“Give her room!” one of the coaches yells out.
“She’s not moving.” Mutters one girl, Ellie, I think is her name.
“Try not to move her!”, That might have been Dianna.
“Oh S**t!”, that’s me…I'm trying to hide the air horn. I thought it would be an awesome gag to go to the first day the cheerleaders practice their lifts and test out the air horn. Well while they hoist one in the air. Or more precisely when my sister, Amber is in the air. She’s been down for a while. I’m sweating bullets. A couple of her teammates are standing in their practice outfits crying at their fallen teammate. The rest look on with concern.

“You little S**t! Look at what you did to your sister!” that would be Monica staring daggers at me. My sophomore sister is not moving. Monica runs at me as my eyes open wide. Taylor, my buddy next to me, yells “Come on, let’s get out of here,” and begins to pull at my arm. He pulls away from me, and he’s in a dead sprint. Monica is almost upon me. One of the assistant coaches grabs her before she could do, whatever it is she was had in mind, in her enraged state. She’s foaming at the mouth. “you little s**t! You could have killed her! Did you think that was funny?” I just stand there staring at my sister being held down by her squadmates.

The paramedics arrive at the football field where the practice was taking place. Monica is verbally hurling expletives in my direction. “Don’t you even care?” She tries to break free of the coach, who is trying to bear hug her to calm her. I’m still frozen transfixed as an ambulance arrives. “You ruined everything!” the Monica continues to shout in my direction. They’ve got my sister on backboard now? A neck collar? It wasn’t that bad of a fall. The rest of the squad is in tears as they load Amber onto a gurney and into the awaiting ambulance.

The ambulance pulls away. The squad turns to watch the commotion by the squad’s cheer captain. The air horn slips from my grasp and onto the bleacher steps. The coach comes over to me. Her angered could scare the calm out of a reflecting pool. She walks up to me. “You’re coming with me to the hospital.” She says holding her anger in. “I want you to see what that prank of yours did to your own sister.” I’ll let your parents deal with you there. She grabs the air horn and my wrists and drags me to her car. She sits me in the back seat, we have no other passengers.

She’s eerily silent on the car ride to the hospital. That scares me worse than if she would yell at me. A million things go through my mind. How badly hurt is Amber? How much trouble am I in? What are my parents going to do to me when they find out it was me that put her in the hospital? Each stop light is an eternity. Part of me wants to get there as quickly as possible. Some part of me is afraid of what awaits me there.

We pull into the hospital parking lot and parks the car. I realize why she put me in the back seat when she exits the vehicle. My door doesn’t open from the inside. Child safety locks. She opens my door and grabs me by the wrist. I’m too frazzled to struggle. She leads me into the ER with ease. My parents have not arrived at the ER yet, but several of the squad have started to show up. I haven’t seen 7 teens and 3 adults so ready to kill me in the same room at the same time.

My folks arrive and meet up with the coach. I’m sitting on the plastic chair in the ER and haven’t stopped worrying about my sister. The coach is explaining in animated detail what happened to my sister. I watch as the expression on my parent’s face go from concern to unqualified anger. Dad looks like he’s ready to whoop me, mom looks like she going to let him.

A doctor comes out of the double door and pulls my parents into a conference room. I don’t know anything about hospitals, but when the Doctor wants to speak with you in private, that’s not a good sign. Two hours go by, the rest of the squad continues to take turns giving me dirty looks. My parents have yet to emerge. The parents of each of the cheerleaders begin to arrive and retrieve their daughters. The shared look of disgust is directed in my direction by each of the parents. I imagine that each parent thinks that it could have been their child.

Dad comes out of the ER and head straight in my direction. “Aaron, We’re going home.” He says with the tension in his body so evident that I suspect if he lost control over it I would be in a hospital bed right next to Amber. I stand, and the blood begins to flow through my legs leaving pins and needles in its wake. I want to ask how she is. I don’t. There’s barely enough focus on my dad’s mind to operate a vehicle to take us home. He’s quiet too on the ride home. I expected him to yell at me as we entered the house. He doesn’t. He ignores me and walks upstairs to his room. I sit on the couch waiting for what is to come. He descends the stairs with my mom’s duffle bag. And walks back to the garage. I hear the car pull away and I’m left in sheer panic I don’t know what is going on.

I wake up in a daze the next morning. The house is still empty. Did they come home last night? There’s not breakfast on the table. I get started with a bowl of cereal and head off to school. Since I’m a freshman, I’m pretty much low man on the totem pole. Well, when I arrived at school word had already spread. Now, I’m probably a worm buried under the totem pole. All throughout the day the students, even the other freshmen are giving me dirty looks. As school ended, I was about to head for home when a couple of the biggest guys I’ve ever seen pull me aside. They grab me and pull me to a part of the school I’ve never been to. “You think that was funny?” One of the pair says angrily at me. “You think you’re clever messing with our cheerleaders you little turd?” I think I’m about to be pounded.

“Mr. Roberts and Mr. Unger, I do hope that you aren’t taking liberties with our students. Any infraction would threaten your eligibility and this… student… has some ‘restitution’ that he’s going to need to work on.” The same cheer coach that dragged me in her car yesterday had intervened on my behalf. I was surprised. “Now then, I think that the two of you are going home was that correct?” She asks in a tone that made them glad they weren’t me. “Yes, ma’am straight home.” The pair walks off with haste.

She eyes me up and down. “As for you. After you’ve spoken to your parents this evening, see me after school tomorrow. Be sure to bring some sweats and a towel tomorrow, you’re going to need it.” She grinned.

I walked home to find an empty house. I couldn’t drive so I couldn’t visit my sister. I didn’t know where in the hospital she was. I found a note on the table and 25 dollars. Basically, I should order a pizza for dinner. Not knowing how bad Amber was injured kept torturing my mind. The pizza arrived half an hour later, I barely made my way through a single slice. Worry fed me. Guilt was all I had to quench my thirst. By now I would happily accept any punishment just to know if she was alright. By sundown, I broke down sobbing. There was no one to console me. I deserved it. I deserved all of it. I cried myself into a slumber that evening. I didn’t even have enough energy to move off the couch.

I woke the next morning on the same couch a blanket covered over me to keep the chill off me. Mom was there in the kitchen her bloodshot eyes a telltale sign of the lack of sleep she had had over the past two nights. I entered the room. I hadn’t heard her voice in two days. She looked up at me with contempt. I had never seen that look on my mother’s face. It’s a look I hope to never see again. “she’s still in a coma.” Her words plain as if she was asking me ‘to pass the sugar.' She scooted back the chair as she stood. “Mrs. Tompkins will need your help with your sister’s squad while your sister recovers. You will do whatever she asks without question or hesitation. Nod if you understand.” I nod, mournful of the fact that my sister’s condition was graver than I thought. “Good.” She gets up walks upstairs to her room and shuts the door.

I arrive at school, again I’m the pariah. I’m ostracized, and even Taylor has abandoned me. I eat lunch alone. People even clear the table as I arrive. School ends and I arrive at the football field where my prank started it all. I walk over sullen to Mrs. Tompkins who explains my punishment to me; “Because of your callous act, we are one cheerleader short. You will fill in on practice days, fundraisers, and charity events that your sister cannot until she recovers and can fully rejoin the team. Normally, we’d cut your sister and bring in a new girl. After the stunt you pulled, none of the girls in the school want to try out. You will learn all the routines and fill her spot. Drop out or fail to improve, and we’ll have you expelled for your stunt. Is that clear?” I nod. “Practice is officially on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays; the football games are on Fridays. If you are nice, maybe some of the girls will work with you on the other days. I wanted you expelled, but this is a creative solution that doesn’t punish the rest of the girls."

After my first practice, I’m stiff, sore and there are spots on me that hurt like when I was beaten by bullies in Junior High. I’m out of shape and it is apparent I know nothing about cheerleading. Coach Tompkins wouldn’t let up on me. I think she’s determined to make me quit the team. The rest of the girls still hate me. Monica absolutely hates the idea of me on the squad even temporarily.

The moves are simple by themselves. Remembering the order of the moves and to synchronize them with the other cheerleaders is nearly impossible. They’ve all had the summer to learn all the routines. On top of that, they all like each other. I’m the outsider looking in.

I’m not sure if the threat of my expulsion is real, but everyone seems eager for me to fail. The girls all left together after practice was over. None said a word to me as they all left. Coach Tompkins asked me to shuttle the cones one by one to the office and then stow it away. I could have carried all of the cones back at once. She insisted that they each be carried one at a time 12 trips total. All this while the girls showered and changed and left the opposite end of the locker room. Coach Tompkins told me to be sure to bring water with me the next meeting. She didn’t want me to ‘dehydrate and have an easy out.' She still has to ‘have a functioning cheer squad’ she told me.

Thankfully, today is Friday. Since football season hasn’t started, I might have the evening free. I head to school after breakfast and a couple of painkillers. By now, the whole school knows I’m the stand-in cheerleader. Someone has also let on that if I quit, I get expelled. I think they are all rooting for me to fail. All I get are the looks of disdain. Nobody teases me, they won’t even talk to me. People get quiet around me and walk away. Lunch time is more of the same. I sit in silence. There is an invisible wall around me. How long can they all keep this up?

I head home after school, and my dad was just rushing out of the house with a bag. “Is Amber okay?” I ask as he drops the bag into the trunk. “I won’t lie to you son. The doctors did say it was serious.” There's a look in his eye that makes me think it’s graver than he’s saying. “They’ve induced a coma to reduce the swelling in her head.” His eyes, like Mom’s, were red from lack of sleep.

“I’d like to see her.” I can see he's turning it over something in his mind. He’s debating whether or not to bring me to her bedside.

“Son, when you sister’s condition improves, we’ll let you see her. For now, the doctors don’t want too many visitors there the same time.” I’m not sure whether he tells me that for my benefit or for Amber’s. All I can do is imagine her in a hospital bed with wires, tubes, and other devices hooked up to her keeping her alive. ”The best thing you can do for her now is to try not to make things worse than they are. We’ve got enough to worry about with your sister, without having to worry about your antics. Dinner’s on the stove. If you can handle the chores at home, that would help a lot.” He gets in the car and drives away.

There’s not much to do on the weekend, Taylor won’t answer my phone calls. I resolve myself to handle the household chores. Mom and Dad take turns coming home taking care of a few things and rush back off to the hospital. I feel more and more isolated as the weekend moves along. The chores keep me busy. It somehow felts less lonely in an empty house than a full school.

I return to school on Monday with much of the same. It’s almost been a week since the stupid prank. Coach Tompkins has me working with another Coach to learn some of the basics of tumbling. “They had all summer to learn most of this, and most of them had had some experience when they were younger.” Coach Reed works with me for the two hours while the rest squad works together on lifts. Coach Reed seems pretty gifted at teaching. “Amber was great at this, I'm glad you have the same balance and coordination.” Her words of encouragement are a spring in a dry desert. I’ve never participated in anything, and this is all pretty new to me.

By the end of practice, I can do a cartwheel unassisted. Two hours of practice to learn one tumble? No wonder they practiced all summer. By the time we were done, the girls all left for the locker room, and Coach Reed went to speak with Coach Tompkins about my progress. I had to carry the cooler to the office and then take the cones back one by one while Coach Tompkins timed me.

Tuesday afternoon was spent in the gym’s padded room. The girls all went through tumbling drills as well. I got a chance to see what would be expected of me should I “decide to continue.” It would seem that Coach Tompkins is working both angles. Getting me in shape if I wanted to continue and challenging me to the see if there was a way to make me quit. I can do a handstand now. Coach Reed worked with me a bit on that saying that I would need to learn that before I moved on to more difficult tumbling passes. I had to run laps around the room while the girls went to the locker room to change and leave for home. Again, the girls just ignore me. I’m on the team, I’m just definitely not part of the team.

I used Wednesday to relax and catch up on some of the neglected housework that had piled up over the past two days. Thursday the group went back to working on the timing and synchronizing, rather than tumbling. I’ve learned to do homework early in the morning while my muscles got a chance to recover overnight. A full load of classes, cheer practice and chores at home leave little in the way of free time. I’m starting to like keeping busy. It takes my mind off the silence.

At the end of the Friday, thankfully there is no practice today. I begin to head home when I see one of the cheerleaders, Casey, think that’s her name, rushing to the athletic field. Was there a practice without me? I reach the athletic field, and there are all the cheerleaders stretching and warming up. There are no coaches. They all seem more at ease without me there. Monica is leading the practice. Did I not get the message or were they purposely leaving me out?

I don’t know why I did it or even why I feel compelled to do it. I just walk towards the squad. On my way over, one of the cheerleaders points in my direction. I think her name is Allison. Monica turns to look at me as I approach. I drop my backpack next to the ice chest. Then take the empty spot that I was in yesterday and follow along without saying a word. Monica has an annoyed look on her face, but she continues to lead them all in stretching and warmup drills.

Monica stalks the group correcting posture and form as we go through the position drills. I’m tired and sore from the past few days of tumbling and drills, but I’m not quitting. I’m glad I’m wearing cargo shorts and a t-shirt. I can’t perform any of the moves in jeans. Monica calls for a break about an hour in and the girls grab their water bottles, sit together and chat. Ellie walks over to me. I sit at the spot where I began the workout. She hands me a bottle of water from the ice chest and quietly walks back to the girls. I think that may have been progress. Monica calls the group back into formation, and we again continue with the position drills.

I began to notice patterns in what they did. Most things were done on an 8 count. I also noticed that the position drills were the same hand motions of the choreography. Do something enough times, and it becomes automatic. 1-2 3-4 5-6 7-8. The pattern kept repeating. At the end of the two-hour long session. The girls headed to the locker rooms, I was left with Monica. She was emptying water from the ice chest. I was going to help her, but she picked it up and swiftly walked to the locker room silently. I was left alone again.

I walked home, the silence is getting to me. It gnaws at me. Again, I reach an empty house. Fortunately, there is something resembling a meal on the stove. It looks hastily prepared, but I plate it and eat it in the same silence that all of my meals have been. I take in more water to help clear the acid that burns through my muscles. I think a shower will ease my tired limbs and clears my head. No news from my folks means they’re still sitting vigil with my sister.

I’m on my way upstairs when I see a slip of paper just inside the front door. I didn’t remember seeing it on the way in. I pick it up and unfold it. The unsigned letter was handwritten and reads:

Saturday 9:00 am, McKinley Park, bring workout clothes and water.

I pack a backpack with water and a spare change of clothes and set it by the front door. I grab my sweats and a workout towel and set them on the chair in my room before I take two painkillers and drift off to sleep.

I wake up the next morning about as sore as I did when I went to bed. I shower, change and grabs breakfast before heading out.

McKinley Park is about 6 blocks from my home. I used to play there as a kid. Well, I played caroms. A table game that was like billiards which required you to use a cue, to push rings around a wooden table. Sort of a poor man’s pool table. The park rarely had enough funding, so little table games kept us occupied. That’s how I met Taylor. He was, until recently, my partner in crime.

Our parents didn’t believe in video games, so we had to entertain ourselves in more… creative activities. The air horn was probably one of our more open pranks. Saran Wrap on toilet seats, condoms on doorknobs, relabeling canned produce, harmless stuff. For the most part, nobody ever really got hurt from one of our pranks. That’s why I didn’t think that anyone would get hurt from the air horn prank. Hey, with three girls under her what are the chances that none of them would catch her? Instead, all three covered their ears, and Amber fell straight to the grass landing on, so I thought, on her back.

The way to the park runs through our neighborhood of two-story homes. Most have lawns that had been overrun with weeds. Nobody hires gardeners most barely scrape by. I think this once used to be a pretty nice neighborhood. It began it’s decline years before I was born. It hasn’t improved since. The park is pretty empty these days. Most parents keep their boys busy with video games. The girls, well they go to their friends’ homes. Amber always had a few friends over. I guess that’s why she became popular enough to be a cheerleader. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve painfully learned it takes more than popularity to be one of them.

I spent most of my life avoiding people. Most people I encountered were bigger than me and typically meaner. Taylor didn't have it much better. We figured that if we hung out together, they picked on us less. So we kept to ourselves and just played our little jokes.

McKinley Park is a fairly typical park lots of pine trees for shade, a recreation hall, a sand box, and a grass field. Dotting the perimeter of the was exercise stations and a concrete pathway. The idea was that you’d jog a bit, reach the next station and follow the exercises that were posted on the signs. There was also a few tables with benches set under a row of sycamore trees that could be used by the public.

Since it was the end of summer, early September actually, the grass field was more hay and straw than actual green grass. I reached the park, and the grass field is empty. I checked my watch and find that it’s 10 minutes to 9:00 AM and I don't see anyone at the park. The recreation hall opens up at 9:30 AM on weekends, so I waited over at the swings in the sandbox.

I placed my backpack on the foot of the slide. I sit on the swing across from the end of the slide. I haven’t been on a swing since I was 6 or 7. Amber used to come with me to the park on weekends until she met her friends. I think none of her friends made cheerleader and she abandoned them for her new pompom endowed squadmates.

I lazily rock back and forth on the swing. There's nobody here. I get it in my head to have a go on the swing. I’d used to try to get the swing as high as it could possibly go and at the peak jump off. I think that scared enough people that someone finally told my mom and a week later we stopped coming to the park.

So back and forth I go the swing squeaks and squeals. I climb higher with each shift in momentum. I almost have the swing parallel to the ground when I leap off the swing and land on my feet but fall forward into a front handspring and land flat on my back with a cloud of fine sand surrounding me. “It doesn’t work on sand.” I hear a voice call out. I pick my head up, and there are two girls standing there. I think I recognize the pale blonde, wearing gray yoga pants with pink lines on the seams and a black sports bra as one of our cheerleaders. The one I don’t know, the tall brunette who’s probably wearing a sports bra, though it’s covered with a slouchy oversized T-shirt and she’s wearing sweatpants.

“Yeah, I think I need work on my dismount,” I say with a bit of a smile. “Were you the one that sent the note?”

“What note?” The cheerleader looks at me puzzled.

“Oh.” I’m unable to contain my disappointment.

“You’re Amber’s brother right?” The brunette I don’t recognize chimes in.

“Yeah, that would be me,” I say dumbly.

“You know that was a jerk thing to do to your own sister.” She says the anger in her voice is palpable.

I get to my feet, dust myself off, and walk over to the slide and retrieve my backpack. “I think this was a bad idea.”

“What are you doing here anyway?” The cheerleader looks at me annoyed. “Why are you here? I can’t believe you’re on the team.”

“He’s on the team to keep Amber spot open.” a voice from behind me. Her disappointing tone I recognize as Monica. She continues, “We need at 8 on the team to really have a chance for competition.” I turn to find Monica followed by the rest of the squad. Her disgust is rather apparent, “We barely have enough people for the routine we have. With Lisa out (looking over at the tall brunette I was chided by earlier) and now Amber; we’re down to seven. With seven, we still need to do the same number of lifts with the girls we have. Which means we have to do lifts where one girl held up and supported by only one other. None of us can lift and hold up another girl by ourselves. That's why we do two pyramids instead. If we go down to seven, we only have one pyramid and us our routine becomes less difficult, so a lower base score. We can go with an even smaller squad, six girls, but one of you has to sit out as an alternate. With six girls we’re in the ‘small group category’ for competition. Unlike other schools, we don’t have a ‘Junior Varsity’ team to bring girls in if one of us gets hurt.” With that last phrase, she looks at me and glares.

“What’s wrong with having a smaller team?” I ask.

“It means we’re less competitive and there's less of a chance for some of the seniors on the squad to get scholarships for college. Your little PRANK, put your own sister in the hospital, ruined our routine and all but guaranteed that the seniors on the squad have zero chance at a cheerleader scholarship for college.”

I have eight girls looking at me with disgust now. Lisa sums it up. “So, you cut Amber, ask one of the girls to ‘volunteer’ as an alternate and squad changes the whole routine with six girls? Or the little prankster joins the squad until Amber returns. Then what? Hope she’s well enough to compete and stay in sync with the squad?”

“Or YOU come back to the squad,” Monica says to Lisa, almost pleading with her.

“Look, I’ll help get your little prankster get up to speed, but I’m not coming back to cheerleading.”

Monica looks dejected and turns to the girls. “Alright, let’s get warmed up.”

We go through another 2 hours of warm up. Stretches, drills, routines, and other skills. After practice is over, Lisa comes over to me. “It’s Aaron right?”

“Yeah, that’s right,” I say wiping my brow with a towel. I pull my water bottle out from my backpack and begin to drink.

“About all that, earlier I mean…” She restarts the conversation, “I’m surprised you’re trying so hard.” she says without a hint of a smile.

“Well, it was because they threatened to expel me if I didn’t improve or I quit the squad. Then there’s the guilt of putting my sister in the hospital and that she’d be cut if I screwed this up. And… nevermind…”

“You’re feeling it aren’t you?” she says slyly.

“Feeling what?” I ask.

“What it feels like to be part of something? Something more than just being alone?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” I’m more defensive.

“I’m offering to help you with cheerleading, you want it?”

“What's the catch?”

“The catch it that you take this seriously. Monica wasn’t kidding about the mess you made. Well, that and you don’t ask me to rejoin the squad.”

“So what’s the story? Why did you leave?” I ask.

“Health reasons. I wouldn’t pass the physical.” Lisa has a faraway look to her. I can read the disappointment on her face. “Look, I have some spare time on weekends, and I can probably help you during lunch period on a few things.”

“I’ll take all the help I can get.” I’m finally happy to get someone on my side.

“I’m Lisa Cramer by the way.” she says extending her hand.

“Aaron Stewart,” I say back with a smile. Shaking her hand.

“So did they tell you if you were going to perform during the football games?”

“Not a word. The coach only said ‘practices, fundraisers, and charity events.”

“Oh, that’s disappointing,” she says sarcastically. “But I guess since you don’t have a uniform it would look weird.”

“You don’t think that they’d?”

“No, the football games aren’t that important, they’re just good practice for working with the crowd during competition.”

“Well, at least I don’t have to worry about that.”

“The thing is, you seem to distance yourself from the group. Why is that?”

“I think they hate me.”

“They probably do and probably will, until you give them a reason not to.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve never been part of a team have you?”

“No, not really.”

“Teams require cohesion. Look at them.” pointing to the girls who are still chatting away at the tables eating their lunch.

“So, they're all together. I’m the outsider. But what does it matter? I’m just temporary right?”

“But they still have to work with you. The squad’s coordination hinges on all of the girls working together. The team has to be in sync. Squad can’t be at its best when you’re not really part of the group.”

“You sound like you miss it.”

“You promised, remember. I can’t go back to the team.”

“So you helping me is like helping the team?”

“Kind of. I left the team before the competition last year. They still had enough girls to compete. Too many graduated, so there wasn’t enough to make a full team this year. With me gone… well…”

“I ‘get’ guilt. Believe me I really ‘get’ guilt.”

“I just want the best for them, you know?” Lisa says sadly.

The rest of the squad departs in a flurry of hugs. I’m left there alone with Lisa. “So did you send the note?”

“What note?”

“There was a note saying where the practice was this morning. It was shoved under my door yesterday evening.”

“I didn’t send any note, I didn’t know there was practice today. I came here with my friend Cindy, you met her earlier. If you want, I can work with you some more today. You do need to work on your endurance. You probably should take up running.”

“I get enough running, shuttling cones back and forth after practice.”

“Coach Tompkins, has you running cones?”

“Yeah, I have no idea why. It seems like a waste of time.”

“Are you sure she only said practice, charity event, and fundraising?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Tumbling runs take a lot out of you. You need to do a lot of sprinting to generate enough speed to sustain some of those passes.”

“Well, she had me working with Coach Reed on tumbling.”

“Oh…”

Lisa worked with me the rest of the afternoon. We talked mainly. After a couple of week of virtual silence, it was a relief to be able to talk to someone.

Lisa is a junior. She joined the team in her sophomore year. She too was caught unprepared for how grueling it would be when she first joined the squad. In time, with the help of some of her teammates, she was able to improve her stamina and her form. It also had the wonderful side effect of slimming her down and helping to keep her healthy.

“So why did you join in the first place?” I asked genuinely curious as to why anyone would voluntarily put themselves through all this.

Lisa began, “I wasn't very outgoing as a freshman. Going from junior high to high school it’s easy to get lost in all of it. My parents had moved us here when the economy took a nose dive. My Dad lost his job first, then my Mom lost hers. We’re living with my aunt, hoping my parents can make enough money to get us back on our feet. So being the new girl, I didn’t have many friends.”

“That still doesn’t explain why you would join the squad.”

“Cindy, you met her earlier. We joined the squad together. She was nervous and wanted someone to go with her to tryouts. We knew each other, but we weren’t all that close. We had a couple of classes together and sat at the same lunch table when one of the cheerleaders came to us at our table and encouraged us both to tryout. Cindy mentioned something about not wanting to tryout alone and so I told her I would go with her. When we both made the squad we were so excited.”

“Joining the squad, I instantly had a whole new group of friends. It was something that I never had before. When I saw you during practice today, I noticed something. I got the sense that you might be feeling, that you could be more than just some placeholder.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You were trying. I mean really trying. Like you needed to be here. Part of the team I mean.”

“Aren't I supposed to be?”

“You seemed genuinely disappointed when you messed up and happy when you were able to keep up with the group. There was almost a sense of pride in you when you followed the routine without a mistake. It was something like you telling yourself, ‘I can do this.’ I’ve seen that look from girls on the squad when they settle in; finally seeing that all their hard work has paid off. It seemed like you’ve never had that feeling before.”

I stood there trying to work through what Lisa was telling me.

“I’m right, aren't I? You don’t have to answer me. Just think about this. If your sister came back tomorrow. Would it be a relief or would it make you sad?”

I was dumbfounded. I didn’t want to answer. I opened my mouth to throw out an answer. Lisa just held a hand up to my mouth. “That’s an answer for you, not me. How about we meet here tomorrow, 8:00 AM, and go for a run?” I nod my head, and she lowers her hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As I walked home, I had a chance to pour through everything Lisa said to me. While I was sure that I would leave the squad when Amber returned, that’s not what Lisa asked. She was asking how I felt about leaving the squad. Earlier, she said something about giving the girls a reason not to hate me. I realized that part of my isolation, I imposed on myself. I could have approached the girls when they went on break or when they gathered for lunch today. Something stopped me. Whose feelings was I trying to protect? Mine or theirs?

I gave them every reason to feel hostile towards me and no reason for them to let their guard down around me. I knew what I had to do Monday. I knew it wouldn’t fix everything magically, but it would be a start.

Talking things over with Lisa on our Sunday morning run helped a lot. She’s really insightful, and I’d dare to say, my first real friend since Taylor abandoned me. She was warm, caring, and she can run circles around me.

Monday at lunch, Lisa and I went over to meet with Coach Tompkins. She was happy to see Lisa, probably thinking that Lisa had changed her mind. Coach Tompkins eyed me suspiciously when I told her what I wanted to do. I think she was trying to see if I had an ulterior motive, but she agreed. I thanked Lisa for her support, and we parted ways afterward.

I arrived at practice, and we were all in formation, ready to start. Coach Tompkins says to the group that I wanted to say something. I nervously walked up to the front, and Coach Tompkins gave way. I’m standing in front of my seven squadmates their eye burning a hole through me. I had never done anything like this, and my nerves were at their limits.

“I… I wanted to apologize for the prank.” I began. Some of the squad looked on suspiciously. “It was stupid and selfish and… I’m really sorry I did it.” The squad stood there silently. “I know that I’m here temporarily and you all may be thinking I don’t deserve to be here. And you're right.” I saw a few surprised looks, others tried to keep their face stern. “You all had to tryout, go through the scrutiny and all the work to be accepted by each other as teammates. I didn't do that. I came into this squad without being tested or even having to endure the nerves of not making the squad.” I take a breath. “I now see why this is important to all of you—why it’s become important to me.” I begin to choke up. “I’m not hoping that you’ll accept me from what I’m saying, I’m just hoping that you’d accept my apology.” I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes. “I hope that in time, I can earn your trust and your friendship even after my sister returns.” Tears are falling from my eyes as I stand there. “I won’t promise anything, I know I have to show my commitment to the team and not just say it…” I was about to say more, but I couldn’t. Coach Tompkins walks over to me, puts her hand on my back and gives me a compassionate rub, as I drop my head. She ushers me back to my spot and asks if I wanted to continue with the practice. I nod my head, wipe my tears, and we begin.

At the break, the girls congregate while I again set myself apart from them. A few of them are throw look in my direction unsure of what to make of my apology and my plea. Ellie comes over again. She must be their emissary. She has two bottles of water with her. She hands me one and opens the other and begins to take a sip. “How is Amber doing?”

Her question surprises me. That she’s talking to me, surprises me. “Her condition hasn’t changed. My folks are taking turns just being with her.” Her face casts a bit down.

“What you said earlier. I’m not sure any of us has any reason to believe what you are saying. But that you said it—at least helps.” She takes another sip of her water bottle. “Most of us aren’t pleased with you on the squad, you hurt one of us. The fact that you did it to your own sister makes us weary about trusting you.”

“I’m not sure what I can do to make it up to all of you.”

