Luna was laying in bed half asleep when her husband of five years came in. Jasper smiled at his beautiful wife and laid next to her. Immediately Luna nuzzled up against Jasper and caressed his face gently. He blushed and looked at her swollen belly smiling bigger, Luna looked up at him. "Someone looks happy." She said softly and smiled as she pecked his cheek, "Maybe just a little." Jasper smiled back and kissed her gently and held her hand interlocking their fingers. They stayed like that for awhile perfectly content in each others company. Throughout the past seven years together they'd been through a lot and its finally paying off. Luna looked up at Jasper surprised, "Babe I just felt the baby!"
He smiled and looked at her with love deep in his eyes, "Really?" Jasper asked surprised and looked at her belly, "Yea here." Luna took his hand and started to place it on her belly, he jerked some "Umm..." Jasper said nervously and looked at her sadly, she gasped when he jerked and looked at him. "Whats wrong babe?" He shook his head and looked down she smiled and lifted his head, "Your nervous arent you?" Luna always knew how Jasper felt he rarely had to say anything anymore. He nodded slowly she shook her head gently and kissed him, "Dont worry baby its just our little girl saying hi to us." She smiled bigger as she slowly put his hand on her stomach.
Jasper blushed as his heart raced waiting to feel her, it took a few moments when she kicked again. He gasped a little and smiled big, "I just felt her!" He said excited and kissed Luna deeply. Jasper couldnt believe this they thought they could never have kids now here they were. Throughout the pregnancy Jasper kept a close eye on Luna to make sure she was okay. At some points she had to roll her eyes and remind him that she can still do things. Ever since they met Jasper had always been very protective over Luna and its only grown since then.
To Luna she knew Jasper meant well thats why she didn't get upset when he made her relax. Sometimes he knew when she needed to rest and she never knew how he did it. When they met Luna felt something special about Jasper and knew they would be together for a long time. They were each other's world it was rare to see a married couple so close like they were. In their seven year relationship they have yet to fight not even an arguement they always talked out problems. It helped that they could understand each other so well from early on.
A few months passed and they were in the hospital waiting to meet their daughter Jasper was holding Luna's head. She was exhausted and crying when they heard her crying on the other side of the room. Jasper kissed her deeply with tears pouring from his eyes as he looked at them. Luna gently took the baby from the nurse and smiled with tears streaming down her cheeks. "We're parents babe..." She choked out as she kissed the baby's nose Jasper nodded and looked at her. Luna looked up at him and said softly, "Our little Avalon." Jasper beamed with pride as he heard his daughter's name and nodded, "Yea she's going to grow up so happy." He said half in tears as he slowly caressed her cheek, " She looks just like her mommy." Jasper smiled big and gently kissed her forehead as Luna watched him happily. She loved how he was with Avalon already the look on his face when he saw her for the first time was perfect to her.
He was a mix of shock nervousness and most of all joy and pride it warmed Luna's heart to the core. "Why dont you hold her?" She asked and held the baby out to him, Jasper blushed hard and gently took her, "I wont hurt her right?" He asked scared Luna laughed a little and smiled, "Of course not just make sure you support her head." Luna gently adjusted his arms and kissed the baby's head. "I think she'll have your eyes babe." She said happily knowing it was almost impossible. Jasper shook his head, "Theres no way baby brown eyes are all in her blood." Luna raised her eyebrow, "Questioning my intuition?" She teased as Jasper's eyes went wide, "No not at all baby just saying its almost impossible." Luna waved her finger for him to get closer.
Jasper bent down to her and she kissed him softly once they both parted they watched Avalon who was yawning. Both of them were curious as to what color her eyes would be even though Luna knew for sure. Avalon looked so happy and peaceful, Jasper was still taken aback by how much she looked like Luna. Same hair, mouth, eyebrows, facial structure they were twins. Thats what Jasper wanted a little girl that looked exactly like Luna, Luna wanted a boy that looked like Jasper. They would try for that next he thought happily as he looked at her. "We love you Avalon." Jasper said hushed and kissed her cheek Luna smiled big and added, "We do very much Avalon."
Both of them loved saying her name it finally felt real that they could finally be happy as can be. Slowly Avalon opened her eyes and looked at them with big blue eyes that sparkled. Jasper gasped and laughed a little, "You were right baby." Luna gasped when she saw her eyes and smiled big. "Something just told me she'd have your eyes." Just then the doctor came in, "Mr. Garza can I speak with you please?" He nodded and handed Avalon back to Luna and kissed them both.
In the hallway Jasper natually feared the worst and looked at him, "Whats goin on?" Jasper asked not letting his paranoia take over. The doctor looked in Jasper's eyes as he said, "Im sorry but a mistake was made during the delivery." Jasper immediately looked at Luna who was wiggling her finger at Avalon smiling happily. He took a deep breath and asked, "Are they gonna be okay?" The doctor shook his head and Jasper felt his tears form as the doctor said, " Your wife was losing a lot of blood and we had to do a transfusion as you know." Jasper nodded with tears in his eyes as he tried to hold in a scream, "The blood was bad and her body is going to reject it. She doesnt have long left." Anger filled Jasper as he shut the door looking at his family as it closed and he yelled, "Cant you do something!? This is your fault! Why would you even have bad blood here to begin with?!"
The doctor shook his head he didnt have any answers other than, "Theres nothing we can do." Jasper let his anger take over him as he grabbed the doctor and punched him in the face as he yelled, "How can I tell her that?! Do you have any idea what shes been through?!" Tears poured from his eyes as he screamed and hit the doctor as nurses tried to pull him off. Jasper's heart was breaking and there was nothing he could do, "Goddamit we were finally gonna be happy!" He screamed in agony as six nurses pulled him off and Jasper kicked the doctor in the face. "You fuckers killed my wife!" He went limp against the nurses as he began to bawl. Once they let him go he crumpled to the floor in pain they were supposed to be happy now. Everything was supposed to be okay from now on not this why was this happening to them?
Why couldnt they just be happy like everyone else? He grabbed the back of his head and hunched over half screaming in pain. This wasnt fair Avalon needed her mom she couldnt lose her so soon. What about Luna? Shes been dying to have a baby with him and now she'll never see her grow up.... Jasper wished with all his heart that he could go in her place but he couldnt. After a few minutes he had to pull himself together and get back to Luna. She would get worried he had to tell her what happened. Knowing her shed be able to see it on his face the second he got in the room. Slowly he opened the door and took a deep breath as he entered Luna was smiling at him. "What was that about baby?" Avalon was asleep in her arms as he looked down, "The doctor had to tell me something...." He trailed off Luna lifted his head to look in her eyes, "Whats wrong? Please tell me its not the baby..." She started to choke up as she looked at Avalon.
Jasper shook his head no "It's not her..." He said quietly as tears started to fall again. He wondered if he wished it was her instead of Luna but he couldnt answer he didnt want to have to choose. He still wished more than anything that it was him who would die instead of his wife. She saved his life once why couldnt he do it for her? "Babe please tell me.." Luna said desperately as she looked in her husband's eyes. She knew something was seriously wrong by the way he was acting. He closed his eyes as more tears fell and he choked out, "The hospital messed up the blood.....theres nothing they can do."
