My story scrolled off the front page today. It is still part of Short Story Month - February 2012,, which ends soon. I did not put a teaser on the story, which means it does not show up there, and when I looked on the Stories it is deeply buried.

This is not a complaint, as I knew it would happen, but basically it is gone, out of sight. For those who did not read it can be found End of the World, as We Knew It.

I got much better reviews than I expected, loads of Kuddos and some good comments. Things like teasers could be made easier (for first time writers), but that is to be expected as part of the learning curve. I am familiar with other formats such as VB Bulletin, but I never really learned HTML, I looked up how to hyperlink as I typed this. I am a fast typist, I have written tech article for 30 years, still run a BBS, and have typed for 40+ years.

It was my first story, but it won't be my last. I still have a lot to learn about this sites layout, and how it works. Basically I suspect I'll do a few stories a year, I have a life big time, so I'm spread thin. I'm not sure where I grew it, but between a job, working with kids as an advisor for a youth group, moderating a popular electronics site, reading here all the time, helping drawing and editing, writing takes a distant back seat. It suits my style anyhow, as stories germinate in the back of my head until they are ready, then come spilling out my fingertips.

I had a second thing on my mind, but rather than lay it out as another blog I'll let it out here.

To those whose stories I have not read yet I apologize. Really! There is a lot of high quality stuff here, and it keeps being released faster than I can read. I will get caught up eventually, but it will probably take a car wreck, so until then I'll just keep muddling through. I promise to comment on every story I enjoy, Angharad taught me that.

Of course I blame Angharad for my current predicament. I am currently at chapter 712, with just under 1,000 chapters left to go on her "Easy as Falling off a Bike Series". I have never seen anything like it in writing, but soaps come close. Since she talked me into leaving comments that really slows things down. :D

But don't stop on my account, as I am both addicted and hooked.

When I was born I did not know who I was,

A life time of pain later I figured me out,

I could not throw the parts I did not like out, as they were part of me,

So I transformed them into something I could endure.

And so I learned to love myself, and be loved by others.

There is joy in life if you let yourself be who you were meant to be.

That is the real choice.

Guardian Angel
By Wendy Jean

Death is not the end. In this case it was a new beginning.

Thanks to Arwen’s Tears and Sarah Goodwoman for your help.

I was standing in front a bright circular entrance of some sort. I was not quite sure how I got here. A pretty lady who seemed familiar gestured me to come inside, so in I went . All at once I snapped out of my daze as I walked to a very young version of my mom.

“Hello dear,” she said with a tight hug That felt incredibly good. Tim, how much do you remember? she asked.

I replied with some confusion. “I don’t know.” An image of my son Kyle and my wife Sarah crying by my bed came to me.

“Mom? You are dead!” I blurted out.

“ So are you dear, she replied. You just died from the flu.”

I understood, but my head was fuzzy. “So now what I asked?”

Mom said, “You get my old job. You watch and try to protect your family. It can be hard but I think you will do well.”

“How?” I asked.

Mom replied, “Just watch over them and help where you can. You will find people who love you are somewhat aware of your presence, and they can hear you subliminally.”

“Dear I am sorry but I must go now.” Mom said, as she faded from view.

I yelled! “No! Don’t Go!”

I heard “I will be back when you need me.”

I looked around, I was in a small room with a large mirror. I didn’t know how I got here. I looked into the mirror at myself I was wearing a white pullover robe of some kind of thin white material. I thought of my wife Sarah. Suddenly I saw her on our bed crying through the mirror.

I started crying too, I wanted to be with her so badly! I found myself sitting next to her. with no sense of movement at all. I was sitting on our bed but not denting it. I tried to hug my grieving wife but she was insubstantial (or was that me?). I did feel a warmth deep inside pass between us even though I could not touch her, I think she felt something as she stopped crying suddenly and walked away. A few minutes later I heard her talking on the phone making funeral arrangements. Our cat, Piwacket was staring at me from the foot of our bed. She started purring loudly This got the attention of Sara and who smiled as she picked Piwacket up for a hug. Normally Pie was picky about being picked up I saw her still staring at me as Sara took comfort from her loud purr.

I thought about Kyle my 10 year old son. I was standing over him as he gently cried in his sleep. I tried to stroke his head and something odd happened. I felt a tug in a direction I could not describe. I followed the pull and found myself facing a very pretty girl whom strongly resembled Kyle in Kyle’s room crying.

Dad she sobbed “Why couldn't I tell you while you were alive! I don’t want to be a pervert but I am a girl inside”. I dropped to my knees and gathered her into my arms in a loving embrace Again I could feel something flowing between us, her body felt very substantial. I said to my to my newly found daughter. “I will always love you. No matter what. You are not a Pervert but your soul does not match your body.” I felt her tears soak through my thin robe.

She said, “Dad, I want to kill myself and be with you. “

This sent a cold chill through my being. “Dear, I will watch over you and Mom always. Your Mom needs you badly please don’t hurt yourself for her sake. So what is your name? “

“I would like Karen” she softly replied.

“It is OK to be different, I said You are as God made you. If you had told me before I died It would not have mattered. I will always love you for who you are. You are part of me. You are are my daughter We will see each other again, I promise. I am watching over you now and forever. Please tell your Mom how you feel, Ask her about Uncle Kenny.” Everything turned gray as I heard Sarah’s voice from a long distance, I found myself standing next to Karen’s bed again.

Mom! I saw Dad, Karen exclaimed. I told him how I was a girl inside.
“I told you before Sarah said, you are not a girl and can never be one.” Aghast I watched my child deflate. I was shocked by Sarah’s callousness. She had known and not told me.

“So Don’t be silly,” Sarah said.

Who is Uncle Kenny? Karen asked.

Sarah turned as white as a sheet and sat down on the bed abruptly. I suspected she almost fainted.

“Your Uncle Ken was my older brother. He died when He was 15” she said, “He told your grandfather he was gay my father beat him down. Ken then did something bad to himself. You aren’t thinking of hurting yourself are you?” Sarah’s voice quavered as she asked this.

Karen looked down at her feet and in a quiet voice replied “yes”.

Sarah got even paler if that was possible. Dad asked me to tell you and he looked like he was scared too. I hugged my wife It went much like before a sense of warmness passed between us, “

“I am so sorry Kyle. I had promised myself I would not be like your grandfather, and I won’t, I will try to help you though this but I don’t know what to do.

Karen hesitantly replied,"Dad asked me not to hurt myself because you need me. “

Sarah gathered our daughter in a tight hug. I could see a golden glow between them “He was absolutely right dear. What else did he say?”

Karen replied, “He is watching over both of us now and forever. At this my wife started crying, the tears flowing freely while clutching Karen tightly “Don’t cry Mom, he is here with us now. Don’t you feel him?” This only made her cry harder.

I placed my hand on shoulder, It was like touching mist. “She’s right you know”, I said as I tried pushing my love into her and was rewarded by a golden glow that seemed to flow into her through my hand.

Sarah looked surprised, and said “yes dear I think I do. But you need some breakfast!” She dried her tears and jumped up off the bed. off the bed and headed to the kitchen with Karen following

“I’m not really hungry”, Karen said .

“Neither an I Sarah said, but your Dad would not want us getting sick because we are not taking care of ourselves”.

As she scrambled some eggs and made toast and brought out jelly on the table I told her how proud I was for her being strong for Kyle (I used Karen’s old name because I knew Sarah)didn’t know it). I was sure she did not hear a word I said but her shoulders lifted a bit so maybe something was getting through. Karen gobbled her eggs and toast with a thick layer of Jelly, which I was glad to see.

It was odd, every time I looked at my son I kept seeing the girl I had met. “Run Upstairs and get dressed in your good clothes” Sarah said to Karen. Karen scampered upstairs at this, with Sarah trailing behind, I had a feeling this was going to be a long day as the doorbell rang and people started arriving to offer their condolences. Most brought food which was appreciated. Being a Saturday I knew it was going to be a crowd. Sarah tried to be a good hostess, but I could see the strain on her face. I made a point to touch her and send my love which seemed to help, one of our friends was a professional councilor, whom she took aside to explain her problem she got the name and phone number of a gender therapist who also had a PhD. I was glad for that. Eventually it became late and one by one our friends took their leave. They had helped Sarah but she was exhausted, as was Karen.

As I looked down on the troubled face of my wife as she lay sleeping I again felt that odd tug. I did not hesitate and followed. I found myself in my Hank’s living room, Hank was my father in law, Hank was screaming at a scared teen aged boy who looked about 15 cowering in the corner. A very young Sarah was crying hysterically on the couch. There was something off with Hanks expression, He looked absolutely miserable. But he continued yelling at the terrified child. “No son of mine can stay under my roof and choose to be an abomination. Get out!”At this point the terrified boy ran out the door.

Hank turned to his hysterical daughter and screamed “Get yourself under control! And go to your room!” He still had this odd miserable expression that did not match the tone of his voice.

I could take it no more!”Enough!” I yelled, “You have no power here! Now begone!”

Hank’s expression morphed from misery to relief. And he started moving away as if some unseen force had grabbed him and was taking him away. He went through the walls as if they were insubstantial and disappeared.

I looked at Sarah as she sat with her mouth open.”I’ve had this night mare for years and you stopped it. She cried. “Kyle was right!” Sarah said with a look of wonder on her face.
“Karen I said, Our new daughters name is Karen.” I have seen her soul, and she is indeed our daughter. Suddenly I was being swarmed by my wife who had resumed her adult self and being smothered in kisses and hugs. “I don’t think you will be having this dream again.” I found myself on a beach with Sarah and there was someone who was a younger version of me. I realized we were in a normal dream of when Sarah and had started dating.

I thought of the mirror room and found myself there again. Looking at myself in the mirror I murmured “What just happened?”

My mom appeared in the mirror and said “that was part of Hank’s purgatory,” He had to relive that night Every time Sarah has had that nightmare. You freed both he and Sarah from that part t of Sarah’s life.

“What about Kenny,” I asked?

“Oh you can see Kennith anytime you want if Kennith is willing. You are both on the same plane now. Think of this mirror as a search tool for souls.”

“Dear,” my mom said, “When you took my place I was promoted We are not on the same plane any more. But I will be here for you much the same way you are there for your family. I have other duties I must attend to.” My mother the lieutenant I thought wondering what kind of ‘duties’ she now had, obviously I was one of them, This being a happy thought.

I looked in the mirror and thought about Hank. Instantly I was standing in front of a jail cell, that could have come out a western movie with Hank inside. Hank looked up from his cot and said, “thank you.” He got up and got as close as he could on the other side of the bars. I reached over to put my hand on his shoulder and was surprised to see my hand pass though a bar. The bars are for me, not you. Hank said.. I have always regretted the day I threw Kennith out. When the police came that night and told me my son was dead I almost took my life But I had to suck it up for Sarah and her Mom. I couldn't undo what I did. You don’t know how I have prayed I could hug my son one more time. I only hope he can forgive me someday. I walked through the bars and gave Hank a bear hug .I felt the same warmth flow but somehow it was much less intense. When I stepped back Hank was smiling. “Thank you. It has been a long time since I have been hugged.”

I replied,”I am sorry but I have to go now.”

As I returned back to of the mirror room hearing, “Please don’t go!”

“Don’t worry I will be back”, I said knowing somehow he heard me.

I found myself in the mirror room again. I thought of Ken and a his image appeared before me. He was talking with a woman I recognized as Sarah’s mom, Pam. I had seen pictures of her on the wall at Hanks house while Sarah and I dated. I willed myself there and found myself on the porch of Hank’s old house. I rang the door bell. Ken answered the door. He still appeared as a teen aged boy I had net earlier. His eye widened in shock/

“I saw you at Sarah’s last night mare”, he exclaimed!

“She won’t be having those anymore, I said.

“Good! Ken exclaimed! Come on in Ken said stepping aside, I walked in and saw a pretty young lady who strongly resembled my wife, It was Pam.

“Hello”, I said, “my name is Tim.”

“I know , I was allowed to attend the wedding.”

“I am glad, Sarah had said she felt like you were there.”,I said.

