Some would call it the hand of god, others the fickle finger of fate, I like to think of it as the unconscious leading me where the conscious wasn't wise enough to. In any case, it was a minor miracle that I would notice a picture of a friend I hadn't seen in over 20 years, in the obituaries (which I never read) in a paper 800 miles from home.

Of course the cynics would say “It's because you've seen the picture before”. In fact I was there when the picture was taken, and it was quite a memorable occasion, four girls (actually two young women and there TV husbands) out on the town. We had started the weekend getting glamour photos taken, and that was the source of the photo, I had recognized. This started strings of memory and motivated me to want to attend the memorial.

So I found myself meeting Kevin Greene again. “Bet you don't recognize me.”

He surprised me, “ Well it's been a long time, but I think you might be Chrissie, ah Chris Grey.”

“Boy you are good! Sorry about Barbara, you two were always such a joy to be around. You just radiated love for each other, and made the whole environment brighter.”

“Thanks in part to you and Grace, for helping us over one of the major hurdles in our marriage. How is Grace?”

“Dead, from ovarian cancer about 7 years ago.”

“That must have been hard on you.”

“Not really. We were divorced and estranged. I would only find out what was happening, belatedly though my daughter. I wasn't even invited to the funeral.”

“That's surprising, you were the model couple for the group, and helped so many others, like
Barbara and I. I can see we have a lot of catching up to do. But right now I have a lot of other people to greet. Do you have a card?”

I took out one of my, “Have motor home, Will travel” cards, and exchanged it for one of Kevin's business cards with his address, home phone and personal E-mail written on.

I didn't recognize anyone else at the wake and left soon thereafter.

A couple months later, I answered the phone. “Hello.”

“Chris?”

“Yes.”

“Kevin Greene, I really appreciated seeing you, sorry we didn't have more time.”

“I understand. How are you doing?”

“ It's hard. I really miss Barbara. But lots of friends have been checking up on me. It almost get's intrusive at times.”

“ Be thankful. Grieving is hard, but it's harder alone.”

“What's up with you. I thought you were living down south.”

“ I'm off on new adventures. About three months ago I retired, sold my home and bought a 40 foot motor home. I was on my maiden voyage, visiting my Dad when I saw Barbara's picture in the obits.”

“That explains a lot. I was wondering about the business card. What's Chrissie up to?”

“Pretty much back in the closet. The Bible Belt, especially small town south were I was living, is not conducive to being out.”

“But traveling in a motor home would present all kinds of opportunities.”

“I don't even have a female wardrobe with me.”

“You did say, you were back in the closet. I find that surprising. You seemed to enjoy being out, and seemed comfortable as Chrissie.”

“I enjoyed being accepted as Chrissie. But I fear being rejected or worse as Chrissie, and the risks outweigh possible rewards.”

“For most of us it's a compulsion that is hard to suppress.”

“After my son, Mark was killed, I think both Grace and I went into depression. I really didn't have the energy for the transformation and Grace wasn't there for encouragement and emotional support.”

“Didn't you try to connect with a support group after your divorce?”

“I went to a few meetings, but I didn't really connect with anyone like you, and it didn't seem to fill a need.”

“ I think I remember you dropped out of our group for a while, with a similar explanation, but you came back.”

“It turned out I missed you and Barbara and a few of the others.”

“Thank you, I also wanted to thank you for the comment about Barbara and I radiating love.”

“You really did.”

“We always loved each other. But my transvestism was really threatening the marriage until you and Grace got us on the right track.”

“We were all groping for ways to cope. The interaction helped us all.”

“Back then it seemed to a lot of us you had found the magic formula in Grace. And we wanted a little of your Pixie dust.”

“I guess subsequent events have proved otherwise.”

“Death of a child is harder than transgender issues. Without Grace, Barbara would never have agreed to the picture weekend, and in retrospect, that weekend was pivotal to our marriage.”

“I have fond memories of that weekend. But, how was it pivotal to your marriage?”

“That was the turning point, in changing Barbara's view of Kate from rival and enemy, to friend and ally in keeping Kevin happy. Barbara was having real trouble accepting Kate, and I was feeling rejected and unacceptable. Having that part of me, cause Barbara so much pain, also weighed on me. Grace told Barbara that she had to find a way to cope with Kate. That she had to accept that Kate was part of the man she loved, and that Kate wasn't going to go away, unless she took Kevin with her. She knew how much it hurt to see the man she loved try to transform himself into a woman. But she had to find a way to accept that part of Kevin and integrate it into the marriage. She said that, for her taking the role of big sister/girl friend worked pretty well. She actually took some pride in helping create Chrissie's ladylike appearance and comportment. She suggested trying the role of girl friend to Kate for the weekend and see how it worked. She said she found Kate one of the nicest of the TV's and one she liked as a girlfriend. She said she found going out with Chrissie terrifying, but that there hadn't been any trouble in your previous outings, and that she felt Kate was more passable than Chrissie. She suggested that Barbara would find it much easier to cope if she regarded Kate as a friend and ally in keeping Kevin happy, rather than a rival. That talk is what got Barbara to agree to that weekend outing.”

“I didn't know she had done that. But it is the kind of thing she would do.”

“We agreed that was the best marriage counseling we ever got.”

“So, what are you going to do now?”

“I have started thinking about life after Barbara. It's the reason I called. I was thinking of the talks we had, and how helpful I found your judgment and perspective. I wanted to invite you to come visit when you are in this area again. Actually I would like to visit with Chrissie if you can get her out of the closet. But a visit with Chris would also be fine.”

“I don't have anything scheduled right now, but I want to accept your offer. Let me get back to you when I can schedule the visit.”

“ Can I expect Chris or Chrissie?”

“Let me think about that too.”

“I'm looking forward to it either way.”

“Me too!”

“This may be a good place to end this call.”

“Yeah.”

“Bye for now.”

“ Call any time. Goodbye.”

With what I sensed was some reluctance on both sides, the call ended.

Note: The chapter numbers don't align with the posting numbers, because multiple chapters have been posted together

After the phone call, I couldn't get Chrissie out of my mind. I had come to use her mostly as a masturbating tool. The prospect of getting out of the closet, seemed to bring out the old urges and compulsions. They seemed stronger and more compelling than I remembered them. After a night with very little sleep, I went to my storage locker and loaded a cardboard movers wardrobe and two large boxes of Chrissie's things into the motor home. The next two days were spent sorting trough these. Few of the mostly 30 year old clothes would be of any use. I had put on weight (probably one of the reasons I was no longer comfortable presenting as Chrissie ) and most of the clothes would never fit me again. Also much of it was dated. I hadn't realized how many pairs of pointy toed stilettos I owned. I had memories of being pretty confident in heels, but trying them on again felt wobbly and insecure.

It was becoming clear that I would have no peace until Crissie scheduled a visit with Kate. So I called Kevin and scheduled a visit in two weeks. I would drive north on Monday, spend Monday night in a Walmart parking lot, then arrive at Kevin's Tuesday afternoon, transform into Crissie in his driveway, in the motor home and have a hen party with Kate that evening.

I was like a kid waiting for Christmas. I had to buy new cosmetics, foundation, powder, eye liner, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, rouge, nail polish (and acrylic nails), even perfume, and practice with them. I had forgotten how involved the transformation was, and realized that it wasn't so much social concerns, but depression and the resulting lack of energy to do the transformation that had put me back in the closet. I washed my wig. I had many wigs, but the shoulder length brunette that Grace had finally convinced me was most flattering, had pretty much become Chrissie's standard, and I was pretty sure that is how Kate would remember Chrissie.

The choice on clothes was not as easy as the hair. While I managed to put together a few outfits that might work from the old clothes, I also did some shopping for new outfits. Back when we had known each other at the tri-S meetings heels and dresses had been pretty standard, even then real women were seldom seen that way except for formal parties, church, and a few jobs. We used to say you could pick out the GG's because they were the one in flats and pants. From what I saw of the TV scene on the internet, this had changed somewhat. The focus had shifted from providing a safe place to express our alternate persona, to helping us be comfortable owning that persona. Nowadays that often included blending into and being comfortable in the larger society.

Finally the time to visit Kate came.

The trip went uneventfully, and with a little help from the GPS I pulled into Kevin's driveway about 2PM Tuesday. He quickly came out to greet me. I gave him a quick tour of the motor home and offered him a beer. He protested that I was his guest and I should come into the house. I countered that Chrissie was Kate's guest and she had hardly let me get any sleep since the invitation. He relented and I opened a beer for each of us, and we sat to talk.

“This is a nice set up, how are you enjoying it?”

“It's still pretty new for me. I was on the maiden voyage when I reconnected with you. But so far I am finding it quite comfortable and enjoyable.”

“If I did something like that, my first thoughts would be adventures for Kate.”

“Until you reawakened her, Chrissie was pretty dormant. But she is anxious to get out of the closet now.”

“I'll get going then. How long does Chrissie need to get ready?”

“Good question, I'm not really sure, don't have much recent experience. It's 2:30 now why don't we shoot for 4:00. I'll give you a call when I'm ready.”

“Sounds good. Looking forward to seeing Chrissie again.”

“Not as much as she is looking forward to getting out of the closet.”

“OK then see you in a bit.”

With that Kevin returned to his house.

I began with a close shave. I had shaved my legs, underarms and chest the night before. Next I put on the nails. This was not the most practical approach, but helped put me in a feminine state of mind. Next the “very red” (that was the label on the bottle) polish, not the current fashion, but my archaic notion of sexy. I admired the nails as they dried and began to feel the tension relief that had once made dressing nearly addictive.

Next came a pair of pink nylon bikini panties. They were tight enough to be an effective gaff, yet the lace trim and little bow added to the delightful feminine feeling. Then came my 36B front hook, nude, under wire bra. This was from the old clothes and had been my favorite. My silicone enhancers had survived the storage in good shape and were added. Pulling in the loose flesh on my chest created a natural cleavage. This had been harder to obtain in my younger days. After I pulled on a new fresh from the package pair of control top panty hose I was ready to start on my face. The start was the Merle Norman Beige foundation, that Grace had found for me so many years ago. Next came a little blush and then powder to set the foundation, followed by white and sky blue eye shadow and black liquid eye liner, then mascara. The lipstick was very red, not the current fashion, but that of the Chrissie, Kate would remember. Putting the wig on, combing it and looking in the mirror at Chrissie. I'm not sure how much self delusion was involved, but I thought I looked pretty good.

I put on the ivory colored silk blouse and a white pleated skirt that came just above my knees. For shoes I settled on white skimmer flats. I checked the clock, 3:35. I added a bracelet watch, a silver heart locket, silver dangle earings, and an emerald ring. I checked everything in the mirror, combed my hair, decided all was OK. I called Kate at 3:45 and she said she was ready for me and to come over. I remembered to put on some white linen perfume, and left the closet.

I took the long step out of the closet, the short distance to Kate’s door.

Kate met me at the door, the image of a 1950 sitcom mom, shirt dress, heels and full makeup.

“I've missed our talks” as she hugged me.

“I was so anxious, after your invitation, I could hardly sleep.”

“Come in and get comfortable, we have a lot of catching up to do.” as she led me to the family room. Have a seat, I'll get us some refreshments.”

She was back in a flash with a bucket of ice with a bottle of wine in it, “You can open that while I get us some glasses” as she handed me a corkscrew.

She was back with a tray of cheese and crackers and two glasses as I was screwing the corkscrew into the cork of the bottle of white zin.

“I am really glad you came. It was a real surprise to see you at the wake.”

I filled both glasses. “I was visiting my dad and recognized Barbara's picture. You guys had been special to me, and it fit my schedule so I stopped by.”

“As I grappled with my loss. I remembered how helpful our discussions had been and wished you were around here, to talk with.”

“You must have lots of other people, you can talk with.”

“Not about Kate, and not who's opinions I respect as much as yours.”

“I know you have remained active with Tri-S so you should have lots of people to talk about Kate, unlike closeted Chrissie.”

“Yes, but you are unusually objective for that community. Most distort the world to fit their views.”

“That's probably true of people in general.”

“You're probably right, but for whatever reason I respect your opinion more than most.”

“Thank you, it sounds like you have something specific you want my opinion on?”

“Well yes, I had thought we would get deeper into the wine before getting here. I loved Barbara more than anything, but now that she is gone I think I would like to explore Kate more deeply.”

"What do you mean by that and what do you want my opinion on?”

“I would like to explore living full time as Kate, and I would value your thoughts on that.”

“That's a decision only you can make. You are well equipped to give it a try. You have one of the best package of appearance and presentation of any TV I have known. Your speech is convincingly feminine. Beyond that you have what I would call true feminine beauty, a kind, caring, nurturing empathy for others. I suspect you really need to explore life as Kate, and recommend that you do.”

“Thank you. I really value your opinion. And am flattered by what you have said.”

“Don't get too carried away. I think you need to explore. But you have spent over 50 years as a rather successful male. You have been successful as a husband, father and a businessman. Important parts of who you are, are tightly wound with that male identity. I have seen others get caught up in the fantasy and fun of escape into femininity, and make changes they later regretted. Don't let yourself get caught in the fantasy that changing into Kate's full time, will magically make your life better. You need to work on hanging onto the best of Kelvin and integrate it with the best of Kate regardless of how you choose to present yourself. Don't just exchange a male cage for a female cage.”

“That sounds good, but putting Chrissie back in the closet, doesn't look like practicing what you preach.”

“It's probably not. If I could comfortably be accepted as I choose to present myself. I would love to let Chrissie out of the closet. But society isn't ready to accept people, presenting as male sometimes and female other times depending on their mood. If I have to pick one, it is male. Some of our younger people are taking other courses, such as androgynous or genderqueer, that didn’t exist for us. But they all seem to lead to outcast status. Which is not what anyone wants.”

“I am curious, about how and why you are back in the closet. I have never seen anyone, who got over the self acceptance hurdle, as successfully as you, go back in the closet.”

“At first it was mostly depression, transforming to Chrissie took more energy than I had, after Grace and I separated. But it really came down to not having a place where it was comfortable to be Chrissie. When I was with Grace support group meetings had become very comfortable for Chrissie. But, when I went to the local support group, I got hit on. With Grace, the meetings had seemed like the most asexual group I could imagine. But, I found getting hit on very uncomfortable. Part of me wanted to be attractive and have the power to turn men on. And part of me was pretty homophobic. In any case, I found getting hit on by a man in a dress, who I did not find attractive, was very uncomfortable.”

“That surprises me. Having seen you out on Michigan avenue, in broad daylight, in a wrap skirt that flashed leg up to your waist, and 5 ½ inch heels, I would have thought you would be able to handle an unwanted advance.”

“That wasn't Chrissie. That was Chris in drag. I had that discussion, with Grace. She didn't like that outfit. It didn't fit the image she was trying to create of Chrissie. I explained that we were going to a drag club with a group at “Be all”. That Chrissie had little chance to pass in that group. And this was a rare chance for Chris to camp it up in drag. Grace reluctantly went along with that.”

“I wouldn't have thought of it like that.”

“Well, in part it was a slick argument to get Grace to let me out in that outfit. But in retrospect there was a lot of truth in that. It was Chris in drag, and that provided a lot of armor, that Chrissie didn't have.”

“You're still the same Chrissie, I knew. Sensitive and vulnerable, and afraid to let it show.”

“In Chrissie mode, I can let it show more. That may be one of the more liberating aspects to spending time as Chrissie.”

“There is something very appealing about your vulnerability, it makes me want to hug you and comfort you.”

“ That would be nice.” And with that we embraced each other in a warm mutual hug. It did feel good. And it was something I wouldn't (maybe couldn't) do in Chris mode.

After a period of silence, both enjoying the warmth and security of each other’s embrace. Kate said “I hope you will always feel safe to be yourself with me.”

“That's the nurturing and caring that make you the beautiful woman on the inside, matching the beautiful woman on the outside.”

“Do you really think of me as a woman?”

“I think of you as a very nice human being. We all have parts of us that are labeled as masculine and other parts that are labeled as feminine. You and I both have more and stronger feminine elements than most genetic males. When you present as Kate I think of you as a woman, but I also know Kevin is also you. You have to decide for yourself how to balance your different aspects.”

“How do you balance your competing aspects.”

“I try not to make it a competition. I try to build the strengths of both aspects and enjoy the advantages of both aspects. As you know that is not always easy or successful.”

“How does that fit with being back in the closet?”

“While there is still some erotic appeal to wearing woman's clothing, it is primarily a cue on how I want others to relate to me. When I dress, I want people to accept me as a woman. I have not had people, in my life recently, that I could trust to do that. That is why your invitation means more than I can really express. So, I don't dress much anymore but, I still recognize my strong feminine components and try to integrate them into my male life.”

“How?”

“I think I am a better listener, by using my feminine empathy and desire to understand others emotions and suppressing the male urge to dominate the conversation. I had a female bridge partner that told me, 'I have never been able to talk to a man like I can talk to you, and that includes three husbands'. I was more like a girlfriend.”

“That must have felt good.”

“It did. But I used the opportunity to reveal Chrissie. She just didn't get it, She could not understand why a man would want to wear female clothes. I tried to explain that it, was not just the clothes but an emotional release from the constraints of the male role. But it still didn't make sense to her.”

“Did it adversely affect your relationship?”

“No, it went on pretty much as it had before. But I had expected more curiosity and probing and mostly just got, let's just drop this subject vibes. When I introduced Jean, my long term, long distance girlfriend, to the subject of my cross dressing, she was full of curiosity and probing. She claimed she could tell when I was in Chrissie mode, and that I actually had changes in voice and complexion.”

“Sounds like you found yourself an “A” girlfriend.”

“Pretty much. Grace was encouraging. Jean was pragmatic. At first she embraced the novelty of the situation, but she came to the conclusion 'Chrissie isn't much fun, she is too passive and needy.' I recognized she was right, Chrissie was a repository for those parts of me that were suppressed by the male role, the neediness, passivity, vulnerability, but also nurturing, empathy, caring. I realized a need to integrate Chris and Chrissie, not just use Chrissie as an outlet.”

“How is that working for you?”

“Well, I hardly worry at all if anyone perceives me as feminine. And until you invited me I had little urge to present as Chrissie.”

“I've missed Chrissie, and I'm glad you are here.”

