My sister, Elle wouldn’t let me go with her to her college for a long weekend last year as she had with my sister Haley the year before. Last year she said it would never happen but it now looked like I might get a chance.

The holidays were rough for me at home, because I’m the only guy in our house. Dad divorced Mom when I was a kid. When we lost the farm and we moved to town. He had become a traveling salesman and one time he traveled away and never came back.

We have been limping along financially ever since. Mom's finally a registered nurse making a decent income but with my two sisters in college, I’ve already been told I’d have to wait until Elle is through at the university. Because as a counselor and therapist, she will need at least a master’s degree it would mean I would need to wait at least three years.

I heard the doorbell ring, but I was upstairs so I didn’t go to answer the door. I heard Mom say, “Hello, come on in. It is nice to see you again.” Shortly after that Mom called upstairs, “Steve come down and say hello to Brad, he’s home from college!”

Bradley Street hadn’t been home all summer and we hadn’t been close friends for two years. We used to be very close and did a lot together; even though he was three years older than me. He knew even after we weren’t so close, I had trouble saying no to doing things with him.

“Hey Steve, it’s good to see you,” he said as I descended the stairs. “I asked your Mom if I could take you to the Drive-in ten miles away at College Center.”

I barked, “If it’s a date you should have waited to ask me.”

Brad chuckled, “Well, it could be a date that would save me the price of a ticket though it would cost me the price of a nice meal. If I had a date, we would go with Jake and Kari. Jake said it is date night at the drive-in and the date gets in for free.”

“No way, if it was like their last date night the date had to wear a pink bracelet. I did not want to be a boy wearing a… pink bracelet.”

I didn’t know Elle had come down the stairs behind me. “Hey Mom, would it be alright if we helped dress little brother so he didn’t look like a boy on his date?”

“No way, you fucking b***h!” I knew I was in trouble as soon as I exploded, but even I wouldn’t have guessed what came next.

“Hold on right there Steven John Hammond! You just won yourself a punishment that fits the crime. That is if Brad will still take you?” My mother said. “Elle, why don’t you see if Haley wants to go shopping with you two?”

“Mr. Street, are you open to taking Stephanie to the drive-in tonight?” Brad waited to see if my mother was serious before saying 'yes.'

“There is no way I am going to do that Mom!” I said stomping my foot down.

“Elle take Stephanie with you upstairs to the shower and show her which hair care products she’s to use. Your brother’s long hair will finally be appropriate. Then make sure she knows which hair product to use on her legs and arms. Then make sure she washes her hands well.”

Elle took hold of my hand and when I resisted she whispered, “If I were you, I would come without any argument and hope mother changes her mind and is open to another punishment.” It was humbling to follow my sister up the stairs. But what she said made sense. I’m pretty sure when things cool down Mom will let me go as Steven.

Neither my mother nor sisters knew how close Brad and I had gotten, or how deep my feelings had run for Brad.

My mother says, “Brad, I know you have a good sense of humor so I hope this will be okay. Otherwise, he’s grounded and going nowhere.” She paused to see Brad laugh again and say it would be fine. Mom said, “Would you like to pick up your date around seven or seven-thirty?”

He said, “Well actually if we're going with Jake and Kari; we will be going out to get to eat at someplace nice. If it would be possible, I should pick him up by 5:00 p.m.”

Mom said, “Please, remember for tonight, it’s Stephanie and ‘she’. I don’t want her embarrassed and made fun of. But if she doesn’t go, he will be grounded through the holidays plus a week. We’ll even go the extra mile on our side to make her look presentable.”

Brad said, “I will appreciate that since I wouldn’t want to embarrass Jake and Kari.” Mom later told Elle, he left with a big smile on his face, thinking it would be fun.

Mom is soon upstairs checking on me. I’m in the shower and I had finished shampooing my hair. “Make sure you use your sisters’ shampoo and use the conditioner twice.” She pauses, waiting for me to confirm I would. Then she asks, “Have you taken care of your legs and arms yet?” She waits again, guessing the answer.

“No Mother, I don’t want to. Please don’t make me do that,” my voice raised as I said it.

“If we’re going to argue you know who will win.” She paused again, “I want you to call me or your sister when you’re finished to make sure everything is satisfactory, do you hear me?”

I pause before I resign to answer, “Yes, Mother I understand.”

I knew my mother went and talked to my sisters but I couldn’t hear what they were talking about

Mother said, “Elle and Haley, I don’t want you to be too rough on your brother, but we are going through with this.”

“I want you to find some clothes for Stephanie to go shopping in, I’ll have some money for you to take her shopping. I hope it is enough to purchase an outfit that allows her to look like an attractive young woman. She’ll need some nice shoes. Brad is taking her out to eat with his friends Jess and Kari. You will need to go the extra mile to make Stephanie look like a real girl.” She said to Elle, "Once you told me, he would have made a prettier girl. Now I want you to prove it.”

“Mom, we’ve got two outfits for her to choose from,” Haley says. “He’s going to need to wear a pair of my panties and a bra if she’s to look convincing even for shopping for clothes.”

Elle says, “Mom, I think I should call his girlfriend Staci, and tell her what’s going on. If she learns it from someone else and she would; it would be bad news for Steven.”

Haley perks up, “Elle, I think she will see it as being cute. She’s already said with his hair he already looks the part sometimes when she’s seen him from the back or side. She’s said before the next ‘crossover day’ she’s going to pout until he gives in to his dressing the part.”

Mom left the room, “Let me go downstairs before you call. I approve but I don’t want him to see me as being any part of that. We will also allow the outfit to be used again if Staci wants.”

Elle called Staci, “Staci, I wanted to call you; Steve exploded today with his mouth and got him in trouble. Yes, he’s going to be grounded for a while if he doesn’t cooperate with our Mom’s punishment for him.”

I didn’t know who she was talking to on the phone when I called from the bathroom and asked her to check my underarms and legs.

Elle only told me, “You need to do a better job. Use the hair removal cream on your legs this time. I heard you raise your voice to Mom again. You are so close to getting in more trouble. I recommend you go around the rest of the day like you’re walking on eggshells and not talk back.”

She handed me her robe that I’m to wear until after I am dry. “Don’t dry your hair completely; we’ll need to do something to it so you’re not recognizable.”

Elle stopped back at the bathroom after she was off the phone. “Stephanie, I know you’ve gotten into my clothes in the past. I haven’t ever told anyone; so please don’t give me a hard time. I won’t say anything unless you make it difficult. Do we understand each other?”

“I can explain; I am not whatever you’re thinking,” I remarked.

She says, “I don’t want to hear anything or get into a discussion about it. I just want to know if you understand me and will cooperate.”

My room was closed as Elle called me into her room where she and Haley were waiting. Haley took me by my hand over to Elle’s bed, saying, “We have two outfits for you to choose from, along with a pair of Elle’s shoes.”

I looked and the shoes have a two-inch heel. “I can’t wear them I'm not used to heels.” I saw Elle’s eyebrow rise.

Haley said, “You are more likely to remember to walk with shorter steps like a girl if you’re wearing heels. And those barely qualify as heels.”

I looked at both outfits and both were very nice if you’re a girl. One was too girly; I suspect they knew that. They kind of picked out what I was to wear. When I saw the light green bra I wanted to scream but thought the better of it. Haley spoke up, “It looks like the little sister has resigned herself to what is going to happen.”

I said, “I was just cooperating in the hope this stops before I have to go to the drive-in tonight, or else I’m staying home.”

Haley left the room and Elle turned her back telling me to put on the panties. Haley’s bra was something else and I appreciated Elle’s help with the hooks. “You know there is an easier way don’t you?” My sister used two matching pairs of footies in each bra cup to give my chest the desired look. The blouse was white linen with flowers on it. I noticed the green bra showed through noticeably. “Yes, it shows, and no you are not changing, live with it.”

“Haley, you can come back in and help us now.” Haley had a package of pantyhose so I protested. “You two don’t always wear stockings, why should I have to?”

“You haven’t tanned your legs properly,” Haley commented. “Those white sticks you call legs to shout ‘boy’ out loud.” Haley showed me how to roll the stocking portion and guide them up my legs. I had worn pantyhose before but with my smooth legs and no hair, it feels very different. Both sisters caught me smiling as I put them on. The skirt was a glimmering gold and gave little here and there as it snuggled my body. The short skirt along with the heels would remind me to take smaller steps. Without either sister telling me, I took a few steps and turned around to see how it felt.

“Come over here young lady and sit down; I’ll do your hair and our sister will do your makeup,” Elle said.

Haley told me, “Watch how I do your makeup, you need to know in case you need to repair it on your own. Remember if you need to go to the girls’ room, a girl usually checks her hair and freshens her lips and makeup, when she’s done.”

I was surprised how easily Haley covered up my blemishes with a dab of concealer. She didn’t use much of a foundation but it did the job of evening out the tone of my skin. She did one part of my eyes and then outlined my lips to give my eye makeup time to dry. The blush made it look like I had higher cheekbones and a not-so-round face. She said, "You don’t need much mascara and your complexion is very good. You know your eyelashes should have been on a girl."

I said, “Don’t make it sound like I’m a girl because I’m not.”

“Don’t get defensive, we didn’t say you are.”

Elle had to tease me, “I don’t know, I think Steph’s a pretty girl in her own right. Mom will be proud of her youngest daughter.”

“I’m not a girl, stop saying that.”

Elle told me to calm down, “Calm down or you will wreck your makeup by causing lines.”

Elle was already done with my hair as I had been concentrating on Haley doing my makeup. My hair looked gorgeous and made me look way too much like a girl. I said, “Where did those bangs come from? And you shaped my hair. What am I to do when Mom says I don’t need to go?”

Elle said, “After your date with your boyfriend your bangs can be cut and your hair can be restyled for Stephanie.” I look in the mirror again, only half hoping she is right. Some other feelings were becoming present. Right now, I enjoy seeing a pretty girl who had little resemblance to me. She definitely could have been one of my mom’s daughters. Elle spoke up saying, “As far as anyone else is concerned you’re a cousin on mom’s side of the family.”

“If Crystal had a younger sister, Steph could be that sister,” Haley chimed in saying. She hands me a purse with a shoulder strap. “Boys carrying a purse tend to look like they’re carrying a loaf of bread like a football. You're to let it hang at your side.”

They take me downstairs to show me to our mother. Mom thinks I look cute. I'm hoping that would be enough, but it isn’t.

Elle asks me to speak with a girl’s voice. “Not so high or forced; please speak softer and casually move your hands.” She has me introduce myself as Steph, as well as to respond as if I like a skirt or dress as well as ‘thank you’. They got me to the voice they liked and excused us from Mom saying, “We were on our way to a mall.” I protested again both Mom and Elle warned me to stop.

The mall we were going to was far enough away yet not far. There was a shopping center in between and two malls closer in other directions. They convinced me we were safe from being seen. I protest, “There aren't far enough away to suit me.”

Elle and Haley talk to me all the way there so I would continue to use the same feminine voice. When we got there Haley told me, “Don’t speak unless you have to.”

We looked at several women’s stores before heading to JC Penney’s. I then heard a familiar voice, “Elle and Haley wait up; I thought that was you.” It’s my girlfriend Staci and I’m cringing as I continue to look away toward Penney’s. I felt a hand on my arm. “You might as well turn around; I heard you got yourself in trouble with your Mom.”

I closed my eyes as I turned around like it would protect me somehow. “Wow, don’t you look especially nice for shopping? What are you looking for; I would be pleased to help.” Finally, I open my eyes to face the music of losing my girlfriend or being laughed at. “You know I’d be more upset if and when I learned about it from others. We’d have been through a lot. You are lucky Elle called me.”

“Yes, I’d like to put my hands around her pretty neck and thank the life out of her.” I looked at Elle wishing my stare would do the job. My sister always seemed to have the edge as she stared back with a smile and raised an eyebrow.

“She also knows you have to go out with your former boyfriend,” Elle simply states. I looked at Staci.

Staci says, “If you kiss him or do anything more than hold his hand; I don’t want to hear about it. Come crossover day at school you will cooperate with me. Times like today, better not be more than this once.” Staci paused and stood there, “Unless I’m the mastermind, do you understand?”

“Yes and I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to and I don’t want to do this. You have to believe me.”

Staci said, “Don’t pout, you don’t want to ruin your makeup. You know you make a pretty convincing girl. Your voice even suits you.” Elle and Haley talk with Staci and we’re soon in Penney’s looking at dresses. “Are we going to get her measured or are we going to just go by what she’s already wearing?”

Elle said, “The skirt and blouse are from when I got chunky; she appears to be a size eight. Not bad for a boy in the eleventh grade.”

I bet with the right exercise and a good diet she could soon be down to a size six,” Haley teased.

I struggled to keep my voice, “Quit that I’m not…” A girl walked over to look at the clothes where we were.

Staci looked at some dresses, pulling several out and holding them in front of me. “Tell me which one you would like?”

“They look pretty enough for you or my sisters,” I told her. Elle took hold of me and pulled me to a mirror. Staci put a dress back up in front of me, “Now, one more time I’ll ask, does the pretty girl in the mirror, like this dress?”

“It’s pretty,” I answered.

“Does that mean you think this one suits you more? I agree though the other one goes with your makeup better. I thought you might have expensive tastes.”

“The second dress is, in fact, my favorite of any I had seen. But I would sacrifice the look for a little more length,” I said

Elle walked me over to the changing rooms, “Please go in and try it on, and don’t make any fuss about it. If you have any trouble I’m willing to help.” I was torn between being angry and wanting to cry as I went into a woman’s changing room.

I wasn’t sure if I was to put the dress on over my head or to try stepping into it. I decided to place it on over my head. I had to start my hands and arms while the top of the dress was coming over my face. The dress felt wonderful as it slipped over me. Now, I’m getting angry with myself for the beautiful feelings I was having.

I had the dress on and zipped up inches from the top but couldn’t get it further or hooked. “Sis, I need your help.”

I heard Elle reply, “Crystal’s not here only your cousins, so I’m coming in to help.” She opened the door just enough to get through it. With no trouble, my dress was zipped and hooked. “Stephanie, my friend Janice is here so remember you’re our cousin.”

Elle combed my hair into place before I stepped out of the changing room. I received some ous and ahs as I went over to the mirror. I turned around and waited for the others to speak. Staci said, “So do you like how pretty the dress is on you?”

“I can’t believe it looks so good.” I smoothed down the skirt of the dress and fixed a bra strap that showed just a little.

Janice spoke up, “It looks very pretty on you. How long are you staying, before you go back to Denver?”

Haley spoke up, “She just got here Thursday night, don’t rush her.”

“I’m going back as early as Monday,” I said.

Staci said, “That’s good maybe we can do something together tomorrow night since Steven is gone.” Hearing Steven was gone Stephanie raised her eyebrows.

We were home and not even sitting down when Elle asked, “Mom, when is Cousin Stephanie going home to Denver and Steven coming back?”

Mom saw Elle’s good friend, Janice, “Her Mom had called and said it would probably be next weekend at the earliest.” I could hear Staci behind me, saying, “Yes!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourselves; she needs to focus on getting ready to go out tonight.”

Staci pushed my new dress in front of me to show my Mom. “Yes that is very pretty and it should be very nice for their dinner out.” Mom looked to Staci, “Do you think it will be okay for Steph to wear it and go out on a date tonight?”

Staci said with a relatively calm voice, “O yes. She will look stunning; I just pity the other girl. I heard she and this Brad person were close before. I’m just glad Stephanie will be around longer. So we can become friends and play a little dress-up. Maybe I could show her around the area.

Elle nudges me, “Let’s get upstairs, you need another shower, a change to make sure you are ready to go out.” Mom and others complimented how well I walked upstairs. Mom gave Haley a small box of things I was to put on after my shower.

To be continued…

I was out of the shower and I was to pat dry. Elle told me that’s how girls dry themselves. I was to wrap the towel around me in girl's style. Elle suggests, “Use my robe again, I need to help you with somethings before you get dressed.”

I"m praying she ready to tell me I didn’t have to continue to dress as Stephanie or go on the date.

We were back in her room when she showed me breast forms in a box. I was very upset and protested. Elle said, “I think, Mom is going the extra mile to make sure no one discovers the boy going out tonight. This will help you to look a lot better in your dress.” She pushes me down on her bed and has me lay back so she could put the breast forms in place securely and correctly. She threw a towel over my lap.

“You should be excited to be going out on a date with Brad tonight? I hear it is to Mario’s and then the drive-in.” Haley chimed in, “Plus you got to buy a pretty dress.”

Elle told me, “Please hold your breasts in place and be careful not to move them. It would be bad to see one stuck under your armpit.” Haley giggles, and while I thought the image was funny, I wasn’t laughing. Holding them in place, they warmed up and felt like another member of my body. It is the first time I held a breast cupped in my hand. It isn't supposed to be mine. I think it is one of those oxymoron things.

When it came the time that I could sit up, my sisters a have the satin bra ready to cup my breasts snugly. “We don’t want you infatuated with your own breasts.” ‘I’m thinking, too late.’

Janice enters the room shortly thereafter, “What’s the problem with your cousin doesn’t she know how to dress?”

“She has been pretty much a tomboy and isn’t used to getting dressed up. This will be her first date with a boy so it is an extra big deal.” Staci brought out 3” heels.

“I thought I was only wearing two-inch heels?” I knew someone would come up with a reason to change that.

“You can switch to lower heels or flats for the drive-in if you must. You should wear a nice pair of heels to Mario’s. These are an old yet very pretty pair of mine. I’m hoping they will fit you.”

“Don’t you think they are very pretty with your dress,” Staci asks?

As my feet slipped into the heels and I noticed the difference in height, I smiled as I looked into the mirror to see my feet and legs, and my smile grew. Janice commented, “It looks like you made this girl very happy today.”

I ask, “Why did you wait for me to put on the dress?”

“So you would enjoy how beautiful your legs are while you could see them with the dress on,” Elle says.

I insist Staci and Janice leave the room before I take off my robe. I raise my arms so the dress can be placed over my head. It feels wonderful sliding down my arms and body. Something tells me, ‘Don’t let others know how much you enjoy this feeling.’ My head is out and I can feel the skirt gliding down. I know I don’t have hips like Elle or my younger sister, but I swear I can feel the waist of the dress resting on top of them.

Elle asks, “Now reach back and see if you can zip it up and hook the top.” I did and I was surprised. It took some effort to move my arm and to coordinate my hands in grasping the zipper. But I was able to do both.

