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He was the most successful young black comedian in the country. At the age of 26, he had his own hour-long show on prime-time television, which was consistently among the top five both in terms of size of viewing audience and viewer satisfaction. The network loved him and paid him accordingly. The fans adored him, and flocked all over him whenever he appeared in public.

On the show, he had several stock characters that he portrayed every week, but his definite favorite, and the favorite of the viewers, was Darleen, the sassy, saucy, street-smart waitress. Her putdowns and wisecracks quickly enriched the vocabulary of half of the country, so it seemed. Her famous line “Did you want hot or cold revenge with that?” became a national fad. He enjoyed portraying Darleen, and did it well. So well, in fact, that he was asked to model (as Darleen) a line of clothing for a well-known chain of women’s stores and a line of cosmetics aimed at the Afro-American market. One trade magazine even voted Darleen “television starlet of the year”.

And then it all came crashing down! A camera panning the stands at a Friday-afternoon Dodgers baseball game caught him vigorously fondling the breasts of a girl obviously under 16, seated on his lap. The tabloids splashed the photo on their front pages the next day, and by Tuesday were able to inform their readers that the girl was, in fact, just 15 years old and his “close friend”. By Wednesday, the network had yanked his show off the air and cancelled his contract, citing a paragraph about “moral integrity” in his contract, which he had never bothered to read.

At first, his agent was still able to find him jobs as a standup comic in clubs and bars. However, since he no longer had the stable of gag writers which the network had provided, the quality of his material rapidly deteriorated. Furthermore, he seemed to have lost the natural sense of timing, which had been an integral part of his act. By the time a year passed, his agent gave up and cut him loose. There was no more work.

When he was on top, he had earned millions, all of which he invested in a chain of franchised fast-food restaurants called Darleen’s Deli. Neither the food nor the ambiance there was particularly good, but as long as the restaurants were linked to a rising star, they made money. As soon as his career went bottom-up, the restaurants’ customer base evaporated and, by the end of the year, most of them had closed their doors. The entire chain soon went bankrupt, leaving a morass of debt. All of his savings were wiped out, except for a few minor secret “rainy day” accounts.

As his career spiraled down, he jettisoned almost all of his stock characters: Fancy Yancy, the black riverboat gambler, somehow no longer gripped him, nor did Rev. Haley Luja, the gospel-pounding preacher, nor Elvis McGurk, the singing middle-linebacker (who, in a parody on the old Gene Autry and Roy Rogers movies, was apt to break out in song -- complete with guitar -- after a particularly vicious tackle). Darleen, however, remained his favorite. Indeed, as his own situation deteriorated, her upbeat and irreverent outlook on life in the direst of circumstances became his mental lifesaver. He found himself looking at the world more and more through her eyes. Towards the end, when he could only find jobs in rather sleazy bars catering to gays and cross dressers, he would appear solely as Darleen, and then mingle with the crowd still in costume. Often he would serve drinks along with the other waitresses. (He actually needed the tips to augment the little money they paid him.) He could even do a little lap-dancing, if absolutely necessary.

When he finally hit bottom, and there were no more bookings, he was still hounded by creditors and reviled in the trade press and tabloids as a sex fiend. In order to escape all that, he fell back on Darleen and sought a job as a waitress, disguising his real identity. At first, he still tried to act like the character he had created so lovingly, but soon found out that in real life, away from the clubs, diners really didn’t want a waitress who talked back or injected wisecracks into their conversation. They just wanted service, quick, efficient, and silent. So, he gave that, and became what they desired, a smiling silent waitress at a small downtown restaurant: efficient, polite, and unrecognized. He earned good tips and appreciation from his boss. Darleen had matured, or in any case changed.

The years passed. Darleen (as we shall now call him, for that is what everyone knew him as) was 35. He lived totally as a woman, and even spent some of his precious savings getting silicon breast implants so that he would be even more natural. He stayed in a rented one-bedroom apartment on the third floor of a nondescript building in a rundown area of the city, commuted to work by bus, and did not have much of a social life. He did not consider himself as a transsexual, or even as a cross dresser. He was just “in hiding”, that is all. Still, no cracks could be allowed to appear in Darleen’s public identity. There were creditors and tabloids out there. But in fact, the creditors had written him off as a lost cause years ago, and the tabloids had moved on to fresher scandals and had forgotten him completely. Darleen didn’t notice, or didn’t want to take the chance, and so remained.

