Unconventional Chapter 2

*Before…

It kind of drives home the lonely. Even with the crowd at the shop, I’m not there enough to make it really something social. I just want to be around people that get me.

But there’s parts no one will get.

But hey honestly just being with a lot of people like me would be really cool, more than cool.

I’m excited…I’ve got my bags packed and my con stuff too and tomorrow I’m off to Halifax airport and just maybe the best summer of my life.

Even if I can’t be…me.

I’ll get the hell out of here for a while.

Hey…okay whoever this person is on the message board, they’re kind of funny…

*And Now…

It’s the standard posting stuff and it’s kind of like Facebook in style and stuff and Starbuck’s better as a brunette is making me smile as we’re all collectively talking about all of the stuff that is going to be going on at the Con and she’s a Meme type with stuff like “heavy breathing cat’ and “Take all my money Fry.” And she uses net-stickers a lot too but she’s good at like where and when and stuff.

She sounds actually so fun to be around.

But yeah if only.

Because well most people are not that understanding.

And I’m just about to sign off and stew in my funk when I get a pop-up for a PM.

Starbuck’s better as a brunette: [Hey U what are you doing?]

Me: [Uhm…I was just going to sign off and wait for my dad to get home and drive me to Halifax.]

Her: [Halifax where’s that?]

Me: [Nova Scotia, Canada.]

Her: [Cool! Bring me some maple syrup!]

Me: [I don’t think it’ll pass the travel ban thingy with liquids.]

Her: [Oh yeah right, that sorry. U know I was like kidding and stuff right?]

Me: [No, not really I don’t talk to girls much.]

Her: [Why you seem nice and funny?]

Me: [Because I’m a geek in a barren geek wasteland.]

Her: *Sad face emoji*

Her: [That bad?]

Me: [I don’t want to rant.]

Her: [Rant away. It’s cool.]

I kind of cut loose, I cut loose about how there’s nothing here and that there’s no one like me around and there’s barely any gamers that are my age and that there’s no gaming girls and that has me ranting about how the girls are here and how they treat you and how they treat others here and how it just seems to be all either about status or social climbing and that there’s no girls that don’t try to not fit in the system.

Her: [You know girls suck even harder a whole lot to other girls right?]

Me. [Yeah, it’s just…] yes I wrote the three dots.

Her: [Lonely?]

Me: [Yeah but it’s more than that.]

Her: [More? You want a girlfriend?]

Me: [Maybe, I don’t know I’m just tired of getting those looks like I’m such a loser for loving stuff I think is cool and I’m just super frustrated at being like alone.]

Her: [You know that sounds bad right? That you sound like you’re one of those geek guys that laments about not having a girlfriend and then kind of like labels girls like an asshat.]

I…I look at the screen and I look at the clock and I look back at the screen and well screw it, just effing screw it she’s so far away and I’ll likely never run into her anyways.

Me: [Yeah I know but it’s so not like that it’s the fact that I’m trapped, I’m trapped and no one see’s me. I don’t want a girlfriend I want other girls that are my friends.]

Her: [Your name is Tommy.]

Me: [Doesn’t mean it’s right.]

Her: [You’re Trans.] it was a statement and not a question, or she didn’t type a question mark.

I do a big swallow.

Stare at the screen.

Me: [Yes…] again I typed in the three dots. Oh god my stomach is in knots and I think I’m going to be sick.

……………………

Her: [Me too.]

What?

Me: [You are?]

Her: [Yeah… I’m a trans girl too.]

Me: [I’ve never said this before.]

Her: [*Hugs* It’s okay.]

Me: [Not here.]

Her: [Not here either if you listen to all of the assholes and stuff but too bad for them because I’m doing it anyways.]

Me: [I want to, I hate this so bad.]

Her: [You’re allowed to, you’re allowed to hate it when you’re stuck in a box that you didn’t build, you are allowed to be hurt and angry and want to scream and cry.]

And yeah I’m crying.

Me: [*Crying* No one’s ever told me that it’s okay to cry about this.]

Her: [*Hugs* What’s your real name?]

Me: [Tia…]

Her: [That’s pretty I like that. Hey Tia I’m Jennifer, but you can call me Jenn.]

Me: [*Sniffle* Thank you.]

Her: [Here’s my number, when you get here we can hang out.]

Me: [Okay here’s my phone number for my phone and you can call me when you get into San Antonio.]

Jenn: [Wait you’re going to be in San Antonio before the Con?]

Me: [Yeah I’m staying at a family friends house all summer long.]

