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Chapter 1: Looking for a job  

Following the instructions sent to me by my Aunt Emma, I alighted from the train at Havant station, which is about five miles before its ultimate destination at Portsmouth. There were several other passengers who got off at the same time as me and so I let them sort themselves out and make for the station exit before looking for my aunt, who had promised to meet my train and drive me to her home in Waterlooville nearby. At first there was no sign of her, but after a minute or two, I caught sight of her, together with my cousin Carol, hurrying down the steps of the station footbridge.

‘Hello Alex, and welcome to Hampshire! I can’t in all honesty comment on how much you’ve grown since I last saw you, but you look well enough,’ she said as she approached me and gave me a welcoming kiss on the cheek.

‘Hi Aunt Emma; hi Carol,’ I replied to them both.

‘It’s good to see you again,’ she continued.

She did at least sound as if she meant it, which was an improvement on the somewhat frosty send-off that I’d received from my own parents earlier in the day, after yet another of our family rows concerning my future..
‘Sorry if we’re a little late, but I couldn’t find anywhere to park. I trust you had a trouble free journey?’ she continued.

‘No problem at all, thanks,’ I answered, ‘I arrived at Heathrow two and a half hours ago, took the bus to Woking and, as you suggested, then caught the Portsmouth train from London. It’s good of you to let me stay with you for the summer.'

‘That’s all right, my dear, we’ve plenty of room since Susan has left.’

(Susan is Carol’s older sister who had recently left home to go and stay with her father in Southern France.)

‘I’ll warn you, though that Waterlooville isn’t the most exciting place on this earth,’ she continued.

‘I’m sure it will be preferable to staying with Mum and Dad in Bahrain. In any event, I’m hoping to find some work in Portsmouth.’

‘I’d prefer spending my summer sipping cocktails by the side of Red Sea, to working in Portsmouth,’ commented Carol.

‘It’s the Persian Gulf rather than the Red Sea and, believe me, the attractions of that place pretty soon wear off,’ I said, ‘especially during the summer months when the temperature regularly goes over forty degrees. I wouldn’t be able to find any work there and my parents would be forever wanting to know what I was planning to do with my life.’

‘Excuse my geography,’ said Carol with a smile as she picked up the smaller of my two suitcases, leaving me to carry the other.

Aunt Emma led the way back over the footbridge towards the station exit.

‘I gather from your mother that things haven’t been so good at home recently,’ she commented.

My aunt was good-natured but could be blunt at times.

‘You know what they’re like! If only they’d just leave me a little time and space to make up my own mind about my future,’ I replied, sighing.

‘Yes, I gather that your mother was not best pleased with you when you decided not to apply for University, this year.’

‘Well I’d no idea what subject I wanted to study,’ I replied.

‘But you’re supposed to be the clever one in the family – the one who finished his ‘A’ levels a year early.’

‘Maybe, but there would be no point in my starting a university course only to decide to give it up a few months later,’ I replied.

‘So what is the latest situation?'

‘Mum and Dad have reluctantly accepted that I shall not be going to University this coming September but feel they will be able to bully me into applying for one next year. In the meanwhile, I would like to try and earn a little money during the summer and maybe do a little travelling for a while.’

I didn’t say what was really in my mind; that there comes a point when working hard and doing what your parents wanted could no longer disguise the fact that there were things fundamentally wrong in your life: things that were not going to go away merely because you had grown up. Instead I turned to my cousin in an attempt to change the subject of the conversation.

‘How have you found university, Carol?’

She shrugged.

‘Fine, I’m enjoying my course in Sociology and Criminology at the University of Portsmouth.’ I’ve nearly finished my second year so I’ve been able to live at home and save money.’

‘Mum and Dad want me to do something more traditional at Oxford or Cambridge.’

‘If you can get a place and they are willing to pay your fees, I would go for it as it will be a means of putting off making any decision about what to do for another three years.’

I felt as if I’d been putting off making decisions about my life for as long as I could remember, but I didn’t say so.

‘How do you find the work?’

‘No problem - I’ve been having a great time. I just have a couple of assignments to finish and an exam next week and that’s it until the end of next September,’ continued Carol.

‘But it is only just May now.’

‘I know, awful isn’t it,' she replied, laughing. ‘A whole summer with no responsibilities.’

By this time we’d reached the car which was parked on a double-yellow line next to the station car park.

‘Get in quickly, you two, before I get a parking ticket,’ said my Aunt.

We loaded my cases into the boot of her car and began the four-and-a-half mile drive to her home.

'I don’t think you are likely to find any summer employment in Waterlooville, Alex, but we aren’t that far from Portsmouth and there are plenty of buses. I’ll be working in town tomorrow afternoon, if you like I'll call in at lunchtime to give you a lift and show you where to go.'

‘Thanks.’

During the drive to their home, the conversation inevitably turned to my future once again.

‘So what do you want to do with your life?’ Carol asked me with a smile.

‘Ideally I should like to work in the music industry, but Mum and Dad don’t approve of that'.

‘There are an awful lot of people who would like to do that.’

‘I know.’

‘So what do you play?’

‘I play the keyboards and also sing a little. I don’t have the looks to make a living as a singer, and keyboard players are ten a penny, but maybe I could find work as an arranger or a backing vocalist.’

I knew that this wasn’t going to happen as I uttered those words.

‘Our family always was quite musical,’ commented my Aunt, ‘Did you know that Carol sings in a group as well?’

‘No, I’d no idea,’ I replied.

‘It’s only a duo, since Alice walked out on us last week,’ corrected her daughter.’

‘Why did she leave?’ asked Aunt Emma. ‘I thought you three sounded pretty good together.’

‘Apparently we weren’t good enough for Alice. She felt the group wasn’t making any progress, so has gone up to London to make her fortune,’ replied Carol.

‘She was a little bit of a prima donna,’ commented Aunt Emma.

‘You aren’t kidding, but she has rather left us in the lurch,’ Carol replied.

She then turned to me.

‘It’s a pity you aren’t a girl, Alex, because we could do with a new backing singer, but I don’t think you would fit in as one of the Honey Bunnies, do you?’

‘I guess not,’ I replied, in answer to her question, with my cheeks colouring slightly, whilst thinking to myself ‘If only I could.’

‘But maybe you can help us with some of the new arrangements that we’ll need to make.’

‘I should be happy to help if I can.’

Soon after we arrived at the house and I was shown the bedroom that was going to be mine for the summer.

‘Susan has taken all of her stuff that she wanted to keep and l am storing the rest in a box under the stairs, so feel free to use any of the cupboards and drawers. I’m afraid that the furnishings are a little bit 'girly'. That’s what comes of having two daughters.

‘I’m sure I’ll be able to cope,' I replied, smiling.

The next day was a Friday and I quickly discovered that Aunt Emma was right in her prediction. There wasn’t going to be any work for me locally, although Portsmouth seemed to be a little more promising. I therefore accepted the offer of a lift in to the town after lunch and went to the local job centre where I put my name down. They were not much help but at least gave me the addresses of a couple of employment agencies and suggested that I might leave my details with them. I did as they suggested, and after the briefest of interviews at the first one I visited, I was offered a job at one of the McDonald’s restaurants in the town. I was told that I would first have to attend a basic food hygiene/health and safety course (the cost of which would be deducted from my wages) but could start almost immediately afterwards. Now that I was eighteen I would at least earn the minimum wage of just over five pounds an hour. It was a ‘zero hours’ contract but I was told that I could expect to be offered about thirty to thirty-five hours work each week, as required, between the hours of 5.00 am and midnight. This would at least enable me to contribute towards the cost of my upkeep and perhaps even provide me with a little pocket money whilst I looked around for something better. I wasn’t completely broke, Mum and Dad had given me a thousand pounds for my eighteenth birthday, although I’d promised them that I wouldn’t just fritter it away and that I would save up to get myself something special and then tell them what I’d done with it.

After my interview I got the bus back to Waterlooville and arrived just in time to help Carol prepare our evening meal.

‘How did you get on, Alex?’ she asked.

‘I start at McDonalds on Monday,’ I replied.

She gave me a patronising smile.

‘So you’ve found your first McJob!’

‘What’s a McJob?’

‘Hard boring work, poor pay, poor conditions and antisocial hours. But we’ve all done one of those at some time or another. I may even end up having to join you as soon as my exams are over.’

‘Is it really that bad?’ I asked. ‘At least it will keep me occupied and I’ll earn a little money.’

She shrugged.

‘Wait and see. At least you’ll get as much free coffee and hamburgers as you can eat! You never know, you may even find that you enjoy frying chips and flipping hamburgers.’

She then changed the subject.

‘My friend Bethany, from University, is coming over tomorrow morning and we’re going to try and rescue something from the wreckage of our singing careers. We have a two-hour gig in the function room of a pub in Portsmouth in just over a week’s time but at present we barely have enough material to fill half of that time. We’ve been rehearsing using a karaoke machine but you would be welcome to play the keyboards for us, if you like, and let us know what you think.’

‘Yes I should like to do that. Will you also need me when you come to perform?’

‘No, we should be alright for the performance, thanks. We are booked to appear alongside three session musicians who are fairly well-known locally.’

‘Yes of course’

‘By the way, Mum is going to be away for the coming weekend, staying with a friend, so we will be fending for ourselves.’

‘That’s no problem. Maybe I can get in some practice frying chips and flipping hamburgers.’

That evening I emailed my Mum and Dad to confirm that I’d arrived safely and had even found myself a job. I didn’t go into too much detail as I didn’t want to give them any more ammunition to use against me in our ongoing battle of wills. A minimum-wage job in a fast food restaurant would confirm all their fears about my ‘throwing away the opportunities that they’d worked so hard to provide for me’. There would be no acknowledgment about my own role or right to decide my future. The trouble was that I’d found the various secondary school exams I’d taken up to that point to be quite easy, and so they assumed that they'd been ideal parents. It was only recently I’d begun to lose any interest in my education and wonder what it was all for.

The following morning Carol and I had breakfast together and waited for her friend to arrive. I was then introduced to Bethany, a slim brunette, aged about twenty, with lovely long hair. The three of us spent a few minutes together discussing their programme before making a start. I quickly discovered that Carol was being unduly modest. The 'Honey Bunnies' (or at least what remained of them) weren’t bad performers. Their repertoire was a little limited, based on material that had been in the hit parade over the last few years – Adele, Christine Aguilera, Amy Winehouse – that sort of thing. Some of their material would now require new arrangements for two voices, but both Carol and Bethany were good looking and competent singers and performers. They were unlikely ever to get a recording contract, but there are far worse groups performing every weekend in clubs up and down the country. I was more than happy to play the keyboard for them and occasionally made suggestions which they seemed to accept in good part.

‘We are still going to need a couple more numbers to complete the programme. Do you have any other suggestions, Alex?’ asked Carol.

‘What about ‘Proud Mary?’

‘What’s that?’ she asked.

‘It’s a song, originally from the nineteen sixties, but there have been lots of more recent versions including one by Tina Turner. It is still quite modern sounding and I’m sure you would have heard it.’

‘Can you play it for us, please?’ asked Carol.

I did as she asked also singing the words, whilst adopting the falsetto pitch that I sometimes use as I thought this might give them a better idea of how to arrange the song,

‘Ah yes, now I recognise the tune, but how did you learn to sing like that?’ asked Carol.

‘Like what?’

‘Like a girl,’ she said, as if it were blindingly obvious.

I coloured slightly wishing that I had not done so.

‘I’ve always had a high-pitched voice,' I replied. ’I’m a tenor, but I can sing in the falsetto range.’

‘You sounded to me more like a contralto than a tenor, but a good one, all the same,’ said Beth.

‘I was just trying to sing a version in a pitch that would suit you two,’ I explained, blushing slightly.

'OK let's give it a try. You may join in as a backing singer if you like, Alex,' said Carol.

After a couple of rehearsals they were happy with the result and it became the first twentieth century song to be included in their repertoire. By the end of the afternoon, I’d made a couple of other suggestions from girl groups who had recorded during the 1960s and 1970s, some of which they knew, but hadn’t been aware of it. These could be used after a minimum of rehearsal. By the end of the day the girls were so pleased with the way things had gone that they offered to treat me to a meal rather than stay in to eat.

‘So where would you like to go?’ asked Beth.

‘Anywhere other than McDonalds,’ I replied, smiling.

'There’s quite a respectable carvery nearby, which is reasonably priced,’ suggested Carol, who was relieved that I hadn’t suggested anywhere more expensive.

Over dinner we continued to discuss their forthcoming performance and I soon discovered that Beth had taken over the role of organiser, following the departure of Alice.

‘You're a good musician and arranger, Alex,’ she said.

‘Thanks, it is nice to be appreciated,’ I responded. ‘My mum and dad see it as a distraction to my studies.’

‘We’re going to need to finalise the programme by tomorrow lunchtime and then email a recording to the musicians, so they can work out their arrangements.’

‘Won’t there be a rehearsal with the musicians?’ I asked.

‘Maybe, but they’ll decide that when they've heard the tape. Normally we just have a run-through and sound-check on Friday two hours before we are due to perform.’

‘Are the musicians any good?’ I asked.

‘Yes, in actual fact they are,’ Carol replied. ‘They're a local group with a really lame name – ‘The Pompey Players’ – named after the local football team.'

‘Oh, I see!’

‘But they’re competent musicians all the same.'

‘In that case, don’t be frightened to leave some space in some of the numbers for an instrumental solo. You don’t have to sing all the time, and all session musicians appreciate the opportunity to show what they can do. It will sound better that way and you won’t need quite so much material to fill the programme.’

‘Thanks for the advice.’

‘Would I be able to come and watch you on Friday, if I'm not working?' I asked.

‘Yes of course you can. We were also wondering whether you'd be willing to help us rehearse again tomorrow?’

‘I guess so; I’m not due to begin my work until Monday.’

‘That’s brilliant! Alex, you're a real star!’

I smiled, again pleased that my musical abilities were at least being recognised.

‘Maybe you could also think of a few more suitable titles for us at the same time.’

‘Alright, I’ll see if I can think of any tonight.’

‘Well don’t stay up too late, I’d like us to have an early start in the morning.

Once we got back to my Aunt’s house I left my cousin and her friend talking together whilst I made my way to my bedroom where I proceeded to do an internet search looking for suitable songs from the 1960s to the 1990s. I looked out for good strong songs for girl groups ranging from the Supremes to the Spice Girls. In no time at all I had come up with more than forty suggestions that were all within their vocal range. I went to bed about midnight thinking that it had been a most enjoyable day, even though I wouldn’t get to take part in the final performance.

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Chapter 2: A temporary appointment  

The following morning, I presented my list of suggested tunes to Carol over breakfast. She read it through, thanked me but said that she would prefer not to comment on any of the titles without Beth.

She appeared to be a little anxious about something.

‘When’s Beth coming?’ I asked.

‘She said she’d try to be here by about nine o’clock; she has something to ask you before we make a start,’ she said and began to clear the breakfast table.

‘Do you know what it’s about?’ I asked.

‘She’ll explain to you.’

With that my cousin disappeared into her bedroom where she remained until the doorbell rang a few minutes later. She emerged carrying a black dress on a hanger which she hung on a coat hook by the front door before opening it. Beth came in carrying a couple of packages.

‘Hi Carol, Good Morning Alex!’

‘Hi Beth, I’ve completed that list for you both to consider,’ I began.

‘Thanks, that’s great, we’ll discuss them later,’ she replied.

She put down her packages on the table and turned to Carol.

‘Have you spoken to him yet?’ she asked.

‘No, I was leaving that for you to do, as it was your suggestion.’

‘Spoken to me about what?’ I asked, now intrigued.

‘Well, Alex,’ Beth said carefully picking her words. ‘Carol and I were talking last night after you went to bed. We were really grateful for your help yesterday but we’re still a little anxious about this forthcoming gig.’

She hesitated for a moment looking for the right words, but then decided to take the plunge.

‘So, we wondered whether you’d like to become a temporary member of the ‘Honey Bunnies.’

Bethany’s announcement came as a complete surprise to me. I turned towards Carol to see her reaction, whether they were trying to wind me up, but she seemed to be avoiding my gaze.

‘Do they want me to appear in their line up as a boy, or as a girl?’ I asked myself.

I struggled to remain calm; to appear nonchalant.

‘I thought the ‘Honey Bunnies’ was supposed to be a girl group.’

‘So we are, but you have already demonstrated to us that you have a fine girl’s singing voice. We suspect that with a few artificial aids and adjustments we could have you looking like a passable girl as well - at least for the one performance.’

I struggled to get out a response.

‘What do you mean by artificial aids and adjustments?’

‘I’ve brought some clip in hair extensions with me which are roughly the same colour as your own hair and some shoes that should fit you. We also have the stage dress that Alice used to wear,’ she said pointing to the black dress that Carol had hung next to the door.

‘I can provide you with a bra and a pair of tights and we can use my makeup supplies,’ Carol added.

‘We’ll need to provide you with some boobs but I’m sure we will find a way of doing so convincingly,’ concluded Beth.

I needed a moment to think through the implications of what they’d just said and had to stop myself from appearing too eager.

‘You want me to stand up in front of a large audience and pretend to be a girl?’ I asked.

Beth nodded.

‘They have a drag show at the venue once a month but you're a far better singer than any of the regular performers. I also suspect you’ll look a lot more convincing as a girl than any of them as well. At least let us see how you look when you’re dressed as a girl. If you look ridiculous I promise that we’ll forget all about the plan.’

‘But Carol, what is Aunt Emma going to think?’

She shrugged.

‘I’ve no idea! Mum isn’t planning to be back until this evening, by that time we’ll have safely returned you to the state in which we found you, so she need never know.’

I didn’t respond, as thoughts raced around my brain. The whole idea was so far-fetched – a complete non-starter. There were so many potential problems. But there was no question that they needed some help and the idea of performing once again did have a certain appeal. If I were honest with myself this could be the opportunity I’d always been longing for.

‘Well Alex, what do you think of the idea?’ asked Beth, after a few seconds waiting for an answer.

‘As long as you promise that I’ll be back as a boy before my aunt comes home, I’ll be willing to see how I look, but I’m not making any promises about the performance next week.’

‘It’s a deal,’ she replied and both my companions appeared to be relieved.

Beth and Carol had clearly been working out a plan as they now sprang into action.

‘We’re going to need you to de-fuzz your legs and arms first of all. Carol will then loan you some underclothes and a pair of her tights.’

I went up to my bedroom and did as they instructed, using my electric razor. Fortunately, neither my limbs nor my face were particularly hairy.

‘A razor should be good enough for today, but we may need to use some depilatory cream on your armpits,' said Carol.

‘What if your mother notices?’ I asked.

‘She shouldn’t do so as long as you always wear a t-shirt around the house, and you’ll find that they grow back fairly quickly.’

Once we were finished Beth came in and attached some silicone breast enhancers just below my natural breasts and created a cleavage by pushing them together and wrapping several layers of transparent tape around my chest.

‘I trust this is going to come off without leaving a mark.’

‘Don’t worry, any marks will soon fade and in any event they won’t be visible under your t-shirt,’ she said.

Despite the enhancers, I still needed a little padding inside one of my cousin’s push-up bras but eventually appeared to have quite a convincing pair of boobs and even a cleavage. This was just as well, as the little black dress I was asked to put on had a fairly low-cut top. Nevertheless, it seemed to fit me quite well, apart from the slight appearance of a bulge between my legs.

‘Here, you’d better put this on,’ said Carol handing me a garment.

‘What is it?’

‘It is a home-made gaff made from the top of an old pair of tights and a sock with the toe cut off. It is used to tuck the offending article out of the way between your legs, and keep it there during the performance.’

‘Where did you learn about all this?’ I asked.

‘I looked it up on the internet last night. Advice for female impersonators.’

I did as I was told and was then handed a pair of tights and shown how to put them on. It was quite a nice feeling to have my smooth legs encased in the nylon hose.

‘Have you ever worn high-heels before?’ asked Beth.

‘No I don’t think so.’

‘That is apart from trying on my Mum’s shoes when I was younger and she wasn’t in the flat,’ I thought.

‘It's lucky that you have relatively small feet for a guy, and I have large feet for a girl. You can put these on now and I suggest that you keep them on. The more practice you can get wearing them the better.’

Before I was able to get any practice in the shoes I was asked to sit at the dressing table, but facing sideways so that Carol could do my makeup for me.

‘How long have you had those studs in your ears?’ she asked.

‘I had them pierced last summer,’ I replied.

(That was another thing that Mum and Dad had objected to.)

‘So there should be no difficulty in taking them out and replacing them with a pair of proper earrings.’

‘I’ve only ever taken them out once or twice, but I guess that there will be no problem.’

‘Good, I’ll put in a pair of my pearl drops for now but when it comes to the performance we can all wear a pair of matching chandelier style.’

I wasn’t used to removing and replacing my studs, but I found that the holes had fully healed and it was not such a difficult task to do so. Beth then proceeded to clip in the various hair extensions she had bought.

‘These will take a little time to put in correctly and so we’ll probably need to help you to get ready next Friday evening,’ she said.

‘I haven’t said that I’m going to do it yet.’

‘You will do once you see the finished job.’

'Can I watch what you're doing?' I asked.

'Alright. I guess that you are going to need to know how to do this for yourself.'

Over the next twenty-five minutes or so I watched in the mirror, transfixed, as Carol gradually transformed my face into that of an attractive young woman. She began with my cheeks and then moved on to my eyes, brows and lashes and finally my lips. She used a variety of different cosmetics in bottles, tubes, powders and applicators. Whilst this was going on Beth was working on my hands, pushing back the cuticles, applying acrylic finger nail tips, and holding them in place until they set securely. Once they had set, she applied little blobs of acrylic to the remainder of my nails and then smoothed them down and polished them until it was no longer apparent that they were artificial

‘You have quite slim hands for a guy, you really should have been a girl,’ she commented in a matter of fact way.

I wasn’t sure what to say in response to that comment.

‘I suffered from chronic asthma as a young teenager and this appears to delayed my puberty which is why I’ve remained at five foot five with a fairly high pitched voice and small hands and feet. However, the doctors say that I’m alright now and will probably catch up over the next year or two although I’m unlikely now to grow any taller.’

‘That's the ideal height for our purposes. So long as your voice doesn’t suddenly start to break over the next fortnight - that would be a disaster.’

‘I don’t think that’s likely to happen, I think I’m probably stuck with a relatively high-pitched voice.’

Beth now started to paint lacquer on my new nails.

‘You're sure that you'll be able to get these off in time tonight,’ I said.

‘Yes don’t worry. Just soak the nails in acetone for a few minutes and the acrylic, the tips and the polish will all come off together.'

At last, at 11.15 the girls expressed themselves to be satisfied with their work, and I was helped into the black dress, and given a necklace to match the earrings.

‘Come and have a look at yourself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom,’ suggested Carol.

‘Well, young lady, so what do you think of yourself?’ asked Beth.

I didn’t answer, but just stared at my image in the mirror. To say that I was impressed, or even amazed, would have been an understatement. I looked like the totally convincing young woman that I’d always felt myself to be deep inside my soul.

‘Well?’ asked Carol.

‘I guess I do look ok,’ was all I could manage to reply.

Beth and Carol exchanged glances at one another, but I’d no idea what they were thinking about.

‘So what are we going to call you when you're dressed as a girl?’ asked Beth

‘I don’t know,’ I responded, still in a state of shock.

‘Well for a start it has to be Alexandra’ rather than ‘Alexander’ but that is a bit of a mouthful, and we can’t call you ‘Alex’. How about ‘Xndra?’ suggested Carol?’

‘You could call me Sandy, I guess,’ I said.

‘No Sandy can also be used as a boy’s name. How about Ally?’

‘I don’t mind Ally,’ I replied, this time adopting a slightly higher pitch.

‘Your voice has changed!’ said Beth.

‘Well if I’m going to be dressed like a girl I may as well try to sound like one as well.’

‘Alright so that's agreed then Ally, now that we know you look and sound like a girl we’d better make sure that you can still sing whilst you're wearing a dress and high-heels.’

Over the next hour we all became convinced that I was going to be a useful addition to the Honey Bunnies and not just as a backing singer. There was no further discussion about my taking part in the next gig thereafter, it was simply taken for granted by all concerned. We spent the next three hours going through our repertoire, adapting the songs to three voices where necessary and taking it in turns to take the lead. We also went through my list of suggestions and found seven or eight that we all knew. Bethany or Carol sang the more modern tunes, and I led with some of the twentieth century classics which we’d selected from my list. Yet we all supported one-another and our voices sounded well together so we came up with a well-rounded performance. Eventually we finalised our programme and made a digital recording with brief musical interludes where we wanted the musicians to improvise.

‘So what do you think, Carol?’ asked Beth as we listened to the recording.

‘I think it’s great, it’s the best we’ve ever done,’ she replied.

‘How about you, Ally?’

‘Yes, it sounds pretty good to me,’ I replied.

I didn’t add that I couldn’t remember ever having enjoyed myself so much before.

At five o’clock this was emailed to the leader of the Pompey Players together with an explanation of what we hoped to achieve.

‘OK, you had better help me to get changed now, before my aunt gets back,’ I said to Beth.

‘Yes, of course. I think we’ll need one more practice session and we’ll also have to help you to get ready on Friday night, but we can do that at my place if you like,’ said Beth.

‘Yes I’d prefer that Aunt Emma didn’t know about this as she’s in regular contact with my Mum.’

True to their promise Bethany and Carol had changed me back into a young man by the time Aunt Emma arrived from her weekend away. My boobs were unstuck, leaving a little bit of a mark behind, but which would soon fade, and my nether regions were allowed their freedom once again. The false nails and false hair that I’d been wearing were removed and my earrings replaced by my usual plain studs. I also reverted to my normal voice. I still felt a little different, conscious of my smooth arms and legs, but my Aunt didn’t seem to notice any change in me or ask what we’d done over the weekend. She was more concerned with my plans for the following week.

‘What time do you start your job tomorrow, Alex?’ she asked.

‘Nine o’clock.’

‘How will you get there?’

‘I’ll be able to get a bus tomorrow but will have to walk on those occasions when I’m on a late or very early shift.’

‘You can borrow Susan’s bike if you like, it’s in the garden shed.’

‘Thanks very much.’

I completed the first eight hours of my McJob undergoing my hygiene and safety training. I would begin in earnest the following day and was told to report in at 5.30 am on Tuesday-Thursday as this was a quiet time when I could be shown the ropes without the daytime rush. It was a gruesome time to have to cycle in to work, but at least it meant that there would be no danger of clashing with any rehearsal for the Bunnies on Thursday or our performance on Friday. The restaurant manager stressed that what he was looking for in his staff was willingness to work hard and be flexible. He trusted that we would be flexible with our hours and in return he would do his best to accommodate any commitments we might have.

The work was not difficult but boring and things could get hectic at breakfast time and during the lunch time rush. Our hours were cleverly organised and there were three compulsory but unpaid half hour breaks which meant that the morning shift did not finish until 2.30 pm after the lunchtime rush, and the afternoon shift started at midday. I quickly discovered that the appeal of having as many hamburgers and as much coffee as I wanted quickly wore off. I also asked the manager about arrangements for me to be paid and was told that I’d receive my wages at the end of a fortnight. Payments would be made to me by an agency, who would charge me an administrative fee (deducted from my wages) for doing so.

‘Is that legal?’ I asked one of my new colleagues at work. ‘I thought we had to get the minimum wage.’

He smiled.

‘Welcome to the real world. They expect total dedication and flexibility on your part, but just wait until you want them to do something for you.’

Beth called round to see us on Wednesday evening after I’d finished work.

‘The guys say that they liked the tape but are asking for a rehearsal tomorrow evening. Alex can get changed at my house if he wants, and I’ve already told Mum that we’ll be getting ourselves ready there on Friday afternoon. Dad has promised to give us a lift in to the venue.’

‘That’s just as well as my Mum is likely to be at home,’ said Carol.

‘So will you be telling the musicians about me?’ I asked.

‘They already know that we’ve recruited a substitute for Alice’, said Beth.

‘But will you tell them about Alex?’

‘No I think that might worry them. It will be best if we keep Alex on a ‘need to know basis’ said Beth.

‘I agree,’ said Carol.

‘What is Ally going to wear for the rehearsal?’ asked Beth.

‘That’s a good point. We don’t want her spoiling the stage costume. I expect I’ll be able to find her something of mine to wear, if she can borrow your shoes,’ said Carol.

It sounded odd, but in some respects it was quite nice to hear the other me referred to as ‘she’ and ‘her’. It helped me to keep separate the two identities.

‘What time will you finish work tomorrow, Alex?’ Beth asked.

‘I should be back here by three.’

‘If you both come to my place as soon as you get back we’ll be able to get you changed into Ally before Mum and Dad get home from work – that way there’ll be no awkward questions for us to answer.’

‘As long as you're sure you know what you're doing,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry everything will be fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

---

 

 

---

 
Chapter 3: The new Bunnies  

Bethany’s plan for Thursday afternoon worked very well. By a quarter to four Carol and I had arrived at her house, each carrying a suitcase. Inside there was a black shirt-dress and some underclothes loaned to me by my cousin for the rehearsal, together with high-heels and the hair extensions previously supplied by Beth. There were also the black stage costumes that we were planning to wear the following night. By six o’clock my colleagues had once again transformed me into Ally. My boobs were strapped up and penis tucked safely out of the way. My hair extensions inserted and styled and my makeup applied, including a new set of nail tips. I began to feel like Ally once again.

Ten minutes or so after we had finished we heard Beth's parents return home.

‘Ally, would you like to come down and say hello to Mum and Dad?’ asked Beth.

‘It would be polite to do so,’ added Carol.

‘Are you sure it is going to be alright?’ I said, conscious that they would be the first people to meet Ally, other than my two companions.

‘Just stick to your ‘Ally’ voice and act naturally; everything will be fine.’

I followed them downstairs, treading carefully and feeling very self-conscious about the way I looked.

‘Mum, Dad, this is Carol’s cousin, Alexandra, who’ll be filling in for Alice at the performance tomorrow.’

‘Nice to meet you, dear, Beth has been telling us what a good singer you are,’ said her Mum.

‘Thank you,’ I said blushing slightly, ‘but we’ll have to see how we get on at the rehearsal tonight.’

‘If you don’t mind we won’t stop for dinner as we still have a number of things to do,’ said Beth.

‘You go ahead girls,’ she replied.

‘Dad, can you give us a lift to the rehearsal tonight as well as tomorrow?’

‘I suppose so. Let me know when you’re ready.’

The ‘Pompey Players’ proved to be three fairly average looking young men, trying hard to look like a heavy metal band, but not quite succeeding. The founder of the group was James who was tall and spotty and played lead guitar. Thomas, who played the drums, had long hair and a spider’s web tattooed on his neck. Finally, George was a shortish but otherwise a quite nice looking guy, who played the keyboard. I was introduced to them as ‘Ally’ and they were all welcoming to me and didn’t appear to display any suspicions regarding my origins. At first sight I wasn’t terribly impressed and wondered whether they would be in the same league as the ‘Bunnies’, who appeared somewhat more sophisticated than the guys but any doubts were quickly dispelled once they began to play. They were all good musicians and ready and willing to contribute to the overall performance, rather than just remain in the background. As I’d suggested, they were more than happy to add several instrumental solos or flourishes to enhance our performance as singers.

We worked through our proposed programme without any serious hitch and were satisfied that everyone knew what they would be doing on the night. By 10.30 pm we were all pleased with the way things had gone and the guys suggested that we might adjourn to the local pub. Beth turned down the offer explaining that her Dad would soon be coming to collect us, so we stayed where we were chatting pending his arrival. At one point, George came over to me and spoke quietly.

‘I was impressed by the recording that Beth emailed. To be honest, we were a little anxious about tomorrow night’s gig when we heard that Alice had left ‘the Bunnies,’ but you’re exactly what they need to strengthen the line-up and to increase their repertoire.’

‘That’s nice of you to say so, but I’m only a temporary replacement for Alice,’ I replied, blushing a little, although quite pleased to find that my contribution had at least been recognised.

‘That’s a pity, but at least you will be performing tomorrow evening.’

‘Oh yes, I’m looking forward to it,’ I replied.

‘Me too!’ he said and smiled at me.

He had a nice smile. I wondered whether Alex would have even noticed, but on the other hand, perhaps George wouldn’t have smiled at Alex in the same way.

Beth’s father turned up at eleven o’clock: Carol and I got in to the back seats of his car with Beth in the front.

‘As it’s fairly late I’ll drive you and your cousin straight back to your house, if you like, Carol,’ he offered.

‘That’s alright thanks, Mr Jones, Ally and I have left all our stuff in Beth’s bedroom. We can easily take a taxi.’

‘That’s no problem, we’ll go back and collect your belongings and then I’ll drive you home.’

Carol didn’t answer: Beth turned to look at us and I’m sure that she noticed the look of horror that was on my face. What was I going to say to Aunt Emma when I arrived home wearing one of her daughter’s dresses, together with hair and nail extensions and full makeup?

‘Actually, Dad, I was planning to ask Mum whether Carol and Ally could stay at our place for tonight. Neither of them will be working tomorrow and we still have plenty to do to get ready for our performance tomorrow night.’

‘Will that be alright with your Mother, Carol?’ he asked.

‘I’m sure it’ll be fine but I’ll phone her to let her know where we are.’

‘How about your parents, Ally?’

‘They’re both in Bahrain, but I’m sure they would be alright about it so long as Aunt Emma is happy.’

‘Alright in that case we can go back to our place and make the necessary arrangements.’

Beth’s mother was happy to have us stay in their spare-room, but pointed out that we would have to look after ourselves in the morning as they would both be leaving for work by 8.00am. Carol rang Aunt Emma to explain that we would be staying with Beth but we would call round later the following day for a change of clothes. She also said that Alex had agreed to help them set up the equipment ready for the evening’s performance at the Red Lion.

‘Doesn’t he have to work tomorrow?’ Aunt Emma asked.

‘No, he’s not needed again until Saturday lunch time.’

‘So when will I see you both?’

‘Saturday morning, I guess. I’ll phone you sometime tomorrow just to reassure you that we haven’t been kidnapped and sold into slavery.’

‘I’ll need to find you both some bedclothes for tonight,’ said Beth. ‘Carol, you can wear a pair of my pyjamas. Ally, there’s a nightdress and housecoat set that was bought for me last Christmas by my gran, and which I’ve never worn. They are a little bit girly for my taste, but girly is what you should be aiming at for the next twenty four hours.’

‘I suppose I don’t have much choice but will one of you help me to take off this makeup please.’

‘Alright, but we’ll leave your nail tips in place to save time tomorrow,’ said Carol.

‘Have you thought about how and where I’m going to get changed back to Alex after the performance tomorrow night?’ I asked.

‘I’m afraid that Mum and Dad are likely to be in,’ said Beth.

‘So will my Mum,’ said Carol.

‘Would I be able to get changed at the venue, after the performance?’ I asked.

‘No, I think that might be too risky as you might be seen by one of the lads,’ said Beth. ‘There is a shed at the end of our garden which is some way from the house. You can probably get changed in there. We’ll leave the back gate unbolted and put Alex’s clothes and some makeup remover pads in a bag ready for you to use. I’ve already told Dad that we’ll be getting a lift home from the venue, but instead we’ll take a taxi. I’ll go in first to make sure that my parents are asleep in bed and then I’ll text you that the coast is clear for you to go and get changed.’

‘As long as we don’t get arrested for attempted burglary,’ said Carol.

‘I don’t think that’s likely to happen. The shed is not visible from my parents’ bedroom and is really only overlooked by my own bedroom and the spare room.’

‘Life can get really complicated when you try to switch between male and female,’ I commented.

‘Maybe so, but it also makes for a more interesting time,’ said my cousin smiling.

‘Good morning, ladies, and how are we feeling today?’ Beth asked as she came into the spare room on Friday morning and handed us both a cup of tea.

I sat up and became aware that I was wearing a lacy nightdress, had long lacquered artificial finger nails and had long hair tied up with a ribbon.

‘Alright, I guess, but I’ll be glad when today is over and done with,’ I replied, once again using Ally’s voice.

‘Really, I got the impression that you enjoyed yourself at the rehearsal last night,’ said Carol.

‘The rehearsal was fine, but I was petrified afterwards when it looked as if I might have to arrive at your house dressed as Ally.’

‘Well my parents have already gone to work and so you have no need to worry again until this evening.’

‘So what is the plan for today?’ I asked.

‘I have to do some shopping after breakfast, so you two are welcome to come with me, or else stay behind,’ replied Beth.

‘We’ll go with you,’ said Carol without consulting me.

‘Alright, when we get back we can indulge in a little beauty therapy before we get ready for the evening.’

‘What do you mean by beauty therapy?’ I asked.

‘Last weekend we only shaved your arms and legs. I think the time has come to give them a waxing, if we are going to do things properly. Maybe we could tidy up your eyebrows a little as well and show you how to put on some false eyelashes.’

‘Will I be going shopping this morning dressed as Alex or Ally?’

Beth looked at me as if I’d asked a stupid question.

‘Well if you want to go out dressed as a boy wearing those girly finger nails and long hair, you are welcome to do so, but I think that might attract some attention, don’t you?’

‘Come on Ally, you can wear my shirt-dress once again,’ said Carol. ‘Also I think it is time you had your first makeup lesson whilst Beth prepares us some breakfast. From now onwards there must be no more mention of Alex until tomorrow morning. Is that agreed?’

‘I guess so, but do I have to wear the heels again? My legs were beginning to ache after the rehearsal.’

‘I’ll loan you a pair of my flats for today, but you’ll have to wear the heels again this evening for the performance.’

‘Yes, of course.’

Carol was right; living as a girl rather than a boy was a lot more complicated but it was also more fun. I had a great time during remainder of the day and I felt as if I’d become an accepted member of the Honey Bunnies. We completed Beth’s shopping and Carol and I each bought a new pair of knickers, a bra and a pair of tights, ready for the evening’s performance – sharing the cost of a ‘two for the price of one’ special offer. We returned to Beth’s house where the three of us proceeded to have the hair from our arms and legs removed, our hands and faces creamed, and our nails buffed. By 7.00pm there were three attractive young ladies in tight, low cut, black dresses showing off some cleavage, high heels and sexy looking makeup. I’d made a start on my own makeup, but the finishing touches, including the false eyelashes, were done by my colleagues. I was also given a pair of gold coloured chandelier style earrings which Carol had to put in for me as I was still unused to having longer finger nails. She also handed me a matching pendant with a bunny rabbit and the letter ‘A’.

‘We bought three matching pendants for Alice, Beth and Carol. I’m glad that you have adopted the name Ally as the idea still works.’

‘Thanks, but would you mind fixing the clasp for me?’

It had taken a deal of time and trouble to get the three of us looking the way we did, but as I checked myself in the mirror I couldn’t help but think that it was worth it. Especially as in my case this was likely to be the only opportunity I would have of looking so good.

‘Wow, just look at you three,’ commented Beth’s mother. ‘You all look lovely!’

‘Thanks very much, Mrs Jones,’ said Carol.

I smiled and felt good to be included in such a compliment.

‘Now are you sure you’ll be alright for a lift home tonight?’

‘Yes thanks, Dad, if you can take us in to the Red Lion now you won’t have to worry about us for the rest of the evening.’

‘Alright but make sure you telephone me if you find that you need a lift. I don’t like to think of young girls being out on their own late at night.’

We arrived at the venue just as the Pompey Players were unloading and beginning to set up their equipment.

‘Hi, guys,’ said Beth. ‘Is everything ok?’

‘I think so, but we’ll do a quick sound check before the audience arrives.

‘In that case we’ll adjourn to our dressing room to check on our hair and makeup,’ she replied.

This was going to be the first appearance of the Honey Bunnies in several weeks and a number of those involved in the local music scene were aware that there had been a change in the line-up and were intrigued to see how we would get on.

Beth began the set with ‘I don't feel like dancin’ by The Scissor Sisters with Carol and myself on the chorus. This was followed by The Sugababes number ‘Push the button’ this time led by Carol, with Beth and myself backing. These had been heard before and were part of their normal repertoire. It was now my turn to lead with the Britney Spears number from the nineties, ‘Baby one more time.’ This seemed to go down quite well with the audience, and George caught my eye and smiled his approval. These were followed by our versions of the Lady Gaga song ‘Bad Romance’ sung by Beth, and the Rihanna number ‘Rude Boy' by Carol. It was now my turn with my arrangement of ‘Where did our love go?’ from the Supremes, which dates back to 1964, before my parents were even born, but has been recorded at least a dozen times since it was revived by the Spice Girls in 1998.

By the mid-point in the evening, when we took a break, we had completed fifteen numbers dating from the 1960s to 2012, all of which had seemed to go down well with the audience, some of whom had been dancing, whilst others stood to watch.

‘You’re singing really well, Ally, but try to move around a bit more in time to the music like your colleagues,’ suggested George as we came off the stage.

‘That’s all very well for you to say, but I’m not exactly used to prancing around the stage wearing high heels and a dress,’ I thought to myself.

‘Thank you,’ I replied. ‘You’re not doing too badly yourself.’

I then gave him a nice smile and disappeared into our dressing room where I was hugged and congratulated by Beth and Carol who also seemed both pleased and excited by the way things had gone.

The second half of our performance seemed to go just as well as the first, with a mix of fifteen songs from the last five decades. I think it would be fair to say that we all performed pretty well, especially so the musicians, who made all the difference. As soon as we’d finished there were plenty of people who wanted to congratulate us, ask questions about the group or suggest further numbers for us to include in our next show. However, now that I’d done my duty as far as my cousin and her friend were concerned, I was quite anxious to get changed back into Alex and get back to my Aunt’s house safely without her having discovered about ‘Ally’. Carol and I therefore retreated to our dressing room leaving Beth to deal with any last enquiries. My cousin helped me to quickly remove the false nails, earrings and false eyelashes, as these were best taken off when there was plenty of light but I retained my costume, hair and the remaining makeup until we got back to Beth’s house. As soon as Beth was able to withdraw from the throng of those wishing to offer their congratulations we sneaked out the back door and took a taxi to her home.

‘Well done Ally, you were wonderful tonight,’ said Carol in the taxi going to her home.

‘I think we were all pretty good,’ I replied.

‘Yes, but you were the newcomer, in more ways than one,’ she replied indicating with her eyes that she couldn’t say anything more without being overheard by the taxi driver.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t get to thank and say goodbye to the musicians, they were very good,’ I commented.

‘They had plenty to do packing up after the show but if you like I’ll pass on your thanks when I next speak to them,’ said Beth. ‘I’ll need to arrange to pay them as soon as I’ve received our fee.’

‘How much will we get for tonight’s efforts?’ asked Carol.

‘After deducting our expenses, paying for the band and the taxi there should be forty pounds each.’

Given the amount of time and trouble that we’d invested into the performance, it was clear that being one of the Honey Bunnies paid substantially less well than the McJob. On the other hand there was no question in my mind as to which was the more interesting one to do.

---

 

 

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Chapter 4: The Bunnies in Demand  

The plan to turn me back into Alex after our performance worked without a hitch. I changed my clothes and cleaned off all traces of the makeup with Carol’s help whilst Beth stood guard at her bedroom window. Within an hour my cousin and I were walking home each carrying a suitcase containing our stage costumes.

‘Well, cousin Alex, have you enjoyed your first ten days of life in Hampshire?' she asked.

‘It has certainly been different from what I’d expected, but it has been good fun,’ I replied now adopting Alex’s usual voice.

'I'm glad, and thanks again for saving the day for us.'

Aunt Emma didn’t display any suspicions when Carol and I came down to breakfast on Saturday morning; she merely asked what we’d been doing the previous day, when I was due to work again and whether or not I would be home for meals. I explained that I’d enjoyed the performance at the Red Lion the previous night and that we’d had a great time. Of course I didn’t say anything about my having sung as part of the group.

We had arranged for Beth to come round at ten o’clock, to discuss the previous evening’s performance. As soon as she arrived she handed us both £40. My Aunt was getting ready to leave to go shopping, so I went to her and offered my share as a contribution to my keep, but without saying where the money had come from. She kept one twenty pound note and returned the other to me.

‘I won’t take all of your money Alex, but you can pay me £40 a week once you start earning on a regular basis.’

She drove off towards Portsmouth and I returned to Beth and Carol.

‘Do you want me to begin with the good news or the bad news?’ asked Beth when I got back.

‘The bad news, I guess,’ said Carol.

‘We’ve had one negative tweet about last night, but also quite a number of good ones.

‘What does it say?’ Carol asked.

Beth showed it to us on her i-phone. It was under the heading ‘Good music at the Red Lion last night’.

The Pompeys were on excellent form last night. The new girl with Honey Bunnies is a looker and has a great voice but she needs some dance lessons!

Below there was a photograph of me wearing the little black dress, looking rather stiff and awkward. Carol, Beth and two of the lads were visible in the background looking more animated.

‘I just hope that Mum and Aunt Emma never get to see that photograph,’ I thought to myself.

‘There are a number of follow-up tweets from other members of the audience, one or two agreeing, but most of them saying what a good time they’d had and that it was good to see the Bunnies performing again,’ continued Beth.

‘Well if that’s the only negative comment, then it hardly counts as bad news,’ suggested Carol.

‘No, I suppose not, but it is something that we’ll need to bear in mind for next time.’

‘Next time?’ I asked.

‘Yes; that brings me to the good news. The manager of the Red Lion was so pleased with the way things went last night that he wants us to appear again next Friday evening and has even offered to increase our fee. I’ve spoken to the lads and they are free as well.’

‘But nobody said anything to me about a next time,’ I said.

‘You’re not due to be working next Friday are you?’ asked Beth in some alarm.

‘No, I’m not, but I’m wondering about the logistical problems of getting changed to Ally and back again without either my Aunt or your parents finding out.'

‘I’m sure we’ll be able to manage something,’ she said in a conciliatory tone. ‘We can always rehearse whilst the parents are at work, leaving the house before they return and you can always get changed in our garden shed after the show.’

