Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 1

---

---

Author's Note:I had never thought I would start posting a story until I finished with a current one I was writing/posting... As an author with an easily distracted muse, I am currently writing 4 stories congruently. Sorry I can't reign her in any more than that... So far shes focusing mainly on two of them at least... This one, while at times very serious, just seems to be a lot more fun to write for me at the moment. I'm still writing Guardians, promise, its just this one will probably be running neck and neck keeping the muses focus. I hope you enjoy the first chapter. ~Rebecca

I was up early this morning, probably the only kid in my class who was actually excited for the first day of school. There were a few reasons I was excited, one of them more so than the other. For one thing it was my first day in high school, while only a lowly freshman, I’m still in high school. The second reason, and the main reason, is I thought I never was going to make it this far. No, I don’t mean academically, I meant I wouldn’t have lived to be here right now. I had been sick, and I mean bad sick, for the last 3 years. Bad enough that I was home schooled the last half of eighth grade when my parents and the school honestly believed that I was about to die. I showed them though, since I was bed ridden and bored out of my mind I hadn’t given up, so I continued my school work. That’s one thing everyone would agree on, I was a fighter, I’ve always been one. Even though I was always small for my age, even before I got sick, I didn’t know how to give up. It just wasn’t in my blood. So anyway, that brings me back to my story.

I was standing there in my room flexing in front of the mirror with a shit eating grin if there ever was one. Oh, sorry about the language, my parents sort of gave me some leeway when they thought I was dying… It’s a hard habit to break… At least that’s my excuse, and I’m gonna stick to it. So, I was admiring my reflection in the mirror, just standing there in my whitey tighties admiring the thirty pounds I had gained in the last four months. I wasn’t musclebound or anything like that, I had just barely passed one hundred pounds and for my height of five foot four I was down right scrawny. But the fact that I could stand on my own and not in the damn wheelchair anymore, I could deal being a scrawny runt. I did notice a few places where it appeared that I was starting to get some fat on me… It’s one of the side effects of the treatment that’s saved me… If I get a bit pudgy I can live with that, after all that’s a lot better than the alternative… That has been my mantra for the last few months as I started getting better. No matter what, the fact that I’m alive is better than where I was. Convinced that this day was going to be awesome, I finished getting dressed so I could go eat my breakfast with the ‘rents. Now I just need to convince them I’m not going to break so I can start standing on my own two feet again. I know they are worried about me, but I’ve faced down the grim reaper and lived to tell about it. That’s why I was still smiling like the Cheshire cat when I walked into the kitchen.

Mom was the first to notice me, and my grin when she said, “So it looks like somebody looks really happy today.”

Still smiling as I filled my cereal bowl, I told her, “You better believe it. Today is going to be great.”

Dad just lowered his tablet, just low enough so he could peer over it, hey who actually reads a paper anymore, and told me, “Son I know you’re excited, but I just don’t want you to get your expectations too high. You know…”

I interrupted him, “Dad I know what a bad day is…” I paused as I felt my mood start to darken, but I took a deep breath to push that thought out of my mind. I continued, “So no matter what happens, this is going to be a good day, I’m not going to let it be anything but…”

Mom had gotten up and started hovering, I think that’s just a thing that moms do, before she grabbed me in a hug from behind and told me, “I know sweetie, we just are worried about you. Are you sure you don’t want me to give you a ride this morning?”

Trying to break from the hug so I could keep shoveling cereal in my mouth I said, “Mooom I’m going to be okay… Besides I’m so much stronger that I was, I’ll be fine.”

She sighed, “Okay fine… But you know your stamina isn’t quite up to where it should be, it might never be back to where it was… I just don’t want you to overdo it. Remember I do know you quite well young man…”

I really did know my limitations, I didn’t really like them, but I knew… Sighing I kept on, “But mom if I don’t push myself how will I get stronger?”

Dad couldn’t help but chuckle softly behind his iPad, without even lowering it he said, “Just make sure you have your phone on you… If you need us call, if you push yourself too hard and you have any sort of relapse whatsoever… I’m going to take you to school every day and make sure I give you a big hug and kiss on the cheek… Every… Single… Day…” He then lowered the iPad enough I could see the smirk on his face with his one eyebrow raised.

Glaring at him, while I knew he was joking… Mostly… I also knew he wouldn’t hesitate to follow through with that threat… I just sighed, “Ugh… Fine… I’ll be careful…”

That seemed to appease them for a few moments, but after I rinsed my bowl out and started to get my backpack, Mom couldn’t help herself. “Honey… Now I want you to rethink P.E… You can still get a waiver… We don’t have to wait until…” She couldn’t quite say what she wanted to, but she didn’t have to. That elephant had been in the room ever since the surgery and my treatments started…

Trying not to sound like I was whining, because I totally knew I wasn’t, I told her, “Mom please… I know I won’t be able to stay in P.E. for maybe a semester or two… I have a chance to be normal… Even if its only a few months… Please can you drop this? Just for now?”

She came over and gave me a hug, and sighed, “Okay, for now… I know how much you need some sort of normalcy after… everything… Like everything else, just don’t push yourself too hard…”

She let out a long sigh and although she didn’t want to, she let me go. With a quick ‘See Ya’ to them, I was out the door to head towards to school. I’ve been walking the neighborhood for the last month or so, building up my strength and stamina, unfortunately I realized I should have been doing that with my backpack on… By the time I was a block away from school, I was sorely tempted to give one of them a call… There was no way I was going to let Dad embarrass me the remainder of my time public school though, so I took a five-minute break to catch my breath and continued on my way… I actually had prepared for this contingency, that’s why I left half an hour before school… It was only a bit over a mile walk, one I had been able to make in 15 minutes before… Not my fault I didn’t think to try it weighed down with my books and stuff before now… Due to my planning ahead though, I had ten minutes to spare when I walked into the building…

I stepped into the hallway and took a deep breath… My first thought was, yuck it smells like body funk and dust, couldn’t they have cleaned this place during the summer?!? Hey, that’s what crossed my mind, but its an old school. Hell, both of my parents went here, and they are like super old… Dad just turned forty, so he’s like way over the hill… Anyway, I found the bulletin board for the freshmen and found my name and homeroom. After walking towards where I thought my room was, I started noticing people giving me some strange stares. I almost said something, but then again, they were just probably surprised to see a kid make a recovery like I had so I did my best to ignore them. I hate to admit I did take a few wrong turns, so I barely made it to my homeroom before the buzzer sounded. There were several students still standing around, so I tried to find an empty desk when this huge Neanderthal looking guy looked down at me and started laughing.

“Hey little dude, do you know you’re at the high school? Shouldn’t you be in middle school, you know that building on the other side of the parking lot?”, the big guy said. His voice had changed but I immediate recognized Teddy, he had grown a lot since the last time I had played sports with him… You know from before… well you know…

Smirking I looked up at him, after all he was a head taller than me, and said, “Holy shit Tubby, what the hell have you been eating?!?” Look, I know that sounded rude, but ever since I’ve known him he had always been bigger than me. He had always been a bit on the heavy side, and that was just his nickname. It had never bothered him before, after all he used to joke about it too, so I didn’t expect his response.

Teddy bowed up just a bit and threatened, “Hey nobody calls me that anymore, do you understand. Just who the hell do you think you are runt?!”

While he looked pissed, I still didn’t feel threatened, after all he had been a friend and teammate… Well a few years ago at least, I still couldn’t stop my smile, but held my hands up and said, “Chill big guy, I honestly didn’t mean…”

Coach Bowen, one of my former little-league coaches, interrupted, “Hey what’s going on? Find your seat right now!”

Teddy just grimaced, “This ain’t over pipsqueak.” I just nodded, still not able to stop grinning like an idiot.

We all got in our seats and as Coach Bowen was calling out names, he was about half way through and he paused. He was staring at the paper on his desk, then he muttered, “This can’t be right…”

Rick, another one of the jocks, and also a former teammate of mine, asked, “What’s the matter Coach B.?”

Coach Bowen sighed, and said, “This name shouldn’t be on my list…”

Rick was confused, “Who’s name is it, coach?”

Coach just sighed and took off his glasses, so he could rub the bridge of his nose, then he said, “It’s Jordan’s name, you remember Jordan Taylor?” Yeah that’s me… Christopher Jordan Tayler, but I hate the name Christopher, so I go by Jordan…Or Jordie… Several of the jock types kind of bowed their heads, it looked like they were mourning someone… Holy shit, it was then I realized that they all must have thought I was dead… or something… I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh. That probably wasn’t the best response, I realized after the fact, but what could I do? It was hilarious…

Coach quickly semi-yelled at me, “Hey, what do you think is so funny?”

Trying to stifle my humor, I asked, “Umm Coach, why shouldn’t my name be on that list… I’m here…”

He looked at me in disbelief, hell most of the class spun around to stare at me. Coach then asked in disbelief, “Jordan?!?”

I nodded and said, “Present and accounted for coach…”

Tubby… I mean Teddy, exclaimed, “No fucking way!!! Jordie?!?”

Coach fussed, “Theodore!! Language!!” Coach then looked straight at me, and continued, “Son… We had all heard that you’d passed…”

I actually chuckled, again, “Umm Coach I think that’s just a rumor… I’m pretty sure it’s not true though… If it is, nobodies told me so…” The whole class started laughing, I caught Teddy looking at me and he just smiled and nodded, so I returned the nod.

Coach then said to me, “Well Jordan, I’m glad that rumor isn’t true… Let me be the first to welcome you back son… Before you leave to go to first period come up here, okay?”

I just nodded and said, “Sure thing coach.”

Since today was the first day, homeroom was a bit extended, so we could get all the necessary paperwork finished. Once I had everything filled in, I went up and talked to Coach for a bit. He was mostly wanting to let me know he had missed me, and that if I was up to it that I’d always have a spot on the team. I thanked him, and told him I needed to build up my strength, but I wanted to rejoin if I could… Several of my classmates welcomed me back, and Teddy and I compared our schedules. Turns out we have a few classes together, including the same lunch time, so we would catch up later. The Neanderthal did give me a hug and snatched me off of the ground and tossed me over his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes. It was just a reminder of how stunted my growth was… Standing next to my friends, I did look like a sixth grader, I knew that… I refused to let that get to me though, so I just yelled out to him that steroids were bad, and he sat me back down and they all laughed at my expense. I only let it bother me for a few seconds, before I pushed those thoughts away yet again, and joined in the laughter. These used to be my friends, my teammates, and giving each other a hard time was second nature. I knew I’d probably never keep up with them in sports ever again with how small I was… I just kept silently repeating my mantra ‘It’s better than the alternative’ as I left to go to first period.

Today was an ‘A’ day as for as the block schedule went, that meant I had English, and Algebra and then lunch. Since most of us shared the same schedule, we had promised to continue our talk at lunch. They all wanted to know how I started getting better, so for the next two periods I tried to think of I way I could be vague… I really wasn’t ready for anyone to know exactly what they had done to do to ‘fix’ me… It was just too embarrassing. Thankfully with today being the first day back, classes were mostly just filling in paperwork and getting our books and stuff. That gave me plenty of time to think about what I could and what I will refuse to tell them. The revelations about the inaccuracy of my passing was essentially the same in English but word had already started to spread by the time I made it to Algebra.

I was thankful that the lunchroom here at the high school was a lot better than at middle school. We had several different lines available to us. There was a vegan line, pasta, salad, pizza, and then whatever was in rotation… Today it looked like shepherd’s pie, so hello pasta line. I quickly got my food and didn’t take long until I heard my name, well my nickname, yelled out from the jock table. Seeing the behemoth my friend Tubby had become. Ugh, I’m going to have to get used to calling him Teddy… There is no way he could resemble the same chunky kid I had known just three years ago.

As I sat down with the jocks, several of them looked at me like I was crazy to be sitting here. I recognized probably half of the guys sitting here from when I used to be a jock. The other guys probably moved here after I had been unable to keep playing. Thankfully Teddy and the guys I knew just sort of ignored the others. They all wanted to know what had happened, what had caused the turn around in my ‘condition’…

Teddy was the first to ask, “Dude, what happened? Last time I saw you, you were still stuck in a wheel chair…”

Looking at the guys who were wondering the same thing, I sighed, “They finally found out what was causing me to stay sick…” Sick… That word is like a huge understatement. I had always had a slightly nervous stomach as long as I could remember, but most of the time it really didn’t bother me too much. If I ate certain things, I’d get sick and it would come back up… No big deal, well at least until I was about ten and a half. Then it got much worse…

Rick said, “Yeah I remember that you couldn’t eat much… You started losing so much weight, the coaches ended up having to bench you…”

I told them, “It wasn’t that I couldn’t eat… It was just everything I tried to eat always came right back up… I had gotten so malnourished; my body had started attacking itself… That’s why I’m so damn short now…” I was trying to let them know why I still looked like a small kid, but there was some fear of letting them know what had caused the problem.

Teddy asked, “Well you’re looking pretty good now, well for a shrimp.” He laughed as he ruffled my hair. “So, what was it?”

I wanted to tell them the truth, I really did. There was just something that made me afraid to tell them exactly what had saved my life. I took a deep breath and said, “Well, you guys know how frail I had gotten? Well when they pulled me out of school last year I was down to 80lbs… The doctors kept working, but they had advised my parents to try to make me comfortable… I kept losing weight… Once I dropped below seventy pounds… I just knew it was going to be soon…”

I had to pause for a moment. Remembered the looks on my parents faces when they got the news tore me up on the inside. Things just got to me a lot worse now than it used to, about the only thing that got me choked up from before was Ole Yeller… Of course, that would have made a dead man cry…

Once I recovered, I continued, “Well the doctors kept working to find out what was wrong… They finally found out what it was… It turns out there was some mutant gene that was causing a bad reaction to cause problems with my hormones… My body was basically poisoning itself.”
One of the goons I didn’t know laughed, “So you’re a mutant? I thought X-men would be bigger.” Some of the other guys laughed. I didn’t find the humor in that at all, especially considering what they had to do to save me.

I laughed mirthlessly, “Yeah… Ha ha, that’s funny. Didja come up with that all by yourself?”

Teddy glared at them, then turned back to me and asked, “They fixed you though, right? I mean you’re here and you’re a lot better than the last time I saw you.”

I nodded, “Yeah they did what they could do for me… I might not grow much more, if any, from what the docs say. They ended up removing what was causing the problem… I’ve got to take med’s the rest of my life, but yeah considering what could have happened? Yeah I’m fixed…” I silently repeated the mantra ‘better than the alternative’ I hope it will be at least.

Thankfully conversations went back to normal things, mostly sports stuff since I was at the jock table. Even though I haven’t played in a few years, thanks to the internet I’ve kept up with my friends the best that I could. I used to get upset that they quit visiting me after I got pulled out of school… When I thought about it though, I couldn’t blame them… They didn’t want to watch me keep fading away. It didn’t take much longer for the bell to ring, signaling the end of lunch. Teddy, Rick and I dumped our trays, before heading to P.E. I did pretty good, I was able to eat half of my food at least. No, I didn’t get sick anymore, but not able to eat solid foods for so long, my stomach had shrunk to almost nothing. I have been spending the last few months trying to stretch it back out, but it’s been really slow going.

I had been looking forward to, and at the same time dreading, this class. I was ready to keep trying to get in shape, but I also knew it would be a huge reminder to what I had lost. Once we got into the locker rooms to change, it just reminded me how much smaller than I was than everyone else. I also didn’t realize that this wasn’t just a freshman P.E., we had upperclassmen here as well, and none of them new me. Actually, Teddy and Rick were the only ones that had a clue to who I had been before. Of course, the seniors, juniors, and a few sophomores had a blast making fun of the little kid in the locker room. Teddy and Rick tried to come to my defense, and even though they were jocks and big, they weren’t a match to the seniors, so thankfully I was able to get them to drop it for their sake. It was okay, I know I’m small… It’s better than… well, you know…

We were about half way through the class, and I was seriously rethinking my decision to not do the waiver. Dammit, I wanted some sort of normalcy in my life, at least for a little while…For as long as I could at least… I just sucked it up and kept going. All the calisthenics, and games we had played had just reminded me though just how weak I still was and how easily I tired now. I had run out of steam within the first hour, and not willing to give up, I just kept forcing myself to push forward. Then we started playing dodgeball…

I admit I used to love dodgeball, I was fast and agile, plus I wasn’t as far behind the strength curve back then either. While I couldn’t throw that hard now, I was still pretty fast and being small as I was, that made me a hard target to hit. Sadly, though I got cocky and starting talk smack to the seniors… I shouldn’t have, but I had slipped back into that old team mindset. We talked smack to motivate each other, the seniors just got angry. The more they missed me the angrier they got. Yeah, not a good idea, especially since my stamina was nonexistent towards the end of the match. I had tried to dodge, but I was so tired I hesitated just long enough, Lurch, I don’t know his name but that one was as good as any, slung a ball as hard as he could, and he hit me right in my right pec muscle… Well it should have been a pec muscle at least. The hit spun me around and the pain that shot through my chest brought me to my knees and took my breath away. I was kneeling on the ground with my arm wrapped around my chest to protect it…

Teddy was the first to me, “Jordie man, are you alright?” I just grunted unable to do anything but groan.

After a moment I barely was able to gasp out, “Fuck!!! That hurt a lot more than it should have…” I couldn’t say anymore because I started to bite my lip to keep myself from crying. I know that doesn’t make any sense, oh I’m hurt so bad I want to cry, so I’m going to hurt myself some more… No matter if it didn’t make sense, it worked. I was sitting down holding my chest when the coach got to me.

“Jordan, is something broken?”, he asked.

I shook my head no at him, he tried to pull my arm back, so he could see how badly injured I was. I just mumbled, “It was just a hard-hit coach… I’m okay… Can I go hit the shower? The hot water should make it feel better.” He didn’t look happy about it, but he let me cut the class short. Teddy tried to come back with me to make sure I was okay, but I convinced him I just needed to soak for a bit. I was rounding the bleachers in the gym, when I heard him confront the asshole… I just sighed and hoped he didn’t get in too much trouble. He’s a big boy, he could take care of himself… I hope…

I made it to the showers and stripped in one of the stalls. Once I was standing under the hot water, I finally let go and let the tears flow… I hated this… I couldn’t help myself though, I had broken my arm in soccer once and never cried… But now… Finally, I cried myself out and got dried off and dressed before the other guys came into the shower. While they were all getting their shower, I just sat there softly rubbing the soft flesh where I got hit. Soft flesh that should have been muscle… It was all I could do to keep from crying again. Thankfully nobody said anything else to me before the buzzer, not even Teddy. He just kept staring at me, with a worried look plainly written across his face. I didn’t turn around or say anything when the bell rang, I just fled away from the gym as quickly as my legs would carry me.

Thankfully, I had myself mostly composed when I got to my last class for the day. I was almost late though, it took me longer than it should have to get myself together enough to stop from hiding behind my locker door. As I made it into the class, a few seconds before the tardy buzzer, there were about eight tables in the science room, with four students to each table. When I glanced around, there was only one table with any vacancies and it only had one girl sitting there. I just shrugged my shoulders and sat down across from her. Several of the students started snickering as I sat down, I just looked over at them trying to figure out what their deal was. As I looked back towards the girl across from me, my first thought was she was kind of cute in a tomboyish kind of way. I think the term was that she looked ‘sporty’, while she had some makeup on she was dressed in jeans and a tee-shirt. She looked like she could have played sports, I’ll have to ask her. I couldn’t help but think she looked really familiar though, but then again, I had probably seen her around once I had gotten sick. Not too many students really wanted to come hang out with the dying kid… I must have seen her around the halls or something, that had to have been it.
I smiled at her, which caused her to roll her eyes and laugh at me. Her laugh was infectious, and I couldn’t help but laugh with her. I managed to ask, “What’s so funny?”

Before she could answer the teacher stood up, Mr. Reeves told us, “Alright, since this is science class we are going to have to set up lab partners… To keep you all from just hanging out with your little buddies look across the table, that person is your lab partner.”

Several kids groaned at that, most of the kids had sat next to a friend, but now had to partner with who was facing them. Since the girl and I were the only ones at the table, it was obvious she was going to be my lab partner. Something I really didn’t mind at all, after all I did say she was pretty cute.

Mrs. Reeves continued, “Alright, now that that is settled, while I finish a few things for the class, go ahead and introduce yourself to your lab partner. I hope you get along, because there isn’t going to be any swapping…” Most of the kids groaned again, but not me.

I smiled again and stuck my hand out, “Hi I’m Jordan.”

She laughed, “I know who you are. You’re looking really good considering…”

Confused I looked at her again, and still couldn’t place her. Then I realized that she probably knew who I was, after all I was the semi-famous dead kid come back from the grave. Still holding her hand, thankfully I had quit shaking it by now, I asked, “How do you know me? I don’t remember you.”

She giggled again, then looked at my hand still grasping hers. I blushed just a bit and quickly drew my hand back and tried to apologize. Which caused her to laugh again… I also realized I could easily fall in love with her laugh. She finally said, “You do know me… I’m Sam…”

That honestly didn’t help me much, so I asked, “I don’t know any girls named Sam… Is it short for Samantha?”

She smiled at me, but quickly looked down where her hands were grasped together on the table and said, “Yeah… At least it will be…”

I had only thought I was confused up until this point, “What do you mean it will be?”

She looked back up at me, and sadly the laughter had faded from her expression, “Jordie, it’s me… Samuel…”

Suddenly memories of playing with Sam, short for Samuel, in soccer, little league, and even flag football flashed through my mind… All I could say was, “Oh… Hi Sam…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 2

---

---

Author's Note:I do want to thank everyone that commented, you're responses totally blew me away. This story is still going strong with my muse, only because Guardians has a lot of things in the background going on and I'm taking extra time to ensure I don't write myself into a corner. So far this one is being extremely easy to write. I hope I don't let you all down, thank you all again. ~Rebecca

I’m not going to lie, I was stunned. I wasn’t trying to be rude, but this cute girl in front of me just admitted that she was a friend of mine that I had known as a guy… I was looking at her face, and I could then see the Sam I had known, well sort of. Sam had always had this look… I mean we all have a look, but his was like he was always concentrating. He had been a good damn player, and I mean totally focused, even for a kid. Now though, that intense look that he had always had wasn’t there anymore. It somehow made her face a bit softer, maybe a bit more carefree. I didn’t realize I had been staring as long as I had when she spoke and pulled me back into the land of the living.

“So, I imagine you’re rethinking sitting here huh?”, she said, her eyes returning downwards. I immediately felt like an ass.

“What? No… That’s not what I was thinking, I swear. You just totally caught me off guard…”, I blurted out, and I was even being truthful. With what I’ve gone through, with the malfunction with the way my body processed my hormones I’ve read a good bit about transgender issues. I honestly didn’t have an issue with it considering my… Well we’ll get to that later.

She looked up at me and her sad brown eyes felt like they were penetrating my soul. She softly said, “From the way you were looking at me… I just thought you were trying to figure out a way to run… Pretty much everyone else has…”

Yup, I was definitely feeling like an ass. That’s actually one of my gifts, I can be an ass without even trying to to be one… To hear that everyone else has ran from her just pissed me off. I knew what that felt like, now logically I understood and didn’t blame anyone for not hanging around when I got so sick. Emotionally though was a different story. “Sam I wasn’t gonna run okay… That just really surprised me is all… You know me, I don’t run away from anything…”

She looked relieved as she softly smiled, “Yeah and sometimes when you probably should have though…”

I remembered a few of the times I had bit off more than I could chew, and chucked, “I won’t argue with you on that, but I promise… This time isn’t one of those times, Okay?” She looked like she wanted to believe me but wasn’t quite to that point yet. I added, “You want to know the truth? When I sat down I was thinking I was in luck, I’m going to be the only one sitting with this really cute girl at this table. When you dropped that bomb, I couldn’t believe that goofy kid I knew would ever be this cute.” I couldn’t help but to have to stifle a chuckle with the expression on her face.

“Hey! I wasn’t goofy looking!”, she started to say, then saw me trying to keep from laughing and she groaned. “Ugh, some things haven’t changed… You’re awful…” She then giggled softly. She got a much more serious expression on her face the asked, “How did you not know it was me? I mean this is my first day as, well me… I’m sure you’ve heard people talking about the weirdo in drag… People haven’t even tried to be quiet around me…”

I softly touched her hand out of reflex, “You’re not a weirdo, and from my understanding you’re not in drag…You had been, but not now you’re not… Look people are just stupid…”, I start to say then I see her look out where my hand was resting on the top of hers with a hint of surprise. I gently pull it back and apologize as I felt myself blush a bit. I then give her a smile and say, “I mean they really are stupid… I actually heard a few people making bets that I really had come back to life… Like a zombie or something…”

She giggled a bit more loudly, which drew some attention from the table next to us, but we ignored them. She laughed, “You a zombie? That’s pretty funny actually…”

I nodded, with a smirk and said, “It would be, you know if it wasn’t so sad…” She looked at me quizzically, so I delivered the punchline, “Yeah… Have you not looked around here? If I was a zombie I’d be starving to death about now…”

It only took her a second or two before I saw it click on her face before she laughed out loud. That drew the attention of Mr. Reeves who gave us his patented warning stare, so we quieted down.

She half whisper, half scolded, “Your humor is just as weird as ever…” Then she gave me a big smirk, “I’m glad to see some things haven’t changed…” She paused for a moment as a serious expression crossed her face before she asked, “This freaked most people out, why are you okay with this?”, as she waved her hands towards herself.

I had to think really fast at how best to answer her, I had read how easy it was to say the wrong thing and Sam was the last person I wanted to upset. I had a lot of different reasons to not be ‘bothered’ by her, but I realized the most important one, so I decided to lead with that, “Sam… Seriously?” She nodded, but I could tell she realized that I was being serious from her expression, so I continued, “With what I’ve gone through the last few years… I guess you could say I learned what was important and what wasn’t… You’ve always been my friend… Just cause you’re happier like this isn’t any reason to mess with that friendship… Besides I can still see a bit of the old Sam now…” She immediately frowned, but before she could say anything I kept on, “Let me finish… I said I could see some of the old Sam, but what I can’t see is the person who was always so focused that he couldn’t just let go for a moment. The person who was always on edge over something… Sam… Right now, you look content… I’d say almost happy… Happy looks really good on you… As a friend, I should want you to be happy right? At least that’s the way I see it… I’d be shitty friend if I didn’t want another friend to be happy.”

She gave me a big relieved smile, but then she wiped gently at the corners of her eyes, which made me realized she was starting to cry. I started to try to apologize for upsetting her, but before I could say anything she reached over and gave my hand a soft squeeze and gently told me, with a slight catch in her voice, “Jordie… You have no idea how happy I am that you’re not a shitty friend… You might be a lot of things, but shitty isn’t one of them…” I gave her hand a soft squeeze in return, then she cleared her throat and with a huge grin she asked, “So did I hear right? You think I’m cute?!?”

It was at that time Mr. Reeves had decided we had all gotten to know our lab partners well enough and started calling our names to collect our books and stuff. I just grinned mischievously at Sam and then made the motion like I was zipping my lips shut. She just roller her eyes as she returned my grin when her name was called to go get her things.

At that moment, with as mixed up as I felt about myself and all the things I had gone through, and am currently going through, hell what I will be going through. I did know one thing at least. I felt really good about making her smile, I can imagine how hard things had been for her today seeing old friends treat her like a leper, or worse. Being the kind of friend that they should have been and seeing how happy that made her, even if it’s just for this moment, that alone was good enough for me to not dwell on my problems… At least for a little while.

{~~~~~~}

As class was winding down, I was putting my stuff in my backpack, noting that it was going to be a bit heavier than this mornings walk, as Sam asked hopefully, “So are you riding the bus home? Or are you being picked up? I was hoping we could keep talking.”

I remembered then that Sam only lived a few stops down from me, and I could tell she wasn’t wanting to ride the bus alone. I told her, “I was going to walk home, I’m trying to get stronger after being stuck in that chair for so long… I can ride the bus though.”

“Oh.”, Sam started to say, then after she paused for a moment, she had an idea. “If you’d rather walk, I could perhaps walk with you? That way we could talk, and I could keep you company. If you don’t mind that is.” She asked hopefully.

“That would be cool with me, if you want, you could hang out at my house for a bit and we could catch up some more too.”, I told her. I really didn’t want to be alone that much, without anything to distract me would cause my thoughts to wander too much and I didn’t like where they usually would go. I then told her, “I have to warn you though… We might have to take a few breaks on the way…” I hated that fact, with how active I had been, the thought of that embarrassed me. I think she caught that in my expression.

“Hey breaks are fine with me… I’ll just have to call my mom to let her know I’m walking.” She told me with a soft smile.

We already had all of our things packed up when the bell sounded marking the end of the day. We both gathered our stuff and as we stood up I noticed how much I had to look up at her, that felt like I had been kicked in the gut and I didn’t know why. I knew I was short, hell I was almost a foot shorter than a lot of the guys. I didn’t know why it bothered me to see that Sam was at least four if not five full inches taller than me.

I mumbled, “Yeah I know I’m short… I haven’t grown any in about four years…” I looked down trying to hide my embarrassment.

“Jordie!”, She exclaimed to get my attention, so I looked up at her and she continued, “Hey don’t worry about that okay… You were incredibly sick, I’m willing to bet now that everything is starting to work right, that you’ll grow a bit more.”

I winced at hearing that about my body working right, I told her, “From what the doctors have said I probably won’t, even if I do grow any taller they doubt I’ll even get to five-foot six…” I gently shook myself and took a deep breath, I then did my best to smile at her and told her, “That’s okay though… Being a runt is better than the alternative. You know, the alternative being… Umm… what almost happened to me…”

She frowned for a moment, “Jordie I don’t care okay… You didn’t care that I’m a girl… I promise you that I don’t care that you’re not that tall… You got it?!?”

That actually made me feel a bit warm, not like when you get overheated or anything like that, but a soothing warm feeling passed through me. It was kind of a weird sensation that hasn’t happened to me before, it was kind of scary, but then again… I kind of felt like I wanted it to happen again, I think that was the part that was the scariest… I genuinely smiled up at her, “Hey… You know you’re a pretty good non-shitty friend too.”

She laughed, which caused a slightly smaller version of the warm rush through me, then she told me, “Then we’ll just be a pair of the best non-shitty friends we can be… Deal?”

We both broke up laughing at that and laughing hard. Once we recovered we each agreed to meet up on the side of the school for the walk home. As I was swapping out what I needed to take home at my locker I thought about my day so far. It was great seeing Teddy again, and while I still felt our friendship, Teddy had changed… I don’t mean him just slimming up and getting muscular… He was just different, and I didn’t know what it was exactly, but it didn’t give me a very good feeling. I had the same feeling with the other jocks during lunch, guys that had been my friends, and still seemed to be friends with me, but again they had changed as well… Then I met Sam, and boy had she changed… Or would that be ‘girl’ had she changed?!? Never mind, I digress… But anyway, she had changed the most out of everyone… Except I still felt that same friendship that I had always had… Maybe she hadn’t changed as much as I had thought… I was still musing the differences when I walked outside ten minutes later to find her waiting.

“So, you ready?”, I asked her, trying to mask the fact I was already close to being out of breath just walking from my lockers to here with the three extra books in my backpack.

“Yeah, I was just about to call my Mom to let her know. I can call while we’re walking though.”, she told me smiling brightly. I could tell she was slightly excited to be walking with me, but mostly relieved she wasn’t riding the bus alone. I hated to think what she might have heard people say about her on the ride in to school this morning. People suck so hard core at times…

“Okay, I’ll text my mom and let her know you’re walking with me. She’ll be glad I’m not walking alone.” I told her as we both pulled our phones out. She started her call, while I started to text. Hopefully the distraction of the phone would get my mind off the exertion.

{Me text} **Mom, Sam is going to walk home with me. Just wanted to let you know so you won’t worry… Too much. :) **

I heard Sam’s one-sided conversation while I’m texting, “Hey Mom… No, I’m okay… Better than Okay… I just wanted to let you know I’m walking with Jordie to his house. I’m not riding the bus…”

{Mom text} **Okay honey… Tell him thank you. Are you two going to hang? **
{Mom text} **Is hang still a thing? **

Sam, “No Mom… My friend Jordie… You remember my friend Jordan who got so bad sick?”

{Me text} **Yes hang is still a thing, maybe… Oh by the way Sam is TG… Sam’s a her now. She’s cool, I promise**

Sam, “Yes, mom… Him… He’s doing good, really good. He’s just walking to regain his strength.”

{Mom text} **Oh! The school told me that there was a transgender student that was starting this year. They didn’t say who though. Have you told her about you? **

{Me text} **No mom I haven’t. She needs a friend. Today’s been rough for her. **

Sam, “I don’t know Mom, I’ll ask.”

{Mom text} **Does she want to stay for supper? I’d like to meet her. I won’t embarrass you… at least too much. **

I groan at reading that, just as Sam covers her phone and asks me, “Mom wants to know if you minded me hanging out for a bit, she could come by after work and pick me up. She doesn’t want me home alone…”

I laugh and show her mom’s text, and ask, “Do you think they are on a conference call planning this?”

Her face brightened up, and she asked me, “Really? Do you mind if I stay?”

I tell her smirking, “Dummy, I wouldn’t have shown it to you if I did.”

She laughed but still flipped me off, then returned to her phone call, “Yeah Mom, Mrs. Taylor and Jordie asked if I could stay for supper.
{Me text} **Okay she said yes. I’ll see you when you get home. Love ya Mom **

Sam, “Okay Mom, I’ll call you when we’re done. Okay bye Mom, Love you too.”

{Mom text} **Love you too sweetie **

Sam just looked at her phone with a huge smile on her face as I slipped mine into my back pocket. I then just started focusing on each step one after another. The day, plus the extra weight in my pack, was really doing a number on me. I heard her say a few things, but I wasn’t paying much attention until I heard her blurt out my name loudly. I then looked up to her, and immediately became aware of how worried she looked.

“I’m sorry… I think I might need to take one of those breaks I was talking about…”, I tell her. As I try to sit my backpack down I ended up dropping it as the strap slipped easily through my fingers, and then immediately sunk down to the ground to sit heavily.

Sam squatted down so she could look me in the eye, “Jordan what’s wrong?” I don’t even think she realized she had rested her hands on my knees.

I gently patted one of her hands, and still trying to catch my breath I tell her, “I’m okay… It just doesn’t take much to get me winded is all… Today just took a lot out of me with P.E. and everything else. This is why I’m walking… I have to get stronger Sam. I have to…” I really tried hard, unsuccessfully, to keep the whine out of my voice. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything about me whining.

She slowly nodded, and softly said, “I think I understand… Take as long of a breather that you need okay…” I just hope my eyes conveyed my appreciation as I just nodded back and kept breathing. She sat down silently next to me and just kept an eye on me, I don’t think either one of us noticed that she left one of her hands softly resting on my knee. I honestly didn’t care… I was just thankful she was there and that I wasn’t by myself right now.

We sat there silently for several minutes until my breath was coming at a much more relaxed rate. When I glanced over at her she was still watching over me concerned. When I nodded to her she gave me a smile smile and stood up. As she reached her hand down for me to take she asked, “Ready for round two?”

I grinned back up at her and took her hand, she pulled me to my feet without hardly any effort. That only made me realize how much stronger she was than me, which was yet just one more of many blows that had been against my ego. What was left of one at least… Before I could reach down to pick it up, she scooped up my backpack and slung it around her shoulder.

“Hey give that back!”, I fussed.

“Jordie no… Let me carry it okay, it’s obvious that you’re wiped out…”, She told me, trying to help.

I knew she was only trying to help, I really did know that. Like I know how my parents always try to help, but by helping me I feel like I’m being babied all the time like I’m made out of fragile glass or something. Like I said, I know they are only worried about me, and it’s started to piss me off. “I don’t care if I’m tired! That’s why I need to have the extra weight Sam, I have to push myself, so I can get stronger! I’ve been walking all over for the past month and it hasn’t helped!!! You don’t understand!”, I snapped at her. I regretted my words and anger as soon as the hurt look crossed her face. I bowed my head and being a lot more restrained, I tell her, “Sam… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for it to come out like that… I just need to be able to do things on my own… I know I was sick, but I’m a fourteen-year-old guy, and not a…”

“You’re not a baby…”, she finished for me. “I do understand that Jordie, I do… I promise you though I’m not trying to baby you… I just want to help you… You need to understand something though… Right now, you’re the only friend I have, and I just got you back… I can’t lose you again because you’re trying too hard and hurt yourself.”

I nod and tell her, “Okay… I promise I’m not going anywhere… Sam… I can’t go back to being an invalid again…” I had to stop talking out of fear of becoming choked up. I hated feeling this emotional and feeling like I’m going to cry at the least little thing.

She softly said, “Okay… You don’t have to be… I’m going to help you, but I’m not going to let you hurt yourself because you’re being a stubborn ass… You want to carry something? How about we compromise?” She handed me the two books and notebook she was carrying, which were a good bit lighter than my backpack.

Eyeing her offering, I ask, “You’re not going to give me back my backpack, are you?”

“Not until we get to your house I’m not…”, She said. I just glared at her and tried to be mad, but it was difficult for me to be mad at her. After a few seconds I took the books she was offering. She quipped, “Besides isn’t the guy supposed to be carrying the girls books?”

I say with as much snark as I can muster, “Well yeah, but the girl isn’t supposed to be carrying the guys heavier stuff…”

She giggled and started walking, turning back just long enough to ask, “Well aren’t you coming?”

I just groaned and started to follow her, while her books weren’t all that heavy it was too heavy for me to carry with one arm, so I quickly grabbed them with both carrying them low in front of me. After a few moments of walking like that I looked down and the way I was holding them with my arms slightly forward was causing my puffy chest to look a little like small boobs under my shirt. Afraid she would notice I quickly pulled the books up to my chest and held them there the rest of the way home. Thankfully she didn’t notice, but I did catch her look strangely at me a few times… Maybe she was surprised I didn’t have to take a break the rest of the way home.

She was true to her word, she waited until we had walked into my house before we swapped our stuff back. I was still slightly miffed at her for what she did, but I understood why she did it. I also understand that I can be a stubborn pain in the ass, but for some reason the thought that she wanted to keep me around did give me another one of those warm feelings I’ve just started having.

Trying to distract myself from the warm flushed feeling I ask, “Do you want a drink? I’ve got to do my afternoon smoothie.” With the confused expression she gave me I added, “It’s something my nutritionist cooked up, so I can try to rebuild my muscles… It’s technically my ‘protein infused dietary supplement’, but it’s easier to just call it a smoothie… I’m hoping by calling it that it will also trick myself into thinking it tastes better…” She giggled at the face of disgust I made with the last comment.

“If you have a diet coke, milk or water, I’m not to picky.”, she answered.

I laughed as I directed her into the kitchen, “I think I can come up with something…” I grabbed her a diet coke, opened it and gave that and a glass to her and then proceeded to make my concoction. Which I also grabbed some cinnamon and vanilla to add to it, anything to make it easier to swallow. As I’m getting all the stuff together I turn for a moment and ask her, “Sam… Do you mind if I ask a few questions?”

She gave me a small smile and said, “Not really… I’m actually kind of impressed it’s taken you this long to ask…”

Trying to reassure her I say, “You don’t have to let me ask anything if you don’t want me to, okay?”

Her smile grew a bit bigger and she visibly relaxed slightly, “I appreciate that, but it’s okay… Ask away.”

I started putting all the dried supplement ‘blocks’ and milk into the blender, “I’m going to assume that you’ve known that you were a girl back when you were young right?”

She nodded, “I was about four or five…”

I nodded and continued, “I wish I had known… I’d like to think that it wouldn’t have mattered to me, but I understand why you didn’t let anyone of us know… What I wanted to ask is, when did you decide to come out? I mean I know today is you’re first day at school… But your hair is pretty long so this is something you’ve been planning for a while right?”

She stared at me for a few moments with her eyebrows slightly knitted together, “How did you know all that? That was pretty accurate…?”

Crap, I really wasn’t trying to come off as knowledgeable, just understanding. “I’ve read a good bit about trans stuff… That and that show I am Jazz… There’s a lot of stuff out there about it…”, I lied, still ashamed to admit to her why I really knew…

She looked like she really didn’t believe me, but continued, “I’ve been telling my parents since I was a little kid… They got a specialist to see me and I was diagnosed at ten… I was eleven when I started growing my hair out… I only decided to totally come out in the last year though…”

She still was looking at me like she didn’t believe me, so I answered, “I promise you I’m not transgender… I swear I’m happy to be a guy, actually ecstatic to be a guy… At least as much of one as I am…” I hated telling her that, while technically true. I did love being a guy, and wish I could be a big strong guy… I still felt like I was lying though, which caused my mood to drop suddenly.

She scolded me, “Jordan stop, so what if you’re small… There is a lot more to being a guy than being tall and muscular. There is kindness, being brave, and being strong isn’t always about being physically strong… You’re actually one of the stronger people I’ve ever met, and one of the best guys I’ll probably ever know.”

I knew she was trying to cheer me up, which I appreciated, but still didn’t agree with her. I told her so, “Sam I appreciate it, but I’m not really all those things…”

She argued, “Yes you are, don’t sell yourself short Jordan Taylor… You want to know the truth about who gave me the strength and the bravery to finally be me?” I just shrugged, and she leaned over placing her hand over mine, “You Jordie… You did…” That totally shocked me, and I’m sure my expressive face showed it, but she kept on, “Do you remember one the last few weeks before they pulled you out of school?
When students were having to push you around to your classes?”

I’ve tried to forget those times, being helpless and having to depend on others to do almost everything for you, was one of the worst feelings I’ve ever had. I asked, “Seeing me as an invalid gave you strength?”

Sam smiled softly, “No Jordie, you might have been too weak to do stuff, but you weren’t an invalid… Do you remember the day I pushed you around? It was that day that I decided to do this…”

I tried to remember that day, and thankfully I did. I had been in a lot of pain, but I had remembered Sam had been really depressed. I asked, “I remember that day, you were pretty upset about something… I thought it was having to wheel me around… What did I do?”

Sam sniffled slightly, “Jordie… I was upset… Yes, I was upset about seeing you like that, but I was hating myself for not having the courage to come out to anyone but my parents… Then I spent that day with you… We all knew that you were going to die, and soon… That last year you had faded so fast… You didn’t let that change you… You joked with me, I know to cheer me up… I remember you telling me not to worry, that you were going to live long enough so we could have wheelchair relays in our nursing home…” She started to tear up and grabbed a napkin to blow her nose, then she continued, “Here I was wallowing with something I had already started but I was too scared to be myself in school… Then I saw you, this guy who was staring death right in the face and you were like fuck it and took time to cheer me up… That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen… You showed me how to be brave enough to do this… Here I am… And look, you still are too… I can’t tell you how much I’m going to look forward to those relays… I’m going to hold you to that Mr.”

I sat there stunned and staring at the tears that were sneaking out the corners of her eyes, I felt my emotions well up and they wanted to join with her in a good cry… As much as I wanted to, I also hated it, so I choked it down the best I could and as stupid as I knew it would sound, it was the only thing I felt brave enough to try to get out, so I just softly said, “Okay…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 3

---

---

Author's Note: I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep the rate of chapters this close. This one is just flowing better than anything else I've tried to write. I hope I can keep up the pace, so you all won't have to wait too long. This one has a few answers to Jordan's situation, not all of them, but only because he doesn't want to admit it yet. I hope I got it across why he feels this way. Again thanks to everyone who's commented, those truly make this feel worth it. Much love everyone. ~Rebecca

“So, we’re in agreement? Relay races in sixty to seventy years?”, she asked me with a large grin. I’m glad that seeing the humor clearly on her face defused my emotional ‘almost’ outburst.

I laughed to hide the remaining urge to cry, and told her, “Deal… You know I might have to give you a handicap though… You know I’ve already got my practice scooting around in a ‘chair.”

She joined in laughing with me, “We’ll just have to see about that… Umm… Did you forget your ‘smoothie’?”

Not even realizing I had sat down at the table with her, I spun around and saw the concoction sitting in the blender. I never even hit the button… I quickly got up saying, “Oops.” In anticipation of the drink, and I mean drink only in the slightest sense of the word, I inadvertently made a face which she laughed at.

“It can’t be that bad, can it?”, she said still slightly giggling at my unintended antics.

As I hit purée momentarily, I gave an involuntary shudder, and when it was done ‘purée-ing’ I told her, “It’s actually not too bad if you like the taste of liquid chalk with a slightly sandy texture…”

I saw her make a face and slightly shudder too, which I snickered at. I didn’t laugh but for a few seconds… After all, I’m the one that was going to be drinking the nasty mess.

As she was warily eying my glass of yuck, she hesitantly asked, “Jordie… What happened with you? I know you’re doing a lot better, but what did they ever figure out was the problem?”

There it was, the ‘I’ll take questions I don’t want to answer for a thousand Alex’, question… So what, I was bedridden for a while, and Jeopardy was one of the least annoying gameshows on daytime TV. Praying it wasn’t going to be a daily double, I held up my finger indicating her to wait a second, then tossed back the glass of chalky sandy slime, at least it had a nice bouquet of cinnamon and vanilla from the stuff I added. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t help the violent shudder and face that I made, I think it also made her a bit squeamish as well since she turned a little green just watching me… It took me almost half a minute to be able to compose myself, and then as always, I tried to wash that down with another glass of milk.

Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I ask, “So exactly what do you want to know? The condensed version or the full version that includes all the medical jabber in it.”

She thought for a moment, and then she said, “The condensed one is fine, I doubt I’d understand the full version… But first… What in the hell is in that mess you just drank?”

Even though the chalky flavor is still hanging on to the roof of my mouth I laughed, “Like I said it’s a protein shake of sorts… That was part of my initial problem, remember I always had to be careful what I ate, or I’d get sick… Well back before I became super sick…” She just nodded and motioned for me to continue, “Well… While we didn’t find out exactly what it was until six or seven months ago, my body had a problem processing the protein… There were some cells in my body that had mutated, it had probably been that way since before I was born… Instead of doing what they were supposed to do, they went haywire…”

“What do you mean haywire?”, she asked, I could tell she was totally engrossed in my story.

I paused, I was trying to get the courage to tell her the truth, all of it… While technically I told the truth to the guys at lunch, I only told half the truth… Out of anyone I knew, Sam would understand, I got that. I knew she wouldn’t bail and leave me alone again… I wanted to tell her… But… I couldn’t… The fear that gripped me at the thought of speaking those words caused my chest to tighten and it became slightly harder to breathe… I don’t even think it was that I was afraid to tell her, I was afraid of hearing me say it at all. I didn’t even know why I was so afraid of… But I was afraid, and I mean deathly afraid to say it out loud.

“Jordie what’s wrong?”, she asked, concerned.

Thankfully it was in that moment, the slime had let go of the air that I had swallowed with it, and I covered my mouth and trying to keep the burp that erupted as quiet as possible. I gave a small shudder at the after taste once again and continued, “Sorry that happens every time… It might not happen if I drank it slower, but there’s no what that’s ever gonna happen…” I decided at that moment, mostly to keep from inducing another panic attack, that I would tell her the half truth, as much as I despised myself for it, “The enzymes, I think they’re called at least, but the stuff the body produces to break down the protein into stuff usable for your muscles and things didn’t work right… Instead of breaking it down into something good for me, it broke it down into something that acted like a poison… It started attacking my digestive system, my muscles, and even my bones…”

Again, while all that was technically true, it was only the result and not the cause of the problem… I thought that at least I wasn’t telling a total lie, but this honestly felt much worse… I knew I was trying to convince myself it was okay, but I’m too stubborn to be able to even convince myself it seems.

“Wow… I thought it had only made you unable to eat… Jordie I’m sorry I didn’t know…”, she told me, reaching over and gently squeezing my hand. “Why didn’t you tell any of us?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Well for one, we didn’t know exactly what was happening, plus I didn’t figure there was anything any of you could do… It didn’t make the situation any better for myself, and it would have only made you all worry even more… Besides you all were worrying enough as it was… I was put in the wheelchair because of it hurting too much to stand, not because I was too weak. It didn’t matter to me why, except I was stuck in the chair…”

“Are you still in pain now?”, She asked softly, almost afraid of the answer.

I thought about it and told her, “Not really… I mean I still have some discomfort in my knees and hips right now, but as bad as it used to be? Nah… This is barely noticeable… Plus the slime smoothie has a boost of calcium and other things to help my joints… While I might get a few twinges every now and then, its mostly all gone now. They say it’ll probably be completely gone in a few months… If I keep drinking the sludge that is…”

She grimaced visibly, “They fixed the protein issues though? You said that’s what’s in that, right?”

“Well sort of, its basically pure amino acids… You know, the stuff the proteins are supposed to be broken into… It’s also got things in it to help my body absorb it quicker, and some other things to help me get better… I’m going to be on the meds and that stuff for the rest of my life probably.”, I also totally leave out telling her about the testosterone blocker that’s in it, it’s there to help to ensure there is little, if any, chance of what tiny bit of testosterone that’s still in my body can cause an issue with the protein boost. I also left out telling her how the mid-day dose of the blue pill that I have to take was also included in the slime. The damn blue pill that I’m going to be taking for the rest of my life.

Her eyes fell just slightly, “If you have to take that every day does that mean they didn’t fix the problem, and they’re only treating it?”

I took her hands in mind to try to reassure her, she looked worried again, and told her, “They did what they could to limit the mutant enzyme thing… I’m mostly fixed now… I just have to take the meds to counter what’s left in my body… Like I’ve said before, this is better than the alternative right?”

She looked me right in the eyes and softly said, “Yeah… A lot better…”

I caught myself staring right back into her eyes when my body suddenly became flushed again, that snapped me back to attention. Nervously I let go of her hands and asked, “Do you want to do something? I should have warned you, after drinking that mess, I get a little jittery for a while… It helps to do something…”

She sat up straight, it seems she noticed we had been staring long enough to make it uncomfortable, and said, “That sounds like a good idea, what do you have to do around here?”

I thought for a minute, we really didn’t have much for me to do since I’ve been in recovery for the last several months. Suddenly I remembered something we could do so I blurted out, “I know, I still have an extra glove. We could go out and toss the ball around…” I then remembered that I wasn’t talking to Sam my old friend the ball player, I was talking to Sam, my friend the girl… I hastily added, “Sorry, we don’t have that much stuff do to, and I don’t know if that’s still your thing…”

She laughed pretty hard, “Jordie, just cause I’m transitioning doesn’t mean I’m going to stop liking things… I’d actually love to go out and throw the ball around… It’s been a long time, I kinda miss it…”

That perked me up, “Really? Cause I haven’t played since… Well it’s been a while for me too. I’ll be right back.” I then ran up the stairs to my room and grabbed a few worn baseballs and two gloves, and just as quickly I was back downstairs leading her to the back yard.

I actually felt really proud of my idea as I saw the smile on her face as she put her glove on, of course I then realized it probably matched my own as I was putting my own glove on. “I’m going to warn you, I’m probably rusty as hell…”

She laughed again, “I’m sure I am too, now quick talking and hit me!”, she said as she was holding up her glove.

I intended to throw it straight to her, I know my muscle memory remembered the right form, it was just like everything else… My strength wasn’t there… Yet… I was more determined if anything to get back to where I was, or at least as close as I could get. “Sorry…”, I said as she scooped up the grounder it became since I couldn’t throw it hard enough.

“Jordie stop right now okay… It’s going to take time and practice, I’m going to make sure you get the practice.”, she fussed at me, and then threw the ball back to me… I didn’t quite feel that bad, while I couldn’t throw that far, her accuracy was way off, and I had to jump to catch it.

For the next half hour, we just tossed the ball back and forth, her working on her accuracy, and I was altering the arc of my throws, so she could catch my throws. It didn’t take me long at all to realize how normal this felt, it reminded me of being back here throwing with Sam from before… It didn’t matter that I wasn’t as strong, it didn’t matter that Sam was now a girl… I was having fun playing catch with my friend Sam, at that moment everything was right in my world. Unfortunately, my lack of stamina was the deciding factor for when we quit, when the jolt from the slime shake wore off, I was worn out after only half an hour.

As we were sitting down in the living room with tall glasses of ice water, Sam told me, “Jordie, thanks for that… I had forgotten how much I had missed it. That was the most fun I’ve had in a while.”

“Hey, you don’t have to thank me for anything, I had just as much fun… If you miss it so much, have you tried to see if you could join the schools team? They’d be lucky to have you, I watched their pitcher in some videos from last year. You could have out pitched him back when you were ten…”

“I’ve asked… The players really don’t want me on the team, plus the school says it would set a bad precedent.”, she told me. At my confused expression, she added, “With it being a hot topic right now of trans people trying to compete in sports as their real gender, people opposed to that could use me to hurt their chances if I try to play for the boy’s team…”

She just kind of shrugged it off, but I could tell that it bothered her, “Sam that’s bullshit… At least about the players… You were a better ball player then they could ever be. Why can’t people just leave people alone… It shouldn’t matter if you want to play baseball or whatever…” I was a little irate.

She tried to calm me down, “Hey calm down… Thank you though, but they are right. The last thing I want is to be a poster child for the other side to hurt the chances of other trans people… Besides, baseball isn’t the only sport out there… Coach Dawson has already been talking to me… She’d seen me play from before, and since I’ve been on blockers for so long now, she seems pretty sure she can get me on the girl’s team.”

I was still a little pissed, so it took me longer than it should have, “Coach Dawson? Girls team? Wait, are you talking about softball?”, I asked, stunned. That had never even occurred to me.

“Yeah dummy, softball… Fast pitch to be more precise. Personally, I don’t care, its still ball and a team sport, so I want to do it. After just throwing the ball around with you, it reminded me how bad I want to play so I’m going to try. It just seems that their star pitcher graduated last year, and Coach is struggling to find a replacement. They made it to state finals last year, and except for three positions, the rest of the team is returning. I want to try.”, “she said hopefully.

Slightly stunned that she wanted to play, let alone pitch, softball, I tell her, “That’s going to be a lot of work, the mechanics are a lot different for pitching fast pitch. You’ve got what, five months till season starts?”

She nodded, “Yeah, but I’ve been working on it all summer.” She noticed my blank stare and giggled, “The school was made aware of my transition last year, just so they would be prepared. Coach actually came to our house to talk to me and my parents about it. It’s been slow going, but I’ve got my form down. Dad put an old mattress against the fence and spray painted a strike zone on it for me to practice with. You know it would help a lot if I had, say… a catcher to help practice with me.”

I smiled at that and the memories it brought back. Those were our two positions, she could have competed pitching at high school level when we were in grade school, maybe not for speed but for ball control. With me always being smaller, I made the perfect catcher for her. I was already low to the ground and I was fast and nimble, we had made a great team. I immediate thought of something that made me lose it and I started laughing hard.

“Jordan Taylor that’s not funny at all, I was just asking if you’d be interested in helping me… All you had to say was no.”, She told me, and it sobered me up quickly seeing how I’d hurt her feelings.

“Sam, No! That’s not what I was laughing at I promise!”, I pleaded with her. “Sam I’d love to help you, what I was thinking about was that maybe this is a sign from God that you were meant to pitch softball.”

She scrunched up her face trying to figure out what I was saying, she just blurted out, “Say what?”

I started to giggle again, “Yeah Sam… It’s definitely a sign from God… I’d love to help you, and I still have all my catcher equipment.” I paused only for a quick second to compose myself, then delivered it as straight as possible, “And I, by the way… I, ahem, haven’t outgrown any of my equipment…”

The stunned disbelief I read on her face set me off again, uncontrollably this time. She sat there for a few seconds and her expression went from disbelief, to upset, then she slapped me on the leg, then burst out laughing with me. We laughed until our sides were screaming in agony, that’s how Mom found us when she walked in the front door.

“So what kind of trouble are you two up to?”, She asked, obviously amused.

Sam immediately stood up and looked uncomfortable as she glanced back and forth between my mom and me, at that moment I realized I forgot to let her know that Mom and Dad would be okay with her being, well her.

I started to say, ‘Sam its okay’, but mom beat me to the punch and quickly closed the few steps to wrap her arms around Sam.

“Sam, sweetie… It’s so good to see you.”, Mom told her while hugging her, it only took a few seconds to see Sam visibly relax and return the hug.

As they let go Sam told her, “It’s been way too long Mrs. T. I’ve missed being over here.” At that moment I realized that Sam was exactly as tall as my Mom, that put her between five eight, and five nine…

Mom stepped back and appraising Sam’s new ‘look’, she said, “My God you’ve gotten so pretty.” That got Sam to smile, but she also blushed. Mom continued, “So what is a pretty young lady like you doing hanging out with that scoundrel son of mine?” Sam at first looked like she was going to defend me but saw my Mom’s smirk and then she started to giggle.

Not to feel left out I whined, “Moooom, don’t you know how much I resemble that remark?!” At the stern look mom gave me that set me off to laughing again, which only made me grab my sides and utter, “Ow, ha, Ow, ha Ow.”

Sam started to giggle but then we both saw mom’s expression change, it looked like she was about to cry. Sam asked, “Mrs. T., what’s wrong?”

I immediately stopped laughing, thinking my joke had gotten me in trouble some how, I stood up and walked over to Mom and told her, “Mom… I’m sorry I was only joking…”

Mom then quickly scooped me in her arms and hugged me tightly, I glanced at Sam and saw she looked fairly uncomfortable, and I guess Mom noticed it to because she motioned Sam to join us and she quickly pulled Sam into the group hug as well. Mom then whimpered, “Thank you Sam for helping to bring back my son.”

Sam tried to argue, “Mrs. Taylor… I don’t understand… I didn’t do anything… Jordan has been the one that’s been helping me so much today…”

I knew mom was crying now, I felt her tears hit the top of my head as she told Sam, “Sam, you’ve done more than you can possibly imagine… I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh…”

I felt both Sam and Mom’s arms tighten around me and each other, I even could tell Sam was starting to cry when she started to sniffle. I couldn’t escape the two women who were bigger and stronger than I was, and they were holding me tight. The worst part was I felt my own emotions start to betray me as I started to feel my eyes watering up as well. I did the only thing I could do in that situation to save face, and escape. I muttered as loud as I could, considering where my face was buried, “MOM, I can’t breathe! Your boobs are suffocating me!!!”

I felt, more than heard, Sam start to giggle, but thankfully they both let me go. Mom glared at me, with tears still glistening on her cheeks, like she was upset I had robbed her of a good cry. She just muttered, “Oh you!!! Like I said, scoundrel!!!”

She then did something that she used to do to me a lot, she did this thing where she would just softly back hand me with just a flick of her wrist. It never hurt before, and I knew she was just giving me a playful smack, but I winced as her fingers glanced my… where the dodgeball had hit me earlier… Fine my breast… It was my damn breast, okay!?! I quickly tried to mask my grimace, as I covered my… breast… Fine are you happy?!? Thank god right now it only looked like I was a little chunky in my chest area, as long as you didn’t see how rail thin I was almost everywhere else, so they didn’t look like breasts… Yet… Sam gave me a worried look, and so did Mom. It was the look of surprise on Mom’s face that let me know that she knew what it was…

Sam asked, “Jordie what’s wrong?” Mom just covered her mouth with her hands in surprise.

I muttered, “It’s nothing… I just got beaned really hard in dodgeball by one of the seniors… I think its just bruised. I’m okay though.”

Sam gave me one of her funny looks, again like she didn’t totally believe me. Thankfully Mom spoke up to save the day, “Oh, well just keep an eye on it okay… So, who wants to help me with dinner?”

I readily jumped at the chance, anything to get me out of the situation I was currently in, “I’ll help, Sam do you mind?”

Still eyeing me and my mom warily, Sam said, “Sure… I help my Mom cook all the time… I’d love to help.”

With that settled, we all headed into the kitchen, thankfully. As mom was getting things out she told Sam, “Oh… I’m sorry I forgot to mention that Jordan has certain dietary restrictions his dietician set up for him… Him and I typically eat the same thing, occasionally his Dad has to get out to get something more… Robust…” I was silently thanking God that she didn’t say ‘manly’.

Sam was glancing at all the things mom was setting out, she said, “That’s okay… It mostly looks like stuff I eat in my own diet…”

Mom gave her an odd glance, “You have the same restrictions as Jordan?” I softly groaned, but nobody appeared to hear me.

Sam told her, “Well not really… But we’ve done a lot of research, and a lot of foods can be used to boost hormone production… I’ve been eating a lot of soy and stuff like that that boosts my estrogen since I can’t get anything but T blockers right now…”

Mom looked at Sam surprised, “Oh I thought you were already doing your HRT since you seem to be developed some already…”

Without thinking I corrected mom, “No she has to wait until she’s sixteen for that…” At Sam’s shocked expression I realized I made another mistake…

“That’s right… How’d you know that Jordan?”, she asked, slightly aggravated.

“Like I said I’ve read about it… I promise… I’m not trans… Mom do I want to be a girl? Be honest with her.”, I immediately started praying that mom would only answer the question I asked.

“No Jordan, I know you don’t want to be a girl… Sam he’s telling you the truth about that… He wants to be nothing but a big strong man, more than anything…”, Mom stated, I could feel the disappointment in her voice though.

Sam accused, “It all seems kinda weird… You know all that trans stuff, and you’re eating pretty much the same as I am… You know how it looks don’t you?”

“The diet is just because of my issues with protein, that’s the only reason… If you notice most of this is low on protein right… The stuff that typically boosts your T levels has a lot of protein in them… I swear, the stuff I know is because I’ve read it, I was curious and wanted to know more… It’s not because I’m trying to transition…”, I was begging, and I knew it… The truth is, transition is the very last thing I wanted, I wanted desperately to be a big strong guy… The thing is we don’t always get what we want…

Her face softened some, I hoped she could tell I was being sincere, because I really was. “Okay… You know you can tell me anything Jordan…”

I nodded, “I know that… I do… There are several things I’m still struggling with, with my problem… It’s really hard for me to talk about right now…” I felt the tears come unbidden to my eyes, and I tried to wipe them away. “Sam… As soon as I can… talk about it… You’ll be the first to know… Please… I can’t…” My voice cut off completely as I tried to stop the fear from causing me to completely lose it.

I could see Sam’s concern for me as she came over and hugged me, “It’s okay Jordie… I’ll be here when you’re ready…” I felt Mom’s hand gently rest on my shoulder…

I knew I was going to explode any moment, I gently pulled away, “I know Sam… I need to go to the bathroom really quick…” Sam, deeply concerned, simply nodded.

As I was entering the living room when I heard mom tell her, “He’s been struggling really hard over everything that he’s lost…” I wasn’t able to hear anything else as I bounded up the stairs to my bathroom. I had barely made it in and locked the door when the dam broke… I quickly turned the sink faucet on full blast to try to disguise my body wracking sobs. It took me several minutes to get control of myself… I saw the red puffy eyes when I looked into the mirror, knowing I couldn’t hide that… Then I mused, the way my life is heading by next year I’ll be able to hide that and fix my mascara at the same time… Then I started to get angry, compared to crying, anger was good. That was something I had some control over, unlike these damn tears… A few minutes later I had my face cleaned and had gotten myself composed as well as I could, so I headed back downstairs.

It was weird when I walked back into the kitchen. Sam was helping Mom and they were acting like the last half an hour hadn’t happened. I jumped in to help finish, and since tonight was one of Dad’s poker nights he was probably out smoking cigars and probably eating pizza… God I missed pizza… Once dinner was finished, all three of us sat down and the conversation never drifted towards me or my meltdown. We talked about Sam wanting to play fast pitch, and how I was going to help her get ready. Mom even mused that it would be nice if they let boys play softball, so she could see us in action once again. I thought about that for a moment, I might be able to play softball once everything is out, and I might be able to catch Sam’s pitches again… That was the first time that the thought of what was happening to me didn’t upset me. Figures it had to involve sports of some sort…

We were cleaning up when a knock was at the door, Mom went to answer it and left me and Sam alone in the kitchen. She looked at me and asked, “You okay?”

I told her softly, “I’m trying to be at least…”

She hesitantly came up to me slightly reaching her arms out like she wanted a hug, I smiled and nodded okay. She then wrapped me gently with her arms and whispered in my ear, “Jordie… This has been the best day that I’ve had in… I can’t even remember…”

I squeezed her back and whispered, “Same here Sam… Sam… I promise when I’m able to…”

She shushed me and said, “I know… I’m reminding you that I’ll be here when you’re ready…”

I didn’t trust myself to say anything, so I just gently nodded as I felt her warm breath on my cheek and that warmth spread through me again, but this time a little more intense and with tingles all over my skin. Then she surprised me and gave me a soft kiss on the, and that caused the tingles to intensify enough that I shivered. She quickly pulled back smiling, and said a soft, “Sorry, I didn’t know what came over me… See you tomorrow?”

I was caught off guard, but I wasn’t angry that she kissed my cheek. Like before the tingles were new, but really not unpleasant… I smiled and told her, “You better believe it… Thanks for everything today Sam…” I then gave her a quick hug again, and then we went to where we heard mom and Mrs. Wilkins, Sam’s mom, talking.

When we walked into the living room, her mom about mobbed us, asking how our day and everything was… Basically how Mom treated us when she came home earlier… As they were leaving, Mrs. Wilkins grabbed me in a hug and told me how thankful she was that I pulled through, and how I’d been there for her daughter today. I just stammered out the same thing I told Sam, she has always been my friend, and because he became a her, it didn’t change anything to me.

As soon as they were in their car and pulling out of the driveway, Mom came over to me and put her arm over my shoulder and asked, “Are you doing any better sport?”

I shrugged my shoulders, at least I can tell Mom the truth, “I don’t know Mom… Today was a really great day until… well… You saw…”

She gave my shoulders a squeeze and told me, “I know baby…”

“I’m worn out, I’m just going to go shower and go to bed okay?”, I ask her.

I can tell she wanted to say more because she’s still concerned but she nods and tells me, “Alright sweetie, don’t forget your evening dose.”

As I headed upstairs I thought how could I forget, she reminded me to do that almost every night, like I could forget anymore even if I wanted to. I know what happens when I don’t take them, I start getting sick again. Not violently sick like I used to get, but enough that I’m afraid to eat. After spending a few years vomiting multiple times a day, every day, and even if there wasn’t anything to vomit, you soon get to where you’ll do anything to stop feeling sick again. Even if it was taking medicine that while it was giving me my health back, it was robbing me from everything that I thought made me, well me…

It didn’t take me long to take my shower and once I was dried off and brushed my teeth, I opened up my medicine cabinet and took out the damned little blue pill. I hated the fact of how much I needed it, and how afraid I was of not taking it. As I placed it under my tongue to dissolve like I had been instructed, I started to do an inspection in the mirror. Seeing the extra tissue on my chest I realized thankfully they still didn’t look like breasts to me. Except the right one was a little swollen and red from the hit that the goon gave me.

Remembering how much that one had hurt when I got beaned by the ball, I started pressing on both of them, I winced when I realized the left one was almost as sore too. I’d been on the medications for just over five months, and nothing had really happened so far. I had thought everything I had read or been told was going to be wrong. Maybe it wouldn’t change me… The soreness in the tissue was a stark reminder of how foolish hope can be sometimes. It was just a couple of weeks ago when I had noticed the first sign of extra flesh, and now it was pretty substantial. How could they have changed this fast… Then I remembered a warning the endo guy had told me… He had said that due to the malnourishment that I had endured, that it might take awhile for my body to respond to the meds, but once it did that it would more than likely rush in an attempt to catch up on everything that the malnourishment had stalled. The only problem was the pill that was almost completely dissolved under my tongue. It was going to be sending the wrong signals to my body and what it should be catching up on…

I then started to worry just how big they were going to get… Or how much everything else was going to change… Then I remembered reading something I really wished I hadn’t read… For trans-girls to get an idea of what to expect was to look at the closest biological female in their family… Also, the younger someone was, the more hormone therapy would affect them… I really didn’t want to know that right now. I felt the tears start to form, and I no longer had the strength, or desire, to attempt to stop them… I’m only fourteen years old, and my mom is beautiful… She’s also got the figure of one of those old pin-up girls, even though over the years she’s gained an extra ten or fifteen pounds, she has an incredible figure… I thought about Sam, and how she was the lucky one… Of course, she was probably wishing we could swap Mom’s for this, while her mother was very attractive… I realized just how much Sam already looked like her… But anyway, while she was really pretty, Mrs. Wilkins was very fit and trim from all the yoga she did. She was shapely, but I wouldn’t say she was anywhere close to voluptuous, at least not like my mom…

I didn’t know how long I had been crying, or how much noise I had been making, at least until Mom knocked on the bathroom door, “Jordan, honey… Open the door baby…”

I tried to answer her, but couldn’t form the words, so I slowly unlocked and opened the door. She took one look at me and gently pulled me to her, “Baby tell me what’s wrong… Please… Let me help you…”

I whimpered as I clutched on to her as if my life depended on it, “Momma… make it stop… please make it stop…”

She slowly stroked my hair, “Baby stop what? I’ll do whatever I can, just tell me what you want me to stop…”

“It’s started… Please make it stop…”, I couldn’t get any other words out.

“I don’t know what it is baby…”, She tells me, she slowed draws back enough to look at me to try to see what’s wrong… Since I can’t form any coherent sentences I just point to my chest, to which he eyes open wide, right before she pulls me back to her. “Jordan, we knew this was going to happen, its going to be okay… You can get through this baby…” She held me for a long while until my sobbing subsides. She then led me to my bedroom and sat us both down on the bed.

I was still extremely emotional, but at least a lot calmer after all those tears were shed… “Mom… I’m sorry… I don’t know if I can… Knowing this is going to happen and seeing it actually happening… I don’t know how to deal with this…”

Wrapping an arm around me again, she whispers, “Jordan stop it, you are strong enough for anything… You always have been… Even when things were at their worst, you faced so much already that would break most people…”

“This is worse mom… At least when I started getting sick… At least I was still me… Now… I don’t know…”, I tell her starting to feel upset again.

“Jordan, no matter how much your body might change… You’ll still be you…”, she tries to tell me.

“No Mom you’re wrong… It’s already happening… I’ve already started to feel like I’m losing myself, and its barely started…”, I tell her, trying desperately to get her to understand.

“Jordan… Look at Sam, has she changed? It looked to me like you and her hit it off just like old times…”, she tells me.

“It’s not the same thing Mom! Sam wants this, she’s happier now than I’ve ever seen her… I don’t want this… I’ll only be like she was before.”, I say, with tears slowly starting to form again.

“Jordan you don’t know that for sure… You need to talk to Sam… Let her know what’s really going on… She could help…”, She tried to tell me.

“I do want to tell her… I really do… I just can’t…”, I manage to say through all the sniffling.

“Why are you afraid to tell her?”, she asked.

The truth was, I don’t think it was Sam I was afraid of telling. I tell her that, “Mom… I don’t think I’m afraid of telling her… It’s more like… If I say it out loud… It becomes… Real…” By her confused expression I knew she didn’t understand, not like I explained it at all. I tell her, “Mom… Today was the best day that I’ve had since… Today was the first time like I’ve felt like myself since before I got sick… I can’t tell anyone…”

She was still confused, but she said, “Jordan, I can’t tell you how happy I am that today was a good day… We never thought you’d have any more like that… What does that have to do with telling Sam?”

Frustrated, I looked up at her pleadingly, “Mom I liked me, the old me… Today reminded me of just how much I liked being me…Mom if I tell her, if I tell anyone… It’s like I’m admitting that me is gone… forever…”

She holds me, “Baby, just cause your body is changing doesn’t mean you have to quit being you. Only you can define who you are okay?”

Sadly, I shook my head, she still didn’t get it, “Mom you’re wrong… I’ve already started changing… All these emotional outbursts… That’s not me… If I tell anyone, then the old me, the me I like, will only become a memory… Mom… That’s all I have left of me… I can’t lose that… at least not right now…”

No more words of importance were said after that, she just held me as I cried a bit more… After she left my room I lied there in misery over my situation. The closest to a positive thought I had was that I had wished I had gotten Sam’s number… The only thing I wanted to do was to call her so I could make her laugh… Her laugh... That seemed to be the only thing that can drown out my own demons…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 4

---

---

Author's Note: This is still going strong, I want to thank you all for your kind comments, and all of your observations. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. {hugs} ~Rebecca

I woke the next morning feeling drained, well mentally and emotionally at least. I was physically rested, and other than my muscles being slightly tender from my exertion the day before, I physically felt good. It didn’t take me too long until I met my parent’s downstairs at the breakfast table, both eyed me carefully when I sat down with my bowl of cereal. It was almost as if they thought I was going to break or something.

“How are you doing this morning sport?”, Dad asked.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m doing okay, I guess…”

“Well you’re Mother said you had a pretty rough night…”, he stated.

“Yeah… I guess.”, I muttered noncommittally between bites of cereal and soy milk… Yeah, just something else to cause the ‘girls’ to grow…Yay! I’m shoveling cereal as fast as I can, figure the faster I eat, the faster I get out of the twenty questions… The last thing I want to talk about are my feelings, especially about my feelings last night. I still was having a hard time believing I had that big of a meltdown… I knew this shit was going to happen, I still didn’t know why I let it get to me like it did.

“Honey, we’re just worried… I’m making a phone call to Dr. Byrnes… Do you want it to be for today? Or Saturday morning?”, Mom asked me.

“How about not at all… I’m okay, I don’t need to ‘talk’ right now…”, I tell her, desperately not wanting to talk to him at all.

“After last night, that’s not an option. You seem to be doing okay right now… I don’t want to pull you out of school on your second day, but I’m calling the school though.”, she told me, I guess what I wanted really didn’t matter. It’s not like I’ve been able to make many choices lately.

“Okay, okay… Schedule it for Saturday, but please don’t call the school. Please?”, it sounds like I’m back to begging and whining. Hey whatever puts the meeting with him as far away as possible from right n.

She squints her eyes while staring at me, maybe trying to look meaner, “Fine… I’m tempted to call them anyway after you got hurt in P.E.”

“Mom no! You promised to let me have that for as long as I could… It was a senior being a jerk, its no big deal.”, I almost snapped, but pulled back my anger so I didn’t get in trouble… Well too much at least. I know my days of feeling ‘normal’ are numbered, but I needed as many days of ‘normalcy’ that I could get before it gets… Well before it’s no longer normal anymore…

“Dear, we both promised him he could do P.E. As long as he doesn’t get more than a few bumps and bruises, so he’s staying as long as he’s comfortable.”, Dad said in a tone that no one ever argues with.

Mom just sat there in a huff after that, I had to resist the urge to give Dad a high-five. I really wanted to though, after all they both promised me it was my choice… I had finished my breakfast and was rinsing out my bowl when the doorbell rang. Mom was the first towards the door, so I started to get my backpack ready. I had barely zipped it up, when I heard Sam’s voice.

“Morning Mrs. T., Is Jordie ready?”

“Morning dear, its good to see you.”, Mom told her as I stuck my head around the corner.

“Yeah, I’m almost ready. what are you doing here this morning?”, I asked her. She then held out a big sports bag.

“I thought we would walk to school together, and then this afternoon I was going to hold you to your offer.”, She told me with a grin and a small laugh.

Her laugh immediately pulled a chuckle from me, it was amazing how quickly my mood shifted. I told her, “Well you can’t argue with a sign from God, right?” That earned a good laugh from both of us, while Mom just rolled her eyes as if to say, ‘oh great, this again’.

Dad then came around the corner, “Hi Samantha. It’s been way too long.”

Sam looked hesitant for a split second, but Dad didn’t give her much of a chance before he came and gave her a hug. She quickly returned it, “Thanks Mr. T., hopefully you’ll be seeing me more, unless Jordie gets fed up with me.”

I laugh again and tell her, “Doubt that’s going to happen.” Holding up my backpack I ask, “ready?”

We had barely made it out of sight of the house when she stopped and ordered, “Okay, hand it over.”

I looked at her, I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about. Then she pointed at my backpack. I immediately fussed, “Sam, no. I can carry my own backpack.”

She shook her head no, and said, “Non-negotiable Jordie. I promised you I’d help, but I’m not going to let you hurt yourself. So, hand it over. I’ll give it back before we get in sight of the school.”

I fussed and complained, and then fussed some more. I didn’t want her toting my shit for me… I still unslung the pack off my shoulder and handed it to her though. At least she knew I was being forced, as if it mattered. She just smirked as she took the pack, then tested its weight in one hand and her books in the other she nodded as she handed me her things. Before we started walking though, she unzipped my pack and took one of the smaller text books out and added it to the ones I was now carrying.

“There, that should be a good weight to start off with this morning.”, she told me, slinging my backpack over her shoulder. I really wanted to be mad at her, I just couldn’t though. I knew she was simply trying to help. I still glared at her as menacingly as my five-foot four frame could though. I quickly pulled the books up and held them against my breasts as we started walking. I logically knew they weren’t really noticeable, but after last night I was extremely self-conscious of them and wanted to make sure they stayed hidden.

Noticing that she was giving me an odd look, I ask, “What?”

She quickly looked forward, and said, “Nothing… I was just wondering after last night how you were doing today. You seem to be doing a lot better…”

Nodding I grumbled, “Yeah I am… Other than not being able to tote my own backpack that is…” She just laughed, which made me smile back… I don’t know why, I just couldn’t help it. I added, “Every now and then I get overwhelmed with everything… I’m sorry you saw that…”

She got fairly serious and said, “Jordan, I’m not… You’re my friend, and that’s not just when everything is going great okay… Nobody can be strong all the time… That even includes you… Besides, I’ll let you in on a little secret… Yesterday, with it being ‘my’ first day in school, I was totally overwhelmed, I felt close to breaking down a few times.”

I looked at her in surprise, I saw her yesterday and she had seemed pretty calm. I asked, “So how’d you deal with it?”

She looked back at me and smiled softly, “At first it was pretty hard to deal with, because I was alone most of the day…Nobody wanted to sit by me or talk to me…And the stares people gave me… Then I found a good friend that I had thought I’d lost… He made all the difference…”

At that moment I felt myself start to get choked up just a little. I remembered how it felt to be alone when people quit coming to visit…Even thought I told them to stop coming by… Sam was still healthy, and even though she might look different, she was still Sam. And in my opinion Sam was pretty damn cool. That pissed me off that they would treat her like that, so I tell her, “I’m glad I was there then. Besides… It’s their loss if you ask me.”

“Thanks, Jordie… That means a lot.”, she said, giving me a genuine smile. She thought for a moment, “I was going to hold on to it a bit longer, but ready to get your backpack back? We’re almost there, and you haven’t need to rest yet…”

It was then I noticed where we were, I had honestly thought I would have needed a break by now, even with Sam carrying most of the stuff. Nodding I tell her, “Yeah I don’t really feel that tired, so I think I’m good to go.”

It took us less than a minute to swap our things back around, and then we finished the last few blocks with both of us lost in thought. Right before we were going to separate to go to our respective home rooms, I told her, “You try and have a good day okay… Don’t let the assholes get to you.” We had compared our schedules, the only class we shared was science on our “A” days, since today was a “B” day we didn’t share any classes.

Bumping my shoulder with hers, she smiled, “Thanks Jordan, you too okay. See ya this afternoon for the walk home.”

“I’ll be here.”, I promised her as I turned towards my home room.

I had no sooner sat down in my chair and said hi to Teddy, when Coach Bowen told me to go to Principal Miller’s office. He only said that he needed to see me. Most of the classroom was laughing, because this usually only happened when people were in trouble. This was only the second day, so I haven’t had enough time to get into trouble… Yet. My imagination started running wild… From what my parents had told me that Mr. Miller had been informed of what was going on with me, and that most of the teachers would know as well. Only so they could keep an eye on me. I sighed inwardly, this must have something to do with the dodgeball incident yesterday. As soon as I walked into the office I was told to go directly to Mr. Millers office.

I found his door open and as I knocked on the open door, he looked up and said, “Please come in Mr. Taylor, could you close the door and then have a seat?”

I did as was asked, and once I sat down I asked, “Am I in trouble for something? I don’t remember doing anything I wasn’t supposed to…”

He looked surprised as my question, then he softly chuckled, “Oh no Mr. Taylor, you’re fine. I actually needed to talk to you about something. Something pretty important.

I inwardly groaned, my fear started to set in. This just didn’t sound good. I meekly say, “Okay… But, uhh… Mr. Miller could you just call me Jordan… Calling me Mr. Taylor makes me feel like my Dad is in here…”

Mr. Miller chuckled, “Okay Jordan. I wanted to first let you know, that the teachers here, myself included, pride ourselves in the safety of our students. Especially those students who face… Let’s say they face unique circumstances.” I gulp, knowing now that he’s talking about me, but he continues, “All our teachers are instructed to keep an eye out on those students, a bit more than the others. Well yesterday I got a report from one of my teachers about something that happened. Now I’ve already called your parents and...”

I interrupted, “Sir, if this is about what happened in dodgeball yesterday, it was just a hard hit. I’m okay its no big deal.”

Confused, he responded, “Excuse me? What happened in dodgeball?”

Now I was the confused one, “Wait… This wasn’t about me getting hurt in dodgeball?”

“What? No, it wasn’t. What happened in dodgeball? More importantly how bad did you get hurt?”

Now I was totally confused if this wasn’t about me, but unfortunately, I’ve now made it about me. Sighing, I said, “Mr. Miller… Nothing happened, other than one of the seniors beaned me pretty hard… It just hurt more than it should have…” I self consciously rubbed where I had been hit, it was still a bit tender.

His eyes widened just a bit, “Oh… I take it that…” He looked like he didn’t know how to say it, so I decided to let him off the hook. After all I knew that the school had been informed of the procedure, and medication that had saved my life. They also knew what changes the meds would likely cause.

I muttered, “Yeah… They’re growing… But not enough to be noticeable yet… I can still stay in P.E…”

He nodded, “You were afraid about being pulled out of P.E. weren’t you?” At my nod, he continued, “While I have your waiver ready, its up to you to decide when you’re ready for it to be put into your file. Or if it becomes too noticeable, but I trust you’ll come to me voluntarily before that happens.”

I nod and ask, “Yes sir… If this isn’t about me, then why am I here?”

He smiled gently at me and told me, “Well you’re actually here because of Samantha Wilkins. We’ve been concerned how students would accept her here, and while I haven’t heard any reports of any harassment, it seems that students are avoiding her. We can’t do anything about that… I did get a report from Mr. Reeves though about something that happened yesterday afternoon.”

Trying to remember if anyone had upset her, I told him, “I was in his class, I didn’t see anyone harass her or anything. I’d have said something if they did.”

He chuckled, “I know that Jordan, and from talking to your parents I now know you would have said something had someone harassed her. It seems your parents feel you have an overdeveloped sense of right and wrong and that its gotten you in trouble a few times.”

I shrugged my shoulders, “I don’t know about trouble… I might have bitten off more than I could chew a few times… I just can’t help it… So, what happened to Sam that I didn’t know about in Mr. Reeves class?”

“Well Jordan, what happened was a good thing. It seems that all of Miss Wilkins former friends have been avoiding her… Being alone is never a good thing for someone your age, especially when someone has the challenges that she is already facing. Mr. Reeves told me about how you interacted with her. When I had my idea, I called both of your parents first to talk with them. They both informed me that you had been friends for a long time and were pleased that you still seemed to be friends.”

“Well, yeah… Sam and I had always been friends… While I was always friends with my other teammates, Sam was closer to being my best friend than anyone else.”, I told him. I just now realized something about our friendship. Sam had always been so focused, and intense. I could tell now that she had been overly masculine around our other friends. Not when it was just us though, I thought since I had always been so much smaller than everyone she didn’t have to try to overcompensate with me… I snapped back to give Mr. Miller my attention and asked, “Look, I’m not going to abandon Sam if that’s what you’re worried about. She is still my best friend.”

He smiled at me, “I wasn’t worried about that Jordan, I was going to ask you a favor. One I’ve already cleared with your family, that is if you’re okay with it.”

I raised my eyebrows slightly, anytime I heard the word favor there usually wasn’t anything good in it for me. I asked, “Umm what kind of favor?”

He sighed, “Well Jordan… Like I said earlier, it seems that she only has one person that isn’t avoiding her. We checked and had hoped that your schedules would overlap more than your science class. I was wanting to know if we moved a few things around in your schedule, only your “B” days though, if you would be okay with that happening.”

“No, I don’t mind at all… What are you going to move around?”, I ask.

He looked slightly relieved as he told me what they were wanting to do. Other than moving me to a different lunch period it was no big deal, two of my classes were only a single semester and next semester those would change. By moving those around and my study hall it would put me in every class with Sam, except for my study hall. The later lunch kind of sucked, but then again, I’d get to eat with Sam at least.

“What do I have to do to swap everything?”, I asked.

He told me, “Since today is the first “B” day, nothing other than agreeing to the change. I take it you don’t mind this?”

“Not at all, Sam’s a good person so if moving my schedule around can help her, it’s the least I can do.” I tell him.

Mr. Miller punches the keys on his computer for a few moments and then says, “Okay Jordan, it’s done. Just pick your new “B” schedule up outside. I’ll send the message to your teachers today.” He then stood up and shook my hand, as I started to open the door, he added, “Jordan… This isn’t only to help Sam you know… We know what it is that you and your family are expecting to happen… I think this might help you as well.”

I nodded, “I kinda figured that sir… The reason I’m doing it though is to help Sam…”

He nodded, and as I was walking out the door, he said, “Jordan… Anytime you need to talk, my door is always open for my students. You know that don’t you?” I just nodded, damn emotions had me scared to say anything, and then closed the door. I grabbed my new schedule and headed to my first class.

As I walked into my U.S. History class, I noticed it was almost an exact repeat of yesterdays Science class. Sam was sitting on the far-left side of the class and all but the seat directly in front of her was empty. Realizing now what the people were doing to her just infuriated me. She was engrossed with playing with her phone, I guess in an effort to ignore those ignoring her… She apparently didn’t see me walk up to the seat next to her.

“Hey, is someone sitting here?”, I asked her.

She looked up and it took her about a second and a half for her to register that it was me, her face brightened immediately, “Jordie! What are you doing here? I thought you had Health class this period.”

That weird warm feeling passed through me for a split-second seeing how quickly she brightened up, trying to hide it I just smiled and shrugged, “I got sent to the Principals office first thing… He told me that I had a class reschedule… So, I’m here.”

She looked at me like she didn’t believe me, “Are you sure that’s what really happened?”

I grinned and shrugged, “Mostly.” I then handed her the folded paper with my new schedule for today.

She quickly read over it, “You’re in all my classes but P.E… Jordan what really happened?”

She was looking like she might be upset, so I told her, “Mr. Miller told me how people had been avoiding you… Then Mr. Reeves told him yesterday about us hitting it off… Mr. Miller called our parents and talked to them. They thought it would be best if I changed around my classes for my “B” days…”

She peered at me and asked, “They did this and didn’t even ask you? I’m glad you’re here, but they should have run it by you first…”

I chuckled, “He got the schedule figured out… He said it was me if I wanted to do it though.”

Her face softened, “Oh… So, I take it you said yes?”

I told her smiling softly, “Without any hesitation…”

For a moment I thought she looked like she was going to cry, she looked away for a moment and took a few deep breaths. She turned back to me looking really relieved, “Thank you Jordan…”

I grinned, “Remember? Non-shitty friends…” That got her to laugh and she just nodded and smiled back at me.

Shortly after that Mrs. Tate started the class, and well it was U.S. History… Mrs. Tate was a sweet old lady, but she looked like she had witnessed most of what she was teaching, and she was dry and extremely boring. I did manage to stay awake, well mostly…

While we were getting our things together after the end of class, Sam looked over me and said, “Jordie, I’m really dreading my next class… I’m wondering if I should see if I can drop it altogether…”

I knew that her next class was P.E., and that she was going to be going to the girl’s class. I tried to reassure her, “It’ll be okay Sam… You can’t let people get to you okay cause you’re different. It couldn’t be that much worse that being the midget in my class. I know its really different, but still. You can do this.”

She sighed, “Okay… I’ll try… I wish though I was as strong as you are.”

I laughed, “So says the girl that’s been carrying my stuff for me…”

She laughed pretty hard and gave me a soft shove, “You dork, you know what I mean… Thanks Jordie… Seeya at lunch?” As I nodded she stepped closer and gave me a quick hug, and a soft kiss on the cheek. My entire body immediately felt flushed again, and as she let go of me I noticed some of the students staring at me oddly. I just glared at them until they got uncomfortable and turned away, then grabbed my stuff so I could go to study hall.

As I was walking, my thoughts started drifting towards Sam and what she might be facing in the girls P.E. I had no idea how the students might treat her when she was by herself, and I found myself wishing I could have gone to her class with her. Only so I could support her and be there for her. Being in a girl’s only class is the last thing I would ever want. Hell, if my body changes like I’m afraid it will, I might be forced to attend class with her before the semester is over. I pictured that I might end up looking like a smaller and younger version of my mom. How would I ever handle looking like that… But then I started picturing that girl in class and joking around with Sam. Maybe if Sam could stay best friends with that girl it might not be so terrible. At that moment I caught myself unconsciously smiling… As I dropped into my seat in class I groaned. That thought should be terrifying me more than it did. The fact that it didn’t, is what truly scared me.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 5

---

---

Author's Note: Once again I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the comments that you have gifted me with. Most have left me pretty speechless, which my daughters probably think is an impossibility. I do want to say, there is a place where I'm sure several of you are going to be screaming at the story for the kids to open their eyes. Just remember they are only 14, and with both of the challenges each one has faced, they are naive, and not as socially advanced as one would expect them to be. Add to that, they are still struggling with their individual problems, which distracts them from what's right in front of them. I truly hope you all enjoy this next installment. -~Rebecca

I’d like to say that I was able to focus and catch up on the reading that I didn’t get done last night due to my meltdown. I couldn’t though, my mind kept drifting back to how much the changes terrified me last night and then just now how I seemed more than okay with the possibility. I didn’t think I was okay with being a girl, just the thought of my body becoming all curvy sent a shudder through me. I spent most of the two-hour study hall in thought, the only thing I could figure out were the thoughts that had included Sam. Picturing myself as a girl, did scare me, but picturing myself as a girl with Sam… That didn’t seem so bad. Whatever it was, Sam was the key… She was after all my best friend, but did I think of her more than that? I didn’t know honestly. With the sickness and then the sudden surgery, I’ve never really had a chance to feel attracted to anyone at all. I never thought I’d have the chance to ever date or like someone like that, I honestly didn’t know what it felt like. I did know that if I thought of us being more than friends, that stupid warm, flushed feeling would happen. I kept wondering if it was some kind of weird hot flashes I’ve read about when one’s hormones get all screwed up, and I know mine most definitely are. Great… Just one more embarrassing thing I’ve got to discuss with the endo guy on my next visit…

I was still musing over my thoughts when I sat down with another lunch from the pasta line… With the exercising and everything I’ve been doing, carb loading seemed like a good idea. I was still lost in thought when Sam sat down.

“Hey you okay?”, she asked, obviously concerned.

I smiled at her, I found that I couldn’t help it, “Yeah… I’ve just been thinking a lot… About stuff… two hours of study hall gave me a lot of time to think…”

“Okay… You know if you want to talk about stuff… I’ll listen… I just wanted to make sure you were okay, you looked kinda upset.”, she said.

“Nah, I wouldn’t say I was upset…”, I start to say, but I can tell by her eyes that she doesn’t believe me. I continue, “Well maybe… Whatever it doesn’t matter anyway… I’m a lot better now… You seem to be in a good mood though, P.E. not as bad as you thought it would be?”

She smiled really big, “Not at all! Well it was kind of weird at first… Some of the girls didn’t seem to be cool with me being there… That and I had to change and shower in the Coach’s bathroom… I understand their reasoning though… But anyway… The cool part… Several of the girls in my class are on the softball team. Coach has already told them about me wanting to pitch, and even shown the captains some video from when I was pitching baseball. They’re all excited for me to start practice with them next month.”

“Next month? Softball season doesn’t start till next semester… Why so early?”, I ask.

She said excitedly, “Well Coach is hoping for us to take state this year… If I can get ready by the start of the season at least… Several of the girls have offered to help me…”

“Oh…”, I told her, trying to hide my disappointment. Then I asked, “So you don’t really need my help then?”

Her eyes widened, “No Jordie, I want your help. I told the girls you were going to help me practice. It would be like old times… They said that on the weekends that we could meet up at the practice field with them… If that’s okay with you… They can help out with having me pitch against live batters…”

I sighed, “Whew… You started to worry me… I was looking forward to catching your pitches again… So, I take it at least the players are cool with your… Well the real you?”

She nodded, “Yeah… I don’t think they really cared one way or the other, a couple of them today I’m pretty sure are lesbians… While they didn’t say it, they weren’t hiding it either… Shelly and Rachel seem like they’re a couple… Once Coach had showed them some of our game films Coach Bowen shared with her, they were excited about having me…”

With her bringing up a lesbian couple, it made me quickly return to my earlier thoughts. Were we more than friends, could we be, especially once my changes become known… I hesitantly ask, “Umm Sam? Do you mind if I ask you a question? If it’s too personal just say so okay.”

Seeing how serious I was being, she said, “Go ahead Jordie… I don’t mind you asking me anything you want to know.”

With me being afraid, sorry more like terrified to tell her the whole truth, that just made me feel even worse about asking, “I was just wondering… Since you said the girls were lesbians it made me realize I didn’t know if you were attracted to guys or girls… If you don’t want to say… That’s okay…”

She smiled at my nervousness, “You know I’ve never really thought about it… I had all the gender stuff going on in my own head all those years… I guess there wasn’t much room for all that… Well that and baseball…” She giggled, which made me smile. She thought for a few moments, and she looked at me and blushed slightly as if she was embarrassed. She then looked down slightly, and said, “I think I can see myself with a guy… If he was the right one.” She then looked back up at me with that shy smile I rarely saw on her.

My heart sank slightly with that news. If she was into guys, then all my musing about the what ifs was pretty much null and void. I’m barely a guy as it is, and that will be disappearing sooner than I’m ready for it. She must have seen my mood shift, she misread my expression and quickly said, “Hey don’t worry, I wasn’t ever checking you or any of the other guys out on the team or anything… I assume though you’re straight?”

That was something I’d ever thought about either, I told her, “You know I’ve never really thought about it before either…”, at her raised eyebrows I added, “With me getting sick so fast… I honestly thought it was something I’d never get to have… So, I refused to think about what I might miss… It was just easier that way… But to answer your question… I’d have to say I’m straight. I definitely like girls.” I almost had to bite my tongue to keep from adding, ‘Well, at least one specific girl.’

Her expression changed slightly, I couldn’t read it though as she said, “Oh… okay…” I watched her as she looked down and moved some food around on her plate, but not really eating.

After a few minutes of sitting there in silence, I kept wondering if I had said something to upset her. I ran my words over and over in my head and couldn’t think of anything, so I asked, “Sam what’s wrong?”

She looked up at me with a forced smile, “Sorry… Guess you’re not the only one who is thinking about… You know stuff…” She glanced around and looked over at where some of the softball players were sitting together, and she looked back at me suddenly, “Oh I forgot… Coach and some of the other girls were wanting me to ask you something. When we started practice, if you weren’t busy if you could come out and give us a hand.”

Surprised at the sudden mood shift, I asked, “Umm, why do they want me to come? It’s not like I could play or anything.”

She responded laughing, “You, dork, of course you couldn’t play in a game or anything, but since we’re going to have to find and train a new catcher as well, the girls and Coach thought you could help teach her. Plus, I thought it could help you out as well.”

Raising my eyebrows, I tell her, “I don’t mind helping you all at practice at all. How’s it going to help me?”

She genuinely smiled, “I just thought it would get you used to working with the team, plus helping you get into shape for when you try out for baseball. You were going to try to get back on the team, right?”

I totally understand what she’s doing now, so I forced a smile, “Yeah… I have Coach for homeroom and he’s told me that all I have to do is ask, and I’m back on the team.” I tried my best not to look upset, only because I knew it would upset Sam. The truth of the matter was I gave up any chances to place baseball ever again, at last once my hormone regiment was started. I didn’t know how long I could hide the changes, but I really didn’t believe that I could hold out till the season started.

Her eyes were bright, thankfully she must not have seen through my fake smile, “That’s awesome news… Still it wouldn’t hurt to help you get into shape, right? You’ll still come help us?”

At least I got to replace my fake smile with an honest one, her cheerfulness helped me drastically. Without any hesitation, I say, “Of course I’ll help.” I paused for a moment to enjoy her smile as it reached her eyes. I then added, “You know Sam, you didn’t have to give me all those reasons to do it.”

“Really? I thought you’d think it was weird helping out the girl’s team.”, she asked.

I softly tell her, “Sam I would have done it simply because you asked me to.”

For a moment it looked like she almost wanted to cry, but she cleared her throat and reached over to clasp my hand as she told me, “I’m really glad you’re my best friend Jordan.”

I tell her, once again using ever bit of willpower not to give away the hurt I was feeling at that moment, “I’m glad too, best friends, forever right?”

She grinned and nodded, it was at that moment I absolutely knew… I knew that I wanted more than to just be best friends. I didn’t even know what ‘more’ meant, I mean since the sickness and the surgery I’ve never once gotten, well, excited… So, it wasn’t a sexual thing… I just wanted… Well more, for whatever that might mean. It didn’t really matter anyway, it was just another thing to add to my growing list of things I won’t be able to have. I kept trying to tell myself, it’s still better than the alternative… I was starting to have my doubts though, it’s becoming harder and harder though to convince myself.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

The rest of the day was mind numbingly boring… It was high school after all. We both shared classes for the rest of the day and as it was becoming normal for us, we sat together. Except for the times we had to go to our lockers, which were on opposite ends of the school, we were together. Like that old Tom Hanks movie, we ‘was like peas and carrots’… Yeah, I knew that I had spent too much time watching Netflix after I was pulled out of school last year, but that was one of my favorite movies.

Thankfully today I didn’t have to take any books home, I was able to catch up on my reading from yesterday during the last two classes. With it still being the first “B” day most of the teachers were just preparing for classes to start. Unlike Mrs. Tate who insisted on starting ‘real’ class this morning… I was noting how without any of my text books how much lighter my backpack felt, even just from yesterday morning. I knew I hadn’t gotten noticeably stronger in that time frame, but from the activity the last two days I didn’t feel as tired as I had been accustomed to.

I was walking up to our meeting spot outside of school, and I saw Sam already there. I noticed she looked a bit upset, so I asked, “What’s wrong?”

She groaned and with her eyes directed them to a group of snooty girls not too far away, “Just the Barbie clones over there, they keep pointing and giggling at me… I can’t hear what they’re saying at least, but still… It just makes me uncomfortable…” I then glanced over at the group and they were laughing and pointing, Sam said under her breath, “Jordan don’t look at them it’s okay…”

I glanced back at her, and seeing how they upset her royally pissed me off, “No Sam it’s not okay… Not in the least…” I then glare at the ‘clones’ and as soon as Lisa, their ‘like, you know, uhh, leader, duh’ makes eye contact, I use my social finger to let her know just how much I think that her and her posse are number one in my book. They then have the nerve to look surprised and offended, serves the damn bitches right. I keep glaring at them until they decide to walk away from us, then I heard Sam.

“You really are something Jordan… Isn’t it going to bother you what rumors they are probably going to tell everyone?”, she asked.

I shook my head, “Nope not at all… They’re stupid bitches who think popularity and being ‘pretty’ are the most important things in life… It’s all superficial bullshit if you ask me… So, fuck em.”

She gave me a hug and whispered, “Thanks for standing up for me.”

