My friends used to joke... (albeit wrongly, I would add.)

What's separates a crossdresser from a transsexual? About two years and therapy.

Chapter 1

“Timmy! You’re never going to believe this! I’ve got an interview!” beams my long time unemployed older sister, Tammy, barely able to contain her excitement. It's too early in the morning for her, or anyone else to be this excited. I fold the blanket and place it on the couch where I awoke just minutes earlier.

“I heard" Stretching, trying to greet the morning.

"You know, dear brother, you really should invest in a comfy set of PJ's." She greets me with a smile. "Oh and I never sleep with my bra on, you shouldn’t either." I'm in the outfit from last night. Helen, Tammy’s roommate, wanted to go out for drinks with a few people from her office and thought “Tina” could use a girls’ night out. Helen went to college with Tammy, they were friends, but Helen and I had much more in common, like, oh... a 'sense of style'.

I was either too drunk to change out of the ensemble, or I passed out on the couch. I'm not really sure. I'm not sure that I can get out of jeggings and a bodysuit sober much less plastered. My boots and leather jacket are on the floor by the bench in the makeshift foyer.

The outfit and jewelry were my own. It was fun playing “Tina”. It’s just play, not a lifestyle. I had made a small fortune during the last stock market run-up and for the moment, could live comfortably. It would only be a matter of time before the surplus would run out. I would have to find a job as well. Truth be told, I was also covering Tammy’s share of her apartment while she was out of work. I did own, outright, my condo unit downtown though I spent a fraction of my time there.

"Helen told me all about it last night. She was surprised they were able to schedule you for an interview so soon.” My sister gives me a puzzled look but continues. I follow her into the kitchen, hoping someone made coffee.

“I have to book my flight to Springfield and everything. I’ve only got two weeks.” She powers on her tablet and begins to look for flights.

“It’s probably not a good idea to plan a trip out of town so close to an interview,” I comment plainly. Trying to remember where I put my purse. My loose hair is driving me crazy. I spy the coffeemaker, and I steal a cup of coffee from the percolator as its dripping. Helen seems to find coffee beans from all over the world that taste better than most coffeehouses. After spilling some coffee on the counter, I'm searching for the dishrag.

"Hey, you mind staying with Helen while I'm away? She loves having "Tina" around, you know." Stating the obvious. Her mind, as usual, is going in every direction... But yes, Helen loves having me around. I'm like her own life size Barbie doll, minus the ridiculous Mattel proportions. We're supposed to attend the release of the fall fashion lineup, so I'm, well, Tina, is her 'plus one' for the event this evening. That and she promised to have Morgan, at the salon, restore my hair from platinum blonde, (Helen's idea, not mine) to my usual rosewood. The look of horror on Tammy's face when I walked in two days ago said it all. The blonde tendrils are why I'm avoiding Mom.

Tammy continues, "I have to pick out what I have to wear and… What did you say?” Tammy slams the brakes on the conversation.

It's so abrupt, I freeze in my tracks. Usually, she's prattling on for 10 minutes before realizing anything else has been said.

“I said you probably shouldn’t go on a trip so close to your interview,” my brows push together in a scowl.

“The interview is in Springfield.” again the curious look on her face is directed at me.

“Why would they fly you to Springfield for an Executive Assistant’s job downtown?” I say, I've got her attention as I set the cup of coffee down on the coaster. I grab the dishrag to wipe the newly spilled coffee on the tiled floors hoping the white grout doesn't stain.

“What job downtown?”

“The one Helen set up for you. It’s in two weeks. The 15th at 9:00 am? Brownside Industries?” Tammy's look of bewilderment is priceless. 'Two and two' just made four. Her eyes widen.

“I have an interview on the 15th at 10:00 am, but it’s not with that company.”

“Oh… you should probably talk to Helen then.” I'm chuckling, as much as I want to pick up the mug of coffee I think the floor and counter have had their fill, I haven't had a sip yet.

Tammy's on autopilot. She walks the barstool lifts the purse from the seat and puts it on the bar. I recognize my purse immediately. I don’t think she does. She pulls out my phone. “I think I remember asking her to help get me a job lined up if my plans fell through.” I'm about to mention her mistake when, the phone, MY phone rings…

Tammy answers still distracted, "Hello?" She realizes then it's my phone she picked up. “Oh! Hi, mom!” At the word "Mom", coffee or not, I'm pulled out of my morning malaise, and my arms start flailing. Tammy reacts to my arm gestures with a burst of muffled laughter. I’m mouthing the words “I’m not here.”

“Tim? Oh, I haven’t seen him all day.” She grins, “What’s up?” Tammy lowers the phone and puts it on speakerphone.

“Why are you answering his phone then?” The tin-y speaker of my phone projects the voice of our mom into the room. “Oh... Nevermind... Sweetheart, I’ve got some amazing news for you! I’ve got you that interview at Grant Systems. The 15th at 1:30. It’s really important you make a good impression. I’m counting on you, sweetheart.”

“But Mom! I have…”

“Whatever your plans, you are going to cancel them... Right? I’m sure you would do your best to make sure that the interview goes well. I had to pull a few strings to get the interview for you to be Allyson Grant’s assistant. Anyway, I have to find your brother, but now I know why he isn't answering his phone. Would you be a dear and bring it by when you get the chance? Love you!” The call ends.

My jaw drops as I heard Allyson Grant's name. Gathering myself, I say, “Mom got you an interview to be Allyson Grant’s Assistant?”

“Great! Just one more I have to figure out… Who’s Allyson Grant?” Her fingers lacing each other at the crown of her head worried about the third interview. My phone is perched precariously between her thumb and index finger on top of her head. I hold my hand out, palms up, fingers splayed while looking at her over the top of my glasses. She realizes I want my phone back. I must look ridiculous because she bursts into a giggle at my seated pose. "Sorry about that! You know your purse looks an awful lot like mine."

I'm seeing red now. "You can't tell a fake Louis from a real one?" my voice now an octave higher. She's laughing now. "No dear, brother, I don't know which is more disturbing, that YOU can tell the difference or that you PAID for a REAL one." I shake my head, palm to forehead. The blonde strands fall forward and dancing with the movement of my head. It only makes her laugh even more.

I calm down, “I’ve been trying to get an interview with Grant Systems for over a year, and mom just makes a few phone calls and boom! You’ve got an interview with the owner of the company.” I say in utter disbelief.

“What’s so special about Grant Systems?”

“I knew mom hated me! She must have put in a word for YOU just to piss ME off! She knew I was looking for a position there.”

“What’s so special about Grant Systems?” she repeats.

“They’re pioneers in Wearable Technology!”

“So?”

“She got YOU an interview there, and YOU don't even know what they do? GOD! MOM must really hate me!”

