I work in a corporate office complex. I graduated from college over a year ago last May and quickly got hired. However, as a junior in my department, I am working out in an office cubicle with the support staff. There are over a half dozen of us who often pal around after work and festively celebrate the holidays and weekends in ways our folks would not have.
This is going to be my second Halloween with this group. Low and behold, I said yes, to go to a Halloween party before I found out Rob and Hal opted out. I probably would have gone anyway.
We even are to stay at a hotel near the party, in case there’s too much drinking. In case, ha? We don’t drink to get drunk, but we drink enough that we don’t plan on driving or working the next day.
The hotel is a block away from the Blue Swan, the party site, in a good part of town. We suspect Rob and Hal might have chosen not to go with us because they see the Blue Swan as a gay/lesbian bar. While Jenn, Cara, Tess, and I know it as a friendly open bar with a good reputation. I’m straight and I think the others are though I’m not sure as it's no business of mine.
Jenn first suggested, “Hey John, since the rest of us going are women, why don’t you go to the Halloween Party as Little Bo Peep?” I said yes, thinking it would be funny. Besides I never come up with an original idea like this. I guess my image of Little Bo Peep was not the same as Jenn’s adult version.
I took a vacation day for Friday as I was sure it would be hard to get up and get going after the Halloween party. Tess said we could continue at the hotel and make it a fun weekend. I wasn’t planning on that but I had not made other plans, so it would be possible.
Come Thursday we work until one in the afternoon, the department boss allows us to take sick time for the remaining hours. The hotel rooms are available around 3:00 and Jenn asked me to be there shortly after 4:00 to get ready. The thought of women helping me to get ready with my costume was a bit exciting, to say the least.
Jenn greets me in our suite and tells me we’re sharing the same bathroom. She wanted me to hurry up so she could help me and still have time for herself. I flinched at the idea of shaving my legs, but Tess agrees with Jenn that it’s essential. I willingly, if begrudgingly agree.
Utilizing a gaff upset me, but Jenn’s justification was, “If we drink too much, we don’t want to be back here and tomorrow morning find out we had sex with you. Besides keeping you flat down the front, it will give you the feeling of being one of us girls.” Needless to say, she got her way. I hesitated again upon seeing the adult version of Little Bo Peep. Jenn does apologize, “I thought the dress would be the traditional long dress.” It wasn’t but with the frilly underpants, I was assured nothing really showed. Tess said, “The cheerleader's costume would definitely show more.”
I had checked the mirror and was surprised to see how nicely Jenn had made my face, The makeup, and my complexion made me appear as an attractive woman. I didn't see myself as a funny-looking woman.
We order room service but I was too nervous and couldn’t eat as I was becoming too nervous about how I looked like a woman. Come at 8:00 p.m. we’re making our final preparations. I have fixed myself a mixed drink using one of the little bottles in the room. Jenn redoes my makeup and even curls a few locks of my hair to drop precariously from around my bonnet. Cara said I make a convincing Little Bo Peep. A check in the mirror caused me frighteningly to agree. I only got to drink half of my second mixed drink as I was pulled along and we’re on our way to the Blue Swan pub.
Jenn’s a Caribbean Pirate, Cara is Athena, and Tess is a hot female devil; they each have theater-grade costumes. Jenn does remind me as we go in, “Remember to eat some appetizers, you want to have food in your stomach.” All of us usually hold our alcohol quite well so it was not a major concern to me.
I lose count of the number of women coaching me in having a feminine voice over the first hour and a half. They must have done a pretty good job as the next hour I have at least three dances with men. Using the women’s room isn’t a big deal except for the need to relieve my bladder and having to struggle with the costume. Well, there was an exception.
Someone named ‘Nessie’ helped me with my makeup. I thought maybe we might be together after the party as my next two dances are with her and my juices are flowing.
This time period goes from a little fuzzy to blank. The night was filled with warm feelings and a pair of hazel eyes.
It is now morning and I’m waking up in a hotel bedroom, but stretching my arms I hit the person next to me. I thought it would be Nessie. It’s a man and as I bring my hand back I feel he's an aroused man. I’m down to a bra and my panties, but the panties are the spare pair Jenn insisted upon.
“Hello,” the man says, “Welcome back to the world. Seemingly you needed your rest.” One of his hands was inside of my leg seeking to pull me, pull me his way. He was being deliberate but not at all forceful as he gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. It was when he moves to situate himself between my two legs and sought to lift my hips that an alarm goes off.
Now I speak up, “What do you think you’re doing? Where am I?”
He says, “Last night I told you I would need to do this again. It’s to prove to you that you’re willing and enjoy it.” He applies some gel to my slightly sore butt, but alas I’m not repulsed. As he begins to raise me, I raise my legs up to go around his body.
‘How, why did I think to do something like that?’
He begins to push himself into me and as I see his smiling face and his beautiful hazel eyes, I’m infatuated with him. I’m even remembering his name, Matthias. We kiss and we’re soon making love. Once again I feel all warm inside; Matt relaxes on me, I again speak up. “How can this be, I’m not gay. I don’t do these things.” I speak more strongly, “Where am I! Where have you lured me?”
Matt smiles, “You’re probably two floors above Jenn and the others. Jenn said, ‘Your sister Sheila should soon be here.’” I’m relieved in the thought, she would at least insist on me going to my room.
I say, “I need to get up and change and before I go with her.”
Mathias says, “I’d suggest you shower first. Then you can use your costume or you can use my robe. But I think your sister will be here before you get there.”
I begin to pull the sheet up around me as I seek to get up to make my way to the bathroom. There’s a knock at the door, it is Shelia saying, “John open up we need to talk. ...I know about you being there, please open up.”
Matthias opens the door, “Hi, I’m Matthias why don’t you come in and visit with Jean.”
My sister is caught off guard by me being called ‘Jean’ and she looks to me. “I heard he dressed as Jean and that he drank too much on an empty stomach.” She continued turning to Matt but speaks to both of us. “No disrespect but my brother doesn’t do this. I just felt a need to come up and make sure he wasn’t under any duress.”
Matt joked, “He has been under, but not in duress. I don’t regularly do this either but we hit it off last night and it has happened. Please don’t discount your brother or our being together.”
I never made it out of bed and Sheila was now sitting on the edge looking at me. I say, “Sheila this is Matthias Strass, Matt this is my sister Sheila Hulme. Thanks for caring Sis and I’m as surprised as you are. It was surprising for me to wake up this morning and I didn’t plan it. But I confess I wasn’t under duress being Jeanne with him.”
Sheila asks, “I hear you went to the Blue Swan, what were you expecting? I didn’t think you’re… um. Well liking men… um, or is it liking to be a girl?”
Finally, Matt suggested, “Why don’t you let Jeanne shower and get dressed, and then we can get some breakfast and visit over some coffee.”
Sheila gets up off the bed turns her head, “Get going, I won’t look.” She does step on the sheet and caused it to fall on my way to the bathroom.
Once I’m out of the shower, it’s awkward as the breast forms were still attached. 'How am I going to change into the clothes from Sheila?'
I’m the one surprised. The bag of clothes Sheila brought up from Jenn has a skirt and top outfit and more, but not my clothes. Matt said, “I guess that was my fault, I asked Jenn if she had an outfit you could wear. I assumed with your breasts you need to dress this way. So I asked for a skirt outfit.”
I asked, “Sheila please go back to the other room, my room and get my clothes and the stuff to help get these off.”
Sheila grinned, “Jenn and the others were on their way out. After they gave me this bag, they asked if I needed anything else. I told them no, and they left. You will need to make do being a regular girl or getting back into the Bo Peep costume that I'd like to see.”
She helped me with my makeup and hair. Neither she nor I could get over how much I look like our Mom. Sheila and I both have her fine features. I had to use the toilet and because of the kind of gaff I’m wearing, I need to sit and wipe. I can’t believe how a simple act is a turn-on to me.
When I come back out Matt asked, Sheila, to give us 15-20 minutes. I wonder why we’d need that much time.
He opened his arms after she left and I step into them, again mesmerized as I look into his eyes and await his kiss. Matt stepped back and is holding my hands. “I can’t believe I am asking this, but I’ve fallen in love with you. Jeanne, will you please marry me?”
I can’t believe he asked, nor can I believe my hesitation to quickly answer him. I know, it should be a quick ‘No’. But the longer I paused feelings welled up inside of me, Jeanne. I say, “Yes, I love you too.” Did I just say that I must have as the joy is overwhelming? Matt lifts me and whirls me around as we kiss.
I pick up my purse and look for my lipstick. My lipstick isn’t messed as it was set to dry and it's a very good lipstick. We walk down to the lobby. I meet with Sheila as Matt checked out. Sheila asked, “Jean had you ever met Matt before?”
I didn’t say anything because I remembered, Matt and I had met at a conference a few weeks before. ‘I had been taken then by how well he spoke at the conference, carried himself, and how he looked. I hadn’t thought of it as anything special then. I do remember I went out of my way to meet him. I didn’t know then he was gay until I heard a woman say to another, "I wouldn't mind being with him." And another woman replied, "I hear he's not your type. I hear he's into others like himself." Then again I was surprised by my desire to just meet and say hello to him.’
When we go out front, Sheila and I are both surprised to see a Jaguar awaiting us. All I know is Jaguars are expensive. I don’t know if this Jaguar XJ is special or not. Matt opens the door for both of us and as we’re getting in he asked me, “Did you tell her?”
Sheila quickly asks, “Tell me what?” I hesitate in saying anything and once Matthias was in the car, he realized I hadn’t.
“We’ll tell you as we have one stop before the restaurant.” We stop in front of the best jewelry store in York. I quickly remember something my Mom had said long before when I was a young boy. We didn’t stop at this jewelry store because it was much too expensive. I know since the recession it has catered to a broader range of customers but it is still the elite jewelry store here.
Sheila’s eyes are like saucers as we go in. Matt finds the diamond rings. I look for prices but they are not readily visible. Matt turns to Sheila, “I’ve asked Jeanne to marry me and she has said yes. I hope you will help us in selecting an appropriate engagement ring.”
I am waiting for Sheila to scream or get angry. She does take her own time looking at me and then Matthias and back to me. I finally speak up, still using Jeanne’s voice, “He said he loves me and asked me to marry him.” I am trying to find better words but finally plainly say, “I love him too and I said, ‘Yes, I love you. Please don't be upset with me.”