‘I still think it might be risky,’ I murmured.

Beth continued, ignoring my reservations.

‘I should perhaps mention that it was one of the conditions of the booking that we all three perform. Apparently there was a rumour going around last night that you were only a temporary member of the Bunnies, but I assured him that it wasn’t true.’

I didn’t respond to this as I was unsure what I thought about the news.

‘We’ve already rehearsed several songs that we didn’t include last night but we’ll also have to come up with some new numbers in time for next week. I’ve promised to let the lads have a recording when we see them on Tuesday,’ she continued.

‘On Tuesday?’ asked Carol.

‘Sorry, I forgot to mention that The Pompeys have a gig on Tuesday night: it’s a ‘sixties revival’ evening. They’ve asked whether we’d be willing to do a guest spot featuring some of Ally’s songs from that era.’

I quickly looked at the time sheet I’d been given for the McJob. Fortunately I was due to work an early shift on the Tuesday morning and was not required at all on the following Friday, so there would be no clash.

‘Will they be paying us for Tuesday?’ asked Carol

‘We didn’t actually discuss a fee, but it is quite a compliment to be invited by them, and then they’ll owe us a favour. We won’t need to rehearse any new numbers for Tuesday, but maybe we could all practice a few dance steps together.’

‘But I’ve an exam on Monday morning, and will need to revise. How about you Beth?’ asked Carol.

‘My last exam is next Thursday afternoon but I’ve already done plenty of revision and will only need to go through my notes in the morning.’

‘What about you Ally?’

‘I’d rather you used Alex when I’m dressed like this,’ I replied.

‘Sorry! I’ll get the hang of things. But what are your commitments over the next few days?’

‘I’ll be working this afternoon and Sunday afternoon, then mornings from Monday to Wednesday, with Thursday and Friday off,’ I replied.

‘So how are we going to fit in rehearsals?’ asked Carol.

‘You carry on with your revision now. Alex and I can go through some dance steps together this morning and prepare one or two new arrangements of songs that we already know tomorrow morning, and also maybe a couple of entirely new numbers from Ally's list for her to sing. Then we should be able to meet up again at my place on Monday afternoon to record them for the lads.’

‘Do you have an electronic keyboard at your home Beth?’ I asked.

‘Yes, but I’m afraid you’ll have to come to my place in girl mode again on Monday if you don't want my parents to find out about Alex.’

‘I don’t mind that, but I’m just wondering what I’m going to wear.’

‘Don’t worry, I’ve washed the shirt dress and some underwear this morning so you should be able to wear those,’ suggested Carol, now warming to the plan.

‘What about on Tuesday, where will I get changed before we go to the gig?’

‘There’s no reason why we can’t all get changed here so long as we leave the house before Mum gets home from work,’ said Carol. 'My sister and I once got ourselves some sixties style miniskirts Ally and I could wear them .'

'I think I can probably borrow something suitable from my mum,' added Beth.

I felt a little bit as if I’d been hit by a bulldozer but both Beth and Carol now seemed so pleased about the way things had worked out that I didn’t like to raise potential obstacles. Aunt Emma wasn’t going to be back for a while, so Beth and I spent an hour going through some dance steps that she’d devised with me wearing high heels and a mini skirt. Afterwards I had to get changed and leave for my late shift at McJob. It wasn’t until then that I realised that we’d not made any arrangements for me to change back after our performance on Tuesday.

Saturday lunchtime proved to be very busy and I was grilling hamburgers for four hours non-stop before I had any break. However the mindlessness of the task did at least enable me to give some thought about possible numbers for the Bunnies to perform and how we might arrange them. I later jotted down a few ideas to discuss with Beth when she came round the following morning and briefly worked them out before going to bed

‘These are great, Alex; you really have a talent for popular music,’ said Beth to me after we’d finished our brief session on Sunday morning.

‘I do my best to please,’ I replied.

‘So I’ll see you and Carol at my place tomorrow afternoon.’

‘No it is Ally that you’ll be seeing tomorrow afternoon and also on Tuesday,’ I replied.

‘Yes so it is, I stand corrected,’ she replied smiling.

~o~O~o~

My McJob hours switched from the late shift to the early shift on Monday, consequently I arrived home from work at 3.30 on Monday afternoon, stinking of chips and anxious to have a quick shower and change my clothes. Carol was already waiting for me.

‘How did the exam go?’ I asked.

‘Alright, I think. At least I can be confident that I’ve passed the module because of the mark I got for my course work.’

‘So now what?’

‘I’ve finished my last exam and am a free agent until next term, but we’re unlikely to make much money from the Bunnies, so maybe I’ll have to flip hamburgers like you.’

I had a quick shower and Carol helped me to fix my boobs and hair extensions, whilst I made a start with my makeup, which she finished off for me.

‘I don’t think we need to bother with the nail tips today as we won’t be performing, but you’re going to need them again tomorrow.’

‘Which shoes shall I wear?’ I asked.

‘You may wear flats to walk to Beth’s house, if you prefer, but take the heels with us in case we have time to go through Beth’s dance routine after we’ve finished recording.’

Our plans for the Tuesday afternoon and evening rehearsal went well. We completed the recording and had time to practice some dance steps. Beth’s parents invited us to stay to dinner and gave no indication that they thought of me as anything other than one of their daughter’s friends. The only difficulty was when and how I was going to get changed back to Alex, and ultimately we had to hang around for an hour or so until it got dark and we could make our way to the garden shed unseen.

‘This is getting ridiculous, there must be some other way that I can get changed from Ally to Alex at night rather than creeping around people’s garden sheds,’ I complained.

‘What do you suggest, that we tell Mum about Ally?’ asked Carol, who was helping me unstick my boobs and remove the hair pieces whilst I cleaned off the makeup.

‘What do you think would happen if she found out?’ I asked.

‘I think she’d be alright about it, but the only danger is that she might feel duty bound to tell your mother.’

‘In that case we’d better stick with Beth’s garden shed,’ I replied, this time switching to Alex’s voice.

In the event, the problem was solved for me the following day. The three of us rather went to town with researching and then trying to create a suitable sixties look in terms of our dresses and makeup and succeeded in giving one another convincing beehive hairstyles, but in doing so we rather misjudged the time. We were just on the point of leaving the house ready to get a bus into Portsmouth when Aunt Emma pulled up in the car ten minutes earlier than she would normally be expected to do so. At first she smiled to see her daughter and two friends in 1960s dress leaving the house, but then seemed puzzled and finally looked quite stern as she worked out who the third young lady in the group was. Carol decided that the best form of defence was to attack.

‘Mum, we can’t stop to talk to you now; we’ve a bus to catch.’

‘You’re not going anywhere until you explain to me what is going on and why my nephew is wearing a miniskirt and high-heels.’

There was no alternative but for us to come clean, to tell her the full story about Ally and the triumph of the Honey Bunnies the previous Friday night. Her initial reaction was to be amused, but on second thoughts she started quizzing me.

‘You look most convincing as a girl, Alex, are you sure they haven’t forced you into doing anything against your will?’

‘No, Aunt Emm, I’ve been happy to help them and was pleased with our reception last week.’

‘Ally has been an enormous help to us, not only as a performer, but also as an arranger,’ added Beth.

‘But what are you doing now?’ she asked.

‘We’ve been invited to make a guest appearance at a show tonight.’

‘Mum, if we don’t leave soon we are going to miss the bus,’ said Carol interrupting.

‘Don’t worry about that,’ her mother replied sharply, ‘if necessary I’ll drive you there.’

‘Are you intending to tell your mother and father, what you’ve been doing, Alex?’

I blushed.

‘I’d rather not. You know what they’re like; Mum would be liable freak out and come over on the next plane.’

Aunt Emma could see the truth in what I said.

‘Does she have to be told?’ I asked.

‘I’m not sure about that, we’ll have to see. I won’t tell your mother an outright lie, but I need a little time to decide what I am going to tell her.’

‘I’m not asking you to lie but perhaps she doesn’t need to be told the whole truth, at least for the time being,’ I said.

‘We’ll have to see.’

We were on the point of leaving when Aunt Emma thought of something else to ask.

‘So when do I get to see the three of you performing together?’

‘I think tonight may be a private function, but we’re going to be at the Red Lion again on Friday evening; you’d be welcome to come along, if you wish,’ said Beth.

‘Alright then, I won’t make any decision about telling your mother until the weekend, Alex.’

‘Thanks, Aunt Emma. Will be it alright for me to practice as Ally from time to time in the meanwhile?’ I asked.

She sighed.

‘Yes, I suppose so, since you look so nice.’

‘Mum, if we don’t leave soon we are going to be late for the gig,’ said Carol.

‘Come on then, where do you need to go?’

The Bunnies contributed four numbers from the 1960s in a guest slot at the Pompey Players’ gig, with me taking the lead. Once again the guys seemed happy with our performance and also with the recording that we handed over to them containing the planned numbers for the coming Friday. After they heard it through James turned to me.

‘Hey, Ally, do you know the Carpenters’ number ‘Goodbye to love,’ from the early seventies?’

‘Yeah, I think so, that’s the one that finishes with a great guitar solo.”

‘That's right. I’ve practised that solo at home many times and I would really like to do it on stage one day, although I’ve never performed with a girl with a strong enough contralto voice before. George has made a great arrangement of it for guitar keyboard and drums. Do you think that you could manage the lyrics?’

‘I would have to look up the lyrics. It is not an easy song to sing as some of the lines are quite long, but I seem to remember the backing vocals are fairly straightforward – mainly oohs and aahs, if I remember right, but I hope you are not thinking that I will be able to sing as well as Karen Carpenter.”

‘No, but you have a fine clear voice and I’m sure that between us we could do a creditable rendition of the song.’

‘Well it will be up to the others to decide, I’m just the new girl around here.’

He turned to the others.

'What do you think, Beth?'

‘We have finalised the main programme for Friday, but I guess we could try it out as an encore, if Ally can learn the lyrics in time,’ she answered.

'I should have time to work out our parts so I'll have a go.' I said.

‘Thanks, Aly, that would be great,’ said James. 'Well practice the instrumental parts.'

The guys were just about to go back on for their final session.

‘If you three can hang around until the end of the session I’ll give you a lift home,’ offered George.

‘What do you think, girls?’ Beth asked.

'Why not?' said Carol.

We stayed on while the guys finished their performance and packed up their instruments as George had offered us a lift home.’

‘At least we won’t have to sneak round your garden shed to get changed this time,’ I whispered to Beth.

George brought us home soon after midnight, having first dropped off Beth at her house. I thanked him for the lift and he looked as if he was about to say something to me, but clearly thought better of it and wished us both goodnight, saying that he would see us on the coming Friday.

‘I think he may be getting sweet on you,’ commented Carol, with a smile, as we entered her house.

‘In that case he’s in for a disappointment,’ I replied, blushing.

Aunt Emma was still up when we got in.

‘So how did it go tonight?’ she asked.

‘Fine thanks,’ I replied.

‘And what plans do you have for tomorrow, Alex?’

I was about to reply but Carol butted in.

‘Mum, can we agree to call her Ally when she’s dressed like that, just in case someone should overhear’

My aunt frowned and I wished that Carol hadn’t made an issue of that point, particularly as my future was currently resting in her hands.

‘I just wanted to know whether it was going to be Alex or Ally when I get home tomorrow evening,’ she said a little tetchily.

‘Alex will be going to work until 3.00pm, but we were planning to have a rehearsal afterwards, although it probably won’t be necessary for me to dress up as Ally.’

‘Thank you. That was all I wanted to know. Goodnight then …. girls.’

‘Goodnight Mum/Aunt Emma,’ we replied in unison.

‘I don’t want you to antagonise her,’ I said to Carol after she left us, ‘I’m still a little anxious about what she might say to my mum and dad.

‘I don’t think you need to worry too much. If she was going to tell your mum and dad, she would have done so by now.’

Before going to bed I found a copy of ‘Goodbye to love’ on You Tube and emailed the link to Beth and Carol. I also downloaded a copy of the lyrics. It would be a difficult song to sing, with long lines and few opportunities to take breaths, but I could understand why James was so keen to use it to show off the skills of all three musicians, especially the lead guitarist.

The following morning I was called in to the manager’s office at the restaurant, soon after he arrived at 9.00am.

‘Alex, I’m going to need you for a late shift on Friday.’

‘But I’ll have completed my hours for this week by the end of this afternoon,’ I replied.

‘No problem, there’s no contracted maximum number of work hours in any one week. I can ask you to do an extra shift if I need to.’

‘Friday is going to be difficult for me. I don’t suppose I could do the extra shift tomorrow instead?’ I asked.

‘No we’re fully staffed tomorrow. Why can’t you come in on Friday? I trust you haven’t found a second job,’ he said.

(Although they didn’t guarantee us work, we were forbidden from taking alternative employment as this might prevent us from being available when we were needed.)

‘No but I’ve made arrangements to go out with some friends,’ I replied.

‘You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to go out with your friends.’

‘I’m sorry but it will be really difficult for me to work on Friday. Please can you find someone else for that duty?’ I said.

He looked at me sourly and I realised that I’d just gone down several points in his estimation.

‘I’ll try and get someone else to come in although Friday evenings are often difficult to staff. But if I can’t find someone to fill that gap I’ll expect you to come in. I’ll be texting the rotas for next week on Friday morning. I’ll let you know then if I need you to come in, but it would be as well to cancel any arrangements you have, just in case.’

With that I left the office and returned to my duties at the deep-fat fryer.

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Chapter 5: A problem - or no problem? 
I didn’t mention my potential clash at work when I saw Carol and Beth on Wednesday afternoon as I didn’t want to worry them whilst there was still a possibility that the problem might be resolved. We went through our new numbers one more time and decided that we were quite happy with them and in any event there was not a lot that could be changed at this late stage. We also tried out Goodbye to Love, using a karaoke track. I borrowed a skirt from Carol and the pair of heels from Beth and we practised a number of the dance steps together so that next time we appeared on stage I would no longer be quite so wooden. However, I reverted to Alex mode before Aunt Emma was due home as I didn’t want her to think that I was spending all my free time dressed as a girl. After dinner, the three of us adjourned to Carol’s room to discuss what we were going to wear on the coming Friday evening since Beth was not going to be available on the Thursday due to her exam.

The Bunnies had previously invested in two matching sets of stage costumes which Alice had left behind when she decided to withdraw from the group. There were the short, black, sexy-but-fairly-formal dresses that we’d worn the previous Friday and Tuesday, and another trio of fairly sparkly and very feminine looking dresses. These were strapless, made of light blue spandex with a sequinned bodice, with hems that came just above the knee and four tiers of flounces. I tried on this outfit and discovered that Alice’s dress fitted me without any difficulty, and would not betray my artificial boobs. There was however a problem with the matching high-heeled sandals which came with the dress. Alice’s shoes were a full size too small for me. I could only just get them on but they would be quite difficult for me to wear, especially if I were to be dancing in them. However, Beth came up with a solution. We already knew that her shoes fitted me without too much trouble, and she was able to wear Carol’s shoes which were a half size larger than Alice’s. Carol, in turn, could just fit into those of Alice.

Once we had satisfied ourselves that the second of the two stage costumes was going to be alright for the coming performance we changed back into our everyday clothes, with me reverting to Alex mode. Beth left us at nine thirty for the quarter mile walk back to her home, whilst it was still light. We both gave her a hug and offered our best wishes for her exam the following day. After Beth had left Carol turned to me.

‘So you don’t have to go in to work tomorrow, Alex?’

‘No, I’ve already completed all my hours for this week.’

‘I’ll have to go into Portsmouth tomorrow to put my name down at an employment agency. I was wondering whether Ally would like to come in with me and we could take a look around the shops together afterwards. Beth has left her pair of flat heels for you to borrow and I’ll find something suitable of mine for you to wear.’

‘I don’t know, Carol,’ I replied in an uncertain voice.

‘But I thought you enjoyed spending time as Ally.’

‘I do, but I’m just a little anxious about what your mother will think if I spend so much time dressed as a girl.’

‘Well, it’s up to you. Mum now knows about Ally, and as far as I’m concerned the more experience you can get as a girl prior to the performance on Friday the better.’

Then, as an afterthought, she added: ‘We can always get you changed after Mum has gone in to work and we’ll be home before she returns, if you prefer.’

‘Won’t one of your neighbours notice if I come and go dressed as both a boy and a girl.’

‘I doubt it – this neighbourhood tends to be like a dormitory during the day. But so what if someone does see you? You look entirely convincing when you’re dressed as a girl.’

I knew what she said was true.

‘Let me have a think about it tonight,’ I replied.

‘Alright then. If you change your mind and want to come with me, I’ll be leaving on the 10.30 bus and coming back at about 4.00pm.’

I retired to my room wondering why Carol’s invitation had been so specifically extended to Ally and not to Alex and what I thought about the idea. Also, I began to worry about what I was going to do if I were to be required for Mcduties on the coming Friday afternoon and evening.

‘What are you planning to do today, Alex?’ Aunt Emma asked me over breakfast the next morning.

‘I’m not working today so I thought I might have a look around Portsmouth,’ I replied.

Carol and I exchanged a glance over the breakfast table and she smiled.

‘I’ll be going in later, maybe we can go in together.’

‘Yes, thanks, Carol, I’d like that.’

‘So long as I know whether you intend to be back in time for dinner,’ said Aunt Emma.

‘No problem, Mum, we’ll be back before five, and I’ll start preparing the meal.’

As soon as Aunt Emma had left for work and we’d finished the washing up my cousin turned to me.

‘Ok, let’s get down to work. Nothing too girly for today - that can wait until tomorrow night. We just need to get you looking like a normal young lady out on a shopping trip. In fact, before my sister left she gave me a trouser suit and a blouse which would suit you.’

‘I’m in your hands.’

She smiled: ‘Maybe, but I think it is now time that you took some responsibility for your own hair and makeup.’

‘Are you sure that’s wise?’

‘Don’t worry I’ll keep a watchful eye on your efforts to ensure that there are no disasters.

In the event, there were no major problems. For a beginner I’d become reasonably proficient at putting on my makeup.

About eleven thirty-five, two smartly dressed young women alighted from the Waterlooville bus when it arrived at Commercial Road, Portsmouth. I felt and looked quite confident about the way I was dressed and there had been no untoward incidents or curious stares at me as we left the house or during the journey. Carol had loaned me one of her old handbags together with a hair brush and a powder compact. She had told me to keep an eye on how I looked, but without making it too obvious. We made our way to one of the employment agencies in the area, where Carol completed an application form. My cousin was nearly two years older than me and had some experience of working in retail, and so she was not merely given details of the McJobs available as I had been. She was offered an interview with a local supermarket the following Monday morning.

‘I suppose that’s a start,’ she commented to me without too much enthusiasm. ‘How about we now do something that’s a little more interesting?’

‘What do you have in mind?’ I asked.

‘Let’s go and have a look at some dresses.’

I did as she suggested and was happy to accompany my cousin as she proceeded to scour the racks in a number of dress shops in the town and try on half a dozen items. I was willing to give her my opinion as to how they looked and whether or not they suited her and for the first time I found that I was taking genuine interest in the detailed design and colour schemes of the clothes. At the same time I was conscious that, in other circumstances, Alex would have been far more hesitant about voicing any such opinion, and would probably not even have noticed.

‘Come on Ally, I think it is time you tried on some things, how about this one?’ said Carol handing over a summery pink number.

‘I don’t have the money available to buy any clothes at present,’ I replied.

‘Nor do I, but that’s all the more reason to try on things now, so that when we do earn a little money we’ll know what we to want to buy.’

By mid-afternoon, we’d each tried on half a dozen outfits but bought nothing. We then caught the bus back to Waterlooville Precinct where we called in to do some grocery shopping for my aunt in the local Asda supermarket, and were home by 4.30pm.

‘So have you enjoyed your day out as a girl?’ Carol asked.

‘Yes, I believe I have,' I admitted.

‘I thought so and I’ve enjoyed having your company as a girl cousin,’ she replied with a smile.

So it wasn't only related to the music. Carol seemed also to enjoy Ally's company.

I’d successfully transformed myself back to Alex, leaving no clues behind, by the time my aunt returned home shortly before six. In the meanwhile Carol had prepared our evening meal.

‘Will you be able to give the three of us a lift to the Red Lion tomorrow night as Beth’s dad is going to be busy,’ Carol asked her mother over dinner.

‘Yes, I guess so. Will you also need a lift home afterwards?’

‘Ally and I would appreciate a lift, but I expect Beth’s father will collect her at the end of the show.’

‘I’d like to see the three of you in action, but I probably won’t stay for the whole of the evening. I’ll take you there and then perhaps come back and watch the last half hour of your show.’

‘In that case come back for us at about 11.00pm and you won't have to pay to get into the show,’ said Carol.

My cousin rang Beth during the course of the evening, to see how she’d performed in her exam, and to confirm the arrangements about her coming over to the house the next morning. My two colleagues were now free of exams and had decided that the bulk of Friday 23rd May was going to be dedicated to getting the Honey Bunnies ready for their next show.

I’d still received no word from my McManager when Beth arrived at 9.45am on Friday morning. If I was going to have to work I’d be expected to start at midday – he was cutting it very fine to let me know if he wanted me to go into work that day.

‘Alright Ally, I think we’ll begin with your nails as the acrylic is going to take a little time to cure,’ Beth announced.

There was a beep from my telephone, and my friend stopped as I quickly read the message.

Alex – sorry but I have been unable to find a replacement for you so I need you at twelve today – I will then give your timetable for next week.

‘Is there a problem?’ asked Beth as she noticed me frown as I read the message.

I looked up and noticed the pretty dress that I was going to be wearing on a hanger on the wardrobe door and the sandals on the floor underneath. There was no question in my mind as to my decision. There was no way that I was going to let my colleagues down.

‘No problem,' I replied, 'I just need to send a quick text message to work before we make a start.’

I hurriedly tapped out a message.

Sorry – I did explain to you – I am unable to work today, Alex.

‘My manager can cook his own chips for once. It may mean the end of my McCareer but I have a far more interesting opportunity this evening, even it is only for one more day,’ I thought to myself.

As soon as the message was sent I turned off my phone and put it away. I wouldn’t be turning it on again until after our performance later that evening.

‘OK, I’m all yours,’ I said to Beth, smiling.

‘No Ally, we’re all equals today helping one another to get ready for this evening,’ said Carol.

Over the next eight hours I was shown how to help the others with their complexions, to de-fuzz their arms and legs, to manicure their hands and feet and style their hair, just as they did for me. It may seem a little far-fetched to suggest that three girls could spend so long in getting themselves ready to go out for an evening, but it was so. Yet it was also great fun and I found myself forming a closer bond with my cousin and her friend than I had ever done with anyone else before. It seemed unthinkable that I could have let them down by dropping out of a performance at the last minute. There was no longer any pressure from exams, jobs etc. only our forthcoming performance to look forward to.

Although I spent the whole of the day as Ally we did not put on our costumes until we were ready to go out. Therefore we were able to pop out to the Precinct to make a few minor purchases and have some lunch together. Then afterwards we went through our songs for the evening together with our newly perfected dance moves using a karaoke machine. Aunt Emma returned at 6.00pm and Carol called out to her mother that there was food ready in the oven for her, that we were busy getting ready and would be down in an hour.

Eventually we were all ready.

‘You go first, Ally, we’ll follow you,’ suggested my cousin.

I did as she said, feeling a little self-conscious, but also knowing that we all looked great. There was an audible gasp from Aunt Emma as we entered the room.

‘Well, Mum, what do you think of your niece?’ asked Carol.

‘I think you all three look absolutely wonderful. You looked good when I saw you on Tuesday, but even better now.’

We thanked her and there followed about five minutes of admiration and detailed discussion of our costumes.

‘What are you going to wear round your shoulders when you go out, Ally?’ asked my Aunt.

‘It’s quite warm this evening, I should be alright as I am,’ I replied.

‘But it won’t be so warm when you come home tonight. Wait a minute!’

She disappeared to her room and came back with a blue jacket for me to wear and also a shoulder bag.

‘Susan left behind a few things. She asked me to take them to a charity shop for her, but I haven’t had a chance to do so.’

'Thanks, Aunt Emma,' I replied taking them from her.

'I wouldn't want my niece to catch cold,' she replied with a knowing smile.

To describe the second show by the Honey Bunnies at the Red Lion as a success would be an understatement. We looked good and had by now mastered (if that is the right word?) our stage routine. I would never make a top rate dancer but at least I was able to move in time to the music along with the others. We also now had a somewhat wider repertoire stretching back over a fifty year period, and the musicians were more experienced in supporting us. But equally, the audience was larger than before and more appreciative. Word had clearly got round about our previous appearance. George came up to me just after we’d finished the first half.

‘That was wonderful, Ally, I’m so glad that you’ve decided to stay with the Bunnies.’

‘You three provided us with great support, but I’m not the only singer, so make sure you say something nice to the others as well.’

‘I will do so, but you’re the one that gives the group something extra.’

Midway through the second half of our show I noticed Aunt Emma join the audience and I was pleased that we continued to be on good form until the end, and that she was there to witness the enthusiastic applause we received. As expected, there were several calls for an encore. James looked expectantly at me.

‘Goodbye to love?’ he asked.

‘Shall we give it a go?’ I asked Carol and Beth.

‘Why not, said Beth.’

The song began with my solo voice: 'I'll say goodbye to love.'

After two bars George and Tom came in with a gentle keyboard and drum backing. After the second verse everyone came in with a couple of lines of chorus before James embarked on the first of two guitar solos, this one sticking close to the melody, but also showing off his skill as a lead guitarist. I then came in with the final verse together with Beth and Carol ooh-ing and aah-ing in the background. There was no need for any dance routine on this occasion. The final third of the song was instrumental, with a chorus of ahs in the background. It began with a brief drum intro from Tom followed by James going off into the stratosphere with his guitar with the first ever ‘power ballad’. Of course, we could never be compared with the Carpenters original with the Tony Peluso guitar solo, but we were pretty damn good, all the same, and the audience showed their appreciation of our efforts. James was grinning from ear to ear as he took a separate bow, then he turned and bowed to me. I had the distinct impression that were it not that his girlfriend was in the front row of the audience he would have hugged and kissed me as well.

‘I think you may have made a friend for life, James has been on about that song for as long as I’ve known him,’ said Beth as we were changing our dresses.

I didn’t respond but felt very proud of what we’d just done.

‘So what did you think of the Honey Bunnies new line up?’ asked Carol as we got into the car.

‘I think you were brilliant, much better than when Alice was a member of the group. You also seem to have a wider repertoire now.’

‘That’s thanks to Ally,’ said Carol.

‘What will you be saying to Mum and Dad about tonight?’ I asked, changing the subject.

My aunt sighed.

‘That is rather up to you, dear,’ she replied.

‘Maybe I can tell them that I’ve joined a band as a singer, but without specifying that it is a girl band called the Honey Bunnies.’

‘I won’t volunteer any information that you do not want them to know, but neither will I tell them an outright lie.’

‘Thanks, Aunt Emma.’

My aunt went to bed as soon as we got home. At first Carol and I were far too elated to sleep. We went to her bedroom and hugged one another with sheer joy at the way the evening had gone. This time there was no need to go creeping round garden sheds to get changed out of our costumes and take off our makeup. We could now do so in the comfort of Carol’s bedroom.

‘By the way, when do you next need to work?’ Carol asked as she was carefully taking out my hair pieces.

I’d forgotten all about the McJob during the course of the day.

‘I’m not sure, I’ll just check,’ I said turning my phone on once again.

I waited a little while for any text messages to come through. I expected to find one either dismissing me from my employment or else another providing me with my work rota for the next few days. There was neither, and I was not sure what this meant. However at least nobody was expecting me to make an appearance first thing on Saturday morning. I noticed my manicured and lacquered acrylic nails as I operated the phone and smiled at how nice they looked. I didn’t feel in the mood to dip them in acetone and pull them off as it would somehow break the spell.

‘It looks as if I’m not needed in work tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to sort out my finger nails in the morning,’ I said to Carol.

‘Yes, that would suit me as I’m beginning to feel exhausted. So goodnight Ally and thanks for everything that you’ve done for the Bunnies.’

‘It’s been my pleasure,’ I replied and for once I really meant it.

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Chapter 6 All at sea? 

I woke at 9.00 a.m. on Saturday morning and lay in bed for a while thinking about how much I’d enjoyed myself the previous day. These pleasant recollections gradually gave way to anxiety as I started wondering what I was going to do about the McJob. They’d been unreasonable in their demands of me and I’d no regrets about letting them down the previous evening, but I was going to need to earn myself some money: occasional bookings with the Honey Bunnies would not be sufficient. I wondered whether I should go in to work and try and explain and also perhaps apologise? This was my first misdemeanour so they might just keep me on after a warning? After all there can’t be that many mugs willing to work such antisocial and unpredictable hours for peanuts. If the manager did so, he would be bound to punish me by giving me a succession of awkward and unpopular shifts, but I could probably cope with that.

After half an hour of daydreaming about the previous night and worrying about the job, Carol knocked on my bedroom door and brought me a cup of tea.

‘Time to get up, I’m afraid. Mum has gone into Portsmouth, shopping. I’ve just had Beth on the phone; she’ll be round here at 11.00am and wants you to be ready in Ally mode.’

‘Why is that?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea. She said that she’ll explain to us when she gets here. You can borrow my trouser suit again if you like and I’ll find you a clean blouse and some of my underwear.’

‘I can’t keep borrowing your clothes, Carol,’ I replied.

‘We should get a better fee following last night’s performance. Perhaps you could invest some of Ally’s earnings in to buying her some clothes.’

‘I guess so,’ I said, a little anxiously, not wishing to admit that Alex might have just lost his McJob.

I got up, took a shower and fixed my boobs into place. A few minutes later Carol came in and handed me some of her underwear together with a pair of tights.

‘I’m glad that you left your nails on last night; that’ll save us some time.’

‘Me too,’ I thought.

‘Can you manage your own makeup whilst I get myself ready?’

‘I’ll do my best, as long as you’re not expecting me to put on the false eyelashes again.’

‘No we can probably excuse those for today. Do your best and I’ll help you to fix your hair afterwards.’

I was quite pleased to be able to do a pretty good job on my eyes and lips and also to put in my own earrings. As a result we were both ready by the time Beth arrived looking quite smart herself and also very excited.

‘Beth, what’s this all about?’ asked Carol, as anxious to find out as I was.

‘We’ve all got an interview in Southampton at two o’clock this afternoon. The guys are coming to collect us at twelve-thirty.’

‘Interview? What sort of interview?’ she asked.

‘For a job, on a brand new cruise liner that’s going to be based in Southampton. The entertainments manager for the line was in the audience last night and liked the way we appealed to a wide age range. He may be considering us for a booking for their first voyage – all six of us.’

‘But when?’ I asked.

‘The ship takes on its first passengers a week from today. It then does a twelve day Mediterranean cruise before returning to Southampton for two days to restock and take on new passengers.’

‘But does he know about me?’ I asked.

‘The only thing he knows about you is that you’re a great singer and arranger. What else is there to know?’ asked Beth, feigning ignorance.

‘That I’m a guy, course.’

‘Do they really need to know that? Everyone who meets you when you’re dressed as Ally takes it for granted that you’re a girl,’ said Carol.

‘No matter how convincing or otherwise I might be, he would still need to know the truth. If the company are employing us they will need my National Insurance number which includes my sex and they would also want to see my passport. There’s no way that I’m going to attend an interview, dressed as I am, without them knowing.’

Beth looked horrified by this statement.

‘But what are the guys going to say if you come along to the interview dressed as a guy?’

‘We’ll just have to explain the situation to everyone concerned.’

‘Look Ally, there’s no guarantee that we’re going to be offered the job on the cruise, and we may want to use the Pompey Players another time. At least come along to the interview dressed as a girl and let’s see what happens. In the unlikely event that we are offered a contract that’ll be the time for you to come clean,’ suggested Beth.

I wasn’t so sure about that, but I was now fully dressed and made up as Ally and it would inevitably take me some time to revert back to Alex.

‘Alright I’ll go to the interview as Ally as long as it’s understood that I’ll have to tell the truth if we are offered a booking.’

Beth and Carol reluctantly agreed with me and we spent the next forty-five minutes making sure that we all looked our best. The guys turned up in James’s six-seater car, and they were also looking unusually smart. Tom was sitting in the front passenger seat, with James and Carol and Beth climbed into the back row, leaving me to share the middle row with George. He proceeded to spend the next thirty-five minutes of our journey telling me how excited he was by this prospect, how it was just what he’d always wanted to do, and how pleased the three of them were that they’d linked up with the Honey Bunnies. In fact everyone in the car seemed to be elated by the prospect, except for me, knowing that I would probably be the one who was going to squash the whole deal. We parked just outside Southampton Docks and presented ourselves at the gates. The gateman checked that we had authorisation and then directed us to where the new liner was still being fitted out.

Beth’s ‘so-called’ interview proved not to be an interview at all but rather the opportunity to give us the details of a trial during the maiden voyage of the ship with paying passengers. This was to be a twelve day cruise, on this occasion only as far as Marseilles and back. Frank Johnson the entertainments manager was still working out the details of what acts would be needed when the three weeks cruises between Southampton and Venice commenced after our return. As indicated by Beth, he’d been in the audience of the Red Lion the previous night and was impressed with both the musicians and the singers.

'I've been looking for some musicians and singers for some time, but it was your encore last night that finally made me decide to give you a trial.'

James looked at me and smiled. I felt like a heel.

‘I liked the fact that you didn’t just stick with the current hit parade or sought to appeal only to the teens and twenties. I’d encourage you to include some more material from the last century.’

‘No problem,’ said James, ‘we’ve already begun to do so.’

‘Remember also that many of the passengers will be non-English speakers so the broader and more inclusive you can be the better.

The others all murmured their agreement, I kept silent.

‘I’m afraid you’ll have to lose the name ‘Pompey Players’, which won’t go down very well in Southampton, but I quite like ‘the Honey Bunnies’.

(There is a long tradition of rivalry between the two neighbouring South Coast ports.)

‘I suppose we could bill you lads as ‘the Young Bucks,’ if you want to keep to a rabbit theme.’

The boys could see no objection – in fact I got the impression that they’d have been happy to call themselves whatever he wanted, if it got them a booking.

‘Maybe you could smarten yourselves up a little as well, guys, and get yourselves haircuts. If you did so I’d be able to use you to provide backing for some of the other acts where we occasionally need musicians.’

By implication he must have thought that the Bunnies were smart enough already.

He proceeded to show us the dressing rooms and the tiny stage where we would be performing most nights of the week and told us about the duties. The more he told us, the more anxious I became. It was going to be a twelve night Mediterranean cruise with stops in a number of tourist destinations. There were, of course, other entertainments on the ship but we would be expected to perform most evenings with a nightclub style performance and also on those afternoons when the ship was at sea. The salary offered was respectable and what is more all our meals and accommodation would be provided. There were a few additional duties such as helping with the embarkation and disembarkation procedures and acting as stewards during the weekly safety drills. However, these duties would not amount to more than an hour each day. There would be plenty of free time and if any of us undertook anything beyond those specified, they would be paid extra. I looked around at the others and could see that everyone was most impressed and just itching to sign on the dotted line, but now it was crunch time, I could keep silent no longer.

‘It is a wonderful opportunity, Mr Johnson, and I’m sure we’d all love to do the work. But there’s a problem.’

‘What sort of problem, young lady?'

I gave a nervous laugh.

‘That’s just the point, I’m not a young lady, but a young man. There is no Alexandra Fletcher, my name is Alexander. I agreed to fill in for one night with the Bunnies but after that, things rather got carried away and we were offered other engagements,’ I said with a nervous laugh.

The room went very quiet and I could feel the sense of astonishment experienced by all of the males present. I dared not look at the reaction of the guys. After a second or two, Frank broke the silence.

‘This is intended to be a family show; we’re not looking for a drag act.’

Bethany came to my aid.

‘Ally is not a drag performer and we have no intention of providing a drag or burlesque type show,’ she said with some emphasis. ‘We’re a girl group and Alexandra has been filling in for us as a female impersonator. She has been doing a great job in the process and is much better than the real girl she is replacing.’

‘How old are you?’ he asked me briskly.

‘Eighteen,’ I replied.

That seemed to ease a little of the tension. He appeared to be going through various things in his mind. He then turned to the lads.

‘Did you three know about this?’ he asked the musicians, addressing them as a group.

It seemed to me to be a stupid question given the looks of astonishment that remained on all their faces.

‘We’d no idea,’ said James, sadly.

‘As far as we’re concerned he can wear whatever he wants whenever he wants,’ added George with just a hint of bitterness in his tone.

‘But that is not so. If this trial were to go ahead, she won’t be able to wear what she wants – at least not whilst she is on board the ship. Our staff carry photo identity cards at all times. If they board or leave the ship or go into a secure area, their photograph is displayed on a screen. We have employed transsexuals before now but no-one who switches backwards and forwards between genders. There are thirty-one nationalities represented by the staff and crew and they would not all understand the situation.’

‘Well he certainly looks and sounds like a real girl,’ commented James to Frank.

Frank continued, thinking out loud.

‘I suppose it might be possible for me to make a few clerical errors regarding Alex’s name and sex in our employment records but I wouldn’t want this to be known by the other members of staff or the crew, and especially not by the passengers. Is that understood?’’

‘Are you saying that I’d be expected to remain as a girl for the duration of the voyage?’ I asked.

‘Well apart from anything else, you’ll have to share a cabin in the female staff quarters.’

‘That won’t be a problem, Ally can share a cabin with me as we’re cousins,’ said Carol, warming to the idea.

‘But what am I going to wear when I’m on board?’

‘We have the two stage outfits which fit you,’ said Carol.

‘Yes, but what about the times when I’m not working?’ I asked. ‘I had to borrow these clothes to come to this meeting as it is.’

‘You’re welcome to continue borrowing them,’ she added.

‘You may keep my hair extensions and shoes,’ said Beth. ’There is also fifty pounds due to you from your performance last night.’

‘We didn’t pay you for your guest appearance on Tuesday evening so I’m sure we could add a further fifty to make it up to one hundred,’ added James.

The two other guys nodded, suddenly realising that their dream job might not be entirely lost.

‘I could probably match that with a similar advance from your salary. If the trial proves to be a success, as I hope it will do, and I decide to keep you on for further voyages I’ll find a way to lose it in my expenses,’ said Frank. 'You'll also be issued with a uniform for when you are carrying out official duties on behalf of the company,'

‘So that will give you £200 to buy yourself some clothes,’ said Carol quietly.

It also occurred to me that there was also now likely to be about £160 paid in to my account from the McJob. They may have sacked me but they couldn’t withhold money that I’d already earned.

I was conscious that everyone’s eyes were now on me.

‘When do you need an answer?’ I asked.

‘Now, I’m afraid. If you’re not interested there’s another group that I have in reserve, which are not as good as you, but I know they would be available. The ship sails next Saturday and there’s a fair amount of preparation work to do in the meanwhile.’

I could feel the weight of expectation from the others pressing down on me. I turned to look at my cousin.

‘Carol, you’re going to have to help me explain this to Aunt Emma.’

‘Yes, of course, I’ll make it clear that you’re doing this for all of us.’

I took a deep breath.

‘Alright then, I’ll do it,’ I said.

There was an audible sigh of relief and the three guys and two other girls looked mightily pleased.

Frank intervened.

‘There’s a saying that we often use, “What happens on the ship stays on the ship.” Once you are ashore it is a different matter. I truly hope that this trial works out for everyone, but it will only do so if we all agree to forget about the existence of Alexander, and concentrate on helping Ally in her new role whilst she’s aboard the ship. Is that clear?’

Everyone nodded in agreement.

The rest of the afternoon was spent filling out relevant forms and receiving our boarding instructions. My male passport wasn’t going to create a problem as long as I didn’t try to go ashore outside the EU, and even then most countries accepted a Cruise Identity Card for short visits ashore. I was unable to provide a female national insurance number, however, but Frank said they could create a temporary female account where they would pay my contributions. I would have to answer a few awkward questions at a later date if I wanted to have them to be credited to my own account, but contributions to a pension that you will not receive for at least fifty years don’t seem so important when you’re only eighteen.

I got the impression that the guys didn’t know what to make of me. On the one hand I think they realised that it was my musical ideas that had been instrumental in getting us the trial in the first place, but at the same time the discovery about my true sex had nearly cost them the job before they’d even started. They all knew that they would have to co-operate with the Bunnies if they wished to retain the booking after the initial trial period, but I was sure that George would never be quite the same in his attitude towards me. Beth and Carol, on the other hand, regarded me as the heroine of the hour and were determined to make sure that no disrespect was shown to me or snide comments made behind my back.

I made sure that I sat in the back row of the car next to my cousin for the drive back to Waterlooville and I noticed that George had deliberately sat himself in the front row next to the driver. Everyone appeared to be slightly in a state of shock. We’d achieved what we’d set out to do, but had made some discoveries along the way.

‘I expect Mum will be home by the time we get back. I suggest that you should go straight up to your room and I’ll explain to her all about the job offer this afternoon. I’ll also tell her what you are proposing to do and why.’

‘So you think we should tell her straight away,’ I said.

‘Yes, the sooner the better. We’ll have a lot to do over the next week and we can’t afford to keep her in the dark. You go up to your bedroom and I’ll call you down as soon as she knows.’

I did as Carol instructed and began to draft an email to Mum and Dad. They would have to be told that I’d now got a job as an entertainer on a cruise ship but they didn’t need to know that it was as a girl singer. Whilst I was doing this, Carol was talking to Aunt Emma, giving her a full blow by blow account of the proceedings during the afternoon. After about an hour Carol came up to see me.

‘Mum now knows and wants to have a talk with both of us in the lounge.’

‘How did she react?’ I asked.

‘She was a little bit surprised, but after seeing the three of us perform last night she was not as surprised as you might think.’

‘Alright, here goes,’ I said as I followed her downstairs.

---

 

 

---

 
Chapter 7 Preparations for a voyage of discovery 

Although by this time I was quite used to dressing as Ally and my Aunt had seen me dressed as a girl on a couple of occasions, I nevertheless felt self-conscious when I followed Carol downstairs to see her.

‘I understand from Carol that it’s going to be Ally rather than Alex from now onwards,’ said my Aunt with a welcoming smile.

‘Well I don’t actually need to be Ally again until I join the ship next Saturday,’ I responded.

Carol shook her head.

‘No, it needs to be Ally from now onwards, at least until we’ve completed the trial,’ she said. ‘The more practice you can get, the better it will be, for all our sakes.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied. ‘If anyone on board recognises that I’m a guy, we are unlikely to receive any more bookings from the company.’

‘So what are you planning to say to your parents about the job?’ asked Aunt Emma.

‘I’ve drafted an email to them saying that I’ve found a job as a musician on a cruise liner, but I haven’t gone into a lot of detail.’

‘I’ll bet you haven’t!’ she replied. ‘You’d better send a blind copy of your email to me and I’ll do the same to you for anything I send to your mother so we can at least get our stories straight. But I don’t like telling lies to my sister.’

‘Thanks, Aunt Emma. We won’t be lying so much as not telling her the whole truth.’

She sighed.

‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing.’

‘I really appreciate your help, Aunt Emma. It's what I've always wanted to do.’

She looked at me inquisitively as if to say Do you mean 'singing in a group' or 'living as a girl?' but then appeared to have decided not to ask that question. I avoided her gaze.

‘Carol has talked me in to co-operating with your mad scheme – for the sake of both of you and the others in your group.’

'Thanks.'

There was a brief pause before she changed the subject.

‘I suppose we’ll now need to get you sorted with some more clothes to wear. As I mentioned the other day, Susan left quite a few of her clothes when she left us last month. You’re welcome to use any of those,’ she pointed to a large cardboard box which Carol had retrieved from a cupboard under the stairs.

‘I’ve already had a quick look through it, Ally; there are a number of items you might use, in addition to the clothes that Beth and I have already loaned to you,’ said Carol.

‘I’ll also have £200 to spend on some new clothes,’ I added.

‘In that case there are a number several outlet type clothes shops in Gun Wharf Quays in Portsmouth which often have good quality clothes for sale at less than half the normal high street price. I’m owed a few hours by my work so maybe we can drive over there on Monday afternoon, if you like, to see what we can find for you.’

‘Thanks, I’d like that.’

‘You’ll need to get yourself some new underclothes as well. I’ll loan you some of mine for tomorrow, but after that you must get some of your own. Maybe we can buy some items in the Precinct tomorrow morning,' said Carol.

‘Alright then.’

My Aunt was just about to leave us to explore the contents of the cardboard box but then appeared to have second thoughts.

‘One other thing, girls!’

We both looked up.

‘Congratulations on your new jobs!’

‘So what exactly are we looking for this afternoon Ally?’ asked Aunt Emma, as we parked at the Gun Wharf Quays.

‘I’m not exactly sure. I’ve already got some clothes, but I’m going to need to have enough to last me for the two week trial period. Presumably there are staff laundry facilities on the ship, but I don’t want to have to rely on them too much.’

‘She’s going to need another dress, a skirt or two with matching tops and some trousers, some shoes, and a couple more sets of underwear,’ said Carol who had appointed herself my wardrobe mistress.

‘Are we going to be able to get all that for two hundred pounds?’

‘We should do so as long as we don’t get carried away,’ said my Aunt.

‘I’m not experienced enough to know what is likely to look good on me, so I’ll just leave myself in your hands, on this occasion, if that’s ok.’

‘Alright, on this occasion, but pay careful attention as you’re going to have to develop your own look, and know what is right for you to wear.’

Thus I spent most of Monday afternoon trying on different garments or listening to my aunt and my cousin discussing what colour combinations would go best together, or else carrying a growing number of carrier bags containing my purchases. I could see that that women have a much wider range of clothing types, colours, styles and textures to choose from and so it was going to take me a little time to get used to them all. It was a tiring afternoon, but I enjoyed myself and learned a lot.