Luna sighed sadly as a few tears fell but she was relieved it wasnt Avalon. She knew Jasper would trade places with her in a heartbeat if he could. "Thats what the yelling was..." She said softly and looked at Avalon, Jasper nodded. "I beat up the doctor it took about ten people to stop it....six pulled me off him... Im so sorry..." He started crying and held Luna close as he choked out, "I dont wanna lose you I love you..." Luna caressed his face as she grew sad knowing she'd never see Avalon grow up or never grow old with Jasper. The things they faught for were all in vain it was going to end just like this. "Thats why Ive been feeling weak too." She didnt know what else to say. She didnt want to lose them either and she loved them both so much but this was just what had to be. They couldnt change what happened or what was going to happen all they could do was spend her last moments together. "How long?" Luna asked softly as Jasper kept crying, "Not long.." She nodded and held him they would only be a family for a short time before her body shut down. "Jasper?" Luna asked softly he coughed a little and looked at her. "Yea Luna?" Quickly he tried to pull himself together and wiped his eyes, "Promise me that you'll live without me. Live for our daughter and make sure she grows up happy. Please promise me." He nodded sadly, "I promise but I wont love again your the only one for me." She nodded as her tears fell again, "Deal." She said softly as her breathing became more labored, "Ive loved you more than the world Luna. Im so sorry it has to end like this I'll live for you and our little girl I promise...." The last few words were choked as she smiled and gently caressed his face. "Jasper I love you so much youve been the perfect husband to me and I know youll be the perfect father to Avalon. Im going to miss you so much."
Jasper held her closer and looked at their wedding rings, "Im going to miss you more than words Luna I'll make sure Avalon knows mommy loves her.." More tears fell as her eyes grew heavy and she said quietly, "I love you Avalon, I love you Jasper with all my heart." She kissed Avalon who smiled at her Jasper kissed Luna deeply one last time and said, "I love you too Luna with all my heart." Luna smiled and closed her eyes then she was gone...... Four years have passed and Jasper misses Luna everyday he hasn't talked to his family since he lost Luna. He's never gotten over her one day while Avalon was napping Jasper heard pounding on his door. Lying on his couch in the dark he ignored it and thought about Luna hoping she was okay. "Open the fucking door now Jasper!" It was a female voice that screamed from the other side. Jasper didnt have it in him to move he'd been grieving for Luna four years and counting. He kept his promise to Luna and stayed living for Avalon who was a happy four year old. Jasper also kept his word he hasn't loved since and doesn't plan to Luna was the only one for him. No one could fill the hole that she left behind.
The pounding on the door grew louder finally Jasper pulled himself up and hit his head against the door. More than anything he wanted scream but Avalon was sleeping he couldnt wake her up. Once he unlocked the door it flew open and he hit the floor "What the fuck Jasper!? I havent heard shit from you in four years!" As she screamed he kept trying to shush her she yelled louder, "Im not gonna shush goddam it where the fuck have you been bubba?! Luna get out here!!" At her name Jasper started to tear up and covered his face in his hands. It was his sister Star who was screaming but her voice went soft when she saw him break down. "Whats going on bubba?" She asked softly and bent down to him Jasper didnt say anything. "Daddy?"
Jasper jerked his head up to see Avalon rubbing her eyes Star's jaw dropped. "Its okay sweety this is just auntie." He quickly went over and hugged Avalon who said quietly, "Daddy your crying again." She clumsily wiped his eyes as he forced a smile "Thank you sweetheart daddy feels much better now." Star was speechless as she watched them "Bubba please tell me..." Jasper slowly nodded and picked up Avalon and sat on the couch, "Sit down sis I'll tell you everything." Star sat down and waved to Avalon, "Hi there Im your auntie Star." Avalon smiled and said, "Its nice to meet you auntie, are you my daddys sister?" She nodded "Whats your name." Avalon smiled and said, "Im Avalon mommy named me." Jasper took a deep breath and began, "Sis Im sorry for what I did I wasnt thinking but after what happened I didnt know what to do I was so lost." She looked at him, "What happened?" He shook his head "Let me put Avalon back to bed." She crossed her arms and looked at Jasper, "Are you gonna tell her where mommy is? I wanna know too." Jasper nodded as his tears started to fall again, "Why are you always so sad daddy?" She asked innocently and looked at him with her big blue eyes. "Ok well Avalon mommys in heaven." Star gasped as a tear swelled up in her eyes, "A doctor made a mistake and took her from us. Daddy is always sad because he misses her."
"Oh my God bubba...why didnt you tell me?" Jasper looked to Star and said, "I was so lost when Luna died I didnt know what to do. All I knew is that I had to take care of Avalon for her." Avalon pulled at Jasper's shirt, "Daddy?" she asked quietly he looked at her, "Yea sweetheart?" She smiled, "You have me though daddy and you always tell me how much I look like mommy." Jasper couldnt help but smile as he hugged her, "Your right I should be happy like you." Star looked at him, "Why didnt you tell me? I didnt even know you had Avalon I couldve helped you..." She said sadly, "I know sis but like I said I was so lost I barely knew my name." She nodded and hugged them both, "Im so sorry bubba." Avalon hugged Star, " I like you auntie."
Jasper cried a little in his sisters shoulder and said softly, "Lets go see mommy Ava." She smiled big a nodded, "Please daddy please." He nodded and pulled them all up, "Come on Star shes right over here." She followed Jasper to his bedroom where an urn stood on a small alter with a picture of Luna smiling in front of it. Jasper sat down with Avalon on his lap as she waved at the picture, "Hi mommy I love you." Star sat with them and smiled at Luna, "Avalon daddy's right you look just like your mommy." Jasper held both of them close and smiled at his beautiful wife Luna. "I miss you so much Luna."
It all starts a cool December night. During a smoke session with my brother in law a question came up. After he took he asked, "What made you wanna be like this? Why not just be a Butch girl and own it?" He went on to talk about a woman he knows like that while I fumbled around for words.
As the smoke lifted me up the words just wouldn't come. All I've ever wanted is to be the best little brother he didn't have. Everything in my life has to revolve around this one aspect. I hate it if I could be a regular guy I would in a heartbeat. People can never seem to look past that one thing. Tripping and stumbling over my words a memory surfaced. Christmas day we were all taking pictures. At least they all were I was just the photographer. I felt so hated so unwelcome an intruder. They welcomed my other brother in laws woman whose had cps cases. What made her so special that she got knocked up by him? Id get my girl pregnant if I could but that's another scar.
At last it was over after we left I heard mother in law say its time for the boy's picture. I looked in like a sad puppy waiting to be invited in. Only I wasn't later my wife forced them to include me. I felt so embarrassed and kept trying to get away. Back in reality I realized that there were no words to explain it. All I could manage was "It feels right I like being like this." This was the guy I looked up to. I wanted so bad to be close with him. He began to open up to me about his life. This time meant the world to me and made another memory surface.
We were walking to pick up breakfast on my way to work. We got the order and he put mine in a white paper bag. Without thinking I joked about feeling like a kid going to school. As we parted ways he yelled, "Bye little brother!" For a second I thought I misheard him. Instantly a huge smile formed on my face. It touched me to the point of tears he still doesn't know what those words meant to me.
After we finished we stood on the stairwell and he said, "I know a lot of people like you. These guys were my g's you know? One day I run into them and they're just like hey Im a girl now. These guys played football with me its hard for me to get. Why would they wanna change? Most of them had lovers too. They were all with them the entire way then once they became what they wanted they forgot who helped them there. I Don't want my sister to go through that." A fear was put in me that we would end up like them when I finished transitioning. It shook me to the core and I quickly agreed with him. "Trust me bro I would never do that to her." He nodded and replied, "You say that now I Don't see what's wrong with how you are right now. " That's when I realized he was only tolerating me just like everyone else. He jestured to me and continued, "God doesn't make mistakes." I believed the same thing just in a different way. To me it meant that Ge made everyone how they're supposed be trans or not. Honestly I believe that trans people are given a special task to find out who we really are. He on the otherhand saw it as you can't change who you were originally.
From that night on a tension was placed between us and a fear inside me. Little time passed and it looked like we were going to have the house to ourselves for almost a week. When I heard this I instantly became excited at the prospect of brother time. Getting wrecked having a party and talking a ton. Having a chance to get to know each other as men and really bond. Then I brought him in my room and he was so mad not to go he never even understood why I invited him in. He fought so hard to go. I heard that if he didn't go he'd be in downtown the entire time. Hearing all this crushed me inside out. All I wanted was a brother. What will it take? What can I do?