We engaged in another long, quiet hug. As women we could exchange this show of caring and support. As men it would have been embarrassing.

“I hadn't realized how much I missed having someone to be Chrissie with. But you have gotten me to do most of the talking. Now it's your turn. Come on girl spill about your plans to bring Kate into the real world.” I refilled our glasses and waited for her.

“It's not really much of a plan. But as I try to imagine a life without Barbara I keep seeing Kate not Kevin. Though Barbara was very good about accepting Kate, part of the deal was that Kate kept a low profile. Now I think, I would like to let Kate be more out and about and see how I like it.”

“Have you thought about things like job and your relationship with your kids?”

“Like you, I don't have to work anymore, and Bob, my boss, knows about Kate, and wants to use me as a consultant if I retire, even if it is as Kate. I've talked to both kids. Kim says 'Whatever makes you happy, dad.' Keith says, ' I'm not really comfortable with the idea, but it is your decision, and I will continue to love you regardless.”

“So, you would just retire and start a new life as Kate?”

“That's the general idea, I would sell this place, It was too big for Barbara and I, it's way too much for me alone. I could move to a smaller place as Kate.”

“ Just bang, one day Kevin, the next day Kate, and no looking back?”

“Well, Kate has spent years preparing for this. And she has started making excursions into the real world. And I don't intend to burn all Kevin's bridges.”

“ It seems like there are a lot more things you need to think through.”

“That's one reason for your presence here. And I really do value and appreciate
this time with you. You are the best person, I can think of, to talk these things over with.”

“Do you consider yourself transsexual?”

“Probably. I am approaching this as a real world test, and the final answer depends on the test results. Remember when we inadvertently let a couple TS's join the club.”

“Yes, Virginia just about blew a gasket when she found out.”

“What I remember, is your comment, that spending a little time with them, made it clear to you that you weren’t one of them.”

“Yes, those guys really hated their genitals, they regarded them as deformities, whereas I am pretty fondly attached to mine.”

I envied your clarity on that. While I didn't hate my genitals. The idea of giving them up to be fully accepted as female, didn't seem like an unacceptably high price.”

“That doesn't get you fully accepted as female. With some, nothing ever will.”

“Of course, you are right. But the point is I questioned and still do where I stand
on this matter.”

“Have you had professional counseling?”

“I am seeing someone, like you, she says I am the one who has to decide. She is encouraging me to explore and experiment, but right now the focus is on grief management. I realize there will always be a hole that only Barbara could fill. But I am starting to look forward to exploring where my life, without her, may go. Though there are days it is hard to get up, knowing she won't be there for me, planning for a life as Kate is starting to energize me.”

“I think your doing very well. When Mark was killed, I think I stayed depressed for three years. I think you need to explore the Kate situation, and I think you are approaching it sensibly. Let me know if there is any way I can help you.”

“Being available, for this kind of talk, is what I want most from you. But if you are still around this Saturday I could use an escort to a dinner dance.”

“I am really enjoying this conversation, and want to have more like it, with you. I don't have fixed plans. But the way this is going, I would enjoy staying around thru Saturday. But being about 2 hours out of the closet, I don't think I'm ready for that kind of outing.”

“Actually I was thinking of Chris as an escort.”

“Chris isn't much of a dancer.”

“ That doesn't matter. I'd like his company and he would add a measure of safety to Kate's outing.”

“ OK, my brother would be happy to escort you.”

We continued on well into the early morning, despite Kevin having to go to work the next day. The next three days were more of the same, with Kevin going off to work, and Chris sleeping in and then going shopping, mostly for Chrissie, but also for provisions (mostly wine) for the evenings. In the evenings Kate and Chrissie continued the hen party, getting caught up on each others last 30 years, and further cementing the friendship.

Saturday came. Chris took Kate out to brunch at a breakfast buffet. We then went for a walk in a nearby forest preserve. Even though we were both dressed in jeans and tennis shoes, she looked quite feminine, even with minimal makeup. We held hands, and strolled through the woods. Enjoying the quiet. I thought to myself that Kate would have relatively little trouble, emerging into the real world.

She broke the silence, “Are you worried about tonight?”

“Only about making a fool of myself on the dance floor. After this morning with you, I don't expect any problems over you.”

“ About half the people there know about Kevin and Kate and Barbara. Most are fine with it. But there are always a few jerks. I think being with you will help minimize problems. But be ready to keep your cool, despite a few snide comments. And don't get all macho and try to defend my honor. I don't want any fights breaking out.”

“Thanks for the warning. I'll try to keep things under control.”

We squeezed each other's hand, as a show of mutual support.

After a nice walk we returned to Kate's car (she was driving as it was more practical than the motorhome). After we were in the car, she surprised me by leaning over and giving me a peck on the cheek. I was further surprised, at how warm that made me feel.

A little at loss, on how to respond, I said “Thank you I really enjoyed being with you this morning.” And then returned the kiss.

We returned to Kate's to get ready for the dance.

I wore a white short sleeve polo shirt under a navy cardigan, with black Docker slacks, black socks, and black loafers.

When I saw Kate, I felt under dressed. She wore a burgundy print peasant style dress. The neckline was cut low enough to show an alluring cleavage. The hemline was asymmetrical, going from 12” below her knee on her right to 4” above the knee on the left. Her shoes were a brown 2 1/2” Cuban heel with an ankle strap. Her shapely legs were encased in smokey black nylons. Her auburn hair gleamed as it brushed her shoulders. It was held away from her face with silver combs. She wore heavier makeup than I was used to. She had gone for the smokey eye look with dramatic eye liner and charcoal eye shadow blending into a burgundy matching her dress. She had emphasized her brows with a pencil, making them look even more feminine than usual. Her lips were drawn fuller than normal in a deep plum. Her skin appeared flawless and natural. But I knew there was much artistry in the shadings and application. The overall effect was to make her eyes and lips pop, and her other features daintier and more feminine. She was very attractive, with a hint of exotic. She seemed very self assured and confident to me. I envied that.

She said “You look very handsome tonight.”

“Little does it matter, all eyes will be on you. You are very lovely, and very enticing tonight.”

“ I'm ready if you are.”

“I'm as ready as I'm going to get. So let’s go.”

She drove her car. I could get to like being chauffeured. It was only about 4 miles. The strip mall had a Little Caesar's Pizza, a dollar store, a Subway, a couple vacant stores, and the dance club, which I guessed had been a drug store, before the chains had moved to larger stand alone buildings with drive thrus. Even though we were still early, the parking for the dance club and one of the vacant stores were already full and the second vacant stores lot was filling. She parked, I quickly got out and hurried around the car, to open her door, and help her out. I shut her door, and she locked it with the button on her key fob, and put the keys in her purse. I took her hand and walked her to the club. When we got in the door, it seemed everyone knew Kate, everyone wanted to how Kate was doing, with the loss of Barbara, and who her new friend was. I was introduced as an old friend who had moved away and was visiting.

The club had hardwood flooring, which looked like it might have been salvaged from a bowling alley. The back right corner, had the men's and ladies rooms. The back wall had a row of love-seats. The couples that occupied them, had set up TV trays. The left wall had a mismatched collection of restaurant booths. The right side, had a flea market collection of tables for 2, 4 ,6 ,8, or 12 with chairs.
The right front was a kitchen area, which had some long folding tables outside it. Just outside the kitchen area were a motel ice machine and a pair of vending machines, one with water and juices and one with soft drinks.

When the hellos and introduction were over, Kate led us to a table for two. As we passed two young couples, one of the guys remarked “I see our tranny has a new boyfriend” loudly. I was immediately irate, but thinking of Kate's warning, I avoided eye contact, and followed her to the table. When we sat down, I noticed a big bouncer type Kate had introduced me to, was talking to the the couples that had made the comment.

“It looks like your friends have your back.”

"They don't want any trouble. I see the comment irritated you, but you handled yourself well.”

“I thought of your warning and decided they weren't worth the hassle.”

“Well, you handled yourself very well, and I’m proud of you. If you ask at the kitchen they will give you a couple of plastic wine glasses. And you can get a bucket of ice, the buckets are next to the ice machine.” I did as suggested. Kate produced a corkscrew from her purse, and we were soon sipping wine. Music was playing (mostly big band) but only one or two couples were dancing. A number of new arrivals came to check on Kate, and get introduced to me.

It wasn't long, before they started putting paper plates plastic knives, fork and spoons, napkins and finally food on the long tables. The DJ announced the food was ready and started people in line, starting with the large tables. Our turn came quickly. The main course was beef stroganoff over noodles, there was tossed salad with a choice of dressing, green beans, a dinner roll and a dixie cup of chocolate or vanilla pudding. The plates were heavy duty. All in all, I thought it was a very nice, low budget meal.

We enjoyed each other’s company. Although the morning walk had been mostly quiet, we had been talking for four days, and the conversation was still flowing easily.

When people finished eating they took their plates to a garbage bin outside the kitchen area. The long tables had been emptied and taken down.

The music had changed to rock. The dance floor began to fill with gyrating bodies.

We finished our meals and I dumped our plates. When I returned, Kate motioned toward the dance floor, and we joined the mass of gyrating bodies.

When a slow number came on, we assumed the classical dance position. Kate leaned into me, more than I expected. To my surprise, my body responded to the smell of her perfume, and the feel of her breasts pressing into me. I was embarrassed, as I knew she could feel that part of me poking her.

When the dance ended. We went back to our table. She took my hand in hers, and said “You shouldn't be embarrassed. I take it, as a very sincere compliment.”

As I struggled to find an answer, one of Kate's friends came and asked her for a dance and she accepted.

He was a much better dancer than me. And I found myself mesmerized at Kate's beauty and grace, on the dance floor.

Kate was very popular, dancing with a dozen different men, including myself. She spent most of the evening dancing. I spent about half my time watching, mostly her. And the rest dancing, mostly with Kate, but also with a few other women.

On one of her few breaks, she asked “How are you doing?”

“I'm enjoying myself, much more than I expected. I haven't ever been the escort of the most beautiful woman at a dance before. And I'm finding, I quite enjoy it.”

“You don't mind me dancing with all the other men?”

“I enjoy watching your beauty and grace, almost as much as feeling you, close to me.”

At this point, she was again swept away to dance.

Later in the evening, they had couples do exhibition dances, like dancing with the stars. To my surprise Kate and the gentleman who had first asked her to dance, did a Latin dance (I think it was a Tango). I was again amazed at her grace and beauty as he lead her through dips and spins. I thought, what a waste, hiding this beautiful woman for fifty years.

On the drive home Kate asked “How was the evening for you?”

"Very enjoyable. You amazed me with your beauty and grace. I was very proud to be your escort. I don't think I have ever enjoyed a dance more.”

“I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Would you like to come in for coffee, or an after dinner drink?”

“That would be nice. Coffee will do. I am not that much of a drinker, and the half bottle of wine is more than enough for me.”

We got home (am I already calling it home?) and I scurried around, to handle Kate's door and help her out of the car. Kate let us in, and offered me a choice of coffees for her single cup brewer. I chose a hazelnut flavored coffee. She delivered my coffee with a kiss on my cheek.

As she brewed her cup, “I was very happy with you tonight. I was proud to have you as my date”, she hesitated, then continued “I really did feel complimented when you got turned on. But it reminded me of all the girls, who used to do everything they could to turn their date on, and then when they succeeded, ignore it and act as if nothing had happened. I don't want to be like that. So if you would like, I would be happy to assist in re-leaving any tensions I may have brought on.” She brought her coffee to the table, sat next to me, and took a sip. She then took my hand, and laid our clasped hands in my lap. My body involuntarily responded again.

“You don't have to do that.”

“You don't want me to.” she pouted.

“I very much want you to. But you have already given me an evening beyond all expectations.”

“Then do you want a hand job, a blow job, or to just forget it.”

I was a little surprised at how strong and blunt she had come on. But it was making me very hard. I manage a meek “Blow job.”

“Good that was my preference too. Let’s move to the living room and get comfortable.” She took her coffee and purse and led me to the sofa. She set her coffee and purse on the coffee table. I put my coffee down, as she began loosening my belt. Soon my pants and shorts were around my ankles, and she was commanding me to sit. She removed my shoes, pants and shorts, and set them aside. She curled up on the carpet between my legs and removed her shoes, letting out a sigh of relief. She took my hard member in her right hand and slowly spread my pre-cum around the head with her left index finger. The feeling was exquisite, and I was harder than I could remember being, in a long time. Her warm breath sent shivers of anticipation through me. She removed her hands reaching for her purse. “It's not that I don't trust you, but I promised my therapist, safe sex only.” Rummaging through her purse, she pulled out a condom. She opened the package, and placed the condom on my little, but very hard, head. She expertly rolled it down my shaft. The feel of her hand sliding down my shaft, exciting me even more. This was shaping up to be the best blow job of my entire life, when I ruined it by starting to worry what she might want in reciprocation. Despite my mental distraction, my body responded as she began teasing my tip with her tongue. When she clamped her lips around my shaft, and began pumping with both her hand and her lips, it didn't take long for me to explode into the condom. She kept me in her mouth as I slowly deflated, teasing the very sensitive head with her tongue. Eventually she withdrew her head, carefully removed the condom and began cleaning me with tissue from her purse.

“Would you like something for you, in reciprocation?” I ventured.

“No, I think we both have plenty to think about, and it been a long day. Let’s both get some sleep. We can talk more, in the morning.”

I got dressed and parting with a kiss (on the lips, with a little bit of tongue). I returned to the motorhome.

It took a while, to get to sleep. It had been a long time, since I had been attracted to someone, as strongly, as I had been to Kate that day. I had spent the whole day with her and had enjoyed it all. It was only when the thought of returning the pleasure she was giving me, that thoughts of Kevin intruded. Was I being homophobic? Would this be a problem, if our relationship grew, as I was beginning to hope it might? She had certainly convinced me, that there was a female soul inside that body. She had really taken charge of the situation, and I had found myself really enjoying that. How would this affect the friendship with Chrissie, which I also valued greatly? With all these questions bounce around my head, sleep did not come easily. But, eventually exhaustion ruled.

I was awaken by my phone. “Did you sleep well, lover?”

“As you said, there was a lot to think about, and it took quite a while to get to sleep.”

“Same for me. Are you ready for some breakfast?”

“You just woke me up. But I can be ready in 15 minutes.”

“Good. I'll be ready and waiting for you.”

As I opened the door, the aroma of fresh coffee greeted me. Followed shortly by a hug and a kiss, which I enthusiastically returned.

“You will make someone a great wife someday.”

“Is that an offer?”

“You definitely have my interest.”

A little jolt passed through my body as she took my hand, saying “Sit down.”

My place was set with a fresh cup of hot coffee, a glass of orange juice, and a plate ready for pancakes from the platter on the table, and crispy bacon from a plate. I sipped the coffee, letting out a contented sigh, and began loading my plate. I opted for the sugar free maple, from the collection of syrups.

“Well, did you reach any conclusions, thinking about last night?” queried Kate.

“Only that you shouldn't have much trouble, transitioning to Kate.”

“I am afraid there will be more and worse, of the unpleasant little incident, in the real world.”

“You transition better than anyone I have ever known. And while there are sure to be incidents I have great confidence, that you will handle them well.”

“You seemed to really enjoy yourself last night.”

I wondered if she was referring to the dance or the after activity. I chose the safe route “At first the club seemed a little seedy, but the food was good, and the people friendly, and I really enjoyed myself, after I got into the swing of things.”

“Yeah, it is a little low budget, but we try to keep costs down, so everyone can afford it. It's really come a long way in the 3 years it’s existed. Barbara and I were founding members.”

“I was surprised so many knew and accepted Kate.”

“Well there was an incident, a year and a half ago, at Halloween. Kate was taking the opportunity to make an appearance, and Barbara went in male drag. A couple of young males, were verbally harassing Kate similar to last night. Barbara exploded at them. She told them that I was a better man than they would ever be. And that she loved me whether I was in a business suit or a dress.” It was very uncharacteristic of her, but it made me love her even more.”

I saw tears forming in her eyes, and slid over to her. To hold her hand and give her a shoulder to cry on. She rested her head on me, but continued “The managing board, met with us, and we told them that I was transgendered. Barbara apologized for her outburst, but explained that she was frustrated that others couldn't see how wonderful I was, and that she was overly emotional, due to just being diagnosed with breast cancer. I expected them to bar Kate, or even Kevin and Barbara from the club. But they surprised me by me by stating that I was welcome as either Kevin or Kate. Kate has returned, about a half dozen times since then.” She broke into a full cry. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.

She settled down. As we were cleaning the dishes, she hit me with the biggest surprise of all. “How would Chrissie feel about a date with Kevin?”

Where did that come from? I had told her Chrissie had no interest in men. She wanted to be Kate full time. It just didn't fit. “Chrissie is just out of the closet. She is certainly not ready to be out and about in public.”

“We don't have to go anywhere, we could just have a quiet evening together, like Chrissie and Kate have been doing.”

I didn't understand, what was going on here, but I desperately wanted to please her. “How about Chrissie cooking dinner for Kevin in the motorhome, and a Netflix movie afterward.”

“That would be great.”

We set it up for Tuesday. I was confused, over what I was getting myself into, but was determined to carry on, and see where it led.

We spent the rest of the day together, chatting amicably, but at least to me, it seemed different. I was anxious about how the Kevin-Chrissie date would go, and what effect it might have on our relationship. I somehow couldn’t bring myself to ask why she wanted that date. But that question was always burning at the front of my mind. Kate also seemed distracted. So after a dinner of take out Italian beef sandwiches and onion rings we parted for the evening.

Again, sleep did not come easy. What was Kate trying to accomplish with this date? How would I handle the date? Chrissie had never really been alone with a man. How would she handle it? How would she react. I decided that Chrissie would do her best to reciprocate to Kevin, what Kate had done for Chris. I hoped this would settle the homophobic question bouncing in my head. It also seemed like the best opportunity I would get, to explore forbidden fantasies. Such thoughts kept me awake well into the morning.

When I finally awoke from my fitful sleep it was 11 AM. I showered shaved and dressed. I had a fast food lunch, and started shopping for Chrissies date. Somehow I was less self conscious, about getting makeup, perfume and even special lingerie for the evening, than I usually was shopping for Chrissie. I even bought special shoes, 4-½” stiletto heel red sandals. I doubted, I would be able to move very gracefully in them, but I knew they would make me feel sexy for Kevin, which was their true purpose. I considered trying them on in the store, but chickened out. Just buying them as Chris was unusually bold for me.