She joyfully says, “Congratulations Sis! I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am moved by how happy you two are.”
It took us a good amount of time to find the right ring, diamond, and to size it. I have never really noticed rings before. Oh, several friends have gotten engaged or married and I saw their rings. But as a guy, I hadn’t been very interested and just complimented them that their ring was nice or beautiful. But as I look today one is prettier than another until I know that I have found the most wonderful ring for me. It isn’t gaudy nor the biggest diamond. I couldn’t believe Mathias was willing to pay nearly twenty thousand dollars for the ring. But I am tickled he does.
It was mentioned we would need to bring it back to be properly sized but Matthias wanted to show our parents. “Parents! My parents, what will they say?"
Matt said, “After my mother gets over the shock of hearing I’m getting married; I think she’ll love you and insist we get a better ring. What do you think your Mom will say?”
I say, “I’m not sure how to approach it. I’m afraid she’ll die of shock. I don’t know how to tell her and my Dad, that their son John is Jeanne, let alone that I’m engaged to be married to you.”
I look at Sheila. Sheila said, “It is a beautiful ring. While Mom is shocked, I think she’ll love the ring and have no trouble understanding why you love Matthias.”
Sheila paused, “I’m sorry but I thought you showing up at the house unannounced would not be the wise way to go. Dad’s being gone might be helpful. But I called and Mom is expecting us. She wants to meet her daughter as well as your fiance.”
I am quite happy that Sheila had called ahead. Still, I can’t believe we are on our way there. The neighbors notice the Jaguar driving up into our driveway. Our Dad is in upper management so our house is quite nice. Mom greets the three of us at the door. I know she’s in shock but she greets me with open arms and a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. It is almost like everything was normal.
Mom asked, “Jeanne come with me to my room, we need a private conversation first.” Mom pats the bed next to her asking me to sit. “Your sister said you went to a costume party, so tell me about meeting Matthias and your becoming engaged to him. I didn’t know you’re gay, so this was quite a surprise.” She was still holding her composure and I didn't see any anger.
“Mom, I know it’s hard to believe. I’m not gay though Matthias is and I’m engaged as Jeanne, not John. I went to the costume party with Jenn, Cara, and Tess from work. They talked me into going as Little Bo Peep. I had been drinking but I wasn’t drunk. I am not quite sure when we started to dance together. Our group stayed pretty much together until later in the evening. I don’t think you want me to go into it more, I’d be embarrassed.”
Mom insists, “My child gets engaged, don’t worry I’m interested in your story.”
“Well,” I say, “I woke up this morning in Matt’s room not quite sure where I was or what happened. It felt strange when I realize I was in bed with Matt. He kissed me on the cheek and said he needed to do something we did the night before. Um… Um…”
I pause until my mother insists I go on. “Well, I told him I wasn’t like that, but when he was in between my legs, lifting my hips and um. Well, when he was in me and he was coming down on me that I saw his eyes and smile.”
“You won’t understand but I became infatuated with him and knew I loved him and the feelings just burst inside of me. It was love at first sight, I’m taken with him, Mom. I know that sounds strange and you won’t understand.”
Mom raises a finger to my lips for me to hush, “I do understand, but it’s a woman’s story as are your feelings. Your response was that of a woman in love.”
She continues, “I agree, I don’t see you as being gay. It seems strange to me. I don’t understand how, but I think being Jeanne becomes you. Let’s go back out and visit with your fiance.”
Mom asked me to pour cups of tea and to ask Matthias if he wanted coffee or tea. She’s putting some cookies on a plate. We are sitting in the living room talking. I’m on the love seat next to Mathias. Mathias tells how he wants my help to watch over some of the family businesses and do some investing.
Mom says, “You are a young man, not even thirty I suspect. How much investing could you be doing?”
Matthias says, “I am twenty-eight and I started investing before I was fifteen. My record in the time since is better than any in the family including our investors. I suspect you are wanting to make sure I can properly support your daughter. I assure you, I will do that and more.”
He said, “My mother will like your protective nature. I cannot wait till you two meet.”
Mom looks at her watch, “Sheila are you willing to take your sister shopping. She’ll need three dresses or outfits to just get started. I doubt if she’ll know the extras and everything else she will need?”
I speak up, “Mom, we haven’t had anything to eat yet.”
Mom looks at Matthias, “Is that true, you haven’t gotten her breakfast. Sit down and I will get something to eat for all of us.”
Matthias asks, “I will take all of us to get something to eat. Do you want something Asian or Italian?”
Sheila spoke up, “Mom, we need to go out to eat. You need to ride in his beautiful car. I let Mom have the front seat.” Mom says no, but the rest of us agree and she sits upfront.
We are soon at Bel Paese Italian Ristorante. Instead of remarking about the car, my Mom complimented me on how I get in and out of the car. I tell her that Sheila had already grilled me as did my friends the night before.
The meal was great but my needing to get some clothes constantly comes up. I am very nervous as we go shopping. Mom takes my hand and squeezes it lightly, “Relax and enjoy, you present yourself quite well as a young woman. You will be fine.” The words and Mom’s attention were comforting to me.
Matthias suggests we get at least two very nice outfits, one for meeting his folks and another for a dinner. Before we went looking for dresses, Matthias asked if there was any need for shape-wear I should be wearing. I’m surprised as mother and Sheila hurriedly trip saying "Yes." Mom looks at me and says, “You’re not fat but you could use losing ten pounds and have something bring in your waist.”
I did imagine this morning about getting some skirts and dresses to fit my new identity, but three pieces of shapewear were not part of it. Putting on my clothes over a camisole, a half-slip does wonders to change my mind. Mom guessed that I was now wondering about getting some nice breast forms. She said, “When you are home next, we will go looking to fill those cups, but we will be realistic.”
I get a black dinner dress, a dark blue satin skirt and a beautiful white satin blouse with lace. That’s when Sheila comes carrying a gorgeous summer print dress and mother insists I model it. It is a beautiful dress but it shows off my legs way too much. Sheila said, “Tell me you wouldn’t like to be in that cute number next to Matthias?”
We got three more skirts, more blouses, and tops. Mom encourages Matt to sit down as we will begin the tedious shopping of getting more panties, bras, sleepwear, shoes, stockings, pantyhose, makeup, and more.
I think I am home free when Sheila requested I sit upon a stool near the jewelry area. I begin to protest when she asks my preference in diamond ear studs.
I asked, “Am I just getting one pair to start, or do you think it would be alright to get two in each ear?”
The woman helping me comments, “That is a beautiful ring, when are you getting married?”
Sheila comments, “She doesn’t know, she just became engaged this morning.”
Bonnie steps away and is soon back. She pierces my ear and puts in a larger diamond stud. “It is humble in relation to your ring, but this is more suitable to go with it.”
Mom says, “You can’t do that. That is fine jewelry.”
The woman turns to Mom, “Mrs. Hulmes, I am the manager of the jewelry department. It is my pleasure to celebrate your daughter’s engagement.” Mom can only say thank you.
Mom later tells me, “Bonnie knew I only had one daughter and she saw Sheila there.” Mom did promise we would be back for more jewelry. Bonnie told my Mom, “Congratulations and I compliment you on accepting her as your daughter. I can’t say I saw this coming, but it seems to naturally fit her now.
Once we are back at the house, Mom asked Matthias, “Was it your hope to introduce my daughter to your parents yet tonight, or do I have her until morning?”
Matt said, “I would love to allow her to stay here tonight, but I do not want word of our engagement to reach them before I can introduce her. We have been to too many public places today; so I would rather go now than to wait and chance the news getting to them before I can tell them.”
Mom asked Sheila’s help to help me pack. They send me to the shower with encouragement to freshen up especially well. Sheila checks on me while I’m in the shower and she has me shave a few areas that I and my friends had missed. Sheila helped me to brush out my hair and show me how to apply my makeup. “Please, tomorrow keep it simple and do not use too much makeup. I hope they love you as we do him.”
We are in the car by 6:00 p.m. and on our way to the Strass home in Brynn Mawr west of Philadelphia. Matthias wakes me with a kiss five minutes before we arrive. It is shortly after seven-thirty that we arrive through the beautiful wrought iron gates driving up to the front steps of a mansion.
His mother, Ruth, and sister, Rebecca come out to greet us. His mother was looking at me up and down, and I was becoming more nervous by the second. She gave us a softening smile, "I apologize young lady. Matthias dear, will you introduce me to this young lady?”
He said, “Mother, I apologize for coming unannounced but I wanted to introduce her in person, this is my fiancee, Jeanne Hulme. Jeanne this is Ruth Anne Strass my mother and Rebecca Anne my sister.” We are encouraged to follow them into the house. There's a large receiving room where wine, cheese, and bread were offered to us. I take the lead of Rebecca as I sit straight up, not allowing my back to hit the back of my chair. I have seen this in other girls and I’m determined to correct my posture and sit up properly.
Ruth Strass suggested to her son to sit while she toured me through the house. “Ms. Hulme may I show you the house. I have someone preparing a room for you next to Matthias. I hope you do not mind that we gave it a strong touch of femininity. I do like how you carry yourself. …Do you enjoy many of the finer things?”
I joyfully respond before I begin to turn shy, “Yes! From the way I see your son, to beautiful clothes, from the beautiful gardens; I see here your touch in this house. I do confess, I have much to learn. I did not know Matthias has so much. When he said he invested; I thought I too have a savings account. I hope you can be patient with me. I’d love to be a daughter-in-law you can be proud of?” Most of the rooms are nearly two-three times what I am used to. My bed will have four high posts and the finery to make it look like a princess’s bed.
She said, “Once we announce your engagement, you might be asked to stay in the carriage house for propriety’s sake. I am not naive enough to think he won’t be with you. You might as well let him in, we would not want him to please himself elsewhere.”
My expressions must give my discomfort away. Rebecca speaks up, “We are not shy in speaking up around here when we’re to ourselves. We know my brother and I for one am tickled he has fallen in love with someone so much a woman. If you don’t mind, I will help you shop for clothes appropriate for society. Don’t worry we’ll use Daddy’s money. My Mom and I will be happy to help you be a refined woman here. Would you enjoy that? We will not force you to be anyone other than who you are as Matthias’ fiancee.”
We have walked into Rebecca’s room that is nicely kept but has an eloquent dress that has been worn and lying on a chair. I pick up the dress, holding it out, I dance in a circle hugging the dress. “Oooh, I see you have much to teach me that I will love.”