I hugged her back, “You don’t have to thank me… You know me, I can’t help but stand up for anyone who needs it…”

As she let me go she softly chuckled, “Yeah I do know you… Even no matter how badly it might hurt your reputation for doing so…”

I could see guilt on her face, and that about killed me. I knew she was feeling guilty for what would probably be said about me. I reassure her, “Sam stop it okay. They’re stupid bitches, you are so not either one of those. You’re a fucking cool ass chick who doesn’t need the approval of ‘Superficial Barbie’ or anyone else. You’re also going to be the star pitcher that’s going to take the team to nationals…” As she smiled and nodded, I couldn’t help but grin as I add with a smirk, “Besides don’t worry about my rep okay. Earlier during study hall, I heard some people calling me the midget zombie… So, my rep can only go up… Besides, let’s just go already. You know it’s my turn to work you out this afternoon.”

She giggled at me, “I can’t wait… Thanks again Jordan… For like everything…” I just smiled and nodded to her… She also totally forgot to take my backpack from me for the walk home… I didn’t even need to take a break either. With whatever else might be happening to me, at least I’m getting better, at least physically.

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

We took a short break when we got to my house, so I could drink my Cinnamon Vanilla Slime. Sam stayed in the kitchen while I drank it, even though I told her she didn’t have to. She had told me it looked so horrible for me to do, she didn’t want me to be alone, so we could both suffer together… She did decline a taste test of it… I couldn’t blame her in the least.

It took us almost a half an hour to drag out and set up all our old stuff from the shed out back. Thankfully the pitching net was still in good shape, as well as our home-made pitching ‘target’, made from an old swing set and a hula-hoop cut, taped together, and suspended from the swing set to approximate the strike zone for her to aim at. We then got the tape measure and spray-painted home plate and set the pitching board into the make-shift mound at the appropriate distances.

We ended up spending about fifteen minutes just throwing the softball around, it was just different enough from throwing a baseball we felt we needed to practice some basics. Another fifteen minutes her practicing softer pitches at half distance before we started the actual pitching. Thankfully she had brought almost thirty softballs, so with our two five-gallon buckets, me carrying the empty one to set the caught balls in and the full one for her to pitch from, we got started.

At first, she was struggling with her accuracy slightly, only one out of four pitches she hit the glove dead on, the other three I was having to move the glove a good bit. By the time we had rotated the buckets out four times, she was down to hitting the glove three out of four. We spent the next five rotations working on nothing but her speed, once we had pretty much nailed down her accuracy.

I wish I could say I didn’t need it, but after the fifth rotation of the buckets I had to grab the make-shift stool Dad had made to sit on. Crouching like I was, and even with the pads on my leg guards doing all the squats was taking its toll on me, and by the time we got done, my legs felt like they were going to catch fire.

By the end of practice, even though it was obvious she was tired, Sam’s fastball was impressive. That was the only pitch we had worked on today since that was going to be her ‘bread-and-butter’ pitch, I was amazed how well she did. It showed her practice during the summer had helped her tremendously. Once she had practiced that one until she could throw it in her sleep, we would move on to a different pitch, and so on. I was expecting us to work on her change up by Thursday and her curve balls by next Monday.

The biggest thing I noticed though, while at school Sam seemed a bit shy and unsure of herself, at least around anyone other than me, is the confidence she had standing on the mound. It brought back so many good memories for me, not that Sam was still a guy and miserable, but because of that connection we had always had. That connection shared by the pitcher and their catcher, and ours had always been strong Having that connection once again felt better than I ever remembered.

That evening after we hugged, and she left, our night was as normal as ever. The parental units seemed excited to see all the old pitching stuff set up in the back yard and did the twenty-question bit about how the practice went. Like earlier, when I was practicing with Sam, this was almost like old times.

After I showered, and the mirror was defogged, I stood there looking at my reflection. I tried to take note of everything about my body. I was still super thin, but no longer emaciated like I had been. I took note of my muddy blonde hair, that was looking pretty unkempt and shaggy. Yet another thing mom suggested that I reluctantly agreed with, it hadn’t been cut since I started the hormone therapy. Her idea was once I looked more female than male it would be good not to have super short hair, and until then as long as it stayed shaggy it was an okay enough look for a guy to have. I then took a look at my blue eyes, they were a fairly deep blue, but under certain lighting conditions you could see flecks of green in them. I then pulled my phone out to compare the pictures I’ve been taking once a week since I started on the road to recovery. My shrink thought it would be a good idea for me to track the progress… Saying something like that seeing how wasted away I had been, even if the changes I saw weren’t what I wanted, that they would still be positive compared to the skin and bones in the first picture.

I looked back at the mirror, and I still saw a guy… Sort of, if he was from like Oz or something. Anyway, I was male, and looked male… Even with the slight pudge around my chest. Then I compared it to the pictures. Just the one from last week I could see noticeable differences, even though they were slight. Comparing the pictures though the closer to the present I got the changes were getting more noticeable from picture to picture. I gulped as I realized that it was indeed speeding up, just as the endo guy said it probably would.

At least I held it together, unlike last night. Maybe I was slowly coming to terms with it, or maybe it was just that I didn’t have the energy in me after last night. I was putting on my PJ bottoms as I heard my phone ding that I had a text.

{Sam text} *** You still up? ***

{Me text} *** Yeah… About to go to bed, what’s up? ***

{Sam text} *** I won’t be able to practice Friday. I have a group meeting. Want to come with me? ***

I had already told her all she had to do was ask something and I’d probably do it. Not like rob a bank or anything, geez… I wouldn’t do that… Although I might think about it…

{Me text} *** Sure, what kind of group. ***

{Sam text} *** It’s my trans support group. I want you to meet my friends there. ***

I gulped, thinking why she would want me to go to a trans support group. She had asked me if I was trans, and I honestly don’t think I am… At least not like any trans person I’ve read about. Maybe she didn’t believe when I denied being trans… I was going over all the scenarios in my head when my phone dinged again.

{Sam text} *** I don’t mean to be pushy… If you don’t wanna go it’s okay… ***

Taking a deep breath, I type back.

{Me text} *** I’d love to go with you. What time?”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 6

---

---

Author's Note: Well the muse has been in high gear all weekend, thankfully I've been having a bit more time to write. So far the story is still going really strong, and once again thank you all so much for following this. Hoping you enjoy.-~Rebecca

The next morning as Sam and I left my house I asked her the question that had been bugging me since her text last night, “I was wondering… Why do you want me to go with you on Friday? Would it be okay for me to go? Aren’t those supposed to be private for the safety of the group?”

She glanced at me with a slightly raised eyebrow, it must have been something I wasn’t supposed to know. She responded, “Usually they are invite only by the mediator… Occasionally, like every few months or so they hold a ‘loved one’s group, which includes friends or family. Since you were my friend, I just wanted to take you… The group had been worrying about my first day back at school… So…”

I smiled at her, it made sense to me now. Most of the panic I had felt earlier passed away just about as quickly as it had set in last night. “So, you want to show me off? Is that it?”

Now she looked slightly uncomfortable, “No that’s not it! I mean… I… Look I was scared of going back like this… As the day progressed, it just got worse… While nobody said anything directly me, hell they didn’t say anything at all to me… Then it was like you came back from the dead, and walked into my Science class… Unlike everyone else, you didn’t judge me… So maybe I do want to show you off… It’s not every day a girl gets to have her valiant knight ride in on his great stallion to save the day, you know.”

Remember me saying how I have a gift of being an ass without even trying? Yeah… So, this was getting too serious, and I had to do something to defuse the situation. She might see me as some hero on a gallant mission to save the day, but that wasn’t me. I wasn’t any kind of hero… I was just some scrawny runt that couldn’t even be honest with himself let alone those closest around me… I tried to joke, “You must have mixed me up for someone else, because there isn’t any way that could have been me… Maybe if it was like a My Little Pony or something, but there’s no way I could ever get on a stallion.” I tried to chuckle, but it was horribly half-hearted, even to my own ears.

She stopped and looked at me angrily, “Jordan don’t do that!”

Confused I asked, “Do what? I was just making a joke.”

She scolded, “Stop making fun of yourself, it’s not funny!”

I argued, “Well it kind of is Sam, look at me I’m a runt… That’s the truth… I’d rather joke about it then be miserable all the time…”

She countered, “Well you’re miserable about something almost all the time! You do a good job of hiding it, but I’ve known you for too long Jordan Taylor.” She softly put her hand on my shoulder as she said much softer, “I know something is bothering you. It’s something pretty big… I want you to know you can trust me Jordan. I promise…”

I felt the moisture start to form on my lower eyelashes. I wiped my eyes and tried to sniff away the tears forming and said, “Sam… I know I can trust you… It’s just… While I’m glad to be alive… What was done to save me… I lost so much… I can’t…” My voice caught and there was no amount of sniffing that would stop the tears, Sam quickly pulled me into a hug while I took about half a minute to compose myself. As I pulled back from her, “I promise you, when I’m ready… You’ll be the first to know… I’m sorry… that’s the best I can do…”

She pulled me back into a hug and whispered, “Okay Jordie… When you’re ready I’ll be here…”

I nodded into her shoulder and feeling really short at that moment, I let out a watery chuckle, “And trust me being short is the least of my problems.”

I felt her nod her head and she softly giggled, as she pulled back she looked deep into my eyes and told me, “Okay, if you say so… I do wish one thing though… I wish for a second that you could feel as big as I see you… You’re a bigger person than most Jordan, that I promise you…”

I nod, afraid to say anything else because I was afraid of starting to cry again… She pulled out a couple of Kleenexes out of her purse, or satchel looking thing and handed them to me. Once I composed myself I thanked her, and we continued in silence to school, both of us lost in our own thoughts. More than once I caught Sam watching me with concern, I tried to ignore that, and also try to ignore my damn emotions. After telling each other bye, we split and went to our prospective homerooms. I realized at that moment just how much I was dreading the rest of the day, at least until I met Sam again in our last class… Trying to put on a brave face, and bury my emotions at the same time, I pushed on through the door.

Sitting down next to Teddy, he asked, “Hey, where were you yesterday? I didn’t see you at lunch or in study hall.”

I shrugged, “Yesterday I got told they needed me to swap my “B” schedule around to help another student.”

That perked up his curiosity, he asked, “Who needed your help? You pretty much just came back from the dead yourself…”

I hesitated to tell him who, not because I was ashamed. I wasn’t ashamed in the least. I was afraid if he said something extraordinarily stupid that there wouldn’t be enough students in here to remove me off of him, especially in the mood I was in. Taking a deep breath to try to keep my calm, I told him “Sam… Figure I came back from the dead, and she’s now a girl… Everyone had been avoiding her and when I bumped into her in Science, it seemed like she really needed a friend.”

He kind of snorted, “Really?!? Sam?”

Coldly I turned and looked at him, “Teddy, I’d be extremely careful if I were you. Sam has been a friend for a long time, and she still is, and will continue to be my friend.”

Teddy could tell I was serious, he quit laughing at least, “Jord, don’t you think its weird that he’s come back saying he’s a girl now?”

I snarl, “Teddy, Sam is a girl… SHE’s also my friend… Do you remember how I take it when people bully or insult my friends? Or do you need a reminder?”

He looked down on me, “Dude, do you really think you could take me now? I’m not the same kid I used to be.”

I started to stand up and said, “Do you want to find out? Cause you know that I won’t stop.”

He held his hands up in a peaceful gesture, “Dude, calm down… I mean… It just seems weird to me… I didn’t mean anything about it okay?”

I eased myself back down, but I was still pissed. I asked, “Have you tried to talk to her since she’s been back?” He just shook his head, so I told him, “You should… She’s a really cool person Teddy…”

Something had told me that no matter the physical upgrade Teddy had gotten he was still the same kid I knew. I still was amazed that he would back down from someone as tiny as myself. I hoped that it was our friendship that made him back down, at least the friendship we used to have. As much as I hated to admit it, I honestly don’t see that kind of friendship in our future anymore. Considering how badly I had wanted to rekindle things exactly how I had left them, that thought didn’t upset me that badly. Maybe hoping I could make things just like they were, even for a short time, was stupid and foolish… It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been called either of those things.

I didn’t say much to Teddy after that, not even when the bell sounded to go to our first class. I was still slightly mad at him, but quickly realized I was mostly disappointed in him. No matter how big and muscular he was now, he was still that scared guy afraid of his own shadow. I started to feel guilty for confronting him like I did, but I was feeling really protective of Sam, and the guilt quickly subsided.

Nothing exciting happened for my next two classes, well unless one finds English and Algebra exciting… As if that’s even possible. Walking to lunch I was trying to decide what I was going to do at lunch. With the confrontation with Teddy this morning, I really felt unsure sitting with the jocks… I didn’t really belong with them anymore, and a small part of me wasn’t really wanting to fit into their group.

As I grabbed yet another plate from the pasta line, I heard Rick yell out my name. Looking at the table there was a few of the freshmen guys already there, and they were all looking at me, well all of them but Teddy. Sighing I figured why not get it over with, so I went over to them and sat down.

“Sup guys?”, I asked casually.

Rick answered, “So where were you at man, we missed seeing you yesterday.”

I glanced over at Teddy, and while he wasn’t making eye contact with me, he must not have filled them in about what was said this morning. At least he had that going for him, maybe he was worried I’d confront him again… Who knows… I looked at the guys and thought, fuck it, if I get my ass kicked because they insult Sam, I’ll just get my ass kicked. Wouldn’t be the first time, and I highly doubt it will be the last. I sigh, “Principal asked me to swap around my “B” schedule to help out a student. Before you ask, it’s Sam… I agreed to do it, because it seems all her friends dumped her cold…”

Only two of the guys started to chuckle, the rest, including Teddy just looked down at their plate of food. Jason, he was a second string back when I played, laughed, “So you ditched us to hang out with the freak?”

I stood up glaring at him, “Fuck you Jason! How funny do you think that is? You know what’s even funnier than that asshole, is that even with Sam transitioning she’s still a better ballplayer than you’ll ever be… Isn’t that funny? Huh second string?”

“Go to hell pipsqueak!” he all but shouted, “I’m a starter not you… Who’s not even on the team anymore if I remember right.”

“You’re only starting because I got sick, if I didn’t you’d still be stuck where you belong, back in the dugout where you can go back to picking your nose.”, I yell back. I don’t even register that he’s got me by about five inches and at least sixty pounds. It probably wouldn’t matter to me even if it did register.

Rick stood up, “Enough you two!” He glared at me, “Dude do you have a death-wish?” Then he spun around to Jason who was gloating, “You think this is funny? You know how Jordan is, you’d have made me pick between you… Jason, you would have lost.”

Jason yelled, “You’d pick that nobody over me? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Much more calmly Rick said, “Jordan is right about one thing… If he hadn’t have gotten sick, you’d still be in the dugout… One more word and I’ll talk to the Coach about this Jason… Remember I’m the freshman captain… Don’t try me, it won’t be hard to train a new catcher.”

Jason and his buddy, Nick, stood up and took their plates and moved to a different table. Both of them glaring at me, I was just glaring back at them when Rick ordered, “Sit Jordan, now!”

I looked up at him surprised, “Geez okay, Dad…” I couldn’t resist the jab, but I sat back down anyway. I was actually impressed though, it seems Rick had changed a lot more than just growing bigger.

At that Rick snorted, “Dude you really haven’t changed one bit, have you?”

I shook my head, “Not really… I still look eleven…”

He sat his hand on my shoulder, “Sorry dude, but that’s not what I mean, and you know it. Even if you’re a runt, you’ve still got the heart of a lion.”

I sigh, “Not sure what good it does me in the frame of a housecat…”

“Don’t go there…”, He scolded. “That fight that you have in you is what pulled you through and kept you with us. I hope that never changes.”

Tom chipped in, “Damn straight Jord.”

Changing the subject, Rick said, “So you moved your schedule to help Sam?” I just nodded, “That’s cool Jord… You two were always close… I’m glad to see she’s got you there for her.”

I retorted, “Well she’d have more than just me if her friends didn’t just drop her like a hot potato.”

I could see both Rick and Tom wince at my accusation. Rick said, “Yeah we had that coming… It’s just… awkward I guess is the best way I can say it… I don’t fault her or anything… I mean I knew Sam as a guy almost my entire school career… I don’t know what to say to her… It’s just…”

“It’s just fucking weird is what it is!”, Teddy blurted out. Finally deciding to look up from his food. “I’m sorry Jordan, but it creeps me the fuck out… Go ahead and try to kick my ass, but I’m sorry it is!” He then stood up and stormed out of the cafeteria, leaving his tray on the table. I started to get up to go after him, but Rick put his hand back on my shoulder and held me in my seat.

“Just let him go Jord.”, he told me. “You can’t get through to him by threatening him…”

I groaned, “Ugh I know… Rick, you need to talk to Sam… If you don’t know what to say I have an idea, start with “Hi Sam, sorry I’ve been a douche…”

Rick laughed, “Well that would be a way to get a conversation started. So… How’s she doing? I heard Dawson is trying to recruit her for fast-pitch.”

I nodded, “She’s doing pretty good. I’ve only practiced with her yesterday… Her fastball is impressive already, I can’t wait to work on her other pitches.”

Both of them looked surprised, Tom asked, “So you’re actually helping her more than just hanging out at school?”

I nodded, but glared at Tom, but he stopped me short, “That’s actually pretty awesome… I’d like to see you two in action again… That was a beautiful thing to watch.”

Rick laughed, “Yeah when you two were in your zone, the rest of us didn’t ever have anything to do but watch… At least with you helping her, we know that she’ll make the team.”

I felt better about Rick and Tom, but Teddy still pissed me off. Rick was right, threatening him wouldn’t change anything… As I was getting up from the table Rick told me, “Jord, tell Sam we said hey and good luck.”

I smiled, “No Rick I won’t. You talk to her, both of you… You know what you’ll find out when you do?” At their blank stares I said, “That Sam is still Sam… She’s just better now… Just talk to her alright… If not, I’ll kick both of your asses.” I grinned.

Both of then chuckled, but Rick said, “I definitely don’t want that. Seeya in the gym squirt.”
I laughed and nodded and headed on my way… My way straight to hell, I mean P.E... I can’t believe just three days ago I wanted this, and wanted it desperately… Of course, getting hit as hard as I did in one of your boobs really changes a person… I chuckled as I wondered if there might be a Hallmark card for that…

{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

As much as I was dreading this I walked into the locker room, thankful I was early. That way I could go ahead and get changed before a big enough crowd was there to possibly witness anything. I quickly changed and went into the gym to wait, not wanting any more conflict with Teddy. It would push Rick into the middle of it, and that’s not what I wanted to do. So, I waited and stretched some. With all the walking and softball practice most of my muscles were tight and sore, but again that was good. That was why I was wanting so desperately come to this class, so I could get in shape… With the stuff I’m doing with Sam, maybe I should seriously start rethinking the waiver.

It was about that time when the guys started pouring out of the locker room. I noticed Rick walking in with Teddy and talking to each other, Rick gave me a nod, but Teddy completely ignored me… Which was fine with me right now. Then my favorite person came out, Lurch… The guy that beaned me two days ago, well at rollcall I learned his name was Brett… Personally I thought Lurch fit him better, but maybe that was just me…

Today after we did some stretching and some light exercises, the main form of torture was basketball… I mean I liked basketball okay, but I’ve always been short, so I was severely handicapped. Today’s game was one on one, and just my luck I got paired with Brett… That put me at a foot handicap… It was weird at first, he got to shoot first and yeah, he scored, and didn’t even have to run around. He could just shoot over my head and I couldn’t do squat. I was pissed, after his fourth shot I made a risky move and managed to steal the ball from him.

He just sighed, “Okay runt, do your best…” He looked bored, which just made me angrier…

Between that and my natural competitive nature, I managed to fake and get around him to score… Not just once but three times… Then I realized he was just going easy on me… So, I started talking smack to him… I just wanted him to try to win at least… I actually saw it when his temper flared, it didn’t take much actually… I hadn’t ever seen anyone loose it that quickly… Needless to say I got shoved around and fouled every shot I attempted… After the fifth time I hit the floor, Coach intervened and sent me to the bleachers, so he could give the guy the riot act in his office. That only caused Brett to glare at me even worse… I really do seem to have a way with people… Instant asshole here remember? Just add attitude…

Rick came over to check on me, but I shooed him away… I was fine, and after warning me to be careful, he headed back to resume his match with Teddy. Once Coach came back out he sent Brett to run laps and stuck me shooting hoops by myself… This sucked worse than getting knocked down every thirty seconds…

Thankfully Coach let me hit the showers first, since I was shooting by myself… Guess that’s one perk of my condition. I was washed, dried, and dressed before the first guy came into the locker room. I just went back into the Gym to wait out the bell. Even thought I didn’t really get hurt today, this was worse than Monday…

I was so relieved when I walked into the Science room. Sam was already there, and before she saw me her expression looked like she was having as fun of a day as I was having. I was already smiling at her when she looked up and she smiled back.

“So, your day looks like it’s been as fun as mine.”, I tell her jokingly.

She sighed, “Ugh… At least its better now.” She gave me a small half smile.

I just smiled and nodded, “Agreed.”

Class was boringly normal, and thankfully none of the students laughed or caused any issues for Sam. I’d have probably snapped at them, I had been wound up tighter than a snare drum since homeroom with Teddy. I think we both needed a calm relaxed evening, since we both kept our conversation away from topics that would set either of us off. Mostly we talked about things we could do to maximize our pitching practice. I was thankful for the reprieve from having my emotions pulled every which way. I also felt that after she saw my meltdown earlier Sam was playing it safe with me and keeping the conversation light. She even let me carry my backpack home too, even if she did keep a close eye on me.

Once home, we resumed what was quickly becoming our routine. She sat and waited for me to drink my slime, and she gave me a few minutes to rest a bit before going out to practice. It didn’t take her too long until she hit her groove, maybe twenty or so pitches and with her arm being rested she was nailing the glove… After maybe the fourth bucket rotation I suggested we start working on another pitch… Even with the glove, my hand was killing me from the strength of her throws…

We spent the rest of our evening practicing her change-up, she was able to throw a few more rotations of the buckets since she wasn’t having to throw as hard. Thankfully with all of her practice from baseball and with the adjustments she’s already made for fast-pitch she adapted quickly. I hoped by tomorrow we’d be working on her curve balls, so we could give a good showing to the softball captains on Saturday. Another positive was that I was also able to hold out longer from having to using the stool to sit on, while my legs still burned, I was at least lasting longer… Any progress was a good thing.

I visited with my parents at dinner, and as I was telling them about my day I decided to leave out the confrontation with Teddy. I hoped he would come around, but I was okay if he didn’t… As long as he didn’t let me hear him dissing on Sam at least. Once the dishes were cleaned up I realized how tired I was, and not the excruciating exhausted I had been used to feeling. This was just a good kind of tired, if that made sense. To me it meant I worked my body enough that I was making gains… I gave my parents a hug good night and went upstairs for my nightly shower and inspection.

After the shower and I was dried off I was in front of the full-length mirror in my room. I could see a difference in my muscle tone since I started walking a month ago. I quickly pulled up my picture from then and compared to what I was seeing now. Yeah, I was skinny still, but I had definite muscles forming, mostly in my thighs and calves. I also noticed my ass was getting more firm… I mean I wasn’t all muscle bound, but I was definitely firming up. My upper body though was still pretty skinny… Time to start trying some home exercises for my upper body… With the extra pudge forming behind my nipples I decided to start doing some push-ups. Maybe strengthening my pecs could draw some of the ‘fat’ that had formed… I was drawing up my PJ bottoms when I heard my phone ding.

{Sam text} *** Just wanted to say good night, and thanks for today. ***

{Me text} *** Good night to you and sweet dreams Miss Wilkins :-) ***

{Sam text} *** lol that makes me sound old! Sweet dreams to you Jordan. I’m just glad tomorrow is a ‘B’ Day. ***

{Me text} *** That makes two of us… Cya tomorrow ***

I lay there reading her messages, and then quickly pull up a picture that I had snapped earlier. I had told her I needed one for the caller ID on my phone. I ended up taking six or seven because she kept making faces. I paused on one where she was laughing and sticking her tongue out at me… She looked so happy and carefree in that moment… I promised myself that I would do whatever I could to make sure she looked like that as much as possible… I stared at the picture a bit longer, and then let out a deep sigh and turned off the lights, and wished for peaceful dreams.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 7

---

---

Author's Note: Sorry for how long this one has taken to get out... My kids shared some crud they brought home from school and getting the dialog to flow right while being on cold meds has been... I'll just say interesting, lol. Thank you all so much for reading. Hope this one lives up to the earlier chapters...-~Rebecca

I’d like to tell you the next two days were full of excitement, but they were basically normal… Well as normal as it could be for a fourteen-year-old guy, who’s almost died, been neutered, fed female hormones, and basically is transitioning against his will. To top that off, his best friend is a trans girl who he wishes was more than a friend, but she likes guys and he’s afraid to tell her how soon he won’t be a guy anymore… Yeah, Thursday and Friday were pretty normal…

Thursday being a ‘B’ day meant that except for her P.E. we spent the entire day together. At least Sam has quit trying to carry my stuff for me, but she still keeps a close eye on me to make sure my stubborn ass doesn’t try to overdo anything. We did get invited to sit with the senior softball captains at lunch, and they were surprisingly pretty cool. They genuinely seemed excited to have Sam start pitching, and they were impressed how much we were already practicing so she would be ready for the season. We also made plans to meet them at the softball field on Saturday afternoon, seems a few more of the girls were wanting to come along as well. Hey, the more the merrier right? I found it odd how the girls were wanting me to practice with them, after all my guy friends haven’t asked me once to hang out with them. The girls had wanted to meet in the morning, but I had my appointment with the shrink… I only told them I had an appointment… I really didn’t want any of them to know I was having my head examined… Including Sam…

Thursday evening, we spent half of the practice working on her change up and then moved to her trying a curve ball… Turns out with her being so used to throwing a smaller baseball, she was able to put a wicked spin on the softball, at least to her right. Unless she was throwing to a leftie her curveball to the right would be unusable, unless she wanted to hit the batter. The last few buckets of balls we spent swapping up her pitches and refreshing our hand signals in our memories.

Friday was back to an ‘A’ day, which brought me back to P.E. Teddy and I didn’t talk at all, and I didn’t even see him at lunch… Jason and Nick of course didn’t sit with us, and it was creating a rift in the team… I was feeling guilty for that, after all it was my fault, or so I thought. I offered to sit somewhere else, but Rick wouldn’t hear of it. He told me it didn’t matter if I wasn’t on the team right now, we were still friends… Yeah, I almost got all weepy at that, but faked a few sneezes and rubbed my eyes to disguise any evidence of tears.

At P.E. we played dodgeball again, and because I’m a competitive idiot, I started running my mouth again. Unlike earlier this week, I didn’t wear out as quickly and I rarely got hit. Then again, when I knew I was going to get smacked I protected my boobs at all cost. Since Brett couldn’t hit me, and with my smack talk, he exploded at me… Which got him called back into the Coach’s office to get chewed out… Then I got pulled into the office after he was done with Brett… Coach then told me to go easy with my trash talk… Brett’s family was splitting up and he was blaming himself… That explained the anger, and I promised not to push his buttons… Brett was already gone when I got out of the office, so I couldn’t apologize… Yeah, the poor guy is struggling, then he roughed me up, and I’m the one that turned out to be an asshole… I told you I have a gift…

We didn’t practice any, as soon as I got home and drank my ‘nutritional supplement’ we only hung out for about half an hour. Then Sam rode her bike home to get ready for the meeting, oh yeah, she’s been riding her bike over here in the mornings, so she can walk to school with me. I was under orders to be ready by 6:15 so her mom could pick me up to take us to the meeting. I really was nervous about going… It wasn’t because I had issues with the group, I was more afraid that someone would ‘read’ me somehow and mistakenly out me as transgender… I know it was an irrational fear, but its funny that no matter how irrational it might me, its still fear. I hated being afraid of anything, especially with what I’ve already survived through.

I was ready right at six, which was a good thing since they were ten minutes early. Mrs. Wilkins stopped and picked us up some Burger King since my parents hadn’t gotten home yet, and they hadn’t eaten yet. We still managed to walk into the Metro Center twenty-five minutes early and Sam and I were the only ones there. Well except the guy leading the group, Dr. Rodrick. Sadly, I already knew who he was…

“Hi Samantha, who is your friend?”, the Doc asked.

She took my hand to introduce me and while she was grinning, Sam told him, “This is my friend Jordan… He was my best friend from before… He still is.”

I had to rescue my hand from Sam, she didn’t realize she was still holding on to it, and I stuck my hand out, “It’s nice to meet you Doc.”

We chatted for a couple of minutes, mostly about inconsequential things. He said he wanted to wait for the group to start before we discussed anything important, so Sam and I wouldn’t have to repeat ourselves. After a few minutes Sam had to go to the ladies’ room, her sweet tea had run through her fairly quickly and she’s already told me that her blockers made her have to pee a lot. That left me and the Doc in the room by ourselves.

The Doc gave me a calculating stare and a smile, I knew that look. It was one my therapist gave me quite often, he was studying me. He asked, “So Jordan… It’s refreshing to see someone of your age with an open mind. I’m glad that Samantha had you stay with her. To be honest, I was worried from what she had told me about her former teammates. She hadn’t mentioned your name before though, I know I’d have remembered it.”

“There’s a good reason for that probably… There had been a rumor going around that I had died…”

“That’s a horrible rumor to spread? Why would they have believed it?”, he asked dumbfounded.

“It’s because I almost did…”, I start to tell him, then take a deep breath and continue, “I was pulled off the team two seasons ago because I was so sick… I did almost die… The rumor wasn’t too far-fetched…”

He told me, “Son that’s horrible… If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”

I respond, “Sir, I think you already know…” At his blank stare I add softly, “Dr. Byrnes has been wanting me to transfer to you for a while…” As his eyes opened wide I say, “Yeah… That’s me…”

He asked, “Are you going to share any of that tonight? You’d be more than welcome to.”

I shook my head, “No sir… I’m only here for Sam… She doesn’t know yet, so don’t tell her… I’m just not… I’m just not ready for that…” He just nodded solemnly.

Sam came back in the room a few minutes later, “How are you two guys doing?”

I smile, “We’re getting along fine.”

The Doc nods and says, “Samantha, your friend is a remarkable young man. I’m glad you brought him tonight.”

She smiled as she sat back down and without thinking she took my hand in hers, I let her and didn’t say anything… Only because I didn’t want her to let go. She said, “Thank you Dr. Rodrick, and yeah… He is pretty amazing.” She said that last part looking right at me and that flushed feeling ran through me again…

I caught the Dr. staring at us with an odd expression on his face, so I asked, “About how many people usually come here?”

He told me, “The numbers vary from meeting to meeting, we can have as little as four or as many as twenty-four show up. The Loved One’s groups usually don’t see as many people, only because some are still in the closet and don’t want to trust Cis people they don’t know…”

We started just talking small talk waiting for people and by seven there were eighteen people in the room. There were young kids with their parents, a few older people with their spouse or close friends. I did think it was odd that Sam was the only person in high school here… I’ve ran the statistics before, if they held true we would have six or seven people with some sort of gender problem… Then I realized that if there were any our age that came to the group, with the friends and family night they probably would have stayed home. Especially if they had seen how Sam was initially ghosted by everyone she had known.

First were the introductions that went around the room, Doc decided to go clockwise around the room, which put Sam and I last as we sat next to the Doc. For the introductions, most just gave their name, age, how long they had been transitioned, or for the friends, just who they were to the group member. When it came time for me, I just told them my name and that I was here to support my best friend Sam. She was still clutching my hand, and I was too much of a fool to let go…

Next, Dr. Rodrick told us all the rules, like that anything said here stays here, and trust is the most important thing. The typical things I had already expected. Then several of the people, mostly of the younger ones, asked Sam how the first week of school went. She squeezed my hand softly and glanced at me with a soft smile, and I thought I was going to melt from the inside out… I just squeezed her hand back and gave her a smile of encouragement.

She started, “Well at first it kind of sucked… I mean I knew what to expect after I came out on my Facebook… As most of you know I went from having over three hundred ‘friends’ down to less than fifty in just over two hours. Most of those left was family, at least the family that didn’t disown us…”

That pissed me off, I hadn’t known that so many people had abandoned her. I interrupted her, “I’m sorry… I didn’t know…”

She smiled, “I know… It’s okay, you had other issues going on at the time…” Turning to the group she continued, “So my first day at school as Samantha… I expected people to call me names, or something like that… I had actually prepared myself for that… Instead they ignored me, or they’d whisper in their groups then point and laugh… I was really considering the option my parents gave me to transfer or even to homeschool…”

Doc spoke up, “Samantha, you know running never solves anything, it only postpones them.”

She nodded, “I know… That’s why I only said reconsider… I wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction by running… I learned that from a good friend…” She glanced over at me and gave my hand another small squeeze… I felt a lump form in my throat as I saw her eyes starting to mist slightly. All I could think was please Sam don’t cry, because I know I’d join her if she did at this moment.

One of the younger girls, probably around eight or nine, asked her, “So what happened?”

She smiled, “My best friend in the whole world walked into my last class of the day, and the only open seat was with me…”

The same girl looked at me and asked, “Was that you?”

I nodded, “Well I couldn’t just let this really cute girl sit at a table all by herself.” The girl giggled, and I saw Sam blush and look away trying to hide it from me.

Then the girl teased, “Sam he said he thinks you’re cute… You got a boyfriend your first day.” I chuckled, only because Sam blushed so much her ears turned bright red.

When she looked back towards me I told her, “Go ahead and tell her what made it even better than that? You know, the reason it was my first day back too.”

She looked at me to make sure I was okay with it, I just grinned and nodded, so she said, “Jordan had gotten really sick in seventh grade, and was pulled completely out of school in eighth grade… During the summer someone had heard that he had died, and we all believed it… So, when he walked into that class… It was like he came back to life, just so I wouldn’t be alone…” She glanced over to me and I could see the first tear start rolling down her cheek, as she softly said, “I know that’s not what really happened… But that’s how it feels to me Jordie… It’s like you came back to life just to save me…” The second tear rolled down her cheek and quickly more started to follow.

I gently tried to wipe her cheek with my free hand and told her, “You know? That’s one of the best reasons I’ve heard of why I possibly survived…” I gave her a gentle smile and she finally let go of my hand… Only to pull me into a hug where she clutched on to me with everything she had as I felt her body jerk as she silently cried. She held me hard enough I couldn’t have escaped if I even wanted to, so I just wrapped my arms around her and tried to tell her it was okay. Then I felt a tear run down my face as I felt how desperately she was holding on to me. Great… She’s got me doing it now…

After several long moments Sam composed herself and pulled back far enough so she could look at me, “Sorry Jordan…”, she apologized wiping her eyes.

I actually chuckled softly, “Hey its about time that it was your turn. Lately it’s been me being the one that breaks down.”

She smiled softly at me, then we remembered that we had an audience. Most everyone else had that expression you would expect when someone saw a new puppy or something similar, a few of the older ladies were wiping their own eyes at our exchange. Sam immediately blushed as she let out a low moaning, “Oh God…”, as she tried to cover her face with her hands.

I was feeling a little self conscious myself, so I did what I normally do, I made a joke… I leaned over to Sam and said, “So what should we do for an encore?”

She glared at me for a split second before starting to giggle, then she gave me a gentle shove, “You, dork!” Even though she almost pushed me off my chair I grinned at her, after all this was what I wanted, to see her smile.

The rest of the meeting was mostly just people asking questions of each other, a big sharing of information and experiences. I learned a lot, at least even more than what I’ve learned by all the reading I’ve done. Listening to some of the ladies who transitioned later in life, I realized I might have more in common with them that I thought. Due to their age, they couldn’t do anything to stop their puberty back then and their body changed in ways they didn’t want… I could relate to that. Maybe I am transgender… Or maybe I wasn’t, but I am becoming more trans with each passing day. I asked a few questions, mostly how they coped with their own earlier puberties. I got a few odd stares from Sam, so I tried to ask more generic questions and not be too obvious.

As the meeting was over one of the young girls came up and shyly told me that she wished she could get a friend like me one day, I leaned over and told her, “Even if you don’t find someone like me to be your friend, I’ll be your friend okay?” Which got me a big hug from her, and also her mother. Even Sam gave me a hug and told me how sweet that was of me. I just told her I know the importance of a good friend, so… Dr. Rodrick did shake my hand and tell me how nice it was to meet me, and how he hoped to see me again… I caught his underlying meaning, I just told him we’d have to see.
I rode in the back of the car on the ride home, Sam had to fill her mom in on what went on in the group. At least the part about getting to ‘show me off’ to the group. I just sat there smiling at her excitement, it just made me feel good to be a part of it. I did get those weird hot flashes a few times when she turned back to look at me while smiling. I’ve decided whatever those are, they sort of feel nice, and it wasn’t worrying me near as much as it did when it first started happening.

After I got dropped off at home, I did get the inquisition from my parents. Mostly they were wondering if I’d be interested in meeting with Dr. Rodrick now that I had met him. Yeah, they knew about Dr. Byrnes wanting to refer me. I just told them after the group discussions, and meeting him, that I’m not quite as opposed to it as I was… I escaped upstairs as soon as I could, I knew I’d have to be up early for the meeting with my own therapist thanks to the meltdown earlier this week. I quickly got my shower, and with it being Friday night I did my end of the week routine of taking my picture, so I can track my progress of my changes… I mean my recovery…

I spent about half an hour comparing the new picture along with all the others over the last few months. It was funny, but not in a ‘ha ha’ kind of way, how by itself my current picture just looked like a small boy with a bit of pudge around his chest. Comparing it side by side with one from two months ago on my tablet though… I realized I didn’t look near as boyish as I had thought… While I knew I had gained some weight, the comparison only drew my eye to where I had gained the most… My breasts and even my hips were more noticeable in the comparison… My breasts… While still small, I could definitely make out the shape of breasts… I pressed on them to check, only to feel them extremely tender. Apparently, they were still in a ‘growth’ stage, how awesome... Not! From all the walking and basically doing squats during our baseball practice have helped to tone my legs and behind some, I was starting to get some shape now… Just not the shape I was wanting to see.

As I got in bed, I grabbed my phone and was looking at another picture. It was one that I took of my best friend with her laughing. I couldn’t help but smile myself, as I remembered the feeling I had for causing her to laugh, as another soft warm feeling filled me. While I was staring at the picture, my phone beeped at me indicating a text.

{Sam text} *** Thanks for going with. I’m really glad you were there. ***

{Me text} *** I’m glad I went. Your other friends are cool. Was nice to meet them. ***

{Sam text} *** See you tomorrow at your house at noon for practice? ***

{Me text} *** Wouldn’t miss it for the world. NN Sam Sweet dreams. ***

{Sam Text} *** You too. NN Jordie. ***

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the morning’s appointment I couldn’t sleep in like I had wanted to, after all it was Saturday. Unfortunately, I was awake by seven and once I did my morning business I checked my weight before getting dressed, another normal ritual of mine. I had gained five pounds this past week with all my exercising, I was up to a hundred and seven pounds now… Then I realized it also might be all the times I had frequented the pasta line at school too. After a quick breakfast with my mom we were soon on our way to have my head examined once again… I used to love Saturdays…

It appeared that Doc was waiting on us, as soon as we walked into his office he was ready and raring to go. I unfortunately was not…

“Hi there Jordan. It’s been almost a month since we last talked, you’re looking good.”, He told me his smile almost completely hidden behind his beard.

I just shrugged, “Morning Doc… Thanks I guess… I’m feeling better…”

He raised his eyebrows at my lack of enthusiasm, “That’s good to hear… You ready to start?”

I respond, “Not really, but the sooner we start the sooner I can get out of your hair.”

As he motioned for us to go into the ‘room’ for our session he joked, “You got a hot date to get to, or something?”

I again shrugged, “Something like that… I’m helping a friend practicing some ball… I don’t want to be late is all…”

He was sitting down, but nodded, “That’s good, so you’re getting back into baseball?”

I sighed, “No… Not really… My friend is learning to do fast pitch, so she can pitch for the upcoming season… I’m just helping her get ready… Some of the other softball players are going to be there too so we can work with live batters… Plus its good exercise for me…”

He nodded, “So are you planning on going out for the baseball team? I know how badly you were wanting to…”

I shook my head, “Nope… Don’t see any reason to now… It’s not like I’ll be able to play by then anyway…”

“Really? Why not?”, he asked.

It pissed me off when he played stupid like that, I snapped, “You know why!” Immediately I regretted losing my temper and after taking a deep breath, I say, “It’s the reason I’m here today… The changes have started, and comparing my pictures… I just won’t be able to play by then… It’s as simple as that…”

He sighed this time, “Your mother was quite concerned when she called me. I know we had talked about what to expect… You had seemed to accept that it was going to happen…”

I snorted, “Well I don’t know what to tell you… I accepted that it’s going to happen eventually, but actually seeing it… This soon? It caught me off guard is all, no big deal… I had a moment when it hit me, the moment passed and now I’m fine… Nothing to worry about… So, can I go now?”

“Jordan… I’m not worried about you having a ‘moment’… What I’m worried about is that you didn’t have one sooner than this one. From what your mother told me this ‘moment’ was extremely intense… Holding back your feelings until they boil over isn’t healthy and it could be dangerous… I just want to make sure that you’re prepared for…”

“Holding back my feelings? Are you serious?”, I ask dumbfounded. “I can’t hold anything back anymore! It’s like my body wants to start bawling over nothing!”

“Jordan we’ve gone over this… While it’s intense now, once you get used to having your heightened emotional states… You’ll be able to start dealing with it in a much healthier way.”, he said trying failingly to calm me.

“That’s it though, I don’t want to have to deal with it! Yes, I had a moment when I noticed my body starting to change, and yes, I had a meltdown… As it sunk in though… I don’t know… I guess the changes aren’t as scary as they once were… I think I can deal with them… It’s just the damn emotions… It’s all I can do at school to not break down in tears when something stupid gets to me.”

“Jordan, I understand how this is frustrating for you… It’s okay to get upset about things… Do you think its wrong to get emotional or to cry?”

I shrugged again, “No… Not really… It’s just… I’ve just never really had the need to cry before.”

He shook his head in disbelief, “Jordan, I find that hard to believe… You’ve never felt like crying before? Ever?”

I shrugged yet again, “Yeah I guess I might have felt like it… But what was the point in it… It never seemed like it would accomplish anything, so why bother… When I broke my arm in soccer, I mean it hurt a lot… Crying about it wouldn’t have helped so… I didn’t…”

Sadly, he shook his head, “Jordan… That’s what I’m talking about… Bottling everything in isn’t healthy… That leads to what happened the other night…”

I blurted out, “But I wasn’t bottling anything up. I swear! I mean, I felt like I wanted to cry and crap… I just didn’t need to… So, I didn’t…”

“You expect me to believe that you can just control it like that? You can just turn off that emotion like a switch?”, he asked.

I sighed, “Well I used to be able to… Now… Well that’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

He shook his head, “No Jordan, that’s not why you’re here… I’m trying to help you realize its normal to cry every now and then. It’s perfectly acceptable to cry, even for a guy. So, you’re saying that even when you were pulled out of baseball, and then stuck in the wheelchair, that you never once cried?”

I shook my head, “Nope not once… It wouldn’t have gotten me out of the wheelchair or back on the team…”

Looking at me sadly, “You know that would have been the perfect time to have a ‘moment’ like you called it… Your life was spinning completely out of control Jordan…”

I interrupted, “That’s exactly why I didn’t… Everything in my life was out of my control, and I mean everything… My emotions, and being able to keep them in check… That was the only thing I had any control over… Tell me how it would have helped if I had of cried? Can you?”

“Jordan… I’m not saying it would have cured you, but it usually helps to be able to let it out… No one would have thought less about you if you had of let it out…”

I shook my head, remembering those really dark days before they found out what was actually wrong. Before I started sending my visitors away and asking them not to come back. They had all been crying, well most of them had been. Most of my teammates looked like they had wanted to but held it back, well all but Sam… he had cried, a lot. Even back then when I thought she was a boy, that one had hurt the most. I started to feel the tears form in my own eyes from the memories. I tell him with my voice starting to break, “You’re wrong… It doesn’t help… Everyone that I saw when it got really bad were either crying or wanting to… So, I couldn’t… And now look at me… See what I mean?”

I saw the concern on his face when he asked, “Why couldn’t you? What about them crying made you choose not to cry?”

I was wiping the tears now, sadly they were flowing faster than I could wipe. I muttered, “Because Doc… Everyone who was crying over me… They had already given up hope… They already knew I was going to die… I just couldn’t… I mean… I wasn’t ready to give up…”

He reached over and placed his arm on my shoulder and gently asked, “You think that crying is a sign of giving up?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… Maybe… If it is… What’s this say about me now?” He stared at me in concern, I was able to only hold it back for a few seconds, then I completely broke down…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 8

---

---

Author's Note:Well the muse was highly productive this weekend. I want to say thanks to all of you following this. I'm so pleased that you all are enjoying. With that, here we go. Enjoy {hugs}-~Rebecca

The ride home was quiet, Mom was obviously concerned about me. Dr. Byrnes had called her in after I lost it and she had stayed with me the rest of the session just in case it happened again. Thankfully I was able to hold it together for the rest of the session. Of course, with him witnessing my meltdown my sessions got increased to twice a month instead of once a month. He did try to tell me how I needed to meet Dr. Rodrick, I did get some amusement when I told him I had already met him. I confessed that I wasn’t as opposed to transferring to him as I used to be, but I still wasn’t ready to do it. I still was having a hard time thinking I was transgender, even though I was actually transitioning.

No sooner did we get home, I rushed upstairs to change into my practice clothes and sent a text to Sam to let her know I was home. I couldn’t help but smile when she responded a few seconds later that she was on her way over. I was putting my equipment in my bag when the doorbell rang. I heard mom getting the door and a minute later Sam bounded into my room.

“Hey Jordie!”, she said as she came over and gave me a hug. I felt the tension from the morning instantly melt away. “Hey are you okay?”

“Yeah, better now at least.”, I tell her as she released me from the hug.

With her brows wrinkled up, she asked, “What’s wrong? If you don’t feel up to this today, we can call it off.”

I shook my head, “No… I need to do this today, you can’t imagine how badly I need to do this…”

She pulls me over to the bed and sits us both down, “What happened this morning? You had an appointment… Is everything okay? You’re not getting sick again, are you?”

Seeing how worried she was, I told her, “Oh no! I’m not getting sick, it wasn’t a medical appointment… It was… It was with my therapist…” I felt my eyes drift to the floor, I just couldn’t bring myself to look at her.

“Oh…”, she softly said, then she put her hand under my chin and raised my head to look up at her. “Jordan, it’s okay to have a therapist… Remember I’ve got one too, you met him last night remember?” She giggled softly, which did cause the corners of my mouth to turn up in a slight smile. Sam really did have an infectious laugh.

I nodded softly, “Yeah I know… It’s just a little different though… Dr. Rodrick is helping you be, well you… Dr. Byrnes is trying to help me get over what…” I paused, I immediately felt my chest start to tighten.

After a moment Sam asked, “It’s about what you said the other day? That you lost a lot with what they did to save you?” I nodded, which she continued, “Looks to me like you won a lot more than you lost… You’re still here, and while it’s a bit selfish… I’ve still got you here…”

With her smile I could tell she was at least partially making a joke, I smirked and asked, “Only just a bit?”

She giggled, but then got more serious, “Okay maybe it’s a lot selfish… It also means that you still have me okay?”

I softly said, “I know.” When I felt a tear run down my cheek. This is one of the things that was bugging the hell out of me. I wasn’t upset, I was relieved, no make that happy that Sam was here, and yet I’m starting to cry again… I think that was one of the most frustrating things about all these damn emotions, they just didn’t make any sense to me. It honestly made me feel like I was going crazy… At least I already have a therapist…

Sam asked, “Hey what’s wrong?”

I shook my head, “Nothing is wrong… Sam… Thank you for still being here…” She then gently wrapped her arms around me in a hug that I readily accepted. We sat that way for several minutes until I recovered, as I leaned back and wiped my eyes I told her, “Sorry about that…”

“Hey don’t apologize. I don’t mind at all…”, she said trying to console me.

“Thanks Sam.”. I tell her. We sat there for a few moments longer before I really felt the need to change the subject, I ask her, “So you ready to show the girls what you can do?”

She nodded, “You mean what WE can do right?” I had thought this was basically a try out for her, and at my confused expression, she continued, “Jordan we’re a team, right? Even if we’re not going to play the same sport.”

I grinned at her, realizing what she meant, and I told her, “You bet your ass we’re a team.” I then held my hand up in a fist, which she just grinned and gave me a fist bump.

She smirked, “Let’s go show them what we’re made of.”

“Okay… First things first… Before we go, I need to drink my slime…”, I joked.

She laughed but at the same time a visible shudder ran through her body. Making a face she said, “You are so weird… Only you could act excited about that…” I couldn’t help myself, I giggled… Yeah… I giggled…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam and I were the first to make it to the practice field. My mom dropped us off, with our gear, neither of us thought it would be good for us to try to carry it to the school. To pass the time until other members of the team showed up, we just tossed the ball back and forth. I was still working on my stamina, so we didn’t want me catching until the girls showed. I still wasn’t able to throw the softball as well as I used to be able to throw a baseball, but I was thankfully doing much better than I was when we started a week ago.

We had been tossing the ball around for about fifteen minutes when the first two girls showed. It was Shelly and Rachel that came walking up, each carrying their own gear bag. Unlike during school, where it was rumored that they were a couple, here they were walking hand in hand. I guess being a Saturday and not a normal school day let them feel a bit freer to let it show. While our school had a very strict policy about bullying, I guess due to some small-minded students, they felt like they couldn’t even hold hands during school. While PDA was frowned upon, most couples held hands, and nothing was ever said. That both pissed me off and made me sad at the same time that they felt like they had to hide it at school.

We both greeted them, and they joined us in tossing the ball around while waiting on the others. Shelly informed us that a few more were going to come out that we had originally planned. It seemed that they all had seen our game videos and were excited to see Sam in action. After another fifteen minutes or so, the rest of the girls had shown up and we ended up having enough to actually field a team. I was impressed at the drive the girls showed, while Sam and I had always practiced during the off-season none of our previous teammates ever did.

I was introduced to the other girls that I hadn’t met yet, and it wasn’t lost on me that I was the smallest person out here. After a moment of regret, I let it pass and focused on what was important, showing these girls just how good Sam was. The girls were wanting the batting practice and had told us to do our best to strike them out. Sam and I just grinned, after all that has been what we were best at. As I was putting on my catcher gear I motioned Sam to come up to me.

“For our warm-up, don’t throw the really fast stuff until I signal for it okay?”, I told her.

She gave me an evil grin, “Just like old times then?”

“You better believe it.” I told her, matching her grin.

We started our warmup with all the girls watching. Even with me calling for her to throw the heat, I never signaled for it. So, while she was throwing pretty hard, it wasn’t anywhere near what I knew she was capable of. I was watching the girls off to the side, practicing their swings trying to get the timing down of her pitches. I could barely hide my grin as we practiced, I could see Sam’s matching grin from the mound. I did notice that with her being able to push off of a proper pitching mound, and not the make-shift one in my back yard, she was able to put more force behind even her slower pitches. I was almost scared to see what she could do when she really opened up.

Shelly was the first up to bat and she was smirking as she said, “So, are you two ready for this?” Shelley was the team’s power hitter, we all knew that. So, it was no surprise that she was as confident as she was when she pointed with her bat to Kira in the outfield.

I smirked, “Yeah, but the question is, are you ready? I can’t wait to see you try to hit her fastball.” I then signaled Sam for her change up.

Sam smiled as she wound up like she was throwing her fastball, and Shelly ended up swinging well before the ball passed the plate. She looked down at me in confusion, so I smirked, “By the way that wasn’t it…”

Shelly actually chuckled, “You, sneaky little shit…”

I just grinned, after all that was part of my job. To not only read each batter and when I could, to provide some misdirection. I laughed as I told her, “You haven’t seen anything yet.” I then signaled Sam to throw her curve to my right as I acted like I was stretching my glove hand. She grinned and nodded as she wound up her pitch.

No sooner did Sam release the pitch it came out of her hand like it was a bad pitch and was going to be a beeline to Shelly, she squealed and started to step away to keep from being hit. No sooner did she step back the ball started to curve and as it passed over the plate into my glove I said, “Looked like a strike to me…”

Shelly looked a little rattled, but she glanced as Sam and then at me with a look mixed with admiration and a bit of frustration. As she stepped back into the batter box I looked at Sam and signaled for her fastball… Her real one… By the time Shelly registered that it was a fastball she had barely started her swing as the ball hit my glove. I grimaced at how much it had stung, even with the glove. I told a stunned Shelly, “Now that was her fastball… Looks like you’re out.”

Even though she struck out Shelly was grinning as she exclaimed, “Holy shit… That was freaking impressive.”

Most of the other girls seemed stunned as well as they glanced at Sam. In her first three pitches she struck out the team’s best hitter. We swapped out batters for the next hour, at least until my legs had gotten too tired to keep squatting. All the girls had been informed about my fatigue issues and why. Thankfully no one made an issue and unlike when on the baseball team the girls were supportive of me, even if I wasn’t a teammate… I could only imagine how much the baseball team would give me a hard time about it… It seems the girl’s idea of motivating each other was a lot nicer than the guys would be… I kind of liked it, the team felt a lot closer to any I had remembered. I was thankful that Sam was going to get to be a part of this…

None of the other girls fared much better than Shelly had, I mean they did get a few base hits in the first half an hour once they had gotten better timing of Sam’s true fastball. Unfortunately for them, the last half an hour though… Sam and I had found our groove, and not a single base hit was made.

We spent another hour doing fielding drills. Sam would stand off to the side and toss the balls for me to hit so the rest of the girls could practice their fielding. It had been awhile since I had been able to swing a bat, and even though it was a softball bat it didn’t take me long to get a feel for it. Back when I had been playing, I never was a power hitter. I just didn’t have the size for it, but one thing I was, was accurate. Because of my smaller stature, my strike zone was a much smaller target for the pitcher to aim at. I always got a lot more singles than I got struck out.

We had been out there for slightly over two hours when I had to call it quits. I was just totally worn out. Between the catching and hitting, my entire body was sore and exhausted. It honestly felt good and judging from the all the girls they were ready to call it quits as well. All of us had worked up a good sweat and Sam was talking to the other girls when I decided to go lie down in the dugout and get out of the sun. I had been resting for about five minutes when Shelly came up and handed me a bottle of water.

“Hey, looks like you could use that.”, she told me.

Taking the cold bottle, I first held it up to my forehead and I told her, “Thanks… Oh and thanks for coming out here for Sam… It means a lot to her…”

She motioned for me to sit up, so she could sit beside me. As she sat down she said, “She means a lot to you, doesn’t she?”

I nod, “Yeah, she’s been my best friend for almost as long as I can remember.”

“From what I can tell she’s lucky to have you as a friend.”, she told me smiling. Then a sad look passed over her face as she continued, “From what I can tell most of her friends turned their back on her… Which is a shame, she’s a really sweet girl. How are those friends treating you now, since you didn’t turn your back on her?”

I answered, “About the same I guess… Well not the same as before I got sick… It’s just different now I guess… Everyone’s changed so much since I got sick… I feel like I’ve been sorta left behind, ya know… Except for Sam… She’s the only one that doesn’t make me feel like that…”

“I’m sure that once you rejoin the team, things will go back to the way it was.”, she encouraged.

That just reminded me that I wouldn’t be going back to baseball, I looked down and said, “Yeah maybe… You’re probably right…”

She said, surprised, “Wait… You’re not going to try out for the team, are you?” I guess she could read the answer on my face, because she asked, “Why not? From what we saw just today, You’re a hell of a player… They would be lucky to have you…”

I mumbled, “Yeah… Well with my health stuff I’ve gone through, this is about as big as I’m going to get… Besides, like I said everyone’s changed so much… I don’t think I’d fit into the team anymore is all…”

She shook her head, “Jordan, everyone changes… You’ve probably changed a lot more than you think.”

I shook my head, “I don’t think so… I don’t know… I mean, I almost feel like I’m trying to be the guy I was from before… Except that it doesn’t seem to fit me anymore… So, I’m just trying to figure out who I am and what fits now… It’s just so damn confusing…”

She looked at me sadly for a few moments before she said, “Well from what I’ve seen, you’re a guy who has been here for a friend. Someone who’s playing a sport none of the other guys would dare try… You’ve also worked yourself past exhaustion in doing so… I can tell that you were worn out half an hour ago, but you just kept going…” I started to argue, but she stopped me, “No let me finish. You’ve done that for a friend, that’s not something most people would do for a friend… You also helped us all out at the same time… I don’t know who you’re trying to be, but… I like the person you are now Jordan… You’re a hell of a good friend to Sam… And if you don’t mind, I’d like to be your friend too…”

I felt myself start to get choked up slightly, I just asked, “Really?”

She smiled and nodded, then said, “Yeah… You can never have too many good friends… Look we’re going to go pack up the rest of the stuff. You rest up some, and Rachel and I will give you two a ride home okay?”

I smiled up at her, “Thanks Shelly… I appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem Jordan, just think about what I said though… You already know who you are… You just need to realize it.”, she said right as she ducked out of the dugout, leaving me there with nothing but my thoughts and a cold bottle of water.

I had been lying there for a few minutes and was debating getting up to give everyone a hand when I heard some of the girls yelling. I hopped up and sprinted out of the dugout to see what was going on. I found Sam crying and a few of the girls consoling her, while Shelly and Rachel were yelling at this guy on the other side of the fence near home plate.

As I got closer to check on Sam, she looked up at me and pleaded, “Jordie don’t…”

Then I heard the guy saying, “Ohhh what’s wrong, did I hurt his feelings?!?” I then recognized the voice and with a closer look at his face I recognized it was Clint. He was a senior that was in my P.E. class and hung around Brett, I guess they hung out because they were both starters on the football team. It didn’t take me long to realize what had happened and as the girls were yelling at him to shut up and leave Sam alone. He was leaning on and hanging on the fence goading the girls along and didn’t see me as I came around Shelly and bounced off the fence.

“Watch your mouth moron!”, I yelled at him. I no longer felt any fatigue, only anger fueled by the anguish on Sam’s face.

When I bounced off the fence his face had been pressed up against the chain-link and it looked like it scratched him across the nose. He wiped his nose and saw a bit of blood then turned to me growling, “You don’t know who you’re fucking with shrimp…”

He stepped back up to the fence, which I bounced off again to which he backed up. I laughed, “I know exactly who I’m fucking with Clint… A big moron who likes to pick on girls and people smaller than him… I’m fucking with a coward, you asshole!!!”

Shelly and Rachel gently grabbed me to pull me away from the fence to calm me down. Clint was enraged as he turned heading to the gate to the gate by the dugout. He had made it about half way to the fence as the girls were surrounding both me and Sam, then we heard another familiar voice.

“What the hell!!! Clint what the fuck have you done?”, the voice yelled. I knew immediately that it was Brett. Him and Clint must have been out on their practice field today.

Clint growled, “I’m about to teach that pipsqueak and the tranny a lesson!”

“Clint shut the fuck up!”, Brett yelled as he finally closed the distance and shoved Clint away from the gate. “Are you trying to get expelled? And take me with you?” That anger that I saw from Brett at least wasn’t directed at me this time, while Clint was big and intimidating, Brett was much scarier. I had to guess he was at least six two or better, and probably weighed in over two thirty…

Clint backed up, “Dude do you see any teachers? It’s just their word against ours… Nobody will believe a bunch of lesbos and a tranny over us…”

Brett shoved him and shoved him hard. Clint fell back as Brett yelled, “Shut the fuck up, or I’ll shut your mouth for you! Get out of here and I’ll try and fix this.” Clint looked pissed as he got up, but he stepped backwards away from Brett and then turned to sprint away. Brett stayed there until it was obvious Clint wasn’t coming back. Then his shoulders visibly slumped as he turned and started to walk towards the gate to come onto the field.

I heard Sam whimpering, so I turned to check on her and saw Lyndsay was trying to console her. I walked up to her and said gently, “Sam? Are you okay?” She turned to me and I could see how upset she was. She didn’t say anything, she just grabbed me in a hug and I held her as she cried.

“Are you all okay?”, I heard Brett asking. I tried to turn to yell at him about his friend, but Sam was holding onto me too tight.

Rachel blurted out, “What the fuck dude? What the hell is wrong with your friend?”

“He’s not my friend.”, Brett started to say, then he sighed. “Look Coach just asked me to work with him some on his pass routes today… He’s not the brightest… I’m sorry… Sam are you okay?”

She had recovered enough to let go of me, and she looked at Brett, “Yeah… I’m okay Brett… Thanks for stopping him before he got in here and made it worse…”

It was then that Brett noticed me standing there, surprised he asked, “Jordan? What are you doing here?”

Shelly stepped in front of me and told him, “He’s been helping Sam get ready to pitch, and he’s helping us out until we get someone to fill in for a catcher…”

Still surprised he asked, “Really?”

Adrenaline was still surging through me, and I guess I was still a bit on edge. I blurted out, “Yeah really! What’s wrong with that?”

He looked slightly stunned at my outburst, then I heard Sam, “Brett’s a good guy Jordan… He’s a… He’s a friend.”

Holding his hands up in a surrendering gesture, he said, “Yeah dude, its cool. It just surprised me is all… But yeah, me and my Mom go to Sam’s church… We’re cool lil dude.”

Rachel asked him, “What are you going to do about Clint?”

He sighed, “I don’t know… Look I’m going to talk to him, threaten him if I have to… If he says or does anymore stupid shit let me know… I’ll take it directly to Coach… He’ll be kicked off the team and possibly school… Let me try to talk to him though…”

Most of the girls agreed to that, even though I think most of them wanted to get their own hands on him. They refused to tell me what he had said to Sam though, which was probably for my benefit more than Clint’s. As they finished up gathering their stuff, Brett motioned me over to him.

“Hey Jordan, I just wanted to say I think its cool what you’re doing helping them out…”, he said.

This was a completely different side of Brett that I had seen before, for one thing he wasn’t trying to kill me with a dodgeball. I was oddly speechless for a change.

“Look Jordan… I wanted to say I was sorry for last week… I’ve been… It’s just been rough for me lately, and my temper gets the best of me… I’m sorry…”, he told me.

I nodded, “Yeah Coach sorta filled me in a bit… Look I’m sorry if I said anything… I just get so competitive and I say shit… I can’t help it… Trust me though… You don’t have to apologize, I understand how having a temper is…”

He laughed, “I can tell… You’ve definitely got a lot of fight in you… If Clint had made it in here, I honestly don’t know who I’d have put money on…”

I chuckled, “I’d probably put it on Shelly…”

Brett laughed hard at that, which drew several looks from the girls, “Dude… You’re probably right… Seriously though… I’ll do what I can about Clint… But keep an eye out okay, he’s probably not going to forget this…”

I told him, “Probably not… I’ll be okay though…”

He nodded, “Still… Be safe, and take care of Sam okay, and take care of yourself too.”

I shook his hand and told him, “You too dude…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the evening Sam stayed with me at my house until almost dark. She had been really clingy with me most of the afternoon. I still didn’t know what that ass had said to her to shake her up so bad, but I did my best to cheer her up. By the time she was getting ready to go she was almost back to her usual cheerful self. She did give me an extra long hug and a kiss on the cheek before she left though.

I was so tired from the day, I didn’t hang around downstairs long after supper before I went up for my nightly routine. I had been looking at the picture of her sticking her tongue out and thinking about the day. Other than that asshole, it had been an incredible day. For the first time since my recovery started, I felt like I was part of something again… Practicing with Sam and the rest of the softball team had reminded me what it was like. I then remembered how it felt when it was just Sam and I against the batter, and how good it felt. She trusted me, and I trusted her, and that confidence that radiated out of her. Then as I had become accustomed to, my phone dinged.

{Sam text} *** Did the practice go as good as I thought it did? ***

{Me text} *** It went better… You were awesome… The girls are really impressed with you. ***

{Sam text} *** No… They’re impressed with both of us. ***

I didn’t know how to answer that. The practice had been for them to see Sam in action. I thought that today would make me rethink trying out for baseball, but it didn’t. After today, I really had no doubts about not wanting to play baseball again. The way the girls supported each other and not always talk down to each other was simply better. Another ding interrupted me from my thoughts.

{Sam text} *** Jordan… Thank you so much for today… You know… for being there for me… ***

{Me text} *** Always Sam… I promise… ***

{Sam text} *** NN Jordie ***

{Me text} *** NN Sam ***

I sat my phone down, and within minutes I was out cold.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 9

---

---

Author's Note:Apologies for taking a bit longer on this one. It encompassed a lot more, and at the same time I wasn't able to get as far as I wanted. That and I also had a senior and junior in high school with finals this last week... It's been a bit hectic, but then again that's pretty much my life anyway... Warning, there is an altercation in this one, so small bit of bit of violence with some heated language... Hope you enjoy {hugs}-~Rebecca

I spent most of Sunday alone in thought. Sam and her parents had always been fairly religious and Sunday they spent most of the day at their church. My parents and I used to regularly attend church before my health started going downhill. Of course, I quit going, especially when I got too sick to go. With how the doctors found the cause of my problems and the ‘cure’, my parents considered it a miracle and they have returned to church with a renewed sense of purpose. I couldn’t, I couldn’t bring myself to think of it as a miracle, it certainly didn’t feel like a miracle to me… My ‘cure’ seemed to me like just another challenge, or test… I felt that I had been tested enough… The treatment that saved me, wasn’t a miracle… It was just another challenge for me to endure… I was tired of simply enduring… At least they didn’t force me to go with them, even though they did ask. Getting me back into the church was going to probably take another miracle, maybe they knew better than hoping for two to happen in the same year… They left after breakfast and I returned to my room in an attempt to catch up on some reading assignments, but that only let my mind wander and think some more…

I remembered how I had thought about the trust that Sam and I shared on the softball field, except our trust wasn’t just on the field. With the way I trusted her, I knew I could tell her what was going on with means that she would be okay with it. I knew that she wouldn’t turn her back on me, and I knew that she would be there for me. I wanted to tell her, I really did. Every time I tried to think of a way to actually say it though, my stomach would start knotting up in fear. The thing was, I didn’t know why I was afraid. I knew, or least was pretty sure, that she was into me more than just a friend, and I also knew I was falling hard for her… That’s why I had to tell her, even though in doing so would change the way things were going. I had already convinced myself that we could only be friends, and I was mostly okay with that. I was still afraid though…

The fear is what was bothering me the most… I guess most people learn to deal with it, and even overcome their fears, they have to. I didn’t know how to overcome what I was feeling. I honestly never remembered feeling afraid before, which most people would probably call bullshit on, but I’m serious. I had never felt afraid of anything before in my life. Even lying on my deathbed and knowing I probably wasn’t going to survive, I was never afraid. When my friends would say that I was crazy for standing up to bullies twice my size, the truth was I stood up to them because I was never afraid of them in the first place. That’s why I was so confused as to why I was afraid of telling Sam, or basically anyone, the whole truth about me. I wasn’t afraid of what was happening to me, even though it was difficult at first, I had accepted that. That didn’t mean I wanted it to happen though. The thought of saying it to someone would first make my stomach cramp, then my heart would race, and then it would get hard to breathe… It was crippling… Finally, I decided that I actually wanted to talk to Dr. Byrnes about something, no more like I needed to talk to him about this. Maybe he had learned some Jedi mind trick when he got his PHD that could help me get over this. I thought I could make it okay for the next two weeks until our session, so that’s what I decided to do. I didn’t think this declared an emergency visit, so I would do my best to not lead Sam on in any way. I was just going to be her friend… That should be easy, right?

The next week was mostly mundane school stuff, no need to go into depth about classes. Since last week had three ‘A’ days, thankfully this week had three ‘B’ days. That meant I only had to deal with P.E. on Tuesday and Thursday, which honestly wasn’t that bad. Brett had actually been pretty cool, and while Clint looked like he wanted to kill me he never tried anything. Of course, Brett was never far away from him either. Lunch on those two days was only with Rick and Tom, none of the other guys sat at the table with us. When I found out they still hadn’t talked to Sam yet, I threatened them again, I even added the mysterious ‘or else’… Thankfully they didn’t ask or else what… Hell, I didn’t know…

The other three days were of course my ‘B’ days, where I spent almost the entire day with Sam each day… She did tell me at lunch on Wednesday that Rick and Tom had stopped her in the hall to talk, she said it was a bit awkward, but they seemed cool with her at least. I smirked when she told me that had said a vicious leprechaun had threatened them… I had to laugh, only cause my hair isn’t red…

On Thursday Rick and Tom did invite me, and Sam, to come to the cheap movie theater for the Saturday afternoon matinee. They had hoped that we could all hang out some and they could get to know Sam again, but with me there for a buffer I guess… I felt kinda weird about that, but if they were trying, so no matter how weird it felt, I’d do it for Sam… When I told her about the idea she got all excited and thanked me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, except her kiss lingered longer than normal and she had almost missed my cheek. As she drew back I felt the corner of her mouth brush the corner of mine, and my knees got weak. Do I need to tell you that trying to only be a friend when all you want to do is be more…? It’s impossible…

During my three study halls that week I did check out some books from the library, mostly self-help books that they had. You guessed it, about overcoming one’s fears. It seems the main key to overcoming your fear is knowing what you’re afraid of… So, they were absolutely no help to me, it only made me almost induce four separate panic attacks just trying to think about overcoming whatever it was, just so I could tell her…

The rest of our spare time that week was used for, you guessed it… Softball… We practiced every afternoon with her pitching, and then changed up to working on her reflexes hitting soft line drives directly at her… I wouldn’t do it first unless she was wearing my catcher helmet, I’d have felt awful had I hurt her. Without an appointment we met with the team earlier on Saturday, and well over half the team showed up to practice with us, for a total of fifteen girls. A few of the girls were interested in learning to try to catch… Until Sam threw one of her fastballs… It just freaked the girls out too much to try it again… I didn’t really understand why, she was throwing a baseball faster than that the last time I had caught with her… Of course, the softball seemed to hurt a bit more and was a lot louder hitting the glove… Overall though we had a great practice, and seeing how the girls were accepting of Sam made me feel great for her… I was relieved to see her part of such a good group of girls, I couldn’t help but see her with them and smile… Which she caught me doing a few times, but instead of getting upset, she just smiled back at me. Which usually resulted in me blushing and turning away…

Once we got cleaned up from the practice, Sam met me back at my house and Mom took us to the old cinema in town. We all referred to it as the ‘cheap seats’ movie place, as it was the older four screen theater in town. It also showed movies that had been out four to five months and the tickets were only two dollars for the matinee, which is what we were aiming for. With it being as old as it was, the popcorn machines were well ‘seasoned’, or at least what my parents called it. Regardless the popcorn was much better than the new multiplex in town.

It did have a small arcade in the lobby, and that’s where we met the guys at. We had decided to see The Avengers, well Rick and Tom decided for us. Neither Sam or I had seen it, since we had both been dealing with our own issues when it was released earlier this year. I had also missed a lot of the movies leading up to this one, which Sam said we would have to rectify as soon as we could. I was also glad to see that Sam was still into action movies, while if she wanted me to I’d see a chick flick… Thankfully she didn’t seem any more interested in those type of movies than the rest of us.

We joked around and played a lot of the arcade games while waiting for the movie, and while at first Rick and Tom seemed a bit… I won’t say uncomfortable, but they were definitely holding back… At first… The longer we hung out, the more they relaxed, and by the time the movie was starting it was almost like old times. Like we used to, Sam and I shared a large popcorn, and about half way through the movie, it suddenly quit feeling like old times. After one too many times of reaching in the bag at the same time and bumping hands, Sam apologized and gave my hand a soft squeeze… Except she didn’t let go for the rest of the movie… Like a fool I didn’t do anything but smile at her and let her keep holding my hand… Even with the greasy popcorn butter covering both our hands, I got that warm flushed feeling that passed through me. As long as I let her hold my hand it stayed, and it honestly felt so good just sitting there next to her… The last thing I wanted to do was let go… So, I didn’t… I realized as the credits were rolling, I couldn’t remember the last half an hour of the movie… All I could do was think how incredible it was to sit there with Sam…

When I finally came to my senses at the after-credit scene, I immediately thought about how I should tell her this evening… So, when the nerves kicked in, and with a stomach full of greasy movie junk food, I got sick… As in bad sick… My stomach ended up empting everything it had, plus it kept trying to empty what just wasn’t there… I could see Sam’s immediate look of concern when I turned green and bolted out of the theater to the restrooms… Rick and Tom kept taking turns checking on me, and keeping Sam filled in on what was going on… With my previous issues, they all were scared… Of course, nowhere near as scared as my Mom was when she came rushing into the boy’s restroom while I was still dry heaving… It seemed Sam told her how bad I was when she came to pick us up, which left her getting out of the car with it still running to rush in and check on me. It was all I could do to calm her down enough not to take me to the E.R.

Sam ended up staying at our house most of that evening, it was like she didn’t want to let me out of her sight. Seeing how much I scared her I tried to apologize several times, and each time I started to tear up… I felt so horrible for upsetting her like I did… We ended up mostly sitting on the couch watching her copies of Thor and Captain America she had brought over after the scare at the theater. She told me it was as good a day as any to stay in and get me ‘up to speed’ on the Marvel-verse. We didn’t cuddle or anything, but she did sit close enough that when I would start to apologize and get choked up, she could just wrap her arm around me and hold me till it passed.

The next week was essentially the same, except I had a total of four panic induced sick moments… Two of them were in school, one of those was bad enough on Friday that the nurse had to check on me in the restroom… Which ended up getting me pulled out of school and taken to the doctor… Which of course they couldn’t find anything wrong with me physically, well anymore wrong than what was now considered normal for me… The good news during my checkup was that I had gained a bit more weight, the bad news was it was in all the wrong places… Which I also asked to the doctor about… I had been on the hormone therapy since I was castrated, which was almost six months ago now. I wanted to know why after almost four months there hadn’t been any noticeable differences, and suddenly in the last two months…Boom… Yeah in the mirror now I can’t make myself look like a guy, maybe an underdeveloped girl, but yeah, definitely a girl. I had hoped for two or three months of being able to take P.E., as it was I wouldn’t make it a full month. His answer made sense, even though I didn’t like it. It seems that I had been so malnourished not only had I been lacking severely in muscle, but also in fat… I had been developing the entire time, but once I regained enough strength to start exercising… The muscle that had formed just highlighted just how much and where the estrogen was distributing my fat… I was still leaner than the doctor wanted, but it was now obvious to me… Now the main problem is going to be how much longer will my clothes be able to hide it. I’ve already gained enough weight my clothes were starting to become snug… Well at least in certain places.

I think I scared my Mom on Saturday morning… I was up and ready long before she had even gotten her first cup of coffee… At least she was somewhat pleasantly surprised to see me actually eager to go get my head examined for a change… I guess there truly is a first time for everything… The Doc was almost as surprised as Mom had been when we got there forty-five minutes early and arrived just as he was unlocking his office.

He greeted us, “Morning, I didn’t expect you two this early? How are you doing Jordan?”

I said, “Morning Doc… I’m… I really need to talk…”

He glanced at me and then to my Mom then back at me, “What’s going on Jordan?”

I said softly, “I really need some help with something…”

Since this was the first time he’d seen me willingly here and ready to talk, he said, “Well let’s go on in to the office… I haven’t had time to make coffee or any other drinks, if either of you want some though.”

Mom spoke up, “I can get drinks and bring them in…” Then she paused for a moment and looked at me and asked, “Do you mind if I sit with you?”

I shook my head, “No mom… I don’t mind…”

She hugged me and whispered, “Go get started, I’ll be in there in a few minutes.”

I just nodded and then looked to the Doc who just motioned me into the room. I immediately sat in the chair I was accustomed to, but this time instead of slouching I sat up straight and was looking down at my hands sitting in my lap.

Dr. Byrnes looked really concerned as he asked, “Jordan, what do you need help with?”

I looked up at him for a second, but I couldn’t keep looking at him. I was about to admit to another person that I was afraid of something, and I felt ashamed of that. Instead of trying to tough it out I knew it was more important to just get it out, so I just stared at my hands as I talked. I told him about Sam, other than I didn’t mention her by name. I told him how she had surprised me that first day of school, and how our friendship just started right off like it used to be.

My mom then walked in, without a word she gave Doc his coffee and handed me a Gatorade, then sat next to me. I thanked her, and then continued on about how my feelings had started changing towards Sam. It was then that I felt the first tear, but I was so focused on getting the words out I didn’t even try to wipe it away. As I told my story more and more joined it, and I barely felt my moms arm around my shoulders.

I told him about our conversation, where she told me she liked guys, and I knew she was interested in me, but as a guy… Then about my fears on what my condition meant to our possible relationship and how I felt that we could only be friends. He listened without interrupting for the entire story. As I was getting to what I needed help with I finally took a pause to wipe my face off with my hands.

“So, what I need help with Doc… I’m afraid to tell her what’s actually happening with me… I’ve read several books about overcoming your fears, and everyone one said I had to know what I was afraid of… The problem is… I don’t know why I’m afraid… When I say afraid, I mean full blown panic attack kind of afraid… Lately they’ve been making me sick… Every time I think about telling her…”

Mom gasped, “The movie theater?”

I just nodded, “That was the first time it actually made me sick… The last time was when you came and got me to take me to the doctor…”

She gave me a squeeze, “Honey, why didn’t you tell me?”

I softly mutter, “Mom… I was afraid… Don’t you get it?” At her questioning look, I asked her, “When was the last time that you remember when I was ever afraid? Of anything?”

She thought for a moment, “Jordan… I don’t remember you ever being afraid… Even as a young boy you were never even afraid of the dark, or anything else… Even in the hospital… You never once acted afraid…”

I nodded, “That’s because I wasn’t… But now… I don’t know what to do… I want to tell her... No, I need to tell her… I’m just so damn afraid to, and I don’t even have a damn clue as to why… I’ve run through every possible scenario that I can, and I’m okay with whatever happens…”

Doc thought about it for a moment, then he told me, “Jordan… Over our talks the last six months I’ve noticed one thing… I think I might know what’s wrong…”

“Then just tell me Doc… Whatever it is I’ll do it…”, I tell him.

“I can’t tell you what to do… I can’t even be sure if I’m right, you have to figure this out for yourself.”, he started to say.

“Then what good are you then if you can’t help me?”, I blurt out in anger. Then softer I pleaded, “I’m sorry… I want help this time… please…”

Softer he said, “What I’m here for, is to help you figure it out… I can’t do it for you though, I can only toss out the breadcrumbs that you need to follow…”

I nodded, “I think I get it…”

He sighed, “Okay… You’ve already covered all your reasons of why you aren’t afraid… Let’s try and think of what will happen when you tell her…”

I said, “Doc, I’ve already thought of everything that might happen… That’s all that I’ve been thinking about the last two weeks…”

Calmly he stated, “You’ve thought of how she’ll respond, things that she might say…That’s not everything… Humor an old man okay? Close your eyes and try to picture her face… Okay now imagine what happens, not what she says, but what happens to her expression when you tell her that you’re transitioning to save your life… Keep your eyes closed and just tell me.”

Keeping my eyes closed, I say, “She’s upset at first… But understanding… Maybe a bit jealous that I’m already taking hormones.”

I hear his voice, “Ok and when you tell her about becoming a girl, and knowing she’s attracted to guys…”

I think for a moment, “It’s about the same… She’d be upset, but understanding… Then maybe relief that I can still be her friend…”

I hear him take a deep breath, and then ask, “And now after all that… When you tell her that you never wanted to be a girl in the first place…”

I thought hard about that, at how she would respond to that… She was transitioning to be herself, I had already been myself, but still transitioning… Then I pictured the expression I thought she would have. I gasped, and my eyes popped open…

He asked, “What did you see Jordan?”

I softly whispered, “I saw… I saw the look on her face… It was the same look she had the last time I saw her at the hospital…” At his confused expression, I added, “When I asked her not to come back to visit me anymore… I told her I didn’t want her to remember me like that…”

Mom spoke up, “You had told all of your friends that honey…”

I said, “I know… That’s because they all had the same look mom…”

Both Dr. Byrnes and my mom had the same confused expression as they were trying to understand. Dr. Byrnes was the first to ask, “What look Jordan?”

I tried not to remember all the different faces that stared at me those last few weeks at the hospital before I couldn’t take it anymore, but I couldn’t. The memories came back to me in waves, and I felt my body start to tremble. I finally said, “They were looking at me with pity… They were all feeling so sorry for me… I couldn’t take it anymore… So, I came up with that lie, so I wouldn’t have to see them look at me like that anymore…”

Dr. Byrnes told me, “Jordan they were just concerned, you were probably mistaking that for pity.”

I blurted out, “No! You’re wrong Doc. I already told you they had given up… Mom… You and Dad had too… It was no longer concern people were showing me… It was pity… It was like I wasn’t even there anymore… It was like being conscious for my own funeral…”

Mom gasped, “Jordan… I… Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I tried Mom… You didn’t listen to me… I didn’t need my friends and family to mourn me while I was still breathing… I needed you all to help keep my spirits up…I needed you to help me laugh… I wasn’t dead yet… You all acted like I was…”, I told her through my tears.

Mom was speechless as she just held her hand over her mouth, Dr. Byrnes started to try to rationalize with me, “Jordan, you’ve got to understand…”

I interrupted him, “No Doc, I don’t have to… Do you know how it feels for that to happen to you? To have all the people you care about constantly look at you with pity? Like you’re already dead? Do you have the slightest clue? That’s what you need to understand!”

He shook his head, “Jordan… I’m sorry… I don’t know what that’s like… Can you tell me?”

I wrapped my arms around myself as I slowly rocked, after a few moments to gather and calm myself I looked up and stared at him directly in his eyes, “Day after day of that… I started thinking maybe I was ready to die… I don’t know if I can take Sam looking at me like that again…”

We ended that day’s session with mom wrapped around me trying to match me tear for tear. For the first time Dr. Byrnes was speechless… Oddly enough as we left to go home, I realized it had been the most productive session we had ever had… I knew what I was afraid of finally… I had something to face now… Now it was just to find the courage to face it…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we got home the first thing I did was text Sam and let her know I wasn’t able to make practice. At least I was honest and told her that I a rough session with the shrink was the reason. She was going to cancel going to the Saturday practice, and come over but I was able to talk her into going to the practice. Besides they needed to break in a new girl to catch, and if I wasn’t there it would force someone to have to do it. I told her to call me this evening, I knew that she wanted to come over, but I told her that my parents and I had a lot to talk about after today…

That’s what my parents and I did, was talk… I told them everything, starting from what I talked about during my session, up till now. I mean everything, including my feelings towards Sam, and how much I’ve physically changed. That ended up with me having to endure an inspection from my Mom… I could tell it was hard for Dad to talk about it, and I’m glad he didn’t want to see. After all I was his only child, a son… A son that was now growing breasts…

Mom was at least kind about it, in a brutal way… She didn’t pull any punches with me, at least she was surprised that when she started to demand that I okay my waiver for P.E. and I told her that was already the first thing I was going to do on Monday… She had me strip down to my underwear and as I did, I saw a small tear in the corner of her eye. For a moment I could tell she felt sorry for me, but after our talk she shook it off and started her inspection. She used a measuring tape to check all my measurements and estimated that I was now a large A… I had thought that starting an upper body workout would help disguise the ‘fat’ that had formed, unfortunately for me it only caused them to be pushed out and be more prominent…

Mom and I talked for a while after that, and even though I knew logically that I needed them, I cringed when she suggested that I needed new clothes… My jeans still fit me in the waist, but from the extra ‘fat’ and the countless squats that I’ve done with catching practice, my thighs and butt had become fairly enlarged from what they had been. It didn’t stop at my jeans either, even my underwear was getting tight around my hips as well. The problem wasn’t only there, I found as I started filling out, my shirts were starting to be a lot less baggy than they were, and it wouldn’t take much for someone to notice the growths on my chest with as snug as they were getting. Thankfully, I was able to get out of going shopping that afternoon, but since I was still changing she told me she’d just go to the thrift stores to get some things to get me by for right now… Thankfully she promised nothing girly, at least I didn’t even have to mention anything about that.

When I talked to Sam later that afternoon, I filled her in on as much as I could, at least until I started to feel the panic rise back up. While I wasn’t able to tell her what my medical issue was, I did tell her that we had figured out what was causing my panic attacks. I promised her that now I knew what was causing them, it was something I could now face and for her to please be patient with me a bit longer. I think she heard either the panic in my voice or the change in my breathing as we were talking, and she changed the subject to how practice had gone. She told me the girls were also worried about me, it seems the high school rumor mill had been in full swing as word got around of me getting sick at school. She also told me they were no closer to finding a catcher yet, and they all hoped I could be there next weekend. I promised her that I’d be there, no matter what. As we got off the phone, she told me that she’d see me Monday morning for our walk to school, and then told me how much she’d missed hanging around with me today. I couldn’t help but smile as I told her how much I’d missed her too.

I spent the rest of the evening and part of the next morning trying to do some of the mental exercises I had read about, trying to overcome my fear. Every time I thought I gotten myself psyched up enough, I would then stare at her picture I had saved to my tablet and start to ‘rehearse’ my prepared speech, only to freeze up again and again. I was getting overly frustrated, and then promised myself that if I couldn’t get up the nerve to tell her during this next week than I would force myself to do it next Saturday after practice. Somehow, I’d figure out a way to do it. I thought with the way I kept freezing up trying to talk to her picture, I would probably need the extra time that we’d have on Saturday. It seemed like a good plan to me at the time… How’s that saying go? When men make plans the gods laugh?

With my plan in place, when I met Sam on Monday morning when she arrived, I was in a really good mood. She was extremely surprised at how upbeat I was, but that still didn’t stop her from giving me a long hug and yet another kiss on the cheek as soon as she walked in the living room. Since I had already confessed to my parents how I felt about Sam, I caught my mom smiling at us during the long hug. My good mood continued all the way to school, as soon as was started to split up my mood started to falter. She picked up on it, but I reassured her I was okay… There was just something I had to do first thing, I didn’t elaborate but she knew I wasn’t happy.

That thing I had promised my Mom that I was going to do, was go in a tell Mr. Miller to put my waiver for P.E. into my folder. When I told him he looked sad, and apologized to me, but then again, he understood what was going on. He also told me that I’d have to go to P.E. today, but not to dress out. He said that would give them time to swap my schedule, now that school was in full swing that he couldn’t do the swap the same day as he did at the beginning of school. I told him that was okay, and I needed to clean out my stuff from the gym locker anyway. I didn’t make it to homeroom that morning, the meeting with Mr. Miller took up most of my time. I was at least thankful for that, since I wouldn’t have to deal with Teddy. After his outburst that one day at lunch we just didn’t really talk much and being around him was more than a little awkward now.

Other then my two hours of sitting on the bleachers for P.E. the day was just kind of blah. When I walked into the gym, the coach was already waiting on me. He pulled me off to the side and gave me the ‘I wish I had thirty more with your heart’ speech… I thanked him and cleaned out my gym stuff as the rest of the guys were starting to change. Most of them ignored me, Clint laughed and tried to make fun of me, while Rick, Brett, and even Teddy to some degree, seemed concerned. Rick asked me if it was due to my getting sick the last week or two, I just told them that it was something like that and then proceeded to my seat in the bleachers for the next hour and a half. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was, watching the guys run around and do whatever it was the coach would have them do. Just knowing that I’d never get to experience that again… Yeah, it was just hard… When the guys went to hit the showers, I didn’t even wait. I just left… What were they going to do? Kick me out of P.E. for cutting class early?

At least the last class was with Sam, and while she picked up on my mood from earlier, she didn’t say anything about it. It didn’t take long before things were pretty much back to normal after that, and we continued our normal routine for the rest of the day. Even as good as she already was, she was showing improvement every day with her pitching. We continued to work on adding different pitches, and by the time the season started she was going to be dangerous.

As I settled in that evening I was still scared but putting a ‘deadline’ on when I was going to come clean had given me a lot more focus. I was still scared, okay maybe terrified, but I knew it was going to happen. I knew at that moment that nothing was going to stop me from telling her everything, I just had five more days to go… You know the best laid plans, right?

My best laid plans fell apart on Wednesday, right after lunch. I had eaten with Rick and Tom, but it was mostly in silence. I think they were scared that my health was going downhill again, and while I told them that I was okay, it was obvious that they didn’t believe me… I ended up being the first to leave the cafeteria, I couldn’t just sit there any longer with their stares… I thought that maybe once I come clean with Sam, I can come clean with everyone… It’s not like I’m going to be hiding things for much longer anyway.

Since I wasn’t going to P.E. anymore after lunch on my ‘A’ days, I headed up to my locker to get some books to work on during my new study hall. I thought since I had time, that I could swing by Sam’s locker and hopefully bump into her… When I rounded the corner in the hallway I did see that she was there, but she wasn’t alone… That’s when my plan totally came apart…

The hallway was fairly crowded, but I clearly saw Sam trying to hide behind her locker door while Clint was taunting her. There were several students standing around watching but not doing anything but watch this asshole verbally assault my friend. Needless to say, I was pissed… I had to push my way through the crowd surrounded both of them, and I felt my anger rise even further as one of the people I had to shove to get through was Teddy. He was just standing there watching… What a dick…

“Move asshole!”, I yelled as I pushed my way by him.

That surprised him, and he blurted out, “Jordan?! Don’t!”

As soon as I got past Teddy, Clint shoved Sam and yelled, “Look at me freak when I’m talking to you!”

I immediately dropped my backpack and ran full speed into him shoving him as far away from her as I could and yelled, “Stay the fuck away from her!”

Time just sort of paused, as everyone just stared at me. I guess I can’t say I could blame them, here I was, a five foot nothing standing up to one of the football players who made me look like a child standing next to him. It had to look like I had lost my mind, maybe I had…

Clint was the first to react, he laughed… “That’s the last time you fuck with my fun…”

I shook my head, “Fuck you Clint, you’re not going to touch her again!”

He laughed again, “Who’s going to stop me? You? You fucking midget!”

Sam whispered, “Jordan don’t do this!”

I glanced around to make sure she was okay, but as soon as I turned back to Clint I barely had time to react from the punch that I saw heading directly at my face. I started to try to roll away, but he still caught me with a glancing blow across my cheek. It spun me around and slammed me into the lockers. It was a hard lick, and I struggled to get back to my feet before the next swing. I stumbled and heard a lot of commotion before I was able to get back on my feet.

Brett was there and holding Clint in a headlock and was wrestling him away from Sam and me. I heard him yell, “What the fuck are you thinking?!? I’m not covering for you ever again, you dumb shit!” While they were struggling he glanced at me, I guess to see if I was alright. I just nodded at him, relieved he was there. Maybe I should have been more shocked than I was that he came to our rescue, but then again, he had done it once before. About that moment in the struggling I watched as Brett rammed his head into the lockers across the hallway, and Clint went limp.

I took a sigh of relief, but before I could turn to help Sam up, Teddy came up to me yelling, “What the fuck were you thinking dude? He’d have killed you…”

I spun around and faced him, “Somebody had to step in, especially since you weren’t going to. You think it’s okay for assholes like that to pick on anyone they want?”

He deflated slightly, “Jord… You could have gotten really hurt… Why’d you risk that it for him?”

He just kept pushing my buttons… “Her! You idiot, Sam’s a her. Does she look like a guy to you, dumbass?” I didn’t give him time to answer, I was on a roll. “Sam’s my friend Teddy, which is more than I can say for you! Do you remember when we were in fourth grade and those high school kids started picking on you trying to make you do the ‘truffle shuffle’?” He winced at that memory, the teenagers were calling him Chunk like the fat kid in the Goonies. “Just who stood up for you back then?”

He snorted, “Dude… You got your ass kicked…”

I yelled, “That doesn’t matter! Who stood up for you?”

He whispered, “You did…”

I was still yelling, “Because you were my friend! Sam is my friend… I won’t let assholes pick on my friends! You should have stepped in, she was one of your friends too.”

He muttered, “But... She’s changed man… She’s not the same person she used to be…”

I screamed, “You’re wrong Tubby! The Sam that you knew? The one that was your friend? That Sam is right here and if you’d just talk to her for fifteen minutes… Fuck that! Five minutes is all it would take… Then you’d realize that Sam is finally happy… Once you realize that… It’s fucking amazing man!”

I paused, I was still so angry though. I growled at him, “You should have stood up to him Teddy… Even if you don’t want to be friends with her… You still should have stepped in… You know what it’s like to be bullied by bigger kids.” I saw the look on his face, that hurt him.

He tried to blow it off, “You’re crazy man… Do you not see how big he is? He’d have killed me…”

I blurted out, “Really?!? You’re almost as big as he is. Do you not see how small I am? It didn’t stop me from at least trying!”

He shook his head, “Like I said, you’re crazy Jordan…”

Still yelling at him, “You know what? Fine I’m crazy… At least I’m not a fucking coward!!!”

As I said that last word, all the anger I was feeling just disappeared… I glanced at Teddy and how hurt he was at what I said, then I looked down at Sam who was still sitting there looking up at me in awe. Then I realized… I was a coward… I have been one since that day in the hospital when I asked her not to come back… I glanced back and forth at them for a few moments, completely stunned at that revelation… I was willing to stand up to certain death for Sam… I couldn’t overcome my own bullshit fear though to tell her the truth… It was Teddy who snapped me out of my daze.

“Dude… Are you crying?”, he asked with a hint of concern in his voice.

I reached up and felt the wetness on both of cheeks and didn’t realize when I had started this. I then looked around at the crowd still around us, and the anger I had felt came back a bit… This time it was directed at myself… I yelled, “FUCK!!!” and quickly snatched up my backpack to get away.

I heard Teddy say, “I’m sorry Sam… I really am.

She told him, “It’s okay Teddy…”

She then called out for me, but I had already shoved my way out of the crowd and was trying to just get away. I made a break for one of the stairwells and no sooner did I enter I felt weak, I just wanted to hide for a moment and I knew I couldn’t outrun her. I went around to behind the stairs and sat down trying to hide.

A moment later, I heard the door open and Sam called out for me. I tried not to make a sound, but I couldn’t stop the soft sobbing. I heard footsteps coming around the corner, and then heard her voice.

“Oh my God Jordan! What’s wrong?”, she blurted out as she came up and squatted down beside me. I tried to keep my face hidden behind my hands, but she quickly pulled them off to the side, “Let me see Jordan… That’s going to leave a bruise, but you should be fine… What’s wrong?”

I just mumbled, “I’m sorry…”

She softly laughed, “What are you sorry for? You came to my rescue… You’re my hero. Every girl wishes for one of their very own. But why did you step in, he could have hurt you.”

I finally glanced up at her and whispered, “Because nobody else was going to do it…”

She smiled, and gently stroked my cheek wiping the tears that had finally quit falling away. She asked, “Just what were you thinking?”

I laughed softly, even though my cheek hurt some, “Probably not much… Just that I had to stop him… Did he stop messing with you?” She nodded softly, then I said, “Then I guess I showed him, right?”

She laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile at her. I looked down and it was in that moment, I knew I was no longer afraid to tell her. She was my best friend, someone I was pretty sure I was in love with, and I thought she felt the same way about me. I knew I could do this, I softly said, “Sam I need to tell you something.”

I hadn’t paid attention to how close she had gotten to me, and when I looked back up at her, her face was only inches away from my own. Before I could say or do anything our lips met. I was so stunned I just sat there for several long seconds while she kissed me, and that warm flushed feeling that I had been having, completely filled my body with an intensity I had never felt before.

I think she misunderstood why I froze as she started to pull away, “Jordan I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…”

I didn’t let her finish though, I slid my hand up her cheek and gently around her neck to pull her back down to me. As we kissed again, this time with me kissing back I felt like I was going to explode, my entire body was tingling and all I knew is I never wanted it to stop. I gently cupped her cheeks with my hands as we kissed, and then I felt her rest her hands on my chest. As her hands brushed across my nipples my body arched as I moaned into her mouth with my body shaking. We kissed for a few more seconds before she realized what her hands were resting on, and as she gave them a soft squeeze she quickly drew back.

“Jordan… What the fuck?!?”, she exclaimed.

My mind was in a fog, and as my body was still tingling all I could say was, “Wait… let me explain!”

She told me, “Explain what? That you’ve got breasts? Breasts that are bigger than mine?” I could see the hurt on her face.

I tried to sit up some more and told her, “Yeah, its not what you think though.”

“Not what I think? How are they so… It’s like you’re on hormones…”, she said in shock. I guess from the look on my face she got her answer to that. “You are… What the fuck Jordan? Are you transitioning?”

I nodded but said, “It’s not what you think, please let me explain.”

She stood up and muttered, “Fuck, fuck, FUCK… How could I have been so stupid… The emotional outbursts… Why couldn’t you tell me!!! Did you think I wouldn’t understand? Really Jordan?? REALLY!!!”

I tried to get up, but my entire body was weak and slightly wobbly from the kiss and whatever had happened to me when she touched my breasts, I pleaded, “Sam I promise… This isn’t what I want… I don’t want this!”

She was crying now as she backed away from me, ‘What did you not want? For me to find out? For me to finally know that you don’t trust me. You were my best friend… I thought… I thought…”

I finally was able to get up on my feet, but I had to hold the wall to keep from stumbling, “Sam… please… listen to me…”, I begged.

She shook her head, “Jordan… I just… I can’t talk to you right now… I just can’t” She then sprinted out of the stairwell leaving me alone to try to follow her.

After I stumbled for a few steps I managed to get to the stairwell door and as I opened it I almost ran into Mr. Miller.

“Jordan… There you are, thank god… Son you need to come with me.”, He told me.

I begged, “Sir I can’t I need to go and find…”

“Jordan, that’s not an option… Brett has told us what happened… We’ve already called your parents… Now come with me.”, He ordered.

I felt my shoulders slump, and I uttered under my breath, “Shit…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 10

---

---

Author's Note:Okay... Here is chapter 10. I've been hard pressed to write since the last chapter, my oldest is graduating High School tomorrow, so preparations have been taking a lot of my time. This is a huge important moment for Jordan, and I feel that I'm going to need witness protection after this one. I promise though, I will make it up next chapter. Hope you enjoy and don't get too terribly angry with me.{hugs}-~Rebecca

I followed Mr. Miller back to his office, I kept glancing around hoping I’d get a glimpse of Sam. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d seen her… Yeah, I do, I’d have probably skipped out from this meeting with Mr. Miller to try and see if I could set things right. I tried asking him how much trouble I was in, but he just told me that we’d wait till my parents were both here. That news didn’t make me feel much better in the least. As soon as we got to the office, he told me to wait for my parents. Which only gave me time to think, which is hardly ever a good thing.

I was only mildly concerned about the incident with Clint, technically I was in a fight, even if I never threw a punch. I knew the school has a zero-limit policy on fighting, at the least, I knew I’d probably be suspended for a few days. With everything else going on, that was honestly the least of my concerns. My main concern was Sam… I was mentally kicking myself and kicking myself hard for what had happened. Every time I closed my eyes I pictured her expression right after she found out I was transitioning, it was a mix of shock and hurt. By the time my parents arrived I was pretty upset, and not too far from losing the little grip I had on my emotions. I have found out I am gaining a bit more control of them, it’s just taking me a lot longer than I hoped.

“Jordan! What happened?”, Mom asked as soon as she walked into the living room. I glanced up at both of them, and I noted how upset both of them appeared. My day just kept getting better and better it seemed. Before I could answer her, she saw my bruised and swollen cheek, and gasped, “Oh my God, are you okay? Who did this?”

“Somebody was bullying Sam… I never threw a punch Mom. I swear… I just got between him and Sam to protect her…”, I told both of them.

They both sighed and said in unison, “Oh Jordan…” Neither of them looked angry anymore, mom was just concerned. Dad though seemed to look proud as he bent down to check on the bruise.

He asked me, “Son, how big was the guy that did this?”

I shrugged, “Pretty big I guess… He’s a senior and he’s on the football team…” Dad’s eyebrows just raised as my statement, I just shrugged again.