Jenn: [I live in Shavano.]

Me: [Okay…?]

Jenn: [LOL, that’s in San Antonio.]

Me: [Okay so we can meet? Maybe?]

Jenn: [And hang out and stuff.]

Me: [*wistful sigh* That would be more than cool.]

I hear dad pulling in and coming into the house and I sigh. [I have to go dad’s home and we still have to get ready and go and get my tickets.]

Jenn: [Okay bring me something Canadian!]

Then she sends me a picture link and I hit it and it’s a picture of her. And she is trans I can tell that much she’s kind of got that sort of look. Teenaged and having hit or is in that grown spurt and she’s kind of got that part where yeah you can see the dude damage there and she doesn’t have the small build in the shoulders of most girls and she’s kind of got a boy jaw and stuff but she’s also smooth faced and has that deep tone that Tomas and his family has and others I’ve met have and she’s got nice hair that looks like she’s in the whole process of growing it out.

And I don’t know if she has her breasts started or that it’s a bra but she’s got this small breast look going on and it still just looks right in her Metal Gear t-shirt and her hoodie and she…she looks happy most of all.

Does it do that?

Does not living a lie look like that? Does it feel like that?

“Tommy c’mon I don’t want to run into suppertime traffic.”

I power my computer down and grab my bags and close my door and head out to join him and my head’s still swirling with possibilities and stuff and me saying it.

Saying it actually to somebody.

“Dad? Can we get some maple sugar to take to Tomas and I have a friend I might be meeting down there too.”

He grins and takes a couple of blocks from the deepfreeze. “We’ll get some Canadian stuff from the dollar store too okay. I’m not paying the prices that they want at the airport.”

“Sure!”

We get into the car and we head out with dad driving and putting in one of his CD’s and we’re listening to some of his music as we go. I’m not a big fan of Bon Jovi and all of that one size fit’s all glam rock stuff but it’s okay.

It’s okay because Tia came up for air today.

I have a name.

I have a name!

Unconventional Chapter 3

*Before…

“Dad? Can we get some maple sugar to take to Tomas and I have a friend I might be meeting down there too.”
He grins and takes a couple of blocks from the deepfreeze. “We’ll get some Canadian stuff from the dollar store too okay. I’m not paying the prices that they want at the airport.”
“Sure!”
We get into the car and we head out with dad driving and putting in one of his CD’s and we’re listening to some of his music as we go. I’m not a big fan of Bon Jovi and all of that one size fit’s all glam rock stuff but it’s okay.
It’s okay because Tia came up for air today.
I have a name.
I have a name!

*And Now…

Well okay… *It’s my life* is not a bad song and yeah it kind of speaks to me y’know with things.

With me and being Tia.

Having a name.

Dad looks at me and he’s smiling. “You’re excited. It’s kind of good to see you happy.”

“I… “

“I want to be like happy dad.”

He looks at me. “Well hopefully this’ll do it. I kinda get it too…this is your thing, you kind of need a thing Tom, we all do and this stuff is yours with the cards and comics ad stuff. And I get that you’re not going to find a lot of that stuck here in Truro.”

Oh Dad if that was like just it.

But I nod anyways.

“There’s not a lot of stuff like this here dad just like a few gamers her and there and like down at the Esplanade.”

That’s the CN mini-mall sort of station downtown where the hobby shop is at.

Dad nods. “I read some stuff too when I was your age. Not anything like the stuff now but I did and I wasn’t into it anywhere close to you or have like spent the time or the cash on it and stuff but I get it with these things…there’s fans and then there’s like drawing stuff or writing.”

“Dad?”

I’m a little confused.

“Look this isn’t my thing and definitely not your Mom’s stuff or like your brother’s”

I roll my eyes at this.

“Yeah no kidding, he’s such a doodbro.”

“Doodbro?”

“Yeah that typical asshole jock or motor-jock guy that is like all about being super macho and being all about the bling and swagger and just like being a dick and proud of it.”

Dad laughs. “Yeah, yeah as bad as that is that was sort of me at that age too.”

“Really you sort of seem kind of sensible.”

“Parker is too in his own way, he’s good with his hands, good with younger kids too.”

I look at him. “Yeah well he’s not really LGBT friendly.”

Dad looks at me.

“Dad he says like horrible shit all the time.”

Dad’s frowning. “Okay, that I didn’t know. I’ll admit I’m not up on any of that stuff except to know enough to keep my mouth shut.”

I look at him. “So what do you feel about LGBT humans.”

“Not much actually…I man gay’s gay right it’s not like anything else is going to change because I’m not with it.”