Ruth speaks up, “Would you mind becoming a little better endowed?”
“Um, my mother, sister, and Matthias have already spoken about that and I agreed. I do want to be a lady and not one overly endowed for his pleasure.”
Ruth and Rebecca nod, “That is without saying. You will be a beautiful young woman that both your mothers can be proud of. Less than that demeans first you and then us, I hope you are mature enough not to allow it to be otherwise. This will be a change for Matthias, but if he loves anyone enough to change, it seems to be you.”
We walk through a large kitchen, and Ruth speaks up again. “We like family to know their way around a kitchen, how to care for the home and one’s guests. If you love the garden do not think yourself above a little dirt or hair blown out of place. We think it is as important as knowing how to present oneself. We don’t particularly like pretentious women who can’t do anything.”
I sighed and let out a big breath. "It sounds like there is much to live up to, but I'm thankful perfection isn’t it."
There is a reception room where hot tea was present, but so are three tall glasses and wine. It was just us three and a simple conversation. Mrs. Strass asks, “Would you mind if you were to give up your present work and work with the Strass Foundation and be active in doing some projects and causes you would enjoy doing?”
Joyfully a new world is opening up for the good, but it is coming so fast. It was hard to take it all in and not giggle joyfully.
We are back to Matthias and he hugs me. “Did you enjoy the tour? You seem to have enough estrogen that my mother and sister like you already.”
I look at him, “Yes, I am enjoying this. Do you still love me?” He draws me close, gives me a big hug, and kisses me. Whispering, “Yes, it feels great for both of us. It is extra nice that Mom and Becky are coming under your magic charm.”
Rebecca interrupts and asks, “I hope you’re going to stay for a few days? We’d like to help the future Mrs. Strass to get acclimated with some of a woman’s necessities.”
Jean Joseph (Joe) Strass and his wife Claudette and the senior Mr. Henri Joseph Strass come into the house. All are cordial and warm though maybe with some reservations, they welcome Matthias and me. Everyone takes their cue from Ruth. “Henri, Claudette, and Joe, with joy I introduce you to Matthias’s fiancee Jeanne Hulme. I think she will become a precious addition to the family... Claudette, are our grandchildren here?”
Ruth said, “Jeanne, I hope you like children. We love to hear their voices and activity fill the house when we are a family.”
Claudette welcomes me with an air kiss to each cheek. She whispers her welcome. She and Rebecca take me off with them. “If I did not know Matthias, I would naturally see you as a woman. I don’t want to be rude nor to make assumptions, but I see you as a transgender woman. Am I accurate?”
“Since I fell in love with Matthias, I don’t think I’ll ever go back.”
Rebecca asks, “You look tired, has it been a long day?”
"We shared our engagement with my family, did a lot of shopping. Including this beautiful ring, but Matthias wanted to make sure we got here to share our news with his parents and family.”
Claudette asks, “And when did he propose to you. I hope this is not a Halloween stunt.”
“He asked me after he wooed me off my feet this morning. His eyes mesmerized me as we kissed. I could not believe he was proposing to me. It is not a Halloween stunt, nor did I know he or his family were wealthy.”
I begin to cry at the thought of what they might think of me. Claudette and Rebecca hug me as they take me to my room. Someone asks, “It would be good for you to shower and freshen up. Do you have a nightgown and robe you can change to?”
I say, “I can’t, what will everyone think?”
Claudette’s voice is lite, “The women already understand that your emotions and all this activity have caught up to you. I suspect you have eaten only a little to go with the wine. Did you have a glass or two at noon?”
I try to comply as I walk toward my bathroom, but the buttons of my blouse give me difficulty. “They are small and on the wrong side.” Rebecca comes and helps me, “Don’t worry Sis I am comfortable helping you.” She is happy and remarks first how slim I am.
“But I needed the shapewear, and others say I need to lose weight.”
“You are already attractive. I promise you as you look for wedding gowns, you are the one who will insist on dropping the pounds. Be reasonable with yourself.” She looks as the shapewear peels away, “You present your girl-self well. I like this, it will allow us to sun together as well as enjoy some other times.”
I stepped into the shower that Becky had already started. The shower door closes behind me and she says, “It is a joy to be here for you. Jeanne, you have not only won my brother’s heart, but you have also won me as your sister.”
My emotions and feelings wash over me like the shower water. I stand under the water, crying and I cannot stop. I know Claudette has entered the bathroom to see if I’m hurt or in trouble. Becky announces, “She just needs to cry; I hope you’re in no hurry, Claudia.” It becomes like a girls’ time as they assure me it is normal and that both of them have learned to enjoy a good cry at times.
I shampooed and conditioned my hair as suggested, but Claudette wants proof that I rinse my hair sufficiently. When I let her check she’s pleasantly amused, “O you are going to make such a beautiful bride for Matthias and sister to us. That is if he allows you to obtain some additional assets and to be made over for your self-image.”
“It shouldn’t be his decision about my body, should it? I agree with what you are thinking. He might not want my little guy to change. He and I can talk about that I love him dearly.” Claudia and Rebecca’s eyes indicate I’m sharing more than they’re ready for.
It was a few days later and we were together watching a football game. I and Becky are wearing the new NFL jerseys for women. Matthias pulls me down on top of him. I continue to love his attention as our relationship is hot and still deepening. But I’m uncomfortable with how he shows it around family. We have been to several LGBT places where it is expressed overtly, but I don’t like that around his family or mine.
I slap Matt’s hands and tell him to stop. I get up and walk out, Claudia comes following me. “Jenny you need to know that we’ve come to accept Matthias and his ways as being different. I hope you can relax and accept that. We don’t want that tearing you apart.”
“Claudia, I love him and I like his attention, but if our engagement is going to hold he needs to have respect for our families and me. I'm used to that kind of attention being between him and me. Nieces and nephews, our parents, and your understanding shouldn’t have to be stretched that far.”
Becky heard us and asks, “What if he can’t or is unwilling?”
“Matt’s an intelligent as well as a very passionate romantic. I don’t intend to lose him or walk away. If I’m wrong that he and I can’t have healthier boundaries around family and friends, I probably would pull away.”
I lift my eyes back to Claudia and she’s looking past me. I just said, "Mathias is there isn’t he?” I’m worried because he doesn’t like being embarrassed in front of others. I turn to Mathias and he gives me a warm hug, drawing me to him.
“You’re right, I’m passionate about what I want. I’ve also become accustomed to how I go about things. But as you say I’m intelligent and I know enough that you’re different from the other guys I have liked. I like the mix you bring to our relationship and I love you.”
His voice is soft, uncertain, “I’m having trouble changing; you’re not like my other friends. You’re right, I pushed boundaries with my parents and the family. I wanted to be accepted on unconditional terms. I am comfortable with their love for me and I love their acceptance of you.”
Matthias speaks up, “When we're at our places with friends I will push you to realize not only me but many in the LGBT community are different. Yes, we tend to be different from others. I hope you can see it that way.”
I’m growing, getting comfortable in being part of the LGBT community, after all, I’m a trans-woman. Matt’s not interested in other trans-women. His preference apart from me is men, and when he’s out with the guys he’s out with people he’s attracted to that share common interests like sports and good cars.
It is the Sunday before Christmas and we’re at my parent’s house with both families when Matt goes to his knees to propose to me again. He takes off my ring and gives me another that is even more beautiful. “Jeanne, you know I love you and you know who I am. Will you marry me and be my love for life?”
“I do.”
Matthias speaks again, “Mom and Dad Hulme, we plan to get married at my folk's place early in June. We have bought a home here in York as I’ve let go of my apartment here. We’ll usually stay at my folks’ carriage house when we’re in the Philly area before we get a place there.”
I speak up, “Mom and Dad, most are going to see us as a gay couple and I see myself as your daughter.” I am the one most people will wonder about in my engagement with Matthias." I think my folks hoped it would be passing and that I couldn’t be a girl. “My being in a gay relationship may still be hard for some to accept. It is no longer a question for me, and I think family and friends need to accept me and our engagement.”
This is a different story for me. I will appreciate kudos, comments and personal messages.
(This story, is in response to comments and PM, is connected to ‘A Halloween Engagement’. It is strongly suggested you read that story to better appreciate this one… Comments would be appreciated.)
Jeanne had been named Jean, the French spelling for John. He grew up known as John… Unbeknown to most he liked the idea of being Jeanne. It was this Halloween that the secret was out because his life had changed...
=^..^=
Matthias, since he was ten knew he liked other boys, but this man he called Jeanne was more like a woman. Yet Matthias swept him/her off his feet and quickly knew he was in love forever. Really? Those who knew either one wondered if it came too fast and if I was for real. Though most usually said little to nothing negative to either of them.
Part of contacting Psychologist Dr. Maggie Moritz was to appease friends or family who had been questioning John/Jeanne and her engagement to Mathias. Much of the decision came from talking with John's Mom, sister and his own desire to confirm the decision. He knew there was more behind it. It felt so right though even he accepted it seemed a bit crazy.
It was the third and fourth visits that Maggie helped Jeanne get a handle on things. Maggie observed, “When you talk about going to the conference there are pauses when the focus goes to Matthias. What’s in those gaps?” Jeanne tried to remain quiet, but she noticed a change in Maggie’s facial expression. She remained quiet, yet gently looked for Jeanne to speak.
Jeanne had some thoughts pertaining to Mathias had continued since the conference. The question that remained, was why John was so determined and went over to meet Mathias at the conference? Jeanne had started to give Maggie the same simple answers she had been giving everyone. Then she pauses.
She asked, “What were those feelings that caused you to pause?”
Jeanne said, “It’s silly but I guess I’m safe telling you?” I pause knowing I was catching my breath and working up the courage to say what I really wanted too.
“I had conveniently forgotten what had driven me at a conference but it was to meet Mathias personally. Several women were talking and one said that he was good at investing. Another woman said, “He could invest in her.” And the other woman softly spoke, “I hear he’s more likely to invest in another man.”
She told, Maggie, “It wasn’t why I went over to say hello and meet him, but part of me had jumped to the fact I found him attractive.”
She wasn’t thinking or worried about what she was saying, “There was a time years ago, I wondered if I might be gay because I thought it would be neat to be a girl. But that was when I was young and I was teased because I was more like my sister than my brother and dad. However I never felt attracted to a boy, so I knew I wasn’t. That was until that conference.”