Very little time has passed and my heart aches. I can't even look at him let alone talk or bond. He'd be uncomfortable because he sees what I used to be. Not what I am. Still clueless on what to do I blame myself for everything. Why couldn't I just be a real man? My life would be so much easier Pinocchio got to be one. Why can't I? Being transgender ruins everything it makes me hate myself. I can't change who I am and I'll never go back to what I was.
Stuck at a crossroads
No signs
No civilization
Nothing
Only the whisper of trees
Lost at the fork
Staring at each choice
Nothing but death is certain
No clue
Muscles stiffen
Blood boils
Screams of frustration fill the air
Which way is it!?
There's no way to know for sure
Heart breaks
Pressure mounts
Suddenly a tiny tug
Lead slowly in one direction
An angel guide
With sad dark eyes
Pleading to go this way
This is the path
Resistance is futile
Just go
Greg was sitting on a bus staring out the window vacantly lost in the depths of his mind. He would see his Stacy today for the first time and butterflies swarmed in his stomach. His entire body shook with excitement and fear as he wondered what she was doing. There was an hour left til he got to where he needed to be. A beautiful seaside town there was a hotel right by the beach and he took a deep breath. It was a weak attempt to tame his butterflies but he was glad for them, they only made him think of her more. Greg couldn’t help but think back to that night the night he fell in love with her, it was late on a warm July night. They were watching a movie together over the phone it was Taken and he never felt so happy. It just felt so right with her the feeling he got he never had before it was enough to take his breath away. During a car chase he realized it as he watched the jeeps fly around four wheeling that he was in love with her. Hopelessly and utterly in love with Stacy he didn’t tell her for about a month after when he was sitting in his room. Greg just moved and was staring at his closet as they were talking then he just said it and meant it with all his being.
Stacy awoke with a giant smile on her face today was the day she almost wanted to jump out of bed she was so happy. Her nerves were the last thing on her mind today all her doubts and worries were far far away today. Today she was going to be the happiest she’s ever been because she deserved it and she really was happy. Finally she was going to meet Greg and have their perfect weekend that’s shes been looking forward to for months. They’ve had to move it four times now and it was finally going to happen. With a big smile on her face she looked at the clock she had about an hour and a half to get ready before she had to catch the bus to go into town. She put her dog on the lease and walked her outside wondering what Greg was up to even though she knew. He was thinking of her on the bus just like she was thinking of him as she walked her dog. When she got back in she showered and tried to figure out what to wear. That was one of the things that annoyed her to no end about Greg he loved her in anything. She pulled out almost everything and looked over it all when she smiled and grabbed some jean capris with a deep purple tank top and a short sleeve shirt in a lighter purple. It was perfect she knew he loved when she wore shirts like this her short sleeve shirt hung below her shoulders. She grinned and sat at her makeup desk to doll up. Stacy always loved to doll up for Greg even though he loved her with or without it. She remembered when she told him that his face turned beat red and it was one of the only times she knew she got him. Greg was always flattering her making her feel like a queen it was nice to do it to him every now and again.
Resting her head on her hand she looked in the mirror and remembered the first big surprise he pulled on her. About a week or so before she sent him pictures of her with a bear that was the same size as her. One day he called her on skype saying he had a surprise and he wore that smile the smile where he did something insane. He was known for being spontaneous to her and he always wore that smile that said I’m so guilty but you love me anyway. After a couple minutes of anticipation he told her to close her eyes. Then when she opened them a bear identical was sitting on his bed Stacy’s jaw dropped she was speechless. All she could process was Greg’s laughter because of how good he got her the only words she could muster were, “Are you serious?” His laughter only got harder as he got out a “Mhm.” She was just so awestruck no one has ever done anything like that for her before, that’s why she loved him. He did things no one else ever did and makes her feel like no one else can he meant so much to her even though he doesn’t realize it. No matter how hard she tried to get him to realize how much he means to her he never gets it. Then again she doesn’t get how much she means to him either they’re just matched that way.
Still half lost in memories and thoughts of Stacy the bus stopped and he was here the place he’s longed to be for so long. As he got off the bus bag in hand he smelled the air and smiled, a song he sang to her once came in his mind. Bestie by Jay Park, that night was another special night for them his smile grew bigger as the lyrics ran through his head. He remembered how she started to jam as he sang blushing hard praying he remembered the lyrics. The hotel was within walking distance he took a deep breath and started the short walk. All these memories flew through his head as he thought that this weekend was going to be one of the standout ones. There were only a handful of standout memories that really engraved themselves into their hearts and this was one of them. As he walked he noticed people staring they usually did he was a sight for conventional people. Greg wore black skinny jeans with a black band shirt of bring me the horizon. He also had snakebites and size zero gauges not to mention his black boots that he loved. Most people thought he was scary and he could be but deep down he was too compassionate. Only Stacy really got to see that side of him she brought out sides of him he didn’t think existed anymore. He wanted to be better for her which he never said for anyone else ever.
Boarding the bus she smiled as she sat down with the bag she packed days before out of excitement. For the short bus ride she thought about how it would be when they met there was so many things that could happen. He could be waiting in the lobby for her looking around for her curly hair. She could see him looking around and when his eyes found hers his heart would skip and they would run to each other. Or maybe shed bump into him outside and shed look down blushing until he spoke in his sweet voice. Then shed look up quickly to see his boyish smile and him rubbing the back of his neck. Her phone went off it was Greg he said he’d be late to go ahead up to the room. She sighed slightly disappointed but shed still get to see him soon. Stacy felt her heart break a little and she didn’t know why shed still see him. Gently she tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down at her black flats.
Greg smirked to himself as he sent the text, boy would she be surprised. For some reason Greg couldn’t do anything normal he was too thoughtful and creative for that. He had this planned for a long time since the first time they were going to meet. When he walked into the lobby he immediately lost all the air in his lungs. This was it, it wouldn’t be long now he walked over the front desk and waited in line. The receptionist looked at him and asked, “May I help you?” Greg nodded as he said smoothly, “I got a reservation under Greg Garza.” She nodded and typed it into the computer and handed him a room key, “Is there anything else sir?” He replied, “Yeah I have someone sharing a room with me when she comes in you didn’t see me okay? I was never here I want to surprise her.” He smiled and she nodded, “Of course sir.” He said softly, “She’s short with brown curly hair and eyes.” She nodded as he thanked her and turned around.
For the rest of the bus ride Stacy remembered another really big surprise Greg pulled on her. It was mid-December and as usual he called her on skype saying he had a surprise. He’s always been full of surprises with her. When he finally let her see this one it was a tattoo he got that day Stacy completely lost her mind. Greg was laughing again amused by his own spontaneity it was of a date that’s very special to them. Stacy gasped loudly almost screaming when she saw it and since then Greg calls it the best reaction ever. That date wasn’t the one where they admitted their love or got together for the first time or even when they met. It’s much more special than that it was the day Stacy saved Greg from himself. Since then he’s fought even harder to stay alive for her they both look at that day with a bittersweet taste in their mouths. Stacy got off the bus with a big smile and walked across the street to the hotel. When she walked through the door she looked around just in case Greg was lying but he was nowhere to be seen.
He gasped when he saw Stacy walk through the door his heart skipped like a stone on the lake and he ran to the elevators. Luckily she didn’t see him hustle off he couldn’t help but stare at her as the elevator doors closed parting them. Then Greg realized he was crying tears were pouring from his eyes and he didn’t even notice. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes he’ll see her soon once the doors opened again he looked for her. Then he realized that he was on a completely different floor he had zero time to waste. He rushed down the hall to the room and opened it then glanced up and down the hall good she wasn’t there yet. Inside he tossed his bag in the closet and felt the rings in his pocket and smiled. Any second now, he hid right by the door and waited for the beep unlocking it.