Helen opens the front door carrying three bags of groceries. "a little help, please!" I rush over to steady the bags. Pulling two away from Helen. I carry the bags to the kitchen counter.

“Hey! Tim Tam! What's going on my sweets.”

Both of us are giving her the evil eye… Unlike the snack treat, the joke is getting stale.

“I’ve got great news for you! Or did your brother already spill the beans?” Helen says with a smile so bright that it could be seen from orbit.

“Oh! She’s got bigger news… She’s got three interviews for the same day!” I chuckle, jealousy still seething through me.

Chapter 2

“Oh! She’s got bigger news… She’s got three interviews for the same day!” I chuckle, jealousy still seething through me.

“She's what?” Helen looks at the two of us. "Timmy, You're joking!"

Tammy is visibly stressed. “I know I can’t reschedule the one that Mom set up. Helen, is there a chance you could get the other one rescheduled?”

“I’ll try. What’s the other job?” Helen asks.

“Which one?” I say with a smile.

“You’re just loving this, aren’t you?” Tammy’s glare reminds me of the ‘angry cat’ memes. My smile turns into a stuttering giggle that my hand is trying to hold in.

“Well when it rains, it pours!”, I say with a chortle.

Helen’s already on the phone with someone. I think it’s her contact from Brownstone. Helen’s conversation goes from bubbly to disappointed. It ends with “no she’s still interested” and “she’ll be there.”

We already know the result. “Hey, Sis why don’t you…” Tammy holds a finger up, she’s one step ahead. Same result. She hands me back my phone.

“Well, Sis, I think you're screwed…” again the ‘angry cat meme face.' I laugh again, and Helen joins in the laughter.

“So, which interview are you gonna go to?” the question on everyone’s mind jumps from my lips (which are kind of chapped now.)

“Well, it’s not like I can be at two places at once. I’ll take my chances with the one in Springfield.” Tammy announces.

“That’s brave of you, are you going to tell mom or should I?” I say heading over to my purse for some lip balm, I drop my phone in my purse and retrieve my EOS.

Seven expletives later, she takes a seat at the table with her elbow planted on the tabletop. She rests her head in her hands. “I don’t know.” She grabs my cup of coffee and begins to sip it. I shake my head, put away the lip balm and pad to the kitchen to retrieve another mug from the cupboard. Again, I go through the same coffee ritual. Dishrag and all. Helen grabs the mug of coffee as I’m wiping the counter and with a “thanks” walks back to the table to join Tammy.

“Helen, did you make an appointment with Morgan? I can feel my brain cells dying every minute I’m a blonde.” Coffee is now coming out of Helen’s nose, spraying the table with Guatemalan Arabica. I throw the dishrag at her. “Ugh! Timmy, now look at what you made me do!” she yells back.

“Cause I’m a blonde Ya! Yeah! Ya!” I sing bobbing my head from left to right and back again, my loose hair dancing with me. Tammy stares as me for a moment then finally breaks into laughter. “God! I love that baby sis!” she exclaims. I’m stunned. The way she said it. That’s the first time she’s referred to me as her “sister”, or even anything remotely like it.

Helen freezes in the middle of wiping up the spilled coffee and turns her head. She must have noticed Tammy’s outburst it too. A split second later she has a devilish grin on her. Helen doesn’t have to say it… I’m not psychic, but isn’t this a classic sitcom storyline? I know where this is going, but at the very least I’m going to have fun with it.

“Lucy! I know dat looook!” I say with my hand at my hips doing my Ricky Ricardo impression. “The answer is no!” The impression is awful, by the way.

“But Ricky!” Helen’s performing her best impression of Lucille Ball! Helen’s awesome when she plays along!

“I said No!” I respond. Tammy is utterly confused.

“But I didn’t ask you anything.”

“Fine, what is it that you want to ask me?”

“I was going to ask if you could stand in for Tammy…” Again, Tammy is lost, but Helen’s ‘Lucy’ is almost dead on.

“Lucy, I said NO!”

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”, Oh! Helen is hamming it up!

“Mira! Que tiene cosa la mujer esta!” I throw back, staccato. I’m laughing hysterically. Helen is right there with me.

Tammy is looking at us like aliens stole our brains.

We settle down and Tammy’s fit to be tied. “I’m so glad you both are getting a laugh at my expense.”

“Sorry sis! I couldn’t resist.”

“You know you could pass for Tammy right?” Helen says matter of factly.

“You’re joking!” Tammy replies.

“No, I’d probably hang myself if I had to wear anything calico, a cardigan and mary janes. No offense sis.”

“Oh! How can I possibly be offended by that?” sarcasm is not her strong suit. “Besides, you know nothing about me.”

“I know everything about you…” I retort. There’s ‘that angry cat’ meme again.

“Oh really?”

“Yup!”

“What’s my favorite…”

“Turquoise.” I cut her off. I’m not sure her brows can get closer than they are right now.

“Who’s my fav…”

“Ryan Reynolds and for comedy Mike Myers and by the way, Ewww!”

“Who was my first…”

“Eric Sullivan, eight grade, behind the gym, after third period.”

“You knew about that?!?!?”

“Seriously? All your friends gossiped about you!”

“Well, that doesn’t mean you can be me…” Tammy is laying down the gauntlet.

I take a deep breath… Helen knows what’s coming… She can barely contain herself even though she’s seen it a million times. My impression of Tammy…

“Hi! I’m Tammy Sterling, I’m 24 years old, I was a marketing major at State, with a 3.9GPA and am really interested in working for Brownstone Industries as an Assistant to your Graphic Design staff. I can really do a wonderful job as an Assistant, and I know that I can help take your company to the next level. I’m familiar with Illustrator, Publisher, Photoshop, and my portfolio is blah blah blah…” I finish with my toothy grin.

Tammy’s jaw just hit the floor. “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that?!?!?”

I finally glance over at Helen who is on the floor rolling with laughter. She’s clutching her chest doubled over with pain from the laughter. She settles down. “You know not a day goes by without the ‘Tammy Sterling’ impression! You know Tim does a better you than, well you!”

“It’s perfect… Really creepy and disturbing, but absolutely perfect…” Tammy’s shaking her head

“Wait!” I yell out, “You should see Helen’s impression of me!”.

“Sorry, we’ve got to head over to the Salon. Why don’t you come with?” Helen says to Tammy.

“Yeah! That would be fun. We can turn that chestnut mop of yours into something gorgeous. Besides, you’re going to need to get your hair done for the interview; right?” I add.

“So you’re okay with it?”

“Sure! We’ll have fun the three of us!” I say walking over to my overnight bag for some clothes. “Just let me get a shower in.” I grab my toiletries and head into the bathroom.