Mr. Miller’s voice interrupted us, “No Jordan, he was a senior and used to be on the football team.”

I looked up to seem him and Brett coming out of his office, Brett looked visibly upset. When he saw me he asked, “You okay Jordan? What were you thinking going after Clint?”

Before I could answer, it was Dad that answered, “He probably wasn’t thinking about anything but protecting his friend.” Brett just nodded, and Dad added, “He’s been like that since he was a kid… Somethings probably won’t ever change.”

Brett just nodded, “That’s not a bad quality to have… Sam’s lucky to have you Jord. You going to be okay?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… Right now, I doubt Sam feels very lucky to have me as a friend…”

All four of them glanced at me, before they could say or ask anything I didn’t want to answer, I asked Mr. Miller, “Can we just get this over with please?”

He just nodded and told Brett, “I’m glad you were there son, I’m sorry but my hands are tied.”

He laughed, “That’s okay Mr. Miller, I understand. I just get an extra-long weekend is all.”

We all then went into Mr. Miller’s office and before I sat down I asked, “Brett got suspended,
didn’t he? The zero-policy rule, right?”

Mr. Miller nodded, “Yes… I don’t have any say in the matter Jordan… Brett told me that you came to Samantha’s defense when Clint shoved her to the ground. He also told me that Clint was the only one that threw a punch from what he saw, and that led him to come to your defense.”

I nodded, “Yes sir. That sounds about right… How much trouble am I in?”

Mr. Miller grimaced, “I’m having to give you the same as Brett son, three day’s suspension.”

I muttered, ‘Great… Awesome way to start out the year… I’m sorry for fighting Mr. Miller.”

He smiled, “Son, you and I both know you’re not… I’ve heard enough about you from your friends and parents. If this happened again, I’m sure you’d do the exact same thing.”

I tried to keep from chuckling, and said, “Probably…”

Dad muttered, “Son there’s no probably to it… How is this going to look on his school record?”

Mr. Miller grinned, “It’s not Mr. Taylor. The rule says I have to send them home for three days, any further disciplinary actions are at my discretion. Jordan, you and Brett are getting three days, there’s nothing I can do about that. I will have your teachers email your work assignments so neither of you will fall behind. Use those days to heal, and let the excitement die down from this…”

My mom spoke up, “So what’s happening to the young man that did this?”

He told her, “Mrs. Taylor… Clint is eighteen, technically an adult, and he struck a minor… He has hereby been expelled, and the police dept. picked him up shortly before I found Jordan in the stairwell. He’s facing criminal charges now Mrs. Taylor. He won’t be here to bother either Jordan or Samantha ever again…”

The meeting was over shortly after that, and once I had gathered my books from my locker my parents took me home. Mr. Miller told me that he was going to consider today as the first day of my suspension, so that meant I wasn’t able to go back to school until Monday. Now I understood what Brett had meant when he said a long weekend. As soon as they got me home, Dad returned to work. On the ride home, once I filled them in that Sam knew, and how she found out, Mom called in to take the rest of today and tomorrow off. No, I didn’t tell them everything about how she found out, but that she had brushed past my chest and felt them. I wasn’t ready to have that conversation quite yet with them.

It seemed that Mom had other plans for me as well… Remember how she went clothes shopping last weekend? Some of the items she brought I refused to even look at, let alone try on. No, she didn’t buy me any dresses or anything like that, she didn’t even buy me anything really girly. She did buy me some girl clothes at the thrift shop though, just to see how they fit on me. She decided to up my ‘punishment’ for the fight, even though neither of them was really upset with me for what happened.

That’s what led me to be sitting on my bed in my underwear looking at the clothing on my bed. I was holding on to my new underwear, I knew they were panties even though they were just cotton briefs almost exactly like my Fruit-of-the-looms except without the front opening. She had argued with me that with the way I was filling out back there I needed these instead. Other than a couple of bras and sports bras nothing appeared to be girly in any way. A few pairs of jeans, some tee-shirts, and a couple of knit Polo shirts. Feeling the textures of the clothing I could tell that everything was a lot softer than any of my other clothes that I owned.

I heard Mom yell from downstairs that I had fifteen minutes and if I didn’t show downstairs she would come up here and dress me herself. To save myself from that embarrassment I took a deep breath and peeled off the stretched-out underwear I was wearing and slipped on the new pair. The first realization I had was that they not only fit, but they also felt good on my skin. Taking a glance in the mirror they didn’t look too bad, as long as I could convince myself they weren’t panties. I refused to call them that, instead they were just my new underwear.

Taking one of the sports bras up, they were all either white or gray, I slipped it on over my head and it only took me a second to position everything where it should be. It wasn’t uncomfortable, and Mom told me that I would need to start wearing at least one of these or my breasts would start to hurt without any support. Taking a long sigh, I decided I could live with these as well. As long as they didn’t show under my normal shirts at least. Grabbing the first pair of jeans I put my hands on, I slid the jeans on and grabbed a red tee-shirt and pulled it over my head.

Looking back in the mirror I realized that with these clothes actually fitting, I looked a lot more like a fourteen-year-old girl than I did a twelve-year-old boy, which is what I normally looked like with my ill-fitting guy clothes. The tee-shirt was made differently than my old ones I quickly realized. While the sports bra did a good job of holding my breasts down, they were still clearly visible with the new tee. Checking how the jeans fit, they weren’t tight on me, but they still showed my developing curves off quite well. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that though.

I sat back down on the bed for a few minutes, I was trying to hold back the tears that I felt trying to form. I had known that this day would come, and for the most part I had accepted it with my mindset of this being better than the alternative. Still it took me a few minutes to choke back the tears before I slipped my tennis shoes on and went downstairs for Mom’s evaluation.

I walked into the kitchen where she was washing some dishes, I cleared my throat to get her attention. When she turned around her eyes opened wide for a split second in surprise, then she noticed my expression.

“Are you okay?”, she asked.

I shrugged, “I guess… I don’t know… I mean I’ve been preparing myself for this…”

She came over to me and gave me a hug, saying “Jordan, I would do anything to fix this if I could… You know that don’t you?”

I nodded, “Yeah Mom I do… Thanks… It’s just something else I’ve got to get used to, I guess.”

“Get used to?”, she asked. “So, are you going to be wearing these things from now on?”

I nodded, but said, “The jeans and underwear feel pretty good… I know you said I needed to wear the bras… I just don’t think I’m ready to give up my other shirts… At least not yet…”

She nodded, “Okay sweetie… Whenever you’re ready… I’ll be here…”

“Thanks Mom…”, I tell her as I hugged her again.

I went back up to my room, and I only changed shirts. Wearing one of the newer baggier shirts Mom had gotten me, it didn’t look too obvious. At least without the shirt tucked in. I decided I could live with this for now, and deal with more when the changes became more obvious.

My teachers had already emailed me all the work I needed to do so I set about getting as much of that done as possible. Partially because I wanted to be productive, but mostly to keep my mind from thinking too much. I had hoped that Sam would stop by after school, at least to get her bike from where she rode it over this morning. I had hoped I could talk to her when she came to get it, but it was still there long after my Dad got back home from work.

It was just starting to get dark outside and I attempted to call her, she didn’t answer so I left her a voicemail apologizing and for her to please call me… I ended up leaving three more voicemails that night before I went to bed.

Thursday wasn’t any better, other than I finished all the school work that had been assigned to me. Mom and Dad had both gone to work and after lunch I had nothing to keep me busy. I had worked my endurance up enough that I had started jogging over the last couple of weeks, so once I had taken the protein slime I ran. I had only gotten myself up to a mile and a half with a light jog, but today I pushed myself to run two at a slightly harder pace. I was angry at myself and was pushing myself a bit harder to try to focus my anger into something productive.

That evening I tried calling her again, after the second time she did text me back…

{Sam text} *** Jordan just stop… I’m still hurt that you didn’t trust me… I need a few days… I’ll talk to you Monday. ***

I debated typing everything I needed to say in a text, but I was afraid she’d get mad at me for bugging her. I knew though I needed to say this to her, and not as a note, and definitely not a text. I also knew that I needed to tell her as soon as possible, the longer it took the angrier and more hurt she would get. It took me forever to get to sleep that night trying to figure out a way.

It was just before lunch on Friday when I had an idea. I double checked the calendar to make sure I was correct, and once I did that I sat down to formulate my plan… My plan made me extremely uncomfortable, it was going to force me to take a few steps I had been unwilling to take until now. To make things right with Sam I was willing to do whatever it took.

Trying to calm my nerves as I took the business card out of my wallet, I sent a text to the number on the card. It took about forty minutes before I got the response, ‘It’s done. Good luck to you Jordan. I hope this works out.’, that message caused me to come close to hyperventilating, but by the time my phone rang I had become almost numb. I talked for half an hour over the phone and once I was finished I texted my Mom. She responded almost immediately, telling me that was okay, she had hoped that I would take this step for the last month… With six hours until I had to leave, I sat down on my bed and did what I had been fighting for the last two days… I cried…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom ended up dropping me off at the Metro Center at six thirty, which was thirty minutes before the group was about to start. I was extremely self-conscious, I had changed into one of the new shirts and a real bra for the group meeting. I don’t know what I was thinking, but since I was going to be completely open tonight I thought I shouldn’t hide anything.

Being as early as I was, it gave me some time to talk to Dr. Rodrick in person. When he called me after Dr. Byrnes completed the transfer of me to his care, I told him what had happened with Sam and how I wanted to clear the air as quickly as possible. He wasn’t happy that I had taken so long so that everything had backfired on me but reading Dr. Byrnes notes about my fear problems he understood at least some of the issues I had been having.

We talked for about fifteen minutes before the first few people started coming in. I was sitting next to the Doc as more and more people began filtered in, some I recognized from my visit here last month, others I didn’t know. I was feeling overwhelmed and then Lisa, my young friend from the last meeting, came in with her mom. She squealed when she saw me and sprinted to give me a big hug, that made almost all my insecurities disappear.

It was right at seven, when I had about given up that she was going to show, when the door opened, and Sam walked in. My heart skipped a beat seeing her and then she said, “Sorry Tim, we were running late.” Then her eyes glanced at me sitting there and they opened wide, she then asked Dr Rodrick, who I realized most of his patients were on a first name basis with him, “Tim, what’s he doing here? I didn’t invite him to come.”

I felt my panic start to rise, especially with her still being mad at me, then the person that came in behind her made my heart sink. It was Brett that walked in right behind her and as he closed the door his eyes fell on me as well, he blurted out, “Jordan? What are you doing here?”

Tim said, “Introductions will be in a minute, but trust me, Jordan has every right to be here. Since we have new members, I will remind everyone of the golden rule here. If anyone disrespects any other member you WILL be asked to leave and might not be invited back. If the infraction is severe enough, I can then recommend you to the next closest Gender Therapist, whose practice is almost two hours away… Now that that is done, will everyone please have a seat, so we can get started.”

Seeing Brett with Sam almost made me lose it. Of course, she would have invited him. I remember how she stuttered about him being a friend that first Saturday at the practice field. I felt like such a fool… I tried not to stare at them, even though they were both staring at me in shock. I didn’t know if they were shocked that I was here, or that Tim just admitted to them I’m trans, or if it was my outfit… Hell it could have been all of the above for all I knew… I took some deep breaths trying to calm my nerves, as Tim continued to give out some ground rules. I was doblivious to what he was saying until I heard him say my name.

“Okay, first off I’d like us to welcome Jordan to our group. He’s the newest member here, while he isn’t traditionally what you’d call transgender, I promise you that he does belong here.”, he told the group. Then he nodded at me, “Jordan you ready to tell everyone why you’re here?”

I glanced around and found fourteen pairs of eyes all directed at me, due to the panic I felt I looked down at my hands clasp together in my lap, I said, “I don’t know… I’ve got to try though…” I glanced back up momentarily at Sam and saw her staring at me, unfortunately in the same glance I noticed that she was also holding Brett’s hand. Glancing back down and focusing on my hands once again, I took several deep breaths and then cleared my throat.

“Hi… Umm. My name’s Jordan. One thing that I’d like to say is that I’m not transgender… Or at least not like any of you all are… I honestly don’t know what I am… Um… Where do I start? Okay… I used to get sick a lot when I was a kid, I’ve been sick for as long as I can remember… Nothing real serious at first, but as I got older it got worse… I used to play a lot of sports, mostly baseball, but about three years ago it got bad enough that I had to be pulled off all the teams I was on… When it flared up, I’d have problems keeping anything down… It started happening more and more. Then I started losing weight, and eventually I lost so much I got put in a wheel chair… I was just too weak and in too much pain to stand… Then last year I was pulled out of school. While they were still trying to find out what was causing it, I was basically pulled out of school, so that I could go home to die…”, even though I was feeling emotionally numb, I noticed then that several tears had already dripped onto my hands, so I tried to wipe my cheeks the best that I could.

I had to pause so I could get a grip and try to stop the tears from forming, so I didn’t either completely break down or have a panic attack, or both… Finally, I was able to start again, “About six or seven months ago they found something on my blood work… They told me it was a fluke they even ran that test, but they found the problem… For the longest time we had to limit how much protein I ate when I was younger, it seemed the higher protein foods that I ate, the sicker I would get… When I came back to school this year I started telling people that I had a mutated gene that broke down the protein wrong… While that was basically true… It was the result of what was wrong, and not the cause…”

I glanced around and saw every pair of eyes glued to me, seeing Sam still clutching Brett’s hand caused me to quickly look back down again. “I don’t know how to explain this… But do you all know what AIS, or androgen insensitivity syndrome is?” Most everyone nodded. I continued, “Well like AIS I have a mutation in the gene that is supposed to interact with testosterone… Unlike in AIS patients, where the mutation causes no interaction, so the testosterone isn’t broken down, mine is much much worse… The mutated gene does bond to the testosterone and when it breaks it down, it inserts part of its mutation into the stuff the testosterone gets broken down into… The stuff that’s supposed to break down the proteins to make the steroids for your muscles and stuff is infected with the mutation as well… Instead of making something my body needs, it makes it into something that attacks my muscles, bones and joints… My body was literally poisoning itself to death…”

I did finally start crying, I couldn’t bring myself to look up at anyone until I felt a small hand on mine. I looked up and saw Lisa standing there with some Kleenex handing them to me. I took them and thanked her, she then gave me a big hug.

As I let Lisa go, the lady next to me asked, “What did they have to do?”

Drying my eyes, I answered, “They performed an orchiectomy on me…” I heard Sam gasp, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, so I continued, “They tried to synthesize testosterone to give me, but it responded the same way… They couldn’t just give me blockers to counteract what was left, because a body still needs some kind of hormones… So, I’ve been taking estrogen and progesterone for about five months now… I also have to take a protein shake every day that’s mostly already broken down, and it has a mix of hormones and blockers in it too.”

Tom then stated more than asked, “So that brings you to why you are here… You are transitioning…”

I nod at him and then look towards Sam, who’s eyes are open wide as she’s looking at me, and I say, “Even though I don’t want to…”

Bree, the lady next to me, asked me, “So you didn’t want to be a girl?”

I nodded, “I still don’t want to be a girl… I liked being a guy… I want to be a guy… The only options the doctors gave me was I could continue trying to live as a guy, with breasts and hips and everything. Or I could get a mastectomy once they quit growing, but I’ll still have hips and have to take estrogen the rest of my life. The last choice was that I accept that I’m becoming a girl and start living as one… I could get my surgery at eighteen and could live a semi-normal life after that…”

The room got quiet for a moment, before a middle age lady across the room from me said, “That sounds like a no brainer to me… The sooner that you accept that you’re becoming a girl, you can live happily ever after…”

I bit my tongue to keep from blurting out what I wanted to say… I wanted to scream at her I don’t want to be a girl though. After I regained my wits I calmly asked, “Wouldn’t that be the same as someone telling you that you should have just accepted life as a guy and you could have been happy?”

She looked pissed but before she could say anything, Tim spoke up. “That might not have been the best way to put it, but Jordan is absolutely right Ella. All of you know exactly how Jordan is just now starting to feel… You chose to transition to escape that feeling… Think of that before you respond to him like that again.”

There were a few murmurs among the group as the reality of what I was facing sunk in to the group, Bree asked me, “How are you handling it so far?”

I shrugged my shoulders and told her, “I don’t know… Probably not very good a lot of the time… I mean, like I understand it was either this or I was going to die… That’s a pretty big motivator… I keep repeating to myself, this is better than the alternative… Hoping if I say it enough I’ll eventually believe it…”

She smiled sadly at me then asked, “Does it help any?”

I mutter, “Most days… Others not so much…” Then I glanced up at Sam, I added, “Sam I’m sorry…” It was at that point that the first sob wracked my body, and glancing around I noticed what I was most afraid of seeing. Everyone was staring at me with that same expression pity I had grown to fear, I know it shouldn’t bother me, but after enduring it for so long… I just couldn’t deal with it, then I glanced down at Sam’s hand still in Brett’s and squeezing it pretty hard. I felt the second shudder through my body as I started to lose control. I stood up suddenly, I couldn’t let myself lose it in front of all these people.

Tim asked me worriedly, “Jordan are you okay?”

I nodded, “I… I need a moment… Excuse me… Sorry.” I then turned and went out into the hallway and quickly ducked into the bathroom. Once I locked the door, I slumped down against the wall and let all the fear and frustration out as I cried full body heaving sobs.

I sat there and cried for a few minutes until I heard a knock on the door and Sam’s muffled voice, ‘Jordan are you in there?”

I debated for a few seconds if I should answer her or not, then I heard her voice again, “Jordan I can hear you, let me in so I can talk to you.”

I shook my head, not that she could see me. I cleared my throat and said loud enough for her to hear me, “I’m okay Sam, don’t worry about it.”

“Jordan… No, you’re not okay, I know you’re not. Please Jordan let me in.”, she pleaded.

I half shouted, “I said I’m fine! I don’t need to talk!”

A few moments passed, then much quieter I heard her, “Okay… I’ll be back in the room… Please come back in when you’re ready…” I almost didn’t hear her as he voice started to break as she softly said, “I’m sorry…”

That set me off again, all I could picture was her holding onto Brett’s hand… How she had stumbled trying to tell me he was a ‘friend’. Then how nice Brett had been being to her… If she was ‘with’ Brett, I couldn’t figure out why she had kissed me though… The only thing I could possibly come up with, it was in the heat of the moment after Clint shoved her… It was probably just a mistake, I jumped in to help her, that had to be it… I stood up and glanced in the mirror as I remembered how she said she was into guys. Looking into the mirror I knew I that I didn’t appear to be a guy at all, or at least much of one… I thought about going back into that room but thinking about facing everyone, especially Sam and Brett, set off my ‘fight or flight’ response. I’d felt this many times over my short life, this was something I knew… This was also, to my shame, the first time I picked ‘flight’.

Before I left the bathroom, I pulled out my phone and hit dial. When the phone was answered, I just asked, “Mom can you pick me up now?”

Her voice on the other end, “Baby did it go that bad?”

I tell her, “I don’t want to talk about it now, can you come now? Please Mom…”

She softly told me, “Okay… I was worried about this… I never left the parking lot sweetie. I’ll pull up front.”

I softly tell her, “Thanks Mom… I love you…”

I hear her tell me, “I love you too, see you in a few seconds.” Then I clicked the end call button.

No sooner did I step out the front door of the Metro, Mom pulled up in her car. I quickly got in and fastened my seatbelt. She looked at me and asked, “What happened?”

I glanced at the door and not knowing if anyone was going to come look for me again I asked, “Can you start headed home? I’ll tell you on the way.” She nodded and started to drive. I thought how it would look me just leaving the group like that, so I pulled out my phone and started a text to Tim. It’s weird how both of my therapists tell me to text first and not call… I guess it’s in case they are with a patient or something…

{Me text} *** Tim I’m sorry. I couldn’t face them again right now. Mom picked me up. ***

I started to tell mom what had happened, and I didn’t leave anything out. I told her about Sam coming in with Brett and how she kept holding his hand. My phone beeped at me at that moment.

{Tim text} *** Understandable. Are you going to be okay? ***

{Me text} *** Yeah… It was just harder than I thought. ***

{Tim text} *** Group says they want you to come back. Everyone… Especially Lisa. Take care of yourself Jordan. Call me if you need. Anytime. ***

I smiled at his mention of Lisa, I quickly told mom about her. Then I responded back.

{Me text} *** Thanks. I will. ***

Oddly enough, I didn’t cry anymore the rest of the ride home as I finished telling mom what happened, including my meltdown up to where I called her. When we got home, Dad was there and gave me a hug. They both gave me a hug after I filled in Dad. I reassured them both that I was okay, just exhausted and then I headed up to get ready for bed.

It was just after my shower when I was digging in the medicine cabinet for my nightly dose of estrogen when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw that it was Sam calling. I thought I was over with my emotional rollercoaster for the day, obviously I wasn’t. I let it go to voicemail, then she called right back. I declined and sent her a text.

{Me text} *** Not tonight Sam. I can’t talk anymore tonight. ***

{Sam text} *** Jordan I’m sorry. I need to talk to you. Please. ***

I started to get mad, after all she refused to talk to me to let me explain. I quickly pushed that back though, I really did want to talk to her. Even with what had happened. Just not right now.

{Me text} *** Okay… Just not tonight though. I just can’t. ***

{Sam text} *** K… Tomorrow? Please ***

{Me text} *** K tomorrow ***

I turned my volume off on my phone at that point. I realized that I had to keep that promise and talk to her. My main concern was going to be trying to hold it together after tonight. What little bit of control I had regained dealing with this was thrown out of the window seeing her and Brett. I then remembered what I had been doing before her text had interrupted me, so as I reached back into the cabinet my eyes locked into another bottle of hormones. One that I was supposed to throw away months ago. It was the trial bottle of testosterone they had prescribed to me after I was castrated, they wanted to try to see if my body could handle these any better. Obviously, they didn’t work otherwise I wouldn’t have been reaching for my estrogen.

Taking the bottle out and looking at it I started thinking that these might help be gain some semblance of control for tomorrow. Just taking some tonight shouldn’t hurt too bad, so I might get a little sick. Weighing my options, possibly getting a little sick or losing it and breaking down in front of Sam, I quickly decided on the former. Just enough to get through tomorrow. Reading the dosage, I was supposed to take two a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. One day’s dose couldn’t be that bad, right? I quickly downed two of the pills and placed it back next to my untouched bottle of estrogen. Glancing at myself in the mirror I thought this would be easy, I just need the extra little help.

It took me a while to fall asleep, I was a bundle of nerves thinking about tomorrow. Finally, though I was able to drift off to sleep. Unfortunately for me the muscle cramps woke me up around two in the morning. They weren’t too terribly bad I thought, I could still deal with this, they were just uncomfortable. Then another hour passed, and the cramps progressively had gotten worse and I ended up in the bathroom with my body trying to expel food that I hadn’t even eaten. I had been in there for twenty to thirty minutes before a cramp hit severe enough that it caused me to cry out in pain. A minute later my parents found me in the bathroom curled up into a ball.

Mom leaned over to try to check on me, “Jordan! Honey! What’s wrong?”

I was in the middle of a cramp, so I pointed up to the medicine cabinet. Dad opened it up and quickly his eye’s fell on the bottle of testosterone. He pulled it out and held it up, so I could see it, I nodded the best that I could. Then he demanded, “How many Jordan?”

“T…Two…”, I mumbled.

He asked, “Only two?” I nodded.

The cramp was mostly passed, I told them through clenched teeth, “I’m sorry Dad… I fucked up… I…” Then the mother of all muscle cramps coursed through my body… I couldn’t even cry out, and a few moments later I blacked out…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 11

---

---

Author's Note:Many apologies for the cliff hangers, and the time it took me to get this one finished. Thank you to all those who have commented, and if you saw my blog post you'd have seen the bit about my daughters graduation. This last two weeks on top of getting my oldest through her graduation, this last week was helping my middle through her finals. That and with them only being barely a year apart, through both of their birthdays. Gosh I'm tired lol. Hopefully this one will make up the last chapter like I had promised. {hugs}-~Rebecca

When I regained consciousness, I was almost blinded by the bright light that was in the room. I quickly shut my eyes and groaned, my entire body felt as if I’d been run over by a truck. I tried to open my eyes again, this time much more slowly. As everything slowly came into focus I recognized the room I was in as a hospital room, I’ve been in enough to know. I also realized that I was hooked up to monitors with an IV, I immediately started wondering how badly I had screwed up. Looking around I saw my Mom sitting in a chair besides my bed. She had her head resting in her hand with her eyes closed and appeared to be taking a nap. With the light in the room and not being able to see out a window I had no idea what time, or even what day it was. I tried to sit up some so I could look around better and groaned again much louder.

Mom immediately sat up, “Jordan… How do you feel?”

“I’m really sore, it’s like every single muscle hurts…”, I told her. Then I apologized, “Mom, I’m sorry… I didn’t think that this would happen… I just thought it might help…”

“Help? Help what? How could you have thought this would help anything? You know what that medication did to you.”, she accused.

I muttered, “I just… I don’t know Mom… After everything that had happened… Sam texted me and I had agreed to talk with her on Saturday… I was just so messed up… It had never made me this sick before. I thought it would just help me clear my head enough to talk without breaking down again…”

She sighed, “Jordan… From what your doctor told me, before the operation your body had built up a resistance to the protein malfunction… Since then though… You had no resistances built up anymore so it....”

I sighed in understanding, “So it hit me like a Mac truck…” She nodded. I then added, “Wish they didn’t pull back and forth so many times.” I chuckled softly, only because it hurt to do so.

Mom shook her head at me and said, “How can you joke right now?”

I softly shrugged my shoulders, even that caused me to wince a bit. I told her, “What else can I do Mom? I was stupid I know that… Now…”

About that time a nurse came in to check on me, after I told her how sore I was she injected something into my IV to help me relax. I fell back asleep a few minutes later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~o~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time I woke up the lights didn’t hurt my eyes near as badly as earlier. The room appeared a bit darker now, and I realized it must have been evening, due to hardly any light coming in through the windows behind me. I didn’t see my parents when I glanced around the room, but I did see a slightly familiar face sitting in the chair reading out of a notebook. I started to try to sit up, and while I wasn’t as sore as earlier, it still caused me to groan slightly.

My new gender therapist looked up and asked, “Hey Jordan, how are you feeling?”

I sighed, I knew I would be asked this constantly for the foreseeable future, but I was already getting tired of hearing it. I told him, “I guess I’m doing okay… I’m just sore…”

He leaned over and helped me sit up and place a pillow behind me instead of operating the bed’s machinery. He told me, “You know that you worried a lot of people.”

I nodded, “I know… I wasn’t trying to… I just thought that it would help get get a handle on things…”

He nodded, “I’ve already talked to your parents… Your Mom told me what you had told her this morning… I understand why you did it… You realize though that it was pretty foolish, don’t you?”

I snorted, “Yeah… Well waking up in the hospital sort of pointed that out to me…” He laughed hard. I realized what I said and apologized, “Sorry… Sometimes I’m kind of an ass…”

He chuckled, “Dr. Byrnes put down that you were a smart ass in his notes. I can see why he did now. That’s perfectly okay with me. Some might disagree, but I’ve always thought a high level of sarcasm is a good marker for mental stability. Having a sense of humor is actually healthy Jordan.”

I rolled my eyes, “I should be the poster child for mental health then…”

He laughed again, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves Jordan. It’s just one of the many markers I look for. You’ve got a lot on your plate, without a doubt, but I know you can get through this.”

I nodded, and said softly, “I know… It’s just so damn hard…”

He told me gently, “I know it is… You’ve got a lot of people here for you that want to help. Not only your friends and family, but also every single person in the group are here for you. I hope you come back, they can help.”

I softly told him, “I know I have a lot of support… It’s just that… I feel like nobody understands what I’m going through… When people tell me that ‘I can get through this’, inside I’m like how the eff do you know? They don’t know what I’m going through… It all seems so fake to me…”

He started, “Jordan… That’s why the group would be good for you. They can understand what you’re going through… Especially if you’re there to explain it to them…”

I blurt out, “But they all want to be girls… Like Ella, I think her name was, they would all love for this to happen to them… How can they understand…”

He shook his head, “I know that Jordan…They understand the battle with their gender though. You don’t want to be a girl… Would it matter to you if I told you that I understood?”

I looked at him quizzically and said, “Well you’re supposed to sort of understand right? That’s what they teach you in college right?”

He shook his head, “No they didn’t teach me this in college… Well maybe they tried to teach us to be empathetic, but… You know what? While I usually do this on a first session, and since we’ve yet to have a real session… I think introductions are in order.”

I mutter, “But we’ve already met?”

He laughed softly, “Just humor me Jordan.”

Still looking at him strangely and trying to figure out what he’s up to, I stick my hand out and say, “Okay… I’m Christopher Jordan Taylor… The third…” Yeah… I hated my first name… Well maybe not hated, but both my Dad and Granddad were ‘Chris’. So, I went with Jordan as soon as they let me decide. Tradition just wasn’t really my thing.

He raised his eyebrows at hearing ‘The Third’, but he shook my hand anyway and stated, “Jordan, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Tabitha Anne Rodrick… Or at least that’s what my parents named me.”

I was stunned. I looked at Tim and realized a few things that I hadn’t paid much attention to. I realized he wasn’t as big as most guys, of course he was still huge compared to me. He had large eyes with long eyelashes, but most of his facial features were hidden behind an almost full beard.

I stammer, “Wait… You’re…”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m transgender too… I don’t usually spread that around. It’s hard enough being the only gender therapist in this town, while people generally are pretty decent here… There’s enough that already want to run my practice out of here… I always disclose that to my patients on our first session though. I want them to know I understand, and not just as book knowledge.” He paused to let that sink in, then he continued, “Jordan… I transitioned when I was working on my doctorate. I always knew from a young age that being Tabitha was wrong for me. I know what it’s like watching your body develop as female, when that’s the last thing you want… While I know that you have limited options with what you can do… I want you to know I do understand most of what you’re dealing with… I want to help you, you just have to let me.”

I was stunned, I softly asked, “Is that why you became a gender therapist?”

He nodded, “Yes, it is. Even though I only transitioned ten years ago, finding a therapist that dealt with this was difficult… I wanted to give back in a way to the community. Ultimately though, I simply wanted to help people. People that are struggling with a gender identity problem, people like you Jordan.”

I slowly nodded, “Okay…”

He asked, “Okay? To what? Will you let me help you?”

I said, “Yeah… I’d like to try at least…”

He smiled, “Well that’s good enough for right now… I’m going to get out of here… I understand that you’ve got your parents here and it’s late. So, I’m going to head out to let your next visitor in. I’ll reschedule our next appointment to be sooner if that’s okay with you.”

I nodded, “That’s okay with me… Thanks Doc… Err I mean Tim…”

He laughed as he was getting up to leave, “That’s okay Jordan. Either works, but I’d prefer if you just call me Tim. I’ve found that having a good friend is better than just a therapist… Friends call each other by their name and not title.”

I laughed, “Well wouldn’t that make you both?”

He turned to face me right before he stepped out of the room, “That’s what I’m aiming for Jordan. See you in a few days.”

I sat back in the bed for a moment, just letting all that information sink in. I knew what I did was stupid… Well I knew it now, you know that old saying about hindsight being 20/20 and all… I also realized how it probably looked to everyone around me, even with me trying to explain that I seriously wasn’t trying to hurt myself. That’s what they all probably thought. That’s why Tim was here, and the look on my parent’s face. I knew I had to start making progress with… well me… I realized that I liked Tim… I didn’t really dislike my old therapist, but he was always so clinical with me… Tim was different… I liked different.

I also tried to get out of bed, the nurses had removed my IV and stuff, and I desperately didn’t want to use the bedpan. I struggled for a minute to get up, and while I felt weak, I was nowhere near as weak as I used to be. Maybe I should have pressed the pager to have someone help me to the bathroom, but as you’ve all guessed. My ass is incredibly stubborn, if you hadn’t figured that out by now.

It had taken me several minutes to get my business done, I had to hold on to the wall and furniture to help me not to fall. Once I was finished and had washed my hands, I started making my way back to the bed. As I stepped out of the bathroom the face I saw waiting on me almost made me fall. She was quick though and hopped up to help support me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”, Sam asked me as she helped me to the bed. I wanted to be mad at her. To be mad about her storming away from me in the stairwell, for her holding on to Brett’s hand at the group… I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t. All I knew was I felt so relieved to see her, and how good it felt for her arm to be around me. She even smelled so good, but not in that girly fruity lotion type of smell… She just smelled like Sam. It made my heart race.

As she helped me into a sitting position on the bed I told her, “I was just wanting to use the bathroom… I’m sorry…”

She scolded me, “You don’t have to do everything by yourself Jordan… It’s okay to ask for help, you stubborn ass.”

I sighed, “I know…”

Then her face softened, and I could see the concern clearly when she asked, “So are you going to be okay? I mean from this at least?”

I told her, “Yeah I think so… They don’t think I did any permanent damage or anything, so just a setback to my overall recovery… I’ll be sore and tired for a few days is all…”

She nodded, “I’m really glad you’re going to be okay… I’m still mad at you though…”

I sigh, “I don’t blame you Sam… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth… I was just so scared… I tried to though…”

She shook her head, “That’s not what I’m mad at Jordan… I understand that now… I’m mad at you because you promised…” She started to tear up and her voice started to crack. I looked at her confused, and she took a deep breath and said, “The relay races in the nursing home… You promised to be there… I thought you were breaking that promise when your Mom told me you were in the hospital this morning…” I saw her face as the first tear streaked down her cheek.

I tried to reassure her, “Sam I wasn’t trying to break that promise… I swear… My emotions they’ve just been… Overwhelming… I thought it would help me get a bit of control of them when we talked… I’m sorry…” I felt the emotions well up within me in the moment. I guess Sam noticed it when she leaned over and grabbed me in a tight hug. While it hurt slightly with my muscles being as sore as they were, it felt much better to have her hug me. I could deal with my muscle ache.

She whispered in my ear, “Jordan… The last couple of days, especially today I realized something… I don’t want you in my life… I need you… I need my best friend Jordan…”

I nodded and whimpered in her grasp, “I need my best friend too Sam…”

We sat there and hugged for a long time as we both softly wept in each other’s arms. When we separated she told me, “I’m not mad at you anymore okay? But if you try something stupid like this again, I’ll kick your ass. Do you understand me?” She then let out a watery giggle.

I laughed softly and told her, “Deal… So best friends still?”

She nodded and said, “Of course… Even though I needed some time to think… You didn’t stop being my best friend… I promise…”

I nodded, then asked her, “So now that you know everything… Do you regret kissing me in the stairwell?”

She looked confused and told me, “No… Why would you think I regretted that?”

I looked down at my hands and told her, “I remember you telling me that you were into guys… Now that you know… I won’t be a guy much longer… Or if I’m even a guy now…”

Realization struck on her face, she told me, “Jordan I said I thought I was maybe into guys… If he was the right one… I was talking about you… I honestly thought that you wouldn’t be into me…”

Confused I asked her, “Why? I told you that I was into girls…”

It was her turn to look down at her hands in her lap, “But I’m not a girl… I’m a trans-girl…”

I scold her, “Shut up! Sam you’re a girl…”

She tried to argue, “But I am, I’m…”

I interrupt, “Answer this honestly… Are you a girl? Or are you a boy?”

Sam mutters, “But I still have a…”

“Stop it Sam.” I tell her. “Boy or a girl?”

She looks up at me and softly says, “A girl…”

I smiled at her, “That’s what I thought… It doesn’t matter to me if your trans… I don’t even think of you as my best trans friend… Your just my best friend, who happens to be a girl you know?”

She smiles softly and asks, “Really? I just thought that… You’d want to be with like a real girl…”

I scold again, “Stop it Sam… If you didn’t notice, I kissed you back didn’t I?

She blushed and said, “I thought I had imagined that part… When we were kissing… When I touched your… Did you? You know? I felt you start shaking…”

That caused me to blush as I told her, “I don’t know what happened… My entire body was tingling and then… I honestly don’t know what happened…”

We sat there for a few moments in silence, her just sitting beside me on the bed and holding hands. Finally, she said, “So this entire time you thought I wouldn’t be interested in you because you’re changing, and I thought you wouldn’t want to be with me because I’m trans…”

I let that sink in for a moment, all the thoughts we each had had. Simply because we kept beating around the bush and not saying exactly what we had meant. With how I had been so afraid to totally open up with Sam, and in a way, she was doing the same. I finally joked, “Aren’t we a pair…”

She softly giggled, then after a moment she softly told me, “I’d still like us to be…” She then stared directly at me while softly biting her lip waiting for my response.

I asked, “Really?” She just nodded, still biting her lip, which caused my insides to flutter. “It doesn’t bother you that my body is changing? I mean I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do…”

She gave my hand a squeeze, “Jordan… No, it doesn’t matter to me… No matter what you decide to do, you’ll still be my best friend right?” I simply nod, afraid of saying anything to ruin the moment. She continues, “It doesn’t matter if you decide to have your breasts removed or keep them and just be a guy with boobs. I don’t even care if you decide that being a girl is the way to go… Jordan I like you okay… Doesn’t matter what your body does or doesn’t do.”

I nod and softly say, “Okay…” I felt the tears forming, but I didn’t do anything to stop them. I just sat there staring into Sam’s brown eyes, enjoying that small moment with her. I didn’t mind that I felt that I was crying, because I wasn’t upset. I might have had several different emotions running through me, but mostly I was relieved and happy that she was sitting here with me.

She softly wiped the tears off my cheek and asked, “Hey what’s wrong?”

I shook my head and told her, “Nothing… These are good tears, at least that’s what they feel like.” I gently put my hand over her hand that was still caressing my cheek.

She smiled at me and then slowly leaned towards me slightly, then paused for a moment staring into my eyes. I softly nodded to her and she leaned further in until our lips touched. I gently moved my hand from her hand and slowly moved it to her cheek, and we both sat there kissing for several long moments until I heard someone clear her throat.

Sam and I both quickly sat up and turned to look at the person at the door as Mom smiled and said, “I see that you two have made up.”

I felt my face turn crimson at being caught kissing Sam, and not because she was trans. Looking at Sam I saw her face was bright red as well. I told Mom, “Yeah we have…”

Mom smirked at our embarrassment and told us, “Well I was just coming to check on you two, and to tell Sam that her mom said she could ride home with me once visiting hours are over.”

Sam looked up at my Mom and said, “Thanks Mrs. T. I’m umm sorry you caught us… Umm…”

Mom actually giggled at Sam, she teased, “Sam honey… I don’t mind… Isn’t that what boyfriend and girlfriends normally do?”

Both of our faces blushed an even deeper shade of red to Mom’s amusement, she softly laughed and told us, “I’ll go back in the waiting room and let you two have some more time. Sam we’ve got just under an hour until visiting hours are over by the way.”

Sam told her, “Thanks Mrs. T. Don’t you want to visit Jordan though? I can wait in the visiting room.”

Mom smiled and told her, “No sweetie, I think you two need the time right now. I’ll come up and get you when its time.” With that she was back out the door.

Sam exclaimed, “Oh… my… God…”

I laughed, “My sentiments exactly…” We both then broke into giggles. I then noticed how tired Sam looked, I think told her so, “You look wiped out… How long have you been here?”

She shook her head, “I’m okay Jordan… I’ve been here since this morning… When I texted you this morning to see if we could talk as soon as practice was over, your mom sent me a text telling me you were admitted last night… I got my Mom to drop me off right after…”

I apologized, “God I’m sorry… I didn’t mean for you to miss practice…”

Sam told me, “Don’t… It’s okay… The girls understood, and they were concerned too. So, I’ve been answering texts most of the day… You’ve basically got the entire softball team as friends now, you know that, right?”

I nodded, “Shelly talked to me a bit after that one practice… She said that she would love to be friends with me…”

Sam scooted a bit closer to me and said, “Jordan… They’re all impressed with you…” She then looked closer at me and softly told me, “You said I looked tired… You should see yourself. You look exhausted…”

I shrugged my shoulders, and told her, “I’m okay… I’m kinda used to be worn out…”

She gave me a concerned look and told me, “Why don’t you lie down and get some rest okay? You need to get stronger, so you can get out of here.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap and said, “I don’t want you to leave Sam… I can stay awake till visiting hours are over. It’ll be okay.”

She shook her head, “Don’t argue… Why don’t we compromise… Why don’t you lie down, and I’ll stay until you fall asleep?” I nodded, she then said,” Well then lie down and scoot over.” She then proceeded to kick her shoes off.

Confused I asked, “What are you doing?”

She giggled and said, “I’m not stripping, you dork, now scoot over. I’m staying on top of the covers.”

I slid over and laid on my left side, she then lied down next to me on top of the covers. I asked, “Like this?”

She smiled, and gently put her hand on top of mine, “Yeah, is this okay?” I just nodded back smiling.

We stayed like that and talked for probably the next half hour, occasionally sharing a light kiss, both of us were slowly nodding off. As I was staring at her, and watching her eyes start drooping, I remembered something important. Even with everything that had happened I couldn’t believe I had forgotten this. I asked, “Sam… You said you weren’t into guys? Right?”

She nodded and softly muttered, “Umm humm, Yeah… Not into guys… Just you…”

I asked, “Umm… Last night… What were you doing with Brett at the group? I saw you holding his hand.”

She said, with her eyes still closed, “Yeah… It was the first time he’d ever been… He was nervous.”

Confused, I asked, “So you invited him to come?”

She giggled softly, “No silly… Last night wasn’t a ‘Loved one’s’ meeting… Brett was invited by Tim.” She then fell asleep, or at least her breathing drifted off into a slow and steady rhythm.

I muttered, “Oh…” I was still stunned with that revelation as I felt myself start to drift off as well.

Authors afterthought : I did want to say, the character of Tim is a shout out to my own GT. Who also dropped that bomb on me on our first session. I thought that was actually too cool not to include in this story. ~ Rebecca
 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 12

---

---

Author's Note:I finally got this one finished, I’mm So sorry it took me this long. As I posted in my last blog I’m getting better after the change in my HRT meds, but I’m not quite there yet. Thank you all for following this, and I truly hope you enjoy.{hugs}-~Rebecca

I woke up the next morning to find myself alone in my bed. I wasn’t surprised, but wistfully I thought how nice it would have been to see Sam’s face when I woke up. Looking around my room I realized that this was the first time since being here that I woke up alone in my room. Part of me hated the thought of being alone, but at the same time with everything that had come out, I was mostly thankful for the quiet time.

I slowly sat up and while there were still a few aches and pains, most of the soreness had faded. Other than the few winces I made sitting up, at least I didn’t make any actual groans this time. I debated hitting the call button, but decided I’d see how hard it was to stand on my own first. I found my strength was returning and other than being a bit wobbly, I was able to stand easily enough and make my short journey to the bathroom.

While I was sitting down doing my business I realized that other than the sponge baths, I hadn’t showered in a couple of days and I smelled. I found a seat was built into the shower, so thankfully I didn’t have to risk falling. The warm water felt amazing as my tired and sore muscles absorbed the heat. It didn’t take me too long to bathe, and once I was finished washing I just sat under the water trying to relax. I had no clue how long I sat there when the bathroom door opened.

“Jordan, you okay in there?”, Mom asked.

“Yeah Mom… I was just finishing up in here.”, I told her. I hoped she didn’t know how long I had been sitting there, so I quickly shut the water off.

“Umm okay… I brought you some clothes. The doctors told me that you’re going to be released today. I thought you’d be happy to get out of that gown they gave you.”

Turning off the water I told her, “Thanks Mom… You have no idea…”

She quickly handed me a towel while trying not to look at me directly, “I think I do sweetie… Do you need any help getting dressed?”

Blushing, because I really didn’t want her to see any more of my body’s changes than she already had, I told her, “Thanks but I’m okay… I’m strong enough and my balance is mostly back… I’m good.”

“Okay honey, I’ll be in the room out here. Just yell if you need anything.”, she told me as she softly closed the door.

I quickly finished drying off and grabbed the bag of clothes she had laid on the counter. The first piece I pulled out made me frown. It was one of the bras she had bought for me. At least it was just a basic non-frilly cotton bra, but it was still a bra… I whined, “Mom why did you bring me this?”

I heard her voice through the door, “Are you talking about the bra? You have to wear something Jordan. They’re getting big enough to start bouncing… You’re really not going to like that.”

Listening to her I decided to see, so I bounced on my toes to check. Unfortunately, she was right, while it didn’t hurt I definitely felt them move on their own. I groaned, “Why didn’t you bring the sports bras then…”

I heard her sigh, “I thought you were okay with wearing a regular one… You did to the group…
Look, if you want I can go back home and grab some different things.”

I shook my head, even if she couldn’t see it. I told her, “No, that’s okay Mom… I’ll wear it…”

I sighed and fastened the bra in front and slid it around before I slid my arms into the straps. Pulling out the other part of my underwear I grimaced as I slid the plain cotton panties on. Honestly, neither the bra or panties felt uncomfortable, after all they were both soft plain cotton. I turned at that moment to look at myself in the full-length mirror hanging on the bathroom door and gasped. I could hardly see anything resembling a boy looking back at me in the mirror. I saw a young teen-age girl in her underwear staring back at me. I could see that it was mostly still my face at least, but the hormones had even softened some of my facial features. The girl was thin, but she no longer looked emaciated like the boy that I remembered.

Taking a deep sigh, I pulled the remainder of the clothes out of the bag, noticing one of the items was one of the new pair of jeans she had bought along with one of my old tee-shirts. I quickly pulled those on and took another glance in the mirror, hoping that those would cover up the girl so that I could see more of the old me again. Unfortunately, the only kind of boy that I saw would at most be considered a tomboy. A tomboy with a shitty haircut. Great…

I felt a slight shudder run through my body at the thought that I already looked more female than male. Even knowing that this all was going to happen, it was still a huge blow to my male psyche. I felt the urge to start crying, but thankfully was able to hold it back this time. It was no longer as strong of an urge as I was slowly starting to accept all of this. Of course, accepting it and being okay with it are two completely different issues. I softly sighed as I remembered this is still better than what I had been facing. Having Sam in my life was helping a lot.

Stepping out of the bathroom I noticed Mom reading a magazine sitting in one of the chairs, I told her, “Mom, thanks for bringing me some clothes. Even with… I still appreciate it…”

She looked up and I caught the momentary surprise on her face as she saw how the clothes made me look, she told me, “You’re welcome sweetie.” Then she took a moment to look me over once again, and as her eyes rested back up to mine she asked, “So how are you doing?”

I felt my shoulders shrug as I said, “I guess I’m doing alright…”

I saw the concern written clearly on her face as she said, “You don’t look alright… I wish I could help you more than I am…” She motioned for me to come closer, so I did.

I softly tell her, “I know… I’m sorry Mom… I’m trying to be… I’m… It’s… It’s just so hard… I mean I’ve known this was going to happen… It’s just…” I stopped talking as I felt my chest start to tighten and I took a deep breath, biting my bottom lip to keep it from quivering.

She gently grabbed me by the arms and pulled me to her lap and told me, “I know you’re trying baby… Come here and sit with me okay.”

I half-heartedly fussed, “Mom… I’m too big to sit on your lap…” I didn’t try to resist too much, as if it would have mattered. Mom was stronger than I was. I’m not going to lie, even though I felt I was too grown to sit in my mom’s lap it felt good to lean into her as she wrapped her arms around me.

She gently teased, “You’ll never be too big to sit in my lap…” She gently held me and softly rocked with me. I immediately felt a lot of the tension quickly start to fade as I gently held on to her. After several minutes she asked, or maybe was more of a statement, “So, you and Sam?”

Swallowing hard I ask with a bit of fear in my voice, “Umm… What about us?”

She softly chuckled, “Don’t worry Jordan, it’s just me asking as your Mom. I take it when I found you both asleep last night holding hands that you’ve worked everything out with her?”

I softly say, “Oh… Yeah… I guess we have… Umm… Mom? It doesn’t bother you that you caught us kissing?”

I felt her shake her head as she responded, “I guess no more than it would bother any mother to see her son kissing a pretty girl… As long as you’re not planning on more than just kissing right now…”

I gently shook my head, “Nope… Just kissing… I don’t think we could do anything even if we wanted to with our… You know… Our situation…”

She asked, “You mean with you still being physically male? Or with her blockers and… Well… your surgery?”

I nodded and said, “All the above… I mean… Right now, when she kisses me… Or even just holding my hand… It makes my skin all tingly… She makes me feel something… I just never thought I’d ever feel anything with anyone ever since the denutation…”

She fussed, “Jordan Taylor! I’ve told you not to call it that!”

That caused me to chuckle, “Well that’s what happened isn’t it? They denutted me you know…”

She groaned, “That’s it, you definitely inherited your fathers horrible sense of humor…” She softly giggled though, then she gently kissed the top of my head and told me, “I’m glad that she makes you feel those things sweetie… That’s important.” She then started rocking with me again.

Giving her a gentle squeeze, I tell her, “Thanks Mom.” I felt her nod her head as she started to hum as she rocked me. I distinctly remember the last time she did this. I was close to the lowest I had gotten, and everyone was surprised how hard I was still hanging on. As much as that closeness I remembered when I was so close to dying, this was so much better. I didn’t even feel tired or anything, but it still only took me a few moments before I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t know how long I slept but I roused slightly when the door to my room opened and a familiar voice said, “Jordan? Mrs. T.? Oh…”

I felt my mom jerk slightly, I guess she had fallen asleep too. She still managed to say, “Hi Sam.”

Sam quietly asked, “If you both need your rest we can come back?”

Mom said, “Don’t be silly. Jordan honey?” She gently shook me to try to awake me.

I started to sit up and said, “I’m awake…” It was then that both Mom and I realized that I had drooled on her blouse… A lot… I apologize, “Mom… I’m sorry…”

She laughed, “It’s okay baby. It’s just a shirt, it’ll wash out fine… It just meant you were tired…”

I quickly stood up wiping my face of any residual drool as I blushed. I then stretched and smiled, “Hey Sam…” She was holding back laughter at my embarrassment, but her eyes quickly grew wide as I stretched. I wasn’t thinking about my changes, but with her expression I realized she could see how developed I was, with how everything was fitting me. I quickly stopped my stretch and started to turn away, so she couldn’t see.

Sam quickly stepped over to me and gently turned me back towards her. She told me, “Jordan its okay… You don’t have to hide from me… I promise none of this matters to me.”

I sigh as I look into her eyes, “I know… It’s just a reflex I guess… I’m sorry…”

She smiled at me in a way that made my skin get all tingly, she then teased, “I know, it’s okay… So, what’s a girl have to do to get a kiss from her boyfriend?”

I immediately felt my heart start to race as I felt myself start to blush. I couldn’t think of anything to say, besides actions are louder than words anyway. Right? So, I took half a step closer to her and not even caring how unmasculine it might have looked, I rocked up on my tip-toes as she bent her head down slightly until our lips met. I’m sure that it looked comical, here I was standing on my tip-toes to kiss my girlfriend with my arms wrapped around her waist, and her arms draped around my shoulders. Honestly neither of us cared, or at least we didn’t until we heard another voice clear their throat. I quickly slid back down off my toes and looked behind Sam where the voice come from.

Seeing the tall guy leaning in the doorway I said, “Hey Brett… How’re you doing?”

“Pretty good.”, he answered, but then his brows slightly knitted together as he asked, “Since you’re the one in the hospital, shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

I laughed, but then glanced at Sam and then back at him, “Yeah I guess… I’m doing… better…” I then gave Sam a gentle squeeze since my arms were still around her waist, and said, “I’m getting better though… I take it you gave Sam a ride here?”

He nodded, “Yeah, she asked me if I could at church this morning. I didn’t mind… After seeing you Friday night…” He paused as he glanced over at my mother who was smiling at Sam and me. He continued, “I umm… Wanted to see how you were doing too… Thought we might could talk…”

I nodded, but before I could ask Mom for privacy she stood up and said, “I think I’m going to stretch my legs… Do any of you want anything to drink from the cafeteria?” She quickly took our requests and then stepped out of the room, but not before asking Brett, “Are you the one that jumped in to help Jordan during that fight?”

He told her, “Yes Mrs. Taylor… Although I think I was probably helping Clint more, I saw the look on Jordan’s face after he got hit… Clint was going to have his hands full with him…”

That actually made Mom laugh, “Maybe so, but glad we didn’t have to find out… Thank you though for helping my son.”

He blushed and told her, “You’re welcome Mrs. Taylor… I wanted you to know I really admire Jordan… He’s the kind of guy I wish I could be.” He looked almost ashamed at that moment, but he recovered quickly and added, “I really look up to him, you know… Well not actually… but… You know what I mean right?”

Mom laughed, and told him, “Yes I know what you mean… Seriously, thank you for looking out for him. For looking out for them both…”

He nodded and softly told her, “It’s what friends do… Or at least what they’re supposed to do.” She nodded as she stepped out of the room and gently eased the door close.

I told him, “Just so you know Brett, my Mom’s really cool… You could have talked in front of her. She wouldn’t care.” I motioned for us to sit down, I sat down on the bed and Sam sat down next to me clutching my hand in hers. Brett took the chair once he moved it closer to the bed.

He told me, “Yeah I know… Since she’s so awesome with Sam and you… It’s just… Hard… To talk about it…”

I laughed, not at him but at his statement, “You do remember who you’re talking to right? I get that… Sam didn’t tell me anything… I wanted you to know that… Just that Friday wasn’t a ‘friends allowed’ group… You don’t have to tell me anything Brett… I promise you though I won’t say anything to anyone unless you give me the okay…” Sam let go of my left hand with hers, and then moved one arm around my back and grabbed my hand now in her right as she gave me a side hug.

Brett nodded, “I know you wouldn’t Jordan… You’re a good… guy… Is that right? You still identify as a guy?” I nodded, and he continued, “You’re actually one of the most standup guys I’ve ever known…”

I shook my head as I tried to keep my voice catching in my throat, “Brett… No, I’m not… I…”

Sam gave my hand a squeeze, “Jordan stop it. You are… You always try to do the right thing Jordan… You always jump in to defend those that can’t or won’t defend themselves… You’re an amazing guy.”

It took me a moment to get my emotions under control, the praise they were both giving me was starting to overwhelm me. I quickly tried to change the subject, “What did you mean about wishing you were the kind of guy like me? You were at the group… Doesn’t that mean you’re trans as well?”

He nodded and swallowed hard, as he softly spoke, “Yeah I am… That doesn’t mean I want to be…”

I utter, “Oh…” In all my reading I’ve read that a lot of trans people wished that they weren’t trans. Most fought hard and long to try to retain that person they thought they were born to be. I’ve also read that most eventually lose that struggle, either by eventually transitioning or far, far worse… I asked, “So did you know since you were little that you were… Different?”

Brett shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know… I don’t think that I knew I felt like I was a girl… I knew that girl things didn’t bother me… Actually, I used to be drawn to my Mom’s stuff… Like her shoes and makeup and stuff… Everything didn’t really hit me until a few months ago…”

Sam spoke up, “Brett I’m sorry…”

He gave Sam a sad smile, “It’s not your fault Sam… It’s okay… This is all on me…” At my confused expression Brett continued, “She wants to blame herself… I had all this crap buried for a long time… When she came out at church at the beginning of the summer… All those feelings came back… It was like they were uncovered… They’ve been so strong… It’s been rough… No matter what though it’s not her fault…”

I thought about what he said, and something stuck out in my head. I asked, “You said you used to be drawn to her stuff… What happened to change that and cause you to bury it?”

Brett looked up towards the ceiling, I could see his eyes starting to tear up, as he said, “My Dad happened… I was like eight or nine and he caught me playing with her make-up and wearing her dress…” He scoffed as he wiped his eyes.

Somberly I asked, “What did he do Brett?”

He half laughed and sobbed, “What else for an asshole like him to do… He tried to beat the gay out of me… I was only a kid… Except I wasn’t gay…”

Seeing him start to cry like he was, this big huge quarterback made me feel like shit, complete and total shit… I realized exactly how lucky I was, and how lucky Sam was for the parents that we had. No matter how close I came to dying, or what they had to do to save me, I was still the lucky one. As he was staring down at his hands clasp in front of him I could see the tears start falling, and it broke my heart. He was a good guy, even if he wasn’t he didn’t deserve that. Without a word I gently got up and stepped up to him and as he looked up at me I leaned in and wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him. It took him a moment before he hugged me back and as he cried I softly told him, “Brett… It’s okay, let it out man. Just let it out. Just know that it’s not your fault either okay…”

He sobbed, “But it is… If I didn’t feel this way… He wouldn’t have left…”

It then hit me with what the coach had told me, he had been blaming himself for his father bailing. It pissed me off, “Brett, it’s not your fault okay. Your dad is just an asshole. He shouldn’t have ever beaten you for that… He shouldn’t have left… His job was to love you, and he fucked that up Brett. Not you, you got that?”

He shook his head, “But… but… I was the only child… The only son… It’s what I was supposed to be…”

I gave him a gently shake to get him to look at me, when he did I told him, “Look at me Brett… I’m an only child, and the only son… Don’t you think I realize that I’ll never give my parents grandkids… They’re amazing parents, I can only imagine how amazing they would have been as grandparents… I can’t do those things for them Brett… No matter how bad I wish I could… It’s not your fault…”

He argued, “Jordan that’s bullshit and you know it. You had that problem with your testosterone, it’s a medical condition that you couldn’t help. It’s not the same!”

I shook my head at him as I softly told him, “Brett… I’ve read too much about this since my diagnosis… From what I’ve read and how I understand it… You couldn’t help it either… Right?”

He looked directly into my eyes as if he was trying to stare into my soul, I simply stared back at him. He started to sputter, “But I thought I could forget it… I mean if I tried more maybe I could… Maybe if I…”

I said more forcefully, “Brett, you couldn’t help it…” He quit sputtering and stared at me, and I repeated softly, “It’s not your fault…”

There was a look in his eyes the moment that clicked with him, he quickly wrapped his arms around me as started crying again. He hugged me tight, tight enough that it hurt, a lot. Sam saw me grimace in pain, and she looked like she was going to say something to him, but I waived her off. He needed this, and I’ve hurt a lot worse than this. I just returned the hug as he cried and crushed me, as I kept consoling him telling him it would be okay.

This continued for several minutes until there was a knock at the door. Brett quickly let go and jumped into the bathroom as my Mom opened the door and came in. She asked, “Is everything okay in here?” Sam and I nodded, both of us were probably close to crying ourselves. I’m surprised though I held it together as well as I did. With the way Mom was staring at us, I’m sure she knew something was up, but thankfully she didn’t ask.

A few minutes later, after he had rinsed off his face, Brett came out of the bathroom. His eyes were still slightly puffy and red, but he had a smile plastered on his face. It almost reached his eyes, but not quite. He asked, “Sam you were going to ride home with them, right?” She nodded, so he continued, “Well I need to get out of here, Mom was going to be needing some help around the house so… Mrs. Taylor… Like I said, you have an amazing son…”

Mom smiled, but concern was clearly on her face as she told him, “I know I do… Thank you though…”

I stepped up to him and asked, “You okay?”

He shook his head, “No… I think I’m better though…”

I nod and tell him, “I totally get that… I don’t know if I’m ever going to be truly okay with this… I’m striving for better though… I can live with better…” I hold up my hand for a fist bump with him, he started to return it but at the last second, he leaned down and gave me a hug.

He whispered, “Dude, even though you aren’t tall… You’re still the biggest man I know Jordan…” He then nodded to everyone and said, “Mrs. Taylor it was a pleasure, and Sam? See ya later.” He was then out the door.

I was staring at the door and thinking about what all had just happened when Sam came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me. She whispered in my ear, “I heard what he told you… He’s right Jordan, you are.”

I turned to look at mom and I could see that she had probably a million or so questions about what just happened. Thankfully before she could ask, I asked her, “So are we ready to blow this joint or what?”

Sam giggled, and Mom smiled at me and nodded. She said, “Well let’s see what we have to do to get out of here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several hours later I had been napping on the couch when Sam woke me up. She had ridden home with us from the hospital and by the time we had gotten home I had been exhausted. She went home to change out of her church clothes and grab a few movies while I rested. She had brought three more movies from her Marvel collection trying to get me caught up to speed in the whole Marvel Movie Universe. We had popped some popcorn and gotten drinks and had already put in the DVD and it was waiting at the title screen.

We were trying to get comfortable on the couch and due to me being so much shorter than her it was a bit difficult. Finally, she put some throw pillows against the armrest and told me, “Look just turn sideways and lean against the pillows.” She then sat between my legs and tried to get herself positioned, so her head was resting on my chest, carefully between my boobs.

It took several tries for her to find the right spot and I tried to joke with her, “With you being so much taller maybe I should be the one laying on you.”

She sat up and turned to face me, “I don’t think so Mister. Isn’t it supposed to be the girl that leans against her BOYfriend?”

She then smiled softly at me, and I got exactly what she was trying to do. As long as I was going to hold out that I was still a boy, she was going to try to reinforce to me that I was still the guy in the relationship. I felt my heart jump into my throat, this honestly made me love her even more. It was in that moment that I realized, I was already in love with Sam. She was my best friend, no matter what. She was going to stick by me no matter how much I changed, and I was going to stick by her as long as she would let me.

I swallowed hard and tried to tell her how I felt, I stumbled, “Sam… I just want you to know how much… I mean I think I… No wait… I know that I…”

She smiled and interrupted me, “I know…” She then leaned in and gave me a soft kiss, then she leaned back slightly and whispered, “Me too…”

I asked, “Really?”

She nodded and then gently leaned back in for a kiss, this one was a bit longer than the last one. I felt… I don’t know, but I felt more from it… Right before she drew back I felt her tongue lightly dance across my lips before she broke the kiss. I felt a slight shudder run through my body, she then smirked and asked, “Jordan… Can I ask you something?”

I nodded, “Sure anything…”

She then giggled, “Will you shut up, so we can start the movie?”

Her smile and the light in her eyes as she teased me made my heart flutter, I softly said as I nodded and returned her smile, “K.”

She quickly turned back around and gently rested her head on my chest, she grabbed the remote, and held up a bag and asked, “Popcorn?”

I nodded as I gently brushed her hair away from her face with one hand, leaned down and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. As I reached into the bag to get a handful of popcorn she hit play…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 13

---

---

Author's Note:Well seems my muse really got on a roll again. Thank God. I want to thank you all so much for following.{hugs}-~Rebecca

I had found myself awake early this morning, it had been three days since I had been released from the hospital after my stupid mistake. Most of what I had been doing the last few days had been lying around, resting, and doing schoolwork. My last day of suspension had been on Monday, but the doctors had held me out Tuesday as well, something about giving me one more day to recover. With all the naps I have taken, I just couldn’t sleep anymore. With a few hours to kill until I had to leave for school I kept finding my mind drifting back to the last few days.

I had to smile a bit thinking how odd my life had become, but at the same time I honestly didn’t feel that it was odd in a bad way, it was just different. My best friend in the entire world was now my girlfriend, but she had always been my friend, it was just back when she was a he and we played baseball and soccer together. My new close friend is a senior, who also is the star quarterback on the high school’s football team, who just happens to feel like he is a girl. Then there is me and all the weird excitement that has been my life for the last several years. Like I said, odd…

I’ve realized that I’m sort of in between the two of them. While yes, I’m transitioning, like Sam wants to do, I’m also a lot like Brett as I want to stay who I am… Or at least who I think I am. That is the kicker though, who exactly am I? I’ve started thinking about how I am so quick to come to someone’s defense and how typically that might be considered a more masculine kind of trait. I feel like a protector, but that isn’t necessarily masculine either, if you’ve ever seen a mother coming to the defense of their child that becomes obvious. Was that why I’m like I am? Is it a mothering type instinct or is it my masculine side coming out?

I also thought about how I consoled Brett when he had his breakdown at the hospital, and how that reminded me of something that Mom would do. Was the way I consoled him solely because of the hormones I’ve been taking? Or was it something else? Would I have done that before? I honestly think I would have. Brett was suffering from guilt, well mostly guilt along with his dysphoria, but it was mostly guilt. I truly understood guilt, I have had my share of it over the last few years. Seeing how my parents constantly worried and cried over my and my illness. I couldn’t help but feel that it was my fault, even though I knew logically that I had no say in the matter. I still felt it though, quite often actually. Now the guilt is because I’m struggling to accept my situation. Because when I struggle it causes my parents to worry even more… That’s all on me. I know that. I realized I’d have still tried to help him, even before I started my meds. Actually, I knew I would, without a doubt in my mind.

I’d been asking myself these things for the last two days. Something Brett had said when he came over on Monday had caused me to do a lot of soul searching. With Monday being our last day of suspension from the fight, he had gotten bored and came over here to hang out with me. With him being three grades ahead of me and Sam, he really didn’t ever know me from before. He had only heard from other people who had known me. I guess in a way he was trying to strengthen our budding friendship, I guess in a non-trans way. As far as I was concerned, he saved my ass and Sam’s from Clint. He was going to be a lifelong friend to me already.

I was pretty relieved when he showed up, I had been worrying about him and what he was going through. I saw through his fake smile as he left the hospital, after all I think I could have patented that one when I had been so sick. He stayed over here for a couple of hours, and until the last part of his visit we didn’t even discuss anything trans related. He even got me off the couch to toss the football around for a bit. That was actually pretty cool of him to do, I was so sick of sitting still it wasn’t funny. Even though football had never been my game, at least since first and second grade, I was glad for the distraction. While I had still been fast and agile back then, I would have made a great running back or even a receiver, I was always the last to be picked for teams because of my size… Being second string never sat well with me, I mean I wanted to play so I ended up dropping it and focused on baseball and soccer instead.

When I had finally worn myself out throwing the ball with him, I think it might have taken me forty minutes, we did sit down and have a conversation about our individual issues. He told me he really didn’t want to transition to be a girl. He didn’t really give me any reasons why, other than he thought he’d make an ugly girl, he tried to laugh at that like it was a joke. That caused me to take a better look at him, and while yes, he was huge, six-foot-two or three and close to two hundred and thirty pounds of solid muscle, other than that… Brett was actually what I would consider a pretty boy. He kind of had this surfer look with the longish wavy blonde hair, a fair complexion with an androgynous face, and piercing blue eyes. While his adams apple was noticeable it wasn’t very prominent. I felt that there was more to it than just being worried about his appearance.

I tried to tell him that it wouldn’t look as bad as he thought, especially if he started hormones. He just brushed it off and as he left was when he said the phrase that got me to thinking. He told me wouldn’t it be cool if we could have swapped… That way I could have been the strong big sports god, and he could have been the small petite person forced to take female hormones… I kinda laughed about it when he left… I couldn’t get it out of my head though.

At first, I thought yeah that would have been cool, being able to be big and strong and basically play any sport I wanted. Then I thought that for that to happen I would have to also swap my mutated gene problem and all that entailed. The years of wasting away, the puking until my throat bled… I realized that I wouldn’t ever trade this with anyone… I wouldn’t even swap with Clint with him being the asshole he is, I’d never wish this on anyone else. I then accepted that my illness was exactly that, it was mine, nobody else’s. Finally claiming my illness as mine, and not just accepting it, is what got my mind to running its marathon thinking session that I’ve been having. I’m pretty sure that was the reason I wasn’t freaking out this morning like I had done just a few weeks ago.

While I was standing there in my underwear looking in the mirror this morning, I couldn’t help but see that I already looked like a girl. A fairly cute girl at that. If I got a decent haircut and maybe thinned my eyebrows and with makeup I would probably even be pretty… That thought didn’t cause the panic that it did a month ago, it was just… It still didn’t feel right to me. I still didn’t feel like a girl, although I probably don’t have a clue what being a girl felt like, it just didn’t feel right to me. It would feel so wrong to me to start telling people that I’m a girl when I truly didn’t feel that way…

I also knew that I was going to have to work out my feelings towards this sooner rather than later. Due to my stupid mistake, plus how I would sometimes forget to take my estradiol pills, they inserted an estradiol pellet in my left ass cheek while I was in the hospital. With the constant flow of estrogen in my system they also modified my protein sludge I’m supposed to drink every day. For one thing they removed the T-blocker that was in it, the pellet should counter whatever testosterone my adrenal gland is producing, the other thing they changed both excited and truly terrified me.

My doctors weren’t happy with my overall muscle gain since my procedure. While I definitely had a more female shape to me, as I’ve said I am still really thin. I don’t know exactly what it is, but they told me they were going to try an HGH derivative with my shake. Along with the possibility that it should help me regrow some muscle, they also said there was a good chance that it might help me grow a little taller. I jumped at that chance, then they pulled the rug out from under me. Taking the new shake would probably accelerate my female puberty as well. I was really torn for a few minutes, but once I realized I was going to grow boobs one way or the other, the chance of gaining inches in height was easily worth the risk. I started drinking it yesterday, and other than the chalky aftertaste, which is nasty, at least they somehow made it taste a bit better while it was going down. Unfortunately, the consistency is still a grainy sludge… Lucky me, right?

Due to one other side effect, my parents, doctors and I have already decided to split the shake in half and take the half twice a day, especially after what happened yesterday. The old shake had always made me a bit jittery for a while, the new one… Oh my God… I was so wired within an hour of drinking it… After another hour of being around my parents they left and went to their bedroom to escape from my constant rambling… Sam on the other hand, couldn’t stop laughing at me. I had to steal her phone from her, just so she’d quit filming me for ‘posterity’. I tried to be mad at her, but had the roles been reversed… I’d have been doing the same thing… My mind didn’t slow down enough for me to fall asleep until after midnight, and even then, I woke up at four this morning bouncing with energy.

That’s why at five thirty I was already showered, hair dried, and had been checking myself out in the mirror for the last half hour. As I said, this wasn’t freaking me out anymore, but I still haven’t made the connection that the reflection was ‘me’… With a sigh I finally gave up and slipped on my jeans, of course they were my new female jeans and not my old ones. Mom had already gotten rid of those since I couldn’t fit into them anymore with my hips and ass. At least she had bought me some bigger generic tee-shirts made out of some heavier cotton to ensure my sports bras wouldn’t be as obvious. Out of habit I first tucked the shirt in, but with the way it showed off my shape down below my waist, I quickly untucked it. Seeing my body better camouflaged with clothing, I slipped my shoes on and headed downstairs. I’m slowly getting to be okay with the way my body is starting to look, being okay simply meaning that I’m not having a panic attack and hyperventilating about it anymore. I’m just not ready for the world to see it yet.

I was going over all the school work I had done since being expelled, plus the extra day I had to take off from doctor’s orders, when my parents came down to start breakfast.

Dad asked, “Jordan? How long have you been up?”

“A little over two hours I think… I couldn’t sleep anymore.”, I told him.

Mom frowned, “That’s not enough sleep. Was it because of your supplement?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know if it was that or the fact I haven’t been able to do anything but sit around the house for the last several days… Sitting still sucks.”

Dad chuckled, “Yeah you couldn’t ever sit still since you were a toddler… Too much nervous energy even back then.”

Mom asked Dad, “Should we give him the half a supplement this morning like they suggested? If he was up this early he might could skip it.”

Dad shook his head, “I don’t know… He might run out of steam before he gets home… Why don’t we leave it up to him? Jordan what do you think?”

I answered, “I’m okay having it… I don’t feel wired or anything right now, just wide awake. Better safe than sorry thought, I probably should drink it.”

Mom sighed, “Well I guess I better write you a letter if you get like you did last night… Just hope they don’t ask you any questions in class…”

Dad almost snorted his coffee at that moment. I whined, “I wasn’t that bad!”

Mom then pulled her phone out and played a video showing me rambling on ninety to nothing and talking so fast I almost couldn’t understand myself. She asked, “You were saying?”

I blushed in embarrassment, “Did Sam text you that one?”

She laughed, “No she didn’t. That was one I videoed. I didn’t think you’d believe me otherwise. Honey don’t be embarrassed. It was really cute… For like the first fifteen minutes… Maybe I can use this as blackmail to make sure you behave.”

I fussed, “Mom! That’s so not cool. Dad! Make her delete it.”

Dad by this time was hiding behind the morning news on his tablet, without looking up he said, “Huh what was that? I wasn’t paying attention.” He didn’t look up, obvious he was siding with mom.

Mom was grinning with her victory, so I told her, “Fine I won’t take the morning shot of it.”

She grinned, “Well I’m sure your teachers will be thankful.”

I mused, “Guess I’ll just drink a whole one when I get home then… They did say I needed to drink all of it in one day…”

Mom shook her head, “On that thought, I’ll make it for you.” She then got the package for today and using a knife cut the block in half and stuck it in the blender with the milk. I just sat there grinning, after all two could play at this game. She was in the middle of blending my slime when the doorbell dinged.

I hopped up and ran to the door, and as soon as I opened it Sam stepped in and gave me a quick kiss before I had time to even greet her. When she stepped back with her mischievous grin I told her, “Wow… You’re early.”

She kept grinning, “I hope you don’t mind.”

I shook my head, “Not at all… Just glad I was the one to open the door and not either of my parents…”

She giggled loudly and even snorted a couple of times, which only caused me to giggle along with her. Without the snorts of course. When she caught her breath she told me, “Yeah that could have been awkward…”

We were both still laughing when we walked into the kitchen holding hands, Mom asked, “What’s gotten into you two this early in the morning… Or do I even want to know…”

I laughed as I was sitting down, “Probably not Mom.” She smirked at me as if she knew exactly what had gotten into us as she sat my drink down in front of me.

Sam was eyeing my drink with concern and asked, “Is that going to be a good idea? You do remember last night…”

Dad laughed behind his tablet but otherwise kept out of the conversation, it was Mom who answered, “Well we suggested he skip this mornings, so he threated to drink a whole one this evening…”

Sam nodded knowingly and asked, “So you chickened out and you’re going to let the teachers deal with Mr. Talkative here…”

Mom laughed, “Pretty much… Can you blame us?”

Sam laughed hard enough to snort again, which I couldn’t help but to laugh along with her. As I lifted the drink to my lips I said, “You both know I’m right here, don’t you?” I then killed the slime and watched Sam shudder as it went down.

Dad softly stated behind his tablet, “Better the school than us…” To which set us all laughing again.

Thankfully breakfast was already ready as I was chugging the shake, which was great considering I needed something to ward off the after yuck flavor in my mouth. Mom even prepared a plate for Sam, and we all enjoyed breakfast.

Sam filled my parents in on how people were looking forward for me to return. It seems most had heard about my hospital visit, and several were concerned. What surprised me was hearing how a large amount of people were looking forward for me to come back due to how I stood up to Clint. I hadn’t expected that especially since I only stood up to him to get him off of Sam. I knew that most of the student body hadn’t been mean to her, but they still had kept their distance.

Sam also told me how the softball team had been bragging to everyone about her and how she was going to help them win state this year. While there were still several people who were rude to her, mostly people were slowly coming around. I couldn’t help but smile about that. I thought it was strange how she kept telling me how strong I was, but she was the one that was openly enduring how people looked at her, and ignored her… I just wish she knew how strong she really was.

We visited while we had breakfast and as I got my things ready for school. As Sam and I were leaving she asked if I needed her to take my backpack after everything. I thought about it and it was my bravado speaking when I told her I was okay. I actually was okay, I felt really good. The drink had had enough time to kick in but I didn’t feel exactly hyper just that I felt like my body was charged. She didn’t even argue with me about it this time, she just gently told me okay as she leaned in to give me a kiss before we started our walk.

We were about a third of the way walking hand in hand, when she told me, “You know, you’re really looking good. I mean you’ve always been cute and good looking, but its more than that. I’ve noticed it the last couple of days.”

“Really?”, I asked. I then thought about how I’ve made more forward progression in the last few days than I had in the last five months. I told her, “I’ve come a lot closer to accepting what’s happening to me… I mean truly accepting it, and not just knowing it… If that makes sense.”

She nodded, “You do seem a bit more relaxed and confident. It looks good on you.” She then leaned over in mid stride and pecked me on the cheek. She then asked, “So have you decided what you’re going to do?”

I shook my head and laughed, “No not yet, I’m not that far, but I’m getting closer.”

She nodded, “I get that… Just whenever you do decide… I’ll still be here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know Sam. I mean like I really know.”, I said, as I took the initiative to return the kiss to her cheek. Even if I had to stand on my toes to do so. She smiled at me an blushed.

We walked for a few more minutes when she stopped and turned to me, “Guess we better do this before we get around the corner so people cant see us.” She then bent over and kissed me, nothing very passionate, but still it made my body tingle. After we broke the kiss she let go of my hand and we started to walk the last block and a half to school.

That got me started to think about the rules about PDA at school, no kissing and stuff like that. We’re supposedly not even supposed to hold hands but every couple does and nothing is ever said to them. At least the straight couples do, I’ve yet to see any gay or lesbian couples holding hands on school grounds. That double standard was wrong, and I mean totally wrong and it pissed me off. I stopped us right before we were getting ready to cross the street, even though we were in plain view of everyone we were still technically not on school grounds.

Sam looked at me and asked, “Is everything okay?”

I told her, “I think so… Sam… You’re not embarrassed of me or anything are you?”

She shook her head, “Not at all Jordie… Do you think I am?”

I smiled at her and told her, “No I don’t think you are… I just needed to make sure though.”

She looked confused as she asked, “Okay… Why?”

I then reached up and caressed her cheek and pulled her gently down and kissed her in plain view of everyone, both students and teachers. I felt the hundred pairs of eyes on us, and honestly I felt good not hiding our relationship. As we broke our kiss I smiled at Sam and she smiled back at me slightly blushing. I then stuck my hand out for her to grasp.”

“Jordan… Aren’t you worried that everyone saw that?”, she asked.

I shook my head, “Not at all Sam. I’m glad they did.”

She smiled and gently took my offered hand, she asked, “So you aren’t worried what people might say?”

I shook my head, “The people that would say anything already have Sam… If they want to say anything else… Fuck em… I don’t care.” I then gently pulled her on the crosswalk to start what was going to be a really interesting day.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 14

---

---

Author's Note:Things in my life seem to be settling down some, just still busy. Hopefully this chapter won't be causing any tears, it should be a bit easier on the kleenex usage. You will start to see just a bit of the tenacity that is put into the small package that is Jordan. I hope you all enjoy.{hugs}-~Rebecca

As we crossed the crosswalk I saw almost everyone was staring at us by now, I just smiled as we passed them. Thankfully I didn’t hear anyone laughing, but maybe they were too stunned to do anything but stare. I thought it was funny, until I saw one of the older teachers standing near the front of the school staring at us. I didn’t know who she was, but from her expression she didn’t appear to be very happy. I softly sighed and thought here we go. This is what I had been expecting, so as we kept walking I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone, hitting the video record button as I pulled it out and tried to hold it nonchalantly pointing it at her.

Yeah, I had actually prepared for this ever since we became ‘official’ Sunday night laying there on the couch. Being out of school Monday and Tuesday had left me with a lot of time to think of all the what if’s. I knew up front that I didn’t want to hide our relationship, as I had already figured out I loved her. I know I was only fourteen, at least for a couple of more months, and most probably wouldn’t think that I knew what love is. I would have to argue that though, with my experiences and being so close to death, one might say I don’t know what love is, but I do know exactly what is important. Sam is one of the most important parts of my life, and I do truly love her. With the school’s rule about PDA, even holding hands which isn’t enforced, and how Shelly doesn’t feel comfortable holding her girlfriends hand, I knew they might say something to Sam and me. I didn’t want to hide my feelings for Sam from anyone…

So yeah, I had thought about what could happen, for one I was bored and had entirely too much time on my hands. That and I am a serious over thinker, with an extremely active imagination. I think my overactive imagination is probably one of the things that helped me survive as well as I did. When things were at their worst I could always escape the pain and hurt through my imagination. While I probably thought of some completely far-fetched ideas that would never happen, this was something I expected. Of course, the school hiring ninjas to break up any student PDA would be kind cool in a weird way, but I highly doubt that would happen. Like I said, overactive imagination, so sue me. I had watched two couples walk by the teacher holding hands and she didn’t bat an eye. As soon as she saw Sam and me, I saw her frown deepen… I was ready for this and I was ready for her.

As we got closer she called out frowning at Sam, “Miss Wilkins both of you should know better than to hold hands on school grounds.”

Sam quickly let go of my hand and sheepishly told her, “I’m sorry Mrs. Benson…”

“As you should be Miss Wilkins! Don’t let me catch you again. You of all people should know that you can’t do that here.”, she said with a hint of venom in her voice.

Sam whispered, “C’mon Jordie.”

I shook my head as I watched another couple walk past her holding hands, I then asked, “Mrs. Benson? Why didn’t you say anything to them? Or the two other couples that walked past you before us? Why didn’t you say anything to them about holding hands?”

She turned and glared at me, “Don’t you tell me how to do my job Miss… What’s your name?”

I grimaced at that, she thought I was a girl. I told her, “It’s Mr. My name is Jordan Taylor ma’am, and I wasn’t telling you how to do your job. I was simply asking why you ignored them but singled us out. That doesn’t seem very fair to me?”

She looked confused for a quick moment, but then a spark of recognition appeared on her face. She said, “Oh you’re the one we were told about at the beginning of school… Not that it’s any of your business but I didn’t see any one else holding hands.”

Sam looked worried, but I asked her again since I was filming this. “Mrs. Benson that’s not accurate, I saw you look at them and smile. I know you saw them. Why did you single us out?”

Mrs. Benson looked flustered, and a bit angry being questioned, she snapped, “That’s it young man, for arguing and being rude you can expect a call to the principal’s office as soon as I get back inside.”

I smiled at her, “Yes ma’am I’m actually okay with that. I’m sorry if you thought I was rude, I was only trying to ask a question. You have a nice day ma’am.”

I then started to walk away, but as soon as the teacher turned back around I did too and continued filming for a minute or two. I stopped as the third couple walked past her holding hands and she didn’t say a damn thing to them. Sam asked me as we started inside, “Jordan what are you doing? You’re going to get us in trouble.”

I shook my head, “I might get me in trouble, I highly doubt it though, but you didn’t do anything wrong Sam. She can’t single us out like that. It’s wrong and its discrimination. I can’t let her get away with it.”

She put her hand on my arm and told me, “Just be careful okay…”

I grinned, “That’s what the video is far… Do you know your Mom’s email?” She nodded, so I handed her my phone and told her, “Here type it in.” She did and handed my phone back, so I emailed the video to both of our Mom’s just in case something happened to my phone. As I said I had thought a lot of what if’s.

A few moments later we arrived at Sam’s locker and found a few of the softball team there waiting, Shelly told us while grinning, “That was pretty bold you two.”

At our confused expressions, Shelly held out her phone and showed us a picture of us sharing our kiss across the street. Sam exclaimed, “That was less than ten minutes ago! How do you have that?”

Shelly laughed and told us, “The power of social media girlfriend, that picture was probably flying around the school less than two minutes from the time you kissed.” Shelly then came over and gave me a hug, and told me, “I’m so glad to see you back, the whole team was worried about you.” She then whispered into my ear, “Like I said, that was fucking bold Jord. You’re pretty awesome.”

We then told her about the run in with Mrs. Benson and what I was doing to protect myself. Shelly asked me to send her the video, so I did, the other girls all gave both of us a hug and each one told me how thankful they were to see me as well.

As the video was sending, I told Shelly and the team, “I don’t want you all to get involved right now, at least unless you have to okay?

Shelly looked perturbed at me and asked, “Why not? This affects all of us.”

I told her calmly, “I know it does Shelly, but most of you are seniors. This is your last year at the school. If there is any blow back, I don’t want it to hurt the team or hurt any chances you might have for college.”

She fussed at me, “But you think its okay to risk yourself? Don’t start that masculine bullshit with us Jordan. We don’t need you to fight our battles for us.”

This wasn’t going as I had planned, I held my hands up and said, “Whoa, wait a minute Shelly, let me explain… I’m not doing this for any other reason than it needs to be done. I have no plans on sacrificing myself either. Look, I have a pretty good relationship with Mr. Miller, let me get called to his office and talk with him… If there is any blow back do you really think they’d go after me? Remember I’m the kid that almost died, and essentially came back from the dead. I’ll be okay no matter what happens.” About that moment her phone dinged, letting her know she had an incoming text. The video must have finished downloading.

Shelly opened her phone and watched the video. When she was done she looked at me like she was trying to figure me out and asked, “Are you sure you want to fight this Jordan? Without help?”

I told her, “Yes I’m positive Shelly. I didn’t say I didn’t want help, I want you all ready in case I need you. Let me have the talk with Mr. Miller and we’ll see what we want to do if he shoots me down. Hopefully he’ll see my point and we can do something as simple as holding hands. I’m not doing this for just me and Sam either, but all of us, lesbian and gay’s too. If this goes south, make that video viral.”

Shelly look surprised ask she asked, “You’re fighting for us too? Why risk yourself for all of us Jordan?”

I told her, “For one thing, you’re all my friends. I will always stand up for my friends Shelly, you should know that by now. Second… What they’re doing is wrong, just plain and simple wrong. Bottom line is that the holding hands thing might not seem like a lot, it’s still a fight that needs to be fought.”

For a moment she looked like she was about to cry, but instead she quickly came up and hugged me tight. She told me, “You know if neither of us had girlfriends I think I could probably try and go straight for you. You’re that amazing Jordan.” She then kissed me on the cheek as she let go of me.

Sam laughed and told Shelly, “Sorry, but I’m not gonna let him go Shell.”

Shelly giggled and told her, “I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t either Sam.”

It was close enough to the bell so we all began to separate to go to our home rooms, with this being an ‘A’ day it would be the last time I really saw Sam until the last class of the day. I looked around and didn’t see any teachers, plus the softball girls were surrounding us, so I leaned up and gave Sam a quick peck on the lips, “See ya this afternoon?” She just nodded and smiled at me while all the girls had an ‘awwww’ moment.

I arrived at my homeroom with a few minutes to spare, thankfully other than receiving a few stares no one harassed me along the way. It was pretty obvious from the whispering and the way people were looking at me that the picture of our kiss had made the rounds of the whole school. I had to laugh slightly, if this was the highlight of their day they really needed to get a life.

Rick and Teddy walked in shortly after I had sat down, they looked like they were in a fairly deep discussion, when they broke apart Rick gave me a slight head nod and Teddy came and sat down without a word. I sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes, aware of all the looks that were coming my way. I wasn’t bothered by all the people staring, I honestly hoped they got a good look. I had nothing to hide, at least about my relationship with Sam. Something else was bothering me though, and I felt that I needed to try to make it right, or at least as right as I could.

I looked over at Teddy and told him, “Teddy… Look man, I want to say I’m sorry for what I said the other day… I was angry, and I was wrong.”

He muttered, “Whatever…”

I could tell he was still mad, which I didn’t blame him for. I told him, “Well for whatever it’s worth, I really am sorry…”

After a moment he asked, “So you and Sam? You two are what? Dating?”

Hesitantly I asked, “Yeah we are… What about it?”

He sat there for a moment and then softly asked, “So are you gay?”

I started to get mad but realized he truly didn’t understand. I told him, “I don’t think so… Teddy, to me Sam is a girl.”

He still wouldn’t look at me, but he shrugged his shoulders and muttered, “Whatever… If you say so…”

I was about to say something else when the intercom buzzed, *Coach could you send Jordan Taylor to Mr. Millers office ASAP.” Most of the classroom started laughing softly as I picked up my backpack. I had been waiting for this, I guess I pissed off Mrs. Benson enough she reported me. As I got up to leave most everyone was snickering, but I made eye contact with Rick and he was staring at me like he was worried. I smiled back at him and gave him a head nod before I walked out of the classroom.

Walking through the hallways towards whatever fate I had set in motion for myself, I started reconsidering what I was doing, or at least the reasons why I was doing it at least. I wasn’t worried too much about getting myself into trouble, after all I was trying to keep all my bases covered. I didn’t want Sam or any other people getting into trouble because of me. I know the holding hands issue was ultimately not very major, but it had bothered me the first time I realized that Shelly and Rachel wouldn’t or couldn’t do it at school. While a minor issue, I also felt that if minor issues left unchecked would start causing bigger and bigger problems. I hadn’t really understood how Shelly and Rachel felt until I witnessed how Mrs. Benson blatantly singled Sam and me out, now I was pissed off.

I was only slightly worried about what might happen as I walked to the office, even though I had already thought this through being sent to the office was never ‘fun’. I just hoped that my Mom wouldn’t have to get involved, if it came to that I know she would, but I still didn’t want it to go that far. No sooner did I enter the office the lady behind the desk told me I was expected and to head straight to Mr. Millers office. I thanked her and found his door already open, but I still knocked on the door frame and said, “Good Morning sir, you wanted to see me?”

He looked up and sighed, “Yes Mr. Taylor… Could you close the door and take a seat?”

I smiled at him, “Sure thing Mr. Miller.” As I sat down, I asked, “So what did you need to see me about?”

He took a long look at me before he said, “Did you have a confrontation with a teacher this morning?”

I shook my head and told him, “Not really a confrontation sir, I saw Mrs. Benson this morning as she singled out me and Sam for a supposed PDA violation.”

He nodded, “Yes, you do know kissing is a direct violation, it can carry detention or a heavier punishment for multiple violations.”

I smiled, “Well sir, I’m glad we weren’t on school grounds when we kissed then. She was fussing at us for holding hands, yet several students passed her doing the exact same and she never said anything to them.”

He frowned at me, “Jordan that’s not what was reported to me.” He pulled out a piece of paper and read from it, “I was correcting Miss Wilkins for inappropriate display of affection, kissing another student, when a Mr. Jordan Taylor tried to intervene and was both argumentative and belligerent with me. I remained calm and tried to talk sense into the young man, but he refused to cooperate and continued using inappropriate language with me.”

I probably shouldn’t have, but I laughed. Mr. Miller frown deepened, “Jordan I don’t find anything about this situation humorous. It’s my discretion, but you can be suspended again if Mrs. Benson presses this. You need to formally apologize to her and try to make this right.”

I regained my composure and told him, “Sir I know that sounds horrible, but that’s not what happened. It’s not even close. I’m not going to apologize for what I didn’t do.” It took a considerable amount of control to keep myself from showing anger for her lying to get me into trouble.

He stared at me for a moment, I assumed to wonder why I wasn’t scared. He asked, “Jordan… What happened then if that’s not the case?”

I told him, “Sir, I did give Sam a kiss, but it was across the street and not on school grounds. I was holding her hand as we crossed the street and was walking towards the front of the building when Mrs. Benson stopped us and singled us out and was rude to Sam.”

Mr. Miller told me, “Well technically holding hands is still inappropriate affection Jordan.”

I nodded, “I know that sir, but that’s a rule that no one has enforced since I’ve been here. Couples hold hands regularly, at least straight couples, and nothing is ever said to them, just like this morning with Mrs. Benson. Several students walked by her and she didn’t say anything to them, but she was rude with Sam, telling her that she, of all people, should know better… I asked her politely why she singled out Sam, and then not say anything to anyone else. She then got mad and threatened me…. So here we are…”

He leaned back in his chair and thought for a moment and then told me, “Son that’s a serious accusation against a teacher that’s been here for over thirty years… Do you have witnesses?”

I told him, “Yes sir, Sam was there and witnessed everything.”

He stated, “She’s part of this Jordan, it would still be two students words against a respected teacher…”

Now I was getting upset, he basically was accusing me and Sam of being untrustworthy simply because of our age. I told him, “Just because we’re students doesn’t make us liars sir.”

He sighed and stated, “So you’re accusing Mrs. Miller, a senior teacher with no blemishes on her record, of lying to get you and Samantha in trouble?”

I nodded and asked, “Can I email you my proof?” He nodded and handed me his business card. To which I quickly typed in his email address and forwarded the video to him. While we waited I told him, “Oh, and before you ask, this video has already been emailed to both Sam’s and my parents.”

He frowned, “Jordan do you really think getting your parents involved is the best idea?”

I nodded, “I’m not trying to get them involved, just informed. If they need to get involved I’d rather they know before you might have to call them though.”

He sighed and asked me, “Jordan why are you pushing this so hard?”

I told him, “Honestly because someone needed to. What happened wasn’t fair to Sam, or myself. It’s also not fair to any of the LGBT students and frankly it’s just not right, especially how this school supposedly prides itself on being so ‘inclusive’.” I even held up the air quotes for that.

He asked, “Why do you feel that it has to be you? Shouldn’t you have a lot more students helping you with this?”

I shrugged, “Several people wanted to, but I told them to wait and see what happens today… If today went badly I didn’t want to risk anyone else getting in trouble when I’m the one who started this… Look… Mr. Miller, you already know me well enough that I’m going to do everything I can to stick up for others, no matter what.”

He told me, “Yeah from how you stood up to Clint, and also from what I’ve heard talking to Coach Reeves… Jordan why do you think it has to be you? Son, I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

I say, “Why me? With my size bullies have always tried to single me out, I make a good target for them… I know exactly how it feels to be bullied. I was always able to shrug it off, but I know others can’t or don’t know how to do that… Someone treating someone else like crap just because they think they’re different just pisses me off… I can’t stand a bully sir, and I just can’t look the other way…”

He sighed, “Even when you think it’s a teacher being a bully?”

I stared at him defiantly and blurted out, “Especially when it’s a teacher… You all should know better than anyone…”

About that time his computer made a sound, and he turned to look at the screen. A moment later I heard the video start to play as he watched it closely. I winced when I heard her call me miss, I had already tried to forget that gem. Once the video was over Mr. Miller just sat there staring at the screen in deep thought. After a few long moments I decided to press my luck.

I asked him, “Did it sound to you like I was rude?”

He shook his head, “No it didn’t.”

I said, “Did it sound to you like she singled out Sam? Or that comment that ‘you of all people should know better’. That sounds directly like bullying to me…”

He nodded, “I don’t know what to say Jordan…”

I continue, “Why did she single out Sam? Was it because she is trans? Or was it because she thought I was a girl and we were a lesbian couple?”

“Jordan, I don’t know…”, he told me, sounding slightly deflated.

We sat there, him staring at the video screen as the video was playing again, and I was staring intently at him. Once the video finished the second time I gave him a few moments before I asked, “So how much trouble am I going to be in?” He just stared at me for a long moment, so I added, “Mr. Miller if you think I need to be punished that’s fine and I’ll accept whatever it is, but…”

He stated, “But? Are you giving me ultimatums Mr. Taylor?”

I shook my head, “No sir, I’m not trying to… As I was saying I’ll gladly accept any punishment you decide for holding hands with my girlfriend, but you better hold that same punishment for ANYONE caught holding hands… There was twelve students in that video alone… If I’m punished and no one else is, then Mr. Miller is when I’ll get my parents involved… All I want is for it to be fair, for all students.”

He slowly nodded and sighed, “That would impact a lot of students…”

I nodded and gulped silently, this was the risk of what I had planned. I could either become the ‘hero’ to the LGBT students, or the one the entire student body was going to hate. I hoped that it would be the former, but as I said this was a gamble. I softly said, “I know… You can either start punishing probably half of the student body, or let an old rule about something as insignificant as holding hands slide like you all have been already… Just let it slide for all of us, and I mean ALL of us…”

He sat there staring at me for a long moment, then he told me, “Okay Jordan… I’ve got a lot to consider right now… Go ahead and get to class, and I’ll make sure you have a pass, so you’re not marked tardy.”

As I stood up I asked, “So what are you going to do? Am I in trouble?”

He shook his head, “From the video I don’t see any reason to punish you… I’ll be talking to Mrs. Benson later on today during her free period… I can’t say anything else until then…”

I nodded and told him, “Yes sir.”

Before I could open the door, he asked, “Jordan… You know this could bring a lot of unwanted attention to you… I don’t want to see any of my students get hurt… I just don’t want you putting yourself in any danger. I’ll do everything I can to protect my students here, but outside of school… You know how kids can be Jordan, so why do this?”

I shrugged and told him, “Trust me, I know how people can be sir… I’ve read a lot since I was diagnosed so I could see what I might look forward to… Now that I’ve reconnected with Sam, and met some LGBT kids… I just can’t not get involved… Mr. Miller… I might not ever like what I see in the mirror with all my changes… I still respect who I see though… I don’t want that to ever change…”

He nodded, “Jordan just be careful okay…”

I responded, “I’ll try sir…”

I then stepped out of his office and closed the door and leaned against the wall. I took a deep breath and realized that I was shaking, I held up my hands to see how badly they were trembling. That had never happened to me before, it was like my nerves were in overdrive. Every other confrontation I had ever had my nerves were always rock steady, and it never bothered me like this.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and try to think what was so different this time when it hit me. Every time before today when I had stood up to a bully it only affected myself or one other kid… Today I realized what I was doing was going to affect Sam, Shelly and Rachel, but it also was going to affect so many other kids who I had never met. I had learned so much more about those people today, so much more than I could read and learn about. I got to experience just a tiny bit of the inequality that they have to deal with every day… Even though most would consider the whole holding hands bullshit something petty and insignificant, I had to disagree. Most wars aren’t won by one huge battle, but by many more smaller fights…

Was I really wanting to start this fight for all these other kids? While yes, I wanted everyone to be treated equally, I didn’t think it was just that. I don’t even think that I was doing it specifically for Shelly and Rachel… I smiled as I realized my biggest reason for this. I knew that I would never get to experience what I might have considered ‘normal’ ever again, and the way most of the world considers transgender people, that Sam would probably never get that either… Something simple as this though… Her being able to openly hold her boyfriend’s hand in public… That was definitely worth fighting for…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 15

---

---

Author's Note:Well I finally was able to finish this chapter, its a bit longer than most thankfully. The last couple of months, as if I wasn't dealing with enough, life decided to add a few more challenges. My writing has had to take a severe back seat to more pressing matters. I apologize profusely for the delay, I do promise though, I refuse to abandon this story and will definitely see it to the conclusion. It just might take me longer than I first thought. I hope you all enjoy.-~Rebecca

I was thinking about what I had gotten myself into while on the way to my first class. The whole situation had snowballed into something so much bigger than I had originally planned. The entire time I had been preparing for today I had only thinking that I didn’t want to hide my relationship with Sam. I wanted everyone to know how I felt, the last thing I ever wanted was for her to think that I might be scared, or ashamed of being with her. Then the confrontation with Mrs. Benson happened, and with her thinking at first that I was a girl, and then how she singled out and was rude to Sam. I was pissed beyond a shadow of a doubt, and then we talked to Shelly and thinking about her reminded me there was more at stake than just Sam and me. Like I normally did, I steam rolled straight ahead, damn the consequences. I was pulled out of my thoughts by a ding from an incoming text, I ducked into the restroom to answer it. I figured I better answer, especially after sending her that email earlier. Oh yeah, it was Mom and she must have just seen the video.

[Mom: Jordan I just saw the email, what’s going on?]

[Me: A teacher was discriminating against Sam. She wasn’t saying anything to anyone else doing the exact same thing. I couldn’t let her single Sam out, I’m sorry Mom.]

[Mom: Great… Do I need to come down there? Or call the principle.]

[Me: Not yet… I already got sent to the principal and talked with Mr. Miller. I’m not in trouble that I know of. Are you mad?]

[Mom: No, not mad… Frustrated maybe, but not surprised… You just got back from your suspension Jordan.]

[Me: I’m sorry Mom… She was bullying Sam…]

[Mom: I know sweetie. Look keep me informed okay? The twins are in the office and watched the video with me. If you need them they said they’ll be there. We will talk more this evening.]

[Me: I’ll let you know as soon as anything happens. Tell them I said thanks, but don’t worry. I’ve got this]

[Mom: Ugh Jordan… I’m definitely going to worry now… Be there for Sam and tell her if she needs us we’ll be right over.]

[Me: K Mom. Thanks. Love you.]

[Mom: Love you too. Now if at all possible, stay out of trouble the rest of the day young man.]