The one item, I found myself self conscious about buying, was the flavored condoms. I was still unsure about my reactions to becoming a cocksucker, and felt these, might make it easier, and make an adverse reaction less likely.

After that, the grocery shopping was relatively easy. The bacon wrapped fillets seemed a safe choice. The cooked and peeled shrimp would be a nice appetizer. Add a couple medium sized Idaho potatoes, and a bunch of fresh broccoli. And dinner was taken care of. I added some prepackaged chocolate mousse for dessert, and microwave popcorn for the movie, a nice merlot, and a six pack of amber ale, and another of Corona, completed the grocery shopping.

It was after 4, not enough time to beat Kevin home and change into Chrissie.

I called Kevin, he answered on the third ring, “Hello.”

“Hello Kevin, it’s Chris. I was wondering what the plans for tonight are.”

“There aren’t any real plans. I would assume Chrissie and Kate would spend the evening chatting.”

“I was wondering how you would feel, about Chris taking you out to dinner and a few beers, and letting the girls fend for themselves.”

“That’s fine with me, as long as you don’t spend the whole night, giving me the second degree over the date with your sister.”

“Mostly I want to get to know you better. There may be a little protectiveness, but that could go both ways.”

“OK then, let’s have dinner together. Any suggestions where?”

“You know the area better than me, but I think I’m in a mood for casual Mexican, with a good beer menu.”

“I know a good place that fits that description. We can meet at the house at 6:00.”

“Great. I’ll see you at the house at 6:00.”

We met at 6:00, and he took us to a place called “Casa Susanna”.

He ordered a Corona, and I ordered a Negro Modella, to go with the tortilla chips and salsa, the waiter had brought. I started “We really haven’t gotten to know each other very well, for our sisters being such good friends.”

“No, but I understand you are getting to know my sister better.”

“I’ve always found her attractive, she asked for me to escort her to a dance. I thought I was getting too old for romance, but I found her so attractive, I’m reconsidering.”

“I too, have pretty much given up on romance. Some of the drugs I’m on, reduce libido. But I have always found your sister attractive, and I am looking forward to our date.”

The waiter came with our beers, and we both ordered combination plates.

I continued “It sounds like this date is more Kate’s doing than yours.”

“That may be, but I am hoping the date goes well.”

“What would you consider ‘going well’”.

“For starters chemistry similar to what you appear to have going with my sister.”

“I think my sister has similar hopes. I haven’t seen her so worked up, over a date in forever.” Thinking to myself, that she’s never had a date with a man.

“So how are you finding retirement, and living and traveling in a motorhome?”

Actually I was glad that Kevin was changing the subject. “I am finding the motorhome quite comfortable. And I am really enjoying the flexibility, to do things, like accept your sisters offer to visit on short notice. I miss the job, much less than I thought I might.”

Our dinners came. The platter looked huge, and I realized I had been eating much more daintily, spending evenings as Chrissie. The waiter asked if we wanted another beer. Though we were both about half way through our first, I answered “Yes, no hurry, but you can bring another round when it’s convenient.”

Kevin resumed, “I don’t think I’ve known anyone who has lived full time in a motorhome.”

“I’ve met quite a few in the short time I’ve been doing it. A lot of retired couples and singles, as you might expect. But maybe 20% are younger.”

“How do the younger ones finance their lifestyle?”

“Some work over the internet, some find local jobs, staying in one place until they save enough to travel more.”

“What are your plans?”

“Financially, I hope I can live comfortably on my 401K. Travel wise, I’m still discovering what I like. I am very much enjoying this visit with you sister, even though it is not something I planned or even foresaw.”

Our dinners came. We continued chatting amicably

When we finished, he drove us back to Kate’s house (at least that’s how I thought of it).

When we parted, we shook hands and I wished him well on the date with my “sister”.

In bed I reflected on the day:
Why had I been much less self conscious than usual buying things for Chrissie as Chris than usual? Perhaps, this was because I was doing this fo someone else not just Chrissie. I realised, I was feeling someone wanted me as Chrissie, and I was really enjoying feeling wanted. I knew Kate enjoyed and wanted me as a friend, but this was different. While I knew Kevin and Kate were one and the same, Kevin lacked the warmth, the enthusiasm, the personality that Kate radiated. While I considered both Chrissie/Kate and Chris/Kate as close friendships, I had trouble seeing Chris/Kevin developing beyond friendly acquaintance. I wondered how Chrissie/Kevin would go. It seemed knowing Kevin had hopes for the date reduced Chrissie’s anxiety, but increased her anticipation.

I slept surprisingly well, not waking till 9 AM. I put on some sweats and fixed myself bacon and eggs, thinking I would probably skip lunch. I had only agreed to the Chrissie/Kevin date because Kate had asked, and I didn’t know how to gracefully say no. But as it approached I found myself in almost eager anticipation. Even though I knew Kate was behind the Kevin facade, I planned on using this as an opportunity to explore Chrissie one on one with a man (an area I had never felt comfortable or confident enough to even consider). I planned on trying to return Kate’s kind concern for my feelings, and in the process prove to myself I wasn’t homophobic. I felt like a teen preparing for a first date, and indeed, it was Chrissie’s first date with a man.

I collected some toiletries and went over to Kate’s with the key she had left me. The motorhome had a nice shower, but I felt this occasion called for a nice bubble bath. I relaxed in the hot bath, letting my mind wander. It drifted to how I wanted to be sexy and turn Kevin on, to facilitate reciprocation. I wasn’t sure how much Kate’s hormones impacted this, so I decided to not take it as a personal failure if things didn’t go as planned.

After about 30 min. I added some hot water and began shaving my whole body. I had been shaving my legs, underarms,and chest for Chrissies visits. I redid these, but I added ams and a best attempt at back. I even trimmed the genital area a little. I got out and dried off, feeling a little extra naked. I spent about 40 min. Cleaning Kate’s tub, surprised at the amount of hair I left behind. I then returned to the motorhome to continue my preparation.

I started with a quick shower to wash my hair. Yes I had just taken a bath, and I would be wearing a wig, but I wanted to be clean. Then I gave myself a manicure and pedicure. I didn’t remember the difficulty folding my body to do the pedicure. But the last pedicure, I was much younger, and had a supportive wife, who enjoyed exchanging pedicures.

Next I put on my new beige thong gaff. This might take more getting used to, than I expected, but it did a good job of hiding what it was supposed to hide. Unfortunately, it didn’t hide the developing beer belly. I considered using a corset or waist cincher, but decided to opt for comfort and mobility. Next came my 36C beige, front hook, underwire bra. While it was tight, this helped create the desired effect. Pushing my manboobs up and in, and inserting my trusty old silicone enhances, gave me a pretty convincing profile and cleavage.

Then came a close shave of face and neck. I had been doing this for visits with Kate, but for some reason it seemed more difficult to achieve the closeness I desired. I finally gave up, hoping the makeup would cover what remained.

The motorhome came with a vanity in the bedroom. I hadn’t thought I would use it, as such, but it was proving very useful. I started with some white, under my eyes to give a more open appearance, and on the sides of my nose to make it look smaller. Next came, foundation over my full face and neck and exposed parts of my chest. A little rose rouge on my cheeks, then powder, to set it all. I outline my cleavage with a darker shade of powder to create an illusion of more depth. I applied a purple eye shadow, then a lavender, then a white. I was not very confident in this selection, but after blending I decided it looked ok. Then a black liquid eyeliner at the base of upper and lower lashes. I thought, I had done a nice job with the liner, even the finicky extensions outside the eyes. Adding waterproof mascara finished the eyes. I admired my work, thinking they certainly looked feminine, and at least to my Chis part alluring. I outlined my lips in a deep red and and filled them in a brighter red. I looked and thought I had done a good job, but went back and tweezed my brows and used a dark pencil to give a more feminine shape.

It was only 1:00. I was nearly ready. Yet had over 5 hours till I expected Kevin. I got on the web and did some reading.

A little before 5:00, I went to the kitchen, turned the oven on. I then washed the Idaho potatoes, I had chosen yesterday, salted them and wrapped them in aluminum foil. Then put them into the oven.

Next it was time put on the wig. I brushed it out. put it on, secured it with a few bobby pins, and brushed it some more. A little primping, and I felt. It was ready.

Now it was time to get dressed. First was a new pair of shear to the waist panty hose. Though to a large extent, crossdressing had lost a lot of it’s erotic effect on me, the nylon on my freshly shaved legs still had an effect. For a while the thong became even more uncomfortable. The dress was a red mini that appeared to be covered in little squares of reflective red tinsel. It reminded me of what the eye candy on the Letterman show often wore. It had about 1-½ inch shoulder straps with a square cut bodice, low enough to show a little cleavage. It was gathered below the bust, for about 4 inches. From there the skirt flared out gently. It had been “one size fits most”, and was intended as a mini. On my 5’ 10” male frame it was really too short, if I bent over I would be flashing ass cleavage. But it fit tonight’s objective. I put it on and adjusted my bra straps. I didn’t have a full length mirror, but I felt like a “hot babe”.

I added a little jewelry, a ladies watch with barely readable face, a couple unobtrusive rings, a pair of dangly clip on earrings, and a sapphire pendant necklace. As I was perfuming myself, I heard a car in the driveway.

I called Kevin.

“Hello, Chrissie. I’m looking forward to tonight.”

“So am I. I just called to check when you are coming.”

“I will you be ready in about 20 minutes?”

“Yes, that will be great, see you then.”

I ran around, checking the food for our meal, the contents of my purse, and my makeup. As I was strapping on the red sandals with 4 1/2” stiletto heels, I heard footsteps, then Kevin’s voice “Chrissie, are your ready?”

“Just a second.” I finished putting on the shoes. Turned on the stereo, with some low volume orchestral, mood music. And opened the door.

“Wow.”

“Wow what?”

“You look great.”

“What were you expecting?” I hadn’t thought about the view he was getting from the ground up the steps of the RV. So I thought I would, take the offensive and have some fun teasing him a little.

“ You look a lot better, than I remember.”

“ Anything wrong with a girl trying to look good for her boyfriend?”

“It’s right, very right.”

“Come on in.”

“Thank you.”

As he came in, I gave him a little peck on the cheek.

“Thank you again. I bought these for you.” a bouquet of carnations in his outstretched hand.

I took them and said “Have a seat” pointing to the loveseat.

“I also brought this.” holding out a wine bottle.

“You can put that on the table, in front of the loveseat.” as I tuned to the kitchen counter and took out a 32 oz. plastic tumbler, for the carnations. I put it on a far corner of the counter as i feared it wouldn’t be very stable. I thought he seems even more nervous than I felt. That may be good.

I retuned with a half full ice bucket and a corkscrew, “Here you can open the wine and put it in the bucket.” I returned to the kitchen area, with maybe a little extra rear end movement. Quickly returning with two wine glasses, I noticed a little tenting in his trousers. This might not be as hard as I thought. “Pour us some wine, while I get the appetiser.”

“Yes ma'am.”

I wanted to reply to this, but decided to let it go, as I couldn’t decide what tact to take. I just gave him a little more wiggle.

I retuned with a bowl of cooked and peeled shrimp, a small dish of cocktail sauce, and a few napkins. I put these on the table. I noted the tenting had grown. I sat next to Kevin. He picked up his wine. I followed suit. And he toasted “To a better friendship.” After a few sips we started on the shrimp. My hand strayed towards his crotch.

“Aren’t you being a little forward?”

“I don’t think so after last weekend.”

“That was Chris and Kate, not Chrissie and Kevin.”

“It’s just different aspects of the same two people.”

“ But, this feels different.”

“It is different. But we are not strangers. We have shared intimate secrets over years, and physical intimacy earlier this week.”

“Ok, but I wasn’t expecting this.”

“I wasn’t expecting what Kate did Saturday. And I reacted about like you are now, But on reflection, I am seeing it as an act of love, and entirely appropriate.”

“Really? I was afraid Kate came on too strong.”

“ That was my initial reaction, But the more I thought about it, the more appropriate it seemed. We had shared intimate secrets over years, Kate and Chrissie had renewed the intimate friendship with their hen sessions. Saturday Chris was developing romantic feelings toward Kate. And it appears Kate was doing the same.”

“Yes, that’s a very good summary. But it’s confusing.”

“For me too. But I see you as the only man, that I have the trust and comfort level, to explore that confusion with.” He leans in and gives Chrissie her first romantic kiss with a man. The thong gets uncomfortable again. And more tenting appears.

I get a naughty idea, and decide to go for it. I hop onto his lap, and start feeding him shrimp. His hardness against my ass is making the thong uncomfortable again. I lean in and try to get a taste of cocktail sauce, from inside his mouth. I feel increased hardness and throbbing at my ass crack.

“I’m feeling, it might be time for some reciprocation from Saturday.”

“If that’s what you want. I’m up for it.”

“I can tell.” As I slide down to the floor. I release his belt and trousers, and pull them with his undershorts to the floor. I am greeted by a nice hard cock glistening precum. It’s on the small side (says she who has no experience with hard cocks, other than her own) maybe 6-½” long and 1-½” diameter. That’s fine by me. I feel a little pride in how easily I got it excited and primed. I spread the precum around the head, remembering how good it felt when Kate did it to me. This was rewarded with a little more growth and hardness, and a strong pulse as I wrap my fingers around the shaft.

“Excuse me. I need my purse.” I had strategically placed it near the dinner table, not expecting things to go so fast.

Returning with it. I had already found the strawberry flavored condom.” Don’t want to upset Kate’s therapist.” I returned to massaging around the head, to regain a little lost ground from my purse trip. Shortly, it was ready and I rolled the condom on. I feared I might have trouble sucking the cock (thought the flavored condoms might help), but I found myself really wanting to return the pleasure I had been given. I was gratified, when it stiffened and jumped when I touched the head with my tongue. The response was similar when I wet my lips and clamped them over the head. As I pumped the base of the shaft with my hand, I slid my clamped lips over the end on the shaft, and caressed the head with my tongue. My mind thought of pleasuring Kate, even thinking what a nice hard clit. Rather than being repulsed, I was enjoying this. It didn’t take Kevin long to spasm and ejackulate. His glazed euphoric look, further rewarded my efforts. As he deflated, I removed the condom. and cleaned him with a tissue, as Kate had done for Chris.

I returned to the seat next to him, as he refastened his trousers and belt. He then gave me another soft romantic kiss. Reminding me how uncomfortable thongs can be. We returned to eating, feeding each other the shrimp. Both with a glow, but not knowing what to say. When I finished my glass, he asked “ Ready for a refill?”

“Yes, but you can bring the wine and glasses over to the table, while I get dinner going.” As I walked to the kitchen, I noticed he was still enjoying the rear view. I took the broccoli from the refrigerator, half filled a pan with water, salted the water, turned a burner on and put the pan on the burner, and added the broccoli.

“How do you like your steak?”

“Medium rare. Pink nor red.”

I took the bacon wrapped fillets from the refrigerator, added a little salt and pepper, and put one on my Foreman grill, plugging it in. I took my butter dish and small dishes of sour cream and grated cheddar cheese, and a shaker of bacon bits to the table. He had also brought the remaining shrimp and cocktail sauce. After taking another shrimp, I gave him a kiss on the forehead.

“What was that for?”

“For being more thoughtful than the average man. And why does it have to be for anything?"

“It doesn’t. And it was very nice. Thank you.”

I took our dinner plates back to the kitchen. I turned off the oven, and put the potatoes on the plates, I took a knife and fork and cut into the steak. It was mostly pink. I moved it onto a plate and put the other steak on the grill. The broccoli was beginning to boil. I turned off the burner and put a serving of broccoli on Kevin’s plate, and brought it out to Kevin. “I’ll be right with you. My steak is still cooking. Check your steak, I can put it back on if it’s not done enough.”

“Looks perfect. Just like you.”

I blushed a little. And gave him a little extra wiggle on the way back to the kitchen. I tested the steak. There was a little red, but I’d rather err on that side, especially with such a good cut of meat. So I unplugged the grill, and put my broccoli and then the steak on the plate. Then returned to the table with my food.

“Beautiful and a great cook too!”

“The beauty took most of the day, and I carefully selected a meal that took very little culinary skill.”

“And modest too.”

Being at a loss for words. I took his hand and gave it a little squeeze. The evening was going well. We both seemed to enjoy the meal and the company. For dessert I brought out two cups of prepackaged chocolate mousse and presented it “in memory of our first date.” That brought a smile.

“A true romantic.”

I said we could leave the dishes, but he insisted on helping. I let him wash, as I knew where to put things as I dried.

As I brought up netflix to select a movie for us. He said, “You know my attention will be on you not on any movie. If you are interested, I would very much like to make you a well fucked woman, tonight.”

I wasn’t ready for this. I had no intention of going any farther, than we had already gone. Yet, the proposal had an unexpected allure. I was wanting to go further, but not that far.

“I’m not ready to do that. Despite the way I came on, like a nympho in heat, yours is the first cock I have ever sucked. And I am a virgin as to having a real live cock inside me the way you propose. I may choose to give you my virginity at some future time, but I want to treat it as a special gift to you. If we did it tonight, it would feel like treating it as a stigma, to be gotten rid of at the first opportunity.” He was nodding tacit agreement. So I continued “But, I would love to sleep with you, and cuddle and pleasure each other, and pillow talk about our confusion, and our relationship.”

“Wow, you continue to surprise me in great ways. Actually your proposal seems very much better, to me, than mine. I have one condition.”

“What?”

“That we do it in my bed. I don’t want to explain a rocking RV, to the neighbors.”

“ That’s fine. I have a negotiable request.”

“Yes?”

“Can we both wear feminine sleepwear?”

“I like that. Let’s go.”

So much for a movie.

Previously

As I brought up netflix to select a movie for us. He said, “You know my attention will be on you not on any movie. If you are interested, I would very much like to make you a well fucked woman, tonight.”

I wasn’t ready for this. I had no intention of going any farther, than we had already gone. Yet, the proposal had an unexpected allure. I was wanting to go further, but not that far.

