The following tale is adapted from a story started by SlimV. The story was never finished and sent to me to read some time ago. I liked the idea so much that I asked if I could steal it and finish it off while expanding on it. Both SlimV and myself have been collaborating on it for some time now, thanks hun for the editing. I hope you enjoy reading it and get as much fun out of it as we did writing it.

Being ME

Part 1 - Out of The Closet

Kind of a waste, I thought as I took a brush to my long blonde hair while admiring my make-up in the mirror. Why should I take the time to get all dressed up when I’ll just have to get dressed down in a couple hours? But what the heck,I’m a girl- a woman. It’s my curse. I want to look my best, even if it’s only for a short while. I feel better when I’m at my best. Who doesn’t?

Talk about feeling better! Ponytails are great for sleeping in and keeping the hair out of my eyes, but if I didn’t like having long hair, I wouldn’t have grown it long! I love it. It’s been blonde since the day I was born. Mom said it would turn mousey as I got older, but so far that hasn’t happened and I hope it never does. Her blonde hair comes from a bottle. I brushed it out so that it fell across my shoulders.

The best thing about being a girl is…everything! I love the clothes. I love the make-up and the jewellery. I love the way I look and feel.Thinking about it makes me happy as I clip some gold hoops to the backs of my ears.I smile at myself as I get up from the dresser and look in the full-length mirror behind me. I’m a knockout.

I turned my leg and straightened out the seam on my stocking. Standing straight In front of the mirror I pulled the black lacy blouse down under the belt that encircled my waist. The blouse was a sort of gypsy style that was off the shoulder; a line of elastic ran across the top keeping it tight on my arms. The white skirt I wore was tight denim and hugged my curves. I stood on top of four inch heeled leather pumps. The thin stilettos emphasised the curve of my calves, making my legs look long and slender.

I left the room and headed downstairs. It was about 10:30am in the morning and I still had time to do a few chores before going to the gym later in afternoon. As I said, most women I know don’t take the time to get dressed up in the morning if they think they’re going to get dirty or sweaty later in the day, but I’m not like most women. I like to look my best regardless of the time or the things I have to do. I stepped into the kitchen. The sound of my heels clicked and echoed against the tile floor in the empty house.

Wanting something to drink, I thought about coffee, but wound up talking myself into a glass of wine. It was early, but I love the cool fruity taste of white wine. It makes me feel so delicious. I opened the fridge, and found the bottle from last night’s dinner and poured myself a glass. I took a seat on a stool, picked up the morning paper and found a pack of Berkley Menthol cigarettes and a slim gold lighter underneath it. I opened the pack and took out a cigarette. Slipping the white filter into my mouth, I lit it and inhaled. Being as it was the first ciggie of the day, my lungs were startled and I coughed out the first puff. My second puff was much more pleasing and I settled into the stool with my newspaper.

I opened the paper and glanced through the stories; another soldier killed in an ambush in Iraq, troops struggling to keep control in Afghanistan, another useless celebrity sent to jail for drunk driving and the usual mundane muck that keeps tabloids afloat and keeps it’s readership enthralled with the lives of the people they try to be, or aspire to. I took a puff on the cigarette and blew out the smoke, lifting the glass to my lips. As I sipped the wine, a deep burgundy smudge appeared on the rim. The latest issue of Woman’s World sat at my side. I picked it and leafed through it. I don’t regard it as hard-nosed journalism, but it’s nice to know how bake a moist meatloaf and keep your man hard in bed, though not at the same time. I paused at the fashion section, this being my favourite and probably the only reason I looked at it.

I took a drag from the cigarette and glanced at the clock. It was after eleven o’clock, so I still had another hour or so before I needed to get changed for the gym. The fashion section hooked me, my concentration intensified, god look at those black leather boots with the turn down flap at the top. I imagined wearing them over the knee or maybe turned down. The silver metal heel glinted in my eyes. The short shirt type dress the model wore clung to her hips and the one strap shoulder plunged across leaving one shoulder bare. Great look, I thought to myself. I glanced through four more pages of new fashions featuring; shoes, bags, make-up and the latest perfumes. I was in heaven. And then I heard the sound of a door key struggling with a lock. The tumblers turned. The door pushed open. A foot landed on the floor.

I froze with the magazine in my hands and the cigarette burning between my fingers. I tried to get up. I heard a woman’s voice say,

“Just make yourself comfortable in the lounge, while I put this in the kitchen." I swallowed hard as I heard the footsteps come closer.

The door opened as I was dropping the still burning cigarette into the ashtray. A woman walked in, stopping in front of me. We looked at each other.

“Michael is that you” she asked?

No longer frozen, I fled the kitchen, almost knocking her over as I ran for the stairs. Damn heels! I stumbled but made it to the top without falling. I dashed inside my room and slammed the door behind me. Oh God, I thought as I dived on to my bed. Have I ever been so scared and frightened? My heart felt as if it would burst at any moment and I wished it would. I started crying.

It might have been a couple minutes or maybe it was more, but eventually the door opened, and I looked up to see my mother standing over me while I looked up at her from the bed. The look on her face was both stern and troubled. There was a half finished cigarette between her fingers. She raised it slowly to her lips and took a deep puff. Smoke spewed down from her nose. Her voice cracked.

“Do you care to explain all this?” she asked, as she made a sweeping gesture with the cigarette in her hand.

I answered her with silence.

“Michael, I’m asking you a question and I expect an answer.”

I just shook my head and sobbed. My mattress shifted under her weight as she sat down beside me.

She sighed and took a compensatory drag from her Berkley. “These are mine,” she said as she picked at my blouse with her thumb and forefinger. “Get changed and wash your face.”

I accepted her invitation to leave and exited my bedroom for the bathroom down the hall. I locked the door behind me and stared at the mirror in disgrace. Eye shadow and mascara had run down my face, making me look like a circus clown instead of the sexy little fox I had been before my mother had interrupted me. I cursed myself for getting caught as I began the process of taking off the make-up.

After cleaning up, I left the bathroom and cautiously looked out over the stairwell. I didn’t see anyone but I could hear two women talking, though I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I was certain their conversation had something to do with me and that made my heart sink. Of course this had to be as embarrassing to her as it was to me, so maybe I was just being paranoid. The thing I’d done wasn’t worthy of gossiping about.

I slunk back to my room and quickly undressed, exchanging her clothes for my underwear, tracksuit bottoms and a tee-shirt. I gathered up the clothes I had been wearing and sneaked back into my parent’s room. I put the shoes back in the closet and left her other clothes on the bed before going back to my room for my gym bag.

My heart thumped wildly against my chest as I quietly I slipped downstairs past the lounge. I fumbled with the door and let myself out and sprinted down the path and out the gate. I was relieved to be free, to have escaped, but I knew the freedom was only temporary. At some point, probably that evening, I’d have to account for this morning.

I worked up a real sweat at the gym in an attempt to purge myself of the shame and anxiety that haunted me. I needed at least another two years, but the gym closed at five o’clock. Not long after that, I found myself on the street, forced with the decision of what to do next. I searched through my bag and found a couple of pounds, which was enough to buy a Lucozade Sport and a Mars Bar. I bought them at a store across the street from the park. As I crossed the intersection, I hoped a car would run the light and hit me in the crosswalk, but I made it safely across the street and found a bench under a tree. I took a seat and did some thinking.

By now you’ve probably gathered that I’m not a sexy fox. I’m a boy. My name is Michael McWilliams. I’m 18 and about to start college in the autumn. My Mum’s name is Anne. She’s 39 and a teacher at the local comprehensive school that I left only a month earlier. My dad is 44 and a police inspector. He works long hours and is seldom home.

I peeled back the paper on the Mars Bar and took a bite and thought about myself and the situation I had created. The first thing that comes to mind is that I’m in a spot of trouble for getting caught in my mother’s clothes. Not to mention that I was smoking her cigarettes when she caught me. I honestly can’t say why I do it. It’s a compulsion of sorts. I’m drawn to her clothes like a magnet and I do it as often as I can.

In the early days I looked ridiculous, but with practice and a little help from the Internet, I’ve become rather good at it. My mum is beautiful, blonde, and slim and has a knockout figure. A lot of people say I inherited my looks from her and maybe they’re right. My facial shape and skin tone are similar to hers. I can actually see more than a passing resemblance when I’m made up and wearing her clothes.

As for smoking, well I just find it sexy when women do it, and when in Rome…

I knew the heath risks. God you can’t turn on the television without seeing some anti smoking advert of some sort. Smoking kills, it smells and affects those around you. But hey! There are lots of things that people do that affect others. Our planet is decaying under the threat of global warming. People drive cars that pollute the atmosphere and add to the problem. They have accidents and kill themselves and others. People over eat and grow obese. They suffer heart attacks and strokes. People take drugs and ruin their lives with heroin or coke or alcohol. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life is all about choices and we live and die by the choices we make.

Some of you won’t understand what I’m talking about. Some of you will vehemently disagree. If you’re afraid to die, then lock yourself in a plastic bubble far away from the smog and industrial pollutants that will kill you much faster than a hot blonde with a long cigarette. Any way, this isn’t about you. You’re not the one sitting on a park bench afraid to go home.

I finished my Mars Bar and stowed the empty wrapper in my gym bag. I didn’t see a trash bag and I’m not one of those guys who go around littering. I don’t do that with cigarette buts either. I use an ashtray. My mum uses one, so why shouldn’t I?

Speaking of Mum, I suppose my fascination with women smoking started with her. I grew up seeing her smoke. It’s a part of her. She makes it look good. It’s an elegant prop at social functions. It’s a needed crutch in times of crisis. It’s a reward for a job well done. It’s sexy when’s she’s flirting with my dad. It’s authoritative when she’s lecturing me. It’s comforting when she’s hugging me.

I just found it fascinating and very sexy, the way she held the cigarette delicate and erect, that initial action as she lit it, the snap inhales and the long thin stream of smoke that she blew out when she exhaled- the whole package really. The Internet expanded my fascination with the fetish and I soon learned that I wasn’t the only one who thought this way. There were sites everywhere where lovers of smoking women could post photos and videos. It captivated me. As Michael I never touched cigarettes, but as my alter ego Tracey adored them.

I finished off the bottle of Lucozade and forced myself off the bench. My problem with mum wouldn’t disappear and I couldn’t stay in the park forever. Best to get it over with, I thought as I took the long way home.

As I turned down our street, I saw my father’s car parked in front of the house. I hadn’t expected him home so early. I was certain she must have told him by now. I didn’t expect her to share it with her friends, but Dad is dad. He’s her husband and my father. Surely she’d tell him.

I thought about going back to the park as I put my hand on the door. But I reasoned that he’d find me. After all, he is a cop. I dropped my bag in the hallway and found him sitting in the kitchen.

Dad looked up from the mail he was focused on. I looked for the anger in his face that would betray his knowledge. But it was his job to stay cool. His greeting was precise, meaningless but friendly. He called me “Champ” and said, “Hello.”

“You’re home early,” I said, lifting my chin in an attempt to appear taller.

“Yeah, well, I just came back for dinner, but I got to go back out,” he said as he laid the mail down on the table.

I nodded and looked over at Mum who was fussing with the cook that had prepared our meal. She didn’t look at me as she set the table. I took a chair. The last supper, I thought as placed a napkin across my lap.

Dad passed me the gravy and asked about my day, as if he didn’t know. Oh nothing much Dad, I thought as I took the gravy. I just hung around the house wearing mum’s clothes.

“Eh, not much,” I said as I shook my head. “Just went down to the gym for a workout. What about you?”

Dad answered me with his mouth full, something my mum would never do. “Oh, we’ve got quite a big case going on. That’s why I need to go back out.”

I could have asked him about the case, but I didn’t, it’s not as if he would have told me anything anyway, confidentiality and all that. I just nodded and went back to my dinner. My strategy was to finish as quickly as possible and run. After I had eaten enough not to warrant a question from my father, I excused myself from the table, dropped the plate in the sink and grabbed a drink from the fridge. I announced that I was going upstairs to work on the PC for a while.

“Okay,” said my dad. “See you in the morning if you’re up.”

I picked up my bag and walked upstairs. I removed the dirty clothing from my bag and put them in the hamper before going to my room.

I switched on my PC and sat down in front of it. Had this been like every other day, I might have visited some of my smoking sites or TV sites, but thought better of it. I decided instead to do some general surfing before I switched it off and turning on my small portable TV. Shortly afterwards, I heard my dad leave the house. It was just mum and I now. I looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was 9:00. I turned back to the TV and watched the pictures float across the screen while I waited for the sound of her footsteps on the stairs.

The clock continued to roll and the footsteps never came. The door never opened. At 10:30, I turned off the television and got undressed. I picked up a magazine on my nightstand and got under the sheets. The words didn’t make sense. If I was reading, then I didn’t comprehend a thing. I was just passing time, waiting for Mum.

Where was she? Why was she taking so long to come up? If she was trying to make me suffer, she was doing a good job at it. I put the magazine back up on the nightstand and turned into my pillow. I didn’t think I’d sleep. How could I? But I did. Eventually and mercifully, my mind went dark and sleep absorbed me.

I woke up to an empty house. Mum and Dad had left for work. This is normally the time when I bring Tracey out to play, but that wasn’t going to happen today. After what happened yesterday, I didn’t think I’d be doing my Tracey thing any time soon. That isn’t to say I didn’t have the urge. I had it bad, but I’m not stupid. Getting caught the way I did had a way of putting my urges in perspective. I hadn’t been reprimanded yet, but I knew it was on the way. At the very least, she had me on some kind of secret probation. And she would most certainly be keeping tabs on her things. I couldn’t take the risk of disturbing her room, at least not in the immediate future. I tried taking my mind off yesterday by occupying myself with television. Later in the day, I took a short jog around the park.

Evening came and went without a confrontation. I figured my mum wanted to keep me worrying. I wondered about Dad, but I didn’t think she told him. As a macho policeman, the thought of his son dressing in women’s clothes would have provoked some sort of reaction. I stayed in my room that night and waited for it to happen. I wanted to get it over with. Waiting and wondering had to be worse than the real thing. At one point during the night, I almost went down stairs to stoke the fire with my mum. But when it came right down to it, I didn’t have the courage to throw my legs over the bed, much less walk down stairs to face Mum. I pulled the sheets to my chin and cowered beneath them.

By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was beginning to think I’d been given a pass. Maybe I’ll be okay if I just don’t do it again or don’t get caught. The day began with an Induction meeting at my new college that ate up most of the morning. Afterwards, I stopped by the gym for a quick workout and made it home in time for tea.

Mum and I ate dinner alone as Dad was working late again. We had a lot to talk about but of course we didn’t talk about it, so dinner was fairly uncomfortable for both of us. I kept hoping things would just go back to normal, the way they’d been before she found out about me. Or maybe she thought it had been a one-time thing. It could have been that I was making too big a deal out of it, but it was a big deal and I couldn’t bring my self to look her in the eye. How could I, after what I’d done? I ate as quickly as I could and excused myself to my room. Better to be a prisoner in my room than to be the guest of honour at the gallows, I reasoned.

I had settled down to watch some re-run of an old UK cop show. I’d seen the episode before. I remembered it as the one where the WPC gets kidnapped. It’s a great scene where she gets bound and gagged in an old deserted warehouse. Bondage is another fantasy of mine, but I’ll leave that for another time. I might have gotten involved with the show if it hadn’t been for the rap on the door. I looked up to see my mum standing in the doorway.

She held an ashtray in one hand and a pack of Berkley’s in the other. The look on her face was painful as she stepped inside and closed the door. “We need to talk about the other day,” she said.

“Do we have to,” I asked? “It won’t happen again,” I pleaded.

Mum picked up a chair and pulled it up beside my bed. She set the ashtray on the bedside table and lit a cigarette from her pack.

“Uh-uh, no,” said my mum as she leaned forward in her chair. “I saw what I saw and I need to know why I saw it. I need to know what’s going on in your head.”

I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip. I racked my brain in search of the words she wanted to hear. Was there anything I could say to make it go away?

Mum touched my chin with her fingers. “Avril Watson was with me when I found you in the kitchen.”

I groaned. Avril Watson is our neighbour and a friend of my mum’s. She’s also a history teacher at my old school. I took her class in my final year. “Did she see me,” I asked?

“No she didn’t, but that doesn’t excuse what you did and it doesn’t answer my question. Why were you wearing my clothes? And you were smoking. I thought you were smarter than that.” She put her hand on my leg. “What’s going on honey? Tell me. I need to know.”

I chose the easy way out. I told her I didn’t know.

“What? You don’t know why you were smoking? Or you don’t know why you were parading around the house in my clothes? C’mon Michael. Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot. A boy like you doesn’t put on his mother’s clothes and take up smoking without a reason. You’re either crazy or you’re gay, so which is it? Or is it something else?”

That was one of the pitfalls of being the son of a teacher. Mum had a habit of asking multiple-choice questions. Is it ‘A’, ‘B’, or ‘C’- none of the above?

“I don’t think I’m gay,” I said softly.

“You’re not?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “No, I don’t think so. I don’t know, maybe.” I shook my head and wiped away a tear. “I don’t know Mum. I don’t know what I am. Maybe I am crazy.”

Mum took a draw from her cigarette and exhaled. “Don’t cry,” she said as she got up from her chair and sat down beside me on the bed. “It’s ok darling. You can talk to me. You know that, don’t you? I’ve not said anything to your Dad, and I might not have to if we can talk this through.”

At least that was something, I thought as I rubbed at my eyes. I’d gotten lucky with Avril Watson. I didn’t think my mum would tell her, but my father was another matter. I’d do anything to keep him from finding out.

“Let’s go slowly, one step at a time,” said Mum. “We’ll start with the clothes. When did you start dressing up?”

“About two years ago,” I sighed. “I guess I was about sixteen, maybe fifteen. It’s been a while though.”

“What made you start? Why do you do it?”

“I’m not really sure. I mean I like it, but I’m not sure why.”

“Does it have something to do with the way they feel? Do you like the clothes?”

“Oh yes,” I said almost too excitedly. “They’re so much softer than mine, prettier too. Boy clothes are so boring. They’re all the same. They’re just trousers, shoes and shirts, but women’s clothes, your clothes, aren’t like that. You can do things with them, like mix and match. And they’re just so pretty.”

Mum nodded as I talked and took another long drag from her cigarette. I watched as she got off the bed and opened the window to thin out the smoke. I was still talking excitedly as she sat back down on the bed.

“Women can wear skirts, slacks, any colour any length or design. They can wear tops- tight or loose. And there are all kinds of fabrics to choose from; silk, nylon, and cotton. You name it,” I said.

“Okay, so you like the clothes. But that doesn’t tell me why you wear them,” she said as crushed out the cigarette in the ashtray. “How does it make you feel; attractive, sexy, what?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. All of those things, I guess and a bit more. It definitely feels comfortable but there’s more to it than that. And I do feel kind of sexy and pretty. But the other thing is, when I’m wearing your clothes, it just feels right. You know, like it’s the way I’m supposed to feel.”

I stared at her as she picked up her cigarettes and pulled one out. My eyes followed her hand as she placed it between her lips and lit it. The sight of her smoking mesmerized me. She exhaled and looked back and forth between the cigarette in her hand and me.

“Are you telling me you want to be a girl,” she asked?

“I don’t know, maybe, maybe not. I just feel more comfortable as Tracey.”

“Oh? So that’s what you call yourself?” she asked while smiling.

The mere fact that she was smiling, rather than baring her teeth, put me at ease. Maybe this won’t be as difficult as I thought, I hoped.

“So what about the smoking,” she asked? “None of your friends do it, so it can’t be peer pressure.”

“I’m eighteen Mom. I’m not a little kid any more,” I said defensively.

“I know how old you are Michael. After all, I did give birth to you. But since you want to make an issue of it, being eighteen has nothing to do with being an adult. You still live at home and your father and I are paying for your education. As far as I’m concerned, I’m still your mother and you’re my child. And I want to know why my child is sneaking around the house smoking my cigarettes. If you were proud of it, you would have come to me and announced it, but you didn’t do that. Did you?”

“I’m sorry Mum. I won’t do it again.”

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry. Just tell me why you want to smoke. Is it because of me? I need to know if I did or said anything that would make you want to start.”

I opened my mouth, not because I’d thought of an answer she’d want to hear, but because I was hoping one would come. Thinking better, I shut my mouth and looked down at my lap.

“What is it? You were going to say something.”

I told her it was nothing.

“Tell me,” she said sternly. “I need to know.”

The words crawled awkwardly from my parched throat. “I think you’re sexy when you smoke.”

“Eh, am I understanding you right? You would have sex with me?”

“Not exactly, I mean no! That’s not what I meant.” I looked down at the floor in shame and sighed. “I just think it’s sexy when women smoke.” There! I’d gone and dug a hole for myself.

Mum raised her eyebrows. “I guess you’ll need to explain it to me because I don’t understand.”

“It’s hard to explain,” I continued. “I just like the way it looks when they do it. You know, when they light it. And I love the way they hold it. It’s like they’re caressing it. And it’s the way the smoke looks when they’re breathing it in and blowing it out.”

The look on her face told me she was puzzled, but surprisingly, she wasn’t mad. “Here! Let me show you,” I said as I bounded off the bed and went to the computer. “I’m not the only one that feels this way.”

I clicked on address arrow in the browser and the last ten websites I visited were displayed underneath. I quickly clicked on ‘smokingwomen.com’, hoping she wouldn’t notice the site on the bottom called
‘smokeyblowjobs.com’. The monitor went blank and then the familiar black screen with red writing appeared above Suzie and her cigarette. My heart palpitated as I studied her tight black leather trousers and skin tight red latex top. She held a long white cigarette between her fingers and sported a set of red manicured nails. I would have gotten stiff if mum hadn’t been standing so close beside me.

I flicked through several more pages of pictures and videos of women smoking in different outfits. Some were better looking than others but they were all sexy in their own way.

Mom was stunned. “I had no idea thing’s like this existed” she said as she stared at the screen.

“You see! It’s not just me,” I said with a look of redemption on my face.

“But what does smoking have to do with your dressing,” she asked?

“I guess it makes me feel sexy and more grown-up when I’m dressed. I don’t know really. I think about it a lot though. It’s just something in me, something I feel like I have to do.”

Mum replied by walking to my nightstand and lighting another cigarette in front of me. I’m not sure if she was teasing me, but she turned just as she performed a glorious snap inhale, followed by a long thick exhale.

“I need to think about this,” she said.

“Are you going to tell Dad,” I asked. I anxiously stared at the floor as I waited for her to answer.

“Not yet, we’ll have to see” she said. “Do you think this is maybe a phase you’re going through? Do you feel like you’ll grow out of it?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I told her I’d never thought about it like that.

“Maybe I should let you be a woman for a day. It’s not that easy you know, having to look good all the time. Maybe you’d change your mind if you saw what it’s really like. What do you think Michael? Would you like to try it?”

I told her I wasn’t sure. I said I didn’t know, but the voice inside me screamed yes,yes,yes. “What about Dad,” I asked? “Wouldn’t he get mad?”

“Probably,” said my mother. “But we could do it when he goes out of town for one of his courses. As a matter of fact, he has one next month after our holiday. We could do it then.”

I urged myself to say yes as I watched her bring the cigarette to her lips for another teasing snap-inhale.

“Just you and me for the day” she said as she exhaled. “You could be my daughter, or maybe even my sister.”

I was on the verge of saying yes when she pulled the rug out from under me and slammed the door in my face.

“It’s okay honey,” she said as she touched my shoulder. “We don’t have to do it if it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe we could do something more civilized, like have lunch and see a movie. Would you like that?”

I nodded painfully. “Yeah, that would be nice. We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Okay then,” said mum as she turned toward the door. “It’s a date.”

I tried to smile and be happy. After all, I had just survived the talk with mom that I’d been dreading for days. I told her everything. She might not have understood, but I could tell she didn’t hate me. I should have felt victorious, but I had failed myself.

“Oh darling,” said mum as she turned around in the doorframe. “One last thing before I forget. I don’t want you to ever dress up in my clothes again. Is that clear?”

“Ok mom. I won’t,” I said sadly.

“Good then. I’m glad we got that clear. Sleep well. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The life that could have been, flashed before my eyes, as I watched my mother close the door. By saying no to my mom, I had said no to Tracey. I’d said no to dressing up with my mom and maybe even smoking with her. I fell down on my bed and mourned the woman I’d come so close to becoming.

I awoke to the sounds of birds chirping and cars driving past my window. Sunlight peeked through my curtains, urging me to enjoy my new lease on life. I sat up in bed and flung my legs over the side. The first thing that came to mind was the last thing I remembered from the night before. My sense of relief of having smoothed things over with my mother was spackled with regrets of things that might have been had I spoken up and accepted her offer.

I tried to rationalize it by telling myself that she hadn’t been serious. She’d been testing me and I had passed her test. She is a schoolteacher after all. But what if last night had been for real? What if she’d been serious about letting me be Tracey for a day? Had I passed up a golden opportunity to frolic as a woman with my mother?

I closed my eyes and replayed her words in my head. I wanted to relive that feeling of total ecstasy and fear. I’d almost had a heart attack when she suggested it. Be a girl with me. Hang out with me. We’ll make a day of it. And what if we had? What would it have been like?

I sighed as I pictured heaven. I saw Tracey and my mom together. I saw us at the shopping centre, walking across the brightly tiled floors. The stores were crowded with shoppers. I didn’t feel or look out of place in my tight red dress. Mom was wearing a black skirt with a revealing top. Our heels matched and our make-up and hair looked fabulous. I took a deep breath and imagined the feeling of pushing my long sharp nails against my palm.

We walked outside and took a table at a small outdoor café. Mom opens her bag and pulls out a pack of her Berkley Menthols. She takes one for herself and stops short of returning the pack to her purse. She smiles and looks at me. She calls me Tracey and asks if I would like to join her. She holds out the pack to me. My fear swells, making me reluctant, but her warm smile is so assuring. My eyes follow the bright red long nails on my fingers as they move across the table, pinching a filter and pulling a cigarette from the pack. I feel so naughty because I know I shouldn’t be smoking, especially in front of my mother. I ask her with my eyes if she’s sure. She smiles and lights her own cigarette with her slim gold lighter. I place the cigarette between my lips and lean forward as she reaches across the table to light it and the phone rings.

The fucking phone rang! I open my eyes and curse some more as I stumble out of my bed and down the hall to my parent’s room to answer it. My mother’s voice greets me.

“Good morning darling. Did you just wake up?”

Her voice is cheerful but its no substitute for the fantasy she interrupted by calling to wish me good morning. “Yeah, I just woke up. Do you need something?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Can you run by the cleaners today and pick up your father’s suit? I’ve got a meeting at lunch so I can’t collect it afterwards.”

“Eh, I suppose so.”

“Good! There’s some money in the drawer of the phone table downstairs. Just use that and I’ll see you later. Got to go now honey, kisses!”

I grunted and hung up the phone.

I turned to leave but paused instead to take a look around my parent’s room. I was immediately drawn to my mother’s vanity and it’s offering of perfumes, lotion and make-up. My eyes wandered past the vanity and settled on the closet. I took a deep breath and sighed as I thought about all her lovely clothes, which she had strictly forbid me to touch. Better get out of here, I thought, before temptation gets the better of me.

Back in my room, I throw on a pair of jeans and a white shirt. Pulling on a pair of socks and my training shoes, I head off downstairs to make some toast and grab a glass of fruit juice. I pick up the paper and leaf through it, thinking about the difference between starting my morning as Michael versus Tracey. I finish my breakfast without lingering. There’s nothing to savour.

I would have been into my last couple days of being Tracey had I not gotten caught. Mom will be at home on holiday once school finishes up on Friday. Last year students, like myself, had the option of skipping the final three weeks following exams, and I had exercised my privilege. As you know, I had better things to do than sit in school and better people to be than myself.

I collected some money from the jar as Mom had told me. Looking outside, I see it’s bright and sunny, no need for a jacket then I thought. Checking the clock, I calculate that I can return from the cleaners in time to catch the Wimbledon on TV. I figured watching tennis would help keep my mind off of being Tracey.

I lock the door behind me and walk about a block to the stop where I catch the 305a bus that takes me to the town-centre.

My morning fantasy haunts me as I wander around the shopping centre. I see the café that I had imagined sitting in with my mom. I still have plenty of time, so I take a seat and order a cup of coffee from the waitress. As I wait for my drink, I look across the patio and focus on two women taking a break from their jobs. They were both dressed in navy blue blazers and skirts with white blouses. They wore matching yellow neck scarves. Both had stilettos on their feet. I assumed they worked together at the bank across the street and were taking an early lunch.

I watch as the older woman takes a cigarette from her pack and offers it to the younger lady who accepts it. The older one lights her cigarette and passes the lighter to the younger one who follows suit. I’m so intent on watching them that I fail to notice the waitress has set my coffee on the table. I can’t hear what they’re talking about but they both appear engaged in their conversation. I watch as the younger girl, who was probably five or more years older than myself, cranes her head back and exhales a cloud of smoke toward the sky. She’s laughing and looks very relaxed and happy. I wonder how long she’s been smoking? Do her parents know? Could the other woman be her mother? I doubted it, but that didn’t stop my penis from growing stiff beneath the table as I imagined mom and I trading places with them.

I stayed at my table until the women finished their cigarettes and paid the bill. I waited to leave until they crossed the street. In case they’d noticed me staring, I didn’t want to appear as if I were stalking them.

After paying for my coffee, I retrieve the suit from the cleaners and begin the short journey to bus stop. As I’m walking down the street, I pass a thrift shop called Barnardos. I catch a glimpse of a dress in their display window. It catches my eye so I stop and take a look. The first thing I notice is the colour. It’s red- a spectacular red. It’s a halter style dress and I admire the plunging neckline. Judging by the way it hung on the mannequin, I suspected it would be ankle length on me. On me? Yeah, right. I turned around to see if someone who might recognize me was watching. I’m just looking in a store window, I reasoned. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong. I dropped to one knee and retied my shoe as I looked up and tried to read the price tag.  £20! That was well within my price range. I knew it was crazy, but I wanted that dress and I just had to have it! The thought of what to do with it didn’t occur to me as I lusted after it. Of course I intended to wear it, but where would I hide it in the meantime? In my closet? Did it matter? I figured it must have belonged to a girl who had worn it to her prom. She must have felt gorgeous in it and so would I!

I looked over at the bank, the one the women from the café had gone back to after lunch. I saw a cash dispenser embedded in the wall and made my way over to it. My pulse throbbed as I took my card out of my wallet and pushed it into the slot. Typing in my pin code, I waited anxiously for my cash to be dispensed. Three crisp ten pound notes emerged. I took them and slipped them into my pocket and walked away.

Having the money in my pocket did nothing for my courage. If anything I was more frightened because I was one step closer to owning that dress. I took a deep breath and held it, hoping to steady my nerves. It didn’t work. My hands were sweating profusely and it wasn’t even hot. I need a cigarette, I thought. That will help.

The idea of ‘needing’ a cigarette was foreign to me, and I immediately questioned it. As Tracey, I had ‘wanted’ cigarettes, but never needed them. It wasn’t like I was addicted like my mom or her friends. And as far as Michael is concerned, well I’ve never smoked as myself. I’ve never even purchased my own cigarettes and I tried to talk myself out of it as I approached a nearby news stand.

Once inside the shop, I bypassed the counter and went directly to the magazine rack. There was no one in the store that knew me. As I had told mum earlier, I was eighteen, so there was nothing to stop me, save for my conscious. I made a decision to ignore the voice in my head that sounded oddly like my mother’s and walked up to the counter. I chose a disposable lighter from the display and looked blankly at the cashier when he asked if there would be anything else before he rung up my purchase. I looked at the cigarette display behind the counter. As a boy, I knew I should choose a manly brand of smokes, but I’d never smoked anything other than my mother’s feminine Berkley’s. Who am I trying to kid? I’m on my way to buy a dress. How manly is that? I asked the cashier for a ten pack of Berkley Menthols, the kind my mother smokes. He laid the pack on the counter next to my lighter and rang up the purchase. I paid the man and blushed as I stuffed my purchase into my pocket and slunk out the door.

I stepped out on to the sidewalk and moved away from the shop’s door. I scanned the street and sidewalks for familiar faces. I didn’t want anyone I knew to see me smoking, especially women’s cigarettes. It looked safe, but not safe enough and I wasn’t willing to take chances. I couldn’t afford for anyone to take notice and ask my mother about it, not if I had plans of stowing a prom dress in the back of my closet.

I spotted a little landscaped area just the other side of the bus terminus with bushes around it. From where I stood, I could see a couple of benches and figured that it was as good a spot as any. I walked over and hung up dad’s suit on the wooden bench and sat down. I removed the clear plastic foil from the packet and opened them; pulling away the shiny paper at the top. I took one out and popped it in my mouth. Flicking the lighter, I pushed the tip into the flame and inhaled. Coughing slightly, I sat back and considered a strategy that would allow for me to buy the dress at Barnardo’s.

As I was sitting on the bench smoking a mother and her young boy walked out of the terminus and passed me. The boy pointed at the pack of Berkley’s on the bench beside me.

“Look mum. That boy smokes the same kind of ciggies as you do.”

The woman shot me a disgusted look, took her son by the hand and dragged him away from me- the boy smoking women’s cigarettes. If I hadn’t needed the cigarette so badly, I would have stepped on it and ran. I finished it instead and put it out in the sand bucket by the bench.

This is it, I thought as I looked across the street at Barnardo’s. It’s not like the lady in the store can refuse to sell it to me. I wondered if it would fit as I made my way through the crosswalk.

I botched my first attempt at entering the store. It wasn’t the doorknob that gave me trouble. It was my feet. They walked right on past the store and didn’t stop until they had taken me fifty yards past my target. By the time I regained control of them, I was standing in front of a shoe store.

I like shoes, I thought as I looked in the window, especially heels. I admired some of the styles and colours, trying hard to make sure it looked as if I was looking at the men’s shoes while my eyes were really scanning the feminine heels on show. I tore myself away from the window. I shook my head and urged myself to get a grip as I turned back toward the thrift shop.

The door to Barnardo’s looked heavy as I stood in front of it. “Just do it,” I said out loud as I pushed it open with my hand and stepped inside. The boy alarm went off overhead as the door closed behind me. Okay, so it wasn’t a boy alarm. It was just a chime.

Upon hearing the sound, the woman who ran the shop turned around and offered me a smile. I nodded at her as I made a dash to display of second hand books.

I congratulated myself on being inconspicuous as I poured through the titles, without a clue as to what I was looking at. I concentrated on looking like a reader as I flipped through the meaningless pages. My fingers, drenched from sweat, left stains on the pages as I turned them.

