small>Five years ago to keep my job I began to use my sister’s name… My attitude needed to change if I were to stay employed... Bridgette Riley saw a need to feminize my perspective… Even my wife Julie was open to changing the sharp edges of my attitude... Elaine became in touch with qualities Dan had long suppressed, even a self he long desired... I had come to blame everyone but me.

I wasn’t ready for the doorbell to ring at 6:00 a.m., but then nor was it normal for me to get out of bed wearing a nightgown and put on a cozy pink robe to answer the door. I did, welcoming in Bridgette who said, “Elaine, a woman’s day usually begins earlier than Dan’s. I wanted to save you an extra shower as there are some things we need to take care of.”

“I see you took off your makeup last night. It even looks like you cared for your skin. Do you have something to tell me about? Are you used to doing that?”

“I called my wife if you need to know,” I talked to Ms. Riley kind of abruptly expecting her to give me a hard time or to get in a long explanation. “She gave me instructions over the phone; she even treated me civilly.”

Bridgette smiled and continued to talk to me calmly, “I want you to take a shower, shampoo your hair, and use this conditioner. You’ll need to use this cream to remove the unwanted body hair.”

When I got into the shower I considered using the cream on my head to foil their plan of having me as a passable woman. Alas, I didn’t want to be bald. I was also fighting my attitude, to prove I could outsmart people. I didn’t see any difference in using the shampoo and conditioner Bridgette had to give me until I used them the second time. Suddenly my hair glowed like it was healthier and having the fullness I see in Julie’s hair. When I turned off the shower to put on the cream I realized I couldn’t see or reach an area on my back. I did what I could hoping no one would notice.

Bridgette called into the bathroom, “Be careful to rinse your hands and not to put them in your hair or rub your eyes. If you need help just ask.” I had no intention to ask for help or do anything more than I had to.

I waited over the prescribed time before turning the shower back on. I’m not a hairy guy but losing what I had was more noticeable than I thought it would be. There was a very noticeable difference in drying my legs and arms. I observed my underarms still had hair. Instead of getting back into the shower I found a woman’s razor and shave cream and used them to make my underarms like a woman’s.

I called out to Bridgette, “I need a blow dryer for my hair.” She responded, “Just pat it dry for now and wrap it in a towel turban style.” Right, I patted it partially dry and figured that was good enough. I put the robe on, now enjoying its softness, and walked out to where Bridgette was waiting for me.

Bridgette required me to pick out the clothes I would wear today, including panties and a bra. I put the small balloons filled with gelatin into the bra cups and found myself being particular in making sure they looked balanced and nice. Putting on the panties I pushed my male parts back between my legs. My pantyhose and skirt felt like Julie had indicated they would. I almost enjoyed the feeling of them coming up my legs and how they felt when the skirt brushed up against them.

I'm not used to a shirt or a top without an undershirt. Again I find myself liking the feeling and fighting against my enjoyment of it.

Bridgette asks, “Would it be okay if I brush out your hair a little bit before breakfast?” I said, yes and she had me sit as she brushed it out using a hair blower that she had not told me of. I protested the feminine look, she told me to get used to it for now. I was going to the kitchen to find what I could eat for breakfast, but she told me to follow her.

We left my apartment and went up to hers; she said, “We rarely use this way.” As she opened the door at the top of the steps she called in, “I have a new woman with me.” Two women came to meet me, “This is my wife Cathy and this is our daughter Ashley. You two this is Elaine Hall, I will be working with her.” I was not expecting a pregnant woman to be her wife or a teenager to be introduced as her daughter.

I was sure I caught her making a mistake and enjoyed speaking up to correct her, “My name is to be Elaine Woods.”

“We’re going to call you Elaine Hall, so at work, they won’t readily identify you with your regular self.” That made sense to me, but the others paid no mind. Bridgette said, “Cathy will help with your hair after breakfast. It will probably be a week or so before we introduce you to going to a hair salon.”

“I hope I improve fast enough that it will not be needed,” I told her.

“Oh, it will take longer than you might expect. Breaking bad habits and developing new habits and behaviors usually take at least forty to fifty days to become normal for a person. You won’t always need to be Elaine, but I don’t want you to fall back to old ways and your stinking attitude. Your new ways will be well established before you stop using Elaine and being your female counterpart.”

Ashley was happy that her mother checked my attitude at the door. Ashley took me by the hand, “Let me show you around.” She showed me the way they usually came in and up to the second floor. “Mom usually uses these rooms for meeting with clients. The dining room is ours but sometimes used with her friends like you. There’s the kitchen, laundry room, living room, and others one might expect to find. Bedrooms and other living areas continue up to the third floor.

“I’ve been Bridgette’s daughter for over a year now and this is my room. They've already been legally married. I think Mom will have the second baby whenever they’re ready that she becomes pregnant.” Cathy called us down for breakfast.

I asked, “Did you know a client named Ronnie?” Ashley stopped and looked at me, “You know you shouldn’t do that. What if in the future someone would ask me if I knew Elaine’s real name? Would you want me to talk about you? It’s rare for me to meet someone like you. If I told you I was a street kid; it wouldn’t mean I’d permitted you to talk about me. Confidence here goes two ways, do you understand that?”

When we got to the kitchen Bridgette asked, “What were you talking about?”

“Just small talk Mom,” Ashley said. We sat around a table in the kitchen and I found myself caught up in the conversation as one of the girls. I couldn’t believe it was only 7:30 a.m. and I felt like I had done a lot.

After we were done, Cathy told me, “Go take care of things and then wash. We’ll go back there and I’ll do your hair so you’ll be more comfortable shopping as another woman.”

When I was ready, I found Cathy had a small salon of her own back off from the kitchen. She had a lot of hair in strands of three to five lying on a tray, she called them extensions. “If you don’t complain too much I’m going to use these, color your hair to be a prettier and more vibrant brunette. It will be different enough that your co-workers won’t easily see any resemblance.”

“You make it sound like I might enjoy this step-down and see it to be a step up.” Cathy paused and I knew I didn’t say something to her liking. Cathy stared at me, “You don’t see anything wrong with what you just said, ‘Do you?’” She called out of the room for Bridgette.

“She’s nothing more than a bastard in a dress; he thinks being a woman is a step down below him. No wonder they see him as a problem child. I just don’t know why you will waste time on him.” She told Bridgette what he said, “You make it sound like I might enjoy this step-down and see it to be a step up.” I agreed it was what I said, and that I didn‘t see any harm in it.

I said, “But you say you're second-class citizens don’t you?”

Bridgette calmly said, “Some women say they’re treated as second-class citizens because women like your supervisors are paid little more than you and if they were a male she would be making at least $6,000 to $10,000 more with more perks or benefits. But she does not see herself as second class. Lynn who hired you is more highly trained than most at her level. She doesn’t lord it over others because it’s just who she is. She’s highly motivated to do what she does. It might have caused her to see something special in you that Cathy doesn’t see as being there and is in no small group.”

I look to Cathy as I hear Bridgette say, “Help her to see the person her boss does; if you can’t I’ll need to take her to a salon yet today.”

I felt like I had been insulted, but Bridgette had done it in such a way I wanted to say thanks. When Cathy started to partition my hair and fasten the extensions into places; she had me turned away from the mirror. It was a long tedious process and I was glad I wasn’t the one doing the work. It was interesting as she knew what she was doing. It is a complicated process for me, but she made it look easy.

When Cathy was lowering me back in the salon chair to color my hair, I thought she might want to drown me. She had an expression that she soon spoke out loud, “No, I won’t drown you or do anything mean. I’m just not as diplomatic as Bridgette when someone upsets me. I just think it’s cute sometimes to see what Bridgette gets to start with.”

“So you think I’m a piece of work, do you? What do you give her chances for helping me,” I asked, interested in her thoughts?

“I continue to be impressed with Bridgette. Since she has not only agreed to help you but has you in the downstairs apartment; I take that to mean she knows what she needs to do to help you, help yourself. I kind of look forward to seeing the person you will become. No, it is not a given that you will be salvageable. But if I had to, I’d bet she can help you do it.”

She colored my hair twice I think. Then she set to cut it and set it in various size rollers. I moaned as she was doing it. Once she had my hair all in rollers, she made sure it was dry around my eyebrows. She applied, was it a wax or glue thing I wasn’t sure nor did I care. That is until it set and she pulled them; one above and one below each eyebrow. I looked up to the mirror, “Yuck, they belong to a girl!” Cathy set me under the hairdryer, set the time, and walked away. She said something but I couldn’t understand anything under the dryer. ‘How do women talk to each other under these things?’

When my hair was dry, Cathy began to undo the rollers and comb and brush out my hair. Soon my hair was taking the semblance of a woman’s hairdo and I was looking more and more like a young twenty-something woman. I was a woman and a few years younger than Dan. The comforting thing about it; no one would be seeing me as Dan.

I tried to switch back to Oscar the Grouch mode as Bridgette told me, “Go downstairs and change into the outfit I have out for you and the two-inch heels.” I tried to argue, but Bridgette didn’t argue back, I just had to go change. When she and Ashley came down to take me shopping, I was informed I would change and try on at least seven more outfits today.

Once out the door, I was glad to see Julio wasn’t there. But she knew the taxi driver’s name, Jerry. We went to a row of women’s stores. Thankfully they were not on Fifth Avenue as I knew this was coming out of my salary. The first building wasn’t even a clothing store; now I wish it was. We went up to the third floor where a woman measured me for breast forms. What I was using hadn’t quite filled the bra cups, but these were what the woman called very nice size C breasts. When I complained Bridgette said, “Your wife already wears a C-cup bra and that is before the baby’s born and she begins nursing.”

The next thing I did more than complaining a little about, I underwent being shaved and fitted for a faux vagina. All the complaining gained me nothing. Bridgette did have her phone out saying she was ready to call Julio or Hector. This was humbling enough. There was a doctor there, who examined me and asked me, “Are you sure you would like the male hormone blocker for at least three months?”

The only thing crazier than the question was me saying, “Yes” and signing the release. The doctor said it was something I could change if I wanted.

Now, I could feel the change as well as see it. And yes, I will now have to sit down to pee, but it wasn’t like I was going to walk into a men’s room and pee the way I looked.

Ashley was already down in Chiermon’s, it’s a women’s clothing store when we caught up to her. She introduced me to Jennifer Tuft who measured me once again. She said I was a size 12. She was going to have me try a bland gray skirt suit that Ashley quickly said was for an older lady who stopped being interested in others. I giggled and agreed. We walked around and it was Ashley and Bridgette who found the clothes that looked more appropriate for a young professional woman.

One blouse had a part that I was not sure if it was a fashion scarf or a women’s tie. Ashley had me try it on and then she showed me the various ways to wear it. It worked well with a skirt and jacket as a suit or two with other skirts alone. Despite the salesperson, we bought one women’s suit with a skirt as well as dress slacks, two more skirts, and three blouses. We would have gotten more but Bridgette and Ashley told me the fun had just begun.

The next two women’s stores were okay, but they had things we could come back to if we didn‘t find something better. Bridgette said I need at least one dress for evenings out. Everything was either a skirt or a dress and I complained about that.

Bridgette let me pick out a pair of slacks and a top I was comfortable with. I changed into both and came out to show them. Bridgette took me over to a mirror and simply said, “This is why I am being particular.” True enough I looked more like Dan. When I changed out of it, she had Ashley hold onto them in case I complained while in the store.

We did get a colorful full skirt, a pencil skirt, and a knit dress all of which I willingly agreed to. I wanted to get a particular sundress, but Ashley picked out one better for now. She said I could wear it into the fall. We called Jerry and loaded his taxi; Cathy would meet him at the house.

I had wanted to stop shopping but Bridgette insisted we needed to get some makeup and stop at a lingerie shop. Makeup was bad enough; I insisted we just go to a department store to get the panties and bras I needed. Maxine’s was not as bad as I feared. I was sure everyone was looking at me as some weird man, but I never actually caught anyone looking at me.

I had enough trouble on my own I didn’t need to imagine anymore. When I needed the help of the saleswoman, she soon guessed I was a man dressing as a woman. She was nice and soon had me feeling more comfortable. “The first time out is probably the hardest. You present yourself very well I hope you will soon relax and just enjoy being you.” I couldn’t believe she thought I was doing this by choice.

I had never seen Ron or any other man dressed as a woman except those who were in drag. Even a percentage of them looked convincingly female. I thanked the saleswoman. Buying bras, panties, and nightwear went smoothly from there. Ashley saw me smile and said, “It is nice to see you relaxing and enjoying it a little.”

I tried to get upset with her but when Dan’s voice began to surface I quickly caught myself. Bridgette took me aside, saying, “You will regret it if you intentionally embarrass my daughter when she is trying to be helpful.”

It was the first time I apologized for knowingly being rude.

Other than some water or raspberry tea from a vendor, we did not stop to eat.

It was 4:30 when we made it back to the apartments. Bridgette stopped with me in my apartment. She had to respond to several phone calls but had shown me how to cut off the tags making sure I found everything. I had to either hang my clothes or fold them and put them away. She did what she needed to, all the while watching me. I had put away most of my clothes and placed some makeup on the vanity and other cosmetics in the bathroom by the sink.

Bridgette had finished her calls, making notes and marking a calendar on her phone. She asked me to sit with her and we went through what she observed. I had thought she had been lax and sloppy in keeping track of me. Her observations proved me wrong. She identified the areas I need to work on. She even helped me to describe how my words and actions could have offended some people and have been better said.

She described one incident I did not remember until I realized it was a work incident with one of my clients. It wasn’t even a matter of achieving what I wanted. As Elaine, I was calm and objective enough to see how I could have handled it better.

It was now 5:40 p.m. and I knew the coworker I worked with on that project, would still be at work. Bridgette had me talking as Dan when she asked me to call Deb. I called Deb and identified who I was, “Deb, I wanted to call and apologize for the grief I have caused you in working with our client. I also want to thank you for seeing the project through.”

Deb asked why I was calling now. I told her, “Because it took me this long to see how offensive I had become and it wasn’t even needed.”

I would have liked to see her talk to me, I suspect she wondered if I had ulterior motives but all I heard was a co-worker simply saying. “Thanks, Dan, I expect that wasn’t easy for you, but I appreciate you calling me. I missed you at work today.”

Honestly, there was my cynical side that was thinking as usual and it wasn’t good. This evening I wasn’t finding it so pretty, but it was me.

“Do you realize Elaine that I did not have to guide your thinking or what you said?” Elaine wanted to cry, “It’s what my sister or mother might have done.” But I was getting angry inside, with Bridgette and myself. Bridgette had to tell me to take deep breaths and help me to relax. “Touch your face and feel who is there, let your hands move down stopping at your breasts as well as feeling the clothes you are wearing. …who’s with me right now?”

I told her “Elaine.”

“But it was Dan who talked to Deb, your co-worker, and all you will be doing in the weeks ahead, Dan could do. Why do you get so uptight with him or angry with Elaine for being sensitive?”

Bridgette soon left my apartment asking me to shower and get ready to go out as a family for dinner. We would be going to a neighborhood restaurant. She asked me if I liked Italian food. It is very unusual to find someone in the area who doesn’t like good Italian food.

To be continued…

Five years ago to keep my job I used my sister’s name…
My attitude necessitated a change to stay employed…
2008, the worst two four-letter words regarding a job were ‘pink slip’…
Julie and I were expecting our second child. This would not be a good time to lose my job...
I had been passed over for job promotions... I blamed everyone but me.

Toni and Momma Giuseppe, the owners, greeted us as we entered their restaurant. They gave hugs and kisses to Bridgette, Cathy, and Ashley. “And who is your friend this morning;” Mama looks to me and says, “Welcome.”

Ashley had helped me with my voice and I have enough confidence in speaking for myself. Momma Giuseppe speaks to me, “The more you talk for yourself and be the attractive woman I see; the better you will be.”

I am embarrassed as I thought she was making fun of my voice, and I stand to leave. But Momma Giuseppe grabs me by the arm and walks me to a small dining room. “I am a sorry if I embarrass you, but please you do not embarrass them by walking off. You have a pretense in your attitude that you are better. I do not know what I did that offended you, but I respect the young woman you are trying to be. No one here, including me, wishes to embarrass you. These three women are our good friends and if I did something wrong I want to correct it here and now. I do not want to lose their friendship and I would like to gain yours.”

Bridgette came back to us, “I apologize to both of you.” She turns to Momma, “How did you know she’s not a woman?” Momma looks at me, looks again even harder, and then she says, “You are kidding me; I thought she was someone you are working with, trying to help gain confidence? …I am sorry I didn’t realize.” Momma is now nervous and upset with herself.

“No wonder you like being a woman, you make a beautiful young woman.” Momma sees a smile come to Bridgette’s face. “What about being a woman do you like the most,” Momma Giuseppe asks me?

I say, “I am not used to passing as a woman and I am not comfortable yet in public. I am to go to work this afternoon or tomorrow and I am scared,” I tell her.

Momma Giuseppe, “As you see I am an old woman and you impressed me to be another woman. Does your workplace know you are coming?”

I say, “Not everyone knows but my boss knows. She encourages me to treat it like I am starting over.”

Momma smiles, “You and Bridgette, you come here after work and sip a glass of wine and eat some cheese to celebrate and unwind. …Excuse me, I should let you get your breakfast.”

Bridgette turns to me, “You turned another event into a positive and made a good friend. I hope you see the good side of this?” Part of me wanted to be angry and use the moment to sabotage what I’m being forced to do. But I am beginning to see I have an opportunity. I stand up, smooth out my outfit and ask if I look okay.

Bridgette says, “Let us go to the women’s room and you can check for yourself.” Bridgette led us back to the table to get our purses which I had not thought of. She told them at the table, “Order me the fresh fruit parfait please.”

I said, “That sounds good but please add a cheese Danish or another pastry like it.” I could see the worry on Cathy and Ashley’s faces, so I smiled to relieve them a little. I feel clumsy in heels and I find I have to watch more closely where I am walking. Simple things like a little lip of the doorway, and I have to watch for any chance of miss-stepping.

Once in the women’s room, I look at myself in the mirror and put my purse down by the sink I am using. My hair is slightly out of place and I look at Bridgette with my brush in hand. I want her to fix it, but soon know she wants me to help myself. Actually, I do okay and with my makeup as well. Mostly I just needed to refresh my lip gloss and use a tissue to help fix a smudge.

We both washed our hands, Bridgette is gentle in drying her hands. I try to copy her.

Hot tea and waters are waiting as we return. It reminds me of being with my mother and it gives me a good feeling.

I want to see the sports section of the newspaper. Bridgette says breakfast out should be an opportunity to visit without distractions or having to worry about preparing food or cleaning up afterward. I just want to read the sports section. I had not thought of it in that way since I never worry about those things. “Do you think my wife might look at it the same way?”

Marie, Ashley’s friend stopped at our table to visit but left as soon as the food arrives. Marie says to Ashley, “Just what you need another role model to follow.” I thought it funny that I would be seen as a girl’s role model. Ashley did not giggle or suggest in any way that Marie had gotten it wrong.

When we were finished at the restaurant; a taxi is there to pick us up. Bridgette asks Cathy and Ashley if they want a ride back to their home. We have one-stop before getting me to work. It's at a salon, “But I thought I didn’t need to do this for a while?”

Francine asks if I want one or two earrings, so I tell her two. She shows me to a chair where she marks my ears. By two earrings I meant one on each side, but Francine understands it to mean two pairs. I soon have a diamond stud and a hoop in both ears. She places a gold double-strand necklace that sported three hoops. I like the cool feeling of the necklace on my skin. It adds a soft feminine dignified look.

The next stop is at the front door of my company. It feels strange yet thankfully new. I am glad that Bridgette accompanies me in. Instead of just walking in as I usually do. Bridgette guides us over to the receptionist. “We have an appointment to see Ms. Marilyn Watts. You can tell her Ms. Riley and Ms. Elaine Hall are here to see her.” We are told to take the third elevator to the twenty-first floor and go to Suite 2101. Mrs. Collins is there and remembers Bridgette and is very warm in welcoming me. “Ms. Hall, Ms. Lynn Watts told me you might be joining us this coming week. We will be happy to have you with us."

She took us back to Lynn’s office and introduces us.

Marilyn (Lynn) Watts stands beside her desk as we enter and walks over to Bridgette. Her smile and demeanor seem to indicate she is pleased with how I look. We sit in some chairs around a small table. Even my sitting was closely watched and thankfully I swept my skirt under me as I sat. I sat up straight until Lynn invites me to relax and sit back.

I casually cross my legs at my ankles and wanted others to speak first. Something inside motivates me to speak, “I want to thank you, Ms. Watts, for this opportunity to redeem myself and continue to work here.”

Bridgette spoke up, “Elaine relax a little, please focus on your posture.”

I knew Ms. Watts is impressed, while Bridgette says, “She’s off to a good start, but she’s a bit sensitive. Hopefully, she will gain confidence as she strives to reach her potential. She has plenty of room for growth and improvement. I can only hope she understands this will take time and effort.”

“She has good intelligence, but as you know she has had trouble playing and working with others. Her male ego thinks too highly of itself. If it has its way; it tries to use some false charm instead of sincere efforts to please others.”

Lynn Watts points to a small table with a computer; “You will be working over there on items I give you to work on. If others come in you will remain quiet and at your work. If I call you to meet someone or to meet with us, you shall do so discreetly. You are to limit your speaking to questions asked of you. Be observant and able to answer any questions I might have afterward. It will take some time for you to reach the potential and purpose I believe you have to make you valuable to this company.”

“The good news for now is I will maintain your salary at 80% where it had been only until you're proven to warrant the salary package I am holding aside for you.” I want to ask for both the title and the salary package that she is holding out to me. ‘I guess calling it good news means I would have been let go.’

“Bridgette, I want to thank you. I thought it was a little soon to expect Elaine to be here today. Will she be free to venture back to her apartment at the end of the day or will she have an escort to and from work for a while?”

“That is a good question,” Bridgette says. “I expect that she will be working until 6:00 p.m. for you regularly. You have the option to let her off earlier on rare occasions and later as needed to complete her work or in assisting you. Most professional women go the extra mile, I believe she would benefit from such a constitution. I also hope she will develop some sense of community with her co-workers.”

It wasn’t long after that Bridgette left, suggesting I look for her or Cathy at the end of the day down in the lobby.

Ms. Watts asks me to call her Lynn when we were alone, Ms. Watts or Marilyn around others. She works to get me to relax, asking simple questions like whether I picked out my own clothes or if I did my make-up. When she asks if my wife works as hard at her job as I did, I knew I'm being challenged to answer honestly.

While we often put in similar hours, it made me think. Julie has become a capable professional putting comparable hours at the office. But she also does more at home for our family as well as for work. It is not unusual for her to get up after we go to bed. The result is she is surer of herself for the beginning of a new workday as well as taking the responsibility for Robin, our daughter."

“Do I need to eat humble pie or is it enough that I understand what you are talking about,” I ask her?

Ms. Watts said, “I was not presuming anything, either way, so please explain what you were just thinking about, you and your wife as people and professionals.”

I move in a way that causes my bra to cut into me. I want to grab it and yank it off or at least straighten it out to ease the discomfort. I resist and explain, “I work hard and my wife does too. Lately, she has been taking the brunt of the responsibility at home and has been getting up half the nights to do a bit of extra work. I’m not sure how much of it is just stuff for us, or work-related. It’s probably some of both but I don’t know how much is for her job.”

Lynn asks about Julie’s pregnancy and if it caused me to take on any more responsibility? She surmises the answer. “A point I want to be understood, that type of behavior is not acceptable to me that includes at work. I don’t only want you to do your job, but to have an understanding of the workplace here and our customers as well. I want you not only to get a sale or secure a contract, but I want the atmosphere around you to change. Am I understood?”

I don’t quite get her concern for my home life, but I decide not to question her. I’m not even there at home to help anyway. I check my table as Lynn gets back to her work. She said there were two items on the table for me, but only one concerns a project we were developing for a client. The other is a magazine on the appearance of women in the workplace.

I put in a good two hours on the project and even checked with Stacy the co-worker heading up the project. I was embarrassed when I felt a need to tell her who I was. She said she needed the information I knew or could obtain for her. We even agreed to meet at 10:00 a.m. the next morning to strategize.

Come five o’clock I begin to read the article on women’s appearance in the workplace. Only a fraction of the article is about what I expected. Instead, it goes into how women are often being perceived, or how they can better communicate their ideas and contributions in the workplace.

I would have been upset to be perceived that way, but I see much of what I have been doing as a guy to discount their efforts. I wanted to slap Matt Collier when I saw him in the elevator on the way out. Matt is much like me, possibly with a bigger chip on his shoulders and less talent. But I don't want to reveal my identity to him nor do I think he would understand.

When I get home, back to the apartment that is, I called up a neighbor to where I live with Julie and Robin. I visit with their adult daughter. She's out of work and having trouble finding anyone to hire her. I ask if I can contract with her to work either two or three hours in the morning or in the afternoon to help Julie with Robin and a few chores. I tell her I am going to be gone for a while. I offer her ten dollars an hour, but soon find that is not realistic. We agree on the cost and she’ll work three hours each afternoon as Julie might find helpful. I suggest she could pick up Robin and take care of her until Julie is home at 6:00 p.m. and possibly help with a meal.

I get a phone call from Julie later that evening, saying thanks.

I'm upstairs to Bridgette and Cathy’s home and check on when we're going to eat. Cathy threw me an apron. “Put that on, Bridgette says you can help with dinner and learn to cook if you don’t know how.”

“I don’t,” I told Cathy, “ but I plan to relax and watch the news.”

“Forget that hopefully, you’ll learn to like doing some of this. If not tough. Ashley or Bridgette will help you learn after dinner how to launder your clothes and take better care of your apartment. The maid has off this week.”

