Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 4

Alice Peters

I slept somewhat fitfully that night. A few bizarre dreams had overtaken me. In one of them Sam and I were getting married though she was the groom and I was the bride. That dream in particular woke me up and I stared into the darkness for a few minutes before realizing that all was well and drifted back into dreamland.

Sunday morning I awoke quite refreshed. I looked at the clock on my night stand and it read 10:00 AM. That couldn’t be right, could it? I’d never slept for twelve hours in a row before. Well, not since I was a little kid anyway. I made my way to the bathroom and took care of business. That finished, I splashed some water on my face, ran my hands through my hair and went back to my room to put some clothes on. Mission accomplished I made my way downstairs to the sound of voices coming from the kitchen.

"Oh John," my mother’s best friend in the world, Alice Peters exclaimed. "You look so pretty!" Both she and my mother burst into giggles as I shook my head trying to figure out what they were going on about. Suddenly, I remembered. The earrings! Sam’s mother stopped laughing and finally said that they did indeed look quite nice and asked me if I was happy with my decision to get them. My decision, I thought briefly? I looked over to my mother for help but she just stared off into space.

I knew Mom must have informed her before I ever entered the kitchen as the tiny gold bullet shaped studs hardly made any kind of statement. "I’m quite fond of them, thank you, Mrs. Peters." She didn’t know what to make of my reply and decided to leave the matter alone. I had never called Aunt Alice "Mrs. Peters" before in my life. Since I first learned how to talk she had always been "Aunt Alice" to me. With the way I was feeling about Sam, I wasn’t sure calling her "Aunt" was still appropriate. I’m not sure if she gathered the double meaning of my reply, but the twinkle in her eyes told me that she suspected something was going on.

"I understand you and Sam had quite a wonderful time at the beach yesterday?" Again I looked at her carefully trying to gauge the seriousness of her remark. The way Sam had left me I wasn’t sure whether she’d had a good time at all. Aunt Alice’s comment, I decided at last, was sincere and I told her we did indeed have a great time. Anxious to make my departure, I rummaged through the cabinets for a bowl . I grabbed a box of cereal from the shelf, filled the bowl, splashed some milk on it, grabbed a spoon and made my way into the backyard to sit at the picnic table, to eat in peace, and to ponder the events of the last few days.

It seemed all of a sudden everyone was calling me " Joan." Sure, it had happened at various times throughout my life but these last few days it seemed like a constant barrage. I wasn’t really sure how to deal with it. In the past I’d just laugh it off and that seemed to calm things down. Somehow, I didn’t think that was going to work this time. In any event, as I thought over all the things that had happened yesterday, I was pretty sure that being called "Joan" was the least of my problems. Sam was acting very strange and so was my mother. Perhaps they’d been drinking from the same tainted well?

I was pretty sure that Mom’s actions were tied to cousin Melissa’s upcoming wedding. In a way, I understood her feelings yet in another way I felt rejected. She didn’t love me for who I was. I knew I was being silly thinking such thoughts, still I have to admit, it bothered me a bit. And San’s insistence on calling me Joan, asking me if I loved her and then. sucking on my nipple! What the hell was going on?

I sat at the table and started shoveling now soggy cereal into my mouth. Shandy ran to and fro in search of some invisible enemy. I called her over and she came running, wagging her tail behind her. She put her front paws up on the bench and began nuzzling my side with her snout. Long ago Shandy figured that whatever I was eating had to be better than her dog food and she sensed an opportunity with just the two of us together and no one to stop her from eating out of my bowl. I looked into her big brown sad eyes, gave her a kiss and placed my bowl on the grass beneath. Her tail started oscillating wildly in anticipation. She licked the bowl clean, I picked it up and stared at it for a moment, scratched Shandy’s head while murmuring "good girl" at her and thought about what to do next.

I couldn’t just sit trapped in the back yard all day. I could still see Mom and Aunt Alice through the kitchen window and it didn’t look like they’d be leaving any time soon. I picked up my bowl and spoon and headed back into the kitchen. "Did the dog enjoy your breakfast?" Mom asked.. I made no reply and went to the sink to rinse out my bowl. She didn’t seem mad, so I wasn’t going to push my luck.

Having rinsed out my bowl and placed it carefully in the dishwasher, I headed for the hallway and a safe escape. Just as I got to the doorway I was stopped by Mrs. Peter’s voice. "John, could you do me a favor?" I stood there waiting expectantly for her to continue.

"John" my mother admonished "that’s no way to treat our guest." What Mom meant was, I was supposed to reply "Of course!" without waiting to find out just what said request entailed.

"Of course, I’d be more than happy to Aunt Alice. How can I help?" Mom looked at me and nodded approvingly.

"Well John, I’ve been wanting Sam to get her ears pierced for the longest time. She’d always throw a tantrum and insist that only girls did that. Now seeing as you, a boy, have your ears pierced perhaps you can convince her that it’s OK to have it done?"

On the surface, her request seemed reasonable. I still wasn’t sure just how I was going to explain wearing earrings to Sam myself. I stood there staring at the both of them not sure what to say. I noticed a playful look dancing about Aunt Alice’s face as she waited for my response.

"Ahh Aunt Alice, I’m not sure it will do any good, but I’ll certainly give it a try." That seemed to satisfy the both of them and Mom nodded that I was indeed dismissed.

I headed again for the hallway and I heard Aunt Alice say "Looks like you win this round, Joan," Hearing "my" name I headed back into the kitchen. The ladies broke into giggles as my mother informed me that Mrs. Peters was talking to her. My face went crimson as I turned around and headed back to the sanctuary that was my room.

I sat on my bed once again lost in thought. At last I decided to give Sam a call and see if she wanted to do anything. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. She answered on the first ring. "Sam?" I inquired.

"What’s up Joan?" came her reply. I sighed inaudibly thinking if I was going to end this "Joan" business, I’d have to do it soon. Still, I knew the phone wasn’t the place to do it.

"Not much. You want to do something?"

"Sure, what did you have in mind?" I had no idea what to do, so I went on the offense.

"Now wait a minute Sam, I can’t be deciding all the time what we’re going to do, can I?"

She laughed and said, "No, I guess not. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be around." With that, the phone simply went "click."

Total confusion engulfed me. How was I going to tell Sam about my earrings? I decided not to say anything in hopes that she wouldn’t even notice them. Yeah right, like that was going to happen. I remembered my Mom told me to keep turning them in my ears so that they’d heal properly and I began to twist each one in turn a bit nervously. A few minutes later I heard my mother announce "John, your friend’s here!"

"Tell her to come on up," I replied. Sam bounded the stairs like a bull moose in search of its prey. I greeted her at the top of the stairs She turned me around and nudged me into my room. She grabbed my shoulder, spun me around to face her and smiled at me.

"Joan, you look very pretty today. Did you do that for me?" Yes, I knew she was talking about the earrings but I didn’t know how to respond. I looked at her crossly and I could see that she was getting upset again. "I’m sorry John, I won’t call you Joan anymore if you hate it." Tears began forming in those perfect blue eyes.

I didn’t know why, but I just wanted to comfort her. This was all starting to get a bit overwhelming for me. "I’ll tell you what. You can call me Joan when we’re alone but when others are about you must promise to call me by my first name" She smiled at that. She now knew that I knew that she knew (ok, that struck me as funny) my middle name was "Joan." She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. For a moment I thought we were dancing. Perhaps we were, but the music was her breathing and the beat was provided by our two hearts moving in complete synchronization.

After floating about in that fashion for a few minutes, I decided that we’d better do something or Mom and/or Aunt Alice would be bounding up the stairs to see what was going on. "Sam" I whispered dreamily in her ear "we’d better do something." She was lost in the music that wasn’t there. I knew she heard it too. It made me feel all soft and warm inside but, I could feel the tension building as I imagined yet again Mom bounding up the stairs and finding Sam and I in a close embrace. I broke off contact with her and she slowly awakened from the dream. I had a huge smile on my face and suggested that we go and take a walk on the boardwalk.

Yes, we had just been yesterday, but there wasn’t a lot to do in our little seashore town and besides, who could ask for anything more? She leaned forward and whispered in my ear "Whatever you want to do sweetheart is fine with me." I so wanted to ask her about the walk home yesterday. Why had she refused my hand as we walked and later my company for the evening. Somehow, none of that seemed important anymore. We made our way downstairs and I decided we’d better go and inform our mothers of our plans before heading out. We walked into the kitchen and were greeted by the smiling police. Such perfect teeth on two middle aged ladies. Sam waited for me to speak first figuring that I’d have an easier time of it. I opened my mouth to speak, when suddenly Aunt Alice said "Don’t John’s earrings look exquisite darling?" Sam wasn’t about to get drawn into this conversation and simply shrugged her shoulders. Aunt Alice decided to use discretion and made no further comments about my ears. Perhaps just leaving a note would have been a better idea. At that point I informed them that Sam and I were going for a walk on the beach. The ladies just smiled at us as we said our goodbyes.

We left the house and headed back to the boardwalk. To prove a point, I reached for Sam’s hand as we traversed the pavement. She looked at me, smiled, and grasped my hand tightly as we headed off towards our goal. I almost felt stupid doing it, but I couldn’t help smiling. Just holding her hand, I felt completely connected to the universe. "Sam, I promised your mother I’d ask you something."

She looked at me curiously "What?" was all she said.

"Well, she wanted me to convince you that it was OK to get your ears pierced."

"Why?" she replied.

"Well, every time she asked you, she said you’d throw a tantrum and tell her that only girls do that. Since I’m a boy and my ears are indeed pierced, she figured you might relent and get it done."

"My darling Joan" she said "Some boys may indeed get their ears pierced, but I’m not one of them." Well, I figured it would turn out like this. In fact, I thought her reaction would be a lot worse. Besides, in some strange way I was glad that my ears were pierced and that hers weren’t.

Having fulfilled my obligation to Aunt Alice, I decided to focus on my surroundings. Suddenly I remembered that I was holding my beloved’s hand and decided to send her a message via squeezes. I squeezed her hand tightly three times in rapid succession and turned to look at her to see if she could figure out my message. She simply looked at me and smiled and repeated the procedure that I had performed just moments before. "Do you know what I said to you in hand language?" I asked her.

She laughed out loud as she replied "Yes, I love you too Joan" I started to wonder whether this was all just a dream. Two days earlier we’d been playing baseball and she was proving to me as always how much better she was than me.

I felt a strange sense of power as our relationship was redefined. I was no longer "John" her erstwhile inept friend. I was "Joan" hmmmm? Hang on a second. I was who? You see, I found this all very confusing. She squeezed my hand three times rapidly in succession yet again, but this time I knew the message wasn’t "I love you" but rather "it’s all right." It was like I was meeting her for the first time in a lot of ways. She pulled my hand and spun me around right there in the middle of Webster Ave. She pulled me close and once again wrapped her arms around me. I couldn’t help noticing those that passed us. Some were smiling, some were oblivious, and some shook their heads in disgust at such a public display of affection. The last comment I heard before Sam grasped my head in both her hands and kissed me was "Get a room!" That from an elderly couple on their way to the boardwalk Sam released me, and my head in a whirl, I followed her lead as best I could. We made our way up the ramp and onto the boards.

"Which way?" I asked. Without answering she pulled me towards the route we had taken yesterday. Perhaps there was a downside to hand holding that I hadn’t considered? Rather than respond to my question, I was simply pulled along as one would a toy on a string. I considered this for a moment, and decided that I’d gladly follow her anywhere she wanted to go.

As we passed a wheel of chance I pulled at Sam’s hand motioning her to stop. "Good morning girls. Place your bets, all bets down, no more bets." Girls? Did he say girls? Sam started giggling and reached up and twisted one of my earrings. Pierced ears do not a girl make, I thought to myself. Sam continued to laugh as the wheel began spinning. I had placed my quarter over number 2. I had never played one of the wheels that offered stuffed animals as prizes before. Sam began squeezing my hand and shouting with glee as the wheel slowed to a stop showing number two a winner. The barker began shouting "we have a winner!" in an attempt to draw a crowd. "what would you like, Miss?" he asked. Sam continued laughing as I stood there, my face turning beet red. In exasperation I simply pointed at the black and white teddy bear in the front row. The operator removed it with great fanfare and announced again for all to hear that…"we have a winner!" I grabbed poor teddy and we made our way down the boardwalk, Sam still laughing uncontrollably.

She finally stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "Joan, he thought you were a girl!" I was beginning to regret ever having stopped to play the damned wheel.

"I do not look like a girl!" I exclaimed.

She eyed me carefully and said "Oh, I don’t know? I think your earrings just made the obvious more clear." What was she talking about? I’d been staring at my own mug every morning in the mirror for my entire life and nothing reflected in the glass ever said "girl" to me. She looked at me cradling the stuffed bear in my left arm and said. "What shall we name him then?"

Not in the mood to play "name games" I simply replied "Teddy." She thought this was very funny and laughed insanely as we continued down the boardwalk.

"Do you think your Teddy is hungry?" She asked. By this time I’d had enough and headed for the nearest trash can. They were dispersed strategically throughout the boardwalk "Oh no Joan! Don’t you dare throw him away!" She grabbed him just as I’d released him into the bin. I had wanted the bear for her. A gift to show her how I felt. She seemed to think it would be more appropriate for me to have it.

At last I told her; "Sam, I got this for you."

"For me?" What on earth would I do with a stuffed animal.?" I began walking away from her. Finally she followed holding the bear by one arm as a three year old might carry it. She caught up with me and said "Thank you Joan, that was very sweet of you, but really, I want you to have it." If she thought she had no use for a teddy bear, then what did she think I’d want with it? This was all getting too damned complicated!

She looked at me hopefully, held out the toy in a gesture of peace and waited for me to accept it. Not knowing what else to do, I took it from her and held it with proper respect cradled in my right arm. "Next time, I will win one for you,." she said. I could imagine the look on my mother’s face when I walked through the door carrying a teddy bear. I just shook my head in response and reached for her right hand with my left. She accepted it and we walked on.

"Are you hungry?" she asked. "It’s my turn to buy us lunch."

"Not right now Sam," was all I could think to say.

"Well, you’ll have to forgive me then, cause I’m famished!" She dragged me off to the hot dog vendor on the corner where you could still get a hot dog and a drink for $2.00. She devoured it with relish both literally and figuratively. I had no idea that a hot dog could be eaten so quickly.

"You should enter the fourth of July eating contest " I told her. She seemed to consider this for a moment before replying.

"Nah, I have to be in the mood to enjoy a hot dog." Having said that she ordered another. She still had her drink from the first one untouched and offered me the second one. I accepted it gratefully. I hadn’t had anything to drink other than the bit of milk soaked cereal.

I drank the soda down in one continuous gulp as Sam watched me. She nibbled slowly on her hot dog this time. "You must have been thirsty." Not feeling that a response was required, I nodded my head in agreement.

"You want to play some ski ball?" I asked her.

"Lets just go for a walk on the beach" she said while smiling furtively at me. I began to wonder whether I was to be "dessert" after she had eaten her lunch. We approached the entry way to the beach and removed our sneakers before descending the ramp to the sand below. Not waiting for me to ask her "which way?" she pulled me towards the same destination as yesterday. Once again we walked on the beach with a wave gently caressing our feet on occasion. I tried to spin her towards me as we walked under the pier and steal a kiss. She would have none of it and continued walking.

At last we reached our somewhat secluded spot. No one was about and to the west nothing but sand dunes and hurricane fencing. She smiled at me and pulled me down. That was her subtle way of beckoning me to sit beside her. I sat with Teddy still cradled in my right arm. She grabbed him away. Took each of his tiny arms in one of her own and began making him dance in front of us. The bear looked a bit silly with his button eyes dancing about but not as silly as Sam did making him do so. "How do you like your new owner?" she asked the bear. It seemed to stare at her plaintively till finally she lifted it’s mouth up next to her ear. "Really?" was all she said as if the bear had communicated some secret to her. I laughed and playfully punched her in the arm. She looked at me as if trying to decide whether or not to return the favor. At last she simply said "Be careful when you hit me, Joan." I wasn’t sure if she was having me on or being serious so I simply nodded in assent.

We sat there staring out to sea. It was a perfectly clear day. On the far horizon we could see a few freighters and wondered aloud as to their destination. Suddenly Sam pulled a small cylindrical tube out of her pants pocket. I recognized it as being lipstick. "What’s this?" I asked her.

"Well, if we’re going to be kissing properly, one of us should be wearing lipstick." With that she pulled a small circular device out of her pocket too. I also recognized this as being a lady’s compact and knew that upon opening it there would be a tiny mirror contained within. She held one item in each hand, looked at me and said "Well?" I thought it might be sexy kissing a girl with red lips. I’d never done such a thing before. Sam looked at me and smiled. "I’m glad you approve." She said. I did indeed approve and waited silently for her to open the containers and apply the contents. After a moment she grabbed my hands and placed the items firmly in my grasp.

"What???" I replied in a rather confused state.

"You didn’t think I was going to wear that, did you?" she asked. Now I really was at a loss. Apparently she had brought these items along for me to use.

"Surely you don’t expect me to wear that, do you?" I asked her.

She smiled again and said "It was all right a moment ago when you sat there waiting for me to put it on, wasn’t it?"

There was a certain twisted logic to her reply. Something was definitely wrong but for the moment I couldn’t think of what it was as I stared deep into her eyes. She said at length "Give the tube to me". I did so feeling a huge sense of relief. My relief was short lived however, as she took off the cap, twisted out the base and told me to "pucker up." Was I going to let her emasculate me in this way? "You do want to kiss me?" She asked in a serious voice. My head bobbed up and down and she replied "Good, now hold still." I sat there and let her apply the bright red waxy substance to my lips. As far as I could tell, the tube had never been used before. "Yes Joan, it’s new. My Mom got it for me at Christmas time hoping that I’d give in and use it." I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to notice that it has been opened and applied when she performs her next surreptitious inspection of my bedroom.

Having completed her task, she handed me the small mirror so I could view myself. I thanked her but declined the opportunity. She stared deep into my hazel eyes and said "you really are quite beautiful, Joan." I melted at her gaze.

Certain in my heart that it was the wrong response, I still replied. "Thanks, Sam." With that she lunged for my now ruby red lips and kissed me. I kissed her in return, not sure of the kaleidoscope of feelings that soared through me. Having applied a tiny amount of the red substance via our kiss, her tongue began to explore my mouth. I was lost in the moment and this time, found myself sprawled across her lap with her arms wrapped round me as her tongue probed deeper and deeper. If there was a heaven, I could only hope it was half as good as this.

"I love you Joan, you know that don’t you?" she whispered.

"Yes!" I whispered in return. She kissed me again and prodded me.

"Say it then." She demanded.

"I love you Sam." It all felt so right, yet something still seemed wrong. At the moment, I wasn’t even really sure what it was. Eventually, we stopped and stared back out to sea. Sam held me in her embrace and I felt safer than I’d ever felt in my life.

"You’d better fix your lipstick, girl" she said to me. Almost as in a trance, I took the proffered items and began my task. I did want to look pretty for Sam. I tentatively opened the mirror and then the tube, twisting it till lipstick poked through the opening. I glanced over at Sam, she was watching me in awe as I slowly applied a fresh coat of color to my lips. "You do realize" she said when I’d finished "you did that like you’d been doing it all your life." I smiled at her and reached for her one more time. She pushed me away and said "No, Joan, I don’t want to mess up your lips." I took the tiny mirror and held it far enough away from myself so I could see my entire face within. I had to admit, I did look pretty. This made me happy, embarrassed and ashamed all at once. Boys weren’t supposed to be "pretty." "Relax Joan" she cooed sensing my ambivalence.

She took her hand and brushed my bangs back away from my eyes. Suddenly I forgot what I was upset about and smiled at her beatific face. I went to return the makeup items to her but she insisted that I keep them. For some strange reason, that made me very happy. I placed both items in my front pocket and remembered that it was past time to "twist" my earrings. Sam looked at me and said "Here, let me do that for you." She gently rotated each post in an almost sensual manner. After a few minutes she said "Come on, it’s time to go." I felt like pouting. Did we have to go already? Had I been standing, I’m sure I would have stomped my foot in protest.

She stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me into an upright position. :"Let’s go girl" she said.

"Sam", I whined, "Do you have to keep calling me girl?" She thought about it for a moment as we walked.

"You don’t really mind, do you Joan?" I looked up at her and responded

"No, Sam, I don’t." With that she broke into a huge grin and we made our way back to the boardwalk. I clutched Teddy safely in my right arm, my left hand entwined in Sam’s and we continued our trek with our arms swinging to and fro.

A few teenage boys up ahead playing in the surf noticed us and commented "aww, look at the girls holding hands like lovers" Sam just smiled and kept pace. My mind reeled wondering why those two had thought we were two girls. I quickly remembered the earrings and thought that was the reason. Then I remembered the lipstick. Sam laughed knowingly. She twisted me around till I was caught in her firm embrace and began kissing me till all traces of lip color disappeared. The two young men who had been watching us must have been creaming their jeans. They stood there mouths agape not making a sound.

At some point Sam stopped and said to me "You feel better now baby?" Indeed I did as we once again began our trek homeward. The trip home was a blur. The only thing I remembered was that this time Sam hadn’t released my hand along the way. We reached my front door and Sam held me close, but only for a moment. "I’ll see you in the morning sunshine," she said as she kissed both of my eyes softly and tenderly. I smiled up at her and made my way inside with Teddy safely in tow………

Chapter 5

Home Again

I realized as I walked through the front door that I was holding a Teddy Bear! I began making a bee line for the stairs when my mother’s voice stopped me dead in my tracks. "Is that you John?"

"Yes, Mom, it’s only me!"

"Come here right now!" she commanded.

Thinking quickly and wanting to get "teddy" safely hidden in my room before encountering her I replied "I’ll be right with you Mom. I really have to go to the bathroom."

"I said NOW!" Not sure whether I should simply leave the stupid bear on the stairs or proceed down the hall and into the kitchen, I began walking towards her voice. "Do you have any idea what time it is?" she asked.

"Errr, no Mom, sorry, I don’t!" I had lost total track of time that day. Her question had me looking out the window where I noticed that signs of daylight were quickly fading away.

"It’s 7:00 PM!" she shouted at me. "You had me worried sick young man." Oh no, back to the "young man" stuff again.

Well, at least she wasn’t calling me "young lady." I laughed aloud at my thoughts. She looked at me for the first time and asked "Is something funny? And what’s that you’re holding there?"

Looking down at my shoes I replied "No, Mom, nothing’s funny. And this? It’s a teddy bear."

"I know what it is, just what the heck are you doing with it?" I looked down protectively at the bear in my arms and thought carefully before responding. I found myself quite fond of teddy and was afraid that if I said the wrong thing it would be confiscated and thrown away.

"Well Mom" I began "you see Sam and I were walking on the boardwalk…" my voice drifted off into silence. She stood there staring at me

"And?" she inquired.

"And I found myself playing the game and winning on the first try. I wanted to win something for Sam. I guess she forgot to take it home." I looked at her, my eyes pleading. I could tell that she half-believed me.

"Well, you’d better not let your father see that thing. It’s going to be hard enough trying to explain away your earrings."

My earrings? I considered reminding her that the ear thing had been all her idea, but I simply replied "Yes Mom. May I go now? I really need the bathroom!" I implored.

"Go ahead. Put that "thing" away and get washed up for dinner. We’ll be eating as soon as your father gets back. By the way, he’s not going to be in a good mood as he’s out looking for you this very minute." I wasn’t sure why there was all this concern about my safety all of a sudden. This wasn’t the first time that I’d arrived home after 7:00 PM. The world was indeed going "topsy turvy."

I made my way to the stairs carrying teddy as nonchalantly as I could. I walked into my room and tried to decide just where to place my new possession. At last I placed him atop my pillow leaning back on the headboard. His tiny face smiled at me and his eyes seemed to suggest that we were sharing a secret. I made my way into the bathroom, took care of business and instead of simply splashing some water on my face and washing my hands, I decided that I’d better inspect my face more carefully from here on out. My hands reached up and I began twisting the earrings once again. On close inspection I could see traces of red around my lips. I was grateful that Mom hadn’t looked at me more closely, but rather seemed to be preoccupied with teddy. Thank you teddy, I thought to myself and smiled. Then I remembered the compact and lipstick still in my pocket. Where to put them? There was no hiding anything in my room. Mom was intimately familiar with every square inch of my bedroom. At last, I decided on my backpack. I opened the small, secret, zippered compartment inside and placed the items in. I reasoned that even if Mom did find them, I could tell her I was holding them for some girl who was afraid of getting caught with makeup on school grounds. That done, I made my way downstairs.

It was now 7:30 and Dad still hadn’t returned. I begged Mom to let me go in search of him but she simply told me that I was in enough trouble already. At last the screen door opened and my father’s voice greeted me "Ahh, you’re here." Upon seeing me sitting there he glanced briefly in my direction as if trying to decide whether or not to start screaming at me. Finally he simply said "Good, let’s eat." I was relieved on several levels. First and foremost, he hadn’t gone off on me about having been out without knowing my whereabouts. And more importantly, he hadn’t said a thing about my ears. Had Mom informed him already?

Thankfully, Mom had set the table and we sat down to eat. Pork chops. Ugh! Mom knew I hated them. She looked at me and smiled as if daring me to complain. I hadn’t eaten anything all day but a bit of soggy cereal that morning. I was starving. "Would you like some applesauce, Joan?" she said to me.

"Joan, who’s Joan? Or are you talking to yourself again dear?" my father asked her. Mom laughed and asked Dad whether he had forgotten that my middle name was indeed Joan. Dad simply looked at her as if she’d lost her mind and continued eating. As hungry as I was I simply couldn’t stomach pork chops. Mom looked at me sympathetically, but simply focused on the food in front of her. I sat there and slowly played with the food on my plate wishing that the dog would appear by my side so I could feed her surreptitiously under the table.

Smuggling as much of the foul tasting meat as I could into my napkin I asked if I might be excused. "Let me see your plate dear?" Had Mom forgotten that I wasn’t a baby anymore? With the potatoes and broccoli gone and just a few mangled bits of meat remaining she said "very well, you’re excused." I stood up, took my plates and headed into the kitchen. I dumped the contents of the napkin into Shandy’s bowl and proceeded to rinse off my plate before placing it in the dishwasher.

I then began my job of tidying up the kitchen. I was certain that Mom would be pleased that she hadn’t had to remind me one more time to do my job. Thankfully, there wasn’t anything left over so I wouldn’t have to dig the plastic storage containers out of the cupboards. I scrubbed out the pots and pans, dried them and put them away. At last I asked Mom if I could take my leave as I had some homework assignments to finish. Mom simply said "Of course dear" and Dad nodded in agreement. I practically ran out of the room before Dad noticed my ears. If he had noticed, at least he hadn’t said anything.
Up in the safety of my room I looked at teddy sitting on my bed. Remembering Sam’s question to me that afternoon, I wondered whether I should have saved some pork chop for poor teddy. "Are you hungry teddy?" My mind asked the stuffed toy silently . For some reason this struck me as funny and I started giggling. An outsider viewing this scene would have thought me in need of medication.

I turned on my desk lamp, sat down and found myself staring off into space. What was Sam doing at this very moment, I wondered? I shook my head in an attempt to clear it and focus on studying for tomorrow’s history exam. This would be Mrs. Stratford’s last test of the year. Thankfully, there would be no final exam. I had her class in the morning and Sam had her right after lunch. For some strange reason I was determined to do more than just "pass" this time. It was after 10:00 PM when Mom told me it was time to turn out the lights and go to bed.

"But Mom! I still need to go over the material a bit more. This is the last test of the year and I want to do my best." She looked over at the open history book on my desk. She didn’t know what to say. I had never before asked to stay up late to study

She eyed me intently, not sure just what was "really" going on and said "all right, you’ve got till 11 o’clock. But when I come back your light had better be off and you’d better be fast asleep."

I so wanted to tell her about me and Sam, but I simply replied "thanks Mom." and she exited my room closing the door softly behind her.

Knowing that Mrs. Stratford was big on dates, I went over my list again. I continued on in this fashion until looking at the clock on my night stand, I noticed that it was now 11:15. Damn! I exclaimed hoping that I could get ready for bed before Mom reappeared. I made my way carefully into the hallway. Crept silently into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, twisted my earrings and headed back to my room. Thankfully, I had a clean pair of pajamas in my drawer. I put them on quickly and turned out the lights. Within minutes Mom appeared. I heard her enter and say "Good night Joan sweetheart" in a soft voice before making her exit.

I lay in bed and found myself snuggling teddy. I held him close remembering the afternoon on the beach with Sam. I found myself wondering what the bear had said to Sam to make her reply "Really?" and smiled to myself. I wasn’t that far gone. With teddy held tightly in my arms, I drifted off to sleep.

At 7:00 AM sharp, the alarm began screaming at me. I felt as though I’d just closed my eyes moments before. Upon opening my eyes I noticed that I was hugging a stuffed animal. For a moment I was at a loss but quickly remembered. "Good Morning ‘Teddy" I said to the inanimate object. I kissed him gently on the cheek and placed him carefully on my chair before making my bed. The bed made, I centered him atop my pillow. I ran to the bath and took one of the shortest showers in recorded history. I combed my hair in my usual careless manner, twisted the earrings yet again, and made my way to my room to dress for school.

By seven thirty I was ready to go. Asking where Dad was this morning, Mom informed me that he had an early day and had been on the road at 6 AM. I thought perhaps that Dad was overdoing it, but what did I know? Mom gave me a brief inspection and said "you look lovely Joan, I hope you do well on your test." At some point, I was going to have to have a talk with her about all this "Joan" nonsense but now was not the time.

A few minutes later Sam appeared at the front door screaming "Hey Joan, are you ready?" Mom, having heard her simply smiled at me. I shook my head yet again to clear it, grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.

"So, are you ready for Mrs. Stratford’s history exam?" She asked.

"Oh no!" I replied a bit cheekily "Is that today?" She looked at me wondering whether or not I was serious. I started laughing and she punched my shoulder playfully.. "Gotcha!" I said to her.

"Ok, who won the war of 1719?" She asked. My forehead broke out in sweat as I tried to remember the battle she was asking about. She saw the look of worry on my face and started laughing. "Gotcha!" she exclaimed. It was my turn to punch her on the shoulder but I was reluctant to do so. She waited for it expectantly and finally realized why I was being hesitant. "It’s all right Joan, go ahead" I stared briefly into her eyes and gave a very playful delicate "punch" to her left shoulder as we continued on our journey.

"Sam?" I asked her dolefully.

"Yes, Joan?" she replied.

"Please don’t call me Joan while we’re in school"

"All right Joan, I won’t" I sighed not sure whether she understood just how important this was to me.

"Sam!" I exclaimed. She simply laughed in reply. We made our way to school and arrived just as the busses were pulling up. We began talking about the events of the weekend, when Billy and Jimmy came steadily toward us.

"Wow you should have been there!" Billy said.

"Been where?" I replied knowing full well what he was talking about.

"The Game!" said Jim now standing directly beside Billy.

"It sounds like you two had a great time," Sam interjected.

"You don’t know the half of it" responded Billy. With that, the bell rang meaning we’d have access to the hallways and more importantly, our lockers. I smiled at Sam and bade Billy and Jim farewell for now.

"See you guys at lunch." I said as I made my way to homeroom. Taking my seat for attendance, I opened my backpack and grabbed my history notebook hoping for a few more moments to review my notes in silence.

"Hey Look!" someone shouted "John’s got his ears pierced!" Walter Windom, never one of my favorites, made the observation. A few of the girls murmured among themselves and some giggles ensued. I tuned them out and focused on my notes.

"Mr. Johnson?" .. "Mr. Johnson?" Finally, I realized that Mrs. Pembroke was taking attendance and responded appropriately, "here."

At last the bell rang and we all exited quickly each of us heading off in different directions. I made my way to Mrs. Stratford’s class and took my seat. Moments later, with the entire class seated, Mrs. Stratford entered the room. "I hope you’re all ready for your exam today?" she asked.

"Exam?.. I thought it was just a test,?" I found myself saying aloud.

"Yes indeed, Mr. Johnson, it is "merely" as you put it, a "test". However, since this is your last test of the year, I thought a bit more weight might be implied." She shook her head and began counting the number of students in each row. Tests were distributed and we were told not to do anything until told to do so. "Class" she said. "The test is half multiple choice and half essay. You all have the same questions however the order has been rearranged to discourage cheating." We’d all heard this particular speech a thousand times before and waited for her to announce that it was time to begin. "You have one hour to complete the test. When you are finished, please bring your papers up to my desk. At that point you may do whatever you wish quietly at your seats. Begin!" she said.

I looked at the first few questions. My mind was drawing a blank. I found myself staring out the window in hopes that history lessons would find their way back into my head. I took a deep breath and forced myself to relax reminding myself that my performance on this test was only the difference between an "A" and a "B" not passing or failing. Still, I was determined to beat Sam on this one and that gave a special edge to the proceeding. Looking back at the questions, the answers seemed to come out of nowhere. I finished the multiple choice section in record time and found myself writing furiously as I answered the essay questions. With ten minutes remaining, I was finished. I felt no need to review my work and simply walked up to Mrs. Stratford’s desk and placed the completed test in her waiting hands. She smiled at me and commented quietly "I like your earrings, John" I nodded thank you and made my way back to my desk waiting for the bell to ring.

The rest of the morning passed quickly and soon the lunch bell sounded. I made my way to the cafeteria to see my friends. Billy and Jim were already seated when I cam upon our table. Sam had yet to arrive. I hadn’t even seated myself before Billy began ranting "honest John, you should have been there!" Honest John?.. hmmm that had a nice ring to it.. oh!.. the baseball game… "There’s something different about him" Billy mused when Jim cut in "He’s wearing earrings!" They both laughed as if they’d made a joke. At that moment Sam arrived and seated herself at the table.

"Good Morning gentlemen" she imparted with a brief glance at me.

"Sam? Did you notice?.. John’s wearing earrings!" Jim said once again as if everyone in the world were blind but him.

Sam smiled at him sweetly and said "Yes Jim, I know." This was most likely, the wrong response as Billy and Jim started making a much larger issue of it than was required.

"Sam and Johnny sitting in a tree" Jim sang. How original I thought to myself.

Sam quickly gained control of the table informing Billy and Jim that if they had a problem with my earrings that she’d be happy to hear about it.

Billy eyed me suspiciously and said at last "your girlfriend’s going to beat us up then if we continue, Joan?" At this both Bill and Jim burst into laughter. Sam eyed them both warily and I was indeed afraid that she would tar the living daylights out of both of them.

"Guys Guys! Calm down," I begged with a sharp look in Sam’s direction. The precursor to a war they couldn’t win evaporated before their eyes.

At length, Bill began talking about the game. "John, you should have been there! I got Don Mac Dougal’s signature on this baseball!" He held it up proudly in his hand for my inspection.

"Donnie Mac" laughed Sam. "He isn’t going anywhere!" Her remark simply meant that in her opinion Donnie would never made it to the major leagues. Bill and Jim stared at her in disbelief.

"What do you know about it?" Bill said.

"I simply know that he hasn’t got the goods" Sam replied. I attempted to intervene and bring the topic back to more mundane issues like Mrs. Stratford’s history exam. Neither Bill nor Sam would have any of it.

Finally, Bill exploded "I know you don’t know jack shyte about baseball" he almost screamed. Sam looked at him smiling, her eyes dancing about.

"I’ll tell you what Billy boy. I’ll bet you five dollars that I can strike your silly ass out on three pitches." I wasn’t sure what to make of Sam’s challenge. Bill was the starting third baseman for the school team. I could see a flash of remembrance cross his eyes as he recalled the time she had bested him at arm wrestling.

Still, he provided with much bravado… "Where and when?"

"This afternoon at 4 o’clock at Forbes field." she replied. We had but moments remaining in our lunch period but Sam asked me how I’d enjoyed Mrs. Stratford’s test.

I laughingly replied, "you’ll find out soon enough."

The afternoon passed uneventfully . The final bell rang and I found myself waiting outside on the sidewalk for Sam to appear. She didn’t keep me waiting. As we walked home instead of discussing events of the day she talked about how she was going to strike out Bill on just three pitches. We made it home in record time. "You’ve got five minutes to change" she shouted as we came upon our block. She opened her front door and disappeared inside I found myself wishing that this entire episode would just "go away/" That wasn’t going to happen, I knew, and I quickly made my way across the street. I opened my front door quickly and ran up to my bedroom to change. I knew I had only minutes before Sam would appear at my front door urging me on. I tied my sneakers tightly and made my way back down the stairs.

I stood at the front door waiting for Sam to appear. "Have you got your catcher’s mitt?" she asked. I gave her a "Duh" and pointed to my left hand. She smiled at me and we headed off to Forbes Field. "OK Joan, I’m going to make short work of that bastard."

"Do we have to do this Sam?" I begged. She shook her head at me in disgust and kept on walking. We arrived at the field about ten minutes early. Sam suggested we use the time productively and strode out to the mound. She motioned me to take position behind home plate. She began throwing easily at first, slowly building up momentum. It wasn’t long before Billy and Jim arrived each carrying a glove and a bat. As they arrived Sam threw her "change-up." Seeing it, Billy laughed aloud saying that this was going to be easy.

"Sam, Jim, Billy do we have to do this?" I implored.

"Shut up Joan and just catch the ball" This from Billy. Jim, who was standing next to him began laughing.

"Who the hell do you think you’re talking to Billy Goat?" I asked.

"You heard him Joan" Sam said. "Just shut up and catch the ball." I stood up, looked at the three of them as tears began slowly rolling down my cheeks. I shook my head from side to side, took off my catcher’s mitt and threw it on the ground in front of me. Without a word, I walked off the field. I had a faint hope that Sam would follow me. She didn’t. She just said "It’s OK, we don’t need her, Jim can catch." Hearing Sam refer to me as "her" was like a knife wound to the heart. The tears flowed faster and I began running. I didn’t stop till I reached my front door. I sat down on the front steps sobbing uncontrollably. Shandy sensing my presence from the backyard began "woofing" noisily. Not wanting to encounter my mother I made my way around the side of the house and entered the backyard through the gate. Shandy, it seemed to me, could sense my sadness.

I walked over and sat down at the picnic table. I put my hands on the table and then my head down on my hands and continued crying. Shandy came over and looked up at me hopefully with her tail wagging. I tried to pull myself together, but it just wasn’t working. The dog gave up and sat by my side and began whimpering softly as if she knew just how miserable I felt. My body wracked with heaving sobs as I sat there shaking uncontrollably. At some point, I fell asleep.

"Is that you John? What are you doing? Is everything all right?" My mother’s voice assaulted me with questions in rapid succession. I looked up and saw her questioning me from the kitchen window.

"Yes Mom, it’s me, I’m fine and I guess I was just a bit tired. I fell asleep."

"Well, come in here, I have something to tell you." I slowly lifted myself from the table. I felt as though I were walking through water as I made my way to the back door. I gritted my teeth, determined not to show my pain to Mom.

"Sweetheart! Your Aunt Alice is going out this evening and Sam’s going to be having dinner with us. Isn’t that great?" I couldn’t imagine anything worse at the moment and stood there with my jaw hanging open. "Where is Sam? Isn’t she with you?"

I was on the verge of tears once again but managed to reply "No Mom, she stayed at the park to play some ball with Billy and Jim. I wasn’t in the mood, so I came home."

"Oh, all right John. Well, you can go and empty the clothes hampers and get started on a few loads of wash before dinner." Wanting to be anywhere but where I was, I made the trip upstairs and began sorting laundry. I had three baskets filled and carried the one with the whites down into the basement and put them into the machine. After adding the bleach and detergent, I made my way back upstairs. I headed quickly for my room before Mom could engage me in conversation.

I entered my room and threw myself down on the bed. I lifted my head for a moment and there was teddy smiling at me. I wanted to get my pocket knife and cut the stuffing out of him. Instead, weeping softly, I picked him up and forced him into my bottom dresser drawer. I ran back and jumped on the bed and wrapped my arms around my pillow and let the tears flow. I’d never cried so much in my life. Half an hour later, I grabbed another basket and headed back into the basement. The washer was indeed done. I removed the whites and threw them in the dryer with the setting on high heat. I finished loading the permanent press items, added detergent and started the second load of laundry.

I walked upstairs heavy footed and as I entered the kitchen Mom smiled at me and told me what a great help I was to her. I smiled wearily at her and tried to make my way back to my room. "John, come here, something’s wrong" she said. There was no hiding anything from Mom. "Sit down" she commanded. I sat at the table and she came over and brought me a cup of coffee. She grabbed one for herself from the machine on the counter and sat down opposite me. "OK John, tell me, what’s going on?"

I desperately wanted to tell her but all that came out of my mouth was "Nothing Mom, everything’s fine." She shook her head and seemed to stare right through me unsure whether she should pursue the matter or just let it drop. We sat there silently drinking our coffee. At last the buzzer from the washing machine sounded and I knew that the load was done. I pushed back my chair and arose telling Mom that I wanted to get the wash done before dinner. Back upstairs I went and brought down the third and final basket containing jeans and such. Down two flights of stairs I checked the dryer to see if the whites were done. They were still a bit damp so I shut the door and let them spin awhile longer. I removed the permanent press items and put the final load into the machine. Dad liked his dress shirts air dried so I put them on hangers while the machines clanged noisily around me. At last I removed the whites and put the next load in the dryer. The permanent press cycle was a short one. While the last load was washing and the others were drying I stood at the ironing board and folded the whites.

How could Sam have betrayed me like that? Boys, I thought silently and shook my head. Wait a minute? What was I thinking? Sam wasn’t a boy. Lost in confusion I did my best to focus on the task at hand. A short while later the dryer pinged letting me know that the permanent press cycle had completed. I knew from experience that the secret to wrinkle free clothing was to get those clothes out quickly and either on hangers or folded neatly so I worked as fast as I could. Mom liked the way I folded her delicates and told me I’d make some girl a good wife someday. She’d always laugh when I’d blush as she said it. I finished folding just as the washing machine stopped letting me know that the "normal" load was completed. This was the longest of the drying loads so, I placed the neatly folded clothes in the baskets and took them upstairs to put away.

It was shortly after 6 PM when the front door buzzer sounded. Normally I would have answered it, but I already knew who it was and I didn’t want to see her. In a way I was surprised that she had the guts to show her face over here after what had happened. She handed Mom my catcher’s mitt that I’d left at the park. "John left his mitt? I don’t believe it! Is everything all right?"

"Yes Aunt Joan, everything’s fine" I heard Sam say. I’m glad she thought so. I was so angry I wanted to scream!

"John, Sam’s here" I heard my mother’s call.

"I’m going to be awhile Mom, I have the last load of laundry to fold and put away." I replied. Sam was the last person on earth I wanted to see right now. I knew I’d have to walk past her as I made my way down the stairs. through the foyer, down the hall and into the basement. I made my way silently.

"John!" she exclaimed "You should have been there!" I ignored her comment and continued walking. "Boys" she said. At that Mom and Sam both broke into laughter.

I ran down the stairs to the basement and almost fell head first onto the concrete floor below. I grabbed the banister and stopped briefly before continuing down. I took my time folding the jeans and such before placing them back in the basket. At length, I knew I couldn’t hide down there forever and made my way up the stairs carrying the basket of clean clothes. Mom smiled at me as I moved past and Sam just ignored me as I made my way to the stairs to finish my job. Having put all the clothes away, I knew I couldn’t hide up there forever, though I did consider the possibility. I went into the bathroom and washed my face before going back downstairs. I walked into the kitchen. Mom and Sam were sitting at the table deeply engrossed in conversation. I started to make my way towards the family room to watch a bit of TV when Mom stopped me.

"John?" she asked. "I believe you have something of Sam’s?" Had Sam told her about the lipstick? My heart raced in panic. Sam looked at me and smiled. She made no effort to let me know just what was going on. I could tell from her smile that she knew exactly what Mom was on about. Oh well, I thought, at least they were back to calling me "John" again. Mom eyed me inquisitively waiting for me to figure it out. My wheel wasn’t spinning. My hamster had died. "The Teddy Bear?" Mom said at last. I issued a huge sigh of relief. At that Sam burst out laughing and Mom just looked from one of us to the other. A look of total confusion.

"Oh Yes the teddy bear!" I exclaimed Happy to have an excuse to leave their presence, I made one more trip up the stairs. I looked over on my bed and noticed that teddy wasn’t there. Now wait a minute. It’s an inanimate object after all. Just where did that damned thing get to? Then I remembered. I’d stuffed him into the bottom drawer of my dresser.

I pulled open the drawer tentatively and there was teddy staring at me with expectant eyes and a wide grin. I found myself picking him up delicately and hugging him to my chest whispering "I’m sorry" into his uncomprehending ears. The tears started again and it took me a few minutes before I could compose myself and make my way back down the stairs. Teddy and I made our way into the kitchen and I announced "Here he is." And held him up for Mom and Sam to see. Conflicting thoughts surged through me. I found myself wanting to rip teddy limb from limb though he’d done nothing wrong and wanting to hug him incessantly. I knew he’d be safer in Sam’s hands and held him out to her for her acceptance. She looked at me quizzically before responding

"Thanks for keeping him for me, John" was all she said.

A few awkward moments passed before Mom announced that Sam had picked a miserable night to come over for dinner. "You should have been her last night." Mom said. "We had pork chops. Tonight, we’re just having hamburgers and baked beans." I much preferred this evening’s menu to last night’s and made it known to a chorus of "boos!" from Mom and Sam. I almost felt like laughing and surprised myself as a chuckle escaped my mouth. "You two can set the table, we’ll be eating in a few minutes. And, since we have company we’ll eat in the dining room!" Mom loved eating in the dining room and would use any excuse to make use of her bone china. I was still beyond upset with Sam and let her know by my silence that I was annoyed with her.

At 7:30 sharp my father came bounding through the door and without any further ado announced "what’s for dinner, I’m starved!" Mom laughed at this and told him we’d be eating momentarily in the dining room as we had company. Dad looked at her quizzically, then noticed Sam (the "company") and made his way to the head of the table Having seated himself he eyed us and said "And how are my girls this evening?" I had reached my limit.

"Dad!" I screamed "Hello!, This is your SON speaking!"

He laughed as he said "Hmmm? Do sons wear earrings these days?" My face went red as I’d forgotten all about them.

"You stop that right now Bob" my mother chastised him. In the end, we all were laughing as the platter of hamburgers was passed about.

I felt as if I hadn’t had any protein in days and found myself contemplating a third burger as Mom admonished "John, don’t you think you’ve had enough?"

"Well Mom, you make such great hamburgers" I replied. At that, Mom blushed. Mom rarely allowed her heart on her sleeve, let alone her face. Sam had been relatively quiet at dinner, responding politely to questions when asked, but otherwise volunteering nothing. I was still very upset with her, but I didn’t want her to leave. Perhaps she had some explanation for her actions that I could swallow? All right, the possibility of that being the case was almost non-existent. Still, I didn’t want her to go.

We sat at the table far longer than usual that evening and I told Mom that if I was doing the dishes, I’d better get started as it was getting late. "You can skip them this evening, Joan" she said. Ahhhhhhhh shyte back to the "Joan" stuff again, I thought to myself. It figured that Mom would pick an evening where there was practically nothing to do to tell me that I could "skip it." "Why don’t you and Sam go have a talk" she suggested. Mothers, I thought to myself. They saw everything.

"Sounds like a plan Mom" I replied. With that, I motioned for Sam to follow me into the backyard. She did and moments later we found ourselves sitting at the picnic table. Shandy came running over and went straight to Sam, ignoring me. Some friend YOU are, I thought. Sam laughed as she nuzzled Shandy and pet her gently all over. She squeezed her so tightly that she yelped in pain and anticipation of more to come. I knew however, that Sam was done with her as she pet Shandy on the head for a moment before dismissing her.

"Sam" I said at last "How could you have done that to me this afternoon?" She looked about to cry, but I wasn’t feeling sympathetic towards her that evening. "Cry, if you want to," I said "It won’t help." She looked at me in a new light. As if I’d stumbled across one of her secrets. "Do you have ANY idea how much you hurt me this afternoon?"

"Well, I had some idea when you walked away leaving your mitt behind, but, I was focused on kicking Billy’s ass at that point." She replied.

"You, You, You!" I screamed incoherently. "You do realize that you confirmed the "Joan" thing with Billy and Jim and then referred to me as "her?"

"So?" she asked.

"Sam, what was the ONE thing I told you about calling me Joan?"

"That I don’t do it in public" she said "So?" she asked again. Could she really be that stupid, I wondered?

"Sam you completely emasculated me in front of those two idiots formerly known as my friends. Billy called me "Joan" and you confirmed it. But, that wasn’t enough! You had to add the "her" icing on the cake, didn’t you?"

"Don’t you want to know how it turned out?" she asked me.

"No, Sam. I don’t. You obviously don’t get it. I don’t ever want to hear about this afternoon again."

She looked at me, shook her head and said "No, thank you Joan for reminding me why I don’t have any girlfriends." I stared at her in disbelief wondering if she grasped the irony of her own statement.

"OK Sam, that’s enough for one evening. I hope you’ll take good care of teddy as I’ve grown quite fond of him" I said.

"Awww, I don’t want to take your teddy bear, Joan"

"Teddy was never meant to be mine Sam." I informed her. Yet again she looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about. "Boys" I found myself thinking once more. It was time to go, I was tired and wanted to get to bed.

"I love you Joan" Sam said to me softly.

The only answer I felt comfortable giving her that evening was, "I know." Wisely, she didn’t press the issue and simply said she’d see me tomorrow.

Chapter 6

Boys will be Boys

It wasn’t going to be that easy getting rid of Sam that evening. She came back inside and bade her farewells to my parents before taking her leave. "Are you going to be all right, Samantha?" my mother asked her.

"Thanks for your concern Aunt Joan," Sam replied before informing her that it wouldn’t be the first time she’d be home alone.

"Make sure you ring me when you arrive" was all my mother said. Sam sighed. She practically lived 100 feet away, yet she assured my mother that she’d call as soon as she was in the door. Mom seemed reassured and Sam made her way for the exit. I decided that I needed just one more moment alone with her before she left.

"Hang on a moment Sam," I said. "I’ll walk you home." Mom smiled at my gallant behavior and told me she expected my return within minutes.

Sam and I made our way across the street and walked the two house difference in a manner of seconds and silence. We stood in front of her house and she grabbed me in her arms again. I wanted to push her away, yet I didn’t. She stared into my eyes again and said "I love you Joan." I was still too angry and hurt to respond in kind. At last she said "it’s all right sweetheart, you don’t have to say anything." I heaved a sigh of relief and just stood there letting her hold me.

I said "I’m sorry Sam, I have to go," and removed myself from her embrace. She took her keys from her pocket, opened her front door and disappeared inside without looking back. Thinking that to an extent this was as much about saving face as anything else, I didn’t stand there staring at her front door, but forced myself to move back across the street and inside my own front door.

"That was quick Joan," my mother said.

"Did Sam call?" I asked her.

"Yes, she did darling," Mom replied.

"Good" I said. "I’m going to bed. Good night Mom, good night Dad" I said as I made my way up the stairs for the last time that day.

I entered my room feeling a sense of loss. Sam was gone. Teddy was gone. For some reason, I felt totally abandoned. I’m not sure what made me think of it, but my mind went towards my backpack and the secrets hidden within. I forced my mind to think about any homework left undone. There wasn’t any. Within moments I was once again thinking about the two items locked safely in the hidden zippered compartment of my backpack. Before I knew it, I was standing at the bathroom mirror holding the compact and the lipstick in my hand. I wasn’t in need of the compact, so I turned my attention to the tiny tube and popped the head off the cylinder before twisting the base. Seeing the waxy red substance emerge made me smile in remembrance. I held the tube steadily in my right hand and thought about what to do next.

Sam thought I’d applied the substance expertly, but that merely told of her total ignorance of the subject matter. I stood there staring at my face in the mirror. Without thinking I raised the tube towards my face. I puckered my lips almost unconsciously as I applied the creamy, sweet smelling substance to my lips. Feelings of shame and pride assaulted me simultaneously. I stared at myself head on. Hair cascading around my face, bits of gold attached to my ear lobes, and bright ruby red color saturating my lips. I did indeed look "pretty." What’s more, I liked the look. I posed in the mirror seductively and then was overtaken by feelings of shame. I sat down on the commode and removed several wads of toilet paper from the roll. I don’t think I’d ever felt more confused in my life. I began violently wiping my lips with the paper. The gobs of red paint on the tissue remnants told me that it was indeed coming off successfully. Having finished the job, I threw the now red streaked bits into the bowl. I sat there for a few moments trying to figure out just what was happening to my life. Exhaustion overtook me soon enough. I flushed and inspected my face in the mirror. There were still a few traces of red stuck in the crevices of my lips and I just couldn’t force myself to remove them.

I make my way back to my room and removed a clean pair of PJs from the dresser. I had placed them there only hours earlier. I grabbed them in both hands and held them up to my face, inhaling their fragrance. I buried my head in the soft fabric and almost began crying again. Sternly, I admonished myself. That’s enough Joan, I thought. I turned out the light, made my way under the covers and was asleep within seconds.

It seemed like only seconds later that the alarm was sounding reminding me that this was a school day. I thought about telling Mom that I was sick and could I please just spend the day in bed. This would raise all types of questions about my "illness" and I decided in the end that it would be easier to go to school. I sighed, got up and made my way into the bathroom. Still feeling exhausted, I sat on the bowl as I relieved myself. This is the way that girls go, isn’t it. I thought? I almost stopped myself midstream to stand and "pee like a man." Even I couldn’t resist laughing at my insane thoughts. I finished up and jumped into the shower without adjusting the water temperature first. Big mistake: I must have jumped three feet as the icy water struck me. It was only moments before the hot water kicked in and I luxuriated in the warmth of the drops making sure to scrub my face properly thereby removing any traces of lipstick.

Staring at myself in my bedroom mirror as I toweled off, I thought about the day ahead. Donning a par of khaki pants I carefully considered what "top" to put on. The light green striped one, I decided at last. I began wondering to myself as I did up the buttons. Usually, I’d grab whatever I reached first and put it on. And what was with this "top" business? It was a shirt, plain and simple. I put my lipstick and compact back in the secret compartment and made my way downstairs for a quick bite before heading out the door. Dad had left for work early again and Mom was on the phone as I made my escape.

I stood outside for a few minutes. There was no sign of Sam. Should I go and knock on her door, I wondered? I didn’t want to start the day off on the wrong foot and finally found myself ringing Aunt Alice’s door bell. "John, what are you doing here?" she asked me.

"Isn’t Sam going to school today?" I asked.

"Why yes she is dear, but she left some time ago." I thanked her and apologized for bothering her so early in the morning and quickly made my way down the street. Tears began flowing down my cheeks as I continued on to school. I thought about going home or simply not showing up at all but I knew there’d be hell to pay. A thousand thoughts swam through my head as I kept walking. The bell rang as I arrived and a swarm of kids made their way towards the entrance. I searched the crowd quickly but saw no sign of Sam as I made my way to home room. I couldn’t remember feeling sadder in my life as I took my seat and waited for Mrs. Pembroke to take attendance. The room was surprisingly quiet, but then again, it was a Tuesday. Energy levels always seemed low on Tuesdays. I sat at my desk and stared silently out the window waiting for the bell to ring. It took forever but at last it did ring and we were on our way to first period. Mrs. Stratford, as she always did, waited until the last student had entered the room before closing the door behind her.

Mrs. S. surveyed the class from the front of the room and commented "I see Pete Wilkins isn’t in today. No wonder after his performance on the test yesterday,. You know what they say about those who fail history, don’t you class?" That was a sad. rhetorical attempt at humor, but still she continued "They are doomed to repeat it!" A chorus of groans filled the room.

"Mrs. Stratford?"

"Yes Darla?" she replied.

"I was wondering whether you were finished grading our tests yet?" she asked.

The teacher smiled at her and said "Why yes, Darla, I have. There were quite a few surprises among the papers but you know I never give out grades until I have finished grading all five sections." Darla Raspberry, I thought to myself. Little miss goody two shoes. Some kids used to tease her about her names. Yes, her first AND last name. "Marla Gooseberry" some of the kids called her. Darla never got upset though. She thought they were laughing "with" her. Besides, I thought, you had to feel sorry for anyone with the last name of a piece of fruit.

The rest of the period passed uneventfully as did the rest of the morning. Soon the lunch bell sounded and we made our way to the cafeteria. I’d been lost in such a fog this
morning that I forgot to make my lunch. There was no lunch money for me, I could either bring my food or spend my allowance. Needless to say, I rarely bought my lunch. I stood in the queue waiting for my chance at the putrid offerings. It always amazed me how they could screw up something as easy as lunch so badly. These must have been the top graduates from a generation ago operating the cafeteria, I laughed to myself. Seeing nothing appealing, I settled for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and container of milk. My dwindling funds took a $1.50 hit for that garbage. Now came the hard part.

I really didn’t want to see Jim or Billy. Sam was another story entirely. I made my way towards our table and stopped dead in my tracks. There along with Bill, Jim, and Sam was Duncan Smythe. They were all sitting there laughing and having a grand old time. For a moment I thought about emptying my tray in the trash bin and hiding out in the boys room till lunch was over. I made a quick survey of the room and noticed only one table with an empty seat. Technically, they all had empty seats. Each table was designed for six, but no table was ever occupied by more than four students. I walked over to the table and said "Excuse me, mind if I sit here?"

Sarah Miles looked up at me and said, "Go away, can’t you see we’re talking?"

Darla and Sally were also seated there and Darla said "Hey Sarah, be nice. John has to sit somewhere. Can’t you see his seat’s been taken?" Sarah looked over and noticed Duncan occupying my usual chair.

"All right John, you can sit here but only for today." Having won a small victory, Darla beckoned me to take my place.

"Thanks" I mumbled in appreciation to no one in particular. They began talking about the history test yesterday. All three of them were in the same class as me.

"What do you think Mrs. Stratford meant by saying there were some surprises?" Darla asked the three of us.

Sally and Sarah shrugged their shoulders and feeling the need to participate in the conversation I replied "Well, I’m sure you did the best Darla as always, but I think I did pretty good too."

"You John?" She laughed. I wasn’t known for my intellectual prowess and at length I looked at her slyly and joined her in laughter. Neither Sally nor Sarah commented at all. They knew they’d passed and that’s all they cared about. Darla went out of her way to include me in the conversation and for that I was grateful. I ate my sandwich, drank my milk and began getting up to make my exit. "John" Darla said "you can eat with us anytime." I smiled at her as I returned my tray and without looking back at my former table, made my way to physical education class.

Mr. Stratford, Mrs. Stratford’s husband was our gym teacher. We changed in the locker rooms and headed into the gym waiting for attendance to be taken. That completed we were led through a series of calisthenics before we knew what was in store for the day. Dodge ball was the game and I was ready to play. The sides were chosen and I moved back to the line ready to play. The whistle sounded and we ran towards center court to grab the balls. The balls were similar to soccer balls and the object of the game was to hit someone without them catching it. If it hit them and then hit the ground, they were out. If they caught it, you were out. I felt an extra surge of adrenaline running through me and knew no one was going to catch my offering. I made it to center court first, picked up the ball and eyed my target. Yes, it was Billy. You were never supposed to throw a ball at someone’s head, but mistakes happened. I threw the ball with all my might and Billy collapsed like a sack of potatoes. The game stopped. Everyone ran to Billy’s aid. I stood there without moving and examined the laces on my sneakers.

Finally, Billy got up and was escorted off the court. "Mr. Johnson!" The coach screamed, "My office right now!" The teams started laughing and making cat calls as I slowly made my way to Mr. Stratford’s tiny office. He went in before me and walked around his desk and sat down. I made a move for the chair on my side and was informed that I hadn’t been told to sit. "You, did that on purpose, didn’t you John?" he asked. I stood there not sure how to respond. I knew I meant to hit Billy and hit him specifically, but honestly, I don’t think I intended to hit him in the head. "Is everything OK between you and Billy?" he asked. Coach was concerned about his starting third baseman and the upcoming game on Saturday.

"Yes coach" I replied "Everything’s fine."

"I don’t think you should play anymore today John, but you’re not getting off that easy." I found myself running laps around the gym for the last twenty minutes of class. Each time I rounded the corner with Billy and his friends, they would break out in jeers.

At last the class ended and we hit the lockers to change for our next class. No one said anything to me and if they had I’d have probably wound up in the principal’s office on charges of insanity. I made my way to Mr. Benson’s science class. I hated science, but did my best to pay attention. We were studying the earth’s strata. I couldn’t think of a better cure for insomnia. Just before the final bell sounded, Mr. Benson informed us that our final test of the year would be on Friday. That gave me three days to get this nonsense in my head and a lifetime to forget about it. The bell rang and I made my way for my locker. I carefully selected the texts I’d need and made my way for the exit. I got outside and by force of habit found myself waiting there for Sam. When she didn’t arrive after a few minutes, I began the lonely trek home.

Everything seemed so damned bleak. How could someone tell you they loved you one minute and the next treat you like a nonentity? I desperately wanted to talk to my friend. I found myself counting the cracks in the pavement on the way home as a way to occupy my mind. I was up to 128 when I arrived at my front door. I stood outside the door for a moment trying to calm down before I went in and announced my presence. I was determined that Mom not notice just how upset I was. "Mom, I’m home!" I shouted upon entering.

"John, you’re early" she said.

"Yes, well I walked alone and guess I was walking a little faster than usual."

"Well,, good" she said. "You can help move the furniture so I can give the rug a good cleaning."

"Mom, I really have a lot of homework," I tried.

"Oh, well of course dear," she said "but don’t you think you could just help me for a few minutes?" How could I refuse?

For the next half-hour I found myself moving everything that wasn’t nailed down while Mom attempted to engage me in idle chit chat. I wasn’t in the mood and deflected her attempts with brevity. Having moved the last piece out of the way I asked "Can I go now?"

"I suppose," she said. "But I’m going to need your help in an hour or so to put everything back." Great, I thought as I made my way up to my bedroom. I entered and half expected to see teddy sitting atop my pillow. Of course he wasn’t there. I put an album on the stereo in hopes that it would shake me out of my mood. Savage Garden’s "To the moon and back" came on and I found myself lost in the song wondering if the right kind of pilot would come along for me. "John" I head my mother shouting, "it’s for you! Someone named Darla?" her voice asked inquisitively. "Thanks Mom" I said as I reached for the phone.

"Darla" I said, "this is a surprise."

"Hi John" she said hesitantly. " I heard about what happened in gym class and I just wanted to make sure you were all right." Was I all right? No, I definitely wasn’t all right.

"Of course Darla," I replied, "I’m fine. Thanks so much for your concern." I added.

Silence filled the airwaves for a few moments. I wanted to ask her how she’d gotten my phone number, as it wasn’t published. Finally she asked, "I was wondering if you’d like to get together and study for Mr. Benson’s test tomorrow evening?"

"That would be great" I replied all the while feeling like I was cheating on Sam and not feeling good about it.

"Tomorrow evening at 7:00 PM, my house" she added before I could ask her where and when. I knew the Raspberries lived around here somewhere but wasn’t exactly sure where. Darla provided me with her address. I had probably walked past her house a thousand times never knowing that she lived there. "Would you like to walk with me to school tomorrow morning?" she asked before I could hang up. Her house was three blocks away and only one block out of my way.

Not wanting to spend the walk in the morning counting cracks in the sidewalk I smiled and said "That too would be great! I’ll see you at 7:40, if that’s OK? She replied that would be perfect and we said our goodbyes. By the time our conversation ended "Santa Monica" was playing softly in the background. I wasn’t sure why, but this was my favorite song on the album and I found myself singing along…"but on the telephone line I am anyone, I am anything I want to be…" Damn, such a pretty song. I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again and all of a sudden I was sitting there with a huge grin on my face.

Not wanting to appear the total idiot, I decided I’d better bone up on the layers of the earth. When it came to science I was an excellent chef. "John" my mother shouted "Get down here now" What now I wondered as I made my way down the stairs. "Come on, we have to get this room back in order." As we began moving pieces about Mom asked me just who this "Darla" person was. I told her and before I could finish she was asking me about Sam.

"Sam, what about Sam?"

"Well, I thought she was your best friend?" Mom asked honestly.

"Darla and I are just studying for a test. Speaking of which, I won’t be able to eat dinner with you and Dad tomorrow evening. Darla and I are studying together tomorrow evening at her house. They only live a few blocks away and I have to be there by 7 PM. If that’s all right?"

"I guess it’s OK" Mom replied "But I’m going to need her full name and phone number before you go running over there."

"Her full name is Darla Raspberry and I don’t know her phone number" I informed her.

"Raspberry?" Mom started laughing "Oh My!" she laughed again and made her way into the kitchen. She returned quickly carrying the phone book and asked me if Darla lived on Mountain Ave.?

"Yes, Mom, that’s her" I answered.

"Well, I’m just going to have to call Mrs. Raspberry and make sure this is all right" she informed me.

"MOM, YOU CAN’T DO THAT!" I screamed. "Isn’t it enough to know where I’m going to be and who I’m going to be with? I am going there to study for a test! I’ll be home by 10 PM at the latest."

"You’ll be home by 9:30 young man" she informed me. I said OK figuring I could stretch it out to 10 by calling her from Darla’s house tomorrow evening.

"Can I get back to my studying?" I asked her.

"Go!" was all she replied.

Back up in my room I began twisting my earrings. I just realized that I hadn’t thought abut them all day. They stuck a little at first but then began spinning easily. I hoped that I hadn’t messed anything up. The next thing I knew I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror admiring my ruby red lips and again twisting my earrings. What was wrong with me I wondered? Why was I doing this, I wondered, again as I posed as prettily as I could in the mirror in front of me. Mirror mirror on the wall I thought and began giggling. Something was not quite right in my head, but I wasn’t hurting anybody I reasoned and removed the lipstick and washed my face.

A short time later Mom shouted up to me again. . "John, dinner’s ready!"

"I’ll be right there" A last look at my face to make sure nothing was amiss, I made my way downstairs. As I walked down I realized that the tube of lipstick was in my pocket. Although it didn’t show at all, just knowing it was there made me nervous. "What’s for dinner?" I asked before my father could.

"Yes darling, what’s for dinner?" Dad asked echoing my sentiments.

"Tonight we are having steak!" Mom announced. Steak! My favorite!

"and?" Dad asked…

"and French Fries" Mom announced. Wow I thought. It may sound silly but steak and french fries was a rarity in our household. No, it wasn’t about the money, it was just that Mom was not that fond of beef and preferred a healthier diet. Yeah, like pork chops I laughed to myself shaking my head. Well, this was her reasoning, not mine. The caper was fresh corn on the cob. I was salivating in anticipation. I grabbed the A1 sauce for Dad and the ketchup for myself and sat down to eat.

"So, how was your day John?" Dad asked.

"It was all right, I guess" I replied remembering the horrible way it started out.

"Oh?" said Mom "Well Alice called me this morning and said you’d been over looking for Sam. It seems she ditched you?" Mom asked with genuine concern in her voice.

"I think she had to be at school early today." I lied, wondering why Mom had waited till now to spring this information on me.

"Everything all right with your classes then?" he asked in an attempt to show genuine concern. I smiled and told him everything was fine and told him about my plans to study with Darla tomorrow night. "That’s my boy," he smiled and Mom just shook her head in disbelief. I did my best to concentrate on my food. Hell, all I’d eaten was that dreadful peanut butter sandwich. I seemed to be losing weight unintentionally as my pants felt a bit loose around my waist. As was their usual pattern, Mom and Dad became engaged in conversation and I continued devouring my dinner. I still had a bit of steak left when I thought of Shandy. Feeling sorry and a bit guilty, I left a bit of steak on my plate.

I asked Mom if I could be excused and she repeated last night’s performance. "Let me see your plate" she asked. It was clean but for the few bits of meat remaining. "You haven’t finished your dinner" she informed me.

"But Mom, I’m stuffed. You don’t want me to get sick do you? Besides, Shandy really loves steak and I thought I’d save a bit for her." My case having been made, I stood up and made my way over to Shandy’s bowl. She was not allowed in the house during dinnertime. I scraped the few bits of meat in and made my way to the sink. While Mom and Dad continued talking and eating I began cleaning up. I was done with the oven racks by the time they finished eating and cleared their plates away for them.

"What, no dessert?" my father asked.

"You don’t need any dessert," my mother replied pointing at Dad’s ever expanding waistline.

My job done, I let the dog in and made my way up to my room to continue studying. I sat at my desk for a few minutes wondering what it was going to be like studying with Darla. I’d never studied with anyone else before, not even Sam. Sam, I thought. What was she doing right now? Did she miss me? Was she taking good care of teddy? Did she miss me? I so wanted to call her, but summoned all my resolve and in the end, I didn’t dial her number. In some strange way, I was proud of myself for not caving in, calling her, and begging forgiveness as I’m (almost) sure she expected. I actually did manage to get some studying done, surprising even myself. At last, I made my way to the bathroom, twisted my earrings, brushed my teeth, and made a point of standing as I relieved myself before heading back to my room to put on some fresh pajamas and going to say goodnight to Mom and Dad. I’m not sure why but as I bade her goodnight Mom pulled me close, hugged me, told me she loved me, and also informed me that she would always be there for me, no matter what. I wondered just what prompted that display, but she kissed me gently on the forehead and told me to sleep well before I could formulate a coherent thought.

Back upstairs in my bedroom I adjusted my clock to awaken me at 6:50 instead of the usual 7:00 AM. I wanted to make sure I had enough time to make my lunch and be at Darla’s by 7:40. I climbed into bed wishing that I still had teddy to hug as I drifted off. I almost considered finding some time to head to the boardwalk in an attempt to win another "teddy," but I knew in my heart it wouldn’t be the same…. I turned off my light and within nanoseconds I was sleeping soundly……………..

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age story.

Story:

Chapter 7

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

The alarm sounded and I found myself leaping out of bed well rested. Before I knew it I was done with the shower and stood drying off in front of the bathroom mirror. I twisted my earrings several times wondering just how long I’d have to do that before I could simply ignore them as most girls do. It being one of the last few weeks of school, the dress code had been relaxed. I reached for a pair of jeans and a blue, vertical striped sport shirt. I stood fixing my hair in the full length mirror for a moment before grabbing my backpack and heading downstairs. I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a bowl, filled it quickly, splashed the milk and practically swallowed without chewing.

"Where’s the fire John?" my mother asked.

"Nowhere Mom, I just thought I’d get an early start is all. Mom, I need to make my lunch. Where’s the turkey?" I asked.

"I’m sorry John, but your father beat you to it."

"It figures," was all I could think of to say.

"Oh well, there’s peanut butter" Mom suggested. I sighed at the thought and removed the jar from the cabinet and made my lunch. At least Mom bought "real" peanut butter and not the crap they made school lunches out of. Sandwich made, I grabbed a container of juice out of the refrigerator and kissed my mother goodbye.

It was closing in on 7:30 as I made my way out the door. I started walking and thought "damn." Darla’s house was indeed three blocks away, but I’d have to walk past Sam’s house taking that route. I quickly considered the alternative and decided that the additional two blocks walk would make me late. I practically ran down the street. That’s not easy to do when you’ve got a backpack full of books hanging on your shoulders. No one from the Peters’ residence spied me, at least I hoped they hadn’t. I arrived at Darla’s just in time and she came out to greet me.

"I like a boy who’s prompt," was all she said as we began walking. After awhile she commented "I noticed you walking alone to school yesterday and then again on the way home. Is something wrong between you and Sam?" she asked.

"Not that I’m aware of," I lied.

"Well, if you ever want to talk about it…" she said as her voice drifted off.

"Thanks" I replied without thinking, knowing that this would confirm her suspicions that something was indeed wrong between me and my best friend.

She started in on the history test again and asked me if I really thought I’d done well. I began to wonder if she was worried that someone had gotten a better score than she had on the test. Knowing I’d killed on that exam and not wanting to upset her, I simply told her that I did all right. She then asked me if I was going to the informal end of the year dance on Friday. I hadn’t even considered it. "Are we allowed?" I asked.

"Yes, silly the graduating seventh graders are always invited to the end of the year dance." I honestly didn’t know anything about it and told her so. "Well, I’m going with Sarah and Sally, if you’d like to join us, you’re more than welcome." I wasn’t so sure Sarah would agree that I’d be welcome and told her so. "Oh, Sarah was just upset cause you never talk to the girls." She replied. What about Sam, she’s a girl, I thought to myself as we continued on. Once again we arrived at school just as the bell was ringing announcing that we could make our way inside. "See you later," she said as she made her way into the building.