If the lady of the store had been watching me, she would have marvelled at my talent for reading a book with my fingers while studying the dress in her window with my eyes. She didn’t see me though, as she was busy tagging some new merchandise. I took advantage of her preoccupation and made a stealthy approach toward the dress. I was so busy admiring the back view of the dress that I didn’t see the shelves of coffee mugs until I was right up on them.

The ceramic mugs rattled against their glass shelving. I picked up a mug just as the woman turned her attention toward me. “Sorry,” I said out loud. She smiled and nodded and returned to her pricing duties.

I continued my approach with a couple of old books in one hand and a coffee mug, proclaiming my love for “Big Ben” in the other.

Upon closer inspection, the dress was just as marvellous up close as it had been from the street. It had a low cut back and would need to be worn braless. No problem, I thought as I spotted the tag, identifying the dress as a size 10. I was in luck! My mom was a size 12 and her clothes were a little big on me. A size 10 would be tight but it would definitely be wearable.

I took a deep breath and walked up to the counter and laid the books and the mug on the top. The woman laid down her price gun and asked if I had found everything I had been looking for. She was making it easy for me.

I told her about my girlfriend, the one I had concocted on the bench while having a cigarette. “Her birthday is next week, and I’d kind of like to get her something special.”

The woman smiled as she picked up the coffee mug. “Are you Big Ben,” she asked?

“As a matter of fact, I am,” I lied. “I thought it would be kind of funny if I gave it to her.”

She nodded as she wrapped the mug in paper to keep it from being scratched. “What kind of things does your girlfriend like,” she asked?

“Pretty things,” I said. “That dress in your window is pretty,” I said, pointing at it with my finger. “How much do you want for it?” I asked, pretending I hadn’t looked at the price.

“Twenty pounds,” said the woman. “By chance, would you know what size she wears?”

I told her I wasn’t positive, but I believed it to be either a nine or a ten.

“I’ll check for you,” she said as she left me at the counter and walked up to the window.

“You’re in luck Ben!” she called out, just as two older women walked into the store. “It’s a ten! I think it will probably fit!”

The two women shot me a curious look.

“I’ll take it for my girlfriend!” I said as loudly as I could without shouting.

I sweated profusely as the woman stripped the mannequin and the two older women browsed the shop. It’s almost mine, I thought excitedly as I urged myself to calm down. I watched as the woman neatly entombed the dress in a disposable garment bag. She rang up my purchases and I handed her the cash. She smiled knowingly as she placed the change in my hands. As she thanked me for the business, I wondered if she knew I had bought the dress for myself. I didn’t ponder on the answer. I thanked her, picked up my bags and hurried out of the store.

Once outside, I was elated I’d done it. The beautiful dress was mine. Concerned that someone might spot me with the dress over my shoulder, I hung it under the protective sheet that covered my dad’s suit. The dress was mine, but when would I get the opportunity to wear it? I went home to hatch a plan.

I was desperate to try it on that afternoon but the risk of getting caught was too high. Even locking the bathroom and trying it on in there would be too much of a risk. Instead, I concentrated on concealing it from discovery. I looked around my room for a suitable place. I finally decided on a large game box in my cupboard. Someone had bought it for me a few years back. It was a casino set, complete with a roulette wheel and dummy card table, but more importantly, it had a raised base so that when I took out the wheel board, there was a space below. I carefully folded the garment, pausing to feel its texture as I pressed it against my cheek. I placed it in the box and covered it. I knew that it would crease it a bit but that’s what they make irons for. I put it away and dreamed of the day I could wear it.

I didn’t think I’d have an opportunity to try on the dress until the October break or maybe even Christmas. I guess you could say Christmas came early at my house. Mom paid me a visit in my room last night. She wanted to remind me of the retirement party for Mr. Frame.

“I’ll be home late,” she said, “so I’ll pick you up a pizza on my way home, before I go.”

“Just me and Dad,” I asked?

“No. He’s working late too. Some big case.”

I tried to look unconcerned, but the wheels in my head were spinning.

“And remember what you promised,” she said with a stern look.

“Yeah mum,” I replied in a short and disgusted tone that let her know that I knew what she was talking about without her having to summarize it.

“Good then,” she said as she closed the door, leaving me to ponder the dress in my closet.

I have my own dress now, I thought as I sprawled out on the bed. The lawyer in me rationalized that she hadn’t specifically forbid me to borrow the garments that go beneath a dress. After all, things like bras and panties aren’t really clothes. It’s not like you can wear them alone by themselves. Of course I didn’t plan on asking my mother for her opinion. I’d just snatch a few things from the hamper, without disturbing anything in her drawers. Nothing wrong with that, I decided as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Today was the day I could wear my dress. After checking the house to make sure everyone had left for the day, I took a shower and went to work on my legs. It had been a week or so since I last shaved them and judging by the stubble, I thought it best not to ignore them. After drying off, I walked into my mom’s room and took a seat at her vanity.

I spent the next forty minutes or so being extra careful not to make a mess or leave any traces of used make up on the top of the table. I applied a little foundation as I considered the similarities between my mother’s complexion and my own. The way we looked alike was uncanny, I thought as I dusted on some powder and then set about my eyes.

I used a deep blue eye shadow and lined my eyes. I followed with mascara, lengthening and separating my lashes. I had quite long lashes, especially for a boy. My lips were next and I made good use of my mother’s lip brushes and a tube of deep red lipstick.

I studied my reflection in the mirror until I was satisfied with the look I had achieved. I cleaned up the brushes and raided the dirty clothes hamper for panties. I quickly found what I was looking for. I also found an excellent pair of tan hose. I congratulated myself on my resourcefulness as I stole back to my room with the bounty of pilfered garments under my arm.

I slipped on the panties and pulled up the tights as I marvelled at the delicious feeling coming over me. I went to my closet and found the casino box. The anticipation built up as I removed the false bottom and pulled out the dress. I held it up and looked at the halter neck. It had a popper clasp with some additional fabric that I could tie to make it a bit more secure. Opening the clasp, I stepped into it and eased it up over my hips.

It was a bit tight as I had expected, but I eventually managed to get it on and close the clasp. Tying the fabric behind my neck into a bow. I was desperate to see the finished article but I wasn’t finished preparing. I hurried back to my parent’s room and found a red pair of sandals in my mother’s closet. The sandals had two-inch heels. I would have preferred something higher, but these would have to do, I thought, as I squeezed my feet into them.

I found breasts in the form of toilet paper in the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and stuffed the dress’s cups, while moulding the paper into an effective and generous bosom. The look was grandee, but I needed some bling. I found it in my mother’s jewellery box. It’s always such a mess, so I didn’t worry about rearranging it to fit my needs. I helped myself to a couple of rings and a pair of her clip on earrings as well as simple gold chain for my neck.

I also found a set of false nails in one of her drawers. They were the pre-glued kind from Revlon. They’re meant for one-time wear, but mom always seemed to get more mileage out of them was able to keep the better ones as spares. I sat down and patiently pushed them into place upon my fingers. Afterwards, I held my hands in front of me and admired the French tip effect of my long nails.

I strutted over to the full-length mirror and gawked at Tracey. She was stunning. I was stunning! I trembled in front of my reflection as my imagination raced with improbable situations and fantasies. I saw myself at a dance with a faceless and nameless companion on my arm.

I needed a cigarette! I remembered the pack I had bought the other day while I was in town. I went to my room and found them in my gym bag where I had hidden them. The pack and lighter looked absolutely darling wrapped tightly inside my hand.

I need a drink! I went downstairs and poured some wine. With a glass in one hand and my cigarettes in the other, I sauntered to the lounge and turned on the television. I sat down in the armchair, crossing my legs, the split of the dress opening up, not to revealing, but showing a bit of tan coloured thigh. I used my French nails to open the pack and remove a cigarette. I placed it between my lips and lit it. “Tracey’s back,” I said as I exhaled.

I took a sip of wine and watched as an Australian soap played itself out for me on the television. One of the characters, a woman, told her partner that she was finished with him. Their argument grew more intense. He grabs her, covering her mouth with his hand. She struggles but she can’t overcome his strength. He pulls her across the floor, opens a door to storage room and shoves her inside.

I take a puff from my cigarette as I watch him rough her up. He pushes her arms behind her back and reaches for some rope that he finds on a shelf. He ties her hands together. She screams for him to let her loose, but how often does that work?

He gags her with some cloth. That will shut her up for a while, I think as I take a sip of wine. He gets some more rope and goes to work on her ankles. She’ll never get out of this pickle, I think as the show fades to black for a commercial.

You might recall I have a soft spot in my heart and a hard spot in my groin for a damsel in distress. I couldn’t help but imagine myself in the actress’s place. I took a puff from my cigarette and closed my eyes. I saw myself in my wonderful dress being held for hostage. Would Daddy pay the ransom?

I got up from the chair and looked at the clock. It was barely noon, so I definitely had the time. Oh, this will be fun, I thought as I headed out to the garage.

Dad had built the garage a few years back and had altered the kitchen a bit so that you could access it from the kitchen. I looked around at the empty garage trying to find something to use. I found some black duct tape and a little rope, not much, but it would have to do. I considered tying myself up in the garage but decided against it, not wanting to get oil or anything on the dress. In hindsight the garage might have been a better idea, but then again that’s hindsight.

I made my way back into the lounge. Taking one of the dining table chairs, I placed it in the centre of the room by the settee. I figured I could tie myself up there and watch the remainder of the soap while in my bound state. I thought of the damsel in the storage room as I sat down with the duct tape. I had a feeling there wasn’t enough tape left on the spool to finish the job and I was right.

So what? I thought as I got up from the chair. There’s more than one way to skin a cat or tie up a damsel. I found some clothes rags in the kitchen. I guess you could say Mom is into recycling. She cuts up our old clothes and uses them for dust rags. I recognized one of my old tee shirts as I inspected a piece that was about a decimetre wide. This will do, I thought as I returned to the lounge feeling quite proud of my ability to improvise. What’s more, I thought, I can throw it away if I get lipstick on it.

I took a seat and looked at the TV. My show was back on but my damsel was nowhere to be seen. Oh well, she’ll show up, I thought as I picked up the rope and tied my ankles to the chair legs. I took another piece of rope and make a couple of loops in it for my wrists. I checked the fit by wiggling my hands inside. Not bad, I thought as I removed the loop from my hands and tied the free end to the spindle under the chair. I wrapped the longer piece of rope twice round my waist and the chair’s back, tying it off at my hip. I’d done a good job, not that Houdini would have had much trouble escaping, but I wasn’t Houdini, and I didn’t really want to escape, at least not yet. There’s my damsel, I thought as I caught a flash of her on the screen. She’s got a gag in her mouth. Might I need one?

I balled up a piece of the cotton teeshirt and shoved it in my mouth. I took the other piece and wound it between my teeth tying it tightly behind my head. I tried to talk. “Hello,” I said. “I have a gag in my pretty little mouth.” But it didn’t sound like that. It sounded more like, “Mmmnph, mmmnph…”

I moved on to the tricky part. I took the two loops and slipped one wrist inside. Moving my hands behind my back, I brought them together. I slipped the free hand inside one loop and twisted it around before slipping it through the same loop again. I took up a good bit of the slack and slipped the second wrist into the second loop and twist it again, before putting my wrist through again for a second time. I pulled upwards on the knot, tightening it. Oh yeah, I wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry.

I struggle while I watch the TV. I imagine it’s me in the storeroom. The kidnapper has me. I’m at his mercy. I watch as the kidnapper enters the storeroom with a glass of water. He loosens the gag. She drinks from the glass through her tears. She pleads for her freedom. I plead along with her. “Mmmnph, mmnph- let me go.”

She asks him why he’s doing this to her. She promises she won’t turn him in if he just lets her go.

“Sorry,” says the kidnapper. “You’re mine forever,” he says as he pulls the gag back over her mouth.

She jerks her head back and tries to scream as he pulls the gag tighter her lips stretching back. I scream too. “Mmmph!”

For one brief second, I had a fantastic view of our ceiling, and then our wall, and finally our floor. I was on my side, still bound to the chair. “Mmmph!” That means ‘Oh Shit’ in gag speak.

With a little patience, I could have gotten myself out of the mess if I hadn’t panicked. But I did panic and I did struggle. The knots grew tighter.

The door opened. What? No! A woman’s voice calls out my name, but she’s not my mother, yet I know her voice. It is but it can’t be. Her footsteps grow louder as she approaches. She’ll be able to see me soon. What then?

I hear her gasp. “What’s this?” she asks?

I look up to see Avril Watson looking down at me. What the fuck is she doing here?

“Oh my God,” she says as she rights the chair with me in it. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“Mmmph.” I see the look of recognition in her face.

She smiles coyly. “Well hello Michael. So what do we have here?”

“Mmmph.”

She nods as if she understands gag speak. I start working at the knot on my wrist. There’s a little slack now. I see her hand move to the knot. Oh great! She’s going to help me. I could use some help, but what will I tell her once I’m free.

Instead of loosening the knot, she tightens it. I look up at her. “Mmmph?”

She tells me to relax. “Don’t go anywhere,” she says as she disappears into the kitchen.

Mrs. Watson is my mother’s friend and one of my former teachers. She teaches at the same school with my mom. I’m fucked. Fucked? Yeah sure, she’s hot! I’d love to fuck her, but I wasn’t thinking of that kind of fuck. I was thinking of another kind of fucked and it wasn’t pleasant at all.

Did I say she’s hot? She is. She’s older than my mom by about four years, but she’s still hot as hell. Most of the students, at least the guy students, have a crush on her. They probably have one on mom as well, but they’d never tell me that to my face.

Mrs. Watson lived just around the corner from us. She and Mom often shared a car on their way to work. They hadn’t started out as friends, but about three or four years ago, Mr Watson did a runner with his secretary. I never understood why he would do such a thing because his wife is hot as hell, but there you go. She and Mom got close after that. A friend in need is a friend in deed, or something like that.

Mrs. Watson was always a smart dresser. I don’t think I’ve seen her look bad inside or outside the school. She’s also a smoker, but saying she smokes is like saying Rembrandt paints. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I’ll try.

I’ve always thought the way a woman smokes is kind of descriptive of her personality. Take my mother, for example. She’s a fine looking woman loaded with class and style. She’s sophisticated and elegant, and that’s the way she smokes- like a lady. Mrs. Watson doesn’t smoke like a lady. She smokes like a slut!

Of course I’m not saying she’s a slut. It’s just that she knows she looks sexy when she does it. I mean why else would she smoke those long brown More cigarettes in the red pack? I don’t know what it is with me and cigarette length. So what? She smokes long cigarettes. It’s just an addiction. I know she can’t help it and neither can my mom. It’s just than when I look at a pack of cigarettes, I think about the kind of woman that might smoke them. My mom is a nice woman. A nice woman like her smokes a nice cigarette like Berkley. So what does that say about Mrs. Watson and her Mores? I can’t say definitively, but when she’s smoking them, its like she’s talking to me and my penis listens to every word her slutty cigarette says.

Mrs. Watson returned from the kitchen with a glass of red wine in her hand. Her walk was sultry. Or was it the sound of her heels clicking on the floor that I found so appealing? Appealing or not, the grin on her face was troubling. She pulled the gag down a bit and the cloth in my mouth fell out.

“Well, well Michael! Who would have thought it? You’re a little cross dresser, aren’t you,” she said as she took a seat beside me.

I watched as she picked up her bag and removed her cigarettes. Oh shit, I thought to myself, as she took one out of the red packet and lit it with silver lighter. She inhaled deeply and exhaled triumphantly. The thin brown cigarette jutted out of her fingers. Her long painted manicured nails caught the light and glimmered as she waved the cigarette in front of her, pointing it at me.

“You know,” she mused, “I’ve always thought there was something a bit different about you.” She sipped the wine and continued her thoughts. “You know you do look quite cute as a girl though. What? Nothing to say?”

I shook my head no and stared at the floor.

She continued to smoke; taking long inhales with a range of mouth closures and snaps. She even blew smoke rings in my direction. I wasn’t staring at the floor any more. I was staring at her and her cigarette. The two of them looked so slutty together. And then it happened. My body began to betray me and I felt every inch of its betrayal, as my penis grew hard between my thighs. Not now, I pleaded silently.

Thinking about it only made it worse. It grew and pushed against the fabric of my dress. If my hands hadn’t been tied, I could have covered it. I wanted to look away but my eyes were locked on hers. God, she looked so sexy. Keep smoking, I thought. No. Stop. Put it out. She did, but she replaced it with a fresh one from her pack. She’d have to blind not to see it poking through. She wasn’t blind.

“Oh my! And what do we have here?” she asked as she stood up and lit her cigarette while looking down on me. She set the lighter on the edge of the chair and walked towards me, the cigarette protruding from her slim fingers.

“I do believe you’re getting a bit excited about this,” she said as she raised the cigarette to her lips and filled her lungs with smoke.

My cock twitched and she noticed the movement. She called me a little ‘perve’ and accused of me getting turned on by her smoking.

“Is that how you get your jollies?” She smirked and took a long drag as watched my dress move. “You should be ashamed of your self, getting pleasure from a woman’s addiction. I bet you get excited watching your mom smoke too. Don’t you?”

“No,” I argued. “It’s not like that.”

“I think it is like that,” she said as she reached down and put her hand under my dress, pulling down my tights and freeing my erect cock.

I groaned in sexual torment and mental angst.

She shook her head and grinned. “You’re not very big, you know, but then again, I’m not surprised.”

I pleaded with my eyes for her to stop what she was doing. Let me go. Forget about this. Walk away and don’t tell my parents. Please!

“Maybe we could have a little fun,” she said as her fingers circled my shaft her other hand lifted the wet piece of cloth “Open up” she said, I opened my mouth she pushed it back inside and then pushed the gag back into place “Mnnnumph” I said, her cigarette bobbed between her lips. She began to stroke me.

The situation had gone beyond me and the pressure in my throbbing shaft reached its boiling point. Less than four stokes of her hand and one inhale from her cigarette pushed me over the edge and the dam broke. Cum exploded from cock, spewing and flowing. I cringed as a drop landed on Mrs. Watson’s blouse.

“It seems you’ve had a little accident,” she said with a smirk as she inhaled more smoke.

My penis gave another twitch before falling limp. Her finger went to the blob of cum that had landed on her blouse. She scooped it up on two fingers and carried it toward my face. Her two fingers edged inside my loosely gagged mouth and she wiped the cum between my lips. I knew it was gross, but I was still turned on as I watched her walk back to her seat and pick up her cigarettes and lighter, dropping them into her bag.

“I need to be going now,” she said. “If you want, we can let today be our little secret.” She winked and came closer. I watched as she reached behind me and untied one of the knots. “You can probably handle it from here,” she said with a wink.

I watched her leave and listened for the door to open and close before I wiggled free of my bonds. I sat there with my head in my hands, crying and terrified. Oh my God, I thought. What have I done? What will Mrs. Watson do?

I eventually picked myself up out of the chair and went back to my room where I undressed and changed back into my Michael clothes. After putting away my dress and returning all the items that I had borrowed to their rightful place, I tidied up the lounge, removing all my bondage props and emptying the ashtray that Mrs. Watson had used. I did my best to cover my tracks. An hour later I was lying face down on my bed with every worry in the world circling my brain.

I’m not sure if anyone can imagine what it’s like to be on Death Row before you are called to the execution chamber, but I reckon that I came pretty close to understanding that feeling over the next week or so. Every time I was alone or in the presence of my mother I waited for the dreaded words. I heard her voice in my head, asking me to have a word with her. I heard her asking if there was something I wanted to tell her. I waited and waited, but nothing ever came of it. I didn’t feel safe, but I began to relax somewhat. Acting edgy would just bring unwanted attention.

I started being helpful around the house. I cleaned up the garage and the closet. I mowed the lawns and even painted the fence over the next few days. Working hard helped take my mind off of Mrs. Watson and what she might do or say. I even rationalized that my mom would be more forgiving if she remembered the hard work I’d done around the house. Of course I was kidding myself. My mother’s temper is legendary.

By the time Friday came along, I had done everything that I could around the house. Mom seemed pleasant and friendly so I felt my secret was safe for the time being.

I had gotten up early that morning, and she was still home when I went to the kitchen. I know she’s my mom, but it was hard to take my eyes off her. She was dressed in a pair of tight shorts that showed off her tanned legs. She wore a tight cotton vest style top that stretched across her breasts.

I watched as she picked up her cigarettes and took one out. She sparked the gold lighter into action and inhaled as I stared on. I wondered if she had any idea how good she looked when she smoked. Not only did she look good, she looked ‘right’. Could I ever look so right with a cigarette in my hand? She glanced past her paper at me as she held the cigarette high in a feminine pose. She seemed startled by my attention and I looked away.

“What you doing today,” she asked?

“Eh, nothing. Why? Is there something you want me to do for you?”

“Nothing like that,” she said as she put out her cigarette. “I just thought you’ve been good this week helping around the house and I thought you might like a treat.”

My heart stopped. Was she going to invite me to become Tracey for the day and spend it with her?

“Here,” she said as she reached in her purse and pulled out her cigarettes.

Oh my God! Was she going to offer me a cigarette?

She shifted the cigarettes to her other hand and reached back inside her purse, this time coming up with her wallet. She removed a  £20 and handed it to me.

“Go out and enjoy your self for the afternoon. Don’t bother coming back until five, and dinner is at six.” She lit a cigarette and exhaled her smoke authoritatively.

Deflated, I took the money and thanked her.

I went to my room and changed into a pair of jeans and a lemon shirt. After getting dressed, I lounged around the house for a couple of hours before pulling on my training shoes and heading out. I passed my mother in her room as she changing into a burgundy blouse and tight black skirt. I asked her if she was going out too.

“Yeah maybe just for a little while. I could do with some fresh air,” she said as she took a drag from her cigarette and put it back in the ashtray.

I stood in the door and watched for a while as she put on her make-up. Every now and then she would take a puff from her cigarette and I wondered what it would be like to smoke like her whenever I wanted.

“Did you need something,” she asked?

“Naw. Just leaving. See you tonight.”

I took the bus to the retail park and decided to bowl for a couple of hours. I crossed to the entrance of Hollywood Bowl and went inside. I paid for three games and collected my shoes. I like bowling. It’s something you can do alone. You don’t need a group. You just go along and knock a few pins down and relax a bit. Two hours later with scores of 187, 156 and 163, I was handing in my shoes and going back out into the sunlight.

I still had a couple of hours to kill before going home so I visited a couple of stores at the retail park. I didn’t plan on buying any thing. I was just browsing. As usual, I walked through the stores trying to be inconspicuous. While pretending to look at gent’s stuff, my eyes would wander to the ladies section, checking out the latest fashions, skirts, heels etc. I spent some more time wandering around an electrical store and checking out the latest computer games for my Play Station. I promised myself I would buy a couple of new games while on holiday. I might even get them duty free, I thought to myself.

I checked my watch as I walked out of the store. I’d lost track of time and in an hour I’d be late for dinner. By the time I managed to catch a bus and get back it was a quarter past. She’ll be pissed, I thought as I walked towards the house and opened the door. The sound of mom and dad having a domestic greeted me from the kitchen. Now the one thing I’ve learned in my eighteen years is that when my parents argue its best if I stay out of their way. I retreated to my room and waited for the dust to blow over.

Half an hour later, as I sat playing Championship Manager on my Play Station, I heard footsteps on the stairs. I knew they were Dad’s. My bedroom door opened and he stepped inside.

“Hiya champ. What you up to?”

“Eh just a game of Championship Manager,” I said.

“Are you winning?”

“Eh not really.”

“Eh listen. I’ve got something to tell you,” he said as he sat down on the bed. “You know our holiday next week?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Well I can’t get out of work. I can’t go.”

“Oh? Is that why Mom is so pissed? I heard the two of your arguing when I came in.”

Dad nodded. “I hate doing this, but you know the girl that went missing a few weeks ago?”

“Sure I do. It’s been all over the news.”

“Well another one went missing late last night. The department cancelled all leaves until we get it solved. As a matter of fact, I need to be getting back to the station now.”

He looked at me like I was going to give him a bit of the same grief Mom had given to him down stairs. Sure I wanted to go, but I’d get over it.

“I hate to miss our holiday,” he said. “I was looking forward to spending some quality time with you.”

“It’s ok Dad. It’s your job.”

“Thanks,” he said. “I appreciate you knowing I have to do this. Look, I need to go. Maybe when this case is over we can grab another week away.” He got up and ruffled my hair.

“Sure Dad. That sounds good.”

“Oh, and by the way. Your mom says dinner is ready, so you better go down,” he said, as he left my room without closing the door behind him.

I stared at the door for about five minutes before getting up and joining Mom in the kitchen.

I greeted her as I walked in and took a seat at the table. She put my dinner on the table in front of me without answering. The plate clattered against the tile. She was angry, but not at me. But then again, her anger with my father had a way of filtering down to the next available male and I was it. Best to ignore it, I thought as I cut into my dinner of steak and chips.

She stood by the window, looking out across the garden, as I ate. She picked up her cigarettes and lit one, blowing out an angry cloud of smoke. She was definitely fuming from her argument with Dad. Eat and run, wait until she cools off; that was the best thing I could do.

I watched her as she smoked methodically by the window. Her drags were long and her exhales were intentional. Scientifically speaking, she was medicating her anger with nicotine. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when she immediately chained into a second cigarette after disposing of the first. It was an addiction; nonetheless, she wore it well.

I suppose you’ve heard the saying that some women look sexy when they’re angry. My mother is one of those sexy-angry women who look even sexier when they smoke. I tried to look away. This isn’t a dinner theatre, I thought as I chewed a bite of meat. If she’s angry now, she’ll be even angrier if she catches me looking at her some like fetish object. I tried, but I couldn’t look away, at least not entirely. Damn the health consequences, I thought. If I looked like her, I’d smoke and be angry 24 hours a day.

I finished my meal and hurriedly deposited the plate and utensils in the sink. I thanked her for my dinner and exited toward my room, relieved that she’d ignored my gratitude.

I considered going back and trying to talk to her. Maybe she needs me, I thought. After all, she’s not angry with me. Perhaps she needs a friend. It’s not my fault Dad has to work. I shook my head and continued the climb up the stairs to my room. Uh-uh, no. I can’t go back there. She’s mad at Dad. Dad’s a man. I’m a man, not quite, but kind of. Although I wasn’t guilty of ruining our holiday, I was guilty of more heinous crimes. I wasn’t in a position to console her, but I was in a position for her to take her anger out on me. Better Dad than me, I thought as I closed the door to my bedroom behind me.

I could hear my mother’s voice filtering up the stairs as I watched the television. Dad wasn’t home and no one was talking back to her, so I knew she was on the phone with someone, though I couldn’t make out what she was telling the other person. I was admittedly curious, but given her mood, eves dropping was out of the question, so I turned up the volume on the TV and drifted off to sleep.

*****

The icy chill that haunted the house lingered for the next couple of days. I made myself scarce by hanging out at the gym and the bowling alley. Dinners required my attendance, but they were mercifully as short as the conversations. I felt caught in the middle between my parents. Sometimes they talked to each other through me. We could be in the same room and they’d do that.

A couple of days before we were due to leave, I had been to the gym as usual to avoid going home. Normally I would have wandered around the shopping centre to waste a little time. But this day, the weather refused to cooperate. The heavens opened slammed the streets with rain. Seriously, it was bad. I think Noah would have taken notice if he were there. I might have looked upon it as an adventure of sorts if I’d been dressed for deep sea diving, but seeing how I wasn’t, I beat a quick path back home via the bus. As the bus splashed down the streets, I found myself hoping that my mom was out shopping. She insisted on having new clothes for our holiday and I don’t think it was because she thought she needed them. She just wanted to put a dent on Dad’s credit card as payback for not joining us.

After making my way to the house from the stop, I opened the front door and shook the rain from my hair like a wet dog. Mom wasn’t out shopping and we weren’t alone. Laughter poured from the kitchen, something I hadn’t heard for a while. I love the sound of my mother’s laughter and found myself hoping she had put the bad business between her and Dad behind them.

I lowered my guard and entered the kitchen where I found Mom sitting at the breakfast bar with Avril Watson. Mom was wearing her short leather skirt with a white silk blouse. The blouse was open at the front and showed a bit of cleavage. Four-inch black leather pumps adorned her feet. Mrs Watson wore a tight red ultra short mini skirt with a black lacy blouse. I could clearly see her silky black bra through it. Like my mom, she was wearing heels. Hers were red leather court shoes.

Mom looked up from her conversation and greeted me, calling me “Babes”.

I shot her a friendly nod and acknowledged Mrs. Watson with a shy smile that pleaded with her to keep our secret. A quick glance around the kitchen told me they had been drinking. I’m not a psychic, but the empty bottle of red wine and the glasses were a clue.

Mom, apparently a little tipsy from the wine, reached for cigarettes and dropped her lighter in the process. It clattered and came to rest on the counter. I watched as she picked it up and offered Mrs. Watson a cigarette from her pack. Mrs. Watson accepted the offer and gracefully removed a cigarette from Mom’s pack with her red talons and lifted it to her lips. Mom took one as well. Sparking up the lighter, she lit hers and offered Mrs Watson a light. Her hand shook ever so slightly, probably from the drink, causing Mrs. Watson to steady Mom’s hand with her own.

I inhaled along with Mrs. Watson, holding my breath as I soaked in the sight. My penis stiffened as I watched. Being shy about such things, I covered up with my gym bag and got a can of Coke from the fridge.

“Good news Babes,” slurred Mom. “Since your dad can’t come on holiday with us and it’s all been paid for in advance, I talked Avril into taking his place. Isn’t that great?”

“What?” I asked at the very same time carbonated beverage was flowing down my throat. Coke bubbled from my nose as I lurched forward, trying to catch the mess in my hands. I could swear I saw Mrs. Watson wink at me as my head went down.

“Oh dear!” said Mom. “Are you alright Babes? Do you need a towel?”

I coughed and waved her off. “I’m okay,” I croaked. “Mrs. Watson is going with us?”

“Is that a problem,” asked Mom?

“No. Of course not,” I said, rubbing at my throat. “My drink just went down the wrong way. That’s great,” I said as I looked cautiously over at Mrs. Watson, who was smiling at me, while exhaling a plume of smoke. “So when’s dinner,” I asked?

Mom shrugged as she took a long drag. “Your dad is supposed to be home around seven, so I suppose we’ll eat in a couple hours.”

“In that case, I think I’ll take a shower,” I said as I backed out of the kitchen.

They continued their chat as I walked up stairs. I was too involved with my own thoughts to listen in on theirs. I shut the door behind me and fell face first into my bed. Great! Ten days with Mom and Avril Watson, the only two people who had seen me as Tracey. I was doomed. If they hadn’t already shared their stories about me, they’d do it on the ship. When those two women drink, their lips get loose. And loose lips sink ships. The irony of the phrase wasn’t lost on me. Why me? I thought as I turned into my pillow and cried.

Yesterday’s rain crept into the morning. I’m not made of chocolate, so I won’t melt, but I’m not a fan of running in the rain. Mom seemed pleasant enough, so I joined her for lunch in the kitchen. She made us toasted sandwiches and fresh brewed coffee. She told me she was going out to do some more clothes shopping for our holiday, as if she hadn’t already bought out all the stores in town.

The introduction of Mrs. Watson to our holiday had given me second thoughts about going on the cruise. Better to speak up now than when I’m stuck on the boat.

“Mom?”

She lit a cigarette and smiled. “Yes dear.”

“About our holiday…”

“Oh yes,” said my mother enthusiastically. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

“I guess so- maybe. But I was thinking that it might be better if I stayed home with Dad, and you and Mrs. Watson went by your selves. You know, that way you could do your girly things together and I’d be out of your way.”

Mom took a draw on her cigarette, put it down on the ashtray, and blew her smoke high in the air. “You have to be kidding buster. You think I’d go away and leave you here to plunder through my wardrobe while I’m gone?”

Her words and the intensity of her tone stung and made me blush. “But Mom, I promised you I wouldn’t do it again.”

“I know you did, but I’m not putting temptation in your way,” she said harshly. “You’re going on the cruise with me and Avril and that’s final. OK?”

“Ehh Ok” I said meekly.

“Good. Now that that’s settled, I have some shopping to do. See if you can behave yourself for the rest of the day,” she said as she picked up her cigarette and walked out of the kitchen.

I sighed and shook my head in defeat. Like it or not, I was going on that cruise. All I could do was hope that Mrs. Watson would keep her word about not giving up my secret.

I spent the next couple of days concentrating on ways to minimise the damage this holiday could cause. I was fairly sure that Mrs Watson would not tell my mother about wanking me off, but she sure as hell could firmly nail my arse to the mast is she talked about my little bondage encounter. Even if I brought up the subject of her hand job, I doubted it would cause much of a distraction. It would be her word against mine and I had my track record going against me. I reasoned that the best thing I could do was to spend as little time with them as possible. I’d just make myself scarce.

I poured through the brochure that we had booked the holiday from. It was a large ship with plenty of places to stay out of the way. There were 3 different pools, a casino, a movie theatre, two nightclubs, an English and Irish style pub, a few shops, two main restaurants and a breakfast room. There were saunas and a beauty parlour, several sports were catered to on deck from volleyball to other sports I’d never heard of or played. I could take golf lessons. There would be evening entertainment with bands, singers, comedians, etc. All in all, given that we’d only be on board for ten days, I figured I’d be able to keep a safe a distance from them for most of the time.

I considered the itinerary for our trip. Dad had hired a car for mom to drive us to Southampton, which from Western Scotland was at least an eight-hour drive. We’d board the ship at 10:00pm on Sunday. We’d be at sea for a day before docking for our first port of call. There’d be other stops on Thursday and Friday. The ship was scheduled to spend a full weekend docked in Barcelona. We’d leave on Monday and arrive in Lisbon on Tuesday, where we’d spend the day. The ship had another six days before returning to Southampton, but we hadn’t booked for that long. We’d fly back home from the airport in Lisbon. The more I read, the more convinced I was that I could pull it off while withstanding minimum damage. Barcelona alone would keep the two of them busy with shopping while I lazed around the boat. What the heck, I thought. I’ll come home sporting a nice tan.

Saturday morning found me up early, dressed and ready to help with the arrangements. After breakfast, I went back up stairs to pack some clothes for the trip. I had just pulled a tee from my drawer when Mom knocked and entered. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was getting packed.

“Well just leave it on the floor,” she said. That stuff needs to be ironed.”

“But it’s clean and fresh” I said, showing her the pile of tee-shirts I had in my hands.

“Yes I know, but they still need ironing. Some of those have been in your drawer for weeks. Take this,” she said as she held out her hand. “Just go do something and try to stay out of my way for the rest of the day. I appreciate your wanting to help but it just makes my job harder.”