Maggie says, “So you found yourself attracted to Matthias, how so?”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that but I did think he’s attractive in a way a girl sees him. He’s manly and strong but not like a Neanderthal. He’s intelligent and he listens like he values what a person might have to say. I had purchased his booklet, ‘Investing for Today and Tomorrow’. And he signed it for me.”
Maggie asked, “When you were younger what made you like the thought of being a girl?”
I say, “When the boys chose teams I wasn’t always chosen so I played with the girls and younger boys. They made me feel welcome. I often played with Jayne, Darlene and then the Cline girls after their dad built a house across the street. Their Mom always made Cathy, Mary and Sally wear skirts or dresses, even when they played.”
Maggie came back to things like this my next visit. “My sister Sheila teased me and once suggested I wear one of her old skirts. After I didn’t say ‘No’ she insisted I wear one in her room. Once, she did that and my Mom caught me and made me go out and play dressed in the skirt. Luckily the Clines had us play in their backyard and it was just girls.”
He said, “They agreed with me girl clothes were more colorful. Jayne’s cousin was visiting and she used makeup on me. I didn’t really mind though as a boy it was embarrassing. I stopped that when I was in sixth grade.”
Maggie asked, “Did you continue to cross dress after that?”
“I told you, I stopped it then?”
She said, “Does that mean you didn’t do it when you were alone?” Jeanne had become silent and knew somehow she knew he hadn’t.
Jeanne asked, “Did my sister or Mommy tell you? I thought my sister had never talked to you and I didn’t think my Mommy knew.”
Maggie said they hadn’t, “It is up to you to tell me if you did and what motivated you?” I'm embarrassed as Jeanne and she somehow knew that I had given it away.
“I really did stop for a long time. Then once I was home sick and my Mom had to leave and do something. That was when my desire again became too strong to resist. My sister had worn a real pretty outfit the day before and I knew it was in the laundry. It was big on me but it still looked real nice. Since then I did it now and then.”
Maggie pauses, “Did you ever imagine when you were dressed up that a boy found you to be a pretty girl?”
“I told you, I never saw a boy I was attracted to.” She asked, “But did you ever imagine that it happened?” She was quiet until Jeanne, I, acknowledged, “Yes, but I would feel bad about it later. I knew my thoughts weren’t right for a boy.”
“What did the girl, you imagined to be, thinking?”
I told her, “She liked it. She tried to convince me she’s really me. I liked it a lot until when I imagine it something happened and well the feeling in my body became too much. I couldn’t imagine I’d find a guy I was attracted to and that he found me as his love.”
Maggie asked, “What was the girl’s name or what did you call her?”
Jeanne said, “Even then I liked being called Jeanne. I was always her but no one needed to know.”
It was near the end of that visit Maggie asks, “What did you think when you woke up in bed with Matthias?”
“I was very happy though it was hard to believe I actually did it. I was tired of hiding and I had wondered if I would ever have the nerve to do it. I was happy that night that I followed my heart. I had felt attracted to him when I saw him at the conference. Then I recognized him at the Halloween party, his costume was simple. We danced earlier in the night. When we danced again he seemed to know me. He treated me like the woman I wanted to be with him. I needed a drink to keep my courage. But I was not fighting Mathias, I was fighting my fears.”
“When I woke up in the morning and Matthias got up over me. I was sure the night before was real and not a dream. I couldn’t believe I had actually followed through.”
I pause wondering if Maggie was repulsed or wanted to question me about what had happened. Jeanne continued to tell Maggie, “It was then my sister came in his room and I did not shrink from being me that I felt real good that she had seen me and not laughed. When my sister stepped out to wait for us. I was not sure what would happen. I was surprised that he proposed to me. I told him, ‘Jeanne says, I love you to.’ He left no doubt Jeanne was being proposed to.”
“When Matthias proposed, it was like everything was out of control. I said yes because I wanted too, but I didn’t know how to tell others, especially those important to me. They wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to argue with people, so I just acted like I had changed for no known reason.”
“When people saw me happy and relaxed; it was like they saw another side of me. They thought it was sudden, but they liked Jeanne, as I did. That whole day was wondrous and things kept going and changing. It might have been too fast, but things kept falling in place. It seemed better to take each step than risk it would stop and not be.”
Finally the time with Maggie that session only stopped because she had another client.
Jeanne had agreed to meet Jenn and Cara from work after my session and their work day. Jenn and Cara complimented how sharply Jeanne was dressed. She had a simple shirt-like blouse but I was showing some cleavage."
Jenn said, “You have grown so much in a short time. I can tell you’re thinking more as one of us.”
Jenn was becoming a regular girl friend. Cara was still a friend but Jeanne could tell she still saw him as Jeanne in a way she was not open to tell him. Jeanne waited until Cara left before she was comfortable talking about her visit with Dr. Maggie. Jenn, “Thank you for trusting me like a best girlfriend. You seem to know as Jeanne, it is good not to just trust anyone.”
Mathias was worried Jeanne might be down after her counselling session and planned a quiet dinner out to start the evening. She enjoyed getting back to her apartment. She had a relaxing shower, changed her cosmetics to be more colorful and her outfit was warmer as well as fancier. Red tights to show off her legs above her heeled boots and under the seasonably short skirt. She was sure they would go over to the Blue Swan before returning to the apartment of one or the other. We decided come April we would share the new apartment that Mathias had rented.
Jeanne was glad that he allowed her to help make it our apartment beginning in March.
They were not sharing their journeys, including the insights Jeanne gained through counseling. Family was relieved somehow knowing they had begun to think things through more thoroughly. Even the guys who had vied for Matt’s attention were more relaxed. Those who wanted be friends stayed around, others moved on. Jeanne knew that Matthias had kept some friends who had been very close, though she was not sure if they were any longer intimate.
Mathias’ sister Rebecca was happy that they would put off our marriage, first until September or October. Finally they set the date for an April wedding of the following year. It would give Rebecca time for her wedding and coming marriage to be celebrated, center stage with nothing looming before or closely after their wedding.
She was happy and took Jeanne to one of her fittings and she showed me her gown and all that was distinctively, beautifully hers. When Jeanne asked if it was satin and lace. Rebecca had her feel the material before she said, “It is all silk and beautifully adorned with real precious stones.” That stopped Jeanne from asking if they were rhinestones on the gown. Someone mentioned they were not all diamonds. Jeanne could tell the dark blue stones were sapphires but she did not know that jade from Thailand was special.
Mother Strass was proud that Jeanne took time to listen. “Young lady, you are on a big learning curve. I appreciate you being here and not worrying about all that you might or might not know. I know Mathias who usually doesn’t care about these things, appreciates that you are growing as a woman as well as the love in his life.”
Rebecca squeezed my hand as she said, “My Mom is taken with you. We would like to know if you are open to being fitted with for a Bridesmaids gown and acting as my sister and being part of my bridal party?”
Jeanne teared up, “These are tears of joy. Yes, I would be overwhelmed to be asked. And yes, I welcome the idea of becoming your sister. Mother Strass, I know you hoped I would just smile and say yes.”
Jeanne was given the jade green gown that could easily be worn for an evening out among society, to the opera or as Ma Strass suggested an evening in Washington, D.C. or the Lincoln Center in New York. Jeanne was slipping into the gown as she noticed someone was entering. She turned to see her mother. Mrs. Strass spoke to Mrs. Hulme, “I invited you to come see how your daughter will look as a bridesmaid.”
My Mom’s hands came up to my face as she mouthed, “O my you are beautiful darling.” Though Jeanne had not heard her, she said, “Thanks Mom, I appreciate that.” Mrs. Strass explained that two bridesmaids would wear the jade green gowns, two would wear the sapphire blue gowns and two would have ruby red gowns. Somehow their colors were special for Rebecca.
The seamstress measured Jeanne and fitted her then but requested me come back to be fitted again two weeks before the wedding. “I have seen a picture of you from last November or December. You're a maturing young woman. I want to encourage that transformation without you worrying about the gown for Rebecca’s wedding. I suspect you will be about five to seven pounds lighter and proportioned more like the woman you are growing to be.”
My Mom stepped forward, “She is doing you a favor.” The two hold hands as her Mom gazes at me and I could not help but feel special like I'm Rebecca's sister. “Thanks Mom, I find myself needing you in ways I had only dreamed of but never thought would happen.”
Sheila and Jeanne were to go out to dinner, but Sheila said she had a message to stop at Jenn’s place before they went to dinner. Jenn welcomed them in and when Sheila quickly took off her coat and became comfortable, Jeanne knew something was up.
Cheese, wine and bread were on Jenn’s table.
Jenn said and Sheila shook her head in affirmation, “You’ve talked to both of us about your future and you have consistently talked about what Matthias wants. We would like to talk about what you would like. You have talked about your becoming a woman and that Mathias wants you to keep your male side. We’re not experts about men loving each other and you do not owe us to explain things. We are concerned about you wrestling through what you want as a young woman.”
Jeanne sighs in relief, she gets infrequent opportunities apart from Dr. Maggie to focus on herself. She walks over to pour a red wine, and to pick out a piece of cheese and bread. It had become one of her favorite combinations of comfort food. She steps out of her heels as she relaxes in a chair with her knees together and her feet curled under her. She said to them, “You knew I would have stewed about this if I knew beforehand. Thanks.”
Jenn and Sheila sighed in relief. “While I think I’d like to fully embrace my female identity as Jeanne in time. I’m in no hurry. I want to remain as I am and become comfortable with me as I am now first. And yes, I know it is as Mathias likes me.”
Sheila spoke up, “We’re worried that the longer you put off speaking up, the less likely it will ever happen. That your identity as a couple will always be what Matthias wants.”
“You were right earlier, you don’t know what men together want, nor do you know what a gay man and a transgendered woman want. We do talk like other lovers or couples and don’t feel a need to explain that. But you’re close to being a sister and my best girlfriend, so I don’t mind talking some about me.”
Jeanne said, “Matt, from what I gather, is not the average guy. While he likes his way, he’s sensitive; we’re both growing and changing. Some of my changes are more physically obvious. I’m not sure you want to get into the hygiene aspects or how it is sexually.”
I say, “Someday, I think I’d like to outwardly appear completely female, but if it doesn’t happen it would probably be that I’ve fallen in love with how I am and decide to stay this way. Truth is, I do love being this way with our relationship as it is.”
