buffet.

Most of the time, however, we spent sightseeing. Lots of Temples and the Royal Palace. My favourite was the day trip to Ayutthaya. All that is left of a once great city is temple remains, some of which was desecrated when the city was destroyed. And yet, there is a weight of history to the place. It was eerie, but not in a nasty way. I felt a sadness, a disappointment, a peacefulness. It really made an impression. Something pictures could never convey.

The time passed quickly and there was so much to do, I didn't think too much about what was coming. It would pop up in my mind, to be forgotten when another distraction focussed my mind elsewhere. Then all of a sudden we were packing to fly to Koh Samui, where the Hospital and our next resort was located. The hospital was part hospital and part resort, so that you could have your surgery and recovery in the same place.

We were booked in for a week and then were moving to another hotel on the island. I would then return once per week for a check up and more hair removal, as I had chosen some permanent hair removal as an optional extra. It wasn't just for SRS. All kinds of cosmetic surgery, done in secrecy, by truly expert doctors with amazing after service. They were also pioneering new techniques that were cutting edge. Mine was a fairly standard SRS. Dilation was still necessary but less frequent and for less time than the original versions.

It was a painful week. The operation was a success, but sometimes it didn't feel that way. I had to keep my mind on the end goal. Knowing the pain was temporary, it was all going to get better. Having Tracy there was a godsend. How anyone could go through that alone was beyond me. By the end of the week the pain was much more manageable and only really noticeable with certain movements. Dilation was still a chore, not pleasant in any way. Since it mimics a sexual act, I was sort of hoping that it would become more pleasant as time went by. Maybe a lot of time would need to go by for that to be the case. I left my newly formed clitoris alone to heal. As it began to heal, I have to admit I liked the sleek look of it all. For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to women, so it didn't surprise me too much that I liked how I now looked. I left the hospital with a letter from the doctor saying that I had a vaginal hysterectomy, to explain my lack of cervix to a gynaecologist. It was also recommended that I take the pill. My body naturally produced high levels of female hormones. But that was for a man. For a woman, I was on low normal, so a top up was suggested.

We moved on to our final destination. The Tongsai Bay Resort. We had this wonderful room with a balcony overlooking the sea and a big bath, which somehow was still private. We were supplied with flowers to add to our bath along with beautifully scented bath salts. We were taken to our room on a golf buggy. The resort was hilly and built without cutting down any major trees, working with the existing environment. We could walk to the pool and sea or restaurants, or we could call for the golf buggy and were encouraged to do so. When we went down to the pool, rather than choosing a sun bed, we chose where we wanted to be and they brought the sun bed to us, put 2 towels carefully to completely cover the luxurious cushion and a 3rd towel to dry ourselves after getting wet. If that didn't blow my mind enough with the level of service they then left us with a flag. I was wondering what on earth I needed a flag for so I asked. You want a drink or food, just wave the flag and someone will come out to you. Unbelievable.

Steph wasn't joining us until the 26th December and by the time she arrived I was mostly better. Not that I did much. I swam everyday and slowly built up the number of reps. Tracy and I did our Tai Chi forms and I went through my Aikido kata's. For Chirstmas presents we went shopping. Tracy hired a consultant who flew in from Bangkok and I tried on so many different clothes and insisted that Tracy did the same. In the end, we both had great fun. Laughing at some of the choices that were so wrong for us and getting excited when something just worked. My hair extensions were done almost straight away along with my ear piercings when we first arrived in Bangkok, so my ears were mostly healed now and gave Tracy the opportunity, as she called it, to buy me some decent jewellery. There were a few times the amount of money she was spending on me did get to me, but I tried my best not to let Tracy know and just enjoy it. She was clearly having a ball spending it, so I didn't want to diminish her fun. Having Steph join us, just gave us more chances. Steph was a lot more hesitant, but I took her aside and asked her to let it go and watch carefully how much fun Tracy was having. I think she got it, because if it bothered her again, she hid it well.

Chapter 24

Whilst we were having a great time in Thailand, the news from England was a mixed bag. On the positive side, our facebook page was doing amazing and after the BBC clip the youtube videos were approaching a million hits. Unfortunately, that clip, highlighted the Campfire event and the council was not happy. Apparently, we broke loads of regulations, mainly about fire and safety. Martha looked into what we would have to do to conform and it just was not feasible. An agent had come forward with links with a possible record deal and arranging an alternative site. How real that all was we would have to find out on our return. The normal campfire was still happening, but the weather had caused a few to be cancelled.

We returned all tanned up and looking great. Well, at least I thought so. I felt fantastic too. I was young and fit, healed pretty fast and could not see any evidence that I was not a genetic girl. I know there is a big moral debate over whether you tell anyone you become close to, 'the truth'. No one likes to lie, and there is always the possibility that you will slip up or the truth is revealed in some other way. I figured I had no right to judge other people for their decisions in this matter and likewise, only I could decide who to tell, if I wanted to. Considering my circumstances, telling anyone could be hazardous to my health, so I reasoned, I would have to have a very compelling reason to tell anyone. Besides, if my brain was female, to suggest in any way that I wasn't, would be the greater lie, I think. If needed, I was quite happy to tell the small lie that I had had a hysterectomy, so couldn't have children. I still wasn't interested in boys, so a relationship where that needed to be said was unlikely.

I remember reading somewhere that the introduction of female hormones could have an impact on sexual orientation. I had been subjected to female hormones for a long time now, so I considered my orientation to be fixed and very unlikely to change. I know some people can be attracted to a particular person, regardless of gender, so I wanted to try and keep an open mind. All I could truly say was that, so far, nothing male had remotely interested me in a sexual way. Because of the way I had been teased (tormented) for most of my life, on the presumption that I was gay, I had had some surprising offers. Which I was completely uninterested in. Of course, gay now meant something completely different.

From our performing point of view, the latest was that we couldn't do another campfire set. The campfire would continue, just for the locals and I was not allowed to sing, in case word got out and the council nixed the whole thing. However, Martha had given our address to a couple of interested parties and they said they would send us a letter with their contact details. We had our phones switched off while in Thailand, ostensibly, because of the cost, but really because we didn't want anyone contacting us whilst I was having surgery. It would have been hard to explain, so the easiest thing was to only be contactable by email.