“Why is that so important,” I ask?

Elle says, “Sis, you don't ever want to be at the mercy of a boy to help you do that. There might not always be another woman around. Each time you can gain a little confidence in what you can do, that is good.”

“Thank you,” I said. I was hoping Janice did not hear or think it strange that Elle called me Sis. Somehow, down inside it felt good, though again I thought the feelings were wrong. Looking into the mirror and seeing I had cleavage. While it is normal for a teenage girl it shocked me. I was looking very pretty for a girl.

I sat down in front of Elle’s vanity as I’m told to begin my makeup, as Elle took to doing my hair. Staci’s back and guiding me with my makeup even more than Haley. I could see Staci’s style on my face, while it was different, it suited me. I had a pleasant smile on my face thinking we were working together. I had wanted to learn to do makeup, but always thought it would be her face we were working on. Staci winks at me; we have a tendency to know what the other is thinking, so her wink and smile spooked me.

It is 4:45 when the makeup and hair are done and the jewelry’s going on. The dangling clip-on earrings look nice, but they hurt. When I stood, I spin around once in place. Janice said, “I thought you said she isn't used to this?”

I cover my actions saying, “I had always dreamed of doing that. I couldn’t help but try.”

Elle said, “We will need to talk about that another time.” Staci hands me my purse open and I check it as best I know. There were things I didn’t want to mention since they were for a real girl.

Elle reminds me, “The makeup you used for tonight is still on the vanity. You should make sure it is in your purse.” I ask about the compact and the little case with the eye makeup. “Very good Steph, you don’t need two of those and the smaller compact is better for your purse as it has a mirror.”

Janice is sent down first to tell Mom that I am ready and to see if Brad is here. I just heard a car pull up to the front of the house. I so want to back out. I’m afraid of my being with Brad. I’m comfortable that he won't get abusive or try to embarrass me. We were the best of friends since we were little. Our past friendship was closer than anyone knew. I was six when I first kissed Brad saying boys were closer than a girl with a boy. Brad said I was not to kiss him first-ever again and especially around others. I was nine or ten when he brought the panty of a cousin. That started me feeling more like a girl around him. I was eleven and Brad was fourteen when our close friendship became more involved. It is a secret I have kept well-hidden; I had hoped it might have been in my past.

Mom wants me downstairs so she'll be able to enjoy seeing me before I left. I slowly walk down the stairs and my mother enjoys seeing me as a girl, I could tell. “You look very nice Honey.” She gave me a handkerchief for my purse. I thank her and give her a little hug like my sisters always did.

Brad knocks and waits till the door is opened. I am glad he looked around before he said anything. “So is this Stephanie,” he guessed? I let Elle introduce everyone. Brad seems to know Staci is more than a friend but he does not ask. I felt like a lamb going out with a wolf, but then again I did not pull back.

We were walking down the sidewalk when Brad gave me a small kiss on the cheek as he said, “You look great. I like your perfume as well.” When he opened the door to the backseat I took a breath and remembered to slow down and sit first. I sweep the skirt underneath me and kept my legs together as I sit and turned to bring them into the car. Kari turned around and comments, “You look very beautiful tonight. I appreciate you dressing up to go out to eat. I do like dressing up. I am Kari and this is Jake.”

I gently say, “My name is Stephanie; I am a cousin to Elle and Haley.”

Kari said, “But you already know Brad and are comfortable going to the drive-in with him?” I sensed that Brad mentioned he already knew me. Instead of moving over, I let Brad go around the car and let him move to me if he decides to. We’re on our way and I wanted the conversation to change. Kari and Jake go to the same university as Brad. Jake is a junior and Kari is a sophomore.

Jake said, “Brad was going to bring a friend named Steven, but then he saw you. I guess when he saw you he changed his mind. A penny for your thoughts,” Jake said?

I said, “Nothing goes for a penny anymore plus I’m not ready to share quite yet.”

Jake is the one who made the reservations to Mario’s. We have a nice table with no waiting. One waitress takes our drink orders. Kari suggests, “Stephanie, let’s go and freshen up.” I slowly stood up and followed Kari. I was nervous about our need to go to the bathroom. I wanted to wait until we were ready to eat. I only wanted to go to the women’s room once tonight. I rather not need to go to the restroom at the drive-in. I wash my hands, check my hair and makeup going slow enough not to rush Kari.

I couldn’t help but check out her makeup, outfit, and hair. She’s truly a beautiful woman and way more mature than me. We got into small talk and she asks me if I’d considered going to Brad’s university. “If I went there it would have to be for me. I would need to know better what it offered.”

Kari says, “I don’t have any little sisters; I’d be happy to host you for a weekend and show you around as a girl. It would not be the same as Brad would. You’d be free to see him but not depending on him.”

I thanked her, “That is very nice of you. Tonight, I would just like to get to know you as well as be with Brad.”

Kari asks, “If we get a little involved at the drive-in will you and Brad be okay with that? I had sensed Brad knows you enough to be close.”

“You and Jake hopefully won’t be worrying about us,” I told her.

We were back to the table, an appetizer had been ordered and was there with the drinks. Kari encourages me to order a lobster tail like her, saying it should be small enough to manage. I had only had it once and not at a fancy restaurant. Brad monopolizes, the talk about what he had done this past semester as well as on his summer internship and how his studies were going. I insinuate he’s neglectful as well as self-centered.

The touch of his hand on mine felt nice. I began to wish Mario’s would last the night as I was safe there but it didn’t. We were to the drive-in, the College Center Star-Lite Drive-in near Easton with time to settle in. It was nice that Jake drove a good size Lincoln. Jake looks back as if to ask if we will be okay. I hear Kari say, “We girls have already talked and she’s comfortable.” With a smaller voice, she said, “I’m not quite sure she’s ready for Brad but that’s their problem.”

Brad took his time before he finally nibbled on my ear. Then he whispered, “I’m glad to hear you’re comfortable. I plan to take it slow and we’ll see how the night goes.” I tried to watch the movie and talk a little. I’m impressed that Brad has grown and is not quite the person I knew. He has matured and now, I begin to like him better.

His first caressing kiss and his touch of my waist remind me I am still attracted to him. We do go slowly and it is mostly kissing and his hands gliding over me as the first movie ends. I reach the back of my dress, to re-hook it. I noticed it had become a little loose.

We step out of the car and Kari suggests we stretch our legs. “It will be easier if we take off our pantyhose before they get back to the car.” She smiles at me, “Are you willing?”

I say, “I’m not wanting to but I’ll probably have trouble saying ‘No’.” She opens my door suggesting I get in and get ready. She is up in the front seat and her pantyhose and panties are soon off. I saw the yellow satin panties go to the driver’s side. I feel vulnerable as my pantyhose come off.

I tried to please Brad and I thought I had. I knew he was happy with how I treated him. Now he's gently pushing for more as I fight my emotions. Brad knew he moved me earlier and that I’d be willing if he pushed for it. We had been intimate before but he had never gone inside of me. I didn’t know what it would feel like. And I didn’t expect to like it as I did. It wasn't cheap sex nor was it with the love of my life. Yet he was my first and that made it special.

Brad, I sense is bisexual and now I’m not sure about me. He pushes himself into me and I know tonight I’m a woman, his woman. I can feel him inside and something is causing sensations that I had never had before. It’s kind of like… I’d prefer to be fully a woman. I don’t understand how I know that but I’m pretty sure, this isn't it. Brad took his time like he was going out of his way to please me. I sensed when he was creaming me by the heat and warmth of him inside of me. I did not expect the explosion of my feelings. My senses going off my measuring scales as they were.

Jake and Kari had been very content in being vocal in enjoying their passion. I guess Kari is amused with my joy. We’re all glad there were no cars next to us.

Somehow I did not sweat but as Kari says, I’m a glow and very warm in the face. I didn’t worry about the pantyhose but I did get my panties back on and made sure my dress was back right. After the drive-in, we stop for a drink and some small talk. I hurried to a stall in the women’s bathroom to slip on my pantyhose before we return home. My drink is a small glass of wine. I’m surprised they served me. Brad whispered, “It is nice you don’t look your age.”

I didn’t worry about the time when I got home as I was happy my mother would not be awake. Elle’s at the top of the stairs and I tell her I’m glad mother is not awake. She laughs, “Believe, what you want. Did you have a good time?”

Elle wasn’t insinuating anything; she didn’t have to. “You know don’t you?” I don’t know why I asked that.

Elle says, “Don’t say anything right now unless you’ve been hurt. Go take a shower and get ready for bed. If you want, Steph’s welcome to be with me or you can sleep on your own.” I went and did as she said. I used a shower cap so I didn’t need to worry about wet hair. She had placed a nightgown on my bed; my pajamas were there too. I knew the choice was mine.

I put on the nightgown with a panty and made my way to Elle not sure about where I’d sleep. Elle had been working on her computer but shut it off to give me her full attention. I was never so pleased to have her as my sister. She sat up against her headboard. I nuzzled in under her arm. I had seen Haley with her before and I was happy it was my turn.

“Were you Stephanie tonight?” She knew how I was dressed, the question was not about that.

“Did you think I would be?”

“I only knew it was to be your decision if it were a good night and it seemed to be so. But that didn’t mean you would be Steph.”

“I don’t understand it, Elle. Will mother know? What am I to tell her?” I didn’t dare look Elle in the eyes but it was calm to be with her.

“It is okay that you don’t. Hopefully, you know I can’t tell you all you would like. I know Mother is proud and loved you tonight. I think she wondered about what we helped you do. I’m sure she hoped it would be a simple date as she intended. What she knows or thinks you’ll find out from her. What you tell her, will be up to you. …It is better you don’t tell her something than to lie about it to her.”

“Elle, I didn’t even think I like Brad anymore. It’s just we’ve always been close. First, we were just two close friends growing up.” I knew I was close to saying more than she wanted to hear.

“You don’t need to tell me unless you want to. All I want to know is did you enjoy the night?”

I wasn’t sure what to say, I only manage a sound, “Mm-hmm.” I wanted to cry but there was only water in my eyes, I didn’t cry. My head was now in her lap and she was stroking my hair.

“Do you love Staci,” she asks?

“Yes, but I’m not sure if she’ll love me anymore.”

Elle’s pretty sure, “She still loves you and she will always be one of your best friends. You will need to take it a day at a time. She wants to meet Stephanie. She might be wondering if she loves Steph or even needs to.” We didn’t talk forever, nor do I remember much. She left a half-hour after I did.

I woke in Elle’s bed, though she was already awake and up. Mother came to get me up, saying it's now 9:00 a.m. She sat on the bed next to me. “You looked very beautiful last night when you went on your date. I hope you are not angry with me for pushing you out. Somehow I thought you needed to get through last night and I felt there was no way around it.”

I’m not sure what she meant and neither of us went there. “I think Staci is hoping to see you today, so you might want to find another dress or outfit to wear.”

“You made it hard on Stephanie not to stay around.” I stared at her.

Mother says, “She can leave any time you want her gone; I just made it possible for her to stay awhile. If need be, I’ll take responsibility for her to be out of here. If that is what needs to happen.” She was seeking to be supportive. “Staci cares about you a lot and I’m sure, like your sisters, she’ll go the extra mile for you.”

Mother tries not to but she looked at my figure, especially my breasts. “I understand you’re interested as a mom to see and make sure I’m alright. Last night brought new feelings.”

“I am glad you understand that I care and that I’m here for you.” My mother is different than I expected. “If I could brush out your hair sometime I would like that.” She smiles, “So how did it feel to be kissed by Bradley? It might not have been the first time, but last night it was Steph on a date with him.”

“I’m not in love with him and it might be our first and last date. But, yes it felt nice. It is not him who concerns me as much as being Stephanie, and liking it,” I told her.

“I hope Elle told you for me; to take one day at a time.”

I joked, “How many days do I have?”

I look up and Staci has come to Elle’s door and is automatically turning around. “Staci, please don’t leave.”

Mother hands me Elle’s robe. “Put this on and get up then.”

Staci has a pleasant smile, and as soon as my mother was out of sight she gave me a kiss. Our lips meeting is very nice but feels different. Staci’s happy, “I love you very much; I hope that didn’t change last night for you. This is the first time I kissed a boy with traces of lipstick.”

As we went down the hall to the stairs; Haley comes out of the bathroom. “It looks like he got you more than once.” I turned my head and glared at Haley. She looks to Staci and knew what I was thinking. Haley knew she spoke without thinking.

Staci asks my Mom, “Can I take Steph out shopping?” I knew my mother had spent more yesterday than she anticipated. So I anticipate the answer to be ‘No’ and yet I didn’t want to disappoint Staci.

“Mother is it okay if I spend some of my savings?” My mother tells me, “Yes but you are to spend wisely. You can use up to $50 of your money. But you don’t need to spend even twenty-five dollars if you don’t have to, except for Staci.”

Staci has gotten out the yogurt and a spoon for me, “Go for it girl, eat up and then get dressed.”

I quickly change and come down thinking I was ready. Staci sent me back up, “I’m not taking a boy dressed poorly as a girl. Steph, a girl can’t throw on clothes like a boy and expect she’ll pass. When you dress as a girl you need to be smart about what works with your body. You looked very pretty and all girly yesterday.”

My mother says, “She will need to get dressed again on her own or with her sisters or my help. However, you might go up with her and help select what would work for her, if you’re willing.”

Staci patted my buns, saying, “Get up there and show me what we have to select from.”

She had selected several things for me to choose from. After I selected a cami, a blouse to go over it, and a skirt she remarked. “See that, you have a good sense of fashion if you think about it. The same is true for Steven, but he usually doesn’t make the effort. It is easier for a girl to look good as we have more options and colors to select from. What you picked out is going to be very flattering.”

Staci waits for me to get dressed before she came back into my room and helps me to do my makeup and hair. This time, she is the one after me to learn to brush out my own hair. She helped with much of it, as I learn more. She tweezes a few more hairs out of my eyebrows.

We go over to Staci’s house as she wants to change into something better to go along with what I chose to wear. “Don’t say anything to my folks until they do. Then just say hello.”

Mrs. Miller quickly greeted me, “Hello, are you and Staci going shopping? You can call me Pam or Mrs. Miller if you like.” She stood there quietly hoping I would introduce myself.

I finally said, “Hi Mrs. Miller, I’m Stephanie, Elle and Haley’s, cousin. Yes, we’re going to go shopping. She just decided to change what she was wearing.”

Mrs. Miller starts to speak, “I thought she was going to go shopping with her boyfriend Steven…” I could see it dawn on her who I was. Mr. Miller came in from outside and she said, “Dear this is a new friend of Staci’s her name is Stephanie.” Mr. Miller looked up said hello and went on wherever he was going.

“Did my daughter teach you how to use makeup? I can see a little of her style. You make a very pretty girl. Though I’ll be truthful, it seems more than a little strange to me, no offense.”

Staci came out to the kitchen, “I see you met her Mom, what you think? Stephanie’s aunt says she would be here a whole week before she goes back and Steven comes home?”

“I think Steven is already getting an eye opener where he is.” Her Mom surprises us, “Is it okay if I take you two out shopping?

Initially, it’s awkward going shopping with Staci and her mother, but as Staci hints, “It might be cheaper this way as Mom tends to buy some of what we choose to get. She’s even understanding of us both sitting in the back seats. Though she said, We are to behave like two girls shopping instead of being with a date.”

“So Stephanie, what caused you to decide to dress like a girl? You must have had your mother’s permission and your sisters help to look natural and pretty as a girl.”

Staci spoke first, “Mama, it was just that there is a changeover day or two at school each year. I got Stephanie to promise to dress like a girl. He bet me that he wouldn’t look like a girl.”

Mrs. Miller said, “I can see that you lost the bet, Stephanie. You seem to be taking it very well. Why is it that you might be staying around for a week as Stephanie?”

“Mrs. Miller, I’m actually being punished because I got way out of line in talking back to one of my sisters and my mother thought this would be a fitting punishment.”

We were at the mall and Mrs. Miller was lightly giggling as we walked into the Von Maur store. It is an upper-scale department store for our area. Mrs. Miller took us over to the women’s sections and to some expensive women’s panties. “I would be amused to see what you thought of some delicate undies? Maybe you would like a good panty and bra set or maybe a satin camisole?”

Staci is ready to speak up for me, but Mrs. Miller cut her off. “Relax, it’s not like I’m going to buy her a whole outfit. But it is like we have a chance to dress up a Ken doll in Barbie’s clothing. Having a nice panty and bra for the week could be a nice experience for Steph. You know I could easily be very upset, but I thought this would be nice for her.”

Mrs. Miller is good to her word, buying me a peach satin panty and bra set. Though before buying it’ she insists I try on a satin lacy pastel yellow camisole.

We stopped for tea and a Danish, and Mrs. Miller invites me over to dinner Wednesday night. It will be to eat with her and her two daughters. “Mr. Miller is to be out of town that evening.”

Staci and I are allowed to shop for over an hour on our own. Staci and I find and tried on a number of outfits. Staci picked out a pair of designer jeans and a beautiful skirt and blouse combination. But she waits to buy them hoping her mom would buy it all or pay at least for a good portion of what she wants.

Staci found me a very pretty mini-dress that I had trouble changing into. I was glad her mother wasn’t around as Staci needs to help zip up the back, it was very snug. The zipper was a little difficult for me to reach, but the way the dress would look should be worth the added effort.

Staci picked out a dress for me, and while I thought it was way too short for me, I knew it was not short as a mini-dress might be. Staci suggests I buy the dress, but she has me wait until her mother is back.

We were waiting for Staci’s Mother as Staci pulls me into Claire’s to look at earrings. While we were looking Pam Miller caught up to us. “You know Stephanie, you should have your own birthday, something similar to Stephen’s but so you’re two months younger. How about we get you a couple of pairs of earrings to celebrate?”

I give in and say, “Yes.” I went to choose from the clip-on earrings, but Staci steers me over. “Mom meant these and you agreed, so pick some and sit on the chair and I’ll get someone to help us. Hope the saleswoman, a cute college girl asks, “One, two, or more?”

I said, “Just the two please.” Expecting one on each side. She understood it differently and I soon had a cute pair of studs and small hoops. I'm told to wear them until the opening heals.

Gloria a college student shopping in the mall, introduces herself and asks, “Please don’t be offended, but I was wondering if you could help me with a project at the university?

