At This Rate I’ll Never Turn Into a Girl!
By Vilastis
This story was basically written as an excessively long joke. The entire point is that there are constant jumping-off points for a fairly standard premise but it doesn’t take advantage of any of them. Side note: AJ is my best attempt at an underwritten stereotypical female friend.
It started out just like any other day. I was hanging out at the arcade with my two best friends, AJ and John. Despite her name, AJ is a girl. She's kind of a tomboy. She hangs out with us boys, obviously, and she plays video games. She still wears make up and dresses, though. John is cool. He's a lot like me in personality, but more laid back. He's also half a foot taller than me, and has the start of an impressive beard. I wish puberty would hurry up!
“There's no way you'll beat me!” I screamed at AJ. “I'm the master at Space Blaster. I have all three top score spots!” I pointed to the display, which showed “ASS” in the top three spots. AJ groaned.
“You're so immature. I can't believe you put—you know, that.” I winked at her.
“Just be glad I didn't put anything worse.” She sighed and rolled her eyes.
AJ was the most mature of the three of us, and it was probably good we had her around. She was the voice of reason.
“Fine,” she said. “I'll wipe you off the scoreboard.”
“Yeah! Wipe his ASS!” John hollered. AJ rolled her eyes again.
“You wanna bet something?” I challenged her. She sighed.
“Okay. If you lose, you have to dress like a girl for a week.”
“WHAT? Fuck no!”
“What, so you think being a girl is a bad thing? That's sexist.”
“No, there's just no way I want to put up with the shit I'd get.”
AJ sighed. “Fine. Five dollars.”
“Affirmative.” “You're such a nerd,” she complained.
I fed in a quarter and selected DUEL mode. I presented her the joystick.
“Ladies first.” She rolled her eyes.
She did pretty well in her round. She couldn't beat my killer combo, though! She sighed as all the alien ships blew up right before my timer ran out.
“A thousand? Damn, bro,” John exclaimed.
“That's not even counting the chain multiplier,” I bragged. AJ watched, eyes wide with horror, as the score doubled, and then tripled.
“Pay up,” I smarmed. She reluctantly dug into her purse and slapped a bill into my hand.
“Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet,” John and I chanted before high fiving. AJ sighed.
“You better not spend this on porn,” she lectured. I had the decency to look guilty.
By then it was almost four and AJ had to go to her dance class. I waved goodbye as her mom's compact pulled up and she climbed in.
“You wanna hang?” John inquired. I shook my head. “Nah, I got an essay due Monday I need to start on.” John laughed and slapped my back. “Classic Brian! Starting the day before.” I waved him off. “See ya later!” I shouted as I started my walk home. He waved before getting on his skateboard and riding off.
Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention. Maybe it was the driver's fault. Whatever happened, I was in a crosswalk and the truck didn't stop in time. The front of the truck was a few feet away when the driver saw me, and swerved sharply. The truck smashed into a lamppost and overturned. The side of the truck split open, and a weird green liquid sprayed on me. It felt like it was burning my skin. I screamed in pain and tried to wipe it off me, but only succeeded in spreading it around more. My skin was turning red, and almost looked like it was boiling with blisters. I fell to the ground as I felt everything go black.
I felt the world swimming into view around me as I woozily awoke. A man in a lab coat rushed to my side as I tried to sit up.
“The patient is awake!” he shouted. Several other people wearing labcoats and scrubs rushed into the room and started fussing with equipment around me.
The first man turned to me, and started talking. “You've been in a serious accident,” he informed me. “Humans were not supposed to be exposed to that chemical, not in that amount.”
“Fortunately,” he announced, “we've been able to cure your condition using a revolutionary new therapy. Nanotech! It's the future!”
“However,” he coughed, ”There were a few...side effects.”
Oh, god. What if I was some kind of monster? “Get me a mirror!” I shouted.
The doctor regarded me strangely. “A mirror?” he asked. “None of the side effects are external. They're not major. You just may find yourself to be slightly less...continent than you were before, and you should avoid eating bananas, at all costs.”