“You’re not?” I sort of feel my heart sink.

“No, no…it’s not that, it’s just that we’re not going to change people from being people because we don’t like it or it makes us uncomfortable or that they’re like going to hell…it’s not going to do one damned thing but to like spread misery with people.”

I nod.

“Parker’s…well he says a lot of that crap dad.”

Dad has the serious face. “Well then I’ll have a long talk with him.”

I look at him with a raised eyebrow.

Dad looks at me. “What?”

“So he’s been like this for years and now you’re going to do something?”

He gets the frown going on the tense and semi-pissed one that is so much my dad to me so much of the time. “Well I have to know about something to do something about it Tom, I’m not a mind reader.”

We take the corner or the turn off for the Wall-Mart-Mall… ages ago it used to be the K-Mart mall and some people still call it that in town even if there’s like no K-marts left like in Canada…the other one across the street is The Old Mall… seriously when the tiles are like permascuffed and discolored it’s like old…Dad still goes to there though.

Really there’s nothing there except shopping…and iffy stuff at that.

There’s nothing, and I mean nothing in this freaking town that I like.

“Sorry dad.” I say as I grip the Jesus-strap on my side and he slows down a lot and he sighs and he looks at me.

“You sounded like your mom there.”

Mentally I’m nodding…and not…mom and I aren’t close either she’s very much this whole local girl and stuff with her like not being into my music or my like games or anything else that I like or care about.

Instead mom’s like into stuff for the house, fixing things up and in the yard a lot too which is usually at least like three sort of projects a summer even when we’re working and doing stuff.

And it’s doing projects while you’re sort of broke which means I’m roped into landscaping…or should I say “landscaping” with air-quotes since it’s endless shoveling.

Our place is on a crap lot and we have a kind of a side yard but that’s where the cars and the driveway/parking lot is and we have like a bit in the front and a little bit on the other side but the oil tank access is there and we can’t really put stuff there so it’s been.

This big sort of flower-box in the front only mom’s bad at growing things and then Dad built out deck at the side of the house with the driveway and that’s okay but only after him and her fought about how she wanted it done and dad elected to do what we could do with his time off and budget.

I will give her this she did get us some cool and okay stuff for the deck including our first gas grill.

It’s third hand but still it’s kind of nice since we had charcoal and had it outside in the driveway most of the time.

And now…well now mom has her sights on a backyard with a garden which has been meaning a fence or in theory and we don’t have one of those digger up things and we don’t have half the stuff that we need and that means like a pick if we like have one and shovels.

Or it will for Parker.

Unless the assbutt saves it for when I get home.

We head into the mall and we sort of do the bee-line to the travel place to get my tickets and in doing so we’re like avoiding most of the shops in there and that’s alright by me.

The place is either full of stuff that makes me want to gag because it’s just all so here and preppy and vanilla and just…nope or it’s like things for girls that I will never likely ever have the chance to like wear or shop for either.

Which just adds to the suck.

And then there’s avoiding the girls.

Because one thing I have found about girls and the mall and being there too.

It’s socially frustrating as all hell and it’s really, really just a good way to trigger a nice bout of dysphoria.

But all the potential stuff that could trip me up or shut me down is like fading fast under the power of the plane ticket that’s in my hand.

A ticket out of here.

Hopefully Tomas’s place will be better than here and hopefully the con will like be awesome.

Hopefully I can at least meet Jennifer there.

We hit a few of the places in the mall picking up some cheap (Frowns) Canandiana stuff and I’m like hoping it’s alright and all because some of it’s that kind of like cheezey bad stuff like a hollow fake lobster pin with a Nova Scotia tartan ribbon on it. But that does get me getting some Nova Scotia stuff too while I think of it and post cards and other things too and we do get some maple cream blocks to take down too since even dad thought the ones we had would be like too old.

We head home but not before we stop at the discount bread place for buns and then head home. It’s just across the tracks and the CN station and it’s the first street on the right and it’s this old Ben’s Bakery and Wholesome bread wholesale place that does things like sell the day olds and stuff before it’s like tossed or sold to like the piggeries around here. Seriously we go to places like this, and we shop there and we shop at like other places that are like right next to dead cheap.

And yeah I kind of am not cool with it because people see you.

And I know it’s shitty and I know it’s not cool to be not cool with being poor and stuff but it’s.

People see you and they judge you and like I said here at school you’re lumped in really fast with the not worth my time people.

And I hate those judgey assholes.