I almost laughed, she knows I don’t really look for trouble… I just never seem to be able to run from it when it finds me. At least the twins, that would be Mark and Jeff Tomlinson, said they’d help if need be. Their Dad and Granddad would probably be there also if they needed to. Mark and Jeff were the third generation of Tomlinson’s in their law firm. Technically it was Mark the third and Jeff, both their dad and grandad were also named Mark. Mom had been working for them long before I was born, and she had gotten the job because her Mom had worked for Mark senior. Hell, Mom had babysat the twins back when she was still in high school. The Tomlinson and Taylor’s had been close long before even Mom was born.

Thinking about it, I guess they had always been close, Grandma had been working for Mark Senior as a paralegal when my grandfather died in the military while she was still pregnant with Mom. Mom never ever got to meet her Dad, but the old man had taken care of and been there for Grandma, and then for Mom as well. As soon as Mom was able she joined the firm as a paralegal as well. Mark one and two had even pushed mom to get a degree in business back when she first got pregnant with me and had moved from Paralegal to office manager. They had been a godsend after I got really sick. No matter how much time Mom had needed off to deal with me they never questioned it or even shorted her on her salary, I’ve even heard mom and dad talking about how they had even paid off a good portion of my medical bills. They had always been better to us than most of our real family.

Knowing that the twins were going to have my back did make me feel a lot better, I seriously hoped it wouldn’t come to that though. By the time I reached my classroom I was almost twenty minutes late for class. I stopped and listened through the door and the teacher was talking about our upcoming essay we were supposed to be writing, I softly knocked and opened the door interrupting her lecture.

She just glared at me the entire time I walked in, gave her my tardy slip, and sat down. Most of the students were just staring, and a few were snickering as I sat down, I even heard some cough out ‘faggit’. The teacher glared at the class as she cleared her throat and said, “That’s enough! Any more outbursts will get you a pass directly to the principal. Do you understand?” There were a few “Yes ma’am’s”, and a bit of grumbling from around me. With another glare around the room, she started to resume talking about our assigned essay.

Thankfully nothing else was muttered for the rest of class, until the bell sounded at least. As I was walking out of the classroom I heard things like, “Tranny lover… cocksucker… queer.” To name a few… I was pissed, but it was said just low enough and no one was saying it to me directly, so I had no clue where it was coming from. I did have to laugh slightly though, here I was the smallest kid in the entire school and yet no one was brave enough to confront me directly. In short, I realized the kids doing this were cowards. It was like the online comments I’ve read about trans people. The people saying the worst things, were the biggest cowards of them all, and felt safe saying those vile things only from the anonymity of the internet. So yeah, I laughed. Let the chicken shits mutter, because I truly didn’t care what they thought.

My next class was almost the same, only a lot more subdued. I was in advanced algebra, and most of the students were all a bit higher in the academic standings than the students in my English class. It made me think about how more intelligent someone is, how usually the more open they are. Maybe not more open, but definitely less judgmental. Thankfully it was mostly quiet the rest of the way through class, until I got to the lunchroom at least.

The insults were much louder as I was trying to get my food, but like earlier they were using the crowd to hide behind. Knowing they were only trying to get an angry reaction from me, I just smirked. Let the idiots be idiots. I did see a few of the teachers looking around and as one person yelled out one of the teachers must have seen it, as he made a beeline to one of the tables and pulled an older boy from his seat and walked him out of the cafeteria. The insults quickly subsided after that.

I was pleasantly relieved when I saw Rick waving me towards their table after I got gotten my tray of food. It was just him and Tom sitting there, but the ‘jock’ table had already dropped to just us three after everything once Sam and I had started hanging out with each other. As I sat my tray down I greeted them, “Sup guys, what’s going on?”

Tom laughed, “Dude you’re being pretty nonchalant considering your show this morning.”

Before I could start getting mad, Rick asked, “So, you and Sam?”

I turned and glared at him, “Sam and I what?”

Rick told me, “Chill dude, I was only asking. It’s cool with me bro.”

Tom echoed, “Me too Jordan… I don’t think I could but… I’m cool with her being your… Umm…”

I finished his statement, “Girlfriend… She’s my girlfriend. I’m not ashamed of that.”

Rick told me chuckling, “We noticed Jord, hell the entire school noticed with that statement… Look, don’t take this wrong, but both of us like Sam, and she’s like super cool and all… She’s even kinda hot in that sporty softball chick kind of way… It’s just that knowing… You know? Knowing who she was… I just… I mean we just… You’re a bigger man than we are dude.”

Tom nodded and held his hands out like he was holding two large melons and said, “Muchy Grandy dude…”

Rick snorted, “Dude, your Spanish sucks… How do you even have a C in that class?”

Tom shrugged, exclaiming, “Hey you both knew what I meant, that’s good enough for me…”

They both chuckled for a moment, but then they realized I wasn’t laughing, or even smiling. Tom’s statement had caught me off guard, I mean I wish more than anything that that was true… Rick asked, “Hey Jord… You alright?”

I looked back and up and realized I had drifted off into my own thoughts, I told him, “Yeah… Just worried you know… About Sam and how people are going to treat her now, ya know…”

Tom tried to joke, “Whatcha worried about, think they’re gonna tease her for dating a munchkin?”

I sighed, “Yeah something like that…”

Rick elbowed him in the side pretty hard, “Asshole! That’s not cool…” While Tom rubbed his side, Rick looked up at me and told me, “Look dude, no matter what, we’ve got your back… Yours and Sam’s both okay?” He then held up his fist for a bump. Even though Tom was grimacing from the elbow to the side he nodded.

It took me a moment before I raised my own and returned the fist bump, “Thanks dude… Both of you… I appreciate it.”

The rest of lunch and the remainder of the day I kept thinking back to what Tom had said about the size of my nonexistent ‘pair’. They didn’t know any better, and with the way they’d stuck by me and even Sam with my prodding, I knew I needed to let them both know everything. Not only those two dorks, but also the girls on the team as well. I know they’d be okay with me, and even though I had been able to talk to the group about my issues I was still afraid. It wasn’t as bad as before, but it was still there. Fear, even if its irrational fear, is like that I guess. I knew the girls and the guys would be okay with it, well with me. I still didn’t want them to feel sorry for me, that still bothered me to no end. I mean I’ve faced down and beaten death once, I’ve faced down and mostly beaten Mrs. Benson and her hate, hell I even beat the hell out of Clint’s fist with my face. This should be a walk in the park for me.

With all those thoughts running through my mind, I wasn’t able to get much homework or studying done during my study hall period. I’d been in deep thought about all the stuff that had been going on recently. How badly I had scared my parents with my stupidity, not only them but my friends, and girlfriend. The things that happened this morning with Mrs. Benson and Mr. Miller, also the conversation with Shelly and the girls before school. Mostly though I thought about Sam and how she made me feel. How it made me feel when we were together, and then when she’d let her guard down and smile, and I mean truly smile at me. It was in those small moments when I no longer felt small, or weak. When Sam smiled at me, as hokey as it sounds, I felt like I was ten feet tall and made of steel.

I was smiling at those thoughts while I was exchanging books out of my locker when I felt hands come from behind me and cover my eyes as my mischievous girlfriend said, “Guess who?”

I tried not to laugh, so I thought really quick and said, “Ummm… Let me think… Scarlett Johansen?... Umm wait, I know! Kate Beckinsale?” I spun around quickly to see Sam’s shocked expression. I then blurted out while smirking, “Ooo wow! Even better than either of them, it’s my hot girlfriend!”

She softly slapped my arm in frustration, “What why I ought to… Wait… Did you just call me your hot girlfriend?” I grinned and nodded, which caused her to smile and blush slightly. She then looked around the hallway, and softly said, “Good answer, I think I’ll forgive you.” She then bent down slightly and gave me a soft kiss that lasted for a few seconds. I shivered gently from the kiss as my skin started to tingle and my nipples responded. While it bothered me with the response those two nubs gave when kissing her, I won’t admit it out loud it did feel pretty damn good. It hurt slightly, but in a really good way if that makes sense.

It took me a moment to recover, much to Sam’s amusement. As we started to walk to our last class I asked, “So has anyone given you a hard time about this morning?”

She slightly blushed and shook her head, “Not really… I mean not in a mean way…” At my confused expression she added, “Some of the girls sorta teased me about the kiss a bit… I think they might have been a bit jealous… A few of them sort of hinted that they wished their boyfriends would do something like that…”

I grinned, “Okay… I was worried that someone would have been talking shit to you…”

She shook her head, “No… Has someone said anything to you?”

I told her, “Nothing that really matters… It was just a few stupid assholes… Most people have been cool about it… Mr. Miller was even pretty nice when I got called into his office this morning…”

She stopped walking and stared at me, “Oh shit Jordan, what happened? Was it about this morning?”

I nodded, “Yeah, but don’t worry it’s cool. The old bat actually lied to Mr. Miller trying to get me into trouble.”

A shocked expression crossed her face, “Oh shit Jordan… What happened? She was clearing her desk out when I got to her class earlier… She didn’t say anything, but just glared at me the whole time…”

That news surprised me, I had thought that she would just be talked to and not fired. That was the last thing that I wanted to happen. I told her, “He told me what she had said, and I emailed him the video for proof that it was a lie… Was she fired?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know… All I know is that she cleaned out her desk and left, the entire time staring daggers at me…”

I nodded, “Okay… I’ll have to talk to him after class… I never meant for this to happen… I’m pissed at what she did, but I never wanted her to be fired…”

We had just gotten to our class and before we walked in she gave me a quick hug. The rest of the class was just normal school stuff and even though we sat together it didn’t allow us to talk. Afterwards I went straight to Mr. Millers office to try to find out what happened to Mrs. Benson, but was quickly told that there was a big meeting that most of the staff would be attending this afternoon and to check back with him in the morning…

Frustrated I left the office to go meet up with Sam for the walk home. When I found her, Shelly and Rachel were with her. When they looked up I could see they were concerned, Sam asked, “What did you find out?”

I replied, “Nothing… Seems there is a huge meeting this afternoon with the staff… The lady in the office told me to come back tomorrow.”

Shelly asked, “Is the meeting about what happened this morning? Sam told us you were called in to talk to Mr. Miller and then about Mrs. Benson… Umm, leaving.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know what it’s about… But what else could it be… I just wanted her to back off… I didn’t mean to hurt her in the process…”

Rachel came up and gave me a gentle hug, “Hey… Look whatever happened with her, it’s not your fault okay.”

I pulled back, and retorted, “Really? How could it not be my fault? I’m the one that started this Rachel… She might be an old bitch… I still didn’t want to hurt her… I just wanted her to stop…”

Shelly glanced at Sam and then back at me with concern, she gently gave me a hug and whispered, “You keep surprising us Jordan… Even now you’re concerned about her… Even after what she did… Jordan, you’re not the one that made her say those things. It all falls on her okay…”

I sniffed, “I know that… I wouldn’t even change what I did… I just don’t my actions to hurt someone else… It sucks…” I stopped myself, afraid of saying anymore. As angry as she made me, I truly didn’t want Mrs. Benson to lose her job. Maybe I was naïve, but I had hoped that a stern warning would have been it. Even with Clint and the epic dumbass he was, I still felt bad about him going to jail… What the fuck was wrong with me… I’d never felt guilt before for standing up for someone… In the confusion I felt a tear streak down my cheek, about the same time Sam wrapped her arms around me.

She placed her cheek against mine as she held me, “It’s okay Jordan… I think I understand how you feel… Just don’t ever change okay…”

I completely had forgotten Shelly and Rachel standing there when I snorted softly, “Like I can stop that from happening.”

Sam jerked back suddenly and blurted out, “Oh shit Jordan I didn’t even think… I mean I didn’t mean that…”

I pulled her back into a hug and told her it’s okay… I can’t hide this forever…”

Shelly and Rachel stared at us in confusion. Shelly asked, “What’s going on with you two?”

Sam glanced nervously at them and back at me, it was then I realized that I had to tell them. I mean tell them everything… I didn’t want to have to repeat my story a hundred times, so I had an idea. I gently grasped Sam’s hand and then looked at Shelly, “I need to tell you something… I actually need to tell all of you something… Are we still good to practice this Saturday?”

Rachel stared at me for a quick moment and softly said, “Yeah… Are you okay Jordan? I mean… With you missing a lot of school recently… Are you sick again?”

The both looked worried, I smiled and told them, “No… I’m okay… I mean I’m not… But I’m not going to die or anything… I promise… Look can you make sure as many of the players can be there Saturday? Do you mind if I invited two friends from the baseball team to come also? I need to talk to them too…”

Sam softly asked, “Are you sure?”

I nodded and looked at my friends, “Yeah… Definitely sure. Look there is a lot that’s been going on with me… It’s nothing bad or anything, I promise. It’s just hard for me to talk about and I really don’t want to have to repeat it over and over…”

Shelly nodded, “Okay… I mean, yeah, we can get all the girls there. I don’t mind who all you invite…”

Rachel then told me, “Whatever it is Jordan, I can promise you that we don’t care okay… I’m not alone in this, but I think you’re something special…”

All three of the girls nodded, which almost made me start crying again. The girls then saw me fighting tears and they all wrapped me up in a hug, which caused me to let the tears freely start to come out… In between sobs I told them, “Thanks… I don’t know what I did… To deserve you guys…”

I was able to quickly recover, maybe I was getting more and more used to the outbursts of my ever-increasing emotions. They offered us a ride home, which we both accepted. The ride was a quiet one, Sam gently holding my hand sitting in the back seat, while Shelly drove, and Rachel kept glancing back to check on me. It wasn’t a long walk to school, so it was an even shorter drive, maybe only six minutes.

As we got on the car they both gave me a hug again and it was Shelly that said, “I understand what you meant back there Jordan… We think the same thing about you… The reason we want to be your friends though, is simply because it’s you.”

After a few more sniffles and hugs the girls left. Sam followed me into the kitchen, used to my normal after school routine. Once I had finished my slime, Sam asked, “Do you mind if we don’t practice? I just kinda wanted to talk to you about Saturday if that’s okay…”

I smiled, “I don’t mind, I might get a bit wired though…”

She giggled, and told me, “That’s okay, I think I’ll survive. So… What made you decide to tell everyone?”

I thought for a moment, “I guess it’s a lot of little things… It al started adding up, ya know? The guys were joking with me earlier about have a huge pair for having the courage to kiss you like I did… The girls always telling me what a great guy I am… It’s just… I mean I… I’m just starting to feel so damn fake…”

She put her arm around me and whispered, “You’re nowhere near fake Jordan…”

I grumbled, “How am I not? I mean I don’t have a pair, big or small… No matter what I am, I’m not really a guy… I don’t want to be a woman… I’m just so screwed up…”

She wrapped her other arm around me in a fierce hug, “Jordan, you are what you want to be okay… It doesn’t matter if you have a pair, or if you’re not a guy, or even a girl… You’re an amazing person Jordan. You’re an amazing friend, the girls and guys know and see that… You’re simply amazing okay?”

She softly rocked me in the seat as I whimpered, “I’m not Sam… I’m just so messed up…”

Still holding me tightly she fussed, “No you’re not messed up. You’ve been through hell, more than most could realize. It could have fucked you up, and no one would blame you if you were Jordan… Instead you’re you… You’re this funny, scrappy, guy…” She must have felt me tense up as she continued, “Okay person… You are all of those things, you stick up for me, the girls… You’ve even been cool to Brett, even after your rough start… You’re an amazing person Jordan… Trust me… I wouldn’t have fallen in love with an asshole okay?”

I tried to chuckle, but it came out as more of a watery giggle, “Really? I can be an asshole though…”

She giggled back, “Yeah but only at people that deserve it.”

She held me for a moment and as she released me I told her, “I love you too Sam… You’ve faced a lot as well… I’m just worried that once everyone knows about me… With us dating… That you’d have to deal with…”

She interrupted, “Shut up Jordan… I don’t care about any of that… I don’t love you because of what people think okay… I love you because of this.” She tried to place her hand over my heart and accidentally pressed into one of my boobs, which caused me to grimace slightly. She blurted out, “Sorry I didn’t mean to touch your breast… I was trying to…”

I laughed, “I know you were… It’s okay… It’s just they’ve been a bit more sore than normal… And itchy… I think mom changed the detergent or something…”

Sam stared for a moment at my breasts and said, “Or something…” She screwed her face up in thought for a moment and then asked, “Jordan… I know this might be weird… Can I see them? I mean not to be like… You know, creepy. But to see what might be causing them to hurt more…”

I thought for a moment and said, “I guess I don’t mind… As long as you won’t get creeped out or anything…”

She shook her head, “I promise I won’t get upset… Maybe a bit jealous of your boobs, but its okay.” She giggled slightly with the jealous comment.

I sighed at her attempted humor and lead her upstairs to my bedroom. I knew better than doing this, but all my life it had never been not okay to be shirtless… Although I knew I had breasts, I thought that since Sam was trans it wouldn’t be a big deal or anything. Like I imagined girls would be in the locker room or something. So it wasn’t a big deal for me to strip my shirt off and stand there in front of Sam in just my sports bra and jeans. I held my arms out to the side and said, “Okay, here they are…”

Sam walked up and looked, and checked from different angles, she finally said, “Jordan your bra looks way too small… What size is it?”

I shrugged, “I think Mom said it’s an 34A or a double A… Or at least that’s what she sized me up a few weeks ago as. Maybe it’s shrunk from the wash or something…”

Sam shook her head and looked concerned, “Jordan I don’t think it’s shrunk, at least not by that much… That bra is way too tight Jordan. Take it off okay? We need to see what size you are… Does your mom have a tape measure?”

I nodded and told her where mom kept her sewing stuff and as Sam ran downstairs I pulled the offending item off. Immediately they felt better, and as much as I hated to admit that Sam was right, from the heft of them in my hands I knew they had grown. I was crossing my arms trying to cover my breasts, and at the same time massaging them trying to alleviate some of the ache when Sam came back in.

“Jordan, I know this might be weird, but I need to see them okay…”, She softly told me.

Now I was slightly upset and not at Sam, I knew she wanted to help but I was more upset at my condition. It seemed like every time I was able to come to some type of acceptance of where I was at, things suddenly changed. I knew it was probably the HGH in my shake, on top of the estrogen tablet in my hip. Knowing what was causing it didn’t help though. I sighed and sniffed, “This isn’t fair…”

Sam gently grabbed my arms and told me, “I know it’s not, trust me. I know life isn’t fair… Jordan look at me okay…”

I slowly raised my eyes to meet hers, and when I saw her expression I felt a shiver run through me. I was expecting to see pity in her eyes, but what I found was something else altogether. It was a fierce determination in her eyes, but no pity that I could see. I told her, “Okay… Now what?”

She smiled and giggled, “Okay… Now that I’ve got your attention.” I couldn’t help but smirk as she continued, “Jordan, I know you don’t want these… The thing is you have them, and until you decide what to do… You have to take care of them… I don’t want you to hurt yourself again…”

I nodded, “I know… I’m not trying to hurt myself… It’s just that this… This is happening too fast… It’s like as soon as I get adjusted to one of the changes, boom something else happens… I’m trying to play catch up… It’s just too fast Sam…”

Sam smiled sadly and told me, “I know… You’re not alone with this Jord.”

I told her, “I know, I’ve got a ton of people standing by my side I know that…”

She nodded, “Yeah you do… Now can I see? We need to find out what size you are now to see how much you’ve grown.”

I sighed and tried to joke, “Great… You know, I really don’t need to know that.” At Sam’s stern gaze I let my arms drop to my side. The way her eyes opened in surprise I started to cover myself when she spoke.

“Oh my God! Jordan… They’re perfect…”, she whispered in awe.

Needless to say, I blushed, and not just in my face. I felt not only my cheeks but also my shoulders and the top of my breasts flush. Sam quickly recovered and resumed to direct me so she could get my measurements. I guess to try to keep from embarrassing me any more, she did her best to keep from touching me anymore than she had to, so she could get my size. She did some quick figuring in her head and then said, “Jordan… From this… It looks like you’re a least a full B and possibly up to a small C right now I’m guessing… You need to get properly fitted… Or at least let your mom know that they’ve grown enough that you need some new bras.”

I groaned as I fell back to sit on the edge of my bed, “Dammit… Why? Why did this have to happen so fast?!”

Sam gently sat beside me on the bed and gently wrapped her arm around my shoulders. As I slightly leaned into her she softly said, “Jordan I know you don’t want this… You said that you can get them removed right? If that’s what you want that’s okay… Just consider your options…”

I nodded, “Yeah I can get them removed. They just won’t do anything with them until they’re done growing…Sam, you’ve seen how big my mom is. Since I take after her mostly I’ve still got a good bit to go before I’m finished growing… Of course, with them growing like they are right now, it might not take as long as I thought…”

She nodded, “Have you come any closer to having an idea what you’re going to do?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Not really… At first all I could think of was have them removed so I could stay a guy… Or at least as much of a guy as I could be with no testosterone and having to be on estrogen… That’s all I wanted, I hated the idea of this… Now… I don’t know Sam… I really don’t… The thought of living with this… And these… While I don’t want it… It isn’t scaring me as much as it did…”

She gave my hand a soft squeeze and said, “Are you thinking that you might try out the other side? I know I’m biased but there are a few benefits to being a girl over being a boy, or at least I think there is…”

Looking up I saw the look of concern on her face and sighed, “I know… I’ve been considering that more and more. I still don’t see myself as a girl.” I thought of something and chuckled softly.

Sam looked at me questioningly, “What’s funny?”

Glancing down at my chest I said smirking, “I just thought of how I always liked boobs… Now that I have my own… I just don’t see what’s so great about them now…”

Sam giggled, “I can see you’re point… I think you’re forgetting something though… I’ve seen some of your reactions to them… You remember that first kiss in the stairwell?”

Confused I raised my eyebrows, all I could remember was her reaction after she felt them. I told her, “Yeah… I just remember how upset you were…”

Sam blurted out, “Oh god no! That wasn’t what I was talking about… Jordan I’ll always be sorry for that… I was talking about right before that. The way you reacted when I first touched them…”

Trying hard to think about what she was talking about, I tell her, “I don’t remember…”

Sam thought for a moment then gently asked, “Jordan do you trust me to show you?”

Still remembering that moment and how she had reacted, I shrugged, “Go ahead… I trust you more than I trust anybody…”

She smiled and blushed slightly, I was trying to think of what she might do when she leaned over and gently kissed me. Her kiss caught me off guard, I definitely wasn’t expecting it, but who was I to complain. I quickly started kissing her back and as I felt her hands gently caress the bare skin on my sides my skin started tingling which caused me to gasp.

She broke from kissing me to glance down where my nipples were sticking straight out, when I realized it I felt my entire body flush. She asked breathlessly, “How does it feel now?” At my blush she smiled, and then asked, “Do you want me to stop?”

I quickly shook my head and leaned in to resume our kissing. I felt her smiling as our lips touched again, as we both renewed our efforts. Her hands more firmly grasped my sides and pulled me into her, which caused a soft moan to escape from my lips. I felt this need that I had ever felt in my life as I held on to Sam in desperation hoping she’d never stop how this felt. She paused from kissing me and leaned back just enough to look at me softly biting her lower lip. Out of desperation I pulled her back towards me and as she leaned back to kiss me she kept going and pushing me back down on my bed. Even as turned on as I was I started to protest, not because I didn’t want to. I desperately wanted to, but the last thing I wanted to do was go too far too fast.

I panted, “Sam… We can’t… What if my parents come home and we’re…?

Sam softly whispered as she nuzzled my ear, “I’m not taking my clothes off Jordan… We can hear them if they come in okay… Trust me on this… I don’t want us to go too far yet…”

She resumed to softly kiss along my jawline. I emitted a soft moan as I turned my head to kiss her again. She proceeded to place her legs on each side of me while we kissed. The intense need I felt I felt it in my entire body and as the soft cotton top gently brushed my nipples I groaned loudly. I was so focused on how that soft material felt gently rubbing my breasts I almost didn’t realized I felt her lips softly drag down my chin and down my neck. My brain was complete mush, all I could focus on was the intensity of every touch. It was driving me and my body to something I had never felt before. My body slightly jerked as I felt her lips circle around one of my nipples.

I couldn’t help myself, I placed my hands on her head and tried to gently direct her lips to one of my nipples. No sooner did her lips finally touch one, Sam’s lips gently wrapped around it and softly sucked it into her mouth. When I felt her tongue flicking the tip of it as her lips continued her gentle suckling the intensity that I was feeling erupted.

I felt my eyes roll back in my head as I pulled her head down as hard as I could onto my breast. As my body bucked with the intensity of everything I groaned out, “Ffff…UUUCKKK!!! Sam… Don’t… OH MY GOD!!!” that was the most intelligent thing I could say as the waves of pleasure rocked through my body as it continued its convulsions for what seemed like a half of an hour…

It was probably only more like a few minutes though. As my body quit shaking, Sam gently lay beside me. I was still trying to catch my breath but seeing Sam and how she was smiling back at me sent a shiver through me, in a good way. I mean in a very good way. I snuggled a bit closer to her enjoying this moment after I had… I guess I had an orgasm, at least that’s what I had read about. I honestly had never felt anything like this before.

A few quiet moments passed then Sam asked me while smiling, “So… Are you possibly seeing something positive about them now?” I couldn’t form the words yet, so I gently nodded. She smiled again and leaned over to kiss me gently. This wasn’t like our kissing before. Instead of where before it had been passionate and needy, this time was much softer.

She leaned back and looked at me with a peaceful expression on her face as her eyes danced all over looking at my expression. She then asked, “Does that help you come to a decision?”

I raised my eyebrows, and asked, “A decision? On what? Being a girl?”

She giggled and said, “No silly… Like I said if you do or don’t live as a girl, it doesn’t matter to me Jordan. I was meaning deciding if you still might want to have those removed… If you did remove them, what just happened probably wouldn’t happen again afterwards you know…”

I hadn’t thought about that, hell I hadn’t ever thought about how good these protrusions could have caused me to feel all of that. I simply said, “Oh…”

She told me, “Look I’m not trying to make you decide one way or the other. I’m really not… I just wanted to give you something to think about… That moment when I touched them in the stairwell… I kept thinking that you might have had a…”

I blurt out, “No!”

She looked confused, “No? You didn’t… You know? When I touched them before?”

I responded, “No… I mean yes, I did… Or I think I did…”

She asked, “Then what?”

I blushed a bit at how forceful the realization was, and then told her, “No… I don’t want them removed…”

She smiled broadly, then gently leaned down to kiss me again.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 16

---

---

Author's Note:With all my prep work done for my upcoming court stuff, all I'm left to do is wait. I woke up this morning worried and upset and started writing in an effort to preserve what little bit of sanity I have left. Hah! Anyway... I'm so glad that you've enjoyed the last chapter, and I hope this will continue for this one. This has been an incredible story for me to write, and I hope that you're enjoying reading it as much as I am writing it. Much love y'all.-~Rebecca

Later that evening I was standing there in my bathroom admiring my boobs… Yeah, I never thought I’d have ever thought that, let alone admitted it to anyone either. Sam’s administrations earlier that afternoon had caused a shift inside me, one I couldn’t define but I definitely knew things had changed for myself. No, I wasn’t talking about seeing myself as a girl or anything, but maybe just maybe I could deal with these things. I mean, I had never thought in a million years that I’d have someone interested in me like that. I mean I knew I was a good guy, or tried to be, but other than that I thought that I was sexually dead. Being sick like I was, and then having my balls removed… I had never felt so… Alive?!? I don’t even think that really explains it… Laying besides Sam after that moment and holding her as she kissed me softly, I don’t think I’d ever been so content in my life. If having my boobs caused that… I can live with it… them…

My night after Sam had brought me to that realization quickly became a blur. We had cuddled and kissed for a bit longer, but she had to get home and ended up leaving thirty minutes before Mom had gotten home. Mom getting home was just another fun experience to my rollercoaster of a day. She had walked in fully prepared to fuss at me for my stunt at school, but before she could get fully started I pulled my tee shirt up and even though I had put on my biggest bra the cups were extremely overfilled. That totally took the wind out of her sails…

That caused yet another inspection and getting the girls measured again to her disbelief. She quickly called Dad and had him pick up some take out on the way home, so we could go shopping afterwards. Yay… Even though I knew I needed new bras didn’t magically make me enjoy shopping. Knowing that I’d probably never remove them, especially after I knew how good they could feel, the thought of being fitted by someone other than my mom was embarrassing to say the least.

Dad arrived with Chinese take out a little bit later and we sat down for a quick supper. That was when I got my lecture for the shit I had stirred up this morning. Even though I was getting fussed at for creating waves right getting back from my suspension, it really didn’t feel heartfelt. It felt like they were just going through the motions, but after I had explained everything and let Dad watch the video, I could see pride in their eyes for what I had done… Maybe parents feel that sometimes they have to ‘fuss’ even though they agreed with what I did. I do think they wished I had waited a bit longer than my first day back.

The shopping trip after supper made me want to hide under a rock… Mom tried to make it as painless for me as possible, I know that, but it wasn’t just shopping but bra shopping… Where’s a rock when you need one… I’m small and I don’t even need a big one to hide under.

She had taken me to the vanity fair outlet a few towns over in an attempt to limit seeing anyone we might know. Also, since it was an outlet I wouldn’t be subject to a stranger fitting me. Instead Mom took my measurements and started grabbing dozens of new bras and letting me try them all on in the safety of the changing rooms. We ended up leaving with eight new ones, four sports bras, three regular ones, and the last one… That one I actually embarrassed myself with… When I saw it, I couldn’t help but think how pretty the black lacy thing was, and how it would make my breasts look. That was the embarrassing part, the thought that I wanted them to look good made me blush brightly. Mom noticed and was a mix of amused and confusion. I tried to change my mind, but she had said she saw how much I wanted it and she tossed it in the buggy with the rest, along with a set of matching panties. Panties that were vastly different than the plain cotton ones I had gotten used to wearing.

The ride home was excruciating for me. Mom tried to get me to talk about why I had wanted that black lacy bra. I think she was hoping that I might be ready to ‘take the plunge’ and go all out being a girl. I knew that I looked more like a girl than a boy, and how that would probably be easier, except I just was ready. I tried to make excuses why I had wanted it but couldn’t tell her the real reason. All I could think when I first saw it, was I bet Sam would love how this made them look. I had already realized that I knew Sam loved me, and I also knew it wasn’t because of unwanted transition. I had realized that Sam, like me, was still attracted to women.

That had led me to where I was at that night, standing there in front of the mirror wearing my new lacy bra with its matching black lacy panties. My emotions were all over the place, I don’t think they could even build a roller coaster that had all the twists and turns I was experience at the moment. At first, I was amazed at how good I looked, at least my body. My hair was a mess being the shaggy mop that hadn’t been cut in almost a year by this time. I knew I looked like a cute girl, and I mean a really cute girl with a shitty haircut. I wasn’t voluptuous or anything, but my C-cup’s looked huge on my rather petite body. I had also gained a good bit of weight, but all the exercising and everything I was more toned than anything. I realized that with the right effort I could probably be considered hot. Then I got embarrassed with thinking that, and how so not long ago I’d have died to be standing where I was at right now.

I shifted how I was standing so I could see how I looked at different angles, and then I started thinking that I wished I knew what Sam would think of this. I imagined that she would like it, and that took my thoughts to what had happened earlier… Needless to say I got excited. I closed my eyes and traced the outline of the bra and imagined that my hands were Sam’s. After several minutes I was really into it and my knees were getting weak. I opened my eyes and the hungry look in the disheveled girl staring back at me shocked me and and made me realize what I was doing.

I quickly rushed back to my room and took off the lacy things in favor of my plain cotton underwear and hopped into my bed. While I was lying there my thoughts kept returning to Sam and before I knew it my hands found my breasts again and it wasn’t too long before I was having to bite my lip to keep from crying out…

I felt asleep not too long afterwards, I wish I could say I slept peacefully but unfortunately, I kept having these weird intense dreams. I kept seeing myself and different futures I guess. At least they were all with Sam, but they changed up so drastically… One thing in common though in none of them was I ever dressed or looked like a guy. There was Sam and I at a dance, I was in this short sassy dress and Sam was wearing a nice pantsuit. Then there was our wedding, me in a beautiful white dress and Sam in a feminine cut tux… In all the different variations it was obvious that Sam even being a girl was always the masculine one in the dreams and I was the petite sassy flirty girl… Many times, I woke up in tears, hoping that my dreams were driven from my fears and not from what my subconscious might want…

The next morning it was harder than I thought hiding my breasts. I had to wear a baggy shirt and put on a light jacket to cover them up. Thankfully, it being October, it wasn’t too hot to wear the jacket, but it really wasn’t cool enough to wear it either. I figured I’d just deal with it, at least till this weekend. Once I told the guys and the girls on the team it would only be a matter of time before someone talked. Hell, for all I know someone might notice my breasts today. As afraid as I was of telling everyone, I did know that I was sick of hiding them. I did want to talk to my friends before everyone knew though. That was important to me at least.

My parents knew I was a bit off this morning, my thoughts kept me in my head. Not only just the morning but that day and the next leading up to Saturday. Sam even knew something was wrong, and I did confide in her… Well most of it at least, I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about my new lacy underthings I had gotten. I was still embarrassed at myself for wanting them like I did.

Honestly things over the next two days were basically dull. I had expected the deal with Mrs. Benson to be blown up into this huge thing. It ended up being a non-event… She wasn’t even fired, she quit of her own accord. If the school was going to side with letting Sam and I, on top of gay and lesbian couples hold hands, she couldn’t stand by and watch it… So, she quit… Not only her, but 3 other teachers who shared her belief walked out after the meeting they had. They all were older teachers and had enough years they filed their retirement paperwork and left.

The funny thing was the PDA rule that everyone had been quoting since like forever didn’t even mention holding hands, or even kissing… Nothing was ever specified specifically. It seemed the rule had never even been read in the last few decades, it was always assumed to be specific. It only stated non-authorized PDA was allowed… So, what did Mr. Miller do? He specified what was allowed and using other state schools as his guidelines made his specifications. Basically, what wasn’t allowed now was kisses lasting longer than 10 seconds, or any kisses using tongue… Yup that was it… He did hold an assembly in the Gym with all the students present explaining the new rule, and reiterated that in no way will our LGBT students be singled out and the ruled abides to everyone… You know what? None of the students really cared… The ones that might want to single us out were happy that they could kiss their girlfriends, and then there were the LGBT kids who were just excited about not being picked on by faculty. It turned into no big deal…

Of course, it was a big deal to some people, people like Shelly who about mobbed me the first chance she got. I was with Sam when I heard her squeal out my name as she ran up and hugged me. It was embarrassing enough but she scooped me up in a tight hug and lifted me off the ground. Not only did being picked up so easily by a girl embarrass me, but as she hugged me I felt her breasts pressed tightly against mine. It was obvious by her expression and how she sat me down so quickly she felt it too.

Once she sat me down she looked down as I tried to cover them up again with my jacket and she asked, “Jordan are those?!?”

Sam moved up closer to try to block me from others view as I whispered as loud as I dared, “Yes they are. It’s not what you think Shelly!”

Shelly glanced at Sam as she stood over me protectively and said, “Jordan you don’t have to hide them okay. You know we all love Sam, that wouldn’t change with you…” Then she gasped, “Oh my god, you’ll be able to play with us… That’s awesome Jordan!” She was getting louder and louder.

Thankfully Sam was able to get her attention, “SHELLY!” Once Shelly focused on Sam, Sam continued, “It’s not that simple… Jordan doesn’t want this… He… Want’s to be a guy…”

Confused for a moment, her eyes brighten up, “OH shit… You’re a transguy? I didn’t know… I never even thought… Hell, look at you, I mean it’s pretty obvious now…”

I blurted out, “Dammit no I’m not trans… I mean… I am… But… Shelly I was born a guy… I promise.”

Sam nodded, “Listen to him Shelly, he’s telling you the truth. He doesn’t want this.”

Now I could see that she was totally confused by now, I softly told her, “Look you know I was sick?” She nodded, and I pressed on, “What was done to save my life… It caused this… I really didn’t want this to happen…”

Sam’s face perked up, she asked, “You didn’t? I thought you said you don’t want this…”

I rolled my eyes and told her, “After… you know… I’m working things out…”

She smiled and blushed, which Shelly noticed, “What a minute… What did you do Sam?” To which we both blushed.

Sam was the first one to speak, “Look. This was what he was going to talk about Saturday okay. Can you wait until then and let him tell everyone? I mean it Shelly, not even Rachel.”

I added, “I’d really appreciate that Shell. I don’t want to explain everything thirty times… I’m sick of hiding this… I need to be the one to do it… Just can you wait till then for me to tell them? Please?”

She glanced back and forth at both of us biting her lip. I knew she had a lot of questions she was wanting to ask, she finally nodded and said, “Okay… Saturday morning… I’ll make sure everyone is there. Are you okay Jordan? I mean you’re not going to be getting sick again?”

I shook my head and told her, “No I shouldn’t be getting sick again… I’m feeling better right now than I ever have. At least that I can remember…”

She smiled softly and gave me a much more subdued hug and whispered, “Then no matter what’s happening… I’m glad you’re still with us okay… No matter what, we’ve got your back. The whole team will, or they’ll be off the team. I promise you.”

I answered while hugging her back, “I hope it doesn’t come to that…”

She let me go and winked, “Trust me, I know my girls. It won’t.”

As Shelly walked away Sam gently grasped my hand in hers and asked, “So yesterday is helping you work things out?”

I glanced up at her and saw the mischievous twinkle in her eye and smirked, “Yeah it is… It helped, and confused me, more than you could know…”

She grinned devilishly and bent down to kiss me, but right before her lips touched mine she said, “Just let me know when you want me to help you again… We can work on this confusion your having.”

Reminded me of that while her lips touched mine caused my body to tingle in anticipation, as we broke the kiss I couldn’t help but give an involuntary shiver and I softly exclaimed, “Stop that! I’m going to have to get to class…”

She giggled as we started walking towards our classes and said, “I wouldn’t be a good girlfriend if I didn’t offer.”

I joked, “Great my girlfriend is a shameless hussy…”

She laughed and then kissed me on the cheek telling me, “Yup, except I’m your shameless hussy, remember that.”

I shivered again, which only made her laugh loudly as we walked. I smiled as I quickly realized I didn’t mind that at all.

I didn’t see the guys until lunch on Friday when they cornered me about being the cause of the drastic change to the PDA rule. They were giving me a hard time, but in a friendly kind of way. The way that I had expected so I joined in their laughter and kidding. Right up till I kidded them that once they were able to get a girlfriend they could enjoy the change to that rule too.

Rick told me, “Oh that was a low blow Jord… “

Tom agreed, “Yeah that was cold dude…”

I just laughed at them, but then I brought up, “Hey guys… Are you busy Saturday morning?”

They both shook their head, Rick asked, “No what’s going on?”

I told them, “You know I was helping out the girls’ softball on Saturday, right?” They both nodded, “Well something’s come up, and I was going to make a big announcement to them… I wanted you guys to be there… It’s pretty important, and I don’t want to retell this a hundred times…”

They both looked at me concerned, Rick asked, “Is everything okay? You’re not dying, are you? Dude we just got you back…”

I shook my head, “Oh god no, its nothing like that… I’m healthier than I’ve been since I was a kid. I’m fine…”

Tom looked deadly serious as he asked me, “It better not be that Sam’s pregnant…”

That caused both of us to spin and look at Tom, I was too stunned to say anything, but Rick said, “You dumbass, she can’t get pregnant!” Before he finished, Tom started laughing.

Tom snorted, “Yeah I know, but the look on your faces…”

Rick muttered, “Asshole… I thought he was serious…”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah me too… So, you two guys in for Saturday?”

They shrugged, Tom said, “Yeah I guess we can… But help with softball? It’s softball…”

I laughed, “Yeah but there’s a lot of really nice girls on the team… It might go along way to help you get a girlfriend. It might save you from getting carpel tunnel before you’re sixteen.”

Rick laughed, and Tom just looked confused, Rick said, “So if we come help out, you’re going to set us up with some of your softball friends?”

I shook my head violently, “Oh hell no, I’d never do that to them… They’re my friends… But if you did come out, it would make you look a lot better. It would give you a better chance…”

Rick thought about it for a moment and said, “Okay then… We’re in…”

It was Tom that realized what I had said, “Wait a minute… We’re your friends too…”

I laughed, “That’s why I’m helping you dorks, to try to clean up your image… The rest is going to be up to you.”

Saturday morning found me dressed and waiting for Sam to get there. I was glad she came over and helped talk me through this. Even though I was totally covered up, I knew what I what I was wearing underneath my sweatpants and my jacket. I was nervous now, but I wasn’t scared… Not really. I mean there is a certain amount of fear involved, that’s why I’m nervous, but this time its not the crippling fear I was having before Sam found out.

It was about forty minutes before we had planned to meet when Sam showed up, and quickly afterwards Brett did too. Sam had contacted him and told him what I was planning to do, and he wanted to be there also to support me. That alleviated most of my nerves but not quite all of them. After a quick check by going upstairs so Sam could confirm how my exercise outfit looked, I quickly covered back up and we headed out to Brett’s car for the ride to the softball field. The ride was fairly quiet, other than Sam and Brett reminding me they were there for me I was mostly left to my thoughts about what I was about to do.

We arrived at the practice field and found both Shelly and Rachel there getting out equipment, so all three of us gave them a hand. With five sets of hands we made pretty quick work of it. After we were done Shelly and Rachel came up and gave me a hug, while Shelly was careful to keep from squeezing my boobs, Rachel wasn’t careful, and she felt them as our breasts pressed together.

Before she could say anything, I told her, “This is what I’ve got to say this morning Rachel… Just please can we wait for everyone to get here.”

She glanced at me and Sam and then Brett who nodded. He told her, “Yeah it’s nothing you’d ever expect Rachel…”

She looked shocked, “Brett you know? How do you know?”

At Brett’s blank stare I spoke up, “He dropped Sam off at the hospital that Sunday when I was still there… He kinda saw them sticking out of the gown…”

Brett blinked and mumbled, “Yeah… That’s how I found out…”

Sam came up beside me and put her arm around me and told Rachel, “Just wait okay. It’s only a little bit longer, and we’ll explain everything.”

Rachel nodded, but kept shifting her gaze between the three of us. We tossed the ball around while we waited, Brett even grabbed a glove and joined in. We didn’t have to wait long until people started arriving. Surprisingly it was Rick and Tom that got their first, both of them had their baseball gear bags slung over their backs as they rode their bikes up to the fence. At Rachels questioning look I told her I was telling them too, and that I said they could help out with practice if you all wanted.

It only took another fifteen minutes for all the girls to arrive, and when I said all, I meant all of them. According to Sam we hadn’t had a Saturday practice yet with everyone, so this was a first. Shelly told them it was important to be here, and it was about me. The fact that they showed up and were concerned about me, most thought like everyone else, that I was sick again.

Once everyone was there and ready I started, “Everyone knows a bit of what I went through, about how sick I was a few years ago.” Heads nodded, so I continued and told them everything over the next fifteen minutes. There were looks of shock, disbelief and unfortunately, I saw the pity in more than one set of eyes. Sam heard my voice waiver and quickly stepped beside me and held my hand, glancing at her smiling face I then saw Brett standing there nodding as me. Them being there gave me the strength to finish. Once I was done I told everyone to ask what they wanted, and I’d do my best to answer.

It wasn’t surprising that most of the questions were from the girls about if I could play softball with them now. It was Shelly who spoke up and told them it wasn’t that simple. I then told them that until I could see myself as female, I couldn’t just claim I was only so I could play. I wanted to play ball, and I even wanted to play softball with them, but I had to make that decision for me… Because it was the right decision for me, and not only because I wanted to play.

The next round of questions were of disbelief, Rick and Tom were some of those voices. I was ready for that actually, I knew how hard this was to believe. I had a hard time believing it myself most days, and it was actually happening to me. Looking around at how most of the girls were dressed for today’s practice made me feel a bit better about Sam’s and my decision of how to do this. I was going to be dressed exactly like most of the girls.

I told them, “I knew you guys would find this hard to believe… Give me a second and I’ll show you.” I noticed the confused expressions of everyone, but Sam and Brett came over to shield me somewhat as I pulled my sweatpants and jacket off exposing me in my new work out gear.

Sam whispered to me, “It’ll be okay Jordan… I promise you. I love you…”

I whispered back to her, “Thank you… I love you too you know?”

She grinned and told me, “Yeah I do… So, you ready for this?”

I smirked, “No, not really… But hell, that’s never stopped me before…”

With that I turned around and Brett and Sam moved off to the side. The look of shock on everyone’s face caused my fear to spike momentarily. I had to fight the urge to flee, but I glanced at my two friends by my side and took a step forward.

I was standing there simply dressed in my sneakers, ankle socks, my spandex biking shorts, and one of my new sports bras. I was dressed exactly like eleven of the fifteen girls standing there. Everyone just stood there shocked… It seemed like forever and no one was saying anything.

I softly stated, “Guys… This is me… Please say something…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 17

---

---

Author's Note:Life is slowly starting to resume a sense of normalcy. I'm now trying to catch up with three writing projects I'm trying to do. Alternative is of course one of them, I also have another story that's slowly being written along with a collaboration that I'm working on with a good friend, who is already a published author. I can't give any more info about the collaboration, other than I'm hoping that it will be incredible. That is if I can get myself caught up enough to pull my own weight. With me being a big gal that's actually takes a lot haha. Much Love y'all, hope you enjoy.-~Rebecca

I sat there waiting for a response, any response. Staring at the faces around me, all I could hear and feel, was my heart hammering in my chest. I softly said, “Guys? Please…” I was fighting off the urge to turn and run, and in doing so I felt my body start to tremble. I guess Sam and Brett both noticed as I felt Sam gently take my hand and I felt Brett’s large hand rest on my shoulder and give it a soft squeeze. Even Shelly moved beside me to place her hand on my other shoulder.

It was Brett that shocked everyone into action when he barked, “Really? After everything he’s done for you… You all are just going to stand there? Really?!?”

It was Lyndsey that was the first to move. Lyndsey and I hadn’t really talked much, but I had gotten to know her a bit and she had always come across as an incredibly sweet person. She stepped up quickly and bent down to hug me, yeah, she had to bend down. When I had first met her, I had been concerned that she was so thin that she was sick or something. Here was this pretty girl who was close to six feet tall and towered over me, but she was also even thinner that I was. I had been concerned, until I saw her mom and sisters come to pick her up. It seems all the women in her family shared that same build. As she hugged me she said, “Jordan I’m sorry… I just… You just shocked me… us…”

While she hugged me, I felt the crowd move forward, I glanced up as I felt more hands being placed on my arms and shoulders. I glanced around and saw almost the entire crowd had moved up to stand close to me in support. I couldn’t help it when I felt a relieved sob escape my lips as I finally released the breath that I didn’t know I was holding. I softly said while crying, “Thank you Lynds…” I looked at all the other blurry faces around me, and added, “Thank all of you…”

Lyndsay stepped aside as other girls came up to hug me, I did notice though as she moved aside she moved over and looked at Brett admiringly. I was trying to figure out why he wouldn’t look up at her when Rachel mobbed me saying, “Oh my god Jordan… None of us knew… It doesn’t matter though okay? You’re our friend, this shouldn’t change that you know?”

I put what was going on between Lyndsay and Brett aside and I focused on Rachel, “It shouldn’t… I’ve seen how people treated Sam though… I just…”

She softly shook me, “You see how we treat Sam. Why did you think that we’d treat you any different?”

I shook my head, “I don’t know… I mean I knew that you were okay with her, but… I don’t know Rachel… I was just afraid okay… I know it doesn’t make any sense…”

She hugged me again and said, “I’m sorry that you thought we’d mistreat you…”

I told her, “It’s not that Rach… I mean… My entire life… Every time something starts going good for me… a huge but happens…” She looked at me quizzically, so I continued, “I mean I was doing good a few years ago… I had great grades, I was excelling in sports… I had so many friends… Then I got sick… I had all but given up when they found a cure… I started getting my hopes up that things were going to go back to normal… Then I found out what had to be done to save me… Then I got Sam back into my life and then when I started to fall for her… I thought she was into guys, which just reminded me of how I was changing… We got passed that, and right now things are going really great for me Rachel… I just waiting for the…”

Her eyes opened in realization as she finished the statement for me, “The but… You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop… Jordan… You can’t do that… I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I do know one thing… We’re all your friends okay? Whatever happens, good, bad, or indifferent, nothing will change that. You’ve been here for us, so let us be here for you. I feel confident enough to say that we’re all are going to be here for you for a long time.”

I was afraid to say something, so I just nodded and wiped the tears from my face, I saw everyone around me nodding as well. I then noticed there were a few people still rooted where they were standing earlier. It was three other girls who I hadn’t seen on our Saturday practice, and also Rick and Tom. I asked just loud enough for them to hear, “Guys? What are you thinking?”

They both walked up to me hesitantly, and it was Rick that spoke for them both, “So this is why you’re not doing PE or trying out for baseball?”

I nodded and pointed to my chest, “I couldn’t hide these anymore. It was all I could do to hide them under my baggy clothes. I can’t do anything with them right now… I mean if I chose to have them removed, I’d still have to wait a few years to make sure they’re done growing… I don’t think I’m going to do that though…” I couldn’t help but glance over at Sam remembering our moment, which caused us both to blush.

It was Tom who noticed that exchange and his eyes opened wide, “Oh… OH!”

Rick was confused and looked at Tom and asked, “What the hell man?”

Tom had a smirk he couldn’t hide, and he told Rick motioning to Sam and said, “Looks like Sam beat us getting to second base…”

Rick uttered a small, “Huh?” as he quickly looked at Sam, and then me. Then his eyes glanced down at my exposed cleavage and you could see it plainly on his face when he got the mental image imprinted in his brain as he quickly looked up and said, “Fuck… Why’d you have to go there asshole… I won’t be able to unsee that…”

Tom just sat there grinning, after a moment he said, “I never thought I’d ever say this, and it’s probably going to sound even weirder than it does in my head, but… Sam I have to admit one thing… You’ve got a pretty hot smoking boyfriend…”

I noticed everyone in the group had the same stunned expression, except for Tom of course. He was smirking like the cat that had just caught the canary. The sheer audacity of his statement and the look on his face caused the first giggle to escape from me. I quickly covered my mouth with my hands but even doing that I couldn’t stop myself before I broke down laughing hard. Rick quickly backhanded Tom in the shoulder and muttered, “Fucker!!!” Which only set Sam and many of the other girls off as well.

After we recovered from the laughter, Rick asked, “You said that you’re not a girl or even wanting to be one, right? Then why are you dressed up like this? Cause Jord… I’m sorry but even knowing you… I can’t see anything else but a girl standing here…”

I sighed, “Yeah… Well I knew how hard this was going to be to believe… So, I thought I’d wear this to show everyone… The sports bra I have to wear… Otherwise they start hurting too much.” I saw both Rick and Tom both wince, so I continued, “Yeah… As far as everything else but the socks… This is my standard work out stuff… I did bring a shirt to wear over the bra once the show and tell was over…” With that I dug into my bag I had brought and pulled out my tank top my Mom had made for me. When I had gotten sick she had made it up, thinking it would lift my spirits.

I was tugging it on when Tom asked, “Twenty-three? That was your old number wasn’t it?”

I nodded, “Yeah Mom thought this would make me feel better when she brought me to a few games… At the time it only reminded me I couldn’t play…” I stopped talking at the intensity of the memory. I took a few deep breathes to try and keep the tears held back.

Rick stated, “That’s why you only came to a few games once you were…”

I nodded, “In the chair? Yeah… I couldn’t do it anymore… Just watching you guys while knowing I could never be out there again…”

Sam wrapped an arm around my shoulders in a sideways hug and said, “Yeah it was hard for us too…” Rick and Tom both nodded, then she added, “That and Jason just sucked…”

We all chuckled, then I said, “Enough with all this… Who’s ready to practice?”

Everyone nodded enthusiastically, and Sam said, “Why don’t you all work on fielding while Jord and I get warmed up?”

The girls agreed and started grabbing their gloves when Rick asked, “What do you want us to do?”

I knew I had asked them to help, but I was actually surprised that they were still here. The fact they were still willing to help made me smile. I asked, “You guys want to hit and let the girls get warmed up fielding?”

They were nodding when Brett came up and asked, “What do you want me to do? Baseball isn’t really my thing, but I know how to hold a bat.”

I laughed, “Good thing then that this is softball then. Why don’t you help those two dorks.”

Rick rolled his eyes while Tom laughed and said, “Hey now! I resemble that remark!” That only set everyone off chuckling again.

I started getting into my catcher gear as Brett started lobbing the balls to Rick as he was sending them to the bases. I watched him for a few moments, Rick was good. He was also like me, he was a technical hitter. What we both lacked in power, we made up with our accuracy. One of the reasons we both almost always made it on base. Tom though was more of a power hitter. Sam and I was just starting to warm up when they switched up batters and Tom started sending balls out to the outfield.

I couldn’t help but pause and smile watching them, Sam came up and said, “This is pretty cool isn’t it?”

I nod, “Yeah it is. I never thought I’d get to be part of this again, you know?”

She smiled, “Yeah I know. You’re in your element out here Jordan. Even though it’s just practice, I can tell that everything that you’re worrying about sorta gets put aside…”

I nod, “Yeah… It’s just when we’re out here… It’s just you, me, and the ball count… Nothing else really matters at the moment.”

She grinned and said, “Then why don’t we get warmed up and show them what we can do?”

I grinned back and told her, “Sounds good to me.”

She then leaned over and gave me a soft kiss which I readily accepted and returned. That only caused a bunch of catcalling and complaining from the team telling us to get to work. Which caused us both to chuckle as we got started. It only took us about fifteen minutes to get both of us warmed up and stretched.

Once we were ready and had taken our places on the field, we had decided to continue the fielding exercises. This time though it was more of a game ‘feel’ to it, the non-starters, along with Rick, Tom, and even Brett, were going to fill out the ‘other’ team. It was just our luck that Tom was the first up at bat. The outfielders had already witnessed his power while hitting and many of them started to ease back to the outfield fence. I shook my head at them and tried to pull them back some.

Tom grinned and said, “Smart move, they won’t be able to catch these home runs anyway.”

As I signaled to Sam to give me a regular pitch, I said, “I had forgotten how cocky you were Tom…” Sam shook her head, she obviously didn’t want to give him an easy pitch. I just smiled big enough for her to see it through my facemask and called for the same pitch again.

Tom said, “Well when you’re as good as I am, its just being a realist.”

Sam looked at me funny and shrugged her shoulders, as she started to wind up I stated, “Now Tom, could you play and stop staring at my tits?”

He turned quick enough and blurted out, “Dude I’m not!” About that time the ball hit my glove.

Brett said while smirking, “That would be strike one.”

Tom shook his head, “Oh damn… I forgot this… I forgot how much of a sneaky little shit you were.”

I grinned back at him and told him, “Well if you want any hope of hitting the ball you better remember buddy.”

He laughed and as he stepped back into the batter’s box he said, “Okay then, game on bud.”

I smiled and called for a fastball, to which Sam smiled and nodded. I could see the smug grin on her face as she realized what I did to Tom. As the ball hit my glove before Tom had even started swinging good I heard him blurt out, “Shit! I’ve never seen a softball that fast!”

I grinned and told him, “Then just wait… That wasn’t even one of her fastest ones…” I know that was a lie, that was actually one of the fastest I had seen from her. I figured though it would keep Tom guessing.

As we worked through the rotation, no one got on base. The only person that connected with the ball was Brett. He sent one screaming just over Sam’s head, but she quickly snatched it out of the air with her glove.

I accused him, “I thought you said you were a football player…”

He shrugged and grinned, “Hey that surprised the shit out of me too.”

We made it through the rotation three times before we swapped players out, taking turns so everyone got a chance to try to hit off of Sam while we were in our zone. Everyone had gotten at least three times at bat before we slowed her pitches down. That way Sam wasn’t overworked, and everyone got a chance to actually hit the ball some. Well we didn’t turn it down for three guys though, even so, Tom hit three fouls over the fence, Rick got two base hits, and the damn football player got a home run. Go figure…

We had been at it hard for almost two hours when we finally called an end to practice. We were all dusty and sweaty, and even as tired as she was Sam absolutely glowed. She was meant for this, being out there surrounded by her teammates. I understood that, I could also feel it myself. I didn’t know if I was glowing or not, but I knew I felt great, even with as tired and sweaty as I was.

We were busy packed up our stuff when I saw Brett off in one of the dugouts talking with Lyndsey. The conversation looked fairly intense, not in a heated way, but from their expressions it looked important. I got Sam’s attention and asked, “What’s up with Brett and Lynds? I noticed the looks they gave each other, and now they look pretty in to it in the dugout…”

Sam sighed, “It’s not really any of my business to say, but most of the school knows so… They were an item for a long time. Everyone thought they were the ‘it’ couple, you know? The two that would be together forever kinda couple…”

I asked, “What happened?”

She took a slow breath and then sighed, “I guess I happened… I mean that I came out and then Brett had all that stuff resurface… Then the stuff with his Dad… He broke it off with her. He didn’t want to hurt her and told her the stuff he was going through was going to bring her down with him…”

I looked over at them talking in the dugout and stated, “But that hurt her anyway and she doesn’t know why…”

Sam said, “Yeah pretty much in a nutshell. I hate it… Both of them are such good people… I know it tears Brett up, just as much as it does Lynds…”

I sighed, “And there isn’t anything we can do…”

She leaned into me and softly said, “Yeah I know… It sucks though. I wish we could do something.”

I lean into her and nod, “Yeah me too. It’s not up to us though…It's all up to Brett.”

Our attention quickly got drawn back to packing up our gear and getting ready to go home. All the girls came up and hugged both Sam and I. Every single one of them told me they supported me and hoped I could at least start practicing with them after school. It didn’t even matter to them if I wouldn’t be able to play or not. I did my best to not get too emotional, but I definitely got choked up a bit. Even Rick and Tom came up, even though they made it a bit awkward.

Rick paused for a moment, seeming unsure what to do before he stuck his hand out to shake mine and then pulled me into a bro type hug. He said, “Thanks for having us out here Jord. It was a lot of fun. More than that it was good to see you two in action again.”

Tom was smirking at Rick and his nervousness as he looked at me and Sam and said, “Dude and dudette… This was a lot of fun, thanks for letting us play with ya.”

He stuck his hand out confidently to give my hand a shake. I guess he was trying to be too calm to mess with Rick. I didn’t know what got into me, but I couldn’t help myself. I bypassed his hand and gave him a big hug and then tiptoed to give him a kiss on his cheek. I quickly stepped back and tried my best to not laugh at his embarrassment.

He still had his hand out like he was waiting for it to be shook and he stammered, “But… wait… You said… What the hell Jordan?!?!”

The people around us started to laugh and I burst out laughing as I said, “Got you back fucker!”

Tom shook his head and wiped his cheek as he reddened. After a moment he said, “Okay… Yeah you did asshole.” He then laughed, “I do tell you what though, after seeing your boobs I’m not all together mad about that kiss.” He then made an exaggerated kissy face, which caused me to shove him away to everyone’s laughter.

I said, “Nope you only get one. Sam get’s all the rest.” I then tiptoe and gave Sam a soft kiss on her lips.

She said while smiling at me after the kiss, “I better get all the rest after all you're mine.”

We ended up hanging out for a few more minutes, everyone joking around with each other. The guys and girls were each giving the other pointers about what they noticed in practice. Well other than Brett and Lynds, they were kind of standoffish and kept staring back and forth with each other.

I tried not to worry about it as we loaded our gear in Brett’s car. He was quiet on the ride home and both Sam and I picked up on it. As we were getting out of the car at my house I said, “Why don’t you two come in for a bit so we can hang out?”

Sam agreed, “Yeah that sounds good. Brett come on and come in and lets chill okay?”

He tried to stammer, “No… I’ve got stuff… I need to go and get…”

I gently grabbed his hand and softly said, “Brett look you don’t have to be the strong silent guy around us okay? We’re your friends, come in and talk okay?”

He looked so worn down at that moment, his eyes were tinged with moisture and it looked like he was doing all he could do not to cry. He started to say something, but his voice caught, and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and simply said, “Okay…”

We both gently pulled him out of the car and lead him into the house. Both of my parents were there, and I told them as I was grabbing some Gatorades that we were going to go upstairs and talk. They could see the seriousness in my face and didn’t question me thank god. I really didn’t want to out Brett with them.

As we got up to my room and I passed the drinks around I looked at him as he just sank down onto my bed holding his drink and making no effort to open it. I told him, “Hey, talk to us okay? We’re here. What happened today?”

He looked at both of us and Sam sat down next to him and gently put her hand on his forearm. She told him, “Hey it’s okay, don’t hold this in. You’re dealing with enough shit without adding to it.”

He nodded, “It’s Lyndsey…”

Sam nodded and told him, “We figured that… I told Jordan what happened with you two…”

He looked at me and I nodded. I told him, “Look I understand why you did it. I know it sucks, but I understand.”

He looked back down at his unopened drink and said, “She came up and talked for a bit. The normal small talk kind of stuff. How are you? What’s going on? That type of stuff. It was when she told me that she was glad that I was supporting you two. That’s when something clicked.”

Sam gasped, but I was totally confused. I asked, “What clicked?”

He looked up at me and I could see his eyes were filled with tears and they were just starting to spill out. He said, “She knows Jordan, or at least she thinks she does…”

Still confused I asked, “What does she think she knows?”

He choked back a sob and said, “Me Jordan… I think she knows about me…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 18

---

---

Author's Note:I hate that it's taken me this long to finish this chapter. Unfortunately writing has had to take a pretty low priority as of late. I'm still writing whenever I can, Thanksgiving break finally gave me enough of a breather to catch up some on my writing. Hope you still enjoy.-~Rebecca

Before

He nodded, “It’s Lyndsey…”

Sam nodded and told him, “We figured that… I told Jordan what happened with you two…”

He looked at me and I nodded. I told him, “Look I understand why you did it. I know it sucks, but I understand.”

He looked back down at his unopened drink and said, “She came up and talked for a bit. The normal small talk kind of stuff. How are you? What’s going on? That type of stuff. It was when she told me that she was glad that I was supporting you two. That’s when something clicked.”

Sam gasped, but I was totally confused. I asked, “What clicked?”

He looked up at me and I could see his eyes were filled with tears and they were just starting to spill out. He said, “She knows Jordan, or at least she thinks she does…”

Still confused I asked, “What does she think she knows?”

He choked back a sob and said, “Me Jordan… I think she knows about me…”

Now

Sam gasped, “Oh my God!” as she quickly held her hands over her mouth in surprise.

I blurted out, “Wait… Huh? How could she know? Sam and I haven’t said anything Brett. I promise.”

He nodded and said, “I know you haven’t… It was… We had been talking… She had known I had been pushing people away… First her. Then my friends on the team. She talked about how she wanted to be there for me. Then she said she was glad that I was here supporting you two… She realized that you two were the only ones I’ve been hanging around lately… That was when… I saw it in her eyes man… She knows…”

I glanced worriedly at Sam and then back to Brett, who was in full blown tears by now. I told him, “Okay… So, she might know. Would that be terrible if she knew what was up? She’s cool with me and Sam, I’m positive she’d be okay with you.”

“No… How could she be? It’s different Jordan… Our situation is different. She was supposed to be... Ya know… The one.”, he told me while shaking his head violently.

I was confused for a moment before I realized what he meant, I asked, “You were planning on her being the girl you were going to marry?”

He nodded trying to hold back tears, “Yeah… We had even talked about it… After college. I only suggested we break up to spare her all this… At least until I could make it go away again. I have to make it go away.”

Sam gently said, “Brett. You know it never will truly go away… You know that, don’t you?”

He started rocking slightly as he said, “I made it go away once… Maybe I can do it again.”

I rested my hand on his shoulder and softly told him, “No Brett… You repressed it after what your Dad did to you. It never went away… Even if you could repress it again, would you go back to Lyndsey then?”

He shrugged his shoulders and muttered, ‘Maybe… I’d probably try to… I love her Jordan. I really do… She was my best friend.”

I smiled sadly and told him, “Then you need to talk to her. Tell her the truth. Trust me on that okay. You saw what happened with me and Sam when I kept this from her… Talk to Lynds, okay?”

He closed his eyes and a single tear slipped down his cheek as he said, “How?!? How do I tell her this? It’ll hurt her even worse… Won’t it?”

Sam told him, “She’s already hurting Brett, she’s just not sure why. Even if she has a general idea. She needs to know the truth. It will help her heal, I promise.”

He asked, “And then what? Do you think she’d take me back? How could she?”

Sam responded, “I don’t know if she’ll consider dating someone who’s trans… She’s really cool with me and Jord though… You never know.”

I told him, “You said she was your best friend?”, he nodded so I continued, “If you had the option of her still being your friend or her not being in your life at all, what would you pick?”

He thought for a few moments, then after wiping some tears away with the back of his hand he said softly, “I want her in my life, without a doubt… You’re both right. I need to tell her… But how? When do I do it?”

Sam said, “If she already suspects then you need to do it now or if not now, then as soon as possible.”

He nodded, “Okay. I hate to ask… Would you two mind? Uh…”

Sam smiled, “Of course I’ll be with you if you want. Right Jordan?”

I chuckled, “Do you really have to ask? Brett you’re my friend and you both know how I stand by my friends.”

Brett softly smiled, “Yeah I do… Thank you. Both of you.”

Sam asked him, “So when do you want to do this?”

He thought for a moment and said, “You both seem to think the sooner the better… Can we try to do it today? At least before I chicken out…”

I nodded, “Well I do have the whole afternoon free… Do you want to do it here?”

He nodded, “If you don’t mind. I feel safe here… I’d like to go home and clean up first though…”

Sam nodded, “Yeah me too… So, in about two hours then? I can call her and get her to come over then.”

Brett told her, “That sounds good to me.”

I thought hard for a moment, I knew my parents wouldn’t mind us doing this here but with what was going on I knew they needed to have a bit of a clue what is going on. I asked him, “Brett… Can I tell my parents what’s going on? I understand if you don’t want me to, but I really think an adult other than your parents need to know… Plus it would make sure they wouldn’t interrupt us when this happens… I promise they won’t say anything, and they’ll support you too…”

Sam agreed, “Yeah Brett that’s a good idea, his parents are really cool like that.”

He slowly nodded, “Okay… I’m just scared though…”

I gave him a hug, “I get it man… Trust me… You have every right to be scared… Fuck that, terrified even… I do promise that we’ll be here for you, okay?”

He nodded, and with much more determination that I had seen from him in the last few hours he got up and offered to give Sam a lift home. A few minutes later I waved as they drove off and then went to the living room to talk to my parents.

Our conversation didn’t take too terribly long, even with the surprised gasps from mom and the concerned glances my Dad gave me. They both told me they understood and that they were proud of me and Sam and how we were trying to help our friend. They both promised to give us our space, but also reminded me that they were here if we needed them and to not hesitate to ask for help. Logically I knew that we’d need adults but for the moment I hoped that we could handle this. Right now, I truly believed that for now Brett just needed our support, and we were going to give it to him.

About forty-five minutes later I had showered and made it back to my bedroom to get dressed. I was wanting comfy clothing but going through my clothes I found everything that I had once considered comfort clothes were now gone. It wasn’t due to my Mom removing everything because it was guy stuff either. Nothing that I had owned before, other than my shirts, fit anymore. Even my old baggy jeans weren’t baggy enough to get past my hips and ass with how I’ve been filling out. I sighed dramatically and closed my eyes and dug into my jean drawer and picked out some randomly. I did the same with my shirts. I ended up with a pair of high wasted jeans Mom had found at Old Navy, they were made from this stretchy material and felt really soft.

I quickly shimmied into the jeans, they were tight but not uncomfortable. The soft stretchy material made them fit like a glove though, and they showed off every curve. I sighed as I noticed how well they actually fit, part of me was still uncomfortable but the other part of me was acceptance… I think. For the most part though I didn’t mind how they made me look, that was until I was checking out my ass in the mirror when I noticed I could see the lines from my underwear clearly showing, the jeans were that freaking snug. I didn’t want Mom or even Sam to notice the obvious lines if they even looked at my butt. Then I remembered how Sam normally checks me out and I blushed when I realized that I actually wanted her to check me out.

I quickly ripped the jeans off and started to look for something else to wear when I just sank back down to sit on my bed. I still wanted to fight my changes and to say to hell with all of this, but I remembered how stressful it was for everyone around me when I struggled… I wiped my eyes, at least this time I hadn’t broken down in tears, but they were still uncomfortably moist. I silently got up and swapped out my underwear for the other ones Mom had bought. She had told me that she wouldn’t force me to wear them but wanted me to have them when I was ready. I honestly didn’t think I was truly ready for this though. It had been awhile since I had uttered my mantra but standing here in a bra with a matching thong uncomfortably flossing my ass cheeks, I needed the reminder for myself. I repeatedly mumbled, “It’s still better than the alternative…”, until I at least could partially believe it.

Once I had regained my resolve, I took another glance in my mirror at the girl standing there. I noticed what was left of my manhood, while it never had gotten hard, was noticeably obvious in the front of the soft cotton thong. I frowned as I realized how wrong that looked, so I gently tucked it like I had read about and then marveled once again at my reflection. I felt my skin tingle slightly as a shiver passed through my body. Other than the shaggy brownish blonde mop on her head this girl looked like she could be an underwear model. For a quick moment I thought about finally getting a haircut to match the new me, but quickly tossed that idea aside. I just put on a pair of thongs without someone holding a gun to my head, one major hurdle at time was all I could handle. I quickly got dressed back in my jeans and maroon polo shirt. I had just put on socks and my Chucks when I heard the doorbell ring. I quickly shouted I’d get it and sprinted downstairs to open the door. When I opened the door instead of finding either Brett or Sam like I was expecting, I found Lyndsey standing there nervously.

Surprised I said, “Hey Lynds… You’re early…”

She glanced around and asked, “Should I come back then? I can…”

I shook my head, “No, come on in. It’s just you beat everyone else back is all.”

I quickly lead her into the kitchen and asked, “You want a drink or anything?”

“A diet coke if you have one…”, she said and was quiet for a moment and asked, “Is Brett… I don’t know how to ask this, but Brett. Does he?”

I was grabbing the cans of soda and glasses, so I quickly interrupted her and said, “Lynds I can’t say anything right now… It’s not my issue to tell… What did Sam tell you?”

She shrugged, “Not much… She told me that Brett really needed to talk and that I needed to come over here. When I asked her why I had to come here she just said that it was a safe place and that we both had support here… Jordan I’m worried about him… Can you tell me if he’s okay?”

I started pouring the soda and sighed, “He’s trying to be… Right now, he’s dealing with a shit ton of stuff… Sam and I don’t even know everything he’s dealing with… We want to help him though… That’s why we offered to do this here. He’s a really good guy Lynds, he needs us to be there for him…”

She wiped a tear away, “He’s a great guy… At least before his Dad left and all the crap started happening… He pushed everyone away, even me… He became so damn focused on football and quit spending time with anyone… Then you two came along and the way he’s supporting you two… I just started thinking that he might… Be more into you two than me… I’ve read that some guys like… You know umm… prefer trans girls…”

I was shocked and couldn’t answer for a minute before I blurted out, “That’s not it, I swear… Trust me, he only wants to be with you… That I do know.”

She looked like she didn’t want to believe me, but before I could say anything the doorbell chimed. I looked to make sure that she’d be okay for a second and ran to get the door. Thankfully it was Sam standing there, her hair still damp from her shower. I sighed in relief and gave her a quick kiss and led her into the kitchen with Lyndsey. While they were talking, I sent Brett a quick text and less than a minute later I got the response that he was almost here.

I asked, “Sam why don’t you show her up to my room while I’ll wait here for the big guy okay?”

She nodded and quickly led Lynds up the stairs. I roughly sat down in the chair and took a deep breath. I had been worried about Brett and if he could make it through this, but right now I was worried if I could handle it. Sitting there and watching Lyndsey be so heartbroken actually made my chest hurt. All I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it will be okay. I was trying to figure out when I got so touchy feely, because I knew this was something new that had snuck up on me. I was lost in thought when the sound of Brett’s car pulling up brought me out of it. I went and opened the door as he was about to knock.

I told him, “I’m so glad you’re back… Lynds got her about twenty minutes ago. She tried asking questions, but I didn’t tell her much of anything…”

He looked scared when he asked in a small voice, “So she already knows?”

I shook my head, “No… She thought you were a… Shit I don’t know how to say this, but she though you were a chaser…”

He looked confused and asked, “A chaser?” I guess when he said the words it finally clicked, and he muttered, “She thought I was into Sam and you like that? Shit that’s even worse… All I’ve wanted was her…”

I nodded, “I know! I told her that… That’s all I said though… C’mon and let’s get upstairs to break up the girls and whatever they’re talking about now…”

Before I could get the door closed, I heard Brett gasp and as I turned around, I saw Mom. I inwardly groaned, I thought she was going to give us some space.

He glanced at me and back towards my mother and asked, “Did he tell you?” Mom gently nodded, and he told her, “I’m sorry…”

She quickly stepped up towards him and reassured him, “Sweetie you have nothing to apologize for.” She waited for a moment for him to say something but all he did was look down ashamed. She gently cupped his cheeks with her hands and directed him to look up at her and she gently told him, “You’ve been a good friend to Jordan. You’ve stood up for him and Sam both. You’re a good bo… Person… You don’t have to be sorry for anything okay?”

He tried to nod as a few tears spilled out he sputtered, “I just… I didn’t know what… I’m just so scared of what’s going to happen… When… If this gets out…”

I thought mom was going to start to cry and I was afraid I might to, but I stoically tried to sniff the damn moisture out of my eyes. Mom let go of his face and wrapped him in a hug as she asked, “Jordan told us that you felt safe here.”

He softly told her, “Yes Ma’am… I do…”

She smiled and told him, “I’m glad that you do… It’s still a safe place. You are welcome anytime you need okay?”

After the moment was over Mom went back into the living room with Dad. I looked at Brett and asked, “So you ready for this?”

He snorted while wiping his eyes, “Hell no! Not at all… But let’s do it anyway…”

I giggled, “That’s the spirit, come on and let’s do this…”

He half laughed and snorted as he told me, “You are so weird… You know that, right?”

Walking up the stairs I chuckled and told him, “Hey that’s just part of my charm.” He just followed me chuckling softly.

When I opened the door to my room, I saw Sam and Lynds hugging, I paused and asked, “Is this a good time or should we wait?”

Sam shook her head as she let go of the hug and told us, “No come on in.”

I entered my bedroom and noticed that Brett had paused outside in the hallway trembling. I gently went back and grasped his big hand and pulled him inside. I reassured him, “Dude you’ve got this okay…” Hesitantly he let me lead him into the room.

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence with Brett staring at his feet, it was Lynds who spoke first, “Hi… Sam told me you needed to talk to me, so I’m here… I’m here whenever you’re ready…”

He slowly looked up at her and said, “Lynds I’m so sorry… I never meant to hurt you… You were the last person I ever wanted to hurt…”

She softly asked, “Then why did you push me away…”

He sighed, “Because I was trying to not hurt you. At least not as bad as if you knew what was really going on…”

She responded, “But that hurt me too Brett…” She paused for a moment and then sighed, “You already know that though… I was starting to think that you were sticking by Sam and Jordan because you liked them more than me because of… Well, you know?”

He shook his head and told her, “I do like them, but not like that…As friends, I swear… Lyndsey I only tried to keep this from you because I… I love you… I was afraid if you knew the truth… That you’d hate me… I couldn’t handle that…”

Confused she asked, “Why do you think that I’d hate you over the truth? Did you want to break up with me or something? Dammit what is going on Brett?!?

He looked up unable to maintain eye contact with her and softly said, “I’ve been supportive of Sam and Jordan not because I like them like that… I’ve been supporting them because I’m like them…”

Lyndsey looked confused for a moment, then looked at the both of us and then it dawned on her. Surprised she said, “Wait… You’re trans?” He nodded at her while biting his lower lip. She appeared stunned for several moments and asked again, “So you’re transgender like them?”

He told her, “Yeah… Sort of… I mean… Like Sam I feel that I should have always been a girl… But like Jordan I never wanted to be… I don’t want this Lynds. I’ve been trying to make it go away again…” the first sob broke from him as he shook. Between the sobs he was able to get out, “It won’t… Go… Away… I’ve tried…Nothing works… I’m sorry…”

I started towards him, but Sam held me back, I was about to tell her to let me go when Lyndsey finally got up and wrapped her arms around him. He just kept repeating how sorry he was as she led him and sat him down on the bed cradling his head to her chest. She was whispering something in his ear as he cried.

I didn’t know what to do, so the next few minutes were some of the most uncomfortable I’ve ever had. I wanted to be there and support my friends, both of them. It was Sam holding me that got me through it. Sometime after they had sat down Sam gently wrapped her arms around me from behind and just simply held me until they were through. When Brett finally recovered it was Lyndsey who spoke first.

“Brett tell me everything okay… You don’t have to be afraid.”

He nodded and then started pouring out his soul to her, well us. He first started telling her what he had said to me in the hospital. About how he would play in his mom’s things, and then the beating his father gave him when he got caught. How he had been able to hide it way until he thought it was gone forever. How when Sam came out those feelings came back. Then he started telling her things that Sam and I hadn’t even heard about.

He told us how he had gone to his parents for help, not for help to transition but to make it go away again. His father had exploded, but his Mom had asked him if he was sure that was what he wanted. Then his father went off on his Mom, and when it looked like it was going to get physical how Brett stepped in and threw his dad to the floor. How he had threatened his father if he ever raised his hand to his mother again. It was shortly after that his dad left taking his clothes and shortly after had taken everything else. He had taken all the money out of the bank and leaving them both broke with no way to pay the bills. His mother had quit working while pregnant and his father wouldn’t ever let her return to work, she was supposed to be the dutiful housewife. That had been several months ago.

He then told us how his mom was struggling and trying to get a job but had only been able to do data entry type stuff as a stay at home work program. They had been staying afloat, but just barely. He told us how his only chance right now was to get a scholarship, and while he had good grades he hadn’t been worried to bother trying to apply for any academic scholarships. Football was his only chance. Even if he thought he could transition into something semi-passable he couldn’t risk his chance for an athletic scholarship. He told us how supportive his mother had been and how she said she’d be there no matter if he transitioned or not. He then told us the really bad news. It seemed that the divorce summons had been delivered a few weeks ago and they had until the second week of November before they had to appear in court. There was no way that his mother could afford an attorney and then he told us about the threats his father had made…

If his mother was to sign away the house and everything else, they could both walk away, with nothing but the clothes on their back. If they tried to fight, he was going to fight for custody and bring to light how his mother had turned his son into a sissy freak. He was going to out Brett to everyone in his anger, no matter how much it would hurt his son. There was no guarantee though he wouldn’t out Brett even if they did comply with his demands. They were trapped and no longer had any options.

I was so angry I was ready to beat the asshole to death, but it got my mind to working with an idea. I told Brett, “You have to fight him Brett. You can’t let him win.”

He asked, “But how? We can’t get an attorney… Nobody will take on Dad’s lawyer without cash up front, cash we don’t have.”

I sighed then I had an idea, I told him, “I have an idea, but I need to talk to my Mom first… Still you can’t let him win Brett. It sounds like he will out you no matter what just to ruin you. Please trust me okay.”

Lyndsey spoke, “Jordan’s right… Your father is enough of a judgmental asshole that he would out you even if you walked away just out of vindictiveness. It wouldn’t matter to him what happened to you… He’d probably think you deserved it…”

Sam agreed, “Brett they’re right… I don’t know how we could stop him from talking, and he probably will just be thinking that it would be an even bigger win for him.”

Brett looked really frustrated and asked, “But how will we fight him, remember we don’t have a lawyer!”

I told him, “Let me ask some favors okay? I think I know someone who can help.”

Brett looked confused and then Sam smiled big as she remembered, “Brett trust him…”

He looked at me and snorted, “Let me guess you know people?”

I laughed, “Well it’s more like I know people who know people… No promises but I have a good feeling they can help with that… Don’t worry about it.”

He sighed, “Okay… Weirdly I do trust you… So, what about if or when he talks, and everyone knows about me… Even if I’m not trying to transition or anything. Just people knowing, if it got out it could kill my chances for a scholarship.”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… Except if he does, we’re here for you dude. We’re not going anywhere, understand?”

Sam nodded, and Lyndsey spoke up, “Bet your sweet bippy, we’ll all be here for you. If it comes to that we can get the whole softball team by you too.”

Brett looked at her intently for a few quick seconds, “You don’t know how glad I am that you are still here… Are we… Friends at least? Do you think you could? Well after knowing about me… Think we could go back to being… more?”

Lyndsey sadly smiled, “Brett I don’t know… I’m sorry but I don’t. I do still care about you… I’ll always want you as my friend… I just don’t know if I could be romantically involved… With a girl… I’ve never even thought about it.”

He looked down and sighed, “Well you don’t have to worry about me transitioning… I’d make a huge ugly woman…”

She smiled, “Actually I don’t think you’d look that bad… You’d be tall but…” Lyndsey started grinning mischievously.

Brett hadn’t noticed her grin, but my curiosity was about to drive me nuts, I asked her, “So what are you thinking?”

She grinned and said, “I have an idea how to get ahead of anything his father might say. First off though we need to see what you’d look like as a girl.”

Brett looked torn and stunned. He asked, “What you mean like right now? Here?”

She laughed, “No not here… I don’t think anyone here has anything that would fit… No, I’m talking about something totally different. You know how magicians always use misdirection in their acts?”

I glanced at Sam and she appeared as confused as I am. Brett asked, “Yeah, so are we supposed to do magic?”

She gently shoved him while giggling, “No, you big dummy, we need something highly public. What better kind of misdirection is there than telling the truth, but in a way that makes it appear to be a joke?”

Stunned, Brett asked, “You want me to go out in public? How do we do that and make it not look anything but obvious?”

She smiled, “Duh… Remember our Halloween dance is in a few weeks?”

Brett looked at her in disbelief and slowly said, “Yeah…”

She giggled, “Well I do kind of need a date… I have the perfect costume in mind…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 19

---

---

Author's Note:Well both of my daughters were busy today, one was working and the other was spending time with friends. Also being the first Saturday that I haven't had to work in months I didn't know what else to do, so I got this chapter typed out... Thankfully I already have the last bit of this story all written out in my head, so its just a matter of having the time to type it out. We still have 6-7 chapters left to go, and as wordy as I can get it might be 8-9, we'll just have to see. Thank you all for following this with me, I really and truly appreciate your comments and kudos. Much love to you all and hope you enjoy.~Rebecca

Stunned, Brett asked, “Just what kind of costume do you have in mind?”

Lyndsey laughed, “Just something I think we can get away with. If we camp it up enough it would come across as just a costume… Besides, you also won’t be the only one to be crossdressing for the dance.”

Brett looked over and glanced at me, I spoke up, “Uh no way, not me. The last thing I want to do is go dressed as a girl.”

Lyndsey frowned, “I was talking about me. If Brett and I go in matching costumes, but I go as the guy… Nobody would be the wiser. It would just look like a fun couples costume. If your Dad does say anything, we can play it off as he was just a pissed off ass about the costume. If we play our cards right that’s all it will be seen as.”

I sighed, “Oh… Thank God. For a second I thought you were going to try to talk me into a dress or something…”

Sam said, “That’s actually a really good idea Lynds. I think that would probably work.”

Lyndsey smiled and then looked at me, ‘You told us this morning that eventually you might have to present as female… The dance might be a good dry run for you too.”

I sighed, “I know… It’s just that I want to hold off doing that for as long as I can.” Tapping my temple, I said, “I’m still mostly guy up here.”

Sam asked, “Mostly?”

I sighed, “Yeah… Mostly… The hormones have been affecting more that just my body… I’ve started noticing other things… I’m getting a lot more in touch with my emotions and also how other people feel… I’m still trying to get used to that…”

Brett told me, “Jordan being a sensitive guy isn’t a bad thing you know?”

I sighed, “Yeah I know… It’s just something else I’m having to adjust to… Still I’m not ready to go out in public presenting as a girl.”

Lyndsey softly spoke up, “Jordan don’t take this the wrong way… Looking at you right now, you already look like a girl. Even if it wasn’t for seeing you this morning, I would think you were a girl now if I didn’t know you.”

I groaned, “I know… The way my body keeps filling out though this is the best I can do…”

I felt Sam gently place her hand on my shoulder as I sighed. Lyndsey asked, “Are you wearing women’s clothes now? I know the jeans are, even with your shirt not being tucked in.”

I nodded, “Yeah they are… Guys jeans don’t really fit me anymore. If they fit around my hips and butt, they’re too loose in the waist…”

Sam moved around and took a look at me and said, “She’s right. I wasn’t paying attention with everything going on, but Jordan those are clearly women’s jeans. Here, tuck your shirt in and put on this belt.”, she directed as she slid her belt out of her own jeans.

Groaning, I did as she said and quickly slid her belt through the loops. My waist was almost too narrow for her belt to fit. As I was modeling my outfit to my friends Lyndsey spoke up, “Damn Jordan… I’m jealous of your figure. I can’t do anything to gain weight and here you are… Damn it’s not fair.” She laughed at the end.

I told her, “I’m sorry… I didn’t ask for this you know?”

Sam was nodding appreciatively, “She’s right though… You look amazing.” I couldn’t help but blush a bit at the compliment and how she was staring at me.

It was then when Lyndsey embarrassed me when she said, “I always worry about wearing jeans that fit like that. I’m always afraid my panty lines are going to show.” I turned bright red, I could feel it. She gasped and then slightly giggled, “Oh my God… Jordan are you wearing what I think you’re wearing?”

I couldn’t say anything, but the bright red on my face probably spoke enough. Sam quickly took a glance at my behind and she muttered, “Damn…” She then got a pained look in her face and quickly sat down and tried crossing her legs. She softly muttered, “That’s uncomfortable…”

Confused I told her, “Well at first they were… I had sort of forgotten I was wearing them until Lynds brought it up…”

She looked embarrassed as she looked up at the ceiling and said, “That’s not exactly what I’m talking about… I wear them too Jord…” At our confused expressions she said, “This is embarrassing… I don’t know how to explain this… Umm… I wish someone would shoot me now… I guess I’, going to need to talk to my Dr. to see about getting my blockers increased…”

Lyndsey’s eyes opened wide and she covered her mouth in her hands trying to stop from giggling. Brett and I both looked confused, I asked, “Why?”

She groaned in embarrassment and told me, “Imagining you in a pair of thongs… I umm…”

Brett got it before me, I guess because I’d never experienced one myself, he suddenly blurted out, “Dude you gave your girlfriend a boner…”

Sam turned bright red and said, “Jesus Brett! Did you have to say it that way?”

Lyndsey couldn’t contain herself anymore as she started laughing hard. Sam was the first to join in with her, quickly followed by Brett. Myself on the other hand didn’t laugh, something else was going through my mind and it wasn’t funny to me. I don’t know if it was because I had never experienced a hard on myself, or that I had forgotten that Sam even had a dick. It was the thought that her thinking about me like that excited her, and it made me feel really good inside. Like super tingly gooey good. I wasn’t even bothered thinking that I made someone hard like that, hell after all it was Sam, my girlfriend. That part didn’t matter to me at all. So far in our relationship it had always been me that showed visible signs, either the goosebumps or how my body would shiver and tingle. Realizing that I was able to turn her on like that gave me a sense of… I wasn’t sure… I didn’t know if it was liberating, empowering, or something along those lines. All I knew is it felt good and excited me. Like a lot…

When Sam made eye contact with me, I didn’t know what really overcame me. I was intending to just tease her, but I slowly walked over to where she was sitting and then straddled her lap. I looked her directly in her eyes and softly said, “I didn’t know I could do that to you.”

She nodded softly and asked, “It doesn’t freak you out or anything? Me getting… You know? Hard?” I shook my head and she asked, “Positive?”

I smiled and told her, “Here’s how positive I am.” I then gently leaned in and kissed her softly on her lips. I felt her hands as they wrapped around me, one of them gently cupping one of my butt cheeks, she then returned the kiss a bit more passionately. After a few moments I heard Lynsey cough and clear her throat, so I pulled back. I asked, “Did that answer your question?” Sam gently nodded and smiled while biting her lip.

Brett snarked, “Geez after that I think we’re going to have to go take a cold shower… Damn dude…” Lynsey snorted while giggling.

Sam gently pushed me back off her lap and started to get up and told us, “I’ll be right back I really need to go to the bathroom now.” She glared at Brett and Lyndsey who were trying to fight back their giggling, she then stated with an embarrassed grin, “If you must know it’s because something is pinching right now pretty bad.” That made Brett wince, but Lyndsey only giggled harder.

A few minutes later when Sam returned, we had mostly recovered, other than Lyndsey was still wiping tears from her laughing so hard. Which only made Sam smirk and try to glare at her some more like she was mad.

Lyndsey took a deep breath and asked me, “Well since you don’t want to go looking like a girl, what do you think you’d go as Jordan?”

I shrugged, “I was thinking something along a famous athlete or something.”

Sam giggled, “Well you are an athlete that doesn’t require much imagination.”

I laughed, “Yeah in soccer and baseball, but I was thinking something more like Larry Bird though.”

Sam’s eyes opened wide before she started snickering, and Brett laughed loudly. It was Lyndsey who looked lost. She asked, “What’s so funny about that? Who is he?”

Brett answered, “He was the power and small forward for the Boston Celtics for like a really long time.”

Lyndsey looked lost, and asked, “So what makes that so funny.”

Sam answered, “The Celtics are a professional basketball team Lynds.”

Lyndsey’s eyes opened wide as she stated, “So he’s like tall right?”

Brett snickered, “Yeah, dude was almost seven feet tall Lynds, if not he was only a few inches shy of it.”

I laughed and told her, “Yeah he’s like six foot nine or ten. I thought it would be hilarious with me being five foot nothing. I could get a fake moustache and everything. So, it would be like totally opposite of me.”

Lyndsey laughed gently, “Okay that sort of makes sense… Since we’re going to be matching what are you going to do Sam?”

She was lost in thought and said, “I just had an idea… Jordie sort of gave it to me… How about since you two are going to match, how about Jordan and I not match… This is a really cool idea, and its nothing about sports…”

I was curious and asked, “So what’s the idea?”

She blushed, “I’d rather not say yet… I might not be able to pull it off. Look Lyndsey want’s their costume to be a surprise… Would you mind ours to be a surprise too?”

I shrugged, “I guess not… I don’t mind… I was kind of afraid that you all would fight harder to get me in a girl’s outfit for this…”

Lyndsey looked sort of embarrassed, but Sam spoke up, “Look I’m not going to lie, I’d love to see how you could look all dressed up. I think you’d be smoking hot… I know how it bothers you though… I promised that I wouldn’t force you into anything you’re not ready for and I meant it okay?”

I nodded, “Thanks Sam… I know I’ll probably be there by next Halloween, but now… I’d just rather not you know?”

We all talked for a bit more, before Lynds and Brett left. It seems they had a lot to talk about, and now that the ice had been broken with us here, they had a lot to talk about in private. Sam and I totally understood that. Sam stayed for a bit longer, and I’ll admit we did make out a good bit even with us leaving our clothes on. I will say that with the way her and her hands make me feel, the easier it’s getting to accept my changes.

Later that evening I was talking to my parents as we ate dinner when I dropped the bomb on my mother. She wasn’t really happy with me, she told me it was asking a lot, but she’d see what she could do. While she wasn’t truly upset once I had told her the situation with Brett and his mom, she understood why I was at least trying. She did promise me that she’d do what she could but wouldn’t make any promises. I respected that, I just hoped that it would be enough. Brett and his Mom could use some good news for a change.

I caught myself posing that night looking in the mirror. I was seeing once again how I looked in my underwear and thinking about Sam and how she had reacted when she found out about my thong. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty turned on and before I knew what was happening, I found myself making sultry poses in the mirror, the whole time imagining that Sam was in the mirror. Leave it to me to embarrass myself like that.

The following Monday I was beyond nervous. Even with the correct size sport bra my breasts were still pretty obvious under my shirt, on top of that I was wearing another pair of stretchy jeans that looked painted on. My shaggy hair no longer was looking like a shaggy boy’s style, but rather an unkept tomboy’s hairstyle. If I had a hair band, I could just put it into a ponytail even if it would only be maybe two inches long. Maybe I’ll have to ask Sam if I could borrow one, it would at least keep my hair out of my face.

Walking into the school that morning I was a nervous wreck, even though as dressed down as I was, I was no longer trying to hide my changes. From the surprised faces that we passed crossing the street to the school I realized just how obvious it was. I hesitated for a small second but with a quick squeeze of her hand Sam pulled me on. The girls had known that I was going to be doing this, so it was no surprise to see I had a whole gaggle of softball players there to meet me at the entrance. For a brief second, I started to feel extremely small when they started surrounding me, I knew they were only doing it to protect me. All those years I had always been the one to jump in and protect others, I’d had Brett jump in a few times, but never anything like this. I almost got a bit mad, but then it hit me how much they cared, and that realization got me choked up.

I stopped, and the girls paused and looked concerned at me. I guess it was obvious I was holding back tears or something. I cleared my throat and told them, “Guys… Thank you… For everything… I wanted you to know that okay… No matter what happens from here on out, thank you for being here… It means… It really means a lot to me… Okay?” I wiped my eyes a bit as they all gave me a group hug. Moments later we were at my locker and shortly afterwards I found myself walking into my home room, alone for the first time since I woke up this morning.

The stares and the snickering started immediately as I walked to my seat. Teddy was staring at me like I’d grown two heads or something… Oh that’s right because it was obvious now that I had grown two boobs instead. I groaned and spun around facing him, “What Teddy? You have something to say? Say it!”

Before he could say anything, the tardy buzzer rang, and everyone quieted down for rollcall. I sat there and glared at him until he turned to face forward. I sat there, and my anger started simmering at all the laughing and little verbal barbs I kept hearing whispered in my direction. Shortly after Coach Bowen had finished with attendance, I couldn’t handle it anymore. So, I stood up.

I asked loudly, “Coach can I make an announcement? It won’t take long.”

I knew he had known what my condition had entailed, after all there had been a staff wide email about me at the beginning of school once they realized the rumors about me dying were false. Thankfully, he was able to cover up his initial shock at my appearance rather quickly as he nodded, “If this is what I think it’s about, it’s probably a good idea. Go ahead Jordan.”

Glaring at everyone who was staring at me while laughing at my expense I said firmly, “To stop any stupid rumors I’m going to tell you all what’s going on and why I’m like this. Everybody here knows that I almost died last year and how bad sick I was when they pulled me out of school. When they finally found out what was wrong, they did what they had to do to save me. This”, I motioned to my body, “Is the side effect of what was done. Because of a faulty gene my hormones were poisoning me, if they hadn’t of acted when they did, I’d be dead right now. So, if you think I’m going to be bothered by your juvenile bullshit, you’re going to have to try harder.” I noticed Coach’s expression and I apologized, “Sorry Coach, I couldn’t think of any other way to put it.”

He nodded sternly, “Don’t let it happen again Jordan…”

Stacy, a girl didn’t really know asked, “What did they have to do?”

I said loudly, “They performed a bilateral orchiectomy on me.” At several confused expressions, I elaborated, “They castrated me.”

I saw most of the guys in the class wince, including the coach. I heard Teddy swallow hard and whisper, “Fuck…”

I continued, “Without any hormones I’d be at a high risk for my bones weakening, cancer and a whole ton of other problems. So, they had to prescribe estrogen to keep me healthy… I promise you I’ll do ANYTHING to keep from going back into the hospital again.”

Another girl asked, “So you’re transitioning like Samantha?”

I shook my head, “Kind of, but not like Sam… I never wanted this to happen. Regardless of how my body is changing and how I look right now, I still think of myself as a guy. Look, I know what I look like. I spent the last few months terrified of what was happening. Bottom line it was this or I was going to die. This! This alternative! It’s far better than anything that I’ve already faced.”

I glanced around at the class, I noticed Rick staring at me proudly and he nodded. I finished, “I’ve already faced and beaten the Grim Reaper once… There is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing that you can say or do that will faze me, I promise you that!” With that I sat back down firmly.

The classroom was silent for several moments, when I heard someone start to clap. I glanced over and saw it was Rick as he stood up. I’d guess a little over half the class stood up and joined him. I went from pissed off to embarrassed in about five seconds flat. As everything quieted down Rick said loud enough for the class to hear, “Dude no matter what they had to remove… You’ve still got the biggest balls of steel of anyone that I’ve known.”

One of the guys laughed and said, “Yeah but now they’re on his chest.”

A girl that was sitting next to him suddenly spun around and slapped him pretty hard, “You know what? I think its time that you find someone else to date.” Looking at me and said, “Sorry Jordan… I’m glad you’re still here okay. Rick is right sort in a way. You’re the bravest person that I’ve seen.”

The last few minutes of homeroom was rather quiet after that, Teddy never looked back or said anything to me. He was lost in his own thoughts, he hadn’t said anything stupid, so I just left him alone. The rest of the day was eerily similar, except by the time I made it to my last class with Sam all the whispers and laughter had ceased. At least where I or my friends could hear them.

The rest of the week no one bothered me at all. It was weird, I had expected it to be bad, but this was scarily calm. It seems that most of the guys were so terrified at the thought of having to have their nuts removed, they didn’t have the heart to joke with me about it. It seems more of the girls were a lot more accepting though, even being nicer to me than they were initially to Sam. Some of them were actually pretty rude to her at the start of school, but as the last couple of months had progress most of them had begun to treat her like any other girl. Except for a select few, specifically the Barbie rejects who ignored both of us these days. It seemed there was still a few of the guys though that still hated me, but other than a few glances nothing was said. It still gave me a pretty uncomfortable feeling.

On Tuesday Brett cornered me at my locker at the end of the day. First thing he said was, “Hey I wanted you to know that my Mom got a phone call this morning for an interview.”

I actually was relieved, I told him, “Hey that’s good news, right? Is it for a good job?”

He nodded and asked, “She got the job by the way, she just texted me during my last class. Answer me honestly Jordan. Did you have anything to do with this?”

I shook my head, “No dude I swear I didn’t. I’m not even fifteen yet, how in the hell could I help her get a job?”

He stared at me for a moment and said, “Her interview was with a Mrs. Taylor… For a secretary at a pretty prestigious law firm here in town.”

My eye’s opened wide, “Oh shit…”

He blurted out, “Yeah oh shit, now what did you do? I know you had something to do with it.”

I stammered, “Maybe… I don’t know… I only asked Mom if there was a way that they could help you out… I was thinking that maybe they could defend you pro bono or something…” I then realized what Mom had done and covered my face in my hand. I told him, “I know how she figured out a way to help…”

Brett told me, “Jordan I know you all want to help… We don’t want handouts though…”

I shook my head, “Dude, trust me this way isn’t a handout. Mom or the Tomlinson’s don’t work that way… I promise you. They needed a secretary slash receptionist… Mom was promoted to office manager a while back and the secretary had been taking night classes, so she took over Mom’s paralegal spot when she was promoted… They had an opening… If she was qualified, your mom would get it.”

He thought for a few seconds, “Well before Dad forced her to quit, she was a secretary at the hospital…”

I told him, “See? So, her experience got her the job it’s not a handout. Will it help?”

He nodded, “Yeah… I don’t know how we can get the retainer in time though. I was thinking about selling my car.”

I laughed, “You don’t know do you?” At his blank expression I told him, “The Tomlinson’s inspire loyalty in their employees. They are awesome people Brett… One of those ways is they provide free legal services to their employees, all their employees…”

His eyes opened wide and he asked, “No shit?”

I laughed and told him, “No shit dude… All I’m going to ask is the next time you see Mom is to give her a huge hug. I only asked if she could help somewhere… This was all on her.”

