Mary walked into her son’s, Brian’s room. She’d never been in it like this. Sure she’d come in to wake him up, make sure he was up or even to help with homework questions. But today she was here to pry into his private life, she was feeling a multitude of things, guilt by far was the strongest. Curiosity was next also the feeling of dread was quite high.
Michelle
Mary walked into her son’s, Brian’s room. She’d never been in it like this. Sure she’d come in to wake him up, make sure he was up or even to help with homework questions. But today she was here to pry into his private life, she was feeling a multitude of things, guilt by far was the strongest. Curiosity was next also the feeling of dread was quite high.
She was usually one to let her kids come to her but today seemed different, not really anything she could put her finger on but the echo of what her daughter was something she couldn’t ignore any longer.
Remembering the conversation well, it seemed like it had happened minutes ago not the two weeks ago that it had actually taken place. Her oldest child at 21 probably wasn’t a child or kid anymore but a beautiful young woman although she would always think of them that way because she still remembered the day they born and how small they had been.
Angela had come into the kitchen after dinner, and Brian had gone up to his room, like he always did. She sighed. Hi honey how are things going?
Hi mom, things are good, school is great and my classes are going well. Angela answered. Can I ask you something about Brian and have you not go all protective momma bear on me?
The question caught her off guard; she’d always wanted her kids to come to her with anything and always made sure that she told them that. But she also understood that when they complained about each other she would tend to let them figure it out together. And sometime she did go a little over board in protecting her youngest, him being five years younger than his sister, she sometimes felt that there was a little bit of Angela picking on him.
And with that in mind she also recognized that Angela sounded concerned and not trying to pick a fight. Plus if it was a fight she wouldn’t have the question the way she had, she’d have just went off in a statement.
Sure dear I promise not to go all momma bear on you until after! Mary joked.
Ok well don’t take this wrong, as she saw her mom bristle, um ok not how I wanted this to go. Look mom something major is going on with him I’m serious!
Ok why do you think that? Mary asked tight lipped, she’d promised after all.
Um…. I, I just saw some things and some things he’s said or reacted to questions I’ve asked have been met with either scorn or argumentative expressions.
Well what did you see? Mary sighed. Brian had definitely been different the last few months.
You know how he’s not been growing much right? He’s only as tall as me at 5ft10inches and I bet he weights the same as I do. But it’s not just that his clothes mom there so baggy you know.
It is the style now she replied, I don’t like them either but he seems to. She sighed.
Well ya, but that’s because he’s hiding things. Angela muttered.
Angela! Just say it! Said Mary.
Ok, um…. well I saw him when he came out of the shower in just a tank top and shorts and well he’s got boobs and hips and a waist like me mom! I was behind the corner enough that he didn’t see me since walked into his room so fast. Angela squeaked out.
And the day before I saw him come out of the shower I was watching a talk show that was talking about transgendered people on it, he asked me if I found it interesting or why was I watching it? I said that I found it interesting but that I felt the people in the show were mostly looking for attention, or that they might have a mental disease.
He got a look that was sad, but then it went to anger and he said, why watch it then? He got up and walked to his room and that was it. But I got the feeling it pissed him off and that’s why he left. He hasn’t talked to me really since.
Mary had tried to see what Angela had been seeing and she couldn’t because he was always dressed in his baggy clothes. His bedroom door suddenly began to be locked when he was in it and he seemed to have just further fallen into himself. Gone was the happy go lucky kid she remembered and now all she saw was a child dressed all in black and not even a hint of a smile.
Trying everything that she could think of to get Brian to open up to hadn’t worked if anything he retreated into himself more. She’d said if there was a problem medically she would take him to the dr. and they would figure it out. He’d said nothing was wrong and he felt fine and why couldn’t I just leave him alone.
So left with her only option she went snooping! Honestly she had no idea what she was looking for or what she would find, but she had to see if she could find something that would help in understanding her son.
She looked through his dresser and the closet she didn’t find anything no clothes like Angela had told her she would find. She started to think that she was just wasting her time. Sitting on the bed to think before she just rushed out of the room, the back of her leg hit what she thought was the frame but turned out to be a diary!
