T
he guys at Upper Valley College give me a rough time about my weekend but they’re unsuccessful in finding out all that happened. I only tell them I had been dressed as a girl Friday night, and stayed with girls having a good time the whole weekend. Hal now wishes he were in my shoes. He says, “I enjoyed my time, but there seems to have been more for you, especially since you stayed two nights.”

My exam, quiz, and classes on Monday and Tuesday go better, but as the week continues I am not sharp at all. Wednesday afternoon, I am frustrated enough that I call Anne and agree to go back to Amber.

Come Friday I have my books to study and a change of my regular clothes, but they’re for my trip back. I’m even wearing a new pair of panties and pantyhose under my regular clothes.

The night before, I keep stats for our women’s team. Alicia, one of UVC’s top players and a good friend, asks me to help stats in the girls’ game Thursday night. However, she’s also asking, “What’s different.” She knows I had done well on my exam and Tuesday on my quiz, and she’s asking more about me.

I smile when I learn my grades from the exam and quiz. I had thought both were easy as usual, but I’ve often thought that only to be disappointed. I usually make simple mistakes and misread questions, but I miss those mistakes when I proofread. The exam grade is unheard of B+ for me in Chemistry and an A on my Accounting Quiz. I even get a good jump on two term papers, due near the end of the semester. “I’m not sure Alicia, but I’ll tell you when I know.”

Come Friday, Shelby from AU arrives by 12:45 p.m. Alicia is none too pleased when I get in the car and ride off with a woman she does not know. Before we’re off campus we stop and I switch to ride in the back to change until I am a presentable girl. Then I ride up front with Shelby. She looks as I get into the front seat making sure I handle myself as a young woman in a skirt. “Yes, I did it correctly, but no it’s not automatic. And I am sure you will find many things too correct.” Shelby giggles and smiles at me, “I’m not sure I would have done that well in the back of a car.”

Almost there, we stop at a pub where the restrooms are just inside the door. Shelby finishes transforming me to my new look. I am pleased with what she does and try to remember some of what and how she did it. I don’t see myself as being part of whatever they’re planning. I have reasons of my own to remember for my own use.

I’m dropped off at the sports facility and when I find the team Coach O’Mara asks me to change into one of their traveling outfits. The blouse is lavender and the coat is ivory and both have the rose embossed on them. It is hard for me to get on the bus wearing their long skirt.

Anne and Sonya give me a difficult time after they warmly welcome me. Anne bounces as she sits down next to me to do my nails. I’m surprised by how well she shapes them and has them looking totally a girl. She is very happy that my test and quiz went well, but she’s not surprised. Nor was she surprised that composure did not stay with me.

Once we’re at our destination, I’m sent up into the stands to keep stats. Some men including basketball players from there are at their women’s game. I hear the men making comments about me and Amber University while I’m keeping stats. Come half-time some guys come to talk to me.

One says, “Your team has improved since last year; last year they were well behind by now. Their small lead won’t hold up but they’re playing better.”

I shyly say, “O’ I thought you were the ones here to learn.”

“Touché,” says one and “Ouch” from the one who spoke. I’d giggle and speak back but I’m fearful of my speech and how I look. I don’t want to be discovered. Come to the end of the third quarter our lead was now twelve points and we are in control of the game. I wanted to say something to the guys but think better of it. It is still too early and we’re on their campus.

With less than a minute to play, the lead is holding at fifteen points now and I’m needing to use a restroom. I get up to go out and as I make a curt remark, but then I stumble. I am dealing with the arena stairs. One guy helps me catch my footing. He gives me a kiss on the back of my hand saying, “Your welcome.” I smile and say “Thank you.” Anne must have been on the bench by then because she later reports she saw the kiss, noting she thought I liked the attention.

It is not easy using the toilet in the women’s restroom while wearing a long skirt, nor am I comfortable going in there. But this is an emergency. The other women don’t indicate any discomfort with my presence. One woman says, “You handled our guys quite well. Did they get or give any information?”

"I didn't give any."

By the time I am back to my seat the game is over and people are filling out. One guy Robert asks for my name which I tell him, but I do not give my phone number or any other information. The final score was 69-55, an Amber win.

Coach asks, in traveling back, “Would you come over for dinner sometime when you’re on campus?” Anne speaks up saying, “Yes, she would like too.” Coach smiles, “Well maybe I will invite the two of you to assure we have a conversation.”

Saturday I meet with a Dr. Drabrowski, though his doctorate might be for medical research, he comes across as one not very good in relating to people.

Jeanette from Admissions wants to meet me again and asks my impression of the university. She’s not surprised I am well impressed. She wonders aloud if I would consider transferring. It's a women's college planning to go coed.

Saturday night, I go out with four women from the team and we see a girl flick as well as eat off campus. I am not sure who knows what about me, but it definitely is not everyone. I stay both nights in Shelby’s room, as her roommate is gone most weekends. While Shelby does not bare all, she is surprisingly more comfortable with my presence than me. Saturday night as I am showering, she suggests I shave my legs and underarms again.

Alicia and I have some good talks when I’m back at college. She asks me if I could be back early from Thanksgiving break to help keep stats for the following Sunday’s game. I tell her I will try. I have two tests one on Monday and a larger one on Tuesday. It’s the instructors’ way of saying, since if they needed to be there so do the rest of us.

My dad picks me up the following classes on Tuesday but he doesn’t know the arrangements for my trip back to college. My Dad picks me up cause I don’t have a car. The ride home hits a snag as Dad is already on me about my hair saying, "It is more like a girl’s than usual." Which for 1978 was true. He wants it cut and I want my hair trimmed to my liking, not his.

I’m the first to go to college in our family which Dad is only half happy about, being in business administration seems to him as easy. College is more my and my Mom’s idea. He says, “Your grades should be better, you should be studying more and wasting your timeless.”

Wednesday morning, I have an urge to visit my old workplace, Carol’s Towne Shoppe. The Towne Shoppe is an established women’s clothing store. Oddly enough it was through my dad being Carol’s electrician, I first got a job there as a stock boy. Carol is happy to see me and asks, "Could you be to work on Friday and Saturday. She is already doing a nice holiday business at the Towne Shoppe. I couldn’t help looking at her merchandise with new eyes.

I got the job in high school as I helped my dad on an electrical job there. When Carol had asked my dad if I could help her. My dad was more than happy and insisted that I take the job. He didn’t think I was man enough to work with him and my older brother. But Mom had insisted I take the job for economic reasons.

Presently, I see a high school basketball poster and have to ask how Cassie is doing. The praise seems overdone, but I’m a Cassie fan so I love it.

One of my classmates is in doing some shopping at the store. “Hi Sharon, get another couple of items and I will give you my discount.”

Sharon asks, “Are you working here again?”

I tell her, “I’m not scheduled until Friday, but for you, I’ll start today.”

She smiles saying, “I did see a few things if you are serious.” I tell her to go at it, and she buys another five items. Carol is pleased as come Friday a number of the items will be on her sale. Somehow it seems to spark a few more sales from other customers. Carol had extended a 5% discount to them,

Thursday we have a nice Thanksgiving Day gathering. Even without a chore list, we all volunteer and things go easy. I find myself helping my mom and my sister-in-laws a bit more than usual. I also have a good time with a nephew and two nieces.

The only solemn note is dad’s repeated requests to get my hair cut. Friday and Saturday, I’m supposed to work 8-2 but Friday I’m in by 7:30 a.m. and finally leave at 5:30. I’m a part stock boy, part sales as well as a cash register person. Carol gets me a sub and Seven-up for lunch. She has learned from previous incidents, not to hand me a cup of coffee or anything that could stain clothes in the store.

Saturday is nice and busy, but sane in comparison to Friday. I do bump into Cassie, but just enough to say hello. Come two o’clock Carol takes a break as I continue working. I stop and we have a cup of tea, but it is away from the clothes. She shares she had never seen me so happy or relaxed.

“You’re speech was really good the other day and most of yesterday. Whatever you are doing get back to it and stay with it.” I ask what she meant and it corresponds with Anne’s insights. Before I leave Carol asks if my girlfriend wears earrings or not. I tell her I don’t have a steady girlfriend. We visit some more and she gives me two sets of earrings with matching necklaces before I leave which I don’t understand.

A few of us in the family went out for dinner Saturday night. I made the mistake of mentioning the earrings and necklaces. Mom laughed and dad scowls. My hair has grown to be a bigger sore point with dad. Dad won’t say anything bad about the gifts as Carol is a good family friend and a very good customer. She uses Dad as her sole electrician, personally as well as for her business.

I talked with my mother earlier as Anne had suggested. I find out my problems with speech as well as some other problems like bed wetting started up when I was four or five. Becoming disruptive and the learning problems developed when I was six years old.

Sunday, we go to church but I need to go sit with another brother and his wife up in the balcony. Dad was too upset with me, for us to sit with them.

After church, the brother suggests I return to college early to diffuse the present situation as my older brother and Dad are both upset with me. I’m back to college by four, supposedly so my parents can be home early.

When I see Alicia, she asks if I have a college blazer. She says, “Coach is requiring support staff to wear it with our top.” When I remind Alicia that the top is a woman’s top, she states, “It is unisex and with your blazer the point is mute.” Coach Hart thanks me for being a good sport. I visit with Alicia and share a little about Amber. She shares that the women’s basketball scene is abuzz with their upset of Temple.

Anne called Sunday night to share about their game and to ask if I made my decision about the coming week. “I need to reschedule work, but yes I will be there,” I asked her how their program could help my speech and studies. She says, “You need to be here and to ask the experts.”

Shelby is to pick me up on Friday, and I’ll need to change before I make it to campus to keep my identity quiet. I tell her, “I’m already planning to change clothes.”

There are two weeks of classes, then exams before I will be home for the semester break. So the coming weekend is the only one I’ll go to AU. I will need the others to finish projects, papers, and prepare for exams. I arrange my work hours for the week. I’ll be ready to leave by two on Friday or whenever my ride shows.

Another student, Cyndi is now to be coming for me; she can be there as early as 1:30. She is to have an outfit and more. She reminds me to bring my books and study material. Thursday our women’s team has another game. I take a bit of a drubbing from some students and receive admiration mostly from the women students. I think I come out ahead in the deal. UVC lost the game, which isn’t all that unusual. Coach Hart asks what I know about AU’s success, but she discounts my take on their good fortune.

Friday, I have to rush to be ready by 1:30 on Friday and Cyndi arrives at 1:20 p.m. which rushes me even more. She has a warm smile with a slight smirk. We drive a short distance before I get in back to begin my change. She pulls over when I’m pulling up pantyhose. I comment on the short length of the skirt, she laughs and shares she wears some shorter.

I fire back that she has the legs and figure. Cyndi giggles, “O you look quite well if I remember.”

I say, “For a guy maybe, but you people just don’t mind embarrassing me…” She cuts me off, “I will forgive you this time, but you better soon learn the Amber way.”

I ask, “What you mean?”

She says, “Amber would not put you or others up for embarrassment.” While I did not seek to suggest that. “You need more respect not only for AU but yourself.”

I joke, “A guy wearing women’s clothing could have trouble gaining respect.” The car stops again and she asked me back up front.

She helped me with my hair. “Now Jenny, as far as I am concerned, you are my sister. I’d appreciate it if you would act like a sister and not some dumb bloke.” I began to cry and she shared “That’s more like it.” The emotions had surprised me.

We stop at the lounge that looks like a little hide-away. She helps me with my make-up and then asks me to look in the mirror. I’m surprised when I don’t see myself.

She mentioned how I carry myself and suggested subtle nuances of change like smaller steps and keeping my legs and feet together under my shoulders. She asks, “Have you ever seen a tomboy that was awkward.” She makes her point. She says, “If you want to get better the opportunity is there.” She gave me a few more pointers and we head back to the car. She hands me a purse, “Please look through it. It is yours and like any girl, you should be familiar with your purse. What you have in it and where the items are.”

I laugh and suggest, “There are a few things I can’t or won’t use.”

She shares, “We want you to be prepared like any woman at Amber. We stop at the mall on our way to the college. She takes me over to women’s coats and has me select a medium weight coat. We are to the college before 4. She drops me off at the gym for basketball practice.

I ask about my stuff, she shares, “It will be up in ‘our’ room.” I do a double take. “They think I can get along with you and help you out. I hope you are not too shy.”

I’m surprised when they hand me a sports bag; it has a sports bra with extra, extra padding. I’m surprised that even the cross trainers given tome were very good. Coach talked to me and others about passing the ball down court, as well as drawing fouls as the opposition overplays their movement. The team also practices how not to do the same. While I have ideas that I share, Coach has more, plus she has the know how to make the application work.

Coach Jessica O’Mara already has a very good record and seems a good pick to take the team to the next level. She had already brought them up from Division 3 and was preparing to take them from Division 2 to Division 1.

I need to meet with some university staff people before Saturday’s game. Dr. Florence Drabrowski is the head of gender issues. I had a medical check and personality tests. Finally, I had an aptitude test with admissions officials. I suggested once to Dr. Drabrowski I should change to my regular clothes. She says, “No, no one minds you’re dressed as a woman. That is how we see you.” I’m becoming very adept at writing left handed as was suggested my first night there.

Finally; they were done with me and I could change to my outfit for Amber sports support staff. I’m intrigued the University’s nickname is the Ambassadors. I think the idea of women as ambassadors is a bit of a stretch. Before the game, I’m sitting in the arena and get into a conversation with Dr. Jayne A. Campbell. She seems well known and well liked by students, staff and older adults in attendance.

I can easily tell she’s very intelligent. I am impressed with her warm caring nature as I often think intelligent people lack that in their personality. She gives me some suggestions about how I carried myself when I was down on the court for early warmups. When I laugh she asked what’s funny. “You take even simple things and give them polish.”

She tells me AU’s belief that each woman is an ambassador, not only for the University but as a person in life. I start to take mental notes of what she shares. She bought drinks before the game sharing one with me.

Coach O’Mara along with keeping the stats sheets, she asks me to keep watch of three players. Come half-time Amber has a slight lead. As I give Coach the stats. She again asks my opinion on the players she asked me to watch. As we walk toward the locker room she asks about my visit with the University President.

When I get back to my seat as the second half begins, I ask Dr. Campbell about her position with the University. She smiles as I answer my own question correctly. “This will come across as sexist and naive, but how does a younger woman even with a doctorate become the head of a university?”

She says, “I would like Anne and you to join me for dinner in another week; I will explain it then."

The Ambassadors win the game running away with the lead. They will now be ranked in the top twelve in Division 2.

I’m back to studying, but we take time to go out tonight. Changing in front of Cyndi is as hard, as is having her change in my presence. “Jenny, I’m surprised by you being uncomfortable with me. I hoped you would see me as another woman being with you; I think that should help you to relax as Jenny.”

I ask, “When can I stop cross-dressing and do the other things that will help me in being me?”

She says, “You’ve been free to stop at any time. I thought you like dressing as a woman.” Anne comes in as we’re talking.

I acknowledge, “I’ve done it some, but not much. I thought you were requiring me to dress like this.”

Anne says, “Brian, I see it a different way; you’ve cross-dressed more and longer than you acknowledge? I’m sure you have done it quite a bit. I think you came to Amber that first night hoping we would ask and help you to dress as a girl. Seemingly, even your friends thought you’d be a good candidate. But they saw it as a tease.”

She continues, “They thought it would be a neat prank, and you thought that would be a safe disguise to do it, didn’t you?” When I broke, Anne dabbed my eyes and suggested I redo my make-up. When I did, she responds. “Do you think that is a natural response for a boy crying to redo his make-up?”

Cyndi asks, “Jenny did you get excited as we changed in front of each other? I know I did.”

“Sure I did that is when I thought about not cross-dressing.”

“I thought you were excited, but I didn’t see the natural responses of a guy.” She was right, I just don't want to acknowledge she's right.

Come Sunday after church, Anne takes me over to an office and Dr. Florence Drabrowski is there for a visit. She and an associate share their observations and my test results. It is the first time I hear the term “transgender identity”. While initially uncomfortable, I realize they are not judging me and that I can consider the possibility without judgment. I’m free to accept or not accept it.

I share my mother’s statement about my speech problems when I was five and other concerns that arose when I was six. They’re not surprised. They ask if I had additional problems as I went through adolescence. I ask, “How’d you know?”

She says, “We didn’t know, but it often occurs with those who struggling with identity issues especially as they go through puberty and life changes like going away to college.”

Anne holds my hand, Dr. Florence says, “We want to support and assist you however it might be helpful.” She says, “Whether you continue to cross-dress or not we can help you work through your problems. And it is done without any obligation to be formally part of Amber University”

I ask, “Why then would I want to dress as a girl?”

Dr. Drabrowski says, “Seemingly as Brian, you stress yourself suppressing your feminine identity.” They inform me about my changes in my studying, reading, grades, and speech as well as feeling better. I have noticed some of the things they mention. I had not realized the breadth and depth of my changes in just over two weeks. I ask, “Who knows about me doing this?” I ask in particular, “Why did you involve Dr. Campbell?”

They share, “All she knew is that we asked her to make you feel welcome.”

That day at Church Pastor Ramona had asked me to read the Scripture readings; I wanted to say no but ended up doing it. Ramona was very supportive and I like her as a pastor. Coach O’Mara is at the service, and she asks Anne and me to join her family for dinner before I go back.

That is when I meet Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6. I take a quick liking to them, and they like me as well. Heather has me lift and carry her and we’re soon in her room, playing on the floor. Kyle comes into the room asking, “Is this just for girls?”

Coach asks, “Have you ever done any babysitting?” I laugh saying I have. She asks, “Some weekend, if you can stay here I wouldn’t mind if you could help take care of our children.” I agree, but tell myself, ‘It will never happen.’ Anne drags me from dinner to change and go back to my college…

To be continued…

Brian Graham/Jenny Connors
Anne Green
Jeanette - AU Admissions
Dr. Jayne A. Campbell – Amber’s University President
Jessica O’Mara - Basketball Coach at AU
Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6 O’Mara – Coach O’Mara’s children
Coach Beth Hart – Basketball coach at Upper Valley
Drs. Florence and Frank Drabrowski – At AU one on gender indemnity and learning disabilities; the other is a Psychologist
Cyndi, Shelby

Anne has to drag me away after dinner at Coach O Mara’s house to change back to my guy clothes and go back to my college as Brian.

My hair and skin are growing fairer and with improved body. It's something I notice little, and I think I'm hiding my other self really well. Alicia picks up on my changes more quickly, yet she's not sure what it all means. She asks, “Where are spending your weekends.” We go to her room after her practice to study and she sprinkles a light perfume mist that I walk into.

I take a hold of her and I’m about to toss her when I think better of it. I say, “I notice you’re wearing the earrings I gave you, but what happened to the necklace?” As I ask about the necklace, she signals for me to turn around. When I do she places a necklace around my neck.

“Now let’s begin to study,” she says.

I ask, “Why did you put the necklace on me?”

She gives a lite giggle as she replies, “I think it is less obvious than the earrings.”

When I ask, “What all does that mean?”

She says, “When you tell me what you are doing, I will answer you.” I suggest we begin studying. She asks me to help with their team's game the following day.

Coach Beth Hart confesses to me, “Brian, you knew what you’re talking about when you spoke of AU’s change in basketball. We could use your help if you can explain what they did.” Alicia, as one of the forwards, is more adept than most in making the changes. I have seen their next opponent before and suggest to Alicia and a few other players find some things they can do to gain an edge. Ironically, I’m getting more comfortable being seen with the girls’ team. I’m being corrected to say the women’s, not the girls', team.

Coach Beth refers to me several times as “gal” or “she”. When I take exception, Coach asks me to speak to her after the game. The team plays well and Alicia plays well enough to be the leading scorer and helps them win. It was a game they were expected to lose. Coach thanks me for my help and half apologizes and half asks for my understanding.

She explains: “Women are referred to all the time as 'men, guys and to be one of the fellows'; they are expected to understand. I am sorry you took offense and I will watch not to do it too often. But when I refer to you as ‘one of the gals or she’ it is because I see you as a member of the women's team. I actually think more highly of you when I identify you with these women.”

I eat a piece of humble pie, as I say, “I apologize for my insensitivity. I am proud to feel a part of the team, an accepted as part of it.”

She asks, “Does that mean I can refer to you as one of the gals as much as I want?” She smiles and gives me a pat when I say, “I guess so.” Others from the team gather and give me a group hug. Part of that was to get me sweaty and to smell more like them as well. It was three days later crossing campus that I bump into Coach Beth and she says, "How are you doing today young woman." My friend Jay hits me lightly on the arm, "I told you, you're helping the girl's team too much."

I hand in the last of my papers for the semester and the grades for other reports are back to me as I prepare for exams. I am finished my required work hours and I will not need to work until the following semester. I call home and I am looking forward to being home over the holidays. Mom tells me that Carol at the Towne Shoppe is hoping I can work during the holidays.

Anne calls about getting back to AU; they want to help me study. There is one change; I cannot stay with Cyndi but will need to stay with Anne. It seems like an answer to prayer and I quickly agree. When I get there on time on Friday, Coach Jessica has me come to her office and she has me change from my clothes I had changed to come to Amber. She says, "You need to dress to travel with the team for an away game." This skirt is shorter than I like Brian, but the truth is Jenny is beginning to enjoy the different outfits.

Traveling with a women’s sports team two months ago would have been a fantasy come true. Though it is not the way I dreamt it to be. Being the newbie others target me for some of their fun antics. Anne tells some of them, I have been a “tomboy”. Some try to help me with makeup tips, doing my nails, hair, and tips on perfume. Their attention is sometimes funny and other times it is overwhelming. Trying to go to the bathroom on a bus as a girl in a skirt is a new and a not so funny adventure. Luckily the door is locked as I try pulling up my pantyhose when the bus takes an unexpected tight turn.

Walking up and down arena steps in a short skirt and heels draws the unwanted attention of guys. Two of them are still interested in hitting on me when they find out I am with their opponent. The stat person from St. Peter’s befriends me. We help each other identifying players and differentiating shots, from rebounds, or tips. Patsy tells me, she enjoyed working with me when the game was over. She says, “You come from a more open university than ours. I am glad to have this experience; I hope you don’t mind if I consider myself a friend?” I smile and simply say, “Thank you.” I think she knows I’m not a girl, but I’m not fully sure and afraid to say anything more.

Amber's victory actually makes my ride back to the university more problematic. The toes of my pantyhose are cut-off, as players want to polish my toenails, and I wouldn’t take them off. Anne suggests I not go to sleep as I need to protect my panties and my secrets.

After a half hour, I give in to having a make-over. I begin to relax and have fun. Coach gives us a half hour grace on curfew. It means gathering in a lounge and dancing and singing with one another. I take the opportunity to learn to dance better as a girl.

We are up in time for an early pre-game meeting the next day and then back to study. There are three students in a similar major to mine and we study together. When it's time to go for dinner and Anne asks if we can go alone. The surprise to me is the red-blooded Brian guy isn’t really there.

When I share my thoughts with Anne she laughs and then cries. She's not used to my sharing of feelings and she giggles at my awkwardness. She’s right, I have trouble identifying my feelings. Tears for a woman don’t always mean sadness and my laughter sometimes means I’m trying to hide feelings. I get angry at Anne because I’m frustrated with having more emotions in my life. I feel they are out of my control.

Anne’s tears, she finally acknowledges, are for Jenny; “Jenny, Brian is a neat guy, but I think his and your happiness rests in you becoming comfortable with yourself. I know the thoughts and feelings you’re having as Jenny are different for you. I hope you will relax and try to take it in and decide what all this means for you.”

I storm out to be on my own and I’m ready to go back to my college as I walk beyond the campus. Anne picks me up to take me back to change. She says, “Someone will take you back to your college if that’s what you wish, but you really don’t need to leave.”

I hold my composure in check for the basketball game but I burst into tears when we’re back in Anne’s room. While my excuse is my father not accepting of even small things like my long hair. His accepting me as Jenny is impossible to imagine.

The real problem is my own difficulty in seeing myself as a deviate. I don’t really understand or acknowledge that but Anne does. Dr. Heath, my medical doctor here, visits with me at 11:30 that night. I want her to force me to accept or reject my situation. It frustrates me as she encourages me to continue the journey until the decision is fully mine, one way or the other.

I stay with Anne for an uneasy night’s rest. We go to the second of three services for the church. When we’re leaving, Pastor Ramona asks me how I am doing. I am ready to say fine, but I break down in tears. Pastor Ramona is willing to take time with me. I try to refuse but Anne gently insists and Ramona encourages me enough that I agree. We go off where we can have some room away from others.

I’m reluctant about identifying that I’m really a guy. Though I’m not sure she would be surprised. I am however sure she wouldn’t be accepting of me. I've heard that a lot about churches. I’m only partly right. Ramona did not have any idea that I was a guy. But she does know of Amber’s highly confidential program for people like me.

I am also incorrect about her acceptance me and my situation. She is supportive of not only my wrestling with identity issues but she encourages me to be honest with God. She reminds me that God already knows my issues and however it comes out. She suggests I should know I can get through things however it comes out with God’s support.

While I like hearing that; it is hard to believe. Ramona sets me up, asking me the obvious, “Who is greater God or her?” Then she says, “If I can accept you, do you think God is smaller and less able to accept you?” She gives me some Scripture sharing various possibilities. She closes our time with a prayer. The three of us agree to go for dinner as I calm down. Ramona takes off her cross necklace and gives it to me. She helps me to realize that it is acceptable for both Brian and Jessie.

The studying seems to be even better than I would expect. I go back to my campus feeling better about being ready for my final exams.

The first of my final exams go well as does the first exam on Tuesday. But my psyche exam unnerves me and to get my composure I switched to thinking as Jenny. I refocus in time to finish the exam and I feel I did well.

After my first exam on Wednesday, I have a request to meet with my psyche professor, Dr. Keyes. I need to take my accounting exam first. That exam goes well despite being anxious about meeting with the professor.

When I get to Professor Keyes office, he asks me about the vast difference in my handwriting. When I show him my left-handed writing, he approves the results. I had gotten 93% in the exam and I had a B for my course work and Dr. Keyes raises my final grade to a B+. He says, “I have seen you improving as a student the past month or two. I also see the change in your personality. Please don’t let anyone stop this new growth that I see in you.”

I call Anne while I am awaiting my ride home. She congratulates me for using Jenny’s help. She feels encouraged by what my professor has said.

My brother Ron picked me up from college and it’s late by the time we get home but it is nice to be home. I have nine days before Christmas. Both mom and dad noticed that my hair continues to be long. Dad is upset. Mom fingers my hair, asking what is up? Usually, I would give in and have it cut. My offer is to have it trimmed and shaped, is not acceptable to my Dad. I did get it shortened a little before my second work day. Anne had told me I had some split ends that needed tending to.

While dad accepts it is my choice and he won’t force me. However, he is not at all pleased. When I try to find a way to hold my ground and share a little about what is happening in my life. Dad is only happy with the improvement in my grades. He cuts off the little I dare to share about me having identity issues. I draw back and do not share more, neither do I go back to cut my hair any shorter.

Carol is very happy to have me back working and likes what she’s calling her new salesperson. Come Saturday afternoon with Sunday off she gives me some of my pay early that I might have some holiday shopping money.

Sunday includes church, shopping and time at home. My niece, Kayla stops over with her parents and as a seven-year-old girl she starts to play with my hair and my dad yells. The adults know it is with me, but it is Kayla’s feelings that are hurt. I apologize to Kayla and walk out instead of talking with my dad. The atmosphere at home is getting worse as the days continue.

I plan on working through much of the week, but on Monday I’m asked to stay with one of my brothers.

Tuesday, I visit with Cassie Conley about her basketball playing and what colleges she’s considering. She’s surprised about my suggestion for her to consider Amber University. She thought I would push for my own college. She does not see it as likely but she’s more interested when I mention their medical college. I am pleased when she compliments my hair and my change in appearance.

Wednesday, Mom comes to work and asks me to get my hair cut. I realize it is causing a problem for the brother I am staying with. So I go to stay at a hotel on the highway until Christmas. I have four nights to stay there. The first night I’m sitting outside a lounge where members of an extended family are enjoying themselves.

I had winked at a young child and watched her on and off. Finally, she walks away from the family and comes over to me, while they’re not watching. I pull over another chair and carry on a conversation back and forth. Her Mom sees her daughter visiting with me. She takes time to observe how I listen and that her daughter is happy to have a friend to talk with. Her mother comes over carrying a younger child.

I pick up the toddler and bring her to sit on my lap. Her mom is half apologetic and half worried or angry with me. Her worry quickly melts to appreciation as we talk and as I hand her, her baby. I am welcomed to sit down by her family and they offer to get me a drink.

Their conversation revolves around a trip to New York City to shop and celebrate Christmas. There is a snow storm coming as well as problems in the city. That threatens to stop traffic to and from New York City. Janelle confides with me that while all the other presents are bought, this is a time for the women to shop for themselves. By eleven o’clock the late news confirms the storm will dump between 5-7 inches of snow between where we are and New York City as well as in New York City itself.

I say, “I know a women’s apparel store about a mile and a half away. It has some clothes to rival NYC, and the prices are a lot less expensive. I know while Carol has some good holiday buys and she has a good supply of spring fashion ready to place in the spots that are opening as the present inventory thins out.

I know they only half believe me, but if I can get them there I am fairly sure they will be very happy with what they find. Finally, I say, “If you have a good vehicle or two let me take you there when they open at 8:00 a.m. I doubt if you will want to fight the rush hour traffic and the snow. If you want to go to NYC, it should be better traveling after rush hour, 9:00 a.m.”

One man is smart enough to reserve their rooms for two more nights, just in case. Carol’s Towne Shoppe has a parking lot behind the store which only locals usually know about. When we drive into it and park, I am sure the women are disappointed. Only one vehicle empties as the other waits word if the store is good or not.

Janelle and her mother Jeanette receive a warm welcome from Carol as we enter the store. I can tell some of the new clothes are being brought out onto the floor. I had called Carol to tell her of the out of town shoppers. The way they look at the clothes; they know good merchandise. They also recognize some of the clothes coming out as the latest of spring trends in fashion. Soon all ten women are in the store happily shopping. Another carload is now due to come from the hotel.

The first group of the women heads back at 10:00 to the hotel. There packages and joy excited others at the hotel to come and see for themselves. The total of extra shoppers kept climbing as the snow toward NYC was climbing higher than forecasted.

Janelle laughed when she sees I’ve become a worker at the store. I do have a problem as I'm dressed as Jenny like at the hotel. Carol passes me off to others in the store as a cousin who has come in to help through Christmas.

I intended to dress as Brian for work and luckily even my last name of Connors is different from my family name. Michelle the assistant manager quickly thinks she knows who I am, but whispers to me that my secret is safe.

She and Carol later share, “Jenny is so different, only Brian’s hair looks a little similar.” I spent the last hour at the store shopping for clothes I need. Between my employee discount and Carol being pleased with me about all the clothes going off the hangers and shelves; my clothes cost me little to nothing from what they might cost in Philadelphia.

I am pleasantly surprised and Jeanette, Janelle’s Mom returned to the store to give me a ride back to the hotel. She tells Carol, “I think you will have another bus load of shoppers tomorrow. They plan to stop at your store before their bus tries to make it to New York City. We are waiting one more day before we try to get to our NYC hotel.”

When I get back to the hotel, I find out her father bumped up my room to a suite. It is paid through Christmas night. It is my understanding they stopped moving my belongings when they discovered I had a man staying with me. I tell Jeanette, “He isn’t likely to be back until Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. That's when we go to his family’s home for Christmas.”

I am overly tired but too wired from the day to go to sleep. I join a small portion of her family near the lounge. Janelle’s little girl Cara is out with her as she napped too much during the day. Cara and I have fun for an hour as Janelle changes into a new outfit while I take care of her daughter. Then I do the same after she is back. We each share only two outfits with the larger group. I finally become upset with myself for acting like a woman and enjoying myself so much.

I am tired and sleep once I’m back to the suite but it is a restless night. Thankfully I am not due into work until 11:00 a.m.

I help as Jenny for the next two days at the store but have only one more night to celebrate with the Simmons’ family. Monte the hotel manager is very pleased with me and gifts me with hotel merchandise which includes a very nice robe, slippers and a voucher for future stays.

I enjoy our friendships that grew while shopping at the store. They do not recognize me and some even question Carol about her relative that they had not known about. One woman even brought her college-age relative to meet me. She's telling me how nice he is and trying to set me up for a date.

Christmas Eve, I finish my work at noon. I have to spend most of the afternoon transforming myself back to Brian. Carol has loaned me a car to get to my parent’s home. Supposedly, it is my home but sadly does not feel as such right now.

I am warmly welcomed when I show up for Christmas. It is a family tradition that we put on happy faces Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It is something we do for my mother if there is a problem someone has with another. This is the first Christmas that includes me.

My Mom, my sisters-in-law, and grandmothers and nieces get very nice gifts from me. Carol does not carry young children’s clothing but she had given me their sizes and told me where to shop. One sister-in-law and my Mom have been in the store and swore I had not been there. Spring blouses that I gave as presents with gift receipts indicated otherwise.

Kayla and I have an especially good time Christmas Eve at church and Christmas Day at home. “Uncle Brian, no one ever plays with me like you have this Christmas. I hope your Daddy doesn’t get upset with you for playing with me.”

I so wish I could be her aunt so I could invite her to stay overnight. I am sure her mother and dad would have said no, but I could have seriously asked Kayla with the possibility of her answer being yes.

This is the first time for a moment that I completely want to accept Jenny as being me.

During Christmas, I decided after a conversation with two brothers that the tension is not going to thaw during this visit. Ron's willing to give me a ride back to college tomorrow, the day after Christmas. Luckily, I call Carol and she reminds me I have too many of Jenny's clothes to take back.

I tell her, “I have no idea where I will hide them unless I can get them to Amber before my dorm mates get back in some two weeks.” Carol reminds me that I’d first have to explain them to Ron when he gives me a ride…

To be continued…

Jeanette - AU Admissions
Dr. Jayne A. Campbell – Amber’s University President
Jessica O’Mara - Basketball Coach at AU
Heather, 3, and Kyle, 6 O’Mara – Coach O’Mara’s children
Coach Beth Hart – Basketball coach at Upper Valley
Drs. Florence and Frank Drabrowski – At AU one on gender indemnity and learning disabilities; the other is a Psychologist
Monte the hotel manager
Jeannette and Janelle - Mother and Daughter at a hotel

I'm welcome when I show up as Brian up for our family Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am having a good time with almost everyone. A conversation with two brothers indicates that the tension is getting worse and not going to break until this visit. Ron tells me, "I'm willing to give you a ride back to college, if you're unwilling to change and cooperate with Dad." But it won't be until Monday that he can give me a ride back to college.

I talk with Carol over the phone, sharing I will not be back to work and explained why. Carol comments, “Brian, you have too much of Jenny’s clothes to take back to hide from whoever is giving you a ride back. And that’s even before my present to you. So unless Ron knows about you, you might want me to give you a ride back. I can do so after I finish work tomorrow.”

I go back to the hotel Christmas night and enjoy sleeping in a pretty and comfortable nightgown. It is lavender and the way it caresses my body, sends shivers of delight through me. It troubles me how I am getting use to women’s clothing and how things look and feel. It causes me to fantasize more about being a girl.

I begin packing as Carol has to loan me an extra suitcase as well as wardrobe bag. I purchase a makeup case. It takes me much of the morning to pack. There are still a few people at the hotel who I know. We take time to talk.

Three women insist I go with them to the Somerset Restaurant next door for lunch. Despite getting there before noon, we don’t leave until 1:30. No, the service isn’t slow; the conversation is that good. Though as Brian I could not have sat for it, as Jenny, I love it.

I guess Carol left her store at four p.m. leaving Michelle, the assistant manager, in charge. The drive to Upper Valley College took just over an hour. I did enjoy talking to her, but uncomfortable that she's encouraging me to become comfortable being Jenny.

I get all my things up to my room, though I have no idea where I can hide all my girl’s stuff. Carol says, leaving too much in the luggage is not good for clothes. Luckily, the new semester will not begin for another seventeen days. I have access to my dorm, but the cafeteria is not freely open to me. I can pay for my meals but the cost is not worth college food.

When I contact Anne at Amber University. She encourages me to come and reside at AU anywhere from ten to fourteen days. I get a ride from Anne to AU, but I cannot envision being comfortable crossdressing that long. I agree to take things in stride and I’ve committed to do it for at least a week and then day by day.

Anne helps me take my clothes with the exception of one outfit that I safely hide away.

Anne tells me, Dr. Heath or Dr. Frank Drabrowski will be back at the Amber University community within days to help me. I settle back into being Jenny. Coach asks if I’m willing, to stay two nights at their house to help with her children.

Dressing in the Amber skirt, blouse and blazer is getting to be quite the turn on. AU's Basketball team on Wednesday and Thursday are involved in a holiday tournament at Richmond, Virginia. I am invited to go, which means solid days of being Jenny without anyone other than Anne and Coach knowing about me.

It's approved by the Administration with a few provisions required: 1) my identity cannot be revealed; 2) I am to be Anne’s roommate with no one else; 3) I am required to wear a vagina gaff that will not permit me to have sex. 4) The University research group needed to cover my added expenses.

I am fitted and given my own clothing as a support staff member. Most importantly, I am fitted with two breast forms and a vagina appliance to be adhered in place the full time of the trip.

Dr. Heath has given me medicine so my penis will not become aroused. While my staying with Anne does raise a couple of concerns Dr. Heath seemed satisfied I will not be having sex, at least not as a man.

There are two sad notes and distractions for the trip. A freshman forward Marcy Moore is being asked to redshirted to focus on her studies. The other situation is a bit of an unknown. There’s a hint that one of the players is going to transfer, but she has not identified herself or given notice to the university. It is likely a disgruntled freshman or sophomore. The university seeking to woo her away is also unknown.

The University of Richmond is the tournament host and all the schools are from east of the Mississippi River. It will provide strong competition. AU won their first game and would now need to plan a third day at the site. They lose to a tough game to Central Michigan University, but they beat Bloomsburg State to clinch a tie for fifth place. Amber wins their last two games to gain third place. It continues their surprisingly good start to the season. We were there a total of four nights. The rare extra time is used shopping, historic sightseeing or walking around.

A simple thing like traveling on a bus is different with and as a woman. Usually I would slouch down in my seat and put my knees up on the seat in front. The team doesn’t just talk sports. There’s adjusting or changing clothes, skank talk, sharing ideas on make-up, hair, fashion, as well as about guys, travel, etc. This is all very new to me. Traveling with the team, staying someplace overnight and living together, I’m accepted a bit more as one of the girls.

When we get back, I and my stuff are dropped off at Coach O’Mara’s. Heather and Kyle are my official greeters. Heather likes me in skirts and always wants me to change into a shorter one, which I do for her. Heather is so excited the first night that she can’t get to sleep. Heather is on my lap or in my arms all the time and Kyle is usually at one side or the other.

Heather wants me to sleep in her bed while I’m hoping to sneak away to the guest room after she falls to sleep. I arrange a sleep area on the floor. Heather insists she will sleep with me on a pile of comforters and under the blankets. Heather’s mom comes into say goodnight and after a prayer she gives Heather a hug and a kiss.

It is her kiss on my forehead that sparks my feelings and brings out my emotions as a little girl. Ma O’Mara notices and asks what my tears and smile were for? Without thinking I said, “I missed growing up as a girl.”

It is me who first fell fast asleep and when I wake during the night, Heather is wrapped in my arms. I quietly get up in the morning, o use the toilet and make my way downstairs. Coach Jessica is up having a cup of tea and she pours me one as well.

They have a little nook with table and benches, similar to my home. Instead of sitting down across from Coach, I slip in next to her. When her husband Dave comes in he sits across from us. We have a nice time. Dave O’Mara asks, if we’re sisters or aunt and niece? I then snuggle closer to Jessica and her arm is soon around me. Jessica shares, “It’s like having a little sister moment.” She gives me another hug and a kiss on my head.

When Heather and Kyle are up, I become Aunt Jenny. It is then that Jessica says in emphatic terms, “Away from here, I’m Coach O’Mara and not your bigger sister." The O’Maras are going out to a New Year’s Eve party and they’re arranging for a sitter. That’s when I insist I can stay with the kids. I help with the dishes and then with lunch. When I’m not being domestic, I’m playing as a little girl with Heather.

I notice hugging is different as a woman with breasts. Sometimes I swear my body feels like that of a woman. I am almost positive, I can feel my breasts responding to touch and activity. I call Anne and share my thoughts and feelings. Later I think it is not right to think or feel this way. As the day goes along the negative feelings subside. I am pretty sure it is only because I am active with the children.

Come early evening, I have two movies for the kids along with popcorn and juice. I make them macaroni and cheese like their mom asked. While Coach Jesse and Dave are not dressed up too much. It is nice to see a handsome man and a beautiful woman ready for a night out.

Anne calls me to make sure I don’t want to go out. I do, but I’ve obligated myself. I have Heather to bed by 8:00. I am allowing Kyle to stay up another hour so I can show him extra attention. He asks me if I know any boy things. He’s happy that I do. We have a pretend fight against a imaginary mean enemy.

Once he has me pretend to be the bad guy so he can see him defeated. Another time I’m a girl who helps him to escape as we beat the bad guys again. It is 9:40 by the time he bathes and gets to bed.

Later I find out getting him to take a bath without a fight is considered a minor miracle. Jessica chalked it up to how cute his Aunt Jenny is.

It is close to three by the time Dave and Jesse get home. I have fallen to sleep on the sofa by that time.

I feel a bit embarrassed as Coach helps me get ready for bed. Dave was going to just put a blanket over me, but she insisted on my getting ready for bed and to sleep in my room, the guest room. It was the first time she had seen a cross dresser up close.

In the morning I watch a parade with the kids and Jessica; come the afternoon into evening I watch some of the bowl games. Dave too has been an athlete, like Jessica. So sports are enjoyed by both of them, yet they have no trouble walking away from it either. Jessie and I take the children shopping. She’s mostly getting groceries. A funny moment is when Jessie picks up some feminine products. Heather whispers to me asking which ones I preferred. Her mom turns a little red when I share the question.

It is Monday at practice when Sally does not show that the team knows who has left the team. We find out, she will be transferring to Virginia. Coach openly shares that while an infraction of the rules has occurred she would not block Sally’s transfer. She did however require Sally to sit out the rest of the year from playing basketball there. Coach is sure Sally was anticipating Coach’s good nature, not to do anything.

Coach speaks to the team saying, “If she had been upfront, Sally would probably miss only this semester if that.” The team is feeling downcast about losing Marcy and Sally. Until Coach asks, “Who would like the opportunity to play a little more? …Marcy, we will get back. We’re doing the correct thing. You will get to show what you can do in game competition.”

Coach alludes to a top recruit coming to check the program, while they might not land her, her interest along with the interest of another likely recruit is a good reflection on the basketball program and how well they’re playing.

