It’s just not fair. Why me?
I am walking around trying my best to survive. “Would you like a hand with those groceries?” I asked a man hoping to get some money to buy some food.
“Buzz off kid!” he yelled. That was the tenth one. I don’t think I will be eating today as well. People are not as generous these days. I watch customers coming in and out of the Safeway.
“Would you like a hand with those groceries?” I asked again this time to an older lady.
“Why isn’t that sweet of you,” she smiled. “Yes, I would. She hands me her paper bag of whatchamacallits, and we both walked over to her car. I hand the bag to her and she offers me a dollar bill.
“Thank you. ma’am.” I was delighted to get one dollar. I just hope I can get a few more.
I saw this couple come out of the store, I ran up to them. “Would you like a hand with those groceries?”
“No thank you, we can handle it.”
I have had enough. I sat on the curb next to my bag of clothes and my teddy bear and pouted. A young woman saw me sitting down on the ground and dropped a quarter at me. I looked down at the quarter and then up at her. She was heading down the street. A man came up and dropped some change at my feet as well.
“Thank You,” I Squealed. The store manager saw me begging for money and came out after me.
“Young lady,” he growled. “I would like it, that you would stop hanging around here. Go somewhere else. I looked at him with my mouth open. How could he be so cruel. I had enough money to buy a sandwich from him, but because of that, I am not, I left the store and walked down the street.
My stomach was growling and I needed food. Having to spend all day begging to get money, My stomach was now begging for attention. There was a sandwich shop near the Safeway, It was the only closest place to me. I walked over to it pulling my bag and holding my teddy bear with me. My bag and my teddy bear was all I have in the world. I worry I might lose it.
I would cry the most, if I lost my teddy. He is what I hold onto at nights, when I feel scared. He is also the only one I mostly talk to. He is just a bit torn and has a missing eye, but I still love him. I didn’t like carrying all my stuff with me, but where was I going to put it. It would get stolen, If I didn’t.
“Can I help you miss?” a man at the front counter of the sandwich shop asked, looking down at me.
“What can I get for only $3.32?” I asked the man.
“Um… maybe potato chips?”
“Oh.” I pouted. I knew I wasn’t able to live on just potato chips. I walked out of the restaurant and headed down the road.
It was like it everywhere I went. I had a hard time finding food for the amount of money I had. One place told me I couldn’t order, unless I had a grownup with me. That made me sad, because it was the cheapest place I could go to, All I wanted was a happy meal.
I settled on going to a bakery and buying a small loaf of bread. . It cost me every cent I had, but at least I was able to eat. It just meant I had to work again tomorrow. The bread lasted the whole night. I wished I could have saved some for in the morning, but I was very hungry.
When I went to bed, I looked for a place I could protect my things with. I found a large cardboard box, that I was surprised wasn’t taken yet, with all the homeless living in San Francisco.
When I woke up to something falling on the cardboard box.
“Great!” It’s starting to rain. Nothing like trying to stay warm and dry, when it’s raining outside. It’s already cold, I don’t want more of it. As I lay on the ground, I watch the rain fall. It was falling faster each second.
I heard thunder crashing and if there is thunder, there may be even lightning. Not the best place to be, during a thunderstorm. Plus there could be a flood, from all this rain pouring down.
The rain was starting to come through the shelter I made. I cover up myself with my blanket, trying to stay warm. I am shivering, while snuggling up to my teddy bear and hoping the storm would pass soon.
I have no idea what day of the week it was or even the month, but I have been on my own for quite some time now. I learned for quite some time now, I can not predict San Francisco’s weather. It’s not like I can watch TV.
I hear a car coming towards me and I keep still, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t see me.
*Splash*
Water from the road hit me, when it drove by. I was drenched to the bone now. So much for keeping dry.
Cold, wet and shivering, I get up and start down the road. It must be morning, because businesses were open. It’s hard to tell during a storm , what time it really was. The smell of the fresh baked muffins made my stomach growl. I wished I didn’t use up all the money yesterday on bread. I felt disappointed. As always, I don’t have any money and I hate stealing
I was standing in front of a coffee shop looking at the muffins and watching people going in and out. No one even bothered to help me. I’m guessing, because I was homeless and I was soaked from head to toe, from the rain. I walk away from the coffee shop with tears in my eyes. It seems like this is another day without eating. I thought to myself.
I walk into a building and sit down on a bench. I can’t be there forever, since security would kick me out eventually. Looking outside I wonder when the rain will stop.
“Achoo!” I sneeze. I feel like I starting to get a cold.