“You know she’s really awesome,” Tammy says to Helen.

“Yeah, I know,” Helen says as she walks to the sink with the two mugs.

“Do you think she’ll go through with it?” Tammy asks.

“Maybe,” Helen says placing the mug in the dish rack.

“You know sometimes she’s a pain in the ass, but she really has a good heart,” Tammy adds.

“You know that’s the third time in a row you referred to your brother as ‘her’?

“I did? Oh you know what I mean.”

You know it’s just Tim being Tim right?” Helen looks over at Tammy who is now deep in thought.

“Yeah, Tim being Tim.”

I emerge from the bathroom towel with around my waist and another towel a turban for my hair. Helen takes a look at me shakes her head as I walk into Tammy’s room to get changed. I’m out of feminine attire, and so guy clothes will have to do. Well, that and I wasn’t kidding about killing myself rather than wear anything in Tammy’s closet. How many cardigans can someone own?

Tammy realizes I’m in her room and yells, “Do you need something to wear?”

I imagine Helen’s look of derision, It’s the same one on my face too. “No, I’ll manage.” I’m back to boxers, I slip on my navy Dockers and a t-shirt. I slide my feet into my dress socks then into a pair of loafers. I walk out looking for my Oxford. It’s a casual day. We’re going to the Salon after all.

The look shocks Tammy. “Wait! Aren’t you going as Tina?” She asks, more confused than ever.

“No, we’re just going to the salon.” For me, it’s just hair, and I’m not going to put my face on until we have to leave for the event tonight.

Tammy looks over at Helen. “And you’re okay with this?” Again the look of derision from both of us. “Sure, as long as Tina cleans up for tonight, what do I care?”

“It’s just, I thought you were going to be Tina for the day.” Tammy remarks.

“You sound disappointed sis? Why?” I ask.

“Oh, no reason… it’s just… I don’t get to… never mind… let's go.”

I hold the door. I get a stare from Tammy a bit as Helen walks out. Tammy is more subdued as passes me. Her face is less animated than earlier this morning. I shut off the lights, close the door, and use my key to lock it.

Chapter 3

We don't have enough time for coffee, I'd even settle for a 'ground-up brick' in hot water right now, or maybe Starbucks. I'm still dragging my feet. Morgan is great and I wanted to make sure that she was the one that would color me back to brunette. That's why I agreed to a 9:00 am appointment. I walk in and she gives me a hug, then does the same to Helen. Tammy is behind us looking a bit nervous. I'm not sure how many times my sister, Tammy, has actually been to a salon. If you've never actually laid eyes on her, the lone bottle of generic, baby shampoo in her shower, is all you really need to know. Helen, Tammy's roommate, wasn't kidding when she said that I made a 'better Tammy, than Tammy'. I may be wired that way, but I'm not plumbed that way.

Morgan's Salon has, what we all lovingly refer to as, an 'emergency room.' It’s private and has a lock on the door along with anything and everything Morgan needs to fix hair disasters. She finally ushers me into the solitary room to take a good look at the damage. Helen's guilt-has her following behind me. Tammy stays behind, the room isn't large enough for all of us. Morgan still needs enough room to work.

Morgan props up a segment of hair and pushes her glasses to the tip of her nose. "Hmmm, I don't think it's going to hold any color." I begin to glare at Helen. "This doesn't look like the work of any of my girls." She adds. "Who did this to you?"

I crane my neck towards Helen. "She thought it would be fun to turn my beautiful rosewood hair blonde." Helen’s eyes are cast downward. "Well, the best thing I can do is cut it short and you can just let it grow out." I'm beside myself. Morgan sees the look on my face. I'm guessing it is somewhere between 'my puppy just died' and 'MY BEST FRIEND RUINED MY GORGEOUS HAIR!'.

Morgan continues, "Your choices are long, blonde and over processed or something short and sassy but still blonde.” I know it’s pointless to seek a 'second opinion'. My eyes gaze back at Helen for some advice. Her eyes are still cast at the floor. I sigh, "cut it." I say with a sad and somber voice. Morgan sighs, "Have a seat. I'll make it quick."

"Wait! What about the interviews?" Helen reminds me. "Can we at least get it to Tammy's length and TRY some color?" Helen quickly recounts the plot for Morgan.

"It’s going to look like straw, but we'll give it a shot." Morgan remarked. "Do you really want me to make you look like her?" Morgan was dumbstruck. Morgan’s the genius that made my gender bending into an art form. I’m sure she was aghast that I would try to look anything like my sister who is seated in her waiting room.

"Well we thought you'd make them look alike. You saw my roommate out there. Why don't we see what we can do with Tim here and bring Tammy to match?"

Morgan brings one of her girls into the room then points her to Tammy. The other stylist closes her eyes, shakes her head and is off to work with Tammy. Morgan works with my hair. Tammy and I emerge 3 hours later with the same hair but not much else. The color is a bit light for me but Tammy is in love with her hair. It's nice to see her take pride in the way she looks. I think she's got the bookishness and I got the narcissism. Familial traits anecdotally, and I’m positive, people with alphabet soup at the end of their names would probably correct me.

Tammy is more animated because of her hair and I'm just happy to be anything but blonde. We're off for some shopping. It must be a strange sight. A guy and a girl, same hair, different clothing. It's always been fun blurring the gender lines. I don't think Tammy appreciates it much. The double takes make me and Helen burst into fits of laughter. We're walking with Tammy on one side of Helen and me on the other. Every now and again Helen catches me in lock step following Tammy's gestures to the letter. She gives me a shove here and there and we break out into laughter. Tammy looks at us like a mother who’s at her wits end with her children.

Walking in to shops for business wear for my sister is interesting. Obviously, I would need the same. The high end stores in town already know who I am. I'm a regular, if not a frequent customer. They are shock to see Tammy though, wondering if I've been hiding my twin from them. "It does explain why you come here often." one shop owner remarked with a smile. "Now if only I can get her to wear them." I say with a smile doing the show and tell arm gestures at my sister. There's that angry cat meme face again! Helen is just drinking it all in. At any moment she's ready to burst into laughter. We collect the attire we've chosen, my treat of course. And we're off.

We return to the apartment late in the afternoon. Tammy's had enough of her two 'kids', schleps herself into her room and closes the door behind her. I think I heard the thud of the headboard hitting the wall as she plopped down on her bed.

"You two are so different." remarked Helen. "You know if you switched places, you both would actually be 'normal'.

"Are you saying I'm too girly?" I say looking through my purse trying to cull out the unnecessary items to lighten it up. "You know I have to keep reminding myself that you are a guy sometimes." she says with a flash of a smile. "I've never asked, but why do you keep switching back and forth?" Helen's never this direct. "Where's this going?" I'm now more guarded. "I understand exploring gender lines, but how long are you going to keep this going?" "Why should I stop?" my voice and tone less jovial. "Don't you want a normal life? You can't keep this up forever."