We had a mountain load of bags and because the granny flat was close to the canal there was quite a distance to carry all our luggage and it took us a few trips so we completely forgot to check the postbox until we had settled all the bags and started the laundry. I went, quite excited to see if the promised letters had arrived and what opportunities that would bring for my singing. Tracy was still pottering about the flat when I told her I would go to check the post.

This is where things got a bit unclear. Most houses just have an opening into their front door, but as we were situated at the back, Tracy had put up a separate box for our mail. It was only about waist high, so I bent over to look inside and see if we had anything. We don't get much, being largely paperless, so if there was anything inside, it was likely to be the letters we were interested in. Anyway, I was bent over, completely distracted from what was going on around me peering into this box, when I felt a sudden immense pain in my side. In my self defence classes, a few of us, unfortunately, those of us with the higher belts, which included me, had the opportunity (I prefer the word misfortune) to be tasered. This was to show us, that you could be the best martial artist in the world and still be taken down by guns or, as in this case a taser. At least it meant I knew exactly what had hit me, although there was nothing I could do about it. While I was pretty much helpless, I was grabbed and shoved into a van. Something was held over my face. I tried to hold my breath. Internally I was panicking and that didn't help. I succumbed and blacked out.

Chapter 25

I woke up completely disorientated. I was lying in a strange room, naked on a big bed that had very little else in it. I was grateful to wake up at all. My last thoughts were if the contract killers had found me, I would be quietly disposed of. Waking up naked made me feel very vulnerable, nor was there anything to cover myself. There was an ensuite, but no towels. I briefly contemplated trying to use the toilet paper to cover the essentials, but realised that I would be wasting my time. It would not offer me any protection and would look ridiculous. There was a toothbrush with toothpaste and a plastic cup. If I could find a way to sharpen it, the toothbrush could be turned into some kind of weapon. Nothing presented itself though.

There was a window. There was no window covering and it was fixed. It did show me that we were in some kind of mansion and 2 stories up. The whole set up looked pretty isolated. There was central heating and the room was kept warm. Judging by the darkening sky I guessed we were approaching evening. The other door in the room was locked. There was a largish slot at the base of it where I presumed food would be delivered.

I checked myself over. I could see two reddish marks where I had been tasered, other than that, no obvious soreness or bruises. I checked down below and couldn't detect any signs of tampering. Looking at the room, I would guess it was last decorated in the 70's. I tried to see any signs of cameras or other electrical devices. The room was so bare, they should have been visible. Having said that, I know you can get really small cameras these days.

WTF. What the hell was I supposed to do? Should I shout and holler and see what comes my way. Fight my way through who knew how many guys. Smash my window and try and climb down. I tried to find logic, shifting my fear and anger to one side. I believe everything happens for a reason and in the end works out for me. Maybe I am not here for me, maybe I am here to help someone else. Thinking of being strong for someone else was strangely easier than being strong for myself. I am a fighter, I have trained for most of my life. I am constantly underestimated. No one expects someone of my size to be capable of anything. What I really needed was more information. I couldn't reveal my capabilities too early. I may only get one chance. If information was what I needed, the universe would provide, I just had to listen. I sat on the mattress in the lotus position and meditated, trying to slow my frantic heartbeat and bring calm to my soul. Every time a negative thought intruded, I imagined placing it into a balloon and releasing it.

I don't know how long I was there before I heard footsteps approaching my door. I decided to keep quiet. I heard a tray placed on the floor before I saw it pushed through the slot. A salad. Great. Just in case, I took it through to the bathroom to rinse it in tap water before eating it. I took my time, slowly chewing and trying to enjoy my food. I was hoping that would help to make me feel full.

With nothing else to do I went back to bed and tried to sleep. I tossed and turned a lot, but must have eventually fallen asleep, because I was awakened by someone fiddling with my door lock. If someone was trying to open my door but didn't have a key, it could be an ally. I looked out the window. It was still dark, I would say, middle of the night. I got up reminded by the idea of a meeting, that I was without clothes. Since I couldn't even cover up, I decided to act proud, standing tall and not trying to cover myself with my hands and waited beside the door. After a while with a few huffs of irritation from the lock picker, I heard the tell tale click and the door was opened.

In crept a girl, a bit taller than me, so maybe 5 and a half feet, skinny with long hair. Since it was dark with only a bit of ambient light coming through the window to light the room, that was all I could see. She didn't see me until I tapped her on her shoulder and she jumped with a squeak. Then immediately put a hand over her mouth. Then she replaced her hand with a finger to mime being quiet and carefully closed the door, placing a bit of card to prevent the locking mechanism from latching and led me to the far side of the room.

“Hello.” She whispered.
“Hi, where did you get your clothes?” She wasn't wearing much, just a tank top that just covered her boobs and a pair of pants. Still, it was a lot more than I had.
“You have to earn them.”
“What?” I think my voice went up a bit.
“Shhhh. I'll tell you everything I can, you just need to be quiet. They don't usually get up at this time of night, but if we are caught....I'm not sure what they would do, but it would not be pleasant. They might decide my time is up.”
“What do you mean your time is up?”
“This place is a paedophile hotel. I'm getting to look a bit old. If no one is interested in you any more, I think they kill you and chuck you in the incinerator. They tell you that you are going to be rewarded, but I followed one girl who was unconscious being carried downstairs like a piece of meat.”
“Seriously?”
She did a deep sigh. “Sorry, I didn't want to start with the heavy stuff.”
“Let's start again. Hi I'm Sophie.” I held my hand out to shake hers.
“I know. I'm Abby. Abby Faulkner.” She shook my hand.

Previously

“This place is a paedophile hotel. I'm getting to look a bit old. If no one is interested in you any more, I think they kill you and chuck you in the incinerator. They tell you that you are going to be rewarded, but I followed one girl who was unconscious being carried downstairs like a piece of meat.”
“Seriously?”
She did a deep sigh. “Sorry, I didn't want to start with the heavy stuff.”
“Let's start again. Hi I'm Sophie.” I held my hand out to shake hers.
“I know. I'm Abby. Abby Faulkner.” She shook my hand.