A little girl and her mom were walking passed me.
“Mommy, what’s wrong with her?” the little girl said, pointing at me.
“I’m not sure,” the mother answered. “But we better hurry up, you will be late for your appointment.”
It hurts me, when I see people pass by and not stop to see if I was okay or not.
“Achoo!”
I see a security guard come up to me. I start to panic.
“Hey kid, you can’t stay here.” the security guard yelled.
“But it’s raining out,” I cried.
“I don’t care if there was a hurricane outside, you can’t stay here, take your things and skedaddle! “
I grumble and grab my bag.
“And if I see you around here again, the police will be called and you will be charged with trespassing.”
I head outside again, in the freezing cold rain. I am still sneezing, and the security guard didn’t care.
As I walk down the street, I cry. It wasn’t like anyone could see me crying. I had to find a place to stay warm and also I had to find a way out of San Francisco.
As I hold my teddy, and my bag, I stop at the coffee shop I was at earlier and hoped that the owners wouldn’t mind me staying there to wait out the storm. I started sneezing and shivering when I got in. The lady that worked there saw me come in.
“Welcome to The Coffee… oh you poor thing, come over near the fireplace and dry off.” she helped me over to a seat. I sat down on the ground next to the fire took out my blanket to try to stay warm. It was soaked like I was. I believe everything I had on me was soaked.
The fire was wonderful and I was glad I found a place to stay inside. The lady came over to me with a cup of hot cocoa. “Here take this, it will warm you up.”
“Thank you,” I shivered and took the cup.
“What’s your name?” she asked me, while I took a sip of the cocoa.
“Ashley,”
“Nice to meet you Ashley, my names Emily. Do you live around here?”
I didn’t know where I lived, Being eight, I should know, but my family moved a lot. I kept quiet. I was worried what would happen, if I told her where I have been staying. I sneezed and wiped my nose on my sleeve. A man came inside the building.
“Hold on for just a minute, I’ll be right back. Gotta take care of this customer.” She turned to the man. “Welcome to The Coffee Bean... She hops over to the counter and makes a coffee or something for the man. It sure made a lot of noise. It looked like she made it with milk chocolate mix and coffee. Then she topped it off with whipped cream. I took a sip from my cup of cocoa. I was starting to get warm, but was extremely wet.
“When she was done serving him, a few more people came into the coffee shop. It just got busy all of a sudden. I stayed snuggled up next to the fire and watched every order she made.
I felt a little out of place sitting on the ground. Everyone sat at a table or in lounge chairs. I clothes I was wearing. An ugly gray shirt and blue jeans. Everyone else there was in business suits, skirts or dresses. I wish I had a dress, at least then I would look more like a girl, instead of a cross between a boy and a girl in these clothes.
Another worker came into the store, I can tell she worked here, because of the uniform she was wearing. Emily and the new lady were talking a little bit. I wondered what she was talking about. I played with my teddy, which was soaked. I squeezed out the water. I looked back up at the two of them. I felt a little scared. Worried that I would have to go out in the rain again.
Emily walked over to me. “Ashley, where are your parents?”
I didn’t want to say. I just looked at my teddy and started to cry.
“Did you run away from home?”
I still didn’t say anything. I just hugged my wet bear.
“Emily smiled. “You hungry?”
“Depends?” I said softly.
“Well, I asked Carmela to watch the store, while I took you out for a bite to eat. I can bring you to a restaurant and we can talk there.”
I smiled.
At the restaurant, we sat at a booth and I got a hamburger and fries.
Emily had a salad. “So, Ashley, where is your family?”
I looked down at my food. I started crying. “My dad is dead. I miss him so much. I wish he was still here.”
“What happened to him?”
“He was on train heading home last year and...” I was crying now.
“I hope it didn’t crash?”
I shook my head yes.
Emily gave me a hug. “I am so sorry about that. Your mom, was she on it as well?”
“No she wasn’t,” I sniffed.
“Where’s your mother?”
“I dunno.”
“You don’t know?”
I took a sip of my soda. “A few weeks ago, not sure when though, but mom said we were going on a trip. So we packed up the car and drove here to San Francisco. Mom drove us to the airport and asked me to wait outside with my bag, while she parked the car.”
“Really? that’s not safe,” Emily looked surprised.
“I waited for her for a long time. She never came back,” I looked down at the partly eaten burger.
“Can you hold on a second.” she took out her phone and started dialing a number.
After we were done eating, We went back into the car. I wasn’t sure who she was talking to, but she said that she was going to bring me to he house. It was still raining and I was wondering when it was going to stop. This was going to be very hard for me to get money. All of a sudden, we pulled up to a large building. Was this her house? I was surprised on how big it was.
“Okay Ashley, you get out of those wet clothes and into the bath I will get something dry to wear and be in there to get things ready for you.”
I hesitated. I didn’t want her to see what I had down below.
“Don’t worry, We’re both girls, it’s not like I haven’t seen what you have.”
I started to cry.
“What’s wrong, Ashley?”
“I...I am … Not like you at all!” My tears were falling down my face like waterfalls.
“What do you mean?”
“I… was born... a boy!”
Emily was surprised I was born a boy, but looked like a girl. “Oh… um… your a boy?”
“I’m a girl!” I protested.
“Sorry,” Emily apologized. “You’re the first transgender I have ever met in person that looked like a girl.”
“What do you mean?” I cocked my head to one side looking into her eyes.
“Because everyone I have seen, usually still looks male and doesn’t even put on makeup.”
“You might be surprised. One of your customers, may be transgender and you won’t even know it.” I put my hands on my hips. “Don’t think that everyone acts and dresses the same. Besides, you don’t have to wear makeup to look pretty. I’m not wearing makeup.”
“Of course not, your too young to wear makeup. You got to be…What? Eight or Nine years old?
“I just turned eight on July 6.”
“So have you been transgender all your life?”
“Ever since I can remember, I have known I was a girl. and I was scared to tell my mommy and daddy. I do know that my daddy had accepted me, because he has a lot of gay friends, I’m not sure about my mommy. She wasn’t happy with my daddy hanging out with those guys.”
“So, you mom was homophobic?”
“What’s homophobic?” I never heard of that word.
“Homophobic or homophobia is the fear against people that are gay and lesbian. It can also be fear of people that are bisexual and transgender as well. But with bisexuals there’s also biphobia and transgenders there’s transphobia.”
“I guess my mommy was that way...” my eyes started tearing up. I have a feeling she hated me being transgender and was trying to find a way to get rid of me. That may be why she left me at the airport. All this time, I thought something happened to her.
Emily hugged me. It’s okay, I will find a place for you. I will try to find a place here in San Francisco for you if...”
“No!” I screamed.
“What is it sweetie?”
“I don’t want to be in San Francisco.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I have been miss treated here. This is where I was abandoned. I have been trying to leave this city for a long time now.”
“Don’t worry Ashley, I will search for a good place for you to go to.” She looks at me and smiles. Well, enough chatting and get out of those wet clothes and into the bathtub.”
I giggle.
As I got out of my clothes I put a washcloth over my hated spot of my body and stepped into the big bathtub that had bumpy holes on the sides of it. I was very interested in the holes. I wasn’t sure what it was.
Emily saw me inspecting the tub. I could hear her giggle or something. I looked over at her.
“It’s known as a hot-tub or a Jacuzzi. It shoots air out of those holes and makes bubbles. But the only bubbles that will be making in your bath will be from Mr. Bubble.” She takes out a pink bottle out of the cupboard, turns on the tub and pours in the soap. As soon as the soap hits the water, it makes a lot of bubbles.
She notices the wash cloth between my legs. “Why do you hide your penis?”
“I don’t have a p… p… that thing.” I cried.
She shakes her head.
“Okay, how about I call it your vagina?”
“It don’t look like a vagina.” I giggle.
“It’s either a vagina or it’s a...”
“Okay, it’s a vagina!” I giggle.
“I’ll be right back, don’t touch anything while I am gone. I sit there playing with the bubbles and making boobies out of them. I was having a lot of fun. Emily came in, saw me making boobies and laughed.
“You know, most kids try to be Santa Claus.”
“But I don’t want a beard, I want boobies.”
Emily chuckles and hands me a bucket. “Here are some toys to play with.”
“How come you have bubble bath and toys?” I asked her.
“Well, for your information, I am a grandmother and have taken care of my own children in the past.”
“You are a grandma?” my eyes were open wide.
Emily chuckled. “Yes, I am. I am old enough to be yours. My children are in their twenties and my grandchildren are about your age.” I watch as she takes out another bottle from the cupboard. “Hold on, while I wash your hair”
She takes a bit of shampoo and pours it in my hair and starts scrubbing. I don’t know when the last time I had it washed, but I am glad it was getting washed.
“God girl, your hair is so dirty, how long were you out there?” she rinses my hair and adds more shampoo to it to scrub it again.
“I don’t know. It feels like a few weeks, but it may have been a month. I don’t have a calendar. Ow!”