I made a point of not looking for Sam and made my way to my locker. Mrs. Pembroke seemed less interested in her job than usual and after briefly surveying the class, signed the attendance card and told her pet, Michael Pommerance, to take it down to the office. I was glad that I wouldn’t have to sit there wasting five minutes waiting for her to ask me if I was there. I sat staring out the window hoping that a freight train would appear on the tracks off to the horizon so I could sit there and count the cars as they passed. Sadly, there weren’t any trains that morning. At length the bell rang letting us know that the day had officially begun. I made my way down the hall to Mrs. Stratford’s class. "Good morning John," she smiled at me as I entered. What was that all about I wondered as I made my way to my seat. She had never greeted me in such a fashion before. Perhaps her husband had suggested a bit of kindness towards me after my apparent outburst in gym class.

Mrs. Stratford came into the room as the last student entered and surveyed the class taking a silent attendance. "Good, you’re all here" she replied. "Some of you performed very poorly on Monday’s test" she informed us. "Those that failed will be given one last chance next Monday should they care to avail themselves of it, but I won’t be offering the test during normal class hours. The interested parties are welcome to stay after school and retake the exam." I broke out in a cold sweat as she made her speech. Had I failed the test that I thought I’d aced? I didn’t think so, but glancing over at Darla, I could tell she was worried too. I guess I’d have to wait till Friday to find out. The rest of the hour passed quickly as Mrs. Stratford gave us a brief preview of next fall’s history lessons. Soon after, the bell rang and we made our way to second period; Mr. Ferris’ shop class.

Almost in an effort to prove that he’d heard every joke possible about his name, he had a huge wooden Ferris Wheel perched on the window sill. It was beautifully painted and I’d heard rumor to the effect that it actually worked. I’d never seen it spin though. "OK kids, listen up," he said. Mr. Ferris unlike the other teachers never took attendance at all. At least, not as far as I could tell. "Most of you have finished with your final projects. A few of you still have some work to do. Those whose final project has been handed in may use the rest of the period as a study hall." Having finished my jewelry box a week earlier, I began studying for Friday’s science exam. I smiled to myself wondering if Mom was going to like the gift that I’d made for her.

Mr. Ferris wasn’t a real stickler for the rules and didn’t mind if we worked together or just got together and talked as long as we didn’t disrupt the class. For awhile I sat there staring at the Ferris Wheel wondering what it would be like to get stuck on the top of it at night with Sam by my side. "John!" Mr. Ferris called to me. "Come into my office for a moment." I made my way into his long and narrow office and took a seat. "John, I have to tell you" he said. "I’ve been doing this for over 20 years now and I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a nicer piece of work than your jewelry box. Have you given any thought to pursuing cabinet making as a career?" I honestly had no idea that such jobs still existed. More importantly I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

"Thanks for the kind words Mr. Ferris. At this point I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up." He laughed at that and told me he hoped that I would sign up for his advanced wood working class in the fall. I thanked him and made my way back to my table.

The bell rang and I was off to Math, class, then English and finally lunch. I hadn’t given any thought about what I was going to do about the lunch time seating arrangements. I needn’t have worried because Duncan and the other three were already sitting at my former table when I passed by. My eyes began watering as I made my way to Darla’s table. I hoped they would welcome me as they had yesterday. Since they had just sat down themselves, I didn’t ask permission to join them but just sat in the same seat as yesterday.

"I’m glad you decided to join us" Darla said knowing full well that I’d had no choice in the matter. Sarah gave me a brief glance. A look that suggested she’d love to perform an emergency heartectomy on me. "John, I’ve been meaning to ask you" Darla said. "Did it hurt?" My eyes began welling up and for a moment I wondered whether she was talking about Sam having broken my heart. I looked at her quizzically. "You know, when you got your ears pierced?" I heaved a sigh of relief and noticed that none of my luncheon companions had pierced ears.

"It didn’t really hurt" I explained. "It just stung for a moment and was all over before I knew what had happened." I said

Then she asked a more difficult question. One that I had no answer for and not wanting to appear a total bubblebrain I thought as quickly as I could for the answer to her inquiry "Why did you get it done, John?"

Having drawn a complete blank regarding an answer to this question I simply replied "It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Well, I have to admit" she continued "they sure look sexy on you." I blushed at her statement and Sarah and Sally both burst into a fit of giggles. I removed my sandwich from the bag, opened my juice container and began eating.

"You must really like peanut butter." Sally said at last. This was the first time she’d addressed me directly and to show my gratitude I explained the lack of lunch meat at the old homestead. "I was beginning to think you were a vegetarian" she went on. At that we all began laughing though it wasn’t really funny. The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur. The only thing I remember was Mr. Benson reminding us that the test was on Friday and we’d better all be prepared. The bell rang and I began to make my way towards my locker. Before I could reach my target, Darla reminded me about our plans for the evening.

"I’ll be there at 7:00" I assured her and made my way out the door.

I didn’t even look for Sam that afternoon but began walking as soon as I exited the building. Apparently I had missed a few yesterday as this time I counted 144 cracks along the way. The happiness I’d felt yesterday after Darla’s call had deserted me and I found myself missing Sam more than I thought possible. Mom was in the living room when I arrived and she greeted me with "Why the long face sweetheart?" I was tired of holding the pain in and before I knew it I was sobbing. Mom hugged me tightly and stroked my hair as she assured me that all was going to be just fine. When she thought I had calmed down sufficiently she asked, "this is about Sam, isn’t it?" I couldn’t deny it any longer. I felt emotionally drained. I dared not tell Mom the whole story, but I let her know that Sam and I were indeed at odds with one another. In our entire lives we had never fought before. Well, maybe for an hour or so, but nothing like this. In fact, the last fight I remember us having involved her ripping the head off of my GI Joe. And that had been many years ago.

"Maybe you should give her a call?" Mom suggested. I almost took her advice but then decided that if anyone should be calling anyone, it should be Sam calling me. In an attempt to change the subject, I asked Mom what was for dinner. "You said you weren’t going to be here" she reminded me. "I’m not serving dinner in shifts. There’s a frozen dinner waiting for you. You can nuke it at your convenience." In a way I felt short-changed but then I realized that her solution was a reasonable one. Still, I couldn’t help but think that I was being punished for going over to Darla’s house. Mom would think I was nuts if I even suggested the idea. I knew she thought of Sam as a daughter and she herself was upset that we were fighting. I wanted to explain the situation totally, knowing that she’d take my side if she had all the facts. The price was more than I was willing to pay.

I went out into the backyard and began playing with Shandy. "How are you girl?" I asked her. She gave her standard "woof" in reply and for some reason that simple "woof" made me laugh. I played catch with her for a bit, tossing her tennis ball with her catching it and bringing it back to me so I could throw it again. We both grew tired of the game after awhile and I said my goodbyes to her and made my way back inside. I looked up at the clock and noticed that it was only 3:45. Mom was still sitting on the couch watching television. A very unusual thing for her to be doing in the afternoon and I wondered briefly if she was all right.

"I’m going out for a bit." I announced rather than asked.

"OK John, don’t be late though. Remember you have a study date this evening." Without replying I headed out the door and towards the boardwalk.

I walked aimlessly for awhile. This being the middle of the week in the spring most of the shops weren’t open. I briefly remembered my thoughts about replacing teddy and I was grateful the stand was closed as I knew I’d be there playing number 2 again. I walked over to the gate separating the boardwalk from the beach and removed my shoes. I made my way down the ramp and walked slowly to the ocean. I sat just beyond the reach of the waves and stared out to sea. Everything about it was perfect. The only thing missing was Sam. What to do about Sam, I wondered? Did she miss me as much as I missed her? If she did she certainly wasn’t letting it show. I just wanted this nightmare to be over. I started thinking that if we hadn’t become romantically involved that none of this would have ever happened. I missed my friend. I wished I’d brought my guitar with me. I could have serenaded the gulls.

I had a six string solid top guitar. It was nameless and made in Korea, but the action on the neck was perfect and the sound wasn’t half bad. It had been a Christmas present a few years earlier. Of course, the deal had been, we’ll get you the guitar, but you have to promise to take lessons. I laughed remembering that. The lessons had lasted three months before Mr. Zayle declared to my mother that I was hopeless and would never be a guitarist. I hated taking lessons, but, I loved my guitar. I bought myself a few chord books and by the following Christmas I could play just about anything. I knew every important bar chord out there and a few of the exotic ones as well. Mom and Dad were happy that the instrument hadn’t simply wound up in the back of a closet somewhere. I practiced often and was still working on my finger picking technique.

Sitting there on the beach, I found myself lost in thoughts of Sam. Too many thoughts of her. I realized that it been a mistake coming here this afternoon. Instead of feeling comfort and peace, I only felt as though I’d lost a part of my soul. I made my way back to the boardwalk. I sat on a bench using my hands to whisk away the sand that clung to my feet before putting my sneakers back on. As I sat there concentrating on my task, a voice spoke to me. "You’re ruining everything." It said. I looked up and there was Sarah Miles looking at me.

"What are you talking about Sarah?" I asked her.

"Nothing" she replied. Not sure what to say I found myself blurting

"Why do you hate me Sarah?"

"Why don’t you go make up with your boyfriend and leave us alone." She replied. That told me nothing. I stood up and she and I looked each other in the eyes.

"I’m really sorry Sarah" I said. "I only wish I knew what I was apologizing for." With that she turned around and walked away. Girls, I thought as I made my own way home.

It was still only 5:00 as I arrived back home. Walking in the door, I knew I’d better think fast or Mom would surely find me something to do. As I tried to think of something Mom said "why don’t you come help me in the kitchen?" Too late now, but I realized I’d have to start planning ahead in the future.

"But Mom" I whined "I’m not even eating dinner this evening."

"But, you are eating, right?" There was no denying her logic. She handed me a five pound bag of potatoes and told me to get started. Having done this task before, I took the bag and placed it on the counter next to the sink. I filled the wash basin with lukewarm water and dumped the contents into it. Grabbing the vegetable scrubber I began removing the dirt from the potatoes. I continued on in this fashion until the entire five pound bag had been cleaned, peeled, and quartered. It could only mean one thing. Mom was making potato salad. "Well, at least you’ll have something tasty to bring for lunch tomorrow." I found myself thinking of Darla as the clock neared 6 PM.

"I think I’d better make my dinner now Mom" I said. I removed the box from the freezer and began reading the cooking instructions. At least it wasn’t one of the crappier ones as frozen dinners go. Precisely eight minutes later the microwave sounded and I removed the tray and sat down to eat. It was edible, but barely so. I finished up, cleared the table and decided I’d better check my appearance before heading out the door. Upstairs in the bathroom I found myself staring at my reflection. She thought my earrings looked sexy, I remembered as I found myself turning each one slowly. I primped my hair a bit and found myself wishing that I could add some lipstick to complete the look. I had no idea why I was thinking such thoughts, but, I didn’t find the idea as repulsive as I had just a few days ago.

I emptied out my backpack for the most part leaving only my science text and notebook and of course, the secret containers. It was twenty minutes to seven as I made my way to the front door. "Mom, I’m leaving now." I shouted.

"All right Joan, but remember, 9:30 and no later!" she reminded me. I was beginning to think that she called me "Joan" when she was really serious about something. Hell, it was as good an explanation as any. I now had fifteen minutes to traverse the five blocks. There was no way I was walking past Sam’s house at this hour. I arrived ten minutes early and not wanting to appear too eager, I took a leisurely stroll around the block. As my watch informed me it was 7:00 PM, I muttered to myself "here goes nothing." I rang the doorbell and waited for Darla to appear.

Instead of Darla, a young lady answered the door and said "hello."

I found myself saying "I didn’t know Darla had a sister?" With that Mrs. Raspberry broke into joyous laughter. I had inadvertently made a friend for life.

"You must be John." She said matter of factly. She beckoned me inside and informed me that Darla would be down in just a minute. Without my asking she informed me that her husband, Dr. Robert Raspberry wouldn’t be home as he’d been called in to handle an emergency somewhere.

"He and my father have something in common then." I replied.

"Oh, is your father a doctor too?" she asked.

"No" I laughed "But his first name is Robert too." With that she broke out in laughter herself.

"Darla honey, you’re charming friend John is waiting for you." I blushed at her comment.

At last Darla descended the stairs and I noticed something different about her. It only took me a moment to realize what it was. She was wearing a skirt. It’s funny sometimes how your brain ignores the obvious. A brief thought flashed through my mind: I’d never seen Sam in a skirt. Brought back to reality by a comment from Darla as she stood next to her mother. "Are you ready to do some studying then John?" I found myself looking up at the both of them unable to reply. They did indeed look like sisters. Mrs. Raspberry then told Darla what I had said upon entering and both of them began laughing.

"You’re not the first one to make that mistake." Darla informed me. "Is it all right if John and I study up in my room?" she asked. Mrs. Raspberry began looking at me as if she’d never seen me before. Her eyes seemed locked on my ears for a moment before she replied

"All right dear, but leave the door open."

Funny, I’d never considered the need to ask for permission to have a friend up to my room. The house was huge. The stairway alone was twice the width of our own. "Couldn’t we have taken the elevator?" I asked her.

"Oh, I’m sorry John. Did you want to?" I looked at her mouth agape and she laughed and said "Gotcha!" Upon hearing her reply I almost automatically punched her shoulder. I stopped mid-way as a look of serious concern crossed her face.

"You weren’t going to hit me John, were you?" I apologized and attempted to explain the conditioned response. She thought at length and accepted my explanation. We reached the landing at the top of the stairs. All by itself it was as big as our family room and even contained a tiny sofa. I believe that’s called a settee, but I’m not entirely sure. Book shelves lined the walls and they were filled to capacity. Had I somehow stumbled into the public library? Darla noticed my reaction. She had seen it before when friends had come over. "This way John" she said. She took my hand and we began walking down the hall to the last door on the left. I’m not sure just how many doors we passed before arriving but, there were more than a few.

"Your house certainly is a lot larger on the inside than it appears from the outside" I commented. She giggled as if I’d said something funny. It felt strange holding her hand but, it felt nice too. We entered her bedroom and I couldn’t believe it’s size. It was huge! She had a queen-sized four poster bed complete with canopy, a private bath, and even a fireplace. I’d never been in such a fancy bedroom before. Instead of posters on the walls, there were actual works of art. The walls were covered with soft hues of pink and gray. Next to the bath along the wall was a makeup table. It wasn’t that large but was finely constructed and very delicate in appearance. An ornate circular mirror was hung above it. The top was covered with lots of jars and containers. A silver tray was filled with many tubes of lipstick. She saw my eyes locked on the table and laughingly asked me if I’d like to freshen my makeup. I almost went to punch her shoulder yet again, but stopped myself in time and she made no comment.

"We can play with that stuff another time Joan" she said. Were my ears deceiving me? Had she just called me Joan? "Over here" she commanded. I found myself sitting at a table with two chairs on either side. It was not unlike our kitchen table, but this one was made of oak and obviously very expensive. I ran my hands over the smooth surface.

"You seem to be quite taken with the furniture" she said. I told her briefly about Mr. Ferris’ comments to me earlier in the day. She smiled at me and took my hands in her own and seemed to be examining them. "Such pretty hands shouldn’t be crafting wood," she said as her gaze reached for my own. Pretty hands, I thought? Who has pretty hands? Unsure of what to say I turned tables on her and held her hands up for my own inspection. "I may have nice hands, but they’re nothing compared to your own." She seemed pleased with my comment. With that I put my backpack on the table and began removing my books.

"Do you enjoy science class?" I asked her. A look of sadness overtook her face as she replied "no." wondering what was going on, I asked her. "Why so sad?"

"As you now know my father is a doctor. As you also now know, I’m an only child. Get it?" Actually, I had no idea what she was going on about. Finally, I gave her a look that suggested comprehension and simply said "Ahhhhh!" I’d been practicing that look and sigh for as long as I could remember. For a moment she looked concerned. Perhaps that trick only worked on adults? Finally we sat and began preparing for the exam. We slowly made our way through the material. As we continued on, one thing became very clear to me. I was never going to be a scientist. It was now just after nine o’clock and I told her we’d better think about wrapping this up as I was expected home by nine thirty.

"Do you have to leave so soon?" she asked.

"I’m sorry Darla. Mom has been acting a bit strange of late and I really don’t want to upset her."

"I understand. Perhaps we can do this again tomorrow night? It’s the last chance we’ll have to study before the exam" she reminded me.

"I’ll have to check with my parents. Did you want to walk to school with me tomorrow?"

She looked at me and smiled, gratefully accepting my consolation prize. "You will ask your parents about tomorrow night, won’t you?" I promised her that I would. She caught me glancing at her makeup table again and noted that I did seem quite fond of it. I blushed slightly and told her I’d like to examine its construction some time. I packed my books, thanked her for inviting me over and began to make my way out. She grabbed my hand as we made our way down the hall, through the landing, and down the extremely wide stair case.

"Did you kids accomplish anything?" Mrs. Raspberry asked.

"Yes Mom, we covered quite a bit of the material" Darla replied.

"It was a pleasure meeting you Mrs. Raspberry" I said. I’d almost called her "ma’am." Somehow I didn’t think she’d take kindly to that. I said goodnight to them both and headed home.

Looking at my watch I noticed that I only had five minutes to make it home. The long way around was out of the question at this point. I found myself wanting to knock on Sam’s door as I passed her house. Pangs of longing assaulted me. I kept walking. As I opened the front door I heard voices from the living room. Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch deeply engaged in conversation. I got the feeling that something was wrong. Not wanting to get drawn into whatever it was, I simply said goodnight to both of them and made my way upstairs. Something indeed must be wrong, I thought as normally I’d have been given the 3d degree upon arrival.

I put thoughts of my parents aside and began preparing for bed. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, inspected my ears, and almost applied a coat of lipstick to my pouty lips. Fortunately, I didn’t have the tube with me and would have had to return to my room to retrieve it from my backpack. I also considered the possibility of waking up in the morning with lipstick all over my pillow. I selected a clean pair of pajamas, put them on, climbed into bed making sure that the alarm was still set for 6:50 and turned out the light.

"What’s she doing here?" Sam asked me, pointing at Darla.

"She’s a friend, is all" I replied.

"So, I’m just a friend, am I?" Darla screamed at me. I jumped half way out of my skin as beads of sweat began escaping from every pore. It took more than awhile before my heart slowed to a normal pace. I grabbed some tissues, wiped myself dry and went back to sleep….

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 8

Thursday

For once I awoke before the alarm went off. It had been a very good night’s sleep. Well, after the brief nightmare, that is. I wasn’t sure what would happen if Darla and Sam ever had a conversation. I was beginning to think that perhaps Sam wouldn’t care at all. What had she been doing to occupy her time, I wondered? Angry with myself for wallowing, I thought perhaps a nice long shower would help. Although I didn’t have a private bath as Darla did, I did have sole access to the one in the hall as Mom and Dad had their own bathroom. I was still half-asleep and sat down on the commode not caring about gender issues and relieved myself.

I pulled the shower curtain closed, reached in and adjusted the water temperature before stepping into the fine mist. As I shampooed my hair, I wondered if I should be thinking about conditioners. I’d never used them before, my hair looked all right, and at length I decided if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Having scrubbed my entire body, I had no excuse for staying in the shower, though I didn’t want to turn the water off. Somehow, the fine spray of hot water always made me feel better. Knowing I couldn’t stay there all day I finally turned the water off, toweled dry, and thought about what to wear. Life was a lot easier just a week ago. I hadn’t cared anything about my appearance. Now I was worrying whether my top matched my bottom! As most of the student body were now wearing jeans, I decided to go with the flow and selected a clean pair from my drawer. I found a red sport shirt in the back of the closet and put it on. I’d never worn it before having thought in the past that it just wasn’t me. I put on my sneakers, put my books back in my bag and checked my appearance in the mirror one last time before heading downstairs.

It was only 7:00 AM. I decided to make my lunch first and checked the refrigerator for lunch meat. Thankfully, Mom had stopped at the store and I made myself a turkey sandwich. All the while I was thinking about Sally and how this would show her I wasn’t a vegetarian. As I finished packing my lunch, Mom walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning Mom." I greeted her.

"Morning sweetheart," she replied. "How did your study date go with Darla?"

"I wouldn’t exactly call it a date Mom. It went fine and while we’re on the subject I was wondering if we could do it again this evening? The last exam of the year is on Friday and I really want to do my best. Besides, Darla has been a big help. She’s really good at this stuff."

Mom sighed audibly. "I suppose it’ll be all right John. I take it you won’t be home for dinner again?"

"Well Mom, there really wouldn’t be any time to study if I waited to have dinner with you and Dad."

"OK sweetheart. I hope you know what you’re doing though," she said somewhat mysteriously.

As I had the time, I took the long way round to Darla’s that morning. It was a perfect spring day and I almost found myself looking forward to it. Apparently Darla had been keeping an eye out for me because she came out the door just as I arrived. "Good morning John! That’s a very pretty shirt you’re wearing. Is it silk?" Was my shirt what? It did have a bit of a slippery feel to it. I thought it was nice. Still, her enthusiastic greeting made me break out in a wide grin. "Someone seems happy today." She said. I smiled even wider, if that’s possible. "Are you having problems with your tongue?" I don’t know why, but sometimes Darla had that effect on me. I simply found myself unable to speak in her presence. It didn’t happen always, but often enough.

I finally managed to get my mouth in gear and greeted her properly. "Good morning Darla! It’s a gorgeous day, isn’t it? It’s a shame we have to waste it at school." Though I’d never done it before, all at once the thought of skipping school with Darla seemed extremely appealing.

She smiled at me and said, "Let’s go."

She started talking about the upcoming science exam tomorrow and wanted my opinion as to what we should focus on that evening during our study date. I informed her that it was way too early in the morning for me to be thinking about science, but the fact of the matter was I hadn’t a clue. Seeing that I wasn’t in the mood to discus anything serious, she switched gears and asked me if I’d given any thought to attending the dance tomorrow night. In truth, I had forgotten all about it and told her so. What if I showed up with Darla and Sam was there? I started laughing as I couldn’t imagine Sam at a dance. Still, with all the strange things going on of late, anything was possible.

"Are they going to have a band?" I asked her.

"No silly, they are having a DJ. Some of the kids from the high school take care of the entertainment. They do it as part of a class project."

"Well Darla, the thing is, I really don’t know how to dance."

She laughed at that. "Do you think anyone else does?" I laughed at that and honestly replied that I had no idea what they knew or didn’t know. We continued on in this fashion as we made our way to school. Talking to her was becoming easier all the time and I found myself enjoying her vivaciousness. Moments later we arrived at school and as she’d done yesterday she told me she’d see me later. "Oh, I almost forgot, are you coming over this evening?

"Yes," I replied, "I’ll be there." She smiled at me and made her way inside. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of Darla’s behavior. Was she just being a friend or was it something more? The bell rang and I put away such thoughts for the time being.

As I made my way to my locker I caught a glimpse of Sam. She and Billy were walking down the hall together apparently lost in conversation. Seeing her with him made me both angry and sad. I got the books that I’d need from my locker for the morning classes and slammed the locker door shut a lot harder than was required. I entered homeroom and took my seat. I noticed that Mrs. Pembroke once again taking silent attendance. I laughed aloud as I thought that perhaps with the end of the school year less than three weeks away, she had finally learned our names. I garnered a few strange looks with my behavior but simply ignored them. Fortunately, there was a freight train off on the horizon and I busied myself counting the cars. I lost count a few times as my mind wandered off to more serious matters and in the end, I gave up.

The morning classes just sped by and before I knew what was happening the lunch bell was ringing. I was detained slightly before entering the cafeteria and when I arrived most of the students had already been seated. Once again Duncan occupied my former seat. I’m not sure what I’d have done if it had been empty, but I don’t think I’d have sat down. As I passed my former table I heard Billy say loud enough for anyone to hear. "Ah look, there goes Joan off to sit with "her" new girlfriends." At that my former friends broke into laughter, including Sam. I felt my face turn crimson, but I had the presence of mind to offer a response.

"They’re a helluva lot nicer than the girls I used to eat lunch with." The four of them went dumb. Just a few tables away however, Darla and Sally broke into laughter. I guess they had been watching the entire affair. Sarah however remained silent. Ah well, two out of three ain’t bad.

I sat in what was my new seat and began unpacking my lunch. I was almost finished doing so when Sarah broke out. "I thought I told you that you weren’t welcome here?" I looked first to Darla and then to Sally but they both just sat there staring at their food as if it was the most fascinating thing in the universe.

At length I replied "But I thought?" to which Sarah responded, "You thought wrong. Now go find yourself someplace else to sit." I waited a moment to see if Darla would at last rescue me, but she just sat there silently. Finally I replied "I never go where I’m not wanted" and began re-packing my lunch. I gave one last look to Darla and quickly got up and left. At that point, I couldn’t see myself sitting with anyone for lunch. Students were not permitted out of the building during lunch time, but I didn’t care. I simply couldn’t stay there. I quickly made my way out of the cafeteria without gathering any looks from the monitors. I made my way out the back door and found myself sitting on the steps. I was crushed. I folded my arms across my knees and put my head down as the tears flowed steadily. What the hell had I done to deserve this, I wondered?

The bell rang signaling the end of lunch and I decided to make my way back inside. I was not in the mood for any adult intervention and the only way to avoid that was by being invisible. The best way to remain invisible was to be where you were supposed to be, when you were supposed to be there. With my physical presence known, everyone just left me alone. The afternoon whizzed by in a fog. The final bell of the day rang and as I headed for the exit Darla said to me "John, you’re still coming over this evening, aren’t you?" I looked at her like she was out of her mind and kept walking.

There were indeed 144 cracks on the route home. Every time I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did. That reminded me of a joke I’d heard, though I didn’t understand it at the time. Pessimist: "Oh no, things couldn’t possibly get any worse!" Optimist: "Oh yes they can!" I really didn’t want to go home and I didn’t think Mom was expecting me. After my experience at the beach the other day, I decided to take a walk to the park. That was a mistake. I was sitting on the swings going as high as I could when they appeared. The new "fantastic four" appeared with gloves and bats and balls and began playing ball. Thankfully, they hadn’t seen me. Wanting to get out of the area as quickly as possible, I jumped from the swing as it was arcing towards the top. I was flying and came down in a heap about fifteen feet from my starting point.

I didn’t even think about moving, though I was pretty sure I was all right. I must have lost about a pint of water in tears before I decided that I couldn’t lay there forever. The four of them were lost in their game as I lifted myself up. I made my way out the long way behind the swings and through the woods. This was getting ridiculous, I thought. I searched my mind thoroughly for ONE good thing going on in my life and I came up empty. Deciding that decrying boys or girls wasn’t getting me anywhere, I simply muttered "people." All the way home I found myself singing that old quasi nursery rhyme: "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll eat a worm." I arrived home and made my way inside.

"Mom, I’m home!"

"Did you have a good day dear?" She asked with some concern in her voice.

"Yes Mom, I did! I’m going up to my room for a bit to take a nap, all right?" There were some pains that Moms just couldn’t cure.

"OK sweetheart, I’ll wake you up at 5 o’clock You don’t want to nap too long or you won’t be able to sleep tonight."

"Thanks Mom," I replied and made my way for my room. Not ten minutes later she shouted up to me.

"John, it’s your friend Darla on the phone!"

I felt like saying "OK Mom, tell her to go to hell!." In the end I said, "OK Mom, thanks! I got it!" I picked up the extension and waited till I heard Mom’s click. Darla began to say something and I placed the phone back on the receiver.

Five minutes later, my mother was screaming at me again. "John, it’s Darla! Pick up the phone."

I picked up the phone and said my voice trembling "What do you want?"

"John, I’m so sorry" she began.

"So am I," I interrupted and hung up on her yet again. It only took her two minutes to call back this time. I picked up the phone myself and waited for her to speak.

"Please John, just come over at seven as we planned and I’ll explain everything.

"If I agree will you promise to stop ringing my phone every two minutes?"

"YES!" she said enthusiastically.

"I’ll see you later Darla and please don’t call again." I hung up the phone. I looked at the clock and noticed that I still had time for a power nap. As upset as I was with Darla I was glad that she’d called. I then found myself wondering whether this was going to turn out the same way it had with Sam a few days earlier. One way to test my theory about romance screwing things up. Darla and I had not been romantic though…

Five PM arrived and my mother, more reliable than an alarm clock awakened me. "Time to get up," her voice echoed through the hallways. I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I’d cried more in these last few days than I had in my entire life. I thought crying was something only little kids did? I took care of business and washed my face. I had no desire to make myself "pretty" for anyone that afternoon. I just checked my face to make sure a human being was staring back at me. I sighed audibly as I remembered to twist those damned earrings. I was beginning to associate all of my troubles starting with the holes placed in my ears. I considered this for a moment and realized that wasn’t the case. One last look in the mirror, I gave myself my best fake smile.

I made my way downstairs and felt a serious rumbling in my tummy. I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast. I entered the kitchen and checked out the refrigerator. Not being wasteful, I retrieved my uneaten sandwich from lunch time and filled a bowl with potato salad. Mom did make the best potato salad I’d ever tasted. I poured myself a glass of milk and sat down to eat.

"What’s that you’re eating John?" Mom asked.

"Ah just some of your delicious potato salad," I replied.

"No, I meant the sandwich. If you’re eating that now, you’ll have nothing to take for lunch tomorrow."

"That’s all right, Mom," I said hoping that she wouldn’t open the refrigerator, see the substantial amount of turkey remaining and put the entire story together.

"All right dear, it’s your call. I guess we can save that frozen dinner for another time?" she mused. As she said that I found myself thinking of the possibility of attending tomorrow night’s dance.

"So, how are your ears holding up?" She asked me. I told her good so far and asked for how much longer I’d have to keep twisting them. Mom said that about three more weeks should do it. That seemed like an eternity to me and I said so. She laughed at my reply and told me I should be thankful she hadn’t had two holes placed in each ear as she’d originally planned. I was seriously beginning to wonder whether my mother had some serious mental illness that I hadn’t been told about.

"Yes Mom, well next time we go there I want to find out about getting my nipples pierced." That woke her up and shut her up. I laughed silently at my creative abilities. In an attempt to change the subject I asked her "Is everything all right with Dad?"

"What do you mean?"

I told her "Well, when I came home last night you two practically ignored me." Mom went silent for a moment before replying

"Yes John, everything’s fine." Just the way she said it, I found myself thinking that grown-ups had their secrets too.

I finished eating, cleaned off my plates and placed them in the dishwasher. I asked Mom if she was going to be ok before taking my leave. She assured me again that everything was fine and told me I’d better get a move on or I’d be late for my study date. I cringed visibly at that. Mom noticed, but didn’t say anything. I figured she knew something was up. I made my way back to my room and once again emptied my bag of everything but my science books. I seriously doubted that I’d be at Darla’s long enough to do any studying, but decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. I found myself in the bathroom yet again, staring at my reflection. Was I turning into some kind of narcissist? As that thought entered my head, I turned away from the mirror.

"Mom, I’m going!"

"Just make sure you’re home by 9:30, Joan." For awhile there I thought we were done with the "Joan" business, but I guess it wasn’t going to disappear that easily. That was one thing I didn’t miss about Sam. Her new insistence on calling me "Joan" and "girl" all the time. All right, perhaps I wasn’t being honest with myself, but at that very moment that’s how I felt. I made my way to Darla’s trying to imagine just what type of excuses she might have concocted for her behavior at lunch time. I couldn’t come up with anything that made sense and decided to just go and "let the chips fall where they may." Another old expression I’d heard my Dad use many times, but I still have no idea what it means… potato chips?

Looking at my watch, I noticed that it was almost seven. Not wanting to appear too eager, I made myself walk around the block. I arrived back at 7:05 PM. Darla answered the door before I could ring the bell. "Well, you would have been on time if you hadn’t walked round the block before returning," she commented. How did she know I walked around the block? Her comment made me a wee bit uneasy. "Please come inside." I entered hesitantly and wondered where her parents were. "Dad is still at the hospital," she informed me " and Mom had some kind of meeting tonight that she couldn’t miss." This should have been every fourteen year old boy’s dream but I found that it simply made me nervous.

"Are you sure my being here is all right?" . She looked at me like I had a screw loose and replied

"Yes John, it’s fine. Let’s go upstairs."

There was no place on this earth I’d rather have gone at that moment, but I found myself saying; "Wait, we can talk here first. I believe you have some explaining to do?"

She begged me to join her upstairs and told me that she’d explain it all in a minute. I had no idea what I was doing. I did like Darla and did hope that we could be closer "friends." I decided to put my hesitancy issues away and just speak from the heart. "OK Darla, let’s go." She smiled at that and reached for my hand as we ascended the stairs. Not sure why, but I did let her hold my hand as we made our way upstairs. We entered her room and she went to close the door. "Darla, please leave the door open."

She looked at me like I was nuts but replied, "all right John."

"So, what is it you want to say to me," I asked, tired of beating about the bush.

"Well John, it’s like this. Sarah and I have been best friends since third grade when her family first moved to our town. As we grew older our relationship evolved into something more than just friendship." Sarah’s comment to me that I was ruining everything was beginning to make sense. "John, the fact of the matter is: Sarah thinks she’s in love with me." I was more confused than I’d been just moments ago. How does one merely "think" they’re in love with someone and, more importantly, how does one tell the difference?

"That still doesn’t explain your behavior at the lunch table this afternoon:" I replied. Darla stood there staring at me with tears beginning to find an escape route from her eyes. I stood my ground and decided that I wasn’t going to be manipulated by such gestures ever again.

At last she said, "You’re right John, it doesn’t. There is no excuse for my behavior this afternoon. I can only promise you it will never happen again and hope that you can forgive me."

I considered her statement for the longest time. I did understand her, I could forgive her, but found myself wondering if she’d do the same for me and my relationship with Sam? And,. If the situation was reversed, would I abandon Sam for her? I honestly answered myself no, though I felt no need to inform Darla to my thought processes. Yes, we were kids and yes, kids weren’t supposed to know anything. But, I knew that all Sam had to do was say the word and I’d drop Darla like a hot potato. At last, back to the topic at hand I asked her "And what happens tomorrow at lunch time?"

Her whole body began to shake and she burst into tears. "I don’t know John," she cried. I felt so bad for her at that moment. I found myself with my arms around her, hugging her close, telling her we’d work it all out somehow. She melted in my arms. I knew that experience having done the same in Sam’s embrace.

"It’s going to be all right Darla, I promise." She had more faith in my words than I did as I felt all of the tension easing out of her body.

I held her close like that for more than awhile. At first she’d buried her head in my shoulders, but finally she reached up with her face and kissed me full on the lips. Her lips were soft and tender. Their caress soft and delicate. I found myself wanting to hold her and protect her from everything and anything. She looked deep into my eyes and whispered "Oh John!" I smiled at that. This was very different from holding and kissing Sam. In Darla’s eyes I was all boy and I had to admit that felt good. I found myself more confused than I’d ever been about the role of gender in relationships. I was beginning to come to the conclusion that gender as such didn’t matter, what mattered was how two people felt about each other. Sam wanted me to be her "girl" and that was good and Darla wanted me to be her "man" and that was good too. Somehow, I didn’t think life was meant to be this confusing.

"Darla," I whispered.

"Yes John?" she inquired.

"I think we really need to devote some time to studying. She smiled at that and considered me the practical one. I wasn’t sure how comfortable I felt in that role, but knew that I cared for this person very much and didn’t want to hurt her. We made our way to the study table and spent the next hour and a half going over the material. "Well, do you think we’re going to survive this ordeal?"

"If we don’t, you have to promise to walk me to summer school every day," she said and burst out laughing. As I was packing up my books I found my eyes once again lost on her makeup table.

"You really are fond of that table, aren’t you? Is there something you’re not telling me?" I blushed and smiled simultaneously and told her we could talk about it another time. She accepted that and asked me if I’d walk her to school tomorrow. I replied that I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do as I said my goodbyes.

The walk home was uneventful. I entered the front door and made my presence known. "Mom, Dad, I’m home!" A soft "woof" greeted me. "Hello? Anybody home?"

"In here John" came my mother’s voice from the kitchen. I walked in and there was Mom sitting at the table alone. She looked as though she’d been crying.

"Is everything all right Mom?" I asked with serious concern in my voice. "Where’s Dad?" She sat there staring at the table and told me that Dad had a very important court case in the morning and would be spending the night in a motel near the courthouse. That sounded reasonable enough, I supposed, but Dad had never done anything like that before. I walked over to her and gave her the biggest hug I could muster. She smiled at that and asked me how things had gone at Darla’s.

"I feel confident about tomorrow’s test," I lied, hoping that would be answer enough for her. She smiled again and told me I’d better get up to bed so that I’d be well rested for tomorrow’s exam. I wanted to ask her if it’d be all right if I went to the dance tomorrow, but seeing that sad look in her eyes, I decided that it could wait. I hugged her again, kissed her on the cheek, and whispered in her ear. "I love you Mom. You’re the best!" "Goodnight" we both said simultaneously and I made my way to my room.

I lay in bed wondering just what was going to happen at lunch tomorrow. Would Sam ever speak to me again? Then there was that damned science test to worry about too. It just seemed like more stress than someone of my tender age should have to deal with. That last thought made me smile and I got up and prepared myself for bed. I checked my alarm clock to make sure it was turned on. No need to adjust the time as I’d be heading to Darla’s for the third day in a row. I turned out the light and waited for sleep to embrace me. It didn’t take long…………….

Chapter 9

Friday on my Mind

The next morning the alarm sounded and I found myself reaching for the snooze button to grab an extra ten minutes of sleep. It seemed like I’d just hit it when it began sounding again. Was the damned thing broken? I opened my eyes, looked at the clock and saw that time had indeed passed. I dragged my body out of bed and got ready to greet the day. No time to dally in the shower, I washed up in record time. I felt free in a way that I can’t describe that morning. I selected clothing at random. It almost looked as if I’d put together a mismatched outfit on purpose. I smiled at the thought. I gave a quick glance to my reflection and combed my hair with my fingers. Good enough, I thought after a few seconds. I re-packed my book bag and made my way down to the kitchen.

Upon entering, Mom looked at me in surprise. "What’s this?" she inquired. "Mismatched clothes and it looks like you combed your hair with a lawn rake." She didn’t know how close to being right she was.

"It’s just me being me" I replied with a smile on my face. I really was in a good mood and had no idea why. I took my time eating my cheerios and got up to make my lunch. Fortunately, there was still plenty of turkey left for another sandwich.

"I thought you finished the turkey last night?" Mom asked.

"I guess there was more than you realized," I said. She let the matter drop for which I was thankful. I didn’t want a rehash of yesterday’s events leading to an explanation as to why I hadn’t eaten my lunch at lunch time.

The clock was closing in on seven thirty as I made my way to the door. "Good luck on your exam, sweetheart" Mom intoned.

"Luck? Who needs luck?" I laughed as I made my way out the door. I took the long way around. If I was two minutes late, then I was two minutes late. I almost had forgotten what it was like to feel "good" in the morning. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was totally about "me" and no one else. I wasn’t hanging my happiness on someone else’s coattails.

Surprisingly, I made it to Darla’s on time. As she had the two days previously, she came out to greet me. "John?" she asked looking me over carefully. "Is the circus in town?" I laughed out loud and took her statement as something of a compliment.

"Not to my knowledge," I said. "Do you know something I don’t know?"

"But you’ve been dressing so nicely all week," she whined.

"Let’s just chalk it up to a "casual Friday" then. Come on, we’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on." I found myself doing something I’d not done before. I reached for Darla’s hand and held it tightly as we began walking. She smiled at that and the day got a little better.

"Are you ready to hear how you did on the history exam?" She asked me.

I smiled again and not sure why, but I replied; "Darla, I’m ready for anything." For some reason my statement as to my own well being seemed to have lifted her spirits as well. We continued our journey silently, each lost in our own thoughts. We were a few minutes early in arriving and Sally who had just exited the bus came over to say hello.

"Are you guys ready for the science exam?" she asked. I simply laughed and Darla replied "Yes." I’m not sure why but I felt no ill will towards Sally and the lunch room incident yesterday.

The bell rang and we made our way inside. I found myself focused and totally determined to have a GREAT day! I sat in homeroom and thought about doing a last minute panic review of the science material. I then thought, it wasn’t necessary. I was going to do great on today’s exam. I wish I knew why I felt so fantastic that morning. If I could bottle those feelings and sell them, I’d be rich in no time at all. "Have a wonderful weekend, class" Mrs. Pembroke said as we made our way to first period. I wasn’t even worried about getting my history test back. This was totally amazing!

I took my seat and Mrs. Stratford announced "Class I have your exams graded, recorded, and ready to distribute." A nervous gasp was emitted from the crowd. "I’m going to call your names one-by-one. When I do, you will come up to my desk and retrieve your papers. Please place them face down on your desk upon returning. Your test contains both a numerical grade and an alphabetical one. One represents your efforts on this exam and the other your grade for the marking period. I hope I don’t have to explain which is which?" A bit of nervous laughter emerged this time and Mrs. Stratford began calling names. I watched the faces of those who returned to their seats upon obtaining their exams. Some were all smiles and some looked like they’d lost their best friend. I was too familiar with the latter look.

"Mr. Johnson" she called. I got up from my seat and walked to the front of the room thinking positive thoughts. I knew I had aced that exam. I took my papers and without looking at them returned to my seat and placed them face down as instructed. Anyone looking at my face for an indication as to how I’d done would have been at a loss. She continued calling names and finally I heard the name "Raspberry" and watched as Darla went to retrieve her own paper. I watched her face intently. She seemed slightly distressed. I sat there and looked out the window as the last few names were called. At last all of the papers had been distributed and it was time to review the test. I could delay it no longer. I turned my papers over and stared calmly at my grades. Test score: 100% semester grade "A." I heaved a sigh of relief. I did not however make any show regarding my performance. There were some shouts of "Yes!" and some groans too as Mrs. Stratford continued.

Those of you scoring less than 70% have an opportunity on Monday afternoon to redeem yourselves. Some of the material from this exam may appear on the makeup test. The range of scores was as follows and she proceeded to draw a bell curve on the blackboard. It seems that mine was the only perfect paper. No wonder Darla was upset. Anything less than perfect was unacceptable to her. I wondered why she put herself under such stress. Six out of twenty five had actually failed. I was surprised as it really hadn’t been all that difficult. I began worrying about lunch. I could see Darla asking me how I’d done and me saying that mine was the only perfect paper. Yeah, she’d back me up then, I laughed cynically to myself. Well, my goal initially had been to beat Sam. The best she could have done was "tie" me. It seemed a hollow victory though, inasmuch as I’d never get the chance to share that bit of information with her. Was I ever going to stop missing her?

Class ended and the rest of the morning progressed uneventfully. Lunch time arrived and I felt a knot growing in the pit of my stomach. I was determined to be "first" sitting down at the table. It’s kind of hard to tell someone they’re not welcome at "your" table when you’re sitting there first. I practically ran to the cafeteria without stopping at my locker before going in. I was indeed one of the first inside. I made my way over to the table against the wall and sat in the seat that I’d occupied for the last three days. Darla and Sally were the next to arrive. Darla smiled at me and Sally, sensing a brawl, did her best to ignore the situation. Finally Sarah arrived.

"I thought I told you yesterday that you’re not welcome here? Are you stupid or something?" I remained silent waiting for Darla to say something. I looked at her pleadingly for support. It seemed none was forthcoming. Sarah was about to begin her attack again when Darla interrupted her.

"Sarah, John is here as my guest. If you don’t like it, perhaps you can look for someplace else to sit?" Sarah made no effort to move. I found myself bringing up the topic of the dance that evening, asking them who was going and who wasn’t. Sarah didn’t seem placated. In a strange way I understood exactly what she was going through. I almost felt that if I had the "balls" I’d have broken the unwritten rules and been the "fifth" person sitting at my former table. The middle seat between Duncan, who now occupied my own and Jim who had sat next to me. I honestly felt bad for Sarah and did my best to acquiesce to her opinions. She did not seem mollified by my behavior though. I caught Darla’s glance and my own eyes conveyed a huge silent "thank you!" I could tell she understood as she smiled back at me. I wondered how Darla was at "hand language?"

Sally informed me that she, Sarah, and Darla were going to the dance this evening together (as if I didn’t already know that.) "Really?" I replied. "Do you think it would be all right if I joined you?" Darla looked at me, a very strange look: one that conveyed awe and delight.

Sally, without looking in Sarah’s direction said "Oh John, would you like to? That would be wonderful!" she exclaimed. I sat there thinking to myself "what a difference a day makes."

"So, we’ll all meet outside in front of the building at 7:30 right?" Darla inquired of the three of us. Sarah grunted non-comitally, while Sally and I gave her an enthusiastic "yes!" For a brief moment I wondered what I’d do if Sam did indeed show up this evening. At length I decided that Sam was making her own choices and they were her problem. I only wished that I could buy into my own rationalizations. I missed Sam more than I missed my next breath. The period bell sounded and we all made our way out of the lunch room.

Before I knew it I was sitting at my desk waiting for Mr. Benson to distribute the science exams. I channeled the positive spirits that seemed to be with me that day. No, I’m not into any kind of religion. I was just trying to maintain a positive outlook on the day overall. I received my copy of the exam and looked it over quickly. Fifty multiple guess (choice) questions worth two points apiece! "Yes!" I said aloud startling a few sitting within hearing distance. I’d never studied so diligently for a science test and thus felt a confidence I’d never known before. Mr. Benson went through the usual rigmarole, looked at the clock, calculated the time remaining in the class and told us we had 52 minutes remaining and to begin!

Unlike the history exam I’d taken on Tuesday, the answers jumped off the page at me as I progressed. I began thinking that if I performed well enough on this exam that I’d earn an "A" in science as well. I forced my mind back to the subject matter at hand. That was indeed the fastest and most satisfying hour I’d spent in science class all year. This time I finished fifteen minutes ahead of the bell and again felt no need to review my work. I looked over at Darla who seemed lost in thought as she reviewed the questions intently. No one had turned in their papers yet and I thought it might freak a few out if I turned my papers in that early. Ok, so I had evil thoughts sometimes, I laughed deviously. I handed my exam to Mr. Benson and thanked him for a year well spent.

"Well, technically, the year’s not over yet," he replied, his bow tie smiling at me. I smiled in return at his statement thinking to myself: "what a pompous ass" and returned to my seat.

The next ten minutes passed quickly and Mr. Benson announced to the distress of many. "Put your pens down and pass your papers forward." The bell rang and we made our way for the exit. There was a buzz about the room concerning the dance. Had I been that far off the radar, I wondered? A week ago I wouldn’t have even considered the end of the year dance. Now, I’d committed myself to attending without even having gained permission. Life was indeed strange. I made my way out into the hall and Darla collared me. "I want you over at my house at 6:30" she commanded.

"Why so early?" I whined.

"Seeing the way you dressed yourself this morning, I want to be sure you’re properly attired," was all she said.

"I’ll do my best," I informed her.

"Make sure that you bring two pair of pants and two tops besides what you’ve chosen for yourself."

"Why?" I asked her.

"Because, I’m choosing your outfit for the evening." I could sense shades of Sam all over again, but having aced the history exam and as far as I could tell the science exam as well, I simply said "OK."

"If I can’t be there at 6:30, I’ll call you all right?" She smiled but only for a second and told me that I’d just better be there by 6:30.

I was almost floating on air as I made my way home that afternoon. Cracks in the sidewalk, who cares?" I laughed to myself. Before I knew it I was at my front door and let myself in. "Mom, I’m home!" If I only had a nickel for every time I’d made that pronouncement.

"Joan darling!" came her reply. "How did your science exam go?"

"I think I did well Mom, but here look at this," I told her as I pulled out my history exam.

"A perfect score! Oh My!" She seemed lost in my success for a moment. "Sweetheart, what can I say? I’m so proud of you!" I wasn’t sure how or why but I sensed a look of victory in her eyes.

"Is everything all right Mom?" I asked her. I almost added; have you heard from Dad? I hate to admit to myself, even now, but my main concern that afternoon was being able to attend the dance that evening.

"Oh Joan!" she came over and hugged me. She literally lifted me off of my feet and spun me around. It felt glorious!

"Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Of course darling" she replied. "Well, there’s this end of the year dance tonight. Seventh graders are invited and Darla has asked me to go with her. Would that be all right?" The seconds passed. I watched the third hand on the kitchen clock as it slowly revolved around the base.

"I love you Joan!" Mom said at last. I knew that already, but that wasn’t the question, was it? I took her response as a "yes" and hugged her tightly.

"Oh Mommy, thank you!" I exhalted sincerely. " I have to be over at Darla’s by 6:30," I told her.

"And why is that?"

"Well, she saw how I was dressed this morning and she wasn’t too impressed," I said trying to make light of it.

"I suppose it doesn’t matter," Mom replied at last. "Besides, you’ve still got that spare frozen dinner in the freezer," she said and smiled sadly.

I knew I’d have to figure out just what was bothering Mom. I also knew that now was not the time. "Mom, I really think that nap yesterday helped in ways I can’t explain!" I exhorted.

"Are you telling me that you want to go and take a nap?" She laughed.

I found myself blushing as I replied "Am I that easy to read? You will make sure I’m awake by 5:30?" I asked her.

"Oh my! You’re going to sleep for that long?" It was not quite 3:00 PM and I found myself embarrassed by my request.

"Well, no Mom,. not that long" I tried.

"Just shut up and go take your nap. I will wake you at 5:00 PM" she said at last. I thanked her, hugged her, and told her I loved her as I made my way upstairs. I thought that five did indeed make more sense as I’d been ordered to bring along two different outfits other than what I’d chosen to wear. I just knew this was going to be a perfect day when I awoke this morning.

I found myself in bed at 3:05. Inasmuch as it wasn’t official bedtime, I decided to sleep in the buff. I couldn’t believe how free I felt lying there under the covers in the all-together. The feeling was so good that I began to wonder why I ever wore pajamas at all. That was the last thought I had as I drifted off to sleep. It was a blissful sleep and though it lasted for a short time, I felt as though I’d had a good "night’s" sleep.

"John, time to get up" my mother intoned. "Come here and tell me about your evening." I heard her request as I groggily regained consciousness and slowly made my way downstairs to discover just what was on her mind. My top was half unbuttoned, my jeans were a bit askew as I made my way to my usual chair at the kitchen table. Mom smiled at me as I sat down and brought me a cup of coffee. Was she trying to addict me to caffeine, I thought idly? I thanked her profusely and wrapped both my hands around the mug. It was black, just the way I liked it. I figured if you were going to drink something as foul tasting as coffee, there was no reason to try and mask the taste.

Mom sat down opposite me and asked me about my evening. "Well Mom, I have to be at Darla’s by 6:30" I responded.

"I thought the dance wasn’t till much later?" she said. Hmmm? How to handle this?

"The dance does begin at 7:30 Mom" I replied "but, Darla wants me there early to make sure I’m appropriately attired." I knew I’d explained this to her earlier. It wasn’t like Mom to forget a conversation we had.

It was still early but Mom told me, "you’d better go and get yourself ready then."

"I hope I have your permission to stay out till 10:30 this evening?" I begged.

"No Joan, you don’t." My hear sank. "However, if you’re not home by 11:00 PM I’m going to send the state police after you." I was soaring high above the clouds as I embraced her in my arms yet again and told her she was the "best" Mom in the universe!

At that point I reasoned that I was again in need of cleaning. I bade my mother farewell as I made my way upstairs to prepare myself for the evening ahead. Next thing I knew, I was in the shower with water cascadinng down all around me I felt so refreshed, I worried for a moment that I wouldn’t be able to sleep at evening’s end. It’s amazing the things you worry about when you haven’t got anything "real" to worry about. Speaking of real things to worry about, I wondered again if Sam might show up this evening. There just had to be a way that she and I could work things out. Remembering my dream from the other evening, I decided that the time to set things right with Sam would best be done in Darla’s absence. I turned off the shower and stepped carefully out of the tub.

I’d taken a very hot shower and the room was filled with steam. I opened the door slightly to let the steam escape and began drying myself off. As I did so I began contemplating what I was going to wear for the evening. Darla hadn’t really been serious about the clothes thing, had she? I decided to select the nicest clothes I could find and tell her that was all I had. Somehow, I thought that would disappoint her and in the end decided that one additional outfit would have to suffice. I really didn’t have three outfits that were suitable for such an occasion. I settled on a pair of navy blue slacks, a crisp white cotton dress shirt, and thought for a moment about wearing a tie. No one would be wearing a tie, would they? Just to be on the safe side I packed two in my bag. Along with what I was wearing, I also selected a pair of khaki pants and paired them with a light green colored polo shirt. I began to think that I should go with the khakis and in the end, I did so.

I carefully checked my image in the bedroom mirror. I picked up my hair brush and began fixing my hair. I twisted my earrings and at length I decided that all I needed was a bit of lipstick and perhaps some eye makeup. Why was I having such thoughts? I shook my head violently and went back to my self-inspection. I couldn’t resist the temptation and removed the tube from my bag. I just had to see how it would all look. I stood in front of the mirror and consciously applied the lipstick. It really did make me look pretty and I smiled. All of a sudden I heard footsteps on the stairs. In a panic, I grabbed the box of tissues and began ripping at my lips furiously in an attempt to remove the color.

"Are you almost ready John?"

"Give me a few minutes" I said "and don’t come in, I’m not dressed!" Mom laughed at that and reminded me that she’d seen me naked often enough. I wished I’d had some cream or something so I could remove the traces of color from my lips. I sat there using my saliva and wiping them until I couldn’t see the color any longer. I almost threw the tissues in my wastebasket and shuddered slightly at the thought of Mom finding them there.

Satisfied at last, I made my way out into the hall way. Mom stood there just beyond my door waiting for me. "Well, what do you think?" I asked her. She eyed me carefully and told me that I looked almost perfect.

"The only thing you need darling is a bit of lipstick." WHAT??? My mind screamed.

"What did you say Mom?" I asked her.

"You heard me," was all she said. We stood there staring at each other and I began to wonder about my "secret compartment" in my backpack. "You do look quite nice John, but I don’t think you should wear sneakers, do you?" We stood there face to face and then she licked her thumb. Had Mom gone totally round the bend? Seeing the inquisitive look in my eyes she smiled and placed her thumb on my lower lip and began wiping it. OH MY GOD! She knew! "Don’t worry sweetheart. It’s ok for girls to want to look their best." I felt like I was going into shock. I stood there frozen, unable to move. "Come on Joan. Let’s go get you something to eat." What else could I do? I grabbed my backpack and followed her down the stairs. We reached the kitchen. Mom opened the fridge and removed two pre-made salads.

I sat down opposite her and just had to ask. "How did you know?"

She eyed me for awhile as if trying to decide whether or not to clue me in. Finally, she said "remember when you came in here carrying that teddy bear? You had traces of lipstick on your lips. At first, I thought that Sam had been wearing it and that some had simply rubbed off on you. Then I realized that Sam wouldn’t wear lipstick. I’ve also noticed traces of it on your lips since then. Just let me know when you’re ready to talk about it."

I felt such deep gratitude for her and said "Thanks Mom."

"No problem, Joan sweetheart."

I wanted to ask her just why she was eating now and not waiting for Dad, but somehow I thought that topic would upset her and wisely, I didn’t say anything. It felt a bit strange eating a salad as my main course, but it also felt like the right thing to do. As we finished I took the plates, rinsed them off and put them in the dishwasher. "You’d better go and change your shoes" she told me. I’d forgotten all about them and ran up to my room and grabbed a pair of penny loafers from the closet. "That looks much better dear" she said as I came back down.

I found myself asking her, "Are you going to be all right this evening?"

She smiled at me and said, "Why, are you worried about your poor decrepit old Mom?" We both laughed at that. I gave her a big hug, told her I loved her and promised to be home by 11:00.

I’d never been allowed out alone till 11:00 before. I carried my backpack commando style not wanting to wrinkle my shirt. I arrived at Darla’s on time and her mother answered the door. "Good evening Mrs. Raspberry," I said. "I believe Darla is expecting me?"

"Darla, you’re friend John is here," she screamed up the stairs.

"Tell him to come on up" she yelled back. Her mother looked at me seriously and finally decided it would be all right

"Well, you heard her. I believe you know which room is hers?" Not needing any further prompting, I made my way upstairs.

"Oh John, you look lovely!" she exclaimed looking me over.

"Thanks. You don’t look so bad yourself."

"Did you bring the extra clothes?" She asked. I hemmed and hawed for a moment trying to decide whether or not to explain that I only had one other outfit worthy of consideration. At last I handed her my bag. She accepted it like a kid on Christmas morning and opened it up and removed the contents. "Only one other outfit John?" she asked sternly. "And what’s this?" she said as she went to open my "secret" compartment. I reached to grab it out of her hands but she pulled it away before I could accomplish my task. "Sit down John" she said and I made my way to the study table. "Not there," she said. "Over there," and pointed to her makeup table. Did the entire universe know about my "secret?" "I suspected something like this" she said removing the tube from my bag. "The way your eyes refused to move away from my cosmetics the other evening. How long have you been wearing lipstick?"

I looked at her and didn’t know what to say. "Just for a week," I said at last.

"Uh huh" she replied suggesting with her tone that I’d been at it a lot longer than that. "Well, don’t just sit there. Put it on" she said handing me the tube. Could I actually do this in front of her? My eyes began to water. "Stop that right now Missy. Now put on your lipstick like a good girl." I so wanted to do it but I just couldn’t. Finally she said, "here give it to me." I didn’t think for a moment that she intended on using it on herself, still, I gave her the tube. "Now pucker up." I sat there facing her and at last, did as she ordered. She gently coated my lips and looked at me in surprise. "Oh John, I had no idea!"

"No idea about what?" I asked her in as deep a voice as I could muster.

"That you’d look so pretty wearing lipstick." I blushed and soon the rest of my face was as red as my lips.

"Thank you Darla," was all I could think of to say.

"You like the way it looks, don’t you John?"

I couldn’t deny it and simply said "Yes."

"I don’t suppose I can continue calling you John while you’re wearing that," she said and seemed lost in thought for a moment. "I know! And it’s so obvious, I’d almost bet you’ve heard it before, haven’t you Joan?"

There was no escaping "Joan" I thought as she continued on. "I still can’t get over how such a simple thing could make such a huge difference" she droned on. She told me to stand. I started to protest. "Just shut up and kiss me!" I stood, drew her close and we kissed. It wasn’t like kissing Sam. There weren’t any thunderbolts about, but it was very, very nice. Finally she said "You’d better remove that before we go out. Somehow, I don’t think my parents would approve." She laughed and handed me the jar of cold cream. I looked at the jar not knowing what to do with it. "You’re kidding right?" she asked. " "How do you remove it," she asked me? I told her of my tissue removal method and she burst out laughing. She removed the cap from the jar and applied a thin layer of the goop to my lips. "Just let it sit there a moment" she advised. "Now, take a tissue and wipe it off." It all came off so easily I couldn’t believe it. I began to stand up when she said "sit" as she would giving instruction to a dog. She began studying the many color choices available on her table.

"What are you looking for?"

"Just sit there and remain quiet" she said.

She selected a color at last and told me pucker up again. "Darla," I reminded her, "we’re almost out of time."

"Just shut up and do as you’re told," she demanded. I sat there as she repeated the procedure. "Perfect!" she said at last. "Take a look at yourself." I looked up in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. The color of my lips hadn’t changed, but they contained a bit of gloss almost as if I were simply wearing chap stick.

"Darla, I can’t wear this outside."

"You can, and you will," she said authoritatively. I began reaching for the tissue to wipe my lips clean. "If you do that Joan, you can just go home now." There was no sign of sympathy in her eyes.

I sighed audibly and said in a pouty voice, "all right Darla, I won’t." She turned her back on me and walked over to my bag. As she was doing so I seriously considered wiping my lips clean. Not because I didn’t like the look, I did. I just didn’t want to hear about it from anybody else.

As if reading my mind, her voice assaulted me. "Joan, trust me, no one is going to notice your lipstick." I looked at myself in the mirror again and I wasn’t too sure about that. She gave me the tube and told me to put it in my pocket. "Too bad you don’t have a purse," she laughed. "Oh and you’d better bring your compact too," she said handing it to me. I took it and put it in my pocket not wondering just what I’d need it for.

It seemed I was slowly accumulating a lipstick collection. She told me to get up as she needed to complete her own makeup. As she began applying her mascara she smiled, stood up and told me to take the seat again just for a moment. Now what, I wondered?

"Just open your eyes wide Joan."

"No!" I replied in an attempt to put my foot down.

"You do want to go to the dance with me, don’t you Joan?"

Somehow I knew this technique had been used on me before by Sam. "Good, now open your eyes wide and keep your head steady." She took this brush full of black gunk and rolled it around on my upper eyelids. She stared into my eyes and smiled. For a moment I thought she was going to do the lower lids as well but thankfully she decided that that would be just a bit too obvious. "Now look at yourself in the mirror," she requested. I couldn’t believe the difference. My eyes seemed to look bigger somehow. "You’re going to be the prettiest girl at the dance," she said then added, "well, after me of course." She pulled me out of her chair, sat down, and finished her face.

"You look stunning," I whispered.

"Come on Joan, we’d better get going or we’re going to be late.

"Darla, about this "Joan" business," I said.

"Yes Joan?" she asked.

"Please don’t call me that in front of anyone else, ok?"

She considered this for a moment and at last replied, "OK."

"I’m not kidding Darla," I warned her.

"Message received," she said and then added, "Let’s go!" We made our way downstairs and Darla hollered out to her mother "Mom, we’re leaving now."

"Are you sure you don’t want a ride," she asked? Darla laughed and informed her mother that it wouldn’t look too cool to be driven to the dance by her Mommy.

"All right then, I’ll be there at 9:30 to pick you two up." A ride home was news to me, but I guess it made sense.

"OK Mom, we’ll see you later!" She said and we left. We held hands as we walked. Each reached for the other and our fingers intertwined. "Did you ever work things out with Sam," she asked as we continued to walk?

"Huh?" I replied.

"All right, I guess you still don’t want to talk about it." I remained silent and we continued on our way. "You got that red lipstick from her, didn’t you Joan?"

"Yes, I did," I replied. "Now can we please change the subject?"

The rest of the walk passed quickly. Darla dragged me to a halt about a block away from school. "Joan, you have to promise me something."

"What?" I asked.

"That we’ll dance the last dance together," she replied.

As I replied "Of course" she kissed me gently on the lips. We arrived at school and there were a ton of kids gathered outside. I was secretly hoping that we’d be unable to locate Sally and Sarah, but of course that was not to be.

"Darla," Sally said, "you look beautiful. So do you John," she added as an afterthought. I didn’t take any offense at having been called "beautiful." I knew Sally didn’t have a malicious bone in her body.

I looked them all over and replied "I’m the luckiest guy here."

"Why," Sally asked?

"Cause I get to escort the three prettiest girls in the school to the dance," I said gallantly. Sally did indeed look pretty. I suppose I’m a bit biased, but Sarah looked as though she’d tried too hard. As it neared seven thirty we joined the line to enter the building.

"Do you have any money John?"

"Money? What for?"

"There is no charge for the dance, but they are collecting donations to aid the hurricane victims." I removed my bills from my wallet. I only had five dollars left all in singles. Darla grabbed them out of my hand before I could protest and said "Thanks John, you’re the best!" I stood there for a moment staring at my now empty wallet and put it back in my rear pants pocket. She made our donation and we walked inside. The dance was being held in the gym. I couldn’t believe the transformation, . Crepe paper streamers were strung everywhere. Helium filled balloons were scattered about suspended in mid air by string. It reminded me of a political convention I’d once seen on TV. The room was a cacophony of discordant sounds. The music hadn’t started yet.

A voice came over the PA system "All right everybody listen up Is everyone ready to party?" It was not a rhetorical question and a reply was required. "I can’t hear you!" it said at last.. The crowd offered a reluctant "YES!" in unison and the voice realized that that was as good as it was going to get. The music began playing.

I looked at my side where Darla stood just moments ago and realized I was alone. Where had she gone off to, I wondered? Finally I saw her and Sarah off in a corner engaged in heated conversation. I really didn’t want to come between the two of them and headed off in their direction to tell them exactly that.

As I began walking Sally spotted me. Sensing my intentions she came over and grabbed my arm. "John, just leave them alone. There’s nothing you can do to help." I stood there thinking she was wrong, but in the end I stayed out of the way. Sally said "dance with me." I tried to explain to her that I hadn’t a clue when it came to dancing but she just dragged me out on the floor. It seems the entire female population was dragging me about these days. The music droned on and Sally began moving to the beat. "Just watch me and do what I do" she suggested. I stood there beyond embarrassed and she shouted "Come on.!" I began awkwardly moving to the music. "Just relax John,. You’re doing fine." I smiled at that and found myself moving more fluidly in response to the beat. "I knew you could do it" she said. "You’re a natural."

As I’d found myself saying too often these days, I replied "you’re not so bad yourself."

We kept dancing as one song segued into the next. Before I knew it we’d danced to four songs in a row. "Sally, I really need a break." Standing there quite thirsty and without funds I asked her; "Sally, could you spare a few dollars?" She asked me if I hadn’t brought any money. I explained the situation with Darla as we came in. She laughed. "Well, that’s one reason I’m glad you’re here. If it hadn’t been you, it would have been me," she said with mock sincerity. She asked me how much I wanted and I told her that three dollars would see me through the evening. I also told her that I’d give it back to her first thing Monday morning or, if she really needed it I could drop it off at her house. Of course, I had no idea where she lived, but the girl was doing me a favor after all. "It’s all right John, you can give it to me Monday" she said handing the bills over.

"What would you like to drink?" I asked her. She laughed and told me a "Coke" would be perfect. I made my way to the machines, purchased two of them and returned to where I’d left Sally moments ago.

You want to tell me what’s going on between Sarah and Darla?"

"I think Darla had better tell you herself," she replied. I considered doing just that. The both of them were still over in the corner lost in conversation.

"I think I will," I said as I started to make my way towards them.

"Not now John. I thought I’d made that clear to you?"

"Then you’ve got to give me something" I told her. She sighed and led me over to a section of bleachers that had been left open so the students would have some place to sit.

"Follow me" she said as she made her way up into the rafters. "Before I tell you anything, you’ll have to promise to never reveal a word of our conversation to anyone." I looked her steadily in the eyes and promised. "Well John, you see it’s like this," she hesitated for a minute before continuing. "Darla and Sarah have been lovers." Lovers, I thought? I remembered that Darla had said she thought that Sarah "loved" her, but lovers? I’d never made the connection. Suddenly Sarah’s actions made perfect sense.

"Well, what happened?" I asked after a time.

"You did!" she informed me. "Here’s something that you may or may not have figured out," she said. "Darla has had a thing for you for a long time. When she noticed that you walked to and from school alone she thought it was time she made her move.

"But if she’s a lesbian (the word stuck on my tongue) what would she want with me?"

She looked at me and said "Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately?" and laughed just a bit. "Oh, by the way, you really need to touch up your lipstick." I sighed audibly and found my whole body shaking involuntarily. The vibrations literally shook the bleachers. I could tell that she really wanted to comfort me but was reluctant to hug me in front of the whole school. As I’d lost control of my body for the moment, she reached across and put her arms around me and pulled me close. "It’s all right Joan.".

OK, enough was enough. "Why did you call me that?"

"It’s your name, isn’t it?" She smiled at me. And here all the time I thought that my "middle name" had been a complete secret.

"How did you know that?"

"It’s not important Joan, what is important is how everyone’s going to handle this situation. If you want my opinion," she said at last.

"Yes please!" I begged.

"Well, I think you’re an experiment for Darla. She wants to find out if she could really be attracted to a, dare I say it "boy?"" I looked at her speechless. I absolutely had no idea how to respond. Did everyone think of me as a "girl" I wondered? This was all news to me. In a week’s time my entire world had been turned upside down. I wanted to cry but remembered the mascara. The last thing I needed in the world were raccoon eyes. "You really ought to fix your lipstick," she said. "Go ahead, I’ll cover you."

"How do you know I’m carrying lipstick?"

She smiled at me as if I was a babe in the woods. "Do you have it with you?"

"Yes," I replied at last.

"Well, go ahead and put it on then girl," she demanded. "Somehow I don’t think they’ll let you into the girl’s room, though I honestly can’t see why not." I began shaking again and Sally told me to just calm down. I did and at length I took the tube and the compact out of my pocket. She watched me as I put it on and said "You are indeed a natural." I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that. I sat there checking my face. It was perfect.

"Come on. We can’t sit here all evening. Someone will get suspicious. Besides, I don’t want Darla mad at me. Remember your promise Joan!" I was at the point where I was ready to give up insisting that people call me "John." It seemed everyone was intent on calling me "Joan" despite any protestations from me. I did like the name and smiled as I thought of my mother while doing so.

"OK Sally, you want to dance?" I asked her as we made our way down the bleachers.

"I thought you’d never ask," she replied as we climbed down. An awkward moment hit as we reached the dance floor. A slow song began playing.

"Errrr Sally," I said.

"Shut up and dance with me" she said as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders. It felt really nice having Sally’s arms wrapped around me. At some point during the dance she placed her head on my shoulder. I just smiled as we continued to sway to and fro. The dance ended and someone was tapping Sally on the shoulder. It was Darla.

"So, you’re attempting to steal my new girlfriend?"

"No Darla! Not at all. I was just watching her for you while you were otherwise engaged." Darla smiled at her and apologized.

"I was only kidding Sally," she added. Sally heaved a sigh of relief and announced that she needed some air.

That left me and Darla standing alone together on the dance floor. "Did you straighten things out with Sarah?" I asked.

"Don’t worry about Sarah" she said and then added "Oooh! You’ve freshened your makeup." I blushed but didn’t deny it. I asked her if she’d like something to drink. I was still thirsty. The soda earlier hadn’t done the trick. "I thought you gave all of your money to the less fortunate? Were you holding out on me? " I told her that indeed I wasn’t and explained that I’d borrowed a few dollars from Sally. "Oh, so now you are borrowing money from my friends?" Were all females this crazy, I almost wondered aloud.

"I am going to pay her back Darla," I said at last.

"Let’s not fight over something so silly. And yes, I would like a soda."

"Any particular flavor?" I inquired.

"Surprise me," was all she said.

I made my way out into the hall, looked up and almost fainted dead away. Not twenty feet from me stood Sam walking slowly and holding hands with Billy. Sam came to a dance was my first thought. With Billy, was my second. I couldn’t think straight. The adrenaline surge almost had me foaming at the mouth. I attempted to calm myself and at last reminded myself that I was officially here with Darla. I found myself wanting to do a lot more to Billy than simply knocking him on his ass with a soccer ball. I stood in the queue and waited my turn to purchase some drinks. I know that Sam saw me, but she didn’t say anything and just kept on walking hand in hand with Billy. I found myself wishing that the earth would just swallow me up. That didn’t happen though and eventually it was my turn to make a purchase. I punched some buttons at random. Well, at random after discovering that the Coke had been sold out. I walked back into the gym and told Darla "you have two choices orange or mountain dew." She looked at me as if I’d read her mind, smiled and removed the mountain dew from my hand. I was glad of that as I couldn’t stand the stuff.

It was time to sit down and talk things over with Darla. "Are you having a good time?" she asked me. Having seen Sam just moments ago walking hand in hand with Billy, I knew the answer to that question.

"It’s all been very interesting," I replied cryptically. She took my answer as a "yes" and didn’t continue on in that vein.

"The dance is going to be over soon," she informed me.. I honestly had no idea what time it was.

"It is?" I replied.

"Yes Joan, it is," she said sadly.

"It’s all right Darla" I reassured her "There’s always tomorrow." She smiled at that, pulled me close and kissed me. "Darla" I began "Is there something between you and Sarah that I should know about?" The look on her face betrayed her thoughts.

"What do you mean, Joan?"

"It’s just that you and Sarah were lost in conversation for the longest time," I replied. Knowing the real story but unable to reveal the truth of that to her, I felt helpless. Damn, I hated secrets. "I just thought that Sarah might be happy for the both of us." I said in an attempt at clarification.

Darla, to her credit, explained just what was going on between her and Sarah. Perhaps she suspected I already knew? "If you are indeed a lesbian," I found myself saying "just what do you want from me?" I almost said that like I was begging for someone to recognize that I was indeed a boy.

"Joan" she replied "You’re beautiful and gentle. You’re nothing like a boy at all." I knew she intended that as a compliment, but I took umbrage.

"Darla," I informed her "I am indeed a boy."

"Really? With those lips and eyes and ears?" She seemed ready to continue on into infinity when I cut her short.

"Darla, when all is said and done, I am indeed a boy." I said matter of factly. She seemed unsure whether or not to grant me that..

At last she said,. "yes Joan, you are and I’m sorry." Why was it every time someone apologized to me I found myself in their debt?