Part 2
I’m sitting there on the bed should I read the diary? Or should I not? At first I know I shouldn’t but then what if this will help me figure out what is going on? Don’t I owe it to my family to know what’s going on in my sons life I mean if it will help maybe I can even pretend that I didn’t read it and just push him for more answers until he does tell me.
I hear the back door open, Angela is home from college her classes only taking her until 2:45 today, plenty of time to get to the basketball game and cheer on Jessica.
Maybe I should wait until we get home and push for answers? That’s probably what I should do. My mind made up; I go to stand up, when Angela walks into the room, what you doing mom? She asks.
Oh nothing I found your brothers diary and had an internal debate on whether or not to read it. I opted for not so let’s go back down stairs and go to the game.
I go to slide the diary back under the mattress where I found it when a letter falls out addressed to mom and Angela. Angela leans down and grabs it before I can and she unfolds it and begins to read it.
Dear mom and Angela
11/10/2016
This letter is close to the one that Jessica got, granted she won’t have it until Monday and I hope that you don’t find this early because I know I couldn’t face you both with what I’m about to do. I know I sent you a text saying I’m riding with Julie to the game, but I’m not she doesn’t even know anything so don’t be mad at her, I never even asked her for a ride. I want you guys to know that I love you and I hope that you will go and enjoy the game. There are things that are going on with me that I have not been able to talk to you about and for that I’m sorry. I want you to know that I am really a girl not a boy! I have always felt this way and the idea of going through a boy puberty makes me sick. So I made sure that wouldn’t happen. I have been on hormones for two years now, and I know Angela saw stuff that day when I was in my towel and she said something to you because of your questions the last couple of weeks. I’m sorry we fight all the time both of you I never wanted to fight I love you guys so much that it hurts to fight but how could I tell you I am a freak. I know what people think of people like me it’s awful and I couldn’t put you through that. Angela probably wouldn’t have to deal with too much because her friends from school don’t know me, but mom how could you face the people in your life with them knowing you had a freak for a kid? The stuff people would say about you I can’t put you through that, I’m sorry. Not only am I a girl I want to date a girl so I can only imagine what people would say to that because a lesbian transgender kid is just dumb, if I like girls why don’t I just stay a boy? Well for me it’s not the same thing and I can’t live as a boy. Angela I have always looked up to you and wished I could be just like you, you are an amazing person and just so beautiful. You will never know how crushed I was when I found out I wouldn’t grow up to look like you and then I became the annoying brother that you didn’t want around. And I know that is how it goes with siblings even if I had been born a girl, it’s just the age difference, but it hurt when I couldn’t be with you anymore. More so because I couldn’t tell you or mom that I was a girl and I wanted to do all the things you guys got to do. And mom don’t think this is your fault because dad was killed in the trucking accident and I didn’t have a male role model because it wouldn’t have mattered. It’s just the way I am. I wish things were different and I was your little girl and that I was Angela’s little sister because she makes a great sister! My last wish is that you can bury me in a nice dress, even if you chose to have a closed casket service so no one knows that’s ok but I would really like it, but if you can’t I understand.
P.S. I’m sorry about your dress Angela, I know it was one of your favorites but it is mine to.
P.S.S. please don’t be mad at Jessica she didn’t know either because how could I tell her and not you because she has been the other most important person in my life.
Love always your daughter Britney
I watch as her face goes through several emotions the first is shock and maybe concern, the next is fear and then the tears come and the cry that escapes from her mouth is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. She runs to her room and I follow behind her as she checks her closet, “its gone” she sobs.
I grab the letter from her and start to read I don’t get all the way through it before Angela has thrown herself at me into a big hug and sobbing she asks if I think it’s already happened?
Then the phone rings, it’s like out of a movie we can’t even move and it’s like we’re frozen to the spot. The phone keeps ringing and ringing and Angela and I just stare out of doorway into the hall it seems like forever but I know it’s only a minute before the phone starts ringing again. I’m numb my baby may have already be hurt and I have no idea what to do my mind has gone completely blank. As the phone rings again we move and both take off for the phone.
