A night sky full of stars - it's late - a young man slowly walks back  to the place they are staying at from a birthday party - walking across a bridge high above a small river the runs though town they stop as they look over the side - with tears running down they face all they can think about is how easy it would be to end it - to step off the edge  - end all the pain and suffering - no longer seeing any way out... 

The young man has a secret that they try keep to they self  -very few know - even fewer understand - he knows the world can be a dangerous place for people like him  -

The thing that has brought them to this point - looking over the edge..  Is that they are transgender  - behind what others see - like wearing a mask and costume they try they best to hide they true self -they true self  a young woman who longs to take off the mask and costume and be her real self - not the young man that others see (how she hates it when people say sir  and him) - yet she is scared - scared of what others will think and do - having been heavily bully in school and elsewhere (including her mums long term boyfriend attempts to kill her - mostly because unlike her mum she is no longer letting people walk over her /bully her) - she's knowns what people can be like..

Up to now she has been able to hide it - to blend in - but slowly dieing inside /being more depressed more  each day - the few bits of hope/joy in her life are the times spent around horses (what she has a special bond with) a few special friends   but also the times spent reading the storys on a favorite transgender story website ( that she some how found one day one the Internet some time ago )   - when she is up to it/has Internet access she looks to see what new story's /new parts of story's have be posted since her last visit  - on her bad days  she retreads some of the ones that she has read as the rest of the world fads into the back round....

But now on the night of her birthday party  she some how's knows it's time to make the  decision - there is really only 2 possible ways from here -  to step off the edge - to end her life...  Or to at last take off the mask and costume - to be the person they truly are - a young woman making her way through life the best way she can regardless of what others will think think/do....

She closes her eyes with tears still falling - then with much soul searching looking back at her life - that what she can remember of her past (having lost around 2/3 of her memory from a head injury in the past much of her memories are missing - much of what she can remember is not good things - the bullying/not fitting in - also the  near rape that happened many years before yet mixed in there is also some joy with at least some of her past )

At last the young woman opens her eyes - looking at the star filled sky - with a sad smile - she takes a step - away from the edge of the bridge  back to the middle of the bridge - in a life changing moment she is on the long and hard path to become the person she truly is

As she walks away from the bridge back to the house she's staying at - her sharp mind is all ready starting to plan for the many changes  that are coming in her life - big and small  - some bringing joy others sadness - that will come over the following days, weeks, months and even years

Just a bit of story telling from me for tonight on looking for a home, the road less travelled and being true to one's self

The gypsy girl

She is looking out of the window at the sunset as she's siting on the bed in a room in a house but her mind is elsewhere - the memorys of her life spent on the road less travelled in her thoughts tonight -

as all ways the road softly calling her name -gently - like a mare calling to her foal - she wondereds what it is that makes a place a home? And if she will ever find a place besides some where on the road less travelled to really call a home?

She's may be staying in one place for some time for now - but like many things in her life she is never really sure for how long it will be this time - until she's back on the road - a true gypsy of life that is living a life that is being true to her soul...

The young woman looks out the door of her home - it's the door of a small 2 man tent - just big enough for her and her gear - she has no house or a fixed home - all ways traveling - never spending long in one place - as she keeps looking for something - what is it she's looking for?   - only when /if see finds it will she know -  the road calls to her -  in a soft yet strong voice - calling like a mare to her foal

- looking out the door towards the other people who are staying at the place she is (a place where she has spent longer than most places - yet it's time to start moving again )  - a mix of children and adults at a horse camp this week - the adults siting around talking in the summer sun - the kids on ponys or having fun in other ways - some of kids say hi as they pass -

silent tears running down her face as she wishes she could be out there with them-on horse back with friends or even spending time with others - in many ways she is still a child at heart - being around others has always been hard  - she doesn't make friends easily - harder for her to keep them - she knows with the way her life is she has trust issues having been hurt so often by others -

never fiting in -  not being able read people or understand the unsaid rules of peoples lives she spends much of her time on her own - time has little meaning for her - many times forgetting to eat - minutes and hours pass like water flowing down a river - she has no fears - not even fearing death - at times she would of welcomed it - some days are better than others -

at times kids can be so cruel (even the times when they don't mean to be) - with they questions/how they ask then - the looks she gets - the comments/jokes when they think she can't her them - many adults aren't much better - as a young disabled transgender woman she lives in a world the few under stand - offen even well meaning friends just don't get it - they don't see/get how close she is to the edge - at times she runs from people in tears - she's having to cut people out of her life to protect her self as she desperately trys to find her way through her life - though the tears and the nightmares in the night  - some times even the nightmares in the daytime...

Still she keeps traveling - all ways traveling - though the joy and pain that her life is - all ways looking for the unknown thing that she is searching for...   Others can/will help but in the end only she will be the one to discover and find what she is looking/searching for...

Dark days

The young woman lays on a bed - slowly crying herself to sleep -
her emotions a untamed storm - she can see no reason to go on - no future - her past only pain and suffering - just about no family and she has no where to call home besides her life on the road - she needs time in one place (with people who accept her for who she is) but knows it's unlikely to happen - she is on the edge between life and death - her life hanging by a thread...  She's crying out for help yet most of  Her so called "friends"  only are  pushing her closer to the edge with they dead- naming and miss-gendening of her   - each day of her life she is walking a tightrope - each day coming closer to the point of no return - she knows in her heart that's with out outside help it's only a matter of time before for she gets to that point - she is just not strong enough to handle it on her own...  - the death of a dear friend of her's taking her ever closer...    She has be fighting for so long - time has little meaning for her - fighting against the  hateful people who wish her gone -  the nasty comments - the transphobia of people /in the media /movies /TV - the stares/laughing /bad jokes from people she has never meet before - so tired of losing friends /family - of dealing with the personal/odd  questions that random people ask of her - with then offen getting upset /anger with her when she'll don't give the  answers they want to hear or when she doesn't have answer...  Offen those who know can never explain - those who can't will never understand...

The Xmas lunch...

The young women stands quietly as she looks over to the others going into the restaurant/bar - she's not really sure why she came as its the type of thing that she more tends to run /stay away from then some thing she would go out of her way to go to... But she did tell her friend she would go...

As the people go inside each with a bit of paper in they hands - she knows none of the people - there's a lady at the door saying hi to each person as they go in...

The young woman has no real idea of how things should go as a friend had set it up - all the young woman had was a message to be at the place at a time - that and a name of some one - she had no real idea who that person was/what they looked like and what they connected with the place is? Was it one of the owners of the place, some one in charge of the lunch or just one of the people going to the lunch?

There's a sign out side saying private group so it must be a pre arranged meal so at least some one should be able to help the young woman find out more - as she looks over to the lady at the door the young woman is trying to decide if to do a bit of a runner and leave or to go up to the lady at the door - this is one of the things the young lady doesn't do well/hates trying to do- going up to a group of people that she has no idea who they are and more to the point would the unknown people accept the young woman as part of they group at the meal...

In the end the young woman decideds to take a chance with the unknown group of people - as she slowly heads towards the door she keeps a eye out - both on the people and they reaction to her being there.. But all so looking at possible ways out just in case things turn bad (as they have from time to time to the young transgender woman in the past - part of why she doesn't like groups of unknown people around her...)

The young woman slowly tells the friendly looking lady by the door why shes there.. The young woman then stands there holding her breath as she hopes that the lady has some idea who she is and is some what worried as she don't know what the people at the lunch know about her...

The ladys response puts the young woman fears some what at rest as she says yes she knows who the young woman is (and even asks her how to say her name - the young woman ends up giving the lady a nickname as her name can be hard for some to say) and knows what is happening at the restaurant/bar

As the young woman is showing inside the place and has a number of people come up (each saying who they are - the names going right over the young womans head (she's useless at remembering peoples names) as she is looking around the restaurant/bar at the tables of unknown people she gets asked if she wants to sit on her own or with others... She thinks for a min or so before deciding to sit with others though she tends to sit by her self when eating especially when she is around unknown people like now... Part of why she decided to sit with others was to try and find out just what was going on with the meal - she is seated at a table with 2 other women - they appear to know each other...

The young woman trys to join in with what the two women are talking about and trys to make small talk... As what tends to happen there is few subjects to talk about as the young womans life is very different to that of the other two women so there is little in common between then...

The food comes out with people appearing to all have the same meal then a bit of a speech by one of the people in charge of the meal there? (who turns out to be the person who name was the one the young woman was given by her friend in the message) The young woman is some what uncomfortable with the talk of God in the speech /grace for the meal and hopes no one asks her about God /Church /religion - it's not that she has any thing against any of that but to her it's up to each individual person to decide for they selfs what the beliefs/none beliefs are and is very sick of /over others trying to force they beliefs on her especially the hate /nasty stuff because she is transgender or even just because she doesn't have the same thoughts on god as they do... The young woman tends to keep her thought on the subject to her self (like many of the things she thinks about)

The meal is chicken roast? What turns out to be some thing of a bad joke for the young woman as out of all the different things that could of been the meal it had to be chicken - one of the few foods the young women can't really eat... (Seems more offen then not when someone makes the young woman a meal it has chicken in it in some way as part of the meal...)

One of the things that comes up with the small talk as what the other two women do for a job - one of the woman works with a animal rescue place so there is a bit of talking about dogs as the young woman is thinking /looking into the possibly of getting a dog (to travel with her on the road)

After the meal there's a bit more talking before people start leaving - the two women leave - leaving the young woman to think about a few things as she getting chatting to a few people about her travels and why she's there...