The announcement came that the last song of the evening would be playing in a few minutes. " Please find your partners now. " a disembodied voice intoned. I looked at Darla, remembering my promise and she walked with me to the dance floor. I couldn’t believe it! The last song of the evening was to be Savage Garden’s "Santa Monica." I heard the first few notes of the song and pulled Darla close to me. I found myself cooing the lyrics in her ear as the song unfolded. She seemed to melt in my arms. I smiled, and for a moment felt myself on top of the world: "but on the telephone line I am anyone, I am anything, I want to be I could be a super model, a caped crusader and you wouldn’t know the difference, or would you?" She looked up at me with "hope" in her eyes. I smiled back and held her closer still. Darla, I thought, this is all so wrong, but I feel so happy at this moment. She floated in every and any direction I moved. The song ended and I kissed her tenderly on the lips. She whispered softly into my ear "I love you Joan." Her pronouncement made me happy and sad simultaneously. I did have very deep and protective feelings for her, but I knew deep down that I’d always love Sam.

As the song ended, we were thanked for attending the dance. Those that had made the arrangements wished us all a safe trip home. I saw the look of sadness in her eyes and kissed Darla again. We finished and she looked at me expectantly. "I guess we’d better go outside and wait for your Mom to arrive?"

"She’s probably already out there, " was her resigned reply.

"Darla, are you doing anything tomorrow?" I asked her not wanting this night to end.

"What are you asking me Joan?" she replied. I sighed and told her I just wanted to know if she’d like to get together this weekend.

"Well, I do have an appointment at the salon in the morning. Perhaps we could meet in the afternoon?" she stated hopefully.

"What time?" I said.

"Is One PM too late for you?"

I told her that would be fine as I had a fair amount of work to accomplish in the morning. She looked at me quizzically, but said nothing. We made our way outside and found ourselves searching for Mrs. Raspberry’s Mercedes.

It wasn’t long before we found it amid the vehicles waiting for their teen-aged children to arrive. "Did you kids have a good time?" Mrs. Raspberry asked.

I considered all of the things that had happened and responded for both of us "yes, Mrs. Raspberry, we had a great time." She seemed appeased at that and made her way home.

"Where do you live John?" she asked me. I gave her my address and she proceeded to it.

"Darla, I guess I can pick up my bag tomorrow?

"Of course Joan," she replied and said nothing else. The ride home was far too short and we reached my home in minutes.

"I’ll see you at one o’clock tomorrow then?" By way of reply she simply squeezed my hand three times rapidly. I was worried for both myself and her by her response. Was I leading her on? I gained control of my emotions and kissed Darla sweetly under the watchful eyes of her mother in the rearview mirror.

"Goodnight Darla!! Goodnight Mrs. Raspberry!" I said as I exited the vehicle.

"Joan!" She implored. " Just remember," and she squeezed my hand three times again. I was in a total daze as I made my way for the front door. Mrs. Raspberry, it seemed was not going to leave until I made my way safely inside. I fumbled with my keys and at last had the right one in the lock. I looked back and waved as I entered my humble abode.

"John, it’s not quite ten o’clock?" my mother’s voice greeted me.

"Should I go out and wander for a bit before returning?" I asked her.

"No!" she said. "Come here and tell me all about your evening." I walked slowly towards her wondering with each step where Dad was.

I couldn’t ignore the situation any longer and asked her "Mom, where’s Dad?" She smiled at me confidently and told me he’d already gone to bed.

"WHEW!" I felt happy for Mom and relieved for myself.

"Tell me about your evening?" she said again.

"Well Mom, it was like this…" I said and began explaining the evening’s events. She listened patiently and asked at length if I’d seen Sam. My eyes began watering and I was within seconds of a total meltdown when she informed me that she’d heard from Aunt Alice that Sam would be attending the dance.

"Are you all right, Joan?" she asked me. By way of follow up she told me that she loved my new lipstick. "Did Darla give that to you?" I looked at her slack-jawed, unsure how to reply. "It’s hardly noticeable at all" she said before I could say anything. "Oh, and let me see your eyes! Damn it, you should have been a girl" she said at last.

"So, you’d prefer a lesbian daughter to a healthy son then?" I said and we both broke into laughter. "Did you go shopping for your dress?" I asked. I was hoping that she had and that I wouldn’t have to accompany her on another shopping venture.

"No" she replied "I thought we could do that tomorrow night. We did have such fun last Saturday." Sensing her still somewhat delicate mood I told her that I’d love to go with her. Part of me wasn’t sure if I was being honest with myself.

We said our goodnights and I made my way up to bed. I decided that I was done hiding my makeup and put it in my top dresser drawer. I made my way to the bathroom and took care of business. Back in my room I opened my dresser drawer and began removing a fresh pair of pajamas and then remembered this afternoon. I smiled, put them back in the drawer and laughed as I thought: one less thing to wash. I made sure my alarm was in the off position. I didn’t need to be up early and crawled under the covers. It really did feel fantastic lying there in the buff. My last thoughts were of Darla squeezing my hand as I drifted off to sleep……….

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 10

Riding Around "On A Carousel"

"Woof Woof!" I heard paws scratching at my bedroom door. It had been a very long time since Shandy had awakened me in this manner. I jumped out of bed and remembered I was naked. "Just a minute girl," I said as if she could understand me. She did quiet down though and I went through my hamper looking for some dirty clothes to put on. I wasn’t going to waste clean ones doing chores. Finally, I opened the door and Shandy bounded in and jumped up on my bed. Her tail was wagging at breakneck speed. "What are you so happy about girl?" I asked her. She almost seemed to smile at that and rolled over on her back, paws spread wide waiting for me to rub her belly. I did as she requested and hugged her tightly to my chest. Looking at my clock I noticed that it wasn’t yet eight. "Have you been out yet girl?" I asked her. She woofed again and I thought that this dog was smarter than some people I knew. I put on a pair of sneakers and we made our way downstairs.-

She ran straight to the backdoor and stood there looking back at me expectantly. "I’m coming," I said to her and opened the door to let her out. Thankfully she didn’t expect me to go with her and made her way to her favorite watering hole. A different kind of watering hole, I laughed to myself. Wondering whether I should eat first or mow first, I decided on the latter. Had it really only been a week ago that I was outside thinking about mowing Sam’s lawn for her? How could I ever forget about her with her bedroom window in sight of my front yard? I decided there and then that I was going to straighten things out with her today. I hope she hadn’t murdered teddy. I chuckled aloud at that and mowed the lawn in record time. Thinking it might somehow gain her attention I cut the grass from front to back instead of straight across as I normally do. The lawn finished, I made my way back inside the house. What to do next? Eat? Shower? Start a load of laundry? So many choices!

I wasn’t too hungry and decided to start a load of wash and then hit the shower. Laundry sorted and first load in, I made my way to the bathroom. As I finished up, I put on some clean clothes and fixed my hair. I decided to see if the new lipstick would be noticeable in daylight. It wasn’t and I made my way boldly downstairs. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in and I almost turned around and ran away.

"Good morning John" he said.

"Morning Dad" I replied doing my best to not think about my mauve colored lips.

"Got anything exciting planned for today?"

"Well, I have to finish my chores and I’m meeting Darla later. I’m not sure what we’re going to do though,." I replied.

"You mean you’re not getting together with Sam today?" he asked.

"I don’t think so Dad," I said as I made my way to the cupboards and began making my breakfast.

He sat there silently for a moment and simply said "Oh." Thank god for disinterested parents I thought to myself.

I sat there staring at the coffee pot and found the urge to have a cup. Dad meanwhile had gone back to reading his paper. I poured myself a cup and asked Dad what his exciting plans were for the day. He laughed at that and said that he had to go into the office as usual. For a brief moment I found myself worried that he’d sabotage the shopping trip with Mom this evening. Did I really want to go shopping with my mother on a Saturday night? It’s bad enough when others can’t figure you out. When you can’t figure yourself out, that’s something quite different. I told Dad I’d see him later and made my way upstairs to get the second load of laundry ready. Two hours later my chores were done for the day.

Mom was in the kitchen and smiled at me as I walked by. "You really have earned your allowance this week Joan" she said. "Are you going to be wearing that from now on?" She pointed at my lips.

"I don’t know Mom" I replied without missing a beat. "It just felt like the right thing to do this morning." She smiled at that and told me not to forget about our shopping trip this evening.

Mom gave me my allowance and I went upstairs to put a fiver away. I kept the funds in a tiny fireproof lock box. I was tempted to count it, but remembered the last time I had done that. I wound up wasting $75.00 on a stupid electronic game. I believe I’d played it all of three times before it became clutter in the back of my closet. I looked down at my remaining funds and realized I still owed Sally $3.00. That left me with $12.00 for the week. I hoped Darla didn’t expect me to pay for everything. Well, if she did, she was going to be severely disappointed. I smiled at that and found myself thinking of Sam.. It was just after eleven and I decided to give her a call.

The phone rang and rang and at length her mother picked up. "Hi Aunt Alice, can I speak to Sam please?"

"Well, you could if she were here," she laughed. Before I could say anything else, Aunt Alice went on to inform me that Sam had gone to the baseball game. What game was that, I wondered? Then I remembered Billy and the school team. My heart sank.

"OK then, I’ll catch her another time," I said as cheerily as I could.

"I’ll tell her you called John," she replied before hanging up. I thought back as to how all of this had come about. The entire matter seemed to hinge on my inability to tell her I loved her the last time we spoke. I was glad I’d called from my bedroom phone. No one would see me weeping into my pillow. I decided that it was probably for the best that she wasn’t home this morning. What if she’d wanted to get together? I’m sure she’d have been thrilled to know that I’d made other plans. Not wanting to give up hope, I resolved to call her again tomorrow.

I poured through my books just to make sure I didn’t have any homework to worry about for Monday. I didn’t. I had but one test remaining for the year. This was slowly shaping up as the best marking period I’d ever had in my life. I couldn’t help feeling good. I wish I had some mascara to go with this lipstick. Yes, I was reasonably certain that I was losing my mind. Perhaps it was hereditary? I fixed my hair "just so," but knew it wouldn’t stay that way. I made my way into Mom’s bedroom and borrowed her hair spray. I smiled at the end result. It was firm enough, but didn’t appear to be glued in place. I made my way back to my room and twisted my earrings as I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. It was getting harder all the time to see John in there. No matter what I did these days, it seemed that this innocent young girl would stare back at me.

It was getting near time to leave. Should I eat something before leaving, I wondered? I didn’t feel hungry at all and decided not to. I thought back to the salad I’d had for dinner last night and was amazed that something so light could have been so filling. I had to drag myself away from the mirror. This was getting ridiculous.

I descended the stairs just waiting for the proper time to leave. I found myself wishing I had something to carry my lipstick in. It made a slight bulge in my tight jeans. Finally at 12:45 I bade my parents goodbye. " I’ll be home by 5:30, " I promised. There was no need to worry about walking past the Peters’ residence. Sam wasn’t at home. I took my time as I made my way to Darla’s. I found myself wondering just why she’d gone to the "salon." As far as I could tell, she looked perfect the way she was. I arrived at her house a few minutes early and decided that I wouldn’t take an extra trip around the block this time. I went up and rang the doorbell. Dr. Raspberry answered.

"Yes, may I help you?"

"Errrr, yes sir. My name’s John Johnson and I’m here to see Darla,." I offered with great timidity.

"Ahhhh! Come on in John, I’ve heard a lot about you." He’d heard a lot about me? What had he heard? I almost laughed aloud. "Darla and her mother should be here any minute," he announced at last. "Would you like something to drink?" I almost replied.. sure, I’ll have a scotch neat. I’d heard my Dad ordering that a few times, but wasn’t really sure what it meant.

"No, thanks sir, I’m good." He smiled at me and seemed to hold my eyes a bit too long. I was getting the creeps. Just then, Mrs. Raspberry pulled into the driveway. I exhaled an audible sigh of relief as Darla came crashing through the front door.

"Darla!" I exclaimed.

"John!" she shouted in return. It all seems so silly now, but at the time, it was something else.

"Let me look at you!" I said as I eyed her critically.

"John, what are you doing?"

"Well, I just couldn’t imagine how someone as pretty as yourself could possibly be in need of a beauty salon." She gushed higher than Old Faithful. Her father eyed me as if I was a snake oil salesman. Mrs. Raspberry came in the door carrying some bags.

"Mom can I take John up and show him?" she asked excitedly.

Her mother glanced at her father who said "I’m not so sure about that," when Mrs. Raspberry cut in. "It’s fine dear, go ahead."

Darla grabbed the bags from her mother and bounded up the stairs. I followed at a close distance behind. She made her way into the room, threw the bags on her bed, and ran to me and hugged and kissed me till my knees felt weak. I knew I had some reservations, but damned if I could think of what they were at that moment. "Joan" she said. "I love that you’re wearing my lipstick." My thoughts as to that stuff being invisible went totally out the window. "Stop thinking and just kiss me," she demanded, seeing the gears in my head attempting to turn. I did as she ordered and found myself wondering just who the hell someone named "Sam" was. "Earth to Joan" she issued in a monotone. I hugged her tightly before letting her go.

"I can’t believe it," I said at last. "You look even prettier than you did last night!" She smiled at me and told me to stop. I had more and began again.

"No, I mean it Joan. Stop!" Her last comment brought me back to reality and I did indeed stop.

"Are we OK?" I asked her.

"That depends" was her reply. Oh No! More games, I found myself worrying. "John, sit yourself down at my makeup table and let me fix your eyes" I hated to admit it, but I was hoping that she’d say something just like that.

I found myself seated at her table quietly, expectantly. She picked up her mascara and began applying it to my lashes. This time a light coating on my upper lids was not enough. She told me to keep my eyes open wide and stare at the ceiling as she did my bottom lashes as well. I didn’t think this could make much of a difference, so I complied without question. "That’s much better" she declared at last. "Here, have a look." I gazed at my reflection and said hello once again to "Joan" who had been staring back at me so frequently of late. I had to admit, this time Joan looked a lot cuter.

I smiled at her and simply said "Thanks." I also found myself wondering just where all of this was heading.

"Are you hungry Joan?" she asked.

I thought about it for a moment and replied "Not if we have to eat here." She laughed at that and asked me just where I’d like to go. "Duh!" I responded. "The boardwalk. Have you ever been?" She laughed at that and within moments we were down the stairs and bidding our farewells to her parents. Dr. Raspberry seemed much calmer by this time. I found myself wondering, for just a second, what Mrs. Raspberry had said to him.

We made our way out of the house and to the boardwalk. "Do you like the boardwalk?" Darla asked.

"I can’t get enough of it," was my reply. We entered at Webster Ave. and I asked her if she’d like a lemonade. The stand was in the middle of the boardwalk right in front of us.

"I’ll share one with you," was her reply. I made the purchase and considered the sensuality of it as we continued our walk. She sucked a bit of the sweet syrupy liquid and I did the same as we continued on.

"Have you ever played ski ball?" I asked her. She started laughing so hard I thought for a moment that she was going to fall down.

"Do you mean Skee Ball? You ninny" she said at last. Well I had no idea we were involved in a spelling bee but, ok, I said;"skee ball.’ (the pronunciation on the "ee" was longer than the simple "i") "Come on," she said. "I’ll show you where the last ten cent game on the boardwalk is," and we made our way to my favorite arcade.

"Have you got any money?" I asked her having paid for the lemonade just moments earlier. She smiled at that and pulled her wallet out of her purse. "Oh My God!" The assortment of bills in her wallet surely exceeded my entire life’s savings. "You had your wallet with you last night, didn’t you?" I asked her. She just smiled in response. Darla went up to the cashier and requested $2.00 in dimes. We then went off in search of the machines.

There were more than a few machines available. The tourist crowd didn’t care for them on two counts. One, they figured if it was that cheap something must be wrong. Two, the amount of coupons spewing from the machine at the end of a winning game was significantly less than the quarter machines. Never having seen Darla play the game, I told her she was in for the challenge of her life! When all else fails, there’s nothing like a bit of bravado. She was good. She was very good. Still in the end I managed to beat her at every game. "My Hero," she whispered in my ear as she hugged me close. Not that I doubted her sincerity, but I began to wonder if she’d thrown those last few games. She seemed to know what I was thinking, looked up at me and said "You beat me Joan, fair and square."

I took great solace in that and said, "let’s go for a walk."

We came upon the wheel where I’d won teddy just a week ago today. The same operator was there and greeted us "Good Afternoon Ladies." Rather than laughing out loud as Sam had done, Darla slipped her arm through mine protectively. For some reason I found myself drawn to number 3 that afternoon. I put my quarter down and Darla’s eyes danced in excitement. The wheel came to a stop and number 3 was a loser. "It’s all right Joan, come on, let’s go take a walk." I wasn’t done yet however. This time I put my quarter down on number 2. Yes, the same number I’d won playing last week. The wheel did indeed stop on number two and Darla squealed delightedly. She was not shy nor embarrassed with regard to what she wanted. She wanted the Teddy Bear in the first row. The exact same one I’d won for Sam. She took her prize from the hawker who kept yelling for all to hear "We have a winner here!" She cradled teddy delicately in her arms and I’m not sure why, but a feeling of pride surged through me.

"What are you going to name him?" I asked her. She looked at me with knitted brows.

"Name him?" she asked.

"You don’t name your stuffed animals?" I asked. Fortunately she didn’t ask me if I named mine.

She seemed lost in serious thought for a minute and finally announced "Jola, and it’s not a him, it’s a her." It only took me a moment to grasp the significance of the name. I gave her a huge smile and we continued walking.

"Darla, are you hungry?" I asked at last.

"I could eat," she said at last. We made our way to Fratelli’s Pizzeria and ordered two specials. We sat there eating our pizza and Darla said to me, "Thank You Joan. You have no idea how much this simple teddy bear means to me."

I smiled at her and replied, "I think I do" as I continued eating. She didn’t take my response as a challenge thankfully and we sat there finishing our lunch. I was now down to $8 till next Saturday. I hate to be such a bleeping accountant, but that’s just the way it was. "Want to take a walk on the beach?" I asked her at last. Her whispered yes told me that she thought I’d never ask.

We made our way to the ramp and removed our shoes. "Which way?" I asked her. Thankfully she grabbed my hand and pulled me in the opposite direction of last week’s journeys. The sun was high in the sky, it’s warmth embraced us gently. The waves seemed to whisper not crash on the shore. The gulls circled and cooed in delight. We made our way up the beach looking behind now and then to see the footprints we’d left in the sand.

"Why so sad?" she asked me staring deeply into my eyes. "You miss her, don’t you John?" The droplets fell from my eyes as would a warm spring rain. She gently steered me just beyond surf’s grasp. "Sit" she said soothingly. "Don’t you think it’s time you told me about it?" There was no need to ask her what "it" she was referring to.

"I’m not sure that I can or that I should," I replied as tears continued streaming down my cheeks.

"Joan, you can tell me anything." I heaved a sigh of relief and relayed the entire story. Well, not "all" of it, but enough to convey what had happened. I wasn’t the type to "kiss and tell."

I looked up into her eyes and I could see that she was crying too. "That’s so sad" she said and held me close. Suddenly a rogue wave crashed on the beach and we were drenched. I’m not sure why but we both started laughing simultaneously. Was mother nature intervening on my behalf? I smiled at that possibility. Darla pulled me towards her and wrapped her arms around my neck with a drenched teddy bear dangling from her left hand. We stood there eye to eye and embraced tenderly. We began kissing. There was no leader and no follower. We were mutually in control of the situation. I probed her mouth deeply with my tongue. She accepted it gratefully and allowed my exploration. When I was finished, she did the same to me. We stood there for the longest time searching each other’s eyes. I’d never known anyone like her. At length she said "Joan, my neck’s getting stiff." I laughed aloud and released her from the embrace. We moved a bit further up the beach and sat down again.

"Ah, Jola’s first bath!" I exclaimed. At that she burst into giggles.

"Did you bring your lipstick with you Joan?" I sat there and felt my face turning crimson. "You did!" she shouted. "Give it to me." I struggled with my wet pants pocket, removed the tube, and handed it to her. "Pucker up" she said. I offered no resistance and did as she asked. When she finished she gave the tube back to me and said "Now you do me!" I smiled at that, informed her that I’d never made an attempt at such a thing before. "You mean you never had any coloring books?" she laughed.

"Hold still," I told her as I delicately colored her lips.

"You better not have given me a clown face!" she laughed again. I assured her that she looked beautiful and she thanked me with her radiant smile. "Let’s walk" she suggested. She stood up first and pulled me to my feet. We made our way slowly back to the boardwalk fingers entwined. "When’s your birthday?" she asked me out of the blue. I told her and she teased in a sing song kind of way. I’m older than you are. I’m older than you are.

I laughed not caring how old she was but found myself asking "When’s yours?"

"It’s next Saturday" she replied.

"And how old are you going to be?" I asked her somewhat cheekily. She laughed and punched me playfully on the arm. "So, you’re ok with arm punches then as long as you’re the one doing the punching?" I asked her in that same cheeky tone. I pulled her close and kissed her passionately on the lips. She returned the favor then gently removed herself from my embrace.

"Come on Joan, it’s time to go." We made our way up the ramp and sat down on a bench to clean our feet and put on our shoes. I found myself keeping an eye out for Sarah, remembering the way she’d sneaked up on me earlier in the week. "Thanks for a lovely time" she said.

"Why, are you going somewhere?" I inquired jokingly.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. I’ve agreed to meet some friends. In fact, if I don’t leave right now, I’m going to be late. I’ll see you at school Monday." With that, she left. She also left Jola sitting on the bench next to me.

"What the hell was that?" I wondered aloud. One minute everything was perfect and the next, POOF! She was gone. Did she really just leave me here sitting on a bench with a stuffed animal by my side? I sat there dumbfounded and watched her as she disappeared into the distance. She seemed without a care in the world. She was off to meet some "friends?" And I wasn’t invited? I sat there wondering if the word "sucker" had been tattooed on my forehead. I was really sorry to see her go, but also amazed that I wasn’t upset the way I had been with Sam. The only thing that made sense to me was that she’d agreed to meet Sarah somewhere and just couldn’t admit it to me. "What now?" I asked Jola. Jola simply smiled the smile of her twin brother Teddy and remained silent. I sat there thinking for a moment and realized how funny it would have been if Sam had done the same. Would teddy’s name have been "Samoan?"

After my brief bout of laughter at my own inane joke, I sat there silently. I watched the couples walking hand in hand down the boardwalk and began feeling sorry for myself. Something had to be wrong. She didn’t even ask if I’d walk her to school on Monday. What’s wrong with me, I wondered? Feeling myself near tears I headed off down the boardwalk in a direction opposite to the one Darla had taken. I found myself in the main arcade. The one that stood at the foot of the fishing pier. I walked inside and my senses were assaulted by the sounds of the carousel. I stood there watching as the ponies danced round and round in front of my eyes. Next thing I knew I was standing there, holding a teddy bear, with a ticket in my hand waiting for the ride to stop so I could board it. I hadn’t been on the merry-go-round in many years. I stood there surveying the horses as the ride came to a halt. I made my selection and quickly approached it: A "white charger." He seemed sleek and fast and was clearly the most attractive horse in the bunch. I climbed atop and waited for the ride to begin. Jola clutched firmly in hand. Anyone viewing this scene would have thought me totally mad. I didn’t care. The ride began spinning round and round and up and down and I found the cares of the day slowly slipping away.

The ride ended and I felt refreshed and renewed. Strange that a carousel could have such an effect I thought as I headed home. I found myself swinging Jola to and fro in an attempt to dry her off before I reached my destination. I was proud of myself for not breaking down and becoming a blubbering mess. I also took pride in the fact that I didn’t feel the need to conceal teddy as I walked in the door. If I was going to keep this toy, I was going to have to rename it. Teddy 2 (too) seemed like an appropriate name. I made my way inside and announced my presence.

"Is that you John?" my mother asked.

"Yes Mom, it’s me" I said.

"Your friend Darla called. She wants you to call her as soon as you can. Is everything all right sweetheart?" she asked in a tone that suggested an answer wasn’t required.

"Everything’s fine Mom" I replied. "I’m going to go upstairs, give her a call and see what she wants."

I walked into my room and gave teddy a big hug. "Welcome home," I whispered as I placed him atop his rightful place in the middle of my pillow. What did Darla want now? She hadn’t hurt me enough for one day? I stared at the phone wondering whether I should give her a call. I found myself dialing her number without thinking. It was weird, but once I’d heard a phone number, it stayed with me for life. I couldn’t remember names to save my life, but numbers, well, just hit me with a string of them and watch out.

"Is that you John?" the voice on the other end of the phone said. I hadn’t even heard it ring!

"Strange way to answer your phone, isn’t it Darla?" I said.

"John, I’m so sorry!" she began blubbering.

"Slow down Darla, tell me what’s wrong."

"I didn’t have any friends to meet, I just needed some time alone. I walked straight home and rang you as soon as I got in."

"It’s all right Darla, I understand," I said, though I wasn’t so sure that I did.

"Can you forgive me?" she asked.

"Of course," I found myself saying.

"John? Will you walk with me to school on Monday? I do have your backpack here, you know"

"I’d love to walk to school with you on Monday. Thanks for calling, you had me really upset."

"I know," she replied. " I saw the hurt in your eyes as I was leaving. But, I’d already said what I’d said and couldn’t just stay and comfort you. I’m so sorry John." Well, at least she was calling me John, I laughed to myself.

"It’s really all right Darla. I’ll see you first thing Monday morning, ok?"

"All right Joan" her voice taunted me. So much for the John idea, I thought.

"Bye Darla."

"Bye Joan…" I heard a slight slurping noise as she hung up and realized she had kissed me over the phone. "Girls" I thought idly as I applied a fresh coat of lipstick to my dry lips.

"Do I have time to take a nap?" I yelled down the stairs.

"A short one," came my mother’s reply.

Not wanting to get into an argument about how long a "short one" was I said, "all right, just wake me up when you need me." I removed my clothes and snuggled up under the sheets with a now dry teddy bear. He smelled of the ocean and that made me smile as I drifted off to sleep.

"Joan, time to get up!" my mother’s voice brought me back to reality. I awoke and stared at the toy in my arms. My first thought was "teddy, you’ve come back." I shook my head at my own insanity as I got out of bed, donned my clothes and headed for the bathroom. The dried salt water on my skin was beginning to itch and I yelled down asking if I had time to take a shower. "Make it a short one!" came the disembodied reply. I selected some clean underwear and went into the bathroom to strip and shower. The warm spray always made me feel better. I finished up, got dressed, and made my way downstairs. The dirty clothes were piling up already, I thought as I put on my second outfit of the day. I entered the kitchen and asked where Dad was and what was for dinner.

"Your father won’t be joining us this evening. I told him about our planned shopping trip and he took it as an excuse to stay late at the office. As for dinner, I thought we’d eat at the mall. Does that sound all right to you? Now go upstairs, put your penny loafers on and while you’re at it, freshen your lipstick."

"MOM!" I whined.

"Do you want to go with me this evening or don’t you?" she asked. How did she know I was looking forward to this, I wondered?

"I’m going" I replied and made my way sullenly up to my room. I put on my shoes and studied my face in the mirror. I put on as light a coat of the color as I could and made my way back downstairs.

Mom looked me over and said "give it to me." There was no need to ask her what she was requesting and I removed the tube from my pants’ pocket. "Now pucker up," she said and applied a proper coat of the not quite red material to my lips. "That looks much better" she said at last and we were out the door.

"What are you in the mood for?" she asked as we began our journey.

"Huh?" I replied.

"To eat, silly" she said with a grin on her face.

"I don’t know, a salad sounds good," I told her.

"A salad?" Again?" I told her I was hungry, but only wanted something light. "Well, you have to get some protein Joan. Salad alone won’t do for a growing girl."

"Excuse me Mom, I’m your SON, remember?" I regretted saying those words as soon as they were out of my mouth. "Mom, I’m sorry."

"It’s all right John, and you’re right too, you are my son." I was sorry that I’d upset her but was hopeful that she’d remember "who" I was for the rest of the evening. We parked our car near the mall entrance and made our way inside. "Let’s eat first and then we’ll look around" she suggested.

"Sounds like a plan," I replied. We made our way into a small family restaurant that was tucked away in a corner. There was no hostess and we just walked around till we found an empty booth to our liking. We sat down and waited for the waitress to arrive.

"Good evening ladies" our waitress, Amy, greeted us. Mom laughed at that but made no move to correct her. With what had just transpired minutes earlier I sat there silently and said nothing. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked as she handed us our menus.

"I’ll have a diet coke," I said and Mom requested an iced tea.

Amy wrote our order down, smiled at me and said "We girls have to watch our figures" as she made her way to get our beverages. Mom just sat there beaming at me and I wasn’t about to burst her bubble.

"Did you change your mind about what you want?"

"No, Mom I haven’t. But, in deference to you I’m getting the large salad with the broiled chicken strips." She said that sounded perfect and ordered the same for herself.

Amy arrived with our drinks, placed them in front of us, took our orders and asked "what type of dressing?" I opted for the light italian on the side and Mom selected the bleu cheese, also on the side.

"You really are watching your weight, aren’t you honey?" she asked rhetorically. "I think your figure is just perfect as it is" she said before leaving. I found myself wanting to explode! I dearly loved my mother, but this was pushing it. Mom noticed my distress and looked at me sadly. I put on my best happy face and her mood lightened. In an attempt to get her mind off of this nonsense, I asked her where she’d like to go first when we were done.

"Well, I’ve thought a lot about last week’s excursion and decided that you were right." I was right about something? I beamed at her. "Yes, the one that we both agreed on at Monique’s Boutique." I remembered the dress well and told her I thought it was a perfect choice.

Our food came and we sat eating in silence. We’d both ordered the dressing on the side. Not because we were diet conscious, but often if you simply ordered it, the salad was delivered as dry as a bone. The food was delicious. Half way through the meal, Amy returned and asked if we needed anything else. I told her I could use another diet coke and she departed swiftly to fill my request. As we continued eating Mom asked me what was going on with Sam. I told her that I had no idea and for the most part, that was the truth. "You really ought to give her a call sweetheart" she said to me.

"I tried calling her this morning but she was off to the baseball game with Billy.

"Your friend Billy Roberts?" she asked.

"My former friend" I corrected her. I then told her that I’d seen Billy and Sam at the dance last night holding hands. Mom looked incredibly sad for me. "It’s all right Mom, it’ll all work out," I consoled her.

"My brave little girl" she offered without thinking. Now worried about my mother, I wasn’t going to get into the gender thing with her again. I gave her a smile of reassurance.

Amy came back to clear our plates and asked, "I don’t guess you two would like any dessert, would you?" We both told her no, paid the bill and started out of the restaurant.

"Mom, hang on a second. I really have to go."

"Good idea," she replied and we made our way to the rest rooms. The men’s room was first and as I headed to the door Mom grabbed me by the shoulder. "Wait a second Joan, you can’t go in there! You’ll get arrested or molested or maybe both!" Had Mom totally lost her mind? "Come here a second" she said and led me back into the restaurant. She pointed to a mirror on the wall, told me to look carefully at it and tell her what I saw. I did and oh my god, she was right. Smiling back at me was "Joan." "John" was nowhere in sight. What had happened to him, I wondered?

"Mom, I really have to go and if I don’t go now, I’m going to wet my pants." She grabbed my arm and led me into the ladies’ room. Where were the urinals? I laughed to myself. There were two stalls empty side-by-side and we both entered them at the same time. I thought just for a moment of standing to urinate, but I knew this would create quite an embarrassing scene. I sighed, slowly lowered my pants and sat down to pee. Mom finished first and was waiting for me when I exited.

I stood there in the mirror washing my hands when Mom said "You really need to retouch your lips." Could I do that under Mom’s careful scrutiny? There were others waiting. and not wanting to cause a scene, I removed the tube and expertly applied the lipstick. Just for effect, I grabbed a tissue and blotted when I was done. I’d never done that before, but I’d seen Mom do it countless times. I put the tube away and Mom muttered as we made our exit that I really needed a purse.

How far could I let her go with this? "Come on Joan" she said excitedly "Let’s go see if my dress is still there." We made our way into the store and this time no one paid us any mind. For a moment, I wondered why and then I saw my reflection in one of the many mirrors strategically posted throughout the store. Mom saw me looking at myself and smiled at me. "Over here" she said and dragged me off to the rack. The dress was still there. "Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. For that one time I was happy that she hadn’t called me "John." "Look, it’s still here and it’s even more beautiful than I remembered!" She grabbed the dress off of the rack. With one hand holding it aloft and the other holding me, we made our way towards the dressing rooms.

"I’ll wait for you here," I told her. For a moment I was afraid that she was going to drag me inside with her. Mom came out in the new dress and I told her how beautiful she looked. I wasn’t lying. Her grin was ear to ear as she did a twirl so I’d get the full effect. Sensing she wanted more from me, I gushed over it as best I could.

She went back and put on her sensible clothes and told me, "Come on, I need shoes to go with this!"

We reached the shoe department and Mom exclaimed "Oh Joan look! They’re having a buy one get one free sale!" Mom, ever the bargain hunter, began searching the aisles. She found a pair of pointy toed, navy blue pumps with a three inch heel. She tried them on. They fit her like they were made for her and her alone.

"Mom?" I asked her. "Don’t you already have a pair just like those?"

She laughed and replied "I see my girl has no fashion sense. The ones that I have are brown. They’d never do." Even I could understand the logic of that comment. "Come here a second, I want to show you something." She dragged me over to a large display of Mary Janes. I thought to myself that Mom would look quite silly wearing them. "Joan, sweetheart, what’s your size again?" My size? She couldn’t mean?

"Mom, I really don’t need any shoes" I gently informed her. I attempted to steer her away from the display, but she’d have none of it.

"Joan, these shoes are the exact same price as the ones I’m purchasing. They’re free!" she exclaimed.

I was done cooperating with her. I stood in front of the display and folded my arms strengthening my resolve. Meanwhile, Mom looked at my feet, looked at the boxes and said "Here,, these should fit you." Did she actually expect me to try them on? If I’d had a cell phone I’d have dialed 911 and requested an ambulance for my mother. She maneuvered me over to some empty chairs and told me to try them on. "Would you rather have that young man come over here and measure your feet?" she asked me.

At length, the young man in question did indeed come over and said "Can I help you ladies?" Mom told him that we could figure it out for ourselves and thanked him for his attention.

"Shall I call him back?" she whispered in a threatening voice. I thought this was going to be a fun evening with Mom. It was turning into a nightmare.

"No Mom, you don’t need to call him back." I took the box, reluctant to peer inside.

"Sweetheart, we don’t have all evening," she admonished suggesting to anyone listening that I was being uncooperative. I opened the box and looked inside. They were black with the rounded toe and the thin straps attached with velcro rather than a buckle.

"Go ahead dear, try them on." I looked at Mom, looked at the shoes and removed them from the box. I put them on and they fit perfectly. I couldn’t believe how comfortable they were as I made my way to the mirror.

Was I really going to let her do this? Mom smiled at me and said "Oh Joan! They’re perfect!" I went back to my seat and attempted to remove the shoes. "It’s all right darling. Keep those on, I’ll just put your penny loafers in here." She took my shoes and put them in the now empty box. She expected me to walk out of the store wearing these things. What could I do? Sure, I could cry out for help, but I knew Mom would wind up in a padded cell somewhere if I did. She looked at me expectantly. She didn’t expect me to thank her for them, did she? Apparently she did. "Joan, do you have anything you want to say?" she asked me. I gave her a look of disbelief. She looked as though about to break out in tears.

Finally, I replied "Thanks Mom, they’re beautiful." Her face lit up like a Christmas tree. So did my own, except mine was lit up like a Christmas tree on the Fourth of July. We walked over to the check out counter. I carried the shoes and Mom carried her dress.

"Did you ladies find everything you were looking for?" the clerk asked. By now I was used to being mistaken for a teen-aged girl.

Mom smiled at her and replied "Yes, thank you!" The clerk took the shoe boxes and the dress and began ringing up the items. When she opened up the Mary Jane’s box she noticed that something was amiss. "Oh, I’m sorry" Mom said "My daughter decided to wear the shoes out. I hope that’s ok?" The clerk looked over the counter, saw my feet, and informed Mom that it was indeed ok.

"They look lovely on you dear," she said as she gave Mom the total. She packed the items in two separate bags and we made our way back into the mall. What if someone I knew saw me, I worried. Sensing my distress my mother offered "Don’t worry Joan, no one is going to see anything other than what you are. A beautiful teen-aged girl out shopping with her mother." That was supposed to calm me down? I cringed as Mom said we have a few more stops to make.

I felt like crying. No one would have noticed a young girl crying while being led along hand-in-hand with her mother. Next stop, the drug store. "Oh look Joan" she intoned. Her enthusiasm was beginning to set my stomach on edge and I seriously worried about losing my dinner. She stopped in front of a display of makeup kits for young girls. "You’re really a little too old for this stuff, but as you’re just beginning to explore…" her voice trailed off. She picked out a kit that would best match my skin tones. She wasn’t done yet. She stood there examining the contents of the collection and said "Oh, just one more thing!" The next thing I knew she was examining the racks looking for the perfect mascara for me. I began to think that this was all my fault. I was the one who returned home wearing lipstick and mascara. Mom most likely felt she was being helpful. I did my best to "smile" at her choices.

"Thanks Mom," I said again. She looked at me as though my reply was somehow insufficient. "Thanks Mommy!" I said with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.

I knew I’d have to sit Dad down and have a chat with him about the state of my mother’s mental health. The purchases made, Mom literally glowed as we made our way back into the mall. "Just one more stop Joan" she said in a commanding tone. Before I knew it we were back at the Piercing Palace and Mom was reviewing the choices.

"But Mom!" I reminded her "My ears are already pierced."

"Shush child" she said as she dragged me inside.

"How can I help you ladies?" the clerk asked.

"Well, my daughter got her ears pierced here last week but has been unhappy ever since." The clerk eyed me closely. I was indeed unhappy, but not for the reasons suggested.

"How can I help?" Andrea, the clerk asked.

"She told me after we left that she wanted two holes in each ear" my mother informed her.

"What’s your name dear?" Andrea asked me. I was now going to have to tell someone that my name was "Joan." This was a totally new experience for me. My mother just looked at me and smiled.

"My name is Joan," I informed her.

"Well Joan, have a seat right here and I’ll be right with you." I sat down in the barber type chair. Andrea had left momentarily to select the box of starter earrings.

"Mom" I said softly. "I’m your son, remember?" Mom hadn’t heard a word I’d said or, if she had, she ignored me. Soon Andrea returned and showed us the choices that were available.

"Oh look Joan!" Mom exclaimed. "They have exactly what you wanted!" What I wanted? What I wanted was to escape this entire situation without any more holes in my ears. Andrea and Mom exchanged a secret smile. Mom selected the earrings which were the same design as those I was already wearing but a tad smaller. She then proceeded to mark my ears with the felt tipped pen making sure that the new sites would align with those already there. SNAP went the gun in my left ear. As had happened last week, the clerk came around and made sure that the holes would align perfectly. Satisfied she walked around and I heard the gun go SNAP! once again.

I was beginning to miss myself. That may sound insane, but it’s true. I found myself wondering whether insanity ran in families. We made our way to the front of the store and Mom paid the bill. How was I ever going to explain the second set of earrings? Sure, there were plenty of guys out there with pierced ears these days, but aside from bikers and other low-lifes not many had two sets of piercings. I was very distraught as we left the store. I’d given up all hope of looking to Mom for help. She was gone. Lost at sea. I knew one thing though, I wouldn’t be accompanying her on any more shopping trips at any time in the near future. What was she trying to do to me, I wondered honestly?

Did I like the way I looked? Yes I did, I’d have to admit honestly, but I felt like Mom was pushing me somewhere I’d never intended to go. We made our way home and Mom talked animatedly about the evening’s events. "Oh Joan. Thank you so much for accompanying me this evening! I had such a wonderful time. I hope you did too?"

Remembering my response from earlier and wishing to arrive home safely, I responded "Oh yes Mommy, I had a wonderful time too!" She seemed like she was in eighth heaven. If seventh heaven was good, eighth had to be better, right?

We made our way into the garage and I prayed silently that Dad was either someplace else or asleep. For once my prayers were answered. My father was indeed asleep but not in front of the television. It seems he had given up on us and gone to bed. …."Oh Joan" Mom said. " I was so hoping that your father would be awake so we could show him your new shoes!"

Safely in my home, I beckoned her to the kitchen. "Mom, we have to talk" I said firmly.

"Sure darling would you like some hot cocoa?" she asked. The weather was far too warm for such a beverage but I acquiesced. Mom began making the hot chocolate and I sat at the kitchen table not sure of what to do next.

"Mom?" I asked her as plainly as I could "Are you all right?" She eyed me carefully.

At length she said "Oh John, can you ever forgive me?" Hearing my proper name, I’d already forgiven her.

"Oh Mommy!" I said as I rushed to her open arms. Where had that come from, I wondered? We held each other tight not sure which was crying more profusely. I only hoped that it wasn’t a contest. She’d probably win. "Mom" I begged her. "What’s going on?" I hoped that I wouldn’t have to call the men with the white coats and the nets for her.

"Oh Joan!" she sobbed on my shoulder. I stood up, made my way to the counter and finished making the cocoa. Mom was seated at the table with her head in her hands crying as though she’d first learned how moments before.

"Here Mom," I said sliding the hot beverage in front of her. She smiled at me faintly as she took the cup. "Are you all right?" I asked with serious concern in my voice.

"I’m fine Joan" was her reply. What could I possibly do to bring her back to reality? She started going on again about the makeup that she’d bought me. She told me that she didn’t want to see me leaving it strewn about and if I did, she was going to throw it away. I realized that there was no way I was going to reach the loving mother that I knew was hiding somewhere inside and found myself agreeing with everything that she said. The drink finished I told her I’d better make my way to bed. I was totally exhausted. "All right Joan" she replied. "Just take your bags with you up to your room."

I told her that of course I would and cleared the table. Mom sat there looking distraught.

"Could I have a hug?" I asked her. She stood and held me close.

She rocked me in her arms and I found myself saying "I miss you Mommy." Again with the "Mommy" thing.

Still, she smiled at my statement and offered "I miss you too sweetheart." We stood there holding each other for some time. I figured I’d hug her for as long as she needed. Finally, she released me and I bade her goodnight. I made sure that I thanked her again for a fantastic evening and slowly made my way upstairs. In my room I was happily surprised to see teddy perched atop my pillow. I smiled as I emptied the bags. One shoe box containing old shoes, and another containing a makeup kit. I viewed the makeup box hungrily. I knew in the morning when sanity finally prevailed that such things would be forbidden to me. I opened the box cautiously and carefully slid out the plastic sleeve within. There was nail polish in there and eye shadow! I found myself unable to decide which to try first. At length I selected the eye shadow figuring that would be easier than the nail polish. I put the dark blue coloring over my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror. I was indeed a "woman of mystery." I smiled to myself as I began the more difficult task. I surveyed the colors of polish in the kit. I finally decided on a dark red and attempted to coat my nails. My nails were basically in very good shape, all part of my daily grooming skills. I remembered my model painting skills as I applied a coat of polish to each nail on my left hand.

Doing my right hand was surely going to be something of an adventure. I filled the brush slowly and began drawing the polish from base to tip. All of my fingernails covered I surveyed my toes. It seemed a shame to leave them undone, but I was getting tired. I found myself posing in front of the full-length mirror one more time and damn, if I didn’t look beautiful. My lips, my eyes, my fingers, and yes, my ears, all screamed "girl" to anyone who’d notice. I stared as deeply into the looking glass as I dared, searching for signs of John. There were none. I smiled at myself and got ready for bed………….

Notes:

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Synopsis:

John's life continues to change.

Story:

Chapter 11
Sundays will never be the same

I woke up Sunday morning and made my way to the bathroom. Sleeping naked did have it’s disadvantages. I ran from my room through the hall and made it into the bathroom without being seen. I was still half-asleep and sat down to relieve myself. I think I lost three pounds right there. I finished up, flushed, and washed my hands. Looking in the mirror I shook my head. Great, now I have more bits to twist. I rotated the earrings carefully. The new set made it more difficult trying to squeeze my fingers between them. I also noticed while doing so that my fingernails were a deep red. Something that wouldn’t wash off. I, of course, had no nail polish remover. Either Mom or Dad was going to find out about this. I wasn’t sure which would be worse. How did I get myself into such situations?

I finally decided that Mom’s assistance was required. Dad would simply never understand this one. I looked at the clock on my night stand and it was only 8:30. As it was a Sunday morning I doubted that Mom was awake. I was a prisoner in my own room. My only hope was that Dad wouldn’t come bursting into my room. Thankfully, I couldn’t ever remember him doing that. Why had I done this to myself? All right, the ears I could blame on Mom, but my fingers? I held my hands out in front of me. They did indeed look "pretty." Why couldn’t I just be who I wanted to be? Why all the guilt? The shame? As I sat there thinking about it, I almost decided that this was "me." If you like it fine, if you don’t, go screw yourself. If only life were that easy. I found myself staring at the makeup kit that Mom had purchased for me. I really did want to explore its contents further.

I thought about Sam. Things seemed so much easier for a girl who wanted to be a boy than vice versa. She could dress as she wanted, act as she wanted, and no one took notice. If I went out wearing this nail polish alone (and no I don’t mean stark naked!) , people would call me sissy, fag, queer, and god knows what else. I know most girls would disagree with my sentiments. They were the ones who did whatever they wanted with society’s approval. I hadn’t heard any rustling in the hall yet and was loathe to wake up my parents. Dad was probably up and about already. I decided at length to risk it. I put on my clothes from last night and made my way down the hall. Their bedroom door was closed. I figured as long as I remained in the hallway, no one would have to see my nails. I knocked gently on the door. Nothing. I tried again "tap, tap, tap."

I heard stirrings and at last my mother’s voice. "Is that you John? " I heaved a sigh of relief

"Yes Mom, it’s me. Can I come in?" I asked her.

"Sure sweetheart, come on in."

I cautiously opened the door ready to bolt at any sign of Dad. I needn’t have worried. He wasn’t there. "I’ve got a bit of a problem" I informed her tentatively.

"What’s wrong sweetheart?" she asked.

"Well, it’s simply this" I said as I held my hands out in front of me.

"Oh Joan! They’re beautiful!" For some reason her comment made me very happy.

"Thanks Mom" I replied.

"What’s your problem sweetheart?" she asked sincerely. I could tell this wasn’t going to be easy.

"Mom," I said gently not wanting to upset her. "Do you have any nail polish remover?"

"But why?" she started and then came to her senses. "Yes Joan, on my makeup table. Be sure to put it back when you’re done with it."

"Thanks Mom," I said and rushed over to her bed and gave her a big hug.

"I’ll have to remember to get you some of your own." I smiled at that. Hell, what else could I do? No one had put a gun to my head and forced me to paint my fingernails. I hugged her again tightly, found the bottle of acetone, and made my way back to my room. I sat at my desk with a box of tissues and a bottle of the foul smelling liquid. One by one I cleaned my fingers off. Thankfully, I had no cuticles so there was no trace of red left when I was finished. I took the pile of tissues and thought momentarily about hiding them. I realized at length that there was no need.

Seeing all traces of the "red" gone, I felt clean. But, not so clean that I didn’t need a shower. I grabbed some fresh underwear and made my way back to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I exited feeling "really" clean. It was closing in on 9:30 and I reminded myself of my intentions to call Sam again. Could I do this, I wondered? Well, the worst thing that could happen is that she could tell me to go bleep myself. I picked up the phone and dialed her number without thinking. It was answered on the first ring.

"Sam? Is that you?"

"Hi John," her voice whispered dreamily in my ear.

"How are you?" I asked not sure that I wanted to know.

"I’m fine John. How are you?"

I was so glad to hear her voice I found myself saying "I’m better!" and burst out laughing. Sam laughed too and we sat there giggling till the magic of the moment faded away. "Sam? I really think we need to talk," I said having no idea what else to say.

Surprisingly, she replied, "I think so too." I smiled, yet my stomach began doing flip-flops. I’d been hoping for just such an occasion to clear the air and now, well now I was terrified that it was about to happen.

"You want to get together this afternoon?" I asked her.

"Sure," she said, "where and when?"

"Why don’t you come over here around 12:30?"

"I’ll be there," she replied.

"And Sam?"

"Yes, John?"

"I’ve missed you." I could feel her smile through the phone line. We said our goodbyes and I sat there wondering just what was going to happen next. I stood examining myself in the bedroom mirror for a minute. Surely Dad would never notice the extra pair of holes in my ears, would he? I played with my hair a bit and made my way down to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. I was getting sick of cereal every morning and decided on something more substantial. Bacon and eggs over easy with whole wheat toast and fresh blackberry jam. I began making preparations. Soon, I discovered I was not alone.

"Damn, something smells good," my father said.

"Just sit down," I said resignedly. "Breakfast will be ready in a minute." I was hoping that he’d decline, but instead he sat and waited for me to finish. "Would you like some juice Sir?" I asked him playing the part.

"Yes, I would Miss, thank you" he replied. So much for hiding extra holes in my ears.

"Coffee?" I asked without missing a beat.

"Yes please," he returned. My breakfast cooked and served to my father, I’d lost my appetite.

"Will there be anything else Sir?" I asked remaining in role.

"No, thank you Miss, that was perfect." Perhaps he thought this was all a game? Perhaps he was just having some fun at my expense? I’m not really sure, but I never felt so many negative thoughts about my father before in my life. I excused myself and headed into the backyard.

Fortunately, Shandy was there: alert, on guard, and protecting the perimeter. "Woof!" she greeted me. I laughed and called her over. She came bounding at me, nearly knocking me down with her gentle assault. "How are you today girl?" I asked her not expecting a reply. "Would you like to go for a walk?" Her whole body shook and she began licking her chops. I took that as a yes. "Give me a minute Shandy, I’m going to get your leash." I made my way inside to retrieve her leash and spotted myself briefly in the hallway mirror. My lips, I thought to myself; they are naked. I ran upstairs quickly and retrieved the mauve lipstick. I applied it liberally before making my way back outside with Shandy’s leash. She eyed me quizzically for a moment before she realized it was just me and began jumping up and down in anticipation. "Hold still girl" I told her as I attached the leash to her collar. That done, we headed off to the beach. In another few weeks dogs wouldn’t be allowed on the beach after 8 AM. We didn’t dally on the boardwalk and made our way right for the entrance at Longhill Ave. "Hang on girl. I have to remove my sneakers," I said to her though I’m reasonably sure she didn’t comprehend me. Sneakers removed I pulled her down the ramp. "Come on Shandy" I yelled attempting to generate some excitement.

She ran past me and soon it was Shandy pulling me towards the waves. She loved placing her paws down on the not so firm ground. She ran and dragged me along yelping at the impending waves. I ran behind her as fast as I could and felt the ocean’s spray greet me with every step. We continued on like that till I yanked her leash and begged for mercy. I wish I could have removed her chain but it was against the law and my parents informed me long ago that if there was a fine to pay, that I’d be the one paying it. I sat down on the sand and watched Shandy barking at the waves, daring them to hit her. Fortunately, none did. What was I going to say to Sam? What could I tell her about Darla? How did I feel about the both of them? I only knew one thing. I missed having Sam in my life. I wish I knew what to do.

"Come on girl! Time to go home." She wagged her tail and woofed happily. We walked back slowly. At length I figured I’d gauge my comments against Sam’s own. I considered all that had happened and thought that Sam owed me an apology. I’m sure she felt the same way about me, I sighed. Though we were walking at a casual pace, we made the trip back in good time. I brought Shandy into the house with me and fixed her some lunch. Mom would usually set aside some leftovers to mix with her dog food. It was now 11:30 and Sam would be over soon. I ran upstairs and began fretting over what to wear. Did it matter? I finally decided on a pair of cutoffs and a clean tee shirt. The weather was getting warmer and it felt good to be in less restrictive clothing.

I took my time twisting my earrings as I stared into the mirror. I wasn’t really sure just who was looking back at me anymore, but somehow my reflection pleased me. I had a bit of time and decided to check out some of the new lipsticks in the makeup kit. Pink? Nah, not me. Bronze? No again. After trying them all on I realized that my two favorites were the ones I already had. Besides the ones that Sam and Darla had given me were of a much higher quality than those in the "play kit." If Mom was going to get me some nail polish remover, I might as well tell her I needed some cold cream and something to take off the mascara as well. Yes, apparently insanity did run in families. I removed the tube of mascara from the bag. The label said it was waterproof. I worried about that for a moment then realized that if I started crying at least I wouldn’t get raccoon eyes. I took my time applying the goop to my upper lashes. I knew if I tried the lower ones I’d make a complete mess of it and besides it would be so obvious to anyone looking at me. I applied a coat of mauve to my lips and spent a few minutes playing with my hair. Ah yes! Hair spray. Something else to add to the list. Sam would be over in a few minutes. I could feel my heart pounding in anticipation.

The next thing I knew my mother was calling me. "Joan, Sam’s here!" My mother actually sounded happy. Could part of her insanity be due to the fact that Sam hadn’t been around these last few days?

"Tell her to come on up Mom" I shouted down the stairs. I didn’t want to greet Sam in front of my watching mother. My makeup kit was on top of my dresser. I made no move to conceal it.

Sam came into my room, looked at me and said, "Joan, you’re beautiful!" My mascara was going to be tested I thought as tears began rolling down my cheeks.

"I’ve missed you so, Sam!" I exclaimed. She ran to me and hugged me for all she was worth. I hugged her back and we just stood there each of us unsure of what to do next.

"I love what you’ve done to your ears," she said finally.

"Thanks Sam, I like them too," I replied. "I think the next time Mom wants to go shopping though, she’s going to have to go alone." At that Sam started laughing.

"Want to go for a walk?" I asked her.

"Sure," was her reply.

We made our way downstairs and I shouted out my goodbyes. "Sam and I are going for a walk. I’ll be home later," I announced into the air. She looked at me, I shrugged my shoulders and out the door we went. It was at that point that I remembered Jola sitting atop my pillow. If Sam had seen her at least she hadn’t said anything. We began walking towards the boardwalk. I’d never thought about it before, but when I said I was going for a "walk," that’s what I meant. I found myself wanting to reach for Sam’s hand as we walked. I didn’t though and she didn’t reach out for mine either. "So, did you have a good week?" I asked her.

"It started out OK but it was horrible in the end." I wondered if she was talking about us and whether or not she considered this part of last week.

"I know what you mean," I replied. We continued on for awhile in silence.

"How did you do on the history test?" she asked at length.

"You first," I replied. She announced proudly that she’d gotten a 98%. "That’s great!" I said.

"And you?" she asked.

I looked at her and smiled. "I passed." She took that to mean that she’d beaten me once again. I smiled inwardly and let it go. "How are things with you and Billy?" I asked though not really sure I wanted to know the answer.

"How are things with you and Darla?" was her reply. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Darla’s been a great friend," I said measuring my words carefully.

"So has Billy," she responded. I felt like we were playing a game of chess which neither of us could win. I wanted to attack her for what she’d done. Somehow I knew that she wouldn’t understand that she’d done anything wrong. The tears continued streaming down my face as we walked up the ramp to the boardwalk.

"I need to sit down," I said and made my way for one of the benches on the ocean side of the boards. Sam sat down next to me and we sat there watching the world go by.

After an indeterminate amount of time she grabbed my hand and held it gently in her own. "I’m sorry Joan," she said. I looked at her wondering if she knew what she should be sorry about. I wasn’t sure whether I should parrot her apology back to her.

Instead I heard myself saying, "I love you Sam" She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me.

"I love you too Joan," she said. That should have been the happiest moment in my life, but I found myself thinking of Darla. Darla who had stood by me through all this nonsense. The tears started flowing again. Sam thought they were tears of joy. I let her. I found myself more confused than ever and wondered if I’d ever figure it all out.

"Oh Sam!" I moaned and she held me tighter. Could I tell Sam why I was upset? I didn’t think so. Could I tell Darla? I was pretty sure the answer to that was "yes." We sat there for a few more minutes. My sadness was increasing with every tick of the clock.

"Come on Sam" let’s go play some ski ball. We walked over to the arcade and made our way inside. I got a dollar in dimes and we headed for the machines. I figured five games apiece would be more than enough. Sam was on her game. She beat me that first game by fifty points. I wasn’t sure why but I thought it might help my situation if I actually beat her a time or two. Usually I just released the ball up the alley not caring which slot it landed in. I bowled very carefully after that concentrating on the innermost circle. I did win that series three games to two. Sam wanted to play two more in an attempt to best me. I wasn’t going to let that happen. "Sam, we had a dollar in dimes, five games apiece, I won! What’s the big deal?" It wasn’t a big deal, but to Sam, it was. What was I learning here? Something, but I honestly wasn’t sure what.

"Want to take a walk on the beach?" I asked her.

"I want to play a few more games of ski ball," was her reply.

"Fine Sam. Go ahead. I’ll watch you." She did play one more game but I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. "Can we go for a walk now?" I asked her when she finished.

"All right," she replied sulkily. This wasn’t going at all as I’d hoped. "Something’s wrong, isn’t it Joan?"

"I’m not sure Sam, but I think so," I bawled. Sam began crying too as we made our way to ocean’s edge. "Let’s just sit here for awhile" I suggested. We sat there staring out to sea.

"It’s Darla, isn’t it?" she asked finally. My whole body began shaking and I sat there crying uncontrollably.

"I’m sorry Sam," I said. "I’m not really sure what’s going on with me."

"Tell me about you and Billy?" I begged her.

"There isn’t much to tell," she said as her voice drifted off.

"I saw you two holding hands," I informed her. "Did you kiss him?"

"Well, you obviously kissed Darla" she replied.

"Oh Sam! Stop it and talk to me! Why did you abandon me the way you did?" There was no stopping me now. Either the air was going to be cleared, or it wasn’t. "You’ve treated me without any respect!" I continued as the tears continued to flow. "I came over to walk with you to school and you were gone. Lunch time came and that dweeb Duncan was in my seat. You just sat there and ignored me acting like you were having a grand old time." The flood gates had burst, I couldn’t stop now. "And then, then I thought you’d call me when you came to your senses, but you never did. Yes, Darla has been a lifesaver for me. She befriended me when my only friend in the world, YOU! turned her back on me. Oh Sam!" Was I ever going to stop crying? My sense of loss was overwhelming. Had I stopped loving Sam? Could I ever trust her not to hurt me like that again? I really needed some answers. I only knew that without her in my life I somehow felt incomplete. Still, I’d learned something about myself this past week. I wasn’t dependent upon her for my happiness. "Sam, I do love you. But I don’t think I could handle another week like the one that just ended. You have to tell me what’s going on!" I demanded.

"When I said I was sorry Joan, I meant that I was sorry for all the things you just mentioned" she said. I couldn’t believe my ears! Maybe having two holes in one ear did cause a hearing malfunction?

"Sam, I meant what I said when I said you have to tell me what’s going on."

"Oh Joan! I am sorry! Listen, when you wouldn’t tell me you loved me the other evening, it just sent me over the edge. I’d never felt so rejected in my life. Well, not since my Dad died. I really needed to hear those words from you, but you just walked away. The lunchroom thing was stupid, but when I got to the table Duncan was already sitting there and yes, I was still hurting from your rejection. When I saw you sitting with Darla, part of me died. I’ve always known that she’s had the hots for you. I did my best to give you two your space. The only reason I went to that dance was because I just knew that you and Darla were going to be there. And no, no one told me that you would be, I just knew it. As for your question about me kissing Billy, the answer is no. Not to say that he didn’t try. But, I have no feelings for him in that way."

She’d just said everything I wanted to hear. And yet, something was still wrong. "Sam? I’m sorry." Her tears were flowing as well and we sat there silently just holding one another. What was I going to do about Darla? I really didn’t want to hurt her. But for her brief desertion of me on the boardwalk yesterday she’d been perfect. Still, I knew that she cared about me as more than just a friend and I didn’t know what to do.

"I love your new lipstick" she said and kissed me. I started crying again as the lipstick she was referring to had been a gift from Darla.

"Sam, I’ve got to ask you something. Before you say anything just hear me out. Darla and I have become good friends. I can’t, no I won’t just abandon her to be with you. Do you think you can handle that?" I asked her hopefully. Her eyes filled as she sat there contemplating my question.

"What kind of friends?" she asked at length.

I smiled at her and told her, "not friends like us" and kissed her gently on the lips. "Sam, I’m really exhausted. Do you mind if we leave now?" She seemed pretty tuckered out herself and I was reasonably certain of her reply. She didn’t disappoint me and we made our way home. We walked home in silence holding hands. She intermittently squeezed my hand three times rapidly and I returned the gesture every time. We arrived home and stood outside my front door. "So, I’ll see you in the morning then?" she asked.

"Sam" I sighed. "I have to go to Darla’s in the morning. I left my knapsack over there on Friday and I’ve got to go and pick it up. Will you walk home from school with me?"

"Sure Joan that would be wonderful," she replied at last. Maybe this would all work out yet, I thought. I pulled her close to me and kissed her right outside in front of my house where anyone could see. Sam didn’t seem to mind.

"I love you Sam," I told her. "I’ll always love you."

She smiled at that and said, "I love you too John." I looked at her quizzically.

"You are both John and Joan to me. I’m the luckiest person in the world. I get two loves for the price of one."

"I’ll see you tomorrow Sam" I said as we released one another. I watched her walk off with her loping gait. She didn’t seem to have a care in the world.

I made my way into the house. "John, is that you?" my mother’s voice called to me.

"Yes Mom, it’s me" I replied. I could tell her voice was coming from the kitchen and she continued to speak. "Have you got a minute?" she asked. What’s this? Mom not ordering me about like an indentured servant? I made my way into the kitchen curious as to what was going on. Mom was sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. I hadn’t seen her smoke since I was very little. Something indeed must be wrong. "Why don’t you pour yourself a cup and sit down?" she motioned to me. I poured the coffee and took my usual seat.

"Mom, what are you doing?" I asked her pointing to the cigarette.

"Oh this? It’s nothing," was all she said. I waited. "Your father told me that he ate your breakfast this morning. He also told me he called you "Miss" and laughed as he did it: the bastard!"

"It was no big deal Mom," I lied.

"Oh John!" she exclaimed and started crying. "I’m so sorry!" What was she sorry for, I wondered?

"Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s going to be fine," I said softly. She smiled faintly at that.

"I love you John," she said.
"I know Mom, I love you too!" I sat there drinking my coffee and she did the same. Thinking I could change the subject I said to her "Mom, the next time you go shopping, do you think you could pick me up a few things?"

"Of course sweetheart, what do you need?"

"Well, errr?" I began and blurted it out. "I need some nail polish remover, some cold cream, some eye makeup remover and some hair spray."

She laughed her old laugh. "Is that all?" she asked at last.

"Well, it’s all I can think of at the moment," I replied.

"The drug store is still open. What do you say we just go get those things right now?" she asked me.

Her spirits seemed to rise at the thought. "Sure Mom," I said. "Let’s go!"

We got in her car and I noticed that Dad’s car was not in the garage. I decided not to say anything about it. "Do you have any particular preferences with regard to these items?" she asked.

For a moment I’d forgotten what she was talking about and then replied, "No Mom, I haven’t a clue. I’m in your hands!" We made our way into the store which was open till 6 PM on Sundays. We had plenty of time.

"Oh Joan," she remarked upon entering. "Come here" and led me over to the perfume department. "A young lady needs her own scent," she said matter of factly. Anything to keep her mind off her troubles, I figured. "Here, smell this," she said delightedly.

"Too sweet and overpowering," was my reply. She laughed at that and admitted that I was right. At last we decided on "Cool Water." The fragrance was light enough that it could easily be mistaken for an after shave lotion though the label clearly said "Cool Water Woman." She smiled as she added the item to our basket. I couldn’t believe how expensive a tiny bottle of that stuff was. It seemed like a waste of money to me. We continued on with our search.

"The quality of those items in your makeup kit isn’t very good, is it?"

"No Mom, it isn’t," I had to agree.

"Well, I’ll tell you what," she said. "Why don’t you pick out "one" of everything in the quality section?" she asked me. Was I really going to do this? Hell, in for a penny, in for a pound. I started looking over the choices. I surveyed the eye shadows carefully. At length I decided on the one with several shades of blue. The mascara that Mom had purchased was first rate and wouldn’t need replacing. I next found myself looking at the lipsticks. If I was going to be kissing Sam, it just didn’t seem right to be doing it wearing Darla’s lipstick. I decided on a color called "Eternally Mauve." It was very similar to what I already had but by a different manufacturer. Ah! Nail Polish! I couldn’t believe the myriad of choices. Mom almost fainted when I made my selection. It was called "Blue Thunder" a dark steel-blue-gray. I thought it was pretty and reasoned that I might actually find the nerve to wear it out of the house. At last Mom relented and added the item to our basket. She picked up the cleansing items that I’d requested and added a few of her own. "OK girl, I think we’re done here," she said at last. We went to the check out counter and I was glad that I wasn’t paying the bill.

We made our way back to the car and Mom began rummaging through the bag. She found what she was looking for and removed the tube of lipstick. She twisted the rearview mirror so that it was facing me and said, "here, why don’t you try it on?" I did and it was perfect. My lipstick in tact, Mom made her way home. Dad’s car was still missing from the garage upon our return. "What would you like for dinner sweetheart?" she asked me. This was also a bit unnerving to me as Mom usually had these things planned out well in advance.

"Well," I said in a suggestive tone, "what about Dad?"

"Don’t worry about him darling, he’s already had one meal made for him today. That’s enough in my opinion." Still angry with my father for his actions earlier in the day, all I could do was agree with her. "Would you like to go out to eat?" she asked me. Her request told me two things. One, Dad would not be joining us for dinner and two, Mom was totally discombobulated.

"Sure Mom," I replied at last.

"Great!" she said. "Let’s go inside and get freshened up. Then we’ll head out to the steak house." Wow, steak twice in one week? Something was indeed going on, I worried.
We entered the house and Mom began searching through the bag. She pulled out the nail polish, looked at it distastefully, and beckoned me into the kitchen. "Sit," she commanded. I sat. She shook the bottle violently for some seconds and carefully twisted the top loose. "Give me your left hand." I held my hand out for her and she began applying the liquid. "Now, don’t let your nails touch anything while the polish dries," she admonished. Without her asking I then handed her my right. She repeated the procedure.

I found myself wishing that I could wear my nails like that out of the house. "Sweetheart,, go upstairs and fix your eyes and lips. Oh, and make sure you wear your red silk shirt. Oh, and don’t forget your new shoes!" she said at last. I was worried for my mother’s sanity, but also found myself eager to complete the requested tasks. I brought the bag upstairs with me to my bathroom. I tore open the eye shadow and applied the deepest blue. I then grabbed my mascara and expertly applied it to my upper lids. Daring to tempt fate, I coated my bottom lids as well. I fixed my hair, shook the can of hair spray and liberally applied it to my locks. Almost finished, I thought to myself as I touched up my lipstick. I opened the bottle of Cool Water and sprayed it on either side of my neck. It smelled heavenly.

I surveyed my face in the mirror. Damn, I was pretty! I couldn’t remember ever being this happy as I took the bag and made my way back to my room. I grabbed my tightest pair of jeans in an attempt to look as feminine as possible. I found myself digging through the bag wondering if I’d missed anything. Yes! Mom had also bought me some knee-hi stockings. Forget the fact that this was beyond weird, I was having the time of my life. I removed my sneakers and socks and slid the hose gently up my legs. I couldn’t believe how sensual they felt. I ran for the closet and grabbed my maryjanes. I pulled on my jeans and then my new shoes. I examined my completed appearance in the full length mirror. "Hi Joan," I said. A beautiful young girl smiled back at me, but she said nothing by way of a reply.

I couldn’t believe I was contemplating going out dressed as I was. I found my way back to the kitchen where Mom had waited for me patiently. "Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. "You look absolutely adorable!" Forgetting my mother’s mental instability, I rushed over to her and gave her a hug.

"Thanks to you Mom," I replied at last.

"Wait sweetheart," she said. "You need one more thing." With that she handed me a small black leather purse. I was too far gone at that point to object.

"Thanks Mommy!" I squealed in delight. I told her I’d just be a minute and made my way upstairs to retrieve a few bits of makeup to put in my new purse. A girl never knew when she’d need to do some touching up, did she? Carrying the items downstairs and glad I wouldn’t have to stuff everything into the pockets of my too tight jeans, I smiled as Mom stood at the foot of the stairs holding my purse open for me.

"I knew you were going to do that," she smiled back at me. Thankfully, the purse had a shoulder strap so I wouldn’t have to carry it about all evening.

I slung the bag over my shoulder and said to her, "what do you think?"

"I think you look adorable sweetheart," she replied. My heart soared.

We got back in her car and made our way to the Lonestar Steakhouse.. "Well girl, let’s eat!" she imparted. Feeling as comfortable with myself as I had in recent memory, I exited the car and made way for the` front door. "Slow down Joan!" Mom begged. I waited for her to catch up to me. I was starving! I thought back for a minute and realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I angrily thought back to this morning when Dad had stolen my breakfast.

"Mom, I’m really hungry," I told her petulantly.

"You haven’t eaten all day, have you dear?" She asked. Remembering that Mom knew about what had transpired with Dad, I decided not to make an issue of it.

"I’m all right," I assured her. With that, she held the door open for me and we entered the restaurant. As it was a Sunday evening, the place was relatively deserted.

The hostess came up to us and asked, "Smoking, or non smoking?" Mom simply replied "smoking" and we were led off to our table. Her answer had given me renewed cause for concern. I thought back to my arrival home and realized that things were changing. We were led to our table and told that our waitress would be with us momentarily. Mom took a cigarette out of her pack and lighted it, inhaling deeply. The ease with which she completed those actions added to my concern.

"What would you like to eat Joan? " she asked me.

Although I hadn’t eaten all day and by some rights I was starving, I replied, "a small steak and a salad." I began to wonder if I wasn’t subconsciously watching my caloric intake.

"You are worried about your figure, aren’t you Joan?" Mom asked me. I had no answers for her.

"You asked me what I wanted and I told you," was my reply. The waitress came over and introduced herself. Her name was "Kim." She asked us disinterestedly if we were ready to place our orders. We had spent several moments surveying the menus which were strategically placed between the bottles of condiments on the back of the table. There was no preamble offered by Kim with regards to what would we like to drink before taking our orders. Mom told me to go first and I did. "I’ll have the 8 ounce princess cut sirloin" I informed her. My mother as she had done yesterday informed the waitress that it sounded perfect and that she’s have the same.

"What vegetable?" she asked. I surveyed the list and told her the steamed broccoli sounded great. Mom smiled at me. "What type of dressing on your salad, Miss?" she asked. I told her the light italian on the side please. Mom duplicated my order but went again for the bleu cheese dressing.

"What can I get you two to drink while you’re waiting?" she asked. Mom ordered a gin and tonic and I stuck with my diet coke.

We sat there sipping our beverages. As soon as Mom was done with one cigarette, she was lighting another. I wished I knew how to stop this behavior. "Mom, why are you smoking?" I asked her. "Don’t you know how bad it is for you?" I couldn’t resist. She replied and told me that she was indeed aware of the risks and to mind my own business. What could I say to that? I already knew the answer as I pondered the question. The answer was "nothing." We sat there sipping our drinks waiting for our entrees to arrive. Kim surprised us by brining two huge salads to our table first. I looked at mine and wondered if I’d be able to finish it all. Mom saw my eyes bugging out of my head and told me that I didn’t have to eat all of it. With that , I relaxed. We sat there and chatted about all the things going on in my life. I was desperate to ask her about Dad, but held my tongue. I guessed that I was going to be yet another kid with a weekend father. The way I felt about him at the moment, I hoped that he hadn’t planned on spending every weekend with me. I knew that he wouldn’t though and I smiled smugly.

Mom and I had always been close. It seemed we were getting a lot closer of late. "Joan darling, are you all right?" she asked me.

"I couldn’t be better," I replied and in some ways I meant it.

"I’m so glad you’re here with me tonight," she said.

"Where else would I be?" I responded cheekily. She laughed at that as she finished her salad. Kim came over and removed our salad plates. Moments later she was back with our main courses. I smiled at her as she placed my dinner in front of me.

"Enjoy it sweetheart," she said as she placed the tiny steak within my grasp.

"Mom, would you pass me the ketchup?" I asked her.

She laughed and replied, "for what? For your broccoli?" I laughed in return and asked if she’d just do as I requested. We sat there eating in silence when at length Mom said. "Joan, I hate to spring this on you now, but our lives are changing." I knew something was afoot but not wanting to presuppose anything I simply responded "Oh?"