Pam replied.“I was still helping Ken recover from his trauma at the time. “

“I am not allowed to watch over Sarah.” Ken said, I offered both Pam and Ken my hands, which they took. I thought of the mirror room, We three found ourselves there. You can come here whenever you wish It will help you find people and look in on them. I thought of Karen. Still looking like Kyle she was sitting quietly next to her Mom in the mirror while her Mom talked to someone I guessed was a mortician. This is Karen, your niece and granddaughter, I said, she is going through a rough patch at the moment, I died 3 days ago, she is also starting to deal with being transgendered.

“I am not allowed on earth” Ken said looking sad. “My grand mother told me I was not ready after I died,” An image of Hank appeared in the mirror, “Can I visit my Dad?”

“Yes”, I said, just make the wish.

“I will stay here” Pam said, “I am not ready for that yet.“

Ken took my hand again and we found ourselves in front of Hank’s jail cell. I watched as a look of shock appeared on Hank’s face, He rushed forward, Stepping through the bars as if they were not there and embraced his son in a massive bear hug. He was crying, as was Ken. A golden glow lite the room. It was so bright I was partly blinded by it, Hank kept murmuring “I am so sorry, over and over.” Judging from the intense glow I’m sure he meant it.

<------------*>

The funeral came and went, while people said very nice things about me I stayed with Karen and Sarah. Somehow my presence seemed to calm them both. When they went home, I listened as Sarah called the therapist, a Dr. Frank Steel, to make an appointment for Karen. After a long talk she took Karen shopping and bought her some age appropriate girls clothes, Including several training bras and panties, a pair of Mary Janes, and some tights. Fortunately I had a decent life insurance policy so they would not be hurting for money.

Karen’s hair was a silky blond and had grown to the point as Kyle it would have needed a haircut, so Sarah took Karen to a Salon where they turned it into a pixie cut. I watched Karen preen in font of a mirror obviously pleased with her new appearance. I was quite happy to see my new daughter becoming the person I had met in her dream Her blue eyes and soft blond hair complimented her looks nicely, she made a pretty girl, Not that I was biased or anything.

“Why couldn’t I wear a dress at Daddies funeral?” Karen asked.

“Because I didn’t feel it would be the right time to announce you were becoming our daughter,” Sarah said. “However, Dr. Steel said it might be a good time after the stress of the funeral to allow you to start presenting as a girl and I agreed.”

“Thank you mommy!”, Karen exclaimed as she gave her Mom a hug. Again I saw the glow between them, Karen’s glow seemed brighter than before. Sarah smiled as she hugged Karen back.

<------>

I was with Sarah and Karen in the waiting room with another bored looking gentleman while we waited to be called, An attendant had taken Sarah’s and Karen’s information for the docs files . When she told us the doctor would see us we trouped into his office.

My family sat down and I stood in the corner, Dr. Steel was a middle aged gentleman with a mustache, piercing blue eye’s and a kind face. Before we begin I would like to explain how this will work. Looking at Karen he smiled, “are you Karen?” he asked.

To which she shyly answered yes.

“Well” said the doc, “you are a very pretty girl!”. Karen broke into a wider smile. “I would prefer your mom to be with you most times, When that may be impractical due to therapy requirements will have a female intern watching both of us. “ Looking at Sarah he asked. “will this be a problem?”

“No.” Said Sarah, “but why would I need to not be here?”

“Because sometimes children need privacy and I will need Karen to be able to speak freely”. After a few interviews with Karen if you and I decide it is in her best interest I will put her on puberty blockers and start her on HRT (hormone replacement therapy appropriate for her age.” Looking at Karen. “What you say in front of me and the intern is private and will not leave this room, If something comes up I feel I must discuss with you mom for your safety I will, But that will be rare. Mrs. Smith. Parents are usually a big problem for children like Karen. I am happy for Karen's sake you are able to do what is best for you child.” He then handed Sarah a bunch of brochures I dearly wished I could read. I realized I knew what was in them as if I had read them. It was a very strange feeling, then the real conversation began where Karen’s wish to join me was brought up along with my dream visits, I t was obvious the doc was trying not to look skeptical, but he kept it under control The appointment ended with the doc telling Sarah I will be writing letters for Karen's school. If you have any problems please call this number as he handed Sarah a card.

“What kind of problems?” Sarah asked, Sometimes school administrators and teachers can be over zealous, and need to be reminded they are not the law. The number I gave you is a lawyer I have on retainer. She is someone I met through Lamba Legal. She can be a very good person to have on your side. Hopefully her services won’t be needed and the letters will be enough. Please wait for the receptionist to give them to you.”

<============>

I stayed with Karen during her week back after school. On the surface the administration was very supportive. But I over heard some of the thoughtless comments from the staff and feared for my daughter. The nurse was very professional. He went to each of Karen’s teachers and tried to explain gender dysphoria, His name was Arch Collins and he was a large intimidating man. I was very happy for this fact wen he confronted the principle after the principal made a comment about “that sissy poof” and explained Sarah already ha a lawyer lined up and ready, whom the district had dealt with before to their loss This seemed to get the administrators attention. It was interesting seeing the interplay between Arch and Sarah during their first lunch meeting. I noticed they both kept their distance given that Sarah was a new widow and all. While I could not put my finger on it this bothered me for some reason.

The next session with Dr. Steel Sarah sat outside with the same gentleman that had been there during the previous appointment. During Kathy’s session they talked about her mom’s early rejection of Kathy’s gender identity. Karen pointed out my help in getting her Mom to accept her. The doc frowned slightly hearing this. But when I commented, “Does it matter Doc? Karen is here being treated.,a slight smile killed the frown. Guess I was being subliminal here too. After the session was over he called Sarah in .Evidently she had moved closer to the gentleman in the waiting room so they could talk, She looked slightly guilty doing so.

After Sarah had sat down in the docs office with Karen beside her The Doc. Started talking.”I don’t think there is any question that the young lady next to you deserves and needs treatment for gender dysphoria, With your approval I will put her on a regimen of HRT that is appropriate for her age, at this point it will be puberty blockers and very low doses of estrogen. He said writing a prescription. At this Karen squirmed happily in her chair.

“I thought I would have trouble agreeing, Doctor”.Sarah said, but even since her father's death she is much happier, More alive as Karen.”

“I am going to recommend a program for after school I hope you will agree too,”said the Doc to Sarah “Bullying for Karen will be a problem, She will need some way to make friends and not be left alone at the school. This program is for other LGBT kids at risk from bullying. A van will pick here up after school and deliver her to a safe place where other gender nonconforming kids can hang out .after a year or two no one will remember and Karen will be safer. Sarah looked mildly alarmed at the qualifier, Dr. Steel explained. “Karen it is best if your personal history is not public knowledge. At an appropriate time your Mom, will want to correct your Birth Certificate. Fortunately we live in a state where this is possible. Some people have no tolerance for transgendered people and may use it as an excuse to bully or assault you. Doc turned to Sarah, schools in particular can be bad about turning a blind eye towards abuse, even to the point of outing their students, I had such a case occur previously which I can’t talk about, It is one of the reasons I recommended the lawyer as I did.”

“I talked with the school nurse, an Arch Collins and he seemed very sympathetic.”

“Good!”, said DR. Steel”, “I’ve met Arch and consider him an ally. “He is a good man to have your back.” With this assurance Sarah took her leave. Both my favorite people looked very relaxed on the way home.

“Mom?,”

“yes Dear?”

“Would you mind waiting outside the office from now on”, Sarah asked?

“No Dear, Why?

“I would feel more comfortable Talking to Doctor Steel alone.”

“No problem Dear, I’ll bring a netbook.”Sarah said.

And so it went. I noticed a change in how Sarah treated Karen. She started teaching her the art of being a woman asking Karen’s help in cleaning the house and doing laundry, and showing her how to cook for two. I always advocated the latter but this was a bit more extensive than I had advocated. Sarah showed Karen how to mix and match clothes to make herself. attractive. She also promised Karen makeup lesson when Karen became older This pleased Karen.. Their mother daughter shopping trips were beyond boring (not even death could change that fact for me), though they both bonded and enjoyed them immensely.

Karen’s school life was mixed, Many girls had no problems befriending her and in some cases stepping between her and would be bullies, even other girls. Arch kept an eye one her. Surreptitiously videoing an incident where a teacher got out of line with Karen on his phone.

He again explained to the principal How expensive the consequences would be if allowed to go unchecked mentioning other cases he had been involved in, then stepped back and let the Principal do his job, The principals earlier attitude seemed to have vanished as he explained to the teacher zero tolerance applied to her too. The video was never brought up.

Meanwhile I watched and advised my daughter subliminally where I could. It seemed to help her from doing something rash most of the time and helped her emotionally. I was frustrated much of the time, yet happy to see my daughter’s positive emotional growth.

The after school program was interesting One of the other kids refereed to themselves as gender fluid, but seemed more feminine than not. The kids networked on their phones promising to be there for each other if one of them got into trouble. I overheard one of the older boys telling to the youth adviser (who was gay) hoping that Karen wouldn’t get beat up like he had. It was a good place for all the kids.

The sessions continued with Doctor Steel. Karen mention in great detail how the other kids treated her. The doc seemed very pleased how she handled herself and took a lot of notes when she mentioned the teacher misgendering her and the other disrespects she was shown by that person. He suggested she see Art, the Nurse, When she mentioned it had stopped I saw him write in his notes “Call Mr. Collins”.

When I walked through the door of Dr. Steels office like the ghost I am I found Sarah holding hands with the gentleman who had been there when we arrived. I was surprised to see a glow between their hands, Sarah and he quickly disengaged. when Dr. Steel opened the door for Karen ( I had noticed the Doc was quite the gentleman even with youngsters) and his intern Janet, who sat and monitored the sessions per the Docs earlier explanation.

When they got home Sarah told Karen the were having Pizza from buffet which was well known and liked by Karen. Sarah also mention they would be meeting someone there. Karen liked to dress very girly when she had the chance but Sarah suggested She not wear her nicest clothes because of the pizza sauce flowing free. Karen would have grumbled but the prospect of Pizza and games was too exciting. So a kitten tshirt and jeans with colorful tennis shoes were adequate. When they got to the Pizza place. They waited until the guy from the waiting room got there accompanied by a very masculine woman. Sarah made the introductions.

“Honey this is Bill and his sister Liz, and this is my daughter Karen. Karen solemnly shook Bill’s hand then hugged Liz, which obviously pleased Liz. I listened as Karen whispered to Liz,”are you like me me?’ What do you mean dear?, Liz asked, Do you have birth defect that is an an outy instead of an innie? Liz blushed, then said, yes, dear I’m afraid so. That means we’re sisters! Karen squealed while giving Liz another hug. I saw the light between them. As the two girls, Liz and Karen got up to fill their plates with Pizza

Bill asked Sarah “Have you thought about what I said?”

Sarah hesitated, indesision on her face,”It’s too soon,” she said.”It ‘s only been a couple of months since Tim died.”

Bill took her hand. There was that glow, some of from Sarah's side. “Dear, I’ll wait as long as you need” he said “I think Karen and Liz like each other, I’m getting us some Pizza, Any favorites” he asked,

“Pepperoni is fine.” She replied. Something clicked in my head. So I sat across from Sarah. Her eyes had a faraway look.

“Sarah”,I said, “Our weeding vows said till death do us part. You are free. I just want you and my daughter to be happy!”

A look of peace passed across her face, and I heard her murmur “Thank you Tim, as if she was talking to herself.

Bill sat down on me, “Wow!” he exclaimed, “Is it cold here?”As I scrambled to get out of his spot and out of him.

Liz and Karen came back chattering like old friends. Since their was nothing to do at the moment I returned to the mirror room.

I was surprised to see my mom staring at me in the mirror with a gentle quiet smile on her face. “I knew you could do it.” As she held out her hand through the mirror. “You will be allowed to keep an eye on your family of course, especially Karen. If you are willing there are other people who need a caring person to watch over them. Ken will keep an eye on Sarah with your assistance. Welcome to my world son. I think we will enjoy working together.”

