“Someday I’m going to be openly recognized as Elaine Royce. I appreciate that at least now you know I’m Elaine. I’m hoping come Easter, Mom will let me show my colors by me wewaring a pretty dress. Then when this school year is over I plan to be Elaine one way or another all the time.”

Nurse Cathy says, “But you were your team's Quarterback, Friday night. So are you a Tomboy?”

Rhonda laughs, “She’s more girly than I am if she gets the chance.”

Cathy looks at me and I give a gentle smile in agreement. “My sister Sara is a bit more athletic than I am, but she likes very much to be girly. Me, I want to be a girl more exactly a young woman with all the possibilities thereof.” Cathy laughs as she leaves the room.

Nurse Cathy was gone, but Rhonda’s still there when Dr. Akers came in with my Mom. I heard Dr. Akers saying, “Audrene, I think you need to allow your home to be a safe sanctuary for Elaine to be herself.”

Audrene says, “Her sanctuary as her father will insist, consists of visiting as Elaine with me and her friends by reading fashion and hair magazines. Bryce already likes romance stories. I let his dad see his friendship with Rhonda and Jennifer with the illusion that it’s a guy thing.”

Dr. Anne says, “I’m sorry but I don’t think that’s healthy for Bryce or Elaine.”

Mom says, “It’s Sunday and you said Bryce is released to go home today and school tomorrow. No contact practice but he can participate in football practice on Wednesday.”

The Doctor said, “But I thought it was agreed he won’t be playing any more football this year?”

I speak up, “Coach Higgins wants to keep the illusion for our opponent that I’m the quarterback. That’s so they need to prepare to play against me as the starting quarterback. I’m even to fully suit up except for the shoulder pads.”

Rhonda says, “You know, what I think about that Elaine.”

Dr. Akers says, “I don’t, what are your thoughts?”

Rhonda looked at my Mom and me, “Well, if it would be needed Coach Higgins and most coaches would sacrifice a person for another win. Heck, if it got them in the state play-offs Bryce would probably agree with playing.”

“I would not.”

Rhonda giggles, “That’s Elaine responding right now.”

Dr. Akers says, “I’m not releasing Bryce to do any contact and that he can only practice.”

Sara gives me a bag with a pair of her socks and a package of three tops, instead of the regular boy’s undershirts. There is a pair of my, Bryce’s, jeans and a sweatshirt. I go into the bathroom to change. Underneath my jeans, there's a pair of new cotton underpants, more correctly panties as well as a girl's top in place of my undershirt. I know better then to call out and ask if it is okay. Even the jeans Sara brought for me to wear home are snug and help to provide some added pleasure in wearing.

Dr. Akers sends special ankle and wrist wraps. They're with instructions that if I’m to do any jogging or running my ankles are to be properly taped to provide needed support. We drop off Rhonda at her home. I go in to thank Mrs. Adams for her support and sharing Rhonda as they have. She says, “Remember you have a sanctuary of sorts here. Would you be open to coming here for an overnight or weekend?”

I say, “You know I’d love too; maybe after football is over.”

I’m soon back out to the car, “Mom, Mrs. Adams says I’m invited to stay there for an overnight maybe even a weekend.” Mom’s response is, “We’ll see.”

Sara whispers, “At least it’s not a No.” Even Mom nods in affirmation. Sara texts me, “They’re still expecting this to pass over for Bryce, and you to continue being Bryce.”

I text her, “It doesn’t work that way, I’m a girl.”

“They have trouble accepting your body is androgynous. When you told them you choose to be a girl. Dr. Akers told me it wasn’t a decision, but it's how you’re wired. You even say it will happen come summer. You’re trying to hold down something that already is out. I'm used to thinking of you as my brother. Your androgynous body allows just enough testosterone that it works against you being seen as a girl.”

I’m sitting next to Mom as we drive into our garage and I’m crying. What Sara said is sinks in. Mom says, “Bryce what is upsetting you?”

She says it again and I’m not even hearing my name. Sara opens my door and hands me my stuff. She dares to say to our Mom, “She’s not hearing you. She could use a hug and some space to be her.”

A half-hour later mom comes into my room, “Bryce,” I’m down to my camisole and cotton panties, she says, “I know what you want, but you have to meet us halfway, and stop all this girl talk for now.”

‘Halfway! I’m sixteen and hidden under the image that I’ve carried all my life.’ “I don't understand Mom. I’d have thought to be a quarterback for Dad was going all the way.”

She says, “You know better than to think he’s going to see it that way?”

“I might look like Bryce but I’ll be wearing my school colors on my toes and fingers. Dad had better be willing to accept that.”

Dinner tonight is very quiet except for Mom and Sara carrying the discussion. Dad talked about the football team and assumed I was listening. Well, I did as I'm told to. We’re a win away from going to the state playoffs.

I was more interested in Sara’s fall concert coming up. I ask, “Can I practice singing with you, Sara?” She looks in puzzlement as she is not sure Elaine can sing.

Dad insults me, “I don’t think she wants you bringing her down. You’re not even chorus material.”

That was enough, I slapped down my napkin and fork. “Excuse me.” I stand up to leave and Dad yells at me to sit back down. It wasn't the first time Dad scared me in a new way. I wasn’t certain, but now I felt threatened.

Tuesday, I was back to school and other students had patted me on the back and said things that they often do to injured players. Their focus has definitely turned to Jack Rivers. It was what I wanted yet it hurts. I went to practice but Coach Higgins said, “Tomorrow I want you to suit up and get those ankles and wrists taped up. I want our opponent to think it is you who will be starting at QB. Your Dad is in agreement that the school’s doctor will sign that you’re ready to play this weekend.”

I spoke up saying, “You’re kidding me, aren’t you. Jack should be preparing to start. He needs to become a team leader. Not just a quarterback with a strong arm.”

Coach says, “That’s one thing I won’t miss; a quarterback trying to be a coach.”

“Sure, Jack won’t talk back, but until he runs the plays in a game you don’t know if he listened.”

The Coach said, “Be quiet and just watch. I know your ego is hurt. You should be more than happy with all the playing time that I gave you.”

Tuesday after practice I stop at Rhonda’s and the Adams family is happy to see that I was doing reasonably well. Rhonda asked, “How about I redo your nails and we’ll see if anyone notices the difference?” I soon had my socks off and her sister Jennifer helps take off the old polish. It was surprising how particular she's in getting the faintest trace of old polish off. I never concentrated on my toenails like that.

I am finally getting comfortable with another girl touching my feet and toes. Mrs. Adams says, “Once a girl sees what can be done, she gets excited to have them painted and cooperates much better. You, young woman, appear to be filled with joy seeing done what you've longed to see for so long.”

My phone buzzes and it’s from my Mom; there’s a message. “Your Dad and I are out until 9:00 tonight. You and your sister need to manage for yourselves in getting dinner.”

Rhonda sees my message and says, “I’ll see if you can stay and eat with us.”

“Thanks but no thanks. I should get home, Sara and I usually make sure we eat properly. This way I can also show off my nails without getting in trouble.” It is common that Sara and I get dinner for ourselves at least three nights a week.

Sara had to text me, “How about chicken baked with yogurt and spices? We have a choice of fresh vegetables and wild rice.” We’ve done the chicken like that and liked it, so I send a smiley face back with the message, "Coming home in ten minutes." Sara messages back, “I have an outfit if you want to change.”

Sara had found one of my outfits as well as the package of panties and a bra and sandals. She’s happy that I’m listening to her. She had a good practice for basketball including Jeff watching her. We both agree Jeff is good looking. I think he’s good for her.

He’s been a longtime friend and they’ve previously stayed away from dating each other. I ask, “What’s different now?”

She says, “We might be going to different colleges. It would be better to date each other before we choose to go in different directions. There’s another reason as well and it concerns you. Jeff told me, “Other guys might have trouble with your brother being so much like you.”

I say, “Is he hinting that he knows?”

Sara says, “It’s better than that. We talked and he said, ‘It looks like Bryce is coming out more as your sister. I thought you needed to know; I’m there for you, both of you.’” Sara put the chicken in the oven and then quickly gives me a big hug.

I already have on her outfit and it felt so much like a sister moment, but I was uncomfortable. Sara says, “I know it’s your choice and it has to have been hard. I want you to know you have my support and Jeff’s.”

She says, “You didn’t put any makeup on; if you want we can practice. I do like your nails. I hope you keep them for football practice.”

I say, “That’s my intention if I don’t back out.”

I did keep the nail polish on Wednesday when I went to practice. It was quite the experience as my ankles and wrists needed to be taped before I put on my football cleats. Tompkins the trainer joked with me, “I don’t think that will get you out of playing if Coach Higgins wants you to play.”

The Coach had me run a dozen or so plays, testing my ability to run, pass and hand off the ball. He said, “Get rid of the paint before the players help you do it.” It was a veiled threat that I didn’t take seriously. Two linemen said, “Don’t sweat it, we want your head in the game. You helped us get this far, you’re protected.” It meant more to hear that than Hanson and Briggs knew when they said it.

Thursday at school went well as some people knew I had practiced a little the day before. I didn’t say there was no chance I could play Friday night. I enjoyed people thinking kindly of me especially when a few bullies thought of tripping me in the hall. Max Sievers, another big lineman, came over and told them, “Get lost, and know if anything happens to Bryce you’re the first two to be held responsible!”

Jerry said, “Yea, what would you do? You wouldn’t want to get in trouble before a big game.”

I confess I enjoyed it; when Max said, “I won’t do anything to you, but I’m sure you will be crying like a sissy for you mommies by the time someone quits putting the hurt on you.”

Tiffany said, “We’ll make sure your girlfriends hear things that may or may not be true. But they’ll look at you differently.” I passed by Jerry and Dean and they made sure we didn’t bump.

Today, I practiced twice as much as yesterday. I was hurting more but I was given Tylenol 4 before they started taping me up. And the school doctor cleared me for contact, though I was held out of contact today. Coach Higgins assures me everything is for the illusion that I am healthy. He said, "Charlie Devers is actually the backup quarterback for tomorrow’s game."

All the work-out today had made my ankles and leg muscles sore.

I was glad but surprised to see Rhonda Adams there after practice, to give me a ride home. She said, “I was angry watching you practice. I know your Dad and Coach Higgins want it and you feel somehow obligated to the team. I could tell you were hurting as you run those plays. Tomorrow if they put you in the game, the opposition will not hold back the contact. If you’re in the game, they’d like nothing better than to hurt you more.”

I don’t want her worried so I emphasize, “You already know I’m not playing again this season. It is just a ploy of appearance. We’re going to win easily tomorrow. It shouldn’t even be an issue.”

Rhonda says, “Sometimes you’re too nice for your own good. Your father should be speaking up for you if you don’t.” She knows very well as I do there is little chance of my dad doing that. The school is all excited about the prospect of being in the state playoffs. It has been a long time since we’ve been playoff-worthy.

Practice on Thursday was even better for me, and Jack was doing well. I had no fear of being called on to play.

I couldn’t say things were as well at home. My dad had me go without supper unless I removed the nail polish. Mom had made spaghetti with all the trimmings, the way I like it. It was not easy to pass up supper.

It was about an hour later my sister brought in a Tupperware covered plate with a good helping of spaghetti, sauce, two meatballs and two pieces of garlic bread. I gave her a big hug and thanks. She purposely waited that long knowing one of my parents would check on me. My Dad had in fact, had my mom check on me and he had done it again ten minutes later.

I had trouble concentrating on my homework until I ran through our football plays in my mind. Coach Higgins had incorporated three more pass plays and I wrestled with how they could work for me if I went into the game. This week should be easy enough to win to clinch a spot in the state playoff games, our opponent was not that good.

I didn’t remember when I fell asleep, only that I got my homework was done. But I wasn’t sure why the playbook was back next to me when I woke up in the morning?

Friday morning, when we get to school the cheerleaders and pep club had decorated the lockers of junior and senior football players. Karen Hart one of the junior students and a cheerleader had a jersey with my number on it. During the pep rally she even came over and gave me a big hug and kiss but what she said had me wondering. “If you get in, show them that we can play with the big boys.” Later she told me, “My young cousin, Pam Hart has a crush on you.” Under her breath, she said, “And so do I.” I had wished she said it the other way around, but I’m tickled somehow hoping she’s saying it to Elaine.

I am glad the two tests scheduled for today were postponed until next week. I had studied for them but was having too much trouble concentrating. The rumor was if we won the football players would get automatic B's, if not A's.

It, being a home game, made things even a little more in our favor.

It became noticeable early in the game Jack Rivers was out to show how good he is. The team didn’t mind but thought he should help get us the lead first. We were yet in the first quarter when Jack threw the ball and it was intercepted by the Panthers. Luckily we kept them from scoring a touchdown, but they did score a field goal.

It was in the second quarter when Jack threw his second interception and this time the Parker Panthers were able to run fifty yards for the touchdown.

After that our defense began to play poorly. Except for one breakaway reverse sweep by Maynard our offense had played poorly. After Maynard’s score, Coach Higgins had our team go for two points, but we were unsuccessful.

We should have gotten to half-time only losing by four points, but Jack Rivers decided to pass the ball one more time. He was almost tackled for a loss when he threw the ball in desperation. It was five yards short of reaching Maynard but well within the grasp of their defender. We were then behind 6-17 come half time.

Jack Rivers, Maynard Hart, and Johnny James all began to play well in the second half and we were able to score and get the game back close again. The defense also rose to the occasion and was stopping the Panthers from scoring again.

It was late in the third quarter when our team ran the sweep left and Jack decided to keep the ball instead of tossing it to Johnny. Johnny might not have gained much on the play, but he was better than Jack at holding onto the ball. If the Panthers getting the fumble was not enough; Jack was still on the ground after the play was over, acting hurt.

The last of the third quarter and the first minutes of the last quarter were used up by the Panthers to widen their lead to 13-24.

A trainer had brought over my shoulder pads but I told him, “Chuck Devers is the quarterback you want.” I refused to put on the shoulder pads. They always hurt my chest.

Little Pam Hart was delighting the fans in the stands near the cheerleaders. I’m told she was yelling for me to be the quarterback. Karen Hart lifted her from the stands, to be cheering with the cheerleaders. No sooner she was set down on the ground and Pam came running for me and wrapped her arms around me. “You need to, you need to play for us!” She kept yelling and trying to convince me. Finally, Karen came over and lifted her away saying to me, “You know she’s right, why aren’t you willing to play. My brother wants so much to play in a playoff game. His dream could die one game short.”

I couldn’t believe that I tried to bargain with Karen, “If I play, are you willing to go out with me?”

She says, “If you listened to Jennifer Adams, you would know I already would like that. But don’t try to out-macho Jack. Play your game.”

I thought of Karen’s statement earlier in the day, ‘Show them what a girl can do?’ Did she know my identity through Jennifer? It didn’t matter, I could find that out later. I took off my game jersey long enough to put on my shoulder pads. Karen helped me adjust and tie the laces. I was ready to go in after we received the kick-off but we were only able to return it to our fifteen-yard line.

The first play was a short quick pass that picked up nine yards. With a fake to the fullback, I quickly pitched it to Johnny. We caught them expecting us to go just for the first down. Instead, Johnny was able to pick up thirty-four yards. Five plays later we were at their two-yard line ready to score. However, in two plays we had lost a yard. I had tried throwing to Maynard but he and Hadley were both tightly covered. The pass to Maynard was knocked out of his hands.

Down to our last down or lose the ball. Again Maynard and Hadley were both covered tightly. I threw the ball to Drew Turner who caught it. You could see Panther players mouthing the words, ‘Drew Turner’. True enough, this was just his second catch all season. We don’t throw to Drew because he never makes added yardage after catching the ball. Tonight he didn’t need him to gain more, he was already in the end zone. We were now only behind by the score of 20-24.

With barely five minutes on the play clock, we needed to stop the Panthers and then score a touchdown.

They were able to make a first down but then were stopped. Now with not quite three minutes, we had to return a punt and then score a touchdown. A field goal would not be enough. Hadley had dropped one pass and Maynard had gained nine yards. I handed the ball off to Johnny on the next play but he was tackled for a yard loss.

We were down to our last down if we did not make the first down. Coach made a crazy call. It would be amazing if it worked but it looks like the worst possible play when it doesn’t. We immediately called the play and I handed the ball to Johnny again and everyone was blocking for him. But in truth, I hadn’t given him the ball. It's called ‘a naked bootleg’. Because with no one blocking for me, I need to hide the ball and run the other way. Instead of them sweeping right, I am running left carrying the ball, out of sight, behind my left leg. For a player who is not supposed to be taking any hits, it is a surprise that I’m carrying it.

I need to gain two yards to the 34-yard line. We fooled everyone except one player. He is a distance away and it is a race for me to gain the needed yardage. I waited until their defender was ready to crash into me for a tackle, and I stopped. He reached for me with his hands but his momentum carried him past me. I now had an open field and was running down the field. Two of their faster players were racing to catch me. With five yards to the goal line, Travis Watkins tried to tackle me but instead grabbed my shoulder and was on top of me as I struggled forward. My left ankle gave way and I hit the ground short of the goal line.

Truthfully it was better we did not quickly score. Two plays later when we scored the touchdown, time was close to running out. We had taken a timeout and I convinced Coach Higgin to allow Maynard to line up as our running back. The ball was hiked, I handed it to Maynard and he dove high over our lineman and knocked their defenders backward as they tried to tackle him. He scored the winning touchdown. We won 27-24.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I sustained a severe ankle injury, a possible hairline fracture. I would be out for the playoffs. The good news was our team did make it into the playoffs for the first time in years.

It was a cold fall night so as quickly as the game was over, the cheerleaders had their sweaters over the regular cheerleaders' outfit. If I hadn’t been hobbled by the injury, I was sure Karen would have jumped into my arms. But I had a surprise for her and everyone else. I threw off my football jersey and with a little effort struggled out of my shoulder pads.

“Karen, can I please wear your sweater?” Without hesitation, she slipped off her sweater and helped me to put it on. It wasn’t as bad of a fit as people would regularly expect to go from a cheerleader to a football player. Karen put on my sweaty game jersey, which because of the shoulder pads was noticeably bigger.

I was able to lift little Pam into my arms and receive her big hug. Next was a hug from Karen and two other cheerleaders. Rhonda was soon there, saying, “Way to go girl! I see you’re wearing our colors!” One girl at least was surprised. We then moved over to celebrate with the football team and other fans.

Finally, my Dad yells over at me; “You should be celebrating with your team. Damn boy, you’re a football player and the game’s hero!”

I say, “Daddy, I was a hero for you; you enjoy the limelight!”

Finally, a reporter and a cameraman caught up to me. “Hey Bryce, congratulations on the victory! You’ve surprised them all season long; a small powerhouse playing such a big role. How does it feel to do it again?”

“I am happy we made it to the state playoffs, but this will probably be my last game. Young Pam here was the one who encouraged me to go and give it my all.”

My Dad asks, “Why are you out of your football jersey For Pete’s sake get out of that sweater. Put your shoulder pads and get your jersey back on!”

“Daddy, the shoulder pads hurt my boobs; I’d rather put on a bra.” My father slaps the back of my head. “Thanks, Dad, you settled it, never again. This girl helped win this game, is that what you want me to say?”

My Dad was now in my face, red and angry. “Come to your senses and don’t you ever disrespect me again! Do you hear me! …Do you hear me?”

I shivered at his anger but regained my composure. It was now with Elaine’s full voice, I spoke up, “Dad you raised up a girl strong and determined enough to help our football team. Are you proud! …Are you proud of me, Daddy?”

My father was now so mad at me, he knew he needed to get away from me before he hit me in public. Rhonda pulls me away and says, “Let’s go celebrate.”

I wrapped my arms around Rhonda and Karen, “I guess, I’m me. Am I welcome to celebrate with you girls?”

Karen looks to Rhonda, “I won’t mind if you want to be with her.”

Rhonda smiles, grabbing Karen’s hand, “This girlfriend is more like a sister, Elaine’s wearing your varsity sweater not mine. It would be good tonight just to celebrate quietly.”

To be continued…

Travis and Cal two offensive linemen came to Bryce’s aid; getting between Bryce’s father and Bryce. “Hey, Bryce, we want you to come celebrate with us. Man you were there for us big time. We have your back.” Bryce saw Travis waving to the girls to come with them and helped Bryce to relax.

Rhonda was fiddling under her clothes and while it caught Bryce’s attention, it confused him. The confusion lasted only until she was back together and she pulled a bra from under her top. They were going to the restaurant up on the highway, where many players and other students would be celebrating.

While Travis drove them in his SUV. He was not quite sure what Karen and Rhonda were helping Bryce nor if he wanted to know. Since Bryce was not developed like girls his age, the help of the bra was limited in what it did for his looks. It took someone like Travis, intentionally looking to see the distinct bumps under the sweater. Karen brushed out his sweaty hair enough to make a semi-attractive ponytail.

Someone picked up Bryce as he came through the door and took him over to where Maynard Hart was sitting at a table. Maynard had showered and changed over to his street clothes. Maynard looked at Bryce and then over to his sister Karen with no telltale sign. If he knew about Bryce, he wasn’t telling others. He gave Bryce a hug and a slap on the back across the back strap and hooks of the bra.

No one became obviously drunk though some of the cokes and other drinks had a kick they usually didn’t have. When Rhonda got there, Bryce gave her his seat. Karen stood up that she might sit on Bryce’s lap, which Bryce was very happy about. Bryce’s eyes scooted from Rhonda to Maynard and back.

The celebration ran late as did Bryce’s arrival back home. But as he got to the house door his mood changed. He quickly opened the door and ran to his room locking his bedroom door behind him. He was rushing to change out of his clothes and get into the shower. His Dad had come to the room and tried to get Bryce to open the door and celebrate with him.

Bryce was soon out of the shower, died off and in a pair of pajamas and a robe, but it was not soon enough. His father was upset and damaged the door to the bedroom before he got in. “Damn son, I just wanted to congratulate you on the game and celebrate with you. We are on the same team, you know!”

Bryce acted as though the door wasn’t damaged nor that his dad was condescending or fairly drunk. “Dad, it has been a long night. I’m glad you’re proud of me. Your defense made the crucial stops when needed and gave us the opportunity to score.”

Bryce sat back letting his father describe his, Bryce’s play, with all the pride of a father. It was interesting to Bryce because his father described in detail what Bryce had done. “Man, son when you carried and almost made it to the goal line, I couldn’t have been more proud of you, if you made it. What an effort, much, much more than we needed or anyone expected. And you hung in there for the touchdown. That was a stroke of genius for the Coach to have Maynard run with the ball and jump over the goal-line for the touchdown. He even gave you part of the credit.”

They talked a little after his dad said most of what he had to say and it was good. His Dad was ready to go to sleep as was Bryce. Though Bryce knew Sara had stayed up to be with him. Dad said in closing, “Don’t plan to sleep in, I want us to go eat breakfast downtown so I can show you off.”

Bryce walked to Sara’s room to see what she wanted. He ended up laying down on her second bed and they visited. She complimented him on the game, but she also asked how he was. She knew how hurt he was before and from that last tackle and the hard hits he had taken knowing that he must feel crippled now. But it was another question that really got them talking, “How many noticed the bra you had on when you came into the diner?”

Bryce says, “Not that many that I’m aware of, but I didn’t do it for others. I did it for me; Elaine helped to win a crucial game.”

Sara joyfully says, “She did that as well as helped them win this game as a team. You should be very proud.” Sara gives her/him a hug. “But you need to be careful, Dad’s only open to seeing it as something Bryce has done. I was happy to hear him say how proud he was of you. I noticed you let him tell it like a proud father.”

They continued to talk, but Bryce fell asleep there; waking up stiff and sore in the morning. His father had come looking for him. “Hey Bryce, get up and get something decent on you’re not going to breakfast with your sister. I don’t want a Foo Foo with me; I want the QB who led us to victory.”

Bryce said, “Dad you don’t have to be derogatory about me.” Dad hits me hard at the back of the head. I walk away to my room to get dressed. Wearing nice designer jeans and a sweatshirt. I brushed out my hair, having it in a ponytail that might be a guy’s or Elaine’s. Dad gives me that look that he’s not fully pleased but good enough.

We get to the restaurant and a number of dads are there along with the usual men, dad meets with. There was a pair of crutches in the back of our vehicle, but dad said no to me using them. So I hobble and Mr. Hart says, “I thought you have a pair of crutches, you should use them. Even if you don’t play next week you should take care of yourself.”

Dad says, “Let’s talk about last night. We’ll find a way to have Bryce ready when the time comes if needed.”

Maynard and Johnny come walking in as we’re ordering. Johnny says, “Bryce, why didn’t you call? We would have picked you up.”

Bryce's dad said, “Because I wanted to make sure he got here.” I said, “Something like that.”

The talk about the game was fun with many contributing, but time and again my dad felt a need to take over the conversation. One old guy, a close friend of my dad spoke up, “The night would have been a whole lot better if someone didn’t have to go on and put a cheerleader’s sweater on.”

Maynard, M, spoke up, “No one wants to take back the play Bryce made, I bet.” Like on cue Travis a lineman came over to our table. He said, “And no one wants the hassle, Bryce. This game wasn’t played twenty years ago and none of you gentlemen were on the field last night.” He turned to my dad, “Coach, you should be awfully proud of Bryce and stand up for him.”

My dad and a few men were upset by now, dad saying, “Hey this is our table. I’m proud of my son. I just want him to be a man, there is nothing wrong with that.” I get up, not sure if I’ll leave or say something. My dad bellows out, “Sit down you’re not going anywhere yet!” He hit the back of my head and I could feel his ring had been turned around for full effect.

“Enough Dad,” I jerk my arm out of his grip, “I’m not going to be the man you want.” With that, I step away from the table and once outside begin to run. Luckily Maynard and Travis catch up to me and give me a ride.

I’m calling Rhonda but no answer, I ask “M, do you know where I can catch up to Karen?”

“I think she’s shopping with her friends; probably at the mall.” He knows I’m frustrated and says, “She’d probably not mind if you caught up with them. Call her and I’ll get you there.”

I’m frustrated and upset; I ask, “Take me home, I want to get out of there before my Dad gets back.”

I’m dropped off at my house and ask them to leave, “You don’t want any part of this.”

Travis and M both tell me, “Don’t do anything crazy.”

I don’t have much in the way of Elaine’s clothes but three changes and some shoes are quickly stuffed in my backpack. With two rides, I make it to Brunswick and catch a bus there. I pull the bus' cord near the road to my Grandma’s town. Grandma loves her grandchildren, but I rarely see her anymore except for holidays. I guess sometime when Sara and I were young she got in a dispute with my Dad. Relations have been strained ever since. Sara and I use to spend a week or two with her and Grandpa. But Grandpa died, and ever since I was twelve the extended stays had stopped.

Sara and I lost the use of the second car after we drove to grandma’s house once on our own.

When I arrived at Grandma’s she was out but I knew how to get into the house. I was in the extra room we usually stayed in. Besides a drink of water and using the toilet I hadn’t disturbed anything. I fell asleep on the bed and slept, except the ringing of the phone woke me up a number of times. I’m guessing my Mom might be one of the callers. It is seven or eight o’clock before Grandma is home. I was sleeping when I woke hearing Grandma answering the phone and saying, “He’s not here Audrene. …No, I’m sure. I will call you if he comes here. Elaine’s clothes, o…”

Grandpa showed me cool hideout when I was a kid. It was off the closet and behind the bathroom in the hall. I put my backpack in there and propped it open for later if needed. Once I bumped into something and grandma heard me. So I sneaked to the hiding spot and cuddled in there. I should have just told her I was there but didn’t. I slept in the hideout. It’s not even four by four and has an eighteen-inch hole where a furnace pipe use to come through. It would be tight but if needed and if someone found the hiding place I could drop to the basement and get away from there.

Come morning Grandma was awake early and I heard her moving around. I had used a bathroom in the middle of the night, actually early morning around 3:00 a.m. I even slept on top of the bed for an hour. I had cupped water in my hands to get a drink. Finally, she came to the room, near the closet. “Bryce, Elaine, I know you are here. Please talk to me and make yourself known. This is scaring me. I’m glad you came here, you know you are safe now…”

I spoke up saying, “Hi Grandma” as I emerged out of the closet holding my backpack with me.

Grandma walked me over to the bed where we sat and talked. She said, “I hear you excited everyone Friday night at the football game. So why scare everyone by running away.” She paused, “And what’s this about Elaine, I thought she used to be your imaginary friend?”

Grandma looked into my backpack pretty sure of what she would find. I was surprised when she pulled out my skirts, panties, and more thinking that she should be alarmed to see. She didn’t show it if she was. She says, “It looks like these could use a trip to the laundry as much as you could use a shower and some food.” She pulled out my phone, saying, “Why don’t you call your Mom and tell her you’re alright?”

“But I won’t be if I go back there.”

Grandma saw some of my bruises and asked, “Are these from football or from home?”

I pulled my shirt off and showed some more bruises. “They’re mostly from football. You won’t believe it but I’ve been the varsity quarterback. The team has made it to the state playoffs but I’ve had it. I am too hurt to play. I should have been too hurt to play this week but they desperately needed me.”

Grandma said, “I might not know everything but I knew about you playing football. I have a few newspaper articles about you and the team. …But you said most of the bruises are from football. That means some are not, tell me about those.”

I say, “Grandma, the worse bruises don’t show, they’re inside. I can’t do enough to please Dad. I helped the team to win games and get back into competition for a playoff game. I got hurt and that wasn’t enough. I want to be a girl, I am a girl. I didn’t mind playing football, but it wasn’t enough. I did it for him. Look even my breasts are bruised from how hard they hit me there.” As I show my grandma, I realize she was not ready for that. I cover myself holding my undershirt in front with my arms folded.

Grandma embraces me in a hug and as I hug her back I am afraid my undershirt will fall. “O dear, I didn’t know you decided you want to be a girl. I am sure that did not go over well with your father. But your mother surely would be there for you.” She could tell by my eyes that was not the case.

“Sara’s my biggest help. I think Mom cares but she won’t go against my father.”

Grandma is upset as she says, “We still need to tell them you’re okay; eventually they’ll come to know where you are. …Call your parents and Sara and then take your shower. We’ll eat and then decide what to do after that.”

I called home and got my Mom and told her I was alright that I would call again soon. I could hear someone there plus my Dad asking for the phone, so I hung up without talking much. I then called Sara, and she said, “Shush.” And then shortly after, “Okay, we can talk. Where are you? Are you really okay?”

“Sis, I’m fine, I’m with someone good and I’m safe. I got here all by myself.” I heard Sara’s door open so I hung up again.

I was feeling guilty, but I was also feeling good and away from being pressured or hurt. The shower was heaven sent. I’ve become personally disgusted with the many bruises I have, but they’re also a testimony to my playing football and not giving up. The extent of the bruising on the back of my legs, my lower back, and my groin area became more significant in the last two games. I’m afraid I’m injured more than I know. The shower helps me to relax some and allows me to move a little more freely.

I began drying myself and got back to the bedroom. There were some clothes, girl clothes on the bed. I suspect they’re Sara’s or a cousin’s. Grandma even put out my panties and bra. I’m soon dressed. I even use a little makeup: a blush, mascara, and lipstick. I then make my way to the kitchen.

Grandma looks at me, “Well you have yourself looking nice and presentable. I can’t say I agree with those black and blue stockings. They don’t look good on a girl.”

I was a bit slow in understanding, but Grandma said, “We’ll look and see if we can find a pair of tights to help show off the shape of your legs. Maybe Grandma could even take you shopping.”

Grandma had made eggs, bacon, and toast and had poured some juice and a glass of water. “There’s hot water for tea if you want.” We talk as we ate and I help her wash the dishes and frying pan.

Then Grandma notices people moving around outside her house. "It looks like we’re going to get visitors.” She says as she points, “Do you see that woman officer over there? She's a Deputy from this county. You might want to scoot down to the basement. Then when people come into the house up here, you use the basement door to give yourself up to her asking for protection.”

She continues, “I don’t know the law but from what you said, you may not want to be placed back under your Father’s care.”

I gave her a hug but say, “Won’t that make trouble for you?”

Grandma unemotionally said, “I’m already under order not to see you unless your parents are with you.” I’m almost to tears because I had not known that. But it was true, I had never seen her in recent years without them around. She always had a reason we could not take a walk or go get a treat like we use to.

I heard people at the door on the front porch and someone else at the back door, as I made my way down to the basement. Grandma had not insisted I do it; it just seemed like a good idea. I heard people ring the doorbell in front and knock at the backdoor. Once I heard a man introduce himself as a State Trooper with a warrant, I opened the basement door. There was this Deputy Sheriff as Grandma had said. I said, “Officer Tiffany, I am Elaine Royce and I am asking for your protection. My parents are forcing me to remain as Bryce Royce. Some of my bruises are from my father and worse are the hurts I have emotionally from being harassed. I have tried to please him.”

Officer Tiffany gave but the lightest smile as she asked me to be still. She did not seem to mind when I continued to walk to her. She asks me, “Who told you what to do and say?” I reached out to her hand and she opened her arms to receive me.

I said to her, “No one, my Grandma Newton told me your name and said, I could trust you.”

Officer Tiffany, tapped her shoulder and spoke, there was one of those microphone things on her shoulder. “I have an Elaine Royce who presented herself to me for protection.”

The first one out the door was my Dad, “How dare you pull that crap young man! Now get over here and let’s get ready to go home. Your Grandmother had no right to help you.”

I turned around in front of Officer Tiffany. “She didn’t help me, I sneaked in yesterday when she wasn’t home! I hid away in the extra room and closet until this morning! Then she told me if I was there I needed to come out.” I paused and took a breath trying to think. “She’s the one who told me I needed to call home to let you know I was safe. She expected me to tell you where I was but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready.”

Officer Tiffany had put out her arm and told my dad to stop where he was. “Elaine has requested protection and help. This will now be a matter for others to help decide.”

Dad said, “He’s my child and I decide what is right for him and our family. Do you see how he embarrasses all of us?”

The Officer wanted to reply as I heard her mumble, as Trooper Reed encouraged everyone to recognize things were now under control. “Your teenager is safe. …Elaine are you willing to go back to the authorities where you live? Or should Deputy Tiffany Reed seek to set up something here in this county?”

Officer Tiffany says, “I think we need to get young Royce someplace to be examined and check out some things she has said. …Mrs. Royce after the examination she will be released from the hospital. Would there be a family member around here that young Royce could stay with? If not human services will determine where young Royce goes for now.”

“My mother is under a restraining order or else she could remain here.”

Tiffany says, “I was thinking if you said it was alright and gave permission. It would be possible for her to come back here.”

My mother looks over to my father then says, “I think that would be fine for the time being.”

I was taken by Deputy Tiffany to Stronghold Regional Medical Center. I found it amusing that my room was in the overflow for OB/GYN. Nurse Morgan said it was because they had the room and enough staff to check on me.

Dr. Patricia Owens came to check on me about an hour after I was situated in my room. She gave me a complete check over, had many blood samples taken and asked many, many questions. Finally, she asked, “Elaine, my understanding is that as an androgynous person you have presented yourself as a boy. So why the sudden change?”

I explained, “I was about eleven when I was told I was androgynous. And it was explained to me then, what that meant. I was thirteen when I started telling people I wanted to be a girl and Dr. Anne Akers finally listened and agreed with me. But my Dad has never accepted that and even before then he was telling me to do as I was told. I have played football because my Dad forced me and to do other activities he wanted.”

“I only found out today that my Grandmother Newton had an injunction against seeing me. Don’t you agree that wasn’t right? A grandchild should be free to see a grandmother.”

Dr. Owens said, “Why did you decide you wanted to be a girl?”

“It might sound strange, but it is not so much a want to be a girl, but that I am a girl. That sounds silly doesn’t it?”

She smiles and said, “Actually no, that does not sound silly. Can you tell me, however, how you came to that conclusion?”

“Well, I identify strongly with my sister, even before I understood who I am. I would take her dolls and other things for myself. My Dad would get upset and even punish me like it was wrong. I know some people are particularly strict about what is guy stuff and activities and for girls. I never saw it that way. But for whatever reason, I always felt having my own doll and some of Sara’s stuffed animals were more important than the punishment. The more I did it the more severe the punishment from my Dad and my Mom.”

Dr. Owens explained, “It is hard to know with certainty that some of the bruising and injuries are from being hit by your Dad instead of football.”

I said, “It sounds like there might be some injuries you believe are from being abused. Do you believe me that emotional abuse can be even worse than the physical injuries?” She was ready to say something when I interrupted and asked: “Can you tell me, are you my doctor or the county or state’s doctor?”

She says, “You are right in thinking I can’t be both. I would like to know if you would want me to be your doctor or not?”

I say, “I would like to know if you believe me or not about my injuries and about being a girl?”

She says, “You are a sharp young person. I am impressed with how intelligent you are.”

I pause thinking she is holding back from giving me answers. I force myself to be patient and stare back at her waiting for her to say more. Finally, “I would like you to be my doctor, but only if you are going to trust me to answer me. I think you believe me and know more than you are saying. I think Dr. Anne would like you too, but she is more professional than I am.”

Dr. Owen says, “Yes, I believe you and would like to be your doctor. Some of my answers need to be confirmed by some tests and further examining. I do not like answering before I know more facts. Can you accept that?”

“Yes, I can. Can I ask you two questions?” I wait hoping she will also say yes, which she does. “One is easy, can I call you Dr. Patricia? The other is harder, at least for me. I wanted to wait another day or two before I told people where I was and I was okay. Was that really bad and mean of me? I wanted people to hurt and wait as I did.”

She says, “Yes, you can call me Dr. Pat or Patricia most of the time. As you said the other question is more difficult. I can understand and appreciate why you thought those things. I am more appreciative that you trusted me to share that. And I don’t think it indicates you’re mean or bad, but human. It also says something about how hurt, you must have felt.”

“I was disappointed, I am not sure if they hurt or felt bad or missed me.” Suddenly I unexpectedly started to cry and I rushed to hug Dr. Patricia. When I was okay I pushed myself back and apologized. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cry. Even as a girl I don’t want to be a sissy.”

Dr. Owens said, “You might cry some more as you let your feelings out. I am going to ask for a therapist to meet with you. You know Dr. Aker's office is in Brunswick but she has privileges here. Would you want me to see if she could see you here? Depending on how long your evaluation and any medical concerns keep you here. She might see you while you are still here or while you’re with your Grandmother.”

That was one of the better things I heard today. “Yes that would be really good, but I didn’t know she had her office in Brunswick. I see her at a clinic closer to my home. …Do you think she is a good doctor?”

Dr. Patricia brightens up, “Yes, she is a very good and noted therapist. I am delighted to hear you are one of her patients.” That made me feel extra good.

Dr. Owens ended her checking Elaine, stating, “Tomorrow morning, after I receive the results of the blood tests, I will decide whether other scans or procedures will be beneficial.”

“The Sheriff’s office would like to use an ankle monitor to be sure you do not try to run away again. I agree with Deputy Reed that you are not a significant flight risk. You will be watched closely. I would be pleased if I had your promise that you will not run away.”

I shake my head, “I would have more concern if I thought my father would come in here to hurt me. I would like if he came here that we would not be together without someone from the hospital to be with us.”

Dr. Owens said, “I am leaving and probably won’t see you until tomorrow. I will make a note that any visits from your father are to be with another person present.”

It was after the hospital served supper that Grandma came with a small suitcase. It had a pair of pajamas and two changes of clothes for tomorrow. The clothes are nothing special; except everything had either been Sara’s or belongs to Cousin Heather. “Thanks, Grams.”

I tell my Grandma about Dr. Owens and even the other doctor who came later who also examined me. Dr. Giles was nice enough but I’m glad I asked Patricia Owens to be my doctor. While Grandma is here, Nurse Hopkins comes and tells us, “Dr. Akers, will be here tomorrow at 1:00 a.m. for an appointment with you.”

Grandma and I walk down to the nursery window during our visit. There are five babies in their layettes. Grandma tells me there are two missing that must be in with their mothers. Grandma asks, “Bryce have you ever dreamed about having a baby of your own?”

I’m sad that she asks it of Bryce, so I kind of coughed trying to sound like a girl. She says, “Yes, I was trying to observe who’s listening to me. But that doesn’t tell me if you have or not.”

I bend my head down, “Yes, I will have to adopt, but that will be fine. The baby like me will be needing someone to love her. But when I dream, Elaine is able to have her own babies.” Grandma embraces me saying, “I am sure you will make a great mommy.”

“Grandma, do you really believe me that I’m a girl?”

Grandma has a puzzled look on her face, finally, she says, “I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to answer questions like that. People might accuse me of trying to influence you.”

“I already believe I am. If I can’t ask a grandparent, who is it safe for me to ask?”

Grandma laughs, I’m sure she knows how absurd it is that she couldn’t answer. She says, “I’m not an expert, just your grandma. I think you’re the best one to know, but yes I think you’re Elaine.”

The next morning, Grandma came shortly after 10:30 in the morning. I guess I was acting pitiful.

“Now, listen young woman, you have been through a lot for a person your age. We now have to tend to you, the little girl who has been ignored.” With that Grandma pulls me in for a big hug. We’re looking almost eye to eye, and it is the first time I am the one a little taller.

“Grammy, look I am a smidgen taller then you are?”

She says, “You are a lot like your sister. Just pray you don’t shoot up and muscle out like a boy. That won’t look very good for Elaine.”

“Surely you’re not your father, oops… Sorry I shouldn't say that.” I could tell Grandma felt bad; I gave her a hug.

The Nurse Collins came in to remind me, “Remember you are seeing Dr. Anne Akers at 1:00 today.”

Grandma says, “That’s where her problems began.” The nurse was on her way out when she stops at hearing that statement.

“Can I ask what you mean by that?”

Grandma, “I shouldn’t say that.” She pauses, knowing she needs to explain. “Dr. Akers is the one with whom Elaine came to accept herself and speak up. That has caused more problems ever since. It might have been better if Bryce believed Elaine was never there.”

Nurse Collins’ says, “It might have caused her to stuff Elaine down inside but a transgendered girl will not go away; it is not something she caught and gets over like the measles.” I’m in the bathroom to get ready to see Dr. Akers.

Story to continue...

Grandma is here and I’m in the bathroom getting some makeup on for my appointment with Dr. Anne Akers. “Grams, can I ask what you did wrong that my parents had an injunction, against you seeing me alone?”

Grandma says, “It was that you became close to me and I was not upset with seeing yourself as a girl. Your parents wanted me, ‘say no’ to you being a girl. That I was supportive of seeing you as a girl was not acceptable to them. Your Dad only wanted you to be a son as he saw you. Being a boy was not enough for him. You were to be his boy.” Grandma giggled, “I guess in a sick way, he did pretty well; he raised a damn good quarterback, even if he’s a girl.”

“But Grammy, even when I did that he was still mad at me.”

Grams corrects me, “A person gets ‘angry’, and an animal gets ‘mad’. Your Dad was angry.”

“Grams, Dad was so angry, he was mad. A dad shouldn’t be like that to his child.” My voice beings to break, “Grams, he’d slap the back of my head with that ring he wears. I woke up on the floor more than once. I’ll always see his mad ugly face in mine making me so scared that I had to do what he said.”

Grams came into the bathroom to give me a hug and hold me. I’m trembling and slowly calm down as she holds me, I knew she felt the bump on the back of my head. Gram draws back, “Do you mind if I help clean your face and help with your makeup?” I watch closely, afraid it would look like Gram makeup.

Grams says, “I should have had a lawyer. I never believed a judge would place an injunction against me seeing you. When he did, I screamed at the judge. He said I proved his point.” Grams and I both hug at that point.

It is time to see Dr. Akers, Nurse Collins walks me to a conference room they used. I smile at seeing Dr. Anne again. It has been since before football season that I had been to an appointment.

Dr. Anne has a big grin that she is fighting back something as she sees me. “Well, Elaine did someone force you to dress like this, or was it freely your choice to do so?”

I turned fully around, “You know very well that I dressed like this. This is me, you have helped me so many times to make it to today. So what do you think?”

She begins to speak and I interrupt, “Don’t give me that crap that ‘It’s how I see myself that is important’. I know how I see me. I asked what you think.”

Anne is amused as she has me sit down. “You look like the very pretty girl, you thought resided in you.” She pauses, “Please tell me about what happened that has you in a hospital away from your home?”

"Our school won a football game with my help to reach the State Play-offs. My Dad did not like the fact that I let Elaine show some. He had been hitting me again, sometimes in public, more when people weren’t around. I was tired of it. I played hard even though I was hurt, but it wasn’t enough. He embarrassed me in front of others once too many times. I left the restaurant, got my stuff, and left. I was hoping at least my Mom would miss me, hopefully, my Dad.”

“I got to Grandma’s when she wasn’t home, and I hid away in her house. She realized the next day I was there. I think I could have hidden away so they didn’t find me. But I didn’t want Grams to get in trouble because of me.” I smile, “When others came for me, I snuck out and presented myself to a Deputy Sheriff from here.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Was that your idea?”

“Yes, I did it myself, no one insisted I do that.”

Anne asks, “What do you think about being a girl?”

“I like it very much, but I think, I’ve always been me. It kind of stinks that I am this old and don’t know what to do at times. Even my girlfriends know me more as Bryce. How are they going to get to know me, with me being here? If I’m with Grams, I can’t go to my school. If I go to my school, where can I live and be safe from my dad?”

Dr. Anne says, “You are going to need to be patient and not act up as you wait. It might get frustrating. Do you think you can be patient?”

I looked out a window and see, Rhonda and her mother walking across the parking lot. Dr. Anne asks, “What has your attention now?”

I tell her, “I saw Rhonda Adams and her mother come across the parking lot. I didn’t expect anyone to come this far to see me!”

Dr. Anne, “She and her mother must think a lot of you. Have they seen Elaine before?” I had changed at Rhonda’s a little and she and her family have been supportive. I’m not sure what I should admit to.

Dr. Anne says, “Would you mind if I walk you back to your room and meet them? They don’t need to know I am a Psychologist. The hospital has many doctors. I will have Nurse Collins or someone to take you back if you’d rather go back without me.”

I grab her hand, “I don’t want you to say a lot about me. But sure, I’d like to share you with them.”

I gave Rhonda a big hug as I got back to my room. Her Mom introduces herself to Grandma, Dr. Akers, and a nurse who is there. “Hi, I’m Catherine Adams and this is my daughter Rhonda.” I introduce Grandma and Dr. Akers. Then from behind me, I hear, “And I’m Karen Hart.”

I hadn’t seen Karen come across the parking lot, nor did I see her behind the door. I was both excited and scared as Bryce always liked Karen. I never thought I had a chance with Karen as Bryce, even less of a chance as Elaine.

Karen said, “I didn’t mean to scare you. Don’t you remember asking for my sweater? It was obvious to us girls that you had on a bra Friday night. Rhonda explained where and from whom you got it.”

I had needed to go to the bathroom when I came back from being with Dr. Akers. Now with the surprise, it is a necessity and I run for the bathroom. I push to door to close behind me. I quickly pull down my panties and up my skirt as I sit to pee.

I hear a giggle and look up to see there is a crack between the door and frame. Rhonda and Karen are looking at me. The door however soon is pushed closed.

After I am done, back together and cleaned up, I come back out into my room. Dr. Akers says, “You need to be more mindful of your privacy.” She asks, “Is it alright if I stay and visit for maybe ten minutes?”

She sits in a folding chair, Rhonda, Karen, and I sit on the edge of the bed. It had been neatly made up since I left for my appointment. Grams and Mrs. Adams have the two padded chairs.

Dr. Akers says, “I’m Anne. You girls don’t seem worried Bryce is dressed here as Elaine. How is it you knew to ask for Elaine’s room?”

Rhonda’s the first to speak, “I came to know of Elaine over a month ago when Bryce and I were both out running across the golf course. I saw he was wearing panties when he was tying his running shoes. I talked to her into coming back to my house to talk. My mom, my sister, dad, even a best friend now know.”

Rhonda, “I don’t know, you hear there are students like Elaine. I know others who are gay, I guess I just don’t see it as a big deal. Jennifer’s in his grade, she kind of knew yet didn’t, if that makes sense.” Dr. Anne is her clam self and listening, but she has softened. She is more like a person, not just a doctor. She looks at Karen as to invite her to speak.

Karen says, “Bryce hasn’t changed much over the years we’ve been in school. It’s just this fall he’s gotten the courage to show Elaine. I had just thought he had fine features like his sister. …I and my younger cousin Pam were two of Bryce’s fans. I came to know of Elaine through Rhonda’s sister Jenn. It wasn’t a stretch for me as I had already dressed Bryce in my mind. It’s like now knowing Elaine’ I have a name for her. My attraction was to Bryce and being attracted to a boy.”

“Did you know he put on my cheerleader's sweater after they won the game? He even wore it when we went to celebrate.” Karen and Rhonda both cuddle me, giving me a kiss on each cheek.

Grams asks, “You mean Bryce wore your sweater out in public?”

Rhonda giggles, “By the time Bryce got out of the car to go in and celebrate at the diner. He was wearing my bra under her sweater. It might not have been noticeable especially to the guys, but several of us girls knew. I’ve already seen Elaine is attractive enough as a girl. If Elaine decides this is who she is she’ll get even better with experience.”

True to her word Dr. Akers excused herself, though I encouraged her to stay longer.

Karen says, “I brought some homework and reading for you. Will you be back in school yet this week?”

“I’m not sure. I’ll probably be staying with my Grandma this week. I don’t know where I would live if I came back to school. One thing I know my football playing this year is over.”

Karen says, “Well dah, between your injuries and being a girl of course it is.”

Rhonda says, “She was Elaine and injured last week. That didn’t stop her or them the last game. Charlie Devers was even ready then. He better play this week if Jack can’t play the full game. Even if Bryce would be foolish enough to suit up for the game.”

I say, “Thanks a lot Rhonda. You think I was foolish playing and that I’d do it again?”

Rhonda says, “And tell me I’m wrong that you wouldn’t be tempted? I was impressed, you showed them what a girl like you can do. Foolish might not be the right word, but you end up doing what your father always wants.”