Thank god. I'd have to look up what “continent” meant later, but it seemed like I was okay. “I can go home?” I asked the doctor.
“As soon as you fill out the paperwork.”
The paperwork was long and tedious. I was sick of signing and initialing before I reached the end. On the last page was the bill. I screamed when I saw it.
“A million dollars!?'
The doctor cleared his throat, and looked away. “Revolutionary new therapies aren't cheap,” he informed me.
I was going to have to get a job.
My mom and dad rushed to the hospital as soon as they learned I was conscious. My mom fussed over me, while my dad stood back and looked aloof. “He's like this now,” she confided to me, “but you should have seen him earlier! He was out of his mind with worry.” My dad coughed and looked to the side. “Gladyou'rebetter,” he mumbled. My mom beamed.
As soon as I got home I started applying for jobs online. Most places actually preferred an online application these days. I guess no one wanted to deal with actual people. One online posting caught my eye. It was for a clothing store, but not just any clothing store. “Madame Olivia's caters to the most discerning and feminine women,” the post read. “We required dedicated and humble employees who appreciate fine clothing, and don't believe fine fashion should be relegated to yesteryear.”
I was fascinated. I always hated how most of the girls in my grade dressed, wearing jeans and t-shirts all the time. They might as well be boys! But here was a different place, a wonderland of lace and voluminous skirts. A place that loved the glamor that women used to have, before ugly, hairy feminists destroyed tradition. I applied immediately.
I also applied to several other jobs, at fast food restaurants and supermarkets. However, my heart was set on Madame Olivia's.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the job. The polite email I received informed me I lacked the necessary experience. That was no problem! I'd gain more experience and apply again!
I ended up working, instead, at the local Burger Hut. On my first day, AJ and John came in to see me.
“Haa! You look like such a douche in that paper hat,” John jeered. AJ scowled. “I think it's very mature of him to take responsibility,” AJ said. “You could learn some things from him.”
“You could learn some thing from him,” John mocked in a high-pitched voice. AJ whipped around and glared at him. “Would you care to repeat that?” she said icily. John gulped. “That's what I though,” she said, satisfied.
“Oh! There's a way you don't have to wear the hat,” AJ informed me. I sighed. “Please tell me you're not going to make fun of the hat. I though you were mature than that.”
“Well...it's not great,” she admitted. “The colors totally don't go with anything else you're wearing.” I rolled my eyes. Typical girl.
“That's not what I was talking about, though!” she exclaimed, getting back on topic. She showed me a flyer. “See? Burger Hut is looking for a new mascot.”
“But then I'd have to dress like a giiirl,” I complained. Burger Hut was known for their sexy mascot, the Burger Witch.
“Well, it's your call,” AJ said snootily. “I was just trying to help.”
I worked after school for the next several days. By the time Saturday came around, I realized I was feeling unusually tired. It was like I was fatigued all the time, or I was weaker than I used to be. I told my mom. I also thought my sex drive had gone down, but I wasn't going to tell my mom about that! “Are you sure it isn't just from the new job?” she inquired. “I'm sure it will take you some time to get used to it.”
“I'm fucking sure,” I insisted. Mom winced. “Please don't swear. Gosh, sometimes I wish you were more like your sisters,” she muttered. She says things like that a lot. I don't think she means anything by it, though.
Mom took me in to see the family doctor. They only had women's magazines in the waiting room. I silently cursed. I wanted sports magazines, or at least PC Mag. Bored, I flipped through an issue of Homemaker Monthly. Some of the women were pretty hot, but I found myself looking at their clothes more than at them. What was happening to me! I was turning gay or something.
Finally, a nurse called me in to see the doctor and measured me. For some reason, my height was an inch shorter than when it was last recorded. The nurse said it was probably just a mistake. Another nurse drew some blood, and took it to the lab. Finally, the doctor himself came in, holding a clipboard.
“I know what your problem is,” he announced. “Your hormone levels are off the charts.”
“Give it to me straight, doc!” I exclaimed. “Am I turning into a girl? Nothing else explains the changes I've been going through.”