----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------

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Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Friday 03-16-2012 at 09:58:53 pm (-0400), this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 
Image Credit: Picture purchased and licensed for use from 123RF.com Stock Photography. ~Sephrena

It is hard to know where to begin. Up to this point my life had been a series of ups and downs, mostly downs it seemed at the time. I was born Jonathan Andrew Downing. I changed it to Dawn Andrea Downing just over 16 years ago, a year before the surgery. It wasn’t easy but I have lived as a woman ever since. It had been worth it but I was very lonely. I knew I could never be a convincing woman, but it was something I had to do, for my sanity, for me. I was 5’ 8” tall and I carried too much weight at 192 pounds. I have always had big hands and feet. I was used to the occasional verbal abuse, though it hurt when it happened. I had just turned 58, which did not help. I looked like a fat man in a dress, and I knew it. I didn’t see many people, I’ve always been active in forums on the Internet, and my writing helped pay the bills.

I was hurting much more than usual. An old and dear friend, Angie Tate, had died and I was at the visitation of her funeral. Several other of my small number of friends there, most of them post op transgender ladies like me. Angie was among the kindest and gentlest people I knew. She had volunteered her time freely to the clinic while I was there. During my darkest days she was able to stop me from doing something very permanent and unfortunate to myself, she had a way to looking into your soul and seeing the person within. I was not the only life she saved, of this I was sure.

We all filed into the chapel and took our seats. I saw one person seated in the front row. I recognized him from pictures Angie had shown me. It was Ted, her younger brother. He wasn’t an attractive man, as he also carried too much weight, and the top of his head gleamed in the lights. He was a little taller than I was, with gray hair where there was hair. I knew from talking with Angie he was about 4 years younger than I. She had always commented that he was one of the gentlest souls she knew. Like sister like brother?

Ted got up to do the eulogy.

“Angelina was one of the best people I knew. I am proud to be her brother. When our parents died she was the one that kept me going, kept me alive. I owe everything…” at this point he broke down, and couldn’t continue. He collapsed and sobbed unashamedly while other people got up to pick up the slack. It seemed a lot of people had good memories to share about Angie. I was not surprised.

As we lined up to do the final viewing I saw Ted covertly slip a small slip of paper into her casket. Even with my crying curiosity overcame me and I turned it over to look at it when my turn came. It was a picture of a very young Angie next to a smaller girl that could not have been anything but her sister. As I shuffled on I couldn’t help but think how strange it was that she had never mentioned her other sibling.

During the outdoor service I noticed Ted watching me. When I looked at him he would avert his gaze, but would pick it up when he thought I wasn’t looking. I was deeply embarrassed, I knew I was not pretty, but still, did he have to stare?

The service ended, and we went our separate ways. I was alone again.

I was shopping at the local grocery store several days later when I ran into Ted again.

“Hello, it’s Dawn, isn’t it?” he said with a smile.

“Yes.” I said, fully on guard. I was thinking back to the funeral.

“Angie mentioned you many times.” At my look of surprise he added, “She was quite fond of you, you know. She kept telling me I needed to meet you.”

I hadn’t known and my expression must have shown it. He continued with a sad smile, “It’s funny, you think you have forever. I did and I should have known better. We both lost our parents when we were young.”

“Angie had talked to me about your parents. I always considered her a good friend, I never thought I was that special.”

“She did.” he replied. “Look, can I buy you a cup of coffee? I had really meant to talk to you after the funeral, but you left before I could break free.”

Something about his earnest expression got through and I agreed. We spent the next half hour chatting. When we got up I gave him my email address and a list of chat rooms I used. I had never had a man ask how to reach me, I was a bit flustered.

He escorted me out to my car, helped me with my groceries, and opened my door. It startled me a bit, as I had never been treated with womanly courtesy.

The next week we chatted constantly on the Internet. I began to look forward to them intensely, Ted was a good listener. He really was a lot like his sister.

Then he asked me for a date. It seemed I was doing a lot of things for the first time with him. I was frightened, but intrigued. What could he possibly see in me? I mean, he wasn’t handsome, but at least he was a real man. Surely he could have found someone better than me! But I screwed up my courage, and said yes.

It was wonderful. We both had fun.

It was the first of many dates. He was a little younger, but you could not tell from how he acted. I felt like a woman when I was with him. I knew it had to be a sham, but when a man really listens and stares at you like you’re the only person he wants to be with, it was intoxicating. I was falling hard and unbelievable as it seemed, I thought Ted might be too.

We were walking when I asked him what he saw in me.

“Angie was always good at reading people,” he replied, “she thought we would be good together. I wasn’t interested at the time, but when she died I realized how alone I really was. Besides, she was right. You are beautiful.”

I was not buying, but I loved it. “Look at me,” I said, “ I am not pretty. I will never be.”

“But you are! I almost married woman who seemed attractive, but turned out to be hideous. She ripped my heart out and held it up for all to see. You are so wrong, you are beautiful, inside and out. After Angie’s funeral I looked for you. It wasn’t a coincidence I found you in that store.”

I was done for, what little control I had left was gone. I was in Love. It was as good as everyone had ever said it was, better even.

A week later I brought up his younger sister, the one in the photograph.

“That was Tammy. She died right after my Dad.” Tears started flooding his eyes and slowly began to flow down his cheeks.

“What happened?” I asked gently. I did not want to hurt this man, my man.

“When Mom died of breast cancer, my Dad couldn’t handle it. It had been a long and horrible illness. He center punched an overpass pillar. Tammy died that day too. Angie found me sitting on my bed, with a gun to my head. I would be dead too if it weren’t for her.” The tears were flowing freely now. I dropped the subject, and hugged him tightly while he cried himself out. I remembered Angie helping me out of my darkest days.

We were at a posh restaurant when he did the deed. He went down on one knee, showed me a magnificent golden ring in its case and asked for my hand in marriage. What could I say, but yes? There was applause from the other patrons.

It was a small service, I had never dreamed I could wear a real white wedding dress. Everything had a dream like quality. An old friend stood in for my deceased dad and several of my friends, most of whom were TG women, looked extremely pleased as they served as brides maids. I think they felt it was a good omen for their futures. I wished them the best, as all of them were much more attractive than I was. I wished my mom could have been there too, but I had lost both my parents after my transition. They had time to reconcile themselves to their new daughter, just before the fire claimed them. I miss them and I knew they had loved me in spite of my appearance.

As I marched up the altar I realized something I had known, but not actually conceptualized. This man, whom I loved so much, was the most handsome man I had ever known. I knew he physically wasn’t that attractive, but to me he was. I finally understood what he meant when he told me the same thing about myself. Maybe, just maybe, I could be pretty.

We exchanged our vows. Then Ted added something unexpected, I could tell it had taken the chaplain by surprise.

“I will always be there for you my love. You will never be alone again.” Simple words, but I was crying for joy. Every now and again, when I think back, I still do.

That night was yet another first. I had never been with a man, or a woman for that matter. Ted’s experience was slightly more advanced than mine. But we were willing, as only newlyweds can be, and both of us had fun. I resolved I was going to practice this until I had it down. So we practiced more over the next couple of days. I think I sprained something, several things actually, but it didn’t slow us down much. I had discovered something new and interesting in my life, but I needed to work on it. Practice makes perfect, so I had heard.

Ted didn’t need to work. He had a major inheritance and kept busy by working as a free lance writer for several technical magazines. Slowly, over several days, he explained it to me. When his Dad first died everyone assumed it was a suicide. It wasn’t, the coroner ruled it was a massive heart attack. His Dad was already dead when the car hit the pillar, and fortunately it had not burned. The insurance company had fought, even after the facts had been established, as the policy on his Dad was substantial. It backfired, when Ted and Angie’s lawyers won they got considerably more than the original policy was worth. It explained to my mind how Angie had had so much free time to be there for all the newly minted girls like me. Angie was slowly able to convince Ted that the accident was not his fault (I couldn’t figure out why, but he had been rather wedded to the idea) and further convince him that suicide was evil. The good and bad done in a life lives on, suicide solves nothing. On the other hand, suicides can beget other suicides, even from people who had never really known you. Even if no one else died, the lifetime of unhappiness and regret lived forever, as it would have with Angie. The converse was also true. All the little kindnesses one does in their life adds and adds. I was familiar with the concepts, as Angie had convinced me of much the same things when I had similar thoughts. Even with Angie gone, Ted and I were proof it was true.

I could never get him to tell me what happened to Tammy. I assumed she had killed herself too. I was saddened that Angie had not been there for her.

Something exciting happened over the next few years of our marriage. The loneliness was gone. We took long walks, talking about nothing in particular and stopped eating quiet so much fast food. Both of us liked to cook and we fed on each others interest. The food we made was much better than what we had bought and the portion sizes tended to be smaller. In short, we both lost weight. Not fast, but it was a steady decrease. We both felt better, which meant we went out more. I learned to dance with Ted. It was fun!

When we noticed what was happening we did our best to continue the trend. Ted leveled out at just over 160 pounds and I reached 134 pounds over the next year. I would never be slender and I knew my waist was always going to be a bit thick, but I found I now had curves I never knew were there. My arms, if not my hands, became passably feminine. My breasts, which had been major fat repositories, settled down to a B cup, which I found to be comfortable. I did wish they were a bit larger, because my larger chest tended to make my breasts look smaller, but Ted never complained. I even saw a feminine collarbone under my throat! I could now wear necklaces and make them look as if they belonged there.

When I thought it couldn’t get any better, it did. Our lovemaking improved. I think it had also helped loose a few extra pounds.

We were taking our usual evening walk when I heard a familiar yet detested voice behind me while Ted was getting a drink from a public water fountain.

“Well, if it isn’t the fag out for his walk.”

I turned around and there was my personal terror, the Jerk, smirking. I never knew his real name, but ever since my transition we’d see each other occasionally and he had never failed to say something ugly to me. I lived in terror he was going to hurt me physically, so I had never spoken back. I was terrified. Ted quickly walked back and I clutched his arm like a lifeline. I was trembling.

Ted’s face became blank, his eyes went dead. I saw a vein in his temple throbbing. This was a person I had never met before. He would have scared me if I had been the focus of those eyes, but I was safe with him. I would always be safe with him.

“You have something to say to my wife?” he said in a flat monotone.

The Jerk looked like someone who had teased a big cat for years and suddenly noticed the cage door was ajar.

“N N No, I’m sorry. I thought your were s s someone else. I’m sorry, I really am.” With that he started walking away, in that strange duck walk people use when they want to move fast without looking like they were running.

OH! MY! GOD! I had always felt safe with my wonderful husband, but this had brought it to new level! I clutched his still tense arms and giggled like giddy schoolgirl. I couldn’t stop, even though what I really wanted to do was kiss this man, my husband, my Hero! Judging by the strange tingles I felt, I wanted to do more than kiss.

He looked at me strangely. I felt his arm I was clutching so tightly start to relax and he started chuckling. People looked at us strangely as they passed by, but we didn’t care. We were both laughing our heads off. The Jerk and his ilk were gone forever, my mighty husband would slay them with his Just and Terrible Sword if they dared frighten me again! Overly dramatic perhaps, but it was how I felt.

That night I did things to my husband that would have made me blush the day before. Any inhibitions were gone, completely. I did things I had only imagined and tried to imagine new things. Ted had but to hint he would like try something and I was up for it! Our honeymoon had been tentative, but those days were long behind me. Unfortunately Ted fell asleep before I was really done with him. That was OK, I was going to pick it up again tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow after that. I fell asleep in his arms, dreaming of knights in armor with Ted’s face.

Next morning I woke up sore in places I never knew I had, and those places had smaller places that cried out in pain.

Hmmmm, I was going to have to work on that.

The years passed and we grew old together. Fourteen wonderful years, each year was better than the one before. I was 72, Ted was 68. I was really showing my age, but you would never know it from Ted. Ironically, I was more feminine in appearance than I had ever been. I looked like a little old lady. Over the years any woman’s magazine had to only hint at improvements to help me please my wonderful husband and enjoy our play time together. I wasn’t alone, I had discovered DVD’s in Ted’s collection to teach men how to improve their sex lives. I thought it odd, as I had assumed only women did that for their men. Most of the suggestions were rubbish, but every now and then…

I had rheumatoid arthritis, most days were becoming full of pain, but I think I was able to hide most of it from Ted. I suspect I was fooling myself, as Ted did most of the chores around the house, but I did what I could and insisted on enjoying our special times. I took painkillers before I went to bed. Ted had always been a gentle lover, putting my needs before his own, as I had done with his. I needed his caring love. I also needed our physical love.