“You can’t… Make it up to us that is… You can only move forward and help us.” She says looking back over at the squad. “We’ve got the fundraiser this weekend. I hope you’ll be there. We’re washing cars at the self-service car wash. The owner lets us take over the car wash and provides us with tokens to put into the machines. We charge per car and wash people’s cars for them. It helps pays for our uniforms and the funds we need for the competition. We have a lot of fun, and we do it once a month. I can have my mom pick you up if you need a ride? Your house is on the way there. We used to pick up Amber during the summer, so I don’t think it should be a problem picking you up.

“I thought you all hated me?”

“Well like I said most of us aren’t pleased you are on the squad. But you are here, and well we need all the help we can get. I don't expect everyone to warm up to you all at once, maybe not for a long time. It would go a long way in showing that you are serious about helping us and that you are sorry. I’m Elenor by the way. Ellie for short. Amber and I made the squad together last spring.”

“I’m Aaron.” I was about to say more when Coach Tompkins calls us back into formation. We continue with the afternoon drills. I’m slowly getting the hang of the routines. We’re working with yells instead of counts. I assume practicing for the first football game in two weeks. Amber’s spot in the formation is in front off to the right. Like me, she’s short, though she has about an inch in height over me. The rest of the girls are a bit taller than her. That’s why she’s one of the two girls that let hoisted in the air. Ellie is the other.

Midway through the second hour, Coach Tompkins has Coach Reed working with Ellie and me. She has a series of cones about 30 feet apart. We’re at opposite ends, and she has us run toward each other. We're on opposite sides of the row of cones. The cones are there to have us judge our speed as we run towards each other. I'm supposed to reach the first cone when she reaches her first cone. We meet in the middle. Then ultimately reach the cone at the respective far ends at the same time. We do that about a dozen times.

Coach Reed then says to start a Cartwheel after we reach the first cone. She asks us to try to keep our line, so we don’t crash into each other. My first pass I strayed away from my line thinking I might tumble into her. Ellie for her part stays on her line. We begin to repeat the exercise a few more times, and I’m exhausted and a bit lightheaded. Coach Reed catches me on my last pass and holds me steady.

Ellie is none the worse for wear and looks on with concern. I’m starting to see the reason for taking the cones in one by one well that and why Coach Tompkins was timing each trip.

Coach Reed walks me over to the cooler where I’m sitting down. I look up, and Ellie is back there at the cones practicing the tumbling run again. I look on in disbelief. Coach Reed sees my face as I try to stand. “No hun, you’ve had enough. We’ll try some more tomorrow.” She pushes me back down on the impromptu bench. “She’s had all summer to get in shape and practice. You’ve had two weeks.” Ellie takes a few more tumbling runs and walks back over to Coach Reed. “That was great work Ellie. Aaron, you did well today too. If we can get you two in sync, we may have something for competition. Assuming Aaron here can master some of the more difficult tumbling passes.”

“Competition?” I asked.

“Don’t look so surprised. With your frame, balance and coordination. We may be able to use you in the competition.”

“What about Amber?” I ask wondering where this is leading. “Would she still be on the squad? I mean I don’t want to be the one to actually take her spot.”

“If she’s well enough to compete and she can get up to speed quickly enough we can have her as an alternate.”

“That would devastate her! I can’t bump her, I’m sure she would already be mad at me for her being injured in the first place.”

“Aaron, I have to work with who I have. You’re healthy, petite, and have as much promise as Ellie here. Amber does too, but I don’t have the luxury waiting, and I have to have someone to work opposite of Ellie. I know you feel bad about what you did to Amber. She’s still on the team because you’re here. That will have to be enough for now.”

Ellie watches on with concern for me and for Amber's standing in the squad.

“Believe me, I would love to have a team with all three of you.” Coach Reed says looking over at the two of us. Why don’t the two of you call it a day and head home? I look over at where the rest of the girls were only to find an empty field. That had all gone back to the locker room.

Ellie pulls a bottle of water out of the cooler. “So I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Sure I’ll see you tomorrow Ellie.” She turns and walks towards the locker room. “Ellie?” I get her attention. She still has the bottle to her lips. “Thanks… for… Thanks for reaching out.”

She caps the bottle and smiles at me. “Work on those sprints with Lisa. She’s great! Oh and you’re welcome.”

Coach Reed looks at me. “You're working with Lisa?” I nod. An almost giddy look comes over her face. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Aaron.” She collects the cones and walks back to the office.

The walk home feels less… less bad. One thing worries me. As much as the prospect of me being part of the squad excites me. The thought that I might bump Amber doesn’t sit well.

The next morning, as I enter the school grounds, Lisa rushes over to me. “So? How did it go? Yesterday, I mean…”

“I… we’ll see. Ellie did come over to me during the break.” I say recalling the events from yesterday.

“That’s a good start, Amber and Ellie started together, sort of like me and Cindy. What about the rest of the girls?”

“I’m not really sure. I hope it had some effect. Oh, Coach Reed had me doing tumbling runs with Ellie. She mentioned something about using me during competition.”

“Oh…” her momentary cheerful expression turned sour.

“Is there something wrong?” I ask sensing her change in mood.

“What does Coach Tompkins think of you being in the competition?” Her question is odd to me.

“Wouldn’t Coach Reed be following Coach Tompkins directions? I mean she did ask me to go with Coach Reed and Ellie.”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s nothing.”

“Oh! Coach Reed got happy when Ellie mentioned that I was working with you. I’m not sure what to make of it.” Lisa sour tone is now matched with a sad expression. Does she miss being part of the squad?

“I… I got to get to class. See you at lunch?”

I look at my watch. We’ve still got 15 mins before classes start.

“Um. Sure, okay, I’ll see you on the field or at the tables?” I ask unsure about why she’s abruptly ending the conversation. She leaves in haste.

I still get stares from people at school. It seems like Ellie and Lisa are the only ones that will speak to me.

On my way to my locker, I see some of the squad. They seem to be talking to Ellie. I’m not sure what it’s about. But she doesn’t look happy. As they leave, Ellie looks up at me her sad expression changes to a smile. She crosses the hall to greet me. “Hi Aaron, any word on Amber?”

“I only get bits and pieces from my folks. They tell me ‘not to worry,' but whenever I see the look on their face, it just makes me even more worried.”

“I know. So far no one has been able to visit Amber. We don’t know why. Did your parents tell you why they moved her?”

“What? They moved her? Where to?”

“She’s no longer at the hospital. That’s all we know right now. I was hoping you would know more. You can talk to me, you know. I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but you don’t have to deal with this all alone. You can talk to me. The coaches too.”

“I don’t know anything more than you do. In fact, this is the first I’ve heard that my sister is not in the hospital. When did you hear this?”

“I tried to visit on Sunday. The nurse just said they no longer have Amber there. I tried to get more information, but they wouldn’t say anything more. That’s why I asked you about her yesterday.”

“I’ll ask my folks when I get home. I’ll let you know when I know more okay?” I’m trying not let my imagination get loose.

“Thanks, Aaron. I know this is hard for you.” She rubs my arm and walks away.

High School is much more intense than I had expected. So many classes and so much work I don’t know how anyone can handle all the classes. Where does everyone find the time? I know I’m struggling. I was an above average student in Junior High, but now I think I’m barely treading water. Students have begun to form study groups. I’m not a part of any of them. I used to be able to figure it out or ask Amber. She was great about answering questions. I think I annoyed her sometimes. I do miss her. I think I was a bit jealous when she went off with her friends. She was my sister and then… she was everyone's friend? Was that why I pulled the prank on her?

Much of the day has been uneventful. Lisa, however, did miss our meeting at lunch. I tried searching the field and the lunch tables, and she was nowhere to be found. I do get a bit worried, I’m not sure why I’m worried, but she’s been my lifeline. I think I would have driven myself nuts over the past couple of weeks if it wasn’t for her, cheerleading and the squad.

I think back to her question. If I left the squad how would I feel? I think now that it might be heartbreaking to leave. I’m starting to wonder about how I can stay active with the squad once Amber returns. Who knows, maybe Coach Tompkins may want us both on the squad. The thought of that well… It brings a smile to my face.

Ellie passes me in the hall between fifth and sixth periods and says to me that the uniforms have come in and that I should take Amber’s home for her. I head to the Girl’s PE office with Ellie and let one of the girls in there know that I’m picking up Amber’s uniform up for her. I’m handed a box that has the flaps folded corner to corner closed, and I sign the receipt. Ellie volunteers to let me put Amber’s uniform in her sister’s car and that she and her sister could give me a ride home after practice today. I thank her and head to class after we place the pair of boxes in the trunk.

I reach my last class of the day, and my teacher, Mr. Vasquez hands me a note that requests me to meet with Dr. Corning, the principal, in her office. I make my way to the school office, and I am told to wait. I sit there nervously then I’m directed to the principal’s office. Her office is tidy. Diplomas are hanging on the wall. Dr. Corning sits behind a large metal desk. Two metal boxes with paperwork in them are the most prominent items there. “In” and “Out” the boxes are labeled. Alongside the desk is a large round metal trash can. Most are plastic nowadays. She has a large folder atop her table, I’m fairly certain it’s my student folder containing my records. The folder should be fairly thin, unlike my Junior High student folder, it's not. I wasn’t a stranger to Principal meetings. Our pranks, Taylor’s and mine, had garnered enough attention, but not enough to suspend or expel us.

I’m standing in the doorway. A silver-haired woman, frail, pale and freckled and slightly wrinkled directs me to one of the two wooden chairs set across from her. “Mr. Stewart, it didn’t take long for you to make an impression on this school, did it?” I want to say something though I’ve learned its best to keep quiet. “Do you want to tell me about it?” Normally, I would ask for my parent’s to be here for this. I’m not sure that bothering them would make it any better. “We’ve already got statements from the Coaches and some of the students. I’d like to hear your side of the story.”

I sigh knowing I would only be digging myself a deeper hole. “I’m sure what you’ve gathered from the students and coaches is fairly accurate. It was a stupid prank that put my sister in the hospital. I’m really sorry I did it. I’m trying to make up for it with my work with the squad.”

“That is another matter I wanted to discuss with you. I was not aware of your… participation in such activities. I want to know your feeling about it. I was told that you were participating in a number of cheerleader practices? I was also told that this may not have been your choice. Is that correct?”

“Yes, ma’am.” I’m starting to wonder how this all got set up.

“Well, I assure you that I am the only one that should determine the appropriate disciplinary actions. I’m sorry that your ‘participation’ was against your wishes. It is not the intention or the spirit of this school to take any action against a student without an investigation. It is not the intention of this school to embarrass or humiliate any student regardless of the offense either. While I have yet to conclude my investigation, I want to assure you that none of the actions I would take would be so… unconventional.”

“Um. That’s okay I…”

“Please let me finish, I’ll let you have an opportunity to respond after I have finished speaking. I want you to know that I have spoken to Coach Tompkins this afternoon regarding her—actions. She did accept responsibility for what she did, and I do see her reasons behind her actions. I still view her actions as inappropriate and unjustified.”

I can feel my heart racing. This is not happening. This is not happening. This is not happening.

“I have instructed her to remove you from the squad effective immediately.”

No, no, no, no, no! My heart just sank in my chest.

“… and informed her that it will be my decision as to what the outcome of this prank of yours would be. I assure you that you will not participate in any of the activities that Coach Tompkins or any of her staff had requested of you…”

I think I’m going to be sick…

I dived for the trash can and I vomited into it. I was on my knees, my eyes closed, the acrid, sour smell rose from the can. I convulse again as Dr. Corning opens her door and yells out to bring the nurse. I feel a hand on my back rubbing in a circular motion. She’s trying to soothe me as I break into a cold sweat. I wretch again filling the trash can. She’s resumes rubbing my back softly. I hear the rush of footsteps towards me getting louder. I moan as I begin to cry. “It’s going to be okay.” Dr. Corning says softly. “You’re going to be okay. You don’t have to do any of that anymore. I’ll make sure you won’t have any more interaction with the cheerleading squad or the coaches.”

I’m wailing. I rarely get this emotional. She can’t take this away from me. Not after everything. It was starting to get better. Why is this happening to me? I can’t think anymore. Everything is in a haze. The nurse walks me to her office. I’m not sure what is happening. I’m just crying. It's hard to focus. How can all this come from one stupid prank? How can being on the squad be so important to me that suddenly being off it reduces me to a crying mess. I hear talking? I think they’re asking me questions. I can’t be sure. I hear my name called out. I’m trying to respond. They just keep saying “can you hear me?” My crying has given way to sobs… The nurse has me lying on the bed. My mind begins to calm. In the next room I hear the faint conversation.

“… kind of breakdown.”

“…faking it?”

The voices grew more distinct as my focus returned

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“What could cause this?”

“Are you kidding? The boy’s had his life turned upside-down. His sister is fighting for her life… You’ve all turned him into a cheerleader? For what? Some sort of twisted punishment? This is why the administrators handle student discipline, not the teachers. I don’t care what agreement you had with the parents. My decisions stands. The child is off the squad and I don’t want you hurting this kid more than you already have. I’d love to give the parents a piece of my mind too, if I didn’t think it would threaten my job.”

“I’m sorry, we thought it would be good, we could keep an eye on him, while the parents could deal with the daughter. We thought giving him an outlet and positive role models would keep him out of trouble.”

“I wish you would have consulted me first. Now he’s having some sort of breakdown. What did you have him doing, anyway?”

“He was following the routines, I noticed that he might be settling in. He had fairly good balance and coordination for someone with no real training, much like his sister. We had him working on tumbling runs.”

“How was he interacting with the squad? The girls I mean.”

“That’s the odd part.”

“Oh?”

“Well he came up to me during lunch yesterday and he wanted to address the girls on the squad at practice.”

“Why do I get the feeling that there is more to his breakdown here?”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you.”

“Go on…”

“Well I figured that he was trying to apologize to the girls, then he continued, saying how cheerleading was important to him. He started to get emotional and well… I think this is something he wants.”

“Well, for the moment my decision stands. I want to talk to some of his teachers and him again before we take any action. These activities are supposed to be a privilege not a punishment. We don’t even know if he’s academically qualified to be on the team even if he wants to be there. Does he have any friends that can keep an eye on him?”

“Lisa Cramer, came in with him yesterday.”

“Ms. Cramer? How is she involved in all this?”

“I’m not sure, Carrie, do you know?”

“Ellie mentioned to me when I was working with Aaron and Ellie, that Lisa had been working to get Aaron in shape. I was quite pleased ofcourse.”

“Is she looking to get back on the squad?”

“No, at least she hasn’t approached me about it.”

“Well, Ms. Cramer’s parents know the risks and were right to keep her out of such demanding pursuits.”

“Do we know anything about Amber, his sister? I’ve got seven girls begging me for information on how she is.”

“I can’t share what I know, we requested status from the parents and the hospital, there's lots of restrictions. Normally, the note I get is a projected return date. It said ‘indefinite’.”

“Off hand, I’d say that means grief counselors. We’ll need one specific for him too.”

“I think that we should not jump to conclusions. For the moment, we have a scared boy in there, whose sister is in the hospital. Nothing more.”

My thoughts are now on my sister. Grief Counselors? My parents have moved her and now the Principal is talking about Grief Counselors? What is going on? Part of me wanted to stay in the dark. Hoping that the Principal was overly cautious. What if she wasn’t. Is it possible that I may have killed my own sister? Could that really happen? I had thought being removed from the cheerleading squad was the lowest point my life could take. Amber? Could she really die because of my stupid prank? How did it get this far? The nurse comes in to check on me. She’s got a cup of a light tan liquid. “Ginger ale” she murmurs. “Cures upset tummies. How you feeling?”

My eyes drift from the translucent cup to the nurses brown eyes. They’re wide caring eyes. Her face has a hint of a smile. It feels like there’s a brick in my stomach and my shoulders feel heavy. All I can manage is, “I wanna go home.”

“I’ve called your parents, they weren’t at home. I left a message on their machine.” It’s not that my parent’s didn’t believe in cellular phones. It was just too expensive and much like cable television, an unnecessary expense. It didn’t matter, cellphone service was spotty in our coastal city anyway. An hour later, my father arrived at the school to pick me up. The nurse refused to allow me to walk home even though school had ended half an hour ago. My father had a somewhat lengthy conversation with Dr. Corning. Honestly, I’m not sure he came out of that meeting any better than I did during my meeting.

I walk silently to the car and so does he. We get on the road, however we’re heading in the opposite direction of the house. “Where are we going?” I ask. A sense of dread comes over me.

“To meet up with your mother. She’ll take you and the car home. I’ll stay at the hospital.”

We pass the local hospital and drive two more hours. We arrive at a large hospital complex. Larger than anything I’ve ever seen. “Is this where Amber is?”

“Yes, for now. We’re hoping the doctors here could help.”

“I heard the Principal talking about needing grief counselors. How bad is it?”

He gives a sigh. There was no hiding it. Amber’s condition was grave and I… I was responsible. “I’d like to see her.”

“That’s why I brought you. The surgery that they plan is… risky. The doctors are confident, but not optimistic. I… I thought perhaps you would want to have some time with her. You may not get another chance.”

Dread continued to well up in me. We walk into the Critical Care Ward. My feet get heavier and heavier with every step. I can feel the nausea building. We are escorted by a nurse. One visitor at a time reads the sign. Children must be accompanied by an adult at all times. The nurse gives us a sad look. My father enters and I look up desperately at the nurse. She looks at me. Her eyes well up with tears. I can see her heart break as she forces a smile at me and she can barely get the words, “It's okay…” before she chokes up and walks away saying “I’m… “

I enter the room. My Mom is at my sister’s bedside, holding one of her hands. “Baby, please come back to me", she says in a sad. mournful tone, only a desperate mother can spill out. My dad walks over to her and puts a hand on her shoulder. The heart monitors sounding a slow methodical beat. My mother stands and falls into my father’s embrace as she begins to sob. My father sadly and ever so gently walks her out of the room.

I’m alone with my sister. Her brown hair splayed out over the pillow. Machines help her breathe. The pulsing hiss, out of rhythm of the heart monitors. I sit at the chair my mother had just departed. The heat from it, the telltale sign of her long vigil. “God, I’m so sorry, sis.” the words spill out of me. I continue, “I didn’t know it would end up like this.” tears fall freely from my eyes. “Please come back to us. I… I need you. I… please you can’t leave…” I don’t know what I’m saying its just all coming out. I can’t think anymore. “I love you, sis. I… Please come back to me.” My father enters the room he puts his hand on my shoulder much like he did with my mother. I rise, turn to him, and in the same way fall into his embrace sobbing. He slowly walks me towards the door.

There’s a noise from the bed that catches us by surprise. The monitors begin to scream and beep. My sister on the bed begins to spasm and convulse. Two nursed burst through the door followed by a doctor. One of the nurses herds us out of the room and I yelp out “oh God!” I’m out the door, I rest my back against the wall just outside my sister’s room. I slid down the wall, burying my knees to my chest, while hugging myself. Slowly, I rock back and forth and two more doctors rush past me and enter.

There’s a flurry of activity. My father just stands there, not knowing what to do. All I can see is his pants and his shoes. Two more nurses come. One escorts my dad and the other escorts me to a room where my mother waits. I’ll never forget the look on her face as we shuffle into the room. The look of desperation turns to defeat. The image will be burned into me for the rest of my life. The moment in time where my mother truly lost hope.

We sit waiting for word from the doctors. Hours go by. Mom and Dad huddle on the couch. I curl up on my side on the other couch. Mom and Dad have offered to take me home. None of us really wants to leave. I’ve stopped watching the clock hours ago. It only made me more agitated. I can’t concentrate. I don’t have my books or my backpack. I have nothing to do but sit in silence.

I get up in an attempt to pace the halls, but I’m stopped by a nurse who assures me that everything will be fine. She walks me back to the waiting room. Her words are hollow. My parents gave me the same assurances for the last 2 weeks. I sit there for hours until I stewed enough in my own mind.

“Why keep me in the dark?” The words rattle in my mind before I realize actually said it out loud. My folks begin to stir.

Mom rubs her eyes and looks at the clock then to me. I ask again. Through her exhaustion, she says “We thought it was the best thing. There was little you could do to help Amber, and we thought to see your sister in her state would paralyze you with guilt.” I can feel my face scrunch. Mom continues, ”Is this any better? You sitting here, with us, worried to death?”

“And what of the cheerleading? I heard about the agreement you had with Coach Tompkins. Was that supposed to distract me?”

Dad joins in, “Yes and no. We knew that we would be spending a lot of time in the hospital. You were new to high school, and Taylor was your only friend. We thought that when you entered high school that the pranks would stop. Clearly, that didn’t happen. We needed you around positive role models that we were familiar with. Your sister has been on the squad since last spring, and we know most of the parents. We thought they could help keep an eye on you.”

“Do you know what I’ve been through in the last two weeks?” I say meekly. Exhaustion, worry, guilt and sadness took the sting out of what should have been an angered question.

“We’re sorry, honey, but your father and I thought keeping you active would allow you to make more friends.”

“Nobody talks to me. I’m a pariah at the school. You both haven’t said a whole lot to me either. I was more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life!” I’m becoming more distraught. “How can you do this to me?”

They looked at me shocked.

“Even Taylor doesn’t talk to me. I just kept getting more and more lonely. And just when I started to think that everything was starting to look better. I get kicked off the squad by the Principal? I threw up in her office when she told me I was off the squad. I’ve been through hell in the last two weeks. Now, I found out I could lose my sister too? This is too much, I can’t handle all this!” I break down crying. My folks rush over towards me. They try to calm me.

More time passes. My stomach is still tied in a giant knot, anxious for news.

A knock on the door breaks the silence. It’s somewhere after 3:00 AM. A man in scrubs enters, I think he's a doctor. A woman also enters behind in scrubs and a lab coat. The woman speaks. “Mr. and Mrs. Stewart? I’m Dr. Mendoza, I was the one that operated on your daughter. It was fortune I was on shift at the time of your daughter her episode. We were prepping for surgery on another patient and were notified of Amber's change in condition. We were able to drain the fluid easing the pressure. Your daughter is fortunate. She’s resting comfortably for now. We don’t know the lasting effects of the damage. Generally, the survival rate for complications from a subarachnoid hemorrhage is pretty slim.” She survived both the hemorrhage and the complications thus far. As I said before, there may be significant impairment even though she survived. We will know more when she recovers.”

In our relief, we gather in an embrace. I start to realize how much grief my folks have been over the past few weeks. The same anguish I briefly experienced over the past few hours, they had to dread for more than 2 weeks. Their exhaustion, like mine, keeps them from the fullness of the happy moment. It dulls it. Somber tears of joy.

Thursday, we saw our first restful sleep in days. Home is disheveled and unkempt, my guilt has seen the fullness of my act. The distress it has caused to my sister, my folks, the squad, coaches and to me. This all happened from one stupid prank, my stupid prank. I had a lot to make up for. I knew the pranks had to stop, I was done with them. The best way I could help all of them and myself was to find a way back onto the squad.

By Friday evening, With me at her bedside, Amber opened her eyes for the first time. I looked into her eyes. Was unsure whether or not I was dreaming myself. Her brown eye blink, dart to me and blink again. “Amber?” My heart beat at the possibility. I would drag her from hell’s doorstep to reality. “Amber?” She blinks here eyes, and I rush over to the door. In my excitement I crash into a nurse, tumbling to the ground. “She's awake!”

The nurse angry for just a brief moment until she realizes what I said. She rushes to the room leaving me in her wake. I dash to the waiting room, My parents are eating their vending machine sandwiches. They shudder at my sudden entrance. “She’s awake!” They scramble to their feet rushing past me. They stop at the door. Mom hurries to her bedside. I stand to flank my Dad. The nurse tries to calm my Mom down. Amber’s eyes are still open. Mom realizing that Amber is truly awake burst into tears of happiness. She rushes to my Dad. Mom’s laughing?

I have my sister back.

Our miracle had come.

Mine came soon after.

I returned to school on Tuesday buoyed by the improvement in my sister’s condition. It was hard for me to leave her bedside. The neurologist’s advice was to leave Amber’s recovery to the doctors and nurses for the moment.

That morning, I walk into Dr. Corning’s office. “Aaron, please sit down.” I walk over to the chair and take a seat. My eyes are pulled to the trash can. The memory of last Tuesday's discussion was still on my mind. “I understand you have had a chance to visit with your sister.” I nod my head. “I’m sorry you had to see her in such a state.” Watching my sister tremor and convulse in a hospital bed was worse than I could have imagined. Seeing her open her eyes was a moment of pure elation. “I heard, she’s awake. We’re all very happy for you and your family.”

I smile widely as I have all weekend. “Thank you.”

“What I wanted to discuss with you was not about your sister, but about you.” My stomach sinks and my heart again starts to race. Was she ready to dole out my punishment?

“I have spoken to some of your teachers, and while you perform well on the academic side, they are a bit concerned that you seem to be a bit… Isolated. I do have reservations about your well-being. You’ve been through a lot in the last few weeks. I think I want you to have a chat with Mrs. Yates. She’s the district’s counselor. We had originally had her lined up should your sister not be so fortunate. She’ll be here this afternoon.”

I begin to fidget nervously, “Are you okay with that?”

“Yes, I think so. It might be nice to talk to someone about all this.”

“You seem to be a bit of conundrum. Academically, you seem fine, yet you haven't been active in other pursuits, well constructive pursuits anyway, save one. Cheerleading and you were forced into it as a well. I’m not going to push you into such activities, but I want to know why you haven’t tried any of the other extracurricular activities? You could certainly pursue similar activities not just Cheerleading, or is Cheerleading what genuinely interests you?”

I eye her suspiciously. I don’t respond.

“It's alright, to be interested in cheerleading, there is nothing wrong with it. I simply disagree with the Coaches and your parents forcing it on you. I did hear about your speech to the squad.” I have no idea where this is going.

“Since, you have are on your way to the academic standing that would make you eligible for the squad, the only thing standing in your way now is this.” She hands me an envelope. “Open it.”

Opening the envelope. My eyes widened when I see a series of forms and waivers. They are forms for my parents to join the cheerleading squad. “I must be dreaming. Does this mean I can rejoin the squad?”

“Well, I do have to warn you that your parents may be hesitant, because of what has happened to your sister. Though they were involved in you joining in the first place. I’ll leave that for you to discuss with them. There are a few other preliminary things that were not ‘covered’ when you ‘joined’ the squad. Before you participate, I would want those cleared.”

I trying to wrap my head around everything. I’m barely listening at this point. My heart is fluttering at the possibility.

“Oh. Should you decide to participate, do keep in mind that there are, in fact, male cheerleaders. However, if you feel there is more that we need to discuss regarding your participation in school activities, please know, you can always talk to me.” She gave me a smile, “You are dismissed.”

I stand, I don’t know why I did this, but I rushed over to her to give her a hug as I started so sob softly. I murmur a “thank you” and rush out of her office clutching the envelope, seeking out Ellie and Lisa.

We have some work to do!

=========
Author's note:

Hi everyone! Thanks for reading, commenting and encouraging this story.

There have been some comments raised about the brevity some of the segments of this and the other stories (oh! and the cliffhangers). Looking at what I've written in the past month here, I think that the rapid sucession of the stories has been trying to keep the pace and momentum I held for Nanowrimo. 1666 words per day becomes sort of a mental goal. I've only been writing fiction for 4 months and I'm happy about all the critiques and input from those who wanted to help me improve (I love you all for every last bit of it). The second part (I planned for three parts) of this story will have longer chapters and less frequent posting consistent with other authors on this site. I'm still learning and I hope that better stories result from this.

All the best for 2017!

Hugs,
Leila

I met Lisa in the hall just after second period. “Hey, are you okay? I heard that they took you off the squad. Then you disappear for a week? What happened?”

“Amber. We had a scare last Tuesday Night. It’s all a blur to me. She almost died. I was in the room at the time. All the doctors and nurses rushed in; I felt so helpless.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. We haven’t had any news about you or Amber. We were all so worried.”

“Well, they took her in for surgery that night. It took forever, but the following morning they told us that she had survived. By Friday she even opened her eyes!”

“REALLY! That’s amazing!”

The news has her beaming with delight.”I’m so happy for you!”

“The doctors say it may be a while before we know anything more. Until then, they want her to rest while they run tests.”

“That’s so great to hear, I think the squad was really worried too. You must be so relieved.”

“I am. I hope she’ll be alright. We’re all still worried about her. We still don’t know when she could come home. I think the girls can start to visit, It is about 2 hours away. Maybe we all could go together?”

“About the squad… I heard from Cindy that you were taken off the squad? I’m sorry to hear about that. I know how much it started to mean to you. Cindy told me that she was surprised to hear that you were taken off. You must have been devastated. I know how I felt when I couldn’t be on the squad anymore. It hurt just to be around them. I thought I would lose Cindy. She’d be busy with the squad and all, I could do is sit and watch.” her mood turns somber.

“That’s the other bit of news.” I’m start fumbling for the envelope in my backpack. “Dr. Corning reconsidered my eligibility. She checked with my teachers and thought my grades were good enough that I would be eligible.”

“It’s only been three weeks, how could the teachers know that?”