“I’m not ready to do that. Despite the way I came on, like a nympho in heat, yours is the first cock I have ever sucked. And I am a virgin as to having a real live cock inside me the way you propose. I may choose to give you my virginity at some future time, but I want to treat it as a special gift to you. If we did it tonight, it would feel like treating it as a stigma, to be gotten rid of at the first opportunity.” He was nodding tacit agreement. So I continued “But, I would love to sleep with you, and cuddle and pleasure each other, and pillow talk about our confusion, and our relationship.”

“Wow, you continue to surprise me in great ways. Actually your proposal seems very much better, to me, than mine. I have one condition.”

“What?”

“That we do it in my bed. I don’t want to explain a rocking RV, to the neighbors.”

“ That’s fine. I have a negotiable request.”

“Yes?”

“Can we both wear feminine sleepwear?”

“I like that. Let’s go.”

So much for a movie.

And now

“I’ll change to something more comfortable, and be over in a few minutes.”

“That will be fine.” as he embraced me, and gave me a kiss that sent electricity through my whole body.

“Would you mind if I left the wig?”

“All I want is you. You don’t have to bring anything else.” was delivered with another, slightly less earth shattering kiss.

Finally we parted. Kevin going to the house.

I was left with my thoughts. Was I making a mistake? Would things get awkward again, when it wasn’t clear who was taking what role? All I knew, was that I desperately wanted to be held by and to hold this person. I was deeper in passionate need, than I ever expected to ever be again, in my life. I really had little choice, but to rush over and find out if things would continue to proceed as well, as they were going.

I quickly undressed, and removed wig and jewelry. Then washed to remove makeup. I put on the red waltz length, silk chemise, I had bought the day before (more for self relief after the date, than having foreseen actual developments), I slipped into my fuzzy pick scuffs, threw on a robe and rushed over to the house, despite the protrusion, that had arisen upon removal of the thong.

At the door, I was greeted by Kate. I say Kate because she was in a pale yellow baby doll nightie (sans bottoms as she was also protruding). e embraced for yet another earth shattering kiss. I was tempted to carry her off to her bed, but it was quicker and safer, scurrying there together. An hour of gentle love making. embraces and kisses, suckling each other (high and low), multiple orgasms for both of us followed. In the passion, a wonderful thing happened. They found themselves thinking only of pleasing their lover, not playing some predescribed role. Worrying about who was what, or what they were supposed to do was lost, to their complete devotion to trying to pleasure each other.

Finally when we had exhausted each other and lay contented wrapped together. I ventured “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Why did you ask for the date between Kevin and Chrissie?”

“When I asked you to the dance, it really was for safety and convenience. But as we spent more time together, I began to feel a romantic attraction. Over the years, I had seen lots of women, who were fine with crossdressing, until it was their significant other. Then it suddenly became relationship threatening, it became an emotional issue about their self identity. I didn’t think I would have a problem, but I thought putting Kevin and Chrissie together, might uncover latent emotional issues for either of us.”

“Did you find any?”

“Yes, and it turned out to be a huge plus. Kevin always felt unworthy of Barbara, and I was always afraid I was depriving her of the more manly, virile lover she deserved. But with you, I knew you were attracted to Kate, more than Kevin. And somehow that removed some pressure to be aggressive and made me more comfortable in the male role. I found myself really wanting your virginity, rather than worrying about underperforming. What about you? Did you learn anything?”

“Alot. I almost ruined, the best blowjob of my life, worrying what you might want in return. When you asked for the date, I was confused as to why, but I wanted to please you, and I didn’t know how to say no. It kept me awake, thinking about it, but I finally decided that this was Chrissie’s chance to explore interacting with a man. I trusted you and felt safe with you. I can’t think of another man I can say that about. I decided to do all I could, to reciprocate, what I had come to view as Kate’s act of love. I was afraid you wouldn’t find me attractive, and that the hormones would make it difficult to turn you on, thus the aggressive, OTT Chrissie you saw.”

“I found you very attractive, and your look alone, turned me on almost immediately. It surprised me, but I enjoyed the OTT behavior also.”

“I noticed, men are much easier to read than women. I was surprised, a version of me, that I didn't even know existed, emerged. I was suddenly having fun, playing with you, and teasing you. Romance had always been this confusing high stakes game, but from the other side, with the power of yes or no, it was suddenly fun. I was afraid that I might never be able to love, someone with a penis. But that didn’t turn out to be much of a problem. Though I will admit to thinking of pleasing Kate and her nice big clit.”

“Would you love me more, if I had a vagina?”

“I can’t imagine loving anyone, more than the wonderful human being, that I have in my arms right now. I love you, just the way you are.”

“And I love you, just the way you are!”

---------------------------------------------

Thus, Chrissie/Chris and Kate/Kevin gave each other the ultimate gift, loving each other, just the way they were. This couldn’t be called selfless, because both felt they were receiving much more than they were giving.

My anxiety level is higher than I can ever remember. I am about to go to my first day of school. I am 13 and will be in grade 11. Furthermore, I will be presenting as a transgender girl, even though I doubt I am truly transgender.

As you might guess, there is quite a story of how I got to this position. I think I will start with my mom.

Chapter 1 - Mom

My mom, Frances Teresa Wilder, was born to a Montana ranch family who thought they could never have children, after years of trying. Both my grandparents were greatly surprised when they found mom was on the way. When she was born they started calling her Frankie, a name she goes by to this day. Her father treated her as the son he would never have, teaching her, carpentry, auto and farm machine maintenance and repair, hunting, fishing, archery, electrical wiring, plumbing, and all the ranching and farming skills he knew. Her mother taught cooking, baking, sewing, and domestic skills. Being blessed with both high intelligence and good motor skills she absorbed all they could teach. Since both parents read to her, she wanted to read herself and was reading books before starting school. Being somewhat isolated, she accepted this all as normal.

In school, she excelled both academically and athletically. Though some were jealous of her, her friendly easy going demeanor made her quite popular. She could blend in and play with either the boys or the girls (though she admits preferring playing with the boys in elementary school).

As she matured, she became quite a beauty and learned to enhance her beauty with minimal makeup. She always had many offers for dates. She proudly states that she dated every boy in her high school class (all 57 of them) at least once. Though she had to ask 5 who were too shy to approach her. She found she preferred the quiet shy guys, to the cocky aggressive ones (she knew this was mostly an act for the other boys, but still found it annoying).

In high school, she was captain of the basketball and volleyball teams, and pitched, played shortstop and was a top hitter on the softball team. Academically, she was second in her class (she blames bias of a few teachers who felt the valedictorian should be male). She was also second in the voting for prom queen (which she blames on the jealousy of other girls).

She went to Pepperdine University on a Volleyball scholarship. Her roommate introduced her to the joys of Lesbian sex. She found that she much preferred the soft gentle patient strokes of another woman, to the frantic, overly aggressive groping she had experienced with boys in high school.

Chapter 2 Mother

My other Mother, Jane Ann Davis was also an only child. Her father was an auto mechanic, her mother was mostly a stay at home mom, but did do some waitressing to get the family through tight spots. The family went to a fire and brimstone conservative church near their home in Scottsdale, Arizona. Jane was quiet and introverted, she tended to intensely focus on whatever drew her attention, but didn’t read body language and facial expressions very well. The other children interpreted that as haughty and aloof, so she didn’t socialize much with either boys or girls. With her intense focus and high intelligence, she did well both in school and self-learning.

She self-taught herself computer programing. Her school computer teacher noted this and arranged a few small jobs, most were websites for local merchants. Her first efforts were well received and she soon had more work than she could handle and an income independent from her parents. This became important when she confided to her mother that she was attracted to women, not men. Her mother stopped her father from trying to beat it out of her. But they agreed that unless she changed (she really hadn’t been intimate with anyone of either sex), that she was not welcome to stay with them after she finished high school.

True to their word, the day after she graduated they told her it was time for her to leave. She hitched her way to silicon valley. But she found self-taught programmers were a hard sell to the corporate world. So she found herself trying to work her way through college with a combination of programming, food service, and janitorial jobs.

Chapter 3 Sharing an Apartment

Frankie and Jane became friends through the University LGBT club. They both admired what the other was accomplishing and found the other to be true to their word.

When they both found jobs in the San Francisco area (Frankie with St. Katherine’s a private girls school and Jane with Apple) they agreed to share an apartment. They both found themselves spending many hours on work, Jane with her coding, and Frankie with lesson plans and grading. Neither had time or energy for the mating games. With the friendship, respect and trust they already had, it was easy to become lovers.

Jane was very productive, and this was recognized with raises, promotions, and stock options. She was slowly becoming wealthy and decided to buy them a house. Frankie’s success was an as best new teacher and then the favorite teacher (quite an accomplishment when teaching such hated subjects as Chemistry and Physics) but wasn’t accompanied by much monetary recognition. Frankie objected that she couldn’t afford half a house. Jane countered that while same-sex marriage was not yet legal in California she wanted a lifelong commitment to stay together and share their lives. When Frankie thought about it she realized that is what she wanted also.

When same-sex marriage became legal they got married. Sadly Jane’s parents declined to attend.

Chapter 4 Family

While quite happy together, they decided they wanted a family. They acquired some frozen sperm though one of their LGBT friends who had gone on to medical school. Jane impregnated Frankie and 9 months later Charles Edward Davis Wilder was born. I’ve been called Charlie since that beginning. I am told the night of my first birthday Frankie celebrated by impregnating Jane, and 9 months later my sister Teresa Joy Wilder Davis was born. We have all called her TJ since then. It took me a while to understand all the giggling whenever they got out the turkey baster, but now I know.

By the way, We all call Frankie mom and Jane mother.

Chapter 5 Trouble

Even though mom and Mother thought they had been accepted in the neighborhood, when mom with me in a stroller and mother with TJ in a carriage started strolling together, trouble arose. It came as a large red message on the house “LEZZIES SHOULDN'T RAISE KIDS”.

Along with this, someone was stirring protest against the Lesbian teacher.

Mom and mother decided that they wouldn’t put up with this. They put the house up for sale and bought 10 acres in Oregon. It wasn’t really remote, but we couldn’t see any neighbors from the house.

Chapter 6 Homesteading

Up till here, this story is from information I’ve gotten from my mom and mother. But even though I was only 4, I have fond memories of the house build. Some of this may be from the many home movies we have watched many times.

The first adventure was the four of us moving into a small camper trailer. While TJ and I had our own beds, my memory is that we usually ended up all cuddled together in my parent's bed. First, they built us a not so little playhouse, complete with cots and a porta potty. Then they added a gym with two swings, a teeter-totter, a two-seat glider, and a fort with a ladder up, a slide down, and a pole to slide down through a hole in the floor. They fenced in the play area and added a large dog house.

I remember TJ and I were taken to pick out puppies from a litter of golden retrievers. I named mine Chuckie (against mom’s advice) and TJ named hers Goldie (not too creative but she was only 2). Chuckie and Goldie were both females, so I was outnumbered 5 to 1.

I was put in charge (pretty heady for a 4 yr old) but I don’t remember either TJ or the dogs ever following my orders (eventually the dogs were well trained).

After convincing themselves TJ could handle the ups and downs of the fort and that we could successfully use the porta potty, mom and mother went about building our homestead, leaving me in charge at the playground. They did train me to contact them on a walkie talkie for emergencies, which were few and minor.

I remember them cutting down trees and clearing land with Herbie our old Ford tractor.

Mom and mother would be tired and sore but would play their guitars, for family sing-alongs, around the fire pit they had built. We would review movies they had me take of TJ and the puppies. They taught me to set up the camera on a tripod to take pictures of the four of us.

I remember the big concrete truck coming in to pour foundations. They had me take pictures of the pour, and said I was their documentary photographer.

TJ and I would play in the playhouse. We would both be mommies to our dolls and stuffies. (neither of us had much of an idea of what a daddy would do.)

Chapter 7 Barn raising

Mom had introduced herself to some of the neighbors. Mrs. Henderson (mom called her Grace) started bringing us lunch (She said she was lonely and enjoyed our company).

Mom had TJ and I help her layout and assemble six 8 foot picnic tables.

A truckload of lumber was dropped by the barn foundation.

Two men in a pickup came with a large grill built on a trailer. They unhitched the trailer and built a fire in the grill, they gave mom and mother some instruction on tending the fire, then loaded some large chunks of meat onto the racks of the grill.

The next morning mom and mother were up early (before sunrise) building a fire in the fire pit.
Mrs. Henderson arrives soon. She set up a large urn of coffee on one of the new picnic tables. Then set up a griddle on the edge of the fire pit, and began frying bacon. People began arriving. They would introduce themselves to mom and mother then go over to Mrs. Henderson and put in their breakfast orders. She would make them heaping platters of bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns and pancakes.

Mom was conferring with an older man over large papers on a table made from a sheet of plywood on sawhorses.

When most had finished eating, mom rang a cowbell to get everyone’s attention. “For those, I haven’t met, I am Frankie Wilder. Together with my life partner Jane Davis and our children Charly and TJ we’re homesteading this place. We're here for an old fashioned barn raising. I hope you all have a lot of fun as well as getting a lot of work done.”

Putting her hand on the older man’s shoulder, “This is Jim Berg, he will be acting as foreman. Follow his direction and work safely. Also, I think we owe Grace Henderson a hand of applause, both for the breakfast and for doing most of the organizing for this shindig.” All applauded Mrs. Henderson.

Jim organized the men into crews and got them working on the framework. I got my camera to document the barn raising. Some of the women tried to keep me away from the construction. It didn’t feel good being treated like a little kid, I was used to being treated as an important contributing member of the family. Mrs. Henderson came to my rescue, “Charly is actually quite a good photographer, and he knows enough to stay out of danger. But Katie, why don’t you accompany him, you can make sure you both stay safe, and maybe Charly can teach you a little photography. TJ you can help with getting drinks and food for the men.” It was good how Mrs. Henderson made us both feel important and contributing.

Katie was a little overprotective, but I did show her how to set up a tripod, and she began to show me a little more respect. We got a lot of good pictures of the barn raising and some of lunch and dinner and the food preparation. I found the shredding of the meat chucks with what looked like metal bear claws especially interesting. I found I liked the pork barbecue (there was both beef and pork).

There was a sing along around the fire pit. There was a consensus that the barn raising was an unqualified success.

The next day some of the crew returned to roof the barn, and that night both our camper and Herbie had a new roof over them.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

At this point there is an unwriten gap, between here and the start of "How I Became Crossgender."
I don't know when or if that gap will be filled. Currently my muse is directed toward Charli's adventures starting school and living as a transgender girl.

This continues from where “How I Became Crossgender” leaves off (actually this occurs between parts 5 and 6. My muse is not totally chronological). I recommend readers read that for character familiarization. But I offer the following Synopsis for new readers.

Synopsis:

Frankie and Jane fall in love, get married impregnate each other with donor sperm.

Frankie births Charlie. 21 months later Jane births TJ (Teresa Joy).

They experience vandalism directed against lesbians raising children.

In response, they move to a remote location and homeschool the children.

Jane is killed while away on her consulting business.

The family moves in with family friend Dr. Julia West, who reveals she is their biological father.

Dr. West suggests, Charlie might prosper better as a transgender girl than as a boy.

Julie proposes marriage to Frankie.

Charlie decides on a trial run, as Charli. TJ decides to change to Joy.

We join Frankie and Julie in bed after their first family outing as Frankie, Julie, Charli, and Joy.
Though Julie has proposed marriage, this is the first time the two have had sex together.

CAUTION: Adult language and sex talk

Frankie and Julie in Bed

Frankie is spooning Julie, cupping Julie’s breasts while pressing her own into Julies back.

“Hmmmm, that’s the best orgasm I’ve ever had!” moaned Julie.

“I don’t see you as having lots of experience,” replied Frankie.

“By some standards, I haven’t, but I’ve sampled men and women and some that were a mix. And you are the first since I started hormones to give me an orgasm.”

“Have you ever told them what you wanted sexually?” asked Frankie.

“No. I’m not sure I know what I want, except more of you. You were wonderful, the way you took the aggressor role but remained gentle and caring made me feel both desired and loved,” answered Julie, the moan in her voice making it clear she was still on a lovers high.

“What you just said, is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard from you, and that includes the proposal. You have the makings of a great lover. You are caring and gentle, and eager to please. But to put it bluntly, your technique sucks. You remind me of the high school boys groping down there without a clue. You will have to learn to satisfy me better if you expect me to marry you.” said Frankie.

“I am your eager student!” replied Julie, in a breathy voice, a failed attempt at sultry.

“I want a lover, not a student. You need to show you want all of me, not just the sex. But I think I see more sessions like this for you to practice in the future.” stated Frankie.

Jullie rolled into Frankie, hugged her squeezing their breasts together, and kissed her with mutually probing tongues.

When they came up for air, it was Frankie that said “That is more like it lover!”

“I think I may have figured out my sexuality,” said Julie.

“What is it?” asked Frankie.

“Do you know what demisexuality is?” asked Julie.

“I’ve heard the term. I kind of think of it as asexuality with a libido.” answered Frankie.

“That’s better than most people. I’d define it as not being able to form a sexual attraction until a strong emotional connection with trust is formed.” said Julia.

“Does that mean you like women or men or both or neither?” asked Frankie.

“That means I like you. You are the only one I’ve let close enough to form that trust with. The only one I want to have sex with. The only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I realize now, that all my other liaisons were just explorations trying to find myself. Just before I proposed, I had the sudden realization that you were the only one I had ever truly loved.” said Julie.

“You are getting more romantic, lover. Until this evening I never saw your romantic side. We were girlfriends, we had fun together, we enjoyed each other's company, but I never felt any sexual attraction. The proposal seemed like a random event, out of nowhere. It was not something I would expect from the Julie, I knew. I found it puzzling.” replied Frankie.

“Does that mean, things are changing?” asked Julie,

“Yes, they are changing, but only to the extent, that I am seeing possibilities where I saw none before.”

Julie hugged Frankie, saying, “I intend to remain persistent.”

Frankie returned the hug, “I think I’ll like that!”

After some quiet but mutually enjoyable cuddling, Frankie said: “I think, I’d like to talk about Charli.”

“I thought she did amazingly well,” said Julie.

“Yes, she did. But it scares me that I didn’t see that in her. I didn’t even recognize the feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns until you pointed them out. I am so afraid I have messed up their lives, by raising them in a female only environment.” Frankie replied.