Grandma says, “Well, I’m proud of how she’s played. However, I am glad playing the next game and this season is out of the question. I saw one game though when I was there.”

She pauses, “I’m sure if she stays with me; she won’t be going to her school. Right now, my biggest concern is her safety and then her grades.”

Catherine Adams addresses Grams, “If she needs a place to stay in our community. She could stay with us at least through this semester. I’d want a stay against Elaine’s father and anyone belligerent towards her. If it were Bryce to return to school, I’d probably still say yes.”

I saw the time and pressed the call light button. When someone responded, I ask, “Would it be okay if my friends go get something to eat and we eat together in the lounge?”

The person responds, “I will have to check and see.”

Grams looks at Mrs. Adams, saying, “Elaine, it is nice they came to visit you. It’s already going to be dark when they get home.”

“Mrs. Newton if you’re going to eat with Elaine, we could stay too. I’d probably stop and get something to eat. I don’t like driving during the rush hour. We could go get something to bring back, even for you. That way, you’d have some time alone with your granddaughter.”

Grams and I are both happy. They’re going to get Chinese after Grams tells them what she wants.

Once we are alone Grams says, “Well, I am impressed with the friends you made. They are nice and are willing to be there for you. Tell me, if you get the choice would you like to go back to your school? Or would you like a fresh start whether it is Elaine or Bryce?”

“I’d like to be me, Elaine that is, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough. If I can stay with you what school would I be going too?”

Grams says, “It would be Stronghold High. Your cousins Chase and Heather both go here for high school. Heather might even be in the same grade. Trevor goes to Stronghold but he’s a junior high student.”

I ask, “Grams if I tried going back to my school, would you be upset that I didn’t stay here with you?”

Grams is quiet, thinking. “I’m sorry Grams, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Grams raises a finger, “Patience, don’t guess what I’m thinking. You as kids want an instant reply and it doesn’t usually work like that. …I like what I saw and heard from Mrs. Adams but I don’t really know her yet. And neither of us knows what the courts or anyone else will say. Thursday, I believe something with the court is being set up for Thursday. I don’t know if you’ll be here then or at my house.”

It was close to an hour before the Adams and Karen are back. Nurse Morgan had kept my food tray warm until they’re back. My piece of chicken, green beans, and fries are okay but not as good as their Chinese.

Rhonda ate, scooting closer to me and pulled a pair of tweezers from her purse. She had me turn toward her saying, “There are some eyebrow hairs that need to come out.”

“I am surprised they let you do that here.” By the time the Aide comes back into pick up my tray Karen is working on my nails and Rhonda is on my other eye. The aide says, “You are nice and patient. I didn’t think they’d get any more than two pulls before you stopped them. They are doing a nice job of not going too far.”

I say, “I’m surprised you’d let them do it.”

The Aide responds, “On this floor, we call this therapy. How a woman thinks of herself as a good sign about how she’s feeling.”

Eventually, they and Grams go home.

It is late before Dr. Pat Owen makes her rounds and stops in to see me. “Hello Elaine, it sounds like you had a good day. Dr. Akers reports she had a good visit. Your Grandma has been here and even two friends and a Mrs. Adams from your community came to see you.”

“How are you feeling after a long day like that?” Dr. Owens sits and I sit across from her.

I tell her, “I am doing well. It was good to see Dr. Akers again. She even took the time to visit my friends and Grandma. Several people asked and I’m wondering too about school. And where I’m going to live.”

Dr. Owens asks, “And where would you like to live and go to school?”

“I like the idea of living with Grandma Newton, but I’d also like to go to my school at least the rest of this semester.” She asks and I explain. “Well if I went and lived with the Adams family and finished this semester. I wouldn’t lose this semester or my grades. Grams says if I live with her I’ll be going here to the Stronghold High School.”

If I finished this semester at my school; it would allow me to see how I’m treated back there. If I get time with Grams, maybe I can find out if my cousins here are comfortable with me being Elaine. Grams didn’t indicate if they know about me being Elaine.”

Dr. Owens asks, “So are you wanting to go to school as Elaine when you return to school?”

“Part of me will be afraid, but yes, I want to get on with being me. My friend Rhonda said something I liked. She says, ‘I already make an attractive girl. And she said I should get even better with experience.’”

Dr. Owens says, “I agree you are an attractive young woman. What do you think would improve with time and experience?”

I say, “Well part of it would be just getting better with my appearance. I'm not always assured what to wear with what. I’d hope to be able to have hormone therapy to look more like the girl I feel like. …And then when someone sees me as a girl, I’m kind of scared that they expect me to know something normal for girls to know, but I don’t.”

“Elaine, if everything goes well on Thursday, and you are permitted to either live with the Adams or Grandma. I’d like to start you on a low dose of hormones. I wouldn’t call it hormone therapy just yet. It would be to find out how your body reacts to it. I would like to take things one step at a time.”

“One of the things I ask is if you start back to school as Elaine. That you are ready to stay as Elaine long enough to gain the perspective to know yourself as Elaine. Don’t seek to prove anything to anyone else, your goal should be to learn for you. Now tell me in your words, what I am asking. Then tell me again what you want to do?”

I say, “I think you’re asking if I go back to school as Elaine; like now that I’d do it through the end of the semester, and if I do it the next semester that I intend to do it through the school year. Taking the good and bad, experiencing what it’s like to be a girl, or for people to see me as transgender. That I need to do it long enough to have a realistic idea of what I’m deciding? I think Grams and Rhonda and her mother have been saying pretty much the same thing.”

“My sister pretty much believes, I’m her sister. She’s just afraid for me, especially at home with my dad.”

“Good,” Dr. Pat says, “Tomorrow you will be speaking to a court-appointed advocate. I've asked for Marie Tull, but I’m not sure if she’ll be appointed to you.” There’s a knock on my door and another woman steps in, “Yes, she’ll have me as her court advocate.”

While Marie and Dr. Owen are greeting each other, I ask, “What does a Court Advocate do and why do I need one?”

Marie says, “Thursday your folks will likely have a lawyer advocating their position as your parents to decide what’s good for you. The prosecutor is out to prove you’re at risk and that’s why you asked a deputy for protection. While two parties are trying to prove their case, they may not fully have your interest at heart. That is where I come in.”

"Even if it is decided you’ve been abused or would be at risk if you went home. The county or state might be planning to place you someplace less than helpful. Being androgynous and/or transgender brings special needs medically and personally for you, now and down the road. You should not assume others have those needs and you as their prime interest. God forbid the courts would decide to send you home. I would still be advocating for ongoing contact to make sure you would be safe.”

Frightened I ask, “You don’t think they would decide that do you?”

Marie sits next to me, calmly saying, “No. I do not, but some decisions have been reached that I never expected. I believe the judge we will have Thursday takes very seriously the needs of children. But both parties are going to advocate that you are a teen and not a little child. As such you can take care of yourself with little to no help.”

“When I saw the information on you, the issues with your identity are not the only things that drew my attention. You are a student with good potential. I want to advocate for your education beyond high school.” She says, “Your intelligence has not always shown up in your grades. It seems people are assuming you’re just another student.”

“Dr. Owens, if it is alright, I would like to meet alone with Elaine for a half-hour tonight. I’ll be back again tomorrow. Please have on the patient’s chart that I will want two hours set aside to meet with Elaine.”

I was happy to come to know Marie, but I wasn’t sure why it warranted a visit tonight and tomorrow. She said it would allow us to be comfortable with each other.

Dad’s lawyer came by early the next morning. He wanted to assure me that he spoke to my Dad and my Dad was sorry. He wants me home because he loves me. He said that I really hurt my Mom and I should be thinking first of her. He wasn’t listening to anything I said. I knew him and he was a close buddy of my Dad’s.

An Assistant County Attorney came saying she was given my case. She said it was a simple open and shut case that should be decided in my favor. She said Human Services and not the courts should be deciding my placement. The need now was to keep me safe from my parents and other things can be decided once all the information is in. I was glad she was confident from the reports of the doctors. But I did not hear squat, anything, about what they were recommending.

I was glad at one o’clock in the afternoon when Marie Tull came. She put a small anklet on me saying it was a security device. Truth is, it looks like jewelry. Marie says, “We’re going shopping and I want your cooperation. Will I have it?”

I was a little upset, “Aren’t we going to make sure, we’re ready for tomorrow?”

Marie smiles, “Though you’re Elaine much of your life you’ve lived as Bryce. I believe you are going to be more comfortable in our visit if you’re doing something.”

I told her, “I already asked if I could go out and they said, No!”

She says, “Well, I have their permission. I would like to get going and not use our time determining if we can or not.”

I could go dressed as I was, but I needed my shoes, and touch up my hair and makeup. It took me a good thirty minutes to get ready as I changed my mind a few times. I guess I’m more than a little nervous.

Marie had to sign me out and I had to sign that I was going willingly and felt safe with Ms. Marie Tull. We went to a store I usually walked by because it was more expensive. The first skirt I try on was different, but I wasn’t sure how so. It felt fantastic. The skirt went to my knees. It fit like a glove as the saleswoman said it would. It was harvest gold, more cheery than most. I tried on three white blouses in differing styles. The first two had me thinking they would all be the same. The third blouse was pretty on the hanger, but it was poorly cut and did not look good on me.

I tried ten skirts, buying the first one and a black skirt that flared out. We purchased a white satin blouse that looked plain on the hanger but its simplicity made it beautiful when I wore it. A deep red blouse with leaves of differing fall colors was chosen by Marie. She bought me a delicate chemise that works as a slip under the white blouse.

We were ready to leave when someone called, “…Marie, wait I need to talk to you?”

Marie said, “We don’t need to wait. That is my niece Aubrey.” I slowed up to Marie’s dismay and Aubrey caught up to us.

“Aunt Marie, if I didn’t know better I’d say you were avoiding me.”

I chimed in, “She was but that’s because I’m one of her clients. I think it is one of those privacy things, but I was the one who allowed you to catch us, not her.”

Aubrey introduced herself, “I’m Aubrey Tull, and Marie’s my Dad’s youngest sister. I’m sorry, I should have known.”

I smile saying, “You don’t need to leave on my behalf unless you’re afraid I’ll bite.”

Aubrey likes Elaine’s spirit, smiled and we introduced each other. Elaine hugged Aubrey and asked, “Do you go to the Stronghold High School” I smile when she indicates she does. I then ask, “How would the students react if one of the girls at the school, was a transgender girl?”

Aubrey looks to her Aunt and then to me. “Most would accept her like they’d accept you or me. I don’t know much about transgendered girls. My understanding is they’re a girl yet somehow different. If she were my friend; I’d want to take time to know her.”

Elaine says, “I know her and she might transfer here next semester. Next year would be her senior year. She’s not sure she wants to change schools this close to graduation.”

Aubrey shakes her head, “I am not good at speaking around things. If you’re the girl? I’d be your friend and help you to be accepted.”

I’m filled with emotion: joy and being anxious to have another friend. “Oh thank you, thank you, Aubrey. I didn’t want to offend you if you’d had been uncomfortable with me.”

I turn to Marie, “I think we just solved a major world problem. We can go if you want.”

Marie turned to Aubrey, “I might see you later, even possibly stay overnight.”

Aubrey responds, “You mean, you might not be staying with your doctor friend. I thought you and her were supposed to be on a vacation already.”

Marie says, “She asked me to do a favor, we’re still getting away.”

Elaine has not been out shopping before as a girl. She’s surprised later when nurses finishing their shift come by, wanting to see the clothes she purchased. More surprised that meant modeling one of her outfits.

Grams came by later and was happily surprised that Elaine had been out shopping and two outfits were bought for her.

Dr. Pat soon came by with Marie Tull, which was good. Elaine had a question of Marie, “I thought we were going to visit today in preparation for tomorrow, but we didn’t?”

Marie waves three or four sheets of paper. “I told you it might be better we visit while we did things. Here, you and I can look over the information shared today to make sure I got things correct. If there is something you think we missed or want me to know please share. We’ll take the needed time.”

Elaine asks, “Dr. Owens are you going on vacation tomorrow or the next day?” Marie shakes her head, knowing Elaine is taking an educated guess.

Dr. Owen says, “Not tomorrow but the next day. How did you know that?” Elaine went off reading the information sheets she was given by Marie.

The next day starts busy getting prepared to go to court. A Deputy Sheriff has come to pick me up and to escort me to court. Marie asks instead, “Why don’t you drive over to the courthouse and we’ll meet you there. She isn’t on trial.”

The Deputy asks me, “Elaine are you comfortable with that arrangement?” I nodded yes. The Deputy asks, “Elaine, do you promised not to try running away? If not I will need to put an ankle monitor on you.”

I say, “I think this decorative anklet serves the same purpose. But I’m not planning on running anyplace anyway.”

Once we’re all in the courtroom and the judge is present; the bailiff asks all to rise and take an oath. The court is in session…

Story to be continued…

Just before we enter the courtroom, Marie Tull receives a message that visibly dampened her spirits. When I ask what happened, all she'd say is, “Things will be alright.” When we stood for the Judge to enter the Bailiff said, “Everyone rise for the Honorable Judge Clay Hewitt.” I was all but certain Marie told me it was to be a woman judge.

I look at the other tables and know things are different, my parents and their Lawyer, Mr. Cass, are happy with the change. I was not at all pleased, in fact, I was quite shaken.

After we’re all sworn in as a group and seated, Judge Hewitt addresses us. “It is very unusual for the docket of the judges to be changed like this. This is difficult for us as judges as we care not only for justice but one another. Judge Melanie Turner and I both have high regard for this court and the young lives and their cases that we preside over.”

I was asked to the stand, reminded of my oath and then asked to explain my request for protection and my seeing myself as a girl. Having done so, Dad’s lawyer Mr. Nash Cass rose to question me. “Your honor and the court, we have great respect for others here and their specialties. The Royces’ don’t have fancy titles but they do have the wellbeing of their son Bryce’s best interest at heart. If they have been too zealous in defending the long term interests of their son, they are sorry. We believe well-intended people are wanting to see things how they are used to see them.”

“Doctors Owens and Akers specialize in treating patients with gender dysphoria and the Court Advocate also leans heavily in support of such people. When they do their job well they are probably very important. But in this case, we believe other doctors and advocates could just as well have seen things differently.”

Judge Hewitt interrupts, “Do you have a question for young Royce?”

Nash says, “Bryce, I saw you yesterday and shared with you I come as a friend. I know you might see that differently right now. I ask, ‘Why after agreeing to go out to breakfast with your Father, did you all of a sudden leave and take-off without warning to your father or your broken-hearted mother?” Before I could answer he said, “I don’t think that was a fair way to treat one’s parents. Your Dad wanted to celebrate how well you played the night before as a quarterback and became the game’s hero.”

“Mr. Cass, I would appreciate being called Elaine Royce. I ask in answering your question that you note the larger ring on my father’s hand. Imagine how it felt after I played so hard to please him; to be hit hard over the back of my head with that stone turned inward for maximum effect. That was what I felt just before I left the restaurant. But it is minor to the hurt my father inflicts upon me because I see myself as Elaine.”

Mr. Cass says, “Well that is convenient to say, but why did no one else see it like that?”

I say, “My teammates have seen it time and again, as well as the community. But people who have spoken up in the past were ignored as was I.”

He says, “I did not really ask that as a question. The judge would you please have that answer stricken from the record?”

Judge Hewitt says, “I believe Elaine heard it as a question and she gave her answer. If you want the stenographer to read back your statement for clarification, I am willing.”

Nash asks, “Bryce are you a typical teen who at times sees things differently from your parents?”

“I guess, but I think I have worked hard to honor their requests and do as they usually say.”

Nash Cass says, “You were truthful that you sometimes differ with your folks. What you do not acknowledge is that you are often belligerent in defying your parents and we have people who can testify to that. Saturday was different in only how far you went and the accusation you made. Is that not right?”

“I see it differently, Friday and Saturday I went the furthest in playing hurt and trying to please my Dad. I played the game as a dedicated team member. I am proud of what I did and who I am.”

Nash sarcastically asks, “And how many quarterbacks defiantly put on a cheerleaders sweater and someone else’s bra on in celebration?”

“I do not know how many other quarterbacks are androgynous and have breasts that are bruised by wearing shoulder pads and being hit as a football player. But I happen to be such a person, whether or not you accept that I’m a girl.”

Judge Hewitt says, “This is not a regular court and young Royce is not here like a criminal. I would like to give a chance for others to ask questions or offer evidence in relation to Elaine. Would the Assistant Attorney please address the court and Elaine Royce?”

“Your honor I would like to offer records as exhibit A to support Elaine’s statement of the hurt she sustains as a football player in being androgynous as some breast tissue has developed. And I offer exhibit B to support that she is sustaining injuries not consistent with football injuries but that of abuse.”

Shelley Lamb the Assistant County Attorney asks, “Elaine can you indicate with how you are dressed where the shoulder pads come on you? …That seems to indicate they hit part of your breast area while leaving part of it open to direct hits. Is that true or false?

I showed them where about halfway across my bra. “Yes, it hurts as I get hit. Whether it is in the padded area of the shoulder pads or not, my soft tissue takes a beating. I’ve wanted to quit football the past three years but my father says I can’t. He said with others around that he didn’t want his son prancing around as a cheerleader, because I’m a football player.” Lawyer Nash Cass objected for some reason but was overruled.

Ms. Lamb asked, “So when did you say you wanted to be a cheerleader?”

“I didn’t, but I did say I wanted to run girls’ track and cross-country.”

“How long would you say your father abused you and blocked you from seeing yourself as a girl?”

“Well, this is the fourth year my dad got abusive because I say I’m a girl. But he has been on me since I was a younger person; saying that I was a puny sissy. …I didn’t know I was androgynous until I was eleven. But he and my mother said they knew since I was a baby. They knew when I was younger that I didn’t develop muscle tissue like other boys.”

Judge Hewitt asks my parents, “Is it true that the discovery of the past few days; confirms what you had known for years? Even since early childhood?”

Judge Hewitt reminds them they are under oath. Mr. Cass rises, objecting that they are not on trial. Judge Hewitt says, “You are correct they are not, so they should not object to answering the question?”

My Mom answers, as Lawyer Cass tells her, they don’t have too. Mom says, “Even androgynous children can develop strength and muscles with enough exercise. Richard proved that with Bryce. And Bryce knew he would develop more muscles if he lifted the weights his Dad insisted on. The punishment he received was when he wouldn’t do as his father demanded. His father was told not to hit him with the ring or anything else that would injure him. And he has not done so since Bryce was eleven or twelve. Bryce stopped complaining about that because he knew before this football season began that I no longer believed him.”

Judge Hewitt asks, “So are you saying your son still complained up to this football season, but you did not believe him?”

Mom says, “You make it sound like he might have. But I’m telling you it was because my husband didn’t do anything more like what Bryce said he did. Bryce had just become insistent he wanted to change and become a girl. We already have a girl, he’s our boy."

The Judge asks, “What is your response to findings saying Elaine had been hit three times recently. And that the markings left are consistent with that ring turned as was stated?”

My Dad arises and forcefully says, “Bryce must have done it himself.” Richard Royce speaks up, “I am sure I wasn’t even wearing the ring Saturday.”

Attorney Lamb asks, “You swear that to be true?”

“Are you accusing me of lying, I won’t put up with that!”

She asks, “I just want to verify that you know that to be the case.”

Dad says, “Of course it’s true, but we’re not going to get this settled if you waste time focusing on me.”

Ms. Lamb says, “Your honor, I have a photo taken Saturday morning at the restaurant that I want to place as an exhibit.” Cass has to check the photo as well as the judge and Marie Tull. Cass says, “Gosh, Richard.” Dad not only had the ring on, but the photo showed is was turned around improperly.

The hearing went for over four hours, not counting lunch. I felt sorry for my Dad at one point as the Assistant Attorney stated often in these cases a father has also sexually abused his child or given him over to others to teach him a lesson. I cringed and turned to Marie, “Does my case require things like that be suggested if I know they’re not true?”

Marie rose and waited to be acknowledged by Judge Hewitt. “Your Honor, there are enough issues that both Elaine and her parents probably need to work through. Elaine has confided to me sexual abuse is not one of those concerns.”

Once the hearing was ready to conclude each party got to present their recommendation regarding me, about whether I am seen as Bryce or Elaine, with whom I am to live and where I will go to school. Finally, the Judge asks if I am comfortable with him deciding between the recommendations.

I say, “Your Honor I don’t know how these this usually works. I guess you handled it pretty well and everyone’s side was heard. But what if things aren’t so neat, like me being either Elaine or Bryce. I am not sure of everything. One thing not mentioned is I would ask that my dad not to be near me for now. I am scared to even when nothing is happening.”

Judge Hewitt says, “I’ll take that into my consideration. I hope to make a decision tomorrow or Monday. It will be at least Monday before it is written up. I remand Elaine to Mrs. Joan Newton’s custody as soon as the hospital releases young Royce.”

I’m riding back to the Stronghold Medical Center when I’m startled and yell, “Move it.” I saw a pickup was obviously running a red light. Fortunately, Marie avoided the car from hitting my door; the pickup truck did bump the back of her car but then it kept going.

Marie stops and asks if I am alright. I say, “I am but he scared the life out of me!”

She says, “I think that was the point. I think if he was going to really hit us, he would have done so. I think the point was to scare us”

I say, “The driver looked like someone I know.” It takes me a while, but the face and name of Jack Winedort came to mind. That recollection sends shivers through me. I believe he even has a blue pickup like that truck.

Marie asks, “Can you say that with a surety? Did you recognize him or get his license plate number?”

“Ms. Tull, I suggest we get us to the hospital and then you can call it in. The pickup was a dark blue Chevy that’s all I can say.”

I wanted to get back to the hospital, and be released; Marie waited for the police. When I tried to tell the police officer about Jack. I was told I watched too much TV. But his partner ran the information. Before we left for the hospital; the partner was back saying, “A Jackson Winedort has a vehicle matching that description.”

It wasn’t until we were back in my room that I went to pee and began to cry.

Before I could get packed and signed out, Grams had called Deputy Tiffany Reed. Grams says, “My community is protected by the Sheriff’s Department. Deputy Tiffany’s got permission to escort us home and make sure we’re safe.”

It is only then that Dr. Owens is comfortable signing my release. She was of the mind to order another test or x-ray to keep us longer if it was needed to keep us in a safe environment. She did give me a low dose hormone supplement, saying “That will be enough for a two-week trial. Hopefully, we will know early next week, if we will get to continue to work with you.” She gave me a handshake that I turned into a hug. Dr. Patricia Owens says, “I have enjoyed coming to know you, Elaine. I would love to work with you, whatever is decided.”

Grams and I thank Dr. Patti Owens, Marie and the staff of nurses. Going home with Grams is nice but not enough for me. I now have to wait for a judge to tell me what lays ahead. Waiting is hard for me, especially when I am not in control. I am glad Grams knows someone like Deputy Tiffany Reed. I am not sure if I’m embarrassed that she’s riding ahead of us or that her lights aren’t flashing. I’d like to be special to someone. I still didn’t realize I am.

It is helpful after Tiffany checks the house that she accepts Grams invite to have a Pepsi and visit. I don’t remember anything in particular that she did or said. But she pointed out how special my Grandma is and reminds me that friends came to see me. Tiffany says, “I’m glad it was Dr. Owens who saw you. Your Grandma told me Dr. Akers is even your counselor. You probably don’t feel lucky at this point, but I am quite happy for you.” She says, “You know, I’m not just a Deputy. I could be a good friend if you ever want me. You could even be my teacher.”

I’m now puzzled by her last statement, “What do you mean, I could be your teacher? Like what do I know that you might be interested to learn?”

She says, “Elaine, I first want to be a friend. But yes, I think I can learn a lot from you by just being your friend. You are not the only boy seeing herself as a girl.”

I ask, “Does that mean, you’d also help me be a girl? I would like that. I am sure Grandma will get tired of me if it is just us.”

Grandma lightly laughs, “I wouldn’t mind some help. I’m going to need to get her some more clothes. We probably could use a younger woman’s help.”

Deputy Tiffany said, “I have tomorrow and Saturday off. I have been shopping with some of my nieces, so I know a little that might help.”

Grams asks, “Would tomorrow morning around 10:30 work for you?”

Tonight as I’m lying in the bed my mind is wandering as it has the last few nights. I pinch myself to make sure this is real. I am getting the opportunity to be me. I have longed for it but really did not expect it ever to happen. I think of my sister and Rhonda and smile realizing I will have the opportunity to be a girl like them.

Part of me is disappointed that I do not fully look a girl yet and that I am not as attractive as them. Another part of me is excited, thinking of having a bedroom with pastel pinks and yellows. Instead of a teddy bear, I want to get a kitten and then some posters appropriate for me.

I go online to order a Kim Petras poster and CD before we’d get a chance to go shopping. I knew finding a poster and music of Taylor Swift would be no trouble. I looked at several of her pictures trying to visualize how some of her outfits might look on me.

Tiffany is over by 10 a.m. and she is a lot cuter than she is in uniform. Her younger sister Tedra is with her. Tedra is sixteen and fun as she speaks up and shares her mind. “Do you think you’d really like to have the pains of having a period?”

I said to her, “No more than you, but if it meant I’m fully a girl yes. Can you understand that?”

Tedra sees my list with Kim Petras name on it. She asks, “Is she like your patron saint? You know she’s legitimately a good singer and can stand on her own.” I am glad, I won’t have to explain myself to Tedra. She teases me about liking to wear skirts and introduces me to nice fitting designer jeans. I only get two pairs of jeans. The crotch area feels and looks great as I pull up one pair that gives me a snug fit.

We go to eat at a local Italian restaurant. After a woman recognizes me from the courthouse, I am reluctant to use the women’s restroom. Finally, Tiffany gets up saying let’s all go to the women’s room to help out Elaine.” It is so embarrassing; I’m sure people are looking at me in a different way from the others. Tiff says, “Get over it, you’re making it out to be bigger than it is. Someone might come in to see if you’re doing your own makeup.”

It was funny when a girl somewhat younger comes into the restroom as I’m fixing my face.

It is five after four when my phone rings; it’s Marie Tull, “Don’t get too excited but Judge Hewitt is finding for your right to be living as Elaine Royce. He suggests you finish this year at your school, living with the Adams family during the week. Grandma Margaret Newton is to be your legal guardian and where you’re to be living on the weekends.”

“I tell you not to get overly excited because he expects your parents to appeal the ruling. You are to finish this semester and continue meeting with Psychologist Dr. Anne Akers. You can decide with her help and mine if you’ll attend your school for the second semester. You and your grandmother can pick up your copies of the decision from the Clerk of the Court Office Monday noon or after. …Temporary identification and medical cards will also be provided then.”

Everyone with us gives me a group hug and people nearby are wondering what our special news is.

I get a text from Dr. Patricia Owens, ‘Congratulations from Cancun, Mexico! We are happy for you! Yes, I’m Marie’s my special friend. More than significant other, we’re lovers. It’s not a big secret, as we tell people we’re close to.”

It is nine o’clock in the evening when my phone rings again and it’s Rhonda. It dawns on me that the Chargers are playing their second state play-off game. “We’re playing a decent game and have scored two touchdowns. But Jack Rivers just threw an interception that went for a touchdown against us. Until then we were still in the game. It is fourteen points for us and now thirty points for them with four minutes remaining.”

It is twenty minutes later when Karen calls me, “Did you hear, we lost the game, 14-37. They returned another interception. It was actually a closer game. But Coach Higgins said, your injury tipped the scales.”

She says, “When Coach was asked who his most valuable player for the season was? He said, ‘It was a tie between my brother Maynard Hart, Jim Jeters on defense and you at quarterback. Did you hear that you at Quarterback?”

It is close to midnight when I’m visiting with Rhonda and Karen. Karen says, “My brother wants me to thank you for getting him in a playoff game. He scored one touchdown and helped set up the other score. He thinks that will help him secure several college offers and a better scholarship.”

I tell them both of the judge’s decision that I remain as Elaine. “I am to return to school for the remainder of the semester. I have already called your mother Rhonda about staying there this coming week. It will be Tuesday before I am actually back taking classes. I thank you for keeping me up to date on assignments.”

Karen says, “Then tomorrow we better be shopping for some school clothes for you. You should also find a good salon. A good perm will help make it easier to take care of your hair and keep its style.”

It is a little after 7:00 in the morning when Grams wakes me up. “Grams it’s Saturday morning, why aren’t you letting me sleep in?”

She says, “Marie anticipated the decision and I have a salon appointment for you at Teresa’s Hair Fashions. Do you anticipate any of your friends coming this way today?”

I say, “Yes, but what made you think of that?”

“Your cousin Heather says she’s excited for you. She suspects those closer to you would be seeking to catch up to you if their schedules weren’t too busy. She says, Cathy is a new beautician at Hair Fashions, but she’s very good.”

Come eight thirty there’s a knock on the door and someone is letting themselves in. “Grams, I’m here; does Elaine know I’m coming?” I barely recognize Heather’s voice. Her appearance has also changed as it’s been over a year, may two since we saw each other. Heather was then a late blooming teenage girl. Now she looks like she emerged from a cocoon and is now a butterfly. I smile with delight as I see her.

I say, “Grams is in her bathroom I think. Wow, Cousin, you’ve really blossomed.”

Heather sings, “Where is the boy cousin I knew? You haven’t transitioned already, have you? I think you are going to enjoy my salon. Have you ever been to one before?”

I say, “Only in my dreams.” Heather and I share a hug. I am glad she is not repulsed by me wanting to be Elaine or my breasts bumping hers.

Heather says, “Sara sent me a picture of you. It didn’t do justice, but it did help me to recognize you. You’re already attractive enough to be a regular girl. Grams says you have a couple of pretty outfits. I am glad you decided to go with the jeans for now. Can I help how you with how you look up top?”

I look down, wondering what’s wrong. She asks, “Did you have more than that when you went to court the other day?” I’m guessing she saw a picture from then. “You should try to be close to how you’ve presented yourself before.”

“The pictures I saw, you looked like a high school girl, and now you look like a girl who’s in middle school. Please don’t do that. People will remember and some can be cruel enough without any help.”

I say, “Grams said I should be casual.”

Heather lightly giggles, “I am not sure what casual means to you. You do not accomplish a casual look by pulling out half of your stuffing.” We are both laughing as we walk past Grams on the way to my bedroom. It’s not hard for Heather to help me achieve the look I had. “See just a little help and making sure you’re in your bra properly.”

I thank her and she helps to make sure my purse is properly filled as we go back out to Grams. We are to the salon by 9:00 and Cathy is a cute woman, probably 23. Cathy says, “You have a nice head of hair young lady. Would you mind if we add some highlights and shape it more?” She pauses and Heather speaks up, “Would you like tighter curls or bigger curls, more wavy hair?”

Grandma had a hair styling book at home and Teresa’s has the same one there. I turn in at least fifteen pages, “Would this one work for me?”

Heather shows the book to Grandma, saying, “She does have an image of the girl inside, I’m impressed.”

Cathy agrees, “Yes that will be a nice look on you. But what’s about this girl inside?”

I respond, “They think, I’ve been too boyish in my appearance.”

Cathy says, “We’re saying good-bye to that boy look today?” I acknowledge, yes.

I am in the salon chair and recline back to have my hair shampooed. It is the first time since I was a little boy that I feel someone shampooing and massaging my scalp. My head of hair feels like it has grown and becomes bigger as she conditions my hair. When she rinses it out I cannot help but feel my hair. I am amazed it is mine. Its touch and texture is like I hoped. But I’m disappointed as I sit up. There’s no indication of the highlights. Cathy combs it out all around, cutting in some place, more as she is putting in curlers. She uses foil or strips as she rolls some areas and brushes on a solution. She says, “This is the highlighting.”

My eyes tear, “You thought I forgot didn’t you,” she asks? “You are like a little girl here aren’t you?”

I answer, “I’ve never been in a salon, before. I’ve dreamt being in the cosmetic section of a store and someone asks me to sit down. I dreamed they made up my face to make it pretty.”

Cathy says, “You won’t need to use a lot to be pretty. You have a very nice complexion.” She pauses, “You do know you are already pretty don’t you?” I can tell Cathy is moved when I shook my head ‘no’. She looks at Grandma and asks, “I probably shouldn’t ask or say anything. Does she have one of those fathers, who don’t value the daughter he has?”

Cathy turns to me again, “Well young woman, I’m not here to sell you a product as much as I hope you will come to know how beautiful you are. You don’t need much if any makeup for that. I want you to grow to respect yourself. That will be the greatest help for most to see you’re beautiful.”

I am under the dryer for maybe twenty minutes. Cathy unwraps where my hair had foil over it. First, she brushed that hair out and then brushed it in with my other hair. When I saw the different waves, curls and the highlights in my hair a big smile came over my face.

Heather and Grams are behind me as I look into the mirror. Heather is saying thanks to Cathy and Grams says, “It’s adorable. Do you like it?”

“Not only do I like it Grandma, but it’s totally for Elaine.”

Grams asks, “What does that mean?”

I say, “It’s my look as Elaine, even if I brush it out. There’s no way it looks good for Bryce.” …Someone text me, ‘I might be up for first team conference quarterback.’ I shake my head, no; “I don’t really think I’ll get it. But if I do, I’d receive it as Elaine, aka Bryce.”

The rest of the morning, we’re shopping. I purchase my first pair of heels when Rhonda comes in with her sister Jennifer and her friend Myrna. “Can we see what you bought,” Rhonda asked? Jennifer adds, “Now can we see you trying them on again?”

Cousin Heather introduces herself to them, “Why don’t you help us to find her a nice skirt outfit? She can put them on then and really show off her new self.” We soon leave here and go to New York and Company. Grams suggests everyone pick out one outfit for me to try on with the exception I’m to pick two.

Rhonda quickly notices a striped duster sweater and skirt. She says, “I think this is either mismarked it or it’s on the wrong set of racks.” The regular price is $89, but above the rack, it says $34.95 and the skirt is marked twenty-five dollars. There is a bright blue coordinated blouse. I am not sure if the blouse is a pullover or if it opens at the back, but it is listed at $25.00. The ones she picked for me are blues, black and red in a zig-zag.

Grams says, “She needs a size 10.’ which Rhonda soon has set aside. Jennifer picks out a similar outfit of greens, black, and a bright gold stripe. Rhonda says, “You should pick something different for her.”

Jennifer says, “I will, but if Mom says yes, I’m getting this for me.” Jennifer picks a Campbell plaid skirt and sash for me, suggesting a white or red satin blouse. Heather picks a camel tan three-tiered skirt she’s picked two camisole tops and a print top to be worn over them.

Marcy says, “She needs a good basic blue skirt but my first choice is this mini-dress. I like what I see of her legs.” I knew a few bruises leftover from her football days needs to heal.

My first outfit is a knee-length red skit with an off white sweater. I choose a long blue skirt with a red shell top and medium weight winter sweater of snowflakes and snowmen. I’ve wanted a sweater like this since I was eight or nine. That was before I knew about being androgynous or transgendered.

Thanks to gift cards from the Harts and Adams along with three hundred dollars awarded me through the county court and Grams. I am able to put together a nice wardrobe to begin as Elaine.

Everyone is spending the night at Grams and pizza is scheduled to arrive a half hour after we got home. Grams had been hoping I will go with her to church before she knew Heather and my friends are staying the night. Rhonda says, “If your Grams doesn’t mind how we’re dressed; we’re all willing to go to church if it isn’t too late.”

We are all ready for bed around 11:00 o’clock when Rhonda and Karen lead a tickling attack on me. I am beginning to break when I feel the bodies of different girls against me. One of my hands feels Rhonda’s breasts. My left leg is between Karen’s legs and I can feel she is hot. Heather and Jennifer are tickling me and I begin to cry.

Soon I am lying back against Grams, and Grams asks the others to kneel around me. “Don’t be afraid, I’m told this happening is an unusual surprise… Elaine knows this is who you are. There is a frustration giving way to a long-sought joy. In simple words, you’ve touched her. You are friends she has long wanted to be another girl.”

Rhonda brings my hand back to her breast and Heather brings my other hand to my breast. Heather says, “You’re like any other girl, but we’re all different. I hope Elaine is excited about going to school…”

To be continued…

Bryce Royce - a junior, starting quarterback
Elaine Royce- Is Bryce as she appears to be
Sara Royce – Sister
Audrene Royce - Mom
Coach Higgins
Hadley Ford, Johnny James, Maynard Hart - football players
Karen Hart – Cheerleader and Maynard’s younger sister
Pam Hart – young cousin to Karen and Maynard
Jack Rivers – new quarterback
Dr. Anne Akers
Deputy Tiffany Reed
Grandma Margaret (Peggy) Newton
Nurse Cathy, Nurse Sandra Collins
Dr. Patricia Owens
Rhonda Adams, her sister Jennifer and friend
Ms. Shelley Lamb - Assistant County Attorney
Nash Cass – Parents’ lawyer
Cousins Heather Newton and Chase White

Previously: Soon I am lying back against Grams, and Grams asks the others to kneel around me. “Don’t be afraid, I’m told this happening is an unusual surprise… Elaine please know this is who you are… There is a frustration giving way to a long sought joy. In simple words, you’ve touched Rhonda. You are friends; the friend you have long wanted to be another girl.”

Now: Rhonda brings my hand back to her breast and Heather brings my other hand to my breast. Heather says, “You’re like any other girl, but we’re all different. I hope Elaine is excited about going to school…”

Elaine wakes early in the midst of a covey of girls in her room, two of them sharing the bed with her. She sits up in bed running her fingers and hands through her hair, until she locates the pins holding it in place. Stretching and moving her legs around until she can scoot out of bed and stand beside it. After taking care of things, she makes her way to Grandma’s kitchen. Grandma is pouring a cup of tea that she brings to Elaine.

Heather’s hello, reminds her that her cousin also spent the night. Heather suggests, “If you’re open we can go over to the ice arena. Some guys either have a hockey game today or practice at 11:00; I can’t remember which one of them you seemed to fancy.”

“Um, I am having trouble getting my mind around that this is real. You're asking me to go watch boys playing hockey.”

Heather says, “I am not sure whether you like boys or not, but you liked them looking at you when we were shopping yesterday.”

I protest, “No I didn’t! I just wasn’t use to them watching us.” Heather stares at me like she didn’t believe me. I finally give in, “Okay, I did like them looking. It was the first time I could relax and enjoy someone looking at me.”

I hear a voice behind me, it’s Rhonda. ”I am glad you acknowledged that as I didn’t want to side against you. Heather, any chance you know who the guy was with the dark brown hair? I think that is the one that Elaine was eyeing the most.”

Heather says, “I’m not sure, but I got a text from one of them, Matt. He said, they’d be at the skating rink at 11:00 a.m. I’m to let them know if we’re coming.”

Rhonda says, “This reminds me Elaine. Max Sievers said hello and hopes you will come back to our school. He told me he’d have your back, especially if you’re Elaine. What does he mean about ‘having your back’?”

Grams encourages us to eat a good breakfast and to be careful when we go to the ice arena. Grams tells Rhonda, “It’s a guy thing, military and now sports, meaning he’ll be watching out for her even when she’s not looking. Am I right Bryce?”

“Yes Grams, but he knew the message would be to Elaine. We’ve text since I’ve been here.”

Jennifer is now in the kitchen, “Is Max someone you’d date Elaine. Rhonda says, ‘Like with me any date will undergo close scrutiny by her. I think if anyone would pass our mom’s inspection Max is one who’s likely to pass.”

I try to refrain from any expression, “I’m not saying anything about him nor field a bunch of questions like it.”

I was not thinking when we dressed to go to the ice arena. While it’s cold outside, I decided I could handle the cold for a short while until I got inside the skating arena. I wore a shorter skirt and true to my thought I easily survived going outside to get there. What I hadn't thought of was the ice arena was kept cold to maintain the ice.

Mom Adams, had sent with Rhonda a pair of silver gray tights. Rhonda whispered, “Mom sent this when she saw you’re wearing a skirt. It’s just in case you decide to skate.”

My eyes widen as I am already cold and I hadn’t heard anything about the possibility of skating. “Tights, really? Some tights can be scratchy and uncomfortable, but I need to be warmer.”

Rhonda echoes, “Elaine, you should know my Mom would not shackle you with bad tights. She thought when you didn’t” I could hear in her voice that she understood that I’m growing as a girl. I place the tights into my purse, but do not run off to the girls’ room to put them on.

I want to be warmer, but I feel so much like a little girl. I don’t want to be a little girl in Rhonda’s eyes. I’m sixteen, I want to be an equal with Rhonda and others.

Jennifer nudges me from the other side, “Don’t look sad Elaine, you’re not being looked down on. You know my Mom just wants to be supportive of you. Before she gave you the tights, she already had your interest at heart. I think your tights will be fashionable and comfortable. She could have called them leggings.” Jenn gently squeezes my hand.

I smiled, “Will you go with me to the restroom to put them on.” Jennifer took my hand only long enough to get us started towards the girls’ locker-room.

I like how the silver blue shows off my legs. Tyler, the boy I noticed last night, seems to be noticing me today. “Wow,” he quietly says to himself. “Elaine is it? I’m sorry if I embarrass you. But I saw you earlier and already thought you were attractive. Now your leggings make your legs stand out and you look beautiful.”

Tyler pauses, “If this means you’re planning to skate later could I be your partner?”

I say, “I put the leggings on to keep warm. I didn’t realize the arena would be kept so cold. I am not much of a skater. You wouldn't want to be straddled with someone like me. I saw how good of a skater you are.”

Tyler says, “So you noticed me that good. I think I would enjoy helping you to skate better and enjoy getting to know you.”

Rhonda comes over, “So are you two open to team up in skating?”

Tyler says, “We’re halfway there; I'm willing and I hope she’ll be willing too.”

Rhonda looks over to me, “I thought you indicated that it was Tyler that you found attractive. So what would be your problem in skating with him?”

She turns to Tyler, “Do you think we can get access to the rental skates. I’m not sure with heavy socks if she’ll need 8s or eight and a half size skates.”

Bryce ego arises and begins to feel bad that he only wears such small skates. Then a big smile comes to my face as my feet are quite normal for most girls.

We only had a half hour to skate, but it was quite enjoyable. Tyler had kept on his hockey skates but he had no trouble doing anything including helping me to skate. Once, I began to fall and Tyler helped me to regain my balance. As the music ended, Tyler was holding me from behind. He caused me to twirl and the next thing I knew we were face to face. Our eyes kept contact with each other until I close mine as Tyler moves to kiss me. His lips are nice and tender. Though the kiss is too short I enjoy it very much. I can see that Tyler is thinking something and I ask what it is.

Tyler looks around and then we step away from others. He works up the courage and finally asks, “Someone said you use to be a boy. Well, I thought you're too pretty to have been a boy and your lips indicate that is impossible. I just wondered why anyone would say that.”

Now it is me who is working up the nerve to say what I need to tell him. “Tyler, I think others say that because my body is androgynous but my father had force me to act like a guy. I like and prefer being me, Elaine. I hope that doesn’t freak you out.”

Tyler says, “No” but his expression is that of a person who is now unsure. He asks and I explain about being androgynous. He doesn’t walk away but the next half hour feels awkward. It was later in the evening Tyler texts me. “I hope I wasn’t rude. My mom and cousin explained things to me. Mom indicated that there would be no problem in just walking away and finding another girlfriend. My cousin Stacie asks, “Why I like you?”

“I hear that you will be around some weekends. I think I would still like to go out on a date sometime as long as you look very girly.”

I had mixed feelings as we ended our text conversation.

I’m happy to have Monday with Grams and getting my things packed to live with the Adams during the week. I have one pretty dress and two outfits that stay in my room at Grams’. I am to bring all my dirty clothes home, but with Mrs. Adams help that hopefully doesn’t happen.

We arrive at the Adams house around ten in the morning; Rhonda and Jennifer are already at school. That gives Grams, Ruth Adams and me a chance to visit and get my clothes sorted in my room.

I am surprised when Jennifer and Rhonda come bouncing into the house after school. They dropped what little school stuff they had. Rhonda changes her top and Jennifer puts on a cute pair of designer jeans and another blouse. The jeans looked like a nice fitting pair of gloves showing every curve and movement; I’m jealous. They are pulling me toward the door to go to a school hangout, The Bench.

I dug in my heels and said, “Not like this, please.” I rush to my room and change into a skirt that is a bit more fashionable and a top that looks more appropriate for my first showing back.

Rhonda says, “That’s nice, if they don’t see the difference Elaine makes they're blind.” We are soon to The Bench. It is good to see Hadley, Max and Karen again. Tiffany, Mariah and Jaz, Rhonda’s friends are there as well. Either something else is happening or word must have been out I’m back. Because the place is so full that people are sitting on the benches where people are usually waiting for a table to sit at. Trevor and his sidekick Spike are there so I know it is not a pure welcome home party. A paper airplane flew from Trevor’s direction. It whizzes past my head but Cece picks it up, reads something and brings it over to me. There’s a note, “Sissy boy is not welcome. Go back to your closet little tramp.” I can’t help but laugh at Trevor’s communication and its spelling. It’s apparent that my laughter is not liked by Trevor, Spike or a girl with them. I recognized her, but her being in eighth or ninth grade I didn’t know her name.

We’re there a good forty minutes when Karen says we need to get going. There is a clothing store not far away that we call the ‘spirit shop’. It’s the first time I get a school jersey designed to for a girl. While they’re embroidering Elaine over the back above my number 3; I begin looking at cross trainers athletic shoes that I’ll need to school and romping around.

Bryce worried much less about how things looked, nor did he/I like spending much shopping. I definitely have my own style; I’m not outlandish with my spending or the names on the clothing labels. I do like having Karen, Rhonda and Jennifer and other girls shopping with me. It feels more and more awkward to have things I need to ask about that the other girls just take in stride.

We are home, the Adams home, where I feel welcome to be part of their family. I call Sara but our conversation is bittersweet. She saw me going off shopping, but says it would not be good for her to be seen talking with me. After we talked, I wept. Rhonda felt for Sara and me. She already felt sad and frustrated for Sara had been her friend. Sara has been warned not to spend much time with Rhonda.

Rhonda shows me two dresses and four other outfits that Sara had sneaked out of the house. She gave them to Rhonda for me. I hadn’t thanked Sara when we talked, because I hadn’t yet known about the clothes.

I wear Sara’s long jeans skirt and a pretty red blouse for my first day back at school. I am so anxious about everything that I feel sick in my tummy up until lunch. I am limited in the restrooms I can use; the one at the nurse’s office and a special one that is handicapped accessible. Some teachers are happy to call me Elaine as instructed. Two teachers call me Bryce with one excusing herself for calling me by the wrong name. The other called me Bryce three different times with no excuses.

I did get to see and hug Sara twice in the hall. I told off one boy when he complains about our hug as a personal display of affection, PDA, which is against school policy. “Jared, if you complain to the office; you will have this girl all over you. It will be a different display of personal attention.”

Trevor trying to give me a bad time would not be a surprise. After he heard about Jared. He gets in my face and says, “I’m not scared of you! I’m going to make life here miserable for you!”

I said, “Oh that’s good because I want to become your good friend.” I expected Trevor to be mean, and I had not thought of saying anything like I just did. But Trevor was in my next class and I decided to walk with him into class and sit next to him. Trevor is angered, tries to push me out of the desk chair. “Hey, you’re not wanted, get out of here!”

I smile, “But I want to be your friend since we’re not afraid of each other.” Mr. Howser our history teacher asks if things are okay. Trevor shouts “No!” And I say, “Yes, Mr. Howser, I’m young Royce. I just want others to know Trevor and I are friends. But I think he has a problem with our friendship being known. He’s just being a little macho.”

Mr. Howser says, “Please be quiet about it.”

Trevor says, “Mr. Howser make him move, I don’t want to be associated with him!”

“If you didn’t notice Trevor she’s a girl; an attractive one at that.”

Without thought I say, “He has one other friend who is gay. I don’t know why I upset him.”

Mitchell Collins quickly says, “I never said that.” I now feel terrible as I did not intend for him to out himself. I didn’t even know he’s possibly gay, nor do I think many others knew. Mitch speaks up, “I’m as straight as the next guy.”

Their friend Adin mutters but others hear, “If the ‘nest guy’ is Pat.” Pat is another classmate who is known to be gay. The hurt for Mitch is seen as he sinks down in his chair. I get up and move over to the area I regularly sit in.

It is as lunch is ending that I get a message, ‘I am to see Coach Scott Higgins.’ I knock on Coach’s door saying, “Coach, I was told you want to see me.”

Coach smiles, “You must be happy with the acclaim and recognition you are getting. I have another piece of good news I want to share with you.” He can tell by my expression that I don’t know what he’s talking about. He asks, “Didn’t you see Sunday’s sports section? You were named third team quarterback by the Ledger for division 2 schools.” He said, “My news is that the Patriot Conference has you tied with Dresner as the top All-Conference Quarterback. There is a conference banquet to be held after the turn of the year and they want you to attend. …I do not know if there is a tie-breaker or not, but the Conference has sent word to me to make sure you attend the banquet.”

I say, “But Dresner’s a senior at Western and he’s a real quarterback and he’s very good. My stats can match his.”

Coach Higgins says, “I know, I haven’t been the best support to you, but you had my vote as #1. When people think of quarterbacks; it is not just about the statistics. You were a difference maker this season.” He says, “If it is not too sexist of me. You are the prettiest quarterback I’ve ever seen playing. And I wouldn’t mind if you’re our quarterback next season. I didn’t know about all your issues, I thought that you were a small overachiever. You proved me wrong time and again. I’m now a big fan.”

I am surprised by all the news and need to sit down. Though I also need to get to class. “Do you really want or expect me to go to the Conference Banquet? Am I to be the laughing stock of the conference? A girl showing up to a football awards banquet.”

Coach says, “You could come as Bryce, I think that might be preferable. But if it was really a girl that played quarterback for us, you have my support for coming as Elaine to the banquet. And I’m serious about next season.”

“What about my father; I don’t think he’ll be civil to my doing either one.”