We were out doing our daily walk when Ted went as white as a sheet and started sweating profusely. I was very concerned. He had been complaining about not feeling well earlier.

“Ted, are you OK!?!”

“It’s nothing Dawn, I must have a stomach bug. I’m just nauseous.” He proceeded to prove this by making a mess on the street.

“Dear, lets get you home and in bed.”

As there was no disagreement we started to head back to the house. To my horror he lurched backward and fell into the grass, clutching his left arm.

I went down on my knees next to him, ignoring the agony it cause me, and held him tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” he managed to croak out, “I love you so much.” With that he spasmed in agony, then relaxed. His eyes stared sightless at the sky.

I lost it. The paramedics had to pry me loose of my husband. The pain in my body was nothing compared to my Pain. I couldn’t stop crying. I’m not sure what I said, except maybe “Please, don’t leave me” over and over. He had promised! Why couldn’t it have been me lying there!

I was in shock. The ambulance carried me with my beloved. I heard the doctor pronounce him Dead on Arrival, but noticed very little else. Someone took be home, I couldn’t tell you who. They tried to get me to call a friend, but I refused. I had a plan, but I didn’t want anyone to know. They would stop me if they knew!

As I sat in the dark house, with just barely enough light to see by, I counted my pain pills. While I was doing this a sense of disquiet penetrated my grief. I decided I had enough pills and put them in a glass. The sense of disquiet increased and became frantic. How I knew this I couldn’t say, but I felt it very strongly. I went and got a glass of water, changed my mind and made it some 50 year old scotch instead, filling the glass to the brim. I painfully sat back down at the table and prepared to swallow the pills as a mass. I heard Ted’s urgent voice, clearly, as if he were right next to me.

“PLEASE! MY LOVE! DON’T DO THIS! REMEMBER WHAT ANGIE TAUGHT US!”

I looked around, but as I already knew, I was alone. I broke down and cried. I was crazy, but Ted was right. This is not something I could or should do. I poured the scotch down the sink and took four of my pills, twice my normal dose. I put the rest of them back in the bottle. I thought about throwing the bottle away, but the agony in my joints argued strongly against the plan. I would just have to be strong. I struggled to our, no, my bed. I could barely move, as the pain was horrible. I fell into a deep sleep.

I was in our house, it looked like it had 10 years ago. I looked down at myself and gasped in astonishment. I was young. I was pretty, feminine. My hands and feet were as I had always dreamed they should be, tiny, petite, pretty. My nail polish was my normal shade, but the nails themselves were long and delicate. My waist was tiny, my breasts and butt were not. I looked in the hallway mirror, my face was still my own, but everything had been altered to match my femininity. I was young and beautiful. Then I noticed something else. No Pain, for the first time in years I did not hurt.

Ted stepped out of the bedroom. Only it wasn’t my Ted, he was much younger looking, with a full head of curly hair. I realized this was a dream, but it was so real!

“Shall we go for a walk, my love?”

We walked like we used to, except in my wildest dreams I would have never worn those high heels. They felt wonderful. I prayed I would never wake up. I was going to live with my husband forever and ever. Maybe I had died and was in hea…

I woke up, the sun shining in my eyes. I tried desperately to remember what we had talked about, but with no success. I remembered being with my love, the warmth of our time together still lingered.

OK, so I was crazy. It was a good sort of crazy though; it could keep me sane. Janice came over, she had heard the awful news. She was one of my oldest friends and she was also a good friend to Ted. Most of my old friends (those who were around) were slightly jealous of my find, even more when I told them he had found me. There never was any rancor. Ted even managed to introduce a few of my older friends to some of his acquaintances, after that it was up to them. One marriage had been the result.

Janice was worried because I was so calm. I couldn’t explain it, so I just made up a story of our past happiness sustaining me. It wasn’t far from the truth and Janice had to accept it, albeit reluctantly. Tina showed up a while later. They helped me make arrangements for my love’s funeral. I couldn’t have done it by myself. The pain was back in force.

We arranged the details with the funeral home, where I had found Ted had already made the arrangements for both of us. I wasn’t alone for any length of time. I had more friends than I realized and while they cared for Ted, they also cared deeply for me. When I was alone I cried and when I was caught crying I was comforted. Tina also helped me attend the reading of the will, where I found I was the sole beneficiary of a rather large fortune. Ted apparently understood the markets much better than I did.

After a long and painful day I was exhausted. Tina had left, giving me a long hug and saying she would be back the next day. I took my usual two pills before bed, and lay down. I fell asleep almost instantly.

I was at the altar, in a beautiful wedding dress much like the one I had worn. In the back of my mind I knew it was still in a closet somewhere, much too large for me now. The dress was the same, but I wasn’t. Again, I was the person I had always dreamed of being. My Dad was at my side, looking young, handsome and proud. I saw my Mom further up the isle, in her place of honor. Angie and Tammy were on the other side, as my maids of honor, along with several people I didn’t recognize. Ted was waiting for me, as Daddy and I slowly walked up the isle together to the music.

The ceremony was the same, except my love changed the wording a little.

“My love, I promised. I hoped it would be different, but I will always be there for you. Always.”

I slowly woke up, remembering the marriage clearly and the honeymoon night but none of what we had talked about. I lay there, not hurting for a change, savoring the warm feeling. I was definitely crazier than a bedbug, but I didn’t feel alone. I slowly got dressed for the funeral later that day.

It went as planned, though it was a bit larger than I had expected. Over the years my love had helped many people, he was missed. People I didn’t recognize kept introducing themselves. There was no way to track all of them.

When I went home my girlfriends helped with the reception and food that every one had brought. They stayed long enough to clean up the mess. I was very grateful, as I simply could not have done it by myself. Eventually the ordeal was over, I was alone with my bed. Again, I was out like a light when my head hit the pillow.

We were at a dance hall, dancing a familiar Waltz. I was in a long flowing gown, Ted in his Tux, holding me close. Everything was perfect and again, there was no pain. It was Ted, with me in his arms, dance after dance. Please God, don’t let this end!

I woke to tears of joy. My pillow was soaked, and the pain was back, though it had the decency to wait until I started moving before starting up. This dream was better than most, as there had been very little conversation to remember

Janet came over and checked on me. Together we set up a maid and cook service, which I could easily afford. When she left I eagerly went back to bed. It was a disappointment and while the nap helped, it was a dreamless sleep. I was worried, but there was nothing I could do.

I went for a short walk, ate a few leftovers and thought about my life, past and present, until bedtime. I didn’t feel I had much of a future and prayed the dreams with Ted would continue.

They did.

I knew I was raving mad of course, but also understood it made an unbearable situation bearable. The help I hired was a very efficient Hispanic lady named Maria, her English was very bad and we couldn’t talk much. She was kind and with some difficulty explained she was willing to take me to the cemetery. I suspected I wasn’t the only widow she had helped. She left me for 15 minutes or so, then took me back home.

It was peaceful in the cemetery. I discovered something I had not expected. As I stood looking down at my future tomb stone and my loves final resting place, I could feel a presence. It would have been spooky, but it was the same kind of feeling I had had for years when Ted and I sat watching the stars and holding hands. God, I was even crazier than I had thought, but as with the dreams I accepted it. It was calm, welcoming. I was with my husband.

It settled down to a routine. When the weather was acceptable Maria would help to the grave site and set up a chair. I talked to my husband, she heard this and seemed to think it was perfectly normal. I would sit for an hour or so, then go home.

When the weather wasn’t acceptable I stayed home and stared out the window. My health was deteriorating rapidly, I knew it wouldn’t be long.

I was visiting the cemetery, when the former bane of my existence walked up. The Jerk had found me, I saw him look up from a grave he was visiting, and slowly came over. The normal sneer was gone from his face, replaced with… was that remorse?

“Ma’am”, he said, “ I have no excuse and I don’t expect anything from you, but I want to apologize for being a total ass and bully. I’ve been thinking about it for years, and I am deeply ashamed. If it is within you to forgive me, it is all I can ask.”

“You want me to forgive you?” I asked in a querulous voice. I hated sounding old.

“Yes Ma’am”, he replied. “I have done many things I reckon were wrong, but how I acted with you was among the worst. I am so sorry. Your husband helped me see things differently.” He nodded at my tombstones. “And I am very sorry for your loss. I regret not being able to apologize to him too. I realized what I had been doing was wrong, and the more I thought about it the more I realized what an ass I had been. Seeing you here I figured God himself has allowed me a chance to atone. Excuse me, but I’ve got to say bye to my Ma.”

He started to turn away, but I stopped him with a question. “What is your name?”

“It’s John. John Bags Ma’am.” I admit to being a little startled by his first name, but chose not to show it.

“Very well, John. My name is Dawn Tates and I forgive you. I don’t think I have much time left, and I don’t want to leave with any baggage on my soul.”

His shoulders lifted a little. “Yeah, my Mom told me pretty much the same thing a while back.”

He trudged back to the grave he started from, and got down on one knee as if praying. I could see him talking, though not hear him.

I felt a satisfaction from the presence. Apparently John had been granted forgiveness elsewhere too.

My pain only got worse. I would need to use a wheelchair very soon, only stubbornness kept me on my feet. My doctor suggested I needed more than Maria’s help, excellent though it was. I loved that woman, and made sure her place was in my will. Doc thought I would need a nursing home and I reluctantly agreed. My dreams had kept me sane and rational. Oh Lord, the irony of that statement!

I visited Ted for what I thought might be the last time. Something was different though. There was a quiet expectation mixed with joy. It was the only thing I could think of to describe what I was feeling.

I was pouring my heart out to my beloved, when my left side went numb. I fell hard and I heard rather than felt several bones break. As I lay on my back I saw a few people gather above me

A woman’s voice told me help was on the way. Everything went gray, then dark.

I woke up to the sound of a siren, and two young men working on me. I think I had tubes sticking out of my arm, but one side of my body was dead, no feeling at all.

One of the paramedics spoke to me, “You’ve had a stroke. Please hang in there, we are almost at the hospital.”

A movement on my good side caught my attention, someone was holding my hand and stroking it gently. I turned my head see who it was.

My God! It was my Ted, but how he looked in my dreams. I smiled, I was so happy, I was with my love at last.

“We’re loosing her!” a voice to my side exclaimed. I didn’t care, I was with the only true love of my life. The world tunneled to a small circle, and Ted was its center.

Darkness.

Wait, there is a light in the far distance.

It was approaching fast, or was I flying towards it?

I flew through the circle, when I turned around there was a dark hole receding in the distance.

I looked down. I was my dream self. There was no pain, none, but I could feel everything. I felt the high heel shoes on my feet, the dress around my legs. I looked up, there was a young woman smiling at me. I knew her.

“Tammy? We’ve never met, but I know you.”

Her smile got wider, she fuzzed out and Ted stood in her place. I threw myself into his arms. I could smell him, that slightly musty odor that meant I was loved and protected.

“What is happening?” I was very confused. Too much was hitting me at once.

“You have won the race, my love. We are truly together, forever.”

“But Tammy?!?”

“Tammy and I are the same person Darling. When Mom died I was very stressed out, everyone was. Angie and Mom knew about Tammy, but we also knew my Dad would take it badly if he found out. After Mom’s funeral I became Tammy, to help me deal with my emotions. Dad came home early and saw me. The look on his face said it all, he turned around and drove off. I never saw him again. It was a closed casket funeral.”

I understood. I went through much the same before I transitioned. I could think more clearly as Dawn, and my stress was greatly reduced as a woman.