“Ease up on yourself, you acted out of love. You have given them a safe and loving home and, what appears to me, to be an idyllic childhood,” replied Julie.

“I thought the transgender thing, was a fantasy of yours. But seeing how easily and naturally Charli has latched on to it, and how happy she is with it, makes me wonder what else, I might be missing, in my children,” said Frankie.

“I do fear I am too close to the situation to be objective. I have held myself back from trying to help, out of fear of unduly influencing the decision. I was amazed at how comfortable and natural Charli was and how happy she appeared. But, believe me, new girlhood is a powerful drug, and elation is the normal reaction, I hope Charli doesn’t have to experience the guilt that follows for most of us.” stated Julie.

“Do you think, Charli will second guess herself?” asked Frankie.

“That would be pretty normal. But without the drummed in gender biases, and with our loving support, either way, I hope she will be able to be make her/his decision and move on happily.”

“You think she/he might still choose boy?” asked Frankie.

“I like to keep that possibility open. But seeing her tonight, I’m pretty sure that she will pick girl.
I believe that is the better decision. I remember how horrible high school was for me, and I believe Charlie would be more obviously different than I was. Charli has a better chance to blend in, and even thrive.” said Julie.

“I’m beginning to see it that way. I am really enjoying you as a co-parent. It was really lonely after Jane was killed. I’ve spent a lot of lonely nights second-guessing myself as a parent. You help me get back to my preferred mode of parenting, standing back watching them grow, providing guidance when needed, but mostly enjoying seeing them become their own person.” said Frankie.

“You have done a wonderful job. Charli and Joy are the greatest kids I have ever known. I only hope I can do half as well as you have done.” said Julie, as she maneuvered for another kiss and hug.

After more hugging, kissing, caressing, and another orgasm for Julie, They fell into a blissful sleep, in the spooning position.

Revelation

I printed copies of my notes and spreadsheet, for mom, Julie, and Joy, intending to call a family meeting that evening.

At dinner, I announced, “I think I have come to a decision. I would like to call another family meeting to review my thinking, and see if any of you have things I’ve overlooked.”

Mom replied, “That was quicker than I expected, but I think yesterday was a revelation for all of us.”

We all hurried through dinner and cleanup.

I started the meeting handing out my notes and spreadsheets and let the other 3 read them.

Joy was first to react, coming to me, with a lot of nervous energy and a big hug “I’m so happy my big sister is going to stay around and go to school with me!”

Mom added, “I was pretty dubious about this transgender thing. But after seeing you yesterday, I think this is a good decision.”

Julie chimed in, “Having been through this, and having guided many clients through this, I feel I need to warn you, that you are in a state of elation from your introduction to new girlhood. You cannot and will not stay as high as you’ve been for the last two days. You should give this decision a little more time before finalizing it. But I too, think this is a good decision for you.”

I felt good I was getting unanimous approval. I continued, “Do any of you have anything to add or discuss”

Mom, “Ahh, maybe we should discuss intrusive.”

I knew what she was referring to. Maybe it was too strong a word, but it was how it felt. “Mom, it’s just that it felt like you were a lot more protective of Charli than you were with Charlie. As boy Charlie, I knew you would be there if I needed you, but I felt free to make my own decisions even if they turned out to be mistakes. But as girl Charli, you seemed to be hovering, trying to stop me from even looking the wrong direction. I liked the relative freedom and invisibility I had as boy Charlie better.”

Mom said, “You probably have a good point. I liked the way I handled things with boy Charlie better too. I was just worried that we were giving you a decision that was too big for a 13-year-old, and without Jane to talk me down, I’m afraid that worry translated, to what you saw as hovering. Last night Julie gave me a sounding board like Jane used to. I hope, for both of us, that I will return to your old mom.”

I went to mom gave her a hug (often hugs are better than words), at least in this case the hug seemed right, and better than any words I could come up with.

The quiet smiles, all around, said everyone was happy with the resolution of “intrusive.”

Julie was next, “On the husband and father item, I think we need to keep that open until you finish high school. Then you will have to revisit this decision.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I think your current decision is to attend St. Katherine’s for the next two years. When you graduate, you will have the choice to attend college as a young man or as a young woman. I don’t think we should do anything to preclude either choice.” answered Julie.

“I think we can all agree on that.” inserted mom. Nods from Joy and I made it unanimous.

Julie continued, “We have a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St Katherine’s. First, we need to get you diagnosed as transgender. Legally I could do it, but ethically, I’m too close to your family even just as an honorary aunt, to do it. Tomorrow I will set you up with a new counselor. I think your mother should discuss this with the headmistress at St. Katherine’s. And I think we should have Jean and Jennifer with Jessie and Jasmine over for dinner.”

Jean and Jennifer were partners in a law firm that specializes in LGBT issues. They were also honorary aunts and partners in life. They had spent much time consulting with Frankie and Jane, before following their path to parenthood. Jessie(5) and Jasmine(3) were their little girls.

“I thought you said, I should wait to finalize the decision?” I asked.

“I did. It’s just that there is a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St. Katherine’s. And we need to get those things rolling. Maybe we should enroll you in self-defense classes in case you decide to go to Northside high as a boy.”

“Julie, that was uncalled for!” scolded mom.

“Sorry.” Julie apologized.

Joy jumped into the silence, “We have lots more shopping to do! And mom, can we both get our ears pierced.”

“If you both want to, it’s fine with me.”

At this point, the meeting devolved into Joy and mom planning a shopping trip, with my contribution being mostly nods. I wondered where Joy had gotten the shopping bug. I wondered if my brain structure was truly male and if I would ever understand females.

Moving Along

The next morning, when she came into the kitchen to get her first coffee of the day Julie said, “Charli you have a 10:00 appointment in my office. Frankie, the 4Js are coming for dinner Thursday evening.” She may or may not have been aware that mom, Joy and I were planning on going out for Lunch and an afternoon of shopping, but she neatly avoided a conflict.

At 10:00 Julie had a glass and a can of diet coke ready for me.

As I sat down, she said, “You have an 11:00 appointment with Sue Barnes on Wednesday. I have told her you are genderfluid, but we need her to certify you as transgender so you can attend St. Katherine’s. She seems sympathetic to our needs but needs to meet with you.
She is a cisgender female but has lots of LGBTQ client who generally like her. I don’t want you to lie to her. I’ve never caught you lying, but suspect you would not be very good at it. But you could tailor your answers to facilitate getting into a good safe school. For example, if she asks how you feel about your penis like I did, you could answer you would be afraid it could be a problem as a transgender girl, rather than you liked being able to point and shoot, as you did with me.”

“What did you tell your counselor about your penis and what did you really feel?” I asked.

“I’m only answering because I’m your parent. That is way too intrusive for a client. I hope you don’t try something like that with Sue. I told her, my counselor not Sue, that I didn’t like the constant reminder that I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be. That was the truth, I may have presented that more vehemently than the strength of my feelings dictated, to move things in the direction, I wanted them to go.” Answered Julie.

“Don’t lie about always feeling like a girl. Just say, until recently it didn’t seem to make much difference. That you grew up happy to be yourself and boy or girl didn’t matter. That you never really felt like a boy or a girl, just a happy kid. You can say that you feel better accepted and better liked when presenting as a girl. You can blame me for pointing out that you have feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, that could cause problems in male social groups. “ Continued Julie.

“I think I get what you’re suggesting. I think I can handle it.” I responded.

“I’m sure you can handle it. I wish I understood as well as you do, at your age. I suggest you dress, the way you did for Fisherman’s Wharf. She will think of you as older and better able to carry this off.” said Jullie.

“You’re thinking like a woman!” I teased.

I think I detected a slight blush, but Julie continued on, “You also have a 2:00 appointment with Dr. Bob Bumgardner on Friday. He is an endocrinologist, but this can serve as your school physical also.

You might want to discuss testosterone blockers with him if you want to avoid growing a beard or having your voice change while attending St. Katherine’s.”

“That seems like a big step.” I quavered.

“It is! You really should talk with him, but my understanding is that anytime you stop, normal development resumes.”

“Wow this all is a lot more involved than I realized,” I said.

Julie responded, “Welcome to the adult world. You are better prepared than most. I also recommend you start attending my first and third Thursday evening transgender support group meetings they are held here in the living room. I think your sister and mother have your afternoon planned. We can discuss my history and how it relates to you during family time.”

With that my appointment with Julie was over. I hoped shopping would be less intense.

Lunch

We went to Ruby Tuesday for lunch. We all had the salad bar (the sacrifices of being a girl).

Mom asked, “How did the meeting with Julie go?”

“Your hovering is like a single knat to her swarm of bees,” I answered.

“She was too intense for you?” questioned mom.

“I would consider that an understatement,” I replied.

“I know she was having difficulty holding herself back, trying to not influence your decision. You have apparently opened the floodgates. What all did she do?” continued mom.

“She set up an appointment with another therapist, then coached me on what to say and what to wear. She also made an appointment with an endocrinologist. Then she strongly recommended I attend her twice monthly, transgender support group meetings. Then she offered more private discussion during “family time”. Whatever that is since she schedules clients from 9 AM to 10 PM, plus teaching classes at the University.” I replied.

“I hadn’t realized how little time Julie left herself away from her practice. I’ll try to get her to ease off on you, as well as on herself.” said mom.

At this point, Joy who had been squirming, burst in, “Mom, can we both get our ears pierced?”

“If that’s what you both want.” mom responded.

I hadn’t given this much thought, but I couldn’t resist Joy’s puppy dog eyes, “That would probably be a good idea.”

“Charli, don’t let Joy stampede you into, anything your not ready for.” mom added protectively.

“It’s OK, mom. I just hadn’t given it as much priority as Joy.” I said.

Trying to finalize that, Joy bubbled “Can we get cell phones?”

“Probably not today. I need to educate myself and confer with Julie.”

Clair’s

The first stop was Clair’s for earrings and ear piercing. We both picked diamond on stainless steel studs and medium-sized silver hoops (I think free piercing with two pair was their perpetual deal.)

Joy went first and tried hard to not show it hurt (she didn’t succeed).

As I waited my turn, the inner boy in me was raising objections, but the inner girl was much stronger wanting to move forward. I was so deep in my thoughts that the pop of the piercing gun startled me. The prick of the stud in my ear was less than I expected. The second ear seemed to hurt more, probably due to having more of my attention.

Leaving the store Charli felt pretty and more girly. But Charlie felt the dirt piling on his coffin.

More shoes

The next stop was the same shoe store, where Joy and I got matching black patent, Mary Janes.
Joy was much more enthusiastic, while I was absorbed with inner thoughts of losing Charlie.

The rest of the shopping was much the same, with my mind only half there. We got a number of blouses for school and more underwear.

Home

When we got home, we went to our rooms to put away our purchases.

Mom entered put an arm around me, sat us on my bed, and asked: “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I don’t know. I feel like I should be happier, but I keep worrying about losing the boy me. I thought making the decision would be the hard part, but now I find myself worrying that it is the wrong decision.”

She hugged me harder and said, “I love you, and will continue to love you, regardless of how this goes. For now, you have convinced me you have made the right decision. Till today you have seemed happier as a girl, and I think the school will be much better for you at Saint Katherine’s. I think it would be best that you concentrate on enjoying the next two years as a girl. Then you can revisit the decision when it’s time to go to college. Don’t worry about what you should feel. Just let yourself feel, and be free to express your feelings. That is one major advantage of being a girl.”

I hugged her back, saying, “Thank you, mom! I know you’re right and I feel better. But how do I get the boy Charlie, to stop haunting me?”

“Maybe you can talk to Julie about that, but I suspect James still haunts her,” she answered.

With a final hug, she left.

Joy came in seconds later, asking, “What’s wrong, sis.”

I thought about trying to keep it from her, but decided that wouldn’t work. So I answered, “Just a little worried, about what I am doing to your brother.”

“You’re just letting him experience the world from the better side,” she answered.

“How can you know that?” I asked.

“You have the chance to find out for yourself. Just relax and enjoy the trip,” she answered.

I didn’t have a quick reply, so I just gave her a hug.

She returned the hug, saying, “You hug better as a girl.”

They were right. I should just enjoy the road I had chosen, and stop second guessing myself.

Nevertheless, I got Julie alone that evening and asked, “Does James still haunt you?”

After a thoughtful pause, she answered, “I don’t think I would call it haunting. But James is still a large part of me. Deciding what part that is, has been and continues to be a long and often painful process. I think labeling part of me Julie and a separate part James only adds to the problems. There is only one of me and one of you. Masking or denying parts of yourself is bad for your mental health. I find it easier letting the James parts of Julie show and grow than I did let the Julie parts of James show. I am happier as Julie. You have to work through this with boy Charlie and girl Charli. You need to learn how to be the best you, which should include both boy and girl parts, not just a boy or girl choice. When I started to transition, I thought I was changing from boy to girl. But I’ve come to view it as changing from trying to give the world what I thought it wanted, to letting myself be me. You are a wonderful person, and the world will be happy with your true self, whatever that may be.”

The advice seemed to all be saying, let yourself be you, and all will be well. “How do I know what my true self is?” I asked.

“I am afraid it’s trial and error learning. Go out and try different behaviors, and see what feels right for you,” answered Julie.

“Like this afternoon getting my ears pierced. It seemed like boy Charlie was screaming, I’m not ready for this. And girl Charlie was saying shut up, I’m in charge, and I want it.” came out.

“And you feel bad about the way you shut down the boy Charlie's voice?” questioned Julie.

“Yes, but it still seems like the right thing to have done,” I answered.

“I think it was the right choice. I think boy Charlie was fighting loss of control more than the ear piercing. By the way, they enhance your beauty nicely. I think they would enrich boy Charlie’s appearance also.” said Julie.

“Thank you. Did you have this kind of internal battle, when you transitioned?” I asked.

“I think everyone has these internal battles all the time. The trouble is that when transitioning, it’s all too easy to see them as the world against you. I would like to see you get back to seeing being a transgender girl, as an exciting new adventure. And not worrying about it being a betrayal of your boy nature.” said Julie.

“That’s easier said than done,” I replied.

“Very true. But the attitude you approach this with can be either your best tool, for dealing with it, or your biggest obstacle. It’s your choice.” said Dr. West.

Headmistress

At 2:00 on Tuesday Frankie walks into her meeting with the headmistress (principal) of St. Katherine’s, Grace Able.

Grace greet’s “Frankie, welcome back. When I started as headmistress, you were one of my best teachers. You not only got them to learn, but you also got them to like it. A wonderful combination.
You let them know you cared and that they could trust you. I am overjoyed to have you back on the faculty.”

“Thank you. You were the best boss I’ve ever had,” replied Frankie.

“That was because you were a nearly perfect employee, needing little direction and virtually no correction,” said Grace.

“You may not think that after I ask your help with a family problem,” said Frankie.

“What’s that?” asked Grace.

“The psychologist testing the children for school placement, has suggested my oldest might be better off, attending school as a transgender girl,” said Frankie.

“Surely, the trained discerning teacher, you are, would have picked up on this long ago.” replied Grace.

“I think we should refer to Charli, with i no e, with feminine pronouns. She and her sister were brought up in an isolated gender-neutral environment. They were allowed to play with dolls or cars and trucks without censure. Charli didn’t think of herself as a boy or a girl, just as a happy kid. Gender didn’t make much difference, as she was growing up. We didn’t treat them differently because one was male and the other female. Charli has spent a short time exploring the female role. And to my surprise, she is much more convincing as a girl than as a boy, and I might add much happier. Charli with our family has decided that she wants to pursue her education as a transgender girl. No, I didn’t notice early on. I didn’t even notice that she had picked up feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, until the psychologist pointed them out. But, I now see how difficult they could make life, as a boy in public high school. I’ve lost lots of sleep, and beat myself up for my shortcomings as a mother. But we need to move forward from where we are, not bemoan how we got here.” stated Frankie.

Grace had to reach up, to pat Frankie on the back. “We are all human. We all take wrong turns in life. I wasn’t accusing you, of being a bad mother. I want to do all I can to help. We do have a policy of accepting transgender students. But, from my point of view, it’s been something of a disaster so far. We have one transgender student. She is a residential student who will be returning to 10th grade this year. There was some bullying and harassment, but I feel we have most of that under control. But she has been identified and become something of a pariah. Most students are afraid to even be seen sitting with her at lunch.”

“Are you saying the same would happen to Charli?” asked Frankie.

“I’m afraid it might. Charli would be a commuting student, and it might be easier to keep it secret, but many on the faculty know your first child was a son. I would like to meet this young lady.” replied Grace.

“We should be able to arrange that, though the psychologist has her scheduled pretty heavy with second opinions, medical and legal consultation. But as an introduction, I have the psychologist’s files for both sisters. I need to return the originals, but you can copy what you may need.” stated Frankie.

Grace spent about 20 minutes going through the files, then had her administrative assistant make copies. “Very impressive! You want to place Charli in 11th grade, and Teresa in 10 grade?” she asked.

“Of course, we would like your opinion, but that was the psychologist’s recommendation. We have called the younger girl TJ, but she wants to change to Joy for school.” answered Frankie.

“Academically, I am fine with that placement. The real questions are social adjustment, I’ll reserve that judgement until I meet with the girls. I’d like about 45 minutes with Charli, then 30 with Joy, and then 30 with both together, then 15 with all three of you, and finally 15 with just you.”

“I’ll have to check Charli’s schedule. I’ll get back to you. That’s one thing you always do well. You are very clear with your expectations.” said Frankie.

“I want to reiterate that I am very happy to have you back on the faculty. I think I am going to like having your daughters here too.” said Grace.

Frankie left the office with a “Thank you.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

There are only a few days left to add kudos for the contest. If you liked this be sure to add kudos for 'How I Became Crossgender"

Sue Barnes

As I sat in the waiting room with mom, I found myself wondering if this new councilor would be helping me cross over to the female side, or if she would be an obstacle. I was in my maroon skater dress and ivory flats with a little lip gloss and was feeling attractive.

At least she was punctual, as I was called, into her office right at 11.

“Hi, you must be Charli. I am Sue Barnes, you can call me Sue. You look very pretty today.” She started.

At least she was trying to keep it friendly and casual. This might not be so bad. “Dr. West suggested I dress up to meet you,” I replied.

“This isn’t how you usually dress?” She asked.