“I’ve kept up with the school work and did pretty well on all the quizzes so far.” I’m still searching for the letter.

“Tryouts are held in spring, and that’s after almost two semesters of classes. I had to tryout when I was already a freshman just to be on the team in sophomore year. To be a cheerleader in your freshman year? That’s hard to believe.”

“Dr. Corning said I can rejoin the squad if I want.”

“What? Why?”

“She handed me the forms and said that I could rejoin the squad if I got permission from my parents.”

“Is this something you really want?”

“I’d like to, but the more I think about it, I’m not sure how the rest of the squad would feel. I was ecstatic when Dr. Corning gave me the news, but I was thinking about whether the rest of the girls would really want me there. Well, now that I’m not forced to be there.”

“I know you liked being a part of the squad. I’m just… I… You haven’t been involved in the squad for very long. Maybe, it not such a good idea.”

“It just I’ve never felt more… More alive… When I was… I was with the squad.” I notice her face cringe. ‘Is there something wrong?”

“No, I… I guess I’m a bit jealous.”

“You weren’t jealous when I was forced on the squad?”

“Well, I thought that it was a bit cruel and I just thought…”

“Wait, we were supposed to meet for lunch last Tuesday. You didn’t show up. I was looking for you everywhere. Where were… It was you, wasn’t it? You spoke to Dr. Corning, didn’t you? You had me kicked off the squad? Why would you do that to me? I thought you were my friend?”

“Please, don’t be mad at me. I just felt that If I could... I was only trying to... I didn’t go to her to get you kicked off the squad. I…”

“Why? What did you tell her?” I’m hurt. I don’t understand what would make her sabotage me like that.

“I told her that it was cruel… you know… for her to force you on to the squad and that it wasn’t fair to the squad either.”

“I overheard her talking to the coaches… She didn’t know anything about it. When she found out, she got mad and kicked me off the squad. How could you do this to me? Couldn’t you have talked to me first? Did you really have to go behind my back?”

“I didn’t know that at the time. I thought she was in on it. Please, don’t be mad. I didn’t mean to get you…” The bell rings.

“Great! Now we’re late for class.”

“I’m so sorry, I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was… Can we talk more at lunch?”

A voice from behind me catches us off guard. “Ms. Cramer, you should be in class.”

“Yes, Dr. Corning.” Lisa quickly rushes past me to go to her class. She whispers “I’m sorry.” again as she walks by me.

“Mr. Stewart please be sure to give what I have said some thought. You are new to this school and 4 years is a long time to keep yourself isolated.” She gives me a soft look of concern and places a hand on my shoulder. “Now, I believe you should be in class?”

“Yes, Dr. Corning, thank you.” Her comment about my isolation, I found rather odd. I thought the kids were shunning me not the other way around. My parents were concerned with Amber, and well the squad was angered that I had to join them against their will. That was all true, wasn’t it? I didn’t ask the kids to leave the lunch tables when I arrived. What of the prank?

I find Ellie at lunch. She’s sitting with the rest of the squad. They’re trying to cheer her up for some reason. I walk over to greet the squad. They’re still a bit suspicious of me. Ellie lights up and greets me with a hug. “Aaron! What happened to you? We were so worried!” I look over at the rest of the squad. If I was missed, only a few of them actually missed me. Half the squad continues to speak to each other while the other half smiles at my return. “How’s Amber?”

“She’s out of the coma!” I can barely contain my excitement.

“OMG! That's so amazing! You must be so relieved!” She pulls me into another hug. “When can we go see her?”

“She’s at the county hospital,” I say sadly knowing the distance makes it difficult to visit.

“Oh, maybe we can visit this weekend? I know it’s after the first game and all, but we can all go to visit her, right? I don’t think they’ll be too tired.”

“No, I don’t think that would be a problem, they are limiting the number of visitors at a time. I don't see why we couldn't all take turns.”

“So, what did I miss?” I ask coyly.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that the principal took you off the squad. Well since, your off I was placed as an alternate.” I see her face start to sadden. “I mean all the other girls were already on the squad. And I guess Amber, and I were new… Since she’s out… I guess so that we can still compete, in the small squad category, I was placed as an alternate. I know what you going to say. ‘I’m still in the squad.’ and ‘I’ll have another chance next year…’ I just thought it would be nice you know? Why are you smiling?”

“That’s my other news,” I say grinning from ear to ear.

“What news?” Her head cocks slightly.

I hand her the forms, Dr. Corning gave me.

“What’s this?” She asks, kneading her brows together.

“Well, we could be a squad of eight again? What do you think?”

“What?” I don’t think it has registered yet.

“Dr. Corning said that I can rejoin the squad with my parent's permission.”

“No! Your kidding!” That got the other girls attention. They’re coming over to see what Ellie is fussing about.

“Well if you’ll have me?” My eyes drift to Monica. She's turning it over in her head.

“So what are you going to do?” Monica chimes in.

“Well, that’s really up to all of you. Look, I’ve tried my best to take this seriously, I’ve apologized, I’ve been kicked off the squad, and now that I have the chance to come back, all I can do is ask. Would you all want me back on the squad?” I look at Monica pleading for her to consider my request.

Ellie looks at Monica she’s almost begging her to consider it. I can see some of the girls want to say something, but they’re following Monica’s lead. I look at Monica. I’ve placed her in a bad position. She feels it. If she says “no,” she keeps the squad at six, and it looks like her decision to keep me off the squad. If she says “yes,” she may alienate the members of the squad that still don’t trust me.

I sigh, “No, I’m sorry, I can’t put this all on you. It's not fair to you or the squad.” Ellie turns to me and gives me a questioning look. “Either way it hurts the squad. I can see that just by looking at all of you.”

Ellie turns to Monica, “You’re just going to let him leave?” Monica stares at me she stays quiet.

“Ellie, thank you, but it's not fair to put this all on her.” I turn to Monica, “I… thanks.” I turn and walk away. I’m choking back tears as Ellie runs after me. The bell rings. It’s time for class.

The rest of the day, I spend wondering how I screwed everything up. After I get home, I see my Dad. He's just dropped Mom off at the house. “Hey, Champ! I’m heading off to visit Amber, wanna come? It’s still early, and we can get you back here at a reasonable hour.”

“Sure, Dad”

The ride to the hospital was a bit more lively. I was still down about not being on the squad. I really didn’t hold it against Monica. I broach the topic with Dad. “I spoke with the Principal today. She mentioned that she was concerned about me.”

“That can’t be good.” He says trying to keep his eyes on the road. “What was she concerned about?”

“Well, she said that I was performing well in school, but the teacher thought that I was isolating myself. She wondered why I wasn’t participating in any extra activities.”

“Well, you’ve never really been a joiner. What does she want you to do?”

“Well, she asked if I wanted to rejoin the squad.”

“I can see where this is going. Look, all I wanted you to do was make up for your prank. We weren’t going to have you prance around in a cheerleader outfit, if that’s what you were thinking. You were only supposed to work out with the squad and do all the charity and fundraising stuff Amber would have done had… had this not happened.”

“You were going to say ‘pulled that stupid prank' weren’t you?’”

“Yeah, I was. I figured you beat yourself enough over it. I didn’t want to add to it.”

“I thought that if you did all the charity and fundraising, it could take the pressure off Amber to have to help raise the money that the squad needed. Coach Tompkins explained to us how much each girls participation meant. We agreed that she would keep you active after school, keep an eye on you so you wouldn’t cause any more trouble and we could focus on Amber.”

“The Principal handed me some forms and said I could rejoin the squad it I had your permission to do so.”

“I’ll tell you what, we’ll talk it over when we get back from the hospital and if you are really interested, I’ll sign the forms.”

“I look over at my dad, by now he should be yelling ‘gotcha!’” His eyes stay on the road. Not a hint of sarcasm. Something's wrong.

“So you’d be okay with me being a cheerleader.” I can feel my eyebrows raise.

“I said we’d talk about it. If this is one of your stunts? Then. No. I won’t have you disrupting the girls anymore that you already have. If this is something that you’d give it your all? Then, that’s fine with me.”

“I already checked with the squad, I think I blew my chance.”

“Was this really that important to you?”

“I think so.”

We arrive at the hospital, it’s about half past 6. I was expecting to head for the same critical care ward that I had seen Amber last. Instead, dad leads me to a different floor. Amber’s condition must have improved. We enter to find a smiling Amber just finishing dinner. “Aaron!” the excitement in my sister's voice makes my heart swell with joy. “Oh, it’s so good to see you!”

Either she hasn’t been told that I was responsible for her being here or she’s on some pretty good pain meds. She raises her arms welcoming. I cautiously make my way over trying not to tip over the monitors and machines that surround her bed. I gingerly give her a hug.

“So what have you been up to?” I look over at my dad he staring lovingly at Amber. “Oh, you know school and stuff,” I say nervously. “When do you think they’ll let you out of here?”

“Hopefully, this Saturday, I don’t want to spend any more time here than I have to. I probably won’t be cheering for awhile, I doubt that the school would want me cheering until I’m well enough. Right, Dad?”

“Um, that’s right, sweetheart.” He’s lying? I don’t know for sure, I rarely catch my dad in a lie, but it’s that same hesitation that he gets when he tells mom he’s fine with the ‘low sodium diet.'

Amber must have picked up on it too but she continues, “I miss the girls so much. It would be great to see them all again.”

“Yeah, Ellie’s been really worried about you. She wanted to come visit.”

I hear the door behind me open and close. Dad gave us some private time to talk. My attention turns back towards Amber.

My sister stirs the remnants of food on her tray with her fork. “Too bad it’s two hours away. She’d either have to skip practice or get here pretty late. Ellie is great isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she asks about you every chance she gets.” I’m trying to raise her spirits.

“I wonder who they have taking my place?”

Oh, god she doesn’t know. “Your place?”

“I figured the squad would hold tryouts to fill my spot. There weren't too many girls that wanted to join last spring. Hopefully, more would have changed their minds.”

“I think they had someone, but it didn’t work out. Ellie was made an ‘alternate,’ instead and they're going with a squad of six now.” I say trying to hide my disappointment.

“She must be devastated. We joined the squad together, you know.”

“Yeah, like Cindy and Lisa when they joined.”

“Yeah, those two were inseparable until Lisa had to leave the squad. I hope the same doesn’t happen to Ellie and me.”

“It won’t, Cindy and Lisa still hang out together, Lisa’s just hurt because she can’t be part of the squad anymore.” I move towards the bed and sit at the foot of Amber’s bed. I was tired of standing. “She was telling me today about how much she misses it and how much it hurt to just be on the sidelines.”

“Lisa is great. I’m sorry that she can’t be on the squad anymore. It’s certainly nice of Lisa to be concerned about me. Lisa was a lot of help to Ellie and me. We worked out a lot with her and Cindy before tryouts. She thought it was cute how Ellie and I were trying to make the squad together. I almost died of exhaustion the first time Lisa worked out with us. That girl is like the Energizer Bunny. But, she got me in shape enough so I wouldn’t pass out at tryouts. I was a bit more out of shape than Ellie. Cindy worked with her, while Lisa did laps around McKinley Park with me. I miss our talks on those runs.”

“Yeah, so do I, she said I was about as much out of shape as you were. She ran circles around me on the trail. She said that tumbling runs would take a lot out of me. If I weren't in shape, I wouldn’t be able to work through the full routine. Coach Reed was beginning to teach me tumbling drills with Ellie when I got kick off the squa…” Amber’s eyes are open as wide as saucers. At that moment, I realized what I had just said.

“You? They replaced ME with YOU?” Shocked? Angered? Confused? I’m not sure, I missed her expression, I was trying to figure a way to salvage this conversation. She stares at me waiting for an answer.

What could I say? Yes, Amber and it was the happiest time I could remember? Or Yes, Amber I love being a cheerleader. Or even I loved being part of the squad until I was kicked off… “It wasn’t my fault, they made me.”

“They made you…” her response was less a question and more an incredulous statement. “And… Why would they make you?”

“Because I was the reason you were hurt,” I say sadly. “It was a stupid prank. I blew an air horn while you were in the air and it scared the squad enough that the girls couldn’t catch you.” I was waiting for her to yell at me, to scream at me or something.

She just sat there pouring the something through her mind. I watch a sad look take over her face. “I never thought you would ever be someone that would hurt me.” She says quietly, dryly, then turned away to look out the window.

I stood there dumbstruck. Amber didn’t yell, scream, or curse me. I thought I may be able to handle, everything I had feared that would happen when I confessed. That small phrase was… I did something worse than hurt her. I hurt something in her. She never thought I would ever hurt her. I did. There was nothing I could do to undo the damage to her image of me. Her body would heal. She was someone that I relied on. Someone that I trusted. She was there for me. Did she feel the same way about me? Did I just ruin that? I stood there motionless staring at my sister. Why won’t she even face me?

She presses the button to call the nurse. I’m wondering what she is doing. She’s really quiet.

“Amber? Please talk to me?” I begged. “Scream, yell, I don’t care, just don’t shut me out.” She looks at me hurt. I freeze in terror.

The nurse comes in. “Hi Amber, how are you this evening. It looks like you are finished with dinner. I’ll just take the tray from you.”

“Is my dad outside?” my sister says calmly.

“I think he is, do you want me to get him for you?”

“I’d like to speak with my dad alone, please.”

“Amber?” I'm pleading with her to answer back.

My sister gives a look to the nurse.

“Alright, think this young lady need some alone time with her father. Come along.”

“Amber? Amber? Please don’t shut me out!” The nurse places herself between my sister and me. “Amber, I’m sorry!” I’m in a panic. What if she doesn’t want to see me again, speak to me again?

“Young man, I think you're going to make your sister upset. Now, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You can wait in the Lobby.”

“No, I can’t leave like this.” I try to peer around the nurse and make one more plea, “You’ve gotta forgive me! I’m sorry! Amber?”

She continues to stare out the window. The nurse herds me out the door. She closes the door behind her. I’m staring at the door. “I’m sorry…” I say quietly, knowing it would fall deafly on the door as much as it would Amber.

I get shuffled back to the lobby, I’m in a trance. The nurse sits me down and tells my father that Amber would like to see him. I’m alone with my thoughts again. All the friends in the world could not replace what I had with Amber. I lived with the silence of others. ‘Her silence towards me?’, would be unbearable.

We drive home in complete silence, except for one exchange between my father and me:

“Son, I think it’s best that you give Amber some space. Maybe in time she’ll come around.”

“She can’t forgive me if she won’t talk to me.”

“Aaron, you’ve got to learn that she doesn’t have ‘to forgive you.' Forgiveness, real forgiveness is not something that is just granted as a reflex to an ‘I’m sorry.'”

I stewed the rest of the drive home. Wondering what would happen to me next. Was I really back where I started or was I even worse off? Dr. Corning gave me a chance rejoin the squad. Monica asked what I wanted to do. I put her in a bad spot and realize that I’d be hurting the squad with whatever choice I made. I told my sister the truth about how she got hurt, and now she won’t even look at me. I still don’t know if there are any more consequences to the prank. Was Dr. Corning going to still punish me for the prank? We pull into the driveway, and my dad shakes me out of my slumber.

I went to bed thinking about my father’s words to me and Amber’s reaction. I was worried about what he meant when he said that Amber didn’t have to forgive me. She's supposed to forgive me, isn’t she? I said I was sorry. She’s on the mend… I guess she’d have to sit out of cheer until she was well enough. Well, there’s also dad possibly lying to Amber about her return to the squad. Did he really know something? Is it possible for her to be out of cheer permanently, like Lisa?

---

I woke up the next morning wondering what would happen to Amber if she was off the squad permanently. She was so excited to be a part of the squad. I felt that. I also know what it’s like to be in the squad and how much leaving them hurts. I can say that I walked away from the squad. I can try to rejoin it next year. But to be off of it permanently? I probably should talk to Lisa about it.

I seek out Lisa right after Second period. “Hey, Lisa?”

“Hey, I heard about you and the squad yesterday. Are you okay?” She cocks her head slightly with concern on her face.

I take a deep breath. “I'm hurt, though looking at Monica and the rest of the squad, I knew whatever she chose would hurt her or the squad. The only thing I could do was withdraw and spare the squad the pain. Though, that left Ellie out. She still an alternate.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that. I know you probably don’t want to hear this right now. But I think you did the right thing.”

“I know, just like when I told Amber the truth last night.”

“What?”

“I told her that I was responsible for her being in the hospital.”

“Why would you do that? All that would do is upset her! Couldn’t you have waited until after she came home?”

“There’s more to the story.”

“I want to hear this. Let’s meet up for lunch? I was looking for you at lunch yesterday. I found out about your conversation with Monica from Cindy later in the day. Cindy was concerned about you. I wanted to call you to find out how you were doing. Why don’t you have a cellphone?”

The bell rings for class.

“Ms. Cramer, I’d like a word with Mr. Stewart if you don’t mind.”

Lisa looks at me, probably wondering what will happen next. I don’t see it getting any worse. I shrug and tell her that I’ll see her at lunch.

“Mr. Stewart, I’d like to see you again in my office.” She has a distracted look on her face. Was there some news?

---

I nervously follow Dr. Corning to her office. The familiar chair awaits. She closes the door and sits at her desk. “Mr. Stewart, I wanted you to meet with Mrs. Yates yesterday. Apparently, you didn’t attend.”

“I’m sorry Dr. Corning I had a lot on my mind after I told the squad I would not be joining them.”

“Well, that’s an odd turn of events? Would you enlighten me about how that came about?”

“I thought about the position I’d put Monica, the cheer captain, in if I made her choose between allowing me back on the squad or not. I realized that I’d hurt her and the squad regardless of her answer to me. I told her that I didn’t want her to have to choose and I withdrew.”

“I see, I’d still like you to speak with Mrs. Yates, but she will not be able to meet with you this afternoon. There has been another matter that requires her attention.” She pauses. “I…” There’s a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“Dr. Corning, the girls from the squad are here.”

She has an exasperated look on her face. “Please, bring them in.”

Monica spots me and gives me a questioning look. “What are you doing here?” She clams up after she sees Dr. Corning’s face. She must be thinking the same thing I am.

Didn’t Dr. Corning say something about Dr. Yates being brought in for grief counseling?

I watch all seven girls file into the room. The girls murmur quietly to each other as they enter.

I stand and try to make my way out of her office. “Mr. Stewart, please remain here. And please shut the door.”

I close the door, the girls gather towards the chairs. I wait by the door, standing.

Dr. Corning looks over at the squad from across her desk. “Ladies, I’m sorry to be the bearer of some difficult news…”

I can feel the blood rush from my face. Amber? Please, don’t let it be Amber. I know they’re all thinking the same thing. A couple of the girls shoot me a look, a worried look. I feel the sadness fill my sinuses, there are tremors forming within me. My heart starts to race. She was fine yesterday. Please, not Amber.

Another knock on the door startles me from behind. I turn to open it, but pause to await Dr. Corning’s approval. She nods her assent, I open the door, “Dr. Corning, the parents, have started to arrive.”

Parents? My heart begins to pound more intensely. It’s Amber. My head begins to throb to match the pounding in my chest. I can feel my throat start to close.

“Thank you, Ms. Wilkes. Tell the parents, I’ll be right out. Please shut the door.” The door closes behind me. The sound of it muffled… dampened by the panic.

She takes a deep breath, “Now then, ladies, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you all this. Coach Tompkins was sent to the hospital this morning. I’m sorry, she didn’t survive.”

A shiver radiates from my heart to my fingers and toes. “What?” I gasp. I’m half relieved that I didn’t hear Amber’s name. But what did she say? Coach Tompkins… is dead?

Dr. Corning doesn’t answer as if by saying it again it would be another stab at our hearts.

Coach Tompkins death hits us pretty hard. Cindy wails first, followed by Casey as they all burst into their own pangs of grief. The girls continue to cry and console each other. I’m standing alone, the shock reverberates through me, as the girls gather together.

In a gesture that I wasn’t expecting, Monica lifts her gaze towards me, tears still falling, then she looks down at the squad. She extends her arm towards me. A bittersweet welcome to the squad. I walk sheepishly over and join them looking over to Dr. Corning, then back at the squad.” As Monica wraps her arm around my neck resting her hand on my shoulder. I felt my tears well and fall.

There’s something that I feel. A connection, maybe. As if our grief was shared with each other. Grief feels worse than loneliness. But shared? It lingers less. We all feel the pain and loss, but being with each other softens it. That connection… I don’t want it to go away.

Dr. Corning must have known this. Why else would she ask me to stay? Dr. Corning didn’t have to include me, but she did. A small act of tenderness and compassion.

Dr. Corning opens the door and leaves to talk to the parents that have arrived.

---

Cindy is the first to speak out trying to regain her composure. “We should do something…” she sniffs back some tears. “In honor of Coach T.”

Monica dries her tears. “Like what?” Choking back her sobs.

The rest are still sobbing and holding each other.

“Well, we could…” Dianna presses a tissue to her nose and sobs a bit more before continuing. “A black patch, maybe? on our uniforms?”

Jennifer looks over at Allison then at Dianna, she can’t speak. She just nods.

Casey chimes in. “Maybe… Friday? The game?”

Ellie is the first to really calm down. “Without Coach T, can, can we still cheer?” Ellie says while drying her tears.

Monica adds, “Let’s wear our uniforms tomorrow. For Coach T? Then again at the game on Friday?”

I remain quiet, as the girls nod in agreement. They shuffle out the door to the arms of their waiting parents.

Ellie stays back with me. Her parents haven’t arrived yet. “I know you’re not officially part of the squad, She meant almost as much to you as she did to us. This might sound strange, but do you think, I mean, it may mean a lot, you know, if you could do the same.”

“The same?”, I ask.

Ellie perks up. “As the squad. Wear the uniform. Well, I mean Amber’s uniform. You’re as much a part of this squad as we are. It may help… if you could stand in for Amber. Since she can’t be here.”

I shake my head, “I’m just not sure. I walked away, remember?”

“Look, whether you’re in or not, that’s really up to the squad, not just Monica. I know you put her in a bad position, but you didn’t give the squad a chance to come around. Here’s a chance for them to see you support them and Coach T.”

“Won’t it be weird?”

“Not, if we don’t let it… Be weird, I mean.” Ellie tries to couch her plan.

“What do you mean?”

“Coach T meant a lot to a lot of people here, not just the cheerleaders. If it’s a tribute to her, I don’t think anyone would hold it against you. Especially, with the black band across the school letters.”

“The girls are probably going home. We should talk to them first.”

Ellie looks pensively at me. “My sister can’t sign us out of school. We can’t join them. God, I wish Amber was here.” She sniffs back another bit of her grief. “I really can’t go back to class. Not after this. I…” we’re both back to crying.

Dr. Corning returns, a sad and somber look on her face. Her normally stoic demeanor is now awash in agony.

“Mr. Stewart, I’m sorry, we didn’t call your parents. And Ms. Foster. We’ve been unable to reach yours. I think under the circumstances, it’s fine if you remain here in the office. I doubt you can absorb much instruction today.”

“My folks are out of town. Amber's, I mean Aaron’s parents are my emergency contacts. I don’t think either would mind taking me and Aaron home. Is that possible?”

“I think Aaron’s parents have a lot on their minds at the moment, but I’ll give it a try. If you would excuse me, I’m going to make a few phone calls.”

---

Instead of class, we met with Mrs. Yates, the counselor, Dr. Corning had mentioned. She’s fairly young, she looks like she’s in her late 20s maybe early 30’s. She had a pleasant smile though she seems to have the same… preoccupied look to her that Dr. Corning had. She wanted to speak with us one on one. The look on Ellie's face when Mrs. Yates brought it up compelled me to ask for a joint session. Mrs. Yates reluctantly agreed.

“My name is Evelyn Yates.” She says motioning us to chairs in an empty office. “I am a counselor for the district. Do you know what it is that we do as counselors?” We nod silently. “Could you start by introducing each other?” She turns to Ellie, a cue to start talking. I sit there quietly.

“I’m Ellie, Ellie Foster?” She says almost as a question. Mrs. Yates looks over at me and smiles.

“Aaron, Aaron Stewart,” I say softly.

“Now then, I’m really sorry to hear about Coach Tompkins. I can only imagine how you two must feel after hearing such news.” I stare at my shoes. I sense Ellie does the same.

“She was an assistant coach here when I was on the squad.” Instantly our heads move up to look at her. “She had been coaching for a long time. She worked on choreography, Coach Wilson focus on the acrobatics and training.”

Ellie adds, “Coach Reed handles the tumbling drills now. She was working with Amber and me and well now with Aaron and me. Coach T was working with the rest of the squad on the choreography.“

“Oh, and where’s Amber?”

I remain silent. “She, she had an accident.” Ellie chimes in hoping to hide some of my embarrassment at the prank.

“I hope she’s alright?”

I sigh, “She is, but now she won’t talk to me.”

Ellie shoots me a quizzical look.

I continue. “I told Amber that I was responsible for the prank that put her in the hospital.”

“Ah yes. I was supposed to meet with you yesterday. Well, it seems like we have more to talk about.” Mrs. Yates writes a note on her pad.

The session continues for another hour. It wasn’t all about our grief. Mrs. Yates did share some anecdotes about Coach T that made us both feel better.

---

I follow Ellie out the door, closing it behind me. “I’ll do it.”

“Do what?”

“In honor of Coach T, I’ll wear Amber’s uniform to school tomorrow.”

“Really? That would mean so much to us.”

“Please don’t make me regret it.”

“The squad would be so touched by you joining us,” she says through her tears, pulling me into a hug. “We’ll take care of everything, you’ll see.” she releases her embrace, “Can you have your mom drop you off at my house? We can get changed into our uniforms at my house in the morning, and we’ll go to school together. What do you think?”

I eye her suspiciously.

Ellie allays my fears. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to wear the skirt. Just wear the shell instead” referring to the top. “Maybe you can wear some white pants? It would match the uniform since you’re not wearing the skirt.”

“I don’t own any white pants.”

“How about you just come over this evening? I think I may have something. It may be a bit loose on you, though. But at least you can try on the top, and if you are okay with it, then we can meet up with the squad in the morning like we always do. Would that be okay?”

“I don’t know, I’d have to ask my folks.”

---

By noon, the word has spread through the school. Lisa finds me in the office. She’s got tears in her eyes. “Cindy went home.” She says with pain in her voice. “I… I had to hear about Coach T from the announcement.” Ellie was the first to pull her into a hug. I followed suit. Lisa turns to me, “I couldn’t find you, I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I was devastated when I heard the news. The girls all took the news pretty hard. Most of them went home.”

“You were with the squad when they told you?” Lisa has a tortured look on her face.

“It sort of just happened. Dr. Corning pulled me into…” I see her face turn sour. “What's wrong?”

“I was with you, she sent me to class. I was on the squad… She, just…” I could see the pain and exclusion in her eyes. It was the same that I saw in the mirror each morning while Amber was in the hospital.

Ellie tries to calm Lisa down. “I don’t think she meant anything by it.”

“It just hurts, you know? One minute, I’m on the squad, happy to be part of something special. Now I’m not even…” She’s hurt and sad. “God, this is what I was trying… I didn’t want you to feel like this either. I hated that cheer would become important to you as it did for me, only to watch from the sidelines.”

I knew now why she made me promise not to ask her to rejoin the squad. It hurt too much, but she couldn’t stay away. Whatever made her ineligible, took this away from her permanently. My thoughts drift to Amber and what I had done to her. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know… How much it hurt. I understand now why you reacted the way you did yesterday. I love you so much for trying to protect me from that.”

“It just hurts so much, not being included.” Her sad eye streaming tears. She reaches into her purse for another tissue.

Ellie begins to lay out the squads tribute “Look, the girls are going to wear their uniforms tomorrow. Maybe you should wear yours? In honor of Coach T?”

“I’d like that. But what about you?” Lisa looks over at me.

I sigh. “I’ve got Amber's. I can at least wear the top. I think I’ll stand out less just wearing the top.”

“What if you don’t stand out at all?” She says plainly. Ellie looks at her curiously. I join her.

“Well, if you look natural enough, you wouldn’t stand out. Would you? Meet me after school, you too Ellie and bring Amber’s uniform.”

“I don’t know about this. I don’t want this to be about me. It’s supposed to be a tribute to Coach T.”

“It will be. And by you looking natural, it won’t be such a… spectacle?” I can see the wheels turning in Lisa’s mind.

“Alright.” I'm trying not to think about how Amber may feel about me borrowing her uniform.

“Ellie, can your sister drive us to my aunt’s shop, you know, after school?”

“I guess so, why?”

“So she can work her magic on Aaron here.” She says with a grin.

“You look fine. Leave the hem of the skirt alone.” Ellie placed her hand on my bare arm.

“It’s really short.” I say as I fidget with the fringes of my pleated skirt while trying to keep in stride with her on the walk to school.

I’m tugging at the stiff pleated fabric which ends about four inches above my knees. It doesn’t matter where it ends because it flares out away from my legs. It’s not getting any longer. Pulling the skirt downward only exposes a small portion of skin under the shell and above the waist of the skirt. The ends barely grazed my thighs as I walk.