‘Well, Cousin Ally, you are now the proud possessor of a reasonably sized wardrobe of female clothing,’ announced Carol as we hung my new purchases in the front of my wardrobe,’ later that evening.

‘Yes and I haven’t had to spend much of the money I earned from the McJob,’ I replied.

‘The task isn’t finished yet, you’re still going to need to buy yourself some cosmetics as well. By the way, what have you done with Alex’s clothes?’

‘They are hanging in the back of the wardrobe.’

‘Why not put them in that cardboard box and store them under the stairs for now. I think it will be best if we forget all about Alex until after the first voyage is over.’

‘Alright then.’

My aunt drew up a packing list detailing everything that Carol and I were likely to need on a two week voyage. There were a few things we could share, such as a hair dryer and curling tongs, but there were other items (hair brushes, hair accessories, a manicure set) where I would need my own. My aunt was quite generous in giving or loaning me most of these items and some of her costume jewellery which she no longer wore. In addition to the shoes and hair pieces, Beth gave me the nightdress, slippers and housecoat set that had been given to her but she’d never worn. I offered Aunt Emma the remaining £160.00 in my current account to cover my keep, but she told me to keep half of it, saying that £40.00 a week would be quite enough and that she wouldn’t be expecting me to pay her anything whilst we were away cruising. She suggested that I should go out and buy myself some cosmetics with the rest of the money.

On the Monday I received a letter from McManagement instructing me to attend a disciplinary interview on the coming Friday, for failing to turn up to one of my duties the previous week. It seemed as if they were suspending me for the week and would give me a formal warning but afterwards let me continue working. I toyed with the idea of attending the interview, dressed as Ally and telling them what they could do with their job, but thought better of it. Instead Alex wrote back saying that he could not promise to agree to last minute shift changes and was therefore tendering his resignation. (They did eventually pay me for all the hours that he’d worked, although only after deducting an administrative charge for processing his resignation.) I also had a reply to my email from my parents congratulating me on the new job and hoping that I would use the time to think carefully about my future. Mum had previously mentioned that some of her friends used Skype when they were contacting their children overseas and asked whether we could do the same. I’d replied by saying that my laptop was fairly ancient and didn’t have a built in camera. She reminded me of the birthday money that I was holding in my deposit account, hinting that I might get myself a new one.

James, of the Young Bucks (as they now called themselves) got in touch with Beth the day after our interview and suggested that we should meet up for a discussion and at least one rehearsal before we left. This at least demonstrated that they’d come to terms with the news about me and were just as keen as we were that the trial voyage would be a success. We were going to need to have quite a number of new songs rehearsed if we were going to be able to perform for at least two hours each day for twelve days. Beth arranged for the two groups to meet up on the Tuesday morning. By this time I'd really settled in to my new persona. It was great having a choice of clothes to wear and not having to worry about changing back into Alex. For the first time I felt I could relax and gain a degree of self-confidence as Ally.

When we met the guys it was clear that they’d already come up with several useful suggestions of their own and Beth and Carol agreed to work out some stage routines for the Bunnies to perform. At one point Beth and Carol were discussing something with James and Tom and I was left alone with George. It was the first opportunity that I’d had to speak with him since he’d learned the truth about me on Saturday afternoon.

‘George, I really liked your arrangement of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!',’ I said to him, trying to break the ice that had formed between us.

‘I’m glad,' he responded coolly.

‘I think it’ll work well for us.’

‘Yes, it should do so.’

This conversation was getting to be hard work.

‘George, I hope you weren’t too disappointed to discover about me or feel that I tried to trick you in some way.’

‘I think you tricked all of us, quite successfully, but at least I didn’t make a fool of myself by asking you out,’ he replied.

My cheeks coloured and I looked away for a moment. His answer made me feel like I was some kind of pervert seeking to prey on innocent young men. I may have been pleased to receive compliments from George but I‘d never deliberately flirted with him or encouraged his admiration. However I decided to let it pass.

‘It’s just that you’re a good instrumental arranger and I feel that we could collaborate well together, if we could only work together.’

He hesitated for a minute unsure how to respond.

‘I suppose so; as long as nobody is under the impression that we are boyfriend and girlfriend.’

I smiled.

‘No, we’ll just be friends; or even colleagues, if you prefer. I don’t think either of us is ready for anything other than that.’

He seemed to relax a bit.

‘Alright, Ally, I can agree to that. Perhaps we could meet up and go through all the numbers that we have discussed and work out a plan.’

‘I’d love to do so; why not come to my Aunt’s house tomorrow morning? Carol will be there as chaperone just to make sure that nothing untoward happens,’ I suggested, with a smile.

He blushed, but nevertheless agreed to come and we had a useful morning working together.

After that the last two days before we were due to embark disappeared in a flash. Everybody was increasingly excited about the prospect that awaited us and hopeful that we would be able to prove ourselves. My acceptance that I was going to be spending the remaining days before our departure as Ally made life somewhat simpler than it previously had been. Carol and Beth now treated me exactly as they would have done to any other singer in their group.

The Fair Maid of Southampton, was a huge new luxury cruise liner that looked like some kind of floating city, and which contained every conceivable means of wringing a little more money from its passengers’ bank accounts. It was scheduled to operate between Southampton and Venice via Barcelona. On Saturday 17th May 2014 Aunt Emma drove Carol and me to the entrance to Southampton Docks where we met up with Beth and her parents at 11.00am. The guys were making their own arrangements to get a lift and transport their instruments. I’d wondered whether I needed to warn my aunt to be careful about what she said about me in front of Beth’s parents, but by this time she too had accepted me as her neice and there had been no reference to Alex in nearly a week.

Security at the dockyard was quite tight and our companions would not be permitted to see us on board to our respective cabins. We therefore said our farewells at the dock gates.

‘Take care, both of you, and look after one another,’ said Aunt Emma. ‘I’ll see you on Thursday week.’

Then turning to me, she quietly said, ‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing in saying nothing to your parents, Ally.’

‘I’m eighteen now, and they know and have accepted that I’m going to be working on a cruise ship.’

‘So I understand. I just hope that they don’t discover what is really happening by some other route.’

We then presented ourselves at the dock gates and gave a final wave to those who had brought us. The officials checked a printed list of names and we were allowed through. There was an awning covering the entrance to the gangplank where our new photo ids were waiting for us. I now had official identity showing my new name and gender which would enable me to go ashore without a passport.

‘It’s going to be quite an adventure, eh girls?’ said Beth once we’d made our way to our cabins.

‘Especially for me!’ I thought to myself, but didn’t say so out loud.

The staff quarters on board were fairly modest compared with those for the passengers, with foldaway bunks instead of beds. However they were adequate and everything was brand new. I would be sharing with Carol, which was perhaps just as well as she would be able to keep an eye on what I wore and ensure that no fashion crimes were committed. As members of the entertainment staff, we also had access to a respectably sized dressing room. Beth initially had a cabin to herself but was told that she’d later be sharing with a Spanish girl who was going to work in the hairdressing and beauty salon on board and who would be joining the ship in Barcelona. Once on board we were all issued with our 'official' company uniforms, a navy blue skirt and jacket set and light blue blouse for the Bunnies and dark blue suit and white shirt and tie for the Bucks, although we wouldn't be expected to wear these when we were performing.

During our first few days at sea I worked hard to develop Ally’s appearance, mannerisms and general presentation as I had now to live and operate in an environment where most of those that I came across had no idea that I was a guy. I was fairly confident that my voice wouldn't give me away as I'd had plenty of practice over the years but there were so many other aspects to living as a girl. I didn’t want there to be any rumours spreading round the crew about me, as that would be the end of our future employment prospects. I’m sure the Bucks realised this as well. After a couple of days of slight awkwardness, the musicians seemed to forget about the past and began to treat me as one of the girls and we all adopted Frank’s advice about there being no reference to Alex anywhere on board. As far as Carol and Beth were concerned, I’d saved the day for them and they went out of their way to help me get used to my new role. Alex’s name and my past life were never mentioned in the cabin that I shared with Carol nor in the Bunnies’ dressing room. The only snag was that I found it difficult to sleep whilst wearing Beth’s clip in hair extensions and so I felt a little vulnerable until I’d had a chance to replace them first thing each morning. My own hair was longish for a guy but not quite long enough for a girl. In other respects, though, it had become second nature to me to wear Ally’s clothes, to put on my own makeup and to adopt her voice.

At the same time we all sought to enlarge and perfect our act and make sure that the passengers would be able to come back and see our show on more than occasion without feeling that they’d seen it all before. Our afternoon performances seemed to go down well with younger audiences, sometimes including a number of children, but we had a more sophisticated audience in the evenings, so we began to adapt our programmes accordingly. The appreciation shown to us made the time and trouble that I was now taking to live as Ally, full-time, seem to be worthwhile.

George and I worked on the new songs and arrangements, whilst James and Tom worked on the instrumental solos. Beth and Carol worked out new dance routines so our performances were much livelier and professional than before. Occasionally their dance routines involved us in flirting on stage with the musicians. James and Tom had girlfriends at home but didn’t seem to mind. In fact I think they derived a certain amount of kudos from being associated with three fairly glamorous young ladies. George looked a little embarrassed especially, if I were required to drape my arms round him or blow him a kiss as part of a number. I think Carol realised that there was still a trace of awkwardness between us and thereafter she arranged it that he and I didn’t need to come into bodily contact. In all other respects, though, we worked well together. We began to meld as a single group rather than just three girl singers accompanied by three guys playing instruments. We were all so busy that at first we didn’t pay too much attention to the progress of the cruise across the Bay of Biscay and into the Mediterranean. The ship initially called at Gibraltar for a few hours and then docked for a full-day at Barcelona on the fifth day. Some of the passengers left to fly home at this point and others began their cruise. This would be followed by shorter visits to Marseilles in France, then returning via Palma in Majorca, Cadiz in Spain and back to Southampton.

Beth, Carol and I received a number of invitations to drinks by some of the male passengers but accepting such invitations or fraternising with the customers was frowned upon by management. We were all aware of our precarious employment situation and didn’t want to break any rules. We therefore graciously declined and in most cases the guys got the message. Beth and Carol became friendly with a couple of the assistant engineers on board named, Richard and John, although nothing too serious. I suppose it would have been possible for me to join them and perhaps chat to some of the other male staff of my own age, but I was still anxious about being read and the last thing I wanted to do was to give anyone the wrong idea or let them think that I might be interested in an on-board romance. I therefore remained slightly aloof from close personal relationships and took to wearing a fake ‘engagement ring’ to discourage any interest. However, in other respects those around me seemed to accept Ally without any question.

---

 

 

---

 
Chapter 8 The Bunny Hops

As soon as the passengers had disembarked at Barcelona, members of the entertainments staff were permitted to go ashore for the remainder of the day, and could, if they wished, arrange to help with one of the scheduled excursions by acting as sheep dogs to round up the passengers and make sure that no-one got lost. The guys had signed up as helpers for the ‘Football Stadium Tour’ to see the FC Barcelona ground and the Football Museum there. This was something that had zero interest for any of the Bunnies and so Beth asked Julia, one of the excursions staff who knew the city, for her suggestions as to how we might spend a few hours ashore.

‘If this is your first visit to Barcelona you should be sure to go to ‘La Sagrada Familia’, and maybe also do some shopping in ‘La Rambla as well.’

‘Great, but how do we get there?’

She gave us a local tourist map which they did not hand out to their paying customers as they didn’t want to encourage them to go ashore on their own or to use public transport but rather charge them extortionate sums for the coach excursions.

‘The Blue Bus will take you from the Cruise Terminal to the Columbus Monument near to the Drassanes Station on the Green Metro line. You should travel as far as Diagonal station and change to the Blue line to Sagrada Familia. You cannot mistake the building when you get there. Once you have finished your visit return to Diagonal and take the Green Line to Plaça de Catalunya station. From there you can walk down La Rambla back to Drassanes.’

~o~O~o~

Carol and I were waiting for Beth to emerge from her cabin before we went ashore when an attractive and very elegant looking young woman with brown eyes and black hair approached us. She was pulling a large suitcase and carrying various documents and an electronic key.

‘Hello, I am Maria, is Bethany one of you?’ she asked in slightly broken English.

‘This is Beth’s cabin, she’ll be out in a moment,’ said Carol.

‘I have arrived, I think Bethany and I share a cabin.’

Beth emerged at this point and so we introduced her to her new cabin mate, and she spent the next five minutes helping the newcomer to move in her luggage and sort out bunks and cupboard space.

‘My friends and I have to leave you now to go ashore, but maybe we can talk later?’ said Beth.

She spoke slowly and clearly in the slightly patronising way that the English sometimes adopt when talking to foreigners.

‘Yes, that is good; I will have to find where I will be working.’

We left her to unpack her clothes and settle in whilst we made our way ashore.

~o~O~o~

La Sagrada Familia turned out to be a truly stunning, modernist, cathedral-like building designed by Antoni Gaudi which was still under construction after more than 130 years. None of us knew anything about Gaudi, or his architecture, but it was well worth our two-hour visit, all the same. Afterwards we had a cool drink in a café in the Plaça de Gaudí.

‘Look, Mum, it’s the ‘Honey Bunnies’ from the cruise,’ exclaimed an excited young voice from an adjoining table.

A family with two girls, one aged eleven or twelve and the other thirteen or fourteen were sitting at a nearby table.

‘Can we go and ask for their autographs?’ the elder sister asked.

‘No, I expect the girls are having a day off from work today,’ replied their mother.

We couldn’t help but overhear the conversation, and both Carol and Beth were clearly flattered to receive this limited recognition from two young fans.

‘That’s alright, we’re always happy to sign autographs,’ Carol said to the mother with a gracious smile, as if it were happening to us all the time.

Alison, the elder girl and her sister Kate, came over with their autograph books whilst their parents inspected a city map and a book on Gaudi. Carol, who had clearly been preparing for the day when we’d become famous - albeit in a limited way, drew a bunny rabbit head on a new page of each book with ‘The Honey Bunnies inside.’ The three of us signed our names around the edge of the page. Of course, I signed as ‘Ally Fletcher.’

‘I’m Ally as well,’ said Alison to me. ‘I never used to like the name but now I think it is quite cool.’

‘I think it’s a cool name too,’ I replied with a smile, but still feeling just a little self-conscious.

‘We really enjoyed your show, you’re such good singers and dancers,’ said Kate.

‘That’s nice of you to say so,’ said Beth.

‘Where are you going next?’ asked Alison.

‘A little light shopping in La Rambla, and then back to the ship,’ said Carol.

‘Dad, can we go shopping in La Rambla too?’

‘Sorry girls, this is my first visit to Barcelona and I’m determined to see La Pedrera and Parc Güell before we leave.’

Alison rolled her eyes and whispered that she was fed up with stupid architecture, and Kate just looked grumpy.

‘Your daughters would be welcome to come along with us if you’re happy with that arrangement,’ Carol said to the mother.

The husband and wife exchanged glances about whether they were willing to entrust their daughters to three young women whom they did not know, other than that they’d seen them perform.

‘Oh please can we go with the Bunnies, Mum?’

‘Well alright, but you are to stay with the girls and do exactly what they tell you. You both have a mobile phone, so I’ll want to receive a text message from one of you every fifteen minutes, or else I’ll come back and find you,’ said the mother.’

~o~O~o~

The three Bunnies and our two young fans, spent a leisurely afternoon looking at the various tourist shops and stalls in the series of avenues between Plaça de Catalunya and Drassanes, which are known as La Rambla. The girls were well-behaved and obeyed the instructions to keep their parents informed of their whereabouts on a regular basis. They also kept close to ourselves as we’d all been warned about the numbers of pickpockets in the area. We chatted to one another and looked at the jewellery stalls. I bought myself a rather stylish pair of Ralph Lauren sunglasses which were probably fakes but looked good and were not expensive.

Midway through the afternoon we stopped at a café and we treated the girls to an ice cream, whilst they each sent a text.

‘So what do you two think of the cruise?’ Carol asked.

‘It’s alright, I suppose, if you like crumbly cities and boring old buildings,’ said Alison from which we inferred that she was a fan of neither.

‘But what about the ship?’ asked Beth. ‘It’s all brand new?’

‘I suppose it is quite comfortable and the food isn’t bad, but there’s not much for us to do on board.’

'They have a kid's club, don't they?' commented Carol.

'But that's for little kids, not us,' said Alison.

‘The only really awesome part of the whole holiday has been your shows,’ added Kate.

We’d arranged to meet the girls’ parents at 4.30 at the end of La Rambla as we had to return to the ship and get ready for our evening show. We'd had a text message saying that they were on their way and were waiting for them to arrive when Kate pointed to a stall.

‘Look everyone, Honey Bunny earrings,’ she said and pointed to three inexpensive but cute little rabbit designs.

‘Shall we get one pair each to go with our Bunny pendants?’ suggested Beth.

‘That would be fine by me,’ I said, and Carol agreed.

We each chose a different bunny design and were on the point of paying for them when the girls’ parents arrived.

‘Please, let us pay for them to thank you for looking after our daughters for the afternoon,’ said their father.

‘It was no trouble; we were pleased to have them with us,’ replied Beth.

‘No, I insist,’ said their father, handing over twenty-four Euros to the stallholder. ‘We’ve had a great time today, looking at architecture.’

We thanked them for our gifts, and informed the girls that they would in future become a part of the ‘Honey Bunnies’ official uniform.

‘If you two want to come up to the stage next time, we’ll get the ‘Young Bucks’ to sign your autograph books as well,’ said Beth as we were leaving.

‘Those two girls have given me an idea,’ said Carol once they’d left us.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘Ally, if you were willing to play the keyboards, Beth and I could run some simple dance classes for the 10-15 year age group during the mornings when we’re at sea.’

‘I could do so, but don’t you think we should ask George as he is a better keyboard player than me?’ I replied.

‘No I’d want this to be a ‘Bunnies’ only venture and the guys get plenty of extra work as it is. We could call the sessions ‘The Bunny Hops’. Parents would be more likely to entrust their children to us if it were being run by three girls.’

‘I’d be happy to do so, especially if we get paid overtime for it,’ said Beth.

‘I’ll put the idea to Frank as soon as I get an opportunity.’

~o~O~o~

Frank proved to be fairly receptive to Carol’s suggestion and two days later we announced our first ever ‘Bunny Hop’ for adolescents and young teens, in the small music room. About twenty five young people turned up, predominantly girls but also a few venturesome boys. Carol and Beth had organised some simple dance routines based on our stage act, and we occasionally had some of the kids singing backing vocals. We even persuaded one or two brave souls to try singing the lead whilst we provided the backing. Everyone seemed to have fun. Two days later we had thirty three turn up for the one hour session, and by the third time we had more than forty and had to move to the larger music room. By this time the Bunnies had become minor celebrities on the cruise, and were often called upon to sign autographs. I’m sure that if we’d only had an album recorded we could have sold a few copies. Alison and Kate came to each dance session and also to a fair number of our afternoon and evening sessions. Frank wouldn’t be drawn as to whether there was a future for the idea, but he looked quite impressed when he stuck his head round the door at one point. He also agreed that we would be paid at the same overtime rate as the guys.

Gradually, as the days went by, the Bunnies and the Bucks grew in self-assurance as a group as we introduced more numbers into our repertoire and we got more used to performing with one another. We were also able to allow one another a certain degree of improvisation to showcase our individual talents. I began to feel increasingly confident at other times, particularly when dealing with people who had no idea about my secret. I was less shy if approached by the kids and more confident in handling those passengers who fancied their chances. George was also a little more willing to be seen in public chatting to me, and this could be useful as the other male staff assumed there might be something going on between us, and didn’t seek to chat me up. Above all, I no longer felt that deep-seated dread that someone would one-day come up to me and unmask me in front of an audience.

~o~O~o~

One morning, soon after we left Marseille, I found myself looking for somewhere to sit and eat my breakfast. Beth and Carol were busy flirting with their new friends and the three guys appeared to be occupied with discussing the merits or otherwise of different makes of car. I noticed that Maria, Beth’s new cabin mate, was sitting alone at a table, reading a text book of some kind, and guessed that, as a latecomer on the ship, she’d not had much chance to make any friends.

‘May I join you, Maria?’ I asked. ‘If you remember we met when you came on board in Barcelona.’

‘Yes, I remember, it is Ally, you are Beth’s friend, please do sit down,’ she replied with a smile, shutting her book.

‘What are you studying?’ I asked.

‘English, of course,’ she said with a grimace. ‘I take this job for the summer to improve my English-speaking skills. I have to pass exam in September or I cannot continue with my university studies.’

‘But your English sounds alright to me.’

‘I can understand most English books and when people talk slowly but my spelling and vocabulary are – how you say it? – crap!’

I laughed.

‘I’m sure they’re not crap.’

‘But English is such a difficult language for learning – so many different words mean same thing, so many different sounds, and your crazy spelling - ¡Qué difícil!’

She broke off her sentence in order to roll her eyes in disbelief.

‘It is all so …. contrario a la intuición,’ she continued.

‘I think you mean counter-intuitive,’ I replied.

‘Yes, that is it, counter-intuitive. Spanish is much easy language to learn.’

‘Creo que tiene razón,’ I replied with a smile.

‘¿Hablas español?’ she asked in some surprise.

‘Sí; un poco.’

‘Eso es maravilloso! ¿Puede explicar esta frase para mí?’ she said eagerly opening her book once again and pointing to the page that she’d been studying. ‘He leído cinco veces y no sé lo que significa,’

‘Slow down Maria! I will try to explain the sentence to you, but only if you can ask me in English,’ I said adopting the role of her language teacher.

‘Please, Ally, what does this sentence mean? I read it so many times my head spins.’

~o~O~o~

As soon as she’d discovered that I spoke a little Spanish, Maria became my best friend for life. There were other Spanish speakers on the staff but they were all guys who tended to be after one thing only. Like me, she wanted to avoid any on-board flirting with the stewards or the crew as she had to concentrate on her preparations for an important exam. We therefore continued to take our meals together and often had extended conversations, with me correcting her grammar, or her use of English idioms. The only trouble was that I quickly found myself having to invent a whole back story for Alexandra including events from when she was a little girl. I therefore tended to steer our conversations towards Maria's language learning difficulties and even found myself going through her various exercises with her in her cabin when we were both free from our duties. For this help she professed herself to be eternally grateful.

Encouraged by her gratitude, I began to do a little bit of investigation when I had a chance to access the internet as we called at Cadiz and I could go ashore for a few hours. I wanted to discover why she kept making the same kinds of mistakes. Why, for example, she would often miss the subject pronoun, why she sometimes got confused between him and her, which could be a little disconcerting on those occasions she referred to me or one of the other Bunnies as ‘him’. She also sometimes added the adjective as an afterthought, such as the time she told me that I was wearing ‘a dress pretty.’ I quickly found that there were good reasons why she made these mistakes, and that there were plenty of free teaching materials available which would address the problem. I therefore downloaded some exercises specifically for her, and in process discovered that I was enjoying myself as a teacher of English as a foreign language. However, on the last full-day before the end of the voyage, I discovered that her gratitude could create unforeseen problems for me and we had a slightly awkward conversation with one another.

‘Ally, you have been so good to me and we like each other. Would you share a cabin with me on the next voyage? I could help you to make better your hair and makeup and you could correct my English.’

I was surprised by the suggestion and a tiny bit deflated because I’d assumed that I’d been doing quite well with my hair and makeup on the voyage up to that point, although I was clearly not up to Maria’s standards. However, this was not the point, whilst I liked Maria and enjoyed helping her, I couldn’t consider sharing a cabin with someone who was unaware of my true sex and Frank had specifically forbidden us from telling anyone.

‘I don’t know Maria; my cousin Carol might be upset if I wanted to change cabins, and, in any event, we still haven’t heard whether our booking is going to be extended beyond this one voyage.’

‘That is alright, I am sorry that I asked you, I thought your cousin would like to share with Bethany,’ she said with obvious disappointment.

‘You don’t need to be sorry about it; I would be happy to share cabins with you but at present it is a little awkward for me.’

Yes, I understand,’ she replied but seemed a little subdued after this.

~o~O~o~

I discussed my problem with Maria to Beth and Carol as were getting ourselves ready for our final show later that night.

‘I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to switch cabins,’ said Carol.

(I suspected that it would be easier for her to bring her new boyfriend back to her cabin if she was sharing with Beth than it would have been sharing with her cousin.)

‘I wouldn't mind either,’ said Beth. ‘Maria is nice enough to share a cabin with, but I do find her studying for so much of the time to be rather dull.’

‘How can I share cabins without her knowing about Alex?’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ said Carol. ‘We’ve all tended to forget about Alex over the last couple of weeks.’

‘Which is exactly what we were told to do,’ added Beth.

‘And we still don’t know whether we are going to be employed on the next sailing,’ I said.

‘Frank has asked to speak to us all after the show tonight, so make sure you do your best,’ said Beth.

~o~O~o~

---

 

Next time: A new roomate.

Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise

 

---

 
Chapter 9 A New Contract

Our final show of the cruise seemed to go down well with the audience who showed their appreciation. Frank was among them and we were all quite hopeful when he came over to speak to us afterwards.

‘Things appear to have gone pretty well on the voyage, guys and gals, and I’ve been happy with the standard of your performances and the fact that you have continued to expand and adapt your repertoire to meet the needs of our clientele. I have a couple of conditions to make but if you agree to them we can think about offering you a contract to cover the next five voyages under the same terms as before’

‘What sort of conditions?’ asked James.

‘From next Saturday the cruises will be of nineteen days duration travelling from Southampton to Venice and return. However, most passengers will only be travelling one way, either starting from Southampton or else flying to Venice and coming back on the ship. In addition we’ll be taking on and dropping off passengers at Barcelona on the outward and return trips for those paying for shorter cruises. Only a few of the passengers will stay for the full nineteen days. As before, you’ll be expected to provide performances in the small music room on twelve evenings and eight afternoons during each voyage, but I’d also like you to contribute to a weekly show that I’ll be organising in the theatre on the nights we leave the main ports. The idea is to showcase the various entertainments on the ship.’

‘No problem,’ we all agreed.

‘You may go ashore for the day when we dock at Barcelona (both ways) and also at Venice, and you will have one full day and two half days ashore at Southampton whilst the ship is re-stocked. There may also be opportunities for a few hours off at the other ports if you are not required for other duties.’

We nodded our assent.

‘Guys, I shall be wanting you to provide backing for a couple of the foreign language singers, but you will receive overtime for any additional hours worked beyond the forty.’

They nodded their acceptance. Frank then turned to me.

‘There is also the matter of your continuing to live and be treated as Alexandra, whilst you’re on-board the ship.’

‘I guessed as much,’ I replied.

‘As far as I’m aware, there have been no problems so far in this respect.’

‘Things have gone well; in fact I’ve really enjoyed myself.’

‘Yes, I’d got that impression. So I take it you’re willing accept that condition, Ally?’

‘I won’t mind a few more maiden voyages if it means that we can all continue working together.’

He smiled.

‘Good! I assumed that you wouldn’t object, and so, as promised, you’ll find that the advance that I made to you before the voyage has now been put down to expenses.’

‘Thank you.’

He now turned to the musicians.

‘Guys, I note that you three look a lot smarter now than when I first saw you. I’m assuming that you will continue to do so. I’m looking for a boy band rather than a heavy metal group. The smarter you look the more likely I am to provide extra work for you. Is that agreed?’

The three seemed to be reasonably happy with that condition and murmured their thanks.

‘You will receive your pay in your bank accounts tomorrow morning and I’ll see you again on Saturday evening.’

‘Now, if you don’t mind leaving us, I’ve got a couple of matters to discuss with the girls.’

We waited for a while whilst the guys packed their instruments and left.

‘Alright ladies, I think you three have the makings of a great singing group so I want you to work on the dance side of your performance in the theatre and also enhance the glamour a bit.

‘The dance should be no problem as we have been feeling a little cramped on the small stage, but what exactly do you mean by ‘enhance the glamour?’ asked Beth’

‘You know the sort of thing, short skirts, high heels, posh hair and makeup. Maybe you could also show a little more cleavage, but without turning it into a topless show.’

‘We only formed the group with its present line up a couple of weeks ago and only have two stage costumes available,’ said Beth

‘I realise that what I’m asking will inevitably cost some money so I’m willing to pay for the cost of two more outfits for each of you from my entertainments budget. I’ll also arrange for someone from the salon to come and help with your hair and makeup for an hour before each evening show.’

‘Showing a little more cleavage may be difficult for Ally,’ suggested Carol.

‘Not necessarily, we can order some silicone breast forms for her.’

‘What do you think, Ally?’

‘I’d be willing to give them a try as long as I’m not expected to pay for them,’ I replied.

‘So when will we need to perform in the theatre?’ asked Beth

‘We won’t have enough time to organise anything for when we leave Southampton on the next voyage but I’m aiming to begin the night we leave Barcelona. We’ll then repeat the show after we leave Venice, then Barcelona on the return run and Southampton on the next voyage.'

‘What about our other shows in the small music room?’

‘They’ll continue as before. I’ve absolutely no issue with your afternoon shows, but I’m wondering whether we can also boost the glamour for your evening shows a little.’

‘In that case we’re certainly going to need some help getting ready. I’ve been sharing a cabin with a girl called Maria who works in the salon; she could help us with our hair styles and makeup,’ Beth said.

‘I’ll speak to her boss.’

What about the Bunny Hops?’ asked Carol.

‘You’re welcome to continue running the classes on the next voyage and I’ll pay you overtime for the hours that you work. If they continue to be a success I’ll look at making them a permanent feature of the entertainments programme.’

Beth now turned to look at Carol and myself, as if to ask what we should do. We both nodded our assent.

‘Alright, Frank, it’s a deal,’ she replied.

He smiled.

‘I'm glad to continue to work with you. Please come and see me in the morning and we’ll try and get you a couple more outfits from a costume supplier, and Ally a new pair of boobs to be delivered in time for the next voyage.

Frank was about to leave, but Beth saw her opportunity.

‘As Maria will be doing Ally’s hair and her makeup would there be any problem with her knowing the full story about her background?’

Frank turned towards me.

‘Can she be trusted to keep your secret?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I believe so, I’m her best friend on the ship,’ I replied.

‘Alright I’ll leave it to Ally to decide who can be told. However, I don’t want the story to become common knowledge among the crew. Above all, I don’t want it to be known by the passengers or to be reported in the newspapers. Is that clear?’

‘Yes, I’m sure we all understand that. I would rather be treated as just an ordinary girl rather than as a female impersonator,’ I replied.

‘Good. That goes for me as well.

~o~O~o~

Once Frank left we spent a few minutes congratulating one another. This was going to be a boost to the show business careers of the Bucks and the Bunnies. We were used to performing on small stages in front of drinkers and a few dancers. We were now being asked to develop routines for a full-sized stage, wearing glamorous outfits. After ten minutes or so the guys returned bringing a couple of bottles of champagne and suggesting that we should all meet up again in half an hour for a celebration in the staff canteen.

‘I’ll catch up with you two later, I want to go and talk to Maria first,’ I said to Carol and Beth.

‘So are you going to tell her now?’ asked Carol.

‘Yes, and we’ll see how she reacts.’

‘She’s in my cabin busy at her studies,’ Beth replied.

Five minutes later I knocked on the door.

‘Hi Maria, may I come in?

'Of course.'

'We’ve just been told that we will continue on board for the next five voyages,’ I said smiling. ‘I’ll be able to continue to help you with your English.’

‘That is good news,’ she replied but she still seemed a little subdued.

‘Maria, if you still wish to do so, I should be happy to share a cabin with you for the next voyage and indeed for the later voyages as well, but first there is something you have to know about me.’

As I spoke I could see the excitement begin to glow in her eyes.

‘What is that?’ she asked eagerly.

‘Before I tell you my secret, you must promise me not to tell anyone else on the ship or even at home.’

‘Yes, of course, I promise, now tell me what it is.'

‘Maria, I’m not sure how I’m going to explain this.’

‘¿Estás transexuales?’ she asked in a matter-of-fact way.

This response stunned me as I’d no idea that she had any suspicions about my sex.

‘No, Maria, I’m not a transsexual, but I am a man who is working as a female impersonator - imitador de mujeres,’ I replied.

‘But why do you dress as a girl all the time?’ she asked.

‘The managers do not want the staff, crew or passengers to know, but I’ve been given permission to tell you so that we can share a cabin.’

'Do you take hormonas femeninas?’

‘No, nothing like that,’ I replied quickly. ‘I have a naturally high pitched voice and so Beth and Carol asked me to join them in their singing group when a third member left. I only intended to do it for one performance, but we were offered the opportunity for us to work on the ship but only on condition that I continued living as Ally.’

‘I have a friend from school who uses hormonas femeninas for a year ago, but you look more like a woman than she does.’

I tried not to think about the implications of what she was saying. However, Maria did not appear to be fazed or affronted by the news.

‘How did you know that I was not a woman?’ I asked.

‘You look and sound like a woman but there are one or two small things to give you away, but nothing which cannot be made better. Remember that I work as a hairdresser and beautician so I notice these things. Your hair does not look natural and so when you did not want to share a cabin with me I began to wonder about you.’

‘But would you object to sharing a cabin with a female impersonator?’

‘Of course not, I would be happy to share with you. I make you better.'

If you do, I'll have you speaking English like a native,’ I replied with a smile.

‘And I will have you looking like una mujer hermosa and not just un imitador de mujeres.’

I was quite pleased with the idea of looking like a beautiful woman and not just a female impersonator.

‘I think that you may be asked to help us get ready for our shows, as a part of your duties.’ I said.

‘In that case I will make sure that you are always the most beautiful of the Honey Bunnies,’ she replied with a smile.

‘Please don’t do that or my cousin and my friends will want to get rid of me,’

‘I do not think so,’ she replied.

‘My colleagues are holding a small celebration in the staff canteen. Would you like to join us?’

‘Yes, I think I have studied enough for today.’

‘They all know my secret but please be careful what you say about me to anyone else on board.’

‘Of course: from now you are my girlfriend, Ally, just as before.’

~o~O~o~

By the time Maria and I arrived in the otherwise deserted canteen, the others had already had one celebratory drink and were about to begin a second one. The guys had by this time been informed about Frank’s plans to make our act more glamorous.

‘Ah, it is Ally and Maria,’ said James. ‘Quickly, someone, pour them both a drink. I should like to propose a toast to Alexandra, who once again, has saved the day for us.’

I blushed and tried to sit down but before I could do so, Carol and Beth were also on their feet, followed by Tom and then, finally, George.

‘To Ally,’ they all said.

The guys, Carol and Beth polished off a couple more bottles of wine before the end of the evening, but Maria and I only sipped our drinks. Everyone present now knew the full story of Ally and Alex, but I was still conscious of the need never to let down my guard.

~o~O~o~

The following morning the three Bunnies spent some time selecting our new outfits from the online catalogue of a theatrical costumier, taking into account Frank’s wishes for short skirts and high heels. At Frank’s suggestion we each ordered a black satin, ‘bunny girl’ type outfit with matching ears and long black gloves. It was the sort of outfit that might be worn to a Halloween party, but would look alright on stage. The second costume, this time chosen by ourselves was a sexy, sparkly, sleeveless, and body hugging short dress in bright pink, which might be good for clubbing. This dress came with high stiletto heeled shoes with a glittery platform matching the dress and peep toes. The two pairs of shoes were going to take a little getting used to but I’d coped alright with high heels before. I also selected a pair of stick on silicone breasts so that in future I would no longer have to pad my bras with tissue paper as I got dressed each morning. We gave our measurements and shoe sizes to Frank who was fairly confident that we would have at least one new outfit by the time the ship next sailed.

As we were doing all this The Fair Maid of Southampton, sailed past the Fawley Oil Refinery into Southampton Water and docked at the Ocean Cruise Terminal. We then had to help with the passenger disembarkation procedures and had the opportunity to see Alison and Kate and say goodbye to them and their parents. They were thrilled that we’d made the effort to see them before they left.

‘It has been such a good holiday, thank you all very much,’ said Alison.

‘Yes, it has been awesome,’ added Kate.

‘What part did you like best?’ Carol asked her. ‘Shopping in Barcelona or the Barbary Macaques in Gibraltar?’

‘No, the Bunny Hops, of course,’ she replied as if it were a stupid question.

Her mother gave a wry smile.

‘Thank you for making our daughter’s holiday so special. We’ve awarded the Honey Bunnies the maximum possible marks on the feedback sheets about the holiday. But there was no mention of the Bunny Hops on the form so I left a flattering comment at the end specifically saying that it was a good idea.’

‘The Bunny Hops were something of an afterthought – inspired by our meeting Alison and Kate, but thanks for the positive feedback,’ Beth replied.

~o~O~o~

Once the passengers had finished disembarking Beth and I carried out our switch of cabins so that in future I would be sharing with Maria. Apart from a brief trip in to Southampton to do some shopping, Maria was planning to remain on board for the next couple of days before the first full-length voyage so I downloaded a number of English exercises for her to learn whilst I was away and promised to go through them with her on my return. The rest of us were now anxious for a break although on this occasion we would be leaving most of our luggage behind and taking only enough for our two nights ashore.

‘Goodbye Maria, I’ll see you when we return on Saturday evening,’ I said as I was about to leave.

‘Can you come back to the ship any earlier on Saturday, Ally?’ she asked.

‘Why is that?’

‘I want to repay you for the help to me you have given. The salon will be closed to passengers on Saturday during embarkation and so it will be available for me to use. I could help you with your hair extensions.’

‘I’m not sure what my Aunt has planned for us over the next day or two. Can I phone you tomorrow night to tell you what time I will be back on Saturday?’

‘Yes, of course.

~o~O~o~

The six of us took a bus from the dockyard to Southampton Central and then a train into Portsmouth & Southsea station, where the guys made their way to their respective homes anxious to see their girlfriends or else to brag about their job to their other friends. However, there was an implicit agreement that nobody was going to mention my situation to those who didn’t already know, just in case it should get back to other members of the crew.

‘Remember, “What happens on the ship stays on the ship”,’ said Carol. ‘That applies to all our actions. Is that agreed?’

We all signified our agreement and the guys left us. The three Bunnies had to make our way to the bus stop for Waterlooville Precinct.

‘What are you two planning to do over the next two days?’ asked Beth.

‘One of my classmates in Havant has the day off tomorrow and is anxious to hear how we’ve been getting on. I’m looking forward to making her really jealous, as she is working in a shop’ said Carol with a smile. ‘Then on Saturday morning I’ll catch up with my emails and social media.’

‘How about you, Ally?’ Beth asked. ‘In fact, is it going to be Ally or Alex for the next couple of days,’ she asked me.

I’d been thinking about that during the journey back. I looked down at my polished acrylic nails which still looked good after three weeks, but would soon need infills. Did I really want to go to the trouble of removing my false nails and then putting them back again afterwards, just for the sake of one full day living as Alex?

‘I guess It’ll be easier for me stick to being Ally, although I won’t have many clothes to choose from as the bulk of my wardrobe is back at the ship.’

'Now why doesn't that surprise me?' said Carol with a smile.

~o~O~o~

---

 

Next time: Back at Waterlooville

Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise

 

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Chapter 10 A Discussion with My Mother

Neither Beth nor Carol seemed particularly surprised by my decision to remain as Ally for the next two days that we would be at Waterlooville.

‘I was looking in the window of Primark in the Cascades shopping centre as we passed. They’ve got some great summer dresses and tops in stock which are really good value. ‘Would you like to come with me and take a look at them tomorrow?’ asked Beth.

‘Yes alright,’ I replied. ‘It looks as if Carol will be out for the day and my aunt will be at work, but I will also need to email my Mum and Dad.’

‘Do that first thing and then I’ll call round for you about 11.00. We can take the bus in to Portsmouth.’

‘As you will be going to Primark tomorrow, would you buy me some underclothes whilst you’re there,’ asked Carol. ‘I’ll show you what I want on their website when we get home.’

‘Yes, of course,’ I replied

~o~O~o~

We eventually arrived back in Waterlooville about 3.00pm and Beth left us to go to her home. Carol and I made our way home to find that Aunt Emma had left us a note asking us to prepare the evening meal from the ingredients in the fridge. We both looked forward to staying in for the night and telling her our news from the voyage.

‘But remember what I said to the others,’ cautioned Carol.

‘Don’t worry, I won’t even mention Richard,’ I said with a smile.

There was however plenty that we could tell to my Aunt, all the same.

‘We’ve had a wonderful time, haven’t we Ally,’ said Carol. ‘We’ve performed lots of new songs and dance routines, have run dance classes for the young teens and it has now been confirmed that we have a great job for the whole summer.’

‘So it would seem,’ she replied. 'Are you still happy with the job, Ally?'

‘Oh yes and I hope you don’t mind if I stay as Ally until we go back; it will be more convenient for me,’ I said.

She looked a little anxious.

‘I have no objection, dear, but your mother might. She contacted me yesterday and asked me to tell you to be sure to be home at midday tomorrow as she wants to have a Skype session with you using my computer.’

‘Why does she want to do that? I’ve been keeping her informed by email at regular intervals,’ I replied with some irritation.

‘Because she’s your mother and cares about you, of course,’ replied Aunt Emma. ‘She wants to see you face to face and make sure that you haven’t been up to anything.’

‘Up to what sort of thing?’ I asked anxiously, worried lest Mum had some suspicions about what had been going on.’

‘Like dressing up as a girl and performing on stage?’ said Carol, giving me a wink.

I stuck my tongue out at her.

‘I don’t think she has any specific worries but just wants to make sure that you're alright after the cruise.’

‘In that case it will have to be Alex again in the morning. I’ll have to explain to Beth.’

‘You could always decide to tell your mother all about Ally,’ suggested my Aunt.

‘No, it had better be Alex; I don’t think I am ready to tell her about Ally … yet.’

‘Very well; but you won’t be able to put it off forever.’

'I know,' I replied with a sigh.

After dinner I sent a text to Beth telling her that I would not be able to come with her to Portsmouth the next day.

~o~O~o~

I was left alone in the house the following morning as I prepared to become Alex once again. My Aunt had gone to work and my cousin had just left to visit her classmate. It was three weeks since I’d dressed as a boy and I hadn’t realised how much Ally had become an innate part of my being during the intervening period. It felt awkward and disagreeable to retrieve some of Alex’s clothes from the box under the stairs and dress myself in them. Although I’d taken out my hair extensions as usual before going to bed, it now felt odd for me to have short hair during the day and I missed the pleasant feeling of the dangling earrings which I usually now wore when I wasn’t performing. It had also become second nature for me to put on some makeup after washing each morning, but now I felt myself to be exposed without it. I’d taken off my breast enhancers on a number of occasions but had always re-stuck them again soon afterwards so now it felt decidedly odd to be without them and no longer wearing a bra. What was worst of all, though, was my having to lose the lovely long acrylic nails that Beth had helped me to create and which I was now quite used to wearing. I dipped each finger in a bath of acetone for a couple of minutes and then pulled them off. It was a messy job leaving a fair amount of residue which had to be cleaned off. My original short nails underneath looked drier and uglier than usual. There was no way that I was ever going to be able to make them look as good as before.

I telephoned Maria on the ship.

‘Hi Maria, it is me.'

I couldn't bring myself to say Alex and in any event she had never met him.

‘Hi Ally, how are you?’

‘I’m not feeling happy at the moment; I have been forced to dress as a guy today so that I can speak to my mother over the internet.’

‘That is pity – you look good as a girl.’

‘It is nice of you to say so.’

‘I cannot imagine what you look like as a man.’

‘Maybe I could send you a selfie of Alex.’

‘No, don’t do that, I prefer to think of you as my friend Ally.’

‘Maria, remember that you offered to help with my hair extensions tomorrow afternoon. I wonder whether you might be willing to do some nail extensions for me instead?’

'If you can come back to the ship a little earlier perhaps I would have time to do both.’

‘What time do you mean by early?’ I asked.

‘I have nothing arranged for tomorrow. Come as soon as you are able and we will spend the rest of the day making you look beautiful once again, whilst I practice my English.’

‘Thanks Maria, I’ll text you to let you know when I’m going to be back.’

~o~O~o~

It took me little time to ‘find’ Alex’s voice again after making the call – I’d spent so much time as Ally recently that speaking in her voice had become second nature to me. I was therefore feeling a little crabby and uncomfortable when Beth arrived at the appointed time.

‘Hi Beth, didn’t you get my text message?’ I asked.

It somehow felt wrong to be addressing my friend, using Alex’s voice.

‘Yes I did, but you didn’t explain why you couldn’t come. I tried ringing you this morning but your phone was engaged so I thought I’d call in on my way to the bus stop to see if there was anything wrong.’

‘There’s nothing wrong but, as you can see, I’ve had to revert to Alex mode as my mother has taken it into her head to call me on Skype this lunchtime so I can’t come with you to Portsmouth.’

‘But you will be returning to the ship as Ally, tomorrow,’ asked Beth a little anxiously.

‘Yes, of course.’

‘That’s a relief; I was worried that you might be having second thoughts about the job.’

‘No, I’ve been having a great time as Ally.’

‘That’s what I thought, so I was surprised to receive your message.’

‘Sorry, I should have been clearer, but as you are here, would you be willing to get Carol’s shopping for her this morning?’

‘No problem, show me what she wants.'

As we looked at their website l noticed that there were some really cheap clothes that would suit me.

'Would you mind getting me one or two things as well if they have them in my size?’

She smiled.

‘Am I now talking to Ally or Alex.’

‘Sorry, I meant will you buy them for Ally..’

‘It gets a little complicated to think of you as two different people.’

‘If it were up to me, I would stick with Ally for the summer but I haven't yet found the courage to tell my parents about her.'

'Ok, I understand, show me what you want me to buy for Ally ' she said with a friendly smile.

I pointed out a dark red crop-top and a pair of pink jeans that seemed to be reasonably priced and she agreed to look out for them for me.

‘Would you mind getting me a push-up bra as well. I’ve been using Carol’s one and it is time that I replaced it.’

