Prologue: Of Masks and Men

I've always been pretty normal. Just about average. We lived in the same house, as long as I could remember. The same school all through grade school. The same boring old family that perhaps I may at times take for-granted.
Seeing the moving truck parked in front of the house yesterday has unsettled something in me. Tonight at Derek's 18th birthday, celebrated at a folding card table since all our furniture and possessions were still in disarray, I felt the insidious nature of time for the first time.
My big brother was now an Adult. It was strange noting his large lumbering body awkwardly seated before the too small table. 18 candles in the chocolate cake flickering in the dull afternoon light.
Mama and Papa singing happy birthday, me watching silently taking it all in.
Tomorrow, the first day of high school, everything was changing.
I could even feel myself changing thought not always in expected ways.
Derek blew out the candles and I clapped my hands together. He looked over at me, and his expression of unusual kindness told me he could see the tears glistening in the corners of my eyes.
“Happy birthday Big Bear” I said, calling him by a childhood nickname I hadn't used in many years.
He nodded his head. “Thanks Mouse”.
Unlike my brother's nickname mine had stuck... was still sticking. Everyone at school, all my friend... both of them, and my family still used this nickname. Mama said I would grow out of it one day.
“So... where's my presents?” Derek asked half jokingly, half not.
Papa held up the ancient Polaroid camera and the flash went out. He took the photo shaking it back and forth in his hands, then set it face down on the table.

“It's outside” Mama said.
“Oh?” Derek asked. He had this look in his eyes. Pure excitement and anticipation. Mama led the way, and we followed outside to the driveway.
A car had appeared in the driveway. A older car, red with a bit of rust around the tires. It looked washed and polished.
“'You didn't” Derek asked.
I didn't understand the excitement in his voice. Maybe I was too young to be excited by the prospect of driving. I remember though how happy the road bike I got for my birthday last year made me thought.

“'''Congratulations” , standing on my tippy toes, patting him on the shoulder.
He picked me up a dazed look in his eyes. “'Do you see that Mouse? A car! My car! I have a god dam car!”''
“Okay I get it put me down you stupid bear...”
He dropped me, thankfully I landed on my feet.
Derek ran to the car, circling it, inspecting every inch. “Thanks mom, thanks dad!” He exclaimed.
Papa looked over at me. “Mouse I forgot the camera, go get it for me please Hon.”
I nodded my head.
Why did they have to get him a car? I felt uneasiness whenever it came to cars. They always seemed to unsettle my stomach.
I walked inside and grabbed the camera off the table. I stopped when I noticed the Polaroid.
I turned the photo over. We looked like such a misfit family. We all looked so different. Mama was sitting beside Derick in the photo. Her red hair and freckled skin looked out of place next to Derek with his black hair and darker skin. Dad only caught the back of my head in the photo. All I could see was the blond chin length hair, the pale white skin of my neck and on of my scrawny shoulders. I'm the smallest of the bunch. Dad is taller then Derek, but not near as broad. His hair is black like Derek's but falls in long curls.
I put the photo back down and went outside. Catching a candid photo of Papa giving Derek the keys before the noticed my return.

* * *

I slept on a mattress on the floor, or at least I tried to sleep. Mama kept coming in to ask if I was alright. I was glad that she was concerned for me, probably worried that I wasn't settling in to my new digs.
Everyone else was still up, but I was exhausted. My bed frame and box spring were leaning up against one wall. I could here them talking downstairs in the kitchen. Their jovial chatter lulling me to sleep.
I woke up with a start. Derek yelled something, I couldn't hear what, he sounded surprised.
Mama said “'You'll wake Mouse!”'
I could hear more talking... quieter. Papa was saying something in a comforting tone. My heavy eyes closed... opened, then closed again.

* * *

I woke to heavy foot steps coming up the stairs.
“Mouse!”
I struggled to pull myself awake. “What?” I meant to say. It sounded a lot more like “'Whamphh” however.
My door slowly opened and he stood his head in, looking around not seeing me in the pile of blankets on the floor until second glance.
“Sam is here for you” he said.
“I'm up” I said. He disappeared back out the door and I heard him thudding down the stairs. Then I heard talking trailing off as the screen door slammed shut.