Coach asks me if I know of Cassie Conley. When I share that Cassie is the sister of some good friends; coach shares she is one of the students coming for a visit to check the basketball program as well as Amber’s education opportunities. Coach had sent her an invite earlier like many other schools but didn't expect to hear back from her. It was only the past week had she heard from her.

I ask, “Is Cassie considered a good player?”

The Coach laughs, “Depending on whom you ask she’s anywhere from the best tall player, to one of the top ten coming out of high school in the nation. Few rate her lower than #5.” Coach laughs even more when she hears that Cassie has practiced with me guarding her when I was playing with her brothers. She also shares, “Our landing Stacy Strong, a highly recruited guard, is more likely and the two of them could possibly help the team to land another top player.

I asked, “Do you want me to contact Cassie?”

Coach Jennifer comments, “No, while we want Cassie for our basketball program. The Medical College wants her to consider Amber on our academic merits and a possible medical career as being her future. Cassie needs to make a good decision on her own. We think we are a rare place where she can manage to get what she wants. But only Cassie can be the one who decides that. It would take a serious commitment by her to do both.”

Living as Jenny for a week straight was more taxing than I thought possible. There was more to being a woman than I saw from my limited experiences? While it isn’t easy, I enjoy it immensely. I have trouble thinking I will get use to the time it takes me to take care of my complexion and hair. I've even begun to hand wash some my delicates. I have three nail polishes and lip-glosses that would have appeared the same to Brian. Now as Jenny I see the subtle differences. I begin to realize that being just Brian could be harder in some ways.

Doctors Florence and Frank Drabrowski and Heath share little of their own opinions about what I should do. All they usually say is they feel I am making good progress. One commented, “You are like a little girl watching and trying to be like the big girls.”

They introduce for the first time, the idea of me being there after the spring semester is a strong and a healthy possibility. They seek my permission to access health and education records in prelude to my possibility of transferring.

The team has away games on Monday and Tuesday and one here on Thursday. Coach gives me a pair of earrings to wear when traveling with the team. When I tell her my ears are not pierced, she tells me, “Please take care of that or be prepared to stay at the university, for away games or up in the stands as a fan. I don't like my people having to look for an earring that dropped.”

Anne is delighted take me to get my ears pierced. She, Cyndi and Marcy make sure I get a few extra pairs. Friday night we go out dancing and I dance quite a bit. Friday found me dancing in a mini-skirt that became a big turn-on for me. The stockings have a rich satin feel.

Ray is there again and he seeks me out to dance with him. I feel very much a woman. Come the end of the night Ray asks me out for another night. Without thinking I say, yes. He gives me a big kiss, which I surprisingly enjoy. I’m crying when I share the news with Anne. Anne suggests we double date. Her guy and mine are open to the idea.

We go bowling and play some pool the next night. Anne can only bowl two games so she will not develop a blister nor strain her arm or back. The second night is uncomfortable for Brian while it being a nice experience for Jenny. Ray and I exchange a few warm kisses. When he tries to take it further I stop his wandering hands and he honors by request.

During a bathroom break, I share with Anne his desire to take it further. She asks if I’m open to having oral sex with him. When I’m aghast that she asked, she giggled and shares she didn’t think so. When I ask if she had, she said that is privileged information. The friendship of Anne and I is growing deeper. I’m fortunate to have her. But I had hoped it might be as Brian, not Jenny.

I’m distracted the rest of the night as I cannot help but think of taking Ray’s um… into my hands or caressing it with my lips. Sure that Anne guessed my distraction and I’m embarrassed further.

It has been decided today that Jenny would stay at AU another week. I call back home and then make a visit back to Upper Valley College. I have a list of the books needed for the coming semester. I’m ready to purchase two of my needed textbooks. I don’t have any trouble purchasing the books. That is until I literally run into Alicia and I’m caught off guard.

Alicia says, “Hello” and then asks me, “What class do we know each other from?”

I tell her, “My name is Jenny Connors”. But she does not remember a Jenny on campus that looks like me. Finally something I say that gives it away and Alicia’s eyes become like saucers. She hugs me, “O Jennifer, it is so wonderful to meet you.” Anne is looking on, probably relieved it is a pleasant encounter. I introduce Anne, and Alicia says, “You’re on the Amber women’s basketball team.”

Anne says, “We are the Amber basketball team; maybe in a year or two we will have a men’s team. We are going co-ed this coming year.”

Alicia, Anne and I take time to visit. We then go out to eat together. I order a salad like a good woman watching her weight. When I need to go to the women’s room Alicia is all too happy to go with me. It actually feels nice to have a friend of Brian’s who knows what is happening.

Before I go back to my college to begin the semester, Dr. Heath suggests I begin to take a hormone blocker until I make a decision on my identity. When I balk she strongly suggests that it would be good decision to change my mind. She finally becomes frustrated with me and suggests I quit wasting time or just decide I’m not going to cross dress anymore.

When I suggest, “I don't need to quit crossdressing. I can do it without you.”

She speaks up saying, “You don’t need Anne and Cyndi either if it is just to cross-dress.”

I say, “Jenny desires friends to have as any normal person.” I break down and we visit about my relationship with my parents and others. Dr. Heath recommends when I go back to college, to go back to just being Brian.

I agree but even while at AU my stuttering and nervousness returns some. I am back for the hormone blocker before I leave, but now Dr. Heath won’t give it to me until February. She says, since I refused earlier it would not be wise to start it on such an emotional swing. She believes I should be taking the blocker. But she wants me to live with my decisions and not be wavering back and forth.

Three players at Amber have come to realize I’m probably a guy in transition. I acknowledge I have not made any such decision. They confront me with how much and how well I had been crossdressing; guessing it was at least since sometime in November. Shelby asks, "How old were you when you started cross-dressing?"

Back at campus, I am again asked to help with the Aggie women’s basketball team. This time my top has a noticeable smell of perfume. I sarcastically thank Alicia later to which she only smiles. Since I’m received well and am having a good time with the players, other guys at my college are getting either more jealous or angry about the attention I’m getting. I do stay at college and limit most of my communication with Anne as I try to stay straight.

It is the 23rd when Alicia asks what the problem is as my personal problems are returning. My quiz results and focus are also suffering as time passes. When I confide with her what has been happening. She gets up and goes to a clothes drawer and gets a pair of panties. She suggests I put them on and be the person she met, at least in secret. When we study in her room she has me wearing a camisole which we both enjoy. One night her roommate is gone for the night she has me dress and stay as Jenny.

We talk the next several days long and hard about the implications of my changing identity. While I am not comfortable about the idea, I’m talking with a new openness. That weekend Alicia invites Jenny to stay with her. While we get quite romantic, Alicia only permits it between her and Jenny. Alicia’s enjoying our friendship having a new role.

My roommate isn’t figuring out much but he suggests, “Why don’t you just wear one earring or do whatever you want and stop trying to hide who you are?” Greg says, “You will be lucky if your father’s problems with you are your biggest problem. But you need to learn to be comfortable with yourself. If you can’t do it at college you have a problem.”

I had inquired about going home the weekend after school started; dad’s message was “If I was coming home I need to have a regular boy haircut and make an apology.” My visit ended up being a phone conversation with my mom. When I decided I was not going home, Mom chides me for being so stubborn.

Come the weekend, I go back to Amber and it happens to be the same weekend Cassie is visiting the campus. She had a Thursday game at high school and took off the next day from school for one of her college visits.

Her plan is to visit Amber with her parents, on their own Friday, as well as another school and then meet with officials Saturday morning. She would attend the game at 1 p.m. and then go onto another school she expects to be her top choice. That being Rutgers, our own state’s university.

Cassie makes a surprise early visit on Friday, to see things under regular conditions. She and two of the professors of the Medical College accidentally meet and begin their visit with Cassie. They take her and her parents to dinner Friday night. Cassie is surprised when they make a promise no other school was willing to make. While they demanded she be an excellent student, they’re sure their medical college could give her any option she would like. Her desire is to play basketball and pursue her desire in medicine, hopefully to be a surgical doctor.

While I happened to get a glimpse of her, she has no way of expecting or recognizing me. Friday night Cassie called to my college dorm wanting to see if we could talk. She’ was told I’m visiting friends at AU. She suspected I have a romantic interest that she had not heard of. Saturday she asks someone about me being at AU but as expected they don’t know of me. The student said to her, “We’re growing so much I don’t know a lot of the students. There's no way I’m going to know their boyfriends.”

Coach O’Mara calls me and Anne sharing while she wants my help for the game. She insists I am to keep a good distance between Cassie and me. And if I cannot concentrate on the basketball game to stay away altogether.

It is only after a little girl had been hit by a ball in pre-game warm ups and she's crying that Cassie sees and hears something suspicious. I consoled the little girl, and ask for a basketball and ask Anne and other players to sign it. Cassie sees something and has mixed feelings in realizing the possibility of it being me.

She likes the person she is seeing and she likes me. But she finds it hard, unbelievable, there could be any good reason for me to be in a skirt. She laughs at the thought of me looking like an attractive girl. She watches Coach make a point to visit with me before the coach goes to the locker room at half time.

During halftime Cassie goes for refreshments and circles around to my side and sits behind me. She covers my eyes with her hands. She asks, “What do you think about the chances of Cassie Conley coming to Amber?”

I say, “I only recently learned she’s one of the top recruits in the nation. I can’t imagine a better college for a true student athlete of her status.”

She mentions my action of giving a signed ball to crying little girl as my unveiling. I get up and turn to Cassie, tears are in my eyes. Cassie says, “I don’t fully understand but I like the person I see and the person I know. I know your heart and you are such a good guy... um. I hope we can meet and talk afterwards.” She does ask me not to reveal myself just to her parents.

The team comes back out and I go down to the court. Cassie goes back to sitting with her folks. AU has a decisive victory; showing both the discipline of the team and the quality of the coach and staff.

Instead of leaving for her other college visit, she asks for the outline of the agreement. She shakes hands affirming her intent and decision to come to Amber University. Coach and Dr. Roberta Mason, the Dean of the College of Medicine, are to meet with her and family taking them out to dinner. Anne and I are invited at Cassie’s request.

Dr. Jane Campbell meets everyone at the restaurant. It was not expected but it is very impressive to Cassie and her parents. She conveys her pleasure to meet and welcome Cassie and her folks.

When I need to go to the restroom Anne goes with me. While we were in there Cassie comes in and says little, until she asks Anne, “Is she being punished for something? I know Brian can get himself in trouble. I don’t see him doing this of his own free will.”

Anne asks, “Do you remember Brian talking fluidly? Have you noticed any other signs of improvement?”

She smiles, “Yes, I am happy to see that and other changes. Jenny is much more outgoing, organized in her thoughts as well as her neat appearance. Brian isn’t usually like that.” She apologizes, “I’m sorry Bri… Jenny for saying that. I don’t say it to be mean.”

Coach thanks me later for my influence with Cassie. She shares, “This will solidify Amber University getting Stacy Strong and help us to land another very good recruit.”

Somehow Cassie is betting another very good player will come. When asked to elaborate, Cassie said, “Good players, playing as a good team with a great coach will be attractive to someone who is especially good.”

Cassie and I visit over the phone. I share about Marcy being the best forward for Cassie’s style of play. I tell her about Marcy sitting out and being back the coming year as a freshman.

I already know Marcy is taking advantage of her opportunity to become a good student. Cassie thanks me for letting her know of this life changing opportunity. She had been getting afraid that she would not have the opportunity to be both a medical student and a basketball player, at least not at the same time. She extends her love and support for me to come to peace with being the woman she has met. She again remarks about the improvement in Jenny’s speech and expression of thought as being very impressive.

She again asks, “Did your wearing girls’ clothing start out as your choice or some kind on consequence?” She laughs when I tell her the sequence of events and that it is definitely now fully my choice.

Cassie giggles over the phone, “I think it’s funny that you wear skirts and dresses more often than I do.” She asks, “Do you really have such good taste in clothes and creating your look, or is someone else responsible dressing you?” We laugh as I share I’m enjoying dressing and making myself up more. I did tell her, “I did learn a lot just watching customers at Carol’s Towne Shoppe, but Anne and the team has shown me there’s much more to being a gir... a woman.”

“I do experiment some to find what looks good for me. And I come up with some choices that others forbid me to wear in public.”

It is the next day that I take the hormone blocker. I am more accepting of my transformation and the likelihood I am a transgendered woman.

Back at my college Alicia and I grow as even better friends. She and her team has improved their game enough that the Aggie women’s team is likely to make it into the play-offs at the end of the season. It is further than anyone expected and it would help them in recruiting as well.

My class work continues to go well. I also begin to exercise more getting myself into better shape.

While in early March, I will go to the first round of play-off games for AU. I do not go to Cleveland where they lose the game that would have allowed them to advance to the final four in their division. It is a moment of sorrow for Anne as it is her senior year.

A week later in March I am back at Amber I am asked by Anne and Cyndi about going out to dinner. We are going out to the parking lot when one of them throws me the keys asks for me to drive. When I ask whose car, they point to a light blue car and share it is mine. It is a used, five year old Dodge and is presently rented for me to use.

Alicia asks me to go with her to our college’s spring formal. That comes a week after I was talked into attending a Philadelphia social gala as Jenny.

I call Carol and ask if she has a formal gown worthy of a Philadelphia social. The next day Anne goes with me to help select a gown and to make sure it is good enough for a major city.

Anne says, “Carol is right, she has a dozen gowns worthy of the event near your size. I wish I had not already selected mine.” Anne helps me select three that she wants me to try and consider. We want Carol to accept the gown is for a friend like we tell her.

Carol excuses the other staff from the back area and asks if we want to try on the gowns. Anne hesitates, but Carol asks, “Do one of you want to try on the gown.” Carol seemingly knows what is going and I don’t think she cares. I have not told Anne that Carol knows about me.

Anne however insists, “We are picking it out for someone else. We either need to take our selection to her or have her come another time to try it on.”

Carol says, “It is key that the young lady to wear it should be the one to try it on here. She needs to be fitted properly for her gown.” She directs her next comment, “Please Anne this is not fully a surprise. I saw a change coming Thanksgiving and more come Christmas. Jenny was here. I don’t know if Brian told you of anything that happened years before. If she didn’t want to be out, I don’t think she would be here today.”

We’re leaning towards a teal colored gown that we’re most excited about it. Finally I agree to try it on, with the assurance no one else will see us. It is a very beautiful gown on me, but Carol encourages me to also try the shimmering dark blue gown she has out for me. Anne and I soon know that Carol is encouraging us to select the correct gown for me. I’m trying it on and it is beautiful beyond words.

Carol has fun doing the fitting and sharing with Anne some experiences I had not yet shared. Anne has gone to the car to get the needed items to wear for the gown to be properly fitted. Carol comments on liking the woman she’s seeing. I ask if she really saw this coming. She responds, “It was only a matter if you would ever accept seeing this is you.” Carol brings out some jewelry she want me to wear. We’ll purchase some of it as well...

To be continued…

Brian Graham/Jenny Connors
Carl and Ellen Graham – Parents
Ron, Dan and Dave Graham
Kayla Graham, mother Barbara
Anne Greene
Shelby, Cyndi, Beth – Students at Amber University
Drs. Drabrowski, Heath and Roberta Mason, Dean of the College of Medicine
Alicia, Greg Ford – students at Upper Valley College
Coach Jessica O’Mara Dave O'Mara
Kyle and Heather O’Mara
Dr. Elizabeth Campbell, PhD – AU President
Carol Hart – Carol’s or The Towne Shoppe
Michelle – Assistant store manager
Cassie Conley, Marie and Henry Conley
Marcy Moore – AU Basketball player
Roberta Mason - Dean of the College of Medicine
Stacy Strong another recruit along with Cassie

Carol and Anne both realize, I’m becoming more and more anxious as the transformation progresses. Carol says, “I know Jenny that the final decision if this is you, belongs to you. I think it is very becoming of you. If this is you in time the people who love you will come to love you for being you, the person they love.” Anne is happy that Carol is encouraging Jenny while leaving Jenny the final decision. The sharing of her acceptance and the likelihood of others means a lot.

Carol adds, “It is more a matter if you will accept this.” Carol continues, “If you change universities and want the job. I would strongly consider opening a store in the Philadelphia area for you to work at now and manage after you graduate.”

She turns to Anne, “She has the potential to be one of the best women’s apparel saleswomen and managers I’ve seen.”

When I suggest she means salesman; Carol states, “Right now, my suggestion is to you Jenny, the woman I see before me.”

She changes the conversation back to the fitting, “We will have the gown ready in ten days, please remember to come as Jenny. The Dress is for you and you will need to try it to be sure that everything fits and looks the way you want it.”

Anne shares on the way back to Amber, “You’re the worst giggly girl I’ve ever met.” While I know it is an overstatement I remember how I felt, the bubbling of my feelings, isn’t like me. But I didn’t realize it is that visible to Anne. She confirms that Carol is amused by my responses as well.

Anne asks, “What're the chances of you taking Carol up on her offer of going to work for her?”

I say, “That was all news to me. It’s a great offer, but I don’t think it would be my first choice.” Anne gets me to talk about my educational interests in relation to what Amber has to offer. When she talks to me about engineering I giggle again, “I don’t have the aptitude for it.”

She says, “Your career and aptitude testing shows quite the opposite. While you have low self-esteem. Not only do you have a strong aptitude for engineering, but you also have a unique ability for seeing possibilities.”

I tell her, “But I have to work hard just to be a good student, any thought of engineering or grad school is out of the question.” The suggestion for me to transfer at the end of the semester is growing and I am leaning towards it, yet the idea seems strange. It comes with expectations for me to be in a program that will stretch me as a person and a student as well. “I could see considering coming to Amber. It would be a big step in itself, and it would be easier to start there if it would be as Jenny.

Back at Upper Valley College, I had started to do some aerobics as well as running two to three times a week as far back as mid-February. Funny enough, I don’t notice changes as Brian, but I’m now able to wear some clothes in women’s size ten. Previously, I had been squeezing into size twelve’s. Anne knows I’m losing weight but she does not know that I’m running and trying to get into shape like she and the other women around me.

The next time, I return to the AU campus Anne tells me to get myself over to the admissions office. When I suggest changing back to Brian, she gives me a change of clothes with a purse, “They’re expecting Jenny in about 40 minutes.” The change is quick and nice. I even do my own makeup as Cyndi helps with my hair. Admissions Director Maria Stephens meets me in the Admissions Office, acknowledging she has seen me with the basketball team. “When you started helping the basketball team, I was hoping you were considering to transfer here.”

When I ask about filling out the application, she acknowledges, “Things will be more complicated in your applying but we’re interested in having you here. We will work to make that all possible.” She asks me to relax and says I should be applying as Jenny. That is how the application and the meeting proceed. She gives another assessment and for now, we leave the possibilities of my academic majors open.

The results show possibilities in business administration, fashion and textiles, engineering, education, and accounting. I’m considering to have my application processed in the areas of Fashion and Textiles, Engineering, and Accounting. I’m not yet taking them seriously though. Business Administration is my current major at Upper Valley.

Amber University’s average cost is over $5,000 higher than Upper Valley’s which I can barely afford with my parent’s help. I am certain if the impasse at home continues I will soon be without family support for my senior year. My folks sent their financial information to me but it openly states I no longer will be receiving their financial support if I choose to transfer or disconnected with the family.

Because of my improved grades, it is possible that I could now qualify for grants under academic merit. That will require additional verification and would take time as well as cost me money and delays going through the procedures. I can already receive financial aid under economic need. But because I have recently been receiving support from my parents and their home continues to be my legal address, all that is at risk and doubtful as well. I am told by a financial offer, I would need to establish another place of residence for six months before I would qualify to apply for most programs.

Anne is waiting to meet me after my final interviews and visits. We eat at one of the cafeterias in a different housing complex for dinner. It and a room to stay in are provided by the Admissions department. I tell Anne, “Strangely I’ll probably be offered admissions to the College of Engineering and the College of Textiles and Fashion. Maria is sure I could be accepted in the College of Business and Commerce or Accounting but they are not currently recommending that. Their suggestion for business administration would be to remain with Upper Valley College.”

Anne says, “I heard them say to you that the financial aid department would contact you about financial support within the week. It is important for you to make as early of a decision as possible. Both those colleges are nearing their freshman capacity, even with each receiving over 75 or more students in the coming year because we’re becoming a co-educational university.”

Anne has given additional letters of recommendation upon our leaving the Admissions Office.

I call home and my father answers. I can tell it has not been a good day. I’m told, I now owe a written apology along with a proper haircut. I mention, “I’m thinking of changing my major to engineering and transferring to Amber University.” Dad simply responds, “You don’t have what it takes, even with your grades improving. It would be too difficult for you to tough it through engineering.”

My dad has usually been very supportive of his sons. He openly states he feels like I’m not acting as a member of the family. I hoped to visit with family and with Cassie when I went home but everything quickly looks doubtful.

Dr. Campbell calls Anne and me personally asking for us to come for dinner the following day.

The following day, Anne and I go to President Campbell’s for an early dinner. President Campbell and her husband John greet us warmly. John excuses himself after eating dinner with us. President Campbell is encouraging me to transfer to Amber stating, “I would really like to see you come to Amber as a student, I think it would be better for you in many ways. I will personally as President seek to take care of enough of your financial concerns. I feel comfortable asking you to fully commit to being a good student and a good Ambassador.”

When I ask what the financial support would be; she asks, “Are you ready to transfer and be the woman I’m hosting? I know there is more about you than I know, but that hope is for you to share in time.” I look to Anne as if to ask, ‘Do I dare share?’ Anne neither encourages nor discourages me.

I take a deep breath and begin, “Who I am is even a surprise to me. Yes, I plan to transfer to Amber and to become the woman you see before you.” Anne gets up, comes over to me and gives me a big hug sharing, “I hope you are being honest.”

President Campbell asks, “Anne are you surprised by Jenny’s answer?” Anne’s answer is, “Not really, I thought for sure she’s moving toward it. I think her sharing reflects a comfort she has with you.”

President Campbell soon gives me a hug. “May I tell you how honored I am that you dare to share all this with me.” She says, “I’m willing to give you a President’s scholarship at Anne’s and other recommendations that you be received here as a student. We’d like to receive you into the College of Engineering for a degree in Engineering – ‘Design, Space Utilization, and Ideas’.” She shares, “I am under the understanding that you have an uncanny gift of ascertaining possibilities and suggesting their application. Coach Jessica O’Mara credits you with some of the changes in the Women’s Basketball game.”

“It was stated you were instrumental in recruiting Cassie Conley as a student-athlete as well.” She asks my opinion, “Do you agree that your input has been crucial? Please understand we would be impressed with getting Cassie if she decides never to play a game of basketball here.”

I state, “My involvement is all overstated. Coach O’Mara and the players are responsible for their success. The interest of Cassie to be an athlete here comes from their success and how good Coach is.”

“I shared with Cassie last December about Amber’s education style. The academics, flexibility of the medical program. It's high standards and people taking interest in what she desires are all responsible for attracting Cassie as a student/athlete.”

Dr. Campbell calls Cassie while we’re meeting. I hear President Campbell ask her about my influence, Cassie shares, “I made my decision on the merits of your academics, the medicine program as well as the athletic program. It is true I would never have even considered Amber if Brian had not encouraged me to visit and consider the university.”

President Campbell asks, “Cassie, would you be happy if Jenny came to Amber or would you rather she didn’t?” Anne and I become silent, and though we’re embarrassed, we listen in on the conversation.

I could hear the giggle in Cassie’s voice over the phone, “O I’m very much hoping to see Jenny as much as I can. It would be neat to share a suite together.” Campbell covers the phone to confirm if Cassie knows I’m Jenny. “Cassie, would you like to speak to Jenny Connors?” We visit for a short time as President Campbell and Anne move away and talk to each other.

Upon my finishing talking with Cassie, I stay to talk to Dr. Campbell. Anne ventures back to attend a meeting with Coach O’Mara and the team.

I have a great time meeting with Dr. Campbell, later with her and her husband. We take much more time than anticipated and I became extremely tired. I guess I had spent a lot of nervous energy.

I am surprised when Dr. Campbell takes me to an upstairs bedroom. She says, “I am sorry I have kept you so long, but I am now worried about how tired you have become. I fear you’ve become sick. I’m asking you to take a shower and to stay here overnight, please. I have asked for one of our doctors to come over and check on you. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m that deeply concerned.”

She hands me a nicely folded clothing item, “This is a very nice cotton nightgown that I believe will fit you properly. This was our daughter April’s room, I think you will find her bed quite comfortable.”

“I am hopeful the doctor will find it no more than what a good night’s rest will take care of. But I have seen enough to warrant the precaution. I will be in with the doctor when she arrives if that is alright with you.

It is surprising to me when it is Dr. Mason, the Dean of the College of Medicine who is checking on me. It is explained that she is Dr. Campbell’s personal physician and the best person for keeping things confidential.

It is a less than a week to Upper Valley’s Junior/Senior Spring formal and two weeks to the Philadelphia Social. I’m going to the Philadelphia’s Collegiate Society Ball as Jenny with a senior from the University of Pennsylvania. He’s 6’4” and a Business major. It is funny because I have already met him once. We had previously danced together. I had been thankful then that I was not a girl as I could tell he was endowed in his maleness. Anne laughs about my assessment of him.

Alicia is sad about my decision to transfer though not surprised and quite understanding. She does ask if she and Jenny can go out a time or two, even though it is Brian who is going with her to Upper Valley Junior/Senior Spring Formal. I’m surprised at her interest. Alicia goes with Anne and me to pick up my gown. She even helps me change in her room to be dressed as Jenny before we leave. When I try on my gown it’s more exquisite than I had realized. The long sleeves and style of the dress help me to appear even thinner and more feminine.

Alicia jokingly shares, “I would be willing to take Jenny to the UVC’s formal but I don’t want to be upstaged.” She suggests which heels I should wear. Carol is quite pleased and suggests one more alteration. We have coffee with Carol while her seamstress makes the final alteration.

When I try the dress again, Carol shows me off to her staff and a few customers. Several people are family friends, but thankfully no one recognizes who I am. My girl name is unfamiliar to all.

One customer hurriedly calls the newspaper to come and get a picture. While the local paper is a small town weekly newspaper, they’ll be sharing it with another daily paper. I later learn that it is shared again with the Philadelphia paper. Carol emails me when it is to be in the Courier News. Cyndi calls me when it is in the Philadelphia Inquirer as well. My escort calls Cyndi and wants my phone number. Luckily, I now have a second phone with a distinctive ring.

Once when I’m in Alicia bathroom I find her and her roommate's contraception pill discs. Suspecting they will not do anything for me, I pilfered two pills from Alicia and one from her roommate Brenda. Alicia later after the UVC social, asks me about their disappearance. I only own up to taking one of hers but I am quite sure she has figured the truth. She shows me her new canister of pills and gives me her old disk still containing some pills. She states, “You should not be taking them, but I’m pretty sure you will.”

Alicia and I have recently begun to run together in the morning. She helps me to transform over to Jenny before anytime I leave for Amber. With her help, Jenny leaves our campus with little notice.

Anne shares I need to be to her room no later than 10 a.m. in preparation for the Philadelphia Collegiate Social. When I get there, I find out that my salon appointment is at 11:00 a.m. It’s a luxury that I thought would kill me. It would have if Anne and Marcy did not help a shy Jenny as the day progresses.

The experience of receiving so much attention at the salon is overwhelmingly wonderful. I receive many hair extensions that allow a more elaborate hairstyle. The style and permanent requires it. I enjoy it from the simplest things to seeing myself beyond anything I could have imagined. The manicurist does my hands and feet while Peggy my stylist is working with me. It is a necessity of time.

I change into my gown with Marcy’s help and come out of a changing area for my last bit of makeup. That’s when my beautician recognizes me from a photo in the Philadelphia Inquirer. She takes my picture when I’m all done and asks if she could use the picture. Anne requests them to discount half the price of my appointment and it’s a deal.

It’s now 4:00 and we have until 5:15 before we meet our dates and go to two pre-ball receptions. One is at Amber and the other at the University of Pennsylvania. Getting to watch Anne is my only saving grace from worrying too much about myself.

President Campbell greets me at Amber and thanks me for the early publicity. She shares, “People will be out to see if you can live up to the newspaper’s billing?”

I ask for advice on how to find the back door. She lightly laughs and encourages me, “Try to relax and enjoy yourself. If you have any problems seek a friend and then go to the lady’s room.”

Coach O’Mara asks me to take a picture with team members going to the Social.

My stop at the University of Penn is my first taste of the public. While most of it is supportive, I also experienced some derision. ‘Jim’ my escort is very supportive and happy to have me on his arm. He's not used to the attention either but says he’s enjoying the reaction. He said, "There were a few coeds who would never go out with him before. Those people are more cordial to me now.”

While I am not a great dancer, I do well. Anne says that I carry myself well all evening. Any comment from Anne is helpful.

I have a couple of encounters with women who are less than hospitable. One introduces herself, Amanda Knight, and at first, she seems very warm. That lasts until she asks me in a very condescending fashion, “I was wondering if you’re a small town girl majoring education or nursing?”

I say, “Thank you for the compliment, I think both teaching and nursing are such important careers.” She takes the bait and her condescending attitude becomes more pronounced. I tell her, “Teaching in my field would require a doctoral degree. And most think it should be grounded with 5-10 years of professional experience. I don’t see myself going that route. Though, I will do some grad school work in engineering.” Amanda seems embarrassed, especially in front of her friends.

The evening has Jim and I share many slow, close dances as well as some faster ones. Luckily I’ve learned to dance better as a woman during the past month. I’m enjoying the evening.

It feels strange being beautifully adorned like a princess, to be kissing a shining knight and dancing with him at a gala event like a Philadelphia’s Social. Is it Jim that excites me or the new feelings of seeing myself as a woman that is arousing the romantic fantasy playing in my mind? The evening holds many growing emotions, and with two dates with Jim the past few weeks it doesn’t feel like a rush to be intimate. From conversations during the evening with others and one visit to the women’s room. I know the mood is not just coming from men.

We’re in his car ready to be on our way back to Amber when I remember something Anne shared. I place my hand on his lap and whisper enough to change our direction. Jim has already chosen one of the better hotels in the city. And he already has a key. “Jim, were you assuming a bit much?”

He smiles, “It is more like I was hoping. I wasn’t surprised when we were driving away.”

Once up to our room, we begin with a warm embrace that is like an intimate dance. Jim mutters about how it feels to have me in his arms. When I look to him, I feel my own warm feelings building as I loosen his tie as he loosens the clasp at the back of my gown.

I do take time to step out of my gown and to drape it on a chair instead of allowing it to fall to the floor as Jim does with his tux.

It takes but a moment to get the nerve to run my hand down upon him and it is more sensual than sexual, though the lines of that thought are quite blurred. It takes another a moment to build up my desire to please him. I justify in my mind what I’m willing to do. I’m hoping he will not try forcing himself upon me to the point of discovering my secret or I took him into my confidence.

I move down caressing his body with my hands and kisses as I move. We don’t do as much as I’m sure he would like but he does find it arousing and pleasing him. I’m afraid he is in danger of quickly cumming. I am able to help him relax enough to help his feelings become more intense as well as to heighten more. He says it is his best time, despite us not going as far.

We stay in the room until five in the morning and I please him twice more. Strange to me, I have the growing desire of having him penetrating me and I'm wanting to have an orgasm as impossible as it is. I don’t do it, as there is a growing sense if I do it; I want it to be with that someone special.

When we meet Anne and her boyfriend for breakfast Anne’s smirking, “What has been taking you so long?”

I discreetly ask about anyone being able to find out my identity through AU’s research program. She assures me that Jenny’s name and the information are not identifiable there. I have enough time for a short nap before transforming back and getting back to my college. Transforming back to Brian, now takes greater effort as well as more time.

I now have two and a half short weeks before finals. Alicia and I as Jenny go out twice: Once for dinner and window shopping around Peddlers’ Village. The other a light meal and out for an evening of dancing. While we do dance together we’re interrupted by guys cutting in to dance with us.

I stay the rest of my time at UVC through exam time. I’m called in by our college President Dr. Clarke and he asks about my transferring to AU. He too has a degree in engineering as well as a degree from our college, plus his Ph.D. Dr. Clarke says he suspects there’s something more as they have lost students to Amber before either school was going coed.

He tells me of a student in the past, who he knew had gender issues. He’s kind of offering an olive branch to me that I might know I could confide in him or another college staff. I ask if he’s hoping that I would confide in him. He says he would, whatever the circumstance have respect for me. Then he asks if I would dine at his home that night? After our dinner, we go to a living area gaining some privacy; we visit about how it’s normal during college for a student to wrestle with concerns in many areas of life. Ones that a person has not felt comfortable or safe to do before at home or with family.

President Clarke says, “A predominantly male college like ours often has students wrestling with identity issues where the student is trying to fight his identity and prove to himself and others how much of a man he really is. Being a man may mean to come to grips with being a person of one’s own defining. While we might be in an enlightened age, there is much to learn.” Finally, he asks, “Would you carry a letter to President Campbell about my support for their programs, especially as it affects UVC students. If you transfer I hope you will remember Upper Valley in a good light.”

I thankful for his openness, “Dr. Clarke I appreciate your support and I’m an avid believer in the quality of our College. While I am not yet comfortable talking openly, you seem to have an understanding and compassion for what I’m wrestling with.”

I call President Campbell with news about my visit with Dr. Clark. She shares that she already respects him as the President of Upper Valley and as the man. She says her admiration of him grew a couple of measures with what I had to say. I sit down and write a letter home sharing about my transferring and that I’m wrestling with how I see myself. I include that I have some counseling for myself.

The Tuesday after AU’s graduation I moved to Amber living as Jenny. Anne is staying on campus to continue her studies as well as to do a practicum within her field as required by their program. Engineering is a five-year program here.

Amber University is insisting I take some pre-engineering classes this summer. Life is different as I’m immersing myself in being Jenny during the summer, taking classes and working a minimum of twenty hours a week. While I’m accepted into the college of engineering. AU is not signing off on my transition, especially since my parents aren’t supportive. My transition to becoming Jenny in some ways is moving forward as I am living as a woman the best I can. Financial concerns for various medical costs are a part of the delay. Much of that could come under programs once I am officially approved for it.

They openly challenge if I am being completely open with them. Dr. Heath forthrightly states “I feel a new world is opening for your life, but we need to be sure we’re not opening Pandora’s Box. We’re near the place of crossing a threshold which we won’t be able to cross back over…

Story to be continued…

I’m seen through the medical research clinic and Dr. Gere Heath continues to be my doctor. I'm continuing the male hormone blocker. One of the prescriptions I’m to begin taking is like the contraception pills I've gotten a hold of but at a higher than normal dose. Shaking my head it only looks like one I had been taking.

I’m given a summer work job at Amber to help clean out two of the dorms and prepare them for the next semester. Doing so I find several discarded pill discs with medicine as well as some useful clothes items from running shoes and fashionable exercise clothes to light jackets or lost jewelry or money stuffed in furniture. While I know better than to keep or use other people's medicine, I do. I probably shouldn’t have kept them. I only take one occasionally, to supplement the urges as impatient to see changes.

Thursday morning, Anne wakes me at 5:30 to run with her. I hope I will surprise her by agreeing and showing off the good shape I’m in. We’ve probably been running maybe a mile when she pauses at a monument and she encourages me to continue. It already felt like I had reached my endurance minutes ago, but I agree to continue. When we finally stop she asks me to keep walking and we talk. I tell Anne it had been awhile since I had run so much.

She realized I had been exercising, and she asks me the distance that we ran? When I say over to two miles. She asks, “Would believe it was over 3 ½ miles.”

I tell her, “Sorry, you’re just trying to make me feel good, but I know I would not be able to do that. I thought you only ran a little over a mile. And I was surprised to have run two miles with you.” We’re back to Amber and we get in her car. She takes me to drive the route we had run and it is in fact over the 3 ½ miles where we stopped and it’s over four miles by the time we finished walking back to AU.

She asks me what hurt most? It is a toss-up between my legs and chest. The latter is from my false boobs bouncing and pulling on my chest.

She got me up to run on Saturday and again Monday as well, and by then I’m hooked on running with her. The only difference is I now have a sports bra and better running shoes. I find some nice pairs of cross-trainers my size when clearing the dorm rooms. One pair looks brand new. I have bought two pair of running socks that helped protect my feet from rubbing and a couple of sports bras.

The following week we begin doing aerobics and light weight training the other three days. Anne has me begin playing in some pick-up basketball games at Amber. She also plays some in Philadelphia.

The pre-engineering class I began is going surprisingly well. As is a class in basic engineering concepts.

Week three begins with me going for my next medical check, but it's postponed two weeks. Closer to the end of June I’m finally getting my check-up. And I am proud as I begin to feel more like the girl I think I am.

I can see Dr. Gere is getting more and more concerned about something she’s seeing. Dr. Heath speaks to me; she asks questions that become more forceful, personal and finally stern. She underscores my need to be open and honest with her. Finally, she asks, “Have you been taking anything besides what I have prescribed?”

I know I’m in big trouble as I share about the extra pills that I had taken. I'm now taking them almost daily. She calls in Dr. Florence Drabrowski as well as Dr. Campbell and shares, “Brian has put us in an uncomfortable spot. He’s now far enough along either we need to make a decision about him transitioning or cut him from the program letting him go on his own.”

They needed to make a decision if they will permit me in their program and to go ahead in their transitioning program. I guess their program has accountability concerns I am not sensitive to. All other things point to me needing in their program, but having used other medicines and not following their instructions now makes things problematic for them and me.

I have already decided to undergo the transitioning to be a woman. They require I meet with a Dr. Mason and Dr. Kowalski to get approval to continue. They all decided I’m now not permitted to wear breast forms anymore as I need to come to terms with my body and becoming comfortable with who I am.

Luckily a good padded bra helps my ego and appearance. I now wear an ‘A’ cup bra. While I help my appearance with enhancements. It arouses me as I see and feel my breasts and nipples change on their own. I am disappointed they do not measure up to other college women. Anne reminds me that is normal for women.

My penis usually pushed back out of view, now comes to mind very little. I am not really noticing the change in size as they are taking place daily. I know Brian is diminishing and my feelings as Jenny are growing.

I
’d been called by Coach O’Mara’s to her office where she asks me to attend her three weeks of basketball camps in July. She says it will help me to be immersed in women’s activities. I agree to the first single week program and maybe a little more but I do not commit to doing more than that.

The Report comes back from my visits with Doctors Mason and Kowalski. I’d been approved to continue in my transitioning with strict conditions including weekly check-ups with Dr. Heath. It is good to be back on good terms and moving forward.

As I have done before I write and share with my parents what’s going on and being more honest. I didn’t know at the time my letters are being discarded, unopened.

The workouts at basketball camp cause my breasts to remain the same size. Which seemingly is a good indicator to Dr. Heath that they’re in fact growing. That doesn’t quite make sense to me, as larger breasts would be more indicative of growth to me.

Coach O’Mara convinces me that I've improved enough in basketball to stay part of the basketball camp for the full three weeks. Come to the end of July, she’s now asking me to attend their basketball camp in early August for walk-ons and new recruits coming into the university. There are eighteen women: four recruits including Cassie and Stacy. The recruits and two walk-ons, plus Marcy will make the last of the traveling team. Up to eight others can be on the scout/practice team, leaving two to four not making either team.

Surely I’ll be in the latter group, I accept taking part with Coach knowing my anticipation.

It’s in the second week of the college try-out camp, Dr. Heath walks into practice at the top of the bleachers with two other adults. Because of sunlight coming in behind them I do not recognize who it is. I’m called to Dr. Heath as the one adults sit down. When I recognize my mom, I’m too shocked to move further. I hadn’t opened a message from the clinic before I came to practice. Nor did I know I have messages in my mailbox, all sharing about my mother coming.

I’m scared and want to run, but Anne is close by to stop me. A smile in the midst of my mother’s tears helps to calm me. My sister-in-law Barb and a niece Kayla come forward to support mom. Kayla comes over to me and wants to be lifted up. Despite being a little sweaty, I pick her up and she’s a joy to behold. “Mommy says you are my Aunt Jennie, but I haven’t met you before.”

I happily tell her, “Your mom is right; I would very much love to be your Aunt Jenny.”

Kayla asks with a puzzled look, “But who is my uncle; what is your husband’s name?” I tell her, “I’m not married, is that okay?” Mom also has thoughts and questions to share. I shower, come back in my street clothes, a yellow skirt, and white blouse today. Then we go to lunch. Mom and Barb both speak of their surprise, “We don’t see many traces of the boy we knew.”

“I’m very happy that’s true. Mom hearing you makes me more content with how I am transitioning and that the transformation is genuine.”

Mom says, “I hear vast improvements in your speech and in communicating your thoughts. That is far more important than how you appear to me.”

Coach O’Mara sought us out and sits down for a short visit. She speaks, "Cassie has shared that too with me that Jenny's transformation is so much more than appearance." She asks my mother, "If that is true, what are some of the most dramatic or pleasing changes you notice?" Mom has no trouble or shortage of observations. She does share, "While I see the changes, I do not believe she's going to be received so readily by others in the family."

I enjoyed our visit. It is a big step which surprisingly comes after I have not heard from my family. We tour the campus and I show them my dorm room. Mom is surprised I take much better care of my room. Barb takes interest in seeing my wardrobe. “You or someone has good taste in picking your clothes.”

Mom asks about Coach O’Mara’s statement about me being on the women’s basketball team. I tell mom, “I’m as surprised about that statement. I’m sure she must have meant the scouting team or being on staff as I helped last year.”

Barb says, “Coach O’Mara stated to me, you are likely to be a member of the college team.” I tell her that probably means part of support staff for the team.

Come 3:30 mom says that they needed to head back. Kayla asks her mom to stay with me. I say to Kayla, “Maybe sometime when your mom knows me better it can happen.” Barb takes me aside and asks, “Is there anything that Kayla could not handle if she stays?”

I say, “She would have to sit through hours of practice each day if I cannot find a sitter. I wouldn’t be able to bring her back until Friday after my last practice of the week. I would somehow get her back tomorrow if it is too upsetting for her.”

Barb asks, “Kayla do you really want to stay here with your Aunt Jenny?” When I take Kayla up in my arms; Mom and Barb are moved by the flow of my tears. They know I’m in heaven with Kayla in my arms. Barb starts to walk to the car but comes back. I’m afraid she’s changed her mind about leaving Kayla with me. Barb asks me, “Were you the woman in that exquisite gown from the Towne Shoppe?”

When I smile shyly, she just says, “Wow girl, you looked gorgeous and it wasn’t just the gown!” I thank her. She walks away laughing. Kayla has a change of clothes with her, but she needs pajamas and a few more things. Coach O’Mara calls me having heard I have my niece for the next few days. She asks me, “Would it be okay to have Kayla play with my children during our workouts?”

I thank and tell her, “I will get her to your sitter.”