Chapter 26

“Err...”
“Look, I'll tell you what I know. I saw you on the tele, they mentioned that you were previously called Abigail Faulkner. Initially, I presumed you were just someone else with the same name as me, but Marcus, that is the guy in charge of this place, he tries to only grab people with no connections, people nobody would miss. Well, he got a bit agitated, thinking that I had lied to him, then he realised that if I wasn't lying, and there were no other Abigail Faulkners, then, you must be lying to the world. I'm guessing you took my name for yourself, probably thinking that I was missing, presumed dead?”
“Err.. Yes.”
“Don't stress. I don't mind that you took my name. It's just unfortunate that it ended up with you here.”
“Where is here, by the way?”
“I have no idea. Like you, I was zapped and woke up in a bed here.”
“If you can pick locks, why haven't you escaped?”
“I would have loved to, but I couldn't figure out a way to make it work. I'm not a fantastic lock pick. I can manage a few relatively easy ones. I can't even get into the kitchen. The front door is easy enough to open, but it is alarmed. During the day, it beeps every time someone opens it and that is true for all external doors. At night it sets the alarm off. One girl managed to get that far. They tortured her in front of us, to show us not to try it again. Beccy was the one to show me how to pick locks.”
I moved forwards and hugged her. I could tell by her voice that she was struggling emotionally, and it was hard to imagine what she had been through.
“Besides, if I did get out, I'm in the middle of nowhere, not wearing any clothes.” I gave her a look. I'm not sure she could see it with the amount of light in the room, but probably noticed something. “Alright, more clothes than you, but practically naked.”
“How do I get some clothes?”
“They train us to behave. We are constantly told that we have been naughty, which is why we are here, to be punished. Things like clothes, bed sheets, a little bit of extra food, these are all rewards. They deliberately keep us hungry. Partly I think it is to keep us slim, but also to make us more compliant. That is part of the reason I am creeping about at night.”
“I was wondering about that.”
“When we have new arrivals, I try and visit, tell them that bad people are going to tell them bad things and do bad things but it is not their fault. Mostly all I can do is be a shoulder to cry on. Your case is a bit different. They normally only bring in people who will not be missed. Despite you using my name, you've got a lot of attention from the media, so I am surprised you are here.”
“Well, I don't know why. Anyway, that is not important right now. I need to know what I am facing. How many girls are there?”
“Five, including you.”
“How old are they?”
“I'm eighteen, Sally and Jo are eleven and Sasha is five.”
“Five? Seriously?” I didn't wait for her to answer, that was the same age as Ellie. “They are too young to be of any help. OK, how many guards are there?”
“At night there is only the two Neanderthals and Marcus. During the day it varies. Yesterday, after you came in all drugged up, there was a bit of conflict with another guy. He might still be here. I couldn't see what happened but I heard sounds of violence.”
“Do you know where they sleep and can you pick their locks?”
“Yes I know where they sleep. There is a guest room, so if there is an extra guy, he is probably in there. I've never tried to pick their locks, so I don't know if I can pick them. It might wake them if I try.”
“Are they all in separate rooms?”
“Yes.”
“I know I don't look like much. I've studied Aikido for 8 years. I reckon I can take them on, one on one. Do they carry any weapons?”
“I've never seen them use any. I guess they have never needed to. We have had a few girls fight, but they are so much stronger than us, they have never done more than slap us around.”
“Are the rooms close together?”
“Marcus is quite isolated. The two Neanderthals are close together and the guest room is a bit away.”
“OK, I think we can do this, the question is, Abby, do you want to go to your room and lock yourself in, or do you want to give me a hand?”
“I would love to help, but I am scared, I have no idea how to fight. I can try and scratch their eyes out.”
“I don't want you to do any fighting, leave that to me. Mostly, I would like you to pick locks. If they wake up, hopefully they will try and deal with it on their own and I can subdue them. The biggest risk with be the Neanderthals. If they both wake up, I will ask you to run away to distract one of them, but do a circuit to bring them back to me. If they catch you, don't worry, I will come after you.”

Chapter 27

“When shall we do this?”
“Now.”
“But, but, I haven't been to Sasha yet. She only arrived last week. I promised I would visit tonight.”
“When we succeed, you can.”
“Alright, alright.” She gathered herself. “Before I change my mind. Where first?”
“Marcus. You said he is the most isolated and he is also the boss. He should have the keys in his room somewhere. That should make the rest easier.”
“How is this going to happen.”
“Best case scenario. You pick his lock, he doesn't wake up. I creep into his room. If I can, I will try and punch him in his carotid sinus, in his neck. It is one of those one punch knockout things. I've never tried it because it is too dangerous, but I know how to do it, in theory, anyway.”
“What if it doesn't work?”
“If it doesn't knock him out, it should disorientate him. I'll climb behind his head and hold him in a head lock. It puts pressure on the carotid sinus and will cause him to faint fairly quickly.”
“Then what?”
“We have a couple of choices. If I held it long enough, he would die, or we can tie him up and gag him. Killing him maybe the best option. If we don't, he could always come after us again.”
“Don't get me wrong. I hate him. I hate him like you wouldn't believe, but I'm not sure I could kill him. And wouldn't that risk you getting in trouble with the law.”
I didn't know quite what to say. Anything that improved our chances of escape seemed a reasonable thing to do. If we all escaped and I kept him from hurting anyone else, the risk of the law going after me seemed minor. Maybe my moral compass needed a bit of direction, cause I had no issues with the idea of it. “How about we incapacitate him and decide later.” In my mind though, I made the decision that I wouldn't hesitate if it was necessary.
“OK. And after that?”
“If we find his keys, you could go back to your room and lock yourself back in. That would be the safest thing for you.”
“No. I will see this through to the end. Even if that just means observing. I can be the distraction if that is needed.”
“You sure?”
“No, but I will do it anyway.”
Abby was really impressing me. I have never believed courage is a lack of fear, more feeling the fear and doing the right thing anyway. First of all creeping around at night, knowing if you get caught, you might be killed, but doing it to help others, then being willing to try helping me tonight. I admit, I was scared too. But I was even more scared of doing nothing. Me taking action, was not showing courage, more desperation and necessity.