"Why not! I've got everything I want!" I say with a smile.

"For now, but will that always be the case?"

"Why wouldn’t it. I have my own home, an awesome best friend, family that loves me and can look great in a size 4 or a size 38."

"What about starting a life?"

"What life? I've got a great one going."

"A family? I've never seen you date. You've shot down all the guys that ask you out and all the girls you approach end up as girl friends and not girlfriends. Don't you want more?"

"What I want-Is to check out the fall line-up with my best friend." Helen gives me a defeated look. She shrugs her shoulders and begins to walk to her room. "Well then I'll see you back here at 7? I think you still need to get ready too."

Tammy's at the threshold of her room. She's in her comfy wear. Sweatpants, cami and a cardigan. The thought runs through my head 'We bought you a few new outfits why are you wearing those?' I stop myself thinking it's something mom would say.

"What was that about?" Tammy asks as she leans on the doorway, arms crossed.

I think I got the " ' You should grow up already lecture' from Helen." She pours it over in her mind. "Y'know you should start thinking about your future"

"Oh! Not you too!"

"Aren't you going to get a job? What about a family? Have you thought about any of that?"

I roll my eyes. "My home is paid off and my car for that matter. I've got zero debt and I have the two of you... What else do I need? You all think I should have more when, let's face it, you both don't."

"But we are working to get it. You're not even trying."

"I have to get ready for tonight." I grab my purse and my overnight bag. "I'll be back by 7 to pick-up Helen. Do you want to grab some dinner with us beforehand then drop us off? You can have the car for the evening. We can take a cab home."

"No, I think I'll have a nice quiet night at home this evening. We still need to plan out everything for the interviews. Oh! Remember mom still wanted to talk to you about something. Your hair is semi-normal and so there's no excuse now."

Great! I love mom but sometimes I don't think I can handle another round of "Where's your life going."

The evening goes off without much fanfare, though it does give me some ideas. The morning after I check the market pour through the mass emails of facts, figures, journals & periodicals. I mine the "socials" for info and trends and make a few trades and I'm ready for the day.

I sigh, as I get into my car and head over to Tammy's. We get started on the plan for the interviews. We're pouring through her resume and her experience. We look through some of the projects she's worked on and I see how much effort she's put into her career. She was hired as an intern then promoted as an assistant with now defunct marketing firm. She finds herself having to start over competing against kids who are more adept at social media than she ever was. It wasn't her personality to be social, let alone entangle herself in the web of the "Social".

Chapter 4

Everything that followed happened in rapid succession. For the next two weeks, I became much more in tune with Tammy's life. Why she so loves the books she reads, and why she kept her life so Spartan. There's a calm about her life that I'm now beginning to enjoy myself. I have to admit tearing myself away from the superficial forced me to enjoy the simpler things. I understood more why that seems to satisfy her. I've never had such a closeness with her. Helen can no longer tell us apart from our mannerisms to our clothing. Right up to the day we dropped Tammy off at the airport, we were almost inseparable.

The plan was simple. Tammy would fly off to Springfield the day before the interviews and get settled. The time difference meant my 9:00am and her 10:00am interviews coincided. Literally, two places at once. I would attend both the morning interview that Helen arranged and then the afternoon interview which Mom arranged. Helen, who has the day off, will work as a ‘go between’ to keep me and Tammy up to date on the interviews and what was said just in case any follow-up calls or questions. What could possibly go wrong?

On the morning of the interviews, I leave from my condo dressed in my silk sleeveless blouse, a midnight blue blazer, and a matching pencil skirt. Louboutins and my Louie are the only items I wear that are not custom made. I keep the jewelry to a minimum, my pearlmaster peaks just below my cuffs, a diamond solitaire adorns my neck and I wear half carats stud earrings.

The receptionist greets me and asks for me to wait in the lobby. I’m about to sit down when a young man walks towards me. “Tammy? I thought it was you.” I freeze. The young man is in his mid-twenties. He would either have worked with Tammy or went to school with her. He’s dressed in a well cut, navy blue suit, which maybe a Boss knockoff. His attire means he works here or the company is his client. Tammy rarely dated so I know he wasn’t an ex.

“I’m sorry but I’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Where do I know you from?” “Oh, I’m sorry, of course you must meet tons of people. I’m Scott Ward. We met at Core Health?” Core Health was a growing company in the field of medical devices. Tammy worked under the lead marketing exec to design their investor information packet. Scott had been one of the Associates at Core Health that helped provide the facts and figures for the brochures.

“Of course, Are you still working for Core Health?” I ask.

His smile is infectious; I’m smiling widely as well. “No, I’ve since moved on. I am with Brownstone now. We’re looking for an Assistant to the Lead designer here. You look exquisite!” All of a sudden, I get a bit nervous with his gaze upon me. “Are you here for me? Ummm the position… Assistant job… I mean.” He seems to be as nervous as me. I get flushed.

“Yes, am I with you?” I’m as red as a tomato now. “I… am I to interview under you? With you… With you, I mean.” We both begin to laugh.

“Let’s start over.” he says. I agree.

“Are you here for the interview Ms. Sterling? It is Miss Sterling isn’t it?”

“Yes, on both counts” oh! he’s just… yummy… “Is the interview with you?”

“Yes, actually.”

“Wonderful, I’m ready to go do you…with you.., go with you, I mean.” What is wrong with me! The temperature of the room just jumped 10 degrees.

“Please come with me.”

He leads me to a room with a lone computer. He asks me to sit, tells me about the screening exercise. A typing test, a Q&A, and writing sample. I move the mouse and I am greeted by the lock screen requiring a login. He leans over me as I steal a whiff of his cologne as his hands move from the mouse to the keyboard. He gently lifts my hands, feeling my skin and begins to move my hands away. He leans in a bit closer as I tilt my head away to make room for him. I’ve never felt my heart beat so loudly in my life. He keys in the password and withdraws. Half an hour later, He returns, I’m proofreading my writing sample. His hands are on my shoulders now. “I believe the time is up Miss Sterling. Would you follow me?”

He’s breaking a million harassment rules and I really don’t care, he’s still yummy. He leads me into another room. Cindy, the personnel administrator begins the interview and I answer question after question while my mind is still on Scott. I must have been very distracted. The interview ends with a ‘handshake and smile’ after which I walk out. Scott catches up to me in the parking lot.

“Tammy!” I hear his voice as I’m opening the door to my car. “Scott? Was there something more?”