I ask about clarifying my place on the staff team. She tells me that I'm the one who misunderstood her statement. She states “It isn’t decided but you have already improved enough to be considered for the team. I feel you will likely be even better as the season goes on. I do not suggest at all you would play much if any. Nor am I doing it to be nice. I’d like to talk to you about it when we pick up the children after practice tomorrow.” The workouts go well as I play some as a guard and forward.

It has been seven years since I saw myself as a player and then only in inter-mural leagues. The coaches get on me for always passing the ball and not taking open shots. I remember missed shots more than those I make, they kind of haunt me. I do realize I have improved as a shooter. I actually shoot better with pressure on me shooting which Coach O’Mara seems to like.

When I stop over at Coach O’Mara’s to pick up Kayla, I sit down and Coach gives me a talking. “Jenny, I want you to accept a place on the team if it’s offered, but you need to realize it would come with a cost. The NCAA will likely challenge you're being a woman? Things would become public and the final agreement with them would likely have stipulations that we would need to live with.”

She states, “Amber University and I will likely enforce even a stricter set of criteria for you. Even if sickness and injuries would take a toll on the team, you would have very limited playing time. You might start on the practice squad or be moved to there. Most likely you will see little to no playing time this year. But we will ask as much of you like any other player. Your value if you become part of the team this year, would be in practice and helping in any way that would be asked of you.”

She states, “If players are uncomfortable with you in the locker room or showers, you’ll be the one separated out. You will need to have surgery to appear as female before our official practices begin October 15.”

I ask, “Why would you even consider choosing me?”

She shares, “You’d likely to be named as the 15th player. I expect you will be even a better player by the beginning of the season and more so as the season goes along. If you develop like I hope you can eventually be worthy of playing on the second team, but not this year. I will demand you act like a lady on the court. I don’t want to see a macho ego appear if you develop as a player. You have good basketball instincts. If and when your instincts come in line with the women’s basketball game that will be when we see real improvement.”

After the talk, I take Kayla and we go shopping. I bought her a new outfit and myself a denim skirt. We also get a movie we’ll watch together. Friday, she comes to practice with me. She does a good job of retrieving basketballs and enjoys being there. I reward her with an ice cream cone on the way back to her home.

Barb has taken off work in the afternoon so she’s home when we arrive. We three go to the Towne Shoppe and visit with Carol and window-shop. But I’m there too long and get a start on my fall wardrobe. Barb enjoys making me model my selections. I’ve become a good shopper and know Carol is offering good quality at a better price than most other places. What would have cost over two hundred and twenty-five dollars in Philadelphia or two hundred and fifty dollars in NYC are marked here at one hundred and seventy-five dollars here, and with my discount, it costs me even thirty-five dollars less..

I am able to get one outfit for Barb with my discount. Barb had called my mom when I got into town and Mom visits with us at Carol’s. Barb introduces me to others as Jenny Connors a friend of the family.

Come late August, I have been putting off having my surgery done, but that made me even more anxious about someone learning about me by accident. Just before Labor Day, I stop to speak to Dr. Heath and give the okay to schedule my surgery to lose my male pieces. Surgery will be Thursday, September 14. I am to miss at least two days of classes. I am to go to Dr. Heath’s clinic and be taken from there to the hospital so it appears as emergency surgery.

The basketball team usually has a pick-up basketball game on Saturdays before cross-country or soccer events. The first string plays against the third string, a second team against the practice squad. Anne as co-captain is unofficially in charge. Like Coach shared I’m improving with experience.

My classes and studies are going well and I’m really pleased. Like other students, I arrange to be in study teams for three of my classes. Often it is a group of 3-4 students for the different classes I take. I have to work extra hard in keeping my grades up for the two hardest classes.

I had gotten one “A” and two “Bs” in my summer classes. While I thought that was really good, Anne shares I should have worked hard enough for at least two “A’s”.

I keep in touch with my Mom through phone calls. I share with her and Barb how my body is changing. My hips are developing as my waist is actually growing smaller. My legs and arms grow trimmer. I’m usually wearing a B cup bra: I'm quite proud how feminine I am looking. My nipples are actually responding to touch and becoming aroused if brushed against in crowds.

I do not know until the morning of my surgery that my Mom was invited to be there for me, and she is. As planned, I go into the clinic complaining about abdominal pain; which is kinda true, since I had to take medicine to clean out my system. I have not eaten since before cleaning out my system early last night.

I am quite emotional, weeping about even small things. I’m scared and excited about having surgery. I made the mistake of using mascara in the morning. Mom asks for time alone; during which she shares how proud of me she is and how she likes getting the daughter she had long wanted.

Pastor Ramona says a prayer before I go to surgery. It is emotional in going to surgery. I am as ready as I’m going to be. I’m glad they had given me a sedative. The surgery takes four hours, but that’s partly because things are different from what they expected. Dr. Heath greets me in the recovery room, I’m not sure of what to make with the statement that “You're indeed a real girl.”

Once back in my hospital room everyone has more information than I do. It seemingly is good news. “Your Mother shares that your name would have been Grace or Ellen if she had known,” Dr. Heath says.

I choose for now to stay with Jessica Elizabeth Connors. The last name because my father is not accepting of me and It's Mom's maiden name.

Dr. Heath goes on to explain, “Your testicles were poorly developed and taking hormone blocker had actually started the development of your body like it should have done eight years ago. You already had been Jenny in some respects. Then with the female hormones that you’ve been taking, your system activated itself. What we need now is to get the records to reflect that.”

We would find out that the NCAA resisted accepting that status since we had already applied saying I was switching genders. They did pass that I could officially play some six months from the time I began therapy and two months from the time of surgery. “So that would be December 5?” No, the NCAA slated it to be the twelfth. The date of the first round of shots was recorded. If I could practice with the team the date didn’t really matter much.

I’m told that my application for the acceptance of the gender change would be released Monday. Feeling as I did that is not wanted news. The discomfort is more than I expected, though the news of being Jenny is welcomed. I did ask Dr. Heath what the news meant in practical terms of my being a woman.

She says, “Like the average woman, you can sometimes expect the dreaded monthly visitor. While it is unlikely that you will be able to bear children. You should be safe with any sexual activity just in case and because you can still get sick from sexual contact. When you are fully healed from the surgery; the indications of surgery should become minimal. Meaning if you’re talked into bikini other will see a normal young woman.” She suggests You could be doing light training in ten days and ready for practice come October 15. You will be discharged from the hospital on Saturday or Sunday.

When Dr. Heath first changes my bandage and checks the surgery area, I get to see the new me. I’m not looking very feminine nor nice as the surgery is quite visible, along with a catheter tube. I hadn't realized how different it would appear without a penis. Between my legs felt very different and for a while, I just sensed that something was different. My breasts changing adds to the difference. The improvement is gradual, day to day.

Thankfully, I no longer need to tuck or fix myself hiding my male parts. Panties and clothing in general feel and look different. When taking a shower or in bed, I’m a young girl wanting to explore her new body. Luckily Anne talks to me, less it is a distraction when we’re in public. She’s like a big sister; sitting me down and talking about my changing body and life in general. We go home to her place for a weekend and Mrs. Greene sits down and talks with me as a mother.

It is fortunate to have my studies demanding my attention. Feminine studies, which is easier for the average female student, proves to be very helpful as well as challenging for me. I have trouble accepting how ignorant I’ve been in this area.

It feels uncomfortable or hurts at first to stretch, run and jump, or to change direction or bend. I have to warm up and stretch before doing simple things. Using a dildo to stretch inside of me is not pleasant either. Mrs. Greene and Anne insist at the time it will be important and that I’ll be thankful. I’m presently ready to swear to celibacy.

Luckily the news of my gender change is tempered with the update that I am in fact becoming a woman kind of naturally. However, it’s the actions of the NCAA that make the news in most of the media. I get many communications where I’m being called perverse, sick or a freak and some get a lot worse. Friends, my counselor, and Amber help me focus on many positive and supportive communications. While my grades take a dip for three weeks they were back up to “As and Bs” by early November.

My dad is still not taking any news about me well and insists I owe an apology for previous actions. Come to the end of October, I am officially named as one of the fifteen women to make the roster. We have an exhibition game on Nov. 12. And we’re invited to the Liberty Bell Tip-off Tournament in Philadelphia. The exhibition game gives us a game experience to see where we need the most improvement. I’m able to play a few minutes in this game since it is unofficial.

Villanova has requested to play us in the first round of Liberty Bell Tip-Off. They think it will be an easy win. We have a 38-35 lead at half time which is a big shock to them. I have noticed a weakness against their centers and forwards. And it is not until the second half that Coach mixes our styles of play. We win the game 74-57. We beat a surprisingly good University of Penn team 68-63.

The championship game against Temple is difficult from the outset. Cassie gets in early foul trouble while Dominique and Stacy are held in check most of the game. The stronger performances come from Anne, Kendra, and Marcy that kept us in the game. It is a good reality check for our team, especially the younger players especially. It ends as a 58-67 loss to the Temple Owls.

Since I can’t play until mid-December, Coach presses for me to go home for Thanksgiving. I’m sure it’s at mom’s request. Coach asks me to try and make things better with family members. I am now introduced to others as a cousin. There already is tension when I get home. It is Kayla’s interest in Aunt Jenny and putting one of her mother’s earrings on me which leads to some poor words being exchanged by Dad and me.

I decide to stay at the hotel up on the highway next to one of our family’s favorite diners. It has snowed a little Wednesday and an early snowstorm is forecasted for New York City beginning early Friday morning and back into New Jersey. There are several families at the hotel planning to go shopping and spending a long weekend in New York City.

After I check into my room, I go down to a lounge for a glass of wine. It is one of the first times I can drink legally. My eyes catch on a little girl just over a year old. The family members are visiting over appetizers while watching the weather. Once on the floor, she gets away from her parents and I retrieve her and take her back to parents.

I’m invited to sit with them. They ask if I know an answer and women are happy when I do. They ask about shopping places in the area as they’re set on shopping in New York City but are not sure about their ability to travel safely come Black Friday. It’s mostly the women who are going to shop and purchase gifts for one another. Seemingly they had shopped earlier for others. With that information, I ask if they’re open to good quality but not on Fifth Avenue in NYC nor their prices.

We’ll wait and be up early on Friday morning to be at Carol’s by 7:00 a.m. We take two of their vans and have twelve women not counting me. Their faces go somber we drive up to the store situated in a small town. It looks like a postcard of a small quaint town. Carol has expanded to include another store-front. She’s carrying more merchandise but outside it still does not compare to Fifth Avenue. We let them out in front of the store and park behind the store. They are courteous as they go in but I know they are disappointed. Once inside that changes, they are quickly impressed by the fashions and the prices. They were buying up items big time. Carol extended an extra discount if they will share their experience.

One shopper notices a poster of Cassie and asks Carol if she could have it. They were from a community north of Philadelphia and close to Amber. I call Cassie asking her if she has any extra poster I can pick-up at her home to bring to the store. She has some high school posters and a few more of the college posters. We give 7 signed posters with orders over $200 as well as to the woman who first asked.

I am impressed because Carol now has open half of the second floor with an expanded selection, including more for younger women. Carol tells me she is picking up customers bypassing the expense of shopping in New York. She is not the only store to try that, but she’s having more success than most.

When we get back to the hotel, I take a flyer for Carol’s shop. The store and hotel have become a promotional team. Both have increased in business over the holidays from the previous year. Too bad I’m in training as I could be receiving a number of free drinks.

The people I went with to the store become good friends. Making friends has become easier for me as Jenny. I have an easier time getting into conversations and women talk is becoming natural. Brian’s familiarity with football doesn’t hurt either. My costs at the hotel were minimal as the hotel people have taken a liking to me and discounted my bill.

I did go home for Thanksgiving Dinner and while I’m there things began warmly but there was a tension. I decided that I would go back to the hotel early before the inevitable strain that is coming. I do keep up my communication with Mom. While she’s sympathetic, she makes it known to me, “You added to the stress of things by being stubborn and not placating your father.”

I’m invited back for Christmas but I’ll stay at the college as we’re invited as a fill-in team to the Big Apple Holiday Basketball Tournament. Connecticut, a season favorite to be in the final four, has drawn us for their first-round opponent. It was being seen as an easy victory for them.

To be continued…

Now in early December, our latest game is a tough fought 74-70 victory and our next opponent is expected to be a bit tougher. Some of our players were down with the flu days before this game. I am getting more and more comfortable as Jenny but now I’m worried I will come down with the flu next.

My development has been nothing extraordinary for a regular woman, but I’m enjoying my maturing body as well as learning about living as new me. I often lay asleep at night thinking about how things have changed or exploring. Cassie once interrupted me, knocking on the door and saying, “You’re talking in your sleep.” She is amused but somehow understands my dialogue between Brian and Jenny. She says, “Anne is one of the few who understands when I say that Jenny’s been around longer than most people realize.” But we both know I didn’t know or understand that for a long time.

Sometimes things get frustrating, I get caught between other women wanting to help me with makeup and fashions and other women wanting to teach me their ways. Some of the women want me to minimize my use or makeup, wearing skirts and more, while others are encouraging me to go totally natural. The latter is not happening, though I have a nice complexion so I can go without makeup when I choose.

Dr. Heath continues to encourage me not to use breast forms and take pride in being a healthy young woman. My hair has grown out enough to put it in more styles that I like, even my French braid is softer and more to my liking. Cassie and I have separate rooms in our suite but we share a bathroom. Jim and Mike Conley’s sister, Cassie is now my best friend who has a history of knowing me. We can spend hours talking about the past and present.

Cassie has fun taking old pictures of me and drawing on more hair, making up my face or using paper cut-outs of women glamorously dressed or not. It is surprising to me that Cassie is only mildly surprised that I am now a girl. She asks, “Do you remember when you’d come over and my brothers weren’t there? And eventually, you became one of my practice partners. You didn’t mind their little sister getting you to play basketball. When you were a senior in high school. I even wanted to date you. I could already beat you in basketball sometimes. I think we helped each other become better players. Your hands are smaller than most guys and you do better with the women’s regulation basketball.”

Cassie brushes my hair aside with her hands, “Even then when your hair was long I thought your eyes were beautiful. You said you were uncomfortable when people said that. I thought that was silly but Jimmy said you were teased about that before I knew you.”

I become uncomfortable again, she asks, “Can you tell me about it?” She brushes my hair aside as she waits to see if, I’ll talk. We go out to the common room in our suite and talk in a more casual setting. We both have a bottle of vita water. My feet are curled under be sitting next to her on a sofa.

She takes a hand as I begin to talk. I go back in my mind thinking of a time one of my mom’s friends were over and mention my eyes with my beautiful long eyelashes, “They should be on a girl.” It had been mentioned before but that time I ask, “Why can’t they be on my eyes?”

Evelyn hugged me, “They can but they are beautiful. Girls would love to have beautiful eyes like that.” I turned to my mother and seriously asked, “Can I be a girl? I already have three brothers.” Evelyn and my Mom both hugged me and I was smothered in what they called their bosoms.

Cassie is listening, I know she’s interested. I feel kind of silly but push that thought aside. When my Mom said that was impossible. She was nice and said, “I love you as you are.” Mom had tears in her eyes, “There aren’t going to be any girls in the family.”

The conversation went on for over an hour. Cassie finally said as we were ending our conversation. “I know you’re mother loves how beautiful her daughter is. I too love her beautiful daughter.” Cassie gives me a hug and becomes passionately warm. We kiss each other on the cheek.

We both knew Anne had sometimes entered the room. She was going to leave but we said she did not have to. She is in the room but hasn’t talked.

I’m overly sensitive about how I felt about Cassie. Cassie says, “Relax Jenny, we’re both in love with you. We know you need the time and space to be you. Try and let us or any other woman just be a special friend for now.”

I say, “You both know that I think like that?” They both smile and affirm yes. We talk some more and it is a special night I will always remember.

The next day we have good basketball practice and we’re taking showers when a player screams and then laughs. “Jenny, you are bleeding!” I am initially afraid, until Heather and Anne assure me, “It’s a girl thing, relax.”

I’m quickly taken to the training room and Dr. Heath is called to confirm that I’m in fact having my first monthly visitor. Not earth shattering for most women, but it could confirm for me that I’m indeed a woman. Unfortunately, university officials need to take not only blood samples, proof it is mine as well as having an independent doctor to verify my period. The condition does help to justify a mood swing on my part and well as my gender. It is not fun wearing by a first feminine napkin. As Dr. Heath warned this one is going to be strong and messy.

I’m rooming in a three-bed suite with Anne and Cassie. While I was showering, Anne came in and shares she has something to give me. She asks if it is okay to give it to me at that point. When I say yes she steps forward and gives me a big kiss. I comment, “I thought that is not allowed since I’m a client and she officially works with those doing the research program.”

She tells me with a smile, “Since you’re officially a woman, my place in the program is now over.” Casting aside the need to worry about how we relate to one another. I pull her in and give her a big kiss. I stop as I realize it is Jenny kissing Anne, not Brian.

She shares she is not gay as I have easily noticed but I do find you hot. “It is something that has happened with me once before when I was in high school.” We finish our shower, get ready for bed and we’re back out in the living room. Cassie asks, “Are you quiet for the reason I suspect.” Anne laughs saying, “I don’t think so.” Cassie asks her about my lipstick and when Anne goes to wipe her lips and I mine, Cassie had us.

Cassie says, “I am not your judge, but I don’t like secrets, especially where it concerns one of my best friends and another sharing the suite.”

Anne says, “We’re not in a relationship but yes I gave her a big kiss.”

Cassie said, “Someday I too might dare to go outside the box. I don’t want to have to justify it, nor do I think you should. If you want to bed her a kiss won’t do.” We’re both like two deer in headlights until Anne gets up and takes me into her room. I do not expect to be in bed with her. Until she closes the door, and I ask what she’s doing?

She laughs at me asking, “Why did you come with me?” As she gives me a kiss she’s talking me out of my robe and baby doll nightie. When I take off her nightshirt, I find out she already has no panties on. I begin to kiss and caress her. She gets me on her bed and draws me up to her. She massages me with her fingers. She enjoys bringing me into an orgasm. I have experienced one before being fully a woman. She uses my body to take her into an orgasm. Come morning I wake up in her arms.

She has a separate shower from Cassie and me, and we both showered there. When we were going to eat, Cassie asks that night stay in our suite.

It was after breakfast when I called mom with the news about my period. She’s happy for me but has news of her own. Her health is acting up again and she needed to go to the hospital in NYC to get checked out. Due to her health history, even small things can be complicated. She tells me to stay in college and keep up my studies that she would inform me if needed. Between education responsibilities and not being on good terms with my dad I stay at the university.

Saturday we have a game away at Indiana State, PA. It is late in the first half when Coach taps me to go in. While I do okay in handling the ball, but she’s upset with me for not taking a shot when two were open to me. It is late in the third period and I’m again in the game. My defender sure I’m not going to take a shot, plays me loosely. I put up a three-pointer and it goes in. I have one more shot from the field and two from the foul line. I finished my first game with no misses and 8 points. What had been a close game we win 76-63. The next three games I make another 9 points, about 7 assists and I’m even credited with two rebounds. Mom sends me congratulations via email as Cassie has relayed the information.

Again my joy was my school work. The courses are not easy, but I end the semester with “3 A’s, a B+ and a B”. Dr. Campbell sends a note through my academic advisor that I’m to take a class in feminine literature the coming semester. She wants me to join the University’s Ambassador’s Club but has some requirements before that would be considered.

We were 10-2 going into the Golden Apple Holiday Tournament. A victory at the tournament is considered unlikely. We as the eighth seed have Connecticut as our opponent in the opening round. We’re given rooms for one night as everyone expects our early exit. Coach has scheduled an extra two nights at my hotel just over an hour away.

Connecticut is short one of its starters and another’s rumored to be playing with an injury. Since their players even to the fifteenth person could be starting on most other teams; it is not seen as a big help, just worth noting. When we got to the Madison Square Garden and were warming up I notice a guard not expected to be injured player only takes one shot in warming up. I share that with Coach. She quickly comes to the conclusion that she’s not going to play unless need be.

Coach gathers our team and asks and underscores, “I want all of you prepared to start fast and to keep playing our best game whether we jump out to a lead or quickly fall behind!” We do start with a 10-5 advantage and are ahead 21-14 later in the half. But we falter and are behind by a point 40-41 at the half. That is not bad. Once in the locker room at halftime, I’m taken aside by another of the coaches and told to be ready to play in the second half. They will use me to relieve Anne or at the small forward spot. They want me to jump and press as much as I can as a guard or forward. I’m to keep my hands in the face of those I guard if they get the ball and to steal the ball if possible.

It was seven minutes into the third period that I was sent in. When the guard tries shooting to take advantage of my inexperience. I’m not faked by her moves and three times when she tries to take a shot I get a piece of the ball. Twice her blocked shots lead to turnovers.

When Anne came back in and I move to guard one of their forwards. I knew I’m supposed to keep my hand in her face but I have an opportunity and knock the ball away from her. I turn the first opportunity to a steal, basket and foul. Another time I turned to a fast break with Stacy. We’re sporting a 67-61 lead as I come back out. A few minutes later I’m put back in the game. I’m being asked to feed Cassie. I have the knack of being able to feed Cassie in a way that gett her moving in a fluid motion.

Once I throw the ball to Cassie and she throws it right back. I step back and launched a 3 point shot. It not only went in but I was fouled to make it a four-point play.

My player was walking back up the court so I helped Stacy press her player and she’s able to make a steal and we pass the ball back and forth. Stacy scores a basket and a foul shot making the equivalent of a 5 point swing. Quickly Connecticut is down 82-74 with time running out. We finished with a nice 88-79 win.

Public relations for the tournament are now touting us as a Cinderella team. We did beat a good Boston College team despite not playing our ‘A’ game, 56-49. We have a day before facing Rutgers. Rutgers is also rated in the top ten of the nation, but more importantly, they’re healthy. Our mixed game causes them some problems. While we played a good game, our 67-64 loss is not quite that close as it looked.

As part of my Feminist Literature class, I read The Red Tent. I share about the book with Coach. I throw out a crazy idea of using the concept of a ‘red tent’ to bond a team of women playing together. She likes the idea, though she is not sure if much response will come from the players.

We are to be playing against Syracuse and the next night against Niagara University. Coach thinks that would be a good night to try the idea. We have two adjoining rooms fixed up and dimly lit in red. We had a pole but with no expectation of people using it. We lost a close game to Syracuse and now have our fifth loss.

Most of the gals change into very casual night clothes and we’re in the room. They think the casual time is neat. It is Anne and Stacy taking me up to the pole that gets things moving. I’m in fact having my period and Stacy is massaging my back as Anne is leading me in a meditation. She has me rub against the pole and has me move against the pole in a stimulating motion. The pole is well marked as Stacy leads me away. She led me not to sleep, but to a cozy set of blankets in a corner. Another gal is already at the pole and 5-7 are there some point during the night.

Stacy gets intimate with me and I begin to show the affection back. Cassie comes over and the two of them enjoy their way with me. I wake up wrapped legs and arms with Stacy. Cassie is with another team member. There is a consensus that there is more closeness in the red room and we should use it again. It is agreed that the room is a highly confidential setting.

The next time will be when we would be playing Virginia and Pittsburg Universities back to back. It is at Virginia and we’re expected to lose. Sally’s presence on their team is an added incentive to play well. It motivated us to win a 63-49 game. We play well at Pitt but a few errors and fouls cause us to lose a close game, 68-69. We would finish the regular season 24-6.

Our goal to begin the year was to make the Division 2 final four. We enter the playoffs like some teams a bit banged up. We do not as much depth as most teams. Someone like me playing is a testament to that. Kendra is playing injured and her sister Dominique has been bothered by a bad ankle or shin-splints most of the year. As we went to Cleveland for the second round, the style of our game and fouls we caused changed the game to our advantage. South Central was our first challenge and if successful a tougher Cleveland State was our next opponent on their own court.

Anne was flattened and injured late in the first half by contact that had me irate. Three of our players had 2-3 fouls already. I was sent in to provide a bit of relief and take some fouls if I could. I was able to get their muscle player to commit her second and third foul. I aggravated their point guard into a foul that she worked into a technical foul. I played more in the second half using up all of the minutes' that Coach would allow me. I scored 10 points, but it was the 5 rebounds, 6 assists, fouls by our opponent and forced turnovers that were what the Coach used me for. We did come back to win the game.

Cleveland State brought a strong team in all phases of their game and they knocked off AU the previous year. They were again favored to win and go to the final four. Anne was tripped up late the first half and our momentum was lost. She was back in having her ankle rewrapped. She had a shot bounce off that was going out of bounds in the corner when I made a desperate attempt to hit it back in play. While I landed in the seats I was successful in hitting it to Cassie who quickly made a basket.

I am hurt but stay in the game. On a play coming down to our end, I steal the ball away and start a fast break to Stacy and score. We’re down to the closing seconds and we’re down two points. I set up Cassie to tie the game, but she quickly sends the ball back to me. I stepped behind the three-point line and let a shot go just before the buzzer sounds. While I’m only credited with a two-point shot, I’m fouled on the play and with no time left had a chance to win it. Cleveland State took two-time outs to make me nervous. The reality is they helped me catch my breath and I’m more relaxed. I make my shot and we, not Cleveland State, are going to the final four.

The following week we’re off to the final four tournaments in St. Louis where our opponents would likely be Dallas University and Chico State. We will be going with only a contingent of ten players and two extra held in reserves.

Our big players were playing injured. Cassie confides in me that it is the most exhausting season she has ever played.

Coach Jessica has us in the Red Room and is giving us a pep talk, mingled with a bit of strategy. She’s proud of us. “If you don’t win another game as long as you leave our best game on the court I will be fine. But if you do play your best we should be playing the last minutes of the championship game with a chance to win.” Coach Jessica asks for the whole team, injured or healthy and especially the seniors year to commit to playing our best.

Though most of us have not heard about Dallas University they’re noted to be talented, strong and play a tough game. The last adjective should have been a rough game. Coach shares with me she was raising my playing time to 15 minutes each half. I am now glad Anne had run me so hard the past summer. She and I are in as good of shape as any two players taking the court.

Cassie visits with me about how she wants me to feed her and to also look for Marcy across the court. Dallas is an outright physical team and few fouls are being called. While I’m not terribly big I can play a tough game. During the first half, I only score two baskets but acquire 8 assists. We hold a two-point advantage but are effectively down to seven players. We are well into the third period when I am back in the game. A shot by Marcy and a missed rebound by Cassie is going out of bounds. Their player sought to block our reaching it, but I’m able to get around her and hit it off her foot. We kept possession and soon make another basket.

It is so stimulating to me how intense women can play basketball.

Moments later Cassie blocks a pass, and it too is going out of bounds. This time I’m able to throw it back near our basket and Cassie puts it in. I’m still on my back lying in the end bleachers, banged up. Luckily there is an official time out called.

But in the middle to the thousands of fans, I hear a familiar voice encourage me “Come on Jessie, Brian couldn’t have done that.” It was an uncle’s voice but I had not known of any family coming to the game.

Coach wants to bring me out but I am too wired to sit down. She just warns me if she takes me out it’s her decision and I’ll need to live with it. I agree, “You are our Coach!” I am hobbled a little but run and keep up. I can press or do as needed. It is on a fast break by Dallas when I again rise to the occasion. One of their big players is taking up a shot, but I block it on her way up. We both hit the floor as the ball hit us, but she is now out of bounds. With a minute left and us holding a 3 point lead; Coach brings me out of the game. Cassie, Marcy, and Kendra rule the inside and Stacy and Anne cover the guards as we win, 83-78.

It is at the end of that game, I first sit down on the court and take it in. Being in a big-time game, hearing the crowd and knowing we played well. I never thought growing up I’d actually be in such a game. I find as Jenny, I am more in tune with my feelings and stopping to enjoy such at the time.

=^..^=

I search the stands as two different cousins catch my attention. The three of us came together. Ruthie Kerr and Barb the daughter of the uncle I heard. We agree about a place to meet after I’m showered and out of the locker room.

Coach wants me to help scout Chico State, but I’m given leave when I ask to first meet my cousins. I want to help scout, but family is as rare as an endangered species for me. I am sure the coach feels it is important for me.

There are my uncle and cousin from Jersey and five cousins from Iowa. We go to dinner and I try to get my own tab for the meal, but it is not to be. I had to ask Uncle Tom not to squeeze my hand holding my meal check. “Uncle Tom, I already let go of the check. I need that hand to play basketball." He was still treating me like a nephew. I have not seen the Jersey relatives in a year and a half. Ruthie and the Kerr family I have not seen in a decade. I’m not sure why I recognized Ruthie. We finally agree she looks a lot like her older sister, which I remembered better. We have an enjoyable time and I am finally able to show off some of my family to my teammates.

Uncle Tom says that Jenny not only has Brian’s spirit, but she has talent and instinct all her own. Barb follows Ruth and me to the restroom. I simply say, “Yes, I'm all girl.” Barb burst into laughter. I invite her up to my room for a close-up and personal look, if she wants. We exchange phone numbers so we can go shopping sometime the next day. We’re back to the arena to catch the last of Chico State’s impressive win. Luckily we’ll pick back up two of our players and be at 12 players strong.

Come the next day AU is becoming known as good ambassadors of the game. We’re courteous in public and take extra time in meeting younger girls and their families. Being sociable, we’re also good at getting some guys interested in watching us play. I get to eat breakfast with my family early. I have practice with the team and an early afternoon shopping with four of us, Cassie, Marcy, Anne and me.

I did get a half hour alone with my uncle over a cup of coffee. He has me talk with my grandmother on the phone which is a special treat. I am tickled that Nana accepts me where I am. She’s tickled that we’re talking again.

The other side of the family joins Marcy, Anne and I going to church. I also go to Mass Saturday night with Cassie and her mother.

We were in the final four and now in the championship game. Anne is playing the best basketball of her career and Cassie is playing more like a senior than a freshman. Cassie has brought her medical studies with her. We leave the Red Room so I can help her stay up and in her studies.

Some California TV stations are carrying the game because of Chico and Philadelphia and more are carrying the game because of us. So the championship game is on some prime stations in several big media areas. We’re given less of a chance to win than Dallas, but even the announcers state that Chico State should not count us out. Our mixed style holds them in check to a 24-24 draw so far. Then they’re seeking to extend their lead at 38-34 when Kendra left her position and intercepts a pass. She makes a long throw to Stacy put us within two at 38-36. We take a 43-42 advantage into halftime.

Most basketball teams at this level, have a player in numerous close games and many other important games that they go to. This is all new to me as a player. Nor am I use to the emotional rollercoaster of being a girl.

Anne is held on a play early in the second half. And in her frustration of no foul being called, collides with the player. It is seen as an intentional foul and Anne is put out of the game. Maria our other senior guard is put into the game. She’s fast enough to stay up with their guards and handles the ball well. But she’s neither much of a shooting threat nor strong in this game on defense.

Cassie plays all but a minute of the second half. Kendra, Stacy, and Marcy each play over 30 minutes of the game. I’m shuffled in at guard and forward. Once Anne is out, Stacy has to play the rest of the game and I’m playing more. We’re down 72-75 with 2.30 on the clock. They have the ball but as I knock it away, I trip and cannot cover my steal attempt. They shoot a long three-pointer to take a six-point lead. We’re able to exchange baskets plus one and we’re back to within two points with the ball and six seconds. Stacy’s shot went off the basket rim and Kendra could not control the rebound. Time’s up and we lose a heartbreaker.

I go up to Stacy lift her and swing her around. When she asks what I’m doing, I simply state, “We played our best and I am leaving this one on the court. We need to get ourselves back here next March.” I sit down on the court and she joins me on the court floor. A few Chico State players tried to chase us off the court, but our teammates come to sit at our side. We’re respectful of Chico State, but we didn’t like their attitude or style of play.

I openly stated we would beat them in another year. Marsha Miller a reporter from Philadelphia is covering our game and she asks about my comment. She’s asking, “Are you not being a poor loser and disrespectful of Chico State.

I state, “That is not my intention and I know they have players as good as ours returning, but I feel we play better as a team. They’re a team of very good players but I don’t see them playing as a team.” Luckily that statement does not get much press outside of Philadelphia area.

Coach asks me later not to comment so much. I ask, “Do you disagree with my assessment?”

She answers with a question, “You have adjusted fairly well this year in becoming you. Do you think what you know about all about being Jenny as you might?” The air goes out of me, but then Coach O’Malley says, “I like how you and the team would not diminish how you played and how you calmly showed.”

We get time with our families that night and the next day until we fly out just before noon. We do not expect any reception so we’re more than impressed with the hundreds that show up. The town, as well as the university community and even some supporters from Philadelphia, come to a reception held for us.

Story to be continued…

Anne and I have worked on an engineering project since January and February and receive a note to contact our instructor after the championship game. So on Tuesday we contact her and find out the following Wednesday the corporation cited in our project wants us to present our ideas. It is a big relief as the professor had threatened to grade it down, because it reaches beyond what was asked. Anne is the project leader as she’s much better versed in engineering, but she agrees as we openly say in our report: it is the corporation’s right to pick and choose from our ideas what is important and meaningful to them.

The problem is we have numerous ideas and are not sure which we need to be ready to present. So we prepare a quick overview of the full project, with sidebars to in deeper presentations on the various projects. The company is seeking a new corporate headquarter on a separate site and to expand and modernize its production facilities.

Our suggestion is to build the headquarters on their primary production-site and to rebuild one assembly line to keep things operating while modernizing other assembly lines. We even suggest securing the rail spur, giving them added access to better transportation for their plant.

Henry Ottomann, the elder member of a mostly family corporation, is retiring as a full-time overseer of the Corporation but wants to be close by. We have managed a separation and dare speak of it in our presentation.

Our proposal is to place a yacht to fit a three-floor atrium as well as a two-story freshwater river project as an ongoing exhibit 0n the fifth floor. We know both Mr. Ottoman and his sons are avid outdoorsmen and water lovers. As we present the overall project, we’re not planning to push all of them as we expect them to choose any that interest them. The general contractors and planners seek to discount one project after another. We acknowledge some of the projects will not be selected but state we are able to defend our suggestions. It ends up with the Ottomanns asking the contractors and architect to incorporate most of our ideas.

Unfortunately for them, we have given the Ottomanns a presentation sheet with cost estimates. Alone with the Ottomans, including Naomi and Ruth, we suggest the best they would probably be able to do is to keep their contracts 33-50% over our estimates, but it is better than their contractor estimates. We do cite sources for some of the equipment and supplies needed in the project. That alone would end up saving the corporation over ¾ million dollars.

They plan to buy out another company who has a good product but does not have their diversity, stability or distribution capabilities. They could get the company at 60% of its financial value and 35% of its present commercial value. Ottomanns’ could possibly place one of their production lines in the other company’s plant during their building and remodeling of the present location.

The rail spur is there but in poor condition. Ottomanns Industries could receive 75% funding from state, local and federal funding. The Ottomanns are more than fair and give the University a $100,000 gift. They estimate between savings and investments they would improve their net worth by $3,000,000 dollars. They already believe their improvements will secure their company for twenty-five years into the future.

Anne and I have dinner with the Ottomann family at which time they suggest Anne and I form and incorporate a partnership for the future. After dinner, we brainstormed the name of A&J Engineering Ideas Inc. Henry promises us 100 engineer hours from their company to secure the engineering expertise to sign off on projects.

We don’t believe we will be getting any business for years but it allows us to receive $20,000 project money for each of us.

It is Thursday of the following week and Naomi invites us to stay the night so that we could visit the bank and sign the papers the following day. I quickly say yes, but Anne has a conflict yet that evening. I cite a need to go back to get some night clothes and fresh clothes for tomorrow. But Naomi and her daughter Ruth insist that they can accommodate me. Though Ruth no longer lives there she is planning to stay the night and still has a fair wardrobe of clothes there. She shares it has been a while since she has had a gentile friend stay over with her. It is then I realize they’re Jewish.

It is 10 in the evening when Naomi asks Ruth if she would show me where I’m staying and help me, however, is needed. Ruth Tells me it is her mother’s custom to pray with her daughter and Ruth’s guests as well as to give them a goodnight kiss before Naomi would go to bed. I joked about wishing to have one. Ruth pulls me to go with her and we get ready for bed. She shows me the big guest room I will be staying in as well as her own bedroom. She suggests when I stay there in the future I should use her room. We do fit into each other’s clothes. I have gone down another size since I began playing basketball.

The long nightgown she gives me is quite exquisite, and the robe is comfortable as it is beautiful. Her Mom is more than gracious and gives me a goodnight kiss along with her daughter. She blesses her daughter with a prayer. So when she comes over to me, I close my eyes and fold my hands in prayer. Naomi says a beautiful prayer over me. She is now Mother Ottoman and I’m her second daughter. Ruth visits with me after her folks have gone to bed.

She tells me that night, “My desire is to be part of the family business. The next morning I suggest Ruth have oversight of the waterway project as well as public visits, including those of the production plant. It could solve another potential problem. The brothers were already arguing over who is to pick up the responsibility for those and a couple of other programs.

We had missed spring break while in tournament play. I did get home for a two-day visit, but even part of that is work or school related.

Dad technically accepts I’m now a girl, but our relationship is still cold. I do apologize, but that only lends credence that I have been wrong. Something ventured but seemingly nothing gained.

AJEI, A&J Engineering Ideas Inc., is now in place. When the semester ends I have a presentation to do for Naomi Ottomann for two women’s groups on ‘Women’s philanthropy in their own name’. The first is to a Philadelphia Women’s Society. The concern is many women usually received praise and notice in their link to their husband or father. I suggest they have a portion of the family wealth for their own use and for philanthropic work. Most of the women have directly support, help to raise a fair share of the family wealth. While it is understood and usually supported that the man has the right to decide much of its use independently; the same does not hold true for women.

One result is good intentions often go unexpressed by others. Poor judgment on the man’s part is accepted while a woman is often criticized. I urge for discussions to take place at non-anxious times; decisions and agreements to be written down and separate accounts and programs are established as often as possible. During this program, there is much discussion, the sharing of ideas and information, but there is little movement.

The gathering of the Jewish Women’s Society has a warmer reception. The desire to act as well as discuss and the plan appears to be there for some. One woman asks about giving to my former college which has Jewish origins and many present-day connections. My question to her is if she wants to give in support of the College’s overall program, brick and mortar projects or in support of its emerging women’s programs. When she shared all I suggested while that’s possible, but in reality, it might end up being dividing of a significant gift to become nice contributions. She asks me, “Do you consider that $2 million could be divided and yet be significant.” I eat humble pie and we agree to talk about the possibilities.

Others want to give to AU or another program in the Philadelphia area. Though I had not intended any decisions to be made that day. They have gifts of $150,000, $300,000 and $2.5-4 million in gifts. Mrs. Stein, who wants to give her gift to UVC is planning to give a gift with intentions expressed, but without a commitment by the College. She is surprised because she had been asked to give her gift free from attachments. The college had asked her to allow them to use the gift freely as they deemed prudent.

The College wants an extension of its science building to be funded. In truth 75% of its $2.5 million had already been secured, she would be acknowledged as a contributor, but the building would be named in relation to another gift.

Once she had that information she proposed a new computer and business management building on the drawing board for 7 years and a college Ambassadors’ Club fund for its growing women’s enrollment.

I had informally talked to Dr. Clark and two Trustees so we know of the need and the basic costs. One trustee who is condescending to women shares that Mrs. Stein did not grasp real needs or costs. She should send her husband to handle such matters. Mrs. Stein offers $2.5 million for the Gloria Stein Business and Computer Hall and another $1.5 million for the UVC Women Ambassadors Fund.

While her critic suggests they will entertain the suggestion; she states they should decide before the close of their meeting today day. She mentions, as she motions her leaving, one or both of the offers could be lifted after her evening dinner.

The Board Chairman rises and asks if she could be excused for a few moments for them to make their decision. We’re invited back in by 11:30, or I should say she is. She insists that I’m essential to the equation and that they’re owing to my input that the gift is this generous. It is raised that the current estimate on the building is $1.5 million at tops. She says, “My intent of the gift is also to equip it presently and have funding for future updating.”

Question is raised to the capability of tracking such costs and expenses. She replies, “If a college cannot do so, they should drop their business and computer offerings.” That Trustee walked out in frustration. But their Board moves ahead without him and approves the reception of the gift as stipulated.

Luckily AU is easier to work with, in an addition to one of its engineering buildings.

The women’s basketball team, after graduation, has a three-week swing through Florida to emphasize the partnership of education, academics for women and athletics. Included in the stops are visits with six women who have indicated an interest in AU but are as yet undecided. While we have three very good recruits committed for the coming year we have three more scholarships that are open.

We start on the west coast of Florida working our way down to Naples, without any response of possible students. But at Naples, we were met by three women who wanted to attend for our academic offerings and we land a star forward as well. With Kendra graduating and Dominique having just one more year left, she sees the opportunity to play and likes her career possibilities. There is another student north of Miami who is strongly interested and likes our style of play. We’re up to 20 students taking interest in the University and 12 of them will end up agreeing to come.

We have two more students in the northeast section of Florida who has voiced an interest in playing basketball. There we were housed in homes to acquaint parents as well as students with our school informally. I’m matched with Jasmine. She was a very good talent but raw her basketball talents. It is not long that I discover she’s a lesbian, as she comes onto me.

Coach has been contacted about a student on the west coast, Olivia is said to be a great talent, but has not been recruited because of her Islamic background. Coach has Anne and myself go with her on a quick flight to meet, assess Olivia’s talent and her interest in Amber University. Olivia is a great 3 point shooter and capable of handling the ball as well as being very good on defense.

She has received threats from within more rigid members of the Islamic community, about a moderate Islamic woman, showing so much of herself. Her parents question our own prejudice as well as our ability to keep her safe. I speak up with Coach’s permission and share while I’m a Christian, I would be happy to be a friend to Olivia and give her support in living out her Islamic faith. I state I would stand between her and anyone who threatens her. I suggest she could share a suite with us. Olivia says she is interested in our professional diplomat and government program as well as the College of Textiles and Fashion.

Coach shares that she has the possibility of two scholarship worthy players, but one remaining scholarship. I offer up the scholarship that has been extended to me hoping I can presently stay as a Presidential Scholar.

Olivia’s parents ask Jessica, “How well do you feel your team will be in the coming year?”

Coach Jessica responds, “If they come together as a team like this year, they should be even better than the present team.”

Anne jokes if that is because she’s being replaced. Coach shares she has requested and hopes that Anne will be given another year of eligibility. Anne was unable to play in her sophomore year due to an injury in the third game. She had been red-shirted her freshman year. Anne is caught by surprise. Olivia applies and commits herself to come to AU.

AU has received and accepted by now over twenty students for the coming year from Florida during our time in the state. Six are male students which are deemed an unexpected bonus.