Now as I said, my mom has a temper and my recent indiscretion was not worth pushing it so I laid my clothes in a pile and took the money. She reminded me to be back for dinner and added that we were leaving early the next day at eight. I thought about telling her that if I made it home for dinner tonight, I wouldn’t have any trouble being here when we left the next day, but it wasn’t worth it. I’ve learned from experience that you don’t correct or question a teacher.

Mom had given me 30 pounds, more than enough to keep me out of her way for the day. I caught a bus into town and spent the next hour or so wandering around, before walking into the bowling alley. I spent the rest of the day seeing a movie and playing in the arcade. With time to spare and my money dwindling, I opted to forgo the bus and walk home instead. I figured I could use the time walking to consider more face saving ideas about staying out of the women’s way while we were on the ship. By the time I got home I was beat. After dinner I went straight to my room and fell asleep with the TV on.

*****

“Michael. Are you still sleeping?”

“Huh? What time is it?” I asked as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

“It’s after seven,” said my mother impatiently. “Get out of bed and get a move on or you’ll make us all late,” she said as she crossed my room and yanked some underwear and socks from my drawer and threw them at me.

She opened the wardrobe and removed a plain white shirt, hanging it on the door as she closed it. “Get a shower and shave and then wear these and get a move on. Avril will be here in about ten minutes, she said as she left the room.

I scooted out of bed, grabbed my things and made my way the bathroom. Ten minutes later, I was showered and shaved, back in my room, drying my hair that was now getting a bit too long. As much as I hated the idea of cutting it, I knew it would be in my best interest to get a trim once we got settled on the ship.

I dressed in the clothes mom had laid out for me. As I looked around the room, I didn’t see my suitcases. I figured mom must have packed them already. I was mildly annoyed because I’d planned on sticking in some last minute items. What the hell, I thought as I pulled the gym bag from my closet. I’ll just use this.

I grabbed my portable CD player, chose some CD’s and grabbed four books from my bookcase to keep me occupied onboard and on the trip down. I was about to drop them in the bag when I saw the half pack of Berkley’s I’d hidden inside. My penis stiffened as I stared at them.

I began to think of the gym bag as a purse of sorts. Fantasies of smoking with mom and Mrs. Watson flew through my head. Just sharing a smoke with the other ladies, I thought as I rubbed my stiff cock through my shorts.

I thought of the time and pushed the thought from my mind. The last thing I needed this morning was a hard-on and no time to take care of it. I put my things in the bag, being careful not to crush the pack, as I thought it might be nice to steal away for a smoke or two while we were on the ship. After pulling on my trainers, I closed the bag and left my room.

When I got down stairs, I found that Mrs. Watson had already arrived. I said good morning to her and looked for the coffee.

“Good morning to you too Michael,” she said. “I was thinking that since we’ll be spending the next ten days on holiday together, it might be more comfortable if you called me by my first name, so from now on it’s Avril ok” she said as she picked up her cigarettes, removing one from the pack.

She purposely paused before lighting it, taking the time to smile seductively as she held the cigarette between her lips. Fuck the bitch, I thought. She’s teasing me already and we’re not even in the car!

She exhaled stunningly and asked if I would mind taking the cases to the car while she made me some toast.

“No problem,” I said as I took my sports-bag with me and left the kitchen. Dad was in the living room reading the morning paper as I walked in. We wished each other a good morning and he asked if I was looking forward to my holiday.

“Yeah, but I wish you were coming with us.”

“Yeah so do I, but you’ll have fun.”

“How’s the case,” I asked?

“Can’t say much, but we got a good lead last night. Hopefully it will turn into something.”

I told him that would be good as I slung the sports-bag over my shoulder and picked up two of the cases.

“Let me help you with those,” he said as he got out of his chair. I waited as he positioned two cases under his armpits and picked up two more in each of his hands.

“Jesus! Why do women pack so much?” he asked, groaning under the weight of the four cases. “It’s not as if they’ll wear it all,” he complained as we stepped outside the house.

I agreed with him as we walked down the path to the drive. I set down my load and opened the car so he could pack his inside. After packing mine, I slung my sports-bag in the back seat and we headed back to the house.

In the kitchen, Mom had coffee and toast ready as Dad followed me inside.

“Look,” said Dad. “I need to go to work, but you all enjoy your selves,” he said as he hugged me and walked over to mom.

The atmosphere was still a bit tense between them as he kissed her on the lips, not a deep kiss but just enough before he backed away.

“Now remember, enjoy your selves and I’ll call you later,” he said towards Mom.

“Yeah ok, you take care, and I hope today goes well,” she said.

He nodded and kissed her on the cheek again before heading out the door. Ten minutes later, with my toast and coffee finished, the three of us climbed into the car and started our trip to Southampton.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We had been in the car for five minutes or so when Avril asked my mom it was okay for them to smoke in the car. Mom said it was and asked Avril to light one for her as well. I watched from the back seat as Avril removed two slender brown cigarettes from her pack of Mores and lit them both one at a time, handing the first to my mother.

My penis twitched under my pants as the front seat filled with the smoke from their exhales. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen my mother smoke a More, but it was exciting nonetheless. I fought the urge to wank off as I watched the two of them smoking. What the fuck, I thought. I’m going to do myself an injury if they keep this up for the next ten days. Keep what up? They’re women. They’re smokers. Are they doing this to me or am I doing it to myself? Avril spoke up as I was mentally debating my penis about the fetish that consumed me.

“Are you ok back there,” asked Avril?

“Eh,eh, yeah fine,” I stammered as I snapped out of my trance. I could swear the bitch winked at me as she took a draw from her cigarette and rolled down the window to let the smoke out.

I opened my sports bag and looked inside. The pack of Berkleys mocked me so I did my best to ignore them.

“I’m just going to listen to some music,” I said as I removed the CD player from my bag and plugged the phones into my ears.

“Ok dear,” said mom as she exhaled a cloud of smoke and rolled down her window and went back to concentrating on both her driving and a conversation about nothing with Avril.

I closed my eyes and flipped the on switch on the player. The familiar sound of Meat Loaf permeated my eardrums. At least with my eyes closed, I wouldn’t have to watch them smoking and my cock could get could get a rest.

Four hours and three CDs later, I was looking out the window, admiring the passing landscape, when mom slowed the car and took an exit ramp. I could see the fuel gauge on the dashboard and knew we weren’t seriously low. Either mom was hungry or she needed a pee break. She took a right at the stop sign and pulled into a Little Chef diner. Petrol and food, I thought. She’s killing three birds with one stone.

An array of large transport Lorries was parked in the lot as we slowed to a stop. Mom and Avril unbuckled themselves in a hurry and were out of the car while I took my time putting the CD player back in my bag. The pack of Berkleys beckoned to me. I hesitantly reached for them. Could I? Yeah, why not? I covered the pack and lighter with my hand and removed them ever so slyly. I pushed the lighter into my pocket and covered the pack with the front tail of my shirt and hand.

Once out of the car and on my feet, I pulled at my waistband, allowing the pack to fall down and nestle in front of my groin. Not particularly hygienic I thought, but safer than having them protrude from my pocket. I lifted and my arms and stretched before following Mom and Avril into the diner.

Avril pointed to an empty table. We took it and picked up the menus. She beat Mom to the punch by announcing that lunch was on her. She asked me what I wanted.

“Eh can I have a cheese and ham toastie,” I asked?

“What’s wrong dear,” asked Avril? “Are you looking after your figure?” she asked with a taunting smile.

I tried to appear unfazed. I didn’t need mom picking up on her hints.

“You know,” said my mother, as she laid down her menu. “We won’t board the ship until after ten, so you might want to eat a little more.”

“Okay then, I’ll have two toasties and a Coke.” I said raising my voice slightly, a mistake, as I caught mom flashing a glare at me, you know the kind that says behave or else.

Avril nodded and listened to what my mom had to say before getting up from the booth and placing and paying for our orders at the counter. Several minutes later, she returned with our orders on one tray.

Having only ordered two toasties and the small amount of veg that accompanied them, I was finished much sooner than the others. I drained the last of my Coke and got up, saying I needed to visit the bathroom and stretch my legs.

“Don’t get lost,” said Mom pointing her knife at me as I stood. “Once were finished here, I just need to get some petrol then we are back on the road.”

I nodded and slipped out of the restaurant into the hot sunny daylight. Glancing around, I noticed a couple large shade trees beside the diner. I hurried over to them while slipping the pack of Berkleys from my shorts.

Taking one from the pack, I lit it up and exhaled the cool menthol flavour into the air. The fact that I needed to smoke a bit more recently as Michael disturbed me a bit, but I tried to rationalize it as being due to the stress that had built up over the trip. After all, I was on holiday with the only two people who had ever seen me as Tracey, one of whom seemed determined to not let me forget it. That’s a pretty good excuse to need to smoke, I thought as I took a hurried puff.

I watched as Mom and Avril emerged from the diner. I could see them but they couldn’t see me. At least I hoped they couldn’t see me. I watched as they both lit up. How I wished I was over there with them. The ban on smoking inside had changed the way smokers operated. They took on the role of lepers, heading for the safety of the outdoors while the others stayed behind inside.

Instead of grumbling about it like my mom, I chose to look on the brighter side. While walking around town at night, the ban afforded me a lot of sights that I might otherwise have missed.

Before the ban, I would have had to walk inside a pub and buy a drink just to get a glimpse of a nice young girl sexily feeding her addiction. Now they were outside in plain view, saving me my money and the pain that followed from having too much to drink. I liked a drink or two, but my tolerance for alcohol was low.

I looked over at Mom and Avril as they smoked, wishing once more I could be with them, dressed as Tracey, standing there as a burly trucker walked by, checking out our legs. Perhaps a man or two would try to offend us with a wolf whistle as we walked back to our car as our heels clicked against the tarmac. Now where did all that come from, I thought? Sometimes I worry about my brain, but then again, maybe it’s just telling me something I already knew about who I already am.

Dropping my cigarette, I crushed it out with my shoe while using one of the passing trucks as cover. I scampered across the parking lot to the toilet and attended to the business of emptying my bladder and hiding the cigarettes in my shorts. I emerged from the bathroom as Mom and Avril were crushing out their cigarettes in a sand bucket. I couldn’t help but notice the differing shades of lipstick on the discarded cigarette ends as I walked by.

“Time we were on the road again,” said mom as we made our way back to the car.

The remainder of our journey passed quietly. We made it to Southhampton just before nine o’clock. Avril spotted the sign for the seaport. It wasn’t long after that when the water made its appearance. We drove parallel to the docks, looking at the freighters and the cranes. And then we saw some ships that looked like floating Christmas trees. Almost here, I thought.

Getting on a ship isn’t as simple as parking the car and running up the ramp. But with a little effort and a lot of confusion, we eventually found ourselves at the ticket window with our luggage. I was standing next to Avril while mom dickered with a woman behind some glass over our boarding passes.

“This is it,” said Avril. “Just you and us now,” she said in a slightly mocking tone as she lit a cigarette.

“Yeah, looking forward to it,” I said, trying to sound brave in the light of my situation. Soon afterwards, I was wheeling the trolley with our luggage along a gangway, heading for check in.

We made our way through the lines and check-in points, emerging into something that can only be described as something like a terminal. We scanned the posted signs, looking for clues as to where our rooms would be found. I saw the sign for cabins 100 — 140 and pointed it out.

After making our way down a flight of ramps, we found ourselves in a hall of cabins. I followed them down the hall with the trolley until Mom and Avril stopped in front of room 133.

“Here we are,” Mom said. “Ok Michael. You’ll be in this room. Avril and I will be across from you in 134. Sorry, but we get the sea view.”

“Fine by me,” I said as I surveyed the two doors standing directly across from one another.

Mom opened the door to her room and I followed them inside with the trolley. They picked out their luggage leaving me with the remaining cases, which were mine by process of elimination.

“Here’s your key,” said Mom as she handed it to me. “Avril and I are going out for a drink. Care to tag along?”

“Thanks for asking, but no. I think I’ll just call it a night so I’ll be fresh for the morning,” I said, putting Operation Hidealot into first gear. I said goodnight to them and went across the hall to my room, letting myself in with my cases, leaving the trolley in the hallway.

“Suit yourself,” said Mom, “but if you change your mind, we’ll be in the LookOut Bar,” she said as she closed the door behind her.

I stowed my cases in the small closet, deciding to wait until morning to unpack. I took a look around the cabin. It was small and rather claustrophobic. I began to think of it as my prison. All the more reason to find some places on deck and on shore to hide out, I thought as I flicked on the satellite TV and sat down on the cot.

As luck would have it, I was in time to see the evening news. I wondered if they’d report on the happenings with my Dad’s case. Probably not, since we were 400 miles away, and the events from our little Scottish town would hardly be newsworthy this far south of the border. But I was wrong.

Surprisingly there was something, even though it was just a short snip. The reporter said something about the police making a breakthrough in the case of two missing women. Good, I thought, hoping they’d turn up safe.

The unmistakeable sound of a door opening and my mother’s and Avril’s voices in the hall encroached. They were on their way to LookOut bar, and if I gave them a ten or fifteen minute head start, I could sneak up on a deck and have a ciggie.

Paranoia set in and I gave it an additional ten more minutes in front of the TV before removing my cigarettes from the gym bag and locking the door behind me. I didn’t actually lock it because the door locks it self, but I did give it a push and a shove just to make sure.

I followed the posted signs on the wall until I found myself standing on the deck facing the sea. The LookOut bar was upstairs from where I was. I could just make out my Mom and Avril sitting at a table with their glasses in front of them. I sneaked round the corner and walked past the pool. It was quiet and deserted. I passed by a few excited passengers lucky enough to have cabins with deck entrances. I imagined they paid a pretty penny for the privilege.

I walked to the barrier rail and looked overboard into the still black water as I reached for my ciggies and lit one. I sadly noticed that there were only four left in the pack. I hated the thought of having to go through the hassle of buying more, but the alternative would be even more painful. I decided to put off the deed until morning, choosing to enjoy the remainder of my cigarette with as little negative thinking as possible. Starting tomorrow, I’d have the rest of the voyage to hone my laying low skills.

Back in the cabin, I striped down and climbed under the covers. All in all, the day had gone better than I had anticipated. Maybe tomorrow would go just as well. I closed my eyes and tried not to think of Avril and her twisted tongue. It worked. Sleep soon overtook me. My dreams were peaceful.

She removed a strip from a box and smoothed it against my leg. So this is waxing? I prepared myself for the pain that was sure to follow. I might as well have prepared myself for two tigers to rip me apart. I can’t describe the pain that shot through me as she pulled the strip from my leg. I winced. My eyes watered, but I refused to scream like a girl. Like a girl? Who am I trying to kid? How many men do this?

Being Me - Part 2
The Cruise — Voyage of Discovery
by
Karin Roberts

 

---

Cruise Diary — Day 1

I woke up early to the sound of a low hum, most probably the ship’s engines. I stayed in bed for the first ten minutes of my morning watching the TV and looking for news about my dad’s case. Finding nothing of interest, I got out of bed and took a shower.

The warm water felt nice as I lathered up with the complimentary shampoo. As my hands worked their way across my body, I thought about shaving. The stubble on my knees and under my arms was a little annoying. What was worse, I wondered? Having Avril make fun of my stubbly legs or my smooth legs? Which would draw less attention? I decided against it. After all, it was not as if Tracey was going to put in an appearance soon, was it?

I pulled the cases out of the closet and lugged them over to the bed. Might as well unpack and get dressed. I unlocked the first case and flicked the catch. The lid opened and I looked inside for one of the t-shirts mom had ironed for me.

What the hell? This isn’t right! I thought as I looked inside the case. Oh great! I would have ignored it if I could. No sense in giving Avril more ammunition. She was probably the one who gave me the wrong case on purpose. Or maybe it was an accident? The thought of Avril trying to look sexy in my wardrobe of gym shorts and tee-shirts brought a smile to my face. I reasoned that my misfortune was hers as well. Best to get it straightened out now. No sense in being paranoid. I threw on yesterday’s clothes, took my key and ventured out into the hall.

“Mom! You awake, and decent?” I called as I knocked on the door.

Mom opened the door and I stepped inside.

“Good morning,” she said cheerfully.

“Good morning to you too.” I looked over at Avril who was sitting in the corner chair with a newspaper. “Morning Avril.”

She put the paper down in her lap and asked me if I had slept well. I told her I had and I asked if she’d had a chance to unpack yet.

Avril smiled, her dressing gown flapping open a bit giving me a view of her generous cleavage. I stared, then came to my senses. I was in enough trouble as it was. My head snapped back round to look at Mom.

Noticing the tenseness in my voice, mom asked me if anything was wrong.

Damn right! Something is wrong! I thought as I saw Avril’s clothes hanging beside my mother’s in the closet. Maybe she hasn’t unpacked her other cases? Maybe I should have looked inside my second case before putting on my old clothes?

“It’s my luggage.” I said. “I think my cases got messed up with Avril’s. At least I hope they got messed up.” I laughed nervously.

Avril shot me a confused look that said she had no idea of what I was ranting on.

“What do you mean?” asked my mother. “Is something wrong with your luggage? I packed it myself.”

“Well yeah, something’s wrong. Come and see.” I took her hand and dragged her out into the hall towards my cabin.

I opened the door and led her inside, pointing at the open case.

“See?” I exclaimed, pointing at the suitcase with an accusing finger. “Our suitcases must have gotten mixed up!”

“No,” my mother calmly stated as she examined the tag on the case. “This one has your name on it. I’ve got my cases. Avril has hers and these are yours.”

“But Mom! Can’t you see? There are girls clothes in here!”

“That’s right.”

“Very funny,” I fumed.

“These are your clothes honey,” said Mom. “I picked them out for you myself. What did you think I was doing all those days when I was out? Did you really think I was shopping for myself?”

“Please Mom! This isn’t funny anymore. Can I have my real clothes back now?”

“It’s not supposed to be funny darling,” said my mom calmly. “It’s supposed to be fun! Didn’t you tell me you wanted to spend some time with me as Tracey?”

I hung my head without answering her.

“Well, this is your chance,” she said gleefully.

My throat seized and my heart palpitated. “But Mom… I can’t do this today. Just let me have my own clothes back and I’ll think about doing it tomorrow or something. Okay?”

Of course I had no intention of dressing as Tracey in front of my mom or Avril tomorrow or any other day. But at this moment, making idle promises seemed like the best way to get my old clothes back.

“Oh sweetie,” said Mom. “You’re probably right. I should have packed some of your old clothes too, but I didn’t. I guess I wasn’t thinking. This is all I brought for you, so you might as well get dressed and make the best of it.”

“What about Avril” I asked.

“What about her?”

“Don’t you think she might think it a bit strange to see me dressed up as a girl?” I took a deep breath and exhaled, hoping she’d see the light.

Mom laughed as if I’d said something ludicrous. “Honey, those aren’t girl’s clothes. Those are women’s clothes, the same kind that Avril and I wear. And no, Avril won’t think it’s strange. I think she’s going to enjoy having a third woman on our cruise.” She batted at my arm playfully. “Two women and a little boy are a chore, but three women? Now that’s a party!”

It dawned on me that my mother wasn’t going to listen to logic. I wiped the tears from my eyes and begged her for mercy.

“I’m sorry Michael, but it’s not as if you have a choice. It’s this or nothing and I can promise you right now that it’s not going to be nothing. This is it for the next ten days. I’ll give you fifteen minutes to think about it and then I’ll come back over.”

I stood and watched her leave, closing the door behind her. I sat down on the bed and held my head between my hands. Everything on me was throbbing: my head, my pulse, even my cock. Oh shit! I thought. Not now. I wasn’t turned on. I was scared out of my mind. Of course there was a way out of this. I just didn’t know what it was, but there’s always a way out. Isn’t there? No. Not really. It wasn’t like I had enough money to buy my own clothes.

I pulled the other case towards me, but I already knew that it probably contained more of the same. I flipped the catch and held my breath as I eased it up and looked inside. Blood rushed to my head I began to feel faint. There, in all its glory, lay the beautiful red dress I had bought from Barnardos. Yeah, that’s right! The one and only magnificent red dress, the one that was supposed to be safely stashed in a box inside a cupboard in my room many miles from where I sat now. I leaned into my hands and cried for myself.

I was sunk- torpedoed below the waterline with no chance of escape. Surely all my little secrets had been shared now. I half thought about leaving the room at that point and finding the nearest lifeboat. Why yes! I’d throw it over the side and row back to the mainland! I’m not joking! I gave it a thought and might have tried it if I knew what direction to row. It’s not like I’m a sailor. I’m not a rower either. My arms are like spindles. I uncovered my face and looked back inside the case.

Well, would you look at that! Who would have thought? More female garments awaited me under the dress. How bad will it get? She packed me a swimsuit. At least it’s not a bikini, I thought as I looked at the shoes and cosmetics. What’s this? Two sealed boxes wrapped in brown paper stared up at me. Written on each tag was the greeting, “To Tracey, love Mom.”

This isn’t my fault. It’s not as if I have a choice. It was then that I realized I was powerless over the situation at hand. Ironically, I found solace and strength in the idea of being powerless. What else can I do, I thought, as I looked at the clothes in the case?

I took a deep breath and held it in. How much time had gone by? Surely, the time of my judgment was close at hand. I spent the next several minutes convincing myself that there was nothing I could do to make the situation go away. I could still hide from Mom and Avril, but I’d have to hide in these clothes, as a woman. Or…I wouldn’t hide. I’d wear the clothes and keep my pride. A stiff upper lip, I thought. A stiff upper lip covered with lipstick. Oh shit!

The door rattled under the pressure of small knuckles.

“Tracey. It’s me, your mother. Can I come in?”

The door opened and she stepped inside.

“Well what’s it to be?”

“Is that really a question?” I asked.

“Beg your pardon?”

“A question. You asked me what’s its going to be. You made it sound as if I have a choice. Well do I?”

“That depends,” said Mom. “If you’re talking about whether or not you have a choice in regard to the clothes you’ll wear on this trip, then the answer is no. You don’t have a choice. The only choice you have is to decide on whether or not you’ll have a good time.”

I searched her expression for a faint chink of compassion. Come on Mom! Say it! Say it’s a joke. Tell me that Avril put you up to it. Tell me this is a joke and the joke is on me. We’ll have a good laugh and then you can give me back my real clothes. Why isn’t she smiling?

Mom shrugged. “Are you still debating on whether or not to have a good time?”

“I suppose I’ll have to wear the clothes as you’ve left me no other choice. But it doesn’t mean I’ll have a good time doing it,” I said as I cast my eyes toward the two open cases. I stood there quietly; looking at the red dress but not daring to ask how it had found its way into my case.

Having won the first battle, Mom placed her hands on her hips and grinned. “Good choice. Oh, by the way, you will have a good time! Now if we hurry and I help you get dressed, we can make your salon appointment.”

Salon appointment? My mouth opened wide! I hadn’t thought the day could get much worse but it suddenly had!

Less than sixty minutes later, I stood in front of my mirror dressed as Tracey. Understandably, some of you might remember the two mysterious brown paper packages. They’re still a mystery, but I can tell you about them. How in the hell someone made those things look so real is beyond me! The first package contained a realistic set of silicone breast forms. I know what you’re thinking, but seeing is believing! The goddamn things are covered with pores, just like real skin. We’re talking nipples and areoles too! The bloody things freaked me out when Mom glued them to me. And the other package, what was in it? I damn near screamed when I opened it! Can you say vagina? Not that I’ve seen many fake vaginas before, for that matter I’ve not seen many real ones either, but this thing has a tube for my penis. I can sit down and piss like a woman with it on. Who the hell knows what else it can do?

I asked where they had come from and Mom explained that she had done a little research on my PC using the sites I often visited in addition to a couple new ones she had found on her own. Mothers are so resourceful, I thought as I came to terms with the idea of all my dirty little secrets being uncovered. She didn’t refer to the sites by name, but I had a good idea of the ones she had seen. Let’s see… there’s Transvestite Damsels in Ropes. I’m sure she had to come across Gagged TVs. In case you’re wondering, it’s not a website about censored television. I sighed and blushed as I thought of Mom browsing through Smoking T-Girls and Smoking Blow Jobs dot com. Highly embarrassing! I thought to myself as I checked my backside in the mirror.

In the past, I’d taken great pride in my ability to make the most of my inner girl. However, Mom’s coaching had taken me to a new level. I’d never used hair straighteners before, but Mom had. I was in awe. Her philosophy concerning make-up is that less is more. She’s right. The secret to looking good is in the application rather than the amount used.

I was dressed in a tight little pair of white shorts that clung to my bum and showed off my newly created female V at the front. A wide white belt, angled across my hips, accentuated my curves. The shorts could have gone well with any top, but I thought they looked especially smart with shiny silver top that Mom chose for me. Not that I’m into name brands or anything, but it was made by Elle and identified with gold lettering for the fashion illiterate. It hung in place with spaghetti straps. The fabric was such that it gave, allowing for a hint of my nipples. That’s how real the breast forms looked. Anything less would have looked like rubber baby buggy bumpers.

My legs, though quite shapely, were a little pale, but Mom said a day in the sun would take care of it. My feet were adorned in shiny silver sandals that matched my top. Mom handed me a white narrow shoulder bag. She seemed pleased by the look she had created.

She opened the cabin door and held it for me. I took a deep breath and stepped into the hall. Mom closed my door behind us and opened the door to her room and ushered me inside.

Avril and I saw each other at the same time. She was sitting on the bed, dressed in pink shorts with a white top. Her generous cleavage rolled as she looked up.

“My, my, what do we have here?” she winked at me.

Bitch! I thought with a sniff. She’d seen me dressed before, not that I was about to declare it, but then again, did I honestly think she’d kept our secret to herself? Who the hell cares now anyway?

“I’m impressed Anne,” said Avril. “You’ve done a spectacular job! No one would ever guess! I can’t wait to see what the girls at the salon do for him!” She covered her mouth in mock shame. “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant ‘her’.”

I could grow to hate this woman. I thought as I stood in the room like some sort of shop mannequin.

“Okay ladies, we better scoot.” Mom mentioned as she picked up her bag.

We stepped out into the hall and Mom locked the door behind us. The two of them started toward the stairs and I fell in behind them, my heart pumping wildly. A door opened off to my left, causing me to jump out of my skin! It was an elderly couple exiting their room.

The older couple wished us a good morning. Mom and Avril returned the sentiment. I mumbled something similar, being most careful not to make eye contact.

We walked up the stairs and emerged onto the sunlit deck. People were everywhere. It wasn’t as if we were shoulder to shoulder but it was still too many people for my liking. I gasped for breath as I followed behind Mom and Avril. Was I hyperventilating? I hoped so! On second thought… passing out on deck wasn’t a good idea. That would just draw more unwanted attention. I mean picture the scene I keel over the ship’s doctor is summoned, “It’s ok she’s just fainted” he loosens my clothing “Eh well no it would appear he’s just fainted” Anyone old enough remember the Elizabeth Taylor film “National Velvet,” well this would be just the same only in reverse and it would be happening to me on my first day on this damn boat! Get a grip! I thought.

We walked and we walked past the people. How many kilometers? How many hours? Or had it been years? I’m dying of old age! I thought as I kept pace. Get me out of here.

To keep from looking directly at the people, I focused on a newsagent’s stand. As we got closer, I could make out the titles of the magazines. I saw post cards and cute little gifts. Mom and Avril stopped walking and I threw on the breaks. We’re here! I thought as Mom opened the door. I followed them inside.

Two girls looked up as we entered. They greeted us in unison. They called us ladies and wished us good morning. Oh yes, thank you! It is a good morning! I’m dressed as a woman. Let me out of here! The girls at the desk asked if they could help us.

Mom smiled. The girls smiled back at her. I fought the urge to vomit.

“I’m Anne McWilliams and this is my daughter Tracey,” she said as she placed a hand on my shoulder. “And this is my friend Avril. I phoned ahead a couple of days ago and booked us for this morning.”

My mother’s words sunk in. Days ago? I thought. She made me an appointment days ago? I’d been set up - big time! I watched one of the girls as she leafed through the appointment book.

“Oh yes, Mrs. McWilliams, I remember.” she grinned as she walked around the counter to meet us.

“If you’ll just give me your bags,” she said as she held out her hand.

Mom handed the girl her bag and I did the same with my shaking hand. The other girl joined us.

The second girl explained that Avril should take a seat and they’d work on Mom and me first. She showed us to two chairs and had us sit down

“I’m Carla,” she said as she looked down on me. “I’ll be carrying out your treatments today.”

Treatments? What is she going to do? Treat me for mental illness?

“Ok,” I mumbled.

She pulled an apron over my top and tied it around my neck. She told me to relax. “Make yourself comfortable, because we’re going to be a while,” she said.

“Well if it’s too much, I come back when you’re not busy?” I offered.

Carla answered me with a laugh. I suppose she thought I was joking.

Carla released my ponytail from the scrunchy and fluffed out my hair. She asked me to lean back and then she began to wash my hair with a hot soapy substance sprayed from a nozzle attached to silver taps. Once she finished washing my hair, I sat up straight. As she fumbled around behind me, I heard her unscrew a lid off of something. I watched in the mirror as she poured some grungy looking liquid into her hands. She put the bottle on the counter and returned her hands to my head. She worked her fingers and the mixture into my scalp. It didn’t smell very nice but I did enjoy the massage.

“We’ll just let that work wonders for a few minutes,” she said as she led me from the chair to a table.

She told me to climb up on top of it and I followed her orders like a sheepdog.

I began to wonder if I was in a hair salon or a surgeon’s operating room as she flipped a switch on an implement and scooped some gooey stuff from a jar and placed it in a bowl. She placed the bowl onto something that could only be a heater.

She picked up a box from the cabinet beside us. “This might hurt a bit,” she said.

I grunted, having no reason to doubt her. I had a fair idea about what was going to happen, but protesting would have been useless. I’ll just take it like a man. I thought, as she painted some liquid on my leg. Like a man? What a joke!

She removed a strip from a box and smoothed it against my leg. So this is waxing? I prepared myself for the pain that was sure to follow. I might as well have prepared myself for two tigers to rip me apart. I can’t describe the pain that shot through me as she pulled the strip from my leg. I winced. My eyes watered, but I refused to scream like a girl. Like a girl? Who am I trying to kid? How many men do this?

Several strips and tears later, she rolled me over onto my stomach. Not my back! Please don’t do my back, I pleaded telepathically. Tears dripped down my nose as Carla pulled the strips from my back.

I looked sideways over at Mom. It appeared as if she was getting the same type of torture, but not quite. The girl working on Mom seemed to be working between her legs. There was a towel covering my mother’s lap. Is she really getting her groin waxed? Oh My God! She is!

Mom turned her head and winced as the girl removed a strip. She’s really doing it I thought as I felt a stirring in my groin area. For God’s sake, not now, not here, I thought.

“Ow!” I yelled.

“Oh sorry,” said Carla.

The pressure in my penis was chased away by the pain. My next bout of torture had begun.

Soon, but not soon enough for me, I stood up. Surprisingly, my legs supported my weight. Apparently leg muscles aren’t attached to leg hairs. Carla led me across the floor and sat me down again. She put some cream on her hands and began rubbing it into my legs. Its cold I thought. It feels good. The stinging began to fade.

Carla resumed working on my hair- the hair on my head. She then unwrapped the towel from around my head. I felt her fingers working out the tangles as she rinsed it. After a towel drying and another tangle check, she took out a pair of scissors and started cutting. Okay, I need a haircut I thought, but what kind? I’m going to have to live with it for a while. Surely it won’t be too extreme. After all, Mom knows I have to go home after this. She knew the difference between having a little fun with me and ruining my life. I took comfort in that thought and relaxed in the chair while Carla did her thing.

Carla worked quickly. Even though I didn’t have the benefit of a mirror, I knew she couldn’t have done serious damage in the little time she took at cutting. She laid the scissors down and led me to a chair with a dryer positioned over it. Once I was seated under it, she turned it on and I felt warm air circulating around my head.

I looked at her as she spoke. What was she saying? I couldn’t hear her. The dryer was too loud. She pulled up a chair and sat down beside me. She reached for my lap and picked up one of my hands. Okay, she’s filing my nails. This won’t be so bad. It’s not like I don’t need it.

As she was doing my cuticles, I saw her lips move. Although I couldn’t hear well, I still caught a few words. I think she said something about French and tips. Tips? Seeing as how I hadn’t brought any money, I figured Mom would be taking care of the tip. Not knowing how else to reply, I nodded my head.

I was in some sort of dream world by then I just nodded and let her get on with it, I mean it’s not as if I had any say about it, the menu had been set by Mom so let’s just get it over with I thought. She began to work on the nails again more stuff being taken from a little trolley by her side. I closed my eyes might as well relax I thought.

There is something very relaxing about having a woman work on your hands. I don’t think I went to sleep but I did kind of doze off. Maybe that’s the same thing. Regardless, when I came too, Carla had removed the hair dryer. I could hear people talking again. My eyes were a bit out of focus as I looked down at my hands.

“Eh what?” I asked as my eyes adjusting to the sight. Yeah those are my fingers I thought as I flexed them. They’re attached to my hands. So pretty, but…not on me!

Carla spoke. This time I heard her. “French tips,” she said. “They look beautiful on you.”

“Yes,” I said. Fuck! This is getting way too permanent! I looked around the salon for Mom and Avril. I didn’t see them. Where are they? This isn’t funny! I’m not laughing. I was sure my mother didn’t mean for this to happen.

Carla’s breasts dangled in front of my eyes as she pushed the hair away from my ears. She doused a cotton ball with alcohol and wiped it against my lobes. Maybe it wasn’t alcohol. It felt cold, almost numbing. Surely she wasn’t about to do what I thought she was about to do.

I winced as I felt a sharp stab in my right lobe.

“Ouch!”

I heard another click. The sound was followed by more pain in the same ear. Oh my God, I thought. She just put two holes in my ear- a double piercing. She did it so quickly. There hadn’t been time to react. I was still thinking about it while the same thing happened to the other ear. I counted the clicks and the ouches. Four holes? Oh my God!

My eyes watered as Carla fitted four gold studs into my new holes.

“Just leave them in for a day or so before you start using ordinary earrings. Okay,” asked Carla?

“Okay,” I said in a confused state. What was I going to do? Argue with her?

My confusion turned into a state of shock as Carla went to work on my eyebrows. I told myself it really wasn’t happening. For all I knew, I wasn’t even on a cruise ship or in a salon. I was back at home in my bed. This isn’t real! I suffered through the torment of having the hairs from my brow plucked one by one.