“Right then, lead the way. Are there any creaky floorboards or things to avoid.”
“A few. Just follow in my footsteps.” She said carefully opening my door and going out into the dark unknown. I followed her down some stairs, we stayed close to the wall, then along a corridor. The place must be huge, we passed at least 4 rooms before we came to a inconspicuous door.

She got out a little bobby pin and started working the lock. The atmosphere was tense. She wasn't making a lot of noise, but in the quiet of the night, every sound was worryingly loud. I stayed close to the door, trying to listen for any movement behind the door, in case he woke up. It seemed to take forever, but was probably only a couple of minutes, before there was a click. I was expecting Abby to step back and allow me to take over, but she carefully opened the door, staying flat against it to allow me to slid past her into the room.

Lying on a double bed with only a sheet covering him, was a father Christmas look alike. Marcus was probably in his late 50's or early 60's with mostly grey hair going towards silver and full beard completely white. Bit of a pot belly, lying on his side, snoring relatively quietly. Maybe all of us look pretty innocent when sleeping. I would never have guessed evil was in front of me, if I didn't know any better. Nathan and his goons didn't look evil either. There was something in Nathan's eyes though. Marcus had his eyes closed, so I had to harden my heart and trust my knowledge. I couldn't just kill him though. I had never met the man before and let's face it, besides what Abby had told me, the circumstantial evidence against him was strong. I had been kidnapped, woken up naked in a locked room. I needed to question him before I could make a final judgement and that couldn't happen until after I had subdued him and anyone else who could prevent me from leaving.

Chapter 28

I moved to his side, trying to make my steps coincide with his light snoring. I don't know if he heard me, but there was a very tense moment when he turned from his side to his back. This made my punch a lot more awkward. I mentally prepared myself. Visualised what I wanted to happen and what I would do next, which was get onto the bed behind his head and lock him up. Took a stance and punched. He sat straight up. I was not expecting that, but it did not change my plans. I jumped onto the bed behind him and head locked him with pressure on his carotid sinus. I guess he was disorientated, he weakly tried to grab my arm a couple of times before slumping. I released him a bit to stop the pressure on his neck but still held him in case he was faking. He didn't move. I could see a shape in the darkness at the end of the bed.
“Abby.” I whispered.
“Yes.” She whispered back.
“Can you switch the light on?”
I could hear a fumbling around in the dark and then there was light. “I don't know how long he is going to be out. We need to move fast. I'll stay here in case he wakes up. Can you find something to gag him and tie him up.” This was my first proper look at Abby now the lights were on. My God she looked beautiful. Big soft brown eyes on cute heart shaped face. I don't know if it was the adrenaline, the situation, or something else, but I suddenly believed in love at first sight. Or maybe lust at first sight. The chance of her being a lesbian was only about 10% and who knew what sexual traumas she had been through as evidenced by what she did next. She went straight to the second drawer down on a chest of drawers and pulled out a ball gag and pink fluffy handcuffs.

We lay him in the middle of the bed on his front. He was so heavy moving him was difficult, so mainly we just rolled him. We forced the gag in and handcuffed him with his hands behind his back. I used a pair of shoelaces to tie his feet together and attach them to the handcuffs. If he woke up before we had finished with everyone else, hopefully moving or making a sound would be difficult and painful.

We knew we had to be quick but it made sense to search his room. We both put one of his shirts on. It is surprising how much better it feels to have clothing on regardless of the temperature. There must be a psychological feeling of vulnerability when you don't have clothes on. I then had an internal debate over whether to wear a pair of his boxers. His other clothes were way to big for me. Abby was already in a pair of panties, so she was alright. We took them out of a drawer, so they should be clean, but there was definitely a feeling of disgust putting them on.

We found his keys, no weapons though. “What next?” Abby asked.
“Two choices. We go to the kitchen to find a knife or two, before going to that guest room you talked about, or go there now.”
“Do you know how to fight with a knife?”
“Most of my training was hand to hand. I know the basics. Haven't really used it or practised much with it.”
“My vote is to go straight to the guest room then.”
“You're probably right. Let's go.” We turned the light off. Waited for our eyes to adjust and left, locking the door behind us.

Abby led me back up the stairs along the corridor to another unremarkable door. There were not a lot of keys to chose from. It was probably a master key. I got Abby to stand back a bit, just in case. As quiet as you want to be, even putting a key in lock and turning it makes sound. I think, a lot depended on how light a sleeper you are. I heard Abby picking my lock. Marcus didn't hear anything. We weren't even sure if there was anyone in the guest room. It all doesn't change that the unknown, causes a fear and uncertainty. I geared myself up to face whatever was there and slowly opened the door.

What presented itself to my eyes was a bit of a puzzle. It was dark, so I couldn't see clearly. There appeared to be someone struggling on the bed, but not making much noise above a mumble. I crept closer to try and work it out. I stared at the guy handcuffed to the bed with a ball gag in. There was something about him that nagged at me, beyond the bizarre picture. Suddenly the pieces locked together, came into focus. This was the man who had attacked Laurence. I couldn't help a sharp intake of breath. He was awake and had obviously heard us opening his door and was staring right at me.

“Abby, come in and switch the light on.”
A bit of a fumble then the lights were on. “Err. What on earth.”
I decided to play the part of complete ignorance. “I haven't got a clue. I think we should leave him here. He is not in a position to get in our way. Let's move on to the Neanderthals.”
“Wait a sec. I've never seen him here before. He might be able to help us. You know the enemy of my enemy, kind of thing.”
“He could also be very dangerous. If we don't escape tonight, I'm not sure we would get another chance.”
“We need to at least talk to him.” Abby walked up beside him. “If we take the ball gag out, do you promise to keep the noise down?” She said looking him in the eyes. He nodded clearly. She looked at me. “Shut the door.”