"It seems," she said at length between bites, "my marriage to your father has come to an end. We’ve been arguing a lot lately. He seems to be working more and more hours all the time. When he told me what he did to you this morning, I nearly lost my mind as I screamed at him to just pack his things and go! He didn’t offer any resistance to my suggestion. I knew then, in my heart, that it was over."

"Oh Mom!" I screamed. "This is all my fault, isn’t it?" She looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.

"No sweetheart, this has nothing to do with you. You’re old enough now to know that sometimes these things just happen." I wasn’t so sure about that. I sat there thinking about Mom’s increasingly strange behavior and decided that somehow it had to be related to what was going on between her and Dad. At that moment, I felt an affinity for my mother that I’d never felt before.

"Mom, I’m so sorry," I cried. I wasn’t sure if I was more sorry for her or for myself. Sure Dad had been acting more and more the idiot of late, but maybe that was just his way of dealing with the stress of the situation. I knew deep down that my father loved me. I also knew that I loved him too though I guess I never really knew him. I wasn’t sure if that was my fault or his. Perhaps the blame lay somewhere in the middle.

At last Kim returned to our table with a big smile on her face. I cynically figured it must be near the end of her shift. "Can I get you two ladies anything else?" she asked. I told her I’d like a cup of coffee. Mom seeing the look of frustration on Kim’s face told her that she’d like a cup too. I was glad for a moment that I was making someone else’s life miserable besides my own. I laughed as she left the table. I found myself feeling sorry for her and annoyed with her at the same time.. She brought our coffees back quickly enough. We sat there, Mom played with hers trying to make it palatable and I sat there sipping the cup of black liquid in front of me.

"Mom? What now?" I found myself asking her.

"If I knew the answer to that Joan, life would be so much easier," she replied cryptically.
We sat there drinking our brew. Mom, oblivious to what was going on in my world and myself oblivious to her own worries. At length Mom asked me, "are you ready to go sweetheart?"

"Yeah Mom, let’s get out of here." She paid the bill and we made our way back home. We rode on in silence. Arriving home I noticed that Dad’s car was indeed still missing. Mom looked over at the empty space as though she expected it. Her eyes began to fill with tears. Upon entering I caught my reflection in the hallway mirror. I no longer felt "pretty." I felt stupid and ashamed. I told Mom that I needed to go to the bathroom and made my way upstairs. I ran the water in the sink till it was steaming. I grabbed the soap and scrubbed my face thoroughly. Next, I sat at my desk and opened the bottle of acetone. I held my hands out in front of me one more time wishing that I could leave them as they were. I removed the color and wondered just how my life was changing. I took a look at my face. I saw a glimpse of John in there. That felt reassuring somehow. My ears however, belonged to "Joan." I finished changing back into normal attire and went back downstairs. Mom was sitting in the living room with the television blaring away. She appeared lost in whatever it was she was watching. Somehow I knew that wasn’t the case.

"I see you’ve changed back," she said as I entered the living room. I saw no need to respond to the obvious and let her statement pass. I wanted to ask her, Mom? don’t you like me? Why are you trying to change me? I knew she was pretty far gone as it was and I wasn’t going to push her over the edge entirely. I sat down next to her on the couch and asked her what she was watching. She simply replied, "Oh!" as if she had no idea that the TV was on. I knew I’d need some help with her and my heart sank as I realized that I couldn’t ask Dad what we should do. As I’d done so often this last week or so, I began crying. Mom rubbed my back and soothed me with a soft voice. "It’s going to be all right John, I promise." Wanting desperately to believe her, I lay my head against her bosom and within moments I was asleep. "John sweetheart, it’s time to wake up and go to bed," she said chuckling at the silliness of her statement. I opened my eyes and felt better somehow. No, not all sunshine and lollipops better, just better.

"Goodnight Mom," I said to her.

"Goodnight John," she replied. "Oh and John? Thank you so much for this weekend. I wouldn’t have made it without your help." I wasn’t exactly sure what she meant, but I was too tired to think about it. I made my way back to my room and within seconds I was fast asleep.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 12

Monday Monday

I awoke as the buzzer sounded. It was ten minutes to seven on Monday morning. I found myself happy knowing that Dad wouldn’t be about to notice any actions I may or may not make. I kissed teddy 2 gently and made my bed. When I was done I placed her in her rightful place atop my pillow. She smiled at me. "I love you Jola" I whispered into her un-hearing ears. I made my way to the shower and cleaned myself rapidly. Earrings to twist, no problem. I stood there as I dried myself off in front of the foggy mirror and thought that I needed to take a stand. I simply couldn’t go on this way. Sam, I love you, I thought to myself as I gently toweled myself dry. Darla? I love you too, I thought as I finished the job. I wish I knew what to do.

Lunch made and breakfast finished, I bade my mother farewell. I was too wrapped up in my own problems to be concerned about hers that morning. I had time and thought about taking the long way round to Darla’s but, I didn’t want Sam to think I was trying to hide something. I was early in arriving and for once, Darla wasn’t waiting for me. I rang the doorbell and waited for her to appear. Moments later she appeared carrying my backpack in her hands as well as her own slung across her shoulders. She eyed me carefully. I guess she could tell that something was amiss. She greeted me with, "what’s wrong John?"

"Darla" I said as she handed me my backpack, "we have to talk." I’d tried rehearsing what to say and I’d arrived at so many different conclusions that it wasn’t till this very moment that I knew what I wanted to say to her. She stood there silently waiting for me to continue.

"I had a long talk with Sam yesterday," I began.

"I knew this was going to happen," she shouted in an upset tone. "I guess that means you don’t want to be my friend anymore then?" she asked.

"No, Darla, that’s not it at all," I told her. She looked at me hopefully. "Darla," I continued, "I’ve known Sam for my entire life. Hell, we learned to walk and talk together. Prior to what happened last week we never had a real fight in our lives. I’m not really sure, but I think I’m in love with her. We were just beginning to explore "those" feelings for one another when everything became difficult." I sighed aloud. I wanted to tell her that I was pretty sure I loved her too. I was so confused. I ached to tell her, but knowing what I had just said, it wouldn’t be fair to her. "Darla?" I pleaded.

"Yes John?" she asked as her tears began to flow.

"Do you think that we could be friends? You’ve been such a huge help to me, I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without you." I knew it was more than that, but I didn’t know what else to say.

She stood there in the middle of Ocean Boulevard and dropped her knapsack on the ground. I removed mine as well and pulled her close to me. I hugged her tightly and gently caressed her back while whispering that it was going to be all right. "I guess you won’t be eating lunch with me anymore?" she sobbed.

"Darla," I reassured her. "I would be honored to sit at your table if that’s all right with you?"

"What about Sam?" she asked.

"I told Sam that if she wasn’t ok with you and I being friends that she and I were finished." I so wanted to kiss her. What was wrong with me? Was I making a mistake here? It’s funny, you can plan till the cows come home what you are going to say or do but you never know till it actually happens just how you’re going to react. She reached out to me with her lips and before I knew it I was kissing her passionately. How could I be so unfaithful to Sam? She released me and said, "I’m sorry John, that wasn’t fair." I heaved a sigh of relief at having heard those words, yet I found myself aching to kiss her again… We grabbed our backpacks and continued onto school each of us lost in our own thoughts.

We were a minute or two late for first bell and there was no one else outside when we arrived. "See you at lunch?" I asked her hopefully.

"Yes!" was all she said.

The morning passed uneventfully and soon the lunch bell was ringing. Knots began forming in the pit of my stomach as I made my way to the cafeteria. I found myself hoping that Duncan would still be sitting in my former seat. He didn’t let me down. I made my way over to my new table and I was the last to arrive. I took my seat to death rays emanating from Sarah’s eyes. Darla seemed somewhat subdued but at length she asked me "John, are you coming to my birthday party?"

I was totally taken by surprise at her request. My mind ran off in several directions at once as I tried to formulate a reply. I wanted to tell her of course I’d be there just name the time and place. I sneaked a look over my shoulder and saw that Sam was watching my actions intently. "I’m not sure if I can come," I replied at last. "Things aren’t exactly perfect at home right now," I said without lying. I couldn’t believe it. Lunch was almost over and still no one had mentioned the new holes in my ears. I was grateful for that at least.

"Oh John! You have to come," Sally pleaded. "It’s a "girls only" party," she continued. "You won’t have to worry about any boys being there," she went on and then a large gasp escaped her mouth. "I’m sorry John!" she exclaimed. I actually began laughing at her pronouncement and the rest of the girls followed suit including Sarah. Thank you Sally I thought silently.

"Can I let you know later in the week Darla?" I asked her.

"Well, I guess," she said, "but I do have to know by Wednesday."

"Fair enough," I replied. With that, the bell signifying the end of lunch rang and we made our way to our afternoon classes. Mr. Benson was unusually kind to me that afternoon though he said he hadn’t finished grading the tests yet. I smiled thinking that I had indeed aced that exam.

The final bell rang and I made my way to my locker. I couldn’t believe it. I had no homework for the day. If not for my clothes still in my backpack, I’d have left the damned thing in my locker till tomorrow. I walked outside and waited for Sam as I had every day of my school life up to last week. I waited and waited. I began to wonder if she’d left without me. Oh no, not again, I hoped? Finally Sam came out and walked confidently over to me.

"Are you all right?" she asked.

"I’m fine now that you’re here," I said with a smile on my face. She grabbed my hand possessively and we began walking home.

"How did you do on your science test?" she asked me.

I laughed. "Sam, that test was on Friday. You expect me to remember what happened way back then?" She laughed at that and took it to mean that I’d simply "passed" yet again. I thought back to the ski ball games on Saturday and didn’t think she’d take it too well if I told her I was pretty sure I’d gotten a perfect score on the science exam. Hell, I still hadn’t told her about the history exam. It was funny, I enjoyed the competition, but only needed to compete with myself. I didn’t need to wave my successes in the face of the rest of the world. Well, except for Mom, but that was different , I rationalized.

"John?" she asked me. A red flag began waving in front of my eyes.

"What is it?" I asked her.

"Have you ever counted the number of cracks in the pavement on the way home?" I began giggling furiously. I couldn’t stop. I walked over to the curb, sat down and placed my head in my hands as the laughter continued to spew forth. It seemed it was contagious as Sam did the same.

"Yes, I have," I replied at length. "There are 144 cracks in the pavement between my front door and school." I replied with some authority. She eyed me unbelievingly.

"There are 147 cracks," she assured me. I knew I was right having counted those cracks three times running.

"Would you like to bet?" I asked her with a trace of skepticism in my voice. She laughed at that and told me she was just teasing me. She had no idea how many cracks were in the pavement but figured that I’d made a study of it. I punched her playfully in the arm. She accepted it gracefully. "So, how are things with you and Billy?" I felt compelled to ask. I knew what her reply would be before the words were out of her mouth.

"How are things with Darla?" she asked. She didn’t fail me.

I decided that it would be best to simply tell her. "I think Darla and I can be friends," I said confidently. I hoped desperately that what I was saying would turn out to be true. "And you and Billy?" I asked again. She sighed audibly and confessed that Billy was totally smitten with her. I found myself wanting to laugh and to kick Billy’s ass simultaneously. I also knew that I didn’t have the right to do either. Sam was being honest with me and I really wasn’t sure about my own feelings for Darla.

"Well," I said at last, "I can understand him caring for you." As I said those words an overwhelming sense of sadness overtook me. Perhaps Sam would be happier with Billy. Was I stringing her along for my own benefit? She began squeezing my hand confidently letting me know that it was me that she loved. I took solace in her strength.

As we neared home she asked me, "would you like to play some baseball this afternoon?" I was totally taken aback by her request. After everything that had transpired last week I wasn’t sure I’d ever take any pleasure in the game again.

"Sam, would you mind if I just spent the day at home?" I asked pleadingly. We stood in front of her house and she spun me around to face her.

"It’s all right Joan." With that, she kissed me deeply. My head began spinning and for a moment I wasn’t quite sure where I was. She kissed my eyes, my forehead, and finally both lobes delicately. "I love you Joan" she said sweetly. She waited for my reply. I offered it eagerly.

"I love you Sam," I said with total devotion in my voice.

"See you in the morning then?" she asked as she began to make her way towards the front door.

"Yes!" I replied enthusiastically.

I made my way across the street and hurried inside. "Mom?" I asked hesitantly. I somehow knew that she wasn’t there. I made my way into the kitchen and found a note for me on the table. "Dear Joan," it began. "I won’t be home until 6 PM would you please be a dear and have dinner ready when I get home? I’ve hated eating dinner so late over the years. Perhaps we can begin to change that now starting with dinner this evening. The menu for the week is on the refrigerator. Everything you need is here. If you have any questions or problems, please call me at work. All my love, Mom." I felt like crying as I realized that Dad wouldn’t be joining us. I also felt like I was being a baby as I realized that Sam had been without her father for years now. I was old enough. I could handle this. I made my way upstairs to have a good cry.

I tossed my backpack on my desk chair and threw myself on my bed. Teddy smiled at me expectantly. I soaked her fur with tears and found myself unable to stop crying. I fell asleep with that bear clutched tightly in my arms. It was 4: PM when I awoke and realized I’d better get my behind in gear. For some reason I felt it was important that I make myself pretty before worrying about dinner preparations. Mom had spent more than a few dollars on all this stuff for me. The least I could do was take full advantage of it. I removed the bottle of clear nail polish from my makeup kit. I painted my nails carefully. I applied my mascara and put the baby blue eye shadow on my lids, and smiled at myself in the mirror as I saw Joan beginning to emerge.

I thought about my backpack and putting my clothes away. I began to unpack my pants, ties, and shirt when I noticed a note and a pair of panties from Darla. "Dear Joan," it began;. It seemed this was the day of "Dear Joan" letters. "Thank You so much for following my instructions. I honestly didn’t think that you’d bring anything other than what you were actually wearing for me to choose from. You have no idea how happy you made me when I saw that you’d complied with my wishes. I’d really love to see you wearing my panties. The pair that I’ve packed away here are the sexiest pair I own. I’m sure that they’ll fit you. I picked up the delicate looking garment and examined it carefully. They were black nylon surrounded by pink lace. I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined Darla wearing them. It took all of my strength to keep from removing my pants and trying them on. Another time perhaps, I thought as I put them away in my dresser. If Mom found them, I doubt that she’d be freaked out at this point.

I made my way back downstairs and examined the menu for the day. Nothing fancy on the menu, thank god! I carefully began putting the meal together. Six o’clock arrived and true to her word Mom came in announcing, "Joan dear, I’m home."

"I’m in the kitchen Mom," I shouted. "Dinner should be ready in a few minutes."

She casually strolled into the kitchen and seeing me uttered: "Oh Joan! Let me look at you!" I turned to face her and her face erupted into a huge smile. "I’m not sure you’ll want to hear this," she informed me, "but, you look exactly as I did when I was your age." I didn’t want to remind Mom that there were some significant differences as my eyes swept ever so quickly across her chest.

"Er, thanks Mom," I replied. "I’m glad you’re happy with my appearance. Sit down, you must be exhausted. Would you like some coffee?"

"I could use a cup," she informed me. I got the creamer out of the refrigerator, filled her favorite ceramic cup and delivered it to her with a smile.

"Something smells delicious," she said after thanking me for the coffee.

"Oh Mom, it’s just macaroni and cheese and some soup." She laughed at that and told me it was all the sweeter cause I’d made it for her. I blushed at her comments. "Are you going to be working longer hours on a regular basis now?" I asked her.

"I’m afraid so sweetheart,,," she told me. "I think you’re big enough now to take care of yourself till I get home from work, aren’t you?" she asked me seriously.

"Of course, I’ll be fine Mom," I assured her. "I’m going to be fourteen in a couple of weeks after all."

"Soon you’ll be all grown up and off to college," she sighed.

"That’s a long ways away," I said simply. She looked as though she were about to cry and I walked over and hugged her.

"It’s going to be all right Mom, we can do this, "I said with firm conviction. She smiled at me and I went and retrieved the casserole dish from the oven. I’d had the plates set out before she arrived. I placed her soup before her and asked if she needed anything else before I sat down.

"Sweetheart, you’ve done a magnificent job. I’m so proud of you!" I smiled at that and we began to eat.

"Mom, speaking of birthdays, I’ve been invited to a party Friday night. Is that all right with you?"

"Well Joan, you’ll have to tell me more about it before I can make any kind of decision." I knew Mom was going to be upset when I told her that it would be at Darla’s and no, Sam would not be attending. Truth be told, I wasn’t so sure how I felt about that myself. What could I tell Sam and how would she react, I wondered idly.

"Well Mom, it’s Darla’s fourteenth birthday. The party is at her house and it’s ok as there won’t be any boys attending." Had I just said that out loud? Mom eyed me curiously but said nothing.

"I guess it will be all right Joan, but I’m afraid you’ll have to spend your own money on a gift for her. The entire money question is completely up in the air at the moment." Instead of worrying about my family, I found myself worrying about my allowance. Mom read the concern in my eyes. "Don’t worry Joan, your allowance won’t be affected." I sat there thinking that this was a good sign. Maybe Mom was more on the ball than I realized.

"Thanks Mom," I told her. "I really appreciate this. And, don’t worry, I’ll do my best to help you out around the house," I told her generously. We finished eating in silence.

I wanted to ask Mom if she’d talked to Dad, but I didn’t want to upset her. I figured I’d let it go for now and that she’d tell me when there was any "news" to report. "Well Joan, it’s only 7:00 PM. How should we spend the rest of the evening?" she inquired with a trace of sadness in her voice. Several excuses ran through my mind. I’ve got lots of homework, there’s a project I need to finish. I told Sam that I’d stop by to see her, etc..

In the end I found myself asking her, "I’m free this evening Mom, what would you like to do?" She looked at me as if she’d just dived in off the deep end and had forgotten how to swim. She took a cigarette out of her purse, lit it and sat there smoking and drinking the remainder of her coffee. I knew this wasn’t the time to mention her resumption of this unsavory habit.

"Do you need anything else from the store?" she asked me.

I wanted to just scream "no" but, I thought carefully and replied, "not at the moment." She smiled at that.

"Well then let’s just watch some television. What do you say to that?" I sat there worrying about my own freedom. Was I now going to have to devote all of my free time to my mother? I knew that wasn’t fair and felt guilty for entertaining such thoughts. There wasn’t anything that Mom wouldn’t do for me.

"OK, television it is then," I said as I put the last of the dishes away.

"I’m going to go and change sweetheart," she informed me and made her way up to her bedroom. "Her" bedroom, I thought sadly. I really missed my Dad. Not that we were ever close, just knowing he was about was enough.

I ran up to my own bedroom and found myself yearning to try on Darla’s panties. I knew I wasn’t going to get any rest until I did. I took them out of my drawer and made my way to my bathroom. The slippery feel of the nylon sent chills through me. Why was I having such feelings? What did it all mean? I removed my clothes and slowly slid her panties up my legs. The feeling was indescribable. My penis began rising to attention. I couldn’t get dressed with myself sticking out like that. Damn! What to do? I thought for a few moments and then turned on the cold water in the sink. I lifted my member up over the edge and allowed the cold water to strike it forcefully. It quickly shrank in retreat. I grabbed a towel, dried myself off and tried again. This time, I was successful. I wasn’t sure how long this temporary fix would last, but was determined to test it out. I put my pants back on, touched up my lipstick and made my way back downstairs.

When I arrived, Mom was already in the family room. We usually watched TV in the living room, but I guess things were changing. "Would you like something for dessert, sweetheart?" she asked me.

I considered her question for a moment before responding, "No, thanks Mom. I guess I really am watching my weight."

"I understand," she said as she filled a bowl full of chocolate ice cream for herself. I almost caved in right there, but in the end I held my ground. We spent the next few hours watching some mindless television shows. I was not a big fan of TV, much preferring to spend my time playing video games or reading. Mom would give me her appropriate romance novels when she was done with them, and I have to confess I loved reading them.

I sat there watching TV with Mom and was reminded of my nylon encased privates every time I moved. I wanted to tell Mom about them but I knew she’d never understand. Some thoughts just weren’t for sharing. Finally ten o’clock rolled around and I told Mom that I’d better be getting to bed.

"Oh, you’ll be happy to know Mom," I said. "Sam and I made up this morning and I’ll be walking to school with her tomorrow." She smiled at that and told me she knew that would happen. She might have known it, but it was news to me. I hugged her tightly and asked her if she was ok.

"I’m fine Joan," she assured me. "Get some rest sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning."

I made my way upstairs and carefully removed my clothes not wanting to damage the delicate undergarment that I’d been wearing. I folded the panties neatly and placed them back in my dresser drawer. Those were not for machine washing, I smiled. Ready for bed, I climbed under the sheets and made sure that my alarm was turned on. I turned out the light on my night stand and hugged Jola as I drifted off to sleep. The last thing I remember was asking her if she had a good day.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 13

Tuesday Afternoon

I found myself with ten extra minutes on my hands Tuesday morning. I’d forgotten to reset my clock. I wouldn’t be walking over to Darla’s. A wave of sadness washed over me as I found myself missing my new friend. I knew I just had to go to her party. What was I going to tell Sam? Why was everything so damned hard. I just wanted to be happy again. I showered and scrubbed my face carefully. Upon close examination I saw that the mascara was still in place. I considered leaving it there but in the end I got my box of eye makeup removal pads and wiped all traces of black from my lids.

Only nine days of school left till summer vacation, I smiled at the thought. Well, there was one thing to be happy about at least. I made my way downstairs and thought I’d make another stab at fixing a real breakfast. I had the time.

"Mom, breakfast will be ready in a few minutes," I shouted up the stairs. I knew Mom would never steal my food, but I thought it might help her begin her day in a better frame of mind.

"Thanks sweetheart, I’ll be down in a few," she said. The tone of her response suggested that she thought I’d lost my mind. I quickly made preparations and as Mom walked into the kitchen I began placing the food on the table. She smiled at me and said, "Thanks Joan, this is really special."

"No problem Mom," I answered, "but could I leave the dishes till I get home from school? I’m afraid I won’t have time to do them this morning." She finished her eggs and toast and as was now becoming part of a new routine, removed a cigarette from her robe and lit it. "Mom?" I implored. Her look told me that I’d better not continue. I didn’t.

I finished my breakfast, gave Mom a peck on the cheek and made my way out the door. It was a perfect spring day. I walked slowly over to Sam’s feeling lighter with each step. She appeared at the door. For some reason she looked radiant!

"Good morning, Joan," she said smiling at me.

"Oh stop it and let’s get going," I replied. We held hands as we walked. It’s funny how such a common gesture can feel so intimate given the right circumstances. I wanted to tell her about Darla’s party, but I had no idea how to broach the subject.

"John?" She asked me breaking me out of my reverie. I looked at her questioningly. "Billy has something he wants to ask you," she said cryptically.

"Well, I don’t believe I care to listen to anything that meat head has to say," I replied angrily.

Sam laughed. "Just give him a chance," she said and we continued onward. What he had to say that I’d care to listen to was beyond me. In a sense, he was responsible for the rift that had occurred between Sam and me. I shook my head knowing that that wasn’t entirely true.

I decided that I wasn’t going to worry about anything Billy had to say and we continued walking. We arrived just as the kids were getting off the bus and sure enough, Billy came marching over.

"John, I have to ask you something" he said matter of factly. I stood there as if daring him to continue. He did. "I’m having a party on Friday night and I wanted to know if you’d come over." Sam meanwhile, stood silently watching the entire exchange.

"What are you asking me for?" I said to him wanting to bash his brains all over the pavement.

"Well?" He said as his voice trailed off.

"Why?" I asked again.

"Because Sam said she wouldn’t come unless I asked you," he added truthfully. I glanced at Sam. Somehow, I felt she’d betrayed me all over again. I honestly wasn’t sure how. It was just a feeling.

"Sorry Billy, I’ve already made other plans," I said with as much sarcasm as I could muster. It almost seemed ironic to me that I actually had made other plans. Having had enough of this exchange, I asked Sam if she’d walk me home after school.

She had a hurt look in her eyes as she replied, "Sorry John, I’ve made other plans."

Damn! Not again? "Sam?" I inquired pleadingly.

"I’ll call you this evening," she said and with that we made our way inside.

Screw them all I thought, as I made my way to my locker. My life was turning into a soap opera. Realizing I’d just committed myself to attending Darla’s party, if only in my own mind, I worried about what I’d give her for a gift. I only had a few dollars left and I was determined to not dig into my reserves. The answer came to me as I sat in shop class with nothing to do. Would Mom mind if I gave Darla the jewelry box? I knew that she wouldn’t as I hadn’t even told her about it yet. Still, in my mind it belonged to her. At that, the proverbial light bulb lit up over my head. We still had eight days of school after today.
"Mr. Ferris, can I ask you something?"

"If it has anything to do with wood working, I’m your man," he grinned in reply.

"Would it be all right if I made another jewelry box?" He appeared dumbfounded. It seemed no one had ever volunteered to do more work than was actually assigned.

"Well John, as it’s the end of the school year and we still have a fair amount of supplies… yeah, I guess it would be ok." I smiled at him and thanked him profusely. He still looked at me as if I had three heads and made his way to assist the stragglers who’d yet to finish their projects. As I’d now promised Mom’s jewelry box to Darla, I vowed to make an even better one for her.

Before I knew it the lunch bell was ringing and I made my way to the cafeteria. As had happened yesterday, Darla, Sally, and Sarah were already seated. I purposefully kept myself from looking in Sarah’s direction.

"Oh My God!" Darla exclaimed as I sat down.

"What?" I wondered. "Am I on fire?" I asked and the three of them roared in laughter.

"No, but John? You now have two holes in each ear."

"Really?" I replied as if I was amazed at this revelation.

"And… let me see your hands!" It was my turn for an "oh my god" moment as I realized that I hadn’t removed the clear polish from my fingertips. What must Mr. Ferris have thought? I sat there silently while my face turned twenty shades of red.

"Oh Joan, they’re beautiful!," this from Sally, not Darla. I put on my brave face and smiled at the rest of them as if it was nothing at all.

"Well, I just think it’s the bravest thing," Darla said at length. Sarah looked at me like she wanted to challenge me to a duel.

The rest of the afternoon passed without incident as I did my best to conceal my obviously painted finger nails. Fortunately, no one else noticed. If they had, I would have heard about it. I was grateful to Sarah, for I knew she hated me, but she didn’t start spreading rumors about me. The final bell sounded and I made my way sadly to my locker. I’d be walking home alone again. I sighed as I twisted the combination lock. Out of nowhere, Darla appeared behind me.

"Would you walk home with me, I need to talk to you," she said. I felt as though I was riding on a roller coaster. Up and down, up and down. All right, I have to admit it. I loved roller coasters, but not "real life" ones. I told Darla that I’d be more than happy to walk her home and we made our way outside.

"So? Just what is it you need to talk to me about?" I asked sincerely.

"Well Joan," she replied. "As Sally told you yesterday, my birthday party is a "girls only" affair." I looked at her not comprehending where all this was going.

"And, you’re telling me this because? Does that mean I’m not seriously invited?" I asked her. "Were you simply testing me?" I went on.

"No Joan," she replied slowly. "I’d love for you to come to my party," she replied and sighed audibly.

"What is it then?" I asked her. She dropped her knapsack to the ground once again. She grabbed hold of me and shook me for all she was worth.

"I think you know that I’m in love with you?" She said with pleading eyes.

"Darla," I began. "I’m just a kid and so are you," I said hiding behind the truth of the ages. "I’m just not sure about anything at the moment," I replied honestly. "What’s this got to do with your party being an all girl affair anyway?" I asked her not sure that I wanted to know the answer.

"Well Joan," she began, "there’s no other way to say it so I’ll just come out with it. My parents think that you’re gay."

"They WHAT?"

"No, don’t you see? It’s perfect this way! You see, there’s one thing I forgot to mention. My party is a sleep over." I stood there trying to process this information. No wonder her parents didn’t care if I went up to Darla’s room.

"You’ve invited me to a girls’ slumber party?" I asked incredulously.

"John, I just knew more than anything else that I wanted you there," she said while staring at me doe eyed. Slowly, my heart began to melt. I knew I wanted to be there too; with her.

"Did you get my gift?" she asked.

"Um, no, I’ve not had a chance to go shopping yet," I replied.

She laughed at that and said, "No, silly! Not a gift for me, my gift to you."

"Oh!" was all I could manage. She could see the blood rush to my cheeks and knew that I had indeed received her gift. "Yes, I did Darla, and thank you!"

"Will you wear them to my party?" she asked seriously. Would I wear what? Oh no, this was getting a bit too strange. "It will help to convince everyone," she said using some twisted logic of her own.

"How is my underwear going to convince anyone of anything?" I asked logically. It was her turn to blush.

"Well, when the other girls are parading about in their panties, you won’t feel out of place," she said at last. I had to think about this. What was I getting myself into here? "John?" she asked as we neared her front door. "Will you walk me to school tomorrow?" This was all happening much too fast.

She knew what I meant when I replied, "I’m not sure if I’ll be able to." Her face turned dark, but only for a moment. Her spirit would not be diminished. "Can I call you tonight?" I asked hopefully.

"Of course you can silly!"

I smiled at her familiarity. I hugged her at her front door and she kissed me gently on both cheeks. I didn’t realize why she did that till I was almost home. I believe she was putting on a show for her mother in case she was watching. Girls, I thought as I made my way in the front door. There would be no more pronouncements of "Mom, I’m home," I thought sadly as I entered the foyer. I heard a scratching noise and ran to the kitchen to see what it was. Shandy was attempting to turn the back door into sawdust with her paws. I guess this was affecting her life too. "Come on in girl!" I said to her with more enthusiasm than I felt. She smiled at me, wagged her tail, and made a beeline for her food dish.

My life seemed to be getting more complicated by the minute. I found myself wondering just what Sam’s previous plans entailed. Did she just make that up to hurt me? And what was I going to do about Darla? I think it would have been easier if I actually had homework to do. Something to take my mind off all this nonsense. The next thing I knew I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup. Why was I doing this? I honestly had no idea. It just made me feel better. I was gaining practice putting the mascara on my lower lids. The black liquid really made my eyes stand out. I was tired of invisible lipstick and went and retrieved Sam’s bright red and coated my lips liberally. I twisted my earrings and posed as sexily as I could in the mirror. I started to wonder just who I was "posing" for as I stared into the glass with my best "come hither" look. I finished primping my hair, gave myself one last smile and kiss and headed off to my room.

I had an overwhelming urge to put Darla’s panties on again. Why not? I thought at last. I hurriedly removed my clothes and slid them slowly up my legs. The sensations were blissful and I felt myself about ready to explode. Should I make my way to the cold water? It was only moments later when I found myself back in the bathroom. This time however, I was there washing out my panties. I hung them over the shower curtain to dry. They were so pretty and delicate. I was sad that I didn’t have another pair to put on. For a moment I considered checking out Mom’s dresser but in the end I managed to control myself. I looked at my fingers and decided that I liked the clear polish and wasn’t about to remove it for anyone. I got out the bottle and gave my nails another coat. The task completed, I went and grabbed my Mary Janes from the closet and put them on. They did look better sitting atop a proper pair of hose. I smiled at myself again in the full-length mirror. Joan smiled back at me.

This evening’s dinner would prove to be a bit more of a challenge. Thankfully, Mom had left complete instructions and ended with her lame joke that I’d make some girl the perfect wife someday. I preheated the oven and remembering my promise to Mom, I began to take note of what cleaning needed to be done. The kitchen would be first on my list. The floor was starting to take on a gray tinge. I put the roast in the oven, got a bucket and some sponges and began cleaning the cabinets. I looked down at my shoes and realized that they could get ruined while doing this messy work. Back upstairs I changed into some cutoffs, a tee shirt, and my flip flops completed the scrub woman effect. I was determined to get the kitchen sparkling clean. As the clock neared 4:30, I knew I wouldn’t have time to do a proper job of the floor. I refilled my bucket and gave it a quick going over with the squeegee mop. It was now ten minutes to five. I put the potatoes in the oven, put all the cleaning supplies away, and stood there admiring my work. It felt good to see a job well done. I made my way upstairs and began preparing myself for Mom’s arrival. I decided that a shower was in order after taking a quick whiff of my armpits. YUCK!

I went and checked Mom’s bathroom to see if she had some sweet-smelling soap I could use. Mission accomplished, I took a very brief shower. I can’t believe I forgot to move the panties from the curtain rod before showering. They were now as wet as ever. I sighed as I dried myself off and began thinking about what to wear. I decided on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt that I’d grown out of two years ago. It hugged my chest tightly and ended just above my navel. I re-did my makeup and realized I was getting really good at it. I smiled as I put the "fearless fuchsia" (dark red) on my lips. I put my knee high stockings on and finished up with my maryjanes. I inspected myself in the mirror. Damn, my nails had been ruined! I cleaned off my fingers and decided to go with something a little more daring. The light pink polish added just a tinge of color to my nails. I smiled as I remembered Darla holding and examining my hands. A quick spray of "Cool Water" and I was back downstairs to finish dinner preparations.

I checked the roast. It appeared to be perfect. I made the salad next. I used the big serving bowl and got out the proper wooden salad bowls. Tonight we were eating in the dining room. I hoped Mom liked it! For an added touch, I put the long tapered candles on either end of the table. It was five minutes to six and everything was ready for Mom’s imminent arrival. I checked my appearance in the hall mirror one last time and told Joan, who stared back at me, that I thought we’d done a good job. A few minutes later I heard Mom’s car pull up in the driveway. Damn! I’d forgotten to light the candles. That done, I ran to greet my mother as she came up the walk. I saw her open the screen door and I whipped the front door open in anticipation.

"What’s this!" she exclaimed upon entering. She stood back a moment and looked at me. "Joan" she said "I can’t believe it. You grow prettier by the day." I beamed at her and gave her a huge hug. "I can’t believe how hungry I am," she said as she made her way into the kitchen. "I’ll set the table for you sweetheart," she said noticing the bare kitchen table.

"No Mom!" I shouted. "Tonight we eat in the dining room," I replied as I escorted her to her chair.

"Oh Joan, the table is beautiful! I could certainly get used to this," she said as she took her seat.

"Would madam care for a beverage?" I asked her in my best waiter voice.

Without thinking she replied "Yes, thank you. I’ll have a gin and tonic with a twist. Oh, you don’t know how to do that, do you dear?"

"Madam, rest easy. Your drink order will be filled post haste," I replied laying it on as thick as I knew how. She took a cigarette from her purse, lit it, inhaled deeply, and waited for my return.

I can do this, I told myself as I made my way to the liquor cabinet. I retrieved the bottle of gin and ran into the kitchen. I filled a tall tumbler with ice and poured what I hoped was a shot of gin in the glass. I filled the remainder up with tonic water and moving as fast as I could, sliced a bit of lime placing it carefully on the rim of her glass.

"Your drink madam" I said as I delivered it to her.

"Thank you Miss," she replied. Funny, when Dad said that to me I was hurt, when Mom said it, I was proud at the reference. We engaged in chit chat as I brought the food to the table.

"Will madam be requiring anything else?" I asked solicitously.

"Sweetheart, I’m at a loss for words. Just get yourself a glass of milk and let’s eat." She began telling me of her new responsibilities at the library. I found myself both interested and wishing that I could ignore it all as I once had. Dinner finished, I cleared the table and began doing the dishes. A woman’s work is never done. I smiled at the thought.

"So this is the red lipstick that you were hiding from me?" she asked at length. "It really suits you. Oh, and let me see your nails. I guess you’ll get some use out of that makeup kit after all," she said chuckling. I didn’t know what to say to any of it. I let it go and continued cleaning up. Mom followed me into the kitchen and helped with the dishes.

"Joan, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your cooperation. It really makes all the difference in the world!" I smiled at her and found myself desperately wanting to ask her about Dad. Was he ever coming home? "Sweetheart, I really need to change out of these clothes" she said at last.

"Go ahead Mom, I’ll finish up in here." She made her exit and I continued on. I took a fair sized piece of meat and cut it into small bits to add to Shandy’s bowl. I opened the back door and beckoned her inside. She almost knocked me down as she ran appreciatively to her dinner.

Mom came back downstairs and told me to put on a proper shirt as we were going shopping.

"Shopping? Again?" I said whiningly.

"Hush up Joan. Just go and do as you’re told." I was both elated and scared at the prospect. I knew one thing for sure. Mom wasn’t getting me anywhere near the Piercing Palace

"You look lovely sweetheart," she said when I returned. "Grab your purse and let’s go shop!" I hesitated for a moment and I could tell that if I didn’t move quickly, I’d have a weeping mother on my hands. Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed "my" purse and we made our way back to the scene of the crime. "I don’t suppose you’ll be wanting any more holes in your ears?" She laughed as we pulled into the parking lot. I eyed her suspiciously. "It’s all right Joan, I’ll be good, I promise" she offered sincerely. I took her at her word and we made our way into the mall. "I need to get a few things," she said ambiguously as we headed off to Macy’s lingerie department.

"What now?" I wondered aloud as she urged me forward.

"You’ll see," was her cryptic response. I don’t know how I knew, but I knew I was in trouble.

The store didn’t have carts or baskets and Mom’s arms soon began overflowing with items. I looked at her questioningly as she asked me to help her carry stuff. "Just carry them for me" she commanded. "They won’t bite you." She said and laughed as if she’d made a joke. Her purchases made, we left the store and headed for the food court.

"A cup of coffee?" she asked.

"Sounds like a good idea," I said as we entered the queue. We got our drinks and made our way to an open table for two.

"Don’t look now sweetheart" but those boys over there are staring at you."

I laughed and said, "yeah right."

"No, I’m serious," she replied. "But don’t acknowledge them or they’ll be over here in a heartbeat," she said knowingly. Great, now I’ve got guys ogling me at the mall. What the hell was wrong with me? I looked at myself in the mirror across the way from where I sat and at last understood why those guys were looking. Damn, I was pretty. The flood of mixed emotions overtook me and my eyes began leaking.

"It’s all right Joan. Boys know a pretty girl when they see one," Mom said and smiled.

I really just wanted to go somewhere, curl up in a ball, and die. I was beginning to think that John was lost to me forever. What was I going to do? Mom sat there smoking, drinking her coffee, and smiling at me. I certainly wasn’t going to get any help there. Well, unless I needed a new slip, I thought sardonically.

"Mom, you bought those things at Macy’s for me, didn’t you?" I asked knowing the answer.

"Well sweetheart, a girl needs more than one pair of panties," she replied looking deep into my eyes. I hadn’t really paid any attention, but I knew she’d bought quite a few things. I felt both fear and anticipation as I sat there staring at the bags. "Come on girl, finish your coffee. We’re not done yet." I felt my knees lock in place at her words. Could I stop this without her falling apart? Did I want to?

"I forgot a few things at Macy’s," she informed me. Oh no!

"Mom, couldn’t we get them another time?" I asked pleadingly.

"No time like the present," and back into the hub store we went. She dragged over to the girls’ department; "Juniors" I believe it’s called. There she began holding skirts up against herself as if considering the look. As these clothes were for teens, she looked a bit ridiculous. She saw me smiling, laughing at her actions and began holding them up against my waist. Once again I found myself wanting to die. I stood there like a wooden statue and offered no protest. I knew it would be useless and would only draw unwanted attention from the other shoppers. "I really think blue’s your color," she said holding a blue pleated skirt to my waist. "Do you like it sweetheart?" I had no idea how to respond. I was numb. She eyed me quizzically and I could tell she was beginning to lose her already tenuous grip on reality.

"It’s beautiful Mom," I replied at length, not wanting to cause a scene. She carried the skirt over to the vast selection of blouses. Having purchased clothes for me all my life, she seemed to know my size without asking.

She continued pouring through the racks and finally settled on a blue floral print with a plunging neckline.

"Would your daughter like to try that on?" a sales clerk appearing out of nowhere asked.

"No thank you," I replied hoping she’d just go away.

"My daughter’s a little shy," Mom said intervening.

I felt relieved for a moment but then the clerk said "Oh, no problem, we have private changing rooms." Now what was I going to do?

"Great!" Mom said and began pulling me in the direction of the fitting rooms.

"Mom, I can’t do this!" I implored her. "Someone’s going to notice me"

"Nonsense," was her one word reply. It was highly unusual, but Mom came into the closet-like room with me.

"Mom please!" I begged with one last futile attempt.

"Hush child and just do as you’re told," she offered authoritatively. I willed myself away and complied with her requests. Somewhere in the distance I heard her voice saying, "Oh Joan, it was made for you." I quickly removed the clothing and handed it to her. It seemed a losing battle trying to keep her on the proper side of reality.

Satisfied with her selections, Mom paid for the items and we made our way towards the exit. "Oh Joan Look! They have skorts!" A skort, what the hell is a skort? It seems a skort was really a pair of shorts with a panel across the front giving it the appearance of being a skirt. Mom quickly selected a red one and a black one; both in my size. "You’re going to need some casual tops with these" she said as she dragged me back to the racks. I was there in body only. My mind had left the store a long time ago. Mom quickly selected a few tops and it was back to the checkout line. The pile of bags was getting ludicrous. I felt like asking her just when I was going to wear all this stuff. I was afraid of hearing her reply.

"Just one more stop sweetheart," she said as she dragged back to the pharmacy. I began to focus once again. I couldn’t imagine that she could embarrass me more than she already had. I was wrong on that count. I stood there silently as Mom asked the clerk if they had any silicone breast forms. I wanted to melt into the floor. Mom went on to explain that I was slow in developing and felt self-conscious about my non-existent breasts. The clerk smiled at me knowingly and led Mom over to the display. "We don’t want anything too big," Mom announced for all the world to hear. The young lady assisting us looked at me sympathetically. I’m sure in a sense we both shared the same thought simultaneously: "mothers." Mom squealed in delight as she found just what she was looking for. "Add A Cup" breast forms. "Look Joan! These are perfect! And, and, they’ll grow with you!" I couldn’t believe my ears. Maybe having two holes in each ear did alter what one heard?

Mom excitedly placed the item in our basket and led me back to the makeup section. "Your eyes are beautiful," she informed me. "But you really need some eyeliner and an eyebrow pencil," she continued. I stood there thinking that this was never going to end as Mom continued placing items in our basket. "Come on girl," she said to me. "Just one more aisle and we’re finished." She walked over to the aisle of soaps and cleansers and selected several things. I noticed that she put a package of the same soap she used in the basket. "That should keep you out of my bathroom for awhile," she said as she added the final items. It seemed there was no keeping any secrets from her. I sighed audibly as we made our way to the checkout counter. My arms were getting sore from carrying all of the packages. I thought money was a major concern? As I ran a quick tally in my head of all the purchases, the magnitude of it all hit me. Oh my God! I was almost in shock as I realized that Mom had spent several hundred dollars on this simple outing.

"Joan, you do need a new pair of sunglasses, don’t you? she asked as we waited in line.

"Sure," I replied sarcastically. I was going to have to work on my sarcasm as Mom pulled us out of line and over to the large display in the front of the store.

"Oh look sweetheart! These are very pretty. Here, try them on."

Grateful that I wouldn’t be dragged into a ladies’ dressing room to try on sunglasses I accepted the proffered item from her and put them on. I had to admit they did make me look very pretty, and older too. Joan, a woman of mystery, I laughed to myself as I handed them back to Mom.

"They’re perfect," I said to her meaning every word. I just wondered where and when I’d ever use them. She smiled at me and at last we paid the bill and headed back to the car.

Items packed away, we headed home. "So, do you like all your new things?" she asked.

"I’m not really sure," I said hoping that she could handle a bit of honesty.

"Well, if there’s anything you don’t like you can simply return it for a refund."

Sure Mom, I thought. I could see myself returning a blouse explaining that it just didn’t hang properly. I laughed aloud at the insanity of it all. Mom took my laughter as an expression of joy and joined in. We arrived home and I found myself loaded down with bags as we made our way to the front door. Something was amiss. It seemed my father had come home to collect some things while we were out. Where was Dad staying, I wondered? Why hadn’t he called me to let me know what was going on? I suddenly remembered that Sam was supposed to call and ran over to check the answering machine. There were no messages. I wondered for a moment if she’d just been putting me off when she told me she’d call.

I stood there and felt the warmth of my tears as they began to soak my cheeks. "What’s wrong Joan?" Mom asked. I wanted to give her my standard "nothing" reply, but I was afraid it would set her off.

"Sam was supposed to call me" I said dolefully.

"Well, maybe she just didn’t want to leave a message on the machine?" Mom suggested. I thought about that for a moment, and realized that was a real possibility. Sam had probably called and when no one answered figured that I wasn’t talking to her again. But, what if that wasn’t the case at all? I stood there playing a game of mental ping pong with myself for a few minutes when I heard Mom’s loud, but not screaming voice telling me to "go call her."

I hurried upstairs and dialed her number. Her phone must have rung twenty times before I gave up in despair. I tried again thinking that maybe I had dialed the wrong number on my first attempt. Still, no reply. I hung up the phone and grabbed Jola off of my pillow. I hugged her tight and informed her of my misery. All she did was smile at me moronically in return. Somehow, I felt even sadder. Maybe Sam was out as we had been? I thought at last. With that thought in mind I bounded down the stairs ran out to the front lawn and saw the light burning in her bedroom window. She’s home, I realized. I decided to make one more attempt at contacting her and rang her phone again. This time and for the next half hour, it was busy. I gave up in despair.

It was closing in on 9:30 when I remembered that I’d promised to call Darla. Could I handle that right now, I wondered? I found myself staring into my mirror applying some of Darla’s mauve before making the call. Yes, I was indeed losing my mind. The phone was answered on the second ring. "This is John calling. May I please speak to Darla?" I inquired respectfully.

"No!" said Darla herself as she burst into giggles. "Where have you been?" she asked. I was beginning to think that you weren’t going to call." I didn’t tell her that I’d almost forgotten.

"Sorry Darla, I had to go shopping with my mother. You see, things are really unstable here at the moment." My voice began to choke up.

"John, what’s wrong?" The tone of her voice suggested serious concern. I began weeping softly as I told her that my father had left us.

"Oh, John, I’m so sorry." Her sorrow expressed, I mumbled the only appropriate response:

"Thank you."

"Well John, it is getting late. Did you have something you wanted to ask me?" Lost in a moment of confusion, I quickly regained my balance.

"Darla, would you walk with me to school tomorrow?" I asked hoping that’s what she was referring to.

"Are you sure you want to, John?" Was I now supposed to beg her company on the trek to school?

"Yes Darla, I’m sure."

"But?" she inquired. I guess everyone on the planet could read me like a book. I considered carefully what I wanted to say.

"But," I went on "I’m not really sure if I’m being fair to you. It seems Sam and I are at odds again. I don’t want to "use" you," I said as a sob escaped my throat.

"It’s all right John,. I understand. And yes, I’d love to walk to school with you in the morning."

"You would?" I asked somewhat astounded.

"Yes John, I would."

"Thanks Darla, you’re the best,." I said sincerely. We chatted a few minutes more before saying goodnight. I hung up the phone and made my way to the bathroom.

Mom, hearing the rumble of my feet asked me if I’d gotten in touch with Sam. "I tried calling her a bunch on times Mom. She’s not answering."

"Well, maybe she’s out," Mom offered.

"Nope," I replied, "I checked that too."

"Then who were you talking with on the phone?" she asked.

"That was Darla, Mom," I said.

Her single syllable reply was a knowing "Oh!" A minute or two passed and Mom came up into my room.

"I guess we’d better get your new acquisitions put away," she said sadly.

"I don’t know where I’m going to put all this stuff," I honestly replied.

"Well, your new blouses go on hangers and your skirts we can put in your dresser," she said matter of factly. She opened the bag of lingerie and looked at me pleadingly. I didn’t know what else to do, so I asked her if I could try some of it on first. At that, her mood brightened.

"What shall I try on first?" I asked her. She took out a dark blue bra and panty set and held it up to me hopefully. What the hell was I going to do with a bra? And then, I remembered: the breast forms, of course.

I took the items from her hands and told her she could either turn around or leave. She turned around. I didn’t realize it till later, but with her back to me she could still scrutinize my every move in the mirror on my door. I pulled the nylon panties up with ease. It must have been my mother’s presence but I had no "reaction" in my private parts. For that, I was grateful. I held the bra in my hands for some time having no clue as to how to put it on. Finally Mom started laughing.

"Here sweetheart. Give it to me. Place your arms through the shoulder straps. That’s it, now reach up behind you and fasten the clasps."

Easier said than done. I couldn’t get my arms anywhere near high enough to fasten the damned thing. "There is another way to do it," she said cryptically, "but, you’re going to learn the right way. Ok Joan, take it off." I removed the garment hopefully. "Now, look at the clasp. You see the eye and hook fastener? Just try it once right here in front of you." I did as she suggested. "Now, when it’s behind your back remember how easy that was and just do it."

I slid my arms through the straps and started again. I still couldn’t get my arms up high enough. Mom grabbed my arms and pushed them higher.

"Ow! That hurts!"

"You’ll get used to it sweetheart," she said with conviction. "Ok, now connect the hook and eye. You know, you’re lucky this bra has only one clasp," she said.

For joy, for joy, I should be thrilled that "my" bra had only one clasp. I sighed. "Ok, that’s it. You’ve got it!" I smiled at her as if I’d just accomplished something significant. "Now take it off" she commanded.

"What?" I said unbelieving.

"Take it off." I took it off. "Ok, now do it again."

"You’ve got to be kidding me?" She made me practice this procedure until I could do it with my eyes closed. I have to admit, it did get easier with practice.

"Just a minute," she said as she rummaged through the bags. "Now, let’s put these in the cups and see how you look." I was on sensory overload at that point. "Look here Joan, there’s a left one and a right one. See the way they taper off on the ends?" I took them and slid them gently into the cups. I turned around to look at myself in the mirror. Oh my God! Mom smiled at me and said "Now you look exactly as I did when I was your age."

I eyed her skeptically. "Just a minute Joan, I’ll be right back. She left and I heard her rummaging around in her closet. She returned shortly with a huge smile on her face and held open the photo album for me to see. Looking at myself in the mirror and then at her picture, she was right. We could have been sisters. She put down the album and gave me a hug. Tears of joy rolled gently down her cheeks. I so wanted her to be happy, but at what cost to myself?

"Try on the pleated skirt" she begged. I took the garment and pulled it up my waist. It had a back zip, but after the bra experience I had no problem locating and fastening it. "And now your new top!" I slid the silky blouse over my head. "You can wear that out or tucked in," she informed me. I left it out and again looked in the mirror. "Oh Joan, you’re so damned pretty." I had to agree I was indeed pretty. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I only knew that overall I was pleased with my appearance.

"Do you want to try on the rest of your stuff now?"

"It’s getting late Mom. Can we wait until tomorrow?"

"Of course we can sweetheart," she said sympathetically. I still couldn’t get over my appearance. "Oh, and Joan, I don’t believe you noticed, but I did get you something else" What now I wondered. "This razor is for you," she said pulling it out of the bag. You don’t have much hair on your legs, but even a little looks gross under a pair of stockings. I want you to shave your legs when you get home from school tomorrow, all right?" Holy Jesus, how could I ever explain that to anyone?

"Sure Mom," I said just wanting her to go away at that point. She smiled and hugged me close and bade me goodnight. I spent another half hour putting everything away.

It was ten thirty before I was ready to turn out the lights. I did and lay there wondering whether I was just using Mom as an excuse to carry out my own desires. I honestly didn’t know. I gave Jola a big hug and kiss and drifted off to dreamland.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

John's trials and tribulations continue.

Story:

Chapter 14

Somebody to Love

Wednesday morning arrived and I awoke without the need of the alarm clock. I found myself totally confused by Sam’s behavior. She had been my best friend all my life. She told me she loved me more than a few times in this last week. And now? Now she was behaving like a total idiot. My anger almost overrode the sadness that consumed me. I decided to hit the shower and hoped that the hot water would wash away my sorrows. It didn’t entirely, but I did feel better when I’d finished. I put my room back together, got dressed and made my way downstairs. Looking out the kitchen window, the day promised rain. I felt a sense of foreboding as I made my lunch. Thankfully, Mom had taken care of grocery purchases. There were ample cold cuts to choose from. I ate my breakfast in silence, wondering what the day would bring.

Mom was late awakening and I made sure she was up before I headed out the door. I looked both ways before deciding which direction to head off in. Finally, I decided "screw it." I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life hiding from Sam. She was the one who changed the rules at every opportunity, not me. I strode passed her house and kept my eyes straight ahead. I so wanted to look over; searching for any kind of sign that she still cared. "Damn it John, just keep walking!" I screamed at myself. I arrived at Darla’s in record time. She came out to greet me as always. Her smile lifted my spirits as we began our purposeful walk to school.

"So, isn’t it great to be finished with another school year?"

"Ah well, I’ve still a few things left to accomplish," I told her while thinking about the jewelry box I needed to create. She looked at me as though I was hiding something from her.

"What is it John? What do you have to do yet at school?"

"Nothing," I replied and smiled. Perhaps I’d tell her when all was said and done, but now was not the time. "Darla?" I asked her. She looked at me quizzically. "Have you ever counted the cracks in the pavement on the way to school?" Now she looked at me as if I had lost my mind.

"Should I be worrying about you John?" she asked sincerely. I broke into laughter.

"Thanks Darla, I needed that." She eyed me even more carefully if that was possible before letting the matter drop.

"John, can you come over to my house after school for a few minutes?"

"I guess," I replied thinking of my new responsibilities. She sighed as if I was being difficult.

"Can you, or can’t you?"

"Yes!" I said emphatically enough to end the discussion. I wondered why she wanted me to come over on a Wednesday afternoon? Ah well, at least it would give me something to think about all day long. I smiled at the thought. Before I knew it we’d arrived at our destination. We were early and I found myself surveying the crowd for any sign of Sam. There was none.

The bell rang and we made our way inside. Next thing I knew, I was in shop class selecting from the best pieces of pine remaining to build my mother’s gift. Mr. Ferris came over and asked me just what the hell I was doing. I felt hurt for a moment before realizing that he’d probably forgotten my intentions to build another jewelry box. A light finally beamed from his eyes.

"Ah yes! You wanted to build another jewelry box, didn’t you?" I smiled at him blankly. "Well, hang on a second John. I’ve got some nice oak pieces left over. Do you think you can handle them?" I looked at him as if I’d lost another to insanity. He laughed at my expression. "Well John, working with oak is a bit more difficult than working with pine" he explained. "Do you think you’re up to the task?"

"Sure," was my enthusiastic reply. I selected several pieces from the remaining stock and began to make my measurements. The bell sounded as I finished marking the last pieces to cut. I worried about the time remaining to complete the job. Only seven days left after this one. I knew I’d have to stay after school to work on it at some point. I hoped Mr. Ferris would be available.

At length the lunch bell sounded and I made my way to the cafeteria. The new routine established, I didn’t even raise a glance as I made my way to my seat. I smiled knowingly at Sarah’s death glance. I thought to myself if there was one constant in this world, that was it.

"Oh John!" Sally exclaimed. Oh no, I’d done it again. What now, I wondered? "Let me see your hands!" Oh shit, I thought remembering that I’d left the "pink" on my nails. I put on my bravest face and held my hands out for her inspection. Darla and Sarah just sat there quietly taking it all in. "They’re beautiful!" she expounded. I gave her a knowing smile conveying thoughts of "no big deal" as I concentrated on my lunch. Sarah sat there in stone cold silence. Darla’s only comment was to remind me that I was stopping over her house for a few minutes.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully and I found myself dumping all of my texts in my locker. I thought idly that I had no need to carry my knapsack for the next seven days. I exited the building and the rain was coming down in torrents. Darla appeared out of nowhere and told me that her mother was waiting for us. I thought of Sam. Whenever the weather had been bad, Mom would always make sure we arrived home safe and dry. I hoped beyond hope that she was ok as I followed Darla to her mother’s waiting automobile.

"Good Afternoon, Mrs. Raspberry," I said upon entering the back seat of her Mercedes.

"Did you kids have a good day?" she asked. I replied for the both of us informing her that the day had been perfect and was only made better by her arrival. I didn’t realize my ability to affect people till that moment. Mrs. Raspberry smiled, turned several shades of red and replied "Oh John, you charmer you!" We arrived at the Raspberry mansion and Darla and I exited the vehicle while her mother put the car away. We stood in the foyer shaking the bits of rain that had attacked us off and waited for Mrs. Raspberry to appear. She came in and Darla informed her that we were going up to her room for a few minutes. Her mother smiled at that and I thought that her parents must indeed think I was gay. We made our way up the stairs.

For the first time that day Darla took my hand in hers as we ascended the stairs. Finally in her room, I asked her just why I needed to be there. "Shut up and kiss me," she said wrapping her arms around my neck. I was totally taken aback and found myself complying with her wishes. Her kisses were becoming more intimate, if that was possible. As we kissed, I closed my eyes and thought of how wonderful things had been since I met her. At last she released me from her grasp and awakened me from my dream.

"John?"

"Yes Darla," I responded hopefully.

"I’ve put together an outfit for you to wear on Friday night." WHAT?… Houston, we have a problem, I almost said aloud. "You know silly!" she said coyly. "My party is a girls only affair and it won’t do to have you dressed as you are." What the hell was wrong with the way I was dressed? I waited patiently for her to continue. Without a word she was off to her massive closet. Hell, her closet was as big as my bedroom. She returned shortly carrying a bag and handed it to me. "For you," was all she said.

I slowly opened the bag. I knew its contents without peering inside but I made a big show of it as I looked in. A dress was at the top of the heap folded expertly by Darla herself.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I asked in a state of panic.

"You’re supposed to wear it," she replied not mincing any words. If I could, I’d still be holding my breath.

"Darla, I’m not so sure this whole thing is a good idea,." I told her at length.

"John?" She looked at me sadly. "Don’t you want to come to my party?"

"You know I do," I replied sincerely.

"Then what’s the problem?" She knew what the problem was, but was determined to have her way. "John, it would make the other girls uncomfortable if a "boy" were to attend one of our "girls only" slumber parties. I looked at her and began thinking again that this was not a good idea. "Ok then, just forget it." She grabbed the bag from my hands and ran towards her walk-in closet.

"No wait!" I begged her. "Darla, I’m sorry. It’s just that this is all a bit overwhelming." She kept walking. "Darla, Please!" She turned around and looked at me as if she wasn’t sure of my sincerity.

"Please," I said softly one more time.

"Oh John, I just know we’re going to have a wonderful time." I was glad somebody was sure of something. She began taking the clothes out of the bag. "Now, I put your outfit together for you last night," she informed me. I’d wear girls’ clothes if I had to, but I wasn’t sure I’d show up wearing Darla’s hand me downs. Then again, that would probably be the smartest thing to do. What would everyone think if I showed up wearing "my own" skirt and blouse? Sweet Jesus, I was losing my mind. Besides the red dress, the bag contained a full length slip, a pair of peds, and the exact same shoes that I already owned. I could tell that Darla’s shoes would be too small for me. "Do you think you can manage all of this stuff?"

"It’s not rocket science Darla, I’m sure I can figure it out."

"There’s one more thing." She walked over to her triple dresser and removed the most beautiful bra from it that I’d ever seen. It matched the black and pink panties.

I stood there tongue-tied as she placed it in my hands. I wanted to ask her just what I was supposed to do with it, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she knew I’d be able to handle it with no trouble at all.

"Well go ahead silly, try it all on!" she demanded.

"Er, not right now Darla," I said with as much authority as I could muster. I went on to promise her however that I would be properly dressed for her party. She gave me a look that suggested I was a party-pooper. I smiled at her reassuringly and told her that I had to be getting home. One of these days I’d explain my entire home situation to her, but now was not the time. Fortunately, my backpack was empty and I was able to fit all of the items into it. "Darla, do you have just one more thing I could borrow?" I asked her playfully. I could tell her mind was thinking along the lines of female attire when she gave up at last and asked

"What do you need John?"

"An umbrella!" I exclaimed and began laughing. She laughed with me and playfully punched me on the shoulder.

She took my hand and we made our way downstairs. She told me to wait in the foyer and disappeared for a minute. Upon returning she handed me the most outlandish looking umbrella I’d ever seen. It was bright red with a large red candy cane handle.

"Don’t you have a basic black one I could borrow?"

"Beggars can’t be choosers," she replied. I looked at the umbrella and looked out the window at the downpour that didn’t look like it would let up anytime soon. Sighing, I took the umbrella from her and thanked her for everything.

"Are we on for a walk to school in the morning?" She asked me. I could tell she was testing me, waiting to see where my loyalties lied.

Thankfully, I had anticipated her question and responded "absolutely" with no hesitation at all in my voice. My thoughts however, were less certain than my voice let on. Was I ever going to stop thinking about Sam? I gave her a hug and she repeated the cheek kissing sequence that she’d implemented yesterday. I knew it would freak her out, but I decided that turnabout was fair play. I bobbed my head from side to side and kissed her in the same fashion. We both burst into a fit of giggles over that.

"You got me!" she said at last. I smiled at her knowingly and made my way outside to brave the elements. As I walked home, I really began to worry about Sam. Did she make it home all right? I decided that I’d give her a call when I got home. The rain drenched me even with the aid of the umbrella. The streets and sewers were overflowing as flash flooding took effect. I arrived home wetter than a whale. The rain had brought with it much cooler air and I began to shiver. I took off my shoes and ran up to my bathroom. Five minutes later I was dried and fully dressed.

I picked up the phone and dialed Sam’s number without thinking. Aunt Alice answered on the third ring. "Hi Aunt Alice, is Sam at home?" At least this way I’d know whether or not she made it home safely I thought slyly.

"No John, she isn’t. She went over to a friend’s house after school. I’ll tell her you called," she said and hung up on me. Aunt Alice and I had never been really close, but I found myself wondering whether she herself was responsible for the cold front that had arrived. At that point, I made a promise to myself that I knew I’d be unable to keep. I resolved not to call Sam again. I stood there still holding the phone to my ear until a high-pitched staticy sound awoke me and I placed the phone back on the receiver. I dove onto my bed and hugged Jola to my chest tightly. I had been determined not to cry again, but my body had other ideas. Darla was a great friend, but she wasn’t Sam. I examined the entire situation as carefully as I could. Was all of this my fault? I knew the answer to that was no. I narrowed my search. Was any of this my fault? Being realistic, I figured that I couldn’t be entirely blameless here. However, if I was responsible for this, I couldn’t see how. Hell, Sam never even gave me a chance to explain. Last thing I remember saying was that "I’d made other plans." That could have meant anything. Besides, I wouldn’t have attended Billy’s party even if I hadn’t made other plans. I was done with him.

I fell asleep hugging Jola. It was 4:35 PM when I awoke according to the clock on my night stand. I jumped out of bed. Oh no! I’ve got to make dinner. I ran downstairs and went into the kitchen. Mom was expecting meatballs and spaghetti at six o’clock. It would be close, but maybe. I realized that dinner wouldn’t be ready till 6:30, but what can you do? At least it wouldn’t be 7:30 PM. I never liked going to bed with a full stomach and that’s how I often felt when we ate so late. Suddenly, I remembered Shandy. The poor dog was outside stuck in her tiny dog house in the backyard. I opened the back door and before I could get the screen door open Shandy was there ready to come inside. She gave me a sad look and I felt guilty as hell. "I’m sorry girl," I said to her. A moment later she was off to her food bowl. All had been forgiven. If only people were like dogs, I smiled as I began making the meatballs.

With dinner cooking I hoped I’d be able to slow Mom down a bit by having a gin and tonic ready for her upon arrival. I didn’t mix it till she came though the door and that’s a good thing cause she was late.

"I’m sorry John, the roads are horrible out there," she said as she came through the door at 6:20 PM. I laughed as I told her I was about to organize a searching party. She took her usual seat at the kitchen table and without being prompted I brought her drink. She smiled at that and began to fill the air with smoke, drinking and puffing away contentedly.

"Did you have any trouble making the meatballs?" she asked. I laughed.

"Well Mom, I’ll let you be the judge of that." The water in the big pot boiling, I placed half the contents of the angel hair pasta box into it. I loved angel hair pasta. It wasn’t as thick and gooey as any other kind of pasta.

"So, how was your day sweetheart? Did you and Sam make up yet?" I told her that overall I’d had a very good day. I went on to explain that Sam was nuts. She asked me how exactly and I told her the whole story. "Boys," Mom said at last. I did a double-take on that one. Was she talking about me or Sam? I decided at length that she was indeed referring to Sam. What then did that make me? I put the food on the table. I was a fan of take what you want instead of doling out pre-measured portions. Sure, it was more work, but it was worth it. Mom actually smiled as she savored one of my meatballs.

"Joan! These are delicious! You must give me your recipe," she laughed.

"It’s your recipe Mom," I said. I had to admit though, these were the best tasting meatballs I’d ever had.

Dinner finished, I began the tedious process of cleanup. It was eight o’clock before I’d put everything away. I almost felt like asking Mom for a raise in my allowance as I’d taken on so much more responsibility. Then I thought about all the money she’d spent on me last night. I had no complaints.

"What would you like to do this evening?" Mom asked me. "You have to try on the rest of your clothes!" she implored. I smiled at her. Truth be told, I wanted to try them on too. More importantly, I wondered how Darla’s red dress would look on my frame. Though we were similar in height and build, I had no idea what to expect.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I told Mom about Darla’s party on Friday night. I informed her that it was a sleep over. "She’s having a boy-girl sleep over to celebrate her fourteenth birthday?" Mom asked incredulously.

"Er, no Mom, it’s an all girl slumber party," I informed her. Mom had been leading me down the garden path, I didn’t think the concept was beyond her comprehension.

"What do her parents think of all this?" I decided that being honest would be best.

"Mom, her parents think that I’m gay!"

"Hmmmm" she said. Then at length, "Is there something you want to tell me John?" I was going to have to remove these earrings from my ears for they must be the reason that my ears were failing me.

"Mom, I’m not into boys, if that’s your question?" She considered this for a minute and seemed relieved.

"I need to call the Raspberries," she informed me.

Though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to happen, I could see her point. "Of course Mom" I told her. "Let me get you the phone number." I ran and retrieved the phone book. Mom dialed as I gave her the requested digits.

"Mrs. Raspberry?" Mom asked. "This is Mrs. Johnson, John’s mother. I’m calling about Darla’s party on Friday. Yes, I know it’s a sleep-over and that’s why I’m calling. I just wanted to make sure that the party would be properly supervised and that it was indeed all right for John to attend." At one point Mom started laughing into the phone. I wish I’d known what they found so funny. Finally, Mom seemed satisfied that all would be well if I attended. "John, did you want to speak to Darla?" Mom asked me Why did she have to embarrass me like that? What could I say?

"Sure Mom, if she’s available," I replied. Mom told Mrs. Raspberry that it had been a pleasure talking to her and handed me the phone.

"Darla?" I inquired tentatively.

"Yes John?" She whispered. I gave Mom a look that told her I wanted her out of the room and out of the room now! She laughed and made her way to the family room.

"I’m sorry about all this," I informed her. "Mothers," I added resignedly.

"It’s all right John. I’m glad your mother called. If she hadn’t, my mother was going to call her." I knew I was repeating myself but I found myself saying,"mothers," yet again. Darla laughed at that.

"Did you try on the bra yet?" she asked me unable to conceal her excitement. I had no idea how she knew, but her next words were, "You’re blushing, aren’t you?" I didn’t need a mirror to tell me that my face had indeed turned a very dark shade of red. "I love you John and I’ll see you in the morning," she said at last as she hung up the phone.

Mom came back into the kitchen and asked me if I had a nice chat with my friend. "Yes Mom, I did, thank you." She eyed me suspiciously at the formality of my speech. I gave her my best angelic smile.

"Come on girl, let’s go try on your new clothes." Glad to have the subject changed and actually wanting to try on a few things, I got up and hugged her tight. "You’re too good to me sweetheart" was all she said as we made our way upstairs. "I take it those very pretty panties belonged to Darla?" She asked me. What panties I wondered? Then I remembered that she must have seen them hanging over the shower curtain.

"Yes," I sighed.

"I wonder if she had the matching bra?" Mom asked at last. Should I simply reply I had no idea? Or, should I tell her the truth.

In the end I said, "wait here,," and went and retrieved the beautiful black bra with pink lace. Mom smiled excitedly as she urged me to try it on. A real "mother-daughter" moment, I thought to myself cynically.

I removed my top, slid my arms through the straps, reached around and expertly attached the clasp. "Oh Joan! That’s simply beautiful. Go and get your breast forms." Caught up in the moment I ran and retrieved the bits of silicone. I placed them in the cups and then put on the matching panties. Damn, I wish I could see Darla wearing this outfit, I thought hungrily.

"Oh Joan, let me get your black skort," Mom said as she opened my dresser drawer. She handed it to me and I pulled the shorts up over my legs. Somehow, I felt I was in more familiar territory wearing the skort. Mom then handed me the white v-neck top with black diagonal stripes. The material was so soft, I couldn’t believe it. I pulled the top over my head and knew this top should not be tucked in.

"Oh Joan, if only your ears were healed. A pair of drop earrings would really set that outfit off."

"I think it looks just fine the way it is," I replied as I began to pose in front of the mirror. Mom smiled at my appreciation.

"I think that’s what you should wear to Darla’s party," she said at last. I had no idea how or what Mom knew about the party, but I suspected that she knew everything. The skort really did look perfect on me. I was glad Mom hadn’t noticed that I’d not shaved my legs. I simply hadn’t the time.

"Hang on a second" I said as I made my way to my knapsack. I removed the red dress and held it out in front of me. it wasn’t bad, but didn’t convey the look that I was going for. It suggested weakness. It was pretty enough, but I just knew that it wasn’t "me."

"Where did you get that?" Mom asked.

"Where do you think Mom?" I replied. That particular cat and mouse game over, I tried on the dress. It was beautiful and looked fantastic on me, but, it wasn’t something I wanted to wear to Darla’s party. I hoped Darla would be pleasantly surprised when I showed up wearing my new black skort.

"Mom, I’m really getting tired here," I said frankly.

"All right sweetheart," she said. "But, don’t forget to shave your legs tomorrow." There was no putting anything over on Mom. "Goodnight John," she said and kissed me on the forehead. I carefully put all of my things away and got ready for bed. I lay in bed hugging the teddy bear remembering that she wasn’t mine. Jola belonged to Darla. It seemed totally insane to me, but I didn’t want to give up that simple toy. I found myself whispering into her cotton stuffed ears, "Don’t worry Jola, I’ll protect you." With that, I was fast asleep.

Thursday morning arrived and I found myself wondering just where the week had gone. "Is it really Thursday already? " I wondered aloud. I followed my usual routine and I was out the door by 7:30. The only difference this time was I had a bright red walking stick. It wasn’t raining at the moment, but the sky looked threatening again this morning. I’d been unable to find my own umbrella and made a mental note to get a new one. I arrived at Darla’s and Mrs. Raspberry greeted me at the front door. "Good morning John, I spoke with your mother last night. She really sounds like a lovely person." Having no clue as to a reply, I simply nodded my head in agreement. Finally Darla arrived, I thanked her for use of the umbrella and we began our trek.

"Did you try your dress on?" I walked along thinking about my skort and wondered just how in hell Darla knew about that. I guess I was getting a little paranoid. "Did you John?" she asked again. Suddenly I remembered she was talking about her beautiful red dress. My inability to reply told her all she needed to know. "How did you like it?" she continued.

"It’s very pretty," was my abbreviated version. I wanted to add that there was no way in hell I’d be wearing it to her party. I hoped she wouldn’t mind. We arrived just as the bell sounded and made our way inside.

"I’ll see you at lunch time then?" she asked uncertainly. Did she think I’d made other plans?

"Of course!" I enthused and we went our separate ways.

The morning passed quickly. I managed to get all the cuts made for my latest project and would begin assembling it during class tomorrow. It seemed so much easier to me this time. I asked Mr. Ferris if I could bring home my original project at day’s end. He generally kept such items on display till the end of the marking period. He told me that would be fine and I was relieved. I couldn’t give Darla something I didn’t have possession of, now could I? Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. As I entered the room, Sam and my former friends began whispering and laughing. I was indeed becoming paranoid. I could almost feel the heat from Sam’s gaze on the back of my head as I walked over to Darla’s table. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

Sally greeted me first. "Hi John! Are you ready for the party tomorrow night?" I smiled at her in return and hoped that hers was a rhetorical question. "We’re going to have so much fun!" Staying up all night with a bunch of fourteen year old girls could indeed be fun under the right circumstances. Once again I simply smiled at her comment. If I kept that up, surely someone would suggest that I apply for a job as a village idiot. The rest of the day passed quickly and I began making my way back to shop class to retrieve Darla’s jewelry box. Someone shouted "FIGHT! Out front, now!" A bunch of kids began running towards the front of the building. I shook my head and continued walking.

"John, you’d better come. And hurry!" Sally said as she started running passed.