“Jeans and tee-shirts would be more normal,” I answered.

“So you normally present so that people might have trouble deciding if you are a boy or a girl?” She questioned.

“I prefer jeans and tee-shirts for comfort. I think, most people take me for a girl since I got my new haircut.” I answered.

“Do you prefer they see you as a girl?” was the next question.

“Since they seem to think they have to choose, girl seems to work better for me.” was my response.

“Why is that?” She asked.

“People are nicer to me, and smile at me more when they think I’m a girl,” I answered.

“So you like being a girl better than being a boy?” Sue questioned.

“I don’t have much experience either way, but so far it seems that way.” was my reply.

“How come you don’t have much experience?” She asked.

“Until recently, I was raised and homeschooled by my mothers in Oregon. They treated me and my sister the same, so I didn’t see gender as making much difference. I was just a happy kid growing up and learning. I knew I was male, but that didn’t seem to make much difference.” I answered.

“So what changed?” Sue asked.

“My mother, we called one mom and the other mother, got killed. So my mom has to go back to work, and can’t homeschool us anymore.” I replied.

“How did you decide to start presenting as a girl?” Sue asked.

“Actually Dr. West, who was testing us for school placement, suggested it. I was rejected by a playgroup of boys. I thought it was because I didn’t know about football players. But Dr. West thought it might be because my mannerisms and vocal patterns were rather feminine. At first, I thought that presenting as a girl was a crazy idea, but I decided to give it a try. I was surprised how easy it was for me and how much better people treated me.” I explained.

“So you want to be a girl?” asked Sue.

“If I try to be a boy, I’m likely to be ostracized, bullied, beaten up, and have a very difficult time making friends. If I try to be a girl the outlook for all those things is much better. Which would you choose?” I reasoned.

“Most people, don’t have to choose. They feel the choice has been made for them, and they accept it. I fell into that group. But I see where you are coming from, and see the logic of your choice. Do you feel ready to make a lifelong commitment to this choice?” She asked.

“I have discussed this with, mom, Dr. West, and my sister. We agree to commit to this for my 2 years of high school, then revisit the decision when I go to college.” I answered.

“Wait! How old are you?” she asked.

“I’m 13 but Dr. West is recommending I be placed in 11th grade. My moms did a good job of homeschooling us.” I replied.

“You are very mature and you express yourself very well. Also very pretty. I have trouble seeing you as a boy. You have a lot of adjusting to do. Actually, adjusting to a girl’s role may be the easy part. I hope I can help you along the way.” She stated.

I felt a little heat in my cheeks, as I was not used to being called pretty. But I also felt a large smile. Sue was going to be on our side. “Thank you. This was easier than I expected.”

“Was it different than this with Dr. West?” she asked.

“Yes. Dr. West was a college friend of my mom. She was Aunt Julie to us before she was Dr. West.” I answered.

“Do you prefer transgender or gender fluid?” she asked.

“I think I prefer transgender. Gender fluid is probably more accurate, but transgender is better understood and accepted. Besides gender fluid won’t get me into St. Katherines, but transgender will. Also, I think it would be better if I don’t confuse people by changing back and forth.”

“It’s been very interesting, getting to know you. I find you very impressive and see you doing very well at whatever you choose. Can you make another appointment for next week? And if you don’t mind, could you come in jeans and tee-shirt.”

Sue walked me back to the reception room. “Liz, make an appointment for Charli for next week.”
Turning to my mom, “Mrs.Wilder, I am very impressed with your daughter. You can be very proud of her.”

“Thank you. I am very proud of her. Can I have a quick synopsis.”

“It is early, I don’t want to jump to conclusions based on only this brief interview. But at this point, I tend to agree that the best course of action is for Charli to attend St. Katherines as a transgender girl.”

We made an appointment for next Wednesday at 4:00, so mom could chauffeur me. Though I wouldn’t have started school. She would be prepping for classes

Mom and I stopped at Subway on the way home. My boy self was feeling pretty submerged, so I appeased him with a 6” steak sub. I recounted the meeting to mom. Though I entered somewhat wary and defensive, I found Sue friendly and easy to talk to. I left feeling she really wanted to help. Mom agreed the meeting had gone well and reiterated that she was very proud of me.

A Boyfriend?

When we got home, I changed into jeans and John Deere tee-shirt (from Charlie) and Charlie’s old sneakers with sweat sox.

“Mom, Joy, I want some alone time. I am taking a walk down to the park.” I shouted as I exited the door.

The neighborhood was old and expensive, most of the homeowners were old and established with no or grown children. There was a sprinkling of young professionals, but their children were mostly toddlers or younger as most had waited till their biological clocks were running down to start their families. They might be good if I wanted to try babysitting, but not much material for friends.

But today when I got to the park there was a boy about my age shooting baskets. I approached him, “Hi, I’m Charli and I’m new to the neighborhood.”

“Hi, I’m Tom. There aren’t many kids our age in this neighborhood.”

“Yeah, you are the first one I’ve met.”

“I wish you were a boy,” he said.

“Sometimes I wish I was a boy too. You could pretend I’m a boy. And I could get a better idea of what it’s like.” I said. As I wondered if this might be an opportunity to ease back into a boy role.

“You’re too pretty and delicate, for that,” said Tom.

“We will see about that! I challenge you to a game of one-on-one.” I came back.

“OK, it will be better than just shooting alone,” he replied, unenthusiastically.

The game was close, I was faster, and a better outside shot. But he was a better rebounder and could back me into the basket for easy layups. But when he saw he was in danger of losing, he got more physical and more aggressive. In the end, he won 15-13. We were both soaking wet. It was the best workout I had had in a long time.

“You’re very good, for a girl. Maybe that pretend your a boy thing could work. I’ll buy you a coke and we can talk some more.” Tom said.

“OK, but I’ll buy since I lost,” I replied.

“You're really into this pretend to be a boy thing?” Tom queried.

“We were homeschooled with little outside contact, so I’m having a little trouble finding where I fit socially,” I admitted.

“Well, I’d like to hold your hand. But if you insist on the boy thing, we probably shouldn’t,” said Tom.

Part of me wanted to hold hands, but another part said: “Let’s go with the boy thing for now.”
“Where do you live?” I asked.

“209 East Woodridge, it's one block south of the park. What about you?” he asked.

“818 North Oak, two blocks east of the park,” I answered.

“Maybe we will go to the same school. I will be starting 9th grade at Northside High,’’ said Tom.

“I hope to start 11th grade at St. Katherines. I have not been admitted yet, but I think I get some kind of special consideration because my mom will be teaching there.” I told Tom.

“I didn’t think you were that old.” blurted Tom.

“I’m only 13, but my mothers did such a good job homeschooling us that we are getting advanced placement,” I stated.

“You must be a genius! I’m 14 and you are two years ahead of me.” gushed Tom.

“My sister is not yet 12 and they're putting her in 10th grade. So, I think it’s more the teaching than us. We just kept learning and didn't have to wait for the slowest kids to catch up.”

He took us into Tony’s a small Italian restaurant. “This is the nearest place we can sit and have a drink.” when the waitress came to seat us, he asked, “ garden area please.”

She took us to a chained off area with tables under an awning. I think she was relieved that the two sweatty teenagers weren’t smelling up the restaurant. Tom told her “Two cokes and an order of breadsticks with marinara sauce.”

“You seem to know your way around here pretty well?” I questioned Tom.

“My parents own their own software company. He’s CEO and she’s CFO. They often work long hours and I’m left on my own. This is my favorite place for pizza.” Said Tom.

“My sister and I have one app on the commercial market,” I told him.

“You must really be a genius!” exclaimed. As the waitress returned with our cokes. “May I borrow a pen?” he asked her. He took a napkin and her pen and wrote Tom Gilstrap and a phone number.

I took the pen and a napkin and wrote Charli Wilder no cell YET! House phone 777 678 1331 (landline) (I was tempted to dot the i with a heart, but decided that was too over the top). We exchanged napkins.

“What is your app?” He asked.

“It’s called ‘Training your Puppies’. It was mostly an exercise to teach us a little JAVA programing. I did most of the coding, and my sister did most of the picture editing of the digital movies we had of our golden retriever puppies.” I told him.

“You have golden retrievers here?” Tom asked enthusiastically.

“Unfortunately no. Mom said they wouldn’t make good city dogs and we had to leave them with our grandparents on their ranch.”

“Boy or girl, I want you as a friend,” said Tom.

“And I want you as a friend too. I don’t think I’m ready for boy-girl dating type friendship yet. And I really want to get a feel for a boy-boy non-romantic friendship. We seem to be a pretty good match at basketball. You gave me the best workout I’ve had in a long time, and I’m sure we can find other things to do together.” I said.

The waitress returned with our breadsticks and refilled our cokes. I’m sure she thought she was witnessing a budding romance from the knowing smile she gave me. Part of me didn’t want any of that, but another part was curious. I felt a hand on the leg of my jeans. I quickly brushed it off, saying “boyfriends”. But it didn’t feel all that bad. On the other hand, I was seeing the idea of being “boyfriends” as very attractive. The major obstacle being Tom seeing me as a girl.

Tom said, “You’re easy to talk to. I don’t have much experience with girls.”

“I don’t have much experience, other than with my sister. And you can think of me as a boy if you want.” I stated.

“I’m liking you as a friend. And thinking having a pretty girl like you as a friend is pretty nice and good for my image.” Said Tom.

“So, you see me as eye candy?” I said with a little irritation in my voice.

“Genius, basketball playing, eye candy!” he replied.

“Ok.” I relented, deciding I liked being seen as pretty, and he did see more than a pretty package.

We finished eating. He insisted on paying. I decided not to fight over it, even though I realized I was playing the girl role. We agreed to stay in contact and get together again.

As I walked home, I felt I had made a new friend. But, what kind of friend. I knew part of the attraction for him, was that he saw me as a pretty girl. But I wanted to be his boyfriend, not his girlfriend.

Home

When I got home and passed Joy in the hall, she exclaimed: “EEww, it smells like my brother is back. Sis, you need a shower!”

“That’s where I’m headed,” I replied.

I showered, liking the floral body wash. I shampooed and conditioned my hair. I was getting to like parts of being a girl.

At dinner, mom asked, “How did your trip to the park go?”

“Very well. I met a 14-year-old boy. We played some one on one. Then went and had a coke. I think we both want to be friends. I really need a cell phone!” I replied.

“Yeah, we can’t be normal, without a cell phone.” seconded Joy.

“That didn’t go where I expected it to.” said mom. “But Julie we need to consider getting cell phones for all of us.”

“I’ve never felt the need,” replied Julie. “But, you are probably right. I’ll let you and the girls handle it.”

“Ok, I’ll look into a family plan with phones for each of us. Do you want to choose your own phone?” replied mom.

“No, just get me what you get yourself, maybe in a different color, so we can tell them apart,” replied Julie.

“Charli, can you tell us more about your new friend?” asked mom,

I had hoped, I had escaped the questioning over my new friend, but no such luck. “His name is Tom Gilstrap, he will be in 9th grade at Northside high, he lives a block south of the park, he’s an only child. His parents own a software company.” I replied.

“Do you like him?” asked mom.

“Yes, we played a good game of one-on-one, and had a nice talk over cokes,” I replied.

“How Hunky is he?” asked Joy.

I expected this from Joy, but not at the dinner table.

Mom came to the rescue with “Joy, some things are not suitable dinner conversation. I’m sure you and your sister can discuss that later. Also, she and I could use some private discussion.”

Oh great, more to look forward to (not).

“Mom, how’s school prep going,” I asked.

“Fine. I’m really looking forward to interacting with the students again. There’s only so much prep you can do. I never really stopped teaching, but with you two it was so easy, just helping you pursue your curiosity. Now I will have to deal with some unmotivated students.”

“Frankie, you really are an exceptional teacher. Few could get the results you have gotten with these two young adults,” said Julie.

“Yeah, I told Tom it was mostly due to mom and mother, but I’m still afraid he thinks I am some kind of super genius,” I said.

“Do you think you intimidate him?” asked mom.

“Maybe a little, but he’s still interested. He called me ‘genius, basketball playing, eye candy.’”

“That makes you just about perfect, for a 14-year-old boy!” interjected Julie.

“Sounds like he really likes you!” said Joy.

“He liked playing basketball with me, he finds me easy to talk to, he thinks I’m pretty and smart. He is intrigued by our golden retrievers, our grandparent's ranch, and that we have a marketable computer program. But he hasn’t gotten to know me yet.”

“You guys covered a lot of ground, for a first meeting. I am proud of how objective your outlook on this friendship is. I would like that mother-daughter talk, right after dinner.” said mom.

“I want a sister-sister talk after you talk with mom,” said Joy.

“ I will be available if you want to talk with me,” added Julie.

I was feeling the center of attention and not very comfortable about it. I finished my plate, and after chewing and swallowing, said “OK mom.” Then started busing my dishes to the kitchen.

Mom

Mom came into my room and closed the door She sat next to me on my bed and held my hand. Her touch was reassuring and comforting.

“You are doing very well with your new friend. I want you to know I will be here for you if you need to talk about things.” mom started.

“Thank you, I know you will always be there for me. But some things are hard to talk about especially with parents.” I replied.

“I understand, it’s not so long since I was on the other end of mother-daughter.” said mom.

“I’m not even sure daughter is right,” I replied.

“Are you second-guessing your decision?” asked mom.

“Not really. For the short term it is pretty clear that attending school as a transgender girl is clearly better educationally, socially, and safety wise. But with Tom, I was wanting him to be friends with boy Charlie, but he wanted to be friends with girl Charli.” I said.

Mom put her arm around me and gave me a firm hug. It made me feel loved.

“I told him, I would like him to pretend I was a boy, and for him treat me as a boyfriend. But he kept wanting to hold hands, and pay for the cokes even though I told him I should pay because I lost.” I continued.

“He was just behaving the way he thought he should. Even I am beginning to have trouble thinking of you, as a boy.” said mom.

“I don’t blame him. It’s just that I realized that I haven’t given being a boy a fair chance. I need to learn to interact as a boy, and this seems like an opportunity that is slipping away.” I said.

“Don’t give up on it. You need outside friends of both sexes.” said mom. “Perhaps we could look into enrolling you in youth basketball or something.”

I squeezed mom’s hand. “We can look into things. But as long as I look and act like a girl, it will be hard to get them to treat me like a boy. If they learn that I am transgender they will treat me like a freak, not a boy.”

“Some will treat you like a human being. Remember your family loves you regardless of how this plays out.”

We closed with a mutual hug.

____________________________________________________________________

I don't feel like I should have to beg for comments, but the long hiatus was at least partially due to discouragement from lack of reader feedback. I am not sure where I will take this story (or if I will let it die of apathy) but I would appreciate reader suggestions.

This is the first installment under the Saga title, But there have been ten prior installments:

2 Women, 2 Children, 2 dogs

How I Became Crossgender (six-part series)

Frankie and Julie in Bed

Charlie, the Way to School

Meetings

Recap

13-year-old Charlie Wilder Has been homeschooled with his younger sister to protect the children from the cruelties of the world, by his lesbian mothers.

When one mother is killed, he is forced into the real world. He discovers he is better at presenting as a girl than as a boy. He decides he will get a better education, be much safer and have a better social life if he attends the private girl's school as a transgender girl. His family agrees to this plan.

The initial meeting with the councilor who needs to certify her as transgender, has gone well.

Charli makes her first friend beside her sister. But the friend wants her as a girlfriend, while Charlie wants to be boyfriends.

In this installment, Charli has a grilling by her sister about the new boyfriend, a meeting with the Endocrinologist, and her first support group meeting.

As mom left my room Joy entered.

“Tell me all about him?” she asked.

“You pretty much got it all at dinner.” I answered.

“But, mom wouldn’t let you describe how hunky he was. And you didn’t say how you feel about him.” she continued.

“He is a 14-year-old boy. He has a way to go to become a man. I guess you could call him cute, but hunky would be a stretch. I enjoyed our game of one-on-one and our conversation afterward. I would like to be his boyfriend, but I think he wants me to be his girlfriend. I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I answered.

“I thought you wanted to be a girl?” Queried Joy.

“I am choosing to present as a girl, to get a better and safer education, for a better social outlook, and because people like you seem to relate to me better when I present as a girl. Having a boyfriend didn’t even enter the decision process. And I don’t think that equates to wanting to be a girl.” I answered.

Joy wrapped her arm around me and gave me a firm hug. “I am enjoying having you as my sister! But what is important is what makes you happy.”

I hugged her back, saying “Thank you. I am happy and am enjoying being your sister, even more than I enjoyed being your brother. But playing with Tom, made me realize that I really wanted to try being and having a boyfriend. And that, as a girl, Charli I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.”

Still hugging me. “I want to help any way I can. But I suspect some parts of growing up just take time and muddling through.”

“How did you get so wise, at such a young age?” I asked.

“I guess just growing up with two smart mothers, and a very smart sister/brother.” she answered.

“I’m glad to have you on my side. I think we’re pretty formidable as a team.” I said.

“Do you want to be a boy?” she asked, in a concerned almost worried voice.

“I don’t know. I like a lot of things about being a girl. And I feel like a failure being a boy. But I don’t think I was ever given a fair chance to be a boy.” I replied.

“I thought you were the best brother anyone could ask for. I think you’re an even better sister.” as she tightened her hug.

I felt my eyes tearing. “As sisters, I feel closer to you and more equal. As your brother, I felt that it was my duty to protect and lead you, which was often a chore. But now you seem more protective of me, and I feel I have lots to learn from you.”

“I want to help any way I can. I love you as my brother, and even more as my sister. But you need to decide what makes you happiest.” she said, continuing to hug me.

“As you said, time and muddling.” I replied as we closed with the extended hug.

As she left, I thought the hugging and the tears were much more effective in improving my mood than a stiff upper lip stand-off that Charlie might have engaged in.

“Hi, you can call me Dr. McCready or Bob, whatever is more comfortable for you.” stated the handsome 30ish man in the white lab coat.

“Let’s start with Dr. McCready. I’m not used to addressing adults by their first names.” I replied.

“Dr. West has briefed me on your situation, but could you summarise it in your own words?” he asked.

“I was raised and homeschooled by my lesbian mothers with my younger sister. One of my mothers was killed in an accident. In testing us for school placement, Dr. West suggested, I might consider presenting as a transgender girl for school. After a brief trial, I, my mom, Dr. West, and my sister decided to proceed with me attending St.Katherine’s.” I summarised.