Jeanne focuses on them, “I also love my girl times with you two. You’re my role models as Jeanne, and talking and just being with you is important as it is for any woman. Probably more so, because as Jeanne I didn’t really grow up and gain an understanding of what it is being me.”
She said, “You both know I’m on a hormone regimen and I’m changing. I don’t think male wise it is likely I would develop beyond where I am. More likely as I mature as a woman my maleness will likely continue to diminish. Where I’m at in that or expect to be down the road, I’d rather not tell you. That is between Matthias and me.”
During the evening and as they talked about their guys, Jeanne heated up like they did. Her breasts became very warm and her nipples became aroused as did her sister’s and Jenn’s as they thought of sensual times with their men.
Jeanne liked the change of conversation as it turned to how Sheila was the one who allowed Zach to stay away from commitment and she stayed in a relationship contrary to her wishes. It turned out that someone else was growing more important in her life. As well as Jenn and Jeanne’s influence on her.
Because of Jeanne, Jenn acknowledge she had wrestled with the possibility of her being attracted to women. She was at least thankful she had wrestled through that. As Jeanne knew she has a few guys she likes, but has no desire at this time of getting serious, male or female.
Jeanne said as the night ended, “As John I could never have gone the night without eating or calling bread, cheese and wine a meal or this an evening. I am glad I have you two. My life has changed even apart from Matthias.”
The first time I went to New York City was interesting as Becky was always Rebecca and Jeanne became Jeannette. One new credit card already had her name as Jeannette Strass. Another as Jeanne Hulme as Jeanne already had changed her identification to Jeanne Hulme before the turn of the year.
Ma Strass wants Jeanne to have a small wardrobe befitting Society that was the main reason for the trip to Madison Avenue. That meant no less than six dresses to get her through winter, a minimum of six evening dresses for spring. The fitting for foundation garments came early. Jeanne loved them as they allowed her to embrace her female image more easily as she tried on new clothes.
Matthias would enjoy talking her out of anything she’d wear. Though he became more discrete and private on how he did that, they remained warm and passionate toward one another.
Having a nice selection of delicates became a joy as Jeanne had been severely bitten by the shopping bug. Wearing a dress a second time is something Jeanne would do, but not usually within a few weeks of the last time. It provided reason for Jeanne to go shopping for something new.
It was an evening in January when Mathias took Jeanne to Sisters in Philadelphia; being fairly sure she would be invited to dance by another woman. Jeanne was ready to decline the invite, when Mathias suggested she might want to. Though Jeanne’s body had started to appear more feminine Leia greeted Jeanne, “Please come back here if you become too much of a woman for Matt. But don’t let him fool you, he too can be a softy.” When asked about that Leia gave a grin and offered, “We didn’t think he would have offered that side of him yet.” Conversation ended.
More important for Jeanne’s growth was she had now been brought deeper into the LGBT community by experience as well as thought. Leia was more basic that Jeanne’s sister in helping her to know her own pleasure areas.
It was several visits with her mother, Marie Hulme that was a catharsis for them both. It was the weekend before Thanksgiving. Marie had invited her new daughter over for a time just between Marie and Jeanne, mom and daughter. She was mostly listening when she brought herself to ask about a time in the past. “Jeanne this probably sound ludicrous but do you remember a time when you were about ten and I found you up to…” Jeanne interrupted, “When you came into my room and I was surprised. Neither of us said anything as I pushed something under my covers.”
Mom says, “Yes, I was going to tell you, your TV program was on. That was shortly after I knew someone had been into my clothes. I thought it had been your sister and it was unthinkable to me that it was you. I didn’t need to know what you were hiding. I saw signs of makeup, maybe an earring.” She paused, “I hoped it scared you enough that we wouldn’t have to talk about it. I convinced myself you wouldn’t dare do it again.”
Jeanne, “I was sure you were going to make me talk about it. Then I wondered how could you miss the signs. You became stern with me. It sent the message you didn’t like me like it.” His Mom took his hands as they were talking. “I had hoped you would say something and we’d begin talking even if you were angry with me. It would have been better than the silence and how you looked.”
“I often tried to hide things, yet I wished I would get caught or the courage to speak up. Even when I was ten you’d take me to your friend’s store. They had the women’s store with panties, bras and slips mostly. I acted respectfully when I was there, usually like a well behaved boy being where he wasn’t comfortable. Truth was I wanted to try things and I think Ma Hammond knew it.”
His Mom told him, “Mrs. Hammond told me you wanted to try women’s delicates, but were afraid. She told me I should leave you there sometime and leave for fifteen minutes.” Mom said, “One of the next times I did, but Mama Hammond wasn’t there so the chance to try something wasn’t offered to you.”
Jeanne remembered a time his mother had left, but the exceptionally attractive daughter of the owner had come in to try some lingerie. The changing room curtain had a gap that John had been able to see through. He remembered he had seen Frieda when she was down to her panty and ready to put the piece she was trying on. Frieda and John’s eyes caught one another. She had smiled at him and even waved him to come in.
Jeanne was thinking of the times there when his mother interrupted his daydreaming. Marie interrupted, “There was another time, but it wasn’t planned. By then I thought you had moved on. Your sister has told me it is something a TG girl doesn’t outgrow the desire, but I didn’t know or think it was possible that you were like that. That I should have known. Did you really see yourself as Jeanne growing up?”
Jeanne acknowledged, “I had small amounts of girl stuff several times. I knew I was a girl but again and again I fought it and purged my girl things and stuffed any thought of being a girl deep down. One problem was I would get samples because my name was Jean, I got things that were totally girl. I even got a request for a dating service that only would allow me to register as a girl.”
Kate had cut-off their relationship and moved on and for two years had been gone form Jeanne’s life. Jeanne wasn’t going to share all this, but she knew now was the time to be open. Her Mom was surprised during their visits about the son/daughter she had not really known.
It was the second visit, Mom had a gift wrapped in a wrapping that had the appearance that it had aged. It was tall, maybe twenty inches. “This was purchased for you, and I was going to give it to you, if and when I could confirm you liked girl things.” She had pushed it closer to Jeanne until she took it and lifted it in her lap. Jeanne had a guess but was sure it could not be. She took off the ribbon and drew the bow to her chest as if it were a treasure. She slipped her hand under the edges of the wrapping where it had been taped. Soon she could see as the paper lifted away the most beautiful doll she had ever seen. She had seen it before, but wasn’t that when she/he was ten or eleven.
Mom teared as Jeanne opened the box and held the doll in her arms. Jeanne kissed her Mom on the cheek expressing thanks. Jeanne felt her eyelashes were wet when they brushed her mother’s face.
“You know Grandma Gernay is still waiting for a visit from you. She loves to do something special for each of her granddaughter.” Grandma would make quilts, or crocheted blankets for each of her granddaughters. She also desires to teach them to cross-stitch but all that was when they were younger.
(Halloween Engagement is important in appreciating this story.)
Characters:
Jean (John)/ Jeanne Hulme
Mr. & Mrs. Louis & Marie Hulme Jean/Jeanne’s parents
Sheila Hulme - Sister
Matthias Strass
Mr. & Mrs. Henri & Ruth Strass
Rebecca (Becky) Strass
Joe and Claudette (Claudia) Strass
Joey and Lynne
Jenn, Tess and Cara – Work friends of John’s now Jeanne’s
Last Christmas, we’re at my parent’s house with both families when Matthias went to his knees to propose to me again. He took off my ring and gave me another that is even more beautiful. “Jeanne Hulme, you know I love you and you know who I am. Will you marry me and be my love for life?” …“I do.” … Matthias and I have bought a home in York. …Most see us as a gay couple and I now see myself as a woman. I am the one most people wonder about in my engagement with Matthias.
It was mid-January and his sister Rebecca Strass was going for a fitting of her wedding gown when I realized our wedding was scheduled way too close to hers. Matthias and I first agreed to push our wedding back to September and since then to April of next year and finally it is set June 22, of next year.
I have been living at the house Matthias bought for us since December, working to make it our home. I’ve remained friends with Jenn and Cara and I continue bumping into friends I grew up or went to school with. While everyone’s surprised I’m now a woman, many are accepting to one degree or another.
I am not the most beautiful woman, though looking like my mom and sister I know I am attractive enough being me. Matthias and I agree that I’m not losing my boy parts for now. I am however using female hormones to help the way I look and feel. It was around February 2nd, a sunny day that I noticed I cast a girlish shadow.
I am home when Connie, a neighbor comes over. “Good, to see you’re Jeanne today. I was wondering if you could come over and watch Katy and Brett? Brett’s sick and I need to pick up some medicine for him as well as to get some groceries.”
I find it interesting how others like Connie are more comfortable with me helping them when I’m in Jeanne mode. I quickly fixed myself and grabbed a coat and go to their house next door. Katy and Brett have come to know me and are comfortable. Katy being four sometimes runs over to visit, hoping to get hot chocolate and cookies. I make chocolate chip and sugar cookies, all others are store bought.
While I enjoy helping with the children a little, I mostly enjoy my visits with neighbors like Connie and others. Connie lightly giggles when she comes back, “I’m enjoying watching as you’ve changed even in the last six weeks. I was afraid when you moved next door what you’d be like… um. I’m still waiting for you to tire of being a woman and leave us.”
I ask, “Are you relaxing and starting to believe I am me and not leaving anytime soon?”
She says, “Yes, you’ve become someone I enjoy seeing and visiting with. Sometime when the kids are well I’d like to go out to lunch with you. I’ve even suggested to Brad that we see if it would be alright if he and I went with you and Matt to the Blue Swan.”
I’m a bit shocked as we’ve seen other straight people come with gay friends. I say, “We like to let our inhibitions down there and be ourselves. I’m not sure you’d like that.”
Connie blushes just lightly, “That is what we’d prefer. I know you’re yourselves here kind of, but we’d like to be better friends and do things together. It hasn’t been that long since we were in college. We are accepting people, but we’re both a bit sheltered. We don’t want to be caught in yesterday’s world.”
Connie changes the discussion, “One of my co-workers who knew you and your family as you and Sheila were growing up. She said, ‘You weren’t gay or girl like growing up, but that you must have changed sometime.’ I didn’t know things like that happen. If you don’t mind my asking, how did you fall in love with Matt so quickly?”