“I ummm wanted to… I think I behaved a bit… If you think I was coming on a bit strong there…”

“You did, but at least you’re trying to make up for it.” I coo back as I’m hanging my blazer and placing it in my car. I turn to face him again. I return his smile with one of my own. His eyes sparkle from the sunlight. His hair black, a fade, though his chin shows a bit of stubble which I imagine he prefers. He’s too well put together for him to neglect a shave. My mind is in a fog as he slides his hand to my shoulder sliding my blouse back from where the blazer had shifted it. A bold move, I’m not sure why I didn’t pull away. My phone buzzes, it startles me and I’m thrust back into reality. Scott backs away, I think you may need to take that. I turn and move to my purse on the driver’s seat and fish out my phone. It’s Helen.

I look over to Scott. “I do need to take this call, but thank you for… well… thank you.” He smiles turns and walks back towards the building. A bit disappointed that he didn’t ask me for my number. I answer the phone. Helen chirps back, “So how’d it go?”

I’m watching Scott go back into the building. “Dreamy…”

“What? Tim, how did the interview go?”

The spell is broken, “I think it went well, he seemed to like me, Tammy, I mean.”

“Are you alright? You sound a bit ‘off’”

“I’m… I’m fine. The interview went well. What’s up?”

“Hey, I got a call from Tammy. The interviewer from this afternoon wants to bump it up to 11:00am can you do that? I look at the delicate watch on my wrist. “It’s a bit of a squeeze, but I think I can make it.”

“Okay, Grant Systems, at 11. Since you should be done at noon do you wanna have lunch?

“Sure! how about you head over to my place?”

“Great, my key still work?”

“It should. I’ll call you when I’m done?”

“Good luck with the interview!”

Call waiting has Tammy on the line. “Hey girl! I just got an earful from Mom! Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“I figured it could wait until after the interviews.”

“No, you’ve been ducking her for more than two weeks! What’s going on?” Her voice almost angry.

“I think she wanted me to interview with a small research company downtown. I wasn’t really interested, but you know how Mom is.”

“Well could you please give her a call. I want her off my back.”

“How’d your interview go?”

“Oh I think I’m a shoe in for the job!” Tammy’s tone is more elated. “But you should still go to the interview with Grant. Did Helen tell you about the change?”

“Yes, I’m on my way now.”

“Okay I won’t keep you! Thanks again for all this!”

“You owe me sis!”

“Okay” she chuckles “I’m sure it will all even out at the end. Love you Sis! Bye!”

“Love you too, Sis!”

I drive over to Grant Systems. Portfolio in hand, just in case, I wanted them to see Tammy’s work. I’m proud of her and showing her work would be perfect.

After navigating the labyrinth, I get my chance to meet Allyson Grant. Owner of Grant Systems. I’m in awe. At times I find myself answering from my background rather than Tammy’s. I think the nerves have gotten to me and the cracks in my “Tammy” façade are beginning to show. Mrs. Grant loves some of my ideas and suggest that I may be better suited in her design department. I assure her that I want to be her assistant. Then the bombshell…

“I appreciate you taking an earlier interview, Miss Sterling. Your mother’s very proud of you. In truth, we are looking to hire for the Design department. Though you say you want to be my assistant I hope you would reconsider. We do have one applicant for the position. A Timothy Sterling? Are you two related?”

“Ummm… he’s my brother. I remark.’

“Well, He’s accepted the interview at 1:30 and if he’s anything like you…”

My mind racing to put together the pieces of how I would have an interview at 1:30 and more importantly how I would top myself with that interview.

“Oh one more thing, I’m meeting your mother for lunch - you should join us.”

“Wouldn’t it be unfair to the other candidates?” I’m trying to worm my way out gracefully.

“Non-sense there are no other candidates. Join us I insist!”

“Oh one more thing, I’m meeting your mother for lunch - you should join us.”

“Wouldn’t it be unfair to the other candidates?” I’m trying to worm my way out gracefully.

“Non-sense there are no other candidates. Join us I insist!”

Chapter 5

"Of course Ms. Grant. I would love to join you!" Panic sets in. There is an interview for Tim in an hour and a half. I'm booked with lunch for the next hour or more with the woman I'm to interview with and my mother. I have no chance to change out of my disguise. I have spent the last hour dressed as my sister; interviewing on her behalf for a job for which I find out, Tim, is a candidate. This is the part of the sitcom where the character has a choice of either come clean, or go for broke with another, yet more bizarre plan. Lucy?

My phone buzzes. It's Helen on the other end. I hope she knows to play along.

"Hi Tim!" I say to Helen. "Are you all set for the 1:30 interview at Grant Systems? Have you had a chance to speak with 'Ethyl'? about that costume in the closet?"

"Ummm, yes Tammy, she had it cleaned and placed in your closet; right?" Helen had played the male version of me last year on Halloween. Another story for another time. Her impression of me was dead on, almost as much as my impression of Tammy. Helen's hair is about as long as mine was before the blonde and subsequent trim two weeks ago. Her hair is more of a raven color. The logistics are a mess, hiding her breasts was another, her lack of info on my background was a serious problem. I'd need to fill her in on the interview detail somehow during lunch. I spent two weeks learning about Tammy. Helen's got less than an hour to get up to speed on me.

"Tammy do you have time to meet for lunch?"

"No sorry Tim, I'm having lunch with Ms. Grant and Mom of all people."

"I see."

"Oh, I made copies of your resume and put them on the desk drawer in the study. Good luck with the interview." I hope she's a quick study. I would owe her a kidney if she could pull this off.

Ms. Grant finishes gathering her things and shutting down her computer. We're off. Her chauffer drops us off at a wonderful gastropub that opened off the river downtown. It's elegant and I'm relieved that my attire is more than appropriate for the setting. Mom's already seated and greets Ms. Grant. The knowing look on my mom's face would be absolutely priceless, if I didn't know I would be paying for this later. "Tamera! Look at you young lady. You've never look better." Mom's 'fake excited' reaction was all the confirmation I need. "So how did my little girl do? I'm sure she met all of your expectations?"

"More than that I was impressed by her knowledge of our product line and her design ideas." Ms. Grant. "In fact I was hoping she would consider a position in our design department instead."

"Is that so? I didn't know you had the same gift for design as your brother, Tim. Where is he by the way? I've been trying to contact him for weeks?"

"My mother should have been an interrogator with the Pentagon or at least Homeland Security. She could break even the hardest detainee. They had waterboards, my mom has her wits.

"If you will excuse me, I have to visit the powder room." I say as I stand which slides my chair backwards.

"Hold on Tamera, I'll join you." The lump in my throat threatens to choke me at any moment.

"Please excuse us." my mother, calm as a reflecting pool says as we walk towards the ladies’ room. We reach the lounge inside and the calm, serene, façade drops and “pissed momma” emerges. “What the hell are you doing? Where’s Tamera and why haven’t you been returning my calls.”

“Ummm.”

“Choose your next few words carefully young lady!”

“Ummm.”

“I’m waiting. And don’t you dare start crying!”

She’s good. “I…”

“Don’t you dare lie to me either!”

She’s really good. I’ve never been on the business end of mom’s third degree but she’s busted me three times without me uttering more than a single word. “I’m interviewing as Tammy. She couldn’t make it.”

“Good start, continue.”

“She was double booked for an interview.”

“Why didn’t she say anything?”

“I don’t know”

“Lie number one! Would you like to start over?”

“You asked her to change her plans and she really wanted the other position instead. The interviews were the same day.”

“Who’s idea was this deception?”

“Mine and Helen”

“Where’s Tamera?”

“Springfield”

“Did you think you would get away with all this?”

“Yes.” Trick question, answering ‘no’ would have been a lie.

“Is this why you have been avoiding my calls?

“No. it’s the same reason Tammy didn’t want to tell you about her other interview.”

“How did you expect to attend the interview at 1:30 and how long did you think you could keep this deception going?”

“Helen was to take my place” My mom’s eyes narrow… “We were hoping Tammy would get either of the other two jobs and be able to turn down this one.”

"You knew Tamera was up for the Assistant position, yet you took it a bit farther, angling for a position for the design department. I'm sure you didn't know about the 1:30 interview I had set up for you. You never returned my calls. I want an honest answer from you. If Ms. Grant offered you, as Tamara, not Tim, the position in the design department. Would you have taken it as Tamara?"

"She offered, I turned it down."

"On Tamera's behalf. I’ll ask it this way then. I know you already want the position. If the position was offered only to Tina or only to Tim, who would accept?"

It was the first time my own mother mentioned the name 'Tina'; much less directed at me. Her question was 'which life would I choose if one had to end?'. I lower my head, "I don't actually know."

“Then you are not ready for such a position.”

“I’ve taught you to deal with the consequences of your actions. Here they are. You are going to march in there and confess to Ms. Grant.”

I walk back to the table and proceed to confess the plot to Ms. Grant. That ended any hope of joining the company.

“Well, I’m sorry to say that I will no longer consider you or your sister as candidates for employment with my company. I wish you well in your career elsewhere.” Ms. Grant leaves and I sit there quietly with my mother.

"How did you know I wasn't Tammy?"

"Tina, sweetheart, Tamara doesn't wear diamonds to an interview or a Rolex for that matter. She doesn't even carry a mirror in her purse, let alone anything that would fill it. Tamera is simple, timeless and reserved. You, my prodigal daughter, are elegant, refined, and opulent."

“I think I’m going to go home now mother. I don’t think I have much of an appetite after that."

“I understand baby,”

Part of me wants to yell at her for ruining my chances with Ms. Grant. Part of me also wants to blame her for raising us in an environment where we would have to stoop to such levels to seek what we wish. Instead, I collect my purse and Tammy’s portfolio and walk out of the restaurant.

I place a call to Helen to tell her what happened with Ms. Grant and my mother.

“She did that to you? That was really cruel!”

I take a cab back to my car at Grant Systems and drive back to my condo. Helen’s there waiting for me as I walk into my place. “I thought you might need a friend.” I burst into tears as she hurries towards me with a consoling hug.

“It’s okay.” She coos.

My phone rings. It's Tammy. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! How can you have lunch with mom! You knew she would figure it out! I got yelled at because you had to go out to lunch and blow everything!"

"I'm sorry. It..."

"And what's all this about her telling me not to be too hard on my 'sister' and that 'she' has already had a rough day? Wait! Have you been crying?"

"Mom made me fill Ms. Grant in on the whole story. I lost my chance at being interviewed for the design position that I wanted." I'm on the edge of tears again.

"Wow! That's cruel, even for her! Look, I know how much you wanted that. I'm sorry, I didn't think that... How about we talk more about this when I get back. Is Helen with you?"

"She's here."

"Good. I'll see you when I get back?"

"Uh huh", is all I can manage.

"Wow! That's cruel, even for her! Look, I know how much you wanted that. I'm sorry, I didn't think that... How about we talk more about this when I get back. Is Helen with you?"

"She's here."

"Good. I'll see you when I get back?"

"Uh huh", is all I can manage.

Chapter 6

Helen and I spent the evening in my condo drowning my sorrows in ice cream. It was no great loss to Tammy that she was no longer a candidate for the position as Ms. Grant's assistant. It was rather devastating to me that I was no longer a viable candidate for employment at Grant Systems. It would have been an absolute dream to be able to work with those designers there who would mix technology with fashion.

Ice cream, wine, and popcorn are a really bad combination. It's all I had in my condo. Neither of us could muster the energy to go out for dinner. Instead, we stayed in and streamed I Love Lucy episodes. Helen borrowed one of my velour track suits and I donned my t-shirt and silk boxers. As I emerged from my bathroom Helen, already snuggled in my bed looks over at me and says. "Tina, you really should invest in a comfy set of pj's."

I look at her, "you know Tammy said the same thing to me. These are comfy." I climb into bed with Helen.

"Wow! I never thought I'd ever get Tim Sterling to come to bed with me."

"What? I crash at your place all the time."

"Yes and whenever you do, you crash as Tina. Haven't you ever noticed that?"

"Not really, I just figured we always come home too late for me to change back. So I change in the morning. I never thought you noticed."

"I just thought that it was odd that it was always Tina that spent the night and not Tim."

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You know you never answered my question.”

“What question?”

“Why you keep switching back and forth?”

“Mom asked if I could choose, which would remain.”

“Have you thought about talking about it with someone? Professionally, I mean?”

“I never saw it as a problem.”

“Tammy told me what you were like before, you know.”

A cold sweat rolls through me. “What did she tell you?”

“She told me enough to be worried when you get like this.”

“Is this why Tammy always asks me to stay with you while she’s away? So that you can keep an eye on me?”

Her eyes pooling with tears, she doesn’t have to answer. “She worries and so do I that…”

“I’m not that scared little kid anymore!”

“you wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t a problem!”

“Look, I have the two of you! Both of you keep me grounded.”

“You deserve more! You deserve someone who loves you as much as we do and maybe even more. Someone that you actually open up to, not just joke with, someone that can share both in your joy and in your pain.”

“I love you, but that hasn’t been enough and with you losing one more of your dreams… I…” her pangs of sorrow overwhelm her. I pull her into me with an embrace. We both cry ourselves to sleep.

I’m awaken by a phone call in the morning. “Ms. Sterling?” The voice begins before I can manage a ‘hello’.

I launch into my Tammy voice. “Speaking, may I ask who is calling?”