To be continued…

Staci’s Mom says, “You know Stephanie, you should have your own birthday, something similar to Steven’s but like you’re two months younger. How about we get a couple of pairs of earrings to celebrate Steph's birthday?”

I give in finally saying, “Yes.” I went to look at the clip-on earrings. Staci steers me over to the regular earrings most girls our age wear. “My mom meant these and you agreed to get earrings; so sit up on the chair and I’ll get someone to help us. The saleswoman, a cute college girl asks, “One, two, or more?”

I said, “Two please;” Expecting one on each side. She understood it differently and I soon had a cute pair of studs and dangling silver bells hanging from each ear.

Hope, a college student, introduces herself and asks, “Please don’t be offended, but I was wondering if you could help me with a project at the university?”

I tell her, “I would but I’m not always around here."

Hope says, “I understand that but I suspect you find it hard at times to hiding with others not ever seeing the real you. Our help would give you a chance to see another side of life. It would give some of us college girls a chance to help you as we do our research. And you will gain a better understanding of being you.”

Staci broke into the conversation, “She’s going to be around yet this week; would there be an opportunity for her or us, to meet with you say Tuesday or Thursday”

Hope smiles as Staci whispers in her ear, “She’s been, my boyfriend. I didn’t know about Stephanie, but I still care a lot about her.” This happened off to the side and, as Stephanie, I am unaware of it.

“So Stephanie, Thursday mid-afternoon would work out well for me, as my classes will be over for the week. If it would work, you and your girlfriend, you would both be welcome.” Hope was now in front of me as she pierced my ears. Seeing how beautiful she is; I was excited by the idea, though not completely as Stephanie. I looked to Mrs. Miller, trying to think about how to answer.

Mrs. Miller says, “I would be willing to talk to your Aunt Hammond. She and I are good friends because of Steven, that’s if you’re interested. But I would want to visit with Hope for a couple of minutes.”

I turn back to Hope, “Would this project have us doing anything I would be uncomfortable doing? I don’t want Staci or myself embarrassed.”

Hope says, “I can assure you that it will be comfortable as you're being out and about right now. I’ll give you my information. If you two come around 3:30 p.m. Thursday, we can visit, get something to eat, our treat. We’ll be done by 7:30. You’d be welcome to stay around for some girl time.”

Staci and I agree that it sounds like fun. Staci’s certain that Hope knows I’m a TG girl. I didn’t think so, plus I told her, “Staci, I am not a T-girl nor anything else like that. I’m just doing this because of my punishment. I am still your boyfriend. You need to believe that.”

We finish our shopping with Mrs. Miller buying Staci a full outfit with a skirt, jeans, and tops. She approved my buying the mini-dress but I had to promise to diet so it would fit even better. Staci and her Mom take me to their home so we can talk.

Mrs. Miller’s first to say, “Stephanie, Steve is special to us and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. You are not acting like a person being punished but someone who enjoys being a girl. Stephanie seems very comfortable being Staci’s friend. I hope you will continue being friends but I didn’t see her boyfriend today.”

I look to Staci for support, she says, “I still have strong feelings for you Steve, but I agree with my Mom. Today I felt like Stephanie has become my friend. You’re more than just Steve. I still want to go to the movies with you tonight, but please understand it is with Stephanie.”

I say, “I agree that I have enjoyed shopping with you like Stephanie, even getting some girl clothes. I didn’t mean to make you think I want to be a girl. I just got caught up enjoying the differences.” I try hugging Staci, and while we shared the hug, it was different my bra and bumps change the feeling. I try to apologize and Staci puts a finger over my lips and then kisses me.

Her Mom had already left the room but we’re still being discrete.

Mrs. Miller says, "You each need to model your outfits as I have not seen them on you. I take the camisole and panty as well as the dress. Staci giggles as she sends me into her walk-in closet to change. I have to knock before I can come out as she is changing in her room. The panty gives me shivers of joy as I pull it on and brush my hands over them. I kind of regret that It's not really me filling the bra. I look beautiful and feminine. I can hear Staci ask, “Does it feel that good?” I hadn’t realized I had made any sounds that she could hear.

The mini-dress is such a delight. I take pride that I’m able to get it fully on, zipped up, and hooked by myself. I found Staci’s 3” pair of red heels and I’m happy that my feet fit. I tell Staci and she says they are her older sister’s, a half size larger than hers.

I am ready to come out, even her mother is there to see me. I open the door and it is not only her mom but my mother is there too. I stepped out and begin to turn around before I realize my mother is there. “O Honey, what did I start?” She took a picture and then holds her arms out to hug me.

Mrs. Miller says, “I doubt you started anything. I suspect someone else in the house knows more about this side of Steven. From what Staci told me yesterday, maybe this friend being back acted as a catalyst for her being out again.”

My mother calls Elle. Staci came over to me, “She’s very pretty, and more importantly she’s even happier as Steph. I think I could love her if Steven is somehow in the mix.” She embraces me and gives me a very tender kiss.

My mother disconnects her call, “Stephanie’s sister suggests we order some pizza and sit around and talk. You can still go to the movies if you want, there should be time.”

Elle and Staci have talked and googled searching for something, up until the pizza showed up. My mother fixes a clean dishtowel down over the front of my dress. I’m amused. We both know I can be messy when I eat. However last night at Mario’s I ate lobster and managed to keep my clothes spotless. “Thanks, Mom, please remind me to check and make sure the dress is okay before we leave.”

The discussion begins as we eat. Elle and then Staci bring up the idea, “We think Stephanie/Steven might need a gender specialist to help figure things out. Staci says, “Someone called Hope says she knows someone Stephanie could talk to.”

My mother speaks, “You strongly think he’s Stephanie?”

Elle said, “Hope says gender identity has a whole spectrum of possibilities. The joy right now is she seems to be experiencing more of whom she is.”

Staci shares, “Native American’s and others say some people are two or twin spirited. Part of me hopes Steven’s gender identity is a mix like that.”

“You’re hoping, I’m bisexual,” I ask?

Staci speaks more directly, “Let’s not jump to sexuality. I’m talking about your gender identity; that you might in some ways embrace both genders. One term is gender fluidity. That could be why you are still strongly claiming to be Steve while everyone is seeing your comfort in being Stephanie.”

“Elle has said, you’ve been into her clothes before; some of her older clothes have even gone missing.”

Elle giggled, “I’m not sure? Haley and I have possibly yelled at each other for getting into the other's clothes and makeup. And it might have been Steve.”

“Steven Lee Hammond is that true,” my Mother asks quite strongly?

Steph speaks up though shyly, “I knew of one time, it had to do with using Haley’s makeup and I hid under my bed because my eyes were all made up. If people had caught me then; they would have laughed and I would have been in big trouble.” Steph begins to cry worried about being in trouble. “I’m sorry, please don’t be angry with me.”

Staci hugs me and starts to give me little pecks near my ear as she says, “I don’t think people are angry. We just had little to no idea that you were in here Steph. I for one love you.”

As I looked up she has a tissue to blot my tears. I ask, “Do you really or are you just being nice to me?” Staci looks directly at me, “Both of our Mom says you can even sleepover when we get back from the movies.”

Staci and I go to the movie theater the next town over. Her sister Sarah drove us as she’s meeting friends there to go to another movie. Their movie starts some twenty minutes earlier so we’ll need to wait.

I am nervous and looking around, afraid others will soon realize I’m a boy. Staci says my looking around could be taken as me flirting or being interested in a date. She’s right as two boys probably a year ahead of us in school, came over to talk. Adin asks, “Are you two waiting for dates to arrive?” When I said, ‘No’. Adin said, “Would you mind if we paid for your tickets and sit with you?”

Staci smiles, “Yes if you’re my date and Stephanie doesn’t mind?” Adin smiles and waits for my answer.

I did not like Staci being the date of another boy. And I take her aside before I agree. However, I felt after last night and being dressed as Stephanie now, it is a bit awkward. “Staci,” I whisper, “How can you; I mean we do this with these boys?”

Staci smiles at me, “Didn’t you go out on me last night. Tonight Steve is not ready to take me out. If you survived last night. I don’t think you should have any problems tonight. If you do have a problem you can ask me for help.

I have no choice but to say ‘okay’. Jared is very happy to be my date and quickly put his hand around my waist. His hand has the strength of a worker or athlete so I said, “You must be an athlete or you are working, I can’t tell?”

Jared seems amused, “My father has his own construction company so I work for him and I play sports when I can. How did you figure that?”

I said, “Your hands are stronger.”

He says, “You’re easy to talk to, I like that. I’m surprised you don’t have a boyfriend. I like that but I’m surprised.” He pays for the tickets and then cuddles me saying, “Is it okay if I get you a small drink and we share some popcorn?”

I ask for diet cola, hoping we were not sharing a drink.

It’s an older theater and the seats were just fair in size. Jared said, “If you don’t mind I’m going to put my arm around you as the seat is a bit crowded for me.” He easily touches Staci’s shoulder on the other side of me.

Staci lightly giggles at me, “You don’t waste any time in wooing a boy do you?” She quickly knew I was worried that she might have thought that. “Relax Stev… Steph, I was just teasing. It is better than his hand falling off the armrest onto your lap.” The visual of that worries me.

Staci leans over and whispers, “Remember if during the movie you are moved, startled, or scared; you are a girl, Steph. You should talk to your date; it is the boy who is usually the quiet one.”

I look to Jared and he’s looking at me. I can’t think of a thing to say. Jared speaks, “You’re like this Adeline. You can’t be who you say you are.” I’m worried that Jared suspects something. “You can’t say you’ve never had a boyfriend or say you’ve never been kissed by a guy?”

“I said, I don’t have a boyfriend, not that a boy never kissed me.”

“Shucks,” Jared said as he leaned over to kiss me. I closed my eyes pouting for a kiss, Jared kisses me on the cheek instead. He saw me pout my lips, “I hope I didn’t disappoint you, maybe later in the movie I’ll kiss those pretty lips.”

“Stephanie, you’re red with embarrassment,” said Staci. “I hope you are not as easy as I feared.”

The movie was good and I got caught up in the character. I felt for her when she dared to love again and I was moved. Jared took it as the opportunity to give me a kiss and a comforting hug. This time the kiss is on my lips and passionate. He caught me by surprise and I found myself returning some of the passion until I caught myself. “Mmm!”

Jared asks, “Are you from around here; where do you live?”

“I didn’t say. I’m just a friend of Staci’s visiting.” Even I’m believing I’m only here until Thursday.

When we leave the theater I see Staci’s hand drop to the guy's butt and my hand follows with Jared, slipping into his back pocket. Jared turns to me and we kiss. He’s saying he enjoyed our date. We walk out to the lobby and Elle and Sarah both see me holding his hand.

I drop his hand and quickly walk over to Elle. Staci is soon over with us, saying, “They agreed to pay for our tickets and get the popcorn.” I say, “And a small drink.”

Sarah’s there for Staci, “Let’s stop for something so we can talk.” Sarah jokes, “Our little sisters haven’t done anything we didn’t, except they were not both sisters before.”

Elle says, “I bet he didn’t want to tell the boy, so he just went along with it.”

Not realizing Elle’s joking too, I say, “That is what happened. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I was too embarrassed to say anything.”

Elle says, “If you have your lipstick in your purse, you might want to repair your lips.” She leans over and whispers, “Mom says you should wear a double panty if you are sleeping over the Miller’s with Staci.” Elle says, “I think Mrs. Miller is wanting Staci to see you like another girl, not a boyfriend.”

I can’t believe that my mother is agreeing that it is okay for me to stay over with Staci. We stay up another hour and a half and I’m behind Staci as she’s chatting with other friends on her computer. It doesn’t seem anything special until Gere asks, “Why is Steve in a nightgown looking like your girlfriend?”

Staci says, “She’s my Barbie for tonight. Do you want to come over tomorrow morning and we can have fun the three of us?” I’m in shock.

I am crying when Staci gets off her computer. Staci says, “Don’t be crying, Gere knows you. She and I were already planning on dressing you for Crossover Day. Tomorrow will give us a little practice, won’t you like that?"

I am excited about sleeping with Staci, but Staci says we need to go out and sit with her folks and watch TV before we can say goodnight. Mr. Miller looks at me in teddy bear pajamas and Staci’s shorter robe. “Stephanie, it is hard to believe Staci likes you as her boyfriend.”

Staci raises her voice, “Dad don’t make fun of him. I think he’s cute and adorable. I bet you wouldn’t have had the courage to dress like that for Mom when you were his age.” I knew Staci was speaking up for me, but like her father, I didn’t look at it as a courageous thing for a boy.

Two days later, Brad has sent me a text, “Stephanie xx. I am wanting to make it worth all your mother spent on you. I am wondering if Elle has someone we could double date with tomorrow or the next night. I’m told girls like going to Peddlers Village even if it is only for window shopping. If Elle is of mind, the two couples could even make a night of it. I’d even cover the cost of a room with two queen beds.”

I should have been watching as Elle had come up behind me and was reading over my shoulder. “Steph! Is he suggesting what I think he’s saying?”

I yell at Elle “S**=! ~!+x!”

My mother yells upstairs, “Haven’t you learned your lesson, get your skirted little self, down here and explain yourself?” I said something more in a softer voice, believing my Mom wouldn’t hear me. My mother says, “Elle please come down here as well and help me straighten this out.”

I was just trying on a sweater dress of hers with a blue patterned pair of leggings. I want to quickly change, but Elle grabs me and we head down to our mom. I do delete my message from Brad.

“I’m sorry I yelled mom, it was inappropriate.”

My Mom smiles. “I am glad you apologize but why did you feel a need to yell like that?” I feel a little vindicated.

I say, “She looked over my shoulder and was reading my messages.”

Mom asks Elle’s explanation. “Sorry Mom, but he had such an expression on his face. I was tempted to see and then read a message Steph got from Brad.”

As I said, “I did not get any message from Brad;” my phone indicated another message coming in. It too was from Brad. My Mom puts out her hand wanting to see my phone before I can delete the call.

She asks, “Whose Kari, and what is this about going to Peddlers Village with your sister and her date? Is Brad really interested in you as Stephanie?”

We talk some, even Haley has come down to listen in on the conversation. “Do you often feel like a girl with Brad? I gather this started years ago when you two were younger and best friends.”

“Mom, I didn’t mean it as a girl. We were best friends and I said we were better than having girlfriends. I kissed him once. I didn’t know what it was like but thought we were special friends. It was a year before he gave me a panty and skirt from his sister to wear. He said It was true that boys like each other better than girls”

Mom is calm as she asks, “So do you still see yourself as a girl and his girlfriend when you're around him?”

I say, “No, Mom I’m not his girlfriend, but I can’t explain how I feel.”

She asks, “Explain what?”

Elle speaks up, “I think he still feels like he’s a girl. He might even have feelings for Brad from the past. Brad’s like an old boyfriend that a girl still likes in some ways.”

Mom suddenly turns to me. “Is that how you felt the other night? …Did you kiss or make out?”

I am almost crying, “Mom, he’s not my boyfriend?”

Mom asks, “But do you saw yourself as a girl with him? The way you look now says you had some experience.”

I stopped crying, I am surprised but there is a relief in my mother knowing and not being terribly angry. “Mom, I can stop; just let me change back.”

She asks, “Do you really want to change back?” There is a long quietness, I don’t really want to say yes, but it is embarrassing to admit I like being Stephanie.

Mom says, “I thought not... You don’t need to rush to any thoughts. I have gotten something for Stephanie for Christmas.”

“Elle what do you think of us going to Peddlers Village with her as Stephanie. I’d be amused to see if she enjoyed it more, sharing the experience as a girl.”

Elle says, “I’d be more comfortable going as a bunch of girls, even including Kari and Brad if they’d like to go. I think Stephanie needs to wrestle a little bit out in the world as Steph. But I’m not taking a boy with me.”

Story to be continued…

Previously: “What do you think of going to Peddlers Village with Stephanie. I’d be amused to see if she enjoyed it more sharing the experience as a girl with other girls.”

Elle says, “I’d be comfortable going as a bunch of girls; even including Kari and Brad... Stephanie needs to wrestle a live a little in the world according to Stephanie. But I’m not taking a boy with me.”

Chapter 4 begins…
Come Thursday, Mrs. Miller takes Staci and me to the University and Briar’s Hall where Hope’s suite is. It looks like a lot of the students are going home for their semester break. But when we get to Hope’s room there’s a group waiting for me. “Welcome Stephanie and it’s Staci, isn’t it? This is Bri, she’s a psychology major. This is Shanice and Javan, they’re both science majors. And Bert is a pre-med major. We’re all in a research module for January, and some of us on through the next semester.” All five women are up to greet us. Staci whispers to me with a giggle, “I think they were sizing you up for clothes along with greeting us.”

Mrs. Miller is standing behind us, “So you’re a legitimate group and this is a valid research project of the university?”

Hope says, “Yes, it’s part of a University Research Project and we’re working with Grad-Assistant Ms. Jana Dean and the University’s Gender and Sexuality Research Program. Here is her card if you want to verify what we’re doing?”

“If it is okay I am going to ask Staci to go down to Danica’s room with Javan and Bertie. Stephanie we’ll have you stay here with Bri, Shanice, and myself. Hope says to Mrs. Miller, “You’re welcome to come or call back at five, but we’re hoping you’d allow us to take them to dinner. We can either give them a ride home or have them call you for a ride. I know, you also have the option of them leaving with you now.”

Mrs. Miller is soon gone, Staci’s down the hall and I’m visiting with Hope, Brianna, and Shanice. It’s first the usual collection of information and some casual questions. I was remembering things I didn’t remember knowing. I told them even when I wore a skirt for Brad, I wasn’t a girl.

Like Bri asks me, “Did you try to perfect your girl look after Brad gave you girl clothes when you were younger? Or did you rarely dress like a girl?”

I said, “I wasn’t trying to perfect anything. I wished I could have looked better. Anyway, when I was 11, I thought he was getting more interested in girls. And I liked the look of being a girl.”

Hope, “You’re saying since you didn’t want to lose Brad, you’d become better at being a girl.”

I am getting nervous, I’m growing anxious. “You said you wouldn’t judge me if I said something crazy like I liked being a girl, his girl?” I pause, “then yes, and I didn’t mind it, I liked the girl’s clothing. It feels nicer.”