Stacy walked up to the front desk and waited for a moment, “Hello how may I help you?” It was the same receptionist that Greg and she immediately recognized the description. Stacy tucked some hair behind her ear and asked with her delicate voice, “Reservation for Greg Garza.” She looked at him and nodded, “He called ahead and said a woman was checking in, here you go.” She handed Stacy a room key she thanked her and went into the elevator and looked down as it rose up to the third floor. Once she got out she pulled her bag behind her and went to the room. She took a deep breath and unlocked the door.
Greg heard the door beep and slowly open he almost froze but quickly pulled her inside. She screamed as Greg lifted her up and pinned her against the door. Their eyes met and sparks flew harder than ever as they gazed in the other’s eyes and let a few tears fall. Then Greg pulled her into the kiss he’d be dreaming of for so long and it was just like he’d always imagined just better. Stacy couldn’t believe it she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer. It was the perfect kiss that lasted forever.
Dear Grammy,
I miss you so much and I’m sorry I didn’t call. Every day I regret what I did to you and I only hope you forgive me. Throughout my life I did you so much wrong and I wish I could take it all back. There was so much I still needed to say and do with you. I should have been there for you and I should’ve called more I wasn’t there for you and I should’ve been. The least I could’ve done is be there for you when I know you needed me. Now that a year has passed I don’t know what was going on in my head why I would act like that. I let bad people give me an ultimatum and I shouldn’t have done that but I did. If I could ever turn back time there’s so much I would change but I can’t. All I can do is pray that you forgive me and that you’re happy wherever you are.
I hope you’re watching over me and you’ll listen to all the things I still need to tell you. The first is the one I was too afraid to tell you when I found out but even though you know now I want to tell you myself. I’m transgender that means I’m a man I just got the wrong body. I’ve always thought of it as God gave people like me a special mission to see if we can find who we really are. I was lucky enough to realize it fairly young I just wish I would’ve told you to your face you deserved that much.
You deserved a lot I didn’t give you, you were an amazing grandmother and I never told you. When you were here I took you for granted and I shouldn’t have I always knew you were an amazing grandma I just didn’t tell you enough. To you I could never do any wrong by you and I was so focused on how we never really clicked. We didn’t have much in common and I felt bad about it when I was younger I thought you had an image of me I could never live up to. I know that’s not true now I was stupid then. I also realized that I wasn’t as bad to you as I thought I still tried.
There were things I did that I didn’t like because it made you happy. Like some of the movies or shows I watched and I know you weren’t always the biggest fan of some of the things I liked either. That’s how we showed we loved each other we did what made the other happy. I just realized it too late…. You left too soon there was so many things I wanted you to see. I wanted you to see me get my GED and get married. See what you think about the woman I decided to marry. Right now I think I met that one and you’ll never meet her you’ll never tell me what you think of her. I know you’d love her though you two would get along amazingly. I love you Grammy and I miss you so much.
I really wish I knew how you feel about everything I told you but I won’t know until I die. I’m not going to lie I always thought it would be sooner than later but I know that’s wrong. I probably won’t see you for at least half a century and that’s how you want it. I want to get a tattoo for you I’m going to get a pink sugar skull with a lighthouse on it for you. Since pink was your favorite color and you loved the ocean.
There’s a lot we have to miss out on now that you’re gone but I know it’ll be ok. It still hurts that you’re gone but I know you aren’t suffering anymore. That’s the only thing that gives me any comfort sometimes I see women who look or smell like you and I miss you all over. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it but I cared a lot more about you than I led on. Every time I see one of those women I always stare at them probably I hope that it’ll be you. I know there’s no logic but my heart takes over in those situations and I can’t help it. Part of me thinks that you send them so I know you’re still watching me and you want to help me. Sometimes I wonder why you don’t visit me does it make you sad to see what I do to myself? Are you uncomfortable because of who I am?
When my life gets better and I stop doing all the bad things I really hope you’ll visit me. I’d really love to see you. I realize that I don’t remember your voice anymore and it hurts you were such a big part of my life. Now I can’t even remember how your voice sounded. I promise that once I can get to Pa I’ll visit you again and make sure you’re okay. So until then Goodbye Grammy I wish I could give you lovins again but I’ll have to do it in my heart.
I love you
Eli
One of the last things she said still ran through my head. It was late May and I'd just broken up with my girlfriend of a year. Heartbroken I was moving back north tomorrow. We were sitting on her bed as I packed when she said it “well I guess you're not Ivan anymore Ingrid.” Tears fell from my face how could she say that? Why would she say that to me? She was the one who helped me find myself. Now here she was taking away from me. Over my dead body was I gonna let her do that. Not after all the things she put me through I'll he damned.
The next day I was gone I can still see her face as I shut the door. We blew one last kiss to each other and her eyes were cold but hurt. Just like that the door was shut and that was the end. I spent the whole time at the airport crying. People gawked at me but never asked if I was okay. “home” or so it was supposed to he called turned out to he a war zone. Not just the outside but inside as well. I was fighting for Ivan. No one accepted it they wouldn’t even try. All I ever heard was Ingrid this she that daughter this and her that. Each one was a blow to me I was so confused for so long. Everything I thought I knew got thrown into question. Was it all a lie? Did someone brainwash me? Who am I? What am I? Constant questioning took it's toll and I took to am old habit. When I started I learned fast to be resourceful. At this point I could do it with so many different things if need be. After it was dark out or my parents left for a while I'd bring it out. My razor my friend I went from zero to eight in a week with a hiding spot for each one. Part of me thought that I was done with all that. Guess I was wrong whenever something gets rough that's my go to.
I'm a nobody no one cares what I do no one notices either. So I just had at it and did what I felt I needed to letting the burning and pain take me away. Ingrid was dead and Ivan was alive and breathing notice how i dont say well. Since I restarted the longest I went without it was about two weeks or so. Which brings us to now, me laying in bed alone remembering things. Most of which are honestly better forgotten. Now Im all alone again no one is around to help me. I do have a significant other since I cant really say shes my girlfriend for reasons. We arent technically together which is fine with me I dont mind waiting so much. Shes the only person Im actually willing to wait for I could never do that for someone else.
Just then my phone rang and I let out a groan as I listen to the lyrics "Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper." A sigh escapes me as I finally decide to look at the screen "Belle belle...." My sister perfect just what I need today. Darling Annabelle who only seems to talk about herself and ignores me the few times I try to talk. Sure shes apologized for not being the sister she should and not being there but her words dont mean much if anything. Theres no action thats all they are is words and empty promises. Despite that though she is family and Ill never ignore her I never could no matter what happens. I hit the answer button "Yeah?" I asked monotone "Bubba come to my place theres someone I want you to meet!" Already I knew where this was going, "Fine." I answered "Great I love you dear brother." Yeah right I thought to myself as I let out an "Mmm" and hung up. Slowly I got up and started to change. Well thats just peachy this is just what I wanted to do with my afternoon. My darling sister has a new asshole she wants me to meet. These always end the same way and it only happens one of two ways. The first being I have an instant dislike for him and clock him a few times hoping to get some sense in him. Second being I dont hate him but he hurts my sister and I beat him senseless until he needs an ambulance.
All I want for my sister is a decent guy so she wont get pissed at me when I have to beat him. She has no idea that she deserves so much better than what shes getting with these losers. Annabelle and I arent blood but were as family as family can ever get were closer than most blood. I remember a long time ago she said she had a crush on me once. Then she made it like it was nothing but a waste of her time that made me feel great. I dont often emote well so she never knew I was hurt by the way she described it and I dont let it get to me. Id be a pussy if I let that get to me I cant let it but the thing is my whole life Ive been treated like Im nothing and I dont like reminders of it. Me and my sister have an interesting relationship its of a love hate variety if I guessed. She acts like we have an endearing and blindly loving relationship in her mind we might but in mine we dont. We cant stand each other and fight like crazy but at the same time we love each other and well always have the others back.