Ted went on, “We thought Dad had killed himself. Tammy thought she had killed Dad. It was awful.” Ted looked sad, but he wasn’t crying as before. “Tammy couldn’t live with it. When I picked up the gun I was still Tammy. Angie found me seconds away from pulling the trigger. Part of the reason I didn’t do it faster is it wasn’t natural, for me as Tammy, to use a gun. I was in full girl mode, but it was the fastest way I could think of. If there had been any other way I would have used it instead.”

“Angie pleaded for me not to leave her alone. She told me if I used that gun it would be used again, on her. I had just lost Mommy and killed my Daddy, I didn’t want her to die because of me too. Tammy died that day, I couldn’t be her ever again. Even when we found out it was a heart attack, I still felt I had killed my Daddy.” Ted was crying, but it was the pain of the memory. I could read him after all our years of marriage.

“So what changed?” I asked.

“Simple enough,” Ted said, abruptly changing moods. “After I died I was with Mom and Dad again, even Angie is here. This flesh we wear” he said, lightly pinching my arm, “Is an illusion. Only our souls are real.” He giggled, strongly reminding me of the girl I had just met. “It is quite common for old married couples to experiment with love making after they are here for a while. I suspect Mom and Dad had done so by then.”

I nodded slowly. I had never let go of Ted the entire time. I knew we were together, but part of me wanted to be sure it stayed that way.

“Why wouldn’t you let me get here quicker?” I said, thinking back on my near suicide.

“Love, this is heaven, but it has rules. The truly evil are reborn, the past memories and inclinations erased. They start newly born with a clean slate. God does not hurt people unless there is a reason. Other people, the ones who return to Life voluntarily, retain all their memories when they return here. The concept of an old soul is very valid. Those who abused their loved ones can not see or touch them even if they are in the same place, until the abused person needs them and the abuser has reformed.”

“It can get a little tricky, time is not linear here. Past, present, and future are mixed. It is possible to meet someone for the first time that knows you as an old and trusted friend. A child newly arrived may meet his abusive parent immediately, while the parent may have been here for centuries learning how to love without hurting.”

“Suicide is a form of abuse. Judgment can be unpredictable. If you had succeeded I may not have been allowed to see you again for a very long time. Ours is strong bond, so I was able reach you outside the normal limits. When you were asleep I was able to bend some of the rules to keep you safe.”

I nodded again slowly. It had been a close call. Too close. I shivered.

“So are you going to be Tammy again?”

“Probably, but you introduced me to the good things of being a husband. I don’t intent to give that up. Remember what I said about time here? We can all be together at the same time, you, Tammy and me. God grants the gift of forgetfulness in these cases, so Tammy and I don’t remember what happened as the other. After the event is over I will remember it from both points of view, but while we are together it is spontaneous.” Ted chuckled. “I think you and Tammy are going to get along well.”

“You saw my parents at our second wedding, but I couldn’t really introduce you to them then. Both our families are waiting after the wedding, it has only been a few minutes for them. I finally get to do something I have always wanted to do and I could never have done in life. I am going to introduce my parents to my beautiful bride.”

Epilogue

Chuck and Sam were finishing the end of a long shift. Sam was bothered by something he had seen that day.

“Chuck, you remember the stroke victim earlier today, the old lady?”

“Yeah, what about her?

“Did you notice her face?”

“Yep, she was smiling. So what?”

“She shouldn’t have been able to smile, not like that! She was paralyzed!”

“Don’t sweat it kid, it was probably just a death spasm.”

Sam shut up. He knew he would never be able to convince Chuck and the other guys what he had seen.

He had seen her confusion turn into joy, her face lit up as she stared at someone only she could see. He had seen her limp arm suspended several inches over the gurney. But the kicker was the rhythmic movement on top of her surprisingly large hands on the delicate parchment like skin. It looked like someone was stroking it gently and holding her hand, he had clearly seen finger indentations. The look of joy and peace as she had passed was disturbing, but in a good way.

The guys wouldn’t believe, but he knew his wife would.

Author's Note: I owe many thanks to Hope for her help. Without it this would have a much poorer story.

Any resemblance to any other story or movie, such as “What dreams May Come” is your mistake. I have removed any and all traces, you can’t prove a thing. ~Wendy Jean.

My alarm woke me up, much as every morning. I dragged out of bed and headed to the shower, to start another day. I enjoyed my morning shower, it allowed me to tune my voice for the coming day and put on the body lotions I liked. I didn’t like the negative thoughts that seemed to go with it though, but they had always been with me, so I mostly ignored them. Still, it is disconcerting to hear yourself say “I’m so tired of being a girl.” especially when it is not true.

My name is Stacy. It wasn’t always my name, but I liked it well enough after I transitioned from being Stan.

I reached a point where I had to deal with my depression 10 years ago, or just give up and kill myself. I chose to live. But while my depression got better I am still very depressed. I have no self confidence, and feel I can never pass, even though objectively I am a success. It has been years since I have been scanned or bullied. It seemed my internal dialog is mostly negative, though I had learned to argue with it with some success since I had switched sides. I really am so happy to be a woman now!

I took my normal 5 minutes deciding what to wear, and fixed my normal breakfast of oatmeal, weight was always going to be a problem. I was still fighting the battle of the bulge, but it was a stalemate. It was better than losing the war (even if I was too fat).

I hate my job. As boring as it is I felt lucky to have it. It is a major downturn from what I used to do, but jobs seemed to be harder to find and hold on to. I lost my job of 21 years when I transitioned, and it was still a struggle to make ends meet. My internal critic seems to delight in pointing out that I can’t keep any job for very long.

The bus was running a bit late, and I really need to get there on time. When I saw another bus going the other way I figured I could still use it to get to work. I quickly started to run across the street.

That was a big mistake. I heard the honk of a horn just before something hit me hard. I must have travelled 10 feet, and I knew I was hurt badly from the pain as everything faded away.

It was dark. “You really screwed up this time” I thought. “There goes another job.”

It disconcerted me that I felt no pain. As a matter of fact I didn’t feel anything at all. I knew I was hurt badly, and it scared me.

Then I noticed a light, it was quite beautiful. It hinted at colors that I couldn’t see. Slowly it resolved into a room that vaguely resembled a waiting room, except this was one of the more comfortable places I can remember being in a long while. The furniture was attractive and well made. I looked down at the chair I was sitting in and realized with a start I was dressed in really pretty dress. Even more disconcerting was I wasn’t carrying any extra weight! This wasn’t my body, and yet it was. I never had this cleavage, or the slender hands and feet!

“You’re dreaming, you could never look this good. You’ve always been fat and ugly.” my internal critic insisted.

I saw a mirror on the wall, and walked over to have a look. If this was a dream it felt real. The reflection I saw was me, but it was the ideal I had always dreamed of. What I might have hoped for after getting facial feminization surgery. Red full lips, tiny upturned nose, big blue eyes with gorgeous eyelashes and eyebrows. And my hair! It didn’t resemble my wig at all, brilliant auburn locks going down to my shoulders! I felt it, it was real, not a wig. It was so soft and shiny, and felt so right on my bare shoulders.

“How can this be?” I murmured to myself.

A voice behind me answered, “Well, you could have died and gone to Heaven.”

I jumped a bit, startled, and turned around. A very pretty lady stood there, smiling at me. While her dress was different there was a resemblance, along with the very comfortable flats. We could have been sisters.

“Really?” I squeaked.

“No”, my internal critic replied, “There is no way they would let someone like you in.”

It was almost as if she heard the thought as she frowned slightly.

“First we are going to have to do something about that.” she said.

“What?” I asked, confused.

She smiled and shook her head. “My name is Evelyn.” She said. “I’m here to get you through orientation and the other processes you will have to have.”

“What?” I asked again, feeling a bit stupid. “That is because you are.” my internal critic replied.

“Follow me, I will explain after I introduce you to the Doctor. He’s not really a Doc, but that is good analogy as any” Evelyn said.

I followed her through the single door into the next room, where a kindly old man stood waiting. He smiled at me, which sent a wave of peaceful warmth through my body, and then looked closely at me, as if he was looking at something within.

“Hmmm, you have a bad one,” he said, “By the way, you can call me Mark.”

“OK” I said, “but what happens now?”

“Well, I need you to trust me for what I’m about to do.” he said. “This will hurt a lot, but it will make your existence much better. Then we can talk.”

“DON’T TRUST THIS OLD GEEZER!” something inside me said, but in spite of it I did. I trusted him implicitly.

“Sit here”, Mark said, pointing to a very comfortable arm chair with a doctor’s stool in front of it. I took the chair as he took his.

“YOU ARE FUCKING UP BEYOND BELIEF!”. I felt very anxious, as if something inside was trying to take over and run for it. It sounded like my internal critic, but different, more assertive.

Mark composed himself, as if he were about to do something unpleasant. He reached for my forehead and my heart. I felt his hands touch me, but they didn’t stop, they reached into my person as if I were insubstantial! I wanted to freak, but couldn’t. I felt a really painful tearing sensation, as if he were ripping something out of my body, and indeed his hands held a black lump between them as they came out of my person.

The sensation is indescribable. All my self doubt and self hatred dissolved. I had learned to love myself, but now the reservations were gone. I could finally see I am the person I wanted to be, a kind loving woman who cares deeply for other people. I had always been that person, but it is clear to me now I had had blinders on.

Mark put the lump in a cage I had not noticed. It slowly morphed into a very ugly naked version of me, all 2 feet of it, and male.

“Well Shit!” it said, “This sucks!”

I felt real fright. “What is it?!?” I asked.

“It was your Demon” Mark said.

“My What!” I shrieked.

“It is a bit complicated” Mark said. “It has to do with free will. Evil exists, and is in abundant supply in the natural world where you came from. When you were alive you could not help soak a bit up. It expressed itself in you as the self hatred and self doubt. It was the easiest way it could get in. Some people absorb it a degree it cannot be separated, they have to be quarantined until somehow we can find a way, if ever, to separate them. Those people are usually pretty evil in life, and usually become major Demons. Others can be separated, but at a cost, so much of their soul is mixed in they are a shadow of their former selves. However, they are rehabilitated and strengthened, and allowed a second chance through rebirth, what you call reincarnation. They always do much better the second time around.”

“OK, but what about my case?” I said.

“Well, it is not just you. Everyone has to fight the evil within. Those who successfully do not give in can be separated from the evil. It grows with you though, and becomes sentient pretty much at the same rate as you.”

“So what would have happened if I committed suicide, would I have been quarantined?” I asked.

“No.” Mark said, “you never gave in and treated other people with respect and love, you cared. Suicide would not have changed that, but the Demon would have rejoiced. It would have been a victory of sorts for it.”

“It would have been even more painful to separate you if you had killed yourself, but at heart you have always been a good woman.” Evelyn chipped in.

“All well and good for you assholes, but what about me?!” said my Demon. “That wanker could never do anything without me! Not like he listened like he should have!”

Mark just smiled. “Actually she will do much better without you. But don’t worry, you go to your own version of Heaven, which is Hell. I have it on good authority you will like it a lot there.”

“Yeah right,” it said “and who would that be asswipe?”

“The Dark Lord himself” Mark said. “You have quite a lot in common.”

With that Mark picked up the cage and took it to something that looked like a dumb waiter. “Have fun!” he said as he pressed the down button with the cage in it. I heard cursing fade into the distance.

Both Evelyn and Mark looked at me, “Time to meet your family” Mark said, “They are curious what you are like after you dropped the pretense.”

“Really” I said, but somehow I wasn’t afraid anymore.

“Oh yes,” Evelyn said, “Their negativity went with their Demons, and they have always loved you more than they were allowed to show.”

“I have other people to treat.” Mark said, smiling. “But we will see each other again.”

The Joy I felt was indescribable as Evelyn and I walked toward a large golden door.

A note from Wendy:

We all talk about our Demons, this was a whimsical thought of what it might be like if they were real. Many of us let self-doubt, self-hate, and fear rule our lives. Having transitioned 3 years ago I still have all three, but it really has helped. I don’t hide, and I am active in outreach to other people who struggle with where I was. I am also not a very shy person. I really do go through the shower routine I described, arguing with my invisible opponent, who is the dark side of me.