I tell her, “I went to a Halloween party last year with some friends. I was dressed as ‘Little Bo Peep’ at their request and we were having a good time. I had seen Matt before and liked him. But it wasn’t until we danced and I was in his arms that I felt like I was falling in love with him. The next day when I woke up, he was there with me. He proposed and surprisingly I said yes. We slowed that quick pace and found we still are in love with the other.”
“I guess deep down I’ve always been me, Jeanne that is, but every time I tried to surface Jean, society, others pushed me back down. I love Matthias and him loving me makes everything else possible.
I’ve heard a number of women tell me that they actually disliked taking their husband’s cock into their hand or making love in different ways. For me being John it wasn’t much different. But the first time Matt was going in me, it felt warm and like he was really loving me. That makes things that much more beautiful and exciting.”
I notice Connie’s expression and realize I’ve said more than she expected to hear. “I’m sorry…”
She stops me, “Don’t apologize, I just realize you’re a lot like me. I knew I loved Brad quickly and I loved the feelings it gave me. I was sheltered and having him please me or like you say, ‘holding a guy in your hands is a big step. I actually jumped a few times and said ‘eew’ actually worse, the first time his thing squirted on me.” She said, “I can understand the joy of Matt being warm inside of you. It took you sharing before I could see it as normal and beautiful for a guy.”
Matthias and I went that night to another nightspot in Philadelphia. Friends, there still see if they can gross me out. Matt enjoys when we’re there that he can be more open in showing his affections in public. The vast majority of us, like to relax and have a good time.
Philadelphia has a lot of local bands that sound really good. Many with a break could be national performers. Tonight there’s a seven-member group and while they’re straight, like a lot of musicians they test the waters. It is after their midnight set, Randy warms up to Matt and Ginger sits gently in my lap.
She likes that I don’t have on a bra. Her hand is cuddling my breasts as she lays a big wet kiss on me. I give her a hug and then say, “Hey, I usually don’t get this friendly, especially without getting to know you.” I wrapped my arms around her to let her lean against me as we talk.
It is really nice as we talk and both of us warm up. My breasts haven’t grown as much as I’d like yet tonight they’re hot and as her hand slips under my top arousing my breasts. Matthias and I have both limited how and where someone can touch us.
On our way to the coach house at his folks' place we talk. We talk about having two friends like Ginger and Randy. Wondering if we could have a couple like them that we can be sure are clean and won’t be getting in bed with others. Matthias wouldn’t mind relating with another guy nor me with Ginger that could enjoy intimate times with. I am a bit nervous about possibly losing Matthias’ affections. But I’d rather find out before we go much further.
In the LGBT community monogamy isn’t desired by all couples as much as in the straight community say they are. But desiring to limit and know who one relates to is important for health and safety.
Matt asks, “Down the road if we could find a donor egg like with Ginger and we use my sperm would you be willing to carry our child?” Needless-to-say the night’s loaded with thoughts that have my head spinning.
It’s nice to cap the night being in bed with Matt and having him making love to me several times in a number of ways. Morning comes too early as Matt’s sister and sister-in-law called, waking me up to go shopping. Becky’s insisting I go as she now wants me to be a bridesmaid. Claudia is with child and will be in her sixth month come to Rebecca’s wedding. The nice thing is that all the bridesmaids’ dresses are going to be long flowing georgette gowns. Ones that a woman can actually enjoy wearing again on other occasions in society.
This is not to be as simple or inexpensive as going to a regular specialty store. Rebecca’s in society and though my gown is pale in comparison to hers, it is to be handmade of expensive satin and lace. Today, I’m measured and I choose the pastel rainbow colors. I am committed to fitting into a slimmer more demanding gown. I’m actually excited about wearing it.
There will be more lunches of diet cottage cheese and pineapple, nutritional diet bars as well as nights nursing one drink.
Ruth Strass, Becky, and Claudia are happy with how they have trained me in the Strass philosophy of philanthropy. I choose a community-based children’s program in Zambia as my international cause; education and support for unwed mothers in Pennsylvania for two others and a youth-based program of young people relating to wildlife for my third.
I quickly figured the costs of things and twenty-five thousand dollars for each cause really won’t go very far. When Matt goes down to see spring training for the Philadelphia Phillies; I go over to Bradenton, Florida and visit the Pirates spring training. The Pittsburg Pirates are closer to the youth program I want to work with. I get a few players and coaches willing to help financially as well as open to relating to the youth in their communities. They’ll host youth visits to nearby state parks and federal reserves along with hosting them at the ballpark. Several of them have friends on Pittsburg’s hockey and football teams who might be willing to help.
Ma Strass informs me, “You need to go to Zambia and to visit the program there and make sure you can work with them.” She helped facilitate a new passport for me. But I needed to make my own connections with the group in Zambia. The group I seek to work with is a faith-related ministry group. My eyes are open to the fact most African faith groups don’t accept the lifestyle of a person like me. I stress they do not have to accept me, but that the financial support I can give could be very helpful. I am firm to tell the leaders, “I do need to personally know the program, speak with people involved in the program, be assured that children are being well treated and know there will be an accounting for the use of our funds.”
It was nice that though they believe differently about me; they were respectful. Ruth Strass was wise in having me come in person. They expressed their thanks that I show a real concern for their children and have not allowed our differences to stop me. Kosa says, “We appreciate that you care about these children and that you do not judge us as a backward, unintelligent people.”
“Many people here have become gravely sick and die with AIDS and malaria. We try not to judge.” They share other programs where parish caretakers, help those who are sick because of a variety of reasons.
I asked, “How do the poor people pay you?” I learn there is little or no paying by many clients. Often their care workers are also poor and share the little they or the church has. There is some government funding, but it does not go far. One named Peter gives me an overturned bucket to sit on. It is the best seat in his dwelling. Peter offered to shake my hand as we visit where he lives; we both know we could be judged by others. But today we are the honored people. Peter says, “I came here to die. I have AIDS and was turned away by family and from my home. I am growing in strength here and new medicine helps me. They have helped me to get the needed medicine and to take it properly. I have received food and Anna has helped me clean this hut. I no longer see myself as a man who is dying.”
My giving will still be for the children and their education and food if they will receive it. I do give support to Peter and other men and women like him.
Listening to the women and leaders, I am seeking to give enough support for the child care of orphans who are taken into other homes. My support would be for two full-time teachers and food. I hope to raise ongoing support for more. Otherwise good teachers are soon gone to schools that can pay them a good living. It is not about paying them as much as it is paying them enough to afford to stay and teach a whole school year, hopefully, two or more.
Things aren’t changing any for me until I begin to visit and sit with the women in parish nursing programs and support groups for women battling Malaria and AIDS. They are very concerned about children being left without one or both of their parents. It is in my third and final week that I’m invited to come back to Africa. Kosa says they are now wanting to know if I’m willing to make a commitment without them being saddled with a lot of distracting media or hype about who I am.
I call and talk to Matt and we agree to come back in mid-July, their cool and dry season. It would mean two-three weeks of celibacy and live in separate quarters.
Henri is Jewish though not very active in his faith. Ruth is Christian but takes responsibility for observing their family faith customs. Rebecca leans more to her mother’s faith. Joseph Henri and Claudia are stronger then Henri in keeping Jewish traditions. Rebecca’s Wedding is big in society’s way of thinking. A Rabbi and a Christian pastor will do the service together. My helping with the faith group in Africa is of little consequence as long as it is very good, which it is.
Unintentional as it was, the first trip to Africa helped me to exceed my needed weight loss and to slim down for the bridesmaid dress. My breasts have grown but are not where Becky desires except with push-ups. I will be lovely enough in my gown. It was my first great taste of high society and elegant fashion. The dress will be beautiful for others to see and even more elegant for me to wear. I love and enjoy how the georgette style allows a woman, a comfortable airy feeling around her.
After the last fitting, a late lunch and there was some artistic shopping for our home here and at York. I am preparing for a needed night out with Matt. He’s informed me, he had a surprise but keeps it a secret. We’re going to a new nightclub on the west edge of Philadelphia. Rock Revue was again performing and Randy and Ginger are my surprised. Matt had contacted them while I was away. The desire to be together now and then was mutually agreed.
We were to stay in Philly but everyone agreed to go back to the carriage house as Matt did not follow through in reserving rooms.
Ginger and I begin with a late night bubble bath in the large spa tub. I never had the joy of going between a woman’s legs and bringing her into orgasm as another woman. Her way with me is pleasing as well.
Come the Wedding, I enjoyed being in the rehearsal and wedding. Howard, the Groom, wants Matt to be the groomsman to escort me. But Rebecca and the wedding coordinator already determined where each of us were in the procession and elsewhere. Maxwell the Fourth will be the Groomsman escorting me in the wedding and the first official dance of the wedding party.
Come, the end of the wedding and reception and a few drinks; Maxwell feels the need to proclaim to any who will listen to him. “I am happy to announce Jeanne Hulme is my Bridesmaid and without a doubt very much a woman.” I did not understand why he insisted nor why he had me stand next to him during the announcement. But his sweeping me in his arms a giving me a huge kiss made it clear. He was demonstrating his belief.
Howard and Rebecca Jefferson were happy that I did not proclaim otherwise. My parents, as well as the Strasses, apologized for my being embarrassed. I was more offended than embarrassed, but I care for Rebecca too much to make a scene.
Matthias and I had taken dance lessons before the wedding and we enjoy ourselves well into the morning hours. We stayed in the city and once back to our suite; it seems like Matt felt a need to consummate our relationship. I don’t feel I’ll ever tire of making out with him.
We are the ones up early, going with Rebecca and Howard to the Airport. We help with their luggage, and negotiating our way through the airport, and checking in tickets. Matthias paid the difference to put them into first class throughout their honeymoon.
Seemingly the Jefferson’s have more the air of being in high society than an abundance of wealth. If Howard is willing to work and learn the family business. He will have a choice in staying with his father, helping him in their business or joining with the Strass families businesses.
Matthias and I are fairly sure the two of them are deeply in love and Howard’s intelligence, fortunately, rivals Becky’s. She is more outgoing and he’s a little staid.
We are back in York, PA as Matthias has two of the companies he watches over there. One of our companies was negotiating with another company to get their business. Matt's both a good salesman and good at knowing what his manufacturing businesses can do. The production requests will cause Matt’s company to invest in new equipment, but it is an investment that Henri Strass and Matt agree to be a good investment. It will result in twelve additional production jobs at present and an ongoing customer for years to come.