The first thing I threw on was my skinny jeans I pulled out my stupid binder and a black t shirt. For a moment I looked at myself in the mirror wearing my binder. And in that moment I can say that I truly hated myself. When I saw my reflection I felt like such a fraud like I would never be seen as who I am so why the fuck am I bothering? No matter what I did how I sounded or how I dressed I never passed I always had to correct them cause all I get is miss or she. Some days I dont wanna do it anymore I cant seem to go on it all seems like a waste and Id be better off gone. Im so sick of seeing other people like me so happy without a care in the world. Why cant I be like that? Why cant it all go my way for a change? Dont I deserve it too or should I just suffer on and like it? Any little hope or so called happiness has come with a huge catch always no matter what it was. Anger filled me within an instant and I couldnt hold in my rage anymore. Without thinking I just pulled my arm back and punched myself right in the temple. Only it made me ever madder so I did it over and over again. After about eight hits I was a little dizzy and delirious thats when I decided not to hit myself any more. Good to know the money I spent on different martial arts classes was well spent. Knowing me I gave myself yet another concussion only the millionth or so in my lifetime.
Deciding to say hell with it I figured itd be a good idea to drive anyway since Ive drove under worse conditions. Putting on my black beanie and combat boots I left and greeted my Honda in the driveway. My Honda was very nicely tuned so I can drive it and race it which I loved to do too bad I dont know any racers here. I got in and started to drive over to my sisters' lucky for her Im a short drive away so I can hurry if she needs me, I made it there in one piece and parked.
Looking at my sister's place I tried to find out how I was feeling or how I should act. Nothing came to mind right away so I guessed I would find out soon enough when I walked through her door. One thing was for damn sure though I sure as hell wasnt happy or excited about this only because I know how this was gonna go down. Rubbing my face I let out a "Ughh." I made my way to her apartment door and waited for a moment before I decided to kick it with my boot. A few moments passed when I heard my darling sister run to the door with her little feet.
When she opened it I was greeted with a giant smile and a big hug from her. I glanced over her shoulder and saw a guy relaxed on the couch looking me up and down. Here we go again I thought to myself as she pulled me inside and said happily, "Bubba I want you to meet Duncan and Duncan this is my brother Ivan." He looked almost amused at me when she said my name he didnt move or say anything so I went over to him and looked him dead in the eye, "Listen....douche bag was it? Here's how its gonna work your gonna get up and shake my hand like a man or Im gonna pull your ass up and make you a woman." Belle belle threw her head back and groaned out, "Not this again Ivan cant you be nice?" Without breaking eye contact with him I replied "Not if he cant show common manners and shake my hand." At this he stood up and Im a short guy so he was fairly above me at 6'3 but I didnt let him think it was an advantage. I extended my hand to him but he ignored it "Who do you think you are? You dont know shit about me yet you try to judge me?? Look at you!!" My sister hurried and pulled him back but I got directly in his face "What about me exactly?" He glared through my eyes as Annabelle kept trying to pull us apart "Duncan babe please dont answer that lets just start over ok?"
He pushed her away and she hit the floor as he yelled, "You look like a goddam girl you belong in a fucking dress tranny." That was like the bell going off for a fight a smirk came on my face as I clocked him in the mouth. He grabbed his jaw and looked at me surprised, "Now whose the girl fucker?!" The guy kicked me hard in the knee and sent me down with him and we started to struggle. We were rolling around on the floor grunting bumping into things and punching at each other. Throwing punches I decided to elbow him hard in the ribs and he groaned in pain as we kept going he got in a few punches. Most of our punches didnt do much damage he got me in the face a couple times and I hit him in the nose and broke it. Annabelle was freaking out and crying begging us to stop. Unable to hear my sister in pain I kicked him away and stood up "I dont want you near my sister ever again or I will fucking end your existence." He looked at me and I flashed a pocket knife I always keep on hand just in case. Slowly he got up holding his bleeding nose and left after he was gone I hit the floor again. Annabelle looked at me surprised "Ivan are you okay?"
Concern was in her voice as she knelt next to me "Yea just my bad knee." She looked at me and sighed "If you werent my brother Id beat you senseless." Then she hugged me "I know sis I started with him but he has zero respect I wont let you near guys like that." Hugging me tighter she said softly " I know bubba I just wish I could find a good one so we wouldnt have to do this." I nodded and gently hugged her back and kissed her head just then a shot of loneliness shot through me and I looked down. I was thinking of Sherelle who was so far away and all I wanted was for her to be here with me but it seems like she never will be. Sherelle is the woman Im in love with and whenever I get lonely its because I miss her and just want her here. "Wanna go to my place Ill order a pizza?" I asked and slowly tried to stand up "Yea Id love to brother dearest but is your knee okay?' I collapsed under the pain and said "Guess not....I dont feel good sister dear." Next thing I know she was slapping me half in tears and I looked at her dizzily, "You passed out! Were going to the er now!" For once I wasnt going to fight or argue with her my body mustve gone into shock. Annabelle pulled me up and helped me to my car, "You know I couldve got here myself sis." She glared at me and replied sharply, "Shut up and buckle up Im driving your car." Raising my eyebrows I said half amused "Im only buckling up because your behind the wheel try not to wreck it too bad now." She shot me another look and slugged my arm, "Your so lucky your hurt or Ima fucking kill you." A small laugh escaped me "Sure sis just like Ima beat your ass." Rolling her eyes she replied. "Shut up fucker."
After a few minutes of driving with screamo blasting enjoying each others company we reached the hospital. Opening my door I hopped out and held on the door as my sister scoffed, "Forever fucking stubborn brother." Annabelle came over and grabbed me "Sis what the fuck? Im fine dont hurt yourself." I struggled against her some "But bubba if you struggle Ill get hurt and you dont want that do you? Please cooperate this once for me?" The she flashed her sad eyes at me I groaned loudly and mumbled "Fine." As I let her help me inside the woman at the counter told her she could grab a wheelchair while I signed in. When she got back she smiled and said "Sit down dear brother Im back." I looked at her and sat down "Do I get to wheel myself or will you do that too?" Belle raised her eyebrow and asked "What do you think?" Hanging my head down and slumping back I sighed and replied, "Just this once." She wheeled me over to the empty sitting area and sat next to me looking at me concerned, "What?" Belle shook her head and I face palmed myself "Darling sister I promise you Im ok." It only took a couple minutes for us to get called back Belle belle pushed me back and they took my vitals then showed us to a room. Once on the bed I turned on the tv and started flipping through "All chick shows what the fuck?" Belle grabbed the clicker "Let me see." She turned on Coraline and tossed me the remote "There something we both like."
"I love you sis." She crawled next to me in bed and laid against me "I love you too bubba." I wrapped my arms around her and we watched the movie in silence. A while passed when the doctor came in and I muted the tv "So what seems to be the problem?" He asked and looked at both of us, "I got my right knee messed up pretty good." He looked at it and I winced a little, "Wow that sure is a doozy what happened?" I cleared my throat and replied, "I got in a fight." He nodded and asked " Are you in alot of pain?" I shook my head no and Annabelle looked at me " Dont lie to be macho!"
"Im not lying it really dont hurt." I looked at her as the doctor chuckled "Alright well miss Im sorry but Ill need you off the bed with what we need to do." She crawled out and pouted "Dont worry by the sound of that Ill be in pain soon." Glaring she replied " Thats not a good thing asshole I cant stand to see you in pain." The doctor watched us entertained " Well you two are obviously close siblings, now you dislocated your knee pretty good and we need to put it back in place." I groaned out "Fuuuccckkkk.." The doctor glanced at my paper and asked "You dont want pain medicine? Are you sure?" I looked at him and replied "Nooo doc Im good thanks." He nodded and waved a nurse in "Well you certainly are a tough one."