Chapter 29

I shut the door and stayed with my back to them waiting for him to denounce me. Then realised I needed to face the music and headed towards the bed to hear what he was going to say. Abby loosened the gag and finally removed it. He didn't try to scream or shout.
“Thank you, girls. I'm a bit....angry at the moment.” I could almost hear him swallowing the curse words that were on the tip of his tongue. “If my face or words reflect that, it's not directed at you, OK.”
“OK.” We both chorused. “So, what's your story?” Abby asked.
“I'm a …. finder, I suppose you would call me.” I think finder was kinder description than contract killer. “I have been tasked with finding someone and Marcus thought he had found that someone. In fact,” he looked at me “you are supposed to be him.”
Abby snorted. “Sophie is a boy?”
“Well, obviously not. They have the same colour eyes, same height and stuff. If you ignore the nose, the face looks pretty similar. We have been putting the feelers out. Marcus told us he had found him and was waiting for him to return from holiday. I came here to pay him a finders fee. One look at you and we knew he had got it wrong. I know a girl when I see one.”
He didn't recognise me. I felt like I could breath again. He didn't recognise me.
“How did you end up like this?” Abby asked.
“They offered me a girl, she was fucking eleven! Fucking perverts!”
“Shhh, please shhhh.”
“Sorry. I have a daughter. I feel pretty …... strongly.” More swear words swallowed.
“So if we release you, will you help us?”
“Sort of. Look, I will be honest. If you release me, I'm gonna kill every motherfucking pervert in this house. It's best if you pretend you didn't see me, get the girls out and run away. I'll find you one of their phones. Give me a couple of hours then phone who you like. The police may not be the best option. Places like this sometimes have insiders. Phone someone you trust.”
“Aren't you going to need a bit of help. We think there are at least 2 more loose. Marcus is all tied up, but there are the Neanderthals.”
“Help would be great, but I don't want you involved. I don't want you to see what I do.”
“How about we lead you to the doors, give you the key, but don't go in or anything. We could really do with the alarm code.”
“Yeah, that could work. Marcus will know the code, I'll get it out of him. A knife would help.”
“No problem. We have the keys to the kitchen. You are going to have to be quiet, their rooms are next to each other.”
He snorted. “You trying to teach Grandma to suck eggs. Get me free, give me a knife and show me the right doors. Leave the rest to me.”
We got him out of his restraints. As he moved around, I could see he was already a bit battered, probably from the initial fight. He tried to pretend he was alright, but there was a bit of a limp. We sent Abby off to get the knives, she was the most experienced moving around the house. She came back with a few. He wiped them all down and chose two, one he kept in his hand and one he put in his back pocket. We then moved back down to the ground floor, down a corridor in the opposite direction to Marcus' room and to the two rooms that were occupied.

Our ally called himself John Smith. Obviously, he didn't want us to know his real name. He took the keys from us, wiped them down and carefully opened the door and rushed in. As we had promised, we stayed outside. I waited in front of the other door, just in case he made enough noise to wake up his neighbour. There was a muffled sound or two. Standing outside a different door they did not sound that loud. Just as Mr Smith was exiting his door, the door in front of me started to open. I geared myself for a fight. Mr Smith shoved me aside and slammed into the door. From the sound of it, the door hit the man on the other side. Then Mr Smith was in. I didn't leave until he came back out again. We had to be sure that we were safe. This time, when he came out, he was covered in blood. We didn't ask and he didn't say anything. We led him to Marcus' door.

Mr Smith turned to us. “I don't want you anywhere near this door. Ignore any sounds you might hear. Gather by the front door, I will get you the code and a phone. Don't forget, give me a couple of hours after you leave. I need to tidy up.”
“Could we first get a few shirts from Marcus' room, for the girls to cover up?”
He carefully opened the door and looked in. He started laughing. Motioned to us to stay there, came out a few minutes later with a few shirts. He was still smiling. “You weren't kidding about being all tied up. Now scoot.”

We had got all the way to Sasha's room before we realised we didn't have the keys. We headed back towards Marcus' room. When we were getting close, we heard some sounds that were going to be hard to forget. Both of us stopped. “Do you still have your bobby pin?”
“Yeah. I'll just pick the locks.” We retreated rapidly back to Sasha's room. We went to Sasha first because she was expecting a visit anyway.

Chapter 30

Sasha was adorable. She had only been here a week, so Abby didn't think she had had any truly horrifying experiences yet. Mostly she was being trained. The shirt looked like a dress on her. We rolled the sleeves up and did all the buttons, but I came to the realisation, it was not going to be warm enough. We collected Sally and Jo. They were wearing panties and a short top like Abby, still the shirt was a great addition. We then went through the guest room and found some blankets. Gathered it all by the front door and waited.

As we were waiting, certain nasty thoughts were occurring to me. I presumed that by the time Mr Smith had finished, there would be no one left alive in this building. That meant I was probably safe. The only other people who knew about my abduction was the kidnappers themselves and that could have been the Neanderthals. If it wasn't the Neanderthals, whoever they were, probably realised that I couldn't recognise them. My only worry was whether Mr Smith was going to leave witnesses. The fact that he wouldn't let us actually see him doing anything and he hadn't given us his real name, gave me hope. I had faced him before and knew he would underestimate me. If it came down to it, provided I stayed wary, I think I could take him.

My biggest worry was the girls. They had probably had multiple 'clients'. Those clients could be in any walks of life, from the police to lawyers to bankers. To be involved in this, I expected them to have money, so professional careers or inherited money. The more obvious it was where they were, the more their life could be in danger. That also meant I couldn't just phone Tracy and get her to pick us up. It was highly likely she had contacted the police. Her phone could be tapped, waiting for a ransom demand. So I needed to get 5 half clothed girls, holed up somewhere looking respectable and inconspicuous. Make up some story to sell to the police, get them off my back and then get Tracy on my side and pick the girls up. To do that I needed money. Now chances are, Marcus has a safe somewhere and a good amount of cash should be available if I could convince Mr Smith to help. And Mr Smith will probably want it all anyway.

I told Abby and the girls to stay there and rushed off to Marcus' room. If Marcus was already dead, there wasn't much I could do. As I approached I heard sounds that let me know he wasn't dead yet. Not getting too close to the door I shouted. “Mr Smith.” I then waited, not getting any closer. After a few moments he popped his head out the door and looked at me with raised eyebrows. In a more normal voice. “He probably has a safe somewhere with some money in it. I need some of that for myself and the girls, perhaps Marcus would be willing to help us out?”
“Good idea. I think he could be persuaded.” He made shooing gestures again and went back into the room and closed the door.