During our Southern trek, I search the web for engineering news and see a college library with a noted engineering library being sold. When I communicate this to our College of Engineering, I’m encouraged to dig further and to find special notes of interest. The search uncovers that the library has a good number of first edition books and even more manuscripts dating around American Revolution times. Their library’s section of engineering holds ½ the patent rights to a particular school and type of engineering. It annually brought the college $150,000-300,000 in royalties. But for reasons unknown had only received $70,000 in each of the last 7 years.

Alfred College had closed in May and the land and the holdings of the college are to be sold on July 18. The library of engineering had been kept current and is deemed by our faculty to hold pieces that our library is lacking including state of the art research and document preservation equipment. While the library overall is valued at over $3 million dollars; it is in danger of being sold for under $500,000 if sold as a unit. A check with the AU administration finds them interested but not in a position to act.

I ask if I could seek out possibilities for funding. I’m given permission, with the stipulation I cannot go to those currently involved in giving to the university. I approach the professors interested in obtaining the library as well as friends of our library who might be interested in securing items for our library’s special collections. We have a shaky $350,000 at best.

I contact Mrs. Stein to see if she knows of friends who might be interested in being a benefactor to such a cause. She shares she is sure not sure if she did but would want a commitment from the board up front. The Board’s meeting June 29 which would be cutting things close as well as pressing the board which is something it is rarely open to. Anne, our professors and I put in long hours to assess and develop possibilities. I also in contact with Mrs. Viola Barrett the widow of the esteemed engineering professor of Alfred College. She’s bitter both about the closing of the college and the lack of respect given to her husband. Anne and I, make a weekend trip up to meet Mrs. Barrett as well as to check the library and its holdings, and to assess how to proceed.

Mrs. Stein notifies us a gift of $1.5 million is secured and another half million can be if needed.

Supporters through the library and the professors now can secure $750,000. Our proposal is to buy the library in parts if able or as the whole spending between $500,000 to $1 million to secure the desired contents and another $1.6 million to build the Barrett/Stein Library wing. The Board is reluctant but willing to hear our proposal.

Dr. Jane Campbell stresses that it is in the interest of the university and the project that confidentiality be maintained for a period of three weeks if the request is granted. Among other things, her request stirs the interest and attention of each board member. We share our proposal and its secured funding. Questions are asked about this project's impact on other projects, they were fearing it would siphon off needed funding elsewhere.

Gloria Stein rose and assures the members, “Not only will it take care of itself; it might create added interest of those not presently giving to AU. While they want to meet in a closed session and given a night to consider the project, their interest is deemed very genuine. Mrs. Stein, the library staff, professors and we are invited back to an evening dinner meeting. It is now 4 p.m. and the meeting is being pushed up to 6:00 p.m. I contact the Board and stated that the Jewish Sabbath would begin at that time. They ask we come as soon as possible.

They apologize to Mrs. Stein for her inconvenience and their pressing upon the time of her Sabbath. We’re there at 4:45 and the project and agreements are reached by 5:30 p.m. Anne, I and the Treasurer of the Board are empowered to act on behalf of the Board and the University. While the President of the Board and the President of the University are to be present at the sale. They desire to be present only to confirm the intentions of the University.

Anne and I arrive at the college town again on July 15 and seek to check into a hotel for lodging. We’re asked if we’re there for the Boston construction company or its movers. We state no, but we do call back to the university to advise them of unexpected circumstances. When I check further the movers are only checked up to the day of the sale. A conversation with the movers on the sixteenth indicate, they’re quick to pick up the merchandise and deliver parts to two different locations. Many books and other items, they’re not even to worry about. What they’re after is to be packed and moved and out of the state, before sunset July 19th.

Later July 16, we are informed the library is to be sold as one unit. The realtor and auctioneers are indeed known to sell a property as such, as they deem the buildings and land as the major ticket items.

We take Mrs. Garrett and the Alfred College president to the community courthouse and they request the arrest and holding of representatives of the Boston based Engineering Corporation and their accounts for outstanding debts, owed to the College and its library. If successful in their bid, the engineering corporation from Boston, it would be possible for the college to get the funding owed to it.

If Amber Universit secures the library it would be an interesting legal decision as to where the funds went too. There is a desire by representatives and friends of the college to set up an ongoing education fund in Alfred College’s name.

Come the day of the sale, the papers are served. Fortunately or unfortunately for the construction and engineering company, they’re staying away from the phone. That is so, they would not be seen as directly responsible for the quick response and departure of its people. Unfortunately for them as well, they had placed a $600,000 cap on the acquisition of the library believing no one else will be ready to bid over $500,000. When we joined in the bid at $350,000 their representative quickly moved to their high bid of $500,000 and finally to $600,000; we raised the bid to $650,000. Those bidding for Boston bid $700,000 dipping into their own pockets but then we bid $750,000.

They ask for more time but are given only the extension of three minutes. No other bids rendered we secure the patent papers, the first editions and special collections and the engineering library and head to get out of state. We were not sure of any action the Boston Corporation would take.

We’re sure we rather it be in a Pennsylvania court. We load three semis but put five semis into motion. The truck I’m with has the special collections, first editions and patent papers in it. We separate from the other trucks and take a route down from Syracuse, between two Finger Lakes and down into Pennsylvania. We were stopped by a state patrolman 15 miles from the state line. I was given a sealed letter from a judge for such a time and were granted permission to continue. The Special Collections has Revolutionary and pre-Revolution documents. The judge has stated the contents are safer in our hands and some more likely to be returned to New York than if they are secured by Boston interests.

Mrs. Barrett has been given lifetime residence on the Ambler Campus. Her daughters were worried about the accommodations AU would give her. They’re nicely surprised when it is an eloquent house of historical significance on campus. I among others would become lasting friends of Viola’s.

Mrs. Stein is correct that the school will find new contributors. A new Gymnasium is to be built onto to the old as AU needs to accommodate the men’s sports program as well as to increase the capacity of the arena to meet the growing interest of our program moving to new levels. It is not a project Anne and I desire to do nor are we ask, though we do help in its design.

It is nice that Amber University Alumni are behind those who do get the contract. We do suggest another change so it could accommodate future expansion.

We are the ones who design the expanded library and the addition to the College of Engineering. Luckily our work on projects is co-opted into credits for independent studies.

We have a major engineering class presented by Professor Schmidt from Temple who instructs this required program despite the fact he detests women in engineering. Part of a group of five become a close-knit study team in making every effort for us to stay current and impress the Professor.

Dr. Schmidt has the notion that Anne and I as athletes cannot be doing our own work. He often tailors our assignments to require differing results and information from others. Since Anne had studied engineering two years longer than me she is ready for the challenge. It is a baptism by fire for me. Learning to figure stress levels of projects and the strength of various materials prove not only challenging but stimulating for me. That helps to hold my attention in hours of studying.

It also helps in solving a current problem. The atrium for the Ottomann corporate office needs to find new support for the upper floors above the atrium. I change the yacht’s mast to become a load bearing beam using a clear 9’ extension to keep the illusion of a free-standing yacht. That measure alone is ten tons closer but still shy in providing the needed strength to meet the safety and strength requirements. While technically we met the requirement with room to spare; the changes defied initial discovery. I allow Dr. Schmidt’s graduate-class at Temple to wrestle with how the requirements are met.

Though he found and verified my information his class failed to do so. Historically he has not given an A for his classes, but three of us could possibly receive an unheard of A-. Anne is now in the Master degree phase of her studies. She’s also taking her first exam for her engineer’s license.

Good for the basketball team bad for Anne as a professional engineer as she is granted her extra year of eligibility for basketball. She is not sure if she wants the extra year or to be coaching as a grad-assistant

Amber University and Chico State will be playing more division 1 schools but choosing not to become into the major NCAA tournament until the close of the coming academic year. That will bring flack for both during the year if the success of each would continue in the new season.

I am welcome at my parents’ house but stay at Ron and Barb’s home most nights. There’s July third I stay the night with my Mom. She had a setback that is not life-threatening but requires a lot of personal care. Mom has become comfortable with me to provide it.

The summer brings the difficult news that my mother’s health is again dangerously precarious with little to do but support her health where they can. A number of medical problems keep her as a poor risk for a transplant. Dad, family and I heal differences so we can give Mom all the support we can.

During late July AJEI is asked to review and submit alternatives for a contractor bidding on a project at Princeton University. It is a three-story education building placed in what we term a precarious spot. We’re able to make a very good project suggestion and tweak it to give a unique alternative. The major problem is to take water from the passing roadway and keeping it from becoming a major problem for the building in its desired location.

The company we’re working with is a large New England contractor wishing to expand into the mid-Atlantic states of New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. While this project is not a mammoth project, it would mark a good entrance into the market, if they succeed.

Anne and I are to meet with two of their chief men at the project site. We’re to join them to make a project presentation to the Princeton University Board of Trustees. They’re open to approving the project if we can help sell the added cost in tight economic times. We suggest the possibility of reducing some of the costs, controlling surface water problems and improving pedestrian traffic in that area and especially the project site.

Princeton approves the project with a modest increase in cost. But we have two weeks to firm the project with costs and finalize building blueprints. Anne and the elder Hamilton leave me to meet with the younger of their two engineers. The elder Hamilton is the brother of the president of the Hamilton Engineering and Construction Corporation. James is related but we’re not sure how. We need to merge the two plans as well as for us to list suppliers and subcontractors to keep the project within the line as we proposed.

James is set on taking me to dinner, despite my desire to get back and see someone else. James is taking me back to Philadelphia for dinner. Instead of taking me back to change he takes me to a high scale women’s store which I can’t afford. He pays for my evening dress and the accessories.

The dinner and dance to follow are outside the society I'm used too. Surprisingly, I find myself smitten by him and by the end of the night we’re lined up for another outing. We met again that weekend as well as the following weekend we make a mad trip to the Jersey shore.

James is with me when I get word my mother had a heart attack. James rushes me to their nearby hospital and even takes me when we need to go to Columbia-Presbyterian in the City.

James confides with me that he was working with a California company in March when he got a look at me playing in the basketball playoffs. He shares about the broadcasters sharing how I looked like one of the girls, when another announcer shared but who wants to date someone who passed as a guy the year before. James told the group he was with that ‘he wanted to take her out.’

I ask, “Why would you want to meet and take me out?”

He says, “I’m not fully sure but I find myself attracted to you as a woman and your many facets like being strong, attractive, having substance and your caring spirit. When you lifted your teammate Stacy and then sat on the court I was certain I needed to meet you.” I’m impressed by his strength yet nice touch. He seems smart and industrious, yet he’s humble and in many ways laid back while having an air of confidence.

He gained added respect when I said, ‘no further’. His hands felt good holding me, but he got his hands up off my butt when I asked. I could tell he’s a good basketball player when he played a game to be with me. When I comment about him being in very good shape he indicates it is part of him being a Marine. He has been active in sports through college and the Marines.

Truthfully the idea of him being a Marine kind of turns me off. He is not a typical Marine but is proud that he is. I’m taken back about dating a Marine, but he’s attractive enough that I continue to see him. It is at the beach before I would give him more than one kiss. I like my arms around the shoulders of a 6’3” guy.

He too is an engineer and doesn’t mind helping me with my studies. When I ask about his place in the Hamilton family business; he asks me not to worry about how he’s related. Paul is his uncle is all he admits too. He’s younger than the Hamilton sons I know of, but how he fits in and why he and Paul are together I didn’t know.

Story to be continued…

We need to change suites to accommodate Olivia coming to AU and sharing a suite with us this year. I didn’t think it would be such an ordeal to move my stuff, but then I was not much of a coed when I last moved. I have more clothes and shoes, jewelry, makeup, and accessories. Nor were skin and hair care, and feminine hygiene products a big part not part of my previous move. Anne and Olivia will have individual rooms and share a bathroom and Cassie and I will do the same in our part of the suite.

Anne and I have rented a small apartment to be home base for our AJEI business. It sometimes acts as a getaway place as well. With our landing the Princeton project, and the Ottomann’s as the library and other projects, we need more space for all we're doing.

Being one of the girls has not lost its special appeal for me. I’m happy when Olivia tells me she knows about me and is happy to be my friend. But her parents aren't to know. It is great having such a variety of women in my life as I see how they look differently at things including fashion, makeup and hair.

James asks if Anne and I want AJEI to come under Hamilton Mid-Atlantic to meet licensing, bonding concerns. While it is a nice offer we’re not willing to go that route. Anne understands the serious nature of James’ interest more than I do. He wants to take me up to Boston, but I’m not willing to go and have his family think we are serious about each other. The projects at AU are underway and it is nice to see something I’ve helped to design take shape. The Ottomanns had broken ground for their corporate headquarters and are proceeding on updates for their production facilities. I visit with Henri, Naomi, and Ruth more than Anne.

Ruth receives me like a welcomed younger sister and an advocate for her place in the family. I share about Olivia Ghanem coming to AU. Ruth asks me to allow the relationships to take their own course for both them as well as Olivia. Olivia has decided to major in textiles and fashion and to minor in government service. She is quite ambitious like other athletes at Amber University. I’ve been used to a lot of athletes choosing easy majors and not being serious with their education.

Over Labor Day weekend the basketball team has a media gathering of its own and later a barbecue at Coach O’Mara’s. Various sports services have rated our team and its recruiting class quite high, but we’re discounted for the coming year because we have so many young players. Anne, myself, and Dominique are all rated to be too slow to be assets in Division 1. We fail to make the pre-season Women’s top 25, which is fine with Coach. But we players, think we’re being shunned and were adamant that we’ll make our presence known.

I am amused when one news reporter says the school’s nickname as Ambassadors shows our view of things is starry-eyed and not realistic. It reminded me of my own thinking when I first learned about Amber University.

Reporter Marsha Miller, a sportswriter for the Inquirer, has made us her #1 team selection to cover this coming year. She visits with Anne and Cassie asking them to make sure her selection looks good. She does take some grief from Villanova and Temple, but she has the class not to share that news with us. It will be months before she knows if she chose right. She’s at Coach’s gathering as an invited guest. There are few other media people invited.

Coach has seventeen players and is being asked if she’s redshirting a 2-3, dropping a couple or keeping a larger team. I figure myself to be on the third string hoping to work in some playing time. It is my senior year so I won’t be surprised if I am to get less and less playing time as new players mature. An assistant coach draws me aside, tells me to work harder and be ready to play from the moment when practice starts.

Anne and I are running up to 4 miles. One day a week I’m running with James. He has learned our routes and adapts them to get me to jump more as well as to change my pace. It does make the run more grueling. I am glad he’s taking such interest in me, but I expect it to stop almost any time.

This year I’m also working with the trainer in lifting weights and gaining strength. She assures me I will not be getting back my male body once again. My breasts were a small C cup during the summer and before practice goes full force.

I feel more at home in my female body, apparently, I’ve also become photogenic. Come practice and pick-up games with Anne or Marcy my hair is usually put in a French braid. Moms and coaches are comfortable using me and other players as their daughters’ role model. Many of the high school and younger girls are surprised and inquisitive as they learn about my past identity. I’m encouraged by Marsha Miller to wear my French braid for team pictures and early season games. She says it gives me an easy identifying mark for viewers to see me.

Often, it is people who do not know or like me that bring up my past. It does cause me to lose some fans or friends. But Cassie reminded me, "You never had them to lose, but I know it still hurts."

Anne and I are asked by Hamiltons to review a project they’re bidding on with Bethlehem Steel. The suggestions we make would be sweeping; the whole project would be grand in scope. If adopted it could help Bethlehem regain a place in the steel industry. U.S. steel companies have lost their place, even within the U.S. market. Our ideas could actually make Bethlehem a more “green” friendly corporation as well as breathe new life into the Bethlehem/Allentown area.

Our ideas would enhance their profitability in the future as well as lower energy costs. The Hamilton’s are received by Bethlehem Steel into the next level of interviews for contractors. Their consideration weighs partially on the feasibility of ideas they and we put forth.

The ideas included using escaping heat (steam) from the production of steel to power turbines to produce additional electricity to power the plant as well as to sell back energy to the utility company. While using the ground to cool water used in the cooling process of steel to warm a tropic exhibit on 420 acres of adjoining land in the Pocono valley.

It is our second visit in early October that draws the interest of a group of black guys. Company officials also take notice and ask if we have ideas on addressing security problems. We find one group of guys at a park. It is not hard to get them to talk to the ‘white gals’, even if things are a bit crude. They laugh at the idea of being interested in working for ‘The Company’. One, it is losing jobs and not hiring; second, they indicate they make more on the streets. One of them shows a wad of cash.

I ask how much they’d make in jail and prison, but of course, none of them intend to be there. They are upset that I would dare bring that up. Joel says, “We’re not going to be like our folks, working for the man, waiting to lose their jobs and benefits.” Well, the small talk goes on until; Anne and I suggest they’re not up to the challenge of a real job. Finally, there’s a challenge going back and forth, Anne asks about basketball and then suggest a game of three on three. They asked about calling a friend to which we agree would be okay. We ask that five of them, at least two women need to agree to work for Bethlehem Steel when new jobs opened up. They agree thinking very sure new jobs are not coming and we're not winning.

When their 6’4” friend shows up. We ask Cassie to come and play as she had ridden with us. That doesn’t intimidate them until we begin to play. We surprise them and win the first game easily, but they regroup to make the next two games good contests. We lose the third game when we make Cassie sit out as the game became very physical. Cassie was willing to play, but neither Anne nor I wanted to explain to Coach if she were to be injured.

We find that three high school graduates are not in college because of financial need despite their academic qualifications. We contact AU’s admission office and they each have appointments to apply for the second semester. We encourage Bethlehem Steel to seek out others who have the tools to be in college and put out a search to match students, colleges and finances, and facilitate they're coming together.

Our second visit helped to solidify consideration of Hamiltons’ bid for the project.

Studies this semester are going to be the toughest and most demanding yet. President Campbell sends a word of thanks for our help to other University officials. She underscores however, our present performance in the classroom is what counts. Luckily I have gotten a head start in my reading for fall classes. Though I’ve been Jessica the year before, being a woman at the beginning of this school year is most enjoyable.

I take Olivia to my hometown and Carol’s Towne Shoppe to do some fall shopping. It’s a joy to travel with Olivia, learning life from her perspective is a great education in itself. Olivia meets my mother as well. The three of us visit my grandmother as well. Nana shakes her head overseeing my change, she brings out an old picture of me in a baptism dress. She lightly laughs, “I thought then you should've been my granddaughter.” She has the same deep love for all her grandchildren, holding none as favorites but each one special.

Uncle Tom and Barb are happy to see me again. I give them a big thanks and a lot of praise for being at last year’s final four games. Their acceptance has meant much and opened doors within the family as did Kayla and Barb’s love.

James is becoming more important to me, the truth is I found myself romantically liking him from the start. James is 28 had graduated six and four years ago; he seems to enjoy being there for me. He’s all man and one night I let him take me back to his place. He isn’t sure of the heated attention I’m giving him since I’ve reiterated intercourse isn’t happening until I’m married. He assures me he doesn’t like this kind of teasing.

We’ve been there quite a while before I push him back and loosen some of his clothes. I massage him to become hard and use my lips to please him. He’s very excited, actually too excited. It takes a second time for us to truly enjoy what I’m doing to him. Mostly we enjoy just being with each other. We wait for him to be aroused once again. This time, we work to carry things longer and give him more enjoyment. I too have times of enjoying James, though I do not allow him on or in me. I stayed overnight with him for the first time.

We go out for an early breakfast and then we’re back on our own. I did miss running with Anne. She enjoys giving me a hard time and throws back any and all excuses.

Dr. Heath has a call for me to stop by; it is the anniversary of my surgery. She wants to give me a thorough check-up and document how my body has developed in the past year. I become uncomfortable during the exam. It is because of a yeast infection that she says I probably got from James’ having oral sex with me.

Dr. Heath wants to put me on birth control. I tell her, “No, I won’t be having intercourse.” She is glad to hear that but sits me down and asks how realistic that is. She prescribes a gel that can be put inside of me just in case. She does warn me however not to depend on it.

It is early October when Mrs. Stein calls me to meet with a friend. Irene is a horse lover and has been wondering where she might make a difference in a good equestrian program. We visit with President Clark at Upper Valley College the following weekend. They have a very good equestrian program but its facilities never have reflected the quality of their program. We’re able to visit with the department head and two instructors as well as a group of students. The plans they had been good, though they have been watered down to gain approval. They are now a bit too modest to be significant. Mrs. Stein is not interested in them but has a plan on a larger scale.

The investor approves some tentative plans and makes a major gift. The college is more cordial in working with this giver. Working with women of various ages and backgrounds becomes a blessing and molds my character more than most would imagine. The structure will look like a mammoth barn; built on a gentle slope that allows ground level entrances on the first and second level from two sides of the structure for each level.

Bethlehem announces the accepting of Hamilton’s bid which is good news for Hamilton’s as it is their first major contract in the mid-Atlantic states. It will help to establish the Hamilton Mid-Atlantic Corporation. But it adds work and pressure on AJEI, Anne and me. We hire two staff workers to focus mainly on the Bethlehem project. James and Paul have two engineering teams come from New England, helping to cover their work and a good portion of ours. We’ve hired a licensed engineer away from Ottomann’s for our company to meet legal and licensing requirements in house. It was with the Ottomann's blessing. The added work is still distracting enough to take a toll. Most of my grades by mid-semester are down to Bs. Cassie is now giving me massages most nights.

There is a night that I didn’t think I needed a massage when Cassie insisted I did. I change into a satin camisole, and still, have the scent of a light perfume as I receive her attention. She takes me by the hand over to her room. Between my legs is already warm and moist as we begin. Cassie’s fingers are gentle and long, and I am like butter in her hands. I didn’t think I could make love with my long-time friend after the massage. Then she pushes me from her neck to her breasts and moments later between her legs. She guides me where she wants me. When her first orgasm is beginning. I try to relax but she presses my face back down and asks me to use my tongue to excite her more. She moves into a second orgasm and deeper to a third. She pulls me up and begins to arouse herself, moving sensually against me. We both come into an orgasm and the next thing I remember is ecstasy exploding throughout my body. And then later waking up in the morning. The fortunate thing is, it is a Saturday.

I’m supposed to be at work, but Cassie had already told Anne if I did not show up, do not to come looking. Cassie and I reminisce from when we first knew each other. I was best friends with her brothers and she was their little sister. Now we’re best friends. She has the good nature of both her parents, but the height of her father that her brothers did not inherit.

She learned to play basketball because she envied her brothers. Now she’s so good her brothers envy her. She appreciated that in junior high school I would practice with her at times. I was three years ahead of her and in high school. I was still good enough to challenge her as she started to become very good. I had not stopped playing her in basketball just because she was a girl. My last year in high school she could beat me most all of the time as she was already inches taller and had some awesome moves.

I became an important friend to her but had not realized it. I saw myself as a friend because of her brothers. I did not know enough to stop and enjoy our friendship on its own merits. She reminds me of times she asked me to stay with her or to do something other than play basketball. I remember the feeling of wanting to say yes, but I usually walked away. Sometimes I would stop over to visit a brother but neither of them was there. She would invite me in to wait. In her mind, it was to be like a date. Now she tells me several times she wanted me to ask her out. She even had her mother’s approval if I did. I wish I had known. I wish I had asked when I thought of it, but neither of us wanted to hurt my friendship with her brothers.

I was also afraid to be identified with girls. I had not yet accepted who I was inside. But I often became anxious the closer I got with girls, even those I wasn’t interested in. She talked of things she liked and some things she did not. She was like the girlfriend I so wanted to be able to talk to. Back then she was super good at everything even though she didn’t like everything. That was something I had not known until now.

While Cassie does not wear a lot of make-up and jewelry she likes both very much. She has a shade of make-up and eye makeup she wants to see on me. I let her make me up as she wants. We both like the look, so I need to learn how she achieves it. I enjoy hearing about her love of medicine and the studies she is taking. She compliments me on being a great listener. We had sex but it is a deep love like a special friend and not romance.

She gets on me about having a poor image of myself. She says, she felt sad about it when I was a guy; but she’s actually a bit angry now. She had wished Brian would have accepted he was neater than he knew. She feels as Jessie, I have already accomplished so much but I am not as happy like I should be. I find myself giving hugs and saying thanks, even embarrassed by her praise.

She says my speech problems and difficulty in expressing things before made it difficult for others to see the intelligent person I was. We go and shoot some baskets at the gym and Coach comes over to visit. “Is it possible this means two close friends have become even closer together?” She thanks Cassie for bringing out my smile.

I call James and we both take Cassie out to dinner. When we get back to the room Cassie asks me, “Would you say yes if and when he proposes?”

I laugh and tell her, “While it is much too early; neither he nor any man would ever ask me.” She smirks, gives me a hug and asks “Would you like him to? I do not see a guy loving you to be surprising.”

James calls and we talk. He is now the best guy friend I have. I do have strong feelings for him, but don’t believe he has the same. Come Thanksgiving my grades are back up and my work for the Bethlehem project is ahead of schedule.

We are once again in the Liberty Bell Tip-Off. We’re now the third seed. We surprise some and knocked off a good Penn State in the opening round. We play Villanova next and once again they think too highly of themselves, which we are delighted about. There is a joy in beating someone who thinks so highly of themselves. Doing it and getting respect again in Philadelphia makes it that much sweeter, 79-63. The championship game against Temple is a good match. Even with a well-played game, we are a bit lucky to win 73-70.0

I take James home for Thanksgiving; he enjoys meeting Carol as well as my family.

Two old girlfriends showed up wanting to meet the new me, Jenny. We take a walk down the street. Tess recalls trouble I had getting aroused with her. It was upsetting to hear. Both women want to try to be girlfriends with me.

Tess even goes with me to take James to the airport so he can catch a flight to see his folks. Dad is respectful but still a bit cool. I am thankful that he did not voice some of his thoughts when James was around. Later, he wonders aloud about a guy who would date a girl like me.

I stay long enough to have a good visit with Mom. The news is not what I want to hear. Mom continues to have growing health problems. While the doctors are not suggesting things are presently life-threatening, they do not like her health becoming more complicated with each bout of illness. So I begin to call Mom 2-3 times a week. It helps me not to worry as much and to be able to focus on my studies. My visits and calls with mom give us precious times as mother and daughter.

Our team remains undefeated and I’m solidly onto the second team. I continue to move from forward to guard. Once in a while, I even go in for Marcy or Stacy. Come the game at the end of exams, Coach wants to rest Dominique so I get my first start. Seton Hall is a good team and capable of knocking us off so it is nice to have a good game. Both Cassie and I get up whenever we’re playing a Jersey team. We’re 11-0 going into a pre-holiday tournament in Philadelphia. We had opened a very large lead when Anne calls a time out, with 12 minutes to play. She calls James down onto the court and when he gets down on one knee to propose I just freeze.

I am sure he asked me to marry him, though I really can’t hear him, it takes the referee twice to get me to respond. But instead of saying yes, I tell the Ref, “I can’t give an answer and you should call a foul on us.” When she asks if that meant my answer is “No.” I say, “He should wait and ask me after the game if he wants a yes, and he better be taking me out to someplace nice to eat!” The referee smiles, laughs, and then blows her whistle and calls a technical foul on our team.

I’m crying and need to be out of the game as I run to the locker room. I almost make it in time not to wet my shorts. By the time I get to the bathroom and try to get things down and myself seated, it is too late. I’ll need to change my shorts. There are only three minutes left to play in the game when I’m back. Our Coach without hesitation puts me back into the game. We’re only ahead by five points at this points and Anne has been benched by the Coach. Neither Coach nor I am mad at Anne, though we think what she did was inappropriate. She’s my best friend, a grad-assistant for the team and she only has my interest at heart.

I’ve given Cyndi’s number to Marsha Miller’s photographer and ask for some stuff to be quickly brought to the arena. We’re able to widen our lead and get a nice win. On my way to the locker room, I blew a kiss to James hoping he’s still ready to ask me. Marsha Miller grabs me asking, “Why did you do what you did?”

I say, “I don’t do well with surprises, and a proposal is something I did not expect. I think his timing discounted women’s basketball and it was discourteous to the other team. Yes, I love James, and while I think it is a bit soon if asks I will have a good answer.”

She asks, “Does that mean a yes?”

I say, “That is for James to ask and to hear from me.” Anne starts to apologize and I give her a big hug, saying, “Thanks but the next time ‘no thanks.’ Cassie chimes, “I told them you’re not good with surprises even nice ones.” I finish my shower and have just gotten my hair dry and then my nails polished when Cyndi arrives with my evening dress and the other clothes I asked for.

Ma Ottomann comes in as others clear out. It is good to see her smiling face and receive her words of wisdom. “I see you are ready to give a loving reply. I too think it is early, but I also think he loves you and you two can make it work. I understand why he is being nice to ask you now?”

I asked her to enlighten me, but she shares, “Just know it is probably a good time.” Coach tells me my Cinderella story has until 1 a.m. but I need to wait until half-time of the next game before I can leave. I go and sit with the team in the stands. I get a razzing from my teammates for being dressed so nicely but received a lot of compliments from the fans. As the first half ends and I stand up, and James is there to greet me. Again he went to one knee and proposed as a spotlight hit us. A referee is on a microphone down on the basketball court to ask for my answer.

Marsha and her photographer are up with us. James slips a beautiful engagement ring on my left hand as I say, “I love you James, and Yes I will marry you.” James picks me up and whirls me around once, to everyone else’s pleasure. Marsha’s photographer is snapping pictures. My teammates need to see the ring before we can go. We make our way around in the arena towards the front exit.

Naomi and Henry Ottomann, President Campbell, casual friends, and unknown fans extend their greetings and well wishes. James is showing me off like I have more shine than the diamond ring. Ma Ottomann pins a flower on me as James turns all thumbs. We are to go to the Ottomann’s Country Club for our dinner…

Story to be continued…

Henry and Naomi Ottomann talked to James, “Our country club, The Penn-Pheasant Country Club, is a beautiful place for your engagement dinner. We’ll give you our membership card and a head start.”

James had already had a chauffeured limousine standing by to sweep us away. The Limousine had stood idle as James initial plans had partially blown-up in his face. Come half-time of the next basketball game things had us up and moving again as James pushes me, “Let’s get going, we’re going there late enough for dinner but we need to get there in time to order.”

James has a white limousine awaiting us and the door is opened as we approach. The chauffeur holds my door and greets me as I scoot in and then James. We have never ridden together where one or the other isn’t driving. I’m hoping James will cuddle me in his arms. James shares the name of the place and asks if the driver needs directions.

Marsha Miller has informed their society reporter about our story and where we’re going.

I’m like the new kid in the area directing chauffeur with directions that he already knows. It is fifteen minutes away but we’re there in ten. As we enter the maître de welcomes us and asks about the Ottomanns. He brings us into the dining room but doesn’t seat us as he looks around the dining room.

He then takes us over to a model of the country club. It appears to be a model that is to garner the support for an addition to this prestigious club. James and I both take more than a simple interest in their project. I ask questions of course and ask about a house that is to be moved or destroyed. When I asked if it is in good condition, it is like I asked a forbidden question that only a naive child would ask.

James asks about a table and the ordering of a meal before the kitchen starts to close. The maître de looks around, grabs some menus and escorts us to a table. As another man rises from his table, the maître de asks us to follow him and we’re now being seated upstairs through the section looked closed as well as rarely used. Table cloths, candles, and tableware are soon there with the menus and a carafe of the house wine.

James asks if we could move downstairs near the fireplace, he even offers up a nice tip. The tip is refused as we’re told with embarrassment by our host, “The Penn-Pheasant Country Club does not have open dinning tonight. You can order but you’ll need to wait until the Ottomanns are here to sit in the dining area.”

James wants either to leave or give a certain club member a piece of his mind. I insist on neither and get my way. We order only to find a few things are off the menu for the remainder of the night. The order is about in, when Henry and Naomi arrive. We’re brought back down to sit with them at a table near the fireplace. A bottle of champagne is brought over with an apology from the man who first complained about our being there. I rise and now James is the one worried about me. I walk over and invite the man over to drink a toast with us upon the announcement of our engagement. Word comes that the Philadelphia Inquirer’s society writer wants a picture and word with us if we please. I ask if we needed to go out to the lobby, but the writer is waved in to meet us.

He already knows the Ottomanns and the Wallace's and he confirms with James that he’s is one of the Hamiltons of Boston society. James shares he is indeed the youngest son of Richard and Marge Hamilton.

“Miss. Connors and you are?”

I share, “I am Jessica Connors of Amber University, an engineering student, basketball player, and an Ambassador.” He asks about wedding plans. James looks at me, and I without much hesitation share, “I’ve known only an hour and we have not yet made further plans.”

The reporter wants a picture of us, and she insists on a picture of the two of us. I ask if a picture of the six could be taken. But she again insists on the picture of the two of us. I say, “I want a picture of the six of us to be taken. You can take a picture of the two of us if you take one of the six of us and get it back to us.” The society reporter is pleased to fulfill our request if we cooperate with his.

James tells me, “One does not make requests like that.” I giggle, “She is probably amused that someone from Boston society is stooping to my level.” James jokes further.

James has the wit to have desserts brought for the Wallaces as our salads arrive. They’re pleased and impressed with our manners and warm disposition. It is a nice dinner. The Wallaces leave us with plenty of time to visit among ourselves and the Ottomanns.

On the way out we looked again at the model of the country club. I ask Henry about the eloquent house at the top of the property. Landscaping indicates an old fence has been removed and the house is now in an awkward place. Both the Maître de and Club President come over to extend greetings as well as to whisk us away. Henry asks me if I had ideas. He then tells the President if I do he should listen.

It is then the President of the Club shares there's a division of the club over the house. Some neither want the house to be moved nor women to be in their country club as members. While there are others insisting the house be moved away or demolished. The expansion is for women to be received as members. I suggest a compromise, making for three entrances. The main formal entrance for the golf-club, the dining area as well the general reception area. The present entrance would continue to be the men’s entrance and the house and adjoining structure to be for the women’s entrance and a tea and wine lounge. They like the idea but do not know how to make it work since the house is too far up the hill. Seemingly its foundation is questionable.

Henry speaks up and shares with a confident voice, “You’re talking with the people who can do it. The president calls over another man to hear what we have thought of on the matter.

I don’t know why, but I can easily tell we have a cynic in our presence. I suggest, “The reality is many want the house moved because of the foundation. The house itself appears structurally sound enough for being move onto a new foundation. If it is as beautiful inside as I imagine it might be, you could not afford such a grand area” I ask, “Does anyone have an objection to moving the house down and a little closer?” Expressions tell me no one has thought of the possibility. I suggest, “A new foundation could make for a beautiful and eloquent area and bring the main floor to be accessible with only a slight rise instead of the distraction of a common ramp. The first or second floor could give a nice view of a café/tea room with an open overflow area.”

I then catch myself and the time, saying we need to be going. The architect introduces himself and thanks me sharing, “We might now have a way to bring the country-club back together.” He compliments me on my ideas and how quickly they came together.

James would have me back to Amber quickly but I want time with him. We are finally to the university a bit before 1 a.m. His hands and kisses hold me motionless as long as he dares. I hold my arms around his neck and shoulders as I’m lifted off the ground for one more warm embrace.

I wait till 8:30 in the morning to call home and share the news of my engagement with my parents. Mom says, “We knew the news before you called. James had already asked for your dad’s approval. We never dreamt we would be asked that. We are happy for you and just surprised it came this fast. We understand his thinking and think it is sweet of him.”

Anne, Marcy, Olivia, Cassie, and others are around me while I’m still talking. They’re awestruck by the beauty of the engagement ring and want to know more information. They’re speaking that more news is to be in tomorrow’s paper. I did make the sports section today. It is the first time I am the center of attention for a girl thing. It is quite a lot of fun, though I do not know how to act. Anne encourages me to relax. She says, “You are doing quite well at being a regular girl. James has been trying to get a hold of you but is unable to get through.”

Tonight’s game against Georgetown is going to be tough. While I look forward to playing I did not expect to start. Coach wanted to see if my emotions would be a plus or a distraction, decides to place me as a starting player. I do have my best game to date: scoring 17 points and getting 11 assists. We win 74-59. It is nice to win the tournament and to have a break for the holidays.

It is two days before Christmas when we, James and I, arrive home. It is very nice to share my engagement and everyone in the family seems happy for me. There is not much to dislike about James.

Two of my brothers identify him from their work on the Princeton project. They have also been contracted to wire Hamilton’s corporate office. It is now dawning on them their sister has helped to steer James their way. Mom is both happy to congratulate us and to meet with James. He has been here once already that I know of and possibly when he asked for their blessing in marrying me.

While I’m not wearing a short mini-skirt my dress is the shortest one I have worn home. My brothers jokingly give me a little grief, but James comes to my aid citing one of my sisters-in-law had a skirt that is every bit as short, and like mine as being very tasteful. After dinner we go to the Towne Shoppe both to shop and for me to show James off. Carol is thrilled as she shows us her expanded store. The addition and part of the second floor are to be open after the turn of the year.

There is a new store, Gowns, and Formals, down the block that is selling bridal gowns, formals and evening wear. When I ask about bridal gowns Carol shares I should give Gowns and Formals a good look. She also suggests I look at a design book she has and consider getting a gown personally designed and made for me. When we share the wedding might be in NYC she says a designed gown or one purchased from the Big Apple or Philadelphia is a must.

When I ask about the ability to get a very good dressmaker she shows me a book of dress designers and some of their work. The gowns are unbelievably beautiful. “There is a relatively new designer/dressmaker,” she says, “that is extremely good and she would be very much to your liking.” James suggests a price range to Carol and asks if it is feasible.

I’m sad, despite help from James, I’m sure I cannot afford to have a wedding gown designed for me by a special dressmaker.

Carol shared with James, “In New York City your upper range would just about cover a modest gown.” She pauses, “Though the designer I would suggest for you to consider is from the city. We can probably get her and anything we would want for a New York wedding if she saw it helping her acceptance into New York society.” Seemingly Carol knows her and the woman is wanting to see me in person and for me to give her an exclusive. We see each other the day after Christmas and I am overwhelmed with her ideas and ability.

I’m now to be back just after the turn of the year to meet with her again and get measured. I feel things are moving too fast, but like any would-be bride, I can’t say no.

We go to the Christmas Eve Service and many are happy to see me, but I’m sure not all. A couple of gals who knew me before finding it very interesting to visit with the woman I am now. James stays until noon on Christmas then heads to Boston. I would have gone but a winter storm is threatening to close airports down. I need to be back at Amber in two days to resume basketball practice.

I was nervous about meeting James’s family and anxious to visit again with my girlfriends back at Amber.

Dad gets a bit obnoxious after James leaves and I do all I can to make it until evening. Luckily I have a key to Jim’s apartment and go there the next day. Later, I wish I had stayed home. I learn when I called back that Mom’s health continues to grow worse.

I spent New Year’s Day at the Ottomann’s. They have become very important to me, like a second family.

Olivia has stayed in Florida to visit with family and is trapped there by a storm. We’re worried a little, whether she will be allowed to come back. We play a good team on the third of January and Olivia has not been able to get back because of the weather.

Coach likes using different line-ups; saying it keeps the game interesting and all of us motivated. We have even a tougher schedule this year including trips to North Carolina, Ohio State, and Rutgers. We’re 15-0 with a game before going to North Carolina. St. Peter’s boasts they’re going to be the first team going to beat us on our own court. The final score against them of 79-47 convinces them we’re tougher in person.

North Carolina brings a potent offense but they cannot stop our offense as much as we do against them, 81-67. We now have to go back up to Syracuse where that team beat us last year. They only have one loss and that was to Rutgers. We’re able to give them their second defeat despite it being 40-43 at half-time. We find our defense and offense, winning 87-74.

February 4, it is again to be a contest of undefeated teams as we travel to Ohio State. We are to fly in but can get no closer than Pittsburgh; from there we need to travel by bus. It is to be our first national TV game, but it almost doesn’t happen. We’re into Ohio but the interstate road to Columbus is going slow. Though there’s snow on the interstate it is not unusually bad. It is like someone doesn’t want us there. We’ve been bad-mouthed about hoping for bad weather to avoid the game, but that was not the case.

No matter what lane our bus gets into it slows down. I suggest the bus driver call to see if any semi-driver could help us. A Dougal Innes responds to the call; he is a bit behind us and somehow driving the interstate he knew about the game that is to be played. He says he could make things happen. He is a 1/8th of a mile behind us and closing fast, another semi-following him will let us into their lane behind Dougal.

He wants to be sure about who we say we are, our destination and the time we need to arrive. Once he knows who our opponent he is all the happier to help. He too is coming from Pennsylvania but heading south at Columbus to get out of the snow. Our bus driver is happy to follow but is not anxious to get any tickets. Dougal talks to him directly. As he passes, we see this man with a Scottish accent is a black man.

I’m able to talk to him and ask about it. He says it is a story for another time. I share I want to hear it, so we exchange numbers. Coach calls ahead to share our delay and our desire to play. NCAA is happy to give us fifteen to thirty minutes. Ohio State insists the game needs to start on time. Our basketball uniforms come out and we’re changing on the bus. The coaches and cheerleaders are securing as much privacy as possible. While we have our basketball shoes I suggest we wait to put them on until we get on the court.

We are five minutes out when we start to warm up. It looks at the last minute that we’re approaching the arena the wrong way but Dougal is taking us in a rear way and gives us instruction on directions to the basketball arena once inside. We thank him and he is quickly gone. It is with three minutes before game time that we’re on at court-side putting on our shoes. Coach buys us a few extra minutes, as the Assistant Coach calls us together. Instead of having us warm up more; Coach tells us, “We want you, from the beginning of the game, to press, play your fast game and force play inside until we say otherwise. You are to play with no excuses or feeling sorry for yourselves.” The strategy catches Ohio State off guard. Cassie and Dominique get off to a fast start and Marcy is close behind. Stacy and Anne take only two shots each, but with seven minutes left in the half, we open our full game. We have a 39-31 lead at halftime. Coach changes our tactics for the second half. We with the exception of Cassie and the others on rebounds, our game plan now goes to our outside game.

Once down by 12 points, Ohio State is forced to press their game and we get them into foul trouble. The wisecracks at the beginning of the game have long been silenced.

While Cassie is close to fouling out for the first time in her career, Coach lets her play. She does foul out with five minutes left to play, but she has already scored twenty-eight points and grabbed twelve rebounds to help secure our victory. Coach moves me to the inside with Dominique and she has Marcy shooting long shots from the outside. The game is put away before Ohio St. realizes how good Marcy can shoot 3s. With two minutes to go, we’re up by 16 points. Cassie, Marcy, and Stacy have 28, 25 and 21 points respectfully. We have a 90-74 victory, handing Ohio State their first defeat of the season.

While I only have four points all from foul shots I’m able to bring down six rebounds and collect another six assists. Our team hops back onto our bus and despite the snow, Coach is in no mood to spend the night in Ohio. It is midnight when we get a CB call from Dougal. He thanks us for fulfilling our part of the deal. He asks us to call the Innes/Kelley clan fifty miles this side of Chambersburg.