---

We spent yesterday afternoon at the salon owned by Lisa’s aunt, Rhonda Cramer. It was mainly to ‘add length’ to my hair and ‘clean-up’ my eyebrows. I spent the night at Ellie’s, my folks knew her parents weren’t home, but they trusted Ellie’s sister, Bethany. There were enough sleepovers with Ellie and Amber for my folks to develop enough trust in Beth. Yet, I was surprised that mom and dad would let me stay over at Ellie’s. I guess it gave them the night to catch up on the upkeep of the house, or maybe even a night to relax.

The evening was pretty uneventful. I would have loved to say that we ended the evening with a slumber party like Amber, Ellie and the rest of the girls had on several occasions over the summer. It did not, Lisa, Ellie and I were too depressed over Coach T’s passing. I was too tired to do anything but sleep. I fell asleep on the pullout sofa in Ellie’s living room. Beth didn’t think it was a good idea for me to sleep in the same room with Ellie. We had gone straight to Mrs. Cramer’s shop after school. It wasn’t until we reached Ellie’s home in the evening that I realized I had no change of clothes. Apparently, my folks didn’t realize that small detail either when I asked for permission. I slept in my jeans and t-shirt.

I woke up this morning with my new hair draped over my face. I picked my head off the pillow and the hair cascaded down past my shoulders, some strands poke into my shoulders through my t-shirt. I was already regretting the extensions. I really didn’t think this through. I realize now why girls tie their hair back. Tendrils of hair caress my cheek.

I drag myself out of bed and made breakfast for the three of us, I thought it was the least I could do. I have this habit of humming to myself as I make breakfast. I blame mom, she always hums when she’s cooking. Beth was the first one up. I didn’t notice her there until I plate the eggs. A small grin was on her face. “Don’t tell her I said this, but you look like Ellie.” I looked at her puzzled, then shrug my shoulders and smile back. She walked over to the fridge grabs the pitcher of orange juice and three juice glasses from the cupboard. Ellie joined us. Ellie was almost sleepwalking and barely awake. She walked over to Beth who had already poured two of the three glasses of juice. Ellie wrapped Beth in a hug and grabbed a glass of juice. She took a seat then placed her head on the table and resumed her slumber. Beth and I started to giggle.

“Not a morning person I take it.” I said to Beth.

After breakfast, I had to go through what the girls referred to as their ‘morning routine.' Shower, shave-everything, moisturize… I think I’m leaving out a few steps, it went by so fast. Before I knew it, I was dressed in Amber’s uniform with a few additions ‘loaned-permanently’ from Ellie (which she had outgrown) to fill it ‘out’ and hide a few things that girls don’t have.

Bethany started with applying makeup on my face while Ellie got ready for school. All the complexed brush strokes and color choices left me wondering, ‘how do girls know what to do?’ When Bethany was done, she went to her room to get herself ready.

Ellie has one of those tall mirrors that Amber has in her bedroom. Peering at the mirror, I saw the benefit of such a large mirror. From shoes to hair you could see everything at once. I used the mirror to take a peek at what I looked like before Ellie came down the hall after she showered, dressed, and applied her makeup.

I felt naked. I felt exposed. While I was confident that the briefs and the panties underneath, would hold everything in place, I couldn’t shake this feeling inside me. The emotion that was welling within me was feel a feeling of… trepidation? No, something slightly different. Like striking my last match in the open air and wanting so desperately to protect the small glowing flame from being extinguished. I can’t explain it any better, but I do know, that the feeling inside me was more intense than anything I had ever experienced before.

My thoughts then turn to Amber. I was in a trance when Ellie walked into her room to find me. Ellie senses it somehow. It’s written on her face and is reflected in the mirror, but she doesn’t say a word.

Beth wanted to drive us, but Ellie thought it would calm my nerves if we walked to school instead. We left Bethany behind, as she cleaned up.

---

Ellie swipes my hand away from my skirt. “Just relax, you’ll be fine.”

Much like the skirt, the shell is fairly stiff as well, but since it’s sleeveless, I don’t have to worry too much about it restricting my arms. The sports bra is a new sensation; It's heavier, tighter than the t-shirts I'm normally wearing. The backpack presses the shoulders of the shell into the straps of the sports bra. I feel it making an impression on my skin. The gel pads have warmed up, and I hardly notice them except that they protrude from my chest. My ‘breasts’ are small and barely making the letters on my shell peak.

Though fall is a week away, the ‘autumn’ chill has set in. It is still, but it wraps my arms and legs and numbs them. The shell and extra hair does keep my head and chest warm. I’m wondering if it is my newly hairless legs or the fact that I’m not wearing pants that make me more sensitive to the cold. The cold bites at the inner quarter of my knees.

Walking to school, I could feel the ponytail pendulum back and forth as I walk side by side with Ellie. The giant bow atop my head matches the white shell and skirt. Purple and yellow stripes trim the fringes of the skirt and shell. The lettering on my chest reads BVHS. Bay View High School.

“Did Gail really have to glue the extensions into my hair?” I worried about my hair and how to explain it to my folks and Amber. Lisa’s cousin, Gail, was learning some new techniques for applying hair extensions. Gail’s mother thought it a wonderful opportunity to show her daughter the technique and give me a full head of brown hair that ended between my shoulder blades.

“Probably not, but at least Lisa’s Aunt didn’t charge for it. Besides, it’s not as heavy as the crimped extensions. This just seems more natural than the ones that are tied in place. Lisa’s cousin did an amazing job on your hair, though. Mixing a bit of blonde to add highlight really makes you stand out.”

“I’m not used to this much hair. A wig would have worked too…”

“Gail’s Mom thought Gail needed the practice. You needed hair, and besides, where would we get the money for a wig?”

“I guess.” I start to frown.

Ellie slaps her hand to her mouth trying to contain her giggle.

“What’s wrong? What are you laughing about?”

“You just did Amber’s pout.”

“What?”

“You know, the ‘Amber’ pout.” Ellie presses her lips together forming a duck’s bill and drags the corners of her mouth downward.

I shut my eyes and shake my head. Trying to keep from laughing. It doesn’t work. We’re both giggling away as she wraps her arm around my neck, her body pressing against my side to steady herself. When I laugh, I can feel the layer make up on my face, especially on my cheeks and my eyelids. The mascara makes my lashes feel heavy. The lashes are in my sight line even though they’re curled upwards. There’s also some tension on my eyelids when I blink. I’m starting to get used to the lipgloss. My lips get chapped in the morning, and the lipgloss keeps my lips from itching.

“Hey, how do the tennis shoes feel? I never got a chance to break them in. My feet grew a bit faster than I expected.”

“They’re a little loose. I think I’ll manage. The socks are kind of thin.”

“Really? I never noticed.”

“Yeah, my socks much thicker than these.” I lament.

“Funny…” Ellie says with a smile.

“What?”

“Well, you’re wearing a cheerleaders’ uniform and you're concerned about your socks. I thought, if anything, you’d have an issue with the sports bra, breast enhancers, or the briefs.” She must have been reading my mind.

“Well, the shell keeps those covered, and they’re not that noticeable. Do women really wear these gel pads? It seems like, well it just seems…”

Ellie notices me fumbling for the words. “I get it. But, sometimes we need a bit of help to fill out, I can remember when I first got my bra. My breasts barely showed. Amber’s aren’t that much bigger either. We all use a padded bra or something to… Well, make us more… Anyway, you’ll get used to it over time.”

“This is just for today. I think I can manage that.”

“What about Friday’s game? Don't you want to be out there with us? You know the routines already. Besides, Monica hasn’t had a chance to re-choreograph new routines.”

“I don’t know, you’ve all worked so hard, and this may be your only chance to perform for the rest of the year. I don’t want to mess it up for all of you.”

“Don’t worry about it. Coach Reed was really impressed by how quickly you picked up the routine. She thought you’d actually be a wonderful cheerleader. That reminds me…”

“Wait, what?”

Ellie continues…“Coach Reed, she’s not really a teacher here, she just volunteers. If they don’t hire a new coach soon. There’s no reason for her to continue to train us on the acrobatics.”

“I’m sure, they’ll find someone.” I’m wondering what would happen to the squad if they didn’t.

“Feeling better now?” Ellie asks. “I was a bit worried about how you were feeling.”

“Feeling?” I’m a bit distracted.

“Yes, this morning, I caught a glimpse of you staring into the mirror. You had the uniform on, you seemed happy at first, then your mood just… You just became sad. Is it Coach T?”

“Amber. It should be her in this uniform and not me. She should be out at the game on Friday. She should be with all of you.” I pause while Ellie looks at me intently as we continue in lock step. I take a breath. “Before I looked at the mirror. I thought I would look hideous.” I stop in mid-stride and turn to Ellie, who stops and faces me. “Instead, I saw a reflection my sister in the mirror; just as pretty as always. When I smiled, she smiled. There was a ‘happiness’ that filled me and overwhelmed me. Then, I realized that it wasn’t Amber in the mirror.” I feel the dark clouds form over me.

I continue growing ever more distraught, “I took this moment away from her. This should have been her moment. It should have been her staring into that mirror, not me. All of her hard work to tryout for the squad? The nerves and anticipation of waiting to hear whether she made the squad? The elation of being part of it? The summer of practice, only to have ME cut it short?” I begin to speak at a rapid pace, “She missed out on the exhilaration of being handed her uniform for the first time, then seeing herself as I am right now. That moment of seeing herself in her new uniform? That rush of joy I felt over how I looked in it?” I feel my heart fall, “Instead, she's laying in a hospital bed. Alone. Sleeping off some the pain meds. She almost died. It was ‘I’ did that to her. I’m a monster. No wonder she hates me.”

Ellie pulls me into a hug. I’m shaking bitterly at what I have done to my sister. I was the worst person in the world. To know what I had taken from her; I had to put myself in her place. I felt ravaged at the experience that I denied her. This is the hurt inside her…The hurt that I caused.

I feel sick. I feel revulsion at myself, the guy who robbed Amber of a source of light and joy. For what? A quick laugh? All Amber wanted to do was something she loved with people she cared about. Something she was proud to be a part of. Something I had been too blind to see.

Ellie tries to calm me, “You're not a monster, you made a mistake. While you CAN just stand there and feel guilty about it, I think you want to do more. More than just beat yourself up. More than just let your guilt take over. You need to make it up to her—somehow.”

“I don’t know how. She won’t talk to me. She won’t even look at me.”

“You have to be there for her. You're her sister. She needs you. She needs you to be there for her, not for you to beat yourself up.” Ellie's voice calms me. Her tenderness and warm heart are an energy that makes me want to do better—for the squad and for Amber. I can see why Ellie and Amber are friends. There’s a bond that I feel toward Ellie, it’s that same connection that I felt for my own sister. Ellie was a sister to Amber and to me as well.

We approach the school, I’m starting to get more nervous. “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.”

“Don’t worry you look fine. Better than fine. Cute even. Besides, you’ve got us remember? Me, Lisa…”

“I just don’t know…”

“There’s Lisa now!” Ellie wave over Lisa, who has a wide grin on her face.

“Oh my god! Aaron! You look amazing! You two could almost be twins.” Lisa walks between Ellie and me, bends to give us a ‘double hug’ and lets go of us.

Ellie looks at me “see? I told you, you look fine.” I nervously clutch the strap on my backpack. “Aaron’s a bit nervous.”

“Lisa! A voice calls out. It’s so great to see you back in uniform.” Monica pulls her into a hug. She releases Lisa, looks at me, “Ellie, have you seen the rest of the squad?”

Ellie turns to face her. “Not yet, Mon.”

Monica looks over at Ellie then me, confused. “Who’s this?” Giving me a questioning look.

“That’s Aaron, he’s standing in for Amber.”

Monica stares at me for a moment. “Aaron? She can’t be Aaron.” I’m as red as a sun dried tomato. “You’re joking.”

“It’s no joke,” I say, nervously.

She stalks around me like a tiger eyeing dinner. “It is you, isn’t it? How?”

“Lisa and Ellie’s idea.”

“Oh and I’m sure you put up a big fight, too.” Her sarcasm is blindingly apparent as she grins at me. “Looking like that, you’d give Ellie a run for her money. Lisa, Ellie, can I speak with Aaron for a second, in private?”

They give me a pensive look. “It’ll be fine, really,” I say to the pair and walk off with Monica.

We’re out of earshot of the two before she begins to speak. “What gives? Is this another prank of yours? Coach T…”

“Meant a lot to all of you. I know, I’m not trying to…” I say sadly.

“You only knew her for 3 weeks. If you are doing this out of guilt or worse spite, you may as well turn around and go home.” Her tone becoming more accusatory.

“Look, perhaps this is an odd way of showing it but, I was starting to feel like part of something. Special… Then after yesterday, when you pulled me into group… I felt… I can’t put it into words. I just… I… Forget it.” the pain in my voice is hard to control. I start to turn to head home. “This was a bad idea…” I say sadly as I'm on the edge of tears.

She grabs my wrist. She draws in a quick deep breath, “No, it’s a lovely gesture. Please stay. I think Coach T would have wanted her girls to stick together. As a team.”

I turn back towards her and walk into give her a hug. She’s shocked at my reaction, wrapping her arms around me. I sob and whisper “thank you.” I feel her head press into mine. She releases me, and I take a step back. She reaches into her purse for some tissue. She dabs my eyes. I try to force a smile. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay… Are ready to go back to the girls?” She lifts her gaze beyond me, and I turn to see seven girls in their uniforms break from their conversations to look over at Monica and me. Monica leads the way. I trail behind her walking over towards the squad.

“Girls, though Amber can’t be here with us to honor Coach T. Aaron here, was brave enough to stand in for her.” I see their smiling faces. My heart starts to flutter.

We walk into the school together, the squad with an uncertain future, mourning a Coach who meant so much to all of them… Us.

The girls left for their respective classes, and I was on my way to mine. I caught Dr. Corning’s attention. Actually, I think my uniform caught her attention.

“Miss Stewart, may I see you in my office for a moment?”

That didn’t take long.

I let out a slow breath and close my eyes. “Now, Miss Stewart.” She commanded. I begin to walk hurriedly toward her and follow her to her office. She gestures to that now familiar chair, and I sit. The skirt does not cover enough to protect my bare skin from touching the cold surface of the chair. I pop up from the chair, reacting to the chill, I look at the offending chair which offers no sympathy. I sigh, smoothing the skirt under me, well, as much as I could of it, under me. I inch forward just a bit so that no bare skin touches the chair. I feel my thighs press together as my ankles cross and skid my shoes slightly under the chair. My shin rubs my calf so even sitting feels different. Dr. Corning gives me a puzzled look before commencing.

“Miss Stewart...” She takes a brief moment to compose herself. My eyes gravitate to the hem of my skirt, wondering if anything could be done about the revealing uniform. “Aaron,” She pauses again. She must notice how nervous I am. I lookup, crossing my arms under my breasts. My hands begin to rub my bare arms, trying to comfort myself. Her eyes are trained on me. I become more self-conscious. I start pulling down at the hem of my skirt. “I’m sure you have an explanation of why you are dressed in the manner you are. You are probably practicing the explanation in your head. Instead, I want you to think about a few things before you are dismissed.”

I’m nervous beyond words. Does she think this is a prank?

“Is this something you want?” She asks.

I’m bewildered. I’m not sure how to respond, so I don’t.

“It is not a simple question, mind you. Would you feel comfortable talking about this perhaps with Mrs. Yates? Or another counselor, if you are apprehensive about her? While I’m not allowed to divulge possible gender-related issues with your parents unless you demonstrate a need for your parents to be involved; you still need to talk to someone that can help."

I’m relieved, though concerned at where this conversation is going.

“The question I ask you to consider—is this ‘who you are’ or is this ‘a costume’?”

I open my mouth to speak. She stops me. “The answer is an important one. It’s a truth for you to work through and something that should not be answered on a lark. You have to be honest with yourself. If this is more than a costume, then perhaps you can work through these issues early enough in your life, you may be able to spare yourself a lifetime of pain by asking for and receiving the help that is available.”

Honest with myself? Issues? What would I have to ‘work through?’ A lifetime of pain? Her reaction and her words unnerve me. I thought she was going to call my parents and send me home. This seems worse.

She scribbles a note. “I want you to show this note to each of your teachers before each class. You will not disrupt the classes in any way, am I clear?” She hands me the note, open. I nod my head and accept the note.

Miss Stewart is to be addressed as the gender she presents. She is to be treated with the respect afforded to all students and faculty alike. Any problems are to be reported to me immediately. - Dr. Corning.

I look up questioningly from the note after reading it.

“Is there a problem, Miss Stewart?”

“No, Dr. Corning,” I say nervously. What is going on here?

“Oh, and Miss Stewart?”

“Yes, Dr. Corning.”

“Because the laws of this state allow for you to use the restroom of the gender that you present. I EXPECT for you to BEHAVE in a manner consistent with the young lady you appear. Is that clear?”

A strand of hair falls loose from the ponytail. I instinctively push it behind my ear. The gesture garners in another look from Dr. Corning.

“One other thing Miss Stewart, you will also report here during your PE class this afternoon, you will have an opportunity to speak with Mrs. Yates, if you wish. We may also consider options for your physical education class if the need arises…”

For some reason, that calms me.

---

I walk into the first period, late. The teacher eyes me suspiciously as I hand her Dr. Corning’s note as instructed, she gives me a curious look, reads the note, and returns the note, discretely. I take my seat without a word being spoken about my attire. I do feel 30 sets of eyes are boring into me. The class continues without incident, though as I walk out of the room after class, I can tell that some students are wondering about my uniform.

Second period was much the same as First. By this point, the word had spread throughout the school, that the cheerleaders were in uniform in honor of Coach T. During the break between Second and Third period, students try to comfort the girls on the squad and me. Here and there, students offer kind words to me about Coach T and how much she was loved. There are a few looks, whispers, and oddly a few smiles as well.

I meet up with Lisa who matches my pace walking down the hall heading to class.

“Hey, Aaron? You seem to be settling in as the newest cheerleader. How is it going so far.”

“There’s a lot going on to tell you the truth. I had an odd meeting with the Principal this morning.”

“What did Dr. Corning want this time?” Her voice has a hint of a sarcastic tone.

“Well, she ordered me into her office. Then the conversation got weird.”

“Weird? How so?”

“She started to ask me about… No actually, she didn’t ask. She did all the talking. She asked me if this was ‘who I am’ or ‘just a costume.’ Then, she gave me this note.” I pull the note from my backpack, now wishing I said ‘yes’ to the purse that Ellie offered me. I hand Lisa the note, and she studies it.

“So, she thinks you want to be a girl?”

“I don’t actually know. She said ‘I’ needed to ‘think about it.’ and that ‘if I work through this early’… I could save myself a lifetime of pain. Isn’t that weird?”

Lisa hands me the note, and I place it folded in the pouch pocket in my backpack. She looks at me almost, ‘sizing me up.’ I’m starting to get that feeling that prey must have when they sense danger. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t actually seem like a boy in a cheerleader uniform.”

My eyes widen. “What?”

“I know we wanted you to look natural but… There’s something else about you. I can’t really put my finger on it. I mean, you and Ellie could almost be twins, but compared to even just yesterday…”

“I’m still me, right?”

“Well yes and no…”

“What?”

“I mean, you are still the same person, but different, you know?”

“How am I different?”

“It’s like you’re Aaron, but not, at the same time.” The bell rings. "Hey, I’ve got to get to class." She pulls me into a hug. She whispers into my ear. “Hey, try not to worry about what I said, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll see ya at lunch?” I ask sheepishly.

She smiles back at me. “I’ll see you then. And thanks.” before she walks off I rub her arm gently and give her a warm smile. She giggles and walks away.

A teacher calls out to me. “Young lady?” I turn instantly.

“Yes?”

“Your backpack is open, you better get a move on, you’re going to be late for class.”

“Oh…” I smile. “Okay, Thank you,” I say cheerfully, then zip up my backpack pouch and head off to class.

---

Again more of the same for my next two classes. Though I’m starting to get used to the stares I get. Thankfully, the teachers don’t really draw any attention to me after I hand them Dr. Corning’s note.

I’m walking to lunch when a girl walks along with me. “You’re Aaron, right?”

“Um, yes,” I say nervously.

She yells back to her friends. “See! I told you it was Amber’s sister!” She whispers to me, “I’m glad to see you aren’t hiding yourself any more. You’re just as pretty as your sister.” she caresses my arm and walks back to rejoin her friends.

I try to shake off the encounter and find Ellie before heading to the Cafeteria for lunch.

She greets me with a smile and a hug. “Hey, are you okay? You still seem a bit distracted.”

“It’s been a weird day.” We're walking side by side when she walks towards the women’s restroom. I stop as she opens the door and begins to walk in. She notices, and grabs me by the wrist and pulls me in. “What’s wrong with you? It’s just a bathroom?” She starts to walk into a stall stops and whispers into my ear. “you know to sit down, right?”

I nod my head.

“Well, be sure to ‘hover’ instead. The seats are icky.” she giggles and enters one of the stalls.

I wince and take the stall next to her.

The dispenser for the seat cover is empty. I try as best to wipe the seat with toilet paper. I attempt to hover and end up sitting on the seat. Ewww… I cringe. I emerge from the stall, after ‘failing’ at hovering and feeling a bit grossed out at what I actually sat on.

Ellie is already in front of the mirror touching up her lips, I wash my hands with a lot of soap and I start to make my way to the door. “That was so gross!” I whine, which leads to a giggle by Ellie.

“Come here for a second, will you?”

I walk back over to her.

“Here.” She hands me a tube, which looks like a glue pen, only it has a light pink liquid in it. “You probably want to touch up your lips a bit.”

I open the tube, I study the wand with the sponge at the end coated in a shiny light pink liquid. I swipe my lips coating and smoothing them with the wand and close the tube. I’m handing it back to Ellie.

“Umm, that’s yours. It’s new. Actually, I brought it with me because I thought it would work for you since I already had a few tubes in the same shade.”

I place it in the pouch in my backpack. “I told you that you should have brought the purse, Here, some of your hair has gotten loose.” She hands me a bobbie pin which I use to secure the offending tendril of hair, thanking her in the process.

I straighten my skirt and tug at my shell, and Ellie nods approvingly. I walk out with Ellie, and we make our way to grab our lunches at the cafeteria. I head for the hot food line, and she pulls me to the salad line. I was about to protest when we are joined by a few of the others in the squad.

“Aaron, Ellie!” We’re joined by Casey and Allison. Jennifer is not far behind. “You know, you two could be twins,” Allison says gleefully.

Ellie pulls me close to her and with some whimsy, announces to the girls. “She looks great, doesn’t she?”

Casey adds, “Aaron, I’m sorry for how we treated you.”

I look over at the trio, “No, I deserved it.”

Allison smiles at me. “Any word on Amber?”

“She misses all of you a whole lot. She hopes to be home by Saturday. She was angry with me when I told her what happened and how it was my fault that she was hurt.” I sigh. “Now, she won’t even talk to me.”

Jennifer puts a hand on my shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Just give her time. She’ll come around. Besides, you’ve changed, and I think she will see that.”

Lisa and Cindy join us in line. I fish into my backpack for my lunch coupon book. Thankfully, our meals are subsidized, I don’t have any money of my own. My parents barely make ends meet as it is. All the care for Amber and the costs of visiting her must put a strain on our savings. I pull today’s ticket out. Lisa does the same. We grab our salads and hand the ticket to the cashier. Jennifer, Cindy, Ellie, and Allison pay with cash for their lunches. We walk over to the table, Monica and Dianna are already there waiting for us.

Monica looks at me, “How are you holding up?”

“I think I’ve settled down. I had a meeting with Dr. Corning this morning.” I begin to stab at my salad. “She asked me to think about a couple of questions. Then she asked me to talk to the counselor after lunch during my PE class.”

“About Coach T?” Ellie quips.

“No, she asked me if ‘this is who I was or if it was just a costume.’ Then she dismissed me with a note to show each of my teachers.”

I pull the note and hand it to Monica who reads it and offers me a warm smile while handing it back. I take another stab at my salad.

“And?” Monica continues, “what do you think?”

After another bite of my salad, “Well, this is to honor Coach T, of course.” I push more of the lettuce around the container, wishing I had more dressing.

“Are you sure about that?” Monica presses.

I open the carton of low fat milk and plunge the skinny red drinking straw into it. I notice the girls all used straw. It felt wrong to guzzle it like I would normally. Eating the salad had wipe the lip gloss from my lips in a few spots. That unnerves me for some reason. My eyes dart to my backpack, though I stop myself from reaching for the tube. “Umm… I think so.” I nervously take a sip from the straw.

Dianna places her hand atop Monica’s wrist, “She’s had a rough time, you may want to leave her alone, She’s got a lot on her plate as it is.”

Monica turns to Dianna, “She does have a lot going on, but if we can help, shouldn’t we? I mean, I can’t help but feel there's something more to her.”

“Umm.” I’m starting to feel a bit self-conscious. I stare intently at the cherry tomato feeling just as small.

Monica turns back to the group, “I mean look at her. You don’t honestly see her as a boy do you? Do any of you?” The table is silent.

“You need to be honest with yourself. Did you pull that prank because you thought it was funny or did you do it because you were jealous?”

Jealous? “I…”

“We care about you, Aaron, you’ve actually put up with a lot just to be here with us. I think it shows some character that you’ve tried so hard. That’s why I left the note for you at your house.” She’s the one who left the note?

“What note?” Allison asks.

“When she first started out with us. I was impressed that she joined us for practice even when she didn’t have to. I wanted to test her to see how serious she was about being on the squad. So, I left her a note to meet us at McKinley Park that first Saturday and she did! What I didn’t know was whether she was joining us because of guilt over Amber, or if she genuinely wanted to be part of the squad. Her apology to the squad got me thinking. Then this morning, when I confronted her about the uniform, I could see it.” Monica looks straight at me, “I could see it in your eyes that this was where you wanted to be—With us.” She blinks a few times, the table is still silent. She continues. “What I don’t know WHO wants to be part of the squad. The boy that pulled the prank or the young woman in front of me silently eating her salad?”

I feel suffocated. I need to get out of here. I stand up. “I… I need to be alone for a bit,” I say sadly.

Ellie grabs my hand, but I give her a pained look, and she lets go.

---

I walk away from the table with my head swirling as I head down towards the office. Lunch has not ended yet, and the halls are empty.

I’m walking down the hall towards the office lost in thought. I hear footsteps from behind. I was about to turn, when a hand grabs me and pulls me into the men’s restroom. My backpack falls off my shoulder and on to the floor in the hall as I am yanked into the room. My heart is racing, I’m scared out of my mind before I realize who grabbed me, a hand pushes my shoulders to the wall. “Aaron, are you alright? Who did this to you?”

“Taylor? What are you doing? If anyone catches me in here, I’m going to get in trouble!” All the fears of being bullied resurface as I start to shake.

“In trouble for being a boy in a boy’s bathroom? What did they do to you and why are you wearing a cheerleader’s uniform?” His questions are pointed and stern. I can barely think.

“It's in honor of Coach T.” I blurt out nervously.

“What? You’re not making any sense. What does a dead coach have to do with you dressed up as a cheerleader?”

“Please, I’ve got to get out of here. I’m not supposed to be in here.” I don’t know why I’m so afraid. It’s Taylor. Why is he doing this to me?

“Not until I get an explanation.” his voice is more stern, angry even.

I’m in a panic. “Please, just let me go. I promise I won’t tell anyone you pulled me in here.”

Taylor’s searches my face. All I can feel is fear. I don’t know what he’s going to do to me.

“Aaron, I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not the bad guy here. Someone is messing with your head. I want to know who it is.”

“N…Nobody, nobody is messing with my head. Now, please, just let me go. I’m not supposed to be in here.” My eyes are searching him for what he may do.

He grabs me by my shoulders. I let out a small yelp.

“Aaron! Get a hold of yourself.” I’m petrified.

I hear the door open and smack violently against the wall. We’re both startled. A loud angered growl interrupts Taylor. “Let her go, NOW!” The voice booms from behind Taylor.

Taylor raises his hands and backs off. “Hey man! I don't want any trouble.”

“Nobody messes with our cheerleaders!” It’s one of the football players has his hand on Taylor’s shoulder pulling him further away from me.

Taylor is frozen, I take my opportunity to escape, I turn and run out the door. I fall into the arms of someone who wraps me in a hug, I’m shaking. The tall figure tries to soothe me. I hear another voice, a girl’s voice spits venom from behind me. The fiery voice is familiar. Monica? Monica’s yelling at Taylor. “You don’t EVER touch one of my girls! YOU HEAR ME? YOU PERVERT!” I look up, I’m in the arms of Dianna. She’s trying to hold back her own anger as well. I turn to see the commotion. Dianna has her arms wrapped protectively around me, holding me tight. Lisa has Monica by the arm, trying to calm Monica down. Monica continues her verbal assault on Taylor.

Dianna tries to soothe me. I’m still trembling. She shepherds me away from the scene while trying to calm herself as well. She pulls me into the women’s restroom. I crumple onto the floor and I bellow out a pained moan and start sobbing. I don’t know what’s come over me. I’m not sure what's going on. Dianna is holding me. Then backs off. My eyes are closed. I hated this feeling. I hated being vulnerable. Another hug from a smaller frame. “Ellie?” I murmur.