We get home and I head to my room and get my ticket in my carry on and then I turn on my stereo and pop in a mixed CD and I start blasting music.

*Hellen…a women’s metal group out of the southern states.
*Witchburn…Old school Seattle metal before the grunge bullshit.

Seriously Grunge music and all of its incarnations are like soft metal infused with depression and chronic fatigue syndrome. Yeah I think it’s garbage.

No strike that Garbage for not being metal is actually a good band.

But it’s my stuff that I like and I put on my headphones in case parker comes home and starts to decide to be an ass about the fact that I have like mostly women in my collection.

*Kittie… Canadian metal and awesome and kinda light.
*In this Moment…Really, really underrated.

*Halestorm… Lzzy Hale, always Lizzy Hale I mean if there was a woman that is part of me in like that living and breathing way it’s her…all of the songs are great and her voice has that old school high carries with her notes that’s old metal like Iron maiden and Judas Priest and not the operatic kinds of music you hear out of the powerful European stuff. And then there’s the fact the RJD loved her voice.

Yeah seriously…Ronnie James Dio.

I will listen to like few metal bands really that are guy forward but I will always listen to Dio.

And Maiden and Motorhead…well because y’know Lemmy and Lemmy is just well… he’s Bon Scott that never died.

*Straight Line Stitch… Alexis Brown…one of the few women of color in metal and the stuff she can do with her voice is stunningly amazing.

*Epica…yeah…what I said about Lzzy Hale it goes for Simone Simon’s too…instead of being me I’d so love to be like her…achingly so.

*Nightwish… and now I’m zoning out into the whole European vocal operatic metal and just feeling the power in the voices that are so synched with the rest of the band.

I’m right into it a whole lot when I see Jennifer’s Starbuck’s better as a brunette thing come up in my e-mails and I log in and see her out in like places and she’s sent me selfies of her being legitimate her and like at a park I think and with some other kids that are sort of like in the back ground and kind of photo bombing.

Friends…

Yeah it’d be nice to have friends like that here.

I send some smiles and comment on the pictures on her Google-plus and by the time I’m done that it’s time to go and have that whole last family supper.

I really, really want to get out of here.

Unconventional Chapter 4

*Before…

I’m right into it a whole lot when I see Jennifer’s Starbuck’s better as a brunette thing come up in my e-mails and I log in and see her out in like places and she’s sent me selfies of her being legitimate her and like at a park I think and with some other kids that are sort of like in the back ground and kind of photo bombing.

Friends…

Yeah it’d be nice to have friends like that here.

I send some smiles and comment on the pictures on her Google-plus and by the time I’m done that it’s time to go and have that whole last family supper.

I really, really want to get out of here.

*And Now…

I take a breath and hold it a minute and it’s going to be one of those things where it’s going to be extra close family time and extra close family time isn’t really my deal. I mean I like my folks sort of.

We’re disconnected and like they’re both okay but it’s not like they get me at all.

And that’s just the metal head hard rocker geek.

That they don’t know is a geekette.

I have like so much going on in my head and it’s so loud it just hurts me sometimes.

I ground myself as best as I can and I head outside and I can smell the food and my stomach is caught between being actually hungry and doing a slow roll to the left and crying out in terror.

My other relatives are here to see me off because Mom has this thing about family and making this some sort of like BFD.

We really sort of don’t hang with each other most are from other parts of town or from outside of Truro altogether. And outside of Truro well other than a few cities that aren’t all that close well it’s all rural and stuff.

Which means there’s country music playing.

Y’know when when your dog drinks all of your beer and the cactus done run off with your wimmen.

Or… there’s the opposite crowd that is like the hillbilly meth head crowd.

Mulletpeople.

My brother’s people…Parker’s.

And then like I said the food…I don’t know where it came from what part of my family found these things but they sort of like materialize at most family gatherings.

Ambrosia salad…urk.

Macaroni and Tostidos nacho-cheese chip dip…urk.

Macaroni salad with mayo mixed with vinegar and cream cheese and canned baking milk with like just a little onion and garlic powder…urk.

And yeah there hillbilly country rock playing and it’s the old generation kinda sort of rebels still trying to be like rebels but they’re so not.

Like who the hell thinks Kid Rock’s like relevant.

And there’s the yard full of cars and vehicles mostly like a few trucks and mini-vans and RAV’s but there’s some of those cousins and uncles with the Fast & Furious cars but it’s more like the Fast and Ridiculous.

Four cylinder cars maybe six with really bad versions of nice custom paintjobs and plastic chrome and those Canadian tire decals and reflector tape and the really bad track lighting like their cars a strip club and the stereos.

