Tragedy of the Spirit part 9 Back to where it Began or is it......

This is maybe not what you think. Maybe it might be. I never went home. I went back to meet Jenn and some of the freinds I knew. I had a slight fear when ia rrived back that I would run into that little creep Adam. I was also affraid I wouold run into my parent. I was frightened actually. I also knew that there was no chance in hell I would go back to that hellhole. I guess in a way I grew up really quickly. I sure had alot of thoughts and feelings about what I was doing and they scared me to to death at times.

I wondered what kind of reception I would have when I went home to see Jenn. She told me I could stay with her. She moved to a better apartment downtown with cheaper rent. She still worked at her job and was taking some courses in mangement.

When I pulled myself off the GreyHound bus at 7 am in the morning after a day and a half of riding the bus. I was tired and needed a meal. She hugged me and welcomed me home. She mentioned to em that I looked worn out and old. I felt I was old. I gained age while on the road. I sure felt like I was in my mid thirties by the time I got myslef settled on her couch that night after we had pizza.

The following day I lounged about, while Jenn went shopping. I was still tired and looked very much like "hell". Trust me I felty like it as well. I hada soaking bath, cleaned up alot, did my laundry which needed it seriously I had stains on my skirts, jacket and tops. I had mentioned to Jenn if I got the gumption I would venture to the bank. I did not as I was awoken by Jenn several hours later. I fell asleep in the tub. How stupid to do that I I hurt even worse that I was when I arrived on the bus. Sheesh. I decided to talk to her about my travles.

( here I will use the Initials of the two people conversing)

J: " I am anxious to hear your stories of your trips"
M: " Very exciting and very painful at times"
J: "What do you mean Painful?"
M: " being raped, and sometimes abused by my clients"

The look on her face was somewhat pale. We continued.

M: " I traveled to five cities, I met alot of people and I had some interesting experiences"
J: "How so?" she asked with concern.
M: "Well, I would be picked up on the corner and takin to a secluded area and was given money. I only charged what I knew I wanted and I guess I was a cheap hooker. I would charge twenty for a BJ, 40 for a fuck and 50 for the both"
Her eyes bulged out when I stated that. She got really concerned with my last statement.

I cut her off before I knew what her question was going to be. " NO i do not have any STD's " I got checked every week by the walk in clinics. I felt a sense of releif come over her when I stated that.
Then she went to ask me if I met any rich guys, I told her about my seventeenth birthday experience with Tony. How he treated me, I mentioned to her about eh infatuation I had with him. I told her that I thought it was more than that. I told her that I was lonely. I cried. I poured my soul to her that night. I told her I questioned my existance on thsi earth. my purpose, my hope, my somewhat desire. I also told her my thoughhts about ending my life as well.

She grew quite concerned and said " DON'T you ever talk shit like that, EVER". " You got out of one situation when you got the hel out of there, do not put yourself in that fucking situation again. I will damned well make sure you do not kill yourself". I got quiet and my tears flowed.

Yes I was scared, anyone would be. I was frightened that I would lose myself in this lifestyle, my future, my freinds. ( what few I had...Just Jenn now and the few I knew off the streets. I also knew I had to seriously decide what I wanted to do. The next morning woke up and left to go to the bank. You see after ever trick I pulled and every night I finished I went and put money in my bank account. I guess you could say a rainy day fund. I just was not sure when or what I would use it for. I was so scared and the physchological had been done. I was damaged goods. I knew it, I beleive Jenn knew it as well. Mind you as I look back she never mentioned it to me. I beleive that she knew I was damaged and I feel that she knew there was no hope for me. I felt as tho I failed her, failed life in general. I failed my parents to live up the there standards. I was in essence damaged and I came to beleive I was not going to be fixed. I continued my hormones and I had a good looking figure , however I was emaciated and need to put some weight on. not a chance. Do not get me wrong here I was not anorexic. i jsut had a high metabolism and I ate what I wanted to. I did look ragged, and old. Shit! I only wish things were different. It was the time of 80' punk rock, short skirts made a comeback, shit I was wearing them all the time. No comeback for me, they were my standard clothing options as were tight tops and heels.

I seriously began to question why I had come back here. I felt that Jenn knew there was something wrong and never touched that subject with me. I stayed with ehr for 2 weeks and broached the subject with ehr. I told her that this was not for me, the rest and relaxation. I had to keep going. I told her that I would end up dead doing this for a living, I told her my fears and my aweful nightmares I had since I was with her again. I never did tell her how I felt about her tho. I loved her like my sister, and I guess she was in a sense. I think she knew it too and we never talked about it.

The following sunday we went for breakfast at A&W and then I was off to the wild west via the GreyHound again. Parts unknown at that time. I just went. I told her that I would call and or write. She asked me to call her and let me know where I ended up.I told her I would.
I set off to my ever ending life on the road and some sort of assemblence to my sanity. I do not think I had sanity nor sense. I guess I failed there as well. Was my life a failure? I think it was as I look back on it then. We had a very tearful good bye at the bus depot. Oh well, I had my meagre belongings. My knapsack was full of my clothes and my journal books I kept with me. I set out. SHIT! When will it be over? Will IT? NOT FUCKING LIKELY?.

I called Jenn and let her know where I was I was in oil country and I tended to like the place. I got a room near the same place as I had before and well i settled in that very night of strolling the corners and bars looking for tricks. A long night and yes a very long five months that would turn out to be for me. I missed Jenn. I wondered as I got back to my small hole in the wall place if I would ever see her again. I whoped that she would do well and not worry about me. I somehow knew that was going to be false. I knew she cared about me. Probably the only one that did then. I struggled with sleep that night and the next night ( actually daytime). M few hours of sleep I did get we few and far between. I was soon back in my routine, sixteen hours a day. making money and selling my ass to get it. I began to feel I was a failure, a nothing, a object of desire for being a trannie. I began to see where I had so much loss and yet I knew this was my life and posible future. A street whore, nobody wanted. No one to properly love me. I was lost, I looked for those few breif moments of love and acceptance while strolling the streets and it was satisfaction. I wondered if I would ever find "true love" "true happiness" as they say.. I began to beleive ...no FUCKING WAY. I was useless as a human being, worthless. I was being used and I actually loved it. I was accepted, I was cared for by the other girls and guys on the corners and in some instances there was a shred of concern from my clients. I had some serious issues . I knew it. I was hopeless.... I was defeated.... I was a loser.... A failure.... I began to beleive there was no help for me. I was in hell and it was the worst kind of hell. I guess you could say I went back to the beginning.....

OR DID I............

TO BE CONTINUED..................

I will introduce myself, My name is Mellissa, however it was never this name. I was adopted at 4 months old by what I thought of was a loving family environment. Being so you young (male)was different and difficult. I realized at a early age I was different,I think 6 or so were my earliest memories of my dressing. I remember one particular morning after I spent the previous day dressed in my moms short denim skirt and red sequin blouse. This particular morning my mom stromed into my room carrying the same outfit I wore the day before.She was really mad and crying. She Yelled at me by Saying:

Mom: "You little freak, how dare you wear my clothes"
MySelf: " I didn't"
Mom " You are a little liar and a no good son,If you wana be a girl then you will be treated as one,get up and put this on"
Myself: "NOOOOO, I will not wear that to school, i was just seeing what I looked like" not letting her know my true feelings.
Mom: "You little shit, you will be ready for school in 10 minutes dressed in this outfit,OR ELSE"
Myself: "NOOOOO" I screamed.

At that point my father came bursting in my room carrying the bridle we had for the horses in the barn. Fear overtook me and I screamed at both of them telling them that I hated them for what they were doing to me. My Father hauled me out of bed by my longish hair and whipping me with the leather straps of the briddle. I screamed and was crying hysterically to no end. I was hauled to the barn and hung by the ropes that were there to tie the horses up for grooming and whipped.

When I woke up I was a mess and blood leaking from my back and face where I had been beat and wearing that very outfit I had on the day before. I wil always remember that first beating as it was only yesterday,it is engrained on my slate that shaped me and made me the person whom I am today............

As I woke up on the floor after being dumped back into my room. I was covered in blood, sweat, tears and dust. The outfit was ruined as was my hair and there were bruies starting to appear on my arms and my face. I was not sure how much of my now sore back was torn open from the abuse I had recieved. I was kind of secure in the knowledge I was in my room where I thought I might be safe.

I slowly got off the floor and went to my door and slightly opened it and immediately heard loud voices from the kitchen. My Mother and father were in conversation about me,no doubt. I heard my father yell at my mother and tell her that I was a sissy and a fruitcake that needed to be beat. I started to cry and weep yet again and I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I heard my mom say to my father, "that if I wanted to wear clothes of her's , then I was going to be wearing them". My father said that" was the way it was going to be and if I refused or backtalked, i was going to get a whipping". I crept to the washroom to atempt to clean up and wipe the grime off my body. I also knew I was going to be in a lot of pain when I stripped off the clothes that I had been wearing. The conversation was still going on in the kitchen although very faint but still audible. I was scared and continued to think that I was some kind of sissy. Did I need help? was a different? was it true that I was a sissy?. I only wish I knew. I slowly stripped off the blood clothes and could see the tears and rips that were in the fabric. I tried to turn to the mirror so I could see my back, I was so scared and I knew i was going to be so sore the next day.

The conversations stopped when I turned on the tap in the bathroom and then I heard footsteps come down the hall. Seeing that there was no escape and that i could not lock the door I was trapped. There was pure anger and despise in my mothers face and she gleaned at me. She told me to bath and didn't care how much it hurt me. I was then told to get to my room and she would deal with me later. I literally cringed when she spoke to me, i had tears streaming down my face as looked at me and told me to hurry up. My father unbeknownst to me was in my bedroom ripping out my clothes such as shirts and underwear.

When I returned to my room from my bath there on the bed was underwear and cloothes. a short demim skirt and gray tank top. I was told to get dressed and get to the kitchen. While all this was taking place my younger brother was laughing his head off in the living room with his freinds. I wondered if I needed to pray alot more than I was doing when I went to church on sundays.

Here is a bit of background on where I grew up, it was a farm my parents had inherited from his dad and it was a pretty big place. The house was a 4 bedroom house with a large kitchen and living area. The barn was large to accomodae the horses and cattle and the chickens. I was given my horse when I turned 5 years old from my grandfather. She was to be my only friend and my only support in the years that I stayed on the farm. I would eventually drift off to sleep that night unsure of my future at such a young age. I began my journal writing after I was beaten by my father. I began to hate him and his lack of love for me. I also began to try and ignore what my parents said about me. I learned to realize that I had to survive in whatever way I could or my father would kill me........

I really began to think where my life went wrong. As I looked at my life for those 15 years I spent living in that hell on earth as I now refered to it years later. I realized I had a few choices really, 1. kill myself , I really came close several times over that 15 years I spent with my undeserving parents and brother. 2. leave and never look back. I chose option 2. I remember those days following my first brutal assault by my father. I was completely scared and had no idea where I was going to turn to as I had no choice. I had to follow there every word and instruction or I knew I was going to be beaten and beaten badly.

One evening after I had done my chores in the barn and my homework was finished, I was falling asleep when I heard my door ever so lightly open and in walked my brother whom was 2 years younger than me. He walked so carefully to my bed and covered my mouth with his hand and started to punch me in the stomache and face. He whispered names in disgust to me. Some of those names were freak, sissy, homo, loser, etc. After he physically assualted me, he left. In the middle of the night my door once again opened and in strode my dad. He pulled down the covers and slid into my tiny bed and proceeded to touch me. I knew he had been drinking as the foul stench was evident. I had no idea where my mother was, nor did I seem to want to know. My father slapped me a few times and told me to keep quiet. I was so scared that I did keep quiet and was shaking so bad that I was litterally quivering. My father raped me that first night so badly that I walked very funny for three days afterwards. When my mother asked me why I was walking funny I just told her i fell and hurt myself. She did not even pursue this line of inquiry. My daily punishment after school was short skirts or dresses and I had to do my chores in those clothes and cook dinner after those chores were done.

I should give you a idea where I grew up so that you have a idea of the area. I grew up in rural canada, small town actually. The idea of small towns was that everyone knew what everyone was doing at all times except for the aweful secrets that lay behind closed doors. I went to church every sunday and god forbid if you mentioned anything out of the ordinary. The whole town would know in a matter of seconds. The party line was very useful back then where every kid knew the party locations, whom was dateing whom etc. My little secret never materialized as I was so scared and frightened of the reprecusions. I kept my mouth shut and did what I needed to do. I hated my life for those 15 years I spent there on that farm. The abuse that continued, the humiliation I endured. The constant beatings and continuous rapes by my father and eventually my brother joined the routine as did his select freinds. My mother ignored all this and would call any bad behavior to my father when I did or didn't. I look back years later, I realized that she must be ill to think that everything was normal. I prayed thatI would never feel that wrath of my fathers whip, nor the briddle with the reins,nor the cinch that was attached to the blanket before the saddle was on the horse.

My escape when I could was my horse MISTY, She could run like the wind and was my best freind, confidant, my soulmate. At age 7 through 14, she was all that I had that gave me unconditional love and acceptance. I made or had very few freinds while existing on the farm. I had little to do with the neighbors kids on weekends. My escape was MISTY, we barrel raced every chance I had. I would set up bales in the feild and race til we got good enuff to compete. I loved that escape, the freedom that existed. I will cherish those good memeries while there as they seemed to grant my serenity.

Over the course of months of abuse and rapes, I wondered if I should kill myself and or escape. My toughts always centered arround ending my life and I began to contemplate those harsh thoughts. I had no real freinds, no real association with those I could trust. I began to feel isolated and very frightened every time I was looked at my everyone. I hated life and I so much wanted to end it so badly that I wrote my thoughts and feelings every night and every opertunity in my journal.......

TO BE CONTINUED

I always thought that parents were to protect, nurture, guide, love and accept. I had always wondered why did I not have that for the first 15 years of my life. I often wondered, why my parents were so cruel to me. Why family members loathed me and especially why my brother hated me so much. As I grew older I came to the very understanding that my parents, nor my family didn't love nor cherish me as I always new that I did not fit in.

Authors Note: This chapter contains some graphic material that may be to grahic to endure. Please I wish to CAUTION the reader that this is true. This happened to me when I was between ages 6 and 15 years of age. This is not for the faint of heart. Please do not read if it will upset you.

I often wondered why me? As I sat in School and daydreamed why I was placed in a situation I had no defense against. I look back years later as I am writing this for my book, why? I believe that it was understood by taking many courses on family and psychology and sociology that family was to be there for one another. I always thought that parents were to protect, nurture, guide, love and accept. I had always wondered why did I not have that for the first 15 years of my life. I often wondered, why my parents were so cruel to me. Why family members loathed me and especially why my brother hated me so much. As I grew older I came to the very understanding that my parents, nor my family didn't love nor cherish me as I always new that I did not fit in.

I remember all the severe beatings I endured and to this day those physical scars remain on my body as a constant reminder of my past. It was a nightly occurrence that either my dad or my brother would sexually assault me. My dad more than my brother. He would have my blow him til he came in my mouth and then literally rape my behind til I was raw. My mother I believe chose to ignore all the cries and whimpering that came from me. I believe that my dad enjoyed his sessions with me. One particular session, he literally beat me while he raped me. He tied me to the bed frame with straps that he brought into my room. He raped me so bad that I bled for a week afterwards and that is what drove me to attempt suicide. I found a bottle of sleeping pills that my mother had for her insomnia. I took the whole bottle (about 20 pills) and passed out. When I woke up, I was bleeding from my rear and my mouth was stitched up. My guess was that my father or my brother beat me and raped me while I was asleep and I woke up in the emergency ward.

The rapes continued every night after I had arrived home about 15 days later. I so hated myself. I questioned why I was being punished. I looked to the lord for help and not receiving any answers to my prayers I lost my faith and trust in god. The abuse just did not stop there. My brother would set me up and blame me for things I never did. One such incident occurred while I was in school and he had skipped the day feigning illness. I was supposedly placed his rifle loaded on the washing machine before I left for school. My defense was I was already at school when this alleged incident occurred. I was subsequently hauled by my hair and shirt collar to the barn and whipped severely. I have to say that I was dressed in androgynous clothing. I had long flowing red hair(which I still have to this very day). I was tied up and severely whipped with the bridle and reigns. I was left to bleed and cry I did. At nights I was dressed in nightgowns that were once my mothers and some I had been given. I slowly began to build up my wardrobe as I was constantly being dressed anyways. My ears were pierced when I was 7 years old by ice and a long sewing needle. The belief that I was wanted was becoming more and more a fantasy for me. I knew I was adopted and my brother was natural born. I remember years later watching Sesame Street and the wall with all the same objects on it except one. I knew I was different, I knew I did not belong.

I was continually abused and raped nightly. There was no remorse. God forbid that in small town Canada on the prairies that you ever spilled your private life. If you did you were ridiculed and especially a child. Whereas the parents could claim innocence and denial. You either learned to deal with it, or you just ignored the problems. I went to church and I for one could not say anything as the preacher of the church was very good friends with my parents. I was ignored and very quiet, I was always shy. I never had friends in school and was picked on because of my androgynous appearance. (this was a time where abused children were ignored when they spoke out, not like today where children have a lot of rights. I was constantly picked on, raped violently and punished for things I did not do. I did however find some solitude with my 4H activities and my horse that I was constantly around when I was not being abused. There were some happy times. Those were when I was left alone to read and listen to music and secretly dress in my accumulated small wardrobe that was beginning to get larger as the months passed. I also at that time, I was 8 I began to feel funny in the chest area, I did not bother to tell my parents of this feeling, I thought I would just ignore it. I later discovered I was secretly been given estrogen from my mothers birth control. I was horrified. I could they do this to me. What had I done so terribly wrong to deserve this life? what did I have to contribute? I lost all sense of self worth, self esteem, and zeal for life. I had no friends and those I thought were my friends were not.

As the weeks went by and those turned into months, I slowly began to wonder if I could die, that way no one would miss me. It was obvious that no one loved me, nor wanted me. I was alone. I prayed that nor more rapes would occur, that prayer went unanswered. I also prayed that I would find the strength to fight back, that to ended up falling on the lord deaf ear. My self worth and esteem were so depleted that I began to feel that I needed to die. I attempted suicide again on my 9th birthday while I was in school. I had smuggled a knife from the barn (to cut bales). I went to the washroom and sliced my wrists across the veins, not lengthwise(I was so naive, I could have ended it right then, there had I known). I remember waking up in hospital, strapped to the bed with IV tubes in my arm. I was under suicide watch. I later learned that my PARENTS, conveniently lied to the hospital officials saying that I was depressed over not getting awards and high grades in several of my classes. I spent the better part of 5 months in hospital and went through my first bout of psychiatric care. At 9, sheesh! I began to tell...........

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To Be Continued...

Tragedy of the Spirit part 5 Am I as crazy as they think.......

Caution, this chapter is dark, describes some cruel medical proceedures that may be offensive to some readers. This also describes in great detail the effects of those proceedures on a young person. Those effects were done to me. The scars still exist. Thank you for reading.

First of all I wish to give the reader a bit of further background. The area I grew up in was rural Canada, we lived on a 4 section farm. We planted wheat and barley. The farm had cattle as well as a few orses (one of which was mine). We also raised chickens and turkeys. I had one brother whom I was not very well liked by him. I was quiet, did my own thing. I look back at what happened over the first fifteen years of my life shaped my way of life.

It was just after I had returned home from the hospital after my failed suicide attempt at school that the events of that following spring and summer would change the outcome for me in a huge way. You see my birthday is in may and well, life took a strange and drastic turn that year for me, being the 1970's parents could get away with what they wanted to with there children and nothing would be said and or done to them if they were caught. The kids paid the penalty in a few different ways. One, they were never believed; two, parents deniability was apparent. The rapes persisted and on my birthday I was given a few gifts , not wrapped of course. I was given three things that birthday, one; female skirts and dresses and undergarments. Two; I was given strict instructions that I was to finish the remander of that year of school dressed as a girl(humiliation). Third; if I did not comply then I would be sent away for ever and and that my parents(gaurdians,I never considered them parents) would disavow any knowledge of my existance. You see I found out as I went back to my home almost 28 years later, I found my mothers writings in a book that she kept.

Anyways, the night of my birthday I was severely beaten and raped yet again by both my father and my brother as well as my brothers best freind Drew. I woke up the following day covered in blood(my blood) and I was badly bruised. You see I had fair skin and I bruised fairly easily. I was lorded over while I got dressed each day and well, unbeknownst to my "parents", I was thinking I would attempt my life again. I had already tried with a knife and subsequencially failed. I was not sure when I would have that oppertunity but I was hoping that event would happen soon. As I began to really hate my life. I was watched at school, my extra activities I participated in. The abuse and beating continued as I began to think that these were a sign of love and acceptance. at 9 years old , you begin to think those thoughts, so I would do whatever it took to be beaten and abused. I acted up, I talked back and I fought back with tantrums etc. I was forced into sex acts with my father while in bed and my mother just ignored these events.

On a particular june afternoon, just after arriving home from school after I was severely humiliated by classmates and some town bullies, I was going to take my horse out for a ride. My borther was playing with his archery set shooting at targets. Well needless to say he shot a arrow high in the air and it came down right beside my leg as I was mounting my lovely horse. I was so pissed off at him, I started to yell at him. My "dad" being in the shed over heard this and came storming out and grabbed me and of course believed my idiotic brother over me. I guess I must be as crazy as they thought I was. I was strung up and whipped and badly beaten yet again. I yelled at my "dad". "Why don't you just kill me". His response was "Watch it I just may do that to you, you little sissy freak." That nigth I remember clearly as if it was only yesterday that I needed kill myself and get away from this nightmare I seemed to be living. Now at 9 years old I was pretty intellegent. The following morning well I woke up well before everyone and snuck downstairs to my "dads" gun cabinet and pulled out a shotgun and loaded a shell into it. I had seen him load it many times before and wel I just knew. As I was about to pull the trigger, my "mother" screamed and I dropped the gun on the floor and it went off and put a nice hole in the deep refridgerator and wall. Well I was beaten bloody and was taken into the hospital in town and told that I was to be put under suicide watch. I was given many drugs to calm me and make me extremely sleepy. My "parents" left me there and didn't visit. I went under shock therapy ad heavy drugs and under constant watch while I was strapped to the bed. to this day I stil bear the marks from those straps.

As the weeks passed and turned into months. I came to realize that my "parents" left me there and I was never to see them again. I cried and wanted to die so bad, that why was I here on earth , when I knew that no one loved me,let alone cared about my well being. It was 11 months later I was taken back to the farm and locked in my room while everyone enjoyed themselves. I missed so much school I failed a grade and was set back. I was them given classes at home through the door. A I was not allowed out of my room. The rapes and severe beating persisted as I kept my journal or as much as I could write with broken fingers that were constantly smacked by a ruler. I had not to many conversations with my "parents" I was ignored and when i did speak I was told to shut up or face the penalty. so I continued to talk and paid the penalty for my actions. This became a daily routine for me. I began to taunt my brother and my "father" so much that I could see the anger there and the disdain he had for me. I also realized that his love was so strong for my brother it proved my point of not being like the others( referenced y Sesame Street). I taunted my "mother" and called her all sorts of names. The blame I laid on her was for not protecting me and supporting me in my time of need. That realization came to me years later when I found her writings that she too was being abused by my father. my amazement became clear that she didn't want me either as she herslef was being victimized as much as myself and she too was powerless. My resolve came when I turned 15 years old. I celebrated quietly. I rode my horse and competed in my best barrel race to date and placed 1st and 2nd in all the competitions that day. My anger I took out on the other competitors with my attitude and ego. You see I wore very female outfits and that I beleive agrivated the cometitors and upon which sparked some strength n myself.

My hope began that day as I planned to make my escape from hell. The first 15 years of my life were hell and I readily admit it. I went through alot of abuse, beatings, hatred, dejection, physical, physchological,emotional torment. Many suicide attempts. I can only wish now that as I look back that I was successful in a sense, however, my life has changed so much since I left. I guess I was not as crazy as they thought I was , nor I thought I was..............

**** footnote to this the institution I was admitted to and spent 11 months was closed 4 years later due to allegations of severe abuse and questionable practices by it's practitoners. Mny court cases went before judges and some were successful, others were dismissed including my own attempt to sue and recieve compensation.

TO BE CONTINUED

Caution, some rape and abuse scenes. Please feel free to post points to improve on or comments. This is true and this reflects what I had to start doing in order to survive. Thanks for reading, I appreciate it very much.

Let me first begin by saying that, although I had a troublesome upbringing for my first 15 years of my life. I began see some hope. a glimmer you might say in the struggle to find some freedom from the abuse and rape that occured nightly. I also found a glimmer of strength through this as I confronted my "mother" one day about 10 days before my 15th birthday. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was sick and tired of the crap that I was endurring and that she blatently gnored my pleas for help and assistance. Her classic response to me was " I was nt aware of what was going on".
I simply got really pissed off and told her" you certainly did know what was going on and you ignored it and protected your asshole husband and not me".
She replied " well I was not aware of what was going on and if it was you were and are lying".
I told her to Fuck off and upon that she splapped me harder than I think I have ever been slapped before. Of course there would be serious reprecussions for my outburst. I was beaten before bed that night.

I should maybe mention to you readers that at 15 I was tall and weighing at abot 120 pounds. I stood at five feet eleven inches. and very thin as I was very malnourished. I had esentially been starved and deprived food nutrients along with the minor estrogen intake I had developed a sizze breasts. I was humiliated and very scared as this torment continued at school and my style of dress was considerally female. I also knew that standing against my "father" was a suicide attempt in all purposes. As he stood six feet six and weighed about 260 and it was not by any stretch that there was no fat on his frame. My mother stood five foot eight and about 160 and not thin either. In the four remaining years I endured the abuse/rape and harrassment, I garnered some money by selling my tackle I had acculated over the years from my horse riding. As I have mentioned I did not have any freinds within my community. I developed a acquaintance with a fellow horsewoman by the name of Jennifer, she was a bit older than I was at the time I had met her at one Four H meeting in a small town not to far from where I lived. She eventually moved to the city and I remained in contact with her via letters. (no email then).

I endurred so much abuse that I had reached the boiling point i guess you could say. I was beaten down and badly bruised. I never thought I would get the oppertunity to escape and eventually start life anew.

This timely event occured on the tenth of may. I had made my plan and figured how I could escape. It was not going to be easy. I was sent to bed early after my beating from my father. I cried myself to sleep. I awoke at three AM and gathered my small amount of clothing. two skirts, one dress, two pairs of girls jeans, a pair of sandals, my runners and "my" estrogen meds I stole from my "mother" approximately 4 onths supply. I gathered my journal notebooks and a windbreaker jacket into my dufflebag. I opened my window and tossed my dufflebag onto the ground. I slowly squeezed out of that window and litterally fell to the ground. I screeched as I hit the ground. I was in total fear that I was heard and my heart was beating so fast that I was sure I was going to get caught. I paused and waited for ten minutes and then decided to get up and escape that hellhole I thought was my home and my sancuary.