“Shhh, I’m here… I’m here…” Ellie’s rocking me. Soothing me. I'm such a mess.

“Did he hurt you?” Dianna’s voice strains of concern. I shake my head, still trembling. “Monica went to apologize to you, she saw some guy pull you into the men’s room. She grabbed Victor to help.” I can hear more girls file into the restroom. Monica and Victor made Taylor back off, but had drawn enough attention, that it drew a crowd.

There were whispers among the girls entering. ‘He did what to her?’ ‘Are you serious?’ ‘Is she okay?’ ‘Good thing Victor stopped it.’ ‘I hope he gets thrown out of school!’

I open my eyes to see Ellie. She pulls a few tissues from her purse and dabs at my eyes. “Whatever he did, it wasn’t your fault. Okay?” I nod my head, everything was happening so fast.

My thoughts shift away from my fears. “Wait, this all was a misunderstanding…Taylor was…”

“Shhh… You’re safe now, you don’t have to defend him. They caught the guy. He’s not going to hurt you. We’re not going to let him hurt you.”

---

---

---

Author's Note: Thank you all for taking the time to read, comment, and encourage this story. I appreciate every bit of critique and encouragement I've received thus far. It's helped more than you know,

I love you all so much for being with me on this journey.

Hugs,
Leila

The nurse entered the restroom. She pushes her way to reach me. Ellie looks on trying to keep me from breaking down again. My brief moment of calm evaporated when I realize how small I feel. The onlookers tower over me, pitying my diminutive frame crumpled on the ground. He didn’t mean to, I rationalize, but Taylor made me feel helpless, afraid. I couldn’t shake that feeling even though I knew he didn’t deserve the abuse from Monica. I hated myself for being so fragile.

The nurse coaxes the growing crowd out the door before turning her attention to me. “What’s your name young lady?” the nurse cooed softly to me. Ellie won’t leave my side.

“Aaron, Aaron Stewart.” I moan softly, I’m on the edge of tears again. I’m hugging my knees to my chest. The drumbeat of my heart still rattling. I feel my bottom resting on the cold floor, my skirt fans out around me. When I realize I’m exposed, I start to tug at my skirt. Casey drapes her jacket on my knees. The jacket is long enough to keep me covered. Casey then helps usher the rest of the girls out of the restroom.

“Okay, Aaron, honey, are you hurt anywhere?” The nurse is so gentle with me. I feel like I’m made of glass.

I shake my head, “no.”

She raises her hand to touch my shoulder, I flinch immediately. She recoils, “It’s okay sweetheart. I won’t touch you without asking okay?”

My pulse crests then ebbs.

“Excuse me, dear” the nurse politely murmurs to Ellie. Ellie stands to give the nurse room to work on me. Ellie looks on at me as a mother looks on at her distressed child.

The nurse carefully examines me and my clothing making sure to let me know where she would touch me. When she is satisfied with her initial assessment of me. She asks me to return with her to the nurse’s office. I didn’t even notice the bell which signals the end of lunch had sounded. The hallways were empty, and I was grateful for that. Ellie retrieves my backpack and walks side by side with me as the nurse trailed behind us. I’m uninjured but humiliated. What had started out as a wonderful day for me, now had me walking in shame to the nurse’s office.

During the whole ordeal, I was afraid, terrified even. Guys aren’t supposed to be this… vulnerable. Everyone saw it. Me, dressed as a cheerleader, sobbing, after being pulled into the boy’s bathroom, then running out like a scared little girl, in a panic.

The nurse escorts me into the examination room. Ellie follows silently in behind us. The nurse leaves us in the room and closes the door.

“Are you alright now?” Her voice is soft as a feather. Ellie's eyes are wide, and her lips are pursed, trying to mask her worry to keep me calm. She’s really concerned about me.

Embarrassed, I breathe out. “Taylor kind of caught me off guard.”

That surprises Ellie. “You know that guy?”

“Yes, and if I listened to him in the first place, I probably wouldn’t have been in this mess, to begin with.” I take a seat at the examination table. I hear the crinkle of the paper below me, and I cross my legs instinctively.

“What do you mean?”, her curiosity grows.

“He was there when I pulled the prank,” I say with a sigh.

“And he left you to take all the blame?”

“No, He actually tried to talk me out of it.”

Ellie’s brows knit together. “What?”

“Taylor and I have been friends since elementary. We used to pull these pranks together. It kept the bullies off of us. When we got to high school, he thought we didn’t need to pull pranks anymore. He didn’t know about the prank until I pulled the air horn out of my backpack. He then tried to talk me out of it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, why would pulling pranks keep you from being bullied?”

“Because people don’t bully the ones that made everyone else laugh. We deflected attention away from us to others. Our targets were the ones that were bullied and not us.”

“That’s pretty mean.” I can see Ellie’s disdain growing.

“Well, Taylor didn’t think it was a good idea anymore, and I thought it would be one last prank.”

“Wait! I was on top of the other pyramid. That could have been me that was hurt, not Amber. If I got hurt, then what? You didn’t know me… I could have been laying there on the ground, hurt, in a coma, fighting for my life, my folks wondering if I would survive. Was that what you wanted? Was that what your prank could have done to me?”

“I’m sorry, I really wish I listened to Taylor. Ellie, we’re friends now. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.” I slide off the table and reach out to her, and she recoils. A chill runs through me.

“I… this is a lot to think about. I mean, you did that to Amber, after your friend told you not to? You went ahead and pulled the prank anyway? How could you?”

“Ellie, please… I’m so sorry... It just got out of hand.”

“And what about me, I was nothing to you at the time! If I was hurt… I… I can’t be in here with you right now.”

“Ellie, please don’t go!” I’m feeling our friendship start to grow dim. In desperation, I beg of her, “Ellie? Please don’t be mad at me. I… I can’t have you and Amber mad at me. I’m so sorry!”

Ellie angrily turns from me and stomps to the door opening it.

“Ellie? Don’t leave me alone, please?”

Ellie pauses at the doorway. She grabs the knob on the door pulling it closed behind her.

I’m too numb to cry. Ellie was my lifeline. The one that gave me a chance to be her friend even when the rest of the squad spurned me. Ellie had every right to be angry with me. Only their arrangement kept her from Amber’s fate. If Ellie were on the left and Amber on the right, it would have been Ellie that was hurt and not Amber. Ellie was as much of a sister to me as Amber. I’ve hurt them both. I damaged the bond I had with each of them. I had no idea how to fix it.

Taylor was the more pressing problem. No doubt that he’s being grilled by Dr. Corning at the moment. This is another mess that I’ve created. I can’t let this go any farther. A knock on the door. It’s the nurse. “Is everything alright? I just saw the young lady you were with running away in tears.”

“It's all my fault. Everything is my fault.” I murmur, “I need to speak with Dr. Corning about Taylor Brown.”

“The boy that assaulted you? Whatever for? They called his parents, and they are questioning him as we speak.”

I run for the door in a full sprint in the direction of Dr. Corning’s office. The nurse trails behind, her heels clip-clop on the linoleum floor behind me. I’m wearing tennis shoes and can manage a much faster speed. I dash past the front counter taking everyone by surprise. I stop short of crashing into Dr. Corning’s door and start knocking in rapid succession.

An exasperated “yes?” comes through the door. I enter, Taylor is in my chair. Dr. Corning looks annoyed. “Miss Stewart, you should be in the nurse’s office.” I turn to look over at Taylor, he has the look of a confused puppy.

I slowly regain my breath and compose myself. Dr. Corning looks at me patiently annoyed. “I’m sorry Dr. Corning, but there has been a misunderstanding.”

“Miss Stewart, you will have your opportunity to speak after I have had my opportunity to…

“This is really important Dr. Corning. Please hear me out.”

“Mr. Brown?” Dr. Corning gazes sternly at him.

“Yes, Dr. Corning.” Taylor response in a somber tone.

“I have a feeling that Miss Stewart is about to intercede on your behalf. Would you excuse us for a moment?”

Taylor stands and faces me. “Aaron, What’s going on? Why is Dr. Corning referring to you as a girl? Why…”

“Taylor,” I say softly, looking at him with doe eyes. “please let me try to clear this up with Dr. Corning. Please?” I start to rub his arm. I immediately pull my hand back when I realize what I had just done. Taylor doesn’t know what to do. He looks over at Dr. Corning whose eyes are about as wide as Taylor’s.

“Mr. Brown, please excuse us.”

He looks over at me. “Aaron, I can defend myself. I don’t need…” I bring my hand to his mouth to signal for his silence.

“Please, let me have a chance to make this right?”

He again looks over at Dr. Corning. The confused puppy look reemerges on his face, “Looks like I’m outnumbered. Excuse me Dr. Corning, ‘Miss’ Stewart.” He walks hesitantly out the door. I close the door behind him.

“Now then, Miss Stewart, you had something to say?”

“Yes, Dr. Corning, Taylor was just looking out for me. He pulled me into the restroom because he didn’t know what was going on. He thought someone was forcing me to wear the uniform. He didn’t hurt me. He’s my friend, this was all just a mistake. You have to believe me. He’s not a bad guy, this is my fault for not telling him what was going on. He was reacting to all this, the only way he knew how. Please don’t do anything to him.”

“Young lady, I understand perfectly what has transpired. There is the matter that he pulled you into the restroom against your will. Detained you there and was observed physically assaulting you.”

“He was just trying to protect me.” I protest. “I’ve known him almost my whole life, he wouldn’t hurt me. I… I was just scared. I was caught off guard. He was trying to make me get a hold of myself. Please don’t do anything that would… I don’t want to see another person hurt because of my prank.” A knock on the door.

“Are you finished, Miss Stewart?”

I slightly nod my head.

“Come in.” Dr. Corning announces.

“Mr. Brown’s parents are here.”

“Thank you, Ms. Wilkes. If you will excuse us, Miss Stewart?”

“Please let me stay, I can’t help but feel responsible for what happened earlier. Taylor’s parents deserve to hear an explanation from me. It would be unfair to Taylor for his parents not to hear what I have to say.”

“This is highly unusual. I will speak with Mr. Brown’s parents alone. Now, if you will excuse us, Miss Stewart.”

“Please, I can’t have my friend’s future…”

“Miss Stewart, you are trying my patience, I am aware of the impact that this would have. You have had your opportunity to speak, out of turn, I may add. I suggest you join Mr. Brown outside while I speak with his parents.”

My resolve has left me. I lower my head and walk slowly out the door.

“Please show Mr. Brown’s parents in.”

I pass Taylor’s parents on the way out to the lobby. They don’t recognize me. I take a seat opposite Taylor in the lobby area.

Taylor looks up at me. “Can you please tell me what’s going on? What happened to you in the last month? You disappear after school, you’re almost never home. You practically dropped off the face of the earth then show up to school in a girl’s cheerleader uniform?”

“I dropped off the planet? Where were you? I was alone for the last month. You were gone. I tried calling you a dozen times. You just ignored me.”

“I was pissed, I told you not to do it! You didn’t want to listen to me. What else was I supposed to do? I figured, if I lay low, I wouldn’t be caught up in the mess YOU made.”

“I’m sorry, Taylor. You’re wrapped up in this ‘mess’ because of me. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I tried my best to explain what happened to Dr. Corning, I’m not sure what would happen now.”

“I’m being expelled.”

“What?”

“Zero tolerance. Dr. Corning is informing my parents that I’m to be transferred to another school in the District.”

“That’s so unfair!”

“At least they can’t file criminal charges because I’m a minor.”

“Criminal Charges? This has gotten way out of hand.”

“That’s life, ‘little girl.’ Dr. Corning grilled me and after the tongue lashing from the pissed off cheer bitch and her ogre. I’m probably not welcomed at this school after ‘assaulting’ the school’s newest cheerleader. Now, can you please tell me what you are doing in a girl’s cheerleader uniform?”

“I’m a cheerleader. Well, at least I was one.” I say sadly.

“Why do you have to be a girl cheerleader?”

“I’m not, I borrowed Amber’s uniform because we were trying to honor the death of Coach T. I don’t have a uniform of my own.”

“How did you go from almost killing your sister to replacing her?”

“My folks and the coaches, They came up with this punishment. They thought it would…”

“Make a ‘man’ out of you?”

“Taylor!” I throw an angry glare at him.

“I know, I know…” he says with a smile.

“Anyway, they thought I could do all the charity and fundraising on Amber’s behalf so she could stay on the squad while she recovered.”

“So, you’re not a girl? I mean, not trying to be a girl?”

“No,” I say, crossing my legs.

“Are you sure about that?”

“Taylor, this is just to honor Coach T.” I felt myself getting flushed.

“And the hair?”

“Oh, you like it?” I turn my head from side to side. “Gina, Lisa’s cousin, did a wonderful job with it. They’re extensions. Cute, don’t you think?”

I garner a puzzled look from Taylor. “Are you sure there isn’t more to this?”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know… You’ve been acting weird, even for you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m still me.” I say with a huff.

“You? Dr. Corning has repeatedly been calling you ‘Miss Stewart’, and you don’t bat an eyelash, you freak out about being in the boy’s bathroom, and in the principal’s office, you rubbed my arm. You’re even pouting like a girl. Are you even aware that you’re sitting like one?”

I look down, I uncross my legs and try to splay my legs open. I look up to a smirking Taylor. My modesty takes over, and my legs cross again.

“You can’t even sit like a guy for even a second, can you?”

“Well, It doesn’t feel right to do that wearing a skirt.”

“You feel right wearing the skirt, but not without crossing your legs?” He shakes his head. “Look, I’m not here to judge you. I don’t know any more of what’s going on with you than you do. You had better start asking yourself some serious questions. Your actions have consequences. You’ve already seen that in action. Heck, so far, everyone you know has been hurt by your little prank. Imagine what pretending to be a girl would do. I’m being expelled. What else could happen?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“You need, to be honest with yourself.”

“What does that even mean? Everyone from Dr. Corning to the girls on the cheer squad has asked me to ‘be honest with myself.’ What could I possibly be lying to myself about?”

“Mr. Brown, Dr. Corning would like to see you now.” Janice Wilkes interrupts.

Taylor looks over at Janice then to me, “I have to go face the music for my choices. It’s time for you to grow up and face what’s going on in your life. Goodbye, Miss Stewart.”

“Bye Taylor,” I say sadly.

---

After a few minutes. Taylor and his parents emerge from Dr. Corning’s office, they’re speaking cordially with each other.

Taylor’s expression is downcast. He walks over to me with his parents trailing behind. “Aaron?”

“Taylor, what happened?”

“I’m sorry I pulled you into the bathroom, I’m also sorry that I pinned you against the wall and made you scared.”

“Taylor? What’s going to happen to you?”

Mr. Brown interjects. “Aaron, under the circumstances I think it best that you have no further interaction with Taylor.”

“What? No, you can’t do that! That’s not fair. This was a misunderstanding. He was trying to…”

“Aaron, we understand what Taylor’s intentions were, and you don’t need to explain yourself. What Taylor did was wrong, despite his intentions. He’s apologizing and is asking for forgiveness.”

“Taylor’s been expelled hasn’t he?” I ask rhetorically. Their faces tell me all I need to know. “Oh god Taylor, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry for making you so worried about me. I didn’t think. Please forgive me?” I walk over to Taylor and pull him into a hug and start sobbing on his shoulder. He’s caught off guard. He doesn’t move.

“Aaron, we have to take Taylor home now.” Taylor’s dad says plainly.

I pull away from Taylor who has a bewildered look on him. Taylor’s mother puts an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a hug. “Aaron, sweetheart, you look very pretty in your uniform, and it’s sweet of you to apologize, but you have it all wrong. All of this is because of what Taylor did, and not because of who you are. You’re still welcome in our home, young lady. Okay? If you need to talk, I’m here for you.”

Even Taylor’s parents think I’m a girl? Has everyone gone nuts?

---

I’m told to take a seat in Dr. Corning’s office. At least my chair is warm.

Dr. Corning and Mrs. Yates enter the room. “Miss Stewart.” Dr. Corning begins. Mrs. Yates’ eyes go wide as she turns to Dr. Corning. “I want you to know that regardless of how you are dressed, it is not your fault. Okay? We do not tolerate that type of act upon our students.”

“Of course this is my fault!” I whine. “It’s all my fault. It’s my fault that Amber’s in the hospital! It was my stupid prank that got me into cheerleading. It was my fault that I’m in a cheerleader’s uniform!” With each exclamation, my voice raises an octave. “It was my fault for making Taylor worry about me! It was my fault for being so vulnerable to be pulled into the boy’s bathroom! It’s my fault that I’m crying like a girl!” Tears spill from my eyes. I let out a high-pitched yelp before breaking down again.

Dr. Corning rushes over to me, pulls me into her. I’m crying violently now. How can all of this be anything, but my fault! She’s rubbing my back trying to calm me. Each wail out of me pierces through me. I cry myself into exhaustion.

“Shhh. Shhh. It’s alright, sweetheart, It’s going to be alright.” Dr. Corning waits for me to calm down. I’m embarrassed at being so emotional. My lungs burn from my wailing, and my cheeks are raw. My makeup is all but washed off. A few more minutes go by as I pull another tissue from the box that rests on my lap. “Miss Stewart, are you feeling any better now?”

I nod my head.

“Young lady,” Dr. Corning addresses me. “I want you to listen very carefully to me. Can you do that?”

Again, I nod my head.

“You must not blame yourself for this. Okay? Mr. Brown should have had more respect for you as a student and as a young lady to abuse you in any way.”

“But…”

“No buts, Miss Stewart, you did nothing to deserve being treated that way.” Dr. Corning tries to reassure me. “Do you believe me?”

I nod my head.

Mrs. Yates turns to Dr. Corning. “Gloria, I’d like to speak with Miss Stewart alone for a few minutes?”

“Of course, I’ll be right outside.” Dr. Corning walks towards the doorway and pulls the door gingerly closed. The door shuts with a muffled thud.

“First off, Aaron, May I call you Aaron or is there another name you prefer?”

“Aaron is fine,” I say, my fingers running along the perforated opening of the tissue box.

“Aaron, I want you to know that whatever you tell me is strictly between you and me. Unless I have reason to believe that you may harm yourself or others, I cannot share what is said here with anyone else, not your parents, your teachers, or Dr. Corning. Is that alright?” her voice is soft and nurturing.

“Okay.”

“To be honest, I was a bit surprised when Dr. Corning said your name. You looked like a completely different person from the young man I met yesterday.”

“I’m curious, How do you feel when she refers to you as a female? Does that bother you to be referred to as a female?”

“Well, no. I’m sure people are reacting to how I look.”

“Do you like how you look?”

“I’m just glad I don’t look like a boy in a dress.”

“You certainly don’t. I love what you did with your hair. Extensions?”

“Oh yes, Lisa’s cousin Gina did a wonderful job on it. It's so pretty, isn’t it? I thought we should have gone with a wig, but I was wrong, this looks really natural. Don’t you think?”

“Yes, You look lovely in a cheer uniform.”

I feel the corners of my mouth edge slightly upward.

“Is that your uniform?” Her question posed ever so gently.

“No, I borrowed Amber's.”

“I see, have you ever borrowed any other clothing from Amber?”

I shake my head, “No.”

“How do you feel about wearing it?

“I don’t know, sad I guess. Amber really should be the one wearing this, it’s her uniform after all.”

“May I ask, why you are wearing it?”

“The girls and I thought it would be a nice tribute to Coach T, for us to wear the uniform to school.”

“You don’t have a uniform of your own?”

“No, I only recently joined the squad, after Amber was hurt.”

“I see, we’ll touch on that in a bit. Do you like how you look wearing the uniform?”

“At first it felt… I kind of felt naked wearing it. I mean, it shows so much skin.” I cross my legs, and the tissue box falls and smacks the floor. I close my eyes, shake my head, uncross my legs, then reach down to pick up the tissue box and lay it on Dr. Corning’s Desk. “Sorry.”

“How did you feel as the day wore on?”

“It took some time to get used to it, Ellie had to tell me to stop pulling at the hem of my skirt a few times on the walk to school.”

“I have to commend you for being brave enough to come to school wearing a girl’s cheer uniform to honor Coach T. Aside from the incident with Taylor this afternoon. How have you been treated?”

“People have treated me differently all day. I thought I’d be seen as a weirdo. Some guy in a cheerleader outfit. But it’s been different.”

“Is that a good thing?”

“On one hand, people have been friendlier to me than they ever have. A few complimented me on how pretty I was in my uniform.” I can’t stop the grin on my face. “On the other hand,” I feel my smile begin to wilt. “I'm not used to this much attention. The incident in the bathroom with Taylor showed me how vulnerable I was. All I could think about at the moment was how afraid I was.” I feel the anxiety building within me. I cross my arms over my chest, and my knees are squeezing together. “When I was pulled into the bathroom, it wasn’t Taylor that pulled me in there. I mean it was Taylor, but to me?” I cringe. “It was some guy that pulled me into a place where…” I hug myself tighter. “I wouldn’t be able to stop him…” I look up feeling distraught. “Do you know what that’s like?”

“For someone in your position…”

“My position? This entire day, people have treated me like a girl, as if it as the most natural thing in the world. People had been asking me to be honest with myself. Asking if this is who I really am. Some were even happy that I was no longer ‘hiding.’ I don’t know what to make of it. What I do know is that I…”

I start to recall how I felt when Taylor grabbed me, The shock of being pulled against my will. The fear of the unknown consequences of donning a girl’s uniform, in concert with feeling so naked. Then to have Taylor pin me against the wall and not knowing what would happen next. That nobody was there to stop him. “I don’t want to be that vulnerable. I don’t want to be that helpless. I don’t ever want to be that scared!” I cover my face with my hand hanging my head, sobbing. I quietly utter, “This has been the best and worst day of my life.”

Mrs. Yates gives me a moment to calm down.

“Aaron, you’ve been through a lot. Not just today but at least the last month. You’re in a new school, your sister was injured, and you feel responsible. You were forced on to the squad and then was removed. Your coach passed away, and you were assaulted on your first day at school dressed as a young lady. That’s a lot for anyone to handle. You are under a lot of stress. That stress is something that will continue to build unless you find a way to manage it.”

“How would I do that?”

“You could work with a counselor, someone you feel comfortable speaking with.”

“Aren’t you the counselor?”

“Well yes and no. I’m only contracted with the district on an as-needed basis. There isn’t enough money to staff a counselor full time for the district let alone each school.”

“Oh, I don’t think my parents can afford a therapist. We’re barely making ends meet as it is.”

“How about this? I’ll give you my card, and you can have your parents call me, maybe we can work something out. In the meantime, I’m contracted for the next week, so we can meet either during lunch or after school if you would like.” She hands me one of her cards. Then I realize the uniform doesn’t have any pockets.

“I’d like that.” I sheepishly accept the card.

“I have to ask, do you intend to continue dressing as a young woman?”

“No, it was just supposed to be for today.”

There is a soft knock on the door. Dr. Corning peeks her head in. “How are things going in here?”

Mrs. Yates walks over to Dr. Corning, “Gloria, may I speak with you for a moment?”

“Of course, Teresa.”

“Oh, Miss Stewart? I believe you left this in the Nurse’s office.” Dr. Corning holds out my backpack which I accept happily.

I place the card in the backpack pouch. “I have to use the restroom, may I?”

“You may use the restroom by the nurse’s office, but return here afterward.” Dr. Corning says to me, looking at the clock on her wall.

I use the commode which is definitely cleaner than the ones in the ladies room. Sitting just to pee is kind of odd for me, but it’s better than splashing my bare legs.

I walk over to the mirror. My makeup is a mess. That irks me for some reason. I grab a paper towel from the dispenser and wet it at the sink. I dab the areas under my eyes, where dark streaks from my tears had dried. I gently dab at my cheeks as well. My lips are a mess. I walk over to my backpack and retrieve the lipgloss. I walk over to the mirror and smooth a coat of the lacquer on my lips as I hear a knock on the door.

“Aaron?” Dr. Corning peeks her head in. She spies me at the mirror. She watches me as if studying me, She waits for me to finish. I close the tube of lipgloss and turn around and give her a slightly embarrassed smile.

“Sorry, Dr. Corning. I was just…” I cast my eyes downward. “I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“Nonsense, Miss Stewart, you don’t have to apologize… It’s perfectly natural for a young lady to want to make herself presentable. Now, please follow me to my office will you? I’d like to continue our conversation.”

I walk with Dr. Corning to her office. Mrs. Yates is already there. Dr. Corning takes a seat at her desk, and I take my seat this time remembering to tuck my skirt under me and cross my legs with my fingers laced over my knee. I take a deep breath. “Okay.”

I’m not sure what was said. They asked me questions, and I answered. I kept thinking about all the people that my prank had hurt. I needed to make it up to them, I just didn’t know how. I thought going to the field to watch practice would help clear my head.

I found the field empty. I had forgotten that there was no coach to supervise the practice and give access to the locker rooms.

I started the day surrounded by the girls on the squad. I felt like I was one of them, part of a team. They had accepted me into their fold. Defended me, rallied around me when I was assaulted. I felt the bond with them grow and the pain of watching Ellie's anguish from her realization of what might have happened to her from my actions.

I needed to repair the chasm between Amber and me. I needed bridge the gulf growing between Ellie and me. I needed my sisters. I have not returned their kindness. Perhaps, it took losing the people close to me to realize how important they are to me. They had been so selfless towards me. Taylor risked his future in trying to help me. Ellie risked the ire of the squad in reaching out to me. Monica risked the respect of the squad by welcoming me in. I’ve done nothing to be worthy of their kindness. It's time I changed that.

At day’s end, I’m looking out on an empty field. Is this what the future holds without a coach? Is there still a squad? I need them so much. Sadly, I leave the field and start my long walk home. Alone.

---

Author's note: I hope you all don't mind the early and longer chapter. I knew I didn't have web access on Monday to upload this chapter, so I posted it early. I'll resume the Monday posting schedule with Chapter 13. Thank you all for reading, commenting, and encouraging this story along.

Special thanks to those that PM'd me with their input on how to improve this story. I love you all for taking an interest and helping to make me become a better writer!

Hugs!
Leila

I’m scared to walk home alone. After the events of today, I don’t want to be alone. I reach the gate that exits the school grounds, and I eye it nervously. Come on Aaron. You’ve done this before. It’s just a walk home. I don’t know why I’m so apprehensive about walking home alone. I’m not used to being this paranoid. What did I think would happen to me? I look down at my skirt. My legs bare to the no-show socks. My heart is pounding. My stomach is in knots.

I was supposed to walk home with Ellie. I wish I hadn't made her so mad at me. I’m figuratively kicking myself for doing so.

The open gate seems to taunt me. ‘A man would have no problems walking home alone. You’re not one are you?’

I shake my head trying to steel myself. Was I starting to think of myself as a girl? Monica’s words haunt me. ‘You don’t honestly see her as a boy do you? Do any of you?’ I wasn’t a man, at least I wasn’t thinking like one.

“Hey!” A voice from behind me. He startles me.

I let out a high pitched yelp. Embarrassed, I bring my hands to cup my mouth.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

My heartbeat is racing. I turn and freeze.

“Are you alright? I’m Marcus by the way.” he grins, sending me retreating a step or two.

“Hey, I didn't mean to scare you. You’re that new cheerleader, right? Erin? Do I have that right?”

My name sounds different when he says it. “Um yes, that’s right,” I reply, rather nervously.

“Are you waiting for some friends of yours?”

“Yes, I think the other members of the squad should be heading home. I was going to join them.”

“Actually, Allison told me they were going to practice in McKinley Park this afternoon. Shouldn’t you be headed there yourself?”

“I…”

“Look, Allison is my girlfriend, if you’re worried about me. Here.” Marcus pulls out his cell phone and hands it to me. The lock screen has a photo of him and her together in the display. Aww. They make a cute couple. “See? I love that picture of us. It was at the Labor Day carnival a few weeks back.” A message on his phone comes up:

Ally: Hey babe, can you pick up a few bottles of water for us?

“Um, I think you have a text.” I hand Marcus back the phone.

He texts back a reply. Marcus shoves the phone in his pocket and turns to me. “Hey, if you are headed to the park, I can walk with you; I mean if you’re worried about walking there alone.”

An escort would be nice. Plus it gives me a chance to speak with Ellie. Perhaps the girls have calmed her down. I accept the offer. I probably wouldn’t have had it not been for Allison’s text message.

“So how did you end up as a cheerleader in your freshman year?”

“How did you know I was a freshman?”

“Aside from the fact that you wear almost no makeup for a cheerleader, and look like your 12?”

“I’m thirteen, I’ll be fourteen in a month.”

“Fair enough. None of the girls were cheerleaders in freshman year, at least none that I’ve heard of. You must really be talented.”

“My sister Amber is on the squad. Well, at least she was before she got hurt.”

“I heard that too. I’ve got to say, you must have been really jealous to pull that prank on your own sister. I didn’t know girls would do that to each other.”

“I was stupid. I’m paying for it now.”