My sister took out her phone quickly as they started prepping for it "Sis what on earth are you doing?" She looked at me as she put the phone to her ear "Calling Sherelle we should tell her what happened." My eyes went wide "No! Dont do that! Why now?! The fuck just wait!" Annabelle kissed my cheek and rested her hand on mine and started talking to her, "Sherelle?..... Its Belle.... bubba is in the er..."Then they put my knee back in place and I screamed in pain. My sister looked at me terrified and started tearing up as I slumped back breathing heavily. All I could hear was Sherelle freaking out on the other end I pointed to the trashcan. The nurse gave it to me and I puked in it as Annabelle kept watching me as I fell back against the bed and glared at my sister. They wrapped my knee "Sis what made you think now was a good time to do that?" I asked weakly and she shrugged as her tears fell "Ive never heard you scream like that...." I reached for the phone and hugged her as I prepared for what was about to come which was probably the worst.
It was when I was seventeen or so and I dropped out of high school after last year after something happened. Life was getting to be too much for me anymore and I was put on anti depressants. No one around me cared what I was going through especially my parents no one cared what I did or if I needed help. Which to be honest I did need help but I had no support. Just like when I was younger they left me alone and let me do whatever to them I didn't really exist. At that point I had no one to stop me from doing something dumb or to even give a shit if something happened to me. So one night I decided enough was enough and I was done with everything. Id tried to end it all a handful of times before Id guess around five or six by this point and each was a miserable failure. Seeing another opportunity I decided to take it I went into the bathroom with all my pill and shut the door my parents were out at the time. There was no emotions at all like you hear how some cry or they're happy, for me there was nothing just numbness that was it. That was when I started to swallow pills hand fulls at a time I took about 85 which was basically my whole months prescription. When I got to the last bottle I left a few pills inside and decided to go to the couch and relax. Before I even left the bathroom I was already delirious hardly able to understand what was going on around me.
All I remember was laying on the couch waiting to die by myself without anyone to miss me or mourn me. Funny thing about life though we're born we die alone no one dies with us usually but for some reason very few want to live alone. After a little while I dont remember how long I just know it was dark out, I puked on myself and went back to the bathroom half out of my mind. Not really thinking straight I took a chunk off my shirt and dropped it on the floor then changed my shirt and fell asleep. Dont ask me how long I was out for all I remember is black sleep thats it. Everything was dark and there was nothing part of me thought I was dead and thats what was waiting for me. I woke up exhausted and slept for a good three, four days only waking up when I had to and I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. If I was awake I was falling asleep but you wanna know the sad part in all this?
I lived with my parents and they were never once concerned in a way they just left me to die. If your kid looked like I did at the time youd have their ass in the er asap. Not mine though my dad was medically trained you cant tell me he didnt know what i did he just didnt care. Any other human being whether it be parent relative or stranger wouldve done something probably wouldve had my stomach pumped clean. Most days I wish I wouldve died that night but Im just not that lucky....
"Babe?! Oh my God babe what happened? Whats going on are you ok? Please say something Ivan....." Sherelle was crying and panicking she mustve heard me I wanted to hit my sister so bad for causing this. "Baby ssshhhh its okay I promise. All that happened was I beat up one of my sister's losers and the asshole kicked my knee out. You know why I dont take pills so I didnt have any pain killers in me which is why I yelled." I felt my eyes crossing some from the pain probably I laid back and tried to relax as the nurse put the brace on. Annabelle was clinging to me like a small child as I tried to get Sherelle to calm down. After what seemed like forever I finally got her calm and she said quietly, "Ok babe I believe you....I love you."
"I love you too Sherelle." Then I hung up I had a pet peeve of telling those I care about that I love then before we part ways. Those were the last words I said to my nana when she was alive and it helped a lot after she was gone. Now I say it just in case something happens and we never talk again. Still hanging off me Annabelle kept apologizing "Sister dear please calm down I said its ok dont worry." I lifted her with me as I stood up "Bubba your knee!!" I shook my head, "Im fine see?" Lifting her over my shoulder she screamed "Put me down you know I hate heights! Im gonna get sick!!" Slowly I put her down and kissed her head, "Believe me now?" She nodded and clung to my arm as we left "You drive." I told my sister and handed her the keys she already knew what that meant I was gonna be thinking again. Thats how I spend most of my time anymore thinking about different things. My life was okay for once I had my sister close my awesome car and I could skateboard whenever. There was just one thing missing and it was one of the most important to me......Sherelle.
Facing facts and as much I didnt want to admit it I need her. Just then I went back to when I told her that it was the only time Ive ever told anyone we were just talking and I told her but she didnt say it back. Part of me worried I still do since shes never told me its a given I guess. Its just one of many things I need to hear once in awhile but never do. Im not the type to say I need to hear certain things I just hope that one day Ill hear them. Whenever it comes to Sherelle and I theres endless things to think about. So much to worry about so much to hope for now though all of that is out the window she was over a thousand miles away. Angry I punched the door hard and sighed Annabelle looked at me terrified "Bubba?" I looked at her with obvious pain in my eyes "It dont take much for me to be happy.....so why cant I be?" Silence filled the car she never did answer me I mean how could she? There really wasnt an answer that anyone could give to that. Right now there were few things keeping us apart now; making sure my sister was safe and all the fears I have. One blink later I was with my ex again and we were starting to get intimate she was putting unnecessary attention at my chest yet again she knows I hate it. This always ruined the mood for me I hated when she started that shit and it only got worse she wondered why I wasnt into it. It started with my chest then what I could and couldnt do to her which was a long list she saw me as a lesbian nothing more. I wasnt a man to her and I could never be man enough for her. That lesson sunk deep into me she never said it out loud but it was pretty obvious thats all I was to her. No matter what I do or what I have done I ll never be man enough for anyone. What if all this wasnt meant to last and it was just a fantasy that I was only setting myself up for pain? The thing is though shes worth the pain shes worth hurting severely for. Still lost in the past I heard all of my exes complaints....
"Come back brother please!" A few slaps brought me back to now Bel was looking at me "You ok? You were gone really long this time." Calmly I looked at her and said with fierce determination. after I hit the dash "Ive fucking had it all this is too goddam much." Lighting up a cigarette I continued after a drag, "Life is a fucking sick joke and we need to make some changes. Enough with letting people deal out bullshit we need to fight back more. That means you too sister I ll teach you how." She looked at me confused "Well there is one guy I like a lot." Part of me felt defeated and wanted to slam my head against the dash instead I looked at her, "Okay?" My sister started to get all weird and parked outside my place "I fell for him brother his name is Trey. Im afraid to tell him what if I scare him off?" Flicking my last cigarette outside I pulled out the pack and offered her one which she took, I loved my Marlboro blacks. As I lit mine I tossed her the lighter as we sat inside my car with the windows down relaxing. "Like I just said dont deal with bullshit including fear you gotta tell him." Taking a long drag and letting it out I continued, "Go call him and meet up ok?" Bel nodded and dumped some ash out the window "Okay bubba." We sat in silence again and smoked I always transported somewhere when I smoked its why I havent quit yet.
It was the old house where I lived there alot with nana I loved living with her she was the closest person who actually could understand me. One day I swiped a pack of pal mals from the carton in the cupboard. Some times Id be standing on the back porch smoking in the cool winter air, others Id be on the bathroom floor hanging out. My favorite was relaxing in the dining room watching some Roseanne and puffing away but there were times Id hide out in the basement and light up. Stubbing it out I looked at my sister "Ready to go inside?" She nodded as we got out "I think I ll call him now."
"Okay sis want me to leave you alone?" She shook her head no so I sat on the hood of my car and took out a small bag from my pocket and looked at it longingly. The guy mustve answered because she got all nervous and started talking I opened the bag and took out the rings inside. It took me forever to find these rings but they were perfect. They were a set of couple rings and I slowly held one up and looked at it sadly you can say I was torturing myself in a way I was. By looking at them though it made me think of her..... Sherelle she makes me so happy but I just missed her so much all I want is her here with me nothing in the universe would make me happier.