“You seem very natural as a girl. I would never have questioned your gender. Do you have any problems presenting as a girl?” he asked.

“I seem to have more problems presenting as male. Dr. West says I have feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms.” I replied.

“I tend to agree with that observation. Do you see your future as a man or as a woman?” was the next question.

“I’m not sure. The plan is to reassess in two years.” I answered.

“Well, we can proceed with your school physical. I’ll let the nurses measure and weigh you and play vampire. Then we can talk some more.” as he exited.

A nurse came measured and weighed me, took BP and oxygen levels, and lots of blood. Thankfully she was good and did it with one stick of the needle.

“Don’t worry, Honey, lots of girls are late bloomers and go on to become real beauties. You’re very pretty, and won’t have any trouble attracting boys.”

I was amused by her assumptions, but only replied: “Thank you.”

Dr. McCready returned with, “I assume you would rather not start growing facial and body hair and have your voice change while attending St. Katherine’s.”

“Those could cause problems.” I replied.

“I can prescribe testosterone blockers. They basically just delay your puberty. In theory, when you stop the blockers you can pick up where you left off. We don’t have good long term data on delaying puberty, but short term use of the drugs is pretty safe.”

“So your saying, if I take the blockers, I will stay the way I am now. Neither developing into a man nor a woman?” I asked.

“Yes, but there can be side effects. Frequent urination is most common. Headaches especially as the medication is introduced. Slight increases in blood pressure.”

“Sounds better than being the bearded lady of St. Katherines.” I replied.

“We will need your parent's approval.” He said.

“Only one surviving parent, which shouldn’t be a problem.”

We called mom in. The Dr. explained. We signed the forms and left with a prescription.

When Julie was free I knocked on her door and she said: “Come in.”

“What can you tell me about the meeting tonight?” I asked.

“It’s scheduled to start at 7. They usually run until 9:30 to 10:00. It’s casual dress, but many of the older members use it as a chance to dress up. I will wear a skirt suit and heels to remain professional. I am expecting 8 to 10 people. I suggest you enter the living room about 7:15, so you don’t have to explain your situation repeatedly. I suggest you prepare a little introduction with your name, age, why you're presenting as a girl, how long you have been, and what you expect to get from the group. Oh, and only use first names, for security.” Julie answered.

“Who will the other people be?” I asked.

“Most are my patients. A few are not. Most are transitioning male to female. A few are cross-dressing and not ready to admit to themselves that it may be deeper than that. They range from you, the youngest, to the late 60’s. We will have a round of introductions, as I asked you to prepare.” answered Julie.

“You seem to have summarized pretty well. See you at dinner, then the meeting.” I said as I exited.

We discussed the meeting at dinner too. Mostly mom asking Julie about it. Mom decided she would contribute an urn of coffee, two pitchers of lemonade, and a double batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. And that she and Joy would go shopping and not intrude on the meeting.

Joy helped me decide what to wear. We decided on a kelly green pleated skirt with a white blouse (with bra and chicken filets) and my ivory flats. I noted again how much larger girls color vocabulary was. I removed the studs for the first time and wore some dangle snowflake earrings. I added some bubble gum pink lipstick and mascara.

Joy got dressed and made up for shopping, and went to help mom sample the cookies.

As I thought about my introduction, I realized that I was getting much more comfortable with my situation and explaining it.

As I waited, I felt a strange mixture of dread and anticipation. How weird would these people be? How would I fit in? Finally, I entered the living room at 7:12.

Julie asked everyone to find seats, so we could start. I found a seat between the next youngest who was dressed androgynously in sweats and the oldest who appeared to be doing a June Cleaver imitation.

Julie said, “Since I’m sure you are all curious, let us start with our newest member, Charli,”
As she nodded to me.

“I am Charli, and I’m almost 14. Until recently it was a Charlie with an IE, but recently I’ve changed to Charli with just an I.” I gave a little curtsey. I was raised and homeschooled with my younger sister, by my lesbian moms. When Dr. West tested me for school placement, he suggested that it might be safer and better educationally and socially, If I attended school as a transgender girl. He felt the feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns I had learned in the all-female environment would cause problems if I tried to present as a boy. My first reaction was that was a crazy idea. But when I decided to try it, I was surprised that I liked a lot of things about being a girl, and how easy it was to present and be accepted as a girl.”

“You have no idea, how envious that makes many of us.” stated a rather masculine voice from across the room.

“Jean, yes, I think many of us see Charli’s situation as rather ideal. But she is still struggling with her decision, and this group is here to try and help each other. Let’s continue with the introductions.” said Julie.

The June Cleaver imitator was next. “I’m Jane, I’m 69. I’ve felt I was female since before I started school, But I pretended to be male until my wife died 6 years ago. I retired and decided to live the rest of my life as Jane.”

“I’m Elaine, I’m 46. You might consider me a crossdresser as I live and work as a male and don’t plan to transition. But my time as Elaine gives me feelings of tranquility and peace with the world that I don’t get in my male personna.” She had apparently done some voice work, as it was not as masculine as I would have expected from the estimated 6’ 2” (before the 3 1⁄2” heels) and her makeup was well done and not overdone but didn’t quite cover her beard shadow. Her skirt and blouse were tasteful and age-appropriate.

“I’m Terri, I’m 38 and have been living full time as a female for 4 ½ years. I am still trying to save for the operation, but I have found a partner who is happy with me as I am, and I’m starting to think a wedding is higher priority than the operation.” She was probably the most passable in the room at about 5’ 6” and wearing a pant-suit that revealed a very femanine shape and flats. Her voice did not betray her male origin.

“I’m Julie, I’m 41. I’ve felt female as long as I can remember, but I lived the first 21 years of my life very unhappy trying to present as male. I started my real life trial when I started medical school. I did my surgical transition shortly after graduation. I hope to use my experience to help others in their gender journeys.”

“I’m Jean, I’m 51. I’ve been crossdressing 35 years, but the compulsion seems to be getting stronger.” The rather frilly dress she wore, looked almost comical on the linebacker body with the very masculine voice.

“I’m Jennifer, I’m 24. I’m 8 months into my real life trial.” She was in a maroon tracksuit and looked pretty androgynous except the small mounds on her chest and her flowing auburn curls. Her voice was androgynous too.

“I’m Allison, I’m 20. Sometimes I feel like a boy, sometimes like a girl. I have tried to present androgynously since I started college, but that seems to have only created more confusion, both internally and externally.”
That completed the circuit of the room, and Julie took charge again, “Now that we have introduced ourselves, I suggest we sample the homemade chocolate chip cookies and lemonade that Charli’s mom gifted us.” This led to a virtual stampede into the kitchen.

As we stood at the back of the line, Jane said to me “You are very natural and pretty as a girl. I can see how you might have trouble presenting as a boy.”

I felt a slight blush, but replied, “I think growing up in a female-only environment, I picked up the accent. Now the world doesn't want to accept me as a boy, but welcomes me as a girl.”

“That’s kind of a mirror image of the problem most of us have.” replied Jane.

We each collected a small plate of cookies and a glass of lemonade and returned to the living room.

As we all settled back into our seats, Julie reopened: “If I gauge the room correctly most of us would like to know more about Charli. Charli, can you tell us about your feelings on gender, growing up?”

I was a little uncomfortable with all eyes on me. “When my mothers homeschooled us, my sister and I were taught everything together from reading and writing to cooking and carpentry. Gender didn’t make much difference. I had a penis, so I was a boy, but that didn’t affect what I was taught or what was expected of me.”

“So you haven’t always felt like a girl trapped in a boy’s body?” asked Jane.

“I have never known what it feels like to be a girl or a boy, or if anything felt different, I was just me. It is only since leaving that protected environment that I see that the world attaches so much else, to being a boy or a girl. What I have learned is that this world, I am trying to move into, is much more welcoming when I present as a girl than when I present as a boy.”
`
“That’s different. Most of us with experience on both sides of the gender divide, would say the world is biased for men and boys, and against women and girls.” interjected Terri. Most of the room nodded in agreement.

“Then why would you want to change from male to female?” I asked.

“It’s more a need than a want. There is something inside saying you are really a woman, that makes living as a man very uncomfortable and feel like a fraud. It can be very isolating and make one feel very alone.” answered Terri. “I have found someone I love very much, and who makes me feel very loved. I doubt I could have done that hiding behind a male mask. That alone makes my transition worth it.”

“I don’t seem to have an inner direction on boy or girl. I have parts that say I’m a boy. But when I try to present as a boy, the world says there is something wrong about you, we don’t want anything to do with you. When I try to present as a girl, they say you are pretty, welcome to our world.” I said.

“Do you feel different when you present as a girl than when you present as a boy?” asked Jean.

“I feel like I’m the same me, but the world treats me differently.” I answered.

“You don’t feel like one way your being yourself, and the other your pretending to be someone else?” asked Jean.

“No, I feel like I’m myself either way. It’s just that I’m treated differently depending on how I dress.” was my reply.

“I think people want to classify you one way or the other. When they have trouble deciding, they get uncomfortable and withdraw. I suspect when you presented as a boy, your gestures and vocal patterns gave mixed signals, confusing people and making them tend to withdraw. I think my experiments with androgyny may be more authentic for me, but they are not well accepted.” said Allison.

I thought people are not rejecting boy Charlie, they are withdrawing from a stranger who is confusing them with a mix of boy signals and girl signals. They accept girl Charli because they don’t have trouble classifying her as a girl.

“Yes, the harder it is for people to classify you, the more difficult interactions with them will be.” added Jean.

“I have trouble with the idea of having no internal gender orientation. I have felt like a girl as long as I can remember, it seems like that feeling has always been there.” Said Jennifer.

“It’s true, gender orientation forms very early. But Charlie had little exposure to males and she had little exposure to the gender differentiation and expectations that most of us grow up with. She is aware of sexual differences, but comparatively new to gender differences.” stated Julie.

“Allison, do you have any comments on your internal gender compass?”

“Mine has never pointed in one direction clearly. Sometimes it seems to spin wildly, but mostly I feel somewhere in the middle. And people don’t accept the middle very well.” replied Allison.

“I think it would be better if people didn’t put so much importance on gender and make so many assumptions based on gender. They should just get to know people as individuals.” I stated.

“Amen. But we have to live in the world as it is, not as we wish it was.” said Jennifer.

Other than a couple other muttered Amens it was quite.

Julie broke the silence with “Charli, will be starting at a girl’s school. It will be her first time
in a regular classroom as she has only been homeschooled. Do any of you have any advice for her?”

“Make friends. Friends are what make school bearable.” said Jennifer.

“If you can don’t let them know you are trans. You can pass as a regular girl. Generally, you will get treated better as a girl than as a trans girl.” Said Terri.

“It might be a good idea to take some martial arts or self-defense classes.” said Jean.

“Pay attention to your grooming. It is more important as a girl than as a boy.” Said Jane.

“Pursue your own interests and learn on your own. Don’t depend on the teachers to guide you.” came from Allison.

“Have fun. Don’t let studies or teenage angst overwhelm you.” said Elaine.

“This would be a good point to end the group meeting and just socialize and enjoy the refreshments.” said Julie.

Jane leaned over to me and said, “You are a very impressive 14-year-old. I wish I could adopt you as a granddaughter.

“I’d love you as an honorary grandmother. Give me your phone, and I’ll give you mine as soon as I get a cell phone. Very soon, I hope.”

She got a pad from her purse, wrote her name and phone number on it and handed it to me, and said, “I hope to hear from you soon, young people seem to ignore their grandparents so often.”

Terri was next, “You seem to have your thoughts together better than most 14 year-olds. But be careful, this is a decision you have to make for yourself, not for others.”

“Congratulations on your engagement.” I said.

“Thank you, It’s something I never expected to happen to me. Sometimes life surprises you in good ways.” Terri replied.

“This gender stuff came as a big surprise, I hope it turns out good.” I answered.

“I think whatever you decide it will come out good. You seem like someone who will succeed at whatever you decide to do.” Terri responded.

Jean was next, “If I looked as good as you do, I would go girl in a flash!”

“I don’t think looks are that important. How kind and caring they are is much more important.” I replied.

“Well, looks are more important for girls. And as a girl you are truly blessed.” was Jean’s gruff reply.

“I’ll take that as a compliment, and leave it at that.” I replied, not understanding where Jean was coming from.

Elaine asked me, “You're not making a special effort to be feminine?”

“If you don’t count wardrobe selection, hairstyle, jewelry and makeup.” I replied.

“But you’re just speaking and gesturing naturally?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m beginning to see that is my problem trying to present as a boy.” I answered.

“The bright side is you have conquered what for many of us is one of the harder parts of transitioning.” Said Elaine.

“If asked to identify the genetic girl in the room, most people would pick you.” Said Allison who was standing nearby and listening to us.

“I didn’t realize there was a genetic girl. Are you?” I asked.

“Guilty,” answered Allison. “I’m glad to no longer be the baby of the group. So welcome and I hope you continue to come.”

“I hope you do too. I find your situation fascinating, even though. I’ve never met or even read about someone like you.” said Elaine.

“We are all different, but can all help each other. We are all learning to deal with a society that wants to label us male or female and wants to attach lots of baggage with the label. I found this meeting more helpful than I expected it to be, and intend to be back.”

“I gather you are just getting your first real taste of our society and schools?” asked Allison.

“Yes, I have only been homeschooled and until recently only had contact with my mothers and sister.” I replied.

“If you need help adjusting to school or socially, you can call me, though I don’t claim to be an expert or even average socially.” with that I collected another number for my soon to be phone.

When the meeting broke up, Julie asked, “How did you find the meeting?”

“Better than I expected. Most of the people were nice and trying to help.” I answered.

“Most?” queried Julie.

“Well, Jean seamed bitter and hostile. And I don’t understand why.” I said.

“It’s not anything you did. Jean’s gender dysphoria is flaring and she is in denial. I suspect she is jealous of how easily you present as a girl. And Jean is normally pretty cynical, bitter and hostile.” Explained Julie.

“That fits. I also came to the realization that people were not rejecting boy Charlie, just shying away because he was giving mixed boy-girl signals.” I said.

“That’s a very astute and important observation. People often feel rejected, when something very different is going on. When you feel rejected, it is good to step back and ask, is that really what is happening or is it something else. You continue to amaze me with your maturity and understanding.” said Julie.

I had read all I could about transgender, but meeting real people made it much more real. They wanted to help me, even though I still felt different from them. Something that had bothered me, was driven home. They (except Allison) had some inner drive to be feminine despite their bodies being male. I could not find any inner direction pointing to either a boy or girl, only a wish I could just forgo the label and be myself, whatever that might be."

Julie replied, "You are just starting a long journey, don't be afraid to discuss your situation, or afraid to seek help."

I returned to my room to listen to some music, and try to sort through the many thoughts floating around in my head.

Joy burst into the room, “Do you want to see my new outfit?”

“Of course!” I answered as Joy skipped back to her room to change and model for me.

Though I had found the transition to feminine easy and found shopping more fun, I doubted I would ever have the enthusiasm for clothes (and jewelry, and makeup) that most girls like Joy had.

Joy came back in a pretty lavender skirt with a floral pattern paired with a white blouse that showed the shape her training bra gave her and a pair of black patent 1” kitten heels. She radiated her euphoria at taking this small step toward womanhood. I’m sure mom felt her reaction was worth the price of the outfit.

“Very pretty, It gives you a more grown-up look. It seems you had a good time shopping.” I commented.

“It was great, but it would have been more fun if you were there too. How was your meeting?” asked Joy.

“Better than I expected. The people were mostly nice and tried to be helpful.” I answered.

“Were they weird?” she asked.

“Not really. Some gave mixed male-female signals, which was a little strange. I came to the realization that was the problem I was having as boy Charlie. I was speaking and acting like a girl and that confused people.” I said.

“You really didn’t have much for male role models. So it wasn’t really your fault.” She tried to console me.

“Yeah. I didn’t realize what was going on. I thought I was being rejected for lack of football knowledge. But really they were avoiding me because they didn’t know how to react to me.” I said.

“You are probably right. But I think anyone who made an effort to get to know you, would like you and want you as a friend,” replied Joy.

“I guess we will get to test that theory when we start school. It’s getting late and we have interviews with the headmistress in the morning. It’s time we go to bed.”

_________________________________________

Sorry for the time between installments, but I haven't been very motivated. I know this makes it hard for readers.
I think I have created a different character and situation, but I don't know if anyone can relate or cares, so comment or PM.

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Entrance Interview

I was more anxious than I expected, I was going to be interviewed by someone with the power to deny me the educational experience I wanted.

“Girls!” mom said loudly, to get our attention. “Grace, Miss Able to you, is sharp and caring. Don’t try to BS her. She will see through it. She wants what is best for all of us.
I think she will be an ally. But her experience with their only transgender student has been largely negative, and her first priority will be what she thinks is best for the school. Just be honest and let her get to know you. I think she will see you both as major assets to the school.”

“What is negative about the current transgender girl?” I asked mom.

“I didn’t say there was anything negative about the girl. And I don’t have any direct knowledge of the situation. The impression I got was that the school has enough supervision and discipline that Grace feels that they have the bullying under control, but the girl has not been well accepted socially. She will be in 10th grade, so Joy may have more interaction with her than you Charlie.” replied mom, as she parked in the St. Katherine’s parking lot.

Mom led us to Miss Able’s office. I didn’t find the school as imposing as I expected. The school had an outstanding academic reputation. The main building was an old brick structure (I later found the cornerstone said 1898), but the inside was clean (ammonia smell) and well lighted.
I wouldn’t call it warm and inviting, but it seemed modern with new desks and lots of computers.

When we entered the office the secretary(?) greeted mom,” Hi, Frankie! This must be Charli and Joy. Welcome to St.Katherine’s. I’m Mrs. Greene, my official title is registrar, but I’m here to do anything I can to help Miss Able and the students.”

Mom said, “She means it. Over the years student’s have found she is the one to go to with school problems. I doubt anyone has graduated without her help.”

I think I detected a slight blush. But Mrs. Greene returned to business, “Charli, I believe you are first up. Knock on that door and see if she is ready for you,” pointing to a door to her right.