I slowly made my way through the yard, ducking between fuel tanks and the grain bis and eventually into the trees that surrounded the backside of the farm. All the while I was looking back to see if anyone had noticed my escape. I made my way accross our wheat feilds and into the nighbors feilds. Eventually I came accross my first slough (water filled muck,low area of land). I walked arround this which was huge area and I eventually made it to the grid road where I followed it til I reached the highway that led into town. I did not have a watch on so i guessed it took me about 2 hours or so the get that far. The sun was sowly rising on the eastern horizon. I was walking west. Once I reached town I walk briskly through it and to the highway that led towards the city. I started walking along the highway til I hoped to have a ride.

I was wearing my faded jeans(girls) and light blue tank top. I had no bra on so my tiny breasts were bouncing as I walked. my hair was in a pony tail and it was just below shoulder length. Being natual red head proved a benefit for me. I suppose I walked about 2 miles along the highway when there was avery loud noise behind me and I turned and I saw a semi trailer truck approaching . I instinctively raised my hand with right thumb extended. I so hoped to get a ride if he stopped. I needed to escape this area and fast. He pulled up a fare distance up from me and stopped and I ran as fast I could muster to get to this vehicle.
I openned the passenger door and he asked me if I needed a ride, upon which I nodded my head. I climed in and off we went. My nightmare life in hell was going to be over. He introduced himself as Darren. I told him my name.

We began some small talk. He asked me " where I was headed"

I replied "the city"

he responded " ok"

I thanked him fro the ride.

He then asked me. " How old I was"
I replied. " fifteen"

I could see on his face a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

He asked me. " where I was comming from"

I lied to him and said I was on my way to the city and had missed the bus. no need to tell him the real reason. I was scared as it was. I think he noticed my skittishness.
I asked him. Where he was heading to?"
His reply. " going north to a base camp for miners."

All I did was nod my head. appraoximately three hours later he dropped me off in the city and I walked to a mall where I could call my freind Jennifer. I was releived to be away from hell and had a new challenge and journey about to begin. This journey would take me to all sorts of cities in Canada. This journey would test my endurance and strength to survive. A chance at life, hope, I was so uncertain.......

TO BE CONTINUED

Life goes on and major changes occurr for me. The struggle to find my place begins.

After I was at my freind Jenifers residence we began to talk. I told her what had transpired over the last few months at home. I also mentioned to her my plan for my eventual escape and how I ended up on my cross country trek. Our conversation picked up a fair bit.

She asked me" what are your plans? Do you have any?"

I replied. " off hand I have no idea, however I do need to escape from here"

Jennifer stated." she could help me be myself."

I simply nodded my head in agreement. Seeing how I had arrived there kinda more like a girl than anything androgynous.

She asked me if I wanted some sinner. I nodded my head.

After Dinner I went and had a long hot bubble bath. I needed this as my bones were aching and I needed to think. When I emerged from the tub , I asked Jenn if I could borrow some shorts or a nightgown to relax in. She nodded and went to her room and found one. It was light pink and had a picture of a robin on it. I have one similar to that today. I really began to feel remorse for what I did. However, I knew I had to do what I needed to do or else I would have ended up dead at my own hands. I also had to reconsider where and what my purpose was going to be. I also had to reevaluate my strategy in case they came looking for me. For some reason I knew they wouldn't. I went to sleep on the couch.

The next morning I went to the kitchen and talked with Jenn. I asked her what she meant by assisting me. She kindly mentioned to me.

Jenn " I can help you if you really need to figure a way to get out of here and start new"

My reply was " how?"
Jenn Said " I can redo your hair and get you some clothes, as I know you have not that much." I nodded my head.

Jenn also mentioned that I would need to get my ears pierced and get some makeup and clothes at the mall. I was not quite exactly how I was going to manage that trick work out as I only had a few clothes to wear and they seriously needed a wash. Jenn measured me from head to toe and then left. The only clothes I had were not nearly enuff to get me through a week.

A few hours later, Jenn arrived at home with 4 bags of clothes, makeup and jewlery. She told me to strip and then go to the bathroom and shave my body clean. I did. I had a really stunned look on my face as I went. I was scared and seriously pondered my choice to leave and start new. I also knew in the back of my mind I made the right choice, I think!.

90 minutes later I was clean and smelling pretty. Seeing how I did not need that much padding for my chest as I had alsready a size A breast, Jenn assisted me with a bra and told me to try on the panties she got for me. I did with much hesitation. Three hours later I found myself absolutely gorgeous. My skirt was knee length (grey) and a light pink top. My hair was below my shoulders (auburn). I found myself staring at my reflection. Jenn broke my interlude by saying "lets go". I was stunned and shocked at this. So I asked her where. Her smile said it all ...."shopping". I was extremely nervous, scared and a bit excited. I managed to hold my composure as we left for the Woolco store in the mall ( now Wal-Mart).

I really had my doubts as to my course here. My plans! My future! What life could I possible hold? I am small town girl, Yes I considered myself a girl at this point. As we walked in the store which was enormous, we headed for the intimates section. I told her "Jenn, I cannot afford this stuff?" She replied "do not worry about it, you can pay me back sometime". I was shocked when we left as I had 4 new bras, three skirts, 3 matching tops and heels, highest was 3 inches. I peffered my 2 inch heels tho which were black and had CZ studs on the straps. ( my favorite, I still wear them today. I also have a pair that have real diamonds on the strps). Two Hours later we arrived back at her apartment. and I unloaded my clothes. I eventually tried all my clothes on and settled on my grey/black aline skirt(mini) and light grey tank top(cut off at the navel). We went out for dinner that night. I also made notes as to what it cost so I could reimburse Jenn later.

I guess at this point I should mention to you the reader a bit about my freind Jennifer, well she was 5'8 approximately 150 and athletic, she went to school in the city. She was in grade 11. And at 17 was also working as a waitress in a coffee shop. I had met her at a 4H meet. Over the years she became my source of inspitation and remained freinds until she passed away in 2000.

We eventually went out and met some of her freinds. Abby was 5'4 and quite shy, Marrissa was 5'9 and very talkitive and loud. There were a few guys there which I assumed were the girls boyfreinds. Allan was seated with Marrissa, and kent was with Abby. Unbeknownst to me that night would be the start of something new. We were eventually joined by a few other of Jenn's male highschool freinds. Tim was 6'2 and very muscular. Adam was the complete opposite of Tim, he was 5'7 and skinny ( not nerd skinny) just nice looking in his jeans. I fo0und out that both played on the football team and were senors and well I knew that Adam started to look at me with interest. After all the intorductions were made and some small talk exchanged. We went out and walked to the park, which was a quarter mile away. the girls paired off with there boyfreinds and I was stuck talking with Adam and Tim. I was very nervous and somewhat skittish at this point. I knew Adam started to chat with me. Not paying much attention to what was going on. He slipped his arm arround my waist and we started to walk a fare distance away from the rest of them. I wondered where Tim had disapeared to and Adam told me that he decided that a "fifth wheel" was not needed here and he left.

Adam started a conversation with me bt asking me." where I was from? How did I know Jenn? Did I go to school in the city? How old was I? How long was I going to stay in the city?"

I answered very quietly " I said a few hours drive south of the city," "I met her at 4H meet", I was out of school right now as I was only 15 years old" I also told him I was not sure how long I was going to stay here in the city"
He asked me why the bruises? I told him I fell. I did not realize that I was still bruised on my stomache and shoulder. That was from the last beating my dad gave me. I do not heal well from injuries.

Anyhow our conversaton was light and I began to warm up to him in a big way. He eventually put his arm arround me and we kissed. my first real kiss from a nice guy, However my thoughts were conflicting. Do I tell him? Do I submit to him like I have done before? D I feel the need to be loved? Thos questions I would never have answered becuase the next few minutes things changed as I was lowered to the grass and was kissed quite harshly and then I was punched and then my hell began again. I submitted to his advances and I took him into my mouth when he stripped to his underwear. He called me a slut, whore and a freak. Somehow I guess he must have figured things out for himself and knew what and who I was. He abused me that night in the park and raped me just like my father and brother had. I realized that this was going to me my path from now on. Or at least til it either killed me or I killed myslef over this. I began my life as a tennage prostitute. I guessed that life does go on and well ,life for me will go on, just not the way I had envisioned for my self as major changes occured that night. The scars will remain and I have changed. The better or worse, my future would only tell me that if I survived it, that is............

To Be Continued

Please leave comments or points to improve on. Thanks.

** Of interest the park is Patricia Park. The store was located at the north end of the city. Jenn lived four locks from there. Woolco was the anchor store to the mall here in the city and eventually was changed over in the mid nineteen eighties.

Part 8 Life on the Road Begins

All material is copywrite 2008 by Prairie_girl_64 (parts 1 thru 8)

After my Brutal rape and assault by Adam , I sat down and talked with Jenn about what had transpired. She asked me how I felt.

Jenn " How do you feel about what happened to you? I know you went through hell with your dad and brother, how do feel about a repeat?"

My response was " Well I am scared like hell and upset, I just cannot make sense of this whole episode, is this the life I want or am destined to live?"

Jenn " I am not sure I can answer that for you hun, that is something you and you alone have to decide."

All I could do was nod my head as if in agreement. She went on to ask me if I enjoyed it. I told her "in a sense I did, it was a sense of belonging, a sense of love." All she could do was shake her head. I truely believe that years after all this personal hell I went through, she was the one person that never criticized me or my actions.

Several days past and I was dressed in my tight black skirt and white tank top. I decided to go for a walk while Jenn was at work. I wandered down to the local video arcade and some other minor shops along 12th avenue. I entered the jewlery shop and browsed about. I ended up purchasing three pair of earings, whales, dolphins and starfish.( I still have them today). I then ventured to the vdeo arcade as I was very curious as to what was there. I had never been subjected to video games or the like. Growing up in rural Canada, you only had three television channels (the two local ones and a french station). Upon entering the arcade who did I spot but Adam, and he noticed me right off the bat. He came over to me and said "Hi". I just noddeed my head.He took my hand and lead me to the open area of the arcade where his freinds were. I was introduced to 5 guys, Ken, Gordon, Phil, and Stan. After introductions were made, the guys went and finished doing whatever it is what guys do in a arcade. Adam stayed by my side. He had a firm grip on my hand and wouldn't let go. I finally broke the silence between us by stating " why dis you rape me last night?" He Smled and said " He wanted to cause I was to much of a slut and deserved to be raped". I replied by saying " that was mean and nasty, do you not care about me? Or is all sex with you?". He nodded his head and said, "both". I had a quizical look on my face and asked him " if you cared then why rape me?" He said " cause he wanted to and I was going to regardless if you wanted it or not" Then he went on and said " because I can do what I want with girls and I KNOW I can with you". I was shaking by this time and told him I had to go as Jenn would soon be home and I told him I needed to go. He kissed me hard and winked at me then stated " we shall meet again for more fun, very soon". I left.

I arrived home 20 minutes later and told Jenn what happened. All she did was nodd her head and said" your choice how you want to live hun". After dinner Adam showed up and things progressed from there, I wnet out with him(reluctant)and we met his freinds and well I ended up doing them all more than once in both my mouth and rear. I was so sore and crying when I arrived home several hours later. I crawled into the tub and cried some more and tried to wither the pain away. The next day Jenn was gone before I woke up. I made a decission well I ate. I wrote a note to Jenn.

Dearest Jenn,

I have decided on my path and that is a life that was set by my father and my family. I am leaving here and will contact you when I reach my destination. I will be on the road for a while. I have no idea for how long. I am not sure what I will do, I do know that I will somehow manage. I love you and as a freind I will cherish that freindship forever. Please do not worry. I will contact you when I can.

Love
Mellissa

PS. if for some reason you are contacted by Adam, tell him you have no idea where I went.

I set off to go North. A city about two and a half hours away. I began my life on the road and my survival. I was not sure what I would find, yet alone what I could do. I was only a grade eight graduate and well not many oppertunities for a grade eight young boy that looks like a girl. I had grown my hair out and was a lovely dark red and wearing heels and a short mini skirt I was statuesque at 6 feet 2. I was still rail thin and today I am still relatively sexy I think. I found a small place not far from the main drive and settled into this place, it was low cost hotel, fifteen dollars a day or a monthly rate of two hundred. I began my street education that night when a a guy of about 40 years old paid me 200$ for sex. I was not looking for anything just walking to the store. It dawned on my after that I could make some serious money at this. Each hour or so I was making money. tall asian male approached me and told me I could work for him, I told him no. Several others whom had wittnessed the conversation told him not to push it as they were with me. Wow I thought. new in town and new to this and I began to make freinds right away. The first girl I met , her name was Mandi, the second was trish and the third and forth were cathi and claire. This guy never stood a chance with them let alone with me. I soon began making serious money and by the end of that first night I think I made about four hundered dollars. Mind you I had been out there for at least elelven hours.

I decided to make a effort to get a bank account and save some money so if there was a chance of going to school I would or anyplace I ended up I might settle down. As the nights and weeks passed on I ended up leaving to go west and see what was out there. I had written a letter to Jenn saying I was okay and not to worry. I made about five thousand dollars for the time I was with the girls working on the corners and making many good clients. One client I really got to know and always tipped me more than I felt I was worth. His name was Kendal, he was somehot shot business type.

I moved on and kept making freinds and doing my nightly strolls on the corners. Mostly by bars and disco's etc. I ended up banking alot of what I made anyhow. I was propositioned by a lot of guys that told me I could work for them and they would give a great life. Yeah right. I became very street wise and savvy well working in the two cities so far. Who knew that this skinny little freak that my parents called me would be this street wise girl and would not take shit from anyone. I guess looking back now I know I messed up while on the streets. I will always hold what I did as survival and I gained my esteem back and some self worth. Even it is well misplaced. I had alot of regular clients and always treated them to the best time they ever had. I worked from 3 in the afternoon tol well past dawn the following morning. Sometimes sixteen to eightteen hours each day. The money was not great. However it helped me live as best I could. I always wore tight short mini skirts and low tops and my breast began to grow as I was able to get birth control pills at the pharmacy or from my freinds. Where ever we went after work, we were gawked at and even propositoned and sometimes we took those new clients to new hieghts in pleasure. I was raped and began to actually enjoy it. I found that after each encounter, I was seeking love and acceptance and approval from my potentional clients and I recieved payment for this. After 5 months there in the north I went west by GreyHound and found a different style of clients. These were rich and would pay alot to have a "girl" like me. The times were rich and the men were hot and I grew in both stregth and stamina. I could go all night if I had to with certain clients. I will let you know I never drank or did any drugs while I was doing this and I am proud I never did. After 3 months there and made alot of money I ventured west farther than I expected. I ended up near the Pacific Ocean. I relished the scenerey, the skyline, the air of the city. I started working the streets in late JAnuary of my 16th year. I guess I had been on the road doing my thing for almost a year and a few months when I ended up on the coast. I stayed there working til late summer, when I got bored and headed east and did not know where I would end up. Several days later I ended up 8 hours from where I first started off so many months before (the city where Jenn lived). I guess it became routine for me, I would pick up my clients on the main drag and then have the required sex and get dropped off. I did make alot of freinds in this line of work and we came to protect each other. We had a system if you could call it that, if we were not back in a specific time them one would ask his/her client for help finding us. My habit became I would write the plate numbers of my clients down and I also had my journal with me each and every night I was strolling for money. I stayed there for 7 months before I got bored and decided to head west again to a the boom town I call it and see if I could make some more money. My life on the road.....pleasure/pain/enjoyment....I hardly think so. I do know this ..I grew up really quickly after I left home which seemed a lifetime ago, and I guess it was. I continued to write Jenn when and where I could. I guess my road life was beneficial and yet continued with my suffering and pain.......

TO BE CONTINUED

** Footnote here. The west coast city I was at before heading east made alot of headline recently with Robert Picton. I strolled the same street corners as the girls he murdered.

Copywrite 2008

Part 8 b: Tragedy of the spirit.

I slowly began to wonder if I had made the right choices. Was I bad person for leaving when I did? Did the choice to leave make any sense to me. Being 15 when I left and being on the road for over a year now I wondered?. Have those choices I made a lifetime ago it seems , make any sense?.

I layed in bed one night wondering why all these questions. I soon relaized some of the answers. Yes, I made the right choice to leave. No the choices to life and survive on the street were not good choices. I would rather be here than face the wrath at home. I also knew I did not have a hom, let alone parent. None that would accept me nor love me. I always thought that it was a parents responsibility to love and nurture and protect there children from harm. I guess that never applied to me!. I suppose when I did decide to return home(the city), that there would be some form of consequences if I was ever found. I also wondered if I was really a bad person. did I make a concious effort to deflect or defend my self against insurmountable odds. No! I knew I never would have won any battles. I was a weak, uneducated child. I was beaten to the core of any existance, both physchologically as well as physically. Oh my word, I so hated them. I so hated for what I have become. I have learned life lessons now, I have learned survival. I wondered if I had or would be able to continue to life this life and see what lies ahead for me.I did indeed have instincts of survival. I had given myself freely to men and some women in prostitution and been payed for those acts. I have gained stregth. however I have lost so much more tha that. I began to wonder if I would ever gain my spirit back.

I walked arround the streets and picked up my tricks for the night. Some were generous, others were not. I was raped more times that I think I have ever been. Even when I was at home, the degredation I felt and still feel is insurmountable.

After 4 months at the eastern city, I further traveled east and began a lifetime of experiernce and made many street freinds. I also gained alot of smarts while in this rather large concrete jungle of glass and steel. It was a rich city, so diverse. Lots of limos, nice cars, fancy people in their designer clothes, much fancier than what I wore. I constantly shifted my small wardrobe from grey mini skirts to black mini skirts to the occassional pair of tight form fitting jeans. I was really well developed. my freinds say I have a 32 A cup now and I have never been properly measured. I guess at 5'11 134 I was damned sexy and glamorous. I always strolled areas where there were like minded "girls" amd "boys". I made alot of great people and learned from them on a nightly basis. The thoughts of guilt kept creeping into my head. What was a guilty about? My life actually, I erally hated my life, I hated whom I was and what I became. I could have had so many oppertunities. Yeah right....Not. living in that hell i would have killed myself soon I figured. I was still guilty and still hurt from all those beatings I had.

My life did not get any beter nor had it improved much since I was on the road. sure, I saw alot of nice places.Places I never knew existed. People I met. Sme were nice, others very rude and very ignorant. I guess it went with the times. I offened cried after my twelve to sixteen hour strolls and between all that I still had to find food. That was hard to do seeing how much I was doing every day. I had a full time job and well my body felt it and I was rail thin. I thougt and cried and was thouroughly stressed out over all of what I had gone through to this point. My oh My, I was stil a tenn for crist sakes. What life is this. Shit!. I was mature for a sixteen year old almost seventeen. Shit! why me.

I continued my stroll and my cross Canada excursion. I did this til I surpassed my seventeenth birthday. I celebrated that historical day by have a night of sex with one of my popular clients. He took me out to dinner and then to a movie. I bought myself my very first LBD and god did it feel great. I knew tony for a while and in the months I was in the concrete jungle, we met every night for some serious fun. We also talked about life, hobbies. I think if he was not a married man. He probably asked me to move in with him. I am not so sure I would have done that at all. I loved my independence. He was rich, drove a lincoln and always was freindly with me. He never pushed the limits like most of my clientelle. He was nice. On my birthday I told him I would meet him at my favorite corner at 5 and as expected he was on time. He was dressed really sharp, dark blue shirt and blazer with black pants. Really sharp. I wore my LBD with my 4 inch black heels. I did my makeup and my hair to perfection. This was a special nigth fr me and well it was certainly special for him as well. He told me how beautiful I was, how much he wanted to take me home. alas, he was married and that was a disappointment. I felt I was falling into infatuation with this guy. He treated me like the adult I was, even tho I was about thirty years younger than he was.

I seriously began to doubt my prospects after that night. I was told that I get out if I wanted too. I was told that there had to be a better life for me. I questioned that logic. Yeah right! Noth for me, small town girl, no life, no parents. Highly unlikely I would make a success for myself. I wondered tho I guess if I could make it. however those thought faded and I continued with my tricks of the trade. I was in the service industry. I had the demand for sex and the supply was endless. I guess my fear was so strong that I guess rejection of love. I felt loved when I pulled my sex acts every night. I was satisfied to a point. I would never be loved nor accepted as a person. I was a teen prostitute that wore girls clothes and on hormones to enhance my body. No where to go, life on the road would I guess continue. I would die doing this or maybe I could escape. My personal bet was on option number one. Was I destined to be alone...I beleive so. and I felt that it was true......

TO BE CONTINUED

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 19 FATHERS THOUGHTS

Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64

Caution , This Chapter is thoughts from my father on what he was doing to me durring my stay at home. This chapter has some graphic content as well as a insight into his mindset. I recovered a diary of my mothers in 1999 well going through the house for possessions. This pains me to no end here to place this on BC , however with support from those I trust and many emails I have recieved from freinds I needed to post this chapter.

I was happy to have a first born son, even though he was not my biological boy, I was overjoyed when my wife Francis and myself (Murray) saw the bundle of joy. I always hoped to have a son where I could teach him to run a tractor, teach him to shoot, go to the usual ball games. Francis doted over him. He was realeased to us on july 6 1964, he was a adopted child. His mother and father were of Irish decent. he had the most wonderful lock of red hair. He weighed 7 pounds 4 and 1/2 ounces. Made me proud. His Blue eyes were gems. I was so proud as a father.

Things changed for our little quaint family when my wife told me she was pregnant. I was completely overwealmed with the thought of our family expanding. I was so hoping for a girl, I had my son. I guess I should mentioon here that our son we named Glenn Dale.

The pregnancy was a good one and n August 1966 our son Daniel was born. He weighd in at a nice 8 pounds 11 ounces. Our little family was complete, I now had two sons. I was ecstatic.

Things began to change when Glenn, started to look thin and acted not quite right. I soon discovered he was secretly dressing in my wifes clothes. I found al this out very quicklly in the summer of 1970. I was really pissed off and I grabbed him by the collar and dragged his sorry ass to the barn. He was kicking and screaming, he was yelling and definitely crying. I stripped his clothes off. i was steamed and seeting mad I wanted to beat the lving hell out of him. I strung him by the chain I had in the barn for hoisting engines. and let him hang there. he was crying and telling me he was sorry. I ignored him and proceeded to whip him with my belt and he wailed. I then reached for a bridle and proceeded to whipm the shit out of him and yelling at him " you freak, you faggot, you queer". I was relentless in the beating . Somewhere I knew I was going to beat this fucking littel perversion out of him if it killed him. I let him hang there , like I do with the slaughtered animals I keep in the meat shack. I was not repulsed to see the blood dripping off his back. He was bruised and I didn't care. I was going to punish him and punish him I did. The time faded fast and the sun began to slip in the west and I lowered the chains and yelled at him " hey little faggot, you have 10 minutes to crawl or walk to the house and eat, if not you don't eat and you will be stuck here." I stormed off to the house.

I explained to my wife what went on and she nodded. She was still looking after our 4 year old son Daniel. After 10 minutes had passed , I went and locked the shed. I saw the lifeless body of Glenn and figured he was in no shape to make it and oh well he can bloody well stay there for the night. I went and carried on with some last minute items on the tractor. At 5 Am I went to the barn and Glenn was awake and bloody, I told him to fucking get his ass in the house and get cleaned up as he had chores to do and then we would have a long talk later. I was seething still. My anger did not subside at all this day.

After supper that evening , i hauled Glenn into the living room and told him to keep his mouth shut. my wife was there with Daniel. Glenn sat on the floor with his legs out to one side. He looked so pathetic. I proceeded to lay the law down to him.

I said " from now on sissy, you will follow these rules and they WILL be followed. Your mother and I talked and if this is how you want to be then so be it, you will be a fucking sissy and a girl all the time. if you so much as step outside the rules you will be beaten and I do not fucking care how badly you get beat." All Glenn did was stare and he strated crying and was shaking so badly. I erally did not care at this point so I hauled off and slapped him accross the fass and he went flying against the wall. My wife took daniel to the bathroom and gave my 4 year old son a bath. I decided that Glenn no longer was my son. I hated him and he was going to punished.

We sent him off to bed and told him to not make a peep or he would be punished. My wife just carried on with her evening and prepared Dan for bed. I love Dan with all my heart and hoped he would not turn out like Glenn the little sissy and faggot.

The following days passed and Glenn followed direct orders and he barely made eye contact with me. My wife tried to console him but he openly rejected her. I guess he wanted nothing to do with either of us. That was fine with me. I would punish him and make him respect us. After all we were the ones that had to put up with his bullshit. He talked back to my wife one friday afternoon before supper and well off to the barn for another beating ad I beat him. I erally do not remember much of it. I do know that I left him bleeding on the floor from his back and legs again and a few bruises on his head and bloodied nose. I locked the barn up and went in for supper. Francis never asked where Glenn was. The same routine went on for weeks and then months. My son Daniel grew so quick. I was so proud to have him as my son. He was my own and I was going to show him everything that a father would show his son. Glenn became a inconvienience. He was useless. Sure he got good grades and did well in 4H and with his horse on the farm with the cattle, over and above that he was useless. We dressed him in dresses and skirts and shoes fit for any floozy. He wanted to dress as a girl well he would get to 24/7. I doted on Dan always, gave him a gun at 8 and a bow and arrow at 10. Glenn became a liability for me and I punished him all the time. I beat him daily for for the pure hell of it. My wife never batted a eye at this as dan became the center of her life as well as mine.

I decided to step up the punishments alot more with making sure that Glenn knew the rules and regulations of being a female. I began to sneak in and beat him while in bed. I have no remorse for what I did to him. I raped him repeatedly. He wanted to be a submissive fucking pansy and a sissy he was going to be on. I really did not give a fuck. I raped him til he bled and then beat him. After each session as I began to reference them, I would entertain my wifes sexual prowess. Glenn was useless as a human being in my eyes and I did not want him. Oh sure, he cried and whined and yelled alot, I ignored it all and gave no care to what he said or did, he spoke back to me, he got beat. MY rules. he never had any say in this. I made him bleed repeatedly night after night and I even invited Dan to enjoy the pleasure of beating the little faggot and sissy. We punished Glenn more and humiliated him by giving him nothing for his birthdays and for christmas. Dan recieved all our love and attention. Dan was doted upon. I really didn't give a flying fuck what Glenn thought or did. He disappointed me greatly. He was no man. he was and will always be a sissy and a faggot.