I walked with her as far as the Precinct and withdrew fifty pounds of my own money from a cash machine and gave it to her. She caught her bus and I returned to the house to await Mum’s call on my Aunt’s computer.

~o~O~o~

Mum was a little later than planned but her call eventually came through at about 12.30. I still felt a little awkward to be operating as my male self after nearly three weeks living as Ally.

‘Hi Mum!’ I said once the connection was made and her face appeared on the screen.

‘Hi Alex, you don’t look too happy, is everything all right?’

‘Yes, of course it is. I’ve been telling you exactly what I’ve been doing in my emails.’

‘I know; they have been unusually detailed. So you’ve been playing the keyboards on a cruise ship.’

‘That’s right; there are several musicians who accompany a group of girl singers including Carol and her friend.’

‘So I hear from your Aunt, but I understood that you had only been employed for the one voyage.’

‘We were, but we’ve just been told that we’re going to be kept on for the whole summer.

'Congratulations! But please take care and don’t do anything foolish, will you.’

‘Of course I won’t. I’m an adult now.’

‘By the way, what is the name of the liner that you work on?

‘The Fair Maid of Southampton: why do you want to know?’ I asked suspiciously

‘Your father and I were wondering whether we could come over to see you later in the summer.

‘But I’ll be away cruising the Mediterranean for most of the time.

‘Maybe we could get a booking on your liner in a few weeks so we could come and see you perform.’

‘I’m sure that won’t be necessary and it would make me nervous to have you both in the audience.’

‘But we’d like the opportunity to see you perform.’

I thought you didn’t approve of my musical ambitions.’

‘It’s a brand new liner, Mum, I expect it will be fully booked,’ I said.

‘There are normally some last minute cancellations, but at the moment Dad isn’t sure when he will be able to get away for a fortnight.’

She then changed the subject to what was really on her mind.

‘I understand from your Aunt that you’ve been looking at University prospectuses with a view to applying in October.’

‘Why did I have to mention that to my aunt?‘ I thought to myself.

‘I’m making no promises, but I am considering it,’ I replied. ‘This job will only be for the summer.’

‘Remember that the deadline for applications is in October.’

‘That’s only for Oxford and Cambridge. I’ve got until mid-January to decide for most Universities in the UK.’

‘Well I want you to know that Dad and I are right behind you and will support you.’

‘Thanks Mum, but you must understand that I need to decide for myself about my future.’

‘Yes, of course.’

Our conversation moved on to other things – principally about what they’d been doing in Bahrain, but also how I was getting on with my aunt and my cousin until eventually she noticed that we had been talking for nearly an hour.

‘I’ll have to go now Alex, but I’ve enjoyed this chat and maybe we could talk again next week?’

‘I don’t think so Mum, using the internet is both expensive and problematic whilst we are cruising. I can send and receive emails from whenever I get some time to visit an internet café on land but chat sessions are more difficult to arrange.’

What about when you’ve finished your next cruise and you’re back at Waterlooville?’ she asked.

‘That won’t be for three weeks so I can’t be sure, but I promise I’ll keep you regularly informed by email.’

She sighed but did not have enough time to argue the point.

‘Alright then, goodbye for now and take care.’

I logged off with a sigh of relief as Mum had not appeared to have any suspicions about Ally. I felt rather guilty about the number of lies and half-truths that I’d just told, and knew that sometime I would have to tell her what I'd been doing. On the other hand, though, I felt that I needed a little bit of time and space to sort out what I wanted to do with my life. The opportunity to spend time as Ally was the best thing that had ever happened to me and the last thing I wanted was for her and dad to come over and spoil things. It was my life, after all. I took my mind off my anxieties and feelings of guilt by preparing the evening meal for us all.

~o~O~o~

Beth returned at three o’clock.

‘How did you get on with your mother?’ she asked.

‘Not too bad, I suppose, she doesn't appear to have any suspicions but is talking about them both coming over to the UK later in the summer.’

‘That could be a little awkward for you.’

‘I know but she hasn’t fixed a date yet.’

She handed over two carrier bags, one for Carol and one for me.

‘There was some change from the fifty pounds so I’ve also bought you a couple of pairs of tights as well, as they are expensive to buy on board,’ she said

‘Thanks, I said, putting them down.’

‘Well, aren’t you going to try them on?’

‘Do you think I should?’

‘It’s up to you, of course, but you’ll want to make sure that they look good on you as the only opportunity you will have to take them back will be tomorrow morning.’

‘But I’ll have to revert to being Ally.’

‘So what? Now that you’ve spoken to your Mother there’s nothing to stop you from doing so. It may even cheer you up at little. You don’t seem to be your normal self today.’

‘I suppose I’m going to have to change back to Ally tomorrow, so I may as well do so now.’

‘Do you want me to give you a hand to get changed?’

‘Would you help me to tape on my boobs and clip in the hair extensions, then I’ll try on the various purchases and you can tell me how they look.’

Beth did so and we both agreed that my new purchases looked alright and that I should keep them.

‘I’ll just put on a little makeup as well; I feel undressed without it these days,’ I said, once again switching to Ally’s voice.

She smiled.

‘What are you going to do about your fingernails?’

‘They do look a bit of a mess, but Maria has offered to help me with them and give me some new hair extensions if there is enough time after we arrive back tomorrow before our evening performance.’

~o~O~o~

Carol arrived back just as I’d finished changing back to Ally, and I now felt more comfortable in the presence of my cousin and my friend. They also seemed to be more at ease with me. We had a brief discussion as Beth handed over Carol’s shopping and we all showed off our purchases.

‘I've bought this for you Carol to replace the one I’ve been borrowing,’ I said, offering her the new bra.

‘No that’s alright Ally, I've plenty of bras, you should keep it for yourself.'
.
‘Did you know that Maria has offered Ally a free makeover in the salon tomorrow?’ Beth asked Carol.

‘No.'

But only if I can get back to the ship at a reasonable time, as the salon is only available for use whilst the passengers are embarking,’ I added. ‘Would you two mind if I left early, tomorrow?'

Carol shrugged.

‘There’s nothing stopping you from going back tonight if you want to,’ she replied.

‘If someone had made that offer to me I’d be knocking on the salon door at nine o’clock in the morning.’

‘Would your mother mind if I went back to the ship a day early?’ I asked.

‘Of course she won't. You could catch a bus to Cosham Station after dinner this evening and get a train to Southampton. You would be back on board within two hours.’

‘I may just do that.’ I replied looking at my nails.

~o~O~o~

Over dinner I gave Aunt Emma an account of my conversation with Mum.

‘So what are you going to do if they do decide to come over?’

‘I’ll have to face that problem if and when it happens,’ I replied.

‘Hmm,’ was her noncommittal reply.

‘Mum, Ally has been offered a free makeover by her new roommate tomorrow if she can get back to the ship in good time. Would you be able to give her a lift to Cosham after dinner so that she can catch the train?’

Aunt Emma turned towards me.

‘Is that what you want, Ally?’

‘Yes please.’

My aunt studied me for a second or two before replying.

‘Very well, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go back early, if you want to.’

‘Thanks,' I replied blushing as I was unable to disguise that I was pleased about it.

‘You go and get yourself packed ready to leave while I clear up from the meal. Beth and I will see you on board tomorrow evening,’ said Carol with a smile.

Whilst Aunt Emma drove me the four and a half miles to Cosham Station, I sent a quick text message to Maria to expect me back on board later that evening. Her reply came through almost immediately.

‘Good! – We can make start after our breakfast tomorrow – Maria ;-).’

Carol also came along for the ride and they waited with me until the arrival of the Portsmouth to Southampton train.

‘Now take care Ally, and be sure to keep me informed what is happening.’

‘Don’t worry, Aunt Emma, I’ll send you a copy of whatever I send to Mum.’

‘I’m not sure whether that is going to be sufficient to allay all of my concerns about your future, but maybe we will have more chance to talk together next time you come back.’

‘Goodbye Ally. I hope you enjoy the makeover. I’ll see you tomorrow evening, no doubt looking stunning,’ said Carol with a smile.

I blushed once again. Aunt Emma smiled and shook her head at the same time.

~o~O~o~

---

 

Next time: Back on board

Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise

 

---

 
Chapter 11 A Makeover

As Carol had predicted, I’d arrived back on board the ship by 9.00pm, and found my way to the cabin that I’d be sharing with Maria on the coming voyage.

‘Hello Ally, I am pleased that you come back early; it will enable us to do a good job tomorrow,’ she said as I entered.

‘Thanks, Maria; what’s that parcel on my bunk?’

‘It came to you this morning.’

‘I expect it’s my breast forms,’ I said, picking it up.

I opened the box, and took out two lifelike silicone breasts.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. 'Will they be big enough for me?'

‘They look well to me but we’ll have to see how they appear when they are stuck in place. But first we need to discuss what I will to do tomorrow.’

‘Yes, what exactly do you have in mind?’ I asked, a little suspiciously.

‘We have plenty time to make your nails later. First I want to replace your hair extensions with more permanent ones with keratin tips. I have a set available made of human hair. They look more natural and will stay in place for the whole summer.’

‘I thought the existing ones were alright,’ I protested.

‘Maybe they look alright, as you say, but if you are to look really good I must be able to style your hair properly with extensions fixed in place.’

‘Alright; if you think it necessary.’

‘Please take out the extensions for me.’

I did as she asked and felt a little odd to be dressed as Ally but with shorter hair. Maria didn’t comment; she examined my head.

‘Your own hair is thick and long enough to be able to hide the joins. I will give it a better shape, and then I will need to lighten the colour to match the extensions. I think you will look good as a blonde.’

‘Goodness only knows what Mum is going to say when she next sees me on Skype – but what the hell! How many other times will I get such an opportunity?’ I thought to myself.

‘How long are they?’

‘The longest are sixty-five centimetres, from your head to your new breasts.’

‘I shall enjoy having long hair,’ I said, ‘but I’ll have to get used to having it all the time.’

‘If any fall out I can fix them back in again for you.’

‘But won’t new ones be expensive?’

‘Most of the expense will be for my time, which I am giving to you. I have been told to charge the cost of the materials that I use to the Entertainments Office who will pay.

‘Thank you.'

‘Also I have been told that I will spend one hour each evening helping the three of you to get ready.’

‘I trust they will be paying you overtime for this work.’

‘I will take a two hour lunch break as that is the quiet time. It will give me more time to learn my lessons.’

‘Maybe we can arrange a daily English lesson for you during the lunch break as I’m normally free then.’

‘Thank you, Ally. I would like to do that.’

'So will I,' I added with a smile.

‘So will you be happy to become a blonde?’ she asked.

‘Go ahead. I’ll have to trust your judgment,’ I replied.

Maria now looked at my short bare fingernails and frowned.

‘Tomorrow I give you manicure and then fix your finger nails. This time I use gel tips which are more natural looking, stronger and more flexible than the acrylic nails that you had before.’

‘I’ll have to leave any decisions regarding my appearance in your hands, at least for the time being.’

‘Maybe you should do that for a while, but you will gradually learn what for you is right. Then you will be able to decide for yourself.’

It took me some time to get to sleep that night as I was feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about the following day.

~o~O~o~

Maria insisted that I should not put on any makeup or wear any jewellery other than my Bunny studs when I went down to breakfast the following morning, but I was allowed to put in my existing hair extensions, as I didn’t feel confident enough to go out as Ally with short hair. I felt rather drab and underdressed and was glad that there were very few people in the staff dining room as most of those I knew were still ashore. At nine o’clock we made our way to the deserted salon. Over the next nine hours she got down to work on my appearance whilst we talked together and I corrected her grammar or suggested alternative terms to add to her vocabulary.

‘May I watch what you are doing in the mirror?’ I asked as soon as she finished cutting and colouring my own hair and I was sitting up once again.

‘I prefer you wait until I finished and then you see efecto global of my work.’

‘We would say ‘the overall effect’. But if I’m not allowed to see what you’re doing, you must try to explain it to me, in English. I will help you to say it properly.’

‘If you insist. I begin at the back. I comb the hair up to create a parting and insert several strands of your hair in to this plastic guide. I take a swatch of the new hairs and soften the keratin tip using a heated iron. When it is warm I wrap the tip around the roots of your own hair and roll them together until they are permanently bonded.'

‘How many swatches are there?’

‘I have three hundred, if I am going to do a good job. It will take me several hours but your hair will look and feel good when it is finished.’

Having previously worked in her parents’ salon, Maria already knew much of the specialised English technical vocabulary relating to hair and beauty treatments which was often quite similar to the Spanish equivalents. It was in other areas that she needed to improve, just as she occasionally made grammatical mistakes. As with any language learner, she needed to gain confidence and experience by using English in many different situations. This was one area that I could help her, especially as we were going to share a cabin.

At one point I was trying to explain to her the difference between curly hair and wavy hair.

‘So many different words meaning the same thing!’ she exclaimed in exasperation ‘Why cannot English be more like Spanish!’ she complained.

‘I don’t know, I guess it is because the British are such mongrels.’

‘Mongrels?’ she asked.

‘Mestizo?’ I replied, but not sure whether this was the right word.

‘Ah, you mean Chuchos.’

I could gradually feel the weight of so much extra hair and caught sight of the strands resting on my shoulders.

‘How do I look as a blonde?’ I asked once she had attached the final swatch of hair over two hours later.

She looked at me and smiled.

‘You will have to wait to see. I will now cut and style your new hair and put it in to rollers ready for your performance this evening.

‘What will I need to do with my hair when I go to bed?’ I asked.

‘You should brush it and tie it in a ponytail so that it does not tangle and then brush it carefully again in the morning. Tonight I will show you what to do.’

‘It sounds like a lot of effort.’

‘Of course, but that is necessary if you wish to look beautiful.’

We briefly stopped for a cup of coffee once she had finished with my hair and placed me under a dryer.

‘Alright Ally, I will now make your nails and give you a cera de cuerpo entero, before I stick on your breasts. If we have time, I will also make your eyelashes grow longer.'

‘What is Cera de cuerpo entero?’ I asked, unsure of the term and knowing only that it related in some way to bodies.

‘You will see,’ she said smiling.

~o~O~o~

After coffee Maria cleaned off the last traces of acrylic from my finger nails, checked that the cuticles had been pushed back and filed the tips with an emery board. She surrounded each nail with flexible metallic forms and placed a small blob of gel onto the end of each in turn. Using a spatula, she slowly smoothed it out to form the shape of the new nail. She could not prevent me from seeing the results of her work.

‘When I have finished they will look just like your own nails, but you should continue to use nail varnish to protect them.’

‘I’ve been doing so over the last fortnight. I like to wear nail varnish even if it does take a long time to dry.’

‘Good. It is important to look after the nails.’

‘Is this hand ready now?’ I asked examining my left hand whilst she continued working on the right.

‘Not until we put it under ultra-violet light to set them permanently. Afterwards I will buff and shape them and apply the nail polish. What colour will you wear tonight?’ she asked.

‘Our new Bunny outfits are black and white, but they have long gloves.’

‘Good, the colour will not matter. I recommend a light pink, such as this?’ she said holding up a small bottle.

‘Please go ahead,’ I replied.

‘It will go well with your new blonde hair.

~o~O~o~

By one o’clock my hair and finger nails were dry and so I suggested a break for some lunch in the staff canteen.

‘We have no time for lunch,’ Maria said definitely. ‘We still have much work to do. You must be prepared to suffer a little discomfort for the sake of your beauty regime.’

I was allowed a short break with a coffee and some sandwiches from the canteen, but only on condition that I promised not to get up from the dryer and look at myself in one of the mirrors, the nearest of which had been covered over by a towel. I must admit that I was tempted to do so whilst she was away but in the end I decided not to spoil Maria's fun as she was clearly enjoying herself. Once we had finished eating Maria returned to the job in hand.

‘As you came back early there will be time for your depilacíon con cera de cuerpo entero,’ she said taking a large tub of a light brown substance out of the cupboard, removing the lid and placing it in a microwave oven with the lid placed loosely on top.

‘I think the English phrase is ‘body waxing,’ I said, now realising what it was she had in mind to do.

‘Ah yes! I will remember that next time. Go behind the screens and undress as far as your panties, and remove your existing breasts.’

I did as she instructed and felt self-conscious as she had not seen me flat chested before. She did not seem to worry though.

‘Now, Ally, lay down on the bench.’

‘It should be lie down. ‘To lay’ is a transitive verb which describes an action that is done to something – but don’t worry lots of English speakers get that one wrong.’

‘But I thought that lie was an untruth.’

‘It is but it is also an intransitive verb meaning ‘to rest,’ or to be in a horizontal position.’

Maria shook her head and sighed in disbelief.

‘I want you in a horizontal position,’ she said.

I followed her instructions not wishing to add to her grief.

‘I won’t be able to see what you are doing, so you must explain it to me,’ I said.

‘I think the wax has reached the right temperature now – it should be a mixture between the solid and the liquid with a soft crust on the top. I test a small quantity on the inside of my arm to make sure that I do not burn you.’

‘I’m glad about that.’

‘The temperature is fine so now I spread a long strip about two inches wide, on to your arm. Once it has set, after a few seconds, I flick up one end with a spatula like this.

As Maria spoke she performed each action that she was describing. It was not an unpleasant sensation.

‘Now I quickly pull off the wax strip with my right hand whilst holding down your skin with the fingers of my left hand.’

I felt a slight tingling feeling on my arm but no real pain.

‘Any hairs will be removed,’ she said showing me the tiny hairs stuck on to the strip. This will last you much longer than shaving them.’

Maria had clearly given full-body waxes before as she was methodical and fast in spreading the strips of wax and then pulling them off. In most areas of my body the process hardly hurt at all, just created a tingling feeling which I soon got used to. The two areas where it did hurt a little were my armpits and the back and sides of my neck, both of which were a little sore for a while so she cooled them with a water spray before continuing with her task.

‘Those areas will hurt for a little while but in an hour you will have forgotten,’ she stated.

‘Are you spreading wax on to my eyebrows?’ I asked at one point, a little anxiously.

‘Yes but I am only tidying around the edges. Most of each brow will be left intacto. Fuller eyebrows are now fashionable for girls,’ she announced.

‘That’s a relief to know,’ I thought.

~o~O~o~

As soon as Maria had finished I sat up and she stood back to look at her handiwork.

‘Yes, that is a great improvement.’

‘Thank you, but how long will it be before I need it done again?’ I asked.

‘Four maybe five weeks, we will see how quickly they grow again. But now we must fix your new breasts before you get dressed again.’

Maria read the instructions on the package and carefully placed each breast in order to get an idea where the edges would come. She made a tiny mark in felt tip pen on each breast and on my skin so that she would be able to place them exactly when the time came. She then took the aerosol containing the medical adhesive which came with the forms and sprayed in two circles around my own breasts where the forms would be placed.

‘Please use your fingers to spread the glue where I have just sprayed, Ally. It will be better that I do not get glue on my fingers.’

‘Don’t you need to put glue on to the middle of the form?’ I asked.

‘No. It says to use glue only on the edges, suction should hold them in place.’

I did as she instructed and afterwards she handed me a tissue containing adhesive remover.

‘The instructions say to wait at least seven minutes until the glue is ready to stick. Is there anything you want me to do whilst we wait?’

I was about to ask Maria to replace the Bunny studs with the drop earrings loaned to me by Carol, but then I had an idea. Both Beth and Carol had twin ear piercings and so were able to wear both the Bunnies and some more glamorous earrings at the same time.

‘Maria, would you be able to give me a second ear piercing for the studs that I have?’ I asked.

‘No problem but they will have to stay in place until the holes heal.

‘I understand.’

The piercing was completed with a minimum of discomfort and in future I could wear drop earrings as well as the studs.

By this time the required wait for the glue to cure was over. I lay back again whilst Maria carefully placed each one and stretched and stuck down the delicate edges to my own skin. She then removed her guide marks. By the time she had finished the joins were barely noticeable so any casual observer would think that my breasts were natural.

‘I show you how to use some foundation to disguise the joins in case they are visible. After you shower you should learn to do this for yourself.’

‘How long can they stay in place before I need to take them off?’ I asked.

‘We will have to see; at least a week, and perhaps longer.’

I sat up and allowed my new breasts to hang unsupported.

'I do not think they are too small. They are just the right size for you,' commented my friend and I was inclined to agree.

Maria handed me my new push-up bra and helped me to adjust it to my new shape. Suddenly I’d acquired a respectable and entirely convincing cleavage.

‘As long as you don’t try to wear a very low-cut dress nobody will ever know.’

‘Thank you for your help.’

‘You may get yourself dressed now.

By this time, I’d perfected the art of pushing my testicles back into my body cavity and tucking my penis between my legs without causing myself any discomfort, and then holding everything in place using a home-made gaff, so that I could wear any garment without giving any hint of my manhood. As I put on my tights and my new dress, I noticed that the skin of my arms and legs now felt silky and smooth, so I guess that the waxing had been worth the minor discomfort involved. Also, with my new breasts in place my dress seemed to fit me better and I felt more confident about the way I looked.

‘You are now beginning to look like a real woman,’ Maria commented when I’d finished dressing.

‘Thank you, I’m beginning to feel like one as well.’

~o~O~o~

It was now four o’clock and Maria allowed me the luxury of another cup of coffee, followed by a visit to the ladies' loo but only on condition that I promised not to look at myself in the mirrors.

‘What time do you need to be ready for your singing this evening?’ she asked, when I returned.

‘I told Carol and Beth that I would meet them at 6.00pm to try on our new costumes and begin the rehearsal, but that is quite early as we do not start until nine o’clock. I could send them a text message to say I will need an extra half an hour, if you wish’ I replied.

‘Yes, please do so. That will give me enough time to finish your hair and lengthen your eyelashes.’

‘What are you intending to do to my eyelashes?’ I asked.

‘I will glue on extensions to make them longer and fuller,’ she said.

‘Will I be able to remove them?’

‘No, not once they are in place, but they will fall out naturally after four or five weeks. Unfortunately they do not last as long as the hair extensions.’

'I don’t think I will be able to avoid my mother’s gaze for four or five weeks, but it is now too late for me to go back,’ I thought to myself.

Once again Maria gave me a commentary on what she was doing and I corrected her grammar or suggested the most appropriate word when necessary.

‘First we clean your eyes to ensure that there is no mascara on them. Next I stick these silk shields over each eyelid and over the lower lashes using medical tape.’

She performed each action as she spoke.

‘Now I carefully separate each of your lashes and place a tiny lump of glue on to each artificial lash.’

She held one up with a pair of tweezers for me to see.

‘I think it may be better to say a tiny piece or spot of glue,’ I corrected.

‘Now I stick each one on to your natural lash.’

‘You have done this before, Maria?’ I questioned.

‘Yes, of course, plenty of time.’

‘Many times,’ I corrected.

Maria continued with her task whilst I lay back and enjoyed the sensation until I eventually emerged with long, thick and dark eyelashes that I could feel but still wasn't allowed to look at.

'How do they look?' I asked.

Maria shrugged her shoulders and then smiled and nodded.

'Pretty good,' as you say.

In spite of the time and trouble involved, I could now see why girls enjoyed having such beauty treatments. Without being able to see the results of her work, I nevertheless felt great.

~o~O~o~

---

 

Next time: Some publicity shots

Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise

 

---

 
Chapter 12 Some publicity shots

In spite of having received my text message, Carol and Beth arrived at the salon at five thirty, as they were both anxious to see how things had been going for me, but Maria refused to let them in.

‘We are not finished yet. I need to have one more hour and I will also be able to help Ally with her makeup.’

‘Alright but tell her to come straight to our cabin at six thirty as we’ll have to try on our new stage costumes and begin to practice for the show tonight,’ said Beth.

The two other Bunnies returned to their cabin to begin getting themselves ready whilst Maria finished the last of my lashes and carefully removed the silk shields. She then went through a similar process with the lower lashes. My eyes felt a little strange and the lashes tended to flutter somewhat at first, but she assured me that I would soon get used to them.

‘Now that you have the eyelash extensions in place you will find that you no longer need to wear mascara for most occasions. I will give you a small brush so that you keep them looking tidy.’

‘What about when we’re performing?’

‘If you have to wear mascara, make sure that you do not use an oil-based type or it may react with the glue and your eyelashes will clump together.’

‘I wouldn’t want to have clumpy eyelashes,‘ I said smiling.

I went to my handbag and showed her the mascara that I usually wore and she read through the ingredients.

‘That should be acceptable; I will put it on for you tonight but you must also take care when you remove your makeup after the show. You should also avoid getting the lashes wet in the shower until the glue is entirely set.’

‘How will I do that?’

‘I will lend you my swimming goggles to wear in the shower tonight, by tomorrow they should be alright.’

Maria had taken some trouble during the course of the day to make sure that I did not catch a glimpse of myself in any mirror. This continued as she applied my makeup, taking great care not to disturb my new eyelashes, which continued to flutter somewhat although I was gradually getting more used to them. However, even Maria’s precautions couldn’t prevent me from noticing how nice my finger nails now looked. She was right; the gel nails did look and feel more natural than the acrylic tips.

At last by six o’clock she was satisfied.

‘Alright Ally, you are now ready to go and meet your friends,’ she announced.

May I have a quick look at myself before we go?’ I asked.

‘I think it would be better if all three of the Honey Bunnies saw the announcement of your new look at the same time.’

‘I don’t think that announcement is quite the right word. Perhaps you mean unveiling?’

‘But you are not wearing a veil?’

I smiled.

‘Alright, you could use inauguration, or debut, or perhaps even opening.’

‘I hate the English language,’ she said.

I was only wearing my cheap Primark dress and the flat heels that Beth had given to me but I noticed that I received several admiring glances from passengers and members of staff during the relatively short walk between the beauty salon and the lift down to the first deck which contained the entrance to the female staff cabins. I guess that was mainly due to Maria’s efforts with my hair and makeup and also perhaps my new boobs and the push-up bra. We arrived at the cabin that I’d previously shared with Carol. I knocked on the door and it was opened by Beth. There was a momentary pause before she realised who was standing there, then a gasp of surprise.

‘My goodness Ally your hair looks wonderful, and your boobs! Come in – both of you - and we’ll have a good look at what Maria has done to you.’

‘O – M – G,’ spelled Carol as she caught sight of me. ‘What have you done to your hair?’

‘Maria thought I might look better as a blonde,’ I responded.

‘I only have two sets of hair extensions available and Ally’s complexion is too light for her to be a brunette,’ added Maria.

‘I’m not criticising, Maria,’ said Carol. ‘I think she looks beautiful - her hair, eyes, finger nails, boobs, makeup, everything. She looks like a beauty queen.’

Maria smiled at this comment, as if she’d achieved her objective. My cheeks coloured a little but I too was feeling happy.

‘But what have you done to Ally’s eyes?’ asked Beth.

‘Eyelash extensions, and a little tidying of her brows,’ explained Maria, clearly quite proud of her work.

‘They look great but how do they feel, Ally?’ Beth asked.

‘They feel fine; perhaps they were a little fluttery at first but I’m gradually getting used to them.’

‘And your boobs?’ asked Carol.

‘They are silicone breast forms, glued on with a medical adhesive, together with a push-up bra to create the cleavage,’ I replied.

‘Ally, you look fabulous, but isn’t all this going to create problems for you the next time that Alex needs to put in an appearance in front of his parents?’ asked Carol anxiously.

Maria now looked a little concerned as well.

‘Your parents do not know about Ally?’ she asked.

‘No, but my Aunt does,’ I replied.

‘I hope that we did not go too eager, that we got carried from here,’ said Maria.

‘I think you mean ‘got carried away’; it's an idiom,’ I said.

As she spoke I at last was able to see myself in the full-length mirror. It was the first time that I’d had more than a glimpse. The others were right, I looked stunning. My long blonde hair hung in soft curls down to my boobs. My eyes were bordered by lovely long lashes and seemed to glow. My lips looked luscious and tempting. For the first time in my life I felt as if I really belonged in my body.

‘Maybe we did get a little carried away, but I’m glad that we did so. I intend to enjoy myself as a girl on this voyage,’ I announced to the assembled company.

I noticed that Carol and Beth exchanged significant glances at one another, as if I’d been the subject of a long discussion between them on the train coming over.

‘So no second thoughts about accepting the job,’ said Beth with a smile.

‘It would be a little late for those,’ I replied now examining my polished finger nails.

‘In that case let’s all adjourn to the dressing room and see how we look in our new stage costumes,’ suggested Carol.

‘Before we go, let me just give you a squirt of my perfume and have you smelling as good as you look,’ said Beth.

As we made our way towards our dressing room to try on the new outfits, it occurred to me that one of the best things about living as a young woman was the enhanced range of sensations that I experienced. It was not just a question of how I looked in the mirror, or the admiring glances I might receive from others, but how I felt, wearing those lovely soft and close fitting garments, or having long hair and jewellery. It was also how I sounded when I spoke or sang and now even how I smelled. It was as if my new friends had gradually led me to an entirely new life.

‘How could I ever go back to that dull grey life as a man?’ I asked myself.

I didn’t attempt to formulate an answer to that question in my head, but I knew in my soul what it was.

Maria accompanied us to the dressing room to help the others with their hair and makeup. We first tried on the pink sparkly dresses, which by chance matched the nail varnish that Maria had chosen for me. I hadn’t realised just how short they would be when we’d ordered them online. When I’d put mine on, I was glad that I was wearing two pairs of panties and some tights but I still felt fairly exposed down below. I was also relieved that Maria had waxed my arms and armpits which now looked as smooth as the proverbial ‘baby’s bottom.’

Having satisfied ourselves that we looked alright in the first costume we changed to the black and white satin bunny costumes. These were not the traditional bunny-girl outfits which were little more than a one-piece bathing suit with a fluffy white bob tail at the back. These outfits had a short flared skirt which became fuller and longer at the back. There was also white panel at the front to look like a shirt front with a black dickie-bow and black buttons. They were designed with a halter neck with the front cut sufficiently low to show off a little of my newly acquired cleavage but without giving away any secrets. The outfit was completed by a pair of black satin ears, which were fun to wear but we had to help one another to put them on securely; There were also full length black satin gloves, black fishnet stockings held up by suspenders and black stiletto heels. None of us had worn stockings before and we all laughed at how sexy they felt and how provocative a glimpse of stocking top and suspenders could be under the short skirts.

Whilst Maria was busy fixing Beth’s makeup I helped Carol to brush her hair and put her bunny ears on straight, at the other end of the room.

‘Ally, are you sure that you’re alright with all this?’ she asked me quietly so the others wouldn’t hear.

‘With all what?’ I asked.

‘You know, with your having to live as Ally on the cruise again.’

‘Well, you were keen to encourage and facilitate me taking this job,’ I replied.

‘I know, but we seem to have taken things to a whole new level; I never imagined it would go this far.’

‘Nor me,’ I replied with a smile. ‘Do I seem to be unhappy?’

‘No; not at all. In fact it is quite the reverse. You slotted into the female role very well and appeared to be enjoying yourself during the last voyage.’

‘And I intend to do so on this one,’ I thought to myself.

‘Doesn’t that answer your question?’ I replied.

‘I just wonder what your parents are going to say when they discover what you’ve been doing.’

I sighed.

‘I do as well, but don’t let us spoil our fun tonight. I’ll worry about that later.’

‘As long as you’re doing this for your sake and not out of some mistaken belief that you need to go so far for the rest of us.’

‘Don’t worry, Carol, I wouldn’t have let things go this far unless I was happy about the result.’

Carol smiled at me.

‘I’m relieved to hear it. Before I left Mum last night we had a long talk about you. She asked me to find out whether she should expect to see Ally or Alex when you next come to stay at her house. Given everything that Maria has done to you today, I don’t think we’ll be seeing Alex again for some time to come.’

‘I guess not.’

‘Should I tell that to Mum then?’

I thought for a moment.

‘Can you give me a little more time to work out what I want to say and do?’

‘Yes, of course, maybe we can talk again nearer to the end of the cruise.

‘Alright then. Thanks, Carol.’

‘But I must say that you look really hot in that outfit and with those boobs and hair style.’

‘Thank you and you don’t look so bad, yourself,’ I said with a smile.

Frank called in to our dressing room shortly before we were due to begin our rehearsal.

‘Wow! You three look really - glamorous – I can see that my investment was worthwhile.’

We thanked him.

‘What do you think of my new boobs, Frank?’ I asked, coquettishly.

‘I was too much of a gentleman to notice them, but since you ask, Ally, I think that they look just like the real thing. What is more I do like your new hairstyle, it really suits you.’

‘Thanks, but it’s mainly due to Maria’s efforts. She will be helping us to get ready each evening.’

‘Hi Maria. You appear to have done an excellent job today, but I hope you’ll be very careful about what you say to your colleagues about Ally.'

‘Don’t worry, Ally shares a cabin with me on this voyage and I don’t want anyone to think that I share with other than a lady.’

'Good, that's what we all want.'

Maria had finished with Beth and prepared to leave us.

‘Thank you so much for your help today. I’m really pleased with everything you’ve done for me.’

I gave her a hug but was careful not to spoil my makeup.

‘I’m glad then that we got carried away,’ she said smiling.

‘Me too!’ I replied.

Frank now turned to us.

‘I’ve one of the ship’s photographers outside who would like to take some publicity shots of you and the guys before you begin rehearsing this evening.’

(The ship employed a couple of photographers who went round taking shots of the passengers in an attempt to sell them prints at inflated prices.)

We found the guys, looking very smart, dressed in their best suits, waiting for us in the music room. The photographer had already taken individual portraits and a couple of group shots of them. Now it was going to be our turn.

‘Wow just look at you three!’ said James as we came in wearing our new bunny costumes.

Tom gave a wolf-whistle

‘Ally, have you dyed your hair?’ asked James.

‘How nice of you to have noticed,’ I said in mock surprise.

Beth rolled her eyes about the reaction from our musicians.

‘Men! We go to all this trouble to look nice for their sake, and then they say something crass like that,’ she whispered to me in mock exasperation.

I smiled in response to her comment but knew that she was wrong. We went to all that trouble for our own sake – because it makes us feel good to do so. Still, it was nice to feel that I was now fully accepted into the sisterhood.

Whilst Beth was being photographed, George came over to me.

‘Ally I think you look really nice today and that hairstyle suits you,’ he said quietly, blushing as he did so.

‘Thank you, George’ I said giving him the nicest smile that I could manage. ‘You look very smart as well.’

Carol caught sight of this exchange and gave me a significant look. I wondered what she might be thinking and got some idea when she later smiled and winked her eye to me when George wasn’t looking.

After Carol and I had our portraits taken and we’d posed for a couple of shots with the three Bunnies, Frank asked for a few action shots of the six of us together. Of course the photographer had no idea about my background and for one shot he asked me to sit on George’s lap, with my arms round his shoulders whispering in his ear. On this occasion George didn’t seem as embarrassed by my presence and I even felt a faint bulge between his legs as I sat down, but of course I didn’t say anything and pretended not to notice. It was nice to know that I’d had that effect on him though. Carol was looking at me once again, so out of pure devilment I gave George a quick kiss as I got up. George went bright red and there was a lipstick mark on his cheek. I turned away and winked at my cousin.

I think we gave a pretty good performance later that evening; the guys were on excellent form and the Bunnies sang and danced well in our new outfits. Our audience were also appreciative. It is surprising what a difference the knowledge that you look good makes to one's confidence.

As usual the first full day out of Southampton was spent at sea, calling at Lisbon. We’d announced the ‘Bunny Hops’ for pre-teens and young teenagers on the daily publicity sheet sent to all passengers and received a good number who were interested in taking part. Frank looked in and seemed quite impressed with the numbers. He had also arranged to come and see us after our afternoon performance, bringing with him the prints of the publicity shots taken the day before. They looked great and he promised to let us have some copies when he had finished with them.

‘Now that I’ve got you all looking better, I’d like to use the Bucks and the Bunnies for publicity purposes. We’ll include some pictures of your performances on the printed programmes and maybe on the company website. I’d also like to encourage you to make use of the various social media.

‘The Bunnies already have our own Facebook and Twitter accounts,’ said Beth.

‘I also noted that some amateur shots of us have found their way on to Flickr,’ added Carol.

‘You might think about signing up to Instagram and Tumblr as well and adding a few of these photos,’ he added.

‘Using the Internet to keep track is very expensive on board,’ said Beth

‘I know, but that's mainly due to us having to use satellite communication when at sea. There would no objection to you using the ship’s Internet when we are in port or sailing close to land, as long as you are only doing so for work purposes,’ he said. ‘How about you guys?’

‘We sometime use Twitter and have our individual Facebook accounts, but we’re not as pretty as the girls,’ said Tom.

‘Maybe you are not as photogenic, but you are good musicians all the same. One of my staff will be making a publicity video for the cruise line and will be filming a number of your performances. I’d also like to add some clips of your performances to YouTube, both with and without the Bunnies.’

‘No problem, we’ll be happy to have the extra publicity,’ said Tom.

Frank now turned to us.

‘Have you three decided on the dance numbers you are going to perform in the theatre later this week?

‘Beth will perform the Beyoncé track, ‘Crazy in Love,’ Carol has decided on the Kylie Minogue number ‘Can't Get You Out of My Head’, and I’ll do the Martha and the Vandellas standard, ‘Dancing in the Street’. George has offered to help me work out the arrangements,’ I replied.

‘That sounds fine, what about the dance routines?’

‘Beth and I intend to use a couple of the Bunny Hops to try them out,’ added Carol.

‘Good, the first performance will be the evening after we leave Barcelona, and weekly thereafter.’

After Lisbon, it was another long day sail through the straits of Gibraltar and into the Mediterranean Sea, reaching Barcelona early the next morning.

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Chapter 13 The dress blue

As far as I was concerned the second cruise of the Fair Maid of Southampton proved to be even more successful than the first one. This was mainly because we all understood what we were doing and what to expect from each other this time. Our regular performances with the Young Bucks continued to go well and George and I finished the arrangements of our three new dance numbers so that the Bucks could work out the instrumental parts and Beth and Carol worked out some new dance routines for them. As requested, we began to develop two distinct performance styles – a more family oriented one during the afternoons and a sexier and more sophisticated one in the evenings, when we wore our short dresses or the Bunny outfits. Once again, Alex was entirely forgotten about for the duration of the voyage and Ally was accepted by everyone.

This total immersion into life as a young woman was beginning to have its effect on me. I lost count of the number of compliments I received from colleagues of both sexes about my 'new look' and felt more confident in mixed company. I was no longer worried that I might accidentally give myself away. Using Ally’s voice all the time came quite naturally to me and it would take a conscious effort to revert back to Alex again. Having long hair constantly in place, even when I was in bed, now felt quite normal to me and I was no longer anxious that I might be called out of bed in the night. Beth presented me with a half bottle of a perfume which she no longer used and I started to wear it on a regular basis. The lingering aroma served as a constant reminder to me of my new identity.

Maria took an active interest in the way I looked and gave me instruction in how to look after my hair and complexion after work each evening. In fact we all benefited from her help and advice as we were preparing for our evening performances. I’d become fairly proficient in the mechanics of using make up under Carol’s guidance, but Maria took things to another level showing me how to highlight and contour different parts of my face to achieve a more feminine look - although as she pointed out I'd not looked particularly masculine in the first place. She also taught me about the importance of colour and texture combinations to match the clothes I was wearing and which of the various finishes I should use and when. That is not to say I was now wearing more make up than previously but I was using it more effectively and I grew to look forward to the half hour or so that I took to make up my face each morning as a time when I could concentrate on me. I also developed the habit of checking up on my appearance and fixing anything that required attention whenever I had an opportunity to do so during the day. Equally I noticed that Carol and Beth had also began to wear make up more often and were more conscious of their general appearance when we were not performing. Thus we all seemed to be taking seriously Frank’s request for us to ‘enhance the glamour’ , not only in our evening performances but also in our everyday lives on board. To some degree, though, I was still hampered by my limited personal wardrobe based on clothes from the cheaper High Street retailers. I would have loved the opportunity to wear some of the dresses that I saw worn by the passengers, but they could afford expensive clothes and holidays and I couldn’t.

I continued to coach Maria in the English language for at least an hour each day and we all corrected her at other times when we were together. Thus, whilst she was teaching us about hair styles and makeup, she was simultaneously learning her English grammar and extending her vocabulary. There was no doubt that she was improving as a result of living and working in close proximity with native English speakers and from the one to one attention she received from me during our daily lessons. I was enjoying the role of a language teacher and began to wonder whether this might make a worthwhile career for me. I loved performing as one of the Bunnies but realised that we were not good enough to be really successful and in any event the others would be leaving to return to their University courses come September.

By the time we were due to make our second call at Barcelona, Carol and Beth had arranged to go ashore with their new boyfriends, Richard and John. They asked me if I wanted to come with them, but I’d no particular wish to play gooseberry, or to end up on a blind date with one of their male friends. I considered tagging along with the guys who planned to visit the 1992 Olympic Stadium and then take the cable car to Montjuic Castle, but I wasn’t a sports fan and those games took place four years before I was even born. I was also beginning to run short of suitable clothes to wear.

‘Maria, are there any good markets for clothing in Barcelona?’ I asked after one of our lessons.

‘Beth said that you were all planning to visit the Parc Guell.’

‘I’ve decided not to go with them this time. I really need to buy myself a new dress.’

‘There is the Mercat Del Encants in the Plaça de les Glories Catalanes but it would not be wise for you to go alone as there are many bolsa ladrón.’

We had to consult her dictionary as neither of us knew the equivalent translation for what turned out to be bag-snatchers.

‘Would you be interested in coming with me?’ I asked.

‘Sorry Ally, but I have arranged to take the lunch with my family in Vallcarca.‘

‘No problem.’

She thought for a moment.

‘I have a dress blue at my house which I mistake when I bought and looks bad on me. I wear it only once but I think it would look good on you. Will you come to my home and I will show it to you? I have told my family how much you help me with English and they would like to thank you.’

‘It should be a blue dress; in English the adjective goes before the noun that it describes. But I hope you haven’t told them the whole story about me?’ I asked.

‘Oh no, I say that you are my girlfriend who shares my cabin, otherwise they would not approve.’

‘Alright, I should be happy to come home with you, and if I like the dress I will repay you the cost of it.’

I put on a fairly non-descript grey skirt and pink blouse both of which I’d inherited from Susan’s box of cast offs and felt a little dowdy after the rather glamorous image that we’d portrayed recently. But the shoes that I wore looked quite stylish and I attempted to make up for the rest with my hair and makeup, so Maria and the other Bunnies confirmed that I looked fine. We travelled on the green line together with Carol, Beth and their boyfriends as far Lesseps, where our friends alighted to spend the day visiting Gaudi’s Parc Guell. Maria and I travelled on to the next station, Vallcarca, before walking about half a kilometre to the family flat above their beauty salon. Maria gave me a little background as we approached.

‘We will take la comida with my parents at 1.30pm. This is the largest meal of the day in Spain and has several courses, with wine. My parents speak no English and our home language is català – the Catalan language - but they will speak in Spanish today for your sake.’

‘I hope they will speak slowly,’ I replied.

‘You can ask me in English if you do not understand – they will not be offended.’

I found the couple of hours that I spent with Maria’s parents to be a humbling and draining experience. They could not have been more friendly and hospitable to me, but now our positions were reversed and I was the one struggling with a language that was not my own. Up to that point it had been easy for me to feel clever as I corrected Maria’s speech, but now I realised just how difficult it was when someone thought in one language whilst attempting to speak in another. I’d only just managed to get my head around operating in a different gender from the one in which I’d been raised, and now I was trying to speak in a different language as well.

The meal was sumptuous affair - bean soup with fresh bread and butter followed by a variety of fresh seafood, fried potatoes and a green salad. The dessert was a fruit flan with home-made ice-cream. My wine glass was topped up with cava each time I took a sip. I began to worry that if I ate any more I would never fit inside the dress that Maria had in mind to sell to me. The meal was finished with a cup of black coffee that was so strong it made my head spin, but I was able to decline the offer of a liqueur or glass of brandy without offending my hosts.

Eventually we made our exit and went up to Maria’s bedroom, where she opened her wardrobe.

‘Here it is Ally, what you think?’

It was a lovely looking royal blue sleeveless, mid-length dress with a ‘V’ neck, but I could see at a glance that it would be wrong for Maria with her colouring. It also struck me that I was beginning to think about clothes as a girl might do.

‘I think it’s lovely. May I try it on?’

‘I will help you.’

I slipped out of my skirt and blouse and Maria helped me to put on the new dress, zipping it up at the back for me. It was well tailored, nicely lined and seemed to fit me perfectly. It showed just enough cleavage to make my artificial boobs appear like the real thing.

‘Why did you choose this dress if it was not right for you?’ I asked.

‘Every girl has a dress in her wardrobe which was a mistake. It will happen to you one day in the future. I like the colour and the dress looked good in the shop. My boyfriend said I looked good but later I discover he is colour-blind and has no taste. When I went out in daylight it made me look ill. Come with me to the balcony and we will see if it still looks as good on you.’

I followed her instructions.

‘See, it looks better on you in daylight. The colour is right for you.’

‘How much did you pay for it?’ I asked, hoping that it wasn’t as expensive as it looked.

‘My boyfriend pay the bill, but now he has another girlfriend to buy dresses for.’

I could see that the dress didn’t have particularly good memories for her.

‘But how much did it cost?’

‘That is my secret. I give the dress to you.’

‘Maria, I can’t keep taking gifts from you.’

‘Ally, you give me piles of your time, and I hope you continue to do so.’

‘I think you might mean ‘heaps’ or better still ‘plenty of your time’,’ I corrected with a smile as I took another look at myself in her bedroom mirror.

The dress felt comfortable to wear and went well with the heels that I was then wearing. I took out the fake Lauren sunglasses from my handbag and put them on. It looked even better. I felt quite sophisticated.

‘In that case, thank you very much, Maria. May I continue to wear it back to the ship this afternoon?’

‘Of course! I will give you a bag plastic to carry your other clothes.’

As we came down the stairs from Maria’s bedroom to the living room, her mother took one look at me and said: ‘bella dama.’