Convinced that it wasn’t really happening, I coaxed myself into making the best of it until I woke up. I wonder what I look like in my dream. I tried to dream up a mirror to look in but couldn’t make it happen.

With that out of the way, Carla gave me a head massage. Now this is the works, I thought. It wasn’t long before Carla’s trained fingers put the pain of the past far behind me. I closed my eyes and began to doze.

“Almost done,” said Carla. “I’ll just re-do your make up a bit.”

Still groggy from the head massage, I grunted my permission… as if she needed it.

I heard the bell on the door ring and looked up to see Mom and Avril coming inside. The woman at the front desk escorted them back to me. They stood in front of me as Carla rubbed soft brushes against my cheeks and over my eyes. I saw Mom and Avril both looking at me with smiles on their faces. Were they laughing? Did they think this was funny? What do they see? What do I look like? I imagined Carla painting me up to look as a clown. My dream had turned into a nightmare.

Carla removed the cap of what she said was a pinky shade of lipstick. Avril grinned as Carla ran it against my lips. All I could think about was how I would make it back to my room without too many people seeing me. I thought about what I say if someone confronted me. I’m a clown! I’m dressed for a show. I’m part of the ship’s entertainment.

Carla put a tissue in my hand and told me to blot my lips. I’d done it before and did what she asked me of me without asking how or why.

“All done,” said Carla to my mother. “So what do you think about your daughter?”

“I think she looks beautiful,” said Mom.

“Yes, very good,” said Avril.

Dream or not, I was desperate to see what Carla had done to me. Against all odds, I hoped for something nice as Carla took me by the hand and led me to a mirror.

Mom came up behind me and covered my eyes with her hands. “Not yet,” she said.

My mom stopped walking. I stopped. She still had her hands in front of my eyes. “Are you ready to look,” she asked?

I nodded my head from behind her hands as I considered the sweet sound of her voice. She didn’t sound like a woman leading her son to death. There had been no cruelty in her voice. Her hands fell away from my face.

I looked. I gasped. My hands flew up to my face. I saw my mom in the mirror. I saw Avril and Carla. But where was I?

“Is that me?”

“Yes Honey,” said my mother. “That’s you,” she said as she squeezed my shoulder lovingly. “What do you think?”

What do I think? I gasped again at my reflection. If what I was seeing was real, and Mom said it was, then I didn’t know what to think. Or maybe I did, and it was good. But how do you say it?

“Oh my God, Mom! I can’t believe that’s me. I look like a woman, don’t I?” I asked as I pinched a lock of long hair between my fingers. “But how did they do it? My hair! It’s long. How did she do it?”

“They’re called extensions,” said Mom calmly, “Do you like them? What about the colour? I think it looks good on you.”

I nodded unable to speak, that can’t be me in there, my hair had been coloured a brighter blonde, it had been layered and shaped some longer stands combed from the right hand side fell over my face it seemed to have been lengthened somehow at the back as it fell and tickled my back.

“Is it some kind of wig,” I asked? “Will I have to take it off before I go to bed?”

Mom laughed and said quietly into my ear “No dear, extensions aren’t a wig,” “It’s like real hair tied to your real hair. You can’t take them off. Why? Do you want to take them off?”

I shook my head no. “But what if I want to take a shower?”

“Then take a shower,” said Mom. “Do anything you’d normally do. It’s just hair and it’s your hair.”

I was thrilled and I was happy, but I was also scared and Mom could tell.

“Don’t worry honey. We can take them out before we go home.”

“Okay,” I said. Her answer relieved me but left me somewhat disappointed.

“I’m really impressed,” said Avril with a smile, as she took a step up to get a closer look.

“Okay girls. Let’s get lunch,” said Mom.

I picked up my purse and played with it while looking at the mirror as Mom and Avril paid for our salon visit.

I felt nothing less than beautiful as I strolled along the deck beside Mom and Avril on our way to the “Crow’s Nest” restaurant.

After we were seated, Mom and Avril opened their bags and took out their cigarettes. My eyes inhaled them as they lit up. They were both such dignified and sophisticated smokers. The right side of my brain realized they were both hopeless nicotine addicts, succumbing to their needs- getting their fixes. The left side of my brain saw it differently. They made it look so glamorous and ladylike. I envied their bad habit and admired the way they made it look so acceptable.

I was staring, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted my cake and eat it too, even though I knew it would never be possible. The salon appointment had been an incredible experience. Being with these two beautiful women as a beautiful woman was utterly amazing. It was the thrill of a lifetime. But cross dressing, while seriously taboo and exciting, isn’t bad for your health. Smoking is.

Mom looked at me as she exhaled. I could see the love and pride in her eyes as she admired me as her well dressed, good looking daughter, as temporary as it might be. For the next several days, it was clear to both of us that I would be the daughter she never had. I would dress like her and talk like her and shop like her and eat like her, but I would never be allowed to smoke like her. After all, I was still her child. Who knows, I mean a few hours ago I was Michael a closet cross dresser and now look at me sitting in a restaurant outdoors as part of a trio of lovely women.

I understood her feelings and I respected them. The thought of asking her for a cigarette never seriously crossed my mind. I was still going to smoke, but I would wait until I was alone. The idea of smoking like a woman, even if I had to hide to do it, turned me on. I struggled with that thought all through our meal.

We ordered a light lunch and Avril once more took a dig at me about watching my figure. When was this woman going to give up, I wondered? I might be Tracey for real now, but staying out of Mom and Avril’s way as much as possible was still very much a part of my plan.

After lunch, Avril suggested we work on our tans out on the sundeck. Mom thought it was a good idea, but I tried to beg off.

“Eh Mom, do you mind If I miss out? I want to call Dad and catch a nap before dinner. All this business has kind of tired me out a bit. Would you mind,” I asked?

Mom seemed hurt that I didn’t want to join her and Avril, but she said it would be okay. She reminded me that dinner was at 7:30. She said she’d knock on my door when it was time to leave.

As I got up to leave, she reminded me to dress smartly for dinner. No problem. I thought to myself. I was actually looking forward to getting back to my room and giving a second look at the clothes she had packed for me.

I hurried along the deck as I made a beeline for my room. I felt good as I walked. People were looking at me, and not in a bad way. I thought about the trunks in my room. I wasn’t so pleased the first time I saw them, but this next time will be different, I thought as I opened my door and let myself in.

I saw something on the bed as I was going for my closet. What’s that? I looked at the bed. I knew what it was but not why were they there. I looked at the door to see if I had been followed. I checked the door. It was locked. I returned to the bed and sat.

Looking down at the two cartons of Berkley menthol cigarettes sitting beside me on the mattress, I felt caught. The cigarettes were accompanied by a handwritten note. My heart sank as I picked up the note and took a deep breath. She must have found the cigarettes in my gym bag and this was her way of making me feel bad about it. If you knew my mom, you’d understand why I thought this.

You have to realize, as much as I wanted to believe my mom was good about me being Tracie, there was a part of me that felt she was doing it to make me feel guilty. She works like that sometimes. I think that she thinks that if she gives me what I want then I’ll feel bad and I won’t want it any more or get bored with it and move on to something else. Maybe it was that way with the clothes and the salon. Maybe it wasn’t but maybe it was. And now there were these cigarettes and this note to contend with.

I prepared myself for the worst as I opened my eyes and looked down at the note.

“Dear Tracey,”

She’d started it out Dear Tracey. She hadn’t called me Michael. My mom had called me Tracey.

“Your father and I have always been so proud of you Michael. You were always such a good boy. I always thought you’d grow up to be just like your father. I thought you’d be a man like your dad, rugged and athletic. You made us so proud the way you worked out at the gym after school. I guess that’s why I was so surprised the day I walked in on you and found you dressed up like me. I guess you’d say I was shocked.”

Okay. She said it. She made me feel like shit. I hate myself now.

“I don’t want you to feel bad about this because I know it’s not your fault.”

Well that’s just great Mom. You don’t want me to feel bad about this. Well how did you think I’d feel?

“A million thoughts went through my head that day. I was angry and ashamed of you, not because I really felt that way but because I never saw it coming.”

I continued reading her note with a heavy heart.

“It was Avril who helped me come to terms with it. I credit her for helping me to see this in a different light. She’s the one that reminded me that Michael and Tracey are two different people. She told me that I didn’t catch my son sneaking around in my clothes and stealing my cigarettes. She told me that I had walked in on my daughter while she was in the process of trying to be a woman like me.”

Even though I was sitting down, my knees went weak.

“I don’t want to encourage you to smoke and I would never have bought you these cigarettes, but as Avril said, the fantasy would not be complete without them, so I realise that as Tracey it is part of who you are, so for the remainder of the cruise you can act out your fantasy and smoke as a woman, but only for the remainder of the cruise and no longer.

Enjoy!

Love,

Mom”

Oh my God! My heart was beating out of my chest I could hear it as I lay the note on the bed and picked up one of the cartons. I noticed a lighter underneath it. I picked it up with my other hand and studied it carefully. It was slim and made of gold- the petrol type, the kind a lady keeps and refills. It was beautiful and I loved it. I couldn’t wait to use it!

My mind raced as I tried to comprehend the cigarettes and everything else that happened to me today. Where was it going? Where would it end? The only thing I knew for certain was that it was real and my mother loved me. I didn’t have a clue as to what would happen next. I did know that it couldn’t last forever. We were on vacation and sooner or later all vacations come to an end. I didn’t want this to end. Of course I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of it not ending either. It wasn’t like I wanted to face my father this way. I’d die if he knew what I was doing. But I couldn’t think about that right now. None of what laid ahead mattered. There’s only here and now, I thought as I stood up and pulled my trunks from the closet.

Twenty minutes later, I was still looking through the wardrobe. There were casual tops, shorts, little skirts with an emphasis on little. Some were longer and some were formal. There were clothes for every occasion. My mom must have spent a fortune on me. I found shoes galore! There were sandals, pumps, and heels in a variety of colours. What was I supposed to do with them after the cruise? Did Mom buy them for me to throw away afterwards? How could she expect me to throw them away? I can keep them, right? She’ll help me hide them from Dad when we get home. Don’t think about that now. Seize the day. Live in the now!

I slipped off the little flat shoes I had on and pulled out the white pair of heels. They were in a strange sort of soft mesh material. I slipped them on and stood up. Looking down, I admired the way they accentuated my calves and narrowed my ankles. By this time I was in physical need of a cigarette. At least I thought the need might be physical. Regardless, I wanted one. Oh my God, I’m going to smoke like a woman I thought as I tore open the carton of Berkley’s and removed a couple packs.

I tore open the cellophane wrapping off one of the packs and shoved them both into my purse along with the lighter. Two packs in my purse I thought as I let myself out into the hall - just like my Mom.

A woman with her child passed me in the hall as I was closing the door to my room. She smiled and said hello. I said hello back. I’m a woman. She’s a woman. I look fine, I thought as I hurried down the hall and up the stairs to the deck. My heels clicked against the metal on the stairs as I climbed. I love that sound I thought as I entered the sunlit deck.

I noticed the sun was coming from the left so I figured Mom and Avril would be on the other side of the ship if they were lying out. I knew I’d have to face them sooner or later. In a way, I was looking forward to it, but not just now. Right now I just wanted a cigarette. I needed time to adjust. I needed time to think about what was happening. I couldn’t do that with Mom and Avril staring at me.

I spotted a quiet looking space of deck rail and walked over to it while opening my purse. Getting the pack out was easy; removing a single cigarette with my new long nails was a different story. I pictured myself spilling five or more from the pack. That wouldn’t look sophisticated or ladylike. Don’t be a klutz Tracey! Take your time.

I tried to look casual as I applied the ends of my nails to just one of the filters. Try not to make it look hard. Look like you’ve done this before. Finally I got one out, raised it to my lips and flicked the lighter into life. I pushed the end of the cigarette into the flame and inhaled. The Menthol taste filled my mouth at once. I paused, savouring the flavour and the moment before blowing out a cloud of smoke.

I’d been there a few minutes, my arm tucked under my breasts, standing at the rail, looking out over the blue ocean, when a voice sounded.

“Hey Baby, how’s it going?”

I turned to see one of the ship’s crewman dressed in his white shirt and navy trousers. He leaned against the rail by my side.

Oh great, I thought as I exhaled into the wind. Just what I need, some jerk hitting on me.

“Are you on holiday?” he asked.

“Uh-uh, no,” I said curtly. “I’m just waiting for a bus.” I took another drag from my cigarette and exhaled.

“I guess that was a silly question,” he admitted. “So what’s your name?”

“Eh Tracey,” I said as I took another drag from the cigarette, nervously blowing out the smoke.

The young man’s name was Armstrong. I knew this because that’s what the older man in uniform called him. I supposed the older man was a commander of sorts.

“Armstrong! You know it’s against the rules to fraternise with the guests.”

“Sorry sir,” said Armstrong.

The older man told the younger want to get a move on and get back to work.

“I need to go,” he said as he stepped away from the rail. “Maybe I’ll see you around?”

“Hopefully not,” I replied as he left my side.

“Sorry about that Miss,” said the older officer.

I assured the officer that I was okay and told him not to worry about it. He tipped his cap to me as I smiled and took one final draw from my cigarette before putting it out in a nearby ashtray.

I took one more look at the ocean before deciding to go back to my room and take the nap I had threatened to take earlier. I was still excited, but I was very tired from the stress that came with being so excited. What a wonderful day, I thought as I walked down the stairs that led to my cabin.

I woke up and cast a glance at the clock on the bedside cabinet, just gone 4pm. Plenty of time before dinner I thought, getting up I went into the bathroom and surveyed the scene in the mirror, still trying to come to terms with the new look Micheal/Tracey I combed out my ruffled hair. Mom was right these hair extensions felt and acted just like the real thing, as I held the hair and brushed through it. Happy that it was back in style and looking fresh I touched up my make up a quick spray of perfume and I felt ok to resume the day.

I still had a couple of hours to go before I needed to change for dinner so I left my cabin and knocked on Mom’s door. No answer.

“Must be still on deck” I muttered to myself, I set off to do some exploring of the ship to familiarise myself with its attractions. Our cabin was situated on the second deck of cabins with one other floor of cabins directly below us. Each deck was named after a holiday resort; we were housed on the Miami deck. One flight of steps up was the first open walkway around the ship for passengers to stroll along. I wandered along the length of the ship; there were two restaurants at this level and a cinema theatre at the front of the ship. Climbing the stairs by the cinema I began to familiarise myself with the next level.

The second level consisted of another Theatre / Nightclub which boasted that Tina Carroll would be performing live their tonight. I continued my expedition passing another restaurant diner and then the small shopping mall where I had been tortured just a few hours earlier. I walked inside inspecting the shops that were there. As before, I noticed the Newsagent’s displaying newspapers in several languages, small gifts, little replica’s of the ship and another one. I assumed were part of the fleet. Sweets, cigarettes… eh cigarettes… I need one I thought to myself. I passed the salon spotting Carla inflicting some more torture on another passenger as I walked by. Also in the mall there was a shop selling beachwear and underwear, I stopped admiring a cute bra and panty set in the mannequin in the window, the set was pink lace with a ruffled white trim around the bra, cute I thought my own actions not really registering as I gazed in the window.

Out the other side I spotted some seats along the deck a bit. I sat down and opened my bag taking out my cigarettes I lit one up. I thought about what it might be like later sitting with Mom and Avril as three women smoking and chatting over a drink. Maybe that was not what Mom intended? Maybe she just bought the ciggies to be smoked in private and not in front of her. I made a mental note not to do it until her or Avril brought the subject up. I smoked the rest of the cigarette and continued on my voyage. Another restaurant a chapel and a small casino completed this level before I climbed the steps once more.

The decks above this level seemed to be a bit more spacious, larger cabins, more plush bars and restaurants. This must be where the rich people live I thought with a chuckle to myself as my expedition continued up each level to the top.

The next level consisted of a couple of tanning salons and a health club complete with Gym. I made a mental note to use the gym if Mom had bought me some leisure stuff that I could dress in as Tracey. A small bar was attached to the Gym before I moved upwards once more.

The final public deck consisted of more leisure facilities. A basketball and tennis court naturally indoors along with a couple of squash courts further along the deck with a solarium and bar. Very impressive I thought to myself as I looked over the rail and stared down the depth of the ship. The final deck was restricted to crew only and I assumed was where the main control room for the ship was. I looked upwards a person waving too me. Shit! It’s Anderson! I thought tentatively waving back. I stepped away from the rails and started my trip back down. Glancing at my watch I noted the time just before 5.30 pm. Time to have a shower and get ready for the night ahead.

Back in my room I stripped off and switched on the shower. In the toilet bag, Mom had provided me some shower gel “Lotus Blossom.” I unscrewed the cap smelling it. Definitely girl! But then, that’s how I looked now. Taking it with me I stepped into the water, squeezing some out on to my hand I lathered my now smooth legs the breast forms Mom had attached hanging in front of me, no sign of maleness at all as my penis was safely tucked in its tube in the gaff I was wearing. This was awesome! I thought beyond any of my dreams as I continued washing for my night ahead.

I was drying my hair when there was a knock at the door.

“Micheal. Are you decent?”

“Yeah. Come in”

Mom opened the door and stepped inside.

“I just came over to help you with your make-up and your hair” she said, “You need to get used to doing it yourself but I though tonight I would give you a hand.”

“Eh, thanks.” I stammered, tying the towel around myself as any woman would - covering my breasts.

I sat in front of the dresser as Mom took me through the steps of make-up, using foundation, powder, eyeliners and eye shadow, a touch of blush for the cheeks explaining the way the use of lighter and darker shades in some areas could alter the face or open up the eye’s. A crash course in cosmetics really. Soon my face looked just as good as it had when I left the salon and my hair was restored to all its glory.

“I’d better go and get ready” Mom said as she walked across the room “I’ll see you in around half an hour” she continued as she opened the door. She was just about to close it when she popped her head back in “Oh I forgot, did you like your present darling”

My face flushed, I was tongue tied. “Eh, eh yes, thanks” I replied, with that she closed the door.

I finished dressing I chose a straight black skirt just above the knee with a split up the side to mid thigh. A white ivory blouse with pearl buttons sexy but classy not the usual type of thing I might have chosen for myself but then Mom was a lady and her choice was practical while mine was usually something rather different. With my feet encased in 4 inch heeled black leather stilettos, I picked up my bag and popped my lighter and cigarettes inside with some spare make up for emergencies. My hand shook as I dropped the cigarettes. The thought of lighting up a cigarette in front of my Mom set butterflies loose into inside my stomach. A deep breath... Tracey, time to go. I left my cabin and knocked on the Mom’s cabin door within seconds Mom and Avril appeared both dressed stunningly and so off we set three classy well dressed women on route to dinner.

Our allocated restaurant was the Michelangelo Restaurant for tonight which was on the Buenos Aries deck just above us at the rear of the ship. The waiter showed us to our table and we sat down. “So Tracey, did you get Mom’s present” Avril asked, my face once more turning crimson as I cringed under Avril’s torment. I decided to hit back a little “Yeah I did and I gather that it was you who talked her into it, so thanks” I replied hoping to have scored a point. She smiled “No problem glad to be of service again” she said with a grin, oops 2-1 to Avril better stop before I get crushed I thought, ignoring the comment I lifted the napkin and opening it placed it delicately on my lap.

Dinner was served and we sat quietly eating. I scanned the dining room watching all the other passengers, not quite believing yet that he I was in full female attire sitting with Mom and Avril, the rest of the passengers, oblivious to my true male gender.

Avril’s voice broke the silence, “What we doing after dinner?”

“I thought we could have a couple of drink’s in the Sport’s Bar on the top deck then hit that club you’ve been bugging me about.” Mom replied. “What do you think Tracey?”

“Eh yeah sounds ok. But I’m not sure that I want to go to a nightclub, just yet” I replied.

“Well we can see” Mom said.

Dinner finished with coffee and I excused myself and went to the toilet, another first for me, in fact almost a disastrous first as my instinct almost sent me into the male toilet before my brain kicked into gear and I made a quick switch to the ladies. Inside another passenger stood touching up her makeup.

“Good evening. nice meal?” she asked.

“Lovely” I replied opening a cubicle door and stepping inside. A few minutes later I was also touching up my lipstick in the mirror before going back to Mom and Avril. We left the restaurant and walked along the deck.

“I’m not climbing all those stairs in these heels, better take the lift” Mom said.

We approached the lift and Avril pressed the button, soon we were on our way up to Funchal deck where the Sport’s bar was. We stepped out a breeze fluttering through my hair as we walked along the deck. The night was darkening an impressive red sunset in the distance a reminder that we were headed to a hotter climate.

Mom found a table and we sat down. “Ok what’s everybody want to drink” Avril asked.

“Get me a glass of Chardonnay, Tracey what about you” Mom asked.

“Eh the same please”

Avril headed off as me and Mom sat down. I was desperate for a cigarette but still nervous about lighting up in front of Mom. I know she had seen me before but I was still a bit anxious about it. Within seconds my tension had increased as Mom opened her back and took out her cigarettes opening them she held them towards me I froze.

“Go on then I’m sure you want to” she said.

I snapped out of my trance my fingers edged forward tried to grip on, damn these nails I thought.

“Difficult with long nails isn’t it, you’ll get used to it” her own long sculptured nail with the deep burgundy nail varnish pushed a cigarette upwards and out of the packet a bit. I took it out, sliding it between my fingers she flicked the lighter into life I leaned in a bit and pushed the tip into the flame inhaling as I did so the menthol filling my mouth.

“There now that’s out of the way maybe you’ll relax a bit” she said.

“Mom can I ask you something?”

“Sure darling” she said taking out a cigarette for herself and lighting it.

“Well when the ship docks will I need to stay on board, I mean you know my passport its… well… you know.” I hesitated.

“Yeah the picture’s not quite you is it” she smiled and took another drag from her cigarette as Avril approached with the drinks. “Don’t worry darling you don’t need the passport we all have a swipe card that activates a door, you only need that to get on and off.”

“Oh” I replied taking a drag on my cigarette and blowing a cloud of smoke in the air.

“I think I’ve got yours here” she said rummaging in her bag as Avril put the drinks on the table. “Yeah here it is” she said handing me a plastic card with a photo of the ship on it. “Now put it away safely” she said, I opened my clutch bag and put the card inside.

Avril lit a cigarette for and picked up her drink “A toast” she announced “To the three best looking women on the this ship, and to lot’s of girly fun,” She winked at Mom, teasing me again no doubt, I thought as all three of us clicked our glasses together.

We spent the next few hours chatting and drinking. Around 10pm Avril decided it was time to go to the nightclub she had been banging on about on the deck below. “You coming Tracey darling” Mom asked me. “No it’s been a long day, think I’ll call Dad and go to bed” I said. “Ok give him my love” Mom asked as we walked down the stairs to the deck below. I left them and headed along the deck to the lift to take me back to my cabin. I passed another couple of passengers on route to the club nodded greeting’s as I kept going.

A voice “Hello Babes we meet again.”

Startled I stopped and glanced around. There stood Armstrong the sailor who had tried to chat me up earlier that day.

“Sorry. Did I scare you?” he asked.

“A bit. What you doing out here? Not working?”

“No. Just nipped out for a ciggie.” he said as he raised a cigarette to his mouth, “Want one?”

“Eh ok,” I opened my bag and took out my cigarettes taking one for the packet I lifted it to my mouth while I looked for my lighter.

“Here let me.” he said taking his lighter from his pocket and flicking it into life. I moved forward and lit the cigarette taking it from my mouth. I blew a cloud of smoke upwards as I stood a couple of feet from him.

“Did I get you in trouble today” I asked

“Not really. Davies that’s the officer is a stickler for crew and passengers not mixing” he explained.

“Oh, I’m sorry I was a bit of a bitch to you as well” I said.

“It’s ok. It was a daft question asking if you were on holiday.” he laughed. So did I.

“You been out?” he asked.

“Yeah me, Mom, and her friend went for dinner and a couple of drinks. They’ve gone on to the nightclub.” I replied.

“You not fancy it yourself?”

“No it’s been a long day and I wanted to call my dad.”

“He’s not with you then?”

“No he had to work. He’s a policeman, working on that case of the two missing girls, you might have seen it on the news?”

“Yeah, I think I read about that in the paper.” he replied dropping his cigarette and crushing it out with his shoe. Immediately taking out another and lighting it.

I stepped a bit closer and leaned against the wall. Taking a drag from the cigarette, I blew a cloud of smoke into the night air.

We made small talk for another couple of minutes while I smoked the rest of my cigarette, taking my last drag I dropped it and blew smoke downward as I stepped on it to extinguish it. I looked up. I’m not sure why, but I stepped in and kissed Armstrong on the cheek “Sorry about being a bitch today.” I blushed.

Then something happened I had the unbearable urge that I wanted him to kiss me back, not just a peck on the cheek, but a full blown kiss. I wanted to be kissed as Tracey! Our eyes locked as he moved forward leaned in and found my lips at first they were closed and then parted allowing his tongue to enter. Our tongues played with each other a bit, his arm slipping around my waist and he began pulling me a bit closer.

“Ahem” a sound behind me I stopped kissing him turned slightly, my knees almost buckling as Avril stood behind me. Jesus! What is this woman? A stalker? A ghost? Why is it she always turns up at the wrong moment or when I’m doing something I shouldn’t be? I broke out of Armstrong’s grip and stepped back.

“Eh sorry. This is Mom’s friend, Avril.” I said, gesturing towards her.

“Pleased to meet you.” he said extending a hand. Avril shook it.

“Eh, I thought you were going to the club?” I asked.

“Yeah, your Mom’s there, but she forgot something. I need to go back to the cabin. You coming or staying here?” she sarcastically grinned.

“Eh, I’ll just come with you. See you.” I glanced back at Armstrong, hesitating a bit, aware of the fact that I didn’t even know his first name.

“It’s Chris” he said smiling at me.

“Ok. See you Chris” I said as I stepped away and followed Avril.

We reached the lift in silence, inside another couple of guests so there was no conversation. I hoped they were going to further or at least to the same floor as us. But alas they got off a couple of floors above ours. The doors closed.

“He seemed nice.” Avril said.

“Look it was nothing, please don’t tell Mom!” I pleaded.

“Quite a number of secrets I’m stacking up for you here” she said.

“It won’t happen again, I don’t know why I did it” I said.

“Yeah I know dear. We all like to explore our sexuality a bit from time to time.” Her hand reached over and squeezed mine. I froze as she did my heart, beating a little as the doors opened. We stepped out into the corridor of our deck.

We walked back, side by side, to the cabin. Once we reached them we both took out our keys and began to open the doors.

“Sleep tight Tracey, I’ll see you in the morning” Avril said as she pushed the door open.

“Eh thanks. And please don’t tell Mom!” I pleaded once more.

Avril winked at me and closed the door behind her; I pushed back my door and stepped inside. Sitting on the bed I put my head in my hands “Fuck! How do I always get caught?” I’d got away with dressing for years and now in the space of a couple of weeks I had been caught twice and now, the first day that I can live out my fantasy as a girl, I get caught snogging a guy! If luck was food then I would be positively anorexic. I picked up my mobile and called home.

“Dad is that you?” I said as I heard a voice.

“Yeah son. Are you having a good time?”

Well if you call sitting here dressed in a short skirt and blouse and heels a good time, then yeah. was what I wanted to say.

“Eh yeah it’s been good so far. Mom said Hi.” I said.

“Where is she?”

“Oh she and Avril went for a couple of drinks. I was tired so I just came back to the cabin.” I said.

“Ok tell her I miss her, will you?”

I could hear music in the background, “Dad is there someone there with you, and I can hear music”

“Just another couple of officers we were having a beer together long day today” he replied.

“How’s the case going” I asked.

“Eh we got a good breakthrough today, can’t say much but watch the news the next couple of days there might be some progress”

“I will” I replied.

We continued with some mundane chat before we said our goodnights and I hung up. Fifteen minutes later, with makeup removed and clothes put away, I slipped into bed dressed in a little pink nightie. Today had certainly been different and there were eight more to go.

I awoke the next morning refreshed and ready to go. The fact that when I looked in the mirror I saw Tracey staring back at me was still difficult to get used to. Padding across my room I entered the small bathroom and started the shower.

---

 
 
Cruise Diary — Day 2

I awoke the next morning refreshed and ready to go. The fact that when I looked in the mirror I saw Tracey staring back at me was still difficult to get used to. Padding across my room I entered the small bathroom and started the shower. Dropping the short silk nightdress I had worn to bed the night before I stepped into the warm water. I soaped my body still awestruck by the fake boobs that still adorned my chest, in my mind the nipples hardened as my hands traced over them as if being touched by a lover showering with me.

My shower over I dressed for the morning ahead, I planned to do a little exercise before breakfast. Mum and Avril I knew had plans to go ashore, so did I, but I had designs on going on my own and not tagging along with them. I pulled on some cut off denim shorts and a white tee-shirt it stretched across my newly found chest. Sitting at the mirror I looked at my face, the haircut had really changed my appearance even without make up I still had a feminine look. As I gazed at the image before there was a knock on the door.

“Tracey darling you awake” the call came.

“Yeah, just a sec” I said as I stood and went to open the door.

“Sleep well” My Mum asked as she bounced into the room full of cheer.

“Yeah you obviously did, good night at the club,” I asked.

“It was ok we didn’t stay that long”

I held my breath, wondering if Avril had spilled the secret of last nights kiss. I decided to keep talking maybe avoid the topic.

“I spoke to Dad last night they think they might have a lead” I said excitement in my tone.

“That’s good dear isn’t it” she said sounding a little like she didn’t care a bit.

“Yeah it is, he says hi, maybe you should call him” I said.

“I will darling now are you coming ashore with me and Avril today” she asked changing the subject.

“Eh maybe not, I might just explore the boat a bit more” I replied.

“Well if that’s what you want then ok, now lets get you ready” she said.

I explained to Mum about my plans for some exercise so she skipped the make up session just ensuring that I moisturised my face and put on a little sun block. I dusted on a little natural eye shadow and some waterproof mascara and then lifting my large beach bag I tossed in some shorts and trainers and a little sports bra that Mum in all her wisdom and scheming had kindly thought to buy me. Slipping on my sunglasses I bid farewell to Mum and headed of to do my workout for the day.

Upstairs I changed the in the small changing rooms, tying my hair into a makeshift ponytail. The little stud earring’s Mum had insisted I wear to enhance my look, gleamed in the summer sun as I did some stretches before starting my morning jog. The little running track was quite deserted only one elderly gentleman pounding the boards as I started of at a medium pace. After about twenty laps I threw in a couple of sprint laps before stopping to re-catch my breath. A couple of other joggers had by now appeared oblivious to my true sex or identity they jogged past with a courteous “Good Morning” as they continued on their way. I slipped off into the gym and had five minutes on a rowing machine and some more stretches before calling it a day.

Back in the deserted dressing room I began to undress being careful to ensure that I kept my self a bit covered and my secret safe. Soon I was dressed an after applying a light touch of make up I was brushing out me hair when another girl sat down beside me. She began to get changed I watched in the mirror like some sort of voyeur as she stripped of her shorts and little panties. Her perfect round bubble butt, in full view, as I tried to quickly finish brushing my hair. As I turned to put away my brush she spoke.

“Good workout” she asked.

“Yeah not bad” I replied.

“Oh you are Scottish” as well she said as she encased her boobs in a little white bra.

“Eh yeah” I said.

She stepped forward “Mhari” she said extending her hand to me.

“Tracey” I replied as she shook my hand.

“Look I’m just about changed why we could get some breakfast together” she asked.

“Eh, I don’t know I mean I’m”

“Go on, I was playing squash with my brother and he’s shot off to get ready to go ashore so I’m on my own”

“Eh well I suppose..”

“Good’ I’ll just be a couple of minutes and then we can go” she said as she approached the mirror.

A few minutes later we left the dressing room, I expected us to had off to one of the small diner’s but Mhari stopped at the small flight of stairs leading up to the exclusive “Crow’s Nest Diner,”

“Eh we can’t use that” I said.

“Sure we can, I’m staying over there” she said pointing to the most exclusive cabins on the ship,
“You’re my guest so I can take you up.” We walked up the six or so steps, Mhari spoke to the waiter at the entrance and he guided us to a small metal table and we sat down.

“Who are you with” she asked.

“Eh my Mum and her friend, Dad’s a policeman, he’s working on the abducted girl case” I said pride in my voice at Dad’s status.

“Oh yeah I read about that, terrible isn’t it, I’m here with my Mom Dad and two bother’s plus an assortment of about a dozen other family members, it’s Mum and Dad’s twenty fifth wedding anniversary a bit of a celebration,” she said scanning the menu.

“Where you from, Glasgow” she asked.

“Eh just outside, you.” I enquired.

“Dunbar, Dad has a car dealership in Edinburgh, I’m in my last year of Law at University and my big brother, Justin, did Business Studies and is working with Dad.”

The waiter arrived and we ordered.

“Eh can I smoke up here” I asked.

“Yeah you can” Mhari said glancing around her she spotted an ashtray and got up and lifted it back to our table. “You want one” I asked offering her the pack, “Eh, ok go on I only really smoke when I’m drinking but ok” she said as she slipped one from the pack. I flicked the lighter into life and she lit up.
Soon our food had arrived and over some fresh fruit and a glass of juice we talked away like any two young women would, fashion, music to boys the works. Soon breakfast was over and we left the terraced restaurant back down to the deck below.

“Look why don’t we meet up one night” she asked, going on “You know check out the talent on board have a couple of drink’s what do you say.”

“Well, I mean I’m with Mum but I suppose.”

“Good that’s settled, we have a big family meal tonight up there” she pointed back to where we had come from “But tomorrow night is free, that ok with you.”

“Yeah I suppose.”

“Ok about 8 in Shipmates Bar” she said “on Deck 7” she said.

“Yeah, ok”

“Cool see you then Tracey,” she said as she began to walk away.

I headed back to my deck and cabin, this was getting more complicated I now had a girl friend, well you know what I mean to keep my identity under wraps from. But it was also getting more exciting as the more people were coming to accept me as Tracey then the more confident I was becoming !

Back in my cabin I changed into a loose fitting almost Hippy style blouse with a long flower patterned wrap over skirt. I put on some cork wedged sandals and touched up my make up. I put my purse and make up bag in large beach bag checking that my swipe card for boarding was in the purse. Then I was on my way confidently I strode along the deck heading for the exit ramp. I opened my bag and pulled out my purse then it hit me “Damn I’ve left my cigarettes in my room” I thought to myself. I turned and looked around the little shopping mall was just back there I could get some from the shop.