“Oh jeez, it must be real hell being a pretty girl on the cheerleading squad, huh? Yeah, you’re really paying for it…” his words drip with sarcasm. He flashes me a smile. “At least you’re over that tomboy phase.”

I thought of breaking the news to him that I wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t sure how he’d take the news that I was really a boy. “It’s hard work being on the squad. And it’s not like I had a choice. Amber would have lost her spot on the squad if I didn’t join.”

“Cry me a river, princess. I’ve seen you at practice. You loved being on the squad.” He says with almost a chortle. “Come on, Ally and the squad are waiting.”

We stop by a convenience store to pick up some bottles of water. I don’t have any money, but Marcus kindly offers me a bottle of water. Just as he’s about to hand it to me, he pulls it away, he twists the cap off with his thumb and index finger while holding the bottle with his palm and three remaining fingers. His other hand was holding the bag filled with bottles of water. I’m impressed. He hands the bottle back to me. He murmurs a “Sorry.”

Having Marcus there to walk me to the park calmed me, much like Ellie did on the way to school. Marcus said very little after leaving the convenience store. He occasionally brought his own bottle of water to his lips to gulp down a mouthful.

---

We approached the park. I could see the girls in their uniforms. Six of them were in formation. Ellie sits at one of the park benches watching the squad run through their routine. It struck me as odd that she wouldn’t be part of the formation. It was then that I remembered she was made an ‘alternate’ since the squad was officially reduced to six. When Amber was removed from the squad, Ellie was made an alternate. That must be why she was so mad about the prank. She was upset at being made an alternate. Being sidelined meant she wouldn’t be able to perform with the girls. She would be relegated to watching the squad. She must have felt like an outcast. Her reason for being mad at me came into focus. My heart sank.

“Oh good, you made it.” Monica smiles at me. “I’m glad you came, we’re practicing the routine. When Amber was officially taken off the squad we had to re-choreograph it for six. So you and Ellie don’t really need to do anything but watch.” My eyes drift towards Ellie. Her sad expression sours further. At least she hasn’t turned the squad against me.

Allison smiles and runs over to Marcus giving him a kiss. “You are a life saver.” She grabs a bottle of water from the plastic bag, and the rest of the girls approached us leaving Ellie behind to smolder.

I walk over towards Ellie. Her stare could burn through steel. The girls are drinking and chatting, trying to relax.

“Ellie, I’m sorry I didn’t realize…” I start, “But, you have to believe me,” I murmur. “I didn’t mean for all this to happen when I pulled the prank. You’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

She looks at me, her eyes cold and hurt. “And we know how well you treat your own sister, don’t we.” She walks past me to join the rest of the squad. It feels like a knife was plunged into my heart. I have my back to the squad. It hides the tears I’m now shedding. I lower my head and walk away from the squad. I’m in a daze.

Why did I come here? What was I expecting? I take off running as fast as I can, trying to outrun the pain. It stalks me. I slow as I pass the community center. There’s nobody in the office. The doors are closed. I round the corner of the building. My heart still aching from Ellie’s allusion to Amber, her fall, and my prank. I rest my back against the red brick wall. It's the only thing holding me upright. My fingers trace the crease between bricks behind me, the flood of tears pours out of me as my anguish pulls me to the ground.

My fit of sobbing subsides. I stare through bloodshot eyes at the playground in the distance. The breeze picks up, rustling the trees as the leaves fall. I hear the scrape of fallen leaves on the concrete of the playground. Ellie hurt me. It was more than I thought possible. The wind sends the swings in motion. They pendulum in the distance. I thought back on the first day I met the squad here at McKinley Park. That first encounter with Lisa and Cindy. The note that Monica left at my door. How I sat on the swing trying to contemplate the loneliness of my life. At that point, the note seemed to be my lifeline. A connection? What did I have left? The swings beckon me.

As I push myself up off the ground, I lethargically approach the swings and have a seat on one of them. I was hoping that somehow, it would cheer me up. I swing lazily back and forth as my shoes burrow into the sand. I kick up some sand with my feet and watch it rain back down. I rest my head on the cold, rusted chain on the swing. I feel my finger run over the links up and down as I look around. I feel my chest tighten. I’m alone again. I hated being alone. Taylor’s gone, my sister won’t talk to me, my parents ignore me, Ellie hates me, and I hate me. What’s left? Ellie was my last chance to salvage what little I had in the way of true friends. There was nobody left. There’s nobody here. Nobody cares. Nobody to stop me. I look up at the long chain suspended by the cross arm. I stand and wrap the chain around my hand and pull.

I pull the swing with me as I approach the adjacent swing. I only need the chain. I’m not even sure that it’s me doing this, my head clouded with despair. I stand on the saddle of the swing, balancing myself on it. I feel the cold chain of the free swing wrap around me like a scarf. Once, Twice, Thrice… All I need is for my feet to give way. My tennis shoe slides off the plastic rubber seat. I feel the chain tighten around my neck. I gasp for air but to no avail. My vision fades. I feel myself slowly suffocate, everything slowly goes dark.

I hear the faint sound of birds in the distance and the wind through the trees. I’m not expecting anyone to come looking for me. Why should they?

---

Darkness. I feel like I’m supine, being pulled upward as If levitating. I’m dead, I know it There is nothing touching me. Like I’m held in midair. I’m falling.

I hear crying. I shouldn’t hear anything, should I? I hear it. It’s faint, but it’s still there.

Silence.

---

I still see nothing.

“How could she? Was it so bad?” The voices are all around me.

“Didn’t she try to talk to someone?” a voice to my left.

“Anybody knows why?” a different voice to my right.

Silence.

---

A voice in the darkness… “Hey, here goes nothing.” Taylor?

I pick my head up. My vision comes into focus. I'm laying on the grass. “What happened?”

“What do you mean, ‘What happened?’ Nothing happened.” Taylor’s voice reverbs next to me. My head jerks towards him. He’s laying on the grass with his hands crossed behind his head.

“How did I get off the swing? Why am I not dead.” I’m trying to find my bearings.

“The swing? Dead? Erin, what are you talking about?”

“I… I was on the swing. At the park? You… YOU were expelled.”

“I was expelled for you being on the swing?”

“No, for pulling me into the men’s room.”

“Why would I pull you into the men’s room? The women’s would be cleaner…” his brows raise and lower rapidly.

“Cleaner? for what?”

“Never-mind that, you said ‘I was expelled?’ That must have sucked.”

“Yes, Dr. Corning expelled you for pulling me into the men’s room. They thought you assaulted me.”

“Erin, why would anyone think that I assaulted you?”

“Because you grabbed me.” I reach for my wrist to caress it. “Then, you pulled me into the restroom to ask me why I was wearing the cheerleader uniform.”

“You? A cheerleader? Like, ‘Rah-Rah, go, fight, win?’ kind of cheerleader?” He mockingly punches his fist in the air.

I glare at him.

“Sorry, it’s hard to imagine you as a cheerleader. You were never exactly the school spirit type of girl.”

“I’m not a girl”

“You could have fooled me. You kiss like one.”

“Gross! What’s the matter with you?”

“Gross? What’s gotten into you.” He picks his head off the grass, eyeing me curiously.

“Me? Why would you even joke about kissing me?”

“Joke? Who’s joking.” He leans into me and I pull back.

“What are you doing?”

“I was trying to kiss my girlfriend. Hey, are we having a fight? Did I do something wrong?”

I look into his eyes and feel my heart flutter. “No… What was I saying?”

He moves in towards me and I close my eyes. Everything goes dark.

Silence.

---

I feel myself rise again, I can’t move. Coldness washes over me. It fills me and fades.

I hear more crying.

“I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t know. I should have been paying attention. We saw the note in your backpack. We didn’t know you were unhappy being a boy. Come back to us my darling girl.”

Mom? Is that you? Mom? The note? Dr. Corning’s note? NO! I try to speak the words, I should be talking, but no air pushes through my lungs. My larynx is still. No air passes out of my mouth.

Silence.

---

“Please, come back to us. I love you.”

Amber? her voice is tired.

Silence.

---

A flash of light.

“It’s been a month already. There’s still brain activity. We don’t know when or if she will wake. These things take time.” I’m not sure who is saying that, but I’m convinced that I didn’t succeed in taking my own life. I don’t know whether I should be sad or relieved?

Silence.

---

I’m bit disoriented. I’m sitting up. I think I’m on top of a bed. I feel a tug on my hair. I open my eyes. “Honestly, Erin. You really should take better care of your hair. It’s all knotted up back here.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey. Hold still. This mat of hair you’ve got here is tough to straighten out.” I feel another tug on my hair.

I’m sitting on a bed in a room that is completely unfamiliar to me. The room is definitely feminine, but it’s not Amber’s. “What happened? Wasn’t I in the hospital or something?”

“Erin, honey you’ve been here with me this whole time. What are you talking about young lady?”

“Young lady? I’m not a girl. Mom.”

“Not a girl? Erin sweetheart, where would you come up with such foolishness?

“I was born a boy. why are you treating me like a girl?”

“You a boy? You were never anything but my precious baby girl. Now sit still, if I don’t get these knots out of your hair we won’t be able to do a thing with it.”

My vision starts to fade I close my eyes and try to relax.

I feel myself being pulled upward again. I feel a chill radiate through me. I don’t feel like I have control over my body. I can’t move my arms or legs even though I know they should be as I try to flail them. I start falling, the speed of my descent more rapid with each second. It feels like an eternity. I’m slowing, but nothing breaks my fall.

Silence.

---

I see more flashes of light randomly placed. It pierces the darkness, but there's no sound. It feels like I’m in a pool, floating to the surface.

“I’m so sorry, please come back to us. We miss you. I miss you.”

Ellie? Ellie please forgive me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I’m so sorry.

Silence.

---

I smell roses.

“Are you still in there? Sorry, I haven’t visited for a while. School has been hectic. People are still asking how my sister is doing. I’m still getting used to that. Please hear me. I love you.”

Amber, I love you too.

Silence.

---

It feels like I’m swallowing, but nothing moves in or out of my throat.

“Mom and Dad say that I have to face the fact that you may not be coming back to us.”

Amber? Have you been crying?

“I know you could hear me. Just like I heard you. You said ‘I need you.’ Please come back to us. I need my sister too. Please come back to us. I love you so much.”

Sister? Did Amber just call me her sister?

I feel something grasp my hand. I feel a squeeze. I feel myself squeeze back.

“She squeezed my hand! She squeezed my hand! Dad!”

“She’s not moving, maybe it was involuntary?” It sounds like dad.

“No. You've got to believe me. She squeezed my hand!”

“Amber, honey you’ve got to calm down.” Mom chimes in from across the room.

“I’m not going to calm down! I’m telling you she squeezed my hand!”

“Sis, please for me, squeeze, one more time!” Amber pleads with me. I sense the desperation in her voice. “Please, I didn't imagine it. You have to believe me.”

“Sorry. I don’t feel anything. Are you sure?” another voice I’m not familiar with.

I’m trying to squeeze. Nothing is happening.

“Sis, please squeeze for me. Please, I miss you so much.” Amber pleads. “You can hear me, I know it. Please, show us you hear me!”

“Honey, you’ve been here all day, perhaps you should get some rest.” I think that was Mom again.

“No, I know what I felt!” Amber’s voice grows more desperate, “I know she can hear me. I’m not leaving.” She’s begging me, "I know it’s been hard and I know you may not want to be with us. But, I love you so much. Please show us you can hear us. Please!”

Squeeze, I have to squeeze…

It seems like it’s night. The lights are dim. I see machines glow in the distance. My vision is fuzzy, so the lights are a radiating blur rather than something distinct. I try to raise my right arm, but something holds them down. A cuff on my wrist. I try the same with my left wrist. A cuff on my wrist there too. I’m tied down and immediately go into a panic. My heart rate spikes and alarms go off. A flash of light from beyond the bed to my right and a shadowy figure enters. I try to scream, but it comes out as a slight whimper. I’m struggling against the restraints. “You’re okay, please calm down. I need you to calm down for me. You’re restrained for your own safety.”

I’m so scared. I’m panicking. I can’t breathe.

The lights flash on. A woman with gray hair wearing a faded green smock similar to the ones at the hospital is trying to calm me down. Is this real? “You’ve got to calm down for me sweetheart.”

Everything goes black.

---

My head is pounding. I’m groggy. My eyes open slowly adjusting to the light in the room. Is any of this real? I’m still in a hospital room, at least that’s the last thing I remember. The room is sparse. There’s only a TV mounted from the ceiling. There’s a machine to my left that looks like it’s monitoring my heartbeat. I can’t turn my head to get a better look. There something preventing me from turning my head. I’d pinch myself, but my arms are restrained.

There’s a door at the far end of the room to my right, My mouth is dry, and my throat is sore. I try to swallow, but there is some resistance there. A nurse enters the room. She’s in a smock and brightly colored pants. To be honest, I can only guess I’m in a hospital. The dreams were very vivid. I wonder how much of it actually happened?

I think the nurse is aware that I’m awake. “Try not to move, we don’t want you fainting like you did last night. The doctor will be in shortly.” The nurse has a cheery disposition almost effervescent.

Another figure enters the room. A tall man, with glasses, his dark hair parted in a crew cut. He initiates a conversation with the nurse. They speak quietly so I can’t hear them. He's wearing a white lab coat with a powdered blue smock underneath and pants to match. He looks up at something above me, then at the metal clipboard in his hand. He slowly walks towards my bedside. “I’m Doctor Myers. I’ll be joined by Doctor Cho in a minute.”

He runs me through a battery of diagnostics. He’s almost mechanical in his movements almost as if he is diagnosing a chemistry experiment gone wrong than treating a patient. I had to ‘blink once for yes and twice for no.' He told me to do so since my neck and throat suffered some injury, most of which has yet to fully heal. The feeding tube up my nose and down my throat was a detail I could have lived without. Dr. Myers raised the bed and proceeded to remove the collar around my neck saying that it was a ‘precautionary measure they used on patients with neck and spinal injuries.’

“Feel better?”

I give a slight nod forgetting to blink. I try to swallow, and I feel the pain immediately. The doctor sees my distress. He tells me the pain will decrease over time.

Another man, Asian, with gray hair enters the room. He must be Dr. Cho. He has a kind face compared to that of Dr. Myers who was more stoic. They converse away from me. I can’t really make out what they have to say to each other. Dr. Myers takes his leave, and Dr. Cho approaches. He smiles at me warmly. I smile back. He reminds me of my grandfather. Well, Mom’s dad, who had a very sunny disposition. “I’m Doctor Cho. I’m the staff psychologist here. I’m here to help if you’ll let me, okay?” He has a radiant smile that you can’t say ‘no’ to. I nod my assent. Dr. Cho released my restraints, and I rub my wrists. No sooner than he has a chance to sit down, he is called away on an emergency, leaving me to sit in the empty room.

My thoughts grow darker as the nurse re-enters the room. “Would you like to watch some television?” she asks.

She shows me how to use the call pendant to control the TV and signal for assistance. It also controls the bed.

Powering on the TV, the first channel I see is the news. It’s October. I’ve been unconscious for over a month. A news story catches my attention.

The Principal at Bay View High School is under investigation for possible misconduct after one of the male students was allegedly assigned to the all-girls cheerleading squad and even attended classes as a girl. The story came to light after it was reported that the student, who’s name has been withheld, had attempted suicide by hanging from the chain of a swing at a local park. The student was still wearing a girl’s cheerleading uniform when found. We have also learned that the student was assaulted by another student earlier that day in a separate incident. Interviews with some students revealed that the cheerleader was forced on the squad as punishment after a prank had gone awry. The District has issued this statement:

We are saddened and outraged at the recent events at Bay View High School. The District is cooperating with investigators, and the Principal has been placed on administrative leave pending a full investigation.

It is unclear whether the Principal was, herself, involved in the assignment of the student to the cheerleading squad and what role the coaches and students on the squad played in this bizarre story.

The student did survive the attempted suicide and is being treated at a local area hospital.

I turned off the TV. I wasn’t expecting that it would go that far. Dr. Corning may lose her job, and the girls would be vilified. I couldn’t imagine that so much would go wrong when I started. My suicide attempt, another in a line of events that hurt others. It seems that everything I do lately hurts someone. A wave of guilt washes over me.

The darkness grew within me. Had death claimed me, I would have escaped what further humiliation lay before me. Had I fallen into death’s embrace, I couldn’t harm anyone anymore. Had I accepted death’s kiss, I wouldn’t hurt anymore. Even death didn’t love me enough to spirit me away from my life now so fraught with so much anguish. Karma?

If I couldn’t take my own life. What else could I do with it? It didn’t matter that the news did not share my name. Everyone at the school knew. Would I return to my position of ignominy? Would I again be the pariah? Would I continue to hurt more people? Could I escape… Me?

I put down the pendant controls and notice the white band on my wrist. I recognized the band as one Amber wore on her wrist when I visited her in the hospital. I examined it carefully.
STEWART, ERIN

E-R-I-N? There must be some mistake.

A head peeked into my room. “Hey? I heard you were awake.” Amber?

She approaches my bedside. “It’s a bit different from that side of the bed isn’t it?” Her voice has a touch of sadness. She’s talking to me? Wasn’t she still mad at me?

I couldn’t look up at her. I stared at the white hospital band on my wrist.

“You look different with long hair. You could be Ellie’s twin, did you know that? After you… After you were rescued. Ellie quit the squad, and she won’t talk to anyone; not even me. No one knows why.”

I close my eyes trying not to remember Ellie's last words to me. They flashed in my head in spite of myself.

“I’m back in school. Everyone misses you. They keep asking me how my sister is doing. I’m still trying to get used to that.”

I sit there silent. Not knowing what to say, I'm engulfed in my inability to end my own life.

“Mom and Dad are outside. They’re talking with the doctors that are treating you. Mom’s taking it all pretty hard, you know. She’s really concerned that all this is her fault.”

I close my eyes.

“I’m not on the squad anymore, either. The doctors say I can’t do anything strenuous for at least a year and I don’t think the doctors will ever clear me to even play sports again. I’ve spent more time with Lisa since I’ve been back. She told me about what happened to her and why she can’t cheer anymore. She told me not to say anything. She says ‘hi.' by the way.”

I don't know why, but I can't bring myself to respond.

“Erin, please say something. I don’t understand any of this. Were you that jealous of me? Was that why you pulled the prank? They all said how much of a different person you once were. They were glad you came out of your shell and finally showed yourself as a girl.”

All that from a single day? From a single day dressed as a cheerleader, they all formed that opinion of me? Was it that easy?

“Was that it? You wanted to be a girl? Did it hurt that much being a boy? Please talk to me. Erin? Sis?”

I open my mouth to speak. Amber pauses and waits for what I have to say. I take a breath. I whisper dry and monotone. “Why am I not dead?” It’s more a lament than a question.

The question stuns Amber. I watch her shudder. I see tears well in her eyes. Her words have left her. She slowly turns and walks away into the arms of our dad. He pulls her into an embrace as she sobs. “It’s okay, Amber.” Dad rubs her back to soothe her. “Can you go wait in the lobby?”

Amber looks up at our dad, nods and makes her way to the door closing it behind her.

Dad walks to my bedside. “How are you holding up?”

“I…” I feel my throat begin to burn as soon as I try to speak. I swallow to clear my throat only to be greeted with a sharp pain. I try to push through the pain. “it hurts to talk.”

“I gathered that. Look honey…”

I knit my brows together at the pseudonym reserved for my sister Amber.

“It’s alright. We know about you going to school as a girl. We probably should have explored why you were so isolated growing up. It’s our fault for… for not keeping up with how you were doing. It does make sense that you would be embarrassed to show us who you really are.”

I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure if there is anything to say.

Dad continues, “I probably should have seen it. That discussion on the drive to the hospital to visit Amber… The one about you wanting to be a cheerleader makes more sense now. You were trying to open up to me about wanting to be a girl. I… I guess I wasn’t listening close enough.”

I try to recall the discussion. I don’t think there was anything that I said that even hinted that I wanted to be a girl.

He takes my hand in his, “Honey, we still love you. I’m just a bit shocked that it happened so quickly. Sweetheart, you don’t have to hide this from us.”

He’s treating me like Amber. I don’t know why, but I’m starting to cry.

“Don’t cry, baby girl. We’ve worked it out with the hospital that you should be treated as a girl just like Dr. Corning did with you at school. It’s a small step, but we’re working with the counselor that has been helping you. Evelyn Yates? We found her card along with Dr. Corning’s note. We called Evelyn to try to find out more. When we told her that you had attempted to take your own life, she confirmed for us that she had spoken with you.”

I try to rub the tears away from my eyes. Dad grabs a tissue from somewhere and begins to dab at my eyes. He’s only been this gentle with Amber. I start to blush from his show of affection.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. We only want you to be happy. Your friends seem to think that you were happy when you came out as a girl. They were all shocked as much as we were that you would take your own life. We were just lucky that Marcus went looking for you.”

A soft knock on the door. Mom joins Dad at my bedside. They share a look, and he walks out. “I’m so sorry you had to go so far to show us who you are. My darling daughter, you must have been in so much pain. I want you to know that we’re here for you. I have to admit that we know next to nothing about transgenderism, but I’m willing to learn to understand what you have been going through. The doctors say that suicide is pretty common for girls like yourself. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“I can’t be a girl,” I say straining my voice.

“Baby, we’ll do everything we can to support you. I’d rather my daughter be alive than my son, dead.” My mom’s words to me were more cryptic than I could fathom. She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “I’ll check on you later okay, darling?”

I nod as the pain in my throat subsides. She turns and leaves me with my thoughts. Mom, Dad, and Amber were so ready to accept me as a girl. They are willing to support me along that path. What did I have as a boy? Even in my darkest moments, my family had little or no affection or real concern for Aaron.

Despite the incidents with Taylor and Ellie, that day was one of the first days I felt positive about myself. Was it better to live as Erin, a girl everyone liked and have the support of family and friends? I knew Aaron wouldn’t have the support of either. Even if 'he' returned, they'd all want to see 'her' or wonder what happened to 'her'. Aaron was nobody, a loner who hated himself and could not make any friends. Erin made friends quickly, she was treated well at school, and everyone rallied around her when she needed their support.

In a moment of clarity, I made my decision. Aaron died on the swing, alone and friendless. Erin was rescued by people who wanted to save her. She was the one that woke up this morning. She is the one who survived. I look again at the white band on my wrist. E-R-I-N, I'd better get used to that.

---

Author’s note. This concludes Part 2 of The Squad. The direction of this story has departed far away from my original vision. The new course of the story left me little choice but to scrap my original ideas for the concluding part this story.

With that, I will be taking a hiatus before releasing Part 3, so that I may give this story a proper conclusion. I’m learning so much about the writing process. I hope that all your input and advice pays off in future stories.

Sorry to my anxious readers, you have all been so great for reading, commenting, and encouraging this work. I know that this story is nothing without you, the readers. I will try to keep the break as brief as I can.

I love you all!
Hugs,
Leila

It has been such a long time since all this started. I poured through the memories in my head of the last two and a half months. The air horn prank that I pulled on Amber and Ellie. Amber falling through the trio of cheerleaders who were propping her up. The ambulance taking my sister away to a hospital where she laid in a coma for almost a month. Joining the cheer squad as a temporary cheerleader, my punishment for my prank. The threat that if I didn’t improve or quit, I would be expelled from school. The loneliness of being a social outcast, compounded by my parents abandoning me so they may care for Amber and be by her bedside while she was unconscious.

My thoughts then turned to Ellie and Lisa and how they were becoming closer to me than even Taylor, who was supposed to be my best friend. I also recalled the joy of improving and being part of the squad. My emotional speech to the squad hoping that they would find the kindness to forgive me and accept me as one of them.

My thoughts then turned to being kicked off the squad by Dr. Corning who thought it an injustice that I was being forced against my will because of the impromptu punishment that my parents and Coach Tompkins devised. It just seemed to get worse from there. Amber’s rejection of my apology, her silence towards me. Then there is my aborted plea to Monica to rejoin the squad.

Coach Tompkins death lead to a bittersweet series of events. The announcement brought pain and sadness of her death, but also opened Monica’s heart to allow me to share in the squad’s mourning. I never thought I would be so hurt and healed at the same time when Monica pulled me into the squad’s embrace after learning of Coach T’s death. Then seeing the heartbreak on Lisa’s face when she realized that she wasn’t included when we were all told of Coach T’s death. That reminded me of the isolation she felt by not being part of the squad.

I remember looking at myself in Ellie’s mirror while wearing Amber’s uniform. It was a feeling so intense I could barely fathom what it meant. I remember the apprehension I felt walking to school in Amber’s uniform with Ellie at my side. Seeing the young woman I could be, I was shown another possibility for my life, one where I was someone else entirely. The thought was there in the back of my mind... I thought of myself as someone people could accept, but it wasn't Aaron, it was the pretty young girl wearing her sister's cheer uniform. Monica, the squad, the students… even Dr. Corning and the teachers were so ready to accept me as any other teenage girl. I thought my life was turning a corner. I thought for all of the bad; I could handle what was to come because I had good friends like Ellie and Lisa.

There is an uneasiness of being something you never were. I was never dressed as a girl, treated as a female, lived as a young woman. But they all viewed me as one. I was welcomed into the fold. I had what I wanted within my grasp. I couldn’t imagine before all this, that being a girl would make me more acceptable than being a boy. I thought everything was going to be okay, because I had my friends and their support.

It all came crashing down as fast as it started. The incident with Taylor, then Ellie rejecting my apology. Being told I wasn’t needed on the squad because they had prepared a new routine without Ellie and me. I was trying to repair the damage to our friendship. I was begging for her to reconsider. Our friendship meant so much to me. I had hoped it still meant something to her. Our last conversation still rattles in my head before I tried to take my life.

“… You’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

Her response.

“And we know how well you treat your own sister, don’t we.”

At that moment all I wanted was the pain to end. My life to end.

“I heard you’re awake.” a familiar voice in my room shakes me from my reverie. I look up, and my heart starts to race. Ellie looks at me her eyes downcast clutching a white teddy bear. The wound in my heart had not completely healed. I wanted to tell her to leave. Whatever she had to say, I wasn’t going to entertain. I couldn't listen to it, but for some reason, I didn’t ask her to leave.

”I tried to visit a few times, While you were…” She couldn’t look at me. I kept my eyes fixed on her, trying desperately to keep my emotions in check. “I… I wanted to say, ‘I’m sorry.' What I said to you wasn’t fair. I saw you hanging there on the swing while Marcus and the others were trying to get you down. I had never been so scared in my life. It’s was my fault. It could have been so much worse. I can’t get the image out of my head of you hanging from the chain and of the paramedics trying to get you to breathe. I had never been that scared in my whole life. It had only been a month since I watch paramedics do the same to Amber.” She approaches my bedside. Tears are already streaming down her face.

I couldn’t say anything; my heart ached too much. I could feel Ellie's anguish pouring into my heart. I couldn’t stop it. My heart was already full of my own anguish. All I could do was try to hold everything inside. It filled and churned inside me.

“The last thing, I said to you? About Amber? I’m sorry that I said that. I’m sorry that it drove you… I’m sorry.”

I close my eyes. I still felt the wound from what Ellie had said to me. How she was the last of my friends to abandon me. Taylor was taken from me but Ellie, her parting words were to me, as Shakespeare put it, ‘the most unkindest cut of all.’

We sat there in silence, Ellie, waiting for me to say something. Ellie was the first to reach out to me when I first joined the squad. She was the one that I had leaned on to help me through my loneliness. She was my sister or as close as anyone could be aside from Amber. And just like I needed Amber to forgive me. Ellie needed the same from me. I’m trying to say something. Ellie is hanging on every gesture. Every attempt to speak. I stop myself.

Why was this so hard? All I had to do is grant Ellie the same mercy that I asked of Amber. Forgiveness.

All I need to do was say the words. “I forgive you, please be my sister again.” I couldn’t.

I wished for Amber, to forgive me for my negligence. Blowing an air horn was a thoughtless prank. What Ellie said to me, was intended to hurt me. She wanted to hurt me. It was malicious. She knew how cruel it would sound to me. That didn’t stop her. Still, I wanted her back in my life, for us to be close again. The wound was too deep. She used my sister to hurt me.

Was this my first test as Erin? I was struggling to get past my declaration to myself. I had rejected Aaron and what he represented, my past, my loneliness, my isolation. Did my rejection of Aaron begin even before that?

Through the emotional rollercoaster that occurred on that day, Ellie was my rock. She saw Erin—she must have. She saw Erin in her very own bedroom mirror, how different I was—even for the briefest of moments. Ellie was the first. She tried to keep me steady. She comforted me after the incident with Taylor. Why couldn’t I just forgive her?

If she was the first to see me as Erin, she was the first to hurt me as Erin too. She knew just how to do it.

Ellie dries her eyes and approaches closer. She tucks the teddybear close to me. I’m trying to hold back tears. I wanted to stay mad. Being mad at her kept me from feeling sad for myself. It was what Aaron always did, deflect. It was easier to push everyone away and keep them at 'arms length.' Nobody couldn’t hurt him if they couldn’t get close.