I don’t know where the negative internal dialog comes from. It seems to be malevolent, always trying out new ideas that make no sense at all. By allowing myself to be free to be me, I have disarmed much of it, but it is always there, lurking.

End of the World, As We Knew It

By Wendy Jean

Chapter 1 - End of the World

I was in bed when it happened. I slept through the asteroid strike. Not too surprising, as it happened on the other side of the world.

When I woke up the clock radio was talking about the billion plus dead, and the approaching cloud about to cover the world. It could have been worse they claimed, it wasn’t a dinosaur killer.

“Great” I thought, “End of the world and I slept through it”. I took the time to get dressed and go outside. There were people standing outside my small rural neighborhood, waiting to see what would happen. The neighborhood was surprisingly quiet. Maybe it was as it should have been, there were only about six houses and we knew each other pretty well.

My brother in Law Ernie wandered over from next door. “Hey Chuck, what are you going to do?”

“What can we do. It’s like when my Granddad was told to duck and cover as a kid. Damn if I can figure out where to go.”

Ernie had brought a portable radio, which was chattering in the background. Suddenly the chatter stopped, followed by an announcement, “And now, the president of the United States.”

“My fellow Americans, The Earth has had a major disaster of unprecedented proportions. A small asteroid, only a few hundred yards in diameter, has hit inland China. The impact crater is estimated to be 10 miles wide. If this had hit the ocean none of us would survived, but we have a chance. This strike has created a dust cloud, which is smaller than original predictions, that is englobing the Earth. It will be here within a day. My scientific advisors predict torrential rainstorms, those in low lying areas are advised to go to higher ground. The national guard and military are mobilized to render relief where necessary. I have been advised to recommend all those not is a flood area to stay put, and stay indoors. Do not panic, do not leave your homes unless you absolutely have to. Help your neighbors if you can, and stay calm. Together, we will get through this.”

“Europe has already taken the brunt, as has most of Africa. Asia, well, we shall see. Reports are very sketchy. We will get through this. After the wave passes we will try to help the survivors elsewhere in the world, but for now we must prepare.”

“God bless and protect us all.”

“Well,” said Ernie, “guess there’s time to pucker up at least.”

Crudely put, I thought, but accurate enough. “How are you on groceries?” I asked. He chuckled, “You still got those three cases of MREs you bought from me last week?”

“Yeah, but I never thought I need them.”

“You want to shift over to my house?”

Ernie and I were both part time survivalists. It was more of a joke however, as neither one of us had anywhere to bug out to. Both of us had secured our houses pretty tightly however, making modifications our neighbors had kidded us both about over the years, and had made sure we had the means to keep them. Among them were several snipers nests (though we never called them that in public). Ernie had lost a wife and I had lost a sister the year before, but before the cancer she had wanted bigger digs, so they had added a few rooms, along with a safe room for tornadoes he put his gun safe in. Ernie’s collection of guns was much larger than my modest collection of shotguns, rifles, and handguns. Hey, for Texas it was small. The gist of it was both of us has fairly large houses, as our families had been neighbors in the past and shared an oil field. The oil was gone, but the money remained. Not huge amounts, but enough to support our little hobbies. Ernie knew about my other hobby, but since I did not rub his nose in it, and we had had my sister in common we were good friends.

We had built our two homes in the country, then sold a few lots to allow for neighbors. It was a nice little community about 50 miles north east of Dallas. It was not a town, not even a post office, just a cluster of people who were friends.

We both had privacy fences with huge back yards, but we had chain link fences and a gate between our houses. Weird, but we thought it was a good idea at the time, and so it was. We had always had an agreement to look out for each other’s property, and I liked my sisters company. I hauled everything that was of consumable and defensive value over to his house, and we settled down to wait.

We didn’t have to wait long, the damnedest front I’ve ever seen came rolling in and the world grew dark outside. The electricity cut off shortly after. Since we had propane tanks (several each) and wells we weren’t too bad off. I was very happy I hadn’t gone out for groceries, it was deadly out there. It was pitch black, with lots of lightning, and you could see things hanging from the clouds when the lightning flashed. I prayed we wouldn’t have to use his safe room.

We settled down, and waited.

Chapter 2 — The Dark Ages

It was still black outside, and the rain was getting colder and colder, when there was a knock at the door. Ernie went to the sniper nest upstairs while I waited behind the steel door.

“Yeah?” I yelled over the rain.

“It’s Brian, and your other neighbors.” I knew Brian and Annette, they lived on the other side of my house. They had several young children I waved at now and then. It was cold out side, so I unlocked the door and stepped back, gun at ready.

“Open” I yelled. The door opened and there stood Brian and his family, along with Ted and Betty with their two teens, Alex and Stephanie.

“Look, “ Brian said, “We’ve pulled Ernie and your legs about the survival thing, but we are getting desperate. Any chance?…”

As I stood there door open I understood what they were saying. “Come on in.”. If need be, I would argue with Ernie later. As it turned out, it wasn’t necessary, the kids would have convinced us even if they hadn’t been friends and neighbors.

It only got nastier outside. The rain lasted several days, but eventually it turned to ice. We stayed indoors, and huddled for warmth. Now and then we would light the fireplace, but there wasn’t enough wood to keep it lit, so we conserved it as long as we could. The space heaters and propane kept it bearable. After 5 days it started getting lighter, and the rain reduced somewhat without actually stopping.

Ernie was the leader, and I was second in command. Everyone old enough was issued a gun, which brought us up to 9 armed people and two children 2 and 5, and two teenagers, 13 and 15. Of the two teenagers Stephanie seemed to be handling it the best, even though she was the younger of the two. She looked grim, but she did what she was told while her 15 year old brother went into panic attacks. There went my stereotypes. Everyone looked scared all the time, tempers were frayed, but Ernie was a natural. He had way of making people comfortable and staying in charge without seeming to.

We checked on on the other 2 houses. One had apparently been wiped out by a twister we never knew was there, I’m going to miss Frank and Kathy, double damn shame because she was 7 months expecting. Tina, the other homeowner, wanted to stay put, but appreciated the check up. I left her a FMS walkie talkie so we could stay in touch.

We had had an incident where strangers tried to break in. A group of three guys thought they could out gun us. No one on our side was hurt but the home invaders were left frozen out back, with us waiting for the ground to thaw. No one knew who they were, but everyone was very somber after that, and it tightened the ranks considerably. Even more so when we went to check on Tina. It was pretty ugly, but she survived. I’m really glad those three didn’t make it. We gently brought her home and left her with the other women for comfort. Stephanie may have been 13, but she stepped in taking care of Tina. She helped Tina a lot, emotionally and physically.

We kept turning on the radio but it remained ominously quiet, with a few stations too far away to receive clearly. We’d turn on Ernie’s generator an hour each day to keep the fridge cold, allow the furnace to work and recharge batteries. The space heaters helped, but we had to conserve our propane too.

One day, after about a week, there was light showing through the clouds. The sleet had stopped, which surprised me. I figured this was going to last a lot longer. Actually, I didn’t really expect to survive, but it was worth the shot.

“Chuck, take Ted and Brian and do a little recon. We need to see what’s going on out there.” Ted was a bean pole, about 6 foot 2 to my 5 foot 9, while Brian was very wide and a inch less. I still outweighed Ted a bit, but all of us were loosing weight, those MREs were going to have to last from all appearances. We rationed them pretty tightly.

Their wives, Annett and Betty, didn’t look to happy with the order, but they didn’t argue. Both of them had shared kitchen duties, while Ernie worked as the commissar, making sure our supplies lasted. The three of us put on disposable rain ponchos (which weren’t going to be disposed of anytime soon), put bags around our guns, and went out for a short walk into the sleet and snow on the ground. We checked on our neighbors houses, when had been ransacked but not severely damaged. Some idiots had stolen the TV and microwaves, but the two families had had their heads on straight and brought their food, blankets, and anything else they could carry over when they moved in. It would have been a lot worse if there hadn’t been plenty of trash bags.

What we saw was pretty bad. The next neighbor over was two miles away. We found old man Tombs in the front yard shot to death, I’m guessing Dorthy was in the house when it burned to the ground, we couldn’t find her. I took some comfort in knowing his grandkids had gone home to their parents in Dallas, and I was really glad we had invited those three to meet their maker. There were a few pigs and a milking cow still alive, which I viewed as nothing less than miraculous. We fed and watered them, and decided to check on them daily until we could get something built at our place. We would salvage the lumber from what was left the barn and stall. Old man Tombs had built well, which is why these critters had survived so far.

Then another miracle happened. The sun came out.

Chapter 3 — The Minor Plagues

It was still cold, but things started to thaw. I shuttered to think what it would have been like if it hadn’t been July. The nights were even worse. When 3 woman and a baby showed up in a car breathing on fumes, so we allowed them to use my house. Tina had decided we were the only safe place going, and stayed with Ernie. Ernie made it a point to be extra gentle with her, and she seemed to appreciate it. I think both knew it was going to be a long time for Tina to recover, but she wanted to put it behind her. I think knowing the three guys were never going to bother her again helped, a little, as well as knowing that Ernie had contributed on two out of three.

But that was when we started having the other problems. The temperature didn’t raise at once, but it did creep up past freezing, and the smells started. We had gathered all the bodies as far away as we could, including the ones in the houses, and did out best to bury them, but it was hopeless.

“Ernie, this isn’t good. I’m not a medic, but if this goes on we’re going to have medical issues.”

Brian spoke up, “We had better be going through the medicine cabinets.” In reward for speaking up he got the job.

A couple of the guys had cobbled two outhouse during the dark time, just to keep busy and in case. We had plenty of water, and were able to keep the interiors of the house relatively warm. Jamie, the little two year old developed bad diarrhea, followed by several of the older kids. One by one we all got sick, it was pretty bad. Someone remembered a recipe of rice and syrup, it probably saved Jamie and her older brother, Andrew’s life. Who knew Karo was a medicine?

My household with all the invited squatters didn’t do much better, but one of the folks in the neighborhood had a large supply of syrup, that and a large supply of Imodium AD seemed to help. Eric’s supply of MRE’s was a lot larger than I had known about, so we had enough for over a year. Apparently it was the one thing my sister approved of. Thanks sis, I miss you always.

People were getting out more, the further we went the worse it was. The ice slowly melted and the ground turned to slush. The creeks, which were a fair distance away, were still awesomely flooded. It was still very cold, but it hadn’t gotten below freezing in several days. They were starting to melt in earnest.

Now and then we would see other groups of people driving by, but we avoided each other.

The ground became soft enough for digging. Nasty work that, but we did manage to get our dead under several feet of dirt. The banditos we piled together, while our friends each got their own space with rock engraved as best we could. We were crying when it was done. Ernie managed a few words. He wasn’t any good at it, but they were enough.

When we checked the AM radio as part of the routine a station was back on the air.

Chapter 4 — Civilization

“A state of martial law has been declared for anyone receiving this broad cast. Army and National Guards are going through the neighborhoods gathering the dead, and where possible restoring services. Power plants are coming back online as fast as can be managed.

If you see a unit of the National Guard or Army do not fire on them, as they have been authorized to respond with lethal force. You are required to obey their orders. They are there to help. Death tolls were high, but it appears the worst has passed. If you need relocation transportation will be provided. Looting is not permitted, and violators will be shot on site”.

Then it started repeating.

“Well, help is on its way,” Ernie said. “Ted, you get a group of the guys and start stashing the MREs and the extra guns in the hidey holes. Looks like the government is coming to help.”

Annette looked very nervous, “But they are coming to help us, aren’t they?”

“Maybe so”, Ernie said, “but many times governments help themselves first. We survived so far, let’s keep it that way.” The last was said with a breath of cold vapor expelled into the air. Warm can be relative.

A week went by, with the weather still cold but not below freezing anymore. It was the beginning of August, I was not looking forward to winter. News broadcasts were resuming. What had happened to the United States made the depression look like a minor issue. Our part of the country was pretty bad, as we were not equipped for the winter conditions we faced. A loose estimate was the US had lost one third of its population, and there were more bad times ahead. Crops were totally gone, but there was some hope that something could be grown. Anything edible was fair game, such as dandelions. People who had grown pot in hydroponics setups were given amnesty and now had new jobs, but it wasn’t even going to be close to enough. Hydroponics became the new agriculture of choice.