I say, “Well, I guess I can help for the remainder of the week.”

Cathy laughs, “There’s no maid, and you better get familiar with carrying your load around here and at home if you get there.” ‘Why did she say ‘if’?

It is after dinner and Ashley's showing me the laundry room and how to take care of my clothes. She asks, “How is it going with your adjustment to being a girl?”

I laugh at her, “You wouldn’t understand if I tried to tell you.” She did a girl’s laugh back at me. I realize she must have seen several guys in my predicament, but it’s still not the same. I did find Ashley to be a good listener. She also tells me she had been a ‘street rat’ and that she too had to learn domestic chores.

It's almost 9:00 o’clock when Bridgette tells me, “Go put your shoes back on and change your blouse. Mama Giuseppe has been expecting you to report on how your day went.” I don’t want to go nor do I want to wear heels but they aren’t suggested. I even have to change my blouse again, not having made a good selection the first time.

On our way, I tell Bridgette the nice thing I did for Julie. All she says, “And you’re probably happy with yourself.” Well, I was and why shouldn’t I be. “I am glad you thought of it and acted on it. But will you take on more responsibility for sharing things when you get home?” The truth is I wasn’t planning to, but I know better than to say that. I'm upset with this feminist indoctrination, again I know better than to make any comment.

Mama G is happy to see us and gives us a nice table. She brings us a nice plate of cheese, bread, and a good bottle of vino. Mama sits with us and seems happy that I made it through the day and had some good experiences.

“So Elaine did my girl have a good day?” Mama asks giving a big smile and all of her attention. I couldn’t help but smile back, even though it's not my nature.

“Truthfully Mama Giuseppe it was probably a very good day but I’ll be happy when this is over. I hope we can be friends then.”

Mama says, “Elaine, relax and celebrate today; I sit with you not whoever is in such a rush. You want a rush, I put you back in the kitchen. You want a future you be with Bridgette and enjoy Elaine and learn.”

Bridgette pours our wine and lifts a glass, “Salute Mama, I couldn’t have said it better.” Bridgette’s stare lets me know I better relax. The rest of the time there goes well. I met a few other customers and get into conversations as though I am really Elaine. If I didn’t know better I would have thought I really cared about the others.

When we get back to Bridgette’s and my apartments, I'm sure if I impressed Bridgette. I know I need to impress her so I can go back to being me and still have a job. I see the time as Elaine, as one of learning how to maneuver in today’s business world and impress the women I need to work with. I do know and accept that my attitude at home needs to change drastically. I love Julie and want to keep our marriage good. I do hope that the baby will be a boy so I have someone to relate to and be normal with.

The morning comes early but I’m up; I have trouble deciding which outfit to wear and what makeup to use. When Bridgette checks to see what is taking me so long; she is amused that I have already dressed and started on my makeup three times. She likes the outfit I have on for work and suggests makeup more appropriate for daytime and work. I travel to work on my own; Jerry providing the taxi service.

Lynn seems happy when I ask permission to meet with Stacy Drummond. Stacy is ready for me and she is happy to see my ideas complement what she's doing. I am impressed that the client is being open to adjustments to make the project work. Stacy is meeting with the client this afternoon and invites me to go along. The only requirements are for me to go as Elaine and to do a lot of listening and observing and no talking.

Trina, Sophia, and Mr. Talbot are ready to approve the project and implement the whole program. One glitch is holding them back from signing. It is a sentence in the contract about who from our corporation would have oversight and be our company’s representative to them. Since the client and the project were initiated by me Dan, this part of the contract had not been correctly updated.

“Stacy, may I talk with you,” I ask?

Stacy said, “If it would help with what we are doing speak up; if not please wait until we’re back at our offices.”

“Well then I would like to ask; if Stacy Drummond is named as our company’s project manager and a representative would that make this more acceptable? We are sorry, but it was an oversight that part of the contract has not updated.” It is to their relief and my shock that I had left such a negative impression.

“Sophia had brought that oversight to our attention,” said Mr. Talbot. “If any of the ideas in this are his we are grateful. But it would adversely affect the implementing of the project if he were part of its implementation.”

I spoke again, “Our Company has become aware of peoples problems in working with him. He is undergoing an intensive retaining program. They hope that he can be open to the dramatic change that is needed if he is to stay employed with us.”

Stacy said, “I can verify that is true and a major reason why Elaine is helping me at this time.”

Sophie spoke up, “I know people can change, but I doubt that Dan Woods will be able to comprehend how difficult he has been to work with.”

Stacy turns to me, “Elaine, I hope you make note of that. We should pass that information to Vice President Marilyn Watts.”

From behind us comes Marilyn’s voice, “You will not need to relay that information, I heard it myself. So please help me if you would Sophia. You find this project would be beneficial to your corporation but that Dan’s participation would be enough to negate an agreement.”

“Ms. Watts, I’m sorry to say but yes. We tried to implement part of his plan but he was both rigid and demanding. He came across too much of our staff as demeaning them. I am not sure what your retraining of him would entail, but we’d rather he not be back as a representative to us, even if you think the retraining was successful.”

“That Elaine you can write down and make note of.” Marilyn turns to our clients, “I appreciate your help in understanding his impact upon others. We are not sure of his retraining either, but we will not have a position for him unless he makes a dramatic turnaround.”

“…I will write in Stacy Drummond’s name and initial it to make her appointment to be legal and binding on our part. Is there anything else we can do to facilitate things today?”

Sophia Rhinehart turns to Mr. Talbot and then says, “We would like Elaine Hall to be named as her associate with this project. She seems to be well versed with the project and being an associate of yours Ms. Watts, should keep us from falling off of your division’s radar in the future.”

Marilyn Watts turns to me, “Ms. Hall are you willing to take on the responsibility of Stacy’s associate on this project? I believe it would go a long way showing your value to our company.” Marilyn steps back to me and whispers, “I know I am placing you in a difficult position, but if successful it saves you a job. Being unsuccessful or declining this opportunity would limit where we can use you, It could even lead to your dismissal if other things close off as well.”

As Dan, I’ve just been shot full of buckshot, while as Elaine I’ve not only been given a stay of execution but been highly praised and rewarded. It may mean that I need to stay as Elaine longer, but it will give me the needed time to show my worth or find another job. The job market is dismal. I give a slight smile and simply say, “I would be honored.

The contract is signed and while the contract is a multi-million dollar deal in itself; it will mean much more over time. It should secure them as a customer at a higher premium for five to ten years.

Riding back to our corporate office with Stacy and Ms. Watts, I am congratulated by both. Stacy qualifies her praise, “You have secured our walking through the door, but I will personally burn all your bridges to the past and future if the old you ever shows up.”

I look to Ms. Watts, hoping Stacy will be reprimanded for quickly becoming cynical. Ms. Watts says, “I think today is a great day to celebrate. But yes, the damage that you have left in your path puts you on a short lease for acting up in the future. That said, I think we should celebrate tonight and the treat will be on me at Grangers Dinner Club. Please dress well and I will send cars to pick each of you up, say around 7:30 this evening.”

To be continued…

I was back up with Lynn Watts to her office when she turned to me. “You have the rest of the afternoon off so you can get something special to wear and hopefully to a salon.”

“Unless that is an order, I’d rather not,” I said to Lynn. “I’d rather stay here and work over-time. I did some good things and I feel like I’ve been shot with a scattered shot-gun. A little bit of praise would be nice, not some pretty hairdo and a pretty dress, I’m not your regular girl.”

“Consider it a request to work overtime then, but you still need to do as I said.” Lynn was now sitting calmly behind her desk. “If you can find such a place, purchase a different attitude and wear it tonight. You will hear my praises tonight. However, understand I am sickened by Dan’s impact on our customers. Elaine did not come across just as window dressing, nor do I have girls working for me. The new you needs a genuine change. Please know that Bridgette has been invited to come with you tonight.”

I was met by Cathy down in the lobby, so I assumed it meant she would be taking care of my hair.

Cathy spoke up, “Bridgette said, "If she is to be with you tonight she needs to work this afternoon. We will go shopping together and hopefully, I will hear from one of my friends who can fit you into her schedule. So if I say drop things; it means an appointment just came open.”

I am surprised as we are down to Fifth Avenue, stores my wife so far has only window shopped at Cathy asks for Eleanor as Bridgette recommended. We look at several dresses with me trying on a white evening dress with white satin trim. I suggest a conservative dark blue gown instead. Eleanor brings out a red dress and a silver dress both with spaghetti straps.

I chose the silver dress because the hemline of the skirt is longer, enough to make a difference. I had not realized that the skirt had pleats that gave way to revealing even more of my legs than the red dress. The top of the dress requires a strapless bra that would show too much of my breasts.

Cathy spoke, “You need at least to try it on. It doesn’t mean we will buy it. Please call me in before you come out with the dress on.”

It was enough to calm me and I took the dress to change, along with a strapless bra which was now mine. A bra here would cost more than most dresses I had so far bought. Though I have little feeling of how my breasts feel, I enjoy putting on the strapless bra. It is a little difficult to hold it in place as I reach back to hook my bra. I hooked it on the second try and the dress fits very well. If I were girly I would definitely be tempted to keep it. Heck, even as I am I like it’s feel and look.

I called Cathy in, “Is there something I need to do now?”

Cathy grins, “I wanted to make sure the seams weren’t showing before I let you step out. It looks like Bridgette bought you a very good pair of breast forms. It is impossible to tell where you end and they begin.”

She opened the door and tells me to go find the three-sided mirror. I acknowledge it is a very pretty dress. Eleanor invites me, “Please come here and step up here so I can pin it for a quick alteration.” I stepped up before I realize what I was doing.

I try to step back down but Cathy has her hands and arms up to block my movement. “It is nice Cathy that doesn’t mean I’m willing to go out in it to a special dinner. You asked me to try it, now let me change out of it.”

Cathy shows me a picture on her phone. It is me and there is a message I can’t see to read. “Don’t tell me you already sent a picture to Bridgette. What’s the message?”

“I sent the picture to Lynn Watts. She says you look very beautiful in it. She is looking forward to dinner with you.” I was sure Cathy would not be that cruel even if she had Lynn’s number. “So did you send it to Bridgette?”

Cathy first spoke to Eleanor and then to me, “Elaine, please be careful but quickly change back into your outfit.” I was pleased to oblige.

Jerry met us at the door of the store as Cathy gave him an address. It was for a beautician up near Fordham University. “We are very fortunate, I think you will love what she does with hair.”

We are on the third floor of a building where I will get to look out over the campus. Marie Franz greets me, quickly looking at my hands and running her fingers through my hair. “Who did the job of coloring and adding extensions?” Before either of us answers, she says, “They did a very nice job. Why didn’t she finish the job?”

Cathy giggled lightly, “I worked on her hair the first time, but I wanted her to have the experience of coming to a salon and having this experience. I just thought it would be another week or two.”

“O, is this one of Bridgette’s girls, she is a natural isn’t she?”

I wanted to bark back, ‘No she isn’t!’ I did show some attitude and that I was not pleased.

“Calm down Honey, I meant that as a compliment. Now quickly look through this magazine and pick a style or look, or I’ll have Cathy choose for you,” Marie said with matching an attitude. I quickly glanced through a dozen pages but it was my third time back to a page when Marie points to the style I turned back too. “Is this the one catching your eye? I think it will look very nice on your.”

“I didn’t say yes, I’d rather not have a perm,” I said. “Listen to me, I want something simple. I don’t care about looking very sophisticated or special.”

Cathy says, “Shush, you went back there a third time for a reason. You are correct it will be a very good look that will do for work as well as your celebration out tonight.”

Marie asks, “Cathy is it alright if I cut some to get the look she wants? …Do you have a swatch or a picture of her dress for tonight?” I didn’t know what a swatch was until Cathy pulled out a piece of cloth from the silver dress I had tried on. She also showed her a picture of me in the dress. “O that will be a big help. We will go with a soft look with her makeup.”

I said, “But we are not getting that dress. We left it to come here.”

Marie looked to Cathy to confirm it was the dress I’d be wearing tonight.

I couldn’t believe so many curlers and Bobbi pins in my hair as Marie places me under a hairdryer. Cathy sits next to me but it takes a few minutes before I begin to understand what she is saying. I don’t understand all of what she is saying, but I know the dress will be waiting for us at the apartment. I am not to mess up my makeup nor do anything to chip or scratch my nails. My choice for shoes and hand purse is between red, with black sparkling trim.

Marie has given me a soft look with my makeup; somehow she has lightened my complexion. My cheeks and lips look delicate but with a warm pink glow. I would never have thought of this look but I am now anxious to see how I will look when I am dressed for tonight.

Jerry casually smiles as we leave the salon. He tells Cathy that my dress is already home as are the shoes and clutch purse.

There are actually three pairs of red shoes, two that fit rather well. I am taken by the fact I have a definite choice of the two for tonight. It is five thirty and I need to wait a full hour before Bridgette will let me get dressed.

Ashley has poked to see the bra and panty set I will be wearing. I did not know there was a panty to go with the bra. Ashley retrieves it and shows me the delicate satin and lace trim that is around the waist, legs and designed into the panty. She says, “I hope it isn’t wasted on you. I expect it should feel as wonderful as it looks.”

I was about ready to give my opinion when Bridgette walks into the room. “You would do well to listen to Ashley and seek to enjoy your experience. Lynn Watts believes in you, it is time you begin to see your better side and embrace it.”

“It sounds like you are quite intelligent and have a good eye in seeing how to make things work when you want to,” Bridgette says.

I begin telling her, “Dah, I believe I am a few years older than you. What makes you think I don’t already know that?”

Bridgette gives me a look, “It is not a matter if you know it. It is the attitude with which you are carrying it. Seemingly, Lynn is still hoping you will celebrate the accomplishments tonight along with her appreciation. It sounds like she also had her eyes open to how ugly your male persona comes across. I would appreciate hearing your take on that!”

I have a woman’s housecoat on as Bridgette hands me a cup of tea and we go off for a heart-to-heart chat. The discussion goes better than I thought as Bridgette drew some positive insights out of me.

It is time to get dressed and Bridgette asks Cathy to help me as she too needs to finish getting ready. It is embarrassing to be in my panties and bra and needing to dress with someone’s help. But there is a definite difference after I put on the dress. Cathy helps to make sure it is on properly. I am uncomfortable with how much of my breasts are showing. But as I stand properly in the shoes, I notice how my posture changes my appearance. I focus on how I appear to others. Bridgette hands me a wrap for the evening and a feeling engulfs me.

I am mindful how I get into the Cadillac, Ms. Watts picks us up in. I work to present myself as someone she can be proud of. I am between Lynn and Bridgette and do my part to keep up the conversation. It feels different as a woman for someone to hold the door whether it is to the car or as we enter the upscale nightclub. I have only rarely seen people sitting in the section where we are now. ‘I did have a client I hosted once, but I was preoccupied with pleasing the b* *d.’

Neither Stacy nor Lynn treat me with any disdain or bring up my attitude from earlier in the day. The hostess tells us, “Dinner will continue to be served until nine tonight. Then there will be music for your dancing pleasure until ten. The singers will then be performing and they will also be back just before midnight. Please enjoy your evening with us.”

Most of the praise goes to Stacy as it rightly should. What Lynn says speaks volumes to how observant she is. I am not usually easily impressed by those over me, but I am especially awestruck with Lynn Watts. While I too have seen Stacy’s work I’ve not given her half the credit I should have given. I have usually seen her as my competition, never as someone, I could learn from.

Tonight something causes me to realize she is more of an asset. I am a little suspicious about her being nice to me, but I could say the same for Lynn or Bridgette. I know Bridgette is being paid good money to help me. I have seen such consultants go through the motions and milk a company for as much as they can get. Bridgette like the other two women has caused me to take notice; not only with what she is getting me to do but the generally positive way she’s going about it.

Bridgette’s advice is usually simple, to the point and allows me room to make good decisions. I ordered a lemon whitefish entre, with wild rice and broccoli. No dinner here is simple, the flavors are to savor. After dinner, Bridgette invites me to go to the ladies room. She reminds me to take my time and to make sure I am back together properly before I come back to the sink. I am not used to having an attendant nor am I sure how much to do on my own. Bridgette compliments me on doing well as we go back out.

Lynn and Stacy are gone when we get back to the table. Our waitress indicates they have been asked to dance and are on the dance floor. Two men come to our table and ask us for a dance. I wanted to say I’m married but Bridgette is too. I confess to one man, “I am not a good dancer.

Bridgette looks to my would-be partner and says, “You are so warned.”

I cannot believe I am soon on a dance floor in the arms of another man. I am even more surprised by how well I do in following his lead. We danced through three songs and I was even making conversation with Edward Shannon. We stayed for the show. They are not national names but sing regularly around the top nightclubs of New York City.

The last glass of wine is getting to me and it makes a second trip to the ladies room a necessity. This time Lynn went with me. She complimented how well I had relaxed and enjoyed the evening. “I confess, I did not plan to do so. Even after Bridgette encouraged me as you had, I was set to do otherwise. I am not sure what happened to change me. Between being dressed up as I am and the way I am being treated I kind of enjoyed the evening.”

Once we are back to Bridgette’s and she’s with me in my apartment, I again regret being dressed up as a woman. Like Dan, I would have crashed on my bed and wake up in the morning. Now I needed to carefully take off my dress and hang it properly. I wasn’t sure how, but Bridgette helped me. I was soon down to my panty and bra taking off my makeup and moisturizing my face. Bridgette helped me to pin up my hair and told me to carefully take a shower.

I did most everything myself, but I would have done little correctly if she hadn’t guided me. We talked about the evening. The conversation just flowed like two women. I was in a nightgown and not sure how much of myself I had shown to Bridgette or how many times. I felt her hand carefully caress my cheek as I laid my head down to sleep. “Good night Elaine, I will see you in the morning.”

Lynn said I did not need to be in until 10:00 a.m. I was up shortly after 6:00 a.m. knowing better than to take until 10:00 a.m. to get to work. I had a cup of tea in my apartment before I was fully dressed and made-up. I went up to the kitchen upstairs.

Cathy complimented me on my effort and after another cup of tea and a light breakfast, she escorted me downstairs. A sober look into the mirror and I set about to redress myself and redo my makeup.

It was 8:30 a.m. before I was to work and Lynn’s office. Her secretary told me, “Ms. Watts was in late this morning at 7:30. She said, "you were excused until 10:30. I was told to tell you if you came early to go down Ms. Hadley’s office and to take your tablet.”

Ms. Hadley is an associate in the accounting department. I was sure that Ms. Watts was looking into an idea I had shared with her. It was to bring our accounting system and materials for our division's operations in sync.

Snags in the system had caused delays in bringing new programs online as well as having more bugs that needed to be worked out. Luckily I had come early because Ms. Hadley had noticed Dan’s work in Ms. Watts’s explanation. It took a sincere apology from me to gain Ms. Hadley’s acceptance. I did not like another person knowing my true identity. But she also knew Ron before and after he had been helped by Bridgette.

Lynn could not force the implementation of needed changes on Pat Hadley. But her understanding and taking time to communicate with Pat achieved what force would not have accomplished. My delight was the systematic changes that would be helpful went from wishful thinking to becoming possible. It would take a good week to iron out the mechanics on both sides, but Lynn’s attitude and clout made it all possible.

I worked with Pat up to lunchtime and went to lunch with her. I had not known Pat was Julie’s friend Patricia. I was both pleased and embarrassed at the same time showing up to see Julie sitting with a co-worker to eat lunch with us. And here I was dressed all nice and pretty.

It was awkward as we needed to act like old friends instead of husband and wife. I was sure Julie was equally surprised by how I listened and took interest in the conversation. When it came time to go back to work Julie took me aside.

She said, “Bridgette said we could come over tomorrow afternoon for a few hours if you say it is okay. She said we would need to spend at least half the time doing something like shopping, going to a park with Robin or have you read or do puzzles with Robin.”

I wanted to cry and was ready to, but Julie encouraged me. “You are likely to be away longer than one would like. While you might be embarrassed, you need to put Robin’s needs ahead of your own comfort. If she can benefit from visits with you, I believe we could do them more often.” ‘It was different as Julie helped me to put Robin first.’

I went back to work with Pat Hadley saying, “She (Julie) must be really proud of you finally taking responsibility for your actions. Did she compliment about the pretty young woman you are? It didn’t look like it turns her off to you.” I hadn’t thought of that possibility.

I stayed with Pat another hour and a half working on our project. Pat seemed to have an interest in introducing me to others as a co-worker. She told Sally and Margaret, “Elaine is being specially trained and working with Marilyn Watts.” Sally did not understand.

Margaret came over to me and whispered, “That means you need to be a good girl, doesn’t it.”

I worked back in Lynn’s office the rest of the day. Lynn had three contracts needing to be sent out, several events for the coming week to be confirmed along with proper registrations and accommodations being made. All this I was expected to get done like I was another one of the women in our division.

I am to travel with Lynn Tuesday through Thursday maybe longer, which meant acquiring an emergency passport and vaccinations.

One doctor insisted if I am to be identified as a woman on my passport that I needed to be on a testosterone blocker and a mild female hormone prescription. It most probably was not true, but I needed the doctor’s signature to validate my passport. The medical student giving me the shot stated, “Neither shot is that significant. You can reverse the program as early as Monday with your own doctor’s consent.”

The shots were given and all the proper signatures were sent in for the passport. I could have signed my life away for all I knew. Come six o’clock, I was done for the week.

I was back to my apartment by 6:45 p.m. and I was down in a rocker with my heels off as quickly as possible. I did, not care if I ate or not, I wanted out of my skirt, panties and bra. The door to upstairs had a knock and I heard Bridgette requesting me to come up and help with dinner. The shrimp was already being prepared, I needed to rinse the salad and set the table.

Five places to be set means we have a guest. Ashley says, “Melanie is special to each of us; she’s my grandmother even though she’s not technically related.”

I made the mistake of saying she was a ‘sweet little (old) lady’ and she heard it. She fired back at me, “I can see why someone (Cathy) said that Bridgette got a real work of art this time.” We casually greeted one another, and as we hugged Melanie stuttered as something struck her.

Melanie says, “Woe, contrary to the ignorance of your words, something tells me that your heart and life are open to the change.”

I sought to build on what she said, without the sincerity. “Yes, I hope that Bridgette will see that I am going the extra mile needed to change my life around. It is a must if I am to keep my job as well as to improve my marriage.”

Ashley enthusiastically says, “Maybe you can have Melanie kind of pray over you and help your spirit as she did with me last Christmas.”

I said, “Sure I would be open to that. I just hope I won’t fall asleep. It is been a long day and I suspect I still have dishes to do after dinner.”

The wine along with the fish was getting the best of me and I barely made it through doing the dishes. Bridgette invited me to stay up with them and visit in their lounge. It is a real liberated house which I am not at all use to. Cathy into the sixth month of her pregnancy is beautiful to many except to me. I have digressed back to my old self.

Ashley continues to insist that Melanie do her thing over me until Melanie and Bridgette decide to give in. I suffer the humility of being asked to lay out on the floor. Somehow Melanie is limber enough to kneel next to me and my head is laying in the fertile lap of Cathy with Bridgette, she was across from Melanie and Ashley. The doorbell rings and Ashley’s friend Ryta is quickly in the circle around me. I bite my tongue wanting this over and done.

I calmly close my eyes and soon feel Melanie anoint my lips and my eyes. She even opens my blouse to anoint my heart as she asks, “Sophia open Elaine’s mind and soften the spirit of this child to receive your wisdom and be created anew.” I could feel a breeze as Ryta must have left the door open a crack. I am getting nervous as the time goes on. I am unusually warm with all the women around me and their hands on me.

Cathy’s warm palms and finders are on my cheeks caressing my jaw; it’s so soothing I am in danger of falling asleep. Melanie begins to talk, “O great Spirit sooth the restless spirit of this one and let her soul be open to change. Let Dan see Elaine not as camouflage to needed change but a channel to something genuine. Let her not be as window dressing, let the spirit and not the clothes or makeup be the core of her substance. Yet help her to become comfortable with her adornment.”

Part of me wants to scream, ‘I’m not Elaine, not ‘her’.’ But I can’t speak and I relax for them to have their time. It somehow feels nice to be perceived as feminine yet stronger. I have never been attuned to my feelings. There is a joy in receiving their attention. I know I am not in danger of becoming a woman but it is comforting to get the attention of women as old as Melanie, as young as Ashley and her friend. The attention Bridgette and Cathy are giving me attention is especially appreciated.

Melanie asks, “Elaine please look to Cathy.” I am staring up to Cathy. “Relax and look upon her as a sister and you being in the sisterhood with Cathy and the women in your life. Your family, those with whom you work and your friends, seek to be accepting and desire to be seen in their community. Do you want this Elaine?”

Without hesitation I reply, “O yes, I think it would be a beautiful gift.” There is a long pause and I desire confirmation that I am being heard. “Please, I so want to be accepted as a sister. Is there something else I need to say or do?” Cathy kisses her hand and brings it down to my cheek. I begin to tear as well as smile, “I’m sorry, I am not usually emotional like this but I thank you.” I see other hands come, to caress my face.

“Close your eyes Elaine, picture Robin and Julie happy for you and them. The journey takes time, treasure them in your heart and embrace the importance of the journey.” With Julie and Robin pictured in my heart, I am lost in time. I wake and I am still lying where I was, but my head is on a pillow and a quilt is now keeping me warm. Cathy and Bridgette are in the candle lit room. The window indicates time has passed and we are in the darkness of the night, I suspect after 2:00 a.m.

Bridgette invites me, “You can get up and sit with us for a while if you’d like.” I sit up making sure I am dressed enough not to embarrass them or me. I get up and sit next to Cathy who puts an arm around me. I feel my right pinky finger. There is a small simple ring there. “Ashley hopes you will like it. It is a friendship ring.”