I walked into the lunch room and stood in line for something that resembled the name of what the sign said. No way is that spaghetti, and honestly how do you screw up spaghetti? But our school seems to be able to!
Getting to the table that my one and only friend Jessica is sitting with her girlfriends Jenny and Amber, yup the three of them are together which is really cool. Only I wish I was Jess’s girlfriend but it will never happen.
I say hi to everyone and try to do more than push my lunch around.
Oh well it’s not like after today anything matters much. I wish I could tell someone but I know that it will be the end of me. Jessica is the best friend anyone could ask for and I guess I know that it will hurt her and she will probably miss me but I can’t take the pain anymore!
I picked today because she will be on her way to the away game for the girls’ basketball game and I’m enough of a coward that I can’t face her so I will wait until she leaves for the game. She’s the point guard for the lady cougars. Amber and Jenny are also on the team they play shooting guards and point guard if Jessica gets into foul trouble.
I sit there and slightly listen to the conversation, but my thoughts just are a sporadic mess. I always wanted to play for the girls’ basketball team but I can’t because some doctor decided I was a boy! Well I’m not I’m a girl and always have been, not my fault my outward body doesn’t match.
So I took matters into my own hands and ordered hormones and blockers off the internet, maybe not the smartest thing I’ve ever done cause who’s to say it’s safe without a doctors approval. But it’s because of a doctor I’m in this situation anyway. The idea of growing into a big hairy guy has made me sick since 5th grade health class when they talked about the puberty thing.
From that point on I was determined not to go through that so when things started going sideways I got the pills. I’ve been on them for two years now since I was fourteen. Using my allowance, birthday and holiday money that I was given to buy them I started mowing lawns and anything else I could think of to earn the money for my pills. I remember when my breasts started budding I was so excited I cried!
I’ve felt so alone through this, but I have been living through Jessica going shopping and listening to her talk about hair and make-up. I love to go shopping with her I help pick out clothes and I even get decent compliments half the time for my picks.
It just drives everything home when Jessica says she wishes I’d been a girl because as much as we play basketball together no team could beat us, and then we could shop till we drop afterwards to celebrate.
That hurts big time when she says stuff like that because I really want that too! But it’s still not enough to make me tell her. If I had to come to school without her then life wouldn’t be worth living any way.
I’m sure mom and Angela will miss me but it’s not like they would accept me for who I am. Mom’s great she’s been through enough what with having to raise us alone. At least dad had some money from his job’s life insurance and the trucking company had to a bunch after their truck killed him yes it was an accident but they were the ones that let the maintenance on the truck slip causing the brakes to fail.
And I’ve tried to give hints to them hell I’ve even left my sister’s clothes in different places hoping she’d say something but I think she’s so busy with school and stuff that she doesn’t notice. Then the day with that show was just the end of trying to talk to her about it. I knew she’d think I was nuts and sick in some way.
I try to talk to mom but every time I start to say something she looks at me like she’s got something more pressing than talking to me. I’m sure that I’m wrong and she loves me but I think she thinks me being a boy gives her no common ground or ideas of how to talk to me. So I just leave it alone because like I said she’s had it bad enough. She tried dating once that ended bad the guy was an ass and she just decided that the single life was for her.
I glance over at Jess, hey I need to go call my mom and make sure that she’s coming to get me for the game. I’ll catch you in class, I’ve decided I just can’t take it any longer and I’m doing this now!
It’s the last class of the day for Jess and the rest they have to get ready for the game and the drive over to central high to play the Devils.
Dumping my tray I head for the hallway to send mom a text that Julie will give me a ride to the game. I do have it all planned and ready to go, stopping at Jess’s locker I slide the envelope though the slits in the door. Ya she might find it before Monday but it won’t matter it will be too late.
I head for the gym, mom’s home so the only place this going to work is at school. I head for the girls locker room where I should have been the whole time. I walk in and make sure the coast is clear and go to the back and pull out the clothes I’m going to wear. A black and maroon dress that fits me like a glove, Angela will be pissed when she finds out I used this dress.