I had let Ellie in. As close to me as Amber—closer perhaps. I can see it on Ellie’s face that she wants me to say something, do something that lets her know that she is still welcome in my life, Erin’s life. As much as I want to repel her, I wanted her close. I yearned for what made us sisters. My mind could not get past her rejection of our friendship and her hurtful words. My heart could only fixate on our bond as sisters. There was no way to tell which would win out.

I have to say something. I wanted to hug Ellie. She wanted so much but could I only give her so little. She sees my body contract as I can’t keep myself from crying. She moves in to hug me. I pull away from her. She tries again and again I recoil. I see her eyes widen at my hesitance, much like Amber’s did earlier. She lets out a small wail as she turns and rushes out the door.

If how I treated Ellie was my first test as Erin. I just failed. I couldn’t, my mind struggled and won out over my heart. I could feel the guilt of it all work through me. The turmoil inside me is churning, threatening to destroy me from the inside out. I hugged the teddybear, pulling it tight into me. My tears are dripping on its head. The thoughts still swimming in my head of what I had just done to Ellie. How could Amber forgive me if I couldn’t even forgive Ellie? Was I destined to the same traps that Aaron had fallen?

I’ve pushed away those that were closest to me. Amber, now Ellie. In only a matter of hours, I had begun to isolate myself again. Like Aaron did. I hated myself for doing that. My heart was screaming at my head for not obeying. Why should my head follow? All my heart ever did to me was bring me more pain. My heart wanted to be part of the squad… pain. My heart wanted me to have friends… pain. My heart wanted me to tell Amber the truth… more pain.

The nurse checks on me, all I can do is hug the teddybear and sob. She has a worried look on her face. I don’t care. I just want all the pain to go away. Why is it so hard to break from the past? With every moment I sink deeper into my sadness. I needed to get a hold of myself. I look down at the tear soaked teddybear. I think of what I just did to Ellie. How I made her feel. I fell sick; my stomach turns and torques. I wretch my insides out atop my new bear. The nurse rushes over to bring something to catch the bile that lurches up my throat again.

I wail as the nurse try to settle me down.

An hour or so passes since my visit from Ellie. I’ve only been out of my coma for less than a day, and my life has already shown signs of falling apart. The nurse had taken the teddybear, and I had changed hospital gowns with her help. The linens had to be replaced as well. I had a chance to notice how gaunt I became. I had also become weaker from my month long coma.

After a somewhat embarrassing sponge bath and the removal of the catheter (also a surprise though I guess it makes sense). I try to relax in my bed wondering what was to come of my friendship with Ellie.

Mom’s perfume fills the room. It’s a gentle fragrance, soft, floral. She must have reapplied it, or I’m starting to notice smells again. I tried not to think about the feeding tube that the doctor described earlier. “Are you comfortable, sweetheart?" Mom coos at me. Something within me doubts her sincerity. I know she does feel something. Guilt? I have no idea whether she feels guilty for the isolation, for the punishment, or both. I force myself to not recoil at her display of affection. Same with Dad.

It feels like I'm the latest crisis and they're managing me like they managed Amber. It gnaws at me that I can't trust their motives. My heart aches because I can't trust that they… Love me. I was so invisible to them, to everyone. Had I not survived… would it have mattered? To whom?

Mom and Dad, they love me, right? I don't know why I'm hurting this much. Could they really love me? Erin?

"Honey, what's wrong?” She can see the expression on my face. I can even feel the pained look that I’m giving. I just can’t bring myself too say it. “Please, we want to be there for you." She pleads with me.

I look up at my mom. The worried look on her face wretches me from the inside. I can't tell you that I don't think you love me. I can't tell you that I don't believe that you care enough about me. I can't tell you anything, but what you want me to say. Through my raspy voice, “Mom, I'm sorry. For everything." She pulls me into her. It’s hard not to bristle. Dad looks on.

"Son…" He cringes, we both do, and corrects himself, "Sweetheart. We're sorry too. We want our… little girl, to be better, okay?"

I look to the band on my wrist. There is only Erin. Aaron is gone. The heartache remains. I can’t seem to leave that behind. It hurts that, when Aaron was most alone, they, my parents, were nowhere to be found.

"Erin sweetheart, it shouldn't have gone this far. Nothing will change the fact that we love you." I can feel the drops of her tears on my shoulder; they’re sopped up by my hospital gown.

How did I get so… Damaged? Why couldn’t they love me enough to be there for me? Their love wasn’t there because they weren’t there. I’ve gone home to an empty house so many times; it’s easy to forget that they actually lived there. They weren’t there when I was bullied; they weren’t there when I was ignored, cast aside. They weren’t there when I was taken off the squad. They weren’t there when Coach T died. They weren’t there in the wake of the incident with Taylor. They weren’t there to stop me from wrapping the chain… Why? Why couldn’t I have just… died? No, that was… that was Aaron.

The nurse peeks her head into the room. “Erin, is everything okay in here?” I’m getting used to the interruptions. It seems like the nurses peek into my room 3 to 4 times an hour.

I force a smile as I settle away from the embrace of my mom. I watch her pull some tissues to dry her eyes. I nod my head slowly.

“Alright, I’ll be back I have to give you your antibiotics. This should be your last dose. We’ll probably remove the IV tomorrow. The doctor will make a decision on that later, though. Okay, hon?” She says cheerfully, then walks out the door.

I settle back resting my head on my pillow. Mom settles back into her chair at my bedside.

My dad walks over to my mom. “Honey, I’m going to grab something from the cafeteria. Do you want something to nibble on?”

“No, maybe in a bit. But nothing right now.”

He leaves the room. Mom still looks on at me with concern. “The doctors think it is best that they keep you here. At least for a little while.” Mom’s voice is soft and sad. “It was Monica that called us about you going to the hospital. She met us when we arrived here. She told us you had tried to take your own life.” The pain in her voice is evident as she pauses. I feel her anguish in my heart.

“Amber was coming home that evening. We got the message on the answering machine.” I can feel her anxiety build. “When we went to the hospital, we were confused why they referred to you as ’her’, ‘she’, and our ‘daughter’. I insisted you were my son.” Mom looks at the ceiling before blinking a few tears out.

“When I walked in to see you. You were there in your bed, asleep.” Mom begins to caress my hand. “I had not recognized you because of your hair. All I saw was this hurt, young girl, bruised and asleep. I just couldn’t understand how this could be you. The girls insisted that it was you. They shared your story with me. They said you were conscious, briefly when they brought you in.” She pauses again to compose herself. “You had become hysterical, and they had to sedate you.’

Her lament continues, “Sweetheart, I just don’t understand why it got this far. Is this what you’ve been hiding from us? You always seemed so detached. The girls said that you were different that day. Like you suddenly came to life.” She grabs my hand, caressing it gently. “Then you tried to take your own life?” Her eyes were begging me for an explanation, one that is too painful to give. “It doesn’t make any sense. Was it us? Were you afraid to show us who you really are? Did it hurt you that much? We don’t want to lose you again.” She pleads with me.

I wanted to keep it in, buried deep within me. The pain of the isolation. It was better for them to know me as Erin, their youngest daughter than being their unwanted son. I couldn’t bear the thought of being rejected again, isolated again. Erin would never be alone, not if I could help it.

The nurse enters. “Knock, knock! Alright, let’s get the last of this into your IV.” She sets the tray with the syringe and a small vial. As she works, she smiles at me warmly. She hangs another IV bag and hangs it to the side of the near empty one. She connects them and proceeds to fill the syringe and injects it into a line on the IV. “Alright, all done.” She removes her gloves and tosses them in a wastebasket. “We do want to get you eating again. The doctor wants you taking in something you can swallow, so semi-solids. I’ll bring you a tray up in a bit. We’ll see how you do with that.” She looks over at my mom then back at me. “You have your mom’s eyes.” It brings a smile to my face; Mom sees it. She gets up from her chair and strokes my hair.

“When you get out of the hospital we may need to remove these extensions. They’re starting to fall out.”

I bring my right hand to my hair to stroke it.

“Don’t worry Honey; it will grow out.”

My hair? My thoughts reach back to the image I saw in all of the mirrors that day. The young woman who reflected back at me, happy, pretty, worth another look. That reflection, that young woman, is my escape. My escape from… him and the loneliness that surrounded him. But, without my hair? I wouldn’t be her. I’d resemble… ‘him.’ I didn’t want to be anything like ‘him.’ I wanted to be free of ‘him,' losing my hair? It would grow out, but what would I look like in the meantime? Would I lose what made me ‘her’ along with my hair?

The hours passed quietly, Mom and Dad eventually went home. Visiting hours where I’m at are not quite as flexible as they were for the hospital Amber stayed. I’m alone with my thoughts. The more I thought about my life, the deeper in despair I fell. Why couldn’t they have just let me die on the swing? Was it too much to ask? Nobody cared enough before. Why start now? Even then they only cared about Erin. My wristband showed me whom they really cared about. The pretty young cheerleader who happily strode the school halls.

The nurse came in to check on me sometime after visiting hours ended. “Would you like to have something to help you sleep?”

I nod my head. Do you have anything permanent?

She’s following doctor’s orders, I guess. Sleep aid as needed. What I need is to be someone else, somewhere else.

---

The sedative must have worked. It’s morning and a nurse checks in to see if I wanted to try eating breakfast.

Breakfast was scrambled eggs, it was less painful to swallow. The nurses gave me a whiteboard to work with to save my voice. They left me with a red, a purple, and a pink dry erase marker. I used the tablet for drawing more than anything else. I didn’t feel like communicating on a whiteboard or otherwise. During breakfast, my parents visit. Mom rushed out of my room in a fit of tears when she saw the last drawing I made. A simple drawing of a boy and a swing. The boy had two x’s instead of eyes.

An older man enters my room shortly after I finish breakfast. “Glad to see you alive and well. My name is Dr. Aimes. I was the surgeon that repaired your larynx. I see that you’re eating now, sorry about the food here.” He, much like Dr. Myers the day before, examines me. I ask him why I was in a coma and about the antibiotics. His explanation was that I had an infection after the operation which was pretty severe. I was in a coma while the infection, he calls it ’Staff’ or something like that, affected my blood system and eventually my brain. I was given antibiotics to help with the infection. He said the infection had appeared to be clear and he would request that the IV be removed. He added that the infection had slowed the healing of my larynx which was ‘crushed’ during the hanging or the rescue. He mentioned the effects of the damage on my voice, all pretty technical. I nodded as if I understood any of it. He said he’d speak with my parents when they arrived later today. He did mention that I should ‘save my voice’ as much as I can, but the therapy sessions would be all right if I took frequent breaks.

---

Dr. Cho began our session officially. I’d have an hour to speak with him. I would assume that he’s trying to determine whether I’m okay to be released. He gives me the same song and dance Mrs. Yates gave me. The fact that they all sound alike doesn’t fill me with too much confidence.

“So Erin. How are you feeling today?”

“It still hurts to talk.”

He tells me to take breaks or a drink when I need it, but he insists on moving forward.

“Why don’t we start with something simple. Why are we here talking to each other.”

This must be a trick question. I stare at the kind old man. Most are ready to give me a lecture by now.

“Not the trusting type, huh?” he reaches into his wallet and pulls out a photo. A young girl. “My niece.” He hands the photo to me, and I look carefully at her. “She’s 16 now.” I don’t know why he’s showing me a photo of his niece. She’s Asian just like him. She has straight, jet black hair that goes down past her shoulders. Her hair frames her oval face. Her deep brown eyes are almond shaped, not wide like most of the people that go to our school. She’s waiving. I look closely at her wrists. “Most people just notice a pretty young girl. Your eyes tell me you notice something else.”

“Her wrist,” I say somberly. “There’s scars there.” A chill races down my spine.

“Some things leave scars. But that doesn’t tell the whole story, does it?”

I couldn't stop my heart from reaching out into the photo. I had so little control over my emotions. I wanted to reach out and hug her. It bothered me that such a pretty young woman would want to take her own life. I lower the photo to the bed covers, revealing my drawing of the swing on the whiteboard. I close my eyes and sigh.

I look up at him. His warm, almost smiling eyes inviting me to open up to him. “So, you know somebody that’s tried to take their own life. Does that mean that you can help me?”

He shakes his head and with a comforting smile he says, “I’m here to see if you can help yourself.”

His words puzzled me, “And how do I do that?”

“We communicate. You’ll talk, and I’ll listen and maybe, we find out just what it is that is hurting you.”

Why would I want to waste my breath. Isn’t he just going to tell me what I need to do? Everyone else did. My parents, teachers, coaches, the counselor, the Principal, even Monica and the girls. Why should this be any different? “And if I don’t want to talk?”

I see the smile on his face dim. “Well, two things. First, it gets boring. Second, you start over in a few weeks with another counselor who drafts a report additional to mine and a decision is made as to whether you are a danger to yourself or others."

“Did you help her?”, holding the picture in my hand.

“I tried.” That sends another chill down my spine.

“How?" Hoping, almost rooting for the story to have a happy ending.

"I listened when she was ready to talk.”

“How did you know she was ready?”

“I didn’t, Just like I won’t know with you. There's no secret, no magic trick. No truth serum to get you talking.”

If a girl like her had problems that drove her to try to take her own life what chance did I have? "She's lovely." I knew he was playing on my emotions. My heart was leading; My head was along for the ride.

"Thank you."

"Does she have any sisters?"

"Yes, she does. Do you?"

"Yes, Amber.” the somber tone in my voice is palpable. I stare at the photo. There’s a silence between us.

My fingers trace the border of the photo on top of the covers of the bed. My heart begging, no, commanding me to speak. “I guess this all started with her…" I explain about the prank and the squad. He listens intently. I pause every now and again to have a sip of water. Time passes faster than I imagine. I continue just pouring out what was in me.

My heart took over laying out what I was feeling. My mind remained impotent to stop the flood. My head was tired of the struggle. It barely registered what I was saying when the words came out. It was cathartic. The conflict within me laid out. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to be rejected. There was something more. More that just being alone. Why was I so isolated? My heart was trying to tell me something. I was protecting something, shielding myself from everyone because of it. I felt it so intensely when I looked into Ellie’s mirror that morning. HER… Aaron was protecting her. Did he take his own life so she could live… so I could live?

The nurse enters. "Dr. Cho, I just wanted to check if everything is alright in here."

Dr. Cho looks at his watch. "Oh, everything is fine." He collects his notepad. Had he been taking notes all this time? Instinctively, I pull another tissue from the box in front of me to dry my eyes. To my surprise, I'm surrounded by used balls of tissues. He slips the notepad into his satchel. "Thank you, Erin; We'll continue this tomorrow."

I look up at him. I'm not sure, but those were the first words he said to me in over an hour. I look down at the photo of his niece. I pick it up. "Your niece, did she ever fix what drove her to try to take her own life?"

He takes the photo from me. "Some things—aren't fixed overnight. She struggles with it every day." A sad expression comes over his face. His look was so brief I barely caught it. "I’ll see you tomorrow?" He heads out the doorway, leaving me to ponder the aftermath.

My thoughts turn to the last hour and a half. Had I been talking all this time? I'm not even sure what I had told him. It was just… nice… being heard. I think. I tried to replay the monolog in my head. Did I really tell him that? My mind hung on the words. I didn't really think too deeply about what I had said, until now. What did the words mean? I was… spilling my story. He said nothing; he reacted at nothing. But there it was. My recollection. Me, saying the words. "I was never meant to be a boy." And there it was. I never said it before nor actually thought about why I kept people away. Was this buried so deep within me?

---

It wasn’t long after my session with Dr. Cho that a woman, whose name escapes me, visits afterward. She seemed annoyed for some reason. Following along with her was a young man from the hospital and another man who had a badge on his belt. The young man apologized on behalf of the woman and said that she would have some questions for me. He asked if I was okay to speak with her. She glared at him when he asked the question. It was an odd pairing. The man from the hospital was polite and cordial, almost apologetic. The cop was young, and it would seem like this was his first week on the job. He just watched on.

She, on the other hand, wanted her questions answered. It was odd that she seem to ask questions that didn’t require me to answer. She seemed to supply her own asking me to nod instead. I became concerned when she had asked if my parents had ever physically abused me, beaten me or otherwise. The question caught me off guard, and I hesitated when I answered. When I shook my head ‘no,' I saw her eyes narrow. Her follow-up question was even more curious. She asked me if I thought that they had been cruel to me in any way, I gain hesitated, but still answered ‘no.'

Her questioning came to a head when she had asked if I wanted to ‘live somewhere safe.’ I was about to answer that 'I wasn’t threatened, at my home.' She asked again ‘you want to be safe, right?’ I was caught off guard with her follow up question. I answered, ‘yes.’ The man from the hospital was about to ask a follow-up question if his own when the woman asked a different question. It was an uncomfortable discussion, and I was worried about what the woman was trying to seek from me. Was she trying to find out information to build a case against my parents? I was sore at my parents but, I didn’t want anything to happen to them.

She asked me further about the Squad.

“You were forced on the squad, Right? It wasn’t your choice?”

I was about to answer, but she continued. “We’ve already talked to the Principal about all of this.”

“Yes, but— ”

“The cheerleader uniform wasn’t your idea, right?”

“No, it wasn’t but— ”

“You were sad at being lonely at school… You wanted the students to be kinder towards you?”

“Well, Yes but—“

“So, you took your own life, because you felt abandoned by your parents and the students?”

“Um—“

“I’ve had enough here!” the man from the hospital interjects. “You have not given her an opportunity to explain anything. I will not have you bully this child into answers that you seem perfectly happy to provide yourself!” She glares at him then looks over at the cop.

“Are you impeding my investigation?”

“This is not an investigation; it is an inquisition. I’ve seen dozens of agents from your department treat these situations far better than you have. You either listen to what this child has to say or this ‘farce’ is over; do you understand me?”

“Look, Aaron, I’m trying to help you. I hope you understand that.”

“Yes but—“

“Good, well I think I have a good idea of what is going on then.” She walked out of the room the cop trailing behind her. It bothered me that she didn’t want to hear my side of the story.

The man from the hospital stayed behind.

“I’m going to see what can be done about her. She wasn’t professional, and it's unfair to you that she didn’t let you answer.” He says to me holding back his anger. “I think she breezed through the introductions; I’m Matt Gallows.” He smiles. “I’ll talk to the hospital administration about having another person from the county handle your case. She’s definitely not one of their best. Try no worry about it. I’m also going to leave instructions with the nurses that she is not to meet with you without me here.”

---

The lonely hours pass in my hospital room. The nurse would check on me every now and again. I couldn't shake the ‘conversation’ with the lady and my ‘pronouncement’ to Dr. Cho out of my head.

To save my voice after the back to back marathon session with Dr. Cho and the lady from the county. I had used the whiteboard instead. It has been pretty unnerving having to signal what I want to say. At least my handwriting is clear enough to read. They rarely teach or require cursive in school. After writing so much with the chiseled markers, I was thinking of taking up calligraphy. It seemed like a lost art. The chiseled dry erase markers act like quills. Fine in one direction and wide in the other. A few scribbles turned into curves doodles mainly. I looked at the armband E-R-I-N. I practice writing. ‘Erin Stewart’, daydreaming of what my signature should look like. I even experimented with having a little heart over the “i”.

“What are you smiling about?” a voice soft and playful.

I was startled, the marker slipped out of my hand onto the floor rolling to the corner of the room. I look up. I glow as red as my signature on the whiteboard. Lisa is rushing over to pick up the stray marker. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, but you had this grin on you.”

I sheepishly turn the whiteboard to show Lisa.

“That’s you now? I mean, that’s how you spell your name now?” She gives me a pensive look.

“It’s cute isn’t it?” I say with a squeamish expression.

Lisa’s eyes widen. She hands the marker back to me.

"Is this what you want?"

“It fits, doesn’t it? I spoke with the therapist. I was talking about the prank and my time with the squad. There was something in what I was saying. It was something I admitted to him. 'I was never meant to be a boy.' I had some time to think about it, and it was as if the weight of the world came off of me."

“What did he say? I don’t understand how you can be a boy and then suddenly decide that you want to be a girl.”

“I don’t understand it myself. I’m not sure why, but there’s something that kept me away from people. I thought it was my size or that I was such an easy target for bullies. I know it’s crazy.”

“What does your therapist think? This seems like a real big decision.”

“He hasn’t said anything to me about it. He just said we’d talk more tomorrow.”

Amber peers into the room. “Talk about what?”

As Amber enters my room, I recall what I had said to her. I felt a weight in the pit of my stomach. “Sis?”

She’s reserved. I’ve hurt her so much. She looks at me wondering how to respond.

“I’m… I’m really sorry for… For the prank. For everything.” I murmur, my eyes staring at the remaining two markers between the folds of the bed sheets.

I look up at her after my apology. She looks at me. I’m not sure she’s ready to forgive me. She’s here, that’s all that matters. Lisa moves out of the way to let Amber come closer.

“I went through a lot after the prank. The recovery was hard.” I feel more guilt build within me. “Since I can’t cheer anymore, it’s been really hard. I didn’t even get to wear the uniform. They had to cut my uniform off of you when you came here.”

“I’m so sorry, Amber!” All her hard work through the summer. “I wish I never pulled the prank. I wish none of this had happened.” I say conciliatory.

“At school, I heard more about who you became when you were part of the squad.” She looks at Lisa. “It was like they were introducing me to someone I had never known. Nothing seemed to hold any value while you were growing up. Then, I heard about what you were doing for the squad. I thought it was out of guilt.”

I’m listening patiently; I don’t know what to make of what she’s saying.

“You were such a loner. You even kept Taylor at a distance. I was surprised at what you tried to do for him too. Was that it? Being part of something made you care? Or was it something more? I asked you yesterday if being a girl was what you wanted. Was I wrong there or did you just want people to connect with?”

I look at my signature on the whiteboard. The little heart over the “i”. ERIN Was that where my heart was? Staring at my name on something so easily erased. What if I could make that permanent? I look up at my sister. “I’ve been so horrible to you. Would you even want me as your sister?” My eyes were begging for her to hasten a response. Lisa bites at her lower lip.

Amber moves in towards me. She strokes my hair then cups my cheek and chin with her hand. “I’ve always loved my brother, and I love my sister just as much.”

I pull her into a hug. “I love you, sis.”

A woman in a business suit walks in. “What are you girls doing here? I left instructions for there to be no further visitors!”

Lisa and Amber look at each other and then to me.

“She’s my sister and that my friend why am I not allowed to have visitors?” I question.

The woman calls the nurse over. “I’d like these young ladies to be escorted out. I do not want any further visitors while this child is in protective custody.”

“What? That’s my sister and my friend; you can’t kick them out!” I ask bewildered.

“They will have to leave now.” She says, her anger welling up in her.

“Can I at least say goodbye to my sister?” Amber looks at the woman almost apologetically.

“Fine.” She says annoyed.

She hugs me again and whispers to me, “Don’t worry sis, we’ll find out what is going on.”

Lisa does the same. “Erin, don’t worry. We’re not going to let anything bad happen to you,” she whispers to me.

The girls retreat out the doorway escorted out by the nurse who looks at me from behind the woman, she mouths ‘I’m sorry,' to me as she ushers the girls away.

I look on at the woman. “What was that all about?”

“We’ve been informed by the county that you are ordered to be placed into protective custody.”

“What?”

The woman spoke briefly to me about what would happen. I tearfully resigned myself to my fate.

---

I poured through my mind more of what had been going on. I got angry over how I had no control over my life. I had to get out of this hospital bed. I could do nothing while I was still in here.

I yank off the IV and disconnect the monitors from me. A nurse looks in and screams “what are you doing!” She runs towards me. “stop that right now!”

“No,” I yell. “I’m tired of people ignoring me or telling me what to do! I’m done!” She grabs my arm, but I twist it free. I dash out of my room and begin running down the hospital hallway.

I’m tackled by security, and I struggle to squirm my way free. “No! I yell you can’t do this to me. Let me go!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

He’s strong and overpowers me. A moment later I stop struggling; I realize it is useless to fight further. The nurse looks over at me with an angered look. It softens when I start crying. “I just want to go home! I want my life back.”

I’m distraught. My thoughts are in disarray. As I feel a pinch in my shoulder as I begin to fall asleep.

---

I wake up. My head is still in a fog. I’m restrained again. I cry in my bed. There is a guard posted outside of my room. I’m in a different room than the one I escaped. The door is closed, but I can see the guard’s head through the square glass vision panel on the door. It has safety glass on it. I can’t move. There are no windows, no tv, nothing but the bed.

A man enters my room. “You’re restrained for your safety. I’m Dr. Winter; you are in the Behavioral Health Ward. We’re doing everything we can to keep you safe and help you get better, but we can’t have you assaulting our nurses and running off on us.”

“I just want to go home! I just want it all to be back to normal.”

“it will be, but we to be sure that you aren’t going to hurt yourself or others.”

“Why is this all happening to me? Why did everything go so wrong?” I bellow.

“I can’t answer that for you. You need to find out for yourself. All we can do is help you! You have to let us help you.”

“How, when everyone keeps telling me what to do. Nobody listens. Nobody cares, they all just leave or abandon me.”

“That’s not true, I’m listening, and I’m sure there are a lot of people that care. You just need to understand that.”

“How? How can I believe that? You haven’t seen what my life was like? You haven’t seen what was done to me! I was alone. You have me alone again here too. There’s nobody.”

“We’re trying to reach you, trying to get you to a place where you are comfortable with yourself.”

“No! You are just like the others. You’ll tell me, to be honest with myself. You’ll tell me that I need to ask myself some ‘serious questions’ then you tell me what to do!” I’m overwhelmed with the all the anguish that has been churning around me.

“You need to understand they say that because they care about you. They see you struggling and are trying to reach you. To help you get better.”

“It’s not helping!” I scream. “Everything, Everything I do, try, or say always leads to disaster. I can’t stop it.”

“That’s not true.”

“Don’t tell me what’s true! What’s true is I’ve hurt my sister, I’ve hurt my friends, I’ve gotten my best friend expelled. I drove my other best friend away. The coach is dead, and the Principal is under investigation. All! All of that is true.”

“You can’t blame yourself for all of that.”

“It started because of me! Now, Now when I want to get out of the hospital, I’ve hurt a nurse, and I’m restrained in bed. That’s also true!”

“I need you to calm down.”

“See you’re doing it too. You’re telling me what to do! Just like everyone else!”

“I’m asking you to calm down.”

“Why? Whatever for? Being calm, being passive is what got me into this mess in the first place.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“Please, I just want to go home. I want this to be over with.”

“As I said you need to work through your problems first.”

“I apologized for the prank like a million times. I felt bad about it from the moment I did it. I apologized and accepted my punishment. What more do I need to do? What more do you all want from me? Please, I’ll do anything. I just want to go home.”

“You think you’re here because of the prank? That this is punishment?”

“What else am I to think.”

“You tried to take your own life. That wasn’t because of the prank. That was because you were hurting inside. We need to know why. You need to know why.”

“I thought being alone again was worse than being dead,” I murmur.

“Why did you do it at that moment?”

“Ellie… She… she was my best friend. She was angry that I… She was angry when I told her why I pulled the prank. She… She couldn’t forgive me.”

“Friends forgive each other. They may be mad at you, but in time they see your friendship more than the pain that you cause. They weigh your friendship over their hurt. They just can’t do it instantly.”

“She came by earlier. She wanted to apologize for what she said to me before I ran off to hang myself.”

“And?”

“I… I couldn’t forgive her. I was too angry. I was too hurt.”

“How do you think that made her feel?”

“Probably the same way that I did when she said what she had said to me.”

“You’re weighing your friendship against the hurt you feel from her.”

“Yes. I wanted her to be back in my life so much. I just couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t leave me again, that she wouldn’t reject our friendship again. That I’d be alone again.”

“Why did it take you all of this to realize why you were hurting so much?”

“I… I wasn’t listening to anyone. I should have been listening.”

---

Hi Everyone,

It has become apparent that my vision has become so compromised that I may not be able to author additional chapters until I can correct my vision issues. Those that know me, know how much writing has meant to me over the past 9 months. I've tried to use speech to text and text to speech to overcome these issues, but it has become too frustrating to do even just that. I am trying to finish the final three chapters of The Squad before I go under the knife, but I cannot promise that I will be able.

The procedure is complicated, not routine and dominates my ability to concentrate. This may be my last contribution to this site until everything heals after the surgeries to each eye. Thank you all and I love every one of you that has taken the opportunity to read these stories.

Hugs,
Leila

Dr. Winter continued his visits with me over the next few days. I hate him. He says he’s helping me. He just keeps pressing.

I laid back, my eyes fixed on the tiled ceiling. In my mind, arguing was just as futile as counting the holes on the ceiling tiles.

“We’ve made progress, don’t…” he stops himself. What was he about to say. Why did he stop? “You shouldn’t keep all of this inside.” He speaks to me tenuously, probably remembering my comments about everyone telling me what to do. He changes the subject. “How did you feel that day?”

“I can hardly remember it.” I lie, hoping that he would not press the issue further.

“Can you tell me what you do remember?”

Another question. There’s no end to these. I’m tired of the questions that only seem to make me sad or get me into trouble. Dr. Winter waits for my response to his question. In my mind, I’m not in a hospital room cuffed to a bed. I’m shackled to another moment, another room, another image, another—me.