"Bubba?" Annabelle asked and tapped me, surprised I cleared my throat and looked at her, "Whats that?" she asked gesturing to the rings "Oh umm just a set of couple rings for me and Sherelle." A warm smile spread on her face as she hugged me tight, "Im meeting him in an hour I need to get ready." Shaking my head I sighed, "Ok well order the pizza to your place and I ll tell you how pretty you are." She nodded and we both got back in as she drove I called for the pizza. Once at her place she pulled me inside and pushed me on the couch then ran to her room to gather an outfit "Sit there I ll be back." I relaxed and turned on the tv. Id be waiting awhile. While I waited I looked at my phone and smiled at a picture of Sherelle. Most days I wonder how she got so beautiful then I realize that shes an angel. I feel like shes an angel sent from heaven just for me. "What do you think of this?" Instead of her usual jeans and band shirt she had a dark purple spaghetti strap dress on with black designs all over it with her hair down and black strappy heels. My sister looked beautiful she even had a black rose in her hair, "Youre gorgeous sis hes a lucky guy and he better not forget it." I smiled at her, "I got the prettiest sister around." She blushed and smiled back "Up or down." We both know how this was going to play out "Up." She put her hands on her hips "But he likes it down." Smirking I replied "Ok then have it down." She sat next to me and crossed her legs then there was a knock at the door. " I got it." I said as I stood up and limped to the door, "Brother darling arent you in pain?" Annabelle asked worried as I paid him and got the pizza, "I ll walk it off." A small laugh escaped me as I put the pizza on the table and sat down. "Why dont you smile more? Ive never seen you genuinely happy the closest Ive seen is when you skateboard or talk to Sherelle."
I sighed and looked down, "Thats because Im not happy I need her sis I honest to God do." We ate in silence from then on, with Daria on we sat and watched contently. Thats how I always felt with my sister....content, after a while and the pizza was gone she asked, "What time is it?" Glancing at my watch I replied, "Quarter to four." Annabelle thought a moment "Should I leave now?" I shrugged like I would know or care. She stood up and went back to her room again for a couple minutes. As I waited I did what I always did thought about things. My mind went back to Sherelle and what she was doing.
Finally something snapped in my head and I just couldnt handle any of this anymore. Without thinking I stood up and slammed my hand on the table like they do in soap operas. "Thats it I cant fucking take it anymore! Im fucking tired of this bullshit sis get your fucking ass out here now!" Within a minute she was out looking at me weird "Annabelle I cant fucking take it Im going on a road trip and Im trusting you to be safe while Im gone do you understand me?!" Bel nodded and asked "Where are you going to?" I looked at her and said "Im bringing Sherelle home where she belongs."
"Are you serious!? Thats crazy are you gonna tell her?" Annabelle said surprised "No Im not gonna fucking tell her wheres the spontanity in that?" She shook her head "Bubba the last thing you need is to be more damn spontanious, when are you going?" More than anything I wanted to say right the fuck now this second but I couldnt. There was too many loose ends that needed tightening before I could go. "After your date in case the fucker hurts you then Ill hurt him." She nodded and hugged me tight against her "Let me guess your gonna skateboard and pack while Im with Trey?" The way she said his name made me roll my eyes to the ceiling. He better not hurt her I could tell she really cared about this one which is a little rare to have.
"And?" I asked raising an eyebrow Belle put her hands on her hips and her eyes directly in mine and said with a sarcastic tone, "And to call you the minute we part so you know Im ok and blah blah blah." Nodding in approval I replied equally smart, "Good and dont you fucking forget it." Annabelle hugged me again "Im gonna go now try to stay out sight this time." My sister knew me so well "Hey your the only one that ever actually sees me. Now be careful ok Ill be there soon I love ya." Belle got her purse and smiled happily "Ok bubba well be at the park I love you too dearest brother." We both walked outside as I locked the door behind me and watched as she pulled out and drove off.
Spending time with my sister isnt exactly my favorite thing in the world to do but shes family. What can you do? My stomach started flipping every which way....great I know where this is goin. Anxiety was attacking hard from all sides. From my guts too my throat everything was shaking literally and I knew why. This happens every time something big is about to happen and I was nervous. Looking down at my shakin hands I tried to breath slowly. Everything would ok or at least thats what I was telling myself. Theres so many things running around and spinning through my mind. All of the old fears came back again and hit me hard. So many things were wrong with me especially with what Sherelle wants in life. What if I cant give it to her? I dont want that for her and science will probably be too late for me to be able to give her what she wants. A family..... I want to give her that more than anything but due to obvious reasons I cant and it breaks my heart.
Within the next day the true test of our love will begin and I might not be happy with the answer. In a way I kinda wished I already knew the answer of whats gonna happen. Back in my car I drove over to my plave as all these thoughts kept swimming through my brain. What if she left me what would I do? What if love really isnt always enough to beat anything? Even though the last thing I want is a broken heart I have to put all on the line. Whether I want to or not I kinda have to if I wanna hit the jackpot. With love you always have to go for broke in some way at one point or another. No matter how much you bet or how broke you go you can always lose your ass nothing is guarenteed. Love is the one addiction that almost everyone has, everyone wants it and theyll do anything for it.
Inside my place I grabbed my black duffle bag and threw it on the bed then sat down. How long should I even pack for? Fuck if I know. I slowly got up and looked around then started to toss in some clothes. Lucky for me all I wear is black with a little navy blue and dark red so I dont have to match much. Then I went to my bathroom and got my stuff from in there my soap towel brush deoderent and spray. Check. There really wasnt much I needed when I really thought about it. Taking a deep breathe I grabbed one of my knives and tossed it in, one too many trans related horror stories I never left home without one. Glancing around I saw my guitar staring at me Ive had it since I was fourteen.
No matter how many times I tried or how hard I worked at it I could never get the hang of it. I guess Im just not meant to play it so now it just stares at me. I could never sell it though I dont have the heart Im too attached to it. After everything was loaded I grabbed the bear I bought for her awhile back and put it in the passenger seat. Right before I finished I tossed my spare skateboard in my trunk and went back inside.
My place is as empty as its ever been but when I get back hopefully itll be fuller than I can ever imagine. There was a calm silence that filled my house now. Everything was actually neat for once or at least neat to my standards. Finally I shut the door behind me I might not have to be alone anymore when I open it the next time. The prospect left me with a giant smile on my face as I got in my car. With everything loaded in and packed up it was time to head over to the park. Once I got there I looked around and saw her under a tree smiling. The guy she was with I assumed was Trey her smile put me at ease.
I pulled my board and helmet out of the trunk which is the only things I needed to skate. The only protection I used was a black helmet with energy drink stickers all over it. My board was a darkstar since Ive always had a soft spot for them since I started.
To look casual I rode around some to warm up and kept an eye on them as I skated up the path. After a couple minutes of skating around I did a kick flip. If I was going to be believable I needed to do tricks even though I wasnt a pro yet. There was just something about skateboarding that helped me. It calmed me down I did a pop shuv it and landed it then skated around a bend. Thats when I realized I havent thought about cutting yet today. I didnt even take the time to make sure I had one packed. Nailing a heel flip I knew I had one in my wallet but I didnt wanna use it yet.
Usually I wanted to use it at least six or seven times if not more but not today. The urge hasnt really come up yet I heard a laugh pierce through the air and looked at my sister. She was wearing a big smile again and I took a sigh of relief. At least she was happy for a change my Belle needed it. God knows she hasnt had it easy. Just like how I havent either I guess thats why were good siblings. We have that understanding with each other.
Belle doesnt really fully understand me only one person can do that. Like how I probably dont fully understand my sister either there are just some things we cant understand. Thats with everyone though I decided to sit in the grass and take a break. As I looked up at the sky I began second guessing my decision to do this. After all would Sherelle really want this? Would she be ready for me to take her away? Then that familiar urge started to kick in I knew it was only a matter or time.