“Sorry!” One last rinse and I am playing with the toys. “Oh you’re a blonde.”
“Duh!”
“With all that dirt, you looked like a brunet.” I looked up at her confused. She looked back at me, figuring out I didn’t know what she meant by brunet. “A person with brown hair.”
“Ooh” I smiled. I went back to playing with the toys. I have never played with Barbie dolls before, but have been dying to. Mommy never got them for me and it always made me sad. “Where are you going Barbie?” said Ken
“I am going swimming with my sisters Skipper and Stacy,” said Barbie
At least this Barbie doll isn’t singing that dumb Barbie girl song.
I ended up playing with Barbie for a long time. Barbie went swimming like she said, but while she was at the beach, she met this guy named Wolverine that was hanging around in the bucket. They fell in love and Ken got jealous and then started fighting with Wolverine, which didn’t end well.
I’m not sure how everything went, because I had to get out of the tub. Emily came into the room with some clothes, which she had folded up. I wasn’t she what she had for me, but it would be better than the clothes I was wearing. Anything was better than the clothes I was wearing. I had been wearing those clothes for God knows how long.
I got out of the bath and dried off. I hated drying off the dumb thing below. I wish it would just fall off or disappear. When I was done drying off, I went to the counter and grabbed the clothes. It was light blue. I picked it up and cried.
It was a dress.
A dress and a pear of panties that matched.
After I wiped my tears, I put on the panties and then for the first time in my life, I put on my first dress ever. It made me very happy to finally wear a dress. I walked over to the door mirror and saw how I looked. I looked pretty. I looked like a girl. Not just any girl, a girly girl. I didn’t look like a tomboyish girl anymore.
I stepped out of the bathroom and out in the hallway to be greeted by a smiling Emily.
“You’re so adorable.” Emily cooed.
“Thank you, “I blushed and ran over to hug her.
“Double mocha latte with extra crème,” said a man at the counter of the coffee shop.
I watched Emily make coffee while I colored a picture. She and her workers were busy today. I found out that Emily is the owner of the Coffee Bean and that’s why she left yesterday.
The one known as Carmela is a single mother that needed the extra hours so, she didn’t mind working late. I just wished that her children were here. I am lonely being here all alone. I keep thinking that this one man is staring at me. It’s freaking me out.
I sipped on my hot cocoa while coloring a mermaid. I love mermaids. Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Why do I wish I was a mermaid? Well, because mermaids and mermans look the same below the waist.
“Ashley?”
I look up from my picture and stare at Emily.
“Could you be a dear and help me.”
I shake my head, yes.
“We are running low on coffee creamer, would you go over to the Shell Building across the street, to the office and pick some up.” She hands me the key to the office and also a sheet of paper. “This is for if you have any problems.”
“Okay.” I happily skip out of the cafe and head across the street. But then I stop dead in my tracks.
The building she had me go to, was the same building I was told never to go back in to again, or the police would be called. The security guard might see me and recognize me. I start to panic.
I look back at the cafe and promised Emily I would get the creamer and I slowly walk towards the building.
As I walk in, I walk passed the seat I usually sit down on. I try not to look at it, trying not to draw attention to it. I am very nervous. I look at the number on the key, which helps me find the location to the office. It’s on the second floor. I head toward the elevators. I am cautiously looking for the security guard, knowing that he could be catching up to me at any minute.
I make it to the elevators and press the button confused on why the guard hasn’t come to me yet. The door opens and I hop on and press the number 2 button. As I go up, I breath a sigh of relief, but wonder why I am. I still am in the building. The door opens and I jump. That same security guard was right outside the door of the elevator.
“May I help you young lady?” the dumb security guard asks.
I hand him the papers that Emily gave me. My hand was shaking the whole time. He grabs it, opens it and reads the papers. The next thing I hear was him chuckling.
“Like always, Emily runs out of something. Follow me young lady.” He walks down the hall towards her office, where I stand there looking dumb. “Well, aren’t you going to open it?”
“Oh.” I grab the key and open the door.
“Grab some Stevia as well, just to be safe, it’s her most popular sugar substitute.” he chuckled. “Oh and say hi to her for me, will you?” He walks off. I grab a box of the coffee creamer and some Stevia as well and locked up the office and head back to the cafe. I am relieved he didn’t recognize me.
When I got back, Emily took the creamer from my hands. “Thank You so much” She noticed the Stevia. “Oh, how’d you know we needed some more Stevia? I felt a little silly sending you there for creamer and no Stevia. Did you have any problems while you were there?”
“No,” I giggled. “No problems at all.”