I left him to it and went back to the girls. My biggest worry was our feet. I got some sharp knives and scissors from the kitchen and got lucky and found a ball of string in one of the drawers. We started cutting up one of the blankets, then with a knife and the string made these drawstring bags that we could use in place of shoes. We made holes in some other blankets so we could wear them like ponchos.

Before we had finished, Mr Smith came to get Abby to help him around the place. I went too, worried that this might be a chance for him to get rid of one of us. In short order he had the alarm switched off. We then went to a dining room. He moved a chest of drawers to reveal a safe and then proceeded to open it. He was trying to prevent us from looking inside and I figured I wasn't going to fight him for the contents, so I pulled Abby back with me. He counted some money out, his back to us, then hid the rest and turned to hand me £1000 and a phone. I'm guessing that for him to give that to me meant there was a lot more inside and that he probably wasn't going to double cross us. I took the money and backed cautiously away. I got us out the front door and away as quick as I could and hid us in the trees a few hundred metres away. The sun had risen and was starting to light everything in a beautiful golden hue. I then asked them to stay there and went back to observe what he was going to do. I hid in some bushes about 50 metres out. About half an hour later he came out the door with some keys in hand. I could already smell smoke and before he peeled away in one of the cars out front, I could see some flames through some of the windows.

Although it was January and the wood was relatively wet, I was worried that the fire might spread, so rushed back to the girls and got us all moving down the road. We looked a pretty ragtag group. I asked if anyone was any good with mobile phones and Sally stepped forwards. I gave her the phone and asked her to work out where we were, where the nearest main roads were, villages, towns etc. It only took her a few minutes to start to show me. We were a couple of miles away from a small village, and about 15 miles from a decent size town. Oxford was about 60 miles away.

Chapter 31

We were already struggling with the travelling. Without decent shoes and with Sasha being so small, without any of us being that big and strong to carry her for anything but small distances, going far on our feet was out. I stopped us when we were far enough away that my fear of fire was fading. We could all see a large amount of smoke though and a fire engine was probably not that far away. I gathered us all together for a group talk. We were away from the road so there wasn't anything to disturb us.

“Alright. Let's have a rest for a sec and go through our options.” I lay my poncho on the ground and sat down. I opened my arms up to Sasha and she came and sat on my lap. Sally, Jo and Abby did like me, sitting in a rough circle.
“Are we safe?” Jo asked.
“Yes. At the moment we are. We need to make plans to stay that way.” I said.
“What do we need to do?” came from Sally.
“I can tell you my thoughts and what I think we should do. But the decisions need to be agreed as a group.”
Abby put her hand up. “Yes, Abby, you have the floor.” I said with a smile. I think she was fooling around a bit to lighten the tension.
“Without you, we would still be stuck in that place. I think we are all happy with you being our leader.” She looked around, there was a subtle nodding from Sally and Jo.
“Thank you. I do think 5 minds are better than 1. If you see any flaws or ways to improve my plans, please tell me. Now, we have a phone. I don't even know who's it is and I expect soon the fire brigade will be called or have already been called, after that the police will be involved. Then this phone will become a liability. So we need to suck its usefulness out of it and then discard it. The simplest plan is, I call Tracy. There are pluses and minuses to that plan.”
“Who is Tracy and is that the plan you want to go with?” from Abby.
“Tracy is my adopted mother and no, I think there is too much risk to call her. I was kidnapped and almost certainly, she will have called the police. If I call her, the police will be involved and I don't know how safe that will be for you.”
Jo put her hand up. “Mark told me he was a policeman.”
“If I can get us all to Tracy without the involvement of the police, I know that, between us, we can keep you all safe. So my plan is essentially to find a place for you all to stay while I sort out the police aspect and then gather you all up.”
“Are you going to tell them that you were at the house?” Abby asked.
“I think there is going to be an investigation there, so no, I need to come up with another story, any ideas?”
“You could say you ran away.” Came from Jo.
“That would be the simplest. Tracy wouldn't believe it. If I can talk her into going with it first that would be a good option, but if I can't separate her from the police then I need another option.”
Abby smiled at me. “How about a crazed fan? I would have been tempted to kidnap you if I could.”
“I would have let you.” I replied with a smile.
“Hey. Stop flirting you two.” Sally said, but she was smiling. I think I was blushing and Abby definitely was. “That could work though. A crazed fan took you, tried to convince you that you were the love of their life, when they couldn't convince you, dropped you off somewhere after you promised not to tell anyone about them. That way you don't have to reveal any details as you are keeping your promise.”
“I like it. OK. I'll go with that. Now the next question is how to get us all safe while I sort out Tracy and the police? This is my idea, see if you can pick any holes in it. We travel cross country using the phone to guide us to the nearest village. When we get close we phone for a taxi. Tell them we are in fancy dress and get them to take us to Oxford, somewhere near a cheap hotel. We can use the phone to chose a destination. I think we need to discard the phone before we travel to Oxford though.”
“Won't the hotel need identification?” Abby questioned.
“You're right. How about a B & B. We can book on the phone and tell them we are locked out of our house until our parents get back in a couple of days. One of us can venture out to a get us all some clothes.”
“Not you Sophie?”
“I might be too recognisable. Abby would be better I think.”
I looked around. Nobody had any objections.

“OK. Let's do this.” I looked down at Sasha who looked up at me with these big trusting eyes. “I'll carry you as much as I can.” I gave her a piggyback and Sally took the phone to start the Sat nav and then the information we needed. I left her to it while I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Abby tried carrying her a bit and at some points Jo and Sally went either side of her and gave her occasional swings which had her laughing. Even so, by the time we reached sight of the village all of our feet were sore and we were all tired. Sally had managed to download Uber and arranged a car to take us. She had booked an airbnb flat in Cowley Road in Oxford. We had an access code to enter the flat and the owner was going to be around midday to collect the cash. We were limited in choices as most did not accept cash, weirdly. I always thought cash was king.