Bri says, “We don’t think you’re crazy. Did you just like the feeling of girl’s clothing, or did you find yourself wanting to be a girl?”

“I liked being a girl, but I know I can’t be. I’m a boy and I’m not going to be a girl no matter how much I think I am. I have a boy’s body that’s it.”

Shanice asks, “You know that there are many people who believe their body does not match who they are?”

“I know they’re called crossdressers. That is what I am, but I need to be Steven because I don’t just want to wear girl clothes. I will get over it! It might take some time. I just don’t like the idea of being shamed to the point I forget about being a girl anymore. I was kind of hoping you knew of a support group or you would help me to quit!”

Brianna says, “It’s not something you get over if it’s really you. Crossdressers might decide how they’re going to live with something they like to do. But what you seem to be describing is that you know inside you’re a girl.”

“Well isn’t that the same thing,” I ask? “If I didn’t have on a dress; I’d still feel like I’m one of you. Either with you or when I’d be alone, I’d want to dress up like Stephanie.”

Hope says, “No, wanting to be a girl isn’t the same as cross-dressing. Some boys realize they’re transsexual or transgender.”

I say, “I’d stop my searches any time it seemed to suggest that. I am kind of waiting for my sisters to move out so the temptation is gone. Then I can go back to just being Steve and not tempted.”

Someone asked, “How long have you been quitting being a girl?”

“Haley graduates from high school this year, this time I should succeed.”

Shanice says, “I asked you, how many times have you quit being a girl? Didn’t you decide to quit when your older sister went to college?”

“Who told on me that I wanted to quit then? I didn’t think anyone knew?”

There was a knock on the door and a young woman was standing there when they opened the door. She introduced herself to me, “Stephanie, it is nice to meet you, my name is Jana Dean, I work under Dr. Joanna Spriggs. Have you had enough talking for now?”

I say, “It’s kind of heavy, but I’m glad I came. I hope they’re going to be friends and I don’t have to stop coming.” I slap my leg because I’m sure it sounded silly that I’d want to be back dressing like Stephanie.

“You’re willing to come back that sounds good. If we took you and your friend out for pizza and did some shopping, would you mind?”

“I wouldn’t mind and I know Staci and I both understood we would have a chance to eat with you. I’d like to get another skirt, so I don’t have to only wear Elle’s old stuff. It’s pretty nice, but not this year’s colors or style.”

I could tell everyone was amused by what I said. Brianna left, I think to get Staci and the others. Jana sits across from me, lightly smiling. “You must have been dressing as Stephanie a long time to be looking this good as a girl?”

“No, just since last Friday when Brad came to our house. He asked me to go to the drive-in with him. When my Mom and sister suggested I could dress as his date, I got upset. When I lost my temper and cussed out my sister. Well, Mom said, I needed to be dressing as a girl through today. Now it sounds like my mother’s planning on giving me a gift as Stephanie for Christmas.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she forces me to dress as Stephanie into next week, if not until New Year’s Eve.”

Jana asks, “Your mother is forcing you to do this against your will?”

“Well, not actually. I’m sure she sees it as a chance for me to dress like this. I think she was surprised that I did it without her knowing. I sometimes had my sisters arguing among themselves about the other getting into their clothes. But I never got to fully be Stephanie before. I really didn’t know how to do what I wanted.”

Staci and the others are back. Staci comes over and hugs me, asking, “Were they as nice to you as they were to me? I liked visiting with them. I know it’s really about you, but it's helpful to me I like it.” I looked at her and she said, “As your girlfriend.”

Hope asked, “Do you girls want to freshen up to go out for pizza?”

Hope’s room was part of a suite, so we used the restroom off the lounge. The college girls used Hope’s bathroom or various mirrors. Staci and I both changed our makeup because it was going to be evening. Several of the students not only changed their makeup but their clothes as well. I’m sure Jana noticed we were a bit jealous.

Hope said, “You two did very good in changing your look. Staci, did you do her makeup?”

Staci emphatically says, “No, I did smooth out her eyeshadow but that was it.”

Hope and Jana show us two necklaces and a bracelet and earrings. If either of you would like to wear any of them help yourself. The earrings on the card are new and yours if you decide to wear them. Each set of earrings goes nicely with a necklace. I look at the others and I am hesitant but I give in and choose the earrings and bracelet I like. Brianna who is a sharp-looking dresser helps me with the necklace that goes with them as I put in the earrings. The studs I had in are back into my purse.

Six of us snuggly fit into Ms. Dean’s SUV; it is not new but it is a nice looking vehicle for a young woman. Bri, Shanice, and Bert rode in the car. O’Kelly’s was definitely a college place, and for some reason the vast majority of customers are female. Even the TV channels are turned to women’s basketball or music.

We order our pizza and get our drinks; Hope brought over a small plate of cheese sticks with two sauces. I’m surprised but between the cheese sticks and two pizzas, everyone satisfies their appetites. Come seven o’clock they have a karaoke time. I got pushed into a trio singing a Taylor Swift song, ‘Teardrops on my Guitar’. I wouldn’t have known it if my sisters had not played it so often. It gave me goosebumps to be singing it while imagining her video. It was of her on a bed singing it in a beautiful dress with her eyes made up with her lips sparkling. Before I went up to sing, Bri handed me a pink lip-gloss to put on. I couldn’t see my lips, but it helped me to imagine myself as Swift singing. The woman taking back my mic at the end, said, “We know which one of us is a teenager able to dream as she sings.”

Some other woman stood up in front of me on my way back to sit down saying, “You know you have her luscious lips and I could go for a kiss.”

She’s an attractive woman, I say, “You look as hot as I feel right now.” She lifts a hand, touching the side of my face as she leans into me. I close my eyes; the sensation of our luscious lips kissing puts me in a trance as she moves back. I open my eyes feeling like I’m still kissing and everyone is looking at me.

We stayed for two more songs before Jana says we should be going. On our way out a woman with a tablet met us. “Did you know that you’re eligible to win Ellie Goulding tickets for January 14?”

I ask, “Is this legitimate? You’re joking aren’t you?”

She looks to and asks, “Jana can verify for her that this is real. I’m guessing the crowd at 9:00 when we select a winner might like her as much as the crowd a little while ago did. It even could include a backstage pass. We’re giving one away tonight and three other pairs Friday and Saturday.”

I look to Jana before I begin giving my information. I ask, “Can my alter ego go in my place if I can’t?

Char steps back and looks to see if I’m for real. She smiles, “If you win tonight I will make sure you get one of the two backstage passes.”

There is a boutique next door to the pizza lounge. There are long skirts that I quickly fall in love with. I’ve seen college students wear them and I have often been jealous. I wait for Staci to select a skirt and a top. I wanted to see if they really would buy something for us. Staci bought the less expensive blouse. The skirt she got is five dollars more expensive than the one I like. Jana watches me when I go back to the skirt pattern I like.

She asks, “I like that, but what did you like that caused you to select that skirt?”

“I’ve seen a good number of college girls wear it when our family goes to the mall or out to eat. I don’t really know why, but I kind of like the women I usually see wearing them. I think it will look good and be fun to wear.”

It is only as its being purchased I realize one could see into the skirt.

They’re driving us home; Staci calls her mother to pick her up at my house. Jana asks, “Do you think it would be okay if I talk to you and your moms?”

I knew my mother was hoping for something like that and I’m sure she would have asked before I went a second time. I call my mother asking if it would be okay if Jana came in and talked with her. Brianna was included.

Mrs. Miller was at my house before we were. She and my mother greet us at the door. My mother says, “After you introduce us to the guests, I want you to quickly go and change into whatever you purchased.”

“Mom, Ms. Dean purchased it for me, I just got to choose it.”

Mother says, “Quickly upstairs, change and come down.”

I was right, my legs clearly show from mid-thigh down. I change into a pair of leggings as well as a skirt. I was afraid of what my mother might say. When I went back to show them my skirt. Mother said, “That is a smart look on you, who did you say picked it out, they have good taste.”

I curled my legs and sat on the floor near my mother. Mom said, “When visiting with adults as a young woman it is proper to sit on a chair as the rest of us.”

Jana cautiously spoke up, “That is one of the things I am talking about. Her natural tendency in being a young woman might include being like a younger girl. There are several possibilities why.”

“The tendency of such a young woman wanting you or you wanting to brush her hair or have you help her in some other way can be normal.” Mother and I look at each other knowing what has happened in the last week.

We talk more, when Jana said, “Stephanie said her punishment of wearing girls’ clothes was over today.”

My mother says, “I’m pretty certain she knew as early as Monday evening she could have stopped. She even acted up once like she wanted me to extend the punishment. I didn’t, but I was open to Stephanie continuing. Finally yesterday, I bought her some Christmas presents, thinking it looks like she will be around come Christmas.

“I am more than happy to have her; as buying something nice for her is much easier. As far as I’m concerned she can be Stephanie through Christmas, even up to New Year’s Day if she’d like. I thought she’d exhaust her taste of being a girl before this and at least by then.”

Elle’s there and she says, “I tried telling my mother before you did. That I don’t think this is something Steven will get tired of or out-grow. I go to another university, but from what I hear it’s an accepted understanding. I wouldn’t be surprised if Stephanie, Steven was helped by a group like yours.”

Jana says, “I agree, but if, and I'm used to calling her, Stephanie. If we’re to have her in our research and support group, we need Rose and Stephanie to both agree for her to participate. If insurance helps some that extend our research and small group dollars.”

Brianna and Jana turn to Staci, “If you would like to help out and be in a peer group we would need permission. You would not be anywhere near as involved as your friend, but I think it would be helpful for you as well as Stephanie.”

Mrs. Miller and Staci take their information and go home. Mrs. Miller did invite us to go with them to the Christmas Eve Candlelight service.

Jana says, “Because of the holidays and the pressures that often come with it. We have group meetings on Tuesday and Thursday of next week. Steph or Steve could attend one or both sessions. I’d give her some one on one time, one of those days. I’d use Brianna or Danica as your big sister. They do not actively take part in the support group, but the big sister is there for you and you will be her only little sister as you go through this. If you decide you’re a little brother or a peer that will be okay as well.”

I look to Brianna, “I don’t know Danica, I’d be happy to have Brianna as a big sister.”

It is now after 9:30 when Jana’s phone receives a message. It is Char and she’s left a text message. “Please tell Stephanie, she won the tickets to see Ellie Goulding and it includes the backstage pass. But it is only for Stephanie and her guest. We will have a word with her when our caravan will be leaving that morning. I hope she does not mind staying over if our time with Ellie runs late.”

Jana shows the text to me and my mother. She uses her tablet search to connect with the pizza lounge website. She shows my mother my Karaoke song number. Elle asks me, “Where did you ever learn to sing like that?”

Elle wasn’t surprised I heard her and Haley singing the song enough. She was surprised that I imagined myself as a girl singing songs as a girl. She asked and I told her which songs I had learned to sing. Elle finally says, “That explains the shiny lip-gloss.” I was embarrassed that I still was wearing it in front of my mother.

Mother says, “I’m a bit surprised you were comfortable at Jasmine’s Pizza Lounge. Singing there is just a bit more of a surprise. I think your sister Elle would be a good choice to go with you to the concert if you’re possibly staying overnight.”

I ask, “Why are you so surprised I would be comfortable at the pizza place?”

She says, “I guess I shouldn’t have been. You are probably used to estrogen filling a place.” Mom pauses, “You do know there’s quite a blend of women there from lesbians, transgender, straight, and crossdressers?”

I naïvely ask, “And how do you know what kind of a place it is?”

My Mom says, “It is a place I've gone to, once or twice at the end of the workweek and not wanting to be hit upon by men.”

I giggle, “But other women might hit upon you.”

“Women are more accepting of a ‘no’. Plus it is less likely to be about sex, more likely someone I’m interested in knowing.” Mom says, “You’re old enough to understand since your father died; I miss the companionship we had. I'm in no rush for a partner.”

Mom says, “Why don’t you say good-bye to Jana and Brianna and go get ready for bed.”

I say goodnight and head upstairs. I stop and listen to them from the top step.

Mother thanks Jana, “I do appreciate she made contact with your group through Hope. And thank you for giving me the heads up to where you were taking them to eat. If I hadn’t known beforehand I might have been wondering.

“I hope she doesn’t think poorly of me as a mom for going there. I didn’t mean to say, I am the one who sometimes seeks to make connections with another woman. I’ve gone out with a few men since my husband died. It is not that I don’t like men anymore. It is easier to carry on conversations and to allow my heart to be touched.”

Mother says, “You probably think I’m the one in need of a support group. Maybe that is why Stephanie is the way she is. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shared this with you.”

Jana says, “You sound like one of the healthier mothers I’ve come in contact with. My own mother is a lot like you but the few times she’s relaxed and has gone out like that. She ends up feeling guilty and judgmental of herself.

“Do you know you don’t have any reason to feel guilty about Steven feeling like Stephanie?”

Brianna giggles, “The psychology department would do well to develop a program for mature women who have become single. Not a grief group as much as a group that supports one another in moving on.”

She says, “I don’t mind dating men at all, but I do like the ability to treat other women my age as complete people. That includes our being able to emotionally be in touch with one another. It isn’t about sex for me.”

Mom says, “Do you think you can guide Stephanie to see a life that way?”

Brianna says, “I’m not going to guide her as much as help her/him to explore who she is.”

I had fallen asleep at the top of the stairs by the time Elle saw me. “You need to take a shower and get ready for bed. I am surprised you aren’t all wired need to talk to mom or me.”

I say, “That was my problem, I was waiting to visit with mother, but they kept talking, and I fell asleep.

I shower, trying not to get my hair overly wet. My nightgown is nice and snuggly warm. When I go down to my mother, she’s taking a shower. Luckily Elle came down and sees my brush in my hand. I asked, “Do you think, my liking you or mom to brush out my hair is my wanting to be a little girl?”

My sister takes the hairbrush, “Please sit up properly on the edge of the chair.” She says as she brushes my hair, “You’re developing some natural curls. It is as though your hair has been waiting until now to show off.”

Our mother is out of the shower and ready for bed when she comes out to us. “I think you two better get some sleep. I decided we’ll be going to Peddlers Village tomorrow. I heard they have some snow and it looks like a winter wonderland.”

When I went to bed, all I could dream of was being a girl with leggings under an attractive outfit. I would borrow mittens and a cute knitted hat. But alas I did not have a nice girl’s winter coat to wear, not if both my sisters go and I know that’s the plan. It gives me a restless night’s sleep. I’m awake early and I put on the short fluffy robe my sister let me have.

I got to the teapot and poured hot water over my raspberry something teabag. I went to sit in the nook hoping I could brood alone. But my mother was there and soon asking why I’m so glum, “I thought you would be happy.”

“I thought I would too, but I’m not.” ‘How could I tell my mother, after she had already spent so much? That I need a winter coat. I’m sure a pretty coat that I’d like to be wearing, would probably cost close to $100. That’s a hundred dollars, we don’t have to waste on my dream.’

Mother asks, “So what’s bothering you. I thought you liked being a girl and seeing life on our side.” She pauses, “If you want you can go back to being Steven. Your discipline is over; I thought you decided to experience at least Christmas?”

“Yes mother, I kind of like the idea, but it’s getting too expensive. And now I need to wear my winter coat. I haven’t taken good care of it and it’s nothing like what a girl would enjoy wearing.”

Mother asks, “Have you thought of wearing Elle’s old coat?” The one that I could think of has been in the extra closet since Christmas of last year. It used to be pretty, but it had to be dusty, musty, and well worn. I wore it more than once when it was still nice. But it would be musty smelling, squished in the back of the closet and it would almost be as embarrassing as wearing my coat.

Mother is trying to keep a straight face until she can take my sadness no longer. “I took it down to the Martinizing Dry Cleaners yesterday. Do you know where Allison’s mom operates the place? Mrs. Ottoman says it should look really cute. She wanted to know who it was for. I told her I had a niece visiting, who might need it. I think she will love seeing the smile on your face when we go get it.”

“But Mom, if anyone might be able to guess who I am it’s Allison’s mother, and then she’ll tell Allison. What have you done?”

“That is what I could afford to do. And you know very well that if someone is going to know; the person couldn’t be nicer than Allison or her mother. I thought it might also be nice for Staci to have another girl she could confide in.”

I am drinking my tea and its warmth helps me to feel better and to relax. Haley comes bouncing down into the kitchen. She sees Mom but I’m around the corner and out of sight. Haley says, “Mom have you told Stephanie about Elle’s old coat? I don’t know if you’re going to be able to coax her into the dry cleaners to try it on. I think she’s become a little spoiled in getting so many nice things; she becomes a little diva.”

“I have not,” I spout off as she comes into sight. “But I’m going to be very embarrassed if Allison comes to know about me.”

Haley says, “Allison wouldn’t be a bad person to invite along. She’s attractive, and she’s a good one to enjoy the day with. I thought she was a friend anyway?”

Yes, she’s nice to me but that’s with Steven. She would be a little put off seeing me in a nice skirt outfit. And I’m not a spoiled Diva!”

Mother says, “You each should get a breakfast bar, some fruit, and then get ready by nine to leave.

I enjoy getting ready the gray leggings go nicely with the pleated skirt and blouse I’m wearing. I even have one of those long bulky sweaters that will keep me warm enough to jump in and out of the car. We pick up Staci because she’s on the way to the cleaners. We’ll pick up Janice after that.

Mom drives and stops on the street in the pick-up parking place. She turns around and hands me a twenty-dollar bill. “I think that should cover the cost, now get going?”

“I’m not going, I’m not ready if Mrs. O would recognize me?” Mom presses a button for my door to open and Staci gives me a good push. I grab Staci’s hand and drag her to come with me. We quickly scoot into the store as the wind is briskly cold and my sweater is not that warm. I’m hoping not to see Mrs. O, but that would have been better than turning around to the counter and seeing Allison. I stay in character as Stephanie, but I say, “Hi Allison.” Now she knows she should recognize me.

She looks to Staci and then back to me, I can see the ‘Oh’ shape of her mouth as she says, “OMG Steven. Staci cutely says, “It's Stephanie, Steven’s cousin.”

Allie says, “Who are you trying to kid. I doubt she’d have the same scar over that knuckle.” She presses the turnstile to bring the H’s around. She takes off the coat and hangs it on a hook near us. “My Mom said you need to try it on to make sure it fits and you like it.” She lifts the plastic cover and takes it off the hanger to help me try it on. Once the sweater is off and I move to the opening of the counter. Allie says, “You do make a cute girl, you even walk like one of us.” She’s holding the coat open as I stick in one arm and then with her help the other arm. I turn to her because that’s where the mirror is. Allie smiles, “You like it don’t you. It looks good on you.”