We’re staying near Pittsburgh for the night but we do place a call in the morning. Some of the family will meet us at the rest area for brunch. They too have Scottish brogues, but sure enough, most of them are black. We exchange salutations; Marcy and I quickly feel a kindred spirit.

Before we get back to Amber, Coach has us back to reality. It is 10 days to our stiffest game to date, but she predicts we will let up and lose a game before we play Rutgers. We do have three games scheduled and we are facing good teams but how could we lose?

I do go home for two days to see my mother and get a fitting for my wedding gown. I feel like a little girl in a dream, trying on a wedding gown. My breasts shimmered above the bust line of the gown. I do not have large breasts, but as Patrice joyfully shares, I’m very much a woman. One of my great enjoyments is to watch my mother selecting her dress for the wedding.

Just after the game at Rutgers, she and I will have pictures taken with me in my wedding gown and Mom in her dress. That is despite neither be quite finished.

It is the second game against a good but unranked Providence that Coach’s prediction threatens to come true. We’re down 32-43 at the half and feel like it is worse. Olivia, Stacy and I start with Cassie and Dominique to begin the second half. It is 41-46 when the other starters come back in and the score is 56-56 as we enter into the last period of the game.

We win 82-78, and Coach O’Mara hopes we learned a needed some lesson. Though we’re already at AU, we’re not to go back to our rooms. She has two rooms blacked as out as Red Tent rooms. She insists we need to get back in touch with who we are before it is too late. Coach says, “I don’t want us to lose to Rutgers or anyone else, but most of all I want my team back!”

Several of us speak up for Olivia and a couple of other gals who might be offended by the Red Tent Room. Coach shares we can decide to honor them in how we treat the space or they could opt out or we can decide how to be a team in using the two rooms the way they’ve been open up.

It is awkward at first but Olivia asks me to change with her and to be at her side. Olivia has read the book and while she is quiet she’s set on taking things in as a team member. I don’t know if Coach knew but over half of us are some place in our periods. Despite showers and pads the room quickly has the scent of women and it is not perfume. When Jasmine comes over to us, I thought Olivia is ready to bow out. Olivia gives me a peck on the cheek and begins to move her hands, first over my shoulders and around my neck. Olivia takes us over to the pole and it is messy me who has the first honors.

Olivia takes me away and begins to kiss and lie with me. We’re content in being together until I feel a tinge compelling me to take her to the pole. When I ask, she’s willing and no less than seven others join us at the pole. I am behind her as her coach and Jasmine are beside her reciting a Muslim prayer. Little is shared aloud but many greetings are softly spoken or whispered into Olivia's ears. Olivia and I find a large blanket and snuggle in for the night, actually morning.

Coach has us shower, get breakfast and back to the court for a meeting. Anne and Cassie take over and ask Coach to allow them to head up the team meeting, without the coaches. Our next opponent is surprised at how much better we play. I miss James but will wait to see him after the game at Rutgers.

I lie awake most nights dreaming of my wedding and the woman I’ve become. I still have memories as Brian but the things I tend to remember are somehow now viewed differently. I now remember a fourth-grade dance and the skirt of a girl I liked. There were girls in school I liked sitting behind because I liked their long hair. I also remember the times I use to get angry and act poorly with girls I liked. I now know I acted up because others teased me about like the girls. So many times I felt angry and the need to prove I was a boy.

My times and thoughts about wanting to be a girl were few and far in between. But when they come they often lasted a month or more. Afterward, I would become afraid others would find out. I heard things others said that made me feel ashamed of what I had done or guilty and convicted that I was a terrible boy. The worst nightmare came days before we were to play Rutgers.

We’re to go play Rutgers on their home court next. It is a dream come true for any girl who loves basketball and grew up in New Jersey. I’m both, though I did not grow up that way. I do remember a couple of times of getting caught up in one of Cassie’s fantasies. There was a time or two we pretended we were on the Rutgers’ team and another a time or two of Cassie playing to upset the mighty Rutgers team.

Cassie now has friends she is playing against and both of us have respect for their coach Vivian Stringer. Coach has taken us, Stacy and one other Jersey woman aside and asks us to relax, play our best and enjoy the game.

It is a great game from the first jump ball. We each hold some leads, but no one is ever able to pull away. Cassie has scored but she is being held in check through the first half. I am to play more in the second half, to try to feed Cassie on the move. Just as Cassie and I are moving in sync and she's making good baskets; she threw the ball back out first to me and then Stacy to take 3 point shots.

Cassie’s unselfish play helps us to get and stay on top until late in the fourth period.

We turn the ball over three times and are now down by three. Cassie and I had have practiced a move of me feeding her going towards the lane where she would feed me if I were open to taking a shot. Well, it worked for me twice to get the shot and even a foul shot once. The third time I throw it back to Cassie for her fist stuffed shot of her college career. The next time Cassie faked the throw and goes to the basket. With a minute to play, we have a five-point lead.

They do get the game back to one point but with 12 seconds left and a one-point lead Cassie drives to the basket drawing a foul doing her best in making the basket. We have a four-point lead with 9 seconds left to play. Coach wants us to play close but not foul. It takes seven seconds for Rutgers to get a shot off, and we win by two points.

I tug Cassie to sit down on the arena floor. I have gotten my defender, a guard from Rutgers to stop with us for a moment. When Coach Stringer comes over Cassie and I get up and warmly greet her. They had played a very good game and with a couple of changes, it could have easily been a Rutgers’ victory. She thanks Christine from their team for showing good sportsmanship.

Coach Stringer asks, “Come the Olympics will I get to coach you? Cassie had not given it a thought since it would not be until 2016. It was not set that Coach would be the coach though there were many rumors and advocates for her. Cassie was impressed thinking it is very nice.

Unknown to us Coach O’Mara has arranged for us to stay behind and go home to savor our victory. Many welcome Cassie, seeing her as a hometown hero made good. A few nicely tease me with remembrances of how I use to play as Brian.

Rutgers’ had already lost a game to Connecticut and this would set them back to a second seed in the NCAA championship tournament. I take two days to try my gown and help my Mom. We do manage to get our pictures taken all dressed up at the photographer’s studio.

Amber hopes to go toward a rematch with Chico State, to obtain the championship at that level in preparation for fully competing at the major college level of NCAA. But the NCAA is giving added pressure for one or both schools to come into the larger tournament, now if extended invitations. Both universities would likely receive a bid and strong seeds if we showed an interest.

But rumors also have us as two of four teams being considered to be invited into a playoff to earn the last two positions open. Both our teams resist the pressure. While Chico State has lost two games to larger universities they are picked to sweep this tournament. Cleveland State which had returned most of their players announces through the media that we will not make it back to the final four. All the while, there is clamor about the possibility of two undefeated schools in Division 1, Connecticut and Duke.

I enjoy playing on our team and being in a basketball tournament, but truthfully my juices run warmer when I’m around James. It is easy to get distracted visiting with women in classes or out shopping. Many of my friends realize I have not had their experiences. I easily get caught up in their stories true or imagined. One doctor informs me of all the feelings I think I have as a woman is in my head. Wherever they’re coming from I enjoy them and feel no need to justify or prove I’m a woman. Someone I befriended online is transgender and now and again reminds me it is me and how I see myself that makes me a woman. “Thanks, Joani!”

The first round games are covered on cable and Mom is invited to watch our games with President Campbell. Amber players take Mom’s happiness at heart to give them added incentive. Delaware State has made the tournament but is not a strong opponent and we win easy. Holy Cross coming back as a power in athletics and has no trouble to put us in their sites and plays a very good first half 37-35, but we win going away 86-69.

The next week we’re in Pittsburgh for the regional championship. Cassie plays her best game to date but it is very important that she did as Stacy took a tumble. Stacy is brought out of the game as a precaution.

Olivia, Anne and I are now the backcourt, but only two playing at a time. Olivia is hot and cold as a shooter but handles the ball and directs the team really well. Anne is rarely able to shake her defender but does score and helps set up other plays. It is an answer to prayer that I play well knowing my mother is watching. I hit two long baskets and three closer shots in the first half. Cassie seems to score at will and Marcy and Jasmine each brake into double figures. Stacy is alright but as long as we’re doing well coach keeps her out of the game.

Grambling plays a tough but it is not enough as we rolled to an 83-71 victory. I end the game with 21 points many from the foul line and Cassie finishes with a career high of 43 and 21 rebounds and 11 assists her second triple-double in playoff action. Cleveland State serves notice with a strong win of their own.

It is good to talk with mom after the game. I thank President Campbell for hosting my folks. She shares, “It is quite joyful for everyone seeing you play so well…”

I am one of nine players a month later from the last time we’re in the Red room because of our monthly visitor. Cassie voices what we all were thinking that we could not allow our being women having periods to distract us from our goal. It easily could be the case as energy and nausea often accompany our changes.

Cassie and I enjoy conversation and being warmly in the embrace of the other. Debbie comes over and she is despondent. She is wondering if I might go with her to the pole. She is a forward who has been improving her game and helps us immensely in practice but receives little play time. When I begin to massage her back and shoulders we talk; Marcy and Dominique come to join us. They realize she probably does not know how much they think of her and wants to be better friends.

I’m the one being turned on by her. I first caress her ears and neck and ultimately lead her to the pole. After she is done at the pole it is Debbie who leads me away. Her kisses are warm and passionate, while her touch is gentle but firm where it excites me. She strokes the sides of my vagina and probes me. When I repeat similar touches with her I can feel the response of her enjoyment. I caress her neck and ears. Our legs wrap one another in a sensual embrace and we work to bring us both a wonderful time.

She asks if James is with me. He was at the game and we spent time together. I’m hesitant to tell her that Marge and Richard Hamilton are here as well…

Getting ready for Cleveland State makes for a long meeting as Coach O’Mara has a lot to share. She underscores we have come too far to be intimidated. It is time we play with the composure of an undefeated team getting here. “You have defeated some of the best and you are among the best. You play out your heart against lesser teams who want to send you home. It’s too early to go home. Cleveland State should not beat you; you’re better than they are.”

Coach knew that we were in danger of defeating ourselves and she is not going to allow that to happen. We have a short but good practice and each of us finds our shooting spots as well as our passing lanes. She also adds some new wrinkles to make our offense even harder for opponents to predict. We’re allowed to be in the Red Room but she wants us to nestle in by 11:00 p.m. Cassie asks me to speak that night about being a women’s team.

My mom couldn’t be there, the thirteen moms that could be are. “The AU Ambassadors are here as a team greater than our own. I respect the Cleveland State players, but I doubt if they have the sense of being a women’s team like you and me. I believe we have a bond that is united in blood and spirit. It is not a warrior’s anthem; it is the journey of us as women. It is the life we put into a game that makes us champions.”

I heard from friends and family, only a few were able to make the game. Kayla, her mom, and Ron are joyfully among them. For once I feel the many that are not there, are in support of me and my team. Cassie controls the tip as I start the game in Stacy’s place. Stacy is fine but Coach wants others wondering how healthy she might be and for our team to see what we can do when she is not playing.

We work the ball and Cassie is on from her first shot. We take an early 15-5 lead and Cleveland never gets closer than 5 points the rest of that half. We take a 42-32 lead into half time on a buzzer-beating three point score.

Coach wants to send a message. She shares that even the third string better play good basketball and attack the basket with the ball. It works as Cassie scored 31 points, grabbed 14 rebounds as well have four blocked shots That despite sitting down the last five minutes of the game. It is a great team game and as well as we scored it was our defense that earned us the 92-64 victory.

When I sat on the court at the end of our game, all of the team joins me, and I feel many of the Cleveland State team wanted too. They did not play as poorly as the score looks, but Coach had inspired us and coached one of her best games. Kyle and Karen, Coach O’Mara’s son and daughter, are in the stands. Anne and Cassie present them one of our game balls at my suggestion.

I so enjoy being swept up in James' arms. He has no problem with my sweaty body. He had worked up a sweat in cheering for me and the team, but I often like the smell of his body.

I didn’t get to speak to them, so I’m not sure, but I thought I might have recognized some members of the Innes/Kelley family.

Despite being the only undefeated team in our Final Four we are still not favored to win the championship. Some say it is because California is a larger viewing area. Others say they are faster and have an overall height advantage.

Some majors at the university are more accommodating of athletes, engineering and medicine are not. Studies are regularly hard enough the distraction of the tournament makes it more difficult. Thankfully James snuck me out and got me to relax Wednesday night. I so wanted to give up and have sex with him. I kiss him saying, “I hope I don’t regret pushing you away…”

Story to be continued…

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Getting ready for Cleveland State made for a long practice as Coach O’Mara had a lot to share. Coach met with the coaches who had scouted our opponent and they planned our strategy in playing them. Coach Jessie underscored the team had come too far to be intimidated. It was time we played with the composure of an undefeated team getting here. “You have defeated some of the best and you are among the best. You need to play your best even against lesser teams, they would like no better than to send you home. It’s too early to go home!”

Coach knew that we were in danger of defeating ourselves and she was not going to allow that to happen. We had a good practice and each of us found our shooting spots and our passing lanes. She added some new wrinkles to our playbook to make our offense even harder for opponents to figure out. Even harder than it had been.

We were allowed to be in the Red Room but she wanted us to nestle in by 11:00 p.m. Funny, Anne and Cassie asked me to speak that night about being a women’s team. My mom couldn’t be there at the tournament, the thirteen moms that could be, were. “The Amber Ambassadors are here it's a team greater than ourselves. I respect the Cleveland State players, but I doubt they have the sense of being a women’s team like we are. Last year they out-matched most guys. They had the attitude of too many stars and not a sense of being a team. I believe we have a bond that is united in blood and spirit. It is not a warrior’s anthem; it is the journey of women, us as a team. It is the life we put into our game that can make us a champion.” Few used the poll but we were all around it with candles flickering in our faces. It set the mood with warmth, some hugs but mostly just being with each other. I love the whole team, but Anne and Cassie as well as Marcy, Staci and Olivia have become extra close in my heart. Dominique misses her sister, but she has bonded well with Cassie, Marcy, and Jasmine. I could recite how many of us match up with others, but most of all our team is a family.

I had heard from friends and family, only a few were able to make the game. Kayla joyfully was one of them with her parents. For once I felt the many that were not there, were in support of me and my team. Though sleep had not come easy I was well rested come morning.

Cassie controlled the tip as I started the game in Stacy’s place. Stacy was healthy but Coach wanted our opponents wondering and for the team to see what we could do if Stacy was not playing. We worked the ball and Cassie was on her game from her first shot. We took an early 15-5 lead and Cleveland never got closer than 5 points the rest of that half. We took a 42-32 lead into half time on a buzzer-beating three point shot from Anne.

Coach wanted to send a message. She told us that even the third string better play good basketball and attack the basket when they had the ball. It worked as Cassie scored 31 points, grabbed 14 rebounds as well as blocked 4 shots, despite sitting down the last five minutes. It was a great team game and as good as we scored; it was our defense that earned us the 92-64 victory.

When I sat on the court at the end of our game, most of the team joined me, and I felt some of the Cleveland State team wanted too. They did not play as poorly as the score looked, but Coach had inspired us and she coached one of her best games. Kyle and Karen were in the stands; I was one of those who suggested the team presented them with our game ball.

I found myself reflecting back: I wouldn’t have looked at things the same if I had remained Brian. Though I’m not terribly girly right after a game, I do take pride in my appearance and how I present myself. Coming clean in the shower and using a nice perfume gives me a sense of being me again. I like having a light chain necklace and bracelet or ring on. Away from Amber University, I do not wear my engagement ring. It would hurt too much to lose it or have it stolen. Locker rooms are not considered safe places for valuables. If James is with me it goes on a chain around his neck.

Despite being the only undefeated team in the larger tournament, we were still not favored to win the championship as we move ahead to the Final Four round and a coveted Championship. West coast sportswriters, as well as the national media, voiced our opposing teams were faster and their depth would wear us down. It would be the following Friday/Sunday we would play.

We were out once again to enjoy being the underdogs until the end. When Coach was asked about our greatest obstacle in beating Chico State; she stated, "not being beaten by Florida International." Coach openly shared she expected Florida International to be the toughest of our games.

My Mom had become sicker, but no one who knew shared that with me. When she was not well enough to talk with me, I was told she was resting. That was in accordance with my mother’s wishes. She knew this would be my championship experience. She was sure that though she was sick that she would recuperate. She expected to get better once again as Spring came around. She was more worried about my wedding is months away.

Carol alone did me the favor as we were going to Chicago for the Championship round. She told me my Mom was really sick again. She knew that my heart and prayers had the room to be mindful of my Mother as well as the basketball games. It disturbed me that I might not have known fully about my mother’s health. Carol promised me she or others would talk to me if needed.

Come the first game, we knew Cassie would be closely double teamed by Florida International. Only Anne, Marcy and I had found the basket consistently as we were down 35-38 at half time. Anne wrenched her knee early in the third quarter and I would be playing much of the rest of the game. Cassie, Marcy, Kendra, Staci and I combined for 51 second-half points and cruised to a hard-won victory at 89-81.

I did talk to mom shortly after the game. It is interesting how in the course of a game opposing players may gain a spirit of collegiality or lose the respect of another. Florida International had to be seen as a worthy opponent and the players were more a face than just a number.

Florida International had its own Staci who played opposite of me in our game. It was like we started out with a sense of respect even as we had started out in viewing scouting reports and game segments. During the first half, we each found ourselves against a worthy opponent. Each of us was beat a time or two by the other. When we were successful we had to work to be so. If one fell or was forced out, it felt good to extend a hand.

Come, the end of the game when I went to sit down, I invited Staci and she sat for a moment with me. She asked if we could meet or talk the following day. When we went different ways to our locker rooms we gave each other a hug. I sensed she wanted to give me a kiss. The strange thing was, I think I would have kissed her back. During the game, I scored 16 points, was credited with 8 assists, a steal, and two rebounds.

Mom shared she was doing better but she wanted to see me after we won our championship. Mom was the one inspiring me with her toughness, even more with her love. It was at breakfast that Staci from Florida International caught up to me. She was feeling a bit down from losing but she wanted to know about the Red Tent. We visited and she was truly interested. When I warned her some may have problems with it and insinuate any who would participate should be labeled lesbians true or not.

Staci said that wasn’t unusual anyway once teammates hung around as friends and she wasn’t averse to being called one. I blushed feeling I spoke poorly. She had not meant to do that and understood the way I was saying it. When I shared she was attractive and a person I could befriend; she asked if I would go up to her room to talk more.

I told her I needed to meet my fiancé in a couple of hours. While we were there she shared she had a desire to give me a kiss instead of a hug when we parted after the game. I acknowledged I felt a bit of the same. Our eyes and lips at that point seemed to be drawn to each other. I knew she wanted to kiss me and I felt I shouldn’t. But when her hand lit upon my chin I could only close my eyes and parse my lips.

The kiss was warm and grew to become sensuous. She went to the opened door and shut and locked it. She pushed me gently down on the bed and came down over me. My body reacted as a hand made its way up my skirt. Staci paused and lay down next to me and said, “If you want I would stop.”

I replied “I don’t know if I can, I know I shouldn’t, but I...” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t stopping her as her hand was now between my legs and touching me, so nicely. We were kissing as I began to caress her breasts. We were hot getting hotter as she had my panties off and was undoing my bra. I couldn’t believe it but at the same time, she undressed me she too was bare and climbing on top of me. We rolled around on the bed and brought one another into multiple orgasms. Over an hour had passed and I realized I would need to get a shower and change before I saw James. Staci read my mind and shared I could shower there and wear a pair of her panties, but she was not done with me.

She had not forced me; I was a willing participant. Her last orgasm was strong and rich. I had never enjoyed helping another woman to feel so turned on as she did. However, walking away from there and getting ready to meet James gave me great worry and wonder about me. I was neither comfortable in sharing it with James nor hiding things from him. I was rightfully worried about our engagement.

It was only forty minutes later when James and I got together. James saw concern in my eyes and worried first that it had to do with my mom. James was relieved that it was not about my mom but encouraged me to confide in him. I shared it concerned me and probably would impact our relationship. I told him, I was not comfortable sharing with him at that moment. When he openly gave his whole-hearted support to me. I broke down in tears. James reiterated for me to trust him, and my tears continued. “Jenn are you going to leave me to reach for straws.”

“James you’re too nice please don’t.”

“Jenny the only thing would be another guy; is it that?”

“No, James but… “

“Jenny, do you love me?”

“Yes, James but…”

“Jenny, I have done my homework and I did not ask you to marry me thinking everything would be easy. You are a beautiful person with many attributes, but life hasn’t and won’t likely be always easy.” When he hinted the possibility of me being attracted to another woman, my face expressed the shock of him knowing.

He quickly asked me to trust him. James shared info I did not know that a transgendered person often continued to be attracted to those who use to be of the opposite sex. “Jenny, I am not sharing I condone, but I am not walking away from you. I would like you not to walk away from me or our engagement. I will not accept your being with another guy. Nor will I accept any person to come between you or family if we would be blessed with children.”

“James, you can’t mean what you are saying.” I broke down in tears. I am so blessed with James.

Dougal Kelley was at the championship tournament. I did not buy his statement he was there to see us. While he would not share why he did share I was right in thinking there was more. I shared with our team we needed to be together and stressed we should be in groups of no less than three. Later that day during a reception I noticed workers pass a knife, and hit fast dial to Dougal’s number.

I followed the person with the knife and got Marcy to follow with me. The waitress was making a direct path for Coach and when there was a noise behind me; I instinctively grabbed and took the woman to the ground. What had happened was someone locked the reception door and made a fuss. It was, to begin with the attack on Coach that keyed the reaction of the group. Four Agents were already in the hall and three suspicious people had quickly been identified. A systematic check caused two others within the hall to be detained.

Dougal thanks me for what I did. They had seen her accomplice but had not tracked the waitress. Dougal shared I was to enjoy myself but keep my eyes open. Dougal did share I would probably see a few people from Pennsylvania in unusual kilts the following day. I introduce Dougal and James to one another.

That night I broke with team tradition and snuggled in the comfort of James’ arms. Others said I did something heroic, but I was afraid and I felt vulnerable. James comforted me with his strong arms sharing my feelings were common for a person going through what I did. I asked how he knew and he shared he just did. He acknowledged he was not with Dougal or the others but he knew through his service time.

During that day off and early on the game day we, the team, befriended a lot of people wherever we went. We split up as some visited two hospitals, St Luke’s and Northwestern and we spoke with sick children, youth and their families. From the church services to the hospitals, restaurants and in the hotel lobby we picked up the nickname of basketball’s women ambassadors. President Campbell wanted to share the accolades before the game, but Coach convinced her to wait until afterward.

Stacy was asked to be our balancing force in taking pressure off of Cassie and she responded as we expected. She had 16 points in the first half as we pulled out to a 42-33 halftime lead. She and I combine to go six for six from the three-point range. Our pressure defense also had Chico State with several players in foul trouble.

While that officially did not trouble Chico State, so said their coach at half time. It served notice that they were more than evenly matched.

As we went to the locker room at half-time, someone quickly blocked Olivia from getting to the locker room. He was a young Arab man angry with Olivia playing in shorts, exposing to much for a Muslim woman. I stepped between them and he threatened us both. Officers were quickly there but they didn’t feel safe in rushing or shooting him. I said, “Sir, respectfully you will not honor Allah today by hurting me, Olivia or dying yourself. Though you may differ with her, she too loves Allah and worships him. Please do not hurt anyone nor let others take your weapon away, but lay it down because you take a higher way.”

He dropped his weapon and was quickly taken into custody. Dougal was already there, thanking me and afraid for me. “Olivia and Jenny, thank God you two are safe. Do you realize what you did?” Marcy helped me and Denise helped Olivia to the locker room.

The two of us were still shaken come the beginning of the second half. That allowed Chico State to pull back closer. But the team recovered and Chico never got closer than three points. Staci missed two long shots but once she scored again she was good after that.

Anne was the play maker and terribly tough on defense. She and I were both pushing our capabilities as players. I took two hard tumbles with one of them taking me into the seats. I was surprised to hear I scored nineteen points, had a few assists and forced six turnovers or steals. We pulled away, not letting up in fear of a collapse, for a 96-74 championship victory.

Instead of receiving praise, we were criticized for avoiding the bigger schools in the major NCAA Tournament. They said we protected our undefeated record by taking the less challenging path.

Unbeaten Duke and once-beaten Connecticut issued us challenges to a game if either team won the championship the following week.

Coach O’Mara was more than pleased with our win and our 34-0 record. President Campbell gave us accolades for our representing the best of women’s basketball on and off the court. She was openly critical about how we were being treated by some of the media. I was dumbfounded to be named to the first team all-tournament team, beating out Stacy. And then it was announced I was chosen as the Most Valuable Player of the Tournament. I disagree with the decision knowing Cassie or Stacy would have been my choice, but both of them insisted I accept the award.

FBI Agent Dougal Kelley had an official release given from the FBI sharing our help in foiling acts of possible violence. That did dispel some of the criticism we were getting.

We flew into Philadelphia early Tuesday morning and received a large welcome at the airport and at the University, and were to be given a warm welcome by Philadelphia.

Marsha Miller had flown back on the jet with us. Several of us talked to her about doing a feature story of Coach O’Mara. She smiled and shared it was in the offing for the coming Sunday’s sports page with a large article on Amber University’s championship season.

When I talked to mom she was doing fine. President Campbell encouraged me to stay through Wednesday noon, but to go home when needed. The championship and the welcomes Tuesday were like one continuous high.

I stayed with James Tuesday night and was packed to go home Wednesday morning, but I went for a run with James before heading home. We had run just over a mile and half as we were running next to a park when my world crashed in.

James had run just ahead between parked cars and oncoming traffic. A car swerved and came between us. I was quickly pulled into a van whose side door quickly opened and closed. It wasn’t until I was being gagged and thrown down that I realized I was in trouble. Something hit me across the face and the van was moving. I was hit again and again. I was hit hard in the stomach as my arms were being forced up and my running clothes were being pulled or torn.

The van was stopping again as they tried to force my legs apart and they finally hit me hard enough in the stomach to cause me to gasp for air and relax my muscles. My legs were now being forced apart. I tried to scream, one of them put tape over the gag in my mouth. I was hit by something across the face first from the right and then the left. I was knocked defenseless, but not quite out. I felt a man forced his way into me. He was pleased to have gotten a virgin. He quickly came and was off as another man got on top of me. He was calling me a slut and slapped me across the face. He ripped off my bra hurting me even more.

He was vocal about my enjoyment and gave me a kiss. I found myself instinctively responding to his kiss. “Look at that honey, you may have been a virgin, but you are a slut who loves it.” He took his time with me, but he was forceful and it hurt. They were joking and laughing as a third man got on top.

The driver had come down to hold me and await his turn when things started to go wrong for them and the driver quickly got back to drive. The side door was forced open and one man fell or was pulled out and I was being rolled up into a blanket I was lying on. As the van started to move I have pushed out the back of the van.

I yelled as I was being grabbed again and I tried to fight harder when I finally recognized James’ voice. I quickly became ashamed as my clothes were torn off and I had not been able to protect myself from being raped. James hugged me, and then quickly put his shirt over me. James yelled at someone. He told me, he needed to call for help.

Then there were police and James was being pulled away from me. James and another man were being held. I yelled for James and finally, he was allowed to be within my sight. I heard an officer calling for medics as the pain and shame were getting stronger and overwhelming me. I wanted to cry but I wouldn’t let myself.

Each touch of those there was like a touch of the rapists; they were somehow still there. Others stood and I was on display, then there was a voice calling to me saying, "You are safe and alright." I yelled, "I'm not alright!" She said, "But you’ll be alright, I'll protect you.”

I begin to cry, “O God, O God.”

The voice said, “That’s good, I am here to help you and keep you safe. Is that okay?” She continued to talk. I told her my name and she said she would stay with me. “How bad am I?”

I was placed on a stretcher and placed in an ambulance. I was scared and wanted to scream but I only cried. I knew that woman was there.

James wanted to ride with me; I asked for him but they said no. The woman officer came instead. I asked her name as we went. “Monica”, she was both a police officer and a medic nurse. “Who are your parents and where can they reach them?”

It caused me anguish, “You can call Chaplain Ramona, Anne or Cassie, but you can’t call my parents. Do you hear me? Do you hear me!” I wanted my mommy so bad, but I couldn’t have her or my dad see me like this.

Once at the hospital, Monica wanted me to be seen in a short time and was upset the doctors present were not examining me as she wanted. Monica was impatient for the proper doctor to show and to make sure the exam procedures were done correctly and evidence handled properly. She had a call in for Dr. Heath, but she also went up to the OB-GYN floor and got a Dr. McDonald to come down and help.

Dr. McDonald said, “Jenny, this shouldn’t hurt, but it is uncomfortable and humbling. I need to take some swipes of your vagina and we need to document your injuries. I might talk impersonally and I apologize.” She said, “I’m Dr. McDonald. When others come I might allow a short visit but for now, I will limit their presence.”

I thanked her and Monica. I asked if James and a friend could come in. “If James is here he can be in as soon as the exam’s done. Yes, a friend can be with you, but it is hard and either might need to leave.” She documented where I was hit, bruising, bleeding and torn. They needed to do ex-rays to make sure there were no broken bones.

Monica asked questions about what I remembered. I thought I had remembered little, but she got that there was a white van with a broad blue stripe. 4-5 men of different backgrounds. Vasquez, a black man with lighter skin, a white man and another was Latino all from within the city. All of them were in their twenties. I told how they hit me with something across the face and bound my arms, hit me in the stomach. What they said and how they tore off my clothes and ripped off my bra.

Dr. McDonald was able to relate most of the injuries to my accounts of what happened, plus more damage than I had realized or mentioned out loud. An officer specializing in gangs was requested. Someone was getting additional information by questioning James.

My friend Cassie made it to the hospital first and then Ramona and Anne. I gave permission for Cassie to sign for me in granting permission for various procedures and treatment if my ability to make a decision was questioned.

Ramona and Cassie stayed at my bedside as did Monica. Anne was with James and more deeply and she was visibly moved by my injuries. She thought I didn’t hear, but she blamed herself for me being a woman.

“Annie no, you are not to blame. I am a woman! I have friends who surround me, James who loves me.” Monica was not sure what she heard about me being a woman, I could see by her expression, but she put it aside for now. Ramona had a good bedside manner and was a calming presence.

James was back and I cried. “James where were you?” Monica shared, "It was James who saved you from worse." He shared from his perspective of what happened. Part of my hurt was letting go of feelings and resentment as he shared his story. Honestly, I was still disappointed.

I heard a man call in, “FBI and cousin coming in.” Monica was ready to pull her gun when she said, “Unless you are agent Kelley you better halt right there.”

Dougal Kelley showed his face and badge as he came up to me. “Sorry to be here darling, but I am glad to see you.”

Monica asked, “How are you related?” She’s a cousin in the Kelley family. Monica wasn’t buying it, but Dougal presented me with a black, yellow, brown, tan, green and white plaid tartan. He said, “Cry into it, if it helps.” Crying, I took a hold of it as he said, “That’s it, let it out.”

I introduced everybody to him. Anne and Cassie knew him and James had met him first in St. Louis and again in Chicago. Dougal shared that the FBI was in on the investigation. Officer Monica Morgan questioned on what grounds. Dougal shared, “Kidnapping's a federal offense. James told me about the van? Saying, it was a white Chevy, full-size van. The plates were blue and yellow BF__45.” He said, “It is an out of state Jersey vehicle that is being tracked for now.” He turned to Monica, “Officer Morgan do you have any word on the gang possibility?”

She said, “Cougars are the most likely, it’s a male gang going across racial lines. They work Philadelphia and a little in Jersey. Their MO is drugs, numbers, sex, and territory. They use force and intimidation to protect themselves. They’ve been arrested but avoid prosecution by intimidation and threats. Threats have been made and delivered on, though that has never been proven in court. Usually, there are no eyewitnesses.”

“What do you mean usually?”

“Jenny is a rare eyewitness, but I am not sure she will hold up under threats.”

Dougal growled, “Vasquez does not want to threaten her.”

Monica pointedly said, “Agent Kelley, you cannot threaten him that will interfere with the prosecution.”

“O’ I wasn’t threatening him; I was just pretty sure he does not want to threaten her. Jenny, can I look at your injuries?”

A nurse said, “Agent, that isn’t needed.”

He said, “If I didn’t think it was important I wouldn’t ask Miss.”

The Nurse says, “Okay if others go out, but I and another woman need to stay.”

Dougal said aloud, “I would like to ask if my niece Keisha could be in with us.” Keisha was a bit older than me in her mid-twenties. As Dougal looked he asked questions of me. While Monica was not happy, she seemed to have respect for his professionalism.

I asked how she knew of Dougal Kelley. “He’s a noted and decorated FBI agent and more.”

“What do you mean more?”

Monica said, “Well it is hard to determine where facts and legend mix and how true whatever all is.”

I said, “Woe, Dougal is that why it was so easy to deliver us to the arena in Ohio?” He just smiled as Monica looked at him.

“It wasn’t easy, just the right thing. I didn’t know anything would come of it…"

Dougal said to me, “You will learn what is important at the family reunion. Keisha, ‘She’s coming to the reunion.’ He asked, and Keisha approved. When she did, he said the invite is now official. He told me I needed to be invited by two Kelleys.

Dougal was now on his phone with someone, “We need to find Vasquez of the Cougars and to look in his neighborhood for the van. …Good go for it, I will be following in route.”

James was entering the room as Dougal spoke and was preparing to leave. James asked to go with him and Monica charged them both, “Do not go to be part of it.”

Dougal told Monica, “No can do.” And James said, “I’m with him.”

I screamed, “James and Dougal no! James, you will not go if you want to marry this piece of trash! Dougal, we are not related if you walk out on me, I need your strength here!” They both turned around and stopped. They tried to reason with me, but there was no reasoning at that moment.

Monica congratulated me for being so persuasive. She said, “I will need to remember that one.” I reached out for each of them to grasp a hand. I began to cry sharing, “I could not stand it if they or someone else got hurt.”

Dougal was back on the phone, “Billy, I won’t be coming. Don’t be too rough in trying to get information or confessions.”

Monica asked, “Dougal, did you give non-instructions in that order?” He smiled.

Over his equipment came word, “We found the house at 1708 Longfellow, but there is a closed garage with smoke coming out of it two houses down. Dougal told him if that is 1716 break down the garage door, pull the vehicle out and hose it down.”

Marcia questioned his call and he shared, “1716. Jenny, did you say they shared they had another girl?”

I responded “Someone said ‘(Me) She’s the second today. I know that meant there was another person they raped.’”

He said, “There is another life at stake and pursuit is advisable.” They stormed 1716 and caught men trying to get in a tunnel. “Ask them about the other girl? None found Doug and they said we are making a false accusation.”

Dougal said, “Take police with you and do separate interrogations. We want to see who comes up with the biggest list of charges. Get the smaller guys to sing about this and other times.”

Someone asked back, “Doug is that Vasquez guy the leader? He’s tough, he just tried to escape and it took two of us to get his face in the ground and hand-cuffs on him. His nose might have been broken.”

“This is Officer Morgan and you guys better not screw up this case with excessive force...”

“Officer Morgan, Sgt. Squires here Vasquez made the mistake of breaking away. No improper force was used. But his wrist was hurt in his struggle to get away….”

Dr. McDonald said, “Okay let’s get this young woman up to a room and watched closely.”

I said, “I can’t, I need to get to my Mom. She might be dying.”

“You are in no shape to go and your mom shouldn’t see you like this.”

Anne asked, “Doctor, her Mom is gravely ill, is there any possible way?”

Dr. McDonald shared, “I do not advise it. There are injuries we cannot hide.”

I spoke up, “Well, I am known to my family as a poor driver, what kind of an accident could I have been in, to have these visible injuries?”

Dr. McDonald said, “Someone else would need to drive you and… But even that I don’t recommend.”

Nurse Hollister looks at Dr. McDonald before she speaks, “If you are set on going; we will get you cleaned up the best we can and give you some medication to take along… Officer Morgan, can you hold or limit what public information you need to release for a while?”

She said, “They know something happened. We will need to bring some reporter in the loop but I am not sure whom we can trust.” Cassie and Anne share they did. Marsha Miller and a regular reporter could be brought in. Marsha took photos to boot.

Dr. McDonald required me to stay another 90 minutes and to return as she would request. James and Cassie were waiting for me at a side door. She released me to Cassie’s care; without her approval would have meant she would discontinue being my doctor. For now, this would protect my confidentiality and I would not be available for comment.

Anne ran back to our rooms and packed me some clothing. Cassie and I rode with James and Anne would follow to bring James back. I slept most of the way in Cassie’s arms. James drove and Anne navigated our trip most of the way. James took us right to the house…

Story to be continued…

Please give a kudo if this chapter was good. Comments and PM are appreciated.

Here I was home being gingerly walked up to the house. Cassie and I would stay but James and Anne stop in for only a short visit. Dad had been called ahead but he is still alarmed by what he sees of my condition.

Dad went into their bedroom, “Your daughter Jennifer is home. You need to know that she is okay, but she had quite the accident.” Mom and I both cried as we saw the other. Mom was sitting up in bed, looking quite frail, frailer than I ever saw her before. James shared, “Mrs. Green, Jenny was very anxious to get home, but she had been too tired to be doing her best driving.” Mom seemed to believe things.

Cassie and Anne visited with Dad and others, while James and I visited with mom. Anne came into visit before James and she had to leave.

Anne wanted to change her mind and be here for me, but at my urging, Cassie encouraged her to go back to Amber University. Cassie said, “Anne, you should be getting back and allow Jenny uninterrupted time with her mom.”

Cassie shared that others should be glad Anne and others were not staying. “While, Coach might understand our being gone today, she will want one of the team captains there tomorrow. She’ll want word on how Jenny’s Mom is as well as Jenny? I'll stay here to be close if Jenn needs someone.”

“What about the Coach?” Mom asked what that meant.

Cassie answered, “Coach is tough but push, come to shove and she will back her team. Someone needs to be there for her, she’s going to get flack for allowing us to be away when the spotlight is shining on the team and university. As much as the Championship means, you and Jenny mean as much and more.”

Anne and I both agreed she needed to return. I gave James and Anne hugs but I was not walking them out. Every movement causes me pain or discomfort. Cassie called her folks to say she was home but staying over with me for now. I gave her the keys to my car as I was not to be driving. I really wanted my car out of sight, since I was not really in an accident

It was evening and after family had been here and gone, mom confronted me. “Jenny, what really happened and is anyone else hurt?”

“What do you mean Mom?” She told me I was a hurting woman and she wanted to know what happened. I gave her a description that was bad enough, but not everything. She said, “Now we can spend some important time together.” Mom shared, “James and you might go through a tough time now and then, but you will need to give room for him to grow as a lover and husband.”

She continued, “I can’t believe how much you have grown as a woman. I’m proud.” I interrupt with a “But…” Mom says, “Yes, ‘but’ you need time and space because you have much growing yet to come as a woman. The transformation does not make up for the years others have grown up as a girl and woman.” Mom lifts my hands like she is looking closely at me, but she’s also trying to look inside of me. “You love him deeply, even though it’s been a short time, don’t you?”

I said, “Yes, Mom, I don’t understand it, but I’m already deeply in love with James. But like you say I’m growing as a woman. I’d like more time but we agree the wedding should be soon.”

Mom asked and I kind of lie. She said, “You’re not getting married soon because of me?”

“We are already set to look at churches in New York City for the wedding Mom. It is important to us.” All this was so hard like I’m trying to walk through a dream, while I’m living through a nightmare. I think doing so was the thing that kept me from falling apart. I very much wanted to believe the good I desire would come true.

Mom changed the subject and talks about basketball and my school work. I shared I could graduate in May, but President Campbell said she would not give me the actual engineering degree until I have a master’s or doctoral degree. I tell Mom, “That isn’t fair!”

Mom said “You know, it is right that an engineering degree needs more education than you have in that subject; you having a few semesters doesn’t quite make up for you to have a degree in engineering. If you wanted your degree this year in Business Administration you should have stayed at Upper Valley. She should save your engineering degree to be presented in two years.”

She said, “I saw the game from President Campbell’s. I am so proud of how you played. I only remember you playing out back with Cassie a time or two. She’s always impressed me, but this past year and the other day you impressed me. Dr. Campbell has given me a copy of the game; it would be fun to watch it together. You played an exceptional game young lady, I am very proud of you. You deserved the Most Valuable Player award.”

“Mom, you're prejudiced, Cassie or Stacy should have gotten that.”

“You got the Most Valuable Player Award that was not your decision but you should be happy about it.” Mom says, “While you earned it as much as Cassie, some say others did not want to acknowledge how good Cassie is.” That thought sucks, but its neat mom and I could share the moment.

After I finished visiting with Mom, I called Cassie and we talked. Cassie and I are special friends and a schism between us would hurt more than the rape. It would hurt more than the honor felt special. Cassie knew that and rose to the occasion; she celebrated for me. “They were right Jessie; we wouldn’t be undefeated without you nor champions.”

“Cassie, you are my best friend and you alone have my vote.”

Cassie would be voted to the third team of the NCAA Women’s Basketball. Stacy and Marcy received some votes and were listed as Honorable Mention. I had never realized how great the recognition was even to be in the latter group.

Bad talk continued from Duke and Connecticut about Amber needing to play one of them.

Coach called me daily to ask about my mom as well as myself. She encouraged me to take time 'for what is important' and we did not talk basketball. The lone exception was my most valuable player award. James was back with me Friday morning. I didn’t give him much attention other than let him hold and hug me or sit with me. It did feel good to have him there for me.

Mom was now getting out of bed and feeling better. Eating soft food like scrambled eggs or a tuna salad sandwich. We’d have a good time talking and snuggling. I felt like her little girl and I loved it.

Duke and Connecticut both won their games Friday evening. They will play each other Sunday evening.

Mom is the same Saturday morning, having a light breakfast. Just after noon mom begins to feel sick and then weakens rapidly. Dad tells me that she had continued to hurt and feel poorly since Tuesday. That her health had been failing the past month and she had chosen to minimize the pain and not undergo extraordinary measures.

Before she died around 3 p.m. Mom said to my Dad, brothers and me. “Thanks, I wanted to stay here at home.” Dad was a little upset that I honored mom’s wishes at the end and did not call the ambulance at 2:30. Hospice was there to keep her comfortable.

There was soon many there and over the next two days a strong presence of family and friends; as mom was well liked and respected. Dad was impressed by the turn out from Amber University as well the Hamilton family.

Unfortunately, I had to go to Philadelphia early Monday to speak to the police. I’m asked if I could identify the people who raped me. Out of three groups, I was able to identify two men. Vasquez was in the fourth group and Monica Morgan had each person share a statement, "You are a slut who" and Vasquez made the mistake of repeating it as he had spoken it to me, "You're a slut who loves it."