One of the apartments on the floor below Darleen’s was occupied by a Mr. Edward Hammond, a quiet and gentle black man in his early 40’s, who had lost his wife to leukemia ten years earlier and had never remarried. They had no children. He worked as a school-bus driver, sang in his church choir, and spent his evenings at a small bar down the block playing dominoes with his friends and slowly sipping a beer or two (he never drank enough to really get drunk). He would make his way back to his apartment just about the time Darleen returned home from work, and they would often meet in the entrance hall or on the stairs. At first they just exchanged polite greetings, but after a while they would stop and talk about this and that. Slowly but surely, Darleen began looking forward to these meetings, and felt bad if Mr. Hammond wasn’t there when she arrived.

To tell the truth, Mr. Hammond also looked forward to these meetings — he had no lady friends since his wife passed away. One day, he decided to take a big step: the church to which he belonged was sponsoring a picnic on Sunday afternoon, and he asked Darleen if she would care to go with him to the event. He half expected that she would turn him down, but, surprisingly, she smiled and accepted.

Darleen did not know why he accepted Mr. Hammond’s invitation. He was not gay, after all, and certainly was not a woman. But it would be so nice to go out after all of these years, and Mr. Hammond was such a nice person and a real gentleman. It was worth buying a new dress for the occasion, and some new shoes to go along with it. Even if he was not gay, he should still look pretty, and even if he was on the wrong side of 35, he knew he was capable of doing so. Dieting and long hard hours of work on his feet had preserved his figure and he had shapely legs, if he said so himself. Maybe he should get his hair done too, just to complement the dress.

Ed Hammond was also disquieted. He hadn’t gone out with a woman since the days when the prolonged radiation therapy and chemotherapy began to kill his wife’s spirit long before the disease finally killed her body. Well, he couldn’t live alone forever. His polite and pretty neighbor seemed like a real lady, and perhaps, it was time to think in that direction again. He wasn’t that old, after all. Before Sunday, he had better send his suit to the cleaners and perhaps even buy a new tie.

As it turned out, it rained heavily on Sunday, and the picnic was moved indoors, to the church basement. Still, it was a great success. Darleen found many of the church women quite charming, and delighted in talking to them. Ed was clearly proud to show her off to his friends, and acted like a perfect gentleman all afternoon. In the entertainment part of the program, the choir performed several songs, and Darleen was surprised at the richness of Ed’s singing voice. There were also several amateur comics, including one who performed one of Darleen’s old routines, to his amazement. Of course, Darleen didn’t say anything, but clapped hysterically at the end.

As they walked home in the rain, sharing Ed’s umbrella, Darleen thanked him again and again for the wonderful time. As they finally arrived at Darleen's door, Ed took her hand and squeezed it and Darleen, on total impulse, gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Then he quickly went inside. What had come over him? He was not gay, he repeated to himself. He was not gay! But Ed was such a gentleman, and so kind too. He deserved that kiss. Besides, Darleen had to act his part fully, and he only did what any woman would be expected to do in similar circumstances. Yes, that was it, he was just playing his role. He was just “in hiding”, that is all, and needed to maintain his cover.

Ed Hammond, in his apartment, decided that he was in love. It had been so long since a woman kissed him. Darleen was beautiful, and, most importantly, she was a real lady. She was very modest and it was clear that the other ladies of the church were impressed by her. Some of them even told him so. He definitely intended to woo her, though he would do it slowly. Certainly he was not going to let her get the impression that he was a potential rapist.