He looked almost like he wanted to cry, instead he sniffed a few times and told me, “You can count on it… I just thought… Once everything came out… That we’d be alone… You know?”

I reassured him, “Not a chance Brett… Like people always tell me they are sticking by me because I’m a good guy… Dude you’re a great person. So, forget that crap about being alone… Your friends aren’t going to let you be alone. You got it?”

He looked like he was going to hug me, but also knowing that we were surrounded my students I stuck my hand out for a fist bump and grinned. He smiled as he knew I was helping to mask his ‘secret’. As he met my fist bump with his own, he told me, “Likewise short stuff. Likewise.”

On Wednesday we started softball practice, a full two and a half months before the season officially started. Even though with my status I couldn’t legally play, they still left me with little to no choice but to come help out anyway. Coach Dawson even came over to thank me after practice. Once she saw how everyone performed on the first official day of practice, she had known how much Sam and I had already gotten everyone into shape. She confided in me that the girls really wanted me to play, but she understood my situation. She did tell me that as soon as I made the decision though I was guaranteed a spot on the team. It’s not like I didn’t want to play on the team… I really did… It’s just complicated to say the least.

I had also spent the week trying to get a costume together. I had quickly vetoed being a basketball player, I couldn’t hide my bra straps with the jersey. That and I also looked like a little girl trying to play in her dad’s stuff. I thought up about half a dozen different ideas, and everything I came up with made me look stupid or even worse. I had become so frustrated I had almost just decided not to go… Then I remembered that Brett and Lyndsey would be there, and he would need our support. That and I wanted to see how Brett would look, I was positive that Lyndsey would make him look good as she could… I also couldn’t disappoint Sam, I knew how bad she wanted to go, and she had been working hard on her costume, but working even harder to keep it a secret. Not just a secret from me, but from everyone.

It was late Friday night after my shower and I was doing another one of my posing sessions in front of the mirror in my underwear… Yeah, I had gotten to where I was mostly wearing thongs now… It wasn’t because I wanted to or like them, I promise. It was just that all the jeans that Mom had bought me fit me like a second skin. I was dealing with enough stuff to have to worry about VPL’s… I was frustrated enough just knowing what that acronym stood for… Anyway, I was staring at my pretty curvy reflection and I had an idea… With my blue eyes I thought that if my hair was just a bit lighter, I could easily pull this off. Oddly enough after all the frustration I’d been having, the thought of dressing up like a girl was the least of my concerns. I really could pull this off. I just needed some help though; after all the dance was only a week away.

I thought for a few moments who I could ask and texted the first person I could think of.

Me texting {Shelly. I need some help}

Shelly {Sure Jord, anything you need.}

Me {I need help with a costume… I finally had an idea. I really really need help tho.}

Shelly { :) Of course silly. I’m excited. I can’t wait}

Me {Thx. Can we meet up tomorrow? I’ll tell you then.}

Shelly {Sure thing. NN Jord and sweet dreams}

Me {NN Shell. Thanks again, I promise you’ll like it.}

With that I sat my phone down and sighed to myself, “So this is how it begins…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 20

---

---

Author's Note:Well the muse is still plugging right along, three chapters in a week... Wow, sometimes I impress myself... Actually that's not that hard to do LOL. Well your wait for the {dramatic music ensues} costume reveal is finally over. Thank you all so much for not only following along but also for your patience and my erratic posting, much love to you all. Hope you enjoy.~Rebecca

The next morning as we sat around the breakfast table, I told my parents what I had finally decided on what costume I had decided on. Mom was immediately ecstatic thinking that I was suddenly embracing my femininity, Dad though wasn’t quite as excited. He was mostly concerned that I was being pushed faster than I was ready. It took quite a bit of convincing him that this was entirely my decision, and even how Sam had specifically told me that she wouldn’t force me. When I told Mom about how Shelly was going to help me with my costume, you would have thought someone had shot her favorite pet. It took me a moment, but I realized she was only upset because I didn’t ask her to help me. Of course, I quickly told her that I’d like her to help too. She immediately jumped out of her chair and hugged me and quickly started listing off everything we needed to get done. I looked over at Dad and he just rolled his eyes at me as if to say, you’re on your own with this bud. Thankfully the doorbell rang a few minutes later and before I went to answer it, I quickly reminded them to keep quiet about this as it was supposed to be a surprise to Sam.

There really wasn’t a whole lot to say about practice that morning, other than I did pull Shelly off to the side before we started to tell her about my idea. She actually squealed loudly when I told her my idea which got everyone’s attention. I just groaned and had to calm her down and let her know that this was secret. With what I had seen so far, with Mom’s, and now Shelly’s excitement with this, I was seriously starting to reconsider what I had gotten myself into. Unfortunately, I had already made my mind up on doing this, and as stubborn as I was, I wasn’t going to back out now.

I did confess to Sam on the ride home from practice that Shelly was giving me a hand with my costume. That really piqued her interest, and I could see the wheels turning in her head why I had asked Shelly. I told her that every idea I had come up with was lame, and now it was only a week to go and I just didn’t have time to do it by myself. She just grinned and told me how much she was looking forward to the dance. I told her that I was too, but then when she explained how this was the first dance that she was going to as, well, her… It made it clear to me how much it meant to her, I silently promised myself that I would do whatever I could to make the night as good as I could for her. Since she had already said she would like to see how I could look dressed as a girl, it just strengthened my resolve to try and be the best girl I possibly could be, at least for the dance. I still couldn’t see me ever doing the ‘be a girl’ thing every day, but I could easily do one night. Especially for Sam.

Shelly dropped Sam off first and then drove to my house. Before I got out of the car, she told me to get cleaned up and to try to at wear something slightly more to the feminine side of androgynous. When I asked why she just told me we were going to be getting stuff for a girl’s costume and it would be a lot easier on me if I dressed more the part. I just sighed and agreed, and she’d be back in about an hour and a half to take me shopping. I just groaned and headed inside. I was starting to understand the saying, a penny in for a pound.
Mom became entirely too excited when I told her what we were going to be doing this afternoon and she also agreed with Shelly that I should dress more like a girl. She quickly herded me upstairs to the bathroom and handed me this gel to put on my legs to removed what little hair that was growing on them. I started to complain, and she fussed at me and told me I’d be trying on dresses and shoes and it would look suspicious if my legs weren’t smooth. After she left me in the bathroom waiting for this crap to do its thing on my legs, I was ready to scream. After a few calming breaths I thought about how long Mom had been gently nudging me trying to get me to accept my impending girlhood. She had never been forceful and until now I had been thankful for that. I sighed knowing how little time I had till the dance and everything I had to get done. She was excited for me because I did choose this step on my own, I just wasn’t prepared for what all would come with it.

Half an hour later I was finishing drying off in my bedroom and I had just slipped on my bra and panties when Mom walked in the door. That’s when I realized I had slipped on my thongs without thinking about it. I blushed and tried my best to cover up.

She came up to me and hugged me, “Baby you don’t have to feel ashamed. I promise you. Now hand me that towel so I can see my daughter okay?”

I groaned, “Mooooom… Please don’t…”

She gently shushed me, “Jordan I know, but please humor me okay? Just for today?”

I sighed, “Fine… I know you’ve been wanting me to do this ever since my boobs started coming in good… I’m just…”

She interrupted me, “I know Jordan. Trust me on this though. If you’re going to be trying on girl’s clothes it will be a lot less embarrassing if you looked like a girl.”

I pointed at myself and said, “Too late Mom, I already do.”

She sighed, “It takes more than that to be seen as a girl Jordan, you’re smart enough to know that. A tomboy wouldn’t have ever picked out the costume you’re trying for. It will be a lot less awkward if you acted the part even just a little.”

I leaned forward and bumped my forehead on my desk and sighed dramatically, “Okay… I’ll do my best okay… What did you have in mind?”

She smiled and then kind of frowned slightly and asked, “Please don’t be too mad at me okay?”

I glanced up at her and asked, “Why? What did you do?”

She gently leaned over and picked up a shopping bag that had been sitting unseen next to my bed. She said, “Over the last few weeks… I’d occasionally see something that I thought would look good on you if you ever…Just in case you ever were ready to give it a shot… I kind of hoped that you’d be at least ready to try some of it out today, after all you’re going to be in a dress and heels in seven days… I thought you could start getting used to it some… That way you wouldn’t feel so awkward at the dance… Look we’ll go a few towns over so nobody you know will see you, it’ll be okay. Please?”

I blurted out, “Wait… What? What do you mean we? Shelly was going to be taking me.”

She grinned timidly, “Umm. She kind of called when you were in the shower… I kind of told her that I wished I was going with you two… She thought it would be a great idea. Please? I’ll mostly behave.”

I groaned, “Oh God…” I tried to glare at her, but she was looking so hopeful and excited. I really didn’t want to disappoint her, so I sighed, “Okay fine… Whatever is in the bag, just do your worst…”

She almost bounced like she was ten years old or something, “Okay. You picked out some good underwear, so first thing is this.”

She then handed me a soft cotton shirt, I thought it wasn’t that bad until I put it on. I blurted out, “Mom this doesn’t even come to my belly button!”

She told me as she handed me the next item, “I know, it’s supposed to be like that. I’ve seen girls your age wearing things like this. I know it’s a bit bold but so are you. Now here put this on.”

I looked at the offending item and could tell it was a skirt. I wanted to throw it but then glanced at my reflection and paused. I’ve seen girls wearing a top like this before, I think it’s called a crop top. It actually didn’t look too bad on me, maybe even pretty good on me once I thought about it. I easily stepped into the skirt and pulled it up fastening the button and zipper behind me and looked back at my reflection. I softly muttered, “Oh wow!”

Mom sat there silently as she watched me twist and turn while staring at my reflection. I almost didn’t think that girl could possibly be me, even though logically I knew she was. I was admiring how the skater skirt and crop top hugged my curves when she spoke up, “What do you think?”

I blushed as I admitted, “It’s not as bad as I thought it’d be… I just can’t believe that it’s me… After everything that’s happened… Wow…”

She came up behind me and brushed my bangs with her fingers and looked at me through the mirror, “You’re beautiful you know that?” I didn’t say anything and after a moment she asked, “Are you okay?”

I nodded, “Yeah I think so… I was just thinking about… Hang on let me grab my phone…” I quickly reached over to my dresser and grabbed it, moments later I had it up and pulled up my photos. The many that I had taken to track my progress, I finally stopped at the first of the ones I had taken. The last month I had been so busy I hadn’t taken any new pictures documenting how much I had changed. Comparing that emaciated seventy-pound boy to the slightly curvy one hundred and twenty-five-pound girl I had just seen in the mirror caused me to feel slightly weak, so I sat down softly on my bed.

Mom looked concerned and asked, “What are you looking at?”

I held up the phone for her to see and said, “This… Dr. Byrnes told me it would be a good idea so when the changes started happening, I could compare them to this… He knew I wasn’t looking forward to this. I guess he thought that it would help accept the changes only because I’d remember how much worse off I had been.”

She gasped, “Wow… This was from six months ago?” I nodded. She stepped back and compared the picture and me sitting there. She told me, “I hadn’t realized how much… You know what I see though?” At my raised eyebrows she said, “Jordan this picture of you was still angry. Even though you knew you were going to survive you were so upset at what you thought you had lost…”

She wasn’t telling me anything I hadn’t already figured out on my own so all I could mutter was, “I know Mom. I really was pissed off.” I glanced down at what I was wearing and said with a lot of snark, “And look at me now.”

She frowned, “Jordan… Do you honestly want to know what I see?”

I sighed, “A pretty girl who used to be your son…”

She rolled her eyes at me, “Jordan, firstly I see my child, my beautiful child who I thought I was going to lose. You’ve been through so much but with everything you’ve gone through you haven’t let it change you. And before you make a smart-ass remark, I’m not talking physically. You’ve always stood up for your friends, you’ve always stood up for what was right. Even at times I want to beat you for the way you do it, that’s still a core part of who you are. You’ve always had such a strong and beautiful light about you… Even if it is feminine is it a bad thing that your outside is finally starting to reflect your inside?”

I couldn’t help but smile at her, “You know that’s pretty corny… But thanks…”

She laughed and came over and kissed me on the forehead and told me, “If it works then corny is totally okay.”

I laughed, “It did Mom… So, what’s next?” She grinned and held up a few things of makeup. I just groaned, “Fine… Let me guess… If I didn’t wear any it’d look suspicious…”

She just nodded, and it honestly wasn’t that bad. She only put some mascara on and this cherry flavored lip gloss that reminded me of a slightly slicker version of Chap-stick. It was when she came to shoes that she realized her mistake. She had gotten me dressed up and realized she hadn’t bought me any shoes to go with the outfit. She finally suggested maybe I should just put on my other clothes again, only problem was I knew how much she was looking forward to me going out like this. I took another look in the mirror and had an idea.

“This is called a skater skirt, right?”, I asked. At her raised eyebrows I blushed and admitted, “I’ve been hanging out with Sam and the girls a lot. I hear things occasionally… Do you have a pair of black leggings with all the stuff you’ve gotten?”

She looked at me curiously and said, “Yes I do have a pair that are like capris. What do you have in mind?”

I said, “I had an idea. Get them out.” I then dug into my closet and found an old pair of black chucks that looked well worn. Then I dug in my sock drawer to find a pair of bright blue socks mom had bought but I’d never worn. Finding my stash, I quickly slid up the leggings and worked the skirt back over them. Then I slid the socks on, and then my Chucks. I unlaced the upper few pairs of eyelets, so the uppers could flop over a bit. I then slid the socks down, so they bunched above my shoes.

Turning around I faced Mom and asked, “What do you think?”

She frowned at my choice of footwear and said, “I really don’t think those go with the outfit sweetie…”

I turned back around to look in the mirror and I actually sort of liked what I saw. Wearing the black crop top, white skater skirt with some sort of geometric designs, black capri leggings, and my Chucks with the bright blue socks I couldn’t help but smile. I tried a few poses and said, “I don’t know Mom… I kind of like it. If I do decide to end up going this route being a girl, can’t I figure out the kind of girl I’d want to be?”

She sighed, “Of course sweetie… I’d just never think to ever pair that all together.”

I scrunched up my face a bit and made a few more poses. I was standing there with my hip slightly cocked and my arms crossed in front of me when Shelly’s voice startled both of us, “Oh Damn, work it bitch!” Looking in the mirror I saw her turn her head and see Mom standing there in surprise and Shelly tried to apologize, “Mrs. Taylor I’m so sorry I didn’t see you there!”

Mom giggled and told her, “I was thinking the same thing but wasn’t going to actually say it?”

Shelly tried to stifle a small giggle then she spun back towards me and asked, “So what gives with the outfit?”

Mom told her, “Since we were going shopping, I thought I could get him to try out one of the outfits I’d bought, he fought a bit but decided to give it a shot. Then I remembered I hadn’t gotten any shoes… The leggings and footwear were all his idea… I’m trying to dissuade him…”

Shelly gave me a critical look, so I crossed my arms and cocked my hip again smirking. She then laughed, “I don’t know… I’m sorry for saying it this way, but that outfit just screams ‘Sassy Bitch’… It fits her… Him… I meant him! Sorry Jordan… You just look…”

I sighed, “Shell it’s okay… I know I look like a girl.”

She smirked, “Let me finish, First I was going to say hot… Second… That look actually works for you… I like it. It screams attitude, and Jordan you have that in excess.”

I glanced back towards Mom, who was giving me a raised eyebrow, and smirked, “So are we going to do this or are we going to stand around admiring my keen fashion sense?”

Shelly giggled, and Mom actually laughed hard enough to snort once. Then she glared at me for a quick second for making her laugh that hard, and then threw one of the pillows that were on my bed at me. Once they both recovered and quit harassing me over my remark about my fashion sense, they both argued about if I should carry a purse. Neither of them would take anything I had to say into consideration. Shelly won the argument saying that I probably wouldn’t utilize a purse, but one of the cutesy tiny backpacks would be right up my alley… So, I ended up with a tiny ass black leather backpack equipped with a tiny mirror, wallet, mascara and lip gloss. I really wasn’t surprised in the least that Mom had just been able to ‘scrounge’ all this up in under five minutes, that and everything she handed me was all brand new. I think they expected more a fight from me to carry the silly thing, but I’d already heard Sam and some of the other girls complain about lack of usable pockets with their clothing. This outfit didn’t even have a false pocket, so I knew the backpack was required to carry anything at all.

The first few steps out of the door I hesitated for a quick moment at the way I was dressed. I started rationalizing that technically I had been wearing mostly women’s clothes now for a few weeks, although the skirt and crop top was the hardest to rationalize. Thankfully with the leggings and my chucks I could almost convince myself that it was close enough to my normal attire. I had thought that this afternoon wouldn’t be too bad, after all I only needed a dress and shoes that would work for my costume, and then a run to the craft store for my accessories. I thought it wouldn’t take as long as it did. Unfortunately, the evening consisted of three shoe stores, four second hand stores, two consignment shops and two separate craft stores to get everything. With Shelly helping Mom I ended up with a lot more things than just my costume. Mom just kept telling me, it was for when I was ‘ready’.

That Sunday and the rest of the week when I wasn’t in school or at practice was spent getting the costume ready, and Mom’s lessons in girldom. Mom had gotten me a pair of heels that was a little taller than the ones for my costume and made me wear them around the house all week. She told me that it would make the dance that much easier for me with the slightly lower heels. Mom also made me learn how to do my makeup for the costume. She thought it would be better if I knew how so I could touch it up myself and not have to depend on Sam or one of the other girls to have to do it.

Throughout the week, even school had been going surprisingly well. With all the preparations for the upcoming dance, the teachers had been nice enough to not overload us with homework. Except a few of the jock’s, everyone had actually been really great with me and Sam. The guys that didn’t care for us at least just limited their disapproval with glares and looks, no one said or did anything to either of us, or at least where we could hear it. Life was surprisingly and eerily calm, at least if you could overlook the frenetic efforts to get ready for the dance.

Lyndsey and Brett had kept a tight lip on what they were going as, but I could tell that the closer we got to Saturday and the dance the more excited Brett got. Sam and I managed to keep our costumes secret as well, other than she had told me that I’d really like hers. I told her the same, but she was still pretty sure my idea was going to be just as lame as as my original idea of going as a professional athlete. I made sure that Shelly promised not to even hint to her or anyone else what it was. Thankfully she also kept her promise to also not let anyone else know about how I was dressed during our shopping trip.

The plan we had ended up making was for Shelly to help me get ready, and she’d also get ready at my house and then give me a ride to the school. Rachel would be picking up Sam and meeting us there. Of course, Lyndsey and Brett would be getting ready together and Lyndsey would drive them to the school. So that’s why Shelly was at my house just after eleven AM that Saturday morning…

The entire afternoon Mom and Shelly tag teamed me with my transformation. First thing they did was to attack my hair, they said was just to ‘shape’ it and removed the homeless look to it. Then it was my eyebrows, I’m surprised that I had anything left of my brows after they spent entirely too much time plucking. While Shelly was plucking hairs, Mom was filing away at my finger nails and gluing on these extension tips to them. I tried to complain they were too long, but mom just smirked and showed me where it said “sport length’ on the package… As if that made it okay, my disapproval still didn’t stop her though. Mom had just finished filling in the nails to make them smooth when Shelly started putting this foul-smelling stuff in my hair to lighten it, so it would match the little hairy blonde ball looking thing that was going to be clipped in when it was all to be finished. Mom had me stick my hands in this weird light contraption to cure my nails, while we waited for my hair to finish processing. I was then rushed into the shower to wash, shave, and condition my hair twice. I wasn’t even able to see my reflection when I got it of the shower from the steam, and I was rushed into my bedroom before I could clear the mirror, so I could see.

Once I dried off and put on my underwear, thongs and this weird strapless bra that had these rubber inserts in it. I was told so that would hold lift and squeeze everything into place. When I glanced down my boobs looked huge and they both laughed their asses off when I complained that I could lose things in my cleavage. Shelly then blow dried my hair and Mom started painting my nails a frosty pink color, she even started painting my toes although I complained they wouldn’t be seen with my shoes. She just smiled and cryptically told me that I’d know and continued on. Shelly then started gluing on the ear pieces to give me pointed elf like ears. Once she was done, she begged and pleaded for me to let her pierce my ears. She had brought her starter set of earrings over in case, and was trying to convince me that it would totally complete the look. I sighed acceptance, or maybe it was defeat. Right now, I didn’t know if there was a difference. Besides I could always let them close up after tonight.

Once that was done Shelly left to start getting ready in the bathroom and Mom started on my makeup while my nails were drying. I looked at the clock and realized that not counting the breaks we had taken, we had been at this for almost five hours. I just groaned as dramatically as I could and complained how long it was taking, much to Mom’s amusement. Once she finished with my face, she checked my nails and declared that it was time to get the rest of my costume on. First, I had to put on the pantyhose, which Mom had to help me with to keep me from ripping them with my ‘new’ nails. Then Mom pulled the dress out of the garment bag that Shelly had brought. When we found it at one of the second-hand places it had two shoulder straps that held it up, and when I tried it on it almost drug the ground. I found it hard to believe that this was the same dress we had bought. Even with all the fittings I’ve had over the last week I didn’t imagine that it would look so different. Originally it had fit me pretty snug across my chest and hips but was loose around my waist. Shelly’s mother did the alterations for me, thanks to Shelly asking her. She was almost as excited as Shelly and my mother was about project fairyfy me. It’s funny how all this originally had been my idea, but I had ended up with next to no say so in how we went about it.

Mom was zipping me into the dress when Shelly came back into my bedroom decked out in the dress she was wearing. I was in awe, I had never seen her in a dress or even makeup before and she was gorgeous. She was going as a princess from this old movie her and Rachel loved, while Rachel was going as the swashbuckling pirate love interest. I almost laughed, as uncomfortable as I felt in my dress Shelly looked far more uncomfortable than I did. Of course, with her being a lot more butch than Rachel, I don’t know how long its been since she’s had to wear a dress. Butch probably wasn’t the right word, I mean Shelly had long hair and was definitely a girl and acted like one. She just never really wore makeup and always wore jeans and stuff like that. Realizing how she felt actually helped me feel a lot better about my situation. At least I wasn’t alone in this.

Shelly exclaimed, “Holy crap Jordan! You look amazing!”

I blushed, “Shelly… Thanks… I doubt I look anywhere near as good as you… You are beautiful… I never thought I’d see you all dressed up like this.”

She rolled her eyes, “This is entirely for Rachel… She’s always the one that takes the effort to dress up… When she asked me to do this… I sort of felt like I owed it to her.” She glanced over at where the sheet still covered the mirror and said, “Oh wait! You haven’t seen yourself yet have you?”

I shook my head, “Duh?!? You two wouldn’t let me see until you were finished… Seriously though, how ridiculous do I look in all this?”

Mom told me, “Not ridiculous at all… Shelly put on his wings okay, so he’ll get the full effect.”

Shelly nodded and then grinned, “Yes Ma’am, good idea. I kind of want to see how they turned out too.”

I muttered, “Just get on with it okay?”

Mom had helped me create the required wings, and Shelly’s mom had made some sort of reinforcement on the back of the dress, so they could be mounted without some obvious harness that would be visible and ruin the effect. I fidgeted a bit while they were securing them and then Mom directed Shelly to stand next to me while she did the unveiling.

Mom started to do her Vanna White impersonation before pulling the sheet off the mirror and I groaned, “Will you just hurry up and…” She then whipped the sheet away from the mirror.

I had been expecting an over the top caricature of the animated version of my character, which was not what I had been aiming for. Other than the blonde hair, that was my only likeness to that image. The rest of what I saw though. It took several long moments to register that it was actually me in the reflection. From the top down, I saw the blonde hair pulled into a bun, but it all wasn’t pulled in neatly. I had a lot of wisps of hair falling down around my face and neck and gave a much better impression of a wild untamed fairy like I had imagined from the novel. Mom had used the makeup to make my cheekbones stand out and had used a mix of greens and blues around my eyes that made my blue eyes stand out like sapphires. The light pinkish red lipstick almost matched the color of my nails, and my mouth was frozen in a look of surprise.

I then glanced down at the green dress and how it had been modified to fit me. Shelly’s mom had removed one of the straps and the dress was held up by the one strap over my right shoulder, and also how it hugged my every curve from my breasts all the way to my hips. It was a satiny like materiel, but Shelly had treated it with some sort of glitter spray and the dress shimmered as I moved in it. I also tried to not notice, but failed, how the dress showed my cleavage but not bad enough for me to get kicked out of the dance. I hope not at least.The wings I had made from wire but covered in a cheesecloth materiel that was also treated with the glitter spray. She also had removed most of the length but had hemmed it where it went from my left knee to just below my right hip diagonally. It was also hemmed to look almost like a leaf, and then my shapely legs encased in the opalescent hose all the way to the silvery sparkly strappy three-inch heels. I looked almost exactly how I had always imagined she would had she ever jumped directly out of the book.

I don’t know how much time had passed, as I was so entranced by my reflection. Shelly finally snapped me out of it when she asked, “Jordan are you okay?”

I blinked and looked at her, “Huh?”

She laughed and repeated, “I asked if you were okay? You looked like you were in a daze… Is this too much?”

I shook my head gently, “No… It’s just… I never imagined that I could ever look like this… Do you think Sam will think it’s okay?”

Shelly laughed, “Jordan, you are beyond gorgeous. Sam will be blown away.”

I giggled, “I hope so… You know Rachel will be the same with you, you know that, don’t you?”

She waggled her eyebrows and said, “That’s what I’m counting on. So, you ready to blow some minds?”

I nodded and smirked, “You betcha!”

Mom blurted out, “But first things first! Let’s go downstairs for pictures!”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 21

---

---

Author's Note:Happy New Year everyone. I know it's been awhile between chapters, for that I'm sorry. Single parent duties and December were not conducive for much writing time. We finally get to see everyone's big costume reveal. Hope you enjoy and hope it was worth the wait.~Rebecca

Thankfully, Mom only took about fifteen minutes to take all the pictures she wanted of both me and Shelly. I was still slightly in a daze as we were getting in Shelly’s car. I knew I had seen myself in the mirror earlier but seeing pictures of myself and with Shelly was different. It was different than seeing my reflection in the mirror, in the camera it was like I was seeing myself how everyone else would see me. That caused me to start second guessing myself as I was climbing into the car.

I realized that when I committed myself to this, I was so focused and had never given this a second thought. But now… Everything was different, or at least it would be different. No matter how much I had claimed to accept this about myself, I had still constantly been declaring to everyone that I was still a guy. Even with the last week of not hiding my breasts, I was still claiming that. Now I’m dressed as Tinkerbell and headed to the dance where everyone would see me like this.

“Jordan?”

I mean I was beautiful, and that wasn’t my vanity talking either. In the mirror I had only seen myself in a costume, but the pictures… God it was weird. I mean, I knew I was looking at myself in the photos, but this time I was able to see and appraise my appearance from a ‘mostly’ guy perspective. I was a knockout… Shit…

“Jordan!”, I vaguely heard Shelly’s voice, but I was so wrapped up in my thoughts her outburst didn’t break through.

Even though I was still short, I knew I had a figure most girls would kill for and my dress hid none of it for the imagination. The makeup, hair, and heels only added to the whole image of a young beautiful girl excited for her first dance. The excitement I saw on my face in the picture was what had totally unnerved me. I was a guy, at least I thought I was in my head, who was standing there the epitome of femininity and I was smiling. Fuck that, I wasn’t just smiling I was glowing…

Suddenly I felt the car lurch as Shelly had swerved into a parking lot and had almost locked up her brakes whipping into the parking space. She blurted out, “JORDAN! Look at me!”

I glanced over at her and saw her worried expression and then noticed I was leaned forward clutching myself and rocking in the passenger seat. I also realized how fast and how hard I was breathing and also how fast my pulse was racing. Great… I softly muttered in between my ragged breaths, “Shit… I’m sorry…”

Reaching over to rest her hand on my shoulder to try to console me she asked, “What’s wrong? I thought you were okay with this.”

Still trying to get my breathing under control I muttered, “I am… Or I was… It just… Hit me… You know?”

She shook her head and softly said, “No I don’t Jordan… Breathe slower okay? I’m afraid you’re going to pass out if you don’t. I thought you were okay with this?”

I gasped, “I am… Was… I don’t know… I just realized… What it would look like to everyone… I’ve been telling everyone I’m still a guy… I don’t look anything like a guy right now…”

She told me, “Jordan relax okay… There’s no reason to get bent out of shape okay? It’s just a costume.”

I shook my head and asked, “Is it though? I’m not sure anymore…”

It took her a second to realize what I had said and her eye’s opened wide. She thought for a second and asked, “Look… If this is too much for you, we can call it off okay?”

I blurted out, “No… Sam’s looking forward to it too much… I can’t call it off…”

She sighed, “Jordan if you’re struggling this bad, she’d understand.”

I shook my head violently and said, “I’m not… Calling this off… I couldn’t do that to her… Just give me a minute and I’ll be okay….”

She blurted out, “Jordan you’re not okay, you’re hyperventilating… Please calm down! Sam would understand.”

I told her, “Yeah… She would… I’m not going to let her down Shell…”

She whispered, “Jordan, she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself…”

Still trying to get my breathing to slow down I told her, “Shell… This is her first dance… As in HER first dance… There’s no way… In hell… That I’m not going to make it…”

Shelly’s eyes opened wide at that realization as she gasped, “Jordan that’s… That’s amazing…” I just shrugged my shoulders as she gathered herself and after a moment she said, “Okay then… Try to think about something else, anything else…”

I muttered, “I’m trying Shell…”

After a few moments passed and I heard her whisper, “I can’t believe I’m about to do this…” The next thing I knew Shelly gently grasped me by my cheeks and leaned over and gave me a long gentle kiss. In the middle of my panic attack all I could think of was how soft and warm her lips felt against mine. Also, how sensual it felt to have our lipstick covered lips sliding against each other’s. We ended up kissing for several long moments before I came to my senses and pulled away.

“Shelly! I can’t! What about Sam or Rachel?”, I started to say but her smile caught me in mid thought.

She watched me for a moment while biting her lip and finally asked, “So is your breathing back under control?” I thought about it and nodded. I was still breathing hard, but it was slowing down. She then smirked, “I had to shock you somehow… Plus how bad you were feeling and still insisting on following through for Sam… Jordan it was so sweet… I’m sorry but I just wanted to kiss you for that reason… Besides I don’t just go around kissing boys… Actually, you’re the first one I’ve ever kissed…”

I snorted, “With these boobs I don’t look anything like a boy Shelly…”

She smiled gently and told me, “No you don’t and that might have made it easier… But you’re still Jordan, even if you appear to be a smoking hot Tinkerbelle right now… You’re my friend Jordan, who is doing something amazing for his girlfriend. No matter how hard it might be for him… I respect the shit out of that okay? I kissed you to snap you out of whatever spiral you worked yourself in to. I kissed you because you’re an amazing friend. Are you going to be okay?”

I just nodded trying to keep my emotions in check. Finally, after a few moments I said, “Yeah I will be… Once we get there and everyone sees… I guess it will be like pulling off a band-aid y’know?”

She smiled and said, “Okay… Then let’s get this show on the road. If everything starts to get the best of you again let me know before it gets too much okay?” She then pulled out of the parking lot and less than five minutes later we were pulling into the school. Upon parking she pulled me closer to her, at first, I thought she was going to kiss me again and almost pulled back. I quickly realized though she was repairing my makeup from the panic attack and from the kiss we shared. Once she was finished repairing our faces, she pulled her phone out and started typing on it.

I was checking myself in the passenger visor mirror when I heard her phone beep. After a quick glance she informed me, “They are almost here. Are you ready for this Jordan?”

I shrugged and grinned, “Hell if I know honestly… We’re here though… I know that I’m ready to see Sam and Rachel’s expressions when they see us.”

Shelly laughed, “You know what? Me too. Why don’t we get your wings back on so Sam can see you in your full glory?”

We quickly got out of the car and Shelly fastened on my glittery accessories and then she told me, “Oh Mom wanted me to give you this… She came up with it at the last minute and thought it would be cute.” She then held up a box that looked like it had a corsage in it and she pulled it out and slid it onto my left wrist.

I looked at it, it had some felt shaped into leaves and what looked to be a ball made of cheesecloth and it had little bells fasted to each of the leaves. I asked, “What is this?”

She smiled, “It’s supposed to look like a thistle bloom… She kind of rushed it… But shake your hand.” I did and as the bells tinkled, I saw a tiny bit of glitter being shaken out of the center of it. She smiled, “You know Tink never talked, and you had to have your fairy dust, right?”

It was kind of dorky but at the same time it was kind of cool, especially after all the help her mother had been. I laughed, “This is silly… But like in the best way… Thanks Shelly.” I was giving her a hug as a car horn beeped. We turned around and saw Rachel and Sam both getting out of the car.

Rachel was closest to me and her outfit made her look both dangerous and sexy at the same time. She was wearing leather pants with a leather jacket that mostly covered a corset. She had a mask on that was tied behind her head, the mask though didn’t hide how she had done her makeup though. She had blood red lipstick on and her eyes were definitely done up dark. She had taken the idea of the swashbuckling pirate and femmed it up a lot. I was stunned at how good she looked, and I heard Shelly gasp beside me. Rachel’s eyes kept dancing back at Shelly and at me, it was like she was trying to decide who to be shocked at the most. It was then when I heard Sam.

“Jordan? Oh… My… God… You’re…”, she said as she looked me up and down and in a soft breathy voice finished, “Gorgeous…”

I blushed but then as I glanced at her costume it took me a moment to figure out what she had done. She was wearing some soft leather boots, with dark green tights. As I followed her legs up the tights gave way to a dark green tunic dress, it looked like she had stained a sort of leaf pattern on it. She had a leather belt with a plastic sword tucked in the side. Her face was made up lightly, almost like she wasn’t wearing any. I then noticed the elfin ears, much like my own, and the green hat sitting a bit off center on her head. I whispered, “Wait… You’re… We match…”

She laughed, “Yeah… This is crazy… Nobody was supposed to know what I was doing… How did you figure it out?”

I shook my head, “I didn’t… It was just… All my ideas were coming up lame… I was about to give up when I was looking in the mirror one evening and realized I sort of looked like her… I knew you wanted to see how I’d look like this… I mean like a girl…” I stopped talking I couldn’t get my thoughts in order, so I took a deep breath and asked, “So how’d you decide to be Pan?”

She giggled but was still eyeing me up and down with awe clearly written on her face. She smiled, “That day when you told us your idea about going as something that you’re definitely not… I thought about it being a neat idea and tried to think of a boy costume. I then remembered how much you loved reading the story… With my transition the whole ‘lost boy’ theme sort of fit…”

Rachel asked after she had shared a gently kiss with Shelly, “You two really didn’t plan this?”

Sam responded while still staring at me, “Nope not at all… Jordan used to read and reread the book all the time. I just remembered him always reading it, so I thought he’d appreciate it.”

I smiled and sniffed away the moisture forming at her remembered that, “Yeah it was a way to escape my health issues and everything… I mean the idea of being taken somewhere where I’d never get older… I’d never get sicker… Yeah…” Sam quickly came over and blotted the corner of my eyes with a tissue she pulled out of thin air it appeared.

She whispered, “It’s okay Jordan… You’re not sick anymore…”

I smiled, “I know… It’s just we’re here… You’re finally getting to be you… And we’ve got Shelly and Rachel… Even if I’m dressed up as a fairy… With everything going on… I’m happy the way things are and it’s…”

She smiled and whispered, “overwhelming…” She then leaned in and gave me a gentle kiss that sent shivers all over me.

After she held me for a few moments, Shelly cleared her throat and asked, “So you all ready?” Sam and Rachel gave the affirmative and I couldn’t resist so I held up my left hand and shook the ‘corsage’ and the bells jingled as glitter gently fell to the ground. All three of the girls giggled and then we joined hand in hand and headed inside.

To say I was nervous as we walked up to the gym would be a drastic understatement. Thankfully I was surrounded by the girls, otherwise I would have chickened out. I don’t know why I got so tickled at Mr. Millers reaction as he looked at us and his eyes froze as he stared at me. Maybe it was just my nerves were totally shot, but his confusion was genuinely hilarious to me. I squeaked out, “Hi Mr. Miller.”

He quickly averted his gaze and shook his head softly before he looked back at me and said, “Miss… I mean Mr. uh… Jordan?”

The girls were snickering at him, but I gently laughed and said, “It’s just a costume Mr. Miller, all my other ideas just didn’t go with…” I quit talking and just gestured down at my body. Sadness passed over his face for a quick second to be replaced with something I couldn’t read.

Sam spoke up, “Plus it goes with our theme don’t you think?”

He smiled and nodded, “Okay… Well you girls have fun… I mean you girls and Jordan…” In frustration at my giggling at him he shrugged, “Why do I even bother, you all have fun and be safe okay? Jordan if anyone bothers you or Sam, come to me or one of the teachers okay. Don’t handle it yourself.”

We all said in unison, “Yes sir!” and then giggled as we moved past him into the gymnasium.

With the interaction and confusion of Mr. Miller I noticed my nerves were gone. I was amazed at how quickly an insignificant thing like that could change my whole perspective. I glanced around the gym and noticed it wasn’t very full yet, after all we were a few minutes early and as everyone knows the popular kids can’t be bothered to be on time. So, it was just us four and about two dozen other students there.

We walked around and most of the students were cool about our costume. Then again most of those here already would be considered the geeks, mostly kids from the social clubs that the Jocks and preps would avoid at all cost. The only thing that was unsettling for me was the way several of the guys wouldn’t look anywhere but my cleavage while talking to me… It took a bit of calming from Sam to keep me from going off. Sadly, I just realized that was one thing that girls had to deal with, and the way things were going that I’d just have to get used to dealing with it.

The music started promptly at seven and we continued to mill around talking to people. More and more students started appearing and it was about seven fifteen when I heard a familiar voice behind me say, “No fucking way! Holy Shit Jordan!”

I spun around to see Tom with his eyes wide open I blurt out, “Be very careful what you’re about to say.”

He thankfully glanced quickly at my chest as his eyes looked up to find my face. He sputtered, “Dude… I mean… Your… Hot… Like… Shit…”

Sam put her arm around me and snickered as a cute girl came up behind him and gently smacked Tom on the back of the head as she laughed, “This works on my parents record player sometimes when it skips…”

Tom quickly shut his mouth and blushed. The girl giggled and held her hand out and said, “I’m Steph, you must me Jordan and Sam. I’m his date tonight.”

Stunned, not because she knew who we were, but that Tom actually had a date. I asked, “Uhh… So what are you doing with him though? Did you lose a bet or something?”

Steph actually snorted, “I know you’re Jordan now… Tom’s told me about you…” She then glanced up and down at me and Sam and smiled, “That is totally bad ass…”

Once Tom had recovered, we talked for a few minutes. It turned out she plays softball for one of the private schools in the area and had met at the batting range downtown. Turned out him helping us out with softball did him some good after all. She thought it had been really cool of him, being a ‘bad ass’ baseball player, to help the girl’s team out. We had been talking about ten minutes when Shelly came up to us.

“Jordan, there’s a problem with Brett and Lynds…”

Shocked I ask, “Are they okay?”

She told me, “Yeah, but they aren’t being allowed in. Could you and Sam come to the office? Mr. Miller pulled them in there.

Nodding we left Steph and Tom and quickly followed Shelly and Rachel to the office. Right before we opened the door to go in, I heard Brett’s voice say, “But sir we’re not trying to be disrespectful. I promise.”

Shelly opened the door and Sam and I walked in to see Mr. Miller looking upset and then I saw Lyndsey and Brett and was stopped in my tracks by what I saw. I wasn’t the only one that was stopped in their tracks. Sam stopped right beside me with the same expression I’m sure I had.

Mr. Miller paused and looked at us for a moment and spun back to look at Brett and Lyndsey, “I thought you said they knew? This is why I’m calling your parents.”

That spurned me to speak up, “Wait a minute, Mr. Miller what’s going on? Why are they in trouble?”

He sighed and told me, “Jordan… I can’t have students pulling stunts like this when…” He paused trying to think of a way to say what he wanted. He continued, “With Samantha, and yourself… We were afraid students would try to make a mockery of you two… They claimed that you two knew about this, but it’s obvious you didn’t. I need you four to go back to the gym, please.”

Wait what? I blurted out, “But we did know… We just didn’t know what they were going to be dressed up as… That was a surprise… They both are our friends. They talked to us about this weeks ago.”

That took the wind out of Mr. Miller’s sails. He looked at me and then at Sam who was nodding. He asked, “You did? You’re okay with this?”

Lyndsey spoke up, “Yes they are, they knew we were doing this in support of them. We weren’t making fun or teasing them in any way.”

Mr. Miller grunted, “Oh… Then… I’m…”

I spoke up, “Mr. Miller, look I think it’s cool that you’re looking out for us and everything. But… You’re going kind of overboard here. You knew Brett is a friend…”

He sighed, “You’re right… I’m sorry… I just…”

Sam came up and put her hand on his arm, “It’s cool Mr. Miller. Thank you… But we’re cool with them.”

He apologized profusely to both Lyndsey and Brett and then ushered us out of the office. In the hallway I finally was able to fully take in their costumes and I was still just as blown away. Lyndsey was cute as hell wearing a leather jacket, white tank top, with dark blue jeans with big cuffs rolled up at the hem with black loafers. I might not have realized what her costume was, but Brett’s was the one that gave it away. He was standing on black and white three-inch heels wearing a poodle skirt, a nice top, it appeared Lyndsey had clipped in blonde extensions and given him a blond curly bouffant hair style. His face was even made up like a pinup model from the sixties. It was the pink satin looking jacket that completed the look though. Even with his size I had to admit he looked pretty good considering. I couldn’t help it though, I started giggling.

Brett looked embarrassed and asked, “Do I look that bad?”

I quickly shook my head and told him while grinning, “No you really don’t Brett… I just realized what you two were going as… Or should I call you Sandy or maybe Brittany?” At his shocked expression I remembered that Shelly and Rachel had no clue about ‘Brittany’ and quickly told him, “I’m just kidding man… Damn I thought you were tall before…”

He blushed slightly, “It’s okay… Just call me Britt like always…” I barely caught the ‘I’ sound and not the ‘E’ and looked up to see him, or her… Hell I don’t know anymore… I know he’s trans and presenting as a girl… But that’s a secret to most everyone… Crap… Anyway, Britt was winking at me smirking.

We talked a bit and complimented each other about our costumes on the way back to the gym. When we walked up to the entrance, it was obvious that the crowd had more than doubled since we had left to help out our friends. I took a deep breath and with my friends by my side I held my head high and stepped through the doorway.

I guess most of the crowd had either heard about me already or seeing me no longer hiding my ‘asset’s the last few weeks. Britt was the talk of the gym. At first people were kind of standoffish and pointed and laughed, but soon it was obvious to everyone that Britt and Lynds were there and back together. Also, with their matching costumes it appeared to be fooling people just like Lyndsey had thought it would. Everyone was acting like it was just a costume.

It didn’t take very long for us to join the rest of the softball team and their dates, along with Tom, Steph, and Rick. Everyone looked like they were having a blast, and once people got over their initial shock of me dressed up as Tinkerbelle, they quickly just treated me like they always had… Other than Rick and Tom kept staring occasionally, but as soon as I caught them staring, they looked away quickly as if nothing had happened. It was weird… Honestly knowing what I looked like though… I couldn’t really blame them for staring. If I wasn’t with Sam, I’d probably be staring at a girl that looked like I did… Maybe a bit more discreetly then they did it, but I’d have still looked. At least that was how I was trying to rationalize it.

The entire time we were hanging out with the group, small groups would hit the dance floor and return, only to have other groups go take their place. We’d been mingling for about forty minutes, and even though Sam had tried to nudge me out on the dance floor I kept resisting. I did want to dance with her, but my nerves were returning. The thought of bouncing around like everyone else, and how I was dressed, was causing my anxiety to try to come back. It was just before eight when this one song started. The girls screamed and then with Shelly and Rachel’s help Sam drug me out to the floor as Pink started to sing. They no longer were giving me a say so in the matter.

Even with my nerves, being in the middle of the excited group of girls and staring at Sam’s smiling face made me relax slightly. Then as she started to sing the first verse while dancing, it completely made me forget my anxiety. I started to try to move like she was, but the beginning was a bit weird to dance to. It was about half way through the verse when I recognized the song and started listening to the words and then I just let the music start to reverberate through me. Whatever I was doing must have worked, by the second verse we all were bouncing around and yelling ‘Raise Your Glass’ at the top of our lungs. What can I say? The song spoke to me in that moment. Even with the DJ played an extended remix of it, once it was over, we didn’t leave the dance floor until after four more songs had played. Shelly laughed and pointed to the floor of the gym and you could tell where all I had been bouncing around thanks to my ‘corsage’ and the trail it was leaving. There was a thin layer of glitter everywhere on the dance floor and the corsage was about half-full of glitter still from what I could tell. I was slightly out of breath and had a sheen of perspiration over me from all the dancing when Sam pulled me back to the side.

We were taking a break and as we were watching Britt and Lyndsey, Sam whispered to me, “I’m worried about her.”

I asked, “Who? Lyndsey?”

She shook her head and said, “No. Britt… This is supposed to be a costume remember? No one is supposed to figure out the truth… Do you see how naturally she’s started moving? When they both came in, she was walking around like a jock would walk in heels… She’s been out there dancing with Lynds for the last five songs without any problems…”

I watched them both out on the floor and Sam was right. Although she was already tall, the heels put her at around six and a half feet tall, but she was dancing gracefully. At least more gracefully than her large frame should allow her to. I nodded and told her, “I see what you mean. Hopefully no one else picks up on that… Maybe we can play it off that she’s just gotten used to walking in heels… I mean look at me, I’m not having any issues either.”

She looked back at me and smiled, “True… You might have to wear those more often though.”

I turned my head at her in confusion and asked, “Why would you want me to do that?”

She grinned and said, “It makes it easier for me to do this.” She then leaned over and gave me a soft kiss, which once again sent chill bumps all over my body.

As much as I wanted to keep kissing her, I gently pulled away and told her while smiling, “I’m not promising anything, but it’s not a definite no either.”

She grinned at me and asked, “Are you thirsty?”

I nodded, “Yeah take a seat and I’ll go grab us some punch.”

She didn’t think that was a good idea, but I quickly convinced her that I’d be fine and then made my way to the refreshment table. I hadn’t forgotten I was dressed the way I was, but maybe I had just become comfortable in it and it wasn’t really a concern for me. I was standing in line for the punch when I felt someone tap my shoulder. I quickly spun around to see Teddy.

I immediately clenched my fists at my side and asked, “What Teddy?”

He looked surprised and quickly looked down at me while shoving his hands in his pockets, “Nothing Jordan… I was just… I was going to… Look Jordan… I’m sorry.”

Now I was the one that was surprised as I asked, “What are you sorry about?”

He said, “Everything, I guess… How I treated Sam… You… I’ve been a shitty friend… I’m sorry…”

I was trying to wrap my head around what he was telling me, he hadn’t actually said anything rude other than Sam being trans creeped him out… He’d been standoffish and kept to himself for a while, but he hadn’t actively gone out of his way to say or do anything to hurt either her or me. I asked, “So you’re okay with all this suddenly?” He gently shrugged his shoulders like he was still a little kid being scolded. I tell him, “Teddy that’s not an answer… Before you answer though this is just a costume tonight okay? I don’t know what I’m going to do, or how I’m going to end up… If I go all the way are you still going to be shrugging your shoulders?”

He finally looked up at me and said, “Jordan… This is still kinda weird to me… I’m trying to get over that… To wrap my head around it… My parents just always told me all this crap… I bought into it… Everything… I’m sorry… I’m trying okay… I’ve thought about everything you’ve gone through… I’m sorry I’ve been an ass… I know I have been…”

I gave him a half smile and asked, “Okay then… So, what now?”

He shrugged his shoulders again but caught himself and said, “I don’t know… I hadn’t planned any further than apologizing… I’ve actually got to get back to my date, but I wanted to say that to you…”

I told him, “Okay I appreciate it Teddy… Thank you… Maybe we can talk more in homeroom?”

He nodded and before he turned to walk away, he blurted out, “You know, you and Sam looked good out there dancing… You know like you were happy… I also wanted to tell you that…” He blushed and turned away before I could respond. I was lost in my thoughts about what he had said when a voice being cleared caught my attention that it was my turn in line.

I was still thinking hard about what Teddy had said to me when I returned and handed Sam her punch. She could see I was thinking about something and she asked, “What did he say to you?”

I asked, “You saw?” She just worriedly nodded yes. I continue, “He wanted to apologize for being a shitty friend…”

She asked, “Do you believe him?”

I tell her, “Yeah… I guess I do… I mean he’s still struggling with it… Supposedly his parents had filled him with a bunch of crap… He said he’s trying to get over it… So that’s something right?”

She shrugged her shoulders, “I guess… We’ll just have to see right?”

I tell her, “Yeah I guess so… Hopefully he’ll come around…”

Quickly our conversation was over about Teddy, because Shelly and Rachel came over giggling about something. I couldn’t help but see both of their lips were smeared from kissing. I couldn’t help but grin, even though I still thinking about the last thing Teddy had said. He had said we looked happy. I admit I’ve been having my own struggle with myself, but tonight... Dancing with Sam and even though I’m dressed like a fairy princess, I have been having fun. More than that, I haven’t thought about my condition once. As I finished my punch, I noticed Sam was smiling at me.

She asked, “So what’s got you in a such a good mood?”

Before I could answer, the DJ paused the music and announced that he was going to slow it down for couples. I held my manicured hand out and asked, “What’s a guy have to do to get a dance with his girlfriend?”

She giggled and took my hand saying, “All you had to do was ask.”

We soon found ourselves dancing and swaying together. With my heels and her wearing boots without a heel I was almost as tall as she was. The song was almost over when she gently leaned in and whispered, “Shelly told me what happened to you earlier in the car. Jordan you didn’t have to do that…”

I whisper back, “Yeah I did Sam… I totally had to. I’d do anything for you.”

She gently kissed my cheek and then quickly drew back and tried to blow the glitter that had gotten on her nose. She laughed as she glanced down at us, “God we are never going to be able to get all this glitter off of us. It’s everywhere. Whose idea was it?”

I giggle and pull her back towards me as we sway to the music, I fuss, “It was Shelly. I’ll have you know that it’s not glitter, it’s my pixie dust and I’m sprinkling that shit everywhere.”

She laughed, “Yeah you are… I guess now we just need to find your happy place… Right?”

I stopped swaying and look at her in her eyes and tell her before I lean in to kiss her, “I already have…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 22

---

---

Author's Note:Finally the next chapter. Getting a bit more time to write these days, not much but a bit more. Unfortunately its just spread between a few different projects these days. Hope you enjoy. ~Rebecca

I couldn’t help but smile at the memories of that kiss and the moments afterwards as I was cleaning the makeup off my face off later that night. I had tried to wash it all off in the shower, but much to Mom’s amusement I still had a good bit left on my face even after the second shower I had taken. The reason for the second shower was because I had learned now that I hate glitter with a passion, that shit was everywhere and wouldn’t completely wash off. Even after the second shower I was still finding it in places it shouldn’t be.

I found myself blushing at remembering how one of the teachers had to interrupt us after that kiss. No, we didn’t keep making out after the kiss, but when the teacher cleared her throat, I realized that I was still holding onto Sam and still slowly swaying to the music… The only problem was that the DJ had started a much faster song and it was already half way over and we had been oblivious that the music had sped up. Yeah, our friends teased us about that the rest of the night.

Britt though was starting to worry us, the more she danced and spent time with the girls the more obvious to some of us that Brittany wasn’t a costume. I know Shelly and Rachel had their share of suspicious stares more than once. Part of me was relieved, not that she was dangerously close to outing herself, but that the more she started opening up the hurt brooding football player was quickly disappearing before our eyes. The other part was concerned about my friend, regardless of gender. Brett had told us in detail what was at stake and was only doing this tonight to try to cast doubt on anything his father might say in court. The way Brittany was exposing herself though… Yeah, I was worried about my friend.

I had been about to warn Lyndsey so she could pull Britt off to the side and talk to her, when they came into the gym. Jason, the one-time second-string catcher on the baseball team, and a group of his jock friends came strutting in the dance. Even from a distance I could tell that they were going to be trouble. I don’t know what it was, but it was just something tangible that I felt that caused me to tense up. I felt Sam place her hand on my shoulder trying to get me to loosen up. I sighed thinking I might be blowing this out of proportion and looking for trouble where there wasn’t any. After all they had never actually done anything to us, so my fears were probably just due to my overthinking things. I still couldn’t shake that feeling though.

Most of the guys in his group were those that had given both Sam and I looks of contempt at school. Thankfully, Britt noticed them as well and I watched as her whole demeanor changed. It was like I watched Brittany fade into the background, and no matter how he was dressed Brett returned. It happened none too soon either, because moments later Jason looked over and started pointing and laughing at us. I saw Brett tense up and I quickly grabbed his hand and turned him towards me trying to calm him down. It took some doing but I was able to convince him to try to ignore them. Whatever happened I didn’t want us to be the ones to start anything, but I did want us to be careful and to stay in groups so they couldn’t single any one of us out either.

It took them about half an hour before they finally confronted a few of us while trying to get drinks for our group. Brett immediately stood in front of me and Shell, which only made him the target of their taunts. I could tell Brett was ready to try taking them all on with how much he had tensed up. Even standing behind him I could smell the alcohol coming off of them. It was all I could do to pull him away and try to get us back to their group. I had noticed much of the crowd around us looking uncomfortable, but nobody stepped up in our defense either. At least they didn’t join in the taunting either. For a moment I started to get upset at the bystanders, but then I realized most people, especially here in high school, don’t want to get involved. It was mostly a defense mechanism, if you weren’t the one being bullied just keep your head down low and not bring attention to yourself. I didn’t agree with that mentality, but I understood it.

I could tell Brett was upset that I pulled him away. While I didn’t doubt Brett could probably handle most of them, I was secretly hoping that they would hang themselves. We honestly didn’t need any more attention than we’ve already had. After the Clint incident him and I had already been suspended once, thanks to the zero-policy rule on fighting. The last thing we needed was to get in trouble again for fighting, especially since they were trying to goad us into throwing the first punch.

I guess someone did get involved though even if it was indirectly. Shortly after rejoined our friends, we saw Mr. Miller storm in and head to Jason and his group. Even with the loud music in the gym we could hear the guys yelling their innocence and growing more belligerent by each passing moment. We then saw Mr. Miller speak into his walkie talkie he was carrying and a few moments later two of the police officers that had been stationed outside came in. The guys quickly got quiet and as they were drug out of the gym, I could still see the hate in Jason’s eyes as he glared at me. I couldn’t help but think he was thinking it was my fault somehow that they were in trouble. Alcohol and stupidity don’t mix well it seems.

No matter how much we tried to forget about Jason and them, the dance had quit being fun for most of us. That’s how about fifteen of us ended up at Denny’s in full costume for a late-night snack. The looks when we walked in made me giggle, I could only imagine how we all looked. Thankfully people were good natured and joked with us once the initial shock wore off. I did notice once the excitement die down how Brittany started to resurface. Once again, I saw Shelly and Rachel giving worried glances at her. I glanced back at Sam and she was looking worried too. When she saw me looking at her as if asking, ‘What do we do’, she just shrugged. We were both questioning how good of an idea this was, but then again none of us had guessed how close Brett had been keeping her under the surface.

Remembering the last part of the night made me blush and grin once again. Britt and Lynds left on their own and like we had arrived, I was riding with Shelly and Sam was going with Rachel First things first though, we all had to say good night to our dates. I can only imagine the show we ended up giving the customers as we kissed goodnight in the restaurant’s parking lot. I knew that we looked like two lesbian couples, after all everyone in the restaurant had been called me miss or ma’am. I’m not sure why I didn’t correct them, I mean I know what I look like and why they’d get confused… Maybe I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable, but honestly… It wasn’t really upsetting to me either…

I quickly finished drying my hair and stood up straight to look in the mirror. With no makeup on I could only see a young petite girl staring back at me dressed only in her sleep shirt. No, it wasn’t some sexy nighty or anything, just an oversized cotton tee-shirt that hung almost to her knees. Looking closely at her face I couldn’t see anything that screamed guy anymore. From my lightened blonde shoulder length hair, to my sculpted eyebrows, all the way to my pierced ears, there was nothing but a young pretty girl. I almost pulled out my earrings but realized that wouldn’t suddenly make me any less feminine. Then I realized that I kind of kind of liked the way I looked with them. Finally, I shook myself and headed to my bedroom figuring I could do this self-reflecting tomorrow. As I pulled up my covers and turned off the light my mind drifted back to that dance and kiss on the dancefloor. I felt myself smiling as I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning when I walked into the kitchen for breakfast, both of my parents raised their eyebrows at me. I glanced down at what I was wearing, which was just jeans and a tee and looked back at them questioningly, “What? Did I not get all the glitter off? You know I showered twice.”

The both glanced back and forth at each other and me before Mom said, “No sweetie… I mean yes, you got the glitter off, it’s just… We weren’t expecting you to be…” She paused and looked at my dad for help.

He just cleared his throat and started to say, “Jordan I think she’s trying to say… You… ahh… I mean you look fine… It’s just… We weren’t expecting you to be so…”

I snorted, “I look like a girl… That’s what you’re trying to say? As if I didn’t already know that.”

Mom quickly stood up and said, “Jordan I’m sorry… I guess your friend Shelly and I got a bit too carried away… I don’t know what we can do about your eyebrows right now, but we can dye your hair back to its original color… It might help…”

I couldn’t help but giggle… After I quit fighting it, I found I was giggling a lot more these days. I didn’t know if it was the hormones, or that I’ve been surrounded by all the girls on the team lately. I said, “Mom… No, it won’t… It’s okay… Besides, wouldn’t dyeing it again be bad for it?”

Dad questioned, “You’re not upset?”

I shook my head, “Nah… Not really… I sort of had to make peace with everything last night after I got out of the shower…”

Mom asked, “Did you really make peace with it? I’ve… I mean we’ve both seen how much you’ve been struggling…”

I sighed, “Mom look. Am I happy with this? No, I’m not… Am I angry and upset? No… I mean I was frustrated a bit last night… But being upset and angry isn’t accomplishing anything… Trust me, I’ve learned that over the last few months… I guess I’m just sort of just accepted this is what I’m going to look like… Last night…” I couldn’t help but smile and felt my cheeks flush slightly, “Last night wasn’t really that bad…”

Dad raised one eyebrow at that statement and mom grinned and asked, “So you’re ready to make the next step?”

My brows furrowed, “Next step? What next step?”

She responded, “You know… Have you thought about a new name and all the paperwork to change your gender?”

I sputtered, “What? Umm… No! Mom, that’s not what I’m talking about… I’m just…” I let out a long sigh and continued, “The way I look… I’m okay with it… Mostly… I think last night had a lot to do with that but… Looking like a pretty girl is one thing, but actually claiming that I am one…”

Mom’s worried expression returned, “Jordan… We’re not trying to force you… I just thought that maybe you were ready to face…”

I interrupted, “The inevitable? Mom I know that I’m going to have to accept that… Probably sooner than later… I’m just not ready. I’m finally not fighting my changes anymore… That’s gotta count for something… Right?”

She gently reached over and placed her hand over mine and gave it a soft squeeze, “That’s counts for a lot Jordan. I’m sorry if you think we’re trying to push you.”

I smirked, “Mom chill… It’s okay. I mean it’s truly okay. I know you both aren’t pushing me because you want me to be a girl. You just don’t want to see me struggling like I had been.”

Mom smiled softly, “No we don’t sweetie. I am sorry though about all Shelly and I did yesterday, there were moments that I thought that you were having fun and I admit I got a bit too excited. We’ve all noticed how pretty you’ve become, and yesterday we got to bring that out even more… You were absolutely gorgeous… Sorry I know you probably don’t want to hear that…”

I laughed, “I was though. It’s okay Mom, I knew what I looked like. Remember”, I said tapping the side of my head, “I’m still a guy up here…” Even as I said that it fell flat in my own ears.

We sat there for a few moments in silence, I could see both of my parents questioning if they really believed what I had just said. I couldn’t really blame them for that, hell I was questioning it myself. I finally spoke up, “Look, I had fun last night. It was pretty cool to see how I could look all glammed up. It’s just… Once I do make the ‘next step’ as you called it, I don’t see getting all dressed up like that happening very often…”

Mom’s eyebrows knitted together as she asked, “Why not? I thought you enjoyed it?”

I smirked, “I did, I mean it was fun and all… Mom I’ve always been a jeans and tee-shirt kind of guy. With that being what I’m most comfortable in, does that really have to change when I finally decide to ‘be’ a girl?”

Mom sighed, “No it doesn’t Jordan…”

Still smirking I said, “Mom, I’m a ball player. Even if I can’t keep playing ball, I’ll always be an athlete of some sort. I just don’t see dresses, skirts and heels being a norm in my future.”

I had truly meant what I had said, at least when I said it. I couldn’t imagine me at that moment intentionally wearing dresses and skirts. Then again once I had overcome my initial reaction to my costume, I really did have fun. The way people had treated and reacted to me had made me feel… I don’t know, appreciated, desired… It was such a different feeling that I had ever experienced, and I was still unsure how it made me feel. I did know drawing those reactions from Sam made me all tingly and giddy like I imagined any other girl my age at the attention of her boyfriend… Or in my case my girlfriend…

Needless to say, when my parents left for church my mind started questioning myself and questioning myself hard. Not only that, but I was also curious as to what all Mom had filled my closet with. I’ve noticed over the last month that my closet was getting more and more full of things. The same could be said for my underwear drawer. I had gotten used to wearing thongs and bras, but most of what I wore was kept in my dresser. Before I had gotten sick the only things hanging in my closet had been a suit, my baseball uniform, and a few coats. That was it… Now though, all I know it was extremely full, and until now I hadn’t been ready to explore and see what she had bought.

I had every intention of only pulling out everything to see what she had in mind. I didn’t want to wear cutesy skirts and blouses, I didn’t. I wanted to think I was only curious, but the two hours my parents were gone flew by. I was only two thirds way through trying on my new clothes when I heard them getting home. Thankfully I heard their car doors shut so I was able to get back into my outfit I was wearing when they left. It was only then I had realized what I had done. For two hours I had gone through outfit after outfit appraising how I looked. I was a bit embarrassed that I had, for the most part, enjoyed going through the clothes. It doesn’t mean I’m going to like wearing them and end up all prissy and… The thought of possibly becoming like one of the vain preppy cheerleaders made me shudder. That will never happen, I know that. One thing I couldn’t deny though, even without makeup I was freaking hot… What worried me was that I was completely okay with that.

Hopefully my parents were none the wiser about what I had been doing while they were gone. When they had asked what I had been up to, guess I was still slightly blushing from the embarrassment of almost being caught, I had only replied ‘Not much, just stuff…’ Mom really didn’t buy it, but she didn’t press any more either.

The rest of the day I spent getting caught up on schoolwork. Mostly just homework and a paper I’d been putting off for too long already. Sam was doing the same. All the planning and prep work for the dance had caused everyone to fall a bit behind, I guess. It was hard for me to stay focused though. Later in the afternoon I moved downstairs so I could work in the living room. My mind kept drifting back to the closet and the things I hadn’t yet tried on… You know, only to make sure it all fit and stuff… Yeah, even my own inner monologue was yelling ‘flag on the play!’

I was up early the next morning so I could shower and get ready for the day. Once I had dried my hair, I tried putting it into a pony tail and some other ways to brush it to make it appear any less feminine to now avail. I can honestly say while getting dressed I wasn’t tempted at all to look through my closet. I quickly shimmied into one of my new pair of jeans and a nice fitted shirt, which did nothing to hide my figure. After donning my chucks, I made one more appraisal before I went downstairs for breakfast. There wasn’t any denying that I appeared to be all girl from my reflection. What did bother me the most though was I looked… I don’t know… Plain?

I was going to end up driving myself crazy with all the second guessing about this and that, I quickly made a decision. One that I think I could live with, and I think Sam would be good with. I grabbed my mascara and put a slight single coat on my eyelashes, and then a tube of my flavored Chapstick and put on my lips… It’s not lipstick and the light coating on my eyelashes wasn’t totally obvious. It just made me look a bit less plain. After all that’s what was bothering me the most, wasn’t it?

Mom and Dad didn’t say anything while I was eating my cereal. I’d been a bit nervous that what I did would have been obvious. If it was though, they would have surely said something. Breakfast was pretty nice, Dad was lost in the morning news on his tablet and Mom was filling me in on what was going on with Brett’s mom.

She had started a few weeks ago at the attorney’s office, and according to Mom it was obvious she was rusty at being in an office setting. Mom had taken that into account and said after only a few days she had gotten back into the groove of working and was now doing really well. She was in the middle of that when the doorbell rang.

I quickly made it to and opened the door and felt my face brighten in a huge smile at my girlfriend standing outside. While it wasn’t the first time I had seen her in a dress, it was the first time she was going to school in one. I said, “Wow, you look amazing!”

She blushed and whispered as she leaned in to give me a kiss, “You do too.”

As her lipstick covered lips slid against mine covered in Chapstick my body reacted like it did at the dance when we kissed. Although the feeling wasn’t the same as when we were both wearing lipstick, it was close enough to it as I felt my nipples harden and my skin tingle.

After the ten second kiss she pulled back and lightly licked her hips and smiled, “Cherries!”

I blushed a bit and said, “It was getting cooler and… I didn’t want my lips to get chapped…”

She giggled and said, “I don’t mind… I like cherries.” She then leaned in to kiss me softly again, which I readily accepted.

After a quick check to make sure her lips weren’t smudged, and I wasn’t wearing her lip color we set off for our walk to school. We weren’t far from the house when she commented, “I take it you couldn’t completely get rid of your look from the dance?”

I sighed, “Yeah… All we could think of trying was to dye my hair again, but it wouldn’t do much so why bother…”

Her eyebrows raised as she asked, “You didn’t pull out your earrings either… Plus your nails…”

I glanced down at my nails, and while I took the color off of them and filed them down, I didn’t remove the tips mom had glued on. I didn’t know why either. My nails would not be considered long in any way, but they weren’t short like I had kept them when I was a guy… Well when I was more of a guy… Dammit, you know what I mean… Ugh… They were sort of in between, just like me. I stammer, “I… Um… I don’t know what’s going on Sam… I really don’t… There are some things that I… I mean they don’t like, y’know bother me or anything… I’m sorry if this is weird… I’m just…”

She stopped and put her fingers on my lips to stop me from rambling. She smiled and softly told me, “Jordan stop okay. Everything is okay. You can try whatever you want to try. It’s okay to experiment with how you look It’s even okay if you like some of it… Like I said, I’ll love you if you’re a guy or a girl. Or even if you decide to be a bit of both. I love you, you got that?”

Hearing her say she loved me made the butterflies in my stomach flutter, I told her, “I do Sam… I have a question though… While some of this I think I do like… I can’t help but feel that you like me a bit more girly… Do you?”

She looked shocked and told me, “Jordan it’s not that! I promise you. I’d be the last person to try to force or even try to push you to wear or do something you’re not comfortable with. I love you for you, for the feisty, won’t give up, friendly, most stand-up person you are.”

I felt a bit of guilt and told her, “I’m sorry I asked… It just sometimes feels…”

She looked a bit embarrassed and asked, “Can I make a confession?” I nodded so she continued, “Like I said, I love you no matter what… I’m so attracted to who you are I can’t put it into words… I had thought that no matter what, I’d always be attracted to girls… Then you came back into my life…”

I stopped her and said, “But look at me, I look like a girl.”

She quickly put her hand over my mouth and said, “Let me finish. You didn’t though when I fell for you Jordan. I fell hard for my best friend a small scrappy guy that had more fight in him then the entire football team combined. But the further your changes started happening… Oh god this is embarrassing.” She paused and bit her lip for a moment before she continued, “I talked to my endo about what had happened in your room about getting my t-blockers upped. He told me they couldn’t up them anymore and from what levels were it should have been impossible for me to have that kind of reaction…”

She paused again, so I asked, “Does that mean what I think it means?”

She nodded, “Probably… I don’t mean to creep you out or anything. I’ve been emotionally attracted to you from the start, but since you’ve started embracing some of your changes…” She paused for a deep breath and said, “Even though this shouldn’t happen, a lot of the time you make my gaff really uncomfortable… I’m sorry I shouldn’t say that.”

I had known she was still physically attracted to girls and had hinted at it more than once. A year ago, I might have been horrified to know I had given someone that kind of response. This was Sam though, my girlfriend. I know that should make it weirder, but it truly didn’t. And the fact that her meds should be stopping that kind of reaction only made me more excited.

Even though I was… Proud? Excited? Whatever it was that I was feeling being able to turn her on like that, knowing she saw herself as a girl I asked her, “Sam… I’m sorry.”

She asked, “What do you have to be sorry for?”

I told her, “Because I know that’s not what you want… That’s why you’re taking the blockers right? That and many other things…”

She shrugged her shoulders, “I’d never really had those reactions Jordan… Ever… I thought it would be horrible to have one… I thought it would scream look I’m not really a girl… At least that’s what I always thought it would…”

I told her, “See, that’s why I’m sorry…”

She placed her fingers back on my lips to shush me and told me, “But it doesn’t bother me like that… At least with you… The worst thing about it right now is the gaff being uncomfortable… It doesn’t make me feel any less me, ya know? I just didn’t want you to be creeped out… I wanted you know what it meant considering it shouldn’t be doing that… What you do to me Jordie…”

I blushed, “It doesn’t weird me out Sam… You’re still you, the super-hot softball goddess.”

She asked, “Really?” When I nodded while smiling, she grinned and asked, “You know what's missing that would make this moment perfect?”

I’m sure the confusion was apparent on my face as she giggled when I asked, “What’s missing?”

She grinned mischievously and whispered as she leaned towards me, “Cherries…Cherries are most definitely missing.”

It had taken only a few moments for us to fix our lips after that incredible kiss and we made it quickly to school. I admit I was in a daze as we passed people on the way to our lockers. I barely caught people smiling and joking with me, not in a hateful way either. I’ve heard the phrase being on cloud nine, and I thought I could relate to it right now. The only difference for me was that mine would have to be around cloud one hundred and nine considering the way I felt in that moment.

Unfortunately, that moment ended rather abruptly after we had gotten to Sam’s locker. Shelly and the girls were hanging around and teasing us about our slow dance to the fast song when I heard Sam gasp, “What the fuck is this?!?!”

I quickly looked at her and the letter she was holding. I couldn’t see what it said from where I stood, but I could see her face and how it quickly shifted from anger, sadness, and then fear. I asked her, “What does it say Sam?”

She read it over and over a few times and the expression of fear merged with one of anger she turned the paper over to show me and said, “Can you believe this shit?”

It only took me a second to read the typed-out note,

 
 
To be continued.
 

The story of a Transwoman’s journey to find out who she really is, and to find acceptance in the world, but most importantly to find acceptance in herself.
.
Defining Moments
Chapter 1

---

---

Author's Note: I originally had no intention of actually writing this, for some time though friends and my chosen family have been begging me to. I was struggling getting my next fictional story started, and thought that I would just toy with the idea. Then the words just exploded out of me onto my IPad…I don’t know how often I will be able to add chapters, this was fairly painful to relive so I could write it. I will continue adding chapters as I can, if you all are interested. ~Rebecca

Moments… A moment is defined as a brief unspecified moment of time. Every one starts out in this world with a moment, followed by another… then another, and so on. When you string all these moments together you end up with a life lived. Some moments try to lift us up, some try to bring us down, some even try to completely break us… Ultimately it is up to each one of us to decide what to do with each one that we are granted. One thing in common with everyone though, is all our moments that we experience, and how we deal with them, define us… In one way or another. Looking back throughout my life and my collection of moments, many stick out in my memory.

Of all the ones that I remember, one particular one sticks out most. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs in my life, and there are many notable ones, the main one was on Christmas Day 2011. It was the day my ‘suit of armor’ cracked, no that’s not quite right, it had been cracked and dented many times throughout my life but this time was different. It didn’t just crack, it shattered… Irrevocably and irreparably, shattered... No, I’m not talking about a physical suit of armor, while they are resilient, bulky, and extremely heavy. I’m talking about the one that I made, that no one knew about, it was something that I had crafted out of sheer will. It was invisible, except it wasn’t, it was physically weightless, but it was so heavy that it had been crushing my soul and had been for a long time. It was the person that I had projected to the world for the last 27 years, the person I had been told that I had to be. It was my masculine shell that I had created to protect myself from the world, and in a twisted way I believed it also protected the world from me, well the real me. It was that day, when it shattered, that has become the turning point in my life. It was the day I couldn’t stop myself from crying, the first time that had happened since I was 12 years old… I had just turned 39, 11 days prior…

To understand a bit more of the gravity of the situation, you have to understand a few things. I had built a good life, a life that I truly loved, even if I hated myself internally to my very core. I had been married at this point for 12 years to my 2nd wife, with four children, 3 girls that were mine, and my step son that I had already laid claim to when he was 9. I had recently moved to the Tampa bay region of Florida from Columbus, MS back in October, the original plan was to move the whole family down but I had already started a new job so had to move here by myself. We had decided to move, mostly due to the recommendation of my oldest daughters doctors. She had been diagnosed with severe allergies that had started causing asthma and was crippling her. I had actually accepted a pay cut for this job, for the betterment of my daughter, and my whole family. Of course the idea of moving to where we had 12 different beaches within 30 minutes was a big draw as well. I figured that I could just work a lot of overtime to compensate for the pay loss. I would do anything for my family, that would become even more apparent in the upcoming months, but I digress.

When I first moved to start work, in an attempt to save money I had bought a derelict old sailboat to live on. I got it cheap and living aboard was extremely cheaper than renting an apartment here in St Petersburg, so until our property back in MS sold this was home for me. I actually had two distinct reasons for buying the derelict old 28’8 Columbia wide body ‘yacht’… I only said yacht because that’s what the title called it, and it had tickled me to think I was the owner of a ‘yacht’. While yes my main reason was to live on it, the second one was a reason that I no longer had to consciously think about anymore. It had become second nature I had been doing this for so long. It was so that I could stay ‘busy’ in my downtime. so that I didn’t have time to think about that impervious, invisible suit of armor I wore in miserable silence. In other words, I had learned to keep myself so busy, and so engaged doing things, that I never had to contemplate or focus on my own internal fear, and disgust with myself. It was an exhausting way to live, day to day, week to week, and eventually from year to year, but I had managed this way for a long time.

When I first moved on the boat, it was a wreck and a miracle that it wasn’t in the bottom of the bay yet. Being an aircraft mechanic for decades at this point left me with enough skills, that I started spending my every waking moment working on the old girl. Even though I was separated from my family, life was pretty good to tell the truth. We talked and face timed every day, and I was even able to make it home for Thanksgiving. By the time Christmas break had rolled around, my wife had decided to have Christmas in the land of sun, sand and palm trees. I mean how cool is it to be December and still walk around in tee shirts, shorts and flip flops. This was what led up to that fateful day.

My family had arrived late Saturday the 18th of December, and all of us were going to live on the boat until the New Years. Yeah I said all of us, my wife and I, our three daughters, and even their two dogs, all living for two weeks on a 28ft sailboat. While the dogs were small chihuahuas, the smaller of the two was the reason that I broke. While it was an extremely tight fit, I had been ecstatic that they were here so we made the best of it. I still had work to go to, and the next week my family was able to hit all the sights, and beaches. While the boat wasn’t quite ready it was close, and I had an idea so I kept working on the last minute things for that week.

The following Christmas morning, after breakfast and presents, we cast the lines off of the Boomer II, that’s what her previous owners named had named her. I had believed that the experience of spending Christmas Day sailing around Tampa Bay would have been life changing. I was right, but ultimately not the way I had thought. We had spent several hours sailing down to the Skyway Bridge, which had required little to no change of course with the way the wind had been blowing. Turning around though, brought a whole new set of challenges and ultimately led to my undoing.

We were about half way back to the marina, after countless jibing to keep the tack of the boat into the wind when it happened. We had put the dogs and the two younger girls down below, in an effort to keep accidents from happening. While my oldest daughter was still only 12, she was built just like me so she was tall and really strong for her age, I had decided to have her help jibing. Since my wife was having back issues at the time, her job was to ‘man’ the tiller while Elizabeth and I handled the sails. It had been working well, and the family was still having fun. Even with being ‘stuck’ down below, Gracie and Nicole were playing with a puzzle and some card games. After about two hours of constant jibing was when it happened. Jack, the smallest of the two, got sick.

Jack was one of the sweetest little dogs I had ever met, due to problems when he was born he was severely stunted and barely topped over 1lb. Not only being so tiny, he was one of the happiest little things I had ever seen and was always just wanting to love on everyone, that and be loved.

I was attending to reefing the mainsail, due to the winds picking up, so I was out of the cockpit and up at the mast when it happened. Gracie, not wanting to get Jack in trouble for being sick down below, stuck him out in the cockpit without anyone noticing. When I directed Elizabeth to adjust the traveler for the main, was when Jack’s head got stepped on when she moved into the cockpit. My whole world stopped at that moment when I heard Elizabeth’s scream. I immediately dropped the main and ran to see what had happened. That’s when I saw just how badly injured he was, and while he was still alive he was hurt… He was hurt really bad. Sadly I knew what I had to do.

Growing up like I did in a rural area, I had been around all sorts of animals, cows, pigs, chickens, and a lot of dogs. I’ve had to do the unthinkable before, but I always knew it was for the greater good. I had always been caring and compassionate, even if I couldn’t show just how much. I hated seeing an animal suffering, and I knew Jack was suffering, bad. With us still being about two hours from the marina and without any other way I knew what I had to do. For Jack, and my daughters, I had to make the decision to end his suffering, the only way I had available.

With the sails dipped down and the boat just bobbing in the waves, I directed my entire family down below and to close the hatch, I didn’t want them to witness this. I didn’t want this image burned into their minds, as far as how it affected me was irrelevant. I had dealt with pain my entire life, so I thought a little more wouldn’t matter. So I did what I had to do, I held the little guy as he whimpered painfully and then I took his little life… With my bare hands… It was the only thing I could think of, and when I felt his little body relax was when I broke.

I was sitting there with him in my hands when I felt the first tear streak down my face, then another… A few moments later the dam broke, and 32 years of pain and repressed emotions came out and I cried… It was that moment my armor shattered, into billions of pieces, never to be repaired again. It was in that moment holding Jack’s lifeless little body that was my downfall, but it also marked the beginning of my rebirth.

Before I go any further, like any good story, maybe I should start at the beginning.

 
 
To be continued as often as I can.
 

The story of a Transwoman’s difficult journey to find out who she really is, and to find acceptance in the world, but most importantly to find acceptance in herself.
.
Defining Moments
Chapter 2

---

---

Author's Note: I know that this isn't something to be read for pleasure, trust me it's hard for me to write. I do hope that sharing this might help someone, anyone... ~Rebecca

Over the last few years, at least since my transition, I have witnessed and heard many different conversations against someone like myself. They have ranged from, there wasn’t a strong male role model, we weren’t taught properly about God, or even that our parents pushed it upon us by forcing us to play a role against the gender we were born as. On the other side of the argument, from support groups and conversations, I’ve talked to many different transgender people about their varied experiences. Some have claimed they didn’t realize they were different until later in life, while some claim to have known from birth, or anytime in between. The one constant I’ve found is that all of our experiences, while similar, are still very different. I would like to be able to say that I came out of my mothers womb proudly proclaiming, “I am a girl!”, while that would make this much more entertaining to read, that’s not how it happened. There wasn’t anything in my early life that would give reason, or indication, to why I was different. My life back then, was mundanely normal, boring even.

I think that when we get older and look back at our lives, we are able to see things with much more clarity than we had then. I know now, that we were poor, and I don’t mean that we had to limit our eating out to one night a week poor. I mean the kind of poor that most would relate to the epitome of ‘poor white trash’. A small example is that I know now, that my parents would skip meals just so I wouldn’t have to, and often would send me to my aunts to eat simply because there was no food in our own kitchen. Years later, my Mom would tell me that there were times they were severely afraid that I might be taken away, simply because they struggled so hard to support me.

I was raised in an old trailer on family land that had been passed down for seven generations. The plot our trailer sat on wasn’t even directly ours, the land left to my Dad was not accessible, so my parents had parked our trailer on land that belonged to one of my aunts. With my Dad being a disabled war veteran from the US Army, he was unable to keep sustainable employment. My Mom was almost our only source of income, a medical secretary who was keeping our little family alive the best that she could. My Dad with his struggles, while it wasn’t diagnosed back then, would have made him a strong candidate for PTSD, at least from what my mother had finally confided to me. He had seen or done more than he could cope with when he was in Korea. Since his discharge and up to my birth, he had struggled with alcohol and nightmares but had found his salvation in his strong religious beliefs. His saving grace was that he had become a minister. He even had a church long before I had been born, but had given that up to became a traveling minister, speaking at different churches several times a month by the time I came along. My mother also had a strong faith, and how she received her strength was through music. I also credit her for my love of music, since I joke that since she was a choir director, that I have been attending choir practice since before I was born. Literally..

Even with the struggles that I know about now, my memories tell me otherwise. I don’t remember struggles, I remember having two parents who loved me, and showed it all the time. I didn’t remember a dad struggling with issues so bad he couldn’t hold a job, or a mom who was struggling so hard to hold it together that she cried almost every night. I don’t remember being upset at not having new name brand cloths, or seeing my parents feed me without eating themselves.

I remember having a dad who was there… I remember a mom who kept me fed, and in clean clothes… I didn’t know or care if they were thrift or hand me downs. I remember being loved, and safe with my parents. The way I remember things, my life was full. Over flowingly full most of the time.

Since my dad wasn’t employed, I remember that from the moment I woke up, and until I went to bed, he was always there, and I had become his little shadow. I had even been named Robert after him, so we were Bob and lil Robbie wherever we went. With his gifts and skills of mechanical and electrical repair of just about everything, he did odd jobs for the community, often doing the work for free just to help others, but occasionally those he helped were able to pay him. With the large parcel of family land, he also farmed, which meant that when mom was at work, I farmed too. Some of my best memories were spent in those fields. Especially those when he would shut off the tractor, an ancient 1942 International that only he could keep running, and we would sit in the field while he would break open a watermelon over his knee. Sitting there with Dad, both of us covered in sticky watermelon juice, is something I will hold dear to me for my entire life. Even though I’ve eaten hundreds of watermelons since, I can honestly say that I’ve never had one that ever tasted as sweet as those that we ate in that field. While Dad was tall, he was also slight of frame, and due to working in the field he was in good shape. All I knew was that my Dad was my hero, he was the strongest, friendliest, and funniest dad in the world.

My mom, even though she worked every day, was just as important in my life. With her directing music in the church, I was well grounded in the First Cumberland Presbyterian church as a child. She also gave me a strong love of music, that lives on to this day. Even though I was my Dad’s shadow, I took after my mom, with her wit, her humor, and her dedication to family. She was just as strong as my dad, maybe not physically but in other ways. She never would let me know just how difficult things were until much later, but always reinforced that I was loved and cared for.

That was how the earliest years in my life were spent. There were no markers that could lead to suggest that I was different or anything that could be argued as causation for it either. My life was simply going to church, helping my Dad farm, and just being a young child. Another great point in my life was that I had an Aunt that lived just down the road from us, with two of her four children. Whenever I wasn’t with either Dad or Mom, I spent time with my cousins. The two still at home, were Scott and Susan, both only a few years older than myself. While Susie was closer to my age, I spent more time with her than Scott, mostly because with the larger age gap, I was his ‘annoying little cousin’. That being said, yes, I would play with her and her dolls, but she would also play with me and my cars and Star Wars stuff. We also spent a lot of our time racing through the woods, fishing, flying kites, and even gorging ourselves with my aunts fruit trees until we’d make ourselves sick. I honestly didn’t know or understand any difference between “men” or “women” then, I was just a child and all those thoughts never surfaced… At least until I started kindergarten when I was five… It was then, that I started noticing the differences, however slight and barely perceptible. I’m not talking about how girls and boys dressed, that was superficial. The thing that struck me the most was how they interacted with each other. Until then, the only kids I had been around were my cousins, my moms boss’s children, or the children at church.

At first it was fun for me to be around so many other kids, but slowly I’d always find I’d gravitate towards the girls during recess. They were just more interesting, and fun to be around. The teachers would always try to push me back to playing with the boys, but the games they would play would always be very physical and at the time I was much smaller than the other boys. That ended up with me always being picked last for teams, and because I couldn’t keep up they would start becoming mean. While the bullying started out very slight in kindergarten, it was still there. The phrases, “Boys don’t cry”, and “Man up” had already started being used by the grown ups around me. I’d try my best to try to fit in with the rest of the boys, but I’d always end up being pushed down and teased to the point I’d cry. That only made things worse, not only with the boys, but my teachers as well, as they kept trying to reinforce “grow up and learn how to grow up to be a man” mentality. I tried to, I mean my Dad was my hero, I wanted more than anything to grow up and be just like him. I really did.

The girls though were much nicer to me. They wouldn’t tease me after I had ended up crying after the boys would ‘punish’ me for being ‘like a girl’. They’d actually invite me to play with them, either jumping rope, or hopscotch, or any other game they were playing. I’ve learned that later that girls can be just as mean, if not more so, than boys, but it was here where I noticed the difference in how they acted with each other. While yes, if one of the girls tripped while jumping rope, or messed up in any way, they would still get teased. Unlike the boys though, the teasing wasn’t mean, they would then encourage them to try again…

That’s how my experience started, as a small five year old, constantly teased and bullied for being a ‘crybaby’ or being a ‘girl’. I found the insult of being called a ‘girl’ was hurting me less and less, with the way the girls accepted me, not as a boy or a girly boy… They just accepted me as me, and they are who I wanted to be around. The divide between the boy’s and the girl’s grew slowly throughout kindergarten, but I didn’t care. I had my group of female friends, and while I got picked on by the boys, the girls liked having me play with them. That’s how it continued until 1st grade started.

Somewhere between the ages of five and six, the idea of boys being ‘icky’ had started to form with the girls. Maybe it was the conditioning they had to go through, just as I was being conditioned to be a boy. Regardless of the cause, by the time that 1st grade started, I was still a target of ridicule by the boys, and for the first time the girls started rejecting me… Only because I was an ‘icky’ boy… Nothing I tried to do helped, all I could do was sit and watch from the sidelines. Knowing I was supposed to be a boy, I still tried to fit in with them without any luck. Every time I tried only ended up with more ridicule and bullying. I just didn’t understand why they acted like they did, and trust me I tried.

It was during this time, that I told Susie how badly things were going, and how much I hated being a boy and having to try to fit in with them. In our young ages, six and seven respectively, the simple answer was if I was a girl then I wouldn’t have to play with the boys anymore. It was then, that after ‘borrowing’ some of my cousins clothes that Rebecca was discovered. Susie started treating me then like I was simply a girl now and I remember how freeing it felt to not have to ‘be a boy’. We didn’t tell either of our parents about this, for some reason we knew we had to keep it a secret.

For the next year, even though I had to deal with the rejection and harassment at school, whenever I was alone with Susie, I could just be Rebecca. Most of the time, It didn’t even require me to change out of my boy clothes or anything, I just simply was ‘her’ when I was alone with my cousin. It wasn’t perfect, but it helped enough that I could deal with school and being treated like I was. Then came the summer and I was spending a lot more time with Susie, until one day my Mom had come hope early to pick me up from my Aunt’s and found us playing with makeup. She became livid, not only at me, but my cousin and my Aunt for letting it happen. My aunt tried to tell her we were just playing, and it was no big deal, but my Mom didn’t see it that way. I was forbidden to spend much time with Susie or even to go over to my Aunt’s without either Mom or Dad with me. The reinforcement that God made me a boy became so much stronger at home, and I started feeling more and more lost. The sense of wrongness and being corrected all the time to be a boy just grew as I started 2nd grade.

My memories are a bit faded at this point, I think that my mind blocked out most of it trying to protect myself. I do know that my entire world stopped on that day in August 1980. While my mom was still mad at them, It had been long enough at that point, that my cousins were allowed to come over to our trailer and it was there playing on our front porch, when I remembered my Aunt having to rush my Dad to the hospital. He had collapsed in the field and couldn’t be revived. I was left there with Susie and Scott until my Mom came to get me several hours later, the whole time not knowing what was happening.

I know that my Dad never regained consciousness. He suffered a heat stroke while working in the field, and collapsed. I have no actual memory of that or the next several days, I don’t even remember when mom told me that he had died. She had told me how withdrawn I became, and had shut everyone out but Susie. I have no recollection from that moment until the day of his funeral. His funeral sticks out in my memory from the loud report of the rifles, as soldiers gave the twenty one gun salute to a fallen brother. It was that day that a little seven year old boy had to say goodbye to his Dad, his hero, someone who he had thought was immortal, that has been etched into my memory. It was the percussion of the rifles reverberating through my small body that forever etched that memory, on the day we laid a giant to rest.

 
 
To be continued as often as I can.
 

The story of a Transwoman’s difficult journey to find out who she really is, and to find acceptance in the world, but most importantly to find acceptance in herself.
.
Defining Moments
Chapter 3

---

---

Author's Note: I know that this isn't something to be read for pleasure, trust me it's hard for me to write. While this is mostly me purging old demons, I do hope that sharing this might help someone, anyone to know they aren't alone... ~Rebecca

The next few months of my life, I had to piece together over the years, only from hearing bits and pieces from my mom. No matter how much I’ve tried to remember, those several months have been and continue to be, mostly blank to me. I had asked my mom what had happened during that time, hoping to jog my memory. The best I could ever do was to remember how I felt at the time, with hardly anything else. As one would expect, I remember feeling hurt, and a sense of loss over my dad, but there was more. I also remember feeling betrayed by my mom, and also yet more hurt and loss from being moved away from my Aunt’s… And also Susie. I’ve also found out that I was able to meet my step-dad on the same day we buried Dad. He was there to pay his respects to a friend, and fellow soldier, as they were both in Korea at the same time. He had buried his wife earlier that year, and when paying his respects, he reconnected with my Mom. It was three days shy of being three months from the day my Dad passed away, to when my mom married Ernie…

I know now, many of the reasons that they married so quickly, hindsight being what it is. The truth of the matter is that with the cost of the funeral and the medical bills from Dad’s collapse, had Ernie not come in when he did, Mom would have lost the trailer, and also me. Scraping like she had been doing we were already behind on pretty much everything, and by the time of the funeral she had seen the writing on the wall. They had also been friends already long before I was ever born. Ernie and his family used to be in my Dad’s congregation back when my parents had lived in Mississippi back in the early 60’s. With the death of Ernie’s wife earlier in the year, and then when Dad died, they both reconnected in their friendship and shared loss. Sadly I knew, or understood, none of those things at the time. I only knew that months after we lost Dad that I was loosing everything else I knew, my home, my friends, my Aunt and my cousins.

That’s what led me to having a ‘new’ Dad just six days after I turned eight years old. We did spend Christmas in our trailer five days after their ceremony, but the week afterwards was spent packing our meager possessions and moving our lives to Starkville, MS, which was where Ernie lived. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to the few friends I did have in the 2nd grade, before we moved. Not really fitting in with most of the kids, I had drifted to the ‘outcast’ clique. Yeah, even back then in elementary school there were cliques already forming.

Even with how hazy my memories are, I distinctly remember how frightening starting a new school halfway through the year was for me. I also remember that was when I started comparing myself to a ghost. I was determined to fit in and be the boy I thought my Dad would be proud of. I had created this image in my head, not only of the man that he was, but also how other boys were. My goal starting the new school was to be that boy.

To say that it was a steep learning curve for me to try to fit in to a new school, would be one of the worlds greatest understatements. The remainder of the school year only proved that I couldn’t truly fit in, anywhere. The more I tried to emulate the other boys, at least the more popular ones, only caused my behavior to get me into more and more trouble. I thought that if I copied what the other kids did, but just do it more, that I would no longer be laughed at or picked on. It also caused me to get into trouble, not only with the teachers, but also my parents. It was quickly believed that my behavior was directly linked to me acting out because of what happened with my Dad. I guess indirectly it was, but not for any reason anyone thought.

My behavior also got me ‘incarcerated’ in an older type daycare where it seemed like mostly troubled kids were, simply because my parents didn’t trust me to stay at home during the summer. Also with their reasoning it also meant that after school I would get dropped off at the hospital where my mom worked and be stuck with her in her office until she finished work in the evening. That was my life for the next few years.

Towards the end of 2nd grade I completely gave up trying to fit in, the embarrassment of my failures were too much for me to bear. It was also the time that I started reading heavily, basically anything I could get my hands on. The ability to get lost in a story was heaven for me, it was the only time that I could truly forget about everything. That was my escape, from the bullying, from the failure to fit in, and also the perceived way I had failed living up to what I thought my Dad would have expected of me.

I find it fascinating how difficult most of my memories are to recall during those years, except those I have of the first times I read a new book. I still vividly remember the first time I sat foot in the Lantern Waste with Lucy, or the first times I set sight of Middle Earth, or fighting the cauldron born alongside Taran in Prydain. I honestly think my closest friends were people who I’d never met, CS Lewis, Lloyd Alexander, Tolkien, and Herbert. That’s how I lived my life, enduring the real world until I could truly feel alive between the pages.

A positive outcome from my voracious reading habits, is that I developed an incredible level of comprehension of anything I read, plus I was a borderline speed reader by the time I was 11. Information came easily to me, no matter what it was. I was an A student, and because I no longer was causing any trouble from my ‘acting out’ my parents began to trust me more and more. It was also ultimately the reason I found out why I felt like I did.

As I have said before, after school I had to go to the hospital where my Mom worked. She was the first ever Medical Staff Secretary for the hospital, and she dealt with all of the doctors in the hospital. Since she was also the first one in that position there wasn’t an office ready, so they made the medical library her office. So the times that I was stuck there waiting for her to finish her job, when I didn’t have homework or a book to read, I’d start reading medical journals. It was somewhere towards the end of the school year of 4th Grade when I came across an article in one of the journals. It described, in as much detail that was available in 1983, people who had felt wrong in their bodies, people like myself that felt completely wrong in the gender we were born in. For me it was an epiphany, I wasn’t the only person that felt like that. Over the remainder of the year I’d often reread that article, and try to find anything else related to the subject with what was available in the library. Sadly there wasn’t much that I could find. It was enough though for the wheels to start turning in my head.

It was during the start of 5th Grade, when my parents finally started to trust me enough to go straight home from school, my grades and behavior had given my parents the impression that I was as close to the ‘perfect’ child that one could get. That granted me a lot more freedom in the afternoon, which meant I had almost 3 hours almost every day to start exploring my feminine side. At first that just meant I could quit trying to act like a boy should, or at least how my young mind perceived it. Even if no one else was in the house at the time. I started to quit feeling so withdrawn, and as time progressed my mood throughout the day started improving. By the time the second semester had come around I had started trying to look more feminine for those few hours each day, playing with my moms makeup or trying on some of her clothes that she no longer wore. I was trying to rediscover the girl that I had thought had been gone forever. It was working, and working well. I was becoming more and more confident in myself about the direction my life was heading. Except for the time around Susie it was some of the happiest moments of my young life.

It was also during this time that I had been given the ‘birds and the bee’s talk by my parents, and also when the boys and girls were split to watch a video showing the difference between the sexes. What I was hearing was terrifying for me, the thought of growing big and hairy, having to shave my face, and having my voice drop into a masculine register was the last thing I wanted. Even with a short boyish hairstyle I could still look convincingly like the girl I pictured in my mind.

Armed with the new knowledge and what I had discovered in the medical library I started making a plan on how to talk to my parents and get them to understand. I was so sure of myself by the time summer break had started, I had it all figured out, or so I had thought. I just knew that once my Mom saw how content and happy I was as Rebecca, that she would listen to me and help me to become her. With them having given me the, “You can be whatever you want to be, just as long as you’re happy and healthy speech’ countless times, it made sense to my naive and preteen mind.

Over the end of the school year I had been collecting clothes from a friends donation bag his parents had started collecting. He had three older sisters all who were close to my size, and they always started outgrowing their clothes that were bought at the beginning of the year, it was like a treasure trove for me. In my desperation, I had rationalized since they were giving them away, it was okay and wasn’t hurting anyone.

It was the second week of summer break that I decided to put my plan in action. I was several weeks past due for a haircut, I had faked not feeling well every time Mom had planned to take me to the barber. I got up early to see my parents off for work, which surprised them that I got up on a non-school day before 7AM. I waited about an hour after they left just in case sure they didn’t forget something and come back home. The last thing I wanted was for them to surprised me half way through all my prep work. I intended to look my absolute best when they came home, it was going to be perfect.

I spent an hour taking a bath with my moms bath beads, and spent extra time carefully shaving what little fuzz I did have on my legs and underarms. I had been keeping my eyebrows neat, but now this time I actually shaped them. I had also been filing my nails for several weeks, keeping them shaped and clean and growing a bit longer as well. I had even taking one of my moms sewing needles and pierced my ears that morning. It was well after noon by the time I had my hair and nails done, my makeup immaculate, with my hair curled in cute blonde curls. I put on a nice, but well worn, black skirt with a maroon sleeveless top, and a pair of mom’s 3in heels that she rarely wore. I admired myself for almost an hour, practicing my smile just so I could prove how happy I was. Then I waited.

By the time I was ready, I only had about an hour and a half until mom was Due home, so I waited in the living room with no distractions, so I wouldn’t miss hearing her drive up. When she arrived, I went and stood at the doorway and waited for her to open the door. I was expecting her to be surprised, but I was positive she would see my smile and everything would be okay. It had to be.

People often say that I have one of the most expressive faces they have ever seen, something that passed down directly from my mother. I remember vividly how all my hope and happiness started to fall with each range of emotion that passed over her face. First it was shock, which was expected, then disbelief, confusion, then anger. At that point I stepped back in fear, and softly told her, “Mom? It’s me… I wanted you to see me… This is who I really am…”

In anger, she retorted, “This is all your damn Aunt’s fault and her kids! They made you think that this is okay! You’re not a girl, you're a boy Robbie!!!” Seeing the hurt in my face, seemed to catch her in the middle of her rage, then the anger turned to something even worse. As tears started falling from both of our eyes, her face slowly shifted from anger to shame…

She ran to her bedroom, which was next to mine and locked her door. I knocked and called out to her, begging her to talk to me, but the only response I got was her sobbing. After several long moments I gave up and went into my bedroom, and I started removing everything… The whole time I could hear her crying in shame over me… Which only made my tears fall even faster, I had hurt my Mom, after everything she had done for me, this was all my fault.

That was the day that self doubt started replacing the hope that had faded. It was the day I showed my mom the real me, the best version of myself, the day she rejected me… I ended up taking off everything that screamed Rebecca, and sat in my room just waiting for them to come talk to me, or yell at me or anything else… I sat there on my bed waiting for them, until I finally fell asleep. With no one even checking on me the rest of the night.

I still remember how it felt to be that self assured, and having that much hope… Even after 5 years in my transition I still am striving to have that level of confidence that my 12 year old self had on that day…

 
 
To be continued as often as I can.
 

The story of a Transwoman’s difficult journey to find out who she really is, and to find acceptance in the world, but most importantly to find acceptance in herself.
.
Defining Moments
Chapter 4

---

---

Author's Note: This was was a very difficult chapter to write, so I urge you to observe the cautions with this part. Even though I still feel the need to share this part of my story, secretly I hope no one reads it. ~Rebecca

Most people probably never have to come face to face with their own personal boogyman, I unfortunately was not so lucky. I met mine a week after I had tried to come out, and was introduced to him by none other than my own mother. I had been promised that he was going to help me, at 12 years old I unfortunately misunderstood the ‘help’ he was going to administer.