I smiled.

‘Gracias señora.’

She’d clearly been preparing a small speech in English.

‘Maria say you help her much with the English. We thank you.’

With that she handed over a gift-wrapped parcel.

‘Productos cosméticos,’ she explained, smiling.

‘Maria, I can’t accept these,’ I whispered.

‘Please take them. It will make my mother happy. Many of them come free to owners of the salon beauty.’

‘But I already have everything that I need on the ship.’

‘These are for you to use at home, when I am not there to help you.’

‘There are enough here to last me a lifetime.’

‘Not for a lifetime, once you have opened a product you should not keep it longer than a year.’

I smiled and accepted the gift and attempted to respond to her mother in Spanish. I wanted to say that I was embarrassed to accept such generosity.

‘Estoy embarazada,’ I began, looking for the right words.

Maria’s mother’s face showed an element of surprise.

‘Ally, you have just told my mother that you are pregnant!’ Maria whispered.

I went bright red, realising that I’d just committed the ‘schoolgirl howler’ of confusing the Spanish word for pregnancy (embarazo) with that for embarrassment (vergüenza).

My mind went blank and all I could manage was ‘Muchas gracias.’

Maria then said something to her mother in Catalan which clarified the situation and we all laughed at my mistake.

Before we left I once again thanked Maria’s parents for a wonderful meal and their generosity and in return they said they hoped that I would come again for lunch on the next occasion I was in Barcelona. On the way back to Drassanes and the Ferry terminal Maria explained to me that she’d had an abortive love affair over the last academic year.

‘I waste my time trying to please a stupid man, then he find someone else and I fail my exams. Now I must spend my Summer vacation learning English,’ she complained.

I turned and gave her a hug, something that Alex would never have thought to do.

‘Don’t worry, Maria, there are plenty more fish in the sea.’

‘Fish? What do I want with a fish?’

I laughed.

‘It is just a phrase we use to remind people that there are many more men out there, especially for someone as good looking as you.’

‘Thank you, Ally, but first I must pass my exams, then I find a good looking man.’

‘I think you will pass next time and maybe we can have some good times together as well,’ I replied.

‘I hope so,’ she answered, now smiling.

Beth and Carol and their new friends had arrived shortly before us and were chatting with the security staff on the quayside before returning to the ship.

‘How was your day, Carol?’ I asked.

‘Fine thanks, we’ve had a great time. It looks as if you two have been out shopping together,’ she said referring to my new dress and the carrier bag I was holding.

‘Ally, you really are beginning to develop your own ‘look’, that dress is exactly right for you,’ said Beth.

‘Thanks, it is nice of you to say so.’

Maria and I exchanged glances and smiled before returning to the ship.

It occurred to me that no one had ever complimented Alex on how nice he looked or his choice of clothing.

That evening the six of us performed for the first time in the theatre on a full-sized stage before a large audience. It went well but I began to realise our limitations as a group. Musically, our performance was pretty good and the audience certainly showed their appreciation, but none of us were first-rate dancers, especially me. Maybe the guys would be able to go on to become full-time professional musicians, but the Bunnies were getting by partly on the basis of our voices and also to some degree on our looks. If I were honest, there were any number of girl groups who were equally as good as we were, many of which had useful contacts in the business. Maybe we might make it as performers for a year or two but it was not going to be a career for any of us.

‘If I want to remain living as Ally in the longer term, I’ll have to find some other means of supporting myself,’ I found myself thinking. This time though I was no longer alarmed by the implications of having such a thought.

After leaving Barcelona we had a day at sea whilst the ship sailed to the south of Sardinia and thence to Palermo in Sicily. We therefore had another busy day with a successful ‘Bunny Hop’ in the morning followed by performances with the guys in the afternoon and the evening. As a result The Bunnies were allowed ashore for a couple of hours in Palermo, whilst the guys helped with a coach excursion. Carol decided to stay on board as she was suffering from period pains but she encouraged Beth and I to go without her. We looked around for a while then gravitated to a café offering free wi-fi.

‘You do look smart these days, Ally. If we’re not careful you’ll be putting the rest of us in the shade,’ commented Beth.

I’d chosen to wear my blue dress once again.

‘I don’t think that’s likely, but if I do look alright it is largely due to my sharing a cabin with Maria. She takes an active interest in how I look and won’t let me leave each morning until she’s satisfied with my hair and makeup,’ I replied.

‘But it isn’t just Maria’s influence; I get the impression that you’re beginning to take a pride in the way you look.’

‘That’s nice of you to say so. I suppose I do so now that I’ve got a reasonable choice of clothes to wear and I’m gradually becoming more competent at putting on my makeup and doing my hair.’

‘You also seem to be more at ease as a girl on this voyage,’ she continued. ‘I don’t think that anyone suspected last time, but you did sometimes seem a little on edge.’

‘I was worried that I might inadvertently give myself away, but I think that’s less likely now.’

‘So now you can sit back and enjoy yourself as a girl.’

I smiled at the thought.

‘I like the way that people treat me as a girl, and find that I’m more friendly and chatty with them. However, I’m getting a little concerned with the longer term implications of what I’m doing?’

‘In what way?’

‘Working as one of the Bunnies is a wonderful summer job, but you and Carol will be going back to University in September and I’ll soon have to make some serious decisions about my future.’

‘Yes I guess so.’

‘Although I send regular emails to my parents, I suspect there may come a time when they either want to talk to me online, or perhaps even decide to come over and meet me. What am I going do then?’

‘You would either have to face them as Ally, or undertake a rapid switch back to Alex.’

I agreed, but at that point neither alternative seemed to be acceptable.

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Chapter 14 Rocking the boat

After Palermo, we sailed into the Ionian Sea and the Adriatic, calling at Dubrovnik. From there it was a day’s journey before we reached Venice. Life carried on much as before. In the evenings the Bunnies had four stage outfits to choose from so were able to switch them regularly to give more variety to our performances. George and I continued to meet up for a few hours each week where we went through any suggestions for new material from our colleagues in the Bucks or the Bunnies, where necessary working out new arrangements to suit the available voices and instruments. These were normally friendly affairs where we worked well together. On one occasion we’d just stopped for a glass of squash after we’d successfully finished arranging a new version of the Beyoncé song ‘If I Were a Boy’.

‘Don’t you feel a little odd when you are singing that song, Ally?’ asked George.

‘No, why should I?’ I responded, playing dumb but realising what he probably had in mind.

‘Well, despite the way you look, sound and act, you are still a boy.’

My genetic sex was the one topic that George and I had avoided discussing up to that point, partly because he clearly found it a source of embarrassment and there was always a danger that someone might overhear our conversation, although on this occasion there was no one else in the room.

‘Maybe there is a certain irony associated with my singing those words, but the song was suggested by Carol and she’ll be the lead singer when we come to perform it. I’ll be one of the backing vocals.’

I assumed that George would now let the matter drop, but he seemed unwilling to do so.

‘Carol told me that prior to joining the Bunnies in May, you were just an ordinary guy.’

‘If being ‘an ordinary guy’ means having a boring dead-end job, feeling constantly depressed, not knowing what to do with my life, and in denial about my gender identity, then I guess she was right,’ I thought to myself.

‘Carol had no idea what was going on in my head,’ I replied coolly.

He seemed to want to get something off his chest but was struggling to find the right words to do so.

‘It is just that you appear to be so feminine and yet I know that you’re a male. … I don’t know how to react towards you.’

This last comment may have been quite true but it irritated me, all the same.

‘Look George, don’t you think I’ve got enough issues of my own to deal without worrying about any hang-ups you may have concerning your own sexuality? If you can’t cope with the fact that I was born a boy, let’s forget about these sessions and keep our distance from one another.’

Our conversation clearly hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped, but I didn’t know what he wanted me to do, or say. I was who I was.

‘I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you Ally. I enjoy working with you and don’t want to lose your friendship.’

As he said this he lightly touched my hand with his. I looked down at our hands to avoid looking him in the eyes.

‘In that case you’d better learn to accept me as I am,’ I replied, gently removing my hand from his. ‘Now shall we get back to the music?’

‘Jim and Tom have arranged to help out on a coach excursion to the Dolomites when we dock in Venice tomorrow but I’ve never seen the city. I was wondering whether I might join you and the other Bunnies when you go ashore.’

‘I don’t know what Beth and Carol are planning for tomorrow, and there’s also Maria to consider,’ I replied coolly.

‘That’s ok, I expect I’ll have a look around on my own,’ he replied, sounding a little disappointed.

It seemed as if he’d been plucking up the courage to ask me out, but had done so in a rather strange way.

‘I’ll let you know later this evening what we’re planning,’ I said, relenting a little. ‘Now I really think we should get back to the music.’

I wasn’t sure what to make of my discussion with George. Most of the time we got on well together, and I liked him a lot but he’d just broken the cardinal rule about discussing my sex on board the ship. Then he’d followed it up with a rather clumsy request to come ashore with us the following day. Thinking about it afterwards I wasn’t sure whether that request had been directed at me or the three of us? It all seemed a little odd. However, although he’d puzzled and irritated me, I didn’t like to think of him spending the day on shore on his own. I therefore resolved to find out what the others were planning to do in Venice.

After lunch that day Maria and I had our usual English lesson, where I introduced the topic of English idioms.

‘An idiom is a phrase which has a different meaning from the dictionary definitions of the individual words. Unfortunately there are large numbers used in English and foreign learners often find them difficult to understand.’

‘Can you give me some examples?’ she asked.

‘Alright, as we’re on a cruise liner, I will choose some idioms relating to boats and the sea. We might say that someone has ‘missed the boat’ when that person has missed his or her chance to do something important. In this instance it does not mean that they’ve failed to get on board a ship in time. Equally, we might describe someone who is very trusting or childlike as being ‘just off the boat,’ or when they do something that is risky or dangerous we might describe them as ‘sailing too close to the wind.’

‘But why would you say something when you mean something else?’

‘I don’t know why; we describe them as figures of speech, and they occur in many languages although English does contain a large number of examples. New idioms are being introduced into the language all the time.’

‘I think they are there to trick the foreigner who is ‘just off the boat.’

I laughed.

‘Maybe that is so, but there must be some idioms in Spanish.

‘We would say 'estirar la pata' - stretch the leg - when someone dies.’

‘We, in turn, might say ‘kick the bucket.’

She sighed and shook her head at the incomprehensibility of the English language. I continued with my lesson.

‘Sometimes idioms have a very specific purpose. For example, the phrase ‘By the way’ is used when we wish to introduce a new topic to the conversation. For example, ‘I might say to you “By the way, Maria, do you have any plans to go ashore in Venice tomorrow?”’

She used my example as an excuse to digress from the topic of the lesson by treating it at its face value, as if I were asking her a straight question.

‘I have taken a holiday in Venice with my parents two years ago. It is expensive, crowded and smelly city.’

‘It is an expensive, crowded and smelly city,’ I corrected.

‘I prefer to stay on board and study, unless you want me to accompany you.’

‘No, you’re welcome to stay and study, if you wish. I expect I’ll join Carol and Beth and their boyfriends tomorrow. George from the Bucks has also asked if he can come with us as well.’

Maria smiled broadly.

‘That is good! I will not go to Venice with you: I will study my English idioms instead. George can look after you; I do not wish to be the chaperón.

My cheeks flushed at the idea, but I didn’t attempt to persuade her to change her mind. Instead I tried to steer our conversation back to the lesson by picking up on what she’d just said.

‘The English word is ‘chaperone,’ which is similar to the Spanish word, but in an informal conversation, speaking between friends, we might rather use an idiom such as ‘to play gooseberry.’

‘Gooseberry, what is a gooseberry?’

I had no idea of the Spanish word so we had to look that one up in her dictionary.

‘Grosella,’ I announced.

Maria shook her head in disbelief.

‘What game do you play with gooseberries?’

As I’d expected, Carol and Beth were looking forward to spending their day off sightseeing with their new boyfriends - Richard and John. They invited me to join them, but I could see that it was going to be awkward, until I announced that George had asked whether he might come along with us as well. They both seemed pleased by the idea.

‘Yes, of course he can come, Ally, the numbers will be just right,’ said Beth.

‘You’d better warn him, though, that you two may need to snuggle up together in a gondola,’ said Carol with a wink.

George and I quite often exchanged a few words together after finishing one of our performances and did so again later that evening.

‘The Bunnies will be happy to have you come ashore with us with us tomorrow, but Carol and Beth will be bringing their boyfriends who know nothing about my background so there must be absolutely no discussion or reference to my gender – is that clear?’

‘Yes of course, Ally, I promise not to mention the subject.

‘Good! Carol has also asked me to warn you that you and I may end up sharing a gondola, so if that’s going to be a problem for you then you’d better say so now.’

As soon as I said that, I realised that she’d been teasing me. George smiled at this.

‘No Ally, I won’t have a problem with sharing a gondola with you, in fact I’m quite looking forward to it, as long as you don’t rock the boat.’

He had such a sweet smile that I couldn’t stop myself from smiling back.

‘I’m glad!’ I replied. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’

I made a mental note to pass on one more nautical idiom to Maria.

The following morning I chose to wear the blue sleeveless dress that Maria had given to me together with my black medium heels, as these looked quite classy and were fairly comfortable for walking. My choice of attire, jewellery, hair and makeup all met with Maria’s approval when she gave me a last minute inspection, before I left for what she insisted on referring to as ‘my date.’

‘No Maria, it isn’t “a date”. A date is a social or romantic appointment. This is just six friends going out sightseeing together.’

‘You may know more about the English language than I do, Ally, but I know more about ‘social or romantic appointments,’ than you do,’ she replied with a smile.

In the event we didn’t take gondolas during our visit to Venice. None of the couples involved could afford the eighty euro fare for a forty minute boat ride and although it was suggested that the six of us might share one gondola this seemed to defeat the original object of the exercise. Instead, we took a vaporetto (a water bus carrying about 120 passengers) on a trip down the Grand Canal. At ten euros each for the round trip this was still outrageously expensive for what was involved but you cannot visit Venice without going on the canals. Carol and Beth were helped by their respective escorts as they walked over the gang plank and boarded the boat. George and I were the third couple to board and he took my hand to help me aboard but then let it drop, whereas the two other guys went on to casually slip their arms around the shoulders of their respective partners as they took their seats. I wasn’t quite sure what I felt about this, but was relieved that we were sitting in the back row and so not subject to the observation of the others. Likewise, when it came to getting off, George held my hand until I was safely on the shore but then let it go once again.

We spent most of the morning visiting the sights in the Piazza San Marco including the Basilica di San Marco, and the Palazzo Ducale (the Doge’s Palace). The buildings were fabulous but the crowds of sightseers from all nations were unbelievable. I was slightly irritated that Richard and John seemed to be more intent on impressing my cousin and Beth than they were on appreciating the magnificent architecture before them and that the girls seemed to enjoy this attention. George was a little bit shy and subdued, but like me he did at least take an interest in his surroundings.

At lunch time we stopped for a sandwich and a coffee in a café on the Calle de Fabbri. Like everywhere else, it was outrageously expensive but it did at least provide free broadband so we could download our emails and messages to read later.

‘What are we going to do after lunch?’ asked John.

‘Why don’t we go up the Campanile? The guide book says it gives the best views in Venice,’ said Carol.

‘There was quite a queue outside but it seemed to be moving reasonably fast,’ replied Richard.

‘At eight euros just for a ride in a lift, it seems a little steep,’ commented Beth’.

‘Everything in Venice is expensive,’ said John.

George and I were happy to tag along with the others and so we found ourselves in the queue to take the lift to the viewing deck of the Campanile. As before, we were the third couple in line. Our turn for the lift eventually came and just as we were about to join the four others in the car a couple appeared out of nowhere and took the last two places. Before I could say anything the attendant had pressed the button to close the doors leaving the two of us behind.

‘We’ll wait for you at the top,’ said Beth before the lift disappeared.

However the pressure of crowds on the viewing platform was such that it was not practicable for four people to remain behind to wait for those coming up in the next lift, they were shunted round the viewing platform and on to the next lift down. By the time George and I arrived at the top there was no sign of them. Then my mobile phone rang – it was Carol.

‘Ally, I’m sorry we weren’t able to wait for you at the top, but the crowds up there were ridiculous. If you like we’ll make our way back to the café where we had lunch and wait for you there.’

‘Carol, staying together as a group of six is becoming increasingly difficult, and it’s not as if I’m on my own. Why don’t you four go ahead and do whatever you want to do and we’ll see you back on the ship this evening.’

‘Well if you’re sure?’

‘Don’t worry I’m sure we’ll be fine.’

‘I see,’ she said in a knowing voice. ‘But let me have a quick word with George before you ring off.’

I handed the phone to George who listened for a while, and laughed.

‘Alright then,’ he said, rang off and handed the phone back to me.

‘What was that all about?’ I asked.

‘Carol says that I am to take your hand and not let go until we get back to the ship,’ he said offering me his hand.

‘That won’t be necessary, but don’t worry I’ll be sticking closely with you for the rest of the afternoon.’

Our afternoon in Venice proved to be much more enjoyable when it was just the two of us. George seemed to come out of his shell and was more talkative than he’d been in the morning and in turn I was more responsive. He appeared to know a fair amount about the history of Venice and its Renaissance architecture so we allowed ourselves to take more time and appreciate the beauties of St Mark’s Square, in spite of the crowds. He was witty, without showing off and we had fun chatting about Venice and other things as well. After we came down from the Campanile, we visited the Torre del l'Orologio, and just had time to have an ice-cream before taking a vaporetto back to St Marta, which is the closest stop to the Cruise Terminal.

On our journey back George held on to my hand whilst I walked over the gangplank of the waterbus. This time he didn’t let it go once I was on board, until we were both seated. He then slipped his arm round my shoulders and, without thinking about it, I allowed myself to snuggle up to him, just as Carol and Beth had done with their respective escorts that morning. It was nice to feel his hand gently stroking my hair during the journey back down the Grand Canal. It went through my mind what I would do if he sought to kiss me, and I half hoped that he did do so, although this didn’t seem very likely given the numbers of other people around. I truly thought that my feelings towards him at that moment were not those of a homosexual man, but rather of a heterosexual woman.

George took my hand once again to help me off the boat and held on to it whilst we made our way on foot towards the Terminal. By this time we were being joined by hundreds of other day-trippers returning to their cruise liners. He held my hand until we’d almost reached gangplank of The Fair Maid of Southampton, as we passed a number of tourist coaches on the quayside which were disgorging their passengers. He caught sight of James and Tom getting off one of the coaches and his body language seemed to change. He let go of my hand in order to wave to them and, to my disappointment, he did not take hold of it again afterwards.

‘Shall we wait for the guys to catch us up?’ he asked.

Somehow it was as if the spell had been broken.

‘I’d better not; I have to have a shower and get myself ready for the show tonight, but I’ve enjoyed our afternoon together. I’ll see you later this evening,’ I said.

‘That’s alright, Ally, I’m glad I came,’ he replied.

I hesitated for a moment hoping he might at least give me a farewell kiss on the cheek, but the other Bucks were now in view.

‘Goodbye then,’ I said as I showed my ID card and made my way up the gangplank alone, whilst he waited for his colleagues.

I made my way back to our cabin feeling just as confused about my feelings towards him as I had done the previous day.

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Chapter 15 Awakening

A few hours after George and I had parted on the quayside the Bunnies were getting ready in our dressing room together with Maria.

‘That was a neat trick that you used to get rid of the rest of us this afternoon, you saucy wench,’ said Carol to me as she was helping me to put on my bunny costume prior to the theatre show that evening.

‘There was no trick involved, this couple came out of nowhere and pushed past us,’ I replied innocently.

‘So what did you do together after you left us?’ she asked.

‘We had a look round some of the sights and had an ice cream before returning to the ship.

‘And did anything interesting happen?’

‘Not really,’ I replied, looking a little sheepish. ‘But I had a good time.’

‘What is saucy wench?’ asked Maria, who was putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup.’

‘It is an old-fashioned phrase: it means a young woman with plenty of spirit,’ replied Beth.

‘Brandy spirit?’ asked Maria.

‘No it means espíritu, or carácter distintivo,’ I replied from across the room, now glad of the opportunity to change the subject.

‘I saw you and George holding hands on the quayside, but you did not kiss each other when you parted – that is not what I call saucy wench,’ Maria responded. ‘Maybe you got on the ship in time, but you miss the boat, eh Ally?’

I blushed at her joke made at my expense but I couldn’t fault her on her use of English idioms.

George seemed a little awkward with all three of the Bunnies as we were setting up in the theatre that evening, and avoided any questions from Carol and Beth about the afternoon. However, we all performed well enough as part of the show, and got plenty of applause. I hoped that we could pick things up where they’d been left and perhaps go for a walk together on the top deck where we’d be unlikely to meet anyone else. I therefore hurriedly changed out of my Bunny costume and went looking for him. Unfortunately he disappeared immediately after the show before I had any chance to speak with him and I wondered what the other guys had said to him.

I saw no sign of George the following morning and much the same thing happened after our afternoon show. It was clear that he was now avoiding me and that we’d gone back to square one in terms of our friendship.

‘What’s wrong with George?’ I asked James when I had an opportunity to speak with him alone.

‘I was going to ask you that question, Ally; he’s been acting moodily ever since we got back on board yesterday.’

‘So is it something that I’ve done to upset him?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea, Ally, you would know the answer to that one better than me.’

The Bucks were due to accompany one of the other acts that evening and so for once the Bunnies had a night off. Carol and Beth and their friends were making the most of the opportunity and Maria was busy studying a list of English idioms that I’d given to her. I was in a sombre mood so I took my planned stroll round the upper deck alone. It was as if the events of our second cruise had been building to some sort of climax in Venice only to be dissipated immediately afterwards. Maria’s transformation of my appearance and her gift of a new dress had done wonders for my self-confidence as a young woman, but all of this was now undone by the abject failure of my first romantic encounter. Living the life of a young woman had many attractions for me but (to use another nautical idiom) it was not all going to be ‘plain sailing’. There were pitfalls and potential disappointments as well.

The Bunnies would often help one another to get ready for our evening shows with Maria checking up on us afterwards. Due to my new found interest in cosmetics and hair styling (one of the results of my sharing a cabin with Maria over the last two weeks) I’d become competent at getting myself ready and assisting the two others. Thus I was helping my cousin to pin up her hair and put on the bunny ears in our dressing room on the third night after our departure from Venice, whilst Maria was busy putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup in the salon.

‘I do like your nails, Ally’ Carol commented, referring to the little pink and white rabbits in different poses currently painted on my finger nails.

I smiled.

‘Thanks; I’m quite proud of them. Maria and I were experimenting on one another with nail art last night, but she’s far more artistic than I am so of course I came away with the better designs.’

Carol then moved on to another subject.

‘From what Maria said the other day it sounded as if nothing much happened between you and George during your afternoon in Venice,’ she began.

‘For a little while on the way back to the ship he seemed to forget whom I really was and we held hands, but he came to his senses as soon as he caught sight of his mates on the quayside,’ I replied, blushing.

‘What did you feel about that?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t know really. We had fun together during the afternoon and I felt that he was beginning to see me as a person rather than a freak. Maybe I was a little disappointed with the way things turned out afterwards but I guess that’s one of the disadvantages about living as a girl: the guy gets to make the decisions.’

‘Dealing with guys is all a question of practice and experience. I suspect that you and George are actually quite keen on one another, even if he is afraid to admit it to himself.’

‘Maybe you’re right, but don’t you think that my life is already complicated enough as it is without adding further complications?’ I said.

She didn’t answer me directly.

‘So how have things been between the two of you since then?’

‘He seems to be awkward and embarrassed in my company and so we’ve tended to keep our distance from one another when we’re not performing. It’s as if we’ve gone back to the time when he first discovered about Alex. I’m not sure whether I should feel sad or relieved about it.’

‘You’d normally meet one another over the next day or two to discuss possible new numbers for us all to perform.’

‘I know and I’d be happy to work with him any time he asks; but it’s up to him to invite me. I don’t intend to go begging to him,’ I said.

‘Maybe I should have a word with the other Bucks to see if they can persuade him not to be such an idiot, before it starts affecting all our work together.’

‘I’d rather you didn’t, thanks, just in case it makes things worse between us.’

At this point Beth entered the room, looking radiant in her Bunny outfit and with immaculate hair and makeup.

‘I’m done now, Maria is ready to finish off your makeup, Ally,’ she said, ‘although you look pretty good as you are.’

‘I’d better go for my inspection or else she’ll only tell me off, afterwards,’ I said.

‘I’ll come as well as there’s something I’d like to ask you,’ said Carol.

We didn’t attempt to cover our stage costumes as we walked out into the public area of the ship, as it was always good publicity for our show. I enjoyed those times, especially if we were wearing the bunny outfits, because of the admiring glances and occasional wolf-whistles that we received from the male passengers.

‘So what else did you want to ask me, Carol?’

‘I can’t talk now, Ally, but I was wondering whether we might have a quiet conversation together on the upper deck after the show tonight?’

‘Yes, of course, but we can’t very well go outside on deck dressed like this. Shall we go as soon as we’ve changed?’

‘That’ll be fine.’

Two and a half hours later Carol and I stood together on the deserted upper deck looking out to sea. It was a warm clear night with nearly a full moon.

‘So what did you want to talk to me about, Carol?’ I asked.

‘I haven’t said anything to Mum about our conversation last week or the fact that we’re unlikely to be seeing Alex in Waterlooville for some time to come. However, I did speak to her on the telephone before the ship left Venice. She asked me how things were going with you and I told her how well you’d been doing. Mum then said that she’s getting increasingly anxious that your parents will soon discover the truth and then they will blame her for keeping it a secret.

‘Why should that be so?’

‘Apparently there are several film clips of the Honey Bunnies on YouTube, and photographs on Flickr, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. If your mother or father went looking for an image of me on Google or Pinterest they would be bound to come across one of you as well, most likely wearing your Bunny outfit. What we’ve been doing over the last few weeks isn’t exactly low-profile and we didn’t go out of our way to disguise your name. Also your Mum keeps asking why it is that her friends’ children who are overseas can have regular internet chat sessions with their parents but it seems to be so difficult for her to do with you. Your mother isn’t a fool and it’ll only be a matter of time before she discovers for herself what’s been going on.’

I sighed.

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied.

‘So Mum and I feel that the time has come for you to tell your parents what you’ve been doing before they find out for themselves.’

‘I know, but I just need a little more time to work out what I’m going to say to them,’ I replied plaintively.

Carol gave a frustrated sigh.

‘Ally, I‘ve been observing you closely over the last few weeks. You look like a girl, you sound like a girl, and since you’ve moved in with Maria you increasingly act like a girl. I even suspect that you’re beginning to think like a girl as well, although you still have a certain amount to learn in that respect.’

I couldn’t really deny that.

‘But isn’t that what everyone wanted from me when I took on the job?’ I replied.

‘Yes it is, but I don’t think any of us expected things to go quite so far as they have done.’

She hesitated for a moment, as if she’d suddenly realised something.

‘Unless of course, that’s what you always wanted to happen?’

I turned away from her and looked out to sea. I’d made no secret as to how much I’d been enjoying myself in my new role, so it was now difficult for me to deny her observation.’

‘So what, if it was? It’s up to me to decide how to live my life,’ I replied for the first time spelling out what I’d been vainly trying to suppress for so long.

‘Now that I think about it, you did slot into the female role remarkably easily and you adopted a girl’s voice without any trouble.’

‘If I ever tried to sing as a guy my voice sounded mediocre, but I taught myself to sing as a girl and it always sounded better. I would practice at home with a karaoke machine when my parents were out.’

‘Did you dress as a girl as well and wear makeup?'

‘Sometimes, if I knew that they wouldn’t be home for some time. It's because when I am dressed as a guy I feel like a nobody but when I'm dressed as Ally it's the real me.'

‘In that case why don’t you just come clean and tell your parents that you want to live as a girl?’ she asked. ‘You’ve already proved that you could do so successfully.’

There was a pause before I replied.

‘Because the last time I told them, they didn’t believe me,’ I replied.

‘When was that?’ Carol asked, in some surprise.

‘When I was nine years old.’

‘So how long have you felt that you wanted to be a girl?’

There was no point in my pretending any more.

‘For as long as I can remember.’

Carol was not expecting this answer and took a second or two to digest the information.

‘So what did your Mum and Dad say to you when you first told them?’

‘They said it was just a phase and that I’d grow out of those feelings when I reached puberty.’

‘Did you believe them?’

‘They were my parents! I took it for granted that they knew best. I tried my best to put the feelings out of my mind and to concentrate on my school work, hoping that I’d soon begin puberty and become like everyone else.’

‘So what happened?’

‘Nothing much. I never grew as tall as my classmates or developed a deep voice in my early teens.’

‘Was that due to your asthma?’

‘I was suffering quite badly at this time and that was the explanation given by the doctors. My asthma did gradually clear up as I got older and I kept telling myself that one day I would also grow out of these feelings that were always present in the back of my mind, but it never happened. My bones have finished growing so I’ll always be fairly short and slight, but the doctors do say that I’ll gradually develop more masculine facial features because of the testosterone that is being produced by my body so I’ll have the worst of both worlds.’

‘But the testosterone doesn’t appear to have had much impact on your appearance yet.’

‘No I suppose not.’

We were both silent for a while. I wanted to say that I was pleased that I’d never grow into a he-man with broad shoulders, that I was glad to look passable as a young woman. I didn’t need to spell out how much I enjoyed dressing in our stage costumes, especially the bunny outfit, and receiving applause and admiring looks from the audience.

‘The trouble is, Carol, that I’ve never lost those feelings that I should have been born a girl. Then you and Beth invited me to join the Bunnies and from that moment I realised that I was never going to stop feeling the way I did.’

‘So this is partly our fault,’ said Carol a little quietly.

‘No; of course it isn’t your fault. Joining the Honey Bunnies has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. You may have inadvertently fanned the embers that were already there, but in doing so you’ve probably saved my sanity, perhaps even my life.’

‘That sounds a bit melodramatic.’

I turned towards her.

‘Carol, I can’t explain how awful it’s been to be forced into living in a gender role that doesn’t fit and isn’t right for me. It is as if I’ve had to live someone else’s life and prevented from being myself.’

For the first time I’d admitted, both to Carol and more importantly to myself, what had really been going on in my mind. I began to sob. She hugged me.

‘So why don’t you explain all this to your parents, Ally?’

I continued sobbing.

‘You know what my Mum is like; she doesn’t listen to anything she doesn’t want to hear. She’ll just tell me about the sacrifices that they’ve made and how I’m letting them both down.’

‘What about your Dad? How will he react to the news?’

‘All he’s worried about is his job; I guess he’ll think whatever Mum tells him.’

Carol continued to hold me.

‘So what are you going to do about it?’ she asked.

‘I’m going to have to explain to them fairly soon, but I want to do it in such a way that there can be no doubt of the seriousness of my intentions and that any further discussion of the topic will be futile.’

‘So what am I going to say to my mum when I call her next?’

‘I don’t want to cause any upset between Aunt Emma and my parents. Why not tell her that I’ve been invited to stay with my friend Maria, when we next dock at Southampton? That way she can tell the truth about my whereabouts to my parents. But at the same time you can reassure her that I will tell them soon.’

Carol sighed.

‘Alright, I’ll tell Mum that. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get you in to trouble with your parents.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘But what about Beth, would you like me to put her fully in the picture.’

‘I suppose so; she must have guessed much of the story by now. You can tell her what I’ve just told you, if you wish, but I’d rather it went no further at present, especially with the guys.’

‘Of course, it won’t, Ally’.

‘There’s one thing you could do for me, please, Carol.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I can't go back to being a boy, ever, so when you next go home, I would like you to go to the cardboard box under the stairs and pack all of Alex’s clothes into my old suitcase and dispose of them for me please.’

‘How do I do that?’

‘You could take them to a charity shop, if you have time.’

She thought for a moment.

‘No; I’m not prepared to do that for you. You must take responsibility for your future life. I’ll bring them back with me to Southampton so that you can dispose of them instead.’

‘Alright but I don’t want you to bring them on board the ship.’

‘If you’re still sure that is what you want to do, you could always hand them in at the dock gates as being lost property. Eventually they will be disposed of.’

‘Thanks, Carol.’

‘Well good luck, Ally! I think you’re going to be a great girl and I’m pleased to have you as my cousin. I’m sure things will work out for you in the future.’

‘Thanks. I hope you’re right.’

I smiled and took out a tissue from my handbag to dry my tears.

‘So are you feeling better now?’

‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks,’ I replied.

‘Are you coming inside with me?’

‘No, you go ahead; I’ll stay out here for a while and think about what I am going to say to my parents, and when.’

‘Alright but don’t leave it too late,’ she replied and left me to my thoughts.

I wasn’t sure whether she was referring to my staying out on deck or telling my parents that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as Ally, rather than Alex.

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Chapter 16 First steps

A couple of hours after my heart to heart talk with Carol, Maria and I were both getting ready to go to bed. I was wearing the nightdress that Beth had given to me and was going through my usual nightly routine of moisturising my face and hands and brushing and tying up my hair. Maria had just finished brushing her teeth. I’d been thinking about my conversation with Carol and what I now intended to do with my life. At last I’d come to a decision.

‘Maria, you once told me that you knew someone who had transitioned from a man to a woman and who was taking female hormones.’

‘Yes, that is my school friend Juan who now lives as Juanita,’ she replied.

‘Where did your friend get the female hormones?’

Maria turned and looked carefully at me.

‘From a doctor in Barcelona, I guess,’ she replied.

‘Would I be able to consult that doctor?’

‘I do not know, Ally. But are you sure you know what you are doing?’

‘Yes, I’m now quite sure. I’ve been thinking seriously about my future over the last few weeks and I’ve decided that I won’t be going back to living as a boy or a man again. I should now begin my permanent transition.’

Maria nodded as if it was an entirely rational decision on my part.

‘You don’t appear to be surprised that I should be considering such a step,’ I observed.

‘No, Ally, I am not surprised. I think it is probably the right thing for you, although of course only you can make that decision. I wondered how long it would take you to recognise that you are not just a female impersonator and that you should have been born a woman.’

‘I’ve always known that ever since I was a young child; it was just a question of accepting to myself that it was so and then facing up to the consequences of that admission.’

‘If you wish, I will contact my friend for you and ask for her advice. I can telephone her when we get to Barcelona again. Maybe we could meet together for tapas, if she is free.’

‘Yes please. I should like to meet her, if she is prepared to talk to me.’

‘I will contact her the day after tomorrow as soon as I can get a signal for my teléfono móvil.

‘Thanks, Maria, but I’d rather that you didn’t mention my plans to the other Bunnies.’

‘Alright, but I think your friends already know that you are ‘transgendered’.’

‘Carol certainly knows and I suspect that Beth will soon do so as well, but I’d prefer to keep any plans to start hormones a secret until I begin my transition and then nobody will be able to persuade me to change my mind.’

‘As you wish, Ally’

My suspicion that Beth would soon also know proved to be true; she came up and had a word after the Bunny Hop the following morning.

‘Carol tells me that you’re now planning to remain as Ally for some time to come,’ she said.

‘Well it looks as if the Bunnies are going to be working for the whole summer and after Maria’s extreme makeover I can’t easily switch back to being Alex, looking the way I do,’ I replied.

‘So will this be only for the summer or perhaps for the longer term?’ she asked.

‘I can’t be sure but the way I feel at the moment, is that I should like the change to be long-term, perhaps even permanent. It rather depends on whether I can get another job and support myself, as Ally.’

‘I can’t say that I’m surprised; you seem so much more at ease as a girl and as time goes on it gets more and more difficult to remember that you were a boy when I met you.’

‘I just hope that my parents will agree with you when they meet Ally for the first time.’

‘You cannot live your life simply to please your parents.’

‘I know and I hope they’ll see it that way. My parents want me to go to University, but I would only consider doing so as Ally.’

‘Well good luck, with whatever you decide to do.’

‘Thanks Beth.’

After that conversation I did my best to avoid any further discussion on my future pending my meeting with Maria’s transgendered friend. However, we eventually docked at the Barcelona Cruise Terminal for the second time on this trip, where a number of our passengers were due to leave the cruise and others join us. As usual, the Bunnies were expected to help organise the disembarkation procedures in the main theatre but afterwards were free to go ashore for rest of the day. Whilst I was occupied with these duties, Maria made the necessary phone call to her friend and then came to find me.

‘Juanita works in a pharmacy near to the Plaça Espanya. They will be closed this afternoon between two and four o’clock and she offers that we meet in a bar nearby at three,’ said Maria.

‘Thank you, Maria, I should like that.’

‘Does your friend speak English?’ I asked.

‘Not very well, but I will translate for you; it will be good practice for me. Is there anything else you wish to do whilst we are in Barcelona this morning?’

‘Don’t you need to visit your parents again this morning?’ I asked.

‘No; not this time. I have told them that I will study for my examination and that I promise to visit them again when we return the week after next.’

‘Now that I’ve decided to live as Ally, I’m going to need another pair of shoes and some more underclothes, although I do not have a lot of money available to spend until we are paid for this voyage.’

‘We will visit Els Encants Vells, where the clothes are not expensive. Also you will get a better price if I speak to them in Catalan.’

I was glad of Maria’s offer to come with me as I knew that Carol and Beth had been invited to go sightseeing with their boyfriends. It would have been a little awkward for me tag along as well without George to make up the numbers. I’d no idea what the Bucks were planning to do this time. We all still got on together as performers but the strained relations between George and I seemed to have created a slight rift between the two groups and we no longer spent much of our free time together. It seemed a pity as previously we’d all got on so well together, before feelings got in the way.

After a few hours of shopping during which I spent a little more money than I’d originally intended in buying myself two pairs of shoes, and various items of underwear, Maria and I made our way by the Metro to the Plaça Espanya. At the appointed time we entered a tapas bar in the Carrer de Sants, nearby, and ordered some soft drinks. A few minutes later a tallish young woman, aged about twenty-two and dressed in black slacks and a pink blouse joined us. Juanita had long black hair tied in a bun. At first sight she passed quite well as a woman although I noticed that there were still slight traces of her masculine origins which had not been entirely obliterated by the two and a half years that she’d been on hormone replacement therapy.

‘Hola Juanita, aquest és el meu amic Anglès Alexandra,’ said Maria, giving the newcomer a kiss on the cheek, and then pointing to me.

She then turned to me and switched to English.

‘Ally, this is my friend Juanita. We will speak together in Catalan and afterwards I will tell you what she says.’

Juanita and I smiled and shook hands with one another and I asked in Spanish whether she would have a drink with us. She asked for an orange juice, so I placed the order with the waiter whilst they began their conversation. As far as I could make out my friend was providing an account of my wish to transition and my need to find a doctor who would be willing to prescribe me the hormones that I was going to need in order to do so. Juanita asked a few questions along the way, and I could perceive that although her looks were ok her voice still needed a little attention to be entirely convincing. Once Maria had finished her account Juanita gave her detailed answer which Maria later translated for me.

‘My friend says that so far you are lucky with your looks and your voice, but you will need to begin to take anti-androgen as soon as possible to stop the testosterone in your body from making you look more like a man. You can do this before you decide if you wish to take female hormones as the effects will not be permanent and will end once you stop taking the tablets.

I already knew this from my investigations on the Internet.

‘Where can I get this anti-androgen?’ I asked.

Maria, knew the answer to this question without referring back to Juanita.

‘There is a drug called Aldactone which is available at most pharmacies. Juanita will sell you some, if you wish, and will give you an address where you can get some more without a prescription.’

‘How much will it cost me?’ I asked.

‘Ninety euros for a three month supply.’

I now regretted that we’d spent most of my ready cash that morning and I would not be paid again until we reached Southampton. On the other hand I was aware that I had a thousand pounds sitting in a deposit account in the U.K., although I’d promised my parents that I’d only use it for something really special.

‘But what could there be more special for me than financing my transition?’ I asked myself, and immediately knew the answer.

‘I have the money available in England, but not with me. Please ask your friend if I can buy them from her when we next visit Barcelona.’

‘I will borrow the money to you, if you wish,’ Maria replied.

I didn’t think it appropriate to correct her English on this occasion.

‘Thank you, Maria. I promise I will repay you as soon as we get to Southampton.’

Maria went to her handbag and gave me a hundred euro note from her purse, which I handed to Juanita. She in turn took three small boxes of pills from her handbag and gave them to me together with my change. As she did so she said something else to Maria in Catalan.

‘You should take one tablet each day,’ Maria translated. ‘There is a leaflet inside which gives detailed instructions, which is in several languages. Once you start to take them you will no longer be able to have sex like a man, but when you stop taking them your body should return to normal.’

‘I understand and that doesn’t concern me.’

I opened one of the boxes and swallowed my first tablet to show them both that I was serious.

‘Now that I’ve started taking the Aldactone, how will I acquire the female hormones that I will need for my transition?’ I asked.

Juanita must have understood my question as she gave another detailed response without waiting for Maria to translate.

‘My friend says that you should consult a doctor when you feel that you are ready to begin taking oestrogen. This is important in the early stages of your transition because the dosage has to be right and it will begin to make permanent changes to your body. Later, once you have worked out the correct dosage you may be able to continue on your own. She knows a specialist in Barcelona who helped her with her own transition. She is very experienced in this field and is also simpatico when dealing with transgender patients.’

‘Please tell Juanita that I’ve been reading about the subject and understand the implications of what I am planning to do. Say that I am ready to begin taking oestrogen as soon as possible.’

Maria translated. Juanita looked carefully at me and must have decided that I knew what I was doing. She wrote a name, address and telephone number on a piece of paper and handed it to Maria.

‘My friend suggests that I should telephone and arrange an appointment for you to see her,’ said Maria.

‘Gràcies Juanita,’ I said offering to shake her hand.

She took my hand and examined my fingernails with the rabbits painted on them. She smiled before saying a few more words of Catalan.

‘Juanita says that, like you, she loved pretty feminine things when she began her transition. She hopes you will be very happy living as a woman.’

I smiled and thanked her for her help and advice.

Maria and her friend spent a few minutes catching up on local gossip whilst we finished our drinks and I thought about the implications of what I’d just done, but had no doubts as to the wisdom of my decision. At a quarter to four Juanita left us to return to her work. Maria then made a couple of telephone calls on my behalf and eventually managed to speak with Dr Concepcion Martinez at her clinic off the Avigunda Diagonal. She spoke quite quickly in a mixture of Catalan and Spanish and so I wasn’t able to follow the entire conversation but it was clear she was arranging an appointment for me.

‘How did you get on?’ I asked, when she had finished.

‘You will see Dr Martinez for one hour appointment in nine days, when we next call at Barcelona. She asked me why you did not go to a British doctor; I explain to her that you work on a cruise ship and that your parents’ home was in Bahrain and so you do not have a British doctor. She will treat you but will charge for her services.’

‘Yes, of course, Maria.’

‘Her English is not very good so she wants you to send her an email, in Spanish, setting out what you wish to discuss with her. I will help you to translate, if you wish.’

‘I’ll think about what I am going to say to her over the next few days at sea. I’m planning to stay on board ship rather than go back to visit my Aunt when we dock in Southampton. Perhaps we’ll have time to translate the email and send it whilst we’re there.’

‘Did you manage to find yourself a new pair of shoes, Ally?’ asked Carol as we were getting ready for the show later that evening.

‘Yes, in fact I ended up buying two pairs, as the shop was offering two pairs for the price of one. By the time I’d bought a couple of bras and pants and some tights, I’d nearly cleared out my bank account, but we should get paid as soon as we get back to Southampton.’

‘So what did you get for yourself?’

‘I bought some blue peep-toed wedges to go with my new dress and a pair of tan court shoes with block heels. I like to have the extra height but these will be more practical than high heels around the ship or when we go ashore.’

‘It sounds as if you’re beginning to build up quite a wardrobe for yourself,’ commented Beth.

‘I still could do with a couple more outfits,’ I replied.

‘That’s what every girl would say,’ commented Carol with a smile. ‘Developing your wardrobe is a never ending task.’

‘Unfortunately any further development will have to wait until we’ve been paid for the voyage,’ I replied.

I now wanted to move the conversation on to another topic before either of them asked what Maria and I had done during the afternoon.

‘So what did you two do in Barcelona?’

‘We went to the amusement park on top of Tibidabo mountain, with Richard and John,’ said Beth. ‘You travel to the end of the dark blue metro line then a tram takes you half way up the mountain. From there you can either walk or else take a funicular railway to the top.’

‘There are wonderful views of the city up there,’ said Carol, ‘you should try it for yourself sometime, Ally, but not when you are wearing your new shoes.’

I smiled and thanked her but thought to myself that the next time I visited the city I would be busy doing other things. I also thought to myself that once I’d begun taking the hormones I would have the courage to face my parents and tell them the truth about what was happening to me and how I’d always felt.

Over the last few days of the voyage I continued to take the Aldactone tablets each day and noticed no adverse side-effects other than needing to go to the toilet more often than normal. I understood that it was intended merely as a preventive and the main changes to my body that I desired would only begin once I’d begun taking the oestrogen. As predicted, I found that it was no longer uncomfortable for me to tuck my penis and scrotum away out of sight so I tended to keep it that way irrespective of what I was wearing. Increasingly I thought of them as unwanted appendages. I also began to wonder about what it would be like to have my own breasts rather than relying on the silicone forms, and how long it would take for them to grow once I’d begun taking oestrogen. Now that I’d at last made the decision, I was impatient to get started as soon as possible.

The Bucks and the Bunnies continued to perform fairly well during the last three days of the cruise but we had sometimes been better and I think that we were all looking forward to taking a break. In my case I wouldn’t be venturing far away from the ship and I was looking forward to beginning the next cruise and returning to Barcelona, where I hoped I would be able to start the next phase of my life. However there was nothing I could do to alter the timetable.

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Chapter 17 Back in the U.K.

As usual, we had a show on the last night of the voyage, and Frank assembled us for a talk afterwards.