I was helping putting up the new green house when we heard the trucks. “That would be the help they promised us.”, I said.

A group of solders in bio suites, some of the suites looking very worn out. A captain jumped out and Ernie and I approached them, careful to keep our guns down.

“Careful with those. We have already had some unfortunate incidents. I’m Captain Andrews. We are doing reconnaissance and dead collection. How many survivors?”

Ernie looked uncomfortable, “10 adults, and 5 kids, 3 locals didn’t make it, and 3 other figured they were Mad Max before we explained it to them.”

It was the Captains turn to look uncomfortable, “We have had to explain that a few times ourselves. I take in they are in the pile.”

“Yep, sad to say. The company they have is too good for them.”

“Yes, there is a lot of that going around. Do you need transport?”

I spoke up, “We have enough provisions for several months, if it is OK with you we’ll stay put.”

Captain Andrews nodded, “Good, but keep that quiet. No need to turn in an inventory. Things are going to get rough on the food front all over. It has been suggested I confiscate any hoarded food stuffs.” He looked as if he had bitten into something nasty.

Ernie smiled, with a look of relief on his face. It disappeared at the Captains next words.

“Can you handle more survivors? We think we’ll have electricity back in a month or so, but there is a back log of refugees. We could use help on that front, and you still have 3 empty houses that seem habitable.”

“The owners are staying in my place at the moment, but I’m sure we can make room. Understand, the homes are still owned. We are going to need supplies of our own.”

The Captain nodded. “Good, I’m sure some accommodations can be reached. I see propane tanks, is that part of it?”

“Yep, and we can use seeds if you can get them”

The negotiations continued for another 10 minutes. Mean while his men seemed to relax, seeing that there was no threat, happy to see families that weren’t heavily traumatized. They respected Tina’s desire to keep her distance. Evidently fighting civilians, even banditos, wasn’t what they signed up for. Before the Captain left he explained the old fashioned post office was back in service, or soon would be. The Internet would eventually return to our part of the world, but that was a low priority. Most of the infrastructure was intact, but getting people through the winter was top priority.

Things settle down to a routine. The budding romance between Ernie and Tina blossomed, with the occasional rough spot. Ernie learned how to approach her, she learned to accept his apologies with grace when he messed up and startled her. The other families moved back into their own homes, and I into mine, though we decided a militia needed to be formed. True to his word the electricity came back on, along with the phones. We still used our small FMS radios as walkie talkies, and set up a watch.

We were pestered by minor incidences, like people trying to raid our growing number of green houses. Ernie loaded some of the shotguns with rock salt, figuring lethal force for hungry people was not a good solution. Some of them were allowed to join the community. The captain brought 5 more families, raising our numbers to 41 people. He had them stand in front of Ernie while he explained this was Ernie’s show, and he was in charge. The few crates of MRE’s were appreciated, as it would take a little longer to get the greenhouses up and going for the new folk. More seeds were also provided, which were also appreciated. I didn’t know there were so many recipes for dandelion until the captain brought the cookbook along with those seeds. Why dandelion? They could be eaten after only a few days of growing time.

News on the radio and TV was not good.

The United States was working frantically to try to prevent mass starvation. Newspapers were in vogue again, though the internet slowly came back. No one had time to work on them like they used to, but it was assumed it would happen after the immediate emergencies were taken care of.

Politics was coming back, but it didn’t seem to reach the same level of nasty before. There was too much work to be done. Expeditions overseas were sent, the news was grim. At least 4 billion had died, with another 2 billion at risk. The EU was functioning, barely, but they were busy doing many of the same things the United States was. China, much of India, and a lot of the former Soviet Union were charnel zones, anarchy had taken over. Japan was struggling, along with Africa and Australia. The 4 horsemen had arrived in force and running rampant.

Anywhere there was a semblance of government was trying to figure out new ways of making food. Many were failing. South America seemed to be one of the bright spots. They had been hit least of all the major continents. They were exporting like crazy, and probably saved hundreds of millions of lives. It was something, but not enough.

In my part of the world however, it didn’t matter much. With many more mouths to feed we found several folks that seemed to think we were part of the government and owed them food without work. It was pretty tense, but we got through it with a few expulsions. In one case a mother and her kids were allowed to stay while her husband, who’s hobby seemed to include using her and the kids as a punching bag, was escorted not so gently out. She was remarried in 3 months. Winter came, and was as bad as we were afraid it would be. Over a million Americans died, but we kept building food infrastructure. Spring came, and the United States managed to produce a surplus. We were still a democracy, which surprised a lot of people. The constitution survived, twisted slightly as the government now hired (conscripted actually) anyone not doing something as important as making food. Food was legal tender just about everywhere.

Our little town (for indeed it had grown) now had a post office. We also had a militia of every able man and woman capable. It was a good thing, because that winter we had had several large gangs of violent refugees come to visit. It settled down when it became known we were not easy pickings. The army helped, but they were not there when we had to defend ourselves. New, simple houses were built from adobe, made extra thick in case it had to stop bullets. It was a bit stopgap, as adobe was not ideal for the current weather The single guys were put on the edges, and served as sentinels. We formed networks with other towns that were cropping up all over, as well as the large established ones.

Odd though it was, ours was becoming a pattern across the nation. I didn’t know that at the time, but small communities thrived, and absorbed a lot of the excess from the cities. The cities themselves developed agriculture centers. There were parts of the United State that were in the wild west era. Law and order did not exist there. Not that it mattered, as that was where the highest death rates were. A lot of small towns with any kind of industries were becoming the new manufacturing centers, and expanding. With no more Chinese imports and with all the deaths there simply weren’t enough hands for everything that had to be done. I had become almost slender, and had developed some muscle mass. This was true of everyone I knew. All the women had to take up their clothes. Several volunteered to help the other folks. They gripped about it, but I think all of them were pleased with their new figures, if not the hunger. We all had it lucky though, and knew it. Nobody was starving, and we actually had some creature comforts.

Meanwhile, Ernie and Tina had made it formal, Tina was going to be a mom. It was not necessarily in that order.

I was best man. Tina was showing a bit, but she never looked happier, with a very pleased Stephanie as the brides maid, and a confused 3 year old Jamie doing flower girl with dandelions. Ted had thought of becoming a preacher once, which was close enough. There was a little wine and liquor, but no one really got drunk, as there had been reports of roving toughs in the area.

Chapter 5 — The Major Plague

Several years went by, I continued to share it with the three ladies and a little boy named Peter who called me Uncle Chuck. I was closer to being Dad, but I needed to maintain some distance. The youngest of the ladies, Frances, had decided I would be a dandy Dad, but so far I was in front of the race. No one had discovered my little hobby. Not surprising, as I had basically shelved it indefinitely, and I had some really great hiding places in my house, including a secret room. So did Ernie for that matter. Ernie became the unofficial orphanage, as Tina loved kids. Ernie and Tina's little guy had just turned 3. It came no surprise our little town was christened Ernieville, much to my former brother in laws chagrin.

Our original 5 houses were the heart of the community. Not too surprising, given that was the only good roads other than the main highway. The rest were dirt that turned to mud when it rained. The weather stayed unsettled, the Earth had cooled and it was going to take a while to recover. Fortunately the tech of growing crops indoors helped. Genetic engineered plants were also coming out, and a lot of the empty real estate left from the Great Death was used in growing things. Some exciting news about some major advances in stem cell research were surfacing. Most of the work had been done before the Great Death but had to be put off due to the emergency. People who had been amputees for decades were suddenly getting limbs back, a major boon to the aging Afghanistan vets. The middle eastern countries had suffered greatly, with a mortality of 80% or higher. They had enough problems trying to recover without causing problems. Israel, on the other hand, had lost about 22% of its population, and was trying to help their Arab neighbors develop their indoor food technologies.

“Did you hear the news?”, Frances asked when I came in from helping build a new machine shop. This building was going to be made from sheet tin, a new building material for us. We still used adobe on the inside for insulation. It got very cold in the winter around here.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“They think a new disease is coming out of China.”

I felt a beginning of unease. “Medical tech has improved a lot” I said. “I doubt we have anything to worry about.”

She shrugged, “Doesn’t sound like a big deal anyhow. It doesn’t kill anyone, but the women who have it are sterile.”

“Not good. What are the symptoms?”

She chewed her bottom lip. “That’s just it, there aren’t any. Well, there are, women stop having their periods.”

Cindy, Frances’s sister, chimed in, “So they can’t have kids?”

“Apparently not.”

Cindy shivered, as if from the cold. “That can’t be good. Doesn’t seem like those poor Chinese can catch a break, does it”.

It became the talk of the town, and then of the nation, then of the world. There were pockets of China slowly recovering and rebuilding, aided by Taiwan. Taiwan had declared itself China’s new capital, so far it seemed it was going to stick, since they were coordinating the massive relieve efforts on China’s behalf. The death toll in China due to starvation was horrendous, but there seemed to be progress, if slow.

The plague showed no respect for national boundaries. One theory is it had escaped from a lab in China, but it didn’t matter, as there really wasn’t anyone left to blame. If a human was to blame they had been punished, with overkill. There were more Americans left alive than Chinese in the aftermath of the Great Death. Our relief efforts brought it to America, where it spread like wildfire, moving to South America through the boarders, and shipping. Apparently men were carriers as well as women, but the only symptom was the shutdown of women’s menstrual cycles.

Our turn came when a carload of guys came through. They weren’t violent, they were looking for jobs, but we chased them out of town. Two weeks later several ladies noticed they were late, two weeks after that it was unanimous. The Little Death had come to stay.

All the women in my house became very depressed. I suppose there would have been suicides, but everyone was sure a cure was coming. The last child born was 11 months later, in a little village in Peru. The only thing that could be said nice about this damn virus is if a woman was pregnant when she caught it she would still have her baby, baring normal complications. Carol, Francis’s other sister, bucked the trend, marrying a sweetheart who had been wooing her and moved out. They seemed very happy together.

Chapter 6 — The Cure.

A massive world wide depression ensued among women. Even Francis lost interest. I won’t say it was a relief, she had pretty worn me down. I had resolved she would know me as I was before I gave in, and hope for the best. Looked like that problem wasn’t anymore.

People carried on, and there were still children after 5 years, but no babies. Men and women still chased each other, but the zest was gone. New marriages fell sharply, even in our town, and divorces went through the roof.

Anywhere a civilization existed was working the problem with little success. One of the problems was the population crashes of all the countries, those that could still be referred to as such, were a mess. There were pockets of high tech, with larger areas of medium tech, but food was still a problem. A few farmers were trying to gear up for true farming, but the weather was still unpredictable. They were heavily subsidized by our government, which meant if the worst happened they would not loose their farms. The big consortiums had the same problems, but the current climate tended to favor smaller operations, since the manufacturing had also taken a major hit. There simply wasn’t enough people.

Our supply of MREs had long since exhausted, but we had large tracts of greenhouses, and a few hydroponics setups. I never figured I would be a farmer, but it was a community effort. Things weren’t great, but we were doing OK. A lot of the former necessities weren’t anymore, such as computers, which had been dying in a steady pace with no replacement parts. Cars were still being produced, but the sleek versions of the past were just that, in the past. Silicon Valley was back in force, a lot of electronics plants were coming back on line, but where the problem used to be not enough food it was now not enough people. Everything was scaled back, focusing on the really important stuff. LED lighting, for example, took off in a major way, as it was both energy efficient and useful for hydroponics and green houses.

We now had a library. It was fairly modern, with several cherished computers and internet. The community was slowly growing, Ernie and I had owned a large chunk of the lands, and was able to keep the numbers of people down to a manageable level. Still, we were up past 500 people, most of whom had a good roof, electricity, and a lot of basic comforts. The militia started becoming picky about who joined, but it was still the majority of the community. Walking around with a gun holstered was the norm, even for women.