And so it began. It was slow at first. Darleen worked most Saturdays and Ed sang in the church choir on Sunday mornings, so all they had was Sunday afternoon. Each week they would pick an interesting place to visit — a street fair, the farmer’s market, a new exhibit at the museum, sometimes just a walk in the park to see the flowerbeds. After a while, they took to holding hands. When they parted, they would look into each other’s eyes and kiss each other on the lips. Each of them was reluctant to make a move beyond that. Each was afraid to invite the other into their apartment, since each was ashamed of how frayed and dingy it looked. Neither of them had very much money, but they managed to buy small gifts for each other from time to time.

The situation was hardest on Darleen. He kept on repeating to himself that he was not gay, just hiding out. But, little by little, he also recognized that he was in love with Ed, and looked forward not only to every minute they were together, but also to the touch of Ed’s arm around his shoulders and Ed’s lips on his. He was not a woman, he kept on telling himself, but what exactly was he. He was certainly presenting himself to the world as a woman, and in fact had been doing so for over a third of his life. He realized that he could probably never go back to living as a male, even if he felt secure enough to try it.

Among Darleen’s regular customers at the restaurant was a doctor, Dr. Jayne Mautner, who was rumored, among the other waitresses, to be a specialist in sex-change operations. Dr. Mautner often dined together with one of her colleagues, Dr. Gold, and indeed the two ladies were sitting at their usual table one day, when Darleen decided, on an impulse, that his situation had reached the point where a decision had to be made. When he came to take their order he also, shyly (how different from the “old” television Darleen, he though later), asked Dr. Mautner if he could speak to her about a private matter. “Of course, Darleen,” said Dr. Mautner, “what is the problem?” “This is not the place to talk,” Darleen replied, “can I come to see you at your office?” Dr. Mautner agreed, of course, and gave Darleen her card. They arranged to see each other the following Thursday afternoon, and Darleen duly notified his manager that on that day he would have to take a few hours’ leave because of a medical appointment.

When Thursday afternoon came around, Darleen appeared in the office of Dr. Mautner’s clinic. He was wearing his best outfit, but still felt very nervous and unsure of himself; more than once, he considered turning around and walking away. The receptionist, a bright young lady who introduced herself as Linda O’Day, escorted him into an “interview room”, a comfortable room furnished with a coffee table and several comfortable chairs. (Unknown to Darleen, it also had two hidden video cameras, which recorded everything that happened in it, and microphones which recorded what was said. Later, these videos would be used by the clinic’s psychologists to study his body language. The microphones relieved the doctors of the necessity of taking notes.)

A few moments later, Dr. Mautner and Dr. Gold came in, accompanied by a handsome black man whom Dr. Mautner introduced as Dr. George Mthembu of Durban, South Africa, who was visiting the clinic as part of his sabbatical year. Linda O’Day brought in coffee, tea, and donuts, and then Dr. Mautner turned to Darleen and asked her what she wanted to talk about.

“I am not what I seem to be,” began Darleen, and then the whole story spilled out, beginning with his terrible childhood in the ghettos of Philadelphia, through his meteoric rise as a television star and equally meteoric fall, and ending with his ongoing relationship with Ed. By the end of it, Darleen was in tears, and had to avail himself several times of tissues from the box conveniently located on the table.

None of the doctors had interrupted the story in any way, but when it was clear that Darleen was done, Dr. Mautner took Darleen’s hand in hers, and gave him a warm squeeze. Dr. Gold asked the first question: “In your eyes, are you now a woman?” Darleen looked at her, still wiping tears from her eyes. “If you had asked me that question six months ago, I would have told you definitely no. I was in hiding, that is all. But now, frankly, I am not sure. I have been doing a lot of introspection of late. I considered coming to this appointment dressed in men’s clothes, and even went to some stores to shop for them, but I looked so odd in them, and felt even odder, that I quickly gave up the idea. Whatever I am, it is clear to me now that I will be living the life of a woman for the rest of my days. Moreover, ever since I met Ed, I must admit that I am less sure of whatever male identity I have. I am very confused at the moment, which is why I wanted to see you. It is a very hard thing, and very hard to explain. I hope you can understand.”

“If I had to answer your question,” continued Darleen, “I would say that I am not now fully a woman, but I want to be, if I can be.”