But it’s the grisliest thing she owns; I take the matching lingerie and put on the black thong panty, black lacy bra and black back seemed stockings with the garter belt. Hell might as go the whole way right? I grab the few things of makeup that I have and try my best to do it how Jessica does hers. Finishing that I slip into the dress put on the black 3 inch stiletto heels and run a brush through my hair.
I sit on the bench in the handicap shower stall and take my phone out and select my favorite Guns and Roses song Knockin on Heavens Door. Fitting song for the end I think. Grabbing the razor blade and use my left hand to slice deep and hit the artery of my right arm, hopefully I have enough strength to do the left arm and finish the job. The blood smells metallic but soon I know all my pain will fade. Holding the razor the best I can in my slick fingers I’m able to slice the other wrist it doesn’t feel as deep but maybe it’s enough to work.
It’s nice to feel physical pain over the mental shit I’ve been dealing with for my whole life.
Sitting back I listen to the song as my blood pumps away it’s a very surreal feeling to just watch the blood pouring out of my arms. There’s a blackness that seems circle my vision it shouldn’t be too much longer and everything will be right with the world at least for me. I understand I’m selfish and that suicide is not the answer but what other choice did I really have?
Mom will be sad until she realizes that she has a perfect daughter in Angela and does not need the headache of me! Being a freak that I am would just hurt her more and I don’t want her hurting anymore. I want Jessica to understand why I had to do this, and I really hope the letter portrays my feelings the way that I need it to.
The blackness is closing in I can’t focus my eyes, and even the music sounds like it’s far away. It should be over soon, soon I will feel no more pain and maybe if there is a god or an afterlife I will finally get to be the girl I was supposed to be or it will just be over and there won’t be anything after this. I don’t know which one I hope for.
Just as I and everything else fades to black I hear voices from far, far away good I get to hear the song for one last second before everything is gone and the blackness envelops me.
Part 3.2
I’ve been watching my best friend Brian, for weeks now and something is really wrong. I wish the duffas would tell me what’s up but he won’t. Brian’s been my best friend since kindergarten.
We live right next door to each other even our bedrooms are on the same floor and side of the houses. When we were kids we tried to set up a phone line with string and two soup cans but we must have used the wrong string because it didn’t work very well.
Anyway we do everything together; we go to the mall and shop. He has one hell of a fashion sense for being a boy. We play video games because we both like the mmo’s we haven’t had much time to do that because I made the girls basketball team. Maybe that’s it he just misses me? No can’t be he would tell me that, it’s got to be something bigger.
Hell if it wasn’t for Brian I wouldn’t be half as good as I am on the court, basketball is a love we both share. I don’t know why he has never tried out for the boy’s team he would make it and they totally have no one that could guard him. The shit is way fast especially with a basketball dribbling down the court.
There’s still lots of time before our tests and stuff so it can’t be school, and I know he’s smaller than most guys our age at 16 but he doesn’t get teased, at least that he says or I see. Maybe that’s it?
I really wish he would tell me, because I miss my BFF!
Earth to Jessica, Amber one of my girlfriends and teammate says.
Huh? I say as I blush for zoning out on them.
What is the matter with you? Asks Jenny my other girlfriend, yes the three of us are a matched set, we are together together. Not that anyone knows, well Brian may suspect but he’s never said anything.
Worried about Brian, something’s wrong and he’s not talking and it’s bothering me big time! I say morosely.
We’ll deal with it after the game tonight, we need to win this one so keep your head on track and then we’ll help you with Brian. Says Amber with a smile on her face.
Thanks girls, I say, that means a lot to me that you guys want to help me with Brian.
Hey speak of the devil here he comes, says Jenny.
I turn so I can see him, yup still the same moody boy with the baggy clothes packing his backpack over one shoulder even though we have lockers I chuckle to myself. He’s got long blond hair that he wears in a loosely tied pony tail that he places under his shirt so people can’t tell how long it really is. But I know because I’ve seen it after school when he takes it out, and when we play ball he always puts it up in a high pony tail like I do.