I stepped into the cool tiled mall which was busy with other passengers shopping for souvenirs of the trip or having a beer at the little bar diner. Finding the tobacconist / newsagent shop I wend inside. The single shop assistant busy serving one customer I scanned the array of cigarettes on the shelf behind the counter looking for my favourite brand. Suddenly me eyes settled on something, no it couldn’t be, my pulse began to race my heart sped up. I stepped forward, had I not been wearing mascara then I would have been rubbing my knuckles in my eye’s trying to clear my vision and confirm what I was looking at, I was right it was a cigarette that I had dreamed about.

“Eh Miss, can I help you” a voice sounded of to my left. The sales assistant had been trying to get my attention.

“Eh yes, yes you can I’ll take 40 of those cigarettes” I said pointing to the display case.

“These” she asked he hand lifting them from the display.

“Eh yes that’s them how much” I asked fiddling with my bag.

“Fourteen Euro 20” she said.

I fiddled around in my purse grabbing a 20€ note I handed it to her she handed me the cigarettes which I hastily pushed in my bag and turned.

“Eh Miss your change”

“Oh yeah sorry, I forgot”

She handed me my change I dropped it back in my purse and left the shop. I looked around my heart was still beating so fast, the palm of my hands damp with anticipation I needed a cigarette but I needed a place to savour it.

Exiting the rear of the mall I scanned the decks, there were several people milling around but not a lot. Looking along the deck, near the rear of the ship I spotted an empty couple of summer seats. That will do I thought to myself, I wanted to run to the seats but keeping my decorum I walked quickly towards them. Once there I sat down my heart still beating as if it wanted to escape my chest. I opened my bag and peered inside. Yes they were still there half expecting that they had escaped my bag in the short trip to this seated area.

By now many of you must wonder what I am going on about but as I lifted the slim packet out of the bag I will explain. Those who don’t have a smoking fetish or don’t find the sight of an attractive woman smoking will not understand but for those who do then they will understand where I am coming from. I looked down at my hand there in my hand was a white and green packet of VS 120 cigarettes, the Ferrari of cigarettes well that’s how I felt anyway, how many times had I looked at pictures and watched You Tube video’s of women and TV’s smoking these long slim cigarettes that just oozed femininity and sex. How had they got here on a ship in the middle of the ocean? It was as if they had been transported here by magic. Then my mind cleared, I mean American’s go on cruises don’t they so why should they not be here.

I unwrapped the cellophane as I stared at the packet; pulling the light green foil paper away I uncovered the buried treasure. I fumbled with the long slim cigarette trying to get it out of the packet my newly acquired nail extensions getting in the way finally I gripped one and eased it free. I’m surprised I never dropped it my fingers shaking as they were; I stared at the delicate white tube, before lifting it to my lips and placing it between them. Pulling out my lighter I tried to flick it into life the sea breeze killing it, I tried again, no luck, putting my bag down beside my feet I cupped the flame with my hand and tried once more it sparked into life. I pushed the cigarette into the yellow flame and sucked. An unusual menthol taste filled my throat not like my usual UK brand maybe a bit harsher and a little less menthol but oh how it tasted. It was like your first kiss or something similar for me though it was bliss another milestone had been struck from my journey. How I had dreamed of smoking a VS 120, in my mind it had been behind closed doors dressed at home while Mum was out before probably tossing myself off as I dreamed of being a seductive female pulling her prey to her. But no here I was a seductive female on a cruise ship with a new hairstyle and long false nails with passengers walking buy and seeing nothing else but an attractive young woman smoking a cigarette and enjoying the early afternoon sun.

I arrived back on the ship early evening about just over an hour before it was due to pick up anchor and head for our next port of call. I had, had a pleasant afternoon wandering the cobbled streets. I had even bought myself a couple of blouses and a leather skirt which was at a really low cost compared with what I had seen in UK shops. When the heat had got too much I had sat by a small café ordered a cool glass of wine and smoked one of my VS cigarettes watching the world go buy, a couple of times admiring glances crossed my way from males passing buy, all in all my confidence was now sky high and as Tracey I worried not that I would be discovered. Maybe Mum and Avril had been a bit devious but I really had and awful lot to than them for, in my mind I made a mental note to do that in the not too distant future.

After checking in with Mum I took a nice relaxing shower and lay back in my bathrobe watching some TV hoping maybe to get some news about Dad and the case. With no fresh news I began to dress for the evening. Mum had said we would have a light dinner and a couple of drinks which was fine with me. Choosing some fresh lingerie I dressed and sat down to apply my make up, Mum had taught me well and soon a freshly made up little fox looked back at me from the mirror. I scanned my wardrobe all of which was off course new to me I choose a wine silk fitted blouse flared at the bottom but gathered in to the torso and bust area. I adjusted the collar and pulled it down before picking up the leather skirt I had bought today. Slipping it on I adjusted it to fit it was about a couple of inches above my knees but not too short. I could feel the soft leather caress my thighs as I moved across the room and found a pair of black 3  ½ inch stilettos the silver metal heel glistening as I pulled them on to my feet. Collecting some bits and pieces together I dropped them into my black leather clutch bag and set off for dinner.

Dinner was exceptional a great seafood salad and some interesting chat about our day. Even Avril was beginning not to bug me any more. My new found confidence meant that I never even gave my true self a second thought and felt very much the woman in a threesome having a pleasant evening. We adjourned to the Funchal terrace and found a table to sit at three white wine spritzers appeared and we settled back to enjoy our night. I pulled my cigarettes from my bag and took one out.

“Oh where did you find them” Avril asked.

“The little shop in the mall” I replied offering her the packet she took one as did Mum I offered them a light before lighting my own cigarette. Could life really get any better I thought as I looked out across the vast ocean and took a drag from my cigarette?

Our night went on and seemed perfect except Avril was getting a bit tipsy and following a trip to the bar to get us some top ups she somehow dragged three guys’ back to our table.

“This is Bobby, Luke and, and……”

“Chris” the guy said embarrassed at Avril forgetting his name, she swayed a little as she sat down.

“I asked them to join us” she said, I crushed out my cigarette and raised my eyebrows in a disgusted gesture at Mum. The three guys pulled over sat and sat down. Bobby was beside Avril, Chris next to Mum and then Luke next to me. The chat began to flow then as it progressed it changed rather than as a group discussion the guy’s, as guys do began to concentrate on the female of their choice.

“You enjoying the Cruise” then Luke asked, moving a bit closer to me.

“Yeah it’s been good so far, first time I’ve been on a boat” I replied, out of the corner of my eye I could see Avril who was getting increasingly tipsy almost drag Bobby out of his seat and towards a small dance floor at the end of the deck.

“So what do you do for a living” he was almost so close now that I could feel his breath on the side of my face. His arm was round the back of my seat and I could feel the outside of his finger trace up and down my arm.

I tensed a little, “Cold” he asked.

“No just a shiver, eh I’m still at college” I lied slightly as I was only due to start after the holiday.

“What you studying” he asked as Mum slipped away with Chris towards the dance floor to join Avril.

“Computing and programming” I replied leaning forward I took my bag and opened it taking out my VS 120’s I took one from the pack and lit it. Easing back I realised Luke’s arm had now slipped a bit lower and was now round my waist his hand resting on my hip. I took a nervous drag on my cigarette inhaling before blowing a cloud of smoke into the night air. I could see Mum and Avril still dancing away to a cheesy eighties dance tune. Luke was really close to me now, a few days ago dressed as I was I would have run a mile but something was keeping me here, Tracey’s new found confidence in her femininity and appearance was making me comfortable in my ability to carry off the fact that I was not really a young woman.

Luke must have caught me looking at Mum, “You want to join them” he asked nodding in their direction.

“Might as well” I replied as I took a final draw from my cigarette and crushed it out in the ashtray.
Luke stood and offered me his hand, instinctively I took it and picking up my handbag I let him lead me to the dance floor. As we approached I could see Mum look over a smile on her face as she waved to me to join her. We slipped onto the floor I put my bag on the floor and we began to move to the music. I was never the best of dancers and doing it in heels was more difficult than I thought but I managed to dance away without tripping or twisting an ankle in the process. We danced away the evening swapping partners from time to time, the three women together when the guy’s could not be bothered.

I was enjoying myself but one thing was bothering me and that was both Mum and Avril’s reaction to these guys. While I was friendly and charming and laughed at their jokes, I was not flirting the same as they were. I mean I suppose I had a better reason than them but they were definitely giving off signals that there was more to come tonight. I mean it’s not right she’s my Mum, my Dad is at home, I mean Avril can shag everyone on the boat if she likes but not my Mum!

During one slower dance while Luke had his arms round my waist I cast a glance over at Mum. Chris was holding her co close tight into his chest his hand on her lower back while the other was roaming across her arse. That was it for me serious words needed to be said so when the dance finished I broke for Luke.

“I need to go to the ladies” I said in my best apologetic tone.

“No trouble babe, another drink,” he asked.

“Not for me, I might call it a night soon,” I said glancing at my watch.

He looked a bit disgusted as I walked away and approached Mum.

“Toilet break,” I said as I reached her.

“I suppose” she said picking up her bag as Avril slid into the table with Bobby’s arm around her waist.

“We’re just going to the loo” Mum announced her voice slurring a little. If Avril heard her she never let on because there was no response as we walked away.

Inside the toilet I found a cubicle both found cubicles and went inside. I thought about how I was going to bring up the subject of Mum’s flirting. I decided to just challenge it head on. Back outside I checked my make up in the mirror applying a little more lipstick and touching up my mascara while I waited.

The door opened and she joined me at the mirrors, I cast a glance around just to see that we were on our own.

“Mum what do you think you are doing with Chris, he’s all over you.” I asked.

“It’s just a bit of holiday fun dear a bit of harmless flirting, we women do it all the time, you’ll learn.”

“Well I don’t think he’s thinking that his hand was all over your backside at the last dance”

She blushed slightly.

“I mean your married, Avril can do what she likes but you’re my Mum.” A slight tear appeared at the corner of one of my eyes.

She touched my face “Don’t get upset darling, I’m not going to do anything.”

“Well I don’t think they think that” I said pulling a small tissue from my bag I dabbed the tear away.

“Ok a couple more drinks then I’ll get us out of there.”

“Well I’m not staying anymore, you can tell Luke I’ve got a headache or something but I’m going back to my cabin, promise me you will leave soon, promise me,” I said.

“I will now relax and get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning, it’s been a big couple of days for you, and you still have lot’s to learn, ok, I promise we will leave soon.”

“Ok” I said as we turned and walked back towards the bar. I left her by the entrance and started down the metal stairs my heels clicking on the surface as I went. I trusted her, why I don’t know after she had set me up like this, but I just hoped that she would keep her word and leave soon.

Back on my own deck I walked towards the stairs down to our cabins, I stopped by the rail and opened my bag. One more cigarette before I went to bed I thought. I took one out and lit it blowing a white cloud into the night air. In the distance I could see some light’s from some shore blinking as we sailed along. I was still in deep thought about Mum when a voice sounded.

“Hello Princess”

It was Armstrong the sailor that had spoken to me yesterday the one Avril had caught me kissing.

“Oh hello” I said drawing on my cigarette as I turned and leaned my back to the railing.

“Enjoying the night air, where’s your friend.”

“Avril, oh she’s Mum’s friend there up on the Funchal terrace with three jerks.”

“Someone upset you” he said stepping into the rail next to me.

I took another drag on my cigarette and looked at my feet, my arms crossed under my breasts like some type of defence mechanism, “It’s just, I mean, Mum’s married and she’s flirting like mad with this guy it’s not right.”

“People do funny things on holiday Princess, I should know, the thing’s you see going on on this ship.”

“I suppose, but I mean I’m her s.., daughter,” oops almost a fatal mistake there, I blushed a bit.

“Yeah well maybe she just needs to let her hair down I mean can’t be much fun stuck on this boat with her old man back home.”

“Yeah well I’ve told her what I think and she’s promised to leave soon so I guess I’ll just have to trust her. Anyway won’t you get into trouble for talking to me again!” I said.

“Worth it Princess, the stars the moon and a beautiful girl to talk to,” he nudged shoulders with me in a playful manner.

“Yeah, yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls on the ship, what is it they say a girl in every port maybe you are just a girl on every cruise.” I took a final draw on my cigarette and turning tossed it overboard.

“No seriously you’re the best looking girl on the ship,” I blushed slightly again.

“Yeah but I’m also a passenger and I get you into trouble” I said playfully punching his arm.

“Worth it though and anyway I’m not on duty all the time I get shore leave we could hook up then, how about it.”

“I don’t know, maybe” I said.

“Once we get to Barcelona I have a day off we could see the sights, what do you think.”

“I don’t know I don’t know what Mum and Avril will have planned.”

“Well think about it I’ll look out for you or just ask in the Customer Service desk in the mall, they will page me.”

I stepped back ready to go, “Ok maybe” I said.

As I walked past Chris gripped my wrist and spun me round I was in his arms before I knew what was happening.

“To Barcelona then” he said as his mouth covered mine, surprised by the suddenness of his move I was about to say something so my half open mouth was a simple target for his tongue to find it’s way in. My hand came to rest on his shoulder as he increased the tempo of the kiss. I pushed back and broke off.

“You have a nerve” I said, “I do, but you will still come ashore with me in Barcelona,” he replied.

I stepped away from him ant turned and began to walk along the deck, “See you Sunday” he said before he wolf whistled at me. I turned my head slightly and looked back for a second, as I turned back a smile crossed my lips as I walked on as the only sound that could be heard on this still night was my heels clicking on the deck.

---

 
To Be Continued...

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 3

Hot water ran down my body as I took my morning shower. Wiping some soap from my eye’s I thought back to last night and Mum and Avril’s behaviour as they had teased and tormented those guys. I hoped that they cut the evening short soon after I had left just as they promised. Switching of the shower I grabbed a towel and patted myself dry. I stepped out of the white basin onto the floor and picking up some scented talc I sprinkled some on my legs and feet massaging it into the skin. Taking my short pink dressing gown from the door I pulled it round myself and stepped out into the bedroom. I crossed the room and sat at the dresser and started to dry my hair.

Just over thirty minutes later I was ready to head out for my morning work out. A white pleated tennis skirt surrounded my fast browning legs, and a tight white tee-shirt with the words “Look but don’t touch” in bold pink lettering covered my upper body. I picked up my bag with my work out gear inside and dropping in my cigarettes and lighter I opened my cabin door.

I decided to take a quick check on Mum and Avril so I knocked on their door, no response I tried the handle it opened I stepped inside.

“You awake” I called as I walked inside.

“Keep it down” a voice said from the corner.

There sat Avril with a glass of cloudy water in her hand, she took a swig and winced slightly.

“Hungover” I asked.

“Well done Sherlock, of course we are.”

“Mum not up yet.”

“No she’s still dead to the world” she said nodding towards the bedroom.

“What time did you get back?” I asked.

“We got back about three thirty” she said taking another drink from her glass.

“Oh” was all I could say. “I’m, I’m just going for a workout you two going for breakfast” I enquired.

“I doubt it, the very thought of food makes me want to hurl,” she replied.

Hurl, I thought to myself, so lady like, Avril had obviously skipped Swiss finishing school.

“Well suit yourselves.”

“We will” Avril said in that superior tone she uses to make me feel small.

I left the cabin and headed for the exercise deck. Three thirty I though to myself that was nearly four hours after I had called it a night so Mum had lied to me she had had no intention of finishing of the night early. They had continued to party with those guys, at least there had been no obvious sign that they had gone back to the room so I was pretty sure that nothing had happened, but Mum’s behaviour last night and her flirting still disturbed me after all she was married to my Dad.

I emerged into the bright sunlight and found a seat to sit on the shady side of the ship. I sat and pulled out my VS 120’s lighting one up I still marvelled at the slim cigarette of my dreams. “Need too get some more” I said quietly to myself as I sat puffing away. Finished I extinguished it in a sand pit close by and headed towards the exercise deck.

The sun was hot as I exited the changing rooms and began a light jog around the small track. A pink baseball cap shielded my eyes and head from the sun. The cap had been another of my resourceful mother’s purchases as she had set me up. She had even had the cheek to by one emblazoned with the crest of my favourite football team but of course in the ladies version. Mother’s are so devious I thought as I picked the pace up a bit my trainers pounding on the boards as I completed another lap.

Ten minutes later I was back in the gym and doing some sit ups. My concentration was not fully on the task my mind being drawn back to last night. It disturbed me in some way, I had no proof that anything had gone on between Mum, Avril and the guy’s but it still bothered me. I mean Avril can flirt and fuck whoever she likes but my Mum that’s another story. My Dad was at home trying to save the life of two young girls not much older than me and she was acting like this like she had forgotten him. I mean as far as I knew I don’t think she had even called him. One thing was for sure I needed to give Dad a call and see how things were at home.

***********************

I spent the afternoon by the pool. It was not as hot as yesterday so dressed in a one piece red swimsuit with a white wrap round skirt I stretched out on a sun lounger with a book and passed the day reading.
There was no sign of either Avril or my mother which troubled me a bit but then there were several sun decks on the ship and they could have been on any one of them. Hours passed, glancing at the little gold plated watch Mum had thoughtfully provided for me I noted that it was just before five so sliding my book back in my shoulder bag I got up and headed back to my room to get ready for my meeting that night with Mhari.

Back at my room I knocked on Mum’s door just to check on them, Avril opened it.

“Hi stranger where you been all day?” she asked.

“Just relaxing with a book, where’s Mum”

“She’s in the shower.”

“Where were you all day?” I enquired.

“Oh we met another couple from Scotland we were up on their deck just chatting, why?”

“No reason, just wondered.”

“You are coming for dinner with us tonight?”

“Eh yeah but then I need to go and meet Mhari a girl I met at the gym yesterday for a drink.”

“Fine we’ll just party by our self” she said a disturbing little glint in her eye.

“Ok, see you in about an hour” I said turning my back and heading out of the cabin. This bitch was trouble I thought to myself as I crossed the walkway to my cabin.

Tossing my bag into the corner I picked up the TV remote and scanned the channels to see if there were any news programmes. Finding the BBC station I watched on to see if there were any developments back home. Nothing other than the usual update saying there were no new leads on the missing girl and no shots of dad so I hit the shower.

An hour later I was ready, dressed in a slim fitting pastel blue dress with matching 3 inch heels. I transferred my things to a white leather clutch bag and left the cabin. Just as I stepped out Mom and Avril came out of their room looking like two tarts in heat. Mom had an alarming tight short black dress on with a slit up the side and black heels which must have been fully five inches high. Avril on the other hand had a purple lycra type dress on with a black leather panel down each side and heels just as high as Moms.

“Eh you both look smart” I lied.

“Thanks dear” Mom replied.

Avril looked over, “You could have been a bit more adventurous, I mean you’ll never pull like that” she said winking at Mom. They both laughed as they turned and clip, clopped of leaving me to follow behind wondering what the punishment was for throwing someone overboard!

***************************

We made our way to the Balcony Restaurant and found a table overlooking one of the decks below. We sat in silence each scanning the menu as the waiter delivered two glasses of wine for Mom and Avril and a glass of mineral water for me. There starting early I thought to myself but at least there was no sign of the guys they were with last night, but then the night was early and I was not going to be with them all night which concerned me a good deal.

Mom broke the silence “What are you having Tracey” she asked.
“Just an egg salad” I replied.

“You watching your figure” was the instant retort from Avril.

I just smiled and closed the menu lifting my drink and taking a sip before opening my clutch bag and taking out my cigarettes. I lit one inhaling deeply, my lips gripping it so tight with my increasing anger at Avril and her bitchy comments. The thing was though as much as I hated her comment an aspect of it was right. Two weeks ago before all this I would have been first to claim the rather large cheeseburger and chips that the guy was eating at the table across from us or a large steak, but since I had become Tracey I had noted that my food intake both in portion size and in what I ate had definitely altered. Finishing my cigarette I crushed it out in the ashtray just as our food arrived.

Dinner was to its usual high standard, I had noticed however that there had been a noticeable increase in alcohol intake by both Mum and Avril. By the time I was preparing myself to leave then a bottle of red wine had already gone and another was on its way.

“I better go and meet up with Mhari” I said as I rose from the table.

“Have a nice evening” Mum said as I stepped away from the table.

“Don’t wait up” was Avril’s parting shot as I turned and walked away.

The ships decks were busy as I made my way across the boat some passengers just heading out for their evening meal while others were already heading for either the cinema or the cabaret show. I was meeting Mhari at a small bar/club on the far side of the ship. Finding the bar I poked my head inside scanning the couple of dozen people I could not see her so I spotted a small smoking area just along from the ship and decided to have a quick cigarette while I waited. I sat down and lit up blowing some smoke rings into the quickly darkening skies.

“Hi gorgeous” a voice from behind me said.

“Chris, are you stalking me or something” I asked.

“Would it bother you if I was” he replied with a cheeky grin. “You going into Decks” he said pointing to the bar behind.

“Yeah I’m waiting on Mhari a girl I met on board were just going for a couple of drinks and a bit of girly chat” I replied as I took a draw from my cigarette.

“I’m off duty soon and would love to join you but I’ve been on since 5 this morning and I’m shattered”

“Yeah I’m sure you would like to join us but you’re not allowed are you” I said with a playful grin spreading across my face.

“No your right I’m not, but I’m still taking you out for the day in Barcelona” he replied.

“Well”

“Well, well nothing you’re coming and that’s final no arguments we will just have a fun day and be back in time for dinner, ok.”

“Eh Ok” I nodded.

“Good” he stepped forward and bending forward he planted a light kiss on my forehead. “See you Sunday babes and be good” he said as he walked off.

“Tracey” a voice called.

Looking up I saw Mhari approaching.

“You’re a dark horse, landing one of the crew already” she said smiling as she approached.

“Oh, Chris he’s just someone I met when I was having a smoke on deck the other night”

“Looks nice, can you get me one as well” she said with a giggle.

“Let’s go” I said taking her arm and leading her towards the club door.

*********************************************

Our evening was a nice one the music was good we had a few drinks and a good girly chat. We mixed with a few other passengers single and couples we danced laughed and just enjoyed the night. For me it worked a treat as it kept my mind of what might be going on with Mum and Avril while I was out of sight.

“You going ashore tomorrow” Mahri asked as we strolled along the deck on the way back to our cabins.

“Don’t know what mom and Avril are doing.”

“Come with me then, my parents are history freaks they have a couple of museum’s lined up to visit, I just want to hit a few shops.”

I stopped by the rail looking out over the ocean and lit a cigarette “Maybe, but only if you come ashore with me when we dock in Barcelona.”

“Why”

“Well you met Chris tonight well he’s……”

“He’s asked you on a date” she squealed excitedly.

“It’s not a date he just kind of pressured me into it, I’ve not really said yes yet” I said taking a deep drag on the menthol cigarette I blew the smoke out over the ocean.

“But don’t you just want to get him on your own.”

“No I don’t,” I said aware of the fact that a blush was spreading on my face and hoping that Mhari would not see it.

“Well I don’t know I mean three’s a crowd”

“Look that’s the deal I said I come ashore with you tomorrow and you come with me in Barcelona”

She looked at me and smirked “Ok might be fun watching him make his move on you, just tell me when you want me to make myself scarce” she giggled and playfully pushed my arm.

“We have a deal”

“Yes we have a deal” she replied as we continued on our way back to our cabins.

Mhari and I parted soon after with arrangements to meet around midday for our on-shore excursion. Walking along the corridor to my cabin I paused outside Mom’s cabin, should I check if they were back, would that seem like stalking? I paused wondering whether to knock the door or just walk on by. Finally I decided to leave it after all what had happened last night had concerned me enough without any further evidence. The sound of a couple of other passengers descending the stairs behind made up my mind I slipped along the corridor and opened my own cabin and stepped inside closing the door behind me.

“Guess I’ll just have to wonder” I said out loud to myself and began to get ready for bed.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 4

I pounded the last couple of laps of the running track, stepping over to the rail I bent over clutching my side breathing in the sea air. It was a lovely sunny morning not too warm but bright with a light breeze which gently moved my pony tail. My pony tail I thought just a few days ago I was plain Michael McWilliams and now here I was on a cruise ship with a girls tee-shirt and shorts and very girly white trainers with pink flashes. I had got used to the bounce my fake breasts made as I ran the feeling of my pony tail swishing and the one inch hooped earring’s bumping into my cheek in such a short time it all seemed so natural now.

I looked across the water at Cadiz our port of call for the day the ship was already in the final stages of docking. I could see several cruise ship workers busily readying us for tying up and the disembarking of the passengers for a day’s shopping or sightseeing. In truth Cadiz looked really lovely an armada of small boats in a bay the city spread out into the water on a narrow peninsula. Domed building’s reflected the sun. It all looked so picture perfect and I was looking forward to our day ashore.

Picking up my water bottle and towel I took a sip of water and wiped some small beads of sweat from my forehead. Another couple of passengers pounded past me on the track a breathless “Good Morning” came from them as I walked back towards the entrance back down through the gym and onto the decks below.

As I left the gym Mhari was on her way in.

“Morning Tracey”

“Hi babes, ready for our day ashore” I asked.

“Yip, is your Mum and Avril coming as well”

“Don’t know I was up early this morning so I’ve not seen them”

“Your date tomorrow getting you all excited” she playfully asked.

I blushed “Yeah ok, but your still coming” I replied as she passed me.

“See you around 11” she called back as the door swung closed behind her and I walked back to my cabin.

Back in my cabin I took a quick shower and dried my hair. I slipped on an underwired white lacy bra with matching panties. I sat down at the dresser and worked on my makeup, just light day foundation a dusting of powder and a little pale blush. I dusted my eyelids with a cream eye shadow with a darker brown in the corner of the eye. A quick application of some mascara and then a nude lipstick on my lips and I was ready to finish dressing.

I picked a gypsy style white skirt it was wide and flowing with an elasticated waist. It had a laced pattern panel across the hem of the skirt and a narrow line of sequins ran in a hoop around the whole skirt about 3 inches above the hem. For my top I choose spaghetti strapped top which had pleats running down it in a rather nice coral shade and slipped it over my head letting it fall over my body. I tucked the top into the skirt and finished off with a plain white bolero type shirt which I tied in a neat bow across my midriff. I anticipated a bit of walking around today so I slipped on a pair of flat sandals the strap fitting snuggly between my toes I was ready for the day’s adventure.

Leaving my cabin my first stop was back to the mall to replenish my stock of VS cigarettes, that task completed I headed to the gangway to await my fellow companions for the day. Mhari was first to turn up in a rather nice yellow sun dress with flat sandals like mine with a leather strap across the toes decorated in little yellow and pink flowers.

“Good run this morning” I asked as we kissed each other on the cheek and had a short hug.

“Yeah it was good not busy nice and quiet and not too warm either, no sign of the others” she asked.

“No I’ve not seen them all morning I skipped breakfast and never went to their cabin so no idea what they got up to last night” I replied.

“Their relationship seems to bother you” Mhari asked.

“It’s just well you know mum’s a married woman, Avril’s a single party girl, and I just don’t want her leading mum astray” I said pulling a cigarette from the pack and lighting it I blew a cloud of smoke to the sky.

“Married women can have fun as well, look at my mum she’s has friends they all enjoy a good night out once your married you don’t have to become a nun” Mhari said a bit sternly.

“I suppose” I replied taking another draw on my cigarette and looking aimlessly across the dock.

“Anyway here they come” Mhari said casting a glance down the deck she waved.

I looked along the deck my mouth dropped a bit, just what the fuck did Avril have on or more importantly what was she not wearing!!

“Morning girls sleep well,” mum said as they reached us, “Never saw you at breakfast “she went on looking at me.

“Eh no I skipped breakfast” I somehow said while my eyes sort of trained on Avril.

“Let’s go” Mhari said as we began to disembark the ship.

I let them pass and followed on in the rear, my eye’s still trained on Avril, she had a cropped top on just a band really across her chest the jiggle of her breasts as she moved confirmed for me without checking that there was no bra under there. Her shorts well how can I describe them they were black leather so tight around the crotch and the back had a lace panel in pink and white nothing could be seen but that didn’t matter too much as they were so tight part of her arse cheeks popped out one side at a time as she walked down along the shore. There’s a saying in my country mutton dressed as lamb this was definitely one of those cases and while a teenager might have got away with such a get up Avril was a bit too old for such an outfit, today might be a long day, Avril was out to get attention I thought, just as the first wolf whistle from the dockers split my eardrums.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Cadiz was lovely a maze of narrow streets, it seemed as if they had tried to pack as much as possible onto the small peninsula. The “Old Town” in particular had a typically Spanish charm about it packed with little shops, café’s, bustling with people. I had tried to put Avril’s attire out of my mind but with locals and tourists alike casting frequent glances at her as we walked along the narrow street’s it was hard to do. Mhari by this time had sensed my disgust at Avril,

“Just ignore it” she said as Mum and Avril checked out a small shop.

“I’m trying” I replied “But I mean”

“She does have a good figure” Mhari said as she looked across at them.

“I’m not saying she doesn’t but there is a limit” I replied pulling a cigarette from my bag and lighting up. “I mean even I wouldn’t wear shorts like that so at her age” I asked gesturing towards her my cigarette clasped between my outstretched fingers.

Mhari laughed a bit “Jealousy is a wonderful thing” she said shaking her head at me as I pulled a face and took a draw from my cigarette.

With Mum and Avril back in the group we decided we had seen enough of “Old Cadiz” and grabbed a taxi down into the “New Town.” The shops were larger and more fashionable lots of what were probably chain stores in Spain as well as a few more high class designer stores. Strolling along we reached what looked like one of the more exclusive fashion boutiques. All four of us going inside for a look around we mingled among the rows of dresses and skirts, shirts etc. Each one of us moving around, looking at items that took our eye.

The silence was shattered by “Tracey come here a minute dear” it was Mom calling from somewhere near the back of the shop. I looked around spotting her and Avril and walked over.

“That would look absolutely stunning on you” my Mom said pointing to a dress on a mannequin just in front of her I looked at the dress, it had a black top with one shoulder strap on the right shoulder at first it looked like the top was latex but then I realised it was just a shiny soft leather. The leather ran to the waist where it joined a straight skirt with what I later realised had a split up the left leg to about mid- thigh.

“Go and try it on Tracey it’s just your size” Mom said.

“I think it looks more like Avril’s type of thing” I said with an edge of sarcasm.

“Don’t be silly dear, Avril’s taller than you it would be too short for her” Mom said flashing a smile at Avril as I squirmed.
“Yeah Tracey try it on I’ve not treated you to anything yet” Avril said looking me right in the eye.

“No it’s ok” I said

“Nonsense” Avril said picking up one from the rail beside “Here try it on” she thrust it towards me; I looked for help glancing at Mhari she just raised her eyes a bit and left me to squirm.

I took the dress from Avril and looked around spotting what I assumed was a changing room I headed over and stepped inside. I hung it up on the hanger and looked at it. Mom and Avril were right it was stunning in fact if I had been back home it is just the type of dress Michael McWilliams would have dreamed of owning if not even getting the chance to wear it.

I undressed and quickly got myself into the new dress carefully smoothing it down as I looked in the mirror I could feel a stirring in my lower loins, not now I said trying to calm my heart rate as I closed the last half inch of the zip. The soft leather felt exhilarating against my skin as I moved out of the changing room and into view.

“Oh it is absolutely just gorgeous and fits so well” my Mom said as I stood like some sort of prize animal on show. She fussed around me straightening a bit there tugging a little there in the background I could see Mhari and Avril exchanging a couple of words a smile creeping across Avril’s face as she watched me suffer a bit more.

“We will take it” my Mom announced to a middle aged shop assistant who had edged into view.

“No Mom really I saw the price it’s quite expensive” I said as I tried to get out of it.

“Don’t be silly Avril’s buying” she said “It’s not often she opens her purse” My Mom said winking at a laughing Avril “Now go and get changed” she said as she edged me back to the dressing room.

I walked back in not only was I now the proud owner of a stunning dress I also had that bitch to thank for buying it sometimes life just sucks.

Several minutes later having kissed Avril on the cheek, and expressed my thanks, we were heading along the main shopping area. Me of course I’m in rather a foul mood having to kiss Avril and thank her got under my skin, it’s just a matter of course now everything Avril does gets under my skin.

Avril and Mom caught up with us “Hey what about a spot of lunch and a drink before we head back to the ship” my Mom asked.

“Eh think I’ll skip lunch” I said.

“Skip breakfast, skip lunch that dress will soon be too big for you,” Avril said.

I drew her a look ignoring the dig I went on “No really I wanted to see Santa Catalina Castle, it’s in one of the James Bond films” I said. I wasn’t lying I did really want to see it and it seemed an ideal opportunity to get away for a bit.

“It’s ok, I’ll go with her” Mhari said looking towards the others.

“You sure” mom said.
“Yeah I’ll see you back at the ship for dinner” I said turning away from the group.

Me and Mhari found a taxi I asked the driver to take us to the castle, the journey was silent with me looking out the window trapped in my thoughts still a bit upset with Avril and her constant digs at me.

Finally we reached the Castle we got out and headed inside I pulled out my camera and began taking a few shots while Mhari held my bags. Once I had taken my fill of pictures I went back to Mhari.

“Want to talk about it,” she said

“What”

“Come on you’ve been antsy since we left those two behind. Here let’s get a seat over there in the sun and you can have a cigarette to cool off or something, I’ll get us a coke or something from that little gift shop we passed.”

I walked over and sat down on my own pulling out my cigarettes I lit one and inhaled trying to let the smoke invade my brain and wipe out Avril.

Mhari was back just as I crushed out the ciggie.

She handed me the can and I opened it taking a swig of the cool liquid a single drop running down my chin.

“Look here’s the way I see it” Mhari began, “You have been on board since Sunday, right” I nodded.

“Ok so we are now at Thursday, we are at sea tomorrow and in Barcelona on Saturday and Sunday. We are back at sea on Sunday night and dock on Tuesday when you leave the ship on Tuesday, right?” she asked again I nodded.

“Ok so given that you will probably need Monday to revert then why are you letting Avril ruin your last three days?”

I heard what she said but it didn’t quite register at first.

My heart was beating so fast it felt it would burst from my chest.

“She told you didn’t she” I shouted a slight tear coming from one eye. “The bitch I knew it back in the shop that little snide conversation the fucking bitch” I shouted.

Mhrai grabbed my wrist “Calm down Tracey look people are watching” she said.

I glanced around a couple of tourists looked over at the two British girls having an argument.

“Sit down” she said again.

I sat reached for my bag and pulled out the cigarettes my fingers trembled as I pulled one out and put it in my lips I fumbled for the lighter tried to get it to work a tear tracking it’s way down my cheek.

“Here let me” Mahri said taking the lighter from me she flicked it into life and lit my cigarette.
“Can I have one?” she asked.