Nothing had been said to me about meeting Mom as Rebecca, and the only time I tried to bring it up I was sent to my room the rest of the day and seemingly forgotten. I learned quickly not to bring it up, unless I wanted to spend the rest of the day in complete and utter solitude. So you can imagine my surprise when I was told to get in the car, because Mom had found someone that had promised to help me.

Meeting Dr. Bill the first time was actually a pleasant experience, he seemed to be a jovial older man with a warm smile. I immediately liked him, at first. Our first session he had told me what my Mom had witnessed, and even asked if I wanted to be called Rebecca. He had also expressed that what was said in our meetings was secret and we both promised that we’d never tell anyone else what we talked about. I was ecstatic, this nice old man understood and was going to help me, so I of course told him yes. The first couple of sessions was about opening up and telling him everything, he had said for him to do his best he needed to know, so I gladly obliged. I couldn’t ever imagined how he’d have used what I told him against me in the months to come.

After I had completely opened up to him, he had suggested that the only way to be sure if I was really a girl was to try to be a boy. After that point, the more I tried to insist I was Rebecca, the more and more frustrated he would get with me. At the end of the first month he had prescribed some medication for me, he had told my mom it was for my anxiety. He had claimed I was being unruly in our meetings and it would only make me more relaxed, and also make it easier to help me.

The prescription was immediately filled and I was started on it that night. At first I thought it wasn’t working because I didn’t feel different. About a week after I started taking the meds, I noticed that occasionally I’d read whole paragraphs in one of my books only to not remember what I had read just seconds earlier. I also started finding it harder and harder to focus or concentrate. The entire time though our sessions continued.

When I would start trying to insist that I was a girl, Dr. Bill would get me easily confused, and flustered. I couldn’t recall information that I had read from the medical journals, and then Dr. Bill starting using the memory of my Dad against me. Since I had already told him that Dad was a minister, he also started using religion against me as well. Even had I not been drugged I probably couldn’t have withstood his onslaught.

At the beginning of this part of my therapy he used my Dad’s calling to make me feel ashamed of not living up to the man of God that was my father. He then used that shame to make me believe that if I prayed hard enough that God would cure me and I could live up to what Dad would have wanted. When the prayers failed to work, it then became my fault, because I obviously didn’t love and trust God enough. Otherwise I’d have been cured by now… This is how it went on for several months.

About five months into ‘curing’ me, our sessions took a much darker turn. I know that sounds hard to believe, after all at this point I firmly believed that my Dad was looking down at me in shame, as well as my Mom and Step-Dad. I also believed that I was weak because I wasn’t worthy enough for God to cure me, and to top it all off, that because I was so weak that God hated me. Still though it got much darker.

He started bringing up how God punished the wicked, and that’s how God saw me, a wicked little boy who thought he was a girl. He then started twisting the things I had told him, to ‘prove’ how much God had already punished me. The reason that my parents had been poor in the beginning, why I was always being bullied, and then there was the kicker. To save such a holy man of the cloth from the shame of having to be around a girly boy like me, that God took my Dad away. His death was my punishment for feeling the way I did. All because I couldn’t just be happy as a boy, God supposedly killed my Dad. Being drugged up, and overwhelmed by what he was saying, I couldn’t argue back, I couldn’t deny what he was saying, so I just nodded and absorbed it. It was that moment that my resolve was broken, as was my will. Another five months with him, he finally declared me cured to my parents.

Needless to say my parents were happy with the news, they were so excited that I was cured, but they didn’t see how truly withdrawn or despondent I had become. I guess in a way you could say I was cured, I mean I didn’t want to be a girl anymore, I desperately wanted to be a boy. I hated the thought of being a girl. It still didn’t change the fact that down deep I knew I still felt like a girl, so that simply caused the anger and self loathing to start building up. That’s how that kind of therapy ‘cures’ people, it doesn’t, it just make you hate yourself so damn much that you’d do anything to keep anyone from finding out the truth so you look like you’re cured to the outside world.

I was 13 by this time and in the second semester of 7th grade. Due to the medications effects my grades had significantly dropped, I had gone from a mostly A student with an occasional B to a mostly C student with an occasional D. With me being supposedly cured, I was able to come off of the medication and the fog started lifting. The only problem now was I no longer cared about my grades, or much else. My parents had let my grades slide while I was undergoing treatment, but now that it was over they expected, no demanded, I return to an A student. It never happened, so I stayed grounded until I was 16 and working. Being forced to stay at home, other than being able to attend school, or church functions, wasn’t punishment for me though. Where I was at, mentally, being forced to stay at home was a blessing.

Coming out of the therapy I was at such a dark place, but I knew that if people found out how depressed I really was that I would get sent back to therapy. That wasn’t going to happen, so I learned how to put on a happy face no matter how much further I sunk. I was also afraid, not of just being found out, but of people I cared about being taken away, just like my Dad was. I stayed distant from people, I mean I would talk to people at school but didn’t strive to form any close friendships. I couldn’t do that to them, being a friend to me would just be too dangerous. To protect the people around me I chose to retreat further into my shell, the shell that people saw, my armor had started forming. It was also when the thought of how much better off people would be if I simply disappeared, how much safer they’d be, started to permeate.

There were other things that I had to do as well, to try to fit in and n0t draw attention to myself. I became an avid observer, not out of fascination but for survival. Because I still didn’t understand how most guys thought, or the reasons they acted the way they did, my life started becoming all about percentages. Probably not what you’re thinking, but I couldn’t make any decision or action without running the percentages. I had to weigh each and every thing that happened to me, and respond how I perceived the largest percentage of guys would. In my earlier days, I guess you could say it was fairly comical but I probably came across as a nerdy spastic kid. That was okay, it kept people from actively trying to be a close friend. The way I saw it was at least that way they were protected, from me.

By the time I entered high school I was beyond a mess. At least internally, externally I think most people just saw a goofy kid that while socially awkward was mostly happy. I was perfecting my armor, and while it wasn’t foolproof yet, it let me survive and function. At this time my parents had given up grounding me for my grades, I think they had sort of given up as well. I guess I did fairly well considering how little effort I put into school. I was an average B/C student at this point, only because I never did homework or study. I also hardly ever slept. Another result of my therapy were my nightmares, it was basically a play by play of the worst moments in my therapy.

My not sleeping was probably the only trouble I got into with my parents, they’d have to pass my bedroom when they got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Most nights I’d get yelled at around 2-3AM, that was when they’d make their pilgrimage to the toilet. They’d see my light still on and me deep into a book. Reading and playing my video games were my only reprieve from my thoughts. There were quite a large number of days that I’d go to school with less than 2 hours of sleep, if I got any at all. That was basically how I lived my public school life, I went through all the motions and silently just endured.

By the time I turned 16, I was told to get a job, it would make me more responsible my parents had stated. I started working at a grocery store part time, simply because it was expected of me. This was before any labor laws were in effect for teens, so I was trudging along working 30-34 hours a week and attending school. Since I wasn’t able to escape as much through reading, this was when I learned my other survival method. Keep moving, and keep busy, from the time I woke up till the time I laid down at night I was constantly doing something. It kept me from thinking about my internal demons as much, while not as effective as getting lost in a story it worked mostly.

It was also at work where I developed a couple of friends, at the time I thought it was great, until I realized their motivations a few years later. Sadly I was just entertainment for them, I know that now, my social gaffs would be amusing to them. The other benefit for them was that, I was their scapegoat with their own parents. It’s funny, the first time I every tried drugs, or got drunk was with my ‘friends’, only to find out later they had told their parents that I was the cause of it.

While I didn’t care for the drugs, I found out I loved who I was when I was drunk. I no longer cared what people thought of me when I got trashed, and it was about the only time that I could stand my own company. So at 17 years old, I became a functional drunk. Passing out at night was preferable then going to sleep naturally, because I wouldn’t dream. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but it worked…

I had hated school so much, than even with my less than stellar grades I was only one credit shy of graduating after my junior year. I attended summer school for that credit just so I could escape, college had to be better or so I had thought. So what should have been my senior year, was my first year in a community college. My parents had given up their dreams of me becoming an engineer. I loved working with my hands, and anything related to aviation, so I started technical school to be an aircraft mechanic. Another benefit that I thought at the time, was that one of my friends who had just graduated was going to the same school, even he was taking different classes. That let us carpool, another benefit for him, was that he didn’t have to spend his gas money that way…

I honestly thought it would have been better than high school, but I was actually treated worse in tech school than the bullies treated me in high school. Most of the guys in the class were already in their early twenties and here I was at 17 in the classroom with them. I made an easy target, but still didn’t stop them from inviting me to a lot of their parties, simply because I was a funny drunk. The year just pressed on.

I had gotten the noticed during the summer after my 1st year in college that the instructor had been fired, but not to worry they would hire another. Then the weeks kept going by then months and they had yet to hire another instructor. It should have been half way through my 1st semester back when I received a call from the Navy recruiter, who promised me everything. I was thinking really hard about it, then Kuwait was invaded by Iraq. In my sense of duty, and thinking this was the way to make not only my Dad, but my Step-Dad proud I enlisted.

I actually loved being in the Navy, for the first time I felt part of something. I liked how everything was structured, I knew what I had to do, and when I had to do it. I trusted my shipmates and they trusted me, it was a huge melting pot of personalities, ethnicities, and religions; we were all different, but the same. Other than the physical aspects, boot camp was also easy for me. Mostly it was a huge mind game, and at this point I was an expert with that, so I sailed through easily. Since I already had college I went in as an E-2 and my Company Commanders recommended me for E-3 upon graduating boot.

I also found out how much working out helped me burn my anger. With limited space available, I couldn’t have my mountain of books, but working out helped. I had gone into boot standing 6ft tall and a chubby 180lbs, two months later I was up to a trim and fit 215lbs. I continued working out my entire Navy career, which unfortunately was cut short… All because of my issues. No I didn’t come out again or anything, I still despised myself too much for that. It was the nightmares becoming more and more vivid. Dr. Bill in my dreams had become twisted, even more than he was in our sessions, and I started sleep walking. A year and a half after the day I enlisted I was sitting back at home on a medical discharge. I had failed, at the only thing I had truly enjoyed at this point.

I was 19 years old at this point, and the only thing I had to show for it was my part time job at a grocery store. I didn’t have school, the friends I did have I had realized only hung around me because they used me for entertainment. While they didn’t show it, I felt that my parents were so disappointed in me for my failures. That is how I perceived myself, as an complete and utter failure. How everything that had happened to me was because of who I was, on the inside. It was just further punishment from God, for not being able to get over it. Those thoughts that had haunted me for so long came to the forefront, how much better it would be for everyone if I just disappeared. I had fallen into such a depression at this point, even my books wouldn’t give me any solace. Just a few months after I was discharged, I made my decision. To protect everyone else, and to escape my own life. I was convinced that I was already going to hell for not being able to stop feeling like I did, I was ready to go, I felt I deserved it.

A few weeks later, I had told everyone I was going on a week long camping trip. Nobody even batted an eye, they all wished me a lot of fun and how they expected to hear about it when I returned. Except I didn’t go camping, I had gone and rented a cheap hotel a few hours away from home. It was where I was going to say goodbye. I had planned this over and over so many times, I was extremely calm. I no longer had any doubt. I had done my research, and I knew with what I was going to take, and how much. I’d simply fall asleep and never wake up, waking up wasn’t an option.

It was on that late fall evening, a few months before I was going to be 20, that I hung the do not disturb sign on the door. I was paid up for the week, so they would never come to check on me until I was a no show at checkout. I had thought about writing a note to let people know why, but I couldn’t do it. Even in that moment my self loathing made me think it was better for everyone else if they didn’t know. I carefully counted out the pills, four times a lethal dose, and said a final prayer. Not for me, but those I was leaving behind, wishing that without me they would be happier.

I then took all of my pills, it took me 6 handfuls in rapid succession, and then laid down to wait. The tears were still flowing when everything faded out.

 
 
To be continued as often as I can.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 1

---

---

Author's Note: I’ve had to take a break from my autobiography, some things didn’t like being stirred back up. I plan on returning to it and finishing one day, I just don’t see that day coming soon. In the meantime I wanted to share with you another story that has been bouncing around in my head for awhile. ~Rebecca

Sarah knew that she was running late as soon as she stepped inside of her house. She was mentally kicking herself for not skipping her Saturday Yoga class this morning, even knowing how important it had been for her to have gone. The stress of the last week had been getting to her, and even though she was now rushing, she was calmer and much more centered than she had been when she woke up this morning. While she had quit counting, she knew that she had spent a minimum of sixty hours working since Tuesday morning. Lack of sleep and the situation at work had resulted in her being extremely stressed.

She both loved and hated her job at moments like this. Even with the stress of so many people counting on her, she lived for the excitement, and yet another chance to prove herself. That was probably her biggest character flaw, her constant need to prove just how good she was at her job. For the last eleven years, she had worked for an engineering firm in the Pacific Northwest, ever since she earned her masters degree in mechanical engineering. She had overcome a lot of prejudices and peoples perceptions of her after she first started working there. With her dedication and work ethic, she had moved from a glorified secretary to now being a team lead. She had always demanded excellence from her team, but unlike some leads she had seen, she had demanded no less of herself. Her team always delivered results, consistently ahead of deadlines. That was one of the many reasons she had earned and held her current position, her constant drive for excellence. Her small group would work 24/7 for her if she asked, only because they knew she would be there every minute with them.

She, and her team, had spent the last eighteen months working on improving an existing gear system for a local aircraft manufacturer. Due to rising maintenance costs, their ultimate goal was to modify an existing design to make it as maintenance free as possible. They had been so very close to achieving the target of forty thousand cycles. They had been within six thousand cycles shy of that goal when a small link had failed. A small part, barely three by six inches in size had cracked, and that had caused her team to scramble to find out the cause.

It had first started as a section wide email sent late Tuesday morning, alerting everyone of the failure, followed shortly by the main partners voicing their displeasure with her and her team. Sarah knew their design shouldn’t have failed, they had run the simulations hundreds upon hundreds of times. The next few days had been spent investigating the cause of the failure. It was late Thursday evening when they found the problem. The schematics they had drawn up, specifically called for a certain alloy and then for heat treating the part to achieve the proper hardness and durability. The supplier for the machinist they contracted with, had evidently shipped improperly labeled stock. The Rockwell hardness was a bit higher than our design had specified, which only meant after so many cycles it had work hardened and became excessively brittle during the testing and cracked. With the alloy being so close in weight, it had been overlooked during the milling process.

On Friday, Sarah had spent approximately seven hours in the office, running through more simulations, showing all their results and findings to the members of the firm. Finally late last night they had given the go ahead to start the test over as soon as the equipment could be reset and the new part remanufactured. With the next test resting completely on her and her teams shoulders, she didn’t get home from the testing facility and the machine shop until almost midnight. She had spent the rest of that day ensuring the new testing rig was up to specs, and now she was only waiting on the machinist to finish the new link.

Ben had told her at the machine shop that it wouldn’t be ready until close to 3PM, she knew Ben well enough to know that she needed to be there a few hours early. Not because she didn’t trust him, it was because she knew he would have it finished by the time she got there. Ben was the production manager at the shop, and since the faulty part was on them, he had given her his word that he would ensure this was done right personally. The firm had been using that shop for well over a decade and Sarah had developed a strong trust with Ben and he likewise with her. She also knew that he wouldn’t sleep until the part was finished, which was why she was going in before his estimated time of delivery. She had to do the final inspection alongside Ben and then deliver it to the testing facility. The sooner she got there, the sooner the testing could resume, and that her friend could also get some much needed sleep.

She was hoping to leave her house no later than 11AM so she could get to the shop just before noon, which gave her just over an hour to eat, shower, and hit the road. With every minute counted to her, she didn’t want to waste a second. She was doing her best not to think about how much this setback was costing the firm with each hour of inactivity. She settled for a quick, serving of cottage cheese and fruit before she headed upstairs to get cleaned up after her workout.

Half an hour later after she had dried off, she did spend a few minutes admiring her reflection in her full length mirror. That was one of her guilty pleasures, admiring all the hard work she had put into her almost thirty-five year old body. She had one more day though, until she could properly claim that number. Even so, over a decade of proper diet, and exercise, had left her with a body many college girls would envy. Even though she had narrow hips, she wasn’t lacking in curves, and had a lithe athletic body most women would kill for.

Quickly shaking herself from her admiration, she donned a pair of jeans, tank top, light jacket, and a pair of flats. Noting that her shoulder length light brown hair was still damp from her shower, she put it in a quick ponytail to keep it manageable since she was taking her convertible today. Her and Ben had designed a new front end suspension for her replica car she and friends had built over the last few years, and he had been wanting to test it out for himself. Taking a last quick look in the mirror, she smiled knowing that she looked like she should still be in college and not helping run a multi million dollar engineering contract. With just a bit of mascara and a touch of lipstick she decided she was done, and went downstairs to get her stuff ready to leave.

As she was making sure she had everything together, she ran her hand lovingly over the worn out leather backpack she had been carrying for over a decade. Several of the girls in the office would often kid her about the dilapidated old bag, and how she refused to ever carry a purse. She knew she needed to retire the poor thing, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Even if it had more hand stitched repairs on it than the original machine stitching it had when it was new. People just didn’t understand what it meant to her. April, her older sister, had given it to her right as she had started college. April had even given her a hard time about it the last time she had seen her, back when April had gotten really sick. She had told Sarah if she didn’t buy a new bag that she was going to be forced to buy another one for her… Unfortunately the cancer spread too fast for her to keep that promise.

Sarah slowly fell down to her couch clutching the old leather bag as the memories of April’s last few months filled her mind, with tears slowly falling on the soft and worn leather. April had stayed close to home in Florida, while Sarah had moved as far away from that place as possible while still staying in the continental United States. With the distance, Sarah had only been able to visit a few times, before April got too sick to stay by herself anymore. They had stayed in touch through Skype, and would aggravate each other with Snapchat filters till their stomachs hurt from laughing so hard. It had only been three months since she had flown back home to say her final goodbye to her sister, and sometimes it still hurt just as much as when she first got the news. There was no way she could ever get rid of the bag.

She was drawn out of her memories by a loud and sudden knocking on her front door. She hadn’t been expecting anyone, so she assumed it was someone wanting to sell something. She wiped the tears off her face and took a few seconds to try to regain her composure before she walked to her front door. Looking through the peephole it took her a few seconds to recognize the two people standing outside her door. When she realized who it was, she immediately felt her adrenaline kick in.

Within seconds she was angry, scared, and hurt all at the same time. What the hell could they want with her… Now? After all these years?! How dare they come here?!? She had only seen them once in the last nineteen years, and that one time had been almost more than she could take…

Standing outside her door were her parents. The same parents who had kicked her out of the house when she was still in high school. The same parents who disowned her when she had told them… When she had told them that she was really a girl…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 2

---

---

Author's Note: I had been able to write several chapters before I started posting, hopefully I’ll be able to keep a fairly quick posting schedule for this one. It’s writing itself fairly quickly ~Rebecca

Stepping back from the door, Sarah’s heart started racing and felt like it was going to jump right out of her chest. The last time she had seen them was at her sisters funeral just three months prior, and it didn’t affect her this bad. She realized that time, she had been able to mentally prepare herself. She then remembered how that time they hadn’t recognized her as their long lost son, maybe they still didn’t know… Then again what were they doing here now? She was taking long deep breaths trying to calm down, when another knock on the door caused her to jump.

Slowly, she opened the door, doing her absolute best to hide her fear and anger that was burning just under the surface. Staring at the last two people in the world she wanted to see, she noticed how much older they looked. Even older than they were at the funeral just a few months ago. Trying her best to smile, she said, “Can I help you?”

Her parents, Bill and Joan, looked up hopefully, then Joan spoke, “I’m sorry to bother you, but we were looking for a Sara Marks. She was a friend of our daughters and…” Her voice just stopped as recognition dawned on her face. “You were at her funeral, weren’t you?”

Sarah sighed, “April’s? Yes… I was there… She was a sorority sister of mine… I’m Sarah, I’m so sorry for your loss Mr. and Mrs. Richardson…” Her voice started cracking, so she cleared her throat in an attempt to hide her emotions. “I’m sorry but I’m running late for something, is there something I can do for you?” She asked, no longer being able to mask her frustration.

Joan gasped, as she looked directly at Sarah for several seconds. Finally she asked softly, “Brian? Is that you?” Sara couldn’t help but grimace at hearing that name, especially seeing who had uttered it. Then Sarah was caught off guard when the next thing she heard her mother say was, “You’re so beautiful….”

Still more angry than confused though, she said through clenched teeth, “I’m… Sarah… I haven’t been Brian in a long… A really long time… Now what do you want!?”

Joan started to take a step back, but bumped into Bill who was standing behind her. He gently said, “Sarah please, we have to… I mean… Can we please talk to you… It’s important… I promise…May we come in?”

Realizing they probably wouldn’t leave till they said whatever they had come to say, reluctantly she said, “Fine… I hope its important enough to be worth traveling twenty-five hundred miles…” She then stepped back to let the older couple in. After closing the door behind them, she led them to the kitchen table. The living room was meant for guests she actually wanted in her home. “Do you want something to drink? I have water, milk, and green tea… That’s it. I don’t want you to think I’m a bad host as well.”

They both shook their heads no, then looked at each other as if to figure out who was going to start. Several long moments later, Sara snapped, “Will you just say what you came to say for crying out loud? Let’s just get this out of the way! I do have someplace else I need to be! You both just remember something, if you came all this way to say anything you’ve already said to me before, I can just kick you out of my house this time! That’s something I learned how to do from the best!” She immediately cringed at the amount of venom she heard in her own voice… Also seeing the stricken look on her father’s face, along with the tears starting down her mother’s, didn’t do anything to make her feel any better either. Taking a deep breath, she said much more calmly, “That was... mean… I’m sorry…”Joan just started crying, which only made Sarah feel even worse.

Bill sadly said, “Don’t apologize… We deserved that… And then some…” as he looked down towards his feet.

Sarah was trying to figure out what was going on, these weren’t the same people from her youth, or let alone even at April’s funeral. They looked worn down, and beaten… Suddenly Joan looked up through her tear filled eyes at Sarah , and just barely got the words, “I’m so sorry”, out of her mouth, before she stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Sarah continuing to apologize.

Sarah started to return the embrace, after all this was what she had been praying for, the night she had come out… She didn’t realize how much she had missed her mom’s hugs. Then she remembered what had happened instead, and quickly shrugged off the hug, and said, “Look you can’t come and say you’re sorry and expect everything to be okay… It’s not okay, and I don’t know if you can ever make what you did okay!!!” She had started to cry again as well, confused and with her emotions constantly bouncing back and forth she whimpered, “Will you just please tell me why you are here…”

Joan started reaching into her purse to grab something, then paused to say, “I don’t know if you knew… You probably did since she stayed close to you… Our relationship with April had been strained for a long time… Ever since…” she paused trying to find the words.

“You kicked me out? Yes I knew that, she was angrier at times than I was at you…”, Sarah interjected. Joan just nodded, and wiped away the fresh tears on her cheeks.

“She had tried to talk to us about you… So many times… I can’t apologize enough…” Joan sobbed. “When she got sick… She started to talk to us again… We think she knew what was going to happen… After she died… Her nurse gave us this letter that April had written… She wrote it the evening before she passed away…” She pulled a well worn folded piece of paper out of her purse and handed it to Sarah. “I think it would be best if you read it, please…” Joan begged.

Sarah gently took the letter, and as she unfolded it she grimaced as she noticed it appeared to have been wadded up. Seeing her sisters handwriting made her smile, even though it was written the night before she died, the little hearts and smiley faces dotting the I’s were obvious. Sarah then read…

Dear Mom and Dad,

Since you’re reading this, I want to say I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to not still be there with you. Please know that I’m at peace now, and the cancer can’t hurt me ever again. I do want you to know, that even though I’ve been sick for awhile now the last few months since we started talking again I will cherish forever. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, being bedridden will do that I promise you.

I hope that now that you’re reading this we can have a conversation that we’ve both refused to have. That conversation is about your other daughter, the one you won’t acknowledge. If you truly want to honor my memory, reach out to her, for not only my sake but yours and hers as well. If I’ve learned one thing lying in this depressing bed, is that anger and resentment isn’t worth holding on to. When you reach out to Sarah, that is HER name by the way, I will promise you several things. Mom, Dad… Sarah is amazing… She’s someone you’d both be extremely proud to call daughter, only because I know how proud I am of being her sister. I also know how hard it will be, she’s just as hurt and angry as I had been. Just promise to try… For me… Make it a dying girls last request, I don’t care. Just try… After you read this and promise the nurse that you WILL try, she will give you another letter. This one isn’t for you, well directly. It’s for you to give to Sarah. It’s my last gift I can give to you, all three of you. Do not read the letter, unless Sarah agrees you can ONCE she reads it first. Mom… Dad… I know my time is close, I will love and miss you...

April.

PS Oh… If you don’t try, I’ll know… You thought I was bitchy before, just imagine how bitchy I can be in the afterlife if you don’t at least try…

Sarah started to giggle even amongst her tears from reading the letter. She could hear Aprils voice as she made that last threat in her letter. That was just like her to do something like that, and if anyone could carry it out, it’d be April.

Softly Sarah spoke, “So that’s why you’re both here? To honor her last wishes? Or is it because of her threat?” She looked at her parents with a small smile this time.

Joan nodded, “We’re wanting to respect her last wishes… She was right though… This anger and hurt… We need to try to heal this… As much as we possibly can… For all our sakes.”

Bill added, “Plus if anyone could follow through with that threat, you know it would be your sister.” That caused everyone to softly chuckle, they each remembering just how feisty she had been.

“So do you have her letter for me?” Sarah asked, and noticed her mom was already handed her a sealed envelope.

“We didn’t read it, I promise”, Joan said.

Sara carefully opened the envelope and unfolded the letter. She couldn’t help but chuckle upon reading the first line, but the further she read the tears started to flow.

To the bestest, most pain in the ass little sister, a girl like me could ever hope to have,

Hey Sarah, hopefully since you’re reading this that Mom and Dad are there with you. I can’t tell you how much I wish I could be there with you all in person and not just this letter. I will promise you if there is a way I can be there when they give this to you I will be. I know how hard this will be for you, only because how hard it was for me to make my own peace with them. Promise me that you’ll try though, and you better promise, I’m dead serious. You all need each other, a lot more than any of you are willing to admit.

I want you to know holding on to that anger only hurts you, and I love you too much for you to keep hurting Sis. I’m not saying it was to blame, but that anger had slowly poisoned me for years, it easily could have helped the cancer spread through my body as fast as it did. You deserve so much to be free, and even with being sick, no matter what happens to me I am truly free now. Even with the pain, I am already at peace just knowing I did everything I could to help you while I was alive. I will hopefully continue even though now I’m gone.

I also cant tell you how much it has meant to me to watch you blossom from that scrawny young kid to the beautiful strong person I’ve watched you become. I have been truly blessed to be your sister. You had always told everyone how lucky you were having me as your sister… Sarah, this entire time, I’ve been the lucky one from the day you were born.

Sarah I know you’re scared right now, only because I do know you, but you are strong. You are the strongest person I have ever known. If anyone can move past this it’s you, I have faith in you squirt, I always have, and always will.

The pain meds are starting to kick in, so I need to let you go. Please give them a hug from me, since I cant be there to do it myself.

Love you forever and ever,
your sister,
April.

Sarah was sobbing uncontrollably at this point, as her mom gently took the letter out of her hand. Joan quickly read her daughters letter, and smiled through her own tears. Softly she said to Sarah, “You’re sister was something else wasn’t she?”

Nodding Sarah whimpered, “I miss her so damn much!!! It’s not fair!!!”

Joan hesitantly slid closer to her sobbing daughter and gently wrapped her arms around her, “Baby so do we, so do we.”

This time Sarah didn’t shrug off the hug, instead she turned and fully embraced her mother as they both wept.

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 3

---

---

Author's Note: First I would like to thank everyone that is reading this, and especially those that have commented. To those that have told me how it has move you, I cant thank you enough for those comments. All I hope for in sharing this story is to be able to make the reader ‘feel’ something, so thank you all so much. ~Rebecca

As Sarah started to regain her composure, she gently broke the hug this time, “Sorry about that…I didn’t mean for that to happen…” She softly told her mom.

Joan smiled, “It’s okay… I didn’t mind.”

Sarah nodded, “You know that if you both are serious about this, that we still have a lot more work to do… This doesn’t just wipe everything away.”

Both of her parents just nodded, her dad spoke, “I know it doesn’t Sarah. We are serious about this… Even before April passed away, we had started to realize… We had started to realize how badly we failed you… both of you…”

There was a moment of heavy silence as Bill’s words sunk in to everyone, Sarah eventually, “You said before she... umm… So what was it that made you realize that?”

Sighing, Bill said, “Ultimately it was the way Reverend… I mean… It was the way Tom blamed you for her being sick… All because she had stayed in contact with you… He had said it was God’s vengeance… ”

Sarah wasn’t surprised at hearing the accusations that self righteous asshole had made. It was the same ‘reverend’ that her parents had talked to right before they had kicked her out of the house. Her parents had always been deeply religious and had raised both her and April the same way. By the time they were both teenagers though, his sermons had changed from talking about ‘Love one another’ to something that always resulted in ‘repent or burn in Hell’. Maybe it had been gradual enough of a shift that the adults didn’t realize it was happening, or they weren’t paying attention to what they shouted “Amen” to. Sarah and April had noticed it though.

Sarah just scoffed, “That asshole is still running the church? I imagine April didn’t take to well to that…”

Joan took over, “Yeah he is… Hopefully not for much longer though. And no she didn’t take very kindly to that… You would have been proud of her though… She went off on him in the hospital room. The entire floor heard her defending her sister.”

Picturing her five foot nothing ‘big’ sister going off at that zealot made Sarah smile, chuckling she said, “I can see that happening… I’ve dealt with the brunt of her anger a few times… It was amazing how loud that tiny of a person could get.” Everyone laughed softly at the memory of how feisty April could get.

Everyone was quiet for a minute in their own reflection, when Sarah spoke up, “I wish she could be here to see this… You know, all of us just being able to talk finally.”

Her parents smiled sadly, before Joan stated, “You know, I think she just might be.” Sarah smiled at her mom hoping that she was right. Joan just reached over and gave Sarah’s hand a small squeeze returning her smile.

Never one to miss a chance to ruin a perfectly good moment, Bill stated, “I hate to bring this up, but its almost noon… Where would you two like to eat? My treat.”

Suddenly Sarah realized how much time had gotten away from her, “Shit, shit, SHIT!!! I’m late!” She exclaimed, jumping up from the kitchen table, glancing at her microwave she saw it was ten minutes until noon.

Startled at her outburst, Joan asked, “Wait, you really did have someplace to go?”

Sarah nodded quickly in a slight panic, “Did you think I was making it up to get rid of you?” Glancing at her reflection she saw what all the crying had done to her mascara, “Crap I need to fix this!”

Joan got up and saw she needed repairs on hers as well, “I honestly did… I’m sorry, but I also wouldn’t have blamed you… Sarah just calm down okay? How important is it?” She asked, wondering what had gotten her daughter so stressed so quickly.

Sarah paused for a second, not wanting to take the time to get too detailed in her explanation she said, “It’s a work thing. I know he said it wouldn’t be ready for a few more hours, but I know Ben… I’ve got to go, like now. Too many people are counting on me.”

Sighing Joan said, “Okay go clean your face up real quick, and is there a place I can do mine?”

Bill not wanting to get in the way of the ladies and their makeup just said, “I’ll just go wait outside while you two are preening.”

Sarah just gave him an odd look, but then smiled thinking what her Dad had just said about her like it was nothing out of the ordinary. She quickly directed her mom to the downstairs guest bathroom and then went straight upstairs to hers so she could repair the damage. A few minutes later they were locking the front door when she saw her dad admiring her Cobra replica in the drive way.

“This yours?” He asked with just a bit of awe in his voice. She nodded yes and he gave a low whistle. “Where’d you get this thing, shes gorgeous. Had to be a lot of money…”

“Not really, It cost me a lot less than most brand new sports cars… It’s a replica car Dad.” She told him with a smirk. Thinking that he had assumed that it was a real 427 roadster amused her to no end. “I only ordered the chassis and body from them, the rest I either got locally or built with a friends help.”

“Wait, you built this?” He asked. “How? I thought… umm…” He paused trying to think of a way to say what he was thinking without possibly insulting her.

“Don’t you remember how often you dragged me in on the weekends to help you on all the projects that were behind in the auto and building trade shops? A lot of what I know about cars is what you taught me…” She told him as she was putting her bags in the passenger seat. She thought she had convinced herself a long time ago that she didn’t care what they thought. Standing beside the car that she built and having her dad admire her work, made her realize that had been a lie. She still wanted him to be proud of her, both of them actually. Then she had an idea.

You guys want to keep talking?” She asked.

Of course we do… I thought that you said you had to go.” Joan said.

“I was going to ask if you two wanted to go with me… You can see what I do for a living, and meet some of my friends… Dad you’ll really like our first stop.” She told her parents.

Bill and Joan looked at each other expectantly, then Bill asked, “So do we follow you? Cause we aren’t all fitting in that car.”

Laughing with the visual of them trying to fit in the Cobra, Sarah responded, “No! No. We’ll take my truck, that way we can talk on the way… It’s an almost 45 minute drive there.”

Joan beat Bill to the punch and just blurted out, “Yes I’d love to see where you work.”

Smiling, Sarah pulled the Cobra keys off her key ring and sidearmed them to her Dad, which he caught excitedly.. “ You get to put her in the garage and I’ll get the truck out, Mom can you put your car where the Cobra sits? We need to hurry.” Sarah ordered.

Hitting the FOB on her keychain, the garage door started to open, and as she saw her mom headed to their Prius she heard the Cobra fire up. Looking at her Dad she couldn’t help but grin, he looked as excited as a 5 year old with a new toy. Once the garage door opened up they swapped all the cars around and for a second she thought she was going to have to pull her dad out of the Cobra. A few minutes later they were driving away from the house, with her dad in the seat beside her still grinning like a giddy school boy, and her mom in the back seat admiring Sarah’s vehicle.

Once she had gotten out of her neighborhood and onto the open streets, one thing had bothered her. Her parents had been die hard Ford fanatics, her dad always had an F150 and her mom always had a town car, and now they were driving a Prius. She would have thought it was a rental, but she had noticed the Florida plates on it. She had to ask, “So what’s up with the Prius? I thought both of you would die before not driving a Ford.”

Bill looked back at his wife and said, “It’s been hard to adjust to I’ll give you that… It’s a lot better to tow behind the RV than anything else we’ve ever driven.”

Surprised, Sarah asked, “An RV? When did you get an RV?”

Bill responded, “We bought it about 3 weeks ago… Right after we closed on the house.”

“Closed on the house?” Was the only thing she could think to say. Giving her parents a side glance she kept wondering what had happened. Other than a few small things, like her dad getting so excited about a cool car, they were nothing like the people she remembered growing up with. “What did you guys do?”, she asked.

Looking down at his hands, her Dad softly said, “We sold the house… Almost everything in it, along with all the cars and toys… Other than a storage building back in Ocala, everything we own is either in the RV or the Yota.”

“Why?”, was all she uttered.

Taking a deep breath he answered, “After April died… Then the fallout at the church… There wasn’t anything holding us in Ocala anymore other than our jobs…”

Joan interrupted him saying, “We’re both old enough and put enough time in at that school, so we turned in our retirement paperwork at the end of the school year.”

Bill resumed, “Then we started selling everything off. The RV and Prius are paid off, we have a nice nest egg from the house selling, and we both have decent retirement packages so… That’s why we took so long to get here after the funeral.”

Almost overwhelmed with everything she was hearing, “So… How long are you planning on staying here?”

Her dad looked over at her, and she though she saw his eyes glistening with the possibility of tears. Before he spoke, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, “Sarah… I’m not sure the right way to say this… With April’s death, her letters, and her final wish made me realize something… We lost one daughter… We can’t change that, no matter how much we wish we could… I’ll be damned if we don’t try to get to know our other daughter…”

Seeing the emotion on his face shocked her. Here was a man who had always been a solid rock, like nothing ever phased him, almost in tears. She repeated, “So how long?”

Bill smiled at her, “We’re planning on staying as long as you want us to…”

Looking directly ahead, afraid of seeing her father on the verge of crying, she softly just said, “Oh…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 4

---

---

Author's Note: I’m so glad so many are enjoying this story and can stomach my writings lol. Now that I’ve gotten the foundation set, I’m going to get to the purpose of the title… I’m hoping it works like I have it pictured in my head. Hope you enjoy, oh this is the last chapter I’ve finished so next ones will start being a few days apart.~Rebecca

Sarah drove on in silence for several minutes, while she was digesting the news she had just heard. Her parents had sold off everything so they could come here and try to make amends, seemingly for however long that would take. She thought that maybe they had gotten the RV to travel in their retirement, but growing up her parents hated traveling to even Disney World when it was only an hour and a half away. Could they really be the same people who had discarded her so easily all those years ago? Suddenly the memory of that night flooded her thoughts.

“Why did you do it?”, she asked, breaking the silence. “Why did you hate me so much?” Seeing her mother in the rear view mirror wince at those words caused Sarah to tense up. She didn’t mean for it to come out the way she had said it, after all they were obviously trying to make up for it. The hurt and anger from that night apparently was still there even after all those years.

Her father looked down and after a moment of thought, “Sarah… I swear we never hated you… When you told us… We were scared and confused. We didn’t know what to think or do… So we turned to someone we thought we could trust…”

“You mean HIM.” Sarah grimaced. She knew her parents would know who she meant.

From behind her she heard her mom softly say, “We thought we could trust him… We knew so little about… this kind of thing… What he advised made sense at the time… Or so we thought…”

“So HE told you to throw me out and that made sense to you enough to actually do it?” She exclaimed. She felt her eyes starting to tear up so she blinked and did her best to get her emotions in check. The last thing she wanted to do was break down again, especially since she was driving.

“I swear that’s not what we wanted. We thought you were just confused… When we told him what you had said… He agreed that you were confused and being influenced by something… He had said that if we cut you off, it would force you to start thinking straight… We really believed he was trying to help us…” Bill stated staring straight ahead, unable to meet her her eyes.

Sara just nodded slowly, “So that’s why you said I couldn’t come home till I came to my senses…”

Joan said softly in realization, “That’s why you never came home was it? You were never ‘out of your senses’ to begin with…”

Sarah responded, “I had been confused for a long time, but I wasn’t confused anymore when I told you…”

Her dad looked at her pleadingly, “We know that now…”

Sara just said, “Really? How?”

Joan reached her hand up and put it on Sarahs shoulder and said softly, “We finally read up about it, and we learned… I’m sorry it took us 20 years for us to finally come to our senses.”

Sarah wanted to tell her it was okay, but she knew that she wasn’t ready for everything to be okay just yet. She didn’t know if it would ever be totally okay. Knowing that they didn’t seem to act out of anger helped… Some… She just smiled at her mom and patted her hand. It was probably safer than saying anything at the moment.

They rode on in an awkward silence for a few minutes, until Joan asked her daughter, “What happened to you after that night?”

Thinking of it caused Sarah to frown, “Mom you really don’t want to know…”

Her dad reached over to clasp her hand gently, “You’re probably right we don’t want to know… We need to know… We need to know what we caused to happen to our son… err, daughter… I’m sorry…”

She saw it was an unintentional slip, but it had been so long since she had considered herself a son it still caused a slight shudder through her. She tried to smile at him to let him know it was okay, and hoped it wasn’t too obvious that it was forced. She said, “Okay, if you need to know…”

She thought for a minute to try to get the memories clear before she started, “ After you… well you know… I ended up walking a lot trying to decide what I was going to do… I had thought about trying to go back and tell you I was joking or I was mistaken… I couldn’t though… Everything was out in the open, and I couldn’t say I was mistaken anymore… So I just walked trying to think of where I could go. I ended up at McDonalds since I was starving… I hadn’t been able to eat all day from being so scared to tell you…I didn’t have any friends to turn to, everyone at school just thought I was gay and I got ridiculed… I couldn’t even go to the church for help after that… The only person I could think of was April. It wasn’t a weekend so I prayed she wasn’t on a date or anything, so I called her to ask her what I should do…

---

---

“Hey Brian, what’s up?” Brian heard his sister’s voice say through his phone.

“April I need help… I don’t know what to do…” He told her.

She heard his voice breaking and immediately was worried about him, she had actually worried about him for the last several years. He hadn’t been like any of the boys she had known, he had always seemed fragile to her in a way. “Brian what’s wrong? You can talk to me okay?”

“Sis, I don’t know where to start, everything’s so fucked up…”, he sobbed.

Hearing him like this broke April’s heart, she had been looking after him for so long. She hadn’t even finished her first year in college and she couldn’t help but feel somehow responsible that she hadn’t been there to protect him, from whatever this was. “Brian, calm down its okay. I’m here talk me.”

“April… Mom and Dad kicked me out of the house… I don’t have any friends, I don’t have anywhere to go… I don’t know what to do?” He said, his voice still breaking up but he wasn’t sobbing anymore.

“What? Why would they kick you out? You’ve been like the perfect son, always making straight A’s, always doing what they asked… What happened?” She blurted out. Whatever this was had to be bad, their parents loved Brian, sometimes she felt like they loved him more than her.

“I didn’t do anything bad I promise… I tried to tell them something…” Brian started to say, but the thought that April might turn on him as well, scared him into silence…”

“What could you have told them?” She asked, then it dawned on her… The way Brian had always been, she had questioned his sexuality more than once… No matter what, he was still her little brother, so she said, “You know what it doesn’t matter what you said. Look I’m going to hang up and call them and find out what’s going on. I promise I’ll call you right back okay?”

Afraid of what their parents might tell her, and how she might start ignoring him as well, he begged, “Promise you’ll call me back? Promise me April, please!!!”

As soon as he had hung up the phone he started praying, for her not to hate him if they told her what he had said, for her to be able to convince her parents he wasn’t confused. He continued praying until his phone rang again. Seeing it was April’s phone number he hesitantly answered, “So how bad is it?”

“Brian I don’t know what’s going on… They would only tell me that you had told them some foolishness and until you got your head straight they wouldn’t let you come back… They also told me to not help you, because you needed to learn a lesson…” She told him, still can’t believing they had told her all of that. She was more than convinced now that Brian had come out to them as gay… That was the only thing she could think of.

Brian paused for a moment, scared of what her answer was going to be. Finally he asked, “So what did you tell them?”

April heard the fear in his voice, and she was so angry at her parents for hurting him like this. It shouldn’t matter if he was gay or not, he was such a sweet and kind kid. “I told them, until they remembered that you were their son and started to act like parents again they can forget about their daughter too.”

“Holy Shit!!!” Was all he could think to say. He couldn’t ever imagine saying those things to his parents… Then he quickly realized he would if the roles had been reversed.

“Yeah Holy shit is right… What the hell are they thinking… Brian, I can’t come and get you, my car isn’t running. Dad was going to come up this weekend or next to fix it, but I guess I’m going to have to figure something else out… Is there anyway you can get here?” She asked.

“To Tallahassee? I don’t know… I guess I can get a bus ticket in the morning, I at least grabbed my savings.” He thought aloud.

“Okay, do you have anywhere you can stay overnight?” April asked him, she was very worried about him. She was thankful though he was sounding a bit better on the phone.

“It’ll take me a bit to get to the bus station, I can just camp out there till they open… April… I don’t know what to say…” He started to choke up again, but this time it wasn’t from fear. His sister was still looking out for him.

“Brian are you going to be okay?” She asked worriedly, after all she heard his voice starting to break again.

“I will be now… I love you April… Thank you…” He said softly.

“I love you too squirt, always will. I’m your big sister so it sorta comes with the job you know.” She joked. “Look, just call me when you get on the bus okay, so you can let me know when you are going to get here. I’ll make sure you have a ride to the house okay.”

“I promise, I’ll see you soon okay.” He told her with so much more relief in his voice.

“Alright talk to you in the morning. Brian its all going to be okay, I promise.” She told him.

It took Brian almost two hours to walk to the bus stop, and found a bench where he could curl up and nap some. Talking with April had alleviated so many fears, but he still rested fitfully.

Brian gave up trying to sleep about 5AM, at least he guess it was about that time. During the night his phone battery had died and he didn’t have a watch. Even though it was the middle of March, the night chill had been a bit too much without any way to cover up, and he had gotten too cold to sleep anymore. He had passed by a coffee shop the night before that was fairly close by so he went to buy a coffee and hopefully get his phone charged.

A little bit later he arrived at the coffee shop, walking in the door seeing the rainbow sticker stuck on the corner of the door made him feel a bit more relieved. Ever since he had told his parents, every time he caught a person looking at him he couldn’t help but feel like they could tell he was… well different.

Walking up to the counter a short haired lady behind the counter greeted him, and when she noticed his rumpled clothes and messed up hair, she asked, “Honey are you okay? Can I help you?”

Brian just smiled nervously, “I don’t know… Could I get a cup of really strong coffee, and make it strong? I didn’t sleep good last night… Oh and is there I place I could plug my phone in?”

Having seen young kids down on their luck, she figured the young man in front of her was not okay in the least. “I tell you what, the first cup of coffee is on the house since its just us in here. If you hand me your phone and charger I’ll plug it in behind the counter… Now why don’t you go to the bathroom and clean yourself up, I’ll have your cup ready for you when you get back.”

Brian couldn’t believe how nice she was being, but thanked her and went to do as she suggested. When he saw his reflection he was amazed she didn’t throw him out as soon as he walked in. He spent a few minutes washing his face and did his best to get his longish hair to lie down. Now that he didn’t have to worry about his parents noticing he had gotten his ears pierced he dug in his backpack that he had grabbed as he fled his house. After a brief search he pulled out the pair of gold studs he had hidden away and put them in. Still looking fairly rough, just seeing his earrings in made him feel a bit better.

The lady behind the counter greeted him with a smile when he came back out, “Oh by the way, my name is Bree.”

Her warm demeanor instantly made Brian feel more at ease. They talked for almost half an hour while his phone charged. She had finally gotten him to open up about being kicked out by his parents, but not about his gender identity. She was relieved when he had told her his sister was taking him in, and he was just waiting for the bus. When he left he felt human again, and was looking forward to the bus ride.

Several hours later all that hope he had had was almost completely gone, they wouldn’t sell him a ticket without a picture ID, and all he had was his SS card. His parents hadn’t taken him to get his driving permit yet. After a few minutes they had threatened to call the cops since they thought he was a runaway. After he had gotten far enough away he had then attempted to call his sister to let her know he couldn’t get on the bus. When he got the message “This number has been disconnected due to the customers request’ he threw his phone in rage.

He couldn’t go home, he didn’t know his sisters phone number since he had smashed his phone when he threw it, and he couldn’t even buy a bus ticket even though he had money. With no other options he had started walking, keeping as far from the interstate as possible. The last thing he wanted was to be picked up by a state trooper.

A day and a half later he had finally gotten on I10 and with a few rides from strangers that looked trustworthy he was now only about 75 miles from his sisters sorority, and hopefully April. Sitting at a truck stop eating some dried out chicken tenders and a Diet Coke he had been approached by two college girls.

“Honey are you okay? You look like you need help.” The tall brunette had asked him, accompanied by her shorter red headed friend.

Looking at them they looked sincere so Brian said, “I’m trying to get to my sister, she goes to school at FSU… The bus station wouldn’t sell me a ticket…”

The redhead asked, “Where are your parents Sweetie?”

A lump formed in his through as he tried to say, “They didn’t want me anymore… My sister April was going to take me in…” He felt tears starting to run down his dirty face, which the girls noticed.

The two girls gave a worried look to each other, the brunette sat down next to him and said softly, “My name is Audrey, and my girlfriend is named CeCe… Why don’t you think your parents don’t want you?”

Brian heard her say girlfriend and got his hopes up, thinking that maybe she might understand. “I had been struggling with… the way I felt about…” As much as he wanted to tell her, the fear wouldn’t let him actually say it.

A look of understanding came over the girls faces, CeCe asked, “You came out to them didn’t you?” Brian just nodded. Immediately both girls gave him a hug from both sides.

Audrey stood up and reached a hand down to help him up, “Looks like your guardian angels showed up sweetie. C’mon lets go.”

“You’re going to give me a ride? How far can you take me?” Brian said excitedly. The grungier he started to look the less ride offers he got.

They both grinned at him, CeCe said, “The rest of the way, we both go to FSU. You ready?”

For the next hour and a half CeCe drove and Audrey sat in the back with him, she had gotten some makeup wipes and had proceeded to give him a make do bath while they talked. They had finally gotten him to open up what he came out about. Both girls showed extreme sympathy to him, although they were quite surprised he hadn’t picked out a girls name yet. Saying he hadn’t had time to think about it wasn’t good enough for the girls. After a fifteen minute discussion they had decided that the name Sarah fit her. Brian, now Sarah, couldn’t help but smile at her new name.

Once they got into Tallahassee he realized that he didn’t know what sorority April belonged to, other than the Theta’s off campus… After a quick panic, the girls calmed him down saying they are pretty sure which house they are in. Since they had a few ‘friends’ that were in the Theta’s. According to the girls the Theta’s were off campus because they didn’t discriminate pledges based on orientation.

Sarah’s nerves were on high alert as she approached the front door, her new friends watching from their car to make sure everything was okay before they left. The wait for the door to be opened felt like an eternity.

Finally a really pretty brunette opened the door, she gave him a funny look when she asked, “Can I help you?”

Sarah smiled and nervously asked, “Is this the Theta house that April Richardson is in?”

The girl looked at him for a second before she blurted out, “Oh my god are you Brian?”

Wincing at hearing her old name, she nodded, “Yeah I got really delayed… They wouldn’t sell me a bus pass.

Still staring at her the girl excited yelled, “APRIL GET DOWN HERE NOW!!!”

Sarah looked behind her at her friends in the car and gave them two thumbs up, they waved and gave her huge smiles before they honked the horn and drove away. Then the girl at the door grabbed Sarah and forcibly yanked her inside the door.

Then she started babbling, “April has been so worried, she couldn’t get in touch with you… Why didn’t you call her? Are you okay?? APRIL!!! HE’S HERE!!! Come in and sit down… Holy crap you stink, don’t sit down…”

Suddenly Sarah heard her sisters voice shrilly yell, “Brian!!” Seconds before she was wrapped in a huge hug from her sister. “Oh my god I though something happened to you, why didn’t you call!” It took Sarah a few second to realize April was crying, which only set her off too.

“They wouldn’t sell me a pass without an ID, and my phone got turned off, then it got broken and I couldn’t remember your number…”

April pulled her into the common room and started introducing the girls to her ‘brother’ including the girl that had answered the door. Thankfully Dana had quit babbling nonstop once the commotion had died down. After about twenty minutes April had sent her ‘brother’ to get a shower and get cleaned up, when she said they only clothes she had were the ones that she was wearing. April said it wasn’t important and they would find something that she could wear.

It took Sarah a long time before she felt truly clean after her ordeal, thankfully at 15 she wasn’t hairy at all. Finding a razor she couldn’t help herself but to shave the peach fuzz off her face, legs and armpits. Once she got out of the shower she found what looked like sleepwear laid on the counter for her. Everything was either pink or lavender, she couldn’t help but wonder if the girls were trying to tease “Brian”, but she couldn’t help but smile with what she had.

A few minutes later she was sitting back down in the common room surrounded by a dozen girls, all pretty much in their sleepwear as well. Sarah thought she would feel self conscious wearing a tank top with yoga pants in their soft pastel colors, but she actually felt calm. Even though it was just sleepwear, it was only the second time she had ever had ‘girl’ clothes on and she felt strangely calm and confident as she sat down. The girls looked somewhat disappointed that she didn’t look embarrassed, but their looks changed to concern as April started her interrogation.

April said softly, as she was afraid to spook her brother, especially after everything she had just gone through over the last several days. “Brian I want you to know you’re safe here okay. Did you come out to mom and dad? Is that what this was all about?”

Surprised that April had figured it out, she just nodded her head, “Yeah… how did you know?”

April smiled, “You’d always been different I guess, you know softer than most guys. A bit more emotional… I had wondered a few times…”

Sarah looked at her sister and asked, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” A bit of fear had crept into her voice.

“Brian look its okay, I didn’t say anything because I wasn’t sure… Look I don’t care if you’re gay, you’ll always be my brother.” She said trying to reassure her.

“Huh?” Sara said, obviously confused. “I’m not gay…”

All the girls now looked questioningly at Sarah, April said, “But I thought… When I saw your earrings… What did you come out about?”

Seeing how April had said she didn’t care, and CeCe and Audrey said the Theta’s didn’t discriminate, Sarah decided to go for broke, “April I’m not gay, I’m trans…”

All the girls looked shocked at that revelation, most of all April. She tried to remember everything she had read about transgender issues, but in her surprise she could barely think. The only thing she knew, was that her brother needed support. “Oh wow… I didn’t see that coming… Uh… I guess I need to take back that bit about you will always be my brother…”

Shocked Sarah looked at her sister, “You’re not upset? Mom and dad were so angry…I…”

April blurted out, “To hell with them if they can’t accept you… Uhh… I don’t know how to ask this… If you’re trans then Brian doesn’t really fit does it?” Sarah just shook her head no in disbelief that her sister could be so nonchalant about this. April then asked, “So what do I call my baby sister?”

The tears started to run down her cheeks from the overwhelming acceptance April was giving her, she started to speak and just barely said her name that she was given a couple hours ago. “I’m Sarah.” Then she started to tremble as the emotions got too much for her and she started sobbing.

April moved closer to her and said softly, “Sarah I’m so glad to finally meet my little sister… We’re going to have a lot of fun.” April then wrapped Sarah in her arms as she started to cry as well.

One by one all the other sisters moved in to join in the hug to show their support for Sarah, many mixing their own tears in group hug.

---

---

Suddenly her phone ringing snapped her out of her story, looking at her phone in the cradle she saw it was Steve, her boss and one of her best friends. Clearing her throat since she had been a bit emotional telling her parents the story, she told them, “Hang on this is my boss.” Since her truck was equipped with hands free, she pressed a button on the steering wheel, then spoke, “Hey Steve what’s going on?’

“Hey Sarah, I had just gotten a call from Ben. He hadn’t seen you yet and was wondering if everything was okay.” Steves voice said over the radio speakers.

“Yeah everything’s okay here, its only 12:40… He said it wouldn’t be ready till 3PM, I’m only about 10 more minutes away from the shop.” Sarah told him.

“That’s why he’s worried, its unlike you not to be there at least 3 hours before his estimates. Again is everything okay? You know you can talk to me.”

“Steve, yeah I’m fine… I just got some surprise visitors this morning, it threw me behind schedule a bit.” She answered. “Speaking of which… Could you call Ben back and see if its okay with him if I bring two guests?”

“Yeah I don’t mind, I just need their names to give him.”

“Uhh It’s Bill and Joan Richardson.” She spoke as clearly as possible.

There was a long pause before Steve responded, “Sarah, isn’t that the name of your parents?”

“Yeah that would be them.”

“Holy shit Sarah! What do they want? Are you okay? What the hell are they doing just showing up?”, he demanded, which made Sarah wince.

“Hey jackass, they are in the truck with me!” She exclaimed, which the way she just spoke to her boss made both of her parents give her a shocked disapproving look.

Another pause before he continued, “And since you’re driving, its on handsfree too isn’t it?”

Sarah just smirked and said, “What do you think?”

Yet after another long pause he answered, “Well I can check off my daily awkward moment… So… Hi Sarah’s Mom and Dad… Sarah seriously though, and I don’t care if they can hear me… Are you okay? Do I need to meet you at the shop?”

“I’m okay, or at least we’re getting there… After April… We’re talking things out… So stay at home and keep an eye on my girls okay? Or maybe you should let me talk to them so they can keep an eye on you, you big goof…” She told him, but smiling this time.

“You do know the girls are only 6 and 4 right?” He said, but you could hear the humor in his voice.

“Exactly, you need someone mature to keep you out of trouble…” She laughed.

More seriously he responded, “Hey joking aside, if you need me or Dana just give us a call okay. You know we’re here for you, anytime. Speaking about the girls though, you still coming over tonight, they are about to die to see you?”

“I know… I think I’m really not going to be able to make it, you do remember my parents are here now.” She said with a small frown. She hated to miss seeing the girls.

“No, you are not allowed to bypass tonight… There is no way the birthday girl can skip out on her pre-birthday party…uh… party… Look if things are going good, bring them along… I’m serious…” Steve told her, this time there was no jokes told.

“Steve… I don’t know…” Sara started to say then Joan spoke up.

“Steve is it? We just got in town yesterday evening. We can just go back to the campground, we aren’t trying to interrupt her life… We’ll make sure she goes okay?”

Shocked he replied, “No Mrs Sara’s Mom, I’m serious. I want to invite you both here, to my house, for her pre-birthday cookout… We have plenty of food, and honestly if you are making an honest attempt to reconcile with her… I want to meet you… Besides, are you going to skip out on your daughters birthday?” He couldn’t help but chuckle at that last comment.

Joan a bit surprised told him, “We’d love to meet her boss, and her friends… If its okay with Sarah we’ll be there.”

Sarah blurted out, “Wait don’t put this on me!”

Steve returned to his joking self, “Nope you’ve been overruled, you bring your ass here for your party or I’ll send Dana after you… Would you really want that? See you at 6 everyone, and bring your appetite. That’s an order Sarah.”

She just responded, “Bite me!”

Laughing, Steve said, “That’s a yes then, see ya tonight.” Then the call was disconnected.

Joan had a smirk listening to their banter, and she knew that their relationship wasn’t just as boss and employee. She looked at Sarah and stated, “Well he seems interesting.”

Sarah groaned, “You don’t know the half of it…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 5

---

---

Author's Note: My apologies for this one taking a few days, my daughters have been interrupting the heck out of me and my Bluetooth keyboard for my iPad died half way through this chapter, so typed the last bit with the on screen keyboard. It might explain why I stopped the chapter as soon as I did, hopefully this weekend I’ll have a new keyboard. Hope you all are continuing to enjoy. ~Rebecca

After the phone call had ended, all three of them in the truck were contemplating, not only the prior conversation, but also the plans for the evening. Both of her parents had no idea what had transpired to their child between that fateful night and till now. Just the hardships that she had faced those few days on her trip to Tallahassee felt like a knife in their heart, but knowing that April had been there for her gave them some relief. Until now they had imagined almost every possible horror that could have befallen her.

Joan tried to apologize again, “Sarah we are so sorry for what we did… I promise that we didn’t mean for it to happen that way…”

Recounting those few days and then being interrupted by Steve, and then his insistence they she bring them to his house tonight had really caused her to tense up and she snapped, “Not now okay! We’re done talking about this for the moment!” She immediately regretted her words and the sting they carried. More calmly she said, “I’m sorry… Look were almost there, and I can’t be all emotional when we get there… I have a job to do…”

Bill nodded and said, “It’s okay… We understand, we’ve thrown your whole day off. Right Joan?” Joan just nodded in acknowledgment then he continued, “By the way… You haven’t exactly told us what you do…

A bit shocked that they weren’t aware of what she did for a living, she asked, “April never told you towards the end?” When they both shook their head no, she was surprised. Then again, April had told her over the years that her parents had never once asked about her, so she could see where April wouldn’t have brought it up before she wrote her letters. With that thought, and her parents seemingly interested, she spent the last few minutes of the drive filling them in on what she did, the role she now played, and what they were doing here today.

Her dad looked at her in awe, “Sarah, that is remarkable.”

Joan followed up with, “I’m so happy that you’ve done so well for yourself.”

She had to smile when she saw her dad’s head suddenly whip around as she pulled into a parking spot.

“That car looks just like yours other than the color!”, Bill exclaimed.

Sarah couldn’t help but laugh, “That’s Ben’s, that one is pretty much the reason I have mine. When I first started coming here to inspect the outsourced items we had them build, him and I started talking about it. Thanks to you always having me help you in the auto shop, I still have an interest in cars… Especially when they are as beautiful as that one.”

Her dad still eyeing the bright red 427 Cobra roadster as they walked towards the building, he noticed and said, “I see he has all the chrome badging on the car, I don’t remember yours having anything on it.”

Sarah smiled thinking at least they still had this in common, and told him, “Well for one thing Ben likes the old school muscle car and tried to keep it as authentic as possible. I don’t have the 427 badge on mine because it’s not a 427… I wanted a car I could afford to put gas in, so mine has a newer Boss 302. That and I’m not a flashy kind of person anyway. While its not that authentic, I just loved the sleek look of the plain midnight blue…”

As the reached the door she saw her dad give her a look of admiration as he stated, “Well they are both beautiful cars.” Sarah just smiled as she nodded, while she swiped her access badge.

They hadn’t made it but a few steps into the building, before this big bear of a man stepped around the corner and bellowed out a frustrated, “It’s about time young lady!” Then a smile creeped across his bearded face as he reached out his arms to give Sarah a hug, one which she readily returned.

“Hey big guy, sorry I was running late.”, Sarah said as she let go of him.

He just smiled and said, “Yeah Steve called and told me, you okay?”

She smiled and told him, “Yeah, at least we’re getting there. Oh Ben, this is Joan and Bill Richardson, my parents. This is Ben Duncan, master machinist and production manager here.”

Ben smiled and shook their hands, “It’s a pleasure to meet you both, welcome to the Toy Box.”

Bill looked confused and asked, “The toy box?”

Sarah gently laughed at her dad, “He’ll show you what he means by that, I’m sure. I just have to get started doing what I came here for.”

Ben then led them down a hallway and a few doors until they came into a room set up for her to do her inspection on the new part. Once making sure that Sarah had everything she needed, Ben directed her parents to follow him while she got to work. He led them to the large open area that was the main section of the shop, as soon as they walked in and Bill saw all the equipment, he started getting excited.

“Okay now I see what you meant by toy box, this place is incredible!” Bill exclaimed. Joan just rolled her eyes at her husband but she was obviously amused by his reaction.

Ben just laughed, “Sara had told me that you were a shop teacher, so I thought you’d appreciate this.”

Bill nodded, “Yeah I taught shop at the high school for almost forty years and also taught the auto shop class for twenty until they phased it out. Less and less kids wanted to take auto shop so they eventually did away with it.”

Ben replied, “Yeah we’re seeing less and less younger people showing interest in this kind of thing these days… I can see where Sarah took after you.”

Bill looked surprised, the big man obviously was friends with Sarah and both him and Joan had been surprised at how nice Ben was being to them. The compliment caught him off guard though, he softly muttered, “Well she probably wouldn’t like to hear that…”

Ben looked at him sadly and gently told him, “You’d be surprised about that… Since I’ve known her, she’s actually talked a good bit about you both.”

Joan spoke up, “She has? So she told you that we…”

“Kicked her out? Yeah she told me everything.”, Ben said.

They both look at each other for a moment before Bill asked, “Since you know and obviously care for her… Why are you being so… nice to us?”

Ben leaned back against the wall and with one hand rubbed his beard in thought, finally he said, “Look, I know what you two are trying to do… I commend you for trying to make amends with her. I’m actually rooting for you in this…”

Joan questioned, “Really? Why?”

Ben just smiled at her before saying, “Look, I’m a parent too. I’ve made mistakes, quite a few of them… Probably not quite as epic as you two, but still… I have two daughters, Carly is 17 and Bree is 15. A few years ago, Carly was in a really bad place. I wasn’t listening to her, and kept telling her to toughen up, and quit letting things bother her so much… Then about 3 years ago we had found out she had started hurting herself, and was spiraling down pretty fast…” Ben paused to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand before continuing, “I was helping Sarah put the engine in her car, you know doing the heavy lifting and such. She noticed that something was bothering me, and it took her almost half an hour to pry it out. When I told her about Carly and what was going on, Sarah immediately wanted to talk to her… At first I refused and told Sarah she couldn’t help, we didn’t think anyone could…”

Joan noticed the mans eyes misting up, she gently squeezed his hand,“Was she able to help?”

Ben nodded, “And then some… I kept telling her no, until Sarah told me what she had gone through… and why… I’ll admit I never saw that coming… I had never once thought she had ever been anything but Sarah… That kind of threw me for a loop, but knowing what she had been through… Maybe with her experiences with overcoming her depression I thought she possibly could help. It was just a risk I was willing to take… So we drove back to my house and Sarah marched herself up to Carly’s room and she stayed up there for almost 3 hours talking… Since then both of my girls look up to her sort of like a big sister, and Dawn and I consider her our third daughter pretty much now.” He paused to clear his throat and resumed, “Sarah has a huge heart, with a capacity to care about people that you rarely see… She truly is a special lady, doesn’t matter even if she wasn’t born a girl…”

Bill and Joan both smiled, then Joan asked, “So how is Carly doing now?”

Ben smiled and said, “She still has her good days and bad days but her most recent cutting scar is now over two years old… Most importantly though she’s still here, that’s directly due to Sarah…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 6

---

---

Author's Note: Well my muse was desperate to write last night so I tore apart my Bluetooth keyboard (even though it wasn’t supposed to come apart) and now ‘most’ of the keys work... One more short chapter leading up to Sarah’s preparty, hopefully I caught all the keyboard issue gaffs. ~Rebecca

Once the small group had composed themselves, Ben continued on the rest of the tour. Sarah was just finishing up when they all came back into the room with her.

Sarah smiled at Ben, “Everything looks great Ben, I can’t thank you… ooof.” Sarah grunted, as her mom enveloped her in a tight hug. “Mom what’s that for?”

Joan let her go and smiled, “Sorry, Ben was just telling us some things… I’m just really proud of who you’ve become… I just couldn’t help it…”

Confused, Sarah told her, “It’s okay, I didn’t mind… It just surprised me is all…” Sarah then looked at Ben and asked, “Just what the heck did you tell them?”

Ben replied, “I just told her how you helped Carly, and also helped us too.” He then went over and hugged her and whispered in her ear, “I didn’t tell them the detailed part, you told me to respect Carly’s privacy on that, okay.”

At the mention of Carly, that reminded her of something that she had completely forgotten about with the way the day had transpired. Reaching into her backpack she pulled out a thick envelope, and handed it to Ben.

“What’s this? You didn’t…”, He stated, then opened up the envelope to find 4 tickets to the upcoming Taylor Swift concert. “Sarah… You didn’t have to do this.”, he started to complain.

“Ben, just hush okay… I appreciate that you took care of this yourself, and made sure everything was done as perfectly as possible. You could have easily waited till Monday but you didn’t. Just take them, I know the girls are wanting to go. Thank you for what you’ve done.”, she told him firmly.

“Look Sarah…”, he started to say before she scolded him.

“Say thank you Ben…”

Seeing the determination on her face, he just sighed, “Thank you.”

Grinning with the win, she teased, “See now that wasn’t that hard.” Then she reached up and hugged him one more time and said, “It will mean the world to the girls for you all to go, okay.”

Knowing that she was right, about how much the girls and the family would enjoy the concert, he gently shook his head and told her, “Girl you are something else… “

Laughing, she said, “and you better not forget it. See you all tomorrow for my party right?”

Ben laughed heartily, “If we didn’t go the girls would hitchhike to be there.”

With the part in hand, she waved once more to Ben and then she and her parents left. With only a minute or two delay so her Dad could get a better look at Ben’s car, they were on their way.

Sarah made the last stop to deliver the part, and after half an hour insuring it was installed correctly they headed back to her house. Her parents had hoped to hear more of her life, but after the day she had already had, Sarah refused to talk anymore about it. Instead she focused on talking about pretty meaningless topics, she was just too emotionally drained for anymore right now.

When they arrived at Sarah’s, it was just past 4PM, which left them not quite two hours till they were due to arrive at Steve and Dana’s for Sarah’s pre-party. Sarah had claimed she needed to get cleaned up, but in reality she needed some alone time to try to process everything before whatever was going to happen tonight. Trying to be nice, she offered for them to meet back here and she could drive them over, but her parents unsure as well of what was going to happen tonight, told her they would just meet her there. That honestly suited her just fine, in actuality she wanted to get there early so she could give Steve the third degree to find out why he had invited them. So just a few minutes later Bill and Joan had gone back to their RV, while Sarah ran herself a quick bath.

Sarah rarely took a bath, due to her busy life she normally opted for the speed and efficiency of a shower. The ups and downs she had gone through today though, made her think a nice soak would relax her. Unfortunately instead of relaxing as she had hoped, she ended up thinking and overthinking what had transpired earlier. There had been moments during the day where she had felt like her parents did truly love her, but those thoughts were soon replaced by others. If her parents did love her, then why had they gone almost 20 years without attempting contact once? Nothing made sense, they seemed to accept her, but then remembered the last time she had talked to them they had kicked her out of the house for being ‘out of her mind’. An act that was suggest by an evil man masquerading as a minister, an evil man that they had trusted more than her. The only family member who had always been there for her, supported, and protected her, was now gone and just relegated to a memory. After half an hour of the mental gymnastics she gave up and climbed out of the tub feeling no better off than when she started.

As she was getting ready, she almost slipped back into her comfort clothes, jeans and a tee shirt, when something made her pause. Even though her parents had seen her most of the day and treated her as a daughter, they had only seen ‘practical’ Sarah, and not ‘girly’ Sarah… She started questioning since she was in her comfort clothes that they might not have fully rationalized that she was all girl now… Thinking that maybe if they saw her completely dressed up and in her feminine best, it might shock them into being the parents she remembered… That thought was easier for her to accept then that they had really changed. Besides, even if tonight was a pre-party, it was a party nonetheless, which would be okay to get dressed up for. If Bill and Joan reverted back into the parents of old, she could then kick them out of her life forever. That was what she wanted, wasn’t it?

With more questions forming in her mind than answers, she diverted her attention to her appearance. She opted for her LBD, one that was sexy, but not too sexy. She considered it her flirty dress, not that she ever really got a chance to wear it anymore. After doing her makeup, in a slightly muted nighttime look that complimented her blue eyes, and then donning her 3 inch black heels she took stock of her appearance once again in the full length mirror.

She gasped as she saw herself, she didn’t remember the last time she had worn something like this and had forgotten just how good she could look when she tried. She hadn’t really been out on a night on the town since Dana had married Steve. Once her best friend had gotten married, the girls night out slowed down, and once she got pregnant those nights had stopped completely. Girl’s night now for her and Dana usually consisted of a trip to Toys-R-Us for the girls. She admired herself for a few more minutes, just to make sure everything was as perfect as possible before she finally walked out the door.

Arriving at Steve and Dana’s about half an hour early, she found her parents Prius already parked on the side of the road. She had completely forgotten Bill’s hyper-punctuality, he had always said that if he wasn’t half an hour early to an appointment he was running late. Silently cursing herself, she quickly tried to prepare herself for her parents, and how she expected them to act.

She noticed her parents had recognized her truck so had gotten out of the car and was walking up the driveway towards her. Taking a deep breath she grabbed her bag and opened the door to step out.

Bill said, “I see you still like to be early too…” His mouth dropped open ever so slightly when he saw Sarah step out of the Tundra. “Oh my god!”

Both relieved and a bit upset at his exclamation she grimaced, and asked, “What?” She was expecting Bill and Joan of old to suddenly show up, but was completely unprepared for what she head next.

Bill saw she was upset, unsure of what he had done to cause it. Bill had been married long enough though to know, if a woman is mad at you and you don’t know why, start apologizing anyway. “I’m sorry Sarah, I was just shocked… You look so much like your Mother did when she was younger… You’re so beautiful.” Bill had to admit he was pretty good, an apology followed up immediately with a compliment. He hoped that would be enough to calm his daughter down, he was worried enough about meeting her friends without her starting the night with her already mad at them.

Completely caught off guard by his response, she just looked blankly at them both for a moment, before she came to her sense and said, “Thanks… I just though since it was a party, even a pre party, I might get dressed up… I don’t really do this often…”

Joan came up and with a huge smile and tried to reassure her, “Sweetie that’s a shame, because you do look absolutely radiant… Although I don’t think I ever looked quite as stunning… Or tall…”

That actually got Sarah laughing a little bit, after all Sarah had gotten her height from her Dad. While he wasn’t a big man, he was still 5’10 and only 2 inches taller than Sarah, while April had apparently taken after their mom on that aspect since they were both 5’3.

Both of her parents seemed at ease now that she had started to laugh, the mood had lightened considerably in just the last few seconds. Joan then said, “Shall we? I’d really like to meet these friends of yours.”

Nodding Sarah just said, “After you two…” As her parents walked in front of her Sarah looked skywards as she blew a stray lock of hair from her face and thought, April just what in the hell have you gotten me into now?

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 7

---

---

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay in this chapter, work and daughters have kept me super busy. Hopefully this chapter was one that was worth waiting for. Thank you all so much for reading my story. ~Rebecca

Sarah’s parents got to the door first and were waiting for Sarah to knock, to their surprise she just opened the door and stepped in.

Grinning, she just said, “I’m family so I don’t have to knock.” As she sat her bag down and hung her keys up in the foyer, she yelled, “Steve! Dana! Girls! We’re early!”

From down the hallway they heard a male voice, “I’m in the kitchen!”

Sarah just said, “That’s Steve, this way.” Then she led her parents down the hallway into a large dining room, with a large open kitchen on the far side.

As they walked into the kitchen they found Steve squatting down digging in the bottom of the refrigerator. As he stood up and turned around, Joan immediately noticed how attractive he was. Other than the flecks of gray in his dark hair, Joan would have sworn he was only in his mid 20’s, tall and athletic, but his most striking feature was his devilishly charming smile. That was made apparent when he saw Sarah and how nice she looked.

“Well hey there you!” He said as he gave Sarah a hug. Her parents noticed that they both gave each other a kiss on the cheek.

As she hugged him, she asked, “So where are Dana and the girls?”

Letting her go, Steve stepped back and gave a low whistle and grinned, “Wow, you clean up good Sarah… So gorgeous, where have you been my whole life?”

Sarah shook her head in frustration, “You’re awful… By the way, the first 4 years of your life I wasn’t even born so there… Now where’s Dana and the girls?”

Steve just smirked devilishly at her, “So Ben called me… He said everything went well… What are you doing giving him and his family concert tickets? Are you trying to make me look like an asshole since I never did that when I had your job?”

Both Ben and Joan couldn’t help be amused, and started to chuckle. Sarah just glared at them, “Don’t you go encouraging him, he doesn’t need it.” Then turning back to Steve whose smirk was just taunting her, “No you look like you’re an asshole because you are one! I don’t need to help on that! Now where’s the girls?”

Turning to her parents Steve smiled and said, “Since she wont introduce you, let me guess… I’m really good at this, hang on just a second.” He paused and rubbed his chin in deep thought for a moment before blurting out, “I got it! You’re Sarah’s parents!”

Sarah was definitely showing her frustration, and her parents were trying really hard not to laugh, so they just nodded yes.

Steve stepped back with a look of amazement, “See I told you… I know most people don’t believe me, but its almost like I have ESPN or something!” That caused Ben and Joan to start laughing in earnest.

Sarah had enough of his clowning around and quickly grabbed his head and covering up his mouth, sternly she ordered, “Enough! Are Dana and the girls here? Nod or shake your head.” Looking like a 5 year old being scolded, he gently shook his head. Sarah continued, “Will they be back soon?” He then nodded his head. Triumphantly Sarah asked, “See that wasn’t so hard.”

Steve started to shake his head no, but then Joan caught the mischievous twinkle in his eye about the time Sarah jumped back in surprise. She had moved beyond frustration, and exclaimed, “You… You!!! You licked me!” Both Joan and Bill were surprised by her next action, as she punched Steve in the arm hard.

Steve jumped back rubbing his arm, but still laughing, “Owww!!! You know what nobody is ever going to complain that you hit like a girl!!!”

Sarah just groaned, “Ugh!!! I’ve got to go find some disinfectant for my hand!!!” She then stormed off towards the bathroom.

Steve then turned to her parents, much more seriously and stuck his hand out, “It’s Ben and Joan right? I’m Steve McMasters, I’m glad you two could come.”

They both shook his hand, surprised by the sudden change in character. Joan asked, “Was all…that… for our benefit or hers?”

Grinning, Steve told her, “I know she’s probably been stressed out today with… well her surprise visit and everything… She just needed to blow off some steam… She’ll be fine… You know, she actually hits me pretty often.” He laughed at his last comment.

Joan still surprised by their behavior couldn’t help but comment, “I have a feeling a lot of it is deserved.”

Smiling Steve answered, “You’re probably not wrong with that statement.”

Joan started to laugh but then a sad expression crossed her face, “You know that reminded me a lot of when Sarah… well when her and April were younger… They fought like cats and dogs, but…” She started to tear up, and just grabbed Bill’s hand and sniffed away the tears trying to force a smile.

Steve just nodded slowly, “I know its been hard for you, and her… I’m so sorry… I had met April several times… Her and Sarah together were something else…” Both of Sarah’s parents just nodded, afraid of saying anything. Trying to change the subject Steve asked, “Oh where’s my manners, would you two care for a drink? We have beer and wine, your choice.”

Bill opted for a beer and Joan for a glass of wine, they had just sat around the counter in the kitchen when Sarah came back in wiping her hands, they heard her mutter “asshole” when she walked by Steve. For a moment they thought she was still mad, but then noticed the grin on her face.

Sarah grabbed her a beer and using a towel twisted the top off, as she sat down she asked once again, “So are you going to tell me where Dana and my girls are?”

Laughing heartily Steve said, “Okay, Okay Xena… We ran out of cream for the casserole so Dana and the girls went to the store, we didn’t think you’d both be here this soon…”

Sarah looked surprised, “What are you doing letting her go with the girls?! You know this one has been really rough on her! She needs to take it easy, and not push herself so hard!”

Steve replied, “Look she has been having a really good past few days, she wanted to go and spend time out with Larissa and Ally… Would you be able to stop her once she sets her mind to something?”

Leaning back in her chair, Sarah said, “Okay… You have a point there… She just really needs to be careful is all…I’ll fuss at her later, its okay when shes mad at me, I don’t get all whiney or mopey unlike when shes mad at someone else…”

Steve grinned, “Thanks I appreciate that…”

While they were curious about why Sarah was worried about Steve’s wife, they were afraid of overstepping any bounds, so they didn’t ask. Ben and Joan had been enjoying watching the back and forth commentary from the two friends, and that’s what they both were she could tell. She had known that Steve was technically her boss, but it made her feel good that her and her boss had this kind of relationship. With her curiosity getting the best of her she had to ask, “So how long have you two known each other?”

Steve and Sarah glanced at each other, Sarah was the first to respond, “It was when I flew out here for my interview. He’s actually the person I interviewed with.”

Steve laughed, “Yeah that was an interesting interview…”

Sarah laughed in response, “Yeah bet you never knew what you were getting yourself into right?”

Steve smirked, “You could say that again… But please don’t…”

Curious, Joan asked Steve, “Had you ever met a transgender person before?”

Steve thought about her question for a moment before answering, “Well no, I hadn’t… Honestly wasn’t sure she was though… I mean I had my suspicions, but I thought she was going the other way…”

At her parents confused expressions Sarah giggled, “I hadn’t officially become Sarah at that point, so Steve interviewed Brian… Well sort of…”

Joan asked, “I thought you had started your transition not too long after…” She paused, not really wanted to say the words.

Sarah smiled sadly, understanding her mothers pause, “It’s okay mom, its in the past right?” Joan returned her smile and nodded. Sarah continued, “I started living as Sarah almost immediately once I got to the Theta house… I wasn’t able to do anything but get hormone blockers though until I turned 18, and that’s when I started hormone therapy…”

Steve again laughed, “Yeah that threw me for quite a loop. Here comes this young kid named Brian and I could swear that he was a girl trying to become a boy. I kept thinking, this poor kid will never look like a guy…”

Sarah fussed, “Dude, you make it sound like I was a child, you do remember you’re only four years older right?”

With mock indignation, Steve said, “Do you mind?!? This is my story!”

Smirking Sarah told him, “Oh sorry Grandpa, you may continue.”

Trying to hide his amusement he kept going, “So anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted… So this… Young adult… Is that better? Anyway… I had just gotten a promotion and was actually going to run my own team, so I was able to hire my own replacement… So I had received all these portfolios and resumes, but one distinctly stuck out. Here was a kid that had emancipated himself at fifteen, then homeschooled two and a half years of high school in sixteen months, and then completed his masters at twenty-two. Not only that, but he had graduated within the top five percent of his class. Brian Richardson was highly impressive on paper, so you can imagine my surprise when she walked in with a guys name.”

Both Ben and Joan looked at Sarah obviously impressed with their daughter. “So was that when you found out?”

Steve laughed and shook his head no, “I didn’t find out till almost two years later… Her records didn’t ever indicate there was a gender change, so I couldn’t ask…”

Bill finally spoke up, “Even if you had the direction she was headed wrong, you still hired her though? That says a lot about you Steve, I wish we had been… uh… better…”

Steve just nodded solemnly, “Well Sarah… err Brian… Dammit this is confusing even for me to try to tell this… Anyway, SHE was leaps and bounds ahead of any competition in the applicants… So I hired her… Besides it didn’t really matter if she was trans or not, this is Seattle.”

Joan was really enjoying hearing about how well Sarah had done, and asked, “So how did you two hit it off as friends?”

Sarah laughed, “It was awkward at first to say the least…”

Steve smiled, “Just a bit… Sarah had such a drive at work… She was making me look bad so it forced me to step up my game… When we started our first project she was logging way more hours that I was for the first week or two, then afraid that she was going to take my job I started to try to log in at least as much as she did… I thought it was the right thing to do seeing that I was supposed to be in charge…”

Sara teased, “You were just afraid of the newbie making you look bad.”

Grinning he replied, “Maybe… Anyway… We started working a lot of hours together… The other two senior members of the team… They just weren’t as dedicated… So we ended up finding we had a lot of different things in common, we had a similar sense of humor, and other than the gender issue, we had a lot of similar life experiences, and our friendship just took off… Before the end of the first project the two other members of the team had quit…”

Sarah uttered, “Because they were weirded out by me…”

Steve exclaimed, “Stop going there okay… That was their problem, besides I wouldn’t trade a hundred of them for one of you… You worked circles around both of them…”

About that time the garage door started to open, startling them from the conversation. Steve grinned and said, “That will mean Dana and the girls are back.” He stood up and went to the side door that was attached to the kitchen to surprise his daughters.

A few short moments later the door burst open and two small blonde bundles of energy burst in and ran completely around Steve, both of them yelling, “SARAH!!!”

By the time he spun around he saw both young girls already in Sarahs lap, doing his best to look hurt he uttered, “Hey!!!”

Sarah laughed as she was listening to the girls who hadn’t stopped trying to both tell her everything at once, she said, “I’ve got this, go tend to your wife.” Steve just shook his head as he turned to go to the garage.

Joan’s heart began to melt watching the two young girls chattering on Sarahs lap. Both her and Bill noticed that the stress that had been apparent within her quickly melting away as she paying attention to the girls.

The bigger of the two, Larissa, whined, “We missed you, we haven’t seen you in forever!!!”

Smiling at her Sarah responded, “Baby I was here just last Monday…”

Larissa just agreed with her, sort of, “I know!!! Forever!!!”

Ally started in next, and both young girls were so excited they were talking a million miles an hour. Joan was impressed how Sarah seemed to pay attention to both of them and continue in both conversations as well as she was. As the chattering was going on, both of Sarah’s parents noticed a very tired, and very pregnant brunette walking into the kitchen with Steve carrying some bags and simultaneously helping her to a chair. Before she sat down she leaned over and gave Sarah a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Dana asked her softly, “You doing okay?” Sarah just smiled and nodded.

With Sarah completely engaged with the girls conversation Steve took over introductions of Bill and Joan. Dana was polite, which actually surprised both Sarah and Steve. She had been every bit as angry as April had been, at least before she had gotten sick.

After several minutes of small talk, Dana looked at Larissa and asked, “Rissa have you told Sarah about your new comforter?” Little Larissa’s eyes lit up, as well as Ally’s.

Larissa stood up and grabbed Sarah’s hand and just said, “Cmon you have to see!!! It’s Ariel!!!”

Sarah tried to politely refuse but at this point both Larissa and Ally each had a hand and was tugging, both pleaded, “Please come and see, please!!!” Everyone else was trying to hide their amusement at Sarah’s feeble attempts to dissuade the girls.

She told the group “Okay guess I have to go, Ill be back in a few minutes… Play nice Dana okay…” Dana just smiled and nodded.

No sooner did Sarah get out of earshot did Dana look at Bill and Joan, “She’s gone for a minimum of fifteen minutes… First off I want to tell you how sorry I am about April… She was a very close friend.” She paused for a second to wipe her eyes. “I do want to say that I’m actually pleasantly surprised you are here… I honestly didn’t think you’d come…”

Bill looking confused, “Wait you knew we were supposed to come? How?”

Joan just uttered, “April… She told you… You were her friend that she told us about…”

Grimly Dana nodded, “I take it April told you about what had happened the night she was supposed to meet you.”

Both Bill and Joan nodded, Bill sadly said, “Yeah she did… It was only the second weekend since you all had rescued her…”

Dana nodded, “That sounds right… April was so angry at you two she was going to let you stew for awhile before letting you know what was going on… By the way, I haven’t told Sarah yet… I know I was supposed to, but I honestly didn’t expect you to show… Sorry… I will tell her before she goes home tonight though…

Joan and Bill both echoed, “Thank you…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 8

---

---

Author's Note: Well after a hellacious work week, I finally got time to write some more… This is a semi short chapter, but it has a few more hints, and probably another few questions, which will be resolved very soon… The next chapter will end up covering a lot, I promise. Thank you everyone for reading. ~Rebecca

Sarah was afraid of what she would find, as she finally made her way back downstairs after getting Larissa and Ally calmed down enough for her to rejoin the adults. Almost twenty five minutes had passed since she had been dragged away by the two small girls. Over the years Dana had shared the same anger as April towards her parents, so World War III was a possibility. Even though she hadn’t heard any commotion from downstairs, a part of her was hoping that Dana had exploded at them, then another part of her was hoping they were getting along. The mixed emotions had Sarah extremely confused, especially the latter of the two. These were the people that had discarded her and had spent the last twenty years seemingly not caring about her, so why was she still kind of hoping that they stuck around…

Walking into the kitchen she had prepared herself to find just Steve and Dana after they had upset her parents enough to leave. Finding her mother preparing the broccoli casserole with Dana sitting in one of the stools by the island was the last thing she had expected.

Glancing up at her, Dana smiled, “So I see that you finally escaped the girls?”

Sarah couldn’t help but giggle, “That’s probably an accurate way to put it, they had to show me all their new stuff as well as things they’ve shown me before. So where’s Steve and Dad?”

Joan started laughing, while Dana grinned and said, “Your Dad was going to go out and help Steve with the grill… When he found out that we were out of charcoal and that Steve was just going to use the gas grill it sparked a small argument… He complained that you couldn’t properly grill ribeyes with gas, or without a proper marinade, so he sort of took over. So he made up something the steaks are sitting in and him and Steve took off to the store for some charcoals…”

Worried that her dad had overstepped being a guest, Sarah asked, “So is Steve mad?”

Dana laughed, “Not at all, he’s getting out of grill duties and just lets him watch and drink more beer. Besides that marinade smells pretty good, I’m looking forward to seeing how they turn out.”

Sarah smiled, “Well Dad always made the best steaks…” Then she trailed off remembering how long it had been since she had eaten any of either of her parents cooking…”

Joan spoke up, “Sarah are you okay?”

Realizing she had gotten lost in her thoughts she looked up at Dana and Joan and tried to smile, “Yeah, I’m okay… I just remembered how I thought I’d never be able to have one of Dad’s steaks again… It just caught me off guard I guess.” Both Joan and Dana gave Sarah some sad smiles, Sarah instead tried to changed the subject, “So what can I do to help out?”

Dana told her that Joan was doing the broccoli casserole and directed Sarah to start on the scalloped potatoes, and shortly Sarah was side by side with her mother as they started preparing the two side dishes. Sarah had just finished slicing the potatoes when Bill and Steve walked in with a large bag of charcoal and were both in a good mood and appeared to be joking around with each other. The boys only stayed in the kitchen long enough for Steve to grab two fresh beers from the fridge and headed outside to ‘start’ the grill.

The preparation had only taken about fifteen minutes and then the girls soon found themselves sitting around the kitchen table, Sarah and her Mom each with a glass of wine with Dana and her green tea looking wistfully at the wine. They had spent that time with small talk, but maybe after her second glass Joan couldn’t help her curiosity.

“Sarah… I hope you don’t mind… Would you mind telling me what… I mean how you… I’m sorry I don’t know how to ask this…”, Joan stumbled.

“You mean how I transitioned?” Sarah asked slightly amused. The mix of emotions were still bothering her, she was both glad her mom was uncomfortable, but also felt some remorse for feeling that way.

Joan nodded, “Yes, I just didn’t want to broach the subject in case you were uncomfortable talking about it.”

The remorse Sarah was feeling intensified, here she was partially enjoying watching her mother squirm, while it appeared Joan was still worrying about upsetting her. She smiled slightly, “I’m okay talking about it… I mean I don’t yell it off the rooftops, but almost everyone in my life knows I used to be a… Well that I was Brian.”

Joan smiled and reached over the table to gently squeeze Sarah’s hand, “I’m just so amazed how well you’ve done… I don’t mean becoming a girl… Well that is amazing, but…” Joan stopped to take a few deep breaths to straighten out her thoughts and to try to keep from looking like a bumbling idiot. “Everything that you’ve done, your job, friends, and yes becoming a girl is amazing… You are a beautiful young lady…”

Slightly blushing from the compliment, Sarah responded, “Thank you… I don’t really know where to start… I mean I quit being Brian that night in the Sorority, legally I was still Brian, but there with the support of the girls I became Sarah pretty much full time. The first few weeks I felt like their grown up Barbie doll…” Sarah couldn’t help but laugh at that memory.

Dana joined in the laughter, “That’s a good way to put it, you were slender enough about half the house were giving you their old clothes that they had quit wearing. The girls who weren’t a close enough size to you even went out and started bringing you a bunch of stuff from their thrift store sprees.”

Giggling Sarah said, “I think by the second month we had to convince them to stop, I had more clothes than most of the other sisters.”

Surprised Sarah had stayed so long at the sorority, “Second month? How long did you stay there?”

Dana took over, “Well at first we kind of had to hide her, being off campus gave us a bit of leeway… None of us wanted to kick Sarah out, but after the third week of her living on the couch of the common room April had started looking for a part time job and a small apartment… Sarah had even offered to forgo school so she could work to support them, which April chewed her out for… It was also that time that one of the professors in the Psychology building agreed to see her pro-bono after April had pled her case…”

Joan just nodded sadly, being reminded of their actions. Softly she said, “So once you got the official diagnosis you were able to stay?”

Sarah squeezed her mothers hand trying to let her know it was okay, “That took a few months of sessions, but no… They had been hiding me out for almost a full month, when they offered me a job… That’s what let me stay there.”

Surprised Joan asked, “What kind of a job?”

Dana replied, “We offered her a position of a live in handyman… Our house was old and constantly needing repairs so we had actually had that in our monthly budget… By the time we got the alumni informed of our intentions, Sarah had actually saved us several hundred dollars in just a few weeks…”

Looking at Sarah, Joan asked, “What were you doing?”

Sarah answered, “Well the first week I was there, the shower drain got plugged… Imagine 18 girls in one house, with most having long hair… That was a normal job for me… Then I replaced a few electrical outlets and switches… I guess growing up with a shop, and auto shop instructor and also a Home Ec teacher paid off…”

Dana took over, “So after the house agreed, we used the repair budget to pay her. While it wasn’t a big room, we even cleaned out a storage room and gave her a bedroom… It wasn’t much, after all the budget was $500 a month, but not bad for a fifteen year old including lodging… Once we found out she could cook, she didn’t even have to chip in for the weekly grocery bill…”

Sarah smiled, “It was better than anything else I could have hoped for… My room wasn’t that big, but definitely cozy. That and you all helped me finish my high school diploma in record time… That and all the help you all gave me on my ACT and SAT’s…”

Joan asked, “So you lived in the sorority the whole time?” Sarah just smiled and nodded. Joan continued, “We were led to believe that a family took you in…”

Glancing over at Dana, Sarah just said, “A family did take me in Mom… Every single Theta became my sister…”

Dana smiled, “You are the best little sister I could have ever hoped for Sarah.”

Joan asked, “So when did you start, I guess actively transitioning?”

Sarah thought for a moment, “Well I didn’t get my diagnosis for like three months, but even though Dr. Summers was seeing me pro bono, I couldn’t get any medicines until after Dana and her mom helped me get emancipated. Even then until I was eighteen the best I could do was blockers to limit the effects of the testosterone… Even with a full academic scholarship, I took a few student loans out, to get a car, and for my meds… I was twenty one when I was able to get my orchiectomy…”

Joan just sadly said, “Oh… You had them removed? I’ve read that some trans people elect to not have… that surgery…”

Wondering why that had upset her mother, Sarahs first thought was one of frustration. She was thinking that her mother was about to disapprove of her being whole, so was a bit snippy when she responded, “Yes I did Mother… I had my final surgery nine years ago also…”

Not understanding how she had upset Sarah, Joan tried to apologize, “Sarah I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to upset you… I just didn’t know… With April gone, and then watching you with Dana’s daughters I just thought…”

Sarah still slightly upset, “What did you think?”

Joan did her best not to cry, the last thing she was trying to do was to anger her daughter anymore than she had already today. “I was thinking of how wonderful of a mother you would be… Please don’t be mad at an old woman still hoping for grandchildren one day…”

Understanding now why her mother was curious did soften her anger a bit, Sarah glanced nervously at Dana not really wanted to go down this line of questioning. Trying not to give away anything she wasn’t ready for her mother to know she said, “Oh… Well if I ever meet someone, or even if I don’t I can still adopt…”

Dana feeling slightly guilty at both Sarah’s and Joan’s frustration, she decided to try to alleviate Joan’s worry and told her, “Before she had that done though, I was able to talk about storing her sperm… So there still might be hope for you…” That caused Sarah to glare at her friend. Grimacing Dana continued, “Besides shes already the Godmother of our girls… They love her just as much as us, even Ben’s girls love her… You’re right though, she will make a great mother one day.”

That had alleviated some of the worry from Joan, even though Sarah was still slightly upset that Dana had volunteered that much information. Before they could change the subject to something else, Steve and Bill came in to get the steaks out of the refrigerator when they noticed the tense expressions on the three ladies.

Steve asked, “Is everything okay in here? Bill was just schooling me on the proper way to cook a steak… Why didn’t you ever tell me I didn’t know what I was doing?”

That caused Sarah to laugh at her friend, “You dork, I tell you that almost every day, its just you never listen…”

Clutching his hand over his heart, he said with as much indignation as he could, “That just hurt young lady… Besides that’s what you say at work, you’ve never said it about my cooking before…”

Giggling at his antics, Sarah said, “Hey free food is free food… I’m going to go upstairs and check on the girls for a bit, I be back down in a few.” She didn’t wait for anyone’s confirmation, she actually needed some time away from all of this. Spending time with her Goddaughters always helped put things into perspective.

Dana knowing she upset Sarah, just looked worriedly at her husband trying to convey her concern. Steve just nodded, then looked at Bill and said, “Hey why don’t you show Joan the back yard a bit, the fresh air might do you some good.”

Bill wanting to talk to his wife to figure out what had happened agreed and gently took her hand as he led her outside.

Steve softly asked his wife, “What the hell happened? I thought things were going pretty good.”

Dana shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t exactly know… There’s so much that neither of them know… I think I told Joan some information that Sarah didn’t want her to know… Joan was worried about having grandkids… So I told her that I had convinced Sarah to have her sperm stored…”

Steve understanding now why Sarah was upset, asked, “Did you tell them everything?”

Dana shook her head, “No I didn’t… But I really want to… They deserve to know the truth…”

Steve sighed, “You’re right, they do… Sarah is not going to be happy with us if we do tell them…”

Dana slightly bowed her head and muttered, “I know… She’s already going to hate me for what April and I did, but it’s some thing I have to do… I’ve wronged all three of them…”

Steve just gently gave his wife a hug as she softly cried on his shoulder, he gently told her, “Look I know Sarah, she’ll forgive you… You both thought you were doing the right thing, she’ll understand that…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 9

---

---

Author's Note: I’m truly sorry the chapters have started slowing down. I figured it up that with the two work trips in the last two weeks, that I have travelled just over 5000 miles and worked just over 115 hour… I’m truly surprised I was able to get as much done as I have. I hope the quality of this and the last chapter hasn’t suffered too terribly much. I hope you all enjoy this next installment. ~Rebecca

After Dana had composed herself, Steve suggested they go outside to talk to Sarah’s parents. He also remembered the steaks and the reason he and Bill had initially come inside, so he grabbed the container and they both walked outside to find Bill hugging his wife.

Joan was still crying as they heard her say, “I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I keep hurting her all over again…”

Dana felt extremely guilty at that moment. Maybe if she had more faith that April’s plan would work, and she had already told Sarah the full truth, that things might be going better than they were. As it was, she had only found out the full truth from April shortly after she had passed away. Still holding on to the anger she had felt for so long, was extremely hard to let go of, and she had been afraid of telling Sarah in case April’s plan hadn’t succeeded. If she had gotten her hopes up and her parents never showing had been her main concern. She might not have been fully to blame this whole time, but Sarah and her parent’s pain right now rested entirely on her shoulders, at least some of it. That, she had every intention of rectifying.

Steve announced their presence by saying, “We forgot about these babies still in the fridge.” He was smiling, but everyone there knew it was forced.

Bill half heartedly smiled, “Oh right… Can’t forget those…” Then much more solemnly he looked at Steve and Dana and softly said, “Thank you for trying…” Bill took the steaks and started arranging them on the grill, in an effort to at least not feel helpless at the moment.

Dana moved over and Joan readily grabbed her in a hug and said to Dana, “I’m sorry that you and Steve have been put in this position… If you think it would be best… If it would be better for Sarah… We’ll leave right now…”

Dana softly tried to reassure her, “No… Please don’t leave… I know it’s hard for… well, everyone… I’m sorry I didn’t tell Sarah before you got here… I just didn’t want to get her hopes and then you not show…”

Joan just nodded as she wiped her eyes, “April told us that it was you that had found her that night… When she tried to… Thank you so much for being there for her… not only that but looking out for her all this time… We had never meant for this to have gotten so… fucked…”

At that exclamation Bill looked at his wife and exclaimed, “Joan!!!” He didn’t think of one time that he had ever heard her cuss, at least use the F word…

Joan looked at him and said, “I’m sorry… But that is what it is, had we not been so blinded by that asshole we’d have still been in our daughters life… Had we only listened sooner… I hate him only slightly less than I hate myself for listening to him…”

Still amazed at hearing his wife of almost forty years cuss, not once but twice in a row, he said, “I know… I wish we had stood up to the church sooner… It might have saved the families he wrecked after ours… There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t blame myself too… At least we know now that ‘he’ wont be able to use his pulpit to ruin anymore young lives or families again…”

Steve asked, “I’ve heard about the ‘reverend’,” they could hear the air quotes in his voice, “We haven’t heard what happened though… What did you do?”

Bill sighed, “We quit going to that church shortly after Sarah emancipated herself, we would visit from time to time simply because we had friends there. But we had started seeing just how wrong everything was with what he was preaching after we lost both our children… It was like our eyes were finally opened, but it was too late... Then when April got hospitalized, somehow he heard about it and came to voice his hatred and try to lay blame… April went off but I…” He paused, ashamed of how he reacted in anger.