He has these killer blue eyes, he’s not real tall maybe 5’6” and probably 110lbs but with his baggy clothes it’s hard to say. I’ve tried to get him to wear clothes that fit better but he won’t. Even his shorts and shirt when we play ball are loose.
I usually tell him I wish he was a girl and it’s sad that his looks were wasted on being a boy. He just shrugs and says “life is what it is”.
Brian gets to our table and sits next to me and says hi to Amber, Jenny and Samantha, (don’t call me Sam I’m a girl not a boy)! And the girls say hi back and continue their discussion on makeup and how we are going to beat the Devils tonight.
Hey Brian, are you doing ok? I say after he sits down.
Hey Jess, how are you are you ready for the game tonight? Asks Brian.
I notice this glint to his eyes, it looks excited like usual when we talk ball but there is a touch of sadness there that has never been there before. Are you sure your ok? I ask again, you look sad today.
Ya I’m fine just have something I’m try to figure out and I’m not ready to talk about it yet. He replies.
Ok, well you know you can tell me anything right? I will always be there for you, you are my best friend and all that ok. I say.
Thanks Jess, I know that. He smiles for the first time in months.
Well I need to go call my mom and make sure she’s coming to get me for the game, see you in class Jess. Says Brain as he walks to dump his tray.
God I wish I knew what the hell was going on! I mumble to myself as the bell rings and I make my way to class.
It’s math and I hate it but it’s one of Brian’s favorites so he always helps the three of us with our homework so we actually have really good grades in the class. We’ve been in class maybe 15 minutes and Brian still isn’t in class.
Where the hell is he? I ask myself; shit as much as I’ve talked to myself today I think I might be going a touch insane. I’ve got to go find Brian this is definitely not like him to miss class.
I tell the teacher I’m off for the bathroom and head down the halls looking for Brian. I stop at my locker to grab my gym bag so I don’t have to stop after class and I can just go to the bus so we can go to Central High.
As I open the door a white envelope falls to the floor, that’s odd it has my name on the front I notice as I stoop to pick it up. It’s also written in a girls hand writing, one I don’t recognize big swirly letters and very neat and pretty.
My dearest Jessica
Let me introduce myself, my name is Britney
Britney? I don’t know a Britney at all, this is confusing maybe I’ll figure it out by the end.
We know each other very well but we have never met, I will always love you forever and ever and I’m sorry it worked out this way.
Jess my whole life I have felt different than anyone I knew,
Well if she’s gay that’s not an issue, I mean really I’ve got two girlfriends, I could help her out no problem.
Jess I know what your thinking and yes I’m a lesbian but I’m also transgendered. Yes Jess it’s me! your friend formally known as Brian.
I’m so so sorry but by the time you read this I’ll be gone Jess I know it’s a chicken shit thing to do or especially tell you in a letter but it’s all I got I could never bare to see the horror in your eyes let alone not be my best friend anymore.
I know this is a shitty suicide note but I’ve never left one before hahaha, sorry probably not a good time for a joke.
P.S. I told my mom and Angela you never had clue either just in case you thought they would be upset.
P.S.S. please tell Angela I’m sorry I ruined her favorite dress, and WIN THE GAME! sweetie
Love always Britney
I must have been in some sort of a daze while reading the letter because I never felt the arms around me or the tears pouring from my eyes. Its Jenny I can tell by her perfume and I glance at Amber and she’s reading the letter.
Amber takes off for the coach’s office, I kind of shriek at her to bring the letter back but she just keeps going.
Jen asks, I read it over your shoulder, do you think he’s already done it? Can we find him before it’s too late?
I don’t know, my sobbed answer almost a whisper.
Where would she go? I have no idea, it would have to be somewhere she could change for sure. She would have to be alone and it’s not
been that long since we went to class so it would have to be somewhere close. The answer slams into me hard.
The locker room! I shout as I stand up and take off. Jen running after me.
Jenn
I start to call Amber so she knows where we are, she answers and I start to say locker room, but all I get out is lock………….. when I hear the scream from Jess and I get around the corner. The scene is out of someone’s nightmare. Blood everywhere I see Jess holding Brian as I watch the blood pour from the open cuts on his arms.