I told him time and time again that he " will never ammount to anything, his life is as useless as he is, he will be a deadbeat, a prostitute that was all he was good for."He looked the part, with long red hair and a slight build. HE WAS NO SON OF MINE. He was a embarrassment. We were both a bit affraid he might spill his guts to the church pastor or his school freinds, if he had any. I know he talked to his freinf Jenn alot. One nice thing about country life there was the "party Line". Everyone knew what went on at all times just picking up the reciever and listening. I knew he talked to jenn alot , but nothing was said. My secret was safe. if it did get out there I would kill him and burry his body in the field where I burry the dead cows. Fuck I hate that sissy faggot.

He celebrated his 15th birthday on May 2, 1979 and we gave him a small cake and a few small gifts. I wish we didn't have too. He caused us alot of trouble ever since we brought him into our house. What a complete waste of a human being. What a sissy. Always going to be a bit girlish I thought. I also thought what a fucking loser. I also wished he would die. When dinner and cake was done He immediately left to the bath and cleaned up and went to bed. I proceeded to enter the room and abuse him, he just layed there and took it like the little bitch sissy he was. He cried of course and I made him bleed. I always walked out with a smile on my face.

The next morning I proceeded to go to his room and openned his door. I olooked in and the window was open and he was not there. I smiled and thought good. maybe the sissy faggot ran away and will kill himself or be killed. I was happy. I had Dan and he was a real man or will be soon. My efforts would be now turned to him and make sure he had all the keys to life. I didn't care about Glenn, he is now a memory. A sad one at that. Good riddence. Hope he rots in HELL.

*** This part took alot for me to include here and I appologize if it will make some readers queesy. I had to shed some light on how demented my father was. he was a sick perverted bastard. enuff said. I thank tose who wrote me emails to share a bit of a background on my "father". I did so reluctantly, however I boldly did so. Comments are welcomed and points to improve on. Thanks

TO BE CONTINUED

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 10 Resolution chapter 1
Copywrite 2008 Parts 1 thru 12 by prairie_girl_64

I began to wonder if I could escape this hell, without suicide. This question I pondered for a some time now. I was now away from any kind of normal existance for almost two years. What by standards is considered normal. I certainly did not describe myself as such. How could I , I was confused, at a complete loss at 15 and very much insecure at about life. My many journey's accross the country in the last two years I began to correlate thoughts and feelings. Was there a resolution for me? I often thought no way. I guess I never gave it consideration after I left Jenn. I traveled west and set up "camp" ans did my thing.

My thoughts and my dreams were I suppose a dream. I knew this in the back of my mind. I also realized that I lost my childhood, my fredom, my hopes when I left home at 15. Rather I escaped hell on earth then. Was I better for doing that? Was I good person doing it? There was a lot of internal confusion. I still struggle with those questions and many others today. My resolve never ended as I walked and performed my nightly duties.I still resolved that sooner or later I would either escape this or I would be killed from it.

My hair was quite long , almot to my waiste at this time. I kept it well groomed. My complexion was was clear and no zits, thank god. If I did it would mean alot. Stil at 135 at last weigh in at the thwalk in clinic. I resolved to find some answers for myself here,one way or the other!. In june I would encounter a life altering event that would give me some perspective and a posible resolution to this affair......

************

Tragedy of the Spirit part 11 A resolution chapter 2

The first part of June was a normal routine for me. I started my "shift" if you would call it that at approximately 5 pm. I always perched myself out on the main drag and in the business area. I was always successful that I would get my tricks and my fun for the night with as many guys as posible. I was not always alone on the corner tho, alot of girls and boys were also there and we had staked out certain parts of that street as our own. We all strolled and we always looked out for each other. Consequences for our nightly strolls were common occurences. Girls and guys would come home bloodied and bruised. I was not immune either. It was a painful reminder of my consistant abuse I had endurred for so many years.Would it end? I certainly had no idea.

The nineteenth of June provided me with a resolution and I was shocked and definitely scared to deathas to how close I actually ccame to death that night. This I will remember to the day I die. Let me first start by going back to the start of the night...

The afternoon was hot and humid for a june day, mid 80's and I was dressed in my tight black mini with a red halter top(cross over,one shoulder bare). The make up was perfect, I had all the essentials in my purse. I guess that I had serviced about 14 guys by the time midnigth arrose.I had also made some substantial earnings wich I would check later. My estimation about 500$. You see trans girls were and still are paid quite generously. My clients always made me feel special. I know I did them. I was dropped off by my last "JOHN" at about 12:20 and started talking with some of the gals and guys at the corners. the streets were quit busy. Cars, trucks vans, limo's, etc. Even the bar crowds were venturing about the hot humid night.

The next thing I knew I heard screams and shouts to get down. Everything went into slow motion as I heard shots from accroos the street where I was standing against the wall. What happened next, I will always remember.... My resolution came clear..........

TO BE CONTINUED

Please leave comments or points to improve on,thanks.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 26 DEFENSE DEPOSITION

COPYRIGHT 2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

While laying in my hospital bed, contemplating my overall existance in the world. My depression worsened over the next few weeks. Then my world colapsed completely when I was told that I was almost paralyzed from the brutal attack that I had endurred.

Brutally assaulted I was, my god, what could possible happen too me now for crying out loud. I cried for a days after that news. I sank deeper into my self imposed depression. I have never in my life felt so worthless and alone as I have in my entire life. Well; maybe while being assualted and raped at home.

I can recall the thursday morning at 950 am when this elderly gentelman arrived at my door and asked me if I was Mellissa. I calmly replied "yes". He entered the room and introduced himself as Grant Mc Vie. Mr Mc Vie was tall and farely robust. at at slightly over 6 feet and about 255 he had greying hair at the temples and wored glasses that did no justice to his face what so ever. After the breif introductions and pleasantries out of the way, Grant asked me to recall the evening in question and what I remembered about it. I guess I should mention the fact he was representing my ex Jason.

I recalled everything that transpired that evening up til the point I lost conciousness. Grant went to explain that his client was pleading not guilty. He claimed that I had decieved him for the entire time we were dating. He (Jason) claimed that it was a accidental beating that went too far. I was visably shaken at that stupid comment and statement. I damned well knew that, that asshole jason knew exactly who I was fdrom the very beginning. I loitterally started swearing at Grant and he eventaully left, after the nurse came in and asked him to leave. I asked the nurse to call the doctor as I was starting to have some severe pains in my chest. I passed out.

I awoke three days later. The do0ctor that examined me told me that the pains in my chest were from stress and that they placed me on high sedation. I told him that I felt my chest was about to explode. They had placed a call the the crown and that she was informed of the visit by Mr. Mc Vie.

Again I lay in complete confusion and pain. I continued to be depressed and wished in my dreams that I wanted to die. I physically was broken. I was emotionally exausted. Sheila my therapist visited for many days and weeks after that horrible evernt with that defense attorney. I started to have a bit of hope that I was going to make this work for me. I was reinvigorated when I was told that Jason's trial was to start in 5 months. I swore that I would be physically ready, or as much as I could be when that asshole went on trial. I started to envisioned him getting the death penalty. (Canada abolished the death penalty in the late 1960's). I started to get a feeling of hope rather than despair. I( knew I had some hope of being there from all indications. I was starting to heal and some of my bandages were removed. I was still heavily casted and braced on my legs and arms and heavily bandaged arround my groin and ribs. I still wore the eye patech on my right eye. I still had extensive bruising on my jaw and neck. I hated the look. I looked like something out of a horror movie. Oh Yeah, my own horror movie, upon which I was the main player as well as victim.

The months passed by quickly and I slowly gained enuff strength to be moved arround again and back to physio. God I hated that place. However I began to realize that I need this assistance. Soon the month of the trial approached and well I guess I had a number of questions I needed to answer. One; Was I ready for this? Two; Could I handle being in the same room as Jason, my attacker? Would I be able to handle the constant questions from Mr. Mc Vie? How would the jury deliver it's verdict? What state would I be in when it started and when it was all over? Believe me I had thousands of questions, I just wish I had all the answers too them all. They would be answered soon enuff. If not all of them some of them...............

TO BE CONTINUED

Comments are appreciated as well as points to improove upon. Thanks for reading I appreciate it very much. Many Blessings on you.

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 12 Hope and Home....A new life perhaps?.
Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64

At the midst of the gunshots I did not know where to go....... I ducked and covered up as best I could. All I saw were flashes and then sparks and then quiet.....

The earie quiet was priceless. the noise was non existant. there was not even a sqeek from the rats and mice that surrounded the alley's trash cans. I lay still in the fetal position for maybe 20 minutes, it felt like a day. When I brought my head arround to see the sight on the opposite corner and the blood glistening as the street lights reflected. That was earie, I have never seen that sight before, there were also 4 bodies in various positions laying about. There was glass shattered about from car and shop windows. All I could hear was the sound of sirens as my head and ears began to clear. I looked at myself and I guessed I was safe from everything, I was however wrong, I was bleeding from my ankle. My shoes were off, my good jigh heeled shoes! DAMN, where were they? I located them about 4 feet away and behind me. My nylons were a wreck, ripped and torn. I looked like hell, my makeup was smeared as i looked up into the glass of the shop 3 feet from where my body lay. I was shaking and very scared. My concern was, was I shot?. All I ermember was the shots and me going to the sidewalk. Did I pass out for a second? What was happening arround me? I was not so sure anymore.

Mayhem errupted as police, ambulance and even fire personelle showed up. Alot of the girls that worked the corners fled. I stayed as I was shaken and not sure what was entirely happeneing. I felt I was shot as the blood kept trickling off my ankle. My body hurt, my head hurt and I was a mess. When the Emt's came accross the street to asses me, I was in shock and could not speak. I remember this as it would haunt me for many years to come. They looked e over and pronounced me okay. I had concrete splinters in my ankle and my knee. I was cleaned up and asked to sit still til the detectives came to talk to me. I was so shaken, scared. The detectives showed up and questioned me about what I saw. I related to tem what I only wittnessed before i covered up on the ground. It was not alot. I told them I saw a white truck approach and drop a girl off and then a blue car speed toward the truck and stop rather abruptly and 3 people jumped out, next I knew there were shots going off like fireworks. Rapid fireworks. I told them I went down and then slowly got up when I thought everythign was okay. The ove detective asked me if I knew the girls names. I relied "not really, I only knew them by nicknames and by seeing them." They scowled at me ad I shrugged. I was cold and shaking. I was escourted to the ambulance and covered with a blanket and given some water. That night would change my existance on the streets for ever. I had survived for nearly 22 months living in cheap rooms and being abused, raped, "loved", and I thought I had found acceptance. Alot of burning questions arrose that night for me. Going home? What was I going to do? Where was home? Will my life change? Yes, it had in a dramatic way.

******

I was shaking still when I arrived and entered my cheap room 4 hours later. I decided at that moment I was done. I decided to pack what belongings I had and head to where ever I decided to end up. It was shame really, I look back and think to myself , Wow! I had a good life here on the streets. I felt loved, accepted and yes I made money. Take all the shit I enduured growing up in that shit hole for a house with those "parents", this was a vacation for me. I belonged here. This was home! This was MY life! This was acceptable. OH my , I was so messed up? Or was I?. Yes I was so screwed up, I was scared of what my life was going to be. Did I have a life after this? What was I going to do? I packed up everything I had in my dufflebag and my small case. I went and sat on the couch and cried and cried. Mandy came in. She wss on of the 7 girls that lived in this tiny place. She looked very concerned. she asked me what was wrong.
Mandy: " what is going on? You leaving Mel?"

I nodded my head.

Mandy gor a worried look on her face and said : " what the hell went on? Where will you go?

I looked at her with tear streaked eyes and said.: " some asshole shot for girls and I have no idea where the hell I am going as yet, I have to get out of here."

Mandy: " what!!!! Who got shot? When? Were you there? "

I replied: " Yes, four girls were shot and I thought I was shot as well, I went down to protect myself."
I continued. " cops were everywhere, ambulance and fire, I am so f'in pissed off right now I am so scared, I am going to have f'in nightmares after this, there was so much blood." I think she saw me shaking so badly she came over to comfort me. I initially covered up to protect myself because of her quick movement towards me. I cried. She must have comforted me for a while, because I woke up several hours later, still shaking. I had decided to leave, set out for whereever I ended up as usual. I went to the corner store and used the payphone and saw the yellow tape still arround the scene. The street was still blocked off and there were people with camers and little things with numbers on them. I was shaking as I made my way to call Jenn. I was lucky in one respect she was out. I left a voice mail on her machine.

I told her I was ok, and that I would contact her when I had the next oppertunity. I just never mentioned to her that I would be going back to see her. The thoughts ranged from school to my continued to life a prstitute, too run and keep running. The stairs to the room seemed long and endless. When I reached it I opened the door and grabbed my belongings and I left. No note, no goodbye's. I left. My future was definitely in my hands now. As unknown as it was going to be, it was MY LIFE.

******

When I stepped off the bus in my home city, I was dirty and needed abth so bad. I garnered a single seat near the back of the Greyhound bus so I was alone and able to sleep. The terminal was busy as I entered it and went straight to the phones and called Jenn. This time I caught her.

Jenn: " Hello"

Me: " Hi Jenn, I am here."

Jenn: " Where are you?"

Me: " At the bus station. Can you meet me?"

Jenn: " I can be there soon."

Me: " good, I will see you soon." I hung up and went to find a seat away from everyone. I loked like hell and I think it was noticed by those arround me. I was wearing a torn skirt and top. My makeup was somewhat ok, not perfect. It was adequate. One hour and twenty minutes later Jenn arrived and immidiately saw me. She ran to me and hugged me. There was definite concern on her face. We left and went back to her place where she told me to clean up and we shall talk. Thai is exactly what went on. I took a logn shower and dressed in tight jeans and pink cutoff top. I felt better, to a degree. I was not looking forward to talking with Jenn about this. I did.

Jenn: " What happened to you? I go scared when you called me? I could not reach you?"

Me: " There was a shooting, I was slightly injured in that" Nothing serious I was not shot.

Jenn: " Thank god for that."

Me: " No kidding" I replied.

I explained te whole event up to my going to the ground and protecting myself. She was perplexedand releived I think. When I look back at our conversation, it seems to real still. I ate and went to bed. jenn left for work.

*****

A few weeks had passed and my nightmares never left me. I was the opne that was shot, not those that were. I was still scared and I knew damn well I was going to have to deal with this soon. There was just so many things I needed to deal with. First on my priority level was to get my financial situation out and then shop. That is exactly what I did. You see when I started. i banked everything I made, kinda a "rainy day fund". Well I was not disappointed , I made close to 29,000.00$ for the 22 months on the road and that included interest. I felt I did good by banking this money. You see that when you are a TGIRL, you are treated extra special while on the streets. I did make good and I felt special.

Those memories and those nightmares continued for the remainder of the summer. To this day they still exist. I decided that I was going to enroll in school if I could for the fall. This was going to be a new challenge and a new future for me. Was it? I had mentone dit to Jenn that nigth as to what my decission was and she readilly agreed to help me. Was this going to be "exiting"...NOT. Going to school,Not in the least. You see there was no way I could attend with what I learned on the streets. Steets smarts was one thing, education in a confioned space..not so good. The decission was made and I would follow through.

We started looking at schools at the end of July, and we settled on Two that were posibles. Both were technical schools and had very good curriculums as well as standings within the community. We filled out the required forms and waited for the acceptance letters. One of them I was going to attend, That was yet to be determined. The acceptance letter arrived while I was out shopping and Jenn intercepted it and told me about it when i arrived home. I was in and a new chapter began.

**** After my drama with the shooting and those persistant nightmares. It was suggested by Jenn to seek some help, I reluctantly declined as I was still upset over this whole incident. The nightmares continued well into the weeks leading up to the first day of school and long afterwards. I went and saw a Physchologist who dealt with this type of ailment. Sheila called it Post Dramatic Stress. I told her about my upbringing. The hell I had spent at home, the life I lead on the streets. She seemed impressed with my cander as well as my dress. even though it was stil short skirts and tops, with heels). You see , I never was able to beat wearing them. they were comfortable and I thought fashionable. even when it was -40 and very cold O waore them, I guess you get used to them after awhile. I loved showing off my long legs, my body looked good. I was proud of it. After many visits to Sheila and we sorted out several issues. I was also diagnosed with being a transexual. That was a term I never new about. That was a issue I was very unaware of being. I considered myself a female. some thought I wasm a freak, some thought I was normal, some thought I was pretty, I know what my clients thought os me and that was the "third gender" and they got the best of both worlds. I loved myself for the first time. I guess being pushed into a situation as I was, it would make anyone grow up quick. I became a adult at 15, I learned street smarts, I knew the strength I gained by being there. I also never forgot the pain and the abuse. I guess that what will and was that drove me. yes, there was a tragedy. Yes, there was a loss. Yes, there was hope, yes there was no spirit. I guess you could say that well all these things compiled to make things worse for me. There was a glimmer of a futurefor me. As e4ventful as my life was and seems it is all true. It is a testmount to I guess the strength that was endurred durring my first 18 years of my life. a spirit that was lost...Will it be found.....

To be continued

please your comments are welcome.points to improve on are also welcome.

Thank you for those who have commented. I appreciate it very much.
Mellissa N. (prairie_girl_64)

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 13 SUMMER AND SCHOOL....HOPE PERHAPS?

The Summer started off for me quiet. I knew what needed to be done for any posibility of a future.

Future..my definition is at that time unknown and unobtainable. I now realize years later. it was very much obtainable.
My reunion with Jenn was pleasant and at the same time strained. She never pressed me nor questioned me on my motives for leaving. She quietly observed my every action. I personally was emotionally and physically drained. My journey done..or at least part of it was. Where do I go from here? That question I asked myself a few weeks after I stepped off the bus. Personally I had a few options opened to me. One; continue my road of self distruction. two; try and make a life for myslef. Three; school. each of these options possessed a number of additional questions and no answers. I decided to break my silence to Jenn one night after she came home from work.

Me: " Jenn, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place as to where I want to take my future, my existance."

Jenn responded with. " well what do you want to do? And how do you see yourself now?"

Me: "I am not really sure, I could continue at present, or maybe attempt something new."

Jenn: " What is the definition of new for you? Do you want to go to school? Look for work? You cannot work in short skirts like you wear. If you want I can help you, for what I know it will be hard for you."

Me: " I know, I have no idea, no training, I have street smarts, life in general I have to relearn. I am a Adult."

At 17 I was more mature than most adults were and definitely more adept at life and it's struggles. I grew yp when I left at 15, I never fully recovered from that when i returned after the mess I encountered west. I was lost, I felt hopeless. I was HOPELESS. I felt ashamed for what I did. I learned years later that abuse begets more abuse. I only wish I knew what I know now almost 30 years after the fact. I guess it is true what they say, Hindsight is 20/20.

****

Days passed , nights endurred. Most sleepless. The nightmare of that brutal attack west haunted my nightmares and my thoughts. It was later told to me I had PTSD. Wow, way to much information to digest and attempt to understand. The difference was I was the one being shot at close range, execution stlye. I would always wake up in a sweat, or crying or both. I think I must have scared the hell out of Jenn at times with my nightmares. She always looked frightened when she saw me the mornings after my nightmares. Jenn never said anything directly to me. There was nothing to be said. I knew I needed assistance from someone, I had no clue who I needed to talk to. These nightmares haunt me still.

****
Nearly 2 months after arriving, I began to see some light for me. I went to get a doctor and had a complete physical. I was Disease free. That was a relief. I was elated. I picked up the local newspaper and started browsing. I had no relevant expierience to work a so called normal job. I saw a advert for open house at the local high schols.
I went and called the number to the one school closest to where Jenn and I lived. I recieved more information and the times to pop by and look and talk with the teacher representatives for the local school division and the principal. Did I see a small glimmer...yes .

Later that evening I asked Jenn if she would be able to accompany me to this high school on the given date which was august 12th at 7 pm. She readily agreed to split shifts with someone at her work. I thanked her. As the following weks progressed I needed to obtain new clothes , so off to the shops to select clothes. Well Trust me when I say I had no idea what runners or sneakers were. I was ignorant to that fact. High school culture was going to be very different for me to say the least.

I chose a few new pairs of jeans and tops and decided to pass on the sneakers/runners. I was so used to heels. To be honest it would take many years for me to get accustomed to sneakers/runners. The night of the open house. I dressed down from my regular skirts and tank tops and somewhat heavu make up. I placed my hair in a tight braid. My hair was down to my rear end at that time. My nails were immaculate as was my makeup. We only had 5 blocks to the school. and let me tell you when I first laid my eyes on this building it was huge and the butterflies were tieing knots in my stomache. The School was built in the early 20th century and had been upgraded to a modern style. The total number of students taught was close to 600. I was so nervous and it showed.

Upon entereing this school, the first thing i noticed was the ornate chandeliers and lighting. Also the paintings, the columns of grnite and marble. I was impressed. There were arrows directing us to this massive hall with seats. (country girl everything was huge). Anyhow, the dias on the stage where all the important people sat and would eventually speak. I wll not bore you with al the proceedings. I will say this I was enthusiastic at this new revelation. Maybe I did have a future. Maybe hope too. Time would definitely tell over the next 4 years. I only had a grade eight education when I left home. That seemed to me as a lifetime ago.I suppose it was. There were tables set up in the gym for class registration. Jenn went with me. OH my, what a list of classes to sign up for. There was Maths, Sciences, History, Gym of course, Home Ec, Computers, Shop (Woodworking, Automotive, Electronics etc). I talked to several teachers that night. and I signed up for grade nine courses. They included Math, Trigonometry, Biology, Physics, Chemistry and History. Oh boy, was I in trouble here. Whew, I thought I was going to die after that class list was given me. Before I attended classes I needed to take a bunch of apptitude tests to determine where my learning strengths and weaknesses were going to sit. Well 1 week later I crammed into a small classroom and took the required tests. I found out later I was smarted than I thought. I was in and in some way I was releived.

There was hope, some. Maybe not so much of a future. I had to survive this. I had these reacurring thoughts that this was a very bad choice for me. My thoughts drifted back to my life on the streets. I was not quite so confident I would survive this unknown environment. new questions arose for me. Would I be okay in this situation? Could I make Friends? How difficult would this be for me? I knew the answers to all these years later of course. I did manage to survive, make freinds,and yes I did find it extremely challenging and difficult. I took this adventure as a new stage in my life with vigor. maybe not enthusiasm or being happy. I did take it with the preferencial grain of salt. School started for me 1 week before labour day here in Canada, the first monday n September. That first week would proove to be very, very interesting and challenging to say the least. I was so lost and confused... I needed a road map to get to all my classes and especially a classroom that would be my "homeroom". very different. far different from K til 8 in a rural setting. I guess my adventure would begin... Who knew how it would turn out for me.... I certainly did not have the slightest clue. Oh well.......

TO BE CONTINUED

Please feel free to leave a comment. I appreciate all comments to improve, thanks

Copywrite 2008 prairie_girl_64)

Tragedy of the Spirit part 16 School Continues and B/F maybe?....

Copywrite 2008 Praitie_girl_64

Note : There is a scene in here which is a attempted rape and some violence towards me durring a moment at the end of school. Please do not read if this will disturb you. Thanks

School continued past freshy week as the students dubbed the occassion and luckily for me I never was tagged. The dance went on without a hitch. A sore spot for me was durring the following week.

That week was particularily dull and boreing for me as I spent my previous weekend studing and keeping ahead in all my classes. On the Thursday after classes, My world changed yet again. I was walking home, when I was slammed to the ground by Mitch, he was on the basketball team and the football team. He constantly was giving me the eye. I thought to myself while he was doing this it was harmless flirting, well I was proven so so wrong. I was wearing a very nice jean mini with flowers embroidered on the sides and back pockets as well as a nice soft white short sleeve blouse with ruffles.about the collar. I looked spectacular. Anyhow, Mitch slammed me to the ground and tore off my top leaving my exposed bra and chest open for all those to see and had to cover my mouth from screaming and well he began to hit me with his free hand and rip my skirt off. He weighed 200 pounds easy and I wel, 135 if that. He was the typical jock, short cropped hairstyle, dumb as a box of hammers, that was a insult to the hammers mind you. He kept his full weight on me and continued to pound on my ribs and face. He was swearing at me and calling me a slut and a whore. I knew that all I could hope for was he would end this quick. I do not know much after that, I guess I passed out or something as I was awaoken in the ER at the hospital covered in a blanket and I knew I was beaten and bruised. I started crying. Of course they couldn't get ahold of anyone as I had no one to call. I was left in the ER for what seemed like hours before someone came to look at my injuries. I resorted to be quiet and al teared out.

After I spent the night in The ER I was left to go home. They had to find me clothes to wear as I was in no shape to wear the clothes I had on the day before. I later found out that some senior citezen was turning the corner and saw what was going on and he shooed the Idiot Mitch away and he brought me to the ER. I later found out what his name was and it was Gary. he was in his late 70's. A widower. Kept to himself. He later explained to me that he did not appreciate the clothes I wore, he did kinda understand the circumstances. I had to explain to him that I was not a street person. That this was how I chose to dress as it was comfortable. He agreed with a nod of his head. I had all the information from the admitting desk as to whom had vrought me in. I wrote Gary a long lettter and thanked him. Back at school the following Monday , the rumors were floating about that I had left school to be a exotic dancer and that what happened to me was a figment. Yeah right...bruised face and arms and I could hadly see out of my one eye...Some figment.

Christmas approached and well mid semester exams over, all of which I passed with ease. (no weekend party's for me. Study sessions and homework. Jenn and I spent some time socializing. She ended up getting more shifts and eventually was working more hours than what full time was. They were over 50 per week. She had a few days off mind you and that was when we would talk and shop. It was on one of those social outings of "shop til you drop" that I met Jason. He was the same height as I was ,5'11. He had a stockey build and very nice brown eyes. His hair was short and well styled with a part on the right side. He was good looking to say the least...WOW. Even Jenn by this time was oggling at him. He spent a majority of his time with us that day. Then asked for my number I explained to him that it was Jenn's number and that if he gave me his I would call him. Well He accepted that and gave me his number. I called him two nights later and asked him if we could go for tea. he readily accepted. We made plans for the K Family restraunt. That restraunt is 9 blocks away from where Jenn and I resided. The date was for 7. And I asked Jenn if she would come along and sit away from us and keep a eye out for anything. I guess I was so paranoid of more abuse and even a attack. I needed some added security. Jenn said not a problem.

THE DATE:

I arrived very early, like 30 minutes. I spotted Jason quickly and waved him over. The window booth was easiest. it weas close to the entrance if I needed to leave quickly enuff if my instincts kicked in and I was being threatened. We greeted each other. I said "HI" he Replied "Hey". The conversation was pretty boreing, to say the least. He asked me how old I was upon I told him and then I asked him his age. His reply was "18", he explained to me that he just graduated that past june and was looking foreward to the University. He then asked me about my background. Complete honesty here and disclosure.