“This is Katherine, at Omega Marketing? My supervisor asked me to give you a call. We couldn’t reach you on your home number. I remember you calling me on this line to reschedule your interview. I’m so glad we were able to get a hold of you. We wanted to make sure you are alright.”

“Well I appreciate that, if you don’t mind, this seems a bit unorthodox is there something wrong?”

“No, nothing is wrong now that we have been able to contact you. We were worried when one of our staff members noticed your flight itinerary.”

“My flight itinerary?” panic overwhelms me.

“It’s a real tragedy, but I’m so glad you are alright.”

“Yes, I am, thank you for calling.”

The browser on my phone takes an eternity to load. I shriek in horror as I see the headline. It wakes Helen from her slumber. The room doesn’t seem real anymore, it all darkens. I hear a call in the darkness, but I can’t respond, “Tina? What’s wrong? Tina? Tim? TIM!”

I’m in, what feels like, my kitchen, at the same time its not. I’m getting my bearing when a young girl runs towards me and begins hugging my thigh. “Mommy! Joey hit me!” a young girl pleads with me to step in. She’s familiar, A sense of frustration comes over me.

“Joey!” no answer, I call out again. My third, a full ‘mom yell’, “Joseph Erin McCall! You get yourself in here at once! Footsteps and a young boy emerges, a look of guilt on his face. He’s adorable and mine and well it’s impossible to stay angry. “What’s your side of the story?” I breathe out. It feels like I’ve been through this hundreds of times.

The young boy looks to the ceiling. He’s going to lie to me. I sense it from his body language. “Joseph, before you say one word. If you lie to mommy it will be much worse than if you tell me the truth.” Kelly, the young girl whose arms are around my thigh moves slightly. My eyes don’t move from my son. “Kelly, honey, taunting your brother can get you punished, remember?” The shift in the weight on my leg is familiar, Kelly’s looking up at me. “I’m serious young lady. Now Joseph, what is your side of the story.”

“Well… Kelly was…”

Ugh! I cut off, what would be ‘the long narrative’. “Joey, did you hit your sister?” A monosyllabic “yes”. “At the time, were you having fun or were you mad?” The same body language, he’s going to lie to me again.

“I was mad.”

“Lie number 1, do you want to start again?” Oh my God! I’ve turned into my mother. That revelation disappoints me.

“I was playing with the bean bags and one of them got away from me”

“Baby, mixing a lie in with the truth is still a lie.”

A stunned look comes over his face. I know that look, It’s that moment when you think your mom is psychic. “Were you aiming for your sister?” He looks down at the ground; “yes”. “Your bean bags get put away for the day. Kelly, your dessert goes to Joey for taunting him. Had you done nothing, Joey would have been the only one punished. Am I clear?” A stereo “yes, mommy” They begin to walk away.

“Did I say that you two can go?” Both freeze in their tracks and turn back at me. I’m waiting for them to figure it out. Joey’s been through this a number of times before. He turns to Kelly. “I’m sorry for throwing the bean bag at you.” Taking a cue from her brother Kelly apologizes as well. I give an exasperated sigh and say, “you two can go.”

I take my tea cup and saucer from the table to the sink. I close my eyes, thankful for just a moment worth of peace. The kids will be on good behavior until, well, they remember they’re kids and the cycle begins again.

I wake up, I’m in a room, its dark. The familiar smell of antiseptic and alcohol. I know immediately where I am. I’ve been here before. Younger, but not young enough that the memory of this place as faded. I look over. Monitors cast enough light in the room to make some items distinct. There’s a chair, with a figure cloaked in black, it looks like death. My eye’s focus in the darkness. Helen. She’s asleep.

A nurse doing her rounds notices I’m awake. “Tina, it’s good to have you with us.” She whispers. “how do you feel sweetheart?”

“How long?” I ask. The normal question is “where am I”, sadly I already know that answer.

“Three days”

“And Tammy?”

“I should let the doctor know you’re awake.”

“She was on the plane.” Helen’s voice, a sad whisper trying not to cry.

I can’t cry. I know that whatever drugs they have me on, keeps that from happening.

“Miss Sterling?” a older man enters the room. The lab coat over the sport coat and slacks suggests not a person that deals with physical ailments. “I’m Dr. Everett, you can call me Ruben. I have been assigned to your case.”

“I assume that a full workup has been made of me?”

“It has.”

“Tests are normal?”

“Yes, but we are waiting on a few more.”

“Can I go home after that?”

“I’m afraid that decision has to be made by the one handling your affairs.”

“Excuse me? I’m an adult, I handle my affairs.”

“I think you should speak with your mother.”

“She had me declared unfit?”

“The conservatorship papers were filed yesterday.” Helen responds.

I feel betrayed. “And you know this because you provided one of the affidavits.” I not bothering to hide my disappointment.

“She said I needed to do it, to keep you safe, and so that she could handle your affairs. I panicked. I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Tina, darling, I’m so glad you are awake. I asked them to give me a call the moment you were conscious”

“No games mother, just tell me what I need to do to get my life back.”

“I’ve lost one daughter; I’m not losing you too…”

“The conservatorship papers were filed yesterday.” Helen responds.

I feel betrayed. “And you know this because you provided one of the affidavits.” I not bothering to hide my disappointment.

“She said I needed to do it, to keep you safe, and so that she could handle your affairs. I panicked. I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Tina, darling, I’m so glad you are awake. I asked them to give me a call the moment you were conscious”

“No games mother, just tell me what I need to do to get my life back.”

“I’ve lost one daughter; I’m not losing you too…”

Chapter 7

My mom now has control over my life. It seemed like a long time coming. Parents want the best for their children; right?

"I've been here before and have made my way out, I didn't try to hurt myself. Not like the last time. So how do I get out?"

"You choose."

"Oh? and what am I choosing between? Tim or Tina? Boy or girl? Son or Daughter?"

"You choose to accept help and move forward with your life or you choose to stay stuck in whatever limbo you've been for the last 14 years."

"That's it?" I say skeptically.

"Do you think I'm... crazy?"

"I think that you have been stuck between Tim and Tina so long that it's become 'normal' for you."

"So this IS a choice between Tim and Tina."

"You're holding on to one for the sake of the other."

"Tell me mother, which way gets me out of here and I'll do that."

"I said the choice was between seeking help or not. I hope you find peace as one or the other, but you've never sought help for why you need both."

"I have all my faculties; I can challenge the conservatorship in court."

"You can fight me. I have control over your finances. Helen is one of the people that signed the affidavit and you have no one else close enough to you to champion your cause."

Checkmate. My mother has me over a barrel. I sit smoldering at my lack of viable options.

"My request is simple and very reasonable."

I look at her trying to find anything I can use to change her mind.