Sensing the urgency in her voice, I pushed passed the others and made my way outside. A large circle had gathered around the two combatants. I almost fainted when I realized who they were. Darla and Sam stood toe to toe, each waiting for the other to throw the first blow. I plowed my way to the front of the crowd.

"Sam! Darla! You don’t want to do this!" I screamed. Darla seemed not to hear me. There was a look of utter terror in her eyes. In a strange way this reminded me of last week’s baseball encounter all over again. I chuckled at the thought of Sam and Darla becoming best friends when it was over. I made my way between the two of them. My back to Darla offering her all the protection that I could. Sam was enraged.

"Your fight’s not with her, Sam," I said softly. She looked at me quizzically. I completed my thoughts. "It’s with me!" I said at last.

"If that’s the way you want it," she replied and punched me square in the mouth. Her punch knocked me down, but not out. The crowd began laughing and begging for more. I was only glad that I was able to extricate Darla from this situation.

"Do you feel better now?" I asked her as the tears began rolling. That was exactly what I wanted to say. In retrospect, it was probably a mistake. I slowly made my way to my feet.

"Not yet Joan, but I’m getting there." She hit me again. My head felt funny and my nose ached. I could taste the blood as it dribbled down from my upper lip.

"Had enough yet?" I asked her to the crowd’s uproarious approval. I held my ground determined not to strike back. The mob wanted more blood and didn’t seem to care whose it was. I struggled to maintain my stance. My knees were growing weaker by the second. Between gasps for air I whispered in despair, "Why Sam?"

At last Darla returned with several teachers in tow. The crowd dispersed leaving only Sam and myself remaining. Mrs. Pembroke ran over to me followed by Darla and they asked if I was all right. Sam just stood there shaking and tears began falling from her eyes as well. I caught a glimpse of Sarah standing off to the sidelines. Her face wore the proverbial "shit eating grin."

"What’s going on here?" Mr. Vance, the assistant principal, asked at last.

"Nothing." I replied.

"Nothing?" He parroted me in a disbelieving voice.

"I was running and fell face first into the fire hydrant,." I said at last. I saw no advantage to getting the school authorities involved in this. "Sam here helped me up," I added.

"Then why is she shaking and crying?" He asked skeptically.

"I guess she got upset seeing my face covered in blood," I replied trying to maintain my focus on the unfolding situation. Meanwhile, Darla mopped away the blood from my face. I began to recover my composure.

"Well Mr. Johnson, you know better than to be running outside in front of the school. This isn’t a playground." I almost laughed at the idiocy of his statement. "You’ll have to stop by my office in the morning and fill out an accident report," he said at last. With that he and the other teachers turned and walked back inside. Darla helped me to make sure I was steady on my feet and we left as well. Only Sam remained. She stood there still shaking and crying silently. She hadn’t moved as Darla and I made our way around the corner. I wished that Darla hadn’t come to my rescue. I wanted to get things right with Sam. A strange thought to have, considering she’d just beaten the hell out of me. I walked Darla home. She tried to insist on walking me home. I didn’t want her anywhere near the vicinity of Sam’s house in case she lost it again.

"Thank you John for saving me," she said and smiled.

"It was nothing ma’am," I offered, giving her my best John Wayne impersonation. She laughed at that and figured that all was well. I couldn’t believe the pain I was feeling across the bridge of my nose. I began wondering whether it was broken. Darla insisted that I accompany her inside and ushered me into the guest bathroom. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to view the damage that Sam had wreaked on my face.

"You’re going to have quite a shiner there tomorrow John," Darla informed me. I looked in the mirror. My face looked as though it had taken a few passes through a meat grinder.

"Holy Cow!" I exclaimed as I examined myself more closely. I vowed then and there that I’d never offer up myself as a human punching bag again.

Darla told me to wait right there and ran off. She returned moments later with a few small bottles. "What’s that?" I asked her.

"This is what you’re going to need to wear to school tomorrow," she informed me. I considered her suggestion. Would I look worse with a black eye or makeup? "I just want to make sure that the color matches your skin," she said as she dabbed a bit of it on my cheek. "Perfect!" She exclaimed. I looked back in the mirror and couldn’t tell by looking just where the makeup had been applied. Maybe it would be a good idea to wear it. I didn’t want to raise any more eyebrows among the faculty nor my fellow classmates.

"Thanks Darla" I said at last. "I’ll give it a try if I do indeed develop a black eye." She laughed at that telling me that it was a foregone conclusion. "Darla, what time is it?" I asked her knowing that I’d better be getting home.

"It’s almost four o’clock" she told me.

"Damn, I’d better get going if I’m going to have dinner ready when Mom gets home," I said absentmindedly.

"You cook dinner for your mother?" she asked incredulously. I sighed and told her I hoped it would only be a temporary situation. She looked concerned but didn’t say anything further.

The rain began falling again and Darla offered me her red umbrella. "It beats getting wet," she said at last. I reluctantly took it from her and thanked her again. As I made my way home, I realized that I’d forgotten to get Darla’s jewelry box. Oh well, I’d just have to do that tomorrow. I wondered if Sam appreciated what I’d done for her? I considered it for a few moments and wondered if she was still my friend at all. Would she now simply punch me when I angered her? I couldn’t allow that to happen. I wished that I knew what to do. I arrived home and let Shandy in first thing. I checked the menu on the refrigerator and realized it was a simple meal; chicken and vegetables. I could handle that. I got dinner started and dug out the vacuum cleaner. I’d have the living room carpeting done in no time.

Six o’clock arrived and Mom came through the door. "I hope you’re hungry," I announced to her approaching footsteps.

"Oh my God!" She exclaimed. "What happened to you?" I was reminded of the pain pulsating through my face. I considered the fire hydrant story, but I knew that Mom would never buy it. I doubt that the school officials did either. I’d just made their jobs easier for them. I explained to Mom the altercation between Sam and myself. "You didn’t hit her, did you John?"

"No Mom, I didn’t" I replied. She considered that for a moment and then said something which gave me pause.

"Perhaps you should have?" She said softly and her voice trailed off. I didn’t want to believe that my mother had said that. I let her comment pass. "Do you feel all right sweetheart?" She asked me. Her eyes never left my face.

"I guess I’ll live" I told her and laughed with false bravado.

Mom sat at the table sipping her drink and smoking her cigarette. When she finished I served up the meal. I was really proud of my ability to take care of the household. Perhaps I should have been resentful, but I wasn’t. Dinner finished and the dishes cleaned, it was closing in on eight o’clock. I asked Mom if I could go up to my room. She told me that would be fine with a grave look of concern on her face. "I’m all right Mom, really," I told her and made my way upstairs. Moments later I heard Mom’s voice echoing down the hallway. She was on the phone with Aunt Alice and she sounded as if she was losing control. Perhaps it had been a mistake to tell her in the first place. I ran back down the stairs.

"Excuse me Mom, I need a word with you."

"Can’t you see I’m on the phone?"

"Yes, I can. That’s why I need to speak to you." Mom made her apologies to Aunt Alice and told her she’d call right back.

Mrs. Peters was Mom’s only real friend in the world. I couldn’t let what had happened between me and Sam tear them apart. "What is it that’s so important that I had to get off the phone?" she asked sternly.

"Mom, the fight this afternoon with Sam was all my fault. I started it." She looked at me as though I was speaking Chinese.

"You started a fight with Sam and let me blame her to Alice? How could you?"

"Mom, I told you it was no big deal, to just let it go. You wouldn’t listen to me." I began to worry that she might decide to punish me by not allowing me to attend Darla’s party. If that happened, I was going on strike. I’d done everything I knew to make her life easier and enough was enough.

"I’ll deal with you later, young man. Now go up to your room and wait for me." I made my way into the hallway and walked up a few stairs till I heard Mom’s voice on the phone again. "I’m so sorry Alice. I hope you can forgive me?" As Mom finished that sentence she began to cry.

I knew now that they’d work it out and I quietly made my way back to my room. I went over and picked up my guitar. It felt like an old friend sitting comfortably in my arms. It had been a few weeks since I’d played it. The sad chord progression that escaped my fingers took me away for awhile at least. Some time later Mom came into my room and told me she’d just gotten off the phone with Mrs. Raspberry. Here it comes, I thought to myself.

"I have to be honest with you John. I called her with every intention of extending your regrets. Her mother got so upset I decided that perhaps I was being unreasonable. You see, Darla told her all that had happened after school. How you saved her from Sam’s attack. Why did you lie to me John?" I began crying and couldn’t stop. Between sobs I told her that she shouldn’t be fighting with Aunt Alice.

She uttered a simple, "I see," and I thought perhaps that she did. She walked over to me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight.

"I’m sorry Mom."

"It’s all right sweetheart," she said and continued to hold me tightly.

It was now closing in on ten o’clock. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.

"Would it be ok if I went to sleep now?"

"I know I’ve said it before, but thank you Joan, I don’t know what I’d do without you." I smiled at her and kissed her goodnight. I almost didn’t make it under the covers before falling asleep.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 15

You Say It’s Your Birthday!

Friday morning arrived and I hopped out of bed excited about the pending events. I ran to the bathroom, took care of business and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. A raccoon stared back at me. In a way, it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. The dark circles under my eyes made me look like a member of the walking dead. A pity that today wasn’t Halloween. I laughed aloud at my own insanity and made my way into the shower. Thankfully, my face didn’t hurt this morning. I showered and washed my hair using the new conditioner that Mom had bought for me. The fragrance of my new soap smelled of lilacs. It reminded me of a spring time walk through a garden.

I finished up, dried myself off and went and got dressed. I was running out of clean clothes. "A great way to spend Saturday night," I said aloud; "doing laundry." Ready to go, I made my way back into the bathroom. I was indeed going to need Darla’s makeup. I hoped it would be as unnoticeable today as it was yesterday. Following the instructions I applied a thin coat over the offending areas. I waited for it to dry and finished the job. Not bad, I thought. Someone would have to be looking for it to see the damage that Sam had left. As I applied the makeup, I noticed that my nails were still painted pink. I considered removing the polish but thought to myself: why? In the end, I left my hands as they were and made my way downstairs.

Lunch made and breakfast eaten, I knew I had forgotten something. Ah yes! A green plastic garbage bag! I’d put the jewelry box in the bottom of the bag and cover it with my gym clothes. No one would suspect a thing. I heard Mom singing to herself upstairs and decided to test my makeup by saying goodbye face to face.

"Good morning Mom!"

"Someone seems quite pleased with herself this morning. Let me look at your face." She eyed me carefully. "You did an excellent job covering up. No one’s going to notice." Uh huh, I thought cynically. You mean no one but you and anyone else who stares at me intently?

In the end I said, "Thanks Mom." It would have to do. "Dinner will be ready at six o’clock sharp" I said to her as I made my way out the door. I was going to need some time to get ready for the party and wouldn’t have time to linger in the kitchen with Mom.

As I made my way to Darla’s my thoughts turned to Sam. I wished that I knew how to reach her. My feelings for her hadn’t changed. I’d have to find out from Darla just what caused yesterday’s outburst. Funny, I didn’t think of that till now. I walked up to Darla’s front door and she opened it to greet me.

"Are you ready for school?" I asked her. I didn’t want her focusing on my messed up face. I wasn’t fooling anyone.

She scrutinized my face carefully and at last responded, "all things considered, you did a very nice job." I smiled at her and we began walking. She took my hand and pulled me to her. The force she exerted almost caused us to bump into one another and fall down. A bout of laughter escaped us both.

"Darla? What happened yesterday between you and Sam?" A reasonable question, I thought.

"John, it was nothing. I was outside looking for Sally when I accidentally bumped into her. She turned on me and with an insane look in her eyes screamed "YOU!" Before I knew it a crowd had circled around us and they began chanting "Fight, Fight, Fight." I attempted to apologize to her, but she’d have none of it. I was afraid she was going to kill me. Next thing, you were there and you know what happened after that."

"I figured it was something like that," I replied as we continued walking.
At length we arrived at school. Darla refused to let go of my hand. I didn’t mind. If it offered her comfort, it seemed the least I could do. I then remembered Mr. Vance’s order that I fill out an accident report this morning. I decided that I’d let it go and hoped that they’d do the same. I was reasonably sure that they would. The "accident" would taint the administration’s reputation somehow. I surveyed the crowd for signs of Sam. There weren’t any. I really was worried about her. The bell rang and we made our way inside. Darla didn’t release my hand until it was absolutely necessary. Originally I thought she was seeking my protection, now I realized she was offering her own.

Home room was a blur and history was a bore. It wasn’t till I got to shop class that I came alive. I quickly got to work putting pieces of wood in the vise and pre-drilling holes for the screws. Each hole was countersunk so I could add an oak dowel later. The effect, I knew from experience, would be beautiful. I completed everything that I needed to do with the use of the school’s tools. If need be, I could finish the project at home. It really was easier the second time around. I asked Mr. Ferris if he was going to be around after the final bell so I could pick up my jewelry box. He told me he’d be in the classroom for about five minutes after the final bell. I knew I couldn’t miss it today. The party was this evening.

Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. Thankfully, no one had made any mention of my eyes nor did I receive a call down to the front office to fill out an accident report. I walked slowly as I made my way to my table. Sam had indeed made it to school today. I was so thankful for that, that a sigh escaped my lips. The look on her face told me that she’d lost her best friend. I so wanted to go to her, hug her and tell her everything would be all right. I made up my mind that I’d call her before the weekend was over. If she was suffering in the meantime, well, she deserved it.

"Oh John! You were so brave yesterday!" this from Sally. "I mean Sam is so big and strong I thought she was going to maim you." I didn’t want to continue with this conversation so I ignored her comments entirely.

Changing the subject I said, "Darla, the party is at 7:30, right?"

"Yes it is John, but I expect you earlier so I can inspect your attire."

"I’m afraid that won’t be possible," I said. Sarah laughed.

"He has to cook dinner for his mommy," she said out of nowhere. My eyes turned straight to Darla. Her face turned dark red and her eyes begged forgiveness.

"Yes, Sarah, that’s exactly what I have to do. Do you have a problem with that?" Sally and Darla looked at me as if I was some kind of hero.

"Leave her alone Sarah," Darla said. Sally began giggling at that and Sarah sat there tongue-tied, unable to say anything.

The rest of the afternoon whizzed by. Mr. Benson informed us that he’d have our final grades ready by Monday. He also informed us that there would not be a make up exam for those that had failed. A groan was emitted from more than a few students. The final bell rang and I found myself running back to shop class. I arrived just as Mr. Ferris was locking the door.

"Sorry John, you’re too late."

"Mr. Ferris please!" I begged. His look told me he required more of an explanation. "That jewelry box is a birthday gift for someone special and if I don’t get it now, she’ll be extremely disappointed." I could tell by the look in his own eyes that he knew I’d be the one who’d be disappointed.

"Don’t make a habit of this," he laughed knowing that only five days of school remained.

"I can’t thank you enough, Mr. Ferris!" He smiled at that and told me to be sure and sign up for his class in the fall. I promised him that I would.

I practically ran home that afternoon. Knapsack on my back and a huge plastic garbage bag containing Darla’s jewelry box and dirty gym clothes. Once inside, I let Shandy in and decided to check out this evening’s menu so I’d know what I was up against. Mom had drawn a line through the scheduled dinner and placed an asterisk at the end. Looking below it said that she’d be bringing chinese home for dinner and that I could make the salmon for her tomorrow, but only if I wanted to. Despite everything that had happened, I found myself thinking that I was the luckiest kid in the world!

I now had more time than I needed. In fact, I had time to take a nap! The thought of lying in bed and holding Jola till I slipped away became overpowering. I made my way upstairs and was asleep within minutes. I awoke at 4:30 and realized that I still had a lot to do. I wrapped Darla’s present first thing. I hope she liked it! It was only a pine jewelry box but if I must say so myself, the workmanship was beyond compare. Enough of tooting your own horn John, I thought as I made my way into the bathroom.

I knew at that point that I’d have to shave my legs. My body was relatively devoid of hair, but I promised Mom and given her cooperation, how could I refuse her simple request? I took the shaving cream and shook the can per the instructions. I lathered up both legs as I sat on the edge of the tub with my legs firmly on the floor inside it. I let the hot water run gently as I began my task. Five minutes later my legs were totally hairless. I smiled at that and then noticed that my armpits had more than a few stray hairs leaping out. I lathered them up and removed them as well. Despite my raccoon eyes, I was feeling pretty once again. It felt good. My hair was perfect from this morning’s shower and I decided that I was clean enough.

I made my way back to my room and my hands began trembling as I opened my dresser drawer. I would be wearing Darla’s panties this evening. I pulled them up over my legs and then contemplated the more difficult part. The plastic egg in my hands told me it contained a pair of sheer taupe pantyhose. I opened it carefully and removed the contents. I scrunched up each leg and began with my right foot first. Not long after, I was strutting about the room wearing my very first pair of pantyhose. They felt delicious. I put on my skort. My matching bra wrapped round my chest, I put the breast forms in the cups. The exquisite white top completed the look. Sensing how delicate the hose were, I put on my maryjanes. Next, I examined my fingernails. They were still in good shape but I thought that another coat of polish would do the trick. I ran and grabbed the tiny bottle of pink polish. As carefully as I knew how, I applied it. My nails were perfect. I sat there waving my hands about wildly in an attempt to get the polish to dry. At length, I found myself in my bathroom with my hand held hairdryer drying the paint that covered my nails.

I stared deep into the mirror and thought, "Joan!" I put the eye shadow on first and then wrestled with the eyeliner. Satisfied with the look, I began to coat my lashes. It was time to apply Darla’s magic makeup once again to the hollows under my eyes. I didn’t stop when I was finished. I found myself applying her makeup to my entire face. Joan looked back at me as if to say... "nice job." I walked back into my room so I could view myself in the full length mirror. A very pretty young girl stared back at me. Her hair needed some attention though. I fussed with it for some time before I was happy with the overall look. As a final touch, I coated my lips with my own mauve lipstick.

By the time I’d finished it was a few minutes to six. I made my way downstairs carefully, not wanting to mess up my appearance. Like clockwork Mom arrived on the strike of six. I wondered for a moment where she found time to stop and order food and still be home by six o’clock. My thoughts about time were swept away by the succulent odors escaping the bags. I literally began drooling as we made our way to the kitchen table.
"Joan, first off let me say that you look stunning," Mom said. "Secondly, let me simply say; LET’S EAT!" She did and we did. Struck me funny, but having someone else prepare the food did make it taste that much better.

Dinner over and the containers stored away I asked Mom if she’d drive me over to Darla’s. "Of course sweetheart," Mom told me. " I wouldn’t have it any other way. I think it’s time I met your new friend’s mother face to face." I wasn’t sure whether her response was meant to reassure me or make me more wary. I smiled at her and told her I loved her once again. She eyed me carefully. "Joan sweetheart," she whispered softly, "you’ll be the most beautiful girl at the party." Part of me was glad that she’d said that and another part just wanted to go and bury my head in the sand.

For the umpteenth time that evening I found myself replying, "thanks Mom."

I made my way back upstairs. It was now approaching 7:00 PM. The ride by car wouldn’t take two minutes, so I checked my appearance carefully. I hoped Darla wouldn’t be upset that I hadn’t worn her dress. I had this fear hidden in the back of my mind that everyone else would be wearing jeans and would laugh at me upon arrival. If that happened, it would be a very early night for me. I folded Darla’s clothes carefully and placed them back in the shopping bag. I grabbed her beautifully wrapped gift and added it to the mix. Mom greeted me in the foyer with a questioning look.

"What did you get her?"

"It’s a surprise Mom," I told her. I didn’t want her to see it as I was making a similar, but nicer one for her.

"Yes, but isn’t Darla the one who’s supposed to be surprised?" There was no arguing with her logic. "Open it up sweetheart, I want to see what you got her."

"But Mom! If I do that I’m going to be late. I promise I’ll bring you a picture."

"Oh, all right," she said at last and we made our way to the car.

We arrived just as Sally was pulling up with her own mother in tow. She looked at me for a moment without recognition. "Hi Sally!" I said at last.

Her face lit up as she squealed "Oh Joan! You look beautiful!" I was both relieved by her comment, but also found myself filled with fear and trepidation.

"Sally, this is my mother, Mrs. Johnson." I introduced her as formally as I knew how.

"And Joan, this is my mother, Mrs. Owens." Introductions completed, we made our way to the front door. Darla’s mother answered it and greeted Sally warmly. She then turned her attention to me.

"I thought I knew all of Darla’s friends," she mumbled. "You must be…," and then it hit her. "You must be Joan!" If her smile had been any wider her face would have cracked in half.

"Mrs. Raspberry, this is my mother Mrs. Johnson."

"Oh, call me Vivian," Darla’s Mom told her. My own mother smiled and said to please call her Joan as well.

Her mother looked at us both and said "It’s funny John said that Darla and I could be sisters. I’d have to say the same about you two." Mom smiled at that and we made our way into the family room. While our parents gathered in the kitchen, the girls began chatting feverishly about the party. The only girls I knew were Sally, Darla, and Sarah. Though I had to admit, I didn’t know Sarah at all. There were also four others in attendance. Fran and Lori I’d seen at school and knew them by name only. Sally introduced me to Janice and Jennifer. It seems they were friends of Darla’s from summer camp. Everyone was waiting for Darla to make her grand entrance. Finally Darla came in. Her eyes focused on me immediately. At least, it felt that way. She looked both pleased and disappointed. Thankfully everyone was wearing skirts and casual tops. I would have been seriously over dressed wearing Darla’s choice.

She ran over to me and gave me a huge hug. "Thank you for coming Joan," she whispered in my ear. I began to feel embarrassed and released Darla reluctantly from our embrace. Sarah meanwhile had been taking it all in.

"What’s "he" doing here?" she asked Darla.

"Sarah, this is Joan," Darla said severely, making the unnecessary introduction.

"It’s a pleasure to meet you Sarah," I replied not knowing what else to say. Talk about theater of the absurd. Sarah hesitated. She was trying to decide whether to accept me or simply leave. In the end she simply grunted in my direction and went off to talk to Fran and Lori. One crisis handled, I thought to myself.

Darla went over to put some music on the stereo. She tried not to, but I could see her eyeing the table in the corner loaded with presents. I began to worry about my humble offering. Shortly thereafter our mothers came in and bade us farewell. I loved my mother dearly, but her presence had made me a bit uncomfortable. I promised her I’d be home by lunch time as she made her way out the door. I found myself worrying about her; all alone for the first time in years. Part of me wanted to run after her, another part of me wanted to stay. The part that wanted to stay won out in the end. I hadn’t noticed earlier, but Darla was wearing my blue pleated skirt. Great minds think alike, I giggled softly. I also hadn’t noticed but now she was as tall as Sam in her three inch navy blue pumps. She was gorgeous. The first song to play was Pink’s "Get This Party Started." An appropriate selection if ever there was one.

The girls began dancing and giggling. It seemed I was the odd girl out. Darla was dancing with Sarah. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that knowing their past history. Sally had joined in with Janice and Jennifer leaving me to twist in the wind. I wasn’t going to join in with Sarah and Darla. Fran and Lori seemed to be getting a bit too intimate so, I wasn’t going over there either. Maybe it had been a mistake on my part thinking that I could fit in here? I began laughing wildly as the second song of the evening began to play. I took the singer’s suggestion and began "Dancing With Myself." Finally Sally came over and included me in the festivities. Was Darla going to spend the entire evening with Sarah as she had at the school dance last week? After about half an hour of jumping up and down wildly, I decided I needed a break. Some of the girls looked like they could go at it all night long.

I poured myself a soda and surveyed my surroundings. I still couldn’t get over how magnificent Darla’s home was. The family room was huge, but managed to maintain a sense of intimacy. The walls were covered with dark oak paneling. Sconces resembling torches stuck out from the walls at intervals of several feet. I was in awe of my surroundings. I stood there taking it all in when a voice asked me from behind, "are you having a good time?" I turned to face Darla.

"Yes, I am thank you."

"Joan, you’ve got to mix with the other girls. You can’t just hang out by yourself all evening." I looked at her and gave her my best fake smile. I’m not sure what I’d been expecting, but this certainly wasn’t it. "And, I’ve got a question for you," she said. "Why aren’t you wearing my dress?" I looked up at her and saw the hurt in her eyes.

"I just figured it was a little too formal for the occasion," I replied honestly.

"Oh, so you knew what everyone would be wearing?" She asked suspiciously.

I laughed aloud. "No, not really," I said. "In fact, I was afraid everyone would show up wearing jeans and I’d be the only one in a dress." Talk about the wrong thing to say. I’d meant it to be humorous, but sometimes my sense of humor didn’t jive with everyone else’s.

"Do you really think I’d have tricked you like that?" She looked about ready to cry.

"I’m sorry Darla, I didn’t mean it. Besides, don’t you like my outfit?" I asked hopefully, trying to change the subject. Her mood brightened.

"If I’d known you’d look that good in a skirt, I’d have insisted you wear one long ago."
Long ago, I thought to myself. Two weeks ago I didn’t know anything about her but her name. I smiled and we both stood there facing each other, our hands intertwined.

She released one hand and told me she wanted to show me something. We made our way through the sliding glass doors and out to her patio. "Darla! You’ve got a pool!" An in-ground pool this close to the ocean was a rarity.

"Would you like to go for a swim?"

"It’s a little too cold, don’t you think?" There was a certain crispness in the air to an otherwise perfect late spring evening.

She began laughing and said, "No silly! The pool is heated." With all that I’d seen thus far, that shouldn’t have surprised me.

"Well, I didn’t bring a bathing suit," I told her.

"You can borrow one of mine," she offered. We walked back into the family room and Darla announced to the crowd that it was, "pool time!" Apparently I was the only one who hadn’t known and the other girls ran off to grab their bathing suits.

We all made our way up to Darla’s room to change. I had a feeling that Darla either was very fond of red, or she was simply determined to see me wearing something red as she handed me a dark red one-piece bathing suit. The suit had a racer back and a plunging neck line.

"Well, go on Joan and change!" she commanded.

I made my way into her bathroom where three other girls were in various states of being dressed. Could I do this in front of them? I finally decided that I couldn’t. Darla came in and asked me what was taking so long. She sensed my discomfort and suggested I climb into the tub and pull the shower curtain closed. I felt a bit silly doing it, but I didn’t see any reasonable alternative. I climbed into the tub, pulled the curtain closed and began undressing. Just as I was removing my beautiful bra, the shower curtain was ripped open.

"Oh my God! It’s true! She’s a he!" Janice exclaimed. Sarah stood next to her and began chuckling evilly.

I just wanted to die. Darla hearing the commotion came running into the room. "What’s going on in here?" she asked sternly.

"Your friend Joan isn’t a girl," Janice informed her.

"You think I didn’t know that?" Darla asked her bluntly. Tears began rolling down my cheeks. I’d never felt so embarrassed in my life. "Joan may not be a girl in body," Darla continued, "but she is one in spirit." I was both pleased and dismayed by her defense. "Now come on, let’s get going. It’s not getting any warmer outside." Darla’s statement seemed to do the trick. I quickly donned the red suit. There was an unsightly bulge in the front and I didn’t know what to do. I sat on the edge of the tub and began weeping. "All right" Darla said. "Everybody out. I need to talk to Joan." The other girls left the room. I couldn’t stop crying. "It wasn’t that bad," she said soothingly. "What’s wrong?"

I stood up and displayed my "bulge" for her to see. "Oh!" she said and began giggling. Her laughter was infectious and I soon found myself joining in. "Well, let’s see what we can do about that," she said and told me to take off the bathing suit. For the first time in my life I found myself wishing that I was a real girl instead of just a pretend one. As I took off the suit Darla exclaimed, "I was wondering how you managed to fill out your top so naturally. Ooh! You have Add-A-Cup breast forms. Would it be all right if I tried them on?" Before I could answer her she was tucking them into the top of her baby blue bikini.

"Wow!" was all I could think of to say.

"You like?" She asked me. The breast forms coupled with what nature provided her gave her an incredible figure. "Could I borrow them sometime?"

I wasn’t so sure I wanted anyone else looking at her the way I was right now, but in the end I replied, "Of course." I stood naked in front of her. She reached down and grabbed my member. It sprang to attention. "What are you doing?" I asked hopefully.

"Now spread your legs."

I had no idea where this was going, but I wasn’t going to argue with a girl holding my penis. As I did so, she released my cock and grabbed hold of my testicles. She began pushing them backwards as if attempting to drive them up into me. She then grabbed my stiff member and began moving it in the same direction. Somehow it seemed to me that she’d done this before. "Now pull up your bathing suit," she ordered. I did and the bulge was gone. "Oh, I guess you’re going to need these," she chuckled as she handed me back my breast forms. "We’d better get going before my mother comes in here," she said at last. We grabbed a few towels and made our way downstairs to join the rest of the party.

The other girls hadn’t waited for us. They were already frolicking in the pool. As I made my way uncertainly down the steps on the shallow end, I noticed that the water was indeed quite warm. I worried that my "breasts" would become dislodged and I’d be a laughingstock yet again. I needn’t have worried. They remained stuck to my chest almost as if they’d been glued on.

"Let’s play volleyball," Darla said as she began stringing the net across the shallow end of the pool. Sarah and Darla became self-proclaimed captains as the teams were picked. I smiled when Darla picked me first. Our team consisted of me, Darla, Sally, and Jennifer. It seemed that Sarah and Janice had become fast friends after exposing my anatomical abnormalities. Fran was the biggest of all of us and I wondered why Darla hadn’t chosen her first. Hell, Darla could have picked me dead last as I’m certain Sarah would never have me on her team.

I’d never played water volleyball before. It was a lot more fun than the usual game. You could dive with impunity while attempting to move the ball back over the net. If you fell along the way, you simply were surrounded by the warm water’s gentle embrace. The girls took the game seriously. I was surprised by that, figuring it would just be an excuse to splash about in the pool. We were playing to eleven points. The game was tied at ten all and Darla was serving. She hit the ball cleanly over the net and Fran, playing the front-line and towering over me, jumped up and smashed the ball back at me. The ball struck me on the bridge of my nose and I went down for the count. I slowly fell into the water. I couldn’t stand up. Darla ran to my aid and lifted me up. I began coughing and sprouting water as a fountain would.

"Are you all right Joan?"

Before I could answer her, I heard Sarah’s voice screaming, "GAME’S OVER WE WIN!"

The rest of the girls looked at her like she was out of her mind.

The next words out of Sarah’s mouth were "Hey look! There’s a raccoon wearing a girl’s bathing suit!" My makeup had come off in the water. We made our way out of the water and sat down on the lounge chairs surrounding the pool.

"Joan," Darla asked again, "are you all right?"

"I guess I’ll be ok," I said though not really believing it.

"Well, if it bothers you in a bit, I’ll have Daddy take a look at it for you."

The last thing in the world I wanted was coming under Dr. Raspberry’s scrutiny. Especially dressed as I was. "Darla, do you think I could take a shower?" A serious look of concern crossed her face as she knitted her eyebrows.

"Why would you want to do that?"

"I’m not sure, I just feel like I need a shower." She walked me to the small pool house at the back of the property. It had several shower heads sticking out of the wall and it seemed I wasn’t the only one feeling the need to rinse off. Janice and Lori were already there soaking themselves under the warm spray.

"Darla, I really need some privacy. Could I please use your bath?"

She sighed grabbed my hand and said, "come on John." Oh, so now I was John, was I?

"I’m sorry Darla and thanks, really."

"It’s ok," she said softening. I practically ran up to her room. I didn’t want anyone else to see or comment on my battered face. Poor Fran, she must feel horrible. I needed to let her know that it wasn’t her fault, but that could wait. Even the shower was better than anything I’d ever experienced. The flow of the water could be controlled by a nozzle up on the wall. I selected the pulsating mode and luxuriated in the spray. Twenty minutes later I turned off the shower feeling a hundred times better than I had. I dried myself off and realized that I hadn’t brought my clothes in with me. I knotted the towel high on my chest in an attempt to conceal something that wasn’t there and made my way over to Darla’s bed where my clothes were waiting.

Since no one else was there at the moment, I got dressed where I sat. Fully dressed I risked a look in the mirror. If possible, my face looked worse than it had before. Oddly enough, I found myself thinking of Sam and worrying about her. I knew I’d have to speak to her. Things just couldn’t go on as they had. It took me another twenty minutes to put my face on and fix my hair. At last I was satisfied that I wouldn’t be mistaken for a witch on Halloween.

Darla knocked on her own door and entered slowly. "Are you feeling better now Joan?"

"Yes, thank you," I said smiling at her. She came over and gave me a hug. An instant later her tongue was in search of my own. I let her find it. It felt wonderful holding her in my arms as I whispered, "Happy Birthday," to her. We finally disengaged and made our way back downstairs.

"Now girls, get ready. The pizzas should be here in a few minutes." I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. I guess it was true what they said about chinese food.

The pizzas arrived and I found myself inhaling a slice. I was back in line for a second before some had had a first. "Joan, I’m so sorry" the voice behind me in line said. I looked back to see Fran looking at me as if she were about to burst into tears.

"It’s all right Fran," I assured her. "It wasn’t your fault," I added. I almost congratulated her on her team’s victory but figured that would be in poor taste. I reached the head of the line and grabbed another slice of the vegetarian pie. There were three pies. One plain, one vegetarian, and one "meat lover’s" pizza. The latter was the only one that hadn’t been touched. Darla came over and laughed while I was surveying the table and explained that the "meat lover’s" was her father’s favorite. Eight girls and two large pies seemed sufficient to me. Still, I found myself hungry when I’d finished my second slice.

Darla said, "Don’t worry Joan, there’s cake and ice cream yet to be served." I smiled wondering how she knew I was still hungry.

We sat at a long table eating our food and chatting. Sarah was the only one who insisted on discussing the beating I’d received. Even her new best friend Janice seemed appalled by her behavior. At length Mrs. Raspberry came into the room and announced that it was time for Darla to open her presents. A few of the girls got their cameras out as we made our way over to the table.

"I hope she likes what I got her," Sally said her voice dripping with concern. Considering all that the Raspberries had, I couldn’t imagine Darla wanting for anything. Mrs. Raspberry controlled the gift opening procedure.

"This is from Jennifer," she said and handed Darla a small box. It contained several swimming caps of very garish design. I hoped it was meant to be funny. Several of the other girls began clapping and giggling and I echoed their approval.

My own gift was next to last. My stomach began doing flip flops as Darla received the package. I don’t know why Sally was worried. Her own gift, subscriptions to several teen magazines, was warmly received. Darla looked at the rather large package, looked at me and smiled. She undid the bow first and meticulously removed the wrapping paper. Everyone gasped. Had I done something wrong?

"Oh John it’s beautiful!" Darla exclaimed. I didn’t care what anyone else thought of my offering. As long as Darla liked it, that was all that mattered. The crowd "oohed" and "ahhed" as Darla carefully began examining the box.

"Joan you shouldn’t have," Mrs. Raspberry informed me. I looked at her wondering what I’d done wrong. "A jewelry box such as this must have cost far in excess of $100.00," she said finally. I was both proud of my own craftsmanship and delighted that Darla loved it.

"Oh Mommy! This will look perfect on my dresser," Darla’s voice begged, thinking that her mother would make me take it back.

"It’s really nothing Mrs. Raspberry," I said. "I made it myself." She looked at me incredulously. Her astonishment grew as she examined my work more carefully.

Upon completion she said, "you couldn’t have." Now I was getting a bit annoyed. I assured her that I had indeed designed and constructed the box all by myself. "Forgive me Joan. It’s just so perfect. Would you make one for me? I’ll pay you for it," she said sincerely.

"Mrs. Raspberry it would be my pleasure," I told her feeling very proud of myself at the moment. Darla ran over and hugged me tight, not caring that her mother and friends were looking on.

"OK now girls, settle down," her mother commanded. "Sweetheart, this is from your father and me," she said proudly handing Darla her last gift of the evening. Darla accepted the small package gratefully and slowly began to unwrap it. It contained two pair of diamond studs one large pair and a smaller set as well.

"Oh Mom! Do you mean it?"

"Well, I figure if Joan has her ears pierced in several places then so should you!" She exclaimed to everyone’s laughter and approval.

Mrs. Raspberry graciously accepted the hug and kiss from her daughter. "All right girls, it’s time for some cake and ice cream." We made our way back to the table where we’d sat a short time before. The cake was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. It reminded me of a wedding cake. The only thing missing was the bride and groom on top. Mrs. Raspberry carefully lit the candles and told Darla to blow them out and make a wish. She did. As she finished her eyes met my own knowingly. We all sang a resounding chorus of "Happy Birthday to You."

"If I may," Darla said when we were finished "I’d like to thank all of you for being here this evening. This is without question the best birthday I’ve ever had."

I couldn’t restrain myself. Although I’d never been considered the life of the party I found myself leading the group in, "Three cheers for the birthday girl HIP HIP HOORAY!" Thankfully everyone followed my lead. I really was having a good time, I realized at last.

We sat there eating cake and ice cream and Sally still questioned me skeptically. "Did you really make that jewelry box?" She said that as though she suspected I was trying to deceive everyone. The look of hurt in my own eyes convinced her that I’d been telling the truth. Thankfully, she didn’t ask me to make one for her too. I began wondering just how I was going to make one for Mrs. Raspberry. I didn’t have the proper tools at home. Could I match the perfection using a hand saw? Oh well, I’d worry about that another time.

"Ok girls," Mrs. Raspberry said,. "Time to get ready for bed." She left the room and quickly returned with eight inflatable mattresses. Was there anything these people didn’t have? Mrs. Raspberry hooked up the air pump and within minutes we each had our own mattress to sleep on. I couldn’t believe it, I’d actually forgotten to bring pajamas. How could I be so stupid?

The other girls went up into Darla’s room to change and I just stood there not knowing what to do. Mrs. Raspberry asked me what was wrong. I told her that I’d been so overwhelmed this week that I’d forgotten to bring night wear. She laughed at my concerns and told me to head on upstairs. She was sure that Darla had something I could borrow. I looked at her sheepishly and headed back to Darla’s room. I entered and all the girls were getting changed. Most of them were wearing pajamas. Fran however, had on a lacy nightgown. I stood there like a commuter lost on the subway. Finally Darla came over and said, "you didn’t bring any pajamas with you, did you?"

I laughed and told her, "you know me too well." She quickly returned with a pair of satin pajamas for me. Of course they were red. About half an hour later we all made our way back downstairs.

All of the air mattresses were lined up around the fireplace. The fire crackled loudly as the flickering light illuminated the room. I was totally exhausted, but before I could make myself comfortable Jennifer asked, "who wants to begin?" It was time to tell ghost stories. I did my best to pay attention, but by the time Sally started on her tale I was beginning to drift off. I’d never worn anything like satin pajamas before. I couldn’t believe how sensuous they felt. Every time I moved they slid across my body. It was a good thing that I kept the panties on, I thought, as sleep threatened to claim me. I had to admit it was a fantastic party. Not at all what I expected. I thought the evening would be spent applying nail polish and gossiping. Perhaps those kind of parties were for different occasions.

Darla seeing my head fall closer to the mattress came over and gently eased me all the way down. I was surrounded by my two best friends: Darla to the left of me and Sally to the right. Darla began cooing words of love softly into my ear. The rest of the girls were too busy listening to Sally’s story to notice. I’d never fallen asleep with someone’s warm moist breath reverberating on my ear lobes before. It was heavenly. She brushed the hair away from my cheeks and kissed them tenderly. "Goodnight sweet prince," she said as my eyes closed at last. It seemed like only moments later that someone was shaking me.

"Shhhh!" Darla said as she finally got my attention. I awoke with a start not remembering just where I was for a moment. "Come on Joan, get up! And be quiet about it or you’ll wake the others." It was pitch black outside as the sliding glass doors appeared to be opaque. "Hurry up or we’ll miss it," she beckoned with a sense of urgency. "Come on Joan, we have to go upstairs and get dressed." I began to wonder if this was a dream that I was experiencing.

As we entered her bedroom I said to her "Darla, is this a dream?" She chuckled and lightly pinched my arm. "Ow!" I replied as softly as I could.

"Now hush up and get dressed. No, don’t put your hose back on. Just the skort and your top. Yes, wear your bra too," she said anticipating my next question. "Ok now don’t put your shoes on till we’re out the front door." This was becoming more mysterious all the time. We descended the stairs like cat burglars.

Darla was carrying two blankets with her. Once outside I just had to ask her what was going on. "You mean you haven’t figured it out yet? And here I thought you were smart." We slowly began making our way to the ocean.

"Ah!" I said at last.

Darla started laughing and said "It took you long enough." We were off to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic. A truly magnificent sight. I’d only done it once in my life. When I was little my parents took me.

"But why the blankets?"

"Damn Joan, you really aren’t a morning person," she said and laughed aloud. We walked down the ramp to the beach and made our way to water’s edge. Darla quickly considered which way to go and headed away from the fishing pier. If they weren’t there already, there would soon be people casting their lines in hope of a free meal. "Hurry up Joan, I want to be seated for the show." I’d never thought of a sunrise as a show, but I suppose it was appropriate. At length we found a spot secluded enough and far enough back from the reach of potentially rogue waves. Darla spread the blanket and pulled me down beside her. She took the second blanket and wrapped it around our shoulders. We sat there staring out into the night.

"I’m so glad you’re here," she said as she put her arms around me.

"Me too," I replied and held her tight. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay awake. Then, she kissed me. Her lips embraced mine tenderly and I could feel her silky skin sliding against my own. I wasn’t sure if I loved her, but I knew that I wanted her. It was the former thought that kept my actions in check. I so wanted to explore her naked body with my tongue.

We kissed passionately for some time and then the bright yellow orb began emerging up over the ocean’s horizon. It was absolutely awe inspiring. "Thank you Darla for bringing me here this morning. I feel as though I’ve just been born anew.

"Thank you Joan for being here to share it with me." We held each other close under the blanket and for a brief time nothing else in the world seemed to matter…

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Is It Love?

Chapter 16

Darla and I sat there hugging and kissing till the sun was clearly visible on the horizon. I began to wonder and worry if I had missed my only opportunity to share our oneness. She didn’t seem disappointed though as we did everything but engage in intercourse. Her nipples were huge and ripe and each begged attention. I didn’t disappoint them. Darla’s moans nearly equaled my own. I knew then and there that we could have shared that ultimate expression of love between a man and a woman. Thoughts of Sam kept me from taking that final step. "I love you Joan" she whispered into the air. I so wanted to tell her I loved her too, but I’d already proclaimed my love for Sam. I couldn’t let myself go and enjoy all that Darla had to offer until I’d sorted it all out.

Knowing from previous experience that a response was required I found myself saying "Darla, you mean the world to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it." She took that to mean "I loved her." I guess any rational thinking person would have drawn that conclusion. My feelings for Darla were real and they ran deep. I knew she’d never betray me the way that Sam had. Why Sam found it necessary to take everyone’s side but mine, I’ll never know. Perhaps Sam didn’t know the meaning of the word "love." I knew that to simply cave in to Sam’s desires would make me less than a "person." I almost said less than a man, but, attempting to deal with the gender issue at this point was more than I could handle.

Darla and I dragged our very tired bodies back to her house. We removed our shoes and literally tip-toed back into the family room. Our air-mattresses were just as we’d left them. Our absence hadn’t been discovered. Darla wanted to go upstairs first and change back into her pajamas. I was far too tired to even contemplate the possibility. I walked over and collapsed on the mattress. I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. A few hours later I was awakened, but this time not by Darla but by Sally. Sally’s arm swung over my shoulder and she began pulling me closer. I remained in my semi-comatose state and allowed her to draw me as close as she liked. Before I knew it we were nuzzling in each other’s arms.

"What’s going on here?" a shrill voice awakened me. Sally and I awoke with a start.

"Huh?" I said as I attempted to remember just where I was and what was going on. Darla recognizing her overreaction calmed down and actually began to laugh.

"You two looked quite comfortable there," she said knowingly. Sally who was in a deeper sleep than I myself was simply smiled at our accuser.

At length Sally opened her eyes and acknowledged the situation for what it was. She was secure enough in her own thoughts and desires to not grant Darla any ground. She simply looked me in the eyes deeply and smiled. If for no other reason, I knew I’d always be her friend for her actions that morning. I followed her lead and essentially ignored Darla’s accusations. I’d been accused of too many things of late. In my own mind my biggest crime was caring too much. I was sure that most wouldn’t see it that way. Still, in my heart I knew what was true and whether or not anyone else believed it was of no consequence to me.

I pulled myself to my feet and whispered to Darla my apology. "I’m sorry, I was asleep and thought I was holding you." She sighed aloud and hugged me. Thankfully no one commented on the fact that I’d been sleeping in my clothes.

"Joan, look at yourself! You’re a mess!" Did I say that no one commented? "Come with me." I followed her wondering what she had planned now. She took me up into her room and began rummaging through her closet. "I was going to select another skirt for you to wear but since most of the girls will be changing into jeans this morning, I’ve selected a pair for you. I hope they fit?" I took the jeans from her. They looked normal enough but for the silver swan on the watch pocket in front. They were tight in the waist and wide at the rear. All in all, they would do except, I needed a belt. Darla returned to her closet anticipating my request and came back out with both hands behind her back. She pulled out her left hand and extended it towards me.

Of course, it contained a red leather belt. I shook my head in disbelief and she broke out in laughter as her right hand was revealed holding a simple black leather belt. I found myself laughing with her. I kept my white top on and put on my maryjanes. No pantyhose required. I was grateful for that as it promised to be a warm day and hose under jeans just wouldn’t work.

"Joan, go and wash your face, I want to see how it looks without the makeup on."

I wondered why for a moment and then realized she wanted to check the extent of my injuries. I’d forgotten all about them and took that as a good sign. I washed my face and peered into the mirror. Raccoon Joan stared back at me. Of course, I hadn’t brought a toothbrush with me either and applied a bit of toothpaste to my forefinger in an attempt to clean the fur off of my teeth. It worked well enough this one time. I didn’t want to ask Darla if I could borrow a toothbrush. I’d made far too many requests of her already.

I patted my face dry and began doing my makeup. I could tell by the feel and the fading that my face was healing. I didn’t need to have it come under Darla’s inspection. It was a lot more work being a girl than it was being a boy. How could I have forgotten such basic things as a toothbrush and change of clothes? In fairness to myself, this was the first sleep-over I’d ever been on. I hoped it wouldn’t be the last. I fixed my hair and twisted my earrings. The original holes were almost healed. At least, they seemed to be. They twisted with no resistance whatsoever. I put on my lipstick and gave myself a smile. It’s funny, but I found myself always smiling before walking away from my own image. Darla then came in and readied the water temperature for her own shower. She didn’t seem to care that I was standing just a few feet away from her as she got undressed.

"Joan, why don’t you go downstairs and join the other girls. I’ll be down in just a bit." Just as she was about to enter, I walked over to her and stole a kiss. Her smile was the best gift I’d ever received.

I made my way back downstairs and everyone was busy reconstructing the room. Jennifer was in charge of deflating the air-mattresses and was almost finished when I offered her my help. "Why don’t you go and help Lori set the table?" Ah, there would be food! My stomach growled in agreement and I walked over to the table where we’d shared our meal the night before. It only took a few minutes to arrange the table to perfection.

"I’ll bet it’ll be really nice having someone prepare a meal for you," Sarah said derisively. She thought she’d been insulting me, but in truth I had to agree with her.

"Yes, Sarah, it will,." I replied. She looked at me as though I was a stranger from another planet and went off in search of another victim. She’d lost her one ally, Janice, after her outburst at my injury last night. I honestly couldn’t understand why Darla was friends with her.

Darla arrived at last looking absolutely radiant. I began to wonder if I was falling in love with her. Perhaps I should remember my own advice to her: "we’re just kids," I remembered. Mrs. Raspberry and a few of the other mothers came in bearing food. I was starving, but was determined not to make a pig out of myself. When I saw that the other girls weren’t standing on protocol, I jumped in and filled my plate. I’d never seen a banquet such as this. The choices seemed limitless. I watched the behavior of the other guests and took my cues from them. If I had to use one word to describe their eating method it would be, "dainty." -I took a blueberry muffin and some fresh fruit and began nibbling carefully at the muffin.

Sally looked at me and started laughing. "Relax Joan, we’ve seen you eat before." I blushed at her comment but I did indeed begin to relax. The conversation turned to what they were going to do that afternoon. It seemed Darla, Sally, Sarah, Janice, and Jennifer would be spending the afternoon together.

"Can you come with us?" Darla asked in a pleading voice.

"I’d love to Darla, but I really have to be getting home."

Sarah smirked and said "yeah, I bet she has to go home and wash her mommy’s panties." I smiled at her but said nothing. She didn’t know how close she was to the truth. In the end, they decided on a day at the beach. Jennifer and Janice lived inland and this would be a special treat for them. Breakfast finished, I began clearing away the table. It just seemed the most natural thing to do. Another barb from Sarah "you’ll make some woman the perfect wife someday," she said. I began to wonder whether Sarah lived at my house and I just didn’t know it. As I brought the dishes into the kitchen, I found myself staring longingly at the coffee pot.

Mrs. Raspberry noticed me and said, "Go ahead Joan, pour yourself a cup." I wasn’t sure whether or not to accept her offer. None of the other girls were drinking coffee. She seemed to read my mind when she said, "it’s all right dear, most of the other girls don’t drink coffee, so I didn’t put any out. Darla sometimes shares a cup with me. Now, grab a cup and come sit down with me. The other girls can finish cleaning up." I began to regret my hunger for caffeine. Not wanting to appear rude, I took a cup, filled it, and went to join Mrs. Raspberry at the kitchen table. "Ok, first thing first. I insist that you call me Aunt Viv," she said. "Mrs. Raspberry is a bit too much for my delicate ears," she chuckled as if she’d made a joke.

"Of course Mrs., er, Aunt Viv," I replied.

"Next, tell me about yourself. How long have you felt this way?" I gave her a look that showed that I was clueless. She caught on and said "I’m sorry Joan, I didn’t mean to embarrass you." Remembering that her parents thought I was gay, I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I didn’t want to find myself excluded from future outings on the basis of my gender. The camaraderie shared with the other girls was something I’d never known before. I was happier than I could ever remember being.

"Aunt Viv, if you were referring to my sexuality, I’m not really sure how I feel about things," I said honestly. I might have made a mistake. She began to eye me suspiciously. The pools of liquid that quickly filled my eyes convinced her of my sincerity.

"It’s all right Joan, I think I understand." A sigh of relief escaped my lips.

I was glad that somebody got "it." I wasn’t sure whether or not I ever would. Feeling much better from the jolt of caffeine, I thanked Aunt Viv for her company and made my way back to join the others. It was beginning to close in on noon and I needed to get home. I didn’t see Darla anywhere so I made my way upstairs to retrieve my things. Her bedroom door was closed and I could heard muffled moans escape through the walls. I figured I’d better knock and did so gently before entering. I opened the door and much to my surprise Darla and Sarah were locked in firm embrace. Darla looked over at me as though she’d stabbed me through the heart. She had.

"Don’t you knock before entering a room Joan?" Sarah demanded.

"I did." I started to explain and then realized that all I -wanted to do was get out of there. Grabbing my things I made my way into her bathroom.

Just moments before, I found myself falling in love with this wondrous creature. And now, the rug was being pulled out from under me yet again. I sat on the commode unable to move. I wanted to cry but for some reason I just couldn’t. I quickly removed all of Darla’s clothes including her bra and panties and left them on the edge of the tub. Thankfully, I had my skort and my private parts wouldn’t be visible to the world. I finished getting dressed. I was so tempted to throw the damned breast forms in the garbage, but at length I put them in my purse. Sarah was laughing as I made my way back into Darla’s room.

"What happened to your breasts Joan?" I didn’t even look in her direction. I made my way downstairs and as quietly as I could out the front door. I felt guilty, but under the circumstances couldn’t see myself thanking "Aunt Viv" for a wonderful time. I ran all the way home.

The last person in the world I wanted to see was waiting for me upon arrival. She looked at me and said, "Did you have a good time sweetheart?" I thought she was lost in the fog. I did my best to leave her there, but in the end, the tears won out.

"Oh Mommy!" I sobbed. I was determined not to give her any further information. Thankfully she didn’t press the issue and just hugged me gently while rubbing my back. At length I gained control of myself and told her that I was going upstairs to change. I could tell she was dying to ask me what had happened to my "breasts." I moved quickly before she could change her mind and begin interrogating me. I literally ripped the clothes from my body and threw them on the floor. I grabbed some clean underwear and made my way into the shower. I scrubbed my face carefully. The water’s warm embrace failed to brighten my mood. If anything, I was sadder when I finished than before I began.

I cried myself to sleep clutching that stupid bear. It was after four when Mom began shaking me gently. "Joan, wake up. You can’t sleep all day." I was half determined to never leave my bed again. "Come on sweetheart, you promised to make me dinner, remember?" I’d promised her no such thing, but I smiled at her nonetheless. "Sweetheart, I won’t question you about what happened. You can tell me about it if and when you’re ready." I was beyond grateful for her words.

"Thanks Mom," I said desolately.

"I’m going to go back downstairs now. I have a few more loads of wash to do before dinner." I almost couldn’t believe my ears. Mom hadn’t done the wash since she’d assigned that task to me at the ripe old age of twelve.

This time my smile was genuine as I said yet again, "Thanks Mom."

I found myself staring at my reflection in my bedroom mirror. I was a mess, but a recognizable mess. John stared back at me. I was beyond tempted to take the earrings out of my ears. Several times I found my hands on the delicate butterfly clasps. In the end I fixed my hair so that my lobes would be concealed. I put on a pair of normal jeans and my favorite faded blue tee shirt. John had returned, if only for the moment. As had become routine for me, I smiled at the mirror before making my way downstairs. Upon seeing me, Mom seemed saddened, but didn’t say anything. I busied myself with dinner preparations. Poached salmon, boiled potatoes, and broccoli were the order of the day. Making dinner was far easier than I’d ever imagined. I thought cynically that I’d sign up for home economics in the fall. That would be an easy "A." Still, remembering my promise to Mr. Ferris and not being able to take both classes simultaneously, I put such thoughts aside.

It was just after six and I told Mom that dinner would be served in a minute. Not wanting to encourage her drinking, I didn’t make her a gin and tonic as I did every night this past week. Mom sat down and we began eating. "Sweetheart, if I’d known you were such a good cook, I’d have had you making dinner years ago," she said and began laughing. The image of myself preparing dinner at the ripe old age of eight had me laughing as well. "Are you going to be all right being home alone this evening?" she asked shaking me out of my reverie.

"What?" I said not sure that I’d heard her correctly.

"I’m going out this evening with Alice," she announced at last. I couldn’t believe how happy I was knowing that I wouldn’t have to entertain my mother for the evening. She saw the look of relief on my face and commented. "I guess I’ve been a little overwhelming with you, haven’t I?"

"No Mom, it’s been great!" I said as enthusiastically as I could.

She looked at me and thanked me for my lie with a motherly glance. I smiled back at her. She hadn’t mentioned Dad for the longest time. I hated to admit it, but I missed him. I’d gladly make him breakfast if he’d just come home. Mom seemed to be reading my thoughts, but thankfully didn’t say anything.

"So, what are you two ladies up to this evening?" I asked with more than the obvious motive in mind. My real concern was just how much time I’d have to myself this evening.

"Not to worry dear," she replied cryptically. "You’ll be asleep long before I get home." I couldn’t question my mother about her comings and goings, could I? I began clearing the table. Shandy was not fond of salmon so there was no need to add any to her bowl before beckoning her to come and eat.

The kitchen cleaned, I made my way into the family room. Mom meanwhile had run upstairs to get ready for her evening out. It was 7:30 when Aunt Alice walked in. I couldn’t ever remember her knocking on our door before entering. "Oh my! When did you get a pet raccoon?" she asked me. "No, wait a minute, you are the raccoon!" she said laughing at her own lame attempt at humor. What else could I do? I smiled at her and told her Mom would be down in a minute. I wanted to ask her about Sam, but managed to restrain myself. Aunt Alice seemed perfectly at ease and felt no need to engage me in conversation. Something else to be grateful for, I smiled to myself. Moments later Mom came down the stairs. She looked absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her looking so pretty and told her so. For someone in her mid-thirties, she was absolutely "hot."

They began to make their way to the door. "Now Joan, you do have my cell phone number in case of an emergency, don’t you?"

"I know it by heart," I informed her as they made their way out the door.

"I’ll see you in the morning sweetheart," she said and with that, they were gone. With all of the excitement finally over, I found myself thinking of my own problems. Only the names had been changed. Instead of wondering just how Sam could have done what she did, I now found myself wondering how Darla had. I shook myself out of my bout of depression. I wasn’t going to stay home this evening and mope. For the first time in my life I was free of parental control.

I figured I had a few hours before Mom would call to check up on me. Still, it was closing in on eight o’clock and I decided that might not be the case. I rang her cell phone and told her I needed to get out of the house for awhile so if she called and I wasn’t there, not to worry. She told me I’d better be back by eleven or there’d be hell to pay. This was more than I could have hoped for and I readily agreed. She bade me goodbye and told me to have fun. For some reason it seemed that the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. Knowing that Sam was probably home alone too, I decided to give her a call. No answer at the Peters’ household. I wasn’t going to let it get me down.

I checked my appearance in the mirror and decided that I looked just fine. With conscious effort I kept from smiling as I walked away. I hadn’t received my allowance from Mom and was forced to dig into my reserves. I removed ten dollars and stuffed the bills into my pants pocket. I almost wished I could carry my purse. Putting such thoughts aside, I made my way to the boardwalk. The bright lights and carnival atmosphere did what the shower couldn’t: My spirit began to soar. I walked around for awhile unconsciously looking for Sam. I started to feel a bit down when I didn’t find her. Why I had thought she might be there, I’d never know. I just did. Finally, I made my way to the arcade. A few games of non-competitive ski ball were in order. Just me against the machine. I was in the middle of my third game when a voice came from behind.

"I thought I might find you here."

I hoped it was Sam’s voice, but I knew that it wasn’t before turning around. When I did, Sally greeted me warmly. "You didn’t say goodbye this morning," she admonished. I stood there in stunned silence. "Go on and finish your game and let’s take a walk." Curious as to what she had to say, I did as requested. All thoughts of a winning game had long deserted me. In fact, I rolled the last two balls simultaneously garnering a smile from Sally.

Having finished, I turned to her and said, "What’s up?" She looked at me and smiled.

"Come on," was all she said. She took my hand and led me out of the arcade. It seemed I was the perfect person to hold hands with, I thought to myself sadly.

She led me to the beach ramp. I tried to steer her in another direction. "Come on silly!" she exclaimed. I removed my sneakers and we made our way to ocean’s edge. "You know, you look a lot better in a skirt," she said and giggled. I wasn’t so sure about that and was just glad to be wearing pants. "What happened this morning? You left without even saying goodbye. I asked Darla where you’d gone and she totally ignored me." Could I tell her? Should I tell her? Before I could utter a word she said, "you caught them, didn’t you?" I began crying. "I warned you about Darla." I looked at her not knowing what she was talking about. "Don’t you remember last week at the dance? I told you that you were an experiment for her."

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. "I’m sure Darla never meant to hurt you. I know for a fact that she likes you, hell maybe even loves you, very much." I took no comfort from her words. "But Darla and Sarah have been together for a long, long time," she said as if that made everything all right. "You know Joan, when you were asleep this morning and you woke up in my embrace, you thought it was an accident. I knew exactly what I was doing," she informed me. Not again, my mind screamed at me. I was on total overload. Sobbing and shaking, I made my way just beyond ocean’s grasp. I sat down on the wet sand. Why did these things keep happening to me? I could see myself falling for Sally and then having her tell me that it was all a mistake. I knew if she ever told me she loved me that I’d curl up and die.

"I can’t handle all of this," I said at last. She sat next to me and made no move to comfort me. I was grateful for her distance.

"It’s going to be all right Joan," she said with some certainty. I wished that I could believe her. "After you left, Darla canceled our trip to the boardwalk much to Janice’s and Jennifer’s dismay. Sarah seemed pleased however, thinking she’d have Darla all to herself. That never happened though. Everyone was gone by one o’clock." I almost felt guilty for having ruined Jennifer’s and Janice’s afternoon.

"Thanks for telling me all this Sally," I whispered to her. I wasn’t sure if I felt better or not. Hell, truth be told, I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.

We sat there silently staring into the abyss. "Did you enjoy the sunrise with
Darla this morning?" How did she know, I wondered?

"It was glorious," I admitted and smiled at her. With that she entwined both of her arms around my own.

"Would you share such an experience with me?" she asked seriously. I began to think I’d soon have a reputation as "Don Joan." "I’m sorry Joan," she said. "I had no right to ask that of you. " She began weeping softly.

"Oh Sally, I’m sorry," I offered. "I had no idea…" as my voice trailed off. What was going on here? Tune in next time for another episode of "my twisted life" I thought as a cynical laugh escaped me. Sally mistook my laugh for something else.

"You’re making fun of me!" she insisted.

"No Sally! That’s not it at all,." I told her. "I was laughing at my own sorry state of affairs." She didn’t seem placated by my explanation. I put my arms around her and pulled her close in an attempt to offer her solace. She grinned up at me as if I’d intended something else. She kissed me.

Though I had very limited experience, her kiss was like no other’s. I felt her honesty and desire shining through. Lost in the moment, I kissed her back and kissed her hard. "Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. Her use of the feminine form of my name excited me all the more. Here was a person that accepted me, warts and all. We continued kissing for the longest time. I was more confused when it ended than I’d been before we began. She smiled at me sweetly when all was said and done. She was in no hurry to let me go. Finally she seemed all right and I told her it was time to head back to the boardwalk. She offered no resistance as I helped her to her feet. I wasn’t sure, but worried that she had stars in her eyes. I caught myself before sighing aloud.

We made our way back to the boardwalk. The evening was in full swing. The number of visitors to our humble town had increased dramatically. Sally held my hand and smiled triumphantly. I wished that I’d shared her joy. My psyche was torn in so many different directions. I thought in the end that I’d wind up with Sarah. I laughed so hard at the absurdity of my thoughts that we had to stop.

"What’s so funny Joan?" she asked me. I gave her the edited version of my thoughts and she began laughing too. Back on the boardwalk, a pretty girl by my side, we began walking. I dragged her over to a wheel of chance. She looked at me questioningly, knowing that the games were for the tourists. First spin and I’d won. Yes, number "two" was apparently my lucky number.

I offered Sally the choice of the stand. A conglomeration of choices awaited her. Imagine my surprise when she selected a "teddy bear." It seemed Teddy and Jola were destined to be triplets. "Thank you John!" she exclaimed and hugged me tightly. "I’ll treasure this always," she said knowingly. Feelings of pride surged through me. It had been just a "bit of luck" after all. I began to wonder cynically if she’d reject my offering before we arrived at her front door.

Reasonably familiar with the routine at this point, I asked her, "what are you going to name him?"

She stared thoughtfully at the toy for a few moments before responding, "Jolly, of course!" I found myself laughing at her creativity. The "jo" from my own name and the "lly" from hers. I was indeed feeling "jolly" at the moment.

"Sally, we’d better get you home." She nodded appreciatively and asked me if I’d walk her. "There’s no need to ask Miss," I responded as gallantly as I could. We held hands as we made our way to her abode.

"John?" she asked me. "You did have a good time at the party, didn’t you?"

"Aside from how it all ended, it was the best time of my life. Well, except for getting knocked on my ass too," I laughed. She gazed into my two black eyes and smiled.

"You really ought to give Aunt Viv a call and thank her. She was very upset with the way you left. Darla told her that you had lost track of time and had to get home. I almost believed her myself till I saw the sly smile on Sarah’s face."

"Sally, I can’t call the Raspberry residence. I could however send her a thank you note, and I will." I wouldn’t know what to say to Darla. It seemed every time a girl told me she loved me I was doomed.

"Sally, you have to promise me one thing." She looked at me expectantly. "You have to promise to never tell me you love me." She began laughing and I found myself joining in. It was a long walk to Sally’s house and I’d have an even longer walk home when I was done. "What possessed you to head to the boardwalk this evening?" I asked her.

"Seriously?" she said in a questioning tone. "I hoped you might be there."

"But why, how?" I needed some answers.

"Darla told me of your trip to the arcade and how you really seemed to come alive when you played ski ball. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I had a hunch that you would be there. I am your friend John, I hope you know that?"

"Yes, I do, and I will always be your friend Sally," I said solemnly. She smiled at that and hugged "Jolly" tight to her chest.

We arrived at her home and she thanked me for literally saving her day. "I’d ask you in, but it’s getting kind of late," she said.

"It’s all right," I replied. "I have to get going myself. In fact if I’m not home in forty-five minutes I’m going to turn into a pumpkin, or something like that." She laughed along with me. We hugged and shared one last kiss before I was on my way. I waited until she went in the front door and began my long trek home. It was a beautiful summer’s night, but summer had yet to officially arrive. I now had two people to straighten things out with. I sighed and continued walking. The phone was ringing as I made my way in the front door.

"John, are you there?" Mom asked before I could say anything.

Slightly out of breath I wheezed into the mouthpiece, "Yes Mom, I’m home."

"I was really starting to get worried," she informed me.

"I’m sorry Mom, is it eleven o’clock already?" She laughed and admitted that no it wasn’t, but she hadn’t expected that I’d be out so late.

"Are you having a good time Mom?" I just had to ask.

"I’m having a wonderful time darling," she said in her most convincing voice.

"Good!" I replied. "I think it’s time I hit the hay," I told her. We exchanged goodnights and I told her I’d see her in the morning.

I hung up the phone and let Shandy, who’d been whining at the back door, outside to relieve herself. I waited about five minutes, she came in and I made my way upstairs. I picked my party clothes up from the floor and put them in the hamper. I removed the breast forms from my purse and put them back on their mounts. I stood staring into the bathroom mirror absentmindedly twisting my earrings. Were things ever going to get back to normal, I wondered aloud. I lay in bed and remembered my promise to contact Sam before the weekend was over. No more phone calls, tomorrow I’d be knocking on Sam’s front door. I was somewhat saddened that Sam hadn’t contacted me to ask if I was ok. And Darla, what of Darla? One minute she tells me she loves me and the next she’s locked in embrace with her former lover. It was all a bit overwhelming. I turned out my light and gently drifted off to sleep.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 17

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

I awoke late on Sunday morning. Not a sound came from Mom’s bedroom. I opened her door and peeked inside just to make sure everything was all right. She seemed lost to the world. I went back to my room and put on the clothes that I’d worn yesterday. It was time to mow the lawn. Thinking in some insane way that it might garner Sam’s attention, I mowed the lawn using a different pattern yet again. I missed her more than my next breath. Nothing in this world was going to stop me from talking to her face to face this day. The lawn finished, I decided it was time for a shower and some fresh clothes.

I stared at my visage in the mirror with my shower completed. The raccoon eyes were beginning to fade. I found myself wanting to put on full makeup and my new red skort, but I resisted the urge. I was going to be "John", if only for today. By the time I’d finished, it was closing in on 11:00 AM. I had no idea what time Mom had arrived home, but decided it was time she get up. I made my way downstairs and put on a pot of coffee. I’d never made coffee before, but the simplicity of the task bordered on the ludicrous. I filled Mom’s favorite cup with the strong beverage, selected the cream and sugar, put everything assembled on a tray and marched purposefully to her room.

"Good morning sleepy head," I announced myself as I entered. "Time to get up." Mom rolled over several times in bed groaning before acknowledging me. Her eyes met mine with a smile.

"Just coffee, no breakfast?" she asked in a teasing voice.

"If you want breakfast, you’re going to have to come downstairs. What would you like?"

"Hmmmm?" she thought aloud. "I’ll have a western omelet, some bacon, and some fresh fruit," she said and began to giggle.

"Consider it done. Breakfast will be ready in fifteen minutes. Just make sure that you are," I said before heading back downstairs.

Mom arrived just as I was finishing up. I was glad to be able to perform this simple task for her. "More coffee madam?" I asked remembering the scene with my father just one week ago today.

"Yes, kind sir," she said "That would be wonderful." I poured her coffee and served up her food. What remained was more than enough for me. "Did you have a good time last night?" We both asked each other simultaneously and burst out laughing. I went first.

"I went to the boardwalk. The sounds and the sights lifted my spirits. And then there was Sally," I added mysteriously. She giggled at my attempt at worldly behavior. "And how was your evening Mom?" I asked her directly.

"Your Aunt Alice and I went out to a club," she said without including any further details.

"And, did you have a good time?" I asked her. I wasn’t sure which answer would make me happy. If she’d had a good time, it seemed it would have a negative effect on my life somehow. If she didn’t have a good time, I reasoned that things would continue to spiral downward.

"To be honest, it was better than I expected," she said at last. It may sound insane but her inability to provide a definite answer was probably the best news she could have given me..

Breakfast finished, I cleaned up and put everything away. Mom sat there with her third cup of coffee and a cigarette while I performed my chores. "Mom?" I asked her. "I’m not sure how to say this, but I didn’t get my allowance yesterday."

"It seems you said it well enough," she replied "Do you need the money right now?" she asked with mock sincerity.

"No, that’s ok. I just didn’t want you to forget about it." She laughed and told me to go and get her purse. I really didn’t need the money at the moment, but I didn’t want to have to ask her again. I went and got her purse.

"Now let’s see," she said opening her wallet. "That’s twenty dollars minus the cost of last night’s dinner plus my labor for doing your laundry. I believe you owe me about $15.00," she said at last. I stood there staring at her slack jawed. She burst into a fit of giggles and handed me my money. The way Mom had been acting lately, anything was possible. I’d have to be careful with my cash reserves just to be on the safe side.

It was just after noon and I’d made up my mind to see Sam today come hell or high water and that’s what I was going to do. I had no clue as to what I was going to say to her when I finally got her attention. Still, this had gone on long enough.. I honestly had no real reason to feel happy, but somehow I did. Sadly however, the feeling didn’t last. The more I thought about Sam, the more I realized that I didn’t know what to say to her. How many times was she going to tell me she loved me and then betray me before I’d finally get the message? The day was another hot one. It finally felt like summer was here to stay. I grabbed a pair of cut-offs and a clean tee shirt. I considered for a moment how funny it would be if I wore pantyhose with my chosen outfit. It was then that I remembered my shaved legs. Oh well, they go good with my pink fingernails, I thought and began laughing. I put my room back in order paying special attention to Jola as I placed her safely atop my pillow. It struck me as odd the way I’d become attached to that stuffed toy, but I was determined not to worry about it. As I’d done last night, I pulled my hair over my pierced lobes. My heart began to pound as I ran out of things to do in my room. I knew that if I was going to see Sam, I’d have to simply bite the bullet and do it.

I made my way downstairs and went into the kitchen to tell Mom of my plans. She was still sitting there. I wished I knew how I could help her. Would there come a point where I could safely ask her about Dad? Why hadn’t he contacted me? It felt like everyone in my life was abandoning me. I decided that if I hadn’t heard from him by Wednesday, I was going to call him at work.

"Mom, I’m going to go over to Sam’s for a bit," I told her. I regretted saying it as soon as I had done so. What if she wasn’t home or didn’t want to talk to me? Then I’d have to explain to Mom why not and what was going on.

"Are you sure you want to do that John?" Did she know something that I didn’t?

"What do you mean Mom?"

"Well, just a few days ago she nearly beat you to death," Mom said exaggerating the scene severely.

"Any other reasons?" I asked. She seemed genuinely confused by my question. I reasoned that she didn’t know anything more than I did and with that, I bade her farewell.

Sam arrived at my front door just as I was making my exit. She was carrying teddy in her left hand. If teddy could talk I’m sure he’d be screaming in agony from being carried in that fashion. I hadn’t realized how angry I was with her till this very moment. I almost found myself telling her to go away when she asked me if I’d go for a walk with her.

"You’d better put your teddy bear away first," she said and handed him to me. I ran up the stairs clutching the bear to my breast. I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to go back down again. Time seemed to stand still. At length Sam shouted up the stairs "John, are you coming?" I gritted my teeth and went back down.

"Let’s go," I said pushing her out of the way as I made my exit. She followed meekly. We began walking towards the boardwalk. Anyone seeing us would think we were staring in a new Hollywood film: "Glum and Glummer." For the first time in a long time, I had no desire to hold her hand.

She reached out for mine, but I withdrew them protectively. It wasn’t going to be that easy. As relationships went, I found myself wondering whether there was anything left to save. How did we wind up here, I wondered? "Are you going to talk to me?" she asked.

"I honestly don’t know what to say, Sam." We walked on silently for awhile before she added

"Well, do you want to be my friend, or don’t you?" One day I was the love of her life and now she was asking me if I wanted to be her friend. I carefully considered what I was going to say before saying it.