Officer Bentley shared Vasquez was probably calculated trying to psyche out me, because he would make sure I was threatened, if not severely hurt or killed. Douglas told me "You will be safe as James and I are seeing to that." I asked what he meant. Dougal shared James’ had friends from the Marines who had already landed on other members of the gang. Vasquez would probably not know how badly for another 36 hours.

Luckily, I did get home before family visitation at the funeral home.

Dad had asked on Sunday and again tonight for me to delay or call off my wedding, before the funeral.

I shared, "I would not call it off and would not decide anything right now. I have talked to James about the wedding but we would wait a few weeks before making any decision." Now, I just wanted to be a grieving daughter. The funeral would be big locally. I had Cassie, as my best friend sits with me at the funeral. My niece Kayla was on my other side. Cassie whispered, “Your Mom knew you’re her daughter. You were there and your Mom knows you love her.” I cry, just not out loud.

I did not know how much I looked like my mother until her sister and one of her brothers told me. My older two brothers agreed. They had all known my mother before she had gotten sick when I was yet six. While she was always precious to me, I really hadn’t seen and remembered her as she looked when she was younger, before she was sick. Somehow now it was more comforting that my appearance comes more from her genes than hormone shots and medicine.

I stayed home through the following Sunday. Getting back to AU and work was helpful. Coach shared she’s considering a game against Duke. Anne and I suggest she challenge to play Duke there, at their arena the week after graduation as a benefit game for children and not as an official game. She liked the idea and several of us combined our heads on how to make the challenge. Coach made the offer as take it or leave it. NCAA was not satisfied but is caught by surprise with Duke’s quick acceptance, before they sought to change the conditions.

President Campbell calls me in to share that I will be graduating with a liberal arts degree in general study and six credits being credited to my graduate degree in engineering. She is a bit surprised that I readily agree and very happy that I’ll be continuing my studies at Amber University.

Dr. Campbell confides in me that she understands much of what I’m going through. President Campbell openly shared, “The death of my own mother and my being a victim to rape; I know it is more trauma than any young woman should have.” I think she felt the need to share it, because of how I was stuffing things down inside of me.

There is a public presentation of our team’s championship trophy and my most valuable player award for the playoff championship. Cassie is also honored by some groups as the outstanding student-athlete in college women’s basketball. I tried to put on a strong front, but found myself giving way to tears. Like usual Anne embraces me and allows me to cry on her shoulder a considerable amount.

President Campbell has me over for dinner to comfort me. She led me to their upstairs guest room and encouraged me to take a nap. I felt childish in doing so, but she leant me a nightgown and left me alone to change. She came back in to tuck me in and sat until I fell to sleep. She would now be Aunt Jane. When I woke she told me James was joining us for dinner.

I have an appointment to meet with Monica Morgan the next day. I can’t say I am happy, but I know I need the help Monica will offer. Being apart from college, friends, and family I will give it a try.

I and others got pulled into the publicity and a couple of appearances for our challenge game with Duke. Many are surprised by our suggestion and readiness to play the game at Duke University. It was becoming the premier venue spot for women’s basketball. To me, it would be even more special than being at Madison Square Garden in NYC. We first encourage and then challenge celebrities and athletes to join us in making this the largest indoor women’s sporting event. If we fill the Duke arena as I first hoped, it would be the largest crowd to attend a women’s basketball game.

And if we entertained those who came and interested others in women’s basketball in particular or women’s athletics, in general, we would accomplish a lot more.

Our initial goal of raising $25,000, for the children’s hospitals of both communities was quickly reached and a goal of $100,000 was now being seen as low with the entrance of television coverage.

Once players from the Nets and Flyers announced they are coming in support of our team, the popularity with male athletes and celebrities takes fire. During an evening night show in NYC, I meet Sheryl Crow. She was to be appearing in Philadelphia a week later. She asked me during the show if we would be willing to receive her earnings from the Philadelphia Concert for the children’s funds. I ask, “What do we need to do?” She then asks, “Could you learn one of my songs to sing with me on stage?” I acknowledged knowing most of her songs, but I do not want to lessen the crowd. She suggests, if I or the team sang with her she might be able to add an extra show the next afternoon before she left town. Before they finished taping the show live they announced the second concert would be secured if people bought enough advanced tickets the following two days.”

Monica Morgan soon has me in a support group for women who had been raped. Heather a person in my support group asks me if I would go to a night spot with her. She wants me to talk to a few of the sisters who want to visit about rape and violence. I visited with Monica and part of my recovery was to openly talk with other women so abused. When Heather shares “sisters” I suspect it was a special community and it was.

It was a group within the lesbian community. Once I knew that Heather expected me to back off. My only reluctance was their experiences would out trump mine. We have two gatherings on successive nights, at the back of a night spot. Some 15 women attend and while the gathering goes well, I knew the reception was somewhat sedated.

Leaving the meeting I was invited to stay and dance. When I share that I’m not gay they ask if I ever danced with my girlfriends. I know I’m being tested, so I chose to stay. It turns out to be a fun evening. I am especially surprised at how I warmed up to two women in particular. Trude makes me especially hot and had no trouble understanding that.

I was told earlier that a slap on their leg was an invitation to sit there and get close. Trude beat me back to a seat and slaps her lap and when I said I shouldn’t. She says, “It sounds like you would like to sit down nonetheless.” She gently taps her lap again. She takes my hand and I sit down wrapping her hand and arm around me. I tell her, “I wouldn’t mind being with you, but not on display.” She shares her apartment is not far away.

“I am not interested in sex, but I miss affection and feeling safe.” I ask, “Can we have one more slow dance?” We do and when her hands slide down inside my slacks and onto my ass it feels good. I sought to return the favor and I’m surprised how nice it feels. I was up in her apartment until early morning sipping wine and talking with her. I know I couldn’t make a habit out of it, but it did felt good to just be there.

The following night’s group is stronger in numbers, as well as more open and honest in its communication. Monica Morgan encouraged me not to mix support with my social life so closely together. It becomes an ongoing group for that community of women and I attend for another month.

Work for A.J. Engineering Ideas Inc., AJEI, is progressing and growing slowly. I was stretched as far as I could be between college, engineering, and basketball. My studies had progressed far enough that I was becoming a contributor as one schooled in engineer as well as an idea person and illustrator.

James and I were doing relatively well, though I still have trouble being close with him when we're alone.

Anne and I feel a need to hire more staff people. But we are wanting someone special to be on board before others were asked on. I did call Sarah Greenleaf, James’ twin sister. She lives upstate in central NY and works as an architect with an engineering company not part from the family’s business. Anne and I go and visit with her. Anne is as impressed as I am and we offer her a position and a 20% ownership of the business within two years. She agrees in principle, but needs to talk with her husband and family; her immediate family, not the larger Hamilton family.

James and I are progressing in our love and relationship. James seems to know when another gal is taking personal interest in me. I have not yet stayed over at his apartment since the rape incident, but I have been there twice.

Cassie has heard me a few times having trouble at night. She comes to my room helping me relax with a massage, or just talking and being given a hug and time. Anne makes sure we eat meals do things together. I usually attend one of two support groups two nights per week in relation to the rape and meet with my counselor regarding my anxieties. I would be in another group if I could work it into my schedule. Finally, with James and Anne, I get back running one and then one and a half miles. I could run longer, but it is my anxiety that keeps me from doing so.

James and I again meet with a senior pastor in NYC. While he had approved Pastor Ramona’s participation in the wedding; he is now requiring himself to be the officiating pastor and states it as the position of the church. Stating Ramona’s part as well as music in the service will ultimately be his decision.

We quickly decide to look for another Church. We did not mind the pastor officiating the service, but felt we have lost any control and input for our wedding. We wanted to know how Ramona was to participate and we are only asked to trust him.

Our team has permission from the NCAA to resume basketball practice the third week of April. Luckily not enough time has passed for us to be out of condition. Coach has us practice in several gyms that have courts similar to that of Duke. It is a small but important detail. Temple’s women’s team scrimmaged us three times before the tournament.

Area high school and junior high girls often came to watch us practice and play. It was a good experience in our meeting the public and advocating women’s sports. Cassie, Staci, Dominique, and Anne are rested and energized from the time off. I am fairly well healed from the physical trauma of the rape and beating I had taken.

Dougal contacts me to see how I’m doing and to make sure I’m planning to attend their Kelley Reunion. I am, though my father is not happy that I will again be away from my own family. I rarely am home or feel welcomed there. I ask Dougal if I could bring Marcy with me, stating she’s a close friend as well as being black. Dougal laughs and says, “So are many of us.” Open mouth and insert foot, ha. “I am sorry Uncle, I deserved that.”

I thanked him for the Kelley plaid sash but share I don’t know with what or exactly how to wear it. He suggests I bring it to the family reunion and learn there. I ask what we would be doing and he shared I would learn the family story. Then I could decide if I’ll fit into the family. I ask if others are likely to have trouble in accepting me. He compliments me, saying, “If you have half the character that I have seen in you, God will give you as a blessing.” We’re on the phone, but I swear he could see my embarrassment. He asks me to not allow my accomplishments or notoriety to take away my humble spirit.

Cheryl C calls me on Thursday before the concert and asks if I could practice with her and the band for my number at the concert. She also asks if Friday or Saturday she could experience the Red Room with me and some friends from the team. I inform her I would have to check. I state that for her and our sake it would to be experienced without publicity. She wholeheartedly agreed.

It works out that Saturday would be better for a good group. The Spectrum is sold out for both shows that’s 11,000 + tickets times two averaging over $40 it would bring in over $50,000 for each fund in Philadelphia and Durham. I didn't know better, so I ask if Cheryl would sing a few songs at one of the children’s hospitals. She acts as she’s very happy that I asked. But I could tell from others they're not so elated. James went with me Friday to the rehearsal. Cheryl jokes saying, “I’ve heard this hunk seems to have the character that is good as his looks. She asks him if he stole his good looks from his sister. Cheryl even knew Sara is his twin.

James shares that there’s a resemblance. but she was somehow more beautiful. James was asked if she was a delicate feminine beauty. James nicely responds, “No she actually reminds me of someone like you Cheryl, who is beautiful in the best sense of the word and with an inner strength.” Cheryl thanks him for the compliment and shares she hoped to meet her sometime. When we practiced the song, Cheryl has me practice a number of songs, saying she’s not sure which one she wants me to sing along with.

She asks me to sit with her and accompany on several other songs. I question why but remain quiet. She says, “It is not required, but I feel it will help you in getting into the feeling of my songs and that would come out when we sing together.” Before I leave she asks me once more to listen to a new song she wrote. She entitled it, “When the Little Girl in the Big Girl Cries”. She indicates it’s probably not ready to be sung, but she wants to know if it would be okay with me if she records it someday.

Well, Saturday night came and I was dressed nicely in a violet skirt and an ivory top with my hair fixed in my trademark basketball French braid. She calls me up despite having all the AU team players and coaches present to stand. She reiterates that the concert would benefit children using the Philadelphia area hospitals as well as one at Durham North Carolina. She shares, “The Amber team has inspired me and others beyond what one might ever expect. The upcoming game is something bigger than the game itself and the Amber team has made that happen. I guess there is something in the Philadelphia and AU spirit that is contagious.”

I sing a song with Cheryl and another three with the backup singers. Seemingly I did okay. I’m invited to go sit down. It is then I chose to speak up, “Folks, I’ve been told one of the neat marks of a great performer is when they accomplish so much, yet keep a humble spirit as has Cheryl C. For the children would you please convey your appreciation?”

The crowd gave her a humbling ovation. She decides because of their warmth, she would like at this concert to share a new song. “If people don’t mind getting their money’s worth. I’d like to introduce a new song before I planned and it’s being recorded, hopefully, good enough to be included in an album as well as released as a single. It would be a change in my style but I hope you might enjoy it. It’s dedicated to a mom named Alice. The title is now “When the Little Girl in the Big Girl Cries”. As she finishes the song the crowd rises with applause that grows to a standing ovation coming from an unbridled concert crowd.

Cheryl says, “The proceeds from that song and its copyright will go to the Jefferson Medical Center.” When the concert is ready to end, Cheryl asks for the AU players up to the stage and for them and the audience joins in the closing song. It is upbeat and the arena is vibrating as the song comes to a close.

Needless to say, the concert gets great reviews this evening in Philadelphia media.

We join Cheryl backstage, and when Cheryl is ready to leave, she heads out a side door with James. James will take her over to the University. A few minutes later I leave through the front exit. I am greeted and answer a few questions as they’re still waiting for Cheryl. They were told before I came out that she was no longer there.

I now have a greater admiration for what comes with the fame of a person such as Cheryl. The night at the Red Room was quickly brought into line when Cheryl shares she would not stay unless she could gain the experience of being just another woman in the room. Staci’s coaching her at the pole as I massage her shoulders and whisper a prayer. Cheryl’s in her period and when her blood shows on the pole women gathered round like a great sacred event is unfolding. Cheryl’s deeply moved and comes to tears. She anoints my head with the blood as it is sufficient to do so. I was richly blessed, as Cheryl left the pole. She took my hand and took me with her. She hoped it was alright yet let me know I had a choice to say no. She touched my heart and we had a bond.

Any who wanted a complimentary ticket from our group for today’s concert received two as well as Coach O’Mara and family.

She had taken my panties off and signed it, stating it needed to always remain with me. I actually had it mounted, framed and hung in a discrete area of my office at AJEI. The Jersey Nets had signed a similar pair that hung for a week in their locker room before it was given back to me. During that time they had played three games they won all the games and one game was considered a very big upset. James tried later to buy my panty in a charity fundraising auction but dropped out at $25,000. It was sold for $38,000 to one of the Nets owners and later was sold to James for about the same price.

The week before the game Coach calls me into her office and shares that I had been given another year of eligibility to play basketball and that I could probably get my fourth year if I pressed for it. She asks if I would accept the third year, then about applying for the fourth.

I state, “I’m interested in the third year but James and I would need to talk. Right now I need to concentrate on my studies and the game.”

James agreed that while my main focus would still be on school another year it made sense if I wanted to play.

Everyone on the team struggles to keep their mind on academics. We’re lucky to have the discipline of academics that we have in place.

President Campbell calls me into her office to talk about a summer engineering program she is demanding me to take. She says, “While it is important, it is a difficult course at best and the best professor from Temple University is to teach it. The problem is he does not like women in engineering.”

“Dr. Campbell, do we really need to discuss this now? The class is very important, I know, but everything we hear is that he is tough enough on his own students and next to impossible on women students. I am not excited about working my ass off to try and get a B. This is a grad course and a C is not very acceptable.”

“Jenny, you are a top student and that is where we need the commitment to come from. Our faculty believes you and others can more than handle this if you work your buns off and study together. Our engineering program needs to bite this bullet and prove how good we are.”

“If Duke is an important game, this is a crucial showdown for our College of Engineering. I want to get six to ten commitments before you head off for this game. AU has been there for you and I am calling on a non-existent I.O.U. from you.”

I ask, “You want a commitment here and now don’t you? Well, selfishly I want to say ’No’, but I might as well get it done. James agrees I will be a better engineer after I master this course. I would rather stay safe and not reach so high.”

Dr. Campbell stresses, “I want you to know, I have five other students naming you as essential to their signing up. You are going to disappoint them by saying yes… Now if you can sit down, I haven’t had time to visit with you.”

I grin at President Campbell, “I said yes, I will take the class!” Dr. Campbell stood up to give me a hug, “I heard you, I am glad… I want you to know I am amazed to see how you’ve grown since you’ve blossomed as a woman. Is any of Brian still there?”

I tell her, “I can’t erase all those years nor do I want to. The Brian part of me understands why I am so anxious trying to be the woman others expect. He celebrates how far I have come. I think he’s part of my having an attraction for other women.”

Studying, papers, projects, and practice make for solid days right up to graduation. I participated in the Philadelphia Spring Social with James escorting me. My gown was simple but very eloquent. Having a day before at a spa and that morning at the salon renewed my love for the experience of being a woman. It is even more enjoyable this year as my breasts and body are fully mine.

It proves to be an important time for me to have an enjoyable time. It is great to feel beautiful and to dance with my prince. When James entered me it was like ice fell away and warmth flowed over and through me.

The next day I did a Philadelphia promotion for the game with Duke. It was impressive enough, I am asked to fly and do the Tonight Show. I’m to have but a few minutes at the end of the program but go on earlier because of a no show. I’m asked, “Does beating Chico State mean you can play with Duke?”

I say, “Duke wanted to play or beat us. We believe we can make more than a good account of women’s basketball.”

The show’s host said, “Not to be sexist, but how does a women’s basketball game become exciting?”

I say, “Not to be sexist, both teams can dunk the ball, shoot three-pointers and generally are nicer to look at.”

“Touché, you are prettier than most men basketball players. They say you are an engineering student; will you and the other girls on your team graduate from college?”

“I will graduate from AU in just over a week but I’m to complete my master’s or a doctorate degree to get the degree in engineering. Cassie our center will become a Medical Doctor. Two players on our team are already partners in an engineering corporation. The Amber University Ambassadors seeks to graduate at least 90% of their student/athletes.”

“Do you always have a good answer?” “No, Sir.”

“Is your fiance jealous or intimidated by you?”

“He is a 6’3” hunk and former Marine, I don’t think so. May I ask if you are coming to the game or too intimidated by another night show to be away from here? I do have two tickets to the game I could sell you, but only if you want to come. The game is already on target to raise a lot for both North Carolina and Philadelphia.”

Graduation without mom is very emotional. Dad, James, and others mean a lot, but there are people one cannot replace. It is good to see Kayla, she wanted to stay the night, but I want to keep that until the Duke game is over. She is now nine, going on sixteen and more like a little sister that I don’t have. It is a treat to be her aunt. A retired Supreme Court Justice is our graduation speaker and she had the admiration and respect of all in the graduating class. I continued to be impressed by how well Amber does things. I thought her address would be the climax of my day, but I was surprisingly wrong…

Story to be continued…

Brian got in touch with his feminine side,
and hoped to get some help in doing so.
He wanted to see himself look like a convincing girl in his own way of thinking.
He never imagined or planned what happened…
Brian's hidden away and Jenny is finding life more natural... Jenny knows beyond a shadow of a doubt who she is... Jenny is surprised by others like her...

It is graduation and President Campbell does not make good on her threat to withhold my degree until I was well in my graduate program. Though I had only been a student for two years at Amber University I’ve done well here, receiving recognition and scholarship help for grad school.

Once again who I have been as Brian comes to light again. If I had not made friends with my past it would haunt me more. Two teachers from my home school wrote to a North Carolina paper: “There is no trace of Brian in Jenny Connors. Brian was a good guy, but awkward in his movements and thoughts. We have seen her play basketball twice as well as having a chance to speak with her. It probably would have been better for Brian if Jenny showed herself earlier in his life.”

The Duke/AU game is now closing in on us and growing in importance and attention, and it would be growing more so as the week continues. It looks not only to be a record crowd, a sold-out arena, but the TV rights are being bought up in growing numbers and beyond any wild expectations.

We have called for a postseason fundraising game. While individual statistics can be kept, only fouls would be officially kept and standard regulations would be observed. Neither a game score nor winner-loser is to be declared. Five minutes are added to the first half of the game and five minutes are added to the second half. This was to give more game for the fans and viewing audience.

It is Amber’s plan to play a competitive game but hopefully gets as many of its players in the game as possible. Duke and the NCAA are still pushing to keep the game score and to declare a winner. It’s being billed as the contest of the unbeaten teams. Seemingly, it is only teams that have played the Ambassadors that are expecting us to make it a contest. Many of them do not expect us to win but to give a good showing of ourselves.

We arrive late Wednesday for our Sunday evening game. We’re set to practice at an area community college as well as two times on the Duke court. Being on the Duke basketball court is like walking on hallowed ground, of women’s basketball fame.

We visit the children’s wing of area hospitals finding out most had not been visited and none to the extent we are showing interest. We have over 30 children from Philadelphia hospitals coming to the game, with two chartered planes and over a dozen buses coming filled with fans. We expect our contingent of over 3,000 fans to be a nice presence in support of our team. It will be small in relation to the 14,000 in attendance supporting Duke. The attendance is now expected to exceed 17,500.

Many are forecasting that Amber will have trouble going the distance and may even experience trouble keeping it a game until half time. Vivian Stringer from Rutgers and coaches from Syracuse and others who had played us warned Duke might be under-estimating their opponent. But they stop short of predicting any possibility of Duke being outplayed.

It is fantastic for us as we show up over an hour and a half early and wanting to get acclimated to the court. We’re warm and cordial to the fans, and especially the young girls, who came early. We have a half dozen game balls brought that we could sign and share with fans.

One family with three young children had come early, to get situated without any hassles. The second child is in a special wheelchair. Several of us go up and visit. We surprise a family who is strong Duke Fans. We seemingly show more interest and courtesy than they expected. When some of our children show up we enjoyed them as well.

A male freshman from Amber comes up to me, “Hi, I’m Cal and you inspired me to come here. It’s taken me this long to get the nerve to show this much.” Jenny takes a half step back. Cal’s nails are painted with a translucent pink. His top is unisex but a camisole appears underneath. Jenny smiles, “It is good to know you. You don’t need to be this far from campus to befriend me. I need to focus on the game for now, ‘chow sister’.”

The crowd begins to become significant forty minutes before the game. One can hear the crowd hush as some people enter the arena and increased noise or applause for others. Players on both sides are impressed. There is no doubt a special game is being played.

Randy Travis is introduced and leads the crowd in singing the national anthem.

The game starts with a fast tempo which was thought to be to Duke’s advantage, but like at Ohio State we’re ready and hold our own.

The game is already off to a good start when I get in and hit my first two three-point attempts. Duke is shooting more shots, I also help to feed Cassie. Seemingly we hit 7 of 9 three-pointers in the first half. We’re playing well on defense as well as on offense. It is a very competitive game. The crowd seems to enjoy the game more than was expected.

Marcy and Dominique each making an early basket make it hard for Duke to focus on Cassie. Jasmine substitutes for each of them, lest they get worn out. We were aggressive early in the game but slow the game down at times and control the tempo. When halftime comes, the crowd gives both the teams a standing ovation.

Several celebrities are used in giving notoriety to the children who are there as well as making presentations of checks to the hospitals of the Durham-Raleigh area as well as the greater Philadelphia area. Celebrities, sports figures, and regular fans alike questioned by the media. They’re finding women’s basketball surprisingly competitive and fun to watch. The halftime festivities today are a bit more entertaining as well.

When we returned to the court the score was up on the scoreboard 49-45 in our favor. The NCAA and Duke officials state with a chance to win we would want the score known. Duke still expects they will beat us easily but say they need the incentive to follow through. We’re hesitant to continue without the agreement being kept. Ultimately we’re told the decision went back to the NCAA and we need to fulfill our part in the game.

I was approached by a TV and then a radio broadcast team. I asked, “People, please let it be known if the agreement should be kept. Coach states, “We are committed to playing a competitive game.” Coach O’Mara says, “But we’ll be playing all of our players either way.”

I was told, “You should be happy as your stats are looking good.”

By the day of the game, there was the expectation to raise over three times for each of the children’s hospitals of each community. Cassie, Marcy, Dominque, and Jasmine are playing good games and even Cassie got a needed break in each half. Well into the third quarter Cassie had been held to fourteen points but has already grabbed ten rebounds and blocked shots.

With three steals in the second half and continued good shooting, it is the game and not me that I’m excited about. The score is kept, but it is not to be shown until the end of the game. Coach O’Mara has chosen not to know the score. Come to the end of the third period we had played all of our second string and two players from the third string. Duke had come back out and on fire in the second half but the teams are still playing dead even as far as we know.

A blocked shot by Cassie was heading out of bound when I caught up to it and sent it up-court. Olivia out-hustled her Duke opponent to it and fed a pass to Staci. It began a 10 point run. It is not until Coach pulls the first team with five minutes to go that Duke began to pull even with us. Duke actually called a time out to urge Coach O’Mara and school officials to play its first string and play for the win.

“We are playing to do our best, and Coach believes in the women we are playing.” Cassie and Stacy both got ovations for outstanding games. Olivia and I are now heading back onto the court, but with more than two minutes I was brought out to another strong ovation. The announcer acknowledges Cassie, Staci, Marcy, and I would be back for another season.

When the game ends and the final score is posted 107-111 in favor of Duke.

Cassie and Anne have us circle the arena and applaud the crowd and each finds a child to lift up. I brought a child and a parent to center court where we sit together. They happen to be from North Carolina and I’m delighted they are. The three of us had many pictures taken. One sports announcer asks me, “How does it feel to come so far to fall four points short and lose?”

“These children are the winners. She is happily from North Carolina. ‘We were told we could not be competitive, maybe we shouldn’t be on the same court.’ We proved those forecasters wrong. We wanted to show the best of women’s basketball. We played the best game I ever played. We still had a 34-0 season. ”

“You did have an outstanding game, scoring some 17 points; we are told that is your career high.” We began to sit as a team on the court but rise to a standing ovation from the crowd. Duke gladly accepted a trophy showing them 34-0, and NCAA is threatening to cause us to forfeit our first three games of the coming season if we do not accept our defeat.

We maintained we were still an undefeated team; accepting the NCAA will make its own decision. Coach Jessica reiterated the public should vote through the newspapers of the area. We were to stay in the area but rode out after the evening festivities. Our reception back at Philadelphia and Amber was our largest yet to date.

The writers’ poll ratings showed us dead even with Duke, despite the apparent loss. The most telling headline came from the Philadelphia Enquirer pronouncing, AU was the winner in regulation time at 85-78 and was still ahead with a 102-101 lead as our sixth and seventh players, left the game.

Several newspapers renamed Coach Jessica O’Mara as their basketball coach of the year, leaving aside the distinction of gender. They reported over a hundred and a half thousand dollars for each community and another $200,000 for national distribution, as Europe and foreign media markets delayed broadcasts of the game.

I’m anxious to see James and get back to my family but the first night back at AU I spend with Cassie. Despite my rape, I’m keeping myself from James until our wedding night.

James came with a surprise and suggestion. The church, where our wedding was to be, changed our agreement and would only allow Pastor Ramona to be a reader. James’ suggestion is to move the wedding to the St. James Presbyterian Church of Washington Square. We visit the church and it is large enough and could be very nice. It is in good need of restoration, as does much of the community around it. The pastor is willing to allow Pastor Ramona to be the officiating minister. He would participate in the wedding as well.

James suggests we donate $100,000 to begin its restoration. James is surprised only a little when I began to walk the neighborhood. I approach a lumber yard hardware store some four blocks away. A dad and daughter owned the company; I asked about them being able to meet our need for supplies.

It begins a plan to restore a seven-block radius of the church, five blocks north to the tracks. It would take in a synagogue, several churches, a struggling but nice motel, a train line, and three schools. I, commit $50,000 to the church and another twenty-five thousand from earnings with AJEI to the community. That is if we can get the Hamiltons, the churches, and the community behind a unified idea. The Hamiltons are willing to commit another $200,000. The church quickly adopts its plan and received approval from those above them. On paper, it appears a modest venture compared to the need.

It is the weekend after Memorial Day when Marcy and I get to the Kelley reunion. We were warmly received, and while Dougal is well-known he’s no more important than others. Great Aunt Polly is named for the first Poly Kelley. She would share the family story on how Scots and slave blacks came together. It is Thursday when Aunt Polly begins the story. “The first Poly worked in the big house of the plantation under the tutelage of her mother. One of the owner’s sons had just taken to learning sex and getting his fun at her expense. Her brothers and another slave had been planning an escape and she had brought foodstuff for their journey. They were upset she had not brought bread, but fruit and vegetables for the journey. From other reports she had overheard, bread made it easier for hounds to track them down.

They had left just after sundown and because the next day was Sabbath, not all the slaves needed to be accounted for. Her eldest brother was Joe to their masters but Joel to the family. He was strong and fast, the one they would depend on when things got rough. They were miles away but still near routes Joel had known when a sharp branch went through Joel’s foot. Though quickly bandaged the next distance became problematic as Joel was in pain and going lame. It would be difficult enough for them to get back and the men go undetected.

It would be most difficult for Poly to get back unnoticed to her basement room in the Master’s house. If she had been found, she would be whipped and sold to another as was the plantation’s practice. Poly continued to head north expecting the other brother and another slave to be with her. Riders came and she was quickly separated and on her own, but that was not for long.

It was near dawn when she was going through a marsh creek bottom when she met with two other runaways. One was a man Bartimus and the other a slave woman Sadie that he loved. Poly having food helped to clinch a relationship. That day they traveled ever so slowly and cautiously through the swamp. Come afternoon, others knew some slaves were on the run north.

Barking hounds, burning torches, angry voices, and the occasional shot of a rifle became too common. The bounty hunters had found some; the grief and horror were painful to hear. The good news, it was not them. Whence shopping Poly had listened in ignorance to stories of runaway slaves, seemingly not all white churchgoers believed in owning slaves. Their communities or people were often a bit isolated from some of the others. Often a single candle lit at night marked a safe stop on the way north.

It would be three more days before such a place would be found. The underground railroad was not a train at all. They had eaten but a few berries here and chewed on some roots and bark to keep their stomachs from growling and cramping.

Aunt Polly stopped the story for the night. Marcy and I were fed and slept with other women listening to the story. By the time we woke the next day the gathering was half again larger as the day before. Marcy and I ate and made our way back to Polly. She was just beginning back into the story. While people were free to come and go, others would come, but almost everyone who started to listen stayed.

“The woods they were traveling in were alongside fields. Tobacco crops were of no help but an apple tree and potato plants did provide some food. While the man climbed and got some apples, Poly went to one hill of potatoes after another reaching underneath and pulling up one or two potatoes. She had nine, one each to eat now and two to carry. Rains would come, most small and short, but one was long and harsh. Each left them cold, damp, and gathered together to keep some warmth. Two nights they hid in pits beneath dirt, leaves, and branches with dogs and men with torches passing within a short distance. That allowed them to make out their hunters' speech. One camp of slave hunters was made but thirty feet away, within a few feet was where the trackers took to relieving themselves. Otis and Poly would carry some of the stench on their clothes.

The fourth, no the fifth day, they came to a homestead with a candle in a window, but no one felt safe to ask for help. Early the next morning the farmer woke up extra early and discovered their presence. He had a rifle but he had no intention of using it unless provoked. We were given bread, cheese, and an egg. Only a few shells remained when finished.

We were advised to stay on the edge of the woods and not to begin travel until nightfall or the next day. The couple made a picnic late that day and ate near to where we were. We each had a bite of chicken and a piece of apple pie.

We washed with muddy water and moldy leaves to take away the scent of home-prepared food. We were in Virginia and as long as the sun or the moon would show north was easy to tell. Once we walked on a road going north for quite a few hours getting off when we heard a horse or wagon in one direction or another. But the last time we stopped, clouds and fog covered the sky for a full day and night. Though we traveled some, come the close of the day, came we realized we had been traveling more west than north.

Little could we tell if those looking for runaways were looking for us or others? It would make little difference if we were found. We had now been traveling for at least ten days when Otis went for food and did not return. We heard dogs and shots off in the distance. Sadie wanted to wait and see if he would return. She wants Otis to return, as she was scared, not use to being on her own. She had always taken orders and was not used to making decisions.

She was not dumb, nor weak in strength, but she did lack courage and the willingness to make decisions. I wasn’t proud that I pulled her hair to get her to follow me. I felt bad but it was not safe to leave her behind. Our clothes bore little resemblance to what they had been. What was left of our skirts clung to our legs; what was white was now brown and green with stains of dirt, grass, and leaves.

While we were close to Mary Land, it was not known as a safe state. The place north of that was needed for any sense of safety. Poly did not know the size of things, how far they had traveled or how far was needed to go. Riders with dogs and chains actually appeared more common. Later Poly learned they were the last effort to capture slaves seeking to make their way to freedom. Seemingly it was too close to freedom for some to go back. One black woman tried crossing a road ahead of us, and when spotted she tried to outrun the bullets and the dogs.

She was no more than a hundred yards away when dogs brought her down. She did not think she would succeed but she would rather be dead than a slave. She was not much when the dogs were through with her, but the bundle in her arm was seen as a prize to her trackers. It was a baby but a few days to a week old. It was unharmed but destined to be a slave.

The trackers would get a bounty for her corpse, but her baby would bring more being sold new instead of being returned. Sadie and Poly cried a river of tears but no sound did they make. It was a few hours before dawn and a mile or two away from that we crossed that road on an isolated hill and turn.

We were over a mile away when shots rang out and dogs began to bark. We were not sure but afraid that dogs had discovered our scent. We were up and running on the edge of some woods and fields. Poly could have gone faster but that would mean leaving Sadie behind. She could have taken the lead, but as of yet, she was not willing. We were not sure it was us they were coming for. We came to a river which was a hundred feet wide. Who knew how deep or strong it was. It seemed the wrong thing to do but Poly insisted they not cross over but enter and walk in the water till they were further upstream.

They had managed to make a bend in the river before those in pursuit found where we entered in. They crossed the stream and when they did not find where we came out. The riders made their way downstream on both sides of the river. They were sure no dumb slave would have taken to running up the river.

Well, Poly did and continued to do so until we approached narrow rapids in the river. Then they crossed over but went for away in the river before they came out onto the bank. The accent of the people had changed, but we were not sure what that meant. That night riders with torches showed once again on the roads, but others were angry to see them. Seemingly we were in a free state but not yet a safe place.

It was not yet a good time and would prove more trouble than normal for arriving. Sadie and Poly were both in the midst of the flow of their periods. The morning had broken an hour before as they continued to make their way north. Some people had seen them scurry across a road but paid no mind.

Except for one time when one man shot in the air. He was a low life looking for easy money. Poly and Sadie were back on the run and had gone through more than one field. They could hear dogs and horses coming. When they came to an opening at a farmstead and the man Poly ran into was broad and strong, his head and beard glow a dark red. Was he a devil or angel, she was not sure as she fell back.

He smiled and told them to get into the house as he said other strangers are coming in. He was not yelling at us, but the trackers. Once into the house, a man asked my name. He threw me some pants and a shirt when I said “Poly”.

He went outside and told Red my name. I quickly changed as the man came to get me. “Poly, please trust us,” he said. Red called me to him as the men rode up; he snuggled me as the love of his life.

The lead tracker told another to grab me, but Red yelled and stood his ground in front of me. “Now, my name is Kelly and ye will not grab my bride!” Guns were drawn on both sides.

The lead tracker yelled, “We have the numbers and the experience to use our guns, the girl is a slave and the law says she’s ours to take back.” Red spoke up, “Well I guess you cannot count how many brothers and cousins are in the fields. But I reckon if one of you gets off your horse or makes the wrong move we will find out.”

“You are bluffing,” was the reply.

“Throw down your guns and back away.” Red walked up to one rider and pulled him down. “You look as tough as any man in your group, would ye agree.” When the man agreed, Red told him to defend himself, but it was more a beating than a fight. Red not only beat him to the ground, but he pounded him until a rib broke.” The men rode away swearing they would be back.

Red called Poly and Sadie and quickly suggested the idea of marrying him as the pastor had been gone for seven months. Red shared with Poly, while he really did love her he did not have time for a long courtship. If we are married no one would ever take you from me.”

She asked, “Could you help us to travel north if not?”

He said, “Yes, but I would not be around to protect you.”

Polly asked, “If I married you would you protect Sadie or help her get away?”

“I could, but I have two brothers, one of them would be safer.” There was a wedding late that day to Douglas (Red) and Sean, they were recorded as happening four and five months earlier. Early the next day the slave trackers were back with an area marshal. The marshal tried to serve papers and take Poly but Douglas shared “My wife is going nowhere, if there is a decision to be made, it will be here.”

The Marshall said, “But I have a paper that says she is a slave and must go back.”

Douglas said, “I need to know when she ran away?” Quietly telling the Marshal, “She has been my wife for four months. When did this slave run away or the other woman?”

The marshal answered that she had run away almost three months ago and they both need to go back to their owners.”

Sean answered, “Marshal with all due respect, one has been my wife for five months and one has been Douglas’ wife for four months and I am not allowing a judge in some southern state determine whose she is. You better go back to Fort Pittsburg for a judge. We will not allow our wives to be taken; one may already be with child.”

The marshal agreed to go and come back. The trackers said they did not intend to wait more than a week. Douglas and Sean knew they would be back yet that day after the marshal left.

The Kelleys were a clan; Poly and Sadie were now a part of it. Pastor Paul and Douglas had talked of such a time and their agreement to be united with God’s blessing. They had sent Douglas’ sister, Donella for the wandering pastor to record the names and dates of their marriage in his record book. And ask him to come in due time. The Kelleys were gathered at two of the homesteads when the slave trackers came back and while there were six Kelley men, the trackers had brought an extra eight guns with them bringing their total to sixteen. The lead tracker, Jeremiah introduced himself, and as a faith fearing man he swore he was not going back without the _____ slaves.

Douglas called Poly to him and shared she was to go nowhere but the house. “Ye be good to be ye fearin’ because you will be shot dead before ye get your gun raised.” He did reach for his gun and was shot from his horse. Three other trackers went for their guns and Douglas shot one and wounded another of the trackers in the leg. Six of the eight trackers were dead or wounded, and the others who came with them had dropped their guns or runoff.

Douglas and Sean pulled the other two down, roughed them up took their guns, and had them load the hurt and the dead on three of the horses. “Take your guys and don’t bury them until you’re where you are welcome...

Brewster, ye and your friends were smart enough not to draw your guns; the next time ye be wise to be on our side or be bleedin’ terminal like. We will keep your guns and horses safe in case ye think of doing something stupid and someone else gets killed. Are we in agreement?” The trackers weren’t able to leave until they agreed with the keeping of the guns and horses.

Douglas was smart enough to know he did not want any horse-stealing charges brought against him. After the trackers left, he convinced Brewster and friends to sign papers about the events of the day. Within three years David the youngest of the Kelley brothers has married an educated black woman from Pittsburg.

Douglas, Poly, and friends, before the civil war, had gone deep into the south and arranged the freedom of ten slaves, mostly elderly or young children, usually helping one or more to escape to freedom when they came back north.

It was late Friday afternoon when Aunt Polly finished the story into the seventh generation. Dougal like three before him was named for Douglas, but no one was given the formal spelling of the name. Such was the case with Aunt Polly and others named for the matriarch of the family. The marshal did return with a judge, but by that time Pastor Paul Kraal had been back and documented the wedding as well as Brewster’s written testimony settled the matter to the judge’s satisfaction.

Aunt Polly was Dougal’s aunt, a matriarch in the family, and one of the keepers of the story. She was now visiting with Marcy and me, both of us liked history, stories, and our team’s connection to Dougal.

Aunt Polly found it interesting that the Caucasian of the two was the one invited to become a member of the Kelley family. Though Marcy was likely willing, I was the one being suggested and at least two people in the family had to make the request. Over all the years I was the seventh to be so recommended.

I was now wondering who besides Dougal would find interest in recommending me. Polly shared that among others, she, Dougal’s daughter Susan and Abigail Scott were those who recommended me. Abby, Abigail Scott was an engineering student who had just graduated from Amber. We had once been study partners. We were good friends and I well respected her abilities. She had not yet arrived at the gathering. Some of the Scottish games were being set up.

It was suggested that I might like to familiarize myself with the course for the Poly/Sadie Run which covered a three-mile course. It included a varied terrain, obstacles plus people and dogs to be avoided. Younger members of the family were taken on the course to help them appreciate better the journey to freedom of their ancestors. Many from the family would travel the path like a walk in history.

They had built a hall on the campgrounds that biannually acted as a memory exhibit. Dougal was cited several times as were many men, women, and even a few youths currently living. High standards of character, academics, and citizenship were expected and none gave in itself for recognition.

While family members limited in ability were recognized for lesser accomplishments. It would take a Special Olympics member, ten state or national citations to make a wall of honor. The more we journeyed around the campground, visited, and heard stories, the more Marcy and I understood the honor of being welcomed into the family. What I did not know, though Marcy did, I was also under consideration for the hall of memories. From asking Uncle Dougal not to be involved in apprehending my assailants to the environmental and impact on jobs and opportunities as they related to Bethlehem Steel and aiding children were being offered as reasons for my recognition.

Some thought it unusual that a white woman would find it an honor to be a member of such a diverse family. While I first wondered why Dougal seemed to avoid me. I came to recognize he wanted me to know the family and them me without him. We were up Saturday for breakfast and a time of meditation and remembrance.

The family was diverse in its understanding and practice of faith, but the importance and binding force of faith were held by most. I had wished Pastor Ramona could have experienced this moment. The women sharing in the run began. There were just over 20 of us running the full race and we would have staggered starting times. I made it to one point near the presence of hounds and I varied my route there. Another woman ahead of me saw my success and suggested I go back and lead others through it.

My spirit of competition wanted to run it as a race, but there was a higher call to learn, the Kelley lesson. It was not until all the runners came through was it wise or considerate for me to continue.

Poly was both helpful and blessed by sharing her journey with Sadie. I had a quarter mile detour from the path I first knew and I benefited by someone who helped me. When she completed her run she continued with me on my second trip around. I was tired and emotionally exhausted when I finished the course just after 11:30. But Polly and Dougal reminded me I was not running for my life.

What they did not know was the threat of the dogs and trackers had sparked flashbacks of my abduction and rape. That I cried and shared with Marcy, she brought in Susan and Abigail to comfort me. Two of my black sisters shared histories of rape and abuse as well.

It was fun to watch many of the Scottish/Black games as well as take time in food preparation. Wanting a recipe, was to volunteer in making it or something else. Most of all I was envious of those who wore the Kelley plaid of black, gold, orange, tan, yellow, brown, green, red and white. No one would share about how to purchase items until I was closer to leaving. There was a Kelley store. I knew they had and were selling the clothing.

Dougal did sit me down and explained the thread and clothing pieces. More than one showed with pride the quality and design woven into the various pieces. Sunday morning came and the time of faith and reflection was attended by all. It was interesting blend Black, Scottish and contemporary influences. There was a presentation of the colors for which seven of us were called forward, five by marriage had come into the family over the past two years. One was just now accepting his place into the family and then there was me. I suspect each person joining found their part to be special. Marcy was given a purse along with me and they greatly appreciated she had come. I was also given a sash and Scottish cap. I felt honored yet disappointed as I was sitting back down. Others in the family were given complete outfits. I understood and accepted that I was the new one entering into the family.

Aunt Polly called me back up and asked why part of me was sad, but I was reluctant to say. “Come, daughter, you need to be both strong and honest.” I broke down in tears as confessed being selfish, wanting a full outfit. “It would hurt us as well as you if you were not fully received, but disappointment and yearning are also part of our experience.”

She, Susan and Dougal’s wife Dara brought the remainder of my Kelley clothes. I received a satin blouse along with a regular blouse, a long skirt as well as the traditional kilt. Dara took me to put on my Kelley colors. I went sobbing like a little girl overwhelmed with joy and humility. I felt good. We were blessed with a fourth day because it was their 130th. They took a lot of time just to be family. I walked the hall of reflections and memories and found myself taking three hours. Dougal spent much of the day with me, introducing me to his immediate family and close relatives.