With enough power to cause serious damage if you actually drove like that.

And yeah my brother’s over there with them and it’s just this stark reminder of that’s likely going to be his life and stuff and what my might have been…could be and stuff. Just shit like that being my glory days?

I sigh and then the music changes and it’s not all that bad as someone actually puts on some rock and roll and yeah it’s old stuff but I’ll take it over the country and I see some of my female cousins are here and that’s okay too.

Actually while I recognize most of them they’ve changed enough that it’s pretty different over the last year and some for a few of them.

A couple of them look really amazing but also that kind of amazing that comes with I’m better than you don’t talk to me and they’re like all hanging together by default and they’re giving off this look like they’re all suffering that they’re here and they’re so like above it all.

And they’re all texting whoever is their own crowd or each other while they’re looking like they’re better than it all.

And then there’s the ones that are sort of in the middle and easier to take and wave or say high and they’re sort of in a few smaller groups and they’re talking and I really kind of want to go over and hear what they’re saying and maybe join in and then there’s Penny.

Penny is my cousin from Midjic.

Some little place out in the country up in the middle of nowhere New Brunswick and she lives with her mom who left her dad who is from some reservation up there and not to sound like I’m stereotyping natives and stuff but the guy I guess was a serious drunk and druggie who just wouldn’t stay clean.

But Penny is native, or half and she looks it with the earth-tan skin and the whole killer looks and stuff but the look sort of stop there with her having a really great undercut going on. A nose stud and three eyebrow rings and a whole lot of other piercings and she’s wearing red canvas running shoes and black cargo pants with a really nice old school thick leather belt and a Shadowrun t-shirt.

A gamer.

And she’s cool looking.

We lock eyes and she’s staring at me cause I’m wearing heavy and baggy sweatpants but I’m wearing my Halestorm band t-shirt and she looks at me like she actually recognizes the band and our eyes meet and she raises an eyebrow like Spock and I do the same and there’s a grin and she actually smiles and she waves me over to the picnic table she’s at and unpacking stuff.

I walk over and I’m still feeling a little shy and stuff and she smiles at me.

“Thank god someone that looks halfway sane in this place.” She says when I get there.

I nod. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

She jerks her head towards Parker and the gousins. “I can see that, sooo glad I’m an only child though my family over in Dorchester and Memramcook’s no better just the sort of French versions.”

I nod. “Seriously, that’s gotta suck too.”

She shrugs. “I keep to myself, except for a few people that I’ll hang with now and then from like Mount A. I really try and like not do this sort of stuff.”

I shrug. “Sorry I thought it was just like going to be just a BBQ and stuff before I left and I didn’t think that I was going to be a cause for the gathering of the clans.”

She nods. “Well you’re like going further than most of us have ever gone and that’s sort of a big deal.”

I hold my hand over my heart. “And I promise to not talk about it over the next thirty years like it’s my one thing that I ever did.”

She rolls her eyes and looks at one of the gousins… that’s guy cousins BTW. “Thank fuck, serious if I hear about how he scored that three pointer that took them to the provincials in basketball one more time I’m going to take one of the corkscrews from the adults and do something drastic.”

I nod. “Sportsing people do that to me too. And y’know it wouldn’t be too bad if they won the provincials and played at nationals but nope…and the sad thing is.”

She says. “That’s when he like peaked.”

I look at him and he’s from Amherst which is closer to her end of things. “What’s he doing now?”

“Pumps gas in Port Agony.”

I frown. “Eeew…”

Port Agony is Port Elgin and it’s a nice little village as long as you drive through it otherwise once you see past the quaint veneer it’s just awful. Like Bon-Temps from True-Blood without the monsters and interesting people.

Penny’s nodding and she’s taking out food that looks interesting at least.

I’m looking some of it over.

“I’m going to open my own place I hope.”

“In Sackville?”

“Hell no, Halifax or maybe Moncton or Fredericton.”

“More business?”

“More Yuppies and hipsters, I’m doing Canadian native fusion cuisine.”

I give her the Spock eyebrow.

She laughs. “Really it’s just reservation cooking and stuff using game and stuff that we can and usually get to like change things up or like replace some stuff.”

“Like deer hamburger in chili.”

“Exactly, you and me we’ve like had that at least once or twice a year right well these new agey hipster folks won’t and they’ll all like freak out for it and stuff.”

I nod.

“We sort of see some of these kids here going to CEC and the Teacher College and they’re in town and going to the entire trendy kinda sort of places and once in the while they’ll go in the game and comic shop buying stuff.”