‘Congratulations, everyone, on another successful voyage. The passenger feedback from your first cruise and for the first half of this one has been excellent, and I’m sure that the same will apply this time. I’ve been happy with the work of both groups.’

We all thanked him.

‘I won’t be coming on the next few voyages, and will only see you if there are any problems. However, I’ll be receiving regular reports on your performances and will continue to monitor the feedback from the passengers. When you get your pay tomorrow you’ll find that you’ve earned about fifty pounds for each week as overtime, either from the Bunny Hops or else from additional duties as backing musicians in the case of the Bucks. As from next voyage these will be incorporated into your regular duties, but you won’t lose out financially as there will be an additional sixty pound a week discretionary bonus payable on top of your normal wages. This will remain in place as long as you continue to perform well, look smart, and refresh your material at regular intervals. Now have a good break and come back on Saturday refreshed and ready for the next cruise.’

The guys began to pack up their instruments.

‘How about you, Ally, is everything still alright for you?’ he asked.

‘Yes, I think so, thanks,’ I replied, not sure what he was getting at.

‘And you’re happy to continue working on the same basis as before?’

‘Yes, after all I’ve signed a contract for five voyages.’

‘I know, but I was just checking that you were ok and that there had been no problems. I must say that things have gone a lot better than I’d envisaged and the Bunnies, in particular, have been a star attraction.’

Again I thanked him, but felt a little anxious as, for the first time, we’d failed to introduce any new songs to our repertoire over the past week. Nobody, other than ourselves had noticed, but if the stand-off continued between George and myself it would become apparent. I surreptitiously looked across at him, and he looked a little sheepish, but as usual he disappeared as soon as Frank had finished speaking to us. As I left I noticed that Beth was having a serious talk to James.

Carol and I had a brief conversation as we made our way back to our cabins after the pep talk given to us by Frank.

‘So it looks as if we’re all going to be paid more than we expected. Maybe you’ll now be able to buy yourself one of those new outfits that you said you needed the other day,’ she said to me.

‘It would be nice to have something else to wear. Some of the clothes that I inherited from Susan aren’t really right for me’ I replied.

She smiled.

‘You see, Ally, you’re now beginning to develop an eye for what colours and styles you can wear.’

‘Maybe but I’d still be a little unsure if I was out shopping on my own,’ I replied.

‘I think that by now you’d probably be fine, but there would be nothing to stop us from going out shopping together for a couple of hours in Southampton tomorrow morning before I return to Walterlooville, it you wish.

‘What about your new boyfriend, won’t you want to spend some time with him?’

‘No, both of the guys will be taking an early train to London to visit their families for a couple of days.’

‘In that case, I’d like to go shopping with you,’ I replied.

‘We can go as soon as we’re discharged, and then I’ll make my way to the railway station.’

‘I assume that Aunt Emma knows that I won’t be coming back to Waterlooville this time,’ I said.

‘Yes, but she thinks that your mother isn’t going to be at all happy when she discovers that you aren’t there to speak to her.’

‘There would be nothing to stop her from ringing me on my mobile phone whilst I’m in the UK,’ I replied.

‘Why don’t you ring her first, as soon as we dock?’

‘I suppose that way I could always use the excuse that it was expensive and so keep our conversation fairly brief.’

Beth caught up with us following her conversation.

‘What were you talking to James about?’ asked Carol.

‘I’ll tell you later,’ she replied.

‘I’ve agreed to go shopping with Ally in Southampton tomorrow morning, before getting the train to Portsmouth. Would you like to come as well?’

‘Alright then, as we’ve all now got some extra money to spend.’

By this time I’d reached the cabin that I shared with Maria.

‘Goodnight then, let’s meet up together as soon as we're discharged tomorrow morning,' I said.

Maria had recently been doing very well with her daily English lessons and I found myself correcting her grammar or suggesting more appropriate words less and less during our everyday conversations. However, her forthcoming examination would also involve both Spanish/English and English/Spanish translations. Thus the long email that I intended to send to Dr. Martinez would provide good practice for her. My draft in English detailed my background and my wish to be a girl that I’d had since an early age – in fact from as far back as I could remember. It also spoke of my parents’ denial of the validity of my feelings and my vain attempts at suppressing them during my early teens and consequent feelings of depression. I told her that I’d been successfully living and working as a young woman for several months (which was a little bit of exaggeration but sounded more convincing than the six weeks that I’d been living as Ally). I ended by saying that I was certain that I wished to undertake a permanent transition and to live as a woman as soon as possible. I was approaching her as I’d been told that she had a lot of experience in this field and was sympathetic to the needs of people such as myself. I therefore hoped that she would be willing to accept me as her patient.

I’d handed over the draft to Maria who was working on the translation as I entered.

‘This is going to take me some time to translate into Spanish, but maybe I will have it ready for you tomorrow evening, Ally.’

‘There’s no great hurry. I shall be going ashore with my cousin tomorrow morning to do some shopping. When I return I’ll be able to repay you the money that I owe to you, from my deposit account. I'll also withdraw enough to make sure that I can pay Dr. Martinez when I see her next week and to buy the hormones which I’ll hope she’ll prescribe for me.’

Maria smiled.

‘I have already promised to go to visit my parents on that day so I won’t be able to go with you to see her next week, but I’m sure that between you will be able to understand one another.’

‘I hope so. I must say that your spoken English has been getting a lot better recently.’

‘Thank you, Ally; that is thanks to your efforts as a teacher. Your abilities with your hair and makeup are also improving, although I did notice that you have lost one or two of your eyelash extensions, so maybe it will be time to do a little maintenance on your eyelashes and eyebrows when we reach Southampton?’

‘I thought they were supposed to last eight to ten weeks.’

‘Each extension will last as long as the eyelash it is attached to, I cannot say how long any lash will last. We do a little maintenance every three to four weeks, that way you can keep a full set of lashes.’

‘Alright, I do like having the long lashes.’

‘Yes I have noticed.’

The West Quay shopping centre in Southampton lies midway between the cruise terminal and Southampton Central railway station. Carol and Beth therefore agreed to accompany me there for an hour or so and help me to choose myself a new outfit before they travelled on to Waterlooville. Although I’d spent a few hours shopping dressed as Ally, with Carol and her mother in Portsmouth and had been out with Maria in Barcelona, I was still conscious that I lacked experience in this basic area of life. After all, most girls begin to take an interest in clothes and shopping in their early teens and some even before that. On our way to the shopping centre we had some discussion of my immediate and long term wardrobe needs and I was offered advice about the look I should be aiming for.

‘Given your long hair, and eyelashes and fancy nails together with the fact that you regularly wear makeup, I think you need to aim for clothes that enhance your classic ‘girly’ look,’ suggested Carol. ‘As you gain more confidence and experience you’ll be able to adapt it and refine it to suit yourself.

I didn’t argue this point.

‘So where do we begin?’ I asked as we glanced at the list of shops at the entrance.

‘There’s a branch of ‘Karen Millen’, on this level and a ‘Miss Selfridge’, upstairs; they will normally have a good range of items suitable for our age group,’ suggested Beth.

‘’Karen Millen’ can be quite pricey, let’s begin with ‘Miss Selfridge’, suggested Carol.

After ten minutes of going through the display racks I came upon a skater style dress in light blue with a bold floral print. I knew from Maria’s dress that blue suited me.

‘What do you think of this one Beth?’ I asked, holding it up in front of me.

‘I like it but I suggest you try it on and have a look at yourself before making up your mind.’

I did as she suggested and took it to a cubicle. The dress appeared to fit me and felt comfortable to wear.

‘So what do you think?’ I asked my companions as I emerged from the changing cubicle.

‘It looks very nice on you,’ Beth responded.

‘Don’t you think it might be a bit too short?’

‘That‘s the fashion these days. You’ll probably need to buy some opaque tights to go with it and you’ll have to take care to bob rather than bend down in future so as not to show your all to the world.’

‘You don’t have to decide now, I suggest you should mark it down as a definite ‘maybe’ whilst we see what else is available,’ suggested Carol.

After a further ten minutes I couldn’t see anything else that I liked better in Miss Selfridge so we went downstairs to have a quick look in ‘Karen Millen’. As expected, most of the stock was out of my price range but they were having an early summer sale.

‘How about this one?’ asked Beth.

She’d taken off the rail a soft and feminine looking pink/red dress with a polyester lining and a pink patterned lace overlay. It was of a fairly short length, with the hem coming just above my knee and had three quarter length lace sleeves. It looked cool to wear. It was being offered at half its list price, although that was still nearly double what I’d have to pay for the skater dress.

‘It’s very nice but don’t you think it looks a little bit too dressy for me?’ I asked.

‘No, not at all, you’ll want something to wear on special occasions.’

‘But I’ve already got that blue dress that Maria gave to me.’

‘Maybe, but that is a sleeveless day dress. This one is more suitable for the evenings; it’s the sort of dress you might wish to wear on a date,’ she said.

‘But I don’t go on dates.’

‘Maybe not at present, but there’ll come a time when you do.’

I didn’t respond. My first attempt at going out as Ally had been a disaster.

‘Well at least try it on before you make any decision,’ said Carol.

I did as she suggested and emerged from the changing room a few minutes later and looked at myself in a full length mirror.

‘I suppose it does look good on me and feels nice to wear as well,’ I said as I turned to look at myself from different angles.

‘Of course it does, you look lovely in it.’

‘But I don’t think I’d get as much wear from it as I would from the other one.’

‘I think you should buy both of them,’ said Carol. ‘If you’re going to live full-time as a girl you’re going to need a range of different clothes. These two will make a useful supplement to your existing wardrobe.’

‘But if I do so, I’m not going to have a lot of spending money left for the next voyage.’

‘In that case you’d better find yourself a boyfriend who is willing to treat you,’ said Beth with a smile.

Again, I ignored that comment as I’d no wish to get involved with further discussions about my abortive friendship with George, but I could see that Carol had a point. Also I did like the dress.

‘Alright then, I’ll get them both,’ I said returning to the changing room.

Carol and Beth remained with me whilst I bought both of the dresses and one or two other necessaries using my ‘chip and pin’ debit card, so there was no danger of any shop assistant questioning why a girl would be using Alexander Fletcher’s bank account. They also bought one or two items for themselves before they left me to make their way to the railway station and thence home for a few days leave.

‘I’ll ring your Mum when she gets home from work tonight and explain exactly what I’m doing, and why,’ I said.

‘Yes please do that,’ responded Carol. ‘I hope you have a good time, and I’ll see you on Saturday evening.’

‘You too, and don’t forget about bringing back Alex’s clothes for me,’ I said.

‘Why do you want them?’ asked Beth.

‘So I can get rid of them,’ I replied.

‘Alright, as long as you know what you’re doing,’ said Carol.

‘Yes, I’m quite sure that I do,’ I replied.

Once they’d left me I found a branch of my local bank, and using the cash machines in the lobby, I transferred the contents of my deposit account to my current account and then withdrew five hundred pounds in cash. This would enable me to repay Maria and cover the costs of my initial consultation with Dr Sanchez. It might even cover my first supply of hormone tablets.

Maria approved of my two main purchases when I took them back to the ship and modelled them for her after lunch.

‘They are both very nice, Ally.’

‘I’m not sure when I’ll get an opportunity to wear the pink dress, though,’ I said.

‘Don’t worry, there will be plenty of occasions in the evenings when you are not performing or when we all go ashore together.’

‘I hope so.’

‘The salon will be closed tomorrow morning and I will have free use of the equipment. Shall I fix your eyelashes and check your arms and legs for any hairs.’

‘You seem to spend a lot of your time helping me Maria, is there anything I can do for you in exchange?’

‘Yes, you can keep teaching me English and correct me when I go wrong’.

‘Yes, I will do so but I notice that your spoken English has been improving recently, and there have been very few mistakes in your exercises recently.’

‘That is good, and you are looking better now as well, so we are having a good influence on one another. I have also finished translating your email to Dr Sanchez.’

‘Did you understand all of my language?’

‘Yes, I think so; there were a few words that I needed to look up.’

We went through her translation together and there were only a few minor amendments or clarifications to be made before it could be sent off to her. I also attached a couple of image files taken from the publicity photographs of me performing. I sent these to demonstrate that I had already spent some time living as a woman and would have no difficulty in continuing to do so. Later that evening I telephoned my Aunt Emma and explained why I wasn’t coming back to Waterlooville this time. She wanted to be friendly and helpful to me, and referred to me as Ally, but was clearly getting increasingly anxious about the situation.

‘I’ve noticed quite a few photographs of you on the Internet these last few days. You all look very nice in your bunny outfits but I just wonder how your mother is going to react when she finds out, as she is bound to do.’

‘I know, Aunt Emma, and I will tell her soon, it’s just a question of finding the right moment to do so.’

‘She’ll be expecting to have another Skype session with you tomorrow. What am I going to say when she contacts me afterwards to say that there was no response from you?’

‘Don’t worry I’ll telephone her early tomorrow morning to explain that I am visiting a friend and so I won’t be available to receive her call, although I will keep in touch by email.’

‘I suppose that at least I’ll be able to say truthfully to her that I haven’t seen you this time but I’ve no idea how she is going to react when I do so,’ said my Aunt as I signed off.

As promised, I telephoned Mum the next morning, keeping the call as brief as possible and citing the high cost of overseas calls from mobile phones as my excuse. I explained that I wouldn’t be going to Waterlooville to receive her Skype request as I’d been invited to stay with my friend Maria in Southampton. I assured her that I was fine, there were no problems and that I would keep her informed of my progress by email, as usual. She didn’t sound too pleased with the arrangement but there was not a lot she could do from Bahrain.

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Chapter 18 Lost and found

Once I’d finished speaking on the phone to my mother I went with Maria to the salon where she repaired my missing eyelash extensions. She also did some minor maintenance to my hair and eyebrows, but in most other respects declared herself to be happy with the way I looked. Over the last three weeks I’d been quite meticulous in keeping my skin moisturised, checking for and removing any signs of unwanted bodily hair and in keeping my fingernails in good shape and found that I quite enjoyed the evening and morning routines involved.

‘That is good, Ally, you are learning to look after your appearance. In about a week from now I will show you how to touch-up your hair roots before your natural colour becomes visible, but that is all.’

‘Could we do that the night before I see Dr Martinez in Barcelona, as I’ll want to look my best.’

‘Yes, if you wish. I will now have time to go ashore and do a little shopping for myself this afternoon,’ she said as she was putting the finishing touches to my hair.

‘I can come with you, if you’d like me to,’ I offered.

‘No, that will not be necessary, thank you.’

Maria’s reply surprised me because she was normally happy for us to spend time together. However, I didn’t mind too much as I had plenty of things that I wanted to do. Now that I had ready access to the internet via my dongle, I was anxious to use it as much as I could. There was so much that I wanted to discover about my future life as a girl. It was as if I’d been living in a parallel world where only music had been the redeeming feature in what was otherwise a rather dull and grey existence. Now I was being given the opportunity to move over to a world of bright colours, nice smells and pleasant textures, where people were kind and supportive to one another. It was a world in which I should have grown up, if only I’d had the courage to follow my own instincts rather than accept that my parents knew best. There was no question in my mind about the rightness of my proposed action but I needed to find out about the medical, social and legal aspects of my planned transition. I needed to know how it might impact upon my future employment and education prospects. I wanted to learn from other people’s experiences and their mistakes. I needed to know everything that I could before I told my parents what I intended to do.

As soon as Maria left, I settled down to surfing the Web using my laptop, trying to find as much information as I possibly could about different aspects of my proposed transition. I realised that once I started with hormone replacement therapy, there would be no going back, but that did not worry me. It was the right course of action for me and I was only sorry that I’d allowed myself to be dissuaded from exploring the possibility before this time. However I wanted to know the implications for me both in the short term and longer terms. Also I wanted an idea of the likely timetable what other medical interventions might be required? I wanted to learn how others in my situation had explained their decision to their families, and how they in turn had reacted? What were the legal implications of my deciding to live as a woman, and how would I go about changing my name and documentation? There was so much for me to discover that I did not try to read everything I came across but rather downloaded the longer files and documents to read during the next voyage when I no longer had regular access to the internet.

By about four o’clock I was completely immersed in my subject and amazed at how much useful information I was finding, and so I was a little cross when there was a knock on my cabin door. I opened it and was surprised to find George standing there looking rather awkward.

‘Hi, Ally, I w-wonder whether I might have a word with you?’ he asked.

As a result of Maria’s attentions that morning, and the fact that I had on my new skater-style dress bought the previous day, I was looking quite presentable. This knowledge gave me more confidence to deal with an unexpected situation.

‘I suppose so,’ I replied. ‘You’d better come inside and sit down.’

He looked distinctly embarrassed but I wasn’t in the mood to help him out with any preliminary small talk.

‘Well?’ I asked.

‘Ally, I know that things haven’t been too good between us over the last ten days or so,’ he began.

‘I don’t recall that I’ve had any problems with you, George, other than that you’ve been behaving rather oddly towards me,’ I responded.

‘Yes, I guess so.’

‘So what did you want to say to me?’ I asked, not exactly sighing, but he must have been aware from the tone of my voice that this was not the most convenient time for this conversation.

‘If this isn’t a good time, maybe I could come back,’ he began.

‘No, you’re here now; what can I do for you?’

He seemed to be struggling to find the right words, but then seemed to change tack completely.

‘Perhaps we could go out for a meal together this evening and discuss things then?’

This wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.

‘No, I don’t think so, George; I never know how you’re going to behave towards me. One minute you seem to be friendly and the next minute you cut me dead. So if there‘s something you need to say to me, or we need to discuss, let us sort it out here and now, in private. That way I can ask you to leave, if necessary. I’d rather do that than being forced to make a scene in a restaurant by walking out on you.’

‘Wow where did that come from?’ I asked myself. ‘I really am getting more confident as Ally.’

But I was also beginning to feel quite angry with him.

‘It’s just that you look so nice these days and act so like a girl.’

‘Is that supposed to be a compliment or a complaint?’

He ignored my question.

‘… and I don’t know how I should react to you.

‘Maybe you should have thought about that before you asked to come out with us in Venice, you must have known that you and I would probably end up together.’

‘I know, and we had a good time together, but I suppose I got worried about the way I was feeling towards you.’

‘I think you were more frightened of what other people might think of you to be seen out with a transgendered woman.’

He blushed and looked ashamed of himself.

‘Yes, maybe you’re right.’

‘If I look and behave like a girl, it is because that’s what I really am inside. There may be some superficial external issues relating to my body which I’ll need to address in the coming months, but those are my business.’

‘Yes, I realise that.’

‘I wasn’t expecting to have an on-board romance with you or to end up sharing your bed, but I think I deserved to be treated with a little more respect.’

‘Yes, I know; you’re right. I think you look lovely as a girl and I also admire you as a performer and a musical arranger.’

‘So you say. In that case why don’t you want us to work together as we used to?’

‘I do want us to work together.’

‘So why have you been avoiding me?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Well, at the moment I’m not sure what I feel about you, George. I used to think that I liked you but recent incidents of moral cowardice towards me have not put you in a particularly good light. As you already know, I admire you as a musician and would like us to continue working together, if we can. However, if you really cannot cope with spending time with a transgendered woman then we should have a meeting with all six of us to discuss what is to be done before it starts affecting all our work.’

He looked abashed by what I’d said.

‘The others have already spoken to me on that subject, last night.’

‘Which others?’

‘The guys and the other two Bunnies.’

This came as a surprise to me. Nobody had mentioned such a meeting to me.

‘What did they say?’

‘That I should either sort things out with you or else consider leaving the group and they would find another keyboard player.’

‘They would be hard put to find a better one,’ I said in a slightly more conciliatory voice. ‘But what did they say about me?’ I asked.

‘They said that you weren’t the problem – I was.’

‘Is that all?’

His cheeks went red and he looked towards the floor.

‘No, Carol said that it was clear that I fancied you and that you liked me, so we should both stop acting like a pair of fools and do something about it.’

I smiled at Carol’s bluntness but also blushed to think of myself as the subject of such a discussion.

‘What did the others say to that?’

‘Nothing, but I think they agreed with her.’

I didn’t respond immediately, trying to think about what to say. Most of my anger had now dissipated but I now regretted our afternoon together in Venice, although at the time it had been good fun. Before then things had been going alright between us and it was only afterwards that they turned sour.

‘Maybe we were both trying to ‘do something about it’ in Venice,’ I commented quietly. ‘But you asked if you could join us, if you remember, but then you chickened out at the last minute.’

‘I know, and that’s why I wondered maybe we could try again tonight without any of the others looking on?’

‘I’m sorry George but I’ve no money left to go out with you tonight.’

‘It will be my treat, I’d like to take you to dinner and then maybe we could go on to a club.’

I hesitated, unsure what to do, and so temporarily changed the subject.

‘So this has all been one big conspiracy then.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Carol and Beth persuaded me to buy a new dress yesterday, the guys arranging a meeting with you last night, then Maria leaving me on my own this afternoon – it all fits together.’

‘Well if there has been a conspiracy, it hasn’t involved me,’ he replied.

‘No, I can see that.’

‘So what do you think, Ally? Shall we go out together tonight?’ he asked again.

‘I don’t know. Our afternoon in Venice ended fairly disastrously; going out for a meal together might make things even worse between us.’

‘Can’t we just go out as any boy and a girl might do and just see what happens?’

I wasn’t sure how to respond, but at least he seemed now to be thinking of me as a girl.

‘Maybe we should take things slowly at first, without any commitment on either side. However, if you agree for us to resume working together again as two adults, then I’ll be happy to go out to dinner with you tonight. But perhaps we should leave the club for another time.’

He looked quite relieved.

‘Agreed, and I’m truly sorry about what happened after our afternoon out in Venice together.’

‘Me too! In fact you didn’t even give me a goodbye kiss,’ I said with a small laugh.

‘Would you like it now?’

I hadn’t meant it that way, but if I was going to kiss a guy for the first time, I might as well do so now, when no one else was watching.

‘Alright then, and depending upon how well you perform, I’ll decide whether or not I want to go out with you tonight,’ I replied with a shy smile.

We stood up and he took my hand and I allowed myself to be taken into his arms. I closed my eyes as our lips and then our tongues gently caressed one another. I’d never engaged in a passionate kiss with anyone before but it somehow felt right for me to do so. From the bulge that I could feel in his trousers, I guess that George felt the same way himself. By this time I’d been taking Aldactone for the last five days so there was no comparable stirring between my legs, but I did feel a wave of pleasure flow through me all the same.

I’d no great desire to bring our embrace to an end but after a minute or two the cabin door opened and Maria walked in, carrying her shopping. Immediately we sprang apart and both looked slightly embarrassed.

‘I am sorry, I come back later,’ she said.

‘No Maria, please stay,’ I replied, ‘George was just about to leave.’

I then turned to George and smiled,

‘So what time do you want to collect me this evening?’

He looked very happy.

‘How about seven thirty?’

‘That’ll be fine, I’ll look forward to it,’ I replied with a smile.

He left us without a further word.

As soon as the door closed Maria turned to me with a grin.

‘I am sorry Ally, I should have left a little more time for you to finish your embrace.’

‘You knew that he would be coming to see me this afternoon, didn’t you?’

‘Yes; your cousin rang me last night to say that I should make sure that you were looking your best and to leave you on your own for the afternoon. You appear to have made better use of the opportunity this time.’

‘Maybe; I’m not sure, but we are going out together tonight.’

‘Yes, I noticed that you were not sure. I believe that you are now a ‘saucy wench’.’

I laughed.

‘I suppose you are right, and what is more, I’ll have an opportunity to wear my new dress to prove it.’

On this occasion there was no argument between Maria and myself about whether or not my proposed dinner with George constituted ‘a date’ in the ‘romantic appointment,’ sense.

On Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from Carol.

‘Hi Ally, where are you?’

‘I’m on board, in my cabin.’

‘We’re at the dock gates and I’ve brought your suitcase containing all of Alex’s clothes, so you’d better come ashore and decide what you are going to do with them.’

‘Thanks, Carol, for all your trouble.’

‘You’re lucky that Beth’s Dad had offered to drive us both here, otherwise there might have been some awkward questions to answer from Mum.’

I joined them both at the Quayside, where I removed the address label from the case and quickly checked through the contents to make sure that it contained nothing that might identify me. I locked it shut using the combination lock.

‘So what are you planning to do with the case now, Ally?’ asked Beth.

‘Get rid of it of course. There will be no more trace of Alex after today.’

‘Are you sure you know what you are doing?’ asked Carol.

‘That’s a good question coming from someone who talked me into buying a dress the day before yesterday and then fixed me up with a date last night,’ I replied.

‘So you and George went out together last night,’ said Carol looking pleased with herself. ‘That’ll be a relief to everyone. So how did you get on? Have you sorted things out between yourselves?’

‘I believe so,’ I replied.

‘So what else happened?’ asked Beth.

‘What happens in Southampton, stays in Southampton,’ I replied, with a smile.

‘You will be staying in Southampton, in A&E, if you don’t at least give us a clue as to what happened last night, after we’ve lugged this case over here for you.’

‘Well George and I have agreed to be friends once again and we’ll also be working together on some new arrangements for us all.’

‘Good, but that isn’t all, is it?’

‘We’re going to play things by ear as to whether or not we want to take things any further but without any commitment on either side. We’ve arranged to go out together when the ship docks at Gibraltar in a couple of days, but there will be other times, such as when we visit Barcelona, when we will want to go our own way and do our own things. The main point is that he has promised to start treating me like a girl in future rather than trying to avoid me all the time.’

‘Good! Did he kiss you this time?’

‘Maybe, once or twice,’ I replied blushing.

By this time I’d started walking over to the luggage hall, opposite to the ship’s berth, taking my case, as I didn’t want to go in to any more detail about the events of the previous night. The guy behind the counter recognised me as a member of staff.

‘What can I do for you, love?’ he asked?’

‘This case has been found outside on the dockside. It’s locked and there appears to be no identification on it.’

‘You’d better put it through the scanner so we can make sure that it doesn’t contain anything dangerous or illegal,’ he instructed.

I did as he said. He carefully checked the screen

‘It seems to be alright, it only contains clothes. Put it over there in the corner, please’, he said indicating one or two other forlorn looking items of luggage.

I did as he said.

‘What happens to lost property?’ asked Carol.

‘If no one has claimed it within a week we’ll send it to the central lost property office. They’ll keep it for a few more weeks and eventually dispose of it.’

‘By the time we get back to Southampton there will no longer be any trace of Alex,’ I quietly said to my companions as we left and boarded the ship in preparation for our third voyage.

‘So when are you planning to notify your Mum and Dad?’ asked Carol.

‘I know that it will have to be soon, but I have some business to complete in Barcelona first,’ I replied.

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Chapter 19 The Next Step

George and I made up for lost time during the first few days at sea of our third cruise – at least we did so in terms of our working relationship. We had several sessions together during which we worked out arrangements for a number of new songs which we later introduced to the others. We worked well and often had a laugh together and our past awkwardness seemed to be forgotten. He was no longer frightened of physical contact and so he would sometimes put his arm around me or we would exchange a friendly kiss if he walked me back to my cabin after one of the evening shows. This somewhat more relaxed atmosphere showed up in our performances which were better than they’d been of late. We even began to organise an amateur choir among the staff and crew of the ship with the idea of getting them to a good enough standard to be able to perform in front of an audience, perhaps making a collection for charity. I strong-armed Maria to take a break from her studies and come along to the rehearsals, whilst Carol and Beth encouraged their boyfriends to do so as well. Relations between the Bucks and the Bunnies also improved and the other guys in the band treated me no differently from Carol or Beth. We would often take our meals together, especially when Carol and Beth’s boyfriends were on duty and on these occasions Maria was treated as an honorary Bunny and we all tried to help her with her English.

Having an acknowledged ‘boyfriend’ on board, just like Beth and Carol, was useful to me as it meant that other guys in the crew were less likely to try their chances. As before, we all three received compliments from passengers of both sexes and sometimes indulged in a little mild flirting with the guys. However any invitations, no matter how innocent they might seem at first sight, were politely turned down.

In other respects things carried on much as they’d done on the previous voyage with the Bunny Hops held in the mornings when we were at sea followed by my giving Maria an English-language lesson after lunch and our regular performances during the afternoons and the evenings. With more clothes to choose from and more experience in dealing with my hair and makeup I began to take more responsibility for the way I looked when we were not performing. Maria was less likely to criticise my appearance although she continued to offer occasional helpful hints. She, in turn, continued to make good progress with her English language and was now far more confident than she’d been when she started.

As previously arranged, George and I went ashore together for a few hours when the ship called at Gibraltar on the outward journey. We took a cab to the Jews Gate and began the hour and a half long ascent of the Mediterranean steps, admiring the wonderful foliage as we went. It was hard work, especially upon my knees and I was glad that I was wearing sensible shoes, had bought myself a straw hat and that we’d both brought some drinking water. However, once we had reached the end of the trail the truly stunning sea views made it all worthwhile. We remained seated for twenty-minutes or so admiring the view, with his arm round my shoulders and my head resting on his but we both had things to do during the afternoon, so soon began to descend and make our way back to the ship. It was an innocent enough excursion, but this time we held hands as we walked along the quayside and exchanged a kiss when we parted at the top of the gangplank without worrying about who might be looking on. I don’t think either of us was madly in love with the other or felt there was likely to be a long term relationship between us, but I was enjoying being a girl and it was turning into a pleasant summer interlude, all the same.

I made my way to our cabin where Maria was waiting for her daily English lesson. On this occasion our roles were going to be reversed and she had promised to act the part of Dr Martinez, and I would attempt to explain to her, in Spanish, about my lifelong wish to be a girl and why I now wanted to begin hormone replacement therapy. I had been studying Maria’s translation of my email, which covered most of the points that I wanted to make. She asked me a few supplementary questions when I was not being clear or felt that the Doctor might require more information. By the time that Maria had to return to her work I felt I’d done as much preparation for the forthcoming interview as I could.

‘I haven’t mentioned my plans to any of the others, and I’d prefer not to do so, at least until after I have seen the doctor. Can you think of an excuse for me to explain why I would want to go ashore on my own?’ I asked.

‘Why not tell the others that you have been invited to take la comida with my parents again. That way, we would take the Green line metro together but you can get off at Diagonal and I will continue to my home at Vallcarca?’ she suggested. ‘After you have finished you can telephone me to arrange for us to meet before we return to the ship together.’

‘Thank you, Maria; that will be helpful.’

We had one full-day at sea after Gibraltar arriving at Barcelona in the evening and docking, to enable the passengers to disembark first thing in the morning. That evening we were getting ready for our performance as usual.

‘Do you have any plans to go ashore with George tomorrow?’ asked Beth.

‘No the Bucks are planning to do their own thing this time, and I’ve been invited to lunch with Maria’s parents.’

‘I hope you have a good time.’

What are you two planning?’ I asked.

‘The guys have promised to take Carol and me for a surprise treat tomorrow.’

‘I hope it will be a nice surprise for you both.’

After our evening show I went straight back to our cabin with Maria where she showed me how to touch up my hair roots.

‘I will not always be around to help you, Ally, so you should learn how to do this for yourself. It is not difficult to do, but you need to take precautions by wearing an old tee shirt and using the gloves that you will find in the packet.’

I did as I was instructed. She then told me how create a parting in the centre of my hair and to mix the dye before applying it to my hair using the applicator provided. I then proceeded to massage it into my roots. She showed me how to do this on the first occasion and then watched as I created further partings and applied more dye until eventually there was no longer any trace of the darker roots and my hair colour was even and looked quite natural.

‘Have you decided what you are going to wear when you see Dr Martinez tomorrow?’ she asked.

‘Not really. I want to look feminine and smart to convince her that I am serious about my plans but I do not want to go over the top with the glamour.'

‘Ah yes, that is an idiom?’ said Maria. It means the same as ‘getting carried away’ or ‘going too far.
‘So in English you have idioms to replace other idioms – why don’t you just say what you mean?’

‘I don’t know, Maria.’

‘I think you should wear the blue dress that I gave to you and the blue wedges. You will then look both smart and sensible.’

‘Alright then, I am always happy to take your advice.’

‘Now it is time to wash the dye from your hair and put on some conditioner. I will then put it in rollers so that tomorrow we will have you looking your best.’

Twelve hours later Maria gave me a hug as our Metro train arrived at Diagonal station.

‘Good luck, Ally. You look very smart today.’

‘I may look alright but I’m feeling pretty nervous. Thank you for all your help, Maria, you have been a good friend to me.’

‘Do you have your local SIM card in your phone?’ she asked.

(Because we were regular visitors to Barcelona the Bucks and the Bunnies had all invested in local SIM cards as it worked out so much cheaper to make calls between ourselves avoiding the mobile roaming charges.)

‘Yes, I have plenty of credit.’

‘Please telephone me when you are finished with Dr Martinez.'

The clinic was a couple of streets away from the metro station so I was in plenty of time for my appointment. I introduced myself to the receptionist and was asked to take a seat. After waiting for ten minutes or so, I was approached by a motherly looking, but smartly dressed woman in her mid-fifties who invited me to come in to her office and take a seat. There is not a lot of point in my trying to repeat verbatim the rather tortuous conversation that we had with her imperfect English and my broken Spanish, but we understood one another. In this respect Maria’s translation of my email was an enormous help in answering most of her questions. I explained that I had begun taking an anti-androgen but was anxious to begin taking oestrogen under medical supervision as soon as possible. She asked me how much I knew about the effects of taking oestrogen on my body, and I explained that I fully understood the risks and long term effects of taking hormones but was certain that it was the right course for me. She nodded and did not seem particularly surprised. She then asked whether I fully understood the implications and potential problems associated with transitioning and spending the rest of my life as a woman: that there would be economic, legal and social as well as medical issues to be dealt with. In this respect my copious background reading came to my aid and I was able to convince her that I fully understood what I was doing. Once again, she was not surprised that I was so well informed.

Her final questions related to the more difficult matter of whether I’d discussed my plans with my parents and what was their reaction. I answered, truthfully, that I had not done so, because they would undoubtedly try and bully me into changing my mind, as they had done when I was a child. I said that I would tell them as soon as I had begun my hormone regime. She did not seem to be surprised by this and I had the impression that several of her patients had told similar stories. I ended by saying that I hoped to find a doctor who would oversee my transition so I would not be forced to do so using information acquired from the Internet.

Before deciding what to do, Dr Martinez asked to see evidence of my age. For once I was able to provide this by means of my passport, which I did not normally take ashore but had thought to bring with me at the last minute. She spent a little time comparing the photograph of Alexander and myself but then smiled and said I made una mujer Hermosa. I thanked her and did my best to explain that I was sharing a cabin with a beautician who was helping me with my presentation. She sighed but then seemed to come to a decision.

‘Fumas? she asked.

‘’No fumo, I’ve never smoked,’ I replied.

She nodded and seemed glad about that.

‘Bien, voy a recetar dos milligramos Estradiol para usted,’ she announced.

I understood enough to know that she just agreed to prescribe me the usual starting dose of oestrogen.’

Gracias,’ I replied, with a feeling of relief.

She wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

‘I give you three month supply. Then we reconsider dose. When you come to see me again?’ she asked.

‘My ship calls at Barcelona every ten days.’

‘Make appointment to see me in thirty days.’

‘Yes, of course.’

’Buena suerte con su nueva vida,’ she said, smiling, as I was about to leave.

I returned her smile and thanked her for her good wishes for my new life before getting up and leaving. On my way out I paid the fee for my consultation, to the receptionist. I emerged on to the Avigunda Diagonal in a daze. It all seemed to go so much easier than I’d imagined. I found a bar and ordered a café espresso and wondered how long it would take before my dosage was established and I could continue the medications on my own. I would have no difficulty consulting Dr Martinez at regular intervals until mid-September but thereafter it could work out expensive if I had to fly out to Barcelona each time I needed to see her. Eventually I took out my phone and called Maria.

‘Hi, Ally, how did it go for you?’ she asked.

‘Fine, she has given me a prescription for three months. I'll now need to find a pharmacy to supply them.’

‘Do not be too hasty. Let me call Juanita first, she may be able to get them for precio al por mayor.

‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘The price they pay to the distributor.’

‘The English term is wholesale price,’ I said, resuming my role as her teacher.

‘What did the doctor prescribe to you?’

‘Ninety Estradiol pills, two milligrams, to be taken daily,’ I replied.

‘I call you back.’

Ten minutes later my phone rang.

‘You should go to the bar near to the Plaça Espanya where we met Juanita, at three fifty this afternoon. She and I will meet you there and she will provide your medications at a wholesale price.’

‘Thanks Maria.’

I now had more than two and a half hours to kill before my appointment and so filled the time by walking through the narrow streets of the old city before making my way to the Plaça de Catalunya where I sat for a while looking at the fountains and the sculptures. I was trying to come to terms with everything that had happened to me during the eight weeks since I’d arrived in the UK. My life had changed so much for the better, in so many ways and I so enjoyed myself as one of the Bunnies and in helping Maria, but was I sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a woman? I’d been so sure of the rightness of my proposed course of action that I’d even got rid of Alex’s clothes. Yet I was also conscious that I was on the point of no return. Later that day I hoped to take my first dose of oestrogen and begin a process that would gradually turn me into a transgendered woman, and then there would be no going back. I would then have to face up to all the implications of that decision including explaining to my parents. Was I sure? Was I rushing in to things? Was I so enamoured with being able to wear nice clothes and makeup that I was not considering the potential difficulties that I would inevitably encounter? Maybe I should wait for a while and discuss it with my parents? But then I began to think about the implications for me of reverting to Alex and I remembered how lonely and unhappy I’d been over the last few years. I knew in my soul that if I did not go ahead now it would become progressively more difficult and I might never have the courage to do so again. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.

It was this realisation that eventually spurred me into action to walk the kilometre to the Plaça Espanya, where I arrived ten minutes early for my appointment with Juanita and Maria, with a head that was clear of any doubts. They arrived at the agreed time and Juanita handed over a box of tablets in exchange for my prescription and thirty Euros. The price was somewhat less than I’d imagined, but I calculated with the price of the Aldactone and the Consultation Fees I would spend all the money that my parents had given to me for my birthday on my medications – and once again I asked myself what better eighteenth birthday present could they have bought for me, if only they understood?

‘Gracias Juanita,’ I said

She smiled and said something in Catalan which Maria had to translate for me.

‘You should take one tablet each day, but do not swallow them. Place it under your tongue so that it dissolves gradually to give you a slow even dose of the hormone.’

I opened the packet and did as she instructed. At one level I felt no different, but at another level I knew that I‘d ‘crossed the Rubicon’ in my journey towards femininity and felt a great sense of relief. I would now take the next opportunity to tell the other Bunnies what I’d done, and then the rest of my family.

Maria and I arrived back at the ship shortly before five o’clock; there was no sign of the others. I handed my identity card to the guy at the end of the gangplank and he scanned it to record my presence on board once again. As he did so, a warning flashed up on the screen.

‘There is a note here saying that there’s a telephone message for you in the office, Miss, it is marked urgent.’

I left Maria and made my way to the office wondering who might want to contact me urgently. The secretary handed me a slip of paper. It proved to be from my Aunt.

Ally, I have been trying to ring you and Carol on your mobiles all day but there has been no response from either of you. As soon as you get this message telephone me, irrespective of the time or cost. It is very urgent!
Aunt Emm.

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Chapter 20 Preparations for a visit

As soon as I read my Aunt’s message, I switched the SIM card in my phone to my usual one from the UK and dialled her number. She answered almost immediately.

‘What’s the trouble Aunt Emm?’ I asked, feeling a little bit alarmed.

‘Your mother has booked a double-cabin on your ship and will be joining the cruise at Venice in a week’s time and then sailing back to Southampton. She rang me this morning to ask if I wanted to accompany her.’

‘But why is she coming now and why isn’t Dad coming?’ I asked.

‘She said that she was fed up with waiting for your father to suggest a convenient time for him to take a break from his work, and since you seemed unwilling to speak to her on Skype, she’s decided to come to check-up on you in person.’

I was silent for a moment, rapidly going through the implications of her arrival.

‘Ally, are you still there?’

‘Yes, sorry! Are you planning to come with her?’

‘Well it is a generous offer on her part and it’ll give me a chance to see Carol in action as well, so I’ve agreed to go, although I wonder if she’s going to be prepared to share a cabin with me once she finds out what you’ve been doing over the last few weeks.’

‘I promise to make it clear to her that my decision to live and work as a girl has nothing to do with you or Carol.’

‘Maybe, but I’ve known all about the Honey Bunnies and haven’t told her.’

She then paused for a few seconds before continuing.

‘In fact I haven’t really been told the full story, have I? I’ve just been watching a film clip of you on You Tube with your long blonde hair and bunny-girl outfit. I hadn't realised that things had gone so far. Goodness only knows what your mother is going to say when she sees finds out.’

‘I suppose Maria and I did get a little carried away with my makeover, but Carol and Beth look just as good as I do in the outfits.’

‘I think you all three look lovely but I’m not sure that my sister is going to feel the same way.’

‘Do you think she suspects anything already?’ I asked.

‘She didn’t give me that impression but that will be an academic question when she meets Ally for the first time.’

She then thought for a while before continuing.

‘I assume that she will be meeting you as Ally.’

‘Oh yes,’ I replied without hesitation. ‘Apart from anything else I no longer have any clothes for Alex to wear.’

‘Why not?’

‘I’ve got rid of them.’

It was probably just as well that I was unable to see the expression on her face as I gave her this news. I heard an intake of breath.

‘In that case you’re going to have to sort out what you are going to do or say to your mother pretty quickly.’

‘I know; so what exactly are the travel arrangements next week?’ I asked.

‘She’ll be flying into Gatwick Airport six days from today, and will stay overnight in a hotel. I’ll meet her there the following morning and we’ll fly to Venice Marco Polo, arriving at lunch time.’

‘Alright, I’ll talk to Carol later this evening and then let you know our plans tomorrow.’

I rang off not sure what to make of the news. On the one hand I was dreading the inevitable row once she found out about me and the Bunnies, but she was going to have to know sometime and maybe it was better for her to do so when I had Carol and Aunt Emma as my allies. I went to find Carol, but she and Beth hadn’t arrived back on board. In fact they only just made it back in time to meet the deadline before the ship set sail so I had no chance to talk to my cousin alone.

It was not until we were preparing for our performance that I got any opportunity to talk to her. We were due to contribute to the theatre show that evening as we left Barcelona, heading towards Italy. On these occasions we took a little more time than usual in getting ourselves ready. Thus the three Bunnies and Maria were in our dressing room by seven o’clock.

‘Ladies, I have two announcements that I’d like to make,’ I began.

Beth and Carol looked at me. Maria, who guessed the subject of one of the announcements, continued fixing Beth’s hair for her.

‘I’ve already told you that Alex won’t be coming back. Ten days ago I started taking testosterone blockers to prevent my features from becoming any more masculine. Earlier today I also consulted a doctor who has prescribed for me a course of female hormones.’

Beth and Carol glanced at one another but didn’t look as surprised as I’d imagined. I felt that they must have discussed this matter and considered it as a possible outcome.

‘What effect will the hormones have on you?’ asked Beth.

‘Over the next few months my weight distribution will gradually become more like that of a woman and I hope that I will begin to grow my own boobs, so I’ll no longer need the forms. My skin should become smoother as well. Thankfully I’ve never had much facial or other bodily hair, but I’m now unlikely to grow any more.’

‘You’ve obviously been thinking seriously about this for some time. I trust that you know what you are doing,’ said Carol.

I nodded.

‘Yes, of course. This is something I’ve dreamed about doing for many years, but have only just had the opportunity to do so,’ I replied.

‘So this isn’t just the result of you joining the Honey Bunnies,’ said Beth a little anxiously.

‘Joining the Honey Bunnies has enabled me to recognise the real me – who I really am. It’s the best thing that has happened to me and I’m very grateful to you both, and also to you, Maria.’

‘Will you be telling the guys about this?’ asked Beth.

‘I’m not intending to say anything to them to begin with, although I hope that the changes to my body will eventually become apparent.’

‘What about your parents?’ asked Carol.

‘They still don’t know, but now that I’ve taken this irrevocable step, it is only fair that they should be told, which brings me to my second announcement. My mother, and your mother, Carol, will be joining the cruise at Venice in six and a half days from now and returning with us to Southampton.’

This time everyone looked surprised.

‘When did you hear this?’ asked Carol.

‘About an hour and a half ago. Your mother has been trying to phone you all day but has been unable to get through.’

‘I’ve had my Spanish SIM card in place all day. But will you be letting your mother know about Ally before she arrives.’

‘No, I don’t think so, just in case she changes her mind and cancels her booking.’

‘So you’re planning to wait until she’s on board before telling her?’

‘No, just in case there are any histrionics – I’d rather they didn’t take place on the ship in front of my colleagues. I thought the best place to do so would be at the airport when she arrives. In fact it will be obvious as soon as she sees me.’

‘So that meeting will be with Ally rather than Alex?’ said Beth.

‘Of course, as I've just said, Alex isn’t coming back, In any event, he would have nothing to wear, if you remember.’

‘I suppose so.’

‘Carol, would you be willing to come with me to the airport, so we can separate our respective mothers and then I’ll have a private word with mine.’

‘Exactly how are you planning to separate them?’ she asked.

‘We’ll tell them that we’re planning to meet them off the plane. When we know that they’ve arrived and are through immigration and customs, I’ll ask the information desk to make an announcement for my mother to collect a message. Your mother should suggest that she waits in the Arrivals Lobby with the luggage whilst my mother goes to collect the message. I will wait and then introduce myself to her whilst you join your mother. Then I will take a little time to explain to her the situation before we all meet up again.’

‘Alright then.’

‘Are you planning to tell the guys about the impending arrival of your two mothers?’ asked Beth.

‘I suppose we’d better warn them just in case there is some come-back as a result of Mum’s visit, but maybe we should leave it until a little nearer the time,’ I replied.