Chapter 32

The car was a seven seater, but I still ended up with Sasha on my lap strapped together. I don't think the driver was too impressed and he was definitely unsure about our costumes. A good tip when we arrived made him a lot happier. We rushed into the flat as quickly as possible. I can only imagine what anyone seeing us was thinking. Poor Abby was going to have to go out dressed bizarrely to buy us all clothes. We had given her all our sizes and she had written them down as a note on the phone.

The new plan for the phone was to go into a mobile phone shop and get assistance to wipe all its memory, claiming that she feared it had been hacked. Once it was electronically clean, she would take out the battery, break the sim card and throw the different bits in different bins. In the meantime it was useful to record all our shoe and clothes sizes. We tried to dress her up to be slightly less bizarre. I had to give her my boxers that could be mistaken for shorts and my shirt that she wore around her waist. I was left pretty much naked again apart from a poncho that didn't hide much. We needed to be thrifty with the money as we didn't know exactly how long it needed to last. Abby was going to buy new underwear, but most clothes and shoes if possible would be from a second hand store. I guessed she wasn't going to be back before midday, so I had to hide in the back pretending to be having a bath, while Jo handed the cash to the landlady.

We all waited hungrily for Abby to return. We wanted to order pizza but didn't have a phone. There was a guide book in the flat that mentioned local eateries, but none of us were willing to go out dressed like we were, nor did we think it would be wise. Finally she returned, mission accomplished. We all felt so much better with proper clothes on. We all went out together, to get fed, a pay as you go phone, so I could keep in contact when I left them, some groceries and everyone settled.

Once that was done, it was time for me to leave them. I didn't want to delay as Tracy would be going crazy with worry. I gave them all hugs and promised them that I would be back as quick as I could. I still needed to be cautious though. I took a bus and got off after 4 stops. I had no idea where I was and thought that would be the case if a crazed stalker dropped me off randomly. I got directions from a local to the nearest pub, hoping they would have a pay phone. They didn't have a working one, but the landlady phoned Tracy for me on her mobile. I told her I had been kidnapped and need to phone my mother and tell her I was alright. I don't think she believed me until Tracy answered the phone. I think Tracy started shouting at her, because she quickly pulled the phone from her ear and then, bemusedly passed it across to me.

“I'm fine, I'm healthy, I'm OK.” I kept repeating until she calmed down. “Hang on, I don't know where I am.” I asked the landlady and she took the phone and spoke again to Tracy, then turned the phone off.
“She is coming as quick as she can, she has a police woman with her and will be coming in her car. I am supposed to sit on you and prevent you from leaving.”
“Don't worry, I am not going anywhere. I'll just sit here, so you know where I am.”
“Do you want a drink?”
“Not at those prices.” Her eyes opened wide. “Just kidding. Thought I would try and lighten the moment. I would love one thanks. Lemonade if you don't mind.”
“Cheeky.” She went and got it for me, trying to look severe, but failing to keep the smirk off her face. “So, you got kidnapped, eh?”
“Yup, tasered, chucked in a van, knocked out with something. The whole nine yards.”
“You're behaving pretty chipper for someone who had been kidnapped.”
“That's because I'm free now. Freedom feels a lot more precious when someone has had it taken away.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Thanks. I'd better not. I expect the police will want me to tell it, just to them. Not that there is much to tell. I was kidnapped yesterday and I am free today.”
She retreated to do other stuff. Another customer was staring at me and when I noticed, approached. “Are you that singer?”
“I am a singer, my name is Sophie Hastings, is that what you mean?” I replied politely.
“Yeah, the one who does the campfires. Could I have your autograph?”
“Sure.”
He waved back to a large group of people. “It's Sophie. She's alright.” he shouted. There was a general cheer. They started all getting up to come to me, so instead I headed to their table and started chatting and signing autographs. I guess that attracted attention and more and more people started crowding round me. By the time Tracy arrived I was stuck in the middle of the crowd and didn't notice until she started shouting “Sophie.”
So I shouted back. “Tracy. Mum.” I managed to extract myself and threw myself into her arms.
She clutched me tightly. “Don't ever do that to me again.”
“I won't mum, I promise.” I waved to the people and, held tightly in mum's arms, we left.

Chapter 33

We were taken by the policewoman back to the station so that I could make a statement. Apparently, my kidnapping had been reported in the news and along with my video's had made a big splash. The police were going to make a statement to the press, but wanted the information from me first. I tried to give as much truth as possible. How I was kidnapped was the same. Waking up naked in a strange bed in a strange location. I wasn't sure whether to omit the lack of clothes bit, but figured, since it had happened, talking about it, gave depth to the story. Instead of me forcing an escape I imagined Marcus telling me he wanted me. Me rejecting him. Him allowing my freedom on the condition that I give as little detail to the police as possible. With a threat that he knew where I lived, so if the police announced too much information, like his description, I could be attacked again. Of course the police were unhappy with my unwillingness to divulge too much information. Telling me they could protect me. The man was dangerous, he could do this to someone else. It was my duty to tell them everything. At the same time, there was this unstated, she is only a young girl, we can't expect too much from her.

I knew Tracy was suspicious. Maybe my story didn't reflect what my actions would be, if I was actually in those circumstances. I'm not sure, but, I could tell, Tracy didn't believe me and yet trusted me to tell her later. We slipped away while the police was talking to the press. My presence was not required. We were taken back to the flat in a police car and Tracy tried to question me. I stopped her with a kiss on her cheek and a whisper in her ear. “Later.”

When we arrived back at her flat, Steph was waiting for us. I ran into her arms and we hugged and cried. We made our way back to our flat.
“So what really happened?” Tracy asked.
“Is it safe to talk here?”
“I think so. The only thing the police did was something on my phone so they could listen in to any conversations I had.”
“I've got some serious stuff to talk about, but we really need to be sure no one else is listening.”
Tracy frowned at me. Then looked thoughtful and picked up her phone and wondered out of the lounge leaving me with Steph.
“What is she talking about?”
“I promised someone that I wouldn't talk about it.” Then I winked at her.
She started frowning.