Today, I played the role of additional ears, which was of help. Theresa, one of their officers was in a toilet stall checking on the operational status of a production line of theirs.
After that Matthias spoke forthrightly to them. “We will be willing to invest in your company along with approving a contract. But if we’re to do business we need an agreement that everything will truly work out properly.
Matt at first was willing to buy into ten percent of their company, but updating their production lines and making them reliable will end up giving us between 15-20% of their company. The dominant union they work with was open to reworking the contract. A health benefit with 85% coverage is better than most. Production incentives, with our help, will result in half of the incentives being covered up-front. We know their workers doubt that it will happen. It has been workable for the Strass family production businesses.
The agreement progresses slowly for us, but it was accomplished in six weeks, which was considered quick by many. Retooling the worst of their production line, replacing one antiquated machine and improving its computer hardware helped many minds become believers.
Matthias and I celebrated by taking our neighbors Connie and Brad Richards to eat in Harrisburg as well as a new nightspot there. We have been to the Bent Straight Tap. Connie and Brad agree the first time was better away from York. We drew a larger group around many tables up to twenty people at times.
We do not personally help others get involved in our community as we do with Brad and Connie, but they enjoyed being with us and getting to know others. I noticed when Brad lost his shirt after being with another man who appeared to be well pleased.
It was now late September and we’re talking about celebrating our second Halloween at the Blue Swan. Jenn and Cara are interested in going with me again. Matt and I plan to go out for dinner first.
They’d likely bring friends; Jennifer might even be engaged by then and bring her betrothed.
Jenn’s agreed to be my maid of honor for my wedding. She’s the first of my friends to relate to me solely as Jeanne.
To be continued…
Sameo, Not the Same
Matthias and Jeanne are planning on going to the Blue Swan for Halloween again this year. It will be a celebration for them of where they met and fell in love one year ago. Jeanne’s even planning to go once again in the Little Bo Peep costume that Jean wore last year. There are to be some differences but that’s only known to Jeanne and her friend Jenn so far.
It’s the week before, Matthias and I are cuddling up around our drinks with some friends. When an adult woman walks over to us with a teenage boy/girl. She looks at me as she asks, “My Norm wants to dress like the girl he says he is. I was wondering, if you could help us in getting a nice costume as well as the beginning of a new wardrobe?”
Matthias kisses in the ear, whispering, “Jean...ne, I think they are wanting you.”
I unwind myself out of Matthias’ arms asking, “Are you seeing yourself as a young woman 24/7? You have oodles of possibility for Halloween; it depends on what you’re wanting. ...And if I’m helping you in being a woman, I need to hear from you?”
Norm looks shy and is looking around as we separate from others. We’re in a club in York not known by most. I suspect Norma’s been here, at least with others in our community. I am glowing with empathy, I suspect the girl in Norm is working up the courage to talk to me.
“I… I’m Lydi. I haven’t had the chance but I think I want to be a girl all the time. I mean I am a girl, but I haven’t had the opportunity. I’m almost eighteen and Mom knows I’m intending to liberate myself. She wants me to get traditional help, but I want someone who knows what it feels like.”
I look back from where we came to Matthias, “I hope you will take some time in finding yourself.” (Unlike I did.) I try to take Lydi by the hands. She decides to hug me. There is more to her chest then the regular boy. There is a tenderness her voice and arms that says she has experience being Lydi.
We sit down around a small table: Lydia's weeks away from being 18 and started experimenting in dressing up when Norm was 10. As early five, Lydi remembers taking interest in his Mom’s things with a mixture of joy and guilt. It was then Norm began playing with Karyn. She moved next door. She introduced him to dolls, playing house and helping her mom.
I ask if he gave being a boy a chance. He had a detailed list starting peewee league baseball, basketball and later football and soccer. He took interests in other boys come fifth grade when he liked being among the girls when they talked about boys. Lydi looks towards her mom, “Billy first kissed me when I was twelve and he was in the grade ahead of me. He too saw me as a girl and we kinda got closer.” Her eyes glanced at her mom, I suspect this is news to her.
We agree to meet the next day, Norm will have changed afterschool. I wonder if Lydi will present better as a girl; maybe she’ll be comfortable as she is tonight.
I rejoin Matthias and the group that has gathered, an evening show of various performers. It amazes me the talent of the people who come here, most are in the LGBT community. It is not a karaoke night as a pianist or two play for several singers. It is an enjoyable night of being entertained with some people of talent.
When a woman with a guitar and banjo goes up on stage, some anticipate what is coming is low-grade hillbilly country. She does have a very relaxed and unkempt look about her. Those of us who had already heard Julie before know better. With pictures timed to one of her instrumentals and great control and clarity to her playing, she quickly wins over everyone.
Her guy sat with us and took an interest in Matthias. I became uncomfortable with his presence. I subtly made my presence and relation to Matt known. There came a strain or hurt when Matt told him, “She’s been more pussy than a guy; it leaves one wanting.”
The truth was over the last two months the differences of me being transwoman verses a feminine gay man began playing on our relationship. “But Matthias, I thought you were having plenty of opportunities to have me as you like?”
Matthias says, “You don’t realize how much I’ve adjusted my life for you. Plus my sisters and Mother treat you like one of them, instead of you being more like me.”
I stumble on a heel as I get up and it makes me appear drunk or at least having too much to drink. I sometimes do when we are out like this. I say, “But you are the one who proposed to me. I thought we’ve been doing well. How are you expecting me to carry and birth a baby if I’m not a woman?”
Things went downhill from there and I walk out of the club. I call my Mom asking to stay there a night. I didn’t expect it to escalate. I tell her what’s happened and she calmly says, “You need to work it through. It is not that big a deal.”
Well I am back to the apartment and we are talking to each other, but neither of us is talking about the incident.
This year for Halloween Little Bo Peep will have clear glass/plastic heels and I will have a professional theater and costume makeup artist help me with a surprise. I have my face made up in a practice session. It will be hard for people to figure out why my face is made up the way it will be until they see the transformation. The difference in my eyes will be noticeable but most won’t guess why.
My friend Jenn will be helping me and Matt is getting grouchy about the time I’m spending with her.
I have fun meeting with Lydi and her Mom as we go shopping. I say, "High school students usually don't go Trick or Treating."
Lydi says, "Cindy a girl I know is having a Halloween party with people to come in costume. She knows who I am."
She's wanting to be a young Princess Laiah, and I remember wanting to be her when I was younger. We are able to find an adult size costume but decide later to buy a white satin skirt and blouse that she'll be able to wear for a night out. Norm, Lydi is enjoying herself shopping for a wardrobe. She's able to buy a dress and another outfit and accessories along with the satin skirt and blouse.
When I say, "A girl needs at least three to four outfits and another nice bra."
Her mother looks despondent, "It's not that I'm against it. We just don't have it in our finances. I set some money aside so we could do this. He's been to other places and has some things girls have discarded."
I ask, "Would you mind if I paid for two more everyday outfits for Lydi?" The Mom and Lydi both smiled.
Lydi says, "But we can't ask that of you. You have helped much already. We didn't ask you to help with that purpose."
I said, "I understand, but it is part of what I want to do. I like having casual clothes that I can wear every day. I suspect you will enjoy having that too. I thought I saw one outfit you were wanting that I now believe you had to choose not to get." Indeed I had as she quickly goes to the checked skirt of many colors. I insist she gets two tops that will go with it.
She is looking for a granny style dress with lacework and finds it. Needless to say, it is not what granny would have chosen, but it looks very special on Lydi. It is not on sale and she feels a need to put it back. "I can't afford to wear that as an everyday dress as I'd want."
I say, "You and I know it is an everyday dress. I think you will like it and we all agree you look very chick in it." "That said we need to pay for everything and go to dinner so we can chat about it. That's the girl thing to do."
Her mom says, "I love that idea. Maybe my daughter can learn to talk to me about things like this."
Come Saturday night we have our first Halloween party and Matt and I are both stunning. He is done up well as Rhett Butler from Gone with the Wind with extra tight pants showing his beautiful physique with a blouse like a shirt showing off his chest. Bo Peep is again the adult version and I am sexy hot. Even with the fluffy gown, I can feel Matt’s hardness pressing against me, when we dance. Finally, at 10:30 at the Blue Swan, the Stripper begins to play for any of us transforming from one costume to another.
I have recently lost some more weight that I’ve been hiding to reveal tonight. My hips are filling out, though my waist has shrunk. My legs have lost an inch and a half around my thighs. While my breasts have continued to grow and I am showing off my breasts overflowing a tight C-cup bra without being indecent.
They show nicely through a special black and white bodysuit designed to show me off as a Cat. I and most people think I am looking very good, a beautiful feline cat. My glass shoes and toenails painted red to make my feet and toes look realistically like a cat on its toes with claws showing.
Matt looks at my puffy pussy and I anticipate he will be very happy. Instead, he’s turning beet red. He’s angrier than embarrassed I can tell. I ask, “What’s the problem?”
He says, “I thought you were to be a horny Tomcat.” I begin to cry as he says, “You are a disappointment.”
Tonight I did not leave and I quickly shut down my tears. Randy plays up to Matthias while I turn cold to Ginger. I dance some with Matthias, once with Randy as well as a couple of times with Ginger. Dancing with them has begun to feel dirty to me. I am wanting Matthias exclusively. Our appearance to others is that we’re having a good time.
I did have fun visiting with other friends especially my friends Jenn and Clara.
When we get home Matthias drops me there and says he’s heading for the carriage house. He does call once he’s there, saying he already misses me. I drive in the morning to Philly and we going to a Halloween celebration at a place there. My Little Bo Peep costume is enough for there. Matthias and I kiss and makeup, but it still feels unsettled.
It is good making out with Mathias so I guess it doesn’t matter that I see me as a woman and he sees me as a feminine man. We have fun making up as usual. He asks me, “Jeanne is it alright to call you Jean when I want?”
I am positioned below him with his eyes looking into mine. This is a beautiful picture burned into my mind. It is a passionate kiss with both of us trying to swallow, sucking in the tongue of the other. Our passion runs deep.
After I am dressed as Bo Peep, Mathias comes behind me and has his way one more time. The warm cream inside of me feels good. A light panty shield will stop any mess.
It is okay with me that he’s calling me Jean most of the night. Lola is the one who remarks, “Matthias says, you are going to wear a long pant skirt when you two marry in the spring. I thought you said you already had some gowns you’re looking at. When did you change your mind?”