One of the questions that come up is where she lives.. After explaining that she lives on the road by bike and sleeps in a tent - the young woman points out that many places ask for photo ID to stay including many backpackers and even some camping ground.. What then leads in to a chat about id and paper work including that the young womans paper work is in a mess because different places have different rules with changing the name /gender marker on paper work (including different government departments having different rules from each other causing all sorts of fun-not! )

that then leads on to the young woman doing a bit of a transgender 101 lesson to help explain the issues she faces - she's carefully how she says things as she has had um issues in the past with the group (the group as a rule tends not to be um supported of people who are lbgt) that at least some of the people at the lunch are part of - so its a bit like being on thing ice and hoping you don't break though... As the young woman (in a nice dress and not looking any thing like a "him") is taking at least one of the people there keeps calling her "him" (sign- there had to be at least one person there who just didn't get it/didn't want to/had to be a pain didn't there : ( such is life when you are transgender...)

As the young woman is leaving one of the people there keeps offering her candy canes - what she (nicely) keeps turning down as she's trying to keep away from such things as she's trying to eat more healthy so cutting way back on sweets- the person seems um offend that the young woman won't take any - maybe just another thing the young woman will perhaps never understand like much of the things that happen at a Xmas lunch...

To the young woman Xmas is less about God /religion /church /shopping /big sales and more about being with friends and family (not that much of the young womans family has any thing to do with her any more...) at that time of year...

After saying goodbye to the rest of the people the young woman then gets on her bike and rides off into the distance...

The necklace

The young woman looks down to the heart shape necklace in her hand with tears running down her face... on the night of Christmas eve -such a simple thing so small yet has such meaning to the young women - the story that the necklace tells is of the love between a mother and her daughter... And of acceptance and support...

Out of the young womens family only her mum still stays in contact / still talks with her on the phone after the past 2 year as she came out to her friends and family as being transgender - the rest of the so called family of the young women no longer talks with/to her -in some ways it makes her sad that so call family would be like that - yet she leaves the door open a little just incase any of the rest of the family decided to change they minds as the young women looks not to the past with her life but to the future -

Over time the young women has found a different kind of family - that of a few special friends that have taken care of her when she has needed the help that only family can bring - even on her darker days they are still there for her...
family is more than blood - it is the people who support and help each other when in need...

the necklace that the young woman holds in her hand was part of the Christmas present ( along with earrings)from her mum the year of the first Christmas after she came out as a young woman - the present showing that her mum was accepting and was still supportive of her new daughter...

White horses dancing on the waves - the young woman looks out of the window towards the lake a sad smile on her face - her mind elsewhere as she ponders her last phone call a few days ago to a old friend...

The words " it would be better if you was not so out about your lifestyle to others "  showing just how little her well meaning friend understands things - just like the question "why can't you just stay the same?"  when she was first coming out to her friend as transgender - some times one has to rock the boat even if doing so makes others uncomfortable...

To her it was simply - she had to start being her real self - there was no other path - as she said to her well meaning friend when her friend said she was all ways taking the hard road -  who says I see any other path?    She knows that she can be blunt to people at times - some times that's whats needed to get the point across - like when she told her mum " you can have a dead son or a alive   daughter as that is simply what would of happened...

She thinks back to the TV show she was on last year ( a 20 m Doc on new Zealand TV  about her disabilitys /her travels and the search for some thing in her life  (including being transgender and the start of her transition from her old (unhappy) life to her new (happier) life)  sometimes she thinks why she give the ok to the TV people - in her heart she knows why - it's was never about being a TV star or even being on TV but to help people understand that transgender people are just people trying they best to find they way in life - just like any one else in life does....  

Yes she outed herself to the world (on nz TV at that) - knowing that there would be at lest some backlash from hateful people towards her and possibly friends /family  but some times people have to take a risk to help change the world...   

A thought that runs through her head as she thinks about the last year or so - you know you are helping to change the world for the better when you start getting death theats from people who want the world to stay the same

Yet on the other side she has had people call her brave /a hero (she never knows what to think about being called such things - they not terms that sit well with her )  some people had come forward to her - some in person - some on line - to say how seeing the tv program helped then with a better understanding of what it's like to be transgender -  that transgender people are not sexual pervents /jokes or other nasty things that transgender people have offen been  protrade by in the media as being - offen in movies /daytime TV shows  - during the making of the TV show she had to explain things to the tv crew so her story would be told right - to any other people she just would say no to any TV suff as she would never be able trust then to not twist the story to get higher rating as what often happens

The young women is a very private person with trust issues so it was not easy to find her self in front of TV cameras - still she went forward with it knowing if it would only help one person it would of been worth it...

She knows the numbers well -  the ones that try to end it seeing now way out - once she was there - now she does what she can to help others find a different path - like she has done in her life

Still as she looks out the window towards the lake at the white horses dancing on the waves - the sounds of the fast food restaurant she's in just back round noise to her - she ponders both how far understanding of transgender issues have come yet how far they still have to go - the sign to the bathroom a sharp reminder of that....