I hold out the money to pay her, trying not to say anything. However, I do respond to seeing myself in the coat with the fur-like collar and sleeves. “Thanks, Allison, I’ll have to tell you sometime.”

Staci says, “Allison why don’t you come with us to Peddlers Village, you’d love it.”

Allie’s eyes pop wide open, “Are you the ones my mom said might invite me to go with them? Mom said I could go if I wanted to. That’s why I’m not really dressed for work.”

Story to be continued…

I can’t believe that I am snuggling in a pretty winter coat, with Allison on one side and my girlfriend Staci on the other side. Haley and Staci’s older sister Sara are in the middle group of seats with Mom driving and Elle riding up front.

Allison is intrigued as she constantly turns to me saying, “I can’t believe a boy I’ve known is so girly.” She giggles hysterically when she hears that I dated Brad Street and that he kissed me. She jokingly says, “I hope you didn’t lose your panties to him.” My shocked expression told what I didn’t want to say.

She takes my hands and looks at my fingernails. I know she’s looking for a way to change the conversation. Haley instead adds fuel to the fire, “She was even sore like a girl afterwards.”

Mom slows the car and goes to the side of the road, “Haley, anyone else not knowing better. That better end anything crude being said today.”

Allison asks, “Can I ask Steph if she had fallen for him before? I know if a girl feels that way for a guy, it might happen easy enough.” She then nuzzles me pulling me over to her. “Don’t worry, I won’t be saying anything. Somehow I have no trouble sensing you have a girl’s heart and emotions.”

When I say, “Thanks Allison.” She smirks, “You know Stephanie; you don’t sound like Steven. You talk differently.”

Allie says, “Mrs. Hammond, I want to thank you for asking me to come. It is nice that you trusted me to know about Stephanie. We’re kind of an open family and my mother has always like Steven. He’s usually been active and getting into things. I hadn’t imagined it included makeup and girls clothes.”

Elle says, “I’m glad to hear you say that I thought I was going crazy about Steph’s speaking. No one had mentioned that; it is like Stephanie’s her own person and not my brother in a dress.” The conversation goes around the car.

Staci lightly laughs, “And did anyone else notice how modestly she holds down the hem of her skirt. It is like she’s afraid that a boy like Steve might sneak a cheap peek.”

I say, “I’ve seen other girls pull the hem of their skirts down like that.”

Staci says, “Maybe, if it is four inches shorter. You even cross your legs and hold them together like a modest girl.”

Allison looks over, “Staci, has Steven ever put his hand here or higher?” Her hand is now on my leg above the knee; she’s moving it to the inside of the leg.

Staci giggles, “I don’t want to say and get her in trouble with her mother.” Staci drops her hand onto my leg above the hem of my skirt. She whispers, “But his hand has fallen onto my legs when I was wearing a shorter skirt. But I think it would be cruel to tease her.”

Allie says, “I wonder if this bothers her, and how she’d take if a boy’s hand got this high, which I think would be naughty of him.”

My mother says, “I don’t like whispering in the car it makes me think somethings going on that I wouldn’t like. Stephanie looks a little embarrassed about something. What is going on back there?”

I say, “They’re teasing at my expense. Hopefully joking and treating me as one of their friends.”

Allie asks, “Does Stephanie have any dolls of her own? If she doesn’t it might be good if we can get her one today.” Allie looks over to Staci, “Do you have a perfume that is subtle yet different from what you’re wearing?”

Elle speaks up, “I think a little stuffed kitty or something would be enjoyable for you Steph or would you prefer a dolly?”

Haley says, “Steph should wait until we’re going through the shops to see if there’s a different fragrance. What do you think Staci, she’s your boyfriend.

“She’s my good friend, you all agreed she’s not my boyfriend Steven.” Elle had turned around and knew it hurt me when I heard that. Allie gives me a hug and expresses some sympathy. Staci says, “Gee, Stephanie don’t be so sensitive. I thought you wanted me to treat you like a girl today.”

We’re pulling into the parking area for the Village and I didn’t even remember crossing the river into Pennsylvania. The trip had gone fast.

I am sorry for a short moment that I wore a skirt, as I negotiate to humbly get out of the backrow and out of Mom’s SUV. My sister said I did as well as most girls.

We start off going through the stores together. I think that makes it quite crowded. Everyone else thinks it adds to the fun as we visit together. Mom likes us looking at all the Christmas items and candles. Since they are nice to look at and enjoy, but we’re not interested in buying them. Going in and out of the shops, the cold air sends shivers up my legs.

Staci whispers, “Does it get cold up under your skirt?” I murmur, “Yes.” I knew it made her happy. One shop has small cups of hot chocolate and others have hot tea or hot spiced apple cider. The hot spiced Russian tea is what I wanted, but Mom asks Allie if it is oaky if I share with her. Which is what we ended up doing. I got a cute hot chocolate mustache. It is the first time I can tell where I am drinking out of a cup because of my lipstick-stain on the cup.

We are in a shop with a lot of jewelry and decorative pins. I spot a heart shaped locket. I had always envied girls being able to have them. The sales woman asks, “Are you three girls together?” It’s Ally, Staci and I and we say yes.

”This is a very nice locket, no? I have only three good ones left. They’re regularly $34.95. I would let the three of you buy them for $15.99 and I’d take a picture of the three of you and put it in your lockets for another five dollars.”

Staci and Allie both like the idea, but Staci says, “How would we explain the picture of the three of us?” Mother says, “I’d buy Stephanie’s and pay ten dollars to each of yours.” We are quickly fixing our hair and makeup. And we are each out of our coats standing close together for the picture.

We have to come back in fifteen minutes. I saw a necklace that I saw Elle likes. I’m hoping it is not too expensive as I still need to get her a Christmas present.

Brianna from the college walks by me and as I notice her, I say “Hi Brianna.” I then I realized she hadn’t said hello to me, worried I’d be offended that she said something in public.

Staci tells Allie, “Brianna is a friend of Steph’s at the university. They give support to Steph and friends like me.”

Allison asks me, “Are you thinking about staying a girl?” I can see her surprise. “That explains better you’re looking so good. If we got an appointment together next week for a makeover would you enjoy that?”

“I’ve already spent too much.”

Allie says, “My Mom and I will pay for them both then.” I try to turn her down, but she says, “Your mother already bought me something and said she pay for lunch. You can’t back out unless you stop dressing as Stephanie. I don’t think you can do that.”

We went and looked at women’s apparel. I looked at leg warmers. Staci says, “Unless you can find the right one for you. They’ll look old fashion and that’s not good.”

Staci picks out a skirt she wants me to try on. Somehow on the way to the changing room a shorter skirt is stuck in its place. I’m out of my skirt complaining when I discover the change. It is nice so I do try it. The others agree I look very nice in it. But like most of the things we look at today we don’t buy it.

We’re back and pick-up our lockets and Mom helps me put on mine. First I think, ‘No one will know how much I love it. I realize and admit to myself that they probably understand more than I give them credit for.’ That helps the rest of the trip become more enjoyable.

Elle’s necklace is more expensive than I wanted to pay, fortunately not that much more.

When we get to the main restaurant, we have a thirty minute wait. It is mostly women shopping together or families. I enjoy looking at the other people. Especially how the women our age look. There are many of us, yet most are wearing something different and sharp looking for them. It would have been jeans and a sweater or sweatshirt and jacket for guys.

I waited ten minutes before going to the women’s room and there is a small wait. Longer that I usually have to wait as a guy. Once I’m out of the toilet stall and up to the mirror fixing my face. I smell the fragrance of the woman next to me. It is new me, that’s something I wouldn’t have known a week ago. I ask, “Would you mind my asking what fragrance that is?”

She says, “It is one of the new Chanel No. 5 Chance fragrances.”

I say, “No wonder it is so beautiful.”

She asks, “Would you like a light spray on your wrists?”

I close my eyes, “I could not ask that.”

She smiles and says, “You didn’t ask, I asked you. I am sure your friends would be pleased for you.”

I smile agreeing, “Yes, they were wanting to find a fragrance for me. I don’t think this is what we would have gotten.” Lee takes my hand and lightly sprays my left wrist. I rub my wrists together bring them to either side of my neck.

“Thank you ever so much.” She said the pleasure was hers, and I think she was sincere.

Allie and Elle were the only two who noticed and knew the fragrance. “Chance Eau Tendre” says Elle. “Just before I came home at Christmas, I was invited to s special reception. I went to Macy’s let them give me a spray. Then I went to the reception. The Dean of Performing Arts noticed and she actually thanked me for dressing up and showing class. She had another person visit with me and then I was invited up to a place setting for a student at the front table. That was a very nice evening.”

Mom says, “You can tell me later how, but for now I am happy for you.” Two hours later we were entering a store and the woman who shared her perfume was already inside.

She stops my mother asking, “Is this young lady your daughter? We met earlier and I was most impressed by her.”

Mother says, “I suspect you are the elegant woman who so impressed her.”

Ms. Morgan hands my mother and me a card, “If she can regularly present herself this well in appearance and manners. I would be interested in her interning with us this summer. I am high up in this corporation and we hire young people each summer to work and shadow us. I could use a good experience this summer.”

The woman pauses, “She is your daughter isn’t she?”

“She is mine and yes I am generally well pleased with her. Though seemingly she showed her best side to you.”

“My name is Eliza, young lady and what is yours?”

“I’m Stephanie, Stephanie Hammond, but…”

She asks, “Well, do you think you could present yourself on a regular basis as you’re doing today? I’d have you as a summer assistant to help me, meet people on my behalf and be a courier doing as I’d ask?” She turns to my mother, “I’d be able to verify who I am and that everything is proper and that she’d be safe and well paid.”

My mother says, “I know who you are Ms. Morgan. You must be in Philadelphia with family to be up here today shopping.” Eliza seems pleased that my mother knows whom she is.

Eliza says, “Your group’s presence seems to agree that this is a good place for women to come enjoy the day.” She says, “Since you know of me, do you think it might work out for your daughter to work with me this summer?”

My mother says, “I am not quite sure how to answer you. Stephanie has a unique set of circumstances. I am very proud of her.”

Eliza speaks to Allison, “How would you like a similar experience, so Stephanie wouldn’t be without a friend in the area? I’m suspecting you’re a good friend and know her well.”

My mother speaks up, “Why don’t we let the others continue to shop and we find a place to visit.” Mom asks Elle to make sure she can call and find out where they are.

We go back to the restaurant and a small conference room is made available to us. I’m confused about her name and ask, “Could you explain, when I first met you, you introduced yourself as Lee. You then introduced yourself as Eliza Morgan?”

“I am glad you caught that but waited till we were a smaller group out of earshot of others. I go by Lee when I’m out on my own trying to relax and get away. I was named for my grandmother Elizabeth, but have gone by Eliza since I was a small girl.”

My mother looks at me wondering what if anything she should say. My mother says, “I know you say you’re open minded, but a lot of people talk the talk, but don’t walk their talk.”

I say, “Ms Lee, my mother’s not sure about telling about me. It is just recently that I’m comfortable being Stephanie. And I’m not sure this is me. I don’t think I could promise anything right now and be healthy about it. My regular name is Steven. You have been very nice to me and our group. I am sorry for misrepresenting myself and any inconvenience and embarrassment it’s caused you.”

She is very nice about everything, “Your mother is right. It is a good time for me to walk my talk. Let me say, I am still impressed with you as a young lady. And I do understand you need the space and time to find out who you are. I will not be expecting to hear from you. My hope is purely that you do well.

“I do know some counselors prefer a transgender girl to take some extended time as a woman. If that is recommended for you this summer, you do have my card. If that would be the case, I’d hope to hear from you by the end of March.”

“That is very nice of you but even if it would be recommended,” my mother says, “There is no way she’d have enough of a wardrobe and things to consider it.”

Ms Lee turns to leave, “If that were her main problem; she should still call. She deserves a chance to have a future as much as anyone. Most places won’t offer that.” She leans and gives me a kiss to the cheek, “I’m impressed.”

I’m kind of glad to be back shopping. I notice Allison is staying closer to me while Staci talks more to my sisters than me. I mentioned that to Elle once we were alone. She says, “Staci still likes you very much Steve. She even is accepting of you as Steph but its Steven she wants for Christmas.”

I decide to relax and enjoy the day as Steph and my time with Allie. I thought Allie took me into a woman’s store of intimate apparel just to get me to blush. She actually saw a sale sign for bras. I found looking through the different bras to be more interesting than I thought it would be. Allie, holding a bra up in front of me, shows me what she’s looking for. When she has two set aside a saleswoman asks, “Would you want to try those on.” She asks, “Have you ever been properly fitted for a bra.”

I show my ignorance, “It’s just a matter of personal preference and knowing your cup size.”

The woman says, “If you’re together and don’t mind I can show the both of you.”

Allie grabs her bra choices and me saying, “Yes, I’d like that.” We’re in a larger changing room and Allie is soon down to her bra and unbuttoning my blouse. I’m freaking out, knowing the woman is going to see that I’m wearing breastforms. The sales woman encourages me to relax, “You’re not the only woman using them by far and you blended well the seams. Even wearing breast forms, your bra choice makes a big difference in your appearance.”

She measures Allie carefully taking more measurements than I understood why. Brenda, the saleswoman says, “Why don’t you put this one on, and I’ll find another like it but I think better suited for you.”

The woman leaves and Allie says, “She doesn’t realize yet you’re a boy so keep your mouth shut.” …She turns around and takes off and puts on the new bra away from my seeing. The new one is pretty but Allie says, “It doesn’t fit like I thought it would.”

Brenda is soon back and agrees. “This one has delicate stitching, but I think you’ll find it better fits your build.” The woman even helps Allie adjust the straps. She turns to me, “You see how it gives her good support, yet it cradles to her breasts shape. The other showed the bra off better than it did her.” Turning back to she says, “Allie you can even use these to push you up showing you off more if you want.”

Allie says, “When dressing up, I like to use them. But what would look good for Stephanie?”

Brenda asks me to take my bra off so she can measure me more accurately. I find the attention somehow pleasing and personal. “Would you mind if I go and select a few for you to choose from?” Once she’s out of the changing room I begin to fan myself. And Allie says, “Calm down, it’s only a bra fitting.” She takes a piece of ice from her drinking cup and rubbed it on me. I didn’t complain, knowing my need.

Brenda is sook back and Allie took a peach colored lacy bra from her, “Cute Steph, what do you think.” Steve wanted to say, ‘peach isn’t my color’. But I pause realizing I do like how the bra looks. It is like the one Allie just put on it looks delicate as well as attractive. I ask, “Why are bras done so beautifully when others are not likely to see them?”

Allie says, “Because you see it and it brings joy to your eyes. Your mother, sisters and some of us friends like you feeling attractive and liking yourself.” I begin putting it on, wishing my breasts were real, wonder how it would feel to them.

Brenda stops me saying, “We need to adjust the straps so they don’t cut into your shoulders or try to lift your breasts two inches higher.” The last image is kind of funny. I’m now noticing like Allie’s the inside of the cups shows more of my breasts. I actually like the appearance of cleavage though it is not very much.

Allie is changing into another bra and I am looking, more it’s like another girl than the boy I’m supposed to be. Allie tells me, “I think you already have the prettiest of your bras on. Allie says, “I like the soft touch where my nipples are.”

Brenda says, “That is a nice feature of that bra, though another girl usually will be able to tell if your nipples are aroused.”

Both bras are priced around $35, but with their sale prices the two cost less than thirty dollars together. Allison says, “We’ll get them, if we can wear them now.” Brenda asks permission and then helps to take the tags off. I’m trying to protest about my bra. Allie asks, “What you don’t like your bra or you don’t want to wear it now?”

I say, “You know that I like it; it’s nice a feminine. It’s just that I was only willing to try it on and see how it looks. I do not intend to buy one.”

Allie says to Brenda, “They’re both to be rung up on my card.”

When we are fully dressed and step out of the changing room, not only is Haley there, but our entire shopping party. My mother sees that my blouse has another button undone and smiles. Allie is quick to say, “We even got a proper fitting and lessons of what to look for, didn’t we Steph?”

I complain, “Mom, I didn’t want to, but Allison bought one for me.” And she says, “So the first thing you do is to complain. You should be thankful and telling us about it.”

“Mom,” Steve’s voice started to break through. Collecting my composure, I change and say. “I think I did Mom. It’s just that I don’t need a new one. And I didn’t intend for Allie to feel she should buy it for me.”

Mother says, “It is fortunate for the two of you that Haley saw you two in here. Because I lost track of you and you didn’t answer your phone.”

Elle says, “From seeing your blouse, I would say you are very happy to have a new bra.”

Allison says, “My mother wanted me to make sure I did something to show my gratitude for coming.” Mom told her that she didn’t have too. Mom was surprised when Allie told her the brand name. She was relieved when she heard the sale price. Mom and the others all spent time looking at the bras and finding one for themselves.

Mother got into a discussion with Holly the sales manager, as she paid at the cash register. Holly said, “We have done quite well this year; I decided to allow customers the joy of getting them before Christmas. Tomorrow the sale will only be 25% off and customers will go through a lot more buying two or three each.” She says, “I pity the woman whose husband buys it for her. It will either be way too large or cause her breasts to look like they want to leap out. Has your husband ever done that to you?”

Mom’s not saying anything, but Haley says, “Our Dad walked out leaving us high and dry three years ago.” Holly apologizes saying, “I am sorry, I that was so insensitive of me. Let me have your receipt and I’ll void out a charge or two.”

Mom says, “Don’t worry about that” and takes her bag of items. I hug Mom once we’re outside saying, “That would not have happened if I stayed with you.”

She says, “Your hug makes if feel more than worth it.” The lights around the village are coming on and snow flurries are in the air. Mom takes a number of pictures with all of us. Two with Allie, Staci and I together and another of us sisters. We continue to look around and it is six thirty when we get back to the car. Mother listened for the changing weather forecast and decides we have enough time to get home safely.