She nods and she’s setting out one of those little table top old school BBQ hibachis and charcoal and some actual chunks of tree or branches cut into charcoal sized lumps?

“The shirts, all the stuff we wear because we love it they’re wearing because it’s trendy…I kind of hate them for it but at the same time it’s good for those places and stuff because we really don’t have a lot of people down around here to keep things going steadily.”

“Yeah not around here, you’d have to have something really wicked going on to keep going and stuff in the Maritimes for running a hobby shop.”

We’re suddenly smiling at each other and while Penny’s a couple of years older than me it’s sort of like finding out you had someone really cool around you that you never knew that you did.

I actually blush a little and watch her get her charcoal going and then the wood.

“What’s with the wood chunks?”

“Choke cherry and Alder they’re kinda smoking woods but they make decent wood to cook with too for this. I cut this stuff out of the backyard and have been playing around with it.”

She goes on to talk about the partridge she has with like it soaking in the stuff for butter chicken and the Tupperware of rabbit she has that she’s marinated in a Korean begogi style. And then she has honey garlic deer sausages from this butcher shop place in Dorchester and she has a salad that she has made and it’s like cooked then frozen and reheated fiddleheads and chunked up frozen asparagus and then there’s dandelion greens and roasted green peppers with the skins off and green beans just in like slices and wild rice in it like some of those fancy salads that have like quinoa in them and her dressing is literally a jar of Unico brand marinated artichoke hearts and some capers and whole grain mustard all put through a blender.

I try some and it’s so green tasting…there’s the hard greens from the dandelions and fiddle heads and then the rest sort of meets everything in the middle and then there’s that sweet gree but other thing from the peppers and the wild rice sort of helps round everything out with the dressing and the sauce.

I’ve like never had anything like it at all and it’s really good.

“You serve this and you’ll do really well.”

She grins. “It’s technically Vegan and it’s Gluten free so it’s right in the buzz-word zone.”

We eat and I sort of help cook and she has some of the family come over to try her food and there’s a whole lot of very questionable looks from the bulk of the family but the aloof and really, like really (sarc) popular girls came over when they heard the buzz words and they ate a lot of the salad and they had some of the other stuff too and they even took pictures and put them online like all the rest of the people that just, just had to (sarc) put it like online.

Penny and I even shared moment’s looking at each other as we really tried not to make fun of them and just the sheer… I have no words.

I almost made her choke on a mouthful of her rabbit begogi when Paula asks me. “So Tommy like why are you like all into like the burgers and the mountain dew and stuff like the other guys and you’re like eating here?”

“This is healthier and I like mountain dew once in a while but it’s just too heavy and stuff and I cannot even.”

Paula totally missed it and Penny choked and I even said “I cannot even” in that kinda ditzy sort lo like off nasally way that these girls do all the time and it…well they were so oblivious to it you could actually see it go whoosh over their heads.

God it was actually a really good night.

It went too fast and it was like over and people heading out and things so they could like all get home and I found myself trading off info with Penny with like all our online stuff and talking until it was actually pretty late about bands and comics and gaming both tabletop and online stuff.

She’s plays Star Wars online with the Knights of The Old Republic and she plays Warcraft and she plays Shadowrun online too which I’ve never really tried at all and she reads Jem and the new Transformers stuff with the female gender bots and storylines and Lumberjanes.

She’s giving me looks and then she’s staring at me when I say. “I love what they did with Jo.”

She nods. “Actually yeah that was very cool.” She’s sort of whispering talking now as we’re packing up her stuff into her mom’s Yukon.

See Jo’s a trans girl and that’s in a very girl power popular comic and they got flak from serious bad radical feminist types over that and at the same time it’s a really yay moment for a lot of people in the trans community.

Right up there with the Stevonnie thing.

I don’t know what to say next until she asks. “So you going to cosplay while you’re there?”

I nod. “Definitely and I have like a few ideas and stuff.”

“Gay ideas!” Parker calls out as he’s going by with some of the gousins and I can smell booze on him.

I flip him the bird. “Fuck off Parker.”

He stops. “You gonna make me Tommy? You prissy little shit.”

Penny says. “Parker go away you’re drunk.”

He says. “Ho...! and now we get to hear from the dyke wagon burner. Is that why you and you’re mom live in the middle of fucking nowhere because you’re such a lez?”

“PARKER!!!” Dad yell growls it and he usually is a quiet sort of semi laid back guy but this time…this time he did his usual bullshit and Dad was just the other side of Penny’s mom’s Yukon and he caught it all.