“You don’t smoke” I said as I exhaled.

“I do sometimes” she took one out and lit it.

“How did you know then” I asked.

“Well I was on deck when you came aboard I saw Avril and your Mom and low and behold there was a boy pushing their luggage”

“So you’ve known all along.”

“Well not really the first morning I met you in the gym I just took you as Tracey it was only when I saw you all together I put two and two together” she stopped taking a draw of the cigarette.

“So why did you not say anything, and did it not scare you here was a guy dressing up as a girl, bit spooky is it not” I asked.

“It’s your life, so tell me then do you do it all the time?”

I went on to tell her about my arrival on ship with only girl’s clothes my first day transformation and how I had been caught by Mom and Avril before.

“I can see why you maybe hate Avril so much” she said taking out another cigarette and lighting it. “But this must be a dream come true for someone with your feeling’s” she said.

I smiled “I suppose it’s more than that, it’s been the chance of a lifetime but don’t you find it strange does it not shock you” I asked.

“You’ve not travelled much have you” she asked blowing a cloud of smoke to the floor.

“Not really this is just me second time abroad the other was when I was seven”

“Well my Dad’s travelled most of his life sometimes we stay at home other times we go with him, your what 18” she asked I nodded.

“Well I’m 23 soon and when I was about 17 he had a year in London, I spent about 6 month’s down there with him, trust me you see it all in London there’s clubs gay bars you run into a few Crossdressers or Transsexuals from time to time. Then when I was 21 he was posted to Thailand, Bangkok, I’m sure you know all about that place with your interests.” she asked, I nodded.

“Well I met hundreds of Lady Boy’s while I was out there I even slept with one, one night.”

This time it was me to look shocked I grabbed a cigarette and lit it.

“You slept with one, are you gay or what”

“No I’m most definitely bi-sexual I mean after all the Lady boys have a cock, but they are so stunning some are far more beautiful than the women out there and a lot more available.” She went on “Anyway I like women I like guys I like both” she said squeezing my arm.

I tensed a bit “Look its ok I’m not hitting on you, you’re not my type Tracey or oh what is your real name anyway?”

“Michael” I said softly.

“Ok Tracey Michael you’re not my type, well maybe Michael might be, but I doubt it as I usually go for big muscular Rugby playing types or guy’s with really big cock’s and I guess no insult intended that you are neither as you seem so flat down there.”

I blushed a bit “Well I’ve played rugby but you might be right about the other thing.”

She laughed a bit “Anyway if I wanted anyone in your party it would be Avril she is so hot she could have her head stuck between my legs anytime”

I blushed again “Too much information” I said.

Mhari looked at her watch “Look I think we better head back and it doesn’t matter you secret is safe with me and I just want you to relax and enjoy the rest of the trip after all as you said it’s the chance of a lifetime.”

I smiled and looked at her I reached in and kissed her on the cheek.

“Thanks for that” I said.

“No problem, we still friends” I nodded “Ok let’s get going”

We stood and walked towards the exit to the castle as we did Mhari took my hand and squeezed it I looked at her and smiled as we walked hand in hand to the taxi rank.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 5

I woke with a slight start a noise outside in the corridor, it passed. I looked at the clock just gone 8am.

Yesterday had been a strange day it had started so well, I had really been looking forward to Cadiz and my trip ashore. The end though with Mhari confirming her knowledge of my true gender had knocked me a bit sideways.

We had come back to the ship by taxi from our visit to Santa Catalina Castle, there was little in the way of conversation and only a brief hug goodbye once we re-boarded the ship. I had intended to go back to my cabin and freshen up before dinner I mean I had eaten nothing all day. Back in the cabin I had flicked through the TV channels finally finding BBC News and managed to catch a brief segment which said that Dad’s case was still on-going and that the police were following a new line of enquiry. I so hoped that he would get a happy ending to it and find the two missing girls.

I sat on the bed tiredness seemed to sweep over me I lay down for a few seconds just to rest a little, maybe it was the stress of my showdown with Mhari or indeed just the events of the last 5 days that were catching up with me but sleep came quickly. It was about 4 hours later when I woke up again I looked at the clock, it was nearly 10pm too late for dinner now but I was famished. I looked around the room managed to come up with a couple of packets of those little complimentary biscuits, I made a coffee and ate the biscuits.

I finished the night by popping out on deck for a cigarette there was a slight chill in the air I could see some lights on the shoreline as the ship sailed on having left Cadiz. I lit my cigarette and leaned over the rail of the ship, I’m not sure why but emotion took over and I could feel myself start to cry. I must have been sobbing a bit too loud suddenly a male voice said,

“Are you ok dear?”

I turned a middle aged couple stood in front of me, my hand went to my eye’s it wiped away a tear I could see a mascara smudge on my finger.

“Eh, yes, I’m fine, eh boyfriend trouble” I quickly spouted out thinking on my feet.

“Oh we all have that dear” the lady said “I mean look at what I ended up” with she said she jokingly said nudging her husband.

“Yeah that’s right you girls stick together” he said.

“No I’m fine really thanks for stopping” I said.

“If you’re sure then” she said

“Yeah I’ll be fine, have a good night” I said as they started back on their way along the deck.

I took a final drag of my cigarette and extinguished it and headed back to my cabin, half an hour later I was back in dreamland.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I lay there thinking about what Mhari had said to me yesterday, I was confident that she would keep my secret to herself and that she would still be a friend for the rest of the trip. But everything she had said was correct here I was living the dream, something that I could never have thought possible just ten days ago. Up until then there had been snatched opportunities to let Tracey out of her box. Now here was Tracey living a day to day life and I was letting Avril ruin part of it for me.

At best I probably had 3-4 days left before Tracey would be packed away back into her box and who knows when she would be let back out again. Probably never in as up front a setting as this so it was time to get on with it and make the most of the next few days.

I slipped out from the warm covers and pulled the small nightdress I was wearing over my head dropping it on top of the bed. I looked down at the body I had been living in for the last few days the breasts that would soon be gone, today was a new day. I opened my drawer and took out some fresh plain undies, on the radiator by my bed was a sports bra I had washed it was dry so I pulled it over my chest and then looked for a top and shorts for today’s gym visit. Once dressed I freshened up my appearance in the mirror a quick brush of my hair, tie it back into its pony tail and then grabbing a towel and a water bottle I left the cabin to begin a new day.

The gym was quiet when I arrived; I filled my water bottle from the cooler in the corner and began with some stretching exercises before I did 10 minutes or on some weights before heading out into the morning sun. Mhari had already beaten me too it and was on the small track I waved across as she made her way round to me.

“Morning you ok” I asked as I joined her on her run.

“Yeah fine you sleep ok” she asked.

“Yeah I just flaked out when I got back to the room, dunno must have been all of yesterday getting to me”

“Well you know you can trust me?” she asked.

“I know and thanks, and you were right I am letting Avril ruin it a bit but no more.”

“Good girl now let’s pick up the pace a bit and I will race you a couple of laps” with that she was off and I was left to catch her up.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Our workout for the day complete I left Mhari agreeing to meet in a couple of hours to do some sun worshipping up by the pool on the top deck. I took a quick shower back in the cabin and changed into a tight yellow one piece swimsuit. I pulled a pair of white linen shorts over it and then tidied up my hair and makeup, before slipping on a pale yellow sun shirt leaving it open at the front I stepped into a pair of flat sandals and picked up my bag and a novel and headed for breakfast.

I spotted Mom and Avril as soon as I stepped out of the cabin.

“You going for Breakfast” I called.

“Yes dear, want to join us”

I nodded and followed them along the deck till we reached one of the numerous restaurants that opened for breakfast. We waited in line while several other passengers made their choice from the self-service buffet that was available. I picked up a tray and took a small box of breakfast cereal with a carton of milk, there were small bowls of freshly cut fruit so I helped myself to a bowl with peaches and pears in it before taking yoghurt and a bottle of water. The three of us walked over and took a table at the front of the restaurant overlooking the front of the ship. From there you could see the power of the ship white waves spreading off each side as it cut its way through the water.

“What did you get up to last night Avril” asked as she opened her cereal.

“Actually it was pretty boring I was so tired after Cadiz I just fell asleep in the room and by the time I woke up it was too late to do anything, what did you do ?.

“Not a lot had a few drinks, had a few more, picked up a couple of guys and had wild passionate sex.” Avril said.

I almost choked on my first spoonful of breakfast.

“Ignore her Tracey, we just had dinner and a couple of glasses of wine” Mom said drawing a smirking Avril a look as she squeezed my hand.

“So what are you up to today” Mom asked.

“Just chilling on the sun deck with Mhari, nothing much what about you two” I asked.

“Don’t know maybe catch a movie or have a swim, you joining us for dinner tonight?”

“Maybe I’ll let you know later on” I said finishing of my breakfast I picked up my dishes and got up. “Enjoy your movie or swim I’ll catch you both later” I went on.

“Ok have a good day” Mom said as I walked off.

Leaving my dishes on the server, I headed back to my room stopping off for a cigarette I eventually got back to my room and flicked on the TV looking for an update on Dad’s case there was nothing so I switched off the TV and picking up a novel I had been reading I dropped it in my bag and grabbed a towel before heading to the sundeck to meet Mhari.

The sun deck was crowded already by the time I got there I spotted Mhari near the back and went to join her. She was already relaxing on a sun-lounger.

“Hi babes here I reserved you a lounger” she said as I got to her.

“Thanks it’s busy up here” I said.

I sat down and slipped of my shirt and dropped it on the lounger, standing I unbuttoned the shorts and stepped out of them before folding both garments and storing them under the lounger with my bag I kept the towel and my novel with me before settling back on the warm canvas.

“Let’s hope it’s a nice quiet day” I said.

“I’ll second that” Mhari said as we began our day of relaxation.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The day passed exactly as we had planned, a couple of trips over to the bar to collect cool drinks and some ice cream otherwise we spent the day side by side. The events of yesterday were as if nothing had happened to any onlookers watching on all they saw were two girls relaxing in the sun, sometimes chatting sometimes quite but nothing other than that.

I glanced at my watch it was nearly half past three. I turned to look at Mhari who had nodded off about 20 minutes ago.

“Mhari you awake” I asked.

“Yeah sorry I just dozed for a bit there”

“Are we doing anything tonight” I asked.

“Sorry babes I can’t Dad has wangled us a place at the Captains Table tonight so I’m booked for the evening”

“Oh very posh” I said reaching over and poking her in the arm with my book.

“Yeah well what can I say, not that I’m looking forward to it that much mixing with a few snobs probably over dressed and talking rubbish but there we go.”

“So we will still be ok for our trip tomorrow” I asked nervously.

“Yeah don’t worry I’ll be good and won’t overdo the free wine, I’ll get you at the usual place. Have you seen or heard from Chris about tomorrow.” She asked.

“No I think I saw him over by the Bar earlier today”

“You looking forward to it” she asked shielding her eyes from the sun as she looked over at me.

“In a way” I said.

“Well just remember play it cool, he has no idea about you and personally I think you should keep it that way if you know what I mean”

“I intend to, just a day ashore with friends, nothing more” I said.

Mahri stretched and got up from the lounger.

“I better make a move, need to make myself look glamorous for tonight” she said striking a little pose as she picked up her towel and water bottle.

“Well enjoy your night and I’ll see you tomorrow” I said as she playfully blew a kiss at me and walked towards the staircase back to her deck.

I stayed on for another half hour or so before heading back to my cabin I guess it was a night with Mom and Avril for me.

Opening the cabin door I stepped inside not noticing a first a piece of paper lying on the floor. I dropped my stuff on the bed and looked in the mirror untying my pony tail I ran my fingers through my hair and yawned, it had not been an energetic day but sometimes the sun drains you of energy.

Turning I spotted the folded bit of paper I picked it up and opened it;

Hi Princess

Saw you on deck today catching some sun you looked hot !!!

Looking forward to our day out tomorrow, as you know crew and passengers are not really supposed to mix so I will meet you on shore.

There is a Bar not that far from the dock it’s called “La Fonda” if you need to ask directions it’s at Del Port Olympic by the Mal De Mestral. I will meet you there around 11.00.

See you then Princess.

Chris xxx

I pushed the not into a drawer and began to undress in one way I was looking forward to tomorrow in another I was apprehensive. At least though I would have Mhari there as chaperone so if anything got out of hand I did have some back-up. For now though it was time to get ready and a night of putting up with Avril.

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After a shower I pulled on a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt and padded across the corridor to check on Mum and Avril. I knocked on the door there was no answer I tried the handle it was open. Pushing open the door I stepped inside.

“Mum” I called out.

The bathroom was just on your right as you walked in I could hear water running the shower probably.
“Mum you in there” I called again.

“Yes dear just taking a shower have a seat I’ll be out in a couple of minutes.”

I walked into the room the two single beds were off to the right, lingerie was strewn across both beds, I sat down picking up a couple of pieces and folding them they didn’t look like Moms probably Avril I thought as the bra looked too big for Mum I sat and waited.

A few minutes later Mum appeared a towel wrapped around her body and head.

“You ok” she asked as she crossed over and placed a kiss on my forehead.

“Yeah fine, I just wanted to find out when you were going up to dinner tonight; Mhari is having dinner at the Captains Table tonight so….”

“Oh very nice” Mum said as undid the towel around her head and began to dry her hair.

“Me and Avril are going to go along to that old fashioned theme pub in the Mall; they do some traditional British dishes so we figured we would try it out and then have a few drinks then maybe head up to the top deck bar for another couple before bed.”

“Fine by me” I said as I heard the door opening and Avril stepped inside.

“Tracey’s” going to join us tonight” Mum said, turning to look at Avril as she walked across the room.

Avril just smiled and sat on the other side of the bed from me.

“We will see you at the Mall around 8” Mum said.

“Yeah no problem I’ll go and relax a bit then meet you there” I said rising from the bed I walked across the room.

“Ok see you then dear”

Leaving the cabin I checked my watch I had at least an hour or so to spare before I needed to get ready, I grabbed my purse and cigarettes from my room and slipping on some sandals set off to call Dad.

After a quick cigarette I found the phone booths and put in a call back home the phone rang.

Dad answered some noise in the background voices a male then a female.

“Dad you ok, it’s Michael” I said.

“Yeah fine champ” whose there I asked.

“Just me and a few other officers we came home to grab a bite to eat before going back in” he said.

“Any progress” I asked.

“Can’t say anything mate just let’s say I’m a bit happier today than I was yesterday I have a feeling this might be over soon”

“Good”

“You having a good time on holiday”

“Yeah it’s been cool, I’m just about to head back to get ready for dinner” I said.

“Well you keep those two in check” he said as the noise in the background got a bit louder.

“I will, and good luck hope you get a result soon” I said.

“So do I mate so do I now take care that’s another couple of my guy’s turned up so I better get back to the kitchen before they clean me out”

“Ok Dad take care” I said putting the receiver back.

I strolled along the deck for a few minutes then headed back to the cabin. What would my night with Avril be like tonight?

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Back in my cabin I got ready for the night ahead, I stripped out of my underwear and found a fresh pair of white cotton panties I pulled them up my smooth legs and sat at the dresser. I had already decided on my dress for the night. Mom’s thoughtfulness before the holiday meant that the red dress I had so lusted after all those weeks back at home was in my case and now safely in my wardrobe.

I applied some fresh foundation and a liberal dusting of some powder. It’s amazing how quickly you can apply makeup when you become more used to it. Fifteen minutes later I had quite dramatically outlined my eyes and used two colours of blue eye shadow to blend a nice evening look. My lashes were coated in mascara and my lips a scarlet red as I finished off by coating my lips with some light clear gloss. I took a bottle of matching red nail varnish from my makeup bag and began painting my extended nails, another 15 minutes and nails dry it was time to get fully dressed.

The dressed slipped on a bit easier than my first wearing which was probably down to the increased exercise I had recently and the fact that I had been eating mostly rabbit food on this voyage. I closed the clasp at the neck and tied the tiers leaving a couple of inches to drop down my bare back. I adjusted the front to ensure that I was covered down there. This dress did not allow for a bra so it was important I was adequately covered. Happy with the look I selected a pair of red three inch heels (another of my Mom’s thoughtful purchases) and pulled them on to my feet standing I straightened the front of the dress as it fell to an inch or so above my ankles.

Picking up a black leather clutch bag I dropped in my cigarettes plus a fresh pack my lighter and a few make up items so that I could freshen up during the night, the last being a rather nice perfume Mum had provided which I liberally sprayed over my neck and wrists before dropping it in the bag.. I was ready for the evening ahead, flicking off the light switch I closed the cabin door and headed towards the Mall to meet Mum and Avril.

I stopped outside the Mall for a quick cigarette before stepping inside, it didn’t take me long to locate Mom and Avril in a traditional English style Pub. Mom waved from both by the back as I walked over to join them. Drinks were already on the table as I arrived.

“Can I get you both another drink” I asked as I reached the table.

“No I’ll get you one” Mom said rising from her seat she passed me on route to the bar.

I slid into the booth Avril opposite me.

“That’s a nice dress, it suits you” Avril said smiling at me.

“Thanks” I replied.

“I’m sure I’ve seen you wear it before” Avril said another smile breaking out on her face.

I blushed, FUCK, I mean how stupid could I have been thinking back to that day a couple of months ago when Avril walked in on me. I mean life is bad enough with her around without actually giving her bullets to fire!

I ignored it as Mom arrived back and placed a large glass of white wine in front of me I mumbled my thanks and took a drink from the glass.

“Let’s get something to eat, I’m famished” Mom said as she signalled for a waiter to come over.

The meal passed of quite normally after that I had a fantastic steak which crumbled in my mouth as I ate it. The conversation had been ok no more jibes just normal dinner talk as we enjoyed our meal. A few drink’s later we were ready to move on and we all left the bar to head upstairs to one of the bar / clubs.

“The Gallery Club” was on the fourth deck right at the front of the ship it was quiet when we arrived a few empty tables and with hardly anyone occupying the small dance floor. We chose our table and I visited the bar to get some drinks. Except for Avril’s one jibe earlier the night in truth was going reasonably well soon though that was to change.

We had been there around an hour and were on our second drink when Avril managed to catch the eye of two gentlemen sitting at a table close by. Soon they had joined us two Portuguese business men on a week’s break; both of them I would have said were in their early forties and keen for some company for the evening. Their command of English was superb so there was problems with understanding they wanted to have some fun for the night and at least from Avril’s reception of them so did we !!

Quite a few drinks later Avril had herself perched on one of the guy’s knees the other was keeping me and Mom entertained with lots of conversation, while some of it was witty and interesting a lot of it resolved around him and only him with little or no interest in us. Suddenly he gripped my hand and pulled me upwards.

“We dance” he said pulling me gently towards the dance floor.

I resisted shaking my head but he insisted, soon I was on the small dance floor as Madonna’s “Crazy for You” echoed across the deck. His hand rested on the small of my back as he guided me around the dance floor the other gently holding my other hand as we moved to the music.

As the song went on I glanced across at Mom she had a look of thunder on her face as she pulled a cigarette form her bag and lit it blowing smoke in the night air. Something was wrong but what I was not sure was it Avril’s behaviour as by this time she seemed to be trying to climb into the other guys ear or was it the fact that her son was being guided around the floor by a guy and she was left out. The music was reaching its closing bars so before he had the chance to insist on a repeat performance I dropped turned and while still holding his hand led him back to the table.

As we got back he insisted in buying another round of drinks I declined the offer but he headed off anyway I sat down beside Mom.

“You ok” I asked as another track started up.

“Yeah I’m fine darling” she replied crushing out her near finished cigarette in the ashtray.

“Listen I’m going to go, me and Mhari are hitting the town tomorrow; I suppose you two will be as well?” I asked.

“Yeah probably”

“Are you staying here” I asked.

“For a little while someone’s got to keep Avril in check” she said looking over my shoulder.

“Yeah I suppose so” I said picking up my bag and rising from the table.

“I’ll come in and see you in the morning” I went on, “Maybe we can have breakfast”

“Ok we’ll see, enjoy your day with Mhari if we don’t make it” she said as she got up and planted a kiss on my forehead.

I could see my dance partner begin to leave the bar and head back.

“Eh can you make my apologies for me” I said to Mom nodding in his direction.

“No problem dear you have a nice sleep and we will catch up tomorrow.”

“Thanks” I said turning and heading towards the stairs I began to head back towards my cabin. I made a brief stop on our deck for a final cigarette of the evening staring out over the dark sea I thought about tomorrow, glancing at my watch it was actually today. In a few hours I would be going on my first date well Mhari was coming as well but Chris was not really aware of that but it was a date of sorts and something just a few weeks ago was a fantasy way beyond my wildest dreams. Taking a final draw from my cigarette I extinguished it and walked back to the cabin. Tomorrow was going to be a big day.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 6

It was barely light when I woke up the next morning. From bed I reached out and grabbed the remote and switched on the TV. Flicking through the channels I looked for BBC News hoping there might be something about Dad. Nothing just the usual stuff employment problems issues with the economy stuff that probably should have interested me but didn’t.

I had hoped that given last night I had probably consumed more alcohol than was normal for me, that I would sleep a bit longer but call it excitement call it nerves about the day ahead I was wide awake and craving a cigarette. I slipped out of bed and checked my hair in the mirror, not too bad a few strokes from a hairbrush twist it into a ponytail and it looked ok. I pulled a tee shirt from the dresser and a pair of fresh shorts dressing quickly I slipped on some flat sandals and picking up my purse and cigarettes I slipped out of the cabin.

The deck was literally deserted a few crew staff making their way to their place of work for the day a couple of passengers I recognised heading towards the gym for their morning exercise. I found a smoking area and sat down pulling out a cigarette I lit it and coughed a little not the best way to start the day and not the way I usually would, but today I needed a hit to get me underway. Relaxing back I looked across at Barcelona where I would be spending the day.

Was it fear, was it excitement that was running though my veins this morning you decide. I was about to probably do something I never thought possible in the past. A date with a guy as Tracey, ok I had Mhari there as back up to keep me safe, my shield in case anything untoward went on, but it was still a big thing. I took a final draw from the cigarette and crushed it out. I couldn’t be bothered meeting up with Mom or Avril this morning from breakfast beside they were probably still sleeping of last night hangover and Mom had seemed in a funny mood last night. So I headed over to one of the breakfast bars deciding just to buy a couple of thing’s for breakfast. A few minutes later I was headed back to the safety of my cabin with some fresh fruit, cereal and fruit juice to prepare for the day ahead.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Time seemed to drag that morning but eventually it was tie to head off butterfly’s were performing high speed aerobatics’ in my stomach, or so it felt as I left the cabin. I had spent ages getting ready chopping and changing my mind on what I was going to wear, all the signs pointed to an excited girl on a date so I guess I was fitting the role well. Eventually after ages on my make-up I wore a white linen skirt not too tight or short but above the knee anyway, a cream camisole top with spaghetti straps and a white tie front shirt over it. To finish of the outfit I had a brown pleated belt and sandals I had worn before with ties that twisted up each leg to knee height. I got to the meeting point early and after the obligatory nervous cigarette I searched in my bag for some breath mints and after a liberal spray of perfume I awaited Mhari’s arrival.
“Hi stranger, missed you this morning” Mhari announced on her arrival.

“I gave it a miss this morning” I said taking a hold of her arm as we began to descend to the shore.

“You looking forward to the day” she asked as we walked to the port exit.

“I am but I’m glad that you are here for back up” I said.

“It will be fine and you look great by the way so let’s have fun” she said as she hailed flagged down a taxi.

Within five minutes we were walking towards the bar that Chris had agreed to meet me at. We walked inside I scanned the bar looking for him spotting him at a table by the side I waved.

“I’ll get us a drink, what do you want” Mhari asked.

“Just a coke” I said turning and heading towards Chris.

He got up and took my hand leaning forward he kissed my cheek.

“Hi Princess, did you find the place ok”

“No problem, look I hope you don’t mind Mhari coming along with us” I asked gesturing towards the bar.

I could see a slight look of disappointment in his face.

“Eh, no that’s fine, grab a seat” he said.

I slid into the table as Mhari came back.

We chatted away for about half an hour before Chris suggested we get the City Tour.

“The tour is good you can get off where you want then get back on, the coach leaves from just the other side of the dock from here”.

We both nodded our agreement and the three of us left the bar walking in a line to the departure point. Ten minutes later we were on the bus upstairs Chris sat by my side Mhari in front his arm along the back of the seat behind me as we pulled away from Port Olimpic.

We followed a route along the sandy seafront of Barcelona before heading in to the new technology area of the site with impressive new building’s. We passed historic buildings before we came to an urban park. From there it was back into the city and more historic architecture before we headed towards Catlunya Square. Chris suggested we got off there and take a walk down Las Ramblas before continuing the tour. We had been on route for about 40 minutes and it was getting close to noon. Chris suggested some lunch so we found a small café overlooking the square and sat admiring the buz and energy of the city. We ate a light lunch then headed down Las Ramblas, Chris took my hand Mahri immediately noticed it and I could see her raise her eyebrows as we walked along.

I was entranced by the sights and sounds of Las Ramblas, the stalls the street entertainers the beauty of the tree lined street all adding to the thrill of my day. I was aware Mhari had taken a few steps back and was very much just following us letting Chris and me lead the way hand in hand in fact to some observers she might not have even been with us. It was only as we stopped and paused to look at a stall or entertainer that the three of us were really together.

We both bought a couple of little items off a jewellery stall Mahri investing in a pair of cute earring’s while I bought a nice little bangle, Chris being the gentleman offered to pay for both but we declined as we made our way back up the street to the square.

The day was heating up back at Catlunya Square once more; Chris spotted a McDonalds and announced he was off to pick us up some drinks. Me and Mhari sat on the edge of a fountain. I opened my bag and took out my cigarettes.

“Can I have one as well” Mhari asked.

“Sure” I said offering her the open pack.

We lit up and sat waiting for Chris.

“So has your day been good so far” she asked.

“Yeah I’ve enjoyed it but I’m glad you are here for support” I added.

“He does like you” she said as she took a drag from her cigarette.

“Yeah I know but I would be willing to bet that he’s done all this before, another cruise another girl I’m not silly enough to think that there is anything special between us,” as I flicked some ash from the tip of my cigarette.

“Would you like it to go somewhere,” she asked.

“Well even if I did I can’t can I, I mean you know the truth, it’s just an experience that I never ever dreamed I would have, all those day’s dressing at home I could never have imagined to have been in a situation like this sitting here with you and on a type of date with a man,” slipping the cigarette between my lips I inhaled deeply.

“So what’s the future for Tracey” she asked.

“Who knows, in a couple of day’s I will be back home and all this will be over and it’s back to normal Michael.” I said taking a last draw of the cigarette I stood and stubbed it out on a bin.

“Hey you two grab a drink and let’s get over to the stop the bus will be here soon”

Chris had returned with three large cokes, we all grabbed one and headed over to the stop to begin our tour again.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Chris explained that the tour was two separate routes an east and west tour we would skip on to the other route now and see some other parts of the city. Upstairs the seating arrangement was the same Mhari in front me and Chris behind her.

We set off past Barcelona’s own version of the Arc De Triomf the tour guide announcing each site as we passed it the city zoo, a botanical garden, the Olympic Stadium, the main Railway station the tour went on.

“The Nou Camp” is next” Chris announced, “You girl’s into football want to get off and have a look around”

Now normally I would be the first down the stairs for the bit Tracey was different in fact it was Mhari that was out of her seat first and heading towards the stairs.

“Ok let’s go then babe” I said taking Chris’s hand we stood up and started towards the front of the bus. I could see the impressive huge stadium looming up in front of us. Mhari was just visible her head just disappearing down the stairs.

Suddenly there was a crash and a sudden squealing of pain.

“Mhari” I called.

“Here hold this Princess” Chris said handing me the remnants of his coke he moved quickly forward.

I reached the top of the stairs just behind him below I could see Mhari in a heap a tour guide already with her holding her hand.

“My leg” she said a grimace of pain on her face.

The bus had stopped and by now several passengers were crowded around the scene as I edged down the stairs. Gingerly someone helped her to her feet Chris supporting her back as she got up. She was helped from the bus I could see some blood coming from a slight gash on her arm. A Tour Guide and Chris guided her to a seat outside a café. Chris went inside as I got there.

“What happened” I asked.

“My heel just got caught in my skirt, and down I went” she said as she grimaced in some pain.

“I twisted my knee I think” she said as Chris came back with a large glass of water.

“Here drink this” he said putting it in front of her while he went to speak to the driver and Guide who were by the bus. Chris was speaking to them in a mixture of some English and some Spanish. Soon he came back over.

“Mhari they just want to know if you feel it was there fault if you are going to make any claim or not” he asked.

“No Chris it was just an accident it could have happened to any one” she said.

“Ok well they need to move on, but you need that leg checked out and that cut on your arm.”
“It’s not deep” she said.

“Fine do you want to go to a local hospital or just back to the ship and let the medical staff on board look at you?”

“Just back to the ship” she said.

“Right well I’ll just let them know and then I’ll get a taxi to take us back”

He walked back to the bus, soon it was gone and Chris was looking for a taxi to take us back. We both helped Mhari into the cab and then set off through the crowded streets back towards the port.

In less than 15 minutes we were on the stretch of road leading up to the entrance to the port.

Chris spoke to the driver in Spanish and he began to slow to a stop.

He turned to me “Look I need to get off you know what they are like about passengers and crew,” he said I nodded.

“When you get to the ship there will be someone at the gangway, just let them know about Mahri and they will bet a wheelchair to take her on board, ok” he said.

I nodded.

“Sorry it had to end like this Mhari” said.

“Not your fault, I had a great day girls and I’ll catch up with you on board Princess” he said as he opened the door and stepped out, handing the driver a few notes he gave him instructions and we moved off towards the ship.

Less than an hour later I had left the medical centre, Mhari had been seen by the doctor her knee strapped up and her cut cleaned and bandaged, she felt sore all over which the doctor had put down to the trauma of the fall and some shock. They had tried to reach her mum but she was onshore so they had told her to try and have a sleep. I stayed with her but she soon insisted that I just go back to my cabin and I could come and see her later so after some persuasion I left her and headed back along the deck.

Back in the cabin I dropped my bag on the bed and went to make myself a coffee. Passing the mirror I noticed blood all over the sleeve of my shirt which probably accounted for a couple of the strange looks I was getting walking along the deck. I pulled it off and filled the small sink with some water before immersing it in the sink to try and let it seep out of the fabric. I poured the coffee and opened a small milk
Portion and emptied it in, picking up the TV remote I switched it on and looked for the news channel. Stirring my coffee I settled back to watch some TV.

It was about ten minutes in, suddenly it was there a small news ticker at the base of the screen it read,

“Missing girls found alive in Scotland”

I sat bolt upright nearly spilling the remains of my coffee over myself, Dad’s case it had to be they had found them, the TV now had my undivided attention.
Two minutes later we had a news reporter on screen, what looked like a deserted Farmhouse fields all around, police officers car’s van’s all in the background activity going on behind. The reporter gave details of the discovery of the girls just an hour or so ago. Recorded pictures flashed on the scene pictures of Dad one leading one of the dishevelled looking girls towards an ambulance just behind a blonde WPC was with the other heading to a another ambulance parked alongside. The pictures continued a paramedic and helps Dad load the girl into the ambulance he follows her in the door closes the ambulance moves off the other only a minute behind both heading past the film crew and away to a local hospital.

The reporter continues brief details girls held in a cellar, police to reveal more details shortly, news conference to be held this evening, two men and a woman arrested then back to the pictures some local pictures of where the farm was, about 40 minutes from our house by car I estimated. The pictures went on I was so excited so proud Dad had found them well maybe not just him but they had cracked the case found them alive. I wanted to call him but knew it would be pointless, I needed to tell Mom, I got up pulled my sandals back on and left the cabin.

I never knocked just opened the door was just about to blurt out my excitement, a noise came from inside I stopped, the noise again it was a moaning, I grabbed the door as it swung shut for some reason I did not want it to make a noise when it closed. I gently let it rest, I listened again the moaning getting a little louder and more persistent, it was a person definitely I edged forward a bit the noise continued I was just about past the little wall that blocked the view of the rest of the room. I noticed some clothes scattered on the floor by the porthole. I edged forward a bit more the noise continued. I edged my head forward a bit to get a view. I could see the bed Avril was naked lying with her head back and eyes closed in some form of ecstasy. I looked again a hand covered her breast kneaded at her nipples; the hand had long red nails. I closed my eyes opened again a head came up a bit, my hand shot in front of my mouth. It was the back of Mom’s heads her hair visible her head buried between Avril’s legs. Avril’s head was still arched back as Mom’s head bobbed up and down a bit. No it couldn’t be I edged backwards my heart beating about five times the rate it should my chest heaving struggling for breath I was going to faint or be sick one or the other I needed to get out of there and quick. Edging back to the door I gently pulled it open and stepped outside only then removing my hand from the front of my mouth. I went back to my cabin, I needed my cigarettes.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

The thing I’d earned about a Cruise ship in the six or seven days I had been on it now was that nowhere are you alone which is exactly what I wanted to be just now. I remembered a small square just outside the docks when I had left with the ship Mhari. I headed there it was just the thing I needed a few offices business’s tour operators that type of thing all closed for the day and quiet. I sat down and lit a cigarette some tears ran down my cheeks. How could I have been so blind as to Mom and Avril, it all fitted now.

The boozy afternoon sessions, what had Avril been doing at our house that day she caught me dressed, then there was a night last Christmas, me and Dad playing “Call of Duty” on the PC, Mom out on her works Christmas night she called home late about 11, Dad answered explained Mom was staying at Avril’s too drunk to come home, god Avril only lived six streets away! The way Mom had been the night before when Avril was flirting with those guys, she had been jealous that was what her mood was all about, I should have seen it, even when Dad announced he could not come on holiday she had been so accepting of it, once upon a time she would have flipped her lid, like when a similar thing had happened when I was around 7 or 8 we were due to go to a caravan at a Holiday Park, Dad was just working his way up the force he had to call off Mom went ballistic it was the angriest I have ever seen her but this time nothing, how could I have been so blind?

I crushed out my cigarette and automatically lit another. How was I going to cope for the next three days we had tomorrow here again before sailing on, a day at sea and then dock on Tuesday when we left the ship. How could I look at them, interact with them knowing what I knew now. One thing was for certain I had to find a way to avoid them tonight because right now there was no way I could deal with it. I finished my second cigarette and went to look for a local store, I was in luck I soon found a 24/7 store and went inside, just what I needed I thought. I bought some more cigarettes a couple of snacks and two large bottles of white wine. With my purchases stacked away in a bag I headed back to the ship and to my cabin which would be my prison for the night.