I was coming in from setting up a new green house. Lots of walking along with a mostly vegetarian diet had done wonders for my build. I was never going to be bulked up, but there was very little fat left. Now and then we’d get meat, but it was something I’d dream about. I guess we are lucky any farm stock left, we had grown it considerably from when we’d gotten the first animals from Tomb’s farm. We were even able to pay his kids back, by setting them up when they decided to move into out little town. It was still rough around the edges, with a lot of dirt and gravel roads, but Ernie had decided to take a hand in planning it early, so as we developed we would have decently wide streets later on. Knowing where the future tech would go had its advantages.

Francis was very excited when I came in. After my hugs and greetings from a very enthusiastic 7 year old Peter, Francis presented me with the small local news paper.

“They found it”, she exclaimed.

“Found what?”, I responded, confused.

“The cure, they found a cure!” At that she threw herself onto my lap and kissed me like we had never done before, with Peter running upstairs to his aunt screaming “Uncle Chuck and Mama are kissing! Uncle Chuck and Mama are kissing!”, leaving us alone in the living room. The sounds cut off abruptly, but no one came down to check. Guess Aunty Cindy was doing her part.

It looked like the application for fatherhood was back in force. I held her, looking into her eyes. We kissed again, longer this time, with me holder her tight. Damn, that felt good. But first things first.

When we disengaged with her murmuring “I love you Charles Sanders.” I knew we had to talk. I had put this off for 7 years, but it was time.

“I love you too Francis, but there are some things you really need to know about me.”

“What, you’re married”, she giggled playfully.

“No. but it is the reason I’ve never been married. Do you know what transgendered is?”

“Oh God! You’re gay!?”, she exclaimed, looking horrified.

“No, this isn’t about sexual preference, at least not directly. It is about how I feel.”

She was looking a bit angry, a bad sign. “And how is that?”

“Like I was born the wrong sex. I should have been a woman.”

Now she looked confused, “I’ve heard of that, but how is that not gay?”

“Simple enough, I’m not attracted to men, I am a man, but I’ve always felt uncomfortable with who I am.”

There was still a bit of anger showing. Careful Chuck, I thought.

“But how can you feel like a woman when you are a man?”, she asked.

“ This isn’t about logic”, I said, “It is about who I am. How I feel.”

Tears started flowing, and she rushed up stairs. Damn, that went well, I thought. I was pretty agitated myself, but I picked up the newspaper. Details were sketchy, but apparently the virus had been isolated several years ago. Basically it shut down the ovaries, without affecting hormone levels. It also managed to hide in most cells of the body. It went on to state the virus was very unique, and very compact. General consensus was that it was made from scratch. If it had not been so terrible it would have been an act of genius.

A few minutes later Peter came down, looking a little scared and confused.

“Why is mama crying?”

“She found out something about me she didn’t like.”

“What is that?” he asked.

“It’s not something I’m going to tell you. What did she do when she got upstairs?”

“She and Aunt Cindy are talking”

Well, I figured once it was out it would be all the way. Damn. Peter sat on my lap while I read the newspaper to him, and tried to explain what it meant.

Dinner was a strained affair. Several years ago one of the entrepreneurs in our little town started making pasta, which was a huge success. Since a lot of processed food manufacturers had either gone out of business or scaled way back there was new niches for people to start up new businesses.

Cindy kept looking at me with knowing eyes, but no one seemed inclined to bring the subject up.

As the weeks went by news of the vaccine came out, and it wasn’t good. Apparently the vaccine was 100% effective for girls before they hit puberty and men, but for women and adolescents of childbearing age it was 19% effective. Good news for 9 year old Jamie, but bad news for the human race. We had already lost over three fourths of the global population. The 38% the United States had lost was harsh, but we survived as a nation. We could not take another hit like without consequences. And we had already lost 5 years of babies.

Apparently even in cases where the vaccine wasn’t effective it rendered the virus non contagious. Twas little comfort for the women, but at least we could obliterate this virus in one generation.

Chapter 7 — A New World

Major Andrews came by on his normal rounds. He had been visiting my house a lot, he and Cindy seemed to be working their way towards something.

He came bearing gifts. Cases of vaccine, one kind for men, another for women, and yet another several varieties for the kids, apparently separated to age and not gender. It was delivered to our relatively new doctor/dentist, and was mandatory for everyone. There would be no refusing this vaccine, if necessary it would be administered by force.

Several news items came out, the clinic that had perfected regeneration now could replace woman’s ovaries. This would have been great news, except that it was only 20% of the women who had the transplant were cured. Apparently the virus would reinfect the ovaries of most woman. It seemed to hide in the female DNA, and no amount of efforts would eliminate it totally.

Major Andrews approached me after the delivery.

“I’ve talked with Cindy.”

Damn, I knew this was coming. “And?”

“She has told me about your problem. Or condition, or whatever.”

I still wasn’t bitting. “And?”

“There is a pilot program I would like you to consider. You are familiar with Wesley Clinics work?”

A light was starting to dawn, but I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not. “Who hasn’t. Limb and organ regeneration was invented there.”

“The government is willing to pay for sex changes done there. The results are excellent. This includes any cosmetic surgery needed, but given they can grow pretty much anything needed there, no one will be able to tell you were ever anything other than a woman. It doesn’t matter what you biological age is, the new organs are adolescent. Preliminary research seems to show some natural life extension benefits. It is painful, since the new hip bones and back bone modifications are fairly intrusive.”

“There is a price however. Any recipients are required to have as many babies as they can physically handle. They can give the babies to sterile couples, or raise them themselves. If you choose the later their would be a government stipend, but it would be minor.”

“Another program is also coming out, using ovaries that have not been implanted we are offering surrogate services for sterile women. Apparently they can gestate babies, just not make eggs. This is fairly expensive, and genetic diversity is a problem, but if a woman can afford it they are will clone her personal ovaries. They will be still used by other woman, so the cost is somewhat offset by the government. This leads us to another program, if you were transitioned you could also offer eggs for surrogacy, as well as women for whom the vaccine worked.”

“The government will provide special training doctors scattered across the country, along with the necessary equipment to help local women have children. I'm going to see if your town doctor is qualified and interested after this.”

“Think about the program, we need fertile woman desperately.”

I did. The home situation had settled down. Francis was talking to me again, and there was something different about our relationship, some portal had been passed. Apparently she and her sister had decided not to spread the news far and wide, and the Major was also discrete.

Francis had the vaccine, and the results were she was still sterile. However, this did not mean she could not have kids. I had shown her my secret stash of womans clothes, which had turned out rather funny. Everything was loose, as in hanging like a tent. Even my feet had seemed to shrink some. That which did not hang simply fell off. The fact it had sat in storage 8 years had also not been so kind to my old clothes.

We became very close. We talked. And eventually, we made love. When she saw that did not change who I was she agreed. We were married soon there after, Jamie was the flower girl, and Peter did his part.

We took a train together to Wesley Clinic. Peter cried when we left, but he accepted staying with his aunt, who was now formerly engaged to Major Andrews.

To say the transition hurt like hell was a understatement. They were also not kidding when they talked about the cosmetic surgery, but then, I don’t think it would have been referred to as such during the old days. About half my body was replaced, from the hips down was all new, along with my arms, modifications to my ribs, and substantial parts of my face and throat, brain surgery to feminize my brain for proper menstruation, not to mention my hair. They decided my kidneys and pancreas weren’t healthy enough, so out they went. I was a early entry, and they had pulled out all the stops. They didn’t replace my backbone, but it was modified to female specs. Apparently a mans backbone is missing little pieces on the vertebra that interlock to support the weight of a baby, if I had tried to have kids with my old backbone it would have collapsed like a brittle stick. The DNA was still mine, mostly, but the X chromosome was added on the new parts. Where possible genetic improvements were made, whole catalogs of diseases were eliminated from my future, such as arthritis or osteoporosis.

The part that had really me scared turned out to be no big deal. My old skin was, well, old, and didn't match the new skin on my various grafts. I wasn't looking forward to being skinned alive so it could be replaced. The new skin had been modified genetically so it healed much faster and didn't scar easily, and with anesthesia it was replaced in one session and healed in several days. They didn't bother with hair follicles except where it mattered, but they matched the colors with new hair on the bottom with the top, as I had opted for. They even gave me new nipples (which surprised me), saying I would grow full breasts in time as an adolescent would, and it would give my back more time to heal. The nipples were feminized and enhanced, the odds of breast cancer were greatly reduced, and they would respond naturally to the estrogen now flowing through my system.

Given my ovaries were going to be used by a lot of women, special attention was paid to make sure they would produce genetically perfect eggs. It was hoped the hit on genetic diversity we would take would be offset by this. It was almost inevitable that half brothers and sisters, without their knowledge, were going to marry and have kids of their own at some point.

I spend 8 months there, with Francis at my side, her stomach swelling with our new child. Her ovaries and my testis in vitro, what could be more romantic? I wound up three inches shorter than I started, and almost 60 pounds lighter. My balding gray hair was now a brilliant red, hanging above my shoulders. I had to grow it the old fashion way, so it was going to take a while. Replacing my facial bones was no fun, but it was worth it. Ernie would not have recognized me if we hadn’t sent pictures. He was quietly spreading the word to those who would need to know, but we were still friends. Tina was terrific, I will treasure her emails always. A lot of women were planning on using my eggs to have kids when I got back.

We made it back to Ernieville in time for Francis to have our baby. The clinic kept my testis so I could have children from other woman as a courtesy.

Three years later, I have had two babies. I am keeping them, just as Francis is. It is hard work being a mother, but it is the kind of work I was longing for. Francis and I are still married, we short circuited a lot of laws by doing it as a man and woman, but slowly the laws are catching up with the new realities. Ours is not a totally monogamous relationship, as both of us are very heterosexual. It appears my interest in men changed with my body and mind. But we are in love, and are working around the problems. We have had two kids through Francis together. Ernie and Tina are helping where they can, both Uncle Ernie and Aunt Tina love kids. Given the brood they are growing it is a good thing. It is also fortunate we both have large houses. We are family.

Chapter 8 — The Rebirth

The mood of the town had changed, everywhere you see woman with big bellies and babies. Laws have changed a lot, abortion is now illegal, but any girl in a family way has full funding for her and her child, with many people willing to adopt if she doesn’t want the child. They are willing to adopt the girl too for that matter, people who kicked their daughters out of their homes because of a pregnancy tend to be shunned as child abusers. The stigma of single motherhood is gone, a single pregnant woman is very desirable with the single guys.

Laws concerning rape and spousal abuse have also become much harsher. Anyone assaulting a pregnant woman is lucky if they are arrested. The new techniques of lie detection, being reliable, means men are not convicted on a woman’s word, but if he is guilty he will go away. Most convicts are offered a different choice though, clinics have sprung up all over. The number of woman in the world are growing, as is the population. In many places polygamy is now legal, but in general a woman tends to have more legal rights. Places that never considered woman more that property are changing, and in some parts of the world that are less than democratic, lotteries exist where men are forced into transition. These seem to fading though, it is expensive and only creates a form of gentle dissension the world has never seen before.

China and India are recovering. Their populations will recover eventually, they may even be better places to live without the crowding. Relief efforts continue. The giant crater has been filled in with water, and was named Lake Change.

TG men and woman are almost totally gone, since they have the option to leave their misery behind. The free government programs have continued, with the major cosmetic surgeries I was offered being reduced somewhat. They are still available, but you have to buy them now. That is not to say a transitioned man is left looking like a man in a dress, but the extremes I went through have been reduced. I have to say though, I feel young. I don’t think I felt this good at 20 years old.

All of this is temporary of course, eventually a balance will be reached. Attitudes change slowly though, and many things will never be the same. China used to leave baby girls out to die, now they are precious, to be treasured more than boys. All children are now precious, everywhere. Child abuse is on the decline, and when it happens, it is prosecuted.

It is interesting to see the change in people attitudes toward the space programs. Every country that can afford one has one, and technique and know how freely shared. They still take second place towards the rebuilding, but there is a determination that the Great Death will never happen again.

It isn’t paradise, there was too much death and misery. But when there are children laughing and playing everywhere, and there is so much to be done, it feels good. Maybe we’ll get there yet.

The girl in me
would not let me be
Until she became me!