Joan smiled, “He knocked the hell out of him, or at least we could hope the hell actually got knocked out of him at least… Unfortunately due to the aggravated assault charges, Bill was arrested, and the school forced him to retire. The last thing the district wanted as a teacher with anger issues and wouldn’t listen to us… So I retired as well… We did go back to the church before the restraining order on Bill was served, but we stood up and told the congregation what he had done to our family… Turns out other families started standing up too… Only about a quarter of the people that attended still go, and it looks like unless he is removed, the church is going to have to close…”

Dana just uttered, “Good… Give Sarah time okay, I promise I’ll talk to her tonight… I’ll do my best to get her to understand okay.”

Joan looked like she was about to start to cry again, “I just don’t know what I’m doing to keep making her so upset…”

Dana softly said, “I made her upset this time, by telling you about her storing her…”

Joan interrupted, “Why would that make her upset? It’s not like it’s a big deal, I’ve read that’s pretty common for male to female transitions…” Then a look of surprise crossed her face as a thought crossed her mind, “She’s already found someone and used them hasn’t she?!”

Dana glanced at her husband, and he could see from her expression that she didn’t know what to say. Steve tried to come to her rescue, so he told Joan, “No that’s not it, Sarah hasn’t found someone... That’s not it…”

Perplexed, Joan asked, “Then what could the reason be?”

Steve not knowing what to do looked at Dana and she just softly nodded and softly told him, “Go ahead and tell them…”

Taking a deep breath he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed, “Oh boy… Okay… For heaven’s sake what I’m about to tell you, please don’t let her know we told you until after we talk to her tonight… Please…” They both nodded in agreement, so Steve continued. “I’m not sure how to even start this conversation… I guess I should tell you I was injured in college playing sports.”

Bill asked, “Football?”

Steve answered, “No, while I played football in high school some, I couldn’t cut it for college… I thought it would be bad ass to join a intramural rugby league… It was my second year when I took a really hard blow… well down there… I never thought anything was wrong, once the swelling and soreness went away everything worked just fine…. Well until we started trying to have kids…”

Joan gasped, “You mean you aren’t the girls Dad?!”

Smirking at how she phrased the question, her responded, “Oh I am definitely their Dad… I guess you could say that Sarah is their… Father?!” Looking at Dana as he scrunched up his face and asked her, “Did that sound as weird to you as it felt to say for me?!”

Dana couldn’t help giggle at her husband, but nodded. Then she noticed the looks of surprise on the older couples face. Then Joan looked and pointed to Dana’s belly and raised her eyebrows. Dana smiled and told her, “Yes this one too, this was actually the last try for us… Due to the cost she couldn’t afford to store much… She was only able store five samples, and one of them didn’t take…”

Joan slowly stepped closer to Dana and started to reach out her hand before she paused and asked, “May I?” Dana just nodded, so Joan gently placed her hand on Dana’s swollen belly. Dana immediately felt the baby shift to Joan’s touch, which from the smile on Joan’s face it was obvious that she had felt it too. Joan just softly said, “Oh wow!”

Dana tried to reassure the older couple, “I promise I will talk to Sarah when you both go back to your RV… Right now I don’t know if she would really listen to me since she is still uncomfortable with you both…”

Bill had left the grill and had let Steve take over, he had put his arm around his wife and staring at the woman who was carrying their grandchild. He told her appreciatively, “Thank you so much for this… For everything…”

After a few moments of Joan feeling the baby moving Steve spoke up, “Not to change the subject, or that I’m quite the expert as you are Bill, but I think these are done…”

Bill stepped over and checked, then they started pulling the steaks and setting them on the plate. “Guess we need to go let Sarah and the girls know supper is ready as soon as the stuff in the oven are done.”

As both couples started inside the house so the ladies could check on the oven, they heard a guitar playing and a lovely alto voice singing the first verse of “Puff the Magic Dragon”. Both Joan and Bill looked at Dana questioningly.

Dana spoke up, “Looks like Larissa talked her into playing, both of them love to listen and sing along with Sarah. Steve, here take the steaks and lets go check on the oven, while they go and listen to Sarah as she finishes up the song. Just tell the girls to clean up for supper.”

As they both walked into the living room, they saw their daughter sitting on the ottoman with both girls sitting on the floor staring at her. Sarah’s eyes were closed as she was singing, Ally was sitting there rocking and humming to the rhythm, while Larissa was actually singing along. Joan and Ben just sat and watched in awe.

As Sarah starting singing the last verse, her voice started to crack as she sung the line “Dragons live forever, not so little boys.” As she continued the verse about Jackie Paper abandoning Puff, the pain in her face was evident, as tears started to flow down her cheek.

Joan started to move towards Sarah, all she wanted to do was to console her daughter, but Bill stopped her while shaking his head. Instead the both watched the scene unfold in front of them. Larissa just creeped closer to Sarah as she was finishing the song, being careful not to interrupt her. As Sarah finished the song she looked down and took the guitar she had been playing and leaned over to put it into its stand. No sooner did she let go of the guitar Larissa immediately grabbed her in a hug. Sarah closed her eyes and hugged the small blonde child for all she was worth.

Sarah softly said, “Why do you always want me to sing that song, you know it makes me cry.”

Larissa just pulled back far enough so she could look Sarah in the eyes and said, “I know… When you cry I can hug you to make you feel better…” She then gave the sweetest smile she could to Sarah.

Sarah then pulled Larissa in for another hug and told her, “Sweetie, your hugs always make me feel better.”

Joan felt her eyes starting to moisten at the tenderness of the moment watching Sarah and the small girl, Ally stood up and got into the hug as well. It was then that Sarah looked up and saw her parents standing there watching them. She immediately pulled back and started to wipe the tears off her face, then asked, “So how long have you two been there?”

Bill replied, “We came in about half way through the song, Sarah that was amazing…”

Sarah gave a half-hearted smile, “Thanks… So what do you guys need?”

Joan trying to be nonchalant now that she knew that those were their granddaughters, said, “Dana and Steve said dinner was just about ready and for the girls to clean up.”

Both girls hopped up and squealed as they bolted to go wash their hands, leaving Sarah alone with her parents. Both Joan and Ben watched the girls take off running, and were unaware that Sarah was staring at them. When they returned to look back at their daughter they immediately realized the look of anger on her face.

Sarah had been caught off guard when she realized her parents had been listening to her sing, and then the moment she had with the girls. The looks they had given them didn’t immediately set off any warnings. When the girls took off though she noticed how her parents were staring adoringly at the girls and how their gaze followed them out of the room. Immediately she knew why… In a very flat tone she stated, “They told you…”

Caught off guard, her parents started stumbling over their words. They had promised they wouldn’t tell her they knew, but they couldn’t help how their expressions had given them away. Joan tried to say, “Told us what?”

Sarah said with much more force, “Do not play stupid with me. They told you about the girls, I know it! I could read it in your faces that you know!” She glared at them a few moments, daring them to say something. Neither of them dared to speak, afraid of upsetting her any worse. Finally she spoke again, “Just don’t start getting too comfortable with that bit of news…”

Joan said, barely audible, “What do you mean?”

Again in a flat emotionless tone, Sarah stated, “It just means that I haven’t decided yet if you two will be staying here much longer…”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 10

---

---

Author's Note:The end of this one has taken me several revisions to get the end of this one be somewhat close to what I was hoping… Apologies for it taking me so long to get it out. Thanks for y’all patience, and thank you all so much for reading. ~Rebecca

No sooner did the words come out of Sarahs mouth, she regretted them. She knew that her parents were trying, and trying really hard. She knew she was being difficult, but she had that right didn’t she? She didn’t know if the reason they were here were only to honor a dead child’s last request, or if they truly wanted to reconcile. The entire day had been an emotional rollercoaster, one that she couldn’t seem to get off of or have any control of either. The one thing she did know was just how much those words had hurt her parents, the look on both of their faces turned her anger instantly into remorse. She covered her mouth with one hand, and mumbled, “I’m so sorry…” Then the tears started to flow yet again. She uttered I’m so sorry…” Then she turned and bolted to the bathroom, she just had to be alone long enough to recollect her thoughts.

Steve had walked in to the living room to see how things were going to witness Sarah’s outburst. He was stunned at how cruel she had been, but also saw how much saying that had hurt not only her parents but Sarah as well.

Bill looked up and saw Steve right after Sarah had gone down the hallway. He softly said, “I appreciate all this… I think we should go… It’s just too much for her…” Joan just held on to her husband tightly.

Steve tried to console them for a moment, but he was also worried about Sarah. He had seen her angry, but she had never been cruel. He looked at Bill and Joan and told them, “No… You two go get your plates and sit down… I’ll go talk to Sarah. It’s going to be okay…“ He mentally added the words ‘I hope’, but refused to say those words to them… The older couple nodded and moved on towards the dining room, then Steve made his way to the bathroom.

As he was about to knock on the bathroom door, he stopped and listened to see if Sarah might be okay. He could hear her crying through the doorway, even though it sounded like she was trying to muffle it. He said gently, “Sarah, its Steve… Open up please.” He listened some more, and it sounded like she had stopped crying, or at least loud enough to hear. He repeated his plea.

“Go away, I’m Fine” came through the door.

“No you’re not fine, c’mon and open the door. Talk to me.”, he told her.

A muffled, “It’s not locked,” came from the other side of the door.

Opening the door he saw a distraught Sarah sitting on the lid of the commode and wiping her eyes with tissue. The look on her face crushed him, seeing his best friend like this made him wish he could just take her in a hug and hold her till she was okay. Trying to console her he squatted down so he could look her in the eyes and softly said, “Sarah, it’s going to be okay…”

Sarah slowly nodded, “I want it to be… I keep lashing out at them… I know they’re trying… What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t want to be this angry person…”

Taking her hand in his and giving it a soft squeeze of encouragement, he told her, “Sarah… You’ve been through a lot… We all know that. They’ll forgive you for your outbursts, I know that… Look, let’s get through dinner and when they leave why don’t you stay so we can talk. We actually need to talk.”

Still upset that he and Dana had told her parents the truth about the girls, she nodded and replied, “Yeah we do need to talk…” Giving his hand a squeeze, she then said, “We just have to get through dinner right? I guess I need to straighten up my makeup…”

Giving her one of his patented mischievous grins, he said, “Well I wasn’t going to say anything…”

Giving him a ‘go to hell’ look before her lips started to curl up in a small grin, she told him, “You’re such an ass…”

Shrugging her comment off, he joked, “Yeah, but that’s probably one of my redeeming qualities.” He then stood up and helped her up, where he gently gave her a hug.

“You’re probably right.” She told him softly laughing in his embrace. This was one of the things she both loved and hated about him. No matter how mad he made her, she could never stay mad at him for long, even if she wanted to stay angry with him.

Releasing her from the hug, he asked, “So you going to be okay?”

Nodding she told him, “Yeah, at least for the next few minutes…”

That brought a chuckle from him, “Well we can’t ask for more than that. See you in a few minutes while you do… You know, your face stuff.” Sarah playfully slapped him on the arm and shooed him out of the bathroom, so she could clean up her tears.

A few minutes she walked into the dining room where everyone was seated. Her parents looked up hopefully at her, hoping she wasn’t still so upset. Still regretting how she had snapped at them, she smiled slightly and apologized softly to them.

Then Larissa spoke up, “Sarah! We saved you a seat!!!” While little Ally just kept saying, “Sarah, here. Sarah, here..” Seeing the two empty seats, with one of them in between the two girls, she giggled at their enthusiasm.

Dana spoke up, “They had to have you next to them, if you want just sit at the other side it’s okay.” Both girls groaned at that, which only brought more giggles from Sarah.

She said, “It’s okay, I’ve missed them almost as much as they missed me it seems.” She sat down in between the girls, and facing her parents. Ally was to her left, and on the other side of Ally sat Dana, with Steve at the head of the table. All the food was already placed in the center of the table, and shortly everyone had helped themselves to the food, with Sarah helping both Ally and Larissa with theirs.

Before they dug in Steve spoke up, “First things first, ‘Rissa do you want to say the blessing?” Larissa just nodded vigorously.

As they bowed their heads the young girl started the prayer, “God bless Daddy and Mommy and Sarah and her Mommy and Daddy, and bless Ally too… She needs it the most…”

Ally interrupted, “Heyyyy… Nuh uhhh!!” Which then made it difficult for the adults to silence their soft chuckles.

Larissa continued without missing a beat, “Thank you for all the yummy food the Daddies and Mommies made, and God thank you for helping Sarah find her mommy and daddy… that’s it… Amen…” She then looked up at the adults seeing if they liked her prayer, all the adults were smiling at her, but her eyes rested on Sarah. Seeing that Sarah was wiping a few tears away, she asked her, “Do you need a hug?” She then held her arms up to hug her.

Sarah gently leaned over and gave the small girl a hug and told her, “I’ll always need your hugs sweetie…”

The tender moment was broken up by little Ally speaking up, “Me too, me too!” Which made Sarah laugh in earnest, but she still leaned over and hugged the four year old, who also gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Once everyone recovered from Sarah’s expression when she wiped the slobber off her cheek, everyone started eating, well at least everyone other than Sarah. Both girls slid their plate towards her with hopeful expressions that she would help them cut up their food into bite size pieces. Dana tried to help Ally but she was insistent that she wanted Sarah to do it.

Sarah laughed, “It’s okay Dana, I don’t mind… You do this all the time anyway…” Looking at her parents she saw them looking at her with, what she though was pride on their faces. For a moment she felt the anger starting to boil up, she was able to stifle it quickly though. Trying to change her mood, she looked at Bill and Joan and told them, “I guess you see now how I stay so thin, I call it the ‘Rissa and Ally diet plan…” Everyone laughed, other than the six and four year old, they just didn’t get the joke.

The rest of the dinner was actually pleasant, the conversation was directed away from Sarah’s transition or the twenty year gap in their history. Before Sarah realized it, it was approaching 9PM, which was way past the girls bedtimes. Everyone looked exhausted, the stress from the day had taken its toll on everyone present. Sarah volunteered to put the girls to bed, while Steve and her parents cleared the table, so Dana could sit and rest.

When Sarah came back downstairs after getting the girls to sleep, Steve and her parents had been finished cleaning for awhile and were just finishing a cup of coffee around the dining room table. Sarah sat down and they talked for a few more minutes before both Bill and Joan stood up saying they needed to get some rest. After making sure that they knew she wanted them to come to her birthday party, Steve volunteered to walk them out to their car so Sarah could sit and rest with Dana.

While walking them out, Steve asked them, “So do you two have any plans for in the morning?”

Bill replied, “Not really, since we are in a new place we were thinking about trying to find a church to go to… One that isn’t so… I guess ‘old fashioned’…” Steve immediately understood what he meant, with what their old church had caused.

Steve grinned, “Well that is why I was asking, I wanted to see if you two wanted to join Dana and I at our church. It’s a really good place, one that welcomes everyone.”

Bill and Joan looked at each other for a moment, then Joan said, “I think we’d like that… Will Sarah be there?”

Steve smiled, and for a quick second Joan could have sworn a mischievous look crossed his face. He said, “She normally sits with us, but tomorrow she has other obligations. So it’ll just be us in the pew.”

Disappointed that they wouldn’t be with Sarah, they both eagerly agreed though. It had been so long since they had been to a church after what had happened with their old ‘Reverend’. Their faith had been shaken to the core with how much hate they had witnessed in their old church, but it was still there. Bill shook Steve’s hand, while Joan grabbed him in a big hug and thanked him before they got in their Prius and drove away.

Steve walked back into the house and found that Dana and Sarah had moved to the kitchen table where they both sat, with a frustrated looking Sarah nursing her own cup of coffee. As he sat down, Sarah stated, “Okay now will you two tell me what the hell is going on? Why are you two being so insufferably nice to them? You know what they did, and what they put me through.”

Steve started to say, “Sarah, trust me we are just trying to help…”

Sarah accused, “Help who? Them or me?!”

He just stated, “All three of you…” He then glanced over to his wife and then back at Sarah who was glaring at him.

Dana trying to calm her down, softly said, “Sarah… Things aren’t exactly what we thought…”

Sarah exclaimed, “What do you mean its not what we thought? They kicked me out, disowned me and only regretting their actions twenty years later, only because April died and wrote us those letters!”

Dana tried to reach across the table to grasp Sarah’s hand, but Sarah pulled it away. Dana looked down at her hands and said, “It wasn’t twenty years later that they regretted it, it was less than twenty-four hours later…”

Sarah gave her a confused expression, “Twenty-four hours? They didn’t want anything to do with me! April told me that…”

Dana interrupted her, “Sarah, she lied… She lied because she thought she was protecting you… She lied to us both… I had believed April the same way you had…”

The accusation completely caught Sarah off guard, she just stared at Dana in shock. Finally she asked in a very cold tone, “What do you mean she lied?!”

Dana softly stated, “I mean she lied… Your parents regretted their actions the day after you left… They tried to search for you, and you were nowhere to be found… When you showed up at the sorority, April called let them know you were safe… All they wanted was for you to come home. It was April that didn’t let it happen…”

That was a hard statement for Sarah to believe, especially since April had been there for her for as long as she could remember. “No! She wouldn’t have done that! You’re the one that’s lying… She had always been there for me! For you too! How dare you!”

Dana appeared to be on the verge of tears, “Sarah… She got it all twisted up somehow… She thought the best way to protect you was to keep you away from them, anyway she could…”

Sarah blurted out, “Why are you telling me this?!? Did they tell you all this?!? They just show up and tell you all that crap to try to get on your good side?”

Dana started to cry at this point, seeing her best friend so angry at her. Even though she had expected it, but she couldn’t prepare for it actually happening. Softly she sobbed, “No… they didn’t tell me anything…”

Sarah exclaimed, “Then how do you know all this crap?!”

Reaching into her purse, Dana pulled out several folded pieces of paper and told her, “You’re not the only one that got a letter…

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 11

---

---

Author's Note:I apologize in my delay on this one, we’ve been super busy at work. That and this chapter was extremely hard to write, and also to get it how I wanted it. Beware the caution in the tag, this chapter covers one of the worst experiences in Sarah’s life. Thank you all again for reading, and all your comments. They really do make it worth it. ~Rebecca

Sarah stared at the papers in Dana’s outstretched hand, knowing what they meant. She knew that Dana wasn’t lying now, but if she took the letter and it confirmed everything that had just been said, that meant everything that she had known and felt had been a complete lie. It would also mean that all the anger that she had felt towards her parents, most of it at least, was misplaced. Yes, her parents had kicked her out, but she had thought that it had been permanent. All this time she had thought they hadn’t wanted anything to do with her, but that seems to have not been the case. She just continued to stare at the letter, frozen and unable to do anything.

Dana finally shook the letter at Sarah trying to snap her out of her daze, and said, “Here take it, she wanted you to read it…”

Sarah shook her head, “I don’t want it… Why? Why did she do it Dana?”

Dana smiled sadly, “Because she loved you… She thought she was making the best decision… It’s all in the letter… Here take it…” Dana then took Sarah’s hand in hers and placed the letter directly in her palm, and then squeezed her hand slightly so her hand would close on the letter.

After a moment Sarah gently opened up the letter, she immediately recognized her sisters handwriting, plus the date she had put on the top. Seeing it was the same date as the one on both her and her parent’s letters, she knew it was written the same day as theirs. Quickly she closed the letter back, and looked up at Dana, “How long have you known? How long have you had this?” She asked accusingly.

Those questions caused Dana to wince slightly, “It was postmarked a couple of days after she died…”

Sarah blurted out, “You’ve had it for three months?! So you decide to let me know AFTER they show up?!”

Dana whimpered, “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know if they’d ever come... I kept thinking that if I told you, and they didn’t want to reconnect, how that would affect you… What if you got your hopes up and they didn’t want to connect after all this time… It would also change what you thought about April, like it did for me… I didn’t want any of that to happen… Not unless I had to…”

Sarah sat there fuming for a few seconds before she said, “That should have been left up to me Dana, they are almost as much a victim in this as I am… You know what? I wish you’d all quit trying to protect me, I’m not that fragile, broken teenage anymore, and I haven’t been in a long damn time!!! How dare all of you keep deciding what’s best for me?!?”

Dana fully broke down in tears trying to apologize, Steve put his arm around her protectively. He looked at Sarah and she could tell that he was pissed, he exclaimed, “That’s it Sarah, ENOUGH! Dana doesn’t deserve that shit from you, so how dare YOU treat her like that!”

That caught Sarah completely off guard, while Steve had been angry at her before he had never raised his voice to her like that. Unfortunately her anger had worked up too much momentum for her to stop, “How dare I? You’re actually going to go there Steve?! I’ve been thrown out, lied to, not only by my sister, but my supposedly best friend, and you… You… YOU decide to tell my parents about the girls without even asking me what I thought about it first! Every one keeps telling me how they’re protecting me but all I feel like is that I’ve been played like a fiddle my entire life, so you can get off your damn high horse right now!!!”, she yelled out, almost screaming at him.

Steve stood up facing her, but she refused to back down and stood up to her full 5’8” height to his 6’0 stature. He was about to yell back, but then Dana doubled over clutching her belly, pain etched on her face. The stress and the tension of the evening, coupled with an already difficult pregnancy, had overwhelmed her and the baby. She whimpered out, “Oh god that hurts!!!”

The anger that had been fueling Sarah’s rage was quickly overcome by concern for her friend, that and the realization that whatever was happening to her pregnant friend was directly the result of all the stress and tension of the moment. Sarah quickly moved to Dana, “What’s wrong? Dana I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

Steve was already by her side with his arm around her shoulder trying to console her the best he could. Looking at Sarah he told her, “Just give her some space okay…”

Distraught Sarah feebly asked, “What’s wrong?”

After a few tense moments passed, Dana visibly relaxed enough to answer, “Being almost 40 and pregnant is most of it…” Dana paused as a momentary look of sadness passed over her face, she quickly recovered and gave Sarah a pained smile, “That and she isn’t a fan of all this excitement…”

Sarah covered her mouth with one hand in surprise, “She?!?! You found out it’s a girl?!? I thought you didn’t want to know…”

Dana replied softly, “We didn’t at first… Things changed though, but yes it’s a girl.”

Sarah wanted to go and hug her, and place her hand to see if she could feel her newest goddaughter moving, but she was afraid. With everything that had happened, the last thing she wanted was to cause her anymore pain. “Dana I’m so sorry… Are you going to be okay?”, she asked.

Steve was gently rubbing Dana’s back, he suddenly looked really tired when he looked back to Sarah, “Yeah she’ll be fine, she’s just really tired… Today was just too much… Look why don’t you just go home and get some rest, I’ll get her upstairs to bed and let her rest.”

Sarah nodded, “Steve… I’m sorry for what I said…”

He stood up and placed his hand on her shoulder and gently told her, “Look its just been a long day for all of us, more-so for you… Just go home okay, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

She was actually a bit surprised, “You still want me to come over? Even after all this?” She looked at Dana, who was still obviously in discomfort. With a tear starting to run down her cheek, she repeated, “I’m sorry…”

Steve gently pulled her into a hug, where she started weeping on his shoulder. He softly whispered to her, “Hey friends fight, it’s fine… I’m sorry too…”

When she finally broke from the hug, she did feel more relieved that things were actually going to be okay between them. After saying her goodbyes, and triple checking that Dana was going to be okay, she finally climbed into her truck for the drive home. She was about half way there when she realized she was still clutching April’s letter to Dana. She quickly threw it into the passenger floorboard, wanting nothing to do with whatever April had written.

Once home and cleaned up, Sarah climbed into bed. The more she tried to forget the letter, the more she kept focusing on it. She didn’t want to read, in April’s own handwriting, how her sister had deceived her for all those years. After half an hour of tossing and turning, the question she couldn’t answer and that she had to know was why… Why did she do it? So she threw on a tee shirt and shorts and went back to get the letter out of the truck. Fifteen minutes later she was back in her bed with the letter in hand. After taking a few deep breaths she started to read…

Dana, I hope and pray this gets to you and if you’re reading it, that means my crazy plan has a chance of working… I need to come clean to you, and to Sarah and Mom and Dad… I had hinted to you the last few months that I had been struggling with something and that I was going to need your help with… Then they found the cyst that has led me to being bedridden waiting for whatever fate has in store for me… I have been wanting to do this for a few years, but I’ve just been too afraid. I’m afraid though my time has run out, and this is my last ditch effort to atone for what I’ve done to Sara and our parents… And you as well…

It all started the day that she was kicked out and called me, then her phone and bus problems which led to us not knowing where she was, till she showed up on our doorstep. I was so angry at Mom and Dad for what they did, but I had every intention of trying to get them to reconsider what they did, well right up until Sarah came out to us… For the first time in my life I had seen such a sense of happiness in her that I had never seen in ‘Brian’, and I knew I couldn’t let her go back until I got our parents to accept her… There was no way I was going to make her go back to being him, I couldn’t do that to her. It broke my heart to finally know why she had struggled so hard when we were younger. All I ever wanted was to keep seeing that smile on her face that she had sitting with us at the Theta house that night.

I did actually call them that night after she had fallen asleep, I know I had always told you that we had quit talking after that night… I’m sorry for lying to you… I just thought that you would have tried to make her go back, and I couldn’t risk that until I was sure they would accept her. So I told you and Sarah that I had cut them out of our life, I had also told them that Sarah didn’t want to talk to them either, and would only relay messages through me… I was so angry at them, I wanted them to feel the pain that Sarah was feeling. I thought that dealing with that they might start to listen and realize that Brian had never truly been their son…

To my surprise it started actually working though, while they were still upset and not happy with the idea, they had agreed to meet and talk with me. They wanted ‘Brian’ to come, but I refused, keeping up the ruse that any messages were to come through me. I was half way to Lake City to meet them the night you found her and called me… I immediately turned around and when I walked in and saw her so broken in your arms… Something changed in me, I thought that they had caused her to feel that that was her only choice… I decided then my job was to protect her, totally and completely… That night I shut our parents out of both of our lives, I occasionally would talk to them, maybe 3-4 times a year, but I kept up the lie that ‘Brian’ wanted nothing to do with them, and likewise with Sarah… That lie was easier I thought for everyone… I never even told them her name…

Dana, I swear to you that I thought I was doing the right thing… My entire life up to that point I had appointed myself as my siblings protector, and I got so mixed up… I want to make excuses because I wasn’t even nineteen yet and blame it on youth, but I can’t. I know now just how wrong I was, and I can’t blame that night solely on my parents… Had she known that they wanted her to come home, even if they weren’t open to her being Sarah, it might have changed everything… She might not have attempted what she did. I don’t know. They say that your life flashes before your eyes in the end, and it might be right. I know my end is close, and these last few months that’s all that has crossed my mind. I started to see so many things differently, like my eyes were finally opened…

I’m too sick to get everyone together at once, so this is my last hurrah, so to speak. I’m writing Mom and Dad a letter, and one to Sarah, explaining some things… I don’t know if Mom and Dad will get the letter or since its been so long if they will try, but I’m hoping they will. They have to… If they do, I need you to tell Sarah all this… This is another reason I’m writing, I know shes going to be hurt, but she needs to understand that its all my fault and not yours. Show her this letter if you have to. I hate to ask you to do this, but ultimately its for Sarah… She needs Mom and Dad, and they need her… They just don’t realize it yet.

I’m getting tired, and I have two more letters to write, so I’m going to say one last thing before I end this. Dana, I’ve had everything so wrong for so long, I’m thankful that I got sick so I could finally see things clearly. My entire life I had thought I was the strong one, and it was my job to protect Sarah. I know now, that I was never the strong one, Sarah is the one that had always been there when I needed her, and for you as well. She has always been the bravest of us all. I can’t believe that I ever thought she was weak, especially when she came out to our parents at 15 years old. I’m 38 and on my deathbed, and I’m terrified to tell them why I never found ‘Mr Right’. Sarah never needed us, at least not near as much as we needed her.

I love you, my sister from a different mister, I always have. Dana, I hope one day I’ll see you again. Until we do, please keep an eye on the squirt for me.

Love,
April Leanne Richardson

Sara read and reread the letter several times, unaware that she was crying the whole time. When she couldn’t read it anymore, she sat there clutching it to her chest thinking about all the things that had happened since that night when she told her parents her secret. Even though she had read the words, and even heard them from Dana, she was still struggling to understand why she lied. Why she kept it a secret for so long. Then she thought about how everyone kept referring to that one night that she had tried so hard to forget. It was the one night in her life she had been at her absolute lowest and weakest. She didn’t even like to acknowledge that it ever happened, so her memories over the years had grown hazy. She put the letter on her nightstand and turned the lights off hopefully to get some sleep for the busy day tomorrow she had planned. As she lied there trying to go to sleep, her mind kept drifting back to that one night…

---

---

The last few weeks since she had arrived and been taken in by the Theta’s had been her dream come true, sort of. She was finally free to be herself, but the cost had been too great. She had lost her parents, the look of disappointment on their face haunted her memories. The first week at the sorority, the girls had been so nice and protective of her, it had felt amazing. Then all her self doubts started kicking in.

Even with the niceties the girls all had been showing, Sarah had started feeling self conscious and started to doubt their motives. Feeling like their own life size Barbie had been fun at first, then she started mistaking their enthusiasm for something darker. She started to feel like each time they complimented her that they were just teasing her, after all when she looked in the mirror all she saw was Brian in a skirt. She didn’t think that it would ever be possible for her to fully transition and she’d be stuck, looking like a guy in a dress…

Then there was April, she had been so great and protective of Sarah, but Sarah being here was jeopardizing April’s school and possible future. Sarah didn’t want to risk hurting April’s life by being here. She had even offered to sacrifice her school so it wouldn’t impact April, that had caused one of their biggest fights that they had ever had.

Between her self doubts and misconceptions of everyones motives, Sarah had sunk into a really bad depression for the last week. The girls had been occupying so much of her time she hadn’t had time to think, and constantly putting on her happy face was draining her more quickly than she could have imagined.

She had been in the sorority now for just over two weeks and it had been the first time since she had arrived that she was by herself. April had ended up going on a date, and with it being Saturday night all the girls were out for the night. That left Sarah time to think. Unfortunately with the fatigue and depression her mind could only focus solely on the negatives. She felt lost, and empty, and that she was a burden to anyone around her. Those were the thoughts that permeated her mind for the next few hours, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

Since she had been doing some of the handyman duties for the house, she knew where some rope and a small stepladder was, and in her darkened state she was convinced that this was the best thing for everyone. So she quickly set out to collect what she needed, and went outside to the back yard to the only tree out there.

It took her almost thirty minutes to get everything in place, with the stepladder she had, she couldn’t reach the lowest limb so it took several throws and knot attempts to get it secure. Then trying to get the noose high enough took her several attempts at tying it. Finally she had everything just how she thought she needed. She wrapped the noose around her neck, and praying that it would hopefully be quick, she stepped off the ladder and immediately felt the noose swing and tighten around her neck.

Then to her horror, her feet drug the ground for a split second, then she was pulled back into the air, it was at that moment she realized that the limb wasn’t as rigid as she had thought. As she started bouncing, she started to panic and realized seconds too late, that she truly didn’t want to die. She managed to get one hand worked under the noose on one of the bounces which allowed to to get a tiny breath each time her toes touched the ground. She started trying to get the limb to break by pushing up with her toes each time she touched the ground to try to get the limb to bend more with each decent. Each jump though she started feeling weaker and weaker, at the thought of her sister and friends finding her hanging from the tree, she renewed her efforts even though her vision was starting to blur.

It was when she knew she had only a few bounces left in her, she heard what sounded like someone yelling from the bottom of a well. Her vision was blurred enough she could only see light and dark shapes, her body was feeling numb so she didn’t feel the arms wrapping around her legs. She did feel that she had quit bouncing, and when she started to move upwards, she had just enough conscious thought left to rip the noose from around her neck before everything when dark…

She had only been surrounded in darkness for what felt like a split second before she heard a voice, it was indistinct and she couldn’t place who it was or what it was saying. It was something for her to focus on though, and the more she focused on it the clearer it became until she realized it was Dana’s voice calling to her in the dark. She focused even more trying to understand what Dana was trying to tell her, and why was Dana even here. She knew that she had died when everything went dark, so why was she hearing Dana? She concentrated on her voice, and then the words starting coming into focus.

“Don’t you dare die on me, don’t you fucking die…”

She tried to call out to Dana, but no sounds came out.

“She’s breathing… She’s making sounds… Please hurry… C’mon Sarah stay with me, don’t you fucking die… Please God don’t let her die!”

Sarah tried again to call out, but again nothing… She noticed that she started feeling warmth around her, now that she could understand Dana’s words she started focusing on the warmth she felt.

“Get your ass here now, call everyone else… She fucking tried to hang herself… I’m calling her sister… Get everyone here NOW!!! Dammit stay with me Sarah… Please!!!”

She again tried to call out, this time she heard herself moan, the warmth she was feeling she could tell that it was wrapped around her shoulders and chest. Focusing on that she reached out and tried to touch it.

“That’s it Sarah, stay with me… I’m here…”

As feeling started returning she realized the warmth was coming from arms wrapped around her, she tried to reach and touch them again and then felt a hand clasp hers.

“That’s it squeeze my hand Sarah, I’m not letting you go anywhere!!!”

As her senses started returning to her she noticed light colored blobs in her vision, then she started hearing other voices, some familiar and one that wasn’t.

“Dana relax, let me check her out… It’s okay… She’s breathing on her own.” Then a bright flash appeared in her vision which made her try to turn her head but she was too weak right now to move it. “Pupils have a good reaction. She’s moving her limbs on her own… Dana, I think shes going to be okay. Lets get her inside, everyone help lift her”

Sarah felt many hands on her arms and legs, then a feeling of floating. A few moments later she found herself sinking down onto the couch she had been sleeping on. As her vision started returning, everything else had returned to almost normal. As she looked around she saw Dana who was only sitting a foot away from her and refused to let go, and she was surrounded by other Theta’s with more coming in with each passing moment. All of them were crying and staring at Sarah, they all kept coming up and hugging her.

The strange voice she had heard, was coming from an older woman, who had a stethoscope and a penlight in her hand, and she was checking all of Sarah’s vitals. She looked at Dana and said, “All her vitals are good, If you had been a minute later… It was a miracle you found her when you did… You need to get her to see someone tomorrow, here is a friends number, she’s also an alumni. I guarantee you that she will take her in. Whatever you do though, do NOT leave her alone...”

Dana nodded, “Yes ma’am, thank you so much… I don’t know what I would have done… Had I not…” Her voice caught, and she broke down sobbing. Some of the other girls started to console her.

The older lady continued to observe and check on Sarah, and other than her voice being raspy she soon had most of her faculties back. The older woman had just finished packing up her things when the door burst open, and Aprils voice filled the house.

“Is she okay?!?! Where is she?!?” Sarah heard April exclaim, and before anyone could answer, Sarah felt her sister wrap her arms around her tightly. “Sarah what were you thinking?!? I’d never be able to live with myself if something had happened…”

Sarah apologized the best she could, but held on to her sister with everything she had. They held on to each other while the Dr. woman observed her a bit longer before she finally left. All the girls had gone and gotten blankets and had filled the floor with pallets so they could all stay down there with Sarah.

It wasn’t long before the fatigue from the stress of the night impacted Sarah and she started to fall asleep. April and Dana had been talking, but Sarah hadn’t really been paying much attention to their conversation. Right before she passed out she distinctly remembered hearing April tell Dana, “I swear to God and everything holy, they will NEVER get a chance to hurt her ever again.”

 
 
To be continued.
 

Sarah had spent almost 20 years trying to forget her painful and difficult past. She had overcome so much and had built a successful life, then one day her past comes knocking on her door.
Reconnecting the Past and the Present
Chapter 12

---

---

Author's Note:Okay, this is one of the chapters that I have been waiting to write from the very beginning. I hope that you find this one has made the journey I’ve taken you on so far worth it. Hope you all enjoy. ~Rebecca

Dana and Steve were sound asleep when two bundles of energy burst into their bedroom in the early morning, both young girls were acting like it was Christmas morning. They had remembered that today was Sarah’s birthday, well at least Larissa remembered and had reminded her sister.

Larissa pleaded with them, “C’mon get up! We have to get ready for church!”

Steve groaned, but looked at the clock and saw it was over an hour before the family had to be awake. He mumbled, “Rissa it’s still early, we’ve got plenty of time. Just let us lie here a bit longer.”

The small girl wasn’t having any of that though, “ But it’s Sarah’s birthday… The sooner we go to church, the sooner we can start her party…”

Dana giggled, “Baby, church will start the same time as it always does, no matter how early we get there.”

Larissa groaned, “But mooooom, it’s Sarah’s birthday!!!”

Steve shook his head, “It will be her birthday all day, we have plenty of time.”

Undeterred, the stubborn six year old said, “Okay fine… C’ mon Ally, I’m gonna give you your bath.” She then grabbed her little sister and started to pull her out of the bedroom.

Steve quickly remembered the last time she was going to help and bathe her sister, and the flood that occurred. He sat straight up in bed, “No!”

Dana chuckled again, “She’s just excited, and wants to help.”

Steve slid his legs out from under the covers, “Fine, Ally I’ll give you your bath. Rissa stay here with Mommy.” Ally just squealed and ran towards the bathroom, while Larissa just smiled at her victory and nodded at her Dad.

Dana looked to her daughter and asked her, “Sweetie come up here and snuggle with mommy, okay.” Larissa just grinned and hopped up in the bed with her, and as she snuggled up to her she felt the baby move.

She exclaimed, “Momma the baby kicked me!!!”

Dana smiled at the wonder in the young girls face, “She’s just excited to meet her big sister.”

The little girls eyes grew wide, “It’s a baby girl?” Dana nodded, then Larissa bent over with her face right up to her mothers belly button and said, “I wanna meet you too, but quit kicking Mommy okay…” She then felt the baby move again, and looked towards her mother and stated, “She doesn’t listen, just like Ally…”

They laid there for a few minutes, Dana staying tickled at how Larissa kept scolding her belly. After a few minutes, she noticed how Larissa’s face had scrunched up, so she asked, “Whatcha thinking sweetie?”

Larissa looked up at her mom, still in deep thought, “I was thinking whats her name gonna be…”

Dana realized they hadn’t even talked about it yet, she had an idea but hadn’t voiced it to her husband. She smiled, “Daddy and I haven’t decided yet, what do you think we should name her?”

Larissa’s face scrunched up for a moment before she said, “I was thinking…. You know how sad Sarah gets when she thinks about Aunt April since she went to heaven?” Dana nodded, and the girl continued, “I was thinking that if we named her April, that anytime Sarah missed Aunt April she could hug baby April and she’d be happy again…”

The sweetness of her daughters comment made her eyes start to water, she told her, “That’s a really good idea… We’ll have to ask Sarah what she thinks about that okay?” Larissa nodded excitedly as Dana motioned her in for a hug.

---

In another neighborhood about twenty minutes away, Sarah had already been up for a while. She had had a very restless night, so she had gotten up very early and started her yoga routine. While she rarely did yoga on consecutive days, she really needed to clear her head so she could prepare for the day. While she knew why April had done what she did, knowing didn’t make it any easier to accept. That and now she could only imagine what her parents had gone through on their own, she imagined that they shared the same loss that she had felt for the last two decades. The revelations that her parents had wanted her back had drained most of the anger she had felt towards them, now she was feeling remorse at what could have been.

When she had first given up trying to sleep any longer, she had strongly considered to call today off and just stay at home alone. While that’s what she wanted to do, she knew how many people were counting on her showing up today. Her fear of letting anyone down, quickly overrode that idea. Thankfully her morning yoga exercise had helped clear her mind enough to focus on her day and what she had to do. With her mind in a much healthier place that the previous night she started preparing for the first part of her day.

---

Bill and Joan had also woken up early, they too had had a rough night. When they had gotten to the RV from the pre-party, they both were emotionally wiped out. Joan had been crying the entire drive back to the RV and Bill tried his best to console her while driving and also dealing with his own emotions. Once they had gotten into the motor home, they had both collapsed in each other’s arms.

They both had been amazed at being able to meet their child that they had thought had been lost to them forever. While Sarah had been so different than the son that they remembered, those things about Brian that were the best parts of him were still apparent in Sarah, even more so. They both knew the meeting would be difficult and that Sarah would be angry at them, but they had been willing to do anything to get to know their child again.

Sarah had exceeded any expectations they had ever had for Brian, her dedication to her school, work, but most importantly the amount of people she had in her life, and how much those people thought of their daughter. It was if the best parts of the son that they remembered, had been multiplied exponentially into something so much greater.

Bill had been the first to wake up that morning, to find his wife snuggled up to him with her head on his chest, and his arm around her. While they had never intended for it to happen, they hadn’t had that closeness with each other for years. He had laid there for about half an hour before he had to disturb her so they could start getting ready to meet the McMasters’s for church.

---

The Richardsons were about ten minutes early arriving at the Unity Church that Steve had given them the address to. With Bill’s incessant idea to always be thirty minutes early to everything, that meant they had almost forty minutes till the service was to start. Being as early as they were, they decided to wait in their car until they saw Steve, Dana, or the kids. They spent their time waiting in the small Prius talking and holding hands with each other, something else they hadn’t really done in a long while.

By the time Steve and the girls arrived, the Richardsons had only been waiting about fifteen minutes. They had been so caught up in their conversation, they both jumped when Steve knocked on the window. After a few laughs and hugs between the couples they walked together to the entrance of the church.

Bill and Joan both were surprised at how friendly everyone they had met were, they had forgotten how a church was supposed to feel. They had tried multiple different churches back home but had stayed within the fundamentalist churches, and had never felt as welcomed as they were right now.

Once inside the main building Steve spilt off from them carrying Ally to her Sunday school class, and Dana and Larissa showed them all to their pew. They had barely gotten settled in before Steve had returned and taken his seat with his family.

Curious, Joan asked him, “Does Larissa not have a school here?”

Steve chuckled softly, “She does but she’s got something she’s going to help with at the beginning of the service.”

Joan looked at the small girl, and had to stifle a bit of laughter. She hadn’t been sure what she was doing, but she realized that she was telling Dana’s belly to behave for church to her mothers amusement. Joan then looked around at the sanctuary, amazed at how beautiful the scene was. There were huge picture windows on two sides of the large room, and the view of the church grounds gave the impression that you were almost in an outside service. She then started to take notice of the people filing in, there were many couples holding hands, and quite a few same-sex couples holding hands. She was amazed at how everyone was greeting them with hugs and smiles all around. She couldn’t help but utter, “You would never see that at our old church…” The sight almost brought a tear to the older woman’s eyes.

Dana didn’t quite hear her, and asked, “What was that?”

Joan had blotted her eye’s carefully as to not damage her makeup and softly said, “I just said you would never see couples like that being welcomed like that at any of the other churches we’d been to…” She smiled and blotted her eyes again before saying, “It’s beautiful… I wish Sarah was here… They’d accept her here right?”

Dana saw the worry on Joan’s face so she tenderly grasped her hand in hers and reassured her, “They do accept her, completely… Like Steve told you, she normally sits with us… She just had something else to do this morning so could sit here with us today.”

Joan looked at her husband, and saw that him and Steve were in a conversation about work. She went back to happily watching her grandchild talk to her unborn baby sibling through her mothers belly.

About five minutes before the service was to start, a man in his late thirties came out and sat at the piano and started to play. Dana leaned over to Joan and whispered, “That’s Jason, the music director, he’s another friend of ours, and Sarah’s. He’ll be coming this afternoon as well so you’ll get to talk to him at the party.”

Jason finished playing a couple of minutes before the service was to start, then he swung the mic that was on the piano over and spoke into it, “Good Morning Unity, I hope you all are having a great morning. I wanted you all to know that we’re all in for a treat this morning.” At that time a lady, probably in her early fifties, came out of the side door and following her was Sarah. Jason continued, “Our very own prayer chaplain is going to sing us our call to worship, so lets wish a great Unity blessing for her before she starts.”

At the sight of Sarah walking in behind the minister, Joan reached over and squeezed her husbands hand, which he returned just as much. As the minister moved on towards her seat, just to the right of the pulpit, Sarah went up on picked up a guitar that was sitting in its stand, and wrapped the strap around her. She was beaming as she walked up to the microphone as she glanced around to everyone. She paused just a second when she saw her parents sitting with her friends. Her parents noticed her pause and flinched, wondering if Steve had done the right thing by inviting them. Then she broke into a sincere smile as she nodded to them, that caused them to breathe a small sight of relief.

Looking back over the congregation she smiled as she spoke into the mic, “Good morning everyone!!! I hope everyones in a great mood today… If not, you’re going to be.”

Then Jason interrupted her on his mic, “Oh and everyone I have it on good authority that its also her birthday today. You’re what twenty four today right?” He said smiling, while the whole congregation yelled out happy birthday.

Smirking at him, she said, “Thank you everyone, and don’t listen to him… I’m glad to announce that I’m thirty five today, and I’m good with that… Just as long as I still look twenty five.” The congregation laughed along with her joke, then she continued, “I’m going to play an older contemporary song, it’s Open The Eye’s of My Heart. It’s a pretty easy song to sing, so once you all get the words down please help me by singing along… Speaking of help… Is there anyone out there that would like to come up here and help me out, I have a microphone right…”

A shrill young voice shouted out, “Me! Me!” As Larissa bolted out of the pew and sprinted up to Sarah. Everyone was chuckling at the young girls enthusiasm.

Grinning at her as she was making a beeline to her, Sarah said, “Let’s give a warm welcome to my good helper Larissa.” The young girl immediately wrapped Sarah in a hug, and then eagerly took the microphone from her as the congregation clapped.

Both of Sarah’s parents were amazed at seeing their daughter up on stage, and how confident and at ease she was. This was something they would never have imagined of their child, at least the she one they had known. They just sat there in awe, still clutching each other’s hands tightly. Dana and Steve both glanced over at the older couple and smiled.

It had only taken Sarah a few seconds to get Larissa situated, and as she got her guitar ready she asked through the microphone, “Okay are you all set?”

Larissa nodded excitedly and not realizing she still had the microphone up to her face, she told Sarah, “Yup, just try and keep up okay…” The entire congregation started chuckling, they had seen this before from the two ladies.

Sarah just gave her a sideways grin, and joked “You have been spending way too much time with your daddy.”

Everyone heard Steve say, just loud enough to be heard, “Hey!!!”

Larissa just nodded, and said, “I’m ready…”

With that, Sarah started the opening, with Jason accompanying her with the piano, and started singing the words. She had been so unsure of herself when she had arrived this morning, and had contemplated calling off performing due to how conflicted she had been. Reverend Kathleen, or Kate as she preferred, had been there and had seen how troubled she had been. That had been why neither of them had been out earlier, after a long talk with Kate, Sarah decided to perform. While still conflicted, she was much more at peace than she had been since her parents had shown up the day before. As always, once she started playing, and Larissa started singing, all her conflicts went away and she joined the young girl.

“Open the eyes of my heart Lord, Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see you, I want to see you…” While she had sung those words countless times, in that moment they suddenly struck home… She had kept her heart so closed off towards her parents for so long, it had been so hard for her to let them in again. The more she played, the more resentment she was able to let go of. As she looked around at everyone here eyes locked onto her parents, and when she saw them singing along it almost brought tears to her eyes. Her voice caught for a split second, not enough for anyone to catch it, but she continued to sing. When she started the last verse she quit singing to let the little girls high soprano carry the song to the end. Once they finished the whole congregation stood and applauded, which only caused Larissa to ham it up and start bowing dramatically. Which only caused the adults to giggle.

Sarah stepped away from the mic and shouted, “Give Larissa a hand everyone.” She then bent over and gave her daughter a hug before shooing her back to her parents. She ran up to Steve who scooped her up and started to take her to her class. Sarah then spoke again, “Ok, now everyone lets stand and sing the first hymn, I’m going to stay and accompany Jason if he doesn’t mind.”

Right before Jason started to play, Steve had gotten to the side door and he paused as he leaned his back up to the door. He then nodded to Larissa, so she then yelled out, “Rock on Sarah!!! Rock on!!!” The crowd again burst into chuckles, Sarah’s squinted her eyes to her friend.

Sarah then spoke back into the mic, “Yeah, definitely too much time with your Dad…” She was still smiling, and the congregation continued to laugh at their shenanigans.

Steve just looked hurt for a split second before he nodded to his daughter and as he backed out of the door, they both shouted, “Rock on Sarah!!!”

Sarah just shook her head laughing, “Okay now that the troublemakers are gone lets get started.”

Jason then started playing a jazzed up version of This Little Light of Mine, while Sarah switched to playing a lead guitar along with him. Joan and Bill were amazed at the energy that was in the church, then again they were initially taken back by the behavior, but realized that that was contributing to the amazing feeling that resonated throughout the building.

Once the hymn was finished, Sarah put the guitar down and went to sit next to Reverend Kate, while another person came up for the announcements. Right after those were finished, they then moved to welcoming newcomers to the church. There were about half a dozen people who stood up, including Bill and Joan after they were nudged by Dana.

Everyone was asked to stand and sing the next hymn, and once it was finished Sarah was looking for her Daily Word book. She knew she had it earlier, but it wasn’t anywhere by her seat or in her backpack.

After a few seconds of looking Kate reached to her small stack of books and grabbed hers to hand to Sarah, “Here take mine, I have a post it stuck to todays page.” Sarah thankfully took the book and as she made her way to the podium, no one noticed Kate reaching behind her to put Sarah’s book back with her things.

When Sarah got to the podium she said, “Hi everyone, I’m Sara Marks and I’m your prayer chaplain for the day. I, and the other chaplains, are here for anyone that needs private prayer or someone to listen. We will all be here after the service for anyone that needs us, just come find anyone of us and we’ll be there.”

She started to open the book to where the post it note was stuck, then she read what was written on the note.

I think there should be a change for today, I want you to read yesterdays word. I think its highly appropriate for you right now. Also the lesson afterwards, don’t you think that should go both ways?

K.

Confused as to why Kate would want her to read yesterdays lesson, she pulled the note off and the Word for yesterday make her heart skip a beat. She then looked towards her minister, who just smiled kindly and nodded her head. Sarah spoke, “Okay, wow… Today I’ve been asked to read the word for yesterday, I hadn’t prepared to read this one so please bear with me…” She then quickly scanned the page and immediately got choked up at the thought of what it said.

She cleared her through, and started to speak, her voice cracking slightly, “The word for yesterday was Family… Our expanded concept of family includes all people… The people we call family are united by birth, like minds, or spiritual connectivity. We are all children of God, linked in spiritual oneness with each other and kindred souls regardless of our perceived differences…”

She had to pause to wipe her eyes, before she continued, “As with immediate and extended family, we may not always see eye to eye or connect heart to heart. During those times, let’s remember that those who may be the hardest to relate to as family could very well be the people needing our compassion and prayers the most…”

She looked out into the congregation, and once again locked eyes with her parents. She was doing her best to hold back the tears, but seeing both of her parents wiping their own eyes caused the damn to break. She then looked at the bottom of the page and saw the lesson, and with the message Kate had written, it took her about a minute to compose herself. She wasn’t aware that Kate had come up until she placed a hand on her shoulder.

Kate asked her gently, “Are you okay? I can finish this.”

Sarah shook her head no. “No I’m okay, just give me a second.” She cleared her throat and blotted her eyes again, she then said to the crowd, “I’ve got a confession to make to everyone… I almost couldn’t be here today… I know that it’s one of my responsibilities to be here and help anyone in need… Today I didn’t think I could do that… I’m sorry…”

She glanced at Kate, who nodded her head for her to continue and gave her a supportive smile. Sarah started up again, “The lesson I was supposed to read was about the prodigal son… But Reverend Kate brought it to my attention that it should go both ways… The story talks about a son who decided to take what was his and walk away from his family… When he realized what he threw away, once he had nothing, his father took him back without question…”

She smiled through her tears, glancing around she saw how everyone was transfixed with what was going on, finally she focused on her parents. She then said, “I’ve failed that teaching… Most of you know my story, to those that don’t… I wasn’t born Sarah Marks… My parents named me Brian… Due to some severe miscommunications we split our ways almost twenty years ago… I had never thought I’d see them again… I don’t think they thought they would see me again either… Well yesterday they walked back into my life… I let anger win… I couldn’t let it go… I behaved and said some cruel things…”

Sarah started crying in earnest now, which made it hard for her to continue, but she did her best, “I couldn’t forgive them… Mommy… Daddy… I’ve missed you so much... I’m so so sorry for all the things I said… Can you forgive me?”

Bill and Joan stood up and started to walk towards her, they were both motioning her towards them. Sarah quickly glanced at Kate, who smiled again and nodded to her. Sarah quickly stepped down from the pulpit and raced to her parents, where they all three embraced.

Bill spoke, “We’re sorry too, for everything… We love you Sarah… We never stopped.” Joan just nodded, she was unable to speak from the tears.

Sarah smiled and returned their embrace, “I love you too… I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed telling you that…”

With Kate looking down at Sarah and her parents, she noticed almost everyone in the congregation was wiping their own tears. She just smiled and took over at the pulpit, but not before wiping her own eyes.

---

---

Author's afterword:I have a bit of a confession for this part of the story. The word of the day is an actual thing at a Unity Church. I’ve attended one for a bit over 5 years, and it was honestly the very first place I felt unconditional acceptance early on in my transition. More acceptance than I even found in support group, or LGBT establishments. This word of the day (while I streamlined it a bit) was an actual one I received in my subscription. While this story was still a concept, I was trying to figure out how to have Sarah have her aha moment… The day I was trying to figure that out, I got this update… Anyway, thank you all for reading and all the comments you’ve left. Much love, and many hugs to you all. ~Rebecca

 
 
To be continued.
 

----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------
Robbie’s Revelation
Chapters 1 - 3

Robbie has been deceiving everyone around
him about who and what he really is.
This starts out as the day it all falls down on him,

or does it?

---

Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday, 11/15/2016 - 10:30:13 PM.(-0400), Robbie's Revelation was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers to enjoy. ~Sephrena

---

Author's Note: I hope you all enjoy the start of this tale, its actually the first creative writing I have attempted since I was in college. We’ll just say that was 20+ years ago. This story has just been bouncing around in my head for a while and I felt the need to tell it, to the best of my ability. Some of the story is pulled from my actual experience, some are just daydreams of a 40 something lady now. Anyway I hope you enjoy, and I don’t mind constructive feedback. I hope to get better as the story progresses and I would greatly appreciate ideas. So that being said, here we go. ~Rebecca

---

 
 
Friday the 2nd of October 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.

I must have been in a really pleasant dream when my alarm clock sounded and woke me up a few minutes ago. I had been sitting here on the side of my bed trying for the life of me what the dream was about for a few minutes. This peaceful feeling, I had woken up with was quite uncommon for me for the last few years. It almost bordered on being happy. Happy and peaceful are not emotions I am used to and it made me feel uneasy. To say that I have issues would be quite an understatement. What most people don’t realized that every single time in my life I was actually happy, just seemed to be a forbearer of horrible things to come. Being happy basically frightens me. As I sat there taking a few minutes to fully wake up and get my bearings for the day, those uncomfortable emotions quickly faded to be replaced by my normal feelings of dread and anxiety. I know that most people, would be really bothered with that, but not me. I’ve lived with my anxieties for long enough that I’ve turned it into something I can use, I wear that shit like armor. Armor that nothing can get through, or at least so I thought at the time. The past several months though I could feel that iron clad suit of armor I had crafted start to crack, and my answer was to sink even further into my self-imposed depression.

After a while I noticed my clock was reading 5:30, and knowing my parents would be up exactly at six, I had to get my butt in gear. While I was waiting for the shower to warm up I hesitantly stared at myself in the mirror. As I took in my reflection I could feel my anxiety start to build some more. Thanks to my last growth spurt that started right at the end of my ninth-grade year I had jumped to 5’ 11”. If that had been it though I would have been ecstatic, but the growth fairy also sprinkled its dust in other areas. Areas that were getting increasingly more difficult to hide, some to the point of being painful to do so. Once the shower had warmed up I quickly got to business and was drying off just minutes later.

As I made it back to my room I started the process of getting ready for the day. I can barely remember what it was like from before, when I could simply just put clothes on and go out the door. Now it can sometimes take me 45 minutes before I feel comfortable enough to leave the safety of my room. Tending to one of the areas that also had spouted, I started binding my breasts. I honestly had no idea just what size they were, ever since they started to grow I tried to ignore them. Up until a few months ago that had worked, but then they got big enough I had to hide them. I couldn’t let anyone see them, I was a guy damn it! I was supposed to be one at least, or so I thought. It took me almost half an hour just to get them properly bound to where no one would be able to notice them. Getting the rest of my clothes on I was thankful we were finally into fall, wearing long sleeves and pants during the summer here in Mississippi sucked. Dressing took a lot less time than binding, it only took a baggy sweatshirt and overly relaxed fit jeans and to complete my deception. Looking in the mirror I was pleased with my effort. While not overly masculine there weren’t any obvious signs of anything feminine in my reflection, I headed to grab breakfast.

Walking into the kitchen I noticed my parents sitting down eating, as always Mom working a crossword and Pop, what I call my step-dad, with his morning paper. Trying my best to not disturb them I sat as quietly as possible with my breakfast and began to eat. Before I was even a quarter way through my food my Mom started trying to make small talk, which is what I was trying to avoid. I just don’t know what to say to her anymore. We used to be so close and now I’m so afraid of disappointing her any further than I already have. The shame I felt on that fateful day when they learned the truth about what was going on with me still sticks with me. The hurt in their eyes that day still haunts me, I can’t risk hurting them anymore than I already have.

“Morning Robbie, did you sleep well?” she asked still staring at her crossword puzzle. I never know if she is just that engrossed in her puzzle or she just can’t bear to look at her son. My anxiety always makes me think the latter. God why couldn’t I be a real son to them.

“As good as normal I guess, my run yesterday evening took a lot out of me so I slept like a log.” I responded with a mouthful of food. My running, along with regular exercise, has become sort of an addiction to me. What started out simply as a way to try to build muscle and to reduce all the fatty deposits my body had started building has become something I did now to punish my body. The more my body rebelled against me, the more I tried to hurt it.

“You know you push yourself too hard, I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself. You never do anything other than school, study, or exercise. Why don’t you ever go spend time with your friends?” she asked.

“MOM! You know why I can’t do that? What if I slip up and someone sees my…? Or someone figures out that I’m a… I mean what will happen if the truth comes out? Life is hard enough as it is! I just can’t risk it Mom, I CAN’T!!” I said in a slightly panicked tone almost hyperventilating. Taking a few moments to get my pulse and breathing to start slowing back down, and also to fight back the tears that were trying to form. I just said, “Besides Jennifer asked if I could help her this Saturday with her Biology test coming up. So, I’ll be out of the house for a few hours.”

“Well that’s good I guess” She sighed, returning to her puzzle and letting me finish my food in peace.
As hard as I tried to just finish eating without thinking about the conversation my mind kept drifting back to Jennifer. She had at one time been one of my closest friends right up until my puberty hit. The more my body started changed the more withdrawn I became, Jen was the only person that kept trying to be my friend. I was never able to fully push her away though, no matter how hard I tried. While I kept trying to retreat further into my protective shield, she actually flourished when she started puberty. She had gone from a rough and tumble rail thin tomboy to one of the most gorgeous girls in the school, so she had people lined up trying to be her friend. While I wished, we could be the friends we used to, I also knew that was impossible. I don’t think I could survive her total rejection if she found out, so we were relegated to just study and lab partners. It just was the way it had to be.

Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts by Pop clearing his throat and saying, “Umm Son? If you don’t get a move on you’re going to end up late for school.”

I just nodded and shoveled the last few bites down and rinsed off my plate. I gave them both a half-hearted hug goodbye, mostly because I was self-conscious of the multiple ace bandages wrapping my upper torso like a mummy. As I was headed out the door the pain from the binding had already started I just mumbled as I headed out to my car, “This is going to be a long ass day if this is starting already”.

Thankfully, when I pulled my dilapidated old Ghia into my parking spot at school, I saw I had 15 minutes to spare. Thanks to being a lowly sophomore our parking was the lot furthest from anything other than the football practice field, I was going to need almost all that time just to get to my locker and my first class. It would probably be easier if I didn’t have to always take different routes to my classes. If I was predictable it would just make it easier for the bullies that have targeted me to find me. That’s just one of the many things I’ve picked up for self-preservation, forcing myself into my loner exile has made me more noticed by the lesser than honorable crowd.

Thankfully my first class was my AP biology, and I made it with just seconds to spare. As I plopped into my seat next to Jennifer, I winced from the discomfort in my chest and from sitting too fast. Jennifer noticed and asked, “Are you okay? Did the Chris’s get ahold of you already?” She was referring to the two biggest pains in my life, well other than boob one and boob two. Chris Jenkins, and Chris Jacobs were two guys that believed that both of them against one was a fair fight, just as long as they picked on someone they thought they could take solo. I was lucky enough to have been their main target since middle school.

I just shook my head and told her, “Nah, they couldn’t find me this morning, even if they could I doubt they could catch me. I had just overdone it last night and pulled something, I’m okay”.

I could tell that she didn’t believe me, she just sadly smiled and said, “Okay if you say so, now stop talking cause you’re going to get us both into trouble!” I just rolled my eyes at that, and then started to try to focus on the teacher. At least for the next hour I can focus on something elses biology instead of my own. Today it was flatworms, I can live with that. I wish this class could last all day, it’s the only one difficult enough for me to keep me engaged and not drift in my own thoughts.

The next three classes were the more basic courses, US History, English, French II, and Band. While I disliked band, it was either that or PE, and THAT surely wasn’t going to happen. Through those classes I could feel myself sinking even further to the point I was starting to even worry myself. I kept telling myself to just man up and suck it up I’ll be fine. Even I didn’t believe that anymore though.

Lunch was one of the more dangerous times for me, too many other people in one space for me to hide effectively. I was at the mercy of my own luck, which I had no faith in other than it being bad luck. Once I grabbed my food I headed to one of the corner tables so I could keep an eye on everyone. One thing I had read in one of my self-defense books the best way to keep out of trouble was situational awareness, so I kept my head on a swivel. It was then I noticed Jennifer looking dead at me and walking towards me with a very determined expression. Since the only time we ever associated anymore was the two classes we had together and the occasional study sessions at either her or my house, I was confused to say the least. I mean she’s popular and has popular friends, people that wouldn’t even notice me if they stepped on me. As she sat down at the table directly opposite from me I just stared at her in disbelief.

“Robbie will you please tell me what’s going on with you? I can’t just sit back anymore and do nothing. I’ve been worrying about you for a while, but lately you’ve really started scaring me!” She pleaded.

Still in shock I respond, “Jennifer just what the hell are you doing here? What if your friends see you talking to me? Aren’t you worried what they might say? Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine!” I tried to sound as confident as possible.

“Dammit drop the bullshit!! I know you’re not okay and you haven’t been for a while. I’ve watched you go from being this amazingly funny outgoing person, someone who was my best friend in the whole world. I watched you start pushing your friends away, Hell you did the best to push me away and I wouldn’t let you!! Do you know why? Because deep down inside of you I know my best friend is still there, but for some reason you’ve locked him away! For the last time please tell me what’s wrong!! I want to help you!” She exclaimed. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.

I tried to respond, but the words just kept catching in my throat. I had hurt my parents, and now I realized how badly I had hurt Jennifer as well. My spirits sunk even lower than I thought was possible. I finally managed to get out, “I um... Jennifer, you see... I wish I could tell you...” Sighing, I wiped the tears that had started to leak out of my eyes. I finally came to realize that the best way to protect her from me hurting her anymore, was to finally force our strained friendship to be over. You know that thought of just one big hurt instead of continuous little hurts would be kinder. I finally looked at her and calmly stated, “I’m sorry I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone. The best thing you could do is to just walk away and forget I ever existed!”

“Dammit Robbie you know I can’t do that! Do you know the jocks have started a suicide pool on you? I’m not the only one that sees that you’re in trouble!! Those assholes are betting on the day you’re going to kill yourself! I’m trying to be your friend, please let me!” she pleaded.
Still sure it was the best thing to do, I coldly stated, “Really? Tell me what day you picked and I’ll see if I can help you make some extra money. One friend to another.”

The hurt I saw in her eyes felt like it pierced my very soul. With both hands covering her mouth she stood up and started glaring at me. Finally, she yelled’ “I would never!! How dare you even think that I’d!! That’s it you fucking asshole!! You want me gone, I’m gone!!”

At the commotion, I noticed almost every eye was on me. This isn’t going to be good at all, I had just made one of the friendliest most popular girls in my class cry in front of the whole lunchroom. I should have been filled with fear, now I would have more than just the bullies after me for what I just did. All I could think of if I was really protecting her, why did I have to hurt her so badly. After a moment, I steeled my resolved, thinking she will be better off this way.

I wish I could say I evaded any beatings, but as I finally sat down in Health Class, my last class of the day, I had suffered several confrontations. At least the jocks knew where not to leave visible marks on me. A minute later Jennifer came in and took her seat next to me and refused to look at me. I could see her eyes were still red and puffy. I realized that after what I did, I deserved the beatings I got and will continue to receive for hurting her.

Coach Mason came in right before the bell rang and started the class. As much as I loved biology, because of learning about all the different species of animals and their anatomy, I hated Health due to my own. No matter though how much I hated this class I do admire the Coach. She was the girls’ softball coach and stereotypically the rumor mill assured everyone that she was a lesbian. Coach never did anything to dissuade that notion, and I figured she really was from how her lectures could border on the line of something that would probably get her fired. Today was no exception.

We had been learning about the human reproduction system this week. Some of the jokers in the class would make comments about gay’s being wrong since they couldn’t reproduce, blah blah blah. What can you expect from a bunch of unruly rednecks in Mississippi during the late 80’s, they were just trying to get under her skin. I will give it to Coach, she could always bring the conversations back to where it should be, but she would always tiptoe that line talking about those alternative lifestyles for a few. That brings us to today’s topic.

We were finishing up with the topic of female reproductive organs, which I had ignored totally. That was the last thing I wanted to discuss. Half way through the class, one of the troublemakers asked the question what about those that have both? I just cringed, mostly because I was afraid that Coach would want us to walk down this path. I hate it when my fears are right.

Coach Mason then tells us all about anomalies that occur in humans and animals alike, hermaphrodites were one example. One of the guys jokingly brought up transsexuals, asking something along the lines how do you expect us to believe that’s real?? At this point I’m doing everything I can to ignore the discussion and just squish down even further in my seat. I tried to play it off as it was just hot in the room and I had a sweatshirt on, but I was also sweating profusely. Even Jennifer noticed that, and kind gave me a worried look. The conversation kept on.
It was at the moment Coach was talking about intersex individuals, how some people could be born with both sex organs but one set would stay dormant or only partially formed. I was white knuckled clutching my desk just trying not to pass out. Then I heard Coach say “Some intersexed people could even grow up thinking they were one sex, but then they would start to develop as the other. For example, a guy could hit puberty but then would start developing female secondary sexual characteristics”

I heard a girl in class, I think it was Alicia, then exclaim, “Oh my God! That sounds like it would be so confusing, that would be so horrible!!”
In my near full blown panic attack, when I heard her ask that question I simply thought, you have no freaking idea!!

I was so focused trying to maintain a calm composure, it took me a moment to realize how quiet it had gotten in the classroom. As I looked around I noticed several people near me just staring at me, and then I saw Jennifer. Her face was a mix of shock, surprise, but then I saw it in her eyes. It was realization and she was staring directly at me. At that moment, I knew exactly what had happened, I didn’t think those words I said them.

It probably comes as no surprise the next words out of my mouth were, “OH SHIT!!”
 
 
Afternoon of Friday 2nd, October 1987.

“Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!” Kept running through my head, what did I just do? I stared around and most of the people that were looking at me had a what did he say look on their face, the others were just the look of annoyance I regularly received. Jennifer’s stare at me, on the other hand, had a completely different look. She heard what I said, and related it to what was just asked in class. Oh god I am so done! I felt that impenetrable armor that I had crafted over the years from my anger, fear, anxiety shattering. I felt that the class had picked up the conversation again, but I was oblivious and just stared at my hands until the final bell rang. I just started throwing all my stuff in my backpack to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible, my fight or flight response was in high gear and it was screaming flight!

Jennifer gently put her hand on my arm and quietly said, “Robbie we have to talk about this now, I think I understand a little bit.”
I just looked at her, and shook my head no. Tears were streaming down my face now and I didn’t trust my voice at the moment to say anything. I just gently touched her hand on my arm for a minute and easily lifted it off my arm never breaking eye contact with her. Once I let go of her hand I fled out of the room and headed straight to my car.

When I got out of the building I was walking as fast as I dared without breaking into a full jog even though my flight response was in high gear. I heard Jennifer behind me, telling me to wait up, but I just kept my pace. When I approached the sophomore lot I saw three pretty big guys I knew and it looked like they were waiting for something, I had a good idea of what they were waiting for. I knew I could thank my performance in the lunch room for this, these guys never really bothered me except to ask for answers in class. Dammit I don’t have time for this, I’ve never confronted or stood up to anyone before. My preferred response is deception and evasion, but hey this looks like today is going to be a lot of firsts. If I’m lucky they’ll take me out with the first punch.

“Hey we want a word with you, asshole!” Scott yelled out. All three of them were on the football team and Scott was the QB, David a running back, and Perk, no clue what his real name was, a 270lb senior who was the offensive line pretty much.

Strangely enough I felt no fear at this point, just anger. Anger at my slip up, anger at God for cursing me like this, hell at the moment I could have been pissed the sun was shining. It just didn’t matter. As I tried to just brush past them I growled, “Leave me alone guys, now is not the time!”

It was at this moment it felt like time stood still. Perk grabbed my arm spun me around demanding to know what I did to upset Jennifer. As I finished up facing the biggest one of the three, all the self-defense books I’ve read and studied must have just poured out and I drove my thumb as hard as I could into his solar plexus dropping him like a sack of potatoes. David then tried to grab my other arm, and as I swept my leg behind his knees I drove my elbow directly into his chest and he hit the ground hard. Scott then stepped back holding his hands up in sheer surprise at seeing his two biggest and meanest looking friends taken down so quickly by someone like me.

With the adrenaline and all the emotions running through me, I shook my fist and yelled at him, “Leave! Me! The! Fuck! ALONE!”. I didn’t even notice or care that my voice, that I’ve practiced for several years now to make it sound like it had actually changed, slipped and it came out high sounding more like a shrill scream than a yell.

About at that moment Jennifer got to where we were standing, and was definitely shocked at what she saw. Scott still backing up with his hands still in the air. Then as I heard David and Perk start catching their breath and starting to get up, I took off. There is no way I’ll catch them off guard like that again. The flight response was back in full effect.

I finally got the rest of the way to my car and practically dove into the front seat. While I was trying to coax the stubborn old VW to life, my passenger door opened and Jennifer just plopped right down in the seat and shut the door. I stopped pumping the gas and turning the engine over just to glare at her. Finally, I said, “Just what do you think are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything. You are giving me a ride home.” She stated it simply as fact, no asking, no begging, just that that is what’s going to happen and I have no say so in the matter. Defeated at this point I just slumped my shoulders and finally cranked up the old cantankerous 1600cc and started driving out.

After a minute or two she softly asked, “After everything that has happened today, will you talk to me now? I’m still here Robbie, and I’m not going anywhere.”

“Not while I’m driving, I’m already a mess and distracted enough.” Gesturing at the car, “Plus he’s ornery enough as is to drive, let alone talk right now”.

“He? Hmm, okay. Fine then we can talk when we get to my house.” After a few minutes went by she mused, “You definitely surprised a lot of people today by what you did to those three. I heard David telling the others that you were a lot stronger than you looked.”
With that said, even though I knew I was dead when my parents find out, I couldn’t suppress a small smile. Where the hell did that come from, I didn’t even know I had it in me to have done what I did to those guys. The rest of the ride to her house was in silence other than the putt, putt, putting of my little Ghia.

We had a few minutes of quiet after I shut down the car outside of her house, she was just intently looking at me waiting for me to speak. Trying to think of where to start, what to say, I just kept sputtering. I probably sounded a good bit like my car at this point. Finally I just say, “Jen... I want to tell you; I just don’t know where to start. You’ll hate me if I do... I just cant...”

Before I could get the rest of it out, she smoothly snatched my keys out of the ignition, and slid out of the car. Before she closed the door, she said, “Dammit you’re going to either talk or walk. It can’t be but 4 or 5 miles to walk”. With that she slammed the door and started heading towards her house. I screamed and hit the steering wheel for about 15 seconds. If she wants to know what’s going on, then FINE! I’ll tell her everything and I mean everything. After she knows the truth she won’t want to have anything to do with me, she couldn’t, could she? With fresh tears forming on my cheeks I slowly start heading into her house.

As I stepped into her living room, I saw she was already in the kitchen fixing some drinks for us. She handed me some Kleenex when she brought the drinks into the living room. I asked if I could call my Mom at work and let her know I’m here because this will take a while. She just nodded so I made the call using a major test next week as an excuse for extra study time. Mom seemed pleased I was starting to spend more time with her, even if it was only studying. Guess hope springs eternal with her or something to that effect. I returned to the living room and sat on the couch. Jennifer sat down next to me with an expectant, almost hopeful look on her face. When she noticed that I was trembling she gently and quietly laid her hand on my arm. With my resolve to keep my secret hidden from her gone, I started my story.

“Okay Jen, no more hiding and no more secrets, that’s what you wanted right?” she just nodded so I continued. “First off I’m going to tell you that you probably won’t believe me, hell I barely believe this myself and I’m the one its happening to. I’m not who you think I am, I mean, not what you think I am.” With me already messing this up she felt my arm tense up in frustration.

“Robbie just take it easy okay, I’m here and willing to listen. That’s bullshit though, because I know exactly who you are. You have been my best friend since we were 8 years old, I know exactly who you are even when your hiding behind that stupid wall you’ve built. Remember PNC’s, forever right?” She was referring to what our parents had said to us that we were just like partners-n-crime from day one. “As for what you are, I’m going to assume from your outburst in class that it had something to do with that conversation about intersex people, right? It can’t be as bad as you’ve been making it seem out to be.”

“It’s actually worse than you could guess.” I paused to wipe my eyes and take a sip of my coke she had given me. After a moment, she squeezed my arm prompting me to continue, “You see the guy that you see right now. Well. Um. He isn’t really a guy anymore, if I ever was one to begin with.”

“What do you mean not really a guy or if you were one to begin with? I’ve seen you naked back when we went skinny dipping in that pond behind your house, when we were what 10? I know that you’re a guy.”, she states as she glances down at my crotch, “I’ve seen it.”

“Do you remember that what you saw was incredibly small, like it had never grown any since I was a baby?” I said.

“Honestly Robbie,” she smiles” Yours is the only one I’ve seen so I don’t have a good size reference. Besides neither one of us cared about that then, I just remembered you had one.”

I had to smile at that memory, a genuine smile, which she noticed and returned one back to me. I placed my hand on top of hers that was on my arm and continued, “That was well before we knew something was wrong, because it never ever grew beyond the size it was when I was born. By the time I was 12 it was obvious that I wasn’t beginning puberty or that my, um thing, looked like it should be on a 2-week old baby. That’s when all the testing began and when my life started falling apart around me.” I started really trembling and started to cry, not just cry but a body wracking full blown sob. Jen didn’t say anything but just leaned in and hugged me till I was past it. When she sat back I could see she had been crying with me, so we just sat there for a minute still holding hands.

“I’m still here” was all she said and nodded for me to continue. So I pressed on.

“They did a lot of tests, including bloodwork, checking all my levels for like everything, other than my hormone levels being extremely lower than they should have been I was perfectly healthy, but that was the reason for my puberty and well, size problems. When they performed an ultrasound to see why my testicles haven’t dropped or to see why they weren’t functioning they found out that I had never had any to begin with. They also found a “void” that they didn’t understand what it was until later.” For some reason, I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that, to which she appeared confused.

“Why is that funny? That would be so terrifying!” she exclaimed.

“Trust me it was at the time, just looking back now, this is the part where it starts getting really strange. I feel like I should have Rod Serling narrating this part.” I chuckle, “So the Docs believe that I just wasn’t born with testes so they suggested I immediately start being given testosterone and my body would start puberty and I could live a so called normal life. Hah normal!” I snorted.

“What went wrong? I mean you started puberty. I remember when your voice changed, that and you’ve gotten so tall and strong. I’m confused.”
Going for broke, I relaxed my voice as much as I could and stated, “My voice never changed, but I definitely started puberty”

She pulled back surprised, “Oh my God you sound like a.”

“Girl” I finished for her, “yeah I know. Plus, my Dad was really tall, and as for strong it’s just my insane addiction to exercising, I didn’t get those from puberty. As far as the rest, after about 3 months taking the testosterone I did start seeing changes, just not what we expected. My chest started getting puffy and sore, and my thing started shrinking, as if that was possible. I ended up getting another few weeks of tests before they figured out what was actually happening. Do you remember in health class when they said that all fetuses start out as female?” She nodded so I continued, “Well it turns out that my body can’t process the testosterone, something along the lines its missing the required enzyme or something that converts it to something the body can use. I wasn’t born without testicles; they had just never changed from being ovaries. They had been dormant, but the influx of testosterone signaled something and kick started them into overdrive. My estrogen levels were a bit high but right on track for a girl during puberty.” The brief moment of levity I experience at how fantastical I knew this all sounded was gone, I started to shake again with the weight of what I was about to tell her. Jennifer was too stunned to really say anything so she just nodded and gave my hand another squeeze.

My anxiety had returned full force and I couldn’t just sit there anymore so I stood up and started pacing as I finished, “Puberty kicked and in it kicked in hard. My breasts started growing, my thing kept shrinking. By the time I was 14 we “found out” what that void was. It was my fucking cervix that until then had also laid dormant!” I sobbed. Jen was just to stunned to do anything but sit there staring at me. After a moment I continued, “My body which had only barely been male from birth had started to revert to what it had started as! The “void” started to open up and the summer before I turned 15 I had to have surgery to finish opening it up because the danger of infection was too much!”
Finally getting it all off my chest, I collapsed to my knees and completely broke down. Hesitantly Jennifer came over to me and gingerly embraced me in a hug. I don’t know how long we stayed there, but it took a while for me to finish crying. She helped me stand up and while holding both my hands in hers she stared into my eyes. I don’t know if it was shock, fear, curiosity, but I definitely saw something in her eyes.
“So are you a girl or are you a guy, or maybe something in between”, she quietly asked.

“Jen. I have XY chromosomes so genetically I am a guy, I’m just a guy that started ovulating and menstruating a month after my 16th birthday. Look I understand if this freaks you out and you don’t want to see me ever again, but that is the truth. I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you, I hope you understand why at least”, I said as I turned to start to leave.

She held on to my hands and spun me back around. “Robbie I don’t want you to leave, I told you I’m your friend and I will continue to prove it until you remember it yourself. You do understand this is a lot to take in, a lot of lots. I need to ask you a favor though, please.”
As I looked into her eyes I didn’t see fear, just compassion. I smiled and said, “Of course Jen, whatever you need okay.
She just simply said, “Robbie I need to see. Everything.”
 
 
Chapter 3

“What do you mean you want to see everything?!” I blurt out.

“Robbie please calm down.” She pleads, “You have to understand how everything you just said must sound to me. I’m trying to believe it, I really am, but it just sounds so impossible. I promise I won’t make fun of you, I just have to see, please. Besides we’ve already seen each other naked, remember? If everything you’re saying is true than you won’t have anything I can’t see on myself. Okay?”

I understood her concerns, and also her curiosity. We also have been skinny dipping a few times, but that was before, well everything. I’ve been this open with her, so I just nod slowly. I tell her quietly, “You have to understand how hard this is going to be for me, but I’ll do it. My parent’s haven’t even seen me like that since the surgery almost a year ago. So do you want me to just drop my clothes here in the living room? Your parent’s are due home soon aren’t they?”

She shook her head, “No, Dad is at some engineering conference in Seattle for the weekend and won’t be back till Tuesday. Mom is pulling a double, one of the ER nurses got her to cover for her, so she won’t be home till after 11. C’mon and we can go to my room okay?” She gently grabbed my hand and led me upstairs.

My heart was racing as we got to her room, she closed the door and locked it. “I guess no time like the present.” I muttered, and proceeded to take off my sweatshirt and grimaced from the discomfort from my bound chest. I could see the concern on her face but I continued. I pulled off my damp t-shirt, still wet from all my sweating today. My skin that was visible around the ace bandages were all splotchy and raw from the heat and irritation. “Oh my God” I heard her say. I asked her if she was still sure about this and she just nodded so I turned my back to her and started peeling off the bandages. I whimpered when the bandages came free and blood started flowing freely into my breasts again, this hurts worse than when I bind them.

“Are you ok?” She asked, concern obvious in her voice.

“Yeah they just complain for a bit after I let them free is all. Here goes nothing, you did say everything.”, I said. I stepped out of my socks and shoes and unclasped my belt. The oversize jeans then just fell off with only gravity helping. After I slid off my boxers I just stood there with my back to her taking some deep breaths I started to turn around. Even though I had my hands positioned to hide my nipples and my crotch, Jen’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “I told you” I remarked.

She gently pulled both of my hands to my side and stepped back covering her mouth with her hands, clearly stunned. I just stood there quietly as she took in my full breasts, my tightly muscled body, and my smooth crotch. A few moments later she slowly stepped forward with her hand reaching out, and before I realized what she was doing she gently caressed my breast. It wasn’t anything sexual or even sensuous, but it felt like there was a shock that startled both of us back into the moment.

“Oh my God they’re real!!”, She exclaimed. “I believed what you told me, or I tried to. Seeing it though, oh my God. This is amazing!”

“It’s not near as amazing from my point of view, trust me. Now you know everything, you’ve seen everything.”, I say with emotions starting to resurface. “Now you know why I’ve been a loner, why I’ve shut people out. I’m so… I’m so so sorry I shut you out, can you ever forgive me.” I start to tremble slightly as tears start running down my cheeks again. Am I ever going to run out of these things?

She just gently steps up and wraps me in a gentle hug and said, “I understand why you did what you did, but I just wish you had of known that you could have trusted me. I’m sorry too that you didn’t know that.” We embraced for several minutes until we both had cried until we couldn’t cry anymore. Before she let me go she whispered in my ear, “In case you haven’t realized it, you are beautiful. But you need a shower BAD, because you stink!” She was smirking as she was holding her nose when she stepped back.

“Yeah, well wearing all those layers, and the “excitement” from today I sweated a lot more than usual. Just hand me my clothes and Ill shower when I get home.” I stated.

“No these things are nasty; you’re not putting them back on until I wash them. Look just go shower in my bathroom across the hall and I’ll go throw these in the washer.” She said fussing at me.

“Oh really? Just then what am I supposed to wear when I get out? Or do you just want me to walking around naked the rest of the evening?” I chastised her.

“Oh. I didn’t think that far ahead”, She giggled, damn her laugh is infectious. “Give me a minute.” She then dug through her desk drawer and pulled out a measuring tape and proceeded to take measurements. She was busying herself and muttering to herself, “Okay a bit smaller in the waist and hips, um wow bigger in the chest.” Thankfully she didn’t comment on the few bruises I had from today’s excitement, I did notice her grimace a few times though. Finally, she handed me a plain bathrobe and shooed me to the bathroom and just told me, “I’ll have something when you get out.”

“Oh great” I mused and started picturing her handing me skirts and blouses, there is no way she’s getting me in a dress. I really did need a shower though, so I turned the water on and hopped in. It took me a few minutes to find the appropriate items with all the different bottles of stuff she had in the tub. Why couldn’t they just be labeled soap and shampoo, and why did everything have to have some exotic flower scent? After I finished drying off I started to put the robe on and was just a bit self-conscious, the damn thing was about 5 inches from my knees. Slightly blushing I head back into her room.

The minute I walked into her room she started handing me items to wear, she had a small pile of stuff on her bed she was sorting through. I looked at what was in my hands, when I saw they were panties I blurted out,” No way!”

“Ugh, look your boxers are in the washer, they are just plain cotton underwear nothing more. Besides they will fit you better since you’re smaller than me in the hips, these are some older ones of mine I can’t wear anymore. Just try them on okay”, She started pleaded. I hate it when she does that, while giving me her sad puppy dog eyes. I always give in, just like now.

Keeping my robe on I slid on the so-called underwear, trying not to think of them as panties. They actually fit fairly well, and actually felt pretty comfortable, I wasn’t about to let her know that though. Next item she handed me were some plain denim shorts, which I didn’t fuss about and slid them up. Then she handed me two more items and said, “I advise you to put on the sports bra, but you don’t have to if you don’t want. It will keep bouncing to a minimum though.” I thought I’d just pass until I saw my nipples protruding prominently through the t-shirt. So, I yanked the tee off and pulled the sports bra on over my head followed by the tee. It didn’t feel too bad; I mean it was snug but it wasn’t painful like the bandages. I then looked into the mirror and was stunned by the sight that reflected back at me. Other than my short hair and my thick eyebrows I saw a teen-age girl, one that with some effort could be cute maybe, but with a fantastic figure. The shorts being a bit loose hung on her hips, and the snug tee showed off her breasts, there was a tiny bit of midriff showing since the tee didn’t meet the shorts fully. If my head wasn’t on her body, I’d almost call her sexy. I shuddered as my psyche took a huge blow at that realization. I had always looked at parts of my body but never my body as a whole. If that makes any sense at all.

When I turned from the mirror she noticed me looking upset and her expectant look turned sour really quick. “What’s wrong? Do they not fit ok? I picked the least girly items that I thought would fit, I promise.”

I smiled weakly, “No the clothes are fine, really. They fit better than anything I’ve worn since... Well since before I can remember honestly. It’s just that when I looked in the mirror I saw me. “I gestured at myself, “Like all of me at the same time, you know, and it caught me off guard. So, what’s next? You going to do my hair, makeup or maybe a manicure?” I joked lightly.

She smiled gently saying, “No I haven’t planned to do those things, unless you want to?” she giggled. “Honestly I thought since you are dressed we could just go downstairs and study till your clothes are dry. No need lying to your Mom, since you said that’s what we were going to do.”

I laughed at that and nodded my head. So, that’s what we did, just study. Occasionally she would fuss at me when I would subconsciously drop to my practiced voice, telling me I didn’t have to do that around her. Every now and then I would notice that she would just start giving me a sly smile, I didn’t figure out why though. About 7:30 I asked her about my clothes and she just got a look of panic and shot up towards the laundry room. I laughed knowing she forgot to stick them in the dryer. I started thinking that I should have been watching the clock like a hawk, to be able to get back into my clothes as quickly as humanly possible. While I felt awkward sitting here wearing my best friend’s clothes, girl clothes at that, I felt oddly comfortable. The shirt was soft and felt good on my skin, the panties weren’t bunching up like my boxers do, even the bra, while confining, wasn’t uncomfortable. What is happening to me? Then I realized something, this whole time of sitting down here that Jen was just treating me like me.

“Sorry I completely forgot about your clothes”, she said sheepishly, interrupting my thoughts, when she came back into the living room. I couldn’t help but laugh and say it’s okay. “Hey are you hungry?” She asked.

I nodded so we went off into the kitchen I gasped when she started pulling out frozen dinners. “No way am I going to let a friend eat frozen dinners on a Friday night! Let’s see what we have in the fridge.” I started rooting around in the fridge and cupboards to see what I could make.

“Oh you going to cook me something? I didn’t know you cooked too.” She joked, but she was definitely thinking something. At this point of the day after everything that had happened I was afraid to ask so ignored it.

“Yeah I cook; I love to cook. Look my Mom is a great cook, but for saving time it’s like she rotates the same 10 things year around. I started teaching myself just to have a better variety.”, I smirked. “Ah ha, this will work.” I said as I started pulling stuff out on the counter.
“Well a girl could get used to this, go ahead and spoil me!” She demanded, laughingly so.

“I don’t think so princess, I’m going to make you work! Here thaw and peel these.” I ordered as I handed her a bag of frozen shrimp.

She tried to pout, but through her laughter couldn’t manage a convincing pout at all. She got to work as I started a pot of chicken broth and started dicing up an onion. We talked and joked while we both worked on dinner for the next 45 minutes. The shrimp asparagus risotto turned out perfect, it was one of my favorite and best dishes I can make. I thought maybe I am spoiling her, but since she’s still here after today she deserves a bit of spoiling.

We were about half way done with our meal and we were so involved in our conversation that neither of us heard the door open. I was in the middle of saying something when I noticed Jen’s eyes grow wide then I heard her mom speak.

“Oh my God! Girls that smells wonderful, so Jennifer who is your new friend?”, Mrs. Cook said.

I spun around in panic and faced her, it took a few seconds for it to register with her and then her eyes opened wide. “Robbie? I thought I heard a girl’s voice?!?”, she said in shock. I jumped up without another word and ran to the laundry room and started pulling my clothes out of the dryer as quickly as possible. Jen was right behind me.

“Jennifer Ann Cook you better tell me just what in the hell is going on!!” Her Mom demanded.

“MOM!! Hold on for just a minute!” she yelled back. As she put her hands on my shoulders, she said much more gently, “Robbie, stop. It’s going to be okay, just calm down. We can explain this to her, we have to. C’mon let’s go back in the kitchen. You can do this.”

With all the stress from the day I was so emotionally spent it was all I could do to keep from just collapsing in the floor at that very moment. I just let her lead me back into the kitchen, never looking up to see her mother.

“Well young lady and young man I am waiting for an explanation!”, her mom demanded.

“MOM, stop! We’ll explain everything just give us a second”, Jen fired back. The gently she put her arms around my shoulders and said softly to me, “Do you want me to tell her or do you want to?

I said, “You do it, I just can’t right now.” The tears yet again started to flow from my eyes.

It took almost an hour for Jen to relate the story with her Mom’s interruptions and questions. I answered some that Jen couldn’t, but for the most part I let her talk. Through the talk her mom got less and less angry for me being dressed in Jens clothes. A few “Oh dears”, and “poor babies” got thrown out, toward the end she just came around the island we were sitting at and wrapped me in a hug and kissed me on the top of the head.

“Sweetie I am so sorry, I had no idea. Your Mom had told me that you’ve been going through some struggles, but never in a hundred years could I have imagined this. I’m sorry I came at you two like I did.” She said trying to comfort me.

Jen, trying to lighten the mood, said, “Well… Mom for one thing you weren’t supposed to be home for another hour and a half.” Her Mom and I both stared at her for a second and started laughing. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling of laughing and crying at the same time.

Mrs. Cook fixed her a plate and sat around the table and talked with us while we all finished eating. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore since I was still sniffling from time to time, but joined in the conversation when I could. A little bit later the phone rang and I noticed the time, 10:00. Crap! Mom’s going to kill me.

Mrs. Cook answered the phone, “Hello? Oh hey Jane, yes he’s still here… I’m so sorry it’s my fault, he had offered to cook us a meal and the time got away from us all… No he cooked a shrimp asparagus rice dish… Yeah risotto, that’s what he called it… Okay, I’ll get them to wrap it up and I’ll send him home… Okay, talk to you soon, bye.”

“So am I dead when I get home?” I asked.

“No she was worried about you sweetie, we all have been lately. She seemed surprised that you cooked for us, but she sounded glad that you did. You do need to get home though.” Mrs. Cook said as she patted my shoulder. I just nodded and saw Jen had already grabbed my clothes.

I was half undressed when I thought about it. “Wait a minute!! What’s your mom going to think me changing in front of you?”

“She knows I saw you earlier Robbie, if she has a problem I’ll talk to her later” she said as she hugged me again. As I started to pull down my panties she said, “Keep them on, I already said they don’t fit me anymore. They’re yours okay.” I just nodded and pulled them back up, strangely the thought of wearing them wasn’t bothering me as much. They were more comfortable than my boxers at least, but I’m not going to let Jen know that. I started to pull the bra off Jen said, “Leave it on, with your baggy sweatshirt you won’t be able to notice your boobs anyway. You’re not binding with these anymore though, we will figure something else out.”

Fully dressed I looked in the mirror and she was right, you couldn’t really notice my breasts unless you knew what you were looking for. Seeing the baggy jeans, and baggy shirt wasn’t giving me the same feeling it used to though. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly but it wasn’t as comforting as it had been to see my shapeless form. Maybe I’m just exhausted so I quit worrying about it. She handed me a bag with my boxers and stuff and she walked me to my car.

I also had to know something so I asked her, “Jen why did you keep giving me those funny looks while we were studying. Don’t deny it because I saw you, this weirds you out, doesn’t it?”

“It does kinda weird me out a bit to be honest, but that’s not why I was doing that. Robbie there were several times while we were studying when you quit being self-conscious about the clothes and you weren’t hiding anymore. I started seeing you again.”

“Huh? Seeing me? Hell, you saw me naked in your room earlier…” I stammered.

Softer she responded, “Robbie I’m not talking about that, I mean I started seeing you.” She softly pointed at my heart and grabbed me in a hug. “I started seeing my best friend coming back, and I’m so happy to see you again. All the other stuff doesn’t matter in the least. Oh by the way I put something in the bag for you to sleep in, I guarantee you’ll like it.” With that she let me go and winked at me. Oh lord I’m almost afraid to know what it is now. We said our goodbyes and I headed home to face the music, when I noticed I felt better than I have felt in… Honestly I don’t know when.
 
 
To Be Continued...
 

Continuation of Robbie's story, as friends, family, and maybe even fate
continue him on his path of discovering who he, or she, really is.
Robbie’s Revelation
Chapters 4 - 6

---

Author's Note:Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. I have 12 chapters completed, I am compiling them here 3 chapters at a time until I get caught up to where I am writing currently. Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoy Robbie's Story. . ~Rebecca

---

 
 
Chapter 4
 
It was almost 10:40 when I walked in the door at home. Mom was still sitting in her normal chair waiting on me, guess she wanted all the info on why I was suddenly at Jens ALL afternoon and night.

“Did you have fun tonight?” She asked me, hope evident in her voice.

“I guess so, I mean we were just studying, that biology exam is going to be killer.” I lied to the best of my ability.

“Uh huh, must have been an exhausting study session if you volunteered to cook them your risotto.” She mused.

“Mom really? Mrs. Cook worked really late and Jen was going to just heat up frozen dinners, she had been really nice today so I just wanted to, you know, show my appreciation.” I shrugged, really not liking where this conversation is headed.

I know she was just teasing when she said, “Oh you two were home alone most of the night by yourselves? Is there something I need to know about? Hmm?”

I just groaned, “Really Mom? Why do you ask that? I mean you know nothing can happen… Even if… I just can’t...” I felt my vision starting to blur again, “I’m going to bed, I can’t do this tonight. See you tomorrow.”

I know I hurt her feelings as I stormed to the bathroom to do my evening routine, that look of hurt is one I’ve seen on her face way too many times. I know I’ve caused most of those looks, due to my... whatever it is, it’s all because of me. As I started to undress I caught a view of myself in the mirror in just the sports bra and panties, and for a moment I was almost enthralled by what I saw once again. Then the shame started building, I should be a guy dammit, not a girl admiring her reflection. This is why my parents look at me like they do. Why is my mind trying to screw with me? I sit down on the bed and go to empty the bag I brought from Jennifer’s and I come across the “gift” she gave me to sleep in. I pick it up and examine it, it looks like just a super long tee-shirt and whatever its made of feels so soft. I hold it up to my chest for a minute and realize it smells like Jen, which brings me to think about this evening. I’m even more confused when I smile from the memory. The memory of being dressed like a girl and spending time with my best girlfriend, well I mean my best friend who’s a girl, you know what I mean. Absentmindedly I put the nightshirt on and am surprised just how good it does feel. I lie down and turn off my light on my nightstand.

While I’m trying to NOT think of anything so I can fall asleep, my mind has other plans as it so often does. It starts thinking just how god awful this day was, possibly outing myself to my class, the fight with Jen and the repercussions I had to deal with because of our fight. Then my mind starts drifting off to later that day though, and everything that happened outside the school, and then at her house. She and her Mom know, and they still seem to care about me. Maybe this day wasn’t nearly as bad as I first thought. I was still pretty mixed up and then I remembered something that always used to comfort me, something I haven’t needed in years. I turned the light on and went and reached up in the top of my closet and pulled out my old stuffed ewok, Wicket. Yes, I was, and still am, a diehard Star Wars junkie, so sue me. I turned off the light again and laid down snuggling with my old sleeping buddy. As I started to feel myself fall asleep I couldn’t help but picture that really pretty girl that was in the mirror with the short hair.

---

 
 
Saturday Morning, Oct 3, 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.

I woke up at almost 7am from a disturbing dream, thankfully it was fading faster than I could remember, I had just woken up panicked. I stood up and stretched feeling oddly well rested, more so than normal. Then I caught a glimpse of the mirror hanging on my door, and I saw that girl looking back at me. Her short hair was wild and sticking up all over the place and the long dark blue sleep shirt hugged her shapely athletic body, I looked at her perplexed as she just stared back at me. After a few moments, I shook myself away from the mirror and the image that seems to be haunting me. Maybe a shower will help me snap out of this and wake up.

After a quick check to make sure my parents weren’t up or nearby, I made a dash into the bathroom and closed the door. I turned the water on, grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and hopped into the shower. Figured if I brushed my teeth in the shower there would be less chance of me staring into the mirror again. I tried to keep detached while I was washing, which I was usually really good at, but my mind drifted back to the way Jen touched me last night. I know she was just in shock and it was out of curiosity, but I just remembered how good it felt. I mean my breasts have been touched before, by doctors and nurses who gave them a clinical exam, you know a squeeze here, twist there, and by myself who just tried to mash them out of existence. Curiosity got the better of me, so while I was soaping them up I started washing with gentle circular motions, I closed my eyes enjoying that moment. The tingle that went through my body when I ran over my nipples though almost took my breath away, and as I realized what I had just been doing I jerked my hands away as quickly as possible. Okay that’s it, I’m done washing, so I let the water rinse me off without having to touch my body in any way shape or form. A few minutes later I was in my room, I need a good long run. I can always sort things out when it’s just me, the wind, and the trail.

I didn’t have any choice but to wear the bra again, Jen seemed to have not put my ace bandages in the bag, dammit! Back to my baggy sweatshirt, hopefully I don’t run into many people on the trail. As I was finishing my quick breakfast the phone rang and it was Jen.

“Morning sunshine! I hope I didn’t wake you up, I just wanted to see if you still wanted to come over today, for our, um, study date.” She said right off.

“Yeah I was still going to if you wanted me to. I just have to go run this morning, I need to, um, catch up from missing it last night, I can call you when I get back and get cleaned up. Oh by the way where the hell are my ace bandages?” I demanded.

“I told you that you weren’t binding with those again Robbie, they hurt you and can cause problems with how tightly you bound them. Besides I talked with Mom after you left and we have a better safer idea. Just bring a change of clothes and come straight here after your run, you can shower here okay? Pretty please with sugar on top!!” She teased.

“Ugh, Fine I’ll just head over there when I’m done with my run, so you can stop before you get any cheesier than you’ve already gotten.”, I laughed. We said our goodbyes and I was off to clear my head.

When I got back to my car after my run and cool down period, my head was still just as mixed up as before. I checked my time and wasn’t too happy, I couldn’t push myself like normal. Even with the sports bra the bouncing kept me distracted, my normal pace made them hurt. I had planned on doing 7 miles this morning, but after 5 I had to quit. Instead of being able to clear my head it was just as muddled as before, still really confused, I headed on to Jennifer’s house.

No sooner had I knocked, the door flew open and she pulled me into the house into a hug, quickly letting go as soon as she felt how wet I still was from the run.

“Yuck! Let’s get you showered up, Mom had to run to work to check on some stuff and was going to bring lunch home. She said she didn’t want you to feel sorry for us and have to cook again.” She laughed as she pulled me up the stairs. When we got to her room she took my bag of clothes and handed me the robe again.

“Hey! I can just dress in the bathroom” I said and reached for my clothes.

Slapping my hand, she said, “I know you can, but I have something for you to put on that heat rash and bruises you had last night. I’ll set your clothes on the bed.

Not wanting to argue I just went and took a shower. Ugh I forgot all the perfumed soaps and stuff, I should have brought my own, I grumbled. When I finished and got back into her room I saw the clothes I had brought lying on the bed, with another set of clothes next to them. When I pointed at the other set she just shushed me and started applying a lotion to the red splotchy areas, except when she got to close to the more sensitive areas she just grinned and handed me the tube.

As I was finishing she said, “Look I’m not trying to force you to do anything you don’t want, but I did want you to have the option of wearing something that actually fit. Okay? Look I’ll go downstairs and you can decide Robbie, I’m not going to coerce you into anything. Just don’t lie to yourself okay.”

I just nodded at her, so she smiled and went downstairs leaving me with my choice. Not a problem so I started putting on my clothes. I was doing fine until It came time for me to bind, I didn’t see my bandages anywhere. Looking at the clothes she laid out I saw a bra, not just a sports bra either, lying there. Without any other options, I put it on, it took me a few minutes to figure it out, but eventually got it on. Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but all I saw was that girl again. She was wearing a really pretty bra which held her breasts nicely, but she was wearing these ridiculously baggy jeans that looked like were cinched 6 inches just to fit her waist. I just slumped down on the bed still staring at the mirror, not even noticing the tears forming in my eyes. I sat like this for several minutes when Jen came back in to check on me.

“Robbie what’s wrong?” She said as she sat next to me put her arm around me. I just turned and started whimpering on her shoulder.

“Jen I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I know that I’m a guy in here “pointing to my head, “So I started putting on my clothes then I saw my reflection and saw a girl in the mirror wearing my clothes and I started feeling so ridiculous!!” I say, trying to keep from going into a full-blown cry.

Kissing my forehead, she whispers “Robbie, Sweetie. I know you’re struggling with who you think you are, but we both know that physically you are a girl. There is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that fit you, you don’t have to wear skirts or dresses or anything like that. I’m going to go back downstairs okay, it’s just me and mom here today with you. Wear whatever you think feels most comfortable to you. With that she gave my shoulder another squeeze and headed downstairs.

Looking at the girl staring back at me in the mirror I just say, “Fine you win today!” Ripping off the jeans and boxers I start staring at the underwear and other clothes. As I pick up the panties I noticed they look brand new, not old ones like she gave me last night. Maybe she accidently gave me a new pair, but they fit like a glove. The shorts were the same ones from last night, but she included a belt this time so it didn’t hang on my hips as badly. The top wasn’t just a tee-shirt though, it had a lower neck with buttons like a collarless polo shirt. Once everything was on I looked at the mirror and there she was, I could see her taunting me. I just shook my head and then without another glance at the mirror headed downstairs.

I noticed Jen was already on the couch with our biology books and notes, she just smiled at me for a moment when she saw me coming down the stairs. Before I could even get seated she started peppering me with study questions. I knew she was trying to get me out of my own head so I just gave her a grateful smile and started our back and forth quizzes. This went on for about an hour and a half before her mom got home carrying several bags, a few of them Chinese takeout. I didn’t pay attention to the other ones since I was starving at this point. She carried the rest of the bags to the laundry room and started a load of laundry before she came back and started opening food boxes. During the meal I will say that both of them did an admirable job of keeping our conversations away from being about me. After lunch Jen and I went back to the living room while her Mom busied herself around the house.

“How are you doing? Seriously.” She asked.

“Honestly I don’t know. I have moments where everything is fine and I’m actually content, other times everything is bothering me.” I replied.

She smiles weakly, “You still don’t know how to see yourself do you?”

I sigh, “No I don’t, I mean I know what I want to be, but I know logically I’ll never be. I am female in every aspect other than my chromosomes. Knowing it and accepting it though, I don’t know how to. If I accept it I feel like, I’ll be letting everyone down. Even more than I already have.” My vision starts to blur yet again from tears forming.

“STOP IT!” She almost yells. Then more softly, “I promise you haven’t let anyone down, other than not letting them in. Not letting me in, that hurt Robbie. I understand why, but we’re making up for that now okay. None of this is your fault, you know. You didn’t choose this, it just happened. Once you start accepting that I think you will be able to move forward a lot easier.

“Does it really matter if I accept it or not, I mean who could accept me if I all of a sudden became a girl?” I saw her start to get really mad, and I quickly realized my blunder. I blurt out before she can respond, “SORRY I wasn’t thinking, I know you and your Mom do.”

She calmed down, “I think a lot more would accept you than you think.” Grinning evilly, she said, “You better be glad you caught yourself there, I was about to smack you!”

With that we both started laughing and our conversation drifted back to more normal things, she could tell I needed a change of topic. We continue the lighter conversation for another half an hour, before her Mom knocked as she was opening the door.

“Hey you two, you’re going to need to start wrapping this up. Jen remember we’re going to grandma’s this evening. I just wanted to give Robbie the things you asked me to pick up when I was out today.” Mrs. Cook said.

“What things?” I ask while looking suspiciously at Jen.

“Before you get all upset just check it out okay? I gave your measurements to Mom and also she had an idea to help you hide your boobs.” Looking up at her Mom, she also said” With all the excitement this weekend I forgot about spending tomorrow with grandma, and thank you Mom for doing this for Robbie.”

I was trying to be upset, but honestly the curiosity was getting the best of me. She pulled several plain looking jeans out of a hamper, and some sports bras, and a few shirts. Then she handed me this weird looking tank top made of some strong elastic type materiel.

“This is a compression vest, its used after surgery for a patient to wear to keep their wound from pulling apart. It’s snug and tight, but it’s better than those ace bandages. It should work and be a lot cooler and more comfortable. Jenifer told me about the rash and the bruises you had from them, if you don’t mind I’d like to check it out. I just want to make sure you haven’t done any serious damage okay.”

I just slowly nod knowing they’re just wanting to help. I strip off the shirt and bra and turn towards Mrs. Cook. She tried to not let her surprise show while she examined me, finally after a few minutes she just said, “They look healthy, the bruising doesn’t appear very deep, and the rash is almost gone too.” She smiles and hands me the weird looking tank top which I struggle for a minute to get on and another minute to get my breasts adjusted and semi comfortable.

“That actually looks pretty good.”, Jen smiles. “How does it feel?”

I shake my head, “Not too bad, better than the bandages”. Looking in the mirror I smile, I don’t see too much of the girl in the mirror. My boobs are pretty compressed but not painfully so. Mrs. Cook then hands me a few pairs of jeans for me to try on. Realizing that technically we all three are female, I sigh, then slide the shorts off and slip the jeans on. They are snug but fit really well. I look in the mirror and realize that they give my hips and behind a noticeably female shape, but with the compression shirt it’s not all that bad. I then grab my regular sweatshirt and put it on, I actually look pretty good I decide. Not quite as shapeless as I look with my baggy jeans, but wearing these honestly just feel a lot better.

“You really didn’t have to spend all that on me Mrs. Cook, I don’t know how I can repay you for all this.” I say with my voice starting to crack.

“Baby with all the help you’ve given Jen with her classes it’s the least we can do okay”, she whispers while she hugs me.

I toss all the stuff she gave me, including the package of new panties Jen handed me with a grin and my change of clothes I didn’t use and throw them all in my backpack. Once I regain my composure we say our goodbye and Jen walks me out to my Ghia, she gives me a hug and says, “Hey it’s just one step at a time okay, please just don’t stop taking steps.”

“I won’t stop trying, that’s all I can promise right now. I just want to know how you got so smart.” I tease her.

“Well I do have a pretty good study partner”, she giggled and kissed me on the cheek. “See you Monday morning. Everything is going to be okay. It might get rough at times but you’re not alone, and you will be okay. I have faith in you.”

Once I got home Mom and Pop were doing their own thing, and the rest of the night was pretty uneventful. I couldn’t get what Jen told me out of my mind about taking steps, I just don’t know if I’m ready for where those steps will lead to.

Sunday was spent mostly at church; Mom was in the choir so we stayed long after the service was over. I’m just glad that we moved to this one, the last church we were at made it sound like we would go to hell for forgetting to dot our I’s and cross our t’s. I got in a light run and some calisthenics afterwards, and spent the rest of the evening trying to prepare for school the next morning. Between what I blurted out Friday, what I did to the football players, and the scene in the lunchroom I was starting to get afraid. What was scaring me the most though, that invisible armor I have had for so long, my shield from the world was gone and I couldn’t make it form back up for the life of me. Tomorrow I was going to school and I was going to be more vulnerable than I have ever felt. I cried myself to sleep that night holding Wicket for all I was worth.
 
 
Chapter 5
 
Monday, October 5th 1987,
Starkville Mississippi.

Other than not having to spend 20-30 minutes binding my chest, my morning started out about as normal as any other school day. As I was getting dressed I decided to forego my baggy ill-fitting jeans for my new ones Mrs. Cook gave me, figured since I pretty much outed myself I should at least be comfortable. The vest did a good enough job compressing my breasts I opted for one of the polo shirts Mom bought me a few months ago, and not on of my baggy sweatshirts. As long as I didn’t tuck the shirt in, it hung loose enough it didn’t really show off my hips and waist. As it was, I was ready to go half an hour before my parents even started stirring at 6. That gives me almost 2 hours before it was my normal time to make my appearance, and since I was so sick of worrying about everything that might happen I headed to the kitchen to stay busy. When Pop walked in to get the normal breakfast started he found me about half way done with large spinach cheese and sausage omelet I was making for our breakfast.

Surprised he asked, “Not that I mind at all, but what’s the occasion?”

I shrugged,” I woke up earlier than planned and couldn’t go back to sleep so thought I’d treat y’all to breakfast for a change.” Besides I thought, scrambled eggs, sausage, and biscuits were getting really old every day, a girl… GUY, I mean a guy! Can only take so much. Where the hell did that come from? Am I starting to see myself as a girl now? I mean I know I am but… Ugh this is going to be a long day already.
Mentally berating myself I continued on with my omelet, and Pop seeming in a good mood for not having to cook, headed back to the bedroom. About the time I was finished and setting the plates out they both came back in the kitchen both of them were surprised and pleased at the same time.

Mom asked, “Are You doing pretty good this morning? It looks like you are, it’s really good to see.” She smiled softly.

“I guess so, I think Jen and I are ready to kick this test’s butt” I lied. Well I really didn’t lie, we had a test today but it wasn’t going to be the total ball crusher we had made it out to be. I had to stifle a laugh at that thought, ball crusher… I wish that was possible. Then as we ate I was thinking about my mood, I’ve been afraid all weekend of what was sure to happen today. Now I guess I was feeling more resigned than anything. Maybe I’ve just burned through all the fear I had in me, but whatever is going to happen today is going to happen, and I’m just ready to get it over with. We actually had one of the most pleasant meals we have had in a long time. As I was getting up to rinse my plate, Mom noticed my attire.

“Sweetie you’re looking pretty sharp today, where did you get those jeans? We can never find any that fit like that.” Mom said.

I thought well yeah!! We’ve been shopping in the wrong section. “Jen’s Mom was actually getting ready to get rid of a bunch of jeans and she said I could have them if they fit. I just got lucky.” I lied yet again. I hate lying to them so much, but I can’t bear to tell them the truth. I hug them goodbye, and head off to my trusty old VW to face my fate.

I honestly had no clue what I was expecting, but when you prepare for the absolute worst possible things to happen and they don’t, it really throws you a curve ball. I was so focused on glancing at people’s faces expecting to see some kind of hateful stare or a look of disgust or anything like that. No, I received a few smiles and nods from people, I was so lost in trying to figure out what the hell was going on I almost ran right into the two Chris’. Startled, I was about to jump back, but they both crossed to the other side of the hall in a hurry and kept on their way. I was so confused and trying to figure out what was going on, I was in my seat in biology for a minute before I noticed Jen talking to me. “Huh? What did you say?”

She laughed, “I said, Hi there sexy. I like your outfit. What’s got you all out of sorts?”

I whispered,” I’m trying to figure out why people are smiling and stuff, the Chris’ all but ran from me a minute ago. I was expecting to be lynched when I got here after what I blurted out in health Friday.

She laughed, “After word got out that you took Perk down with your thumb and sat David on his ass in a matter of seconds, nobody remembers anything about health class. You know, I never knew my best friend was such a bad ass! Those guys have been taking a lot of kidding about that.”

“Oh crap, I’ve got to make that right. I need to apologize to them and hope they don’t kill me” I mutter.
“Robbie those two are pretty mad, are you crazy? Just let it die down first okay.”

“I can’t let it die down, I need to do it today before it gets blown even more out of proportion. It’s just the right thing to do.” I sigh.
She just gently smiled at me and then the teacher started. I guess all the studying paid off, Jen and I were the only two to ace the test that morning.

The rest of the day continued in pretty much the same way. The bullies that usually stalk me were avoiding me, people who usually ignored me kept speaking and nodding at me in passing. It was weird to say the least. I noticed something else, before today I never really participated in class. My shield that I thought was protecting me was actually isolating me, today I found myself raising my hand a few times in class to my teachers and classmates surprise.

I sat at my normal table in the corner for lunch and within minutes Jen just plopped right on down across for me. “Jen I appreciate you sitting here, but I figured you’d be sitting with Alicia and the crew today.

She looked sternly at me, “Hey! I can sit with whatever friends I want!”

“Hey I know that, just stop. I just didn’t want you to commit social suicide hanging with me in school is all. I know I’m your friend, I just also know I’m not your only friend.” I gently fussed back at her.

She relaxed a bit and smiled at me and then giggled, “Robbie I know that, and I appreciate that you’re worried about my social standing. I wanted you to know that I talked to David and Perk in my earlier classes and told them what you were intending to do, they thought it was crazy of you but a cool kind of crazy. I just didn’t want them to hurt you okay. Oh, and remember you’re a bad ass now, so you’re not hurting my social standing.” She laughed.

I shook my head laughing and said, “Well thank god for that at least.”

With that she got up to head back to her girlfriends, she giggled and told me, “Oh I just wanted to let you know, with your new outfit Alicia thinks you’re pretty cute.”

I groan and drop my head to the table, great that’s just want I need now. I finish up lunch and the rest of the day pretty much goes the same way. I did finally catch up to Perk and David after class and properly apologized.

“Yeah Jen told us you wanted to do this, she also said that you had been dealing with a bunch of stuff and was having a really bad day. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say they were sorry for kicking my ass before.” Perk joked.

David laughed and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone put you on your ass like that, even on the field.”

Perk glared at him, “Well, look who’s talking I remember you going down pretty quick too.

David shrugged, “Hell I get hit harder than that in practice.

“True. “Perk said laughing at David, then more seriously he asked me, “You alright now dude?”

“Yeah I think I am, I will have to see but it looks like things are improving, again I’m so sorry for what I did the other day.”

He slapped me on the back HARD, the big dude has no clue of his strength, “It’s cool, besides I don’t want to be upset at the guy that helps me in class. Coach will bench me if I drop below a C, oh unless you want to be forced into football tryouts I’d keep a distance from the coach. He heard how quick you ran through us two.” Him and David actually laughed.

I shook my head and said, “Yeah that ain’t going to happen?”

The rest of the evening was even more uneventful, I got home, finished homework, even ate dinner with my parents and even watched some TV with Mom. I could tell they were pleasantly surprised that I didn’t just hold up in my room, but didn’t say anything. Maybe they were afraid they would jinx it, I wouldn’t blame them honestly.

As I was lying in bed that night thinking about the day, I actually felt relieved. Maybe my life is finally looking up and I hope I can ride this wave for whatever it is worth. I dared think that I actually felt happy that the day worked out like it did, I didn’t even see the girl in my reflection today. As I was drifting to sleep I was totally at peace without a worry in the world. If I had of only known that it was just the calm before the storm.
The rest of the week people kept treating me the same, I became more participative in class. I was actually feeling good about the way things were starting to go. Jen and I didn’t hang out but a couple of nights that week, she didn’t even attempt to get me to change into anything else at her house. Things were going great, I even thought I was finished with seeing that girl in the mirror. Except I wasn’t. Late Tuesday evening, I started getting glimpses of her when I looked in the mirror but I could blink a few times and she would disappear. Wednesday, I couldn’t make her disappear though, and I saw her EVERY time I looked in the mirror. By Thursday every time I passed a mirror I’d see her, I’d even see her in a window reflection out of the corner of my eye. At this point I was getting really distracted, I felt like she was starting to haunt me. Jen even commented on it and was worried. Then by Thursday night she invaded my dreams.

---

I have dreams all the time, I know that, but I never can remember anything about them, no matter how bad or good they are. This dream was so vivid though, I know I will remember it for the rest of my life. She appeared while I was having a dream about something else, I really don’t remember what it was about but whatever it was about just faded when she appeared. She was wearing this light flowery print dress that showed a small amount of cleavage and the hem was just above her knees and flapping in the breeze. Her hair was still short but just a bit longer than mine is currently, and I think she had a tiny bit of makeup on. She was stunning.

“Robbie we need to talk.” She said. Or I think she said it, but I don’t remember seeing her mouth move out of the sad smile she had.
“I don’t want to talk to you! Why won’t you leave me alone!” I demanded.

“Robbie you have been fighting me for so long, but now you’ve finally seen me. I can’t go away, I won’t. You know that we’re one and the same, quit hiding me, us, from the world. Quit being ashamed of what we are.”

“No we aren’t the same, we can’t be,” I start to cry. “If we’re the same than you know the shame our parents have of us. If you are me, then you know the looks of pain they have and how much it hurts me to know that I’ve caused it, because of YOU!!” I was getting frantic.

She looked pained and responded, “Robbie you misunderstand so much…”

I interrupt her screaming, “NO!!! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!”

---

I woke up in a full-blown panic, and just laid there crying and shaking from the intensity of the dream as it overwhelmed me. I finally looked at my alarm clock, it was 3:15 in the morning. Needless to say, I didn’t go back to sleep.

When I got to my first-class Jen immediately was alarmed at my appearance. I was back to the super baggy clothes and I’m sure my eyes were bloodshot between the lack of sleep and crying I’ve been doing.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, hesitantly touching my arm.

“I really didn’t sleep good at all, I only got about 4 hours of sleep is all. I’ll be okay.” I weakly smile at her. I wasn’t ready to fill her in on the dream and everything else, I was trying to make sense of it myself.

“Why are you wearing those things again? I thought you were over that stuff.”, She asked me suspiciously.

“Jen look, I just didn’t get to do laundry last night, the other jeans are all dirty is all. I’ll be fine once I get some more sleep okay.”, I all but begged her so she would stop before she asked questions I don’t think I could answer at the moment.

The rest of the day I was pretty sullen and kept making the excuse to people that I just didn’t sleep well. It was the truth, just not all of it. At the end of the day Jen was trying to get me to come over, but I declined telling her I just wanted to get caught up on my sleep. That evening I stayed in my room, I just didn’t want to face anyone else after school. I think mom knocked on my door every hour on the dot, asking if I was okay.

As I was getting ready for bed I was staring intently at my mirror, I was wearing the sleep shirt even though I had been determined not to, and my hair I noticed was getting longer than I had ever let it get before. She was just silently staring back at me while I was examining her, it was like we were both studying each other looking for a weakness. When I finally laid down I was determined that tomorrow first thing I was headed to the barber shop to get this mop cut, and then I was going to drop the sleepshirts and jeans off at Jen’s. That would have to help make this girl stop haunting me, I have to get rid of her before she gets an even stronger foothold. With those thoughts, I finally fell into a fitful sleep.

---

When I came to, or so I thought, I was surrounded by this fog, I couldn’t see anything but myself and this odd haze. I was looking around trying to figure out what was going on and where I was when I heard her. The voice seemed to come from all directions.

“You need to see something, it will be hard for you, but you still need to see it anyway. It will help you decide if it will be worth it to keep struggling like you have.

I know at this point it’s a dream so I start shouting and yelling and jumping around hoping it would wake me up.
“That won’t work Robbie, you have to see what I am about to show you.”

I start yelling at her, “There is nothing that you can show me that will help me, you are trying to ruin my life!! Just leave me ALONE!!”
“No dear Robbie, I am only trying to help you.” She says as she materialized of the fog. She’s wearing the same flowery dress, but this time her dark blonde hair was past her shoulders. She was beautiful but she looked very sad.

“This will be hard for you to see, but you have to see this. You have to understand it; it will make accepting our condition so much easier for you.” She said as she motioned to the side, where the fog seemed to open up.

As I looked through the opening in the fog I saw my school and as the view started zooming in I saw this guy that I didn’t recognize. He was hanging out with a few of the football crowd, Perk being one of them. Looking closer he wasn’t quite as tall, but looked just as muscular as the big lineman. As the scene got even closer I could hear their conversation they were having and laughing about.

“Dude are you ever going to learn that you’re never going to get into Jennifer’s pants?” Perk told the other jock.

“Hey it’s just a matter of time before she gives in to this,” He says flexing his arm. “She’ll give in. They all do.”

I bristle listing to them talking about Jen like that and yell at the vision, “She would never go out with you, asshole!! She has better self-respect than that!!”

“Robbie they can’t hear you or see you” Her voice states.

Frustrated I just keep watching, I don’t know who this ass is but I’ll never let him get close to Jen. They keep talking as they walk through the courtyard they were in.

“So you getting off the bench this next game?” Perk asks him.

“Yeah I finally got that D that dyke coach gave me up to a C, I’m good for this Friday’s game against West Point.”, The guy says laughing. I’m just getting angrier and angrier. A moment later I see the big guy smile at Perk, and then step to the side to run into Brent, a friend and another nerd like me, knocking him down. “Hey watch where you’re going four-eyes!” The guy then yells at the much smaller Brent.

“Why the hell are you showing me this!”, I yell at the voice since she’s disappeared again.

“Robbie I am just showing you what might have come to pass.” The voice said. Even more confused I keep watching, trying to place the guy in case I ever do see him, I’ll kill him before I let him near my friends.

I look back at the vision and the guys have just entered the lunch room and are making a beeline to Jen and Alicia’s table, I am getting even more livid. Then the gorilla speaks to Jen.

“Hey sweet cheeks, you and me are going out after we decimate the Green Wave Friday night, there’s going to be a killer party out in the Johnsons barn.”

Jen just rolls her eyes and looks like she’s trying to ignore him. All the other girls are looking uncomfortable, hell even Perk is looking a bit bothered at his friend’s comments.

“Hey why don’t you answer me and quit being a stuck-up bitch”, the guy almost yells at Jen. Every muscle in my body is tensed up, I feel like I am about to explode I am so angry. The next thing I hear hits me in the gut taking all the wind and fight right out of me.

Jen does yell at him with tears in her eyes, “You are the most selfish, brainless oaf in this school I would never go out with you if you were the last person alive asshole!” She starts to turn on the guy grabs her arm and starts turning her to face him and she slaps the hell out of him, “GO TO HELL ROB!!”

The scene completely disappears at that point and I’m still alone stunned, I yell out “What the hell did you just show me!!”

“Robbie, you just saw what would have happened had we not been together in this life.” The voice said as it sounded like it was drifting further away.

“WHAT?!?! That wasn’t me! I would have never been like that!! You’re lying!! I’m not like that!!” I yell to the fog.

Barely perceptible in the distance I hear the voice say, “I know. You aren’t like that, but you would have been.” Then the dream faded.

---

I woke up suddenly and my body was shaking so bad from my sobbing it hurt. I lay there curled up with my stuffed Wicket and cried for what seemed like forever. There is no way I would ever have been like that; it was just a dream. A really vivid and intense dream but still just a dream, I kept trying to convince myself. It really didn’t feel like a dream though, everything felt so real. After lying there for a bit longer I realize I have to get up to pee. I quickly head to the bathroom and do my business, as I’m washing my hands I see my reflection. There the girl is, hair all messed up wearing that sleepshirt that hugs all of her curves. I stare at her for a few minutes and I feel all that rage and anger from the dream start building back up and then I scream at her. “YOU”RE LYING!! I NEVER WOULD HAVE BECOME THAT WAY!!!” and hit the mirror, thankfully not hard enough to break it or my hand but still pretty hard. I storm off to the kitchen to get something to drink, my throat is raw from all the crying I’ve been doing.

I poured a glass of milk, and was watching the squirrels play in the back yard trying to distract myself from everything that had happened. Then I heard Mom’s voice.

“Robbie are you okay? You woke us up when we heard you yell…Oh my GOD!!!”, She started to say. The surprise evident in her voice though when she saw me in that sleepshirt, after all I had started binding since they started going their major growth spurt. She had never seen just how big they have gotten, or just how curvy my body had become. The sleepshirt was form fitting and left nothing hidden.
“Mom!! Oh, crap, I’m so sorry you saw me like this, I wasn’t thinking!” I blurted out as I tried to pass her and return to my room. She stopped me and embraced me, which got me to crying again. She just held me as I cried and I kept trying to get words out. No matter how bad it will hurt her I decide I’ve got to tell her, everything.

“Mom”, I sniff. “There is so much I need to tell you.” I start to step back so I can look at her when I hear my Step-Dad.
“Just what in the Sam blazes is all this about!!” He stays sternly, the Colonial coming out in him. He was after all a Colonial in the Army Reserves, and “he” comes out every now and then when he gets upset. That just put me immediately on edge, as if I wasn’t before, just worse.

“What the?!” He stammers when he gets a good look at me, clearly shocked. He immediately looks away from me. I start to feel ashamed that they are both seeing me, but it quickly gets converted to the anger I already had built up from my dream.

“Honey just wait,” Mom tells him “we have a lot to talk about it seems. Just calm down and we can discuss it rationally okay.”

Still not looking directly at me, he starts off, “Well yeah we do it seems, it’s just that. Um don’t you think he should change into something more presentable?”

Furious I blurt out, “What is wrong with what I’m wearing! It’s just a sleepshirt! What’s wrong with it? Is it because it’s a girl’s sleepshirt and you don’t think your SON should be wearing it!”

Completely caught off guard with my outburst, he stammers for a second then says, “Umm yeah, but…”

I totally interrupt him yelling, “Fine then if you don’t think your son should wear this!” I rip my sleepshirt off and just stand there defiantly only wearing my panties. My breasts, a full C according to Jen, proudly displayed for all to see. They are both completely silent, shock clearly written all over their faces. Softly I add, “I’m not your son anymore, and I haven’t been in a long time.”

After a split second I realized what I had just done and started crying all over again, taking advantage of their shock I ran past them to my room and locked the door. Less than a minute later Mom knocks on the door. “Robbie, baby, please open the door. Please baby I need to talk to you. C’mon and open the door.” She begs.

“Leave me alone”, I cry. “I can’t talk to you right now!”

“Just calm down sweetie, it will be okay. Look when you’re ready I’ll be in the living room. Please come talk to me.” The tears were evident in her voice as well.

I heard her walk away from my door crying. Sitting there thinking about what I had just done, the anger I had pent up started morphing back into shame. I had just flashed my parents after yelling at them, how am I supposed to face them now if ever. There isn’t a way possible that they aren’t going to hate me. At that moment, I decided that I have got to get out of here. I grabbed my biking shorts that I normally wear when working out in my room, slip on a sports bra and one of the t-shirts that Jens mom gave me, slip on my running shoes and throw all the extra stuff in my backpack. As quietly as I could I slid open my window and snuck out, looking around the corner of the house I saw my Ghia and made a dash for it. As I was pulling out they both came running outside waving their hands. I quickly just dropped him into 1st gear and took off, with no clue where I was headed other than away.
 
 
Chapter 6
 
I wish I could say I had a destination or even that I drove around for hours trying to work things out. Starkville just wasn’t that big, after 40 minutes I had circled the town 3 times and crossed it maybe 4 and was no better off than when I started. I had so much energy running through me, I’m not saying I was energetic but the stress, anxiety, shame, and anger was fueling my emotions and thoughts. They were all over the place, and I only could think of one way to burn off that energy and maybe think. Due to the clothes, I was wearing I couldn’t go to my regular tracks or paths, as most of the people that used them knew me and my car, it was that unique. Hell, just about the entire town knew my car and whose it was, considering my Step-Dad, Mom, Step-sister, one of my Brother-in-laws, and myself have been driving this thing around here since 1980.

What had persuaded me to grab the clothes I had on? Tight black biker shorts and a light blue women’s tee-shirt felt like a second skin, I’m even wearing a sports bra and not the compression vest. I kept trying to tell myself that it was just the first things I could grab but that didn’t feel right. I felt that in my panic that my subconscious was in the driver’s seat and that’s what it wanted to wear. At least that’s what I was trying not to think at least. I knew a place where I could park where I could leave the Ghia on the college campus unnoticed, there were also enough students at the college that no one would recognize me running and I’ll just blend in.

When I parked the little Ghia at Eckie’s pond on campus I was lucky there wasn’t anyone I knew there, but I still hopped out of the car and got some distance just in case. As I started my run I tried to just focus on my breathing, the wind, and also not getting run over was a big one. I think I was somewhere in the middle of my second mile when I had cleared my head enough to start thinking a bit more clearly. First I have to tackle the dreams, and the girl that had been taunting me in the mirror. I knew it was my subconscious messing with me, after all with everything else I was dealing with the thought of an imaginary girl possessing me just wasn’t a thought I could entertain.

Since it can’t be a ghost girl, I just can’t handle any more complications, it has to be my subconscious. I started trying to remember the first time I saw her in the mirror, and it hit me that it was when I told Jen about me. My fuzzy mirror syndrome didn’t kick in and I saw me, all of me. Fuzzy mirror syndrome is something I coined what I did to cope as my changes first started appearing, I could focus on one part but everything else would be blurry. Seeing that girl and then that whole evening with Jen was nice, it was one of the first pleasant moments in my life that I’ve had since everything started. I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a long time. Could that be why I keep seeing her? I found a small moment of peace and my subconscious is wanting that to continue. I checked my time and see I’m approaching somewhere close to my 4th mile.

Okay dreams are the same type of thing, maybe they were created for the same reason. What I saw in the last dream though, why would it make something up like that. Could I really have turned out to be that animal? I started pulling everything I could remember from Biology and Health class and everything else I’ve read about hormones. Testosterone, I remember, is evolutions way of helping the perpetuation of the species. It is responsible for aggression, the need to procreate, the higher chances of taking risks, typically the more testosterone one has the more of a need to be an alpha male. I started picturing that guy I would supposedly have been, he was strong, aggressive, and seemed to have sex on the brain. Could that have overridden who I thought I really was? Then I remembered that currently I have a higher than normal estrogen level for a girl my age, if I had fully been male would I have had an excess of testosterone? If all that testosterone was unchecked, I realized it could have been very possible. It was a chilling thought, checking my time again I noted I should be in the middle of my 6th mile.

I then started to think what estrogen was typically responsible for, more nurturing and caring behavior, better communication skills were just a few I could think of not counting the breasts that were currently trying to escape from the bra. I starting thinking about my friendship with Jen and realize that we really had become closer friends because of our long talks, mutual consideration of each other among the big things. She never actually liked or hung around any other boys when we were younger, said they were annoying. I then realized that even if I hadn’t of turned into that mindless bully that Jen and I probably wouldn’t have become the friends that we were. I would have just been one of those annoying boys. I started to feel tears forming and it was strange, I was no longer that upset. Why was I starting to cry, I mean it wasn’t a strong boo hoo type of cry? I was thankful for my friendship and closeness with her. I couldn’t bring myself to say they were tears of joy, but I definitely wasn’t sad or upset. Checking my time, I should be finishing up with my 8th mile so I headed to my car. There is something I need to see and I can only think of one person right now who could help me see it.

About 45 minutes later I pull up and park at Jen’s house, I barely make it half way to the door when her and her Mom come rushing out to grab me in a fierce hug.

“Oh my God Robbie we were so worried about you,” Jen blurted out as she and Mrs. Cook tried to squeeze all the air from me.

“I’m okay, what is going on? Why would you be worried?” I said trying to get my breath back.

“Robbie, your Mom called us just a few minutes after you left this morning. She told us what happened. That was close to 4 hours ago sweetie, we’ve been thinking the worst.” Mrs. Cook said to me softly.

“Oh… I didn’t know what to do and I panicked”, I said softly. The memory of this morning came back to me, and what I did to upset them. Then I took off like I did, just causing more problems. “They’re going to be so mad at me, I’m such an idiot!” The tears falling in full force by this time.

Jen still hugging me, told me softly, “You need to call her to let her know you’re safe.”

“I don’t know what to say to her, she’s going to be so angry with me. I keep disappointing them.” I manage to get out between sobs.

“Baby lets come inside okay, I’ll give her a call and you can talk when ready. When I get off the phone with her you can tell us why you came here and didn’t go home.” Mrs. Cook said to me gently. I just nod my head and we went inside.

When we walk in her Mom makes a beeline to their phone in the kitchen and Jen and I head to the living room. On the way to the couch, she grabs a box of Kleenex and we proceed to sit down with her right next to me. With both of us still teary eyed she hands me a few and grabs a couple for her and we start wiping our eyes.

With a small laugh, she tells me, “Girl you have got to quit causing all of these crying sessions, I don’t want to be all dried up by the time I get married.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, both of us then broke out in laughter.

“Thank you I needed that”, I told her still slightly giggling and a few tears still falling. I gently reached out and gave her hand a small squeeze.
“You don’t have to thank me for that, that’s what best friends are for”, She says then suddenly her eyes open really wide. “Robbie I just realized what I said, I didn’t mean to call you a girl. I’m sorry!”

“Shh Jen it’s okay, I’ve pretty much accepted that fact. It’s okay.” I whisper. “I don’t mind it, I mean it’s still kind of weird actually hearing it, but I really don’t mind.”

“Really?” She asks. When I just nod, she leans over and gives me a big hug. “I’m so glad you have; I’ve been praying really hard the past few days that you could. I mean, um, I just thought that until you did you were going to be stuck in that weird limbo you’ve been in.” We sit there on the couch in that totally soul cleansing hug until her Mom walked in a minute or two later and sits down.

“Okay Robbie you are going to have to talk to her soon, she’s so relieved you’re safe, but she’s going to need to hear from you in the next hour or so.” Mrs. Cook tells me. “So can you tell us why you came here and didn’t go home?”

“I’m still scared to face my parents after this morning, strike that I’m terrified. I was so angry and so upset, I don’t know if they can ever forgive me for what I did.” I say my voice starting to crack.

“Sweetie, when she called she told us you had a major incident, but she was trying not to say too much. I ended up telling her that we knew everything, about what had happened at school and then here later.” Seeing the surprised on my face at that she quickly added, “Don’t worry she wasn’t upset at you for telling us, she was actually thankful that you had let us in. That you had someone that you were comfortable to open up to. That’s the only reason she isn’t coming over right now, since you feel comfortable enough with us she hoped you would talk to us. So, baby, why did you come here.” Mrs. Cook told me gently.

For the next hour, I told them about the girl in the mirror and how she had been haunting me, even how she appeared in my dreams. I then told them about the guy I supposedly would have been and then my thoughts I that I had had on my run this morning. Once I finished I just looked at them expectantly, after a few moments Jen finally smiled and spoke.

“Robbie, I can’t imagine that you could have ever been a guy like that. I mean I understand your logic behind the possibility. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the more that I have thought about it I realized something. In all these years of being my friend I never once ever thought of you as a guy.” As I started to say something she continued, “Wait let me finish okay. I am meaning that all the other boys were so rambunctious and they were always trying to “prove” themselves by acting tough and bossy. You were never like that, you actually talked to me and not at me like the other boys. You cared about what I wanted to do and you’d talk with me about anything. Now I’ve noticed other things, you call your car him, every other guy I know refers to his car as her. You’ve always liked to do nice things for other people, not to be recognized but just to do them. When you cooked for us the other night was one of those times.” She paused smiling for a few moments before continuing. “You know, I’ve never had a really close girlfriend, I mean I have girlfriends, but not a really close one that I can share everything with. With this past week though I started to realize that I already had one though, in you.”

Mrs. Cook was smiling really proudly at her daughter, then she turned to me and asked, “Robbie I get the feeling that you came here for more than just to tell us all this. Is there something else that you’d need us to help you with?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath to steel my resolve, I say, “This may sound really strange, probably because it is. I’ve been fighting so hard to be perceived and look like a boy, now that I’ve mostly accepted the fact that I’m not, I need to see something. Seeing the girl in my dreams, I know that girl is supposed to be me but imagining it in a dream is one thing… I need to physically see it… If that makes sense.”

“You want us to help you be a girl?” Her mom asks. I just nod my head. Her and Jen share a knowing look with each other, then her Mom smiles at me and says, “I think we can help you with that sweetie.”

Jen asks, “You want just a dress and makeup or do you want the whole package?”

“Jen If you can, I need to see myself 100% female, as if I’ve been living as a girl my whole life.” I say softly.

Jen gives me a warm smile and tells me, “Well not much we can do about your hair, but I think we can do the rest. We need to get started though.” She stands up and holds out her hand to me, I take it and she helps pull me off the couch and we then head up to her room.
When we there she turns to me and asks, “I just want you to be 100% sure of this okay.”

“Jen I’m not 100% sure of anything, other than I have to see this. Remember your talk about taking steps? This is a step I know I’ll have to eventually make, I want to get it out of the way now. I have to do this.” I tell her, not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself.

She tells me to strip out of everything but my panties and to sit down in her chair at her vanity. She then grabs a pair of tweezers and starts putting those two caterpillars over my eyes on a quick diet. I’m trying to keep my eyes closed while she works, trying not to think about what is happening. I mean I’m ready for this, but not fully ready. As she’s working on the second brow I open my eyes just a bit and see her face of concentration and break out in a fit of giggles.

“What’s so funny?” she demands.

Still laughing I tell her, “You looked so intense and the face you made was just too much.” I wrinkle my forehead, stick the tip of my tongue out the corner of my mouth, and cross my eyes just a bit.

“I don’t look like that”, She exclaims and gives me a slap on the arm, but at the same time she starts laughing again. Once we both recover she orders me to close my eyes and let her finish. Several minutes she is done and after she looks back and forth at each one to make sure they were even she steps back and gets this surprised look. “Oh wow!”, is all she says.

“What? How bad is it?”, I ask worried.

“Robbie… oh wow, I never thought that would make that much of a difference. It’s made you look…”, She pauses and turns me to look at the mirror in her vanity.

“Oh…” The look of surprise on the girl’s face looking back startles me. As I look closer and see how my brows are shaped it’s made my eye’s look more open, and almost changed the whole shape of my face. I knew I never looked masculine, androgynous at best, but with those thin feminine eyebrows I am having a hard time seeing anything of the old me in the mirror. Sighing I just say, “Well it’s too late to stop now, what’s next?”

She just smiles and hands me the robe, “C’mon next stop is in the bathroom.” She then waits for me to put on the robe and grabs my hand and leads me across the hall. After she closes the door she pulls the robe off and starts inspecting my legs and arms. “Ok I haven’t paid that much attention, I’m jealous now. The hair on your legs is light and blonde, also your armpits aren’t that bad. Here use this on your legs, and you’ll need to shave your armpits.” She then hands me a bottle of Nair, and a new pink razor out from the cabinet. After reading the instructions on the bottle I start applying it on my legs and as we wait she starts instructing me on what bottles to use in the shower and where. She stays in the bathroom and keeps shouting directions while I shower and shave. Upon getting out she shows me the proper way to dry off, and with my legs smooth they were so sensitive I appreciated the lesson. After we finished drying me she handed me a bottle of lotion and just said, “Everywhere pretty much.”

After putting the robe back on she leads me back to her bedroom and plops me right down at her vanity, facing me away from both her mirrors, “You don’t see anything until we’re done okay?” I just nod and let her get to work. While she starts applying my makeup she tells me what each item is and how you use it. I do my best to listen, but I started getting a bit scared just how far we are going with this. When she finally gets done she steps back and appraises her handiwork she smiles and says, “You are going to end up in trouble.”

“Jen let me see!”, I try to demand, but as nervous as I am it comes out barely above a whisper.

She shakes her head, “Not until we’re done remember.” With that she hands me a bra and panties which I put on and then she pulls this dress out of her closet and I almost start to hyperventilate. It looks like the same dress the girl was wearing in the dream. Concerned she asks, “Robbie what’s wrong?”

Taking a few deep breaths, I finally ask, “Jen where did you get that dress… It’s the one from my dream. Have I seen you wear it before or something?”

She covered her hand over her mouth and gasped, “No you haven’t, are you sure?” I just nod. “Robbie… Mom bought this dress earlier this week. It was supposed to be a surprise. “

“Surprise for what?” I stammer.

More softly Jen tells me, “Robbie with the steps you had made over the past week Mom and I thought that this day was coming and we wanted to be prepared. We just didn’t think it would be this soon.

Confused I asked, “You bought it for me? You prepared for this?” I started getting upset until she stopped me with a touch on my arm and gentle smile.

“Robbie all we have been doing is try to help you, I promise you that. Neither of us have tried to push any of this on you. We got this outfit for you because we wanted this moment when it happened to be as perfect as possible. If that is the dress you dreamed about, maybe it’s a sign from above telling you that it’s okay.” Grabbing a Kleenex, she started dabbing the tears that were forming and started to fuss, “Stop that before you ruin my masterpiece!” I couldn’t help but get tickled at that. When we quit giggling, she helped me into the dress and zipped it up, it felt like it was giving my body a soft hug wherever it touched me. “Wow that looks amazing on you.”

“Can I see now?” I ask impatiently.

“Not yet, here sit back down. Next most important part of the outfit. Shoes!” She giggles and grabs a shoebox. “Hope these fit, I tried on your sneakers and checked out their size figured you should be a 9 ½. Wish us luck.” With that she slid the heels on my feet. Thankfully they weren’t really high or with a really skinny heel. “These are only 2 ½ inch heels and shouldn’t be too hard to walk in, I’ll give you some pointers though.” She gently grabbed both hands and pulled me to my feet. I was a little bit wobbly for a few minutes as she walked me around. After a few minutes, I felt safe enough to walk without her holding my hand, I knew I wasn’t going to be running a marathon in them or anything but I thought I could manage.

“Ok ready for the big reveal?” I nodded still really nervous. She softly messed up my hair some, or so I thought, moving it in different directions. “At least you let your hair grow past that almost buzz cut you’ve had.” Then she turned me to face the mirror.

I don’t think there are enough words to describe just how stunned and in awe I was when I saw my reflection. I stepped closer to the mirror to get a better look, and try to see if I could find anything left of me. My long smooth runner’s legs in those heels looked amazing, the dress stopped a few inches above my knees and it flared out just a bit. As I looked further up I noticed the dress started fitting snug just above my hips and hugged my body the rest of the way up. The top part of the dress was low cut, not enough to be trashy, but just enough to be slightly sexy, and the straps left my arms bare which just added to the whole look. Then I started to examine my face, trying to figure out just how she had accomplished this. The way she did my eyes and with the thin brows it made my blue eyes just stand out and they demanded to be stared at. The only thing I saw that was out of the ordinary was my shorter hair, but even then, the haphazard way she styled it looked kind of like the way a few girls at school wear theirs.

I had no idea how long I just stared and admired the girl in the mirror, then it totally clicked, that girl was me. I was finally drawn out of my trance when I felt Jen move behind me and start putting her arms over my head. She dropped what looked like a locket around my neck and fastened it. “I thought this was appropriate, and I hope you like it.” As I looked in the mirror it rested right where my cleavage started, it was half of a heart with a jagged edge where the middle should be and the words Best etched in it.

“It looks like half a heart, where is the other part?” I asked.

Slowly she pulls her necklace out of her shirt and it’s a perfect match to what I’m wearing but etched in hers is the word Friends. I immediately get choked up and just grab her in a hug and whisper, “Forever and ever.” She just squeezes me back just as hard and we stay that way for a while before she finally breaks the hug and steps back.

“God those shoes make you so tall!! I feel the need to wear my heels so I don’t feel like a munchkin next to you.” She giggles and that sets us both off laughing. Then she asks, “You ready to show Mom? I think she will be really pleased.” I nod and after she fixes our our makeup, we head downstairs, I’m having to hold onto the railing just so I don’t fall and break my neck.

I’m not going to lie, once I got to the bottom of the stairs wearing those heels I felt like I had just accomplished something like scaling Everest. As we got to the living room Mrs. Cook came out of the kitchen and gave me this huge smile.

“Baby you look absolutely stunning! How are you feeling?” She asks me as she comes up to give me a hug.

“I think I’m doing pretty good, it’s all so… so… overwhelming? I think that’s the best word for what I’m feeling. I don’t know how I can ever thank you both enough for this.” I whisper to her feeling my eyes start to water up yet again.

“Robbie, you just did. Look you’ve been a friend of Jen’s for so long you are part of this family too. I’m just glad we could help.” She says looking like she’s about to cry as well.

Then I hear a very familiar voice coming from the kitchen, “Robbie? Oh my god! You are beautiful!!”

Turning towards the kitchen I see my Mom, and she has both of her hands holding over her mouth in surprise. Immediately panic hits me and I start to turn to flee up the stairs and Jen and her Mom both grab me to stop me. I cry, “Please let me go!!”

Mom immediately takes that chance to rush to me and envelop me in a hug, “Sweetie it’s okay, please don’t run away from me again. Please!!” She sobbed.

“Mom I’m so sorry I never meant for any of this to happen”, I manage to get out between sobs.

“It’s not your fault, why are you apologizing?”, She asked.

“Mom… You wanted me to be a boy, and I’ve tried so hard to be the son you wanted!! It’s been killing me hiding this from you, please don’t be upset with me anymore.” I beg her.

“Upset? Why do you think we’re upset? Baby we’ve been scared for you.” She pulls back some so she could look up into my tear streaked eyes.

“Mom!! I remember when you both got the results of my tests… I saw how ashamed you were…”, I sobbed and couldn’t look in her eyes.
“Baby we were never ashamed of you, EVER!!” she blurted out. “We were scared. We were afraid FOR you. We couldn’t imagine how you would handle this, and we didn’t know what we could do to help. None of the therapists around here wanted to try to give us any help, they had never dealt with anything like this before. We just tried to be there and let you find your way, but you never let us know how much you had changed. We didn’t know and I’m so so sorry baby. We just didn’t know what to do.”

“You mean all this time… All this time you weren’t ashamed? Or upset? Oh my god Mom I’m so sorry. I didn’t know” I say.

“I’m sorry you thought we were upset with you, or even worse ashamed. I’m so sorry for failing you!!” She says while shaking from her own cry.
It hit me at that point. My mom and Step-dad weren’t ashamed or angry with me, all the shame I had felt I had heaped on myself. My inability to open up with my own mother had caused me so much pain and in my depression, I had been hurting others indirectly. I look down at my mother, and through my tears I smile at her and tell her, “Mom you haven’t failed me… You’re here…” She immediately closed in for another long hug, we just sat there and cried, no longer a sad cry, on each other’s shoulders. Well her on my shoulders and me on the top of her head.
As we started to stop crying I look up at Jen and her mom, Mrs. Cook had her arm around Jen’s shoulders and it looks like they’ve both been crying as well.

I look directly at Jen and silently mouth the words, Now it’s perfect.

 
 
To Be Continued...
 

Continuation of Robbie's story, as friends, family, and maybe even fate
continue him on his path of discovering who he, or she, really is.
Robbie’s Revelation
Chapters 7 - 9

---

Author's Note: Thank you everyone that is following my story, the feedback is greatly appreciated. I have 12 chapters completed, I am compiling them here 3 chapters at a time until I get caught up to where I am writing currently. Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoy Robbie's Story. ~Rebecca

---

 
 
Chapter 7
 
It took Jen a second to realized what I had mouthed, once she did both her and her mom came over and joined in our hug. Once everyone had finally stopped their sniffles we all ended up sitting down on the couch, not sure if they thought I was going to run again but I was sandwiched on the couch between Mom and Jen with each of them holding onto one of my hands.

"So what do we do now? I mean have you thought how you're going to break this to everyone, are you just going to show up at school...." Jen starts asking. I can see it in her eyes she's got tons of questions that she is about to blurt out all at once.

"Hang on wait a second!" I blurt out trying to derail her train of thought. "Look I'm still coming to terms with this, I'm not ready to shout out on the rooftops, hey look at me I'm a girl now!" I take a few moments to think how best to say this before I finally speak again. "While I accept I am a girl, I'm still not comfortable with it fully. It's weird, on one hand I'm totally okay sitting here with y'all like this and on the second I'm absolutely terrified of someone else seeing me. I'm just not ready for that yet. I can't thank you enough for helping me this far, today was just me having to see, um, me I guess. Or at least the me that I'm going to be eventually. I'm sorry..." My voice drops off as my emotions start getting the best of me yet again.

"Stop apologizing baby," Mom tells me holding my hand with one of hers and starts wiping the tears from my eyes with the other. "None of us here can imagine what you're going through, what you've been through, we can try but honestly we have no idea. Just know that I love you, we love you," She looks at Jen and her mom, both nodding silently. "Baby however long it takes for you to make that next step is okay, just know that you're going to have to eventually take it. We will all be here to help you when you do."

"Mom, what about Pop? How's he taking this? Since he's not here with you," I say stopping because I'm afraid of what the answer is.

"Sweetie, he's struggling. The thought of losing your masculinity frightens him, as it would any man. Just know that he's afraid for you, he's not ashamed of you. You also know how he hates to admit he's afraid. He's also worried about letting your Dad down, you know he's always tried to do right by Robert for you."

I just nodded my head, still a bit worried though. I know that Pop really respected my Dad, ever since they met in the Army when they were both deployed in the Korean War. They had become really close friends, and after my Dad was discharged and Pop got released from active duty they remained close friends. Pop and his first wife were actually in Dad's congregation after he got ordained. Both my parents and Pop's family remained close, it's one of the reasons Pop and my Mom got married. Dad passed away only 8 months after Pop's wife passed after years of health problems. He and my Mom already had a close friendship, and after both funerals they just sort of connected. Thinking about that close friendship they had, I could understand now a lot of the things that Pop has done from me. It was almost like he was keeping a promise.

Finally, Jen spoke up breaking the silence that had gotten uncomfortable, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you're going to be going to school as Robbie for a bit longer we're going to have to figure out how to hide your eyebrows. Sorry girlfriend there is no way you could pass as a guy with those."

"O crap! O crap!" I blurted out. Panicking I stood up and started pacing, I remembered my first reaction when I saw my face after she had thinned my brows. "I never even thought about that! What are we going to do?" I was about to have a full blown panic attack when Jen stood up and turned me to face her.

"Calm down, we'll figure something out okay!" She sat there examining my face for a minute and I could see the light flash in her eyes, she had an idea. "So do you still have those glasses you wore before you got contacts?"

Remembering them I made a face. "Ugh yeah, I hate those things! They made me look like a reject from a Buddy Holly convention!"

"I was just thinking those frames are thick enough to all but completely hide your eyebrows," she said smiling.

"Ugh no way Jen! You know Pop gets them from the eye place on base since he can "save" some money there. There is a reason they are called BC glasses; you know Birth control glasses," I say still making a face.

Smirking she tries to lighten the mood, and failingly says, "Well since you started several months ago it wouldn't hurt for you to have a bit of birth control," Mine and my Mom's eyes both widen when she said that.

"What!" Mom started to say.

"We will talk about this later this evening, please Mom," I beg. "One crisis at a time is all I can handle."

Jen realizing that Mom had no clue just how much I had truly hidden from them, "I'm sorry I didn't know... You didn't tell anyone? Oh my god Robbie I had no idea you were dealing with that by yourself also," She reached up to hug me, I could see Mom sitting on the couch upset. I decided that this weekend we were going to have a long talk and I'm going to have to tell them everything so these kinds of surprises don't happen again.

"Jen it's okay, we just haven't had the chance to talk about everything. "I give Mom an apologetic look hoping she can tell how sorry I am yet again.

Jen pulls back and says, "Robbie I know you hate those glasses, but they will hide your eyebrows. It will also have another advantage; it will make you look even more different than when you do finally show the real you to the world. Think of it just like a disguise, you know like Clark Kent?" She looks at me hopefully.

"Well yeah, I can see your point but geez Jen I really hate wearing them. Besides Clark Kent was disguising himself from being recognized as superman not from...." I say motioning to the rest of my body.

"You mean Super girl!" Jen says trying to resist giggling.

"Um, well... Um YEAH!" I blurt out trying to stand defiantly. Then I noticed the look of amusement on everyone's face I looked down at how I was standing. Both of my hands were in fists resting on my hips standing there in that dress and heels I looked like I was modeling for a Super girl movie poster. "Oh crap..." is all I said and the room burst out in laughter, after a minute I couldn't help but join in.

So for the rest of the afternoon we just planned, all 4 of us. Due to the time it will take to get the legal and medical documentation to change my birth certificate, and all the other associated things we had decided I would finish out my sophomore year as Robbie, or at least try to. By the end of the summer I should be able to legally and mentally accept my transition before I start my junior year. I know we will have to adjust the plan as everything progresses but at least we had a plan. I was strangely terrified and excited at the same time.

We continued on until early evening, and even with the bizarre conversation I kept getting this strange feeling. It is hard to describe but I could tell that Jen and our moms were treating me differently I couldn't place just how at first. I finally figured it out though, I was no longer a boy in their eyes. They were treating me just like Jen, as a teenage girl. That should have frightened me, but I had been so afraid for so long of being accepted it made me smile softly. I know they had promised to stick with me and that they accepted me, but in the end those were just words. Those unspoken and unconscious actions toward me gave me a sense of peace, enough that I knew that I could do this.

Before we left I changed back into my running gear, thankfully Mrs. Cook had washed it, so we could go home. As I came back down from changing both Mom and Mrs. Cook just smiled. Mrs. Cook then just told me that when I finally was ready to show the world, that she hoped that everyone was ready for me because I was going to blow them away. After a round of hugs and goodbyes Mom and I headed home, me following her in my little rag tag Ghia.

I wish I could say when I got home that it was all hugs and rainbows with my Step-Dad and I, it wasn't but that's okay. Our relationship had never been like that anyway, we talked for a bit and I explained everything to both him and Mom. He seemed to be very analytical about everything, he was after all a chemist by trade and only part time a Colonial in the Army. The only thing he really lectured me about was running away this morning, telling me that running from my problems never worked. It wasn't perfect, but he, I mean we, were trying. That's all I could ask from anyone.

Later that night I was lying in bed thinking about everything when Mom knocked and came in to my room. Gently she sat on the side of my bed, bent down and kissed me on the forehead. She hadn't done this in a long time and it was all I could do to keep from crying happy tears. We sat there for several minutes before she finally spoke.

"I need to tell you something and I think you need to know this." I nodded at her, unsure of what she was about to say. "You didn't know this, but when I was carrying you everyone thought you were going to be a girl. Your grandmother said she just knew it by how I was carrying you, the OBG-YN with his ultrasound, even I just knew you were going to be a girl. We were so surprised when you were born, we had prepared for a daughter and now we had a son. I wanted you to know I love you just as much as a daughter as I ever loved you as a son. Maybe even more so, with everything you have had to overcome. I'm glad you're my daughter baby, always remember that okay."

I just sat up and hugged her. "Mom I am so sorry for making you all worry so much and that I wish I had let you know everything from the start. I love you so much Mom," We sat there and both of us let a few tears flow with her rocking me, finally I had to know so I asked her, "I've been trying to think of a name for when I can't really keep being Robbie anymore. Since you had planned for a girl, what were you going to name me?"

She smiled saying, "We were going to name you after your Dad's Mom, Rebecca," While she had died when I was just a baby I had no memory of her other than stories Dad had told. They were good stories though so I just smiled.

"I like that." I paused for a minute contemplating everything before I continued. "I'm not ready for that right now, but when I am could that be my name?"

"Of course baby." She smiled softly. "You know Robert would be so proud of you, I know he's looking down and smiling," I could only hope he was, I missed my Dad so much. We sat there for a few minutes just lost in the moment, finally she tucked me in like I was six years old again, kissed me on the cheek and said, "Good night and sweet dreams my sweet girl."

When she had closed my door and I finally drifted off to sleep smiling, I'm glad to say I did.

The next day we ended up not going to church, which was odd but Mom had already made plans for the day. She ended up letting me sleep in till 9, she had checked in on me earlier and saw I was sleeping peacefully, which she knew didn't happen often so she let me sleep. She had asked me to help her cook breakfast when she did wake me, saying that omelet I had made the other morning was incredible. So we both cooked and all three of us had a nice, if late, breakfast. While eating she told me her plans for the day, I ended up being just a bit apprehensive of the whole idea but understood why. We were going shopping!! Oh joy...

Truthfully it wasn't that bad, she had only wanted to get me some clothes that actually fit to add what Mrs. Cook had already gotten me, jeans mostly. She had me follow her around and we picked out jeans that were plain and she even had us go around to the guys dressing rooms so I could try them on there. Even though I was really nervous most of the day I enjoyed our bonding. She did catch me looking at some of the really pretty dresses off and on, which I had to explain I was only curious what it would look like on me. It's not like I was wanting to go get all made up and decked out, I had just seen how I could look and the curiosity was starting to get the best of me. Overall though we had a really great day. We ended up picking up some Chinese takeout for supper and had a quiet evening in just the three of us.

Monday morning, I actually was able to sleep in an extra 45 minutes which was strange, but not having to bind and worry about hiding from my parents it was pretty nice to save that time. I still was ready much earlier than what used to be my norm, maybe I can get in an extra 30 minutes of sleep tomorrow. Instead of hiding in my room I actually went out and spent some time with Pop while I helped him with breakfast and talked some. The conversation didn't touch on the subject of me much, but it was at least pleasant. After a nice breakfast with both of them I even left for school early, what was the world coming to.

Arriving at school I was a mix of emotions, I mean I have hated coming to school for so many years for obvious reasons, then the incident two Fridays ago and then the last week was almost pleasant. Then this past weekend's self-discovery or self-acceptance had left me excited and nervous, the rest of my sophomore year isn't going to be boring at all I had a feeling. I had even beaten Jen to class so when she walked in and saw me already in my seat I started laughing when I caught her looking at her watch.

"You running late or something?" I teased her.

"Not hardly, it looks like someone is running awfully earlier than normal. "She told me giving me a mock glare," By the way, the glasses are working great, they are hiding those sexy eyes pretty well," she teased me, getting even for the late comment. I just rolled my eyes and we kept it to small talk until class started. Once Biology was over Jen stopped me for a second. "Hey at lunch come sit at my normal table okay."

"Umm why? Don't you think the other girls might have a problem with that?" I ask.

"Just trust me Robbie, you are my friend and they are my friends also. I really think y'all will hit it off great, they just need to get to know you. Besides when everything happens, you're going to need more than just me as a friend. Just give it a shot okay." She smiled and took off to her next class.

The next three classes went by like normal, well the new normal for me at least. It seems that it had gotten around that I had apologized to Perk and David after our run in and we were all on good terms now. Several people told me that that took a lot of class for me to do and in just over a week my social standing had gone from depressed super nerd, to bad ass super nerd, to now a smart and generally good guy who can be a bad ass. Life is weird, but its high school go figure.

Following Jen's orders, I found myself sitting with her and five of her girlfriends at lunch. Alicia, whom I had already known since I'd moved here in second grade, Michelle, Karen, Robin, and Holly. Alicia had slid down a seat when I got there so I could sit next to Jen with Alicia on my other side. At first the conversation was kind of subdued, I think the girls were trying to just get a feel for me but Jen and Alicia kept pulling me into the conversation. While it was still a bit awkward, it certainly beat sitting alone in my corner table. As we did get up to leave at the end of lunch Alicia did ask if I would sit with them again tomorrow. While Michelle and Robin were still being a bit standoffish, Karen and Holly agreed that I should, so I smiled and said okay.

The rest of the day was as normal as the new normal could be. I was able to get in a good run and workout in after school and made it back home when my parents did. We had a nice quiet night, other than both Mom and Pop had started looking into and telling me what all is going to have to be done to bring Rebecca officially to life. There was so much to do, I just hoped we could finalize it before I started 11th grade.

That's pretty much how my week went, generally people were being nicer to me as a whole and even the bullies were still leaving me alone. While I still saw the girl in the mirror, I no longer felt as if she was haunting me. I have realized that that girl is me now, even behind the thick framed glasses and compression vest she's there. I just keep thinking and trying to tell her, a few more months and you won't be stuck hiding anymore. I also continued sitting at the "girls" table at lunch and was actually becoming decent friends with Karen and Holly, Michelle and Robin though still didn't seem too enthused that I was there every day. Then Jen had a plan on Thursday.

"Hey I have an idea, since we all pretty much have the same classes why don't all of you come over to my house tomorrow and join Robbie and I on our normal study evening. With all of us there we could get help in any of the areas we might be struggling in. What do you all think?" Jen asked.

Several of the girls were immediately interested, they knew that due to our regular study sessions Jen and I were among the top of our class. Michelle and Robin were a bit more hesitant but finally agreed it couldn't hurt, they each needed help in subjects Jen and I excelled at.

"Ok so it's a date!" Jen said excitedly. "If any of you want to, we can make it a sleepover too; my Mom will be cool with it." Most of the girls were excited at that idea.

Robin glared at me and said, "My mom won't let me do a sleepover if there is a guy there!"

"Hey trust me the last thing I'm going to do is sleep over, I'm just there to study. I promise when we're done I'll be headed home," I told her.

That sort of calmed her down and everyone was actually excited and started to plan for the sleepover. Michelle asked, "Hey think we could order some pizzas and rent some movies to watch after we finish studying?" Most of the table was pretty enthusiastic about that idea, although it was Alicia that noticed the face I had made.

"What's that face for? Do you not like pizza?" she asked me slightly surprised.

"No I love pizza, it's just that with only Dominoes and Pizza Hut here to order from all you can get is cardboard with toppings!" I say still making a face. Almost everyone at the table looked at me like I had just grown a second head. Then Jen started laughing.

"Let me guess you make your own pizza too?" Jen teased me.

"Well yeah, duh!" I respond, sticking my tongue out at her.

Alicia looked surprised. "Wait a minute you can cook?" I just nodded, and noticed everyone just staring at me.

"Oh crap! I wasn't supposed to let y'all know that," I said hanging my head down in mock shame. Everyone was quiet and looking confused.

After a few moments Robin asked quietly, "Why did you not want us to know that?"

Slowly I looked up and started smirking. "This past week I've been sitting here, all I've been trying to do is to make y'all not think I was weird or anything."

Most of the table started giggling at that except Robin, she just sat there looking dead at me before she shook her head and started to grin, "Well we all knew you were weird, but I guess that's okay."

It didn't take but just a few moments after that before everyone started asking what all kind of pizzas I could make and what they all wanted on theirs so I ended up grabbing a piece of paper out of my backpack writing down orders. Right before lunch was over, Jen took the list from me and told me she would ask her mom to get all the stuff needed for the pizzas. She then leaned in and whispered, "You did good there with Robin, I told you they just needed to get to know you." She then kissed me on the cheek, smiled, and took off to her next class.

While I was gathering my stuff to head out, Alicia put her hand on my arm and quickly said smiling, "I actually think it's pretty cool that you can cook," She then winked at me and turned and headed out the lunchroom. I sat there for a moment longer and sighed thinking, yup this is definitely not going to be a boring year.

When school ended on Friday Jen rode home with me, after making a quick stop at my house to pick up any extra notes I had and a few items I forgot to mention to Jen for the pizzas, we headed on to her house. We had about an hour and a half till the girls were going to get there which left me plenty of time to get the dough started so it could do its thing and be ready for later. She noticed I had been messing with my shirt, after the first dozen or so times she started looking worried.

"What's wrong Robbie?" she asked.

"It's just that this past week I've been losing the vest right after school and honestly I've gotten kind of used to my boobs not being so confined. They're just really uncomfortable right now is all," I say still tugging at the vest trying to position my breasts a bit better so they would be more comfortable.

She comes up giving me a hug saying, "I wish you didn't have to confine them, I understand why you need to for right now... Do you think you'll be able to make it through the rest of the year?"

"Honestly I don't know," I say trailing off into silence.

Nothing else said we finished up the dough, hopefully we made enough for six pies. On top of all the girls wanting different stuff on their pizza Jen's mom said due to the cost of materials it was going to cost me an extra pizza for her and Mr. Cook, since they were also losing the kitchen and living room for the night.

By 6:00PM all the girls had arrived and we immediately started studying, Jen and I trying to help everyone else in the subjects they were struggling in. Even though I had finished Algebra II last year I spent most of the time helping Alicia with her math. At 7:15 the timer dinged letting me know the dough and yeast had finished doing its thing so I broke off to start prepping the pies. Since Jen and the others were busy stuck in their little groups Alicia followed me into the kitchen to give me a hand. That's what she said at least, she let me do most of the work and just handed me things when I needed them. With the Cook's oven I could only bake three at a time so once the first three were in the oven I started prepping the next three. Alicia got a little more into it on the last batch, but as we worked I noticed that we had slipped into that sort of easy conversation that I've always been able to have with Jen. It wasn't the same as it was with Jen, somehow it was different but it was still pretty cool. I definitely had the feeling that we were becoming pretty good friends by the time the last pizzas came out of the oven.

Once the pies were all done we retreated back to the living room after everyone had stocked up on pizza and drinks. Jen's parents grabbed their pizza and headed back to their bedroom so they could stay out of our way. Alicia sat right next to me on the couch and someone started a movie while we ate. A little after 9PM they paused the movie and they were like sorry but its late and its officially the sleep over and no boys allowed. I actually found myself upset about that, even though I had never really wanted to ever go to a sleep over before. A small part of me wanted to tell them everything just so I could stay and not feel left out all of a sudden, I had been so alone in my self-imposed exile from people I found I was craving the contact now. Sadly, I started gathering up my stuff, each of the girls came up and gave me a hug and thanking me profusely for the pies, even Michelle and Robin.

"You know I'm actually mad at you now," Robin told me frowning. Confused, I looked around trying to figure out what I did and she continues. "You've ruined all the pizza places in town for me, I'll never be able to enjoy them very much ever again," She looks at me seriously, then she forms a small smile and simply says. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'm glad everyone enjoyed it," I told everyone. "Just remember to tip your wait staff next time!" I had to duck a few pillows thrown at me in laughter. I headed to the door with Jen and Alicia right behind us.

Jen hugs me at the door and whispers in my ear, "You were awesome tonight, I wish you didn't have to go though."

"Me either but we both know I can't just yet," I whisper back to her. "I never would have thought I would want to stay at a sleep over before"

She laughs and playfully slaps my arm. "Now get! No boys allowed," I could see though her eyes weren't laughing, I knew just how bad she wishes I could stay as well. Then she notices Alicia right there standing with us.

Alicia said while smiling, "I was just going to walk Robbie out, I wanted to ask him something."

"Okay, just don't stay out there long the movie won't wait for you," Jen told her, but I could see some worry on her face as she looked back at me.

Once outside Alicia stops me and tells me, "Robbie I just wanted to say thank you for the help with my Algebra, and also letting me help on the pizzas. I really had a lot of fun tonight."

I smiled at her, "You are more than welcome, I had fun too."

"I was wondering... umm... I have an Algebra test next Tuesday, do you think you could come over and help me study for it Monday night?" She asked hopefully.

"Yeah sure, you were doing your problems really well tonight, but yeah I wouldn't mind at all." I smile.

Alicia doesn't quite jump for joy, but she does jump up and gives me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek and says, "You are awesome!! Thank you so much" Letting me go, she gives me a small wink and flashes her incredible smile at me. "See you Monday at school."

"Definitely," I tell her. "I'm looking forward to it," I was genuinely smiling happily as I turned to walk to my car. I was thinking how great tonight had turned out, I have cemented my friendships with the girls and it looks like Alicia and I were becoming really great friends as well. Had I not been so blinded to everything around me for the last few years I might have been able to see what was really going on around me. Unfortunately, I walked to my car whistling happily, completely oblivious to the curve ball I was about to be tossed.
 
 
Chapter 8
 
Leaving Jen's house my good mood left quickly, I started to think how it made me feel to have to leave. I was starting to feel like I was becoming part of something spending time with the girls, but just as quickly I was reminded I was still an outsider. I might always be an outsider once everyone knows. My mood just kept falling and by the time I walked in the door, Mom immediately noticed something was wrong. I guess it was true how everyone tells me just how expressive my face is.

"Sweetie what's wrong?" she asked pretty concerned. After all that has come out the past few weeks, I've noticed her keeping a much closer eye on me and my moods. I told her to let me get out of my compression vest first and I'll be right back. A few minutes later I come back into the living room dressed in one of my sleep shirts that Jen had given me, it was a dark purple color and came down to just above my knees. I sat down on the couch tucking my legs up under me, which my mom noticed and I caught her smiling.

"What are you grinning at?" I asked. With her, there was no way of knowing exactly what to suspect.

"Just the way you are sitting, at times it looks like you've always been a girl is all. Maybe its just the imagination of an old woman. Who knows? Seriously what was bothering you when you came in?" She asked

I shrugged, "Tonight was really fun, even studying with the Jen and all the girls. Even with them putting me to work cooking, I enjoyed spending time with them and when I was told to go since it was "officially" the sleep over and no boys were allowed, I really, really didn't want to leave. A very large part of me wanted to blurt out the truth, just so I could stay with them. I know it wouldn't be that easy... I wish it was though."

"How do you think the other girls will respond when you do decide to tell them?" she asked.

"Honestly I don't know... I mean I hope they would accept me as easily as Jen, I guess that's her point in having me try to become close friends with them. I understand that... It's just so hard right now... Moments like now there is a a part of me that wishes I could just go back to the way I was a few week ago." I start whimpering.

Getting up and coming to sit next to me on the couch she says, "No baby I don't think you mean that. Just look how far you've come in just a few weeks." She puts her arms around me in a hug.

"But then at least I wouldn't be hurting like this," I say as I lean into her shoulder crying.

"I know it feels that way now sweetie, but you were hurting so much worse before. You just couldn't see it, those that love you could though.," She whispers and she holds me while I let my frustrations out. We sit like that for a while until she tucks me in bed. She simply said as she was closing my door, "This too shall pass, I promise."

I got up early the next morning so I could go on my normal Saturday morning run before the "event" Jen and our moms had planned for the day. I spent at least twenty minutes just staring into the mirror comparing my reflection to a picture of me from a year ago. I was trying to see what had changed, other than my eyebrows. I was having a hard time seeing the boy I thought I had been, even in the older picture. Finally, I finished getting ready and headed out, borrowing Mom's car. We had decided that since my run on campus the other day, it would be good for me to keep running there where people wouldn't be likely to recognize me. I was having more and more of an aversion to my compression vest and honestly I was preferring to keep my breasts in a sports bra than smashed down... My car, the Ghia, while a cool little car, it was the only one like it I've seen since we've lived here. Mom's white Taurus though was a dime a dozen and if she didn't need it I would take it for my runs. I quickly found that I enjoyed running around campus than my normal tracks, since I didn't have to try to keep my Robbie disguise up. It was strange that the person that I thought I had always been was starting to feel like that, simply a disguise.

I had a good run though, I found that I had quit pushing myself so hard and my runs were becoming more and more enjoyable... The thought that I have had to push myself so hard so I could "punish" my body for its betrayal wasn't quite there as much anymore. The only thing that was new I was having to deal with was the guys that would see me and try to keep up so they could "chat" with the short haired girl with the hot body. The first time it had happened it had freaked me out a lot, I was so panicked I just took off in a full sprint and left the guy in my dust. So far its happened several times during each run, and I got less and less surprised and realized I could make it a game. I've heard just what guys actually say behind women's backs having grown up on that side of the gender divide so I thought maybe I could get a little revenge for my new gender. Today was going to be no different as this really muscular guy was trying fairly hard to gain on me. I didn't realize it at first, but I actually slowed my stride just a tiny bit to make it easier for him to catch up. Like I said, this has become almost a game to me. I knew what I looked like, and I knew that guys were going to respond, so why not make it into a game. It made sense to me at the time at least.

"Hey what's the hurry there sweetheart? Are you new around campus? I haven't seen you running around here before," the new guy asks, slightly winded already, when he catches up with me finally.

"No, I'm not new," I say flashing him a quick smile, "I'm from Starkville I just started running on campus though. The scenery is much better than the tracks I've been running on." I knew what I meant, but he didn't obviously. He grinned and tried to puff up his chest a bit showing off. I adjusted my stride to get about 5 more paces a minute, he adjusted to keep up but it was minor enough I don't think he noticed.

"I'm a senior here in engineering, name's Bill." He smiled at me and tried to stick his hand out to shake mine, it was kinda creepy and goofy at the same time. I just looked at his hand and giggled.

Since I couldn't tell him my legal name at the moment I say, "Rebecca, and I'm just a lowly sophomore." I step it up a few more paces a minute, smiling at him. He was a big guy and I know he was already struggling to keep the pace, but I just wanted to see how far he would push himself. I was trying to keep from laughing, but couldn't hide my amusement which I'm pretty sure he mistook my smiling at him.

Really starting to sound winded he pants out, "Rebecca you didn't tell me what you're majoring in?"

"I know I didn't." I barely get out; I'm getting so tickled.

"Hey why don't we meet up later tonight, maybe have some drinks and dinner?" He barely gets out between his heavy panting. He's also starting to slow down; I knew all that mass couldn't keep up for long.

I spin around and run backwards for a second and say giggling, "Maybe when I told you I was a sophomore I should have elaborated, in High School." He stops, looking stunned and trying to catch his breath. "Bye, Bye Bill, it was nice running with you." I spun around and didn't look back. That was just too damned easy.

When I pulled in the carport I saw Mrs. Cook's car, crap they got here earlier than expected. Walking in the door I immediately started getting fussed at by three women at once, still tickled from my experience on the run this morning I couldn't help but laugh when I said I would rush in the shower. Fifteen minutes later I was drying off in the shower and in my room and had barely got my panties on when Jen burst into my room.

"Was you run that fun this morning?" She asked trying to figure out why I was still amused. I told her the quick version of the game I have started playing on my runs. "So you're having that much fun flirting with guys?"

Stunned at that last question I stammer out, "But, but... I'm not flirting, it's just a game! They are going to try to hit on me no matter what, I thought instead of running from them like they were an axe murderer like I did that first guy; that I should try to "play the part" you know. It's just a game..." I drift off starting to wonder. Am I flirting? That's what the guys think, I know.

"Rebecca!" She all but shouts pulling me out of my thoughts. "There you are I called you Robbie three or four times with no response. Hmm, well whatever you are doing just promise me that you will be careful. Some guys might have a hard time taking no for an answer."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. "Not much they could do about it, so for the meatheads that have tried could barely keep pace for ¾ of a mile and I was taking it slow. They couldn't catch me if they wanted to."

"Well maybe not, but just be careful." With that she started handing me an outfit. "Remember the deal for today, you are and will be Rebecca so you can start trying to act and respond like a girl would. That means you will dress and act the part.," she grins evilly.

"Yes mother," I sarcastically reply. I am not looking forward to this, I'm regretting that I agreed to today. Our plan is to take "Rebecca" shopping for most of the day, including dinner before we come back home. Since we couldn't do it here without someone probably recognizing me with Mom, we are headed to The Galleria in Birmingham. It's almost a threehour drive so that's why we were planning to leave at around 10AM. Resigned I put on the capris, with the sleeveless top cut just low enough to show off some cleavage and my locket. After another twenty-five minutes of Jen putting makeup on me we are loaded up in her Mom's car and headed out almost an hour and a half earlier than I had expected. It's going to be a long day.

The drive was actually fun; I'm glad Mrs. Cook is driving her car and not Mom. Look, I love my Mom to death but there is only so much I can take of the Rogers and Hammerstein's musicals she has on cassettes and will eventually wear out. We laugh and joke most of the trip, my first public outing, outside of my exercising, occurs in Tuscaloosa where we make a pit stop. Some guy close to our age comes up and starts trying to talk to me while we were in line to get our drinks. My first reaction was to run away; Jen wouldn't let me. I don't even remember to this day if I gave him an intelligent response I was so horrified. The rest of the trip was spent with all three of them trying to get me out of the funk that encounter put me in.

When we finally got to the mall, I was in a bit better mood and I had resigned myself to play this just like the same game I played when running. I could do this. Another purpose to this trip was to get me fully fitted for some bras and not just wear ones we "guessed" would be a decent fit. At first I was horrified, but then the curiosity I had felt shopping with mom for jeans last week had started to pique up. Then I started to at least not have a horrible time, then we broke for lunch at the food court. Jen wanted to sit by ourselves away from our moms, I thought so we could have a private conversation, which was partly true. What she didn't let me know though, was that there were two guys that had been talking with her while I was stuck in the fitting rooms. While her and I were talking about how the day had gone so far, these two guys show up asking if they could sit with us. Before I could do anything from the surprise though she agreed, the taller of the two sitting next to me and smiling profusely.

"Hi I'm Trey," he says smiling and reaching out to shake my hand. Stunned I can barely say my name and letting him taking my hand in his. "Hi Rebecca, it's a pleasure to meet you. Hope you don't mind but we were talking to Jen earlier and she said to meet y'all here."

Glaring at Jen I said, "That was really nice of her, wish she would have let me know." Starting to get over my shock I remembered it's just a game, the guys are playing their own game anyway. "Sorry Trey, you two just caught me off guard is all. So, what are you guys doing out at the mall today." I flash the best most amazing smile I could at him, one I'd actually started practiced it in the mirror before going on my runs. I could see that for a second my turnabout surprised him, but he recovered quickly. The way Jen was looking at me, she was having a harder time recovering than Trey. I couldn't help but giggle at her, silly Trey thought I was giggling at a lame joke he told. I actually realized that I was sort of having fun, I mean I wasn't the least bit interested in either of the two guys but it was fun interacting with them.

The rest of the lunch went along well, after Jen got over the shock of my sudden change in personality she started having fun too. Occasionally I would notice her give me an odd look over something I said or did, finally our Moms came to our rescue and we had to go back to shopping. We said our goodbyes to the boys and they quickly handed us their numbers on a napkin, I just giggled and stuck it in my purse when we walked away. Jen whispered to me that we have to talk when we get home.

Rest of the afternoon actually went pretty well overall, I got several outfits I can wear when I'm ready for a Rebecca outing, and we even had a nice dinner at Red Lobster in Tuscaloosa on our way home. I almost felt sorry for our poor server, I had forgotten to quit playing the "game" so to speak. Of course, I really enjoyed all the looks of surprise I kept getting from both our Mom's and Jen. It was too late for Jen to have a talk with me when we finally got home, she promised to come over tomorrow after church though.

Mom came in to tuck me in after I was able to get all my makeup off of me, I started thinking I'm too old for her to be doing this but honestly I didn't mind. I had missed this closeness we had had from before and wasn't ready for her to stop doing it..

"I'm proud of you for today. As the day progressed you started opening up and honey it was amazing to watch you start to blossom.," She smiled, while she wasn't crying I could see how her eyes were glistening though that she wasn't far from it.

"Mom, I won't lie. I was scared to death at first, then I started treating it like a game. I was trying to see just how much like a girl I could act, I was mostly starting it to mess with those two boys...," I trailed off thinking for a minute. "Then towards the end of the day I was having a hard time turning the act off. Thank you for talking me into today, it was a really good day. I love you Mom." I finished while I hugged her.

"Baby I'm starting to think that just maybe it wasn't an act at all... Guess we will have to see how things keep going okay. Sweet dreams baby girl, I love you too." She left and turned off the lights and before I knew it I was out like a light.

The next morning, I got up with every intention of going to church, but after my shower and starting to get dressed I got to the point of putting the vest on and I started to get really depressed. Mom came in to check on me and found me sitting on my bed sobbing. I had my jeans on and was holding the vest, I just couldn't bring myself to put in on.

"Baby what's wrong?" she immediately sat down trying to console me.

"Mom..." I managed between sobs. "I just can't do it this morning. I don't want to wear this thing." I all but shouted and threw the damned thing across my room. Which only caused me to start up my tears in full force.

"Baby... I don't know what to tell you, I'm willing to give taking Rebecca to church a chance if you want to," she says carefully.

That totally surprised me, I started to look up at her hopefully but then I realized the problems it would cause if we did that before we were all ready. "Thank you for that, but no. Can I just stay at home today? Please! I need to work on getting my mind back in the right place for school tomorrow, it's just too early to do that just yet." I told her, not wanting to believe my own words but I was trying to.

After church Jen caught a ride home with my parents and they found me out in the back yard working on the Ghia. My window regulators had finally come in so I was installing them so I could finally retire those vise grips I had to use to roll my windows down back to the tool box. I had already finished my passenger side and was working on the drivers when Jen came out back.

"Hey how are you doing? Your Mom told me what happened this morning, I was just a bit worried when I didn't see you with them at church." She asked sitting down in the passenger seat.

I think I'm doing okay, well better than I was this morning. Maybe coming out here doing something manly is helping," I joked.

She laughed telling me, "Sorry to disappoint you but with those boobs sticking out of that tank top you are going to be hard pressed to do anything remotely manly."

Joining her in her laughter, I responded, "That is probably a true statement, but that's why I brought this thing back here so no one would see me. This morning was just really hard after what all happened yesterday." She just nodded.

I proceeded to tell her what I had told mom, about how the act started feeling too normal. We talked about yesterday and everything that had happened while I finished putting my door back together. We talked for several hours until her mom showed up to pick her up. We hugged and I told her I'd see her in Biology tomorrow, well then I corrected myself. Robbie will see her there.

Later that evening while we were eating dinner, Pop cleared his throat and told me, "Rob... I mean Rebecca." He started to smile at me. "I'm guessing that we need to revisit the deal with that car."

"Huh what do you mean?" I said surprised.

"Well now that you've started, to well, umm.... Be who you are." I could tell he was having a hard time getting it out but he continued, "I was thinking that maybe we could see about getting you a newer car and finally get rid of the Ghia.

For a second I was excited, I mean a new car. Well new to me at least. "Really!!" I said excitedly, but just as quickly I started to think about the history of that old VW. My look of excitement completely disappeared. I mean that old car has been in the family longer that I have been, I mean my Dad had bought it right before they found out I was on the way. He had gotten it for next to nothing due to it had already been wrecked. By the time he had gotten it drivable I was almost ready to start walking. I vaguely remember "helping" him when he worked on it handing him tools and stuff like that. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

Seeing my downcast face Pop said, "What's wrong? I thought you would be happy with something different."

"Pop, thank you for the offer, but I can't get rid of it. It was Dad's." That's all I could get out.

Nodding in realization he told me, "I understand, but instead of you doing all the work maybe we can start taking it somewhere to get it fixed up."

"I'd rather not, could we just keep the agreement we had. I like working on it, I'm good at it. Besides I feel closer to Dad when I'm tinkering on it." I said softly, wiping some tears that had formed.

He sadly smiled, "You know you are so much like him, even with, umm, everything you've been going through. I see him in you all the time. I understand why you want to keep the agreement the way it is, but I will have to change it some. If you can get all the prep work done on it by summer I'll pay to have it painted for you before you, and I mean the real you, goes back for your junior year."

Excitedly I jumped out of my seat, "Really!!!" That would be awesome!!" Before thinking about how we weren't exactly into expressing emotions with each other, I leaned in and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Pop, I'll get it ready. I promise" I could feel my new tears running down my cheeks.

"I know you will honey. I do know one thing. Robert would be so proud of you," he told me softly while I hugged him. "Because I know just how proud I am." Then he kissed me on the cheek and Mom came over and joined in the family hug.

Later that night I was lying in bed after being tucked in by Mom and Pop this time and all I could think of was how lucky I was. Not that I became a girl, but for the people who I had who were close to me. I'd never have made it this far without them. To keep from letting them down and disrupting all the plans we've made I do have to do one thing. Tomorrow is Monday and I, well Robbie, has to go to school. It's time for me to get my game face on.
 
 
Chapter 9
 
I ended up not sleeping very well and therefore I was up earlier than planned, that suited me just fine though. It gave me plenty of time to accomplish what I needed, so I could prepare for the day as Robbie. It was still hard getting myself to put on the vest, but our plan, not mine, counted on me holding my end of it of it up. This was necessary until we got all the legalities out of the way. Looking in the mirror after I got dressed I could still see me, even behind the glasses and polo shirt. I guess though that old adage that people see what they expect to see holds true, I was expecting to see Rebecca now and not Robbie. Now I just hope it holds true for everyone at school. My hair, which was still kind of short for a girl, was starting to look just a bit shaggy for "old me" now. Taking some of Jen's advice I applied some hair gel hoping it would keep it laying down enough to hide the length some. Not seeing anything out of place I go start preparing to make breakfast. Since I did get up so early why not make it easier for Pop this morning.

I was only about a third of the way through making the giant omelet when he came in and surprised me by putting his hand on my shoulder. When I turned he gently gave me a soft hug.

"Morning, how are you holding up so far?" he asked me.

"Pretty good I guess, since I was up early I thought I'd give y'all a hand," I replied shrugging my shoulders. "This is harder than I had thought it would be, but I can do it."

"Well maybe you won't have to do this as long as we had initially planned, as it turns out we have all of the medical paperwork required already done, so it's just the legal aspects. We can expedite everything as quickly as possible so you don't have to keep up this charade as long as we originally planned."

"How long?" was all I could ask.

"I talked to a friend at the courthouse, remember Gene? He used to be in my unit before he retired. He said we can get the paperwork filed in the next week to edit your birth certificate, would take a bit over a month maybe two tops. As far as your name change he said we could have that done in a few weeks. So hopefully just before Christmas, I thought that would make an excellent present for you," he said smiling.

I felt my eyes start to water so I grabbed him in a hug. "Thank you that would be awesome."

After a minute, he chuckled, "Not that I mind the hug, but your omelet might be burning," I just let him go and nodded. I turned away wiping the tears that had formed and gave our breakfast the attention it needed.

"Hey blackened works for fish and chicken, why not for an omelet?" I managed to joke. He just smiled and chuckled softly while he was starting his coffee maker.

A bit later when we were all sitting down eating our chargrilled omelet Mom smiled at me and said, "I take it he told you what we had discussed yesterday?" I nodded afraid of talking and getting too emotional again. "Okay so I take you are in agreement that this would be best?" I didn't know if this would be best, but I honestly didn't know if I could manage being Robbie for the rest of school year. I nodded yes. Moods were high and we were all excited enough that it didn't even matter that our breakfast was slightly burned.

When I walked into Biology that morning, I found Jen already sitting in her seat, I smiled and told her good morning. She looked a bit surprised to find me in such a good mood.

"Morning, I was worried about how you would be doing this morning. It looks like you're doing pretty good though," She smiled.

"Yeah my parents told me some really good news this morning, I think it's really good news at least," I told her smiling. "I'll fill you in later okay?" She nodded so we talked about random stuff until class started.

At lunch, all of the girls got up and gave me a hug, even Robin who so far had been the hardest to win over. It was a huge change from the first time I sat here with them. I did notice some of the guys in the lunch room giving me some nasty looks though, they probably couldn't figure out how I had gotten accepted at this table so easily. The conversation was mostly about how much fun they had Friday night and that they needed to do it again. I tried to smile and look like I wasn't bothered but Jen could see my expression and was nice enough to change the subject to something less frustrating for me. As we were all headed back to class Alicia did flash me that gorgeous smile of hers and confirmed I was coming over tonight to study. When I told her of course she hugged me and said she will see me at 6. The rest of the day was just regular boring school stuff. I did finally get to talk to Jen about the news my parents had given me this morning when I drove her home, which was becoming the norm. Jen looked excited and worried about at the same time.

"I'm glad they can do it quicker, and I know that you're having a hard time being, well the old you I guess. Have you figured out how you're going to let the school know? Are you ready for that?" she asked.

"Honestly? I don't know if I'm ready for like the whole world to know, but I do know I really don't think I can keep up this charade up until summer. It's just gotten so difficult to put on this," I say, motioning to myself.

She nods and softly smiles, "Okay, well you know I'll help out in any way I can. You do know that if you're going to do this earlier than we need to try to acclimate you quicker to being out in public here. Going to Birmingham or Jackson is going to take more time than you really have now."

"I hadn't really thought about that," I tell her drifting off into thought.

"Let me talk to my Mom and we can see what we can come up with okay?" she tells me.

"Okay, just don't throw me too far out in the deep end too quickly. Please," I tell her, I'm terrified and strangely curious. I mean I'm not "hiding" per se running on campus, but I am in a way. We end up at her house going over our biology until it's time for me to head to Alicia's.

Giving me a hug she whispers, "Be careful okay."

"Hmm okay, we're just going to be studying," I reply.

"I hope you're right," she says so softly I almost didn't hear her. Driving over to our study session I kept trying to figure out what she meant, eventually I just ended up thinking she was talking about me and hiding my secret.

Arriving at Alicia's about 10 minutes early, her parents welcomed me in and told me how much they appreciated me helping her with Algebra. Now don't get me wrong Alicia is a pretty smart girl, from our previous study session I really didn't think she needed my help. If she felt she needed it I was glad to help her out, as she was quickly becoming a really good friend to me. When she came down a few minutes later I noticed she had changed out of what she was wearing at school today, she looked really nice. She had changed out of her jeans and knit top to a skirt and blouse, still nothing set off any alarms with me yet.

"Wow! You look amazing! I feel just a bit underdressed now, I thought we were just studying." I smiled when I saw her.

"Oh this? It's really nice of you for noticing, but can't a girl just dress nice for no reason?" she said flashing that killer smile again.

"Uh, sure I guess so," I said, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. It finally started sinking in that something wasn't exactly right with this situation. Doubting myself though I tried to push that thought out of my mind.

"Ready to get started?" she said, motioning to the couch where her algebra book and stuff was already sitting.

Maybe nothing out of the ordinary was happening and I was just imagining things, it wasn't the first time I would have been wrong about a situation. Nodding I plopped down on the couch and said, "Sure where do you want to start?"

Sitting down we both started going over the areas she claimed she was struggling with. We had been going for about forty minutes when her parents came back downstairs. They were dressed really nice and looked like they were preparing for a night out.

"Wow! Where are you two headed looking all fancy?" Alicia asked them.

"Honey don't you remember that your Dad had that business dinner tonight. I'm sure we told you last week," Her Mom said.

"Oh I do remember you mentioning that now, I forgot it was tonight though," she said innocently.

Her father looked at me for a moment curiously for a moment before he said, "Well we've got to go otherwise we'll be late, you two behave yourselves," He still was giving me a strange look. I was trying to decide if he saw something about "Robbie" that was a bit off, or if he was sizing me up to be safe around his daughter.

"Not a problem sir," I told him, grinning I added, "Maybe you should tell that to the Algebra, its being really rough at the moment," He gave me that odd look for a few seconds and then realized I was joking and with that they were out the door.

Alicia just sat there for a moment flashing that smile again, the one she's been flashing at me for the past few days. I started getting that odd feeling again, still thinking it was just my imagination I shrugged it off. Trying to get back to the task at hand I just said, while holding out the algebra book, "So, where were we?"

She looked at the book and scooted just a bit closer and pointed at one of the problems. "Here I think." We started back up and while she had appeared to be having problems earlier now she was doing great, hell she was doing better than great. She was working the problems almost as quickly as I could. Finally, after almost fifteen minutes of this that odd feeling was getting stronger before I finally had to ask her.

"Alicia, what's going on. You looked like you were needing some help at first, but now..." I said unsure how to phrase the next part of the question.

She scooted just a bit closer smiling at me. "Maybe it's just that you are that great of a tutor." She picked up the book out of my lap and sat it behind her on the couch.

"No I'm not Alicia, what's going on?" The whole scene was just now starting to make sense to me, but I still couldn't figure out how it involved me. I mean I had been labeled a nerd, or geek or even a nerdy geek for several years, there is no way what I was starting to think could be the truth.

"How long have we been friends Robbie? Since you moved here in the 2nd grade, right?" She asks.

I nodded. "That sounds about right, why?"

"I know that you and Jen were always better friends, she is just a friend, right? I mean you two aren't like an item, are you?" she asks.

"What? No! Of course, we're not dating, she's been my best friend for years. That would just feel weird," I blurt out. That seems to make her smile even bigger and she scoots up even closer.

"You probably never even knew it, but I had a huge crush on you when we were in like the 5th grade, but you and Jen were always together. I never thought I had a chance," she said softly looking down at her lap.

"What? I didn't know that... Jen and I were and still are only best friends. Why are you telling me this now?" I ask fearfully. I'm afraid of what she is about to tell me, and at the same time my heart was starting to race from excitement.

"Look I've always liked you, even when you started going through.... Whatever it was that you were dealing with. You started looking so sad and then you were wearing all that baggy stuff like you were trying to hide from the world. Then the past few weeks, whatever was bothering you seemed to start going away. You started coming out of your shell, and I started to see who I had that crush on again," She told me very softly, when she looked up I could see tears forming.

"Alicia... Why me though? I mean you could have any guy you wanted, why me?" I softly demanded. I had never had to face a conversation like this, and honestly never imagined I would ever have to.

"Robbie, you've always been like this super smart guy, but I never once thought of you as a nerd. You were funny and always easy to talk to. You also treated me like a person, always. Not like any other of the guys. When you would talk to me you would actually listen and always look me in the eyes and not just stare at my boobs. Robbie, you are one of the sweetest guys I've ever known," she said softly as she stared at me hopefully and gently clasped my hand in hers.

Stunned I could barely reply, bowing my head I said softly, "Alicia, but... I mean look, I think you are amazing but I can't... I mean I know what you might think but I'm not... I'm well not a..," I couldn't say a guy for the life of me, I wanted to tell her. The last thing I would want to do is hurt her, I did like Alicia she was a great person. I had never thought of her, or anyone like that though, so I just sat there stammering for a few seconds unable to look up at her.

I felt her get a bit closer, but I was trying to think of just what to say when I felt her hand lift up my chin. As I started to look up at her I realized just how close she was when I felt her lips touch mine. My first thought was to make her stop, but my body just froze as she kissed me, softly, tentatively at first. It was so soft and nice. It immediately made my body feel all warm and tingly and it felt so good I didn't want to stop. Not listening to my brain, I felt myself lean in just a bit and kiss her in return. Since I had never ever kissed anyone other than my parents when I was little, I didn't know just exactly what to do. My body did though, it returned the kiss softly at first than with more feeling. I gently raised my hand and caressed her cheek when the tingling that was quickly covering my entire body hit something more, umm intimate. That snapped my mind back into control, and I quickly stood up and took a step back looking at her. My knees were weak and I was still trying to process what had just happened.

"Alicia... Wow... I never intended..." I was stammering and not making any sense, I reached up and touched my lips, I could feel and taste her lipstick on me. Looking at her I could see that my reaction had hurt her and it crushed me. I felt myself starting to cry, I said to her "Alicia, I'm so sorry. God I'm sorry. I wish I could... I mean I wish you and me could... I can't!!" The tears were falling pretty freely at this point so I turned from her to hide the fact I was crying...

"Robbie what do you mean you can't? Why can't you? Don't you like me?" she said, the hurt evident in her voice. She grabbed my shoulder, turns me back towards her and sees just how much I am crying. Really looking confused now, she continues, "Why are you crying? Robbie what's wrong? Talk to me!"

Sniffling I tell her, "I never in a million years would ever want to hurt you, but Alicia you and I can only be friends. I wish we could be more but it wouldn't be fair to you..," My voice just drifts off at that point and I look down at my feet.

Suddenly a look of realization comes across her face. "Oh My God!! Are you telling me you're gay? That would make so much sense!!" She blurts out.

"What no! I'm not gay!" Then it hits me I'm technically a girl who just really enjoyed kissing another girl, maybe I am. Do I like guys? So far I haven't been attracted to any. Then the words "I don't think so" slip out of my mouth.

"What? You don't think so? I mean don't you know who you're attracted to? What the hell Robbie?!?!" she shouts at me, her anger rising.

"Alicia!!! Stop for a minute!! Give me a second to get this right, I don't want to fuck it up like I have everything else..," I tell her tears still streaming. Still really angry she just nods and says okay. After a few moments, I regain most of my wits and resume trying to talk to her. "Alicia first you have to understand; I have never let myself think about something like that. I've known that I could never be with anyone like that... So, I refused to ever consider anything along those lines," I had to stop talking, as my body started to shudder with my crying.

A bit, and only a bit, softer she says, "Robbie what do you mean you could never be with anyone? That's bullshit, you're a pretty amazing guy," That only set my crying off even worse.

"No I'm not!" I manage to get out between sobs. "I'm really not."

"Robbie yes you are!! Quit acting like you're not amazing..." she starts to say.

"BUT I'M NOT A GUY!!!" I almost shout. Quickly realizing I'm about to blurt out my secret to her, the fear sinks in and I add, "not really", in barely a whisper. I noticed then that I have backed into the wall, I didn't realize that the whole time I had been backing away from her and she had steadily been trying to stay closer.

She gently puts her hand on my arm and with her other hand lifts my face to meet hers. "What do you mean you're not really a guy? What are you talking about?" Her anger has pretty much faded and been replaced by concern and maybe curiosity.

Looking directly into her eyes I decide to tell her part of the truth; I can't bring myself to tell her everything yet. "Alicia... I was born with a birth defect... I was born without... Umm... without testicles... We found out when I was around twelve... I'll never develop as a guy... I'll never be able to perform like...Someone like you would want me too... I..," I can't say anymore because I totally break down and slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor.

Alicia sits down and puts her arms around me and just holds me until I eventually cry it all out. Finally, I'm able to look at her again and say to her, "Alicia. I'm sorry... I.."

"Shhh Robbie, it's okay. That really doesn't change the fact that I still like you," she said as she softly kissed my forehead.

"Alicia, I like you too. The last think I'd ever want to do is hurt you, but I just can't be that... You deserve someone who's whole. I still feel like I'm only half a person..." I say drifting off.

She just sadly smiles and stands up offering me her hands, which I take and she helps me to my feet. She leads me into the kitchen and starts cleaning the tears off my face with a clean hand towel. Fixing us both a Coke, we end up sitting in the kitchen for a bit just lightly touching on what I told her earlier. About half an hour later I think I had calmed down enough to drive and as she walks me to the door she stops me right at the door.

"Robbie, I know what you've told me and you're not ready. I honestly don't think I care about you saying you can't... well you know," she says blushing. I smile gently at her looking her directly into her eyes and she continues, "While I haven't kissed that many guys, I do have to say that you by far are the best I've ever kissed," She gently giggles at that comment.

"Well you are definitely the best that I've ever kissed," I tell her smirking.

She playfully slaps me on the arm and teases back, "Well from what you've said I'm the only one you've kissed. Seriously though, until you are ready I want to leave you with one thing."

Confused just a bit, I nod and say, "Okay what?" Expecting her to hand me something she stands on her tip-toes and lays another kiss on me, my mind being shocked again freezes but my body reacts and returns the kiss. I am unable to regain control of my body until her leg softly slides between mine and had she not had me pressed against the door my legs would have caved on me at that very moment, the sensations were that intense. Breaking the kiss, I look down at her and she's got this smile plastered on her face, it's a mix of mischief and contentedness.

"Whenever you're ready, you just remember what's waiting for you okay," she tells me, almost in a dreamlike state. Then she opens the door leaning on it and watches me as I walk out to my car. It took every bit of self-control I had to be able to make it to the car with my legs feeling like Jell-O. Trying to drive home with my shaking and trembling legs was yet another challenge, having an old manual transmission wasn't helping either. I could never remember ever feeling like this, on top of my legs my entire body felt strangely warm and tingling all over and I mean ALL over. I couldn't sit still in my seat for the life of me. As I was fidgeting while sitting at a red-light I couldn't help but notice all the stars were out. I looked up towards the heavens and I could swear I could feel the universe's amusement at my situation.

I gently shook my head and muttered. "At least I hope you're having a good chuckle at this." The light turned green and I continued on my way home.
 
 
To Be Continued in Part 10.