It was that loud it made me jump and Parker turns white as a ghost and then red like the booze in him made him remember stuff that just got him all pissed off again.

“What! what! I can’t say shit about them and they’re bullshit!?”

“BACKYARD NOW!!!” Dad didn’t lower the volume and he doesn’t even wait and he grabs parker by the arm and he hauls him out back.

I’m looking at Penny and she’s red faced and she looks upset by some of the shit my brother said and I see her mom looking concerned and pissed at what just happened and I tap Penny on the shoulder and she looks at me instead of where Dad and parker disappeared to and I try and give her a sorry look and she actually steps over and she hugs me.

It’s a girl hug.

It’s a girl hugging another girl hug and that just…I shiver and we’re both almost crying.

“You call me later tonight, we can like talk?” I say.

“Aren’t you going to be asleep?”

“I’m leaving early for Halifax so not likely and especially after this.”

“Okay.”

I look at her when we break the hug. “You going to be okay?”

She nods and sniffles. “Yeah, hey when you get back maybe you can come up and like hang out and stuff?”

She looks at her mom who is giving her this look and Penny signs something to her and she looks and me and she signs and does that deaf talking thing. “It’s cool with me, we’re all good.” and she does that close her mouth thing and turns the key and tosses it away thing.

I look right at her and say so she can read me better. “Thanks Aunt Maggie.”

She hugs me and Penny does too and they head out right after that since it’s late enough and it’s still like a two hour drive for them to get home and I go and I actually try and help mom with cleaning stuff up and avoiding the he’s gay looks from the gousins that are getting read the riot act from Great Uncle Peter who’s taking keys and going off about drinking and driving.

Soon…soon I’ll be out of here.

Unconventional chapter 5

*Before…

“You call me later tonight, we can like talk?” I say.
“Aren’t you going to be asleep?”
“I’m leaving early for Halifax so not likely and especially after this.”
“Okay.”
I look at her when we break the hug. “You going to be okay?”
She nods and sniffles. “Yeah, hey when you get back maybe you can come up and like hang out and stuff?”
She looks at her mom who is giving her this look and Penny signs something to her and she looks and me and she signs and does that deaf talking thing. “It’s cool with me, we’re all good.” and she does that close her mouth thing and turns the key and tosses it away thing.
I look right at her and say so she can read me better. “Thanks Aunt Maggie.”
She hugs me and Penny does too and they head out right after that since it’s late enough and it’s still like a two hour drive for them to get home and I go and I actually try and help mom with cleaning stuff up and avoiding the he’s gay looks from the gousins that are getting read the riot act from Great Uncle Peter who’s taking keys and going off about drinking and driving.
Soon…soon I’ll be out of here.

*And Now…

It’s a rough night and I really do hate it.

There’s all the family bullcrap that goes on with who we are and how poor we are and all of that stuff that just drives me nuts with the yelling and the swearing with the gousins.

I’m not like that, I will never be like that and I never will.

But I really hate that there’s no other options for me that I can see.

And it goes on for like freaking hours.

It’s after midnight when I get to talk to Penny online a little more and I actually come out to her as trans.

Even online it’s like there’s this huge chunk of something getting lifted off of me.

So Penny gets to meet Tia.

And for a good three hours I’m up really later than I should having the first really in depth girl talk with my cousin.

And it’s a lot of the same stuff really the things that we’re into and the things that we’ve always liked but it soooo much better because we are talking as girls and we’re not policing our language.

Which is huge for me and it’s really important to Penny too because there’s a huge slap down that happens to geek girls with the fake geek girls thing and she gets a whole boatload of that all of the time.

And I get to vent about how much it makes me actually want to rage more than hurt over all the transphobic people out there and all of the bullcrap about us not being real girls, about us not having real girlhoods of that stuff that those hateful people that call themselves “Gender critical” get to pass off as how they think we’re socialized.

Penny gets the anger too from her own end.

Trans girls are allowed to be angry, it’s “Male violence” no matter how much bullshit we get piled on us.

Native girls aren’t allowed to get angry without getting type casted as crazy or wild or like a problem child because she’s native.

Assumptions on her family, on how she grew up, if she was raised on a res or not.

It was like a three hour long bitch session that I needed way more than I thought I did.

And apparently trans girls and native girls aren’t allowed to like metal either.

Dad was less than enthused by my being up when he was getting up to get coffee’d up for the drive to Halifax and he really gently knocked to like not wake anyone else up but he definitely gave me the squinty parental eye as he looked in on me.