"Not if you’re going to treat me the way that you have these past few weeks." We continued walking. It almost seemed as though our walk was purposeful. Two angry and sad teens on their way to a definite destination.

"John, I’m sorry." It seemed to me that I’d heard this song before.

"That’s what you said last time, Sam," I informed her.

I needed to feel the ocean. It somehow called to me. I made my way to the ramp leading down to the beach. Sam followed me yet again. The warm wind whipped the hair around my face. The soft salt spray assaulted my senses. Sam twisted me around to face her. Before I realized it, I was screaming at her, "What, are you going to hit me again?" Her body crumpled to the sand and she wailed as if she’d lost her only child. I couldn’t bear to see her in such agony. I sat down next to her and let her cry.

"How could you?" she asked me between sobs. Now I was getting curious.

"How could I what?"

"How could you make plans to go to "her" party when I wanted you to be with me?" she said as the tears continued to flow. So, she’d known what my "other plans" were it seemed.

"Sarah made sure to let me know that you were going to Darla’s party," she screamed. My good friend Sarah. I should have known.

"Sam, did you ever stop to consider that I’d have told Billy I had other plans even if those plans were to stay home and pop my pimples?" Apparently she hadn’t as she continued crying. Still, I felt guilty. Sam was right in the first place. I did have other plans and those plans were to attend Darla’s party.

"You went to her party though, didn’t you Joan?"

"I may have, but that’s not the point"

"Isn’t it?"

I sat there silently. Through all of this I thought I’d had "right" on my side. Now I felt totally worthless and unworthy of anyone’s friendship. "You should know," she said at length, "there are pictures of you dancing in a skirt on Sarah’s home page. I didn’t believe my eyes at first, but the more I looked at those pictures I realized it had to be you. You see, Sarah called me yesterday afternoon and suggested I take a look at her page."

"Hang on a second Sam. On Wednesday you more or less told me you didn’t want anything to do with me. On Thursday you beat the hell out of me and now I stand accused. Of what? Of having a life? It seems to me that whenever anything happens you’re always siding with others over me. Somehow, I don’t think lovers treat each other that way. Was I simply supposed to stay home and play with myself while you went to Billy’s party on Friday night?" It’s funny, for awhile there I suffered a brain freeze and almost bought into her explanation of events. "The way I see things," I went on, "You went out of your way to push Darla and me together."

"And how did that work out for you?" she asked with more than a trace of sarcasm in her voice. It seemed that Sarah had proclaimed her victory there as well.

"It worked out fine Sam." Part of me felt that it had. Can’t explain it, but for some reason I wasn’t even upset with Darla. Sam looked me in the eyes and for a moment I thought she was going to hit me again. "I know you don’t want to hear this, but I really had a wonderful time at her party. I’ve never been to a sleep over before and the girls with one glaring exception were terrific. How was Billy’s party?" I asked her really wanting to know. She laughed as if I’d asked the stupidest question possible.

"It was a disaster, is that what you wanted to hear? There were five boys and three girls and all they wanted to do was play spin the bottle. The highlight of the evening was when I spun the bottle and it landed on Maria. Her kiss was quite exquisite."

She began laughing and I laughed with her. I’m still not sure if it was joyous laughter or something darker. "Where do we go from here?" I asked her.

She looked about in every direction and said, "What’s wrong with here?" I punched her arm playfully and we both began laughing again, but for real this time.

"Come on, Let’s walk a little farther." I helped her to her feet, held her hand and we walked towards the lighthouse. It was still far off in the distance. We could make it there, but then we’d need a ride back. "Are you up for a walk to the lighthouse?" I asked her.

"Sure," she said and smiled at me. We continued walking as the waves danced around our feet. The ocean’s spray seemed to cleanse our spirits as we moved onward.

Everything almost seemed as it once had been. Still, things had changed and I knew I’d never regain my former innocence. We walked for a long while and finally I found myself pulling Sam around to face me. I looked deep into her eyes. Two perfect blue orbs stared back at me. "I’ve missed you Sam," I whispered. She grabbed my head in both of her hands and kissed me for all she was worth. This was the person my heart ached for. She was the one who set my soul afire. We kissed and held each other close as if we were never going to see one another again. That sense of desperation added a touch of sadness to the entire experience.

"I love you John," she whispered. I immediately felt my body tense. "What’s wrong?" she asked.

"Sam, every time you tell me you love me…" my voice drifted off into nothingness. "Just don’t say anything," I implored and kissed her again. It seemed to take forever and my legs were quite sore when we finally reached the New Colony Lighthouse. "Shall we make a donation and climb up to the top?" I asked her. I’d lived here all my life, but I’d never been inside the lighthouse.

"Absolutely," Sam replied as we made our way inside. We waited our turn and ascended the steep spiral staircase. The ocean view from the top was beyond explanation. It was absolutely magnificent. I found myself wishing that I had my camera with me.

We made our way back down the tower and reality set in. "Ok, now how are we going to get home?" I asked her.

"You’re asking me? This was your idea, or don’t you remember that?" she laughed. I saw the edge of the amusement pier far off in the distance and knew I lacked the strength to walk back. "Well let’s go to the clam shack and get something to eat before figuring out just how to get home," Sam suggested. The food couldn’t possibly have been as good as it tasted. I must have been starving. We checked with the counter person and found out that a bus would be by in about fifteen minutes to take us back. He pointed to the bus stop across the way. With each passing moment I felt closer to Sam. Things would never be the way they were, but I honestly found myself thinking that they could be better than they’d ever been.

We sat on the bench at the bus stop holding hands and swinging our legs to and fro. I’m sure those that saw us assumed that we were "special children." The bus arrived, I paid the fare and we began the ride home. These days it seemed that I was the only one with money to spend. At this rate my allowance would never last till next Saturday. Sam reading my worries said, "It’s ok Joan, I’ll give you a few dollars when we get home."

"Don’t be ridiculous Sam, my treat." I was going to have to find another source of income. Twenty dollars per week just wasn’t going to get the job done, I laughed to myself. It was a year ago when Mom had upped my allowance from $15 per week. I thought it was all the money in the world. I began to wonder if Aunt Viv would actually pay me to make a jewelry box for her. I’d have to do a cost analysis on the project and soon.

The journey which had taken us over two hours on foot was a mere ten minute ride on the bus. "Will you come sit with me by the water?" I asked her pleadingly.

"I can’t think of anything I’d rather do," she said and we made our way back to the waves. We sat at a distance where at most our feet would be soaked. It was almost as if we were daring the ocean to come and get us. I hugged her and she hugged me in return.

"Sam, don’t ever let me go," I said speaking of time eternal and not the moment.

"I won’t if you won’t," she replied. We both laughed at that. It seemed everything in life was a contest to Sam.

"Samantha, I love you!" I shouted from the depths of my soul. Her eyes reached deep into my own before she replied

"I’ll always love you John." John! She’d called me John! Somehow her declaration meant more to me that way. I couldn’t begin to explain my thoughts or understand them.

She held me in her arms and kissed me. I wasn’t sure why, but I liked the way it felt. Just letting myself go and having her take control. I only hoped that I could trust her not to hurt me again. I wasn’t sure if those dark thoughts would ever leave me. "I’d really love to see you in your skirt."

"It wasn’t a skirt, it was a skort." She looked at me as if I was speaking gibberish. I attempted an explanation. "What I had on may have looked like a skirt, but it was really a pair of shorts with a panel across the front."

"Well, whatever it was, you looked so damned sexy in it," she replied. I found myself wishing that I was properly dressed at the moment. "And those breasts of yours looked so real in the pictures," she continued. "How did you manage that?" she asked sincerely. I smiled at her.

"We girls have our secrets."

"I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what I did to your beautiful face," she said as the tears began to flow.

"It’s all right Sam," I whispered.

"I’m fine, but I have to tell you something. I’ll never let you hit me again. If you do, we’re finished. And no, I won’t hit you back. I think I made that clear already. It’s one thing to play wrestle. Hell, I never even considered the sexual implications of our wrestling before. Still, I am nobody’s punching bag." I hoped she understood and appreciated what I was saying. With wisdom far beyond my years I thought, time would tell.

"I’m sorry Joan," she cried.

"It’s all right darling," I assured her. We sat there awhile longer.

"Will you get dressed for me?" she asked finally. It only took me a minute to figure out what she was talking about. I can be a bit slow sometimes.

"Of course I will sweetheart," I told her.

"Tonight?" she asked.

"Tonight?" I echoed her statement.

She smiled at me and said "Yes Joan, I expect you over at my house at 7:30 this evening in full regalia." Ah, how could I get myself out of this one?

"Sam, I’m not so sure that this evening…" She cut me off.

"You said you would, please?" she begged. How could I refuse her?

"Well, if I’m going to do that, we’d better get going," I replied. She jumped up and pulled me to my feet.

"Let’s go then Missy," she said. I was both elated and dismayed. I loved dressing up but, I thought perhaps John would find his way back into this universe. For the moment it seemed that was not to be. We made our way back home in just a few minutes. I had no idea what time it was, but was hopeful that I could make dinner and make myself ready for Sam by 7:30.

I walked in the front door with a certain bounce to my step. "Mom, I’m home!" I shouted.

"I’m in the kitchen Joan," she shouted in return.

"Something smells fantastic!" I exclaimed. She smiled at me.

"I figured with all that you do around here you deserve the weekends off." Hm? Had she forgotten that I’d made her breakfast? I laughed to myself and asked her when dinner would be ready. "What’s the rush, have you got a date?" she asked me in a kidding manner.

"As a matter of fact Mom, I’ve got to be at Sam’s by 7:30!"

"Well then, you’d better go and get cleaned up. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes. I made my way upstairs and washed my hands and face. The twins, Jola and Teddy seemed to be getting on famously. I toyed with the idea, just for a moment, of putting them in some suggestive poses. I giggled at the thought and made my way to the dinner table.

Mom’s pot roast was not to be believed. The meat was so tender it could be eaten by someone without teeth! "This is the absolute best Mom!. You’ll have to show me how you make it."

"Don’t worry sweetheart, I will, I promise." Her comment seemed to have a double meaning but aside from the obvious one, I wasn’t sure what it could have been. As we ate Mom asked me about my day. She seemed incredibly happy that Sam and I had made up.

"She’s the girl for you," Mom said without explanation. As I considered her statement I found my thoughts drifting back to Darla. Was I fickle? Did everyone suffer such difficulties in their lives? OK, I knew that last statement made me sound like a spoiled brat. Even considering how difficult my life had become, I really couldn’t complain. All of my needs were met and cared for.

At last I said absentmindedly, "I hope so Mom. I think I’m in love with her." She gave me a knowing adult kind of smile. The one that says you have no idea about anything. I didn’t let on that I’d read her look and I began clearing the table. It was ten minutes to seven. I knew I’d need half an hour at least to transform myself into Joan. I began running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off. At seven on the dot with most of the work completed, Mom told me to just go. I was making her nervous, she said. I laughed and made my way upstairs.

I laid my clothes out on my bed and went into the bathroom to do my makeup. I found myself wishing that I had a makeup table of my own. I knew I could build one and considered the possibility as I slowly yielded my face to Joan. Fifteen minutes later she smiled back at me. My eyes, instead of looking as though they belonged to a rabid animal, suggested sexuality. My ruby red lips smacked of sensuality. I was almost turning myself on as I continued to make minor adjustments to my face. Back in my room, I donned my navy blue pantyhose. They matched my pleated skirt perfectly. I smiled as I attached my bra with practiced ease. I was saddened at the need to fill the cups with silicone. It was closing in on 7:30 when I finished. A few sprays of "cool water" and I was on my way.

I made my way gently down the stairs with my maryjanes softly clicking on the stair treads. "Joan! You look beautiful," Mom said. "I hope Sam appreciates all the work you’ve gone through to make yourself pretty for her." I wasn’t worried about that in the least. I was confident in my appearance.

"Do you have a watch I could borrow Mom? Mine just seems inappropriate." She ran upstairs and returned with a simple gold watch. The narrow wrist band oozed femininity. Hoping to be able to stay out till 9:30, I told Mom that I’d be home by 10:00.

"You’d better be," was her reply. I slipped my bag over my shoulder and kissed my mother goodbye.

Moments later I was knocking on the front door of the Peters’ residence. Aunt Alice answered the door. "Yes?" she inquired.

"Is Sam home?" I asked.

"Who may I tell her is calling?" I couldn’t believe it! She didn’t recognize me!

"Tell her it’s her lifelong friend Joan Johnson," I replied. She stood there staring at me for the longest time. She ran to me and hugged me tightly in her arms.

"I always knew it," she said mysteriously. Adults, I thought to myself. What strange creatures are these. "Sam, your friend Joan is here," Aunt Alice yelled up the stairs. Moments later a sound that replicated runaway elephants echoed down the stairwell.

"Joan!. I can’t believe it! You’re absolutely gorgeous!" I ran up to her and hugged her before she could continue. She stood there staring at me for the longest time. I began to feel self-conscious.

"So, are we just going to stand here, or did you have something in mind?" I asked her.

"Just give me one minute," she said and bounded back up the stairs. Moments later she returned with her hair set in a very low pony tail. I thought I understood the look she was going for. She was shooting for complete role reversal. I didn’t have the heart to tell her how absolutely beautiful she looked.

"I’ll be home by ten, Mom," she announced matter of factly as we headed out the door. It seemed that Aunt Alice was easier to get along with than Mrs. Johnson was, I laughed softly.

"What did you want to do?" I asked her.

"I want to spend the evening with my best girl," she replied. I smiled at that. It seemed Sam and I got along better with me in girl mode and her in boy mode.

"I am at your disposal kind Sir." Scarily, she took my statement seriously. How many insane people in my life could I juggle, I wondered? She proudly escorted me back to the boardwalk. I had to admit, I felt safe with Sam as my escort. It was similar but different to a feeling of parental security. I just knew that Sam would protect me from any situation that might befall us. This was entirely new territory for me. I had to admit, I liked it. I also knew in my heart that if push came to shove that I could take care of myself. In fact, I’d do anything to protect Sam herself.

She held my hand protectively as we made our way onto the boardwalk. It was very busy for a Sunday night. These kinds of crowds were usually a few weeks away. The summer season had arrived early. We walked for a bit and she dragged me over to a wheel of chance.

"Sam, what are you doing? I already have teddy! Save your money."

"If I want to win something for my best girl, then that’s what I’m going to do." Three losses later she began to look a bit dejected as she placed her fourth quarter down.

"Put it on number two," I suggested. She changed her number as the wheel began spinning. The attendant eyed us suspiciously. His suspicions were realized when number 2 came out the winner.

"You changed your bet from number 7 to 2," he started.

"You didn’t say anything when I did, so don’t cry now," Sam said assertively.

The huckster backed down and began his chatter of, "we have a winner!" Sam looked at me expectantly. I took that to mean that I had to choose. Could I actually pick yet another teddy bear? I began laughing maniacally as he handed me "Josam." It was my turn to utter thanks to my hero.

"Thank you Sam, I’ll give her the best of care," I promised.

Her smile told me that she knew that I would. I held that bear as if my life depended on it. I began worrying that I wouldn’t be able to tell them all apart. So far, with just Jola and Teddy, it was easy. Jola smelled of the sea. I decided that I’d have to mark Josam somehow so I’d always remember her special place in the order of things. I wish I could explain how special I felt that evening. I must have looked relatively attractive. I garnered more than a few glances from the males passing by. Sam kept them at bay with a simple stare. I found myself enthralled by her power. We walked down the boardwalk. She treated me as her queen. Before I knew it we were standing in line to ride the "wild mouse."

I truly loved roller coasters, but this thing scared the hell out of me. The cars traveled individually on the tracks and at each turn almost half the car went over the edge before turning. The added danger was the ocean. The ride was on the edge of the pier and if a car fell off, it would fall into the ocean resulting in certain death. It may seem like I’m exaggerating, but two years ago a couple had died on this very ride. Their car went into the turn and didn’t stop. I held Sam tightly as we went into the most dangerous turn. I could hear her laughing behind me as the car jolted in the proper direction. I hated this ride and would never willingly get on it again despite the euphoric dips and rises along the way. The ride over, we exited the car. Thankfully my panties were still dry.

"Ok, the next ride is my treat," I said. The rides were also meant for the tourists. The cost of individual rides was prohibitive. I bought the tickets and we made our way to the Ferris Wheel. It so closely resembled the one in shop class that I began to wonder if one was modeled on the other. This was an atypical Ferris Wheel. It wasn’t open seating. Numerous cages with a capacity of eight filled the wheel. It was huge! Since the traffic was still relatively slow this evening, Sam and I got to ride alone. She sat next to me. Every time we neared the top my heart was in my throat. OK, so perhaps I wasn’t as brave as I pretended. Still, I sat there in awe at Sam’s calmness as the wheel went round and round. I thought that our relationship was being redefined yet again.

The ride ended and Sam thanked me for my generosity with a kiss. I kissed him deeply with a hungering desire. Did I say "him?" Yeah, I guess I did. He smiled at me and I melted in his arms. "I love you Joan," he said. My heart swooned. I couldn’t imagine anything better than being Sam’s girl.

"I love you too Sam," I moaned softly. He looked at me as if seeing me for the first time and we made our way back to the main boardwalk. Sam had me standing in line with him waiting for an orange drink. "I’ll have a large orange crush, and the lady will have a small twist." A twist being a soft serve ice cream cone with chocolate and vanilla intertwined.

I was in a rapturous state. We just seemed perfect together. Was I simply kidding myself? God, I hoped not. I only knew that Sam made me feel special, in a way that no one else ever could. We sat down on one of the many benches that lined the boardwalk. The backs were adjustable. That is, you could flip them one way or the other choosing the ocean or the boardwalk as your focal point. Ours faced the crowd. I sat there in my pretty blue skirt and wondered just how all this had happened.

"I love your earrings," he said. "They should be covered in diamonds." That statement sent my mind running back to Darla’s party and the beautiful diamond studs that her parents had given her. "Why so sad?" Sam asked as I sat there in silence.

"I’m just so damned confused," I replied.

"Welcome to the club," Sam said at last.

That hadn’t been the real reason for my sadness, but it was true enough. I was surprised however, by Sam’s response. It seemed to me that "he" had it more together than most people did. At least he lived his life with a confidence that I totally lacked within myself.

"I love what you’ve done with your lawn," Sam said changing the subject.

"I didn’t think you’d noticed," I replied coyly. He laughed at that.

"Well I don’t ever remember seeing a diamond pattern on your front lawn before." The diamond pattern resulting from the cross diagonal cutting. I had to admit, it did look better than it had. As much as I just wanted to let go and allow myself to completely fall in love with Sam, I found myself thinking of Darla. Was there any way out of this maze?

I stood with a purpose. "Come on Sam, we’re going," I told him. I resolved never to refer to Sam in the feminine form again. Hell, he was far more masculine than John had ever been. I wasn’t sure whether or not that was a good thing as my thoughts drifted elsewhere.

"Stop pulling me Joan!" he shouted at me. Billy and Duncan seemed to appear out of nowhere. This was turning into my worst nightmare.

"Hey Sam! Who’s your new girlfriend?" Billy asked Sam in a taunting tone. I stood my ground frozen in place. My whole life could have ended right then and there. In fact, I found myself wishing that it would.

"She’s far too pretty for you Billy. Get lost! Oh, and I’ll see you in school tomorrow," Sam laughingly said as he dragged me away. My knees almost buckled under me. It was all I could do to focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

When we were at a safe distance Sam turned to me and asked, "Are you all right Joan?" Just moments ago I was lost in the fantasy of me being Sam’s girl and Sam being my protector and hero. Thankfully, the latter part of my fantasy held true. As for the former, well that was another story.

"I’ll be all right. I need to go to the rest room." Sam gallantly led the way.

"Don’t be too long," Sam said before entering the men’s room. I went into the ladies’ and entered a stall. I carefully lifted my skirt up and sat down on the seat. My whole body began shaking uncontrollably. What the hell was wrong with me? I decided that I was in serious need of counseling. This confusion wasn’t going to go away on its own. Simply having a plan made it easier for me to calm down. I took care of business and made my way to the row of sinks.

It seemed the ladies’ rooms were nicer everywhere. The walls weren’t lined with rude limericks, lewd suggestions and girls’ phone numbers. It was a safe haven unlike the men’s room which could best be described as a war zone. I washed my hands and examined my face. I put on a fresh coat of lipstick and smiled at myself in the mirror before departing. Whoever I was, I felt like "me" again. I didn’t think I’d ever want to let go of Joan.

"I thought you got lost in there," Sam said as I made my exit.

"Did you use the urinal?" I asked and began laughing out loud. Sam laughed with me and punched me on the arm. "Ow, that hurt!" I said truthfully.

"I’m sorry Joan," Sam offered in an apologetic tone.

I rubbed my arm expecting to see a black and blue mark there come tomorrow. How could I convince Mom that I needed help? I was certain that she’d be more concerned about losing her "daughter" than anything else. And Dad? What Dad, I thought angrily. Even if he was around I could never confess my need to him. Then again, if he’d been around, "Joan" for the most part wouldn’t even be an issue.

"Whatever’s bothering you Joan, it’s going to be all right," Sam said confidently.

I looked up at him and muttered a cynical, "yeah, right!" He looked at me as though I’d mortally wounded him. "I’m sorry Sam, it’s nothing," I said hoping he’d let the matter drop.

"You’re worried about your father, aren’t you?" He asked knowingly.

"What do you mean?" I asked him in my best attempt at information gathering.

"Well, I heard Mom and Aunt Joan talking," he began "I think it’s horrible the way your father left you." Though he’d lost his own father, he couldn’t have any idea how I felt. He saw the look of disbelief on my face and beckoned me to come sit with him.

"What’s this all about," I asked at last. His voice choked up as he began to explain.

"You think I don’t understand cause my Dad died and yours left of his own volition," he started. I nodded in agreement. "No one is supposed to know this," he began. I looked at him and waited. "The guy I thought was my father wasn’t. He’s not dead, he just abandoned us when he found out the truth." I stared at him disbelieving.

"That’s impossible Sam," I said at last.

"No, it isn’t," he insisted. "About a year after Daddy "died" I got a phone call. It was for my mother, but she’d just run out to the store for a minute. The voice on the other end of the line sounded so familiar I found myself screaming, is that you Daddy? The party on the other end of the line hung up. He didn’t call back." I looked at him skeptically.

"Sam, that doesn’t prove anything." Before I could say anything else, he interrupted.

"Almost another year had passed before I found out the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth," he said sarcastically. I looked at him as though he was out of his mind. "You see, I’d run out of underwear and went to borrow a pair from my mother. There underneath her delicates lay the divorce papers. At first I had no clue as to what they might be about. Then, I began reading. The whole sordid story was laid out in black and white. The grounds for divorce were listed as "infidelity." It seemed my mere existence was proof of that fact. Dad for reasons unknown to me, had gone for DNA testing. The results in, he filed for divorce."

"But the funeral?" I began.

"What funeral Joan? Oh, you mean the weekend when Mom and I went away to visit my Aunt Bridget?" We both sat there crying. Sam for the loss of his father and myself wondering whether similar circumstances had sent my own Dad away.

"Oh Sam, I’m so sorry!" I pulled him closer to me. He continued weeping furiously. I gently rubbed his back and shushed him with my best maternal instincts. "It’s all right baby," I whispered soothingly.

Sufficiently calm Sam said, "So you see Joan, I understand exactly what you’re going through." This was almost more information than I could bear. We sat there for the longest time.

Finally, I stole a glance at my Mom’s beautiful watch. "Oh my god, Sam! It’s ten thirty!" He looked at me as if to say "so what?" "Sam, I have to get home." I would have sat there all night long holding him if I thought it would help. But I knew that Mom would be worried sick and in her current delicate state, I just had to go. Sam stood up and pulled me to my feet. The look on his face made me wonder whether he’d fabricated the entire story. At length I figured that he was just better at hiding his emotions. "Boys," I thought somewhat ruefully.

We made our way back home. Sam locked his arms around me as we stood in front of my humble abode. "Sam, I really have to get inside!" I insisted. The firm grasp of his hands on the back of my head as he kissed me made me forget my worries.

"I’ll expect you at my front door at 7:30 sharp," he said. I smiled at him and promised that I’d be there with bells on. He waited till I was safely inside before leaving. It seemed each new day brought with it a whole new set of emotions. I was in love. No doubts, no hesitation, just blissfully in love. I made my way into the foyer expecting the worst.

"Did you have fun with Sam, dear?" Mom asked me as I entered. Did I just hear her right, I wondered? A surge of relief washed over me as I told her I’d had a wonderful time. "Come here for a minute Joan. I didn’t really get a good look at you before you left. You make a mother proud." I knew that Mom had taken a trip at least part way around the bend, but her accolades soothed my soul.

"Thanks, and if I may say so, you’re the best Mommy a girl could ever hope for," I told her sincerely. I felt what was left of my own sanity slipping away. At the moment, I didn’t care. I loved this woman who’d done her best for me with all my heart. I bade her goodnight and made my way upstairs.

Staring at my image in the bathroom mirror, I was unsure as to what I’d become. Was I John, or was I Joan? I wondered whether I’d ever be sure. I couldn’t tear my gaze away. No, it wasn’t because I was in love with my own image. I simply stood there, not knowing what to expect next. In my own mind John and Joan flashed back and forth so rapidly that I couldn’t make any sense of it at all. I must be going mad, I thought at last. At length I finished and made my way back into my room. I was now the proud owner of triplets. Teddy and Jola sat together happily atop my pillow. I attempted to introduce them to their new sister, Josam, but my introduction fell on deaf ears. "I am losing my mind," I said aloud. I lay atop my bedspread. I was aching for the return of my own sanity.

My thoughts ran the gamut of emotions. I loved Sam, I loved Darla. I hated Sam, I hated Darla. My feelings went round and round and I found myself missing Sally. Sally! How did she get here, I wondered? Was my father really my father? My mind kept spinning. Before I could be swept away by my own insane thoughts, one drew me in and centered me. "I love you Sam," I whispered to no one. I held the triplets close. It wasn’t long before I fell asleep in their embrace. I could almost swear that Josam had hugged me back. That was the last thought I had as sleep overcame me.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 18

A Matter of Trust

Monday morning! The last one of the school year. I jumped out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I stared at my reflection in the mirror over the sink. My raccoon eyes were beginning to fade. I took a long shower and considered the day ahead. What was I going to do about Darla? Part of me hoped that she’d made up with Sarah and that any further thoughts of her would be moot. Another part missed her soft, gentle, and delicate soul. I couldn’t ever remember feeling so indecisive before. Could I sit at the same lunch table with Sarah and Darla? Was I really as Sally had suggested, just an "experiment" for her? The cacophony of conflicting thoughts and emotions echoed inside my brain. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through the day.

I got dressed and made my way downstairs. Shandy eyed me pleadingly. I let her out and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet. The thought of eating anything, left me feeling nauseous. Still, I knew that I must. I decided that a bowl of cheerios would rest easy in my stomach. I sat there eating slowly as I continued to contemplate the upcoming events. Breakfast finished, I made my lunch. As I began assembling my sandwich, I wondered just where I was going to eat it. I hoped I’d be able to hide my sadness from Sam. I couldn’t bear another falling out with him. I smiled remembering that I now thought of Sam as male. Did that make me gay? Somehow, I didn’t think that it did by any stretch of twisted logic.

I let the dog in, made sure that she had fresh water and food and went to make sure that Mom was awake before leaving. Tasks completed, I headed out the door. I arrived at Sam’s on the stroke of 7:30 according to my Timex. Sam appeared within seconds. His demeanor told me that he was in a great mood. I put on my happiest face hoping that he wouldn’t see the sorrow lurking just beneath the surface. "Good morning Joan! It’s a beautiful summer’s day, isn’t it?" he asked rhetorically. I felt no need to remind him that the official start of summer wouldn’t arrive for a few more days. I no longer cared that he referred to me as Joan. He smiled at me, took my hand in his own and we made our way to school.

"So, are you ready for the test?" he asked me laughing.

"Test! What test?" I replied feeling a sudden surge of panic. He laughed again only louder.

"I meant are you ready to get your science test back," he clarified. "How do you think you did?" Was I ever going to be able to admit that I was pretty sure I’d "aced" the test? Would I always have to stroke his ego by letting him think that he was better than me at everything? Wasn’t it enough that he was stronger, faster, and far more coordinated than I could ever hope to be? "Well, come on, tell me! How did you do?" he asked relentlessly.

Everything taken into consideration, I simply replied, "I passed, and you?" I asked him knowing that he wouldn’t have brought it up if he hadn’t thought that he’d aced the exam as well.

He smiled at me and told me he was pretty sure he’d earned a perfect score. I hoped that he had, for his sake. "What else is new?" I asked him. He laughed and punched my arm playfully. The same arm that he had bruised the night before. "Ow, that hurts!" I said without thinking.

"I’m sorry Joan. I didn’t realize you were so delicate." I laughed at that and showed him the bruise that he’d left on my upper arm the night before. He stared at it in total amazement. "Did I do that?" he asked not believing it.

"Yes Sam, you did that last night."

"Oh, I am really sorry Joan," he said and this time he meant it.

"It’s all right Sam, but please no more hitting for awhile?" I said and laughed. My laughter allayed his concerns. I knew that it would.

We arrived at school and I found myself searching the crowd for Darla. I finally spied her off to the side with Sarah. I guessed they’d made up after all, I thought despondently. I kept my game face on, determined that Sam wouldn’t see the turmoil going on inside of me. The entrance bell sounded and we made our way inside. "Thanks for walking with me this morning Sam," I said to him.

"Anytime Joan," he assured me. I thought cynically for a second that what he really meant was anytime he wasn’t totally pissed off at me. Classes officially over, I stuffed my book bag into my locker. This would be a week of baby sitting for the faculty. I figured I’d better bring something to read tomorrow or it was going to be a very long week.

The only time I really felt alive was in shop class. I had a deadline to meet and I worked purposefully on my new project. I could tell that this was going to be an excellent piece. I never realized before what a difference the choice of wood would make. The basic box was assembled and I spent the morning covering the screw heads with the tiny bits of oak doweling. I’d use the belt sander tomorrow to get the surfaces totally smooth. I was proud of my ability to create something out of nothing. I’d spend the week concentrating on the construction and would add the final touches at home. The felt lined drawers, and the hand rubbed finish were all things that didn’t require the use of the school’s equipment.

Finally, it was time for lunch. I’d been dreading this moment more than any other. What was I going to do now? I wouldn’t have sat in Duncan’s seat if it had been available. I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting down across from Darla either. I took my time retrieving my lunch from my locker. Most of the other students were already in the cafeteria. I could hear their buzz as I approached the doors. There was no way in hell that I was going in there on this day. I exited the building as nonchalantly as possible. I made my way to the back door of the building as if I had every right to do so. I sat down at the site of my tears, spent not so long ago. Although Sam and I had reconciled, I never felt more alone in my life. The sadness that had been gnawing at my soul all morning swept me away. I found myself sitting there crying softly once again.

"Would you like some company?" a voice said from behind. I turned around and saw Darla looking down on me in my sorry state. I wanted to lie to her and tell her that no I wouldn’t and would she please just go away.

Realizing that I couldn’t do that, yet finding myself unable to offer a direct invitation, I said, "Suit yourself." I’d never seen her looking so despondent. There were a million things I wanted to say to her but I found myself just holding my breath. She sat there next to me in quiet mode also. She grabbed my left hand and rubbed it between her own. I offered her no resistance, but I yielded no encouragement either. We just sat there feeling the warmth of the sun as it gently caressed us. Finally, without having spoken a word to one another, the bell rang signifying the end of the lunch hour. We made our way up the steps and I held the door open for her as she went inside.

My stomach rumbled a bit as I realized that I’d not touched my lunch. It could wait till the end of the day, I decided at last. Nothing had been resolved with Darla, but I felt in some way that it had. I actually caught myself smiling a few times as the day began to wind down. I took my seat in science class anticipating the return of my exam.

"The results of the exam were worse than I expected," Mr. Benson informed us. If I simply record the results there will be quite a number of you in summer school. When I call your name please come up to my desk and retrieve your papers. There is to be no talking! You will return to your seat and place your test face down on your desk." If I’d heard that speech once, I’d heard it a thousand times.

With all of the tests returned Mr. Benson said, "Ok, now here’s the deal. You can get half credit by correcting your mistakes. Sadly this won’t help all of you. But wait! It’s not as easy as that. No mere guesses will be accepted. You must cite the proper answer on your paper next to the proper choice," he finished. "That is, you will put the page number and the paragraph number next to your answer. If I see that you’ve just put down anything, your current grade will stand." For purposes of clarification he then put an example on the board. "You have until the end of the hour to complete your task. You may begin." I had to admit, old Benson had added a new twist to a speech I’d heard countless times before. All of the other teachers I’d had simply accepted the student’s next best guess. I thought his little addition was a touch of genius. I’d yet to glance at my own score. I turned it over slowly. There was a simple note on top. "Congratulations Mr. Johnson, yours is the only perfect paper in all of my classes." I sat there dumbfounded. I knew in my heart that I owed Darla a deep debt of gratitude. I’d have never accomplished this without her help.

I saw out of the corner of my eye that Darla, upon viewing her own exam, began furiously opening her text. A look of sheer terror covered her face. Surely she couldn’t have done that bad? I sat there wondering whether I should pretend to work on my own perfect paper. I wasn’t a show-off and didn’t want to make the other students feel bad about their own performance. Looking about the room however, I noticed that several other students sat there silently just waiting for the bell to ring. I guessed that they felt no need to achieve perfection. To pass the time, I began reading the test over again. It was a good way to imprint on my brain the lessons that I’d learned. Besides, it helped the time pass more quickly. The period ended and Mr. Benson told any and all interested students to place their tests on his desk.

"I’ll have your final grades for you tomorrow," he announced as we made our way to the exit.

So, mine had been the "only" perfect paper. I guess that meant I’d beaten Sam once again. I smiled with a wry grin glued to my face. I found myself worried about Darla though. Forgetting everything that had transpired earlier, I walked over to her locker and stood behind her. "Darla, are you ok?" I asked with genuine concern. She looked as though she were about to cry.

"I only got an 86% on that stupid exam," she said as the tears began to flow. Thankfully, she hadn’t asked me how I’d done. If she had I’d have given her my standard reply: I passed. And, hell, if scoring 100% on an exam wasn’t passing, what was? I almost laughed feeling a bit giddy, but then I remembered Darla.

"So," I consoled her "that means you only had to correct four of the seven questions you got wrong to get an A," I told her performing the math quickly in my head. "I’m sure you got it done," I said in an attempt to soothe her. The look on her face told me that simply getting an "A" wasn’t good enough.

"Oh Darla, I’m so sorry. Perhaps studying with me hadn’t been such a good idea after all?" I offered. I figured it might ease her mind having me to blame for her performance.

"It’s not your fault, John. The fact of the matter is that I simply hate science in any shape or form." Her words lifted me up. Although I was ready to accept the blame, I’d have felt bad if she’d agreed with me. I wanted to thank her for her help but, I was sure that it’d only make her feel worse.

"Can I walk you home?" I asked. I found myself terrified that she’d accept and that Sam would see us leaving together.

"Are you sure that you want to?" she questioned me.

"Yes Darla, I’m sure." She took my hand and we made our way outside. It had been more than a few minutes since the final bell and I was never more grateful that Sam wasn’t outside waiting for me.

"John?" she said hesitantly. "I’m sorry." Her apology sent my soul into the depths of despair.

"I know," I said to her not really knowing anything at all. I felt guilty just being with her. Perhaps Sam had been right and everything that had gone wrong had been all my fault. I knew that wasn’t the case, but I wasn’t going to examine it all too closely at the moment.

"You made up with Sam, didn’t you?" she asked. I wanted to say to her: what did you expect?

Carefully considering the situation I said, "and you and Sarah?" She sighed audibly as we continued walking.

"I’m so sorry John," she said again at length. I wished more than anything that she’d stop extending her sympathy to me. Her apologies were killing me.

"I take it that’s a yes then?" I asked her. She looked at me as if she had no idea what I was talking about. "I mean about you and Sarah reconciling," I said in an attempt at clarification. "We shared a sunrise together. You proclaimed your love for me. Moments later your arms were wrapped around Sarah in a passionate embrace. I guess nothing makes sense to me anymore," I offered sincerely.

"How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry John?"

"Please don’t ever utter those words to me again," I begged. "Every time you do it’s like you’ve picked a healing scab and decided it would be best to add some salt to the wound." The weird thing is, her apologies were far more painful to me than the actual offense. She looked at me as if she still didn’t understand. My next heartfelt words were genuinely meant to console her not cause her any further pain.

"I’m sorry Darla," I said. The light bulb over her head glowed far too brightly. It soon burned out as comprehension took hold.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.

I’d offered my own apology sincerely and really didn’t mean to cause her any pain. She dropped her bag to the ground and grabbed hold of me. She sobbed incessantly on my shoulder. "Darla, it’s all right," I said at last. Her tears continued. I rubbed her back and whispered softly in her ear. "Darla, you will always be my friend." She began to calm down as my words sank in.

"And you were the one that was worried about hurting me," she said and began crying anew. I squeezed her tighter wishing that I had the words to set her free. I was done feeling sorry for myself. My only concern was helping Darla to come to grips with her own sense of well being. I knew in my heart that under different circumstances, she and I could have made each other very happy.

I resolved to stand there holding her for all eternity if that’s what was required. She began to soften in my embrace. "Oh Joan," she whispered, "I’ll always love you." I could tell that those few words signified a turning point for her. Sensing the finality of it all, a wave of sadness overcame me. I found myself drowning in my own tears. Darla was aware of her own words’ effect and did her best to comfort me. I began wailing hysterically. Could I handle this loss? Her presence made me miss her even more. I found myself longing for what might have been. We were just kids after all, I reminded myself. If that was indeed the case, then what would the future bring? I couldn’t ever imagine feeling sadder than I did at this moment.

Why did her rejection make me want her all the more? I guess it was a case of, "you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone." Still, it was obvious that I’d never really had her. Sally’s assessment of the situation seemed correct after all. I found myself wondering whether my own actions had caused her to choose as she did. Could Darla and I simply remain "friends?" My confusion wouldn’t leave me. What I felt for her was something more than friendship and something less than love. In the brief time that I’d known her she’d become a part of my life: a very important part. We stood there hugging and crying for the longest time. The pain of the current situation and the sadness for what would never be filled our thoughts. "I guess we’d better get going," I said to her at last.

"Do you think we could be friends John?" she asked me. I wasn’t sure I could be friends with anyone who was a friend of Sarah’s. Then again, I’m sure she felt the same way about me and Sam.

We walked on in silence. I began considering becoming a member of the Mormon church. Weren’t they the ones with multiple spouses? I began laughing at my own crazy thoughts. Darla asked me what was so funny. I told her and she laughed too. "What makes you think I’d have you for my wife?" she asked facetiously. I began thinking that I was growing up far too quickly. A few short weeks ago I was a kid who’s biggest concerns were baseball box scores and getting to the next level of the latest video game craze. And here I was now, involved in complicated relationships and wearing skirts. Truth be told, I didn’t think that baseball and video games could compare. As tough as it was, I loved my "new" life.

We arrived at her front door finally. She hugged me close and began her swishy kissing routine. "Darla, is your mother home?" I asked her.

"More than likely," she replied.

"Would it be all right if I came in for a minute?" I asked.

"Of course silly," she said removing her key from her purse and opening the front door. Her composure completely restored, she shouted out the words said by millions daily.

"Mom, I’m home!"

"I’m in the kitchen darling," her mother shouted back in return. We walked into the Raspberry kitchen.

"Someone wants to talk to you," she said, and indicated me.

"Aunt Viv," I began "I wanted to thank you for the wonderful time I had over here last weekend. It was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I will treasure the memories always." Her mother seemed near tears listening to my heart felt sentiments so eloquently expressed.

Though I was dressed in my normal attire, she replied, "You’re more than welcome Joan, it was a pleasure having you."

"Mom, Joan and I are going to go up to my room for a few minutes," Darla informed her and we headed for the stairs. Her mother simply smiled at us as we headed for our destination. I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to handle being in her room again after what I’d witnessed on Saturday.

"What’s this all about Darla?"

"Just come with me Joan," she said as we continued down the hall. We walked into her room. If anything, it was more magnificent than I’d remembered. It’s funny, I’d been in here a number of times but it was like I was seeing it for the first time. "How did you do on the science test?" she asked me. "I noticed as I began working that you simply sat there calmly reading over your test." I stood there unsure how to respond. Could she handle the fact that I’d earned a perfect score? My face turned several shades of red each one darker than the last. "I’m waiting," she said in a tone that required an answer.

I eyed her carefully before responding. "I got 100% on the exam," I told her at last. Her face went through several stages of expression. The first was disbelief, then anger, acceptance, and finally joy. "Oh Joan! That’s wonderful!" she said finally.

I wasn’t sure whether she really meant it at first. Then she came over and hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I’m so proud of you." My own mother couldn’t have said it better, I reasoned. "And you were more worried about that exam than I was," she laughed.

"I just got lucky, I guess."

"Nonsense Joan," she said.

"Darla, I really couldn’t have done it without you. I’m not just saying that. I couldn’t have." She accepted my gift with a few tears and a grateful smile.

"Thank you," she said and hugged me again.

"So, why are we here?" I had to ask finally.

"You left a few things of yours here on Saturday." With that she disappeared into her closet for a few moments. She returned carrying a small gift bag. She held it out to me. I knew if I refused her offering it would break her heart.

I took the bag from her and felt no need to look inside. I already knew what was in there: the bra and panties. "Thanks Darla," I said simply.

"I hope you’ll think of me when you wear them," she said sadly. Such a small delicate bag felt leaden in my grasp. . I began to cry yet again as I unzipped my backpack to store the tiny bag inside. I began to worry that channels were being formed in my cheeks from all the tears that had made their way down my face of late. I laughed aloud at the absurdity of my thoughts. Darla took my laughter to mean that I was happy to have the delicates back. I wasn’t about to dissuade her from her theory.

A touch of pride surged through me as my eyes surveyed her room. Sitting atop her triple dresser was my humble gift to her. She caught me eyeing it and said, "Yes Joan, I really love your gift. Speaking of which, I was wondering if you’d do me a favor?" she asked sincerely. My own look told her that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her. "Would you come with me to get my ears pierced?" she asked as she opened the tiny drawer on the bottom left displaying her diamond earrings.

"Just name the time and place and I’m there," I told her. She smiled at my response.

"I’ll let you know tomorrow," she said. "Oh, and by the way, my mother really would like you to make one of these for her." I smiled at her and told her it would be my pleasure.

Her smile exuded sadness. She wrapped her arms around me and held me with impossible strength. I put one arm around her waist and the other around the back of her head. We began dancing to the music that wasn’t there. "I’ll always love you Joan," she said as we continued to sway to the melody that only we could hear.

"Oh Darla!" I exclaimed with a sigh. Could I really let this special person get away? Was I making the biggest mistake of my life by letting her go? Did I really have a choice in the matter? The song that only we could hear stopped at last. I had no further claim on her time. I wanted to scream in agony that this was all wrong. Darla, please don’t let me go. I knew if I didn’t regain control quickly that the men in the white coats would be coming for me.

The only way I could keep myself in tact was by kidding myself that tomorrow was indeed another day. This moment here and now wasn’t the apocalypse. I began to worry about and for myself. With the most tenuous grip on sanity possible I said, "It’s getting late Darla, I’d better get going." For a very brief moment I worried that I’d exposed far too much of my tortured soul. It seemed I was safe, if only for the moment.

"All right Joan. I guess we can’t stay here forever," she said at last. Would that we could, I thought before disengaging myself from her embrace. I grabbed my knapsack, and Darla insisted on holding my hand as we made our way down the stairs. "Girls do this all the time," she informed me.

We arrived back in the foyer and Aunt Viv was waiting for us. "You know Joan, I was really serious about wanting a jewelry box like the one you made for Darla." I smiled at her appreciatively.

"Aunt Viv, thanks for your confidence in my abilities. When I have all the materials priced out, we can discuss it further," I replied in my best business-like tone.

"Just make sure that you do!" she said while smiling at me. Then she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. "I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and Darla," she whispered. I was totally taken aback by her comment. She knew! Unable to piece it all together at that time, I bade farewell to the Raspberry family. Darla came over and hugged me and did her cheek kissing routine. I bade them farewell and made my way out the door.

It was almost 5:00 PM when I arrived home. Worried about Shandy, I made my way to the back door and let her in. Next, I checked the weekly menu stuck on the refrigerator with a pussy cat magnet. Mom would be home in just over an hour and was expecting meat loaf and baked potatoes. I knew there was no way in hell that that was going to happen as I considered alternatives with what was at hand. I hoped she’d be happy with burgers and home fries. I cleaned a few potatoes and diced them into small pieces before placing them in the microwave to precook. I then repeated the procedure, but this time with onions. There was no need to precook the onions however, and once diced I began frying them up in a skillet on the stove. The burgers themselves would take only minutes to cook. I began preparing a salad and remembered that as this was a week day, a gin and tonic would be in order for Mom upon arrival.

As I got wrapped up in dinner preparations, I began to think of Sam. There was no way this evening would end without me talking to him face to face. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about Darla. I reasoned that after dinner was finished and everything cleaned up and put away, I’d make my way to the Peters’ household. Mom walked through the door just as I was beginning to shape the burgers. She came into the kitchen and said, "I thought we were having meat loaf tonight?" I laughed confidently and explained how the afternoon had gotten away from me. She took her seat at the table and I brought her gin and tonic. Upon seeing the magic elixir she relaxed. Moments later she was sipping her drink and puffing away contentedly. I didn’t like her smoking, but if it helped calm her down, then so be it.

The smell of the home fries must have helped too. We hadn’t had them in a long, long time. I brought her salad with the bottle of bleu cheese dressing and sat down to eat my own made with the lo-cal italian. My stomach was more than full from the salad I’d just consumed. I began wondering if I’d made too much food. I delivered Mom’s plate with her burger and more than a fair amount of home fries. "I know this evening’s menu called for meat loaf, but this is just too fantastic a dinner for me to offer any further complaints. Of course you know, you’ll have to have peanut butter for lunch tomorrow?" I sighed. "Well, I figured you could have made yourself a sandwich from the leftovers." I really didn’t care about tomorrow’s lunch as we sat there eating our meal. My own caloric intake had dropped by at least half since I’d discovered Joan living inside of me.

I put a tad more ketchup on my plate and continued playing with the bits of burger and fries. "Mom?" I asked her pleadingly. "What happened to Dad? Is he ok? Why hasn’t he called me?" My list of questions was endless. Mom sat there lost deep in thought. I could tell that she hadn’t appreciated my questions.

"Joan," she said at last. "I expect your father will be contacting you sometime soon," she said and was done with the topic. I was both pleased and upset that she couldn’t offer me anything more concrete. I began to realize that whatever happened between me and Dad, our life as a family was over. I fought back the tears.

"Thanks Mom, for being honest with me," was all I managed to say. I so wanted to press further, but a far away look appeared on her face as her eyes glazed over.

In an attempt to bring her back I asked if she’d like some fresh fruit and ice cream for dessert. She smiled at me and said that would be nice. I cut the cantaloupe into quarters and filled the hollows with ice cream. I wasn’t usually big on desserts, but I found the dish comforting. This had indeed been the right thing to do.

"Are you ready to talk about the party yet?"

"Mom, my birthday is still a few weeks away," I informed her.

"Not your party, Joan, but Darla’s." For the briefest of moments I found myself thinking about having an all girls’ slumber party. I began laughing hysterically at the prospect. "You want to tell me what’s so funny?" Mom asked. I told her and her reply really scared me. "What’s so funny about that? Is that what you’d like to do?" she asked.

If Mom kept up this way it wouldn’t be long till I’d be begging my estranged father to take me to visit her on Sunday afternoons.

"Somehow Mom, I don’t think the other girls’ mothers would approve," I replied gently hoping that she would see the light.

"I suppose you’re right," she said her mouth half filled with ice cream. Mom was usually so prim and proper, it really seemed odd to have her respond to me with a mouth full of dessert.

"It’s all right Mom," I told her soothingly "Sam and I will figure out how best to celebrate our birthdays," I said at last. Mentioning Sam’s name in conjunction with my own seemed to calm her down. This obviously wasn’t the time to discuss what had transpired at Darla’s party. I doubted that the right time would ever present itself. That was fine with me. We sat there in silence and continued eating. Everything finished, I began clearing the table and cleaning up. I broke up the remnants of my burger into tiny bits and added them to Shandy’s bowl. "Come on in girl, time to eat!" I called her. She ran to the door excitedly. With her tail wagging furiously, she followed her nose to her waiting dinner.

It was closing in on eight o’clock when I told Mom that I was going over to Sam’s for a bit. "Just remember, it’s a school night," she said as I made my exit. I wasn’t going to risk simply trying to reach him on the phone. I found myself wishing that I’d at least put on some lipstick before heading over there. Ah well, all natural was good too I reasoned as I knocked on the door. Sam answered the door himself. He seemed glad to see me, yet he seemed a bit on edge as well.

"Sam!" I greeted him as though I’d not seen him for years. I went to give him a hug. With his strong arms he held me at bay. "Sam, what’s wrong?" I asked in a pleading tone.

"You walked her home, didn’t you?" he asked me. I considered his statement for some time before replying.

"Are you spying on me now Sam?" I asked with more than a bit of hurt in my voice. We stood there simply staring at one another. I was pretty sure the next move was his and I waited for him to reply. At length, he did.

"No Joan, I’m not, but someone obviously is." Sarah strikes again, I surmised. I figured I’d have to warn Darla about Sarah’s bizarre behavior. Would she believe me? Or would she simply think I was some insane paranoid who’d completely lost control. I was worried for my friend.

"Sam, if we don’t trust one another, we’re never going to get anywhere," I told him sincerely. "To answer the question which obviously doesn’t require an answer, yes Sam, I walked her home. Sam, I’m going to tell you this one time. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. Still, I won’t have my every move under scrutiny or question,." I said. I went on to explain just what had happened that afternoon with Darla.

I would never have told Sam about Darla’s test score. That would have been a betrayal of my friend. I also explained that under the circumstances I could understand why he was upset. "Sam, I trust you implicitly. If you don’t feel the same, then maybe I’d just better go." Tears began forming in his eyes. We still stood there at the opening to his foyer. I went to hug him again. This time he greeted me with open arms. "I love you Sam," I whispered gently. For some reason I wanted to call him "Samantha" just then, but in the end I managed to restrain myself.

"I love you too Joan," he said with certainty.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" I asked.

"The boardwalk?" he asked.

"I was thinking perhaps a walk to the park this evening," I replied. A change of scenery would be a good thing, I reasoned.

"Mom, Joan and I are going for a walk," he announced into the distance. He put his arm around me protectively and we made our way to Forbes Field. It seemed I wasn’t the only one considering an evening in the park. When we arrived, Billy, Jim, and Duncan were intently playing ball.

As I noticed Sam looking at them I said, "We don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to?"

"Nonsense," Sam replied. No one was going to make him uncomfortable in his own park. We made our way over to the swings. We started out on a quest to see just who could go higher. I was up to the challenge and before I knew it, my swing arced higher than the horizontal bar that held the set together. My seat began moving back in a herky-jerky fashion and I slowly let gravity take hold. "I won!" Sam proclaimed at last. I wasn’t sure whether or not he had beaten me, but it really made no difference whatsoever. As we began coasting to a slow stop he said, "say it!" I didn’t have to guess about the required response.

"You won Sam," I said. If it made him happy, it was a small price to pay.

We sat there swinging casually for a time talking about everything and anything. It felt fantastic to have Sam with me once again. Finally, I could hear a voice yelling in the distance. It was Billy’s. "Hey guys look! There’s Sam with her new girlfriend. No wait! It’s Joan!" Billy said and with that the three amigos began laughing uproariously.

"Come on Sam, Let’s go!" I begged.

"Do you trust me Joan?" he asked.

"You know I do," I replied.

"Then let’s just sit here and see what happens." It wasn’t long before the three idiots were in our midst. We did our best to ignore them. Finally Billy picked up dried clumps of dirt and began hurling them in my direction. The other two simply laughed at their leader’s antics.

"I owe you something Joan," Billy said at last. I sat there wondering just what the hell he was talking about. "Let’s play some dodge ball," he said threateningly. It all came back to me.

"It wasn’t bad enough that I beat you arm wrestling, eh Billy?" Sam asked. "Now you want your friends here to see Joan kick your ass too?" I wasn’t sure whether Sam was on my side or simply making fun of me. I found myself wishing that we’d simply walked away.

"I’ll risk it," he said at last. I got to my feet and did my best to prepare myself for the inevitable.

"You can’t let him run roughshod over you forever," Sam whispered in my ear.

I knew he was right, but I honestly saw nothing to fight about. To put it simply, I lacked motivation. That all changed as Billy’s fist came lunging for my jaw. Now, he had my attention. I quickly stepped out of the way, grabbed his approaching arm and threw him with all my might. He went flying into the ground with his head bouncing off of one of the idle swings.

"Hey Billy, no harm no foul. Are you all right old friend?" I said in an attempt to placate him. He got up, dusted himself off and came at me again. It seemed he wasn’t about to be beaten by the likes of me. I hated doing it, but I easily dodged his second attempt at punching me. I slid easily to my left and caught him full on the right cheek. My blow sent him crumpling to the ground, clearly defeated. Duncan and Jim looked as though they might jump in. A warning glance from Sam kept them standing where they were.

"Come on Billy," I begged. "Let’s just call it a day" I said and went to help him up. He pushed my hand away. I wasn’t sure if he was more disgusted with me or with himself. I really didn’t care one way or the other.

"Just take your girlfriend and get out of here!" Billy shouted. Sam laughed.

"Billy, I don’t think you understand what just happened here? Joan kicked your ass and kicked it soundly," she couldn’t restrain her laughter. "I think it would be best if you little boys just went home to your mommies. And Billy, you’d better have her take a look at that cut on your cheek. It’s going to leave a nasty bruise." With that the three of them began a casual retreat. I really took no pleasure from what had just transpired. In the end however, a part of me was glad that it had. Most important of all was that Sam had proven his loyalty to me.

"What would you like to do now, champ?" he asked me. The absurdity of his comment sent me into a fit of laughter.

"Sam, you have to promise me something," I said earnestly. He looked at me inquisitively. "You have to promise me that you won’t tell what happened here to anyone," I said and meant it.

He gave me a look that suggested I was a visitor from another planet before saying, "If that’s the way you want it, Joan, consider it done." I thanked him for that and he held me in a firm embrace. "There is one phrase I’ll never stop repeating though," he said as pools of liquid began to form in his eyes. "I love you Joan!"

"Oh Sam! You’ve made me happier than I ever imagined possible." I reached up on tip toe and kissed the one that I loved. Things were beginning to make sense to me and I wasn’t so sure I’d be needing "counseling" after all. Hey, it was my delusion and that’s the way that I felt.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" I asked him. I’d have to stop leaving the house without a watch.

"I’m sorry Joan, but I don’t. I’d guess that we’d better get home though. It started getting dark awhile ago." Sam kissed me one last time and we made our way home. Once again he insisted on walking me to my door before heading back across the street. I was grateful in a way, in another way it just seemed weird.

"Mom, I’m home!" I announced upon entering. She was sitting in front of the television once again. Her glass was half full and the ash tray beside her was over flowing. I decided then and there that I’d have to find more time to spend with Mom. "Are you ok Mom?" I asked her.

"Of course sweetheart," she replied and sat there staring at me.

"Today’s only Monday, but I thought if it was all right with you I’d make that meat loaf tomorrow?" I asked her hoping that would pull her out of her funk.

"Whatever you think is best dear," she replied. This was really not a good sign. I sat there feeling both frustrated and angry. How could I help her? I’d be her loving "daughter" if that would bring her back to me.

Unable to control myself I began sobbing, "Oh Mommy! I’m so worried about you!" She felt my pain, held me close and shushed me. She began playing absentmindedly with my hair.

"You know Joan," she said at last "We really need to get you to the beauty parlor. Your hair is a mess!" I was so worried about her that I’d have agreed to anything at that point. Mothers weren’t supposed to slip away like this, were they?

"Just let me know when Mom and I’m there," I said at last. Remembering Darla’s request that I accompany her to get her ears pierced, I asked her if she could wait till Wednesday to make my appointment.

Everything I’d been through hadn’t been enough. Was there any way I could ever satisfy Mom’s desires? I began to feel a bit angry and resentful. No, I didn’t mind going to the beauty parlor. In fact, I was kind of looking forward to it. What bothered me was that no matter what I did, it would never be enough for her. I was feeling beyond sorry for myself. My mother, my rock, was quickly turning to sand. My mind raced over my options. Sadly, they were few and all of them were less than satisfying. In the end I decided that perhaps Aunt Melissa could help. She was a real aunt to me and not just someone granted an honorary title. I knew that she and Mom had been close before she moved to Australia. I’d have to ask Mom for Aunt Mel’s email address tomorrow. It would be far too expensive to simply pick up the phone and call her. Besides, I had no idea as to the time differences. I reasoned that they were either 12 hours ahead of or behind us. It turned out that I was close.

I took notice of the time. It was only 9:45. I told Mom that I was going to head off to bed. She simply smiled at me and told me, "I love you Joan," before I could escape her presence. I ran up to my room and figured I’d still have time to call Sam. My heart stopped as I rang his number. The phone rang three times while my heart hadn’t beat at all. At last, Sam answered. "What do you want now Joan?" he asked. I was somewhat taken aback for a moment before I remembered that the Peters’ household had caller ID.

"I was just wondering if we were going to walk to school together in the morning?" I said. He told me in no uncertain terms that I’d better be at his house by 7:30 on the dot. I smiled and felt reassured at his certainty as to the order of things. I assured him that I’d be there and he bade me goodnight. No slurping kisses into the phone, I thought sadly as Sam and I said our goodbyes.

Still, I took solace from his strength. I wished that I was as strong as Sam was. No, I’m not talking about physical strength. Just the ability to deal with things as they occurred. In that department, I found myself severely lacking. All in all, having heard his voice made me feel better. I hung up the phone and ran off in search of a magic marker. It was time to mark the teddy bears. I eyed them severely before I made my choice as to which one I’d disfigure in this way. Finally, I decided that Josam must remain unmarked. I put a brief dot on Teddy’s left foot so there’s be no chance of my forgetting who was who. It was just ten o’clock. I didn’t feel sleepy at all. I found myself in my desk chair cleaning my fingernails carefully. The thin pink coat was satisfying but didn’t make enough of a statement, I decided at last.

I cleaned my nails carefully and then applied a base coat to them. I then took the pink and did the same. The color was obvious but not obvious enough. I waited for my nails to dry and added the final coat of pink. My hands looked beyond pretty as I examined them carefully when I’d finished. I loved the way they looked and vowed that I’d keep them that way forever. I could feel the weight of the polish on each individual digit. Somehow, I just knew that this was me. I smiled into the night and got ready for bed. As far as my own life was concerned, things couldn’t have been better. I hugged Josam tightly as I drifted off to sleep. Teddy and Jola both seemed happy for me as well.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale.

Story:

Chapter 19

Second Chance

Tuesday morning arrived. I awoke still holding Josam tightly to my chest. She smiled at me as I gently released her. Turning over to the other side, I noticed that Teddy and Jola were still in bed with me as well. Their smiles equaled Josam’s. I gave each of them a special peck on the cheek and made my way out of bed. Off to the bathroom I ran to take care of necessities. I turned on the water to prepare my shower. I lifted my head high into the spray as I scrubbed my body clean. I felt much better by the time I’d finished. I toweled myself dry and left the door slightly ajar so the steam would escape. When equilibrium was reached, I made my way back to my room. I felt outrageous this day. I feared for my life, but decided I was going to wear my maryjanes to school today. And yes, they looked so much better atop a pair of knee highs that I granted myself no argument as I began getting dressed.

I was feeling pretty this Tuesday morning. My basic outfit in place, I returned to the bathroom mirror to apply my makeup. Was I really going to school dressed as I was? I decided at last to take no prisoners. If I added to the confusion of my fellow classmates, so be it. My hair was perfect as I sprayed it into place. A quick application of cool water and I was on my way downstairs. I knew if I thought about all that I was doing too carefully, that I’d never make it out the door. I simply acted. Breakfast eaten and lunch made (peanut butter, yuck!) I made my way back upstairs to make sure Mom was awake. Mom seemed beyond pleased with my appearance. Then again, I knew that Mom was in need of serious help. Like mother, like daughter, I laughed to myself.

I made my way out the door noticing the bright pink polish on my fingernails. I worried about others’ reactions but I smiled bravely about my overall appearance. I knocked on Sam’s door and awaited his appearance. It didn’t take long before he opened the door and stood there staring at me. "Oh Joan!" he said. "You look beautiful! Are you sure you want to go to school dressed as you are?" Hell, I wasn’t sure of anything at that point and his doubts added to my own.

"Let’s get going Sam," I said at last. He closed his own door and joined me.

"Are you sure you’re up for this?" he asked again.

"Sam, are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" I asked him totally determined to go through with it.

"No, sweetheart, not at all," he replied. Somehow, I doubted his conviction. I pushed all doubts aside and we made our way to school. I almost found myself wishing that I’d worn a skort this morning.

As we walked Sam held my hand protectively. Instead of reassuring me, his firm grip began to increase my doubts. Was I stepping too far over the line here? Was drawing this kind of attention to myself something that I wanted to do? Surely my appearance would get me sent to the school counselor’s office. My mother would be called. Knowing her current fragile state, they’d probably then try and contact my father. My pace slowed as reality sank in.

"Sam, on second thought, I don’t think I can do this," I said at last. He looked me up and down and told me that I looked really pretty this morning. "Sam, really, I’ve got to go back home and change" I said having lost all confidence and not ready to face the consequences.

"Joan, if you turn around now, you’re going to be very late."

"Late for what?" I asked. "We’re just going to attend another baby-sitting session."

It may sound bizarre, but neither Sam nor myself had ever been late to school before. He seemed determined to keep dragging me in the direction of school. "Sam, please!" I begged. He finally relented and we made our way back home. I knew that I’d one day make the trip to school dressed as I was, but I realized that timing was everything. Now, was not the time. We arrived back at my house and I asked Sam to come inside and wait for me.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because if my mother’s up, I don’t want her to see me." That was true enough, but I didn’t explain to Sam that Mom would be more upset with my changing than she’d be with my present appearance. "Your task is to keep her entertained until I can run upstairs and change," I said smiling at him.

He looked at me severely and simply muttered, "girls!"

I was beginning to feel better already. I ran in the door and up to my room like a bullet. I practically ricocheted off the walls as I bounded the stairs to my room. I unbuckled my maryjanes and removed the knee hi stockings. With socks and sneakers back on my feet, I made my way to the bathroom. I washed my face quickly, dried off with a towel, and made my way back downstairs. Sam was amazed at the speed with which I’d completed my transformation. It was becoming Joan that took time, I told him and started laughing. Fortunately, Mom had not made an appearance. She’d been in her own shower the entire time.

"Come on Sam! We don’t want to be too late!" I exclaimed as we headed back to school. I checked my watch. "We can still make it if we hurry," I told him. We had twelve minutes to cover a mile of ground. That was possible, right?

"Just shut up and walk Joan," he said gruffly. I couldn’t help but laugh at his tone.

"Thanks for coming with me Sam, you’re the best!" I told him. He smiled at me.

"I thought I told you to shut up and keep walking?" I laughed even harder this time and began doing my best impression of a "speed walker". Sam, determined not to be outdone by me, easily kept pace.

We arrived at school as the last bell was sounding. "I’ll see you later!" I shouted to him as I made my way to home room. Damn! My fingernails were still bright pink! Oh well, this wasn’t the first time I’d worn nail polish to school and I felt reasonably confident at my ability to pull it off without garnering the wrath of the administration. I ran in the door, obviously late, just as my name was called for attendance. Mrs. Pembroke looked at me severely as if considering whether or not to send me down to the front office to get a late slip. Thankfully, she just continued taking roll. I could have kissed her. I hoped that Sam hadn’t experienced any difficulties either.

In shop class that morning, I continued working on Mom’s jewelry box. I caught Mr. Ferris staring at my hands. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything. Some of the students not realizing that this was not a required project began taunting me for being way behind. I simply laughed in return. As I put my work away, I realized that I would indeed have time to finish the box before Friday’s class ended. I remembered my promise to Aunt Viv, and decided that I’d have to make it to the hardware store to price out the required materials. At last, the lunch bell peeled through the building. Should I go and sit outside again, or should I simply take my seat across from Darla. I began to wonder that if Sarah and Darla were so close, why they hadn’t sat next to each other or across from one another. It struck me as odd that Sarah sat diagonally across from her.

I made my way into the cafeteria and took my seat. Once again, Sarah looked at me with eyes that could kill. I smiled politely at her in return. "Where were you yesterday Joan, we missed you?" Sally said knowing full well what had happened. Was she taunting me, or simply trying to clear the air, I wondered? I ignored her question and simply asked her what else was new? "Well, I understand that you have a date with Darla this evening," she informed me. I had a what with whom, I wondered experiencing a brief panic attack. She started laughing and let me know that Darla had told her of my promise to accompany her to get her ears pierced. Why did she have to announce this in front of Sarah? Had I done something to piss her off?

With that, Darla broke in, "Joan, I’ll expect you at my house by 7:30."
Sarah seemed angrier than ever, if that was possible. Knowing that she’d tell Sam of my plans, I resolved to tell him as soon as possible. I flashed Sally a look that simply said "why?" with my eyes. She read it clearly and smiled back innocently in return. Maybe having friends was more trouble than it was worth, I thought at last.

"Darla, I’ll be there!"

"Are you sure you’ll have enough time to make your mommy’s dinner?" Sarah asked with sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Yes Sarah," I replied. "And, thanks for your concern." Sally began laughing gleefully at my retort. I initially took her laughter as support. The more I thought about it, I realized that it was probably something else entirely. She was trying to wind Sarah up.

The afternoon classes passed quickly. It seemed Darla had managed an "A" for the term in science, but she was less than happy with her performance. Teachers were loathe to fail students. It reflected badly on their abilities. I could almost hear an upset parent cry; "Mary didn’t fail your class. You failed her." Thus, failures were reserved for a very select few. The day over and no need to return to my locker, I quickly made my way to the front of the building. I had to get to Sam before Sarah did. "Sam!" I exclaimed as he casually exited the building. He smiled. I could never admit my ulterior motive but, I had to let Sam know before we arrived home.

"What are you doing this evening?" he asked. I began to fear that I was too late. Sarah had gotten to him already. "Well," he continued, "Billy and the idiots asked if I’d play some ball with them." He replied. I couldn’t believe that Sam would even consider consorting with them after what had happened. I walked with conflicting emotions. I was sure that Sam would take my news at least as badly as I had received his own. Finally, I realized that Sam and I couldn’t be everything to each other. I didn’t have to like his choice of friends.

"Sam, we’re not going to fight about this, are we?" I asked setting my trap carefully.

"Absolutely not Joan."

"Good!" I said and explained my promise to go with Darla that evening. He started laughing and informed me that Sarah had already told him all about it. I should have known.

"So, we’re ok then?" I asked.

"Joan, I thought very carefully about what you said to me. You were right. It’s all about trust. If we don’t trust each other, we’re never going to get anywhere," he said knowingly. I smiled and hugged him right in the middle of Ocean Boulevard.

"That’s right Sam, and, Thank You!" I hoped he was forever done with feelings of jealousy. As for myself, well I wasn’t jealous. I was just somewhat upset that Sam could still be friends with them after what had transpired.

Sam read my look and said, "You know Joan, if that fight had turned out differently, I’d have never talked to those three again. Your victory over Billy made it possible for us to remain friends. Thank you," he said at last.

I wasn’t sure that I followed his logic, but was just grateful that we wouldn’t be separated once again. "I’m really glad you didn’t remove the polish from your nails," Sam said smiling at me. It’s funny, when I was picking out nail polish I thought that the "blue thunder" would be the best choice. Hell, I liked everything about that polish, including the name. Still, as far as my nails going unnoticed, the pink was definitely the way to go. But for the quick questioning glance given me by Mr. Ferris, no one had said a thing. Even Sarah hadn’t commented. I guessed it was old news at this point. Considering everything, I resolved to make sure that my appointment at the beauty parlor didn’t take place till after the school year was over. I wouldn’t go till Friday afternoon at the earliest.

"Sam, what are you doing for dinner?" I asked him.

"I’m eating Joan. What are you doing?" he said and laughed again. I found myself laughing too.

"Why don’t you and your Mom come over for dinner? I’m making a meat loaf and baked potatoes."

"Well, that sounds good to me. I’m not so sure about Mom though." Damn, I figured that it would be easier for me to get out of the house if Mom had someone to talk to. Sure, I knew I could go anyway, but given her strange behavior of late, I just figured it would be easier.

"Just ask her, ok?" I said.

"Will do!" he replied enthusiastically before asking me what time I’d be serving dinner.

"Six o’clock sharp, and don’t be late!" I informed him as we arrived on our block. It really was the best thing I could have done, though initially I had other reasons.

This way Sam and I could validate each other as individuals. Sure, we loved each other but we didn’t have to spend every minute of the day in each other’s company. I gave him a huge hug and kiss and made my way home. I let the dog in. She seemed really happy and playful, so I chased her around the house for a bit. She’d let me get close, and then would scoot away at lightening speed. Then she’d stop, turn around, eyes begging me to continue my fruitless chase. In some ways, I realized, dogs were a lot like people. Having had enough, I made my way up to my room. I sat down on my bed and Shandy followed me. It seemed she hadn’t had enough. I gave her a thorough rubdown and she just lay on her back, paws in the air, panting contentedly.

"OK girl, I’ve got to get going here" I told her in a serious voice. She read my tone and reluctantly jumped down off the bed. It was early and I figured I’d have time to take a brief nap. Not wanting to sleep too long, I set my alarm for 3:45. I lay down atop the covers, fully clothed, and surrounded by teddy bears. Sleep came quickly. The alarm sounded seconds later, or so it seemed, and I awoke with a start. I began thinking about going to the mall with Darla. Should I go as John, or Joan? I reasoned that the girls at the Piercing Palace already knew me as Joan, so it would be best to remain in character. As I considered this, I began to wonder if I was doing it for another reason; for Darla.

Downstairs, I began preparing the meat loaf. I was determined to make the best damned meat loaf that had ever been made! It was a fun dish to prepare. Really hands on, or rather, hands "in." I thought about that for a second remembering that I’d eaten meat loaf in the school cafeteria before: never again, I thought and laughed to myself. Dinner cooking, I went back upstairs to select my outfit for the evening. I realized that I’d have to be "ready" before dinner as I’d never have time to get dressed after dinner had been served. I decided on the red skort and again began wondering about my motives. I knew Darla loved me in red. Still, she’d already seen my black skort, and it would have been too weird wearing the blue pleated skirt. Hell, she’d think I was copying her since she owned the exact same garment.

I carefully put on my panties and hose. I’d already decided to wear Darla’s gift to me. I pulled up my skort and put on my maryjanes. I laughed as I realized I wouldn’t be taking them off till evening’s end. I then put on my red v-necked top. The red of the top matched the skort perfectly. It was now 5:30 and I knew I’d have to get a move on or I’d never be done in time. Fifteen minutes later I was back in the kitchen checking on dinner. The meat loaf smelled tantalizing. I’d added a few ingredients of my own to spice it up a bit. I set the dining room table and awaited everyone’s arrival. Sam showed up a few minutes early without Aunt Alice. "Well, I told you I’d be here," he said and laughed. I didn’t bother asking him where his mother was.

"If you want something to drink, you know where to find it."

"Some hostess you are," he said as he made his way to the refrigerator.

"I’m sorry Sir, but your waitress isn’t on duty at the moment," I replied in mock seriousness. He was going to punch me in the arm. I caught him just in time. "Sam! No hitting!" I practically screamed.

"Whoops! Sorry Joan, I forgot."

"Make yourself useful and light the candles." Everything was perfect as Mom walked through the door.

"Joan, I’m home!" she announced as she walked into the kitchen.

"Have a seat Mom" I said as I brought her a gin and tonic. Sam seemed more distressed by Mom’s smoking than I’d been, but thankfully he didn’t say anything.

"What’s the special occasion Joan?" Mom asked. Thinking she was talking about the candle lit table, I told her it was just nice using the dining room once in awhile. She then told me she was referring to my appearance. I’d completely forgotten about how I’d been dressed. I smiled at her and told her I’d made plans for the evening. She looked at me sadly. "So, what are you two up to then?" she asked us.

"Well Mom, Sam’s going to play baseball with the guys, and I’m going to the mall with Darla."