Our performance in the theatre that night was a triumph. Everybody looked great and was singing or playing their best. George and I had recently introduced several new numbers to our repertoire and Carol and Beth had worked out some new dance routines. In fact the Bucks and the Bunnies were really performing well together once again. I felt it to be the most professional show we’d ever done.

‘If only Mum and Dad could have seen us, I’m sure they would have been proud of me,’ I thought as we took our bows.

‘If we can keep up that standard on a regular basis it might be worth our thinking about going professional in the longer term,’ commented James to me as we left the stage. ‘As long as you didn’t mind continuing as Ally, that is.’

I answered him with a non-committal smile. It was a nice idea, but I didn’t think it was likely to come off. Carol and Beth both had university courses to finish and I was becoming more attracted to the idea of starting one – if only I could do so as Ally.

Over the next couple of days Carol and I made detailed plans for our mothers’ forthcoming visit. We would have no difficulty in taking a bus out to the airport in time to meet their flight. Assuming that we all took a land taxi from the airport, we would have about four and a half hours available to divulge my news to Mum, calm her down and get back to the ship in time for them to check in before it was due to sail. There were no flights back to the UK during that time and so she would have no choice but to remain with us. I was also counting on the fact that she would be feeling somewhat jet-lagged after her journey and less inclined to have a public row with me. Thus when the ship called at Palermo Carol telephoned her mother to put her in the picture, and Aunt Emm agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to co-operate with our plan and not to say anything to my mother prior to their arrival. I also sent an email to my Mum, with a blind copy to my aunt.

Hi Mum,
I’ve just heard that you and Aunt Emm will be joining our cruise. That’s great news and I’m looking forward to showing you what we’ve been doing over the last few weeks. I’ve also some exciting news to divulge to you, but I’m afraid it will have to wait until we have the opportunity to speak together.
Love to you and Dad,
Alex.

As I typed that name I promised myself that it would be the last time that I ever used it. Alex could be used as a girl's name, but not for me; it had too many uncomfortable associations attached to it.

I continued to allow one Estradiol tablet to dissolve under my tongue each morning as well as continuing with my daily dose of Aldactone, never doubting the wisdom of my taking this medication. I knew that I would have to tell Mum at some stage although I was still unsure exactly when and how to do so. It might be better to let her get used to the idea of having a daughter first. I didn’t notice any significant change as a result of taking the new tablets, just a vague tingling in my left breast. Nevertheless, I removed my breast forms just to check that all was well and left them off for a few hours overnight before replacing them. These days I was so used to wearing the forms that it felt decidedly odd to be without them.

Once the ship entered the Adriatic Sea, George wanted a talk with me after one of our regular practice sessions together.

‘I wondered if you’ve any plans for our day off in Venice, Ally. I enjoyed our afternoon there together last time even if it did end badly.’

‘What are the other Bucks planning to do?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea, I haven’t asked them. I would prefer to go ashore with just the two of us, if that suits you.’

I sighed.

‘I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to, George, but I’m afraid I can’t, and what’s more you may wish to keep your distance from me on the voyage back.’

‘But why? I thought we were getting on better recently.’

‘It’s nothing to do with you, or how I feel about you, but my mother and Carol’s mother have arranged to join the cruise and we will be meeting them at Marco Polo airport. My mother doesn’t yet know about Ally, and I’m not sure how she’s going to react when she does find out. It’s going to be bad enough for her to find that her erstwhile son is now her daughter and is performing in a girl band without also discovering that she has a boyfriend as well.’

‘Well, it is up to you to decide, but I’m not ashamed of having you as my girlfriend – in fact quite the opposite. I would be happy to meet your mother if you wish.’

It was nice to see that he was at least now willing to acknowledge our relationship.

‘I suggest we play it by ear, let’s see how she reacts to meeting me first,’ I replied.

‘Alright then,’ he replied, sounding disappointed.

‘Thank you, George, and thanks for asking me out, although I can’t come on this occasion,’ I said giving him a kiss.

‘But you might mention my Mum’s planned visit to the other guys in the band, just in case there are any issues when she comes on board.’

‘What sort of issues?’

‘Just in case she betrays my secret to the whole ship's company.’

Later, that evening I discussed with Maria what I would wear for my planned meeting with Mum.

‘I don’t want to look too girly as I’ll probably need to help her with her luggage, but on the other hand I want it to be quite obvious to her that I am now living as a girl.’

‘I do not think there will be any doubt in her mind once she sees you, but I suggest you should wear your skater dress over a pair of leggings and some medium heels.’

‘That’s a good idea, it will look pretty but be practical at the same time. There's also the question of my hair though: I love having the long blonde hair but it is also very noticeable. Is there any way I could tone it down for the first meeting with my mother?’ I asked.

‘It would be a mistake to try and colour your hair, but I will show you how to braid your hair and tuck it away neatly into a bun so that it is not so obvious.’

‘Yes, you’re right. I don’t mind making a few compromises with my appearance to ease the shock of our first meeting, but I’m hoping my mother will come and see the Bunnies perform and so she will have to get used to my long hair and the Bunny costumes.’

In the event, we were all permitted to go ashore for a couple of hours at Dubrovnik the day before the ship reached Venice. As usual Carol and Beth were keen to spend some time with their boyfriends and Maria was happy enough to return to her studies. I therefore asked George if I could treat him to lunch ashore, by way of consolation for my having turned him down regarding Venice. He seemed pleased with the idea and we found ourselves a quiet sea-food restaurant in the old town where we shared a meal of stuffed baby squid in its own ink.

‘How are you feeling about tomorrow?’ he asked.

‘Nervous,’ I replied. ‘In fact, very nervous, but I’ve been putting off letting my parents know about Ally for so long now that I’m not sorry that Mum’s visit has forced my hand.’

‘Well good luck and I hope all goes well for you when she arrives,’ he said squeezing my hand. 'If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.'

I smiled, but didn’t feel particularly confident.

The following morning I awoke early, showered, and then sat staring at myself in the mirror.

‘Do you wish that I fix your hair and makeup for you today Ally?’ asked Maria getting out of bed and putting on a dressing gown. ‘You do not look as if you will do it well today.’

‘Yes please, I’m feeling far too nervous to do it for myself.’

‘But it is only your mother; I would be more worried about the reactions of my father.’

‘No; in our family Dad is the breadwinner but Mum makes all of the important decisions. If Mum accepts me as Ally, then I know that Dad will do so as well.’

‘Breadwinner? What is a breadwinner?’

‘It is the person in a family who makes the money to allow the family to function. Usually it is the father, but not always, especially if the mother has a good job.’

‘I see,’ she said beginning to braid my hair.

‘In Britain we would say that ‘my mother wears the trousers in their marriage,’ meaning that she makes the decisions.’

‘Britain is a strange country where the mothers wear the trousers and the sons wear the dresses.’

‘You have transgendered women in Spain - look at your friend Juanita. In any event I now like to think of myself as their daughter not their son.’

Maria smiled.

‘I know, I joke with you.’

She had now pinned my hair neatly in a bun. I no longer looked so overwhelmingly ‘blonde’.

‘How much makeup do you want me to use?’ she asked.

‘Mum used to like wearing makeup when she was my age, so I do not see why I shouldn’t do so as well,’ I replied. ‘You understand my situation, I don’t want to look like a beauty queen, so please use your own judgement.’

As usual, Maria made a good job and provided me with exactly the right look for the occasion.

As I was leaving I noticed an envelope had been left outside the door addressed to me. It was in George’s handwriting and turned out to be a good luck card signed by the Bucks and the Bunnies. I was especially pleased that George appeared to have bought the card and orchestrated the signing of it.

---

 

 

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Chapter 21 Meet and greet

As soon we’d finished helping to organise the disembarkation of those passengers due to leave the cruise, Carol and I cadged a lift on the shuttle provided by the company as far as the Piazzale Roma. There we caught an airport bus which was scheduled to arrive half an hour before our mothers’ plane was due to land. We then made our way to the arrivals hall and checked the indicator boards for details of their flight. Eventually it announced the landing of the flight from Gatwick.

‘Ah well, my goose is now cooked, I’m up shit creek without a paddle,’ I thought to myself, making a mental note to discuss these idioms with Maria when next we had a lesson together.

Carol could see from the expression on my face just how nervous I was feeling about the impending meeting with my mother, but, like me, she realised that it was now too late to do anything to avoid it.

‘The airport is fairly busy this morning so I guess it is going to take at least forty five minutes to an hour for them to clear immigration, collect their luggage and pass through customs. Why don’t we have a coffee whilst we are waiting?’ she asked.

‘Yes please, I could do with something to take my mind off things,’ I replied.

I was only a light social drinker but at that moment felt that I could really do with something a little bit stronger than coffee, even though it didn’t particularly like the taste of spirits. But, on the other hand, the last thing I wanted was to be smelling of booze with a be-fuddled head when I met Mum.

‘A coffee will be fine, thanks.’

We made our way to a free table and Carol went to purchase the drinks.

‘Mum has promised to send me a text when they’ve collected their cases and are proceeding through customs,’ Carol said when she returned. ‘As soon as that’s been received, I suggest that you make your way over to the information desk and ask them to page your mother. After that, I’m afraid you’ll be on your own and it will be up to you to handle the situation. Once that message has been broadcast I’ll go over to join my mother and stay with her until we get a message from you that all’s well.’

‘And if all isn’t well? If my mother has a hissy fit or falls down in a dead faint?’ I asked.

‘I’m afraid we’ll just have to play things by ear. But her options will be limited: she can’t get back on a plane and return to the UK - at least not today. Mum and I will be watching from a distance and will come over and offer assistance if required.’

I sighed.

‘I take it that you’ve got the correct SIM card in your phone?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I checked this morning,’ she replied.

‘And you’re sure that I look alright?’

She smiled.

‘Ally, you look great. You always do these days. So please don’t worry.’

But I couldn’t stop myself from worrying.

Carol was spot on with her estimate and fifty minutes after landing the expected text message came through, containing just two words – ‘coming soon!’

‘Off you go then, Ally, and good luck.’

I gave a weak smile by way of acknowledgment and followed her instructions to the letter. I went to the enquiry office and explained that I couldn’t find my mother and listened as the message went out over the public address, requesting that Mrs Lydia Fletcher, a passenger recently arrived from Gatwick, should make her way to the information desk in the arrivals hall where there is a message for her.

I eventually caught sight of my mother, looking slightly anxious as she made her way towards the desk. I had not seen her in several weeks and our relations had been strained before I left, but now I was anxious to see her – if only she felt the same way about me – the new me - that is. She must have seen me standing next to the information desk but clearly did not recognise me. I therefore stepped forward to head her off before she had a chance to speak one of the assistants.

‘Hello Mum,’ I said, doing my best to find Alex’s voice once again, although I hadn’t used it for some weeks.

My mother turned to look at me when she heard my voice, but assumed she’d made a mistake, and looked as if she was about to continue walking towards the information desk.

‘Mum, it’s me,’ I said continuing to speak in Alex’s voice, although I couldn’t bring myself to add his name or the descriptor ‘your son’ to my sentence.

She turned again to look at me.

‘Alex?’ she asked in a voice that conveyed something between uncertainty and disbelief. ‘But you’ve dyed your hair?’

‘Is that the only change you’ve noticed?’ I thought to myself.

‘Yes, it looks nice doesn’t it?’ I replied.

We both of us treated that as a rhetorical question, as she stared at me with her mouth open. She didn’t seem to be on the verge of fainting or hysterics but she certainly looked as if she were in a state of shock.

‘As you can see we have some things that we need to talk about,’ I said now reverting to Ally’s voice. ‘Perhaps we could sit down at that café over there and have a cup of tea together.’

I gestured towards some nearby tables served by a refreshment counter. Mum continued to look stunned and gave the impression that she felt as if she might be dreaming.

‘I don’t want a cup of tea, and I’ve just left your Aunt alone looking after my luggage.’

‘I think you should sit down for a minute,’ I said, this time a little more firmly.

The last thing I wanted was for her to keel over (yet another nautical idiom!) any minute.

‘Don’t worry about Aunt Emm, or your luggage; Carol is with her now. We’ve plenty of time before you need to arrive at the ship so please come and sit down for a minute so we can talk together. If you don’t want a cup of tea, I’ll get you a glass of water.’

By this time she’d accepted, albeit reluctantly, that I was indeed the fruit of her loins, and not some mischievous changeling that had emerged from the depths of her imagination.

‘But why are you dressed like that? And what has happened to your voice?'

‘Just come and sit down for a minute,’ I continued. ‘I’ll get us something to drink and then I promise to explain everything.’

She still seemed dazed but allowed herself to be guided by me to a vacant table whilst I went to the counter and quickly ordered just enough that we might legitimately use their tables for a while. Now that we’d actually met I felt myself to be growing in confidence that I was going to be able to handle the situation.

‘Why are you pretending to be a girl?’ she asked as soon as I’d returned.

This time her tone was less bemused and more accusatory.

I was tempted to respond that I was not pretending, that I’d always been a girl but she and my father had never allowed me to recognise it. However, I didn’t want to overwhelm her with information during the first few minutes of our meeting. After all I would have two weeks to tell her everything that she needed to know.

‘I’m dressed like this because I’ve taken a job as an entertainer in an all-girl singing group and it’s a condition of my employment that I stay dressed as a girl throughout the voyage. The majority of people on the ship only know me as a girl called Ally, and I’ve no wish that they should think anything else.’

‘But your employers can’t force you to dress as a girl, against your will.’

’Who said it was against my will?’ I thought to myself.

‘Mum, this has been the best job I could possibly get and I’ve been having a wonderful time. I’ve gained a lot of useful experience and have made some good friends. If you were now to come on board and start referring to me as Alex, or treating me as if I were a boy, then not only will I lose my job, but so too will Carol and four of our good friends. If that happened Carol and I would never forgive you.’

‘But …’

I was now in full flow and wasn’t going to be diverted.

‘Mum, this holiday that you’ve booked will be a great opportunity for the two of us to get on better terms with one another and discuss my future. But it’s only going to work if you’re willing to accept me as a daughter named Ally, rather than a son named Alex whilst we’re on board together.’

‘But what am I going to say to your father?’

’I knew you would bring this up even though it is you who will ultimately decide whether or not Ally is accepted into our family,’ I thought.

‘You don’t need to say anything to him; at least not for the time being. You can email him this evening to confirm your safe arrival and that we’ve met. That’s all he needs to know for now. We’ll have plenty of opportunity to discuss what to tell him and when.’

‘Does your Aunt know that you’ve been pretending to be a girl?’ Mum asked.

I didn’t like the phrase ‘pretending to be a girl,’ or the way that she said it, but it was a fair question and one which was difficult for me to answer truthfully.

‘Yes and no. She knows about my job and what it entails but she doesn’t know how far I’ve taken things recently or how important it has become to me. But you are not to go blaming Aunt Emma for what has happened, or Carol for that matter. Everything about my job and my life has been my own doing. Aunt Emm wanted to tell you what was going on before now, but I begged her not to do so.’

‘But I don’t understand. Why were you so frightened of telling me the truth about what you were doing?’ said Mum looking into my eyes.

(I was glad that Maria had done my hair and makeup for me that morning.)

‘Because I thought that you might try to stop me from taking the job and doing something that was so important to me,’ I replied quietly.

Mum didn’t respond, realising that what I’d just said was almost certainly true; she would have tried to stop me. I was ready for her to come back with some other comment or objection in response but instead there was an awkward silence between us. Mum just looked sad and weary, as if there were no fight left in her. I felt as if I’d gotten over the main obstacle of breaking the news to her but wasn’t going to make much more progress on that day in getting her to understand or accept my decision. I took her hand in a gesture of sympathy.

‘You must be feeling jet-lagged after your two long flights. Why don’t we now find the others and get you installed on board the ship? There’ll be plenty of time for us to talk over the next few days.’

She stared at my manicured and polished nails. I’d no idea what thoughts might be going through her head.

‘Yes please,’ she answered, at last.

‘But please remember that it has to be Ally from now onwards, especially when we are on board. That is very important to me.’

She sighed.

‘Very well.’

I sent a text message to Carol to ask where they were, and suggested that we all should meet by the taxi rank at the entrance to the terminal. They were waiting for us in the queue as we arrived, both looking slightly anxious. I’d forgotten that Aunt Emma hadn’t seen me since I’d dyed my hair, had my eyelashes extended and a complete makeover by Maria. She looked almost as surprised by my appearance as Mum had done. However, the last thing I wanted was to get into any further discussion or explanation on this topic.

‘Hi Aunt Emm, it’s so nice to see you again,’ I said giving her a kiss. ‘Mum’s feeling the after-effects of her two journeys and so I’ve suggest we get you back to the ship, and checked in for the cruise. Maybe we can discuss things in more detail tomorrow.’

They seemed to get my message as to what topics of conversation might be suitable whilst we waited for a taxi and during the half hour journey to the ship. I did my best to keep up a stream of light conversation asking the visitors about their flights and other details of their journeys. I commented on the weather. I explained that the Bunnies were scheduled to give a performance in the theatre that evening and a Bunny Hop the following morning; I even pointed out various sights along the way. In fact I was happy to discuss anything other than the elephant which had joined us in the taxi cab. Carol did her best to support me. Mum, in particular, and to a lesser extent, Aunt Emm, appeared to be in a state of shock and on occasions we had to repeat our questions to them.

Eventually we arrived at the quayside and I paid off the cab. Carol went off to organise some porters to come and collect the suitcases ready for delivery to their cabins, whilst I conducted Mum, my aunt and the elephant to the check-in desk for the new arrivals that was situated in a temporary building on the quayside.

‘Hello Ally, what can I do for you?’ asked Helen, one of the girls from the office to whom I chatted from time to time as she was a member of our choir.

‘Hi Helen. This lady is my mother and her companion is my aunt - Carol’s mother. They’ll be joining the cruise and have come to check-in.’

‘Welcome ladies to The Fair Maid of Southampton; may I have your confirmation email and your passports please,’ she said with a smile.

As Helen entered Mum’s details on to the computer she attempted to make conversation.

‘Your daughter and her boyfriend have been trying to teach a number of the staff to sing but they have had to struggle,’ she said with a smile.

I noticed Mum flinch, momentarily, especially at the words ‘daughter’ and ‘boyfriend’.

‘I didn’t know that,’ responded Mum in a rather neutral voice; ‘but Ally doesn’t always tell me everything she’s been doing.’

’At least she hasn’t denied having a daughter, and has even referred to me as Ally,’ I thought to myself.

Helen asked for Mum’s credit card details and for her to sign a blank slip to cover her charges at the bar and for other services on board.

‘You are in cabin 833 Mrs Fletcher, on the port side of the ship,’ she said handing back Mum’s passport and other documents. ‘I’m sure your daughter will be able to show you where to go.’

Mum responded with a weak smile

‘You’re lucky to have such a talented and attractive daughter as Ally.’

‘So it would seem,’ said Mum.

By this time Carol had re-joined us and she waited with Aunt Emm whilst Helen recorded her details. I took Mum over to the scanner and helped her put her hand luggage and handbag on to the belt.

‘They’re not really worried about the possibility of your bringing firearms or explosives, on to the ship,’ I observed. ‘The main thing that bothers them is that you might be bringing alcohol on board and so won’t have to pay the outrageous prices they charge.’

Mum turned towards me, having regained a little of her fighting spirit.

‘It appears that I’ve no choice but to accept Ally whilst we’re on board ship, but you and I are going to need to have a very long talk about your future, young m…, young lady,’ she said, just out of earshot of anyone else.

‘Yes, of course,’ I said as the elephant walked off slowly into the sunset. ‘I would guess that you’re feeling too tired to come to our performance tonight, but Carol, Beth and I will be giving a session for kids tomorrow morning and afterwards I’ll have some time to spare for a talk if you wish.’

‘Alright then,’ she replied.

As soon as Aunt Emma had checked-in and had her hand luggage scanned, we conducted the new arrivals to their shared cabin on the eighth deck. Their main luggage was already waiting for them when we arrived.

‘We’ll have to leave you now as we have to get something to eat and then get ready for the show tonight,’ said Carol. ‘Have a good rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.’

Inevitably everyone who knew about Ally was anxious to know the details of how I’d got on meeting my mother, but it was never sensible to talk about my gender ‘issues’ in the staff canteen, just in case anyone should overhear. The one place where it was normally safe to discuss such matters was in our dressing room. Thus the three Bunnies and Maria had a brief conversation as we were getting ourselves ready.

‘So how did the meeting with your mother go this afternoon, Ally?’ asked Beth.

‘It’s difficult to say. I was all fired up ready to have another row with her at the airport, but she just kind of crumpled.’

‘What do you mean by ‘crumpled’?’ she asked.

‘There were no accusations, no threats or other histrionics. She even called me ‘Ally’ as we checked in to the ship and acknowledged me as her daughter in front of Helen. I suspect that Mum has been in something of a daze ever since she arrived so I doubt whether she is going to ‘out’ me in public on board but that does not mean she won’t want to give me her detailed opinion about how I’ve let everyone in the family down and am ruining my life, as soon as she’s had a chance to sleep on the matter.’

‘Do not be too hard on you mother, Ally. It is probable that she is in a state of shock and will need a little time to get used to the idea of having a daughter,’ said Maria. ‘Maybe things will be easier for you both tomorrow.’

‘I may have won a partial victory today but I’m acutely aware that I’ve some way to go before the war is won,’ I said.

Yet I had absolutely no doubts about the final outcome, for me at least. After all I’d already started my hormone therapy. It was more a question of whether I’d be able to take Mum and Dad along with me in my journey.

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Chapter 22 The Inevitable Outcome

I was pleased when I noticed that Mum and Aunt Emma had joined the little group of onlookers to our Bunny Hop session the morning after we’d left Venice. I was content to be seen by Mum to be doing something useful, which was clearly enjoyed by the kids involved. I was also happy that I was dressed fairly conservatively in a black dress, although as usual, I was wearing makeup and with my hair now flowing freely once again. Once we’d finished the session Carol and Beth went to speak to Aunt Emm whilst I approached Mum.

‘Hi, Mum,’ I said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, ‘are you feeling better this morning?’

I wanted to be friendly and caring towards her: to make it clear from the outset that Ally was a different person from Alex, and there might be some benefits to her having a daughter rather than a son.

‘Yes I slept well last night, thank you, in spite of everything,’ she said.

I tried not to rise to the bait.

‘By everything, I suppose you’re referring to me,’ I answered with a smile.

She didn’t respond directly.

‘Do you always wear makeup when you’re not performing?’ she asked.

‘Well didn’t you do so, when you were my age?’

She didn’t respond but I could see what she was thinking. If we weren’t careful, we’d soon be shouting at one another once again.

‘Let’s not start rowing again, you’re here to enjoy yourself,’ I offered.

‘I was wondering when and where we might have a talk, in private.’

‘I’m due to meet up for a choir practice now and after lunch I’ve promised to give the girl that I share a cabin with an English lesson. Why don’t you come along to our performance this afternoon at three o’clock in the Small Music Room. After that I’ll be free for a couple of hours before I need to get ready for our evening show. We could talk privately in our dressing room as soon as Carol and Beth have changed.’

‘Alright then.’

‘In the meanwhile, why don’t you and Aunt Emm relax and enjoy the ship; you are on holiday, after all.’

I checked with Beth and Carol that it would be alright for Mum and I to have our discussion in the dressing room after our afternoon performance. They both promised to get changed quickly and take my Aunt away for a while, leaving the two of us alone. We had previously arranged to wear the little black dresses with sequinned bodices for this show. These were the ones that the previous incarnation of the Bunnies had bought for themselves. They were prettier and more sparkly than anything Mum had seen me wear up to then, and came with strappy high-heeled sandals. I didn’t think she would approve but there was nothing I could do about that. She now knew about the Bunnies and there was plenty of material on the various social media showing me wearing much worse.

‘Is everything alright with you, Ally,’ asked George as we were setting up for our afternoon performance, that day.

‘I hope so but maybe you’d better ask me that question at the same time tomorrow, for the definitive answer,’ I replied as I noticed that my mother and my aunt had taken their seats in the audience.

George quickly checked that everyone was ready before he ran his finger across the length of the keyboard creating an opening effect. James then began playing the opening chords of a Cyndi Lauper number which I’d asked to include in today’s programme as I knew it was one of my mother’s favourites from when she was my age, just as it had been revived by Miley Cyrus for my generation. I came in as the lead singer.

‘I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones.
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’

I exchanged a broad grin with George as Beth and Carol then came in with a re-iteration of the chorus.

‘And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’

Now that George and I were on good terms again the Bucks and the Bunnies seemed to be on top form with a number of new titles and arrangements in our repertoire.

‘At least both mothers have had a chance to see us perform at our best,’ commented Carol to me at one point.

‘It would be nice if they would come along to one of our evening shows or perhaps our weekly performance in the theatre when we could really show what we’re capable of,’ I replied.

‘Well they’ll have plenty of opportunity to do so over the next week.’

Once we’d completed our afternoon session I was approached by a couple of the keenest teenage girls from that morning’s Bunny Hop who wanted to chat with me about their ambitions to become singers. This was a little awkward for me but I liked to encourage our young fans whenever possible and Mum and Aunt Emma seemed happy enough to wait. In the end, the only way I was able to excuse myself was by promising that if they came along to the next Bunny Hop, I’d be happy to accompany them whilst they performed. Whilst this was happening Beth and Carol quickly got themselves changed, as promised, and had returned by the time I was free.

‘Mum, would you like to join Beth and me for a walk around the sun decks?’ asked Carol.

‘Yes, I should like that,’ she replied, getting up.

We all five of us realised why the invitation had been restricted to Aunt Emma. As soon as they were gone I turned to my mother and smiled.

‘I’m going to have to change out of my costume, but I won’t take long if you want to come with me to our dressing room. We should be able to have a private conversation there without being overheard or interrupted.’

Mum nodded and followed me to the dressing room and took a seat. I could feel her watching me closely as I kicked off my high-heeled sandals and slipped out of my dress; but I was determined that I wasn’t going to feel embarrassed about changing in front of her.

‘What has happened to your penis?’ she asked suddenly, noticing the absence of any bulge under my knickers.

It sounded more like an accusation than a question.

‘Don’t worry, it’s tucked neatly away, out of sight. I’ve become quite an expert at hiding it,’ I replied in a matter-of-fact way.

She didn’t respond.

‘So what did you think of the Honey Bunnies?’ I asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere as I put my stage costume onto a hanger and stowed it away in the wardrobe.

At the same time I took out the blue dress that Maria had given to me, which I’d chosen to wear for this afternoon as I knew that Mum would consider it to be smart.

‘You were good; all three of you,’ Mum responded. Then, after a momentary hesitation, she added, ‘but especially you.’

We were doing our best to be polite to one another - at least to begin with.

‘Thank you,’ I responded with a smile.

‘I’d no idea that you could sing like that.’

‘I used to practice at home when you were both out at work, as I didn’t think you’d approve.’ I admitted.

‘Did you sometimes put on my dresses?’ she asked, as if she’d suddenly come to a realisation.

‘I did my best not to get them dirty, and put them back where I’d found them’ I admitted, blushing.

She sighed.

‘I thought it was the maid who’d moved them,’ she said quietly.

‘Maybe if you’d spent less time socialising with your friends and more time with your family, you would have realised.’ I thought, but didn’t say so.

All the expats in Bahrain tended to socialise, especially the wives, as there was not much else for them to do. I stepped into the blue dress and pulled it up over my shoulders and fixed the hook and eye at the top.

‘Please would you zip me up at the back, Mum.’ I asked.

She did so. I put on a pair of smart looking court shoes and quickly ran a brush through my hair.

‘So you’re not wearing a wig,’ she commented.

‘No, they’re bonded hair extensions that will stay in place for the whole summer.’

‘And your eyelashes?’ she asked.

‘They’re glued on and will remain so for as long as the natural lashes last.’

Mum gave a disapproving sigh; but she was going to have to do better than that if she really wanted to make me feel bad about myself!

‘The gel nail tips can stay for as long as I wish,’ I said holding out one hand for her to see.

Unfortunately I’d removed the cute nail art bunnies the night before meeting her at the airport, but my nails were nicely manicured and polished, all the same.

‘I’d already noticed them,’ she said, coolly.

She didn’t seem to be in a hurry to begin our discussion and I was determined that I wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty about how I was dressed so I found a lipstick and began to touch up my lips.

‘Where did you learn to use makeup?’ she asked.

I refrained from saying that Carol had taught me as I didn't want to get her in more trouble with Mum.

‘I taught myself the basics from You Tube but my friend Maria has been showing me how to do things properly.’

She looked on without saying anything. At last I felt that I couldn’t put off our discussion any further and so I turned to face her.

‘OK, Mum, I’m all set,’ I said with a smile. ‘What did you want to talk about?’

It was an unnecessary question but did serve to focus our discussion and she seemed willing to start things off in a reasonably civilised manner.

‘I suppose I should tell you that you look nice dressed as a girl,’ she began.

‘I suppose I should thank you for that grudging compliment,’ I replied with a trace of sarcasm.

‘Here we go,’ I thought to myself, but Mum rather smiled at my response.

‘Alright then, you do look most attractive and convincing as a girl.’

‘Thank you,’ I said, acknowledging the compliment. 'Nobody ever commented about how I looked as a guy.'

‘And I do like that dress.’

‘I thought that you would; it was given to me by Maria, the girl that I share a cabin with.’

‘Does she know about Alex?’

‘Yes, of course; she’s been teaching me how to look my best as Ally. She fixed the hair and nail extensions for me.’

‘I’m not sure that I approve of your friends and your cousin encouraging you to live as a girl.’

‘Nobody has encouraged me to do anything against my will or against my better judgment,' I replied.

She decided to change the subject.

‘What about this so-called ‘boyfriend’ mentioned by that woman when I signed in yesterday?’

‘She was referring to George, the keyboard player in our band. We’ve been working together on a couple of musical projects. We get on well together but it isn’t as if we’re “an item” or anything like that,’ I responded, not entirely accurately, but I wasn’t sure how to describe the status of our relationship.

‘Does he know?’ asked Mum.

‘Know what?’ I responded, playing dumb.

‘About Alex.’

‘Of course he knows. Everyone that I live and work closely with knows about Alex, but nobody else on the ship does. That’s why it’s so important to us to keep his existence a secret. If it were to become common knowledge we’d all probably lose our jobs.’

‘So are you gay?’

This was the first time either of my parents had discussed my sexuality with me although apparently they’d had their anxieties on this matter ever since I told them that I wanted to be a girl.’

‘I don’t know; I don’t feel gay,’ I replied.

I wanted to add, ‘I just feel like a normal woman,’ but thought better of it.

‘George and I are just good friends although I enjoy the kudos that comes with having a boyfriend on board,’ I replied with a self-satisfied smile.

Mum didn’t seem to approve of the idea.

‘Normal young men don’t go around dressing and acting as if they were women.’

I knew this was coming.

‘I’ve never felt like a normal young man.’ I replied.

She didn’t respond but rather hesitated, as if in thought.

‘I do wonder when and where it will end, though.’

I wasn’t clear whether she was referring to the ‘Honey Bunnies’ or to ‘Ally’ by that comment? For the moment it suited me to assume it was the former.

‘We’ve signed up for five cruises, which will take us until mid-September. Carol and Beth will then have to return to their University courses.’

‘And what about you?’ she asked.

‘I’ll have to look for another job,’ I replied.

I needed to give her something, though.

‘You’ll be pleased to know that I intend to apply for a university place for the academic year 2015/6.’

This was the news that she’d been most anxious to hear.

‘I’m relieved to know that you intend to continue with your education, but why not start in September of this year?’

‘I’ve left things late to apply for this year and probably wouldn’t get into a course of my choice. In any event I'll need a year out of education to sort myself out.’

I didn’t specify exactly why I might need a year to sort myself out, assuming that she would ask, but she didn’t.

‘What subject will you apply for?’ she asked instead.

‘I’ve always been fairly good with languages and have recently discovered an interest in linguistics which I’d like to pursue at university. In the nine weeks that I’ve been working as a girl, I’ve noticed that my own use of language has changed, and the way that people talk to me is different. I’ve also been helping my friend Maria to learn English which has given me an interest in the way that different languages are structured.’

‘What kind of career would that equip you for?’

‘I’d quite like to spend some time overseas teaching English as a foreign language, but I’d need a teaching qualification once I’ve completed my degree.’

‘Would you have good enough grades to gain entry to a linguistics course?’ she asked.

‘I believe so.’

‘Are you planning to apply to either Oxford or Cambridge?’

I knew that this was her principal ambition for me so she would once again have ‘bragging rights’ among her ex-pat friends in Bahrain.

‘I expect so, as long as one of them would be willing to accept me as Ally.’

‘You mean you want to go to University dressed as a girl!’ she asked looking both surprised and perturbed.

Maybe she wouldn’t be able to have bragging rights after all. She’d clearly assumed that Ally was just a temporary aberration, a summer indiscretion that would soon be hushed-up and never spoken of again.

‘I wouldn’t just go to university ‘dressed as a girl’, as you say. Most of them have policies for dealing with transgendered students undergoing transition. I’ll have to apply in Alex’s name but I intend to make it clear at the outset that I’ll be living in the female gender throughout my course and wish to graduate as Alexandra.’

‘And then what?’ she asked in a horrified voice.

‘I’ll aim to get a teaching qualification, look for a job, and live the remainder of my life …. as a woman.’

‘You are suggesting that you want to spend the rest of your life pretending to be a girl?’ she said as if she couldn’t quite believe her ears.

I hated that word - ‘pretending’ - which I found to be insulting.

‘Once I’ve been living as a woman full-time for two years I’ll be able to apply to change my name and legal status.’

Mum didn’t seem to be very impressed by this news.

‘Don’t you think that you ought to take a little more time to consider the potential implications of such a drastic step?’

‘It’s nearly ten weeks since I first dressed as Ally and I’ve never before felt so positive about my life. I’m certain that it is the right decision for me.’

‘Ten weeks is no time at all to be making decisions that will impact on the rest of your life.’

‘I don’t envisage doing anything about it until mid-September,’ I lied, not now thinking it the right time to mention the hormones.

‘But that’s only a few weeks away.’

‘Mum, I’ve been dreaming about this for more than ten years, although I’ve only recently realised that it might be possible for me to do!’

‘But you are only just eighteen.’

‘Eighteen is old enough to know what is right for me. I’ve been reading about far younger people than me being allowed to transition whilst they were still at school when it would have been so much easier to do so. I tried to explain to you and Dad how I felt when I was nine, but you didn’t listen to me.’

‘It wasn’t that we didn’t listen but we thought that it was a passing phase and that you’d eventually grow out of it.’

‘You were wrong. Other parents listened more carefully and took the trouble to find out more about what their children might be going through.’

This observation clearly upset her.

‘You didn’t say anything after that one time.’

‘That was because I trusted you. I thought that one day I’d wake up as a normal young man and forget all about these feelings; only it never happened. I assumed it must be my fault, that there must be something wrong with me.’

‘But you never said you were unhappy and you always did well at school.’

‘Mum, I was desperately unhappy. I worked hard at school to take my mind off the fact that I’d no friends and my parents didn’t want to take the trouble to understand how I was feeling. I wanted you to be proud of me.’

Mum was becoming annoyed.

‘I don’t see that pretending to be a girl is going to help you or make us proud of you.’

Now it was my turn to get angry.

‘It’s not pretending! It is being able to live the life that I should have done. Now I’m eighteen, you can’t stop me from doing so.’

‘What about us, don’t you think that your father and I deserve some consideration? How do you think we’ll feel about having a son who lives as a woman?’

Now we were getting to the crux of the matter.

‘So you want me to ruin the rest of my life, to lose any chance of future happiness, merely to save you from embarrassment?’ I said with a mixture of amazement and resentment.

She was about to say something in response, but stopped herself. Neither of us said anything for a while, but after ten seconds or so she began again.

‘Alright Alex, I won’t say anything more about this whilst we’re on board the ship together, but you shouldn’t expect any financial support from your father and me if you continue with this foolishness.’

‘I’ve asked you not to refer to me as Alex,’ I replied coolly.

She didn’t respond.

‘Well of course that will be up to you to decide,’ I continued. ‘I should be able to apply for a student loan and get a job whilst I’m at college to support myself. However, if it comes to the choice of living my life as I wish to do, or continuing with my education, then I know which one I will choose; even if that does mean losing contact with my parents.’

I’d been feeling more emotional about my situation recently and knew that if I stayed any longer I was going to burst into tears.

‘Mum, this conversation is getting us nowhere. I have things I need to do,’ I said and left making for my cabin, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to follow me there.

‘Alex!’ she called out as I left the room, but I ignored her, promising myself that I’d never again acknowledge that name.

I might have won the first skirmish with Mum yesterday, but had had to make a tactical retreat today.

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Chapter 23 The Final Reveal

‘You didn’t turn up for dinner, Ally,’ said Beth to me as we were getting ourselves ready for our evening show.

‘I know; I didn’t feel particularly hungry,’ I replied.

‘So the meeting with your Mum didn’t go too well, this afternoon,’ commented Carol.

‘We started off on quite good terms but, as usual, we ended up by having a row. She made it clear that she would be deeply embarrassed by the prospect of telling her friends that she now has a daughter rather than a son. She thinks that it’s all just a passing phase on my part and that I haven’t given the matter enough thought, which is her shorthand for my not doing what she wants me to.’

‘I get the impression that you have given the matter a lot of thought,’ said Carol.

‘As if ten years, or more, isn’t enough time for me to know my own mind!’ I said bitterly

‘Did you tell her about the hormones?’ Beth asked.

‘No, not yet,’ I replied, guiltily. ‘I intended to do so but decided it would have created even more of an upset. At least I’ve made it clear to her that Alex won’t be coming back.’

‘How did she react to that information?’

‘She has threatened to turn my picture to the wall and to cut me off without a penny, but I made it clear that such threats aren’t going to alter my decision.’

‘How about Uncle Jim?’ asked Carol.

‘I don’t think that she has said anything to my dad, as yet, just in case I can be brought to my senses. She’ll probably wait until she gets back to Bahrain before informing him that he no longer has a son. But in many ways he’ll be less of a problem than she is as he tends to be guided by whatever she thinks in domestic matters.’

‘Life is going to be a lot harder for you without their support,’ observed Beth.

‘I know, but if they were to prevent me from living my life as I need to do, then I would end up hating them both, and I don’t want to do that. So maybe it is just as well if they do disown me.’

’Don’t be too hard on your mother; after all it must be quite a lot for her to take in at one time,’ continued Carol. ‘Give her a day or two to get more used to the idea and then have another talk with her.’

‘Well she’s only with us on board for another nine days so I hope she doesn’t take too long about it.’

‘So you’re not expecting your mother to come to tonight’s performance,’ said Beth.

‘No, I think she has probably had enough of what she describes as “this foolishness” for one day.’

I was right; Mum didn’t turn up to see us perform that evening although Aunt Emma did so. She came up to the stage after the show.

‘I must say, the Honey Bunnies have come a long way since I last saw the three of you perform in Portsmouth,’ she said with a smile.

‘What do you think of our Bunny outfits?’ asked Beth.

‘A little revealing’ said Aunt Emm looking pointedly at the very short skirts, ‘but also quite glamorous.’

‘It’s probably just as well the Mum didn’t come tonight. I don’t think they would go down too well with her at the moment,’ I said.

‘I guess not,’ my aunt replied. ‘Ally, we’ve not really had much chance to talk together over the last few weeks, maybe you and I could do so now.’

‘Can you give me fifteen minutes to get myself changed and then we can go for a walk together on one of the upper decks,’ I suggested.

‘Yes, of course, I think it would be sensible for you to put on some slightly more normal looking clothes.’

I always enjoyed walking out on the upper decks during the warm nights whilst we were at sea. It was a place where you could clear your mind or have a quiet conversation away from the noise and the clamour on the rest of the ship.

‘So how are things between you and Mum?’ I asked as my Aunt and I stood looking out at the star-filled sky over the Ionian Sea.

She sighed and shook her head.

‘Not so good at present; just as I feared. She blames me for not keeping her informed as to what was happening.’

‘So she could have put a stop to it?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘But that isn’t fair; it was nothing to do with you, and in any event, I asked you not to say anything to her.’

‘Oh don’t worry she blames you as well; more so than me. She feels that we’ve both sprung the news on to her and put her in an awkward position where she’s trapped on board and cannot make a fuss about what you are doing in case it causes other people to lose their jobs.’

‘I suppose she’s right, I should have said something to them both but it wasn’t until the second voyage after Maria’s makeover that I truly realised how important Ally had become to my future happiness and that there could be no going back for me.’

My aunt nodded.

‘I began to suspect you might have gender identity ‘issues’ on the first occasion that I saw you dressed as Ally; you seemed to be so comfortable dressed as a girl. My suspicions were reinforced a few days later when I saw you perform as one of the Bunnies, and soon afterwards there was your job offer. However, I didn’t realise how serious things had become over the last few weeks.’

‘I asked Carol not to say too much to you until I better understood what was going on. That’s why I didn’t come back to Waterlooville after our last voyage. I knew that you would want to ask me some awkward questions and I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I couldn’t answer them truthfully.’

‘I now realise that. Also I understand from Carol that you’ve disposed of all of Alex’s clothes.’

‘Yes, as I said, there can be no going back for me now. In fact I’ve also started to take female hormones.’

‘When?’ asked my Aunt in a shocked voice.

‘Last week, I saw a doctor in Barcelona. It was the day that we spoke on the phone to say that you and Mum would be joining the cruise. I’ve taken them every day since then, and intend to continue to do so.’

'What will they do to you?'

'They will gradually make me look and feel more like a woman.

‘How long will it be before they start to take an effect?’

‘I think they’re already starting to have an effect on my emotions but it’ll be several months before it is noticeable to anyone else.’

‘Does your mother know?’

I looked down guiltily.

‘No, I was planning to tell her earlier this afternoon but then changed my mind as I thought she might totally freak out.’

‘That may well be so. When are you now planning to tell her.’

‘I suppose I’ll have to write to them both after she has returned from the cruise.’

‘I just hope you have thought carefully about the implications of what you are doing.’

‘I’ll be taking them under medical supervision.’

My aunt didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer.

‘Aunt Emma, this isn’t a sudden thing in my life. I’ve been building up to this decision since I was a young child. I honestly tried to explain to Mum and Dad many years ago but they wouldn’t take me seriously. They assumed that a child couldn’t possibly know what was right for them.’

Despite a concerted effort on my part to stop them, tears now came to my eyes as I recalled those conversations with my parents.

‘Now at the age of eighteen I’ve realised that I’m at last free to make my own decisions. Joining the Bunnies has been a wonderful opportunity for me to discover who I really am.’

‘That may be so, but things would be a lot easier for you and for everybody else if you can take your parents along with you.’

‘I know that. I’d truly love to be accepted by them as Ally but I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my future happiness and sanity just to be the son that they always wanted,’

‘I can see that.’

‘So what do you think I should do?’

‘You must realise that she‘s going to need some time to come round and then bring your father round as well. I know that to you it may seem like a wonderful new beginning to your life, and you can’t wait to make progress, but to her it must seem as if she’s losing her son.’

‘I’m afraid that she’s already lost her son but it could be an opportunity for her to gain a daughter, if only she’s willing to take it.’

‘I can see that, but maybe she can’t, at the moment. Perhaps you could write her some kind of letter of apology,’ my Aunt suggested.

‘But I don’t feel that I need to apologise for wanting to be who I am. I didn't choose to be this way. If anyone should apologise, it should be them, to me.’

‘Perhaps apology is the wrong word, but maybe you could write a note of explanation for what has happened to you without assigning any blame. Then give her a few days to digest it and come round.’

‘Should I tell her about the hormones?’

‘I think from now onwards you should be totally honest with her and the sooner the better. I can’t think of a better way of convincing her that you are truly in earnest. She may well freak out when she discovers what you’ve been doing, but I’ll be there to help her through the crisis. She’ll be angry with me for not telling her before now, but I can honestly say that I knew nothing about the hormones.

‘Nor did Carol, I told nobody in the family until afterwards.

‘I hope that she’ll still listen to what I say and I’ll do my utmost to make sure that she doesn’t do anything which might cost you or the others your jobs.’

‘Alright, I’ll do my best, and thanks for all your help, Aunt Emma.’

‘Well, good luck, Ally. Whatever happens with your parents, I’ll always be happy to have you as my niece.’

I smiled and began to dry my eyes. My aunt and I went our separate ways to different parts of the ship.

‘Those hormones really are beginning to impact on my emotional state, I thought to myself, but it was the physical changes that I was longing for.

The morning after my conversations with Mum and my aunt, the ship was due to call at Corfu as the first port of call on our return journey. George had previously asked if I would like to come ashore with him for a few hours, but I’d excused myself just in case Mum had relented and wanted me to go ashore with her. Once it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen, I decided to spend my free hours in my cabin with my laptop. I took the autobiography that I’d compiled for Dr Martinez and adapted into a version aimed at my parents. The new account was somewhat longer and attempted to explain what had been going on in my head regarding my gender identity, for as long as I could remember. In doing so I recalled several incidents and feelings from my childhood and through my early teens, when I should have said something to them, but I'd kept quiet instead. I recalled the painful occasion, as a nine year old, when I did eventually pluck up courage to try to explain, only to have all my feelings and concerns dismissed as a passing childish fantasy. Eventually, when I was satisfied with the new account I printed out a copy using Maria’s printer. I also printed out a couple of useful documents giving advice to the parents of transgendered teenagers and on the likely impacts of HRT, which I’d discovered on the internet, and attached them to the document, hoping that, if she didn’t believe me, she might do someone else with more experience.