Interview with the Headmistress

I got up, walked to the door and knocked. I received an almost immediate “Come in.” I was greeted with a warm smile and “You must be Charli. You are looking very nice today.”

I thought not the two-headed monster you were expecting but replied: “Thank you.”

“I’ve known your mother for years, so I’m not surprised that you are exceptionally well qualified academically. But why do you want to come to St. Katherines?” she asked.

“The main reason is that it will provide an education far superior to any of the alternatives,” I answered.

“You allude to other reasons. What are they?” she asked.

“It will allow me to stay closer to my mother and sister, which I see as desirable. Also, I think it will be much safer, both physically and emotionally than the local public high school, which is the main alternative.”

“All very good reasons. How long have you felt like a girl?” Was the next question.

“I’ve never felt like a girl, nor have I ever felt like a boy. Growing up, I was happy just being me, pursuing learning what interested me and developing my abilities, regardless of whether your society labeled them boy things or girl things.” I replied.

“You seem very accomplished in presenting as a girl. Haven’t you had to work at that?” she asked.

“At first when Dr. West suggested that I might have a better educational experience as a transgender girl, it seemed like a stupid idea. But when I experimented with living as a girl, I found it surprisingly easy and quite a positive experience. What I am belatedly coming to realize, is that growing up in an all-female environment with very little male exposure, I acquired feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms. When I try to present as a boy, these give mixed signals and cause people to back away or avoid me. When I present as a girl, the pieces fit and I am easily accepted as a girl leading to a much more positive experience.” I explained.

“Wow, that was amazingly insightful and well explained. Do you think if you could overcome those presentation problems you would like to be a boy?” she asked.

“I would like to experiment with it like I have with being a girl. But I am finding more things I like about being a girl and dislike about being a boy, and think I might end up preferring being a girl.” I answered. She was asking really good questions and seemed to want to understand me.

“What are you liking and disliking?” She queried.

“Oh like friendships for example. Female friendships seem more cooperative, with girls helping each other with things like wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyles, and really talking and listening about feelings. Male friendships seem more competitive, more about alpha-male chest-bumping and establishing a pecking order than helping each other.” I said.

“I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I think you might be right. You have convinced me, I want you to be part of my school. I see you as contributing more to making this the outstanding school, I want it to be, than most students. I only wish we didn’t have to label you as transgender.” she stated.

“Why do you have to label me as transgender?” I asked.

“It’s not the kind of secret that keeps well and many of the faculty know your mother’s first child was a boy. Also, we have policies on bathroom use and changing for PE that would tend to point you out.” She replied.

“Most of this gender stuff is just stupid, creating problems where there shouldn’t be any!” I exclaimed.

“I like your passion. I am going to enjoy working with you to make this work. I’m afraid it’s time to cut this off. Could you go and send your sister in.

Joy and Headmistress

“You must be Joy. As you probably know, I am Miss Able the headmistress here.” the headmistress stated.

“Are you going to let my sister come here?” Joy asked.

“That seems very important to you.” Miss Able replied.

“It is! I want us to be together. But you didn’t answer my question.” Joy replied.

“To answer your question. Yes, your sister has earned a place in our student body. Now it is your turn, and you are not off to a good start, being rude and disrespectful.” Stated Miss Able.

“I didn’t mean to be rude or disrespectful. But you didn’t answer my question. And my moms taught me respect has to be earned and you pissed me off talking down to me.” was Joy’s comeback.

“Touche, actually you are off to a good start with your loyalty to your sister and your ability to stand up to authority. But we do discourage our young ladies from using terms like pissed off,” she said.

“Sorry, mom doesn’t like that kind of language either.” apologized Joy.

“What problems have you had adjusting from your little homeschooled world to the big city?” Grace asked.

“It didn’t seem like a little world. We had 5 acres and that felt big. I could go climb a tree and sit alone, 30 feet off the ground, and feel like the whole world was mine. Just because this location is filled with lots of people I don’t have any meaningful connection to, it makes it feel smaller, not bigger.” mused Joy.

“What is your reaction to your brother becoming your sister?” asked the headmistress.

“I LOVE it. He was a really good big brother and I loved him, but as a sister, she is soo much better and more fun.” enthused Joy.

“How is she better and more fun?” asked Grace.

“Brother seemed to think bossing me around was part of the job description. Sister treats me as more of an equal. We can talk better, share thoughts and feelings better, and girl Charli is way more fun to shop with than boy Charlie.” said Joy.

“You have lost a parent, the only home you have ever known and in a way a brother in a short period of time. How do you feel you are coping?” Asked the head.

“We all miss Mother. Especially Mom. But as Mon tells us, the best thing we can do for Jane is to get on with our lives and make them into something she would be proud of. I miss the homestead, but there are lots of new and exciting things here that I look forward to: going to a real school, making friends outside the family, shopping. I think I’ve gained more with my sister than I lost with my brother. I feel I’m coping OK.” said Joy.

“I think you are doing amazingly well. I don’t want to be the one to try to break apart you and your sister, so you are both invited to attend St. Katherine’s,” said Grace.

“Can I tell Charli and mom?” asked Joy as she bounded from her chair, bouncing with joyous energy.

“Yes. And then the three of you can all come back here to discuss how we want to proceed.”

Joy bounded to the door, flung it open, and shouted: “We’re in!” After flying into Charli’s arms for a joyous hug, she added, “She would like to talk to all three of us now.”

Family with Headmistress

After the three of us returned to the office, and were seated, The headmistress started,” Frankie, knowing you, and having read the girls' files, I had high expectations. But your girls have exceeded any expectations I might have had. I was blown away by how articulate and mature they both were, and by Joy’s unrestrained enthusiasm. I think they will both make marvelous additions to our little community.”

“Thank you, I am very proud of both of them.” replied mom.

“I think Charli will blend with the other students, much better than our current transgender student. Charlie will have to follow the policy we have set for our current transgender student, and not use the girls restrooms, and change for PE in the coach’s locker room.” Stated Grace.

“What is she supposed to do when she has to use a toilet?” Asked mom.

“There are three single occupancy laboratories on campus. She can use faculty facilities. And after carefully checking for visitors, she can use an empty men’s room.” replied Grace.

“Won’t that separate her from the other girls and point out her special status?” asked mom.

“Sadly yes. I regret it. But I can’t see letting what are anatomically still boys mix in the girls’ restroom.” replied Grace.

“Haven’t others sued to let transgenders use facilities for their preferred gender?” asked mom.

“Yes, but not as many as have sued to reverse such policies. I feel caught in the middle. But I feel I am more likely to succeed getting a few reasonable people like you and Linda’s parents to compromise than to get the rabble-rousing fanatics on the other side to shut up and mind their own business. Besides, I wouldn’t like your chances in court with the current administration.” replied Grace.

“I’m not trying to make trouble. I only want what’s best for my girls.” stated mom.

“I want what’s best for all the students and the school. If you have a better solution, I am open to considering it,” replied Grace.

Grace continued, “I think it would be best if we gave as many students as possible. A chance to get to know Charli, without the preknowledge that she is transgender.”

Mom jumped in, “How is she supposed to do that when your policies will out her?”

Grace continued, “ Charli is now aware of the rules. Students often knowingly break rules. That will be her choice. I will only enforce some rules if forced to by complaints. I propose that we tell the faculty that girls have been well home-schooled and given advanced placement and that this is their first exposure to a formal classroom environment. I do not expect her transgender status to remain secret for long, but I would like to give both Charli and Joy the chance to make some friends before it becomes well known.”

Mom replied, “ I agree with your thinking, but do you think it will work?”

Grace answered, “I don’t know, but I think it is better than telling everyone upfront that Charli is transgender. I expect everyone to treat Charli as a regular girl. That will be easier if that is what they think. Are we all in agreement on this approach?”

Mom answered first, “I agree.”

Joy quickly followed, “I agree.”

I joined in, “I agree.”

Grace continued,” OK, for now, the four of us, Mrs. Greene, and the school nurse will be the only ones who officially know Charli’s transgender status. I suggest until it becomes general knowledge none of us either confirm or deny that status. But we will all have to use our own discretion in individual situations.”

After, what seemed like a long time, with each of us looking to the others to say something, Grace continued, “I had a thought that Charli might want to join our theater club to work on her male presentation.”

She had listened well and was trying to help. “That might be a good idea. I’ll think about it .” I replied.

Mom seemed a little surprised but didn’t say anything.

“This meeting seems to be winding down. I’m sure there is much more we could work on together, but we have agreed on a general approach, and none of us quite knows what to expect next, so let us close for now. I want to offer a warm welcome to the St. Katherines community, to all three of you. Please feel welcome to come to me if you think I can help.”

Mom said, “Thank you Grace, I’m glad we’re dealing with you. You have taken, what could have been a confrontational situation, and left me with the feeling we are all on the same team.”

Joy said, “Thank you, Miss Able. You have earned my respect.”

I said, “Thank you, Miss Able. Mom said you were sharp and caring, you have proven her correct.”

“Thanks to all of you. I think you will prove to be three of the best addition to our community in my tenure.” closed Miss Able.

Lunch with Mom and Joy

As we walked out of the school, mom asked, “Do you girls have a lunch preference? I would like someplace relatively quiet and private, that we can discuss the meeting we just had,”

“There is a little Italian restaurant in our neighborhood,” I suggested.

“Is that OK with you, Joy.” asked mom.

“Fine by me,” answered Joy.

We were greeted by a waitress as we entered. “Welcome to Tony’s. May I seat you, ladies?”

Mom replied, “Thank you. Could we have a table away from other diners, so we can have a private discussion?”

The waitress pointed to a table in an alcove across from a closed bar, “Will that do?”

“That would be perfect.” replied mom.

The waitress seated us, gave us each a menu, and took our drink orders.

She was back with our drinks quickly but we were ready to order. Mom ordered a house salad,I ordered lasagna, and Joy ordered a personal pan pizza. Mom gave Joy a look that said she would have preferred Joy had ordered something else but didn’t say anything.

“Charli, did you understand what Miss Able was saying about only enforcing some rules if forced to by complaints?” asked mom?

“I think so. If I am with a group of girls who are going to the restroom, I have the choice of going with them, knowing I am breaking a rule, but there will probably be no consequences if it doesn’t cause problems.” I answered.

“Exactly. And I think she was implying that she trusted you to exercise discretion in such decisions. I want to add that I trust you too.” said mom.

I knew she trusted me, but it felt good to hear her say it.

“What did you tell her that she suggested drama club for your ‘male presentation’?” asked mom.

“I told her that I had more trouble presenting as a male, because I had acquired feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms,” I answered.

“Maybe that is why it has been so easy to accept you as a girl. Would you like to be able to give a more male presentation?” asked mom.

“I am beginning to realize that when I tried to present as a boy, I was giving off mixed boy-girl signals. This confused people, not knowing how to treat me, so they tended to withdraw. This felt like rejection. As a girl the signals align and I am much better accepted. I would like to give being a boy a fair chance, and that will require I improve my male presentation.” I answered.

“It seems you have given this a lot of thought. You know Julie and I want to be there for you as you work through these things. I wish you had talked to us about this.” said Mom.

“You can talk to me too,” interjected Joy.

“These ideas are only just coming together for me. Last night’s meeting brought some insight. Most of the people there were born male, but have had a strong inner voice shouting girl since they were very young. My inner voice says ‘just be yourself, male or female shouldn’t matter, just follow your interests and talents.’ I am just beginning to see that much of the reason I am enjoying being a girl is that others accept me better as a girl, and I like being accepted as a girl better than being rejected as a boy.”

The waitress brought mom’s salad and informed us the lasagna and pizza would be ready in about 10 minutes.

When the waitress left mom asked, “Do you think if you were equally accepted as a boy, you would prefer being a boy?”

“I dought it. I am finding lots I prefer about being a girl.” I replied.

“We will love you whatever you decide,” said Joy.

I thought, I know that, but it sure felt good to hear it.

“You know that we, Julie and me, love you too.” added mom. “I think we should share some of your insights with Julie.”

At this point, my lasagna and Joy’s pizza were delivered. The waitress asked, “Would you like Parmesan on your lasagna and pizza?”

“Yes please,” I responded.

“Yes please,” parroted Joy.

The waitress took a grater and a chunk of cheese and grated it onto my lasagna and then Joy’s pizza, and then left.

The conversation died as we ate.

After a few minutes, mom asked, “How are your meals?”

After a pause to swallow, I answered, “Very good.”

“Same here,” added Joy.

“Charli, you did very well, suggesting this place,” said mom.

“Joy, your unrestrained enthusiasm cuts both ways. As a teacher, it is great to have students with the enthusiasm for learning you two have. But Joy you have a tendency to blurt out questions, answers, and comments as they pop into your head. This is fine when we have 1 teacher and 2 students as we have had. But when there are 25 to 30 students and one teacher, as there will be, it becomes very confusing if everyone offers their inputs as you do. Most of your teachers will want you to raise a hand and be recognized before you speak. The same goes for you Charli, but I don’t expect it to be as much a problem for you.” stated mom.

“I’ll try to think before I speak,” said Joy.

“I think things will go better if you do. But I don’t want either of you to lose your enthusiasm for learning. If you find any of your teachers stifling or unbearable, let me know.” said Mom.

We both chose to nod acceptance and remain quiet.

After a quiet interlude, mom said, “I am very proud of both of you. As a reward, we will now go get cellphones for the family.” This had Joy dancing in the aisle.

I think mom intentionally ignored Joy’s disappointment when we headed for Walmart rather than the Apple store. We ended up with a family plan with unlimited talk and text and a 5 meg data limit for the entire family and 4 identical low-end android phones: pink for Joy, red for mom, silver for Julie and powder blue for me. We got a lecture on not spending lots of time with online games and using home internet, not the phone for large files and downloads. I was happy to just have my own phone. We got sequential phone numbers, identical except the last digit, Julie’s ended in 3, mom’s in 4, mine in 5, and Joy’s in 6. We joked that there was no number 1 in the family.

Home

When we got home, Joy and I ran to our rooms with our new phones. I had entered the other 3 cell phones in my contacts when I received my first call, the screen said Joy. I answered, “Hi Joy.”

“How did you know it was me?” asked Joy.

“The screen shows the calling number, and since I had already entered you in my contacts it also said Joy.” I replied.

“Well, the phones work. I’ll come to your room after dinner so we can talk. Bye.” said Joy. The screen said call ended.

I added the home phone to contacts. And then Tom. I wanted to call him, but I settled on texting him my new number.

I added Jane and Allison to my contacts but decided to have a chat with Julie before contacting them.

My phone rang again. I answered,” Hi Tom, I see you got my text.”

“I’ve been wanting to call you, but didn’t want to go through the rents.”

“You mean parents? I have to get used to teen talk.”

“You got it. I forget so much is new to you. Would you be interested in basketball on Saturday?”

“Another 1 on 1?”

“No, depending on who we can get it could be anywhere from 3 on 3 to 5 on 5.”

“Sounds good to me. Might have to check with the rent.”

“Some of us will probably go to my place for video games after we play.”

“Is that an invite?”

“Yes.”

“I’m interested in that too.”

“Good. We try to start about 11. I’ll text you details as things firm up. It will be on the court we played on.”

“Thank you.”

“I’m glad you have your own phone. Feel free to call or text whenever you want.”

“You too.”

“How’s school going?”

“It hasn’t started yet. But the phone was a kind of reward for getting accepted at Saint Katherine’s. So that part went well.”

“Congratulations. Ours hasn’t started yet, but I have a class schedule. I’m not looking forward to Algebra.”

“ Don’t let it intimidate you. It was actually one of my favorite subjects. I found it quite easy and useful.”

“Genius confirmed!”

“If you say so.”

“At least I know where to go for help.”

“Girls, dinner.” came from mom.

“Guess I have to go,” I told Tom.

“Family dinners must be nice, bye.” he replied.

“Bye.” as call ended appear on the screen.

Joy, that Evening

That evening Joy came into my room with a big smile on her face. I could feel my own smile growing. Leaping to my feet and hugging her, I exclaimed, “We’re in! She wants us!”

“Yeah, she really cares about the school and her students, and she thinks having us there, will make it better,” replied Joy, as she hugged me back.

“It’s a relief to have that over with. I have been worrying a lot, about whether I was really transgender and if I could get away with attending St Katherine’s.” I said.

“I wasn’t worried going in, but she was a little scary and made me worry when I was a little disrespectful asking if you were in.” said Joy.

“I didn’t think anything scared you,” I said.

“Of course I get scared, there are lots of scary things out there. The trick is to not let it show,” replied Joy.

“You do that well.” I complimented her.

“I’m just Wonderwoman’s (staring at me) sidekick.” looking at me with her puppy dog eyes.

“And I’m just starting to see myself as a cis-male who is better at presenting as a female than as a male,” I stated.

A surprised look came over Joy’s face, as she asked, “Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’ve always questioned whether I was really transgender. I worried that pretending to be transgender would be like a transgender person pretending to be their birth gender and might be harmful to my mental health.” I stated.

“Why didn’t you share that with me and/or mom? We want to be there for you!” asked Joy.

“I wasn’t trying to hide anything. This is just beginning to become clear in my mind.” I answered.

“Aren’t you still worried about your mental health?” asked Joy.

“Not so much. I’ve decided I’m just playing the role the world wants me to play. And in the process, I get to explore the world from a different perspective. It seems a little ironic, the world wants most transgender people to play as their birth gender, but it seems to prefer me playing a girl. ” I answered.

“Does this mean you don’t want to be a girl?” Joy asked.

“I’ve never wanted to be a girl or a boy for that matter. I just want to be me, to develop my own interests and talents. Gender labeling is just an obstacle.” I declared.

“I like being a girl! And I like you as my sister. And you make a really good girl!” exclaimed Joy.

“I like how people treat me when they think I am a girl. It’s a lot nicer than how they shun me when they think I am a boy. But I don’t think that equates to wanting to be a girl.” I replied.

“So, what are you going to do now?” asked Joy.

“Go to Saint Katherine’s and get educated, and hopefully have a lot of fun along the way. I hope to blend in, but if I am outed, which I probably will be, I will just play my transgender card.” I told Joy.

“I’ll be at your side, whatever happens!” exclaimed Joy.

“It will be a great adventure!” I stated.

“Especially doing it together!” exclaimed Joy.