“I am sorry, I fell asleep, and hopefully it wasn’t too embarrassing.”

Bridgette said, “We saw it to mean that you were comfortable enough to relax. We saw it as a good thing. Are you saying you wished it hadn’t happened?”

“No, you’re right I relaxed, but the last thing I remembered was wanting Julie and Robin to be happy with me. I so want them to be proud about what I’m doing. I’m afraid, I will disappoint them when I see them tomorrow. In my dream they smiled and were happy to see me.”

Cathy smiled, “It sounds like you have turned a corner and being Elaine helps you to accept the warm, kinder side of you.” I turned quickly, straining and giving Cathy a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m sorry, that is not like me, but I liked the thought and wanted you to know it. I don’t know what overcame me.” Bridgette was in front of me extending her two hands. I took hold and stood up and asked if it was okay to give her a hug. She smiled, “Yes, I would like that.” We hugged and I felt like another woman giving her a hug.

I said, “Would you mind if I went down to my room and got ready for bed? I want to be ready for tomorrow.”…

To be continued…

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I woke first at 6:00 a.m. and tried to will myself back to sleep. I stirred and finally got up at 6:35, I made some coffee and turned on the radio. In another few minutes, Ashley was knocking at the door to upstairs. I still had on my nightgown so I grabbed my robe and let her into my apartment.

Ashley was bright-eyed, hugging a cup of tea and curling up on the sofa as we sat having a girl talk. “You looked so beautiful last night; I hope you weren’t angry with me for making you the center of our attention. …I hope you don’t go back to your ugly self. It takes some adjustment to have a girl’s spirit.”

I asked, “And what would you know about the adjustment are you saying girls have to adjust as well?”

“I was a street rat,” she said. “Mom took me in or I was going to prison as an adult.” It was hard to believe the lively teen girl across from me could have come from the streets. She does not look as tough as she must have been. Ashley spoke again, “I remember when Cathy shampooed my hair and tried to make me look like an ordinary girl. There wasn’t one inside, you know what that feels like.”

“Mom isn’t expecting you to become or stay a woman, but Elaine’s spirit will probably need to stay if you’re not to go back to the stinking guy you can be.” It is dawning on me that Bridgette probably asked Ashley to bounce down here and help with reprograming me.

I spoke up with a little attitude creeping in, “So, your Mom asked you to come down here and give me a little pep talk to start my day?”

Ashley turns an angry red, “O what’s your name that upsets me! In your stinkin’ thinkin’ you would think about my Mom doing something like that! I came down because I heard your radio and we’re the only ones up. I’m sorry to disturb you.” Ashley is up and setting her cup down to leave. “But if you try to hurt my Mom, you will see this Street Rat tear you apart!”

I am up and blocking her route to the door. “No, please don’t go. Forgive me, please. I’m sorry, as you say it’s the way I see things.” We are almost nose to nose but not touching as we both begin to relax. We both had our hands up to stop the other and it is awkward. Part of me is afraid of offending Ashley and how her mother would respond to it.

She smiles just a little, “Are you really sorry, or saying it because I’m upset?”

I tell her, “No, I’m proud of you. I could see my daughter defending her Mom like that too. Her Mom, Julie is a remarkable woman, but I’m kind of frightened what Robin’s going to think of me like this.”

I can see Ashley look at me, thinking what a young girl might think of her father dressed as I am. She smiles a little more. “Sit and tell me where your brush is. We can talk as I help get you ready.” She walked into the bathroom and came out with my brush and comb. She starts to brush my hair as she begins to talk again. I’m sitting up in a kitchen chair. I was afraid she might brush hard, but she’s gentle. I can see her reflection in the mirror; she knows what she is doing.

Once she’s done, she asks, “Pink, red or cranberry?” I’m not sure what she’s asking about. “For your nails and lips today? I think if you present yourself well it will be easier on her. If my dad was dressed as a girl, I wouldn’t want him looking like a drag queen.”

I say, “It would be better if I were myself.”

“Well until your old self changes, I don’t think that will happen. Dressing as a guy too soon would probably be scary for your wife, especially if you went back to being your old self. Your daughter probably even knows better,” Ashley says.

I am not used to a teenager being so frank yet without a big attitude. I’m sitting at the kitchen table as she redoes my nails in the cranberry red. She has me walk with her to my closet as the nails are drying. She pulls out two skirts saying, “These are casual enough you can be active and attractive when you go out.”

I say, “The one I like is shorter.”

“Good choice, you have the legs for the skirt. All we need do now is pick out what to wear with it. This would look good with a cami underneath it.” I pick one of the camis that would go with everything. Ashley approves my choice. “Why don’t you change and then we can go upstairs together. If you’d like me to help with your makeup later, I’ll be willing.”

I can’t help but giggle a little as she closes the door. Here a girl thirteen years my junior is helping me to dress as another woman. I’ve pulled out a fresh set of panties and bra. Being a delicate pastel blue, they won’t show through the clothes. If they are seen they won’t stand out inappropriately. I use just enough makeup to be presentable upstairs.

Ashley waited and we went up together. Ryta had been waiting not sure where Ashley was, though Cathy had already guessed she was down with me. Cathy says, “You know Ashley, she needs to learn to do things herself.”

“She has a daughter coming, so I thought it would be good for Elaine to put her best face forward. If my Dad were to dress as a woman, seeing him looking like a man in a dress would be scary. Robin will see Elaine enough times in the future that Elaine will be responsible for how she looks to her daughter.”

I had thought they were coming at 1:00 o’clock, so I was surprised when my doorbell rang at 11:30. I was afraid to open the door once I knew it was them but Bridgette insists I don’t keep them waiting.

Robin looked to make sure it was me and then ran and hugged me. “Daddy, can you lift me for a kiss and a hug?” I did and it felt good that she still liked me as I am. She pulled back in my arms, “Daddy did you know you make a pretty Daddy.”

Julie looked at me and then gave me a hug and a kiss. Robin says, “Mommy does it seem funny to hug a girly Dad and kiss him with lipstick on?” I look, waiting for Julie’s answer.

“Yes it is the first time I kissed Elaine; I can get accustomed to it if it helps. So, Honey, did you get dressed up on your own or did you have help?”

Bridgette interrupted, “Elaine please set the table for two more and I’ll introduce your wife and daughter.” I wanted to argue, but I knew better. I could hear Robin say, “Daddy doesn’t help at home.”

Bridgette says, “He better in the future. I think this time being like a woman will help your Daddy in many ways. Would you mind, if he helps at home from now on?”

“Will he always look like a Mommy, or can he look like a regular Daddy?” she asks? She pauses… “He makes a pretty Mommy and I think it will be okay if he acts like a mommy. He needs to realize I already have a mommy. He can never take her place.”

We still had ten minutes before lunch so I took Robin and Julie to show them my apartment. When we were done, Julie sent Robin back up to Bridgette’s and closed the door. We hugged and she kisses me again. “I’d be more passionate but I don’t want to mess your makeup.”

My touch and hugs were gentler and I was afraid how that came across. So I asked. Julie said, “If it means you will be more sensitive when we make love, part of me would welcome the change. I think we’ll find a new reality, I don’t want Dan to go away.”

I relaxed and enjoyed lunch and the afternoon with Robin and Julie. I had bought a doll and some story books on Thursday for Robin. I took them when we walked to the park. Robin played with the doll a little and sat in my lap when I read from the book. It was four when we were back from a park. I was sad that the time passed so quickly.

Bridgette came down to the apartment as it was time for Julie and Robin to leave. “We will take Robin for up to two hours. Why don’t you take some time as Elaine and be affectionate to your wife.”

I was surprised when we went to my bedroom to see two negligees. Julie insisted I change with her. We didn’t make love in the traditional sense nor was the focus as usual; Julie making sure I was happy. It had been years since I had worked to please her. It wasn’t that I didn’t know how, but as Elaine even that was different. Several times I worried I was exciting a pregnant woman too much. Julie insisted I wasn’t and even urged me to be more affectionate. I actually found myself enjoying bringing Julie pleasure. She showed me, on me, where the erogenous zones of a woman were. Some are sensitive to a man as well just not as sensitive. Seemingly Bridgette had communicated to Julie some time ‘not to please the man when I appear as Elaine.’

I was a horny man yet a very happy person tonight.

Sunday Bridgette, Cathy and I went to a social club that catered mostly to lesbians. Bridgette informed me that Cathy and she would continue to do things that were meaningful to them. I saw myself as the unusual one as only about twenty to twenty-five percent of us were in a skirt or dress. I asked, “Do you think there are other men dressed like me?”

Cathy said, “Maybe there will be two or three during the course of the evening. There will probably be more men straight and gay here, be it as individuals or as couples.” Before I asked why, she asked me, “Just relax and see if you figure out why they might come here to enjoy a night out.” Several times when Bridgette and Cathy danced I was asked to dance soon afterward.

I told one woman, Jesse, that I was married, “That is okay, I will honor that.” She continued to hold out her hand and I got up and danced with her. She sat down with us when Cathy and Bridgette were back sitting down. During the evening there were times that there were six of us visiting. An older couple came over and thanked Cathy and Bridgette for helping them to accept their daughter and her wife. Their daughter was finishing her doctorate at the University of Columbia. Beth also thanked them, “I appreciate it, it has been easier studying having my parents love and support.”

Beth talked to Cathy about her pregnancy. I was caught off guard when she turned to me and asked, “Would you consider carrying a child instead of your wife?” The question first seemed completely strange if not extremely funny. But instead of laughing or discounting the idea, it caused me to think.

After Beth left, Bridgette commented, “You have changed enough to consider that in your mind haven’t you?” She was correct, it did have me thinking new thoughts.

The last person to ask me to dance this evening caused me to think again. Hank’s name was really Hans. It surprised me when he asked me to dance. It was a faster dance and I decided to give it a try. The next dance was slower and when Hank pulled me to him I did not resist or say, ‘no’. I rested my head on his shoulder. Once when I looked up to him he kissed me, we kissed. I could feel he was excited to be with me. Come to the end of the dance he hugged and gave me a big kiss. The hardest part was I liked being loved.

Cathy and Bridgette had a very enjoyable night and I could tell they hoped it wasn’t over when we got back to their house. I felt bad when Bridgette gave Cathy a light kiss and said, “Don’t wait up for me. Elaine and I need to have a good visit.”

I began to apologize as soon as we were alone in my apartment. Bridgette asked me, “Please be quiet and listen for a moment and respond only to my questions.” I tried to speak but she placed a finger over my lips. “Please be seated, Elaine. Have you had trouble being loved?”

I wanted to laugh, “If anything I have kind of easily always gotten what I wanted. Having sex with women has never been that hard. If anything, the only problem I’ve had is being satisfied.” Whatever she was thinking I was sure I blew her theory.

Bridgette’s expression didn’t change, “Getting sex, having what you want and acting boss do not equal being loved. I have no trouble believing Julie loves you, but do you feel loved.” Bridgette allows the room to go quiet and remain quiet. I begin to cry as I think of Hank having kissed me. ‘Did it feel like being loved? I remember I was angry because I liked the feeling.’

“You just said, Julie loves me, so why are you asking if I feel loved,” I ask. The truth is, I have quietly cried myself to sleep since I was a little kid. Finally, I answer, “You seemingly already know the answer is no. I do know Julie loves me. I was taught men just demand it but that doesn’t feel like love. It only feels like I won, I don’t think that is the same.” I begin to cry uncontrollably and Bridgette breaks her professionalism and pulls me to her and lets me cry on her.

I don’t know how long I cried, I open my eyes and Cathy is now with us. “I know it’s wrong but it feels kind of nice to be Elaine.”

Bridgette asks, “Did part of you hope he would make love to you?” Without a pause, I said, “I know it was wrong, but yes.”

“Elaine, I think that you wanted to be loved. If you will be patient I think you will feel love.”

“It hasn’t done any good trying to get people to love me. I’ve tried really hard.”

Bridgette strokes my back, “You’re right you can’t make people love you, because even when they have done it, you don’t feel it.”

I ask, “Then how will it ever happen?”

I’m sure Cathy wasn’t to speak but, “You’re loved right now.” I went silent, I felt Bridgette stroking my back, and I could feel Cathy’s hand on my shoulder. Then I felt the warmth of Bridgette’s touch. I could feel it, it wasn’t the same as Julie’s. I remembered the day before being with Julie. The joy I felt then wasn’t the joy of making love to Julie. I remember the feeling of her loving me and I didn’t even have intercourse with her.

I heard myself humming and I hugged Bridgette more but I felt it. Bridgette quietly asked in a soft voice, “What is happening?”

“I can feel that you love me and even more I just felt Julie’s love from yesterday.”

I hear the bath water running, but the sound is muffled. Bridgette tells me Cathy has begun running bath water for me. She wants me to take a relaxing bath but to let the door remain open a little. It was a bubble bath and by the time I’m finished Bridgette is in a nightgown with a blanket around her. Cathy had the sofa made up; Bridgette says she will sleep there tonight.

I was wearing teddy bear pajamas and my robe. It is hard not to see how beautiful Bridgette is as we talk. “Elaine, you are becoming a very beautiful woman. There seems to be a glow about you. Are you more comfortable now?”

“Yes thank you, I am thankful how much you and Cathy helped me tonight.”

Bridgette took me to my bed and had me lay down. “What do you think it meant when I hoped Hank would make love to me? I remembered times when I wished Julie and I could trade places so she could make love to me.”

Bridgette asked, “Did you feel like Julie expressed love to Elaine yesterday?”

“How do you know those things or are you just guessing?” We talked but I was sleepy and soon fell asleep. I dreamed that Bridgette kissed me on the forehead and pulled my blankets up around me. I knew sometime during the night Bridgette checked on me and said, “You’re alright, don’t worry. You’re safe, you can go back to sleep.” I knew she stayed with me until I fell back to sleep.

There was light coming through the window when I heard Bridgette ask for me to wake up. “Elaine, I called to Lynn she knows you will be late. It was seven o’clock in the morning; Dan could make it work on time, but as Elaine, it will take you longer.” I feel fantastic. I pick a turquoise skirt suit. I selected everything and did my makeup as well.

I tried getting my hair right but needed to ask Cathy’s help. The baby kicked as she helped me and she let me feel the baby moving in her. It was a joyous feeling. I knew I had touched Julie when she was pregnant with Robin, but the times with this pregnancy were few.

Bridgette rode with me in Jerry’s cab. She told the receptionist that she had an appointment with Ms. Marilyn Watts. I said I would take her up. When she checked for my name she found me listed as Ms. Watts’ Administrative Assistant. She congratulated me on my new position.

When we got to the office on the twenty-first floor; I had to work. Lynn complimented how I looked this morning. When I said thanks, she asked what special happened this weekend. “It was a number of things, I’m not sure we have the time or you really want to hear it.”

Lynn and Bridgette left the office to meet without me. I had enough work to keep busy.

I had a text from Ashley, wishing me well. I soon had one from Julie asking me to lunch the following day. I text back that I had a two day trip as Lynn’s assistant.

During work, Lynn talks with me often; hearing about Julie wanting to do lunch tomorrow as well as Lynn informing me at length about our trip to Baltimore and then Naples, Florida. “If your wife has some free time this afternoon, I give you permission to take time to visit with her. Consider it a late lunch. I like women, workers to be mindful of their families.”

“Isn’t that a bit sexist,” I ask?

Lynn smiles, “I call it a conditioned response. Nine out of ten times it is a woman worker who is thinking about family needs. I experience guys even at work are more concerned with drinking buddies and their fantasy leagues.”

I say to her, “I will contact Julie and I appreciate your sensitivity.” I can feel anger building in me. I caught myself before I blew up with a customer or another worker. I call Bridgette, feeling like an alcoholic calling his AA sponsor. Before I knew it I blew up with Bridgette. It was extra embarrassing as Lynn heard me.

Julie was able to meet come 2:30 p.m. She complimented how I handled myself on Saturday and called to find out if I would be comfortable going with her to Lamaze classes when it came closer to her due time.

This time I was angry at myself. It was evident that I would still be Elaine. It felt more important this time to be with Julie. I had been too busy when Robin was coming. I had agreed to things then but was usually a ‘no show’ including being too late to take Julie to the hospital. There is even now a small resentment about being there for Julie, but for the first time, I realize why I’m feeling such.

As Elaine and a Dad, I am feeling excited and happy to be with Julie. It took an added effort to convince Julie that I would follow through. She was noticeably touched when I handed her a small gift of bath salts and bath oils. Julie was helpful, sharing with Elaine all I should be packing for the trip. The idea of a swimsuit or evening dresses were things Elaine had not thought of, neither was a second purse or different shoes and so on.

Julie was happy to tell Elaine, “Remember as Marilyn’s assistant you should be prepared with extras like a sewing kit, tampons, and pads, pantyhose, a fresh tube of lipstick and matching nail polish. Find out if she plays golf or what she might be doing with her clients that might suggest other things to be ready for.”

As Elaine, I remembered the magazine article on communication and how it means much more for the professional woman. Elaine spoke up, “That will cost me an extra piece of luggage, and the company won’t reimburse me for that.”

Julie says, “I’ve already budgeted for it. It is important that you show you are growing in your sensitivity and thoughtfulness. Lynn has already gone the extra steps for you.” I knew she was right and I was happy she had been sympathetic.

Julie took an extra fifteen minutes with me to get some of the things we talked about. I was surprised that Lynn did not bark about the extra time I took. Lynn and I worked until 8:00, doing things for the office here. We both had things to do tonight in preparation for our trip.

I continue to be impressed by Ashley Riley as she is out to help me again. Tonight she asked if I’m taking a steamer for my outfits. She explains how important it can be as I’m expected to keep up my appearance.

I tried to pay her for loaning me her steamer, but she was offended. Cathy felt the need to take me aside as Bridgette was working with others. “Elaine, when are you going to step back and realize the value friendship is more than money? You for one could benefit from considering the possibility for yourself.”

“I just tried to be fair about things, mind your own business,” I told her. I could see Ashley was surprised, I hoped it was about Cathy.

Cathy got in my path and said, “Sit and please be quiet until I collect my cool.” I was there five to ten minutes and I was ready to get up and go back to my apartment. I had plenty yet to do. Cathy sat across from me. I could tell she was calmer than before. “Elaine, let me rephrase things. I know you meant well. Ashley didn’t want you to pay for what she offered to lend you. She had already said ‘No’ three times and she was upset that you didn’t accept her answer. Can you think of another way you could have responded?”

“I’m sure it couldn’t have been three times, but even if it was I was the adult. I think she should have accepted what I wanted to do.”

Cathy spoke calmly, “How else could you have responded?”

She causes me to step back and consider what was being said, “I guess I could have said thank you. I could have told her, I will look for a way to return the favor.” I was still upset until Cathy and Ashley both smiled and together said, “That would have been better.”

Ashley says, “I’m fifteen and it didn’t come easily to treat others as a friend. It hurts that you still think you’re better than me. You discount me.” I try to say my piece but she puts a finger over her lips. I sense she doesn’t want my words one way or another other.

I smile and softly say, “Thank you, I will try to listen better.”

Ashely asks, “Can I help you pack or would you prefer to do it by yourself?”

I was tempted to opt for being self-sufficient, but I don’t pack well as Dan and I am not sure how to pack for my feminine self. “I am sure I could use your help. I’d be thankful if you would.” Ash made sure it was okay with Cathy. Cathy asked us to let her know if we needed her help.

Ashley sometimes was like her Mom Bridgette; she got me to consider taking more panties than days I was to be away, even different styles. Some that would be better for a snug outfit. She encouraged me to take extra hangers that would be helpful in hanging my clothes. I had already forgotten that Lynn told me to take two outfits for each working day. She had me include an extra outfit for the evening. One was an evening dress for an especially nice night out and another for a company dinner or with executives. “Mom says you are to dress well but not to out-dress Ms. Watts or the women there. She says it is not good business.”

Cathy came to the apartment and excused Ashley saying she would like to talk to me alone, but she asked Ashley to keep the door open slightly. “Elaine, we’re going to talk about a sensitive subject. Bridgette asked if she wasn’t back by now for me to visit with you.

I turned on some water to heat up for tea. Then I sat to listen. “You need to consider how you are going to react if someone is attracted and is wanting you to respond in kind. It will likely start out with someone complementing on how nice you look. …It will be best if you just acknowledge the comment but minimize any personal response. If you tell them you are married they might invite you to say more than you are prepared to. If you tell them you are single, men especially might see that as an opening to approach you. You might not think of yourself as an attractive woman, but others will.”

“The person or people Lynn is relating to might have associates that will relate more to you. Your behavior will be a reflection on Lynn as well. If their boss can’t fluster her, they might try to water down her position through working with you. Bridgette says you do well to keep track of what is important to Lynn. You are to remember to address her or to talk about her as Marilyn, Ms. Watts or even your division’s CEO.”

I thank Cathy, “Bridgette reminded me yesterday as Lynn’s assistant I am going as a team member, her subordinate and not as a decision maker. I think she thinks that could be hard for me.”

Cathy checked what I had packed and suggested I wait until morning to close my luggage. I was still up doing work preparing for the trip when Bridgette finally came to visit me. I received mostly compliments, but a few questions about whether Elaine’s discipline was enough to keep old habits in check. We both knew, only time would tell.

I was surprised that the corporate executives, we were meeting with in Baltimore were with a corporation based out of three cities up and down the east coast. They were looking for the system I had helped to develop to replace theirs that they have a world class competitor. They were correct that our system could actually serve them better. Their present systems company was not willing to adapt their system to this industrial customer.

I was impressed with Lynn’s preparation. She knew which of our systems was closest to meeting the need and she narrowed down our field program experts who could refine the program. Stacy would have been a fine choice if she had not just been committed. I could have been a good choice if I could be trusted to follow through. I am guessing that is a year or more away.

Angelina is the one I expected Lynn to be leaning towards and her mentioning in the flight of Tom Granger is a pleasant surprise. He is a computer wizard in the best sense; I had assumed his value to the company was on the decline. Lynn was surprised by my recommendation of Roberta Stillwell as his project assistant. Roberta was someone I previously had sought to demean and beat out for a position someday soon.

Lynn could assign them to work together, but she was asking me to communicate and get them to agree to head up this team if we could woo the Alloyed Production Corporation, APC, away. It would not be very noticeably bigger than the agreement we reached last week, but landing a new customer and taking it away from a world competitor would be even a greater achievement in many ways.

Tom was the only one of the two whom I trusted to share the potential client’s name. Tom Granger was dutifully impressed and he informed me that he had helped train Roberta years earlier.

He had followed her career and agreed she would be great in working with him. He asked if Lynn intended to name her as a co-leader on the project. It isn’t usually done within our corporation, usually, she would be listed as an assistant or associate. A quick discussion between Lynn Watts and Granger concluded this would be a good exception. Granger felt it would be important to have a stable team for at least five years. He did not see Roberta playing second fiddle now during the prime of her career.

I saw the wisdom of the three and it made it a lot easier bringing Roberta on board. I was doing the groundwork, but I was also learning a different way from how I did things. It probably helped that neither Granger nor Stillwell knew who I actually was. We landed in Baltimore early and were settled in our hotel suite before noon.

If all went well we would be flying to Naples by 2:00 p.m. tomorrow; if we were close to an agreement another flight could be going out of D.C. around 10:00 p.m. There were three representatives from each of the corporation’s three major locations and the Chief Operating Executive of the whole corporation. We would have Granger and Stillwell linked to us if helpful.

The first meeting was a dinner meeting at 12:30 p.m. supposedly no business. I was glad for Ashley’s steamer. I was also thankful for Bridgette’s guidance in wearing my gray business suit. I felt like it was attractive enough to compliment Lynn.

Lynn had informed me of the interests and some of the dislikes of the men we were dining with. I was desiring to mix business with the dinner, but Lynn was making good connections with the men. I was surprised they were not disappointed about meeting with women. We were through dinner by one thirty and drinks and discussion before 2:00. We would meet and share our initial presentations from four till six.

I had hot tea, energy drinks, chocolate, and fruit brought up to our room along with a request for a hair stylist. An unusual request was to have three pairs of high heels to be brought up for Lynn’s selection. Someone had packed a dark blue and a black shoe together. Close but not acceptable.

Lynn directed our preparation for the presentation. I was to have the information and be able to project images for our presentation. It needed to hold their interest as well as substantiate what Lynn would say. I was glad I was on better terms with Stacy back in our office as I needed to delegate and rely on her team’s help.

Alloyed Productions' request was greater than they had informed us, possibly as a test of our ability to adapt. Fortunately, I had both Tom and Roberta listen in on their presentation. An earpiece allowed me to receive their feedback as we made our presentation.

I and I believe our clients were favorably impressed with Lynn’s presentation and the system we’re presenting. John Hancher chose to challenge me, “What would seem to make your system superior and worth our while to change too?”

“Not only is their system meant for corporations different than yours. Our system will be easier to navigate through and friendlier to use. We have one of our premiere computer people Thomas Granger set to lead such a project and Roberta Stillwell an exceptional systems person will be leading the integration of our program for your systems.”

I was interrupted, “Why would you be naming two people to be co-leaders working with us?” Lynn started to speak but their CEO Mr. Williams spoke, “I want to see if she can explain the reasons.”

I caught my breath and replied, “I believe Ms. Watts correctly decided your system and three major locations warrant this team to build this system to meet your needs and having two leaders gives stability as the first three years of the program will be crucial to you and whoever would build you the optimum system. I believe completely in what Marilyn Watts is offering to your corporation.”

Using my computer and Lynn’s we were able to present both Tom and Roberta to our prospective clients. Though they were being non-committal, Lynn was sure we impressed them. They said they hoped at an evening dinner at 8:00 to give some decision, even if it were only for further talks.