Maybe I could do it once before I go to hold me over for awhile. If my sister found out though there would be a brand of hell to pay. Slowly I got up and skated over to the bathroom and ducked in a stall. Safe inside the bathroom by myself I rolled up my sleeve. It held scars on the middle of my forearm. All self inflicted and needed for my own sanity and mental health. There was a reason I wont quit but Im the only one that knows it. No one would understand it would just sound insane to them when its really not. I sat on the toilet and held my beat up bill a bond wallet in my hand. Just once wont hurt anything right?
I took out my blade it was spawned from an old shaving razor I broke apart. That was the trickiest thing harvesting the blades without cutting up your fingers. As I sat in the dirty mens room alone I looked around and held my blade close. Nothing too fantastic was written or drawn on the walls just the usual tags and phone numbers. Part of me hesitated as I gently put the blade against my skin and looked at it.
A thought passed through my head what would Sherelle do when she saw my scars? Hopefully she would be like most people and just ignore them but I know she wont. Sherelle isnt like that at all shes too genuine and caring thats one of the things that attracted me to her.
Could I really do this? Im supposed to be excited for the next two days unable to contain my joy. Yet here I am with a blade in my hand about to cut myself like so many times before. Letting out a slow sigh I couldnt hesitate anymore the guilt was eating at me. The blade pressed harder against my skin and I slit it across my arm. Blood didnt poor immediately from the wound like you see in movies instead it took a minute. I liked how it felt and how the new cut looked. Just one more cut wont hurt anything right Im already going to hell. Underneath the fresh cut I slit my pale flesh again and before I could tell myself just one more I put my blade back to sleep in my wallet. Before I could do more damage than what Ive already done to myself.
Once upon a time my blades were my closest friends they were always there for me. Never once did I have to worry about them answering they were just there without strings. I cared for them deeply so much so that I actually personified them. My favorite even had a name, baby dispare thats the one I keep in my wallet so its always with me. The blood started to drip on the floor and I quickly grabbed some toilet paper. There wasnt a chance in hell itd clot with just this but I keep gauze in my trunk just in case. As I pressed it to my now bleeding cuts the paper almost instantly turned red but itd do me til I get to the car. Just then I heard someone come in the bathroom and start talking.
"Fuck Annabelle how can I tell you how I truly feel?" He sounded on the verge of tears if he wasnt crying already as I opened the stall with my board in hand. It was Trey and he looked at me in surprise as he "itched" at his eyes, "So your Trey." I said simply and looked at him emotionless "Tell me how do you feel about her?" One of my eyebrows raised as his look of shock grew, "Howd you know my name? Who are you?" He stammered and I replied cooly, "I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Now answer the question." His eyes dropped and he said nervous. "Well Im in love with this amazing girl and Im so scared to be hurt by her."
Looks like we might actually have a decent one for once thank God. I dont think I could get in another fight today with the way my body has been. "And her name is Annabelle huh? How bout we strike up a deal." Trey looked at me slowly and nodded, "Im her brother and you never saw me in here understand? Now I dont hate you yet which is rare so if you never saw me I'll help you out. First off I saw how happy you make her out there and Im gonna give you some advice. Dont even think of hurting my sister if you do we will have a problem and I like to fight. You cant hide from me either I will find you. With that said I want you to tell her how you feel dont be afraid anymore ok? Trust me." I patted his back and walked out, "Dont forget man you never saw me." Bel was sitting under the tree still smiling to herself as she waited for him.
Then I noticed the trail I was leaving on the ground, "Shit." I said to myself as I dropped my board and hopped on, I ollied onto a rail and 50-50ed it to the parking lot. Luckily I could see my car it was close by. I really shouldnt cut in public anymore its too troublesome. Fumbling my keys I unlocked the trunk and grabbed the gauze and medical tape cussing to myself silently. I peeled off the now soaked red toilet paper and tossed it in my trunk. After I placed the gauze on the cuts I put the tape on it should clot in no time now. A voice in my head said I should leave now while I still had the balls to do this. Tossing my skateboard and helmet in the trunk I took a deep breath.
Theres no turning back now I have to do this, no matter what I had to. I got in and rested my head on the steering wheel and looked at the bear. I'll never forget when I got it for her. She sent me a picture a few days before of her with one just like it and I decided to hunt one down. When I found it I video called her and asked if she was ready for her surprise she nodded all smiles. Then I put the bear on camera and said "Look what I found for you." All that was on her face was utter shock her jaw dropped and the first words out of her mouth were, "Are you serious?"
Meanwhile I was so amused by her reaction I couldnt help laughing.
That was the first time in a long time I really laughed and Im not surprised she was the cause. What if all this is too much though? What if this is too fast for her and she turns me away? A few tears escaped at these thoughts there was so many ways this could go wrong. Am I really ready for this? Can I really put it all on the line again after what happened before?
As much as I hated to do it I was making Sherelle pay for what my ex did to me. I hated it but it was true and Im trying so hard to stop but I dont know if Im getting any better. Shes been paying for it sinch I broke up with my ex Sherelle deserves so much better than me. My ex was probably one of the worst girlfriends in history she did everything she could to hurt and break me. By the end I was basically a pet and she discarded me when she was done with me. After I was so lost like a dog whose food dish got moved to the other side of the house.
Still half lost in memories of torment and possible new despair my phone went off. Without needing to even look I already knew who it was and what was going on. Looking at the screen confirmed my assumption it was darling Bel Bel. That was the last thing I was in the mood for right now. I tossed my phone on the passengers side and kicked the door with my good leg. "Sis get it through your head! I dont fucking care!!" I screamed and hit my head against the steering wheel. Letting out a groan I knew I needed to get out of here. Within the next few minutes my sister would drag Trey to the parking lot and tap on my window. Then with a new glee filled attitude wil freak about Trey's confession to her. Part of me was so sick of all this, this routine we now have.
My sister is so self centered it drives me insane to the point I wonder why I stick around. Like right now if she found out I cut myself shed yell at me then talk about how that makes her feel. Over the years shes tried to change and it worked some but she always went back to her old ways. Theres so much running through my head the last thing I need is her shit. Quickly I threw my car in reverse and backed out then sped off I needed to be alone and figure shit out. Just to rethink everything hopefully she wont call back anytime soon. I needed to know I was doing the best possible thing and I wont regret it. I couldnt go home if I did Id lose the courage and not go for it. Stopping at a red light I thought about my hiding place that Bel didnt know about. I looked around at the beaten down suburb it looked like a ghost town. Only difference was that all the stores here were open, as the light turned green my phone went off again.
I yelled loudly with anger and pulled over "Jesus fucking christ sis I dont wanna talk right now!" At the risk of ruining her mood I knew she would keep calling if I didnt answer. "What?" I asked as I answered she squeeled happily and immediately began running off. After a minute or so I said monotone, "Bye I cut myself love you." Click, I hung up and put my phone in the cup holder. Now she would either call back screaming at me or not bother so she could focus on being happy.
Thats one of the things I want most is my sister to be happy dont mean I wanna hear about it though. It seems like thats all I ever hear anymore everyone around me is happy. After a while it gets old I dont know if its because Im not happy or what. Honestly thats probably why everyone around me is so happy and flaunting it so much its almost like rubbing it in my face. Meanwhile Im just here miserable nine times out of ten. All Ive ever wanted is to be happy but everytime I thought I had it or was close it turned into a nightmare. I can honestly say now that Ive never been truly happy the best I get is okay.
Maybe I shouldnt even think anymore and just go. Fuck this I need to get my happiness I deserve it and I should go for it. Just then I flashed back to a night that I was freaking out about Sherelle. My sister and I have two movies just for us Les Mis and A Nightmare Before Christmas. That night she sang me a song from Les Mis and it rang through my heart again. "I see a new age dawning, red I feel my soul on fire, black your world if shes not there. Red the color of desire, black the color of despairrrr." Every once in awhile her singing will ring through my head. Right now I need to be the rock I am I cant keep acting like a pebble.
This is it I need to go get my happiness no matter what is gonna happen. I need to to let Sherelle in at the risk of her breaking my heart to finally get my happiness.