Shit Amber call 9-1-1 get them to locker room asap he’s bleeding bad get here with the coach as fast as you can. Jess is no good she’s just sobbing and repeating why, why, why.
I run to the closet and grab some towels and ran back to Jess and Brian, I take one of the towels and shove one into Jess’s blood soaked hand.
Hold it on the cut as hard as you can the ambulance is on its way.
Amber and Coach Larsen show up, shortly after we got the towels on his arms. They come over coach is on the phone, with who I can’t tell.
When the EMT’s show up they kick us out of the way and begin to work on Brian. I grab Amber and together we engulf Jess in a huge hug.
Jess sobs I’ve got to call her mom, I don’t know if I can.
Coach Larsen comes over to us and says she will contact Brian’s mom. Jess screams over the noise in the room, her name is Britney not Brian the least we can do is honor that for one fucking day
Hi everyone sorry it's been awhile for this next chapter, I just want to apologize. I don't like the holidays much and I get down on myself a lot because when I came out to my family they dropped me like a hot plate. it's been four years since I've spoken to them and I unfortunately took this all out on Britney. I hope that you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it and just know that I love my creations and don't intentionally want to see them not in future stories or chapters.
Thanks,
Michelle
As always please leave comments and or thumbs :)
TTR 3.3
The next thing I know I’m standing in an open space surrounded by thunderstorm clouds. I can hear the thunder rumbling but it’s not laud just like background noise, there is lightning arcing across what I guess is the sky, it’s not raining.
All of a sudden there is a big burst of lightning and the thunder rumbles so loud I fall down on the ground. When I look up I see the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen standing in front of me. She’s my height and has the same long blond hair, red luscious lips but she has these giant ravens’ black wings and her eyes match the black of her wings she’s wearing a dark purple robe like the grim reapers. And she looks somewhat familiar maybe a twin to my sister if she had a twin.
“Well get up silly! There’s no reason to be on the ground I won’t hurt you”!
“Where am I”? “Am I dead or is this a dream”?
“Of course your dead that’s what you wanted right”? “This is purgatory, I run the joint. Thank you very much”!!!
“Who are you”? “The grim reaper or something”?
“NO, ha ha ha….. silly he can’t talk and he wears black robes plus he like to chop off heads” she said smiling.
She bends down and grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet. “I’m you, well the you, you could have been if you’d pulled on your big girl panties and just told mom, Angela and Jess who you really are”!
“I’m here to help you fix that if you make the choice to do it”!
“If your me or I’m you how come we look like you”? “Did we not go to heaven or is this hell”?
“I’m not allowed to tell you”!
“What”? “Why not”?
“It’s about me….or well you”.
“Always with the questions, and totally the wrong ones for the amount of time we have. Tell you what I will answer your questions only after you do something for me”.
Feeling nervous but extremely curious I know I have to hear her out. “Ok, what do you want”?
“I want to show you just how selfish you were and the saying that the loved ones of people who commit suicide will get over it is bullshit”!
A clear sort of TV looking screen appeared in front of us. I stood and watched as the scenes unfolded in front of my eyes. The TV started out playing through that day showing my suicide and everything that transpired after.
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Angle me?
“The effects of what you did changed the outlook of so many people’s lives! First let’s start with the people that didn’t know you all that well, but were there for the show so to speak”.
“Since you weren’t awake to know that Coach Larsen tried to help you before the EMT’s got there. She had big dreams of becoming a college head coach, she would have made it to”. “If she had been able to win the state championship two years in a row like she would have”. “The team was nothing without those three to guide and lead the others, Coach Larsen couldn’t do it on her own and so the program turned to dust”.
“Coach Larsen was dating the love of her life until the world turned upside down, she and her partner got into a huge fight about her drinking on the job and that night her partner was killed in a car wreck on the way home and Coach Larsen just crumbled and found solace in the bottom of her bottle, until she drank herself to death”.
“What you did caused the team to fall apart, Jessica fell to pieces and couldn’t even think about playing”. “Jenn and Amber were so shook up they couldn’t play either”.