It was seven o’clock I received a call from them to come light-hearted and ready to celebrate. Lynn suggested the evening dress that Ashley had suggested I bring. Lynn insisted I also get a new pair of fine stockings to wear. I am not sure if it was to humble me or in hope that I would enjoy the experience of wearing them. I did not realize they were silk or how different it would feel to wear them. If she intended me to enjoy the experience it was working. It was hard to fight the feelings I had wearing them.

After Lynn was ready she turned to work on my makeup. “I usually don’t fuss over my junior associates, however, I am enjoying it in this instance. I want to compliment you on your help in the presentation and helping to more personally connect Tom and Roberta with our clients. We could have used Roberta being with us in the celebration tonight.”

I asked, “How would it be helpful to have her present tonight?” Lynn smiled saying she wasn’t positive but that it would make things easier on us somehow. I had planned to wear my flats but Lynn insisted on three-inch heels.

I was ready to go down and wait way early. I was both hungry as well as use to being early. Lynn said, “You need to be patient and to remember you are serving them and me at our convenience. I don’t want them feeling like you are rushing them.” If I were still the old me I wouldn’t be as we appeared to be two attractive women meeting for a dinner party.

Mrs. Ruth Williams, the CEO’s wife was the only the only wife to come on the trip and was present tonight at the dinner. Lynn was amused whispering in my ears, “Mrs. Williams seems to be taken with you as are the men.” Lynn had impressed everyone as well but it was not surprising that they saw her as an attractive and intelligent woman.

Mrs. Williams had ordered lobster and I asked the waiter, “Is the lobster was from the North Atlantic?”

He said, “We have some, but that is by special request and it costs more.”

I said, “That is her order then, thank you.”

Mrs. Williams asked me, “Why did you do that?”

I said, “I’ve been told because the North Atlantic waters are much colder it is better for many shellfish and most definitely lobster. I wanted to make sure you received the best meal possible.”

Mr. Andrew Williams confirmed for his wife that it was true. He appreciated what I had done. The Dinner went well though the Vice President of the Atlanta operations had ordered the lobster and had not specified what he wanted. During the meal, he indicated, “My lobster is especially good, so do you still think you were correct in changing her order?” The waiter was at the table filling water glasses and he said, “I changed all of the lobster orders with your hosts Ms. Watts’s permission.”

We moved to a large table in the lounge after dinner. Mr. Williams danced with his wife, the Atlanta VP danced with Ms. Watts and John Hancher from Boston asked me to dance. I warned him, “I am not a good dancer and tonight with these heels you probably should be warned.”

John’s hand stayed extended to me, “I’ve been divorced just over a year. I would be very pleased if you tried to dance with me. I’d be disappointed if you wouldn’t do me the favor.” I knew I had to try and do my best and act as if I enjoyed it. John was a very good dancer as well as a very good lead. We dance two dances. I was very impressed with how well I was able to dance with him. I was even more surprised how I enjoyed dancing. Between the feel of the silk stockings and the skirt moving around my legs, it was most enjoyable.

I danced with all the men during the evening but it was with John that I developed a rapport and learned much about the company as well as him. John said he was from their Boston region and was the younger brother of Ruth Williams….

To be continued…

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It was just over five years ago and to keep my job I began to use my sister’s name… Let’s just say my attitude necessitated a change if I were to stay employed. It was late summer of 2008; the worst two four-letter words regarding a job were ‘pink slip’. …Julie and I were expecting our second child before the end of the year. This would not be a good time to lose my job. I had been passed over for job promotions which should have happened any of the past few years, but never did. I blamed everyone but me.

Chapter 6 -
It was just after ten that evening a young college woman came to our table saying, “Mom and Dad, I am sorry that I am late; I was hoping we could get some time together.” I scooted from my chair next to Ms. Williams so the younger Williams could sit there. She told her parents, “Our system in our lab developed a major problem. We’ve tried to fix it, and the computer people won’t come to look at it before tomorrow afternoon and everything is tied to it. We are going to lose a lot of important research work by then. All that we’ve learned will be considered invalid.”

Ruth Williams introduces her daughter, “Please let me introduce to you our daughter Gloria Williams. She is a graduate assistant at John Hopkins in one of their research departments going for her doctorate.” Mrs. Williams turns to Lynn Watts. “I hate to trouble you; I don’t know much about computers. This is probably totally out of your league, but could either of you possibly look at their problem; would you see if you can be of any help?”

Gloria was embarrassed that her mother asked. I quickly knew it would be a big risk if we tried. Lynn Watts said, “They probably wouldn’t want us, but I could send Elaine with your daughter and commit some of our troubleshooters on call tonight to be at h… her, Elaine’s disposal.”

Gloria asked who we worked for and cheered up as she recognized our corporate name. “Elaine might be in for a long night but we’d love if she would come and try.”

Lynn told me, “Go change into some flats and go. Remember we are scheduled to fly out of here tomorrow. We need to leave from here at noon or reschedule our flight for later.” Gloria went with me up to our suite. She said, “The lab is immaculate so other than your heels you don’t need to worry about changing.”

It was interesting and fun to ride to be with Gloria. She’s a young and intelligent woman, probably twenty-three, and two years into her doctorate. I knew the John Hopkins medical facilities are world class. I figured the system we would look at was tied to the both the university’s and the medical facility so we would not be allowed to do anything.

Upon getting there, Dr. Daniel Howard informed me that theirs was an independent system though it was able to communicate to other two systems. Dr. Andrea Howard, Dr. Daniel Howard’s daughter was given charge of Gloria and me to independently check out the system.

I am savvy enough to identify and troubleshoot way more than my computer would be able but I am always leery of working with a system new to me. I was able to identify that someone had hacked into their system, but was not sure if that was the source of their problems. I called our New York office. Watts had already had them on alert.

Tom Granger was one of the people at on call, but I was leery of having him work on the system. It was likely he would not be able to fix it from New York and I did not want him to be seen as failing here. He initially was to be second on the troubleshooting team but quickly took over.

Tom said, “This is where our corporation should be working to make a real difference.”

Gloria said to him, “If we can’t get our system online and keep our research running, a lot more than finances stand to be lost. We have one project we are into the sixth year, the results are promising but it will be dealt a major setback by morning if there is any break in the program.”

Tom asked, “Ms. Andrea would you mind if I brought the FBI in on this? I can probably identify your hacker as well as bring your system back online freed from its intrusion. The hackers want to appear as someone doing a prank, but I can tell they are receiving your information.”

It was now 1:00 a.m. Gloria and I were implementing some commands on the site. It was needed as passwords and safety precautions needed to be re-established. It was two forty when everything was secured and fully functioning on its own. Tom would not tell me, but Dr. Andrea Howard and her father Dr. Dan Howard said, “One of the pharmaceutical companies we work with is going to have some explaining to do.” Dr. Dan said, “While the hackers are supposedly on their own, more than one name matches up with one of their consultants and a former employee.”

When asked to send a bill Tom replied, “We can but your insurance won’t appreciate what it would be.”

Dr. Daniel Howard said, “Ultimately I doubt if we are the ones who will pay the price so do not be on the conservative side.” Dr. Dan was sad when I told him, “Tom would not be available to take over their contract if they changed to our corporation. Though I can assure you we have people and programs capable of securing their research data. Mr. Tom Granger seems to believe we could and should develop a program for facilitating such research.”

While we were walking to her car Gloria turned to me and gave me a big hug and kiss. “I want to thank you for all your help. I won’t give away your secret. I think it is interesting; so are you transitioning or just living as a woman?” Gloria started the car but stared at me expecting me to tell her more.

“Do you have your own room at the hotel or do I need to get a separate room.” I looked at her and I couldn’t tell how serious she was. Finally, she said, “Whether you have your own parts or not I plan to jump your bones to express my thanks.”

“You can’t,” I replied, “I’m a married person.”

She gave me a big laughing smile, “And I’m a spoiled rich girl use to getting her way!”

Not only did I feel I was in a difficult spot, but Gloria had also excited my juices. I just wasn’t sure if it was as Dan or Elaine; neither was totally averse to finding out if it was them.

Once we were back to the hotel parking lot we spent time talking to each other, mostly about me and my predicament. Gloria ran her fingers over my breasts and knew I was getting aroused as Elaine. She said, “You know that is what they call transference. You can aid the sensation you are feeling by taking female hormones and blocking your male hormones.” She pulled out a disc of birth control pills and popped two of them out. “You know it is easy enough to find a doctor to prescribe something more powerful for you. Make these last until you get more.”

She said, “I just got a new prescription filled. I don’t need these. You should know, I’m not usually interested in other girls, you’re an exception. She put the pills in my hand and gave me her bottle of water. I felt compelled take both pills. She gave me a pretty smile, “That is a good girl. You know you are doing it for yourself and not me.” She tucked the disc into my purse.”

I told her “No” again.

“That’s a good girl, we both know I’m going to get my way.” She opened the door to the car and grabbed an overnight bag from the back seat. We went to the reception desk and she got a room for herself. She told them I was already registered and would be going to my room.

Up to her room, we helped to undress the other, Gloria knew in many ways I wanted her. She asked “So are they helping to change you to become a more caring person through your feminization? Have you as Elaine had the pleasure of enjoying another woman or being enjoyed by her?”

“Only with my wife,” I could feel Gloria’s hands glide over me.

“I won’t ask about your wife, but how much do you enjoy being a girl?” Gloria was straight to the point. I was silent until I began to cry. I knew part of me wanted her and to feel loved as Elaine.

The crying continued as I said, “I want to be a good girl. They are helping me to become a caring person. I have a long way to go, but I don’t want to be a female version of whom I was!”

Gloria paused and then handed me my slip and dress, “I don’t want just sex either, I could have been very happy if I pushed you into making love. You are a fantastic person in helping us tonight and I enjoyed our time so much and wanted it to continue.” I was dressed and working on my makeup when Gloria came to me again. “If your wife would decide it’s over, I would love to thank you more personally.”

“I will ask my Mother if I can use one of her cards to take you shopping in the morning. You should experience the way a woman celebrates special achievements.”

I left her smaller suite and was soon letting myself into Lynn’s suite and finding my way to my room.

Lynn was asleep in a recliner and woke up, “Tom communicated over an hour ago that you were successful in restoring their research program. You need to know I am very proud of you. Yet being my assistant on this trip means you will need to delay your celebration. I am very happy with your growth and how important you are becoming. But remember I will continue to need you the next forty-eight to ninety-six hours.”

“I thought it was only another forty-eight hours, what’s with the possibility of ninety-six?”

Lynn looks at me matter-of-factly, “You’ve been on these trips and know quite well. Naples is quite important. It is not likely to end with a decision and a prize right away but it is no less important to what we have already done. Actually, what’s coming up has even greater potential.”

Lynn smiled, took my hand and led me to sit and talk some more. “It is equally as important for your growth. As far as I am concerned, helping you to become the valuable person that our company and I can continue to depend on is very, very important.”

“Please take a shower get ready for sleep, but after that put a robe on and come back out here. We need to have our business with this company ready for the morning.”

I began to make some coffee before I went to take my shower. I turned to Lynn, “Making me wear silk stockings was a cruel and unusual pleasure, you shouldn’t have.” I heard Lynn giggle as I closed my door. I was very careful in taking off and handling both the silk stockings and the wonderful dress.

I used a soft and thick cloth filled with suds to wash in the shower. The tension of my body relaxed and washed away. The sensations I felt as Elaine, ‘Are they in my mind transference as Gloria said? The tingling and erotic feelings seem all too real.’

I love my choice of lingerie and happily slip on my robe over it and go out to see Lynn. I feel it is no accident that Lynn’s scant robe is open. It is more a reminder that she too is very beautiful.

I search my communications back from Stacy and Lynn’s secretary. The revised documents are there, but it will take Lynn and I going through them to refine them to the place we need them to be. It is seven o’clock when we finish our work.

Lynn soon answers her phone and hears a request for me to go shopping with young Miss. Williams comes 9:00 a.m. “Elaine, you might as well stay up, please pack your clothes for our trip to Naples and be ready to shop with Miss Williams come 9:00 a.m.” She helps me to pick out an outfit simple enough to change in and out of; I’m told ‘they are attractive enough to go shopping with a rich young woman.’ I need to wear a blouse of Lynn’s.

It was not surprising that Gloria insisted on buying me a very expensive outfit. Ruth Williams was along as I tried the skirt and blouse; she put her hand through the blouse and touched my bra. Gloria and I both waited for Mrs. Williams to say something. She says, “You just can’t get by wearing an ordinary bra under such a delicate and beautiful blouse.” She took me by the hand, pulling me over to the lingerie. “You should have a nice set of lace and satin or maybe a pretty pastel silk set.” Having spent considerable time there we narrowed it down to five and finally to two. Mrs. Williams says, “I insist you wear the silk set of light peach lingerie.” Which I did like all the tags were taken off so I could wear it now.

The rest of the morning was to be relaxing for me as Gloria was the one we were shopping for. I did not mind when Gloria tried on an evening gown and she suggested I try on one like it. It was not only a very attractive silver, white and blue, but it was also a sexy and I felt so in wearing it. Gloria was trying on a more extravagant gold and diamond necklace and earring set. She showed me a similar silver and ruby set. Mrs. Williams remarked, “I could tell by your reaction you really love how beautiful it is all together. I doubt you will ever be able to buy something that extravagant for yourself.”

I was in total girl mode as I said, “I wouldn’t have dreamed of even trying any like this one, and surely not get to see how all this looks on me.”

Mrs. Williams is glowing, “You can’t let Mr. Williams or the other men know I am buying it for you. It will be coming out of my own money.” The jewelry cost seven hundred dollars alone, another pair of silk stockings and the dress that would be delivered to my suite after alterations were complete.

I thought it would be in place of the outfit I was wearing. Gloria giggled at me, “No way girl, that would be like thrifty and Mom is out to shower you with thanks. You were very nice to her little girl.”

I asked how much it would all cost, at the same time saying our company wouldn’t allow such gifts from a customer. Gloria again giggled, “One, you don’t worry about the price shopping here and two it is my mother and not your client who is buying this for you.”

“I could be in trouble with Ms. Watts,” I said.

Mrs. Williams joined our discussion, “It was she, the young lady who sent you with us. If the guys want to keep the ‘good old boys club’, we can have our own fun. I will see Lynn sometime when I’m in New York City or I have her come to Philadelphia. Truly, what you’ve done for Gloria, their research and our corporation this is a drop in the bucket.”

Gloria spoke up, “It was not done as a payment. That is male thinking, and I wish you as a professional woman would get over that kind of thinking and be more like your Marilyn Watts.” I had to think of what she was saying.

We got back to our suite at noon and Lynn already has a light brunch set up for the four of us. It was shortly later that my dress was delivered and packed. Then we were off to the airport. Lynn remarked, “Regularly a professional woman is not treated this special. I just hope you see the difference in how some women think.”

During our flight, Lynn shared we might be staying two nights with family as well as possibly working late into the night. She asked about my shopping spree with the Williams. I was relieved she was not upset with me. I quickly told her what had been bought for me. We ended up going into a full explanation in greater detail. It was like listening to my mother and sister talking about one of their shopping trips. Something simple like talking about panties and bras was somehow meaningful.

Another woman, Vickie joined in our discussion. I thought it strange that it didn’t bother me, I knew I was but another woman talking. We actually flew into Ft. Myers and shared our ride into Naples with Vickie. She was a thirty-something professional woman who offered to help show us a good time while in Naples. Vickie and Lynn seem to know each other through no one actually acknowledged it.

Tonight was free and it was agreed the three of us would have dinner and make an evening of it together. I tried to opt out, but Lynn said that wasn’t an option. She insisted I wear the skirt and blouse outfit but not the one Williams had bought me.

There was a Chippendale like a group that night at a more secluded night spot. Vicki said this group is a little bawdier in their presentation. Needless to say, it was not my kind of entertainment. When I became a person to be focused on, well I became flustered. Others cheered for me to put something into his so-called ‘G’ string, I inadvertently placed a fifty dollar bill in, thinking it was a five dollar bill. He took my hand and took me away saying to the crowd, “I have more to show this young woman.” He paused long enough to ask, “Is there a challenge anyone has for our shy ‘Elaine’?”

Lynn waved a dollar bill, “Can you give her a time that leaves a good taste on her lips?” I was totally embarrassed. He started to trot but slow enough I could follow. He even let go of my hand before we went through a door. Once into a side room he turned and laughed lightly, “When I let go of the woman’s hand half of the woman do not follow me in here. It helps me to know who will be open to enjoy going further. Your friend’s gift will make the time extra sweet or salty depending on how you look at it.”

I joked, “Let me give the kiss and then just enjoy the rest.” I didn’t quite realize what I was actually saying. “What can the dollar bill actually get me anyway?”

Tim sat me in a comfortable chair and began to dance in front of me. In the past, I have an actual woman give me a lap dance. I had treated them quite shamefully. I thought this was payback and I just needed to sit back, grin and bear it.

I stayed quiet, as I did not want to convey I was actually getting excited. I did make one comment that he was “No tiny Tim.” I was pressing my legs together to keep my own excitement hidden. I could not say the same for Tim.

He asked, “Are you ready yet for the kiss and to help me deliver on the taste I am to leave with you?”

“By all means big boy,” trying to do a Mae West impersonation. The chair I was in reclined back while raising higher and he was now straddling me. Suddenly he pulled off the cap from his manliness that was staring in my face.

“Your friend gave another hundred dollars for your pleasure,” he said. “I am sure she wants you well satisfied.” I now realized what was about to happen as a sleeve had come off with the cap. I felt his penis lightly hit the tip of my nose and then my lips. He wiggled his hips in front of me and I found myself very excited. When he asked me to kiss him, I was no longer reluctant. He leaned down and took one of my hands to gently hold him. He revised the words to the next song; it was now “Don’t go away little girl, he’s here for you to play little girl…”

My hands, lips, and tongue were now working together. I was not able to keep track of what was happening. I did not remember something placed over to protect my clothes. I wanted to say ‘No’, ‘Stop’, but the words never came.

“If you don’t want a face full or any getting in your hair, now is the time to do what is needed.” The realization of what was happening hit me and I took his throbbing member into my mouth. It was none too soon and I needed to suck and swallow or get real messy. Now I understood the comment of Lynn. She understood what could happen and she paid extra to make it happen.

I was humming as I enjoyed myself until he was done and I had cleaned him as well as I could with my tongue and lips. I sensed how hot my body had become and how much I enjoyed it. But I also realized nothing had exploded for me as Dan as I feared. I was now feeling bad even guilty that nothing happened where Dan was concerned. I wondered, had I now become that much of a woman or sissy in my thoughts and feelings.

Tim left saying how much he appreciated pleasing me. He had asked several times if I was happy or pleased. When he asked me to score his performance I quickly said a ten and the same with how I enjoyed him.

A young woman came with my purse saying, “Please let me help you to look yourself before you see the others. Then you will have the choice of sharing or leaving them to wonder all that happened.” She helped me with my makeup and hair. She gave me a mouthwash to gargle with.

She asked, “Now were you surprised? …How much did you enjoy yourself with our Little Tim?” I gave a twenty dollar tip to her and another thirty to Tim. When she shared unenthusiastically, “Tim would be pleased.” I have another twenty dollars, she said, “Tim will appreciate knowing you enjoyed your time with him. He tries hard to please the women he entertains.”

Lynn told me, “Time will tell if that was a humbling or meaningful experience.” Lynn ordered a bottle of Champaign. After my first few sips, she said, “You might want to take a larger sip and then swish it around your mouth and lips. Otherwise, some will be able to tell how far things went.”

I was then embarrassed but Lynn tapped the top of my hand. “Just smile and relax. I am sure you were surprised by how things went. Many young women have shared that experience.”

I asked, “Have you?” She calmly replied, “No, and a mature woman won’t say so after tonight if she had either, especially with her close friends or her spouse.”

It might have helped if she told me that before I text a message to Bridgette Riley. She and I had a short conversation over the phone. Bridgette was glad to hear about the trip. She congratulated me for how well I was doing. I am not sure but I think she and Lynn have kept in contact about me during the trip.

Naples is a very pretty area of Florida, not as much of a tourist trap, but more for the well to do people to get away and enjoy themselves. Our presence here is not the regular business trip, but one of Lynn making a lot of connections to keep in touch with the names and people behind our corporate clients. Many of them are not even Lynn’s responsibility as far as being her clients. Lynn is acting as an active listening ear.

We visit four people this morning and afternoon and with a fifth client for dinner this evening. I am standing behind and off to the side for the dinner meeting. I can’t formally take notes but I am to be remembering all that needs to be noted. There were two times during the evening I was to provide the needed information. I am getting more proficient with discretely using my high-end tablet.

Mr. Harvey compliments Lynn on how good she is and how well trained, she has me. There are sexual innuendos made to me and other off remarks made like I’m not even there. I recall that similar remarks were part of my past experience when I made business trips. I was often one of the offenders. Now that I was the object of the comments I’m hearing them in a different light. I am pleased that Lynn did a better job in not being part of it and speaking up constructively for me.

Lynn had suggested I wear two-inch heels but I had worn three and a half inch heels. When I suggested at a break that I change out of them, Lynn insisted, “You will continue through the evening and do not let the discomfort show. The focus needs to remain with our clients.”

When they got to relax, Lynn volunteered me to take the younger children to entertain and read to them. My biggest comfort was that the mother appreciated the break from the responsibility. Truth is that she is very important in leading their company.

It is eleven when we get back to our suite, and there are still communications from the day to go through. There are things that Lynn needs to handle. It had been my tendency to push much of this work back to when I returned back to the office. Lynn nor my wife Julie seemingly work that way. I did have a communication from Julie but it was late enough that I now needed to leave it until morning.

I was tired, but I was up and getting ready at 5:30 in the morning. It gave me a chance to call Julie and to visit with her come at 6:30 a.m. She was amused that I chose to stay as Elaine in talking to her. She was sympathetic in my plight with heels. She was glad I heard the crude comments of others, asking, “How often did you hear your own behavior in them?” Zing!

I tried to acknowledge I had without really committing myself, but Julie asked, “How did it feel being said about you?” The one that hit hardest was when she asked, “What would you have done if the one man was able to get you alone?” It wasn’t until she said his words back that I realized he might really have made an aggressive move against me if he had gotten me alone.

When I mentioned it to Lynn, she simply said, “Did you know he wanted to have lunch alone with you?” I had not. Lynn realized better than I had how shaken I was by such a realization. I actually had to sit down, relax and finally talk to Lynn about it. I also had to redo my makeup.

Today was just with two clients and each in their homes. The morning visit actually had us on a boat through some waterways as we visited. I had trouble not being distracted by the scenery. The woman we were meeting with, actually required we change into some wrap around skirts and very casual tops. Lynn insisted I cooperate and do as asked, which meant going without my bra. The top was barely enough to hide my breasts.

I was uncomfortable that the mist from our travel through the water caused our breasts to be that more visible. I was excused from having a massage on their private beach. I was, however, required to stay and enjoy a mint iced tea while the woman and Lynn enjoyed their massages. Our client had a body which she was very comfortable with. Our visit went well into the afternoon.

Despite how relaxed the visit was; our client was personally distraught by problems she and her business had with our company. It was Lynn’s personal attention as well as her professional ability that kept them from leaving. We would be meeting with her that evening. Again it would be a combination of Lynn’s personal style and professional ability to orchestrate the needed changes on our company’s part for keeping their business.

It became a little awkward as the woman had invited her nephew, Charles to be part of our evening get together.

One of the changes in my life after this trip would be I now needed to wear a ring on my left hand. Lynn had cleared it with my wife Julie. Neither Lynn nor I told Julie that I had acted as Charles friend for dinner or that he and I had drinks together.

Bridgette awaited our return to our suite. Bridgette wanted to talk to Lynn alone, but that would wait until tomorrow. Bridgette said, “I hear you have continued to show growth as well as making Elaine Woods’ continued presence important?”

I smiled in agreement, “Yes, I get to assist Stacy Young in implementing our program with STL.”

Bridgette asks, “And how long will you be essential with that project?”

“It would depend on how Stacy makes use of me, but as being essential, probably a year and a half.” Bridgette smiles, “Would you be surprised if she told me it could easily be two and a half years?” “No, I could see that.”

“That would be a long time for a man wearing breast forms in trying to keep one’s identity a secret.” She paused, I knew she wanted the thought to sink in. “You should seriously consider ending your employment with Merging Communications Programs and Products, MCPP. The other possibility would be to have breast implants. The later can be surgically removed later if desired.”

I looked at both Bridgette and Lynn wondering how serious this idea was. I immediately thought it had to be a joke, but their expressions gave no indication of that. Next, I considered my employment with MCPP and our new contract with STL. The employment picture in the past two months of 2008 for those losing jobs had grown even worse.

Lynn says, “Like today, it would have been more comfortable for you if your blouse could have been open a little more. Next summer, if you wanted to go to the beach with your wife and family. …The good thing about you being Elaine that much longer would prove your ongoing importance to our company.”

Strange as it might seem, ‘I had fantasized the past month of having my own breasts. I know it wouldn’t be the same as other women. What would Julie think? Just this past week Julie had talked about the growing stress she was experiencing now and what would be coming. What if after her maternity leave she did not want to go back to her job?’

“A man couldn’t have breast implants, could he,” I asked? “If I went that far, how hard will it be for me to go back to being Dan? It is my skin would just snap back after I’m done.”

Bridgette gives but a hint of a smile, “Yes and that is exactly what I’m saying. It would take a while for the skin to tighten after the breast implants were removed. Plastic surgery could even be used to restore them back to proper size more quickly.”

Lynn was solemn, “Elaine, I did not intend for this to happen, but you eagerly put yourself into that position. I have already tried to have you replaced as Stacy Young’s associate but the company says they would use that to renegotiate or cancel the project if we insisted. They are afraid we will force Dan on them.”