Back aboard I made sure I locked the door, peeling of my skirt I pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and curled up on the bed, I left the TV on but with the sound muted I watched the pictures in silence. I watched the re-runs of my Dad and new stuff trying to put together the story without the words, shots of the nearest town, shots of the farm where they had been held, and the same shots of their release that I had watched earlier. I had no idea how long I had been there when there was a knock at the door, then a gap then another, then Mom’s voice,

“Tracey are you in there it’s Mom”

I stayed silent; another knock then muffled conversation which I assumed was Mom and Avril then nothing the faint sound of them moving away from the door. I looked at my watch it was gone 7.30pm. I picked up the first bottle of wine and opened it. Taking a plastic glass from the bathroom I filled it and in one drink drained half the glass, pouring more in I settled on the bed in front of the TV. Less than two hours later Tracey was sound asleep and oblivious to the world.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

Cruise Diary – Day 7

I woke up the next morning with the most killer of a hangover. It felt like two tennis players were conducting a baseline rally in my head. Through the haze I glanced across the room an empty wine bottle lay on its side on the floor. Next to it another open bottle sat with about 10cms worth of wine still at the bottom of the bottle. I still had on the strappy top I had worn in Barcelona yesterday with pyjama bottoms. The TV was still on and silent pictures flickered across the room.

I needed the bathroom; I got up through the fog filled haze of my head and started towards the toilet. I noticed the shirt I had dropped in the sink after coming back last night. There was a light pink hue to the water I presumed from some of Mhari’s blood coming out in the water. My hand went to my forehead,

“Damn Mhari, I was supposed to go back and check on her last night.”

Then again the latter events of yesterday had clouded everything, the need for the toilet had become much more urgent as the contents of my stomach began to churn and boil.

Fifteen minutes later after having deposited the contents of my stomach down the toilet I was in a piping hot shower. The warm water running down my body eased me a bit despite the fact that the damn tennis match was still going on in my head. Switching off the water I stepped out and fried myself off with a towel. The gym was a definite no this morning, even though all I had drunk last night had been ejected from my body the headache was not designed for physical activity.

I needed something to take the edge of it. Mom had been ultra-resourceful in her provision of clothing for Tracey so maybe she had been just as resourceful in providing me with some medication. I searched through my case nothing, nothing in the drawers of the cabin either. Maybe the toiletries bag I thought so I pulled it from the bathroom and looked inside, bingo, some headache tablets despite being a cheat she had obviously thought of every eventuality. I took two tablets washing them down with a glass of water and began to get ready.

First I took the shirt I wore out of the sink the stains had gone a bit pink but were still visible. I squeezed out the water as best I could and then hung it on the towel holder in the bathroom to let it dry a little. In the bathroom I tidied up my hair and applied a little make up just enough for daytime use. My eyes were a bit bloodshot but hey after nearly two bottles of wine hour’s might have been as well.

Returning to the bed I striped of the top and pyjama bottoms. A fresh pair of panties and a bra and I began to feel a bit more alive, if only the tennis would stop! I took a pink wrap round skirt with a floral design around the hem and put it on. A similar strappy top to what I had worn yesterday in a white silky material on top I covered it with a pink shirt leaving the buttons undone I put a white belt around my waist to pull the shirt in a bit and provide a bit more cover to finish off I slipped my feet into a pair of pink and white sneakers. Tidying up the room I watched the news on Dad nothing new really full news conference due tonight girls safe and well and in hospital, I made a note to be back for the news conference as I emptied the small drop of undrunk wine down the sink before stashing the bottles under the bed to get rid of later.

Grabbing my bag I set of to see Mhari, a pair of dark sunglasses covering my eyes as I quietly opened the door and stepped out. I really wanted to avoid Mom and Avril so quietly I passed their cabin and climbed up the few steps to the deck. Once clear of our deck entrance I found an area for a cigarette and lit up the menthol fumes helping a little to take away the taste I had from being sick earlier which despite a thorough cleaning of my teeth was still there. A couple of people chirped “Good morning” as they made their way either to breakfast or for an early start ashore in Barcelona.

The Medical Centre was small only two beds there was a nurse on a small reception, I asked her about Mhari and she directed me to a small cubical. I walked over poking my head round the corner of the screen. She spotted me right away and waved me in, sitting at the other side of the bed was a man.

“Tracey, this is Dad” she said

“Hi” I mumbled as I extended my hand to him and we shook hands.

“You ok” I asked.

“Well the there’s a bit of swelling on my knee, they are going to take me ashore today and have it x-rayed just as a precaution” she said.

“So no gym for you for the next few days”

“Bit more than that, I think” she said.

“Sorry I never got back last night, I just got glued to the TV watching Dad”

“Oh I heard they found the girls you must be so proud” she said.

“It’s great, pretty strange watching your Dad on TV though.” I said.

“I think I might know your Dad” her father said.

The world stopped I froze, I’m pretty sure my mouth must have hit the floor as her Dad went on.

“I work in Social Services we do a lot of liaison with the Police and go to Conferences and things together I’m sure I ran into him at one of them”

“Eh, eh maybe, he does go to those” I stuttered.

“Well next time our paths cross I will tell him I met his lovely daughter on holiday”

Mhari could see the shock on my face.

“You’re getting off on Tuesday, be sure to come up and see me before then.”
“I will” I said getting up from the chair anxious to be out of there.

“Have a god day” she said as I backed from the cubicle.

“It’s been nice to meet you” her Dad said as I turned

“You too” I said as I made my way out.

This holiday just could not get any worse, first Mhari works me out, then I have Mom and Avril turning into a pair of pussy munchers, and now Mhari’s Dad knows my Dad and if they meet will announce how he met his daughter on holiday! Just fantastic I thought I need a cigarette and quick.

After a much needed cigarette break I headed back to the cabin, Mhari’s Dad’s revelations had put me off breakfast so I figured I needed a little me time. I was almost back when what had been a rather bad start to the day got a little worse. I was literally yards from safety when Avril and Mom emerged from the entrance to the corridor where our cabins were.

“Tracey, where have you been” Mom announced she stepped forward enveloped me in a hug.

“Have you seen the news, Dad on TV” she asked in an excited tone.

I did want to say something like “Glad you came out from between Avril’s legs to notice” but bit my tongue.

“I saw it, it’s so great that they found the girls and they are safe” was my response.

“I came to look for you last night knocked on the door” she said.

“Oh I was probably still with Mhari” I said lying through my teeth, “She fell yesterday while we were on a tour bus and hurt her leg” I said.

“Is she Ok” Mom asked.

“Yes a bit shaken and she is going for an x-ray today ashore, she just tripped and fell” I omitted the part that Chris was with us and went on “We got a cab back and she spent last night up in the medical block so I was probably up there when you knocked,” once more lying to her.

“Well we are going for breakfast and then ashore you want to come” she asked.

My mind was saying “Yeah I’m sure you’ve worked up an appetite” but my mouth said “Eh no it’s fine I might go to the hospital with Mahri” I said lying once more. Truth was I had no wish to spend the day with both of them after what I had seen yesterday.

“Well if you’re sure” she said.

“I’ll be fine, just go and enjoy your breakfast; I’ll go and catch up on the news before I go back to the Medical Centre”

“Ok fine dear” she said placing a kiss on my forehead before she walked off with Avril.

I turned and watched the two walk along the deck before they disappeared up a flight of stairs for breakfast.

Back in the safety of my cabin I considered the options, either I stay on-board and spend a day alone or went back on what I had said and go ashore with Mom and her lover, then again I could venture out alone. Not really a hard choice to make then, so after freshening up I was out of the cabin and off the ship and heading in to Barcelona for my own adventure.

Yesterday we had probably completed about just over half the sightseeing tour so I figured that I could pass a good bit of time by doing the whole tour again. It felt a bit strange on the bus on my own, this time though armed with camera I was happily clicking away taking shots on route. I figured that it would be strange at least not returning with some holiday snaps and since it was unlikely that we were going to have a series of Mom, Avril and me by the pool etc then this might make up for it.

The trip was at least having some effect of taking my mind off the situation, it was also giving me some time to think and while I had enjoyed my time as Tracey I knew it was coming to an end and soon I would be back as Michael and Tracey would be confined to the back of my mind as home life retuned to well not what would be normal given what I had seen but as normal as it could be. A plan was forming in my head though as the trip tour began to call at its final few points of interest. It was time maybe for Tracey to let her hair down a bit but first I needed to make a few purchases.

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Back on board I headed first to check on Mhari, the Medical Centre told me she was back in her cabin so I got the number and headed over there. She was in bed when I got there her Dad still with her. The x-ray had shown some bruising and minor damage to a knee ligament but nothing that would not heal after some rest. Her holiday though other than moving about on a pair of crutches was more or less over. It was hard to really talk with her Dad there but we agreed to meet up again tomorrow for a bit before I left the ship on Tuesday. With that taken care of I headed back to my cabin to get ready for the night.

Back in our cabin corridor I nervously knocked on Mom’s cabin no sneaking in this time in case I was rewarded by a repeat performance. Mom came to the door inviting me in a few bags were scattered around showing that they had indeed been ashore and had at least not spent another afternoon in bed.

“What time you going for dinner” I asked.

“About nine” Mom said

“We thought we would try out the Azure Club” Avril piped up as she relaxed back on her bed.

“Yeah fine whatever” I said.

“You joining us” Mom asked.

“If that’s ok” I asked hesitating a bit. “Mhari’s on crutches so she won’t be up and about” I went on.

“Yes darling of course you can come with us, it’s a shame about Mhari though is she going to be ok”

“She will be fine but she’s out of action for the rest of her holiday” I said
“Well we will be heading over there about nine”

“Ok keep me a seat I’ll meet you there” I said backing towards the door, then I was outside it was time for Tracey to get ready!!

Back in the sanctuary of my own cabin I took a long shower washing my hair thoroughly before wrapping myself in a large bath towel to sit and dry my hair. After leaving the tour this afternoon I had made my way to one of the more popular trendy shopping districts of Barcelona. I had money to spare and every intention of spending it. My first visit had been to a beauty salon where I had bought some clip in hair extensions it had taken a bit of time to get the colour right but soon I had as close as I could get, Tracey was going to have long hair for tonight. I’d also bought some lotion for my legs they were pretty tanned by now and this was supposed to put a little shiny sheen on the skin. I opened the bottle and poured some on my hands I rubbed the liquid into my skin massaging my legs as I did so, it seemed to put a warmth into my legs and appeared to do exactly what it promised as a few minutes later I seemed to have a natural glossy finish to my legs.

For the next 45 minutes or so I spent time getting my make-up as flawless as I could. In the past I had been a bit plain and demure with my colour choices but tonight I was much bolder. Darker shades of eye shadow to get that smoky sexy look I wanted. Soon I had painted my canvas as I applied the finishing touch of a dark berry red lipstick to my lips before closing the lipstick and popping it in my handbag for touching it up later.

Next I spent another 30 minutes or so getting my hair right, the girl had spent some time in the salon showing me how to fit the extensions after a couple of false starts I had mastered the art and soon Tracey was sporting long curly blond hair extensions running half way down her back. The choice of dress was not really a problem it had to be the one Mom and Avril had bought back in Vigo so taking it from the wardrobe and removing the protective cover I slid down the zip and stepped into it. I slid my arm through the one strap and reaching behind pulled up the zip to close it. It was just as beautiful as I first thought the soft leather felt fantastic against my bear skin the tight skirt splitting and showing a good deal of leg as I walked over to my final purchase of the day.

Ever since I had got the dress I knew the one thing it needed was shoes which would do it justice. As resourceful as Mom had been though there was nothing really in my wardrobe that would do it justice, well there was now. It taken a while but eventually I had found what I wanted, the shoes had a five inch silver metal heel the part of the shoe supporting the ball of your foot was also metal which ran around the side to your ankle before the black leather material took over. There was a soft lining inside protecting your foot from the metal and even although they had a five inch heel they were really pretty comfortable.

With the shoes in place I admired my look for the night, the long blonde curls, the darker make up the hot dress and the shoes made it all come together, Tracey was looking hot, hot, hot and ready to party.
Looking at the clock in my room it was 5 to 9 it was time for me go so after a rather prolonged spray of perfume on my neck arms and wrists I gathered up my cigarettes and dropped all I would need in my handbag for the night, it was time for some fun!

It seemed a good bit cooler as I walked along the deck, maybe it was my bare shoulder or the spit at either side of the dress that made it that way. One thing was for sure it was attracting attention as I spotted one wife giving her husband a disapproving look as he cast a glance in my direction. I stopped in a smoking area for a cigarette I made a mental note to find a supplier for VS120’s when I got home. I had grown to love the menthol taste of them and the narrow elegance of them. I lit up my dark berry nails with the slim filter between them. I looked around savouring the moment, had it not been for finding Mom and Avril like that yesterday which had certainly put a dark cloud on the holiday; this had been dream beyond all dreams. I watched people go buy occasionally looking at the young girl with the long blonde hair smoking a cigarette oblivious to the truth it was above all an experience I would never forget or for that matter have missed, crushing out the smoked cigarette it was time for dinner.

The Azure Club was a restaurant which from around 11:00 o’clock became a nightclub after all meals had been cleared away. I stepped inside spotting Mom and Avril right away by a table at the wall. I walked over without them noticing me.

Mom turned.

“Tracey what ……”

“It’s ok they are clip on extensions” I said fingering my new long locks as she looked at me. I pulled out a seat and sat down putting my bag on the table and ensuring that the visible split in the dress did not open too wide.

“See you wore the dress “Avril said.

“I did, thanks” I said as I poured a glass of white wine that was already on the table.

“It’s maybe a little tartish” after all she said.

“Well I suppose it takes a tart to pick it” I said raising the glass to my lips.

“Ok quit it you two play nice for this evening” Mom said firing a little look at Avril. “Just let’s order” she said as she summoned a waiter over with her hand.

The meal was quite excellent and after our initial joust with each other the conversation was settled as we ate. As we sipped a glass of wine at the close of our meal Mom pulled out her bag and opened it.

“I got you a little something in Barcelona today” she said pulling a box form her bag and handing it over to me.

“What is it?”

“Open it and see”

I did inside was gold bracelet watch I took it out turning it I could see Cartier on the face.

“Don’t get excited, it’s a copy not the real thing but I just thought you would like it”

“I love it” I said opening the band and slipping it on my wrist.

“Why don’t we go outside for a cigarette” Avril said as the waiters began clearing away all the tables.

We all got up and walked outside the three of us on deck we all lit a cigarette and stood waiting on the club being readied for the rest of the night.

We had only been there a couple of minutes when Mom spotted the two guys that had been with them two night’s back.

“Did you tell them we would be here tonight” she asked looking sternly at Avril.

“No” she replied.

“You spoke to one of the today as we came back on board”

“Eh I might have given him hint but not on purpose” she said taking a final draw from her cigarette before putting it out.

They reached us just at that point.

“Ladies we meet again” the older one who had been into Avril said.

“Hello Raul” Avril said as she offered her hand he took it and kissed the back of it.

“We join you” he said taking Avril’s hand I could see Mom’s discomfort she was teasing again, a plan was forming in my head but could I carry it through, I took a final puff on my cigarette and blew a cloud of smoke towards the floor as I put it out and followed the others inside the club.

Inside instead of the table we had occupied for dinner we found ourselves at a booth at the back of the club. I found myself in the centre of the group. Avril was on my right with Raul on the outside, Mom on the left with the other guy outside hear, it really was a bit like being piggy in the middle. My interest though as the lights dimmed and music began to play was on what was happening between Avril and Raul. Mom and Arnaldo who I had just learned his name, seemed intent in just general chit chat so I shut my radar off from their direction and concentrated on Avril’s conversations.

A few drinks’s flowed both Mom and Avril had already visited the dance floor while even I had been up once as Mom insisted all three girls went up alone as the two men visited the bar for another round of drinks. The evening went on at pace with drinks being consumed. I could increasingly see Avril becoming a good bit flirtier and Mom a good bit more agitated. If I was going to put a spoke in Avril’s wheels it had to be now, my chance came soon after, Mom and Avril got up to go to the toilet and get some drinks, by the time they came back I was in a deep conversation with Raul taking about his home and his work. I somehow managed to guide Avril into the centre beside Mom leaving me next to Raul.

I had moved my leg my thigh running tight against his I could feel the warmth of his leg on my bare skin as the split in my dress must have opened. I looked at him smiling laughing at thing’s he said as I twirled my new long locks in my fingers, batting my eyelashes as he spoke blushing a little. Avril meantime was trying to get back into the conversation but was having no luck as I turned my bare shoulder a bit on her blocking her slightly from view. Time went on it was close to midnight and I had had Raul mostly to myself for the last 45 minutes.

Suddenly he got up.

“I just need to visit the bathroom” he said in his almost perfect English.

I waited until he had been gone a couple of minutes and then lifted my handbag and headed to the toilets myself. The toilets were off to the right of our booth and down a little corridor. I walked down the corridor and looked inside the ladies a woman walked towards me and passed by saying “Thanks” as I held the door open for her, she disappeared down the corridor out of sight. Just then the Men’s toilet door opened and Raul stepped out two paces and he was beside me I put one of my fingers to his lips and with the other hand grabbed his hand.

He looked a bit surprised as I pulled him inside the ladies. I giggled a little and led him to one of the cubicles leading him inside I closed the door and locked it. I looked into his eyes and moved forward his lips met mine my mouth opening his tongue greedily speeding inside my mouth his hand moved behind me pulling me into his chest my breasts resting against his chest. The kiss went on for several minutes before I broke it.

“I’m not sleeping with you, just to let you know, but I can make it a nice night,” I said as I put my handbag on top of the cistern. With two hands I reached for his belt buckle finding it I had it open in seconds and pushed down his trousers, he reached in for another kiss and I responded my hand snaking inside his boxer shorts and pulling his semi erect cock free. I sank to my haunches; I could see my dark painted nails encircling his cock. I figured that probably fully erect he was not that much bigger than me although it was thicker. I licked the tip my lounge teasing the tip and gap in his foreskin massaging it, it gradually got harder I pushed the foreskin back and licked the length of it looking up at him as I did so he moaned as I took it in my mouth gripping it with my lips and hand I sucked and bobbed my head taking his full length inside my mouth he was now fully erect and moaning as I continued my attention on his cock. The toilet door opened I looked up taking his cock out and putting a finger to my lips someone went into another cubicle I kept on stroking him to keep him hard. The toilet flushed, I could hear running water then the hand drier the door opened and closed again. Once more I took him deep in my mouth increasing the pace of my hand and sucking about 5 minutes passed he tensed I could feel it in my hand and mouth then with a grunt he came his juice spurted into my mouth I kept going draining the last of it before stood back up he kissed my forehead.

“You go out,” I said, “I’ll touch up my makeup and follow you out”

He kissed me on the lips and opened the door making it to the outer door he slowly looked outside and then disappeared. I picked up my bag and quite nonchalantly as if nothing had happened walked over to the mirror to repair my make-up. I had down it he was mine for the night and Avril could flash her tits all she wanted but she was barking up the wrong tree.

I repaired my make up and left the bathroom stooping off at the bar. I returned to the booth with a tray of drinks.

“You have been ages,” Avril said

“Eh I got talking to someone in the bathroom” I said with a smile.

Raul pushed Avril over a bit into the centre and I slipped into his other side.

For the next hour or so Avril might as well have been back at home as Raul spoke and joked with me while she tried to make amends with Mom. I could still taste him in my mouth a bit despite a couple of more drinks so I figured I needed a cigarette.

“I’m just going to have a cigarette” I said standing and sorting out the splits in my dress.
“I’ll come with you Raul” said picking up both our drinks he took my arm and we moved towards the exit.

Outside we moved to a bar style table, he went into his pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes as I did likewise from my bag. Taking one out he was already on hand with an offer of a light I put the cigarette between my lips and leaned in for a light. His arm snaked behind me as he lit his own cigarette we were close to each other I could smell his aftershave as we smoked and chatted. He had put his cigarette out as I took the last draw from mine and exhaled white smoke into the night air. I leaned over and extinguished it in the ashtray.

Turning I turned right into his open arms he pulled me closer his lips met mine once more I was about to resist but suddenly it was as if a firework exploded in my head. Stars were appearing as I returned the kiss eagerly all sorts of stuff going on in my head at that moment I was a million miles away from Michael, I was Tracey. My leg bent between his I would feel his cock react again the kiss continued. I wanted him I wanted to feel his weight on top of me I wanted to feel his cock inside me.

“What the fuck are you doing with my ……daughter”

It was Mom we broke free she must have come out for a cigarette as well, behind her I could just see Avril emerge from the club as well.

“Ok night’s over” she said gripping my arm and leading me away.

I could see Avril smirk towards Raul as she turned to follow us.

“What the fuck were you thinking Tracey” Mom said as we walked along towards our cabin.

“I don’t know maybe the drink” I said.

There was silence till we reached our cabins I unlocked mine and went inside closing the door behind me I sat on the bed for a few minutes. It was past 2am so I started to get ready for bed. Twenty minutes later I was under the covers. Just what had I thought tonight for that couple of minutes I had wanted Raul, his cock inside me, his manliness on top of me I had been Tracey even though I had no way of actually achieving what I wanted I had wanted it, gradually darkness overtook me and I dropped off to a deep sleep.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery & Home

Cruise Diary – Day 8 - 10

This was getting a bit of a habit I thought as I awoke the next morning with a fuzzy head. If I’m not careful I’m going to turn into some sort of lush like Avril. I slipped out of bed and ran myself a glass of water before sliding back under the covers.

Just what had gone on in my head last night ?

I could square up the first part it was getting back at Avril, taking Raul away from her had been my motive and it had worked, even if the means had been a bit extreme. The second part however out on the deck was what I was still trying to square in my mind. It had been spontaneous yes but I had so enjoyed it the feeling of me being in a males arms, his strength his smell it had all taken over my inner self, for those couple of minutes I was female it was what I wanted and more. Was that what I wanted to change gender or was it just a culmination of being Tracey for a nearly a week since I had set foot on the ship. I sipped the water and thought about it no doubt Mom would have more to say about it but that was for another time today might be my last day as Tracey so downing the last of my water I climbed out of bed and started to get dressed.

I’d skipped exercise for the last couple of days so I thought it was time to get back on course so I headed out of the cabin and up to the gym. I knew Mhari would not be there but a little session on my own would do no harm to clear my head and make up for my excesses over the last few days. Missing out on the weights I did some laps around the small track keeping it at a steady pace in case the contents of my stomach were tempted to empty themselves on the deck. Having done around 30 laps and with a couple of others appearing I decided to call it a day and head back to the cabin. I took a shower to freshen up and got dressed.

I pulled out a pale blue sundress I had not worn yet and put it on wrapping a wide white leather belt round it. I sat at the mirror and put on some light make-up, some powder blue eye-shadow and a light pink lipstick with a coating of mascara for my lashes made me presentable for the day. Taking out some nail polish remover I removed last night’s dark polish a flash back in my mind remembering the sight of my nails wrapped round Raul’s cock as I had blown him in the toilet. Once my nails were dry I put on a clear polish on them and waited for them to dry.

Once they were dry I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and left the cabin for some breakfast. I thought about knocking on Mom and Avril’s door but decided against it as that lecture was something that could wait for later. I stopped in a smoking area for a cigarette the ship was under full steam and on its way to Lisbon and our departure point. Tonight was my last night on board, we would dock in Lisbon tomorrow and then we would pick up a late evening flight which would take me back to the reality of home and normality if I could ever be that way again. I sucked in the menthol vapours as I looked across the clear open water a coastline just visible in the distance as we sped towards the end of Tracey !
I had a serious appetite when I got to one of the breakfast bars, I had resisted the temptation but today was too much and I selected a full English breakfast with some toast and tea. Finding myself a quite spot I set about filing up my calorie content for the day unaware of just how the day would turn out.

Once breakfast was over I decided to do a spot of on-board shopping. It had suddenly struck me as I ate breakfast that I had not yet bought anything for Dad. I mean what sort of son or in this case daughter goes on holiday and does not come back with some sort of gift. I made my way down to the small shopping mall where they had some gift shops.

There’s not much you can buy on a ship especially when you are trying to buy for someone who has just become a national hero and has his face plastered over most news broadcasts just now. I wondered what the national press would have made of it all if they knew about me walking about a Cruise with fake boobs and plastered in make up add to that the lesbian wife in the cabin below and we are heading towards having enough material to fill our very own Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer show! Being serious about it though what would life be like when we got back home the press attention would certainly still be topical maybe for a while yet so we all had to rein back in our lives a bit to fit the situation. Probably another reason why a dark cloud was forming above me as it looked as if Tracey would be going back in her little box for quite a while.

Eventually having spent about nearly an hour walking around the limited shops there was I settled on a set of cute cuff links for Dad. Not mega expensive but practical as he attended quite a few functions both with Mom and on his own and while maybe not everyone’s cup of tea he was a frequent wearer of cuff links. Purchase paid for and with it gift wrapped I headed back to the cabin to leave it there before my next visit to check on Mhari.

I’d only been back in the cabin a few minutes when there was a knock at the door.

“Who is it” I called out.

“It’s Mom let me in”

Opening the door she stepped inside a white sports holdall in her hands and a plastic bag with what looked like a number of bottles in it. She walked in dropping the holdall on the floor and the plastic bag on the bed before sitting down.

“So have you enjoyed your time as Tracey” she asked.

I blushed a little in front of her even although it had been a week since all this had begun we had never really spoke about it. She had accepted me as her daughter from day one really and despite the odd dig from Avril which was to be expected we had not really discussed it.

“Yes” I said wondering what was about to happen.

“Well I’m afraid it’s time to put an end to it”

I looked at her “But Mom we still have a whole day left on the ship and I need to go and see Mhari before I leave” I protested.

“Sorry Michael” it was the first time she had used my real name that week so I knew she was serious in what she was saying.

“We need to get you back looking like yourself, we get of the ship early tomorrow and although we have some time in Lisbon before our flight, you need to get off as Michael, you must have realised that your passport silly shows you as Michael”

“Can’t I just have a few more hours” I asked.

“Sorry Michael there’s too much to do, now get in the shower.”

I wondered if this was some sort of punishment for last night with Raul, “Is this because of last night I asked” hesitantly.

“No I told you it’s time to change back, but now you are on the subject what was that all about last night, fuck, you were nearly half way down his throat” I blushed.

“I mean what if he had taken it further, what if I hadn’t come out when I did, you could have been beaten up, hurt maybe, how stupid was it.”

“I know I’m sorry” I said.

“Well let’s forget about it but we need to start and get you back to Michael so get in the shower” she picked up the holdall and opened it pulling out a pair of fresh men’s underpants she handed them and a pair of shorts to me.

“Now get washed and put these on when you’re finished.”

I took the clothes from her and walked into the shower Tracey was about to be over.

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Twenty minutes later I emerged from the shower it seemed so strange walking out in men’s underpants and shorts but still with my fake boobs attached.

“Ok sit down at the mirror and I’ll re-cut your hair back into style.”

I sat down looking in the mirror all make up gone, I watched Mom go to work with scissors trimming and cutting my hair back into something like Michael had when I boarded. Sure my hair would be shorter but as Mom explained as she worked we could explain that as me needing my hair cut due to the heat.

She worked on as I still seethed a bit over not being allowed just a little more time. I was still sure it had something to do with last night. I wondered what she would have thought had she found maybe a black Portuguese pubic hair stuck between my teeth from last night’s bathroom adventure, and anyway even if she did she was still being a hypocrite as I was pretty sure I mind find a couple of Avril’s stuck in her teeth. Soon she was happy with my hair and left it to dry as I looked back in the mirror I had a heavy heart, Michael was starting to re-appear.

Next Mom produced a bottle from her bag, “This is adhesive remover it will get the fake breasts off”

She opened it and put some on a cloth working at the seams gradually she started to loosen them from my skin, the liquid numbed my skin a bit and gradually they started to become lose, every now and again lessening them would pinch my skin producing a little ouch from me as she worked them free. Around 15 minutes later they too were gone but behind they had left two rather noticeable white circles where no sunlight had penetrated.

“So what do we do now” I said pointing towards the white skin.

“It’s ok, I have that covered, stand up she said.

She opened her bag and brought out a tube like container.

“What’s that” I asked.

“It’s fake tan, it’s not going to completely make all your chest look the same so when we get home no going topless for a bit, but by the time your tan fades then everything will be back to normal, I’ll show you how to apply it and then when you need maybe to top it up then you can just do it yourself.”

She began to rub it all over my chest leaving it slightly more prominent over the two white circles while a little less so on the already tanned areas. It looked really dark which worried me a bit.

“Is it not too dark” I asked.

“Don’t worry it looks that way when it goes on but by the morning it will have lightened” she said as she started work on my back. Soon all my upper boy had been covered as she washed her hands and put the tube of tanning lotion in my drawer.

She looked over at the clock it was nearly one o’clock,

“Do you fancy some lunch” she asked.

“Ok”

“Well you stay here while that dries on your skin and I will pop out and get us a bite to eat.”

Grabbing her purse she left the room and me alone, looking in the mirror Michael was nearly back and suddenly he had a tear in his eye.

Mom returned with a couple of packs of sandwiches and some drinks for us.

She looked over her work as I sat on the bed bare chested. “You can still see the ring’s a little she” she said “It will be ok though just keep a shirt on for the next few weeks and it will return to normal.”

We ate in silence, I was still peeved at being robbed as I thought of it as my last day as Tracey, still thinking in my mind that it was a punishment for last night.

“You should be dry by now” Mom said picking up the holdall she pulled out a tee-shirt and handed it to me. I pulled it over my head. I stood up and cast a glance in the mirror, no bulge in the chest area, no skirt flowing, no hair styled the way it had been and no make-up, Michael was well and truly back.

“Right now that’s done I’ll give you a hand packing” Mom said dropping the packaging of her launch in the bin she retrieved the case from the closet and dropped it on the bed. Together we began to empty the closet packing away the clothes I had worn over the last week each item a memory in my mind and a couple even that had not had a memory as there were items I had not worn yet.

It was getting close to 3 o’clock as the zips were closed on the case as we did one last check of all the drawers to see nothing was left behind before the lock on Tracey’s life was finally closed.

“Ok, now I’ve left you a couple of fresh shirts in the holdall for tomorrow, there is some underwear and socks as well and another pair of trainers. There are some toiletries as well just to get you through the morning. The boat docks at 8 and we need to be off by 10 so once we get off we can grab a late breakfast and then head over to the hotel, ok.”

Suddenly I felt like a caged bird, this was to be my prison for about the next 20hrs.

“Mom look I need to say goodbye to Mhari” I said a slight quiver in my voice.

“Michael but you can’t I mean, look at you” she gestured towards me with her hand.

“Mom it will be ok, she, she knows.” I finally blurted out.

She looked at me in an odd way and then went on “She knows”

I nodded, “She worked it out a couple of days ago she saw the three of us get on the ship before I changed” I said looking at the floor of the cabin.

“And she’s ok with it”

“Yeah she’s fine, look she’s been great about it and a true friend on board I can’t just get off and ignore her”

She waited paused for a second.

“Look Ok I’ll tell you what I will go up and see her, if she wants to come down then so be it she can come here and see you, ok?”

“Thanks” I said.

“Ok well I’ll go and see her now, I was going to order you some dinner for the cabin anyway so if she wants I’ll order for two and you can have something in here.”

I nodded again as she stepped over and put a kiss on the top of my head, “Ok then sleep well and I’ll see you in the morning” she said as she pulled the cabin door open and stepped outside.

I picked up the remote control and switched on the TV; if this was it then it was time to get used to my prison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Time passed slowly I’ve no idea how many times I had glanced at the clock. I had even defied Mom’s orders a bit and sneaked outside for a cigarette from a pack I had planted in the holdall while she was not looking. The thing was it was different no one had really cast a glance at the boy smoking a cigarette on deck, not the same way that Tracey had gotten the odd glance from a passing gentleman.

It was getting close to 8pm as there was a knock at the door.

I got up “Yeah who is it” I said from behind the door.

“It’s me Mhari” the reply came.

I opened the door to see her standing there her crutch in hand as she hobbled inside.

“Ok let’s have a look then” she said imitating a twirl with her hand.

I stood in front of her slowly turning as I did so.

“Not too bad as a male, but as I said not really my type” she said resting her crutch against the wall she sat down on the bed.

“You ok” I asked.

“Well I’ll not be doing much for the rest of the holiday but the swelling has gone down a bit” she said looking at her strapped up knee. The couple of grazes on her arms had begun to heal so she was well on the way to recovery.

“Dinners on its way” she said.

“Mom came to see you then”

“This afternoon, she explained about everything and that you had asked to see me and I could come down, so what else was I going to do, I mean after all it would just have been another night sitting in the cabin all alone” she said before playfully slapping my arm.

Another knock at the door, “Looks like dinner has arrived, I’m famished” she said as I got up and crossed to the door to collect our meal.

We ate dinner just chatting as two friends would until.

“Ok then what has Tracey been up to for the last couple of days seen anymore of Chris/” she asked as she put her knife and fork on her cleared plate and wiped her lips with a napkin.

I stopped just as I was about to put the last piece of food in my mouth.

“Well it’s been strange without you and it’s been, it’s been” I looked away, two tears appeared on my cheek.

“Hey what is it?” she asked her hand squeezing my arm. “Is it going back to Michael?” she asked.

There was a pause a few minutes silence as she watched me, finally the dam broke and I told her everything. About coming home Saturday finding Mom and Avril the shopping trip Sunday then last night, Raul the toilet, outside the whole lot poured out of me before I came to a shuddering stop.

There was a pause as she took it all in.

“Wow girl I mean boy, you don’t half pack it in, I mean I leave you for less than two days and all this goes on.”

I sniffed a little having got over my little emotional break down.

“I know but what do I do now?” I asked.

“About what?”

“Well all of it” I said.

“Ok let’s deal with the Raul thing first, you’ve said it you felt like a woman more than ever you responded like a woman would do, does that make you one, well no, but do you want to be one well that’s a totally different question. You’re the only one who can answer that, I mean you have been put in a totally unique position it’s probably something you have dreamed about for years am I right?”

I nodded.

“Well the choice you have now is what do you want to do with it, do you want it to be a memory you will live with forever, or is it a beginning that will change your life, as I said you are the only one who knows the real answer to that, whatever you decide though you need to commit to it, I mean Tracey has really been let out the box on the ship can you really put her away again?”

“I don’t know” I said looking across the cabin.

“With regards to your Mom and Avril well I wish you had given me a call” she said jokingly.

“Heh you that’s my Mom your taking about.”

“Sorry but I did say Avril was hot and I would not have turned her down.”

“You can have her if you want” I said with a bit on venom.