It takes a little over an hour and where we live the weather is fairly good. It took time for Staci and Sara to get out and unload at their house. They had done more shopping and buying than the rest of us. When we get to Allison’s house the Ottoman’s wave us into their house. Mrs. Ottoman had planned and prepared a meal for our arrival back. She’s delighted in how I look in the coat she cleaned. “I am so happy that it cleaned up so well for you. It looks like you enjoyed your girl’s day out. Allison already sent me a few pictures. You looked very happy.”

Mrs. Lois Ottoman says, “If your mother doesn’t mind, I’m having you sit next to me and she can sit across from us.”

Story to be continue…

Once we're back home Steph asks to speak with her Mom, “Mother how did you know that Miss. Lee was Eliza Morgan?”

She says, “I saw her speak on television and then as part of an online seminar for women. She is very good and quite knowledgeable.” Steph responds, “I gathered that. She was especially nice to me.”

Mom says, “And I appreciated both her liking you and then backing off as you need time and space to wrestle with yourself. Which brings me to wondering if maybe you should be back to being Steven and not wait until after Christmas or going back to school?”

“What makes you say that I’m finally comfortable being Steph?”

“Well if you want to enjoy Christmas with Staci as her boyfriend, it might be good. Plus the Christmas Eve service will be attended by many people who know you as Steven, not Stephanie. Are you ready for them to see you as a girl?”

“I want to dress up as Steph for the Christmas Eve Service, but you have a good point. Can I still be Steph through tomorrow night and change over Christmas Eve morning?”

“I think you should be changing over tomorrow evening at the latest. I don’t want to spoil your dream-like day, but tomorrow morning would be even better.”

I smile at Mom, “Tomorrow evening, you said that would be okay. Do you think Monday, I could dress as Steph again and enjoy that week as Stephanie? Maybe you could even find someone and we could talk to them about how I feel.”

Mom says, “I’m not sure about next week; let’s wait and see. I better search and call around tomorrow morning to see who we might want to talk with you. I doubt we’re going to get in any place soon.”

Mom asks, “So what did you think about Allison and Staci being with us today?”

“I couldn’t have asked for the day to be any better, even if it had only been to window shop. I wanted to be in a small group. Everyone else seemed to know that all of us together would be fun. I hope Staci isn’t angry with me because Allison spent a lot of time with me. Anyway, it seemed Staci enjoyed being with the older girls.”

“I think that is why you need to be Steven for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.” Mother asks, “Do you understand the importance?”

“I don’t think she would have had as much fun if I was there as Steven. Staci even enjoyed selecting clothes for me to change into.” Mother was silent until I figured what she was saying. “Oh, I guess. And I was still planning that it was Steven giving my gifts to her. It isn’t like I am going to always be Steph but so if we had found something. I thought it would better for me to be a girl as we shopped. I found myself even eating like Staci.”

I was feeling a little uncomfortable, so I asked, “Do you know why Ms. Lee saw me as she did. I thought we were all good girls?” I told my Mom, “When I was fixing my makeup in the women’s restroom. I thought it was normal for girls to notice and compliment something nice like the fragrance of her perfume. I didn’t ask to use it, and I said thank you when she was nice to me.”

Mother says, “She liked you a lot by what she said to me. She was pleased with your thoughtfulness and how you communicated with her. Many girls your age appear as though they already know things and will discount meeting someone like her or pay much attention. She seemed interested in knowing a young woman who is strong like you but is willing to learn from her. I gather she likes giving young women an opportunity to women an opportunity not always given to us.”

I ask, “She wasn’t looking down at us was she? I didn’t pick that up.”

“No she wasn’t,” my mother says. “But she knows what someone can learn from her and that experience could be life-changing. I do not remember how she learned I’m a single parent. But she knows I cannot help you or your sisters as much as I’d like.” What Mom is saying, gets my imagination going.

It isn’t long and I go to bed. I can’t say I went to sleep easily as I was dreaming while my eyes yet open. I don’t think I had fallen asleep when I got up to go pee. I noticed that was close to 3:30 a.m.

I was still tired and sleepy when I got up early in the morning. It was, however, no use in trying to go back to sleep. Haley’s the only one else awake and she smiles and greets me. We sit down and she begins to talk to me about Alec. He’s not her boyfriend at least not yet. She asks what I think of him. “If you were a girl could you see yourself as someone who would like to date him?”

I’m kind of flattered she asked. We are close, but then again we usually just do things together. We don’t talk much, except she sometimes gets talkative. I know what sports he likes, where he likes playing video games and he and his friends usually gather. Like us, he works to help himself. He works at Lowe’s one of the popular building stores. He helps his dad when he can, but working somewhere else and getting someone else’s money makes sense to him.

Haley thanks me for each piece of information. And when I share the last of it, she gives me a big hug and says, “I enjoy talking to you as my sister. If you go out again and I'm willing to help you, please ask.”

I knew she was thinking about something and finally, she asks, “Do you think he’ll be working there today? He says, if he works he starts early.” She pauses, smiles, and asks, “Would you be willing to go there and help me look around. I want to look like I’m shopping there, yet allow him to say hello, even help me if possible.”

I say, “We could go look for a paint like you might want to paint your room and make it special. I don’t know if you’d want me to be going with you. It would look bad for you if he recognizes your brother dressed as a girl.”

She delights me saying, “There’s no way when he sees you that he’s going to be looking for a boy. If we talk I’ll introduce you as my cousin from out of town. Other than ‘Hi’ you don’t need to say anything.”

I am tickled thinking of the possibility. I even think of some nice clothes that aren’t too nice for such a place. I think of tight jeans, but I’m afraid of showing too much. A skirt outfit will probably be better. Mom finds us talking and eating our breakfast.

“So what are you two so busy talking about?”

Haley says, “I want Steph to go with me to where Alec Trewin works. I want to see if we can get him to talk to me. Steph thought we could go with ideas for redecorating my room. I think that is a great idea; what do you think? We’d like to change and go soon. It would be okay to use the other car wouldn’t it?”

Mom says, “For a boy, you’re not yet dating, why do I think you tasted his lips?”

“Mom that’s gross.”

Mom says, “You’re not thinking that?”

I enjoy watching Haley react, “It’s not something a mother should be saying to her daughter. No matter what I’m thinking, a mother doesn’t say that.”

Mom says, “Steph if you’re going with her don’t you think you should get started fixing yourself up. And who are you going to be if he asks?”

“We already agreed I’d be her cousin Stephanie. I thought I could be Stephanie Green from Silver Springs, Maryland.” Haley likes the idea as we have cousins there and they have a friend Leslie Greene. I’m off to change, not wanting to be getting caught up in the adventure and romance of Haley’s.

After I leave to get dressed, Mother asks Haley, “Aren’t you afraid that Steven might be found out and you will be embarrassed?”

Haley giggled, “That’s funny mother, I’m her sister and I don’t usually see Steve when I look at her. I’m kind of embarrassed that my brother can look as attractive as Steph. We’ll be careful. If I can find a color of paint that I like can I buy it?” Haley goes to change and get ready to go find Alec at his workplace.

I see Haley going to her room and ask, “Haley do you have an old pair of leggings that I could wear?” She goes to her room having indicated she wants me to wait. The leggings she brings out are fairly new, but she explains that they have a lot of browns. I already know she doesn’t care for brown.

“You can have these and I don’t want them back. I used them once only to be able to tell Aunt Mollie I wore them.”

I have a long knit sweater dress that Elle discarded to wear with them. The sweater is beige and Haley agrees they’ll work together fine. She shakes her head, “A boy should be ashamed he has the legs that look that good in leggings.” She kind of laughs, to give me a hard time.

“I don’t need to go with you. You can call up a friend or go alone.” I was sure she didn’t want to go alone. I was doing my makeup and hair when she came in with a pair of 2” mules. I am surprised that they fit because her feet are usually a full size smaller.

I finish and I’m ready; even grabbing my fluffy winter coat and ready to go downstairs when Elle comes out of my room. She looks me up and down and says, “How come you came into my room and woke me? And who said you can wear my shoes? You’re already getting worse than Haley.”

I say, “It was Haley who woke you up and got your shoes. I should have guessed when they fit and looked nice that they'd be yours.” Elle smiles, but she’s usually more careful; not wanting me to see her in her teddy bear pajamas. I’m guessing, seeing me as Steph somehow changed that.

She comments, “If she got them does that mean you’re doing something with her this early in the morning?” I say, “Yes.” And she says, “You look good in that outfit, who chose it?”

I feel good and take it all as a compliment. I ask, “I should be back by 10, or 10:30. Do you think you can help me find a gift for Haley?” Elle agrees.

I go hopping down the stairs until the noise of the thick heels and see the skirt bouncing off my legs reminds me not to do it. I have my mother’s attention by the time I get down the stairs. “I see you learned before you made it all the way down." I turn one way and then the other, hoping my mother will compliment how I look.

We are soon out to the car; it’s a rare treat that I’m in the front seat. They usually tease Haley about her crazy driving, but I think she drives well. We were cut off by a crazy driver, but I think my sister handle it well. I tell her, “I’m going to tell Mom how well you handled the car there.” She tells me not to, “Don’t, Mom will still assume I did something wrong.”

“When we get there you can help me find the right aisle, but I don’t want you talking to him. I don’t want to chance he’ll recognize you.” She asks, “Do I want to order glossy or plain paint?

I say, “He doesn’t even know me as Steve. How could he recognize me?” I tell her, “I suggest the satin finish. I think the glossy paint is like for the bathroom or a baby or small child’s room because it’s easier to clean.”

It took us fifteen minutes to get to Lowe’s store. I check my hair and makeup in the drop-down mirror. Haley does the same, but she giggles at my doing it. We go in through the main entrance and back to the middle aisle. This way we can look down the aisles in both directions. It is about seven aisles in that we reach the first of the two paint aisles. This one has stains and painting supplies, like brushes, tape, and paint sprayers. Alec is here, but we decide to go to the second aisle where the paint is along with small display cards showing the different paint colors that are possible.

Haley sees cans of paint marked pink and I tell her we want to look at the cards of paint. Each card has five shades of pink, and there are numerous cards with shades of pink-pink, red pinks, coral pinks, and peachy pinks. She likes the lighter shades of pink and the rose color reddish pinks. Having two different cards of each we decide it’s now time to go to Alec’s aisle.

I think she’s ready to panic, she hesitates as Alec looks up. He smiles seeing Haley and straightens up. “Hi Haley, can I help you?” He looks at me, “Your friend looks like she is related to you, but she’s not your sister. Elle was ahead of me in school I know her.”

Haley usually goes out in groups of girls or girls and boys. I guess she’s still shy and not use to talking to one boy. I can tell she likes him. She wants to flirt a little but stumbles in trying to say anything. “I, I… I’m going to repaint my room and I’m not sure. How does a girl know which pink to get?”

She holds the colors at arm’s length. Alec takes them and is looking at them when he asks, “Do you want the eggshell finish or a semi-gloss?”

She turns to me saying, “I thought I was to ask for a satin finish. Sorry, I probably look silly.” She reaches for the sheets as she wants to turn around and flee away.

Alec is good, he says, “I’m sorry I should have offered the satin finish that’s a good choice. One paint company calls their paint like that ‘eggshell’. It is their samples you’re looking at. I can find your pink in the Olympic paint, they have the satin finish.”

Haley now relaxing, “Why aren’t you playing basketball this year? I thought you played basketball and baseball.”

He says, “It got to be too much with basketball, baseball, and our band. It conflicted too much with the band playing gigs on weekends.” I realize he’s not talking about the school band. “We could have been playing tonight and tomorrow night, but two guys in the band are gone with their families.”

Haley says, “Tomorrow night is Christmas Eve, you don’t play on Christmas Eve.”

Alec says, “We did last year and had a request for this year. That might be why the guys had to go with their families. Me, I have a family friend here. I don’t have a date for myself, don’t worry about him. But he wants to go out tonight.”

I’m frustrated when they talk around the possibility of Haley and a friend going with them. Finally, I say, “Haley has plenty of friends, why don’t you ask her?”

Alec laughs, “Sorry, but I can’t be hitting on customers for dates. I’d be fired if I got caught or the girl complained.” He looks back at Haley, “Now which of the colors do you want me to blend for you.” He says, “This one’s a reddish-pink and that one’s a brighter peachy pink.”

Haley says, “I don’t usually ask boys out, but what if I could find another friend? What did you have in mind for tonight?”

He says, “Casey would like to go someplace we could dance.” Alec has set a machine to mix the first pant sample, when he asks, “Would it be possible for Case to take your cousin here to go dancing tonight?”

Suddenly it is me who’s defensive. “I can’t, I mean her friends are usually a year older. Surely he would want to date one of them.”

Alec says, “I’m not sure of your name or age, but I’m pretty sure he’d like you. That’s important for getting him a date.”

Haley speaks up, “I’m pretty sure it won’t be a problem for us to go with you. But she’s going to be gone tomorrow and Christmas day. My younger brother will be back then.”

I am not sure what to say to get out of this. I kind of like being Steph, on the other hand, I’m hoping Mother will say no. And she thinks I need to get back to being Steve for Staci.

Haley asks, “Do you have a picture of your friend?”

Alec says, “I don’t think so.” But he calls him, saying “Casey, I’ve been asked out and this girl would be your date if you’d like to go out dancing.” Haley asked if Casey can show himself.

Casey says, “She looks very nice and she’s fashion-conscious I like that.” He puts his phone on camera mode. It is hard to tell, but I suspect most girls would find him at least as attractive as Alec.

I am now the one trying to focus on the paint samples which no one else is as interested in any longer. Haley says to me, “Please do me this favor, Steph. You even have a nice outfit that you can wear. It could be a good time for both of us.”

Alec says, “I think you’d like the reddish-pink, but maybe a shade lighter. Why don’t you take and show this to your mother and get her approval.” That helps us to get out of there and I’m very relieved to be going.

We’re going back to the car and Haley gives me a huge hug and cheek kiss. “Thanks, Sis, I owe you.”

I say, “I hope not; I hope mother vetoes everything saying I’m to be changing back.”

I am nervous and need to hurry off to pee once we’re home. That gives Haley a chance to plead her case to our mother about me going on a date. Mother says to me when I get to them. “You knew quite well Stephanie that I want you changing back tonight. Eleven, seven, or five hopefully won’t make much of a difference, but I do not want you to be complaining later. Make sure you shower tonight and again in the morning, do you hear me.”

I am not home long enough to change clothes as Elle’s ready to help me shop for Haley. She doesn’t tell me that Haley wants Elle to buy something for me. I’m thinking of a mini-dress that Haley might enjoy wearing out with Alec or another guy friend. I can’t believe the hot little dress I’m thinking of for her. Elle agrees with me that it is within Haley’s taste and style. She’s a very attractive young person, though she doesn’t usually see herself like that. Being able to buy it and get a gift receipt makes it less traumatic in buying.

We have enough time to do some fun shopping and Elle says she wants more sister time with me. Elle finds a miniskirt at another store with a blouse that we both like. She even gets me to try it on for fun and to see how they look together. She has a friend Millie that she’s thinking of buying it for. I met Millie only once but, I can’t imagine her wearing the outfit. Elle reminds me she knows Millie a lot better. I like changing into it, in the privacy of the changing room. It takes more courage to leave that comfort of the changing area to show my sister. She’s taking pictures to send to her roommate Susan. It’s fun for a moment to get into having a good time until I see two guys staring at us.

I change back and hang the skirt and top on hangers to be placed on a rack to be put back to properly. Elle to my surprise is already at the checkout paying for the outfit in the sizes her friend needs.

Mom has fun with me when I return home as I tell her what I bought for Haley. She says, “I can’t see you buying anything like that for your sister even a week ago.” My Mother then talks seriously with me about my date tonight. “You be careful young lady. You already know what a guy might be thinking.” With her watching, Elle practices with me twirling away from a guy; not depending on him to catch or hold me. It is funny seeing Elle take the other person’s role and me being the girl.

It is four-thirty when I begin getting ready to go out. I know it would be another hour before Steve would get ready. I had talked to Staci about seeing her tomorrow and Christmas Day. She’s cool to me but glad I’ll be back as Steve. When I mention being Steph again during the week, she is a little put-off. She encourages me to remain her Steven in the coming week. “Stephanie is for when I want you as my Barbie/Ken boy. I’m sure we’ll get you dressed up again.”

I take a quick shower, with a girly body wash of Elle’s. The fragrance is very nice, yet not overpowering. I should still be able to use perfume. I washed carefully not to get my hair wet. It is a bit crazy as I’m perfecting tucking my boy parts away and I use a thin pad for extra security. I even remember to pat myself dry leaving my skin soft and moist though it’s not noticeable.

Once I’m back in Elle’s room there is a pink skirt and a silvery top out for me to wear. The panty and bra are what others bought me at Peddler’s Village.

Mom knocks at the door but stays out at my request. “I just wanted you to know I called around and a Doctor Martin Hopps was recommended by two people. I called his office and he’ll see you but that will be in February or late January. But he wants you to see his associate, Dr. Connie, first. “She has an opening this Tuesday at 10:15 at the Cedars office. They say, 'If you come in as Stephanie that would be good for them. So make sure you’re not planning anything in conflict with that.'”

I have pantyhose on and put on the skirt quickly, saying, “Mom, you can come in I’m decent” She’s not going to until I say, “I need your help.” I was ready to put on my blouse, but my bra doesn’t feel right. I am standing in front of her being very serious and my mother is holding back a laugh. She fixes a strap and takes out the socks I’m using as breasts. She says, “They’re close but you should have used one of each sock in each cup to keep the two sides balanced.” They had looked the same to me earlier, but as mother helps fix them, the difference is noticeable. She points out that this blouse has more buttons closer together. “Among other things they’ll help keep a boy’s hand out of there.”

Mother and Elle are in and out as I’m doing my makeup. Elle reminds me to use little dots of concealer and foundation but chides me for not using enough color for evening wear. I had to clean off one eye as I went too heavy. Mother says, “You don’t need more mascara but let me use some more on you.” Mother explains that she wants my eyes noticeably different from Steven’s.

Haley and I are both ready early and I’m tempted to go back and put leggings on. The day had been cold enough and I’m already finding my legs too cold. But mother tells me not to as she thinks the guys are here. The car does pull in to the driveway and she says Casey looks slightly taller. Elle says both guys are buff and even show a little class. Everyone allows them to get to the house and ring the doorbell. Haley answers the door and welcomes them into the house. Both of them notice when our mother enters the room. Casey thanks her for letting him take me out on such short notice.