Lynn continued, “I can offer you a ten percent raise and for us to cover the cost of the procedures both now and later.”

“I can’t believe this is happening to me. It is quite a predicament; I’m worried about what Julie would say... She’s not sure she wants to go back to work after the baby is born. She wouldn’t be able to consider that if I’m not working.”

Bridgette gets my attention saying, “The hospital here has one of the best reputations both for cosmetic surgery and being discrete in keeping information confidential.”

“You mean you, you want me to decide to have this surgery now! You have to be crazy!” I was losing my temper. I was ready to hit Bridgette.

Bridgette said, “No, while it would be a possibility to have the surgery now. Naples would be a good place to consider for the surgery as everyone would want to be discrete in keeping your identity as Elaine. Some of the best places are in New York City, but there have been problems with such information leaking out to the press or others.”

I put my face into my hands as I’m ready to cry. “This is another thing, I am upset with, how I am feeling far more emotions. Not that it’s bad. I'm just not used to it and I don’t like me crying.”

I left the two, with the agreement that I’d be ready to meet Lynn early in the morning if she wished. I did not know Lynn’s other plans for us at Naples.

I wanted to talk to Julie but it was late, I checked the computer and could tell she was still awake. I sent a text saying I would be calling, but don’t be alarmed.

Julie is chipper at the other end, “Hi Dear, how are you doing? Bridgette says, that there is challenging as well as good news... I pressed her and she said you might be calling. I pressed her again saying I’d not like to be surprised or left wondering. So are you calling about the possibility of breast implants?”

I said, “Bridgette didn’t tell me you already knew. It is a farfetched idea, but I see their point about the problems with keeping my identity. But I would worry about its impact on our daughter and the baby?”

“Your daughter already knows her Daddy is going to be a woman in a dress for quite a while. I have to warn you. She told your Mom before I had a chance to. Robin said she thought it was a secret just with the neighbors.”

Julie giggled, “It is too bad they couldn’t load your breasts with milk so you could nurse. The good news is my nursing breasts will grow enough I won’t be worried that my husband would have bigger breasts than me. So do you want to stay there and have the implants or do you want to have it done near here, so I could be there with you?”

“Julie are you kidding me, you want me to consider having the implants here now? I don’t know what to say or ask about having it done. Like what size should they be? How should I take care of them? Is there a recovery time after the surgery?”

Julie giggled a bit, “I never thought we’d be talking about this, even by way of you getting yourself in trouble being so rude to women. I guess the payback has some poetic justice to it.” Her tone changes, “You are a big enough woman that I would suggest you get implants that would let you fill a C-cup bra. Any larger would be hard on your posture and spine.”

I think the question about recuperation time would be a good question to ask. I’d hope they would give you time off at home to make the adjustment with us. I don’t want you to develop a sense of fashion away from me, it could become a point of ugly contrasts. Plus I want your daughter Robin to have a chance to get used to the new you. She has already asked if she should call you Mommy or Daddy or Aunt Elaine.”

Julie said, “I would come down there but my doctor has already restricted my travel now that I’m in my third trimester of the pregnancy. You know most men who have implants also are given some hormone therapy. You might want them to harvest a few vials of your sperm just in case.”

I said, “I am already getting more emotional. Dressing and acting as Elaine is having an impact on me. …You said something about me growing, but initially, I felt like I was taking a step or two back acting like a woman.” Julie challenged me if I was serious or joking with my statement.

When I said I didn’t know what she was talking about. She said, “You might want to ask for a dick extension along with E-cup implants so they’d know you’re a male bimbo!” I tried to talk to Julie, but she said, “You should talk to Bridgette and Lynn and tell them, you haven’t grown as much as they thought.”

It finally dawned on me what I said. I said, “I didn’t mean it that way; yes the old me would have seen it as two steps back. Acting as Lynn’s associate, I’ve been gaining a greater appreciation for the effort most professional women put into their work. I think I’ll have an edge on my male colleagues when this is all done.” Julie was pleased though a bit skeptical about the changes in my talk.

Julie warned me, “They’ll probably recommend some hormone shots for a time that sounds like the general recommendation. Don’t jump on a plane the day you have surgery…” the phone crackled “…down there…” crackle again “…The battery is low. I love you.” The connection is lost.

I was surprised by what I heard, and I did not feel a need to call back.

Bridgette knocked on my room door to tell me goodnight and say we would see each other in the morning. As she poked her head into the room, I said in Elaine’s voice, “I’ve talked to Julie and she thinks I should have the surgery while I’m down here. She even said I should probably get hormone shots.”

Surprised to hear my statements she held the door open waiting to see if I was inviting her in to talk.

Bridgette said, “Elaine wrapped a robe around yourself,” and I did. Bridgette stepped in and sat to listen.

I said, “I know I’m an adult, but I would like some help going through with this, Bridgette.” Bridgette smiled, she had no problem understanding how overwhelming it must be for me. She sat down and we talked.

I even mentioned waiting a day or two before I traveled back as Julie had suggested. “Do you think it would be possible to have a few days to recuperate at home with my family? Julie says Robin already sees me as Elaine, but I would like her to have some time with me… After the surgery no one has to worry, there is no risk of me not returning to the program and seeing things through.”

Bridgette didn’t stay long. I spoke with Lynn who was pleasantly surprised that things were progressing so fast. I had that night what would be beautiful dreams to the emerging young woman, yet it made me uneasy as well…

To be continued…

Please indicate if it’s a good story, and leave a comment or write to the author. Your comments are appreciated and helpful. This author responds to most every comment and personal message. Thanks, Jessica

It was over five years ago, to keep my job I used my sister’s name…
My attitude necessitated a change to stay employed...
Late summer of 2008; the worst two four-letter words were ‘pink slip’...
Julie and I expecting our second child; would not be a good time to lose my job...
Passed over for job promotions in the past, I blamed everyone but me.

Chapter 7
Some might think it was anxiety that caused Elaine to get up early at 5:00 a.m., the truth was it was exciting, but she wouldn’t tell anyone. She was dressed, drinking a cup of tea and reading a woman’s magazine until 6:45 a.m. when Lynn came out in her robe. Elaine wondered how it was so easy for Lynn to look so beautiful in a robe with no makeup.

Lynn asked, “So are you still willing to have the breast implants here on Monday if we can get it arranged?”

It is Friday morning and our corporation, or someone, has enough pull to get me into an appointment at three in the afternoon.

It might be strange but I’m especially embarrassed to have a man, Dr. Jack Reasoner as my doctor. He originally thought I might actually be a woman. He says, “You’re lucky if it was Bridgette’s mother Margaret Riley, who was behind you having this procedure. I would make you wait and think if you really wanted to go through with this? It has been close to three years since Bridgette has sent a client to us.”

Dr. Reasoner gave me a complete health check; he reviewed copies of my last physical. He caught me by surprise with what I thought was an unrelated question to my receiving of breast implants. “Have you stood up to pee in the last month?” When I told him arrogantly, “Several times at least.” His response was, “You might want me to fix that at the same time.”

Actually, I had almost been caught a few times, thinking it was safe to stand up to pee. I knew it would eventually happen that I’d be caught if something didn’t force me to sit when I peed. If agreed, I would have two procedures on Monday, but he already began with the hormone therapy today.

Apart from Bridgette, Lynn, and Julie, no one was to know I had the surgery. Somehow my mind was adjusting to completely see me as Elaine. I received a call from my daughter, Robin, at 7:00 that evening. “Daddy, Mommy said you will be able to stay the whole weekend." I heard her say, you need your new mommy parts to heal so you feel better. She said, "I should begin calling you Aunty Elaine. Is that okay with you?” When I said okay, she replied, “I still going to call you Daddy when we are alone, okay Daddy?”

Before she allowed me to talk to Julie she had me promise I would take her shopping.

Throughout the whole weekend, I was becoming more and more observant of other women. I was also becoming conscious of my weight and figure. I bought an aerobics DVD Friday afternoon and used it Saturday and Sunday. It takes some effort for me to follow the movements, to learn to do the various stretches and squats, and keep in time with the music and directions.

Lynn and I moved to her cousin Teri’s place on Saturday morning. I would be staying there until Wednesday morning. Bridgette would fly back to Naples on Monday. She and I were to drive home. Lynn informed me she was advancing my raise for the remainder of the year so I could resupply my wardrobe. She encouraged me to spend a portion of it on Julie and Robin as well.

Monday morning did not come soon enough. The hardest part was I stopped eating at 8:00 p.m. Sunday, though my procedures were scheduled for 2:00 in the afternoon. Luckily I was taken into pre-op at 11:00 a.m. as I was spared the last hours of waiting. Dr. Reasoner used implants that gave me two perky breasts. He put them through my underarms, saying it thus went under some of my normal breast tissue that could respond to the hormone therapy.

I will spare you how he fixed me below; it should suffice that the area looked flat and remarkably more feminine. The nice thing was there was no post-surgery bleeding or seepage. It was a little uncomfortable especially as numb areas regained feeling and then discomfort as I felt pressure where the skin was being stretched.

Once I got back to Teri’s I was able to change into a satin nightshirt with two spaghetti straps and wore a satin robe over it. I did stand in front of a mirror several times admiring the new woman in my life. I was surprised at 8:30 that evening when Bridgette arrived. Her mom, Margaret was with her and she showed me pictures of siblings (Allen) Allison, Carl, (Carlene), and Dennis.

Bridgette said, “I differ with my mother on many things, but one cannot fault her on how the people she helps turn out.”

Margaret Riley was the first to tell me to my face, “I expect you to choose to continue as Elaine.” I tried to argue with her, but she said, “It will be fine if you decide to return to being Dan. I can understand your thinking now and it will be fine if you do. I just hope you don’t go back to being the Grumpy B**d of a man they said you were. It would be such a waste.”

She did confess, she was proud of Bridgette’s success in helping people. When, I asked if there were others like her and Bridgette? She said, “There are probably eight people of note three in North America and four I know of around the world. Two in England and two elsewhere that I know of and one or two trying to emerge, but being successful and worth anything is hard to come by.”

Bridgette was alone with me after I got ready for bed. She schooled me, “Remember being a woman is not about having the parts or your appearance to others. You don’t need to go back to the old you to fail at becoming the person you need to be for good employment or your family.”

She smiled saying, “I did stop by to see Julie and left some intimate gifts she might enjoy seeing you wear.” When I asked what they were. She said, “It would be up to Julie when and if she wanted you to wear them with her.”

“Remember, I am striving for you to stay together as a family. I do not want you to be getting involved with others. It may be tempting and acceptable to most, but you slipping in one area of your life can easily result in falling back to bad patterns.”

We both acknowledge that I looked very different as I went to bed tonight. She got a phone call from Ashley as we were ready to say goodnight. Ashley asked her Mom if she could see and talk to me before I went to sleep. I gave my permission as I was interested in hearing Ashley’s opinion on how I looked.

Ashley, had trouble not laughing as she said, “Wow, Elaine are you becoming a woman?” I quickly said “No,” but I could tell I had not convinced her. She wanted to ask all types of questions. Some I did not want to answer, and well, others I was sore enough that they weren’t important or didn’t make sense to me.

I slept late on Tuesday, but Bridgette had a car packed and we made it to the northern part of Florida near St. Augustine before we stopped for the night. I use to drive all night, but this time as Elaine, I agreed not to. I like riding and talking with Bridgette. She has a very nice voice and we enjoyed singing when we weren’t talking. I think Bridgette was amused by how much she sees I’ve changed as a woman.

We were on the road early and it was not unusual when we stopped that some guys would offer to buy us something. Once we were invited to stop for drinks and maybe more. I couldn’t help as Elaine feeling both flattered and disgusted. Bridgette was amused as she could tell when I found a guy or a woman attractive. Once when we got back into the car to travel, she dropped two ice cubes down the front of my blouse. I tried jumping out of the car as they were stuck in my bra. Bridgette had automatically locked the doors to stop my escape.

She asked me if I had ever done it to Julie or other women and thought it was funny. She did not need my answer to know. The second night we had made it into Virginia. The next day we made it easy to New York City. I had fallen asleep on the last part of the trip. Bridgette had agreed to wake me so I could make myself more presentable.

I was worried about making a good impression with Julie and Robin. When she woke me, we were already in front of my home. Julie and Robin were coming out the door to greet us. I was soon teary-eyed as Robin jumped into my arms and Julie was there with a hug from behind and kiss.

It was especially embarrassing as my mother was there as well.

My mother previously had learned I was not living at home, but only on Tuesday did she learn that I was now dressing as a woman. She was glad to hear Julie and I were happily married and that I still had my job.

When I looked to her for sympathy, she gave me a difficult time. “Danny, no Elaine, I am very upset that you have caused this much trouble. While I am thankful, Bridgette is getting you to change your behavior and attitude. I didn’t know you had gotten so bad as to warrant something this radical. Does your sister know you have taken to using her name? You better hope none of her friends sees you in the city and mistakes you for her.”

“Mother, no one in their right mind would mistake me for Ruth.” Julie, as well as my mother, told me I was wrong. They even showed pictures of me now and my sister on their smartphones. Needless to say, my sister is naturally prettier but the resemblance is close enough. It was a half-hour later I received a phone call from my sister Ruth. She’s interested to know why I had myself made up to look like her. She plans to come to see me this weekend.

I was taken in by how beautiful Julie is in her eighth month of pregnancy. Truthfully, I had not noticed such things when she was pregnant with Robin. I felt bad that it took being Elaine Hall to be a better husband and father. I was relieved by how Julie and Robin warmed up to me. My mother took Robin out for breakfast in the morning.

I was tempted to try and undo my lower surgery to find some way to function as a man when Julie and I were together. Julie swiftly made it known it was not needed. She taught me instead of how to be gentle and to please her in ways that were pleasant to her. The next night we dressed up and went out to eat as a family. Julie chose a pretty peach dress for me that was short in the skirt and showed off my feminine curves. One man realizing I was not Julie’s female lover came over and asked me for a dance. I began to say ‘no’ when Julie spoke up insisting we didn't want to be interrupted.

“Auntie Elaine, Mom, and I both thought that was funny. We hope you weren’t too embarrassed.” Robin giggled as the little girl she is. I could not help but giggle with her.

It was momentarily awkward for Julie with her being pregnant and by some appearances that her lover was another woman. She did enjoy taking me shopping, helping me to get new clothes for work, leisure, and special times out.

It was the next morning that my sister Ruth came to visit. She said, “I gave up thinking this day would come. Though I am not surprised by your attitude towards women got you in trouble.”

Julie was the first to ask, “What do you mean you gave up thinking this day would come?”

Ruth said, “Mom caught him dressing in my clothes when he was about ten and Daddy got very angry and disciplined him. It was soon after that, Dan stopped doing it. He began getting angry with girls sometime after that. It was after that that he became more like Daddy.”

I was tired of talking with the women so I gave my attention to time with Robin. I was watching Robin play with her dolls when Julie and Ruth decided to go shopping without us. I was surprised not that they bought something for me but that they called me to our bedroom and showed me they had bought a fancy doll. I was to take it to my apartment so I could play with it and that it would be there when Robin came to visit.

Sunday evening, I needed to go back to my apartment, and Bridgette had sent Jerry her special taxi driver to give me a ride back. I was kidded about the number of new clothes. Once I got back there was a good hour of modeling some of my new clothes.

Bridgette had Monica, a nurse friend, come over and examine me to make sure I had no problems from the procedures. She also took time to explain female hygiene in a little more depth. She also gave me my next dosage of female hormones as well as a booster for my blocker. It was during her exam that I first experienced a new sensitivity to being touched.

I asked Monica, “Do you know whether Ashley had really been a street person?”

Monica said, “It probably puts a knot in your panties to have someone younger like that trying to help you. It should be enough to tell you, she wasn’t always Bridgette’s though she has both the beauty and intelligence of her mom.

The next morning when I got dressed for work and already, I saw a beautiful woman looking back at me in the mirror. I ran my hand over the top of my blouse and I could feel my breasts being touched. No longer did I need to fear my cleavage showed a seam where a breast form met my body.

I called for Jerry and went to work without going upstairs or getting Bridgette or Cathy’s approval on how I looked or asking if I could leave. Lynn was happy to see me come in before 7:30 a.m. There was work for the day on my tablet, but Lynn had Rachel, her personal secretary, and me to sit down with her. “Rachel, I need for you to communicate to our division that Elaine Hall is now permanently my Administrative Assistant. I want to hear the things she is doing right. I would like to be informed personally if anyone including our clients has any problems with her.”

“Today Tom Granger and Roberta Stillwell will be meeting with Elaine and me in preparation for a new client and a very significant announcement by the end of the week. Our meetings, information, and communications must remain confidential."

Rachel Steward spoke up, “A Dr. Josie Apgar called just before I came in. She said you wanted her to meet with Elaine at 11:00 a.m. Will that be okay or should I call back and reschedule that appointment?

“No, Josie’s one of the best. I think it is important that she and Elaine have a working relationship with all the demands on Elaine’s life.”

Josie Apgar’s name was new to me so I quickly asked, “Who is she, and in what area are we going to be working together?”

Lynn said, “You will know soon enough.” Lynn and Rachel went through a list of projects and responsibilities coming under the auspices of our division and Lynn’s office. Five of which I would have some responsibilities; I needed to keep updated with the remainder as Lynn’s Administrative Assistant.

Upon Secretary Steward’s leaving the office and fully closing the door, Lynn sat me back down. “I am giving you a key to the professional women’s locker and workout area. You are welcome to use it 6-6:45 a.m. when I’m to be there. If you want a massage, let me set up your first appointment. If ever I see your behavior become inappropriate I will fire you immediately.”

“Now, regarding Dr. Apgar, she is one of the top therapists in the city working almost exclusively with executives and professional women. Ms. Riley and I have decided it is time for you to have another professional working with you in support of your mental and emotional well-being.”

I joked, “Almost exclusively with professional women, is that because I am almost a woman?”

Lynn moved to sit directly across from me, “Elaine, what you are dealing with, would be challenging enough for a mature woman. Yes, while we believe you are very capable in many areas you could use the support of someone of her background and capabilities. You will, however, be given the final say if she is the person you want working with you.”

I speak up sarcastically, “But if I say ‘no’ to her, I’ll either be let go or given another bitter alternative, won’t I?” I partially resigned, but I get to voice a bit of sarcasm.

“No, not at all; you would be given a list of some twelve counselors from which we believe you would be able to find several agreeable possibilities. And while Dr. Apgar or the person of your choice would be paid for under the company’s plan; she will be exclusively your therapist.”

I reply, “Then why would I even want to consider her?”

“Bridgette has both a good understanding of what you are and will be working through. She thinks you should have someone objective and professional working on your behalf. She knows of Dr. Josephine Apgar and some people she has helped. She has visited with Dr. Apgar in the hope she would be willing to work with you. Dr. Apgar’s agreement would be dependent upon your mutual consent.”

We only had enough time to share cups of tea and light conversation before Rachel buzzed in, “Dr. Apgar is here.” Dr. Josephine Apgar is a psychiatrist, I suspect she’s about forty-five. The introductions are warm and cordial.

Lynn pushes a button to unlock a door to a smaller office off of hers. “Elaine, why don’t you take Dr. Apgar to your new office and visit with her. I will be here if you come to any decisions about working together.”

‘My office’, is not lost on me, Lynn and others seem to be going out of their way in helping me to make things work. As Ron had said, ‘I’m not sure about what others see in me that makes me worth their while, but I am pleased they do.

I stepped into the office with Dr. Apgar following me. I am sure my looking around made it obvious to Dr. Apgar that I was surprised and new to the office. I turn around and apologize for being rude.

There are two nice chairs in front of my desk and I motion for her to sit in one and I take the other across from her. “Ms. Elaine Hall, I would like you to call me Josie if you are comfortable. Please tell me how you would like me to address you, that could include Dan if you so desire. Though we are in your office I would appreciate being able to conduct this meeting.”

“It is my understanding that part of the situation might be seen as a disciplinary action, hoping to foster a positive change in how you relate to others.”

I speak up, “Yes, I guess you’re to help me accept my being a woman and to learn how to deal with working relationships with women?”

Josie, “Please, I understand how you might jump to that conclusion. I understand there are some issues there that we can work together on if you desire. You know Bridgette is an accomplished counselor for her young years. Underlying the work and family relationships, Bridgette thinks there is a greater issue of you being able to receive and feel love that sabotages many other areas of your life.” She pauses, letting what she has said to sink in.

I am staring off Josie’s left shoulder, picturing the last few days and time that I’ve been Elaine. I think of Julie and Robin, there is no trouble thinking how important they are. But I see it as one staying aloof; there’s the time of Bridgette and Cathy talking to me when they hit the sore spot of not feeling loved. I have been stepping through things trying to please Lynn and Bridgette. Trying to hold onto me. Their support and encouragement I turned away, deep inside I feel it as an intrusion and attack on me. Three images come to mind one is Robin accepting me as Elaine hoping this means I could be more like her ‘mommy’, but it is not a matter of appearance. Julie, I see her and hear her voice over the phone. She’s loving me, but even now I am holding her from touching me. The last image is most disturbing, several times I’ve seen myself in the mirror as Elaine and hurting. And I’m praying, I have felt love as Elaine, but I’m afraid. “Yes, yes,” I’m crying, “I would appreciate your help.” Josie has lightly touched one of my hands and I am looking into her eyes, smiling through tears. She has given me a tissue with which I dab my eyes and begin to regain my composure.

I thought only fifteen minutes had passed but it is closer to fifty. I expect the session will be over. Josie sits back, “Relax this first session often takes an hour and a half; if it runs longer that will be my concern.” We talked easily for another forty minutes over a range of things from growing up and my father, to my current family and work situation. She is not a big advocate of feminization as she calls it, but we agree, it’s probably a good place for me to be working through things right now.

Lynn has come back from meeting with someone as we invite her into my office. Lynn is surprised when I say, “I’m thankful you and Bridgette have introduced me to Dr. Josie Apgar. I’d like to meet with her weekly for a month and then she thinks I might be able to cut back to every other week.” Dr. Apgar confirms my statement and has me scheduled to meet with her.

I have enough time to go to the restroom and to take care of things including fixing my face. Tom Granger and Roberta Stillwell are there and waiting with Lynn as I return. We go to an executive meeting/dining area for a late luncheon meeting. We have the choice of chicken or prime rib, wild rice or baked potato, and asparagus. I began with a salad but I’m starving and I’m glad when Lynn speaks up, “Treat yourself, young lady.” My portion of the prime rib is now petite, but I felt like I was indulging myself.

If the meal was satisfying, the meeting with Tom and Roberta was even more so. They had received our information and communicated with our new clients. They would be ready to begin implementation this coming week if the client was ready. Roberta and Tom expected our client not to make any announcement until the following Wednesday or that Friday. They expected to have a core team of three lead members for each regional center. They would take half their staff from our corporate pool with the other half being hired from those regions.

It was productive spending of three hours, but it meant Lynn and I still had at least another two hours of work. Julie came to the office unannounced at 5:00 p.m. she had been to her doctor’s appointment. Robin was with her and they had ultra-sound pictures of the baby. The day had been too much and I couldn’t help but cry with joy.

We took time so I could show them my new office. It was a third the size of Lynn’s office not counting her closet, filing room, and private restroom. Julie informed me she too was being given a new and larger office. She said, “I think it is their way of wooing me back after the baby comes.”

Lynn sits down with us, talking to Julie as well as me. “We usually give the men two weeks spousal leave. I don’t want to see Elaine falling off the wagon and backsliding but I’d be open to giving him three weeks if she’s really helping and bonding.”

Julie looks to Lynn, “I’m not sure either. I hear nice things about how Elaine is coming across, I am sure no one wants to see the ugly side of Dan reappear.” Julie smiles, “Maybe we will get a clue when Cathy and Bridgette have their baby and Elaine gets a chance to be domestic before and after work.”

I was nervous to ask, “Lynn, I’m not really that hungry, but I would like to take my wife and daughter to dinner and make sure they are home safely. I know we have a lot of work to do, but you said I’m to take care of my family as well.”

Lynn is happy, “I agree, but I also need you to help get things done. Please try to be here shortly after 6:00 tomorrow morning to begin working.” Lynn lightly giggles, “If you’re being antsy means what I think, please take care of that before you go.” I was embarrassed that she realized I had to pee, but I quickly excuse myself and then come back.

I would have taken Julie to a more upscale restaurant, but we agree to go to a family-friendly place to eat. I tried calling Jerry to taxi us. But he sent Hector instead, saying he helped Bridgette with several things.

Robin commented on my legs as we were in transit. Julie said I was wearing the short skirt outfit that Robin had seen. Robin spoke in her cute voice, “Mommy, I think daddy’s comfortable as Aunt Elaine, he thinks he’s just another woman.” Looking up to Hector, I’m not sure if he is surprised by what he’s hearing.

We are soon to the restaurant and Hector tells me. “If you want to call me and I’ll help you get your wife and little girl home safely and then get you back to the apartment.” I thank him and got his number to call when I needed him.

We took an hour to eat and talk. There was a violinist who came to our table, he brought three roses when he came. “You are sisters-in-law, yes, but sisters at heart, no?” Julie smiles and says, “Something like that we are very special to each other.”

We had gotten up to leave and a woman came over to greet us, and I prayed I was wrong in recognizing her. “I’m sorry, I heard her mention your name as Elaine Hall. You don’t have a sister Ruth do you? You probably don’t recognize me but I’m her best friend from college, Beth.”

I spoke, “I’d deny it Beth, but I’m sure something would give it away.” We sit down for a moment. I introduce Robin and Julie.