Jessica turned to drugs and alcohol, to numb the pain, and she never made it through high school”! “She started sleeping around and hanging with some really bad people she was latter raped and murdered at a party”.
“Jenn and Amber broke up with her because of the partying and the things she was doing”. “They both were in therapy because of the whole mess, they broke up because without Jessica there they couldn’t function as a couple”. “Their relationship was based on the three of them, without the glue holding them all together they fell apart”.
“Both Amber and Jenn grew up to become cold heartless mean awful people and died alone at the great age of 55”!
“Your mom, well her and your sister fought like cats and dogs. The cops were called several times and then finally your sister just left and your mom she just wasted away, she blamed herself and your sister for what happened. “So she sat in her room staring at the walls, she never recovered”. “She completely lost touch with your sister and died alone on her bed, the neighbors called the cops because of the smell. No one had even bothered to check on her”.
“Angela well she became and is a very cold person, she’s got steps on ice queens she’s so cold I honestly think she’s to mean to die”. “She could never get over the fact that her little sister ripped out her heart and crushed it”. “She blamed herself the most for not seeing the signs or doing something about the ones she did see, your mom for not trying hard enough to get you to open up about things and you for not telling at least her about what was going on.
“And you or I guess us…. We don’t get to become this me and you get to stay as you are sitting in purgatory and dodging the grim reaper for all eternity”! “See you, me, we or us or… oh hell, for this part we’ll use me so it makes sense, as I am now when I died and came to take my place as the gate keeper I got the body that we should have been born as”. “So keep that in mind when I tell you what choices you have”.
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Britney
As I watched the scenes unfold I was overwhelmed, the pain and anguish that I had caused the people I loved more than anything had me realizing that I had been so wrong. Even without finding out what happened afterwards as catastrophic as that was I couldn’t believe the pain that they went through when they found me.
Here I thought things would be better for them all and instead I was a linchpin to the destruction of entire families, I’ve never met Jenn or Amber’s family but I knew without a doubt that what happened to their daughters would have been as devastating to them as what my own family went through.
I had tears running down my face I couldn’t believe what I’d done, and all I wanted to do was fix it! I couldn’t stand what I’d done to everyone, my selfish decision had done the complete opposite of what I wanted. It didn’t matter that Jess had found the note earlier than she was supposed to because that would have only delayed the inevitable.
My sweet sister had turned into someone who she right now would despise and never want to be like. My mom dying alone? So alone. No way was I going to allow this, if I could fix it or change anything to make their lives at least go in the direction they were supposed to then I. WAS. DOING. IT!
“Ok other me haha, what are my choices or what do I need to do”?
“There’s really only two choices right? Either you stay here right now and run from grim……….. or I send you back to that Friday and you tell them what is going on and let the world go on as it should have”. “You only have one shot at this so if you do this again well you can expect to see grim before you get a chance to run”.
“If I go back will you tell me that at least mom and Angela will accept me”?
“Nope.. I can’t and I won’t. In order for you to be the strong woman you grow up to be you need to learn trust in others and in yourself”!
“So I go back, tell them what’s up and when I die I come back here and become you”? “What the hell causes us to become whatever it is you are”?
“I suppose I should mention at least a little bit of that but I won’t explain any all of it! All right”?
“Ya ok I suppose that will do”.
“I am a fallen Angel, something that we do in life causes us to become this, and trust me you would do it again and again a million times over”. “I will not tell you what IT is”.
“Now you know, so what is your decision”?
“Yes I want to go back and fix this that was so awful of me”. “How much time do I have on Friday”?
“You will wake up as soon as you get back the rest is up to you, I do have to tell you that this will all seem like a very weird dream.
You will remember the important pieces but what happens in the future to everyone will be forgotten you can’t know something like that because you might try to use it to make decisions that otherwise may or might not happen and the results could be what you were trying to avoid”.
“Anyone ever tell you you’re kind of long winded”? I laughed
She smiled and snapped her fingers, the lightning flashed brilliantly and crackled the thunder rolled and pounded all around me. Then nothing but darkness.