Me: " Jason, I was a abused child from a loveless family, they abused me and when it got too much I left at 15 and I have had to survive on the streets until I saw four of my 'coworkers" shot and killed. I came back here to decide what I wanted to do and I decided to go to school and change my life to the better." I continued, " Jason, I was a prsotitute and I needed to protect myself from further abuse from my parents, that is why I ran away. please listen and I will explain further if you are willing to listen?" He had a shocked look and very wide eyed look. He Said " Mellissa, what ever you tell me i will listen, I do not nor wil I interupt you till you have explained what you need too." I Said "Thank you".

I went on to explain to him the conditions I lived in while on the streets, the abuse I saw and endurred. The strength I somehow gained from all that abuse. he only nodded. I continued to explain to him my relationship with Jenn and how she became my supporter and my SISTER. I glanced over and saw Jenn walk in with 5 girls and winked at me. Jasone never looked nor saw them arrive.

He went on to ask me what my palns were for the holidays and I just explained to him it was going to quiet, and I was going to study. He had a quizical look on his face. I said, " jason, there is a reason why I need to stufy, you see I made a promise that I would finish school and see where I wanted to go from there." I continued, " I need to complete this as quickly as I can as I feel that if I do not I will continue to feel like I failed."

Jason: " why would you feel that?"

Me: " I would, because it was beaten into me that I would not ammount to anything, I was useless, no good, a complete failure as a SON"

Jason: " A SON, YOU CANNOT BE A BOY?" He had raised his voice at that comment.

Me: " Trust me jason under my jeans and tank top and jean jacket, I am a boy, I amy not look like one with what I am wearing, but I am under it all."

Jason: " How? Why? Is that even posible?"

Me: " Yes, Jason it is posible, hormeones, and a lot of work, hardly eating and kept in shape with walking the streets for 18 hours or more a day."

Jason: " I can bet, but you look so normal."

Laughing I said " NORMAL, yeah right, your definition of that would be what? Growing up with the perfect family, loving mom and dad, sister or brother perhaps? Getting a good education versus being beaten up every day and raped every night. I call what you had NORMAL compared to me life."

Jason: " I just do not get it, I do not understand, I guess you have had to do what you needed to do."

Me: " YUP, It was either run or stay and die, and if I stayed I knew it would not be too much longer that either my "FATHER" OR "BROTHER" WOULD Kill ME, or I would take my own life. and Jason I came close on more than ONE occassion." I continued " I may not have had the ideal nor perfect life as you see it, however I have street smarts and that will do me just fine, now I want to get some form of education because I do not want to have a grade 8 education and be a failure. I want to shove this so far up my parents asses and those assholes that said I was fucking crazy, so yes JASON I WILL FINISH SCHOOL." I went on " Jason, if you like what you see then fine, if you do not that is fine too, I acccept that, I have always accepted the shity things in life, however if you want to be my freind that is okay as well adn I accept that, if not that is quite fine as well, because I have set myself up in a nice little routine adn well, i want to keep it that way."

He was stunned and stated " Mellissa, I wuld like to be your freind, however I am just not sure of your attutude."

I was so stunned and seeting at this point, shit! I was thinking what a fucking prick.

Me: " ATTITUDE, Fuck JASON you have no idea what kinda of attitude I have yet, I am a nice person, sure I have faults, sure I have been on the otherside of what is called "normal" as you so kindly placed it, That I have a lot of fucking regrets for what I did, I cannot take them away, nor will I. If you want to be my freind fine, if not that is fucking okay with me as well. I will not change myself for you or anyone for that fucking matter, what you see is what you fucking get, handle it, if you want too." I jsut got up and left. I stormed out of the restraunt, thinking,l'fuck, what a asshole, and I tought he was cute and nice enuff to get to know..oh well'. I walked home very quickly.

Several hours later jenn arrived home and was not ammused with what went on at the restraunt, however she could understand it. She told me that she had talked to Jason after I stromed out and left him stunned and in shock.

Jenn: " You left in a hurry, I had to try and contain Jason to talk with him a bit."

Me: " Yah, So he is a asshole, he couldn't accept what I told him, Jenn, You know I have to honest and upfront with people I meet, jsut too fucking bad that they have to hide there pompous attitudes and bullshit there way to try and understand." I continued " Jenn you know me, you know the shit I went through, should I have to continue with this on a ongoing fucking basis, can I not be entitled to some freinds and some support, some allies out side of you? Is that way to much to ask?"

Jenn: " No, it is not oo much to ask. What you ahve to try and understand that JASON WAS TRYING TOO UNDERSTAND AND LISTEN AND YOU LITTERLATY FUCKING EXPLODED ON HIM,LIKE THE BITCH YOU ARE AND CAN BE IF THINGS DO NOT SEEM TO BE RIGHT."

I was shocked and stunned here as my best freind in the whole world, the one I loved as a sister went off on me like a bomb.

Me: " Sorry Jenn, But I cannot take the shit from assholes that pretend to be not real, and in my opinion and assumption he was not being real when we talked nor when I was explaining my life as honestly as I needed to, full disclosure. You and I talked about that when I came off the streets. I know in my heart I was right and I had every right to defend a assault of ignorance, which I felt he had towards me and my choice of lifestlye then and probaly holds it against me after our conversation tonight...RIGHT?"

Jenn: " None in the least you little bitch, he was generally concerned for you and wanted to understand what you had to say and YOU never gave him the chance to get a word in edgewise, YOU dropped alot on him and never gave him a oppertunity to speak nor respond, YOU bitched him out like he was your DAMNED "FATHER", HE is not, he showed some concern after you left and truth be told her MISSY, HE FUCKING DOES WANT to SEE YOU AGAIN AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND MORE." She went on, " YOU HAVE TO GET OVER YOURSELF AND YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN SOMEONE WANTS TO TRY AND BE YOUR FREIND."

Me: " How" I broke down and cried at this point and I so remember that conversation we had after that fist meeting with Jason. I was a bitch, maybe if that oppertunity was to happen again and I was a bit less hostile, maybe things would have turned out a bit better from the date.

Jenn: " All you can do is see what happens and drop the attitude and let him try and ask questions and you provide that understanding." She went on " Mellissa, You have been through hell and back, I have seen the changes in you, from the meek, abused, scared, frightened littel girl.I accepted you as is to what I see now.I may not fully understand it all and probably never will, but, I will always be there for you. I can ask you to take it easy on him, but I can only ask. What you do is your doing and business. I would love to see you have something that would mean alot more to you than just abuse. Something meaningful, to have someone give you a chance and let you break your attitude of being the bitch." She went on " FUCK Mellissa, you cannot go on hating every male in the world for what your "FATHER" AND "BROTHER" did to you, it was there fault, not JASON'S, He never caused you that pain, THEY DID, NOT HIM. He wants to try and give you a chance at some happiness and you threw it in his face. If I was a guy I would walk away and never want to speak to you. I love you Mel, you are loving and kind and yet you are so hard edged and hate everything arround you that you wil not give anyone the chance to see the REAL YOU."

I was so shocked at this burst from Jenn that all I could do was Nod and sputter out a "Thank you and I needed my ass kicked." I went to bed and cried, I knew I needed to contemplate and to see what I had to change if any.

Several weeks had passed . In Februrary, Jason caled jenns, I guess she must have given him her number. She called me when the phone rang and she had answered it. I was very much apprehensive about talking to him. I picked up the reciever off the table and said "Hello" he replied by saying "Hey, can we maybe start over and ge out to a coffee shop and talk."

I replied "sure, when?"

His reply was " in a hour and he would pick me up at Jenn's." I swear the color drained from my face when he said that and jenn spotted the color change immediately. All she did do was give me the thumbs up and whisper ' Go on , it will be ok, you have to start trusting'. All the while I am thinking ' yeah rifght, when hell freezes over'.

I told him I would be ready, and I also told him i was very nervous doing this as I never went out on a coffee date nor get into a vehicle with a guy unless it was my "tricks". There was silence and a laugh, and said he would see me soon and the line went dead. All I could think of was , 'What the fuck just happened, here and why was I doing this and I even accepeted this ride and offer of coffee'. I was certainly done fore at least in my mind. I noticed Jenn give a smile and sasid "GO, it will nort kill you."

I went and was nervous the whole time and was very much on edge. I will not bore you with all the details, I will say that we reached a kinda compromise, he would listen to me and what I had to say and I promised that I would not be such a bitch and explain things more clearly to him. The end result was I eventually was able to open up a bit more and not blame him for what had happened to me in my past. I still tend to dwell on that, however that is part of who I am at this point. My Phsychie and my slate were severely scared and written on growing up where trust and honesty from a male was non existant. I saw them as a threat, not as freinds. I saw them as a predator and I was there prey. I still hold alot of annimosity towards men, in time I might get it right where I do not blame them for my past but to accept them as freinds and not enemies. Life went on in high school with many more up's and down's........

TO BE CONTINUED

please feel free to comment and leave points to improve on. Thanks for reading. I appreciate your comments.

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 17 Jason

Jason and I spent a considerable ammount of time talking and ne thing I did was give him the background on my beginings and my journey.

Our weekends were spent mostly on the phone with several dates as he placed it and we did get close. I did, however, feel out of touch and out opf place and I truely believe he knew what I was feeling and tried in so many ways to understand.

One conversation we had was very intense. We went to a restraunt called SMITTY"S. This restraunt was very nice and we occupied a quiet booth near the back. He ordered coffee and I ordered tea. I guess I grew accustomed to tea after growng up on the farm and never really acquired the taste for the black brew.

Jason: " I need to know where you and I stand on several issues here Mellissa. I feel a strong admiration for you and yet I feel I cannot get any closer to you as you have this wall about you. It is like you are always on guard. I am not really sure why?"

Me: " I really do not understand Jason, I have tried my very best to be more myself when we are out and I am open to what you have to say to me and I do try my best to communicate. I suppose I knew that trying to date out side of the "realm" of street life was going to create alot of problems for me and for us. I know I have a wall, I just do not know how I can be anymore open withoput that wall." I continued " I do understand what you are ssaying I think, I wish I knew why and what I am trying to protect me from."

Jason: " I know exactly what is happenning for and too me here Mellissa, It is I am starting to get feelings for you and I am not really sure where or what your thoughts and feelings are towards me . I know you have alot to try and deal with. Your transition, your running, your trying to protect yourself. I WANT to KNOW where I fit in and how I can assist if any to make this easier."

I was shocked at his words and his general stance on this.

Me: " Jason, I have so much to protect me from, that I know and when I was on my own and living the street life, MY priority was MYSELF. I had no one. I could not rely on anyone. I had to rely on only one person here and that was ME. I am SO trying to be the person you want in your life and maybe it is what i want as well, however I know I need to get right. I am not sure how I can do that without hurting people like Jenn, you and the acquaintances I have made. I want to keep my guard up and my wall. I am not sure how I can deal with this."

Jason: " I know I am asking a huge lot of you here Mellissa, I jsut feel that if it is not correctable, then maybe we should part and see where it goes." He continued " Mellissa, I am not sure anymore what you want. What you feel you would like in your life. It is almost like I am dealing with a parent here."

I was again stunned.

Me: " I know that maybe so , but you have to understand that my life was not easy nor will that life be easy for me in the future. I cannot be sure what I need here. I am trying maybe to do too much. I wish the hell I knew. My life was and looks like it is still fucked up beyond what is normal for a human to deal with. You know Jason, yes I have grown up. I was placed in a extremely difficult situation and I made due with what I had to deal with daily. I have told you before, that my life was not easy. I get that fact that you are so trying to deal with my insecurities, my failures as you may see it as. I know I never had failed. I have in some ways yes succedded, in others I have not met expectations to what you wish for a girlfreind. I guess in essence I have failed there as well. I am not going to hold you to me, if you want you can walk, however I do care and wish to try and make it work. If you want you can leave, I am hopeful that we can remain freinds if that happens. If not then I move foreward as best I can. I knwo you are off to university soon. I get it, I also get that you think I am way to "wise" for you. ( street smarts survival and strength). I also get that fact that you could have any girl yopu want and desire. I have been rejected enuff already."

Jason: " I know all that Mellissa, I jsut want to try and be with you, I cannot tho, it feels like you are withholding and keeping a safe distance."

Me: " Do you wanna know why I keep a distance? or Do you already know? "

Jason: " I know why I guess, I also guess that your protection from abuse and being hurt prevents you from getting close."

I smiled and nodded at that comment. I also reminded him that I feared him. He was a bit bigger than me and well it kinda reminded me of my "father". Jason had alot of confidence in himself, his intellect was amazing and that was what atracted me to him. I feel he was also attracted to me in the same fashion.

I replied to his observation by saying " yes, I am affraid, yes I have to protect me from the world. I know I have to change it, but I am not sure how and when I can do that. It is not like I can turn a switch and jsut say that it is going to be ok and that everything that went on with me will be erased. I cannot and will not do that jason. Not for yu or anyone. I cannot afford it for myself right now. I have paid a cost already for fuck sake." I bele4ive I shocked him there with that as his eyes grew wide and saw a flicker of angst there. We ended our night and he took me back home and I beiefly explained the night to Jenn. She nodded her head and went to bed. I relaxed in my room and shed some tears.

My relationship with Jason lasted 5 months and 4 days and we had many long continuous chats like the one that night. I guess he never was able to come to terms with my past. I on the other hand tried my level best to slowly drop the wall arround me. I was not successful tho. I guess looking back at this whole Jason experience, it gave me a oppertunity to try dating outside of what I was so used to a guick wham bam nigth over and over. Yes jason and I had some sex, however like al the nights and tricks on the streets he used protection. I was not going to end up getting a STD. I had vowed to stay STD free and it has workd for me .Jason and I would not remain freinds, he eventually moved off to the coast and I lost contact with him til 1992, then my world changed again.

TO BE CONTINUED

Copywrite 2008 prairie_girl_64)

Comments and point to improve upon are welcome.

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 18 Birthday, Friends and School for the Summer.

I guess you can sasy up til now my life was pretty dull. I had school. I had a Boyfriend. I had my limited social interaction. As the christmas holidays passed and new years came and went. I looked forward to exams in late January. Yes you are probably wondering why I would be looking forward to them. Well, it is like this, I set myself a promise. I wanted to accomplish for myself a set of priorities and standards. I needs to pass all these classes. I was in no means failing those courses I was attending. I had a B average. Not bad for a girl off the farm and rightly so off the streets.

My days and weeks passed til the exam dates and well just for the reocod here that I passed all my exams with high 80's and two 95's. I studied my butt off here all the while maintaining a relationship with jason. Jenn of course worked her butt off and found a relationship as well. Me on the otherhand, well life became routine. School almost became my second home . I spent alot of time there. I went and spent alot of time in the library. That is where I met Nancy and Jess. Nancy was short, about 5 foot nothing, Jess on the other hand was 6 feet 2 and played basketball. Nancy on the other hand was a geek, she was so technical. She love music, and computers. Me, I thought yeah whatever, i would never get into any extracurriculat activities. Besides my life was full enuff. I generally considered both girls my freinds by the time my birthday arrived in early May. I not only enjoyed talking with Nanc and jess, we often went for after school coffee and tea. Neither girl was in any of my classes. I guess it never really donned on me that I would have only just a few people. I was not very popular at al. Sure the guys gawked at me al the time, the girls were extremely jelous of my long legs and hair. I got over that attention quickly.

My birthday appraoched and I just didn't worry about it. I figured why, it was insignificant when I was at home and just another day of the week when I was working the corners. I knew jenn had something planned. I just was not quite sure what was going on. I concentrated on my semester of classes. I was swamped with homework every night as I piled on extra classes that semester. I was taking the rest of my grade 9 courses as well as 4 of my grade 10 classes. Needless to say I was over worked. Jason and I well had moved on a while a ago and well I guess I was independent as I could ever be. I arrived home from the library that may 2nd with my book bag weighted down with books and my purse. I was exausted. I told Jen I was going to lay down for a hour as I was in some pain. My chest hurt and I was a bit nausious. She jsut nodded . About 90 minutes later she knocked on my door and asked me if I could come out and talk to her for a few moments. I said that I would be right out. When I erenterd the kitchen area where Jenn was, there were others ther sitting at the table and they jumped up and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MELLISSA". I cringed at the noise and started to cry as I sank to the floor. They rushed over to comfort me and after I got myself cleaned up we actually enjoyed a somewhat nice time. I celebrated my 19th birthday. I recieved a few short skirts and tops and heels ( my trademark apparel). We had some tea and cake (chocolate). The night was good. we did alot of talking. Jenn was there as was her freind Ashley from her work, Jenn's Boyfreind Stan and Ashley's Boyfreind Keith. Just a quiet night chatting and celebrating. To Me the night meant alot. On the one hand, i was celebrating it with Jenn, whom meant the world to me. Secondly it was a milestone, as I was no longer trapped in adolesence. I was legal to drink and get my drivers license if I so chose to do (legal age was 16 for drivers licenses). I knew I was over due with the drivers thing. I really just did not concern myself with that. I guess it was well after 3 when everyone left and I had said my goodbyes. I definitely thanks Jenn for her surprise on me. We hugged, and off to bed we went.

May passed into June and I passed all my classes and without a drum beat missing I entered my summer with school work. Not summer school, actual class work that I had gained permission from the school to take home and get ahead. I finished the school year with a B+ average. I was needless to say impressed. Jenn continued to work her job and was promoted to assistant manager. I was extremely proud of her and she decided to take some university classes at night stating in September. The summer dragged on and I accomplished enuff of my courses to give myself some weekends to pamper myself. It was on of those weekends that I would for ever remember and take me back to those night and days of abuse.........

TO BE CONTINUED

Copywrite 2008 prairie_girl_64

Comments and points to improve on welcome, thanks.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 20 MOTHER
Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64

This is a account from my mothers Journals I located while returning to the house that became my hell. I caution those readers that this may be somewhat disturbing. I had to write it based on what my MOTHER wrote. I did not now what she wrote prior to me finding these papers. This is over the course of many years here and had to condense it to a format that I could try and live with. It took alot for me to post this. The pain has racked me after reading these journals from my Mother.

May 1964 to may 1979

I began to feel a closeness to my new son, Glenn. he was so adorable, red lock of hair and blue eyes. He was just so cute. I was not blessed to give birth for the number of times my husband Murray and I tried to get pregnant. Adoption seemed the best oppertunity to start our quaint little family. We were deeply blessed when we were granted adoption of Glenn Dale. A cute name.

I totally devoted my time and energy in looking after him. I loved my baby. I began to feel ill very quickly. I went to the Doctor and I was deemed pregnant. I was going to have another child. I was ecstatic and thrilled. I told my husband of the news and he smiled. Our little family would increase by one. I had hoped for a girl this time as my husband had his son. I wanted a girl to watch grow up and get married.

I was elated that we had now a second son. Sure it dashed my hopes of a girl. he was healthy and beautiful. We named him Daniel. I preceeded to dote upon him and give him all the attention needed. My husband began to sense a strain with the family, mkore so with Glenn. He became dispondant and very shy. I never paid any attention to this at all. My world crashed when Murray cught Glenn in my clothes and that changed the fabric of our family. I became a scared girl. He took all his rage on Glenn and it would spill over to me after his rages. Their were threats made to me as well as some beatings. None as severe as those inflicted on Glenn. I was helpless. I was forced into feeding Glenn small ammounts of hormones. My birth control pills. I was helpless. I was lost. I was forced into protecting daniel over my Glenn.

The abuse continued on Glenn and I took alot of verbal and some physical. Murray had gone off the wall and I never bothered to stand up for my child. I had to protect the one I could to the best of my abilities. I spent many a nights crying silently as I heard the abuse of Glenn and was held captive by my own fate if I stepped in. I wish I could do more to protect him. Murray beat and then the rapes started on Glenn nightly and his body began to make subtle changes and I culd see breasts developing. I continued to give him my pills and never stopped doing it for fear of retaliation from my husband. I was scared.

If you ever so much as mentioned family secrets in and arround our town and community it would be over. I could not even mention it to my freinds I had in the PTA. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Murray invited Daniel to participate in the abuse of Glenn nightly and then the rapes. I cried silently when I heard the screams and sobbing from Glenn. I was so affraid for him and for myself. I began to realize that I had ignored the cries and felt really bad. Murray grew extremely agry when ever I brought up the subject and he remided me that " in so uncertain terms that Glenn was not ours and had to be punished and punished he will be."

May 2 1979

This went on for years and then it came to a abrupt end. The night of Glenns birthday. His small cake and small gifts that were given to him. were absolutely appaling, however I became a participant in this humiliation and demoralizing act upon him. I actually felt so sorry for him. I never told him I loved him and so wanted to hold him. I couldn't. I basically abandonned my son. Sure he was adopted, never the less he was mine and my husbands. I now realize now that he has left here and hope he does alright. I cannot be sure tho as I was told soon after Murray found him gone. I was somewhat releived and yet my heart sank. I then decided to place all my energies into raising Daniel. He became my life and would be til he grew up and left home. All I could do was hope that Glenn chose a path of freedom, survival. As I loomback now in refelction on the last 15 years. I have gone from elation to hurt to embarrassment to shame and even failure. I failed to protect Glenn. I was absolutely powerless to protect him.

July 20 1990

I still have terrible thoughts of what went on in my families life. I failed as a mother. I failed as a human being. I realize I may never see my son Glenn again. I can only pray and hope that he is well. Murray and I celebrated our anniversary and we never brought up Glenn. That subject had long since dropped. I aften wondered how he made out while on the run as I have never even recieved word from him on his whereabouts. I even tried to contact Jenn this week as I often did and she never knew where he was and never said that he was ever in contact. I knew that she knew what had gone on. She had too. Glenn was close to her as a sister would be to a sister. I guess in a sense if Glenn survived he would probably be a girl now or at least a reasonable imitation of one. His slim figure and his budding breasts sure made him look like one over the years. I feel sorry for him. I hope he is well. I have to go into the hospital now as I am to undergo some tests for breast cancer. I hope not. I cannot dwell on what happened. I have to deal with now and what may come to my future. Danny has left to roost, he works with the trucking industry. I am proud of him. Murray is here with me and well he is so caring and dotes over me now. I guess we have a pang of empty nest syndrome. We still have the farm and our community. I guess if Glenn or even Danny finds this then they might read it. I hope not. I know it will hurt alot of people and especially Glenn or whatever his name will be, if he survived. I really wonder tho. If he did great. if he didn't then God will have him as I couldn't help him and I just ignored the problem. I was wrong. I know that when I die, God may have some harsh words for me. Right now I do not care. I care about me right now.

***
I condensed alot of this to make it readable. There were some parts of her journal that were to painful for me to write here. I am still shocked after all these years that she was herslef a victim in all this. If I had only known. I still blame her for this mess especially the Hormones. I mainly blame my Father and yes I blame my brother. I have a deep rooted hatred towards them all for what they did to me. I can only portray this in the first person. I had to as I never knew exactly what she was thinking daily and over the course of months and years that this went on. I thank you dear readers for your comments on this and the many emails wishing for backgrounds. I was done so at a emotional strain on me. Thank you.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 21 DEJA VU

copyrite 2008 paririe_girl_64

Life was always and has never been kind to me. If I could turn the clock back in time I guess I would wish I was never born.

Why? You ask, well it is Deja Vu all over again. The summer started off nice and quiet. Jenn went to visit family and I had reign of the apartment. I had picked up a small part time job at the local convienience store for my first "legit" job. I was happy about that. My hours were only 4 hours Monday, Wednesday, Saturday. A total of 12 hours a week. Not bad considering I would work up to 18 n the street. This was a substancial change. Anyhow, my school work progressed as I took on homework to get ahead in my classes for the fall semester.

My world abruptly thought it would end one friday as I was walking from the library. My nemesis ADAM. He rounded the corner from the library and immediately sought me out by following me to the bus. I quickened my pace and he litterally ran and caught up to me and knocked me down. In broad daylight, he immediatly punched me in the face and started to pound on my body. I had no fight as my hands were kinda pinned by his kneesas he was punching me. I went unconcious soon after and woke up in the ER. My worst nightmare all over again with that prick. The ER nurse, Karen came in and told me that I was raped and started asking all sorts of questions about my gender and my health background etc. Some I was willing to answer others I shrugged off. I know she was trying to help , I was just not to comfortable. Karen told me I was badly bruiised on my face and my rbs were broken(2 left side). I wished I ws dead after the beating I jsut took. I asked her if they got ADAM. She told me she was not sure. I srugged. I hurt like hell. I cried. and then I fell asleep.

Several days passed and I was released from the hospital. I went home and via cab and went to bed on the couch. I made sure tho that the hospital called my work so they knew I was hospital bound. Over the next few weeks I really struggled. Jenn came home and she freaked out. I told her about my run in with ADAM. We had a cry session. I debated yet again my purpose. It brought horrid memories of life on the farm dealing with my abusers,my "father" and "brother". I get depressed really quickly. I wanted to end my life and I almost did, it was the middle of july and I remember grabbing a kitchen knofe with a 6 inch blade and going into the bathroom and running the bath water and climbing into the tub. I remember slashing the insides of both my legs high enuff on them. Near my groin area. I passed out.

I woke in the phsiche ward back at the hospital where only a few weeks previous I was released. I was strapped to the bed with them heavy restraints. I cried. I screamed to high hell over being tied down like a crazed animal. I woke up a day later. I cried. When was this shit ever going to be right for me. I hate my life, I hate FUCKING MEN , I hate everything period. I found out is was Jenn whom had found me in the tub and screamed and called 911. I owe her so much. I wanted to die. I so wanted to end it all and see what came next if anything. Life sucked and I hated everything in it. I even blamed Jenn for rescuing me. I was so angry, all those pent up feelings and emotions flooded back. and I was reliving hell on earth again. I had no escape this time. I was confined to a bed and a room. NOT FUN.

week and a half later a woman came in and sat at the side of the bed and introduced herself to me. Her name was Sheila. Sheila was a short woman of 5 foot 4 and heavy set, not too heavy. She wore glasses and had greyish brown hair. She carried a file folder and a clipboard. She looked at my file and then we started to talk.

Sheila: " Hi Mellissa, how are you feeling today?"

Me: " ok, maybe, not sure, I want out of here"

Sheila: " not going to happen, we have to have a along talk and ten I WILL decide what you will do." she emphatically stated.

Me: " why me, Why can I not die and be left alone."

Sheila: " You tell me why you want to die?, Tell me why you hate yourself?" She had one of those looks that could shake apples from a tree as she stared at me. They were not kind eyes.

Me: " I want too, I hate life, I hate MEN, I hate everything, Why shouldn't I die?" I fired back at her.

Sheila: " Tell me why you hate your life. Tell me why you want to die. You are skipping the questions with asking questions." She made notes and then scowled at me. I could immediately tell this was going to be a long day with this bitch here. I turned my head and closed my eyes.

Sheila: " Why don't yu talk with me, I am here to assist you and hope to help you and then see what happens after our little chat here today."