He says, “That will be my problem and his. He won’t be going to the Patriot Conference Award night. And I have over half a year to find another defense coach, if you’re playing.”

I say, “I don’t want a worse beating up of my body than this year. That is what it would be if I play again. Every team would take me seriously next year. As I told my dad, I’d rather be running cross-country as a girl.”

Coach Higgins says, “That’s another reason you should be at the banquet. It’s a fall sports banquet, which includes cross-country and girls’ volleyball. I think your friend Rhonda Adams is cross-country, isn’t she? She should be going.”

I feel up-lifted as I head back to my classes and finish the day and return home with Rhonda and Jennifer. I text Grams on my way home, “Grams, I had a good day returning to school. If you have Sunday’s newspaper keep it; don’t throw it out. I’m mentioned in the sports section.” A quick check of the paper online just shows my name Bryce Royce as quarterback. I miss the article back on page 7, ‘Strange Happenings’. I find out about that when I got home: “Our selection of Bryce Royce the undersized quarterback who made good. Is all the more surprising since young Royce identified himself a few weeks ago as a transgender girl Elaine Royce. Seemingly her stated playing weight, being reported to be 150-55 pounds was overstated. Her true playing weight was at best 145 pounds. Male or female Royce was a fill-in quarterback, who became an impact player. It is not likely that the team would have done as well or gained a play-off berth without Royce at quarterback. …First team All-Stater Maynard Hart says, ‘When she was at quarterback; we felt we could do what was needed to win a game and we did.”

When Maynard was recently asked, “Did you know she was a girl quarterback?” Maynard stated, “I had no idea then, but I’m a believer now. On the field she was as gutsy as any guy I know. I owe part of my recognition to Elaine.”

Once home I asked, “Mrs. Adams, Coach Higgins said I’m to go to the Patriots Conference Awards Banquet? So far I’m tied as the top quarterback in the conference. Coach Higgins says the award will probably only go to one of us. He says, they like to keep several awards to be uncertain until the banquet.”

“One thing,” Mrs. Adams says, “while you’re here I am Mom Adams. Do you understand?”

I ask, “Would it be okay just to call you Mom at times?” Mom, it would be at home or Mom Adams, or Mrs. Adams out in public.

Rhonda’s there, “Can you believe it Mom a girl receiving an All-Conference award for being a quarterback. How unlikely is that?”

Ma Adams smiles as she says, “I think it is great. I am sure that All-Stater Maynard Hart will be supportive. Do you intend to go to the award banquet as Elaine?”

Delighted I say, “Thanks to Rhonda’s discovery when she saw my panties showing when I was out running. I’ve never been so sure and accept that I’m a girl. It was me, Elaine, who played at quarterback and who will accept the award if I win it.”

The ensuing days at school, girls are interested in how I come to school. Not my recognition as quarterback but what outfits I wear and how I do my hair and makeup. It is the week before the holiday break is to begin and the school approves one girls’ restroom I can use. The reality is that other girls are more likely to try to spy on me when I’m in there. What I do like, is other girls helping to add their touch to how I look.

The neatest time though sad, was when a girl came into the school hurt by her so-called boyfriend. No, I didn’t pick a fight with him. She cried on my shoulder and we talked girl to girl. She liked that I understood the insensitivity of some boys. Tyrese and some others girls have since become some of my closer friends.

Home with Grams, I’m to make a Christmas list which is fun, yet strange and difficult. Grams is also encouraging me to remember my parents and Sara. She says, I have $100 from my folks to spend for Christmas. I really doubt it’s from my folks. It might be from Aunt Cherise, Cousin Heather’s Mom. I’m hoping it is not from Grams. She’s not poor, but she’s not very well off either.

The last week at school before break, I go to my bank and take out some money from my savings account. Grams allows me to spend some money on extra Christmas lights and garland. They go well with Grandma’s decorations. Officer Tiffany takes me out shopping for gifts once and again just to go shopping, so she could visit with me.

I tell Officer Tiffany Reed that my folks are invited over for the Newton family Christmas on December 26. Part me hopes my father won’t come; I even have mixed feelings about wanting to see my Mom. But I know one or both need to come if I’m to see Sara. Plus Grams should have the opportunity to see her daughter for Christmas. It wouldn’t be a good Christmas if Sara and I don’t get together. That is kind of funny because we haven’t always been very close in high school. Now it is an unusual day that we don’t talk or text each other.

Officer Reed tells me I should have her on quick dial if and when my Dad comes to visit.

The longer my hair gets and I diet, the more I am looking like my sister. That means I am taking after my mother and not my dad.

To be continued…

It’s the first Tuesday of Winter Break and I have my appointment with Dr. Marie Owens and another counselling session with Dr. Anne Akers. It’s my third time that I had been to the clinic, the day before I had blood drawn. Grams comes in with me; I changed into the exam garment. Once again it feels strange that Dr. Owens is examining me like a girl. I know that is who I am and how she should be doing it. I'm just not used to it, and I am anxious about what she’s going to say. I’m pretty sure nothing will change today, but waiting is hard for me.

I didn’t tell her, ‘I fully believe I’m a girl and being Bryce is getting more distasteful each day.’ She presses around my nipples which are becoming more sensitive. Talking to record notes she says, “Breast tissue seems to be forming around nipples. With blood test results, it seems the testosterone blocker has unmasked the production of female hormones.’” She continues my exam while asking various questions like: “How do you feel dressing and going to school as a girl? ...I see you’ve been losing weight. Is that by choice or do you feel it is necessary to be a girl?”

I told her I’m enjoying being me a lot, but I was not sure what the right answer was about losing weight. Finally, I say, “Tanya Joens is my size and she weighs 126.”

Marie sits across from me before inviting Grams back in. “What will it take for you being comfortable with yourself?”

I said, “That is why I had trouble answering you, I don’t know what the correct answer should be.”

She smiles, “You’re not much different from other girls. The correct answer is your answer, and not what anyone else says or thinks. You’re not this Tanya. We can’t go back to when Dr. Akers first suggested you go on a testosterone blocker. It is important that you become comfortable with being Elaine now. Unless you wanted to stay as Bryce?”

“What do you mean when Dr. Akers first suggested I go on the testosterone blocker? You two talked about it when I was here in the hospital. Are you saying she suggested it before?”

She answers, “It’s in her notes that when you were thirteen; she had agreed then that you’re a girl. She met with you and your parents about that. She suggested you should see a medical doctor and everyone talks about a testosterone blocker being used.”

“Damn,” I say. “I just remember my parents saying. ‘I was no girl and wouldn’t ever be one.’ They weren’t so nice about what they said either, but I think you understand.” Dr. Owens wants me to compose myself before we continue.

I ask, “If we’re going to talk more, can Grams be in with me? I’m afraid I will say something I shouldn’t if she’s not here.”

Dr. Owens seems amused at my request, as she sends Nurse Audrey Stills to get Grams. They are back shortly. Dr. Owens restated that it was first suggested I use hormones and testosterone blockers when she was thirteen. Grams shockingly to me says, “Yes, her parents told me that soon after the appointment. They expected me to be happy with getting their way, but I had been an instructor at the Monmouth Community College. I had seen young women and men eaten up inside, trying to deny themselves to please others. It wasn’t a year after that I was kept from seeing Bryce/Elaine alone.”

Dr. Owens says, “I guess, you probably don’t want the flack of signing the approval for Elaine to continue on the testosterone blocker. Or our petition to the court for her to go on hormone treatment so she can develop as the woman she is.”

Grandma Newton says, “I surely do want to sign both of those; if you and Dr. Akers are in favor of recommending it. My Granddaughter Elaine has gone through hell because she has not been allowed to be herself.”

I can’t hold my emotions and give Grams a great big hug saying “Thanks, Grams.”

I tell Dr. Patti Owens, “I have an appointment here with Dr. Akers here today in two hours.”

Dr. Patti smiles, “Yes, I know. Dr. Anne Akers and I thought it would be good to make a recommendation to the Court while we have the same judge and while Judge Hewitt still has your case in his memory.”

“Do you think he’ll still remember my case from over a month ago? I kind of remember what he looks like but I had already forgotten his name.”

“From what Ms. Tull says, it is a unique case and you made a big impression on the Judge. He might counsel with the judge who first expected the case, but we’re anticipating a positive result. It will likely take some time, but we will have the petition in before the end of the year. Hopefully, it will be decided sooner rather than later.”

Dr. Owens does feel comfortable in continuing the hormone blocker. “I will give you a slightly higher dose of the hormones to test for your body’s compatibility if that is alright with you.” I and Grandma are in agreement.

“Can I take them two to three weeks to make sure they’re good for me?”

Dr. Owens says, “A full month’s prescription should be satisfactory, but we will wait to hear what Dr. Akers says about your well-being and suitability to continue.”

Grandma and I left the clinic attached to the hospital and got a bite and something to drink at the Garden Café. I drank my hot chocolate with two hands as I’m cold. Grams talks, about what is being considered. I’m not sure what it means and why I want very strongly to become Elaine physically.

I guess we both received a text from my cousin Heather. “Are they allowing you to become Elaine?”

I ask, “Grams does Heather know something I don’t?”

Grams says, “I think she’s just hoping you are allowed to do what will make you happy and feel complete. She told me she has been researching this stuff since she met Elaine. She’s very happy for you. She and your sister communicate quite regularly.”

I say, “I know, Heather and Rhonda each help fill-in my sister Sara with the latest news. It helps Sara and I to stay connected. But I’m upset that we have to use others. I’m not sure but Dad might have done something or threatened her once.”

Grams asks, “Should we ask people to check on her?”

“Grams, I’m not sure. If they can’t find something or prove its Dad; things might continue or get worse for her. Dad could even threaten to hurt Mom or our dog to scare Sara. I’m pretty sure it will get worse, but Sara probably won’t believe that yet. It took her a long time to believe me. She still thought I would be okay if I cooperated with Dad.

“I would be a girl with ape-like arms if I had cooperated with him. I guess I tried to please him, but working up muscles wasn’t one of the things I did.”

It is time to see Dr. Akers and we are to another clinic where we’re to see her. The receptionist says she doesn’t have us listed. Dr. Anne comes behind us and says, “It is okay, Dr. Coleen Greene said we can use her office.” The receptionist knew it had been reserved for someone, but didn’t know whom. After we’re seated Dr. Anne asks like she doesn’t know, “How are you doing?”

I try to joke back, “I am Elaine and I am doing well. I hope to be doing better. I want you to agree to help me!”

Dr. Akers giggles at my energy and speaking out as I did. She says, “I am here in support of you, but what I agree to will be based on good medical reasoning. I hope you are willing to take the needed time to do things right. I wouldn’t want to help set your life on one course to find out we made a premature decision. Would you?”

“I am furious that I didn’t realize you suggested a testosterone blocker some three years ago. Haven’t I been patient enough?”

I soon settle down and we have a very good visit. I will get to see her once more during the holiday break. She did agree with Dr. Owens about keeping me on the blocker as well as the hormones, at the slightly higher dose. I got shots for both today and a prescription for the hormones.

I am glad to have Deputy Reed help me to shop for Gram’s gift. She helps me select a cute pair of earrings for Cousin Heather. I got an iTunes card for Sara along with a $15 card for Victoria’s Secrets.

Tiffany Reed has become my favorite Aunt. She has a way of getting me to open up to her. She has promised whatever I tell her stays with us. There are exceptions, but they’re reasonable.

Saturday afternoon I go out with Heather and some girls and we meet up with boys after shopping. Karen and Rhonda met us at the mall. Snow was falling so our getting together with boys was short. Tyler Harp thought I’d match up with him.

I chose to remain with Karen. With the excuse of saying we needed to look at a skirt, we took some time to be alone. “Karen, I hope I don’t offend you. I do want to keep you as a friend, but I want to be honest.”

Karen is downcast; she is expecting bad news. I’m afraid she’s going to get angry or feel sick about it. I almost didn’t say it. “Karen, I like boys liking me, but I don’t have strong feelings for them.”

She knows I have not said all that I want to, but I’m stuck and not saying everything seems right. Finally, she says, “You can trust me to be your friend. Please tell me what you need to say, I can handle it.”

I look to her and take hold of one of her hands. “I still have feelings for you… Warm feelings.”

Karen quickly relaxes and smiles, “I was afraid you didn’t want to see me again. I wasn’t sure if you were ever really attracted to me. I first thought it was weird you wanted my cheer sweater. Didn’t you realize I had feelings for Bryce? I’m not sure what I think about being a lesbian. I don’t like other girls, but I continue to have feelings for you.”

We both hug, but we’re not comfortable kissing, so we don’t.

I am glad when we need to go home that Rhonda and Karen decide not to travel home in the snow and dark.

Grams makes me promise I’ll act purely as a girl if she lets us sleep in the same room. I’m glad as among other things they helped me wrap gifts. Rhonda tells us, “You two can share the floor together if you promise not to do anything more than a kiss.”

“Why would you say anything like that,” I ask?

Rhonda says, “Because Karen has a lot of feelings for you. They were for Bryce, but she’s still got feelings for you. Now that she’s happy; I figured that must have been what you two talked about. …I am sure Karen has done research like I did. I can’t say I expected it, but I’m not at all surprised you both have the hots for each other.

We compare our searches about me and agree that I am here to stay as Elaine. Grams checks on us before she goes to bed. I thought we’re in trouble as the three of us were examining me: my blossoming buds and we’re measuring around my hips when Grams knocked and opened the door.

Grams is comfortable with what we’re doing saying she remembered doing similar things with her girlfriends as well as my Mom doing the same. Karen says, “But you were both naturally girls.”

Grams says, “As I said before, as long as Bryce doesn’t show up I’m comfortable. If you would, please write down her measurements and stick them in a pocket of her purse. Better yet note it someplace in her personal information.

The closer we get to Christmas the more nervous I’m becoming worried about my family coming. Christmas Eve, we go to dinner at Cousin Heather’s; we’re to go to church at 11:00. Aunt Kenda is a Native American of the Dakota nation. Heather and Dakota the oldest daughter have their mother’s beautiful black hair and high cheekbones. Tala who is nineteen and in college takes after the Newton side of the family. She is attractive in her own right. I had been to Dakota’s wedding when I became a teenager and knew she had a baby but didn’t know Dakota’s six months pregnant. She’s hoping she’ll have a girl.

Heather enlightens me, they don’t have Christmas with my family because of my parents. My father had always been critical of Kenda for keeping her Native name. Many people call her Kendra, which she doesn’t mind. But that over the years Dad has become more derogatory causing the relationships to be severed. The last time they’ve all been together was Gramp's funeral. Some say it was the last time Dad had been civil. The truth is dad was real careful around whom he said what.

Kenda has the meal well in hand, so when she greets me she insists I spend time with her and Dakota. “Elaine, you are at ease in your skin that is very good. Would you mind if we have a meditative time after dinner before or after church?”

Kenda tells me she believes in Christ; Heather says her Dad and all of us know many Dakota traditions. They share gifts after dinner with Grams and I. I have my gift for Heather. Heather and the Newtons give me two pieces of Dakota gold jewelry. One is a bracelet of golden strands woven together and the other is similar but it’s a choker with a black onyx bead.

I don’t yet know jewelry very well, but when Grams says, “Oh my.” It confirms the feelings inside that they have honored me and not held my parents against me. My uncle is excused along with Dakota’s husband.

Tala, Heather, Dakota, and Grams all know what is happening as Kenda speaks in her native tongue. I am caught by surprise when Kenda reaches under Dakota’s skirt. Dakota winces but quickly smiles as her mother touches my head and then my lips and asks me to suck from her finger. She again says something in her language and then in English. “Elaine you are a woman, but you should give thanks to Bryce; he has served you well.” There are tears in both eyes as I speak with thanks to Bryce and ask his spirit to abide within.

There’s a mixture of honey, oats, nuts and spices and herbs I do not know. Kenda asks for my cousins to use two fingers and for each to feed me from the bowl. Kenda uses a silver needle to pierce my right ear. Heather dabs an earring with alcohol before putting it in through my ear. Kenda has my other ear and she’s ready to pierce it as well. Heather says as she places in the other earring. “You are stronger than a warrior for you nurture life instead of killing it.”

Kenda says, “Avoid thoughts or things that define limitations. Embrace who you know yourself to be.” Kenda speaks once more in her language and Grams says “Amen.” Tala hugs me whispering “Tanksi, you are our younger sister, Tanksi, from now on. We are family that will help to raise you to maturity.”

Dakota takes me by the hand, “Come we both need to freshen up.” I follow her into her old room now belonging to Heather. She changes in front of me and I am taken with how beautiful she is to me. She says, “You should learn to be content with your breasts. That does not start when they are as you desire, but you become content with them.”

I sit between Grams and Heather who is next to her mother. Heather says, “Mom says you need to accept the love the Christ child has for you. The Angels proclaimed the joy is for all people.”

I tell her, “But so many people say I am terrible and abomination.”

Grandma says, “The Bible says the joy is for you. You told me, you believe in Jesus Christ. The Apostle Paul says, ‘We are saved by faith and by the grace of God.’ Do not worry about those who speak contrary to God.”

The Candlelight service speaks to me eloquently, simply and to my heart. Kenda’s encouragement helps me to relax and receive from God.

Christmas morning came with the usual joy, then again it was Grams and me. I remember Christmases for a long time, came with joyous expectation shrouded with trepidation which usually showed the ugly side of expectations. This Christmas Grams and I made a big breakfast for two. We enjoy digging through our Christmas stockings and opened gifts. The clothing I receive is much to my liking. Seemingly my friend Deputy Tiffany shared with Grams what I like and the correct sizes for me.

I gave Grandma a locket with a picture of Sara and me on one side and Heather and I for the other side. I was happy when late in the afternoon we went to neighbors. Adrian Stephens has three children, Tanya and Bree, I’ve met several times. Blake their son is close to my age, we hadn’t met before but he is cool at our first meeting. We had homemade soup, cheese, and bread.

It’s an hour later when I want to go home that’s when Blake warms up to me. We’re in the same grade but he’s half a year older. We’re tapping a balloon around with his sisters. The girls and I are usually keeping the balloon away from Blake. Finally, I grab the balloon when it goes in Blake’s direction. Blake calls a foul and grabs me and takes me to the ground.

Mom Stephens raises her voice at him, “Blake, since when do you go tackling a young woman?’

He says in his defense, “Mom, she’s been selected, all-conference quarterback. Plus she grabbed the balloon so I didn’t get a chance to hit it. She’s the one who’s been unfair. …From on top of me, he offers a hand to help me up. “I’m sorry I tackled you; I’m surprised how soft and cuddly you are. I thought you’d be a football player in girl’s clothes.” Even now that I am standing his left arm and hand are wrapped around my waist.

I smirk as I remember a time in eighth grade when I bumped and fell onto a girl. I was embarrassed when I held onto her as such but she liked the attention and we ate lunch together that day. Blake didn’t realize I threw a hip into him as we connected. It is not so much that I like him, but I wanted him to like me. I think I’ve succeeded.

Grams later told me she and Mrs. Stephens noticed and thought I was becoming dangerous with my feminine wiles. Grams asks, “How did you develop responses like that so soon in being a girl?”

“Grams, I’ve been Elaine three years now, if not longer.” I am coming to realize even as Sara’s little brother, I was really her sister. I had learned many of the things she did.

My Mom called Christmas night to wish us a Merry Christmas and share that she was bringing a three-bean casserole for dinner. Sara got on the phone to say Merry Christmas and we were able to talk a couple of minutes. I ask to say hello to my Dad and Sara tries to give him the phone. I can hear dad in the background say, “Tomorrow will be soon enough. It doesn’t sound like he’s come to his senses yet! I hope the gifts aren’t wasted on him.”

I speak louder over the phone, “Daddy, your little boy is a growing young woman, please learn to accept that.” I think calling their land phone gave Dad the pleasure of slamming the phone down.

The next morning Grams and I are up early to have a relaxing breakfast before preparing the lion’s portion of the family Christmas dinner. Dinner would not be until 1:30 and my parents and Sara are coming around 11:00. I’m hoping and praying to get a good two hours with my sister.

Grams has purchased a good size beef roast and chicken. She’s the rare person who uses the rotisserie implement in the oven. Grams had thawed out two containers of her homegrown vegetables and I chopped up some potatoes. She soon had a slow cooker heating up what would be her recipe of vegetable soup. She had extra corn to serve as a side dish.

This morning as I dressed, I decided to dress up like me with no forms to help my looks. Between my breasts growing and my padded bra, my breasts are still nicely noticeable. I let Grams greet my family, so as to not to present myself to my Dad right off. Sara came to the kitchen announcing she was peeling the potatoes. We hug and I ask if I could help. She’s actually happy to have the help. Sara, “O’ Elaine, your buds have begun to blossom and it looks like your hips are even more girly.” We giggled as she knew her saying that made me happy.

Shortly after we have the potatoes peeled, cut and in the pot with water; Sara went out the back door and to their car. She brought back a package with a towel wrapped around it. She had a stuffed bear that I had had and in some wrapping paper, she had another gift. She insisted we go to my room to open it privately. I’m already hoping by the shape of the box and I wasn’t disappointed. There’s a doll, unlike most others. She had two front teeth, she not pudgy like a baby doll, nor awfully slender like a Barbie. She has a medium figure. Her hair is dark like I would want. She came with three extra outfits and patterns for making more clothes.

I’m changing into my third outfit when my Mom comes into seeing what we’re doing. She sends a mixed message saying, “You look very nice.” She turns and told Sara, “You shouldn’t be in here encouraging her to see herself as a girl.”

“But Mom look at her, what else can I call her looking like this?” Mom is saved from responding when my cousins Chase and his young sister Violet knock and come into the room. Violet is excited to see my new doll and the room. “Elaine, if I come and stay the night at Grams can I stay in this room?”

Aunt Julie soon comes into the room, “Merry Christmas Elaine and everybody. Is it required that we congregate here if we want to have time with Elaine?”

Mom points out that we will all be eating in the dining room as well as opening gifts later on.

I go out to help Grams with getting food dished up and onto the table. Grams has me slice the roast beef. I had practiced yesterday and a little today on a loaf of French bed. Dad notices me once we’re at the table and I’m complimented for my slicing job. Dad barks out, “Some of the worlds finer cooks are men. You did do a nice job, Bryce.” There is silence, but that’s all.

Grandma says the table grace and we have a good Christmas dinner. After dinner and the table is cleared off; we begin to give Christmas gifts. My first gift is from my family and it is a championship jersey celebrating our conference championship and our making it to the state football playoffs. I really like it until I turn it around and see Bryce’s name over the top of the jersey on the back. My thanks were simple, if not sincere.

The second time I receive a gift from my family I say before I open it: “If this is another gift for Bryce I don’t want it.”

Dad says, “Don’t act like a baby, you know better than to refuse a gift?”

“I don’t want a gift meant for someone else.”

Mom says, “Please open it if there is something you don’t like it can probably be changed.”

It weighs a bit heavy, I’m hoping it could be a nice jewelry box, though I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I begin to see the box the gift is in, ‘toolbox.’ I open it and it has tools I could use working on our lawn tractor and the family cars and a pickup truck. There is the security of an identity name plate fastened onto the side of the box with Bryce’s name. I quit unwrapping and go running to my room.

I didn’t expect that my father would come chasing after me. Sara and Grams yell for him to leave me alone. I dove onto my bed crying, but my father has me by the arm pulling me off the bed. I’m barely able to get my feet underneath me.

“Let me go, Dad! You have a court order that you can’t do this.”

He yells back, “You started it by embarrassing me in front of family. I think the law will understand.” With him this close, I am able not only able to smell beer on his breath. He’s snuck something else to drink.

My cry changes, “Daddy how could you be getting drunk during the family Christmas?”

He denies being drunk, “I’ve had a couple of beers that does not make me drunk. And I don’t want my sissy of a son, telling me what I am or am not doing. You screwed up your life why should I listen to you.”

“How dare you; leave me alone Daddy. Get out of my room or I’ll scream.”

Grandma and Uncle Matt come in, Uncle Matt saying, “Mike that’s enough, I’m asking you to leave her alone and go back to the living room.”

Dad says, “And are you going to stop me if I take Bryce home instead of going back to the living room.” Grams is on her phone and I already hit call for Officer Reed.

I’m answering her call, when I hear Uncle Matt say, “Yes if I need to.”

“Tiffany can you hurry and come here. My Dad is threatening to take me home. He has already grabbed me and dragged me off of my bed.”

Tiffany asks, “Elaine, are you alright and safe?”

“I don’t think I’m hurt, but I’m not safe either.”

Tiffany asks, “Who’s talking in the background? It sounds like two different men.”

I say, “My uncle Matt has now gotten in between me and my dad. We already had dinner and were opening presents.”

Tiffany says, “Good Elaine, I am on my way to my car; please continue to talk to me. I contacted our dispatcher, another deputy should be in route along with my coming. Did someone there already call this in?”

I look to Grams and she’s off the phone looking at me. I say, “Maybe Grams did.” Grams has come over to me and with an arm around me leads me out of the room. She takes me to her room.

Faintly we hear a siren, as Dad walks passed Grams room talking to my Uncle. He asks Uncle Matt, “Please go along with me so we can keep this a family matter and keep the police out of this.” Uncle Matt doesn’t answer, yes or no. The sound of a siren goes off as it arrives to our house. Grams hadn’t heard it until it got here.”

Grams asks, “Please stay in my room until I’m sure things are safe. I’ll ask Aunt Julie to come and be with you. Only allow her into the room.” Soon there’s a knock on the door as the doorbell rings. Aunt Julie asks me to unlock the door and let her in. Soon we’re asked out to meet with the officers and others. Mom is holding onto Dad as she stares at me. I think she doesn’t want me to say anything.

Dad says, “Officers it’s just a family matter and everything is under control. Why don’t you just acknowledge that and let us continue our Christmas time.”

Tiffany says, “I got a call from your daughter, Elaine says everything was not all right. Elaine would you please tell me what happens?”

“I was disappointed with two gifts I received and I ran to my room crying. My Dad followed me and grabbed my arm and drug me off my bed. We exchanged words and I was afraid he was going to hurt me. Uncle Matt came into the room, Grams was with him. Uncle Matt came between us. As they were talking, I contacted you, Officer Tiffany. Grams took me to her room where I stayed until you arrived.”

Tiffany asks, “Matt White, is it? Please tell me what happened.”

Matt says, “As she said, we were exchanging gifts and as she was opening one she became disappointed. She regained her composure and continued to open it until she got to a nameplate that was ribbited on. She looked at it, was disappointed and went running to her room crying. Mike her Dad followed her. It was only when I heard a scream that I went in to make sure things remained okay. Mike had hold of her arm and told me things were okay. He just needed to tell his son he was rude and needed to go out and apologize. After he let go of her and I stepped in between them. Things soon subsided. I had heard her accuse him of drinking too much. He denied it, saying he wasn’t going to be corrected by her.”

Officer Ron asked, “We’re their words heated or did you see him drag her off the bed?”

“No, I didn’t see him drag her off the bed, but he did have a firm grip on her arm.” He continued, “Heated words between those two is nothing new. She really had not said much about the gift, she just left and went to her room. I heard him shout that she embarrassed him. That was when she sounded afraid and I went in to make sure everyone was okay.”

Officer Reed said, “Mr. Royce, I understand you were invited here for a family Christmas gathering. But I believe your grabbing your daughter and saying derogatory things to her, oversteps the intention of the invite and goes contrary to your actions against your daughter.”

Dad is getting angrier, “I have only one daughter and I did not grab or hurt her. I was just acting to correct the rudeness of my son. It is bad anytime; rudeness has no place at Christmas time.”

Officer Ron, “It sounds like you are the one who was rude. I would like you to voluntarily come down to the Sheriff’s office. I prefer that over arresting you and charging you.”

Dad says for everyone to hear, “Grandmother, I feel sorry for any trouble I caused. But I feel hurt that I was invited here for Christmas and was set up for this involvement of the police. I am going to the Sheriff’s office, but then I will be going home and not coming back here.”

Dad grabbed his glass of water and gulped it down. “Okay, Officer I am ready to go with you. Is it all right if my wife and I follow you in our car?” They collected their gifts and casserole bowl and left.

It wasn’t until they were gone that people wondered about how Sara is to get home. Sara finally asked, “Do you think I could stay here tonight and someone take me home in the morning?”

Around 8 o’clock, Grams called my Mother’s phone. Uncle Matt had already agreed to give Sara a ride home in the morning. Mom agreed that would be a good idea. She made it sound like the time at the sheriff’s office was Dad allowing us to cool down. And that the police agreed he was in the right and did not charge him. Seemingly at that point, Dad takes over the phone telling Matt, “You better bring her home bright and early, or I’m coming to pick them both up. Do you hear me?”

Uncle Matt held the phone away from his ear until Dad stopped his ranting. Then Uncle Matt said, “I’ll have Sara home by nine unless it would be alright to let her stay a few days.”

Dad yells back, “And why would I do that?”

Matt said, “It would give you a few days without your girls. You and Audrene could enjoy yourselves with some peace and quiet.”

There’s a pause before Dad says, “I guess Audrene could use some time away from those bratty kids.”

After the conversation was over and Uncle Matt says, “He’s given permission for Sara to stay until Friday.” Sara and I both rush over to give uncle a hug. I get three days with my sister…

To be continued…

Sara says that Thursday morning Dad received from the court a request to stand before Judge Hewitt and answer why he should not be found in contempt of the Judge’s order to keep away from his daughter Elaine Royce. Sara felt like Dad was ready to explode, but joked instead, “My Lawyer says they’re afraid they can’t prove anything or else I’d already been in jail. They don’t have the courage to tell Elaine what she needs is a good spanking and to have those clothes taken off her. And I’m too smart for them to prove anything against me.”

New Year’s Day was on Sunday, and Monday was still a school holiday. It isn’t until I’m at the school Tuesday morning that I hear Karen was in an accident Monday late afternoon. Many rumors swirl around the school until I am going crazy not knowing anything for sure. It is 11:30 a.m. when I finally go to the nurse’s office feeling sick to my stomach. Nurse Marie suggests I call the hospital and see if I can talk to her family.

I had called Karen’s home before, using her mom’s cell number; so I tried calling her mom’s number. It was the oldest sister Carla who answered. Carla says, “We’ve been trying to get a hold of you, but no one has your number.”

I’m already crying as she doesn’t say how Karen is. “Is she all right? How badly did she get hurt?”

Mrs. Hart has taken the phone, “Elaine, Karen is out of immediate danger but she did get badly hurt. Can you get to the Somerset Hospital, she has asked for you?”

I’m not sure if Mrs. Adams can drive me there as she has a job. I am reasonably sure the bus going west would get me there. I dared to tell Mrs. Hart, “Yes, I’ll be there as soon as I can. Tell me how badly she’s injured?”

Mrs. Hart says, “Don’t worry about that until you get her. Just know she’s safe and wants to see you.” I am soon off the phone and hitting numbers to call Ma Adams. “Mrs. Adams,” I say through my tears, “”Karen Hart has been in an accident and I need to get to the Somerset hospital, can you help me get there?”

Ma Adams voice is caring as she tells me she had heard and was hoping I would call if needed. She says, “I have permission to reschedule my work and treat you as my own daughter.” Ten minutes later I am called to the school office. Mrs. Adams has signed me out and I’m given permission to go with her. The hospital isn’t even twenty miles away but it takes most of an hour to get there.

I’m extra worried as we’re directed to the Intensive Care waiting area. Mr. Hart and others are down to the cafeteria, but Mrs. Hart has stayed there in hopes I would arrive. We exchange tearful hugs. Mrs. Hart is forcing herself to smile as she greets me. “Elaine, we’re sorry for not calling you but Karen’s phone was lost in the accident. All we had was your parents’ number.”

Mrs. Hart told me, ‘Karen had been in an accident with friends the previous night. She was coming home from an outing as a passenger. Someone’s tire blew or an animal came onto the road, people aren’t exactly sure. It started a chain reaction ending up with multiple cars in the accident. The vehicle Karen was riding in was hit by a car coming at them. It was hit from behind and then on Karen’s side after it had spun.

‘Karen has broken bones, bruises, cuts, and internal bleeding as well as a concussion. The big thing in her favor is she’s young and in good health. The extent of the injuries will not be known until the swelling goes down. She’s sedated but conscious.’

“Mrs. Hart, can I see her?”

She said, “Yes, but I’m not sure if you’ll want to. With all the tubes and wires she’s hooked up to, along with the injuries, it is not very nice to see.”

I say, “I thought you said she was asking for me?”

“She is, but I don’t want you regretting later that you saw her like this. It’s hard enough for me but I’m a Mom and an adult.”

I hear them announce visiting time for the Intensive Care Unit. I ask, “Would it be alright if I go back with you now?”

Mrs. Hart says, “Come along Sweetie, I’d be very happy to have you with me.” We have to wash hands and even put on gloves and a mask over our nose and mouth.

I’m on one side of the bed and Karen’s mom is on the other side. Her mom cups Karen’s hand in hers and Karen responds.

Karen begins to open her eyes, looking next to her mom, she's saddened. “I was hoping someone else would be here.”

“Look to the other side of the bed, see who else is holding your hand.” She turns and with my mask and gown, she wonders. Like me, she is not sure who she is looking at. I am slow to speak as Karen to looks like someone else. But I heard her in her voice, and I am seeing features that tell me it is her.

I smile though she probably can’t tell. “It is me, Karen, I didn’t know you were in an accident until I got to school.” I lean down and move my mask down to give her a kiss on the tip of her nose. Karen squeezes my hand and I squeeze back. “I feel so bad that you’re hurt. Your mom says you will get all well.”

Karen says, “Thank you, but my Mom doesn’t know that yet. We have to…” she squints as though the pain has a hold of her. “We have to wait and see.” She is tiring as a nurse comes in, “She needs rest, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Karen asks, “Can she sit next to me and hold my hand if she says nothing?”

Nurse Jan says, “Is this your special friend?” Without waiting for a reply, the nurse turns to me. “If you sit, don’t move and can remain quiet, you can stay for now. If the doctors or anyone needs you to be gone, just quietly go to the waiting area.” Karen drifts to sleep and Nurse Jan comes back in.

“I need to take care of some personal things with Karen as well as clean her. Please show me you’re a mature young person.” She begins by emptying a bloody urine bag. She checks different sites that are bandaged, taking off and replacing some. Some wounds are gruesome and hard to look at. I grimace but don’t say anything until Jan asks. “Are you shocked to see your friend like this?”

“The wires, tubes, and injuries I can see; make it hard to know it’s really Karen. I know I can’t be sick here, but it’s hard not to be.”

The nurse asks, “So why are you still here then? You could go out, I’ll tell her if needed I sent you out.”

I say, “I think it would be harder on me to leave and not be here with her.” I stroke part of Karen’s hair and I kiss her fingers. The time seems long and short at the same time. Several doctors and internists came and looked at her. Talking like she nor I were there. It is her left side around her hip that they’re worried about bruising or bleeding inside. A woman doctor comes and looks her over better than the others.

I now know it’s her catheter that is draining bile and blood in with her urine. The nurse tells me, “It is clearing up which is a good sign. Her vital signs have been good with you at her side. She’s comfortable with you with her.”

‘I’m feeling so frustrated, Karen is hurt and could be hurt a long time. And I can’t change that. She has been there for me as my friend.”

Nurse Mikayla says, “And you are sad because you can’t help her?” There’s a pause until I shake my head in agreement. “She is going to need her friends to help her. You can help her but you might want to think twice before volunteering. If you help her, she might not want you as a close friend later?”

I look at her mother who is back in the room. Her Mom says, “I know her younger sister doesn’t want to do it, though I will make her help when needed. It can include cleaning her up if her catheter comes out or she gets sick or messes herself when she eats. That includes helping to change her clothes, maybe bandages.”

I pause and think why she might not want me to help. “Oh, you wouldn’t want me to be doing that because I’m a boy to you.”

She says, “Karen’s already accepted and grieved you’re her girlfriend. No, she and I would be comfortable with you helping. As Nurse Mikayla said, ‘After this is over and she’s well, Karen might see you as a person who remembers her in unfavorable ways.’”

“I’d try to be a normal friend, but if needed I wouldn’t have trouble cleaning her and doing what would be needed.” I thought Karen was unconscious, but my hand is squeezed by her. I look at her and Karen grins.

Her voice is weak, “Would you really be willing to help me. I think we will always be best friends.”

Her mother smiles, “You two are special, but I am also going to see if we can get some others to help instead. It will be closer to when Karen’s ready to go home.” Mrs. Hart approached me. “Several moms have agreed to take a turn helping Karen during the day when school is in session. But I still need someone to be here afterward until I can get home. Are you still willing to help her?”

She should be home about ten days before they try to figure out how she can attend classes at school. It is in fact quite humbling for Karen and me as I would help clean her up if she went to the toilet, bedpan, or makes a mess when eating or drinking, even grosser if she gets sick and needs to be changed. The nurses request I help them the last day Karen is at the hospital. She has a cast on her left leg, brace on her right ankle and another for that knee. The left arm to has a cast while her right arm is in a sling with a special wrap around her right wrist and fingers. Seemingly she tried to brace herself during the accident with her limbs. Fortunately, her sprained neck and the rest of her body would recuperate from bruises and abrasions, with no lasting injuries. Her internal bleeding stopped and they won’t do the test until later when she’s well.

She came home from the hospital on a Wednesday. It would be the next day before I would begin to watch her.

Ma Adams has laid down requirements for me: I had to keep up my grades, do my school work and make sure I do not act inappropriately. When I joked I did not know what she meant; she told me in no uncertain terms, “Even if you would joke about doing something I don’t like; you will be grounded here and not be able to help her. Do you understand?”

Bulky shorts went over Karen’s right leg, snaps between her legs and on her left side helped her to be able to use a chair where she could relieve herself. But she could not clean herself, I had to help her. Snaps around her left hip made it easier to change if needed.

Karen and I review my day at school and do class homework for the four classes we have in common. The following Thursday made it a whole week that I helped her. Her Mom would be home soon though her Aunt Beth came to watch her that evening. It’s the evening of the Fall Sports Banquet for the Patriot Conference.

I was very apprehensive about going, being afraid my father would be there and make things difficult for me. Entering the banquet hall, I stepped in and looked all around before I went any further in. Coach Higgins welcomed me, “So you didn’t believe me that your father would not be here.”

I said, “It wasn’t so much I did not believe you, but yes I worried my father would be here.”

I had decided to attend as Elaine. My dress is simple and not as decorative as many girls who are present and have taken part in various women’s sports. Nor did I use much makeup, just enough to help show a fair complexion. I considered getting the black pigment football player sometimes use under their eyes with blue eyeshadow above my eyes.

I could have gone with the Harts as Maynard will be receiving several awards, hopefully including the most valuable player in the conference. He’s, in fact, the only conference member to have been voted to the All-State first team in our division.

I instead I have chosen to go and sit with Rhonda Adams and the other girls attending from our school. Rhonda had finished first in Cross-Country for our conference and the district, and then third in the State Cross-Country meet where our team was second. Even my sister Sara had come along with Grandma Newton. The girls’ sports are honored and recognized first, then other sports and football are to be last.

It was the first time in years Coach Dan Higgins is given any special recognition in our conference. Coach Dan receives high praise for becoming innovative this year and getting his team into the state playoffs. Finally, they’re acknowledging the All-Conference team which includes which quarterback is to be named as All Patriot Conference Quarterback. Craig Stanton and I were presumably tied for first before a tie-breaker or decision was made.

We were both called up and standing side by side, I automatically congratulated Craig for a very good season. It looked funny to have him who looks like a quarterback and I being dressed as Elaine to be standing together. I guess as they are ready to announce the name my hands went up to my face with a girl’s handkerchief ready to cry either way.

It is then that noise came from the back of the banquet hall and soon I recognized my daddy’s voice. Soon I knew it was his drunken voice saying, “Give it to the real guy up there, not that pretentious *** calling himself a girl.”

I called out, “Dad don’t, you’re not to be here! Don’t get yourself arrested, just go!”

Dad had spotted Sara sitting with the other girls; staggering toward her he said, “You’ve even set your sister against us, have you no shame!” I stepped down from the stage to plead with my father.

“Dad this is who I am. I did not set Sara against you, she just wanted to be here for Rhonda and classmates.” That was true, though I knew she was also here for me. Finally, we were as close as I dared get and my Dad lunged for me. He staggered and fell before a security person took hold of him. I called out, “He’s not bad; he’s an alcoholic he needs help, not jail.”

Dad yells a bunch of profanities as they talked him into going with them.

I sat down and put my head on a table, but I am called back to the platform. The speaker finally said, “We had a tough choice in calling this one as one had a very good year statistically but the other has been voted the Most Valuable Player in the conference. We have decided they will remain the top quarterbacks for this past season. Craig you had a great season, please come forward and accept this honor. Craig is invited forward and spoke to the crowd. He’s not only an athlete’s athlete, but he’s also well-spoken.

As I wait my emotions are getting to me and tears filled my eyes. Finally, Mr. Chandler Richards, the Conference Director is asked to present the final award. He says, “During the season we called you Bryce Royce the undersized quarterback who somehow stayed on his feet and found ways to win ball games. You captured the imagination of so many hearts. Bryce/Elaine Royce, we are honored to call you co-top quarterback and Most Valuable Player of the Year for the Patriot Conference. Please come and accept these awards and tell us a few words.” There was applause that started and ended with many standing. But there was also a growing number who voice their disdain for me receiving the awards.

Harvey Ives stepped forward booing, as others quieted and sat down. He remained standing as I approached the microphone. Finally, before I spoke he said, “You’re not even first in your family. You were a freak who others protected on the field and now a freak here.” He quieted as he was being booed, but he remained standing.

I said, “Just over two weeks ago my best friend Karen was in an accident. Her grit to recover has shown me what is truly important. Since I was a kid my Dad forced me to play and learn the game of football. In an emergency, I was put into a losing game and we nearly pulled out a tie or victory. I was the quarterback against our top defense in practice. I was in because I knew the plays and the game of football, backward and forwards. I credit my Dad for that. My many bruises finally cleared up weeks after the season. I did not seek to be our quarterback, I did not seek these awards. I believe Craig to be a great quarterback.

“However I will accept this award because as a quarterback I worked hard to unite our football team. I threw underneath the coverage because my arm is not the strongest. I worked hard to find ways to win. I not only had one of the top receivers in the state, but I also had teammates that played beyond our potential. I was an unlikely quarterback. I am glad Coach Higgins allowed me to come tonight as Elaine and to show my makeup colors for a girl helped our team to win. My thanks for the awards, by praise to the Cheerleaders especially Karen for encouraging me.”

A news reporter stood and asked if I would play again the next year. “I am thankful for the season I had, but no I will not play another season. I am not willing to put on another twenty-five pounds and build up the muscle that I think I would need. Possibly I will be back here as a cross-country runner.”

Several women in congratulating me asked if I was on hormones. Stating, “We notice changes since the end of the season. You are noticeably becoming one of us.” I too had noticed changes in my strength, even in my hand grip as I was meeting others. Rhonda spoke saying, “Look and see the emotions you had before the announcement, you’re girlified.”

Sara is one of the last to give me a hug and congratulations. She says, “You know if Dad’s charged with an offense or made to seek treatment; your name will be mud even more with the family.”

I said, “That is not because I’m a girl. But if Dad has to acknowledge he’s an alcoholic; his family might be forced to admit it runs in the family. Dad’s sobering up is my only chance of him accepting me. Otherwise, I’m already lost to him. The rest of his family means much less if I or we lose Dad.”

Sara asks, “Are you still hoping to please him?”

Going to school Friday shows I’m not accepted by everyone. Grandma allows me to attend the basketball games being played tonight and to go out with my friends. I returned home with Grandma and came back early Monday morning. I was enjoying school more because studying with Karen prepares me better as a student.

Monday, while I was in school, Dad appeared before the judge. He was given the choice to attend a program for alcoholism and possibly have a deferred sentence. Or to stand trial and risk a longer jail time, for defying a court order and something that was not revealed. Surprisingly to his family he chose to undergo treatment for alcoholism to be followed by counseling.

It would be ten days into his treatment before I was asked to go and confront him with other family members. My Mom was already softening her position with me. Unfortunately, her acknowledging me now to be Elaine, didn’t change her blaming me for my Dad’s problems. Sara and Grandma told me something about Mom being codependent. Grandma says, “It is something your Mom’s not yet admitting to.” Grandma says, “It is where someone tries to rescue other people from their problems when it isn’t in her power to do so.”

Monday afternoon, I resume helping to watch Karen after school. Later in the week, I will accompany Karen to school. Her cast on her left leg was being changed to a limited walking cast. I’m with her Thursday and we are talking about her going to school the next day. We had just had a snack and a drink. It is the first time Karen got sick with me. She lost all of her snack, drink and more. Then began to cry and might get sick again.

It’s my worst nightmare. I have helped clean her bottom before after using the adult potty chair. I had quickly prayed, it had not gotten through her clothing. The prayer was not answered to my liking. I do not know how but more than moisture had gotten into her panties and skin. Yuck and gross yuck!

I got water for her to gargle with and then about 3 ounces of seven-up to lose the taste in her mouth. Undressing her of her clothing at first was totally disgusting. It is work to get her clothing off without messing her or where she is sitting even more. Even when I’m now to her panties and bra the mess is still there. Warm water and a washcloth work wonders but it is not easy for me. There are creases between her body and her legs, somehow some things are even under her right breast and every crease I check.

Once I get her fully clean, then it becomes a thing of beauty. Like wiping her breasts and drying them. She looks very beautiful to me, especially as another girl and the one I love. I find myself envious. Once I get a lacy bra on her and then a blouse she’s ready to lift herself using a bar so I can get a thong panty around her cast and up her other leg. Now she’s embarrassed as she usually does not wear or like wearing thongs. It is, however, easier to get over her cast. She does have panties that snap on the side which would have been easier. Unfortunately, those were all in with her dirty clothes.

Just as I was getting the thong on properly I made a crude kissing gesture and then heard her mother behind me at the same time. “What are you doing young woman; get away from her.” I had a wrap-around skirt on my arm to put around her, which I did. Her mother raised her voice, “How dare you be doing something like that. Get out of here!”

I backed out of the room repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” With tears running down my face I ran out of their house and made my way home. I had forgotten my coat and boots until I was outside, but I wasn’t going back. It was cold and dark outside. Only the snow on the ground and occasional street light or car lights helped me to see where I was going. To add to my troubles I had walked two blocks toward my house before I remembered I have to go to the Adams house. Because of that, I had to walk ten blocks slipping in the snow and on ice.

Mom Adams is at the door to greet me, “O Honey, come in and out of the cold you poor girl.” I tried to tell her what happened but I started to cry again. Mrs. Adams said, “No need to tell me, Mrs. Hart told me what happened. She says, she is sorry she yelled at you. She or Maynard will bring over your boots and coat in a little while. Karen explained to her what happened and how you cleaned up the ugly mess Karen made of herself.”

“But Mom what she saw was me being crude and rude. I was kind of joking but it was really stupid of me. She has every right to be angry with me.”

Ma Adams said, “I heard Karen got nervous and sick about going to school tomorrow. It sounds like she made a big mess that her Mom would only be cleaning up now if you hadn’t cleaned her. Her younger sister surely wouldn’t have and Karen was not willing to have Maynard’s help.”

I ask, "Ms. Adams when you were a teenager. The first time you saw another girl completely nude, what did you think?”

Ma Adams stared out like she was seeing someone. “I was embarrassed because Julie saw me staring. And I thought she was more beautiful than any statue or picture that I ever saw.”

“Yea, and even her… she was so beautiful. It isn’t but it was. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t Bryce it was me liked to see her. But I got excited as Elaine, I know her Mom knew that.”

That is when Ms. Adams has me sit and she helped to take off my knee high nylons. Then I felt the pain of my toes thawing out. Jennifer and Rhonda both came to see what the noise is about. Jennifer's asking, “Where’s your coat and boots? You look a mess, what happened?”

Rhonda’s hugging me from behind. Mrs. Hart rang the doorbell and is soon in the house apologizing to me. “I’m sorry Elaine.” I tried to speak and we’re soon crying in each other’s arms. “The way I saw it was repulsive. Hearing what happened, I understand a lot better the need to be light-hearted. …You should have come back to the house for your coat, boots and called for a ride. I know you were scared to see me at that moment, but I would have understood. Maynard could have driven you home.”

Karen’s back at school and getting grief from some girls who didn’t like her. She went to the girls’ room without me. There wasn’t a handicapped toilet in there, so she got in the stall without her wheelchair. Two girls took the wheelchair away, leaving Karen stranded. When I heard what happened, come lunch time I crossed the cafeteria and slapped Marsha and pulled her hair as I yelled at her.

Needless to say, I got in trouble. Marsha and I both were sent to the Principal’s office. The Principal said I am lucky, I’m not being suspended. I would fail my classes for today and have five service days in school.

I hear Marsha got away with a warning as she’s in her senior year and carrying a 4.0-grade point. But I couldn’t get anyone to verify it. Ma Adams called the school office and Mrs. Hart also complained, but each was told our actions were addressed individually. "Because each person is a student the discipline is confidential."

Word came the following week, I was being asked to attend a session at my Dad’s alcoholism rehab in another week. We are to go and share before my father, anything and everything we wanted to say and about problems we have had with him. I was getting angry and sick just thinking about the request…

Monday is extremely hard on Karen and me as Marsha is hassling Karen anytime teachers and school staff are not looking. I’m already on probation and Karen is ready to ask to go home, all because of the teasing. I went to the office near the end of lunch and settled down after my counselor talked to me. But then came the next to last period of school and Karen needed to use the toilet. I helped her into the restroom and helped her into the stall; again it is not handicapped accessible. Karen is in and it took her a long time to be able to go.

Marsha enters and began teasing and tried to get the wheelchair away from me. I try to hold on, but Marsha began to hit me and pull the chair away. Marsha finally has a hold of me and hits me. She says, “I dare you to hit me back. You know who they will blame.”

I ask, “Why would they believe you over me?”

She says, “Because you’re a boy trying to be a slutty girl. Don’t you remember what the Principal say, ‘I’m a 4.0 student and I don’t get into trouble?’ Anyway, your Dad’s an abusive drunk. You’re a stupid son just like your dad except you cry like a girl.”

I say, “You might want to take that back before you get in big trouble.”

“Oh, oh are you threatening me?”

“No, but you should look behind you before you say anything more.”

Marsha says, “I’m not falling for your tricks” She throws her books at me and screams, “Help Elaine is trying to hurt me. Help! Help!”

Ms. Brook, my counselor, speaks up, “Marsha stop what you’re doing and behave. You come out of the girl’s room with me and we will wait for Elaine to help Karen. And then the three of us can go visit the Principal.”

They left the girls’ room as Karen opens the door. “I didn’t know how to record with my phone, so I just made a video of the door. I am sure it recorded the conversation.”

Marsha complained, “Principal, I was set up. I was attacked by Bryce and his Counselor is taking its side. They don’t have any real proof, just accusations.”

Holing up Karen’s phone, I say, “That’s not quite true….

The Story is to be continued…

I’m scheduled of meet with Dr. Anne Akers tomorrow and with everything going on it is a welcomed appointment. I will go with Grandma Newton, so Mom Adams won’t have to take off from work to take me. Grandma and I talked about my helping Karen. Instead of reflecting on the responsibility, we’re talking about my enjoying my time with Karen. Our friendship has grown by leaps and bounds the past weeks being with Karen in ways I would not have dreamed.

I am a good student but Karen is an excellent student. Even with missing class, she is ahead of me in three of the classes we have in common. She has been correcting me on how I use the wrong words, because they sound like the words I should be using. My ego’s upset about that until she proofreads a report I was to hand in. Many of my reports come back with corrections or just marks that I said something was wrong. This report was the first I got back from Mr. Granger with an A. Only once before had I received anything as high as a B.

Sliding in and out of cars as a girl is now pretty natural for me. “Grandma something has changed the past two weeks. Well maybe longer, but I’m noticing I’m different. There are physical things like how my outfits fit me. My panties are being stretched in a nice way. I think my breast fill my bras better if you know what I mean.”

Grandma asks, “Interesting, are there other things inside of you that have changed?”

I say, “I don’t know if this counts, but my tastes are changing. I now like to eat more foods, even some things I didn’t like before. The other day I passed the boys’ toilet and the smell was repulsive. I don’t mind a guy being a little sweaty, but there are times they become disgusting because they… well more of their smells and behaviors are becoming gross to me.”

Grandma asks again, “Elaine are you beginning to see the high school boys in a different way?”

“Grammy!” I pause as I consider not telling that I do. I am finding some guys more likeable now, but I’m not wanting to acknowledge it. Because she’ll make something more out of it. “Grams, I’m more open to being with them, but I like girls as I always did.”

Grams gives me a look and says, “I ask, because the other day when Tommy Schmidt delivered my groceries. It looked like you were flirting with him.”

“No way Grandma, I was just teasing him a little. Guys like that.”

Grams smiles, “We call it flirting. It's alright, girls sometimes do that even with boys, they’re not wanting to date. Tommy is the kind of boy that I would approve for you to date.”

“Grams, I don’t date boys, at least not yet and I don’t need you approving or not who I’d date anyhow.”

Grandma asks, “Does Mrs. Adams see it the same way for you and her girls?”

“Well no, but she’s a parent, not a grandma. Plus she has to treat me like she does all her family. Plus I still see Karen as my girlfriend.”

“Did your Cousin Heather talk to you about double dating the next weekend you’re here? She says Tyler who you met at the ice arena, or Sam were her two choices to invite to be your date.”

Tyler, a senior at Stronghold plays ice hockey, I have already been with him once. Grams thinks Sam from the junior college would be a better date. “Either would be fine Grams, I’ll call Heather. If she’s free to go shopping or something, after my appointment would that be okay?”

Grams says, “You will need to get back to the Adams so you only miss one school day. Is there something in particular you need or want?”

“I’m wanting a long bulky sweater or a nice winter coat. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long borrowing them. Plus I need another bra and some more panties.”

Grams, “I guess you are maturing Elaine. I suspect if you’re asking, it means you actually need more than that. We should be up early enough to go shopping before your appointment at 1:00 tomorrow.”

I tell Grams, “I do not need an overstocked closet like most girls.”

“That is good,” says Grams. “Your parents’ money won’t stretch that far. You are however realizing you need and want more than you have.” We are near Stronghold, when Grandma turns into the Macy’s parking lot. “We might as well stop and look some tonight. Oh by the way your driver’s permit came yesterday in your proper name. I know you passed driver’s ed. So tomorrow maybe you could drive some. We will practice more before you test for your license.”

Grams has a small SUV that I think is smart looking and performs real well. I’ve always thought she is one of the neatest grandparents I’ve ever met. Thankfully, she mine.

It is exciting to search for a new winter coat. I’ve longed to have a pretty girl's coat of my very own. It's silly that I feel guilty about liking something colorful and feminine looking. Part of me wants to hurry and choose and get going. I take a few breaths and with Grams encouragement we look all through their selection. We walk around the mall and look at several women’s shops. It is at 21 that I find a beautiful knit sweater with ¾ sleeves. Being a glimmering silver gray it could go with much of my clothing. The collar and how it hangs is off balance. I’ve seen the style with a lot of the girls that I think dress sharply. As yet ,I don’t have anything like it.

Grams encourages me, ‘Why don’t you try on a small and medium and see which is best for you? Then we should be going.” I love the sweater and I choose to go with the medium as I’ll be wearing over other tops. Grams has them cut off the tags so I can wear it home.

It is not until we’re in the car that I find out that we’re meeting Aunt Kenda, Uncle Paul and Heather Newton for Chinese. Heather quickly recognizes I’m wearing a new sweater. “Wow. Elaine your fashion sense it growing. I love the sweater.”

She asks, “Did Grams tell you I hope we can double date the next time you’re in town? Sam Matthews is two years older than us and he was asking if something could be arranged. I’m pretty sure Grams approves of him, though I’m not sure if he is as safe as he looks. But let’s not tell Grams. I can tell he gets excited when we talk about you.”

She says, “I’d be very happy to date him and have his arms around me if Pete and I weren’t together.”

Grams asks, “I heard you talking and Sam’s name came up. Heather, you agree with me he’s a fine young man whom Elaine will be safe with.”

Heather gives me a look, “Yes Grams I think he’ll be very safe with Elaine.” Everyone at the table giggles.

Uncle Paul asks, “Elaine would you mind if I accompany you and your grandma to the therapy meeting for you father?” Hearing just the idea makes me shake. Having Grams and Uncle Paul would be helpful, but I’d rather have an excuse to not go at all.

The food tonight is good, but I have lost my appetite, so I nibble enough to be acceptable. Luckily the remainder is boxed up as I will be hungry later.

Before Grams and I head to her house; Heather tells me I should be back a week from Saturday to go out.

I’m up early in the morning, casually dressed with no makeup and my hair slightly brushed. “Hi Grams,” she's in her nook area drinking a cup of tea. There is an English muffin ready to push down in the toaster. I choose from three teas to use. I choose a spice peach bag and pour out a large cup of hot water for the bag to steep in. It is in the cup all the while as the muffin toasts. I like my tea nice and strong. Grams being English, I use cream and sugar.

Grams and I listen to the TV news in the background. She says, “I know you showered last night, but I suggest you lightly shower again to be fresh and fully awake. Were there some winter coats you liked that we should look at or should we try another store?”

I ask, “Do you remember that red coat with the fleece inside with the beautiful hood with the Eskimo type trim?” She remembered that it was the third one I tried on, except that I had selected the olive green yesterday.

We were back to the store and found they were down to the last in my size. The great news it is now on sale for 40% off the price. I also picked out a pair of mittens which I can poke my fingers through for driving. I am loving the soft fluffy feeling of things. We are on our way out when Grams spots knee high boots on a very good sale.

She says, “I thought of you and your sister when I first saw these in the fall. But I thought they were two expensive, as well as inappropriate for a football player. Your legs will have a better shape to them now.”

I say, “They say they’re on sale for $79.95. That doesn’t seem like a great sale price to me.”

Grandma says, “I will get another 10-15% off most of the items at the cash register. These shoes were $179 if I remember correctly. If you treat them properly they will last you a long time.” I have pictured myself in such a pair, and I love how knee high boots look on Sara. But there was no way Bryce would have gotten boots that expensive bought for him.

We spent a lot of money to my way of thinking, though Grams says we saved more than we spent.

I told her, “I don’t understand how women think.”

Grams says, “I've noticed, you’re learning ti take much better you care of your clothes.”

I say, “Grams, I’m just being me. I like being a girl, but I don’t think it is much different.”

The woman at the cash register recognizes Grandma and says, “Mrs. Newton, is this the same granddaughter who has come to live with you?” Confirmed by Grandma she addresses me, “Well young woman, I commend you on the change. You seem to be more natural in your skin now. I can also see your body is catching up with how you see yourself.” Since there is no one waiting to check out behind us, we talk longer. That in itself is a change for me. I am now better at carrying on a conversation.

We stop at a restaurant and order soup and half a sandwich for each of us. Grams encourages me to order milk as she orders coffee. With lunch done we are off to see my counselor Dr. Akers. I am wearing my new coat and boots. I'm real happy Dr. Anne notices how nice they are.

There’s a time when she has me talking to myself, Elaine to Elaine about the changes in being a young woman. It is the first time I acknowledge I’m finding guys to be more interesting. I don’t like guys with poor hygiene including bad breath. One of the hardest things is to be patient. I jump to reasons for not liking Sam Matthews or Tyler from the skating rink or guys like Max Sievers.

The other me says, “You’re afraid because you’re use to being Bryce Royce. You’re a transgendered woman it’s not the same as being gay.” I turn to Dr. Akers asking, “Being a woman if I like another woman like Karen or Staci, does that make me a lesbian?” Dr. Akers remains silent and I end up answering my own question. “Get out of your own way with labels and be yourself.” That dialog ends and later Anne asks, “Who is Staci?”

“She’s a year younger than I am and since acknowledging I’m Elaine we haven’t talked. We’ve been friends a long time. Even if she accepted me as Elaine; I’m sure she would be upset with the attention I’ve given Karen.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Do you often assume things about people you care about? Do you ever break-off friendships with them?”

I quickly say, “No, yes but I’m sure, so nothing was lost.”

Dr. Anne says, “As a teenage girl you might like this saying. When you ‘Assume’ something, think the word aloud and think. ASSUME, can make an ‘ASS of U & ME. Ass-u-me. It discounts your friends from being able to speak for themselves and it often can cause you to lose a friendship you might otherwise have.”

I ask, “You’re not saying Staci would accept me or even love me like I love her?”

Dr. Akers says, “You’re right, I’m not saying what Staci would say. I do suspect she wonders why you didn’t even return her calls or messages.”

“How did you know she called and sent me messages?”

Dr. Akers says, “I didn’t but I played a guess; if she’s a friend of yours, I thought it was a strong possibility. I’m not sure but you may be tainting relationships with the hurt and rejection you have experienced elsewhere.”

I say, “You’re now talking about with my Mom and Dad.”

She says, “Do you think? Why did you mention your Mom as well as your Dad?”

“Yes, I think that is true.” My eyes begin to water, “Yes, I’ve been hurt by my Mom; she should have been there for me. She had many, many opportunities. She gave birth to me, she should have loved me and protected me. She made me ashamed of myself.

“Once after my Dad hit me bad enough to send me to the hospital. She had me dress like I was a sissy and had me take a broken pair of heels to the hospital. It was to be proof I hurt myself playing as a sissy. That was after I started seeing you. I did not come for an appointment for six weeks after that.”

Dr. Anne asks, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d believe me. After I lied to you, I assumed you wouldn’t trust me to tell the truth!” I break down crying, it is the biggest cry I have ever had. Dr. Anne holds my hand until I lunge and hug her and cry on her shoulder. She says, “It is okay Elaine those tears need to come out.”

I quit crying a little before my time is done. I talked and talked until it’s past time to end. I don’t remember anything I said, but she took notes.

Grandma drove me to the Adams and after we visited for a long time it was decided Grams would stay the night and return home in the morning.

It is painful and I’m worried when I tell Rhonda and others about Staci.

Rhonda says, “I’ve talked to Staci, before we came to see you in the hospital the first time. Your sister, Karen, Jennifer and I all knew you liked Staci. We were surprised you never talked about her. Staci thought you were angry at her, because you broke off the friendship without talking to her. She thought you we fed-up with her because she said get hurt either playing football or from your dad for not playing.”

“How would that be her fault,” I ask?

“You confided in me and Karen; you even wore Karen’s sweater. What was she supposed think when she tried calling and you’d hang up?”

I say, “She knew I had boob like flesh because I was androgynous. But I never told her I saw myself as a girl.”

Rhonda says, “Staci says you had hinted at that a number of times. Then whenever she tried to acknowledge it, you told her she didn’t understand or heard you wrong. Is that true? She says she knew before the football season you didn’t want to ruin your chances for being a girl. She assumed that was about you building up muscles or growing facial hair like boys.”

I ask, “Why didn’t you or someone tell me you knew all this?”

“Because it was between you and Staci. Karen has been afraid to tell you, because you have become very close to her. You’ve helped Karen through some very important and sensitive times. She didn’t know how to tell you without hurting you or Staci.”

“Staci told me, she understands why you’d choose Karen over her. Truthfully she wasn’t sure how her parents would react if they knew Staci thought it was more than friendship.”

I ask, “She said that. She sees us as more than friends, wow!”

Rhonda’s sister Jennifer came into the room as I raised my voice. “What’s the excitement about?”

Rhonda turns to her, “Elaine now knows she has two serious girlfriends.”

“You told Elaine about Staci? I thought you weren’t going to do that.”

“Elaine brought up her name first.”

Jennifer took me by the hand and I asked, “Where are you taking me?”

She said, “I’m taking you to my room. You’re sleeping with me or alone, depends on which you can handle. Your Grandma has your room for the night.”

“You’d let me sleep with you?”

“Yes with me in my room, not necessarily in the same bed. I’m up for a pajama party, but nothing romantic. One of your girlfriends is my best girlfriend. I’m not out to disturb that. Plus I prefer boys.”

I say, “I thought Karen and Staci did too.”

Jenn says, “Besides you, Karen likes boys. She either loves you big-time as a friend or she’s in love with you. I’m not sure if she knows for sure.”

I say, “We’re seventeen, loving someone forever might last six months that’s forever. How does one know? Karen’s been there for me and now I’ve been there for her. Yeah, we have bonds that will be forever. Me, I’m not even the girl I want to be yet. I think I’m going to wear out a girlfriend or two just having them help me discover myself.”

“Wow, when did you gain all this wisdom?”

I giggle, “Part of it came today when I was talking to myself.”

Jenn sits me on her bed and looks at me like I’m being crazy. “What in the world are you talking about? You’re not making sense.”

I say, “You had to be there.”

Jenn says, “Never mind, I have out a towel and washcloth out for you and a nice pair of teddy bear pajamas. You take a shower first and I’ll shower after you.

I wasn’t telling anyone, but I am enjoying myself bigtime being a friend or sisters with Rhonda and Jennifer.

After my shower I’m at the sink and mirror taking care of my skin and brushing out my hair and pinning it up. Jenn goes behind me hangs up her robe and gets in the shower behind me. The shower door shows a bit more than an outline of Jenn. Once I’m done I sit on the toilet and talk to Jenn.

Jenn says, “If I get out of the shower and your boy thing stands up, I’m going to be embarrassed.”

I say, “It wasn’t much more than a hose before. If it stood up now, it would be an unwanted miracle.”

She giggles, “I’d rather you go back to the bedroom or put on a robe and go say goodnight to my parents.”

I grabbed my robe and went downstairs to say goodnight to Mom Adams. Grandma had already gone to bed. Ma Adams asks about my day. I start with my boots, sweater and winter coat. I am so into how the boots fit and look on me.

When I begin to talk about my appointment, it is the same but different from when I talked with Grandma. One, Ma Adams knows who Staci is and I’m sure she has talked with Rhonda and Jennifer about the situation. I soon learn that my sister Sara comes here when I’m not around. I’m happy for Sara that she has someone she can talk to like a mom and daughter. But everyone seems to know about Staci more than me.

Mom goes to her room and comes back with a wrapped gift. She hands it to me saying, “Staci wanted you to have this as a peace offering, once you came to know she knows.”

I open it to find a soft blue skirt with a blouse that seems to go with it. The blouse has birds silhouetted in white. There is an attached scarf like she wears sometimes. Ruth Adams, mom, whispers to herself, “A very nice peace offering.”

I speak up, “She owed me nothing; I’m the one who owes her.”

Mom hugs me, “A good friend like her doesn’t worry about who owes who. She wants the ice broken and to be friends again.” Ma hugs me like she’s saying a prayer and hoping the young woman in her arms learns something. I open my eyes after not hearing an ‘amen’. Rhonda and Jennifer are standing there. Rhonda says, “Thanks Mom, we thought she needed a Mom and you didn’t let us down.”

There is a pause and Jenn asks, “Is that the gift Staci said was a peace offering. I’m not sure what Karen would say, but I want to go shopping with her sometime. She has great taste that is absolutely perfect for you Elaine.”

The next day I’m at school with Karen; we’re in a study hall when Karen confronts me. “So what’s with the mood you’re in?” I’m uncomfortable because I saw Staci in passing already twice today. I was able to only work a guilty smile and a weak hello both times. Now Karen’s questioning me, do I tell her?

We got a pass and went to the school library, and behold Staci’s there. I wanted to turn around, but Karen notices Staci and stops me. “Neither she nor I are your enemies. Let’s see if she will go to one of the small conference rooms with us.” We both stop and say hello and the Librarian encourages us to use a conference room if we need to visit about school work.

I’m not sure what to say to Staci, ‘Sorry’ seems inadequate. Karen and Staci look at each other with a smirk on their faces. I realize, I’ve been set up. It wasn’t by accident we went to the library and Staci is here. And now Jennifer is knocking at the door. She comes in, “I’m here, hoping Elaine will share some of the things she said to me.”

It feels extra difficult with Karen and Staci both here. Then I take a breath and consider they both appear to be comfortable. Dr. Anne’s words, ‘Assume makes an ass of you and me’ echo.

I find the courage to speak, “I’m sorry, I should have done things better. I anticipated that coming out as me, everyone was going to freak-out. I didn’t anticipate I have such good friends like you. Trying to be friends with Karen, I was afraid to acknowledge my friendship with you Staci. I thought I was a secret to everyone.”

“You never let me in…” Karen and Staci begin saying at the same time. Staci continues, “Most others might not have known. I don’t know how many times you started to open up and retreated. I didn’t know if I should have kicked your butt or felt sorry. I got the distrust your parents caused.” She pulled me toward her and gave me a hug.

Karen says, “I kind of knew and tried to be your friend, but before the last few games I wasn’t sure if I wanted you to be a girlfriend if you were really a girl. The night I did a makeover of you in my dreams changed that. No one could have had a better friend this past month than I have with you. Many of my other friends had trouble stomaching how I looked.”

Jennifer mumbles, “Guilty.” Though she was there, but I guess not all the time. Jennifer collects her thoughts, “But what are your feelings for Staci and Karen, Elaine?”

I begin to yell but don’t. “You already know, but there’s no good way to say I love them… I love you both, though I know that’s unfair. I’ve loved Staci a long time and well Karen is like the forbidden fruit.”

Jennifer asks, “What else did you say about love at your age?”

Staci says, “Let me answer that for her. Bryce told me this summer he’d love me forever and I challenged him. I was already sure Bryce was more Elaine. I asked him, ‘What’s forever for a boy?’”

“I told you ‘forever’ at sixteen was lucky for a girl or boy, if it lasted six months to a year. We had already made it over a year at that point. But I’ve blown-up ‘forever’ big-time.”

Staci says, “Well I haven’t. And I don’t think you really know as Elaine if you have or not. I’m not letting go easily and I don’t expect Karen will either. It is not time for decisions. Karen or I can walk away tomorrow, next week or whenever, but for now, you have your parents’ crap to work through. Becoming Elaine at seventeen should be fun, not rocket science. It is interesting you started out with Womanhood 401; I thought 400 classes were for college graduate classes.”

“How do you reach that conclusion?”

Staci says, “My Aunt’s a nurse, she’s commended Karen and you for how she’s recovered. She said, you’ve seen the ugly… not so nice side of being a woman. Please don’t say anyone, that my Aunt told me that; it was when I got angry and worried because you wouldn’t return anything. She only told me because I wanted a reason to still love you.”

Karen interjects, “I’d step away, if I could, but I don’t think I can. I too want to be around as you blossom. The difficult thing to accept is we’ve been maturing and becoming women for years. I don’t think there is a shortcut for you, it takes time.”

The class bell rang. How are we to go to class, we’re still talking. Jennifer said, “That’s not fair, but then again three of us already knew it wasn’t going to be resolved during one period.”

Karen struggled to stand and walk, she struggled more as she leaned to give Staci a hug. Karen told Staci, “If you want you could go shopping with Elaine after school. Her Grandma told Jennifer she needs some more panties and bras.”

Jennifer says, “The three of you could go.”

Karen says, “Right now when school is over I will be exhausted. I might even go home before my last class.”

I whisper to Staci, “Thanks for the beautiful outfit, but I should let you have it back. You didn’t owe be, you knew that.”

Staci Mason says, “It worked didn’t it? You now know I still love you. Besides if you returned it, I’d be real angry with you.”

Staci says to Jenn, “Jennifer, I’d have to check with my Mom, but could you drive us to the stores if I can go?” All of a sudden we were walking in different direction, except Karen and me.

Karen asks, “I should be calling home for a ride?”

To be continued...

We had left things concerning Marsha Winters to the Principal once he knew all the details, heard the phone recording and saying he’d settle things. We quickly learned Principal Forktongue was not to be trusted. Luckily Karen’s recording stayed with her. Instead of pressing the Principal or allowing it to become an issue about me, Karen waited and took it to the school board meeting.

I did call Marsha fifteen minutes before their meeting to share her name would be brought up. As predicted she and her parents were there by the start of the meeting. I was the one who was late as I waited for Grandma to come with me. When we got there the meeting was underway and things like the minutes of the previous meeting and the treasurer’s report were being made.

Finally, the School Board president acknowledged our presence when they got to new business. It was Karen who spoke up and made it her issue for being harassed. She said, “I and Elaine have suffered from despairing inequity of justice from the Principal and because of that the harassment has continued.”

Mr. Williams asked, “Is this going to be a case of hearsay: she said, he said. If so I think you need to go through the regular steps and expect the process to work. It may not be the outcome you want, but it will be fair.”

Karen says, “I want to play a recording. You won’t see much as I was inside a toilet stall, but I think the conversation recorded speaks for itself.” With approval to play the recording, she played it:
-It begins as Marsha enters and began teasing and tried to get the wheelchair away from me. A struggle is heard as I try to hold onto the wheelchair, and Marsha began to hit me and pulls the chair away.
-I asked, "Marsha please let go of Karen's chair"
-Marsha finally had a hold of me and you could even hear some of the hits. She says, “I dare you to hit me back. You know who they will blame.”
-I asked, “Why would they believe you over me?”
-Marsha says, “Because you’re a boy trying to be a slutty girl. Don’t you remember what the Principal said, ‘I’m a 4.0 student and I don’t get into trouble?’ Anyway your Dad’s an abusive dunk. You’re a stupid son just like your dad except you cry like a girl.”
-I say, “You might want to take that back before you get in big trouble.”
-Marsha’s voice is plainly heard, “Oh, oh are you threatening me?”
-I say, “No but you should look behind you before you say anything more.”
-Marsha says, “I’m not falling for your dumb tricks” She throws her books at me and screams, “Help Elaine is trying to hurt me. Help! Help!”
-Ms. Brook, my counselor, speaks up, “Marsha stop what you’re doing and behave. You come out of the girl’s room with me and we will wait for Elaine to help Karen. And then the three of us can go visit the Principal.”

Karen says, “This recording speaks to a prior incident as well as the more recent incident. It appears that Marsha again has been excused from any responsibility. I am recuperating from a horrific accident as many of you know. I do not want to jeopardize my recovery with such behavior being allowed.”

Board member Mrs. Miller asks, “And why do you believe it has not been handled properly?”

Karen says, “Because the last incident was almost two weeks ago. The looks on your faces and that of the Superintendent shows me; it was not shared with you as it should have been.”

Member Mr. Miller asks, “Principal and Superintendent, do either of you have light to shine upon this subject?”

Superintendent Jones says, “She is correct this is the first time I heard of either incident.”

Everyone looks to the Principal and waits for a response. Mr. Hart laughed at the Board President when he said, “It looks like we have a failure to communicate.” With that, he ordered the meeting into a closed session, and we were asked to wait out in the reception area. The Winters and Marsha were asked minutes later to meet with the Board.

Finally, they came out and the regular meeting was resumed. Board President Michaels addresses Karen and her parents. “We cannot go back, but we would like to share what we have decided. We ask your opinion about what we are prepared to do. We also want to offer a sincere apology to you.”

He paused for a response from the Harts. Mr. Hart says, “We would like to know what you decided and the surety that it won’t happen again before we respond.”

Mr. Michaels looks to the other Board members and then says: “Marsha and her parents have agreed to a ten-day suspension. We are quite sure it will impact her 4.0-grade average. During that suspension, she will perform community service at the elementary school. She is also required to write a satisfactory apology to you.”

Mr. Hart looks to Karen who looks to me and the Principal. Karen says, “Elaine Royce was punished for the first incident. Will you apologize to her and expunge her record of being falsely held responsible as was recorded against her? I am also concerned about Principal Forktongue and if he is being held accountable for his actions?”

Superintendent Jones says, “Protocol requires that the discipline of the Principal not be made here and now. It will be addressed properly and it would be so recorded as part of a future meeting with him.”

President Michaels rises and turns to me, “Elaine, we apologize that as you are going through this time of transition we have made the challenge before you, more difficult. We are coming to see you as a young woman with considerable character and loyalty to this school. We will soon be taking efforts for the School Board and the School staff to be educated and trained in relating to students such as yourself and the larger GLBT community.”

I had stood up during his remarks to me and I now stand speechless as what to say. I’m wanting something concrete that will affirm what he just said. Finally, something comes to mind and I ask, “Can the school board give approval for me and any other there might be like me? I would like to participate this track season as a female athlete.”

Mr. Mitchell looks to the board members and responds, “Yes, we will work in the coming meetings to assure that to be possible. We may need the help of your doctors and counselor, but yes, I believe we will.”

The Winters family including Marsha spoke to us as we left, giving verbal apologies. The Harts, Grandma and I agreed we would wait to see the sincerity of their words.

It is another night Grandma stays over with me at the Adams. She too is beginning to feel at home with the Adams family. Ruth Adams assures Grandma she is welcome to come the night before and stay the night after my meeting at the treatment center for my Dad. Grandma does not cry but tears are in her eyes. She misses such compassion from her own daughter, my mom, who lives here in the same town.

Grandma is not invited to the meeting at the treatment facility but she is welcome to the facility to wait for me in a nearby lounge. Grandma leaves in the morning by giving me a ride to the school. Max Sievers, Jennifer Adams, and Karen are there as I am let off by them. Max teases me about being driven to school by my Grams and giving her a hug and kiss.

Karen says, “She has good reason not to take a family for granted.” When I’m close enough, I jump and hug Max, and as I take his hat I give him a kiss. He’s the one now turning red. It is not until lunch when Karen asks, “What’s up? You’re all bubbly and relaxed today.”

I pause to wonder as do the others. Today for some reason I am relaxed and comfortable just being me. I’m noticing the different outfits and hair styles girls are wearing. I’ve even been noticing a few boys, I feel some attraction for. My classes are going well and I’m participating in more class discussions.

Jennifer asks, “Who is it, is it a boy?”

Karen says, “I saw her looking for Staci, but I think it might be Greg Johnson. He’s bumped into her twice today. Once, only to slow up after he passed us.”

Jennifer asks, “Wasn’t he a friend with you and Hadley Ford. That wouldn’t be a bad date. Someone who likes you as a friend and has affection for you.”

I say, “I already have that in Karen and Staci.”

Karen says, “It’s not quite the same as when they’re of the same sex unless one’s in love. Either Elaine needs to start dating or double dating. I want to be treated as someone special to you; do you hear me.”

“I, I.. would love to but I need to go home with grandma this weekend.”

Karen says, “Maybe my parents would let me drive down Saturday for a date.”

I look down, then confess, “My cousin Heather already has a date scheduled for me. It’s nothing special, more that Heather wants to do something with me.” Jennifer and Carrie both murmur, “Yes, sure.”

Karen asks, “Is it Tyler whom we met at the skating rink?”

I say, “Either him or Sam Matthews both Grams and Heather know him.”

Jennifer asks, “Of this Tyler, Sam Matthews, Max or Greg, who would you fancy more to date this weekend?”

“I never had choices and I’m usually slow in making them.”

Karen, “From what Staci says that’s very true. I hope we date, but you’re not waiting around for me. You’re not the only one who likes Greg; I guess I’ll be calling him back about this weekend.”

Strangely enough, I’m happy for Karen as it relieves my guilt about double dating with Heather. I do feel bad that as Bryce I was reluctant to ask for dates, afraid of being told no.

I was surprised at how quickly time passed. It felt like forever when I thought about seeing my Dad, but people and the school did well to keep me busy. Grandma had come the night before. She likes me and received communication from family. Uncle Jordy and my Mom said, “You’re not to come to the meeting as Elaine; at least dress in slacks and a shirt with regular shoes.”

I had no intention of heeding their requests. I did not dress in anything fancy. I showered and started with a new pair of panties. My bra is one I enjoy wearing. One would need to look intently to see its peach color. My top is a nice knit sweater with a winter scene.

Rhonda is in my room as I begin my makeup. She’s telling me, “Elaine, I am very proud of you. I could not love you more if you were really my sister. I hope your dad is making progress in dealing with his issues. You know they want you to be frankly honest with your dad. But please don’t sink to his level of putting down a person. I think it will be more helpful if you don’t.”

As I finish my makeup and hair, Rhonda says, “You have a smudge on your right cheek.” I look intently as I’m not seeing it. Rhonda points with a finger and finally smudges her finger through my blush. “There, I told you there was a smudge.”

I can’t help but laugh and take a cloth to clean the area. Soon it is repaired and Rhonda gives me a hug and walks with me to the kitchen. We’re finishing breakfast when I get text messages close together. Staci and Karen both text they’re thinking or praying for me. I had been afraid that Karen was angry with me and would not be speaking to me. Both messages end with an x and love.

Rhonda and Jennifer both have tears as they say goodbye and head for school. I have to wait another hour before leaving. Mrs. Adams and Mrs. Hart are here ready to go with us. Uncle Paul and Aunt Kenda come to be with Grams and me as they said they would. The talk of going to the Moore Treatment Center is subdued. Grams says, “It may seem like overkill for all of us to be here for you, but it’s more about how important you are to us.”

Kathryn Hart, Karen’s mom, gives me a necklace from Karen, saying, “She wants to be with you even if it is in a small way.” If nothing else goes well I am overwhelmed by the support I am receiving. Bryce never felt this.

We get to the treatment center fifteen minutes before I and others are informed of the process to be followed. They are expecting everything to last about an hour once things begin. Ms. Maggie Moore speaks to me apart from others and I am allowed to have Grams or Uncle Paul in with me, but for support only. They are not to say anything, including making contact with my mother or sister.

Dad comes into a broken circle as the time is about to begin. There will only be a few staff people behind him as he will usually sit inside the circle and someone will sit across from him. Uncle Jorge is the first and more than once Uncle Jorge is encouraged to be honest and confront my dad or share problems he has had with him. Jorge says, “His biggest problem is learning to drink appropriately. He can hold his liquor if he does so.” At that point, he is stopped. Mom and my sister Sara begin open in confronting my father. Even Dad interrupts them and says, “You are staying away from the things I need to deal with.

Mom says, “Admitting that you have a problem is 90% of dealing with it. I’m not sure what to say other than I’ll help fix you but you need to listen.” I’ve read enough to know Mom’s a rescuer which really isn’t helpful.

I can see that Sara wants to say more but she withholds. “Dad usually treated me well so I am not one of the people who should speak up.”

Maggie Moore asks her, “Who do you feel suffered from your father’s drinking and his drunken behavior?” She does not respond and looked at Mom who shook her head, ‘No’. Maggie says, “Your father has admitted to being an alcoholic when have you seen him act as such.” Maggie tries to help her, “Surely you saw times when your father lost control of himself and had drank too much.”

Dad mentions when we were all in an accident. Dad had become a remorseful drunk that night when he saw Sara hurt. Sara says, “He quit drinking for a long time. He loves all of us very much.”

Dad’s employer is to speak after me. Having heard his mumbling, I knew he planned to confront dad. I felt good knowing that I would not be alone. Finally, I am asked to take the chair across from my Dad. I smile as he looks better than I have seen him in years.

“Daddy, I love you, but not as a drunk and the thinking that goes with it.” I hear Uncle Jorge, Mom and Granddad Royce telling me to be quiet. Uncle Jorge is a bit threatening. “Daddy, I too remember the accident and how you quit drinking. Was it when Dr. Akers said ‘It was healthy and should be acceptable that I would consider being a girl?’ Was it then you went back to drinking. You and I knew better, I saw you drinking before that. You make excuses to justify your drinking or getting angry.”

It is then I hear a chair move and feel Uncle Jorge grab me by the hair. He lifts me out of the chair and slams me to the floor. Dad and the security people grab my uncle. Maggie Moore comes to me, “I’m sorry are you alright.” My hair hurts as does the back of my head from hitting the floor. I am even bleeding from my left ear. I felt my uncle grab my neck.

I am taken out to the lounge with Grams and a nurse looks at me there. The ear stops bleeding quickly, but the nurse insists I should go to the hospital and be checked. She states, "If your insurance doesn't cover it, it will be covered by the center here."

“First I need to finish with my Dad. The others shouldn’t have their way in stopping me.”

Maggie says, “You will be given another opportunity, but another time.”

I say, “I didn’t hit my head on the floor that badly. My ear tends to bleed easily; I bet it has already stopped bleeding as usual.”

Maggie has the nurse check and the ear has stopped bleeding and the bump on my head is less than feared. “Please let me speak to my Dad. I think he has made progress, but he needs to know it is not that simple.”

I go back into the room and Grandmother Royce has decided to speak. Grandpa is told to hush as Grandmother acknowledges Dad’s alcoholism runs in the family. “Michael J. Royce, you have the chance to break that cycle. It is not just the drinking but you have the whole family lying to deny it.” Dad is crying, but I know it’s because he knows Grandmother is right.

When she quits talking, my father looks at his dad and says, “She better not get hit by you! If she does she should leave you! She’ll be welcome to my home if need be.”

Grandmother sits by me and Grams and not her husband. They do go home together later.

Mr. Foster, dad’s boss, confronts my dad, “You will be welcome back, but you’ll be on thin ice. You will need to attend meetings. No more of your excuses, you need to be a damn good worker. If you want to keep your job there will be no more liquid lunches. Coming back to work with alcohol on your breath is not acceptable. I wasn’t sure before why your judgment had been so impaired. Your supervisor has been covering for you that will stop.

I sit across from dad again. “Dad, I don’t expect you to accept me even if you sober up. But I do hope you begin your recovery and understand you’re always going to be an alcoholic. It’s like I’m always going to be androgynous. Our only decision will be, will we be healthy about it or not. You don’t make my decisions nor do I make your decisions. You tend to get angry when you’re not in control. I am not sure how a person changes that thinking.”

“You have divided our family. I am sorry but I expect you to lie to yourself and others thinking you can drink socially. But you’ll end up drunk if you do. Sara will have trouble going to college because you’ll drink up her college money. It would be great if I’m wrong. I bet you already have whiskey hidden away to cheat when you get home. The best thing for me; would be you proving me, I’m wrong.”

Dad’s asked to respond to everyone who spoke. Dad became the weepy drunk I’ve seen before when he talked, but this time he was crying to his Mom, Mr. Foster and me. “Elaine, I won’t lie that I accept you as a girl. But you do make a good looking girl. You even appear to be healthy. I know I hurt you physically. I tried to make you a man. I don’t think I’m wrong but I will consider it’s possible.”

I could tell my mother is still angry with me. She did let Sara talk to me and Grams. She actually said hello to her Mom. But she walked away when Grandmother Royce asked her about bruises, or if she really broke her wrist falling down.

Sara asks for permission to go to Grams when I do after school on Friday. Mom said yes. We all knew to wait until the next day to see if she would change her mind.

Ms. Moore thanked me for speaking up. “I am glad you don’t expect your Dad to change toward you. I hope he will, but down the road. Please don’t move home early while he’s early in his recovering. Let him deal with alcohol issues and regain sober thinking. That can easily take six months or longer.”

When we left, I wanted to forget we needed to go to the doctor’s office for me to be checked on. Dr. Tilman had been my physician in the summer before this and he’s our family doctor. He gave me to one of his partners, Dr. Denise Hall.

Dr. Hall greets me warmly, “Well, I am glad to meet you Elaine and have a chance to be your doctor. A nurse will be in to give you one of our lovely exam garments to change into. Do you have any questions before we start?”

“Yes, do you know that I am in transition and not a normal patient?”

She declares, “Yes, I know you are in transition. But I disagree as you are normal because we are each different. What is happening to you is normal for you. It sounds like you made a healthy choice.” The nurse hands me a gown and suggests I change behind a curtain.

Shortly after I’m ready another nurse comes in and checks my medical history. She meticulously checks my head, ears and elsewhere for things that Dr. Hall might want to check. She’s a young nurse who I more easily identify with. Once she’s done, she leaves saying she’ll be back soon with Dr. Hall.

Dr. Hall asks, “Was the person who you cited for what he did? …I am a mandatory reporter. I will be reporting your Uncle Jorge Royce to the Sheriff’s office. Will you be safe? …Please take precautions, such as not going anywhere alone.”

“It appears along with yanking you down by your hair that he grabbed you by the neck. It is possible that bruises on your neck will be very visible come morning. You have nothing to be ashamed about. You may, however, want to cover it up to avoid having to answer the same questions over and over.”

She says, “Your head and neck do not appear to have any major injuries. I would like however to take x-rays to be on the safe side. Is that alright with you?”

Denise sits on a chair across from me, then she says, “I understand you have a doctor at the Stronghold Hospital as well as a counselor. Dr. Anne, I know of and work with her from time to time. Regarding the hormone therapy you are undergoing; you seem to be progressing well. Your doctor does not need my feedback, but she might appreciate my observation. You seem to be a well-adjusted young woman and I am very pleased with the care you are getting.

She continues, “You will be taken to have an x-ray. I ask you to wait about fifteen minutes in the waiting area for me to check it. I will let you know if everything is good or if there is something that concerns me.”

I talk to Nurse Darcy as she wheels me to x-ray and waits with me. “Can I ask you something, Darcy?”

She kind of giggles like of course, “I will answer if I can.”

“What do you think might be difficult for a girl like me in being a girl?”

Darcy smiles and pauses before we enter the x-ray room. “Well, to realize some things will take time to learn. The rest of us have taken a long time getting where we are. Because you appear to be a normal 16-year-old girl many will expect you to know and act like one. Some of us will be happy for you, and others will be angry that you don’t have periods like the rest of us.

“You may be like many women feeling angry or even get depressed that you can’t have a baby like others. You might get upset by the insensitivity of people, especially women who hurt your feelings.”

I ask, “Are you Darcy Jones who went to our high school when I was younger?” When I find out she is. I say, “It would be nice to have you as a friend if that is alright.”

She says, “It is alright with me, but I’d need to become friends apart from being a professional nurse here. My parents are Monica and Darrin Jones. If you want, you can get my contact information through them.”

The x-rays are quick and simple and Darcy walks me out to the waiting room. Only Grams is there and we’ll need to call Aunt Kenda. I remark to Grams how beautiful Aunt Kenda is. And ask if she minded her son marrying a Native American.

Grams says, “I’m not completely surprised that you don’t know my John’s grandfather was a Native American. Your Grandfather John moved back here to go to college. We met the second summer he was in college. I met his Grandfather Quill Jones. We know where the name Quill came from but we’re not sure how he got the name, Jones.”

One of your ancestors on the Royce side of the family was a woman from Barbados. But there was a separation in the family two generations later. The only trace of her blood in your Dad’s portion of the family is a slightly darker tint to your skin and the ability to tan well. Your great ancestor was not ashamed he married her or that she bore his children. Seemingly others treat the incident like the skeleton in the closet. Your mother was not ashamed of it when she learned about it. She has since bought into the family secret.”

Darcy comes out to tell us that the results are all negative. Upon leaving I ask Grams if she knows Monica and Darrin Jones. She likes the idea of me making a friend of a young woman almost ten years older than me. “If you two become friends. Let me know, I will give you some money for when you do something together.”

We were waiting for our ride when I asked Grams if she knew who my date is going to be Saturday night. She says, “It is going to be Tyler. Heather assures me he is a good young man. I met him the other night, and I agree he’s good looking and appears to be nice.”

Kenda picks us up and takes us to the Adams for the night. She says, “I hope you don’t mind but Heather got Sam to say yes to be your sister’s date.”

“That’s not fair, why did she do that?”

Heather’s mom says, “You will need to ask Heather, but I hope you will be discrete when you ask. Tyler is thought to be a nice catch that many girls would like to date. Heather says, he tends to date girls from out of town.”

I ask, “Is that so I won’t meet old girlfriends and ask questions.”

The afternoon was drawing to a close when Aunt Kenda says, “I think you already like being a girl and it is the boys who need to watch out after you.” Aunt Kenda had already said goodbye to me and left me wondering what she meant by her comment.

Later when Grams is ready for bed she asks me, “What did your Aunt mean when she said boys better watch after you?” I had to swear I didn’t know before Grams left me alone.

Rhonda, Jennifer and I talk about my doctor’s visit. I tell them, “Dr. Hall said I was doing well with my treatments. She said, my doctors, might be willing to give me a stronger dose of my therapy juice.”

Jennifer says, “Have they ever seen how you react on days that concoction kicks into overdrive?”

I hurry to say, “It does not!”

Rhonda says, “I told you, Jennifer, she really doesn’t realize it. Hopefully, she doesn’t get excited Saturday on her date.”

Jennifer laughingly says, “Karen kind of wishes it would happen when they’re alone…”

Story to be continued…

Friday morning, Elaine is excited to get a text from Sara who’s joyous that she’s getting to go to Grandma’s with her. “Mom would like Grams to come by to pick me up. Don’t expect much but Mom’s wanting to say hi to Grams. Hopefully it’s a step in the right direction. Mom might respond to you in negative terms, but I think she’s softening.”

“Thanks for speaking up, I’m hoping like Mom said that Dad’s working the program. I heard he had a problem after we left and will be there a week longer. But Dad told Mom, it was kind of good news.”

Sara and her friends come over to us when I get to school. I think it is as much that she can begin seeing Rhonda and being over her house more regularly.

Sara says, “Elaine, I’m half sorry about dating Sam tomorrow. Honestly, I think he’s too old for my sister at this point.” I look to Rhonda to see if she has an opinion. Rhonda steps back, “I’m not getting between you.”

I hadn’t known about Sara being set up with Sam. I am a little upset with Sara and Heather for it happening. I tell Sara so before I walk away.

Staci texts me to see her in the library at the end of my lunchtime. It is a little uncomfortable for me as Karen will wonder why I am going now. Thankfully she leaves me alone and I go to the library.

Staci whispers, “This isn’t fair to me, you’re usually hanging around with Karen or Rhonda or her sister. Now you’re going to your Grandma’s, when are we getting together?”

I am not saying anything but I feel like a juggler tossing things into the air. When I have a hold of one thing two or more things are in the air. But they’re not things. I am going to go out with Tyler tomorrow night. But I already have Staci and Karen that I care about and date.

I look to Staci when I see her and I begin to tear. She comes and gives me a hug. I’m not used to crying, but it’s happening more. “Staci, I don’t mean to be unfair. Things are changing so fast. I know I owe you time. I never thought I’d get to date Karen, a cheerleader. I stopped believing I’d get to be a girl. I’m even supposed to date a boy tomorrow night.” The shock of my news surprises Staci and face shows she’s hurt.

“You’re what? What am I to you?” She’s getting angry, but pauses and takes a deep breath. She takes hold of my hands again. “It’s crazy for me too Elaine! I fell in love with Bryce. I knew you were like a girl but when you came out I had to adjust. I had to adjust alone because you were afraid to contact me.”

“I accept and try to wrestle with you coming out as Elaine. I realized you’re still who I love. But you’re telling me it’s all a lie. I’m not special to you and you’re going to date some blankety boy. I know your feelings and thinking are changing. But you have two girlfriends and you’re saying you’re going to date some boy on us.”

Staci’s up on her feet, “You need to seriously think about others. If you don’t want me as a girlfriend tell me but don’t think you’re free to play with my heart.” I try to call her back, but she’s picked up her books and checks out of the library.

I mope through the school day; I know Karen too is wondering what is going on. I give her a hug at the end of school and say I’ll call her. I don’t want to lose Staci or Karen, but I hadn’t been thinking. I now have a date with Tyler, while I would have liked to be dating Sam.

Come, the end of school, I run to where Staci might be and soon find her, “Staci, Staci, I want you to know I heard what you said. I’m not sure if I’ll go on the date or not, but it’s you and Karen I care about. He doesn’t mean anything.”

Staci gave a half smile, “I am glad to hear that. I hope you will call or text me Sunday morning. Better if after your date you don’t call me.”

Sara says, “Marti got on me about you, saying we’ve been best friends and should focus on that.” I smile and she says, “Not so fast, don’t relax.” I couldn’t relax about Staci; we’ve done too much and been through things. She’s been there so many times after I had run-ins with my parents. But I’ve been there when her favorite grandpa died.

There’s a beep for her from her brother, Josh as he’s impatiently waiting to take her home. They live a good mile from the school, not in my direction. We hug and a simple affectionate kiss which means much for me.

They’re driving away as I hear Sara call, “Bro, oops. Elaine, Grams and I are over here.” After a quiet pause, “I’m sorry about the slip.” I didn’t hear it so I’m asking what?

Grandma is excited as we’re taking Sara home first. Grams and I are both asked to come into the house. It gets off to a less than spectacular start as Mom has her strange way of greeting. “Well Mom, what took you so long? You could have called or something.”

Grams says, “Hello and greetings to you, it is nice to see you and be here.” The house is extra nice though it is usually very nice. Mom is actually more finicky than Grams was before Grandpa died. Sara runs upstairs and I chase after her after I said hello to Mom. Mom didn’t say anything at least I didn’t hear her.

Sara is into the bathroom to quickly shower and freshen up. She has a pair of jeans and a nice top out. I look at the jeans and search until I find a pair of her designer jeans. It’s not a big change but she’ll look a lot better. She has a bag packed and all but closed up. She’s soon out drying her hair. She already has panties and a bra on and a dry towel around her.

She sees the jeans and is happy enough with my choice that she goes with it. I watch her quickly and lightly do her makeup. She’s good really good at looking sharp.

There are so many things I’m looking forward to talking sister to sister.

I go to my room and find most my girl stuff has been found and taken away. I do find a bracelet from Staci as well as one outfit hidden under other clothes on hangers. I take them back to Sara’s room asking if she’ll pack them with her things.

Sara says, “It looks like you quickly went through my closet. Is there anything, in particular, you’re interested in?” I quickly pull out a miniskirt I know she doesn’t wear anymore. Next, I grab a dress that I could still wear this winter. She says, “Good taste, you seem to know what I’m not going to wear. Give them to me, Mom doesn’t need to know you’re getting them.”

I say, “Thanks, I see you’ve gotten some new clothes. Did someone buy them for you or were they all from gift cards for Christmas?”

Sara picks up her bags, saying, “I’ll tell you on our way.”

Mom says goodbye to Grams and Sara. Looking at me, “I’m at least thankful you’re presenting yourself well. I guess you make a somewhat attractive girl. I still think it is wrong, but those who aren’t disgusted with you give compliments.”

I say, “Thanks, Mom. I hope you and Dad are doing well.”

She barks back, “He’s in a treatment facility, and you hope he’s doing well. That takes the cake.” I quickly excuse myself and go to the car.

We are soon at the Adams and I am up to my room. I see Jennifer is getting ready to go out. I suspect she and Karen will go to the basketball games and then to the dance. I’d like to be going and the one to dance with Karen. And maybe Staci if she’d be there.

I quickly change and Sara is on my case, “You know you should be showering…”

I cut the lecture short, “Sorry but I want to get home; I’ll shower and change there. I have clothes there I haven’t worn for a while.”

Rhonda steps into the room and Sara and Rhonda pick-up their friendship. Rhonda says to her, “You know your sister misses you, but she’s quite a girl on her own.” I grabbed three pairs of shoes. It’s my biggest shortage at Grams.

I had text Heather, on the way over, about getting out of my date. Heather’s text back, “Please don’t do that to me. I have everything set and Tyler’s told others he’s going out with you.” Rhonda and Sara both see the text. Both agree it would be a bad way to start a social life. Rhonda says, “Your girlfriends already expect you to be going. If you want to focus on them. You should have already been doing that. You can start Sunday.”

I ask, “So you think, I was wrong agreeing to a date?”

Rhonda’s being blunt, “Yes, I thought you knew better. You must have given your Grandma the notion that they were just good friends.”

Sara says, “Grams was thinking about us cousins doing something together. Having a transgender granddaughter dating is a big step in itself. Thinking she’d be going around with Staci or Karen as being anything other than a girl as friends is a step she didn’t think of Elaine taking.”

I had already packed, some clothes and makeup, and with my shoes, I’m ready to go. Ma Adams says, “It's nice to have both Royce girls over here.” She is looking mostly at me, “Don’t be fighting as sisters. You need to be bonding and getting to know each other as sisters. It is not the same as it’s been.”

Sara wins out to ride up front with Grams as it has been a long time since Sara was coming to stay. Grams says, “Sara being a senior makes this time extra special.” I’m sitting forward in the back and can see Sara’s eyes watering. The past few months have helped me to realize how special Grams is. I tap Sara knowing her tears are pure joy.

Grams embarrasses Sara, “Did you bring something for your visitor?”

She says, “Grams, it hasn’t happened yet.” Grams turned into the parking area of a group of stores before we’re home.

Grams makes me get a package of shields, saying, “You might as well get some and use them when you’re dating. It is better the personal experience that than to see you as a boy.” I have gotten an overdue check from my parents for spending. I splurge and pay for perfume for Sara and myself. I was going to buy Ice Blue until Sara says she has some with her. She then introduces me to White Sandalwood. It is a perfume introduced to her by a friend, which she has not yet gotten for herself.

While at Sephora’s I look at some of their lush lipsticks and say to Sara, “Can you believe some worn lipstick costing seventeen to thirty dollars or more?” A saleswoman hears me and asks, “Would you be open to trying a sample stick and see for yourself?” She has each of us, including Grandma, pick a sample. Turning to me saying, “You young lady should have a makeover.” There’s a pause, “Do you have the time?”

We each try our lipstick and mine is soft and creamy as well as looking beautiful. “How come these are so creamy and yet dry quickly?”

Therese says, “Because they’re fresh and how they’re made.” She asks Grandma, “Is your Granddaughter doing anything tonight?”

Grams replies, “We’re going out to dinner at seven with family.” Sara says, “But she needs a shower.” Everyone giggles except me. Grams says, “Were only five miles from our home. I could get her back if you are serious about giving her a good makeover. But I do need to ask, how much will it cost?” We each get to take our sample lipstick home. Grams and Sara aren’t surprised but it’s new for me.

Therese’s affirmation that it would be free is part of Grams and my motivation to get going. Joy rings in me when Sara says, “Aren’t you the lucky one.”

I quickly shower but take my time to dry and style my hair. Sara’s amused that I have learned as much as I have. When I swept my bangs and feathered them, Sara asks, “And where did you learn that nice little move?”

“I learned it from you but had to practice doing it for two weeks before I’d do it well enough to go out in public. Neither Rhonda nor Jennifer had trouble knowing who I copied.”

Grams finally calls us to get out into the car. We’re not to go to dinner until 7:15 so I ask, “What’s the rush?”

Grams says, “You may not have as much time as you’d like if Therese does a full makeover.” This time Sara and I are both in the backseat talking. The ride seems short, as we’re soon there and go straight to the beauty counters.

A younger cosmetic girl says, “Sit over in this chair and I’ll go get Therese.”

Therese is soon here and asking me to lean back as other women and teens draw around to watch. The other cosmetic girl fits a cloth around my neck and a slightly larger one across my waist and legs. I had not thought of the possibility of accidentally showing myself off.

They start with a facial, it’s a pale blue mud cream over my face. I’m asked to close my eyes, and by the smell, I’m certain cucumber slices are put over my eyes. Grams later tells me they were moist pads. They say five minutes have gone by as they begin cleaning the cream off. Aria takes another picture and shows others on the computer screen the difference. I want to see. I’m told, “I’ll see all the before and after they’re done.

My face is patted dry and Theresa says she’s only using a light foundation and one small dab of concealer saying my complexion is very good. A few people actually clapped that I have a good complexion. Sara is told this tint of foundation would not be ideal for her. I see a change but as the makeup goes on it seems so thin it seems to be invisible.

She uses a blush and has chosen a glossy lipstick to go with it. She uses a lip-liner which I never have. As she says, “For nighttime used it helps the look to stand out much better.” I am so intently watching I am not observing the over-all change. She uses a narrow eyeliner; saying she doesn’t like any more than that for a girl my age.

Sara says, “She’s going to be 17 before the end of the school year.”

Therese and Aria both say they thought I’m fifteen or a young sixteen. Sara says, “Would you believe she’s been a high school quarterback.”

Therese says, “Woe girl, you clean up very well. If I remember right you’re a pretty good quarterback.”

“Thanks but that’s now past tense. I plan to run track and cross-country instead.”

Aria says, “Your legs are nice that they’ll have boys running after you. That is unless you want to turn around and catch them.”

There is a lot of fun chatter going on around us along with our talking. Therese is putting the finishing touch on my eyes. A blueish-purple mascara sets the off blue eyeshadow with a silvery white above it has them sparkling.

Aria finishes my lips and both are checking for anything not quite perfect. A saleswoman has come over from the women’s store next door. She’s carrying a silver-gray miniskirt asking Therese, “What do you think about this to go along with the look you created?”

Therese says, “It would look very good, except she’d need different stockings.”

Deb agrees, but I ask, “Do I have a say in this?”

Therese whispers, “If it’s free I would say yes.”

I look to Deb from Maurice’s and ask, “Is it?”

Debra pauses before smiling and saying, “Yes, if each store gets a picture.”

“Yes, if there’s a third picture for us.” I am given a bay so I can go and change into the skirt and stockings. I’m extra happy as I’ll be wearing an extraordinary pair of stockings instead of hose as well as a brand new skirt. The skirt I wore is one of Sara’s that I’ve taken for my own.

Aunt Julia and her husband and Chase call from Hopewell’s, the restaurant we’re to meet at. Saying, “It is seven o’clock where are you?” Seemingly Grams and I heard the time differently than they did. We are there before 7:15 like we thought it was to be.

Chase and my cousin Violet are with them. One older brother is off at college and Travis works and is living on his own.

Everyone orders and then I ask, “Chase what has your attention?” He has only looked directly at me once. Usually, we’re both talkative as we both love photography which Chase is very good at.

He barks back like it’s my fault, “I’ve been getting hassled at school because my quarterback cousin is a girl!” He pauses, “It might not be your fault but they’re teasing me if I’m to be the next girl in the family.”

Though Chase is taller at five foot ten and he’s slender built. If anyone has seen pictures of me as Bryce, Chase and I look like we could be brothers, and still now as kin. Aunt Julia says, “We know it’s not your fault. But we’re glad you didn’t come and stay with us. Chase has two notes that you shouldn’t come to school with him. There would be trouble for the both of you if that happened.”

Uncle Matt says, “The Principal here said, they would do what they could, but it’s an open campus and hard to monitor under normally good circumstances.”

The salad had already been served and now the dinner has come. I continue to eat and then realize others are looking at me. Aunt Julia speaks up, asking, “How can you eat, doesn’t this bother you?”

I set my fork down, saying, “I feel bad for Chase, but it is a rare day that someone doesn’t hassle me. I guess I’ve become accustomed to not allowing it to worry me all the time.” I look to Chase, “It stinks being hassled like that. If it wasn’t your senior year you could go to Heather’s school. The students that I’ve met there were cool with me.”

Chase says, “I was wondering if I could take some pictures of you for my portfolio. I’m looking at the University of Penn. My pictures of you earlier as Bryce and now as Elaine might count more at the university level.

“I’m already accepted at two places, but the University of Pennsylvania is Ivy League and my first choice.”

I say, “Yes, but I suspect they have at least a couple of good GLBT communities. Don’t use the photos like you’re playing a card to get points. That could backfire.”

Uncle Matt says, “We’re having desserts.” I notice Violet like Sara and I order a small apple crisp. It has been months since I’ve tried to stuff myself with a big dinner and dessert.

Aunt Julia asks as we eat dessert, “Are you likely to go with Rhonda and her family next Wednesday to observe Ash Wednesday?”

I hadn’t thought about it since I’m not Catholic or from a church that usually makes much out of it. I reply, “I hadn’t thought about it. If Jennifer and Rhonda go I guess I should consider it. Is there anything I should know if I do?”

Violet says, “What I’d do if I were you, is: I’d have Jennifer go in front of me to show me what to do and Rhonda behind me. That would be to stop me from running out.”

Julia says, “That’s not bad Violet. I suspect Mrs. Adams will be behind her in case she needs added instruction as they go up both for the ashes and Communion.

We are about to leave the restaurant and split up when Case asks if we could talk alone for a moment. I can tell Case is forcing himself to get the nerve to tell me something. Soon he says, “Monday and Tuesday I was teased mercilessly about being like you. I didn’t know how to stop them. Wednesday two guys even got in my face asking me if I wanted to kiss either of them.”

I said, “You need to tell your folks and involve the school or authorities.”

Chase says, “Now I don’t need to. You’ve heard me talk about Johnny Johnson.”

I say, “He’s one of your close friends, isn’t he?”

“Well. I guess he sees us even closer. We took the shortcut through the park to get home yesterday. He tugged my hand to stop and then he kissed me.”

I ask, “Did you set him straight about that or is that part of the problem?”

Chase says, “I’m now confused, I didn’t think I like him like that. But I kind of kissed him back so what can I say?”

“Chase,” I take hold of his hands, and his Dad calls us to say goodbye and talk another time. “We don’t have enough time, but call me after 10 tonight. You’re the one to decide what it means for you, not one kiss.”

I spurt out softly, “I’ve had a couple of kisses that felt really nice that were with people I don’t feel close to. It took a bit to figure what it meant for me.” We took a few steps before I say, “Think about it and we’ll talk later.”

Sara says to me as we head to Grams SUV, “What’s Chase problem, he looked upset.”

I tell her, “I’ll tell you later.”

Grams acts like she doesn’t hear until we get out of the car. “Elaine, I want you to come and tell me what is going on before you go to bed. Do you hear me?” I shake my head to confirm I will.

Once to Grams, Sara says, “Come and let’s see the makeup you received and let you get a closer look. You look like you should have been at someone else’s table with how fantastic you look.”

I interrupted her, “I thought Aunt Julia looked especially nice and neither Violet nor you were shabby.”

Sara declares, “There’s a difference. It isn’t your fault as it was due to the makeover and a brand new skirt. They even changed your necklace and earrings.” I had not remembered the last two.

She asks me, “Did you notice the lining of your skirt? Many mini-skirts don’t even have linings and those that do, don’t have a lining like this. I don’t think Debra Mills intended to give you that skirt. But with your legs and the pictures they took; she knew what she was doing.”

“Are you sharing its extra expensive?”

She says, “You just said it and you’re correct. She knew the stockings weren’t to come back. But with the addition of the jewelry, she easily gave you more than price out at $150 dollars’ worth of clothing and jewelry.”

“Get out of her. That can’t be, I’m not that fortunate.”

Grams calls into the room, “Elaine, can I see you alone in my room.” It isn’t a question and I’m pretty sure what she wants. As I leave my room, Sara says, “I’m next.”

Grams asks me to sit on the edge of her bed; the chair where she sits at her vanity is padded and works for us talking across from each other. “Does Chase have himself in some trouble; if so why is he asking your advice?”

“Grandma, the trouble isn’t of his making, you heard that.” She knows I’m trying to get out of telling her more.

She says, “He too is my grandchild and if he’d get hurt, I’d feel bad not being there for him.”

“Grandma, it’s not about those threatening to hurt him. Some bullies threatened to kiss him, but they didn’t. I shouldn’t tell you, but a friend surprised him with a kiss. It now has him wondering, because he kind of liked the kiss. He’s kind of guessing about himself what kind of guy he is. Please, you can’t tell him you know unless he confides in you or there are problems. It is something he has to work out.”

I tell her, I think it was good he asked me and I hope he’ll confide in his parents or you. But that is his decision, not yours.”

Before I leave from talking with Grams, I ask about the makeup and skirt I got tonight. She confirms, “Yes, I think they went more than a little overboard in treating you special.”

“Your sister and I thought the makeover was extremely nice, but when Ms. Mills from Maurice’s came with that skirt and stockings; we thought things became too lavish. Needless to say, I have not been pricing miniskirts, but I recognized it to be an extremely fine item of clothing.”

I am back in my room shimming out of my skirt when Sara taps on the door as she comes back in. She doesn’t waste any time saying, “I am impressed you take better care of your clothes than Bryce. But what I really want to know is what Chase thought was so important he needed to talk to you.”

I say, “You and he are closer, I know, you should be asking him. I hope he’ll share with you but that is for him to decide.”

Sara catches me by surprise by starting to tickle me. She knows I cannot take it when she gets me by surprise as I lose any control I might have mustered. “No fair, I can’t tell you.” She doesn’t give up and I finally give in. “Okay, you heard the pressure Chase is under from people questioning his manhood. It isn’t that. It has more to do with a close friend.”

“But it has to be somewhat associated with you or he’d have talked to me. I could tell, he was particular in wanting to talk to you.”

I say, “Well, it had to do with something between them?”

Sara asks, “Did Johnny turn against him?” There's a pause and no reaction by me, “Or did Johnny put a move on him?” My eyes flash wide in surprise, and then Sara continues. “I told Chase more than once that Johnny likes him as more than a friend. Chase wouldn’t believe it.”

She asks, “So did this cause Johnny to express himself to Chase? How far did it get before Chase said no?”

I didn’t know how to answer or not answer. Sara’s ahead of me, “You’re not telling me, Chase…”

“I’m not telling you anything.”

Sara says, “So how did it go after this nothing happened?”

I aggravate Sara by continuously changing the subject. I’m thankful we’re not to see Chase tomorrow and hopefully not Sunday. I kick out Sara from the room and called wait to make sure I’m alone before I call Chase…

Story to be continued…

It is 10:30 p.m. before Chase calls and Sara is still in my room. He asks, “I’m sorry, but my parents are upset with me. They can tell I’m anxious but they’re sure it’s about the bullies identifying me with you. I figured you had your own problems with Sara wondering why I talked to you instead of her.”

“Chase…”

Chase continues and won’t stop to listen, “I liked playing with Sara and Cousin Heather, but I’d always act like I was bigger and tougher. When you started to say you’re a girl, I disliked you because you kept going out football. I was awfully upset when you began playing as a quarterback. I knew no girl would really be a quarterback.”

I try speaking up, “But I was trying…”

Chase says, “I thought a real girl would rather… I don’t know. You kept trying to please your father and I didn’t understand that. Then when Johnny kissed me I thought I was in denial about being a girl and liking him. I’m not a girl, but I always like being around your sister. It helps me enjoy girls better and I like the colors they have. Their clothes are nicer.”

I said, “I’m not sure about Johnny and me. I don’t have feelings for him, but I did like the kiss. I should have talked to Sara. How am I going to tell her now?”

Sara says, “Elaine’s been trying to tell you I’m here. I don’t see you as a girl either, but I don’t worry about those things.”

There is silence from Chase, and Sara and I begin to worry. Finally, we hear Chase before he starts talking. “Whew… That’s a relief.”

On our way to my doctor’s appointment with Dr. Anne; Sara asks, “So did you like your date with Tyler?”

I say, “It was interesting, I kind of enjoy being with a boy. It felt gross as well as exciting that I could excite a boy as I did. Right now, I’m going to date just Staci and Karen, if one of them don’t dump me.”

Grams speaks up, “I am thankful you two talked to Chase. His mom says he’s talked to his dad and her and he’s back to being himself.”

I get a text as we arrive at the clinic to meet Dr. Akers. “Grandma, can we go look at dresses before you take us back? Staci has bought a nice gown hoping I’ll take her to the Winter Ball.”

Grams asks, “Sara are you going to the ball?”

Sara smiles big, “Yes, Travis decided to ask me after he heard I went out last weekend. I already told him, if he isn’t going to treat me right, I’m open to dating other boys. Mom helped me look at dresses last Wednesday. I already know which one I’m buying. Saturday morning, Travis asked me to the dance.”

Instead of being called into an office to meet with Dr. Anne, she comes out to meet Sara. She says, “Sara, it is nice to see you and Elaine can get together again. I think Elaine sees her big sister as very important.”

I go back and have a very good session with her. She is surprised I am content where I am, and not pushing for surgery like usual. I say, “The gaff isn’t as uncomfortable, my boy part has gotten smaller. I find it more important that my breasts and body are maturing. You should know that Dr. Owens says I can’t have the medical surgery. It wouldn’t be allowed yet unless it became a medical necessity. She’s more interested in knowing from you how I’m handling my adjustment so far.”

“I can’t talk to Dr. Owens yet,” Dr. Anne says, “Someone, namely you, has not yet signed the release for me to talk with her professionally.”

I say, “But you two are an item, surely you’re talking about me.”

She says, “This is just the place someone is likely to presume we would short-cut our ethics. It would be wrong for us to jeopardize you moving ahead by unethical behavior. If Dr. Owens decides to move toward approving things medically for you. She wants to make sure it is a professional decision. The only thing I know about you from Dr. Owens is she likes you a lot.”

Dr. Anne waits until my appointment is over to ask me what I think of her ring. I’m surprised that I hadn’t noticed it. “Does this mean you are engaged?”

Dr. Anne says, “Yes, we’ll probably get married this summer and I am planning to move and live here with her. Hopefully, we find another house.”

My appointment with Dr. Owens isn’t until 2:00 p.m. I did sign a release for the two to share medical records and to make recommendations to each other.

I think it’s funny when Dr. Owens says, “I talked with your Psychologist and she thinks you’re handling the changes in your life well.”

I giggle and ask, “Dr. Patti, did she tell you that she told me of her engagement to you?” I had seen her glow before, but that was when she was happy for me. She is blushing and doesn’t know for sure what to say or do. I hug her and hold her. She steps back, saying, “Thank you, most people are happy for us, but they’re being so cautious about saying anything. No one gave me a nice hug like that.”

We’re driving back and I’m sharing the news of Drs. Patti and Anne. Grams says, “I know a few people who might like the idea of throwing them a reception.”

We’re on our way back when she asks if Macy’s would be okay to look for a gown. Sara suggests another store. Grams says, “We can look there, but the reality is Elaine can’t afford what you can.”

I say, “I have pretty nice clothes but the truth is that I couldn’t afford the miniskirt given to me last Friday. I will find something nice, but it won’t be as expensive as what Staci or you buy. The truth for me is this is a wonderful dream come true, but it is not an extravagant fantasy.”

Sara knows the store where Staci bought her gown and we even have a picture of her red gown. We are soon there and the only gown like hers is on display. I tried three dresses when the saleswoman brings a shorter white satin dress. It tiers down the back with a delicate lace over the satin dress. She says, “It has an irregularity that makes it affordable. It is barely noticeable unless someone is looking for it.” Sara and I agree it's the ideal dress to compliment Staci’s gown.

I soon get a text from Staci, “Elaine, the dress is beautiful.”

Quickly I get another text, this one from Rhonda, “Mom and I love your dress and Mom says she can fix any flaw. You’ll make Staci happy to have you in that dress.” I look to Sara who sent the pictures.

She asks, “Does that make you feel better?” She’s correct that others liking the dress, especially Staci is great news for me. Sara says, “I have heels from last year’s prom. If you can deal with 3” heels and you can get them dyed, they’re yours.”

Grams says, “I’ll pay for your trip to a salon.” I know better than to ask if I can have the extensions put in that I would like. I'll check my savings account to see if I can afford them.

When we stop at my Mom’s to let off Sara, Sara goes to get the shoes. Mom asks me, “Are you proud of yourself?” When I ask about what, she says, “You’re going to act like you’re not responsible for there being an interim-principal?”

“I can’t say I’m disappointed, but I’m as surprised as you are.”

Mom says, “I don’t think everyone is going to be happy with you because of it.”

Grams says, “But Elaine didn’t even know anything about it. How can they blame her?” I have well over a dozen people that my email kicked over to spam. I am consistent in not reading those messages. None of my friends had said anything.

Mom does tell me that Dad is due to be home come Saturday. I’m happy he’s getting out, but I'm hoping he won’t come to the dance.

Grams tells me on the way to the Adams, “Your father won’t be getting out until Monday.” It is kind of good news, but it hurts that Mom said it. I am used to not trust what they say. The surprise is that it still hurts.

I am no sooner in the Adams’ house, bringing in my clothes and Rhonda is pushing me to my room. “You need to model both your new dress and then the miniskirt that you received.” Rhonda is sorting out what is to go to dirty clothes, what’s clean and what I am to be changing into. I’ve taken off my blouse but I’m waiting to take off my skirt. Rhonda says, “I’m staying in to see if you need help with your zipper. Don’t you go getting modest with me?”

I’m changing when Rhonda asks, “How does your doctor like how Elaine is coming along? Did she notice how your breasts are growing?”

It’s a silly question to me, ‘If she’s noticed’ of course the doctor noticed. It does give me the chance to acknowledge my breasts are growing. “You know she did and she says they are becoming responsive like other girls as well. Does that make you happy?”

I ask, “Is it true that the Principal has been replaced with an interim?”

Rhonda finishes zipping up the back and hooks the top of my dress, with that she pushes me toward the living room. Ma Adams and Grams exhale, I’m feeling very good as I’ve not taken the time to make myself look exceptionally nice. I ask, “Ma Adams, do you know about dyeing shoes?”

She begins saying, “Every girl your age should know that.”

I’m sure every girl doesn’t, especially one with my lack of experience. My eyes look down and I’m feeling bad. Ma Adams, “I’m sorry, these are the things you will enjoy experiencing this year and next. They’re part of the joy of being a girl at this time in your life. Jennifer, Karen, and others in your class have been watching sisters and cousins for years. They know of it, but unless they got to go as underclass girls last year. This becomes the year when their dreams become their experiences.”

Grams says, “The difference for you. You were dreaming last year, but you didn’t expect it to ever happen. You weren’t watching and listening as closely as you would have if Elaine believed it would happen this year.”

Mrs. Adams encourages me to sit next to her as she cuts a tag and a small plastic thing from my dress. She says, “See this material in here it’s what we call a swath. We will take it to where they’ll dye shoes and they will use it to match the color needed for your shoes. If Staci wants we could use a swath from her gown to make small bows or flowers for your shoes.”

Rhonda says, “Mom, do you want to see the miniskirt on her that she was given?” I guess it wasn’t a real question as we’re on our way back to my room without me hearing an answer. Rhonda and Jennifer are both with me, helping me to undo my dress as well as to hang it properly. We put the plastic bag back over it and gently into the closet.

I am eager to put on the skirt when Jennifer stops me and hands me a pair of light gray leggings. “You need to take off what you’re wearing and put these on.” I’m upset as I’m only putting them on to show them and their mother. Rhonda has out my silver satin blouse. I put on the leggings and slide the skirt up against my legs. I enjoy the feeling of it sliding up into place. I’m in front of my mirror as I begin buttoning up the blouse. I had gotten out a bra that would make me look better. It now looks like other winter outfits that I’ve loved on other girls.

Rhonda says, “I dare you to wear that tomorrow to the school’s basketball game.” She already knows my opinion, “It takes an exceptional girl to wear a skirt like that walking up bleachers. That and some of our classrooms kind of put a girl on display. Two months ago I would not have thought of wearing such an outfit. I’m now excited about the idea.

Grams has already has seen the skirt and top; she and Ma Adams now see it as a winter outfit I could wear. Mom Adams says, “You can wear that with a blue blouse you have for school or that outfit if you’re going to the basketball game.”

Jennifer says, “If she wears the blue top she has a pair of leggings with a design that would work with it. She should come home and refresh herself anyway.”

Seeing Jennifer causes me to wonder about Karen. I had been longing to go to something special with Karen. I feel poorly about having asked Staci first. “Jennifer, is Karen going to be angry at me for going to the game and the Winter Ball with Staci?”

Jennifer says, “I think Karen still wants to go out with you, but she and Brock, from the senior class, are going to the Ball. She’s looking forward to seeing you back at school tomorrow. I don’t mean to burst your bubble but the hots she had for you has cooled. Well, they were more for Bryce.

“Brock danced with her last week and caught her by surprise when he asked her out. No, offense but I think she hopes you’ll like him too.”

I ask, “Why does she hope I’ll like him too?”

Jennifer says, “Don’t worry she asked me too. She sees us as her girlfriends; it’s important to a girl that friends like us like who she likes.”

“So I’m a friend, not a girlfriend?”

Jennifer says, “We’re not just her friends, we’re BFF; best friends isn’t that special to you?”

I tell her, “Sorry, but it’s not like I want to be approving her boyfriends.”

“Elaine, it’s not like she’s saying she loves him or that it’s romantic like you’re probably thinking. She has more feelings than that for you, but you also have feelings for Staci. I bet you think you’re different.”

I frump down on my bed, she’s right yet I don’t quite see it the same. Rhonda puts an arm around me as she sits next to me. “Elaine, I feel for you; none of us has gone through anything remotely like this.”

Grams had left without saying good-bye; Ma Adams says, “Your Grandmother didn’t want to say good-bye and get caught up in your sulking.” Mrs. Adams begins to giggle when I ask, “Was Grams able to notice I felt bad?

Ma Adams says, “Come help me in the kitchen and we can talk.”

I change out of the miniskirt and other clothes and put on some casual clothes. When I get to the kitchen Mom gives me an apron and says, “Please get the wild rice and then some water boiling. There are a few things you need to finely chop: onion, peppers, and herbs for the dish.” I’m watching her cook and asking questions.

“Elaine, I told your Grams I would talk to you. She and I have the feeling that you’re trying to grow as Elaine. Yet, you’re trying to hold onto Staci and Karen as though you’re their boyfriend. We’re not suggesting you to let go of them as friends. You might even be seeing them as romantic interests, that’s good if it’s as Elaine. I think you and Staci should have a great time at the Winter Ball.” I begin to tear and sit as I’m listening, but we’re both quiet.

Not wanting others to hear, my voice is soft. “I find myself tense, I want to be me but I'm so used to being a boy that I act like one. When I’m unsure of myself; I revert back to my old thinking and things become awkward.”

Ma Adams suggests, “Maybe, come Wednesday or Thursday, maybe both days you should go to Staci's house after school or she can come here. Use the time to be friends and get to know each other as you are now. You already know you’re to treat this as your house; she’s always welcome here.”

“My Jennifer can be awkward, trying to be the person everyone else wants her to be. Like between you and Karen she wants to be your sister and your friend. She’s afraid she has feelings for…” Ma stops like she said too much.

I say, “Are you saying she has feelings for Karen?”

Ma shakes her head no and tries to change the subject reminding me to fluff the rice and add what I’ve chopped and let it finish cooking. Jennifer sticks her head in, asking, “Is it alright to come in?”

Not heeding Ma’s ‘No’. I say, “I’m sorry Jennifer, I didn’t realize you have feelings for Karen.”

Jennifer begins to choke, “I, I… you gotta be kidding.” She looks to her mother and realizes I’ve misunderstood. “Did my mother share that I have feelings for someone?”

Considering I’m wrong, “Yes and I assumed it had to be about Karen. Your feelings for your boyfriend seemed to be quite obvious. I guess I don’t understand. She said things can be awkward for you like they are for me.”

Jennifer says, “I’ll share about that sometime, but you have enough to think about already.” I wonder but let it go for now.

Afterward, Jennifer tells me, “Mr. Stanley gave an unannounced quiz today.” Then she asks, “Did you hear Ms. Mercer is now the Interim Principal for the remainder of the year?” She’s been a school psychologist for two school districts.

I ask, “Are students blaming me for Principal Forktongue being fired?”

“Some kids yes. I think he pissed enough people off enough people that more people are happy he’s gone. Ms. Mercer made it quite clear you and other students like you aren’t to be bothered.”

“Like me, there aren’t any?”

Rhonda says, “There’s a Jackie Gibbs in ninth grade who’s actually a boy. Someone said she’s been a girl since fourth grade. She’s been attacked a few times lately along with some gay boys.” Rhonda sees my surprise, “You’d probably know that if you were part of the LGBT Club and saw passed yourself.”

“But I’m different,” I say. “I tried to join them when I was a freshman but I was beaten by my dad then. I had forgotten about them.

Rhonda says, “I bet you’d hear something and learn from them, things you won’t learn from me.” Jennifer and is quiet as we all get ready for dinner.

I laid out my clothes for the morning shortly after dinner.

I’m anxious when I get up in the morning. I wash my face to help wake up and gaze into the mirror. I love how my complexion has improved the past three months. I am down to a minimum of makeup for school. That little makes a big difference, as does brushing out my hair. I put on my leggings, bra and my robe for breakfast.

Once we’re fully dressed and ready for school Rhonda takes us early. She and Jenn both have early band practice. I need to wait outside even though it is below freezing. The leggings are not only stylish, but they also keep me relatively warm.

Jarrod a friend of Marsha Winters comes over to hassle me. Max Sievers is soon there in case he’s needed. He says, “Hey, Jarrod are you sure you want to cause trouble and test our new Principal. She’d probably like to have someone to set an example.”

Jarrod steps away saying, “Elaine should do away with herself and solve the school’s problems.” Max asks and two others besides us acknowledge hearing what he said. Jamie, one of them, is willing to tell the Principal if I’ll go with her.

Principal Mercer called the Superintendent as well as Jarrod and his parents to tell them his actions would result in an automatic two-week suspension. Their lawyer says, “Jarrod was misheard. All he said was Elaine should move away. He and others think the school just needs to put this in the past.”

It took Jamie being called back in and sharing the names of three others who heard Jarrod’s comment. Jarrod’s parents readily agree to the suspension, saying Jarrod might be transferring to a private prep school.

It’s the third period before I’m to my classes. Mr. Stanley gives me a makeup quiz that helped to get my focus back on schoolwork. Out of the fifteen questions I missed two answers.

Come, gym class, Coach Higgins has me meet with him. He’s wanting me to begin lifting some weights as I’m to be invited to play in an honorary football game after the school year is done. It is usually just for seniors, but since I’ve announced I’m not playing next year the program has made an exception. That and the star senior quarterback from the conference does not plan to play.

I’m ready to say no, when Coach asks me, “I want you to think about it and what it could mean for other girls.” He then asks, “If you haven’t heard yet Mrs. Purcell, the track coach wants to talk to you about starting to practice for the girls’ track team.”

I go over the women coaches’ office and Ms. Purcell confirms for me, “Yes you have been cleared to compete on the women’s team. I’d like you to be practicing for the 400-meter distance and some relays. You’ll need to get special shoes. If you’re going to wear tights for meets we ask you to wear our particular brand and colors. It’s not officially the uniform, but it helps for us to look like a team and keeps your legs warmer on cooler evening meets. The boys have a darker blue, so make sure you do not get those.”

Coach Purcell compliments, “It will be great to have you on the team. I know you have practiced with some of the girls last year. As a side note, I like your outfit today, it looks very nice on you.”

It is between classes Staci sees me, “Is it alright if I go home with you after school and come back for the basketball game?” I already know it will be alright with Rhonda.

I do get a few comments about Jarrod and the Principal who was fired, but I’m comfortable with that.

Monica, captain of the girls’ track team asks, “Would you go with us track girls Saturday to pick up our leggings at the sports store? We can show you, which are the ones you want to choose from and help you select track shoes.”

Monica adds, “If you haven’t walked up and down the bleachers in your shoes, you might want to do so before you go home tonight. It's not that difficult, just different enough you’ll want to know what you’re doing.”

Sara texts me, “Hope to see you tonight at the game. I hope your girlfriends won’t mind you turning boys’ heads.”

Story to be continued…

Staci’s coming home with Rhonda, Jenn and me; Ma Adams already said it would be okay, but I hadn’t expected it already today.

I didn’t know when we got home that Jennifer and Staci had already talked. Staci changes in Jenn’s room, while I change out of my clothes into a jeans skirt and threw on a T-top. It’s then Staci knocks and comes in with one of Jenn’s stuffed kitties and a doll I hadn’t remembered seeing. Jenn’s with her and both ask me to sit down.

Staci says “We want you, Elaine, to do two things. One is to become comfortable with yourself and to help us know you. You’re a wonderful person but it’s hard for us to know you if you won’t know yourself. You keep Bryce’s stuff like you might be expecting him back. Other times you act like a brother trying to protect us.”

Jenn says, “We’re not even around you at the same time. But I also find it awkward, when you act more like who you were. I think you’re cute as Elaine but you don’t always relax to be a girl.”

Last week you were in my room playing with this kitty as you want it. When I said something, you didn’t hug it like today. You became embarrassed because you acted like a girl. You threw it down and left my room without saying anything.”

Ma Adams came home and tells them. “Instead of telling Elaine, help her. Help her to know how you think like girls. Help her in being a girl, by being yourselves. She doesn’t always get it. Like now she should take a quick shower and refresh herself. You two already have already taken showers and are ready to redo your look for tonight.

Once she’s showered, and as long as Elaine’s wearing her gaff. She could be down to her panty and bra with you helping her. Discuss simple things like if you’re making sandwiches before you go. Jenn doesn’t like most of the food at the basketball games and comes home starved to death. Help Elaine know what other hairstyles might look good on her.”

Jenn turns to me, “Elaine, it isn’t enough to change your clothes and then dress again for the game tonight. I guess there’s no easy way to say it, but you need a shower and take care of yourself like other girls. It would be bad enough if you were a guy, but you’re not.”

Staci laughs as does Jennifer. Rhonda comes in, “I don’t care if Elaine goes after me but I’m first.”

Ma Adams asks, “Staci please use our room and the master bathroom to get ready for the game. Then please help Elaine.”

I shower using the body wash Grams had bought me to replace what I’d been using. I can’t believe I’ve kept using Bryce’s stuff as much as I did. Oil of Olay has a wondrous scent. I knew I had used some girl things before. It was after Karen’s accident that I had changed back. But why?

Jennifer and Staci help me with my hair, braiding it with blue, silver and white ribbons. They go well with my miniskirt and silver blouse and new tights. The others even change the laces of my Sketchers.

Rhonda takes us to the school but it is early so she can suit up for the girls’ basketball game. Since we’re early, Staci has me watch the cheerleaders practice. “Learning the cheers and movements will help you to get into the spirit. And don’t make excuses about what you don’t know. It’s time you learn, don’t let little frustrations stop you.”

Someone’s little sister or niece looks adorable in following along. Staci’s right I get frustrated and want to quit. Marcie on the freshman squad has me stand with her, opposite of the varsity squad. We practice like that until they need to freshen up and be ready for the games. Karen’s friend Mikayla compliments me on my efforts.

Karen is soon there with Brock. I forget about being jealous for a moment. I’m too delighted how far Karen has come. Her walking shows she’s back closer to being her old self. Karen is upset as there will be no more cheerleading for her this year.

Karen comments, “You know I have my cheerleader sweater in the top of my locker. You’d look even more beautiful in it than after that game you won! You know Elaine that if you’re coming in early when Rhonda and Jennifer have band or chorus rehearsals; you could be walking with me for exercise.”

I say, “But you’re dating Brock and not seeing me as a girlfriend.”

She says, “I have backed off because you dated someone when you were at Stronghold, you said that yourself. And you and Staci are still serious. Truthfully I enjoy you much better as a best friend, I don’t want to lose that.”

“I guess I agree with that except for a long time I’ve dreamed of us dating. It meant so much to help you as well as when you stood up for me.”

Karen says, “That describes best friends better than many I’ve dated.”

It is now time for Staci and me to go watch the game; Karen, Brock, Jennifer, and Travis sit away on their own. Friends Madi and Carrie sit with us. Madi enjoys hassling me about my short skirt. She obviously sees me still as a boy or knows I easily embarrass. But I’m enjoying the fact that I look good in a miniskirt and this outfit.

It’s getting more and more fun to be at school or going shopping as Elaine. I will get out of school at 1:00 o’clock Friday to get to Jesse’s Salon. Wednesday evening Jennifer and I practice making up our faces for Friday. Jenn actually enjoys me helping with her eyes. It is then that we find ourselves enjoying the other in a new way. I’m guessing it is not as much a discovery for Jennifer.

I fall asleep in her room tonight; it’s more I couldn’t say goodnight and fell asleep there. I awoke around five in the morning and make my way back to my room. Mom Adams sees me and I’m embarrassed. But she already knew before she went to bed what had happened.

Thursday, I go with Staci to her home. We’re supposed to be studying but little of that gets done. I know Mrs. Harms is uneasy now with me being a girl. When we’re both together, she says, “I hope when the Prom comes it would be okay that Staci goes with a boy or is invited to be in a larger group.”

I say, “That is months from now. I would like if we could at least go looking at Prom dresses together.”

Mrs. Harms says, “You know I think you’re a fine person and that it’s alright that you’re friends and date some.”

Staci is upset with her Mom and she starts to explode, but I talk her into going into another room with me. “Staci, it might stink but I want to be able to go to the Winter Ball with you. Please don’t ruin that by exploding and getting yourself grounded.” She’s still steaming, but is at least she’s quiet about it for now.

Staci takes me to her room to show off her gown and I can now tell why others are staying her gown and my dress is ideal, complementing of each other. Her mother is soon in, “Isn’t that a beautiful gown. I am glad you didn’t try to compete with a lavish gown of your own.”

“Mom, you should see Elaine’s dress, it is very pretty and we’ll look fabulous together. I showed you a picture of her in her dress.”

Her mom says, “Yes, it is beautiful on its own. I’m surprised your parents would spend that much money.” Neither Staci nor I were ready to tell her of the imperfection or discount I received. But I give a prayer of thanks for the wonderful job Ma Adams did in correcting the flaw.

I’m able to stay there until 6:30 p.m. I was even invited to stay for dinner, but that was after I called for a ride.

After dinner, Jennifer asks me to go with her to Karen’s but because of school work, I shouldn’t. I do go and it’s fun. I pay for it by staying up late to finish two assignments.

Ma Adams says, “I’m happy you went and had an enjoyable time.” Mom doesn’t know Brock and Travis were there and that Maynard was kind of with me.

Maynard has been recruited by a second large school and that package is the best yet. There is even a clause if he gets hurt and unable to play he can keep all the scholarships. It would require a decent grade average which he should be able to maintain.

It’s odd the two times we dance I kind of shudder that I’m dancing with a football teammate. Maynard says, “You have it easier, I’m still a guy.” That may be but the dances we had were slow and Maynard didn’t seem to have any trouble holding me close. Like with Tyler, there’s little chemistry but it still felt nice to be dancing as Elaine with a guy.

Friday morning comes early but a nice shower revives me. My clothes to school are casual, one of my rare days of wearing slacks. I’m afraid I don’t look like a girl, but others say otherwise.

I take notes for my morning classes, but otherwise, I’m not able to hold my attention to school work. I am to the salon thirty minutes later than Staci. Jennifer, Rhonda, and Karen are all at another salon. I receive a facial and a half hour massage, and they feel wonderful to me. It is another thing I need to save to experience again.

I sure wish I’d have a part-time job, but with track practice already started I can’t do both. I’ve been doing extra help at the Adams so the hair extensions are now part of getting my hair done. Most extensions are to 18” but they get trimmed down to fit the hairstyle. It is the first time I get highlights as well.

I am down to shorts and a towel for my top as I lay face down. The feeling of warm oil and hands over my back and down my legs is precious. Five minutes in a sauna and a refreshing shower, leave me ready for my hair as well as the beautician.

I rinsed my hair in the shower, but they still shampoo my hair again and this time used a conditioner to add body in my hair. It is now lush. Still wet, Riana starts to section it off and cut for the style we’ve agreed to.

She thought I’m kidding her about this being new to me. She becomes more and more delighted with my reaction and watching how she’s doing things. Her children go to the parochial school and she doesn’t know who I am. Which is refreshing for me, and I am hesitant in telling her about me. Michael another stylist tells her when he learns she doesn’t know.

She smiles at me, “My eleven-year-old daughter, says you are a good girl. She told me about you once and told me Elaina is very nice. I will tell her your name is Elaine. Would it be okay if I tell her you are one of my clients and Ooo so beautiful?”

Staci is back from under a dryer and is being combed out. I am excited to see her hairstyle being combed and brushed out. I have the advantage of seeing her hairdo unfold better than she can.

She’s happy to see what Riana is doing with my hair as it is cut and rolled. She can also tell my hair is being highlighted. Staci is not sure what to think of that, though she loves the extensions. Riana has a computer-generated image of what I should look like, so I am relaxed, kind of, mostly.

I kind of like the experience of being under the hair dryer. I have to read Seventeen as I cannot follow conversations or the TV. I thought I was having my face made-up there, but Ma and Grams decided to have it done at home so Staci gets more of a surprise.

Ma Adams younger sister Tami has been a beautician and has come to do it.

Dad Adams picks me up from the salon and I coax him into giving five more dollars as a tip. I’m disappointed that Mom isn’t there but as he says, “My wife owes it to Rhonda to be there in her senior year.” Riana is happy that she can take my picture with my phone and hers. Malena quickly texts her mother back giving her approval. She does put in two curly ribbons at her daughter’s suggestion. We both like how much they add to my hair.

I haven’t met Tami but know she is six years younger than her sister Ruth Adams. She says her oldest daughter is just becoming a teenager. Before and after pictures are being taken by Tami to show how everything looks. Mom has Jennifer’s pictures from her time at the salon.

I have on my dress with towels around me so my dress stays color and makeup free. I want long eyelashes, but as Tami does my eyes, she says, “No. If Mrs. Harms is not sure about you, long eyelashes won’t help your cause.” She makes sure my makeup goes to the top of my dress. That is something I don’t always watch closely.

I am the last of us girls to be finished and I am nervous because I didn’t think my shoes had been picked up. Luckily Mom had remembered to get them. They glimmer as they match my dress, with the exception of red roses on each shoe to match Staci’s gown.

I am tickled with how I look. Rhonda is most beautiful and Jenn is gorgeous as well. I never thought I would look this great as a girl. I am fighting tears and fortunately, don’t cry. Aunt Tami says to cry would make me late. Grams has rented a new car that Dad Adams will drive to pick up Staci with me. Pictures at Staci’s and at the school go well.

When we get to School, Principal Mercer assures me, it will be a peaceful night and encourages Staci and me to enjoy ourselves. I think it took a half hour for us to fully relax as I was sure people are looking at me from time to time. The comments I received are all good. Though a few compliments like Staci parents could have been better said.

Staci and I focused on the faster dances where no one needs to lead. When we relax the slower dances become more fun. The one flaw of the night was my lipstick did smudge when I kissed Staci. The fact that she quickly went to the restroom to correct it, let me know she’s uncomfortable with that.

We did not kiss again at the ball and she’s uncomfortable with my kissing her when we take her home.

I enjoyed myself so much that I did not realize my feet hurt until I’m taking the shoes off at home.

I’m in a little trouble as it is near midnight when I got home. I guess Ma Adams heard there was some incident at the dance and assumed it involved me. She remained very nervous until I got home.

Dad had called her once he knew I was okay, but it took getting home to calm her nerves and confirm it.

Sara and I enjoyed seeing and watching each other at the dance. We even had a professional picture taken at Grams request. Grams too was nervous about me but had been too tired to stay awake. She had seen a picture of Sara and me from Rhonda and was very happy for us and how “beautiful you both are.” Her words, not mine.

It is good to stay here and not go back with Grams when she leaves. Though I miss her. I am also nervous about my father coming out of the treatment center. My understanding is, he’s getting a glowing report from the treatment center. They are recommending he receive community service, not jail time. He’s also to be attending AA meetings a minimum of four times a week.

He will be home a week wearing a monitor, before appearing before Judge Hewitt. The rehabilitation center recommended he not use his old Lawyer Nash Cass. They cited the lawyer as being among people my father needed to stay away from for now. Mom is really irritated, but Dad is supposedly content with the change and recommendations.

I have been invited to appear at court, but I am hesitant to go. I sent a message to my court-appointed advocate Marie Tull. I want my father to have more time after his treatment before I say anything about my wishes.

I do know as I get anxious about him being out, my attention deficit is acting up and I am having more trouble at school. It is bad enough, I am to begin seeing Dr. Akers every other week for two months again.

I go with the track girls who are picking up their orders for shoes, leggings along with the girls' uniforms. The girls have fun with me trying on the leggings and shoes. Fortunately, there are extra uniforms for ten freshmen girls and three others along with me trying to make the team. Making the team is not much of a problem, but being competitive and helpful is seen very differently. I guess there is some pressure from those who have previously lettered in the sport or on the Cross-County team.

I am in reasonable condition from football and running since with Jennifer or Rhonda. The girls’ basketball team has tournament games left to play. Rhonda will need to wait to workout with the track team. Track and Cross-Country are her favorite. She is not a star basketball player, but she does make a contribution to the team.

She’s best at running relays and the 200 hundred meter sprint competing for the track team. It is possible that we could run in some of the same races. The 800-meter race and longer relays are what I hope to run.

Trevor White a long distance runner has invited me to run my shorter distance with him in the morning for his training purposes. And to build up my endurance as well. He says I could push him to time for the first 800 meters if I ran seriously. I am not excited about running fast early in the morning. I suspect he has another motive; my hope that it is positive and not to cause a problem for me. Trevor is generally known as a good guy. I’m not too worried.

My Coach is encouraging me to try it as she wants me in running condition sooner than later. Trying to push a boy as good as Trevor is a good challenge.

Sara tells me Tuesday night, she’s over to the Adams visiting Rhonda, “Elaine, Dad wants to make a new start with you. He asked me to find out if you’re willing.”

‘Wow, this is heavy. I’d love a new start too, yet I’m tired of being hurt. Even the idea of the possibility meets with so many past disappointments. I ask Sara, “Does he want or expect an answer right now?” Sara’s excited, but now sees she’s asking something hard of me.

She says, “Well I guess, but you need to be honest. If you need to wait and see how he does that would be understandable. Do you have any idea how long it might take to consider? Is it likely to be days or weeks?”

I get enough courage to say, “Honestly Sara, the judge or someone said it could take up to six months of being sober for him to be able to work through his stuff without me. I don’t think I’m comfortable enough with him and have it blow up in my face.”

I can see Sara’s disappointed, a fairytale ending would be wonderful. “Sara, I think for now Dad’s sobriety and the good relationships he has going that will be big enough.”

Sara and I hug, both with tear-filled eyes, and I have a lot of feeling for her. It is good to have a hug from her.

I stay hidden in my room after that. Which is unusual for me. I won’t be surprised if Mom Adams or Jennifer came looking for me. It isn’t fifteen minutes and there’s a knock at the door. I say, “Come in.” and the door opens with Dad walking in.

“You probably expected Mom, but she’s preparing dinner. She hopes you’ll help after you share what’s the problem.”

I tell him “Sara says, my dad wants to start things out new. I’m in here because I told her I’m not ready. And I don’t want people to talk me into trying to get back together with him or my Mom right now.”

Dad has a puzzled look, “And why would you expect anyone here to try to push you to do that?”

I say, “Because it sounds like a good thing.”

“Your Mom Adams told me that wasn’t going to happen for a half a year or so. That’s if he doesn’t run into any problems setting him back. We love you too much to pressure you into that. We’re more afraid you’d want to do it too soon.”

He continues, “We don’t have any legal clout one way or another. Your Grandma does, and I think if she errs it’s going to be on the side of you not getting hurt again.”

Dad opens his arms for a hug if I’m willing. He tends to be safe and leaves it for me to come and hug him. I step forward and we hug. He has no way to know how I enjoy and hate being in his arms. It hurts that I’m comforted by a man not my father.

Dad says while I’m in his arms. “I am hoping your father will make it in staying sober and hold onto his recovery from alcoholism. My understanding is it takes him getting his whole act together. My guess that is why he wants to try the whole thing right now.”

He smiles at me as we turn for the door, “Your responsibility right now is to get a good education like my other girls. But you have the added responsibility to get used to being Elaine and not Bryce. I think you’re doing a fantastic job, I’m very proud of you Elaine.” As we head downstairs his male humor gets the best of him, “You’re one of the top three girls in the house.”

I say, “There are four women in the house.”

He says, “Oh women, then you’re in the top four women.”

“I’m having trouble with your humor right now Dad. The hug was hard enough.” With that, I leave him and go into the kitchen to help Mom and close the door behind me. Dad comes in and sits at the kitchen table anyway.

Mom says, “I have a simple pork roast in the oven. Decide what vegetable you want with it and get it out of the freezer. Mom has sweet corn she froze last summer. I’m sure she knows what I’ll choose. Dad loves Mom’s gravy with potatoes. I’m guessing that’s what Mom is already checking on the stove. And without being asked I get the fresh lettuce and makings for a salad. We have cherry tomatoes, onion greens, grated cheese and carrots, and olive slices.

Mom asks, “So are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

I grab some silverware and plates. “Let me tell you later, I don’t want to spoil my appetite.” With that, I’m through the door to the dining room where I see an extra chair. I’m guessing my sister Sara is staying for dinner. I need another plate and serving. I also decide to tell Ma Adams why I was staying to myself.

It was that or Sara and I would be acting like we have a secret all during dinner.

Come morning I’m up early and to school by 6:30 to run with Trevor white. He laughs because I warm up different from him. We both jog two laps around the school to warm up. It is cold enough that I wear tinted running glasses, protection for my head and neck. Trevor calls me a sissy but stops when I threaten not to run with him.

Today is not to be a fast run but fast enough to help condition both of us. I’m expecting a shorter route we can run a number of times. It is ten blocks out and he’s still running further away from the school. I wait until he looks over and I take a left turn. He tempted to say something, but even with glasses, I guess my glare said enough.

We run a few blocks before I head back toward the school. It is then Trevor adds speed and leave me behind. I did speed up, but not nearly enough. I get back to school and I’m walking inside to cool down instead of quickly stopping. Trevor comes to walk with me. He says, “Thanks, I didn’t expect you to still be in that good of shape.”

I’m heading to the private locker room and shower when I pass Rhonda and Jenn coming in for their rehearsal. It helps me to think Karen is probably walking on the floor above me. I go find her and walk awhile before my shower and changing.

Karen’s happy and I feel good that I might be making a schedule all my own. I get a text from Ma Adams, “We’re talking to your Grandma about sharing the cost of renting a car so you can have something to drive when needed.”

Story to be continued…

With the weather warming up and my folks unwilling to give anything toward a car or increasing Grandma’s support of me. I needed to be satisfied with a 60 cc. motor scooter. It’s a help but a bit embarrassing for a junior in high school. On mornings I’m running early I wear jeans to school and change to a skirt or dress after I run or work out.

It’s the third Friday, my father’s home from his treatment that we see each other walking downtown. Dad is trying to be friendly and asks me to meet him at the café for something to drink. It’s in his direction and I’m reasonably comfortable as it will be in public. But as I walk toward him, I growingly become uncomfortable.

Dad sees me looking at his hands and stepping away from him as I walk to the café. It takes an effort but he pulls off his ring and stuffs it into his pocket. Once we’re in the café he opens his arms and asks, “Bryce can I give you a hug?”

I’m disappointed he calls me Bryce and say, “No.” I walk around to the other side of the table and wait for him to sit down.

He smiles and says, “I meant to say, Elaine, though you’re still Bryce to me. I need to come to accept how you see yourself, though I disagree with it.”

I am ready to get back up and leave. When he says, “Elaine please don’t do that. I want to say thanks for helping me to quit drinking.” I’m mildly shocked, he doesn't say thank you or even come close to admitting a mistake.

I ask, “You mean you haven’t had a drink since you’ve been home?”

He pauses long enough before he said, “No.” I knew better, and he clarifies. "I had a beer the first week and your Mom offered me a beer twice this week.” He pauses, “I’d prefer to have a shot with it, but I’m not going there.”

“I was wondering if I would stay sober if you’d try being Bryce more often.”

I plainly say, “Dad, it doesn’t work like that. I’m a girl whether I chose it or not, it’s just me, I’m Elaine. I’m afraid of you calling sober to mean you can drink now and then. I’m afraid you are already going to be back to drinking.

Dad says, “Your mother is afraid that I’m coaxing her to stop drinking too. She wants me to be able to have a drink with her. But I only have one drink and not all the time. I even have to check in every other week to a court person who can test my blood.”

I’m brash enough to say, “I disagree with mom, if anyone’s making an exception it should be the mother. She should be supporting your change.”

Dad says, “Let's change the subject, I hear Elaine seems to be a better student.”

“Yes Daddy, I have a grade to a grade and half higher in three subjects. And Coach Purcell has me running some mornings and now we’ve even started regular practices. Trevor White and Monica Evers were both surprised that I was still in shape from football. I guess part of that credit goes to you.”

I sip my tea slowly but the time seems to pass quickly during our visit. It is broken with Mom coming into the café, “Well Mike, I’m not surprised you’re here, but with her? I thought she had a restraining order on her parents.”

“Hi Mom, nice seeing you too.” I could tell she’s not happy to see me. I get up and go to the cashier to pay for my tea and scone. Dad says, he’ll pay for it, but I already have out my money paying my bill. I step toward my Mom, “Would you like a hug?”

She says, “No, I haven’t gotten an apology yet. If you want to be friends maybe sometime, but I have one daughter Sara.”

I get back to the Adams and I'm heart-broken. I call Grams, “Is it possible, for me to come home, Grams?” I knew better than ask so late on Friday. We agree in two weeks during Spring Break. I tell Grams over the phone, how frustrated I am. “I can see Staci, but usually it is to be as a friend, her mother's not comfortable with me being a girlfriend. And Karen’s dating Brock, and I feel it’s too touchy to live in the same house and date Jennifer. Grams, I was trying to be fair to Staci and Karen by not dating guys, but I don’t want to be alone come Friday nights."

Ma Adams is aware I’m feeling sad, but she won’t rescue me from feeling sorry for myself. I’m forced to call around and fortunately for me, Madi too is alone tonight. We decide to go see the movie 'Different as Me'. A lot of the movies seem to be dark and this is the only comedy romance. Dane and Chuck are with a group of boys planning to see another movie, but they offer to pay for us and to see the movie we’re wanting to see. Dane knows who I am, but I’m not certain about Chuck.

Before I talk with Madi, she says, “Yes.” Chuck smiles, stepping next to her. I only know that Dane is a senior who usually has artwork displayed somewhere in the school. Two of his poster art pieces have been used in creating promotional shirts. He’s happy with his poster art, but he uses his smartphone to show a futuristic art piece using music notes to mend a broken world. It would be nice to see it and other paintings and work he has.

Our school and art program is small enough, the interest he receives from art programs are from what he calls the second tier of art programs.

The movie is enjoyable enough and the theater cool enough to warrant being close to Dane and allowing his arm around me for warmth. When he drives us home he first takes Madi home and then me. “Dane, I’m not interested in anything serious yet, but I enjoyed tonight. I am interested in seeing more of the art you’ve done.”

He asks, “Does that mean you’d be open to another date, like tomorrow or next week?”

“I’d like that, but what about taking me to an art museum and explaining art to me. I like art but I’m kind of clueless when it comes to understanding and really appreciating it."

Dane says, “The museum I’m thinking of closes at 6:00 p.m. I work tomorrow but I could take you Sunday to the museum or sometime next week, even after school.”

“I have track practice after school, plus I’m going to be bored this weekend if I don’t do something.”

Dane lightly laughs, “Your enthusiasm is great for a guy’s ego. How about I pick you up Sunday around 3:30 pm. I’ll even pay for a bite to eat afterward.”

I step forward, giving him a hug. Sorry, I like you, it’s just that I’m in a mood, it has nothing to do with you.” I stretch and give him a kiss and I'm quickly out of his car.

Walking away I hear Chuck moving up to the front seat, saying, “Dude, I think she likes you, but I don’t…” I couldn't hear the last part.

I’m in the house and seemingly I’m the first one home. I seek to find Ma Adams to tell her I’m home.

Mom says, “You seem happier than when you left. So how was the movie you and Madi saw? I thought you were going to call for a ride?”

I say, “Dane Pedersen was there with some friends. He and Chuck asked to go with us to our movie, which was good. Did you know he’s a very good artist?”

Mom says, “He must be pretty good. He caused you to smile. How did it feel to be with him?”

I say, “He’s not like the other guys. I felt something. I would like permission to go with him to an art museum on Sunday afternoon. We’re planning to go somewhere to eat afterward if that is okay.”

Mom says, “You liked the feelings you had?”

I smile, “I could enjoy getting used to them.” I go to the refrigerator coming away with water and a yogurt. I go to my room and ball up in a chair. I grab a book but I’m not ready to read.

I’m listening to music until after 11:00 when Jennifer is the first sister to get home. I had already gotten ready for bed and I’m back in my comfy chair. Jenn comes in, “Can we share nights?”

Travis must have talked more than usual and said the right things. “I’m not sure if he knew I was thinking of moving on, but he was better tonight. He talked about the prom and doing something special.” Jenn’s very happy. I’m not sure if they did anything and I’m not asking just wondering.

“Mom says, you went to the movies with Madi and met up with Dane? Was that Dane Pedersen?”

I don’t know another Dane at school so it seems silly that she asks. “Did you know he’s a pretty good artist,” I ask?

Jenn says, “I’m not surprised that the quarterback didn’t notice him before. You know his girlfriend took interest in a college guy. She was taking a college-level biology course. I think the combination of her body and brain got to the guy.”

I say “If Marie was dating Dane. She better hope the college guy isn’t just interested in biology pure and simple.” We look at one another knowing with Marie looking as she does it could be true. The guy might not take enough time to know how smart or wonderful she is.

Sunday, we go into the city closest to us. We’re greeted by a base violinist and a pianist playing in the atrium of the museum. Sculptures are displayed throughout the museum. I’ve seen that before but didn’t realize much of it was related to the period or style of artwork on display around it. I’m tempted to touch one when Dane pulls my hand back. He runs my hand along my hips. I sense what he’s conveying but the curvature of the sculpture is full and rounder than me.

Dane gives me a hug whispering, “Remember, you’re a living work of art. Enjoy all the shapes your body will experience.” We kiss discretely as my feeling for Dane becomes warmer.

When we come to art from area artists Dane’s futuristic painting, 'Healing World' is on display. I am taken with how much better it is than the picture he showed on his phone. I knew it would be better, but it is so good it sends chills over me. I look at it with pride because I know the artist. That had never experienced that for me.

Two couples one older and the younger man looks like he might be their son, are looking at his painting. I speak up, “I know the artist. Don’t you think this piece is exceptional?”

The older man says, “My wife here thinks the notes represent a song, but she can’t figure it out.”

I look to Dane, he smiles and says, “There is, but it is not one complete line of notes of the song. I believe music is a universal language like art.”

Doris the music instructor writes down the notes hoping they’re in order. It is ten minutes later the sound of the two lines is heard throughout the museum. The museum curator seeks Dane out while we are looking and enjoying another work of art.

Soon we’re brought back to the painting and Dane resists telling the curator anything in front of a camera and microphone. Finally, Mr. Martin, the Curator says, “If it’s true and you let us share it, hundreds more will come to the museum. They will come to see your painting and they’ll come looking to see if they see something in other paintings and artwork.”

Dane says, “But they’ll miss the universal languages of art and music if they’re just looking to see something concrete.” Finally, Dane gives in and is interviewed. It will be weeks before they will share it in promoting the museum in April.

He says for me that the notes go with the words: “The peace that was meant to be' and "let this by my solemn vow.” I look to Dane as he shares things when later I ask Dane. He says, “The picture came to me a year ago this past Christmas. It was at the end of a Candlelight Christmas Eve vigil. It started at midnight after the formal service ended and most people were rushing home.

I sit on the stone floor and listened to Dane. Doris the teacher, her husband and their son John and Laura stayed with a handful of others. It was not only Dane speaking. When Laura announces she’s pregnant and that peace is her wish for her baby; everyone became silent.

I want to touch her tummy, though at three months I would feel no more than a bump. Tears fill my eyes as Laura says, “I can’t believe your parents fail to see that you’re a young woman.”

Laura tells me she was one of my night nurses at the Stronghold Hospital. I take a hold of her hands, closed my eyes. “I am probably fooling myself, but your tender hands say I remember you.”

Laura says, “Nighttime was hard on you some nights in the hospital. How are you doing now?” We’re talking and I wrap Dane’s hands and arms around me.

“Nightmares rarely happen anymore but there are still plenty of feelings.”

Laura says, “I hope you’ve continued to see Dr. Anne. I think she’s special.” Before 6:00 pm., we begin to look some more. Mr. Martin announces to us, we and the Andersens have an extra half hour with the museum to ourselves. Mrs. Andersen enjoys walking around with Dane. I enjoy my time with Laura and her husband.

I exchange information with Laura and ask if she knows Deputy Tiffany. It is kind of a foolish question, but I hope to introduce the two sometime.

Dane takes me to a better place to eat saying he was given some extra money by the Curator. Dane thanks me for a wonderful afternoon, and I feel self-conscious that he’s thanking me. We go to a steakhouse we both like. I’m now asking for a petite portion.

Sondra who usually waits on our family comes over and greets us saying, “I am glad you aren’t staying away because your parents come here. It is nice to see you, Elaine.”

Joc is our waiter and once he’s back with water, to take our order. Sondra leaves us alone for the rest of the night. We talk about other pieces of artwork and meeting the Andersens. My feet are out of my shoes and rubbing Dane. He blushes, but won’t acknowledge it.

Finally when he takes me home and escorts me up to the door. He says, “This is probably way too early and it’s foolish. Would you go with me to the prom?” I am bubbling over but I feel uncomfortable answering quickly.

The truth is if I went with anyone else, my first choice would be Jennifer. And she’s already told me, she and Travis are going to the prom.

“I think so Dane, but let me take a few days to think, as well as get permission.”

Once inside I am confronted by Rhonda and Jennifer, and Ma Adams is waiting in the hallway. Rhonda stops and asks me, “What was that squeal, and before that the extra-long kiss he gave you?”

I say, “It wasn’t that long of a kiss, you’re just guessing.”

Jennifer says, “What else would have taken so long in saying goodnight?” Jennifer pulls me to the couch so we can sit together.

I ask, “Jennifer are you sure you’re going to the Prom with Travis?”

Rhonda asks, “Are you telling me, he’s already asked you to the Prom? What did you say? I hope you left him hanging about an answer.”

“This is not fair, I wanted to wait to tell you. It’s my news! I don’t even know if I can afford a nice gown. This is my first prom. Before the Winter dance, I thought I had three choices for the Prom and I didn’t really know Dane. Now Staci is to go with a boy and Karen has Brock and you have Travis. Like this weekend I thought I was going to be alone.”

“And oh, we had a great time at the museum and Dane’s painting is there and got a lot of special attention. It was better than winning that football game and getting into the playoffs.”

Rhonda teased me, “What could a girl think was more important than that?”

I say, “Don’t mock me. Plenty of the girls at school thought it was great. But Dane’s painting of the world held together by music notes is more beautiful and wonderful than I first thought. Plus there’s a tune painted into the picture. Some music teacher kind of thought the notes were a song, but she couldn’t recognize any tune. Dane wasn’t going to tell anyone but the music instructor gave the notes to a pianist and she played it.”

Rhonda says, “They just happened to have a piano around?”

Then I explained what happened and then they became intrigued. I was now the one in control. I say, “Maybe they’ll announce it tomorrow or in a few weeks.”

Jennifer and then Rhonda say, “You didn’t tell us the tune; you can’t leave us hanging like that.” They take to tickling me to get me to tell them. Luckily Mom tells them to stop.

Mom waits for me to finish talking with my sisters and get ready for bed before she came to visit me. We sat on my bed with me having my legs and feet folded under me. Mom says. “If you’ll work to earn some money, we’ll help you get a pretty prom gown. Your Grams has already been saving for one, but you need to take some responsibility for it happening.”

Then she says, “Now tell me what happened between you and Dane?”

I say, “Oh the tune is to ‘Let there be peace on earth,’ but not the most familiar part. Dane got the idea at a Christmas Eve service.”

Mom stops me, “I like the story, but I’m asking about the feelings you’re having about Dane.”

“It’s like my body felt warm, even a simple kiss felt like more. When I was looking at Dane’s painting or other pictures that I connected with. I’d stand in front of Dane and let him wrap his arms around me.” “I guess the best way to describe it, He makes me feel like a girl, a girl who might be in love.”

I look at Mom, expecting her to say something like 'cool that.' Maybe something like ‘I’m too young or I shouldn’t rush things.’

She takes my hands, “It sounds like the feelings of a young woman. I’m happy for you.”

Later I went back to the mirror in the bathroom, I knew I hadn’t done a good job at taking my makeup off and cleansing my face. Mostly I went to see the girl in the mirror. Like Mom said, I see a young woman that is glowing.

Two weeks of school, track practice and a few dates with Dane have passed. Spring Break is two days away. Coach Purcell is pleased with my progress but wants me back at school practicing as our track meets to begin the following week.

The Adams will be away visiting family. Grams and I have permission to use their house, but neither of us wants to be back the full week. The only reason I would want to would be to see Dane and other friends.

Cousins Heather and Chase are already on their spring breaks this week. I will not see them until Saturday or Sunday. Heather says, if she is not exhausted she’d be happy to go out with Dane and me on Saturday night.

The Newton and the White families are both hoping the following weekend to attend Ryders Museum’s Celebration of area Artists and Their Art. This Sunday’s newspaper is to carry stories of the Museum’s celebration with Dane’s painting and its story as the paper’s lead story.

I informed the Adams and they plan to read the story via the internet. Rhonda already checked the newspaper’s 'More to the Story...' page. Rhonda texts me, “It has a very nice picture of you and Dane viewing the painting, and the pianist and violinist playing what’s cited as the mystery tune.” “Mom and Dad say we might be back early so we can all visit.”

Saturday morning, Officer Tiffany Reed has promised to take me window shopping for a prom dress. Grams says, “I and a new friend will be going with you and Tiffany.” I pester Grams all the way back to our home and so far she has not told me who.

We do stop to see Dr. Akers for an appointment. I have a needed health check scheduled for Monday. It is necessary prior to officially running in any track meet. Dr. Anne greets me, “I see the testosterone blocker is taking a healthy toll on your formerly male body. Are you sure this is what you want?”

I suspect she is just challenging me as the devil’s advocate, making sure I understand what’s happening is lasting.

I say, “Can’t you just celebrate with me. I’m becoming the girl, I told you three years ago that’s what I’m to be. I couldn’t have imagined all the little things along with my simple dreams.”

“Elaine, I do celebrate with you and I think you are progressing very well. It is important that this is what you claim to be what you want. It will help in continuing the progression of your treatment and its process.”

“Does it mean Dr. Owens will approve a stronger recipe for my hormone therapy?”

Dr. Anne says, “It is my understanding that the court and Judge Higgins are interested in hearing our reports. That the February court appearance was moved to early April to have sufficient documentation for them to make further rulings regarding your health.”

I moan, “I hope it includes cutting off that fatty tissue that makes me look freakish. Will it include that?”

Dr. Anne Akers becomes seriously professional. Neither Dr. Owens nor I am going to tell you. Even your court advocate has been requested not to share with you our reports until Judge Higgins gives any ruling at the court proceedings.”

I jokingly say, “Then I’ll be pestering Dr. Owens when I see her to see if I can get her to tell me.”

Dr. Anne says, “If I were you, I wouldn’t take it to an extreme that might indicate you’re not mature enough to warrant a progression of your treatment. Remember Elaine’s status is still under review.”

“You don’t mean all this can be changed by the whim of the court? Judge Hewitt wouldn’t do that would he?”

Dr. Anne says, “I think it is highly unlikely. But I understood Ms. Tull, your Court Advocate, has told you not to assume anything. Nothing is fully sure when you go to court. Any inappropriate actions on your part would appear to be, the only hope your parents have in turning around your future as Elaine.” She says, “From what you have said, it sounds like your father is more accepting of you. Hopefully, your mother does not have the power to get him to change his thinking back to where it was.”

Now I’m leaving the hospital as my appointment with Dr. Owens will not be until the following week. But I hear someone calling for me to stop. I stop and turn around I see Nurse Laura coming towards me but she’s still across the lobby.

She’s happy and saying, “I am glad to see you here. I heard from the museum about when the special event will be held and they’re hoping we’ll be there. We figured it could only be about your friend Dane’s painting. We’re excited for him and glad to be asked to attend. That kind of honor is new to us.”

I hug her as we meet and I introduce Grams to her. I can tell, she’s waiting for more, but I’m not sure what. Finally, Laura asks, “Are you and Dane an item? When he hugged you from behind and you leaned back into him. You reminded me of Jack and me.”

I’m being compared to Laura; she can’t know how that makes me feel. It is one of the most affirming things saying I’m really a woman. When I tell her I’m on spring break, she asks, “Could we meet so I can get to know you?”

I tell her, “You saw us on our first official date. And yes, we’re still together. He’s such a catch.”

Before I can say it and I am ready to, Laura says, “I was impressed that he’s such a mature young man and he’s also down to earth.”

“Yeah, I think the same. I’m surprised another girl let go of him. I’m just afraid when he goes to college that I’ll lose him.” Laura pauses not knowing what to say. It confirms for me that is likely true.

Laura gives me her smartphone number and asks me to contact her. I give her my information.

Heather comes over Friday night and asks, “Grams can I stay over so Elaine and I can have a sleepover?”

Grams says, “Your cousin Elaine is going to be window shopping tomorrow morning for a prom dress. Tiffany Reed and another friend are already going along with us to help Elaine find something appropriate. Heather’s excited to hear I’ve already been asked to my prom. Heather knows about Dane, but not how serious we are with each other.

“Is it that senior boy Dane, you were talking about?” Heather shows three pictures of prom dresses she’s looking at. Only one looks somewhat modest for a prom gown. I am sure I cannot afford the two that are more beautiful. I’m kind of happy for Heather, but also jealous.

“Yes, Dane has asked me to the prom.” I ask, “Grams is it okay if Heather stays here tonight with me?”

Grandma asks Heather, “Do you have clothes already here if I say yes?”

Heather says, “Yes I do, but I have some clothes in my room that my parents can bring. They’d need to come and give me a ride home if I don’t. I don’t think they will mind either way.”

“Well, then you better decide if you want other clothes or will use what’s already here. Either way, call and talk to you your parents. If they let you stay. They should come and give you a ride home by 9:00 in the morning.”

Grams makes some popcorn as we decide to watch a girl movie. Grams asks, “Are you two sleeping in separate rooms or staying in one room?”

Heather says, “We’re both girls, Grams. And it’s like a pajama party.”

“I agree.”

Heather asks me when we’re alone, “So who’s the friend going with you to shop for a prom gown?” She surprised that I don’t know. Heather says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I hope I get to stay around to see who your mystery friend is.”

We don’t eat much of the popcorn and Grams goes to bed as we’re talking more than watching the moving. Both of us have several texts or calls.

Most exciting for me is that Heather and I get ready for bed together and both of us sleep in my bed. It is plenty big enough for the two of us.

I’m up early, hoping Grams will now tell me which friend is coming with us to go shopping. I end up watching Grams make her famous cinnamon rolls. Neither of us is on diet, and it is what we get to eat visiting at Grams.

Heather helps me to pick out clothes that easy to change out of, it also includes pantyhose, nice panties, and a nice bra, in case I’m being fitted for anything.

Aunt Kenda comes to pick up Heather at 9:00 am, but everyone is talking until Tiffany comes and another young woman is with her. It takes a moment before I recognize Laura Andersen, the nurse. I can’t believe she had visited with me yesterday at the hospital and never let on I would see her today.

Today Laura’s hair is fixed differently and she’s dressed so casually she looks even younger than she appeared before. I am glad to see her and Tiffany. Laura says, “Between proms and weddings, mine and others I think I know the saleswomen at any place we might go.”

Aunt Kenda gives Grams an envelope saying, “This is to help my niece to get a nice dress.” I am blushing in surprise that she/they would be helping me. They have Heather’s prom expenses to worry about. I say thanks and give her a big hug.

Grams looks in the envelope and says it is too much. I’m not sure how much that would be. I’m now even more thankful and hopeful I can get something nicer than I hoped for my prom.

Tiffany says, “Elaine, I too am going to help make sure you get a nice prom gown.” Laura is smiling and waving her head in affirmation. Prom is two months away but I’m already getting emotional about getting a fancy dress. This is all new to me and quickly becoming overwhelming.

I turn to Laura, “I thought I asked you if you knew Tiffany Reed and you said, ‘No.’

Laura says, “I only knew her as T.S., not as Tiffany or Tiffany Reed.” Tiffany adds I was a good friend of her oldest sister. We had another girl named Tiffany who was more popular, so I became TS.

Story to continue…

Tiffany, TS as I begin to call her like Nurse Laura, is driving and with Grams sitting up with her and I am riding in the back with Laura. Laura has a bubbly personality that is infectious. Our first stop is Quality Gowns. While it is nice and has plenty of people there; it is more like a dress warehouse. The biggest help is to see a variety of gowns and their prices. Grams points out the stitching on some as a problem waiting to happen. Even a high priced pink prom dress is scratchy once I try it on. Laura and TS show me an off pink that would be a nice color on me; there is also a plum red that is very nice. But Laura and I agree, each would need another color to go with it.

We checked one of the big department stores along with two women’s stores that I like. I’m a bit disappointed as we stop for a late lunch. Though I did enjoy myself trying on different gowns. There are three that I’m interested in, but as I tell the others, “There isn’t I gotta have it gown.”

Once back into Tiffany’s SUV, Laura says, “Tiffany if you know where Deidra’s Bridal Shoppe and Gowns is? I think that is where we should go next. This young one needs to get excited again.” Deidra’s looks nice from the outside. Starting with the gowns in the windows to a light fragrance as we go in, it has my attention. The bridal section is very welcoming, even for me walking by it.

The specialty gowns and dresses are an array of color and sparkle. It goes deeper back than I thought and is very spacious. We easily spent an hour there. And while I find three gowns I like a lot. Laura encourages me not to rush to a decision. We do buy a comfortable pair of shoes with a 3½ inch heels that can be dyed to match my gown.

I was back home with Grams in time to change, shower and get ready for Dane to take me out with Cousin Heather and her date. We got a bite to eat. It was one of those oriental restaurants where you make up your stir-fry dish choosing meats, fish, vegetables, fruits like pineapple, sauces and then watch as the dish is made before us as we step around an oval grill and many chefs take turns, mixing, cooking and turning the ingredients. Until it is done and the finished plate is handed over. Dane and Jensen each go back for another plate as it doesn’t cost extra.

There is a community play that we go to, but come intermission we leave. I for one am tired and the play wasn’t holding our interest. Heather apologizes saying, “I guess it was more for our ‘rents age.”

Going for a walk would have been nice if it weren’t raining. Parking and kissing were nice until an adult with a flashlight told us to move on. It kind of killed any interest of finding another spot.

Grams told Dane he could stay overnight, but he already told his mom, he’d be home.

I am excited come Sunday when Grams asked if I wanted to go out looking for a prom dress again with Laura and her again. First, we stop at a department store Laura, Grams and I are buying first buying new dresses to wear to the museum gala the following week. Mine is a simple silver and blue dress that helps me look elegant. Laura says, “You will look very pretty in that dress; it will go well with however Dane is dressed.

Grams, for a rare time to my knowledge, treats herself to a dress. Grams is a good looking woman and as Laura says, “You have a Grandma that is young and beautiful. I haven’t heard you acknowledge it.” That wasn’t fully true, but I guess I assume she knew it. Truth be told she was older than my parents which were old enough.

Laura is further along in her pregnancy than when we met at the museum. She isn’t showing much but this might be the last time she can fit into the dress she is buying until after her baby is born. I am pleased for her as her baby bump shows slightly, but it won’t stop her from wearing regular clothes like her sparkling dress. She smiles and shares it with me. She is happy because her breasts are now a full C and will fill out her dress in new ways.

We go back to Deidra’s Bridal Shoppe, Gowns and More. We hadn’t yet looked through half of the prom gowns when we stopped the day before. We’re in another section of gowns when a college-age saleswoman asks, “Can I help you find something special?”

Laura explained, “This will be Elaine’s first prom.”

Camille introduces herself, “My name is Camille and I will be very pleased to help you.” She looks at me and a smile of recognition comes to her face. She pauses like she’s wondering if she should say something, finally; “Pardon me, but your face and name ring a bell. I’m wondering if you’re Elaine, the co-ed quarterback from last fall.”

When I acknowledge that I am, Camille turns to Grams, “And that must make you her Grandma. I am so happy you took her in and help her to still have a home and family. I cannot understand Elaine, how someone could turn you away. Not only are you an attractive girl, but you also seemed to be fearless on the football field along with facing your detractors. I will love helping such a person find the gown of your dreams.”

Camille takes some new measurements and asks what I am looking for. She takes me to a section of long gowns and we begin looking around. I’ve pulled out a pink gown to try on, and Laura has found another that I like. I go to a changing room to try on both. Camille asks, “Would you mind if I set aside a couple of gowns you might consider?”

It was a joy to try on the pink gown but in a way, I was relieved when I decide it isn’t right for me. I had not realized when I chose it, it would cost $750. Laura’s choice of the blue gown is a beautiful one and I’d be happy in wearing it. But I want to look some more if we have the time.

Laura says, “Elaine you need to see this elegant yellow gown that Camille has found.”

I say, “I told you, I want an off pink or a blue prom gown. I don’t see me as a yellow person.”

Camille has the gown in her hand, and her expression quickly changes like I kicked the air out of her idea. She says, “That is fine, I hope sometime you will give a yellow outfit a chance. It would go well with your dark hair and fine features. I would not be surprised yellow will be seen as one of your colors someday.”

I look at the gown in her hand, the yellow sequins and yellow chiffon do look beautiful. The sequin part of the gown would hug my body. I think there is no way I have the figure to wear it and look good. My hands slip down the sides of my body while I’m shaking my head ‘no’.

Laura and then Camille say, “You don’t think you look beautiful enough to wear such an elegant gown, do you?” Camille turns to me saying, “Really, you don’t?”

Camille says to me, “You don’t need to choose this gown, but you should try it on and see how beautiful you are. I don’t know if you have a date or are going with a group, but either way, you should have a good image of yourself.”

I turn to Grams and Laura saying, “I’d like to believe I’m a regular girl, but I still look too much like Bryce. I’m even surprised Dane has asked me to the Prom. If he gets embarrassed because I’m with him at the museum, he’ll take back his invitation.”

Laura says, “Go ahead and try on the gown that Camille has chosen for you; I have an idea.” I know Laura is texting friends as I go back into the changing room.

The saleswoman followed me to the dressing rooms and hands me a bag with some things in it. I closed the door to my dressing room and begin changing out of my clothes. Then I look into the bag and see a pair of panties I could die for. I know they are too expensive. The same could be said of the satin and lace bra, but I will enjoy both for now. My nipples turn warm with the thought. The bra is a simple B cup and as I slipped it on, my breasts and my body tingle with the sensation it gives me. But there are no straps to the bra.

Camille calls into me, “How are you doing? I hope I didn’t lose you, maybe you fell asleep.”

I said, “You know better, I am much too excited to fall asleep now. I’m unbuttoning all these buttons. Even if I can get it on over my head, I’m going to need to have help buttoning up the back?”

Camille says, “I could get your grandmother to help you if you want?”

I ask, “You mean you can’t help me?”

Camille says, “I’d be honored to help you but we’d need to leave the door open a crack.”

I ask her in as I am trying to figure out how to pull it over me. I guess she had signaled my grandmother and the three of us fit into the changing room. I knelt as far as I could without going to my knees as Grams and Camille are helping to guide my hands and arms to find the sleeves. Once they were going up the sleeves my head easily finds its opening. I began to quiver as the gown is now cascading down my body. I turn my back to Camille as I’m smoothing the dress down around me. Camille is buttoning up the back of the gown and I can feel it begin to snuggly fit around my bottom, then my waist and on up as the buttons close the back of the gown.

I cannot see my face in the mirror there, but I’m surprised to see the feminine body in the gown take its shape. Once Camille is done she asks me to turn around and sit down without looking into the mirror.

Camille asks, “Is it okay if I use a little of your makeup and your brush?”

“Yes, but please don’t take too much time, I still need to try another gown or two after this. I don’t want to go home without finding something. Maybe I’ll go back to the blue gown that is very pretty.”

Cami says, “After you see yourself in this one, you will have many more possibilities open to you!” I love her enthusiasm and I am indeed excited to see how I look in this gown. Cami hasn’t used a lot of makeup, two shades of eyeshadow, a light touch of makeup and then blush. She uses some mascara saying I should have had on a pencil liner around my eyes. Finally, she hands me a new stick of lip-gloss asking, “Would you please put this on to your liking?”

“Stand up, please and let’s walk over to the big mirrors.” Laura stops me on the way and shows me pictures of women in evening dresses. One is like my new dress, but even from behind you can tell these are all very attractive women. One by one, Laura shows me them from the front and indeed they are attractive. The first picture is of Laura, I am sure the other three are her friends. Laura takes me back to the picture of the attractive woman in the dress like mine. And she asks, “Do you realize that is of you, and you’re not even made up for an evening out.”

I take a second and closer look, not believing what I’m seeing. I am no ten by any means, but with my hair done and makeup and heels. I’m already a more attractive girl that I had accepted.

Cami now leads me over to the mirror and the young teen looking back with the dark hair surely looks very beautiful in the yellow gown. I quickly fall in love with the gown. I half expect that if I wear it to the prom and have the hair extensions I want, many people will not believe it is me.

My phone is ringing its Sara calling. I tell her, “Sara, you should see this beautiful prom gown I found.”

Sara stops my talking, “Be quiet and listen, please! Mom says she’s near Gram’s and now knows where you’re shopping. She may act friendly but don’t be fooled. Mom is out to cause you more problems. She might not be the one who hurts you or your gown. But she plans to at least to be around to see you cry or get angry.”

I am visibly shaken as I drop my phone reaching for something to hold me up.

Laura has picked up my phone and listens to what Sara is saying.

“How can a woman, especially a Mom be like this?” Laura soon has out her phone, “TS please answer. Call me back as soon as you get this message this is Laura with Elaine, we have a problem!”

‘I don’t want to cry, I want to tell Grams, Cami and Laura I was wrong. I want to tell them I love the gown and it’s my prom dress!’ Cami hands some tissue, “Please protect your gown. Whatever it is can’t be that bad.”

Grams calls someone, asking for help. Now she’s calling my Mom. “Audrene, where are you?” …you don’t mean to come and cause your daughter problems, do you?” It is not hard to tell Grams and my Mom are in total disagreement.

“Now listen here daughter of mine. You better listen to me and let us talk sensibly. …If you are outside, please don’t you come in and make yourself a public fool.”

I can hear Laura telling Tiffany, “Tiff don’t lose any time getting here, It sounds like the witch might be outside waiting for us. …Yes, the same place we ended at yesterday.”

I do not like what I’m hearing and I ask, “Laura can you help me to change out of this quickly. I want you to put it someplace it will be safe.”

My Mom waited for some reason before coming in. I quickly change, though I may be poorly put together. I get out of the dressing room hoping to confront my Mom. I hear her voice coming from near the entrance. But looking around I see friends of hers John and Bonnie Devlin. Bonnie appears ready to grab Grams when I quickly step in between them. She slaps at me and I catch her hand and sweep my foot to trip her. John has a sock he uses to hit me. It has something hard and it hurts. I’m determined to stay standing and I claw back at him. I am not as strong as him, but I am in good condition and know how to maintain my balance. “Where’s your dress faggot?" He swings again at my face and all I can do is block it the best I can.

Soon we hear a police whistle and Bonnie and John turn to run. I tackle Jack and just continue to grabbing and holding him until I hear an officer. “It’s okay you can let go of him and get up. No one is going anyplace until we say so.” I see Officer Tiffany, another Officer who identifies herself as Captain Briggs and another Sgt. Nick Towner.

Tiffany had seen my mother, who had said she wasn’t part of the trouble. Tiffany asked her, “Can you tell me why you are here?”

Mom snaps back at her, “I do have a real daughter who is interested in going to the prom?” Mom is stumped when asked why her daughter is not with her.

Officer Briggs had taken John to question him alone, while Officer Towner was questioning Bonnie Devlin. Most of their answers were the same, but Bonnie acknowledges, “We had been riding with Mrs. Royce and we came to the store after Audrene had received a phone call.”

Grams later told Officer Briggs, “Earlier I had seen Ms. Colleen Schmidt. She was an old friend of Audrene’s and she said hello to me. She didn’t seem to be seriously shopping but I don’t want to jump to conclusions and get her involved.”

Officer Janis Briggs says to Grams, “What appears to be a coincidence often turns out not to be. Do not worry, either way. We will just take one step at a time and things will determine who is involved and who isn’t.”

Deputy Tiffany Reed reported to Captain Briggs, “Mrs. Royce told me, she came here alone. The discrepancy is upsetting to me.”

Officer Briggs asks my mother, “Audrene Royce did you know your friends would be here?”

Mom says, “No, I already told your rude Deputy that I drove here alone. I was near the entrance of the store when the trouble broke out. How do you expect that a woman entering the store would know who’s already here?”

Officer Briggs says, “That creates a problem for us, as the Devlins have already said they rode here with you. Would you like to change your story?”

Mom says, “I would like to speak with a lawyer as I believe there’ been a mistake.”

Officer Briggs in taking charge, “I’d like Elaine, Mrs. Newton, and Nurse Laura Andersen to come to the Sheriff’s Office in two hours to complete your statements and to be interviewed further.”

Laura asks, “Would it be possible to come to the Sheriff’s office in the morning? I have a long shift at the hospital beginning at seven this evening?”

I speak up, “Laura did not get involved in the scuffle; I believe that was out of concern for her pregnancy.”

“If that is true, please simply state that now. I will ask you to report to the Sheriff’s Office by noon tomorrow.” Laura confirmed both her pregnancy and her standing with Grams as a result.

My mother and the Devlins went with the officers to the Sheriff’s Office. I cry with Grams and Laura is hugging the two of us.

Camille returns half apologizing along with asking if we were alright. She asks, “Would you like me to hold the yellow or blue gowns? We can hold them for when you’d feel more like continuing to look at them or others.”

I shake my head no. “I am not quite sure, what the next step should be, but before my mother and others interrupted I was already set on the yellow gown you had me try. I hope I didn’t damage it by getting out of it so fast. I wanted you to take it some safe place.”

Laura says, “How would she have been able to do that? She stopped the woman you called Bonnie from attacking again you.”

Cami smiles, “It got to a safe spot and is still there. I hope I’m not in trouble for taking sides but you are my customer.” She encourages us to come into the back where there are a larger changing room and a place to take measurements and mark the dresses as needed. She turns to Laura, “Are you willing to help me get Elaine into her gown after she changes out of her outfit?” Laura readily agrees and they both reach for a chair Grams can sit in. I’m fitted for my prom dress.

Grams, “Might I ask what the gown costs before we go any further?” I hadn’t thought of the cost before as I did not plan to be selecting it. Camille had asked me to amuse her and treat myself by trying it on. I am now sighing in concern. I think this is prettier than one that was priced at $750.

Camille asks, “How much do you think it costs?”

I am holding my blouse in front of me, “I don’t even want to guess.”

Grams says, “Even if it is near $600, we will find a way to make it work.” My heart glows with a little hope.

Laura says, “I think I saw the price, so I’ll be happy if it’s true.”

Camille says, “Before the 15% discount and other possible saving it was priced at $498.95.”

I ask, “What other savings might there be?”

Camille whispers, “If you take your time in making a decision and especially if you consider going elsewhere. Well, the manager might be willing to make an offer like adding a discount or something offered off of shoes.”

I turn to Grams, “But I want this gown, I don’t want to go looking some other place.”

Laura jokes with Grams, “Maybe Elaine hit her head in that struggle.” I’m ready to say I’m alright but realize what is being said. I have on the gown and I’m up on the pedestal where alterations might be made.

Grams says, “Now is the time for a few tears if you can find them.”

I moan to Camille, “It’s not that it isn’t worth it and I do love the gown, but I can’t let Grams pay that much for this gown. Instead of having a fitting, I’m afraid we will have to look some more.”

I hear from the doorway of the dressing room, “Young lady please don’t go making any rash decisions. Why is it up to your Grandmother to pay for your gown?”

Camille speaks up before I can. “This is the young woman who was attacked earlier and her mother was one of the people taken away by the officers. This is Elaine Royce the former Quarterback, and her parents aren’t taking any more responsibility than what the courts required.”

Grams says, “I will try to find a way to purchase it if possible. But I can’t afford to lose a deposit if we decide on a less expensive gown somewhere.” When asked how much she has, Grams says, some good friends have given over $150 toward her prom night, but there are some big expenses along with the prom dress.”

Sofia Mitchner introduces herself saying, “You are correct there are many other expenses if a young woman is going to enjoy her prom. Camille have you allowed her to use one of our nicer sets of panties and bras to try on this gown? I know you often do.”

Camille hesitates in saying yes but does.

“Well Elaine, I can’t picture you as a football player, even though they say you tackled a man earlier. That is why I was called in. I’m the owner of the store, so if I want, I can make whatever I want to happen.”

“This is a very beautiful gown and it will not likely be here another two weeks. I am not of a mind to let it go for half price but I will sell it to you for $375.00 and give you the panty/bra set if you’d buy a nice stocking set for $15.00. You will still get an additional 15% off from the store promotion. I do want to figure Camille’s commission before the additional discount. If the store is not named in a lawsuit she will even get a $50.00 bonus. It is my understanding she and you prevented things from getting uglier than it was.”

Ms. Mitchner turns to Grams, “I am sorry to say but the offer is for today and Elaine deciding without looking anywhere else.”

I am excited, “Grams, that is like everything for $340 or 50 dollars, please?”

Sofi turns to Laura, “Its Laura Andersen now isn’t it? How come when you’re around we end up making good deals for you and your friends?”

Laura smiles, “It might be because you like repeat customers. I let Elaine look at other places yesterday.”

The owner says to Laura, “Did I read correctly in the newspaper that you and your husband have been invited to the Ryders Museum for a special showing starting next weekend?”

“That is correct and would you like to guess who will be on the arm of the young Artist Dane Pedersen?”

Sofia comes over and gives me a hug, saying, “He must be a special young man as well as a gifted artist. Congratulations, is he also the young man taking you to the prom?”

Sofia says to Camille, “Let me see if I can still do a good fitting of a gown?” With that, she asks me to be patient with her. I am not sure if she has ever been a seamstress and it kind of worries me, but what could I say. She asks, “Is it okay to fit this nice and snug? You cannot go out and break your diet before the prom. No gorging yourself on chocolate and Cadbury eggs this Easter.”

She asks, “Are you use to wearing long gowns, high heels and having a slit off to the side of your skirt?” I turn a bit red, knowing until this winter I hadn’t be able to do any of it without sneaking a few minutes for possibly even one. “I didn’t think so. I would like to open the skirt here. Your legs are a little shorter than the skirt of this gown. I would like to have the bottom of the gown to here; where it is just brushing the floor. I want you to find something to practice dancing in. If needed a week before your prom we can shorten it another inch and a half.”

"We are planning on you looking exquisite yet age-appropriate. I do not like young women giving their young men and others the wrong impression. I do however suggest you and your grandmother decide what would be proper in giving your breasts some lift for the upper appearance of you and your gown.”

It is getting close to 5:00 pm. and Laura is still with us as I’m just got out of the gown. Laura pushes herself into my changing room to hug me. She needs to leave. “Jack is picking me up, and TS will come to your house to help get my car to the hospital. You and Grams should have no trouble driving my vehicle home.”

I say, “You can’t.” The truth she has little choice as there is not a good taxi service out to Grams.

Tiffany is out to Grams by six o’clock. She and I drive to meet Laura as she goes to the hospital at 6:30 pm. It will be the start of her long night. Hopefully, I would have remembered to thank Laura on my own when I saw her. But Tiffany does me the favor of urging me to be express my appreciation and thanks to Laura. It brings tears to my eyes. I’m not only thankful for her help in finding the prom gown. I am moved that Laura did so much and now has a twelve-hour shift at the hospital. Laura wants to show me and my dress off to the nurses in her area. Many of them she says remember me from when I was a patient.

Alas, Tiffany reminds me that Grandma and I still need to go make a report. I ask, “Tiffany, what did they decide with my Mom and the Devlins?”

“You will need to meet with Captain Briggs before you’re told if anything about the others. She will probably want your report and interview done before they tell you any more.”

Tiffany says, “Are you going to show me a picture of your gown?” I almost forgot that I had any pictures as Laura and Grams took most of them. I showed her two pictures that Laura had sent to me that are flattering.

Our time at the County Sheriff’s Office takes an hour and a half; Grams and I are both exhausted afterward. Captain Briggs says, “Your Mom is facing three charges and each of the Devlins is facing two charges all from the incident today. We will wait to see if the County Attorney wants to add or modify any charges after reading your reports and my evaluation.”

It is 9:00 when we finally get home and Grams gives me a hug saying, “Elaine you impressed me with how well did today, coming through all that so well. You have to be so pleased with the beautiful gown you have for your prom. Someone years older would be proud of being so strong.”

I burst into tears, hugging Grams as I cry on her shoulder. “Grams, I am not strong or brave and I’m not more mature.” Grams holds me, encouraging me to let my tears come.

Finally, Grams asks me, “So what’s happening inside?”

“Grams, no one knows but I’m barely a teenager inside. I’ve been so frightened and afraid since I first tried to be me at thirteen. Dr. Anne told me I was holding back, but I didn’t believe her. She was right, I only acted like I’m brave.” Before today, I was hoping my Dad was getting better and things would all turn outright. “Grams, Mom scared me to death. It is like no place is safe. Look at what I’ve done to your daughter. Please don’t hate me for the trouble she is in.”

Grams too is crying, “Elaine, it does tear at my heart about your mother. She will always be my daughter, but you didn’t cause any of her problems. It is sad to say, but your mother has been in denial. She has become sick. Since she was a teenager, she’s been controlling and seeing things her way. You and Sara are the two good things she and your father have done. I don’t know how you two have turned out so well?”

“We’ve turned out well?”

To be continued…

I’ve settled down since my encounter with Mom and the Devlins at the dress store. The morning I’m back at the Adams house and I’m ready to go to school, my court advocate calls me. Marie Tull says, “Your mother now has five charges against her and the Devlins have one more as well. I will need to meet with you soon.”

“I just want to go to school and have a normal day; am I free to do that?”

Marie says, “That would probably be an excellent idea. You have a good day. I don’t expect any trouble for you but it might be a good idea to always have someone with you this week.”

Rhonda comes over to me, “Elaine, I want you to ride with me to school, and I’ll give you a ride to the track. Coach plans to have you run the 800-meter run and the second leg of the 400-relay.”

I get text messages from Dane, but I only see him today when we pass in the hall. Being a senior and such a smart student we don’t share any classes. I can hear that he aches for what I’ve been through. He hopes to see and give me a hug before the track meet. His text, “I was to be working today, but will be at your track meet instead.”

Jamal stops me as I go to my last class, “Heads up,” he says. “I heard someone’s still angry with you. We’ll try to have your back.” Jamal plays on defense and was one of the players who stood against my Dad. His sister Thira is a year behind me and is also on the track team.

I do have fun showing pictures of my prom gown to others who are interested and a few who weren’t.

I am excited to get to our track and to begin stretching and getting ready for the meet. We have two visiting teams. I run a decent time in the 800-meter run: its 2.26, 2 minutes 24 seconds it is a decent run for the first of the season. That garners me 5th place overall. The truth is I saved some energy as I will be running in the 800 medley race.

It is in between races that Jamal spots a drone flying toward me, and he yells for me to quickly come to him. I get up from where I was and begin trotting toward him. Seemingly that makes it harder for the drone coming toward me.

I felt the pain of a burn on my ass just as Jamal reached me and pushed me to the side. He threw Thira’s track shoe at the drone barely grazing it. The drone was able to fly off, out over a field, before flying back toward town.

My track shorts have a messy singed area where my butt felt the pain. I am shaken by the idea that a drone with a laser had tried to hurt me. Thira and Karen are trying to tell me I was lucky, which upset me. Then Karen says, “If you hadn’t moved and run. It could have been your face or eyes.”

I now begin to cry as the first call of my next race is made over the speakers. It is then we realize what happened to me is away from the events and few had noticed. Karen is calling for her Mom, who’s in the stands. Thira reports to where I should be going, telling the coach what happened.

Several people including a policeman are now watching for the possibility of the drone or anyone being in the track area who shouldn’t be here. Coach Purcell takes time with me and I try to assure her I can run my leg of the race. Unfortunately, I am shaky as I get up and walk toward the starting area. Coach calls for Madi Miller, telling her she’s running in my place. Madi can run a decent 400-meter race; she’ll need to do the best she can.

Mrs. Hart and a medic get me to where they can look under by shorts discretely. There is a raised welt that is discolored, but it is not really injured. My panty, however, was partly burnt and adhering to my track shorts.

Before the track meet ends, the fans and participants are asked to report anything suspicious. Karen Hart’s younger cousin Pam is the only one to report anything. She told of a high school boy talking on his phone and leaving quickly. She knew his name, but others said she gave too little information to act upon. …Seemingly that was not fully true: Jack Trope was confronted and his phone was checked. It had a link to a boy, Alan, already suspended from the school.

Pam and I talked later and we shared hugs. I giggle lightly as Pam says, “I liked you more as Bryce. I think Karen found it easy to love Bryce.” I agreed, “I fancied Karen. I even loved helping her after she was hurt. We’re great friends but it’s not romantic.”

Pam says, “That’s good, girls need good friends. I don’t think many dates last when you’re our age.”

The week continues busy enough with school and track practice. Grams comes to the Adams house Friday and stays with me. The next day we leave from there with me wearing the blue and silver dress to the museum. First I have an appointment with Riana to have my hair done at 7:30 a.m.

Dane is to the museum by 9:00 and we’re there just before 10:00 a.m. when the museum opens. Everything at Riana’s got started late or took more time. But I am happy with how I look and the fuss made over me.

A more formal ceremony is to take place at 1:00 a.m. in the main lobby. Mrs. Withers on the museum’s board of directors compliments my dress and appearance. Then she asks if I will stay at Dane’s painting willing to speak on his behalf. I like the idea but thought Dane would be with me. He’s taken away to speak with others. It is nice to see Laura in her gown, her husband and his parents.

It is fun in speaking as every group seems to have people I know. Others who are interested in what I say. One man compliments me, “You seem to know the artist as well as have some friends of your own.” A woman says, “It takes a good looking woman to get my husband to look at art.” With the special weekend, there should be plenty of women walking around to help a man’s interest.

Saturday night the Adams are back early from their spring break. Ma Ruth helps with my hair and Rhonda and Jennifer help with my makeup and accessories. I swear I could get to like having a nice fuss made over me. Grams instructs me, again and again, to learn from my friends so I can do things for myself.

I do watch and learn, it is part of the fun for me being a girl. Some ideas Rhonda and others try on me, I would never do except they tried it on me first. My gown had not shown much cleave on Saturday, but come Sunday Rhonda has me wear a push-up bra with inserts. It is still within good taste, it just helps me in looking like a girl.

Grams questions the difference saying, “Today you can watch and see how few men look you in the eyes.”

There’s another good crowd today and today I have Dane with me at his painting. There is a CD playing on the hour of Dane’s presentation the day before. A Sunday evening broadcast team is here to record for broadcast tonight. Rhonda whispers for me to walk near the painting to step and sway my hips. They recorded the heads of the men who turn watching me.

Laura Martin jabs her husband Jack because he’s one of those turning his head. “Well at least you’re alive, but I thought you said I’m beautiful.” Jack tries to cover his actions and Laura laughs. “Don’t worry too much, just remember not to touch that candy.”

I am glad for Dane when the Pedersens arrive at 3:30 pm. His Dad, Joshua Pedersen says, “We usually don’t do much on Sunday. We made an exception for our son Dane. I am glad people like what he does; myself I don’t understand people taking time for such things.” He says, “That Frederik Tengnagel the famous Danish artist at least painted landscapes.”

Dane smiles as me, knowing I am upset and want to say something. Rhonda says, “I thought the Danish treasured great art.”

Mr. Pedersen says, “It is nice for the rich, they buy the art for little while others are paid the big money after the artist dies.”

Mrs. Withers calms herself before speaking. “We paid good money to purchase Dane’s painting. We hope with the recognition we give him he will receive scholarships and be paid even better money for his artwork.”

While North State University has bought one of his painting. They have asked Dane to paint another of this painting or approve a limited number of signed copies to be made.

I am glad when five o’clock comes and we’re free to leave. Mr. and Mrs. Pedersen are wanting to take Dane and me to dinner. But I am with my Grandmother, and Heather and her parents and the Adams and my friends are all wanting to go to dinner with us. I tell Dane, “You should go with your parents and I will go with Grams, the Adams, and friends.”

Dane says, “We should go where anyone can come and my parents can pay for us and your Grandmother.” Uncle Paul says he and his wife can pay for Heather, another sister and others. The Adams said Karen Hart and Madi and another friend will be with them. It is Ruth Adams that calls and finds a place that can seat as well as handle serving us.

It has been a long second day fitting into this pretty dress and heels. Mrs. Adams hands me a pair of ballet slippers as I’m ready to get into Dane’s car. Rhonda, Jennifer, and Karen fit into the back seat.

Dinner is nice enough, and the attention Dane is getting that is so wonderful to me. Between the attention, he’s getting and what his dad said earlier; it is not hard to see why he tends to be very humble.

Joshua Pedersen comments near the end of the meal, “Dane my son, I am impressed with your friends and the adults who think enough of you to be here. I heard your friend Rhonda tell a Miss Karen Hart that there were even many more yesterday. It causes me to be happy and proud for you.”

“We know you are an intelligent boy, but to have so many friends you are very fortunate. Even your cousin Marvin was not this well thought of.”

Dane chuckles and softly says, “Yes Father, it is nice to have such friends. And Elaine has bought a gown that is even more beautiful than the dress she wears today. I am wondering if you think it would be a good or silly thing if I painted a picture of her in her gown?”

Mrs. Marian Pedersen speaks up, “He would have thought it silly. Hopefully, he agrees with me that it would be a beautiful idea. A keepsake she could keep and treasure.”

Dane hugs and looks at me, “Elaine are you willing to sit or stand for me so I can do it?” Rhonda comes over and gives me a big hug and is joined by her sister Jennifer, Karen and my cousin Heather.

I whisper to Rhonda, “I am not sure I can stand in heels that long. I have 3½” heels for the prom. Do you think I can use 2” heels for the portrait?”

“Nothing less, but you’d be surprised what a girl can do in heels when she puts her mind to it.” I look at Rhonda’s Mom. Ma Adams says, “Yes, you could wear a 2 ½” inch heels. Though like Rhonda says, being a girl you will find a way to do what you want to do.”

I say, “You think any girl would wear the higher heels.”

Jennifer says, “No, but you’re becoming an attractive girly girl, like me. I think it will be good practice for wearing your heels come prom-night.” The truth is I’ve been staying away from being more girly, worried it would be inviting more trouble.

Grams and I stay at the Adams tonight, but I have my doctor and my counseling appointments tomorrow. I take Grams with me to the dining room to talk. “Grandma, can I talk seriously with you?”

Grams says, “Grandma is it, it must be serious. Yes, we can talk. What concerns you?”

“I’m tired of all the trouble that seems to follow me. I was wondering if it would be okay to go to Heather’s high school next year.” Grams reaches over to give me a hug. She knows how important the Adams, and my friends here are to me.

There’s a knock at the entrance to the dining room, Ma Adams is there. “Is there a problem I can help with or should I be leaving you two alone?” Grams looks at me knowing Mrs. Adams opinion is often helpful.

Grams says, “Yes, we’re just in the talking stage but it would be good to have you in on this as well.”

Grams pauses hoping I will start. I say, “I don’t want to hurt feelings, I like it here. But I am tired of having to look around worrying someone else wants to attack me.” Grams and Ma Adams remain quiet. “I am thinking about living with my Grams and going to school at my cousin’s school next year.”

Grams quickly says, “Yes you can.” I know, however, there was a ‘but’ she wants to add.

Mrs. Adams says, “Yes, of course, you can. I would just encourage you to wait until after your prom. Dane and Rhonda will be graduating and you’ll begin looking at things like a senior.”

I say, “I can do that but how do you think that might change things?”

Ma Adams says, “You’re growing and maturing as a girl. The senior year is very important to girls. Beside your cousin Heather, most girls in your grade at Stronghold will probably be celebrating with the friends they already have and applying to colleges or whatever they’re doing next. Making new friends they won’t know long, well that won’t be high on their list.”

I hadn’t thought through things like that, but maybe just getting out from under things would need to be enough. Other students do it; like them, I have to do it.

Finally, I say, “Okay, I won’t decide anything now. I’ll wait until after the prom. I am however going to ask my guidance counselor and do what I can. I will even plan out what I’d be taking next year at both schools.”

Grams says, “You should also be thinking about college and what you’d like to do with your life.”

Monday my first appointment is with Dr. Anne Akers. I decide to dress a little more girly and see if she says anything. She does, “Elaine, it is good to see you. Is this a new look or is it just the first time you dressed like this in coming to see me?”

“I was hoping you would notice. I like dressing like this but I usually don’t. I’m afraid of offending someone. It is hard for someone others thought was a boy to dress like this?”

Dr. Anne says, “How do you see it as being hard?”

“When I first sought to be visible as Elaine, I wasn’t experienced with wearing my clothes and makeup. I was more likely to be seen as a boy in a dress. That is not who I am damn it!”

Anne asks, “Where did that anger come from Elaine? Please tell me more.”

“I’m sorry, but it’s hard at times. I try to be good for everyone but it’s hard. People think I should be used to people being mean or my mother doing spiteful things. Well, I’m now seventeen, and most girls my age don’t have the pressure of trying to be good even when feeling lousy.”

Anne asks, “Who told you, you had to please everyone and act like you’re doing well?”

“You’re going to tell me no one can do that. That it is my choice or something like that.” I sit back in the chair and kick up a leg to cross it, not worrying if it’s proper or not.

Anne doesn’t correct me or ask me to sit upright. Instead, she says, “I am glad to feel comfortable being yourself with me.”

I get angry, “I didn’t do it to feel comfortable. It’s stupid of a girl to sit like this, except to be defiant.” I move to sit casually up a little more, neither formal nor rebelliously.

I tell Dr. Akers of the weekend, the dress I wore and my time with Dane and friends. I was surprised when she told me she was there. “But, I didn’t see you there?”

“Elaine, I didn’t want to chance to put you in an awkward position. I saw your friend’s painting when you left it for the ceremony. I thought he’s both very talented and thoughtful. I also thought the girl on his arm was quite attractive and very poised for attending such an event like that.”

“Thank you, I appreciate you came and were sensitive. Was that what you text me about?” She indicated it was. I wanted to apologize as it was now obvious I hadn’t read it.

She asks, “How are you and your parents doing since your father is out of his program?”

My temper begins to come back, “I am really pissed with my Mom and others who try to hurt me. It hurts a lot more when my own Mother does it. You would think I’d get to the point of not caring. Did you hear she and her friends wanted to hurt me or ruin a prom-dress?” I begin to cry. When I try to stop myself I cry even harder.

Dr. Anne hands me a box of tissue. I catch myself thinking, ‘She thinks I’m going to cry like a girl.’ The thought is silly, ‘I am a girl.’ But I had bought into the notion being a girl was being weak. I half giggle and then relax and let myself cry. I smile at Dr. Akers and move to squat next to her and hope she doesn’t push me away. She stands instead and lets me hug her.

When I regained my composure it is near the end of my session. I apologize for wasting my time with her. She replied, “I thought it was a well spent time. But if you would want to talk more about it. You could ask the woman at the desk to reschedule you in for next week at my request.”

Grams and I get some lunch as I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Owens. Grams also approve my appointment with Dr. Akers for again next week.

I find myself more and more talking to Grams like she’s the mom I wish I had. She asks, “What did Dr. Akers think of your wanting to change schools and living with me full time?”

I begin to curse and catch myself, “Mom, Grams…” I want to cry but I just say, “We didn’t even get to that. I cried too much of the time. I think Dr. Akers thought my crying in front of her was good.”

Grams asks the obvious, “Well was it good that you cried and let it out?”

“I didn’t think so at first, but yes, it was good. I’m glad I cried, is that what you want me to say!” I tell Grams, “When I about called you Mom; I didn’t mean that you’re like her. You’re like the Mom I wish I had. Sometimes I wish you were my Mom. I get jealous at Rhonda and Jennifer that they have a good mom. You’d be surprised, but I’m not the only one who’s not blessed with good parents.”

“I use to make fun of kids like the Adams because they seemed to depend on their parents too much. I really was angry at them ‘cause I didn’t have parents like ‘em.”

Dr. Owens says, “You’re female hormone level is getting better. I can tell your own production of those hormones is stronger. If you want I will ask the court to approve blocking or even surgically remove the source of your testosterone production.”

“But I thought they wouldn’t approve anything like that at least until I’m eighteen or older?”

Dr. Patti says, “I think I can make a good case that it is a health issue not to make this change more permanent now…”

To be continued…

“Elaine!” Ma Adams was surprised when she went in Jennifer’s room to wake up her daughters and me, Elaine, was there. It has happened a few times that when I semi-awoke in the night to go pee that I went back into my sister’s room and not my room to sleep. Usually, I woke up early enough to scoot, back to my own room.

Jennifer put an arm around me saying, “It is okay Mom. She’s done it a few times, but she just sleeps. Maybe Rhonda should have her room back and Elaine should be my sister here.”

I look up to Ma Adams' smile, seeing she’s thinking, I say, “That would be okay with me, however, you want it. I’m sorry about this time. I don’t know I do it until I wake up.”

She says, “I’ll need to talk to their father about it. There is no doubt that you’re a girl and now you’re more like sisters. Everyone get up and get ready for school.”

I am slow at getting ready for school. I am finishing getting ready as Rhonda carries some of her clothes into the room and puts them on her desk. She says, “No offense, but I want to have my own room. Dad can say what he wants, I’m making my decision known.”

Rhonda asked, “Is it true that the judge might rule next week you can get that dangling thing, cut-off?”

“My court advocate said I shouldn’t get too excited. Something about the judge being pressured about me being returned home. They don’t think that’s likely, but it might stop the judge from allowing me to change more.”

I got frustrated brushing my hair as we talk and I throw down my brush. Rhonda picks it up and says, “Stand still.” She sprays my hair and has no problem in getting it to do what she wants. She gives me a kiss on the cheek. “I like being your big sister.”

On the way to school, Rhonda says, “You know Elaine when you go to lunch; you should take your tray up to the art room. Dane’s usually there working on whatever he’s doing. It would be good if someone could distract him now and then.”

We have enough time before the classes begin, I go to see my guidance counselor. Ms. Brooks thankfully is there and I get to see her. I ask about eating lunch up in the art room with Dane. We also agree to a meeting and talk about the next school year.

She comments, “Elaine by your appearance I can see you’re becoming the girl you see yourself to be. Teachers report that there are days or even changes within a day that indicates things are harder than one might suspect. You should be coming to me on those days, you need to talk things through.”

“I should be in my homeroom ready to go to class.”

She said, “I’ll get a message to you if it is okay to be up in the art room during lunch. And I want to see you here if you have study time.” I agree and I'm quick to my homeroom. If it is to talk about planning for next year, okay. If it is about what’s bothering me, I’m not so sure about talking with her.

Today I am happy to focus on my classes. I like Madi’s outfit and notice Karen and others are wearing more bright colors of spring. I talk with Jamal in history thanking him for his help at the track. The guys have a track meet at Jefferson after school. Finally, the class period before lunch, I get a note. Ms. Brooks says I can go to the art room for lunch, but I’m to remember Dane is working on an art project for the school’s art festival.

What others call mystery meat, is really Salisbury steak and tastes decent better than what we had at home.

Dane is surprised but happy when I follow him up into the art room. Mrs. Drake is there as well and reminds us, me. “There aren’t to be any PDA’s (personal displays of affection). Dane joked with her, “I should stop my doing art then. This is a public display of my love for art.”

Dane had told me little about what he was doing. It is similar to the painting in the museum but of trees and an outdoors scene. It is an outdoor landscape of trees, shrubs and a creek running through them. The bottom right is blighted with the creek turned dry, plants have no leaves. The trees have musical notes visible in the trunks, branches and some leaves. One leaf is caught in the air, half green and the other part shriveled and brown. The trunk of one tree has a thermometer. Another has the appearance of a billowing smokestack. One bush looks like a luscious bowl of fruit. The blighted area has hidden in it the outline of a little boy with an empty bowl.

I ask, “Which is happening? Do you see that desolate area as the future or is nature restoring itself?”

“It is your own perception,” Dane replies. “How do you see it?”

Mrs. Drake comes over to me as I’m nibbling on my food. She sets down three pictures in front of me. One is the formal school picture taken at the beginning of the school year. One from December when I returned to school as Elaine. The third picture was of me with Dane at the museum. She says, “Could you draw these three into one picture for me?”

I am not used to seeing myself and this is the first time I see different pictures of me from this year. I easily see me as the quarterback. I’m not a rugged football player, but I’m more masculine, though I knew I’m a girl. December’s picture shows me as Elaine, yet my features and how I carried myself that weren’t as soft or as feminine as I am now. It is like time captures me in my transformation to being me over time.

I wonder as I look at the third picture if I had lost some height. Even with heels, it is easy enough to see I appear shorter and more slender next to Dane. There is no way I can draw capturing what Ms. Drake is asking. She says, “What if I’d ask you to use makeup and do the faces.”

The idea is creative; maybe I could capture the skin tones or maybe my eyebrows and eyes. Bryce could have the black below his eyes to help to look downfield in the direction of the sun. It hits me dramatically as I sense Bryce going to the ground as he’s tackled. Times like that Elaine cries, wanting to be free as a girl. “Why don’t they realize they’re tackling a girl? I can’t let them see.”

After school, I’m among the girl track members rushing to the track area. We want to get there to see the boys’ team bus leave for their meet. Track teams don’t have cheerleaders, we try to be that for the guy’s team. Jefferson is only twenty miles away. We change quickly and get in our work out. Coach Purcells knows some girl hope to get to the meet to see the guys run most of their meet.

Coach has me warm up, then run a mile, later she has us spread around the track at one hundred meter marks. We are not only to practice passing the relay baton, but we are also each to sprint our hundred-meter run. We’re not to do it once but four times as we work our way around the track. Tiffany makes it all the way around only to hear the coach say, “One more time around.” The coach doesn’t even watch us this time, but someone yelled when a runner let up. Ms. Purcells works with other runners, the high jumpers and the long jumpers. Each is concentrating on different parts of what they do.

Coach Purcells tells us at the end of practice: “While you can work to improve your running distances. That is your strength for most of you. But the last kick to finish a race is an area most of you can improve more. Whether you are trying to keep your lead or gain on the runner in front of you the last hundred meters can determine how you place in a race. Hopefully, it is not only important to your placing but the score of the team. If we can gain five more points that means some other team is also losing points.”

Kayla, a senior and our fastest runner in the 400 hundred meter run says. “Okay, let’s do it twice more at two hundred meters each before we cool down and call it a day.” We all know Kayla is wanting to get to the track meet and see her boyfriend Jeff run. We decide to do it and make it a fun time, as much fun as two more runs can be fun at the end of practice.

Tiffany teases, “Okay, we’re to do it with smiles on our faces. So the girl you pass will be upset when you look happy or energetic about it.”

I’m heading for the lockers to pick up my clothes, I already have my warm-up clothes back on. I’ll go home to shower and change, most of the girls do. Boys don’t mind community showers as much. Before I go home Coach Purcells tells me, “Tomorrow you’ll be our runner the third leg in the relay and Tiffany will be our last and fastest runner. Possibly, you’ll both be running behind one or two lead runners. You need to make up as much of that time and distance as possible. If Tiffany is less than three seconds behind when she begins her run. She’ll have a good chance to win the event going away.”

She asks me again, “What will you need to do accomplish that?”

I say, “Coming out of my last turn, I’ll be running hard to go ahead of the lead runner.”

She asks, “Do you believe you can do that?”

I say, “It’s the easiest way to know I’m under three seconds behind her.”

Tomorrow will be hard for me as I will be competing in the girls’ track meet at Jefferson. I haven’t yet run the 800-meter dash and 800-relay both in a track meet. Receiving and passing on the baton adds to the difficulty of the race. If any of us drop it; it ruins the relay for the others as well. I hope no one will be flying even a friendly drone in the area.

That will also the day before my court appearance. I hope I am not to distracted.

My day is not done when Rhonda and I get back to our house. Rhonda wants the beds changed and enough clothes moved so she can sleep again in her room. Jennifer’s closet is big, but not so big with two of us sharing it. Jennifer is happy to have me in her room. Ten-thirty, we continue talking, though her mom wants us sleeping.

It is a nice change for me to be talking to Jennifer as my sister. I do miss Sara and I hadn’t talked to her today. However nice a day is there is always something missing in it. ‘The Adams are a neat family, but I have a real sister that I love. My parents well enough had already been said.’

Rhonda was in our bedroom early in the morning. She gets an outfit out for me to wear. It is a bright and a pretty spring outfit; I don’t know a girl my age who likes someone else choosing what they’re wearing. I guess I did in December and January, but I usually asked. I confront Rhonda and she says, “You need to cheer up and if you have something better go for it. Otherwise, amuse me and wear what I have out.”

The skirt is berry red both nice and short, the top has a spring print. It barely reaches my skirt. When I sit, bend or stretch some area of me will be showing. I am comfortable for the first time that I have a figure that can look good.

We go to breakfast and I can tell Dad Adams was surprised by what I’m wearing. Rhonda and Jennifer both like the look for themselves. Them looking like this is not new to him. He looks to his wife hoping she’ll say something. Mom simply says, “All three of you look like spring fever has hit.” Dad mumbles his agreement.

The school’s pep club has the emblem of track shoes on each of our lockers. Dane and Jamal have written good luck on mine. There is a carnation at each locker and a corsage of baby roses at mine from Dane. Karen helps me to get the corsage on.

Today at lunch time I need to eat carbohydrates and the school is serving spaghetti. None of the girls is wanting to add weight. The truth is if we’re running two or more events we’ll easily burn it off.

On our way to the meet, I ask the coach if I can include the broad jump as part of my warm-up for running. We presently have two jumpers with a chance to place. Officials often allow other jumpers if time permits, one prerequisite is that you be an underclass student. Jenny Dean will be our third jumper and I will be the extra.

My first jump was over 16’ which would have been fairly good, but I fell backward and my jump measured under 15’. On my second jump, I started a toe over the mark and it was discarded. It might look awkward but on my third jump I imagined jumping over a down lineman and it’s like I’m running when I hit the sand. My jump was 16’ 7.5”. Since four schools were involved in the meet my fifth place finish counts.

Today I run my heart out in the 800-meter race and with a sprint the last 100 meters I passed two runners for a third-place finish. Coach Purcells was beside herself. I am down to 124 pounds. I drink part of a power drink to gain back a little of what I lost.

Jamal has come and further behind him is Dane. The meet is nearing its end and we are in a virtual tie. When the meet was set up, Coach thought we’d be competing for second place. Jefferson’s a good athletic school. But it is not used to competition at its own track invitational. It has won all of its girl track invitationals for the past seven years. Part is done by inviting weaker teams. It was a moniker that often fitted our program. But Coach Purcells has brought a new spirit to our team. This is her third year as our coach.

The first call is out for the 800-meter relay. Spooked, I look to the sky and then to Jamal. He for one knew I’d be nervous. He walks with us four girls to the marks. I complimented him on a first in the 200-meter and a second in the 400-meter yesterday. I heard the second was a controversial call that went to the Jefferson runner.

Jamal’s reply to my compliment was, “I’ll leave no doubt at the District meet.” It is early in the season to look that far ahead. Jamal says it, meaning he’d wait and not carry the hurt into other meets. Jamal is down and rubbing my legs. He had done so on the sidelines of football games when I was hurting. Now even as a girl, he seeks to be one of my better friends. Madi was kept out of competition until now. We would have one pair of fresh legs to start us off in the relay.

Madi has had trouble so far in receiving the baton and holding it. This would allow her to only have to hand it off. Steph Wolf will run the second leg of the race. Madi had run well but she brought us in as the third team in making the exchange. Steph is a long distance runner and runs each race at the same speed. She neither lost nor gained on the opponent in front of her, but she had lost ground to the lead runner from Jefferson.

The Jefferson runners with trouble in exchanging the baton were still nine seconds ahead of me, as I receive the baton from Steph. I felt good and I have lengthened my stride for the relay. After the first stretch, I was passing the next runner but I was in the second lane as we went around the curve. I stayed out because I did not know when I pass Southfield’s runner if I had enough of a lead to come back in. I was four seconds behind Bonita from Jefferson as we finish the first of the two laps. Bonita is surprised in hearing our coach counting the four seconds between us. My stride has shrunk a little but my pace is good. I choose to run right behind her as we hit the last turn. Coming out of the turn I go into my kick and step around her. Bonita is not a quitter, she hangs in there but I am now two strides ahead as we approach Kayla and their runner. Bonita stutter steps in trying for a smooth exchange. Kayla does well in timing me and she is in the lead from the very beginning. Apart from something going wrong, Kayla should and does widen the lead over the last two laps. We won’t break any record but it is the fastest time for the 800-relay this early in the district. We win the meet and it is extra sweet to take the trophy for the Jefferson Invitation.

I jump into Jamal’s arms as we win, but I quickly feel bad that it is not Dane. Dane in outside the track area along the fence. I find Rhonda and give her a hug; she won her races the hundred and two hundred as well as the two hundred relay. They were disqualified in the 100-meter relay as they lost the baton and stepped outside their lane on the first hand-off.

The sun was going down and it was getting even cooler as I get my warm-up outfit back on. We stopped at the edge of Jefferson to get something at McDonald’s. I’m ravenous and the salad only calms my hunger. Once back on the bus, I grab a nutritional shake to drink as we head back. It is my first bus trip coming back with a bunch of girls who have won something. The bus is not completely clean, but more messy than dirty. It is not disgusting like a guy’s bus often gets.

The bus does rock a bit but that is from girls dancing and bumping hips in the aisle, instead of guys jumping all over and hanging out windows. I get a text from Staci. It is the first in a while, she heard we won. “Congratulations Elaine, I wish I was there to give you a big hug,” I tell her how I won a medallion for the long jump. She can remember the play I envisioned where I jumped over the player. “They didn’t know how imaginative you are a girl.”

I realized I was also responsible for dropping our friendship because of how her parents see me. We do miss the other as a best friend. “Staci, we need to get back to being great friends again.”

She says, “Maybe we can find a time to go shopping. I’d like to find out what you enjoy doing now?”

Rhonda looks over my shoulder to see who I’m chatting with. “Ask her for me, if she’s coming with me tomorrow?”

Staci messages us back, “Yes, by I thought it was a secret.”

Unknown to me, Rhonda is also sending a text to her. I ask Rhonda, “What are you doing with Staci?”

She says, “Don’t worry about it, it is between us!” I look back to my text and Staci’s gone. I’m upset as my smartphone lost the connection.

We’re back to school, and we rush out to ring the old school bell. It is a tradition for winning teams at the school. One that the girl’s track team rarely gets to participate in. Our own invitational meet is still three weeks away. Though there will be five other teams, we’re now hoping we can win that.

Once we’re home, Rhonda says, “Mom, we were expecting, we could ride home with you and not on the bus?”

Mrs. Adams says, “Your sister reminded me Rhonda; if I brought you home you’d neither get to enjoy your victory ride nor get to ring the bell.” “If you don’t have your homework finished, you need to get up to your rooms and do it.”

Ma Adams turns to me, “Please get out the clothes you plan to wear to court tomorrow. I will be up in a little while and I want to see it. I’m willing to iron or use a steamer to get unwanted wrinkles out.”

I’m not really worried about making a good impression, but I say thanks as I know I should be.

I’ve read ten pages of American history before Ma gets to me. She compliments my choice of outfits and she asks if it is okay to steam the wrinkles out. She’ll then use an iron lightly to get the outfit to look special. I can’t help but giggle at Mom’s need to be meticulous with my clothes.

Growing up with my Mom, I never saw the need to do this, because it wasn’t going to happen. A couple of times I tried ironing things at home, my mom always threw on more of her own clothes or dad’s work shirts. That stopped that.

I had heard Ma taking time with Rhonda: I was pleased she did the same with me. It was like I was her daughter. I asked Mom, “Mom do you think it would be possible if Staci and I went to the mall on Sunday to shop and look around?”

Once Mom was gone, I need to break from my studies and shower. I can no longer stand myself when I need a shower. Plus I am so worn out from the track me. I’m happy I did it, but it was exhausting, I need to be in better shape.

The shower leaves me relaxed and getting sleepy. I go to eat a loaded salad and a small ice cream with chocolate sauce. I’m back to take care of my skin and hair. Changing into my teddy bear pajamas, I am soon frowning as I feel fat because of how snug they fit. Rhonda is in the room and she and Jenn giggle at me. I don’t think it is funny until they hold up my teddy bear PJs. The laughter attracted Dad which embarrasses me and that attracts Mom.

I would have swiftly changed out of them, but not with dad and mom there.

No sooner did my head hit the pillow and I’m waking up fully rested in the morning. Mr. Adams would be driving me to the Stronghold Court House where I’m to meet Grams and Marie Tull my Court Advocate. Before we left, Rhonda spoke to me in a way that caught my heart. It was like she was speaking to the image inside of me. It caused me to connect with that part of Bryce that has longed to see me being a girl. It was like I was in denial about how much that wiggly flesh interferes with me being me. I hugged Rhonda saying, “I really wish you could be with me.”

Rhonda has a cameo pendant that she begins put around my neck and tuck into my blouse. Grabbing to see the picture, I see her smiling face in it. I am now the one tucking it under my blouse but not my bra. Rhonda says, “I’ll be with you. Just look out into the courtroom and you’ll feel how treasured you are.” I close my eyes and picture Rhonda.

Riding in the car I turn to Dad, Darren Adams; “Mister Adams, can I ask you a silly question? …Do you see me as a girl or a boy trying to become a girl?”

He slows down as I know he’s thinking. “It’s not so silly. I know you’re a girl. But you’re also becoming a girl; I know today is important for you for that reason.”

Dad drives me up to the courthouse, I lean over and give him a hug. He gives me a kiss on the cheek as he does with Rhonda and Jennifer. “Thanks, Dad, I needed that.”

When I got out and stepped toward the courthouse, I heard Mr. Adams drive away. I turned and he was gone and as I stepped forward I felt so alone. I was a few steps from the first of two double doors. I looked in as I reached for a handle and I saw the smiling face of Marie Tull, my court assistant. I could hear her say welcome as I was opening the door and my fears began to wash away. “Come on with me Elaine, I have a private consult room for us. I am excited for you. I know you have been through a lot and had another scare with your Mom. How are you feeling today?”

I paused to reflect, I feel like my emotions are swaying with whatever breeze hits me. My body feels a little off, but my spirits are lifted once again. The mention of my Mom reminds me, I will see her in court. But she’s still in jail; what if she’s not allowed to come?

“Hi Ms. Tull, I am happy to see you again. Do you have any good news for me?”

Her eyes glow brightly, “I like the doctors’ report. They make a very good case for your life and body moving on.”

I say, “But I’ll still have to wait until I’m eighteen before they’ll let me do anything.”

Marie says, “They make a very good case that you’re already are and have been a female. They say it is a psychological and physical necessity that you are allowed to be yourself. That you are in the midst of your puberty and that any boy like features will probably be damaging.”

I say, “But won’t they think that is just a ploy by the doctors to allow them to help me? The court has only allowed me to live with my grandma and go to my school, living with the Adams. The only real change is I’m smaller, over ten pounds lighter.”

There is a mirror in the room; Marie asks me to look in the mirror. “Go ahead and tell me weight and height are the only things that change since early November?”

“I know, I look and feel more like I’m a girl. But that is not legal proof is it?”

Ms. Tull places a file that has grown in front of her. “These medical and psychological reports are substantiated by your physical presence in the courtroom. …The tough part is that your parents’ lawyer is more competent than the one they began with.” Her face takes on another look, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he moves for a continuance and tries to put delay after delay in our way.”

My heart sinks as I knew there would be a ‘but’ for why it shouldn’t happen. Grams knocks on the door and Marie welcomes her in, “I am glad you’re here. I think your granddaughter could use someone to be here with her.”

Grams begins to speak, stops and then says, “Yes, I should have been here earlier. It is too bad family and friends couldn’t be here.” I guess that means Heather and my Aunt won’t be here like I hoped. We go over the information and time passes slowly.

We wait until ten minutes before ten to enter the courtroom. I am surprised to see Dr. Akers enter and sit in the back. Mom and Dad come in with their lawyer and the people from the Department of Human Services and their lawyer are at a third table. The people from Human Services don’t smile when they looked over to us. The person at the front of the court says, “Rise for the Honorable Judge Clayton Hewitt.” Finally another person I’m happy to see.

Someone must have entered the back of the courtroom as I felt a breeze like a door opened. I hadn’t heard the door, so I didn’t look. Ms. Tull says, “Are they friends of yours?” I turn to see Mom Adams and Rhonda, Jennifer, even Staci and Karen are all here. They know, I am surprised and overly joyful to see them.

The Bailiff swears in everyone at the three tables and the Judge mentions responding to the letters of recommendation and reports of Dr. Owens and Dr. Akers. Mr. Cameron, my parents’ lawyer stands. “Your Honor, is the State is saying they are Elaine Royce’s parents and take on all the financial responsibilities for her? Mr. and Mrs. Royce only have a daughter Sarah and a son Bryce for whom they are responsible.”

Judge Hewitt gives one bang of his gavel. “This Court has already recognized the person you are calling a Bryce is Elaine Royce. The court session between that and this meeting affirmed that identity. The reports being received today go steps further stating she is indeed female and needs medical attention as such. The issue today is whether anyone challenges these findings and whether or not the court will accept these reports acknowledging that a medical necessity needs to be acted upon.”

Judge Hewitt addresses me, “Elaine do you understand these statements and that your Doctor, Psychologist and a Board of Physicians who have met with you and reviewed your case?”

I say, “I can’t say I understand all their terms and that, but I agree that I am and probably always have been a girl. I don’t like where my body makes me look like I’m a boy. I wasn’t told about me when I was younger.” I grimace as it feels uncomfortable like I am needing to go to the bathroom, but it feels different.

“Ms. Tull is your client alright?” I’m embarrassed, ‘I’d feel like a little girl if I have to say I need to use the women’s room.’

Marie says, “If we need to take a break we can, if not, I’d like to hear more of what the judge is saying.”

“Me too, I’m uncomfortable but I am sure I can wait.” I indicate we can proceed.

Judge Hewitt asks, “Elaine do you see the recommendation as a medical necessity?”

“I am being punished because I wasn’t recognized to be a girl. I understand that happens. Because my Dad still wanted a boy, I was not allowed to be me. It would have been seen as corrective surgery. Others were being allowed to see me as a girl being a freak; it leaves me in danger of attacks.”

“Every time I’m separated out, I am put in danger of others judgment. Is the stress killing me? Probably not. Does it harm me and do irreparable damage? Consider a girl age seventeen being held captive in a twelve-year-old’s body. I am already separated from my sister because she’s not supposed to accept me as her sister. That is not right. We see each other and we love each other.”

I sit down hoping the Judge will move on to someone else. Judge Hewitt turns to the people from the Department of Human Services. Judy Harms speaks up, “Our records have him listed as Bryce. This and most states I know don’t approve someone who is transgendered to undergo reassignment surgery until they are eighteen and fully evaluated. Come eighteen they are out of our responsibility. Truthfully, we don’t want the expense of her operations.”

Judge Hewitt says, “It is my understanding as early as when Elaine was thirteen your caseworker admitted she should have the right to see herself as Elaine and allowed to live as a girl. Where in your records does your department cite your caseworker as being wrong?”

“Our Department never approved that she was a girl.”

Judge Hewitt says, “It is my understanding of your records that Psychologist, Dr. Akers was approved and paid for by your department to receive Elaine as a client.” Judy acknowledges that to be true. “Within the first six months, she met with Elaine many times and gave her a battery of tests. What was her finding?”

Judy says, “Dr. Anne Akers found her to be a girl and should be allowed to live as a girl. Her parents did not accept that, but we allowed the Psychologist to continue to be Bryce’s counselor. We believe that has worked well for Elaine, but we never officially recognized her as a girl nor approved reassignment surgery. She now has less than a year before she is eighteen at which time she can request and be granted needed procedures if medically founded to be needed.”

Judge Hewitt seems a little upset. “If you acknowledge her body is androgynous, but that she is a girl otherwise. What merits are there not to allow corrective surgery?”

Judy Harms says emphatically, “Our department has not approved her to be recognized as a girl. That’s that, the state has given us the authority to determine that and you have my, our position on it?”

“Respectfully,” Hewitt says, “The state has given me the responsibility to review such cases. You have had four years to indicate that the caseworker on record and the Psychologist on record are in error that Elaine is a girl. If she is a female girl; is not the surgery corrective in nature, instead of gender reassignment? ”

Their lawyer rises, “What I hear. The Department says is that to allow approval of these recommendations to stand would be against what the Department is wanting. It would be writing new law from the bench.”

“I have not yet ruled, but if I would rule to approve the recommendation. I do not see anything written in Human Services reports to conflict with the finding of the original caseworker of Dr. Akers that saw Bryce as being a girl. If you have medical justification saying otherwise I do suggest you present it.”

He says, “There are indications that abuse was taking place, you knew it and you failed to protect your client from both physical and psychological abuse.”

Judge Hewitt turns to my parents. “I am ready to call a recess for lunch. And I understand your question Mr. Cameron about financial responsibility in light of your denial that Elaine is a female and a young woman. I want you to consider at this time if the Royces want to keep the legal rights and responsibility of being her parents.”

“I declare this court to be at recess until 2:00 pm.”

Once recess begins and Ms. Tull and Elaine step outside the courtroom. Elaine is swamped with hugs and greetings. The other girls walk with Elaine to the women’s room. Once Elaine is in the toilet stall and sitting down. There is a scream…

To be continued…

Going pee was Elaine was nothing to scream about; the pee came easy enough, but the pressure was still there. It was when she wiped herself and was ready to pull up her panty. She saw spots of blood on her panty shield. Previously used only to catch drips of pee and hide her extra skin.

The other women in the women’s restroom were duly concerned for her; asking what was wrong.

Beth, a matron of the court, seemingly was there to make sure Elaine was safe. She now spoke to Elaine with caring that was not there before. “Elaine, what is your problem dear?” Elaine had screamed the one time, but she’s still crying; it was that of someone scared. She’s also embarrassed that she has drawn attention to herself.

Dr. Akers and Rhonda are two of the voices she recognizes and responds to. Dr. Anne says, “Elaine we’re here for you. What’s scaring you?”

“I can’t talk to everyone. I’m ready to come out but I think I need Dr. Owens. Is she coming this afternoon?” Dr. Anne waits, encouraging others to leave. I say, “Rhonda or Mom Adams or Grams can stay if they’re here.”

Dr. Anne says, “Rhonda’s stayed in and your Grandma is here as well.” Grams asks if I’m alright. “I still feel the pressure, peeing only helped a little. But I have drops on my shield and my pee was discolored.”

I can hear Dr. Akers ask, “Rhonda, go see if there is a nurse or a medical person here.”

I come out of the toilet stall and go to wash. I grab a tissue to moisten it and clean my face. Anne asks more questions, but soon a nurse comes in. She’s a nurse but doesn’t look like one. She’s here for another trial also on lunch recess. “I shouldn’t be doing anything, I’m sorry but that’s how it is.”

Rhonda says, “But you came in, you’re not insensitive. Can you at least hear what her problem is and tell us if it might be serious?”

The nurse says, “My name is Angie Johnson. What’s the problem, were you attacked?”

“It’s not like that. I felt pressure down here while I was in court. I came in here to use the toilet, but the pressure’s still there. And I noticed blood on my panty shield.”

The nurse says, “You’re too old for this to be new to you. So what scared you about this time?” Rhonda begins to answer for me, but I speak up.

“It would be my first time, but I’m not supposed to do this. I’m androgynous, my plumbing isn’t like that.”

Angie asks, “Can you sit back? I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, but can I lift your skirt?” I helped to pull it back and spread my legs. It’s embarrassing but I knew she would ask. “Can you point where you still feel the pressure?”

I say, “It’s behind where I pee.” I point to an area. It’s higher up in my mind yet kind of like behind where I pee. Angie touches me and when I agree that is kind of the area. She presses on and the second press I scream again. She touches down and to the side and it too is very sensitive.

Nurse Angie says, “I won’t say what I think other than she should go to her doctor or the emergency room, now.” The court matron speaks up, “I don’t suggest that until she has the Judge’s approval.”

Dr. Akers asks, “You’re saying it’s dangerous but we should wait.”

Angie shakes her head, “The pain is going to build, she might not be in immediate danger, but I don’t know.” Angie takes my hand, “Be very careful I feel for you. If you wait, take some aspirin to cut the pain, but don’t wait too long. I’d say within two hours you should have a doctor checking you out.”

Grams has two stronger aspirin. The Matron has already gone to tell the Judge. People were called back to the courthouse. My Dad’s sympathetic and asks how I am. Mom is skeptical saying, “Is this a ploy to get the court’s sympathy? How convenient that it waited to happen when we’re in court. Do you have an explanation for that?”

Nurse Angie is fifteen feet away, “Stress, the stress of the court could easily do that.”

Mom looks toward her, “If she butting into our business; she should keep her nose out of it!”

Grams is ready to speak, but Mrs. Adams holds her. She says, “That woman was a help and more of a mother than we can say for some people.” Tempers are flaring as we’re called back into the courtroom. Marie Tull has come to escort me in, saying, “Please don’t get started in that argument.”

Mr. Cameron does his best with her, my mother, and then insists my mother become calm and keep quiet. “If you don’t, for our sake, I will ask you to go out of the courtroom.” Mom is not calm, but she becomes quiet.

Judy the director of Human Services says, “We have a medic or physician’s assistant coming to check the boy.” I grit my teeth and growl a little. I turn back to Rhonda and Jennifer to see if I amused them.

It is fifteen minutes early when we are asked to rise for the Honorable Judge Hewitt. “Miss Royce, it is my understanding that your problem was not fully relieved by a toilet break. Is that true?”

I say, “That’s true, and it still hurts. Now my stomach might growl because I didn’t eat.”

Mom says aloud, “No real girl minds missing a meal. That’s more like you’re a boy.”

Judge Hewitt says, “I do not remember asking you. Please wait until something is asked of you.”

He says, “I hear a nurse checked on you. What did she say is wrong?”

I turn to Mrs. Tull, my Advocate. She asks me to answer the Judge. I say, “She said she can’t say. That it would be up to a doctor to decide. She only said I needed to get to my doctor soon. I think my doctor has been told I will be soon coming to her or the emergency room after being here.”

Judge Hewitt says, “I’ve already talked to each of your lawyers. I am calling a recess until next Tuesday morning. I am granting permission to medical people to do what is medically necessary and in the interest of Elaine Royce’s current health situation. They are not to act otherwise or to determine other issues before this court.”

“I have heard objections and they are duly noted. I will have one of my assistants' shadow Elaine for the needed medical crisis after we dismiss. She will have this Judge’s ear if it is needed. We will not endanger Elaine’s life or health.”

He pauses and then strikes his gavel. “We will be in recess until next week.” My Dad wants to ask something but doesn’t.

Ma Adams and Grams are quickly next to me. “Do you feel able to ride to the doctor, or should we call an ambulance to take you to the emergency room?”

The pressure is there but the pain is no worse. We do have a problem that Grams is the one who has the room in her car to help transport me. But she wants Ma Adams or Aunt Kendra to ride along. In my aunt’s case, they would have to leave their car on the street at risk of a ticket or taken away. Ma Adams drove and she’d rather not have Rhonda driving her vehicle filled with Jennifer and friends.

Ma Adams decides to ride with Grams watching me. Aunt Kendra is taking Heather, Rhonda and the others to a nearby restaurant. Hoping to hear while they’re there; if I’m going to the hospital or allowed to go home to Grams.

I was quickly taken back at the Medical Clinic Dr. Owens works at and then to an exam room. Lisa, her Physician’s Assistant saw me shortly after I put on one of their garments. A portable scale says my weight is up a few pounds. She asks about what appears to be a bruise near my growth of extra skin. I hadn’t seen it before nor did the nurse at the courthouse mention it. Lisa looks closer and then leaves the exam room without saying anything.

Dr. Patricia Owens is soon back with her. I heard Dr. Owens say they would need to wait in the patient area. She has me lay back on the examining table. She is her pleasant enough self, but serious about something. She asks me plenty of questions. Enough questions that I’ve now lost track of what she or others have asked.

She asks Lisa to bring Grams back to be with me. The pressure and pain are once again building.

“Elaine and Mrs. Newton, there is a pool of blood that is collecting in Elaine’s body. Until we get a good scan and I have a consult I can only speculate what your problem might be. It has changed from what a nurse observed barely an hour ago. I do not think that is good.”

“We are ordering an emergency scan promptly and having you, Elaine, taken next door to the hospital to have it taken. We will go from there. I am sorry I am not saying more. I have a call for two specialists to be there to give us the benefit of their expertise.”

“Do either of you have a question? I cannot promise an answer.”

Grams asks, “Is she in danger of having something bursting inside of her?”

I am growing scared, but I’m trying not to be frightened. A gurney has been brought from the hospital. I am to be taken to the hospital lying on it. We get to the elevator and they press for C for an underground corridor to the hospital. Once we’re in the hospital I was pushed up a ramp to level B. There are a C-scan and people are waiting to receive me.

It is not comfortable to lay still for the scan, even now the pressure seems to be building. It is a half hour after the scan that Dr. Owens and another women doctor come to see me. I have been admitted and in room 3221 in the OB/GYN department. I would laugh if I didn’t think it would increase my discomfort.

Dr. Dulcina Govina introduces herself asking me to call her Dr. Dulcia. She apologizes for only being thirty-four and that another surgeon is in surgery. Dr. Patti interrupts saying, “Elaine, she is very humble; but she is the doctor I want on your case. Do you trust me on this?”

I exhale in relief, “I am thankful you said that. You know that I trust you. But will you start with my problem and then why surgery?”

Dr. Dulcia, “You already know your extra tissue has a urethra and that you can properly urinate. What it didn’t appear to have is testes and the plumbing to have sex. Because you were always treated as a boy; like I’ve been told, your parents insisted. Until today it never became evident that you might have a vagina and other parts of a woman’s reproductive system.

“When a maturing woman’s system becomes active there is a discharge of blood this is called menstruation.”

“I know that. I’ve dreamed it would happen. But no one told me the first time would be like this. I didn’t even think it would happen.”

“I’m sorry Elaine,” says Dr. Owens. “Somehow I missed seeing it.”

Dr. Dulcia says, “That was because it isn’t showing itself. We need to surgically go into you to drain off the blood that is pressing to come out. You have a fever of 100.4 hopefully at its early stage. We do not want it discharged inside your body. We also hope we can find a vagina and other organs.

“Can’t you just do something to allow my body to absorb the blood or whatever it is safe?”

Dr. Dulcia checks me using a magnifying lens attached around her forehead to find a possible opening for a vagina. She may have found it or an indication of something. But she is alarmed and I am quickly taken to surgery. It is after 4:00 pm.

I moan and Grams tells someone I’m awake. Grams said that was after 10:00 and I was awake about a half hour before I fell asleep again. I think I was awakened during the night. It is 6:30 in the morning when I awake for good.

But it isn’t good, I’m feeling nauseated and I hurt. Dr. Dulcia is the first that I remember seeing. She says, “The good news is your extra tissue has been removed and your vagina had begun to form but it had not opened. We have created an opening, but another surgery will be needed.”

“You sad, the good news… What is the bad news?”

She says, “The lining of your vagina and uterus that was already formed is inflamed, we’re fighting an infection and blood poisoning as it had ruptured inside of you.”

I say, “But I’m out of trouble. How long will it take to clear up?”

Dr. Owens and Grams have entered the room as Dr. Govina says, “You are being watched very closely and getting our best care. But you are not yet out of danger. We do not plan to lose you.”

Grams has my hand, saying, “You’re going to be okay.” I hear her saying she loves me, but I’m being sedated.” The sleep is restless, though my body doesn’t show it. I feel my mother is near. My breathing is being controlled and there is a hot light that’s shining in my face. I hear Grams voice but can’t feel her hand holding mine.

I begin to awaken, nurses/doctors asking questions; I don’t get a chance to ask mine. Sleep like a dark cloud rolls over me again.

Grams: “Dr. Owens why did her surgery take so long?”

Dr. Owens says, “Dr. Dulcia was able to accomplish all we hoped for and more. There are however complications. The area was inflamed with infection. Elaine is being heavily sedated and treated with a strong regiment of antibiotics.”

Grams asks, “How long before I can see her?”

“It will be well after 10:00 pm., you should go home and get some sleep. You can see her in the morning.” Dr. Dulcia has chosen to sleep at the hospital as things are still critical. She is visiting with an infection control specialist.

Grams says, “There is no way I’m going home. I need to be beside her. I’m responsible for Elaine.” It is after 9:00 and Mr. Adams had already picked up Jennifer as well as Staci and Karen. Grandma Newton encourages Mrs. Adams, “You and Rhonda should be going home.” Realizing they are not going yet, she suggests, “Maybe you should consider staying at my house when you leave here tonight.”

Only Grams is allowed in to visit Elaine at 10:20 and just for ten minutes. Tubes in Elaine’s arm and nose, wires hooked to monitors. They’re all foreign to what should be a healthy teenager.

Grandma Newton is at conflict, she’s trying to be strong as Elaine’s eyes open. But she’s frightened for her granddaughter’s life. Her Elaine’s temperature is holding near 102. It is near midnight and Grandma was in the waiting room. A nurse stirs her saying, “There is a recliner in her room. It is not meant to encourage anyone to stay, but it is better than here. Please do not disturb doctors or nurses checking on her throughout the night.”

Grams was thankful, though at 3:00 it becomes even more disturbing. Lisa, Dr. Owens’ Physician’s Assistant had stayed at the hospital. She and Dr. Dulcina have been called to my room. The Head nurse says, “She has grown more restless and she’s sweating profusely.”

Dr. Dulcina says, “We need to keep her hydrated, but she also needs for the fluid to have some nutritional value and minerals.” She writes new orders authorizing what she wants. She turns to Grandma Newton, “Your Granddaughter appears to be strong, but this is hitting her terribly hard. The sweating might be an indication that the fever is ready to break. But if it does not; it means she is in more jeopardy. You might want to be calling people.”

Grams asks, “Can I call her real mother and father?”

The judge’s assistant went home at 10 pm. Dr. Dulcina says, “My understanding as Elaine’s Guardian, you are free to make that decision. There should also be support here for you.”

“I will be awake the rest of the night. I do have a surgery scheduled for 7:00 am. I will tweak one antibiotic, her system should be able to stand that.”

Grams stayed as they want Elaine to be conscious enough to respond to questions if possible. Grams was upset they wouldn’t let her touch Elaine. She just wanted to hold or touch her in some way.

Come 6:30 in the morning, Elaine’s temp is down under one hundred degrees. Dr. Owens is there, but unwilling to say Elaine is out of trouble.

I am surprised to see my Dad as I wake up; I’m wondering if I’m imagining things. Dad says, “Your Mom and I are both worried about you.”

I try to speak but can’t, I see tubes coming out of me. Grams says, “Don’t try to speak, you can’t do that right now.”

Dad is near weeping when he says, “I’m so sorry, I doubted you and put you at risk.” I stared, wondering about my Mom. I don’t think she’d say the same. It would be nice but Dad’s different since his treatment. Finally, he knows what I’m waiting for, “No, your Mother is home awaiting my call. I’m sure she’ll be relieved.” We both know he’s lying about that.

I turn my head and Grams is on the other side of the bed, I already felt her hand and knew she’s there. I cry a little but catch myself.

Grams leans down to hug me, “Dear you were terribly sick. Hopefully, the doctors will be able to take the tubes out and you can speak later.”

Dr. Owens comes in smiling, “I am glad to see you’re awake Elaine. Your temperature is near normal. When Dr. Dulcia gets finished her work this morning, we’ll talk and decide if the tubes can come out. There is a pad and a pencil if you need to say anything.”

I write, “Did I just get out of surgery?” I don’t know if it is seven thirty the previous night or the next morning. Dr. Owens isn’t very surprised, not like my father or Grams.

“You were out of surgery around 9:00 o’clock last night. It is 7:39 Wednesday morning. How do you feel now?”

I write, “Sore. Weak… Can I go to the bathroom, I need to use the toilet.”

Dr. Patti Owens smiles, “You have a tube in your bladder. You can go any time you need to.” She asks, “Do you remember getting sick when you were at the courthouse yesterday?”

I write, “I felt sick, but I didn’t think I puked or anything. I thought I went to surgery because another doctor said it was needed. I had bled a little and hurt, but I didn’t think I was that sick.”

Dr. Owens, “You did very well for how you were doing, but you had a temp and it was rising. A C-scan showed you had blood caught in your groin. By the time we were able to get you to surgery, you had a fever and blood was already seeping into your body. That had to be stopped.”

“Dr. Govina realized you had the beginning of a vagina but it was not complete and had never opened. If we did not help you quickly, you would likely die. Dr. Govina actually thought you might die. Even once around 3:00 this morning she thought she might be losing you if your fever didn’t break. But it did and you are getting better.”

It was 10:30 this morning before Dr. Govina was out of surgery and free to come to see me. “Well young woman, you gave me quite a scare. I’ve already received a request from a judge Hewitt to justify what we’ve done. He says he’s not being critical as much as he wants it documented.”

I just got off the phone with his office and told them you were a girl. If things weren’t connected you would probably be dead by now. Things were much closer than they should have been. Your being androgynous covered what we needed to see.”

“I am guessing some things had been forming for years and other things were activated with suppression of testosterone and what your female organs were able to produce without its interference.”

I want to ask questions, the doctors and nurses excuse others from my room; before they pull out my tubes going down my throat. There are pain and discomfort, Dr. Patti says it will be a couple of hours before I won’t mind talking. I do talk some but it is painful, I will wait before talking a lot. A strong spray that is used in my throat. It deadens the pain and coats my throat.

I missed seeing Rhonda, Jennifer, Staci, and Karen; they had gone home to change and then to school. They were scared as they still weren’t sure I was okay.

Dad came back to the hospital after his work. He didn’t know if I would let him visit with me. It was not an automatic yes. I still have a lot of anger in me. The latest thing is I could have died yesterday.

The first time I get to stand up, I close the door to my room and walk to a mirror. I untie my gown and let it fall to the floor. I am disappointed as the bandage blocks me from seeing how I look. The nurse says it wouldn’t be pretty anyway.

I ask, “Would it be possible to remove the bandage anyway?”

She asks me, “Pease lean against the bed and know it will be a little uncomfortable. I already warned you it won’t be pretty.”

I thanked her and as the bandage is removed she took a wipe to clean the area a little. I stepped toward the mirror and fingered the outline of the surgery. Dr. Dulcia said it would need another surgery to form my vagina properly. I look forward to then but I am already happy with the improvement.

The nurse says, “I guess this is more important than I understood. I’m sorry I was insensitive.”

It seems ironic to me that people apologizing now are way more sensitive than what I experienced from those who should have been. I ask to use the toilet; she needs to use a plastic bowl under the toilet seat. She says it is both clear and doesn’t show any blood. It is another first for me.

The nurse needs to put a fresh bandage on me. She hands me a robe Grams has brought in to use. We walk down the corridor and to the window of the nursery. There are four bassinettes with babies and several areas where they are missing. I’m unaware that my hand touches my vagina.

The nurse asks, “You would like to have a baby someday?” I close my eyes and try to think of it. The babies are small and precious, but they are large in comparison to my opening.

But it is not hard to say, “Yes.” There are hands behind me around my shoulders. I think Grams, I hope it is not Dad or Mom. I see the reflection of Rhonda and Mom Adams in the window. Rhonda hugs me and it warms my heart and spirit.

A woman is pushing back her baby and she allows me to get a closer look. She smiles at me, “I bet you are one of the best people to understand my joy. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have a baby. If you want one, I hope you will be so blessed.” My hand touches on top of hers and we have a connecting moment.

I ask, “How did you know who I am?”

She said, “You are down the hall and I had no trouble hearing you last night. But I’m nosey and I felt for you. Others did too. I wouldn’t have thought about your situation. I felt your struggle last night.”

Once she was ready to walk back to her room I walked with her for a distance. She says, “I have a seventeen-year-old sister.”

I say, “My sister is eighteen, but she doesn’t get many chances to see me.”

Dad comes after work and he has Sara with him. I am very happy to see her and I thank him. He visits with us and some of my coldness melts. I am pretty sure it will come back. I am not proud of that. But I now understand it will take time with Dr. Akers.

Friday, I am out of the hospital and I’m with Grams at least through Monday. I do get a little shopping therapy on Saturday and Sunday, but I am in no condition to be trying on clothes. Tiffany Reed goes with Grams, Sarah and me on Saturday. Rhonda, Jennifer and Ma Adams go with me on Sunday. Rhonda, Jennifer and I all look at sundresses.

We’re passing an art store that sells frames, paintings, photography and more. Rhonda notices Nurse Laura Martin is inside and we go to say hello. She walks around with me and we’re looking at pictures as one catches my attention. It is Dane’s painting of me in my prom dress. I feel Dane’s hands touch my shoulders and I begin to cry. I have twelve days until my prom. I am overjoyed to see the painting; I’m afraid of what I might look like come to the prom.

I turn away and take Nurse Laura with me, Rhonda helps Dane to give me time and space. I turn to Laura, “Do you think I will look like I do in the painting at my prom?”

There is only one chair there, but Laura sits down and asks me if I can kneel. I am looking at her, seeing her tender eyes. “Elaine, if you were my little sister or my little girl. I would assure you will be beautiful by then. My question to you is are you happy to be a girl? How beautiful will ever be enough for you to be happy?”

“Can you realize that your Ma Adams who is very attractive, use to be as beautiful as Rhonda? And your Grams was as beautiful as Sara and you?”

I say, “Is it a crime that I want to be attractive?”

Laura taps my chest near my heart, “The crime is you don’t know it where it counts for you.” Laura’s attention is distracted and then holds her side. She pulls my hand to her full-blown pregnancy bump. I feel her with her hand over me. It is a moment before I feel a kick. She says the baby is moving

“That part isn’t a lot of fun is it?”

“You’re right there are times it hurts, but then again it is beautiful because it is between her and me.”

I ask, “Do you know she’s a girl?”

She says, “I think so, but I’m not sure. I know she’s not it. She might be a boy and I’d need to adjust to that. I know she will be beautiful to me.”

“Will you let me babysit with your baby?”

Laura asks, “Won’t you be a little too big to be babysitting?”

I smile, “I don’t want to do it for a job. I want to be close to you and your baby.”

I begin to realize I should be giving Dane some attention. I stand up and want Laura to go with me. Once we’re there, I apologize, “Sorry Dane, the painting is beautiful. I am so lucking to have you as my prom date and boyfriend.”

I give Dane a big hug and kiss, not worried about people watching us. But I should have been thinking of Dane as he’s shy. “Thank you, Dane, the picture is beautiful, but why are you showing it off here?”

Dane takes me further over and has me looking up. There on display is his latest painting, ‘Trees of Life’. I look to the lower left corner to the dry ground and withering tree and vegetation. I sigh, “I was like that. Life did not want to reside in me.”

Dane and Laura both ask me what I mean. I go off crying and Laura comes to me. It is not that Dane doesn’t care, but if I am to share he knows it would first be with Laura or later with Grams. But no, I will not share it yet with Grams. Laura holds me warmly, securely in a hug and whispers. “You are safe and you will not be judged.”

I tell her, “I too often did not want to live: especially as Bryce. Even as Elaine I did not feel free to live…”

To be continued…

Laura takes me further aside, “Elaine something tells me you haven’t shared this even with Dr. Akers.” She is then silent waiting for me to respond, instead of asking me if she’s right.

I hesitated but finally confess, “I was afraid that it would be used against me. My mother said once that I needed to be protected against myself. I tried to be strong, stronger and harder than she is.”

Laura says, “Stronger doesn’t need to mean being harder, especially harder on yourself. I think you’ve shown your strength in weathering so much that has come against you. Your strength also has shown your ability to grow and blossom Elaine. Please do not be afraid of that. You are a warm caring person.”

I hesitate, “But my feelings leave me vulnerable. It is like I love them, feeling warm and loved inside. But like with Karen and Staci and now with Dane, I am not ready to commit and give him all my love.”

Laura asks, “Is Dane pushing you to love him like that?”

I say, “Not in so many words, but isn’t that how it is to be?”

Laura hugs me again, whispering in my ear, “Do you know how many boyfriends and other guys I thought I loved? Then there were times I gathered with my girlfriends and we talk about who’s a hunk, whose crush-worthy. I was glad I didn't give myself to as many as I considered.”

Laura’s touching my hands, she asks, “Will you call me if you ever feel so down that you think you don’t want to live?”

I say, “I’m willing to call you if it gets to that. I like how you explain things. I can use help like that. I’m happy being Elaine, but there will probably be more times I’m down. I need more friends like you.”

Laura and I hug, knowing it is time to get back to the others. I'm thankful and ask her to let me know when her baby is born.

Dave and Doris Martin, Laura’s in-laws, announce they’ve agreed to buy Dane’s “Trees” painting for $5,000 for him and another $1,000 donation to the museum. They will loan it to the museum for now as they need to make a proper setting to display it at their home. They also need to ensure it and properly secure their home to display it there.

I give Dane a big hug in congratulations, but now I’m wondering about paying for his portrait of me. I love the painting, but I worry if I will want it always hanging around or how I can afford to buy it.

Dane asks, “Will you mind if I allow this to be displayed at the school until the prom? I will give it to you after then.”

Come Monday, Marie Tull my court advocate hears from Judge Hewitt in preparation for our court appearance the next day. She gives me a call. I ask, “Is it possible to begin talking about safe visits with one or both of my parents. I especially want the freedom to see and phone my sister anytime I’d like.”

Marie says, “I’ve talked to their lawyer and I think that would be good at least with your father to move in that direction, but it won’t be immediate. Your mother has her own court appearance in front of her, and I’m not convinced you really want to see her yet.”

I ask, “Would it be possible to ask that court to consider suspending any court sentence they, the couple and my mother, might be given?”

Ms. Tull changes the tone of her voice, “We can talk about that after you’re out of school later today. I do think all three of them need somehow to be held responsible for what they did and at least on probation They also need to work through their issues. And if I read you correctly, you are still quite afraid. I have to wonder why you would want to do all of this so soon.” She’s right, but I want to prove how strong I can be.

It is as lunch is ending for me that Sarah tells me, “Mom and Dad might be separating for now. Dad strongly wants to re-establish a healthy relationship with you. Plus, I think he’s feeling pressure from Mom about his not drinking at all.

Sara, “Mom thinks Dad can be a social drinker. If he doesn’t, she’s afraid they’ll lose a lot of friends.” Sara agrees with me, ‘If they stop being friends because dad stops drinking they’re not much as friends.’

“I think Mom’s accepting that you’re a girl. She’s now upset because of what others might think of her.”

I ask, “It sounds like Mom might hold that against me. The truth is I’m hesitant about ever coming home. I like that Dad seems to be changing. But it would still scare me to even be around him, especially if he and I were to be alone.” I say, “It is an even scarier thought about being around Mom, but I believe I need to work toward both possibilities.”

Karen and Jennifer both have texts asking if I have my salon appointment set for the prom. It is a bit of a sensitive subject for me. Though Grams is a distance I feel that is where I should be getting ready, dressed and picked up for prom. Dane is nice enough to agree to do whatever I want.

Rhonda thinking about it likes my idea too. It is her senior prom and while it will be special for Jennifer, Karen and I to share our preparation time. It is not quite the same for Rhonda.

Heather has her prom the same night and she and I are planning to go to the same salon. I’m pretty sure Heather even has our appointments already scheduled. Dane will pick me up at my Grams around three o’clock on the day of the prom. Some pictures will be taken of us there at Grams and then Dane will take me to his house. We should be ready to attend the promenade ahead of the prom. Just thinking of it all excites me.

Dad has even called saying, he’d be looking for me as well as Sara at the promenade. It will be the first time he has attended such an event for either of us. I expect Mom will be there though she is still under a restraint order from being near me. Police Lieutenant Robinson says he or another officer will be watching for me and my safety.

My School counselor Artis Brook calls me to her office, “Elaine have you decided for sure if you are coming here for your senior year of high school or transferring to Stronghold?” I have put off this decision. It’s one I need to make with Grams.

“Ms. Brook that decision is filled with emotions so I am not even going to even think about it this week.”

Ms. Brook is unwilling to sign my pass back to class. She says, “This decision should have been made before. I need to get a decision from you; there are people insisting to know.”

I say, “People transfer in during the summer, so why or who is pressing for me to make a decision. If you need a decision. I’ll say I’m going to be here, but I really don’t know. Give me what I have to sign and let’s be done with it.”

Ms. Brook says, “It’s a bit more complicated than that. We’ll need to figure out your schedule and you could be taking some college classes or a work-study program. We need to know if you’ll be living back with your parents, or someplace else. If not and the Adams have not invited you to stay there; it would appear your grandma would need to rent a place here.”

“You, someone, wanted me to make a decision and I did. It is either that or we wait.” With that I turn and leave her office, hopefully, I don’t get stopped without a pass. The Vice Principal is coming down the hall so I go into a girl’s room. Another girl is walking to the sink to wash her hands and check herself in the mirror. Debra a senior, “Elaine, I see you’re hiding or avoiding someone. It is good to see you. Right now you seem more like Bryce trying to avoid trouble.” She gives a light laugh and smiles, “It seems like people are out to make it harder on you. Wait a minute and I’ll check to see if the hallway is clear.”

What she says has me wondering. Debra and I aren’t close, but she seems to know things have become more difficult for me. She checks the hallway and comes back. “The Vice-Principal is talking to a counselor. How about I take your ponytail out and brush and change your hairstyle. Take your blouse out of your skirt and either let it hang down or tie it in a knot on the side. I swear I can often tell who’s down the hallway by their silhouette.” She does my hair and I let my blouse hang loosely. She even uses two hair clips from her purse. We leave the restroom walking away from the people in the hall.

I say, “Thanks,” when we come to my classroom.

Come lunchtime I ask Karen and friends, “Do you think school people are watching me or want me out of here?”

Carrie and Karen both say, “Dah, is that a real question?” Carrie continues, “Some people don’t like that you’ve changed and others dislike that the school has made adjustments. While the changes help other people who get hassled or bullied. It’s not just about you.

“The school has put up with these things but they don’t like being pressured to change... You know change killed the dinosaurs, but they’re some still alive in our school.” I and everyone around the table laugh and others turn in our direction. We turn and wave to the others, continuing to laugh at that.

Principal Mercer comes over to talk with us, “Miss Royce, I heard you might have been in the hallway without a pass.” She lifts a finger, knowing I and others want to say something back. She says, “Please try to avoid those things. I think you have done exceedingly well in adjusting to your changes. It has been hard on some, yet helpful overall. Please know my office is open to you and your friends here. Karen and Jennifer, I think your helping Elaine has been especially important. This isn’t about one person, it is making the school a warmer place to be. Next September what’s different now will hopefully be the new normal.”

Carrie says, “That would not have happened with the old principal.”

It is Thursday, I am back to running track though it might be next year before I’m running in meets again. I run in practice against Rhonda and later with Travis. I strain to keep up but know I am getting back into better shape. I hear a car horn from the parking lot and its Grams. I should shower, but they’re not open to me.

It is nice to get back home to Grams’ and take a shower. Heather, Aunt Kenda, and Uncle Paul stop, bringing pizza for supper. Aunt Kenda looks over my gown and accessories. Aunt Kenda notices a blemish on my shoes and easily takes care of it. I had worn my earrings but there are other things that are not where they should be. She hands me a women’s hanky that looks small and delicate.

I ask, “What if I need it, but I’m away from my purse?”

Heather says, “You just want to hide it without pushing the push-up in your bra out of the way.” She has a handkerchief that she demonstrates with. She sees me looking at my uncle. “If you discretely turn or just casually do it. The guy won’t even notice unless he has a fixation on your breasts.”

I am so thankful to have family and friends helping me. It adds to the fun I’m having. Heather invites me to stay over with her. Instead, I invite her to stay with me, saying, “I want to be with Grams more than I have been.” Heather agrees plus she already has some clothes here. My boyhood is now small and hardly ever reacts to anything. It will not be a problem. Tomorrow I will have little trouble attaching it to my vagina gaff.

Heather took the first bubble bath and I’m in visiting with her. She does the same as each helps to wash the back of the other. We’re ready for bed just after 10 pm. but don’t go to bed until the nightly news is over at 11:30.

Grams has been documenting tonight with pictures and begins the morning by doing the same. She tells us, she did the same for my mom and Aunt Julie; she even got out a scrapbook to prove it. Heather and I are both really happy to have our prom gowns and not theirs. We’re both wearing work-out pants, a zip down shell top. The morning is cool but luckily our appointments are for 10:00. Grams has bought be a second pair of earrings for tonight. They are a radiant blue that will go nicely with my gown and Dane’s tuxedo.

I notice my breasts appear to be among the smallest when we go to the salon. I am tickled enough that my girls have grown as much as they have and will be noticeable. With my padded bra and help, I will appear to have some cleavage which pleases me.

Once again Riana is my stylist and beautician. I couldn’t be happier. Heather tells Riana, but Riana checks with me before implementing any change of plans. Heather wants Riana to include highlights in my hair, including the tips. It was not until she showed me a photo of my painting that I realize Dane had already painted it into my painting.

Heather says, “Rhonda and Jennifer noticed it in the painting. I’m a bit skeptical of you saying you hadn’t noticed.” But it’s the truth. I guess I reap the rewards of doubts from the many half-truths I told as Bryce.

When Riana washes my hair; we’re both happily surprised by its length and body. She says eventually when my hair gets long enough, she will need to cut it drastically. If one looks closely, my hair since January is thicker and richer. She will work her magic so it does not show in my hair-style for the prom tonight. There is so much more she can do now, than the first time. I enjoy watching in the mirror. Heather gives me a hard time, “Elaine you’re acting like a young girl.”

I respond, “You’re missing out because you aren’t seeing it as special.” Heather and I argue if that is true or not. I ask, “Riana, when are you going to pierce my ears again so I can wear two sets of earrings.”

She says, “I am waiting until after your perm is set under the dryer. I don’t want you complaining if I did it now.” She says, "It is hot enough under the dryer without the earrings picking up the heat and burning while you're under the dryer." I guess that heat helps to set not only the permanent but the highlighting in my hair. They begin my pedicure while I’m under the dryer.

“Oouu wee!” Feet aren’t the prettiest part of the body but watching my feet come through this pedicure, they are so much prettier than they were, they do look pretty now. I am tickled to see girls’ feet at the end of my legs. I am glad I have open toe shoes, but I’m wishing I had gone with the shoes that had more delicate straps of leather that were even more feminine.

Once I’m out from under the dryer, I am back in Riana’s chair. This is even more fantastic to watch my hair take shape as she takes off the metal strips, unrolls my hair form the rollers and brushes them out. Riana notices my legs squeezing together and asks, “Do you need to use the toilet?”

I giggle, “I don’t need to go that badly, it’s just that I am getting excited and…”

“Enough said Elaine, I will have you go to the bathroom, but do not take your time. Do you need another pad?” I did not answer her question instead I take my purse, which has what I need in it.

I can tell that the change in my hormones is changing my emotions. Both Travis and Dane have said that must be upsetting for me. My thought is quite the opposite that I am way more in touch with my feelings now. Yes, the swing of emotions takes some getting used to. I, however, think I am way better off than Dane and Bryce. The only thing Bryce felt more was anger. I’m angry with my Dad, Mom and a number of other people as Elaine. But as Dr. Anne says, “I shouldn’t let those feelings consume me.” I’m not sure if I can work through them like she says I will, but I’ll give it a try.

If anything my hair is turning out even better than I dreamed. Now my fingernails are being done. Riana has marked my ears for their piercing. After both new earrings are in I insist on seeing myself in the mirror with them. They are beautiful, but as Heather says they’ll be spectacular when I’m all dressed in my gown. The trip back to Gram’s finds me ready to get dressed. I eat a sandwich and drink some water as Grams insists and I’m ready.

The silk and the lace of the stockings are to die for. I’m making all the sounds that I thought were funny last year. Then Sara was ecstatic and I thought she was exaggerating. This year I am into all the joy of being Elaine. My panty and bra set looks wonderful; Grams will save that photo for me only. Tiffany Reed has come help to me with my heels, necklace, bracelet, and a ring Grams says belonged to her Mom. The ring has been to the jewelers and is now brilliant once again.

Finally, Dane is here; his Dad drove Dane and then drives the two of us back to their house. More pictures and I feel like the luckiest girl. Dane is more handsome than I imagined. His Grandmother comes over to me and gives me a hug and kiss. “You are making my Grandson very happy, by his having such a beautiful young woman on his arm.” It is especially meaningful as his mother appears to be wishing I was someone else.

Dane drives his car to the promenade, and he’s extra excited because he has received acceptance into Columbia University’s fine arts program. I give him an extra big kiss. His being in New York City sounds exciting.

I ask him if they saw my painting and what they thought of it. He says, “They encourage me to keep a portfolio of all my work, but not to bring in to the university. Other students usually discount artwork done from while we’re in high school.” I’m disappointed they’d discount what they haven’t seen. “I wonder how many of them have has a special showing at an important museum?”

Truth is our museum would not be seen as important in comparison to those in New York City.

Fortunately, we get to the high school and we’re seventh in line for those now going into the promenade. Some Junior Dads are going to drive the cars around to a parking area. Dane stops his car and comes around to open the door for me. Dane’s parents, Grams and our families are there to greet us. I am especially moved when Mrs. Robinson, an older neighbor, calls out my name. Neighbors, friends, and teachers from when I grew up are cheering for me by name, ‘Elaine’, ‘way to go girl’, ‘That’s our girl!’ No, it is not my mother but yes for Ma Adams.

Once everyone is inside, we see the gym beautifully decorated; the theme is the “Times of Your Life.” Pictures of seniors at different times in their lives are displayed. Some as pictures that have been enlarged and others displayed as images on various screens. No sooner do I get Dane to look at his picture and it’s gone.

Dane picks me up and twirls me around, saying, “You know, I wasn’t very noticed until you came into my life.” I give him a kiss saying, “That’s not true, your art has decorated the halls of the school and even became shirts and posters for the school.”

He says, “That’s my art, but they didn’t recognize me. They had a Trivia night back in January and most didn’t associate me with anything. Now they not only recognize my artwork, they know what I look like. Do you know how sad it is when they mention your name and others answer who cares?”

“Yes, I know, but that’s why special friends are important. Rhonda always thought you were special.”

He smiles, “Thankfully she treats everyone special.”

My Dad kept his distance but he has his zoom lens on his camera. I could tell by the smile on this face that he’s happy with me. He even gets one of Sara and me together. Mom is behind him and a security person is nearby. She looks like she might be happy to see me, but I am unwilling to get close enough to ask her.

Grams was with Sara around my parents and she whispered to me later, “I think the ice is thawing… but it might crack my daughter’s face.” I can’t help but giggle.

Ma Adams tells Grams, though I didn’t hear it until later, “We have a good idea about next year.”

Dane takes me out to eat with friends and then we come back to the school after 9:00 pm. for the formal prom.

After the Prom, a lot of kids either drive into New York City, down to the shore or some other getaway spot. Some are soon home, others are out until three and those of us who went to the shore or NYC are out all night. I am to share a room down the shore with Rhonda and two other girls. But Travis and Dane are soon in with us and the girls are with the other guys.

I am now scared as they’re two beds and Rhonda’s getting cozy with Travis. Rhonda and I help each other out of our gowns. She grabs me and we go into the bathroom and she has something to change into. It is small enough not to be much, but Rhonda hands me part of it. It is rather sexy and with my gaff hides some and shows off my perky breasts.

There is a slow song playing and Rhonda says that is our cue. Travis takes Rhonda in his arms and I’m soon in Dane’s. I notice Dane’s aroused as we dance, thankfully my lower extremities are not, though my breasts tingle as Dane rubs up against me. The lights go off and each couple is soon going under the covers of a different bed.

There is a good fifteen to thirty minutes of kissing and hugs. Dane brushes my breasts and the top of my negligee lifts away. He’s caressing my nipples and I am excited. I fondle him, I like how big and long he’s getting. I am working up the courage to kiss him there.

We hear Travis and Rhonda and are pretty sure they are going all the way in making out. Dane reaches for the side table, saying, “I hope you don’t mind but I want to make love to you?” I am not sure what he’s going to do, but he’s pulling my panty down. His hand is on my butt and finally, he’s using two fingers to spread the gel over my opening.

I thought when this is done, the person is to use one and then two fingers to push in and open me up, stretching a little. Dane did very little of that and he’s getting behind me. I turn and reach for his gel and then his cock. It may have been spit on. I fondle him again, spreading the gel I even kiss his head encouraging it to become rock hard.

Finally, I turn around and have a pillow under my belly as I spread legs. I reach behind helping to guide him to me. He pushes but barely presses the opening. I whisper, “You need to push hard enough to come into me.” The second time he’s almost there but moves back. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It won’t hurt that much. I want you.” I never understood in police and hospital programs when they say ‘ There are signs of bruising.’

I tell Dane, “Please push hard enough, you were just about into me. I really want you.” I had decided I wanted him enough and this time when he pushed he entered me and actually penetrated at least a couple of inches. I’m sure more gel in me would have made it easier and hurt less. I moan and force myself to say “Thanks, I love it.” He's pushing in and out, it helps in lubricating me and I too am now enjoying it. I guess the sensation I am feeling is from my prostate being rubbed by his him rubbing it. And the first time he cums in me the joy is ecstatic for both of us.

It is about an hour later when Dane wants me again and this time we take the time to prepare both of us. I curl up and bring my knees high until he is in me. We are working together physically and emotionally; the mood is way better as are the results. Dane is voicing his joy much more and as he convulses and gushes into me. He hits paradise as he describes it. I do have a feeling of bliss that I cannot describe.

I am lying under Dane and I look over to Rhonda and she smiles as our eyes meet each other. She mouths some words, ‘Way to go Elaine.’ I say, “Thanks.” Dane has shrunk and now slips out of me and we fall asleep.

The way I walk into the shower in the morning shows I’m hurting. The shower and a vaginal cream help enough that I can walk easily enough go to breakfast. Everyone is sleep deprived. The guys are crazy enough to go and dive into the cold ocean water. We’re cold enough with a blanket and towels around us as we watch them. They hug us with their cold wet bodies when they come back.

I call Grams to tell her I am alright and eating breakfast at the ocean with Dane, Rhonda, and others. I tell her about the prom but stop at saying it is nice to see the ocean with Dane. Rhonda has called and talked to her mom and says hello from me. She tells her Mom we shared our bedroom but doesn’t say more than we’re okay.

Her Mom trips her up as they’re ready to say good-bye, saying, “So do you think Elaine feels like a woman now?”

Rhonda giggles and says, “Yes, she enjoyed herself.” It was only after the call was over that Rhonda realized what she did.

I was at first embarrassed but after thinking and Rhonda and I talking, we decided it was best this way. I needed to talk with someone and I felt better talking with Ma Adams than Grams.

Story conclusion to come next…

Travis and Dane took Rhonda and Elaine to the shore after the Prom. This morning the guys went out for a morning swim. Rhonda giggles, “I’m sure they’re doing it to get themselves clean and have the fun of swimming while doing it for free.” Rhonda and I, Elaine, talk about the good time each of us had, joyful for the other as well. Rhonda says, “By the third time last night, I was getting sore; Travis felt being rough was satisfying for me like it was for him. How was it for you?’

I say, “I was pretty sore when he went into me even for the first time. I was surprised how nice it felt having him in me. I like feeling like a woman, I just need to better prepare myself. Expecting him to be more concerned with me wasn’t a good idea. My surgery Making my body in line with how I see me takes place the week after graduation.”

“I am now looking forward to having my surgery even more. I’d like to be able to have a man like any woman.” We both take long showers. Thoroughly clean, I use a hotter setting to relax and unwind. I think making out as we did use some different muscles. “I’m not planning on being active sexually for a while.”

I’m wearing shorts under a long tunic top and depending on one’s viewing angle; it appears more like a dress with little underneath. I forgot to bring a second pair of shoes, thus I wear my heels to breakfast.

One guy gives Dane a high five. It is only after accommodating the young man; does he learn it’s for bringing new hot candy into the restaurant. I blush as Rhonda says, “Elaine was wondering if some young man would be willing to go get her a pair of sandals?” Several people interrupted us during our breakfast asking if the request was for real. They’re saddened after I said no. One young teen tried to ask and then guess my shoe size.

Our waitress gave us two bills. She says, “Only one is for payment. I am hoping Elaine might sign the other one for me as an autograph to keep. Thanks for showing we are not the weaker sex.”

We’re walking out when Renee a young girl stops Rhonda and me, saying, “I have a brother like you, but he doesn’t look as pretty as you when he dresses up.”

We took some time to talk to Renee listening to her telling us about her brother Mark. He’s only twelve she says, I ask Renee if she ever calls Mark by another name. “I’m too embarrassed but he'd like me to call him Marci.”

“I liked that you were strong enough to tell us about him. Does Mark/Marci just like to dress up as a girl or does your brother say he’s really a girl?”

Rhonda asks, “Renee are you here with your family? If so maybe we could go and talk with them, if everyone is willing.”

Renee walks back to her family and Renee’s Mom and brother return to talk with us. Mrs. Stanley says, “I think we would like to talk with you but not here and now. I wonder if you could give me a number to call and arrange a time to meet while we’re here.” She indicates they had just gotten to the shore and would be here until after Memorial Day.

I turn to Mark and for once I’m towering over someone. I ask, “Mark, are you wanting to visit with me, as I’m a transgender girl?”

He says, “I know I don’t look it, but I’m a girl.”

“I think, I can see the girl inside of you. Did you know for a long time, before others recognize you as a girl?” He shook his head no. I say, “They didn’t see me as a girl either? I think you’re pretty fortunate if you mother recognizes there is something to talk about.”

I tell him, “I was at a prom last night, and right now I’m too tired to talk. What would you say if I could come back here Monday with my Grandmother? We could talk then?”

Plans are put in motion and we arrange to get together on Memorial Day.

It is the first time I experience Dane being a little shy about being with me. I feel bad about it and understand in a way. It changes, however, the rest of our time together. I am glad Grams lives closer to the shore as I get dropped off first. Dane walks me to the house and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I give him a hug and thank him for a wonderful time.

He asks, “If you talk with them Monday or others; are you likely to talk about what you and I have done together?”

I assure Dane, “Our friendship is personal. I don’t talk about us like boys in the locker room. I kind of drive the same point home. “You better not either. I wouldn’t like that.” Dane has a look of surprise in his eyes as he realizes I know how guys talk. I tried to give him a passionate kiss but it kind of felt like he wasn't kissing me back.”

He went back to the car, and Rhonda comes running up to the house. “I hope you are alright,” she says. “If you want someone to go with you and Grams Monday; I think I can get here.” Rhonda gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

We text after she’s got home. It is nice to talk to someone who understands.

I am struggling not to go to sleep; I want to visit with Grams. She is happy to show me the pictures she took of me and Sara. Soon I’m falling asleep on her couch and she covers me with a light blanket and puts a pillow under my head.

It is 6:00 in the evening and Sara, my Dad and Mom are coming through the door. I’m more than a bit scared that is until Uncle Paul taps me on the shoulder, whispering, “You’ll be safe. Heather and Sara wanted the three of you together to share pictures and about your proms.”

The evening starts off well enough, though there is a tension in the air. Sara has brought her dress, intending just to show it. We talk her into wearing it another time, so we can enjoy seeing her in it. She invites Heather and me to go with her as she’s changing. Aunt Kenda has volunteered to comb and pin her hair where helpful. She agrees with Aunt Kenda to let a few curls to hang freely. It actually looks as good as it did for the prom-like she’s now unleashed to have fun.

I gasp as I see Sara in her panties and bra. I am more than a little in awe of how beautiful she is. She is partially dressed when Uncle Paul knocks at the door. He has Heather’s gown for her to wear. Heather has blonde hair and golden skin that looks like a tan year-round. I think it’s her Native American genes.

I get to help Sara into her gown; I’m surprised how easily she zips up the back. She could easily do the top three buttons but she asks me. Heather’s Mom is working her magic on Heather’s hairstyle. Her long blonde head of hair has a lot of natural curls, but some more had been added, Kenda pins enough to maximize the beauty of the curls.

They are finishing up her makeup when Sara says, “Are you going to wait for a special invitation Elaine or are you waiting for Aunt Kenda’s undivided attention?”

“I thought it was just going to be you two; I didn’t think, you’d want me to be changing with you.”

Aunt Kenda had stepped out of the room and comes back with my prom gown, saying, “I hope you do not mind but I have another panty and bra for you to wear this time.”

It is nice to go out among the family. Pictures are being taken of the three of us girls, individually, and with immediate family. My family for tonight continues to be Grams. I do have one picture with mom, Sara, dad, and me next to him. It was a very anxious time for me. I wasn’t asked to be in the middle with Sara. I’m sure I’d have trouble doing it.

Dad did sit near me as we talked. It was like talking to another person. It wasn’t the dad I knew. Sara later said, “That’s the way Dad was when you were eight and nine. You have to like that.”

“That was when I began playing sports, and Dad was already pressuring me. I was never boy enough for him. That was when he started hitting me in secret.”

Sara starts to say, “No that was after you were eleven.” I started to shake and tear up, and Sara quits speaking and hugs me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know or I forgot.” Shortly after our meal and I was in the kitchen. Mom and dad decided it was time to go home. Sara didn’t even get to change back into her other clothes.

“Grams, yesterday before the prom, you had a solution to our problems. Is that about next year and my staying at my high school?”

Heather is giving me a hug, “I’m hoping you will move to be with Grams, so we can have a full year of going to school together.”

Grams says, “I’m not saying we’ll do it, but the Robinson’s have a small cottage behind their house that his mother lived in. It’s been vacant for almost two years and they’re finally open to renting it. That’s if they can find the right people. I called them and it would be manageable for one school year.”

I know the youngest Robinson girl, she’s just a year older than Sara. It has been a long time since I’ve been in Grandma Robinson’s place. It seemed cozy enough but I never looked at it as a place I might live.

The idea of being able to do more with Heather has its own attraction. I have been touched by her acceptance of me. We have even talked about going to college together. Heather says, “You know you need a break from feeling attracted to one person or another.”

Tuesday during school, I get a message from the school office that I am to see Mr. Higgins in the gymnasium after the end of this class. I go and he asks me to sit with him in a section of seats that have been pulled out. Max Sievers is there to greet me, before leaving. It is relaxing to see a smile on his face.

Coach Higgins says, “I want to share an idea and I want you to think about it seriously and not say anything quickly. I have heard from a number of football players that would like to have you on the team next year. I have heard about your concern about opposition teams going after you. And what it might be like playing the full season.

“But what if, we have you as our second or third-string quarterback, only to be used in emergencies? Offensive linemen like Max Sievers say they will give you all the protection you need. Max says, he’d even guarantee it. I’d agree to use you only if the starter gets injured in a game. If it is to replace the starter for performance, I’ll have another quarterback ready and in his place.

“We will have most of our starters back and look to be even a better team than last year. Jack Rivers might even be the second-string quarterback if he doesn’t earn his stripes as a team player. But I think he got the message in the playoff game.”

I’m wanting to quickly say “No.” Coach is pretty sure the longer I think about it, the more I will be tempted and wanting to play.

“Coach, you know there is no way for Max or you to guarantee I’ll be protected. Heck, if we run an option, I might need to run with the ball. Even when I came in late in the game, I was a target to be knocked on my ass.”

Coach says, “You don’t have to run, you can go down without being hit, I’ll understand.” I say, “And will you explain that my teammates or everyone in the stands. I think my Dad needs to be a coach more than I need to be a backup quarterback. If I came into a football game and the game is on the line, you know I couldn’t play it safe. ”

Coach says, “We will keep you safe and you would probably only be needed in two games tops. But you know for us to fail to hold a lead or to fail to score could cause us two losses. You know what those defeats could mean for us to repeat going to the play-offs. One of those games could, in fact, be for the state championship itself.”

I was thinking when we’re interrupted by Rhonda shoving the doors open and making her presence known. She’s speaking loudly as she walks across the gym, “Elaine, do not listen to him; you’re Elaine a woman. You’re even smaller than Bryce was. Think what getting a beating in football would now mean. You don’t need to prove anything or owe it to the team or anyone.

She says, “Coach, how dare you, be willing to sacrifice her again.”

Coach says, “Rhonda, you weren’t invited to be here; she has a good head on her shoulders and can make her decisions for herself. I am not asking her to decide right now but to think of it. She’d be able to run cross-country. Just think what it would mean to her reputation if a couple of times she’d make a difference in our school winning games. We’re going to have a very good team, she could be the piece that makes us a great team.”

Rhonda asks, “Elaine are you the same as you were when you took a beating? Look at your waist and hips, how about your strength for passing or holding onto the ball. Do you want to bulk up and go through the strength regimen you swore to your father you wouldn’t?”

I say, “Sorry Coach Higgins, but I’ve come too far to step backward. I am happy for once. I’ll find new challenges. I’m more likely to be a cheerleader than a quarterback.”

Coach says, “I needed to try and I’ll hold out the opportunity for you to decide otherwise. You have won my respect and you won’t lose that.”

I turn and walk away with Rhonda, thanking her for being there. Rhonda asks, “Are you really thinking of becoming a cheerleader?”

“No, but I kind of like the look. I will try to learn some of their moves and to be able to cheer at the same time.” Rhonda agrees it is not as easy as it looks.

I talk with Rhonda; telling her Grams idea about where we’d live if I stay here for my senior year.

Rhonda says, “You know if you press my parents, I think they would give into you staying at our house.”

I say, “I think it could get a little touchy especially if it doesn’t work between Jennifer and me.” Rhonda looks again wondering if I’m kidding or not.

I know that I’ve come to love Jennifer; I just don’t know if it is the romantic love of two lovers. Besides that, I’m not really interested in making a lasting decision quite yet.

“You know Jennifer really likes you a lot, but she knows you need the time and space to discover who you are. Living with your Grams at the little Robinson bungalow could be good for the two of you.”

I say, “Yes, it’s close enough to walk to where the other is, with space for each of us.” My phone buzzes, its nurse Laura.

“Hi Laura, it's Elaine, what do you want? …The baby what do you mean you need me, where’s Jack? …Just a minute.”

“Rhonda, do you think we could get out of school and you get me to the Stronghold Medical Center? Laura’s going to have her baby and she wants me with her.”

“Laura, we’ll be leaving here within minutes. I think we can be there in thirty minutes. I’ll call you once we’re on the road. Mrs. Adams will bring us.”

Mrs. Adams greets us and tells us to buckle up, “Neither of you can tell anyone if I get speeding. My brother tells me the police won’t be looking for speeders until school is out.”

I ask, “Mrs. Adams how does he know that?” Rhonda says, “Uncle Steve is a Sheriff’s Deputy for the county.”

Ma Adams says, “If he or Officer Richards sees us, they just might escort us to the hospital.” She was right. Five minutes out of town, her brother pulls alongside us and agrees to give his sister an escort. Another officer will join the escort once we’re in Monmouth County. We did not speed as much as most lights changed for us and for those that did not, we safely negotiated our way thru. The whole trip takes twenty-one minutes.

I get safely out of the car, hug Officer Steve and go into the hospital.

Having been there, I already know the floor and way to the OB wing. Mr. Martin was waiting outside the room. I go in give Laura a kiss on the cheek. Nurse Robin says, “Please wash up and I will help you put on a gown and mask. You got here in time, Laura is dilated five centimeters and she’s now in the labor room.”

I am ready to panic, and as we’re ready to go, Laura reminds me, “Tell me to take refreshing breaths between contractions, encouraging me to push when the nurse and doctor say so and to relax when they say that. Don’t be surprised if I yell like a sailor, Mom says that sometimes happens.”

“What happens if I faint?”

Laura says, “Please tell yourself, you won’t, I need you. It’s important to me that you’re here.”

I ask, “Shouldn’t I have gloves on?” Nurse Robins says, “Your hands were washed with an antiseptic. Most moms prefer it this way and Laura asked specifically.” Dr. Jennings has a male intern that checks Laura first. He’s cute but Laura says, “Excuse me is Dr. Denise not here to deliver my baby?”

Ron says, “Yes, I’m in training and Dr. Jennings is my supervisor; up until you’re dilated to 7 cm. I’ll be checking you. At that time she’ll be fully taking over as your doctor.”

I ask, how long is that likely to be? He says, “Anywhere from fifteen minutes to the next three hours.” Laura smiles at me, “As long as things go well, the baby will dictate most of that.” It is almost an hour when Dr. Denise Jennings came in. She checks Laura and says, “Okay let’s move into the delivery room.” I heard about birthing beds, but I thought maybe that was just in the major cities. It is like seeing something from a movie set.

I am holding Laura’s hand when she asks if I have my smartphone with me. I say, “I left it in the other room. It’s in my purse.” One nurse asks me, “Do you mind if someone gets it and brings it in here?”

Dr. Denise asks, “You won’t be squeamish seeing another woman’s vagina opening up spewing water, blood and then the baby will you?” She is a little surprised when I say, “I haven’t seen many women naked. But don’t worry about all you described.”

Laura says, “You’ve helped your friend Karen in her recuperation from extensive injuries in a car accident? Dr. Denise, I’m sure she’s up for this. It’s a quick course in womanhood 301.”

Denise giggles as she is checking Laura. “Well, the program is about ready to go full force. And I’ll be asking you to push. You are at 10 cm and I’m ready to break your water.” With that water with a little blood comes gushing out of Laura. “Now Elaine you can encourage Laura to push when I ask. Please listen to me as well as the nurses. Laura when you feel the urge begin to push.”

The doctor sees the contractions come and says, “Push Laura.” I ask her to push and by her grunting, I know she is. She squeezes my hand and lets up, “Is this when I’m to encourage you to take refreshing breaths?”

Nurse Robin says, “We have a quick learner or she’s been here before?” Dr. Jennings asks, “Is that true have you been in helping someone before?” I’m sure they’re joking with me.

Laura says, “I knew she could do it.” “They’re coming again…”

“Push Laura, you’re doing well,” I say. Her grip is a bit stronger this time. Robin shows her grips she can hold onto. I feel Laura’s neck and begin to rub where I can feel her getting tense. We have gone through many cycles of Laura pushing and relaxing and she's getting tired. Doctor Denise says, “This time I want you to push and then hold it until I say relax.”

The contractions start again and as Laura pushes, she starts to scream. Her voice is strong unlike I ever heard, “Good, good Laura, push hard.”

Laura yells back at me, “I know, I know! What ‘you think I’m doing!” Aww!”

“Relax.” Robin echoes the doctor. I say, “You’re doing well, relax with cleansing breaths.”

Laura says, “You want to breathe for me, go ahead.” Timidly I say, “I’m just doing as you asked me.”

Denise says, “You’re doing okay, don’t get offended this is a bit of the sailor talking.”

Strongly I say, “Shore leave canceled.” Laura laughs, just before the contractions started back up.”

Dr. Denise says, “You made some progress her head is pushing against the opening. Push and then hold.” Laura’s pushing and Dr. Denise says “Her head is crowning, push a little more and then hold... Hold.., relax.” I am not sure, I’m keeping track. The clock shows another hour has passed.

Dr. Denise says, “The head is fully crowned and I want you to push ‘til the head and a shoulder is out. I know you can do it.” I wipe Laura’s forehead, around her neck and chest. Laura tries smiling but yells as strong contractions hit her. “Aww s-h-*-t!” I patted her hand and she took hold of my hand and is squeezing. I’m saying sh*t as well but not out loud, this hurts.

Dr. Denise says, “The heads coming, keeping pushing. Can you see in the mirror?” My head is down next to Laura’s I point to the mirror. “Relax, you did well the right shoulder’s here.”

“She’s not small, how can she be coming through there…”

Dr. Denise says, “Push again, here she comes. Continue to push. She’s coming, oh she’s here.” They use a rubber bulb to squeeze out any debris from her nostrils and mouth. The baby cries and they’re holding her up. Dr. Denise clamps off two sections of the cord. “Do you want to cut the cord, Elaine?”

“She’ll bleed; I’m afraid.”

Laura says, “Please, I already told Denise I want you to do it.”

Dr. Jennings says, “See this area between the two clamps that is where I want you to cut.” I can’t believe I’m doing it but I have special scissors ready to cut where she says. “Easy but firm, cut.” I did and I felt it cut through the cord. Robin and the doctor and others say. “You did well, are you sure you haven’t done this before.” The baby is a girl, I wonder if the doctor already knew? The baby’s put on Laura’s body, with Laura holding her on both sides.

A nurse takes her, saying, “She’ll be right back. The baby cries and I wonder what happened. Laura touches where she’s bled and given birth. “Elaine, here’s a keepsake.” She touches my forehead and then my lips. I kiss her finger as she does.

“Can I?” I look to a nurse. She just says, Easy.” I bring two fingers up to Laura’s head, not sure what to do. I know Laura’s Catholic, so I make a cross on her forehead. “God’s blessed your baby’s mother.” I lean over her and we hug. I straighten up and they bring the baby back to her. They raise Laura a little less than 45 degrees.

Laura cradles the baby, as I ask, “Does she have a name?”

Robin says, “She may want to wait for the father.”

Laura asks, “Dr. Jennings, did Jack tell you the name if he wasn’t here?”

Dr. Denise whispers in Laura’s ear and Laura says it out loud, “Jacquelyn Laura Marie Martin, how do you like your name?”

“Jacquelyn, you are as pretty as your name.” I say, “Laura, she looks like you.” With that Laura’s body expels the afterbirth. “Yuck that is gross, what good is that?”

The other nurse says, “If a mother was stranded and would need to wait for help. It would be good for her to eat that both for nourishment and to get rid of the scent of blood out of the area.”

“Extra gross, you’re kidding aren’t you?”

Nurse Jana says, “Baby Jacquelyn is seven pounds three ounces and nineteen point two five inches long.” They begin to wheel Laura out of the delivery room and to her room. I suddenly begin to shake and want to cry. I sit down and put my head into my hands weeping. “I can’t believe I just did that. Dr. Denise comes to me saying, “It is okay, witnessing a little miracle like that can shake a person. You are not the first.”

The doctor asks, “Are you Elaine Royce, Dr. Owens patient?”

I look up to her, “You’re not going to tell my Doctor are you?”

She says, “No, but someday you might want to tell her. That is up to you. Laura is a special nurse. You must be extra special to her. That’s quite an honor for a mother to share.”

“I don’t understand why, she chose me, but I did say I would help her if I could. I’m not even fully a girl.”

Dr. Denise gives me a hug, “I don’t think you could have been more of a girl, what do you call it, a BFF? Elaine, I along with Laura believe you are already a young woman. Someday your body will catch up with you.” It was another moment before we left the room as others were waiting to clean it.

I make my way out to the waiting room; the grandparents had just gone in to see Laura and Jacquelyn. I get to share with Grams, Ma Adams and Rhonda. Again I get weepy-eyed as I share how beautiful it was, “Grams, it was like I was part of a miracle. I just witnessed it, but that was neat enough. I can’t describe it. It wasn’t all beautiful but it was the most beautiful thing I’ll ever see.”

Grams says, “How did you feel to be helping in there?”

“Like now, I can’t believe I got to be there. I even cut the baby’s cord.”

Grams asks, “Is it okay to wipe off your face?”

I ask, “Do you have a mirror? I have to see where she marked me.”

Ma Adams guesses, “You mean Laura did that to you?” I shook my head yes. Rhonda says, “Gross…”

“Rhonda if you were there and it happened to you. I think you would see it differently.”

Rhonda says, “You are definitely a young woman now. Have you thought any more about when you’re having your operation? It shouldn’t change your appearance much.”

Ma Adams says, “As it changes her hormone balance. I am sure there is a chance it might change some. How noticeably we’ll have to wait and see.”

I touch my breasts; knowing they’ve begun to develop. “I don’t mean to be sexist, but I hope my breasts will develop naturally like a regular woman.”

It was a troubling day that led to a more troubling night. I’m told I was screaming for help and woke up as the whole Adams family comes rushing into the room. There are still many around who do not accept Elaine. They take whatever opportunity to hassle me calling me various names. Tonight I was dreaming that Prescott, Tony, and Drew were chasing me. Scott’s hand slithered across my breasts. I think he thought I should like it.

Ma Adams is hugging me as we rock together; she asks, “Have you told Dr. Akers about these episodes?”

“I told you before I want to work through this by myself.”

Jennifer kisses me on the cheek, “No offense, but you’re not doing well with this.”

I look at Jennifer; hearing what she said, but also wondering if it’s time for a change. Grams and I are to sign the rental agreement tomorrow or the next day on the Robinson place.

Ma Adams says, “I don’t want to lose you, but you do realize the scary parts of your life are here. You might want to think twice about staying here. When you’re stronger and have your life established, you can live here.”

Jennifer says, “Mom, how can you say that.”

Mom and Dad Adams both say. “You can still get together. You won’t be that far away.”

Jennifer grabs me in the morning, “Throw on some shopping clothes. We talk about nothing serious today.” We’re soon out and on the road and Jenn is talking to Heather, “Meet us at the Brunswick Mall. I have Elaine with me and we both need a fun time shopping.” It is ten o’clock when we get there. Jenn is serious for a moment. “No buying anything right now. Try on the clothes, everything, and anything. If you want to buy something we can do that after lunch.”

I’m having a great time until I see Margaret; she’s struggling to get people to listen to her. “No, I do want or need my wheelchair!” I have the audacity to ask if I can help. The workers say no. But Margaret pleads, “I just need to sit and rest.”

I help get her to a bench seat and Jennifer sits next to her. With her arm around Margaret, she’s stable. I kneel in front of her and massage her leg muscles and then go around her and massage her neck and back. One worker says, “Okay you have good intentions, but what next?”

I ask Margaret, “If you have enough energy to do two stores. Which shall we go to?” Margaret looks at me, “Are you for real? Maurice’s and LL Bean.”

Dara whispers to me, “You better not be getting her anything nice, she’ll just soil it and ruin it.”

I say, “She’s a girl for crying out loud. I know what it’s like not being able to be a girl.” People look at me strangely.

Someone asks, “Do you care to explain that statement?” I simply say no and when Margaret is ready we get up and walk to LL Bean. It is a bit awkward but we help her try on a pair of designer jeans. It is at Maurice’s we find a jeans skirt that looks better. Margaret is glowing as we set those aside to buy them and look at a pair of Moccasin style slippers that go halfway up her calf.

Once I get home I talk to Grams and say, “I want to talk, but not about me. I think I want to be a therapist, a physical therapist.”

Heather and Jenn both tell Grams, “You should have seen her and how she helped this woman with MS. We think she made the woman’s day, maybe even changed her life.”

Jenn says, “I think it reminded Elaine of when she was helping Karen. She seems to have a gift for it.”

Two days pass and as far as where I will be in the new school year; it is settled. I will be living with Grams at her house and getting on with my life. This summer I will be a candy-striper at the Stronghold Medical Center in the physical therapy department. I will be helping to transport patients and do a lot of watching. But as Grams says, “It is a good start for getting on with your life.

This story will stop for now…

If Elaine’s story will continue only time will tell…