Beth is joyfully excited, “I was with your sister and your mother and when I brought up your name, I couldn’t believe they said you were looking like her.” Beth turns to Julie, “OMG, I hope you like having your own little Ken doll and making him up as Barbie. It has to be better than the Neanderthal you had gotten stuck with.”

“I could forego the competition in fashion and looks,” Julie says. “But getting the person who is emerging makes it worthwhile. I would like to ask for discretion if not for us at least for his sister Ruth.” That soon being over, we were laughing as we went out to find Hector waiting for us.

It was a thirty-minute drive taking Julie and Robin home and another twenty-five back into the city and to my apartment

It was still only nine-thirty, Bridgette and Cathy were anxious to hear of my long day. While I was exhausted, I too had a desire to visit. Cathy did not know about Dr. Apgar, but she understood the help she could be. She said, “I am proud of Bridgette and happy for you. It is good for one professional to know when to ask the help of another. I think it was Melanie who first spoke of the need.”

Bridgette talked about my change in the initiative. “Having left on your own in the morning, making your decision about Dr. Josie, and finally asking for time to take your family to dinner. How are you feeling I was worried it might be overwhelming?”

“To be truthful I’m not sure which I want more to be angry or cry.” Bridgette steps between me and Cathy and then comes around and starts massaging my neck and shoulders. Cathy scoots her chair back. I stand up and I’m all tense.

Bridgette says, “If you feel like you need to act on your anger, we can go down to your apartment. You and I could visit there if need be.”

I stare Bridgette in the eye, “You’re telling me you are afraid of me right now?”

“I believe you’re angry and want to explode, but I can handle that if you do. But I also think you did a lot of good things today that you don’t want to undo.” Bridgette waited to make sure she had my attention and that I was thinking.

She said, “So tell me about this morning when you got up and went to work on your own?”

“I just got up early and decided I wanted to do it on my own. I wanted to wear this skirt suit and to decide my own look. It wasn’t overboard but it was a step with me being comfortable with myself. I was surprised by how cute I looked, but it also had to be about how I did my work. So I made sure I got there early in case Lynn said something.”

“Did you worry that you would get in trouble? Did you know that Lynn called after she figured you got there on your own?”

“I knew by 8:30 when no one came down on my ass, that what I did was good, at least okay. When I first heard about Dr. Apgar, I thought someone was pulling my string and I was being set up again. I kept my cool and things continued to come together.”

“When Josie came and I started to get good vibes and Lynn suggested we meet in my new office. I tried to hold onto being upset and cynical, but it was hard and then impossible. When Josie first started to speak to me, I was cynical again. She was quiet and it caused me to think. I pictured Robin and then Julie and finally me, but I saw myself as Elaine and I knew I had felt love. I knew I was safe with Josie, and if I had a chance at being loved, it was with her help.”

“…I wanted to be angry with you and Lynn but I knew you cared and recognized that I needed Josie and freedom to be me if I were really going to make it. We, Lynn and I, had an important meeting and it went great and I was part of it. It was like okay that I was working as part of a team and not trying to get the glory.”

“When Julie showed up unannounced I thought I’d come unglued again. Part of me was angry that she hadn’t checked and got my okay. It was like she was acting on her own. She showed me the ultrasound picture of our baby girl. I began to cry as I hugged Robin. I did and didn’t want time with them. Part of me doesn’t want to care that it meant I was falling more into your and Lynn’s trap, feeling like a woman. But I also got what Lynn had said, taking care of my family was good for work too.”

I go quiet, I don’t want to say or feel anything. Not speaking worked, but I find myself first hugging Bridgette and then I approach Cathy. I’m worried about what Bridgette would do if I do anything inappropriate. I get down on my knees in front of Cathy. First I gently put a hand on her tummy where the baby is and then I hug her and put my cheek and ear on her. The noise around me goes quiet and I can hear a whooshing sound and small beats. I know it’s their baby.

“I’m going to be a mommy or daddy too.” I tell them,

To be continued…

(If you have not read Ashley Phoenix Riley, you might enjoy doing so. It is a completed story)

Please indicate if it’s a good story, and leave a comment or write to the author. Your comments are appreciated and helpful. Thanks, Jessica

Five years ago I turned thirty and to keep my job I began to use my sister’s name... A comedy of errors and my warped attitude necessitated a change if I were to stay employed... The economic downswing, turned into a recession; for those losing houses, jobs or both it was depressing. …Julie and I were expecting our second child before the end of the year, not be a good time to lose my job.

It was the following week that Tom, Roberta, and I accompanied V.P. Lynn Watts and CEO Mr. Bradley Cooper to Philadelphia for Alloyed Production Corporation, APC. They announced awarding us their new communications and security contract. We knew IMP’s system as we took over the communications and security program of APC with the announcement. We were aware IMP expected the system to crash and that APC needs to go crawling back begging for their help. IMP built traps in the system they sold them, otherwise called trip mechanisms, and extra programs that were to run if someone else tried to take charge or replace APC’s system. We were ready for the lion’s share of them. And we had already bypassed many of them.

Ha, it didn’t happen as they expected; we knew some heads would roll at IMP. Though that was not our desire. Lynn and I would watch for those employees in the coming months. There were some of their personnel, we would like to pick up if they were let go. If we could hire them it would allow us to learn the strengths of their systems and learn from them. We would be picking up over a dozen of the staff IMP that was cut. Three became silent consultants to us, so they could continue to draw their severance packages. Two of the three were hired by Lynn to work with Tom and Roberta, there with Alloyed's programs.

It was nice to be in Philadelphia and to be seen as a VIP. It is a new experience for me. Roberta has a very good friend Terri; with who she will be working here. I’m invited out with them to go to the Shampoo Night Club after other festivities close down. The celebration is work for me as I am responsible to remember names and get contact and background information. Tom and Roberta have it hard. They are fielding issues arising from the changeover all the while as they keep a calm appearance and act as important dignitaries.

It is particularly nice to see Roberta as well as myself dressed up. She has bumped me twice and gotten into casual conversations with me which is very unusual. Lynn finally talks to me, “I will tell you once, you’re a big girl and what you do on your time is your business. You should remember that you and Roberta will need to continue to work together.”

I’m surprised, “You’re saying it’s okay that she’s hitting on me?” I must have mouthed, ‘Dan or Elaine’?

Lynn smiles, “She may not know about Dan, and then she might not care. You do realize she has gotten you aroused?”

I pause and then responded, “No, I’m not.”

“I’m not talking about your little boy. I can tell your surgery has left your girl feelings intact.”

We, Lynn, Roberta, and I, are back at Lynn’s suite changing for the banquet dinner. It is my third change of the day. Previously one suit, at most a change of a shirt would suffice all day. I notice this last dress is now snugger in the hips than it had been; quietly I am pleased, I expect it is just weight gain. I have a jacket that is more like a vest with sleeves. Lynn says, “It needs to stay on for dinner but if you stay around to dance it can come off.”

I am surprised after dinner when various recognitions are to be given that I am singled out by Mr. Williams to come to the podium. His daughter Gloria is recognized and representing her John Hopkins medical research group. Mr. Williams shared how I and my resource people saved a multi-million dollar research project. I am presented with a twenty-five thousand dollar check. I would have been blown away if I had gotten to keep it, but I present it to Gloria’s research group. Gloria takes the opportunity to pull me aside, whispering what she wants to do with me.

I would like to deny that I am unmoved by Gloria or Roberta, instead, I realize I am getting hot and moist in ways not common for me. Gloria asks, “Please get your purse and come to the Lady's room with me.” I do, but I am caught off guard when the restroom ends up being the bathroom of her tenth-floor room. “We don’t have enough time to more than warm up, but Terri one of our people says you and Roberta are going to Shampoo tonight. We can take more time there.”

I need to freshen my makeup, button my blouse, and Gloria’s happy as she has made it a more difficult task by how nervous she's made me. Lynn was happy to see my return. She asks, “Please stand and act as my associate, maybe the others will get the message to leave you alone for now.”

Ruth commented on how beautiful the outfit she purchased for me looks and thanks me for wearing it. “I would apologize for our daughter’s affections, but I’m told her work is demanding and stressful. I guess it is her way of releasing her tension. It is a different day and time, truthfully while I wouldn’t do it myself, I am a bit jealous. I hope she does not cause you any hurt nor you her.”

I am neither wanting to cross over any lines but neither am I staying far enough away as maybe I should. I could hear the music and get caught up in the night lights before we ever got close to the Shampoo Night Club. I was down to my shortest skirt outfit to go out.

Roberta and I met Terri and Gloria in the lounge off of the lobby. We could have walked, but that was not good propriety, especially with an executive’s daughter. Gloria and Terri both flashed cards that assured us immediate entrance into the main floor. Terri and Gloria told us there’s a more intimate lounge when we tire of dancing. I was the only one of us in heels, they’re 3 ½” which the others love. While I led a few dances, it was strange to do so dressed as a woman. Being in heels I was less aggressive as the lead dancer. The same was not true for Gloria nor Terri. Both preferred slow dances allowing more intimate feelings to be conveyed and for conversation.

During the third dance with Gloria, she began to nibble on my ear. Going back to our seats she asked me to grab my purse. I was surprised when we passed the women’s restrooms. We climbed two flights of stairs to a dimly lit lounge. Glory could tell I was getting tense. “Don’t worry you won’t get pregnant from me. You won’t do anything you don’t want.”

I said, “I shouldn’t be here.”

“But you want to or else you wouldn’t be here. Look me in the eye am I correct,” Glory asked? We were seated away from others on an oversized, overstuffed lounge chair. I had not known why Roberta suggested I wear the bra which hooked in front, but I knew now. Seemingly, Glory could tell what I was wearing. It was not like she was quick or pressing me. It seemed slow and very romantic.

I was upfront about being a trans-girl. Glory said, “I figured that out in Baltimore, but somehow it felt more like a bigger revelation to you than to me. It must be hard on your old ego that I can turn you on. Love is fickle, unpredictable, it is not just about sex. I would love to have you, but I will only go so far.”

“It felt like the last time we met, was the first time you knew you were a girl capable of receiving and giving love. If your wife would ever let me have your seed; I would find another woman I could love and share a family with.”

My hand was inside Glory’s leg and I had a tender touch upon her. Her head gently went back, her mouth open and there was a sigh word could not express. I stretched to kiss her and there was a deep passion that passed both ways. Soon after that we collected ourselves and were back on our feet. We were dancing to a slow tune heard from two floors below.

Gloria smiled at me, “I am indebted to you twice.” She paused and stepped back, knowing I was wondering how? She reached in my blouse and she reconnected my bra and buttoned my blouse. “You helped to save our research project and you helped a spoiled rich girl to know she shouldn’t just take whatever she wants.” She looks into my eyes, “I suspect you are just finding out you’re lovable and I can tell you love someone and your daughter. They get first dibs on you. That is especially surprising because I think I love you. I don’t want you coming back.”

Glory and I interlaced our fingers and made our way downstairs and back to our hotel.

I had missed my appointment with Dr. Josie Apgar, because of the contract announcement APC, but I called in the morning and made an emergency appointment.

“Elaine, when we first met, you told me once as a young boy you got into your parents’ closet and into a makeup kit your mother had hidden away. Tell me again what happened next? Remember that was in the past, it’s just a memory and cannot hurt you. You’re safe now and you won’t be judged.”

I said, “I had put on some eyeshadow and lipstick. I was feeling good and imagining I was like my mommy. Then the closet door opened more and my dad was there. He looked at me and at first, I thought he smiled, but then his expression changed. He was soon filled with anger and hate. He did all he could from stopping himself from beating me to…”

Josie asks, “Elaine, can you see the makeup in the kit, look at it closely. Now go over to your mother’s vanity where she keeps her makeup.”

I speak as Elaine, “It’s in the top left drawer; I see it.”

“What kind of makeup does your mother use?” Josie’s asking in a gentle voice. “How about what you found hidden in the closet?”

“My Mother’s drawer had mostly Maybelline and some Revlon. The makeup in the closet was mostly Cover-girl with other different brands. Why was she keeping what she didn’t use?”

“Have you ever heard something like “The times were different then?”

“Yes, my mother said often said ‘When your father grew up things were different.’”

Doc asked, “How about your father?”

“My dad said, ‘If his father would have ever caught him doing something like that there would be hell to pay and he wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.’”

“Dr. Apgar, in college psychology we learned problems like abuse and alcoholism often cycled through families. Are you trying to excuse how he treated me? You’re not suggesting my father did?”

“No Dan, you first need to work on yourself. You’ve said, Bridgette and Lynn have seen swings in you; where all of a sudden you get angry or shut down because you’re ready to explode. You’re a man and you work in the stressful business world. I generally work with professional women like Elaine. It’s hard at times to be sensitive in a very insensitive environment.”

“S*@!, no sooner I begin to embrace who I am and I get angry; I worked hard to be the person my Dad liked and the dog eats dog professional world I’m in.

There was a buzz into Dr. Apgar’s office. Josie, “We have had a very important session today. I sent a note to Lynn your boss, it is very important to keep your Tuesday appointments if at all possible. That goes double for you. I do need for you to agree that you will call and reach out to me or Bridgette and not do anything to hurt yourself or anyone.”

I hadn’t talked like I had planned about Philadelphia but Josie was there for me and I opened up so much more. I broke into tears and I was glad she gave me the time to regain my composure.

I spent most of the rest of the day talking to Bridgette and Cathy. Bridgette was initially very upset with me but became a bit thankful about what happened with Gloria. She and Cathy spoke with me at length wanting to be sure I was being honest with them. They agreed with Gloria, it would do better if I never told Julie, or if I did it should be way in the future. They said their and my chief concern now was growing from here and becoming more responsible concerning my relationships.

It was apparent that Lynn had talked to Bridgette and gave a great report on how well I was doing. Bridgette’s response to me was, “Your wellbeing is much more than Elaine’s place with the company and in the workplace. I think you working through issues with Josie and re-establishing your presence in your family needs to grow in importance. Your presence in the workplace needs to become a new standard regarding people’s expectations of you.

Bridgette says, “I am going to need to focus more and more on Cathy and the coming of our baby. I hope you will be well and dependable here, but please know I will continue to be present for you however it is needed. I would like you to be ready to be here for Cathy and Ashley in case I would not be. I do not anticipate that. Beth’s numbers along with Julio, Jerry, and Hector are all here as well as my former partner Steffi.”

Bridgette continues, “You know, if you now needed to step in and be there for Cathy, she sees you as another woman.”

I joke, “Seemingly, I am going to be another woman for at least a year. I am beginning to wonder how I am going to get back to being Dan.”

It was two nights later, Cathy and Bridgette had their first false alarm of the baby coming.

That weekend Bridgette had a reception for past clients. I originally was not invited to go, but Bridgette thought it would be good for me to see others going on with their lives. Over half of the thirty clients who had gone back to their male selves, had tonight come in their female persona, including Ron. Ron recognized me as being V.P. Marilyn Watts' new Assistant Administrator.

Ron asks, “Elaine, I mean Dan is this you. I’ve been hearing about Elaine while hearing and seeing nothing about Dan. Bridgette has to be pleased with your turnaround. …What made it hard to believe it was you, is that Elaine has tied herself into some long-term commitments. I hadn’t heard of Bridgette doing that with her clients. What caused her to change with you?”

I smile, “You’re right Ronnie; she doesn’t seek to change us as you know. Unfortunately, it was my fault for storming ahead on my own. I’ve been getting things right for a change and I wanted to get some credit. I ended up committing myself to a few things. It was going to take a while to gain my credibility back anyway. …but I didn’t mean to commit myself to do it in a skirt.”

Elaine tries to turn the conversation back to Ronnie. “I must say, I had not seen you before as Ronnie. You are quite attractive. I know you don’t come to work like this, but seemingly you and your wife are both comfortable with Ronnie.” I get Ronnie a few more steps away from the reception. “Might it be possible to get you or you and your wife to meet with Julie and me?”

Ronnie’s expression changes, “Elaine, Dan, I don’t know if that would work out. We don’t mind a night out, but we don’t like dealing with the mistakes and bad behavior of my past.”

I joke to change the subject, “I’m sorry to have asked. I do like your outfit, so who dressed you and did your makeup?”

Ronnie giggles in character, “My wife helped a little, but you know quite well that Bridgette’s a stickler on us learning to do things on our own.”

I was up late doing office work and had just sent two files off to Lynn for her perusal before I would see her on Monday.

Bridgette had checked on Cathy and would be back to her momentarily. She knocked on the door from her home to my apartment. “Elaine, I thought you handled yourself well tonight. I wasn’t sure if you would recognize Ron. You two seemed to have a few things to talk about. Neither of you lost your cool or got caught up in a duel of egos. That is a marked departure from both of your pasts.”

“I feel a need to ask, how did it feel to talk to someone who has been able to move on? I would think, with you being tied to continue as Elaine, there could be some hurt.”

I took a breath, “Yes, as Dan there is a little hurt. It makes the surgery and my comfort as Elaine just that much more important to go on and make things work. I’m not sure about how I’ll transition in a year or so. I will be that much more comfortable with myself. Being a woman is becoming more and more second nature. I’m worried as Dan, will I be automatic in checking my makeup in the mirror or worse, wanting to use the women’s restroom.” Bridgette gives a soft giggle. “I guess the good news is I still don’t feel much inside.” Trying to joke there almost cause me to lose my composure and cry. “Crying for myself that seems to come easily enough."

Bridgette stands as to leave, I know she is distracted with Cathy. “Don’t be hard on yourself, you are worth a few tears. As Elaine, you need to remember that those tears could be happy.”

I stood up and gave her a light hug and air kiss, “Overall I am a happier and better person, but I am neither home nor very far on my journey, I’m afraid.”

Come Monday morning it was good to be back at the office, meeting with Lynn with a full week of work ahead of me. I was taken back, by the way, Lynn looked at me as I entered my new office. I looked down at my outfit wondering if something was wrong and quickly checked my hair and makeup in the mirror, but I saw nothing unusual.

“Elaine have you seen your doctor since you’ve gotten back from Florida,” Lynn says, “about reversing those shots?”

“Not yet, Ms. Lynn, the surgeon in Florida gave me the new prescription I needed. I even have a refill, so I thought I could wait. …Dr. Richards said it would help to get me back to looking like myself.” Lynn is still staring at me, so I ask, “Has my appearance already begun to change back?”

She lowers her voice, seemingly not to be heard by others, though we’re alone in her office “I do see a marked change in your appearance, but it is more to being feminine not back to your old self as seemingly you were thinking.”

I ask, “You should have expected that I’m going to do better with my hair, makeup and even dressing better as Elaine?”

Lynn takes my hands as she encourages me to sit down next to her. “Elaine, it’s more than that, your hips seem to have filled out some and your waist, well your male gut is gone. Your weight has reapportioned itself.” Lynn has a closet with a full-length mirror inside the door. I go to it and check. I am both happy and a little distraught at seeing myself.

I am amused that I see glimpses of Julie in me. I guess it makes some sense. Julie wouldn’t be flattered by the thought as she is so much more attractive. I shake my head to bring my thoughts back to now. “I had an appointment for today but I canceled it Friday, knowing we needed to get back to work. I have my appointment with Dr. Josephine Apgar tomorrow; I’ll wait and ask her what I should do.”

Lynn spoke up as my boss, “You will call yet this morning and let her be the one having oversight of your general health.”

It is only seven-forty in the morning, so I am surprised when I call the OB/GYN clinic and someone answers. I can get into seeing Aubrey Mead, Dr. Heather’s nurse-practitioner, mid-afternoon today or on Thursday. Seeing Dr. Heather Sterling would be a minimum of a two-week wait. I accept the 3:10 appointment today. I text a message to Bridgette of what I was doing, emphasizing it was at Lynn’s request.

Lynn assigns me three projects to be working on during the week. I will once again be working with Deborah Mohr. “Deb knows you are to call and meet with her on her project. She said, you had apologized to her over the phone a while back and have since heard of Elaine’s good work. She said she will be glad to work with you, but told me she will have me on speed dial if you try to mess with her work.”

I say, “I would imagine she was more descriptive in what she would do with me if I crossed her again.”

It became quite humorous when I called Deb about meeting with her. I made the mistake of telling her I had a doctor’s appointment and needed to make sure I got there on time. “That does not sound like the old Dan, I knew. You didn’t like doctors if I remember right, Does this happen to be for Elaine?” I compounded my mistake and said ‘yes’.

We agree to meet at 1:00 in my office as she did not want her people to know my involvement yet. I had a quick lunch of a sandwich, cottage cheese, and tangerine slices, and iced tea from the executive dining room. It was barely 12:45 when Deb knocked at my door and came in. It was strange to have Deb staring at me as others had.

I forgot we had been close friends; she had even become a friend of Julie’s and helped with our wedding and gave an office shower for Julie when she was expecting Robin. ‘I had not always been clueless or insensitive around women, nor a problem for them to work with. I had a tear in my eye as I wanted to hug her but she held back.

Deb tilted back to assess my appearance. “Your transformation is a little more than I expected. Staci said you are passable as a woman; I think that is an understatement.” Deb waved with a circular motion of her hand, “Would you amuse me and turn around so I can fully take you in.”

I tried to ignore her and to invite her to sit down. She waved her hand again and I complied. “Very nice to meet you, Ms. Hall. May I call you ‘El’, or would you rather it be Elaine or Ms. Hall?” I am having trouble as Deb seems to flip back and forth, sounding like my old friend and then a cautious co-worker.

“You can call me ‘El or Elaine’ if you want. Show me where you would like to start,” I say.

Deb pauses where she is, “Are your feelings hurt, or are you wondering what’s up?”

“Something like that, I thought we were friends. I can be just a co-worker if you want?”

Deb’s voice is a little tougher, “I didn’t get that choice five and a half years ago. You were working here as a grad student, we celebrated your growth, advancements, and the joys of your marriage and Robin being born. Once you seemingly caught up with us something changed. I do not plan to let you back in to touch me if you’re going to do that again.” Deb says, “So who are we being asked to work with?”

“I’m sorry Deb,” I’m biting my lower lip which is quivering, “I know you warned me. You were the best co-worker and friend a girl… I could have.”

Deb smiles and reaches to touch my cheek, “You were one of us weren’t you; is that how you became skirted?” I’m frozen in thought, I don’t know how to respond. Deb breaks the silent stalemate. “Let’s work some, we can either get a drink after work, or talk another time, but on our own.”

She says, “I’ll accept for now that I’m working with my old friend. I do hear some of your intellect has come back. Staci and Roberta have been nicely impressed by the transformation in more ways than one.”

Deb shares, “The Watters Enterprises contract is up for renewal July 2016. That with their acquisitions and growth it is such a sweet contract to have. However, the competition will be fierce. You have seen some things being proposed by our company as possible incentives as well as ideas I’ve pulled together. I’m looking for your help in polishing this up and suggestions on how to present it as the time draws near.”

Deb has rolls of enlarged documents and way more stuff on her computer that we project and quickly look through. It is 2:20 and before I leave for my doctor’s appointment; I want to speak up and throw out an idea. “Deb, have you considered working with the Watters’ people, updating what we’re doing for them, and offering a new contract early?”

“We know if they go to free agency, it is going to be a crapshoot at best, and offering a contract even a year from now will be a lot riskier. You and your group have served them well. We need to sell our corporation and to offer Watters a lower rate overall that will only be sweetened by them buying into more we can do for them. Ultimately the agreement will pay added dividends more than worth our while.”

Deb is trying to keep her poker face but I can tell she’s interested. I ask, “What would it cost our corporation just to prepare for the possible loss of their contract? How many tens or hundreds of thousands would it cost them in just making the transition of going with someone else? Our improving the contract and services would go so much smoother and better than what others can realistically deliver.”

“You are right; I wonder why we haven’t thought of approaching it like that.” Deb smiles at me, “You know if we get them to accept our next generation of equipment and programs that they are likely to desire more and better from us down the road?”

I wasn’t sure how things got away from the business at hand and my control at that point, but Deb volunteered to take me to my doctor’s appointment. She was driving, but she did not drop me off. She parked and went with me; saying we would be stopping for a drink afterward.

She is amused and I’m a bit embarrassed as we enter Northwest Manhattan Women’s Clinic. We are sitting in the waiting area when Aubrey Mead’s nurse comes out to speak to me. “Aubrey Mead and Dr. Sterling have received communications from your Naples doctors. Dr. Aubrey wants to do a scope and extensive blood work and have time to consult with you. She didn’t want you to be going home alone. Everything should be fine and safe. It is just that you might be a little sore as well as need to be a little cautious.” The nurse looks to Deb, “It is nice that Elaine has someone else so supportive. Are you a friend, or Elaine’s spouse?”

Deb is reveling in being swept back into my confidential life once again. “O’ I’m just a close friend. We were hoping to stop for a drink and to have a good visit afterward. I guess if we need to reschedule that will be understandable.”

The nurse smiled and looks at both of us, “That likely won’t be needed, but Dr. Mead can help decide that when she sees Elaine. Elaine, it would probably be advisable to make sure you wait and then eat before drinking. Allow some time for the pain meds from the scope to begin to exit your system and you have something in the stomach. That would be advisable if you are likely to have two or three drinks.” The nurse looks back to Deb, “We’re glad that Elaine has someone with her.”

The nurse turns back to me, “If you are willing to have the extensive blood test and exam Dr. Sterling is advising Dr. Mead to do. I’ll set up a room and be back out for you in five minutes.”

After the nurse leaves, Deb’s voice goes soft. “So I take your breast enhancement was done in Naples? And I’m gathering you’re taking hormones and they’re wanting to check on what that is doing to Dan.” If I wasn’t near tears, I would have been red with embarrassment. As it is, I am happy that Deb is here and that she is once again feeling like my close friend.

“I did not plan on you getting to know me this close again so quickly,” I tell her.

Deb lightly grasps my hands, “I can call for Julie or someone who is helping you through this. But I would like to be here for you today if that is okay?”