"Oh!" she said, her mood brightening. "Mind if your tired old mother tags along?" She asked pathetically. How could I say no to her?

"Well Mom Aunt Vivian is taking us," I said as my voice trailed off.

"Perfect!" she replied. "I promised Viv that we’d get together soon. I didn’t think it would be this soon though," she laughed.. Feelings of terror began to take hold. Would Mom be seen as someone totally bonkers by Aunt Vivian? "Joan, what did you do to the meat loaf?" Mom asked as she continued wolfing it down.

"I just added a few things I thought would be appropriate," I told her. "I hope you’re writing down your recipes," she said. Honestly, I’d never considered doing that, but it made sense to me.

"I’ve got to hand it to you Joan," Sam added. "This is the best meat loaf I’ve ever tasted. And, I’m not really a fan of the stuff," he said.

What was I going to tell Darla about my mother wanting to come along?… Sam finished eating and told me I could cook for him anytime. I laughed and gave him a sarcastic thanks in reply. He started to make his exit. Hell, I figured he’d at least help me clean up, but it wasn’t to be. "I’ll call you later," he said as he made his way out the door. With a slam of the screen, he was gone. I began rapidly clearing the table.

While I was working, Mom was on the phone. I cringed as I heard her say "Hi Vivian, it’s me, CJ. Joan told me you are taking the girls to the mall this evening. I was wondering if you’d mind if I tagged along?" And here I thought my mother was no longer capable of embarrassing me. They chatted for a few more minutes. I tuned the conversation out.

Next thing Mom was in the kitchen helping me and telling me we had to hurry to get to the Raspberrys’. I hoped that Mom would remain sane enough to survive the evening. My stomach was on edge. Everything put away, we made our way to the front door. "Don’t forget your purse" Mom said as we made our exit. Going to Darla’s all girl slumber party dressed as a "girl" was one thing. Could I really handle going over there like this tonight? I decided that I wasn’t going to wimp out again as I’d done this morning. Mom told me that she was glad I’d set a good example for Darla. I looked at her as though she’d lost her mind. She went on to explain that she thought that all girls should have pierced ears. Had that been her motivation for me?

We arrived at Darla’s and I went to knock on the door. Darla answered and just stood there staring at me. I gave her a sheepish grin. Her own grin suggested that of a hungry wolf. Was I leading her on? "I guess John couldn’t make it this evening," she said and started to laugh. Was she now making fun of me? The hurt in my eyes must have showed. Her next words told me that she was more than happy that Joan had been able to attend. I sighed and thanked her. "Did you choose a red outfit to please me?" she asked.

"I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind," I replied with a wolfish grin of my own. "Besides, my clothing options are quite limited," I said and laughed aloud. "Is it ok if we go in my Mom’s car?" I said hoping that Aunt Viv had told her that my mother was accompanying us.

"Not a problem," she replied. And then she yelled out as if in warning to her mother "Mom, Joan and her mother are here and waiting."

Aunt Viv came into the room and said, "well, let’s not keep them waiting then. Oh Joan! You look lovely!" she said before asking me if I’d dyed my skort red and laughing. "Ok kids, let’s go!" We made our way to Mom’s car. Mom sat patiently behind the wheel blowing smoke out the window. She extinguished her cigarette just as everyone was getting into the car. "So are you girls all ready for a trip to the mall?" Aunt Viv asked. I’m pretty sure her comment was meant to set everyone at ease. It did. Mom laughed and we made the fifteen minute drive to the shopping center.

"I guess the first stop is the Piercing Palace?" Mom said and stole a glance in Darla’s direction. Darla simply sat there and smiled in anticipation.

"Are you sure it doesn’t hurt Joan?" Darla asked me nervously.

"Piece of cake," I assured her.

We parked the car nearest the Piercing Palace wing. Darla began to get excited as we made our way inside. Our mothers became lost in a conversation of their own. Perhaps it had been a good thing that Mom came along. As we walked into the store, the clerk recognized me. "Are you back for more holes in your ears hon?" she asked. I laughed as I informed her that I wasn’t, but my friend Darla was. "That’s great!" was her reply as she led us to the back of the store where the piercing chair sat open. Darla sat expectantly in the chair as the clerk left the scene for a moment. She quickly returned with the box of starter earrings.

"What are they for? Darla asked. "I have my own earrings," she said and produced her beautiful diamond studs.

The clerk, Janet, said, "those are extraordinary diamonds, but I’m afraid you can’t wear them this evening."

Darla seemed crushed as she asked her, "Why not?"

"I’m sorry dear, but those won’t fit in our piercing gun. It’s the only way we pierce ears here. If you’d rather go home and do it yourself with a sewing needle, well that would work." I began to feel sorry for my friend.

"It’s all right Darla, your ears will be healed soon enough," I said encouragingly. She looked as though she was about to cry. "Hey look! you can get the exact same earrings that I have!" I exclaimed. She brightened at that and looked at her Mom pleadingly.

"Can I Mom?" she asked.

Aunt Viv, who had been standing close by, simply said, "they’re your ears sweetheart."

I stood by and watched while Janet marked Darla’s ears with the felt tipped pen. As she readied the gun on the left side, I moved to the right and grabbed hold of Darla’s hand. She seemed grateful for the contact. The task completed, the clerk then moved to the other side before beginning the procedure all over again. Darla hadn’t issued a sound during the entire procedure. Although she was wearing plain gold balls, just as I was, Darla seemed extremely proud of her new look. "Maybe we should start a club?" I said jokingly. She actually seemed to consider it for a moment before attempting to punch my very sore arm. I quickly danced out of the way before she could make contact. Mom and Aunt Viv exchanged a motherly glance.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of the evening with our mothers in tow. "Mom, would it be all right if Darla and I walked around for awhile by ourselves?" I asked her. Aunt Viv looked at me as if this was the strangest request she’d ever heard. I didn’t want to tell her about Mom’s tenuous grip on reality if I didn’t have to.

"Of course it would be fine Joan," she said. "But, you don’t have your watch do you?" she asked me. Looking over to Darla, I noticed that she wasn’t wearing a time piece either. My look in Mom’s direction expressed utter dejection. "I guess my daughter is going to need a watch," she said as she began eyeing the display case. Meanwhile Aunt Viv stared at us curiously. She was taking it all in. Not wanting to prolong the experience, I gave Mom my approval of her selection. It was very similar to the watch that I’d borrowed from her, but it was gold, instead of silver.

"Thanks Mom!" I exclaimed. Mom took the watch and set it for the proper time. "Vivian and I will meet you two at the Coffee Shoppe at nine o’clock sharp. How’s that sound to you Vivian?" she asked her.

"Sounds like a plan CJ," she responded. I thought for a moment about the "CJ" thing and realized that Mom had used her initials to avoid the confusion of two Joans.

"Want to go for a walk Darla?" I asked her.

"Of course silly!" she said as we made our way into the mall.

"Shall we go and drive all the boys crazy?" she asked me.

"Huh!" I replied in a state of shock.

"Well Joan, a girl doesn’t make herself as pretty as you have for no reason," she said and began dragging me along with her. Her logic scared the hell out of me. Was that what I’d done? As we continued walking I was lost in serious introspection.

"Are you all right Joan?" she asked me at last.

I honestly wasn’t sure, I thought but replied, "Of course! And how are you Darla?" I said laughing. She seemed relieved and we continued our walk. As we neared the store where I’d purchased my maryjanes a week ago, Darla pulled me inside. Ah, what now I wondered? "A pretty girl like you needs some high heels," she informed me.

"Darla, I don’t have any money," I replied.

"It doesn’t cost anything to look," she said. I sighed audibly as we began viewing the offerings. "I think a pair of red pumps would look perfect with your outfit" she said and started to laugh. I knew I’d never be able to stand up in the pair of spike heeled shoes that she selected. She grabbed a box in what she assumed was my size and dragged me over to a chair. Did everyone know my shoe size but me?

As girly as I was dressed, I felt that those shoes were a "step too far." She saw my concern and reminded me that we weren’t buying them, just trying them on. "I will if you will!" I said at last hoping that it would end this game. She got up and walked back to the display. This time she returned with a pair of black pumps in her own size. "I knew you were going to do that," I said morosely. She laughed as she lifted the lid off of the box and removed one of the pointy toed pumps. She slid the pair easily on her feet.

"Well Joan, come on, your turn," she urged. I really didn’t want to do this. "Would you rather I told everyone in the store that you were a boy shopping for women’s shoes?" she asked me.

"You wouldn’t!" I practically screamed. Her eyes told me not to take her up on her dare.

Why was she doing this to me? Were all females basically insane? I sat there and put the sexy shoes on my feet. "Now cross your legs Joan," she ordered. I sat there and draped one leg over the other. "Perfect" she said. She stood with ease and literally puled me out of my chair. "Now come on girl" she said. "Just stand up. That’s it. It’s not so hard, is it?" she asked as a mother would a baby taking its first steps. She faced me and took my hands as she backed up till we were at arm’s length. "Now slowly step towards me, one foot in front of the other." What else could I do? I couldn’t run away if I’d wanted to. She repeated this procedure a few times making sure that she wasn’t going to back into anything as she went. Suddenly she let go of my hands. It was as though she was teaching me how to ride my first two wheeler. With my hands by my side, I took short mincing steps towards the mirror. It was impossible to keep my hips from swaying slightly wearing those shoes. I suppose I could have lurched forward like a bow legged gunslinger, but, I did my best to walk properly.

"That’s it! You’ve got it girl!" she announced for all the world to hear. We stood there on our stilts facing each other. I realized that with these shoes on I’d be as tall as Sam. For that reason alone, I wanted them. Of course, the sign in the window was still up. "Buy one get one free."

As Darla eyed the sign, her eyes lit up. "No!" I told her firmly.

"No what Joan?" she asked me innocently.

"You’re not going to do this Darla." She laughed and maintained her look of innocence. She was determined to have her way.

"Consider them an early birthday present from me," she said at last. I simply had to stop going shopping with any and all females. I laughed aloud as I imagined Sam accompanying me on such a trip. We’d have never made it past the video arcade.

"All right Darla," I said firmly. "I’ll accept your gift, but I have one requirement. I want them in black, not red," I told her. She seemed saddened for a moment and then jumped with glee and rubbed her hands together.

"So, you’ll wear them then?" she asked me. Why did I let such things happen to me? I knew what was coming next before it happened.

"Let me guess," I said. "You want us to wear our new shoes out of the store?" She gave me a look that would have done the cat that swallowed the canary proud.

We brought the boxes containing our old shoes to the checkout counter. I almost tripped on nonexistent rifts in the carpet along the way. "Take smaller steps Joan," she admonished me. We slowly made our way out of the store looking more like sisters all the time; first the matching earrings, and now the matching shoes. I couldn’t wait to see Mom’s and Aunt Viv’s expression as they viewed us in our new shoes. And no, I didn’t mean that in a good way. I could feel my ass swaying about and felt my chest thrust forward as we walked slowly to the Coffee Shoppe. "Don’t you love your new shoes Joan?" she asked me.

I wanted to tell her that I felt like a freaking fool, but of course I responded, "they’re kind of nice Darla, thank you." She smiled at me knowingly as we made our way into the queue to purchase some coffee.

Our purchases made, we selected a table big enough for four. Mom and Aunt Viv would be arriving momentarily. Perhaps that had been a mistake. Two guys walked over and asked if the vacant seats were taken. There was no shortage of seats in the café. Darla grinned at me wickedly and said, "they’re not at the moment." What the hell was she trying to do to me, I wondered?

"I’m Dave and this is my friend Jerry," he announced taking the seat next to Darla.

"I’m Darla and the quiet young lady sitting across from me is my dearest friend Joan," she said. All eyes were on Darla, including my own. I was glad of this, yet part of me thought, what’s wrong with me, am I chopped liver? I quickly shook my head in an attempt to clear such thoughts away.

Moments later our mothers arrived. Darla laughed and said, "Sorry boys, reinforcements have arrived." They stood nervously and rather than simply looking for an empty table, walked out of the café with their cups in hand. I never thought I’d be glad to see my own mother. "What have you girls been up to?" asked Aunt Viv as she began laughing. "Seems I can’t leave you two alone for a minute," she went on. This was all getting a little too strange for me. I took my right hand and pinched my left arm in an attempt to awaken from this bizarre dream.

Darla noticing my actions said, "you can’t believe this is really happening, can you?" I had to admit that I couldn’t. Her comment actually added to the surreal nature of the scene. Mom espied the shopping bags and asked what we’d bought. Darla proudly displayed her feet.

"Oh Darla, they’re lovely," Mom said. She laughed before replying that I had a pair too.

I wanted to die. "Go on Joan, show them your feet!" she urged. With crimson face, I slowly moved my legs from under the table. Everyone smiled knowingly at me. Did they all know something that I didn’t? I began removing the box that contained my maryjanes from the bag. A quick, "don’t you dare Joan!" escaped from Darla’s lips. The three of them became lost in chit chat. I sat there and glumly considered my fate. Coffee finished, it was time to head for home. They walked behind us giggling at our gait with nervous laughter.

"You’re definitely going to need some practice walking in those Joan," Mom said. "Perhaps Darla will help you perfect your walk?" she asked hopefully. Darla smiled and told Mom not to worry. One good thing about the heels. I couldn’t wear them to the boardwalk.

I’d seen ladies attempting to navigate the boards in heels before. They always wound up carrying their shoes and worrying about splinters in their naked feet. We made our way back to the Raspberry mansion. Mom and I both thanked them for a wonderful time. I reminded Darla to twist her earrings every so often so that they’d heal properly. I found myself hoping that Mom had indeed made a new friend. They seemed to get on well enough.

"They’re a lovely pair," Mom said as we made our way home. Feeling the need to contribute something to the conversation, I told Mom what a great friend Darla had been to me. "As good a friend as Sam?" she asked in a teasing tone.

I considered her statement seriously before replying,. "In some ways, better Mom." Thankfully, she didn’t ask about the boys that had been sitting at our table when they arrived. I had no idea how I would have responded if she had.

Something had been gnawing at me all the way home. It was close to ten o’clock, but I told Mom I was going to Sam’s for a minute. "Joan, it’s a school night," she said insistently.

"I know Mom. But for the fact that I have to have my body in my seat tomorrow, the school year is over."

"Maybe I’ve been giving you a little too much latitude young lady." She used to call me young man when she was annoyed with me. I guessed it was as much my fault as her own. I stood there thinking that any "normal" boy would never have allowed this to happen to him.

"Mom, I won’t be long, I promise," I said hoping for her cooperation.

"You’d better be back here in fifteen minutes Joan, or I’m going to ground you."

I thanked her for granting me that and made my way across the street. I no longer cared if the neighbors saw me taking mincing steps as I slowly made my way to Sam’s house. I knocked on the door tentatively. I hoped it wasn’t too late. Finally, Sam himself appeared. "Joan" he said. "What are you doing here at this hour?"

"Sorry Sam," I replied. "It’s just that we arrived home moments ago and I didn’t want to miss talking to you this evening. Can you come out here for a minute?" I asked.

He came outside and said, "there’s something different about you," without realizing what it was. I looked him straight in the eyes and hugged him close. Realization raced through him as he looked down at my feet. "You’re wearing high heels!" he exclaimed. "Let me get a good look at you," he said backing up a few steps.

"Oh Joan! they were made for you," he said at last.

"That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about Sam," I began. He stood there and gave me the deer in the headlights stare as I continued. "Sam?" I said gently. Without waiting for a response I went on. "Would you still love me if I was a girl?"

"What the hell are you talking about Joan?" he asked me. I sighed and trembled just a bit.

"I’m not sure I know myself Sam," I said unable to stop. He looked about to cry.

"Joan, in my eyes you already are a girl," he replied.

"No Sam, that’s not what I mean. I mean if I was a "real" girl. Well, as real as someone like myself could be, I suppose." He stood there staring at me in disbelief. "Sam, more and more lately I’ve been thinking that perhaps I should have been born female."

"I’ve done my best to hide these thoughts even from myself despite my outward appearance," I said hoping that I was making sense here. I hugged him and began sobbing. Had I made a mistake admitting my innermost thoughts to him? I hoped that I hadn’t.

"You mean a real girl with breasts and a vagina?" He asked, still unable to understand.

I peered deeply into his eyes as I replied, "yes Sam, your girl." He stood there in shock, unable to say a word. His silence amplified my sadness. My body began shaking even harder. I was having a hard time trying to maintain my balance on the very thin heels. "I’m sorry Sam," I sobbed. "I don’t think I can be John for you anymore."

"It’s all right Joan," he whispered. "You’ve never really been John to me," he said and hugged me tighter. I wasn’t sure if I was pleased or dismayed by his statement. My lifelong friend had always thought of me as a girl it seemed. I didn’t think there was anything that could stop the flow of tears.

"Do you know what makes me sadder than anything?" I asked him at length.

I had him so confused by this time, I was certain that the poor boy would never figure it out. The seconds ticked away silently. Finally he replied "No, Joan, you’ll have to tell me, sorry." Could I actually utter the words that I’d been dreading? My tears continued to flow.

"I’ll never be able to have your babies Sam!" I wailed. He shushed me and held me close, unsure how to respond. I wasn’t sure that anyone would understand what I’d just said, myself included. I only knew that that was the dilemma that had been torturing my soul. How could I ever admit such a thing to anyone? "What scares me more than anything, is that I’m not sure I’ll even feel this way tomorrow. Oh Sam! I’m so confused!"

I wished that I could get off of this fence that I was stuck on. He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me with more passion than ever before. My soul swirled higher than my body did. "Are you sure Sam?" I asked when we both paused for breath. With that he kissed me even deeper than before. This time when our kiss ended he whispered, "I’ll always love you Joan." I knew in my heart that he meant every word. It was enough for now.

"Sam, I could never do this without you by my side," I said at last. He simply smiled at me and declared his love for me all over again. I was the luckiest girl in the world. "Oh darling!" I exclaimed. The words that had escaped me began to sink in. Was this really what I wanted? Mom began to seem more sane to me all the time. That in and of itself was a very scary thought to me.

"Sam, you’ll always be my one true love," I whispered into his ear. He kissed my face incessantly. I began giggling and had to beg him to stop before he would.

"I love everything about you Joan," he said at last. "Whatever your gender, it’s you that I love." I felt a peace sweep over me unlike any I’d ever known before.

"Thank you Sam. And again, lest you forget, you’ll always be my one true love." Each word echoed with tears: tears of joy.

"I’ll expect you here at 7:30 in the morning," he said as we broke our embrace.

"There’s no place on this planet I’d rather be," I informed him. His head shook with confidence, the way that guys’ sometimes do. I’d never been as tall as Sam before and took one last moment to express my advantage. I grabbed his head in both hands and kissed him gently on the forehead. Goodnight sweet prince," I said as I made my way slowly back to my own house.

I arrived home seconds later. I was tempted to shout out, "I’m not late, am I?" Mom had become distracted by the television once again. I looked at my new watch and noticed that I was indeed a few minutes late. Thank god she hadn’t noticed. When Mom awoke from her dream state she said, "did you have a nice chat with Sam dear?" I simply beamed at her. I wanted to ask her then and there about how I could become a "real" girl. I knew my worries would be lost on her. In her mind, I already was one.

"Don’t stay up too late," I said with some authority. She laughed at my rebuke.

"Don’t worry about me Joan," she said before turning her attention back to whatever it was she was watching.

"Goodnight Mom," I whispered. "Thanks for coming with me to the mall this evening," I added. Now was not the time to talk to her about the road that I’d decided upon. Yes, I’d need her help and then some, but now was not the time.

"I love you Joan," she whispered in return. "Rest easy sweetheart," she said and released me. I made my way upstairs in my spike heels. I could do this, I thought as I made my way to bed.

Notes:

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Synopsis:

Two young teens, life-long friends, discover each other though not in the usual way. A gentle "coming-of-age" tale. JJ continues down the road of self discovery.

Story:

Chapter 20

The Beat Goes On

Wednesday morning! Only two more early mornings for me for the next few months! YAY! I was not a fan of early mornings. In a perfect world I’d go to bed at 3 AM and awaken sometime before noon. I quickly showered and shaved. Yes, my new routine involved running the razor over my legs and pits on a daily basis. It only took a minute or two and made me feel so much cleaner. I grabbed a pair of jeans from my drawer and a blue sport shirt. The shirt was a bit dressy, but, I was in the mood to wear it. Perhaps I should wear my new stiletto pumps, I thought and giggled madly.

Was it just yesterday that I’d walked half way home to change? Ah well, I was still tempted to dress as "Joan" for school, but did my best to resist the urge. The time would come one day. I went downstairs and downed a quick bowl of cheerios. I made an extra meat loaf sandwich for lunch. Perhaps I could get Darla to sample my cooking? Somehow, I felt brand new on this beautiful June morning. There actually was a light at the end of the tunnel and no, it wasn’t a freight train headed straight for me. I performed my new routine of making sure that Mom was awake before I headed over to Sam’s.

"Come on Sam! let’s go," I shouted to his front door before knocking. He came out moments later and asked me what the hell I was so happy about. I laughed and asked if I needed a reason to be happy? It seemed to me that happiness should be the normal state and not the other way around. As we walked to school I asked him if he’d given any consideration as to how we’d spend our birthdays this year.

"How about an all girl slumber party?" he suggested and began laughing. I found myself laughing along with him. I then told him that the only girl he’d be sleeping with was me! He leaned over and kissed me on the side of the head as we continued walking.

"Only two more mornings of this walk for awhile Sam!" I exclaimed. He gave me a strange look. I was usually happy going to school. Right now, I was looking forward to summer vacation. A chance to explore myself as Joan better. My first trip to the beauty parlor. Perhaps I could get Darla to accompany me? Turnabout was fair play. Besides, I had no idea what kind of look I wanted to achieve. I was sure that Darla could help me out there. "Are we going to walk home together?" I asked him as we entered the building.

"Absolutely!" he replied. I would never take Sam’s presence for granted again. That was a good thing. I loved him so. The only class I was awake for that morning was shop class. I found myself asking Mr. Ferris how much he thought I should charge for a jewelry box. He eyed me suspiciously thinking that I was making money on school supplied materials. I explained the entire situation to him. How the one I was working on now was for my Mom and how my friend’s mother also wanted one like the one I’d made for her daughter.

He was familiar with my craftsmanship and told me at length that $125 would be a fair price. "You know John, with all the work you put into those things, you won’t be earning minimum wage," he said. I smiled at that and told him I was aware, but would gain valuable knowledge from the experience if nothing else. He nodded his approval and then asked me if I had the tools at home to do the job. I admitted sadly that I didn’t. "Talk to me after class on Friday. We may be able to help each other out," he said a bit cryptically. In my mind’s eye I began to envision an empire of jewelry boxes, "Crafted By Joan." Hell, I was too young to get working papers and I needed a job. I might just find a way to make this work.

Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. I took my usual seat "Oh my! I hadn’t realized! You and Darla are wearing the same earrings!" Sally said. "Did Joan pick those out for you Darla?" Sally asked her. Darla was starting to get annoyed with Sally’s behavior too. She used to be the shy girl not wanting to stir things up. Now, it seemed she was hell bent on turning everyone against everyone else. Sarah just sat there with flames coming out of her nostrils. I laughed aloud at the picture that my mind had painted for me. Of course, Sarah correctly surmised that I was laughing at her and this made her angrier still. Too bad, so sad, I thought. Sarah had done enough to make my life miserable.

I decided that now was not a good time to ask Darla about accompanying me to the salon. "Girls!" I announced proudly. "Would you like to try some meatloaf ala Joan?" I pulled out my extra sandwich which I’d cut into quarters. I was beyond surprised when Sarah took a piece. She picked it up gingerly as if she expected it to explode. "Sally?" I asked her. Sally reluctantly took a piece and Darla resignedly took one too. They sat there staring at me expectantly. What now? Then, I realized they were waiting for me. I was to be the beef eater. I picked up the remaining piece and took a large bite. I smiled at them. Sarah finished her piece in two bites and looked like she wanted more.

"Did you really make this Joan?" Darla asked me.

"Yes, and I really made your jewelry box too," I said laughing. Adding the bit about the jewelry box made them doubt everything. I laughed louder. "I’d be happy to show you how sometime, if you’d like."

"I’m not a big fan of meatloaf, but that was delicious," said Sally. I took out my other sandwich and excused myself for a moment. I returned with a plastic knife and cut the remaining sandwich into quarters. Surprisingly, they all took another piece.

Lunch time over, I sleep walked through the rest of the afternoon. I’d heard a few rude comments throughout the day about my fingernails, but I figured it was their problem not mine. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Sarah was behind it all. Sam was waiting for me when I arrived on the front steps. "Joan!" he exclaimed as if he hadn’t seen me in months. He ran to me and give me a huge hug.

"Are you all right Sam?" I asked him.

"Yes," he whispered. "I’m just happy to see you." I smiled at him and we walked home hand in hand. I wanted to tell him of my plan to build jewelry boxes to make some money. Then I’d have to explain the whole situation with Darla and her mother. Well, maybe not, but I’d have to get it all straight in my head before I wound up saying something I shouldn’t. I didn’t need anymore misunderstandings with Sam.

We arrived home and I asked him what he was doing later. "I’m going for a walk on the boardwalk with my best girl" he replied and gave me a hug. He was awfully sure of himself. Then again, perhaps I was the one that was sure of myself thinking that of course he meant me.

"What time are you coming over?" I asked him. I stood there cringing waiting for him to tell me that he was meeting someone else.

"Does 7:30 work for you?" he asked me.

"Perfect!" I exclaimed. That would give me enough time to clean up after dinner.

"You know I meant it when I said you can cook for me anytime."

"Gee thanks Sam, but I think you’re going to cook our next meal together." He laughed and told me he hoped I liked peanut butter sandwiches. I stood on tip toes and kissed him passionately as I bade him goodbye.

I entered the front door wondering what was in store for me on the cooking front this day. I checked out the menu on the refrigerator. There was a whole chicken to prepare. Fortunately, Mom had left detailed instructions about removing the gizzards etc. That was so gross! At least I’d be able to cheat on the stuffing (stove top) and the gravy (Heinz). I let the dog in and decided to do a few loads of laundry. Remembering my promise to myself about counseling, I hit the Internet and began doing a search. I wasn’t quite sure what inquiry would yield the proper answers. A search on "boys who want to be girls" came back with a bunch of weird sites about crossdressers. I supposed that’s what I was, or at least that’s what I seemed.

Still, I knew that wasn’t it for me. Further examination of that topic showed me that although these males enjoyed wearing female attire, most of them did it for sexual gratification. I knew then and there that I was not one of them. It took me some time, but I finally found a listing of support groups in my area. I was a bit put off that the groups were all encompassing. It seemed I’d be lumped in with the "gay and lesbian community." I sat there thinking about it and realized that perhaps I was indeed a lesbian. This was all so damned confusing. I wasn’t into boys at all,. but I honestly thought of Sam as male. I wondered just how I’d ever get to attend one of these meetings. They were held twice monthly on Friday evenings in a locale not far from our own.

Feeling like I’d actually accomplished something, I continued doing the housework and laundry. Time to preheat the oven and get the chicken in. I worked furiously while awaiting Mom’s imminent arrival. I hoped she’d be pleased. Six o’clock arrived and Mom came struggling through the door. She had a look of total dejection about her.

"What’s wrong Mom?" I asked. She began crying and ran to hug me. "Mom, what’s the matter?" I asked again. I’d seen her upset before, but never like this. Besides, my father had always been around in the past to handle such situations.

She sobbed for awhile longer while squeezing the breath out of me and finally replied, "I’m all right. Sorry, I just had a rough day." With that she poured herself a drink and sat at the table with a drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

I knew she was hiding something from me. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what it was. Perhaps telling her about my research would take her mind off of her worries. Then again, perhaps it would add to them. I wasn’t sure what I should do. I served up the chicken, cranberry sauce, a bowl full of stuffing , and a boat full of gravy. The entire meal was far easier than I’d ever expected it could be.

"This is delicious Joan. You’ve outdone yourself." I was happy to hear those words of appreciation. I knew that Mom would be my main ally in my quest to become Joan. I had to talk to her about it.

"Mom?" I asked tentatively.

"Yes sweetheart?" she asked.

"I need to be a girl." This was not a time to express doubts. If I was going to get her attention, I had to state things in the imperative. I want to be a girl, just wouldn’t do.

She began crying softly. "Are you all right Mom?"

"Yes sweetheart. I’m fine," she replied. "What makes you think you want to be a girl?" she added. I felt like telling her that I thought that’s what she wanted of me. Still, I knew that this was my decision, not hers. It was I who’d spend the rest of my life walking in high heels, not her, well not unless she wanted to.

"Mom, I want to thank you for helping me find my way. It would have taken me far longer without your help, but I’m now certain that I’d have wound up here just the same. Yes, I like dressing up as Joan, but it’s far more than that. When I see Joan’s reflection in the mirror staring back at me, I feel complete. I feel whole. No doubts about anything. I know that sounds delusional, but it’s true. And no, I don’t expect that changing gender will solve all of life’s problems. Still, I have to be happy with myself first and foremost. I’m not as John."

"All of my friends, including Sam, treat me as though I was a girl. I think I finally knew it when I attended Darla’s party last weekend. Everything just seemed so right. This was how I was meant to live my life. Not as someone pretending to be male. Mom looked at me as though this was all her fault. Perhaps in some ways, it was. Still, as I said earlier, I’d have arrived here anyway, it just would have taken longer. "Mom, there is a meeting on Friday night for people like me. Would you take me? Will you come with me?" I begged her.

"Joan, are you sure about this?"

"I’m sure that I need to do this Mom," I told her honestly. She sat there and seemed to be weighing things in her mind. I couldn’t imagine what her problem was. Over the last few weeks she’d bought me every item of feminine attire possible and now she was having doubts?

"Will you take me?" I asked again. The clock kept marching onward.

Finally she said, "all right Joan, we’ll go and check it out." I smiled at her and gave her a big hug and kiss. It was closing in on seven o’clock and I was fast running out of time. I began my running around the kitchen routine once again. I left the rack to soak in the basin and cleared away all the dishes. I thought I’d bring a drumstick for lunch tomorrow. I found myself hoping that the girls wouldn’t expect me to supply them with lunch everyday and began laughing. Hell, out of the two sandwiches I brought for lunch, I’d only had a half of one. I then decided that Joan was going to need more clothes. Three outfits weren’t going to be enough. My thoughts were everywhere!

I finished up in the kitchen as quickly as I could. I left some things to soak in the sink and told Mom I’d clean them when I got home. She didn’t ask where I was going. For that, I was grateful. I ran upstairs and put on a pair of pantyhose. My black skort with contrasting white top competed the outfit. I found myself wanting more shoes, more skirts, more tops, more everything! I put on my maryjanes and did a quick job of my makeup. Moments later Sam arrived.

"Joan, Sam’s here!" Mom announced. I made my way gently down the stairs. His smile was all the welcome that I needed.

"You look lovely Joan."

I gave him my old standby, "you don’t look so bad yourself."

I told Mom I’d be home before ten and we made our way to the boardwalk. I loved the look of my new gold watch. A slender watch for my slender wrist, I smiled at the thought. We began walking and Sam took my hand. "I love you Sam," I said for no reason at all. He smiled at me in return. I always knew that Sam wanted to be a boy, but I decided that he’d have to arrive at that conclusion on his own. Maybe he’d become interested when I told him of my intentions to attend a support group for teens like us. I was afraid however that Sam was too proud and independent to seek any kind of help.

"So, what are your plans for the summer?" he asked me. It’s funny, we’d never made plans for a summer before. They just came and went. The days took care of themselves. Now, here we were wondering and worrying about what we were going to accomplish.

"I’m not positive Sam, but I think I’ve got a job working for Mr. Ferris this summer." He gave me a look that expressed total bewilderment. I laughed at his expression. "You see, I’m going to be making jewelry boxes to earn a living this summer," I said matter of factly as though it was all a done deal. "How about you Sam? What have you got planned?" I asked him.

He told me he wasn’t sure, but thought he’d be attending a baseball camp for a few weeks next month. It was my turn to offer up a baffled look. "The coach came down to the park last night to watch me pitch to the boys. He was very impressed as I struck out Billy, Jimmy, and Duncan one by one. He didn’t believe his own eyes, however. He took the bat from Duncan and strode to the plate. Three pitches later he was inviting me to camp free of charge," he finished proudly.

"Oh Sam! That’s wonderful!" I exclaimed. There was a time I would have been jealous of his accomplishment. That time had passed. "Next stop the major leagues," I said. He laughed and went to punch me in the arm. I was becoming very adept at dodging those punches.

It was the last slow Wednesday we’d see at the boardwalk until September rolled around. Everything was officially open including the amusement pier, but the crowds were sparse. I wasn’t sure which way I liked it better. Still, it seemed a lot more intimate just the way it was. I knew however, that if it was like this all the time that most of the businesses would fold. "You missed a meal even better than the one I made last night," I told him and started laughing.

"Hey Joan, I told you that you could cook for me anytime," he said and joined my good humor. "How did it go with Darla last night?" he asked. "I noticed she was wearing the same earrings that you have. Was that your idea or hers?" I hoped we weren’t going to fight over this. I explained the earring situation to Sam. Darla had the diamond studs but wouldn’t be able to wear them for awhile yet. Sam seemed placated by my explanation.

"That girl has everything, doesn’t she?" he said at last.

"She doesn’t have you," I said and kissed him on the cheek.

"You mean, she doesn’t have you," he said to me and returned my kiss. I smiled back at him and we continued walking. Dressed as I was, I think I’d have been annoyed if anyone mistook me for a boy. How times had changed, I thought and smiled. Out of the blue Sam told me of his plans to get his hair cut off for the summer. He used the excuse that it wouldn’t be right to go to baseball camp with hair as long as his own. I looked at him sadly and told him that I’d always loved his long hair.

"Well Joan, you’ve got long hair now. Do something pretty with it for me." I smiled at his comment and considered telling him of my planned trip to the beauty parlor. I decided at length that it would be a surprise.

"I guess the next time we play "boy/girl" you’ll have to shout out "boy" when the first wave takes you," he said to me and laughed. I laughed with him imagining him calling me "John" after being knocked down by a rogue wave. He seemed to be growing more comfortable in the male role of our relationship. I had to admit I was feeling the same way. It just felt right being held in his strong arms as we battled our way through life.

"Hey Sam? Want to ride the carousel with me?" I asked out of nowhere. Not sure why I wanted to, but I just did.

"If that’s what you want to do," he replied. We made our way into the huge arcade that had the carousel as its centerpiece. I purchased two tickets and we waited for the ride to stop. In years past, Sam would always ride on the "inside" horse. Now, he mounted one of the mighty steeds on the outermost ring. I thought for a moment about simply getting behind him but at last relented and took the one next to him.

It was more about being with him than riding the ride. He smiled at me as though he was somehow dominating me by his mere position. I gave him my best warrior princess smile in return. Sure, I’d stroke his ego, but I wasn’t about to fade into the background for anyone. I was a very liberated girl, I thought and laughed aloud. Everything just seemed so much better now. I could almost understand how crossdressers felt. And yes, I realized that for the moment I numbered among them, but knew in my heart that I was a real girl. It broke my heart that I’d have to continue the charade of John. I was determined that it wouldn’t be for that much longer.

The ride finally ended. Sam gallantly offered me his hand to help me down from my horse. I graciously accepted his gesture. "I love you Joan," he whispered. I smiled so wide my jaw ached. We walked about the boards for a bit after that. Sam bought me some fresh fudge. It was all the sweeter for being from him. I kept a few pieces to bring home to Mom. I knew she loved chocolate. I found myself wishing that I could wear my high heels here. I began to wonder just how strange Sam would look with really short hair. I’d never seen him that way before. I knew I was going to need some magazines or something to learn more about being a girl.

"Sam, I need to get something in the convenience store. "He gave me a look that said I was asking too much. "Come on, big guy, be a sport." I wasn’t sure if it was the way I said it or the fact that I’d called him "big guy," but he came along willingly. I found myself examining the myriad of women’s magazines on the racks. I finally decided on the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. Sure, they had "girls’" magazines, but I was far too mature for them. As I made my way to the checkout counter, Sam eyeing my purchase gave me a look that let me know he thought I’d totally lost my mind. I simply smiled at him as I made my purchase.

"I guess you’re serious about this wanting to be a girl stuff?" he said inquisitively.

"No Sam," I said petulantly, "it’s all just a joke for your benefit."

His comment gave me pause. Had he just been placating me? Did he think I was less than serious about becoming female? I’d have to make sure he understood my intent. No, my decision didn’t rest with him. This was about me, but I just had to know how he felt. "Sam?" I asked him. "What do I look like to you right now, a boy or a girl?" He actually blushed and told me that my question didn’t require an answer.

"Thank you Sam. I didn’t think it required an answer either. However, I can’t help thinking that you thought I was kidding about wanting to be "Joan" for real. I am Joan," I informed him. I was going to do everything in my power to become the girl I was meant to be. He grinned sheepishly and told me he understood. I knew that he didn’t, but I let it pass. I knew then that I’d be alone on this journey and perhaps that’s the way it had to be. Did Sam love me? Yes, I was certain that he did. Could he accept me as Joan for real? Only time would tell. I hugged him close and thanked him for a wonderful evening. We’d never even made it down to the ocean, one of my favorite things to do.

The walk home was a quick one. He held me in his arms outside my door. I couldn’t believe how strong he was. From a genetic standpoint, I was the boy in this relationship. From a realistic standpoint, Sam was far stronger than I was. He kissed me deeply and promised me he loved me no matter what. I don’t know why, but I had my doubts. "I’ll see you in the morning then?" he asked before releasing me.

"Where else would I be?" I replied somewhat coyly. He waited again till I made my way inside. I still felt a bit funny about someone doing that for me. In a way it made me feel safe, in another way it made me feel like an incompetent little kid. I resolved that the next time we were together that I’d be the one walking him home and waiting till he was inside before leaving.

"Joan! You’re early!" Mom enthused as I walked through the door. I hadn’t looked at my watch the whole time. It was just 9:30. "How was your evening sweetheart, and what’s that in your hand?" she asked. I blushed slightly and showed her my issue of Cosmopolitan.

"Oh! You’ll have to let me read it when you’ve finished."

"Of course Mom." I almost told her that I’d bought it for her. I was done with pretending. "Oh, here Mom!" I said handing her the bag. There were still two pieces of fudge left. Mom opened the bag and smiled at me.

"You shouldn’t have," was all she said. She took a piece and nibbled on it as a rabbit would. I smiled at her and gave her a hug.

"I love you Mommy," I whispered.

"I love you too sweetheart," she whispered in return.

I went into the kitchen and finished cleaning the racks and pans that had been soaking since dinner time. I’d held out a faint hope that Mom would do them for me, but it was all right. Fifteen minutes later I was finished and I bade Mom goodnight. I went upstairs and carefully removed my clothes. I loved the way the pantyhose looked on my legs, but they were ridiculously delicate. A far cry from crew socks. I enjoyed dressing up, but I knew whatever happened I’d still spend a fair amount of my life wearing blue jeans and sneakers. I lay in bed and began browsing through my magazine. Some of the articles were interesting, but none seemed to apply to me directly.

The ads were mostly for clothing and cosmetics which I neither needed nor could afford. Perhaps this hadn’t been the right choice of reading material. I could see myself bringing it to school and reading it in class. I began giggling furiously as I embraced the possibility. Ok, so that wouldn’t be one of my better ideas. I decided to do some more online research tomorrow so I’d have a better idea of just what to expect come Friday evening. I was worried that it would be a total freak show and I’d be the "freak of honor." Did I really want to talk to others about this? I began to have doubts. Still, I knew that to become Joan in society at large, I’d need some help from those who’d already blazed the trail. At length, I decided to give it a shot and see what happened.

I hugged and kissed the triplets and decided that Teddy needed some attention. I fell asleep holding him tight in my arms…

Chapter 21

Can We Still Be Friends?

Thursday morning arrived. Just one more day of getting up so early. I couldn’t remember being happier as I made myself ready to face the world. Shower completed, I donned a pair of shorts and sneakers. A polo shirt completed the outfit. It was a preppy look at best. My hair was starting to get too long to do anything with it. I’d always kept it on the long side, but now it hadn’t been cut in months. I wondered just how feminine I was willing to go with a new hairstyle. I decided whatever it was, it was going to be something pretty. If worse came to worst, I could always shave my head, I thought and giggled at the possibility.

Breakfast finished, I grabbed some of last night’s leftovers for lunch. Once again I made sure Mom was awake before heading out the door. Sam was waiting for me with a smile on his face. "Ok, it’s my turn to ask. What are you so happy about?"

"I’m just happy to be walking to school with you."

"Why thank you kind Sir." I brushed up against him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. We began our journey.

"So, did you learn any new secrets?" Sam asked me. I had no idea what he was talking about and my look of total bewilderment confirmed this for him. "In your new magazine?" he asked in a taunting tone.

"There are some things a girl never tells!" I told him and we continued our walk. I wasn’t really sure if the weather was as beautiful as it seemed or whether I was just so happy that only one day of school remained.

Tomorrow we would receive our year end report cards. This was a holdover from an earlier time. The cards sent home with us would be followed up with a letter to the parents a few days hence. I was actually anticipating my best semester ever! As we continued walking, I realized that I’d forgotten to call my father yesterday as I’d promised myself I would. At the moment, I wasn’t feeling too kindly towards him and finally decided that if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where to find me. I could imagine myself ringing his office and getting him on the phone. "Dad, why haven’t you called me?" I’d ask. Nope, I wasn’t going to do that.

"Earth to Joan," a voice summoned me.

"Huh?" I replied.

"I just asked you if you wanted to go to the movies with me tomorrow night," Sam said.

"Tomorrow?" I said remembering the meeting. "Sorry Sam, I can’t tomorrow night," I replied. He looked at me as though he thought I’d be attending another party with the girls. Should I tell him what I was doing? "Sam," I began, "I’m going to a meeting for transgendered teens tomorrow night," I told him solemnly.

He looked at me as though I’d just stepped off an alien spacecraft. "I need to find out more about becoming Joan." His look told me that he still seriously doubted my sanity. "Why don’t you come with me?" I asked.

"Why would I want to go to a meeting for transgendered teens?" he asked me. I sighed audibly.

"No reason Sam, no reason at all," I said and we continued walking. My "boyfriend" apparently wasn’t ready to accept or acknowledge his own situation. In a sense, Sam was more masculine than I was feminine. I knew he lifted weights. If he got his hair cut short as planned, no one would ever mistake him for a girl again. Well, not for a few years when he failed to display any facial hair and his voice didn’t drop. Though I had to admit, Sam’s voice was already deeper than my own.

"Could we go Saturday night?" I asked him as we neared our destination. I think that by merely inviting Sam to join me tomorrow night, it had eased his mind.

"That would be wonderful Joan," he told me and squeezed my hand three times. I returned the gesture and smiled back at him.

"I love you Sam," I said a bit wistfully. I did love him, with all my heart. I worried though that in the final analysis that "Joan" wouldn’t be enough for him. I began thinking that if Sam wasn’t gay then all bets were off. Then again, I was positive that Sam was transgendered as I was. If we could only swap bodies. I laughed to myself. No, I didn’t want to be Sam, he was far too masculine!

We arrived just in time and made our way into the building. If not for my jewelry box project, I think I’d have stayed home today and tomorrow. Talk about a complete waste of time! I entered shop class and began the finishing touches on Mom’s jewelry box. It looked exquisite! The oak really made a difference in the overall appearance. I’d have to do the hand rubbed coats of lacquer at home, but that was fine with me. I hoped Mom liked it! As I continued working, Mr. Ferris came up to me.

"John, I have to ask you something," he said. "Why are you wearing pink nail polish on your hands?" I found myself thinking that this was a reasonable question from a future employer. Still, I didn’t see myself spilling my guts to him.

"It’s just part of who I am," I told him. "Is that a problem?" I asked seriously. He shook his head from side to side as if unsure what to say next.

"John, I want you to come work with me this summer, but I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into here. Do you have any special needs?" he asked me. Honestly, I had no idea what he was asking me.

Wanting that job as much as anything, I laughed and replied, "If you want a quality worker, then I’m your man," I said with more confidence than I felt.

"Here’s my address," he said handing me his business card. "I’ll expect you at 9:00 AM Monday morning. We’ll figure out your hours then. I’m going to expect you there for twenty hours a week though. If that’s a problem, let me know now and I’ll make other arrangements." I found myself wanting to ask him about hourly rates and what hours he had in mind and what he wanted me to do and, all kinds of stuff!

I smiled at him and said, "Not a problem at all Mr. Ferris, thanks for the opportunity." I put Mom’s jewelry box back in its cubby hole and made my way to my next class.

Lunch time arrived and I made my way to the cafeteria. Sam and crew were sitting at their table and having a grand old time. I began to wonder if Sam and I would be lunch partners again in the fall when Duncan was off to the high school. "Good afternoon girls!" I greeted them as I took my seat.

"Good afternoon Joan," said Sally giggling at me. Somehow I felt that I’d betrayed Sally, but I honestly wasn’t sure how.

"Didn’t you bring us any lunch today?" Darla asked me. I sat there dumbfounded. The three of them began laughing at me. I was glad that I provided some amusement for them. If I’d been sitting closer to Darla, I’d have punched her in the arm. I took out my lunch and ate it in silence. My mind was filled with various thoughts: my new job, the meeting tomorrow night, the trip to the beauty parlor, Aunt Viv’s jewelry box, the list went on and on.

Before I knew it, I was standing outside on the front steps waiting for Sam. We hadn’t said anything to one another about the walk home. Before everything started to "happen", the walk to and from school with one another was a given. Now, it was anybody’s guess. Fifteen minutes later, feeling totally stupid, I began walking home alone. I laughed to myself as I wondered if there were any new cracks in the sidewalk to count. I was glad the school year was basically over. Tomorrow was a half-day. We’d be released at noon. No need to pack a lunch. Not sure why, but I found myself worrying about Sam. Next thing I knew I was thinking about my new job next week. Visions of dollar signs danced in my head! If he offered me less than five dollars per hour, I was going to thank him for considering me and make other plans. I hoped to be able to add to my modest savings over the course of the summer.

I got home and decided to call Sam and see if everything was alright. Thankfully, he was home safe and sound. I asked him why he hadn’t waited for me. He had no reply for that other than we hadn’t discussed walking home together that afternoon. I was a bit annoyed with his behavior, but decided to let the matter pass.

"You want to come play some ball with me and the guys?" he asked. I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do less. Well, maybe a trip to the dentist would be less appealing than that. I thanked him for his offer but politely declined. Before hanging up I asked if we were on for walking to school together tomorrow. His two word response, "you bet!" was all I needed to hear. We said our goodbyes and I headed off to the kitchen to check out the evening’s meal plan.

I was going to suggest to Mom that since I was doing the majority of the cooking that I should have some say in what we were having for dinner. I didn’t think that she’d mind. This evening’s fare would be very easy. Tuna casserole and soup. Also attached to the refrigerator door was a note from Mom telling me that I had a 10:00 AM appointment Saturday at "The Hairport." Knots began forming in the pit of my stomach. This was really going to happen! It was then that I decided to give Darla a call and ask her if she’d accompany me to get my "hair cut". She answered on the second ring. I asked her if she’d come with me. She began laughing as she asked just why I’d need her to come hold my hand while I got a hair cut. I literally blushed into the phone.

"Er, Darla," I began, "This isn’t your run of the mill hair cut," I explained. "I’m going to get my hair "styled,"" I said as delicately as I could. I could read her lack of comprehension in the tone of her voice as she muttered, "uh huh."

"Darla, I’ve got an appointment at the beauty parlor on Saturday morning. Will you come with me?" I asked as directly as I knew how.

"Oh Joan! That’s wonderful! Of course I’ll come with you. I am your big sister after all," she laughed in a teasing tone. I was almost too embarrassed to say anything. I found my response a bit odd. Hell, she’d seen me totally made up wearing high heels and here I was fretting about getting a new hair cut. I must be nuts!

"Thanks Darl. My appointment is for 10:00 AM, so I’ll pick you up about twenty of?"

"Aren’t you coming to school tomorrow?" she asked me.

"Of course I am, but I didn’t know if I’d have an opportunity to ask you then. Oh, and Darla? Please don’t tell Sarah and Sally about this. I’m sure they’ll find out at some point, but not now, all right?"

"You’re secret is safe with me," she said before hanging up.

No more kisses goodbye into the phone I thought sadly as I placed the phone back on the receiver. Ah well, nothing I could do about that. I decided to make myself pretty. I know that sounds insane. It was the middle of a Thursday afternoon. Why would I bother with such things? I just felt the need. I really was going to need more than just the three outfits. If I got dressed now, then I’d need something to wear tomorrow night. Hm? I hadn’t even considered what I was going to wear tomorrow night. Maybe it would be best to wear gender neutral apparel to the meeting. I knew however, that I couldn’t go dressed as John on Saturday for my appointment. I guessed there was no way to hide my blue pleated skirt from Darla in the final analysis.

I shrugged my shoulders and put on my black skort with white top. Yes, I’d just worn it last night but so what? It wasn’t like I was going to be seeing anyone. To spice it up a little I added the high heels. I wasn’t crazy about the way they forced me to walk in tiny steps, but I had to admit I loved the way they made me look. I did the best that I could with my hair and sprayed it in place when I was done. I decided I was going to wear my heels for the rest of the day. I needed the practice. I brought my desk chair over in front of my mirror and sat down. I crossed one leg over the other and posed demurely. I truly was losing my mind, but it felt wonderful! After a short while, I made my way to the kitchen. I either needed a serious jolt of caffeine or a nap. I decided on the caffeine.

While the coffee perked, I began gathering the necessary items I’d need to prepare dinner. Everything was ready when I was. I poured myself a cup of coffee and made my way upstairs to my room and my computer. I’m not sure why, but I found myself in Mom’s room staring at her makeup table. I’d build one for myself before the summer was over. As I began to make my exit, I noticed an open pack of Virginia Slims on her night stand. I was really at a loss now as I knew where this was headed. Next thing I was sitting in my chair in my room with a cup of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I found myself getting aroused by my own appearance. Should I light the thing, I wondered?

Was I totally losing my mind here. I knew all of the dangers of smoking. Why was I even considering this? I went back to the kitchen in search of some matches. Finding some, I practically ran back up to my room. A very tough thing to do when you’re wearing three inch heels.

I took the long slender tube in my hand, placed it in my mouth and struck a match. The taste was worse than I’d expected. I coughed a few times as I sat there puffing away and sipping my coffee. Just like Mom, I thought sadly. I liked the ruby red ring that my lips made on the filter. I liked the way that I looked as I sat there holding it in my hand. I barely recognized my reflection. That’s not entirely true. I saw my mother staring back at me from the mirror. What had prompted me to do this? Coffee and a cigarette may have had a calming effect on Mom, but I found myself getting very excited. I put it out in the ashtray and made my way to the bathroom before I exploded. What’s wrong with me? I almost felt like crying. I cleaned up my mess and decided to do a bit more research on the Internet.

It didn’t take too long to figure out that if I was indeed a transsexual, that the best time to do something about it was now. Now, before my beard started growing, my voice dropped and the other damages that testosterone would unleash on my body could take place. I began to shake and worry as I contemplated my future. Finally the tears were in full swing as I lay atop my bed crying like a baby. Life seemed so damned difficult all of a sudden. I hugged Jola as I drifted off to sleep. So much for the caffeine keeping me awake, I thought as I drifted off.

"Joan, I’m home!" my mother’s voice awakened me. "Where are you sweetheart?" she called out. I’d totally forgotten about everything! I jumped off the bed with my pumps still firmly attached to my feet.

"I’m coming Mom!" I shouted down the stairs to her. "Dinner will be ready shortly," I informed her. I practically ran to the kitchen and made her a drink. "Here you go Mom, your favorite!" I said handing her the gin and tonic. She eyed me suspiciously.

"You’re certainly getting a lot of use out of your new clothes," she commented. I smiled at her in return.

"Do you think I could get another outfit?" I asked her. She considered this for a moment before telling me that if I was going to be wearing skirts every day that I would indeed need more clothes. We engaged in chit chat as I prepared our meal. While the soup was cooking, I set the table. Finally, everything ready, I served up the food.

"Ah well, at least there’s one dish that I make better than you do," she said and began laughing.

"Mom," I began, "I’ve got a job for the summer. I start on Monday."

"A job? What kind of job? Don’t you have to be fifteen to get working papers?" she asked me.

"Yes Mom, you do," I said knowing it to be true.

"Then how have you got a job?" I went on to explain that Mr. Ferris had offered me a summer position assisting him in his shop. "You’re going to be working in a wood shop?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes Mom. It’s a great opportunity for me. I’ll be earning some money and learning more about making things. I think you’ll understand it all a lot better tomorrow," I said thinking about the jewelry box I’d made for her as a gift.

"What kind of hours do you plan on working?" she asked still not convinced. I told her that I wasn’t sure of my exact schedule, but Mr. Ferris decided that twenty hours per week would be appropriate.

"He doesn’t want my work to take up my whole summer," I added with total poetic license.

"He sounds like a wise man," she said and continued eating her dinner. "So, are we off to the mall to get you some more clothes then?" she asked me. I practically jumped out of my chair with glee.

"I’m afraid we’re going to have to shop the clearance racks, Joan. Money is getting to be a bit tight."

"One person’s clearance item is another’s treasure," I replied. She laughed and told me she liked my attitude. She helped me clean up the dishes and I went upstairs to put my more reasonable maryjanes on. Mom seemed disappointed that I wasn’t wearing the heels but thankfully, didn’t complain. We talked about the meeting tomorrow night as we made our way to the shopping center. Mom said she just wanted to be sure that I knew what I was doing. I laughed at that and told her that there was only one thing I was sure of.: "I am Joan," I said to her. She smiled at that and parked the car.

Everyone seemed to treat me nicer as Joan than they ever had as John. I know that sounds insane, but it’s true. Maybe it was because I was smiling more often these days. True to her word, Mom carefully checked out the clearance racks. She found the most beautiful pink dress at an incredible price. I loved the way it looked, but wondered just where I’d ever wear such a thing. Mom smiled at me knowingly. "Don’t worry Joan, you’ll have need for this soon enough." The low cut square necked dress had my mind in a whirl. If it looked half as good on me as it did on the hanger, it would be perfect! "I don’t suppose I have to ask you if you’d like to try this on?" she said and began placing it back on the rack. My heart sank to my knees. I walked over to where she’d placed "my" dress and picked it off the rack.

Mom beamed at me as I headed for the changing rooms. I felt prettier just holding it in my hands. It was truly a unique experience. "Come with me Mom?" I asked her. She accompanied me into the dressing room. It had a back zipper and I had no idea how one was supposed to work it alone. I finally stood there and saw a very pretty young woman staring back at me.

"Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. "You’re beautiful!" I had to admit, in that dress I felt beautiful. I began changing back into my skort as Mom muttered that at this price it would be crazy not to get it. I reached over and hugged her tightly.

We purchased a few more casual outfits. A sage colored pleated mini skirt with matching v necked top and my very own pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans. Just one more thing sweetheart she said and dragged me over to the swim suit selection. "You can’t go about looking as pretty as you do wearing a boy’s bathing suit." I had to admit that she was right. We finally picked out a red one-piece suit. It looked very similar to the one that Darla had loaned me. I felt sexy in it as I made a few poses in front of the mirror. Mom just stood and stared at me doe eyed. Purchases made, we began walking through the mall.

"Joan, you’re going to need a proper pair of sneakers," she informed me.

"Sneakers are sneakers," I replied. She smiled at me as she dragged me back into the shoe store. I was becoming a regular customer. At least the dweeb sales clerk didn’t approach us that evening. It was just a short time ago that Mom was blackmailing me to try on a pair of Mary Janes.

Mom selected a very feminine pair of sneakers for me to try on. They looked a little silly over my pantyhose, but felt perfect. White with light pink outlines. Somehow, they made my feet look smaller. "Those will go well with your new jeans and skirts," Mom said. I hugged her and thanked her again. At least I wouldn’t have a hard time convincing Mom that I needed to be a girl. She already thought I was one. This time I left the store wearing my maryjanes. The pantyhose just seemed a bit much with the sneakers. We made our way back to the Coffee Shoppe and ordered up some fresh brew. We sat at one of the tables overlooking the main mall.

"Sweetheart, are you feeling all right?" she asked with some concern in her voice.

"I feel great Mom! Why do you ask?" She looked at me and told me it seemed like I was losing weight. I hadn’t been consciously trying to lose weight, but I was pleased with her comment and told her so.

"Mom, is there a lipstick made that doesn’t come off on everything?" I asked her remembering the coffee cup and cigarette earlier.

"Why Joan, is your lipstick coming off on all the boys you’ve been kissing?" she said teasingly. Now she was scaring me. Should I tell her I was a lesbian? I had enough gender issues already without confusing her further.

"Mom! I’m serious!" I made sure that she understood me.

"Well Joan, to be honest some last longer than others. The ones that do last forever look pretty crappy though," she said and laughed. "There are few decent middle of the road ones out there. Finish your coffee and we’ll go check them out."

Mom seemed really happy to have her "little girl" at last. I found myself welcoming the changes that were taking place. We made our way back to the pharmacy and viewed the endless selection of lip colors. I found myself drawn to the dark reds. Mom told me that such colors would only get me into trouble. I laughed at her comment. I finally decided on a color called "Never Ending Rose" from the L’Oreal Endless line. It was a very dark pink and made my lips look inviting. One application was supposed to last eight hours. I soon discovered that they’d named the product line appropriately. It was "Endless," however, not in the way intended. It really required "endless application" to look good. We took our purchases and made our way home.

I found myself looking forward to future shopping sessions with Mom. Knowing how I’d viewed Mom just a few weeks ago, I began to worry for my own sanity. Part of me felt like I was doing something wrong. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t, but I couldn’t get past the guilt and the shame. I had hopes that things would be helped with the TG meeting tomorrow night. We arrived home and I scooted upstairs with my new purchases. A new dress, a skirt and top, some jeans and a bathing suit! My wardrobe was certainly increasing.

"I’m sorry Joan," Mom said as I came back downstairs.

"You’re sorry? What are you sorry for?" I asked her.

"I’m sorry that you weren’t born a girl," she said as her eyes filled with tears. That could be taken as a double edged sword. Was she sorry for me, or for herself?

"It’s all right Mom," I told her. "I’m just happy to finally know who I am." She held me tightly and refused to let go. More than a few tears escaped our eyes.

"Would you like some cocoa?" I asked her. She smiled at me and said she should be the one comforting me and not the other way around. "It’s ok Mom, and would you?" She laughed and said that she’d love a cup. I made my way into the kitchen and let the dog out. Shandy had been very quiet today. The hot chocolate beverage served, Mom asked me what I hoped to accomplish at the meeting tomorrow night. I told her that I honestly had no idea, but knew that I had to go. It would help just to know that there were others out there like me. Mom nodded in understanding. We sat and talked about everything. She asked if I was excited about my hair appointment on Saturday. I assured her that I was.

Although September seemed like a life time away, I found myself wondering if I’d be able to go back to being John for the start of the new school year. At length I convinced myself that worrying about such things now wasn’t going to change anything.

"Thanks Mommy, for everything."

"Anything for my precious daughter." I cleaned up the cups and put them in the dishwasher. I bade Mom goodnight and headed up to my room. Strange new feelings were taking hold of my psyche. Joan was assuming her proper role in my life. I doubted that John had the strength to suppress her. I found myself hoping that he didn’t as sleep overtook me…

Notes:

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Synopsis:

The school year ends. Joan attends the meeting for transgendered teens and someone's secret is exposed!

Story:

Chapter 22

Collide

Friday morning! I couldn’t believe it! I was so excited I nearly jumped out of my skin as I ran to the bathroom in the buff. No need to worry about modesty, Mom was never up this early. I showered and shaved. Drying off and viewing my image in the bathroom mirror, I began thinking about hair styles. I really didn’t know much about them. I wanted something that was both pretty and easy to care for. I wondered if Darla would have some time after school for a consultation. I didn’t want to make such monumental decisions alone or on the spur of the moment.

I got dressed quickly and realized I’d have to do some laundry tomorrow. A woman’s work is never done, I thought and laughed to myself. Bed made and triplets in place atop my pillow I made my way downstairs. I figured if Darla had time to see me that afternoon, I’d return Jola to her. I wondered if she’d forgotten about her? I ate some cereal then thought about what to do for lunch when I remembered that I wouldn’t be needing to bring lunch with me that day. It’s funny, but I found myself both happy and sad about that. I was going to miss having lunch with the girls. Yeah, even with the wicked Sarah! I took care of the dog, woke Mom up and made one last trip to the bathroom. I decided that I was going to wear a coat of my "invisible" lipstick. Even if it wasn’t noticeable, I’d still feel it on my lips and smell its sweet fragrance. The task completed I began to put the tube back in the medicine cabinet when I decided at last to put it in my pants’ pocket.

I exited the front door and screamed for the world to hear, "Good morning Sam!" It’s a good thing we didn’t live near a cemetery as my shout would have surely awakened the dead. I was surprised to find that Sam had in fact heard my yell. He came running out of the house and asked me what was wrong. "Nothing’s wrong Sam!" I screamed in return. Damn, I felt happy this morning. I’d have the whole summer to be Joan. I hoped Mr. Ferris could handle having a young lady working for him as opposed to a young man. I decided that I’d worry about that on Monday. Sam came running out to greet me in the middle of the street. He dropped his bag. Grabbed me in a big bear hug and spun me around like a toy.

"Whoa there big fella," I said laughing, "I’m getting dizzy here."

"You’re getting dizzy?" he replied snidely. "Joan, you’re one of the dizziest people that I’ve ever known," he said and began laughing. Taking no offense, I laughed with him. I was half-tempted to punch him in the arm, but I didn’t want him returning the favor. My own bruise had finally faded, I didn’t want another one. He hugged me again and kissed me tenderly before gently releasing me. We began walking. "Joan, I’ve got to tell you!" he said excitedly. "The coach came again last night and he told me I had a shot at making the county all star team."

"That’s fantastic Sam!" I told him. Of course, I found myself wondering just how that would affect our relationship. I knew that if he got involved in that, he wouldn’t be around much at all this summer.

"Why so sad?" he asked as he noticed the doleful expression that encompassed my face. I decided that I wasn’t going to brush it off, that I’d tell him what was on my mind.

"I’m going to miss you Sam," I said woefully.

"Well, you could come to the games when I’m pitching and cheer me on," he suggested. I could see myself sitting in the stands wearing a mini skirt rooting for my boyfriend to strike the bums out.

"Maybe," I thought aloud.

"You’d better come when I pitch," he said finally and wrapped his arm firmly around my ever thinning waist. We arrived at school. Everyone was standing outside. Without a word, Sam ran off to join Billy and company. I stood there feeling a bit rejected, but I knew Sam was really excited at the prospect of playing ball for real.

"Goodbye Sam," I whispered to the wind.

I stood there alone waiting for the bell to ring. A brief wave of despair washed over me. I literally shook myself out of it as the bell rang and the throng made its way inside. "Boys," I muttered to myself as I entered the building and took my seat for home room. The announcement was made that we were to return to home room at 11:45 to receive our report cards. In previous years we’d been given them at the start of the day. That had led to too much disruption and more than a few disappearing students. I wasn’t anxious in the least about receiving my grades.

The classes that day really weren’t classes at all. It seemed we’d no sooner take our seats, attendance was taken, and the bell rang for us to move to the next class. The teachers didn’t even attempt to maintain order. The building was abuzz with laughter and tales of plans for the summer. I took Mom’s jewelry box and barely squeezed it into my empty back pack. Mr. Ferris came over and offered me an assortment of different grades of sandpaper. He also gave me the lacquer and cheesecloth I’d need to finish the job. "I expect you promptly at 9:00 AM on Monday morning," he told me and smiled. "Oh, and bring me a picture of your project when it’s finished," he added.

The rest of the morning was a blur. Soon I was back in homeroom waiting for Mrs. Pembroke to call my name so I could retrieve my report card. I went back to my seat and pulled the card out of its sleeve with great fanfare. I hadn’t received straight A’s. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I’d gotten a "B" in physical education. I almost laughed aloud at the absurdity of it all. The only reason I could imagine for that was my beaning of Billy a few weeks ago. I could see in my mind’s eye a line on my "permanent record" somewhere which read; "a good student but does not play well with others."

The final bell rang and chaos ensued. As we made our way out the door I found myself shouting to Darla, "Darla! Have you got a minute?"

"What’s up Joan?" she asked.

"I was wondering if I could come over later to discuss potential hair styles?" I asked her in as serious a voice as I could muster.

"We can do that in the morning," she replied.

"Please?" I begged.

"Well a few of the girls are coming over and we’re going to be swimming," she explained.

"Oh!" was all I was able to manage. I turned away hiding the tears that were building in my eyes.

"Would you like to come over too?" she asked me.

Feeling like the fifth wheel of a four wheeled vehicle I replied, "that’s ok, we can do it in the morning." She heard the sadness in my voice and begged me to come over later.

I really wanted to go over there again. I thought I’d made some good friends. Had I been deluding myself? I didn’t want to be anyone’s object of pity. Darla saw the resolve forming in my eyes.

"Please come Joan!" she exclaimed.

"Is 2:00 PM ok?" I found myself asking her.

"Perfect!" she replied and was off like a shot. Once again Sam was nowhere in sight as I exited the building. I wasn’t going to stand around waiting for him this afternoon. I walked home slowly. My spirit filled with a sea of turbulent emotions. Walking in the front door I announced to no one, "I’m home!" I was indeed feeling sorry for myself. Shandy, hearing my greeting came woofing gratefully at me. I almost felt guilty knowing that I hadn’t been calling her.

She wagged her tail maniacally as her front paws assaulted my knees. I dropped my bag and bent down to pet her. "How’s my favorite girl today?" I asked her playfully. I gave her some lunch and clean water. As she ate, I contemplated my own lunch. There was still a bit of chicken remaining so that’s what I had. Mom was right about my tuna casserole. I’d totally botched the dish. Maybe the dog would eat it, I thought and laughed to myself.

Lunch finished, I made my way up to my room. I was a girl with a mission. I put Mom’s jewelry box away. Hidden temporarily in the back of my closet. I donned my red skort and matching top. I then removed the skort as I couldn’t put my pantyhose on over it. "Whoops!" I thought laughing softly. I carefully made up my face. Putting on the eyeliner was perhaps the most difficult task. A very steady hand was required. I finished the look with a coat of my new lipstick. The dark pink really looked pretty against my tanned skin. I cleaned off my nails and went with the dark red polish. I had a bit of time and decided to do my toes as well. I smiled as I thought about running around Darla’s back yard in my new suit and painted extremities.

With fingers and toes dried, I considered my next actions. This was going to be the hard part. I opened my little fireproofed safe and began counting my money. All told I had $325 at the moment. I took $250 of it and put the rest away. I actually felt nervous holding that much money. I took the bills and tucked them safely into my purse. I packed a few towels and my new suit in my knapsack. I was going to look like a homeless person with all the baggage I’d be carrying around with me. I laughed at the image in my mind’s eye. I gave myself a stern glance and told myself, "you can do this," as I made my way downstairs and out the door.

As I made my way downtown I thought about what I was going to do. I took a deep breath and made my way into the bank. "Can I help you Miss?" a voice asked. I explained that I’d like to open an account. "You’ll have to see Mrs. Holley," the voice informed me and pointed me off in the proper direction. The elderly lady sat behind a huge wooden desk.

"Can I help you dear?" she asked me. I explained to her that I’d seen the sign in the window advertising free checking with no fees whatsoever and no minimum balance required. "What does a young girl like yourself need with a checking account?" she asked with genuine concern in her voice. I explained to her that I would be working this summer and wanted to keep my money in the bank.

She then suggested a savings account. "Can I get one of those cards to gain access to my money with a savings account?" I asked her. She appeared confused for a moment.

The light came on over her head as she replied, "No dear, I’m afraid not. For that you are going to need a checking account."

"Can you open one for me?" I asked her.

"How old are you dear?" she asked. I told her I’d just turned fifteen. It seemed that wasn’t good enough. You had to be 18 to open an account on your own. She told me that she’d begin the process of opening my account, but I’d have to return with a parent’s signature before I could gain access to my money. I didn’t think this was fair, but what could I do? I gave her my $250 and she gave me a receipt for my funds.

"I see you’re not quite fifteen," she said looking over my application. She eyed me suspiciously. I added a year, but didn’t lie about my birthday. My heart began to beat faster. "It’s all right dear," she informed me. "Just bring back that application card with your parent’s signature and we’ll order your ATM card for you. You seem like a very industrious young lady. Your parents must be very proud." I sat across from her turning several shades of red as she dismissed me. I considered forging my mother’s signature but finally decided that she wouldn’t give me a hard time about it. I can’t begin to explain the joy that I felt as I stared at my name on the receipt; "Joan Clara Johnson," it read. Yes, I’d taken my mother’s own first name as my middle one. I couldn’t very well keep my own middle name, could I? I thought about that and laughed as I made my way to Darla’s.

It was a few minutes after two when I arrived at the Raspberry home. "Joan!" Aunt Viv exclaimed. "I’m glad you could make it. The girls are out back. Why don’t you go upstairs and change?" she suggested. I felt strange wandering around the house alone. Still, I didn’t want to change in the bath house out back. I could see Sarah walking in on me as I put my breast forms in my bathing suit.

"Thanks Aunt Viv," I said and gave her a hug. "I’ll be down in a minute," I said as I raced up the stairs. I stared at myself in Darla’s full length mirror. I felt a bit anxious about the whole thing. "What would Joan do?" I thought and laughed again. Sometimes I thought that I laughed too much. I knew I’d forgotten something. No flip flops for me. Oh well, barefoot worked too.

Aunt Viv smiled at me as I made my way to the sliding glass doors. "I love your suit," she told me. I thanked her and smiled at her in return. Here goes nothing, I thought as I made my way into the backyard.

"Joan’s here!" Sally exclaimed as I made my way to the pool.

"You didn’t think you were going to get rid of me that easily?" I said with laughter in my voice. The other girls were already in the pool. I climbed the steps of the slide and pushed myself off quickly. I was surrounded by girls splashing water in my face as I rose to the surface. I attempted to fend them off, but they’d have none of it. I was the target of the moment. They giggled as they attempted to keep me from catching my breath. I inhaled as deeply as I could and dove under the water. Opening my eyes, I sought out a target of my own. There to my left, a pair of feet were firmly planted on the pool’s bottom. I maneuvered around and came up with my head between her legs. As I stood up I dumped her backwards over my shoulders.

I couldn’t have picked a worse target if I’d tried. Sarah came up gasping for air and the girls turned their splashing attentions on her. Better her than me, I thought and laughed along with them. I didn’t splash Sarah however. I’d save such actions for friends and friends only.

"Sorry Sarah!" I said. "I didn’t know it was you!" I tried again.

Sally emitted a shrill laugh as Sarah exclaimed "I’ll bet!" There were two new girls in attendance. Mary, I’d seen before at school. The other girl was a total mystery to me. Darla performed the introductions.

"Joan, you already know Mary. Mary was sick last week and couldn’t make it to the party. This other young lady is my cousin Dani. Dani’s staying with us for awhile. She lives in Florida!" Darla exclaimed as if the sunshine state was a far away and mysterious place. Apparently Darla had told Mary about me. Thankfully, she made no gender remarks.

"I guess we’re never going to get rid of you John," Sarah said with a touch of anger in her voice. Darla told her to just calm down. Since there were six of us, Darla suggested a game of volleyball. I thought back to the game last weekend. Thankfully Fran wasn’t here today, I thought and rubbed the bridge of my nose remembering the pain. We chose up sides. Darla and Sally were team captains. It was me, Sally, and Mary against Darla, Sarah, and Dani. The time simply flew by. Only Sarah seemed concerned with who was winning and who was losing. As best I could tell, it had been a draw.

"Darla, I’ve had a wonderful time, but I have to get going in a few minutes. Could I see you alone?" I asked pleadingly. She knew what I wanted to talk to her about. She told the other girls that she had to go inside for a few minutes but would return shortly. "Thanks Darl," I said to her warmly.

"If we don’t help each other out, then who will?" she replied. Toweled dry we sat at her kitchen table going over a book that seemed dedicated to various hair styles. "Knowing your face and your lifestyle, I’d suggest the following choices," she said pointing at several pictures.

"You don’t have a copying machine, do you?" I asked her. They had everything else, I thought they might have one of those too.