I like telling her, “I have thought about it, but I’m still leaning towards one of the beautiful gowns I’ve seen. My Mom says, she or my Dad will escort me down the aisle.”
Seemingly Mathias even said it was possibly being here. I am a more than a little upset that Mathias might be talking about us, apart from me. I hope I’m wrong.
It’s near the witching hour of midnight and Matthias turns to me with a set of vampire’s teeth, saying, “Bite me.”
I joke saying, “I think you have that turned around, you should be biting me.”
Mathias is saying, “I’m big and hard; you don’t have to bite me, but I want you to take me one way or another.” He lifts up the skirt of the tablecloth. I look under the table and he is pressing against his trousers.
I say, “If you’re meaning here now, there better be a dark corner available.” There are plenty of them here; side tables with poor lighting and glass bead curtains. We find an area meeting our needs and I escort Matthias to the lair. The high bar table makes it easier to go under and undo his trousers and pull them partly down.
I giggle as he springs out like a soldier waiting for an order. My eyes look up to Mathias as my lips kiss his head. I move to wet his shaft and tongue and kiss his head again. Holding his rod I kiss and swallow his head. I can feel his veins throbbing. I am down and upon him. And hear him whispering, “Can you swallow me?” It is hard to do in this position, but I strain his rod in position to make it possible.
I begin to take more of him in, he’s now at the back of my throat. My gag reflux strains to relax and I’m breathing through my nose. I want so badly as Jeanne to please him. It takes a second effort but he’s now slipping down my throat. I pull back a little but I don’t want to lose having him down that far. I know he’s getting even more excited as he continues to swell inside of me. Finally, I need to pull out and catch my breath before I can start again.
I look up, he’s only casually smiling; I take a deep breath and begin again. I hear a sigh of relief as I’m taking him in. I take time to increase his pleasure by sucking and teasing him. He is close to exploding when I focus on taking him deeper into my throat. I am planning to ride him. Taking some of him deep in my throat and to continue swallowing the best I can. I pull him out and fill myself with his warm goo. He begins to explode and groan as he does. It takes until his head is up in my mouth that I get the taste of his buttery cream filling me. I swallow and continue to do so as he continues to gush more and more. I am good and do not let much ooze. I have fun sucking and getting him to release as much as possible.
Matt has asked me to stop, but I love the loud groaning he is doing. I am sure someone must here us. I know it’s Marv who says, “Oh baby quit moaning and just enjoy what she’s doing.”
I reach into his pocket for his handkerchief, using it to wipe the little I am unable to swallow. Coming back out from under the table, I feel a cold, uninvited hand touch my ass. I turn around confirming who I thought was doing it. It is my strong slap that hits Mack fully across the face. Then I push him away, saying, “You better get out of here before I scratch the living s… out of you!”
Mack steps back, “I was just going to say you make a better sweet boy than I thought.”
Matt is zipping himself up before standing. “Get away from here Mack. It’s been through with us for more than a year. Jean is my love.”
Mack mutters and whispers as he walks away, though it is painstakingly slow for my liking. But his words remind me about what I heard earlier. I sit and cuddle with Matthias. And we’re good until Matt asks, “What’s bothering you? It’s been a great evening.” I try to be quiet and enjoy being together. Entertainment has begun, but Matt asks again about what is bothering me. I guess my hurt feelings are more obvious than I realize. Matt pulls back and takes hold of my hands.
I tell him, “Matthias, someone told me that you told them I’m wearing slacks like a skirt and the wedding is to be here.”
Matthias takes an added breath, “I might have said, we’re talking about it. Don’t take it seriously; it’s between you and me not them.”
“How could you Matt; we haven’t talked about it. It’s not their damn business. You know it is to be at your folks' place outside. I have already begun looking at wedding gowns, you know that. If that were to change you should have been talking to me first. Your mother, sister and I have already started making plans.”
Matthias says, “You’re beautiful Jean and you know I love you. A wedding gown only shows you as a woman. You look beautiful but I also love you as a man.”
I am upset and standing with my hands on my hips. “You also talked about me having a baby. Do you expect Jean to do that? I am happy to be Jean for you, but…”
I search my purse for car keys, “I will be waiting near the door, I want to go home.”
Matt says, “Take the car, we both have a lot to think about.”
My eyes are tearful as I move near the entrance; I need to wait before leaving. I’m praying Matthias comes before I leave. I waited and once saw him but he turned around. The drive to the coach house feels terribly lonely.
I need to talk to someone, but who? It’s between my sister Sheila or Jenn, Jennifer Jones. I text both asking “If you can talk, please call me, I need a shoulder to cry on.”
It is Jenn who texts first, “I will call you in ten minutes.” Sheila calls and begins talking. Hearing Jenn is going to call me back she says, “I’ll see you in an hour and a half.” She’s hung up on me before I could try to talk her out of it.
Jenn calls me and we spend the next hour talking, mostly me talking. She is a good listener and her encouragement is good. The bell for the gate for the coach house buzzes, I press and tell Sis to come in. Jenn says, “Good your sister is there. I would have come if needed. Maybe tomorrow I will come.”
Sheila comes in and I begin relating what happened again. I’m not thinking neither of them might like hearing this coming from a GT couple. I did not include everything when I spoke, thankfully. I find myself in my Sis’s arms; her shoulder and top are soon wet from my crying. “I am so angry with him Sheila, but I love him and don’t want to lose him.”
Sheila says, “I don’t think you’re going to lose him, but you two do need to talk this out, maybe with a counselor.”
“And who does a couple like us turn to for counseling,” I ask?
“A good counselor worth their salt. They’ll tell you if they can do it or not.”
The sun is up and we’re too filled with caffeine to sleep. The phone rings, “I see your lights are still on, they’ve been on all night... Matthias has already called me. You and your sister or friend should come up to the big house so we can talk.”
I know I can’t, won’t sleep. I’m ready to cry when Sheila takes the phone. “Let me push her into the shower and change and we’ll be up. Is he going to be here?” It used to be that would take me five to ten minutes to get ready, now it’s well over half an hour.
Ruth is up and dressed, Becky is home and wrapped in a fluffy robe. Her husband Richard Hamilton is sleeping in. Mom Strass has pastry waiting for us and the cook if we desire will make more.
We take most of the morning talking, Mom Strass won’t say much about Matthias, except he’s foolish but it’s his decision and he’ll take his time. “If it’s going to work out and I think it will. Both of you may need to have some restless nights to realize what you have.”
I say, “But for me too?”
She says and Becky and Sheila are affirming her, “You need to realize like him what you have. What you’re willing to do. You know there will be times like this that it might not be easy again.”
Sheila asks, “If you have too, will you go back to being Jean?”
I don’t answer quickly, though I already know part of the answer. If I have to go on without Matthias that would be terrible. My heart would be broken for a long time. But, I would continue as Jeanne, possibly fulltime. I am no longer Jean, except for Matthias.
It is over two weeks and I’m at our apartment in York. I spend time working for Ruth, Becky and me. I haven’t but I might need to have Jenn, my friend, take time off to look for another job.
I am missing Matthias terribly. And when I go to the Blue Swan I know others are torn between Matt and me. Some have said they’re going to be his friend as well as mine. Some won’t say how he’s going and other times they say he’s missing me as much as I’m missing him.
I’m at the Blue Swan the following Wednesday when Matthias come through the door. This time instead of walking out, he sits at the bar away from me. We do see each other eye to eye. I walk over near him and sit down sipping my wine, but it’s empty.
Matthias tells, “Joc give her another glass of wine and pour one for me.” Joc pours the glasses and Matthias takes them. “Let’s go over here and sit.” He sets my glass across from him not next to him as usual.
Before I will sit and talk, I give Matthias a big hug holding him next to me. And I give him a not so big kiss on the cheek. We talk and obviously, he’s missing me like I’m missing him. He says, “I told my Mom there’s no one like you. I’ll be honest I’ve kissed and been with a guy. But I realized, I am not like I was.” We continue to talk and I have shared that I can’t go back to just being a guy. “I doubt, I’m going to find anyone else. I’ll probably die an old maid.” We both halfheartedly laugh.
We agree that we still need some time apart and counseling. Matt wants to dance, I do too, but I’m afraid I won’t let go. We kiss and dance and sure enough, I ride with Matthias back to our house. I change and I’m saying I shouldn’t all the way into bed and after we’re there. I am smothering him with kisses and once my right leg wraps around him the evening has been decided.
It is 9:00 a.m. when I push myself out of the bed to answer my phone. Jenn speaks, “Would you know where Matthias is? He’s to meet with his father before they meet with RayCo at noon.”
I hand my phone to Matthias and soon he’s saying, “I have more important business here. If he really needs me I could be there by three, not before.”
I have two estrogen tablets on my tongue as I’m sitting next to him in bed. Matthias says, “Drink them down. You know you don’t want to stop.”
It is three hours later and Ma Strass calls. “Your Father says, he’ll need your signature as it’s your division who’s making the contract… How are you doing there?”
He says, “Neither of us can live without the other and I don’t want to.”
“Why don’t you bring her back with you? I have Joey and Lynn all day, and until tomorrow I could use her help.”
We have made out enough that I know I’ll be sore, but I’m up and packing. Matthias, you take the first shower. I’ll need to do my hair and makeup when I finish my shower.”
I had already found a counselor in York. And she will be mine if we both don’t see her together.
I have out my long sequin dress wrapped in clear plastic dress bag. Mathias asks, “Does that mean I’m taking you out tonight?”
“No, you can decide if it’ll be tomorrow or Saturday night at Caulley’s.”
He says, “Getting in Caulley’s with short notice can be hard if not impossible.”
I smile, “It might cost you, but I’m sure if we pay enough. We can get a good table one night or the other.” I have a pair of lace leggings to go with the gown that Matthias will enjoy talking me out of at the end of the evening.
I call back to Dr. Denise Loggins on our way to Philadelphia and schedule our first counseling session on the way. We are not home free, but we are in agreement we love each other enough to make it work.
Mathias and I talk; one being gay and the other being a transwoman is different. I guess once upon a time I would have seen being gay, a crossdresser or Trans as the same. Even two gay people aren’t the same.
Jenn and I are close friends and once we wondered about the other but neither of us was in love with each other. I guess the Halloween Engagement has fooled everyone. But I’m glad I had the time to realize what we have and the work it will take.