Me: " why should I, you think I am a freak, a idiot, a nobody, why would you fucking care." she shook her head at me and started to say something.

Sheila: " why would you say that, Mellissa. I am here to help you. I am here to listen to you> I want to help you if I can. I do now some of your background from talking to Jenn. You do remember who Jenn is, right?"

I nodded.

Sheila: " well then tell me , I cannot help yu if you do not open up to me and tell me why you want to die?" her demenour changed slightly to a more calm state.

I told her the reasons why I wanted to die.

Me: " Sheila, the reason I want to die is I cannot keep living and feeling that everyone wants to abuse me and to hurt me . I want to die so I do not want to feel pain, to feel used. Fuck I was used like a punching bag at home for 9 fucking years and then a life of hell on the streets and you expect me to want to keep living. I have nothing to give, I am nothing. I am to be used and fucking abused by everyone and hurt in the process."

She kept writing notes. She was calm and got up after several more questions , never did respond to my response to her inquires. All she did was I will see you tomorrow. I went to sleep.

After the following weekend Sheila paid me a second visit, this one longer than the first and I was alot calmer and somewhat rested. I asked for the restraints to be taken off and they were not. I was told that they would not be til I was no longer a threat to myself. Fuck what can I do there , I had nothing to kill myself with. Oh well. We had a much more intense session. I was told by her that I was what they called a transexual. I never knew. I told her I was forced into this situation and never looked back. I told her I had suffered so much abuse at the hands of my "FATHER" and "BROTHER" that I had no choice to life as a girl and to survive on the streets, I told her about the hormones and my mothers lack of attention and care, I told her of the severe rapes and beatings. THe attemps of suicid eat home, the solation I was in. The freedome I enjoyed when iw as riding. That was the only time I was truely able to escape the horror. She asked me about the hormones and where I got them. I told her that my mother gave them to e in my food. I told her once I was on the streets I bought the pills and took them. I was a nice comfortable 34 c at 18 years of age. I mentioned yto her the horrible sights I saw, the ongoing abuse on the streets I suffered. She looked as tho she could faint as I described the horror I saw when I witnessed the murders. After several hours she left. I was left alone to contemplate my fate. Deja Vu becomes true.....

TO BE CONTINUED

I apreciate comments and points to improve on. I appreciate it very much.

Tragedy of the Spirit Part 22 Hope Eternal

Copyright 2008 Prairie_girl_64

The summer progressed. I felt that my time under psyche care was beneficial in many ways. First off; I was able to get a lot of my feelings within reason sorted out. Secondly; My fears about my relationships with men were drawn to the surface by Sheila. I had a lot of issues that I needed to sort out, those just being a few. Others were of course , school, my ongoing transition, friendships, parents, my running away etc. The later I will deal with at a later time (parents, running).Sheila and I spent a considerable amount of time discussing issues that meant a lot to my overall psyche'. One of them centered around my ongoing transition. I clearly stated I cannot go back to that weak little scared boy whom always was the target of abuse. I told her that Mellissa is here to stay and that I have found a comfort and strength within. I mentioned to her that I was stronger for my attitude and I was not going to be pushed about. She complimente4d me on that part of my personality. I also felt she was being critical of that personality as well. However it was, she respected that I chose the path I was on. I was released 3 weeks and 4 days after being admitted. I was relieved. I promised her tat I would continue to speak to her via phone and by appointment when I need to talk about issues.

I eventually caught up with my missed school assignments I failed to do because of my stupid act. A few weeks later I completed them and prepared for my next fall semester of school. I had completed a complete Grade 9 and partial grade 10 courses. I made myself a continuous promise to complete school as soon as I could. Thanks to Jenn, whom continued to provide the necessary shelter to me. I also continued with my obligation to her for my assistance in living expenses. Jenn was dating and working a fair amount. Her home life was non-existent some nights and weekends. Those times I managed to continue to hit the books and study hard.

September past to October slid into November and before we all knew it we were into December. The holiday scene I avoided with a passion. Jenn went home to her family for each and every holiday. She did invite me as many times as she could. I gratefully declined politely. She seemed to accept that from me. For me holiday's were not very pleasant, I was shut out of the traditional meal by being sent to my room. So the "traditional family" dinner was a hurtful experience for me. I always paid the penalty afterwards with the usual beatings and or rapes. To this very day I prefer to spend each holiday season alone.

Hope shined on me right after the new year. I was asked to attend a function with Sheila at her residence for pre-operative transexuals. I was giddy with joy. I was not exactly why I was invited. I accepted readily of course. The function was February 16th at 7:30 Pm. I was asked to dress semi casual. Well for me semi casual meant short skirt and topm with ym navel showing. I had to ask Jenn for advice and to get something less revealing. I picked out a black knee length dress with long sleeves and gold trim about the neck and sleeves. I could get away with wearing my 2 inch heels with the diamonds on the straps. The day arrived and I went and what a night. I was introduced to several members of the medical community from doctors to psychologists to psychiatrists. To me that was the best night I had. I will say that when I arrived home I had a firm commitment from a qualified psychologist that would see me. His name was Doctor Raight ( pronounced Right). He was a elderly englishman of about 55 or so. We met several weeks after the party. We had a extensive chat and well needless to say that there was at least a bit of hope for me. I told him how long I was in transition as he called it. I mentioned to him my background, my current medical status. he seemed pleased. However, there was a drawback to his demeanor. That was that I needed to live for at least 2 more years a full time female and see him at least 6 more times within the 2 year time frame. I agreed. I had already been living full-time as a female and had acquired ID to state the same ( although illegal ID. It surpassed the closest scrutiny.) I was well on my way according to him to sexual reassignment. he mentioned to me that he had several long conversations with both my doctor and with Sheila. I was happy and kept my fingers crossed that no interference would invade that time frame. I was so wrong.

Several months had passed and I had moved through midterm exams all of which i passed maintaining a B average. I let my guard down and met a guy by the name of Dennis,. He was cute by my standards. He had the most gorgeous blue eyes you could imagine and was very tall. He stood over 6 feet 5 and very muscular. With dark brown hair, he was a sight to see. I made a fatal mistake with him and that was I negated to tell him about me and my past when it came up during conversations. The end result was he beat me pretty badly. I spent a few weeks in hospital and I had him charged with assault.

Summer appraoched then fall appraoched and then finally Summer again and I was going to be free from school. It will be three full years full time school. When it was all over I graduated with a B+ average and made the honor roll. I was impressed. Jenn and I celebrated my graduation with pizza and a small part at her place of work. I began to work at a small convenience store soon after I graduated. The hours were at night( actually graveyard) The 12 hour shift was 11 til 11 and I worked with one other lady. her name was Beth. She was short about 5 feet nothing and dark black hair and green eyes. A wonderful woman to work with. I continually thought and hoped that my life would change for the better and it did for the next few years. During that time I was promoted to assistant manager of the store with Beth and enrolled in University. I definitely had the grades for it. I kept up with my appointments with Sheila and Dr. Raight.

I decided to take in university administration courses. I was loaded down with a full slate. I made a promise that i would do the same as I did for when I was in high school , work hard and study. No party time for me. It worked too as I received my Admin degree in the spring of 1988. Then I chose to study Political Science. I graduated in the spring of 1992 with a full Political Science degree. I was proud of my accomplishments. Jenn had moved away by that time and I had my own place. I paid 150$ a month all utilities included. I traveled by bus to and from work. Beth sold the store and I was out of a job, so I started looking. I eventually found a job in a national chain store doing stocking shelves. That was where I met Jason. Yes Jason whom earlier I mentioned. Well my life would be turned upside down n two ways after this year would be out. To my knowledge i never realized how much my life would change..........

TO BE CONTINUED...

Thanks, I know this alot to digest in this chapter, however it needed to be told. Thanks for your comments and points to improve upon. They are appreciated.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 23 BURDEN OF EXISTANCE EPISODE 1

Copyright 2008 Prairie_girl_64

I awoke on friday morning with a severe headache and inclination to jot a poem, not a good one in my recollection. However; it holds some meaning now that I have located it in my journals. I have decided to post it here. Firstly I would like to draw back to fall of 1987. That particular day did not begin well for me. I faced yet a challenge that today it is amazing that I have kept a level head.

September 22nd.

I woke up with my entire body aching and my vison not quite what I thought it would be. Stumbilng to the bathroom and almost falling. I grabbed the wall and tried unsuccesffully to maintain my balance. I fell. I struggled to get upright. jenn was at work, I was alone and a bit scared. I felt extremely week and somewhat disoriented. I eventually managed to make it to the bathrrom and attempt to look at myself in the mirror. As blurry as i appeared in the mirror I knew something was drastically wrong with me. I stumbled towards the phone by holding onto the walls and I fell once again. Nearly missing the table in the kitchen I eached the phone. I dialed 911 and waited til te ambulance arrived. I was assessed and rushed to the ER.

Once at the ER i was given a battery of tests. Those included a CT scan and a MRI. A battery of blood work was done on me and I was admitted to the hospital. The following morning I was still disoriented and was not completely aware of my surroundings. Attempting to rise from my bed , I fell to the floor crashing hard. The nurses came and placed me in the bed and told me that f I needed anything I was to call them. Several hours passed by and the doctors arrived. My GP was first in and was first to speak to me.

DR: " Good Morning Mellissa."

Me: " HI" was all I could muster out of my dry mouth and I could barely see him.

DR: " This Dr's Mc Millan and Hughs." I nodded even tho I could not see them clearly.

He proceeded to explain to me what was up with me.

DR: " Mellissa, We have determined with the results of the MRI and the CT scan that you have Multiple Sclerosis."

I was not sure what the hell that was let alone what they were talking about. What the hell is this Multiple Sclerosis shit? I was getting ansy, and very scared. He went on to describe the symptoms to me.

DR: " MS, Mellissa is a neurological disorder that affects the MyLin Lining arround the nervous system, it can cause all sorts of problems. Thos e symptoms can be from dizziness to blindness to musculature spasms. They can also be deadly."

Fuck!!! he got right the heart of the matter. I was getting shakes and all I remember was the nurse being called.

I was awkwe several hours later. I was not sure what had transpired several hours previous. I was shocked and taken aback with what my GP mentioned to me. I never gave Mc Millan and Hughs a oppertunity to speak to me at all. Jenn was called I guess and the message was that she would be up after 7 pm that night. I was still having vision issues and just could not wrap my head arrround this at all. I began to wonder why? What the Fuck? What was happening to my perfect body? Well ok , maybe not exactly perfect, just my body. I swore I would look after it and I damn well did a good job of it too. Was this my fault? Was this my idiotic parents doing? I was lost and getting pissed in the process. I pushed the callbutton and the RN came in. Her name was natalie, she was tall, thin, short blonde hair cut pixie style, blue eyes and a eagle tatoo on her ankle which I could see under her nylons. She wasked me if I was alright and needed pain medication. I gratefully declined and asked her what went on this morning. She told me she would get ahold of Doctor Hughs. he will explain it to me. I just nodded my head.

Ninety minutes later Doctor Hughs and Jenn walked into my room. After a gentle hug and greetings,Doctor Hughs preceeded to tell me what was actually going on with my body. For fuck sake I was 23 years old I did not need this shit to happen to me. Hadn't I been to hell and back? Shit!!!!

DR HUGHS: " Mellissa, I understand you are wondering what was going on and what your body is doing to you?" I nodded. " Well basically your body is having a fight with in itself to maintain electrical impulses to your muscles and your brain(simple terms). The problem is we do not know why or how but your body is fighting." I started to cry. jenn held my hand. He proceed to tell me tat he was a neurologist and mainly looked after MS clients and I was now going to be looked after by him. I was to undergo more tests and tests and more tests to figure out the extent of this. He left 2 hours later and jenn and I talked.

Jenn: " My God Girl, I cannot leave you alone it seems without something going on in your life."

Me: " yes, looks that way girlfreind. Shit, I cannot understand this." I told her how I ended up here and what happened at home, she told me that she saw the table and the wall where my handprints were and the disaray of the phone table. The EMT'S left a bit of a mess. She said she cleaned it up. She got worried whehn the hospital called her at work. I apologized too her profusely. She told me not to worry about it. She asked me if there was anyone I needed to contact. I nodded my head in the negative. She left and I went to sleep.

The next 5 days I was given a multitude of tests, I was a wreck to say the least. I was diagnosed with Remittant MS, which means I will have bouts of fatigue, dizzyness and bouts of vision loss. I was given meds to assist me in dealing with them, Copaxone along with vitamins. My HRT was also changed to a lower doseage. I was realeased several days after that. Over the course of the fall and winter and the following several months I deveoped a attitude in how I dealt with this. I attended my University classes and pounced on them with a vengeance. Talk about a double whammy. That christmas I was having a quiet dinner by myself, I started shaking veery violently. I knocked alot of things over I was later told and I ended up back in the hospital and was hit by the realization I had Epilepsy. I knew I had tremmors etc. I never expected this to happen to me twice in a few short konths. Again I was given Medication to assist in the Seizures. They never worked what they were supposed to do. I was taken off on after a nother. and given a medication called DILANTIN. This med has assisted in maintaining my seizures within limits. I still have seizures and some are very violent( I have been told). I was once again comforted by Jenn and she was obviously filled in on what had happened to me.

I was shaken to the core twice in a few short months. Fuck, my life was hell. What was going on with me? Was this punishment for something? Or maybe more punishment. Fuck I had no idea. I later found out I had the Epilepsy since I was a little kid. I really started hating my life once again and becomming more and more depressed. I channeked my energies into school and trying to talk about this to Jenn and those that would listen to me. I wrote a little peice of prose that kinda summed up how I felt. It is caled the BURDEN:

MY BURDEN

MY BURDEN WAS TO BE BORN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO TRY AND LIVE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO ACCEPT MY FATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO ESCAPE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO RUN….

MY BURDEN WAS TO HATE….

MY BURDEN WAS TO DEGRADE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TO TRY AND LOVE MYSELF….

MY BURDEN WAS TO WONDER WHY? ….

MY BURDE WAS TO DISTRUST GOD….

MY BURDEN IS TO FEAR MYSELF….

MY BURDEN IS TRYING TO CARE FOR ME….

MY BURDEN IS TO GROW OLD….

MY BURDEN IS TO BE ALONE….

MY BURDEN IS TO DIE….

MY BURDEN ALONE AND NO OTHER…. END OF DISCUSSION!!.

Mellissa N Copyright 1987 (prairie_girl_64)

The weeks progressed nto months and eventually turned into years and my MS gradually increased upon my life as well as my Epilepsy. I was so shaken and shaken to the core. I was so scared. I looked at this as a continuation of the personal hell I was to endure in my life. I began to feel like I was a total burden on those arround me. I began to feel that I was just that burden. To Jenn, to those I met and talked too at university, to work, too those I met at the bus stop each morning. Yes I felt self pity. For the first time in my life I felt like a failure. My life was turning to shit and I was being dragged into the pile. I was so emotional. I was so scared. I was so pissed off. yes I almost ended there and then. I didn't. I came to realize after many long aruous chats with Jenn and those arround me that I had some kind of purpose. I dated yes, however none panned out. I was kinda glad of that tho.

I still have bouts of depression today over my place in this world and if I truely am a burden to those arround me. I guess I will never know for sure. I often think of how my life has changed so dramatically and drastically over the course of my life. That in the early part of 1992 I would face my most schallenging and most scary event in my life 8 months later in october of that year. I would be on a downward spiral. This event would test me to the limits and send my to extreme thoughts and depression. That Event would be with JASON. I would dub him my hell on earth experience since my "father". And I ma being extremely kind here. Hell on earth does not and will not express my thoughts and feelings here. Damn I hate my life..........

TO BE CONTINUED.

POINTS TO IMPROVE ON ARE WELCOME AS WELL AS COMMENTS. thanks very much for your support.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 24 BURDEN OF EXISTANCE EPISODE 2

COPYRIGHT 2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

When I woke up I was in hospital. There was no one arround, just lights on above me. I immediately panicked and began shaking. I pressed what ever button I could reach.

I waited and waited. Then, a tall nurse arrived. She looked flustered or stressed I was not accually sure of. I knew I was in alot of pain. I was so shaken, I never gave her much choice to start asking questions.

Me: "Where the hell am I? What the Hell happened too me? what is going on? Who the hell are you? Where is my clothes? Where is Melanie? Where is Jason? What the hell is going on? Why am I here?' I was in tears at this point.

The nurse answered me by first explaining who she was. Her name was cecile, she was tall about 5'10 auburn hair and green eyes. She first told me in a not so calm voice to keep it down or she would have to sedate me. Then she went on.

Cecile: " You are in the Hospital Mellissa. Secondly you were brought in over 5 weeks ago. You have been in a coma for a while now. Thridly, your clothes were cut off of you. Fourth, melanie will be here soon. Fifth, Jason was arrested, that is all I know. Six, you were badly beaten and raped, hence the bandages and casts about your arms and legs and face." I swore silently,'of fuck, when is this shit going to end'. She continued on " you are now in ICU and have been here about 23 days now.. we almost lost you on three different occassions." "You are lucky to be alive after the beating you took. We are amazed at that." I was in tears and asked to be left alone, she gave me something for pain.

I woke several hours later and Melanie was in the chair beside the bed, reading the latest glamour mag. Melanie is the girl I became freinds with in the apartment building I moved into after Jenn went off to college. I lived upstairs and she down. We often met for coffee and tea and the usual gossip. Anyhow, she smiled when I turned my head towards her and she spoke. " how are you feleling, Mellissa?" All I could so was whisper " not good, I need a drink and I am hungary." Well I was being fed IV my nutrients and meds. I was a real mess. She smiled and said she wuld be back in a second. When she returned a nurse was with her and it was not my nurse previous, she was lorraine, short and stocky, 5 feet nothing and black hair and brown eyes. She asked me how I was feeling and if I remembered anything, anything at all. I nodded in the negative. She frowned, then left.

Melanie had a worried look on her face. All she did was hold my hand. I guess 30 minutes later two orderly's came into my room and took me to the X-Ray department. I was given a MRI and a CT scan. Then I retuned to me rom some 90 minutes later.

Melanie told me all that she could tell me. " You called me at 5 and asked me to help you with your makeup and to talk about your impending date with Jason that evening. I arrived and you had the most beautiful black dress on that accentuated your curves. I believe it was your VS dress. I left at 645 and left you to wait til Jason arrived. I remember you telling me how you met and how you reconnected. I was extremely happy for you. I could here you above me with your heals on the lino floor in your kitchen several times." " The pacing stopped when I heard jason' come home, He looked obviously drunk and not in a very good mood when I saw him from my window. Next thing I know was a I heard a loud crash and a very loud bang. I was scared, for you and for me. I called 911 and told them what I could hear. They advised me not too get involved. I got really angry. I went up to your place and I litterally saw Jason throw you through your kitchen wall, then repeatedly beat you and kick you. I yelled at him yo stop, he had a look of rage and was totally pissed off as well as drunk as I coluld smell the alcohol from where I was. I repeatedly beat you then I saw him rape you. I know you hit him , I do not know how you did that, but he staggered and fell backwards. I then screamed as lous as I coluld as I saw your legs twisted and arms not where they obviously should be pointing." She continued, " He rose up on his feet and stumbled towards you and gave you a swift kick to the face and then another to your groin and abdomen. I was still screaming. He staggered towards the door and stumbled into me, I was scared and fall back against the railing. He stumbled down the stairs and got in his car and left. I had to make a choice, stay with you or follow him. I chose to follow him in my car as the ambulance arrived and I told them to call the police as I was going to follow that car. I followed him back to the bar where he was at from the beginning. He stumbled and staggard into the place and the cops arrived and went in to the place and hauled him out in cuffs, he was cussing and swearing, that he should have killed that"bitch" (you Mellissa). I was so taken aback and scared that I needed assistance back to the huse and to the hospital. They would not let me near you. I was told that you were severerly beaten and that you were unconcious." " I checked on you everyday, I called your work and explained the situation and then I went into your place of work and talked to your boss. You have a job when you get out of here."

I was shocked with a blank expression. I started to cry. " I asked her what happened to my apartment." She told me that it was a mess, my walls were badly damaged or destroyed. The main thing she told me was that she was glad I was alive." I asked her to call Jenn. Melanie wanted to know where i could find her number I told her in a muffled whisper where her number was as well as the number where she might be working. She soon left 3 hours later. I began to cry. I began to seriously doubt my existance here. I wanted to kill myself, I wanted it to be over with. I was so alone. I was so frustrated and in so much agony. I eventually fell asleep, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

**************

In April 1992 I reconnected with Jason and we talked alot and we started to become a regular couple at the local coffee shop, each week. The weeks passed and then months and both our jobs were going well he was a local manager at a local computer outlet and I maintained my job in retail. The summer passed quickly and then fall. Both of of had decided to go out and have a wonderful dinner on the 24th of October. I made reservations at a kinda upscale restraunt call the DIPLOMAT. The restraunt was posh and suit and tie dress code etc. Not very expensive ,but expensive enuff. I had purchaed a black , off the right shoulder Victoria Secret dress. The dress came to 2 inches above my knees. I decided that a trip to the slon was in order. I made a appointment for 1130 and went. I had my nails done and my hair styled nicely and put in a french twist. (my hair was down to my rear end) This posed a chore for my stylist marie. I went home and relaxed and then took a bath and called Melanie. She came up and we talked and gossiped. Melanie left and I continued to get ready. I paced and paced. After 45 minutes I called Jason's work and was told he left and should be on his way home. I figured probably traffic. I waited and paced about. Then he arrived and he looked disheveled. That is all I can remember...... The lights went out after I heard screams..........

TO BE CONTINUED.....

POINTS TO IMPROVE ON ARE WELCOME. THIS IS A ACCOUNT FROM MY JOURNAL UP TIL THAT NIGTH IN OCTOBER AND WITH MELANIE'S OWN WORDS SHE WROTE FOR ME SEVERAL WEEKS AFTER I WENT HOME. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHOM HAVE COMMENTED AND EMAILED ME ON THIS JOURNEY. I APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH. THANKS.

MELLISSA (prairie_girl_64)

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 25 HELL HATH NO FURY......

COPYRIGHT 2008 PRAIRIE-GIRL-64

Badly damaged and unrepairable so I thought. My god why me? Did I deserve this all over again. My Oh My, what next. If I was playing any type of sport that had three periods or quarters or even that baseball ting with innings in it, I was done and out for sure.

I had to wonder as I lay in my hospital bed listening to the sounds of my beeping IV lines, that this nightmare would be over and I would be back at home and enjoying my own bed. Fuck, I was getting angry. I began to try and recall in my own head what made Jason flip out on me. I could not even get a clue, let alone a inclination as to what might have set him off. I guess one of those puzzles I would never complete.

Several weeks past and then drew into a month when I was paid a visit by a crown prosecutor. Her name was Angela. She stood about 5 feet 4 , slim and attractive. She had wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. She introduced herself to me and then she started asking me all sorts of questions. " Mellissa , do you remember what happened to you that night, we are trying to get some indication as to what you remember so we can proceed with the charges we have laid against Jason."

All I could do was scrunch up my face and nod a defient smile. I said. " Angela, I wsih I could rermember what happened, what I already told the police when they visited me plus what Melanie mentiooned to them when they interviewed her."

Angela could only nod and then began to lay out what they were about to do.

Angela: " Mellissa, I represent the Crown that will proceed to prosecute your former boyfreind Jason. he is being charged with assualt, attempted murder as well as rape. We arer also charging him with DUI, Felonious assault on a police officer. We have him for lewd conduct as well. " She went on. " I would have my doubts at this point Mellissa that you wll be able to attend the trial. We would like to have you as our key wittness, however, with the extent of your injuries, we do not think that will be posible."

Me: " I want to be there. I want to see that asshole see what he did to me, that asshole wrecked me." Angela nodded.

Angela: " I would highly boubt that you will be able to. I now the extent of the injuries to you and the 9 surgeries you have undergone." I nodded and tears began to flow. I was in so much pain and I was really angry to boot. I wanted to be there in the court room when that asshole Jason got sentenced. If There was a the death penalty, I would be the one to throw the switch with no remorse. They say that "HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED..." well I was that woman scorned and I was getting angrier and pissed off by the moment.

It was now late July of 1993 and I was in no real condition to even move about as both my legs were in traction and both my arms were in slings accross my chest. I felt like I was in a straighht jacket. I had a eyepatch on my right eye and my nose was broken. I was later told that I had both my arms, jaw, nose, legs, collar bones, elbows, and my groin were seriously damaged. My arms and legs were pinned by braces and my collar bones were reset. my nose underwent surgery as did my ribs and my groin. I was rendered castrated. That never bothered me in the least as the years of HRT basically shrank my penis to virtually nothing. I had been in hospital almost a full year and I was feeling depressed. When was this going to end. Melanie visited every other day. Sheila my therapist dropped by when she could and we talked. Angela dropped by every other week to obtain more information from me if there was anything I could remember. That was very little. I felt so lost. I felt so angry. I was seriously depressed and I think everyone knew it as well.

In Late September, 11 month almost to the day I was released and sent over to rehab. My first thoughts were 'oh joy'. How long am I going to be here. What was next in the hell for Mellissa. I still had the pins in my legs and my arms. So I was getting used to the realization of being wheeled arround everywhere. NOT!!!!!!. How I missed my independence. How I missed my freedom. I guess if there was a light in this darkness it was that I was out of hospital and saw trees and grass. The fresh air was wonderful. That lasted about 45 minutes. At least when I was checked into the rehab fascility, I had a window to see out of and I shared a room with a woman by the name of beverley. She was in a car accident and was now a quad. We spent alot of time chatting and then eventually shared our 4 hour rehab time downstairs.

My pysiotheripists were named Theresa, vickki, and Mark. I immediately flipped out that I had a male as my physiotheripist. I lost it and he was sent packing. He was replaced by a young Pt with the name of cassandra. Now Theresa, was short and heavy set, about 5 foot 2. Vikki was tall at 5 feet 8 while Canandra was inbetween then at 5 feet 4. I was well recieved and worked my ass off. to get back my strength. thery worked my arms first. They were the easiest I guess. and then came my legs. That was another major issue all into it's own. I still had the legs pinned and braced. I kinda walked like a penguin. I sometimes laughed at the jokes that were made. My spirits seemed to gain momentum, however I did have serious bouts of it. Thos would last for days. I oftyen thought I would be better off dead. Sheila and Melanie were my angels that kept me afloat. Jenn often clled me at the rehab and we would talk for hours. She always cared for me. For that I was grateful.

Angela stopped by one cold november morning at about 11. It snowed the night before and there was alot of snow outside. I do not think I can remember seeing so much snow in years. She walked into my room with her dark black winter coat and gloves on and she greeted me.

Angela: " Good morning Mellissa, How are you doing? I have been keeping up with your progress here and I must say I am impressed. However, I am a bit worried tho that you are going a bit too fast and not allowing yourself to heal properly."