The doctor looked at me like I had grown two heads. “No, if anything, it's the opposite.” I raised my eyebrows in puzzlement. “Your estrogen levels are the lowest I've ever seen. If this trend continues, I may have to prescribe you hormones.”
I sighed in relief. “So, if anything, these changes are actually a sign of how manly I am!”
The doctor sighed. “Sure, why not!” I couldn't wait to tell AJ!
After I got home, I was pretty hungry. I fixed myself a snack, banana with peanut butter. I know AJ thought I was weird for eating that, but it was pretty good! I had forgotten the doctor's warning.
Moments after I swallowed my first bite of banana, I felt my insides warping and churning. My stomach bulged out, and then suddenly sucked in. I was transforming! I ran to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. I looked...the same. Suddenly, my stomach contracted again, and I was struck by an overriding, primal urge. I ran to the toilet and had violent diarrhea for several hours.
Fortunately, I recovered from the banana diarrhea by Monday. I headed into work, whistling. Suddenly, I stopped, and gasped. A sign in the locker room read that the manager would pay any mascot overtime rates! I could really use that money. I know the costume is embarrassing, but it was worth it. For time and a half, I could overcome even my greatest fears.
I marched up to the manager, and shook his hand. “Meet your newest mascot!” He looked puzzled. “Where is she?” I laughed and slapped him on the back. “It's me, silly.” Silly?! I never used to use words like that.
The manager hesitated. “I don't think that that's a good idea,” he said. “The Witch is supposed to be a young, attractive woman. Anything else would dilute the brand.”
“I bet, with AJ's help, I could pass as hot, young woman!” I exclaimed. “With the right make up and wig, and a little padding, guys would be drooling over me!” Not that I liked guys! Why would I phrase things like that?
The manager shuddered and shook his head. “No, and that's final.”
When I arrived home after my shift, I complained to my mom. “The manager wouldn't let me be the mascot, because she's supposed to be a girl. I could be a girl!”
My mom patted me on the head. I wish she wouldn't baby me like that.
“You know, sweetie,” she said. “If you're interested, I have some of your sisters' old clothes you could try on.”
“Gross!” I shouted, and flung her hand off of me. “I don't want to dress up like a girl, I just wanted to get paid more.”
“Sor-reeee,” Mom said, and she never brought up the subject again.
On Wednesday, I got a day off from Burger Hut. I was hanging out at the arcade, by myself, honing my Space Blaster skills. Suddenly, John ran up, panting.
“Have..you...seen...AJ?” he panted. I shook my head. “Negatory.”
“Damn!” he cursed. “I told my cousin I have a really hot girlfriend, and I was hoping AJ could pretend to be her.”
I shook my head. “I don't think AJ would go for that.”
“Well, do you know anyone else? Anyone?” John pleaded. I shook my head. Girls, except for AJ, tended to stay away from us. Far away.
“Sorry, dude. I can't think of anyone.” I was struck by a sudden though. “Unless...”
“What if I pretend to be your girlfriend?” I proposed to John. “I bet if I do things right I'll totally fool your cousin!”
John stuck his finger down his throat, and mimed gagging. “I'm not that desperate.”
Just then, AJ arrived. “Hey, AJ!” I exclaimed. “I bet you can help me look like a girl.”
She gave me a weird look. “Why would I know anything about drag?” she asked quizically.
John elbowed me. “What Brian here meant to say,” he insisted, “was that it would most humbly appreciated if you would deign to be my ersatz date.”
“My lady,” I added. John elbowed me again.
AJ laughed. “Sure,” she said. “Should be good for a laugh.”
I smiled and looked happy for them, but, secretly, I was crushed. At this rate, I would never turn into a girl!
After my all my disappointments last week, I was sure that it was finally my time.
“I’m sorry, I think you’re a little too short to play Romeo,” the drama teacher told me. “Maybe try out for a different role.”
“I know. I’ll try out for Juliet! I’m sure I’ll make the perfect female love interest.”
The teacher looked at me strangely. “I was thinking something more… appropriate to your talents. Maybe Verona Citizen #1.” I was crushed, but I tried to remain firm. I could always try again next year!
On the way home, I took a different route than usual, hoping the walk would distract me from my sadness. On a mostly empty side street, I noticed a strange store that I had never seen before! A banner on the front read “The Sorceress’ Costumes and Illusions.” That’s strange. I didn’t remember a store being there before!
I decided to poke my head inside. A woman wearing an elaborate headscarf and jangling bracelets looked up from behind the counter at the sound of the door. “Are you the sorceress? What kind of… illusions do you sell here?”
The woman rolled her eyes. Putting down her smartphone and putting on a pair of thick-framed black glasses, she said “I know, I know, the whole thing is really hokey. There is no ‘sorceress’ obvi, that’s just the banner we got from corporate. I can’t wait until this dumb pop-up closes in November.”
“Well… what about costumes?”
“Sorry, dude, our target demographic is mostly either little kids or adult women who forgot Halloween was coming.”
Halloween!? It was only September. How... strange.
“So… do you think I could buy one of them? Not for me, obviously. For my girlfriend!”
She looked me up and down. “No offense, dude, but I doubt you have a girlfriend, and we really don’t carry your size. Trying looking online, it’s cheaper anyway.”
Disappointed once again, I headed home. I logged onto my computer eager to blast some pixels. While it booted up, I remembered what the strange woman had said.
“Try looking online,” her voice echoed eerily in my head.
Well, might as well try it. I logged onto Nile.com and searched “women’s halloween costumes.” Some of them were pretty sexy. I wouldn’t mind wearing them!
Wait, what am I saying? I’m a heterosexual guy! It’s almost like that woman cast a spell on me.
I tried to order a sexy bee costume, but unfortunately I didn’t have a credit card.
“Hey, mom, can I use your credit card?”
“What for? You’re gonna need to be a little more specific.”
“Uh… never mind.”
I decided to just go back upstairs, do a little homework, and then go to bed.
While asleep, I had a strange dream. In it, the Burger Witch—the mascot of the popular chain Burger Hut—told me that I had been too presumptuous.
“How dare you try to embody my witchy spirit, stealing the job from a girl,” the Witch said. “You don’t understand what us girls have to go through. But soon you will!” She started cackling.
I could feel my body start to change! My waist moved inward, my ribs cracking and tendons popping in a sound like a side of beef going through a mangler. My hair grew longer and I could feel my penis shrinking! Then I woke up. I guess the whole thing was a dream. Thank god. I don’t want to be a girl!
That day at school, my English class debated how differently men and women experienced the world.
“I can prove that women have easier!” I announced loudly. Most of my female classmates glared at me. “I’ll dress up and come to school as a woman for a week.”
“How would that prove anything?” asked Gillian, one of the smart girls in my class. “People know who you are here. Also, I think that would tell you more about how people would treat trans women, which while important wasn’t really the focus of the debate, which I guess means arguably we’re guilty of cisnormativity...”
I stopped listening because I didn’t know what she was talking about. Cis? Trans? I had never heard those terms before. Besides, people were just the gender they were, right? Unless someone came by with a magical spell or fantastical technology something like that wasn’t going to change.
That afternoon, I had an appointment with my new therapist. I didn’t want to get my head shrunk but for some reason Mom insisted.
“How do you see yourself?” she asked. I wasn’t sure what she meant, but decided to just be honest.
“I’m a manly, manly man. Just maximum manliness over here. Wow, it sure would be embarrassing if I was somehow turned into a girl.”
“I see,” the therapist said. “I’m getting the impression that you have an unhealthy relationship with gender. Have you considered being more open about embracing your feminine side?”
Embrace femininity? Yuck! What was I, some kind of sissy?
Just then, I saw a degree on her wall. It said she was trained in… hypnotherapy?! Oh no, what if she was trying to hypnotize me into being a girl?!
“Oh god, please don’t hypnotize me. I don’t want to be a girl!”
My therapist looked confused. “No one said anything about hypnosis or making you be a girl. If you don’t want to be a girl, no one could hypnotize you anyway. I only practice hypnosis with some patients as a therapeutic tool. It’s just giving suggestions, and it only has an effect if the client is open to following them.”
That sounded boring! I was hoping it was hypnosis like in the movies. That would be so much more interesting!
Not much else interesting happened that session. I lay there on the couch as she went on about something called “dysphoria,” whatever that was. I was feeling pretty tired, especially because of that dream last night that disturbed my sleep.
In the elevator to the lobby, I felt my eyes irresistibly closing, as if being pulled shut by a strange force. I awoke to feel my self with a force pulling me upward, as I lay on a flat metal surface staring up at a bright white light. Oh no! Had I been kidnapped by aliens?! Were they going to perform strange experiments on me so that I could grow babies in their human zoo?!
I looked up to see a humanoid figure wearing a blue jumpsuit and carrying a long metal rod. A strangely accented voice said, “Hey, kid, can you get out of the elevator?” I looked up to see a custodian wearing a nametag that read “Zurab.” I quickly pushed to my feet and left as he started to mop the metal floor.
Finally, it was the weekend. I woke up at noon and washed my face. I felt like it looked… thinner, somehow. And my hair was definitely longer! I ran downstairs to tell my mom.
“Of course you lost weight,” she said. “Do you not remember all the diarrhea last week? And hair always grows longer over time. Honestly, I worry about you sometimes, kiddo.”
After eating a bowl of cereal with soy milk—we were out of 2%--I went back up to my room. I didn’t usually drink soy milk, but I’m sure it won’t have any weird kinds of effects! I started playing my favorite game, Legends of Tales: Lands of the Realms I checked, but it looked like John and AJ weren’t online. Oh, right, they were meeting John’s cousin. I guess I would have to raid with some new people!
For some reason, my character was set to be female, even though I didn’t remember doing that. Oh well. I quickly managed to find a healer and an arcanist to form a party. They were both guys!
“Hi guys! I’m a high schooler and I just like to have fun! I like to see what my character looks like with different clothes!” I typed.
“Gay” said the healer.
“Dude don’t even try to catfish me or I’ll PK you” said the arcanist. Wow, these guys were rude! And to think I was hoping they would hit on me.
Suddenly, a window popped up on my computer. It said Legends of Tales was now testing VR, in my city! I was so excited and clicked on the window for more details. Unfortunately, my computer then told me I had a virus and needed to download a special new antivirus program! While that was downloading I went and sat on my bed.
This week hadn’t quite been what I was hoping. Oh well.
I could always wait for next week! Maybe then something interesting would finally happen to me.
The next morning I had a bit of a headache. I went to the bathroom and took some of my sister’s pain medication. For some reason, they came in a little foil pack with individual pills labeled with different days. Strange!
I showered, using Sarah’s body wash because I was out. As I applied it to my skin I felt a strange tingling! I checked the label to see that it had a special exfoliating formula.
Then I couldn’t find any clean clothes to change into in my dresser. I went to check the dryer, only to see that it had caught on fire! All my clothes were ruined. What would I wear?
“Mom, can I wear some of Sarah’s clothes while she’s off at college? All of mine are dirty or burned!”
“What? No! And your dresser is empty because I packed it. Did you forget about our annual trip to the lake?”
I had completely forgotten that this was a three day weekend! Hooray, I’d get to see my lake friends that I only saw once a year.
When we arrived at the cabin, I realized that I had accidentally brought the wrong suitcase. It was full of my sister’s spare clothes! How embarrassing!
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to dress like a girl.”
My mom winced. “You always forget something. I made sure to pack some spare clothes for you in my bag.”
Thank god! What would my friends have thought? Would they even have recognized me? What if they thought I was a girl?
Finally I saw my friend David. His family lived far but we always saw each other this one weekend. I was impressed. He had really grown since last year! I had to tear my eyes away from his shirtless body. If I was a girl, I would probably be really into him!
“Hey, man!” David said excitedly. “I bought this weird thing online I wanted to try out on you!”
Sure, why not? David produced a strange, flesh-tone rubbery suit from his luggage. What could it possibly be? As I unfurled it, I realized it looked like a human torso, with some areas heavily padded.