In an accompanying handwritten letter addressed to both my parents I explained that I felt that I could no longer continue life as a young man and so had consulted a doctor in Spain and had begun hormone replacement therapy to assist with my transition to full-time life as a woman. I didn’t go into any further detail as I felt the less they knew about the mechanics of the process and how I funded my treatment the better. I said that this was entirely my own decision taken without the knowledge of, or consultation with, my Aunt or my cousin. I expressed regret that, for a variety of reasons, I hadn’t felt able to discuss my plans with them or to keep them informed of my decisions before this time but considered this to be essential for my long term mental health and physical well-being. I didn’t assign blame, nor offer any apology; I merely portrayed the situation as I saw it. I ended by saying that I truly hoped that they would be able to accept me in my new identity, whilst making it clear that reversion to the ‘status quo ante’ was not an option for me. I signed the note, ‘your loving daughter, Alexandra.’ I sealed everything in a large envelope, addressed it to Mum and arranged for it to be delivered to her cabin. It would be there to await her as soon as she returned from her shore excursion. Once she had opened it and read the contents there would be nothing left for her to discover and I would have to face the implications of all my decisions.

Neither Mum nor Aunt Emma turned up to see our evening show, which was probably just as well as I was not performing at my best. I kept having visions about the drama that was no doubt unfolding in their cabin with accusations made against myself and Aunt Emma and urgent telephone calls made or emails sent to summon my father from Bahrain.

During the Bunny Hop the following morning I was able to keep my promise to our two young fans by accompanying them on the keyboard whilst they performed their party piece. They weren’t at all bad and we all offered them our congratulations. Like so many girl singers, I doubted whether they would be able to make it to the big time, but like me and the other Bunnies they would have happy memories to brighten their future lives.

After the session Carol wanted to speak with me.

‘Mum wants to have a quick word with you but doesn’t want your mother to know that she is doing so. I’ve borrowed the key to the lads’ dressing room since they won’t be using it this morning. Would you go and wait for her; she’ll join you as soon as the coast is clear.’

‘That sounds a bit ominous,’ I said taking the key from her.

Carol gave me a sympathetic smile, but didn’t respond, so I assumed that I was right. Ten minutes later my aunt joined me for our secret rendezvous.

‘How did things go with Mum?’ I asked.

‘Not good, I’m afraid. We had a good time together ashore at Corfu and she forgot about her troubles but then she came back and found your package. I’ve been awake half the night trying to calm her down.’

‘I did my best to break it to her gently and to provide her with background reading.’

‘I know but she doesn’t see it that way. As far as she’s concerned you’ve sprung the news on to her when she was on her own without your Dad being present.’

‘But can’t she see that it’s my life; I have to do what is right for me.’

‘Of course she can; that’s part of the trouble; she realises that in the last resort there’s nothing she or anyone else can do to stop you.’

‘So what is she doing now?’

‘At the moment she’s busy emailing your father and telling him to leave whatever he’s doing and come over and meet the ship when it docks at Southampton next week.’

‘I thought as much but that isn’t going to make any difference to me. I’ve now started my transition and will continue taking the hormones for as long as necessary to achieve my object. I want to be on good terms with my family, continue my education and get a steady and worthwhile job, but if I have to sacrifice all those things in order to become the woman I feel myself to be, then so be it.’

‘I don’t think you’ll need to go selling your body on Southampton Docks quite just yet, but you must realise it’s going to take time for your parents to come round.’

‘So what should I do now?’ I asked.

‘I suggest that you should both keep out of one another’s way, at least for the remainder of the voyage. She won’t want to come and see you perform, and it might be as well for you to avoid the public areas at other times.’

‘I’ll do my best but it won’t always be possible. I do have other duties on board than just performing.’

‘I know and I’ll endeavour to keep the two you apart, just in case there should be a row in public.’

‘Thanks for all your help.’

‘I know just how upsetting it can be when families fall out with one another. Your cousin Susan still blames me for breaking up with your Uncle, that’s why she left us to join him a few months ago. I suspect that in time though she’ll learn the truth, that neither of us was entirely to blame.’

She then looked at her watch.

‘I’d better go now before your mother begins to wonder where I am, but I’ll keep you informed how things are progressing through Carol.’

I wasn’t really surprised by the way things had worked out with Mum but nevertheless felt quite depressed by her reaction. I never doubted for one moment, though, the rightness of what I was doing, with or without the support of my parents. I therefore went to find George to ask him to have a coffee and a chat with me as I felt I’d been neglecting him ever since my mother’s arrival.

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Chapter 24 Barcelona! – Like a Jewel in the sun

Over the next few days I saw nothing of either Mum or Aunt Emma on board, due largely to the fact that all concerned were seeking to avoid one another in the hopes that things might cool down. I did, however, learn from my aunt (via Carol) that my father had emailed my mother back to say that he was in the midst of an important project at work and couldn’t just drop everything and fly to the UK. Apparently he didn’t say anything about my news other than that he trusted my mother’s judgement where I was concerned and would support her in whatever she decided to do. That was fairly typical of him - to seek to avoid any family situation or confrontation where feelings and emotions might become involved. On this occasion, though, it was to my advantage as it was now just a question of getting my mother to see reason. The absence of any other message from my aunt over the next few days was a confirmation that this might be easier said than done.

Monte Carlo was our next port of call after Corfu where most of the passengers went ashore to look round the town or visit the famous casino. However, most of the entertainment staff had been given additional duties on this occasion so we would only have been able to go ashore for a couple of hours, at most. In return, though, we were assured that the Bucks and the Bunnies would be given a full-day off when we reached Barcelona. This new arrangement suited me as I’d no particular wish or resources to visit any casino and didn’t want to come face-to-face with my mother in public, if I could avoid it. George and I also used the opportunity for an additional choir practice as we felt that everyone was doing well.’

‘Do you think they’re now good enough to perform in public?’ I asked George after we finished our rehearsal.

‘I think so. Maybe we could include a fifteen minute slot for them in the show on the last night of the cruise, he replied.

‘Could we use the performance as an excuse to collect any unwanted Euros or other currencies from the audience for a charity helping the Ebola crisis?’

‘I don’t see why not but we’d have to clear it with Frank Johnson first. Tom is planning to phone him on another matter when we get to Barcelona. I’ll ask him to make sure there would be no problem as far as he’s concerned.’

‘Thanks.’

‘There will be a midnight sailing when we leave Barcelona so we won’t be required to do an evening show that night. We’ll have a full day and the evening free so I wondered if you have any plans for the day, Ally?’’

‘It doesn’t now look as if my mother is particularly anxious to spend any time with me, so the answer is no. Maria did say something about a Magic Fountain which operates in the evenings after sunset, but I’m not sure that I’d want to walk back from there on my own in the dark.’

‘What’s that?’ he asked.

‘It’s called the ‘Font Magica and is some kind of water show with coloured lights and music, at the base of Montjuic Hill. Apparently it only operates at, or soon after, sunset but it’s only a kilometre away from the ship. There would be plenty of time to get back in time for the sailing, if you’re interested in taking me?’

‘Yes I’d love to,’ he replied enthusiastically. ‘I went to the top of Montjuic with the others when we visited the Olympic Stadium in May; there are some nice gardens and great views of the city from up there. There’s also a museum dedicated to the painter Joan Miró but the others aren’t too bothered about the visual arts so we didn’t visit. I don’t suppose you'd be interested in spending some time there during the afternoon and then having dinner with me before we go on to look at the magic fountain?’

‘It’s a deal,’ I replied, smiling. ‘I don’t know much about Miró, so you’ll have to explain his paintings to me.’

Maria’s suggestion of a visit to the Font Magica light show also went down well with the remaining Bucks and the Bunnies, especially as it was free of charge. Carol, Beth and their respective boyfriends, and the two other Bucks had all made different plans for the day but we agreed to meet up at the entrance to the Espanya metro station at quarter to nine and make our way there together. Even Maria, who was now regarded by everyone as an honorary Bunny, expressed a wish to come along even though she had seen the spectacle many times before.

The morning after we left Monte Carlo I had to remove my breast forms for a while as my own breasts were beginning to feel quite tender underneath. I examined myself in the mirror and noticed the areola around the nipples had grown darker and there was a tiny lump underneath my left breast, but no trace of anything under the right hand one. I’d been warned that it would be months rather than weeks before my breasts began to grow to any noticeable extent.

‘Maria, when your breasts began growing, did they do so together?’ I asked anxiously.

She smiled.

‘In my case yes, but I had a friend with one breast growing much larger than the other. Do not worry, it is quite natural and in the end they will be equal. I am afraid that they will feel uncomfortable sometimes and perhaps even a little bit painful. Also you will find that they do not grow evenly, but will stop and then start again.’

‘We would refer to that as ‘growing in fits and starts’,’ I said, beginning to examine other aspects myself more closely.

The skin on my face and arms definitely felt softer than previously. Fortunately I’d never had much beard growth but it had been several days since I’d last needed to shave. Likewise I’d never been particularly muscular but I seemed to have lost some muscle from my upper arms. I’d already noticed that I tended to feel more emotional than before. The hormones I’d been taking every day for the last fortnight were definitely beginning to have a small effect on me.

It was a two-day voyage from Monte Carlo to Barcelona, with a brief stop in Ajaccio in Corsica on the way. During this time nothing out of the ordinary happened: we held one afternoon and two evening performances and one Bunny Hop before arriving in Barcelona, late in the evening, ready for a twenty-four hour stopover. I’d seen no sign of Mum nor of Aunt Emma, which slightly saddened me, but at least Mum wasn’t seeking to make things difficult for me at work. However, the morning after our arrival in Barcelona I was sitting at a table in the front of the theatre with a queue of passengers in front of me. I was ticking off names on lists for the various excursions and allocating them to the different coaches waiting on the quayside. I noticed the next in line was my aunt.

‘Hi Aunt Emm, where’s Mum?’ I asked as I took the two tickets from her.

‘She’s waiting for me in the back row; I’m afraid she still doesn’t want to talk to you.’

I sighed, but wasn’t particularly surprised.

‘How are things between the two of you?’

‘A lot better now, thanks, Ally. I’m doing my best to get her to see reason about you, but it isn’t easy.’

‘I appreciate that,’ I said. ‘Thanks for all your trouble.’

Then, changing the subject, I said: ‘I see you’ve both booked for the Gaudi day tour, what are your plans for this evening?’

‘We’ve been advised to find a tapas restaurant in the El Poble-Sec district.’

My aunt looked a little uncomfortable, and I was aware of the queue of customers standing behind her.

‘I’m trying to help but it’s probably best that I did not spend a lot of time talking to you now,’ she said.

‘Of course; I understand. Have a nice day together.’

George and I had a very nice day together. We took the funicular railway from near the Paral-lel metro station up Montjuic and made our way to the Fundació Joan Miró where we spent more than two and a half hours looking at the paintings and sculptures. George was always more interesting company on his own rather than in a group and he was both witty and informative without seeking to show off. He explained to me about Miró’s development as an artist and his influences. He also encouraged me to seek to understand what the artist was trying to do with the more abstract pieces and give my own interpretation of them.

‘What do you think of that one, Ally?’ he asked.

He was referring to one of the sculptures on the roof, the lower half of which consisted of a bright red, but otherwise naturalistic, pair of woman’s legs (perhaps taken from a tailor’s dummy) whilst the upper half of her body was largely abstract in form. The torso was in bright yellow and blue and the red head looked up to the sky (there is a photograph at the Wikipedia entry for Joan Miró).

‘I think I know how she feels,’ I replied with a smile.

He laughed and we walked on, but my response wasn’t entirely in jest as the sculpture somehow seemed to sum up how I felt about myself as a woman – as yet only partially formed - although I didn’t say so to George. I came away determined to find out more about Miró and indeed Antoni Gaudi when I had the opportunity to do so as it now appeared that I was going to be a regular visitor to Barcelona.

We spent a pleasant lazy afternoon walking through the terraces of the Laribal gardens on Montjuic Hill or else sitting on one of the benches and admiring the view. I was wearing a lemon yellow summer dress that I’d bought in one of the outlet stores in Portsmouth and white shoes. I’d gone for a simple, natural look, without too much makeup, which seemed to suit both my surroundings and also my mood on that day.

‘Do you have any plans for after the summer is ended?’ asked George at one point.

‘I don’t know really, Carol and Beth will be returning to University so I guess I’ll have to look for a job.’

‘What sort of job?’

I shrugged.

‘Anything, just so long as I can continue working as Ally, whilst I apply for university next year.’

‘So Ally is here to stay.’

I nodded but didn’t want to get into a discussion about hormones with him at this stage if I could avoid it.

‘The guys and I are planning to ask for a meeting with Frank to see if there's any chance we could continue working after our current contract expires. If he agrees to keep us on, we’re still going to need a decent singer, so would you be interested in doing so as well?’

‘As a soloist?’

‘We all think that you’re good enough.’

‘I’m not sure George. Being one girl out of three has been an easier introduction for me, but as a soloist I would inevitably have a higher profile.’

‘Well, have a think about it and let us know before the end of the voyage.’

‘OK and thanks for the invitation.’

‘By the way, I never did get to ask you how are things working out with your mother and your aunt?’

‘My aunt is fine, but the fact I’m with you today is an indication that my mother is far from being reconciled to having me as a daughter.’

‘I suppose it must have come as quite a shock to her.’

‘Yes but it now feels so right for me to be living as a girl. I know that there’ll be many difficulties facing me in the future but I’m sure that I’m doing the right thing.’

He looked at me and then smiled.

‘I think so too,’ he said as he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek.

I don’t think that either of us imagined that there might be any long term relationship between us but he was now accepting me as a woman and that was all I asked of him. At that moment I left all of my concerns about my parents and my future behind.

Spaniards tend to eat their evening meals rather late, often after ten o’clock at night, but they do have a great culinary tradition of serving tapas (hot or cold appetizers or snacks), which are ideal for tourists who are more used to eating earlier. At five thirty we made our way back to Paral-lel and began to explore the Gothic Quarter (Barri Gòtic) of the old city, looking for a tapas bar where we could sit outside and watch the streets gradually fill up with people after the afternoon siesta. Then at eight thirty we made our way along the Aviguda del Paral-lel to meet our friends at the Espanya metro station.

Maria and a colleague from the salon, named Anna, together with Tom and Jim from the Bucks were already waiting for us when we arrived. I was surprised to see that Maria and Tom were holding hands. I knew that he had a long-standing girl-friend back in Portsmouth, but maybe this was no longer on. It was time Maria relaxed and enjoyed herself a bit more - as long as it was just a fling and didn’t get too serious. I would have to find out more when we were next alone together.

‘Hi George, Ally, what have you two been doing all day?’ asked Jim.

‘Nothing much, we’ve been to an art gallery and some gardens,’ my escort replied.

‘But we’ve been having a great time,’ I added.

Maria asked if she could have a quiet word with me; I was anxious that she might be about to tell me that I’d made some basic error with my dress or appearance that might give myself away.

‘No Spanish woman would wear her bag on the shoulder like that; it would be too easy for someone to steal it. Put it round your neck,’

‘Alright, but aren’t you being a little paranoid as we each now have a guy to look after us,’ I said with a smile.

‘Ally, I know my city much better than you do. Barcelona is safe from serious crime but it has the highest rate of minor crime in Spain and the Mediterranean. It used to be the local drug addicts but now there are gangs who come here from Eastern Europe just to steal from the tourists during the summer. They can earn more in a few weeks here than they can in a year working at home.’

‘Why don’t the police do something about it?’ I asked.

‘Most thefts from tourists do not get reported to the police, those that do get reported are usually not investigated. The victims are only visiting for a few days and do not wish for any more trouble. Both the thieves and the police realise that. If they are convicted the thieves will be sent home but will be back after a few weeks.’

‘But why don’t the tour companies put pressure on to the police? After all, tourists bring a great deal of business to the city.’

‘They do not do anything because it is in the interests of the tour companies to say that the city is not safe for visitors to go out and explore on their own. Then they can make even more money by organising excursions for them.’

Soon afterwards we were joined by Carol and Beth and their two boyfriends, who had been on the cable car over Barcelona's Port.

‘The Font Màgica is at the end of Avinguda Maria Cristina, it is only a short walk from here,’ said Maria, pointing in the direction of the twin Venetian towers.

By the time we got to the fountain, there was already quite a crowd, waiting for the show to begin.

‘Please be careful with your handbags and wallets, everybody. There are many gangs of pocket pickers who come to this area for the evening shows,’ said Maria.

The daylight was just beginning to fade when the music started with Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ and the fountains and coloured spotlights sprang into life. It got progressively darker over the half hour of the show and the light and water effects became more impressive as a variety of popular classics including Strauss waltzes and the ‘Polovtsian Dances’, were played to create different visual effects.

As we stood admiring the display, with George’s arm over my shoulder, I had a strange feeling that I was being watched. I turned and saw that Mum and Aunt Emma were standing about thirty feet away. Aunt Emma appeared not to have noticed us, but Mum had done so and I could feel her disapproval.

‘George,’ I said quietly.

As he turned his head to face me I kissed him on the lips.

‘What was that for?’ he asked with a smile.

‘Because we’ve had such a great time together today,’ I replied with a smile and placing his arm over my shoulder once again.

‘Yes we have, haven’t we?’

I surreptitiously looked to see how Mum had reacted, but she’d now turned her back to me and seemed to be suggesting to my aunt that they move on to get a better view of the display.

Once the show had finished we all agreed that it was well worth the trouble of attending, and were happy to remain for a second half-hour performance, although conscious that as soon as it was over we would have to begin walking back to the ship. Fortunately Maria knew the old city well and proceeded to guide us through various back streets until we eventually came out at the Plaça de les Drassanes, on the seafront, not far from the cruise terminal. By this time our group had joined quite a few others who were all walking back towards their respective ships. In fact I caught sight of Mum and Aunt Emma walking a few yards ahead of us. They were just negotiating their way through a group of teenagers who appeared to be half blocking the footpath.

Suddenly, one of the group roughly pushed Aunt Emma out of the way and a second one grabbed Mum’s handbag from her shoulder, pushing her forcefully to the ground as he did so. Both my mother and my aunt cried out in surprise. It all happened so quickly.

‘Hey, stop him, someone; he’s a thief! Bolsa de ladrón’ I shouted as I ran to their assistance.

But I was too late; by the time I’d reached the thief he’d already got hold of her bag and tossed it across to an accomplice on a bicycle who had started to pedal away.

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Chapter 25 Some kind of truce

In retrospect, I have to admire the choreography involved as my mother’s handbag was passed from one thief to another. Those teenage lads who’d been looking out for a suitable target were certainly skilled at their trade although I did manage to land a glancing blow on the cheek of one of them and draw a little blood with my finger nails before he slipped out of my reach. However, they hadn’t reckoned on the two middle-aged ladies that they’d targeted having any connection with the larger group of young adults walking a few yards behind them. There was a loud crack as Tom from the Bucks (who happened to be walking at the end of our line) stepped in front of the accomplice and landed a direct hit on his nose, sending him flying from his bicycle. George was next on hand and wrested the stolen bag from him, stamping on the wheels of his fallen bicycle as he did so. For a moment it looked as if the one or two of their colleagues in the group might be prepared to retaliate and seek to regain their prize, but the five guys in our party soon made it obvious to them that they would allow no such a thing to happen. The thieves apparently thought better of the idea and made a rapid retreat, with blood pouring from the cyclist’s nose and leaving his now un-rideable bicycle behind.

Carol and I rushed over to tend to our respective mothers.

‘Are you all right, Mum?’ I asked,

‘Yes, just a little shaken,’ she replied

‘You have to be more careful as the cruise ships attract all the local thieves and bag snatchers,’ I said as if I were a seasoned old hand and had not been warned by Maria about the same thing less than two hours before.

George came over carrying Mum’s handbag.

‘I believe this may be yours, Mrs Fletcher,’ he said, offering it to her.

‘Oh thank heavens for that!’ she replied, still in a state of shock. ‘I had everything in there; my money, my passport and my credit cards.’

I shook my head at her naivety.

‘Come on, Mum, let’s get you and Aunt Emma back on board,’ I said.

I turned and smiled and mouthed my thanks to both Tom and George, most impressed by the speed of their reactions.

Carol and I escorted the two sisters on to the ship and back to their cabin whilst our friends made their way on board discussing the night’s adventure.

I had very little sleep that night as I was spending the whole time going through the events of the previous day and thinking about my future. What was I going to do at the end of the summer when our current contracts expired, and more particularly what was I going to do over the ensuing year? I quite liked the idea of remaining with the ship as a solo singer with the band, and I suspected that Frank might be willing to continue to employ us. After all, cruises didn’t just stop in September but continued all the year round with a slightly older clientele – there would be no more need for the Bunny Hops. If I were able to remain it would inevitably place me more in the limelight. Was that what I wanted? Would it help or impede my transition or my decision to continue my education the following year? I’d discussed the possibility of my staying on with Beth the previous evening but she was adamant that she was going to return to University and finish her degree which I fully understood. I was also fairly sure that Carol would feel the same way, although I resolved to check with her before making any decision of my own. Even Maria, who earlier in the summer had been worried that she might not be able to continue her studies at the University of Barcelona, now felt more confident about her forthcoming resit exam. It looked as if I was going to be the only one in our group with no specific plans; just a vague feeling that this could be my one opportunity to sort out my life once and for all.

Since I needed to discuss my plans with Carol I sent her a text first thing the following morning suggesting that we have breakfast together. She agreed to do so and inevitably our first topic of conversation concerned our two mothers.

‘I phoned Mum first thing this morning. Apparently they’re both fully recovered from last night and intend to come along to see us after the Bunny Hop this morning. Perhaps we could have a coffee together.’

‘Both of them?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

‘Yes, it would seem so.’

‘That’s a promising sign; maybe Mum and I can perhaps start talking to one another again.’

‘I do hope so, it is getting a little awkward for Mum and me having to tread on eggshells between you two,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe last night’s events will be an opportunity to break the ice.’

(I smiled at her use of mixed metaphors and resolved to discuss the difference between idioms, similes and metaphors with Maria.)

‘I’m not feeling particularly bullish about the prospect,’ I replied.

‘In more ways than one,’ she said with a smile. ‘So what was it that you wanted to discuss with me?’

‘There are two things. First of all, George and I have had a message from Frank giving us permission to include the ship'd choir in the show on the last night of the voyage. I’ve only got a few days to organise everything so it would be great if you could help.’

‘No problem, just tell me what you need me to do.’

‘Thanks. The other thing is that the guys are hoping to stay on for a while after the summer and will discuss the possibility with Frank when we reach Southampton. They’ve asked me if I would be interested in joining them. I wondered about your own plans.’

‘It’s back to University I’m afraid. I only wish we’d been offered this job last summer, then I might have considered taking a year out of my degree course but it’s now too late to change my plans.’

‘I guess so.’

‘So what do you think of the idea for yourself?’ asked Carol.

I quickly looked around to make sure that no-one else was in earshot of our conversation.

‘I would be nervous about going solo as a singer but at least it would give me the opportunity to continue consulting Dr Martinez at regular intervals to oversee my hormone therapy.’

‘And continue to see George,’ she added on my behalf, with a smile.

‘Maybe, but that wouldn’t be a major consideration,’ I said colouring slightly

I thought for a moment.

‘I would also be able to keep in touch with Maria during our regular visits to Barcelona. However the guys will need to understand that I’ll be applying to different Universities during the course of the next year.’

‘So you’re still planning to apply to university?’

‘Yes, of course.’

‘I thought your parents were going to cut you off without a penny,’ she said.

‘If I work and save hard over the next year, and take out a student loan to cover the fees, I’ll probably have enough to begin the course, although it will be a struggle.’

‘Well good luck,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe we’ll be able to revive the Bunnies again next summer.’

‘We’re not finished yet. We still have three more cruises to complete, but I’ve really loved being one of the Bunnies and would hope to revive them whenever you and Beth are free to do so.’

Mum and Aunt Carol turned up midway through the Bunny Hop and stayed to watch. After we’d finished they both came over to talk to us. That was a substantial improvement on the situation two days before.

‘How are you two feeling this morning?’ I asked.

‘We’re both alright now thanks,’ answered Aunt Emma. ‘It was just the shock of it all. It was such a pity as otherwise we’d had a good time in Barcelona.’

‘You can take things easily for today and there shouldn’t be any similar problems when we call at Cadiz tomorrow. But please don’t take your passport or any other valuables ashore with you. Leave them in the safe in your cabin,’ I suggested.

‘I’d like to thank those two young men that you were with yesterday. I was too shocked to do so last night,’ said Mum to me.

‘I’m not sure what the guys are doing at the moment, but why not come along to one of our performances and speak to them afterwards?’ I suggested.

Aunt Emma glanced at Mum, as if she was signalling a silent instruction to her. It seemed as if they’d had a serious talk together following last night’s incident.

‘Alright then, we’ll come along this afternoon and I’ll thank the two young men afterwards. In the meanwhile, Ally, may I have a private word with you today?’

‘Yes of course, I’ve an hour free now, if you like, but then I’m due to give an English lesson.’

‘Where should we go?’

‘There’ll be plenty of people sun-bathing on the top deck, but I expect we’ll be able to find somewhere that is out of earshot from anyone else,’ I replied, thinking that we would be less likely to end up shouting at one another if we were in a public arena.

Mum frowned but agreed to follow me.

‘So how have you been enjoying the cruise?’ I asked breezily as we ascended in a crowded lift.

‘Well it certainly has been eventful and full of surprises,’ my mother replied.

We made our way over to a corner of the deck that was unoccupied and each took a sun lounger. I put on my fake Lauren sunglasses and waited for her to begin, but she seemed unsure what to say.

‘I saw you and your friend at the fountain show last night,’ Mum began.

‘His name is George, and yes I was aware that you were staring at us.’

‘You seemed to be having a good time together.’

She was doing her best to disguise it but there was a trace of disapproval in her tone. I could have said something sarcastic in response, but I’d resolved to ignore such minor irritations.

‘We’d had a great day out together and had only just met up with the others.’

‘So is he your steady boyfriend now?’

I could tell that this was a difficult question for her to ask as it inevitably implied a degree of acceptance on her part that I might be gay. This was something she’d not discussed with me before.

‘Mum, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation; it is all about my gender identity. I thought I’d explained that to you in those documents that I’d sent you. If I enjoy George’s company it’s because he treats me as a woman and that’s all that I’d ask from anyone who is seeking my friendship,’ I replied.

‘So you really do want to become a woman?’

I sighed with frustration. I’d tried to explain this to her on many occasions, both in person and in writing, yet somehow the information still hadn’t got through. I was right in my assessment that she only listens to things that she wants to hear. But maybe now there was an indication that she was beginning to listen, although the message would no doubt need to be re-iterated from time to time.

‘No. I don’t want to become a woman – I feel that I already am a woman inside my head – I’ve always felt that way. That’s why I’ve begun to take those hormones so that my body can begin to correspond to my mind.’

‘But where will it end?’

I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about future surgery options as there was still much for me to find out and consider on this subject.

‘It will end with me making the best life I can in the gender role I should have been raised in.’

‘But what about your education? Your career? Marriage?’ she asked.

‘My education and career prospects need not be affected, so long as I’m able to complete my transition fairly soon and change my legal status. In fact they’re likely to be enhanced if I can live a fulfilled life rather than pretending to be someone I’m not. As to marriage, once I’ve completed my transition I’ll be able to legally marry as a woman or enter a civil partnership if I’m able to find someone who can accept me and wants to share my life. That person may be a man or a woman, I’m not really sure at the moment.’

‘But what about a family?’

‘I don’t know. Many transgendered individuals have attempted to deny or suppress their true feelings only to discover later in life that they could no longer continue living a lie. I don’t want to fall into that trap. It wouldn’t be fair on any partner or children for me to pretend to be a man when I know that I’m not.’

There was an awkward silence. For the first time I had the impression that what I’d been saying all this time was beginning to sink in.

‘Is there anything that I can do or say that is going to make you change your mind and stop doing to yourself what you appear to have started?’ she asked eventually.

This was not said in her usual ‘I know best’ tone of voice, but rather in the spirit of genuine enquiry. I turned to face her and lifted my sunglasses so she could look straight into my eyes.

‘No, I’m sorry Mum, there isn’t anything you can do or say to me. I listened to your advice nine years ago, you were wrong and I've regretted it ever since. I’ve recently discovered who I really am and I’m not prepared to sacrifice my happiness by delaying my transition any longer. I would dearly love to make things up with the both of you, but I’m afraid it can only be on my own terms. If I have to do this on my own, without your love and support, then so be it, but make no mistake, I will be going through with it.’

There was no anger in my voice just a quiet certainty, which she must have recognised. Mum averted her gaze and looked at the deck before speaking.

‘I thought this sort of thing only affected other people, like those mentioned in the case studies that you sent me. But then I read your own account of your childhood and I felt ashamed.’

At least she appeared to have read the documents that I sent to her.

‘Were you ashamed of yourself, or ashamed of me?’ I asked quietly.

She sighed.

‘Both, if I’m really honest. But I can’t help it.’

I knew that this would be a factor in how she received the news of my transition. My mother was acutely conscious of what other people thought.

‘I’m sad that you consider me to be an embarrassment to you or if you feel that I’ve let you down in some way, but I have to be true to myself. As far as I’m concerned I’ve never felt so good about myself or more proud of what we’ve achieved as I have during the last few weeks.’

‘I can see that but I’m afraid that is the way I was brought up,’ she said. ‘It’s going to take me some time to come to terms with the idea of having a transgendered son.’

‘I would rather that you thought of me as your daughter who happens to be a transgendered woman,’ I replied. ‘But I suppose it’s something that you don’t appear to be writing me off altogether.’

She sighed.

‘No, I’m not writing you off altogether, but you must allow me time to get used to the idea of having ‘a daughter’.’

From the way she said those words it was clear that she was still having difficulty with the idea, but at least she seemed to be making an effort.

‘Yes, of course I understand Mum. It is going to be difficult for both of you. I hope one day to make you proud of me as your daughter but I’ll only be able to do that if I’m true to myself.’

‘I guess so,’ she replied with a sigh.

‘I won’t be able to travel to see you in Bahrain for a while until I can get a new passport as a woman, but at least we’ll now be able to keep in regular touch with one another by Skype.’

She would have to decide for herself what she said to her expat friends, and when, but now that I’d ‘come out’ to my parents as well as my cousin and aunt, I would no longer be afraid of what anyone might think of me.

‘I’ll also have to explain things to your dad,’ she said.

‘I thought that you’d already told him.’

‘He knows that you’re working as a female impersonator and I mentioned that I was worried about your future, but didn’t go so far as telling him that you were living as a girl full-time and planning a permanent change of sex.’

‘It is a change of gender rather than a change of sex,’ I corrected patiently. ‘Just tell him the truth and show him a few of the pictures of me on Flickr. I’m sure he’ll be alright about it as long as you’re able to accept my transition and it doesn’t interfere with his precious work,’ I replied with a smile.

‘I hope you’re right. I’ll probably tell him when I get back home.’

‘Let me know when you’ve done so and then I’ll talk to him on Skype.’

She sighed and touched my hand.

‘As there appears to be nothing that we can do to stop you, I suppose we’ll both have to find a way to accept you as our daughter.’

‘I’m afraid so,’ I replied.

‘Well I’ve never doubted that you looked nice dressed as a girl.’

‘Even when I’m wearing makeup?’

‘Yes, even when you’re wearing makeup.’

‘Thanks, I enjoy taking trouble over my appearance and looking good. As I said, my friend Maria has been helping me in this respect, but I’m gradually getting the hang of what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup.’

‘So I see.’

‘One day, maybe, we’ll be able to go out clothes shopping together, as mother and daughter, but not until you are more comfortable with me in my new identity and I’ve gained more confidence as to who I am and how I want to look. But in the meanwhile why not come to our performance this evening, so you can see how glamorous we can look.’

She sighed, but otherwise appeared to be acquiescent.

‘Alright, it looks as though I have no choice. I’ll come to your show this evening and perhaps afterwards I’ll be able to meet those friends of yours to thank them for their help.’

---

 

 

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Chapter 26 Finale?

I gave a summary of the morning’s discussion with Mum and my feelings of resolve and optimism for the future to the Bunnies whilst we were getting ready for the show that evening.

‘I know now that with determination on my part I’ll be able to complete my transition from an unhappy and conflicted young man to a reasonably stable young woman,’ I said.

‘Does your mother see it that way?’ asked Carol.

‘It seems as if we’ve reached some kind of a truce. Neither side has won in the battle of wills between us but at least she now seems willing to accept the reality of my transition and realises that there’s nothing she can do to stop me.’

‘Well that’s something,’ commented Beth.

‘Yes, but she’s still some way from welcoming me as her new daughter or wanting to boast to her friends about my achievements.’

‘That’s something that she and Uncle Jim will have to come to terms with over the next few months, if they don’t want to risk losing contact with you altogether,’ said Carol.

‘But why does it have to be such a struggle? Surely one’s parents should want what was so clearly the best outcome for their child?’ I asked.

‘I guess she’s worried about you; that you might one day come to regret your decision.’

‘I realise that I’ve been extraordinarily lucky with the way that things have worked out for me over the past few weeks and I’ve no illusions that it’s going to be all ‘plain sailing’ from now onwards. There are bound to be problems and setbacks, but I'm certain that I would have far more regrets if I didn’t take this opportunity. I couldn’t continue the way I was, getting more and more depressed.’

‘Well if nothing else, you’ll have Mum and me back you up.’

Maria had been fixing my hair during this conversation and then said something which surprised me.

‘I met your mother this afternoon. She asked for me to cut and style her hair for her. She told me that she liked the way that I had done your hair and asked for my advice about her own. I think she was happy with the result as she left a good tip for me.’

‘What did you talk about?’ I asked, intrigued why Mum should have sought out Maria in this way.

‘I tell her that I was sorry she was so nearly robbed and that she needed to be more careful in Barcelona. She asked about my family and I told her that you have had lunch with my parents who wanted to thank you for helping me learn English. I told her that you are a very good teacher and that you have helped me so much that I am no longer worried that I will fail my examination in September.’

‘How did she react to that information?’

‘She said that she’d always known you were clever but had not realised that you had so many talents.’

‘Did she refer to me as ‘Ally’ and ‘her daughter’?’ I asked.

‘Yes, of course she did! I would not have known who she spoke about if she had said Alex. I told her that you are fortunate with your looks and that you were learning how to make the best of them. She agreed and said that you always seemed to look smart.’

‘It seems as if she’s making an effort to understand you better,’ commented Beth.

‘I hope so,’ I replied although I wasn’t entirely sure about that.

I decided that we’d said enough about me for one day so I looked around for a new topic.

‘Now then Maria, what were you doing holding Tom’s hand last night?’

‘Yes, Maria, you saucy wench, I thought that you’d decided to abstain from men and devote your life to learning English for the summer,’ said Carol.

Maria smiled and shrugged.

‘Ally has taught me well so maybe the time is right to have (how you say it?) a ‘fling’ for the summer. Also it will improve my English conversation to spend some time talking with Tom.’

‘He’s not the most talkative of guys but maybe you can bring him out of his shell,’ suggested Carol.

‘Shell? What shell? He is not un caracol.’

‘Carol means for you to help him to overcome his shyness - timidez. So long as you don’t get hurt in the process,’ I cautioned.

‘So says the girl who had her tongue in George’s mouth at the magic fountain, last night,’ commented Beth.

I blushed and smiled at the same time, not realising that it had been so apparent. I really enjoyed these sessions whilst we got ourselves ready as they provided an opportunity for us to bond together as a group, to discuss clothes, boyfriends or any problems that we were encountering in a way that never would have happened between guys. I really enjoyed my life as a girl!

As promised, both Mum and Aunt Emma came to our show that evening. Mum looked especially smart with her new hairstyle and always knew how to dress well. We’d been performing in our bunny costumes and (in my opinion at least) were looking good, although I was a little anxious as to what Mum was going to think about them. I was however pleased that both the Bunnies and the musicians had lost none of our recent good form and again we gave an excellent show that was well received by the audience. Mum and Aunt Emma came over to speak to all of us all at the end of the show. After the initial congratulations regarding our performances, Carol and Beth began speaking to Aunt Emm, leaving me once again to face Mum.

‘I do like you hair, it really suits you,’ I said before she could make any comment about my costume.’

‘Thank you, dear. Your friend Maria did it for me.’

‘So I understand; she’s a good hairdresser, even though she’s studying for a course in business management.’

Mum then proceeded to change the subject.

‘I must say that all six of you gave excellent performances this evening. I just wish your Dad could have seen you.’

‘Really? Do you mean that?’ I said, involuntarily.

She was trying her best to be nice.

‘Of course I do! But now I want to thank your two friends for their help in Barcelona, would you mind introducing me to them.’

By this time the guys were beginning to pack up their instruments.

‘By all means, come over and have a few words with them.’

Tom was quite gracious, saying that he hoped that both Mum and my aunt had recovered from the shock of the night before and was pleased that he’d been able to help. At first George seemed a little embarrassed by the encounter.

‘I’d like to thank you for returning my bag. It would have ruined my holiday if I’d lost everything.’

‘Yes, of course, but really I did nothing it was all due to Tom’s fast reactions.’

Mum smiled.

‘I understand that you’ve been seeing my daughter, George.’

This time there was no hesitation and no awkward inflection, with her use of the word ‘daughter’.

‘Yes, Ally and I have been working closely together on some of the musical arrangements and we’ve also been out together on a couple of occasions,’ he replied. ‘She’s great fun to work with. You’re lucky to have such a talented daughter.’

I coloured slightly, and restrained myself from kissing him on the spot.

‘So it would seem,’ Mum replied.

He smiled and they said goodbye to one another. There was no awkwardness or embarrassment on his part. For the first time I felt truly accepted by all present and so as Mum turned to go I slipped my hand into George’s and gave it a little squeeze. Mum and I then rejoined the others.

‘Are you three allowed to join us for a drink in the lounge,’ she asked.

‘Yes, but you’ll have to give us time to get changed first,’ said Beth.

‘Alright, Emma and I will find us all a table and order some drinks and you can join us as soon as you are ready.’

It proved to be an enjoyable evening. Mum was on her best behaviour and there was no awkwardness, no reference to Alex.

‘Why can’t she always be like that?’ I asked Carol as we made our way back to the crew quarters afterwards. ‘It would make life so much easier to have her on my side.’

‘Give her time, I’m sure she’ll come round eventually,’ my cousin replied.

The following morning we docked at Cadiz for a few hours. Mum and Aunt Emma had signed up to go on a coach tour of the main sites, and were unlikely to come to any harm during the day. Carol and Beth and their respective partners were planning to spend some time on the wonderful beach at La Caleta, which gets crowded at weekends but is normally alright mid-week. Maria was working; I remained on board as I’d been invited to attend a discussion with the guys about our future plans. Tom began the proceedings with an account of the longish telephone conversation he’d had with Frank Johnson when we were in Barcelona.

‘I’ve arranged for us all to see him when we get to Southampton. Apparently they have continued to receive excellent feedback about our performances to date. He is quite willing to discuss our future employment beyond the end of the summer but as usual there are some matters that will need to be resolved.’

‘What sort of matters?’ I asked.

‘The most important one, as far as we are concerned, is the issue of vocalist or vocalists. I think we’ve been very lucky the way the two groups have fitted together so well over the last few weeks and we don’t want to have to go looking for new singers if we can avoid it.’

‘You may have to, I understand that Beth and Carol will both be returning to University in September,’ I replied.

‘But Ally might be interested in continuing as a soloist,’ added George.

‘I’ll be available and looking for work for the next year but am planning to go to University in September 2015. I would be interested in staying as long as it’s also understood that I might have to have the occasional day off to attend interviews,’ I replied.

‘I did raise that possibility with Frank but he would have some concerns about that.’

‘Oh,’ I said somewhat surprised. ‘I thought I’d been doing quite well, and there have been no issues with any of the other staff regarding to my gender.’

‘His reservations don’t relate to the quality of your performance as a singer, in fact he said that he was most impressed with all the additional things that you’ve done.’

‘So what’s the problem?’ asked George.

'He’s increasingly anxious about your legal employment status. As things stand, if you had an accident at work or were taken seriously ill overseas you may not be covered by the company’s insurance. He took a risk by employing you for the summer as he was desperate, but if he were going to take you on longer term you would need to regularise your employment situation with the Department for Work and Pensions.’

‘I’d already thought about that myself,’ I replied. ‘I intend to visit their office to notify them that I am transgendered and intend living as a woman full-time so that I can get a new National Insurance account and sort out my existing pension contributions. I’ll also probably have to undertake a registered legal name change so that I can apply for a new passport.’

‘So you’re planning to continue as Ally, long term,’ commented James.

‘No, not just long term, I’m beginning a permanent transition and have begun taking female hormones. By the time I’ve completed my first year of University I hope to be legally recognised as a woman.’

The guys didn’t look particularly surprised by the news. I was fairly sure that none of my friends would have told them, but maybe they’d worked it out for themselves. After all I’d made no secret of how much I enjoyed my life as Ally and it was some time since any of them had thought of me as anything other than a young woman.

‘If that’s the case I’m fairly sure that Frank will have no further reservations, and I’m certain that we’d all be happy to have you as the solo vocalist with the band,’ said James.

The other two grunted in agreement.

‘Thanks guys, and I’ll be delighted to sing with such good musicians.’

The last full-day at sea before we returned to Southampton was exceptionally busy for me and although I caught sight of Mum on several occasions I didn’t have much chance to speak to her other than to say hello. After our final Bunny Hop of the voyage I had to dash away for an extended choir practice as we would have our debut public performance later that evening. Neither Mum nor her sister came to our afternoon show but Aunt Emma did come up and speak to me afterwards.

‘I was wondering whether you were planning to come back to Waterlooville with us when the ship docks tomorrow, Ally?’

‘No thanks, you won’t have room to put me up if Mum is staying with you for a couple of days. In any event I’ve a meeting with our boss in Southampton and need to go and see the Department of Work and Pensions,’ I replied.

‘Maybe you could come over for a family meal on Friday evening before your mother goes back home, and I’ll drive you and Carol back to the ship afterwards.’

‘Yes, I’d like that, as long as Mum is happy with the arrangement.’

‘She won’t have any choice about it if she wants to remain under my roof. But she’s already beginning to recognise that you are happy and successful in your new life, so I’m sure she’ll come round in the end.’

‘Carol said that to me last night. I hope you are right.’

‘Carol tells me that you’re planning to continue working on the ship after she and Beth return to University in September.’

‘Yes, I hope so, but that’s why I need to sort a few things out.’

‘In that case you’ll always be welcome to stay whenever you return to Southampton.’

‘Thanks. I’m sure I'd like to do that as I’ll probably get a little stir-crazy if I have stay on the ship all the time. In any event it’ll be nice to see you and Carol.’

(Carol attended the University of Portsmouth and so lived at home during term time.)

Aunt Emma now appeared to be on the point of leaving.

‘By the way, are you two planning to come to the show this evening?’ I asked.

‘We were intending to do our packing after dinner. We have seen the Bunnies perform on several occasions this trip.’

‘It’s just that the ship’s choir will be performing for the first time tonight. I’ll be conducting.’

‘I’m not really a fan of choral music.’

‘No it’ll be pop classics, the Carpenters, Abba – that kind of thing. Tell Mum that I’ve included, ‘We’ve only just begun,’ just for her.

I knew that was the song that had been played at her wedding and remained a favourite.

My Aunt smiled.

‘Alright, I’ll tell her and we'll see what happens.’

It is probably getting a bit repetitious for me to keep saying that the performance by the Bucks and the Bunnies went well that evening – but it’s true - although I promise that this will be the last time I ever say so. At one point we were each taking it in turns to lead with a medley of Queen songs (‘The show must go on,’ ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ ‘Under pressure,’ ‘We Are The Champions,’ ‘Somebody to love’ and ‘I Want It All,’) as this gave the guys a good opportunity to show off their skills as instrumentalists. I noticed Mum and Aunt Emma in the front row looking appreciative of our efforts. They must have deliberately finished their dinner early, sacrificing their desserts in order to have secured such good seats.

As soon as we were finished, before the applause had entirely died down, George and I had to leave the stage and execute a quick costume change. In my case I had to shed the bright pink body-hugging mini-dress that I’d worn for our performance in favour of the uniform provided for me by the company for when I was undertaking other duties on board. Carol helped me to get changed as Maria was busy helping the other ladies in the choir with their preparations. Richard (Carol’s boyfriend) was doing the same organising the guys in the choir.

When we were all ready, George took his place at the Grand piano and I led the choir on to the stage. I began by explaining to the audience that the ship’s choir had only been formed recently and this would be our first public performance. I cracked a few jokes about the difficulty of getting such a diverse group of men and women incorporating seven different nationalities to sing in tune, which seemed to go down fairly well. I then became more serious and said that earlier that month Médecins Sans Frontières had described the Ebola crisis in West Africa as ‘totally out of control’ and requiring ‘massive resources.’ We would therefore be leaving buckets near to the door and hoped to collect some money for a charity helping Ebola orphans in Sierra Leone. We then began our performance.

We weren’t by any means perfect in our performance, but we weren’t bad and much better than I’d feared we might be earlier in the day. I had my back to the audience and so couldn’t really judge their reaction, although there seemed to be appreciative applause after each number. We finished with ‘World in union,’ the theme used for the Rugby World Cup and adapted from Holst's ‘Jupiter’ from ‘The Planets.’ By the time we reached the last verse the members of the choir were really beginning to ‘up their game’.

It's the world in union
The world as one
As we climb to reach our destiny
A new age has begun.

This time the applause was really loud. As I turned to face the audience and take a bow, I noticed that Mum was crying in the front row. She was still crying as I gestured first to George our accompanist and then to the choir so that they could share the applause. I suspected though that they were not tears of unhappiness or frustration so much as of pride and joy in what we’d just achieved. At that moment, I felt that given the slightest excuse I might just do the same thing. However, I managed to hold things together to enable me to congratulate and thank the members of the choir afterwards and receive a bunch of flowers from them. It wasn’t until I was alone in our dressing room that I eventually succumbed and began to sob. Sometimes music can affect you in that way.

Many thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for their comments and corrections to my chapter drafts and to everyone who has commented, kudoed or contacted me directly by PM about the story.

Louise