Marcy and I collected our things and said emotion filled good-byes.

I had six days before beginning my advanced engineering course Dr. Donnell. I had work projects, my wedding preparations and time with friends, family, and James to pack within that time. I also met Cal again and saw more of Callie as she called herself. She spoke of another student Sally, Sal.

James and I spent two of my days together at Washington Square, at the St. James Church and the surrounding community. Even now more people, though not yet many, were becoming believers and invested in the transformation of the twenty-five block area.

James asked for and received the support of a dozen vets to live within the community. A gang had tried to rape a teenage girl while we were there and the vets served notice; it was no longer life like usual. While three gangs claimed parts of the area there were two dominant gangs over most of it. One was responsible for the attack on the girl and beating her friend. The Vets caught them within 3 blocks and used them to call the two gangs together. It took a little force and the damaging of a vehicle of each to get their attention.

The gangs were surprised that we were requesting their help for our wedding and to make the Square a safe place. The end of our second day there was a basic agreement which would be tested and take time to establish. We managed to do some cleaning, measuring and ordering of supplies for St James. The lumberyard began to see our commitment with our order and a spark of spirit in the community.

The motel had redone three of its rooms; we had stayed in one of them. I am told there were many more workers the following weekends. Twenty of the three dozen rooms were to be done by the end of the summer.

The pastor had called Ramona and scheduled to meet with her. We received a call from the other church, angered over our ‘petty’ grievance as they were now willing to talk. We could lose our $500 deposit but our decision had been made and was final. Neither the pastor nor the St. James Church backed down from the pressure the first brought upon them. My home church, as well as influence from Philadelphia and Boston and within the city, brought needed support to pacify the situation in New York City.

The attention Washington Square was getting from the support of Vets gained favorable media attention. The area synagogue and churches from three different denominations were also gaining support for renewal in their congregations.

James, Cassie, and Monica Morgan became strong compassionate forces as I worked through my rape and nightmares.

I would spend a number of nights up with Cassie and Anne. The Red Tent was also a sanctuary of sorts. I remembered one critical night struggling and found myself in Cassie’s arms seeking to nurse through her pajamas. When I woke, I was embarrassed. Cassie took pulled me back to her. I fell asleep in her arms. It would be my last great night of such anguish.

Class on Monday was like the drawing of lines, Dr. Strassman was emphatic that the best would work hard to get a B and others would struggle to pass. He served notice that those passed with a C would be wise to take it over with another professor. The class has eighteen students and come the end of that first class seven of us gathered about being a study group.

Two are male students; one of them being from Temple. Three of us are AU students. Another is a woman from Rutgers hoping to find a haven with another woman in engineering. Wednesday we knew we could not take the ego of the Temple student, and decided not to have one lone man in our group.

I struggled through for two weeks when a weekend session with James, hitting the books and my study team finally bore fruit. Concepts began to come together. Come to the end of Sunday, I was able to incorporate the understanding into my own terms and expressions.

Come Thursday we began a four-day break for July 4th, with things falling into place. I needed a break yet read enough not to lose what I’ve gained. I took parts of two days for AJEI work, a day off with James and the last to get my head back into studying.

The night of the fourth day, I hope to be with my other friends. Cassie’s getting ready to go out and I’m invited but we both know we need time apart.

When she came back, Cassie said, “I have a lot of pent-up emotions of Brian and now you; you’re not going to get off so easy girlfriend. I don’t know if you ever thought of me as I have you. Have you?”
“You know I have Cassie.”

“No, I don’t, Brian was not one to talk. I knew you were aroused, but I don’t mean just wanting sex.”

Brian’s there but I’m very much Jenny in the present. “That’s why I couldn’t speak, I was afraid you’d think I was being cheap or dumb. Neither of us…”

Cassie has tears in her eyes and her voice is more like the younger Cassie I knew. “You should have told me, you were older and you should have known… The past two years we’ve been playing basketball and I didn’t want to be another girl nor just to play basketball with you. You’d get close to treating me like I wanted and then you’d back off. I’m tired of distractions and being interrupted not tonight. Do you hear me, not tonight?”

Somewhere during orgasm, I became molding clay, moving to her touch as I float down between her legs and enjoy her lips there. She’s hot and moist. I’m guided to find her clitoris as her juices have a sweet presence as she moves to another orgasm. My face is pressed in as her body shakes with enjoyment.

When I woke the next morning I found myself still there. She told me, “We had done more Jenny, but it just happened you was back there when you fell asleep. Your hand and arm were wrapped around my leg. It was nice for both of us.” Cassie reads my face and knows I’m beginning to feel guilty. “Jenny, you need to deal with your feelings, but I’m not here to come between you and James. I love you more as your best girlfriend, even that I share with Anne. I’m not interested in a deeper relationship. You and I have had pent up feelings, for me they had to get a release. I make no apologies, you needed and deserved this.” She was right we both wanted and needed it.

I gave her a hug, “Thank you, I love you and I’ll treasure this time together…

Story to be continued…

Comments and kudos regarding this chapter as especially welcomed...

Back to our engineering class after July 4, Dr. Strassman introduces us to an assignment of which he knew the solution but which two of his better classes had been unable to solve. It was near the end of the third week our study group suggests we tackle the project by learning the stresses, structures, and construction problems we’re dealing with.

The group decided if we could work with the fixed parameters with which to analyze and to solve the assignment by working backward from the hypothetical end model. Like a jigsaw puzzle pieces start to fall in place. I learned from the Ottomann’s office building to exceed the stress and load-bearing amounts. Carmine and I found some problems in Strassman’s assignment that most probably overlooked. It complicated things if people proceeded from that point.

Strassman was a good instructor, the lessons he taught were leading us to solve various problems once our resentment and fear of him didn’t interfere.

It was that week I had lunch with Calvin Barrett who I met before the Duke game. Like me he’s a transgender woman and though he had known it longer he’s still not using help. Friday again we meet for lunch but this time it is with Callie/Calvin. She goes with me after lunch to meet with Dr. Heath and Anne. I need to get back to my engineering class. Though Anne had stopped being a helper as part of the program. She was there as someone Callie knew and trusted.

Like me Callie might never be a beauty, she’s attractive enough and will do well with a better sense of makeup, and fashion for her. Presently she tries to live out other stereotypical images.

We solve Strassman’s project by the end of the next week. We use the next three days, apart from other classwork to check, test, and reject our findings if they’re wrong. During one check Carmine and I find a stress equation from our studies with Dr. Strassman that is essential in proving the working of the project. We determined, it also required the strengthening of the model to withstand the stress of wear and tear such a building would undergo over its lifetime. We’re guessing that working through the equation is something others might have worked through but wondered if they had worked through the need to strengthen the overall structure for safety and time.

Dr. Strassman received our work with his usual skepticism. The second day he mellowed out and the day after requested a meeting to include us and Dr. Campbell. Our worries were that he might have been found something wrong or worse. What would cause him to take things to the University President? Were we coming under a charge of academic irregularities, such as cheating, collusion with others, and were not quickly dispelled?

The truth was, he’s impressed with our work and wanted to apologize and compliment us in the President’s presence. He stated, “In over 20 years, I’ve had eight, no maybe eleven ‘A’ students and more B students. I’ve had many more ‘C’ students outnumbering those two combined. Other professors and programs had come to depend on me to weed out students from their engineering programs.

Jennifer and Marie, you are carrying solid A’s at this point. But I’m expecting Carmine or another in the study group will do well enough in the remainder of the class and my comprehensive exams that I may have a good possibility of four or five students in this class getting A’s.” He joked, “That could be bad for my reputation.’

Dr. Daniel Strassman turned to President Campbell as said, “I want to be asked back to instruct with Amber U students in the future. I also offer my help in getting the College of Engineering program at Amber University under the strongest possible certification and accreditation possible. I think I can help break through the obstacles of the old boy network.”

President Campbell is overjoyed with all the circumstances. All of us students are relieved and happy.

The group is excused, but I’m requested to remain behind to visit with Dr. Campbell.

Once we’re alone she shares, “There is the possibility of a $40 million massive building plan that could come down the pike for the university.” While I’m very impressed, I have my grounds for not getting too excited with my wedding, the work at Washington Square as well as be a concern with finishing the engineering class and keeping my ‘A’. That does not include that I want to be a 22-year-old woman enjoying her summer. I have also left Anne and Sarah holding almost all the responsibilities at AJEI.

Dr Campbell gives me the basic information: requests from the different colleges of the University, the parameters of buildings and possible building sights and the University’s Long-term Plan. It includes the University’s Board of Directors' expectations of maintaining their say and power over all decisions. It includes the Board’s priorities.

Dr. Campbell then strongly suggests that I could work on this project as a major part of my academic studies, applied work for my Doctorate. The idea makes sense for my degree work but I suggest AJEI will need to cover some costs and receive some income. I’ll need AJEI and it’s a business. We would be hiring other Amber students to work with me.

It is fun getting back to Washington Square and to see the transformations that are underway. The area has been expanded; a neutral zone that vets have drawn up with the community’s input is being established for safety from gangs and others. They say it is usually being observed. The Martin’s Lumber and Hardware is one of a number of businesses showing improvements and doing better and even expanding. The Washington Square Motel has cleaned up with 22 rooms to be ready. A Re-Investment Program might help them double their size in the coming year.

Needless to say there are some who are pains in the butt and resisting improvements because it causes change and not just the wishes of silver-haired members. The uptown church where we first planned to have the wedding still has its nose bent out of joint and is upset with the James Presbyterian Church but the powers to be are allowing that be their problem. The other churches in that judicatory would not allow them to block St. James’ as its part of the community development.

Marge and Richard Hamilton had sent workers to help at the church as well as another church and the community. My brothers have helped on three weekends with electrical work. They are even using union workers in the community. My dad has softened but is still balking about whether he’s coming to the wedding. I have asked Henry Ottomann to escort me as my grandfather. He was unwilling to stand in as my father. He hopes my father will be there.

It is kind of my hope too though I have many mixed emotions. I stand at the front of the church, looking around. I had been at weddings, but as Brian, they weren’t very special. Now I’m picturing me in my gown, my girlfriends upfront watching me coming down the aisle. Yes, I’d like my Dad escorting me, but I can picture Henri doing it more easily.

When I walked into the Saint James Church and I was awe-struck by the beauty of the stained-glass windows. The cleaning is only preliminary as there are cracks and pieces that need to be replaced; along with a more thorough cleaning that would require the lard windows to be taken out. The woodwork and floors are in the midst of being cleaned and waxed. The church wasn’t done by a long shot, but the difference will be better than we had hoped.

Brian especially treasures how far I’ve come as I picture myself walking down the aisle. I can see the women noticing my gown and me in ways men don’t see. I make a note to be sure I visit with women after the wedding. I’m going to enjoy time with my Maid of Honors and bridesmaids. Kayla has a pretty dress and a small bouquet but she would also be carrying my ring for James. James has a nephew to carry his ring for me. The flower girls are both five and should be quite adorable.

I had two weeks of course work and the exam and the summer session would be done. I have already secured a good grade, I felt compelled to continue and be a rare student to come away from this Strassman course with an A. Three of the other four were able to finish the course with an A.

James and I went to the ocean for a short time to be with his family on vacation. It gave me the desired time to tan evenly. My sisters-in-law were delighted in seeing me sunbathing in a two-piece swimsuit, and to undo by strap so I could tan evenly. I enjoyed walks on the beach with James knowing I caught his eyes and a few other guys. Once Marge fixed my hair in my braided style for basketball, and I was amazed by the recognition it brought me.

There was a girl at the shore there that I knew of but we had not yet met. Kate in basketball terms was a blue-chip recruit except she had graduated from high school and did not think she wanted to play basketball or go to college. Coach O’Mara had asked if I met her to see what the issues were and to tell her of Amber.

I had been invited to sign autographs and show my basketball skill at a court next to this Ma and Pa store who sponsored the time. They had a news clip that showed I had won the MVP award at the championship tournament. Others knowing Kate starred as a high school student nearby; knew she was there and felt she was already much better than anybody. I acknowledged I heard she was quite spectacular and did not appreciate our being measured against one another. Kate readily agreed with the crowd that she was the greater player, but said she didn’t feel like basketball was much of a challenge anymore.

I suggested she would be challenged to be better if she played at the major college level. She was offended that I thought she could improve. She extended a challenge to show how much better she was. We played the first minutes evenly which frustrated Kate a bit, but it was a long shot by me and a steal with a score that upset her most. Kate recouped herself and challenged again but lost that set by two baskets. She had a 17-15 advantage in the second game when I mounted a comeback and won 21-19.

I asked Kate to walk with me and I found a neat young woman who hadn’t been challenged much in basketball, her studies, and she lacked direction. But I was caught off guard when she kissed me and took me to her home. She led me into her home and her mother met us as she was leaving. I pleaded to her mom to rescue me from her daughter. She shared how her daughter had stripped her mom’s younger sister once and had her pose nude for a painting when Kate was just thirteen.

Kate’s hand was now under my skirt, touching my vagina. Her mom suggested all I needed to do was to take it out and walk away. Kate patted me on the butt as her mom left and I was taken upstairs. Kate put on some music and asked me to undress for her. I paused as my eyes teared and she undid two buttons, then I took over. I was down to my panties when I began to undress Kate. She had me suckle one of her nipples and then pushed me down between her legs. I asked to stop. She said, “If you do not find me hot you can, but I don’t think you can do that.”

She straddled my head and I felt her slip off my head and knew I was marked with her scent. She pulled me up and kissed me passionately. We were in her bed as she once again pushed me between her legs. I had not tasted someone as sweet as she was and found myself excited to please her. She too was losing it but she wasn’t losing any pleasure. She quickly went into an orgasm and I would not let up. Before I would pause she was in her third orgasm and it was deep and long. She told me while she had enjoyed sex before but realized she had not experienced an orgasm.

I had mixed feelings before I left that Kate agreed to attend Coach’s first basketball camp. My saving grace was she planned to sit out her first year from playing basketball.

I was riddled with guilt and bewildered when I went back to the Hamilton’s home. Marge was pretty sure something had happened and we visited at length and she spoke forthrightly. James and I talked alone. He was not pleased but said it was not fully unexpected. Monica Miller had shared, what might happen with me some time that I might find comfort with another woman. One she hadn’t even had a relationship with. Also that a transgendered woman could still find an attraction to other women.

James reiterated we could deal with this indiscretion, but neither another man nor any ongoing relationship. I cried a long time in his arms about his forgiveness and love for me. I was surprised as he wasn’t willing to call the wedding off as long as I loved him. He and I both knew I did.

I finished out the engineering course with an ‘A’ and a letter of recommendation from Dr. Strassman.

I returned to Washington Square to help in projects and to put the finishing touches on our wedding there.

I stopped at Carol’s one more time. She took me upstairs and with another worker helped me to put on my wedding gown. It now fits perfectly, I felt like I was wrapped in silk. Carol would not allow any photo to be taken; sharing that at the wedding would be the first time the gown was to be seen publicly. We had planned for many photos to be taken before the wedding, but, Carol insisted along with the dress designer, it be as she stated.

The photographer was more than reluctant to make the change but finally did agree. We would have photos with the family of origin and our part of the wedding party and hour and a half before the wedding. James was worried about the change in photos taken but he also agreed.

James told me our home was on schedule and would be ready for us when we got back from our honeymoon. He said, he knew where Pastor Ramona was going with her new call to another church. She had already told James. She was telling me she hoped she would continue to be my pastor. She was being called to a Presbyterian Church near our new home but gave no more information. I tried but was unsuccessful to find out where about the church or my home.

People were awestruck as they came first for the wedding rehearsal and the next day for the wedding. The crowd that welcomed us was a mixture of community people, gang members, and Vets. They had prepared a community barbecue for our rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal did not end until 7:30, everyone was comfortable in staying in this area of the city.

St. James Presbyterian had much more work to complete but it was already a beautiful church once more. I stayed that night at the Washington Square Motel. They had refurbished three rooms into a suite. The Hamiltons were the first to use it, which was news in itself. I had a two-room accommodation shared with Anne and Cassie.

Come our wedding day the block in front of the church was roped off to act as a parking lot. Some fifty of our guests came from the surrounding community. I had chosen a salon with the help of Patricia Martin and had kept it as a surprise from the press. Carol had gotten my gown there. I showered at the motel and was driven to the salon in a very clean taxi. I watched as Kayla sat and was transformed as a young girl at an awkward stage to a very beautiful young woman. She easily looked like she could be 13 or 14 instead of ten.

My hair was now down, being shampooed, conditioned, rolled, and set. Gone was any trace of the young man. Now my breasts, face whole body had the glow of a young bride. My time under the dryer was part of a fairytale come true. I shed the clothes I was wearing, and went to the bathroom one more time before I stepped out and into my gown. The gown was like magic, bringing out every curve and lifting my breasts to shimmer with delight.

Marcy helped to do my make-up and she chose to go light. She correctly chose to let my looks stand for themselves. Anne was my first Maid of Honor a hard choice over Cassie but Cassie was pleased to be there as was Marcy and James’ sister Sarah. Other women in my life like Ruth, Staci, and Olivia helped in various ways at the wedding and reception. Ruth helped as my personal caregiver. Olivia was in charge of my guest book at the church and bringing it to the reception. Staci enjoyed keeping after the Groom’s party to be at the right place at the right time and make sure James did not lose my ring.

It was now time for our initial pictures. I felt bad that Dad was not there, but did have a large picture of my mom, a photo of us from February. I loved Naomi and she had become my second mother. Henry Ottomann, Naomi, and Ruth were gracious and happy to be there for me.

The wedding was to begin and the church was beautiful, full, to overflowing. Of the 850 who were expected some 1,150 showed up to the service. I watched as each bridesmaid was met halfway down by a groomsman. Sarah when she met her groomsman was lifted in her arms and whirled around once. I guess it was a joke between James and her. Finally it was Ann, the ring bearer and Kayla going down the aisle.

I looked to Henry to begin the walk down the aisle and I did not see the person step into the aisle. We had taken 10 steps before I realized the person was not the photographer but my Father. My eyes teared as Henry walked me up to him. Henry tried to kiss me through my vail before I could lift it and then handed me to my dad.

I stepped up to my Dad. With tears in his eyes and voice cracking, he said he was sorry and that he loved me very much. It took both of us a moment to collect our composure before we continued down the aisle. James received me and I was with my Prince. I had looked and dream of this time for so long.

Pastor Patrick did much of the service but Ramona gave a meditation, recited the vows to us, and pronounced us to be husband and wife. While many remarked about the beauty of my engagement ring, it was and is the wedding band I treasure. The photos, ride around Washington Square in a horse-drawn carriage and the reception was beautiful but it became hazy in thought and memory.

I did take the time to sit with Kayla next to the picture of my Mom. I loved my first dance with James and us eating at the head table. James was good at meeting many of the people and the formalities of society. I enjoyed my time with Patricia who designed and made my wedding gown. I was the ultimate girl enjoying the silk and lace. When It was time for James to retrieve my garter from my leg, I danced with my bridal party around James serving notice that I was a hottie. When James raised my gown, I pulled the garter higher than he dared to show. But alas his hand found their way.

It was a young Marine friend of James who caught the garter and Staci who caught my flowers.

It was close to 1:30 a.m. when I stepped out of my gown and James lifted me into his arms. James was nice and took his time and I too was seeking to please him. I enjoyed a short time being alone with him down to my corset. James became frustrated with untying all the laces. He tried tearing but finally was able to loosen two knots and finally release me from it.

James entering into my body that gave me such joy. I remembered for a moment that I had been raped, but it was James that I wrapped my legs around and felt him grow in excitement. It was like a script to a hot romance novel as I had my orgasm just after his. We made love till it was finally time to get ready to get dressed and leave for the airport.

We caught a taxi to the airport early in the morning and were on a private flight to San Francisco and then to onto Hawaii. Once we were fully in the air, I drifted to sleep snug in James’ arm.

We were paged in the San Francisco airport. A Captain Peg Saunders wished to talk to us about a tanker used for environmental work that was up on the auction block and threatened to be scrapped. She quickly made a convincing plea. The ship was valued at some 20 million dollars but was expected to bring less than $2 million from buyers. Some including oil companies wanted it off of the seas. It brought unwanted attention to ocean oil pollution.

It had fourteen huge compartments for cleansing water and returning it to the ocean or making it fit for other uses. While it could use being overhauled it was still very seaworthy and a very important ship for environmental concerns. We did not want to be distracted from our honeymoon, but I and AJEI had more than $3 million to invest and diversify from the Bethlehem Steel project. It could have been a simple investment, but I chose to bring Captain Saunders and half the crew into the investment.

I called Sarah and gave it over to her with Marcy’s help. It was in Marcy’s area of interest and we had long wanted to make use of her and her love for the environment. A quick check found a similar tanker in the Atlantic. It too was seeking to avoid a takeover. I asked Captain Saunders if she knew another woman capable and seaworthy to be another Captain. While the crews would be dominantly male, each would seek to carry no fewer than four women on as crew. A million-dollar offer secured eighty percent ownership in the Atlantic Legend and Peg was given the credentials to purchase the Pacific Legend.

James and I were back on our honeymoon and now in Hawaii. We spent three days alone or on the beaches madly in love with one another. The fourth morning we were out to a dock with vessels set for whale and dolphin sightseeing. Jim had talked me into boarding one for a future trip. But it quietly set sail as we were down below. Jane, the first mate, had caught my interest with stories and I was signing on for a tour and laying down the deposit when I caught what I thought was a dating error. The ship had a crew of five including the cook. They had loaded our belongings onboard without my knowing. Early afternoon we were talked into sunbathing in the nude as James had fun rubbing me down with tanning and skin lotions.

Seemingly the crew was use to nude women; though Jane and Captain Bill shared she did not usually sport the body of a younger woman and athlete. My evening was filled with getting to know James and tales from the Captain and Jane. We got to swim late in the afternoon and during the morning before breakfast. It was mid-day on the fifth day when word came of a school of whales. We suited up and by the time we were ready to go in the water, whales were near to the ship. The Captain and Jane shared, it was seemingly the whales who found us more than the other way.

James and I were both going in with Jane as she was the supreme diver. We were in the water and one whale separated Jane and me away from the ship. Jane shared our treat was unusual but encouraged me to enjoy it and not be scared. Several whales traveled past us but it was Maluah with her baby that took a special interest in us. When I asked about Maluah, Jane asked me how I knew her name. I shared I just called the one Maluah and Calah was her baby. She suggested I dive under to see the calf the next time they came.

Jane had stayed with me for a couple of minutes and then asked if I would be okay alone. She had given me a small ten-minute tank and I dove when Maluah returned. Maluah was now still in the water and had rolled a little to the side when I dove to be with the calf. Maluah spewed out a white substance that the calf enjoyed and that clung to me. I surface and the whales swam away.

I was covered with a light layer of what Jane called milk. Jane scraped some off and gave it to me to eat. She pestered me to eat as much as I could and shared it would help me to conceive children. That night I had a dream or vision and it came to me that Maluah was a goddess of the sea and that I was being blessed by God. The wisdom was, I was blessed being with Maluah that it meant long life, wisdom, and healing powers. I was intrigued by the dream though I knew it had to be just that a dream. I totally discounted the dream until the next day when I was back in the water and Maluah came again. She spoke and I heard the sound of a whale but I often understood what she was saying. She and her calf were blessed by God whom she had served more than 200 years.

That was older than the life expectancy of a whale, though a whale with Maluah’s markings went back more than a hundred years. She was known more as a legend than as a real whale. Jane shared she had seen her at least three times before but would never confirm seeing her. Suggesting it would be to our benefit not to identify her sighting. They had swum off but were back come mid-afternoon. James swam with me again but they would not come close until he was back on the ship.

Somehow I knew to hold onto Maluah and she swam off. I was with Calah when sharks arrived. Maluah circled once and dove out of sight. The sharks would swim at us and swim off; I was sure it would not last long so I took my knife out of its ankle strap. The last shark had scraped my leg. With the next one I held out my knife as it came in close. I could feel it cut into the shark as it swam by. Instinct told me to hold on tight to Calah as just behind us Maluah surfaced and broke the water with a shark in her mouth.

I knew it was unlike a whale to do so, but much in the spirit of a mom protecting her calf. With that other whales and dolphins appeared and the sharks dispersed and the ship which had followed the whales took me aboard. My leg had a gash that Jane quickly wrapped in bandages and Maluah’s milk. The pain was sufficient enough that I was sure my life had changed and I had placed my basketball career in jeopardy.

The Captain had set a course for Hawaii and put the ship at the fastest speed safely possible. He shared I was neither in danger of losing my life nor my leg but he wanted to take all precautions and actions to get me medical attention. Early the next morning a Coast Guard ship with a Medic intercepted our ship. The medic unwrapped my leg to find the long gash significantly healed beyond explanation. Wrapped again and by evening a scar matched the picture Jane had taken a little more than twenty-four hours before but nothing short of a healing explained what had happened. There was only the tenderness of a wound healing and some pain in stretching and moving the leg and muscles.

The Medic asked if I was Jessie Connors of Amber fame and if I had received my call from Coach Anne. I knew Anne was now an assistant coach but out of season she would never call me using her title. With the help of the medic I contacted Anne to find out that the Temple Coach had tragically died in an accident and Coach O’Mara had been offered and accepted that position. Anne was offered to be the Interim Coach at Amber's job but wanted to talk to me.

Anne was afraid to take the position but even more afraid not too. I agreed she and Amber were in a bind. I asked her about the possibility of her mother coming onto her staff. We talked about securing a staff if she could in a prelude to officially accepting the position. I knew if Anne did not take the position, she would be gone as a coach and our relationship, AJEI would likely be strained.

We talked about two possibilities for a coach for forwards and centers. One assistant was going with Coach O’Mara and the other wanted the position instead of Anne. Anne liked an assistant at Rutgers, but I suggested their grad-assistant instead. Anne had in fact offered the position to the assistant as an associate coach but was turned down. She ended up with Sheryl out of Central Michigan for an associate coach and Jeri the grad assistant Rutgers as an assistant for the forwards and centers.

I had a bigger concern of my own for AJEI, but I put that on hold to resume my honeymoon.

James and I enjoyed another week for our honeymoon. Being able to do things as part of the Hamilton and having money was joyful yet hard at times to take in. We saw and enjoyed things I never would have otherwise.

It was good to return to Philadelphia and as we turned to drive up to our home, there was a large old barn on one side and a beautiful old home on the other. The barn had been refurbished to include an eight stall stable. Maria came out of the house and Roger our hired hand came from the barn. The house was beautiful but would need work to updated it if we were to have family.

I was handed a newspaper with the sports headlines. It read that Anne was now in fact head coach of the Ambassadors. Kate Martin from Boston, rumored to be leaving, was now planning to play her first year at Amber. Kate had called me and had asked if I thought she could be a starter her first year. I told her she should focus on being a team player and that starting would be a challenge. It was more important she became a team player.

While I had healed from the shark bite, tissue from various muscles and ligaments needed to be freed from lesions connecting another and that would take work and have discomfort. Marsha came and visited with me, she had gone off the record and was concerned about me as a person, a player second and Coach Anne’s close friend. Marsha shared that Cassie, Marcy, and Stacy made Amber as a team a serious contender for the top 25, but even if Kate and Olivia had good seasons the Ambassadors needed more. She said they would take a veteran like me to give them stability and the ability to break the top ten and stay there.

I thanked Marsha for the compliment but I shared Jeanette and Jasmine were more than capable to start in my place. She stated Jean had the ability to contribute but would have to improve to knock me out of the starting rotation. I saw myself no better than the 6, 7 or even the 8th player in. She stated that if I was in condition and recovered from my injury that Anne saw me as a starter and depending on our opponent it could be as a forward or a guard. Olivia would be challenged by Kate for her spot at guard and Sharon, Deb and/or Jaci could be vying for playing time.

Presently my plan was to focus on my graduate work, community projects, and our emerging company, Sage Ideas. I especially wanted time to grow and enjoy being me. I loved having James to cuddle up to. It was the second week of September and basketball practice would not start for four weeks. Other than studies and some work I was taking time to heal and enjoy.

I went with James to select a couple of horses and found a four-year-old. Last winter we had looked at houses and some with 15-20 acres surrounding it. This one would have been very expensive if a highway bypass had not cut onto the property just over the hill. It was five miles east of a town and twelve miles east of my former college. So I thought it had been ruled out as being unrealistic and too far from our work.

It had not been a working farm year. James had located an old barn in good condition that was to be torn down. He purchased it, had it dismantled and rebuilt across from the house. My horse was black with two white stockings and a four-pointed star between her eyes. I name her April and her head bobbed when I called her by name. She was almost three hands shorter than James brown stallion with beautiful white markings.

The surprise was a two-year-old Morgan horse, she had shin splints and was scheduled to be put down. I felt her leg and warmth was running through my hands. She was walking well but the owner explained it was deceiving. I asked to buy her for $1,500. The owner said if she was well it would be a steal, but if she was injured it would prove very costly. Rog came and checked her and stated he thought he could keep her healthy.

I had a meeting with President Campbell and she shared the major gifts that awaited the University were to come in the near future. There was a dispute about what they could achieve with the $40 million gift. She ran down the list of possible projects ranging from a performing arts center, a media and broadcasting center, a medical arts building and renovation for the nursing program. The College of Fashion and Trade as well as Science and Research all were pushing their needs. While projects were promoted most would need expanded program and maintenance sources as well. Rough estimates projected the projects alone to be in the neighborhood of $500 million dollars.

I asked for five weeks to lay out how the various projects might look on the campus. I asked for a decisions about which projects to pursue or to be held off. She initially asked me to do the layout in two weeks. We agreed on twenty-four days if I could line-up my support team in forty-eight to seventy-two hours. I would deliver on five massive projects covering most of the requests plus some 750 parking spaces greatly needed for the university. My projected costs of $350 million with an additional $25 million for equipment and furnishings and $57 million in trusts for programs and projected costs over 10 years.

One unexpected outcome of the request was my putting basketball at the bottom of my concerns.

The Board of Directors asked for a priority projection. I had approached the donor and had written agreement for the donation to be increased to $100 million if we could deliver on a minimum of $250 million or 75% of the proposed projects. I requested the Board members to back their commitment to the University to a minimum of $12 million. From Johnson and Johnson, a pharmaceutical company, US Steel, General Electric, and IBM we had initial promises of $90-120. We had another $37 million to be funded through state and federal programs. Through a research grant sources undisclosed another $15-20 million in program and capital money would be secured for each of the coming ten years.

If the projects were approved, sixty percent would be online within five years. With only a few reluctant the Board went into a closed session and approved the projects and cloaked it in mystery for a major announcement in three weeks. Board members had set for themselves a goal of raising $25 million for project-related programs and administration. The economy, as it was, made the project a nice boom for the greater Philadelphia area and a mammoth step for AU. The projects would not be announced for three weeks, though two projects would be staked out and ground would be broken within days when it was announced.

We legally became SAGE Ideas as Sarah (Hamilton) Greenleaf took over as our chief engineer and CEO. She had been working seven years in a corporation in Syracuse prior to coming with us. She was extremely happy as she did not want to work in the family corporation desiring to be a lead engineer with a variety of areas in which to work. We were hiring two more engineers but neither Devon nor Hanna were received on as a partner like Sarah.

Sarah, Jim’s twin, enjoyed being around her brother. They moved into Philadelphia as we had moved thirty miles north. But because of me they would often be together.

James and I had continued our running and the day after the Boards approval. James came into the shower with me. Within moments I would pounce on him and be able to get my body impaled on his. I was inching up off the floor, up against the shower wall, with my legs wrapped around him. When he erupted I felt the hot gush of inside me. I was hoping not to become pregnant yet but James and I decided it was a day to celebrate together.

I practiced with the basketball team which was working hard to be ready for Villanova at the start of the season. Their talent was a step above most, but more importantly Villanova had stopped presuming how good they were. I had sprained my ankle late in October which helped take people’s expectation off of me. The Ambassadors surprised Villanova and jumped out to an 8-2, then a 19-5 lead and never looked back. They defeated Villanova 77-62 and thus began Anne’s coaching career.

Temple was now scheduled for later in the season. Coach Jessica and Temple would be harder than ever as they knew our style which Anne was not changing. Dr Heath had officially sidelined till the end of the year to allow me to heal my ankle completely. She and confided with me and James that I had a stress line crack in my ankle. Whatmore tests showed my body was stressed and needed this time. It was a godsend in having time to become a couple and me to develop more fully as a person.

James and I were doing fine, I became an avid horse rider and had fun doing things around our home. Maria and I worked on my cooking skills and putting my touch into our home and life together. I did spend time with the team once a week and at the red room once in November and again in December. I continued to enjoy being there and bonding with the present team. It was an unexpected encounter and I found my defenses down when I cuddled with another woman. I leaned my head on her shoulder, and her arm was there as a friend. A small peck became a small passionate kiss. It ended there that night, but I knew I like her and she liked me.

I turned to spend late nights prepping Cassie for medical reports and exams as needed. I enjoy the fact that Cassie as dedicated as a student as she’s as a basketball player, if not more. I enjoyed hearing about what she was doing or learning. Being at the campus also gave me time to help Callie as she’s begun a year living as a woman.

Callie was a poet and enjoyed playing her guitar and singing her and other people’s poems to music. I enjoyed it as she attracted male and female friends and admirers. Friends, Stan and Diana have also become deeper friends with her. Diana, a more classical pianist loves to relax and play along with Callie. I enjoy watching Callie blossom and envy the time she’ taking in becoming herself…

To be continued…

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James and I are doing fine, off to a beautiful beginning in our marriage. Though our passions for one another easily become distracting when the other is nearby. I think James has a bit of an advantage in keeping his emotions in check. I do a very good job acting on my passions and getting him distracted with a little effort or stimuli.

My biggest challenges ahead of me are the trial against my kidnappers and the insane load of responsibilities I’m keeping, my graduate degree, SAJEngineering Ideas, projects for Amber. The fact I’m able to hire support staff for developing the overall plan and schedule for the large group of construction projects at Amber is making it all possible for now. My helpers and I are still big savings for the university. Eighty-five percent of my hours are connected to my graduate degree and thus at no cost. The cost of using students on work-study is also less expensive. I will only bid for one project. So I am already moving in the right direction.

James is doing a great job being my husband and helping me to see I’m not a superwoman. Instead of arguing his point with me, he plays on my desire of experiencing my time as a student and in discovering being a woman and loving him in the process. The requirements of my graduate studies have a weight that is forever demanding.

A crucial time for a new decision came when Katie and Jasmine collided in the first game of the Women’s Liberty Bell Holiday Classic. Katie jammed and sprained the wrist of her shooting hand and Jasmine broke her left arm and severely sprained her knee.

I decided to put the pace my work on the project of the new Arts and Media Center to a reasonable level until the basketball season is over. That is if Anne wants me back.

I had already received medical clearance to play come January first. I had stayed in good condition and played a little on the practice squad, the past two weeks.

Anne and Catherine Greene her mother, now her assistant bench coach took me aside for a meeting. Coming back onto the team I am no better than the second team and playing time depends on my in-game performance. Luckily we had a rare junior varsity game scheduled against Philadelphia Community College PCC on January second. Olivia and Jan would each play in the game as would Denae a promising forward/center. Hadley Cane, Kelli Hart, and Bert (Roberta) Jones were all fairly good players on that squad. PCC had a good team, we had played against many of them in summer leagues and pick-up games.

First I had to get past my fear of reinjuring my ankle and foot and force myself to play at full speed, it took ten minutes into the first half. I had previously made a steal but got out hustled down the court. This time Olivia made the steal and I needed to rush down the court. Olivia passed the ball off at the last second and luckily I had run full speed to take the feed and score the basket. I next caught PCC with a surprise steal on their inbounds pass. It added up to a nice four-point turnaround plus the foul. Most importantly I was back to playing my game without worrying.

I guess it was Anne who limited my play to no more fourteen minutes in each half. While I shot a modest 40% from the field, I made all three of my free throws. I’m to be ready for the varsity game on the sixth. We would be up to Niagara Falls against the Purple Eagles. While they are not having their best season they are capable of an upset and we’ve already lost three games and are out of the rankings.

I opt to say on campus Monday evening for my second trip to the Red Tent this season, before going to Niagara Falls, New York. Surprisingly it is Karen that I bond with early in the evening. But seeing Cassie with Marcy that causes me to think things out. Yes, things felt good with Karen, but like they had the past summer with Kate, but the attraction is sexual and that is no longer enough for me or where I want to be. I excused myself from Karen and spent the rest of the night visiting with Olivia until Cassie invites me back to our suite. She was on her computer studying. When I offer to help her, she insisted I need to take responsibility for my own studies. It is then I rediscovered night time as a creative time for my work at Amber.

Seeing James’ up on his computer I call and we talk until I’m falling asleep.

My first game back with the Ambassadors, I only had nine playing minutes for the whole game but I came away with four assists to Cassie and Marcy. I scored eight points, on two three-pointers and two foul shots. Coach Catherine Greene seemingly is the one who is going to give me personal instructions. Anne, however, is not shy in chewing me out. Overall Anne is calm and poised as Coach Jessica had been. I think Anne chews me out knowing I will not take it any more personal than I should be playing well.

I had hoped James or some family would venture up to the game. Catherine tells me the wedding has a real effect on relations, saying, “James has woke up to the fact he cannot keep doing all things so you know you’re loved. You two have had a lot of help, even in covering your responsibilities. If and when you get pregnant, no one will be carrying the baby for you.” Ouch.

James and I decide a reasonable pace of my work on the project and my doctoral work related to it would be thirty hours per week. Our housekeeper Maria will also be doing five of our evening meals while James and I split the remaining two. I’m becoming a good cook but I’m mostly a student standing next to Maria or remembering what my mother had taught me. Hm. I continue to miss my mom. Sometimes I get fairly sad that I didn’t get more time as Jenny to be with her.

Friday was my first day testifying against Cougar Rodriguez? Don’t let his last name fool you, one of his parents is white as are three of his grandparents. His pitted and scarred face sends shivers up my spine just to look at him. Dougal had let me know that they had stopped or short-circuited three attempts to scare me. When I mentioned a near accident and described a car that chased me down Bell Street in South Philly. They were two times neither Dougal nor James knew of.

The defense lawyer’s expressed phony wishes that I was not afraid, his veiled threats to the opposite were my reality. When he challenged my ability to recollect faces and voices during my abduction and rape. He said, “How could you possibly think the jury will believe you could distinctively remember my client or his words?”

I shot back, “The scuzzy creep put his face down into mine, forcing a kiss on me. He called me a slut, remarking how it had been my first time. I haven’t mentioned it but his left eye is a shade lighter than his right eye… If you ask I will tell you he said!”

The lawyer asked, “Judge please tell her to relax and respectfully answer my questions.”

I turned to the Judge and asked him, “I hope you will only correct me when I’m wrong and not take instruction from the defense.”

Judge Harvey said, “I will not take instruction from either of you, but you Ms. Hamilton are correct I will be the one to correct you if you get out of order. The defense, however, is free to ask the court its questions of its own as well as you. Please continue.”

Mr. Biggs stated, “It is our understanding that FBI Agent Douglas Kelley had a vendetta against Mr. Cordero Rodriquez. That he took to hunting down Mr. Rodriquez whether he was guilty or not.”

He paused waiting for me to answer, until the Prosecutor asked, “Are you making a statement or asking a question that I don’t think she or anyone else heard?”

Mr. Biggs asked, “Is it okay if I call you Jenny?”

“You already made a statement that I don’t know the question to. I respectfully ask you to call me Ms. Hamilton and ask your questions plainly.”

He asks, “Do you think Agent Kelley had or has a vendetta against my client? Why else would he flex his authority on this case so early?”

Jenny makes an expression but states, “Mr. Dougal Kelley already knew me and came to see about my wellbeing. And once he was there did not leave as I think a person with a vendetta might likely do. I believe he had since heard your client’s group of friends has been known to make threats against people. He has taken an interest as have the police that I am kept safe.

The Defense said, “You have conveniently circumvented my question about his usurping his authority as a federal agent in this case.”

Jenny states, “James had stated the van had blue and orange plates and gave part of the license plate number. I believe that was enough for Dougal to identify it as an out of state vehicle. Both kidnapping and using an out of state vehicle provided him the reason to be involved in solving the crime.” I turn to the Judge and ask, “Your Honor testifying about my kidnapping and rape is hard enough. Do I also have to justify the actions of law enforcement as well?”

Judge Harvey, “He is entitled to pursue and ask questions within reason. He may be close but has not yet gone over those boundaries. Mr. Biggs, I would suspect she has answered your questions sufficiently to warrant you moving on if you have more questions.”

“Your Honor, this witness has a prior relationship with this agent. I question the possibility of that prejudicing the Agent and his actions.”

Judge Harvey, “She seemingly has given a good account and seemingly still had sound judgment at that time. I will allow you to pursue that line of questioning.”

Jenny draws a deep breath, possibly frustrated that the questioning will continue. The Defense asks, “It seems that you are frustrated that I question your friendship with Agent Kelley. But as you know there are differences and questions concerning the treatment of minorities by law enforcement.”

The Prosecutor objects, “Your Honor I object that the Defense is again making statements and failing to ask a question. He’s badgering the witness.” Judge Harvey says, “Mr. Biggs ask a question or I will sustain the objection.”

“Jenny Hamilton, you were Jenny Connors at the time of the alleged kidnapping and rape. Didn’t in fact, Agent Dougal judgment become clouded by his friendship with you?”

I said, “Officer Marsha Mason warned Agent Dougal of that possibility if he had left the hospital and gone to where they might have found the van and suspects. I warned both Dougal and my fiancé not to leave me alone at that time. I feared their getting hurt or the possibility of them hurting my case if, in fact, they had the correct suspects. So no, I don’t think by staying he had the opportunity to act on any emotions he had.”

Mr. Biggs said, “Are you in law enforcement that qualifies you to render such judgment?”

“Mr. Biggs, you’re the one who asked me the question. I answered your statement. It is as valid as the question asked.

“I’m upset, I do not think either the kidnapping or the rape is alleged! I was taken without my consent, I promise you that. Nor did I ask for your client to beat and rape me. The hospital report verifies that I was forcefully raped and beaten that day. Your client entered the van from who knows where and raped me. What did I say that was wrong?”

Mr. Biggs, “Your Honor, I ask the witness’s statement be struck from the record. She has elaborated well beyond the scope of the question and made insinuations against my client.”

“Request denied, you opened the door and she answered your question. I agree that her being kidnapped or raped is not alleged. Who did it will be up to the jury to decide, not me.”
The trial proceeded for a week, two days with Jenny on the stand. While it was hard to know for sure how the jury felt for sure at that time. Cordero ‘Cougar’ Richie Rodriguez’s lawyers asked at the end of the week for a plea agreement of ten years imprisonment. The Prosecutor offered a minimum of twenty-five years with a mandatory fifteen years before parole would be considered. Their hope being if Cougar is imprisoned others might be willing to testify against him for rape, kidnapping, and murder.