“Here’s the thing, do you think your Dad knows?”

I shook my head.

“Ok well the way I see it you have two choices, you either ignore it” I went to speak she gestured for me to stop. “Or you tell and blow open a huge can of worms, I mean you told me a Avril is the vindictive type, so you go home tell Dad and hey presto she spills the beans on Tracey.”

“But”

“But nothing do you want that if you do choose to take Tracey forward would you not rather it came from you rather than Avril, and I mean maybe it’s just a one off, Mom on holiday missing her man needs a bit of affection, like some sort of holiday fling”

“Yeah but It’s my Mom”

“And she’s human just like the rest of us, look you could blow your family apart with this, if it was me I would sit on it say nothing just see what happens when you get home it might be nothing, everything might go back to normal.”

“So you think I should just leave it?”

“I think so, at least for now maybe there will come a time you can speak to your Mom about it, you’ll know when the time is right. If it’s deeper than that between them then maybe the damage is already done but you won’t get any credit for blurting it out from either of them.”

“Maybe your right it may just blow over”

“Look your Dad’s on cloud nine just now do you really want to bring him crashing to earth if there is something in it, if there is it’s your Mom’s responsibility to tell him not yours.”

“I guess”

“Anyway I think you need to be thinking about yourself and where you want to go, it’s your life no one else but you can live it so you need to work out totally who you are, and I think you might know deep down but you need to face it.”

Mhari stood up lifting her crutch.

“Think I better head back it’s nearly 11,” she said glancing at the clock.

I got up as well.

“All in all it’s been a great holiday” she said before continuing “I met a great girl that was fun to hang out with and a not so bad guy who has a heart of gold”

There was a hint of a tear in my eye again as I stepped towards her.

She turned and placed a little kiss on my mouth.

I was a bit shocked, and froze a little as she did it.

“What, I am bi I do kiss boys and girls you know” she laughed as she stepped to the door.

“Oh I nearly forgot” she said as she opened her bag.

She handed me a small box and a piece of paper.

“What’s this” I asked.

“It’s my e-mail address and phone number, if you need a chat about anything just e-mail me or give me a call I would love to hear how you progress”

“Thanks” I said placing my own little kiss on her cheek.

“The box you can open when I’m gone” she said opening the door “Good luck Tracey it’s been great knowing you” were her last words as she stepped outside and was gone.

I looked at the box then at the door a big chapter of my life may just have closed the first person that I could really talk about Tracey to.

I opened the box inside was three tone gold Claddagh ring that was utterly stunning at that point I knew I had made a friend for life and tears began to fall.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

My sleep was a troubled one that night. Mhari’s words had set my mind on edge a bit, she had a point about me and what the future held for me and even more so about what I should do about Mom and Avril. After she had gone I had sneaked out for a late night cigarette. It struck me as I did so that my day’s imprisonment had let Mom and Avril have a day free from my prying eyes, who knows they could have spent all day and all night locked in each other’s passion, getting up to all manner of thing’s safe in the knowledge that I was in my cabin.

When I woke the next morning the same thought resurfaced in my mind, sneaking out once more to satisfy my need for an early ciggie the urge to knock on the door was strong but was also resisted as I climbed the steps on to the deck. Two cigarettes later I was back outside their cabin door my ears peeled for any signs of noise. My actions must have looked a bit suspicious to the first guest I had seen that morning as a man emerged from a cabin three or four doors down, hurriedly I opened my own cabin door and stepped back inside.

I double checked all the drawers and wardrobe just to make sure everything was packed. I grabbed a quick wash and then put my toiletries back in the holdall. Just as I had closed the zip there was a knock at the door.

“Just coming” I called out picking up the holdall from the bed.

I opened the cabin and there stood Avril and Mom.

“Ok ready to go” Mom asked.

“I suppose so” I said as they moved off I glanced back inside the cabin where Tracey had lived for the last 8 days or so sadly and slowly I closed the door and walked off behind them.

“Where’s the luggage” I asked as I caught up with them.

“They collected it last night” Avril replied as we walked along to the disembarkation point, Mom handed me my passport and we headed down to leave the ship. About fifteen minutes later we were on dry land and heading over to the terminal to pick up our bags. Inside passengers mingled as they awaited the arrival of their bags. I lost sight of Avril for a few minutes then noticed her across the terminal. There she was talking away with Raul and Armando as if nothing was happening, my heart was churning as she nodded back towards us and they all looked over. If I could have seen my face it must have been pillar box red as I could feel the heat burn in my cheeks. Raul had a confused perplexed look on his face what was he thinking as he looked over at the slim boy with the blonde hair. I anxiously looked around trying to spot our bags as they began to come through. I moved closer Mom had said they had yellow labels on them as each one came round I checked each yellow label hoping that it was ours, one bag, two bags, three and then four great that was them all. I grabbed the trolley and started to walk away.

“Where’s Avril” Mon asked.

“Over there” I said nodding in her direction.

“I’ll meet you outside” I said as I pushed the trolley away and headed out of the terminal towards a taxi rank.

I didn’t have too long to wait before they both emerged to my relief there was no Raul or Armando with them soon we were in a taxi and heading into the centre of Lisbon.

We arrived at a hotel that was to act as our base for the day there was a room for me and one for Mom and Avril just so that we could relax and freshen up before we went to the airport tonight for our flight back home. We checked in and stored the luggage for later before we were shown to our rooms.

“We can nip down for some breakfast” Mom said as the lift arrived at our floor.

“Ok” I mumbled as we left the lift and we were led along the corridor to our rooms, the maid handed us keys and told us where the dining room was.

“I’ll meet you down there in ten minutes” I said as I escaped to the sanctuary of my room. Inside I had a look around opening the min-bar I noticed a small bottle of orange juice, opening it I poured it out into a glass and went out on to the balcony of the room, the bustle of Lisbon lay in front of me but in truth it held no interest !

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

The day in Lisbon was if nothing else slow, after breakfast Mom and Avril went for a walk, I declined and went back to my room, where I spent most of the day except for the odd sneaked cigarette on the balcony.

Later I changed into fresh shorts and a shirt with long sleeves to hide my hairless arms. By early evening it was time to leave and soon we were back in the airport awaiting our flight back to Glasgow.
We had dinner in the airport and then checked in, fortunately I got a seat away from Mom and Avril so I could miss out on any last minute digs that Avril might have had in mind for me.

The flight itself was painless I watched an inflight movie and in no time we were on the final decent into Glasgow. I collected the bags while Mom and Avril chatted away in the terminal soon we were walking along the terminal towards passport control.

“Mrs McWilliams” a voice rang out.

I turned an official looking gentleman with Airport Security on his shirt stood by the wall.
“Yes” Mom replied.

“Can you follow me” he asked, I looked at Avril she looked at me both puzzled by what had just happened.

We followed the man to a door of the corridor he opened it and led us along another corridor. Part of me by this time was hoping that Avril had become some sort of drug smuggler and she was going to be arrested and jailed for years the other part just worried that it might be something to do with me.

Eventually we were led into a room two or three people mingled around one turned and it was Dad.

“Hi gang” he said walking over he took Mom in his arms and hugged her giving her a kiss and kissing Avril’s cheek which just about led to me losing the content of my stomach.

He turned “Hi champ” he said walking over and hugging me he looked at me a bit strongly.

“You’ve finally had your hair cut and it looks lighter as well” he said as he messed about with my hair.

Mom chipped in “The sun always lightens your hair” she said before going on “So what’s this all about the reception party” she said nodding towards the man who had brought us in.

“It’s been just crazy the last couple of days, press everywhere, they even followed me here tonight” Dad said.

“You some sort of celebrity now” Avril said with a smirk on her face while I drew her a look that went unnoticed.

“It’s mad” Dad said “but I hope it will calm down in a day or two”

“I’m proud of you” Mom said getting up and kissing him.

“I just thought that it would be better to have a private get together away from the cameras” Dad went on “So I asked the airport and they agreed, but here’s the thing the press have also been camped out at the house as well. I don’t want you all to have to go through it so I thought it might be an idea if you both stayed at Avril’s for a couple of days until it all blows over, what do you think?”

My heart stopped at that point I wanted to cry out “What the fuck are you doing Dad sending us into the lair of the snake, don’t you know she’s been lapping away at Mom while you have been saving people’s lives” but I couldn’t I just stood there taking in the scene in front of me.

“Well if you think it’s best” Mom said

“I think it is” Dad said.

“Youi ok with that Avril” he asked.

“Fine by me” she said.

Yeah I just bet it is you snake !!

“Ok let’s get going then” Dad said as he took Mom’s hand and walked through another exit with me and Avril following on, I could swear she smiled at me in a sarcastic way as we left the room.

Soon we were in an unmarked car with a WPC driving and just over 30 minutes later we were turning into a residential street and there in front of us was the lair of the snake.

Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery – On Home Shores

The Finale – Part 1

3 Months Later

It’s been three months now since the day that Michael / Tracey left the Cruise ship and arrived back to good old normal home life.

I left my story the last time as we approached Avril’s house in the back of an unmarked Police Car. WPC Crawford a rather attractive woman in her thirties helped us inside with our bags before leaving us to it.

This was the first time I had been inside Avril’s house; I mean why, would I have wanted to go there before. It was probably no more than I expected a bit flamboyant that matched her character to a tee. Straight away I smelt trouble as we had hardly been there fifteen minutes when I learned that my place of sleep would be downstairs on a camp bed while Mom and Avril shared a room upstairs, now there was a surprise! While Avril busied herself finding the camp bed Mom made us all some hot drinks and a snack before bed.

With the camp bed set up we sat around the spacious living room eating and drinking, conversation was at a minimum as I inwardly seethed at my Dad for putting us here. In fairness though, how could he know that he was giving Avril the opportunity to get her rather pointy claws into his wife? After all he couldn’t be blamed for the media attention on him and I was sure that what he was doing was what he thought was best. We spent about an hour just sitting there before Mom and Avril headed upstairs, resigned to my bed downstairs I slipped inside the covers and tried to sleep.

An hour past, it was impossible to nod off; too much was racing through my brain. I got up quietly and pulled on the shirt and shorts I had worn. My holdall was still in the corner, opening it I rummaged through it till I found a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Quietly I slipped out into the hallway; flicking the lighter into life I found the box that operated the house alarm. With the light of the lighter helping I flipped open the little Perspex cover over the dials and pressed the “Disable Alarm” button. Slowly I moved to the door and opened it not closing it fully behind me I stepped out into the night air.

I was chilly well certainly a lot more chilly then it had been for the last ten days on holiday. I shivered a little as I opened the pack of cigarettes and took one out lighting it I inhaled deeply and blew white smoke into the night air. I stepped out a bit further forward and looked upwards; Avril’s bedroom looked out onto the front. The light was out so at least they were in bed. At least I thought that’s a laugh they were probably wrapped up in each others arms or engaged in some hot sex. Taking another draw from the cigarette I turned and looked away to the right of the house just a mile down that road was my own house my own bed and a Dad that was totally unaware of what his son had been up to for the last week and possibly even more importantly totally unaware of what his wife had been up to as well.
Taking a final draw from the cigarette I stubbed it out on the wall and slipped back inside the house. Returning to the camp bed I undressed and slipped under the cover it took a while but eventually I nodded off for the night.

Next day we had a visit from the WPC who brought us home the day before with a couple of bags of fresh clothes. For me that was a godsend and while I would have preferred the bag to have been full of some nice skirts and tops at least I had some of my own stuff back. My stuff came along with my X-Box and some games which was also a relief and at least I had something to occupy my mind. Mom, Avril and the PC chatted away as the washing machine churned away washing all the holiday clothes. I took the chance to go and change then sneak outside for a quick cigarette.

I’d only just lit up when the side door opened and WPC Crawford emerged turning in my direction she walked towards me.

“Hi its Michael isn’t it” she said extending her hand.

I shook her hand.

“Can I bum a ciggie off you” she asked.

“Eh ok, here” I said offering them to her.

She took the packet and took one out handing them back to me.

“That’s a strange brand for a boy” she said as I offered her my lighter.

“Peril’s of being at sea, there was not much choice on board” I said as she cupped her hands around the lighter and lit her cigarette.

“I suppose, I’ve not seen VS120’s since I was last in America” she said before blowing a cloud of smoke in the air. “I’d actually given up till recently, the stress of the investigation got me started again” she added as she took another draw and blew smoke to the floor.

“It must have been hard going, didn’t I see you on TV at the farmhouse with one of the girls when they found them”

“Yeah that was me, it’s been a great team effort though lots of hours put in but worth it in the end.” she paused “Did you enjoy your holiday” she asked.

“It was different” I said.

“How different?” she enquired.

“Oh I meant not having Dad with us or it being a cruise I’d never been on one before”

“I’ve never been on one either, it’s on my must do list though”

“So how long do you think we will be here WPC Crawford?” I asked.

“Call me Heather,” she said before adding “Not sure at least to the end of the week, it’s quieting down a little bit but your Dad just wants to take the heat off you and your Mom”

I nodded.

“Anyway I better get going before I get caught smoking on duty and your Dad has me on a charge” she said dropping the cigarette and crushing it under her shoe.

“Thanks for bringing some stuff over” I said.

“No problem it was your Dad’s idea he misses you, I’ll see you soon” she said as she turned the corner and was gone from sight. I could hear her engine start up and pull away as I dropped my own cigarette to the floor and went back inside.

Just over a week later we were back home in truth it had not been too bad at Avril’s she had somewhat laid off me but the night before we came back home she choose to give me another reminder of her and Mom.

I was dozing on the camp bed when I heard footsteps on the stairs. She walked into the kitchen wearing a particularly skimpy nightdress. Avril’s living area had a wall knocked through into the kitchen from where I was lying I could see her walk across to some cupboards and take out two glasses. She walked back to the fridge and took out a full bottle of red wine. I could not see fully due to the lack of light whether she had anything else on but I was 100% certain she was at the very least topless under her nightdress. Taking the two glasses and the bottle she disappeared from the kitchen and I heard her pad back upstairs.

“She needs to go” I said quietly to myself before trying to get back to sleep.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Back home thing’s pretty much returned to normal well as normal as they could for me. Soon I was back at college and Mom back teaching. Dad remained a bit of a minor celebrity with a couple of TV appearances; god knows what it will be like next year when the trial starts I remember thinking.

He was also sent down to Humberside after another girl went missing to help them with their enquiries. Happily that turned out to be a false alarm after the girl was found shacked up in a hotel about 20 miles away with one of her teachers !

I on the other hand was struggling with my return to normality. Don’t get me wrong I was doing ok at college but not being able to dress as Tracey was driving me nuts. There were a couple of opportunities that I could have dressed at home, but after what I had experienced on the ship 24/7 for 8 days had wasted that. The thought of just getting dressed for a couple of hours and then going back to Michael was not appealing. I had bought one or two little things on-line to add to my Tracey collection. I’m sure Mom must have realised what I was doing but the subject had never been mentioned again.

I had e-mailed Mhari a couple of times and we had on-line conversations so she knew how I felt and understood that the need was increasing with each passing week. In fact if there had been a methadone for crossdressers then I would have been on full strength. Then out of the blue an unexpected opportunity presented itself to me.

Dad came home to announce that he had been invited to go to summit meeting of police forces in Europe who had dealt with hostage and kidnap situations. The plan was to leave on a Tuesday morning, travel to Rotterdam where the event was being held, then return the following Tuesday. A plan was forming in my head but this needed some careful thought and a lot of co-operation from Mom.

I waited for an opportunity to approach Mom. I got home early from college Mom was sitting in the kitchen marking test papers a glass of wine by her side and a cigarette in her hand.

“Mom can we talk for a minute” I asked popping open a can of Coke I waited on her reply.

“Sure just give me a minute to finish this paper”

I climbed on to a stool the other side of the breakfast bar and sat down.

Putting down her pen and taking of her glasses she stubbed out her cigarette and asked “What’s on your mind?”

I started nervously “It’s just, eh you know, I….”

“Michael what is it”

“I was wondering it’s been months since we got back from the cruise and I’ve kinda…..” I stopped again.

“You want to dress up again” she asked.

I blushed while taking a nervous drink from my can a small amount tricking down my chin.

“Eh well I suppose”

“Ok then when”

I was stunned, had she just said yes, was I hearing things, my heart was beating rapidly.

“Well I was wondering that week Dad goes to Rotterdam, I could call Mhari we could all meet up in Edinburgh sort of girls weekend” I was babbling the words spilling out at lightning speed.

“I said Ok” she replied picking up her cigarettes from the worktop, she pulled one out and lit it, “Now can I get some more work done”

“I mean…….. Ok yes” was all I could say before turning and leaving the room I needed to contact Mhari.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The days passed slowly and finally the week that would welcome Tracey back into the world for a short period. Mom took Dad to the airport to see him off on his trip with a couple of colleagues before plans could get fully under way.

Back home I began my rebirth by taking a shower I used liberal amounts of hair remover on my skin to return to that smooth Tracey that had been on the cruise. Mom had skipped off to Avril’s which worried me a bit but she did had produced a plausible excuse explaining that the case with most of “Tracey’s” wardrobe was still at Avril’s house. This did worry me a bit but it made some sense that it was out of the house and away from any risk of Dad finding it.

A couple of hours passed by which time I had left the bath and sat in the kitchen with one of Mom’s robes on my hair wrapped up in a towel. My hair worried me a bit as it had not grown back to the length it was but Mom had promised to fix that and I did have the hair extensions I had bought on holiday. Worrying about what was going on along the road should have been more on my mind but after a glass of wine and a cigarette I relaxed into the evening.

Time passed and it was gone nine by the time Mom emerged in the living room with a case in tow.

“Sorry we got talking” she said

“Its fine, I hope you don’t mind I put this robe” on I said.

“No that’s ok” she sat down opposite me, “Take your case upstairs and I’ll make us a couple of drink’s we can retransform you tomorrow, maybe nip out grab a spot of lunch and I’ll book us somewhere to stay at the weekend.”

I got up “Avril fine” I asked.

“Yeah just her usual chatty self” she said as she rose from the chair.

Yeah I bet I thought to myself as I lifted the case and carried it upstairs to my room. While I wanted to say more I did not want to risk her co-operation over my weekend away so it was time to bite my tongue a bit, after all tomorrow Tracy would be back!

Mom was true to her word and the next morning after another relaxing bath in some scented bath salts, I was back in her room with a bathrobe wrapped around me. Mom immediately went to work on my hair producing the hair extensions I had bought on holiday along with some new extensions that she had somehow remarkable acquired. One thing was sure you can usually give my Mom 10 out of 10 for coming up with the goods when needed!

About an hour later my hair was complete this time the bright blonde I had on holiday had been combined with some dark brown extensions which gave my hair a sort of streak effect. In truth it looked good and I was sent packing while Mom got ready to do my own make up. With the knowledge I gained on holiday soon Tracey was back and a rather familiar face stared back at me from the mirror.

Mom had hinted at evening attire as mentioned a meal and maybe a drink after. As well as that I had to pack for our trip to Edinburgh so carefully selecting some clothes for the next couple of days I packed them away and made sure that I had all the essentials ready for our weekend trip.

Time was pressing on and it was late afternoon by the time that I had my case packed and ready. I sat down and carefully applied some fake nails to my finger painting them a dark red shade to match the lipstick I was wearing. Touching up my make-up I put some essentials including my cigarettes in a black clutch purse and got dressed.

I picked out a black pencil skirt short but just above the knee. A red silk blouse was next with a wide black leather belt with a gold hooked buckle to finish off. I put on what minimal jewellery I had before slipping on a pair of three inch stilettos with a gold metal heel that I had bought some time ago.
I picked up my bag and walked downstairs the kitchen was empty still no sign of Mom, opening the fridge I found a half empty bottle of white wine and poured myself a glass. Sitting at the breakfast bar making sure I crossed my legs properly when back in the Tracey mode I pulled out my cigarettes and lit up the familiar red lipstick stain on the tip as I exhaled for the first time that day.

Ten minutes later Mom appeared in a rather nice short blue dress with a sweeping neckline, matching blue high heels completed her outfit. Her make up a mixture of blue and silver, with a slightly lighter shade of red lipstick form what I was wearing adorning her lips. She sat opposite me and poured the last of the wine into her glass.

“I thought we would get a cab into town have a meal at a little Italian me and your Dad have used sometimes and then grab a drink in a local bar that sound ok to you ?”

“Fine, you look nice, new dress” I asked.

“I got it a couple of weeks back” she replied draining the last of her wine, “Go back upstairs and grab a jacket from my wardrobe” she said as she picked up her phone and began to dial a number.

I left and went back upstairs in her wardrobe I found a black blazer like jacket that I pulled on it would have been a bit tight if I buttoned it but left open it was fine and the sleeve length was ok heading back downstairs I heard the honk of a car horn.

“Tracey that’s the cab” she called as I stepped into the hallway.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

The cab drive was quiet on the way into town we were dropped across the road from the Restaurant Mom paid I got out carefully adjusting my skirt. The sound of our heels clicking on the pavement, two engineers working at a telephone junction box stopped casting admiring glances at both of us as we walked by. Soon we were seated and enjoying a pre meal drink. The restaurant was small and intimate, just the sort of venue for couple I thought as we made our selections from the menu.

Our meal was a good quality and we chatted away throughout like any mother and daughter sharing some time together. I had fallen back in to Tracey mode with surprising ease acting and gesturing like any female would and raising no suspicions with the waiters or the small number of other customers in the restaurant. As we left the resonant the waiter helped us on with our jackets and we were each handed a single red rose as we made our way out another sign of how convincing I had become.

Mom led me up a couple of streets looking for a bar we eventually turned down a narrow cobbled alley to an open courtyard a bar say across the square we made our way over and inside. The décor was classy and while a subdued in lighting we found a booth to sit at Mom left to get some drinks while I slid inside the booth.

We must have been there for around 45 minutes when the door swung open to the bar and who wanders in but Avril. She strode across the room towards us.

“Hi girls” was her opening words as she stopped in front of our booth, “I’ll get us some drinks” she announces before turning back towards the bar.

I turned looking at Mom my eyebrows raised in an enquiring way.

“Oh I knew Avril was going to be in town so I asked her to drop buy for a drink” Mom said with a smile “You don’t mind do you” she asked?

I shrugged and picked up my glass draining the rest of the drink in disgust that she had showed up.

We sat in the booth conversation flowing between Mom and Avril with only brief interjections by me as the night moved on. Suddenly my mobile phone rang I looked at the caller display it was Mhari. Grateful for the interruption on the night I made my excuses and picked up my bag.

“Mhari, yeah just a minute” I said as I crossed the floor of the bar to the exit.

Outside I explained about my day so far out with Mom the meal then Avril showing up.

“She’s not coming to Edinburgh” Mhari asked.

“Well I don’t think so, but then who knows I never expected her to appear tonight. I’ll make sure that I mention to Mom about it later” I said.

“Ok well I’m arriving in Edinburgh around 5, I’ll just pop over to your hotel when I get in and change then we can hit the town. Do you think your Mom will come with us?”

“Don’t know, maybe” I said.

“Doesn’t matter if she does I’m so looking forward to seeing you babe” she said.

“Me too, can’t wait for a good night out.”

“Well see you tomorrow and get back in there and don’t let Avril spoil your night, luv ya” she said as she rang off.

I opened my bag and dropped the phone inside, taking out my cigarettes I pulled one from the packet and lit up. The night air was cool and refreshing I could feel the air circle around my stockinged legs as I drew on my cigarette and blew out a cloud of smoke.

I finished my cigarette and after a quick spray of perfume I walked back inside. Heading straight to the bar I bought a round of drinks and went back to the booth. I hadn’t noticed when I came in but the booth was empty no sign of Avril or Mom as I put the drinks on the table and slid into the booth. Both their glasses were gone as well which was strange. I picked up my drink and took a sip.

I had been back about five minutes nervously sitting there on my own, when another girl approached me. I figured her to be maybe a couple of years older than me. She was dressed in tight jeans with holes in the knees like today’s style, a tee-shirt with some weird political slogan on it that made no sense to me and a little denim jacket.

“Do you mind” she said as she slid in beside me.
“I’m waiting for someone” I said.

“Oh I saw then they will be back in about ten minutes” she replied.

“Where are they” I asked.

“Oh just through the back, I’ll take you through and show you in a minute or two” she replied.

“What’s through there?” I asked.

She ignored the question.

“I saw you come in with the other woman and then the friend came over I thought you were a couple at first” she said.

“What a couple like…..” I blushed “Eh that’s my Mom and the other woman is her friend” I said, unsure why I was explaining myself.

“Oh so you’re not a couple then”

“No were not” I replied forcibly.

“That’s ok then” she said taking a drink for her glass I could feel her hand come to rest on my knee. I froze a bit, it moved a little higher.

“What do you think you’re doing” I said.

“Just being friendly I was hoping we could maybe hook up” she said looking up into my eyes’.

“I’m not like that” I said.

“Yeah sure, I’ve seen it all before, smart office girl comes in after work trying to find herself an escape from her boyfriend, a little experiment,” she said as her hand caressed the inside of my leg.

“No I’m serious I’m not like that,” I said lifting her hand from my leg and moving it over.

“So what are you doing cruising a lesbian bar” she asked.

I blushed again this time a bit more deeply, I looked around. I must have been stupid there had been only one male in the bar all the time we had been here with the exception of the guy behind the bar it had been all females. Fuck sake the nerve of it they had brought me to a lesbian bar!

“So” she asked.

“Sorry I didn’t know”

“I just thought well you know I’ve seen the red head here before but not your Mom” she said as she took another drink before going on “I just thought you looked hot and as I said lots of mixed up office girls come in here looking for a bit of action.”

“So where have they gone” I asked sounding a bit annoyed.

“I suppose they are in the kissing booth” she replied.

“Show me” I demanded.

She stood up and I followed her, we made our way through the back down a narrow hallway to the back of the pub. It was quite dark but still well decorated. We turned a corner I could hear some music as we approached another room. The girl turned and put her fingers to her lips for me to be quiet. I followed her and we moved on she motioned for me to look through a slight gap in the door.

In the room a girl was dancing topless she writhed in front of Avril and Mom they were relaxing back on a settee watching her dance both with arms wrapped around each other. I stepped back the urge to throw up was on my mind. How could the two of them be so blatant I turned and hurried away from the room back along the corridor and outside, the girl followed.

I made my way straight back outside and hastily lit another cigarette; my new found friend arrived beside me and joined me for a smoke.

“I take it you never knew about them” she asked gesturing towards the bar.

“I kinda had a suspicion” I said

“So is your Dad” still around she asked.

“We still live together” I said as I took a hard pull on the cigarette.

“It could just be a little experiment” she said.

“Maybe” I said looking on into the distance.

“Well, it’s a shame that you’re not into girls” she said gently caressing my arm, she dropped the cigarette and crushed it out. “I’ll just head off and try my luck elsewhere, if you ever change your mind though you know where you can find me” she said as she turned and walked away down the street.

I took my time had another cigarette before going back inside. In total since I had left to answer Mhari’s call it had been around 30 minutes. I had just slid back into the booth when Avril and Mom rounded the corner walking side by side.

As they reached the table I said “I got us some drinks” as they climbed in beside me.

“Thanks babe” Mom said as the night continued as if nothing had happened.

It was around 2 hours later when after dropping Avril of we pulled stopped outside our house in our cab home. I climbed out and went to open the door as Mom paid the driver. Back inside I poured a large glass of wine. Mom appeared in the kitchen.

“You enjoy tonight” she asked.

“It was ok” I replied.
“Did you enjoy it” I asked.

“I did yes; maybe we should do something like that more often.”

I walked forward “Yeah maybe we should.”

I stepped past Mom to the door.

“Mom Avril’s not coming with us tomorrow is she,” I asked

“No dear” she responded as she poured her own glass of wine.

“Why do you ask” she said.

“Oh I just wondered I’m going up to bed tomorrow will be a long day, goodnight Mom” I said as I left the room.

“Night Tracey” she responded as I approached the stairs.

Upstairs I sat on my bed and pulled a cigarette from my bag opening the window I sat on a little bench beside it and lit up. Slowly I smoked the cigarette and drank the wine thinking about what had happened tonight. The nerve of them taking me there and acting that way they obviously thought they had got away with it. I drank the last of the wine and dropped the butt of the cigarette out the window. I began to get undressed sooner or later whatever was going on between Avril and Mom was going to come out and what the consequences would be I had no idea but one way or another it had to come to a head.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I was still very much in a mood when I got up the next morning. Even though the excitement of the day ahead and seeing Mhari again was a boost, Mom and Avril’s behaviour last night had cast a shadow on the outing.

After a perfumed shower I got dressed in typical day time attire. I chose a pair of jeans which had got a bit tight on me since the holiday all that junk food at College had probably put an inch or two on me. A loose fitting knitted top which dropped over the top of the jeans hid my little spare inch. A pair of cork wedge sandals foe me feet, even though it was winter the weather was ok and I figured we would be in and out shops for most of the afternoon so my feet should be fine.

I combed out my hair and fixed my make-up subtle day tones so that I would blend in with the crowd. I picked up the overnight bag I had packed put away my make-up bag and grabbing a shoulder bag I dropped my other essentials in it and headed downstairs. There was no sign of Mom yet as I flicked on the kettle to make myself a morning coffee. Once the water had boiled I poured it into a mug stirring the coffee I added a dash of milk and opened the side door stepping outside I put the mug on the boundary wall and lit a cigarette. It was a bright day not cold but with a slight breeze wish sent the odd shiver down your body. Once I had finished my cigarette and drank my coffee I went back to the kitchen by this time Mom had appeared still in a dressing gown but pouring her own coffee as I got inside.

“Morning, your ready early” she said as I washed out the empty mug.

“Only been down about 10 minutes” I said.

“Ok I’ll finish this and get dressed be less than an hour” she said as I started to leave the room.

“Fine I’ll just catch the News” I said as I walked across the hallway towards the lounge. Inside I put the TV on and pulling my legs up under me I sat on the settee.

Just under an hour later our bags were loaded into the boot of the car and we were pulling out of our driveway on route to Edinburgh. By now I had resolved to try and disguise my annoyance at last night. After all Mom had agreed to this trip and the re-emergence of Tracey for a short time and the atmosphere was just going to ruin the trip. So normal Mom and Daughter conversation resumed with some light music in the background as we slipped on to the motorway to continue our journey.

Just over an hour later we were turning into the Car Park of the Hotel Mom had booked. In reception a rather attractive girl with jet black hair welcomed us. Mom introduced herself as Mrs McWilliams. The receptionist confirmed the booking for two singles. At least that put my mind at rest a bit a single room most likely meant that Avril would not be joining us for the evening. With the paper work done a porter collected our bags and showed us upstairs to the rooms.

As Mom closed her door she said “Half an hour and I’ll meet you down in the lobby for some shopping”

“Ok” I said as I followed the porter another two doors along to my room. Inside I emptied my overnight bag into the drawers. In the bath room I tidied up my make-up and transferring some thing’s to a smaller bag I grabbed a rain jacket Mom had loaned me as the weather outside had not looked clever. Within the thirty minutes we were out on the street and heading to the nearest shopping centre.

The shopping trip was uneventful; the truce between me and Mom was holding we acted just like a mother and daughter out shopping. Mom insisted in buying me a new dress despite the fact that my limited appearances as Tracey meant that I could not really understand the logic behind the purchase but buy it she did. I for that matter was just as bad though as I couldn’t resist splashing out on a pair of black knee length suede boots with five inch heels!

We found a tearoom and sat with an afternoon coffee and a sandwich. My mobile rang looking at the display I saw Mhari’s name come up. I got up and left to take the call outside I lit a cigarette as I began to chat to Mhari.

“Have you got here yet” I asked excitedly.

“The trains just outside Waverley just now, should be at the hotel in about half an hour, where are you”

“Were at a tearoom just down from Princes Square, were just finishing off a coffee before heading back should get back just about the same time I’ll meet you in the lobby” I said.

“Ok see you soon, I’m just going into a tu……” she said before her phone cut out.

I finished of my cigarette and made my way back inside a few minutes later we had finished up and were heading back to the hotel.

Mhari looked fab when we got back she still looked brown as if she had still stepped off the ship. Either she had some fake tan on or she had been topping up her look as my holiday glow had long since faded.

After numerous hugs between the three of us we retired upstairs, Mom heading back to her room and me and Mahri to mine.

Inside we crashed on the bed.

“So how have thing’s been” Mhari asked.

“Fine but it’s been hard being back to boring old Michael for most of the time.”

“What about the other thing” she said nodding towards the door I knew she meant Mom.

I told her about the visit to the bar just the other night.

“Either they are using you as some sort of cover, you know they let you be Tracey they do what they want knowing that you won’t spill the beans as they have a hold on you, or they are trying to just let you get used to the fact that they might be together.”

“I don’t know, I mean when Mom and Dad are together, everything seems just like normal, just as it was before.”

“It’s an awkward spot to be in and as I said on the ship only you can decide if you want to confront it or just let it go and see how it shapes up, either way there is some pain ahead. Anyway let’s get this party started.” Mahri said as she opened her bag and pulled out a bottle of white wine.

“You get the glasses I’ll get this open” she said as she got up off the bed.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

An hour later the wine was gone, and we were both putting the finishing touches to our make-up. Mhari was wearing a black lace dress that was just verging on the indecent, it was ultra-short and although pretty see through the bits that should be covered to spare modesty were covered.

After some persuasion I was wearing the dress Mom had bought me today, it was a cowl neck tight to the shoulders and waist, the skirt dropped to just over knee length but it had a craftily placed zip on the front that allowed it to be opened right up to the top of your thigh. I chose to open it no further than a couple of inches above the knee, combined with the boots I had also bought today it looked fab.

Mhari looked over at me as I was just about to do my lips.

“What shades of red lippy” do you have she asked.

“Just this one” I said opening a lipstick and rolling it up.

“Not red enough, just a minute I’m pretty sure I've got a better one in here.”

Mhari searched through her make-up bag “ Yeah here it is and this lip liner as well.”

She took out both item and tossed them across the bed to me.

“This is a pretty expensive lipstick” I said.

“It’s fine it’s only been used a couple of times just use it and pop it in your bag, I mean your gonna need it to touch up your lips with all the snogging were gonna do”

“Mhari” I said

“What girl I’m horny tonight so I’m on the prowl”

“You’re a bad girl” I said laughing at her comment.

“Well it’s been weeks since my lady garden had some attention and I hope tonight will change that” she said winking in my direction.

I opened the lip liner and applied it Mhari was right the lipstick was much more dramatic and a much better match for my dress than the one I had.

Ten minutes later after painting our nails and posing for a quick selfie before we left the room we were ready for the night ahead.