"Nope," she replied. "Just take the book with you. Be sure and bring it back tomorrow morning though, ok Joan?" she asked. I promised her that I would and made my way back upstairs to change. "Oh, by the way Joan," she said after me, "I love your new suit. Did you choose the red for me?" If I hadn’t been half way down the hall, I’d have punched her on the shoulder. I smiled at her and ran up to change.

Five minutes later I was on my way home. It was ten minutes to five when I arrived. I’d never have time to make dinner. I really liked being able to help out at home, but sometimes it just seemed so overwhelming. In a perfect world I’d be free to stay and play with the other girls. I didn’t even look at the menu posted on the refrigerator. Instead, I called the local pizza place and ordered a large cheese pie. I told them not to deliver it till six o’clock. I hoped Mom wouldn’t be annoyed with me. I had time to make salads. With just Mom and me, the pizza would last for two meals. I hated to spend my money this way, but saw no other way out. I found myself getting nervous about the evening’s pending events. I decided to tell Mom about the bank account tonight and get the signature card back to the bank in the morning. Then for some reason, I found myself wondering what Sam was doing?

In some ways we were closer than ever, yet in other ways it seemed we were further apart. I guess I relied on him more than I’d realized. Just as I was thinking about him, he called.

"Joan?" he asked.

"What’s up Sam?" I asked in return. "I just wanted to know if you were up for a trip to the beach in the morning," he said.

"Sorry Sam, I can’t go in the morning. I’m going to get a hair cut," I told him. I didn’t want to tell him about my appointment at the hairdresser’s. I wanted it to be a surprise.

"Well, can’t you get it cut another time? You’ve got all summer."

"Sam, Mom made this appointment for me," I said without further explanation. "I’ll call you as soon as I get home. I should be home around lunch time," I said vaguely.

"You’re still going to that meeting tonight?" he asked.

I laughed nervously before responding ,"yeah Sam, I am."

"Well, you can tell me all about it tomorrow then," he suggested.

"Are you sure you don’t want to come with me tonight?" I asked again. He seemed as if he wanted to come, but wasn’t ready to commit to anything. After a few moments of total silence I said, "it’s all right Sam. And, of course I’ll tell you all about the meeting tomorrow! Wish me luck?" I begged.

"Good or bad?" he wanted to know.

"Ha Ha," I said sardonically. "OK Sam, I’ll call you tomorrow when I get home then?" I asked him unable to think of anything else to say.

"I love you Joan," he said out of nowhere.

"Thanks Sam, I really needed to hear that," and I did. "I love you too Sam, always," and with that I hung up the phone.

Well, we weren’t going to have the scheduled spaghetti and meat balls for dinner, but at least I was keeping with the italian theme. I figured I’d use the ground beef on the grill tomorrow. It would be my first experience cooking with charcoal. How hard could it be? Mom arrived and I served up her gin and tonic. "I don’t smell your delicious meatballs cooking?" Mom said inquisitively.

"Sorry Mom, I got caught up at Darla’s this afternoon and didn’t have time to cook. Our food should be arriving shortly."

"It’s not so easy running a household, is it Missy?" she said to me. I laughed at that and told her I thought I was doing a fine job. She laughed with me in agreement.

While waiting for the pizza to arrive, I ran up to my bedroom and sighed as I removed another $15 from my dwindling reserves. I reminded myself that I hadn’t spent all my money, I’d just put it in the bank. I couldn’t wait to get my ATM card with my "real" name embossed in the plastic. For that to happen, I was going to have to talk to Mom, and soon! The doorbell rang just as I was returning downstairs. I got to the front door before Mom could and paid for the pizza. I knew she’d have paid for it if I’d stayed upstairs a while longer. This was going to be my treat. It was after all my mistake, I thought as I exchanged 3/4ths of my weekly allowance for one evening’s meal. I carried the box into the kitchen with a smile on my face. The satisfactory smile of one who "provides" for her family.

Thankfully, Mom had set out the salad while I’d been upstairs. "Thanks for helping out Mom," I told her.

"Thanks for dinner," Mom said and came over to give me a hug. We sat there eating for a bit when I told Mom about my new bank account. "But you already have a savings account at First Federal?" she stated obliquely.

"Mom, I need a debit card. There are times I want to buy something and don’t have the money with me. I’m not going to start carrying large amounts of cash in my purse," I said with determination.

"Large amounts of cash?" she inquired. "Just what are you planning on buying, Joan?"

"Mom, can you just help me out here? It’s not going to cost you anything," I promised.

Finally, she relented. Her face broke into a huge smile as she saw my application form. "So, you’re going to be 15 in a few weeks? Did I miss a year somewhere? And, your middle name is "Clara?"" she asked and began laughing.

"Thanks Mom," I said as she took her pen and signed the signature cards, handing them back to me upon completion.

"You know, if you didn’t have a job this summer, I wouldn’t have done this," she said. I couldn’t imagine what difference that made, but I simply smiled in response.

At length I said, "I know Mom, and thanks again."

"No problem JC," she said and laughed. "I’m so proud of you Joan," she said and smiled at me.

"I love you Mom," I replied solemnly.

Changing the subject she said, "So, what are you going to wear this evening? I don’t think you should wear your skort, do you?" she asked me. Being Joan was becoming a simple matter of fact for me anymore. I’d totally forgotten how I was dressed.

"I’ve given that a bit of thought," I replied. "I thought perhaps my new jeans with a non-descript tee shirt and my new sneakers?" Mom thought that my proposed outfit sounded just about perfect. I would be appearing "en femme" but not over the top in that regard. I found the entire prospect more daunting than simply going out in public. No one ever questioned my gender when I appeared anywhere as Joan. Tonight, everyone would know that I was something else entirely. I wasn’t too happy about that prospect.

As the time grew nearer to leave, I found myself having more and more doubts about my decision to attend the meeting. "Mom, I’m not sure I feel too good," I said lamely. She smiled at me knowingly and told me to go freshen my lipstick and spray myself with some perfume. It was time to go. I ran upstairs into my bathroom and almost did my best impression of someone suffering from bulimia. I sat on the commode and took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. Why was I having such a hard time with this? I should be happy! I should be excited! I was off to meet other teens like myself! That was it in a nutshell. I didn’t think I was at all "weird" as I assumed the others must be. I was a normal healthy teen-aged --- what?

OK, so I was at least as weird as everyone and anyone I would meet. Did that mean I was ready to face them in this way? No, it didn’t. I adjusted my breast forms, yeah, I was going to wear them and put on a fresh coat of the neutral colored lipstick (Darla’s mauve). I gave myself a pep talk while staring at my reflection in the mirror. "Joan," I reminded myself, "if you feel uncomfortable this evening, you can just leave. Simply tell Mom you made a mistake in coming." OK, so I felt a little weird talking to myself in the mirror. Still, it did help to calm me down.

"OK Mom, I’m ready!" I said as I treaded lightly down the stairs.

"Well, let’s get this over with," she said. We both chuckled nervously. I wasn’t sure which one of us was more distraught. "Joan, we can stop by the bank in the morning on the way to your hair appointment."

"Oh Mom, I almost forgot, Darla’s coming with us in the morning. That’s all right, isn’t it?"

"Of course it is dear. "Your Aunt Viv said you were making something for her?" Damn, I’d forgotten all about Mom’s jewelry box hidden in the back of my closet.

"Yes Mom, I am going to make something for her. In fact, I’ll show you just what when we get home." Thinking of the jewelry box helped distract me as we made our way to the meeting.

We pulled into the parking lot and Mom found a spot not too far away from the entrance. The meeting was taking place in some kind of non-denominational church’s multi-purpose room. I wasn’t sure what persuasion it was (as gods go), and anyway, it didn’t really matter. There weren’t too many cars there. I sat there next to Mom and began weeping softly.

"Joan, you’re a big girl now," Mom said in a comforting tone. A month ago I’d have told Dad to have her committed if she’d made such a statement. So much in my life had changed in such a short period of time. Mom squeezed my hand tightly and simply said, "let’s go." I felt like a condemned prisoner walking that last mile. I had no idea what to expect. I was scared out of my wits. I could watch the most horrific films without offering up a twitch, yet here I was trembling as we made our way into the building.

"Come on Joan," Mom said impatiently. My feet felt glued to the pavement. It was far easier to be brave in theory as opposed to fact. This is what you need to do, I reminded myself. I held Mom’s hand tightly as we made our way inside. There was a small table set up in the foyer with two "normal" looking teens sitting behind a folding table.

"Are you here for the TG meeting?" a girl named Alison asked us. I stood there unable to speak. I felt like that "deaf, dumb, and blind kid," but I couldn’t play pinball worth a lick. Thankfully Mom handled the introductions and we were told to make our way inside. We entered the long rectangular room and sat in the folding chairs provided. I found myself unabashedly surveying the crowd. I didn’t recognize anyone, or did I? No, it couldn’t be?

I made my excuses to Mom who was sitting next to me and told her I needed to use the ladies’. She smiled at me in understanding and told me to take my purse. I took my bag and headed for the familiar face. It couldn’t be, could it, I thought again? As I neared she smiled up at me.

"Did my mother put you up to this?" I asked her.

"No Joan, she didn’t," Darla replied. It reminded me of the time I found out that Santa wasn’t real. I knew that he wasn’t. The Easter Bunny told me so.

"What are you doing here Darla?" I asked her.

"The same thing you are Joan," she replied. I could see that she was about to break down. I was ready for the intensive care unit myself. We grabbed hold of one another and the tears began to flow.

"Maybe now you understand me a bit better?" she said. My mind was in a whirl. At the moment, I’d have believed her if she’d told me that the moon was in fact made of green cheese.

"Oh Darla!" I exclaimed. I couldn’t begin to explain it but everything just made so much more sense now. Somehow, my love for her grew. I needed to talk to her then and there. Mom was waiting for me back at our seats. The meeting was about to come to order. I ran back to our seats and told Mom I had to go outside for a few minutes. I assured her that I was fine and asked her to fill me in when I returned. I can’t remember Mom ever being so understanding.

"Go Joan," was all she said.

I made my way back to Darla. "Come on sister," I said to her. "We have to talk." She picked up her purse and we made our way outside. A million questions entered my head simultaneously. The first one out of my mouth was, "does anyone else know?"

"Not a soul Joan, not a soul," she said in a way to let me know that this was "our secret" and ours alone. "I need a smoke," she said and removed a package of cigarettes from her purse. The evening just had layer of surprise on top of surprise.

"You don’t have one for me?" I asked her before she could put the pack away. She looked at me in bewilderment before an understanding look embraced her. She offered me one of her cigarettes.

My second experience with tobacco in as many days. Was I becoming an addict? I laughed at the absurdity of my thoughts but knew that the repeated behavior would take its toll. Darla lit her cigarette with practiced ease. She held her lighter out to me. She looked at me as if daring me to complete the act. I held the cigarette to my lips and dipped my head in towards the flame. I couldn’t help coughing as I completed the task. She laughed.

"A real smoker, are you?"

"I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore," I replied. At that, her laughter exploded. I joined her and we sat on the curb laughing like a couple of maniacs! It took a few minutes before we could calm down enough to resume our conversation.

She inhaled deeply. This was obviously not something she started doing yesterday. She eyed me expectantly waiting for me to do the same. I tried. I coughed violently. She laughed at me. "It’s ok Joan, you don’t have to smoke to be my friend," she said as she took another hit off of the slender tube.

"I’ve got a million questions for you," I assured her. "When, where, why, and how top the list. I already know who and what," I said laughing.

"Take a bit of the smoke into your lungs," she urged. "It won’t kill you." So, this was the price I’d have to pay to hear her story. "No one knows how to smoke anymore," she said sadly.

"And that’s a bad thing because?" I asked her and my voice trailed off.

"Never mind," she replied.

"OK, in answer to your questions," and she began telling her story. "Well, they are good questions but somewhat out of order." She looked over at me and wouldn’t continue till I sucked a bit more of the foul weed. "That a girl," she said and laughed. "The first question should be why," she continued. "I was ten years old. We were in a horrible car accident. I was in the back seat and not wearing a seat belt. I awoke three days later as Darla. I was born Darin. You can’t begin to imagine what it was like. My whole world had been yanked away from me." I sat there listening to her story and puffing on the cigarette. I’d forgotten totally about the discomfort it was causing me. "So, you now know the when, and why. The how and where are not important," she informed me. She shuddered a bit and I hugged her close.

"Darla, I’m so sorry," was all I could think to say.

"It’s all right Joan. My life is a good one. It always has been. She hugged me in return. "You have arrived "here" from a very different place," she said matter of factly. "Still, my parents knew that I wouldn’t be opposed to the transition. I guess but for that piece of equipment, I’ve always been Darla. If not for the accident, however, I’m not sure I’d be who I am today. Why don’t you tell me your story?" she asked. My story? Did I really have a story to tell, I wondered? It all sounded far more exotic the way she said it than it actually was. OK, it was time for total honesty.

"Darl," I began "Joan was awakened within me just a few short weeks ago. You were there for her birth, in a sense. I’ve always known that I was "different", but didn’t realize just how different until recently." At that she took another cigarette and lit it. She offered her pack to me. I shook her off. A moment later I realized it was not an offer, but a demand. Once again we sat there with lit embers extending from our fingers.

"I’m having a bit of a hard time with this," I told her. She told me that she thought I was adjusting just fine. "That’s not what I meant Darla" I told her sternly. She laughed at my response.

"Are you sure Joan? You looked pretty hot to me sashaying about the mall in your high heels," she said and began laughing. I probably shouldn’t have and yes, I was cheating on Sam, but I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her deeply. This girl that had betrayed me less than a week ago responded to me with a passion I’d never experienced before. "I’ll always love you Joan," she said somewhat wistfully. In a way that I still can’t describe, I felt the same.

"Thanks Darla," I said and kissed her again.

"I guess we should go back inside… You’ve left Aunt Joan sitting there on her own for an awfully long time now," she told me. Who the hell was Aunt Joan, I wondered before I realized she was talking about my mother.

"Darla," I whispered, "I am in complete awe of you," I finished.

"I know you are Joan," she replied. "Don’t worry, it will pass," she said sadly. I’d never known anyone like her before. I doubted there was anyone else like her in the universe. My mind was awash in thoughts. My spirit swirled in a sea of turbulent emotions. I was in love with Sam, but somehow, I felt closer to Darla.

We made our way back to our seats. "Joan Johnson?" a voice called out.

"Here!" I responded. My response was greeted with laughter. Apparently attendance was not being taken. It was time for me to be acknowledged and explain just why I was there. I gave a brief synopsis of my life’s story and thanked those in attendance for welcoming me into their group. The girls actually clapped when I finished. Mom beamed with pride. I must have done something right, I thought. A few more words were said and the meeting wound down to a close. As it ended, Peter told us all that he hoped he’d see us two weeks hence. Not entirely sure just what had occurred, I gave my solemn promise that I’d be there.

Mom and I made our way back to her car. "You knew about Darla, didn’t you?" I asked her.

She smiled and replied, "what makes you think that?"

"This is no time to be coy with me," I said directly.

"OK Joan, I knew. Do you feel better now?" she asked. I remembered uttering those same words to Sam a few weeks ago as he stood there pummeling my face.

"No Mom, I don’t feel better now," I told her. "How could you know that and not tell me?" I said with feelings of total betrayal. I knew that Darla herself was responsible for more than a few of my feelings. Still, Mom was the one sitting beside me at the moment.

"Mom?" I asked again.

"What do you want me to tell you?" she asked as she continued driving.

"Just the truth, Mom," I said. She started laughing.

"The truth? You can’t handle the truth." She said and began laughing insanely. I had no idea what she was going on about.

"OK Mom," I said sternly, "never mind." At that she seemed to calm down and thankfully we arrived home safely. I ran inside and was greeted by Shandy. She seemed to be the one constant, sane thing in my life. "I love you girl," I whispered as I hugged and scratched her fur. She jumped up and beckoned me to let her out. I did and waited for her to return. Moments later she was back inside licking me all about my face. Sometimes I thought, life would be so much easier if I’d been born a dog.

"Thanks Mom for taking me to the meeting," I said. "No, wait. Thanks Mom for everything," I said more appropriately. My mind was a blur with all that I’d learned this evening.

"Hang on a second Joan," Mom said. "I can tell that you intend to run up to your room now. I believe you had something you wanted to show me?" she said. What was she going on about now, I wondered? I honestly had no clue what she was talking about. Finally she reminded me about my plans to make something for Aunt Vivian. I laughed heartily as a feeling of relief washed over me

"Just a minute Mom, I’ll be right back!" I exclaimed and ran up the stairs to my room to retrieve her jewelry box. I dug it out of the closet. Damn, I’d wanted to present it to her finished and gift-wrapped. Oh well, there was no time for that now. I grabbed a bath towel as a poor alternative and wrapped the box with it. It would have to do.

I carried it down the stairs as one would a gift for a queen. Arms outstretched with the box across them. "What’s this?" Mom said as I made my way into the living room.

"This," I replied, "Is what Aunt Viv wants me to make for her." She eyed the towel carefully.

"Well, are you going to unveil your creation?"

"Yes Mom, I am. But, before I do, I wanted to tell you that it’s not finished yet. I still have to apply several coats of lacquer finish to it." I figured that I’d built the drama high enough. I placed the box on the coffee table. "Go ahead Mom, open it." Perhaps I’d led her to believe it was more impressive than it actually was? She looked from the box, to me, then back again. She gently removed the towel.

"Oh Joan!" she exclaimed. "It’s beautiful! What is it?" she asked and started laughing. Mom could be an expert tease when she wanted to be. She sat there and lifted up the piano hinged top and examined herself in the beveled edged mirror glued to the inside. She then began opening the tiny drawers. "I’m sure Vivian is going to love this," she said.

"No Mom, she won’t." Her expression asked, "why not?" "Mom, this box is for you," I said softly. Her eyes literally danced with joy.

"Oh thank you sweetheart! It’s the nicest gift I’ve ever received." I knew she had received many nice things along the way, but I was grateful for her sentiments.

"So, you made this in your shop class?"

"Yes Mom. Mr. Ferris was so impressed with my work that he offered me a summer position working with him. I love the feel of a raw piece of wood in my hands, knowing that I have the ability to fashion it into something truly unique and beautiful." I was in no way humble about my abilities. "You missed the secret drawer Mom," I told her. There was a thin drawer extending the length of the box with no handles on it. To open it you had to grab the edges by the sides and slide it forward. She gave me an inquisitive look asking why I’d devised a "secret drawer."

"Cause we girls have our secrets," I told her. She smiled knowingly at me. "Well, open it!" I commanded. She grabbed the edges and slid the thin layered drawer open. Hidden inside was my final report card.

"What’s this?" she asked, knowing full well what it was. She picked it up and asked me if she was going to be needing a drink before looking at it. We both shared a laugh. Mom eyed my grades carefully. This was indeed the best report card I’d ever received, even with the "B" in physical education. "Oh Joan, you’ve made me so proud!" she exclaimed and hugged me to her breast. I beamed at her with joy. All the forces of the universe seemed to collide for just that brief moment as we sat there hugging and exchanging tears of joy. "You’d better be getting up to bed young lady," she informed me. "You’ve got a busy day ahead of you." I released myself from her embrace and made my way upstairs.

I sat at my desk staring at the myriad of hairstyles in the book that Darla had given me. My hair was long enough to accommodate a lot of them. There were a few that I really liked, but they looked like high maintenance. It was late, closing in on 11:00 PM. Still, I knew what I had to do. I picked up the phone and called her. "Darla?" I whispered as she answered.

"Yes?" she said not recognizing my voice.

"We really are sisters, aren’t we?" My voice expressed the heart felt gratitude for all that she’d done for me. I could see her smile through the phone wires.

"Yes Joan, we are. Now go and get some sleep!" she demanded. "We’ve got a busy day ahead of us tomorrow sister," she said and kissed me gently through the phone before hanging up.

I sat there for the longest time with a huge smile on my face before getting ready for bed. Tomorrow was indeed going to be a busy day…

Notes:

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Synopsis:

As Book One finally draws to a close, Joan has her first visit to the beauty parlor. Joan and Sam's relationship deepens as the story continues to unfold...

Story:

Chapter 23

Let’s Spend The Night Together

No need for an alarm this morning. Saturday had finally arrived. Based on everything I’d already done, I had no idea why I was so excited about getting my hair styled. I guess in a sense it expressed my commitment to being Joan. I made my way to the bathroom and showered carefully. The razor quickly removed the bit of stubble from my legs and the few stray hairs in my arm pits. Thankfully, I still had my beautiful baby face and no shaving was required.

I couldn’t believe it was only 7:00 AM as I looked at my alarm clock. I decided to get a head start on the laundry and made the trip to the basement with a basket full of clothes. A whining Shandy interrupted me on my journey and I let her out. She’d rarely let me pass by without making some sort of request on my time. I gave her a hug before releasing her into the back yard. It was time to choose an outfit. I wanted to look my prettiest. Still, I wasn’t going to wear my new pink dress. That would have been way over the top. I hesitated for a moment before selecting my blue pleated skirt. I hoped Darla wouldn’t think I was copying her. This was not a morning for dressing casual. To be taken seriously, I was going to have to wear my high heels as well. It was closing in on 8:00AM before I had everything sorted.

Time to wake up Mom! I figured if we were going to stop at the bank before picking up Darla, we’d better get a move on. "Mom! Time to wake up!" I roused her from her slumber.

"Leave me alone!" she screamed. "It’s Saturday!"

"Yes Mom, it’s Saturday and I’ve got an appointment at the beauty parlor, remember?" I said hoping that it would be enough to rouse her. She shook herself awake and headed downstairs. Damn! I’d forgotten to put on the coffee. She sat at the table and seemed lost to the world. I started a fresh pot and ran down to the basement to put the clothes in the dryer. When I arrived in the kitchen Mom was still sitting at the table staring off into space.

Thank god for the stop and serve feature on the coffee pot! I poured her a cup and delivered it to her waiting hands. "Mom, you enjoy your coffee. I’m going upstairs to get dressed" I told her firmly. Back in my room I got dressed in record time. I was really starting to get the hang of this. I found myself thinking of ways to spend money that I’d not yet earned. New earrings were at the top of my list. I sprayed myself liberally with cool water before making my way daintily down the stairs in my high heels. I think it was my appearance more than the jolt of caffeine and nicotine that finally awoke her.

"You look nice Joan," was all she said.

"Thanks Mom, but you’d better hurry or we’re going to be late! Remember, we have to stop at the bank before picking up Darla." I was anxious to get my new bank account under way.

She finally lightened up a bit and offered me a chuckle. "All right already! Message received!" She arose from the table and made her way up to her shower. While I waited for her, I found myself going over the hairstyle choices again. I found the entire prospect exhilarating! I made my bed and placed the bears on top of my pillow. I then sadly remembered my promise to give Jola back to Darla. I hugged her tightly and gave her a kiss on her forehead. "I’m gonna miss you girl," I said to her. I hoped Darla really appreciated this. It seemed more than a bit strange that I’d become so attached to an inanimate object.

At precisely 9:00 AM Mom came down the stairs and asked me if I was ready to go. A certain nervous tension was building in the pit of my stomach. "I’m ready," I said and grabbed my bag and the teddy bear. I chose not to consider the consequences of my actions as we made our way to the bank. I took the signature cards and made my way inside promising Mom that I’d only be a minute. Mrs. Holley smiled at me as I approached her desk. I handed her the cards and she eyed me suspiciously. Did I look like a bank robber or something?

"My Mom’s waiting in the car," I informed her without being asked. "I have an appointment at the beauty parlor in a few minutes. Is there anything else you need?" I asked impatiently. Mrs. Holley glanced out the window to see that Mom was indeed waiting in the car for me. It seemed the old lady didn’t trust me!

"No dear, that will be all. You should receive your ATM card in the mail in the next week or so."

"Thanks Mrs. Holley," I said with a bit too much enthusiasm. I walked slowly out of the bank.

"You were in there for an awfully long time," Mom said as I returned.

"Grown ups," I replied and laughed. I was surprised to find that Mom knew exactly what I was talking about.

"Well, let’s go pick up your friend and get this show on the road," she said as we pulled out of the parking lot. We arrived at Darla’s home with a few minutes to spare. I hated to be late for anything. That was one generally male characteristic that I refused to give up, I thought and laughed again. I took Jola from the back seat and carried her tenderly to Darla’s front door. I rang the bell and waited.

Aunt Viv answered and said, "Oh my! You look adorable." I blushed a bit and thanked her. She looked me over a little more carefully before asking me if I’d borrowed my skirt from Darla. I laughed and told her that it was all mine.

Darla finally came down wearing jeans and sneakers with a pretty white lace top. "Come on Darl!" we’re going to be late!" I urged her. I’d totally forgotten about Jola, though I was holding her in my hands.

"I was wondering if you were ever going to give her back to me." She reached out gingerly to accept Jola in her arms. I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about the poor little bear again. "Mom, is it ok if I leave the teddy bear downstairs till later?" she asked.

"Of course dear," her mother replied.

"Did you decide how you wanted your hair cut?" she asked me.

"I’ve got a few ideas," I told her as we made our way to the car. Aunt Viv ran out and insisted that Mom and I stop back when it was all over.

"So, are you ready to do this sister of mine?" Darla asked me. I didn’t want to think about it too much. I was afraid that I’d chicken out. We finally arrived at the strip mall where the Hairport was located. Sure I’d been to unisex salons before, but never anything quite like this. From all I could see, male customers were few and far between. Mom walked up to the counter and announced our arrival. The receptionist told her that Mindy would be with us shortly.

"I hope you appreciate that I made this appointment with Mindy specifically," Mom informed me. I didn’t think it was all that important just who did the job, though I could remember having received a few bad haircuts along the way.

"I hope she knows what she’s doing," I said and laughed hesitantly.

A few minutes later Mindy arrived and greeted us. "You must be Joan," she said as she greeted Darla. Somehow, I thought that didn’t bode well for the experience. Mindy laughed and then looked from Mom to me and back again. "Yes, of course! I can see the resemblance." That calmed me down a bit. I tentatively took a seat as requested. She spun the chair around and tilted it backwards.

"Wait, I just washed my hair this morning."

"I can see that Joan," she said. "That’s why I’m going to do it again; only properly this time." I had no idea that there was a wrong way to wash one’s hair. In fact, I still don’t get that one. My hair hung a few inches below my ears, not quite touching my shoulders.

"Tell me about your lifestyle," she asked as she gently massaged my scalp. I took that as a good sign. She wanted to know what I expected from a haircut. I told her of my desire for a feminine but easy to care for hairstyle. She laughed and replied, "if only it were that easy." Meanwhile Mom and Darla sat chatting, looking at magazines and sipping house coffee. I began to feel guilty about dragging Darla down here for this.

"I’ve got a book and picked out a few hairstyles that I thought might work," I told her meekly.

"Do you trust me Joan?" she asked. I looked over to Mom for some guidance with that one. Mom simply bobbed her head up and down.

"I guess?" I replied warily.

"Well sweetie, for this to work, you’re going to have to trust me," she said and laughed. She pulled my hair back tight and began examining my face. She moved her head from side to side as if my head was crooked or something. "Who’s been cutting your hair dear, the butcher?" she asked me and laughed again. I was about ready to rip the smock off and storm out of there. She read the look and told me to just relax and calm down. "Joan, I could tell you step by step what I’m going to do, but you wouldn’t understand it anyway. What say you just let me do my job?" Mom and Darla just continued chatting away in the background. Again I thought to myself that if worse came to worst, I could always shave my head. I laughed at my own insane thoughts. Mindy took that as a sign of submission and placed a plastic cap on my head.

She purposefully kept my eyes from the mirror. "I don’t want you looking until I’m finished!"

"OK, but please remember: pretty, simple, and easy to care for?" I said pleadingly. She laughed again and went to work. My head was bathed in foul smelling chemicals. Why is she putting chemicals on my head to cut my hair, I wondered? I considered asking her, but I knew she’d be insulted and this person would be responsible for the way I looked for some time to come. I sat there silently.

"So, are you dating yet sweetie? I’ll bet a girl as pretty as you is breaking all the boys’ hearts," she finished. Darla heard her remark and started laughing. She then whispered something to Mom and she began laughing as well. What was going on here?

Fortunately, Mindy’s comments were of a rhetorical nature and a response from me was not required. I was grateful for that, cause I have no idea what I would have told her. Sorry Mindy, I’m not into boys. I laughed at the thought and she swatted my head and told me to keep still.

"Your nails are very pretty," she told me. "Do you care for them yourself?" I decided in an attempt to keep her happy to provide a response.

"Yes, I do, and thank you!" I told her sincerely.

"Have you ever thought about extensions?" she asked.

"For what, my hair?" I said. She laughed again.

"No silly, for your fingernails." Now I was getting worried again. I’d told her about my summer job. I could see myself attempting to sand wood with fingernails that resembled talons. I reminded her of my summer position. She wondered why a pretty girl such as myself would spend her summer working with wood. I felt like asking her why she spent her life working with hair, but my future appearance hung in the balance.

"Ok sweetie, now look at me!" I did. "You’ve never done anything with these eyebrows, have you?" she asked as she attacked the hair follicles above my eyes.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed.

"Don’t be a baby," she insisted. "Now just hold still!"

"I like them bushy!" I told her hopefully. "Who’s the stylist here?" she asked me. "Just be quiet and think happy thoughts." The only happy thought I had at the moment was escaping her chair. Funny how something as simple as the tweezing of a hair can bring one back to reality. What was I doing here? All right, I wanted to look pretty, but this was starting to overwhelm me. Five minutes later she was finished with my brows. I tried counting the individual number of pulls, but soon lost count. Besides, that seemed to make it hurt even more.

She took my face in her hands. "Let me look at you," she said. Let her look at me? What had she been doing for the past hour and a half? She smiled at her creation and asked me if I was ready to take a look. Mom and Darla came over with ear to ear smiles glued on their faces. Instead of reassuring me, their smiles made me all the more nervous.

"Mindy, you’ve outdone yourself," Mom said to her. Darla took my right hand in both of hers and squeezed it tightly. That too made me nervous. It seemed to herald a substantial change in my appearance. I was curious, but in a way, I didn’t even want to look. I was definitely on overload.

"OK Joan, here we go!" she exclaimed as she spun the chair around to face the mirror.
"Oh My God!" escaped unintentionally from my lips. Was that really me in the mirror? It couldn’t be? I twisted my face all out of shape. The young lady in the mirror did the same in return.

"No one will doubt that you’re a girl now," Mindy said. She knew! I was totally mortified! "It’s all right honey, but you do have a slight Adam’s apple. It’s not really noticeable till you stretch your head all the way back," she said. Great! I thought. I wasn’t fooling anyone except myself. Why had she said that to me? Her comments sent me into a tail spin. We’re going down, I thought to myself.

"Earth to Joan," Darla implored. My mind arrived back on the scene just as Darla was about to smack me. "I wouldn’t have hurt you Joan," Darla said sheepishly. "I just thought you were going into a state of shock," she said and giggled. She was right about that.

"Well, what do you think?" I found myself trying to form words. Here I was wearing a bra, a pleated skirt, pantyhose, and three inch heels. Yet, I was more concerned about what had been done to my hair. Life was indeed strange. A sudden thought occurred to me. What if Dad saw me now? I quickly pushed that particular thought out of my head.

"I think I look beautiful," I said in an awestruck tone.

"Then there’s nothing wrong with your eyes sweetheart," Mom said knowingly. My hair was parted just off center. Blond highlights shone throughout. It was cut in a way that leant to a natural inward curve at the bottom.

"Sweetie, let me show you how to use a curling iron. That curve on the bottom isn’t going to take care of itself," said Mindy as she anticipated my thoughts.

There was no way in hell I could disguise this cut for anything other than what it was: a girl’s hair style. Part of me was elated. Another part was terrified. I just wanted to run and hide. After careful examination, I realized it was the delicate arch of my eyebrows more than anything else that defined the overall look.

"Do you love it?" Mindy asked me. She couldn’t do me any further harm.

Still, I found myself replying, "Yes, I do. Thank you!" Her look told me that she never expected any other response. "Do we have a curling iron Mom?" I asked as we made our way to the front desk to pay the bill. Mom laughed at that and told me that we’d pick one up on the way home.

It was totally unexpected, but Darla held my hand as we walked back to the car. "Are you alright Joan?" she asked me. I honestly wasn’t sure. What could I say? I’d asked for this. At least, I thought I’d asked for this? Why was I so confused? A soft calm settled over me.

"Yeah Darla, I’m fine," I said and meant it. She could tell by the tone of my voice that I was sincere and she heaved a sigh of relief. Mom missed the entire thing. She just assumed that I should be ecstatic with the results. We stopped at the pharmacy on the way home. Mom told us kids to wait in the car. I think she was afraid that I’d want something else. I didn’t want to think about how much the trip to the Hairport had cost. I only knew that it hadn’t been cheap.

She came back with her purchase. "Darla, can you show Joan how this works?" Mom asked her as she handed her the iron.

"No problem, Aunt Joan," Darla informed her. I found it hard to believe that Darla had ever been anything other than what she seemed: a beautiful young girl. She must have had serious feminine tendencies before the accident which claimed her manhood.

We arrived back at Darla’s just after noon. I remembered my promise to call Sam when I got home. I didn’t know how long we were going to be at Aunt Viv’s, but I decided not to say anything for the moment. "Come on Joan, let me show you how that thing works," Darla said as Mom and Aunt Viv became engaged in chat. She held my hand again as we ascended the staircase. I thought back and remembered the first time she’d done that. It seemed like years ago. She looked at me and smiled. Somehow I figured that she’d had the same thoughts as well.

"Joan, you really are a knockout!" she said to me.

"That was never my goal," I informed her sincerely.

She laughed at that and muttered, "yeah, right. Just stay away from Sarah!" I laughed at that and told her she had no worries in that department. She laughed with me.

She filled the slender tube with water and plugged it in. As it began to yield steam she showed me how it worked. I took it from her hand and tried it out. It was a no brainer. I would be able to style my hair quickly and easily. "Thanks Darla," I said.

"You really picked up walking in heels quickly," she told me. "Maybe you should try out for the cheer leading squad?" she teased.

"Me, a cheerleader? I don’t think so," I said and we both laughed.

"Your boyfriend’s going to love your new look," she said knowingly. How did she know I was thinking about Sam, I wondered?

"Am I that transparent?" I asked her.

"It’s all right Joan," she said and wrapped her arms around me. Next thing I knew she was kissing me passionately. Why was I so drawn to her?

"Darla wait!" I exclaimed. She stopped and looked at me as if I’d beat her with a stick. "Why don’t you go and retrieve Jola from the foyer?" I suggested trying to get her mind off of her hurt.

She walked out of the room with her head hung low. "Darla wait!" I said again. She simply continued walking. I ran to her and spun her around. "Darla, don’t do this to me," I begged. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her even closer.

"Oh Joan," she sighed. She began crying softly in my arms.

"I’m sorry Darla," I said hoping she’d understand what I meant.

"It’s all right Joan," she replied and hugged me even tighter.

"I thought we were sisters?" I said and chuckled softly. She considered the absurdity of the situation and laughed along with me. "I do love you, you know, you silly goose," I said to her with a mixture of passion and sincerity.

I just wanted to make everything "right" for her. I knew that I couldn’t, but would do my damnedest to try. I held her as she continued weeping softly in my arms.

"Let’s go get Jola and bring her up here," she said at last. I’d have done anything at that moment to make her happy. Her simple request made it easy for me. We walked hand in hand down the staircase and retrieved the teddy bear who sat quietly in a chair waiting for us. "Thanks Joan for returning her to me," she said. If I’d known how much this simple toy had meant to her, I’d never have kept it for my own. I felt guilty for putting my own needs above another’s.

"I’m just glad that she’s back where she belongs," I said with heart-felt sincerity.

She held my hand and we walked into the kitchen. Mom and Aunt Vivian were still engaged in conversation. The room was filled with smoke. "You guys are going to set off the smoke alarm," I said and laughed.

Aunt Viv said, "Joan, let me get a look at you!" "Wow!" was all she had to say. A look of pride shone on Mom’s face.

"Thanks Aunt Viv," I said sheepishly. She smiled at me and insisted that Darla and I join them. Grateful to avoid more awkward moments with my "sister", I gladly complied. Darla poured a cup of coffee for each of us before sitting down at the table. She took one of her mother’s cigarettes and lit it as a matter of course. I sat there stunned at her behavior. Darla laughed aloud.

"Joan, after what’s already happened to me, I doubt that a cigarette’s going to make a difference," she said and exhaled a plume of smoke.

It wasn’t so much that she was smoking, but that she was doing it in front of our parents! Had we some how stepped into the land of Oz? She sat there puffing away and held the pack out to me. Hey sister, if this is what you want to do, good for you. Just don’t include me in your insanity, my look told her. She laughed in reply and removed another cigarette from the pack, lit it and handed it to me. Fine! I accepted her offering and held it in my hand. Maybe now she’d stop? My mother looked at me as if she had no clue as to what was going on. Aunt Vivian just sat there and watched the show with her eyes dancing about in merriment.

Darla inhaled deeply and urged me to do the same. I held the tube at arms length. "Joan!" she said sternly as smoke bellowed from her nose.

I laughed at her appearance and replied, "Yes Darla?" as if I had no idea what she was going on about.

Suddenly, out of nowhere my mother’s voice sounded. "It’s all right sweetheart," she said to me. The look of laugher never left Aunt Viv’s face. I just wanted to scream for HELP! But I knew that none would be forthcoming. I tuned all of them out as the cigarette continued to burn in my extended fingers.

"Joan, it’s all right," Darla said. What’s all right, I thought? Nothing’s all right! Get me out of here! Why were they all doing this to me? Was this some kind of test? Was I passing, or failing? Did I even care? I placed the cigarette in the ashtray and began pinching one arm with the other. A futile project that I’d attempted more than once before.

The cigarette continued to burn. Darla picked it up and placed it to my lips. "Take a puff," she ordered. Why?, my mind screamed at them. What the hell was so important about this?

I began singing, "I’m the only sane one here, sane one here, sane one here," and started laughing hysterically.

"Just do it!" Darla said again. Fine, if that would get them to stop, I would. I sucked on the foul weed and expelled the smoke. They all seemed placated by my maneuver. Amazing! I thought. Why had that been so important? And why, were they all being so insistent? This was far beyond my capabilities. I just didn’t get it. The three of them became engaged in conversation and I was once again ignored, if only for the moment.

Of course, I soon found myself puffing away with the rest of them. This all seemed so wrong! I lost myself in thoughts of Sam. Perhaps he’d save me from all of this? At the moment, I didn’t think that anyone could save anyone from anything. The three of them nodded approvingly at my acceptance of their strange behavior.

"I just knew you had it in you," Darla said and laughed. Mom and Aunt Viv both nodded knowingly. I just wished that I knew what the hell they were all going on about.

"Mom, don’t you think it’s time we went home?" I asked her.

"Why Joan, your Aunt Vivian has ordered a pizza for us, it should be here shortly," she replied. I had no idea that any food had been ordered. Where the hell was I when that had happened? What was going on here? "Help!" I wanted to scream. I didn’t. I knew that no one was listening.

Moments later the pizza arrived. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was. I’d not had any breakfast. Besides, pizza was my favorite food in the universe. I couldn’t believe that I actually felt full after finishing my second slice. Was my stomach shrinking? The others sat there nibbling away and chatting contentedly. It was now after 1:00 PM and I just wanted to go home. I needed to talk to Sam. I couldn’t broach the subject again. I’d seem like a whiny ingrate if I did. Besides, Darla would probably take offense. I sat there silently and waited for things to wind down.

With lunch finished and everything put away, Mom began the smoking routine again. I’d had just about enough of this. "Mom, do you mind if I walk home? I have some things I’ve got to take care of," I told her sternly. She didn’t get the message. I sighed aloud. I felt like a two year old stuck on a lengthy shopping trip with a crazy lady. A good part of my feelings rang true. I sighed again.

"Let’s go out back Joan," Darla said to me. Anything had to be better than sitting in the kitchen and listening to my insane mother ramble on. Without a word I rose from the table. I made my way out the back door. Darla followed close behind. "I’m sorry Joan," she said. I could tell by her tone and the look in her eyes that she meant it.

"It’s alright Darla," I replied.

"I thought your cousin Dani was staying with you?" I asked not having seen Danielle in attendance anywhere.

"I’m sure Dani’s on the beach somewhere," Darla replied. "It’s impossible to keep that girl away from the ocean and from the boys," she said laughingly.

"Ah!" I replied unable to think of anything else to say. "So, you really think I look all right?" I asked her with serious concern in my voice.

"Well, if your goal was to look like a hot teen-aged babe, I’d say you’ve outdone yourself," she said and laughed yet again. I wasn’t really sure just what my goal had been. I only knew that I wanted to look "pretty." Was that so wrong? Darla sat there looking out across the pool.

"How’re things going with you and Sarah?" I asked her in my feeble attempt to make small talk.

"They’re ok, I guess?" she replied. I could see that such a simple question wasn’t going to draw her out in the least.

"Well, personally, I think she’s a total nut job," I told her conspiratorially. She laughed at that.

"You should hear what she says about you." I wasn’t going to waste any brain cells worrying about that dizzy bitch’s opinion of me. I still couldn’t understand just what Darla saw in her.

"Darla?" I asked her. "Why Sarah?" I said with genuine concern and interest in my voice. She sighed audibly and started in with the cigarettes again. If she kept this crap up, I was going to ditch her permanently. "No Darla, I don’t want a cigarette," I told her firmly. She looked at me like I was rejecting her totally. Why, I wondered? What was wrong with this person? I felt ever more grateful for having Sam in my life. No wonder she got on so well with my mother. They were both totally insane!

"You are aware of what will happen if you don’t begin hormone therapy pretty soon?" she asked me. Why did she bring that up now?

"Yes Darla, I’m aware," I told her.

"Well if you want boobs as pretty as these," she said and waved her not quite B cups in my face, "you’d better get started!" I laughed at her and told her she was insane. Surprisingly, she agreed with me. "I wasn’t always this way," she said her voice full of sorrow.

"Joan, I’ve never known anyone like you before," she said with a tone of admiration in her voice. I didn’t think myself unique in any way. Even with my gender confusion, I still thought of myself as a normal teen.

"I could say the same Darl," I told her. She smiled at me and took my hand. I’m not sure why I was such a sucker for hand holding, but I was. I guess it was a connection, a link if you will, that couldn’t be established with just anyone. Holding someone’s hand always made me feel safe. Darla’s hand grasping mine was no exception. "I really have to get going," I told her.

"It’s all right Joan. Just go. I don’t think Mom or Aunt Joan are going to miss you."

"You will tell her I’ve left?" I asked her. She laughed at that and told me not to worry. She thanked me one more time for returning Jola to her and oddly enough, thanked me for inviting me with her to the beauty parlor.

"Thanks for accompanying me," I told her. I felt like a stranger in a strange land.

We said our goodbyes and I began the long walk home. Well, it seemed like a long walk in three inch heels. I could see women wearing these things to attract someone, but as a practical matter, they weren’t useful at all. Several times I considered removing them and walking barefoot. I was wearing pantyhose though and knew how delicate they were. They’d never stand the strain of more than a few steps. Twenty minutes later I arrived at my front door. I half expected to see Mom’s car in the driveway. It wasn’t. I went inside and Shandy ran up to me. She looked at me and started growling. It took me a minute or two to convince her that she knew me and knew me well. She whined in apology. "It’s all right girl," I told her and hugged her close.

"Are you hungry?" I asked her and knew her response before she could react. "Come on!" I said and click clacked my way into the kitchen in my spiked heels. Even the sound of the things made me feel so grown up! I fed and watered the dog and made my way upstairs for a nap. I knew I’d have to call Sam before fading away. I found myself in Mom’s room and stole a cigarette from the pack lying on her night stand. I lit it and inhaled tentatively. I wasn’t choking! I felt a rush as the nicotine hit my blood stream. I became concerned for my health. I grabbed Mom’s ashtray and walked slowly back to my room. The Peters’ phone rang a few times. At length, Sam answered.

"That you Joan?" Sam’s voice greeted me. I took a puff and told him that indeed it was me. "What are you doing?" he asked. I felt like telling him I was smoking a cigarette and chatting with him.

"Nothing Sam," I said, "and you?"

"You want to go for a walk on the boards?" he asked me.

"I’d love to Sam," I replied, "but, I really need a nap. Could we do it in an hour?"

"I guess?" Sam replied. "Baby needs her nap. Wouldn’t want to walk the boardwalk with a cranky baby girl," he said and laughed.

"Thanks Sam," I said taking no notice of his sarcasm. "I’m going to set my alarm now to awaken me in forty-five minutes. Will you pick me up?" I asked him.

"Pick you up? What the hell are you talking about Joan?" he inquired somewhat incredulously. I laughed at the seriousness of his tone.

"Just be here in an hour’s time," I informed him. I kissed him silently through the wires and hung up the phone.

I wasn’t going to undress. The twins atop my pillow seemed to be mourning the loss of their sister, Jola. I told them it was all right. Everything would be just fine. Thankfully, they both smiled back at me in unison. Yes, I’d clearly lost my mind. I put Mom’s ashtray back in her room after emptying it and jumped on my bed as carefully as I could. I didn’t want to wrinkle my outfit. I took off my heels knowing that I couldn’t wear them to the boardwalk and found myself drifting off to sleep with no trouble at all. I awoke holding Josam in a tight embrace. I smiled at her and rolled over to give Teddy a hug. He seemed none the worse for having been neglected. I knew I wasn’t being rational with regards to these stuffed toys, but somehow they seemed more real to me than events that were actually taking place.

I had just a few minutes to make myself ready before Sam would come ringing the door bell. I quickly put on my Mary Janes and applied a proper coat of Sam’s "fearless fuchsia." My hair still looked perfect! I sprayed myself liberally with "cool water" and walked into the hall. I grabbed yet another of Mom’s cigarettes and put it in my purse. I already had a pack of matches in there. It was now after 2:00 PM. Mom still hadn’t arrived home. If it hadn’t been so early in the day, I’d have been worried about her. I inspected myself in the mirror one last time. I looked as good as I was ever going to. The door bell rang. "Sam!" my voice sang and my heart leapt. I ran to the front door and opened it for him.

"Joan?" he inquired. "Is that you?" My smile broadened as his lack of recognition let me know that he appreciated what I’d been through.

"Yes Sam," I whispered. "It is I." He wrapped his big strong arms around me.

"Let me look at you!" he exclaimed. The color of my face soon matched the dark red lipstick adorning my lips. "I can’t believe it!" he said. I assured him that it was indeed me and that he could in fact believe it. "I almost feel jealous," he said. Now this was really strange. Those words emanating from his lips made me feel sad. I knew he’d intended them as a compliment. I tried my best to accept them as such, but part of me was immersed in sorrow. I felt like I’d failed him and myself somehow.

"What do you really think Sam?" I said and burst out laughing. "It’s still just me, you know?" I said with a certain amount of serious sadness.

"Let’s get out of here," he said impatiently.

"One minute Sam," I insisted. I decided that I had to call Mom and make sure she was all right. I rang her cell and she finally answered after the fifth ring. "Mom," I said. "Sam and I are going for a walk on the boardwalk. I should be home by 4:00 PM," I informed her. Not a peep of protest from Mom. I almost wished I’d told her that I’d be home later, but somehow I didn’t think she cared one way or the other.

"I still can’t get over how pretty you look Joan," he told me.

"I love you too Sam," I whispered into his ear while standing on tip toe. "Well, shall we go tread the boards?" I asked him.

"Let’s go!" he replied enthusiastically. He seemed to take special care of me that afternoon. Treating me as if I was a delicate flower that just might crumble if handled improperly. I wasn’t sure whether I liked that or not. Still, it felt good having him take control. I’d been making enough decisions of late. "Really Joan," he said, "you look so damned hot!" I thanked him yet again and told him enough already. He simply smiled in return. We soon found our way into the arcade with the cheap ski ball games.

"You want to play?" he asked me.

"Sure," I replied. "But not if you’re going to be a sore loser," I said in mock seriousness. His look told me that he couldn’t ever remember me having beaten him. I decided that I’d play, but let him win. Part of me felt like I was cheating myself, but I was quickly reminded that this was just a game and didn’t matter at all in the overall scheme of things. I’m not sure if I could have beaten Sam if I’d tried. He was definitely on his game that Saturday afternoon. The summer crowds had indeed arrived and there were people waiting for us to finish even as we played. "I give up Sam!" I told him. "You win!" He seemed mollified by my comments.

We exited the arcade and he asked me if I was hungry. That could only mean one thing. Sam himself was hungry. "I’d be happy to watch you eat sweetheart," I assured him. He laughed at that, grabbed my hand and dragged me off to the pizza place.

"Are you sure you don’t want anything Joan?" he asked again. I promised him that my stomach was indeed filled to capacity as he placed his order. "I guess I’m the next one to get a haircut," he said between bites. I laughed at his response. Yeah Sam, I thought. Why don’t you get a haircut just like mine? Somehow the picture of Sam holding a curling iron just didn’t work. I laughed at the image painted by my mind.

"You don’t think I could look pretty, do you Joan?" he asked me in a challenging tone.

"Is that how you want to look Sam?" I asked him. "You are quite beautiful to me."

"Aw," he said by way of reply. I smiled proudly and possessively knowing that he was mine.

"Did I tell you I love you Sam?" I asked him coyly. His smile told me that he knew just how I felt about him. I took refuge in that smile. He sat there chomping on his pizza without a care in the world. Something about him was puzzling me. I just had to ask. "Sam, what happened to your breasts?" I whispered. He laughed at that and informed me that "boys" had their secrets too. Just as he was finishing up a slight hunger pang hit me. I wasn’t about to yield to it. I’d had enough saturated fat for one day.

"Let’s go for a walk," he suggested. I smiled up at him as he rose and took my hand. "If m’lady is ready?" he asked gallantly. We strolled quietly out of the pizzeria hand in hand. "Come on Joan, I think a walk on the beach is in order." He led me over to one of the benches near a beach entrance. He sat down and removed his shoes and waited for me to do the same.

"Sam, I have to go to the bathroom," I told him.

"All of a sudden you decide that you have to go?" he asked me as if I was a two year old in need of a diaper change. I laughed at his remark and pointed to my legs. "Did you pee yourself?" he asked me and continued to stare. I laughed even harder. He was totally bewildered.

"Sam, I’m wearing pantyhose!" I told him.

"Oh," he replied still not making the connection.

"I can’t very well remove them here in public now, can I?" I asked him.

"I guess not," he said none too convincingly.

"Just wait here Sam, I’ll be back before you know it." He eyed me skeptically as I made my escape. I made it to the bathroom and entered one of the stalls. There were signs posted everywhere which read "No dressing or undressing in the rest rooms." Apparently you were supposed to pay some outrageous fee to use one of the bathhouses to accomplish that task. I sat there and removed my hose carefully. I placed them in my shoulder bag. Then, I finished up and headed over to the sinks. Quickly surveying my face, I was satisfied with my appearance. I began making my way back to Sam. A voice stopped me.

"Excuse me Miss," it said. "Can’t you read?" it asked. I had no idea where this was going. I turned around to see that the voice was coming from a police officer.

"Yes officer, I can read. What’s the problem?"

"I noticed that you were wearing hosiery when you went in and now your legs are bare," he said. I couldn’t believe it. What a bleeping pervert!

"You must be mistaken officer," I replied calmly. "I know better than to wear hose to the beach," I said. He grunted.

"Just don’t let it happen again. Next time, I’m going to write you a ticket." I thought if there ever was a next time, I’d simply wear the pantyhose till they fell off in shreds. I laughed as I then considered that I’d be ticketed for littering. What a crazy world! Thankfully Sam was still waiting for me when I returned.

"What was that all about?" he asked me indicating my brief conversation with the police. I told him. He replied with mock seriousness that I should indeed know better and laughed. I went to punch him on the arm. He moved quickly away before I could make contact. "Joan! You shaved your legs!" he exclaimed.

"Thanks for noticing Sam," I said with a touch of sarcasm in my voice.

There was no place left to garner any privacy. The summer season had officially begun and there were people everywhere. In a way I was glad to share the magnificent ocean with the world. In another way I wanted them all arrested for trespassing. I found myself getting more and more attention from all the boys. I was glad that Sam was with me. Would I even be safe walking alone, I wondered? Such thoughts had never entered my head before. They worried me slightly. I was still the same old me, but somehow things had changed.

"Here’s as good a spot as any," he said and stopped dead in his tracks. This part of the beach wasn’t nearly as attractive as the main sections. There were still far too many people circulating for my liking. "It’s always been like this Joan," Sam said indicating the crowds. I guess I’d simply never noticed it before.

He took my hand and pulled me down next to him. We sat and stared out across the ocean. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. "I love your perfume," he whispered. He’d actually noticed! I figured my scent was as invisible as my lipstick had been. I reached into my bag slyly and removed the small bottle of cool water. I gave him a full squirt on the back of the neck. "What the hell did you do that for?" he said angrily.

"I thought you loved my perfume?" I replied and began laughing.

"On you!" he said and began making a fist. I grabbed hold of his hand and gently unwound his fingers. With his hand fully extended, I rubbed it in both of my own. He reached over, moved my hair away and kissed me on the back of my neck. The kiss was nice but I found myself worrying whether he’d messed up my hair.

"Don’t worry Joan, your hair’s perfect." Not wanting to seem like a shallow bitch, I laughed as if I hadn’t a care in the world. He rubbed my back soothingly with his right hand.

"Don’t start something you can’t finish mister," I said playfully. He grabbed both of my arms in his own and pushed them behind me. I sat there feeling a bit helpless but excited too. With all the tourists milling about I wasn’t about to raise a fuss. He knew what I was thinking and took full advantage. He impaled my lips with his tongue. He released his grip on my arms and wrapped his own arms around me instead. "Oh Sam!" I exclaimed. "That feels so nice. But there are far too many people about. Please stop!" I begged. For a moment he seemed lost in his own desires. Finally, he released me. I wished that he’d hold me like that forever.

That was the message my eyes conveyed to him. We sat there and began looking out to sea again. It was a vain attempt to appear inconspicuous.

He stood and pulled me to my feet. Bits of sand remained trapped in the pleats of my skirt. It definitely was not beach wear. I hoped I hadn’t ruined it. "Your dress is going to be fine Joan," he said impatiently.

"It’s not a dress Sam. What planet did you grow up on?" I asked him half-seriously. His breasts which had protruded slightly over the last few weeks now seemed to have completely disappeared. I was determined to find out how at the next opportunity. "When are you going to get your hair done?" I asked him.

"Done? What do you mean done?" he asked. He knew perfectly well what I meant. He was just being an ass.

"Nevermind!" I grumbled. He laughed at that and told me he was getting it cut sometime next week. Somehow, I couldn’t imagine Sam with short hair. I eyed him appraisingly. He was an enigma; both beautiful and handsome. I was only glad that he was mine.

"Do you like being a girl?" he asked me as we continued walking. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle that one.

"Well Sam, I’m not really a girl, you know?" I laughed and dodged out of the way anticipating a punch in the arm. He hadn’t moved a muscle in the attempt. His was a serious question. I sighed audibly and considered the question again. "Yes Sam, I do," I replied at last. "But, it’s so much more than that. It’s simply who I was meant to be." I said as my voice drifted off. He spun me round to face him. He hugged me with all his might.

"I know," he whispered as he released me. We made our way back to the boardwalk. I swore that I’d never wear my mary janes to the beach again as I attempted to remove the sand trapped between my toes. Had the boardwalk been in better repair, I’d have traversed it barefoot. Too many splinters in the past convinced me not to make the attempt. Better a few grains of sand in a shoe, than a piece of rotted wood extending from skin’s surface.

"What do you want to do now?" he asked me. I told him honestly that I wanted to go home and change. He looked at me like I was a mental case.

I laughed and said, "Well, you asked!" He took my hand and led me home. I continued to garner the attention of the male population. Not something I was happy about. Sam’s possessive look kept them all at bay. Finally, we arrived back at the old homestead.

"What time shall I pick you up later?" he asked me. What now? Had I agreed to something and not even realized it? "We’re going to the movies, remember?" he said in a tone of exasperation.

"Is 7:30 all right?" I asked him. "AM or PM?" he said and laughed. Enough was enough I thought. I kissed him lightly on the lips and made my way inside. Once again Sam had seen me home. I was beginning to like it. I took off my skirt and carried it into the backyard. I didn’t want sand all over the house. I stood on the back porch in my panties and shook out my skirt as one would a towel. It was definitely not beachwear.

I hoped Mom didn’t think I was ditching her this evening. We had been spending more than a fair amount of time together. The day’s excitement began to take it’s toll on me. I really needed a nap. I’m sure Sam would have thought me nuts had I told him that I had to go in and take my nap now. Especially since it would be my second nap of the day! Where the heck was Mom, I wondered? Oh well, it wasn’t yet four o’clock. I’d worry about Mom later. I set my alarm for five and quickly passed out atop my bed. The buzzer woke me moments later. I think I could have slept straight through to tomorrow given the opportunity. The aroma of meatballs cooking drifted up the stairs. Mom was home. She apparently heard my not too gentle steps in my room.

"So, you’re alive!" she shouted up at me.

"I could say the same about you!" I replied with mock indignity.

I made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen where Mom was busily at work. She turned to greet me. "I still can’t get over how beautiful you look!" she said and beamed at me. It was a beatific smile. I thought of my old comeback, "you don’t look so bad yourself," but in the end decided that it would be inappropriate.

"Thanks Mom! I could never have done this without your help," I said honestly. She laughed and told me not to go and blame it all on her. "I think I need a shower," I told her.

"Don’t forget to wear a shower cap, Joan."

"A shower cap? What in the world would I need one of those for?"

"Your hair may look easy to style, but looks can be deceiving," she said.

"Great!, " I said my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"It’s not easy being pretty Joan," she said chuckling. "You can borrow mine this time, but you’re going to have to get one of your own.

I went upstairs and retrieved Mom’s cap. I carefully tucked my hair inside it and made my way into the warm mist. The shower worked its magic on me. I began to come alive. Fifteen minutes later I was back downstairs in the kitchen waiting for dinner to appear on the table. Angel hair pasta and meatballs: it was one of my all time favorites.

"What about the left over pizza from last night?" I asked her. She told me that she’d thrown it out. My jaw dropped. "You’re kidding right?" Hell, I’d spent most of a week’s allowance on that damned pizza. Mom laughed and told me that she was indeed kidding. She’d wrapped the slices and put them in the freezer. I set the table and finally we sat down to eat. Mom was a firm believer in portioning out the food herself. "Mom, Sam’s taking me to the movies this evening. Is that all right?" I asked her.

"He’s taking you?" she asked incredulously. I laughed at that. Sam and I had seen a zillion movies together, but we’d each always paid our own way.

"I think he plans on paying," I informed her. "But if he doesn’t, I’ll pay my own way. Speaking of which" I said with good humor, "I haven’t received my allowance yet."

"Well, of course you can go, Joan. Just make sure you’re home by 11:00 PM." Eleven! This was one part of Mom’s insanity that I enjoyed. "I’m going out again with your Aunt Alice this evening. Just make sure you’re home by eleven or there’ll be hell to pay. I’m not kidding about that Joan. First offense and you’re grounded for a week."

"That sounds fair," I told her, though I really didn’t think it was. Hell, stuff happened!

"What are you kids going to see?" I told her I had no idea, but was just happy to be spending the evening with my best friend. My response was good enough for her. Dinner over, I cleared the table and did the dishes. It was rapidly closing in on seven o’clock.

I ran upstairs in a panic considering clothing alternatives. The only outfit that made sense was my new green mini skirt and matching top. Thankfully, I had another pair of pantyhose to put on. It just didn’t seem right wearing the same pair I’d worn this afternoon. I’d seen Mom’s delicates hanging on the shower rod over the years and decided that I’d hand wash my hose and panties in the morning. I hadn’t twisted my earrings in a long time. I turned them and they slid round in circles quite nicely. My ears had healed! I knew the first thing I was going to do when I got paid was get myself some new earrings. I laughed as I realized that I’d have to make a jewelry box for myself. As I looked in the mirror I understood just why all the guys had been staring at me. Was there a way I could make myself beautiful just for me? Was I really just kidding myself and actually enjoying all the attention?

I took my perfume out of my purse and applied it liberally behind my ears, wrists, and knees. I had no idea why you’d put perfume behind your knees, but Darla had said it was the thing to do. I acquiesced to her experience. Moments later, Sam arrived.

"Joan, Sam’s here," Mom shouted from the foyer.

"Tell him I’ll be right down," I shouted back. I felt silly as I said it. I could have simply replied to Sam directly. For some reason, I didn’t want him coming upstairs. I was becoming as strange as my mother. One last look in the mirror. A light coat of "rose" on my lips. I smiled to myself and made my way downstairs.

"Wow!" was all he said when he saw me. I could get used to hearing him say that to me. Sam was wearing a clean pair of jeans and a sport shirt. He’d dressed in unisex fashion for years, but I’d never seen him wearing an actual sport shirt before. The buttons were on the right side.

"Sam! You look fantastic!" I told him. He actually blushed.

"We do make a cute couple, don’t we?" he said and laughed. "Shall we go, m’lady?" he asked me. I smiled up at him and offered him my arm.

We began walking back towards the boardwalk. "Oh Sam! You’re not taking me to that old rat trap, are you?" I asked him.

"It was good enough for you a few weeks ago Missy," he replied. The old theater on the boardwalk had actually received historic preservation status. In the summertime they didn’t even bother showing first-run films. The theater would fill up either way and it was a lot more profitable to show something that had been around for a long time. I almost felt like whining in protest. Then, I remembered what I’d said to Mom: it didn’t matter what we were going to see. We made our way just south of the pier that housed the carousel. An early crowd had gathered for the eight o’clock showing. I couldn’t believe I’d have to suffer through "The Exorcist" again. Apparently, Sam loved the movie and said so.

I sat next to him in the theater totally bored out of my gourd. Ok, as horror movies went, this one was a classic. For some reason though, I found the entire story line funny and began laughing inappropriately. Sam urged me softly and often to please be quiet. In our former relationship, Sam would have been laughing right along with me. This was all getting too weird. There was an old Saturday Night Live skit with Richard Pryor, god rest his soul, about the scene where Linda Blair is in bed with her head twisting round and round. "Your momma eats kitty litter," the actress portraying Blair had said. It was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen! Dad had the complete collection of SNL the early years on DVD. I found myself suddenly thrown into a state of sadness and despair. I missed my father.

The movie finally ended and we made our way outside. Sarah was standing outside with a group of kids. None of whom I recognized. Well, but for her older brother Jason. "Well look what we have here," she greeted us. "John and Samantha out for an evening of fun," she continued. "But who’s John and who’s Samantha?" she said and began laughing. She was loud enough to begin drawing attention from those standing in line for the next showing of the film. "They’re definitely a couple of queerdos!" she exclaimed.

"You’re crazy sis," Jason said. "He ain’t no girl, and she ain’t no guy," he declared emphatically. With that, Sarah ran to attack me. She was going for my boobs. What the hell was wrong with her, I wondered? Holding her at bay was no contest for me. Still, with the others in their group, it would be best if we just got out of there as quickly as possible. Sam moved into the picture.

"No, please Sam," I begged him. Sam was big, but Jason was older and bigger. Not to mention the two other members of their ugly crew.

"Let’s go Joan," he said and walked me away ready to kill anyone that might attack me. Sarah and company began laughing maniacally at our departure. Her father was one of the idiot cops that patrolled the boardwalk. With that thought, as I remember it, I offer my humble apologies to those who dedicate their lives "to protect and serve." (no kidding!)

It was probably because their father was a police officer that they didn’t push the issue. I didn’t care why, I was just happy to be out of there. Just what the hell did Darla see in this girl, I wondered? I can’t remember ever encountering such a total piece of excrement before in my life.

"Are you all right Joan," he asked me when we were at a safe distance.

"Yes Sam, and thank you for not going ballistic on them."

"I may be aggressive, but I’m not stupid," he replied and laughed.

"Let’s get some fudge again, shall we?" I asked him.

"Anything you want sweetheart," he said as he led the way to the candy shoppe. We made our selections and Sam once again reached for his wallet.

"No Sam, this is my treat," I insisted. He smiled at me and let me pay for the bag of chocolate.

Chocolate in any form always seemed to calm me down. We walked back to the main boardwalk and grabbed one of the vacant benches. Sam swung the back so we’d be able to view the passersby. He sat there munching on the fudge laced with almonds. A crazy idea pervaded my being. I desperately wanted the cigarette tucked away in the bottom of my purse. While Sam sat there watching the crowd and eating the candy I surreptitiously removed it from my bag. I turned away from him and struck a match. I filled my lungs with the mild menthol tobacco. There was no urge to cough or choke. All I experienced was relief. I guessed this was how one became addicted, I thought and took another puff.

Sam didn’t even notice at first. His eyes were locked on the wheels of chance across the way. Finally he screwed up his face and said, "someone’s smoking! Do you smell that?" he asked me as he at last saw the smoke escape my mouth. "You?" he said. I felt a deep shame as I looked him in the eyes sadly. His own expression told me that he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. My next move left no doubt in that regard. I inhaled deeply and let a thin stream of smoke escape my lips. My eyes contained a look of defiance. He gave me a look which suggested I’d broken his heart.

"Why?" he asked.

I felt ashamed and confused as I sat there puffing away. Hell, I thought it’d been difficult smoking in front of Mom and Aunt Viv. This was something else entirely. "I’m not really sure Sam," I said. "It just seemed like a good idea at the time." His eyes indicated pure disappointment with me. "I’m sorry Sam," I offered meekly. I didn’t promise never to do it again. I knew that would be a lie. He shook his head and dove deeper into the bag of fudge. "Aren’t you going to save some for me?" I asked him playfully. He seemed annoyed by my request. I considered a plethora of lame excuses to offer up regarding my behavior. I wasn’t in the mood for fairy tales and I could tell that Sam wasn’t either. At length, he offered me a piece. I was glad that he’d eaten most of it. If he hadn’t, I would have.

"You’re not going to do that again, are you?" he asked me. Do what, I wondered? I knew what he was referring to. I was determined not to lie to him.

"Not tonight," I replied. That was a no brainer, I didn’t have any more cigarettes. He seemed momentarily satisfied with my reply and let the matter drop. "Come on Sam," I urged him. "It’s way after ten and I have to be home by eleven or there’ll be hell to pay."

"But our mothers went out together." I laughed at his naiveté.

"Yes Sam, they did. But your Aunt Joan is going to be ringing my number in about fifteen minutes."

It took longer than it should have for that fact to register. Finally, it did. "We’d better get going then." It was only a ten minute walk home. When we arrived at my door, I asked him if he wanted to come inside. "Are you sure it’s all right?"

"Just be quiet when you hear the phone ring," I replied. Sometimes Sam seemed a bit slow to me. Mom rang promptly at eleven o’clock. I told her we’d had a wonderful time at the movies. She told me that she’d see me in the morning without clueing me in as to how her own evening was going. We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone.

"How about we have a slumber party of our own?" Sam suggested.

"Huh?" was all I could think to say.

"Well, our moms are out having fun. My own mother won’t check on me till tomorrow, if then. What say you and I spend the night together?" he asked in a suggestive tone.

The idea was both scary and exciting. Sleep with Sam? Spend the entire night with him? Wow! Part of me still felt like sending him on his way for his suggestion. What if Mom caught us? I laughed and figured she’d most likely kiss us both on the cheeks and tip toe silently out of the room. "What’s so funny Joan?" he asked me. I told him the probable scenarios regarding Mom’s actions if she caught us in bed together. I enjoyed the new found freedom, but I missed my mother.

"You want something to eat?" I asked him. There was never any need to ask Sam such a question. He was always hungry. I invited him into the kitchen and turned on the oven. It was time to finish the pizza.

While we were waiting for the oven to heat up, Sam walked over to the counter and began pouring us two gin and tonics. "Whoa big fella! What do you think you’re doing?" I asked him.

He laughed and replied, "Well, if you’re going to smoke, then I’m going to drink." And here we were a few weeks away from our fourteenth birthdays. This was all getting a little too bizarre for me. "Have you ever had a gin and tonic before?" he asked me in a daring tone.

"Of course I have," I responded in as worldly a manner as I could muster. I was worried that Mom would notice the amount of liquid missing from the bottle. Sam simply laughed at my reply. Suddenly, I had an idea. I ran upstairs and purloined another of Mom’s cigarettes. I was totally losing my mind.

We each sat at either end of the table. I went and got the candles from the dining room. By the time I was finished, it was a very romantic setting. I sat there in the dim light drinking and smoking. Sam stared at me with a hunger which suggested that pizza alone would never be enough. "I hate to admit it, but you do look sexy with that cigarette in your hands."

I looked up at him and said, "you do know that I’m not on the menu?" His smile grew wide.

"We’ll see about that," he whispered. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this. Drinking, smoking, and contemplating sex with another human being. "If we’re ever going to eat that pizza, don’t you think you should put it in the oven?" he asked. I’d completely forgotten about the pizza. I practically jumped out of my chair and ran to put the four slices inside. All of a sudden, I was starving myself!

Sam finished his drink and went to make another. "Don’t you think that one’s enough?" I asked him. I was already feeling quite giddy myself. There was no way I’d imbibe any more alcohol. It hadn’t seemed to affect Sam at all. This was a side of Sam with which I was totally unfamiliar.

"I think one more would be enough," he said and began mixing the drink. "You’d like another too, wouldn’t you, Joan?" he asked me.

"No Sam, I wouldn’t," I replied. His behavior scared me more than just a bit.

I hoped that the pizza would calm him down. The oven timer rang out and I went to retrieve the food. We sat there eating and talking about all manner of things. Neither one of us brought up the topic of potential sleeping arrangements for the evening. I’m not even sure why the thought worried me, but it did. I sat there taking small bites as I’d recently learned to do. Sam wolfed down his two slices in a matter of seconds. I still hadn’t finished my slice and he sat there staring at the final piece remaining. I couldn’t believe his appetite.

"Go on Sam, take it." He didn’t require any further encouragement.

"This is the best reheated pizza I’ve ever tasted," he said.

I laughed at that and replied, "really, how would you know?" It took him a moment but soon he joined me in laughter.

The pizza finished and the dishes finally put away, I found myself staring at the gin bottle. No, I didn’t want another drink. I was worried that the level was substantially lower than before Sam had poured the drinks. "Don’t worry about it Joan," Sam said smiling. He took the bottle over to the sink and filled it to its prior level with water. "She’ll never notice," he said and smiled again. It seemed that Sam had more secrets than I did. I hand washed our two glasses not wanting to take any chances on what Mom would or wouldn’t notice. He looked at me like I was nuts.

"When we sleep over at your house, you can do things the way you want to."

We’d danced wordlessly around the issue long enough. "Come on Sam," I said and led him up the stairs. He walked behind me holding my hand as we ascended. It was as if he’d never been in the house before. We entered my room. Remnants of John lined the walls: baseball posters mostly. Funny, I almost felt like a stranger in my own room. I found myself wishing that I had some candles. Sam stood behind me as we faced my full-length mirror. He gently slid the hair on my neck out of the way and began nibbling tenderly at the flesh underneath.

"Haven’t you had enough to eat yet?" I said to him and laughed.

"Almost Joan, but not quite," he replied and continued kissing me. His lips sent shivers throughout my body. I really was Sam’s girl. A feeling of pride and joy swept through me. I watched his face in the mirror as he continued on. He really was beautiful. Finally, I couldn’t take any more. I turned around and kissed him with every ounce of passion in my being. He melted at my touch.

"Are we really going to do this?" I asked him. He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. He practically ripped my top off of me. I looked sadly down at my bra knowing that with it gone my breasts would be too.

"It’s all right Joan," he said understanding my sadness. With that he gently removed my bra and the secret it contained. With that completed, I began slowly undressing him. Button by button came slowly undone as I expertly undid them. He looked embarrassed when I saw the bandage wrapped around his chest.

"I’m sorry Joan," he said tearfully.

"It’s all right Sam," I assured him. I gently unwound the bandage. We stood there naked: flesh against flesh. He held me for the longest time in his arms. It was heaven. He finally released me and sat down on the bed and began removing his pants. I sat next to him and undressed too.

"You’re so beautiful," he whispered.

My penis became engorged as he pulled me to him yet again. The warmth emitted by his lower regions was driving me wild. He pulled me tighter and began slowly rubbing up against me. I couldn’t believe the desire building in my loins. He released me once again and climbed into bed. He actually smiled at the teddy bears and gave them both hugs. He extended his hand to me in invitation. Tears began flowing down my cheeks as I accepted.

"I love you Joan," his voice echoed softly in the air.

"I love you too Sam," I cooed in agreement.

"Boy," he whispered as he slid down on top of me.

"Girl," I whispered in return……………………………..

Notes:

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