Without missing a cue, ur mother says, “You better be good to the girls and not take any allowances. I have to answer to her mother and dad if something should happen.” She turns to Alec, “It is nice to meet you, young man. I’ve seen you about and know your family, but I don't think we've met.”

Alec pretty much said the same thing. “I even know Steven from some dances coming with Staci Miller. I’m better at noticing the girls. I know some of their boyfriends good enough to recognize them.”

Mom says, “Her parents are bringing back Steve in the morning when they pick up Stephanie. They’re both named for the same great grandfather.”

Casey says, “Nothing against your daughter Mrs. Hammond but I’ll be very happy to take your niece out. I guess I need to thank Haley for finding me this attractive date.” Alec says he knows her friends and Steph is as beautiful and as personable as any he’s met. Casey walks over to me and soon after he takes my hand my hand is at his back and his arm is around my waist.

I want to laugh as he helps me with my coat. He’s wearing a fall jacket which it is easy to tell that he’s in very good shape. We’re walking out the door saying, when mother adds, “Stephanie, you’re like a third daughter to me. Have a great time, but.” She didn’t say anything more. Getting in and scooting over in the vehicle; I notice similar feelings to when I was with Brad. We’re going to Demetri’s…

To be continued…

I want to laugh as Casey helps me with my coat. He’s wearing a fall jacket which makes it easy to tell he’s in very good shape. Walking out the door saying my mother adds, “Stephanie, you’re like a third daughter to me. Have a great time, but.” She didn’t say anything more.

Sitting in and scooting over in the vehicle; I notice similar feelings to a time before. We’re going to Demetri’s, I’m having second thoughts, but it might not be as others would think. I watch as Casey gets in and smiles at me. He says, “It would be good to know you a little better.”

I find myself thinking about who I’d like Stephanie to be. 'Casey, I’m a B student in my junior year of school. I like the chorus at school and music wherever, lots of music. My friends and I usually go out in a group.' ‘I’m wondering if he might quiz me.’ 'I’m good at history and I like to go shopping.' I’m happy as I understand the rolling of Casey’s eyes about a girl and shopping.

I listen to Casey telling me, “I’m a senior in college two years ahead of most my age. I’m very computer savvy and could be further ahead, but I have a weakness for pretty girls like you and going out with them. I like staying in shape and playing, not watching sports”

Haley says, “Steph aren’t you going to thank him or at least give him a small kiss for that compliment?”

I hadn’t thought of it, “Haley, he was talking about the girls he usually goes out with.”

Casey turns to me, “You’re as cute as any girl that I’ve dated.” He takes my hands, saying, “I know you’re shy, but I think I could fall for one of your kisses.”

I felt I needed to kiss him and say thanks. I try to kiss his cheek but he moves as I am leaning forward to kiss him. His arms are warm, inviting not forceful as Brad’s often are. He says thanks as I move back, and except for one hand holding each other, he lets go.

Haley asks, “How was that? Was it better than Brad’s?”

I’m silent and Casey smiles, “Don’t worry she’s jealous.” My face twitches to Haley to indicate I’m upset. I say, “Thanks” to Casey.

The night is not terribly cold but wearing a skirt with light stockings and I’m getting cold. Casey feels me shivering and pulls me to him in a hug. “I’m not trying to be too forward; I just sense you’re cold.”

Haley turns her head, “She’s not used to wearing stockings and being dressed up so pretty. I told her she should wear tights or leggings.”

We’re soon at Demetri’s and Casey is holding my door and offering his hand. I’m trying not to like him too much, but alas I’m being treated and feel like a princess. I’m lost in a girlhood fantasy for the night. We’re taken to a nice table, where both Casey and the waiter are treating me like a lady.

Once we order, Haley informs me, we’re going to the women’s room. There is a woman there, though at first, I don’t understand why. She holds out numbers and it becomes apparent, we’re to let her watch our purses. Once I’m at the sink she hands me a warm moist cloth. I washed at the sink rubbing my hand with the cloth. It saddens me as I look into the mirror and see a small smear of lipstick. I look to the woman wondering if I dare use my cloth to clean my lips.

She smiles and her simple gesture encourages me. Having made it worse she comes to me with a tissue and my purse. With my permission, she helps clean off the area so delicately. “You are much too attractive to blemish your evening now.” I find my makeup and make the repairs to my makeup. The woman says, “You’re most beautiful.” I take my purse looking for a tip, the smallest I have is five dollars which is big from my point of view, but I put it in her basket. She politely says, “Gracias.”

A simple appetizer is served; two thin crackers each, a slice of cheese, and thinly slice meat. I know it is special as is the grape cocktail juice served like wine. I take a sip I know why Haley and my glasses have only half that of Casey’s. We have had wine at home so there is no worry.

The meal is nice as I’m taken with my conversation with Casey.

Soon we’re next door to their dance lounge. Casey’s close and sometimes bumping off me as we dance. Most dances end with us holding hands or me being wrapped in his arms for a kiss. Later during a slow song when we’re close his hands begin to slide down my back. It’s only when his hands begin to slide down on my buns and I ask him to stop. Which he does. Casey says, “I’m not planning on going too far, but I’d like you to tell me if a simple squeeze of you doesn’t feel bad for either of us. The next song when we dance, let me know when to stop.”

I don’t respond as we sit to relax and visit. I’m not around older guys smooth-talking their dates, but Casey is very flattering. His hand once touches my knee but it went no further nor stayed there. We walk around and I’m thinking I have a date as handsome as anyone. In my princess-like state, I’m feeling good about that.

Soon we are dancing again and I find myself having fun, we are comfortable with each other. When a slow dance comes I find my hands wrapped up around his shoulders.

I pay attention as his hands begin at the small of my back. It is only when they slip fully down onto my buns that I say in a whisper, “Enough.” He begins to bring his hands back up and I feel the desire to say, “No that was enough, you don’t need to…” His hands slip back fully upon me and I give him a small kiss. He brings his hands up and hugs me as he twirls me around one. He gently sets me down and says, “Thank you, I am really enjoying our night together… I’m sad that you’ll be leaving tomorrow. Is there no chance you’ll be coming back or staying?”

I know I must look foolish staring up at him saying nothing. I become afraid as I’ve become excited. I hurry back to our table and take a drink. Making sure I have two pieces of ice in my mouth, I’m hoping I’ll cool down. Casey comes asking if I’m okay. I apologize saying, “I know I’m too young for you to take me seriously, but I like tonight very much and you too much.”

Casey hugs me, “I’m flattered and while I don’t think you’re too young, I understand not to push you.” He picks up his coat so I’ll be warm as we walk outside. I find myself walking like a girl holding a boy’s hand. I feel good about having girl-like feelings for Casey. The only thing I feel bad about is I’m not a real girl. Before we go back in I feel the desire to give him as nice of a kiss and hug as a girl that I can.

I am now glad Mom set me a curfew time. I know Haley’s wishing I wasn’t along so she could stay out a little later. It is embarrassing when the guys take us to the door and it is Casey who more strongly kisses me than Alec kisses Haley. It is also the only time I felt his tongue come more than to the edge of my lips.

Haley needs not to worry as I’m sure Alec has asked her out again.

I’m glad when I hear Haley touching the door handle and we break our kiss. Casey says, “Please let me know if you come back this week.”

I’m hoping he didn’t hear, as the door was closing, Haley said, “She might be!”

Mother enters the room saying, “She might what? Which of you said that?” I sit down surprising myself that I am not walking away embarrassed or feeling guilty.

Haley says, “Casey asked Steph to call him if she came back this week. All I said was, she might be back. The door was closing so he might not have heard that.”

Mother looks to me and says, “Well what do you have to say?”

“It went well, it was kind of nice to be treated special with a night out. Casey was nice, end of the story.”

Haley quickly says, “He was more than nice as you were to him.” We’re about to get into an argument as mom interrupts us.

“Haley why don’t you take a shower and get ready for bed.” She turns to me, “You, young woman stay and we’ll talk.”

“I’m not a girl.”

Mother says, “I see Stephanie in front of me and she’s the one who went out for the evening. You’re not in trouble, so no attitude, please. I am just interested. I thought with your sister gone, you might feel free to talk.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I pause hoping she’ll sit down with me. Which she does. Mom asks me how many times I redid my lipstick. “Two, but I guess. I was treated so nice, I came to feel like a princess. I liked it, Mom. I know I shouldn’t. I’m not a,” I pause.

Mom asks “You are not a what?”

“I’m not gay Mom, at least I don’t want to be.” I like it. We’re talking, I even tell her I kissed Casey. The most Mom did was to hug me and reassure me I could say more.

Finally, she says, “You know you could have been Haley or Elle for all you said. Please be open to saying how you feel now when you meet the counselor’s assistant Tuesday.” Mom asks, “Who did you feel like when you were dancing or kissed Casey?”

Initially, I wondered what Mom was asking, “I feel like me.” She asks, “Steph or Steven?”

I then say, “I was Steph of course.”

“So you felt like a girl and not a boy when you kissed or felt excited?” I didn’t tell her I got aroused; I’m sure she said it just to let me know. “What did you like about Casey?”

“He’s sensitive yet nice and strong. How he treated me was kind of flattering. I’m not sure if he was really interested but he listened. It wasn’t all about him. It feels kind of nice to be liked by a university guy like him.” I shake my head, “But I hope he won’t call back to see if Stephanie’s here.”

Mom says, “Why would that be?” I’m quiet too long. “Are you afraid you’d let him go too far and get caught?”

“How would you know that,” I ask? “A mom shouldn’t even ask that.”

She says, “Because I was a girl after a date like you are now? You kept yourself out of trouble once. You’re not really sure you would want to if theirs and next time.”

“I guess you were a girl too, but it’s me, not Elle or Haley. I’m a boy I shouldn’t have those feelings.”

Elle’s home, Mom knows, not me, how long she’s been there, if or what she heard. Elle says, “You looked very attractive tonight. He only saw a girl, so is this about the feelings you have?” Now I want to run but don’t, I always like what Elle has to say.

“Yes, if you need to know; I kind of felt like a princess with him.” I wait for Elle to say something negative or make fun of what I said. Elle sits across from me in another chair. I move around to sit on my legs curled up, I want to be able to see Mom and Elle. Once Haley’s out too, I start to stand up to leave.

Elle says, “She's your sister too, or should I say, you’re her sister too?”

Haley says, “Steever must have shared. Steph didn’t do anything a girl needs to be ashamed of. For the hot guy she was with she did really well. He was falling for Steph. If she was around tomorrow I’m sure he would have found religion by tomorrow night and invited himself to church with us.”

Changing the conversation, I ask, “How was it with your date? Is Alec going to ask you out again?”

She says, “He’s as nice as I thought actually better, especially after he insisted that we leave you two alone. I’m not sure if he figured out who you are?”

Mother asks, “What makes you think that?”

Haley says, “He asked me twice where Steven was? He said the last time I saw Steve with Staci he didn’t have earrings. I told him Staci insisted he gets a pair. But I’m afraid we might have arched his eyebrows too much.”

I ask again, “Is Alec your boyfriend now?”

Haley says, “I’m sure we’ll date again, time will tell.”

“Once the guys of the band are back; they’ll have to practice for both Friday and Saturday night. He asked me to go with him to their New Year’s Eve gig. Mom, will that be okay?”

It is before 6:30 in the morning when my mother wakes me up. “Stephanie’s leaving and Steven needs to show and get back into his duds. Once you shower, dress and eat breakfast I do have a girl thing you can do.”

She won’t tell me what it is. Finally, I’m at the breakfast table and Elle and Haley are both eating breakfast as well. Elle’s very certain she knows the girl thing and tells Haley who guesses she’s right.

Mom comes walking through carrying clothes from the dryer. “Steven come and help me. I’ll show you how to fold and hang girls’ clothing. Come eleven-thirty, I call Staci and go over to her house taking my Christmas present for her. I borrowed ten dollars from Mom so I could also get Staci a $25 gift card.

Staci’s Father, Paul Miller answers the door. “Hello Steve, it is nice to see you. I hear someone else has been here to see Staci. You’re welcome to go with us tonight to the Christmas Eve Candlelight Service. I’d be a bit afraid of someone recognizing Stephanie. That would ruin my Christmas. If Steph is here with Staci sometime during the break that would be fine, but please not tonight or tomorrow.”

I put the Christmas present under their tree and I’ve tied the gift card onto the ribbon. Staci asks and her mother is also waiting to hear my answer, “What time are you coming over tomorrow?”

I say, “We’ll open gifts in the morning and I should stay around to eat Christmas dinner with my family. I’ll be here after that probably around 1:30.”

Mrs. Miller says, “Please do not stuff yourself at home as I expect you to eat with us around 5:00. Both sets of grandparents will be here as well as Sarah’s boyfriend and Rodney and his fiancée, Renae. She’s quite an attractive young lady; she might even let you see a picture of her wedding gown.”

I say, “I am sure that it is beautiful and that I’d enjoy seeing it.”

Staci elbows me in the ribs, whispering, “Boys don’t usually like those things. Think before you speak.”

Her mother asks, “Staci, could you and Steven go get us some things at the grocery store?”

When she goes to get her shoes and coat. Mrs. Miller asks me, “Would you do me a favor and buy a few stocking stuffers for Staci, Sarah, and Renae for me.” I say yes before reading her list. “When you get to Kohl’s just tell Staci you need 30 minutes to do me a favor without her. She can go and look at coats or women’s sportswear.”

Mrs. Miller has sizes and other information that I need as well as suggestions for fragrances. The money she entrusts to me suggests the gifts will be costly. I’m guessing the more expensive things are fragrant perfumes. She includes a picture of Renae which I’m sure is to help me with something.”

Staci had a good size list of things to get at the grocery store and she enjoyed ordering me around. She would tease me as she walked close to me, saying, “You should smile more; a girl like you should enjoy grocery shopping.”

“Be quiet!”

She teases, “You think others can’t see that you’re becoming a girl? You need to learn to be a good girl. Does your mother have you shopping with her yet?”

I say, “It was my mother who insisted I need to be Steve today and tomorrow with you. You know I like being your boyfriend!”

Staci asks, “Is that why you’re still wearing girl’s panties?”

“I am not; you’re just guessing and you know it.” Staci’s hand is at the top of my belt and I’m afraid she’ll reach down for my underpants. I knew I shouldn't have worn them.

We were to get another fresh vegetable and I’m the one who chooses the asparagus spears. I am not a big fan of asparagus but I know they’re considered special. I’ll eat anything that might impress Staci.

Once we’re done shopping there we go to Macy’s to shop. I tell Staci we’re to go to Kohl’s but she insists that she’s right and that Macy’s has more selections of what she likes.

I ask her to help me, select a perfume for Rodney’s fiancée. I am to get 1.3 ounces but Staci insists on a 2.3 oz. bottle. I tell her to leave me alone but she insists she’s to help me to buy her a red satin print blouse for Renae, with selecting both gifts done. Staci shows me what she and her Sarah like as well.

I didn’t show her my list, but somehow I think she knows what I’m to get as well. Again I send her to look elsewhere. I call her mom but she doesn’t answer the phone. I’m to get both Staci and Sarah .75 oz. bottle as less expensive perfumes. Unfortunately, that is not what Staci pointed out to me. I already decided to get 1.2 oz. bottles for both of them. I couldn’t find help nor a less expensive perfume like her mom wanted.

Before I bought them I went to find the teddy bear pajamas Mrs. Miller wants me to buy. A salesgirl came to help me. Seeing my list she took me to the counter where those pajamas were. They already were all picked over. She said if I paid five dollars more I could get better pajamas. She even had me feel the inside of the pajama panties like I knew what was better. It embarrassed me as I could see the difference but there was not much there. They were slightly heavier and much prettier. The cups of the top that Sarah would get were nicer for a teen with her figure. The salesgirl having seen my list says, “Since I see you have another woman on your list. I suggest you get her the free pair of pajamas.” She jokes that I could get the free pair for myself. She enjoys it when I turn red.

Between the perfume and pajamas and satin top I barely had enough money and knew I was to have spent less. I paid, fifty dollars of my own money.

I then went to find Staci and I looked at several places before I got to the cosmetic counters and found Staci there. I could see she had played around with some makeup and like usual she looks prettier than before. “Do you have enough to buy each of us women a lip-gloss?”

She insists her mother won’t mind, which I tend to believe. But I say, “I don’t want to buy three lip-glosses just so you get the one you like. Maybe the others wouldn’t like them or don’t need them.” She only confirms I have enough money. She insists she wants to show me the one she’s getting.

She says, “Close your eyes and don’t open them until I put the lip-gloss on.” I agree and I soon feel the lip-gloss being spread over my lips. I open my eyes, but that didn’t stop her from completing what she was doing.

Two young women compliment me for being patient and how cute I look. I begin to speak, but Staci insists I wait until it dries. By that time the college girl takes several pictures and giggles she’s posting them. I didn’t hear that until later when Staci tells her sister.

It isn’t until we get back to Staci’s house that I begin to relax. Mrs. Miller is amused, saying, “I was pretty sure she would get you to spend more. I’m comfortable with that as I can tell her father that I asked you to do me a favor.

I sat down in a chair to watch a bowl game that Mr. Miller was watching. He had left for a minute to get a snack and drink. He keeps looking over to me and I’m happy as we’re finally talking. It is over a half-hour before he says something negative. “Steve, I told you earlier I don’t want you wearing or doing anything that will draw attention to us.” I acknowledge that and wait. He says, “Why then are you wearing that lipstick? It’s driving me crazy will you please take it off.”

Rodney has come into the room and jokes, “You know Dad, I think it looks very attractive on him.” His finance Renae comes out of the kitchen as I try wiping the lip-gloss off. She reaches into her purse and gets a cloth to wipe my lips. “Come with me, you don’t need those Neanderthals watching us.” She wipes off my lips as my handkerchief wasn’t very successful.

She says, “I hear you selected part of my stocking gifts. I’m looking forward to seeing what you selected. And I think Staci is quite taken with you.”

“I think she’s being nice to me, not wanting to drop me as her boyfriend at Christmas time.”

“She’s agreed to go with you to the groups at the university, didn’t she? I know, I’m not to know. But would she be going there if she didn’t care a lot about you?”

She says, “I think as long as she gets enough of you Steve. She’ll love having you as her boyfriend.” Renae kisses my cheek saying, “Okay you’re ready to go out to see who wins the game.”