“Dr. Mead would like to see you now. Please come back with me, the room is ready for your exam.” Dr. Mead was already present. She said, “I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to see you as you came in. I want a full understanding of who you are Elaine. You present yourself very well.”

I went behind a curtain and changed into the exam garment that was left for me. I was a little uneasy about stepping around the curtain and walking to the exam table. I had to be weighed and Dr. Mead announces, “You have lost another three pounds. Are you dieting?”

I tell her, “I’m eating differently, but I can’t say I’m dieting.”

Aubrey says, “It may be from the transforming of your body.” She takes me back and draws blood to be tested. “What I need to know is, are you planning or hoping to transition and become Elaine permanently?”

I remark, “This was all to be just temporary, but I’m beginning to wonder.”

“You are becoming a very convincing woman to me. You seem happier and more comfortable in your skin and with whom you are. I do not see the depression or anxiety that Dr. Heather cites in your previous visits. Today is consistent with the improvement in your frame of mind from before.”

“You said your boss remarked about the possibility of your hips changing. The change is minimal but appears greater because your waist has tapered. It will be important to check and make sure it is not dramatically changing. So I will ask that you make an appointment for three weeks with Dr. Heather Stillwell.”

I agreed but the appointment that worked with my schedule wasn’t for another five weeks.

Deb is happy to see me surface, I was not quite believing how much time Dr. Mead took with me. It was too late to go back to work, but I did call and check in with Lynn. She had heard from Deborah and was pleased we could work together again. She was happy that my doctor was pleased with how I was doing. That was how I saw it, anyway.

We found a nice place with a good happy hour. I ate a few chicken wings as well as some vegetables with dip before I had my first drink. Our first drinks were quickly paid for by an early ladies night special. An appetizer and our second drinks were paid for by two guys that we did not care to meet. We did not let the next guys buy us a round of drinks as we were waiting to eat first. It was not until we sat down to order our meal that I realized Deb was working to protect me from being hit upon.

Deb giggles as she says, “You are so naive as Elaine. I’m surprised you haven’t lost your virginity by now. A woman, as well as two men, were hitting on you and you were clueless.”

I shake off her comment, “I am happily married to Julie and fortunate she hasn’t kicked me out. There is no way men or an attractive woman are going to find me interesting.” Deb is very attractive, if I’m so desirable why is she comfortable being my friend?

Deb jokes, “Julie probably would have kicked you out if Bridgette had not taken you away. As for me, I like Julie too much and wouldn’t date a co-worker anyway. Having a co-worker hit on me or acting repulsive is bad enough.”

It was only 9:30 p.m. when Deb returned me to my apartment after dinner and another drink. I wasn’t feeling any pain until Bridgette convinced me to walk in and show how I looked with my panty and bra still on. She did not expect Cathy to go into labor tonight, but she wanted me to sober up a little if she did.

It was just before midnight that Cathy’s water broke, and she and Bridgette headed for the hospital. Jerry had stayed on-call just for them. Bridgette’s friend Julio came to take Ashley and me to the hospital. Cassandra Erica Johnson-Riley was born at 5:17 in the morning. She was seven pounds and three ounces and was nineteen three-quarter inches long. If her hair color held she would be light-headed like her mom.

Ashley was allowed with Bridgette to see Cathy and the baby. I called into work as early as I could. I was taking the day off to clean Cathy and Bridgette’s apartment. The nursery had been ready for a few weeks, so I decided to wash and care for all of the baby’s bedding. I cooked dinner for the four of us only to find that it would be only Ashley and myself. The two moms would eat together at the hospital.

I helped Ashley to decorate the house for Cathy and Cassandra’s arrival at home the next day.

To be continued…

(If you have not read Ashley Phoenix Riley, you might enjoy doing so. It is a completed story. If you do please let me know.)

Please indicate if it’s a good story, and leave a comment or write to the author. Your comments are appreciated and helpful. This author responds to most comments and personal messages. Thanks, Jessica C

I helped Ashley to decorate the house for Cathy and Cassandra’s arrival at home. Once again, I prepared dinner for them. All Ashley will need to do is to put things on the stove and in the oven as I have left notes for everything. I didn’t know Julie felt the need to stop over to make sure I did everything correctly. She says she didn’t want the new mother to be poisoned, ha. I’m sure she wanted to check on her domestic husband and enjoy the change.

I got to greet Cathy, Bridgette and Cassandra, seeing their new pride and joy, Cassandra being welcomed home. Bridgette was pleasantly surprised. Ashley and I had waited until she went to the hospital before we put most of the decorations around the house. Flowers and balloons had since arrived, adding a festive glow. We had little signs and colorful streamers across doorways and dipping down from lights.

I tried to get out of going to my therapist’s appointment, but Bridgette insisted I keep my appointments with Dr. Apgar. My appointment was at 4:00 p.m. and I was pushed out of the house at 3:00. I had not taken the clues that they wanted family time.

We were early into our visit, and I told her about Cathy having their baby. Dr. Josie Apgar thanked me and we visited a little, “Tell me, please about the other week in Philadelphia, when you said, someone named Gloria came onto you and wanted to make love to you, Elaine?”

“I’m not sure what you want me to talk about.”

“Well, you want to be loved. Wouldn’t that have been a great opportunity to allow someone to make love to you,” she asks?

I can feel I’m getting aroused just at the idea, but I have other, stronger feelings building inside. I’m ready to tear, “But… but I didn’t want to be like Dan, only in skirts. I wanted it so badly, but I want it to last more than fifteen minutes. But yes, I want to be loved, is that so bad!”

Josie smiles and says, “Why is that so hard to say? I hope you feel good about saying that out loud.” I look up and instead of looking away as I had been, I now look directly at Josie. I think to myself, ‘I did say it, didn’t I. Josie does not seem to think any the less of me.’

“My father!” I shouted. “He said I wanted to be cuddled and treated like a sweet thing like my sister. He said I wasn’t pretty that I was to be strong like him. He said, ‘If I wanted to love all I needed to do was to grow up and to take it.’”

“I tried to be like him; I even outdid him. But he always held against me any sign of weakness.”

Josie probed, “What does your father think of you now?”

I was strong and emphatic, but it was all Elaine’s voice, “I don’t care any longer. I haven’t talked to him in over a year. My Mom and sister Elaine know that's enough for me. They’re supportive, the only thing they don’t want to see is the old Dan back.” The idea of my dad knowing sends shivers up and down my spine. I think I was actually shaking.

Dr. Josie inquired, “How did you feel after you Mom and Sister came to know about you as Elaine?”

I smiled through my tears, “I felt their love which I hadn’t felt for so long; it was warm…”

But I changed the conversation and began by sharing about Cathy giving birth to Cassandra and how I helped around the house getting it ready. I prepared a meal yesterday but only Ashley and later Bridgette enjoyed it. I fixed another meal today along with decorating the house. I was a little upset because Julie had come over with Robin to make sure I prepared the meal properly. I had it all set with instructions for when Ashley was to take out the soup to heat and simmer it on the stove. I had chicken breasts to bake over a bed of rice in the oven and two choices for vegetables to be steamed. Ashley had agreed to slice some of Cathy’s favorite bread and cheese.

Josie realized I was stewing about meeting with her, not being thanked for what I had done and not being with them like I wanted. “You do realize Elaine that you are not family; you live in the apartment attached to theirs?”

It hit me, ‘Elaine is new, and she is not a little girl she often acts like at Bridgette’s.’ “Why do I find myself acting like a little girl,” I asked Josie?

Without any expression to give any thought away, Josie asks, “How old is the little girl?”

“I feel like I am eleven, no ten,” I tell her.

She asks, “Who should be thanking you?”

“Well, it’s not going to be my father that’s for sure! It would be nice if it would be Bridgette or Cathy; maybe Julie, my Mother, and Sister could acknowledge what I’ve done.”

Josie asks, “Do your mother or sister know the baby was born or how you have helped?”

She somehow realized they hadn’t. “I don’t know why as Elaine, I expected them to know or praise me?”

Josie asks, “Don’t you really know, think?”

“I want them to see me as Elaine; I want to know if they will love me?” It is like scales are falling from my eyes and I can see. I am happy but also gripped by fear. “I shouldn’t feel like this, I have Julie, Robin, and our own baby coming.” My mood changes, “I can’t be a woman, I’m a father.”

Josie reaches to touch the palms of my hands. “Relax, you have just taken a big step. I think you are in a better place to make things work out if they will.” I smile, though part of it is uneasy. I prefer to know now that everything will be alright. I know what Dr. Apgar said is true, ‘I am in a better position to make things work.’

“Elaine, how do you think Julie and Robin feel about you right now?” I smile as I feel warm inside; I can almost feel their embrace. I see a rose on Josie’s desk, I get up to walk to it and pick it out of its vase and smell it. “You like the beauty and fragrance of the rose?”

I tell her, “It reminds me of the other week when we went to eat together and the violinist came over to play for us. He gave each of us a rose thinking we were all women. I really liked it but was afraid to tell anyone.”

Josie asks, “Do you really think, they didn’t know you liked receiving the rose? Did you take the roses with you as you left the restaurant?”

‘Why did she ask that question,’ “You know we each took our rose. I offered mine to Robin and then Julie, but they told me it was mine. I was glad because I didn’t really want to give it away.”

Josie waits until I look up and faintly smiled. “You know, Julie and Robin and your mother and sister love you, Elaine?” I quietly whisper “Yes.” “Close your eyes for a moment. Now let your wife and daughter, your mother and Ruth come and embrace you.” I can see and feel their presence. I am moved with tears but the tears spring from warmth, I’m loved. “It’s okay if you have tears;” Josie says, “I am pretty sure I can see tears in Julie’s eyes as well as your Mom’s. Did you feel the baby’s kick; I think even she is comfortable with you.” I pause thinking, ‘Can she see what I’m seeing?’ I had felt the baby. While all were tearfully happy for me, Julie and my Mom were the ones most moved to tears.

I feel their embrace, open my eyes knowing that they are not there but that's okay. I am both emotionally happy as well as feeling tired. It is almost 6:00 p.m. when our session ends.

I go to Giuseppe's from where I text Bridgette; “I decided to take my time and give your family time.”

I order a soup and a salad for my dinner. I am sipping a glass of wine when Mama Giuseppe sits across from me. “You’re a more comfortable young lady with yourself, no,” she asks?

I lift my glass and tip it to her, “Yes, thank you.” I tell her that Cathy had her baby and we talk about the baby and how babies change lives.

Mama asks, “Do you have any children?” I pick up my purse and search for my pictures of Robin and Julie, plus I now even have a copy of the baby’s ultrasound. “You a proud parent and now happy. Will you remain a woman?”

I look around and between the noise and people sitting away from us, there's no fear of being heard. “I will for a while, maybe for a long time. I am kind of scared but I guess this is part of who I am. Please don’t tell Bridgette, I’ve said that.”

Mama Giuseppe tells me, “I understand, many things have changed since I grew up that I do not understand. But I know you are a better person than when I first met you. You were filled with bitter vinegar, now you seem to be a good woman. I like you and know you are not strange. Bridgette and Cathy are like family. I have been taught differently, but I cannot believe God does not love them any longer. I too know better.”

It is 8:30 p.m. when I leave the restaurant. It is only about three blocks to the apartment. Mama even has her nephew Frankie walk me home.

I knock from my apartment to Bridgette and Cathy’s and Ashley invites me in. “My Mom called you; she said you left your appointment around 6:00 o’clock. Where have you been?”

Instead of getting defensive I calmly reply, “I sent her a message earlier that I would stop to eat at Giuseppe’s for dinner. I wanted to give you family time.”

Ashley’s eyes brighten up as she notices a change in me. She says, “I remember when I became more comfortable in my own skin. It seems you are becoming more content with yourself.” Ashley paused a moment, “So do you really like yourself or are you just doing time and appeasing everyone?”

I look at this girl who has recently turned sixteen; somehow she understands that I use to think like that. “Yes, I am liking me and others much more. My therapist helped me to put some pieces together and I received some love that I hadn’t felt.”

Ashley opens her arms to embrace me, and I step in to receive it. Soon Ashley takes me by the hand and leads me to Cathy, Bridgette, and baby Cassandra. Cathy is nursing Cassandra and I’m initially embarrassed that I intruded. Cathy warmly smiles, “Come and sit down and relax, for now, you are one of us, one of the girls.”

I sit down, it’s beautiful to see Cathy nursing. Aroused is not the right word. It is as though my body yearns to feel what she is experiencing. It’s like my body has a kindred spirit that is longing for something.

Bridgette speaks up, “Aren’t they beautiful? Cassandra looks so much like her mother.” Cassandra pauses in nursing and Cathy gently breaks the suction. Bridgette lifts Cassandra, bringing her to her shoulder to burp. It is a gentle sound and the baby is alert. The baby seems tiny and so fragile. “Ooou, her diaper just turned warm,” the baby’s making a face and Bridgette asks what she is doing, knowing full well. She waits a moment and then changes their little girl, before giving her back to Cathy.

I did not stay long, though I enjoyed being with them immensely. Bridgette follows me back to my apartment. “So how was your appointment,” Bridgette asks? I sit down and encourage her as well.

“It was like an epiphany I think they call it. Josie, Dr. Apgar helped me to let some walls down. It was like dam water washing over me but in a good way. I felt loved,” I know a big smile came to my expression and Bridgette was happy for me.

We continued to visit, among other things Bridgette said, “If you stay around long enough, maybe you’ll see me being pregnant.”

“If I’m around? What does that mean,” I ask?

Bridgette, “Well, it means, maybe you should quit your job and get on with being Dan. On the other hand, if you continue as you’re going, you’re picking up new patterns in your behavior and maybe in six to twelve months, you’ll be ready to be back home or on your own. How you're beginning to do things, needs to become second nature. It will take a while but it will be better for everyone including you.”

I sit up, taking to heart what she said, “How about when our baby comes if I’m really good could I stay home permanently?”

Bridgette giggled, “I should have known better than to say anything this soon. Your and Julie’s baby will be here in two weeks or so. You are getting better but it will take a while before things to become second nature to Elaine. And then more time to make sure it's second nature to Dan.”

I speak up, “I’m not jumping at returning to Dan, though I want too. I know you think I’ll go back to old ways. Not only am I coming to like women’s fashions; I don’t want to have done all this for nothing. I like who I’m becoming.”

I say, “You can’t know how nice it is to feel love. I like that at work I’m living up to my potential again.” Bridgette smiles, I think she’s hearing and believing what I’m saying. “I stopped at Mama Giuseppe’s and she sat with me as I ate. She could tell I’ve changed, and I enjoyed chatting with her.”

Bridgette asks me to stand up and turn around. “Is that one of your new outfits?” I tell her yes. “I didn’t see what you wore when you left. One way I can tell how you’re doing is that your clothes still look good after seven hours. That wasn’t usually true when you started this.”

When I shower, I find myself singing Fleetwood Mac tunes singing Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie’s parts. I enjoy the water running down my body. I dream of some guy coming in behind me and I like his touch. ‘I can’t believe I’m liking that. It’s okay no one else is here and no one else knows.’

I have lunch with Julie on Thursday and then I go with her to her doctor’s appointment. We go to our last prenatal class and I receive compliments as people are finally comfortable with me.

Come Friday, Staci and I are visiting about our project. A co-worker has realized I am Dan and asks, “How long do you have to put up with this charade?”

I made the mistake of saying “I might stay like this.”

Later when I passed him again, he whispers, “How would you like to have a real man?” I stopped, not believing what I heard. He whispers again, “You look like you could be a girl or do I have to use the back door?”

I stand my ground saying, “You can’t say things like that. You know it can get you in trouble?”

John says, “Go ahead, who do you think they’re going to believe. My record is cleaner than yours Dan. I suggest you stay out of my way unless you want my attention. Do you understand?” I just walked away.

I told Lynn but when she asked, “Are you telling me the truth? Are you sure you didn’t come on to him?” I experienced what women colleagues often complained about as sexual harassment. Lynn said she would not make much of it at this point, stating John was under Max’s protection in another division.

Lynn did say, “I will make note of it and if I ever have the chance he will get his walking papers. He is not very valuable to the company. If he would push his luck in the future, whisper back, ‘You too could be wearing a skirt.’ Truth is we wouldn’t waste our time.”

Over ten days later, I was invited to a corporate function out on Long Island. I got out the beautiful outfit Gloria Williams and her mother purchased for me. I went with the silk panties and satin and lace bra. I would wear silk stockings as well. Having the beautiful blouse on sent shivers over my whole body.

I didn’t have my skirt on when there was a knock at the door from Bridgette’s apartment. I wasn’t thinking as I called for whoever to come in. My bedroom door was wide open as Ashley and Bridgette came in and saw me through the open door. I looked up and there they were looking directly at me. All I could say was, “Isn’t this blouse beautiful, I’ll never have anything like it and the skirt again.”

Ashley snickered, “Please put on your skirt, so we can see them together.” Ashley found a chair out of my sight.

Bridgette came in and close the door behind her. “Lynn called and said she would be here in forty minutes to pick you up. Can I help to make sure you are ready on time?”

“Why is she picking me up? I am willing to take a cab and pay for the expense,” I say.

Bridgette smiles, “That is why; you don’t show up in a cab to where you are going at Bethpage out on Long Island. This is no small estate you are going to. They will be sizing you up to see if you are worthy of rising into the upper echelon or need to be let go. You have a great mind in figuring how to make things work, but your social thinking and skills need to be developed if you have any chance of breaking the glass ceiling in middle management.”

She continues, “You will do well tonight if you take your cues from Marilyn Watts, but please don’t stick too close to her. Stacy and or Deborah will likely be there, you might trade off being near to one or the other. If someone offers you a chance to swim in their pool, gracefully decline. That person or someone is trying to discount you as a pretty face and body. You have both, but you are their socially and on business as Lynn's associate.”

I sit to put on my silk stockings and Bridgette compliments me. “You’re very good in putting them on, and it is a good occasion for wearing them. Many of the women will notice and may be envious, but do not flaunt or say that you are wearing them.” When I put on the skirt Bridgette compliments me on how I look overall. She opens the bedroom door, “Ashley, you should see how beautiful the outfit and Elaine are.”

Ashley is impressed and flatters me with praise and then asks, “Can I help with the last of your makeup?” I sit in a small chair near a vanity mirror. Ashley smooths my makeup, adds color to my cheeks and eyes. I look in the mirror and see a woman worthy of being where I am going. It is a look I had not obtained or needed until tonight.

I look back to Ashley, “Thank you, Ashley, you continue to amaze me. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take you shopping sometime and treat you.” Bridgette finished styling my hair and sprayed it ever so lightly. “You might need the extra hold if you are outside at all.” There is a tap on a horn and Ashley confirms, “I think your ride is here. Here’s your purse, do you have everything you need in it?” I check everything, I have my keys for getting back in, my phone, tissues, makeup. Bridgette hands me a wrap and I’m out the door.

It took a good hour plus to get there and a good five minutes from the gate to be let out of the car. There are seventy guests, I know five and recognize maybe fifteen others. Bridgette was right I stepped into a world I don’t really know. Mrs. Mary Halstead greets us warmly. Upon hearing I’m Elaine Hall, she says, “My husband has mentioned you. You’re Marilyn’s associate are you not?”

“I am just her assistant, and she is very good.”

“Would you mind if I show you around,” she asks? She actually offers me her arm, which I take. She calls a waiter to offer me a glass of wine. When she takes one, I follow doing the same. She says, “During this downturn, Warren says, ‘your division is actually growing. And he says that you working with Marilyn and others is an important part. How is that?”

We are interrupted by others and the conversation changes to fashion, yachts, the stock market, and one-up-man-ship. Warren Halstead is a key member of the Board of Directors. He is a younger member coming from old-money. Seemingly several are out to embarrass Warren and his wife for reasons I don’t know or understand.

I had done some of my homework before coming and I knew what a few of them did. Warren was invited to the Board three years ago by CEO Bradley Cooper. I was first taken back when a Mrs. Marti Johnson calls Mrs. Halstead’s dress quaint and compliments her on a modest yet nice gathering.

I speak, “I do not have your vast experience, but it was my understanding that this will be the largest such gathering, some forty percent bigger than any of the other gatherings in the past three years for sure and may five years.”

Ms. Johnson backtracks, “I assure you, you misunderstood me.” She quickly moves on. Staci later confirms for me that the Johnsons are from a division that acts as a holding company I acquiring, merging, and selling off companies. They had acquired land and companies that are presently doing very poorly on the books and as real estate.

The meal was great, though it was too rich and beyond my experience and expertise in evaluating. Fortunately, I ate with Deborah and she guided me through proper meal etiquette. If Mrs. Halstead or others would ask later I knew what I ate and why it was superb. I enjoyed the jazz quartet that played prior to dinner. Mr. Brad Cooper’s address put the company in a good light, but spoke to areas of concern both in light of the economy and company performance. He stated, “Politics aside, many people in the business world are talking about jumping ship, but few know where to jump. The fleet of our corporation will do better by sailing forward the best we can. We shouldn’t get stagnant nor complacent.” He pointed to Lynn and our communications and security division as taking pro-active yet financially responsible routes in going forward.

It was near 9:00 p.m. when I receive a call from Julie, her water had broken and she's in route to the hospital. It was not necessarily wise, but I pushed away from the table. I did not have access to Lynn. Fortunately Mrs. Halstead came to see what my need was. “Elaine, how can I help you?”

I tell her, “I need to get to a Manhattan hospital, I have a family emergency.”

Mary firsts suggests, “Maybe another family member can cover for you until you can get there? I know it feels important to you, may be if you tell me more, I can be of help.”

I am walking in circles, I know if I say the truth it quite likely means my career would be over. “I am sorry Mrs. Halstead, it’s hard to explain, but my wife has just gone to the hospital to have a baby. I need to get there as soon as I can. But I came with Marilyn Watts, so my transport is not mine.”

She says, “I know who you are.” Mrs. Halstead’s face goes a little red, as she calls out, “Marie, call Rodney here promptly to give this woman a quick ride to Manhattan, I will get a state trooper friend to get us some added help.”

With Rodney’s heavy foot on the gas and a State Trooper catching up to us fifteen miles down the road, we make very good time. We are to Columbia Presbyterian south of the George Washington Bridge in record time.

My heart and nerves are returning near normal as Bridgette meets me with news that Julie is fine and has just dilated to five. I quickly wash, gown and get to Julie. She had only been there thirty minutes herself. I would like to go out to kiss and speak to Robin and my mother. But I don’t; while Julie’s parents know about me, this will be the first time they see me in all of Elaine’s glory.

Often second and third babies can come quickly, and Julie carries the baby until 1:14 in the morning. She gives birth to a girl and she is beautiful. She weigh 7 pounds 14 ounces and is 20.21 inches long. She has little wisps of auburn hair like her mother. I know her name but wait to say it until Julie can be the one to tell our moms and Robin in the room.

Mr. and Mrs. Hunt are taken back when they first see me. Sharon cautiously comes up to me, peers into my eyes, “Dan …Elaine the spouse does not usually come in heels and so finely dressed.” She gives me a big hug, though I am sure she would just as well sit me down for a lecture. But Robin is in my arms. “Daddy how is Mommy and my baby sister, I want to see them!”

“You will have to wait. They need to get your Mommy situated in her room.”

Robin glides her hand over my face, “Daddy, you look especially pretty. Did you get pretty for Mommy and the baby?”

I am brought back in thought and remembering where I’ve been. I look around to see if Rodney or a state trooper were here. Bridgette assures me, “Everything is fine. Lynn says she’ll speak to you soon. She and Mary Halstead send their wishes for mom and baby.” With Robin still in one arm and straddled on a hip, I give a big hug to Bridgette. I am for some reason filled with tears and celebrating in her arms. Ashley is with her and hugs all three of us. She has some tissues and begins to dab my eyes and fix my makeup and then my hair.

I am antsy and leave the waiting area and head to find Julie and the baby. It is a beautiful room despite the building being old. Julie is up in the bed and nursing. She looks up to me, “Isn’t Andrea the most beautiful baby?” I kind of echo her, “Andrea Juliet is beautiful like her mother.”

A nurse comes in, “Sorry but only the spouse is allowed in so far.”

Julie speaks up, “This is my spouse, Elaine.” She can’t help but giggle at the nurse’s embarrassment. The nurse thinks a game is being played and speaks up again, “I was told you have a husband, now would you tell me which is it, is she your spouse or you have a husband?”

“I’m sorry for the confusion,” Julie says, “Elaine announced she’s transgendered after I became pregnant again.” Satisfied with the answer, though not too pleased, the nurse leaves.

“Honey how could you tell her that?”

Julie smiles, “You are much too pretty as Elaine, Honey; it would take way too much effort to explain otherwise. Frankly, I am not sure there is more truth to it than we want to admit.” She pats the edge of the bed, wanting me close. I lean over and give her a kiss. She says, “It even feels like I’m kissing the woman I love.” I know what she means as it is different kissing with lipstick and having her hand touching my cheek.

Another nurse comes in, “It is likely your little girl needs her diaper changed. Elaine is it? …Let me show you how to care for your little girl.” I become nervous but the nurse is ready to assure me, “We have not lost a baby yet, but we have taught a quite a few spouses to be of help with their new daughters and sons.”

I needed to wash my hands again, before I check the diaper and begin to clean our little girl. “Good, you have a gentle touch and know how to wipe her.” Heidi shows me how to put a little ointment around the remnant of Andrea’s belly cord. The first diaper was too loose so I had to do it again.

Julie has sat up to dangle her feet. I think she's amused to see me being domestic.