Before she could say anything Tracy came back in.“Right. We are going out. I have a friend at a security firm that I want us to see.”
We locked the flat back up again and travelled to an industrial park with a security firm. We were met at the door by a gentleman who greeted Tracy and led us through to a room. We all had to stand in a star jump position and they passed a scanner over us, before taking us through into another room which just had a table and chairs in it, nothing else.
“I have hired them to scan our flat, car, clothes, everything. That will happen tomorrow, but I couldn't wait. I need to know now. This room is secure. Tell me young lady. Tell me everything!”
“I will tell you everything. Let me go over the basics to explain the security, then I will go over as much detail as you like. I was kidnapped, just the way I said, but it wasn't some crazed fan. It was a paedophile ring, or hotel or brothel. I don't know what you call it.”
“No. Are you alright? Did they ….”
“No. At least, I don't think so. I woke up naked but nothing feels sore or anything.”
“Why would they kidnap you, you are supposed to be 18?”
“The whys can wait. I escaped with an 18 year old, two 11 year olds and a child of 5. At least one of their clients was a policeman. Others could be anybody, in any walk of life.”
“So we can't go to the police with this and potentially, if somebody knew where you really went they could bug our house to find the others.” Tracy reasoned. “That is why the secrecy. Where are the other girls.”
“Now you have got the general picture, why don't I start from the beginning and tell you everything. Hopefully, all the details will be revealed.” I proceeded to tell them all I could remember. Occasionally, something was missed or unclear and either Tracy or Steph would ask a question.

When I had finished there was a pause while it was digested. Then Tracy got up and came over to me and held her arms open. Steph and I both got out of our chairs and joined in a group hug.
“I am so proud of you.” Tracy whispered.
“I was so scared.” I admitted. My armour cracked a bit and I cried into her chest. We stayed like that for awhile. Then we settled back into our chairs and got our thinking caps on.

“We need to pick the girls up.” Steph said.
“We could be followed. I could get Martha to pick them up.” Tracy responded.
“I don't think that is a good idea. Abby was living there when she was abducted. You told me previously that girls go missing from there. You presumed that was their own choice. What if it was because they had been taken.”
“Martha would never be party to that.”
“It doesn't have to be Martha. What if they had a link in your computer system. They could check out suitable candidates and grab appropriately. Martha doesn't have to be involved, but 23 could be in some way.”

There was another pause. “So what do we need?” Steph asked, trying to clarify.
“We need to pick the girls up undetected. Take them somewhere and keep them hidden until we can remove the perverts. We need to identify the paedophiles who have used their services and then do something to neutralise their threat.” That was my opinion, anyway. “Short term goals, get them safe. Long term goal, keep them safe and stop the paedophiles from getting at any more children.”

“I think I need to spend some money. I need a bigger house. Isolated with good security. In the meantime I can hire some bodyguards to pick up the girls and take them somewhere. Some of these firms have their own safe houses.”
“I would suggest female bodyguards. I will need to phone them to let them know who to trust. You might need counsellors or some kind of psychological help to be available.” Hell I wanted to be there for them, but I could be followed.
“You two should have a bodyguard too.” Steph added.
“What about you Steph?”
“I don't think I need them. How do we catch the bastards? If the house burned up, if there was any evidence, it is long gone now.”
“The girls will remember what they look like and probably some names too. If someone was able to get a picture of all policemen called Mark in front of Jo, I bet she could pick him out.”
“And then what. There is no evidence.”
“If we can identify them, we can gather evidence on them. I will hire investigators. Paedophiles don't stop being that way. They will commit again and if they are being watched, they will be caught. Investigators can also follow the link with 23 maybe that will lead somewhere.”
“It is going to take a long time.” Steph muttered.
“We can't change that. What are we going to do about you and Abby? You can't both have the same identity.”
“I was thinking about that. You had another girl, Rebecca something, that went missing and left a birth certificate. It might be hard to change me again, but couldn't Abby claim to be Rebecca and then change her name to Abby.”
“That could work. Just don't get kidnapped by someone who knows Rebecca.”

Tracy left the room and came back with a simple burner phone, she called it. Then while we were in the secure room Tracy phoned a security agency and arranged to get the girls picked up and taken to a safe house by two female bodyguards. I then phoned the girls and told them what we had arranged and that we would buy a house and then all be together.

Chapter 34 Final Chapter

1 year later.

I was standing in the shadows of the stage, waiting for my turn and watching the emerging talent. A lot had happened in the last year. The owner of the paedophile hotel had apparently died in a fire so we had bought the property. There wasn't much left, so we knocked it down. It was now a set of toilets and food stands. Fitting, I thought. Where the front of the house was, there was a car park and behind the house we had set up seating for about 500 and a stage. Two stages actually. The higher stage for the musicians and the lower one for the dance acts. We sold the tickets online with Harriet's help. We called the place Campfire Songs. On the top stage there were two campfires, one on either side. Weather permitting we played every Sunday. We had a scout who would research for talented bands and give them the opportunity to play the earlier slot and then we would play. Amy's dance troupe had grown and still performed on the lower stage with our numbers.

Martha managed the place and organised other outdoor theatre events like Shakespeare on different days. It was discovered that the paedophiles had placed a key logger that recorded everything that was typed into the computer at the shelter. No one blamed Martha, but she blamed herself and felt the need to resign from 23. Tracy organised a similar search at other shelters and found similar devices in 4 other locations. On the plus side the girls had identified 32 different individuals that were now under close scrutiny. Well, 27 of them were, the other 5 were already in jail by our efforts.

I didn't think I had it in me, but I started writing a few songs. My first song 'Freedom' managed the top 10. I found the words and Tracy and Steph helped with the musical composition. I wasn't the only one writing. Abby, now called Rebecca, Beccy really, was writing the horror story of her life. The book was entitled 'The house where girls cry.' Rebecca Stevens, the other birth certificate that Tracy found at 23, was the same Beccy who had taught Abby to pick locks and was caught trying to escape. Abby wanted a new start in life and in honor of the girl who meant so much to her, decided to keep her name. I called her my beautiful Beccy. It took a while to get over the trauma she had been through, and, in some respects, you never completely get over it, but our relationship was making steady progress.

Sasha, Jo and Sally were all in Amy's dance troupe. They were wearing fairly heavy make up and wigs so we weren't worried about them being recognised. Tracy had ended up adopting us all. Our shared experience bound us all together. There was so much love around me that I couldn't be happier.

The End.