Me: " Hi Angela, I know that you may be worried and I definitely appreciate your concern. I have to do this. I have to try and fight this . I am so alone, I am so fucking mad. I want to see that prick get what he deserves. I want to walk out of here and see his face when I enter that court room. I am sure you can understand why I must do this." I went on. " Can you not see what I have to do? You do not know me that weel. With what I have had to fucking go through. I have to get out of here." She nodded with a scowl on her face.

Angela: " I do understand Mellissa, Trust me, i do understand. I also think you need to allow yourself to heal and make yourself better and let these wonderful physiotheripists assist you ion that healing. I for one cannot imagine what you have been through. I do however know that you are human and are fallable." She went on " Please take your time Mellissa, We are going to proceed with Jason's trial. I have petitioned the court to make sure that you stay away."

I was seeing red, blood red when she said that. I got really angry. I said. " What the fuck, that bastard damn near killed me and I am being ordered to stay away. Fuck that noise Angela. I will be there. this just gives me more incentive to be there. Fuck why are you doing this too me?"

Angela: " We feel that it would hurt the case if you were there because you are so angry. You are a victem here Mellissa. We have to protect you. we need to be able to keep you safe. this is the best place for you and you need to be here." I was really steamed. I said " Fuck Angela, where the hell do you get off telling me what I can and cannot do and what is best for me. I will tell you this and only this. You have no fucking clue what I went through growing up, you have no idea what I went through growing up on the streets. I have seen death there and I have almost killed myself because of the shit I had to deal with, with my family. I am not some little child that you can ground me and keep me away. If I have to I wil get to the trial of that son of a bitch. That is what I intend to do."

Angela: " I hope that you do not end up showing up. I can tell you this if you do I will personally have you arrsted for obstruction. I will have no choice." She calmed down and then stated " Mellissa, I want him to pay as much as you do, Ihave spent litterally hundreds of hours on this and I for one will not have it jeoprodized. Do we understand one another?" I only nodded my head. I knew that she knew I was upset and that I was angry. I was pissed. Angry doesn't measure in the sceme of things right now. All I could do was silently say 'fuck'.

Angela left and I was left to ponder my decisions here. I wondered how long I was going to have to endure this hell. I wondered if I was ever going to be able to walk again. I wondered if my life would ever be the same. I wondered why hadn't I taken my life when I was younger, I definitely wouldn't have to deal with the shit and abuse on a continual basis. I sighed and wondered if it was going to be worth it. I had no choice but to deal with what was in front of me. I was going to get out of here. Angela's talk helped. I decided that Hell hath no fury like this woman scorned.. I was going to damn well make sure that hell hath no fury on that son of a bitch Jason. I was more fired up now than I had ever been. Time would tell if I was doomed here or doomed on the outside. Here I was a prisoner, outside I had a fighting chance. I guess only time would tell.......

TO BE CONTINUED..........

POINTS TO IMPROVE ON AND COMMENTS WELCOME. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. I APPRECIATE IT.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 27 PRE TRIAL

The days passed as well as my therapy. On a bleak Tuesday morning at 10 am I was unceremoniously startled in my room by Mr. McVeigh. I particularly did not like the man as he was defending the asshole that put me in this position. Needless to say I was not a happy camper.

He had a smirk that was wide like the Grand Canyon. Well maybe not that wide. But close. He approached me as usual said “Good Morning Mellissa”. My reply somewhat sarcastic was “Morning”. He launched into asking me all sorts of questions upon which I had already answered as much as I could at his first meeting with me. “Do you remember what happened?” “Do you know what prompted Jason to do this too you?” “Can you tell me anymore than what you have already mentioned to me?” I nodded my head slowly and spoke very clearly to him. Or as clearly as I could. “Mr McVeigh, I told you all I could tell you as I was kind of unconscious when I was taken to the hospital after that asshole beat the shit out of me.” “Also, why the hell are you harassing me over this as I am sure that the crown has already presented its case, or is about too.” His facial expressions wavered abit then he spoke “Mellissa, You know that deep down in your heart and soul that you deserved every bit of what happened to you? Right? You deceived Jason from the beginning of your relationship? What did you expect to happen? Come on quit playing semantics here. He will get off and just admit that you were wrong and let this go? He will not spend a day in jail. I was thinking ‘fuck off asshole, he will if I have my way with this’.

He smirked his sly way and I told him to leave. I thought nothing of it in the way I told him to leave either. I pushed my call button which I had under my blanket and the nurse arrived a short time later and asked if everything was alright. I nodded my head in the negative and told the slime to leave. He smirked and left with his briefcase in hand.

That afternoon Angela arrived and was waiting in my room when I return from my physio treatment. I can say that was the highlight of each and every day in rehab. I spent 90 minutes in the pool. And then exercises to get my strength back so I could learn how to walk. A lot of pain I endured in the time I was there. Anyhow, Angela greeted me with a smile and small hug that was light. I smiled somewhat and said “Good afternoon Angela” She replied “Hi Mellissa; How are you feeling? My reply was “Okay somewhat, I am sore and a bit annoyed with that asshole defence attorney of Jason’s.” She smiled and said “Yes, I was called at noon that he stopped by and that you were not too receptive to him.” I nodded and replied “damn right I was not receptive to him; he is a prick just like Jason, why should I be nice to pricks like him. He was a smug arrogant asshole. He told me that Jason will never spend a day in jail. That I deceived him from the get go.” “ I did not deceive anyone and especially him as we talked a lot before we even were involved. Shit Angela, it was Jenn and her friends that set me up with him years ago. He bloody well knew from the get go who I was.” She nodded and said “ Yes I know Mellissa, things are slowly coming to light with him and people are stepping up to the forefront here. Trust me he will spend time in jail, he has a long list of charges he will not be able to escape from.” I slowly nodded my head in agreement. I then told her “Angela, I want to testify and give a statement when this all over.” She looked shocked and quietly stated” Mellissa, I will not advise that at this point, however if there is a opportunity here, then I can call you for the statement, we have all the photo’s and evidence collected from him. Statements are in the can and police reports are written and all the “T’s” and “I’s” are properly crossed and dotted. Not to worry. Thing will hopefully go the way they should in this case.”

I really could not say much after that as it went by so quick. Before I knew it I was ready to sleep and she said her goodbye’s and left. I was left to wonder my own existence once again. If there was a day when I thought this shit would end with me, I thought back to those days at home and the attempted suicides that failed me. It was just another prime example of me being in hell again. Fuck I hate my life and all those horrible memories would rise again and really mess with me. This last go really began to wear me down. I really began to think that it would have been better to be dead. My existence and sanity was put to the test again and again. I really began to feel unwanted and useless again. I have my thoughts on that slime bag McVeigh. Some of which I have expressed here and believe me as things go forward, my voice on this asshole gets very strong. I am not leaving Angela alone in my thoughts either, she pulled some pretty shady shit with things with me and I was not impressed. I had a lot of nasty words to her as things went on. I also expressed my discord to the whole trial process as I felt I was going to be victimized further and In essence I was. I really wish I was dead, and then this fucking nightmare would be over. My spirit was once again lost as I thought for a brief shinning moment I was making some progress. Hell, why is life a bitch? All would culminate at the trial and that was not pretty and it definitely was not pleasant for me. Oh well…………..

TO BE CONTINUED

Comments are appreciated. Points to improve on are also welcomed.

 © 2008 prairie_girl_64

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 28

THE TRIAL EPISODE 1

 © 2008 prairie_girl_64

The day arrived of which I dreaded the most. The announcement of the trial. I was nervous as well as relieved. All the parities gathered in a fairly large court room. This room was ornate in design. It took after the colonial architecture. The ornate columns and lights were majestic. The center of the room was where the judge would sit high. The jury box was to the left and the defence table was below that. The crowns table was to the right of the judge’s desk. They were old oak tables.

Tuesday was the start of the trial. This thing took almost 29 months to get to this point. I had already undergone my stint in hospital and most of my rehabilitation. I still had some time to undergo to be cleared. I had made a lot of progress on the physical side. Mentally that was a different issue altogether. I daydreamed that the asshole would die. I wished he would be put to death. He tortured me in life and now in my daydreams as well. I so wanted him dead. If we had the death penalty here I would have been so glad to have pulled the handle on the noose. I spent almost 15 months in ICU and a regular room and then a significant amount of time in rehab and well not completely done yet I wanted to get out of there and quick. All the time I was in the hospital and rehab the son of a bitch was trying to plea bargain down to aggravated assault. He actually was pleading not guilty for damn near killing me. I knew he had a laundry list of other charges against him. Some of these were; DUI, Assault on a police officer. Assault on a bar patron, reckless driving, undo care and attention. Along with this were the ones he had been charged with on me; Assault, attempted murder, causing bodily harm as well as rape. This asshole really fucked up me life and he was really going to fuck it up even more with his insane attempts to get off. Let me say I was absolutely pissed off.

At 9:30 am on that Tuesday it began. The courtroom was basically quiet there were the usual people there. The bailiff, the court stenographer, and the jury members (12…. 8 men and 4 women). I felt it was stacked against me. There were a few others in the court room as well. A few people I recognized from the rehab and hospital, Jenn and Melanie. That was a comfort too me that they were there. The Bailiff told us all to rise and we did. He announced the Judge, the Honourable Judge Williams. Judge Williams was a tall statuesque gentleman; He stood well over 6 feet and had greying black hair and brown eyes. He did not look fat at all. In fact I thought he looked very fit under his robe. He had bifocal glasses attached to a cord around his neck. Angela sat with me at the crowns desk and of course Mr McVeigh and Jason were across the aisle. I never looked at him and I did know that he was looking at me. His furtive glances were not unseen by those in the room.

I did make it to the trial and I was determined to stick it out. I was in a wheelchair and I was still heavily bandaged and bruised. The nurses were there for my benefit. The trial was to last 4 months, somewhat long by my tastes. However, Jason had a lot to answer for. They would deal with the most serious of the charges against him first. Those against me were the most serious. I absolutely felt ill sitting near that prick. If I had my way I would have loved to have castrated him. I kept thinking that he will get his and be a bitch in jail. And that placed a smile on my face and a slight giggle.

Judge Williams asked for opening statements upon which Mr. Mc Veigh stood and began his remarks.

McVeigh: ‘Thank you your honour. My client as you see him sitting to my left is an innocent individual. The charges before the court are absolutely fabricated. The real victim here is Jason. He was unwillingly duped by the alleged victim in this situation. Jason, whom is a upstanding member of his family and has not posed any issues in the past. He was knowingly blindsided and duped by Mellissa. Jason believes he was upset by the way he was duped and lied to by her and he had every right to respond to the lies and deception perpetrated by Mellissa. We shall show with reasonable doubt that Jason is innocent of all these charges against him. Jason has been wronged and the evidence shall support our claims as such.” “The evidence is clear your honour that with the testimony of the witnesses we have my client will be found not guilty and this whole matter will be closed”

I kept my cool while that idiot defence lawyer painted Jason as a model citizen. Inside I was fuming; I was ready to explode on the asshole. Inside I was crying for justice to be done. Was I going to be able to take this all over again? I really doubted my presence there in this court room now. Was this a huge mistake? Was this what I wanted? I knew damn well that it was right and I had made it so far without too much difficulty. I knew I had to have some justice. I wanted too make sure that Jason saw me, the injuries he had caused. Innocent my ass. There was no way he was innocent. There was way too much stacked against him. He was not going to get off that lightly. I thought so at that time anyhow.

Angela then stood and addressed the court.

Angela: “Thanks your Honour, What the evidence will show is a definitive proof that the defendant (Jason) knew unequivocally whom my client is and the heinous act placed upon her. The evidence will also show this act was barbaric in nature, the scars will linger and remain for many years. We will also show the photo’s of the victim here and how this has had a detrimental impact on her care and possible future. We will also prove with a certainty that Jason knew whom he was with. This was mentioned by statements made after her beatings and also included statements from Jason himself. This is a crime of unspeakable brutality and hatred for another human being. We have witnesses your honour that will showcase Jason’s involvement with Mellissa dating back a few years. We will also show that the real victim here is Mellissa and that she should feel free from the problems of which Jason has caused her. We will introduce evidence that will shed light on a extraordinary woman whom beat all odds and managed to set herself on the right path. The evidence will also prove that Jason maliciously set about to hurt Mellissa that night in October 1992. “

I felt somewhat relieved that Angela was on my side here. Inside I was sick that Jason had a chance of getting away with what he did too me. Was there justice? I was sure about to find out. I began to feel really tired and after sitting listening through the opening statements I was lead out of the courtroom and back to my room at the rehab center. I was not present during the rest of the opening evidence for the rest of the week as I had ongoing treatments.

Angela stopped by on the Friday after 5 pm when I had returned to my room after a go in the parallel bars. (They were trying to get me back walking). She greeted me with a slight hug. She told me what evidence McVeigh brought in to discredit me and made Jason the innocent one in all this. I asked her if that meant I had to appear and give my side of the story. Angela said “not necessarily, that will come later” McVeigh has to defend his client and will introduce all his evidence. We will have that opportunity later.” I was so naíve as to the court system here, sheesh. I was so dumb. Street Smart justice I could understand all to well. Someone wronged you on the street, simple justice, beat the hell out of them and move on. There were no judges or juries nor lawyers involved. You saw something wrong; you took action, end of discussion. I had to put my faith in Angela’s ability to defend me and make that asshole pay. I can look back at his experience and honestly say that justice was never dealt the way it should have been dealt.

I never made it for the next few weeks of the trial as I was literally laid up with pneumonia. I kept in contact with Angela with phone calls. The defence was sure laying all the blame on me and my actions. I was degraded and humiliated as well as belittled in court and I was not even there to defend myself. I sank into a minor depression yet again and Sheila was called to guide me through that mess again. Jenn and Melanie stopped by every other night after court and filled me in on the day’s happenings. I told them I wish I was there. They told me not too worry, things were going to work out. I had serious doubts. Being a street wise kid gives you an edge and a feeling. I felt that justice would never be served. I was pissed off, yes, you better believe it. As I look back even now, it still angers me and pisses me off. The edge I guess would be when I was called to the stand in three weeks. McVeigh still had to present a few more witnesses and those included Jenn and Melanie. I vowed to be at the trial again comes hell or high water. I was sickened by McVeigh’s attitude and complete ignorance towards me. I guess now I understand it. I knew he had to do his job, I felt he went way overboard with his depiction of me.

I sure can say that things were quite interesting during these four months of the trial. Justice or No Justice. I really felt that there was going to be a split here and I was going to have to play it out and see what transpired. I was angry and wished I had died that night then I would not of had to deal with this long hard road of rehabilitation and recovery and then again, I am glad I was.

TO BE CONTINUED…….

COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED AND WELCOMED. POINT TO IMPROVE ON IS ALSO WELCOMED. THANKS.

***** NOTE: I have edited a lot of the opening statements due to some emotional trauma it will create with me. I apologize in advance. However I felt as did several others that it would be too much.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT THE TRIAL

PART 31 EPISODE 4

 ©2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

NOTE: This is still touchy and I caution the reader, of its description of violence of woman. This was not easy for me to write, however I have stuck it out and posted it here.

Day 54:

I did not return to court til the 54th day as I ended up with a cold , so the trial proceeded without me as other witnesses were brought in and testified, hospital and EMT’s and doctors were sworn in and grilled over the coals by Angela and McVeigh. I guessed that McVeigh would have a fun time trying to discredit the evidence of the photos of me. I am still horrified when I see them. I did see them in court later on. And I almost threw up.

When I returned to court I could see vengeance in Jason’s eyes and those of McVeigh’s as well. This was not going to be good. McVeigh was out for blood, my blood. Shit. When I was sworn in yet again, he asked me “Mellissa is you going to be ok and tell the truth here?” It was a statement saying the last time I was in this very spot I lied, NO FUCKING WAY I lied. What a prick I thought. I nodded and said “what I told you was the truth. So get on with this questioning”. So he began:

McVeigh: “Can you describe the evening in question, October and what was it you were trying to prove to Jason?”

Prove, what the fuck was he talking about, did he imply that I was going to seduce Jason, fuck what a asshole.

Me: “I wanted to look nice and I think I proved that before your CLIENT beat the SHIT out of me”

McVeigh: “now Mellissa, please be honest here, you were out to seduce my client that night. He did not really want to go out for dinner at all , but YOU convinced him to go is that not correct?”

Me: “We had discussed it and we both agreed to go out, HE even made the reservations to go out and they confirmed to me that they were expecting us.” What was his fucking game I began to wonder.

McVeigh: “Well according to documents and sworn statement from the restraint manager that it was you that made the reservations and you confirmed them. Please Mellissa cut the antics, you lied here today as you lied when you were on the stand previous, is that not correct?”

Me: “No, I certainly have not lied and have not lied to this court before and I definitely do not intend on it.”

Angela spoke “Your honour, this questioning is completely out of line and not relevant here, the council is trying to put words in my client’s mouth, he is also badgering my client in admitting something she did not do. I have seen the sworn statement and also interviewed many of the staff and was privy to a the evidence before this court as to the validity of this statement and it was JASON whom made the reservation, I am begging the courts mercy here to spare my client from this line of questioning.”

Judge: “Sustained, please stick to the relevant facts here councillor”

McVeigh: “ can you describe the night in question as we have already heard your testimony before this court on the events leading up to that night and the night in question. My client was not in court on that day as I recall and that he needs to here it as I do as well as a refresher.”

I related to him and the court yet again the trauma of my earlier meeting with Jason and our dating and then that night as I prepared to get ready for my night with him. I went into the same graphic detail as I had before. I had a clearer view of the jury this time around and the looks were stale and unmoving as I never knew what they were thinking. Fuck this pissed me off, here I again have to bare all and feel like I am trial once again. This was getting fucking ridiculous and fast and that little smug looking bastard calmly awaiting my screw up. Fucking hell.

McVeigh: “quite the tale Mellissa, why do you persist in lying to this court?”

Angela: “Objection your Honour, this is getting a little stale here, by the councillor and badgering is completely out of line”

Judge: “watch it councillor, you are treading here, very thin ice, keep your questions to the matters at hand and on topic and dispense the opinions.”

McVeigh: “sorry you’re Honour, I am trying to get to the facts as they are presented.”

Judge: “thin ice MR MCVEIGH, watch it”

McVeigh: “ Mellissa, your previous testimony indicates that you lived and worked on the streets for a approximately 18 months and that you ran away from home and that your parents did not beat you at all. That you made up your past to justify your own unhappy feelings at home and your own personal agenda. You hated your family and would do anything to discredit them. You were so unhappy that you attempted suicide to gain acceptance for your own perversions, is that not correct’

Angela: “your Honour, this line of questioning is irrelevant, the evidence shows that my client was severely beaten at the hands of her family and the medical records show this, why is the defence council trying to discredit her testimony and that of the records of her previous abuse?”

McVeigh: “I am pointing to motive your honour, she wanted the attention at home because she never got her way and therefore decided to discredit my client with this story of abuse and rape.”

Judge: “I will allow the evidence already entered here as what and that of truth and her own testimony cite that, however, she will answer the question.”

Me: “Your honour, I never lied about none of the shit I took at home, I have the scars to prove what my brother and father did and now this, this asshole is trying to say I did this to myself, that is bullshit your honour and I will not apologize for his actions. I was beaten and abused and he continued with it til I almost died. Truth be told your honour, I wish he would have killed me, then maybe the self righteous and pompous asshole would gloat some more that he killed a transsexual, that he gained pleasure from it. Maybe he got kicks out of this before.” “ask your client McVeigh what his attitudes with woman are, maybe he cannot get a real woman , he settles on Transsexuals instead, the sick bastard.”

The banter went on and on and on for nearly two and three quarter hours before it quit and I was relieved from the stand and we took a break. I was relieved and yes I was admonished by Angela and the Judge for my behaviour and swearing. After the 4 months and 5 and one half days of this trial the jury went into deliberation it was over…

I was relieved to say the least, I was still angry at Jason, I was angry at myself, I was angry at the whole system. I was angry at my so called “parents”. I was not told til much later after the trial was over that they were at the trial for only a few hours as somehow they got wind of what was going on.

The end result of all this was that Jason received 10 years total for all the charges that were against him. I was more pissed than anything. He would be eligible for parole in 6 and a half that would place it close to the year 2000. If I made it that far. I was now recovered from my wounds to within a reasonable degree and I had managed a few short months on my feet then I was struck with a fainting spell at a new job that placed me in my current situation. Still guilty from the interrogation I received from McVeigh, I knew he was only doing his job. I still held some resentment towards him. I also had some resentment for Angela too, I would have liked her to have pushed for a harder sentence of 60 years. However what we wish for we never rarely get in life. That I s such a shame. Life is definitely not fair. I was beaten and bruised by family that supposedly loved me, again I was battered and beaten by Jason and all those men while on the streets surviving. The Jason and then again in court by a system that treats the victims as the guilty and the guilty as the victims…so fucking unfair…. Lives will inevitable carry on….. My life to this point has been hell and not much heaven. I guess I shall see if I can survive the next bit of my life………..time will tell.

TO BE CONTINUED…….

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 32

AFTERMATH

 ©2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

The long trial over, life as I new it continued. Slowly, as it seemed, my days became routine, there was the same gossip in the PT room and with the same therapists. In my head I was not getting back to routine. Sure one might say that ‘well she is healing’. The truth is told, that yes my body may be healing, my emotions and my psyche’ were severely damaged. I wished that I would be nightmare free, this was not to be and I gave the nurses at the rehabilitation center a heart attack on more than one occasion.

They would start out the same, Jason and me causally talking and then they would erupt into his assault on me. Then I would wake up screaming. Eventually I hoped that they would end. I had to pin some kind of hope in this. Shit I survived that assholes brutal assault on me and rape too. It must get back to normal? Would it? In the following month I was visited by Angela and on a few occasions Melanie, she moved from the residence under me. I knew I would have to find a new place. That was one of my priorities afterwards. The aftermath of all this placed me in the delicate and fragile column. I was snippy and sarcastic. I had a few visits by Sheila as well and we talked a significant amount. I also had physicians from the mental health society and from the woman’s center, to council me on dealing with this traumatic event.

38 days later I was well enough to be released and start fresh as they say. I had to find a temporary place to live so I went to the YWCA and was given a room. I had to find a job which was next on my priority list. Social assistance was the present order for the day. I maintained counselling and individual sessions with both Sheila and Pat at the Women’s center. My many trips to the psychologists were long and very exhausting. With Sheila and Pat they were good sessions. Each were 2 hours and they were some help. In December I joined a support group and continued with them for 7 months. I had found a job working in a convenience store working night shift (4 pm til 12 Am). The pay was good , not great however it put some food on my plate. I still had many scars and walked with crutches for several months after my release.

Life was very complicated as I became despondent and depressed on many occasions and I eventually gave up and quit my job at the store. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I still suffer with it today. Many years after the fact. I eventually found a steady job and pay check; I ended up with a major retail chain stocking shelves from 11 pm to 8 am. I really enjoy doing that job, I worked mainly by myself. The personnel manager and the night time supervisor were well aware of my struggles and they paired me up with a few other ladies or left me alone. I was given my instructions in notes left in my mailbox. I loved it, I found a small one room apartment 4 months later and moved my meagre belongings in. They consisted of a radio and a mattress and some clothes that were placed in storage for me by both Jenn and Melanie, while the trial was going on. Also some glasses and silverware and plates too. Life rolled on and I maintained a very shy existence at work and my social life diminished to next to nothing. I resorted to immerse myself in books and music. I gathered a lot of LP’s and cassettes. Bands like Journey, Led Zeppelin, Rush, April Wine, Harlequin, Te Stones, the Who, Black Sabbath, AC/DC. Books like authors, Patterson, King, and Follett. I wondered often what my life was going to be like. I wondered if things would be the same. Where the things I had experienced before return? Were those things from my past continue? I had no idea. I knew I had to try and live as best I could. Yeah, right, I seriously began to question everything. I took a night course on Human Resources. I enrolled and passed. My life would once again change dramatically in June of 1997. This event would upset the balance of how I was to live.

TO BE CONTINUED…..

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 33

WHEELS TO GO

 ©2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

May passed into June and my job was beginning to be quite enjoyable, I came out of my shy spell and I actually started to talk with others at work. Both male and female, I know uncanny, but true. I had to try and get over my fear of contact with the male species of this planet. Not an easy task to accomplish let me assure you. I made some strong acquaintances at work, a woman named Denise was on the same routine as me and we had the same days off and we ended up on coffee excursions almost weekly. She was married with no kids as yet; her husband was a labourer at the pipe fitting plant north of the city. Denise was short, and plump, not fat mind you, just round with blue eyes and long brunette hair. She stood a height of 4’11. That was cool. I sort of got to know a guy there on my shift as well, his name was Pete, and he was shy and quiet, thin like a rail. He stood 5’6 and about 145 if that. The pair made a combination let me tell you. Both had comic personalities, me I was again the odd out in the trio. Pete’s schedule ran one day longer than Denise’s and mine.

The three of us were returning from our 230 am coffee break, (I do not drink coffee, I had my usual tea). We all were in the stock room loading our carts and beginning to move the carts to the floor; I reached for a few extra items to place on my cart and then moved the cart to the floor. I had forgot a box on the table in the back and Denise went back with me as she needed to grab her extra cart that was loaded of fabrics and clothes for the clothes area. I had the baby are and the shoes. As I was returning to the floor, my lights went out.

I woke up in the medical emergency room. I was disoriented and groggy. I had blood on my face and hands and my smock was covered in dirt mixed with blood. The supervisor was in a chair near me, Denise was on the floor. She popped back a hour later and asked me how I was I said not good. I attempted to sit up and fell forward banging my head on the desk that was near the bed. I was out again. I woke up in the Emergency room several hours later, in a hospital gown. My first thought was ‘why me’. A doctor arrived and told me that she wanted x-rays and a CT scan done. I just nodded and did not want to communicate at that time. This was Déjá  vu .I began to wonder these stupid hospital visits are a common occurrence and when the hell were they going to stop. Sheesh, if it is not one thing after another. If you remember I was diagnosed earlier with having Multiple Sclerosis, well this was the nail that popped that balloon. I did not realize it yet; my life walking was going to be at a end. All sorts of Questions arose in me. Why me? What next? How was I going to live? Where was I going to live? Was my life over? I have always been smart, nothing I was even remotely prepared for even analytically speaking. I WAS DONE! They sat things come in threes, well if there was any indication I broke that record. Fuck. WHY? Was this some kind of punishment again for my life?