I stepped back thinking I was done. Heidi’s voice goes up, “Never back away from a baby and leave her up there on her own.” Andrea was not in danger of falling, but Heidi wants me never to assume that or that the baby won’t move. Heidi lifts Andrea, placing her on a clean and warm baby blanket. She then shows me how to wrap her and pick her up.

She undoes the blanket and I need to repeat everything. With one hand under her bottom and sliding the other under her head. I lift her up, set he down and wrap her snuggly and bring Andrea into the crook of my arm. I am picking up and holding my daughter. It might not seem like much except for a parent who hasn’t been there recently. I am looking down, admiring Andrea, but something is very different. I had held Robin but this is different, why?

Julia voice is tender, there’s her tone of understanding, “You’re looking over your breasts at her that is different for a dad.” I give Julia a hug and kiss after I laid down Andrea in her in-room bassinette.

I smile and say to Julia, “It’s not just the breasts but the change of perspective that has come with them that has made the difference.”

Julia, “But you enjoy having them don’t you?”

I ask, “Are you ready to see Robin and our mothers?”

Julia says, “Yes but before you get them, please answer my question about your breasts?”

I smile, “I like them, women’s fashions, craziest of all, I now like working with women again.”

I go get our mothers, Julie’s Dad and Robin to see Julie and the baby.

Julie is holding Andrea as Robin walks in and over to her Mother and Sister. Julie smiles, “Robin this is your sister Andrea Juliet.” Robin and the Moms are all smiling as is Julie’s Dad. I am impressed as I see George Hunt anew. I hadn’t liked my Dad for years. But his influence had caused me to see my father-in-law as weak and a wuss. I was now sending up a prayer, “May my girls find guys strong like their Grandfather Hunt.”

George takes me aside; I see him glance at me up and down. “I understand where the Elaine came from, but why did you change your last name?”

“Dad, it was to keep my identity under wraps. Plus if it didn’t work, I wouldn’t be as much of an embarrassment to the family.”

His face became a bit stern, “Can’t you at least use your own voice Dan?”

Julie started to speak, but I cut in, “Do you really want to hear a male voice coming from me when I look like this. It is not that easy to change my voice back and forth.”

He asks, “Can you speak as Dan as you want?”

“Truthfully, it takes more of an effort. It is easier to stay as Elaine, even Robin and Julie find it easier, I think.” Mr. Hunt looks to his daughter Julie, she shakes her head yes and beams a grin.

He goes and visits with Julie and her Mom. Robin is sitting on my lap, and we talk.

Nurse Heidi is soon in the room, “I am asking you to leave so mom and baby can get their needed rest. I would like to suggest that visitors tomorrow wait until afternoon. Elaine you can come as early as 8:30 in the morning if you are going to help, otherwise stay home till the others come.”

We go out to the waiting room and only Bridgette is still there. She hands me an overnight bag, “I suggest you let Julio take you, Robin and all the parents back to your home for tonight.”

The Halls speak up, they are staying in the city. I would do the same with Robin and my Mom but both need a change of clothes and we decide, Robin would do better in her own bed and home…

To be continued…

(If you have not read *Ashley Phoenix Riley, you might enjoy doing so. It is a completed story. Please leave comments there, noting if you are reading *APR now. )

Please indicate if it’s a good story, and leave a comment or write to the author. Your comments are appreciated and helpful. This author responds to most every comment and personal message. Thanks, Jessica

Robin, my Mom and I are at home, I have helped Robin to get ready for bed and I read her a story as she falls asleep. When I’m back out with my Mom, she asks, “Where did that parenting come from?”

My brow line wrinkles in puzzlement. Mom lightly smiles, “I don’t ever remember hearing of you reading to your daughter.”

Elaine’s soft voice acknowledges, “You’re right Mom, but I hope it is an acceptable change. I would like to be a loving Mom, um Dad for Robin and Andrea.” I finally sit down and take off my heels. “Mom can I ask a sensitive question?”

Mom scoots a bit closer and touches one of my hands. I ask, “Are you comfortable with me and what I’m doing?”

Mom waits until I’m looking her in the eyes; “I’m comfortable seeing you as a woman and even as my daughter. As opposed to you having blown your job and wrecking your marriage.” Mom pauses, “First, I found it only an acceptable alternative, weird but interesting. Now I’m seeing you more and more as Elaine and I'm liking you. If you get back to being my son, I think that will be good. Right now, I take it one day and then the next see where it takes you.”

“Strange as it may seem, a Mom being comfortable with you as Elaine. Long ago I saw you having a strong feminine side. I feel guilty that I didn’t know how to be there for you. I didn’t like how your father blew up at you, nor with my being quiet. I didn’t see you being or becoming a girl. I saw it as a phase boys go through. Your cousin Darrel did and he’s become a healthy man like I hoped you would be.”

I catch my breath, “Mom, I have another a sensitive question to ask: The time father me caught in the closet wearing the wearing makeup that was there in back of the closet. Whose makeup was that?” His mom pauses and she’s afraid and trying to make up something to say.

I said, “That makeup wasn’t yours I know that now, you used Revlon and Maybelline.”

Mom Woods smiles and her eyes light up with surprise. There is a hint of a giggle to her voice as she speaks up, “You’re right, it wasn’t mine. It’s someone else’s secret, I think it would be better if you asked your Father to explain it.”

I as Elaine became restless, “I’m not sure if I ever want to talk to him again. It is going to be a long time, if ever, before I look like a son he would want.” I stand up as to leave the room. I'm to the door when I turn around, “Are you insinuating that makeup was his?” I drop to my knees with my face is in my hands, “No, no… how could it? How come no one ever said anything?”

I knew if I had jumped to the wrong conclusion Mother would have interrupted and corrected me. I hug my Mom around her waist as I'm still on my knees. Her hands are on my head and shoulders, “I will help you through this, for now focus on your baby girl and your family. You have much to celebrate and be happy about.”

I go to take my makeup off and then to shower. Now, having showered and moisturized my skin, Elaine is visible and looks comfortable in her nightgown. With Robin sleeping, I see it as being alright to walk out to the kitchen as I am. Mom sees me and asks, “Would it be okay if I brush out your hair?”

I hand over the brush and sit down. “Is it okay if I say you are an attractive young woman?”

“Thanks Mom, it is actually nice to hear you say that. I thought that was a given when you said I look like Ruth.” There’s a giggle in my voice, “But it is still nice to hear you say it to me.”

I decide to stay awake, instead of trying get an hour or two of rest. I check the laundry, and quickly have two loads sorted out, having begun one. Robin is awake at her regular time, but she's not fully waking up as she hugs me as she would her Mom nesting her head on Elaine’s chest. I get Robin a glass of juice and have her sitting in a chair at the dining room table. Julie had been working on Robin’s photo album. We go through the photos with Elaine telling stories that go with some pictures. Robin tells about times I had no memory of. “Daddy when Andrea has birthdays, it would be good for you to be there,” she says.

I hug Robin, “I will make sure I’m there for her birthdays and your birthdays as well.” I had made some scrambled eggs for Robin and spoon out a small bowl of yogurt as well for both our breakfasts.

“Daddy aren’t you going to get dressed and to the hospital for Mommy and my baby sister?” My mom had entered the kitchen and echoed Robin’s sentiments. “Dress casually, and please be Julie’s loving spouse Elaine.”

I put on a cute denim skirt with some stitching and trim. I wear a pale blue cami under a beige print blouse. Robin and Mom both approve of my outfit and makeup. I drive Julie’s car to the hospital, saying I planned to be back to take them to the hospital.

Terri, the nurse taking care of Julie and the baby greets him. “Elaine, I have a note from Nurse Heidi that if you came in early you would be wanting to help your wife and baby. Julie is hoping you can help her a little with her appearance as well as washing and changing Andrea.”

I am listening but I'm focused more on greeting Julie with a kiss and a hug. I ask, “Do you have some makeup? How can I help?”

Julie smiles, “I can do most of it, but I would prefer a little pampering. My makeup and stuff are in my overnight bag in the closet.” I retrieve it and my light touch in using the makeup pleases Julie. More than one nurse visits the room to check on what I am doing. One lightly giggles and asks, “Would you mind giving my husband a couple of lessons on pampering me?”

She whispers in my ear, “He has a feminine side, but I have trouble in getting him to learn how to do even his own makeup properly. I’d never trust him like your wife is doing with you.”

When I learned she is doing a twelve hour, seven to seven shift; I suggest she have him come visit her at the hospital. She didn’t think that would be advisable.

During the day, Julie’s breast fill out even more as she nurses Andrea. After Andrea’s last change of the morning, I left to pick up my Mom. I had tried to get a babysitter for Robin, but end up bring her to the hospital as well. Elaine has taken two pictures of Julie and Andrea and sent copies to my sister Ruth.

Sharon Hunt, Julie's Mother, asks Elaine’s mother, “Janice, where is Frank; isn’t he coming into see his new granddaughter?”

Mom turns to Sharon, “I regret saying he’s a stubborn old fart and is out of sorts with his son. And before you assume anything, it is Frank’s fault not Dan or Elaine’s.”

Janice Woods is next to Julie when she said it and Julie stood and gave Janice a warm hug in thanks and solidarity. I was sitting and holding Andrea lightly singing: “Angels watch over my baby, grant her a lifetime of your care, So that even when I cannot… hmm… I'll know you will always be there.”
Julie is now leaning over to me and Andrea asking, “And little mommy where did you learn that song?”

I am embarrassed but gladly so, “When I stayed with you a while back; I heard you singing it in the shower. I thought you would be singing it to her. So I googled the song and learned it. I hope you don’t mind.” Julia leans over to me to give me a kiss on the cheek. I felt warm tears fall from her onto me.

She says, “Begin to sing and we can sing together.” We were both singing, “Angels watch over my baby…” The next time through, the grandmothers began to sing along.

Soon we, our parents and me, agree its time to allow Julie time to rest, but Julie asks me to stay with her. Julie inquires, “How are you feeling, Honey?”

I’m puzzled, “I am feeling very well; why are you asking?”

“Do you know what the couvade syndrome is? My mother and I both think your breasts are bigger today. Would you mind if I ask to see them, especially your nipples?” I’m praying no one walks in while I take off my tops. I pull down one strap and reach back to unhook my bra. It is not as easy for me looking down, but Julie has no problem seeing. “Your nipples are larger. You haven’t taken anything to try and get them to lactate have you? Look your areolas are larger than a half-dollar.” She reaches and squeezes a nipple and it hurts.

“Ouch!”

She says, “I didn’t squeeze that hard.” I knew that but it hurt anyway. Nurse Terri walked into the room and we were both embarrassed, but Julie asks her, “Would you please closely look at her?”

Terri asks, “Would you mind if I got a breast bump or squeeze your breast to see if anything comes out?” ‘I do not want to hear any possibility of whatever they’re thinking. But I’m soon sitting in a chair with Julie and Terri watching over me as another nurse, the Head Nurse Gwen Harlow comes into the room with a breast pump wrapped in cellophane. “Are you trying to tell me this is Couvade syndrome, sympathy pregnancy?”

Terri responds, “I’m not saying anything, rather I’m asking you to casually examine her. We could ask if one of Julie’s Doctors as they are here at the hospital.”

Nurse Gwen directs Terri, “Get me a vial in case enough comes out we can have it tested.” She looks up at me, “I would suspect you never expected a nurse to be trying to milk your breasts?” She has the pump in place, when she asks, “Have you taken anything to stimulate your breasts to lactate?” She presses the bulb of the pump. On the second squeeze there is a white milky drop at the tip of the nipple, and the third and fourth squeezes that she has enough to catch a few cc. of fluid. She pumps my other breast and declares she has enough to test.

Small absorbent pads are placed in my bra cups so nothing leaks and would dampen my bra or cami.

It is four o’clock and the grandparents are back in with Julie. Robin and I get little juice drinks and are going down the hall to the waiting room. Nurse Bonnie speaks up, “Elaine,” she comes up to me whispering, “My husband is here, I was wondering if you would be open to talking to him.”

“I’ll agree if there is a private room and you're sure he won’t lash out at me.”

She says, “I didn’t tell him, I told you about his feminine side. I just mentioned you could give him pointers on pampering me, his wife,” she giggles. “If I take time to watch your little girl, would you take time now to talk to him? Why don’t you go into consultation room 2, and I’ll send him in.”

I don’t believe I’m in a hospital consultation room on an OB floor waiting to speak to another husband to be in touch with his gentler nature. Mark comes into the room and introduces himself. He’s 5’ 10” and a bit heavier than I was at my heaviest. I’m guessing he’s 160 pounds. He’s beginning to turn around as he sees me.

“No, please stop, your wife didn’t insinuate you are like me. She just saw me pampering my wife and asked...”

Mark stops and pauses before he would turn around. I knew he was trying to decide if he would visit and possibly trust enough to open to me. Soon after we sit down, Mark comments, “She's not comfortable with me trying to pamper her in that way.” He quickly knew he had given himself away. I had gotten out lipstick, nail polish and eye makeup.

I say to him, “It takes practice, plenty of practice and one can’t be too sensitive about getting it wrong or being corrected. You won’t ever get better by depending upon her. She really would like you to pamper her, but to do so you need to be comfortable with yourself.” It was not the regular way I would do it but I buffed several fingernails and touched up my nail polish and they came out looking very pretty. “When you do something like rub your wife’s feet or shoulders be gentler as one pampering her. If you work at enjoying being gentle, you will find your fingers become more sensitive. It’s like learning less makeup is often more beautiful.”

Mark says, “But I don’t want to become a woman like you.” He quickly apologized. We talked about a number of things as I interlaced our conversation between sports and makeup tips.

“No, but you probably don’t want to be like a lot of other guys the other way.” I could see by his eyes I touched a nerve. “Mark, I am not a reflection of what you will look like when you become more comfortable with your sensitive side being visible to your wife. But I think more women would like their husband learning to be more comfortable in their world. Women are asked, even required to do that all the time with men.

I push the three pieces of makeup toward him. Touching the lipstick and nail polish I say, “These two should closely match until a husband gets a better eye for color I recommend you not mix different colors. The eye makeup should complement the other two and your overall look.”

When we part ways, I am happy with what I shared and glad I am not responsible for what he does in the future.

When I got back to Robin, she's finished with her drink and ready to go and see her Mom. With Robin on Julie’s lap and me in front of her the nurse brought Andrea over to be held by Robin. Both Grandmas took turns taking pictures. It's another precious moment.

Head Nurse Gwen is back into the room and whispered in Julie’s ear; Julie smirked and was heard to say, “That’s precious; could we try that later.”

I and both Moms asked what the news was, and Julie insists it is news only for her. Come a little after five thirty Julie’s dinner arrives; it is lobster tail with all the trimmings. The rest of us were excused to go get dinner on our own. We were leaving the room when Julie insists, “Honey I need you to stay for about fifteen minutes.”

Nurse Bonnie is now back in the room bundling Andrea to nurse as Julie prepares to eat her dinner. “Elaine, I suggest you make use of the bathroom to take off your tops and your bra. And please put this on so it opens in the front.” I see what is coming and I try to argue, finally I turn to Julie, “You can’t be serious about me doing this?”

Julie says, “My milk is still coming in and they say your milk shows it has the added nutrients.”

I am soon back out and sitting down; my eyes are watery as Andrea is brought to me. Bonnie and Gwen encourage me not to be disappointed if Andrea won’t nurse from me. Andrea is in my arms and I just lift her and bring her cheek touching my left nipple. Andrea’s head turns and her mouth opens. I can’t believe how natural this seems as Andrea begins to suckle. Nurse Gwen waits a moment and then checks and there is the milk on Andrea’s lips and tongue. She is nursing off of me. “That is sweet Honey,” says Julie. I look up and she is taking pictures of me nursing Andrea.

It is only a few minutes and Gwen has me switch Andrea to my other breast. “You would look a little foolish and it would be hard to explain if only one breast is nursed and begins to grow a little more than the other.”

Fortunately, Andrea is soon ready to nurse from her Mom Julie. However the feeling and the vision of nursing Andrea is etched in my mind. I go with the others to supper, but while we’re gone part of my attention stays back with Julie and Andrea. Robin is the only one at supper who can get and hold my attention.

The next day My mother and I have the house clean before go I to bring Julie and Andrea home. It’s me who continues working the most around the house since they’re home. Julie thinks my new domestic side is cute though we do clash when she tells me, “You’re the second woman in this house and I’m used to things being done certain ways.”

Twice a day when others aren’t around Julie sets me down and has me nursing Andrea. We’re always going to have me do it just one more day, but this is the seventh day and if I don’t stop I’ll need a nursing bra or at least a larger bra.

It was also the day Bridgette, Cathy, Cassie and Ashley come to visit. We were an hour or so into our visit together when Bridgette took me aside and to another part of our house. She calmly says, “Elaine it appears you’re nursing too.”

I tell her what had happened at the hospital with my breasts being tested and I subsequently nursed Andrea twice. “But you didn’t stop there did you?” She asked to feel my breasts, “I am not expert but it feels like your mammary glands are developing. If they stay like a woman’s, I would suggest you consider having the implants removed.”

It was later when Bridgette speaks with Julie and me, “Julie, I have mentioned to Elaine/Dan recently that if he is to be Dan he may need to quit his job. His body is beginning to respond more substantially to his male hormones being blocked. And now you and he are allowing him to nurse. Are you comfortable with your husband becoming a woman? This can be beautiful if it’s what you want. It is not so beautiful if it happens unintentionally.”

I expected a startled look on Julie’s face, but she’s quietly in thought. She looks at me and then to Bridgette. “From the time Elaine had the breast implants with his male-self hidden away I’ve been contemplating this. I had fallen out of love with the old Dan, and I’m kind of leery about Dan changing back. It might sound strange but I’m very much in love with Dan as Elaine. I like sharing my life and our family with her.”

“Dan, you might not realize it, but some of our neighbors know who you are and are okay with you as Elaine.”

Part of me was ready to cry in embarrassment, but I'm too happy to be embarrassed.

I nursed once each of the next two days and stopped nursing the next day. It was arranged if in a month my breasts were still larger than before I would have the implants surgically removed.

It is good to be back to work as well as exciting to get home with Julie and my family. Soon however I am back to my apartment at Bridgette’s. It is good to be there as I am having mood swings with my job and in my family life. Bridgette and Dr. Josie are good therapeutically for me. Ashley at the apartment and Julie at home are my reality checks.

I knew I had found my new normal when I am officially made Lynn’s Associate at work and there's talk about me moving home. There is not much talk either by others or me about becoming Dan again.

Having the implants removed wasn’t as big of an ordeal as I thought.

My new problem was finding myself attracted to men. Josey helped me to realize two things were behind that. The biggest and most problematic was I was looking for approval. I realized it meant I should meet with my Dad, whether it settled anything or not between us, this would be for me.

Mom and Ruth were at home when I arrived to meet with my Dad. It was like the ‘S**t hit the fan’ until Mom spoke up quite dramatically. “Frank, shut-up! Elaine has a right to know some things from you. If you decide to stay bitter that is your decision. But if you won’t even talk then I’m out of here for good.”

Dad barked, “You’ve threatened that before!”

“You don’t want to try me this time; I can assure you of that.” Ruth spoke up, “Dad, you heard Mom and you better talk to your son.” Ruth didn’t make any threat, but something was implied.

I waited for them to make their way to the kitchen. “Dad, it’s no more fun for me than it is for you, but I want to try talking with you. I wasn’t your idea of a son before, so I’m sure I’m not now.” Dad mumbled under his breath. “Julie and I have two beautiful girls who are your granddaughters. Would you like to see their pictures?” He mumbled under his breath, but then reaches out his hand.

When he said, “They are beautiful”, I sat down. Dad looked at me though not directly.

“I want to ask why you got so angry with me when I was ten or so and you found me in your closet with some makeup on?”

Dad was gruff again, “You were supposed to be a boy ready to become a man, and you were becoming a girl like your sister. I knew I couldn’t allow that. And now you’ve gone and done it anyway!”

I asked, “Whose makeup was it that I got into. I realize now it wasn’t Mom’s?”

He said gruffly, “She wasn’t to tell you that she promised!”

“She didn’t Dad. I’m seeing a counsellor and she helped me to recall what I saw. That makeup was different from Mom’s. I had gotten into both at different times. I want to know whose it was.”

I can see a tear in my dad’s eyes. He says, “You want to know, so you can laugh at me or say that’s what you guessed and rub my face in it?”

I said, “No Dad, I’m just looking for peace for a boy from back then. It might not help but I’m hoping.”

Dad surprised me with what he said next. “I felt guilty because you probably got being queer from me. Did you know I threw that makeup out the next day? My Dad and Grandpa had taught me a lesson when they caught me. I couldn’t do that to you because I was still like that.”

I said, “You know it’s something that we both stuff deep down inside us. But if it’s us, it doesn’t go away.” It was as though he hadn’t heard me.

Dad looked up to me, “I was taught a Dad had to say and do tough things even when it hurt.” Dad gave a half chuckle, “I couldn’t get me to look as pretty, but I did okay. Especially once before you and your sister were born, mother helped me. She wanted to tell you but I had forbidden it. She wanted tell you to change and be yourself after you started to be more like me. You were doing well at work kind of. Your mother complained you were becoming a hard ass like me. I forbid her to complain. And then when you started being girly again, she wanted to say something, but I forbidden her to say anything and I wanted nothing to do with you.”

He said boldly for him, “I am glad she went behind my back to see Andrea. I knew what she did.”

I reached out and clasped my hand over his. I was surprised he didn’t pull away. Instead he brought his left hand over mine and patted them. “Did you make them look that pretty or does Julia need to do it?” He had to suppress a smile. He paused, “At lease you are still young enough to enjoy it.” He looked me in the eyes again, “Is Julie divorcing you; what about your job?”

I say, “You probably won’t believe this but I was probably going to lose both until I began to change with being Elaine.”

Dad said, “I could use a good drink, how about you?”

“One would be okay,” I said. “Is it okay if I invite Mom and Ruth back in.”

Dad chuckled again, “You better or else they won’t believe it. I was set to write you out of the will.”

I said, “I thought you probably had.”

“I did,” he laughed. “But I wanted to write your girls back into it. Now, I might even include you.”

“Might?”

“Yeah, might. I might be back to being myself by tomorrow. You better hope I don’t see my father tonight. (His Dad, my grandfather had died when I was twenty,) I never got up the courage to do what you did today. You know it would be like me to hold that against you.”

Mom and my sister Ruth came back into the room. Mom cried a lot of happy tears, it was hard to believe what had happened. When I left, we agreed to have dinner the three families together at my house in two weeks.

Dad wouldn’t let himself ask more about how I got myself to look like woman. I had already begun to transition by then.

I had more trouble from some of my co-workers when I began to transition, than when I was pretending to be a woman. It was mostly men but not entirely. Some people were still angry with the old Dan. Some were alright with it only when it was a punishment for Dan.

Mary Halstead had encouraged her husband and the CEO to give me support higher up in the corporation. They did but it was mostly behind the scenes, and nothing official. I became Elaine Hall-Woods for a while and then Elaine Woods…

Postlude…
It is three years later and I have fully transitioned when Julie shared an idea she had kept back in her mind. My sperm had been frozen a number of times when I started with being Elaine and taking hormone therapy. Over two years we’ve begun trying to have our third child. A number of Julie’s eggs were harvested. Nine months ago one of her eggs was inseminated with my sperm and planted back into me.

It is beautiful to see how I blossom as a pregnant woman. It's like I am carrying a world globe under by blouse.

My sister Ruth gave me a baby shower. Our moms, a few cousins, Lynn, Deb and Staci from work, Ashley, Bridgette and Cathy. Dr. Josey Apgar was invited but said she had a conflict. She did send a cute outfit for when our girl would be a little older.

Most other people think I’m a lesbian giving birth and in many ways they are right. We consider ourselves lucky that the baby is to be a girl. Since it is by a Cesarean operation, they did not want Julie to go in with me. But I’m able to have Dr. Josey in with me. Our baby is actually taken a week or two early. The only way I can give birth is by Cesarean birth. That is well with me since most won't get a chance to do so.

It is already obvious that I will get to nurse Abigail; Gail for short. Julie was pushing for Danielle as the middle name, but as soon as we saw our new baby girl. We both knew she was Abigail Anne Woods. I thought it was strange when I nursed Abigail that her mother Julie wasn’t able to nurse her also. I thought nursing was always beautiful and fun. Abigail showed me, I still have things to learn about being a woman. She got so that she could suck harder and chomp down on my tit when it was most sensitive.

I do like the pretty clothes Gail gets to wear. Her fingers are so delicate and she smiles at the sound of my voice. She looks up at me from my breast and I know she see me as her Mom.

Robin and Andrea tell others they have two moms. They tell people, they know their Dad and get along with him very well. The people at the church we attend are friendly. Robin says it is because we have three children and it helps the church look younger. Julie and I have noticed a few more boys come to church since Robin and her girlfriends come. Robin is now twelve and blossoming as a young woman.

Robin tells her friends about me. She, her mother and I find it better people hear and learn things best from us. It took me six months to get my figure back after the pregnancy. My breasts are naturally a good size as I take after my Mom and Robin in more ways than one.

I like being back to work. Julie went to work as well when Andrea was ready for pre-school. She works part-time and from home. It gives us flexibility and to be there for our girls.

Julie would like us to have one more child, but she is not sure if she wants to carry a baby again.

The End

I am grateful to Jessica for the beautiful story, Hiring Elaine Hall and I am grateful that she encouraged me to develop the ideas I developed in this supplement. The text in italics show where I placed this in relationship to the original text in Chapter 10. I encourage anyone reading this work to put it in this context. This assumes that Hiring Elaine Hall has been read first---a rewarding endeavor and I would encourage anyone tempted to read this supplement to do that first. The story will be more meaningful. The complete text can be accessed in the attachment immediately above this text.

Comments are, of course, encouraged. How else can one learn. Thank you.