* * *

Sam was looking the car over. Up and down. Derek got in a popped the hood.
“Hey Sam” I said.
“Check out your brothers sweet ride Mouse!” he said.
“I saw... I saw, it's great”' I said trying to sound enthustiastic.
I watched them for a little and sat down on the grass.
I hadn't seen Sam since the last day of school. He looked different. He was taller and broader in the shoulders.
I laid down on the grass and closed my eyes. I wondered if mike had changed? He was always really short. Like five feet tall. I wondered if when I saw him he would be a giant towering over me.
“''Hey Mouse, grab your bike. We're meeting Mike in town!”
“'Huh?” I said opening my eyes and trying to gain my bearings.
Sam straddled his oversized mountain bike. I went into our detached garage. I made sure when we unloaded the truck my bike would be by the door. It was a light road bike with thin tires. Still shiny and new looking thanks to the care I took with it. It was sort of like a utility bike. There was a platform on the back I guess for carrying cargo or something. An there had been a basket on the front but I took it off after getting fed up with Michael and Sam's teasing.

* * *

My bike only had 5 gears but I had no problem keeping up with Sam, especially when he tried to get his much heavier bike up a steep hill.
He was talking about the summer, how he'd gone to camp, and made out with a girl.
I half listened. When we arrived at the movie theatre I was a bit dismayed. It was too nice a day to spend inside a dark theatre, and I really wasn't a movie fan.
“You guys really want to watch a movie?” I asked.
“We have a surprise for you!” Michael said. He was still five foot nothing, but his voice had changed. It was deep and gravely. I laughed, I couldn't help it.
Sam and Michael exchanged a questioning look.

* * *

They had somehow gotten tickets to an R-rated horror movie.
“Common Mouse, It'll be awesome!” Sam told me.
We were walking down the dark hall towards our theatre 9.
“It's not really my thing” I said slowing down.
Sam linked arms with my right arm, and Michael did likewise with my left.
“Don't be such a baby” Sam said. “This is a once in a lifetime chance.”
“You can thank Derek for getting us the tickets” Michael said.
We entered our theatre and took our seats.
Our friendship had changed in our last year of grade school. It was almost like we no longer liked the same things, and they kept talking me into things that weren't exactly my cup of tea.
We sat near the back of the theatre in the middle. It was pretty deserted. The movie started and I noticed Sam and Michael kept glancing kept glancing over at me.
I quickly became absorbed in the movie though.
A family had just moved into a new house... well a very old, very creepy house. The premise was eerily
reminiscent of the last few days. Especially when the family celebrated the birthday of the youngest child. When the family was woken up with loud, banging noises from the basement I grabbed onto Michael who laughed.

“Hey man, I told you it would be hilarious to take Mouse to a horror flick.”
“We love ya Mouse but this is seriously funny shit.”
I pull myself away from Michael. Then a black shadow creeps up behind the father as he walks down the stairs to the basement to investigate. When he gets to the bottom of the stairs the single hanging light bulb begins to flicker. The lights go out, the screen is black. The entire audience of the theatre is basked in darkness.
Then the light bulb flickers back to life showing the face of a snarling old woman with sharp bloody teeth... I scream. Honest to goodness scream.
Then the lights go out again and we were again basked in darkness.
“I don't like this” I say.
No one answers me. I feel Sam tap my shoulder, and I turn to see Sam's dark figure. He looks a little strange. The lights on the movie screen flicker back on and I am staring into the old ladies face right in front of me. I am staring right into the mouth full of sharp teeth. I jumped over the armrest into Michael's lap screaming hysterically.
Sam pulls off the mask he is wearing and doubles over in laughter.
Michael is looking down at me with a grin on his face that suddenly turns into a frown. “Oh god he's peeing on me! Clench dam it! Clench!”
I clench and the stream stops, but I don't know for how long I can hold it.
A light shines on us from the aisle.
“You three, your done. Get out now” an angry girls voice says with authority.
“What do you mean?” Sam asks.
“Your ruining the movie for others, I'm kicking you three out now.”

The theatre employee marches us out of the theatre. I couldn't be happier.
Sam is still laughing his stupid jerk head off all the way out into the hall.
Michael gives me a dirty look.
“Your own dam fault” I snap.
“I guess” Micheal’s expression softens, then he breaks out laughing. “That was so worth getting kicked out.”
“And getting peed on?” Sam asks.
“It wasn't funny! I was really scared.”
As we're passing by the washroom I grab onto them. “Wait?”
“What?” Michael asks.
“I can't keep clenching!”
“So...”
I looked down the dark hallway to the washroom. Then I look back at them.
“Mouse don't be such a chicken. Just go already” Sam says.
“Yeah, then we can go back to my place and watch the bootleg I have. Gah... I can't believe we got kicked out. The ending is killer.”
They keep walking leaving me behind.
“Excuse me?”
I turn to see the girl wearing the theatres uniform. A flashlight strapped to her belt. “Are you okay?”
she asks.
I look at her warily. “I don't want to cause any more trouble.”
“Your friends are jerks” she says. “I overheard. Are you okay getting the bathroom?”
“If... can you walk me to the door. I know it's stupid.”
“It's fine... I take my brother to the washroom all the time. I saw that trick with the mask they played. I would have wet myself then and there.”
“Oh, thanks for saving me back there” I say.
“No problem. Glad to help. I'm Trisha.”
She grabs my hand and leads me to the bathroom. I hurry to the first open stall and relieve myself. When I come out I see her fixing her hair in the mirror.
I look around.
“This is the girls bathroom?” I ask.
“Sure is hon. Oh I don't think anyone will care. I mean your like what nine?”
A handful of girls walk into the bathroom absorbed in conversation of the movie they just watched. They walk right past me and cue up at the stalls.
“And you kind of blend in you know.”
“I'm 13” I say washing my hands.
“You going to be okay?” she asks.
I nod.
“Good, I have to get back to work.”

When I step outside I realize it's getting dark fast.
Sam and Michael are waiting for me outside.
“There he is!” Sam says.
“Hurry your butt up.”
As we get on our bikes Michael says “Man... she was a real bitch.”
He looks over at me. “Wasn't she?”
I shrug peddling away. “I think she was pretty cool.”

Chapter 1 *unedited, un-cut*

'It comes off in layers... like dried blood."
Voices in the darkness. My voice and my words.
"The razor cuts beneath don't sting."
The air around me is chilly in the darkness.
"Is that what you think of meditation?"
I open my eyes. The man before me is a counselor, someone who perhaps will listen, will help me find my true nature.
"Yes," I answer him. "It's like being washed clean to find old wounds have healed."
"I'm glad it's helping. Your quite imaginative."
"I have to be, I'm still a child after all. How else do you expect me to survive in this world?" I say with serious voice, but I assume a joking glint within my eyes.
He smiles. Short dark hair and a triangular face. He is clean shaved as you expect a counselor to be. His body lanky but powerful I am sure.
He is quite attractive. I close my eyes again. Hoping to be lost in his words.
"There you go again, eyes always wide shut."
"It helps" I say.
"Helps how?"
"What time is it?"
"Quarter to three, looks like our time for today is about up." I hear him close the notebook.
"I have something to say."
"Okay, what is it?" The book opens again.
"I wish to be a fool, or at least able to say foolish things at times."
"It's okay, I'm listening..."
"It's a secret... you understand?"
"Yes, of course. As we discussed earlier in regards to your privacy and confidentiality."
"I think I might be a girl."
I open my eyes but can't raise my gaze to meet his.
"How long have you felt this way?"
"I think our time is up" I say grabbing my book bag to my chest and hurrying out.

* * *

The sun is bright as I push open the heavy doors, the finial school bell of the day is ringing out behind me.
The courtyard is full of hundred of liberated kids, headed home, or lining up for a bus if they live further away.
Fortunately the new house is only four blocks away and the weather is just beautiful.
I weave in and out of the masses, making my escape. I'm not very popular around here. I do have friends though, and it is those friends I am attempting to avoid.
Sam and Michael. Last night they managed to catch me and we spent the whole night watching horror flicks in Sam's spooky ass basement. I'm probably going to have nightmares for the rest of my life. I see them standing by the school gate scanning the crowd, looks like I wasn't fast enough. I just don't have the energy and they just don't take no for an answer. Besides do I really want to alienate my two best and only friends?
Then I see Gary. Good old Gary, Boy next door Gary.
He is tall, solidly built and handsome. He is also two years older. He is headed toward the student parking lot where the motorcycle he calls his chicken hawk is. I don't understand the name, nor do I try.
"Gary! Hey neighbor friend guy!" I run towards him, when suddenly he stops and turns and I run straight into him taking us both down, me on his chest. I blush, I don't mean too it just happens.
"Uhm hey buddy" I say. He doesn't look very happy. "Can I get a ride?"
"Looks like your already riding me neighbor friend..."
I can feel the silence as we draw attention from onlookers.
I get up off him. "Please?"
"Why? Do you like bikes? Do you think they're cool?"
We stand and he dusts off his back side.
"uhm... well not really. I mean I like living... I think."
"Sure, lets go" he says with a friendly smile.
I really hadn't been expecting that. I gulp. "What?"
"I hate dumb asses who only like bikes because they think that they are cool and dangerous and attention grabbers."
"What?" I ask again.
"You don't mind riding on the back with another guy? It's kind of frowned upon."
I shake my head no. The thought of it being strange or whatever never crossed my mind.
He puts a helmet on my head with a dark visor and straps it under my chin.
"We're really doing this aren't we?" I ask.
He pats the top of my helmet, then puts his own on and straddles the bike. I sit on the bike behind him placing my hands on his shoulders. He grabs my hands, puts them around his waist and pulls me forward. I feel my body pressing against his. The bike roars to life. I squeeze him as hard as I can.
"Relax... and don't move alright." The next thing I know we're flying... and I meaning flying like birds through the school gate past Sam and Michael. I can't lie, this is the single most greatest moment of my life.

I'm a bit surprised when we go past the turn off to our street, and take the scenic route into town. Stopping at the one and only local gas station. He pulls up to the pump, and shuts the bike off.
"Need some gas, you want to grab me a drink?" he asks motioning at the food truck. I get off the bike with shaky legs. My muscle sore and cramped from clenching too tight in fear and excitement. I lean against him for a moment. "Sure, what's your pleasure?"
"Diet coke."
I walk over on jello legs and order a coke and small vanilla ice cream. I feel like I am over heating a bit and remember to take the helmet off.
"Your boyfriends hot" the girl serving me says. I feel hot and flustered. "I don't think he likes me like that."
"Don't be so sure hon. Guys only let cuties they like ride with them."

I'm sitting at a picnic table still blushing when Gary pulls the bike up to join me.
"So what's your deal Mouse?" he asks taking the cold and sweating can of coke from my hand.
"What do you mean?" I ask guardedly.
"I've seen you around. Eyes always closed, head always down. When someone talks to you, you can't get away fast enough."
He reaches out and pulls on my chin length hair. "And your style... girlish, cute. Do you like boys?"
I feel myself getting angry, I slap his hand away. "None of your business."
He gives me a knowing grin.
"That's what your friends say about you, that your so girlish they can't help but tease you."
"Who says?"
"Mike says you have a girlish squeal, that's why they made you watch horror movies all last night." He laughs.
I feel my heart ice over.
"How did you.... how do you?"
"Shop class. Those two can be a riot sometimes."

I get up and start walking away. I feel so angry I could scream... then I start laughing... laughing at my own folly,
laughing cause it hurts, laughing because if I stop I'll cry. I throw my ice cream down on the ground. "I'm walking home" I say with a very tired, very defeated voice.
I feel a hand grab my wrist from behind.
I spin around about to tell him where he can go when I see his face soften with a pained expression.
"Look, I didn't mean too..." he rubs the back of his neck. "Please don't cry..."
I brush my hand against my face and feel wetness on my cheeks. Then I am very aware he is still holding my wrist. “Let me take you home Mouse” he says, gently pulling me back to the motorbike.

* * *

We pull into my driveway. I get off the bike and fumble with the clasp. Gary comes over to me and his fingers work deftly, brushing against my neck and sending a shiver down my spine.
I hear the screen door slam. I turn to see my brother Derek come out of the house with a beer in his hand. “Hey Gare, you dating my sister now man?”
I feel myself blushing.
“Something let that” Gary jokingly calls back. He leans over and whispers “so fun to tease” in a husky voice into my ear. The red hot heat flooding my face flows down my neck, into my body and then down to my feet. This is the first time I have done a full body blush before. Its uncomfortable.
He gets on the bike and rides down the street to his house.
“Mouse?” Derek asks. “Whats going on?... What did he say?” He steps in my way. I walk around him, walk past Mama who is watering the house plants. “Oh honey your finally hom--” She looks up at me. “Oh dear...”. I climb the stairs to my room and shutting the door collapse on the bed in an unstable and slightly disgruntled heap. The confusing thoughts and emotions of this very strange day flickering about in my brain shorting circuits here... there... everywhere. Thank god today is Friday.

* * *

The door to my room opens. I hear footsteps. I burrow deeper into my nest of blankets. The curtains make a “schweeping” sound as they are pulled back. “Mouse honey its time to get up” Mama says from somewhere over my head.
“I'm taking the day off” I mumble through the blankets.
I feel a sudden earth quake as my bed begins to shake back and forth.
“It's the weekend Mouse, go outside and play with your friends...”
“Hah... friends... those jerks can burn in hell.”
“Is this another one of your moods?” she asks and the bed stops shaking.
I pull the covers back and glare at her, but it must look more like a pout 'cause she laughs at me.
“I'll make pancakes and you can tell Mama all about it okay honey?”
I look down sadly and start pulling on the blankets. “With chocolate chips and whip cream?” I ask in a tiny voice.
“Yes, but only if you come help your Mama make them, okay sweetheart?”
I can't help smiling at Mama's silly smile. “Okay”.
“You spoil that child” I hear Dad say from the hallway.
“I know dear. This ones my favorite.”
“Well as long as you know.”

* * *

“So Mouse what's going on child of mine?” Mama asks as I cut up the pancakes and make happy eating sounds.
“Yesterday was a very strange day...” I said. “Scary... exciting.”
Mama looked very interested.
“Go on.”
“Just stuff... stuff happened... Confusing stuff.”

Derek walked into the kitchen and poured a cup of black coffee. “You mean your new romance?” He asked with a sly grin.
“Romance... did you get a Girlfriend Mouse?”
I feel my nose turn up at the thought. “No, nothing like that.”
“Don't lie now Mouse or I'll introduce Mom to your lover” Derek continued.
“Don't tease your brother Derek, this is serious stuff! It's perfectly normal for a boy to start feeling affection for girls at Mouses age.”
“Ya, Mouse Normal that's a good one.”
“Your brother will grow up to be a fine upstanding young man.”
“Then why do you treat him like a girl?”
“You know your brother is very sensitive!”
“A boy doesn't look like that! Or act like that! Or go riding around on the back of a boys motorcycle and whispering sweet nothings into each others ears!”
“Derek, thank you for your input. Please let me discuss things with your brother.”
Derek held up his hands, one still holding the cup of coffee and backed out of the room.
“Mouse you rode on a motorcycle? What would I do if anything happened to you?”
“I don't know” I say weakly.
“And what's this about a boy? Do you like this boy like that?”
“No...”
“Mouse?”
“I don't think so...”
“My poor Bay-Bay.... I don't want you to see this boy again, not right now I mean.”
“Okay...”
“I know you don't understand, but it's in your own interest.”
I stood up, accidentally knocking over a glass of milk that shattered broken glass over my feet. I felt emotionally dead. As if the last circuit had shorted. I know it doesn't make any sense. I... I don't know why I feel the way I do, or why sometimes I just feel nothing at all. It's as if I suddenly die inside. That's what Mama means by being sensitive isn't it? My moods as she calls them.
“Mouse say something.... speak to me...”
I wasn't able to speak. There was no voice left in me. Just an empty hollow shell. I remembered my counselor in that moment. Dave with his triangular face, dark eyes, and deep calming voice.
I needed to meditate, maybe that would save me from the darkness.

* * *

What event in my life, if it was an event, could have made me like this? Happy and content one moment, dead the next.
The thoughts would come, and go. That was fine.... don't try to hold onto them, don't throw them away. Just be aware of them within the darkness. Let the voices call out.
And then I hear the world shatter. The sound of a bang, setting the universe in motion and a distant scream.

“Mama... why are you crying?”
“Mouse? It's alright. Here let me help you clean up?”
I looked down at my hands and arms, covered in brownish red... dried blood. I saw the marks on my arms where my nails had broken skin, leaving shallow trenches. “It won't hurt...”
“What darling?”
“I don't know Mama.”

The home office was a lot different then the office Dave used at the school.
There was a statue of a Buddha on the book shelf, and rows upon rows of books. There were two comfortable chairs, a small couch and a heavy looking oak desk.
My eyes were fixated on golden Buddha. Mouth opened in laughter, belly protruding outwards as if unable to contain his joy.

“'Your mother tells me you had another episode”'.
I blush remembering where we had left off yesterday. When I had said something foolish.
I look down at my bandaged arms.
“It stings.”
“I bet it does. What would you like to talk about?”
“I like this office better.”
“Me too.”
“Are you a Buddhist?” I ask.
“I try to be” he says with a quirky smile.
“He makes me happy” I say motioning at the statue.
Dave gets up, taking the Buddha down from the shelf and setting it on the desk.
“The laughing Buddha symbolizes happiness, having plenty and good fortune. Do you want to rub his belly?”
I look up at Dave with serious eyes. “I would.”
I rub his belly trying to get the happiness to rub off on me. I'm not sure if it's working.
“Are you happy Dave?” I ask.
He looks surprised for a moment.
“Yes, I would say I am quite content. That's the first time I've been asked that in a session” he looks bemused.
“Are you happy?” He asks me.
“Sometimes... I mean I think I usually am.”
“'Where did you go Bay? During this episode?”
“Mouse... everyone calls me Mouse.”
“'You prefer Mouse?”
“I don't know, that's what everyone calls me...”
“Do you remember anything from the episode you had earlier today?”
“It was loud... all of the sudden. Then it was really really quiet. Someone was screaming”.
“Do you remember anything else?”
“Like what?”
“Like for instance, who was screaming?”
“No. I don't want to think about it anymore.”
“And after?”
“Mama was crying.”
“Do you remember hurting yourself?”
“No.”
“How often do you have these episodes?”
“Not often. Almost never.”
“What do you think triggered it?”
“Everyone was upset. I was upset too, and I knocked over the glass... I felt glass on my feet.”
“How do you feel now?”
“Tired....”
There was a moment of silence.
“What's wrong with me?” I ask.
“Nothing Ba-- Mouse. This is an unfortunate but common response to something that happened in your past.”
“What happened?”
“A Trauma.”
“Trauma? You mean like a bad memory?”
“Yes.”
“I can't remember.”
“Can't or don't want to?”
“Both...”
“That's alright.”
I look back over to the Buddha statue. “Why would I want to remember something bad?”
“Because it can help you to understand what's going on inside, and can help you to identify your triggers.”
“I feel better now, can we talk about something else?”
“Would you like to pick up where we left off Friday morning?”
I feel my hands clench.
“About what?” I ask even while knowing the answer.
“About the revelation you shared with me. You said that you think you are a girl?”
I feel tired, and still a bit shaky. I don't think I want to do this right now.
“Do you think it's cause of this trauma?”
“Maybe... maybe not. When did you first feel this way?”
“A long time. Years, maybe my entire life.”
“What makes you feel that your a girl?”
“Nothing specific... I don't know.”
“Do you like being a boy?”
“I don't know... I guess. I try not to think about it. It makes me sad.”
“What in particular makes you sad about being a boy?”
“Being seen by others as a boy. Being treated like a boy.”
“Is there anything else?” Dave asks.
I shake my head no.
“Your mother says your becoming close with a neighbourhood boy.”'
I don't think I can tell him about some of the confusing thought's I've had about Gary. It could be just nothing. Or it could be something. Maybe I'm just embarrassed. Maybe it's cause I think Gary must just see me as a boy. I mean even if he's into me and not just teasing me.
“Is it weird, or not normal to like a boy?” I ask.
“No, I wouldn’t say that. People of the same gender often develop romantic feeling for each other just like those of opposite genders.”
“Does that make me a girl?”
“No, not at all.”
“What if I don't want him to like me as a boy?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don't know.... am I weird?”
“Boy or girl your an amazing kid.”
“'I want to stop here. Okay?” I feel my face burning red. Strangely I can feel my heart pounding in my throat, even in my finger tips. Like I've been in a hot bath too long. “I'm tired.”
“That's fine with me. I think we've covered a lot of ground here today.”
Dave gives me a reassuring smile. “I'll see you Monday.”
Mama didn't ask what we talked about, and I fell asleep on the way home.

* * *

I woke up in my own bed. The sun was set, and through the closed curtains was the blackness of twilight. Derek was sitting in my desk chair that he had pulled up to the bed.
“Hey sleepy head.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“You looked peaceful.”
“Yeah, I was asleep.”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stress you out earlier.”
“It's okay.”
He rests his hand on my forehead.
“Your doing alright kid... your alright.” He says, then gets up and leaves the room.
I'm wide awake having slept the afternoon away. I look over at the alarm clock. It says 11:00 pm.
“Now what?” I ask the dark and empty room. I doubt I can get back to sleep and I am both thirsty and have to pee.
I get out of bed, use the washroom and walk out into the backyard with a glass of water. Sitting on the grass beneath the tall old birch tree, the only tree in our yard, I cross my legs and meditate. I focus on what is immediately happen in this moment of time... before it can pass me by. It is a warm summers breeze, just beginning to cool, that tickles my face with a stray hair. The smell of flowers in bloom, is overwhelmed by freshly cut grass. Crickets are chirping all around me and I think that I can hear each and every one of their songs. Beneath it all, somewhere in the darkness, I can hear the distant shattering of glass.