“Well, I better get home so I can change and get back to go to the Christmas Eve service. My Mom and both my sisters are going to come with us.”

I am tickled to be talking to Renae as she’s both attractive and mature. She says, “I will be looking forward to seeing them. Before you leave, can you tell me how long you’ve been in touch with your girly side? I wish more boys would have the courage to do that.”

I’m wondering if I should say, ‘Years ago and that I love to crossdress…’ “I don’t really know why but I thought to try it about two weeks ago.”

“Staci said, you shaved your legs and that your mother even bought some girl clothes for you. You don’t need to make things up for me. You seem to be a normal person and not someone crazy.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just I suppose most people do think I’m crazy or something. I plan to go back to being myself.”

“If that’s what you want to do, I suspect it might be easier that way. I will see you later and again tomorrow I hope.” She says, “You better get going if you are going to be back here or with your family for church services.”

When I am at home, Elle meets me and tells me to get showered and change. Just put an undershirt on for now. Wait until you finish eating before you get completely dressed. Mom says you only have two good dress shirts… I told mother I had one that might fit you.”

“If I wear a blouse tonight I think Mr. Miller would be awfully angry at me.”

Elle says, “I have several shirts; I bet Haley does too, but hers might be too tight on you. Girls can wear boy’s clothes; it might not be fair but they can.”

I found going to the Christmas Eve Service with it ending at midnight with Communion to be very special. I said a little prayer, “O God, you know all about me. I pray that your Son came into the world for me too. Amen.”

To be continued…

I’m in the car riding in the back seat with Staci, with Mr. Miller watching us in the mirror. Staci whispers, “I bet my Dad doesn’t know you’re wearing a camis. Is it your sister’s?”

I’m shocked and look up to the mirror glad he wasn’t looking at that moment. “Why are you so quiet back there,” her mother asks? “Staci, what are you whispering about?”

I’m holding my breath, worried about what she might say. Sarah speaks up, “Staci says she can still see a little of Stephanie in Steven. I think he’s worried our Dad is going to be angry.”

She asks, “Mom, would it be okay if I polish his nails before they go home tonight?”

“You can’t, we have Christmas with my family tomorrow morning and dinner at noon. Your mom has invited me to be here with Staci and your family’s Christmas.”

Sarah teases her father, “Dad, you would mind if Steve’s a girly-boy when he comes over tomorrow?”

Dad didn’t hear it all as there was a distraction as he drove. He responded, “Whatever you want Staci within reason. It will be good to have your boyfriend over.”

His wife Julie says, “Paul what are you saying, you don’t mind how Steven presents himself tomorrow?”

“It’s still going to be Steven isn’t it; please let me drive the streets are slick. I need to concentrate.”

“Don’t worry Mom; I want it to be Steven tomorrow. Though if Sarah can do some of her fancy work on his fingernails; I wouldn’t mind that. I even think Grams would see that as cute in a way.”

Once back at their house, Sarah took hold of me and ran up to her room. There she gave me red and green fingernails with white French tips. It looks more festive for the holiday than feminine. Neither Mom nor the Millers complained. As we’re leaving Sarah came over and whispers to me. I hope tomorrow there will be a little of Stephanie under your slacks and shirt. But I’m warning you not to wear a white blouse with a bright green or red camis underneath it.”

I told the two sisters, “I’m going to come tomorrow purely as Steven for you Staci.”

Sarah says, “I am sure she already likes the way Steph is hiding underneath your clothes. And I hope you won’t take off your nail polish.”

We were soon home and I got ready for bed. I went down to say goodnight to my Mom and she handed me a gift, “I thought you might rather I give this to you before your grandparents open gifts with us tomorrow.” I open it and it is a pair of satin teddy bear pajamas.

I kiss her and in Steph’s voice say, “Thanks, Mommy.” I go back, take a shower, and change into my satin pajamas.

Come Christmas morning, I’m up early because I got used to it as Steph. I am soon down getting a cup of tea and a piece of sweet bread with mom. I’m still down there at 8:30 when Grams knocks on the door and comes walking in. Mom says, “I thought you didn’t want her to see you like that?”

Grams was there watching me as I ran for my bedroom, that is instead of offering to help Gramps with the packages. I’m quick to get out of the teddies and pulled out my underwear. Unfortunately, I didn’t expect my panties to be on top, nor Heidi’s old camis. I have them both on and I’m pulling my jeans on when Grams knocks and enters the room. With a smile, she asks as she sits, “How is my young granddaughter doing?”

“I’m sorry Grams, it was a funny joke that got out of hand.”

“You don’t appear like you’re hurt by it. You know, most boys would be furious. Come here and let me hug you before you finish getting dressed and cover everything up.” Grams sees my nails and the studs in my ears. I was happy that she got up and left my room without saying anything more.

Gramps joked about my fingernails as I gave him a handshake. He says, “It looks like you’re learning early that a girl can get you to do strange things.” He smiles, “When I was growing up a boy could get beat up for something like that.”

I say, “They still can Gramps.”

My first present from my grandparents is a slim pair of jeans. After Grams asked me to try them on. Grandpa says, “Boy, you’re so thin and with those fingernails, you could be a younger version of Elle.” Elle and Heidi are both coming back into the room with new outfits on. Grams has very good taste for a grandma.

Grandma asks Elle, “Your Gramps thinks Steven could look like a younger you do you in the slim jeans I gave him, do you think he does?”

Elle smiles, “Yes, sometimes like now, I can see Stephanie move than Steve. I am sure his girlfriend Staci thinks it too. That’s why his fingernails got painted for Christmas.”

After the presents were opened Grams ordered me to her side and I could tell something changed. “Hold out your right hand Steven; palm side down!” I smelled a strange odor and before I realized what it was it was too late. Grams had two fingernails and then a third wet with the nail polish remover and a cotton ball.

“Grams, what are you doing. I was going to wear them over to my girlfriend’s house this afternoon.”

She smiled, “You’re a good looking young man Steven. Surely you don’t want to be seen as more girly than she is. I love your fine features but we do not want you to look like a girl now, do we?” I wondered, who the ‘we’ were? Mom was surprised when she came in to see the commotion, but wouldn’t say anything to her mom.

I was sure Mom was going to show her pictures of me on our shopping trip. That didn’t happen. Mom asked me to be quiet and be respectful for now to my grandma.

Christmas Day at home and with the Millers was quite nice, but I can’t say for me it was a Merry Christmas.

My appointment Tuesday with Dr. Spriggs did not quite go the way I was hoping. She told my mother, “I think we need a time for Steven to be staying as himself and that he needs to undergo counseling and some medical and psychological exams. If he’s really transgender that will become more obvious. If it does happen, we will be supportive of him. It is more likely that he was a guy exploring and pushing boundaries which it most usually is. The reality is that most of us are not purely male or female. Please read and study the difference between human sexuality and gender identity.”

I was allowed to dress as Stephanie on New Year’s Eve both my girlfriend Staci and Allison who knew of me were both happy to see me again. After they helped me change and do my makeup and hair, we were able to go out for a while as three girlfriends.

The other time was when Elle and I went on the Ellie Goulding concert trip. Each of the singers who won a contest got to sing their song and one of Goulding’s songs on the way up to the concert. The concert and trip helped me to solidify my resolve to not let go of myself as Stephanie.

My sister Elle informed me she knew I had been back into her closet. “You know Steph that Mom knows a little of what you’re doing. She told me two pieces of my clothing ended up in the laundry after I was back at college. She hopes you’re telling your counselor and not doing it too much.”

I ask, “Why doesn’t Mom say that to me?”

Elle, “She’s afraid you’ll begin to do it more. She’s supposed to be our Mom insisting we do what we’re told. As the doctor said, you’re to be spending this time purely as Steven.”

“I have been except for last weekend when Mom was out.”

“That’s not quite true Stephanie. I could tell most of your skirts and dresses have been worn again, or am I wrong?”

We were on our way up to the concert and I say, “Shush, I don’t want the others to hear.”

A girl sitting behind us was listening in, “It’s not like any of us here are going to mind you’re a Tgirl. If you want, at the concert I can be like your girlfriend. My girl couldn’t come.”

Hearing the live concert of Ellie Goulding is like a rocking thunderstorm with colored lights instead of lightning and her voice as the rain. It’s extra nice as we go backstage after the concert to see her hoping for autographs. I like how she’s in such good shape, watching her body move in a fluid motion. She asks, “Who has the music for their song?”

Amy, the girl seeing me as a girlfriend offers me. “She has, she sings Taylor Swift’s, ‘Teardrops on My Guitar’. Ellie even sang with me once I’m halfway through it. It is like we’re across from one another singing sharing the same microphone. She knows I’m mesmerized as we sing together. I hug her as we finish the song and then realize I probably shouldn’t have.

Ellie says, “Don’t let anyone ever tell you, you’re not a woman.” She holds me there; “It’s not obvious, someone told me I should hear you. They said you haven’t been back to their place.” She gives me two of her CDs and signs one of the discs.

We’re to this hotel to sleep until the early morning but my sister and I stay in the lounge visiting with others. We choose to sleep on the bus after breakfast, on the way home.

It was several weeks later my Mom and Dr. Spriggs confront me. “We needed to pressure you to be Steven and see how you handled things.” Dr. Spriggs, “I really do want to encourage you to remain as Steve until your spring or holiday break. If you feel as strongly then about Stephanie; we will consider you having times you can come to the university or go singing as Stephanie. It will be a full five months maybe six before we’ll think about Stephanie having a twenty-four-seven experience. Is that fair enough?” It really wasn’t a question but a statement about how it was to be.

My sister Elle had already invited me to go with her during spring break. I said yes to Mom and Dr. Spriggs, but I fully intend to be Stephanie most of the time during spring break.

The following week I begin attending sessions with Brianna and Hope again at the university. It was the week after that that Allie Ottoman came with me. I had gone to Allie’s after school and changed to be Steph. Her mom took us to the university and picked us up as well. The next week I went here to the group program then would travel to Elle’s college on a campus visit. Our school and hers both start spring break that Friday.

It’s humorous to me as I had wanted to go for a special college day with Elle, but they only had opportunities for sisters or nieces and female cousins. The women in Elle’s living complex had to sign-off for me to be there as Stephanie a Tgirl. I got to visit with one of their Psychologists on Thursday morning, while Elle was at a lab class for environmental sciences.

Dr. Angela Stover met with me; I’m guessing she’s in her early thirties. She knows and respects Dr. Spriggs. She seemed quickly to identify that my desire to be Stephanie has been long-standing and deeply rooted in me. Angela encourages me not to wrestle about if I’m a Tgirl, “You should be stretching yourself to make sure you’re doing more than being a woman in the stereotypical ways.” She says, “You can be Steven and still be a Tgirl. Do you want to fully change including your body to be Stephanie full-time? Or to what extent do you need time to explore who you are?”

She, like the news mentioned this morning, said the gulf shore area where Elle usually goes was having traumatic storms. It was helpful; though I had not been wanting to hear it: “Dr. Spriggs has done you a good service in pressing you to have time as Steven.”

I had blood work drawn after breakfast and Dr. Angela asks, “Do you know how different your hormone levels are from the average high school males. You seem to have more aromatase activity that is not usual for a high school male. Your testosterone activity should be at or going towards its highest levels in your body at this time. While your estrogen and progesterone levels should be minimal. Actually, I’m not familiar with hearing about male progesterone or luteinizing hormone levels. I think of it as helping young women in triggering ovulation. I hope you’re not going to tell me you’ve had a period recently.”

The idea initially is gross to me. Angela tells me, “I don’t think any boy is going to want the cramps or bloating that many girls experience.”

I say, “But if it means someone like me was really a girl, I think we might count it worthwhile.” She told me, it was much more likely to mean that your blood sample somehow got contaminated or mixed up with someone else.”

When Elle got back to her apartment, she laughed at the thought of the mix-up with my blood sample. She said, “Whether it was contaminated or mixed up, it does not bode well with that clinic. I sure hope Planned Parenthood continues to be funded so I can continue to use it.”

She says, “There are two girls from our sorority house that want to take you on a tour of the house and campus yet this afternoon. They should be here shortly. They want you dressed so they can take you out.”

“But I thought we’re to be getting ready to leave early in the morning?”

Elle says, “I’m not wanting to go against two sisters’ request. Besides I thought you’d kind of enjoy being out with them.”

I check what I have out and haven’t already worn; a blueprint skater dress is jumping out at me. Steve’s mind is yelling no way. I am holding it up when Elle knocks and steps in. “I see you changed your mind and that you’re wanting to go out with them. …They called and said they should be here in five to ten minutes.”

“You might want to wear your sheer pair of leggings in case it gets cool out tonight.” They’re white and would set off my legs at night if the lights catch them. I try them on with the skater dress. While I’m uncomfortable about the possibility of guys looking at me, I am excited about how I look. I borrow Elle’s heels and I’m hurrying to do my makeup. Stormy, as she’s called, comes all the way in to where I’m doing my makeup.

You don’t need to get fancy for the tour, instead pack what you need in your purse and let’s get going. You can fancy up later in my room with me. That’s if you’re not afraid.” I can’t believe she’s saying that as she is a knockout. Her complexion is so even that it radiates beauty. We step out to Elle together and there’s Nancy Hamilton who looks to be statuesque blue blood. Stormy turns to me, “And you were jealous of me, now what do you have to say?”

“I can’t go anywhere with the two of you.”

Nancy says, “I have a dress you’ll want to be out in after I show you a surprise I have for you.” She wouldn’t even give me a hint about what that might be. It is two-thirty after we leave the sorority house. We’ve seen the main floor of two buildings; one with a mammoth lecture hall. I thought it was an auditorium at first. But then I remembered that was on the other side of the campus. The second building had a state of the art communication/computer hall that accommodates up to fifteen hundred people. The third building is where we meet Adrienne Storm an associate of Admissions. She welcomes me, “One it is so nice to meet you, your sister speaks well of you. I do not know if you know siblings of students here qualify for a special student rate as well as some other grant opportunities.

I think I saw over a dozen buildings as well as took two evaluation assessments for Ms. Strong. She told me she’d have one result that she’d soon send me. I wasn’t sure what soon meant.

Once we’ve seen ten more buildings, we’re back to Stormy and Nancy’s suite at the sorority house, and there is a message to call Elle or Mom. Afraid, it might be bad news; I call Elle, asking, “What happened?” I was expecting her to ask if I was sitting down and with someone.

“You’re being offered a Presidential scholarship to come to Northwestern’s Academy next year for their focused program one year and to be offered a Presidential Scholarship to attend Northwestern University beginning the following year. …Mom got the message fifteen minutes ago and she’s ecstatic for you if it is what you want.”

“She was taken back by the fact that you had met with Admissions as Stephanie. She asked if you were going on spring break with me as Steph.”

“I apologized to Mom, saying it was my idea.

“I think Mom is accepting of that. She said she knew you had been dressing as Stephanie. That it was the expected behavior from what Dr. Spriggs said if Steph is more you.”

Interrupting I ask, “Then why did they make me focus on being Steven?”

Elle sits me down, “You mean you really don’t know? Have Mom and I studied about this more than you?” I’m wondering what she’s talking about. I’m feeling more like a lab experiment.

“No, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just being me. I didn’t want to go against what the doctor said or what I agreed with Mom about being Steven.”

Elle smiles, “I’ve been reading a lot about you possibly being transgender. Some of the reading seems like I’m reading your story. Though it took some getting used to that you and I could both see some guys attractive.

She says, “Speaking of that I noticed you looking at someone that I thought was incredibly handsome as we went across campus this morning.”

I reply, “There was one, but what I liked, he seemingly didn’t see himself as anything special.”

Elle said, “He knows me and called to find out who you are. I told him we’d likely be going to the Wharf tonight. It’s a university hang-out.”

“You mean you set me up with a college guy. I bet you didn’t tell Mom that.” I shake my head, “I can’t believe you did that. Did you tell him I’m your little sister?”

I go over to Stormy’s room as she’s to redo my makeup. Stormy throws me a dress saying, “Try this on, it should be big enough that it will hug you nicely. Oh, Nancy has a surprise for you. ”

Nancy tells me I need to strip to my bra, and only then does she show me faux breasts noticeably larger than I’m wearing. She even has a solution to take off the forms I’m wearing. Once my chest is cleaned and dried. The new forms are quickly set in place and adhere to my chest. Nancy can blend the makeup for the seams so they are invisible.

Once I’ve changed and show Stormy the dress she gave to me. She kneels in front of me and goes under my skirt to pull down my pantyhose. “You look marvelous but the pantyhose is all wrong for this dress. I have a pair that will be much better.”

I was already trying to hold down my dress and stop what she was doing. Then I realized in her thinking she was not invading me, just helping. My hands relaxed though it was hard. I was being accepted as a girl into the world of women. When I tear, Stormy apologized. I said, “Please don’t apologize, your caring moved me, I am grateful.”

She said, “I heard Jake Higgins called to know who you are. He’s been much too shy for his own good. Others will want to know how you wooed him to speak up and call.”

I put on the pantyhose, she gave me. I hadn’t seen how the other pair looked, but I know enough that this pair compliments my legs and coloring better with this dress.

Nancy appreciated that I was moved by the difference and thankful to Stormy. She said, “You’re the little sister to our sister. That makes you our little sister. Would you consider our sorority if you come here?”

I say, “You don’t know what you’re asking?”

Nancy says, “Did you forget that we signed something accepting you to stay with us? If you did, wait until I get you up for a shower in the morning. The difference will only be out shown for your acceptance.” Nancy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I was worrying that we were late in getting out. Elle reminds me this is a college community, not high school, social life starts a bit later and lasts longer.

My notions of seeing Elle and Janice just as friends who went out together. Well, tonight it was me being challenged more to see Janice as my sister’s love.

I felt foolish that I had not realized that before. Here I am accepting who I am, and being accepted by others. But I’m actually having trouble accepting Elle being different from how I had seen her. She’s my big sister who I idolize. Truth is I’ll continue to look up to her. I knew she and Janice had a special friendship but had not realized they’re lovers.

Elle felt a need to tell me, “Mom already knows I’m a lesbian. I knew back as early as sixth grade. But even in high school, I went out with a few boys as Mom asked. I even went with Tim Owens to my prom”

I was going to tell you and Haley at Christmas, but then your identity crisis showed up and I waited.” We didn’t want you to have to deal with my being lesbian as well as you wrestling with your girlish image…”

To be continued…