After a week in hospital again I was told I was never going to be able to walk again and that my life would be spent on four wheels. Okay, I thought, how the hell am I going to get about that way? Not that I had that much experience in a wheelchair to begin with. Sure, I had those days being wheeled in a chair to physio every day, but this was going to be completely different. My God, how was I going to adapt to this way of life? Was there a choice? Was there a chance I could survive this? At this point I had to say no way in hell. I was set up with a temporary chair from the Abilities Council. The next chore was how to make the chair more friendly and how was I going to get to and from work. Shit, my frustration level peaked again. I was sent back to The Rehabilitation Center and given a number of tests and challenges and then set free 12 days later. Shit, real life challenges and I was not comfortable with this new adventure. I began to think of ways to get about. I tried the city transit services and they only had a few low floor buses and they were not guaranteed to be running when I needed to be at work or when I was off work. A dilemma to say the least. I would soon find out that individuals like me now in chairs had more obstacles than those walking and this became my mission. I was going to master this chair and challenges that went along with it. I was now mobile and I was on wheels and this new adventure would begin…….

TO BE CONTINUED…

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 34

LIFE ON FOUR WHEELS

 ©2008 Prairie_girl_64

There are some that say life for anyone can be made either easy or difficult. I can relate to that saying on so many different levels. Now my life has become difficult once again. I am in now way saying my life was easy. I can say I adapted to it quite nicely (sarcasm here). The shit hit the fan early in my life and well it kept piling up. Now; I can definitely say it is piling up yet again. Now that that Idiot Jason is out of my life for the next while, I can concentrate on my current situation. This new situation is trying to live on four wheels. Yeah!! What a concept. Firstly, my place of residence is not and I mean NOT easy to get about. I will say that has become a serous issue for me. Sure you might say well anyone can get about in a wheelchair. I say try it and see. Better yet try it on plush carpet.

After my hospital stay I was set up with several other doctors and yes back to the rehabilitation center where I had been for months. Sheesh, enough was enough. I think that they may get tired of me there. I was angry about my current situation. Anyone should be. I took this as a positive sign, I could easily give up. Trust me I could do that. I decided to adapt. Anyhow, I was outfitted with my new wheels, much better fit for me than the ones that they loaned me when I came home with. I was outfitted with arm crutches. These were going to be a challenge altogether. Oh well, what can I do, there was sop much that needed to be done. I was off work and well that took on a whole new dimension for me. I am not used to sitting about. Yes I was depressed, I called Sheila several times and we chatted. One thing I had to find was suitable transportation for me to get out, and then I had to fine someone to assist me around the apartment and assist me in my day to day outings. That was a challenge. More on that a bit later.

Multiple Sclerosis is a neurological illness that affects the myelin lining that protects the spine. The symptoms can result in shaking, vision issues and severe muscle trauma. The nerve endings are basically short circuiting as the pathways are slowed. It the basic and easy way to describe it. For me I lost my control of my arms and legs. Some of the other issues I encountered were the vision concerns as my eyesight diminished but not completely. I have severe spasms that my whole body reacts too and some of these are violent. It was also detected as well that I had two small cysts imbedded in my hips. Those were deemed to be non threatening; however they would have to be dealt with at a later time if they became an issue.

Anyhow, my concern was finding suitable assistance for myself. After several weeks I found a young woman who was attending the medical college here in the city and she and I connected. I hired her on the spot. Yes there were financial restraints. I received funding to provide that assistance so she could be paid. Her name was Vickie; she was tall, around 6 feet and 160. She was a part time body builder and bouncer at a local club while attending college. Her straight black hair and brown eyes were a nice compliment to her height. We talked a significant amount as to what my expectations were and my needs. She also laid out her schedule and what she hoped to gain from this experience. She started in two weeks. In the mean time I tried my best not to go stir crazy in my apartment. I had to find one that did not have carpet all through it. Seven weeks later I found such a place and I proceeded to set up for my move. I was no longer employed and now on federal disability. To make things nice, I moved and Vickie my new employee became my roommate as she found it easier to get about if she was living near me. I found that nice and handy and I could get about easier.

Life gradually moved forward for me, I found volunteer agencies to work with, I found my physiotherapy sessions a challenge and yet nice and relaxing. Life was not by far easy and yet it was the most relaxed I had been in many years. I had no set schedules, no time limits. The time it took me to get out of bed was almost 20 minutes. Yes those cysts became a severe issue for me and they eventually were operated on and removed. They were benign thank god. I gained a new sense of self esteem and strength. Something I never expected before, I found peace. Peace not with myself but with my surroundings. I became comfortable with males and females a lot more. I found a part time job doing data entry and well I went to school to learn some adapted skills for individuals with physical challenges. Lots of my friends I have now are those I met within groups I joined during the first few years of my ‘chair’ life. I also became more adept in my surrounding, I could move in my chair if I had the strength. My new place had laminate floors and well not fully functioning for me, it would do. Vickie graduated and moved west for employment at a great hospital. I began my independence soon after she left. She was with me for three years. It was fun while it lasted. I gained a lot of new skills. Life on four wheels for me began for me. Was this going to be all roses, no chance in hell? Was there going to be challenges yes there were. Did I want thins, no way. Was I going to adapt, time was going to determine how well that was going to happen. Life was either shaping up or about to become extremely challenging. I can honestly say now looking back at this unique experience of seeing both sides of life, it has been interesting. I became less angry with myself and those around me. I became relaxed, not completely. I still get jittery around men. That is to be expected after what I have gone through. I have undergone several therapies on my legs and arms as well as my back. I shake considerable now as the Illness of MS is getting worse. Life continues on four wheels for me, slow as it is, I am managing.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Note: The final chapter of my synapse of my life will be posted by the end of the week as I am to undergo some major surgery on the 27th. Many blessings to all that have read this true life story of mine.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 14 SCHOOL IS IN......

I am sure that everyone must remember there high school days, especially the first one. I know I will and let me tell you it was a nice one. Although I had so many emotions running through my head. Fear, being one of them. I also had alot of anxiety and stress upon which I was not expecting.

*****
For me, this was nothing I had even anticipated, let alone predicted how my first day would be, let alone how my first week would turn out. I find it very ammusing now as I look back at that all important week and the days that followed. Let me begin by saying that the weeks leading up to that week were interesting. Jenn and I spoke often as well as going shopping for notebooks, pens, etc. Well I also have to say that clothes were the top of the list. You see we were all given dress code guidelines at this public high school. well I being the unsure one as to what would be proper and what was not. I bought mini skirts and tank tops as well as heels. Being brought up on the street were heels and boots were standard, there was no chance I knew what sneakers were let alone anything else they had on that silly list ( I still have that list). The code stated, jeans or skirts , tops with adequate sleeves, sneakers or appropriate footwear, minimal makeup for girls , hair adequately styled etc. In my mind it was a pathetic attempt to make us conform to standards, well me I grew up street wise, so conforming was not on the priority list of topics.

*****
The monday prior to the labour day weekend proved to be interesting. I had the usual orientation and meet and greet etc. I was assigned my locker and given my combination. I wore a very tight skirt which was about 3 inches below my private area. I wore modest makeup and hair was in a long braid. I can tell you I garnered alot of looks, some sneers and alot of comments. I met my principal that morning of orientaion, his name was MR. Badham. He was a very tall and handsome man, well over 6 feet 4 and solid build. Short greying black hair and blue eyes. He was hot. My english and home room teacher , MR. heinrichs was short of a man, about 5 feet 7 and grey hair and brown eyes. I later found out he was one of the original teachers at the schol when it opened in the late 1930's, he was old. My other teachers were introduced to me as well and were predominently female except the prvious I have mentioned. We were lead to gather and sign out of class texts and other general items and sign for our lockers and a agreements etc to the lockers etc as far as defacing them was concerned. That was a immediate suspension if we damaged or defaced the school propery. My home room was on the second floor. My locker fortuneately or unfortuneately however one looks at it was 3 in from the home room door..yuck. I had not much choice as to seating as I found out , so I chose the middle seat front row. I was surrounded by the guys on my right and behind me, the girls were on my left. I could tell this was going to be a very interesting and challenging first year. My main objective was to survive the first day then the week. OH JOY.

When my classes began let me tell you what I wore, I had on a short grey mini and black cross top that showed my belly button and my hair was braided and light makup. My heels were not modest either, 3 inch black spike heels.I walked with authority into the school that morning. I laugh now and have some good type memories about that day when I struted into the school. I had a look of "bitch" and you better not mess with me look. I think all movement and noise ceased at 8 am that morning when I opened the doors from the parking lot. All eyes shifted to me. I ignored everyone and headed to the stairs to my locker. What a trip. I was so scared and nervous that my stomache was flipping about like a tidal wave. I know I never showed it on the outside, inside I was scared shitless. My first call went well then it was home room and then english so I never had to switch classes. I felt somewhat relieved at that. I was constantly getting oggled by the guys and they were not suttle looks either..more like lust. I had seen those looks for a long time working the streets, never bothered me in the least. I thought it was flattering. I have to say I loked damn hot. yes I was arrogant and self assured, but scared. This new environment presented alot of dangers for me. I was constantly aware of being found out and beat up or worse. I was very much shy. I was constantly on guard while in school and to this day I still am to a greater extent.

*****
I find it quite ammusing that durring announcements that durring the following week there would be a event called "frosh week" and the crowning of the frosh king and queen. I already had the queen title sowed up and needed no crown to recognize such. That was going to proove interesting. At the end of the week there was going to be a "freshy dance" and all grade nines had to attend. it was mandatory. I thought yeah right, me go to a dance. I didn't know how to dance in the first place, let alone figure out that the girls had to ask the guys to it. Hmmm kinda idiotic if you ask me. I laughed about it when I finished my day. I had so much homework that first day. I am so glad that I was able to stay with Jenn. You see I only lived a shout 15 minute walk from our place to school. The rest of the week went pretty much like the first day, I dressed in short skirts and tops and heels or boots. On the Friday durring home room I was passed a note by MR. Heinrichs to see the principal. I thought 'great, what now'. So I went. This nifty distracton would take me away from english anyway and I knew I was ahead after the first week. I was given my reading assignment for the semester.."hamlet", a so called clssic, whose standards is this classic.

Upon entering the office I was told to take a seat and the principal would be with me shortly. I just sighed and sat on a old bench. I was called in to Mr. Badham's office and told to take a seat. he looked very stern and authoritarian. In my mind he still looked hot. Come on girls we all had crushes on teachers and principals. Anyhow, he paused before he spoke.

MR. B. " hmmm, you are in violation of the dress code here young lady"

Me " I am wearing which is comfortable to me" was my reply.

MR.B. "It clearly states jeans and or skirts below the knees, as well as sneekers." he was looking directly at my legs while he stated this.

Me " well I am abiding to the rules and I do not own a pair of sneakers, I never have owned a pair in my life and I would not begin to know how they would feel." I uncrossed my long legs and just smiled. I knew I was flirting, did I care ,no way.

He then asked me about my life upon which I explained to him and where I am at right now attending school instead of continuing my lifestyle. I can tell you this he was shocked and dismayed at my bluntness.

After about 90 minutes he dismissed me by requestion that I purchase sneakers and wear jeans as it was going to get colder out. I raised my brow at that and snickered. Cold, whatever, you get used to the weather in short skirts and tops and light jackets in -40 weather and colder with the windchill. ( if anyone has experienced a Canadian winter you know what I am talking about). he gave me a hall pass so I would not be marked late for my next class. I strutted into that class and took my seat. all eyes were on me when I entered. I thought ' I still have control of boys who want to be or try to be like me' not likely..laughing inside at this generalization. The day went much slower than I wanted it to I sat at lunch against the old trees and read and caught up on homework. Everyone was either curious about me or jsut avoided me like I was a disease or something because I kept getting stared at or raped by a set of eyes. I was so glad when I walked home that day.

*****
My dismay came the following week, tuesday after classes. I should mention I did tone my dress abit, I worse skin tight jeans and tank tops with a jean jacket over my top. My navel still showed and I never did wear sneakers. sheesh. always wore heels shows off the legs very nicely. I was placing my texts in the locker and grabiing others to take home wit me, when this guy Vaughn appraoched my locker and said "Hi". I returned the sentiment "Hi". It did not take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was going to ask me. I palyed the game.

Vaughn " My freinds were wondering if you would like to attend a party after the dance this weekend" he had a cockey attitude when he asked maybe nervous as well.

Me " no I do not think so, as I have plans anyway, and I will be leaving about 1 hour into the dance anyways, so that you for asking". Had to be polite , it was a nice gesture.

vaughn " We would really appreciate it if you could party with us after the dance we are going to the valley and party is going to be good." He was starting to annoy me a bit by this persistance.

Me " I do not think so , the offer is nice, so thank you". I knw what they wanted and well it was not going to work, sp I played my bitch card to the max. I went on to tell him " look Vaughn, I do not want to go and even if I did want to you and your "little" freinds could not afford me, oh yeah and your dad's and grand dads either, so the answer is still NO".
The look on his face was priceless. he looked utterly shocked at my statement. I grabbed my books and locked my locker and started for the stair case. He looked so pathetic and still dumbfounded stareing at me and dejected. I on the other hand smiled and left.

Needless to say the following morning in home roomwas a interesting event. You culd hear a pin drop.I knew exactly what they were talking about...ME, god I was getting the hang of this pathetic school yard inmaturity. I for one was not going to paly their silly games. I have been through way to much to play games. Firstly I was way more mature than these kids and secondly I considered myself a adult. My life did not seem so lame now and my confidence grew as did my self esteem. All through the next week up til the dance every time I went by the guys they would shut up. I just laughed. The girls snicckered and some appraoched me and let me know that it was good to put them in line. There were al sorts of rumors floating about. I was a hight class call girl, a prostitute who had a big pimp to protect me. of how dumb they were. Prostitute was correct, pimp not on there lives. I should correct my self herte and say ex prostitute. I gave up that style after I saw and witnessed the horror earlier in these chapters. I jsut shook my head and smiled inwardly.

Do not get me wrong here, I was very much affraid and nervous, sure there were a few bouts of hilarity in that first week. it never diminished the reality I was alone and felt in danger, especially if my secret got out. I had all forged ID when I entered school , so that was also a huge risk I took. I was 19 when I would get all the illegal ID to legal ID. I did go to the dance and did leave soon after to attend my homework. I became a studious individual throughout my highschool years. The rest of that first semester felw by and eventually the rumor mil ceased to exist arround me and I was ignored, I was eccstatic about that. I stated to make some acquaintances and some would eventually be my freinds at a later time in my life. I was still very guarded and very protective of my life and my choices. I was always haunted at night of my abuse at home and my time on the street. I was damaged goods, My slate was written on and there was no way to erase it, no matter how hard I tried. I guess the failures of the system to protect those that needed to be protected. My marks were sufficient at quarter and at end of semester that I had no doubts I was going to somehow make it. All my marks were high 80' and low 90's. Not too shabby for a street smart educated individual. I was told I was a failure and would not ammount too much. I laugh at those dumb comments made by my "father". I guess I had something to prove not to him, to myself. I think at that time I did prove myself right and chose the path I needed to. Jenn was a huge support to me (GOD BLESS HER). In my heart I knew I was not going to fail anymore and chose the path I needed to make it in this world.

*****

The nightmares continued and so did my sessions I enrolled in with the abuse line in the city. I felt it was needed at the request of my doctors and I was placed on a better equalization dose of estrogen and my hormones started to blance out considerably. By the time HS began I was a 34c and comfortable with those on my 5'11 frame. I was still 135 and rail thin, however it suited me. A statuesque body and I was lusted after. experience I gained was a hinderence as well as a benefit for me. I feel I came along way, and still have a long road ahead of me. I owe alot of credit to Jenn. She stuck with me and really never gave up, she genuinely loved and cared for me. I certainly did and we became sisters.
I grew alot and wished I had a childhood to enjoy the things children enjoy growing up, I wish I could turn the clock back, as I look back now, I would not change a thing, except maybe one. I was given to a family that genuinely cared for me and was willing to protect me and love me unconditionally. i guess a life lesson here and one to cherish, not pleasant to say the least but one that will be a lesson. A life was not wasted , but nutured by myself and grew to be appreciated. I will say this over and over again to those I have met and have known. I will value my street smarts education over any book smart eduaction I had, 100 fold, no arguement,enuff said.........

TO BE CONTINUED

*** DEDECATED TO JENN S (APRIL 11TH 1961 TO FEBRURARY 23RD 2000) GOD BLESS YOU JENN,LOVE YOU SISTER OF MINE.

COPYWRITE 2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 15 JENN S

I met Jenn in the fall of 1970, I had just turned 6 then at was at a 4H informational session with my "mother". I had begged her to take me as it was something I knew I was interested. Being raised on the farm, horses were a huge part of that. Jenn,being three years older than I was was nice. She introduced herself to me and my "mother". I knew i could trust her, she just had that sense about her. Jenn was 4'11 then and very lythe, she had long dark brown hair. Her appearance was beautiful. I enrolled in the program that was offered. The forst meeting was the following wednesday at 7 in the town hall.

There were 10 students when all was said and done and all of them I knew. They went to the same country school and some were in my classes. Jenn took me under her wing as their were 5 intructors so that meant 2 students per intructor. I thought very cool. I was very shy and it showed in my demeanor. I was also a studious individual that was eager to learn and Jenn was that eager to teach us. I had always fancied horses . they are graceful and very peaceful animals. They seem to know the person with how that person interacts with them. This became my strongest trait with working with horses.

We were taught all sorts of trades and encompassing each of those in our lives. The training for specific traits began in a indoor arena thee weeks later. We were all given horses to work with. we had to know them and let them know us. I was very gentle and I beleive Jenn Knew that I had a special gift working with them. Jenn, taught me all about barrel racing, the techniques the skill and strategy. I excelled at that over the course of the years with my involvement with 4H.

Jenn lived about 4 miles from where I lived. I eventually confided in her of the goings on in my household. She was shocked and dismayed at the level of what I told her. She assured me that I could talk to her when ever I needed that. Beleive me I did call upon her for comforting. I was just finishing up my grade 7 year when I was told that Jenn was moving into the city.I was sad. I was also glad that she was going to go to the city and be somebody there and get away from the country lifestyle.

I had maintained a letter correspondence with her while she was in the city and attending school. we grew close like sisters. She knew of my issues with my partents and my forced situation with crossdressing and sexual intercourse with my "father" and eventuality with my "brother". She was sickened. When I left home that early morning in May. she was the first to come to my aid and care. I would have wished that I could have gone with her when she did. I contacted her and many conversations we had, was a blessing and I miss her to this day.

I can only describe Jenn in a few ways. Kind, considerate, my sister, my freind, my source for some strength. Her spirit was and still exists today in me. Her support and love guided me to where I sit today with myself. Spiritually I grew knowing this kind and gentle soul. Her ability to let me find myself was a great help to me. It allowed me to grow, mature. Sure you say, I was not mature in a the broadest sense, however in other ways I was more mature than most kids my age and even some adults. At times I wondered if I was more mature than Jenn was when I came back into her life after my experience with seeing death. She never said it tho, I jst wonder if she thought it. I never asked her nor proded her of what she thought of me. She gave me respect, love that only sisters can show sisters.

I stayed in contact with her long after I graduated from high school. She had moved east to attend a prestigeous college and began her career in teaching there. It was the saddest news any one could ever hear when I knew of her death. I was shocked to the core. Here my best freind, sister, confidant, my strength for going on had passed away. I never knew that she alone had some severe health concerns after she moved east. She developed breast Cancer and it took her slowly. I found out with contacting her mom long after the funeral that I did attend and believe me I cried all through it. Today when I travel to the place where she is laid to rest I lay roses at her stone. I pray that that she would come back to me. I know she cannot physically, however her spirit lives in me with everything I do now and will continue to do. Her gentle soul, her spirit, her life, her freindship, her companionship, her love, her protection when I need it most, she was there. She was more like my mother and I respected her and loved it. She was more my parent than my actual "parents" were. Jenn gave me so much and I in turn now can give back.

I love you Jenn, God Bless you, My spirit carries on through your gift.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Copywrite 2008 Prairie_girl_64

comments greatly appreciated. Points to improve on welcome.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 29

THE TRIAL EPISODE 2

 ©2008 prairie_girl_64

NOTE: This is a painful account of the events of the trial I endured after the severe beating and rape. This is represents some of the thoughts and feelings I had during those times in my life. It is somewhat graphic as some of the evidence presented is disturbing and fairly gross. I caution the reader. This chapter or episode is a long one.. I apologize in advance for it’s length.

Day 46:

I endured a lot of trauma during the last few days of the trial and well I have to say I was not overly impressed by the attitudes neither of the defence attorney nor of Jason’s testimony. I felt betrayed as well as extremely hurt. His utter denial that he knew me upset me the most. Angela and I met prior to the day’s proceedings and well she was quite annoyed with Jason’s council. She warmed me it could get nasty; well she was right on the money.

Mr McVeigh entered into evidence letters I had wrote to Jason outlining my involvement with Jason. He also introduced very private conversations that the two of us had. I cringed as these were entered.

During Jason’s testimony, he was quoted as saying “Mellissa blatantly lied to me by saying she was a total female and not a male”. Jason then went to on to state about his conversations that he had and the intimacy we had and that what led up to that night in question was that I deserved it and that I was asking for it. I was absolutely flabbergasted and getting pissed off royally. Jason told the court that he obtained the information from me while he taped the conversations and had a mini cassette recorder in hi jacket when we went for coffee. I got really pissed and I jumped up and stated quite loudly “YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLE, HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME” The Judge admonished me and Angela quite severely. I cried privacy rights quietly to her and she just shrugged silently. And wrote, we will deal with that when you are on the stand.

Mr McVeigh introduced all the taped conversations we had had. And then he pointed to the night in question. Jason was quite arrogant and stated that yes he went out to drink with a few of his work buddies and he also stated that he was not really sure why we were going to dinner. I jumped up a second time and shouted “YOU CERTAINLY KNEW YOU PRICK”. Again I was admonished. Fuck I hated this inquisition. Jason so smug and cocky just smiled and looked at me as if to say ‘I have you now and I am going to get off’. I thought to myself, ‘not a hope in hell asshole’.

Angela literally had to try and keep me under control. It was hard. After several gruelling hours of listening to Jason’s cocky account of my life which were not pleasant court was dismissed for the day. I have to mention here that All my dirty little secrets were dredged up with my home life and in gruesome detail. Those details also included my trips to the hospital and suicide attempts. Mr McVeigh exploited them to no end while Jason was on the stand and in some quite detail as I told them all to Jason. I went into that with a ‘no secrets’ attitude with him. And he bloody well knew what my life was and he exploited it to know end. I vowed to get my revenge. Jason was a slime ball and he proved it in the last few hours.

I was not present for a lot of his testimony due to my injuries and my phenomena I had had. I can only imagine what went on during those times I was not there. I can say that after it was over and done with and many years after obtaining the documents under the information act and my own journals of the trial I am still appalled. I think of this as a rehash of all the abuse and then some. I was raked over the coals further by that asshole. I know that Jason’s account was bullshit. I knew the truth. I was also aware that he deceived me and lied to me as well in fact worse than I had originally thought. Jason was on the stand for 11 days and yes Angela did cross examine him and yes McVeigh crossed again to verify things. I would get my chance the following afternoon. I vowed to get my revenge on that prick and the way I chose to do that would be nice. The photo’s of my rape and beating were introduced and shown to the judge and the jury. Angela said to me later that there were grimaces and shock at the damage to me.

Day 47:

That morning seemed to pass quickly. Melanie was called to the stand and asked questions by Angela. Melanie recounted the night in question. “After a afternoon of chat and coffee with Mellissa, I watched her get dressed and talked about her night with Jason. I could tell that the two of them seemed to be infatuated with each other.” “I knew that they had spent a lot of time and were looking forward to this night on the town.” “She looked nice (Mellissa), she wore a very nice black dress and heels and her hair was done up in a really pretty way.” “Long red hair that she has complimented the dress.” Melanie continued on. “I heard shouting close to 830 I think and then I heard a crash, I went upstairs and I saw that Mellissa had fallen against the table. Jason was on top of her and was punching her in the face and chest. Her dress had a huge tear near her breasts.” “I had my portable phone with me and I called 911 and told the operator of a domestic disturbance was in place above my place.” “I was told that a ambulance was on its way, I was told to stay on the line. I then saw Jason literally kick Mellissa in the rib cage and then the groin area at least a dozen times.” “The brutality of those kicks was unreal; I knew that there must be a fuelled rage there. I was scared for her and I also knew that I could make it worse for her and even myself if I got involved.” “Those kicks and punches were brutal and absolutely violent, she tried to cover herself up and they were doing no good to protect her.” I was cringing as the account was being told and I was also crying. This was the first time I had heard of the account of my beating. Melanie continued on with her testimony: “She was literally a bloody mess at this point, her dress was a shambles and her hair was a mess and bloody. She was literally covered in her own blood and next thing I knew Jason picked her up and slammed her through her kitchen wall. I heard bones crunch and snap. That happened all to quick, maybe 4 minutes had passed. There was still no sign of the EMS people or the cops. She lay in a crumpled heap on the floor and then all of a sudden Jason tore her panties and dress right off her and penetrated her violently and left a lot of blood while doing that. He then smirked and punched her more and gave a few extra kicks and then stood up and well he grinned at her and spit at her and walked past me in a stumble and a stagger and then said “HOPE THE BITCH IS DEAD, SHE DEVERVES TO DIE”. I was shocked and then I heard the sirens approach and then they were here, I told them where she was and I told them I was going to follow and see where he was going. I followed him back to the bar where he was at and called the cops on the payphone near the parking lot. I was so worried about Mellissa, I was shaking when the cops arrived and told me to calm down. I was so angry and crying. I wanted to know where Mellissa was and if they knew what was going on. I think I gave the cops that were trying to calm me down a severe case of the jitters.” “All I wanted to know was how she was doing, and what I saw and what that idiot did to her and I hoped and prayed that she was not dead. I also wanted to know what hospital she was at. The cop was frustrated I think, I kept talking a mile a minute.” “After I found out what hospital she went too, I was going to leave and I was detained and gave my statement. The cops brought Jason out of the Bar, and apparently he had slugged a patron and the bar tender and then the fight moved to the parking lot. He got into it with the cops and well that lasted about 5 seconds as they took him down and cuffed him.” “I so wanted to punch him and kick the crap out of him” The judge warned Melanie to keep her opinions to herself. Melanie then continued; “ I was so desperate to find out how she was doing, I wanted to go and see her, I had to call people, my boyfriend included and to get back to my apartment and lock up and let him know where I was. I was frantic, I was also angry. I had so many things to do, I needed to get there and get things done.”

I was grateful to what Melanie did for me. I did not know here that well and I still consider her a friend to this day, she saved me from dieing. Just like Jenn, Melanie was my savoir. I cried and wept in court as this was being stated. I was also shaking. I glanced to Jason and he smirked and smiled. What a fuck up, what a asshole. He needed to have what happened to me happen to him and in a big way. Bubba would have a field day with his ass. I was so pissed off at what that son of a bitch Jason did to me, I was seething. I still have nightmares to this day of what he did.