"I've already lost Tammy."

"How do you know you haven't already lost me too?"

"I don't, I've taught you to deal with the consequences of your actions. Losing you may be a consequence of my actions. The reality is that while Tammy was taken from me; it would be your decision to walk away from me."

I look over at Helen. She's sobbing either from losing Tammy or what has transpired with me; perhaps both.

I lay back in bed staring that the ceiling. "Thank you, Mrs. Sterling, I'll consider your offer. I'd like to be alone now." I close my eyes, and listen for the footsteps to leave the room.

Over the next few hours, I stew like a spoil child who decided that the tantrum didn't work and that the silent treatment would be the next best thing.

A smell of roses enters the room. A bouquet. I imagine they are from Helen. I haven't look to see whose footsteps entered the room. Then the sound of a vase being place on the nightstand. She must have got permission. They generally don't allow vases in the room. Then her voice. "Please talk to me." Helen pleads. It must be hard on her, missing Tammy. The thought did cross my mind to respond with an impression of Tammy. I'm sure the pain of that would drive her from the room. I look over. The bouquet of pink and yellow roses brings a smile to my face. "They're lovely, thank you." I draw in the fragrance hoping it, for a moment, would mask the sterile smell of the hospital.

"How are you feeling?" she asks.

I want to say that I feel betrayed and alone. I want to say how much her siding with my mother hurts. I want to say how I miss my sister. I want to say how much I miss our friendship even more. All I can manage is a curt, "Fine."

"Okay", the disappointment in her voice is almost unbearable.

Whatever mood altering medication they have me on is beginning to wear off. I feel my emotions coming back. I feel less... Well, I feel more, anyway.

"Morgan and the girls say 'hi', they haven't seen you in a while. I told them that you were in the middle of a few projects and would be by to see them when you could."

"Thank you for not telling them I'm in here."

"How about we have a girl’s night out when I get out of here. You know, clubs, champagne, dancing?"

"I can't, I can barely cover the rent on the apartment by myself. I'm probably going to find another place to live. It hurts too much being there. All of her stuff..." She breaks down again. "I'm sorry, it's just been so hard. God! and you still look so much like her."

It's hard seeing her like this.

"Lucy!" my Ricky Ricardo impression, "maybe you should see a physio-chi-o-trix?"

She looks at me. "What?"

"A physio-chi-o-trix? You know a head doctor?"

The episode enters her head and she begins to smile. "But, Ricky!!! I don't wanna see a physio-chi-o-trix!"

We both laugh... "You know, if you keep this up you can have a bed right next to mine!"

Helen stops laughing and stares at me.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“I had lunch with my contact at Brownstone yesterday. Apparently, you made an impression on one of their junior executives.”

“Oh really? I can’t imagine what you are talking about.” I say coyly. My blush betrays me though.

“Really? So you don’t remember a dark haired fellow with a chiseled jaw and just a hint of stubble?”

“Nope, no recollection at all.” I shake my head

She holds her phone up to me with his photo and number on her contact list.

“Oh well!”

My eyes widen.

“Since he REALLY didn’t make THAT much of an impression on you, I should delete his number then.” She says as she swipes the display on her phone to ‘delete contact?’

“Don’t you dare!” I grimace immediately after saying it.

“So… Scott Ward… huh?” She says with a grin.

I sigh and let my guard down. “You’ve seen him. I’d be crazy not to.”

“Well, you’re in the right place for it! Oh sorry! I…”

“I deserved that.”

“So are you ready to get out of here?”

“Mom put you up to this didn’t she?”

“I don’t know what you are talking about at all.” She says with a grin.

“Fine! You win…”

I had thought I had put the past behind me. Then clues start to come together. My sister's concern and how she wanted to make sure I didn't cut off mom completely. How Helen seemed to watch over me and how close we had become. They must have had the same doubt my mother had over how I handled my life. None of them could really have a say while I still paid my bills, kept my life stable, and they could keep an eye on me.

The drastic change in my appearance, the odd plan that was hatched which culminated in the loss of my shot at working for Grant Systems. That brought me to the edge. The possibility that my sister could be dead? That was enough of a nudge to send me off the cliff. Now to find my sister is dead and my mother is in control of my life... Splat!

I've climbed that edifice before, and in my youth it was Tim who reached the peak. I'm determined to climb it again. Can Tina do the same? The climb from the depths of insanity to the plateau of "normal"? That was Tim carrying Tina. It was Tina who pushed Tim into the pit in the first place. Not many six-year-olds would think to take a knife to their genitals. Even fewer tried and still survived.

So yes, the psychiatric ward was familiar. In the psych ward, I learned that Tim was stronger than Tina. Tim emerged, and Tina stayed hidden. So much for ‘modern therapy’ at the time. As time moved forward, Tim receded, and Tina re-emerged. A glacial pace, but progress none the less. "The insane" have no such clarity, or perhaps they are the only ones that do.

That was the past haunting me.

I was released from the hospital after two more days there. My mother visited with me every day in the hospital just as she continues to visit to this day. Every time she walks in I could hear her choke back tears and calm herself before entering with a smile. Over the months my hair returned to normal; the rosewood replacing the chestnut. I look less and less like Tammy. I think that makes Mom sad. It's like watching your daughter’s ghost slowly fade away. Eventually, all that's left is me.

Mom paid for counseling for Helen to help deal with Tammy's death. After all, Helen didn't have me to talk to. They wanted for me to handle my own issues first.

As part of my treatment, I had to attend counseling as well. The counseling regimen is simple. I go to sessions twice weekly. Very little changed in my life at the time, except that counseling required me to take an active role. I couldn't be passive, or the treatments would become more 'invasive’. As I opened up more, I could feel the weight of Tim slowly cast off. The weight of a ‘life’ that I thought kept me safe from another trip to the psychiatric ward since I was six.

I spent a lot of time as Tina, at first just so that I could look in the mirror and see Tammy. I miss her so much. For me, even as the lightness of my hair grew out; I found myself opting for Tina's life instead. As I spent more time as Tina, my appreciation for much of the simpler things that Tammy loved began to weave their way into my life.

I began to simplify my life. The Cartier watches gave way to Fitbits. The Louis gave way to simple shoulder bags. My condo gave way to a nice home in the suburbs and a hefty return on the sale of the condo.

All my life, I dreamed of a future where I’d have the world in my hands. Tim and Tina having their share of an extravagant life. Two years would pass, and I would complete what started so long ago. My mother finally relinquished the conservatorship. I finally had everything I never dreamed I wanted. A simple life, Tina’s simple life.

A knock on the front door. An unexpected guest. A man looking for a ‘Tammy’, who wasn’t. His eyes shine like the day I met him. But that’s a story for another time.