I shrugged. “Talking to Penny, we actually hit it off.”

He actually semi brightened at that or as much as he could like without coffee into him and he smiled. “Good, she’s freaking smart as heck and had a kinda raw deal it’s good that you too are getting along because neither one of you really do that with the family.”

“Sorry Dad.”

He actually shrugged. “It happens, family is complicated but we do try and be family.”

I nod and grab my things and I redo my passwords on my computer and I power it down and I even unplug it just so that Parker can’t mess with it. Not that he’d know how or anything but I’m still…well…he’s an asshole.

So I check all of my other stuff that he might actually try and mess with and make sure that my games and my comics and things are piled and locked into my closet and then I go to join dad.

The smell of coffee would wake the dead and choke a horse.

Seriously dad makes walk on it coffee and I have zero clue really as how he can drink it black. He fills the filter as high as he can and he runs it through and it comes out with a heavy, heavy bitter coffee acrid smell.

Like when it’s done the grounds are full to the top of the filter basket.

I am not a huge coffee drinker really because around here well it’s like either instant or home perk and that’s okay but there’s this whole kind of thing where there’s the coffee kids.

I know I sound like a stuck up jerk but these are those asshatts that you see wearing their pjammas in the daytime smoking rollies and drinking coffee and just hanging around doing nothing all day long and acting like their cool.

The occasionally mix it up with leather jackets and Truro Goth make-up and faux punker stuff and well teenaged baby carriages.

And there’s like a few indie places and a few Tim Horton’s and there’s like one StarSmucks down on toward the community college.

So yeah I’m not a big coffee drinker and I’m not into the energy drinks either since that stuff just ends up giving me a headache.

But with dad’s I do what mom does actually and it’s actually sort of semi-pleasant…I mean since I get to like share something even this with her.

Skim milk in my travel mug and about half way and two teaspoons of sugar and I nuke it for like a couple of minutes and then I add the coffee and sort of mild it out.

Dad skips breakfast and we get my stuff in the trunk and mom’s up with the same coffee as me to see me off.

Okay we’re not that close but her really emotional hug has me swallowing myself down in the whole trans-edit that I always have going.

“Be careful Tommy.”

“I will Mom.”

“Call us when you get to each airport so we know what’s going on.”

I roll my eyes. “Yes Mom.”

“No you don’t roll your eyes, it’s dangerous out there and you’re still young, young enough to get hurt.”

She hugs me tight with that whole Mom concern she has and part of me does like it but part of me can’t help but wonder if she’d feel the same way if she knew.

I’ve heard and read a lot of stories where the mothers of trans kids especially trans girls are like totally freaked and adamant that their son is not a girl.

And I know a lot of parents that freak are religious types and stuff but there’s a lot that aren’t as well and there’s lots for me to be afraid of.

And Parker would just likely disown me and never talk to me again at best or just like try and kill me or something.

We share another squeeze her and I and she’s mom-crying as we pull out and I drink my coffee as we hit the TCH and head for Halifax.

I was going to put some tunes on to drown out the trip but instead dad decides to brush me up on my Spanish so I’m at least not likely to be rude to Tomas’s parents and other relatives that I meet while I’m staying down there.

Okay that turns out to be okay as Dad actually doesn’t suck at it and he seems to know at least what he’s talking about.

I know a little myself and I’m sure I’ll pick up more too once I’m living down there but it does kill the time even though Dad still ends up being a spaz and doing stuff like asking where the library is and who cut the cheese.

Halifax airport’s small but it’s still pretty cool because it’s the first time I’ve been in it and it’s the first time I’ve been in an airport actually and we’re there with enough time for pre-boarding and instructions from Dad about what I need to do once I land in New York for the hundredth time and some from the airline lady who actually calls ahead to their desk there about me since I’m flying as a minor.

It takes a lot for me to not get all crowded feeling and pressured by everything that’s going on that’s not me actually having any say in doing any of this stuff.

Which gets me angry.

But I’m not really allowed to be angry, so I bury it and close off once we’re done and I wait with Dad until my flight with my headphones on mostly and blasting Within Temptation, Stormfront, and a whole lot of Nightwish getting a few looks from dad as I listen to mostly woman rockers and metal singers and stuff.

And then it’s time for my flight and he walks me to the gate and we hug really hard and then I’m getting shown to my seat and the plane gets filled pretty quickly and then we’re off.

Going down the runway, picking ups speed, then there’s the tilt up and back and I can actually feel that disconnect from the ground through the wheels as they’re pulling up and away.

It’s actually one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt.