Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 1

Chapter 1

Beep…
Beep…
Beep…

My throat hurts…

There’s a flicker in the darkness… a jingle of keys? Seeing them falling slowly into a hand and a feeling of excitement.

I see a blue car, a muscle car and we’re all running towards it.

We…I’m with a bunch of guys getting in the back seat.

I can feel a forward pushing me back feeling going fast.

I don’t think there was any like drinking or stuff but there was yelling.

The screech of tires and a girl screaming.

Me?

I see, sort of see everything spin and go free floating. We hit something and we’re flying, rolling.

I see asphalt and hopscotch squares but I’m looking up when I see them.

There’s a crash and red…so much red.

I wake up and everything hurts! I want to scream but something is down my throat and there’s wires and things and…and I don’t know what’s going on! I don’t know where I am!?

I start choking!

Bells are going off and there’s some people running in dressed like nurses and they have hands on me and they’re trying to calm me down.

They’re calling me Shawn.

“Shawn, Shawn calm down we have you on a breathing tube!”

Shawn?

Who the hell is Shawn?

I don’t get an answer not that I could ask with the tube down my throat.

And inside my head there are no answers either.

I do stop flailing just whatever energy I had run right out of me. I hurt, I’m so tired and my back is killing me.

It still doesn’t keep me from shaking as they are holding me still and taking the tube out of my throat and that triggers my gag reflex and there’s nothing there but the fact there’s nothing there doesn’t keep me from dry heaving.

Every spasm feels like something ripping away at my back, like they’re trying to pull my spine slowly from the muscles like all these tiny little tears inside.

I finally stop gagging and they set me back down on the bed and I’m panting as they fit a mask over my face and turn the oxygen on and then I can breathe.

One of the nurses reaches out and she touches my face. “You’ll be okay honey and we’ll call your parents, they’ll be right here.”

“Wha…wha…happened…” Oh that hurt, like I tried swallowing a walnut after that.

“Oh honey, you were in a car accident.”

I try to say, to ask more but nothing gets out but a few strangled choking sounds.

“Shssh…take it easy you’ve been out for months.” She looks at another nurse who says. “I’ll call his parents.”

I sort of whine and nod and I look at her I guess as questioningly as I could.

She looks at me with this look of sympathy on her face. “Car accident Shawn you were in a car accident.”

I swallow and try to talk. “Is..was…?”

“No, you were the only one that made it.”

I have no idea how to feel.

I mean who they were…it’s not there.

It’s just really, really not there.

Which is making me feeling even more sick…sicker?

I blink at her.

“Shawn?”

“I..sorry…I can’t remem…” I start choking and she holds her hand up and runs to a sink and gets me a paper cup full of water. I take it still shaky and sip it with both hands as she moves the plastic mask for the air.

“You can’t remember?”

I nod.

“What part?”

“From when… (sip)…you said Shawn.”

“What? You mean, but you responded to me saying it to you.”

I look at her…really?

“Wha…what was I supposed to do, you where saying that name right at me.”

She bites her lip thinking then asks. “Nothing?”

I shake my head no.

She takes a breath. “Okay…I’ll let the doctors know….we thought there might be brain damage too.”

“T..Too?”

“You were really, really lucky Shawn.” She winces after catching herself. “Sorry.”

I wave it off. “It’s my nn.. Name right?”

It really, really doesn’t feel there, like my name is happening to me.

She tries to give me a reassuring smile and I try to give it back and not to disappoint her but she leaves and I kind of exhale and close my eyes.

I’m so wiped out that I fell asleep and wake up to the smell of flowers…no perfume, aftershave and dirt? No I don’t think my sense of smell got stronger but it’s more like it doesn’t smell like the hospital. I think you smell things you’re not used to and you notice it more.

I open my eyes and I see two people a man and woman and they both look concerned and she’s been crying and he looks close to it. She’s in capris with a cute VS perf coverage pink bra showing under her cute long sleeved raspberry ice colored t-shirt and he’s in jeans and a t-shirt with a cammo hunting jacket on.

Okay…there’s something…

It’s kind of…scary and I cough a few times and I gasp as my back spasms. The man takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. “The pain?”

I nod.

She reaches for the call button.

They’re both looking at me.

“The nurses told you?”

The man nods. “They said you don’t remember the accident.”

I look at them both. “Or anything else.”

She has tears in her eyes and rolling down her face. “Nothing?” He’s biting his lip and sort of he gets like tense and stuff.

I shake my head. “No.”

He coughs some. “Not us, not even your name?”

“No sir.” He blinks at that, I don’t think I call him that.

“Did…did they tell you what happened?”

“A nurse said a car accident.”

He nods and pulls his chair closer and looks at me with his hands on the bed railing and she’s sitting close too, close enough to run her fingers through my hair.

“You were with your friends Jackson and Scott and Alex and Alex just had gotten his license and he had that…that…it was the camero he and his dad had rebuilt and you guys went out driving and whatever….we think that you guys were racing with some other kids and the car just had too much power for Alex and the car swerved for some reason and did a three sixty and the car slammed into the curb and flipped and rolled.”

Oh…

I lick my lips and reach for the water and she gets it for me.

He’s looking at me searchingly but I don’t know what he’s looking for…something…anything…I give him a very hopefully I’m sorry look.

He sighs and just sort of nods.

“You were nearly dead Shawn, they had to cut all of you kids out of the car and the firefighters said that you only lived because you were in the back passenger seat and had your seatbelt on…. There was some damage to your back and you…you had swelling on the brain…so they had to cut you open and relieve the swelling or you’d have died but you slipped into a coma.”

I swallow. “Am I okay?”

“We don’t know, we’ll see what the doctors say Shawn.”

I nod.

That still just doesn’t sit right with me but what can I do?

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 2

Chapter 2

*Before…

I swallow. “Am I okay?”

“We don’t know, we’ll see what the doctors say Shawn.”

I nod.

That still just doesn’t sit right with me but what can I do?

*And Now…

There’s a lull in everything as we sort of falter conversationally and the woman I am pretty sure might be my mother and she’s running her fingers through my hair still and it feels nice, I sorta feel like a cat.

I look over at her. “Mom?”

“Yes Honey?”

I sigh with relief. “Good…I wasn’t sure.”

She gives me this sort of hurt and odd look like she’s confused. “Wasn’t sure?”

“You look kind of young for a mom, I wasn’t sure if you were a step-mom or my step mom.”

She blushes and smiles and kisses my forehead. “That’s super sweet, wrong but I’ll take it.”

I blush. “It’s just you’re wearing a really nice outfit.”

She looks at me oddly.

What? Oh I feel odd now.

“Shouldn’t I have said that?”

She’s like. “No, no it’s just really odd coming from you.”

I blink. “It is?”

“Yeah you’re a lot like your dad.”

I look at him and he’s looking at me and then her and shrugs. “Hey, I married her and still can’t keep my hands off her; he’s just got a good eye.”

She’s blushing some more but smiling.

They’re both smiling.

“Okay, I think I like you guys.” It’s partly a joke and partly the truth. I mean I kind of, sort of just met them and everything.

They both look at me then laugh a little.

It relieves some of the tension that was going on and we all sort of have smiles now even if they’re kind of unsure ones.

Dad gets up and heads out. “I’ll be right back I’m going to get a coffee do you two want anything?’

Oh…oh the thought has my stomach get all queasy and I’m not sure foods a good idea.

“Danny that might not be a good idea with Shawn turning green and stuff.” Mom…yeah Mom says.

He looks at me. “You okay Bud?”

Eeew…that really feels sort of not good like I don’t like ‘bud’.

“Shawn then.” I sort of look at him startled and he says. “You made a face, you didn’t like that when you were little either, maybe that’s a good sign.”

I shrug and look at mom who shrugs too.

He shakes his head with a smile and he comes back in and sits down. “Not feeling good?”

“That’s an understatement…” I run my fingers through my hair it’s there, it feels wrong and off somehow and everything but it’s there. “I must have been out a long time.”

They both nod and Mom looks like she’s getting teary eyed again she says. “Almost six months.”

“Whoa…” I.. I’m not sure how to even process that I mean that’s a half a year gone really with the missing memories on top of all of that too.

I rub my hand through my hair again. “Was this longer?”

She nods and so does dad. “They had to shave it all off when they took the pressure off.”

Dad says. “Well the rest of the way off they shaved a lot of it to get at the injuries that you already had to go with it.”

“Oh…do…do I have a lot of bad scars?”

That worries me, for some reason that really worries me.

Dad looks at me nodding, “Mostly the surgical stuff, most of the damage was cuts that have healed up and the rest was surgical stuff on your scalp and your back.”

“Oh…”

That’s still sort of disturbing a little but I’m not sure why.

I run my hands through my hair again and sigh and Mom gives me a soft hug and we’re like that for a while and then the nurses come back and someone in a lab coat comes in with a wheelie tray and a doctor. Well I think he’s a doctor he’s like tall with nice clothes under a lab coat and he has a nice looking haircut and he’s all sort of salt and pepper in that sort of way that you’d sort of expect from like a doctor on TV.

“Mr., Mrs. Wilson, Shawn....it’s good to see you awake how are you feeling?”

I look at my folks then him. “I hurt, I can’t remember anything…but I really hurt and stuff.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Stuff?”

“I’m kind of queasy and really exhausted.”

“Well, you’ve been on liquid foods for quite a while and now that you’re awake your body is sort of resetting and that’s why you’re exhausted too you haven’t used you muscles for a long time and the little tussle you had with the nurses likely pushed you past all the reserves that you had.”

I cough-laugh a little. “I had reserves?”

“Well not much of them.”

“It feels like that.”

“Well honestly it’s supposed to. Now we’re going to get you some food…mind you just broth and jello to start but it’ll be something in your system. And we need to do tests.”

“Tests?”

“Cat-scan and MRI’s and X-ray’s to see how things are doing and I’m going to give you a look over now while the vampire here takes some bloods.”

“Ugh…okay.”

Mom and Dad move but they stay close and The Dr. stays on one side probing and checking and mostly using the stethoscope to listen to my heart and breathing and his hands check my back which actually doesn’t hurt too bad when he’s touching it it’s just sort of like a mix between feeling gingerly sore and good from the heat of his hands.

He’s also doing stuff like looking at my eyes and making me look all over the place while he shines that light in them and he gets me to do things like move my fingers and my toes and then to try and move them in order and even this one where I’m touch each finger to my thumb?

“So…do you want me to juggle too?”

“Can you juggle?”

“Uhm…beats me I have no idea.” I look at my Mom and Dad and dad just shrugs and says. “Not as far as I know of.”

We are doing that sort of smiling at each other thing again and I am kind of happy because really from my point of view I think I could have woken up with a lot worse parents really.

I mean to say I honestly don’t think that they’re going to be much more different that the way that they are right now in the future and stuff.

I look at the doc and I’m sort of rubbing at my arm where the lab tech drew out all those vials of blood. “So am I going to make it?”

He nods and smiles as he’s making notes. “You’re coming along really well. Now we still have tests to do especially with the head wounds that you had taken and we’ll try to see just what level of damage you took and how much you recovered from the last tests were done but it’s looking good.”

Dad… “So he’ll get his memory back?”

“Honestly?”

Mom… “Yes please.”

“It’s unlikely….it’s not certain by any means but I’ve seen a few injuries like this and there’s been some off a lot worse and the people with that kind of memory loss even if they come through it okay the things that are lost are in most cases pretty much gone for life.”

“Fuck….” Yeah that was me.

“Shaaawn…” Yeah that was dad.

“Sorry.”

He exhales and just gives me this sort of wry smile. I sort of smile back and then I look back to the doctor.

“So what does that all mean?”

“Well like I said tests you had to have some disc’s replaced, you were very, very hurt and that’s going to likely mean you’ll have back problems the rest of your life but hopefully we can counter a lot of that with a good physio routine. The rest will come back healthwise but I want you to see a psychological specialist.”

“Why, for my memory?”

“Some, there is a chance the memory loss could be trauma induced too but you survived a major accident and you were the only one Shawn that did. That will leave an effect on you I think memories or not and even dealing with the level of injuries that you have can have a pretty rough effect too.”

As much as all of this just seems like so, so much that I’m sort of shaking again I nod and shakily take another sip of what’s left of my water.

The doctor tries to give me this reassuring looking smile and he does that older man hand on my shoulder and squeeze thing and says. “Well I’ll schedule the tests and I’ll see about getting you a psychiatrist and while all of that’s going on we’ll see about some soup and some jello once the nurse takes you off of the catheter.”

Oh...oh I never even thought until he mentioned that and it’s…

It’s sort of the creepiest feeling I can sort of imagine…it sort of feels wrong.

He leaves and Mom and Dad leave after I sort of give them a pleading look and the nurse gets started and it’s the same nice nurse that helped me when all of this started.

She’s gentle…

She’s really gentle but everything she’s doing just feels so…wrong and it’s just…I can’t even really describe it other than this sort of feeling of wrong, of wrongness there and shame too.

I don’t want to see it; I don’t want to look at it.

I…I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s wrong and I know she’s trying her best but I end up crying through the whole thing and even when she’s done I’m still crying and I roll over to my side as best I can and cry into the pillow.

I think she was rubbing my back at one point and trying to comfort me and she was replaced by Mom and there is something that is like maybe visceral there?

I know Mom’s touch, just from the way she was with me before I know the difference and I cry all the harder once it’s her.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 3

*Before…

I…I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s wrong and I know she’s trying her best but I end up crying through the whole thing and even when she’s done I’m still crying and I roll over to my side as best I can and cry into the pillow.

I think she was rubbing my back at one point and trying to comfort me and she was replaced by Mom and there is something that is like maybe visceral there?

I know Mom’s touch, just from the way she was with me before I know the difference and I cry all the harder once it’s her.

*And Now…

I guess the good thing about exhaustion and being in recovery is that sleep or closer to unconsciousness comes early.

I don’t even understand why I had such a reaction and as I slowly wake up I just sort of lay there not even opening my eyes. Just sort of lay there and try to figure out why?

Why did I just freak out, what the heck happened with the nurse and the whole thing and I’m drawing a total blank…because right now what else is new right?

I open my eyes and I look around and I can see that mom is gone and it’s late and I cough a little and I roll over and breathe and just sort of stare at things in the semi dark and after a few long moments I sit up and I look around until I can find the pull cord for the lamp over my bed on the wall and I turn the light on and I can see a few things that weren’t there before like a couple of magazines and a tablet and a note from dad.

~Had the TV hooked up and there’s some of the stuff you read I got from that hobby store you go to and they had some of the stuff you collect held for you. I got your tablet as well….Love Dad. ~

Okay…well that’s a start I guess I can sort of look through things and see what I like or used to like and stuff maybe and it might jog some of my memories and stuff.

But first I need to use the bathroom.

I’m not hooked to anything that doesn’t look portable and I take the beeping swhush-tic-tic-tic machine on the pole with me and I make my way to the bathroom and I sit and have a pee.

I’m pulling the tissue paper off the roll when it kind of hits that I sat instead of stood. I mean I can stand; I walked here from the bed so…

It’s getting the gears going and then some as I roll off some paper and I fold it twice and stand and wipe.

I look down and it’s there, what’s supposed to be there for a guy named Shawn but at the same time it’s.

It’s wrong.

And I don’t really get why it’s wrong it just is…it’s not freaking me out like the catheter removal but it’s still.

And it doesn’t look broken, or like bent or like technically wrong I guess it’s just that it feels wrong and it does so in these really deep frigging way.

What thet hell am I?”

What the hell is going on with me?

I close my eyes and pull my underwear up and I try and put it out of my mind and I go and wash my hands.

One I look like hell in the mirror and at the same time I sort of look good? No…there’s a lot wrong with this and yet at the same time I think I’m good with how skinny I am?

Skinny’s good right?

I turn a few times back and forth and there’s something still off about the whole thing. Some things are sort of right there? Like my hair it’s too short and I think that’s like body memory or something from like before and was sort of there when Mom was running her fingers through my hair.

The rest if sort of these little things that just seem like not quite there for some reason and the biggest though.

I don’t recognize myself.

I’m not sure if other people go through that in like the normal ways and stuff but it’s really unsettling to like not recognize myself.

There’s this stranger looking back.

Only it’s actually me.

Only it’s really not me.

Okay…I’m getting out of the bathroom before I start getting freaked out and I take my pole with the thing with me and I walk out into my room and one of the nurses is coming in and she’s smiling at me.

“Sorry…I had to use the bathroom and I wasn’t sure if I should have rung the bell or not.”

She nods and comes over and she gives me a hand back to the bed. “No not a problem but if you feel you need the help then use the button. I just was doing rounds and saw the light on.”

“I can’t sleep because I slept a bit too much y’know and Dad left some stuff here so I thought I’d look for clues about myself and stuff.”

“Oh well that sounds like a good idea and since you’re up can I get you anything to eat?”

“My doctor said I can’t have like solids yet since I’ve been off then but god yes I’m starving.”

“How about some yogurt and some applesauce and then maybe a cup of tea and some pudding?”

“Oh wow that really sounds like heaven except the tea part I’m not sure that I like tea or not so…I mean I’ll like try it though.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back Shawn.” She plugs my machine back in and heads out.

She heads out and I look over the things that dad brought and at the same time flick the TV on with the remote just for some background noise.

Okay it turns out that I like tea or this orange pekoe tea with milk in it and that was really good, needed even so I’m thinking that I’m a tea drinker. The applesauce was perfect and it had a dollop of that thick Greek yogurt on it and the pudding was chocolate which was again perfect.

I’m not sure if I was just starved or I’m not really all that fussy of an eater.

The rest of the stuff it kind of surprising and fascinating. The books and stuff are mostly comics and graphic novels and I wasn’t sure if I was a geek or what but there’s stuff there in the pile like Fables, and Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel from the marvel universe and there’s some other ones including wolverine and Savage Wolverine and a bunch of other X-titles and some of the graphic novels are what looks like a whole collection of something called Arana and Runaways.

“Okay that’s a lot of money and either we’re not broke to afford all of these or the parents are buying me guilt presents.”

I’m kind on not sure what to think of that in either event. But the tablet looks pretty decent and new so part of me is thinking that we might be not too badly off.

And then there’s the tablet and it’s pretty easy to use and that sort of leads me to think that Dad’s not too much of a tech guy and stuff. I mean it didn’t even have a password and thankfully all of my stuff is sent to remember the passwords for all of my e-mails and Facebook and things.

It’s very odd like looking at a stranger’s things as I go through my e-mails and stuff it’s strange to see the things that I like and stuff by they sort of stir up memories and some of them feel wrong too actually.

I guess’s it’s close to dawn when I find the account on Live Journal.

Nightsong Whispers…that’s the name of the page.

And there were those e-mailed notifications and stuff to it and it took like an hour to actually back door or figure out how to back doors my way into it through going to a page of someone named Pyrokitty who messaged me and then using my link to my account off of her page to get into my page there.

And it was right there…in my Live Journal all this stuff and all of these posts that are by me and they’re talking about the stuff that I’m feeling right now.

Dysphoria.

Body image.

Puberty and hating it.

Being transgender.

And there’s people that are there like me on my friends list and that are trans too and stuff and they call me Whisper or Wisp or Song but several of them…

They call me Sarah.

And even reading it, reading it with that inner voice inside…you know the one that goes on while you’re reading something and there’s that inside narrative thing?

It doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t feel like Shawn.

And there’s tears starting to run down my face.

I think I’m really Sarah.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 4

*Before…

And there’s people that are there like me on my friends list and that are trans too and stuff and they call me Whisper or Wisp or Song but several of them…

They call me Sarah.

And even reading it, reading it with that inner voice inside…you know the one that goes on while you’re reading something and there’s that inside narrative thing?

It doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t feel like Shawn.

And there’s tears starting to run down my face.

I think I’m really Sarah.

*And Now…

It’s really, really becoming a fast obsession looking through my Live Journal and reading all of the thoughts there and posts back and forth. It’s not familiar in the way that I know things and the contexts of the conversations there but it feels all so right and all so real.

Actually the most real that I’ve felt since I woke up.

And I have this odd suspicion that being Sarah was the most real that I ever felt.

There is so much here too.

I see pictures of me…of Sarah and they’re obviously taken sort of in stealth and away from everyone else and there’s notes too about how it was modified to look more real with like Photoshop to be what I could look like or should look like and there’s this whole ache and ow and hurt in my chest that’s so not medical when I see those end results.

The feelings didn’t get wiped out.

Dammit that feels like me.

Not the me here in the bed who looks like Shawn, looks like a Shawn…but her.

Me…Sarah.

And there’s other stuff too, like links to web comics and then there’s these pictures of outfits and clothes that I want or think are cute and some of them I see myself saying things like.

“I know this is totally out of a sane person’s budget or like need because I don’t think even if I could be me all the time where would I wear it? But… *Sighs*…I’d just like to wear it some place pretty like a gazebo and kind of like spin…just…because.”

Which there’s usual comments that lead into what we’re actually wearing and I’m not wearing anything girly when I wrote this because there’s frowning faces in the posts and stuff but I’m not the only one either of my friends here on my page and I think out of like maybe a dozen people maybe four are dressing and maybe transitioning.

But it’s still…it’s like finding my voice, my inner voice with all that stuff inside that wasn’t matching Shawn has suddenly this yes place and it’s growing.

I’m kind of engrossed in this when there’s a knock and my Mom is there and it’s a shock because I lost track of time and then there’s all of this stuff that I just found out about me.

I don’t know what to do?

I shut down my tablet and smile at her. “Hey morning.”

“Morning sweetie how are you feeling?”

“Sleepy a bit but at the same time…”

“At the same time what honey?”

I bite my lip a little. “This stuff kind of sort of helped.”

“Really that’s great!”

“Well it’s more feelings and stuff but there’s things that I’ve kind of figured and kind of found out that sort of make a lot more sense.”

“More sense?”

I nod. “Like what I’m feeling even without like knowing it for like certain there’s this feeling that’s kind of like…”

“Resonating with you?”

“Yeah, I think that’s sort of a good word for it…I guess.”

“Well that’s good so what was it that helped? The music? I know you have a lot of music downloaded and stuff you’re always going with your MP-3 player.”

“Actually I haven’t really gotten to my music yet.”

“Okay so what was it?”

“My online diary.”

“Oh like Live Journal?”

I look at her suspiciously. “Yes…………”

She rolls her eyes. “No, I haven’t been in your stuff Shawn y’know that as parents we had lives before all of you kids came along and we actually have things like online account too.”

“You sure you didn’t?”

“No I didn’t I don’t snoop and I don’t creep peoples accounts especially my son’s….just eeew.”

Oh…

“Okay……”

“Well I grew up in the whole internet age start up and I remember when your grandparents would always be in my business and my life online and just didn’t get it.”

“Okay but dad?”

She grins. “Your dad’s the opposite of me, he does all the stuff that I love to do and want to do and I’d never actually do without him pulling me along.”

“Really?...because like I don’t remember and it’s all a blank.”

“But you said you were having some feelings and stuff that made sense.”

“They do but I’m not even sure about how to go about talking about it especially since it’s stuff I just like discovered.”

She sits and takes a drink of her Tim Horton’s and the smell is nice…maybe I like both tea and coffee?

“That makes sense kiddo do you want to talk about it?”

“That’s kinda what I’m saying Mom…I don’t know how, and I’m not sure that I’m ready yet.”

Mom looks at me and I can tell it’s bugging her and that she’s balancing it between wanting to know and needing to know and what she just told me about her respecting my boundaries and all.

And the thing is I have the strongest sense of believing her about that at least.

I’m pretty sure that she’s not a liar.

No I don’t know, know that but at the same time learning what I’ve learned and everything my gut feelings have been pretty spot on and that’s what I think I’m going to trust.

She sighs and she does that thing where girls hold the cup in both hands while they take a drink and it just sort of does something in my brain or heart or something that rings out yes and me…

Then she nods. “Well then maybe this whole counselling thing your doctor wants to see you go to might help. They’re good at getting people to get stuff out and all. I mean it worked for your dad.”

“It did?”

“Yeah…” She looks at me and she moves her chair over and she digs through her purse/shoulder bag and she takes out one of those digital photo album things…which is kind of score that I know what it is and all and she flicks through it sideways until she shows me pictures of my Dad only like maybe ten years ago or something and he’s in military stuff for the desert and things.

“Dad was over in Afghanistan?”

She nods. “And it did things, he’d seen things that messed with his heart and he really didn’t know how to really deal with the stuff going on inside until he got some help.”

“Okay…it’s kind of cool actually knowing that…I don’t quite feel like I’m alone in being sort of screwed up.”

She leans over and she one arm hugs me. “Honey no one is immune to being screwed up inside and we all kind of go through stuff…it’s actually one of the things I like about people.”

“That we’re all screwed up?”

“That we’re all screwed up or being screwed up or in the process of screwing up. When you realize that people are really, really far from perfect they disappoint you a lot less and when they do good things or are just kind or amazing it just means a lot more.”

I look at her.

Bite my lip a little. “Even when they’re weird and not like normal?”

“Conformity is crap.”

I look at her.

She smiles and shrugs and she just looks back. “What?”

“You...”

“Me what?”

“You don’t act like the whole idea I have in my head of like the whole mom-thing.”

“Good…I don’t want to be that kind of mom.”

I snerk. “I’m picturing you in a Che-Guevara shirt with an Anarchy flag.”

She shakes her head. “Never I went to school with kids that did that sort of thing and it was kind of vom-inducing then when it’s not our culture or anything to do with our culture.”

“We have a culture?”

“Great question kiddo yeah I think we do but it’s not part of someone’s culture to use important stuff from someone else’s to be trendy.”

I look at her. “Oh you were so not part of the IN crowd going to school were you?”

She shakes her head no. “Not remotely and I hated it.”

“Hated it?”

“I wasn’t one of the good looking girls and I wasn’t one of the party girls that found her self-esteem in the bottom of some teen guy’s bed I just kind of was the shy girl with no figure and big braces and a bit too tall that was way too good at math.”

I’m looking at her and there’s this sort of feeling?”

“I…I never knew any of this before did I? I mean we didn’t talk like this did we?”

She shakes her head no. “No we didn’t you were kind of a quiet kid a lot of the time you hung with your friends some from school but you were kind of like your dad and quiet and laid back and stuff.”

I look at her. “I’m like my Dad?”

“Well with like that temperament and stuff.”

“Oh…”

I…I really don’t know how to deal with that or how to feel about it? I mean I’m Sarah right so I just kind of thought that I’d take after my Mom more or something and not my dad and I really can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

“Surprised?”

“Y...Yeah kind of…it wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.”

“Really?”

“Yeah…I thought I’d be more like you Mom.”

I look at her and she actually has this really sort of surprised look on her face.

And…I’m really surer than ever she doesn’t know.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 5

*Before…

I look at her. “I’m like my Dad?”
“Well with like that temperament and stuff.”
“Oh…”
I…I really don’t know how to deal with that or how to feel about it? I mean I’m Sarah right so I just kind of thought that I’d take after my Mom more or something and not my dad and I really can’t figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
“Surprised?”
“Y...Yeah kind of…it wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…I thought I’d be more like you Mom.”
I look at her and she actually has this really sort of surprised look on her face.
And…I’m really surer than ever she doesn’t know.

*And Now…

I look at her. “Okay…is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

And now she looks confused. “What do you mean?”

“Well me just saying that it looks like it kind of shocked you.”

“I suppose it’s not something that most guys say if ever to their like mothers.”

I bite my lower lip. “Maybe I’m not most guys? Maybe I’m just trying to make sense out of everything?”

She nods. “Well sort of a good thing then I guess and a bad thing too. I mean I’m glad that you have your dad’s temperament I mean he’s kind of always been my even keel because I’ve always found myself kind of…scattered.”

“Scatterbrained?”

She purses her lips at me. “No…”

I chuckle a little. “Sorry I couldn’t resist.”

“You get that from me.” She says smiling.

“Really?”

“Really, and hopefully not the scattered thing because it was hard enough to deal with as me.”

“But I thought that you said you were a geek?”

“I was, the two aren’t exclusive it’s just a lot of the time it took me a lot of focus to keep myself on track a lot.”

I look at her. “So when you weren’t like socializing with the other kids you were…like trying to figure things out?”

“Had to figure things out.”

“Had to?”

She nods. “I was diagnosed in like the eighth grade and by that time I got a good look at what happens too often to girls like me when they don’t get out of the whole box her social disability shoves her into and add that with small town I didn’t have a whole lot of choices.”

“And dad helps with that?”

“Yeah, he keeps me grounded as much as he makes me do things.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Honestly neither do I, I have no idea what he sees in a bookish introverted geekette but I love that he does.”

I know…I know what introverted is like.

I don’t know how I know that but I know that.

I look at her and at my tablet and I know that she’s looking at me and she reaches over and puts her hand on mine over it.

“Shawn it’s okay, you can tell me anything or we can wait until you’re ready you just came out of a coma, you don’t have to push yourself.”

But…but if I wait longer the more and more that this me, this me that I’m wearing will be permanent.

That was a really big worry of mine was being able to transition without getting hammered and then word I was using was Mutated by puberty.

It was kind of bad that it was already starting and I hated it so much.

I hate it now, just thinking about it makes me feel wrong and crawly inside.

I bite my cheek and look at her. “Thanks Mom I…I just think that I need more time.”

Definitely more time no matter how much this is making me feel just wrong…I need to read more, to learn more about me.

More about Sarah.

Because I know that’s me and nothing here yet has ever really said Shawn to me.

And I’d really scared at how they’re going to take me not being who they expect me to be, who they’ve always known me to be.

She nods and the nurses come and check my pressure and they get me some breakfast and that’s semi-solid?

“Is cream of wheat a solid?”

Mom coughs having inhaled a mouthful of her drink the wrong way. “No…not by my standards.”

I eat it and it’s…well it’s hospital food so it’s kind of what I would expect from the stereotype.

The milk is good at least and they have juice too and we’re just sort of hanging out and watching TV the cable’s actually not that bad here only there’s not a whole lot on at this early in the morning except the news and I let Mom have the remote and we’re watch Canada AM which isn’t too bad and actually seems familiar.

“We watch this a lot?”

“What honey/”

“This, it sort of feels familiar.”

“I do and you’ve probably seen it like getting ready for school and stuff. But hey that’s a good sign right.”

I give her an actual helpless shrug. “I dunno, amnesia’s like completely new to me.”

She looks at me that she snerks and I grin a little.

“Good, nice one.”

“Thank you I’ll be here all week.”

“Likely longer.”

“Dammit.”

“Shawn…”

“Sorry…we don’t swear?”

She shakes her head no. “Not really, it’s a habit and it sneaks into the way that people talk and I grew up with that…everything home was like every second or third word f-thing and f-that and it didn’t take too long before no one’s parents wanted their kids to be around me….and they just kind of…they look at you a certain way when they think all these things about you because of your family.”

“Oh…oh wow sorry.”

“No, no it’s okay you didn’t know and yeah I might be a bit too heavy on using it but it’s just…it’s why as you’ll find out I never really go home and my folks, your grandparents and I we don’t get along.”

“Why?” I move to look at her better.

“Well honestly and I really don’t want to come across as a snob Shawn but I grew up white trash, from a bad part of town and my folks were looked at just like white trash because of how they acted…like swearing left and right and not caring who heard them and when someone noticed it they’d be swearing at them and giving them the finger and stuff.”

Oh…wow… “So…not cool, I mean…sorry?”

“No it’s okay…well it’s not okay I mean I grew up pre-labeled by all of that until I worked my butt off and got out of Sidney.”

I look at her and this is new, I can see her talking and she’s sort of staring at the TV and she’s not really watching it but sipping her drink and chewing on her cheek.

Okay I can see her doing that and I do it too, I mean I’m not doing it right now but I’ve done it too and that’s.

I reach over and rub her back and she looks surprised. “Hey Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, I mean I know I don’t know what my life’s like right now and stuff but right now I kind of know what it’s not like and well…thanks.”

She blushes and she looks like she doesn’t quite know how to deal with me saying that because well…kids don’t talk like that with their folks normally and I’m sure that we likely wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for this happening and stuff.

She turns and she hugs me.

“Thanks Shawn, thanks it’s…I mean you try, you really try and do the right thing when you have kids and stuff and it’s never perfect, never goes as planned in your head at all and just…just to know that…”

I hug her back. “I’m different now aren’t I?”

I feel her nod in the hug. “Yeah, kind of a lot different but not…but I love you anyways.”

There’s something there…something kind of shining through. “Always?”

She sniffle nods.

“Good, cause I think I’m going to need that.”

“Shawn?”

I’m right there on the edge of saying…something, I don’t know what…but something and then the nurses are back in and with a wheelchair. “Alright Shawn you ready for your tests?”

Sigh.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 6

*Before…

I hug her back. “I’m different now aren’t I?”

I feel her nod in the hug. “Yeah, kind of a lot different but not…but I love you anyways.”

There’s something there…something kind of shining through. “Always?”

She sniffle nods.

“Good, cause I think I’m going to need that.”

“Shawn?”

I’m right there on the edge of saying…something, I don’t know what…but something and then the nurses are back in and with a wheelchair. “Alright Shawn you ready for your tests?”

Sigh.

*And Now…

I look at them and I know there’s a grimace on my face and I say. “Not really but we kinda got to right?”

Mom gets up. “It’s for the best.”

I sigh again but that turns into an inhale as my back protests. It’s not really a spasm but it’s a definite protest and that makes me just feel tired already as I get into the wheelchair and mom gets her purse and she takes the wheel…well handles of the chair and we follow the nurses.

I look up and back at her. “So where’s dad?”

“He’s working; he said he’d be by later if he could or if they had a good day.”

“Good day? What’s he do?”

“Well he does a lot of stuff but he’s a carpenter usually.”

“Usually?”

“Well a lot of the time it’s seasonal stuff so he makes furniture and he does art pieces and he…well we have a shop on the side.”

“Art and a shop like a gallery?”

“Not quite he has a showroom for the woodshop and he makes things like burl-bowls and things on the lathe and cheese boards and cutting boards and the like the shop is sort of mine and his and it’s stuff from our garden and home cooking and pickles and preserves.”

“Oh…sort of like a farmers market?”

“Yep only it’s ours and we sometimes go to the farmers market to sell our stuff especially around the holidays.”

“Oh cool can I help out sometimes?”

“Well you usually did.”

“Oh well that’s good, I mean I’m glad to help out and stuff.”

“Well help out and get paid.”

“So dad’s doing carpentry stuff today?”

“I think he’s doing roofing in a couple of places today.”

“Okay so lucky’s like with the weather.”

“Yeppers, it’s been forecasting rain for the week and he really wanted to get it done before all of that hits.”

“Okay…mom?”

“Yeah kiddo?”

“What month is it?”

“It’s May Shawn.”

“So the accident was before winter?”

“Yeah.”

I put my hands up in the air like I won something. “Yay I hibernated.”

Okay that makes one of the nurse’s snerk and Mom does that laugh cough and we go through the doors to Radiology & Medical Imaging.
The first thing we go through is x-rays and there’s a lot of them as they want head, neck chest, and back and sides too and my right knee and elbow. I didn’t know about it those but apparently the were pretty messed up from the accident too even if they feel sort of fine.

Sort of fine because well everything is achy and sore and I don’t know if those are okay or they’re just blended into things.

Standing sucks.

It doesn’t hurt but it sucks and it’s my back and sort of my hips too and my shoulders some too. It’s more like a weakness thing I think because it’s standing for the x-rays and they want standing ones to see whatever and while it doesn’t hurt right away it does get tiring and achy painful pretty fast and then it’s like off to the other areas and thankfully that’s back in the wheelchair.

I can feel my back threatening the spasms thing.

Mom looks at me. “You okay?”

“No…I think I’m really messed up and honestly?”

“Of course?” she looks like this is another one of those things I’m saying that’s different than what I used to say or act.

I hold my hand up with my finger and thumb close together. “I’m about that far from crying.”

She looks surprised and then immediately concerned. “Do you want something for the pain? I can ask the nurses.”

I shake my head no. “No…it’s bad but not that bad it’s just scary. I mean I woke up like this.”

She holds my hand as we’re waiting for my turn in the big doughnut. “It’ll be okay Shawn we’ll get through this.”

“Mom we don’t know that I could be injured like this forever.”

“We’ll adapt.”

“I hope so…because this, this stuff scares the crap out of me.”

The CAT isn’t as hard as the x-rays were and everything but it’s kind of achy to be on that table and given the hospital stuff I’m in it’s very exposed and I’m feeling exposed and I sort of do my best to cover up and I’m getting looks from the tech and Mom but it’s like the tech’s boss who’s really nice about it and he gets me a heated blanket out of the blanket warmer.

Oh that’s really nice and yay and feels really good.

“That’s just…wow this is nice I didn’t know that I was that cold until I got this.”

Mom looks at me. “Well you did lose a lot of weight.”

“That’s actually a thing I like.”

She’s looking at me again.

“Mom…you ever just know stuff?”

“Yeah…”

“Well I know that, it looked right me being thinner.”

Okay they’re all giving me looks.

Mom asks. “Shawn…what is it what’s going on with you?”

“Not here okay…I mean…can we wait until we’re back in my room and when dad’s here?”

“Sure Kiddo.”

She looks worried though.

I squeeze her hand and try to reassure her even though I kind of am building a case of nerves that kind of make me want to like York.

I try to do that good kid smile thing and she smiles back and she holds my hand until they’re ready for the MRI.

That’s a lot like the CAT but instead of the doughnut it’s a machine that sort of has a bed that slides deeper inside the machine to take a whole body scan kind of thing.

The bed for it is as bad as the one for the CAT and it’s really hard and getting on it is kind of sore and achy but it’s also cool and it’s still kind of open and unnerving in the stuff I’m in it’s way too open.

Mom looks at me. “I’m going to call your dad and see if he can pick you up some things from home.”

“Okay…that’s good…I guess.”

“You guess?’

I nod. “I don’t really remember what I had for clothes but…”

“But?”

“Anything’s got to be better than this.”

She gives me another look and she nods and leans down and she gives me a kiss on the forehead and she heads out with her dialing Dad I think and I take a breath and lie back on the bed/table thing and try to keep the shirt thingy down and stuff.

I mean it’s long enough but it’s billowy in not a good thing and way.

Okay does that mean that I don’t like dresses?

I haven lots of dresses on my Live Journal and stuff I have whole almost catalogues of stuff that I adored. I say that because there was usually commentary over the outfits between me and my friends.

Though I did read me saying that “I’d love it but I’d never really wear it.”

I said that a lot.

Though I can see why.

I mean there’s a lot of me that I can see as Sarah seeing Shawn never being out of the way and that had to…and does…suck.

I can even sort of feel that much.

…….I want to be pretty, to just kind of walk and feel and be that person that I feel like inside.

I absolutely do not feel like a Shawn.

Actually I feel…I feel.

I feel like I’m going to panic because now I’m inside this thing and it’s small and it’s closed in and it’s making noises and lots of them and all of a sudden I’m not there.

I’m in the car and it’s rolling and it’s rolling and every time it rolls the air is getting redder and redder and I’m screaming and screaming and it won’t move! It won’t give I can’t get out and my back hurts and I can’t get out1 “Lemme go! Lemme out, please, please let me out! Help! I’ll be good! I’ll be a good Girl!, I’ll be a good girl!”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 7

*Before…

Though I did read me saying that “I’d love it but I’d never really wear it.”
I said that a lot.
Though I can see why.
I mean there’s a lot of me that I can see as Sarah seeing Shawn never being out of the way and that had to…and does…suck.
I can even sort of feel that much.
…….I want to be pretty, to just kind of walk and feel and be that person that I feel like inside.
I absolutely do not feel like a Shawn.
Actually I feel…I feel.
I feel like I’m going to panic because now I’m inside this thing and it’s small and it’s closed in and it’s making noises and lots of them and all of a sudden I’m not there.
I’m in the car and it’s rolling and it’s rolling and every time it rolls the air is getting redder and redder and I’m screaming and screaming and it won’t move! It won’t give I can’t get out and my back hurts and I can’t get out1 “Lemme go! Lemme out, please, please let me out! Help! I’ll be good! I’ll be a good Girl! I’ll be a good Girl!”

*And Now…

I’m freaking and there’s a part of me that knows, or sort of knows that this isn’t happening and that’s being completely overridden by the panic that’s swallowing me up like some kind of monster.

It’s a terrible feeling to lose control like that and be sent careening over and over in the accident again.

I mean it’s so real I can swear that I smell and feel blood on me.

They get me out of there and the bed’s been backed up and Mom’s there and I’m rolling off the thing and onto the floor and I’d have hit a lot harder if she and one of the tech people hadn’t caught me and lowered me down to the floor.

There’s nothing macho there that has me sucking it up and trying to be strong…it’s just not there at all and I start to screamy-cry bawl as soon as I realize it’s not real and I hang onto Mom for dear life.

It’s barely even clicking that I wet myself…yuck.

I’m trying…she’s talking to me and she’s holding me and she’s soothing me and I’m really trying to get a grip on reality and I feel a sharp thing in my thigh and it kind of makes me want to freak a little more because it’s just one more thing that’s happening to me and I can sort of feel my heart rate dropping and this wave of pain and sheer exhaustion hitting me and pulling me under.

And I kind of don’t want that.

“No….no. Mommy no I slept enough…please no…please I’ll be good, I’ll be a good girl.”

I hear her. “Shssh, it’s okay it’ll calm you down, it’ll calm you down it’s a good thing, I’ll be here darling.”

It gets really dim and fuzzy and I don’t black out but it’s so hard to stay awake and it’s so hard to stay with things and I’m in and out of it and I feel like I’m being moved and I feel like I’m being puppetted.

Like people are literally moving my body.

It’s really creepy.

I hate this, I really hate this.

It’s fuzzy and moving and fuzzy and moving and it’s then me moving and more touching. “Mom…mom! Get them to stop? Please get them to stop?”

I hear her say. “Are they alright?”

“We don’t know ma’am he cut his hands up thrashing to get out of the MRI.”

Mom…oh Mom… she says. “Don’t use he.”

“Pardon?”

“You heard them in there so don’t…just don’t.” Mom’s voice has a hard edge to it like she is going to haul off and smack someone.

“Uhm…okay they didn’t pull things that they shouldn’t have we don’t think so at least.”

“Okay you can go.”

“But hi…their hands.”

“Leave the stuff here; I know how to take care of scrapes.”

“I…I can’t do that.”

“Well you’re not doing it, go and get Connie or Mary to come in and do it young lady, because you’re not.”

I feel her stop and I feel her leave the room…it’s not some ESP thing she’s just pissed off or scared of my Mom and she getting out of there.

I peek and open my eyes and look at her and she’s looking at me and she’s all blotchy and her eyes are red like she’s been crying too and I bite my lip.

“Sorry Mom…I just…It was just so close and the noise and then I wasn’t there any more…I was in the accident.”

She nods and sniffles and looks at me. “It’s okay…but was this the thing?”

I nod. (Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

“The thing that you found in your Live Journal?”

I nod a few times. (Sniffle.) “Yeah…”

“And you didn’t know what to tell me?”

(Sniffle.) “How? How could I? I wake up and it’s all of this stuff coming at me and I hurt and then there’s me being Shawn only I don’t remember Shawn I don’t even feel like a Shawn and it’s all so messed up and I’m trying to figure it all out about why I feel so wrong and off and then I find that…that account and then this whole other me that I don’t know about either and I can’t remember her either but all I do know is that ever since I read that stuff all the stuff in there just reaches inside of me and plucks like all the strings I got.” (All-in-rushed-girl-sniffle-whine.)

And I’m crying, I’m crying because I’m still really shaken up and now my knuckles hurt along with everything else and I just can’t it’s not there in me to be all fake strong and stuff.

And Mom’s off of the seat and sitting on the bed and she’s hugging me and she’s holding me and I’m bawling and she’s crying again but she’s hugging me and not freaking out on me and stuff and that’s…that’s kind of freaking amazing and that amazing is making me cry even more making me a complete mess of bad crying and stress crying and good crying.

She rocks me back and forth and she holds me so close that her body heat reminds me of one of those heated blankets that they give you only if they washed it in like love and safety.

“Honey it’s okay, it’s okay I knew I knew that there was something going on with you right from when they took the catheter out and you had that freak out.”

“But …it’s…I’m sorry…” I whine, I know that I’m being all whiny.

“Sorry why?”

“’Cause I’m not Shawn.”

“Honey…are you sure?”

I nod and I look at her even if right now I’m just seeing a teary Mom shaped blur. “It’s, it’s that only thing I am sure of! It’s like everything I knew about me is like all gone except for these effing flashbacks and there’s nothing there no Shawn and No Sarah but I know…I read the stuff that I’ve done and posted and felt and…and…and…dammit it’s the one, the one thing that I know deep down that is real right now!”

She’s looking at me in that parental leaning back to take it all in sort of thing and she reaches up with her thumb and she wipes the tears away from my eyes with her thumb and I can see her smiling.

“Well it’s a good thing you’re not wearing make-up Sarah otherwise you’d be a right mess.”

Uhm…whaaa?

“Mom…?”

“Yes?”

“You called me Sarah.”

“Are you?”

I nod and more tears like a bobble-head. (Sniffle-sob.) “Yes!”

“Then with everything that’s happened I believe you.”

“You do?”

She nods and I see her wipe at her own tears but she’s all blurry again and she says. (Sniffle.) “Yes honey, you’re not the first trans person that I knew.”

(Sniffle.) “I’m not?”

(Sniffle.) “No, I knew a couple, one was a friend in high school and another one was a friend in college.”

“And…and you’re not mad that I’m like this?”

“No…honey not at all there’s nothing wrong at all about being trans.”

(Sniffle-whine.) “There’s not?”

“No, not at all…you’re a girl. It’s just a pronoun, it’s just one little thing about you.”

(Sniffle.) “But I’m…I’m like…”

She is wiping at my face with a tissue now and that helps and I see this soft concerned but actually caring and maybe even happy? How? How can she be happy about this?

Here hand strokes my face and she kisses my cheek. “You’re alive Sarah. You’re still alive.”

And I start crying all of over again and it feels like this deep aching dam of stuff inside that I couldn’t really articulate like right just kind of breaks in me and lets go with this flood.

…………right now, right friggin now I’m Sarah and I…I really have a Mom.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 8

*Before…

No…honey not at all there’s nothing wrong at all about being trans.”
(Sniffle-whine.) “There’s not?”
“No, not at all…you’re a girl. It’s just a pronoun, it’s just one little thing about you.”
(Sniffle.) “But I’m…I’m like…”
She is wiping at my face with a tissue now and that helps and I see this soft concerned but actually caring and maybe even happy? How? How can she be happy about this?
Here hand strokes my face and she kisses my cheek. “You’re alive Sarah. You’re still alive.”
And I start crying all of over again and it feels like this deep aching dam of stuff inside that I couldn’t really articulate like right just kind of breaks in me and lets go with this flood.
………….right now, right friggin now I’m Sarah and i…I really have a Mom.

*And Now…

I’m crying for a while and it’s like there’s all this toxic stuff running out of my heart and as I’m getting more and more tired as my drugs are kicking in and the adrenaline’s wearing off and Mom’s still holding me in this really safe, secure and feeling loved and five kind of way.

Sometimes when someone that cares rewinds your clock and takes care of you is kinda awesome.

Not in the sex thing way, just in the deep caring way.

I even left her pull me onto her lap as I cling to her like a tired sleepy kitten.

It sort of makes me smile a little since there’s all these anime girls on some of the pages of my LJ friends and there’s this kind of connection to all of that that I can sort of see and feel.

It’s a little nap later when I wake up and my hands are all fixed up with some Band-Aids and mom’s on her phone doing the thumb tap and scroll thing like a pro and I blink and gently rubbing at my eyes and I look at her.

“Hey…”

“Hey Sarah, how are you feeling?”

“Better, got a bit of a headache and I need a drink.” I work my mouth trying to get some moisture going and mom presses my call button for the nurse.

I sit up and she passes me her cup of half melted ice water. “Your dad’s coming you want me to see if he can pick you up a tea along with mine?”

I swallow and choke a little. “Y..yes please…Mom?”

“Hmm Sarah?”

“Does he know?”

“Yeah I told him everything while you were out.”

“And is he okay with it?”

“Yes honey he knows the same person that I went to college with.”

“Oh, so he’s?”

“He’s still your dad, and he’s still going to love you regardless honey.”

“He will? But I’m not and he’s…”

“Yes honey he will, he’s a good guy Sarah.”

She’s texting him I think and I sip the rest of the water. “I’m just scared, you know like fathers and sons and all of that stuff…I have friends on my Live Journal that I’ve seen posting about like all this shi…all this horrible stuff that they’ve got to deal with because their family are…well they’re like horrible people.”

Mom leans over and she hugs me and kisses my cheek. “That’s true, my friend in high school she never made it…between her family and the people around home it was too much and she got into the wrong crowd and ended up self-medicating and not pulling out of it.”

Self-medicating?

I look at her. “Drugs”

She nods. “Erica partied to dull the pain and she got into sex work all with that wrong crowd and none of it helped her it just dulled her pain and after that it’d still be there and eventually she just got tired of being dragged down by her dysphoria.”

Dysphoria…she knows the words at least, it actually sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.

“Your friend you two were close?’

“No, yes…when she came out in high school everyone was on her case and I was really just trying to stay out of everyone’s way and there were times I should have stood up for her and I didn’t and then she moved away until senior year when she had this thing with her folks and came home for grade eleven and she was really changed and we started to sort of become friends when we had a summer job together.”

“Did you know it was her?”

“Home was a big but it wasn’t that big we had lots of complaints about her working there even before she was hired.”

I hug myself. “………………….Mom….how am I going to do this then…people will freak out.”

“Sarah…we’ll be with you and we’ll have your back and it’s a long time since the nineties and we’re a long, long way off from where I grew up.”

I look at her and bite my lip. “Was it that bad there?”

I hear Dad. “The mullet and ripped sleeve t-shirts are still cutting edge life choices for people there still.”

I jump and squeak and he sets down a Timmies tray and leans in and he pecks my cheek….

My Dad just kissed me.

Like I’m his.

“Dad…” (Whine-sniffle-voice.)

He looks me right in the eyes and I see the same light there that’s in Mom’s that he cares, that he loves me and he’s.

He steps right into the bed as close as he can and he pulls me into a Dad hug…That strong arms wrapping around in this strong but silent promise of I’ll protect you…I love you.

“Like you’re mom’s likely said already honey it’s okay.”

“But Shawn was…”

“Shawn was a good kid while he was staying with us; he did a great job of taking care of my daughter…”

…oh…oh dad…oh ow… (Sniffle-sob.)

“But don’t you…I mean…”

He tightens his hold on me. “I know…my ego’s not that big kiddo, I’m your father. I am duty bound to love you and make your world a better place.”

(Sniffle…cough.) “You stole that from somewhere didn’t you?”

“Maybe…it’s still important and it’s still true.”

“You mean it.”

He let’s go of me and does that lean back to look at you…me thing and he reaches down and he takes me hand and he lifts it up and he does this motion over his heart. “Cross my heart promise kiddo.”

I’m crying again. “Dad…” (Sniffle…) “Oh… (Sniffle.)…god…Dad… (Sniffle.)”

He resumes that whole big strong Dad level hugs and he lets me cry some more and I go until I see the nurse come in with a little paper cup with two tablets in it.

I pull away and wipe at my eyes and smile at her and take the two pills…just ibuprofen for the ow’s and stuff she looks at me. “Are you okay?”

(Sniffle-nod.) “Yeah…just coming out with my folks…and them being really, really cool.”

I look at them and Mom’s hugging Dad with that slow embrace that lovers give, that women give to good husbands and good fathers…happy, loving…and he’s returning the favor and I smile and take a big deep breath.

The nurse and I both sigh…

I look at her. “You’re not…not freaked out?”

“Should I be?”

“I…I just keep sort of expecting.”

She shakes her head. “Maybe like five years ago we had some really old school RN’s here but they’re all retired or headed out from here.”

“Really old school?”

She makes a face. “Like all the old sexist stuff about guys and girls and gays and lesbians and the kind of ones that used to watch native and black patients like they were going to steal things.”

Okay my jaw sort of drops. “Nurses…?”

She nods. “Oh yeah, even nurses can be jackasses.”

“Well you’re pretty cool.”

“Naturally!” She does this faux preening thing and vogues a little and I smile and she gives me a real gentle hug. “I’ll be around until eight if you still want to talk or something kiddo I need to go and do some more rounds.”

I nod “Okay thanks….Mary.”

She leaves and I look at Dad and Mom who are breaking their kissing and Dad takes a Tim’s cup from the holder and passes it to me and one to Mom and I take a sip of good brewed tea with a little milk and I let out this sigh that I didn’t know was coming and smile a little. “Oh…I think I needed that.”

He passes Mom’s hers and she does the exact almost same thing as I did and he picks up some bags from the floor that he brought in from Sears and Walmart and sets them on the bed.

“Your Mom and I agree that until you get home and can go through your things that I’d best make a pit stop for a few things for you so here you go. Now your Mom picked the sizes and hell she picked out most of this and sent me pics of what to get on the phone so if it doesn’t fit blame her. And the rest is stuff that I picked out.”

Oh…oh wow I look in the bags and it’s clothes and things and I can see packages of underwear and stuff and I look and look and look then I look at him and I look at her and I bite my lip.

“I…I don’t know if I’ve ever dressed like this before...”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 9

*Before…

He passes Mom’s hers and she does the exact almost same thing as I did and he picks up some bags from the floor that he brought in from Sears and Walmart and sets them on the bed.

“Your Mom and I agree that until you get home and can go through your things that I’d best make a pit stop for a few things for you so here you go. Now your Mom picked the sizes and hell she picked out most of this and sent me pics of what to get on the phone so if it doesn’t fit blame her. And the rest is stuff that I picked out.”

Oh…oh wow I look in the bags and it’s clothes and things and I can see packages of underwear and stuff and I look and look and look then I look at him and I look at her and I bite my lip.

“I…I don’t know if I’ve ever dressed like this before...”

*And Now…

Mom looks at me and she smiles. “Well we can relearn it all and I can learn what it’s like to actually teach my daughter how to do all of the stuff that she needs to know how to do.”

“Really?”

She nods. “I’m going to be as new at this as you in that way, there’s just stuff that I do that I don’t really even think about.”

“Okay that makes sense.”

I sort of fist the plastic and stare at the things inside while chewing at the inside of my cheek.

I look at Dad.

He’s sipping his coffee and raises an eyebrow.

Oh…

Wow…coming out and stuff is nerve wracking and I look at him and take a pretty deep breath.

“Can…can I go and get changed Dad?”

He nods and he’s chuckling. “Sure…like I really have a choice?”

I’m blushing because that’s something that sort of just didn’t occur that would be a thing.

“Sorry I didn’t know…I mean with me being and this being all new.”

He kisses my cheek. “Okay, got it. Go on go be dazzling.”

It’s hard not to be super excited and all or well except for like the ow’s and my other aches.

But I hug him anyways.

I look at mom and she takes our teas and she goes into the bathroom with me as I take the bags and she snags the tablet and as we’re setting my things out as best as we can with the tiny corner sink I’m getting more excited.

Soaps and body wash and shaving cream and razors and all these things that I know, that I actually know and not like in this sort of I can identify what they are but I’m not sure if I’ve ever used them but I know them.

It’s really surreal actually.

Mom gets some music on and it’s girl stuff this Natasha Beddingfield or someone and we get started with me taking a shower.

And shaving… I’m honestly surprised that I’m not shaking and everything with how excited I am about this. It’s not the fact that I’m shaving or that it’s considered like feminine it’s shaving off part of this identity that I woke up in and wasn’t really me.

Mom’s asking. “How’s it going?”

“Okay, I haven’t cut myself yet.”

“Just go slow.”

“Yup.”

“Get your legs wet first.”

“I know.”

“Really?”

“That much is pretty easy Mom.”

“Well okay but shave down go with the grain of the hairs.”

“Huh?”

“Shave downwards towards your toes; don’t go over the places that you shaved with the razor again trying for smoother.”

“Okay…why not?”

“You’ll get razor burn and blotches and it increases the chance you’ll get of ingrown hairs.”

“Oh…those sound bad.”

“They are. They’re like pimples but they can be worse and they hurt.”

“Oh…well that sounds like a lot of yuck….ow!”

“Cut yourself?”

“Yeah…”

“Bad?”

“No…but ow.”

“Be careful go slowly.”

“Okay.”

I get that done and then it’s the pits and no matter what some people are saying about stuff like that yeah there is something for me that is very important with all of this and getting rid of that and I’m really careful there too.

“Mom?”

“Yes Sarah?”

Gosh I love hearing that a lot.

My name.

“Why aren’t we using Veet or Nair?”

“Well I’m allergic it breaks me out pretty bad and stuff so I didn’t want to chance you having that happen either so we’re going to shave until we get home and we can maybe do a little test spot sometime.”

“Oh…thanks.”

“No problem, see I know things.”

I smile even as I’m rinsing off. “I know and I’m really, really glad.”

I stare down.

I take a breath and I take the razor and I trim…no I’m not crazy and tempted to like cut it off or stuff like that I get that that’s bad and stupid and dangerous it’s just as much as I hate the damned thing…I want the thicket…hedge trimmed before I get into my underwear.

It’s…

It’s pretty effing eeew.

I mean it’s just hair but its pubes and its boy part pubes and I know it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense but I’m trying really hard to keep my feet away from the trimmed hairs as they go down the drain.

I do feel better though as I’m done and then Mom’s going over the stuff with the body washes and stuff and it’s…it’s a body feel thing but I’m pretty sure that this is my first time doing this with one of those shower puffs and it smells amazing.

It’s Dove body wash and it just sort of has this kind of fresh smell and there’s also this feeling too of that whole lotion thing that you see them talking about on the TV and I can really feel the moisturizers sinking in almost as my skin has been in well coma mode for months and months.

And there’s this…I did this…I think I used to do this it feels familiar.

“Mom…did you have this stuff at home?”

“What stuff?”

“The body wash.”

“Yes.”

“I think I used it.”

“Really how can you tell?”

“The way my skin feels it feels like familiar or something.”

“That could be what they call body memory.”

“Oh…okay like that’s a thing?”

“I think it’s a thing. It’s like doing stuff so much it’s like ingrained into you.”

“Oh…okay.”

“You say that a lot Sarah.”

“What.”

“Oh-okay…you say that a lot.”

“Well I’m in the shower it’s not like you can see me shrug Mom; a whole lot of all of this is like taking this all as it comes.”

I finish showering and Mom passes me towels and then foot covers because well I’m not wearing socks yet and well…hospital floors. She smiles at me and she takes out some of the underwear out of the package.

“I normally would never do this right out of the package unless it was an emergency, I always wash them first but this will have to do for now.”

I nod as she passes me a set of panties.

She says. “Now I have no idea about how you need to go about doing what you need to do but we can look that up later.”

“Mom…can you pass me my tablet?”

“Okay…” She hands it to me and I go onto my LJ account and I look through my tags and I find ‘Tips for trans.’ And I click onto that and there’s all of the posts that I made or put up or saved about all sorts of things for being trans and passing and tucking and I read that part and re-read it before passing it back to Mom and I take my time and tuck getting the ‘placement’ right and then slip the panties on.

They’re nothing fancy and they’re just kind of simple cotton ones with white and a few little flowers on them that I think are cornflowers? And daisy’s and are just cute and they seem like a regular cut and they feel alright.

Not familiar though.

I step out and try to see myself in the mirror. “I…I don’t think that I dressed before now.”

Mom’s reading my LJ since I passed it to her and she looks up. “Wow…that actually looks kind of alright.”

“Kind of?”

“Honestly?”

I nod.

“It’s really strange for me seeing you in girl mode. I’ve never really seen this before with you.”

“I…I think it’s my first time.”

“I think we’ll have to buy you one of these gaff things.”

I nod. “Okay but I don’t have a clue where.”

She’s gone back to reading and she passes me a bra. “You need help?”

“I think I might.” I’m working at the box and getting it out and she sets the tablet down and she stands up to help me with it.

There’s gel inserts too and they have this sort of sticky side on the underside that’s like that weird jelly stuff on lint rollers that doesn’t really stick so much as grip and it’s a sort of training bra like of deal but by the time she shows me how to get it on and get it adjusted she makes me do it a few times so I have it down and I don’t have the flexibility with my back as messed up as it is and have to do it in front around my waist and then turn it around and pull it up and then put the inserts in.

The bra’s just a sort of light tope and plain but in it and with the inserts and the shape, even as not real curves are still a factor there’s this just right minus there and the right add up here and the shape.

It’s like the sharp jagged screws that were slowly being turned into me whenever I’d get a dysphoria twinge just like back off…like there’s this pressure and pain at not being right that’s not gone…but lessened so much as to be not really a huge thing compared to what I’ve been feeling.

I stare tears starting in the mirror and my hair’s awful and I’m not wearing make-up and thankfully I’m not hairy faced or have like shaving/beard shadow yet so I look like what I guess is what a lot of girls my age might sort of look like before they got their curves.

I look like Sarah, I look like I need a lot of work and getting this yet but just like this right now I’m looking at the right me, the real me.

The girl that can look in the mirror and not have it hurt.

And god oh god does it ever feel amazing for that to just feel like that and not hurt.

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 10

*Before…

I stare tears starting in the mirror and my hair’s awful and I’m not wearing make-up and thankfully I’m not hairy faced or have like shaving/beard shadow yet so I look like what I guess is what a lot of girls my age might sort of look like before they got their curves.
I look like Sarah, I look like I need a lot of work and getting this yet but just like this right now I’m looking at the right me, the real me.
The girl that can look in the mirror and not have it hurt.
And god oh god does it ever feel amazing for that to just feel like that and not hurt.

*And Now…

Mom comes over and she gives me a hug and then there’s this moment where it’s different sure but it’s not that much of a difference. You can see we’re related and you can see that there’s parts of us that are really similar.

Or I could just be psyching myself up for this.

I’m not sure but I think that I see what I’m seeing.

I see Mom looking at me too in the mirror with her and it’s all really intense and maybe scary…but it’s really intense like when you are like set on something.

She then does this nod. “Okay hair next, let’s get you into the chair and next to the sink.”

“Oh good a chair.”

“Oh crud sorry honey are you okay?”

“No…yeah…? It’s really achy when I’m on my feet too long and stuff.”

Truth is there’s this knot of muscles in my lower back that feel like someone has two fistfuls of the muscles there and is twisting them and it’s like all tugging on my spine.

“Here, sit, sit jeeze you can’t push it Sarah you have to tell me these things.”

“Okay…it’s just hurting some.”

“Some, well hurting some isn’t aching.” She’s giving me this look and it’s concerned but it’s stern too. Like it’s nothing to mess with…I gave the feeling that she’s a pretty tough customer my Mom.

I sit and she passes me my tea which is kind of lukewarmish now but I drink it anyway and she rubs my back.

“Oh…”

“Better?”

I nod. “Sitting down helps and the heat feels really good.”

She nods and looks at me. “Okay hair later you need a nap first.”

“Mom…I think I’ve slept enough.”

“Nope, comas aren’t sleep, c’mon you need a break we can work on your hair and stuff when you wake up.”
(Sigh) “Okay…but it just feels like sleep’s the last thing that I want right now.”

“And I get that but even just laying down will help.”

I nod. “Okay, lying down sounds okay.”

She helps me get up and we take a look through the things again and I pick out an oversized nightshirt with a sort of stormy blue grey to it and it’s definitely cut for a girl it’s not a boy’s shirt and then a pair of sweat pants and they’re…wow…they’re so soft.

And warm even though they’re kind of light or they feel sort of light and you know? Dressed and out of the hospital stuff makes me feel better.

Dad’s just coming back from wherever as we’re getting out of the bathroom and he smiles at me for a second going. “Looking better…okay what’s wrong?”

“Her back.”

“Right gotcha, no pushing it kiddo.”

I roll my eyes. “You guys.”

Dad laughs. “Oh definitely my teenaged daughter with the eye roll.”

I actually almost do it again before catching myself and give him the side eye.

“That’s a stereotype dad.”

He actually chuckles. “Yeah well Sarah some of them are true, you get that from your mom.”

“I do?”

“Oh she was an expert at it in college.”

Mom’s like. “If I didn’t do that or something I swear that sometimes I’d have slapped some people.”

Dad’s nodding but I’m just sort of looking at her with a huh?

He’s smiling. “you mom used to wait tabled in the café in the student union and she was one of the best there so they didn’t fire her but she was really well known for not taking BS or putting up with stupid people.”

And I’m like. “But it’s college?”

And Mom looks at me. “Exactly you’d think that there would be a standard and there is sort of but there’s also viral-clique-mutations.”

I look at her.

“Assh…okay all the rich kids you don’t like usually go to college and the thing is it’s not just the ones in your school but all the people like them and worse going to that school and once they’re there they exude the stench of massed privilege like a mating pheromone and they congregate in groups….groups of all those people that you couldn’t stand…with alcohol.”

I look at her. “Okay wow you really were not part of the popular crowd huh?”

She looks at me. “No they made my life a living hell.”

I bite my lip and I lean forward and take her arm and I pull her in to sit on the bed and I give her a hug. “Well I think you’re okay and I’ll likely need the experience when people find out.”

She looks down at me and her eyes soften and get all moist looking and we hug. It’s so strange getting to know her like this but at the same time it’s amazing too because just how many kids can say that they get their folks like this and get that they’re like us…screwed up and a mess in their own ways.

“I like this Mom.”

“Like what…”

“This…we’re close now…and it’s just more…right?”

She nods. “It’s different; it’s a lot different Sarah.”

We’re hugging pretty tightly when the lady from the food services comes in with breakfast and I’m still trying to decide whether or not to ask if that different is good or a bad thing?

Well it’s bound to be different really and she’s likely dealing with this too.

I want to say something but I don’t.

The odd little lump though inside kind of feels like this isn’t something new to me.

Breathe Sarah…

Mom does give me a bit more of a squeeze though before she helps me get things in order so they can set down my food tray.

Tea, orange juice, more cream of wheat (Yarf…) and a slice of whole wheat toast and a packet of peanut butter. And as unappetizing as it sounds I eat it all and savor the peanut butter on the toast just enjoying chewing sort of.

Dad looks at me and chuckles. “What’s that look for?”

“The toast is soggy; it’s so soggy that it’s likely why I’m allowed to have it because I’m not sure that it’s a solid.”

He’s has a half smile on his face and takes a drink of his drink. “Hospital food’s designed to make you want to get up and get better faster just to get something to eat.”

“I’m better take me home.”

“No…not quite there kiddo.”

I pout and take another bite of peanut butter mush toast, chew then hold my hands up lamely and ironically say. “Yay…”

He chuckles and I see Mom smile too at me so the different might not be too bad after all…so maybe different is like just different?

The food though the food hits me about the time that I’m done my tea and the yawns turned really fast into the blinks and then the head nods and then I was out like a light.

They’re both still there when I wake up but they’re asleep and Mom’s in Dad’s lap and arms and he’s sort of stretched out in the chair with his feet up on the side of my bed and I smile and just watch they for a minute and take it all in.

I honestly think that I’d like that, that curled up on someone’s lap being held and made safe. It has this sort of wistful kind of sigh quality for me really.

Yes it’d definitely be nice.

I watch for a little bit more before I get my tablet and put on my earphones and start going through things listening to the music I have downloaded and reading things that I’ve blogged about and saved not just there on my Live Journal but like just in general and there’s some things that I’m getting.

I like anime and manga but not as much as some of my friends it’s kind of like something I learned to love. I like old rock like from the 60’s to like the 80’s and 90’s and I listen to girl bands too. I like Vixen it seems and Heart and The Go-Go’s and The Corrs and Alanis, Nora Jones, Amy Winehouse and Adele as well as a lot of girl sort of R&B stuff…and apparently I have a YouTube Channel where all this is at too so I go to it through the links and listen as I read.

And sort of gently bed bop a little.

I think that I might like dancing?

Anything, every little bit is a bit more of me I think that I’m re-building or getting back.

I eventually read through a whole lot of the posts and stuff on my Journal and I screw up the courage and I start to type a new entry.

“Hey…I’ve been gone a long time right? Well a lot’s happened to me and I guess I better explain what had happened. I was with my guy-mode friends and one of then just got his license and we were doing stuff…I can’t remember what yet but we had a major car wreck and I was the only one that got out of it.”

“I nearly died and am still in the hospital. Then thing is they had to cut my skull open or something because I had like major swelling on my brain. And it’s so very, very bad fiction but I was in a coma…and I can’t remember anything.”

“Yeah it’s pretty much all gone and I’ve found myself here in this journal and with all of you…and even with my memory gone…guess what? I’m still trans. So I guess I’m still Sarah. And I’m like out to my folks.”

“I sort of had a major PTSD freak out inside the Scanner-coffin thing and I…Sarah came out during my panic attack. Thankfully my folks seem to be cool about it. The whole thing though is really scary and really messed up. I think so for all of us.”

“Well that’s about it for now, I really can’t think of much else to say or cover right now.”

I read it twice and then I hit post and I sit back and switch over to my You Tube to watch some videos and as I’m doing so I’m getting pings to my g-mail with replies to my post.

I’m really nervous as I click it over and start to read them.

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 11

*Before…

“Yeah it’s pretty much all gone and I’ve found myself here in this journal and with all of you…and even with my memory gone…guess what? I’m still trans. So I guess I’m still Sarah. And I’m like out to my folks.”

“I sort of had a major PTSD freak out inside the Scanner-coffin thing and I…Sarah came out during my panic attack. Thankfully my folks seem to be cool about it. The whole thing though is really scary and really messed up. I think so for all of us.”

“Well that’s about it for now, I really can’t think of much else to say or cover right now.”

I read it twice and then I hit post and I sit back and switch over to my You Tube to watch some videos and as I’m doing so I’m getting pings to my g-mail with replies to my post.

I’m really nervous as I click it over and start to read them.

*And Now…

Thunder Muffin… is the first reply and she’s from Los Angeles and she seems nice, she’s black too it’s in her bio which I think makes her kind of my first black friend. Okay I’m not sure about that but it’s just a feeling I have about like here and things it’s not like I’ve seen that many black folks here at the hospital since I’ve woken up just white folks and some Middle Eastern looking people and some East-Indian looking people and some Asian’s and not that many of them in the staff or even in the patient areas that I’ve been to.

She’s really excited to hear that I’m more or less okay and that I’m out and that my parents seem to be cool with it and all. She likes guys so it was she sort of thought and ended up getting outed as gay before she figured herself out but the end result was the same and she was kicked out of her house by her folks and now she’s living in a Share-House?

And she’s working in a food truck.

Which really sucks as she’s telling me about all this stuff I’ve never had and right now can’t but it sounds so good.

Like Hoisin pulled pork tacos with sesame seeds and those like crispy chow mein fried noodles.

(Groan.)

Like onion pancakes with molasses begogi beef and shredded lettuce.

(Double groan.)

Then my stomach rumbles and makes this pathetic sound and Dad looks at me cracking an eye. “Hungry?”

“Starving, one of my friends is talking about the food she makes on her food truck.”

“You want me to get you something?”

“Could you?”

“I’ll go ask.”

He moves mom who sort of mumbles and wakes up and she looks at him and then me and tries to get up and she’s amazingly and endearingly clumsy as she’s waking up and all. She kisses me on the forehead. “I’m going to go with your dad and get some air and stuff you going to be okay?”

“Yeah I’m just catching up with my friends online.”

“Okay we’ll be back.” She hugs me and she gives me a kiss and she heads out with dad and I kind of get back to the screen.

Pyro kitty’s on and so is Fennicfox and Satori-Nova and they’re all posting and talking and stuff with me and it’s suddenly a whole lot less…lonely.

They’re like me; they’re trans girls like me. Well not all like me but sort of like me? Fenn’s not out and she’s really kind of hurting about it and everything else. She’s in Texas and from the stuff that she’s posted (I’m looking at those in another tab.) and the stuff that she’s saying I’m getting this whole picture of a pretty bleak lifescape with right winger rednecks there all around her including her family who seem pretty anti-LGBTQAI+.

You know people that are like you but they live in those places that you can’t really get? Like where racism is around like all like with that whole bad southern stuff like you see on TV but it’s not for Fenn it’s like real and worse is she’s Mexican descended so she gets all of that stuff too.

3rd Generation and she’s told all the time to stop stealing jobs and to go back to where she came from.

I wanna go and rescue her. I want her to have a safe place, I want to give her hugs and make things suck less.

PK’s funny as hell and apparently she’s from the south too and she’s offering her couch to Fenn who says she can’t go. But PK’s in New Orleans and she actually moved there after the flood and everything. I get a kick how she says things and she says “Son” a lot but not like misgendering but in like this regional thing.

Satori calls her Foghorn?

Okay I don’t get the whole “I say, I say…” joke it’s something that I forgot or it’s like regional or something. But it really doesn’t matter since it’s still just really cool to have this. Have something that’s me and every time that I see my name, that I see Sarah on the screen it’s awesome.

Fenn leaves first because she has to like watch how much time she spend online because she can’t really afford it since her parents are making her pay for her own internet and stuff. PK’s on for a while after that and she’s leaves heading off to her job waitressing?

“Wait what?”

“I have to go to work.”

“You got a job?”

“Kinda had to I’m on my own.”

“What? Why?”

“My parents tossed me when I came out and stuff so I’m paying my own way.”

“What about school?”

“I’m going for my GED when I can.”

“Shit sorry hun.”

“No problem Chere, I’m good.”

“Hey I’m trans not a drag queen enough with the Cher stuff.”

She does a whole line of LOL’s and leaves with a TTFN and then it’s me and Satori who types. “I feel like totally spoiled.”

“Really?”

“Yeah my folks are like yours, and I don’t have to live and do stuff like Fennec and Pyro.”

“Yeah my folks have been really Top Shelf about the whole thing it’s kind of freaky really.”

“Sarah you nearly died, having you be okay is a lot bigger thing than being trans.”

“Or it should be, I hate that PK is down there on her own.”

“Don’t be she’s a tough cookie I think, it’s Fenn that I’m worried about.”

I’m nodding even though she can’t see me so I type. *Nods.* “I think her folks will take it bad if she comes out.”

*Nods* “yeah I hear so much terrible shit out of Texas online and stuff it sort of freaks me out and especially the whole like racial thing.”

I think for a minute. “So where are you?”

“School, first lunch and now gym but I have a not until the school figures out exactly on how they want to deal with me and the whole bathroom and changing room thing.”

“Oh…that’s got to suck.”

“Meh Small town Ontario whatchagonnado?”

I grin and type. “I wanna rock!”

I burst out giggling as she types. *Flexes like Hulk Hogan and rips off blouse and bra.*

I snort because I have this image in my head. “Unfair.”

“Hey he wore a feather boa.”

I type *Snerk* “Laughing oh…can’t breathe.”

“Hit your call button….you have oxygen in there right?”

“Eeeew…” *Gags*

“Gags? You’ll get a buzz.”

“I was intubated.”

“Sounds dirty.”

“And……there goes me having oral sex ever in my life with a guy.”

“So you know?”

“I…oh holy shit do you think? It was like one of the things that I was like wondering.”

*Shrugs* “Maybe it could be a subconscious nod towards your sexuality or we’re like just reading way too much into it.

“I have like no idea.”

I see my parents coming and thet have what looks like bags from someplace that might resemble food and such and I see them talking to the nurses and a guy in a lab coat and stuff.

“Folks are here they have food.”

“Food is of the good, I love food.”

“Okay cool class is getting close to over and stuff so I have that but do you want me to come over/”

“Come over?”

“Yeah like on the weekend I mean you can ask your folks and I can bunk there and come in a visit you and we can like hang out and chill out, do like make-overs and stuff.”

“How?”

“I have a car and my license I’ll drive over.”

“I’ll ask, of that’d be so cool.”

“KK laters Sare-bear.”

Sare-bear….wow that just feels.

“Later’s and Satori?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thanks for today, it really helped and the offer it’s amazing.”

“Hai-hai.”

I smile as she logs off chat and I’m just staring at her page and then smiling as Mom and Dad come in and whatever they have smells amazing.

I’m drooling as he passes me a thing of heat up yourself ramen noodles and with it a Chinese take-out bowl filled with Hot and Sour soup.

And some stuff for me to do.

Right now happiness is Hot and Sour soup and crayons and a coloring book.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 12

*Before…

“Later’s and Satori?”

“Hmmm?”

“Thanks for today, it really helped and the offer it’s amazing.”

“Hai-hai.”

I smile as she logs off chat and I’m just staring at her page and then smiling as Mom and Dad come in and whatever they have smells amazing.

I’m drooling as he passes me a thing of heat up yourself ramen noodles and with it a Chinese take-out bowl filled with Hot and Sour soup.

And some stuff for me to do.

Right now happiness is Hot and Sour soup and crayons and a coloring book.

*And Now…

It’s a good day.

I mean it’s like just sort of staying like that all day. My noodles in the cup were so good especially after the stuff I’d been eating and I guess they were alright by the staff since they didn’t really give us any grief over me having that or the soup.

I ate slowly and sipped at the soup from both things and I colored in my Tinkerbelle faeries coloring books and put on one of those new Tinkerbelle movies to go with it on my Nexflix.

I don’t know if there was a little Sarah, I can’t remember being a little Sarah and I don’t care if I’m a teenager right now I’m in the hospital for who knows how long so I watched cartoons and colored.

Dad read his paper and Mom watched and she colored with me and for while I got to see her stop being an adult too. I mean when she’s really taking her time and getting not just the color filled in but like she’s trying to get the colors in the right shade and stuff…or when she’s stopping doing that to watch part of the movie with me.

It’s more than a little cool and it sort of feels good.

I’m not that young or that brain damaged to get that there’s a lot of stuff that you have to do, that’s a lot of not fun stuff as an adult.

Sometimes you need an escape, a break or even just someone to like give you a bit of breathing room or something.

Yeah and that has me like all sort of curious about life at home and just our lives in general. I’m getting thoughts and I’m not sure if I always thought this way or it’s the me being really Sarah thing?

I mean I’ve read about being trans and in denial.

And I was hanging out with a bunch of guys as my friends when the accident happened.

So how did I act home?

Okay so the day wasn’t totally perfect with the questions and the what if’s that are in my head but it was still pretty darned close with the stuff with mom and dad and just hanging out and the coloring and the movies and I didn’t have to choke down stuff since I had lunch and I even drifted off or a nice nap after a while.

No poking, no prodding and no tests and no machines that will set me off.

Like I said it was pretty nice.

Mom woke me for supper and the food service people brought me tomato soup with crackers which wasn’t too bad and chocolate pudding which was okay…ish.

Mom was looking beat and I was getting stir crazy a little so we went for a walk through the ward and then out and around the lobby it’s a pretty small hospital. I mean it’s big but when you can only go in certain places because the rest are either with other patients or with places that are off limits like lab or medical imaging and outpatients and stuff.

And we stopped and we talked to some people that Mom knew. It’s a little strange but at the same time it makes sense in a way because I’ve been here for a lot longer than it feels to me and mom has had time to get to know and get to meet people and everything.

I have no idea it they talked before this or if I’m the in house rumor or something but there’s a lot of people that seem to be okay with calling me Sarah instead of Shawn and the few that don’t know and we tell them seem okay about it.

But there are some though.

I noticed it and if I noticed it Mom did too.

There’s some people that give us this sort of look like I did something to them or I’m a bad taste in their mouth and some of them look like they don’t even want to look at me and are having a hard time holding back from saying something.

It’s not everyone…it’s nowhere near everyone but it still makes me feel kind of eeew and really self-conscious.

But I wasn’t accosted and no one actually went out of their way to treat me like crap or say something at me or about me and compared to some of the stuff that I’ve read in the stuff said in my LJ page from the posts of people that are on my page…I’m going to consider that a good thing.

So all in all I’m going to call that a good day.

Sarah’s first good day.

It gets close to eight and Mom’s nodding off and Dad looks done in too and I look at them both. “You two can go home I’m okay.”

Mom looks at me and I smile. “Honestly Mom you guys need to get some sleep and I’m good. I’m just going to be online a bit and then crash.”

She sighs and stretches and I hear things popping…ugh…I hate that sound. “Are you sure, we can stay.”

“Mom, I’m sure I’ll be okay. I’m well looked after.”

Dad nods and says. “Okay…” He gets up and he leans over and gives me a kiss on the cheek and a light hug and then Mom does the same. “Sleep well kiddo.”

“You too Dad, Mom….I love you guys.”

They smile when they leave and head home and I’m up for like another two hours or so having sort of read some more stuff in my LJ but mostly watching 13 Going on 30 which is sort of a pretty cute and kinda funny movie.

And it’s the first sort of chick flick that I’ve watched that I know of.

*……………….. It starts the next day just after Mom and Dad get there and after breakfast we’re headed down to my doctor’s clinic where the two doctors are at that save my life the ER surgeon and the McDreamy that saved my brain from becoming a lump of pink cauliflower. McDreamy’s from Grey’s Anatomy the show and I call him that because it sort of fits. Not that he’s Patrick Dempsey but he is a neuro-surgeon and he does have that kind of look that says I’m great at what I do.

And well he is actually kind of cute.

Kinda old for me and everything but late thirties or early forties, really well groomed and nice clothes and a nice watch and a nice pair of shoes too.

There’s a lot of stuff talked about and there’s screens with my x-rays and stuff and then pointing out stuff that I don’t really understand a whole lot of but Dad sort of repeats them with his own sort of boiled down version.

The car accident tore me up, there was damage to my back, to the discs but to the muscles too and there was a large gash along my back going from my right shoulder to left hip. And seeing the stuff the pictures and al has part of me feeing all quavery about my scars and yet there’s part of me glad to be alive.

The rest is talking about my physiotherapy and things like range of motion and me adding in my experiences in how it feels waking and standing and what my back feels like as I get more and more tired and the hurt and the pressure that it feels like.

Then I get a break and the neuro guy has me in another room and there’s tests but stuff on his computer. It’s like an IQ test but with other stuff like pictures that I have to tell differences in and then picking out things and some of them have this time clock and stuff and there’s stuff that I don’t really get.

….Aaugh…missing questions and stuff really messes with my zen. Well if I had actual zen and stuff like that. It’s hard for me…there’s a few questions I know are likely above my grade level and there’s some that I know that I should know or get but it’s not there…or it’s there but I just like get there in my head.

That’s so frustrating I want to scream.

And the more that I feel that way, the tenser I get, the more my back hurts and after awhile I’m crying partly of pain and frustration and I’m wiping at my eyes with the back of my hands and Mom comes over looking at me worriedly.

“Sarah? Look you can stop I asked the doctor.”

(Sniffle.) “No…no Mom, I can’t I got to do this.”

“You don’t have to prove stuff to anyone honey.”

“I wanna know, I need to know.” (Sniffle-whine.)

“Don’t push yourself, you’re still healing.”

“Mom please!” Okay…I kind of sort of shouted at her…my arms are doing this frustrated sort of wave thing and my fists are balled up. I want to hit that damned computer.

She looks like she’s biting her tongue, she looks mad but I’m not sure about what exactly…and I hate it I really farking (LJ swear lite.) hate it.

Dad comes in and to the rescue with two of those flannel sheets from the heated thing he wraps one around Mom and he does this big hug and hold thing for her like he’s squeezing her back together and she grips his forearm like she’s hanging onto him…(Sniffle-wow…) and he unfolds it and sets it on the back of my chair and the heat…oh god it feels so good and there’s this relief-care-sob that comes out and Dad gives me this big hug not a hard one but just big and he holds me a few moments before kissing the top of my head.

“Breathe Kiddo, Breathe…it’s just a test, just an arbitrary thing it’s not you. It’s not a big thing.”

Breathe and breathe…oh…I can seriously breathe now…

(Sniffle.) “Thanks Dad, Thanks for the spoons.”

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 13

*Before…

Dad comes in and to the rescue with two of those flannel sheets from the heated thing he wraps one around Mom and he does this big hug and hold thing for her like he’s squeezing her back together and she grips his forearm like she’s hanging onto him…(Sniffle-wow…) and he unfolds it and sets it on the back of my chair and the heat…oh god it feels so good and there’s this relief-care-sob that comes out and Dad gives me this big hug not a hard one but just big and he holds me a few moments before kissing the top of my head.

“Breathe Kiddo, Breathe…it’s just a test, just an arbitrary thing it’s not you. It’s not a big thing.”

Breathe and breathe…oh…I can seriously breathe now…

(Sniffle.) “Thanks Dad, Thanks for the spoons.”

*And Now…

I take a few really deep breaths after the really cool hug and I finish the test while Mom and Dad look on with the doctor. I don’t do well on the timed stuff especially with the math questions and then there’s my vocabulary too. There’s word’s that I know but I don’t know…I mean I can read a definition and have the feeling of yay I know this but I can’t connect the word to the feeling and definition.

Aphasia they’re calling it and after a bit of talking and stuff from what I get after the tests and all it’s like my brain with some things is like trying to load something and it’s there but it’s doing that whirly circle loading thingy.

The bad news is this is likely to be with me the rest of my life though there’s stuff that I can do that will help it out I guess…so there’s some kind of good news.

The other doc says that I’ll have likely lifelong issues too with my back compared to someone without what I had happen but with physio I should get a lot better.

I look at them while taking this all in. “So…I’ll never fulfill my dream of being a trapeze artist then?”

Dad has this that was funny but that wasn’t funny look…..almost a smirk on his face and Mom too though I think that she almost laughed in the way that she coughed right after I said that.

The neuro guy actually grins at me. “You’re a smart alec that’s good.”

I blink at him. “Really how so, I’d think that it might get me in trouble.”

“Likely but it’s a good sign of how well your verbal processing works.”

“Oh well I’m glad of that.”

“And…”

“And?”

“And given where you’re headed with transition and all it’ll help you deal with a lot of the stuff that you’ll likely run into.”

I look at him. “You know many Trans people?”

“Some, I work with some and then there’s always studies being done with things in the whole brain-sex issues.”

I nod. “I’ve some articles on my Live Journal that are for and some that are against the science of it.”

He nods. “It’s very divergent people are still looking at things like genetics and birth orders and then there’s the hormonal receptor make up and then there’s a whole list of outside environmental factors that are being looked at too.”

I nod….kind of in that dazed semi there way.

“I…I know that, I mean I can actually sort of remember reading all this stuff about it.”

He nods. “You’ve a vested interest; the way that your brain will do some things is it will calibrate things that have an extreme emotional reoccurring response or a rote response.”

Dad’s like… “So like how she knows she's trans and remembers that?”

He nods. “That’s part of that but there’s more to her identity than that and that’s still being explored but her knowing those feelings is based in a chemical familiarity response.”

“And like learning things like reading and writing and things Sarah had taught herself, her brain by rote about the things that she researched about her trans issues.”

And Mom’s like… “So is that how she might be able to get past some of her Aphasia?”

He nods. “Doing the things she finds challenging will help, it will help her brain actually acclimate to its new condition while doing these tasks and the human body has a very strong tendency to like to try and streamline things if possible. It’s how we treat a lot of the things that happens with stroke victims.”

We’re kind of done after that at least with the other stuff to see about how things are physically with my head and then it’s off to the psychiatrist.

The first session’s kind of long and a three parter with her Dr. Johansen talking to us about what had happened and the discovery and coming outness of myself as Sarah and the incident in the coffin of doom.

Then it’s the big thing.

She’s looking at me.

“So Sarah given what’s actually going on with you physically and your memory loss do you think that I could see your Live Journal?”

“Okay…”

I take my tablet out and I turn it on and get my LJ up and I pass it to her and she gives it a casual look over then she takes out her own laptop and turns it on and everything.

“Would you be comfortable about me being on your Live Journal’s friends list?”

“Uhm…well it’s not just me on there I mean there’s stuff on my feed that’s posted about stuff that other trans people are going through and have like gone through and stuff it’s pretty private.”

She nods. “I completely understand and I can tell that you have reservations about this too but given what’s going on and how far back this goes I’d like to have time to look through all of this and see who Sarah is exactly.”

“I need to think about it some.”

“That’s fine, now there’s some things that I need to talk to your parents about if that’s okay.”

“It kind of makes me paranoid but I guess.”

“Paranoid?”

“You’ll be talking about me right?”

“Yes and we’ll be talking about them too, there’s a lot of sides to transition and a supportive family dynamic. They have questions and I have questions for them too.”

“Okay…but see…paranoid.”
She looks at me. “Why would you be paranoid?”

“With everything I’ve heard about stuff from people about transition and therapists and gatekeeping added to my whole medical condition and stuff you’d be paranoid too.”

She takes a drink of her travel mug and she looks at me. “Well with your medical history being a real factor and your memory loss I’d have to but I honestly try to not pre-judge people on things that are integral matters of mental health.”

I purse my lips at her. “Sure speak all logical and stuff.”

She smiles. “I completely understand that you have fears and that you need to feel the way that you do right now.”

“Sure you do….”

“I actually do before I went to school for this I wasn’t exactly the picture of someone that had it together either.”

“So…you were nuts?”

“I had issues and I got through them and had enough of a good experience that it gave me then inspiration to actually go to school and really learn how to help other people.”

“You know that might not be a good endorsement right?”

“That’s up to you but most of my patients seem to like the fact that I’ve kind of been there.”

I purse my lips again. “Damned logic.” I get up and head to the waiting room with my tablet. "I’ll think about it okay?”

“Definitely okay.”

I head out to the waiting room and then I take a seat and sit there with my tablet on and looking at stuff on my Live Journal but not…it’s a really big thing that she’s asking me to do and it scares the bejesus out of me really because it’s.

Because it’s like for me right now my like’s like Pandora’s box and I’m just peeking into it and into myself…. That’s scary as heck and now there’s someone that I don’t know that is one of those people that is just scary to begin with and now she’s there wanting to peek in and look in over my shoulder at me and who I am inside.

I actually journal that last bit as a kinda sorts update and then I sent out some PM’s to the people on my friends list.

“Uhm Hey everyone this is Sarah, I’m kind of in a bind and stuff. I’ve got a psychiatrist and she sorta seems alright but it’s still scaring me and everything really bad. See she wants to see this, all of this stuff here on my LJ because it’s the only stuff of me that I have that is any record of me…I mean I don’t really have Shawn-time as me to go by as stuff that happened before in my life.”

“I think, I think I have to do this which means I’ll be friending her to my LJ page here and that there will be a Shrink and an Adult here listening in and stuff.”

“Goddamn it, that scares the shit out of me.”

“If you all need to block or unfriend me to like feel safe and all I get it, it’s really my deal and my bullshit that this is all about and stuff…no judgment from here if you need to bail.”

“But I think, I think that I need to do this.”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 14

*Before…

I actually journal that last bit as a kinda sorts update and then I sent out some PM’s to the people on my friends list.

“Uhm Hey everyone this is Sarah, I’m kind of in a bind and stuff. I’ve got a psychiatrist and she sorta seems alright but it’s still scaring me and everything really bad. See she wants to see this, all of this stuff here on my LJ because it’s the only stuff of me that I have that is any record of me…I mean I don’t really have Shawn-time as me to go by as stuff that happened before in my life.”

“I think, I think I have to do this which means I’ll be friending her to my LJ page here and that there will be a Shrink and an Adult here listening in and stuff.”

“Goddamn it, that scares the shit out of me.”

“If you all need to block or unfriend me to like feel safe and all I get it, it’s really my deal and my bullshit that this is all about and stuff…no judgment from here if you need to bail.”

“But I think, I think that I need to do this.”

*And Now…

It’s a little nerve wracking with them being in there and I get the reasons why they’re in there but it’s still not helping really.

I’m not just the new girl in my school, but I’m the new girl in my family.

School…shit, I hadn’t even thought of school.

Who knew Shawn, who my friends were or any of that stuff.

Then again, I might not have any friends anymore since no one’s come since I’ve woken up and such really.

What was I like then?

Was I liked?

Hated?

Was I strange or weird?

Was I one of the outcasted kids?

I mean I had friends in the car and they all died.

Were they it?

Are people mad that I lived?

They’re families haven’t showed up either…I mean nothing and you’d figure…maybe.

And then there’s the fact I’m Sarah.

And the fact that I’m not really in the closet.

I didn’t come out but I had that whole episode and outburst and there’s some of the staff here like those ones that gave me looks and didn’t look friendly…I well imagine that I’m out whether I want to be or not.

I will tell you there’s nothing like sitting outside of a therapist’s office to send you mind into going into overdrive and having a bad mental hooch drunk with your imagination. I’m working myself up and I know that I’m working myself up with all of this but it’s still stuff that I can’t help but to think about.

How the heck could I not think about all these huge questions that are going to be part of my life but a now this big swirling black hole of really crappy uncertainty?

I want to know but I don’t want to know.

It’s almost to that point where I have one of those worry tummy aches.

Satori comes up in a PM. “Hey, so you serious and stuff about friending your doc?”

I type back. “Yeah, I think I have to do this, I need to be me and she’s the one that’s going to be like holding the hoops.”

“You think she’s going to gate keep?”

“Maybe, she doesn’t Seem too bad but you know a lot of people can seem a lot of like ways and end up being utter poopcandles.”

She types. *Snerk* “Poopcandles.”

“That’s a thing.”

“What kind of a thing?”

“It’s a stick of poo…with that end that trails off…like a candlewick.”

She types… “ROTFL”

Okay I’m sort of smiling at me being an actual funny person.

Satori types. “I’m so picturing all of the assholes I know as poopcandles doing their little blab-blab-blabs but a like Beeker’s from the Muppets but making like fart noises.”

I type… “OMG that has to be like the grossest image I’ve had the misfortune of having someone put in my head.”

And she’s like. “Really you should be me I have enough poopcandles in my head that they’re doing the opening to The Muppet show.”

“Eww…Satori.”

“Nova.”

“Huh?”

“It’s Nova, like from the anime character.”

“What anime?”

“Robotech the second series.”

“I’ve never seen the first.”

“Transforming mecha jet fighters.”

“Oh…that one okay I’ve seen stuff about it.”

“It’s pretty awesome.”

“I’ll have to check it out.”

“You like Gundam?”

“The Korean rapper singer guy?”

“No that’s a song.”

“Oh…well I don’t, I guess that I never like was into the whole mecha stuff.”

“We’ll have to watch some when we get together.”

“Okay sure.”

“That didn’t sound sure.”

“I never asked them yet, heck they’re still in there with my shrink and I have no idea what’s going on.”

“They’re likely talking about the accident and the whole suddenly having a trans daughter.”

“Yeah, and it’s making me paranoid.”

“Don’t be Sarah they’ve been cool so far and stuff give them this, it’s healthy for them to like have a free place to freak out.”

“Yeah okay but it’s kinda hard.”

“You still want me to come?”

“You think that you could?”

“Sure, it’s not like school’s a really big deal with me and all that.”

“Uhm…I literally can’t remember so like why?”

“I’m home schooled.”

“Oh, because of?”

“Yeah some, well, no.”

“Okay you were just Shatnering how about some English?”

“My folks were scared of what might happen if people found out about me in school and they were scared enough of normal schools anyways and they decided that I’d have homeschooling done.”

“Oh so like really protective? But how are they going to let you come here if they’re that scared.”

“Oh well because they actually sort of are kind of mellow in that way, they just don’t trust the other kids not to be bullying shits or the parents to have a freak out but they’re like okay with me doing like stuff by myself and stuff.”

“That sounds pretty sweet.”

“Kinda it’s weird actually, they’ll have me lojacked the whole time.”

“Huh?”

“GPS on my phone and laptop and stuff.”

“They don’t think that you’d turn it off?”

“I do and I lose all my money privileges.”

“Aaah gotcha.”

“So you still want me to show up?”

“…………………..actually yeah…you’re kind of sort of one of the only people I really know.”

She types. *Nods* “Even if it’s online. Okay I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“And I’ll ask my folks.”

“Okay and yeah the thing with the Doc that might not be a bad idea maybe some of us could use her seeing our shit and all.”

“I’m not sure she’d go that far but I’ll…I’ll wait on the others.”

Nova leaves me with her number and her folks number and e-mails and I kind of am left reading and still catching up with things from my past on here. I wrote a lot, I wrote poems and just entries and then there’s like all of the stuff like linked pages and poems that I wrote and all the stuff from my friends and everything too.

It’s a lot of years to read and to catch up on.

It takes actually not that long before PK and Fennec send me PM’s saying that it would be up to me and that they were cool with it because not everything they had on their LJ’s was accessible and they could change the stuff they needed to change to private.

As Fenn said… “It’s not really like she’s going to be like creeping our accounts she’ll be too likely looking at your stuff Sare.”

And I’m like… “So we’re good?”

“Yeah we’re good.”

“Okay thanks y’all.”

“NP anything for Sare-bear.”

Okay Sare-bear makes me smile and I’m still feeling that smile and the whole okay pet name/nick name happy yay stuff when my folks come out and I look up and Dad and Mom are smiling at me and Mom looks red eyed like she was crying.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, just had a lot to get out and stuff, Dr. Johansen’s pretty good.”

I see the Doc smiling too and she looks at me. “I do know what I’m doing Sarah.”

“Yeah…I guess and I’ll friend you to my LJ account.”

“You will?”

“Yes.”

“Will you show me how to make an account?”

Okay that makes me feel a little better since she’s kind of definitely a noob at this stuff so there’s a sort of a kind of relief at her limited abilities and stuff.

“Sure Doc, just give me a minute?”

“No problem, you’re my only appointment today.”

She heads back into the office and I look at Mom and Dad. “One of my friends wants to come here and visit and that might mean that she’ll be staying at our place if she’s allowed to…so…can she come over?”

Dad and Mom look at each other and Dad says. “We need to talk to her parent’s first kiddo.”

I nod. “I have their contact info here.”

I bring it up and show Dad who writes it down and he smiles. “Going to Tim’s you want anything?”

“A double-double?”

“Okay.”

He leaves and Mom stays and I hug her then I knock on the Doc’s office door then head inside to set her up with her own LJ account.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 15

*Before…
She heads back into the office and I look at Mom and Dad. “One of my friends wants to come here and visit and that might mean that she’ll be staying at our place if she’s allowed to…so…can she come over?”
Dad and Mom look at each other and Dad says. “We need to talk to her parent’s first kiddo.”
I nod. “I have their contact info here.”
I bring it up and show Dad who writes it down and he smiles. “Going to Tim’s you want anything?”
“A double-double?”
“Okay.”
He leaves and Mom stays and I hug her then I knock on the Doc’s office door then head inside to set her up with her own LJ account.

*And Now…

We’re not there that long either as I’m setting up Dr. Johansen with her LJ account and getting her a page done up and she’s opting for the bells and whistles of having a paid account and let her in on stuff on the site and some of the drama stuff kind of as a warning and kind of as a temptation and just from the way that she is typing that she’s pretty much a noob for sure.

I’m introducing her to the horror show that is Tumblr and especially the tags that have trans stuff on it and while there’s some great resources and people on there Tumblr’s like the maze of the minotaur and one wrong turn into the wrong tag and you can get really shocked or hurt and even triggered.

The radfem and the trans and gender critical tags are places that ANY trans person should avoid like they carried the plague. But there’s some excellent pro-trans tags too and things that are really good like clothing resources and even places to crash.

It’s some of the things that I do like about it and have seen carried over from there through links to my LJ page. It’s really good to know stuff like this and to have things that even if we don’t use them we can see them.

We’re actually kind of talking about that as I’m showing her stuff like how it kind of helps inside seeing stuff that’s not all out to get us and being critical of us or just hateful enough to bring you to tears.

Never, never ever read Janice Raymond’s books.

I couldn’t even get past excerpts that I seen on PK’s page while she was ranting about her and Sheila Jeffrey’s.

She looks at me. “These things these gender critical people bother you?”

I look at her. “Yeah, they take people like me and our lives and they lambaste us and paint us as bad people and deviants and they pretend that it’s all about class and other garbage.”

“It makes you angry?”

“It makes me angry and it makes me scared too.”

“Scared?”

“Read the stuff there in the tags, read what they’re saying and it’s not adults either it’s so many people that are my age and stuff.”

“It’s a big website they’re a really small group.”

“Yeah but they’re not alone, they’re not just the only ones that think that people like me are trash.”

“And this scares you?”

“It wouldn’t scare you? I don’t know what’s going on out there what the people that used to know me are like and what the people that live in town are like and I’ve seen people here…right fracking here in the building on the staff that have a problem with me.”

“Did someone say something?”

“No, no one said anything but I’ve already seem looks and I saw the barely there frowns that they gave me.”

“Your safe here no one’s going to hurt you while you’re here.”

“There’s a lot of ways to hurt people Doc.”

“If something happens though you’ll report it?”

“Yeah, because if I didn’t it just leaves them able to go and keep doing whatever.”

“You do know that if you just stayed as Shawn this wouldn’t be a thing that you’d have to face?”

I side-eye her, oh I side-eye her so hard. “If I kept living a lie than Sarah would end up being just as effing fake as Shawn and I’d just end up being a ghost. I’m not living through hell Doc, not for anybody or anything.”

She looks at me. “Transition is hard, dealing with people and all of the consequences both with the physical things that you’ll have to go through and all of the social stuff that will trail after you will be hard Sarah.”

I huff and cross my arms under my breasts…uhm…bra.

“I don’t care, I don’t care because I’m not going to give in Doc…It’s just really that I’m plenty scared of what’s going to come after everything that’s going on now.”

“What is going on now?”

“Oh Amnesia, Aphasia, lifelong back damage, likely learning disabilities…and the other stuff.”

“Other stuff?”

“Where’s the families? Where are the families of Shawn’s friends you’d think that people would know that I’m alive and that I’m awake, where are the cards from them or from my classmates…when’s the other shoe going to drop?’

“Who says that there’s another shoe to drop, you’ve already hit the benchmark.”

I twist my lips up in a sideways scrunch. “Okay…Thrown not dropped.”

She looks a little amused.

“Sarah, I really have no answers at this point but I will think on all of the things that you’ve mentioned and I will read up not just on your journal but those other things that you were talking about since in counseling you I’ll need a working knowledge of just the things that you will be facing as you go through your transition.”

I look at her…and slide my arms back from where they were folded to more of a relaxed place. “Okay…I guess I can deal with that.”

“Good, now I want to ask do you want me to inquire about the families of the boys that died in the crash with you?’

“Please…I mean if you can like do it quietly…I don’t want to like force myself on anyone y’know.”

She nods and she stands up and she walks me to the door. “Okay I will and I will be checking in now and then and I want to see you while you’re here every day.”

“Every day?”

“You’re going to be going through a lot yet with rehab and physio and there’s still thinks that might crop up we’ll just do thirty minute check ins and we can have a full session each Friday.”

“Uhm…” Okay that actually seems okay. “So like if the nurses and the people in physio drive me around the bend I can come in here and yell at you?”

“Yes kind of just like that.”

I nod a little as we head out of her office. “You know that I was worried, I have a lot of stuff that’s on there about bad therapists and stuff Doc.”

“Well I guess I’ll be reading about some of that then, honestly seeing these things will actually give me a whole better look into the things that you find interesting or anger you or other things as well as to let me see into your community and peer group.”

I look at her and then at Mom and Dad. “Actually speaking about my peer group one of my LJ friends was wanting to come here and visit.”

Dad’s like… “And we were talking to her and she seems like a nice kid and we’ve been talking to her parents as well and they seem pretty decent too.”

I look at him and bite my lip. “So she can come over?”

“Yes and if you can do without your mom and I for a while tomorrow we’re going to drive down and pick her up so we can actually meet her parents instead of talking to them on the phone and online.”

I can’t help it but I end up hugging him and he hugs me back.

And there it is the sniffles. (Sniffle.) “You guys are awesome, you sure it’s okay?”

He gives me a bit of a tighter squeeze that sort of sets off what the Doc just said about all of the stuff that they must have gone through with me and everything. It really, really means a whole hell of a lot that he and that she cares so much.

That he’s hugging me like hugging me is special.

……me…special.

Y’know it’s one of those visceral feelings more than anything else but it feels like feeling like I’m special was something that was pretty far removed from my life before this.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 16

*Before…

“Yes and if you can do without your mom and I for a while tomorrow we’re going to drive down and pick her up so we can actually meet her parents instead of talking to them on the phone and online.”
I can’t help it but I end up hugging him and he hugs me back.
And there it is the sniffles. (Sniffle.) “You guys are awesome, you sure it’s okay?”
He gives me a bit of a tighter squeeze that sort of sets off what the Doc just said about all of the stuff that they must have gone through with me and everything. It really, really means a whole hell of a lot that he and that she cares so much.
That he’s hugging me like hugging me is special.
……me…special.
Y’know it’s one of those visceral feelings more than anything else but it feels like feeling like I’m special was something that was pretty far removed from my life before this.

*And Now…

I squeeze him back as hard as I dare. “Thanks Daddy that’s so awesome.”

He shrugs in the hug. “Well honestly kiddo it’d be good for you and it’d be good for us and your friend Kaitlyn too.”

Oooh…I know this…somehow I know this and I don’t think it’s because I’m like putting together the clues from here and this conversation Kaitlyn is Nova’s IRL name.

“Good for her too?”

“Well the little bit I talked to her dad it kind of sounds like you girls are kind of living insulated kinds of lives.”

“Yeah really there seems to be a lot of us online and stuff but really there’s not or in the real world either, getting to hang out is sort of really like rare unless you live in a major city that has like all the support and stuff that we need in the community.”

He looks at me after we stop hugging. “Pretty much my take only a whole lot less on the ball than that.”

I blush and grin. “I…I guess that I’m into it because it’s like my life right?”

“It’s a good plan kiddo; it’s always good to keep on top of things.”

And yeah I’m blushing again because it’s praise…its dad saying that stuff to me.

It feels better than good really.

We leave the office there and we head down and just sort of hang out at the lobby some and there’s a sort of an atrium there with the big windows and potted plants and a couple of benches and the like right next to the gift shop and the canteen and we just sort of just go there for going there like a bit of a walk because I really don’t want to go back to my room right away unless I have to.

It’s not even really a big thing it’s just one of those things that you kind of just do?

And even that’s kind of nice looking at the flowers and the plaques on the wall and there’s a lot of stuff that’s like historical with the names of soldiers that fought in WW1 and WW2 and people that did some I guess pretty cool stuff too it’s just sort of nice.

Then Mom and I end up in the gift shop and it’s kind of nice it’s run by The Ladies Auxiliary and the Rotary Clubs and they sell like knickknacks and a few sundries and things but they also sell like charity stuff like breast cancer tee’s and Rick Hanson stuff and some craft made clothes and even things like jewelry and other kinds of things and Mom and I are actually shopping and looking and trying on the ladies hats that they have here and things in this thrift rack that they have and honestly it looks like donated stuff but also things that senior ladies had brought in.

Mom’s not into some of those but I adore some of the things and there’s some 40-70 era vintage things there that’d likely get snatched up really fast and I give mom this pleading look and she nods.

Whoo-hoo!

I get two really nice cut satin blouses that are a little big for me but will do that drape down just long enough and I can do the belt thing over it for that look, I get three sundresses that have these prints I don’t think are even thought of being made anymore and a couple of cute cuts ranging from an old fellows trilby hat for that whole Stevie Nicks look and there was even this ladies bowler looking flapper hat that was just all sorts of quirky and cute.

And I sort of have ideas for the other stuff and it’s actually pretty darned cool doing this with Mom and seeing the looks she gives me. I think they’re good looks in that they seem to be between pleased and enjoying herself kinds of smiles to pleasantly surprised about the stuff we’re doing and the stuff that I’m saying.

It also turns out that I know a good deal about clothes too and that’s somehow not purged out of my memory. I don’t get how that works since there’s like no memories of me dressing and any of that coming to the surface but it’s like I just sort of know clothes and colors and fits…not like in a big sort of professional way but just…just maybe like any other girl?

And the ladies at the gift shop were pretty awesome because I know that I might not really pass yet even with how I’m dressed and stuff but they call me young lady and refer to me when talking to Mom as your daughter.

It’s all pretty much a total making up for the stress of the tests and seeing the psychologist today.

We get my booty and take it up to my room and Dad takes off to do some stuff and to get us some take out for supper after talking to the kitchen people and I’m still not really allowed solids or anything really like hard to digest but they’ll let him get me stuff like soup and things that are not too hard on my system given the in coma liquid diet I’ve been on for too long.

But I guess they’re cool with that because well it’s food and a meal that they don’t have to do up for me and I guess that saves money. (Shrugs.)

But while Dad’s out Mom and I are going through the other things that we have in the other bags and we shampoo and condition my hair and play around with some make-up.

Mom’s actually really decent with a comb and brush and scissors and I end up with a fixed up cut that’s short. It’s kind of like one of those cute little butch haircuts that looks good when it’s combed down and at the same time looks a little rockin when she puts in some product and gives me that chopped spiked look that you see everywhere with like the college girls.

“Wow…okay this looks great.”

Mom smiles. “I actually used to do this for a job back in college.”

“You went to school for this?”

“Nope, just sort of fell into it when I was doing it to save money with friends in the dorms and then the share house I was in and after a while word got around and a salon that was short a couple of people during a bad flu season gave me a ring up and asked if I was interested. I spent my whole last two years in school with a chair.”

“A chair?”

“Some places rent their chairs where the customers get cut in and others will have you use a chair for a share of the money per customer.”

“So what’d you do?”

“I just cut hair for minimum wage and tips as I was filling in but it wasn’t really a bad job if you could handle the bad stuff.”

“Bad stuff?”

“Smokers they have in in their clothes and then when you wash their hair it…and then there’s dirty hair some people just are like hygiene challenged and then there’s like some of the seniors that aren’t too bad but they tend to get a lot of dye jobs and perms and there’s all the chemicals from those.”

“Okay Eeew…” I mean it too the whole thought of the smoker thing just kind of kicks in this bad ick sort of feeling in me. “I hate smoking.”

Mom nods. “Good, it’s a bad habit and it took me five tries and forty pounds to quit.”

“You smoked?”

“Before you were born, kind of fell into it along with other stuff back home growing up.”

“Huh?”

“A lot of kids that were like us growing up in the whole not the best of places kinda went for drinking and partying early even those of us that were trying really hard to get out from that.”

I nod. “Peer pressure right?”

She looks at me and she nods. “You kinda get caught up in that even when you don’t want to sometimes.”

I play with my hair looking at it some. “No friends is lonely mom, you do a lot of stuff just to fit in I guess sometimes.”

“Speaking from experience honey?”

“Maybe…maybe Shawn’s friends were just kind of that…friends he had because he had to be Shawn and was lonely….because Shawn wasn’t real.”

She looks like she’s taking that all in and thinking about it. I mean it was kind of strange even for me to talk about Shawn like he was a different person, like he wasn’t a person and if it was odd to say I can’t actually imagine how that might be to like hear.

“Can I ask what brought this on?”

“It’s been there a long time Mom it’s just feelings and…”

“And?”

“Well no one’s showed, no school friends and no one from the families of the boys that were in the car with me.”

Mom gives me this sort of sad look. “Oh Sarah…that’s complicated there’s a lot that went on with their parents and Tommy’s folks were split up before this happened and his father didn’t even show up for the funeral the ass…and his mother moved away, Billy’s parents are avoiding us still ever since the funerals and they still avoid your father and I in town…I mean it’s something that’s just so hard to deal with and seeing us I imagine reminds them of what they lost and then Zack’s folks moved…Zack was driving and they bought him the car and there was a lot of blame going around after everything with them giving him a car with that much power and speed and all.”

Oh…

“Well…poop, I never thought of that kind of stuff happening.”

I’m sort of looking though at the utility issues dresser desk thing and… “What about the kids from school?”

“They left things they left a lot of stuff but flowers and stuff die off and there were things that were just sort of better off home and out of the way.”

“Oh…were there like any things that were like close and like…uhm personal kind of things?”

“Not that I seen or could tell sweetie, and no one’s been by in like the girlfriend or boyfriend way.”

“Mom!”

She blinks at me. “What?”

“I…okay I don’t know…I mean I was going to say that I’m not gay but I don’t know what exactly gay really sort of entails with or like for me now.”

She hugs me and chuckles. “That’s fine Sarah y’know you don’t have to figure this stuff out overnight.”

Sigh… (Sigh)… “I know and this helped, I mean really helped Mom I had those questions banging around in my head all day.”

“You’re welcome honey it’s kind of my job as a parent.”

“What being my therapist?”

“Actually yeah in a way, I couldn’t talk to my folks really. I couldn’t take their stuff half the time and they always though that I thought that I felt like I was better than them.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I knew getting to college and getting the heck out of there was like the only chance I had of not becoming like every other girl that grew up home and didn’t get out…it’d been crappy job after job and then finding or trying to find a guy that wasn’t like totally an ass or worthless and then likely popping out a family just because everyone else did and to get the baby-bonus.”

I look at her. “Really it was that bad?”

She nods and has that looking back expression. “Home had a lot of problems, there wasn’t a lot of good paying jobs there and a lot of the other stuff was seasonal…and there was a definite thing…like where you lived and what your last name was and stuff was a big deal there. So if you really weren’t like part of white collared life there you were destined to be dirty blue collar there and that’s the way it was…unless you got an education and got out of there.”

“But they said you were being like snobby?”

“A lot of us that knew we got out were labeled with that. There’s this whole messed up thing that if you were leaving you were some kind of traitor or a snob or putting on airs.”

“Okay that’s shi…that sounds really bad I think I’d have exploded there.”

“Definitely especially the way things are with you now. I told you what happened right with my friend that died, well she wasn’t the only one and heck only really recently was anything gay or lesbian given any slack and it’s still really not it’s just that political correctness has finally kind of made its way to Cape Breton.”

“Okay I don’t really want to go there and I get why you don’t either they sound like a whole friggin bunch of poopcandles.”

Mom… (Snerks)

Okay cool I made my Mom snerk…that’s kind of brilliant.

We hug some more or rather I give her a hug because that little trip down her memory lane looked really bumpy to me and I feel her loosen up and actually unwind from the tension and everything.

Like Fenn has said on a few threads. ‘Sometimes home is where you escape from.’

I can really see that y’know.

And Dad’s got great timing as he shows up with food and with a suitcase for me so I can put my things in and it’ll look neater and stuff and he brought me my laptop too which makes me really happy because my tablet is great but I kind of am jonesing for a real computer and stuff and he and Mom set all of that stuff up like on my sort of window/shelf space and then he’s taking out food.

Okay it’s soup…again but it’s sooo good. It’s chicken noodle with those big egg noodles that you can get at the grocery store and there’s bits of chicken that are like small but flattened out bits and then there’s like little bits of broccoli and celery and shavings of carrot but it’s mostly soup broth and noodles.

It’s still really, really good and then there’s the whole entire thing that makes me actually sit in bed and do the waaay too typical arms up girly squee thing and that’s…Dad got me a hot fudge sundae from Dairy Queen.

We eat and watch Stardust on my laptop since apparently it was in the DVD drive as if that wasn’t like telling and even the parents raised an eyebrow at that and made me blush and soon after that they have to head home with their actual RL stuff going on and everything like work and Dad has a long drive to go and get Nova…Uhm Kaitlyn tomorrow and me…well I start going through my laptop trying to figure out just exactly what Shawn was like and where Sarah was hiding in all of the stuff here.

It’s thanks to password saves on my Firefox that I get into Shawn’s Facebook and E-mails.

Oh…that was a mistake.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 17

*Before…

We eat and watch Stardust on my laptop since apparently it was in the DVD drive as if that wasn’t like telling and even the parents raised an eyebrow at that and made me blush and soon after that they have to head home with their actual RL stuff going on and everything like work and Dad has a long drive to go and get Nova…Uhm Kaitlyn tomorrow and me…well I start going through my laptop trying to figure out just exactly what Shawn was like and where Sarah was hiding in all of the stuff here.

It’s thanks to password saves on my Firefox that I get into Shawn’s Facebook and E-mails.

Oh…that was a mistake.

*And Now…

You’d think that there’d be some kind of excitement seeing everything that I was but there was also trepidation. So it was a little bit shaky but with too much curiosity that I log in and check everything.

My e-mail’s full of junk and that’s no problem really until I get through some of the spammy stuff and then I get to the gross stuff.

It’s recent stuff.

[Fuking tranny, I hope you die.]

[Die in a fire freak.]

[What happened you blow the guys and have an accident.]

[Dickeater.]

[Tranny] that’s like 12 of them just that.

[Don’t come back freak.]

[You’re not coming back to school! We’ll fight it!]

Fight it? Why?

What did I do?

Part of me wants to hit the delete but there’s part of me that sort of knows better and I save them instead. There’s laws against cyber bullying and stuff and there’s a whole lot of crap that these people will do and like keep doing unless they’re stopped.

“Eeew…fuck!” I open a picture file to see someone sent me dick pics.

[Tasty homo?]

Eeew, eeew, just frigging Eeew…!

There’s like eight of them too…I didn’t want to really look but I looked…because I had an idea…and yeah…they all looked different.

So a bunch of guys wiling to send me dick pics.

That’s…that’s really likely a bunch of dudes that hang out together…

Word has apparently gotten out about me being trans.

Then I check Shawn’s Facebook.

Well for the most part it’s boring, Shawn had books and movies in the likes lists and there’s this odd thing that I remember that stuff and there several memorial like things shared for me and the accident and stuff from friends.

There is a lot of nice things from people Not from home but from my friends from other places and some from like other students but nothing really all that personal like the kind of stuff that you’d get from kids that know you but aren’t friends and you’re sick.

But there’s not a lot of local friends.

There’s not a lot of trans stuff either but anything that’s really neutral LGBT+ supporting stuff I had on there and supported it and a lot of human rights things too.

I had a lot of bands on there and links to music, bands, videos and even instruments.

I see a lot of undercover Sarah there.

Lots of girl bands. Joan Jett, Hunter Valentine, Heart, Vixen, Pink, Biff Naked, Gwen Stefani, Allanis and Evanescence.

Okay apparently I’m a rocker.

There’s a bit of anti-trans dodgy stuff that was shared to my page from others like the bathroom streaking scandal with that Toronto paper and some inks to blogs that have been shared that are like anti-trans rants and stuff from Blogger but Wordpress and well Tumblr of course too. Wordpress is the 4Chan of Radfems from stuff I’ve seen…things that I know.

It’s kind of disheartening though that there stuff like this purposefully being shared by people so that it shows up in my news feed.

It’s all girl too…all a lot of stuff in the vein of the stupid bathroom stuff and locker rooms stuff.

‘Trans Ideology’ Stuff…Ideology?

Here’s my ideology, I look in a mirror or take a shower, roll over and feel it touching in that flopping not should be there way and it feels wrong.

I feel wrong.

And then…then I’m literally feeling wrong.

Triggered and it’s all making me cry as I’m reading stuff like…

Shawna Mathews …Trans* ideology reinforces the gender hierarchy and patriarchy, having this reinforced is in the interest of the powerful men, and men recognize this. Simply put it has been embraced because it caters to securing the interests of the powerful (cis men, who are on the top of the gender hierarchy and want to stay on top). They recognize what is in their "best interest" for securing and reinforcing their power and trans* ideology is indeed useful to them in that way. When the rich and powerful embrace you, by extension you will quickly gain power and influence, so the transactivists have quickly been given power and influence by the powerful. You can look at it like they are functioning essentially a lobby group for the patriarchy. Is it surprising that ( essentially a) lobby group for the powerful has quickly gained a loud voice.

 Jennifer Blake… That's a great point that they did tie themselves to the LGB movement and preyed on LGB sympathies/kind heartedness for people who are different. But they don’t care about being with us, it’s all for the T and fuck everyone else especially Lesbians.

Jane Minx …If transwomen don't like how hard it is to be a woman, then guess what? Take off your dresses, put on a business suit, and go run the fucking world.

Shawna Mathews ….Transphobia is always worse than homophobia right? Homophobia as a recognized oppression is being erased. In the hierarchy lesbian/gay/bisexual people apparently no longer REALLY suffer oppression. Trans* people apparently have it so much harder (and frankly there is a double meaning to this: since many gay/lesbian kids are being preyed upon) so lesbians should just shut up. Much that passes for transphobia is actually homophobia.

There’s more but it’s all sort of like that with things that are cropping up like…There’s no one naming me, they don’t actually say it but there’s no mistake on who they’re talking about.

Jane Minx… They’ll want in, they’ll want into the bathrooms and invading the one place at school where we can get space from the guyz.

Shawna Mathews… He’ll be peeing, great we’ll hear that sound.

Jennifer Blake… Looking at us, staring.

Jane Minx… I’m not doing it, there’ll be friggin hell to pay. I’m not getting eye raped and policed in my safe spaces.

Shawna Mathews… Not getting on any of the squads, slapping on a dress and make-up doesn’t mean that you can just walk on the teams and steal a place belonging to a real girl.

Real girl…

It’s all I can do to push my laptop closed and put it on the wheelie tray before it swamps me and I’m crying. Bawling even because it’s true even if it’s sort of not true and I…

I FEEL SO EFFING FAKE….!

Even curled on my side it’s there….even in the underpants and restrained.

But feeling my face…that face that’s sort of not quite right in my hands…the hair…it feels wrong, right down to my cells I’m feeling so wrong, so very, very effing wrong.

Choking on the wrong.

I pull the covers over me and the pillow too over my face to absorb the sobs and the shakes.

I really can’t even articulate how invalid as a person I feel.

Honestly…alien.

I don’t even feel like I’m human.

I cry myself to sleep.

Even with not being able to remember things crying myself to sleep is getting really effing old.

I kind of have dreams and they’re not good ones. I’m at a school…it could be mine but I don’t know. There’s people there and they’re being…girls getting in my way, not letting me pee.

I’m wearing a wig that some guys steal and toss in the garbage.

I’m wearing waaay too much make-up like I’m doing drag every time I see my reflection.

I’m in a really fugly dress…the whole nightmare stereotype.

I find bad note in my locker, dick pics in my books….the teachers sneer and just toss them in the garbage.

Some say. “You wanted to be a girl, you asked for this.”

Pushed by kids, crowded by kids in the halls, poked…pinched…then grabbed there…there over and over and I can’t get my arms to where I can defend myself.

The feeing makes me feel bad, bad down there…violated…touched…sick.

That’s what wakes me up.

I roll out of my bed as best as I can and get to the bathroom and I’m sick…it’s that sick that feels like it’s coming right up from my toxic crotch through my insides and it’s this bundle of toxic energy that I end up throwing up and out over and over until I’m doing the dry heaves between crying.

I get undressed there on my knees and reach over and flush the toilet and slowly get to my feet and I don’t look at myself in the mirror but I step into the shower and grab the body wash and the puff and start washing.

I keep the panties on.

Just no…I can’t deal with that right now.

Really hot water…then trying to wash Shawn off.

Trying to wash the nightmare off of me.

Getting mad.

Crying some more.

Getting madder still.

I punch the shower wall.

“Ow!…Ow, ow, holy effing ow…” I’m shaking my hand and biting at my lip from saying things louder or worse. There’s a concrete wall under the tiles apparently.

Derp.

Oddly the pain, venting and swearing seems to sort of helped get me out of the spiraling dysphoria stuff. Well that and I think I’m cried out. Honestly in the last while since being awake I feel like I’ve cried an entire lifetime’s worth of stuff.

So much likely Shaun never couldn’t.

And now…now I have what happens after a girl is done crying.

I’m hurt.

I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I get out of the shower and I dry off and glare at myself a few moments in the mirror before going and getting my things, dry underwear and change and dry there…eyes hard…jaw clenched through that.

Then I get my tablet and start playing tunes…Pink…angry stuff girl power kind of stuff and I start looking at myself in the mirror and take out my make-up and with a breath and leaning on the sink gripping it in a sort of eff-you to all of them I start doing my face.

“Fuck you…fuck you all (Angry sniffle.) I’m going to be who I am…and you’ll have to just deal with it.”

I’m going to do this, and keep doing this until I’m good at it, better than good at it.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 18

*Before…

And now…now I have what happens after a girl is done crying.

I’m hurt.

I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I get out of the shower and I dry off and glare at myself a few moments in the mirror before going and getting my things, dry underwear and change and dry there…eyes hard…jaw clenched through that.

Then I get my tablet and start playing tunes…Pink…angry stuff girl power kind of stuff and I start looking at myself in the mirror and take out my make-up and with a breath and leaning on the sink gripping it in a sort of eff-you to all of them I start doing my face.

“Fuck you…fuck you all (Angry sniffle.) I’m going to be who I am…and you’ll have to just deal with it.”

I’m going to do this, and keep doing this until I’m good at it, better than good at it.

*And Now…

*So What* By Pink and I’m singing along with her all full of that mirror feels.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na…
Na na na na na na na na na na na na…

I guess I just lost my husband… (Me…I change it to “old self!” )
I don't know where he went,
So I'm gonna drink my money,
I'm not gonna pay his rent (nope),
I got a brand new attitude and
I'm gonna wear it tonight,
I wanna get in trouble…
I wanna start a fight!

Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight!
Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight!

[Chorus:]

So, so what
I'm still a rock star!
I got my rock moves...
And I don't need you!

And guess what..?
I'm having more fun!
And now that we’re done…
I'm gonna show you tonight!

I'm alright..
I'm just fine…
And you're a tool…

So, so what,
I am a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight!

It‘s a perfect song for the way that I‘m feeling all hurt and angry yet excited angry and kind of calm…fighting calm…but not a fist…no way would I ever give them the satisfriking-faction.

They don’t deserve my anger like that, they’re not getting my best…I’m getting my best.

I listen some more songs wiping off face after face and doing a brand new one and going for something different. But real, I’m not going to look like that.

Sarah…

God…really *Fu#Kin Perfect* By Pink right now is so much my jam right now. It sings to stuff going off in my head and in my heart too. I mean there’s this whole thing about the lyrics in that song that has this…

Me being me no matter what anyone says, what they try to do to shove us…shove me down.

Okay, really I’m not like all agro just hurt and pissed.

And I’m pretty much trying to learn and do and get it right.

I want to kind of shove the silence they’ll have when then can’t say anything about how I look down their throats. Shawna, Jane, Jennifer…I want to see them not even have a clue.

I don’t want to watch anyone.

I don’t stand to pee…like holding and standing and…how the heck do they think I can deal with the sound either?

Hell nope.

I don’t play sports, Shawn from what I seen didn’t play sports and I have no urge to cheer.

You know what I want to play?

Guitar.

I wanna do something with music.

Train my voice, do a little Laura Jane Grace.

Angel Benton, Amy Lee, Pink, Annie Lennox…I love the way she looks.

If there’s a short haired girl look, sexy too and that voice that honestly has a ‘could’ be depth to it.

I wipe it all off again and hot water to release my pores then the wipes and they have that pore tightening stuff in them and I give it a few. Get my tablet and watch a couple You Tube make-up tutorials as I’m sitting on the toilet resting my back.

I look in the mirror. “I just want to be the girl in the hoody and the earphones with some decent eyeliner skills.”

I tilt my head. “Vain?”

“I dunno.”

“Well, talking to yourself definitely doesn’t help girl.”

Girl.

Me…yeah me… LOL I chuckle at my little Joan Jett bit.

I get up and start again. One more time sort of swaying side to side a little and singing the mostly wrong lyrics to *I Love Rock and Roll.* By Joan Jett.

Y’know she’s like trans friendly? I don’t know but I like just know. It’s definitely more Sarah stuff that’s there like just there.

I’m glad it’s there though, even with all this stuff, with all their bullshit aimed at me and all the things that people just…I’m good with Sarah, I want to be me…I just can’t really feel there’s any other option that isn’t like going to be horribly wrong.

I get the foundation down in a better blended coat. “There’s an aspiration not to feel like I’m living everything horribly wrong.”

I work it out some more even coating going with the grain of the face, there is such a thing too once I learned of it on a video. It’s like the way your pores seem to go you want to blend it all out to almost a fade and if you have a contrast between the foundation and your skin then you really, really should get something else.

Failing that try to blend it or diffuse the difference with powder.

Then there’s my lips, and I’m just trying to get that shaded but almost not quite wearing color look, I really, really am trying to not even get close to the whole in drag look.

And then my eyes.

That’s actually the hardest and it’s sort of the most telling kind of sort of thing really the right bit of eye shadow and eyeliner and mascara done right makes the eyes really look…right.

Not even like sexy but just sort of right. And no I honestly don’t care about the whole ranty sort of subject about how a girl doesn’t need to wear make-up. It’s my face; it’s something that makes me feel better when I look at myself.

It takes a little bit of doing and a steady hand but I think this time the job that I did actually looks good, I look good.

Not too overdone but just…well normal, I think.

Normal’s good.

I sit there and I look at myself for a while and then some more and then some more and then I take my stuff and try and fix my hair going for that sleek Annie Lennox short haired look and then I play around and I take some selfies.

And it might be seen as for something like for sympathy but I take a shot after that of the scars on my back and I even mess my hair up but I take shots of the surgical scars for my head too…and most of my other scars.

They’re going to go up on my Facebook.

A sort of Eff you see I actually was really hurt.

Because y’know some people unless they really know you like up close and stuff it doesn’t matter what happens to you if they think they have some reason to not like you they will. If they think that you’re bullshitting you are.

I wipe and wash off my face and by the time I’m done that my back is ready for my bed and I slip back in and I get my laptop and get back online.

I make sure all the nasty crap is saved and that it’s screen capped because well you really never know when I’m going to need it to call someone out on their stuff and I get a drink of ice water and I start to work at building a new Facebook page, Sarah’s Facebook page and Sarah’s e-mail and I put up my pictures and I put up my background of the stuff that happen and my diagnosis with like my aphasia and things and then I start in on Shawn’s Facebook.

I’m looking for people that I might still want to be friends with…And I even do a status update just to let all of them know.

“Hey everyone, I’m awake. But some of you might have heard that by now or it kind of looks that way. I’d like to thank everyone that sent cards and well wishes for me and my family we really appreciate it and it was really kind of you.”

“But you might have heard things too. I know there are lots of rumors flying around about me and I’m still not sure of all of them so I’m doing this status update for everyone.”

“I had brain damage, have brain damage. There’s a lot to work out for a long time from what I’m hearing from my doctors.”

“I have some really bad damage to my back and I’ve so far some pretty big issues with my memory. If I’m not contacting some of you then it’s just honestly that I literally don’t know that I should. There’s a lot of stuff, a lot of memories just gone.”

“But with stuff being gone was me pretending to be someone and something that I’m not.”

“Yes, if that’s the rumors that you’ve been hearing then it’s true. I’m transgender. I always have been but with most of everything that was Shawn kind of broken and gone now there was all of this stuff that I was hiding from all of you and my family and yeah really likely myself.”

“I guess that’s it, I’ll be around for a while on this account but I’m starting things over. I need to just so I can have a clear break from a past that I can’t really find or feel and to kind of get on with my life.”

“I’m disabling my PM’s though so anyone who wants to talk to me will have to do it in public. I think that there are enough people who might guess as to why.”

“Again thanks for all that you all have done and please do feel free to comment or to contact me. I’ll be around for a while yet until I get stuff in order.”

“~Sarah.”

Well that’s done.

I go back to looking through my Facebook and going through old posts and shares and even looking into the accounts of the people that I have on my friends lists and what they’ve been acting like or saying and stuff.

Maybe there’s some people that I can talk to, some that might talk to me.

But those other three…they’re not friend so yeah…Blocking…Banhammer time.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 19

*Before…

“Yes, if that’s the rumors that you’ve been hearing then it’s true. I’m transgender. I always have been but with most of everything that was Shawn kind of broken and gone now there was all of this stuff that I was hiding from all of you and my family and yeah really likely myself.”

Well that’s done.

I go back to looking through my Facebook and going through old posts and shares and even looking into the accounts of the people that I have on my friends lists and what they’ve been acting like or saying and stuff.

Maybe there’s some people that I can talk to, some that might talk to me.

But those other three…they’re not friends so yeah…Blocking…Banhammer time.

*And Now…

There’s a lot of things that I’m finding on my Facebook and the first thing is that I…that Shawn didn’t have a whole lot of friends that were from here that were on his friends list.

And that secondly it didn’t take long for my status update to hit the walls of people that respond.

Jo-Beth Long… So you’re like Jazz?

Danny Singer… Cool, it’s about time we had people stop hiding out and pretending in this town.

Me… Well I think I was in hiding and I wasn’t coming out and stuff. But right now it’s all gone.

Jo-Beth Long… Really?

Me… Yeah, I didn’t even recognize my parents.

Danny Singer… Whoa dude.

Danny Singer… Sorry didn’t mean dude like dude.

Me… It’s okay I kinda figured that.

Jo-Beth Long… Yeah there’s going to be a lot of people that are going to be shitty about this.

Me… I kind of gathered that. I’ve been wondering about things with my old life and school. It’s hard to put things together from things here. I’ve been wanting to find out what Shawn was like, who my friends were.

Danny Singer…I’m in the other class but you were okay.

Jo-Beth Long… Yeah kinda cute but kinda quiet too.

Me… Cute? *Blushing*

Jo-Beth Long… Actually yeah in that sort of skinny grungy way.

Me… Grungy? I didn’t wash?

Jo-Beth Long… LOL no, but you had like that mop of messy hair like in your eyes and stuff like those old grunge rockers and you wore like old jeans and old sneakers and hoodies and like baggy way big army jackets.

Me… Wow I kind of sound anti-social.

Danny Singer… No you like talked to people but you hung out with those three guys mostly that you were in the accident with.

Me… So not a lot of friends then, I wasn’t dating anyone?

Jo-Beth Long… No not that we like knew about, you were kind of just there most of the time.

Danny Singer… Holly Johnston, I used to see you hanging out with her sometimes.

I stop and I do a friends search for her name and I don’t find her there. (Frowns)

Me…I can’t find her on my page, who is she?

Jo-Beth Long… She’s one of the metal head punker kids.

Me… Huh?

Jo-Beth Long… Y’know kinda goth but less black and more like army boots and stuff shaved sides of her head and her hair always changing color and like a ton of piercings.

Me… Is there something wrong with that?

Danny Singer… I don’t think she’s on Facebook.

Me… Oh.

Jo-Beth Long… No but well she’s got like a rep for like being one of those kinds of girls.

Me…What kind of girls?

Jo-Beth Long… Lesbian or like y’know like the whole term for super not a version and drinking and smoking and drugs.

Danny Singer… I seen her drink before and smoke but heck I do that every once in a while.

Jo-Beth Long… Danny! Really you’re only like sixteen.

Danny Singer… Yeah and I’m no Angel it’s not like I go out and get ripped every weekend but yeah.

Me… I don’t think that I smoke, I haven’t had a craving and I’ve smelled the ciggy smoke from the people outside smoking when I’ve been in the lobby and it like didn’t set off any cravings.

Jo-Beth Long… Good Bleech.

Danny Singer…Sounds like you didn’t or like didn’t often.

Me…I have no idea if I drank or not other than they said none of us had any drugs or alcohol in our systems in the accident.

Danny Singer… yeah we heard that in the papers and stuff and the news like back when it happened.

Me… I still really don’t know what happened, I had a PTSD flashback in that scan coffin thingy and that was like the car rolling and a lot of blood.

Jo-Beth Long… Oh fuck you okay?”

Me… Oh no way not by a long shot.

Danny Singer… Good, seriously admitting stuff like that’s a good thing I think.

Me… I don’t think I really have a choice in that. I mean I was feeling all these trans feelings and stuff but kept my mouth shut because it was really freaking me out and stuff but I kind of outed myself in the scan coffin thing.

Adam Keeler… Glad you’re awake.

Me… Uhm do I know you too?

Adam Keeler… sort of you helped me out with Max Wilson.

Me… I don’t know who that is?

Danny singer… Bully, Serious Neanderhole.

Me… Me…Bully I stood up to a bully?

Adam Keeler… Uhm yeah I’m kinda not the fighter type.

Jo-Beth Long… DPS Hunter?

Adam Keeler… LOL not even, Gnome Warrior with no PVP gear.

Danny Singer… *Snerk* Max smells like a Trollic orgy.

Me… Eeeww…so what did I do Adam?

Adam Keeler… You got in his face when he was going to thrash me and you literally were like right in his face staring up at him and almost like you were daring him to hit you or something it was kind of scary. I mean you and like no offence you were like kind of scary.

Me… Uhm…wow…I mean that sort of doesn’t feel like it sounds like me. I’ve been sort of a wreck ever since all of this stuff happening with me coming out and everything.

Jo-Beth Long… Death wish?

Danny Singer… Actually you might have. I mean I’ve heard like a lot of people who go through the trans stuff do dangerous stuff, it’s like a kind of cutting thing with the pain or the rush making you feel something else or like why there’s like some of them in like the army and stuff.

Me… That…That I could see. You kind of know stuff about this Danny?

Danny Singer… Yeah kind of, just stuff I’ve sort of like read and all.

Me…Why read up on any of it?

Danny Singer… Because I know some other trans people online and stuff.

Me… Well that’s pretty cool for me thanks.

Danny Singer… NP like I said it’ll be cool to actually have someone being real in school for a change.

Me… Can I ask though both you and Jo-Beth how we’re connected?

Danny Singer…Just school we went to elementary together and stuff so it was just kind of a mutual FB Like not like we ever did hang out together.

Me…Oh…Well we could change that maybe, I mean if you like.

Danny Singer…Sure, I’ll come over and see you after school tomorrow?

Me…Sounds good you can meet Kaitlyn.

Danny Singer… Kaitlyn?

Me…Another friend who’s coming over from Kitchener.

Jo-Beth Long…Cool can I come over and visit too?

Me…Okay sure.

Jo-Beth Long… Uhm we just kind of knew each other from class but not really we’re kind of like you and Danny just sort of FB friends like because and stuff.

Me… That’s okay you’re like talking to me and stuff now.

Adam Keeler… I can’t come if I’m like invited I have to work.

Me…Work?

Adam Keeler… It’s Saturday I work over at the Bakery on McAddams Street.

Me…I don’t know where that is?

Jo-Beth Long… Oh they do serious nommingful things there.

Me…Really, that sucks I’m still not really on solids yet.

Jo-Beth Long… Eeew, sorry that sounds sucky.

Me…It is Dad helps with like really good soups and stuff but I’m dying for a burger.

Adam Keeler… When you’re on solids I’ll bring you some food.

Me… Yay! *Happy butt dancing in bed.*

Adam Keeler… You’re in bed?

Me… My back, I’m only good upright for so long with all the damage. They’re saying I’ll be doing physiotherapy for a long time and I’ll never be like back to real normal.

Danny Singer… Sucks *Gentle Hugs*

Adam Keeler… *Waits in line and then hugs.*

Jo-Beth Long…*Pushes boys out of the way and hugs.*

Me… *Blushing.* You guyz rock.

Danny Singer…Naturally, you want me to try and see if I can get ahold of Holly?

Me… Please?

Danny Singer…NP I’ll log back on once I get in touch with her.

Me…Okay, I’ll seen you all soon? I kind of got to go I’m kinda of fading on you and stuff.

Danny Singer… Okay Nighters.

Adam Keeler…Okay I gotta crash too really early hours and stuff.

Jo-Beth Long…Night guys I’ll talk to you later I’m going to go raid.

They all kind of are gone after that and I’m kind of just sitting there wiping the odd tear leaking out of kind of like relief. There’s some more answers and there’s people that kind of sort of know me and stuff but more importantly they want to know me.

Sarah me…Well I think I mean that they mean me; the whole thing was on Shawn’s page and all.

And Adam…wow…Shawn stood at least for something.

I really can’t like see me being brave though, crazing and wanting to get hurt maybe but brave?

Though it’s kind of nice to know that Shawn wasn’t like an ass to people.

And I am tired…and tomorrow is likely going to be a busy day and things.

I wipe at my eyes again and power down and close my laptop and try and get comfortable and get some sleep before Mom or the staff show up for stuff tomorrow.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 20

*Before…

They all kind of are gone after that and I’m kind of just sitting there wiping the odd tear leaking out of kind of like relief. There’s some more answers and there’s people that kind of sort of know me and stuff but more importantly they want to know me.
Sarah me…Well I think I mean that they mean me; the whole thing was on Shawn’s page and all.
And Adam…wow…Shawn stood at least for something.
I really can’t like see me being brave though, crazing and wanting to get hurt maybe but brave?
Though it’s kind of nice to know that Shawn wasn’t like an ass to people.
And I am tired…and tomorrow is likely going to be a busy day and things.
I wipe at my eyes again and power down and close my laptop and try and get comfortable and get some sleep before Mom or the staff show up for stuff tomorrow.

*And Now…

It’s the smell of food that wakes me up, well what sort of passes for food in their opinion but it’s the smell of the little thingy of brown sugar that wakes me most. I don’t think I’m really a sweets person but there are certain things that I know that I like the smells of that invoke a thing.

Smell Umami.

And the smell of hot porridge with brown sugar getting melty and warm from it is one of those things.

I’m kind stiff from last night and I’m more than a little blurry and bleary and I do manage to sit up and get comfortable as the food service people bring me more cream of wallpaper paste and there’s a really, really softly scrambled egg that kind of looks closer to runny and there’s applesauce and milk and coffee.

I thank her and sniff the coffee with a bit of contempt.

It’s that packeted stuff that’s decaf and it’s pretty weal even for decaf and it’s just….I’m not coffee snob Tim Horton’s will do just fine or heck at this point corner store coffee that’s been going for like hours.

Yay hospital life.

And food.

As bad as the food is I do eat it and the eggs wouldn’t have been utterly bad if I could have had a slice of toast or something to go with it but nope not yet. The eggs are sort of the closest thing that they want to give me right now.

It’s been a couple of days… it kind of feels like I’m on a sort of baby food diet.

Or I’m suddenly a senior patient that got sent here from the home and they forgot to send my teeth along with me.

Okay that’s funny not funny, it’s a small hospital here and like a lot of them there’s a lot of people that are seniors that need care that are dumped off more or less as the stop-gap thing between getting into nursing homes.

I’m seeing a lot more of the harder side of older folks I think. I’m going to try and remember that kind of thing. I mean I sort of want to do something like that.

But the food is still really bleech.

They come about an half an hour after that and take the tray away and I thank them and that’s just kind of the right thing to do I guess since I doubt that they get a whole lot of thanks from people sometimes and I get up and use the bathroom and wash my face as partly a way to wake up more than getting ready for doing make-up or anything and then I go back to bed but not to sleep but more to have a place to sit with my laptop while I log in again and I look over my E-mails and Facebook things and there’s a few more okay comments and stuff rom people that I don’t know it’s really just more Likes than anything else and I actually spend time looking up my new friends.

Jo-Beth Long’s picture on her Facebook page shows a girl with long brown hair in those loose side pig-tails and big round framed dark glasses that look good on her. She’s a bigger girl not like tall looking but heavy bigger but still really cute and she’s seems to like sweaters and animals she really likes dogs and has a lot of those puppy meme pictures and she’s kind of a geekette too with some gamer memes mostly World of Warcraft and a few Whovian ones too.

And food, well recipes and stuff and clothes too. I kind of like it she doesn’t seem to be shy in things that she likes and she does a lot of “Droolz” comments and “Pretty!” ones too and that’s cool.

Trust me I think I’m getting to be a bit of an authority on being or learning to be okay with stuff that you like and being open about it.

Danny Singer’s page is a kind of the guy version of that and he’s a dark haired guy with long hair and his profile pic has him in a Slayer t-shirt doing those devil horns things and he’s…well he’s sort of interesting.

No not like that but there’s less booby girl pictures and memes on there than I’d have thought and there’s a lot of music stuff and bands and he and Shawn share a few likes in those things. That’s a good sign though he’s way more into metal than me and has band links there that I have like no clue as to who they are.

I still watch a few of the posted videos though more to give me an idea of the music and stuff that he likes and him.

He’s also pretty much into BMX and mountain biking and a lot of outdoors stuff and he posts a lot of pictures of him doing things like that with his Dad and Uncles and cousins. There’s a lot of him in dirt pictures and a few pictures of his injuries.

He seems pretty fun though I’m not too sure about some of the hunting stuff he posts that he’s done and stuff.

I know, I know I seem like such a girl about all of that stuff but I think it might honestly be more a me being a town kind of person and stuff.

It just sort of seems outside of my feelings that I have about like my comfort zones.

And then there’s Adam Keeler… Adam’s picture is almost what I’d been expecting but not. I mean I didn’t know what he’d look like but the kind of kid that gets bullied and sounds like a geek well I had a mental image in mind and Adam’s reality kind of fits it.

He’s black haired and it’s cut with a bit of normal like length in the middle and front and top of his head but he has a shave on either side of his head. Nerdy-chique glasses and he’s wearing cargo pants in the pic and a very oversized shirt from that super hero with the big lightning bolt, not the flash but the other guy…the one that’s sort of like Superman.

And he’s got serious fan stuff going on with his page and pictures from AnimeCon in Boston? And something called Toronto Fan Expo and they’re definitely the gamer and dungeons and dragons sort of crowds I guess and science fiction stuff too.

Okay lots of pictures and he’s in costumes and things too.

It’s kind of really odd and cute.

I mean I know I’m kind of a geekette from some of the things I was posting on Shawn’s page and especially on My LJ but I’m a bit more into stuff like books and shows and movies than a whole lot of this kind of thing, though Fenn and PK are into the comics and stuff from their posts and PK is into Harley Quinn a lot.

The pictures are still kind of awesome to me because I get to see what he’s into and that he actually goes out and does those things and that he has a good time. I think it’s cool that he’s doing that.

Okay he’s got a lot of Star trek and Star Wars things on his page with meme’s and stuff and he’s a huge bookworm and a movie buff too. Lots of Lord of the rings memes and there’s a couple of you tube videos that have me laughing and giggling especially “Taters”

I like some of the other pictures too that are of him at the bakery in the whites doing stuff and that were taken and posted by Mallory Keeler his mom from the comments and then there’s some of the really awesome stuff that they’ve made there.

A little part of me groans at the pictures of the baked goods and especially the cupcakes, they make specialty cupcakes from the look of them and to order ones as well sort of like ordering a cake.

He likes a lot of the same music as me with then lighter stuff like ‘Fun’ and ‘Great Big Sea’, ‘Hedley’, ‘Simply Red’ and others actually he has this whole thing with a whole lot of Canadian bands. And a whole bit on how that’s all he plays for music on Canada day.

I’m kind of still just looking between the tabs for Facebook and those for my Live Journal and still playing catch up when my Mom shows up with Dr. Johansen. I look up kind of surprised…

“Hey Mom, Doc uhm why are you here it’s Saturday?”

“I’m here to have a mini-session with you Sarah I said I wanted to see you every day until you’re released.”

“Oh I thought that you didn’t work weekends.”

“Well it’s considered rounds; I do see other people here too.”

“Oh…” Okay I kind of feel a bit Derpy but I suppose that there is patients here that she’d see. Okay yeah considering the amount of people that get depressed in hospitals and the like I can actually really see it.

Mom passes me a Tim’s coffee and I take it thankfully. “How was your night?”

“Touch and go, I had like a lot of trigger stuff that went on and then I kind of got over that stuff and started trying to be proactive.”

Mom looks at me. “Trigger stuff?”

I bring up the stuff on my computer and the things that I saved and stuff and show it to them both. Mom looks red faced and not embarrassed but like she’s really, really pissed off and Doctor Johansson looks at me. “So how do you feel about this?”

“I’m hurt and pissed honestly I don’t know these people I don’t have to take this stuff right?’

Mom… “Hell no.”

Doctor Johansson… “Absolutely not there’s no excuse for this kind of thing and I see far too much of it. You have these things saved?”

“Saved and with screen caps.”

“You want the authorities involved?”

I look at them both and honestly part of me doesn’t because there’s that whole sort of thing that bullying and people just talking crap shouldn’t involve the cops but at the same time there’s the fact that bullying hurts and bullying kills sometimes and even if they don’t do anything more with or to me the fact remains if I don’t do anything and I just take it then they think that they can do this to other people.

And like screw that. “Yeah, because if they’re doing this to me then who else?”

Doctor Johansson looks at us both. “Then I’ll make the call right now.”

Mom’s like… “The police?”

She shakes her head. “Not just them but the RCMP too, I work with mostly teens and young adults and we see a lot of this and the laws are pretty strict about cyberbullying now and if this stuff isn’t met head on and nipped in the bud it can turn very, very ugly once these characters pick up steam.”

I nod and wipe at a little bit of moisture around my eyes. That makes sense too I never thought just how bad stuff like this could snowball. I’ve seen enough hate online that’s just general bullcrap to imagine if some of those people thought of a specific target that they could get away with all of this hateful stuff.

I get some eye and lump in my throat relief by taking a few good drinks of my coffee and it does help and all.

Mom looks at me and I bite my lip a little. “Sorry for being a royal pain Mom.”

“Oh Sarah you’re not. Are you sure that you’re going to be okay?”

I nod. “I think so, I mean other than these neanderholes all the other stuff as it kind of turns out…Shawn…Shawn wasn’t really all that outgoing and stuff, he wasn’t really a jerkface but I…he…well we weren’t really a social animal.”

Mom nods and she reaches out and runs her fingers through my hair. “Goes with transition a lot I’m afraid, or from the stuff that I have read.”

“I still got to go through with it Mom, I have too it’s the only me that is actually real.”

She pulls me into a hug. “Yeah I know honey.”

We stay like that for a while and then Dr. Johansson comes back into my room. “Well they’ll be along as fast as they can so we just have to wait.”

And that’s what we actually end up doing and talking about Jo-Beth and Danny and Andy and how it felt talking to them and how things sort of had me feeling relieved over all the pent up angst over not knowing.

It’s not that long or it doesn’t seem that long before a police officer and an RCMP officer shows and we talk. It’s kind of a rehash of the things going on and the police officer is taking notes while the RCMP officer is asking me the questions and talking me though things and he knows his stuff like about computers but the stuff on social media too.

I never thought that I’d hear an RCMP officer use terms like “Trolling” and “Creeping.”

It’s pretty impressive too when he leaves and comes back with an RCMP laptop that’s just a black IBM with like official stickers on it but still. I get to see them copy the stuff I saved and do some kind of authorization thing that confirms like the time I saved them on my computer and then he has a tablet he plugs in with a report thing that I get to sign with one of those on tablet pen things.

It was sort of scary dealing with them and at the same time it was just all sorts of cool.

He has Mom sign the stuff for charges to be pressed if and when they can and he leaves with the police officer.

The town police officer was kind of quiet, I’m not sure what he was thinking or if it was like about me or me being trans or not. I really couldn’t tell and I don’t know if that’s just me in my head or it’s just a police thing.

I sigh and double hand hold my coffee as they’re done and Mom and Dr. Johansson are looking at me. “You want to go for a walk and clear out the ughs from all of this?”

I take a breath and a sip then nod. “I think so, okay lets go.”

Mom slips her arm around my back and we head out to do a few rounds round the hospital with her and my therapist.

Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 21

*Before…

It was sort of scary dealing with them and at the same time it was just all sorts of cool.

He has Mom sign the stuff for charges to be pressed if and when they can and he leaves with the police officer.

The town police officer was kind of quiet, I’m not sure what he was thinking or if it was like about me or me being trans or not. I really couldn’t tell and I don’t know if that’s just me in my head or it’s just a police thing.

I sigh and double hand hold my coffee as they’re done and Mom and Dr. Johansson are looking at me. “You want to go for a walk and clear out the ughs from all of this?”

I take a breath and a sip then nod. “I think so, okay let’s go.”

Mom slips her arm around my back and we head out to do a few rounds round the hospital with her and my therapist.

*And Now…

We don’t really say much the first part of the walk because well I don’t know maybe they were waiting for me to say something first and all of that so it’s quiet and sort of punctuated between sips of our coffees and then the odd comment about things like one of the plants in the atrium and how it’s pretty and then how nice it is outside which actually leads to us going outside and finishing our coffee’s out there sitting on a bench far enough away from the smokers so it’s not too smelly and gross.

“Well I’m definitely not a smoker.” I say.

Mom’s like. “Good.”

Doctor Johansson’s like. “Why do you say that?”

Me. “I’m not craving one by smelling it and it sort of comes across as kind of gross to me.”

They both nod and smile and Doctor Johansson says. “That’s good you’re making intuitive leaps like that, it’s a good sign.”

Me… “Of?”

“Recovery, it says that your brain is actively trying to heal itself and put things back together.”

Me… “Great…”

They’re both looking at me. Mom looks confused and the Dr. she just looks like she’s waiting.

I sigh and do the crossing my arms and hugging myself. “I’m scared of that, I’m scared that if it does happen and everything that Shawn will come back.”

The Dr. looks at me. “That’s perfectly valid Sarah I’d feel the same way I think but honestly I don’t think that’s going to happen. There’s really too much damage I think that’s been done with everything that happen so you might just get some of it back.”

I look at her. “Enough to make me not want to be Sarah? Because I can’t, I can’t hide like that anymore I can’t go back into some box in my closet piled under a ton of bullshit.” (Sniffle.)

Mom leans over and she does the one armed hug thing. “You won’t, I promise that you won’t honey…you’re…you’re my daughter and I have seen this whole other energy coming out of you that I haven’t seen in you before ever.”

She leans in and she does that forehead to forehead thing. “Nothing’s going to mess with my daughter.”

We hug and we’re both sniffling and doctor Johansson pulls out some tissues out of her purse with an amused smile. “Well that’s a very productive Saturday in my books I think we should finish our walk and I’ll leave you to your day.”

We nod and we’re using the tissues and we head out from the bench and we go down the rest of the block to the stop sign and then we walk back again and it is nice to get outside it’s spring too and just well enough into it that I can smell that green grass difference instead of that sort of soggy spring smells from wet ground. And there are a little clouds but it’s pretty much sunny outside and that feels good.

It’s really sort of my first time out in the open air and in the sunshine in a way.

I don’t know where I read it but I know that I read it and someone said once… “Sunshine cleans more than dirty linens.”

Which makes me smile because there’s this little something there like that…like I know what that, what clothes smell like off the clothesline.

Mom looks at me. “What’re you smiling about?”

Me… “We have a clothesline.”

Mom… “You remember that?”

Me… “Nope, not at all but it’s the air. I was thinking about how nice outside it was and everything and it reminded me of the smell of fresh clothes sort of.”

Dr. Johansson nods. “Sense memories are often our strongest ones. Like I said you’re making progress.”

Me… “Oh that’s really making me look forward to using the bathroom.”

Mom looks at me and then she makes a face. “Eww Sarah.”

I nod almost solemnly. “That’s not a Shawn memory that I want.”

Okay I actually make my doctor snerk a little and Mom well she rolls her eyes. It’s a little bit of fun and it kind of feels good to joke around and all that. It’s not too long though before we do another round of the first floor and then take the stairs to the third floor where I’m at.

By the time I’m done doing that though I’m a little achy, it’s not a big hospital but I’m still not used to being on my feet all that long and all. Though as bad as it is at the same time it’s not all that bad. We took our time and didn’t push it and when I finally get back to my room and get into bed my back is sore a lot but it’s not spasming.

Dr. Johansson leaves after she made some notes on my chart. “I’ll make notes for physio here of what you did and leave them an e-mail. Have a good day you two I’ve a few more patients to check in on.”

We both sort of wave goodbye and I lean back into the raised bed and sigh. “Okay that wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“Her and the therapy checkups or the RCMP and the police thing?”

“Both, I mean the policeman wasn’t really scary but he wasn’t really all that nice either it seems and well the whole therapy thing is still sort of scary but it’s like being that open just makes me feel scared and edgy.”

Mom nods. “It’ll take getting used to and the policeman I’m not sure if he was unfriendly or just try to do his job honey. There’s a lot of that cyber stuff that’s really not all that familiar to small town departments like ours so he just could’ve been letting the constable take the lead.”

“Okay, it’s just I’m still a little paranoid with the hate mail and the pictures.”

Mom makes a face. “I’ve heard that’s a thing with boys in your generation taking those pictures and sending them to girls.”

I nod. “Utter poopcandles the lot of them.”

She smiles a little at that and she asks what’s on the agenda and I look at her. “Make-up?”

She nods and I start up some of the tutorial videos and we both watch them and there’s a few times that Mom’s really into it and she’s got that oh…and a really look.

She actually doesn’t wear that much that I can see at all herself and she’s really pretty in her own way but it’s like she just though comes across as one of those women that doesn’t wear it that much, just the bare minimum more than likely and probably none at home.

“Mom?”

“Yeah Sarah?”

“This isn’t really your thing is it?”

“Well…honestly no. If I was going to wear stuff like that and learn from home and stuff I’d honestly look pretty bad. I never really was popular enough for it to matter in school.”

“Why popular?”

“Oh well only the cool girls really did that stuff and they kind of owned the mirrors in school. I mean the rest of us could use them and all but if we tried to do like make-up then we kind of got crap for it.”

“Crap?”

“All that whole peer pressure girl bullying critical stuff. Heck I did good enough not catch it a whole lot because my clothes were like thrift store stuff.”

“But thrift store stuff’s cool.”

“Not home, home when I was your age it was all who had what brand of stuff.”

“Oh…great I’m really not going to enjoy going back to school then or at least with that part.”

She actually grins. “Well I think we have you covered with all of that. There’s a pretty decent some of insurance money left over from the accident and we’ve been hanging onto it for things in case you woke up.”

“Oh…oh well that’s cool so like shopping?”

Shopping! Yay can I come too!?” I look up and I see this really tall girl with those long, long legs and long graceful arms and she’s got this really long straight black hair and brown eyes and she’s Asian…and she’s stunning.

“I…uhm…”

I see Dad coming in behind her and my brain actually kicks into gear.

“Kaitlyn?”

She grins and she does this ta-daa pose and I slide off of the bed and then we’re hugging.

I don’t know why we’re hugging having just like met each other but we are.

She’s strong too but she’s not really boyish, well okay she is sort of boyish she’s like me with a really small and flat chest and she’s not really hippy either. Y’know trans girl problems but it really works with her since she’s skinny and she’s…

“Wow, you’re so tall!”

She laughs. “Ohmigods that’s all I like every get!”

Gods…yep spoken like a gamer geekette. I grin at her and sit but move to make room and she sits with me. “I can imagine, wow you must be six feet tall.”

Kaitlyn nods. “Close five-eleven.”

“That’s tall for an…”

“Japanese person?” She raises an eyebrow.

“You’re Japanese I couldn’t tell.”

She grins. “Actually I’m Canadian but my grandparents are Japanese.”

I grin and blush. “Sorry.”

She laughs and it’s the most precious odd and funny thing she sort of has this braying like accent to her laugh. This kind of “hern, hern, hern’ sound instead of a “hah, hah, hah” sound. “Hey it’s okay I’m just messing with you.”

Like a girly version of Gomer Pile.

Which makes me Snerk.

And then we’re hugging again.

Mom takes Dad’s hand and she kisses him and she leads him out of my room and I look at Kaitlyn and she sort of blushes under the scrutiny and bites her lower lip a little and we sort of do that intense stare at each other thing before the tears are building up in my eyes and I start to cry and…

“Thank you, thank you for just like dropping your life and coming…” (Sniffle.)

She gives me that head tilty really light up the day kind of pretty smile and she reaches up and she thumbstrokes some of the tears that are starting away from my face.

I’m happy crying still some and just emotionally crying too and I’m shaking a little because I’ve never had anyone do that to me before and my brain’s in like good shock?

“You’re my friend Sarah of course I’d come.”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 22

*Before…

Mom takes Dad’s hand and she kisses him and she leads him out of my room and I look at Kaitlyn and she sort of blushes under the scrutiny and bites her lower lip a little and we sort of do that intense stare at each other thing before the tears are building up in my eyes and I start to cry and…

“Thank you, thank you for just like dropping your life and coming…” (Sniffle.)

She gives me that head tilty really light up the day kind of pretty smile and she reaches up and she thumbstrokes some of the tears that are starting away from my face.

I’m happy crying still some and just emotionally crying too and I’m shaking a little because I’ve never had anyone do that to me before and my brain’s in like good shock?

“You’re my friend Sarah of course I’d come.”

*And Now…

Oh my god… The lump in my throat from her saying that right now and coming here.

Huge, and it’s a great big hard balance right now to not burst into tears at something so close and amazing and just.

Then she ooof hugs me. That kind of hug that makes you go ooof.

I hug her back really hard and she makes this squeak sound and we both break the hug and look at each other and we start laughing. I really, really love that laugh. No not the like sexy liking the laugh but Kaitlyn’s laugh is one of those laughs that makes you want to laugh.

I look at her again. “Just wow, you look great y’know.”

“Yeaaah, I was meeting you I seriously stress primped.”

I mouth palm. “Crapola I should’ve been doing that I must look like…”

She takes my hand. “You look like a hospital patient, mind you a cute one.”

“Me?”

“Yeah You.”

I smile but blush. “Y’know you’re doing wonders for my self confidence right now.”

She smiles. “Good, like I said you’re my friend so yeah sooo my job.”

I grin. “I totally like your outfit.”

Seriously I do. Kaitlyn’s wearing skinny jeans and she’s got these black cute looking ankle boots on with a low heel but these just look good. Then she’s in this really cool looking sleek black rayon scoop necked sports shirt and a bomber jacket.

It’s a good look and those jeans so show off her legs and yeah I looked there’s nothing tell-tale there that can be seen.

She grins. “Yeah it’s really kind of coming together this year. I put on like fifteen pounds.”

“You gained weight and you’re happy?”

“Shaah…yeah, I was like a super, super twiggy person and stuff. If I like wasn’t a girl then I’d have like been super skinny until like my thirties like everyone else in my family. But not like with the hormones really kicking in and stuff I like finally got some butt and stuff.”

I nod. “I think I so get that because I really am going to be curve challenged. I so though don’t want to be slapping on all the guy bulk though.”

She looks me over. “You’re pretty good though you don’t have a whole lot started yet. Me I was already growing like nuts upwards at least before the doctors really too me seriously.”

“But you look great.”

“I look like I’m nearly six foot tall. But yeah it could’ve been a whole lot worse and you have something going on that will really help.”

“Huh?”

“Cool folks that really love you.”

(Sniffle.) “Yeah I know, they’re been really cool.”

“They nearly lost you and yeah they sort of had a few minutes of things where they didn’t get it.”

I sit back and wipe the rest of my eyes. “You talked to dad?”

Kaitlyn sits cross legged on my bed slipping off her boots. “Yeah we talked as we were driving over and he had breakfast with my folks first while I was packing my stuff. I like didn’t know they had planned it out so they could like do the whole like big long parental talk and stuff.”

“So what’d they talk about?”

“Mostly that this isn’t bullshit really and that being transgender is a real thing and it’s not a thing that comes out of brain damage.”

“He thought that?”

Kaitlyn looks at me. “No…but there’s that part of them all that really want to get an excuse something that they can grasp sometimes. He just wanted to know the real deal behind the trans stuff from like my parents perspective thing without like the stuff that the doctors had been saying more than anything else.”

I nod. (Sniffle-cough.) “Yeah okay I’d get that too I mean there’s stuff that a doctor just isn’t going to be able to share with him.”

Kaitlyn grins. “Totes, y’know half of the serious work with transition is like having to like take care of the parents.”

We both grin and laugh at that and we girlfist bump which was something that we got from our LJ stuff online because there’s always all this stuff that’s like that that guys do and that girls don’t get to do because of like bullshit reasons and it’s even like worse for like trans girls because we get like catch 33’d.

Catch 33 is like catch 22 but it’s more for like trans people because we get told that to be trans you have to look a certain way or act a certain way or you’re a liar. And way so much of the time when we do the stuff that they think that we should be doing because of their bullshit expectations we get told that we’re upholding things like the patriarchy.

Yeah that’s more of the gender war bullshit.

A war that like ninety percent of trans people never wanted any part of.

But yeah that’s where catch 33 comes from, it’s catch 22 for trans and queer folks.

Girlfist bumps are awesome.

I look at her. “So how long are you staying?”

“Dunno really the folks are coming over tomorrow to hang with your folks and the whole more checking each other out and stuff but likely until next Saturday at least.”

“Because you’re home schooled right?”

“Heck no, I’ve got like homework from Mom with an internet service we’re on.”

“Okay cool can I help?”

“Sure…bored?”

“Seriously bored. There is only so much net stuff and trying to re-read myself into existence.”

She looks at me. “Sorry?”

I wave it off. “Don’t worry about it Kaitlyn it’s just really tiring to try to feel myself out by clues about who I used to be and stuff.”

She looks like she’s thinking about that and then she nods and gets up and she goes and gets this big shoulder bag she must have brought in with her and takes out her laptop and it’s.

Okay it’s a Lenovo but it’s pretty recent looking but she as it covered with anime stuff and stickers so it’s like those gothy tattoo looking stickers and flowers and Powerpuff girls all around the edges with the center filled up with stuff like The Sailor Scouts and Samas and Rei Ayanami and of course stuff from Robotech. I do recognize some of the stuff and characters like Rei even if I never really watched/followed the mecha anime stuff.

It’s kinda just one of those things that comes with the kind of friends that I’ve been on LJ with.

“That’s pretty frakking cool.” I say because I’m actually impressed because she was careful and she did a really kick ass job with it and everything and it’s like geekette-fu level twenty plus easy.

She grins. “Yeah it was pretty cool, my dad had a fit with it at first because of resale but this is one I bought.”

“You bought?” Yikes coinage.

“Yeah it’s a rebuild I’ve a cousin that works for them and the rebuilt and recalled ones get sold like online for cheap. He got it for three hundred and fifty and sold it to me at cost as a birthday present.”

“Him not charging you profit was a present?”

She grins. “Yep, but he’s a really good guy he will do stuff sort of like that but as he says we’re only cousins. But seriously he’s never really gave anyone anything that was crap and he actually never talks down to me because I’m a girl or treat me different because I’m trans either.”

I nod. “Worth it.”

Seriously that’s really cool, no special treatment but a lot more importantly not getting treated differently.

I make room and she moves up beside me on the bed and we take a pair of ear buds and we share them as she brings up some of her stuff that she has for her home work and she’s doing for her school or rather her home schooling.

“It’s a history video about Upper Canada when it was like called that and a bunch of other things.”

We sit and we watch the video which isn’t too bad though it’s a little strange because it’s a whole bunch of different things all put together some of them I think are from like things I sort of think I might have seen a long time ago from TV. I sort of remember some of that but at the same time it’s nothing that I was really paying attention to.

But it’s like a course/class on Canadian History and it’s a bit hard for me with the dates but Kaitlyn’s taking notes every once in awhile as she stops the video and she types things down. I look at her.

“So how does this work exactly?”

“Like what, how the classes?”

“Yeah, I’m going to be out a long time with like physio and I think that it might be cool if I could catch up with things if I could and go back to school in the fall with everyone else.”

“Everyone else?”

I smile a little. “I kind of came out to Shawn’s Facebook and stuff. I met some actually okay people that I go to school with and stuff it’d kind of be cool if we actually got to go into high school together.”

Kaitlyn nods. “Okay well it’s actually a service out of Oshawa that does this and they have a course load that’s accredited and all that stuff by the province so I get like transcripts when I’m done for college so I think that all you have to do is to sign up and get the school on board with it so that they’ll accept the marks and all of that to like finish your course requirements. The high school shouldn’t have a problem taking the transcripts though if you just like take the course stuff for Ontario ninth grade all over again.”

I stare at my computer, then look out at the hall where the parents are at and I wave them in as they were just sort of out there talking in some chairs out in the hall.

Dad looks at me. “What’s up kiddo you need anything?”

I type out the address and get up the homepage of the site- service that Kaitlyn’s using. “Uhm…how about the ninth grade?”

Okay I laugh as that made him stop and blink. “Huh?”

I turn my computer around and show him. “Nova…uhm Kaitlyn does home schooling through this and it’s like Ontario rated or whatever and if I’m going to be here I’d like to try and get my course stuff for ninth grade so I can go back to school during the fall.”

“You want to go back to school?”

I nod. “Yeah I do…and Jo-Beth and Danny and Andy are going to be there too and I want to do stuff there.”

“You sure, you haven’t met these other kids yet?”

“Yeah I have but just not in person or as me but we do sort of know each other ands I want to trust that. I mean they could’ve like been massive poopcandles but they weren’t.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod and even though I don’t really have like the experience in doing it I give him my very best ‘Please Daddy’ look.

He stares at me and he closes his eye but he smiles and shakes his head not like a no but sort of like he gives and he sits on the edge of the bed. “Okay show me.”

I squee and that makes him jump and Kaitlyn looks at him and she starts to snaugh at him in that cute way of hers and she rolls onto her side and mom comes in and her and Kaitlyn start talking and Mom seems amused too with dad reacting to the squee I did and I hug him and lean on him as we start looking at the homepage for Oshawa Online Educational.

An hour later we’re signed up and Dad paid online by credit card and stuff and everything. It’s actually neat since they have log in files for their worksheets and then you have to register your search engine and things there with them and they even have a tablet app where you do math on there and use a stylus to show your work and they offer to ship you one of theirs if you don’t have one of your own for the duration of the course. The search engine time is like for them seeing how well that you can look stuff up and research it which like lends itself to their version of class time as well as the teaching videos.

They even have like those Home Ed. Like options too where they’ll lease or loan you a computer.

But since I have all of that stuff already we just have to sign up for everything and get our passwords and all of that.

It’s actually kind of exciting that I can do this and everything and they even have a transcript thing where they will e-mail the course scores to the school or schools that we want. I guess the multiple thing is if you’re going to send these out to like colleges and stuff.

I look up the e-mail for my old school and put it in and then the one for the high school in town as the one I’m looking to attend and the dad’s borrowing the computer to send an e-mail to my old school saying that I’m changing my name to Sarah Lynn Porter.

“Sarah Lynn?” I ask looking at Mom and Dad.

Mom smiles. “Well yeah, Lynn’s a family name from your dad’s side one of his favorite Aunts we thought it sounded good.”

I nod…that really means that they have been like seriously thinking about this and everything going on and stuff with me. Especially Dad since he…and the thing at Nova’s parents place where he like needed to talk this stuff out and all.

Okay he get’s it or he’s really, really trying to.

I give him a huge hug and I hear some clapping from the doorway and I look up to see Danny and Jo-Beth with some bags of stuff. And Danny’s grinning and he looks different than his pictures but not, he’s beefed up some since a lot of them by like maybe ten or fifteen pounds of like muscle by the looks of his arms and he’s got a haircut too.

And Jo-Beth who’s clapping all happy like is well…she’s short like five four but she’s got longer hair than her pictures sort of show on her Facebook page and she’s really curvy too like with the sexy hips and she has these really huge boobs.

And I’m kind of feeling a little shy and stuff and I’m biting my lower lip a little and stuff.

“Hey…you guys came.”

Danny grins holding up a big take out bag from MacDonald’s. “And I brought ice cream.”

Kaitlyn squee’s. “Yay Ice Cream!”

Wow Danny…he looks at her and he looks like he was kind of just hit by a truck.

(Giggles)

Hopscotch… A Jump Through Life 23

*Before…

I hear some clapping from the doorway and I look up to see Danny and Jo-Beth with some bags of stuff. And Danny’s grinning and he looks different than his pictures but not, he’s beefed up some since a lot of them by like maybe ten or fifteen pounds of like muscle by the looks of his arms and he’s got a haircut too.

And Jo-Beth who’s clapping all happy like is well…she’s short like five four but she’s got longer hair than her pictures sort of show on her Facebook page and she’s really curvy too like with the sexy hips and she has these really huge boobs.

And I’m kind of feeling a little shy and stuff and I’m biting my lower lip a little and stuff.

“Hey…you guys came.”

Danny grins holding up a big take out bag from MacDonald’s. “And I brought ice cream.”

Kaitlyn squees. “Yay Ice Cream!”

Wow Danny…he looks at her and he looks like he was kind of just hit by a truck.

(Giggles)

*And Now…

It’s really hard not to laugh and I sort of stifle the giggle as best that I can because that’s like kind of like embarrassing for Kaitlyn and maybe for Danny but he’s soooo got that ‘Oh wow pretty girl’ guy thing looking at Kaitlyn.

And…she hasn’t noticed it yet but she’s smiling and saying. “Ice cream is always welcome.”

Then she pats the bed in front of her moving the rolley try table we’re using and he grins and he heads right over.

I slide off the bed and am met by Jo-Beth who smiles and she passes me some flowers in a small pot instead of a vase which is nice.

“Cool thanks, I have no idea if I own a plant of my own or not?”

She dimples, it seems like just one of those things that she does. “I didn’t think that you would and I like giving flowers that’ll hopefully like keep giving instead of cut ones.”

“Well I love it it’s really cool.”

I set in on my nightstand thingy and I offer to give her a hug and she hugs me back pulling me in and she gives me a really great squeeze.

“Wow…you’re a hugger!”

She nods. “Yup, totally a hugger that cool with you?”

“I’m cool with you being you.”

“Aaaawww.” Jo-Beth actually presses into me a little more and sort of cat rubs but in like this affectionate happy way and not sex way.

But OMG the boobs.

I know, I know I should be like talking and focusing on them unless I’m like a lesbian which I’m thinking that I’m not because the yick-stick’s not doing yicky things but I have literally and I’m going to count Shawn in too on this I have never been in this close a range to a pair of breasts that are that huge.

I can’t help but to look at them (They’re right there!) and Jo-Beth’s looking at me and she’s blinking sort of like innocently and there’s an impish grin there.

“Well I think I’m straight.”

She stares at me her eyes getting big and she blushes and then she giggles and I’m giggling and Kaitlyn’s in on it too.

And Danny looks a little lost.

(George? George? Which way did he go George?)

That thought makes me look at him and start to snaugh and he’s turning red in the face. “Oh hells I really should have thought the whole in a room with three girls for a second or two.”

Okay that gets us all laughing.

He opens the bags and he holds up MacDonald’s hot fudge sundaes. “Fortunately I have come prepared!” he kind of crows and Kaitlynn swipes the sundae in his hand and looks at him.

“Why did you bring condoms?”

The look on his face though.

“’Scuse me I have to go…!” I make a beeline for the bathroom.

It’s using the bathroom and it’s all that stuff that it is but it’s also too the fact that I laughed that hard that I had to do this.

That, that has this feeling of newness for me.

I think that it might be a good thing that I don’t remember just exactly how badly unhappy I must have been for so long.

I get cleaned and ugh…tucked…not that it’s not something that I don’t want to do but it’s that whole it’s there and dealing with that stuff.

I haven’t quite gotten yet to where I have the skills to turn off that dysphoria trigger to doing that and just do my business.

I head back out and Danny reaches across the bed and he passes me a sundae.

“Thank you and yay, it’s not solid.”

He grins. “I got them all without peanuts just in case of like allergies and I didn’t know with what you’ve got going on that you could have stuff like that.”

“No…it’s cool no allergies but nuts are hard to digest even though I’ve been doing the porridge thing in the mornings I’d just as soon as not be like doubled over as my insides are trying do deal and are like screaming WTF woman at me.”

I get a few snickers from the others at saying that and there’s this warm glow from having friends with me and just goofing off and stuff and then of course that warm and happy feeling is like replaced with the feelings of like oh…yay…chocolate fudge.

I’m eating but I look at the others. “Okay is it like wrong for me that I have a serious love of chocolate or is it like too stereotypical?”

All three are looking at me like I’m odd.

Danny says. “Uhm…no, heck I eat chocolate chips right out of the bag.”

Kaitlyn looks at him. “Oh yes so much that. I do that and have a hot coffee and hold the chips in my mouth and let them get all heat melty and so good.”

Jo-Beth’s like… “Kaitlyn should you be talking about holding things in your mouth with poor Danny around?”

He blushes.

Kaitlyn blushes. “Heeey…don’t he’ll choke.”

Danny chokes. I know that something boyish and sexy went through his head and he soooo went there and now he’s choking on his ice cream.

Jo-Beth grins and she eats more of her sundae and she sets it aside and takes out stuff from the other bag that she brought and it looks like DVD’s in rental cases. “Potterthon?”

I’m like. “All of them?”

She nods. “All of them.”

I look at Kaitlyn who’s pulling over the wheelie tray with our laptops on them and we use hers since it’s got a bigger screen and they we get comfortable with me sitting right close to Kaitlyn and Jo-Beth on the other side of me and we’re looking for room for Danny when we decide that he can actually lay sideways in front of us and his legs out straight down the length of the bed and his back supported by our legs.

It’s four of us all together and just hanging out and Mom comes over and she gives me a kiss. “Your dad and I are going to go and give you kids some space and do some stuff ourselves. We’ll be back later okay?”

I kiss her back on the cheek and then Dad and they leave and close the door so we like don’t make too much noise for the other patients and we start to watch the first movie.

It’s the feelings….I just know.

“Thanks guys this isn’t something that I’ve ever really had before.”

Kaitlyn has a look too and she nods. “Yeah me either, kind of short on people to hang out with back home and all that.”

We sort of have this moment all of us that’s just not really words but just one of those things where we all get it.

And we like it too.

…………………..That’s a lot of movies and it’s not just watching the movies either it’s talking and doing stuff like how cool it’d be to go there to Hogwarts and the whole dining room thing and I really love that stuff because it so sets you up with this whole feel and mood for the world that was created and it’s just so.

Kaitlyn… “So get the Mudblood feelings…being trans kind of feels that way like you’re just like everyone else only really they keep telling you that you’re not and it sort of like sinks in.”

And there’s some of that and then there’s just talking about the car and the junk food they have and just what could be like in there that’s like not talked about in the movies or the books.

And Danny playing around and trying to tickle our feet.

And Jo-Beth kicking him in the forehead by accident. “It’s your fault! I am not responsible for what my legs do when you touch my feet!”

And there’s laughing and a lot of laughing and bonding.

And it’s some girl bonding too even with Danny there because like that whole thing where Ron’s with that airhead and then there’s that whole thing with harry and the girl that was with the guy that died and then she started liking harry and Ron was all confused and Hermione is getting upset at trying to explain it all to him and then there’s just all of that stuff and when Danny says.

“Y’know I’m kinda feeling Ron, I’d be like confused too with all that unsaid stuff between girls and stuff.”

We just like looked at each other Me and Kaitlyn and Jo-Beth and we like just kinda didn’t need to say stuff about that we just sort of got it, got the scene and there was that whole girls together moment.

It was so strong.

And it so led to this snuggle-threesome.

And then Danny was just like super, super guysome and after like we did the bathroom thing at around movie three he slipped out and he came back from the canteen downstairs with three Dairy Milk chocolate bars and some coffee for all three of us and he even had like one of the flannel blankets out from the warmer and he covered our feet and legs and we were like super comfy and he resumed where he was and we just sort of like kept going.

Like I said it was really awesome.

Mom and Dad show up and stay with us and watch the last two movies with us and it’s kind of cool because Dad’s like really into it.

He’s never seen harry Potter before only heard of it.

He was staring at the screen and sipping his coffee. “I never knew that this was that good?”

It’s kind of neat when you see someone fall into wonder for the first time.

It’s an hour and a half past visiting hours by the time we’re done watching the movies and we’re all yawning and stretching and stuff and we head downstairs to leave or rather they are and I walk them downstairs mostly to get the aches from the bed and sitting for so long out and stuff.

We hug and promise to talk online and stuff later and I watch them get into their cars and stuff.

Danny has his license apparently and he’s driving this old, really old cutlass cruiser station wagon…that’s Oldsmobile I think it’s such a beater but it kind of suits him.

Sigh…What a really, really good night.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 24

*Before…

It’s an hour and a half past visiting hours by the time we’re done watching the movies and we’re all yawning and stretching and stuff and we head downstairs to leave or rather they are and I walk them downstairs mostly to get the aches from the bed and sitting for so long out and stuff.

We hug and promise to talk online and stuff later and I watch them get into their cars and stuff.

Danny has his license apparently and he’s driving this old, really old cutlass cruiser station wagon…that’s Oldsmobile I think it’s such a beater but it kind of suits him.

Sigh…What a really, really good night.

*And Now…

One of the security guys is really decent to me and he actually lets me go back using the stairs as long as he came with me and apparently he has to only use the stairs to do that because of people maybe falling in the stairwells or doing like bad stuff and all and he’s not that bad a guy and really not that scary like some of them are…One of the day shift guys looks like he’s always ready to bite someone.

I managed after everyone was gone to do two make-up tutorials on the tablet before taking a shower.

Yes and it was with my panties on.

You can soap through them and it’s right now just a lot easier to deal with stuff like this and everything.

And then it was getting a start at least on the start-up reading for the online school stuff that I got for my grade nine stuff and I read those intros for each of the subjects and stuff and clicked the course agreements and got that far at least by close to just past midnight and when the keys get a little sort of fuguey looking then it’s a good time to stop.

Y’know when the keys aren’t blurry but you just kind of see then and you’re sort of gapping about typing anything and when you do it’s like half typos.

But it was like worth it. It was such a really, really good day and a really great night.

I dream about it.

Just dreaming about like the whole simple pleasure of hanging with them and hanging with friends and just doing stuff like other kids.

I want to go to Archer Lake and go swimming and hang out there in the little side park and listen to music and tan.

I want to do bonfires.

I want to skinny dip without part of me feeling freaky and shameful…but to feel like racey and maybe even like pretty…

Okay that last one…as good a dream as it was and it was really sort of awesome it was not so awesome having to wake up and being me…with my night bra and the inserts and the whole other thing…which hits me with this whole set of dysphoria blahs as I have to get up and use the bathroom again and it’s such like a bad and sharp contrast to thet dream I can’t help but to sit there on the toilet and have a quiet cry to myself.

I look at the clock and it’s morning, it’s morning enough that the food service lady will be around soon and I wash up and then wash my face and wake up some more and then make myself at least look a little presentable.

I know it’s like psychoso-whatever but washing my face helps as does putting on just a little eye makeup and some concealer and some deodorant and a new bra and clothes then getting my inserts in.

It almost makes me want to do a whole new woman joke.

Instead I take out my laptop and go onto my Live Journal and I write, I post up and entry about last night and then another one about later last night and getting a start on my school stuff and how I’m planning on doing this and trying to go back to school with everyone in the fall.

And then there’s the stuff with the dreams…and my dysphoria crappy morning.

Okay it feels better getting it out there.

It feels familiar too…not doing it but getting it out of me and onto the screen and written down…there’s this feeling of release that seems to help after it all and that…that is a familiar feeling.

LJ Sarah might have kept Shawn sane I think.

Okay… okay the morning actually turns itself right around when the food service lady comes in with my breakfast and there’s cream of wheat as per usual with the crappy coffee and the glass of skim but it’s like the heavens open up and I can hear the Angels singing when I can smell food.

Toast…and what smells like sort of bacon.

Okay it’s that turkey bacon stuff but still.

I’m grinning from ear to ear as she’s bringing it over and I quickly go to You Tube and bring up the whole musical bit from Oliver of “Food glorious food!”

I’m grinning as it actually makes her laugh and while she’s a nice lady I don’t think that they get the whole thanks and respect that they should get.

Okay the food’s like iffy but what they were told to serve isn’t likely her fault.

Three day’s…almost four after the coma and everything and the taste of toast with margarine and some Kraft packet raspberry jam is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes.

I like bread.

I mean the stuff like the sundaes were great and so was the stuff that Dad brought too but I honestly right now think that my body was craving something bread like.

I clean everything and even the bad coffee isn’t as bad as it usually feels like since I was so mood lifted from actually having both the toast and jam and the turkey bacon.

And that stuff’s not bad really it’s actually cooked really crispy it’s just not really bacon, it’s not really fatty it’s just…actually it’s sort of like baloney that is sliced really, really thin and it’s pretending to be bacon.

It’s got that same sort of texture as baloney gets when you like fry it.

But Oh yeah as soon as I’m done I’m Live Journaling it and then I’m on my Facebook with it and from there I’m getting back into my Facebook and going through and carrying things over from Shawn’s page to Sarah’s page and I do notice one thing that since my little announcement there’s been a bit of an exodus from my friends list.

Like a lot of people jumped ship.

I don’t remember them, I don’t but it hurts in that weird odd sort of social media way and everything.

I’m likely better off without and stuff but still.

Way to go people… (Sarcasm.)

You all suck. (Not sarcasm.)

I take a good look through and everything and at least there’s no more people talking poop that I can see and that whole thing just sort of spurs me on to get things sort of copied over and posted that I wanted posted and stuff by sharing some of those posts to Sarah from Shawn and then after an hour or so it’s…it’s all done.

Oh…whoo-boy.

I pull the plug on Facebook Shawn.

And I’m wiping away tears from doing that and I’m not really sure…

“Sarah? What’s up why are you crying?”

I look up to see Dr. Johansson there looking at me. “I thought that things were going okay? I mean aside from the whole dream thing this morning and the shower dysphoria.”

(Sniffle.) “I’m okay it’s just I just…I just pulled the plug on Facebook Shawn.”

“Oh…well that’s a big step, you want to talk about it?”

I nod. (Sniffle.) “Yes please.”

“You want to go for a walk?”

(Sniffle.) “Yes please.”

I get up and she waits and we leave my room and we start to walk and at first it’s the same thing just walking and this time we take a different route and we end up down at the kitchen and the cafeteria and she looks at me. “Coffee?”

“Yes please.”

I’m sort of looking at some of the stuff there and it’s not really tempting me right now but the coffee isn’t decaf. It’s whatever perk they use and that’s fine with me and I put a little cream in and milk but no sugar. I just can’t do sweet coffee or tea that much. I’ll drink it but if it’s my choice then just milk and a little cream.

We start walking but she takes me outside and we’re on the patio which is attached to the cafeteria and it’s just red bricks and a red brick three foot wall and picnic tables and it’s sort of got cover from a bunch of birch trees planted all around it and I sort of smile a little.

It’s nice out and the leaves are just sort of starting to come out and unfurl from their buds. It’s something that I like seeing and it we leave down this little walk that connects to a sidewalk that leads around the building.

She starts after we get more or less on our own. “So like I said it’s a big thing that you did.”

“It feels good but at the same time it’s kind of hard. I don’t get why though, I mean I don’t remember Shawn…being Shawn or any of those things.”

“But even if you can’t remember it doesn’t mean that it’s still not there in part and reading the things that was there well it just likely made some sort of a connection.”

“Yeah, I guess…maybe I feel guilty some too.”

“Guilty?”

“Like for this and stuff with my folks…like I was killing what was left of their memories of Shawn…they could’ve gone back and they could’ve like looked ta that stuff and…”

“And just really made things worse Sarah. Shawn’s not really gone because with everything that I’ve seen and that I’ve read in things with your Journal and the threads and how you interacted with the people you know and that you knew…and then seeing Shawn’s Facebook page it’s actually pretty clear.”

“It is?”

She looks at me. “Yes, and really with my wholehearted professional opinion you’ve been at least in part living as Sarah for years now and Sarah had…has a voice that is uniquely you.”

“Me and not her?”

She actually turns and she walks backwards sipping her coffee. “See I was thinking and wondering that and I’ve been following your posts and the things you wrote of Shawn’s Facebook and y’know what’s really telling to me?”

I shrug and I take a long drink of my coffee. “Not a clue really you’re the doctor remember.”

“You write the same.”

“Okay well I haven’t lost that much I still know how to type and use a computer.”

“No Sarah, you still write the same as you did. You have the same voice.”

“How can you tell?”

“You read like her. You have the same quirks and the same method and phraseology.”

“Phraseolowhats?”

“You say the same things as you did back then with your writing and the way that you chose your words and express yourself.”

“Oh…well couldn’t I have picked it up from reading my Live Journal?”

“Maybe but with your aphasia it’s really not likely.”

“So you believe me?”

“Yes and enough for a diagnosis I think at least for you being transgender, I still seriously think that you have lots still to deal with in the whole amnesia and PTDS from your accident however.”

“Okay so what does that mean?”

“It means as soon as we can on Monday we get you seen to by an endocrinologist and get things started.”

“Really?”

“Yes really.”

“Awesome.”

“Yes I can imagine that it is but we still have a lot of things to cover like I said and there’s still the things that I want to work on with you and your parents.”

“Oh…so I’m not even close to being done huh?”

“Nope.”

“Well it’s a start…so…?”

“So?”

“When do you think I’ll be able to actually go home?”

“That you’ll have to clear with the specialists and things I can put in an ask with then for Monday though.”

“Thanks, it’s not that I’m not grateful but right now I’m getting back on real food and other than physio stuff I’m just well kind of not doing much but taking up a bed.”

“Which might actually get them moving things along but you’re not supposed to be doing anything you know.”

(Sigh.) “I know and I have stuff to do now with getting some online make-up classes.”

“You do know there’s more to being a girl than clothes and make-up right?”

I give her the side-eye. “I meant making things up for the ninth grade.”

“Oh well that’s different.”

I screw my face up. “You read my posts; you knew I was doing this so that wasn’t like funny.”

She smiles. “Well it was a little funny.”

I stick my tongue out at her.

She grins and we actually talk a little bit more about stuff that we did last night and the hanging out and having fun and the way that it felt all kind of new…like it wasn’t a thing that I had before which says I guess a lot about how Shawn was with the guys that I…he…was with.

And that brings some more tears as it sort of hits that I might have been a fake friend to them or something.

We’re back to my room by then and she sits me on the bed and she lets me have a cry.

“You don’t seem like the sort of girl that’d be a fake friend even in stealth mode. This is why we still need to work Sarah…it’s still there, it surfaced in medical Imaging at least partway in a flashback.”

(Sniffle.) “This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does but you’re going to get through it.”

(Sniffle.) “I am?”

She points past my shoulder and Dad’s there in his jeans and his jacket and he’s giving me this look, it’s that kind of sort of look that you’d honestly only get if you were someone’s kid.

Yep more tears.

He comes over and he slides onto the bed and he puts his arm around my shoulder and he pulls me close and I sort of turn so I can hug him and hold onto him and start to cry.

“I love you Sarah, honestly and truly kiddo…and I will get you through this.”

His arms tighten and it’s suddenly me safe with my Dad.

Yep…sooo crying right now.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 25

*Before…

“You don’t seem like the sort of girl that’d be a fake friend even in stealth mode. This is why we still need to work Sarah…it’s still there, it surfaced in medical Imaging at least partway in a flashback.”

(Sniffle.) “This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does but you’re going to get through it.”

(Sniffle.) “I am?”

She points past my shoulder and Dad’s there in his jeans and his jacket and he’s giving me this look, it’s that kind of sort of look that you’d honestly only get if you were someone’s kid.

Yep more tears.

He comes over and he slides onto the bed and he puts his arm around my shoulder and he pulls me close and I sort of turn so I can hug him and hold onto him and start to cry.

“I love you Sarah, honestly and truly kiddo…and I will get you through this.”

His arms tighten and it’s suddenly me safe with my Dad.

Yep…sooo crying right now.

*And Now…

I’m hanging on to him for a while crying and start to get a grip. “Sorry Dad, it’s just that it all sort of just crept up on me.”

“That’s okay kiddo, I get it seriously your friend Nova and I had quite a talk.”

“Yeah?” (Sniffle.)

He nods. “I think the thing that got me was the fact that things she said being trans was like living on the emotional edge of a knife…that it’s why it’s there are so many sad stories of those who slip.”

“I just don’t want to be fake Dad? I hate the idea that I was that way even as Shawn.”

I wipe at my eyes…yeah smudges.

I stop and look at them and sort of weepy smile and show Dad. “Another first.”

He nods. “A good one I think.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, just be yourself.”

“I’m trying Dad; I really want to be just me.”

He hugs me tighter. “We’ll get there kiddo.”

I let out a shaky breath and just lean on him. It’s really kind of a powerful thing to be able to literally do this. I know at least three of the people on my LJ that can’t and two that are out on their own and I’m lucky.

God wow I’m really lucky.

“Thanks Dad, I’m a really lucky girl y’know.”

“Thanks Sarah that means a lot.” Again with the tight squeeze. “There’s a lot of what the heck am I doing with being a parent and a lot of am I doing it right too.”

I turn my head and I give him a kiss on the cheek. “Trust me Dad you’re doing it right.”

We hold each other for a bit and the doctor gets up and she smiles and starts writing on my chart.

“For the physio?” I ask her.

She nods. “It’s a good idea to walk and things Sarah even little trips right now and build up those muscles again to where they’re used to you being upright as you’re healing.”

“Okay, makes sense.”

She finishes. “Well I have to stop in and see my other charges before I get to enjoy the rest of the day. Listen to your dad he’s got it right and have fun with your friend too.”

I smile some more. “I will.”

I look at Dad. “So where’s Mom and Nova?”

“They’re back at the house and still sleeping when I left your mom needs the sleep more than she lets on and I think with the trip and everything last night your friend had a long day.”

I nod. “I’m going to go and fix my face.”

“Can I watch?”

“You want to?”

He shrugs. “Beats watching TV and besides your mother just sort of semi buys this stuff but you seem into it so I’d kind of like to know what to look for to buy you.”

I faux-wince. “That’s sweet Dad but please don’t buy my stuff yet I’m still working things out and really I might need professional help.”

Okay he looks curious. “Professional help?”

“Yeah for my skin tones and textures and what work in case of like breaking out and stuff. The women at the make-up counters in like some of the better places actually are really good at that and some are sort of like pharmacists a little.”

“Really so like no Avon?”

“Hey Avon actually has some okay stuff and some nice cute things and it’s important just like Mary Kay and Alouettes.”

I snerk.

Dad looks just like Danny with the ‘George look.’ “I’m so lost; you remember all of that stuff?”

“Sort of it’s more like stuff I took in so deep its part of stuff like me knowing how to read and write. I’m a girl so it’s pretty important that I learn things that other girls learn.”

I’m not getting into the gender stuff and the people that lose their poop over me needing to learn that stuff.

And as I’m wiping off my face and getting it washed I think I’ll let it stay clear and everything but it’s kind of settling in that. I have to not worry about those people, just worry about the people that are around me and in front of me and not what some university shriveled up old hag jabbers on about.

It’s not the seventies anymore then world’s changing a lot. I mean people hate social media sometimes but at the same time we’d never be seeing trans as often in the main stream or on the covers of magazines or on television.

Dad’s in the doorway watching me. “You’re not putting on a fresh…batch…look?”

“Naw, I’m going to let my skin rest and stuff for a while. It’s healthier that way.”

He nods. “That makes sense. Hey I have an idea.”

“What?”

“Shopping.”

“Shopping? I don’t think I’m cleared to leave yet Dad.”

“No like online, we can look at clothes if you like and we can look at other stuff too like for your bedroom.”

“Oh…Well okay but I really uhm…I don’t even remember what my…what Shawn’s room looks like.”

“Well it’s the attic actually.”

“Really?’

“Well when we bought the house we looked things over and we had the two barns so we decided to make one a loft and we just sort of ended up using it for storage and a couple of years ago you and they guys were getting noisy with all the DVD’s and videogames that we moved you to the loft and you and I turned part of one of the barns into better storage.”

“Oh…okay…wow, I was handy?”

“You did alright for your age.”

“That’s actually pretty cool.”

“It is?”

“Yeah I mean girls can like do anything right?”

“Definitely.”

“Well in my LJ I have a lot of art and house stuff and there’s a lot of stuff in there that I was saying then about wanting to like do both art and carpentry.”

“Really like what?”

“Bedroom sets and cabinets and like maybe vases and bowls and platters? It’s just it looks cool and it looks like something that maybe I’d like…I mean I liked it before the accident.”

“You do know that’s sort of what I do right?”

“Mom said you’re a contractor.”

He nods. “I’ve done some interior stuff too and a bit of furniture as well.”

“Oh cool can you show me?”

“Actually I’d love to.” He has this look though…

“Dad?”

“Yes kiddo?”

“Shawn wasn’t into this?”

“Not really, not that I ever really knew.”

“Sorry?”

“For?”

“Just sorry I could’ve tried harder maybe?”

“No Sarah, you were trying heck kiddo you were trying your hardest to live with being someone you never really were. We’re good.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

I go over and I hug him again and we head over to the bed but instead we get the wheelie tray and we go and we sit in the chairs with them pushed together and it feels actually pretty good instead of me going back to my bed.

It’s soothing and stuff lying down but honestly I’ve laid down enough and the chairs have decent back support so that helps a lot.

We go online and we look at stuff for like Sears and Walmart and Ikea and The Brick and mostly we’re looking at some things for my room and it’s more like online window shopping but with me opening up a page in my word processor and linking things that are stuff that we like and what I think might look good in my room and things. We leave off the bed and the mattress because we’re pretty sure that I might need a special one for a while at least with my back and it might be a good idea to see what physiotherapy says about stuff like that.

And it’s fun too because we’re getting to know each other a little better as we’re doing this and we are buying a few things actually or well day is and he has his credit cards for some of these things and it’s not like big stuff and he tells me twice we can afford it through the insurance money so we get some things.

He gets me somethings that are kind of spoiling me things like a couple of teddy bears from the Sears online catalog and I get some of those like really long sleep shirts and some nice pajamas sets that are from the woman’s section and not the girls because they just sort of look nice and as much as I like the girl-me-stuff I’m going to be sixteen soon and there’s stuff I want that looks like nice and I kind of want that and not just that but then fact that I get to have this stuff hopefully for a while and not wear it out so it’d be good to have some stuff that’d be for like eighteen year old me or twenty two year old me.

Hey clothes are expensive things and really I do want stuff but it’d be smart if some stuff I could seriously get a lot of use out of.

The rest though we’re waiting on getting with Mom when we actually go shopping because I’ll want to see my room and we can see things better in the stores and then there’s like some other things that we just might find in the shops.

It’s still a good way to kill several hours and Mom calls Dad and we go down to meet her and Kaitlyn downstairs with Dad and me doing it mostly for another walk.

They have food.

It’s a picnic basket so maybe food from home and Nova has a box of doughnuts from Tims and we head upstairs and she drops those off from the folks and us for the girls at the nurse’s station and Dad went and told the food service ladies that we have my food covered.

Actually once we get to my room we sort of decide to take it all back downstairs to the patio for the cafeteria and eat out on the picnic tables.

I take my one of my blankets with me the one that Danny grabbed from the night before and we eat outside but with borrowed dished from the kitchen and we have dinner outside.

It’s really, really nice to get out of the hospital as great as it was that they saved my life and do so much for me.

Oh wow it’s good too.

It’s chicken legs with the things on that Mom rubbed with cream of mushroom soup and then rolled in shake and bake and did until crispy…and then some. They’re really well done and stuff but I still like it because it’s really, really crunchy and she got it like not greasy.

Then she has scalloped potatoes to go with that with sliced potatoes cooked in milk and cream of celery soup? But there’s bits of like green onion through it and bread crumbs on top and those are really good too and she did like sautéed sugar snap peas and baby carrots.

Okay it’s really good but I can’t eat all of the serving and only the thigh part of my chicken leg because after so long it’s so good and so heavy though compared to the other things I’ve been having or rather not having.

On the plus side though Mom’s a really good cook aside from the chicken being well done. That’s a plus since I didn’t know that and we talk and I talk about the stuff Dr. Johansson said and then Dad and I are talking about the shopping stuff and me maybe when I’m up to it making some money by helping him out in his shop and stuff which actually leads into us talking about furniture making and stuff and Nova…Kaitlyn talking about some of the cool things that’d I’d share on my LJ page with like cool looking dishes or like cool houses or cabins and stuff even.

And I’m getting some surprised looks from Mom and I blush and smile a little shyly. “Yeah I know, Dad said it wasn’t really a Shawn thing.”

She nods. “I think it’s cool actually there needs to be more women doing stuff like this.”

And I’m like. “I know right! I’d love to run a shop after a while that takes in girls from schools in like a co-op ed. program and some from the community colleges and give them this whole safe shop space where they can actually learn a trade and not get like shit on for it.”

And Nova…Kaitlyn and I both say at the same time. “An LGBT and others shop where they can just be themselves!”

And we’re both like looking at each other and the feeling of remembering or like déjà vu is like so super strong.

We’re both totally doing the mouth drop stare at each other.

And we both do the Jinx thing…twice.

And we both do. “You owe me a Tim’s.”

And my…my heart is breaking in a good way from the familiarity thing.

My heart is breaking in this amazing way because…because she and I we just did this…it wasn’t a fluke.

This is something that we did!

I…Sarah have like real history with someone and she’s doing the same kind of freaking out in a good way as we’re looking at each other and she’s getting it…and tearing up over it and my hand’s coming up to my mouth in that happy sobby thing and Kaitlyn’s doing that happy waving crying arm flapping thing.

“Oh holy crap Sarah it’s there! You’re there!”

(Happy double sobs.)

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 26

*Before…

And we’re both like looking at each other and the feeling of remembering or like déjà vu is like so super strong.

We’re both totally doing the mouth drop stare at each other.

And we both do the Jinx thing…twice.

And we both do. “You owe me a Tim’s.”

And my…my heart is breaking in a good way from the familiarity thing.

My heart is breaking in this amazing way because…because she and I we just did this…it wasn’t a fluke.

This is something that we did!

I…Sarah have like real history with someone and she’s doing the same kind of freaking out in a good way as we’re looking at each other and she’s getting it…and tearing up over it and my hand’s coming up to my mouth in that happy sobby thing and Kaitlyn’s doing that happy waving crying arm flapping thing.

“Oh holy crap Sarah it’s there! You’re there!”

(Happy double sobs.)

*And Now…

We Ooof hug again and we’re holding each other and Mom looks like she’s getting it too and she’s rubbing at her eyes and she’s so doing that slide closer to Dad who is starting to clue in that something actually really good just happened and there’s that happy Dad grin starting to form from ear to ear.

We’re like that for at least a few minutes before we break it up and we’re smiling and we’re doing the whole smiling and laughing thing and using napkins to wipe at our eyes and well of course messing with make-up or well Mom’s and Kaitlyn’s.

I didn’t re-apply from my crying thing with Dad.

Mom kind of starts packing our stuff up and we help doing the whole smiling and sniffling as we get things done with like carrying the plates and dishes that are the kitchen’s back into them and then we’re heading upstairs while Dad slips off to do whatever after doing the kissing mumble whisper with Mom and then another longer kiss before he takes off.

Oh wow.

I don’t know about before and Shawn’s like and experiences but actually seeing your folks be kind to each other and being loving to each other is awesome.

And very much a whole other kind of awesome when I get to see my Mom watch him leave and she does that still into him girl…sigh.

And part of me does that too. (Sniffle.)

We head up to my room and I look at Nova…Kaitlyn…yes, I’m still sort of mixing then a little because it’s just that that’s how I knew her like first in my head from reading my posts and stuff. Like Pyrokitty will likely always be PK to me and Fennec will likely always still be Fenn.

“So… like before you started but came out did you cry a lot?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda common it’s like you take off this pressure valve of stuff that is pent up and all of this stuff that you’ve like always felt and now it’s like socially okay to let go.”

“Oh…good because I’ve been doing that a lot lately. I was kind of wondering and stuff.”

No…Kaitlyn nods. “Yeah Not getting your ass kicked for being a pansy or a fairy or any of that other bullshit it’s really kinda nice.”

I nod. “It makes me wonder about my old self though and stuff because one of the other people that I know Adam he said that I used to stand up to bullies and stuff.”

She looks at me as we get inside and she takes off her boots and butt hops onto the bed. “Could be Shawn was looking for trouble.”

Mom’s like… “Really?”

Kaitlyn nods. “Yeah there’s a long and hallowed tradition of trans people being a little off with stuff like that because we try so hard at being like the opposite of what’s going on in our souls. There’s a lot of trans people in macho and dangerous jobs as a way of either manning up or like doing something like decent and good with our lives because we grow up seeing ourselves as freaks and stuff.”

“But you’re not freaks.” She’s looking at us both.

I shrug. “That’s kind of like true but it’s a hard trip from true to what you feel like.”

Kaitlyn’s like… “it’s kind of better in some places, I mean in others trans is like or worse than being gay or lesbian even though we can be that too. But now there’s some options and stuff depending on parents and where you live and stuff but the biggest stuff really is age.”

Mom asks. “Age?”

“Yeah with like the older trans people there’s a lot of stuff just in how they grew up and when that left them without any of the like options that we have now. I mean there wasn’t even a really open and diverse kind of social thing for most of them unless they took their lives into their own hands and went to like drag clubs and places and a lot of those were in dangerous places and areas or they just didn’t exist at all and people had to and still do like live in stealth.”

Mom nods and takes out some gum and shares it out. “And it’s different?”

I nod. “There’s trans stuff that’s like all still evolving as more and more people are stepping up and out of each other’s shadows and everything but there was nothing like non-binary trans people around and no community of that stuff.”

Mom has this huh look. “Non-binary?”

Kaitlyn looks at her. “Trans people that don’t want to go all the way or don’t need to go all the way. Like someone good with themselves that they don’t need to go in for like the surgeries and can like live pretty good lives as thet gender that they want.”

And I add. “And that doesn’t have to be a guy or a girl anymore it can be both or even none.”

Mom’s like… “I don’t get both?”

I look at her. “A non-op trans person that’s sort of good with being female but not that good with being a woman, so she goes on hormones some and she lives in this sort of other kind of male but not male thing and is still not fully transitioning…they’re called Boi’s with an I instead of a Y or there’s Dappers and Dandy and then there the ones that just sort of do the same things but to more like opt out of the whole system that they never really fit in going for a lot of androgyny.”

Mom just shakes her head. “We had none of this when I went to school we had a couple of LGBT kids and just mostly L & G and even that was kind of rare but that’s because home was red-necked as hell.”

Kaitlyn nods. “I’ve been to a few of those places when I went on vacation with the parents and stuff. There were times when I’d get clocked for being trans and some of these small town yokels would look at me and I swear that I could like hear effing banjoes.”

Mom let’s out this big sigh. “Well I’m really glad that we’re not there and that Sarah’s getting help…and that you’re here too Kaitlyn it’s a really big help.”

Kaitlyn smiles and she hugs Mom. “Hey Sarah’s like my best friend, so yeah it’s really a no brainer.”

I smile and sit in the chair and get my laptop ready and look at Kaitlyn. “So what’s the plan for today?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know but my folks are coming over today sometime.”

I nod she’d said that before. “Fix our faces?”

She nods. “Cool you can show me what you’ve got so far.”

We head to the bathroom and we actually fix our make-up and while we’re at it we start talking about the tutorials that I’ve been doing and then Mom joins us and she’s pretty much watching and my tablet gets brought in and we’re listening to tunes off of a play list I’ve found and we’re doing different make up tricks and things while we’re listening to tunes from Kaitlyn’s You Tube channel.

There’s serious chick rock going on with that… Garbage, Clout? Headpins, Lee Aaron, Wendy O Williams? (Wait was that a Bon Jovi tune?), Pointer sisters, Robin Beck? Juice Newton… (Oh Queen of Hearts!), Phantom Blue… (Girl Iron Maiden?), Roxette, Joni Mitchell, Bonnie Raitt, Heart, Luba? Starlight Butterfly, Dido, Hunter Valentine…

Mom’s almost ridiculously and awesomely happy with the tunes and we’re doing the make-up thing but we’re rocking out too and a little dancing…the bathrooms here are built for wheelchairs and they’re Spartan so like there’s enough room. I mean it’s not like we’re clubbing but just sort of dancing and there’s a bit where Kaitlyn’s go-go sixties dancing in the shower stall and that’s fun because we’re taking turns and goofing and even in like the hard rock girl tunes there’s some air-guitar and air drums.

And I didn’t know that girls even really did that, that much? Mom’s definitely a rock fan and it’s a lot of fun.

And there’s this look between the three of us several times.

We’ve never had this, Not one of us had this.

It’s all new and it’s ours.

God that’s a powerful feeling.

We have this whole awesome bit of girl time and I’m not sure how long Dad’s been there watching with the tray of coffees and box of Timbits but he’s there smiling.

Major blush time.

Mom too which is still like I said cool. It’s cool that they’re still like that…maybe me too with someone, someday?

We take a break from the beauty school of rock to go out and we hang out watching this old classic movie called Sixteen Candles and drinking coffee and eating Timbits.

Very, very nice way to kill the afternoon right up until the credits which has me falling asleep on Kaitlyn using her as a body pillow almost.

Her arm slipping around me was the best kick butt touch to having me drift off.

………………………….I wake up hearing new voices and when I come too there’s two new people there and it’s a Japanese man and woman there quietly talking with Mom and Dad and I can hear and feel Kaitlyn breathy in that sleeping way with us still intertangled and holding each other.

My eyes get a little misty and I get this lump in my throat because this, this is the thing you do when you have friends, real girlfriends just like everyone else.

But the thing that happens when you wake up that happens and I have to go pee. I get up. “Excuse me, bathroom.”

Kaitlyn wakes up. “Me too.”

Okay big thing…no not that, but going to the bathroom with another girl.

Even one that’s like me.

It’s hard not to look while we’re in there doing that, but she did have a cute pair of pink panties on that looked pretty expensive like VS or something like that and yeah…sigh…such long legs and the shade is perfect for her skin tone.

“Sigh…so pretty.”

“Hey, you’re pretty awesome too.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, blonde cute pixie waif you.”

“Waif, no that’s the coma liquid diet.”

“No you’re waaay hotter than you think Sarah and you’re only going to get better.”

“You think? I mean I don’t want to be like vain.” No…seriously I hate vain girls.

“Yes I do think so; you’ve got a great look.”

“You’re pretty awesome too Kaitlyn.”

“It’s just me; I still get like self-conscious all the time.”

“Such a girl thing.”

We both grin and nod and head out to meet her folks after washing our faces from the post sleeping in our make-up thing.

………………………………Kaitlyn’s folks are nice. Her dad Nash is from B.C. and ended up here working in the whole IT thing as a manager and Luna her mom’s the tall one and she actually used to be a model.

I kind of learn about that stuff because I really don’t know much about the who middle range modeling like for catalogs and smaller events and even a few commercials and things.

It’s also still this whole thing for us that her folks are Japanese in like race only both being like born Canadians and there’s this whole expectation sort of. Yeah I know it’s dumb but I kinda went there.

If anything her dad strikes me more like a surfer type he’s that laid back even those he’s like really technical and stuff for his work.

I kinda get Mom though since Luna’s kind of like her opposite and stuff with that never really been part of the whole female self-esteem world like she worked in.

No, I’m like not belittling or picking but Luna’s hot, she worked with that and stuff.

Mom…wallflower just kind of got by.

Me…I’m so feeling Mom really.

Thank god she sort of does the same kind of stuff that Nash does but apparently for The Toronto Dominion Bank.

It’s a sort of a get to know each other time and we even go to the cafeteria all together for supper since they have spaghetti on the menu there and it just is easy and handy.

We hang out there talking until they close and then we go for another walk all together talking about school and the whole homeschooling thing by computer and stuff that we have to think about dealing with.

Kaitlyn tried the public school thing. Two years ago and it wasn’t cool. There were a lot of people that gave her crap.

I remember her LJ entries with her getting called Ladyboy and Newhalf and getting crap and getting hit on.

She left when one of her teachers turned out to be a perv and felt her up after class.

Uncool…especially when you’re just coming out…and all nerves.

We hang out until it’s the end of visiting hours and the parents leave and Kaitlyn stays with me for the night!

Okay that was cool and I didn’t know about it and apparently it was okay with it and we settle in and keep the door closed.

So…much fun with my first sleepover and yeah it’s in the hospital but we get some shows set up on our laptops and we get some hot chocolate just the powdered stuff for the nurses at the nurses station and they share out a big bag of potato chips with us and then shower and we do facials and then we snuggle into some fresh heated flannels in our night things and we watch the whole Wandering Son anime.

So good…and I’ve never seen it and it’s a story about two trans kids a boy and a girl and it’s really cool because it feels like something that’s actually made just for us.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 27

It was late when we woke up and it was the food services lady coming in with my breakfast and I am still sort of full from all of the food from yesterday so the toast and turkey bacon I share with Kaitlyn and then we do some school work on our computers after she gets us two good coffees from the cafeteria and we do that for a while until my doctors come.

I got e-mails from Mom with her phone and e-mails for work and she left the same for Dad and they said that they’re going to be at work and that Kaitlyn was going to stick with me all day.

Very cool.

It earns Kaitlyn serious hugs and stuff.

“Hey it’s no big I was going to be here anyways and we’re not like helpless it’s physio and that kind of stuff so I told them I’d be here and this way we can hang out and I can pay you back.”

Head tilt… “Pay me back?”

“Yeah…back then with some of the stuff that I was going through when we first met Sarah you were like right there and you seriously talked me off of a cliff or three.”

I look at her. “It was that bad?”

“Transphobia, homophobia, racism…and on top of all the stuff that was going on with being trans and so not confident in myself and everything I get a whole friggin boatload of sexism on top of that but the other girls in school weren’t friendly and I literally had no one to talk to about it and Mom…well she’s used to it in this sort of way that she turned it around so much that she got it but she just couldn’t…I mean there are things that ‘Just ignore it.’ and that ‘They’re just jealous’ don’t help with when you’re thirteen.”

Yep…More Hugs.

“You’re here we’re good.”

And really it’s such a good thing that she’s here with me.

Okay I mean that nothing that’s going on is like a bad thing really no more scan coffin of death or anything like that it’s just Mondays and it’s all the other stuff and it’s really awesome to have a friend there to distract me which helps more for the boredom than anything else and we take our laptops and stuff and we head out to my various appointments.

Lab’s first and we don’t even get called down there until half past eight and then we’re waiting there for at least twenty minutes and stuff so we’re there watching people and doing things and going about they days and we’re doing our schoolwork or we’re working at it and we’re talking with an open IM window too.

Wow… They took a lot of blood!

“Uhm…isn’t that a lot?” I ask the nurse? Tech? The vampire guy.

“Yep, you have a lot going out for your Endo.”

“My Endo!”

Yes I’m more than a little excited. I look at him and he looks at me and he shrugs like it’s not a big deal and then he gives me a bit of a smile. “Okay well then congrats, it’s the tests that you thing got ordered are what I’m drawing for.”

“You’re not like…?”

He shakes his head. “I see all sorts of stuff here…Sarah (He had to look at his chart for my name.) if HIV and drug users and all sorts of things don’t get to me a teenager getting herself sorted definitely isn’t.”

“Thanks for that…”

“Myles and it’s no problem. Not all the people here are from small towns with small town ideas about stuff.”

“Well that’s good.”

He gives me this look like he knows what I’m talking about and he’s…gay maybe?

There’s a sort of vibe there.

Though him being nice helped and from there it was into x-ray for a couple of follow up spine shots just to see if anything changed I guess and then it was lunch.

We ate in the cafeteria and Kaitlyn bought and we had penne mac and cheese and a hot dog each and then we used the bathroom, re-did our make-up and then it was down to the other side of the hospital with physiotherapy and then there’s I’m told to go to occupational therapy for the stuff that’s me dealing with my aphasia.

Physio…hurt…well not hurt but it really made me feel it and they did stretches and then did light weights in my hands like fives and stuff and really light stuff like that but there was stuff like trying to do crunches and that was a no-go…it’s safe and I’m on a crash mat and there’s a nurse right there with me and I got kind of close to doing it but my back went into like spasms.

They fixed me up pretty fast though and without drugs with this really great big sort of heated pad thing and a comfy chair that it’s on and some arnica rub.

I can’t use the bench press that much but there’s some exercises that I can do with arm weights that use back muscles and then there’s the plastic ball thing too and I can do the side to sides while holding it and I can sit on it.

I can only do those for so long either before it hurts too but I can do them I guess and it’s a start…it’s where I have to start before I can do anything else and the rest is walking.

I can do a moderate speed walk for twenty three minutes before it starts to bother me. I can do stuff between that with like taking a break and sitting down.

But it’s really frustration because I’m sixteen…I shouldn’t be hurting and moving like this and it gets me frustrated when eventually just one thing to another, to another hurts.

And Kaitlyn’s there holding my hand or like in front of the treadmill that kind of stuff.

She even gets me sniffle-laughing when I’m upset at the attempt of a sit up and she plays *Eye of the tiger* as a joke.

She even does the Jensen/Dean lip-synching to go with it.

Okay see that’s something that’s like really geekette funny and something that only a friend would do. It was even funny that it went over like a lot of the heads of the people that were there.

Then there was OT or occupational therapy and that was…it was easier, they were interested in my school stuff and how I’m working that with my aphasia.

So how am I working with my school work and having this whole brain trying to buffer thing when it comes to doing some stuff?

Slowly.

It all the answer that I can give then with what’s going on with me and I can always replay something that I’m doing or trying to do or use the help and the…the…uhm…the thesaurus to look for words and the dictionary to look them up and there’s also being able to e-mail the teacher on call or whatever for personal help.

And they honestly just sort of tell me that there’s not a lot more that I can do other that doing that I’m doing and then we work on some of my motor controls which are actually pretty good.

And some math…or some more math stuff since I’m doing some in my school online work but math or figuring it out in my head or on paper is the thing that I’m having a really hard time dealing with the most and it’s just kind of really crappy doing all of this stuff since it’s hard and frustrating but the idea I guess is that the more that I do, the more that it retrains my brain into doing this stuff again.

And lastly it’s my appointment with Dr. Johansson and that’s actually pretty easy to go through now after her and I getting to know each other and her going that extra mile during the weekend we sit and we talk and most of it’s the unplugging of Shawn from Facebook and then there’s the fact that I have stuff in common with Dad and stuff like working with wood and working at that kind of thing and the whole bonding stuff with Mom and then there’s this whole frustration thing with the physio stuff and how I’m kind of scared that my back is going to be bad for the rest of my life.

“Sarah that’s a really strong possibility.”

“I know and that scares me, there’s a lot of stuff that I want to do.”

“Like?”

“I actually don’t know but doing somethings will like really not be an option if I never get better.”

“But you can deal with it Sarah you’re doing it now.”

“It’s still scary doc.”

“It will be.”

“I don’t want to do pills either.”

“Pills, you mean painkillers?”

“Yeah, I know that they’re okay and stuff but I really don’t want to like get hooked on them. I don’t want to be fuzzy going through life.”

“That’s a good attitude, I think that you’ll be good but I think that you shouldn’t strike it all down right now either. There’s not getting dependent on something and then there’s suffering.”

“I know.”

“You’re in pain right now aren’t you?”

“A little.”

She gives me the side eye for saying that. “Well I’ll write an e-mail to the clerk of your floor and clear you for a session with the big tub.”

“The big tub?”

“It’s the tub they use for some mobility restricted patients but it’s also for stuff like this it’s really deep and it has a whirlpool set of tubes in it.”

“Oh…okay I’ve never been in one of those.”

“Well it’s a good option instead of pain and it might just help some.”

“Okay…thanks Doc.”

And that’s kind of the Monday session in a nutshell really it’s more of me just venting and stuff which I tend to do anyway on my Live Journal.

But I’m really glad to get home or rather back to my room after the whole day and stuff and when Kaitlynn and I get back to my room I seen Andy Keeler there outside waiting for me…us.

He’s…

Wow…he’s cute.

He’s got a bit of a better haircut and he’s still in his glasses and he’s wearing jeans and thankfully they’re guy jeans.

Hey non-binary, trans…whatever but a guy that’s a guy and all of that stuff to me sort of fits into this kind of mental spot like my dad does and stuff and a guy in skinny jeans even if he’s a skinny guy just looks wrong.

And he’s in a brown suede jacket that’s kind of seen better days but still sort of looks cool and he’s wearing a plaid work shirt under it but over a white t-shirt.

Oh…

Oh okay I like white t-shirts on boys.

I really didn’t know that.

He’s really kind of geeky shyish looking and cute.

And did I say cute?

He’s definitely one of those people that hates cameras and stuff and takes like a bad picture because he definitely looks better in person.

I stop and look at him. “Adam?”

“Sarah?”

I nod a couple of times until Kaitlyn gives me a poke with her thumb….. “Yeah, I mean yes.”

Blush.

“I just stopped over to see how you were since I didn’t get to the other day.”

“Oh…well I’m…”

Kaitlyn says. “She just got done a whole bunch of stuff like physio and all of that stuff and she’s kind of limping and stuff.”

And Adam is like… “Ouch sorry hopefully these will help.”

He passes me one of those bakery white boxes.

“Uhm thanks…you didn’t have to bring anything though.”

He sort of does this head tuck shy guy thing. “It’s okay I had the time…I actually made them in Home Ec.”

Okay…he takes Home Ec. That’s kinda cool, guys do that now.

“You want to come in?”

“Uhm…I kind of have to go actually I have to get to work.”

“You work after school too?”

“Most days, I’m saving up for stuff.”

“Oh…well that makes sense like what?”

“A car…a better car actually and stuff like going to cons and dating.”

“You’ve got a girlfriend?”

I’m holding my breath? Why am I holding my breath?

“No, but I can plan ahead right?”

“Well money’s not everything with girls y’know.”

He nods and he gives me this look? What was the look? Was it good or bad? Did he think that I was bullshitting him?

I don’t care about money.

Then he’s like. “I should go but I’ll see you around?”

And Kaitlyn’s like… “She hopes so, come around when you get a day off okay?” She so cheerful too, saying that.

I blush.

He blushes.

But there’s a little sort of shy smile there though like it made him sort of happy?

Adam has dimples too.

He just sort of half waves and he leaves and I’m looking at him and watching him go and Kaitlyn slips her arm over my shoulder and she’s grinning. “He…he has a cute butt.”

I stare.

Then I realize that I’m staring at his butt and him and his butt and it’s really cute.

I think a boy has a cute butt and it’s not in the gay way.

He leaves and I look at her.

“Ow…”

She grins. “Yep he’s a cutie pie and you’re so definitely a girl.”

(Gulp) “Well yeah…”

We head into the room and set our stuff down and I sit in one of the chairs in the room and sigh at how good that feels to get the weigh and the pressure off of my back.

Kaitlyn pulls over the wheelie tray and set the box on it and she grins at me then slips off to the bathroom.

I take a breath and sigh and open up the box.

?

Okay I see what sort of looks like ice cream cones?

They’re cupcakes and they’re in these small serving ice cream cones and somehow he baked the batter inside of them and they’re topped with this swirl of icing that makes them look like they’re soft serve ice cream.

Wow.

I’m looking at them and I take out my tablet and I take a picture of them for my Facebook and my tablet does that water drop sound and I see that I have an e-mail and I check it and it’s from Adam.

Adam Keeler: [Sarah, for what it’s worth. You’re really pretty.]

I’m staring at it and I’m staring at the cupcake cones and I’m blushing and I swallow and I send back. [Thank you but I’m still just kind of the same.]

[No, there’s a difference. I could see it in you.]

[I can’t see it. Mirrors are hard.]

[I can see it. And maybe mirrors never really reflect right?]

Breath Sarah breathe…oh…oh wow.

[You mean that? You’re not just being nice to me?]

[Yes, I’ve looked in my own mirrors; they never really seem to be the guy that I feel like. And yes I am being nice to you. I want to be nice to you.]

[Thank you.]

[I have to go I’m being pulled over.]

[What! You were texting and driving!? You’ll get fined!]

[It was worth it, I should go.]

[Okay…later.]

Then he’s gone and I’m staring at the text flow and I’m…

Holy cheese I don’t know what to do.

He’s a boy and he’s being nice to me, maybe even likes me? He’s going to get a ticket because of me.

He said it was worth it.

Like I was worth it.

Okay suddenly the day doesn’t seem to hurt and ache so much right now.

Mom and Dad showed up and we had supper from the cafeteria which was something called cheese and broccoli casserole and when dad goes for coffee and teas for us to have with the cupcake cones I show Mom and Kaitlyn.

Mom looks happy and confused and happy.

Kaitlyn’s over the Moon and reading the whole e-mail string out loud and I’m turning red and thankfully she lays off when Dad shows up.

Honestly…I have no idea what he’d do if he found out that a boy likes me.

Or that I like a boy.

Oh, oh yeah I’m pretty sure that I might have a case of the likes with Andy.

The cupcake cones are really, really good.

They’re still crunchy and yet the cupcake is chocolate and really yummy and fudge and the icing it this dark chocolate butter cream. He so works at a bakery…and he’s pretty good at it if he made all of this himself.

I get to use the big tub just about seven o’clock and it’s this huge tub like three feet deep and sitting in it on my butt my chin is like level with the edge and they have these silicon pads that I can use to drape over the back of it like a cushion and the water is sooo nice and it feels so soothing when they turn the jets on and it starts to do the whirlpool tub thing with the bubbles and for like the first time I thing I pull my legs up while I’m soaking and wrap my arms around them and do the happy hug myself.

Wednesday I was discharged and able to go home!

Okay yeah I sort of skipped Tuesday which was like Monday but no Andy to swoon over but there was school work on the computer…okay well some but a whole lot of my day was the tests and then it was talking with Kaitlyn about boys.

And Adam.

And Danny who I let her know if she hadn’t…

Then she comes clean that she and he’d been talking at flirting sort of a good part of yesterday.

And that morning.

So yeah Tuesday was talking about boys and doing the stuff for physio and talking about them and then it was seeing my therapist.

And that was a whole lot of talking.

“So I mean how?”

Dr. Johansson looks at me. “Well what do you mean how?’

“How the heck am I feeling like this? I’m not even started with stuff yet?”

“Sarah, even girls that haven’t hit puberty get crushes on boys.”

“But…okay but…”

I’m so glad Kaitlyn was outside otherwise she would have said something right then about Andy’s butt.

“But what? It’s a perfectly normal reaction for a young lady to have over a boy assuming that’s her sexuality.”

“Okay but why?”

“Why what?”

“Why me?”

“Why not you what’s wrong with you?”

“Look at me I’m a pre-everything trans girl! Why would he even remotely like me?”

“Why not, you’re nice, you’re kind and from what you’ve said he already knows that.”

“Shawn stood up to bullies for him.”

“You were always inside of Shawn right?”

“Yeah…”

“Then he knows that you’re brave and you’re kind.”

“But I don’t look…I’m not pretty like he said.”

“Why not, actually like this in the right clothes and with your size right now and your make-up done you pass Sarah, you look like you need puberty to catch up to you still and that’s actually true but you do pass.”

“He said I was pretty.”

“He was right because he was telling you that.”

“Huh?”

“It’s the eyes of the beholder thing Sarah it’s Andy’s opinion if he thinks you’re attractive to him or not.”

“I…what do I do?”

She shrugged at me my therapist actually shrugged at me. “enjoy it, hate it, it’s up to you Sarah it’s exactly the same thing that we all go through when we might think we’re in co-like with each other.”

How the heck do you leave the therapists office in a happy slump?

I was all ready to start to kvetch about all of it when Mom and Dad were at my room with some pizza hut pizza and that’s when I got the news I was being discharged.

Which was yay.

And I guess I could have left that night but I was tired and they were tired and I just wanted to think without the whole parents there since it was still kind of all Andy and boy related stuff and it’s just be easier to go to my appointments with physio an OT and get the materials and exercise sheets and books that they had for me.

But now I’m headed home and it’s the afternoon and everything and so far so good.

I was able to get into Dad’s Impala without freaking out.

I was worried actually about getting in a car.

Actually it is bothering me.

The whole feeling has me sort of in this whole unsettled sort of edgy thing.

Like holding onto the seatbelt whenever we pull to a stop, take a corner or he gives it a little gas.

Dad looks back at me in the mirror.

“Sarah? You okay?”

“No…I don’t think I like cars that much right now Dad.”

“Are you going to be okay though?”

“Yeah…I think so.”

Okay I might be pushing the envelope a lot doing this but I live in a town where you kind of have to drive because there’s no bus stops that I can see here in town and I don’t remember any and we get to this point of driving out to where some of the houses have barns and fields and we’re a five minute drive past the sidewalks.

There’s a sigh and s hiver of relief that runs through me when we pull off the road and down a dirt driveway.

Oh…oh wow I like the house.

The front yard could have been a small pasture like for goats or sheep or something but it’s two of them edged with white painted horse fencing and the grass is cut short and there’s some blue spruces planted in the middle of them.

Then the house is this really old styled country house with like almost three floors and the four sided roof and to match it there’s a wraparound ranch styled deck with the roof that comes down all the way around and there’s lots and lots of side yard and back yard that’s full of spruces and a lot of pine trees and then the drive way turns into a bug sort of dirt yard in the back of the house and I can see two gable styled barns and everything has this almost oaky brown stain or paint with that really nice white country style trim to it.

Oh I can’t help it but to look at it all when I get out of the car and sort of do that turn around slowly and just take it all in.

It smells really nice here…its spring so all of the buds are doing their thing and the whole place smells all like country and evergreens.

“This…this is really nice. Are you sure I live here?”

Dad laughs. “I’m a contractor kiddo remember.”

I look around and the déjà vu is really really strong.

“No but kind of? It’s sort of like I have this really imprinty feeling of the place.”

“I get that; well hopefully home will spark stuff a little more.”

“Maybe.”

The inside of the house is as nice as everything else and yeah it strikes me as something that a carpenter and contractor might have done.

Hardwood floors and not the click flooring and they’re warm on the feet.

A really big old country kitchen with that three wall wrap around counter and cupboards over those and cabinets under it too. New appliances though or modern ones and stuff so not like brand new.

Lots of exposed beams and stain and corner joists? Brown stain and white well light sandy sort of tope for the actual walls so it’s like outside but kind of reversed.

I like the thought of that.

The whole house is nice and all of the other stuff is well what you’d likely expect with an upper middle class family with two incomes…it’s really, really nice and we have it pretty lucky really.

Actually I’m not all too bugged about that either or uncomfortable in being like well off because of the stuff that Mom told me about how they grew up and everything.

They worked for it and they both kinda went through a lot of shit to get to this point and I get that’s hardly easy.

Then…Then it’s up and up to my room and that’s a little weird with Kaitlyn leading the way.

“So…what will I be seeing?”

“Porn.”

“What!?”

She giggles and I stick my tongue out at her. “No is it bad?”

“No it’s not but there’s that smell.”

“Smell, oh dammit what smell?” I have these bad images of like wadded tissues…yeah I know it’s not likely given Shawn was me but still y’know?

It’s got door at the base of my stairs and as soon as we’re in past it it’s not what I expected? There’s art hung up or pictures up on the walls of the stairs and it’s like stuff that I didn’t expect.

Pictures of places all over the world from like cheap magazines in like those plastic black frames and there’s stuff like seeing people surfing and Stonehenge at sunset and there’s even a few actual paintings of like horses and landscapes too there that are actually pretty cool.

It’s twelve stairs up and I might have to ask dad about a hand rail. It’s not like it’s steep but it just actually doesn’t have a hand rail and steady might be nice.

Inside though… it’s a lot like the rest of the house open beams and stain and here’re there’s that click wood flooring but it looks good and it’s clean and I have no windows and the ceiling is eight feet or so and it’s sheetrock under the beams and the room is pretty clean.

A big closet and two dressers and one rectangular full length mirror and there’s a big computer desk and a really nice home computer with a big monitor and bookshelves here and there and I have an old TV stand thing with a medium sized flatscreen TV and a stereo in it and a lot of CD’s and DVD’s and a few boxes of old comics and even an old love seat too sort of close to the TV stand I think for company and I have a bed that’s actually pretty kind of like standard fare that sort of looks like it came from Ikea.

And I do get the smell.

Cologne and guy deodorant and all that stuff with the smell of like just Shawn in the room and sneakers and it just smells really alien to me.

It smells like a guy’s room.

I look at Kaitlyn. “Not as bad as I thought but I’m going to need to clean, and then get rid of some things and actually just sort of like make the place actually mine.”

Kaitlyn nods. “Yep finally Sarah has her own real space.”

I look at it and I nod and smile a little. “Want to help me with the sheets first?”

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 28

The week with Kaitlyn was really fun and we worked our tails off even if it hurt doing it getting my room straighten out.

Wash the floors and walls with down and we washed all of my old clothes and you’d think that I might have tossed them out but I actually kept a lot of stuff. I had a new pair of grey low cut sneakers that were barely used so I kept those and I had a lot of cool t-shirts that were either like those ironic saying t-shirts or like band shirts and I tossed the work or just too not really me out to be given to charity.

Dad brought in my new mattress and box spring because I needed a special one that we had to get from a medical supply place.

And that was kind of it for my room.

Then it was going to my appointments twice more before the eased them back to Mondays and Wednesdays.

And we went shopping.

Frankly and honestly I needed everything and Mom was kind of well…mom buys stuff she likes and she’s still even not too sure even then.

So the three days that we went shopping for my things it was after supper and school and it was Me and Mom and Kaitlyn and Jo-Beth. Kaitlyn had some money and Jo-Beth didn’t care because I was like a living doll for her to find stuff for.

And it was really fun too.

I mean I could see this thing in Mom that was getting fed.

Jo-Beth was actually fairly popular wherever we went. It’s not too hard to see either A lot of guys liked her of course and she sure knew like how to work that and she was huggy and bubbly and friendly and people really actually responded to her.

Kaitlyn started calling her McJack.

And she didn’t get it until we showed her and got her hooked on Girls with Slingshots and she is sooo much like Jamie in that web comic it’s like uncanny.

Then it was getting my hair done. I don’t have the length or anything but I wanted something that looked cute. And Mom did a great job of it it but I get it colored even s bright sunshine blonde that unmistakably girl with what hey call crystal highlights so it’s blonde with platinum highlights.

I really liked it and I got my ears pierced as well just simple studs for the time being.

Such little hallmarks that are like so important really or at least to me.

And well of course clothes shopping too.

I don’t know exactly how to class my style other than maybe mid-girly casual? I get a few dresses and some summery things of course and I do like those things but I’m kind of still partial to pants and shorts and capris.

It’s a bit of a confidence thing.

And the shopping wasn’t like it wasn’t frought with it’s own challenges either. It’s a small town, people know who Mom is and people have talked and well of course there’s all of the kids and stuff from school that know and just seeing me with Mom I can see people putting two and two together and figuring out who I am.

Or more like who they think that I am.

There were more than a few looks, lots of stares and lots of frowns and there was those few times when things almost happened.

Like me going into the change rooms in Target.

There was a bunch of girls shopping there that definitely knew who I was and they snubbed all of us and then they went I think and complained.

Which brought a clerk who chickened out and went and got the manager who took one look at all of us and saw the ready to fight and draw blood look on Mom’s face and all he said was to ask if we needed any help.

We had the same thing almost happen too at MacDonalds using the bathroom there. But it was the fact we had an adult and we had the four of us and there wasn’t stuff said either.

But there’s people that I don’t even know here that don’t like me or don’t like the thought of me.

More like they don’t like the thought of me because they don’t know me at all.

But it’s still there, it’s still bugging me and it still kind of hurts too.

Oh and I started my blockers that first Friday and my hormones too getting my first scripts and it actually felt kind of like this weight came off of me.

It wasn’t even like a wahoo celebration thing but instead it was this whole feeling of relief…relief that the bullshit and the waiting and stuff was over.

And that wasn’t the only thing that happened on Friday either.

We had been shopping and we were just getting done at Walmart and were getting things put into Mom’s SUV and Danny pulls up in his old beater of a Cutlass station wagon and he rolled down the window and he was grinning.

“Afternoon ladies.”

Mom’s like… “Afternoon Daniel.”

I wave a little… “Heya.” We still had been sort of talking on my new Facebook and everything but he’s looking at me but he’s not looking at me he’s actually looking at Kaitlyn.

And he says… “Hey Nova.”

She blushes and she snorts all at the same time. “That’s your big line” Hey?”

He grins even more and he does a bad, bad asian fake accent and he leans out the window a little. “Wot’s happening haut stuff?”

Like the Chinese guy did from the movie we watched Sixteen Candles.

It was both funny and cute and snazzy. And we all sort of laughed and giggled some and Kaitlyn looked at him after she stopped giggling. “Can I do something for you?”

He pulled out some flowers from where he had them hidden inside the car and yeah they looked like the ones you get at the checkout at the grocery store but still.

Still it was a guy being sweet and giving her flowers.

Then Mom reaches over and does that finger flick behind his ear. “Do it again mister and at least get out of the car.”

We sort of giggle.

Kaitlyn blushes.

Danny blushes.

But he does get out of the car and he walks over to Kaitlyn and he coughs and looks at her. “will you go out with me tonight?”

She’s staring at him.

It takes a few minutes y’know for that kind of thing to like sink in. We really do think for all that we sometimes be funny or playful or sweet…it’s kind of bravado.

We kind of think we’re pretty undateable a whole lot of the time.

And I get my revenge by giving her a thumb jab in her side.

She unfreezes and she nods. “Yes, definitely yes!”

He gets this really lit up happy look on his face and in his eyes and he blushes and he smiles a little. “Can I pick you up at seven?”

Kaitlyn nods. “I’m…I’m staying at Sarah’s house.”

He nods. “Okay, I know where that is. I’ll see you then.”

He got into his car and he left and we had this whole few minutes of the three of us having this totally goirled out thing and we headed home to unpack and to get Kaitlyn ready for her date.

It was heartwarming and it was really fun doing all of that and being the one to talk her down before she wound herself up too much with all of the what ifs.

I didn’t go, I didn’t have a date and didn’t want to tag along so Jo-Beth and I hung out and did the clothes and other thing for awhile and me trying to get looks together. Learn how to put looks together and how to layer things and just all the stuff a lot of people…a lot of girls are way ahead of my in.

We even did a sleepover because if Jo-Beth didn’t get date dirt I think she actually might have exploded that night.

And it was even better than our night in my hospital room and we could be loud and laugh and giggle and squeel about the whole thing.

Danny took her to the show and the saw Catching Fire and he did the door thing and he paid and even after he took them both out for a drive to a local diner place called Frankies where they have all the old tunes and the neon and he bought them like old fashioned shakes and they even danced and stuff outside by his car and they kissed.

It was awesome…well I mean the night was awesome and her whole time that she was here was awesome.

But yeah she said the kiss was awesome.

I was totally thrilled and sort of jealous.

Adam hadn’t called or texted since.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 29

June was full of suck.

Kaitlyn ad to go home and things were bust there with her and her starting a babysitting job and then there was me and my therapy which takes a lot of time and then my school work and doing all of that and going through Shawn’s stuff on the computer and other stuff in my room.

And no there wasn’t any porn actually anywhere and I looked…I guess like morbid curiosity and all of that stuff. I did find stories though some written on my hard drive and some of them were TG stuff and some were down loaded and renamed.

Really clean browser history like he/ I went through it and cleaned it up a lot and frequently.

I’m not going to say that I was really shocked about finding it though and I’ll have to say actually being in transition changes how that all stuff seems and reads.

Yes I read it.

And I have no idea about what to think or feel about being with a guy.

Add in missing Kaitlyn and having not heard from Adam and hormones just kicking my butt with the moods and being sick.

Oh no one told me that sometimes when you start this you get almost morning sicknessy kinda of feels. Okay so yeah people have said it and blogged it but it wasn’t like they actually told me.

And then there was two sort of story related boner dreams that kind of sent me into dysphoria land for awhile.

Because I thought that those would have stopped with the blockers and the hormones that I’m on. I know, I know it all effects us differently and it’s a process.

That still didn’t help me from feeling like that and feeling all confused and stuff about sex.

Well one thing did turn out to be correct and that I’m definitely hetero or really close to it.

After six weeks seeing a guy online or on TV that looks really nice actually catches my attention.

Six weeks and by the end of the month I gotta know.

I told Dad where I’m going and I take my bike out and I bike into town that last Saturday in June and I actually went looking for Adam at the bakery.

It’s a little strange too I’ve been out on the bike a few times but I’ve never driven really into town and it’s longer than I thought or liked really but it was sort of uneventful other than a few times when the traffic got too busy and too much for me and I had to stop and walk the bike.

Nope… I’m still not over the whole cars thing yet they still make me nervy and likely always will.

My back’s still iffy too but it’s slowly improving.

But I was in capris and a halter top now that I don’t need my inserts and have a nice bust starting…itchy and hurting but it’s starting and I oddly am okay with all of the negatives with growing breasts because they’re my breasts. They feel right on me, they make me look a lot more right when I look in the mirror too.

It’s worth a little discomfort to feel okay about myself.

Even with still not remembering it’s still this deep down feel finally okay with myself and getting there more and more each passing day.

It took about an hour to get there and I’m a little more sweaty that I would have liked but that’s not even that bad either since I don’t smell like I used to either.

The place is small but it’s actually pretty cute too and it’s a nice yellow with white trim and it sort of reminded me of a lemon cake or something and I parked my bike and I headed inside.

There’s a woman behind the counter and she’s putting out long loaves of bread and she turned around and smiled at me. “Hi can I help you miss?”

“Uhm I was wondering if Adam was around?”

“He is but he’s not really allowed to see anyone?”

“Oh…is he sick?”

“No he’s been grounded.”

“Oh…okay no phone either?”

“No phone and no computer and no car.”

“Oh he got in trouble with the police stopping him then.”

She blinks and she looks at me. “You’re Sarah?”

I nod and swallow…my mouth’s dry now.

“You’re real?”

Okay…I wasn’t expecting that.

“Uhm…yes?”

“Okay Adam’s never really…and…you’re really Sarah?”

Okay I sort of blushed and I grinned. “I’m definitely Sarah.”

“Well…okay then that make things different.”

“How?”

“Well you actually exist.”

“You thought he was lying?” That’s kind of messed up.

“Sort of, I kind of heard things and well it wasn’t something that we believe in and he’s never really been with a girl before this and we thought that he was trying to cover it up.”

“What up?”

“That he was gay, we don’t believe in that sort of stuff.”

“What’s wrong with gay people?”

She gave me this look.

“Oh…you’re him.”

“Pardon?”

“Him, that poor boy with the brain damage.”

“I’m not a boy, I never was.” My guts are falling through the floor right now.

She looked at me. “God doesn’t make mistakes, and if you think so then you’re just another pervert.”

We stared at each other and she was getting madder the longer I held her gaze and I was getting mad too but it’s this hurt and almost crying mad kind of way and she actually walked over to the phone on the counter.

“I want you to leave or I will call the police.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong?”

“I’ll say that you showed yourself to me like that pervert did in Toronto in the newspaper.”

“Why!?”

“They’ll believe me too, people know what you are and what people like you are like now get out of my shop!”

She picks the phone up and I ran out of there and It’s all that it took for me to get out of there and away from her for the tears to start and just keep going and flowing out of me and I somehow got on the bike and I pedaled…and somehow didn’t have another accident.

I got off the main streets though because I couldn’t deal with the traffic and I just couldn’t deal… it was triggering me so bad because it’s just…how the hell are people like us ever going to get any chance at anything with people like her!?

They call us stuff and there’s all these bad people that aren’t trans people that do all these effed up things but we’re getting blamed for them!

God-fucking-dammit!!!

I couldn’t bike like this and I got off the bike and pushed it over to the ground and I was crying and pacing and wiping at my eyes and that’s when I seen it all.

There’s these deep, deep black marks and in a long skid over the pavement at the corner and then I saw at the corner’s other side cheap vase and candles and old flowers there…and I knew where I was at.

I couldn’t stop from walking over there if I tried and I’m just standing there and wiping at the tears and looking at the whole old memorial scene thing that’s still there and that has been sort of just left there since it’s been so long.

And I couldn’t remember…I tried…I tried and I tried and it was just not coming which makes me cry even harder and even though I’m crying and my back hurts I’m picking stuff up…setting things back upright and straightening it all up.

I don’t know how long that I was there but there’s the flicker of the streetlights coming on and there’s headlights that make me flinch right after that and I seen Mom getting out of her SUV and I’m sort of numb as she get’s me off of my knees and into her SUV.

She doesn’t freak out.

“Adam called me.”

“I…I just wanted to…”

“I know, he said he saw you leave and that you didn’t hear him calling out to you.”

“That woman…she said.”

“Mildred Keeler needs to keep her mouth shut before someone does it for her.”

“She’d hate God himself if it made her seem more important with that holy roller crowd of hers.”

“But Adam…” (Sniffle.)

“He quit.”

“But…?”

“If he wants a job I’ll get your Dad on it but he’s done working for his old bigoted grandmother.”

“But she said he was grounded for… for lying and them thinking he was gay…”

Mom huffs.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“Momma…I’m sorry…” (Sniffle-whine.)

I can’t help it after that point it was all too much and I break down crying in the SUV and I don’t remember how I got out or into my room.

Yeah June sucked.

Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 30

It was all this whole big blow up after that happened with Adam actually quitting and that causing a whole big deal with his grandmother Mildred.

She kicked up a heck of a stink with her holy roller close to Westboro bunch of hers but in the end it was all kind of hot air.

I was trans but not the only LGBTQIA+ person in town, she tried to spread lies and stuff about my folks and how they raised me too but Dad’s pretty well known and so is Mom for working at the bank and basically when her church started getting flak from people in town like it ot not they actually put a muzzle on her.

I felt bad though.

I felt for awhile that I did something to have started her off.

Apparently not.

She uses the N-word and if you’re Native then you’re a dirty and lazy Indian and if you’re brown of any persuasion you’re a Paki.

Adam…

He called.

“Hey.”

“Hey…?”

“Sarah?”

“Yeah…Adam?”

“Yeah…is it, is it alright that I called you?”

“You got your phone back.”

“No, the cops still have it.”

“They still have it? They took it?”

“Yeah…” He sounds embarrassed.

“What happened?”

“Driving while texting.”

“You shouldn’t have been doing that.”

“I was talking to you.”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have been doing that too.”

He sighs. “Yes I should have…I mean talking with you I mean I really shouldn’t have been driving while I texted you and especially was still doing it when the officer was tapping on te window.”

Dammit… I didn’t want to giggle but I did and I sigh too after that. “So the officer took your phone?”

“Yeah and a fine…Dad impounded everything after that until I pay him back…for the fine and the phone.”

“And the phone?”

“Yeah he was pissed.”

“So…you quit?”

“Yeah I couldn’t take working for her anymore.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I got a better job.”

“Oh? Mom said Dad was going to try to hook you up?”

“I couldn’t, I’d be working for your Dad.”

“And there’s something wrong with that?”

“It’d be even more awkward asking you out.”

“Wait what?”

“I’d like to go out with you if I can? I mean if you want to.”

“But…Your family…?”

“Sarah please, please don’t take the crap that she says seriously.”

“But she’s your grandmother.”

“She’s a racist and a bigot and a whole lot of nasty things. I wasn’t working there because I wanted to. I was doing it because dad asked.”

“Oh…and do your parents know?”

“It’s only Dad and I but yeah he knows.”

Oh…well I didn’t know that.

“I’m sorry.”

“She was all alone and she wasn’t doing to well with the bakery.”

“Was she sick?” Yeah the other kind of sick came to mind.

“No she was herself and it’s twenty-fourteen, people don’t go to places that treat people badly.”

“She had friends with everything that happened?”

“Yeah…well they’re free with their hate but not with their cash.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay I’ll go out with you.” My stomach is so full of butterflies.

“Tonight?”

“Uhm tonight’s Canada Day.”

“You want to go to the fireworks with me?”

“Okay…” (Swallow.)

“I’ll come over at six?”

“Okay…” Oh c’mon brain!

“Okay…I see you then.”

And he hung up and I was sitting there for awhile still holding the phone when Mom came in getting ready for work and we looked at each other.

“Sarah? You okay?”

“I have a date?”

“When!? With who?”

“Adam, and tonight…”

“So he finally called?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re smiling.”

“Yeah…Mom?”

“Yes Honey?”

“What do I do? What do I wear?” I look at the clock and suddenly to get everything ready even myself it doesn’t seem like anywhere like enough time.

“I’ll help, but the first thing?”

“What?”

“Call Kaitlyn.”

……………….. Okay, okay that helped both the freaking out over the phone and the squeels and then up to my room and Skyping and outfits and make-up.

Mom came up with pizza for lunch and we must have done every thing I had in every combination and y’know…

Nova, Kaitlyn…even today she dropped everything.

LOL it still took forever.

Her…Mom they kept me busy and they kept me sane.

………………… Adam picked me up on a dirt bike.

I’d never been on one in my life and he had an extra helmet and we dove out to the lake where there was a whole lot of people and the fire department and the people that served in the militia services here and some of our vets all doing the whole big tables with pot luck stuff and buffet foods and lots of grills and stuff for the little kids too.

And there was music with some people playing up on the gazebo they have there as a bandstand and it’s a good date.

Yeah there were a few looks but not as many. And most people just didn’t care that much with me being me and that’s just that.

I didn’t cause a ruckus, I didn’t do anything different.

Right down to getting a ketchup and mustard stain on my sundress trying to eat a hotdog and not get messy.

To the kind of awkward dancing.

To getting pushed on the swings…and feeling my dress slip and flutter around my legs.

To walking with sparklers.

And watching the fireworks.

It was really perfect.

……………….. It wasn’t the first date either.

We go out and sometimes it with Danny and Jo-Beth and sometimes it just us and we’re taking our time.

We’re both nervous, likely me more than he is but Adam’s still nervous too.

But it’s okay, it’s actually more than okay.

………………..The rest of the summer was actually pretty good too.

A week living over at Kaitlyn’s.

Going to Niagara Falls and Marine Land.

But lots and lots of studying… getting ready.

Getting ready for school.

And that’s where I’m at now, getting ready for school.

My course work accepted, the stuff with me going through transition accepted.

I even don’t have as bad a time on the bus than in a car…yeah still got that happening and yeah I’m working on it.

I’m working on my life and my future as I step off the bus with the other kids for the first day of high school.

Then I’m Ooof Tackle hugged by Jo-Beth.

That’s a good way to start anything.

A good way to start the new year.