Melanie continued on with her description of what Jason did to me and then McVeigh cross examined her and she repeated everything verbatim and added a few additional details of what she could se to what Jason did to my body as for injuries. Melanie knew that I definitely had broken ribs and legs as well as a broken up face and my eyes had swelled shut. She also stated that she wished she had stayed with me, however she needed to follow Jason and call the cops and make sure he was going to pay for what he did to me. Like Jenn, Melanie was a godsend. I cannot thank her enough for what she did that day to save my life and those whom may have been out for the evening driving or walking. As I mentioned he still haunts my nights as do my nightmares of what my “father” and “brother” did to me so long ago. I still shudder with those feelings and I know that they will never go away. Well maybe they will when I am buried. In a lot of ways I wish I had died that night. I cannot help the way I feel though; up til now my life has been shit. I wonder to this point if it will get better or if it will get worse. I guess only time will tell.

The cross of Melanie and those other witnesses at the bar and the cops would occupy the remainder of the next two days, I so much wanted to be on the stand that afternoon, however, lawyer stalling and a recess delayed that opportunity for me. I would however get my chance on the stand. I was both scared and excited for this and hopefully put that asshole to rest at least as far as the court was to be. Jason’s judgement in my eyes was only a few weeks away. And I hoped a life sentence for his crimes against me. I can only hope. I fully did not believe in the power of prayer. Looking back on it , there was a bit of prayer that day and the following days. I wished I did not have to relive it over again, I knew I would have to and the subsequent cross examination of McVeigh. I would need al the strength I would need to get through this. As battered and bruised as I was, I hoped I was going to make it.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Comments appreciated and points to improve on welcomed.

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT

PART 30 EPISODE 3

 ©2008 PRAIRIE_GIRL_64

NOTE: This chapter is very disturbing to me and it may to be the reader as most of my life is being dredged up in somewhat detail and some of it very graphic. Caution is advised.

The new day approached with a sense of dread as I entered the courtroom. The bleak day outside did not brighten my mood. This day I knew for some reason was going to be hell on earth. I wondered if I would be able to make it. I was very uncertain as I entered the ornate oak doors to court room 15. The courtroom seemed endless as I entered there were a lot of people already present. This added more anxiety and dread as I walked. That feeling one gets when you are on death row and walking that “green mile”. I was nervous and scared. There was no other way to describe how I felt. I noticed Angela sitting going over her notes at the table and Mr McVeigh at his doing the same exact thing. There was a hush over the room as I took my steps towards the table. I sat and let a soft sigh out. After yesterday’s revelation and graphic details of my assault and rape by Melanie, it had a strong effect on me. I think it also brought home to Angela and those in the court room that day the harsh reality of the abuse that Jason inflicted upon me in that short span of time. Also the brutality of that action.

The quiet was deafening. Then as if on que the court became silent as the bailiff called the court in session. Enter the impressively suave Judge Williams; he took his usual seat up on high. And slanted down his bifocals and called the court in session. He asked Mr McVeigh if he would like to make a statement upon which Mr McVeigh denied. The he asked Angela if she wished to as well and she gratefully acknowledged with a firm “yes your honour”. She casually mentioned that “I would like to call to the stand Mellissa N”. I stood and walked with a slow gait to the witness stand. (I have to mention here that Jason was not in the court room this day. He was scheduled for a psyche evaluation.) After I was sworn in, Angela began her questioning.

A: “Mellissa, can you please tell us abit about your life and about your eventual association with Jason?”

Me: “My home life was hell, I was adopted at 4 and my life of torture began shortly there after, I was abused and raped repeatedly by my dad nightly and whipped by either a belt or a bridle. I was sometimes whipped with a cinch off the saddle. Or even the reigns. I was often too bloody or passed out after the beatings. I was sent to school and not to tell a soul about what went on at home. I guess my earliest memories were when I was 6 when I was literally dragged from the house by my hair and back of my shirt yelling and screaming to the barn and hung on the hooks there and whipped til I could not stand it and then released. I woke up and then I was told I had 30 minutes to crawl to the house and if I did not make it then oh well sissy you never got to make it and would be locked in the barn all night. Needless to say I never made it to the house. These events continued daily and nightly as well. I was also given female hormones as well and told that I was to be a girl if I wanted to dress like one , then I was to be treated like on.” “I was told by my “father” that I had to follow his rules or pay the price. I can say I paid that price a lot. I also paid the penalty by not having a loving and supportive “mother”, she ignored the situation and refused to admit to me or help me against my “father”. I endured there abuse til my idiotic brother arrived a few years later. As I grew up, they doted on him and I became the slave and the ignored child.” I started to weep. I continued on with saying; “the attention of my “brother” continued til I left at 15. My “brother” and my “father” continued to abuse me at night, with repeated rapes and abuse and they got a thrill from it. I continued to feminize with my breasts growing and my skin get soft. I was not stupid to realize what was happening to my body. I just let it happen, because I knew if I fought it, it would get worse.”

A: “Are you alright Mellissa?” Angela asked me. I replied that I had to get this off my chest so I continued.

Me: “The holidays were the worse for me I was never allowed to participate with family and never received presents nor cake and dinner. The rest of the family celebrated. It became too much for me that over the course of years I attempted suicide and almost succeeded on a few of those occasions. I only wished I had not lived. I wished for my life to end. I wished that I had loving parents. I wondered why I was so different and why I could not have a family. I wanted to die. I ended up in a psyche ward for many months and just left there. I was told I was crazy and yet my “parents” lied to the staff and the doctors that I was mentally unstable. How could they. I thought they loved me. I know now that they did not. My “father” continued to abuse me nightly sometimes three or four times. I was told to dress like there maid and a girl at home. I was humiliated and they enjoyed it. I wanted to die so much. There was a time where I took my “father’s” shotgun off the rack and tried to blow my head off. That failed. I considered myself a failure. I was out of options, I had no support, I failed. I wish I was never born. I wished I was dead.” I guess that now that I look back, I made a choice, however what kind of choice did I make really? A life of continued abuse over the years after I left home.”

I was able to get to the stand by using crutches.

I continued by telling them more of the abuse. “There were times where I was beaten for the sure enjoyment of them. I was also raped the same ways. I had to perform oral sex and then have them fuck me up the ass and then get me to clean them off with my mouth. If I did not, I was whipped by a strap or punched in the stomach. I was repeatedly abused and raped. How much should a person deserve? None as I look back now. However then, it was a daily and nightly occurrence and my “mother” ignored my cries for help.” “Eventually I decided to leave after 9 years of rape and beatings. What Jason did to me, was minor to what my bastard folks did to me over the nine years of hell I lived at home.” “I wish that Jason had killed me then, so I would not have to endure this torture session in court and bare my soul to all here.” “This is so unfair, to me that I cannot take this anymore.”

A; “Your honour I request a recess so that my client can compose herself.”

Judge Williams: “court is in recess for 1 hour, court adjourned” he left the bench and disappeared.

I was so shaky that I had to have some assistance when I left the stand. I looked at McVeigh and he was visibly shaken. I bared my soul and I was not even on the stand 50 minutes. The jury looked stunned as Angela later told me after I gained some sort of composure. I had to try at least maintaining some sort of assemblance with myself and not cracking. I knew that was going to be very hard to do. As I re-entered the courtroom to resume my testimony of my life to that point and to my relationship with Jason and those I tried to surround myself with. I became faint and I was not exactly sure if I could carry on. I tried as might to will any strength towards that goal. Goodness sake I needed something in order to do that. The pressure was extreme as I had just bared my soul to the court and to those that never met me. I wondered what they were thinking. That I wish I knew and I guess never would. I sat quietly with Angela til the court resumed. Then it happened, Judge Williams returned and the court was again in session. I again took the stand.

A: “Are you willing to proceed Mellissa?” Angela asked me.

Me: “yes I think so” I whispered my reply barely audible.

A: “Can you please continue where you left off if you can, there is no pressures here at all and please let us know if you need a second to compose yourself.”

Me: “I will, thanks Angela and your Honour.” I began; “After putting up with 9 years of solid abuse by being raped and beaten, I decided to leave, it was after my 15th birthday. I had just been repeatedly raped by my “father” and “brother”. That was my 15th birthday present. Some present. I was so angry and annoyed not with them but myself. I wanted to kill myself or leave. Those were my options. It was about 2 am I think. So I made sure I had a few items of clothes with me. I also had what I chose to wear, which was not a lot. I opened the window and tossed my knapsack out and then I waited to hear any noise that I may have caused them to awaken. I knew if there had been noise I would surely die right then and there. Noting that they never woke up I jumped about 6 feet or so maybe more to the ground and gathered my knapsack and made for the trees and then I waited to see if any lights came on in the house. Noting that there were none, I set out for the highway. About 8 miles or so away. It took me a long time to get to the highway and I started hitchhiking towards the city. A while later a trucker picked me up and brought me to the city. I was left near a phone and I called my friend Jenn. I knew Jenn from 4H, I considered her my friend and confidant. I told her everything when she picked me up. I stayed at her place and after some harrowing nightmares and troubles and being scared I left. I traveled and survived on the streets. Some violent and some not so. I stayed doing what I knew best and became a prostitute and survived as best I could. I was on the road for over a year and half and decided enough was enough after I saw street friends gunned down. I came back to Jenn and we spent a lot of time talking and she introduced me to her friends, one of which was Jason. He knew from the start, who I was as I told him from the get go. I never held anything back.” “I then reacquainted myself with him a while later and we started dating. I never expected what happened to me. I never knew he would be capable of that violence. I guess maybe it was too good to be true, that there was a guy that was interested in treating me with respect and not exploiting me. I was so fucking wrong on all accounts.” I sighed and tears started down my cheeks in a steady stream. I then said “I wish he would have killed me that night in October, because I cannot deal with this anymore today.” “Your honour, can I stop please this hurts way too much?”

Judge: “Can you continue with a bit more? If you can we will wait til you are ready if you wish we can stop.”

I answered “I guess I can go on, there is not much left to tell.” I was given tissues and whipped them away.

When Jason and I decided to go for supper, we had dated since April. I was excited to go out on the town with him. I had my nails done hair done, the works and I was ready. I asked Melanie to pop up for coffee so we could chat. She left and then the last thing I remember is in the hospital. My body is so fucked up, that I know I will never be able to recognize myself anymore.” “Jason had no right to do what he did, what gave him that right, he is just like my Asshole “father” and ‘brother” and they get away with this shit. I am sorry your honour, this just fucking sucks like shit here, here he is supposed to be on trial and I feel like I am on the gallows here. Fuck I am pissed” At that point I lost it and passed out.

When I woke I was back in the hospital. I had an IV tube in my arm and I was hooked up to a heart monitor. I was disorientated and very confused. I began crying. I wondered if I might be dead. Then the thoughts struck me, no if I was dead, I would not have a stupid IV in my arm. Fuck, why does this have to continue? If there was any justice, please let me die. I was later told that when I fell I went right off the stand and hit my body hard on the marble floor and I hit my head on the railings that surrounded the walls of the courtroom. Backwards I was told. Oh well I wish it was harder and I died. Fuck I hate life now and why me. Fuck that prick Jason. That asshole gets to be away while I have to tried and almost felt like I was convicted of a crime…being a victim is the crime and everyone found me guilty….fuck. I hate life now.

Angela stopped by and told me that it was going to be okay. She said that things would work out and that Jason’s lawyer would be only asking some specifics about the night in question with Jason in the court room. I was not to be on the stand til the following week. She was going to get a continuance til I was ready to go back. I thank her. She mentioned to me that she was sorry for putting me on the stand for that long and the trauma would be too great and she wished she could take it back and not have me on the stand. I told her not your fault. I managed, not well, but managed. She said to me, the McVeigh was so stunned that he had a few tears when he left the court that afternoon. The jury was shocked and utterly befuddled over my testimony. She could not read them at all. I just nodded and she left as I fell asleep.

I guess hell is what I have to relive. I wondered how it was going to turn out. I wondered why it was all worth it. I wondered why and if that asshole would get what he deserved. I wondered if my life was actually worth it to go on. I cried for days over that. I ended up 4 days later back at rehab to continue my physical therapy. I would sure know in 4 days what that asshole McVeigh had to say to me and the interrogation I was going to put under with that fucking asshole prick Jason sitting smug faced beside him. Time was not on my side, nor my thoughts and feelings of dread………..

TO BE CONTINUED

TRAGEDY OF THE SPIRIT PART 35

OLD LIFE TO NEW EXISTANCE

 © 2008 prairie_girl_64

NOTE: This final part of a long and gruelling chapter of my life. I will continue when I find the time after my surgery in a weeks time. God Bless everyone who have read this story. I am very appreciative of this opportunity. Thank You.

One might look back and say ‘What have I truly accomplished in my life?’ I can say with honesty, a lot. Looking back over the last 44 years of my menial existence on this planet we call earth, I am drawn into thinking, ‘What have I truly accomplished with my life?’. I have I suppose accomplished a lot. For one thing I had succeeded in dealing with years of abuse from my ‘Family’, almost two years of abuse while living on the streets, failed relationships with idiots. I survived a harrowing assault and rape that almost killed me. I have spent time in institutions due to failed suicide attempts. The time I went through a nasty trial, the heartache of continued PTSD. The angst and fear of relationships, my fears of My Illness MS and my Seizures. I have dealt with these issues with not so much finesse, nor style. What can I say about my life; up til this point in time, it SUCKED. I am honest about that. I suppose it begs to answer that question. What did I accomplish? My answer is one word. A LOT. I cannot answer it any other way than that. I am a survivor to an extent. I have demons that will carry me through til I am in the ground. My strength comes from what I knew on the streets when I was 15, I grew up so quickly. I never knew what a child did, I was never a child. I was never able to enjoy the childish games we all should enjoy at young ages. I was kept as a slave and a prostitute. I survived that shit. I became resilient to everything. My trust and faith was lost. My hopes were dashed by my ‘parents’. My aspirations diminished greatly with what they did to me. I became human when I left home. I had a true friend and sister in JENN. Her strength and compassion and support got me through a lot. What can I add to this about my past? It is just that, my past, it is a reminder of what was, what happened, a synopsis of time and a reminder to me of how shit can pile up and not get cleaned up off the shovel. I am a lonely cog in the wheel of life. Life will go on for me. From here on out I have no idea where it will lead.

In 1996 I had a successful surgery to complete the job that my ‘parents’ and ‘Jason’ had done to me. My greatest achievement. To be whole, that was nice to undergo.

In 2004, I wrote an impressive report on access and transportation. I have now become a published author. I also started on my autobiography that summer. I have 38 years of journals to wade through. These are not easy to digest even now. A lot of painful memories and tears have been shed. I have only made a small dent into them. What I have accomplished with going through most is what I present here. This is only a small account of things.

In 2006, after I had been in a wheelchair for almost 10 years, I was invited to attend a revival at the request of a woman whom lived in the accessible building I now reside in. Theresa was singing that sunny Sunday morning in August. The church was full, the music was inspiring. I have never heard such melodies before. I got to wonder if this was not my new path in my life. I began to wonder if all this time I was alone, with no guardian angels looking after me that this was where I needed to belong. You have to realize I had not stepped/wheeled into a church since I was 14 that was the last time I entered a place of worship. This was a wonderful experience for me. This was where I needed to be and belong. After all was done, I was introduced to several members of the church and the two pastors. Belinda and Darryl. They welcomed me to the church with open arms. I have attended Sundays for almost two years now and I was officially baptised on September 9, 2007. A huge accomplishment for me. Something I never would have pictured 30 years previous. I still attend to this day. I have shared my story with the church on several occasions. What lies for me next? I have no clue, it is not up to me, and well I guess it is. I will make do with what I can daily and take that as it is.

I look forward to what lies ahead for me, not with any anticipation mind you. I keep saying to all those I meet, I will “Rely on my street smarts education more than I will on my book smarts, any day of the week’ that is what I think and now know has gotten me to this point in my life. I guess you have to ask yourself the question as I have done many times in the last few years. Was this a Tragedy of the Spirit? Yes it was, was anything accomplished from this? Yes there was, I am still here. I have made my life out of that tragedy. My friend at church put this on me. “I am a phoenix, whom rose from the ashes to become an inspiration.” I guess I never really thought of things in that context. She drew me a large phoenix wall hanging that I have now above my bed above my cross. I am forever grateful to Nikki for that. My life was truly a tragedy; I now believe that there was a purpose. I came out of that hell and into a life I can believe as hope. I look forward to my remaining days where there will not be so much tragedy, but bliss.

THE END (FOR NOW)

Tragedy Of The Spirit-Erratta Special What Life Has Become
Mellisa (prairie_girl_64)  © 2008
Edited by Stanman63
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I lay here in my posh hospital bed,(that is if you wish to call a hospital bed posh and beautiful), I have to reflect on what life has become for me. So far as I am able to, I lay here and reflect on a lot as I lay here wondering about certain things.

It is simply amazing to me that one seems to reflect on life when we cannot move while in the hospital. For me, because I need supports to move about with range of motion 3 times a day, I have WAY TOO MUCH TIME on my hands.

God, it is hard to get comfortable let alone think without going through pain. Sure one might think that being restricted in hospital that I would have nothing to do. Now, while that may be true to a certain degree, I do have my laptop computer with me so I can continue to write in my journal,and I have books and magazines as well.

I do pop on to B.C.T.S. whenever I can, I miss it and not being able to contribute my story hurts me. I have finished the last ones and will post as soon as I can. I have known for a quite while now, whether it be through being my being stubborn and loneliness that I now feel that I know my life as I know it is pretty much over. My impending surgery is now but a few days away and I feel that it will be long and painful recovery for me.

Unfortunately, I have a sinking feeling that I will not make it to post op care. I've had these feelings in me for a long time. You see, ever since I was a kid growing up, I have I felt so worthless and weak that I just wanted to give up. I know that it is the end for me, or at least it is in my dreams I have at night. It is a lonely time for me as I never do get any visitors, outside of nurses and doctors that is, sigh. And those that I do know are always too busy or too far away to visit me. But I guess it is par for the course as you read and
watched my story " A Tragedy Of The Spirit" unfold on B.C.T.S.

The lonely feeling I possess is something I that have never really visited since I was like 6 years old. But now, that feeling has returned with a sudden vengeance. And now I wish that my life was worth more than just continual pain and anguish.

As I reflect on that question I posed earlier: What Life has Become?, I guess it has become what I made it. Sure I suffered a lot of abuse, rape, degradation, and humiliation. I could have easily chose to quit and I wished at times throughout my life that I had. I guess I have became a survivor of sorts. I have relied on my street smarts to get me through life.

I have felt a failure on many a times, and I have have felt successful as well. I have never truly become happy. Oh sure, one says that being happy is the greatest feeling one can experience, But now I ask you what happiness have I garnered here in my life. I am hurt, I am very angry, and I am not truly happy.

Oh sure, I have endured some elation in the accomplishments I have completed: high school, university, successful legit jobs were truly an elation for me. But unfortunately, I never was able to obtain true happiness.

You see, I've never had any successful relationships,with men, mind you that is par for the course as I detested men and there was absolutely no trust in a system either. Yes, I hold hate and anger towards a system that is full of hypocrits. I can and never was able to trust males, I used them for sex and sex only while I degraded my body to survive.

What has my Life become, now it is laying here while I await what is next,I look out at the blowing wind as it shakes the leaves on the poplar trees that are out front of the hospital, I wish I was outside. I wish that I was back doing the things I have been able to do, I have not had a visitor since I entered hospital. I guess that is my fault as I have listed it on my records that no visitors to visit. I am so stupid, so I guess, my own fate is due to my own idiocy. I sure have a lot of time to rest and contemplate.

I have placed a lot of Faith in God while I am here, I read the Bible when I can, and have even had long talks with the nurses about things. Of course they can only listen as I bet their lives are so much better than mine. They have normal lives; they have families and kids, God I wish I had that love!!! But I have had to learn to love me, and I think over the years I have done so, however I still feel that life has eluded me in some regards with true love.

What has my life become with out all the things that others so richly enjoy:freedom, independence, and yes a lot of jealousy. Jealousy over what though? I am happy for the most part, sure I hate life for the most part, being ripped off with having parents and a family, I have had my friends, one in particular, JENN who was my rock when I needed her and then some. I loved her as my sister and I guess she was my street family, my family was a separate entity altogether, a different culture.

Life for me has become a series of ups and downs and more heartache rather than joy and happiness. I have made it what it has, I have made my life hell for me. I have not made life easy. I make no apologies nor justification as to whom I am or was before now.

My life, such as it is, has become my own, to suffer and enjoy that suffering on my own. My autobiography, “Tragedy of the Spirit” is my life in a nutshell, I wish that I would be able to be finished with it, but I feel that I wont get the opportunity to finish the rest of it as it sits waiting at the publisher to be edited and printed. I have to make the final approval of everything, I hope I can get that done. I feel deep down inside I won’t. It will hopefully inspire others to survive.

What life has become, only my next life will determine what that will be for me as I await that to come. I definitely wish it to be better than the one I have had so far. I lay here contemplating what is to come next and I wrote my poem that I will post on B.C.T.S. I know I am done.

I know as those that read this, that you will probably think I am crazy, that I went off the deep end. I can assure you that I have not. Yes, I am ranting, I am angry as to why I keep getting the shit end of the stick, I am asking for my fricken lifetime P.H.D. I damn well deserve it by now. I am all ready there mentally. I may be suffering from a bit of depression right now, however that is my life, I have bouts of this and have had all through my life.

What my life has become: it has taught me that life is not all roses, life is what you make it, life is full of shit and you try and dig out from under it. There are some that get out of it sooner than others, I was given a bad shake and made the best of it. With shovel in hand I will never dig out completely. What life has been: heartache, pain, anguish and anger, with a pinch of happiness thrown in for good measure.

I sure as hell hope that when I am standing in front of God, That he says I was a child of His and that my life was not a waste. I can only hope that is what he says. Or at least I dream He says it too me.
__________________________________________________________________________
It is a real rant from someone whom is obviously in some distress over the situation. Now let me ask you, do you think it might be a wonderful idea for me to post something of my own reflection and memories of Melissa? I am not sure I can, I would be interested in your feedback.
Melanie

Tragedy Of The Spirit- The Letter  © 2008 prairie_girl_64

I ran across this letter in the file folder marked “not usable”. I was kind of curious so I read it and read this again. I will not give it away however it is a very touching letter from a son to his mom on how he feels about being a boy trapped in his body and not being able to
reach his potential as a girl he feels inside. However there is a note attached as I read this further and found that if found this can be used. I would imagine it would be a letter written to Mellisa’s mom after the fact. There is a twist. A scary one at that as an all too real reality.
Melanie Dixon~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 9th 1979

To Mom,
I am writing this letter to inform you that I am not happy being whom I am. I have to tell you that I should be a girl. I feel awful. I am scared to tell you. I feel dejected and hurt when you ignore my pleas. For the longest time I have felt different. I never get involved with sports;
never participate in anything remote to cars and machines. The only interest I have is reading and horses.

I am skinny and underdeveloped as a boy. I feel as though I am a girl inside and I cannot tell you how I feel cause of the reaction that you will have. I can not tell you cause you will tell dad and well he will beat me again, like he has dozens of times and all you do is ignore it. I never have friends that I can invite over for fear of rejection and embarrassment. I hurt mother. Something that you will never experience. I detest my body. I hate it. I want to hurt myself so bad. I have thoughts and dreams of dying and I feel that you would ignore that as well.

I have tried on your clothes and loved it. I have dreamed that we could be mom and daughter. Of course for me that is wishful thinking. I feel you hate me. You detest my existence. Your detest my presence in your company that is why you send me away each night so I am away from you and dad. I hate my younger brother; he is a thorn in my side since he was born. You shower him with love and ignore me.

Dad hates me so much that he beats me and rapes me and yet you ignore it. Why? Why do you hate me so much? What have I done too allow you to hate me so? I am only 15 years old. I am so disgusted with life that you will not allow me to be whom I should be. I hate you, Hate this life I have. I hate the repeated beatings, the rapes and the assaults. I hate you for hating me.

Those times when I thought you loved me, which was an act I guess. You never loved me. You never wanted me so why did you take me in. You shower my asshole brother with attention and love and despise me. What gives there? Why do you hate me so? I guess you will come to your senses sometime when I am gone.

Yes, Mother I am going to kill myself. Then and only then maybe you will stop to think of what you have done to me. You rejected me, you hate me now. I am going to leave so you can think of what you caused me as far as pain and hurt. I should have been a girl or never born. I hate this life. I hate that fact I cannot be who I need to be. You never talk to me. You talk down or ignore me. Why Mother, why?

I want to wear dresses and skirts and tops and date. I want everything a girl wants and yet I cannot nor will I ever get that. I want to be your daughter. Your little girl. Your baby, instead of that ass of a brother. I was first and I should always be first. I do not want to be a prince I want to be a princess. I want to be me.

Goodbye mother, tell that miserable asshole dad and brother to go to hell. I am going to kill myself now so bye.
Ban………g

Tragedy of the Spirit
 
 ©2008 prairie_girl_64
 
 
A life I once knew... now at an end

 
 
 
Dear Readers, I located this final piece in Mellissa’s journal on her laptop. I speculate as I read this, that she knew her time was up and that the lord called her home. As I read this it is a brief reminder of what her life was like and what she went through, it shall be a testament to her. She wanted to post this however; she was unable to do so. I will post this for her and in hopes that her brief time on Big Closet will have been a meaning one. I wish to thank those on Big Closet for her, as she wrote with passion and conviction of her life story. She shall be missed. This is dedicated to all those who suffered from pain and abuse and have found a way to get through life with strength and dignity. Thank You.

Melanie Dixon, June 14th 2008
 
 
 

I was brought to bare a heavy burden to those I thought I knew.

I was wronged by all those I thought I could trust.

I was poisoned by the one I thought I loved.

I was beaten and battered, like no other should.

I have felt the pain of rape, which I thought I could never escape.

I found the desire to live and try as I sat and cried.

I found life hard to live and wanted to die.

I knew I was not strong, but kind, I was punished.

I gained strength once I left; I knew it would not last.

I gained life experience, and more pain.

I battled through at my bodies cost.

My Spirit broken and Lost.

My strength at an end, I leave you now as I knew.

My Spirit found, hope found, I knew I was going home.

I now love my life, A tragedy now passed.

My hope reigns eternal as I myself pass.

Life is my strength, not weakness, I proved it, and I lost in the end.

A life I once knew and now at an end, I leave you all in peace.

God Bless

 
 
Mellissa N. June 8, 2008
 
Admin's Note:In Memory of Mellissa, all of us at BigCloset TopShelf will forever remember you in both living memory and in your words. Your life, your love, and your work here had meaning and is very much loved. May your soul find its journey in peace and may, one day, in another life, we meet again and pick up where we have left off. For your story never ends...
 
Sephrena Lynn Miller