“What IS this?! Is this a bodysuit? Is it going to turn me into a girl?”
David looked at me as if I had gone insane. “No, it’s like a super good swimsuit. Supposed to make you really aquadynamic. I would wear it but it’s too small for me.”
After swimming, David and I met up with some friends to play some Liches and Lagoons. Nerdy, I know, but fun!
“Aw man, why did I get stuck playing a girl character? Well, I guess I’ll just have to try to get into character.” I started leaning forward toward David and batting my eyelashes. “Hey there handsome.”
“Um,” Gary, our DM, said. “You can just change the gender on the sheet. It doesn’t affect anything mechanically.” What a relief!
In our game, we found a strange amulet with a pink stone hidden in a secret chest. All the other players shouted “No!” as I decided to put it on.
“Suddenly,” Gary narrated, “You find yourself transforming! Your body becomes pink, thin, and hairless, as all over you start to shrink.”
I waited with bated breath. I think I knew where this was going! Oh dread! Changed from a big strong warrior into a helpless maiden.
“That’s right,” Gary concluded. “You have found the fabled Amulet of the Naked Mole Rat!”
All the players complained as one as Gary took my character sheet.
Back at the cabin, I accidentally tripped on a floor board! Prying it up, I found an old book full of mysterious symbols, unlike any writing I had ever seen!
As I started taking it to my room, my Mom walked by. “Oh, hey. So THAT’S where my old sheet music went.”
I went to my room and decided to play some music on my phone. The track that played was ambient and oddly soothing. If I listened closely, it almost felt like I could hear voices in the background whispering to me.
I found my eyes slowly, irresistibly closing, as I drifted off to sleep.
The next morning I woke up with the music still playing. Checking my phone, I saw it was “Chill beats to study/relax to ASMR.” Must be some kind of strange code!
Feeling bored, I logged onto the ancient desktop computer left at the cabin in case my dad had to work. I stumbled upon a program I didn’t recognize, called “Control Panel,” that presented an array of options to modify and command! Could I change anything with this?!
After messing around with it for about an hour, I realized I had changed the desktop background, AND the default cursor image! Such power!
Later Mom and I drove into town to go browse through the little touristy shops. In one store window I saw a golden necklace with cryptic symbols that strangely drew me. As my mom was distracted, I crept into the shop and grabbed it from its pedestal!
Suddenly, the necklace started to glow, as I heard a voice say, “You’ll regret touching that, young man!” An old woman came out of the shop and said, “You turned on its flashlight function! Now the battery is going to get low.”
I ran, afraid I would be arrested for shoplifting. The police were after me! How could I hide?
I found myself on a side street and darted into the nearest building, a hair salon.
“How can I help you, sweetie?” asked the receptionist.
“I—uh—need a hair cut! I need to look different, fast!”
“Uh, ok. We’re booked for today but we have an opening tomorrow at three? Would that work?”
I didn’t have time for this. I darted out of the salon, grabbing a wig off a manikin head as I left.
I tried to put the wig on my head while sprinting but it immediately fell off and down into a storm drain. Oh well! Just then, I almost ran right into my mom!
“What on earth are you doing?!” she yelled. “You need to learn to respect these women. Young man, you’re grounded. And I’m going to have to find a way to punish you.”
“Oh, no!” I begged. “Please don’t force me to dress up like a girl! It’s too humiliating! I’ve learned my lesson.”
“No,” my mom said grimly. “I’m going to confiscate your phone!” Oh no! This was far worse than anything I could have imagined.
Stuck in my room in the cabin, I sat glumly on my bed. For once, I had nothing to do except sit there and think.
Lately my life had been so uneventful. Every time I thought something interesting might be about to happen I was disappointed! I was feel kind of down now, honestly.
Well, I resolved. I would just have to make my own life interesting!
“Hey Mom,” I said, after creeping downstairs.
“You’re still grounded!”
“No, that’s not—I need to tell you something.”
“Yes?” she said, sitting down after she picked up on my serious tone, and patting the couch next to her.
“I think I… I think I might be trans.”