“Erin, whatever you are going through, I want to help. I’m trying to help. What is it that you want?” I could feel him prodding me forward. Coaxing me to share more.

“I… I want to go home.”

“That can only happen if you let us help you.”

I want to argue. I know where this goes. A voice within me whispers Just cooperate, they’ll let you go. “Sorry, I… I got distracted for a moment. What were you saying?”

---

Dr. Winter and I were in the middle of another one of our ‘sessions’

I have my eyes closed. Listening to his voice. It’s hypnotic. “Where are you now?”

I silently recall the morning at Ellie’s house. Her mirror, the one that I stared at for those brief moments. Why was I repeatedly returning to that moment? “Ellie’s room. A mirror. Her mirror.”

Again, Dr. Winter waits for me. “Ellie had the idea for us to wear our uniforms to honor Coach T. She later asked me to do the same to show support for the squad.” I take a breath. Coach T. I missed her funeral. That realization haunts me. “I…”

“How did you feel about the idea?”

“I was worried that I’d be an embarrassment. That somehow I would be a distraction from the death of our coach, Coach Tompkins.” I pause waiting for a reaction from him. He’s waiting for me to say more. I dreamily continue. “Lisa thought it a good idea to make me as passible as possible, so we had extensions added to my hair to give it some length. Ellie’s sister did my makeup as I got ready the next morning and went to school.”

“How did you feel when you got dressed?” his question catches me off guard.

“When I got dressed?”

“The clothes, how did they make you feel.”

“The uniform made me uncomfortable. It was so… revealing. The skirt was really short, I wasn’t used to having breasts and…” I sighed. “I guess girls are used to wearing something like that and being on display. But there was something else.” I kicked myself for saying that last part. “At least I wasn’t the only one, Ellie was wearing the same outfit so I wasn’t alone.”

“I want to get back to that ‘something else’ you were feeling. Was it exciting for you?”

“Exciting? No.”

“Were you aroused?” his question more direct.

“Aroused? Why would I be aroused?”

“Some boys get aroused when they wear clothing of the opposite gender. It’s perfectly natural.”

“I wasn’t aroused.” I say to him, puzzled.

“Then what did you feel?” his questions were getting more probing.

“I felt… naked.” I open my eyes and look over at Dr. Winter. He’s giving me a stare that makes me nervous.

“Are you sure you weren’t feeling anything… sexual?”

“Emotional is probably the better word. There was a moment. Ellie wasn’t there. I was staring at her mirror. I finally saw myself in that mirror, not Aaron… Me. I felt something within I had never experienced before. I was different some how. I don’t know what it was, it was something precious to me.”

“How so?”

“Have you ever lit a candle with a match?”

“Yes I have. You may have to explain that a bit more…”

“There’s a cadre of emotions you go through when you strike the match knowing that you only have so long before the flame burns out. There’s that need to act. Something that compels you to lite the candle quickly enough before the fire goes out. You have within you that feeling of past frustrations of when the match is extinguished. The fear that you may prematurely extinguish the flame. Then the relief as brief as it is when the candle glows from the fire. And finally that desire to protect the candlelight from what would extinguish it.”

“Go on.”

“When I saw myself in that mirror. I had the sensation that I was given a gift of seeing a part of myself that I hadn’t realized was there until the ‘match was lit.’ Now I don’t want that candlelight to ever go out.”

“So how did that affect you?”

“Throughout the day, it was like everyone that saw me recognized that I was different from the boy who attended school the day before. Even the girls on the squad who knew me, looked at me as if I had come out of a cocoon or a shell. They sensed I was different somehow. It was like the Aaron, that everyone once knew, was the darkness that surrounded me, which was now pushed away from the light revealing the candle. To them it was as if I had dropped the charade of pretending to be a boy. They preferred me rather than that guy I replaced.”

“Then why would you want to take your own life?”

I take a breath, my heart started to sink within me. “I couldn’t escape… him.” I’m not sure Dr. Winter understood what I was saying. He sat there quietly as I composed myself. “When Ellie used him against me. I realized no matter how I felt or how real my life started to feel, I still have his past to deal with. It didn’t matter, I couldn’t separate me from him.”

“You are him. You can’t avoid that. That’s something you have to deal with… the consequences of his actions.”

“I’m not trying to avoid the consequences of those actions. Just everything reminds me that, physically… I’m him.”

“So you see yourself as female?”

“Honestly, I don’t really know what that means. I just feel that I’m… I’m not him.”

He pauses for a bit, probably trying to gauge whether he thinks I’m trying to ‘pull the wool over his eyes.’ “Would you do something for me?”

His question came off as odd. Why ask for something? “Ummm, okay.”

“You say you want to go home.” he pauses again and I nod. “I don’t want you to answer this right now. I want you to think about this before you give me an answer.”

He didn’t have to ask. I look up at him sensing what he’s thinking, “Who wants to go home? Erin the girl from that day or Aaron the boy from before that?” He seemed caught off guard that I would anticipate his question.

He adds, “Yes, but more to the point what is ‘home’? What is waiting for you at ‘home’? Your life with the challenges of being a different gender than that of your personal history? One where you are a young woman who grew up as a boy? What is that worth to you?”

---

I was growing more frustrated with Dr. Winter. He was asking for answers I couldn’t give. Combined with the visits from Ms. County Whats-her-name and Dr. Cho’s week long absence, I was becoming more angry. I think Mr. Gallows was growing weary of it all as well. On our last visit with Whats-her-name, who I’m starting to refer to as ‘The Shrew’, he asked her to leave and not return after her last verbal assault had me crying. She yelled at me that she didn’t care for the ‘feminine delusion of mine and to drop the act’. She had threatened to place me and my sister in foster care and throw my parents in prison for their abuse. I was wailing so hard I was told I had to be sedated.

Mr. Gallows, I mean Matt, has been the only bright spot in all this. Of course, Dr. Cho is nice too, but I can’t seem to trust his ‘agenda’. Supposedly, he has the same aims as Dr. Winter. I can’t help but feel that I’m being ‘good cop-bad cop’ by Winter and Cho. Matt did bring over a surprise for me, a visitor. Much to my relief to have some contact with the outside world, it wasn’t who I had expected. Behind Matt was the young counselor from the school district, Mrs. Yates. I wondered how she was able to visit though I dared not ask. I was just glad to see someone familiar.

“Mrs. Yates!” I could feel my heart bound to see her.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. “Are they treating you well here?” She walks over to my bedside. My smile pushes my cheeks to the bottom of my vision. Thankfully, I’m no longer restrained. Though the door to my room is always locked. I guess to keep me from escaping again.

“I was starting to think that everyone forgot about me.” I say cheerfully. Matt retreats into the background. Mrs. Yates comes closer and strokes what’s left of my hair. The extensions have been removed and I feel diminished with my shortened crop. I reach my arms up to give her a hug. I have had little energy to even get out of bed these days. I felt some of my strength return in reconnecting with someone that wasn’t here to poke and prod me. I continue, “it’s good to see you.”

“The girls on the squad miss you.” She whispers with a wink. She raises her voice so its audible “The District wanted to see your progress and a report on the incident with you in the playground at McKinley Park.” I look at her questioningly. “While I am contracted with the District, I have been asked to continue working with you by your parents as well.”

“Is there still the restriction of visitors?” I ask sadly.

“For the moment. Mrs. Conroy (the Shrew) still insists that you be placed in foster care after your time here.” Evelyn says sadly. “Matt here is trying to make sure that your interests are taken care of.”

“Oh, how are the girls handling all this?”

“They’re concerned about you of course, as was I. Your friends care about you a great deal. Many of them were deeply hurt because of the incident at the park. They want you safe and they want you back though.” I felt my chest tighten at that. I miss them so much.

“Are they still cheering?”

“For the moment, no. The district has yet to hire a new coach. I’m not sure that there is any interest from the district to continue the cheerleading program there. The lack of interested students, budget shortfalls and the incidents to you and Amber have really made the district cautious.”

“So, I killed the cheerleading program?”

“No, No. Don’t think of it that way.” Mrs. Yates tries to steer me from my despair.

“How am I supposed to think of it?”

Mrs. Yates eyes look upon me with resignation. “I mean you’ve tortured yourself enough. I know you feel like this was all your fault. The weight of that is crushing you. In the end, where does it leave you? Everyone has forgiven you for the prank and that is all that you’ve done wrong. It’s time you forgave yourself.”

“It just feels like there’s always going to be something more. One more consequence, one more reminder that I can’t escape. How can I just let that go? I feel responsible for all of it.”

“Is that why you’ve retreated into this ‘Erin’?” I knew instantly what she meant. How it must look. “Are you sure that this Erin is really who you are? Could it be that you are escaping into a version of ‘Erin’ that you feel is more palatable?” I feel a chill run through me. “If this version of Aaron is your escape aren’t you just hurting yourself more? Torturing yourself more?”

“I don’t know how to explain it.” It felt more than ‘an escape’. But was that just it? Was I just punishing myself more? “There is something more.”

Mrs. Yates takes a seat on my bed and grasps my hand. “Is there?”

“There is something more that I felt. Something within me that I felt that day. It started in front of Ellie’s mirror.”

“The young woman that was with you when we first met. As I can recall you and her are close friends? I do recall you telling me about the morning before you left for school. You mentioned that you were sad that you were wearing your sister’s uniform, and that you felt guilty that you had robbed her of that experience. Was there something more that you are comfortable with sharing?”

“It was a mixture of emotions that I couldn’t place at the time. As I was looking at myself as a young woman for the first time. There was pride that I felt in the way I appeared. A vulnerability that scared me. A sadness that overcame me; that none of this was real—that it was all an illusion. Then I looked down at the uniform as Ellie came in. Amber’s uniform. I felt that sadness for a what I had taken from her. There was also a jealousy that I felt that this was something that Ellie, Amber and the rest felt—pride. It was something that I could only get a glimpse. A reality that wasn’t meant for Aaron.” I say with sadness creeping into my voice.

I pause for a moment hoping to collect myself. She bade me to continue. “When I met the girls in front of the school that morning, I didn’t know what to think. Or what they would think. When Monica thought that it was another prank, it hurt me, deeply. She had accused me of preparing another stunt. But then something happened. It was as if she saw how much I wanted to connect with them. That exiling me would be devastating. She told me later that she saw my longing to connect with the rest of the girls. That I wanted so much to be a part of them. Then she stopped me from leaving and asked me to stay. I thought they were accepting Aaron into the group. Monica showed me that it wasn’t, it was me that they were accepting.”

“Who is the ‘me’ you are referring? You seem to differentiate between Aaron and ‘me’. Do you feel like you are someone different?” I could see Matt shifting in the background. Mrs. Yates rubs my forearm with concern. Easing me.

“It was like when I saw myself in Ellie’s mirror, a different world opened to me. I felt different, reacted different. I was allowed to be different. It was like I gave myself permission to experience that difference. I think everyone picked up on that.”

“So have you shared this with the other doctors?”

“They wouldn’t see things from my perspective. When I was sharing with you, I couldn’t piece it all together. Not at that time. I just knew everyone was reacting to me differently. That incident with Taylor?”

“Yes, you were pretty shaken up after that.”

“I don’t know why I reacted that way. Scared, vulnerable, it was different from being bullied. It was just different. When I was bullied, I was always afraid that they’d physically hurt me. Afterwards, I felt angry that I had been a victim. This was nothing like that. It was like he was threatening my soul, something within me. I begged him to let me go. At the time, I didn’t know what I was protecting. He was trying to drag me back to ‘Aaron’--as if Aaron was my jailer. That if he returned me to Aaron’s prison I’d never be able to live. I was starting to realize what freedom from Aaron was like. I only recovered from the desperation and fear I felt when I realized how Monica was reacting. How angered she was at him, how protective she was of me. How protective they all were of me. I’m one of her girls and one of their sisters. I don’t want who I am to go away.”

My discussion with Mrs. Yates continued for another hour. I was pleased that she promised to try to visit me again. I was hoping for more word on the squad. She promised that she would pass along my love to the girls. Everything turned around from there.

In the days that followed, I was introduced to the Shrew’s replacement. A lovely angel of a woman by the name of Patricia Simpson. She insisted that I do not call her Patty. Tricia, or Patricia but never Patty. She was a county social worker and had a motherly demeanor that my own mother would envy. I think it was Matt that was able to expel the Shrew. While she was eager to hear Dr. Winter’s and Dr. Cho’s assessment, I had my doubts as to what their recommendations would say about me. No doubt they were well skilled, I had my doubts that their reports would reflect more on what they heard and less on how I felt.

To my surprise, Patricia did mention that she spoke with Mrs. Yates and Dr. Corning. I had never heard the term ‘Gender Dysphoria’ until Patricia had mentioned it and though she was concerned that the opinions of Dr. Winter and Dr. Cho did not contain a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, at least one opinion, Dr. Winter’s, suggested that I be allowed to explore that with a psychologist that was more versed in the field of gender and sexuality. Patricia explained to me her reservations and that I had much larger issues to parse through first. While she did receive the recommendation from Dr. Winter and Dr. Cho, I remained in the hospital for another month before I would be released.

---

It’s January and I’m going home. To tell you the truth, I don’t know the full story of why I was allowed to go home. Much of the last month was a blur. My birthday came and went, so did Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was so desperate to leave that had they asked me to ‘cluck like a chicken’ or ‘bark like a dog’, I would have done it happily. I walked to the car clutching the journal they had made me write in and a sheet containing a serie of appointments with Dr. Winter until a gender specialist could be put in charge of my mental health.

I’ve kept my hair length, the extensions are gone. What hair is left tickles the back of my shoulders as I ride home with Dad. I had the passenger’s window open and feel the breeze against my face. I smile as I close my eyes and breathe in ‘freedom.’ I’ve missed the cold fresh air. My sweatshirt and sweatpants keep me from freezing in the breeze. Dad says nothing, though from the moment we stepped out of the hospital, he’d look at me with a look that feels like he’s treating me like I’m made of glass.

The sun rides lower in the sky as it normally does in winter. It lights the clouds in a bright blinding orange. It’s beginning to set as we reach the house. Dad is silent on the drive home. I sense a growing distance between us. I want to ask what he’s thinking. I’ve been asked that question more times than I can count. I don’t ask, fearing that if I step out of line, he’ll turn the car around and head straight back to the hospital. I turn to face him. He’s got a beard now. The whiskers have a salt and pepper look to them, kind of rugged.

We pull into the driveway. I don’t think that I even waited for him to shut the engine off before I unbuckled my seatbelt and pulled the door latch open. My feet, ensconced in Ellie’s sneakers, hit the ground; they’re the only thing that’s left of the uniform I wore that day. I’m not even wearing socks. I give the car door a slight nudge and the door slams closed. I’m greeted by the stale taste of the early evening air that surrounds our home. I shiver a bit and start to run for the front door.

“Slow down, honey.” My dad cautions me, his first words to me since we left the hospital. “We just left the hospital, I don’t want you falling and hurting yourself.”

I slow to a jog, my heart already thumping. I’m out of shape.

He walks up beside me. As we approach the doorway. “Honey, can you hold on for a sec?” My pace slows to a stop as does his. He’s looking at me. His eyes searching my face for something. I feel the anxiety within me growing.

“Dad? Is something wrong?” He blinks a few times subtly shaking his head.

“No, sweetheart, there’s… there’s nothing wrong.” He says plainly. Whatever he was going to say to me. He changed his mind. He unlocks the front door and pushes it open, then takes a step back. I pause there for a moment. Normally, he’d push the door open and walk right in. I turn my head wondering why he didn’t just walk in. He nods his head encouraging me to enter first.

Walking into my house was familiar and not at the same time. I expected to see the carefully adorned, plastic, Christmas tree in the living room. There is no sign that it had been put up. Neither were the stockings hung at the fireplace. Being only a week and a half after Christmas, I wondered if the family skipped Christmas. My heart sinks.

There was the smell of dinner, well, mom preparing dinner. A casserole, mixed with something lemony. The aroma hits me the moment I walk through the door. I close my eyes and take in the smell of ‘home’.

Amber was on the couch, headphones blaring some sort of tune. She has a pencil in her teeth, hair in a ponytail and a spiral notebook on her lap. Along with her purse and backpack, her books strewn atop the coffee table. It was odd to see her studying. The semester hadn’t begun and wouldn’t start for another week. I saw her face light up as she sees me enter the room. I hadn’t seen her in over two months. I had missed her so much. She yanks off her headphones and slides her notebook between the cushion and the backrest. She dashes over to me not even bothering with sliding her feet into her slippers which rest on the floor by the couch. I’m greeted with a hug. The grip of her embrace crushes me. I begin to tear up at the joy of seeing Amber again. I feel Dad scoot around me and Amber.

“I’m so glad you’re home.” She whispers into my ear.

“Me too, I’ve missed you so much.” I choke back a sob. Amber retreats and I watch my Dad walk into the kitchen. She takes my hand and pulls me further into the house. I stand in the middle of the room, trying to remember the last time I stood here. It felt like ages ago. Back then, I was sad and alone. Now, now we are all home.

Amber lets go of my hand and caresses my hair. “You’re letting your hair grow out.” She says with a smile.

To my surprise, I see Patricia walk out of the kitchen after Dad entered. Somehow, she was able to untangle the mess and kept me out of foster care. I did however, have to be held in the hospital while I was being evaluated. Seeing her was both a pleasant surprise and a worrisome development. Why was she here?

While I’ll never truly know what happened, in my imagination, word spread among the squad, by either Lisa, Amber or both, that I was not allowed to have visitors. A few well placed phone calls to Mrs. Yates and probably with a few subtle hints from Matt to the county after my confrontation with the Shrew and she was reassigned replaced by Patricia. It seemed to make sense in my mind, I knew Mrs. Yates and Matt did not have any real ‘pull’, I wishfully thought it true. There was some mention of apology from a representative at the County Social Services Department. My only real clue that one of the girls ’got the ball rolling’, was Matt’s allusion to one of ‘my pushy friends’ as he tried in vain to get the Shrew reassigned. My money is on Monica.

Over the past month, I had almost weekly conversations with Patricia. She told me that I should seriously consider returning to my life as Aaron, though she wouldn’t ‘force that upon me.’ She did ask me a few questions about being ‘transgendered’ and ‘gender dysphoria’, terms that, before this whole mess started, I had never heard before she mention them. She did show some surprise at some of my answers while I was in the hospital. After a few more discussion she seemed to relent on my return to Aaron. That brought me some relief.

Much of my isolation issues had been brought to light during the discussions with Dr. Cho and separately with Dr. Winter, but we didn’t scratch the surface of why they persist. Leaving the hospital didn’t mean I was cured, just not quite as erratic. I was relieved that I was no longer considered a danger to myself or others. All this meant, was that I had to continue treatment on an outpatient basis. Despite the limited budgets of the county, I would be allowed to continue being treated by the hospital. I had to choose between Dr. Cho or Dr. Winter. Each had their unique style. Dr. Cho had a more compassionate amiable style. Dr. Winter was cold, straightforward and engaging. In the end it was the availability of Dr. Winter that made the decision. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate him.

Surprisingly enough, I thought I would be on antidepressants. I think either Dr. Cho or Dr. Winter could have prescribed them to me. That seemed like a normal course of action given what little I knew of how the ‘crazy’ people, like me, were handled. Though, with two different psychiatrists, I would imagine that neither would want to prescribe anything without consulting with the other. I was thankful for that. I wasn’t sure what the anti-psychotics would do to me.

It was Dr. Winter that had asked a pediatrician for assistance on hormone treatments and an Endo-something doctor as well to prescribe them. I overheard discussions on medication to suppress my development into an adult male. There were discussion that went back and forth about permission to administer the treatment, they ultimately settled on having those discussion with my parents when I left the hospital. In later discussions with me, they told me that a hormone regimen would buy me time to ‘make some decisions.’ Something that I was hopeful would be a possibility.

“Erin,” Patricia greets me. “I wanted to see your home life before you arrived. I also wanted to make sure that you were aware that I would be checking up on you twice a week. Just to see how things are going. Did you remember what we talked about last week?” The conversation I had with her last week was to try to ease my way back into my life. That immersing myself would, perhaps, overwhelm me.

“I remember Patricia. Are you staying for dinner?” I asked, I knew my Mom would have offered out of courtesy. I thought Patricia would naturally decline. I wanted to give her another opportunity to join us.

“No, I’ve got a family of my own that will get restless if I don’t get dinner on the table soon.”

“Okay, I understand.” I look down at my sneakers. I feel the corners of my mouth drag downward.

The tall blonde walks over to me and gives me a hug. She whispers in my ear. “I love the sneakers, but you should give ‘his life’ real consideration.” She pulls back from me. “I’ll be back in a few days.” She hands me one of her business cards. “Call if you need anything, okay?”

I slip the card in my pocket and I open the front door for her.

Mom walks in from the kitchen with a casserole dish in her hands. I freeze nervous about her reaction. She looks over at me, gives a soft smile as Amber rushes to her to take the casserole dish from her. Mom warns her that the dish is still ‘too hot to touch’ and tries to hold on to the tray. It isn’t, she’s not even wearing pot holders.

Mom sets the casserole down on the dining table. There are four place settings instead of the usual smattering of bills, circulars, and books. She takes her seat next to Dad who is at the head of the table. Amber sits next to mom and I sit across from Mom with Dad to my right.

It was odd having us all around the same table at the same time. This dinner was the first meal I had with the whole family in ages. Amber would normally be out with her friends. Dad would work late and Mom would usually prepare dinner and we’d serve ourselves when we were hungry. I would normally take a plate of food to my room close the door and work on my homework.

We started dinner off silently. I wasn’t even sure that there was much we all had in common to carry a conversation. Breaking the silence, I turn to Amber, “Hey sis, how’s Lisa and the rest of the girls?”

Amber for her part was caught off guard. I don’t think that she expected dinner conversation. She looked over at me unsure if I really asked a question or not. “Oh, uh. Lisa and Cindy have had more time to spend with each other since there are no more cheer practices. Monica, Dianna and Jennifer are trying to work on other activities to help with their college admissions. I think that they are looking into other possibilities for scholarships since it doesn’t appear like they’re getting a new cheer coach. Ally and Casey joined yearbook to have it as part of their extracurriculars for next year so I think they’ve given up on the squad as well.”

“Oh, they’re not going to hire a new cheer coach?” I say sadly pushing the peas around my plate. “I didn’t realize. What about Ellie?”

“She keeps to herself nowadays. She’s really a different person since…” Ambers voice trails off.

“Maybe, I should talk to her.”

“Sweetheart” Mom interjects, her fork clanks against the plate in front of her, “I think you should be more concerned with your own problems.”

My eyes dart to my mom. Then to Dad. All three of us were staring at Mom.

“Look, honey,” mom continues, “I think it’s nice that you care about others, but don’t you think you have enough to worry about?”

“I think your mother has a point.” Dad adds. “Give it some time.”

I was about to say something when Amber chimes in. “So, have you thought about your return to school?”

“What’s there to think about?” I swivel my head to face Amber.

“Well, are you going to return to Bay View or are you going to switch schools? Are you going to attend school as a girl? What about all the work you missed during the first half of the year? How are you going to handle all of that and the counseling sessions?” Amber grabs my Mom’s empty plate. Taking a cue from Amber, I grab mine and my Dad’s and I walk in to the kitchen Amber trails behind.

Mom enters the kitchen behind us with the leftovers. “Your sister has a point, Honey.”

Our house doesn’t have a dishwasher so plates have to be washed, dried, and stowed. I stand at the sink taking the plates from Amber. “I know it’s a lot, and I’m not going to try to handle it alone.” The faucet begins to fill the sink soaking plates.

I get an a stare from Amber and Mom.

“What?” I ask wondering if I’ll ever be treated like I was normal ever again.

Mom breaks the awkward pause, “Oh nothing dear. It’s just that you rarely ever asked for help before.”

I’m not used to family dialog. It’s pleasant, but unusual. I don’t think we’ve said this much to each other in years. I don’t miss the days of “yeah”, “okay” and “uh-huh” conversations. “Is there a plan for my return to school?”

“We’ll try to make things work as best as we can, but we’re limited on options.”

“Do you want to go back to Bay View?”, Amber asks while turning off the faucet for me.

“Where else would I go?”

“Central”, Amber says plainly as she fills the dish soap dispenser from the industrial sized bottle of dish soap.

“It’s too far for you to walk and I’m worried about you taking the bus there.” Mom adds with a hint of motherly concern. “You are a few years away from driving. Besides, I don’t think we’re going to be able to afford another car.”

“Well looks like it’s settled. I return to Bay View.”

“That hardly sounds ideal. Mom, is that really a good idea?”

“We don’t have a lot of options here. Unless we move, which we can’t afford, or we find a better way for you to get to school, you’re going to have to return to Bay View.”

“Are you returning to school as my sister?”

I grab a sponge and work silently as I start giving the plates a once over. Mom’s curious about my answer to the question as well.

“I was hoping that would be an option. Dr. Corning seemed to think that it was okay for me to do it. I suppose we may need to clear that with her replacement. What happened to her anyway?”

“Dr. Corning?”

“Yes, I’d hate to think she really lost her job over all this.”

Amber hesitates before answering, “They moved her into a district level position. She won’t be running a school, but she’s working on district policies. I guess they couldn’t fire her, but having her at the school would probably serve as a distraction.”

“Have you met the new Principal?”

“No, She hasn’t taken over yet. I think she will start in a week or two.”

“She starts at the beginning of the semester? Who was running the school when Dr. Corning was put on leave?” My question goes unanswered.

Amber puts away the dishes as Mom retired to her bedroom with Dad.

“Wasn’t that weird?” Amber says as I cross the threshold exiting the kitchen to the living room.

I look back as Amber folds the dish towel and places it to dry on the drying rack. Then she follows me out into the living room. “Dinner together? Just the family?”

“Not counting Thanksgiving and Christmas, when was the last time we had a meal together?”

“I can’t remember the last time that happened.” I sigh. I grab Amber’s notebook from the couch and place it on the coffee table then take a seat at the corner of the couch. “What happened to Christmas?”

Amber sits next to me. “Christmas? That was last week.” she says, plainly.

“I know, what I meant was, what happened to all the Christmas decorations?” a sad expression comes over Amber’s face. “You all skipped Christmas?”

“Mom thought we shouldn’t go ‘all out’ on Christmas this year.”

“All out? What are you talking about? I thought that we’d at least have the stockings and the tree still up.”

“We didn’t put up the tree or stockings this year.”

“What are you not telling me?” I could see her expression turn from sad to worried.

“It’s not your fault, okay? Please don’t blame yourself.”

“You weren’t here for Christmas.” I say sadly realizing why Patricia was here. “What happened?”

“You don’t have to worry about it. Honestly, it’s over now.”

“They took you away, didn’t they?” I can see it in my sister eyes. The heartbreak she must have felt as they took her away from our parents. “How can this not be my fault?” I could see the tears welling in my sister’s eyes. She pulls my head on to her shoulder. She’s trying to keep me from crying as well.

“It's okay now, we’re both home. Can we put this behind us? Please?” Amber implores.

Dad comes down the stairs and sees us on the couch. “You two should get to bed.” Amber stands and collects her stuff. Dad disappears into the kitchen and emerges with a glass of water.

Amber walks over to him, plants a kiss on his cheek, “Night, Daddy!”

I watch, wondering if I should do the same.

“Good night, Gumdrop,” as he watches her walk up the stairs.

He looks over at me as I begin to make my way to the stairs. “Honey, hold on a minute, okay?”

We wait and hear Amber’s door close. He walks over to me and I feel him searching my eyes.

“Daddy, what is it?” I ask playfully mimicking my sister with a smile.

He smiles back. “We’re at Daddy, huh?”

I give a bit of Amber’s giggle before dropping the attempt at humor. “What is it that you see?” my solemn tone returns.

“See?”

“Yes, you’ve given me that look three times today. The first time at the hospital, the second before we walked into the house and the other just now.” I can feel my heart sink, “You’re looking for him aren’t you. Wondering where your son has gone to?”

A smile comes over his face. “No, it not what you think.”

I search his face for the telltale sign that he’s about to lie to me. I find none.

“When I look at Amber, I’m reminded of my sister, your Aunt Kathy. You… ” he chokes up a bit, pauses and takes a sip from the glass of water. “When I look at you? I see your mother when she was your age. I don’t think she sees it yet, though.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I think she will, someday.” I smile wider and cast my eyes downward at the complement.

He kisses the crown of my head. “Good night, Honey, don’t stay up too late.”

I stand there as he turns and walks up stairs. Tears begin to race down my cheeks, I feel my way to the couch and take a seat. I wipe the tears from my eyes and smile.

It’s not perfect, but I’m home.

---

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Author's note: I thank you all for your patience in the delay release of this chapter. I am hopeful that there is more to follow. I could not leave the story where I had left it. If the fates are unkind and this is my last entry for this story, then I am glad to leave Erin with the possibility of a good ending. It's not perfect, but there is always the possibility of something greater for our protagonist.

I want to thank you all for reading, commenting and encouraging this story.

I love you all!
Hugs,

Leila