Jenny still hoped for a ruling of guilty and the serving of a life sentence. I was disappointed on the tenth day when Cougar finally accepts an agreement for him to serve twenty-five years. He openly states he could do the time lying down. To which I replied aloud, “I hope you do it with someone you don’t want on top of you.” James tells me to leave it at that as he hugs me.

The trial did weigh poorly on me as I had three basketball games as well as thinking through things for my job and studies also suffered. A game this Sunday sees us playing against the Tennessee Vols. We/I see noticeable change and it’s on their court. They’re highly ranked and because of illness and injuries, I’m to be the sixth person in alternating from guard and forward positions. Staci, Marcy, and Cassie are playing well but are under a lot of pressure until I and Olivia make three, three-point shots and I make a layup basket off Cassie’s feed. I have eleven points and five assists as we make it to half-time with a seven-point lead. I add three more three-point shots and end the game with my personal high at 23 points. We came away with a 79-74 victory. It lands us for the first time since early in the season into the rankings.

The next weekend we play Temple in Philadelphia, Renee Jones a second-year recruit of Coach O’Mara is having a bust out year for Coach. She as much as their older stars will be challenging to face. She not only knows out the system but has a lot of practice experience playing against it. Coach Anne takes me aside on Sunday. “Review their game film from last Monday as you would have done keeping stats for coach and find me some cracks in their playing.” The part was from the review and the other part was from something that clicked in covering Denae the year before. She likes more than most to charge to her left, quickly switching her dribbing from right to left. If I or another player could time it to block her, it threw her game and timing off. It resulted in poor shots and lousy passes. Reviewing the game I saw she has not worked through the problems.

I found something Cassie and Marcy could use in gaining rebounds and possibly being fouled by their opponents under the baskets. Tracy from Temple was already prone to fouls and this would put her back in deep trouble. It is tough playing against people who are friends off the court. But we’ve learned not to expect friendships and respect to translate to others taking it easy. We had become a competitive team by keeping our head into the game.

My hardest time in playing against Temple for me was to see Heather now seven and Kyle almost ten. Heather had run over to me as we were taking warm-ups. It was hard to see the young kids I first knew, Heather and I both had tears for the other.

I’m into the starting lineup for the first time this season. It is mostly about defending Denae and their other playmaker. Anne also knows, Coach O’Mara will not leave me unguarded on offense. I do score 17 points but twelve come from foul shots as I make 12 of 13 from the foul line. It would be my best defensive game of the season. We managed to squeeze out a 69-66 victory. It helps us to move up three more spots in one of the rankings.

Kate has now been cleared to play and Jasmine is out of her cast but two weeks from being cleared to play. That’s if we make the playoffs.

I get to enjoy a heavy winter storm, staying home to have a cozy day with James. I enjoy being on the pill and not having to take precautions with James. He tries to get out of bed but I grabbed a few short hairs and bring him back down to the bed.

Come noon, I get a call from my pharmacy in Philadelphia, and I’m asked to read the numbers on my contraception pills. Which I do and hear someone whispering from the other end, “That means trouble as she had two of those discs.”

I interrupt them and ask, “Is there a problem with the pills I’ve been taking?”

Mr. Berg gets on the other end, “Jennifer, I need to ask a personal question. I’m sorry but I hope you won’t mind telling me. Have you menstruated during the past two months?”

“No, but I didn’t expect to, is there a problem that I need to worry about?”

Mr. Berg says, “If you’re still doctoring with Dr. Heath, you might want to go get checked out by her. And until you do you should be taking proper precautions when having intercourse. I am sorry to inform you but we just received word there was a problem with the batches of pills that included your last two discs at least.”

I sit as I’m talking and James comes over to me. I’m asking over the phone, “Do you mean not having a period could mean, I’m pregnant? But Doctor Heath and others have indicated my having a period doesn’t likely mean I could become pregnant.”

He says, “I would advise you to caution on the side of being safe. Like this snowstorm should not be taken as a time to get intimate with your husband.”

I whisper under my breath, ‘Too late that boat has sailed.” I say, “Good-bye Mr. Berg, I need to make some calls. Luckily, Dr. Heath is at the university clinic despite the storm and is scheduled at the hospital as well. It is during a late lunch she calls me back and advises me to go to the Bucks County Hospital. She’s even able to provide me with the name of Dr. Beverly Crouse. Dr. Crouse’s appointments are filled up, but at Dr. Heath’s request, she agrees to see me as her last appointment of the afternoon.

I am impressed with Dr. Crouse, though I’m uncomfortable about updating a new doctor and clinic on my life changes. She says, ‘It appears you could be pregnant. If you don’t mind I’d like you to come back tomorrow morning and for us to confirm that with another test.” She sits next to me, “I would have sworn like Dr. Heath and others that it would be very unlikely you’d become pregnant, especially this early as a young woman with your body developing.”

I begin to cry in the office and as I stop crying the nurse asks a strange question, “Are those tears of joy or sadness?” Immediately I thought the question to be silly, but as I think of it, I’m not sure. Again when I go out to the waiting area to see James, I begin to cry again, “James, I could be pregnant. I am not sure what to think, I thought it was impossible.” The woman near James says, “Congratulations, I take it that this would be your first.”

I pause, “Thank you, but I have so much to do?” The woman smiles as though she knows something I do not. James gives me a hug, “So what do we need to do?”

“I need to come back tomorrow, but I might just go to Dr. Heath at the university. I like Dr. Crouse but she’s new to me.” ”

James says, “But if you’re pregnant are you going to want to be riding all the way to Philadelphia when you’re due?” ‘That would have been my own logic five years ago as Brian. Funny, I had to think twice for my old name.’

‘I would like Bev being my delivery doctor, but who are her partners, would I like them?’

I tell James, “I have an appointment here tomorrow morning before I go to Amber. I guess I’ll keep it, I was going to call and go to my doctor.”

The rest of the day is strange, as I want to make love and enjoy being the woman I’ve become. Yet I am anxious with a lot of ‘what if’s’. I pause to ponder a small room at our house that might be sweet as a nursery but is too small for a child’s bedroom. Or what if, I were to have a rocker or a recliner there. Will James be willing to be there for a baby, or might he lose interest in me.

I had already called Anne and Cassie, though I’m also concerned it might yet be nothing. Cassie says, “Drs. Crouse and Cindy Hays both have good reputations. I have thought of applying to their student/work program. Though, I think it may just be for Upper Valley’s nursing students.”

Cassie and I talked for an hour until she had to go to practice. I had already talked to Anne and she made it known. Anne tries to take pressure off of me, “You weren’t here earlier in the season and we did fine.”

I tell her, “I called you first as a best friend and second as a coach.”

Anne then says, “I am happy for you if you’re pregnant. Yet I shake my head for you whose life has changed so much. I can’t believe this is happening.”

James is out on a tractor clearing snow like a boy with a new toy. I go out to shovel snow off the walk and Marie and Roger tells me I need to take it easy and make sure I don’t overdo myself. I am torn between being an active woman and concerned about doing too much. I have a long jeans skirt on with a sweater blouse. I enjoy the snow-swept by a breeze coming into my face. It is cold enough to be refreshing. My cheeks were rosy when I check on the horses. April and I are already bonding. I have a carrot and a handful of oats to treat her with.

James’ stallion would like to get to her, and I lightly laugh. We had thought of breeding them thinking even if we could have children, it would be after breeding the horses. Now I’m thinking, “Not now a big boy.” His Stallion, the Major is a stunning looking horse.

James came from behind me and said I was too late regarding the Major and April too. He intended to surprise me on April Fool’s Day.

The day despite the surprise of my pregnancy was a beautiful day and was celebrated with another time of being intimate.

Morning came early as I woke at 4:30 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep. A little after 5:00 I took to designing an addition to our old but eloquent farmhouse. I designed the addition to complement the existing house, add some modern comforts while being out of sight from the road. Thanks to a good design program on my computer I had the basic design done by 7:00 am.

I was to my appointment by 7:45 and Dr. Crouse’s exam was more thorough. She wants to check my overall health. She also wanted to examine my uterus. She said, “The strength of your reproductive system for the duration of the pregnancy will be one thing we will want to watch throughout.” She warmly smiled, “You appear to be in very good condition. I suspect you might have had an egg that was impregnated but discharged shortly after conception. That would explain you going without a period over a month ago. I believe you are only three weeks into your first trimester.”

Dr. Crouse asked, “Have you noticed anything different during the last two weeks?” There were things like bacon or sausage in the morning did not sit well with my system. My sex drive had increased and my body’s thermostat would fluctuate from being hot or cold.”

“Have your breasts changed or become more sensitive?”

I said, “Yes, but isn’t that just normal with me maturing as a woman?” She didn’t deny it could be, but she showed that my areolas probably would be enlarging and become more sensitive along with my nipples.”

Finally, as the exam had ended and we were talking, she said, “Seemingly you know you can continue being sexually intimate as long as you are comfortable with it. Though you might increasingly desire to be on top or in other positions than them laying on top of you.”

“You would do well to decide whether you want to doctor with me and my associates during your pregnancy or with Dr. Heath or an OB doctor there…

To be continued…

Brian wanted to get in touch with his feminine side, and hopefully get some female help in doing so. The desire to see himself as a convincing girl has long passed… Time and events have helped Jenny to emerge more than she dared to have imagined… Brian is relegated to the past and now the one deep inside and Jenny is in the process of living her new life, even pregnant with new life…

The confirmation of my pregnancy begins a new and unexpected chapter in my life. I am able to continue playing basketball for the Amber Ambassadors. Though, Coach Anne plans to use me in decreasing amounts of playing time over the next two to three weeks, unless I totally stop before that.

The front of the Arts and Communication Center is now in focus and will have much more than a dressed up entrance. The center section with four levels is to be used to develop a new major for media and broadcasts into the next century. Amber’s one of the first to believe computer and mobile phones would change the shape of communication. When Professor Janet Rustenburg said the Dick Tracy watch could become a reality. People laughed and dismissed it as being unrealistic. The head of NBC news said, ‘The idea wouldn’t even be of interest to the public, except for a few computer nuts.’

Prof. Janet’s reply was, “He also proclaimed Ronald Regan’s political career was dead after the Iowa Caucasus in 1980.”

The departments for Music, Theatre and the Performing Arts will occupy areas on levels 1-3 on the south end, as well as two smaller performance venues on the main floor. Fashion, Design, and Textiles are to have the north wing of levels 2-4. The big surprise is the location of this building. It took our engineering department to even consider this land which was useable for development. The amphitheater is to use property long owned by the university but considered too steep to be usable. The slope and twists of that property made it hard to develop, and problematic for an adjoining park and habitat area below it.

Attached to the lower stage area of the amphitheater, another collection of buildings with that ground level being the equivalent of two to three levels lower than ground level at the front of the Living Arts building. The natural slope of the ground is to be used to develop the amphitheater. Establishing a foundation for such a varied building complex is no small engineering feat. It is something we have designed a solution

Less someone would think Jenny has become a superwoman of sorts, she is not. But part of her wisdom is to incorporate wisdom greater than her own. From her father-in-law and husband to professors at Amber all making some contributions. Brainstorming with sister-in-law Sara Greenleaf, Anne and she would be crucial to pulling it all together.

Some twenty studios and sound rooms for vocal and instrumental practice are to be built into the plan, along with three recording studios. Four rooms are built underneath the auditorium along with various gathering areas, storage area and hallways for moving people and material out of view and hearing for performances in the amphitheater. Two special safe areas capable of being self-sustaining were also built into the plan.

A road built to serve the lower area would also enable the development of the College of Science complex for environmental studies.

Across campus where the Medical complex is to be. We were to choose between the focus on nursing or a medical school for doctors. I dared to design a complex for nursing, medical doctors as well as labs and research. Once the plan came together Cassie and Dr. Mason and others convince President Campbell they needed to find a way to do the whole project. Dr. Mason stated: “It is not in AU’s interest to choose between them but to develop the program as it has been and is presently designed. What we’re presently doing is unique; I don’t think we want to lose that edge.”

Several parts of the campus are to undergo a dramatic transformation. These projects and the remanding projects need to be space over time to make the change manageable and the coherence of the university campus to remain intact and not dividing the various colleges as on many campuses. Amber is already building a series of dorms and housing to meet the growth of the student body.

While I am quickly trying to cut back my work on projects for AU, US Steel, and Bethlehem Steel, or practicing for my last season in Basketball. I find time to settle with James into married life and our homestead. James and I try to maintain Saturdays and Sundays through 5:00 p.m. for us, friends and family. James and I had begun to enjoy horse riding on our property and nearby in the fall. I still enjoy riding but no longer getting into a full gallop.

Two of our remaining games are at Virginia and home against Pittsburgh. It echoes for me, not only my last times to play them, but our first trip way back, after Sally Leach had surprisingly transferred to Virginia. This year it is Virginia University and Sally who are highly favored to beat us. Sally had developed as expected into a great guard and is now their leading scorer.

Sally however usually telegraphs her receiving of a pass from other players. I was surprised though glad others had not realized that. It was hard to time the passes but I steal three passes early in the first half of our game against them. Sally’s frustration with me also allows me to trick her into committing two fouls early and a third before halftime.

I only played twelve minutes in the first half and eight minutes in the second half. Staci, Olivia, and Katy provided the lion’s share of offense from our guard positions. Ironically Sally scored much below her average before fouling out in the third quarter. We were able to upset Virginia 73-59.

The game against Pittsburgh would be another hard-fought win and helped Amber climb in the collegiate rankings. It became my last game as I twisted severely the ankle which bothered me earlier in the season. Coach Anne quickly became my friend again. “Well Jenny, your place on the team is now on the bench in Amber’s road outfits. I don’t mean that despairingly, I want you to be present and a spirit force for the team.” She looks me in the eyes, “Am I correct in assuming you were going to try to hit the ball back in play and crash into the seats? You did well in considering the child you’re carrying. That more than your ankle is why you are done playing for the team.”

Anne, James, a few others and I stayed up reminiscing how far I had come in four years as a person and a basketball player. Cassie, Marcy, and Staci had come in for the talk. Cassie and Staci were down to their game shorts and bra; James presence didn’t cause them to change for us to change our conversation. We joked how James is ready to turn the big 30 but can relate to us college people.

The University is pleasantly pleased with how Coach Anne has done and is offering her a three-year contract. Several would-be recruits had become nervous about Anne possibly not being their coach in the future.

Anne could have become a more active owner and contributor with SAJE Ideas, but her heart is now with being a head coach. She’s most important to me as a best friend and counsel. She’s the one I am most comfortable talking about the journey from being Brian.

I’m surprised on the first of March to get a request from Dr. Florence Drabrowski to have a follow-up research exam and consult with her. I was even more surprised when she had me doing various written personality and behavior written exams. The results were drastically different than even two years earlier. Dr. Florence explained it to be important in understanding me and others having transgender identities. That my experience and time being a female was affirming the changes of my body.

Sex with James tonight became interesting as James asked if he could make love to me anally. He said it was in preparation for my pregnancy getting further along. Yet it’s causing me to wonder if it is something James had long desired. “James, if we do it, it needs to be what you want. And you need to know we’re not having regular sex for another day or two. I do not want you to transfer bacteria from one area to another.”

It feels different having sex this way, I had only done it a few other times. Those times were with women with either having fingers or an artificial device penetrate me. This time it was James and to have him fill me was different. I could tell James enjoyed himself more than I expected. He said, he too is surprised, but I’m not sure if that is true.

We were not intimate the next night, but night following that James was again entering me from behind. I would come to enjoy it as a change as I was also in seeing a softer side of James I had not yet experienced.

Except for our master bedroom, the upstairs rooms were small and our addition and remodeling would help us to change that. We’re planning to convert four smaller rooms into a nursery and a nice size bedroom and needed bathroom. The addition was to be modest and add two bedrooms, a play area plus a sitting room for me.

My next appointment with Dr. Crouse changes our outlook as she discovers I am pregnant with twins. “Well young lady you don’t do things in half measures, do you?” I look to her wondering what she means. “I am certain, I’m hearing two fetuses in you.”

I say, “But I was told the one I’m expecting would be challenging enough? What you’re saying is troubling, isn’t it?” I am allowed to sit up in a more dignified position and we talk.

Beverly Crouse has a great doctor-patient demeanor and I am soon feeling relaxed again. “Jenny any woman is at risk to some extent. You are healthier than many women and we’re going to watch your progress closely.” She pauses, looks at me and asks, “I regularly don’t say anything like this, but there seems to be a spirit about you. Do you feel like your body is in harmony with what is taking place with your pregnancy?”

While I am not expecting such a question, I am certain it is good and affirming. “Yes, I’m surprised you’re asking but yes, I kind of feel like I’m being watched over.”

Dr. Crouse asks, “I have another question to ask about someone helping me. Cassie Conley is asking to work with me this summer and next year if she takes the year off to be on the Olympic team. I need to know if you’d be comfortable with her being my assistant with you as my patient.” I light up with joy at the idea, though it is the first time I hear of Cassie possibly taking a year off from the university basketball team.

Beverly says, “I’ll take your expression to mean it will be okay.”

“O yes, Cassie is a longtime friend. I would like very much if she’s your assistant. I too have done my homework. I am surprised to find doctors of your caliber and that of your husband in cardiology to be here instead of Philadelphia or another major hospital. I don’t want you moving away on me.”

Beverly Crouse, “You are not alone, we’re moving to get this hospital to reinvest more in the hospital and our specialties in particular. We believe there will be benefits for a moderate size hospital to do so.”

Dr. Crouse tells me, “One thing, your husband is not the first to change his pattern with you, but hopefully you know to be very careful in how you are having sex…”

The appointment soon ends, ‘I’m more thankful in going out of the clinic to be a patient here; planning to deliver my babies here, but twins.’ I first call James with the news, Marge Hamilton and then friends the rest of the day.

Monica Morgan had contacted me about my comfort with reconnecting with the lesbian community in the Philly area. There are those in the police department who were wanting to deal with prejudice from a pro-active position. I’m open to the possibility, but as I first meet with Monica, I let it be known. “It is those within the police department who need to take the lead in taking on the risks. I will not want to be party to the department if they back off from that. I knew the lesbian and transgender community had stuck itself out before and was left holding things alone.

We had used the back room of one of the nightspots. Listening to the problems of abuse as well as the failures of law officials responding. Listening would become nauseating at times, but it was very important. Heather who had gone with me once before was again with me but now she’s very happily part of the community. She’s even a stronger advocate than me.

She also now pressing me and Sage Ideas to step forward in being more accountable within our hiring practices with our community development plans. Deanna a young engineering student from Amber would be hired by us to be an associate to me. Hamilton – Mid-Atlantic would join us in becoming pro-active in their hiring. Pro-active is a step beyond having an open mind. The neighborhood development was a harder sell, but with the community’s having experience with prejudice they were open. Their concern that the actions they took were not dictated by us, but decided by them.

I was in my second month that I experienced morning sickness. I was forever grateful when it diminished over the next four weeks.

Amber University was designated the eleventh seed but was placed in the mid-west bracket. Up against the sixth seed a tough Washington University team with plenty of height. They had over twenty wins, while we were still two wins under twenty. Cassie, Marcy, Kendra, and Jasmine were solid around the basket, and Staci, Olivia, Katie, and Mandy Wyatt all gave a good accounting of themselves from the guard to small forward positions.

We were only a point down come halftime, 33-34 points. It had been just over three weeks since I had played, but thankfully I was not needed. The team pressed harder in the second half and had a handful of fast breaks on turnovers. We won widening a lead by as many as a dozen points and held on to win 71-64. However, Anne told me, ‘If you’re ready and able to play. I’d like to use you for some quality play of 3-5 minutes to rest some of our players.

I was six weeks along in my pregnancy and I was still not showing. I had practiced the past week and been jogging for another. It was the sharp turns and contact I was fearful of.

Stanford the three seed was our next opponent and we didn’t see any flaws in their playing. Cassie had given us a pep talk before our practice between games. “It is our talent, energy, and teamwork that will win us the game. That night in the red room was peaceful. While one could smell and sense the estrogen in the two rooms, there was a calm serenity.

I had left my panty on feeling a touch of modesty as a would-be mom and quiet for me as we talked around the pole. Thankfully only two of the fifteen of us were near their time for the curse. Staci and I nuzzled together for the night. Our hands were between the others legs to give a pleasurable time and were content with that. It was Staci focus on my breast that brought me heat. She did not go overboard, lightly suckling at my breasts. Staci had been like a tightly wound violin. Being with me she had relaxed and slept on me another half-hour in the morning.

We had talked that night and another hour after the team breakfast. I had not known of the pressure Staci felt in leading the team. She always appeared to be cool and calm even in pressure situations. Seemingly to her, I had appeared the same way with the exception after I had been raped.

Surprisingly we jumped out to a 12-2 lead. The harder Stanford played to get back into the game they mishandled the ball, not that most others would see. We pressed them on defense and played a running game which should have been to their advantage. Seemingly Coach Anne was hoping for this. I truly was needed to relieve our guards and forwards. It was Marcy who covered for Cassie and I’d play several times each half for a few minutes of playing time to relieve Marcy in compensation for it.

Anne asked after the game, “You had an added inch or two to your jump where did that come from? Your anticipation on defense also gave you an added step.” I felt good with my playing but did not give much credence to what she said. We had won seventy-nine to sixty-four. Everyone had played a good game.

It took Cassie saying, “You’ve become comfortable being you haven’t you?” When I didn’t understand she said more, “Something happened on your honeymoon didn’t it? I think someone, something blessed you. You have a touch or presence at times that brings a glow to you. It was here again today and Staci sensed it last night. I wouldn’t be surprised if your girls are a result of it.”

It would be three weeks before the doctor confirmed I’m carrying twins and over seven weeks before I would know they were girls. I did not think much of it at this time but things were adding up that cause me to wonder more and more. The fact I still twisted my ankle and make ordinary mistakes reminds me I’m ordinary and discount thoughts running through my head.

Next was to be a night that Stanford was to have a showdown with Arizona State, both had beaten the other. Arizona was rated to be the better of the two. Amber did not get a jump on Arizona State, but we did stay with them as there were nine changes of the lead by halftime, with a thirty-nine to thirty-nine tie.

I am proud to say Cassie and I teamed up to score twenty-seven points in the second half. I was lucky enough to score six of those points, I had two forced turnovers, while Cassie blocked two more shots and had another seven rebounds. We were again tied at the end of the regulation play 83-83. I became sick and the team physician, benched me, for being dehydrated.

Seemingly a basket giving us the lead 94-92 with a second and a half remaining assured us of a victory. But Jayne Teasdale’s Hail Mary shot from half-court went in with the buzzer sounding the end of the game. We lose a heart-breaker 94-95 in overtime.

I sit down on the court for my last time. We had great respect for Arizona State coming into the game. They were very talented and could play offense and defense with the best we had seen. More importantly, they played as a team and were good sportswomen to us. Jayne Teasdale and Morgan Brook took a moment to pause with us. It would be their year to earn their way to the final four.

In three years Cassie has earned her way into the medical school program to become a physician. She has been able to play basketball as she desired. And now she will be staying with us two nights a week as she works with Dr. Crouse.

It is nice to get on track with my studies and work. The idea that I have learned so much in engineering excites me to no end. It’s a joy to design and get a builder busy on the addition to our home.

It is May when the doctor takes her first ultrasound picture of the babies. There is a home growing inside of me and the only control I have is to make it healthy. I can still see over my tummy and to think that out of that small slit two girls are going to be born both excites and frightens me. I doubt my ability to handle it. Hopefully the next appointment Cassie will be working with Dr. Crouse.

James and I have been thinking about names; we plan to keep them to ourselves until the babies are born.

I had been going to a lesbian bar, sometimes with James and sometimes not. Part of the time I was there without James I would be hassled by police after I left. There were two times when I was going to my car and another time after I had driven away. The one common occurrence being the two officers who sought to intimidate me. When I slapped away the hand of one office for touching my breasts. I was then handcuffed and arrested.

Officer Crebs slamming me against the car caused me to be concerned about my pregnancy. I waited until I was at the police station before I expressed my concern to another officer. Some were concerned if I was guilty or innocent, for others it sent up red flags. It was two hours before I was taken to an emergency clinic. While the bruising to my back and between my legs was not conclusive; they’re consistent with my statements and inconsistent with Officer Crebs.

Having friends in the Philadelphia Police department and the ongoing probe about such actions helped. The officers were placed on restricted duty, pending an investigation. Their description matched two previous reports. One victim was willing to testify after she successfully identified them in line ups.

James and I flew down to the Florida Keys in April. It allowed me time to get in some swimming, and tanning while wearing a fashionable swimsuit. James is very good at taking time with me and helping me to enjoy intimate moments. However, it is not like the touch of a loving woman like Staci…

To be continued…

Brian wanted to get in touch with his feminine side, and hopefully get some female help in doing so. The desire to see himself as a convincing girl has long passed… Time and events have helped Jenny to emerge more than she dared to have imagined… Brian is relegated to the past and now the one deep inside and Jenny is in the process of living her new life, even pregnant with new life…

It was the middle of the night and I was in my fifth month of pregnancy and I was having trouble sleeping. Part of it was I already had two recurring dreams: One was James and me on the beach of Key Largo from when we visited the Florida Keys. The other was when Officer Crebs arrested me after I slapped his hand for groping me.

It was Officer Joey Drew that now had my attention. It was how he touched me that was coming to my mind. Officer Drew’s touch was very gentle. It dawned on me that he was repulsed by Officer Crebs, as though he might be an unwilling part of what was happening. I got up, found my smartphone and text Monica Morgan. “I think Officer Drew might be good to go undercover in the LGBT community. Please call me in the morning.” I stayed up long enough to have a cup of mint tea and then back to sleep. The rest of the night was a peaceful sleep.

Responding to my request, Monica called me at 7:30 a.m., “Whether you’re up or not you should be!” was the beginning of Monica’s conversation. “So what is this about that Officer Drew should be going undercover for the group he was harassing?”

I said to her, “Drew was not comfortable harassing me, I know that now. I think he’s either gay or transgender. Officer Crebs must have used that to get away with what he did. I was wondering if Officer Drew might be able to save his badge on the police force by going undercover.”

Monica asks, “Did you realize he’s married and he’ll be losing his position? But A.I.D. agrees with you that he was somehow coerced in going along with things. However, he showed poor judgment and his character should have been stronger. Even if he's willing to go undercover, we need to be assured that he would not be hurting anyone, especially within the LGBT community. I don’t see any way of doing that.”

I asked, “When is he likely to be let go of? And is he to be charged?”

Monica says, “I don’t know for sure, it should be sometime this week. As far as criminal charges, they are likely to be made at the same time or within a day after that.”

I ask, “Would it be possible that we could interview him yet today or tomorrow with one of the A.I.D.’s officials present?”

She says, “Johnson in covert operations, they would need to be in on it as well. But I’m afraid we will only be delaying the inevitable.”

A thought hits me, “What if Crebs having gotten away with this before, means there are more officers and someone over them is enabling this to continue in the department?”

I hear a hum at the other end of the phone, Monica then speaks up, “If that were true, why hasn’t Drew said anything?” There’s another pause, Monica says, “Get yourself to my office within an hour. I answered my own question. If Drew’s willing I think it might work.”

Sarah Greenleaf was not happy that I would be late in getting to work; she did insist I get there when I could.

My skirt was a simple wrap around skirt with a white satin top. My makeup was simple and my hair went up into a ponytail. I wasn’t very dressed up. I usually take more pride in my appearance, I’m just simplifying my look.

Monica greets me in her office and two other officers join us. Everyone is in plain clothes. Johnson is right to the point saying, “I’m open to using Joey Drew but how can we determine that he’s a good risk?”

I ask, “How are you going to feel if he’s gay or transgender?”

Johnson replies, “If he’s going to be good, his sensitivity needs to come from somewhere. I am not saying the whole Philadelphia police force will be there for him. But he could be part of our ongoing group, and he could fit in as an important member.”

Monica asks, “Would people be open to the three of us meeting with Drew and A.I.D. observing from the other side of the glass?”

Bidwell from A.I.D. says, “We proceed from the idea that he’s already on his way out. We need to be certain if we’re changing that.”

I was purely an observer the first twenty meeting with Joey. The longer we meet, I feel more assured he had been used. He was leaning toward where I thought his identity lied. But I knew he was being protective and he had not yet impressed anyone.

Finally, I asked him, speaking softly, “Joey, I’ve seen other reports that were discounted about you and Officer Crebs. Two times, they like me experienced you as a person who was very different from Crebs… The woman you reportedly raped likened you to another woman in your sensitivity. Did Crebs see the same as a weakness?” I paused and then continued, “Let’s say, it wasn’t abusive but something else. That somehow that could be seen as a plus for covert work, would you be willing to tell us?”

It was obvious to Monica and Johnson, Joey was having trouble acknowledging a feminine side. Finally, I asked, “Joey are you use to becoming warm and moist?” It became obvious he was shocked and couldn’t deny he was.”

Then I asked, “Joey what does your wife think about you and you're likely being kicked off the force?”

He’s looking down, “My wife has known. The only thing she’s upset with is I’m taking the fall for Crebs. But the others who knew would never do anything about him! What was I to do?”

I quickly looked toward the mirror, through the one-way glass and Bidwell. I couldn’t know he was saying, “Crebs has been a cop longer, Drew’s dismissal is to send Crebs the message that such action won’t be put up with.”

Later Monica is perturbed, “Crebs’ the one who’s the worse of the two. Joey needs to be upfront in the future if he’s to be any good.”

Johnson says, “If my group catches Crebs with his pants down. He just might break before he ever got back to any station.” Johnson tells the others, “I’ve reached an agreement with Officer Drew. Let’s have Joey Drew be put on the slow route to suspension. That way no one will be looking for him to be working with us.” Joey wasn’t excited about it, but it was the best offer he had. He’d end up being a very good undercover cop, taking on various identities.

I liked finally getting back to Sage Ideas and Sarah has no shortage of work for me. But it was capped with a relaxing wine dinner for the two of us. Sarah says, “I like what you and Jim decided to do in remodeling your house. He says enough will be done by the time the babies come. How are you feeling?”

“We need to get the Performing Arts Center back in full swing. The other engineers and I like the construction team you’re pulling together to do it. Do you really think you can pull them on board to working under our banner?”

I say, “Your Uncle is the one who put me onto Richards. He’s smart, hardworking and has taken the crap from too many other contracting companies not to like our style. Between the skilled people, he’s got to come with him and picking up a crew being laid off from Central Contractors. We’re being there for these guys at the right time.”

Sarah smiles as she tilts her glass, “But what are they going to think about working with all the women we have?”

“Burt Richards and I met that concern head-on in our meetings. The guys can be as gruff as they want, but if they start getting demeaning they’re gone. Burt said, “I want a productive crew, that negative crap has no place with me.”

“Burt was more concerned with us being true to good work getting good treatment.”

“I plan on him and his team retiring with us. I’d be more concern with not following through on our word.”

Sarah said, “I put the agreement down in writing, wasn’t that enough with him?”

I tell Sarah, “Burt has had it with too much paper mean nothing. …I was more impressed about how he’s going about to build that foundation connecting the large performance center and the structures at both ends. He says, he’d like to dig deeper with the footings and make them and the foundation wider. He likes the new material and the quality of the foundation we are going to lay.”

Sarah informs me, “They’ve already begun breaking ground and are into solid bedrock.

She says, “Are you willing to take over the Equestrian Center at Upper Valley again? We have not changed anything of note. I think they would like to have you back on that project. I think the professors and the students have trouble believing how the labs and classroom area above the stables and arenas will be conducive to their work.”

I said, “I told them how we’re doing it. You know where the filtered air for the top floors is being drawn from. They should be happy, others with the same stinkin’ thinking will keep others away long enough for them to establish it as their area. It will esthetically look like a beautiful mammoth barn and blow people’s minds once they see it all working. I don’t think Penn State will be matching it anytime soon. The college will be able to host events that most others can’t.”

It was my second appointment of the summer when Cassie was allowed to give me an exam before Dr. Crouse came into check me. It was an awkward time even though Cassie and I were good friends. Dr. Crouse explained our being uncomfortable was because we were such good friends. It was why she had Cassie examine me and hopefully get that put aside. Dr. Crouse explained, “Cassie during her career will probably have many patients who had been friends. She needs to learn to be professional in the office and around her patients. It is not good for a doctor to excuse being a good professional with her friends.” It was strange to hear Cassie share her report talking about me as another patient.

The babies were due in a few weeks and they talked about the position of my babies. One looked like the position of her head and feet at birth was not yet fully decided. It scared me and concerned the doctors. It was explained if the first baby came feet first it would likely mean I would have them both by Cesarean section. They were already worried about how my body would function during the stress of childbirth.

James and I had taken Lamaze classes and we're looking forward to seeing the babies being born. I remembered Maluah and Jane telling me I had been blessed and would have children. It might be silly, even childish but I was holding onto that with certainty.

My emotions were raised again with a call from Monica Morgan the reporter with the Philadelphia newspaper wanting to get the inside track for when I have my babies. She had heard there might be two. She was pleased to hear that was true and I had been doing fine. I agreed to see her but I’m afraid I might cry or show I’m afraid.

I call Barb my sister-in-law and Cathy one of the girls I dated when I was a boy. They both have children and are amused the boy they once knew is now having fears and feeling that tension with motherhood. I’m encouraged to come home to meet with Barb. I am surprised with a baby shower. My parents’ sisters, my other sister-in-law, neighbors and three women my age from school are there along with Kathy and Barb. My big surprise is Ruth Ottoman Strauss has come from Philadelphia. Grandma is there as I would have hoped. I didn’t realize gifts of little outfits for my babies would mean so much. Again I was crying.

The other women are as impressed as I am surprised by how my breasts are already filling out. Large breasts are something that I had long desired, but now I am taken with the fact they will allow me to nurse twins. Barb, Ruth and other women taunt me with the pain I will have nursing twins chomping and sucking on my breasts. The idea of babies nursing is so beautiful, I pay no mind.

Earlier James and I had bought one beautiful bassinet. Mrs. Burgmann had found and purchased one that matched what we had. Ruth and her mother had bought a nice changing table with extra high sides. Barb had given me a mobile with different colors and objects to amuse my babies. I had not known when I got home, James would have the nursery finished. The bassinets would be in our room early on.

Sitting in the nursery envisioning my/our babies brought me to tears. I am getting frustrated crying over so many little things. James comes beside me, caressing one breast. “James don’t do that I’m so afraid they are going to start oozing out milk or I am going to get too aroused and won’t be able to do anything to sooth my desires.”

It was ten days before I was due and Cassie was staying with us as she worked today and again for the next two days. It was eleven at night and I wet the bed and raise my voice in frustration. Cassie told me to relax as she would change our bed for me. She quickly decided, my water had broken so ever little. She told James before she asked where my bag was for going to the hospital.

She checked me and was sure I needed to go to the hospital to have my babies. She was sure I could be driven by James. She had called both to the hospital and to Dr. Beverly Crouse. One of the other partners was on call, but Crouse was wanting to be the one who was delivering my babies. James was to give the information, but the Admissions person insisted on me giving her information and her giving me my identification wristbands. That wait raised my anxieties and I was becoming upset.

Once I was changed and ready Dr. Crouse had me with my legs up and she was examining me which included breaking my water sack all the way. I was already dilated 3 cm. I was reminded the magic number was ten. It was soon after the water poured out that mild contractions started.

“What about the position of the babies? Can you tell which one is coming out first?” Dr. Crouse asked Cassie to inform me. “Jenny, you are alright, but it will be a few minutes before we can tell you for sure. It might be an hour or more before we can safely say; it could change real fast.”

One, maybe both babies were kicking hard; the first time one kicked at the top near my rib cage I cried out and Beverly and her nurse said that was good news. It was an indication that the baby moving to come out was head first. I was in fact dilated to seven and the baby was wanting to come. The vital sounds from the babies were strong and good. The first baby was causing me more pain with each contraction. The cleansing breaths and what I had learned seemingly helped. Dr. Crouse says I’m only experiencing mild labor pain so far.

I wanted to differ with her. Word came that my father, Ron, and Barb, as well as Anne, were all out in the waiting room. I didn’t think there was enough time for them to have arrived already but James told me, “It was two and a half hours ago since I called Sarah and asked her to call the others. Even James' Mom and Dad are already on their way.” Sarah was the next to have arrived.

I had been to ten centimeters a little while ago and I was being asked to push more and harder. With the next push, the pain jumped and Dr. Crouse announced the head was coming through the birth canal along with one shoulder. “Now push again and don’t let up until I say. …the shoulder is coming push, push harder. There it has slipped through and here she comes. She’s a darling.” Soon I hear her cry as the doctor lifts her and begins to pass her to the waiting nurse. “James would you please cut here between these two clips.” The cord is cut and shortly here comes her placenta.

Dr. Crouse steps back, and Cassie steps in to clean me up before the other baby begins to come. She tells me it can be a half hour, more likely one to three hours. I ask, “Can you tell which direction the baby is facing?” Dr. Crouse changes with Cassie and checks. “She has turned about all the way that we’d like.”

I could tell by her voice something was not as she wanted it. I asked, “So is there a problem?” No, the immediate response had me worried.

Dr. Crouse looked to Cassie and the nurse. “I think things will be okay but you need to cooperate with me. And if I need to change and take the baby; I want you to relax and cooperate. The cord is loosely around the baby’s neck. I hopefully can put my hand up there and slip it off. But I’d need to wait until it drops a bit and it might tighten.

"I could force myself up there and I’d probably take you some. My second choice is the other possibility is what I am leaning towards. My thought is before taking the baby by C-section, is that Cassie has narrow hands and much longer fingers. It would be her first time, but I am pretty sure she can do it.”

James and I begin to speak at the same time, “Doctor, we’d trust you and Cassie. We want her to see if she can do it.” They change positions, Cassie has changed gloves and is ready. “James and Jenny, I want you to go through your breathing exercises to help you relax as much as possible.” We are about through the exercise and I say to Cassie, “I think you can begin.”

Cassie says, “Be still and don’t push…” Cassie's hand had already begun, “I think I have it. It’s coming, it wants to slip but I’m in control.” She sighs, “Okay you can begin to push on the next set of contractions. …Here doctor.”

Dr. Crouse says, “You stay there and see this baby through the birth canal.” It takes another forty minutes though it seems like ten. Cassie is telling me to push and James helps me lean forward. “The head is crowning; she looks a little bigger but then I am not used to this yet. Push and keep pushing the baby’s head and shoulders are beginning to come. …Don’t let up, you’ve worked harder on the basketball court. ...Good relax a moment but not too much.” A contraction begins, Cassie just begins to ask and I am already pushing. James is encouraging me to continue. I have his hand and I am squeezing. He becomes quiet with his encouragement. Dr. Crouse asks me to push harder as Cassie’s announcing the shoulders and the baby coming out. The baby begins to cry as she puts the baby on my tummy. There’s the cry, doctor suctions out her nostrils and lightly wipes her. Cassie clips off the baby’s cord and asks if I want to cut the cord. I raise my shaking hand and opt not to. Cassie cuts it for me, “Ten toes and fingers everything looks good.”

Cassie looks up to James and me, “So is this baby Hope?”

I look to James and ask, “Would it be okay if we change it to Grace Margaret?” James gives me a warm kiss, “Honey you did beautifully. Grace is beautiful and fitting. I like the names.”

I say, “You only like the name?” James grins at me, “I love the name, I agreed joyfully with you it is her name. We have Faith and Grace and they are beautiful.”

Cassie turned to Dr. Crouse, “She is torn ever slightly. Do we need to stitch it?”

Dr. Crouse told Cassie no and suggests to James, “Dad, why don’t you go out and tell the others. Let us clean up Jenny and get her to her room. If you take your family and friends down to the cafeteria for breakfast. Jenny should be there by the time you get back.”

James asks, “How much do the babies weight?” I tell him 5 pounds and one ounce for Faith and five pounds and five ounces for Grace. They were both eighteen inches something for height.”

When I hear the doctor say they are both 18.25 inches, I ask, “Are they, identical twins?

Cassie said, “Grace has a dimple, I don’t remember about Faith.”

Dr. Crouse, “I’d call them identical, but let’s wait and see. Like your husband said Jenny, you did a beautiful job. I would hope you stop questioning if you’re a woman like the rest of us.”

I am in my room and the babies are being brought in by a young nurse. I soon become frustrated as Faith is reluctant to nurse. My nipple seems as large as her mouth. The nurse encourages me to be more firm in forcing Faith and upset with me when I am reluctant to force it more. An older nurse, Jane comes in and takes over. “Relax Mom we haven’t lost a mother or a baby to this.” She squeezes my nipple saying she’s sorry if it is uncomfortable. That the liquid that comes out is thicker than I thought milk should be.

She says, “This colostrum is especially important to the babies.” Faith’s lips are first wet with it and then the little tongue is responding to take it. The nipple is offered again and while she needs a little helping getting it in her mouth, she is now wanting to suck. When she shortly after she begins to get some, Jane takes her away.

It is now Grace’s turn to suckle from my left breast. She is also reluctant, but it is me who gently presses the nipple forcing the colostrum to begin coming. I am the one who pushes in the nipple into her cute little mouth. Mom, Marge Hamilton is in the room as I am nursing Grace. “O my Jenny you are such a beautiful Mom. You are glowing dear and Grace and Faith are both so beautiful.”

I say, “I see more of Sarah in her than James.”

Mom Hamilton says, “Their Dad looked a lot like his sister the first year. But they have your eyes and small hands, dear. It will be interesting to see if your Father remembers you as a baby. Whether he does or not you have a lasting imprint on the miracle of these two darling babies. Congratulations.”

It was the next day when the babies chomped down on my nipples and sucked hard enough and caused me pain. But I was also enjoying the fact that I could nurse. The day was very hot as I was wheeled outside to go home. I am surprised to see his Mom, the Grandmas in a horse-drawn carriage, drawn by my horse April pulling it. Fortunately, the sun is behind us and the carriage provides the needed shade from the sun.

Getting into the carriage took some effort, and I was concerned about trying to get down. Anne and Marge are there to hold the babies until I get down. I scoot over to the edge to begin getting down and James places his arms under me and lifts me up. He carries me all the way to the house.

His hug and kiss as he set me down, let me know I was loved as the woman of his heart. Sitting in the living area with a baby blanket over my shoulder and covering my breasts I nursed Grace and then Faith. Taking the time to burp them as well as change them when needed. James pulled the blanket away saying the girls nursing from me are beautifully natural.

The next day, Cassie stopped with Anne, Marcy and Dr. Heath. We sat around sharing with James how far I have come. There was a time neither them nor I were sure Jenny was hidden deep within Andrew. It took time, support and much more for Jenny to find her way to the surface.

We talked, About how many of us would ever find a mate to love us back or the friends and family we rightly deserve.

Life is just beginning for Jenny and her family.