Dr. Mautner gave Darleen’s hand another squeeze. “Don’t worry, we understand it very well; we have all been through it. That goes for me, for Dr. Gold, for my receptionist Linda, and even for Dr. Mthembu.” Darleen look up, amazed. “Don’t be so surprised,” Dr. Mthembu laughed. “I studied medicine in the United States, and Dr. Mautner and I were classmates. At the time, she was a male named Jay and I was a female named Gloria. We even dated a few times. One year the male medical students voted me as ‘the person whose anatomy they would most like to study’. Of all of those who took part in that poll, I think that only Jayne would still vote the same way today.” (He winked at Dr. Mautner; this was apparently an old joke between them.)

“Let me explain to you a bit of my own philosophy,” began Dr. Mautner. “Until 200 years ago, it was very rare for a person in Europe to have travelled more than 50 miles from his or her place of birth. The course and limitations of a person’s life were determined by where that person happened to be born. Similarly, a person’s occupation and status in life were, for the most part, predetermined: the son of an aristocrat was destined to be an aristocrat; the son of a farmer was destined to be a farmer; the son of a fisherman was destined to be a fisherman. Physical and social mobility have allowed us to overcome the shackles of location and lineage -- people immigrate to other places in the world, and are not bound by the profession or social status of their parents. In a similar way, we can now overcome the shackles imposed by the body. You can surgically repair birth defects that once would restrict if not totally determine the life you could live. You can take growth hormones to overcome dwarfism, or insulin to overcome diabetes. You can also alter your sexual organs to make them in greater harmony with your perceived gender identity. One no longer has to say that you must be such-and-such because you were born with a penis or a vagina any more than one says that you must be such-and-such because you were born in the slums of Philadelphia or because your father was a laborer.”

“Our object in this clinic,” continued Dr. Mautner, “is to allow you to construct a harmonious whole person according to your wishes and desires. I am not interested in theories or generalities about gender. I am interested in you, the person before me. We will do our best here to work with you to delineate what the person will be, and then make the changes in your body, if necessary, to bring that person into being. Would you like us to help you?”

“I would like it very much,” replied Darleen, “but I doubt if I can afford it.” “Oh, don’t worry about that,” said Dr. Mautner. This state requires your employer to carry medical insurance for you. Since being a woman is part of your job description, most of what we do should be covered by the insurance, at least in part. Trust me on this, my legal staff is used to handling insurance companies. As for the rest … well I guess I will just have to take it out of your future tips.”

Spontaneously, Darleen hugged her.

Once the decision to go ahead was reached, Darleen entered what would be a long and agonizing process. Since he had already been living as a woman for many years, and looked good, there was no pressing need for any cosmetic surgery, only sexual reassignment surgery. Darleen also did not need training in deportment, speech, or many of the other aspects of womanhood that transitioning transsexuals have problems with. The main problem was mental. In his own mind, Darleen had to make the switch from being a “he” to being a “she”. In this, Dr. Gold and her staff realized that she faced an unusual challenge. Usually, in dealing with transsexuals, the client already thinks of herself as a woman, and the problem is to match the body to the perceived gender. In Darleen’s case, it was a matter of solidifying the newly-perceived female identity to match the already-existing female image and lifestyle. Since the surgery would surely help in that direction, it was decided to proceed with that as quickly as possible, and then have a period of intensive counseling to help Darleen get over the psychological aftershock.

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~*~
Would this plan work? Well, that is another part of the story.
 
To Be Continued...

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Author’s note: While the initial inspiration for the character of Darleen came from the late comedian Flip Wilson and his character Geraldine (whose famous line, “what you see is what you get” has become a definite part of the language), it should be clear that the story bears no resemblance whatsoever to events in Mr. Wilson’s life, nor was it ever intended to suggest that such a resemblance exists.

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Drs. Mautner and Gold were well aware that their decision to perform sexual reassignment surgery on Darleen, and do it as quickly as possible, was a risky one. They well knew that Darleen was not a transsexual in the classical definition of the word, and that he did not consider himself a woman “inside”. The psychological shock following surgery would certainly be greater for him than for others. After SRS, there is always, of course, the effect of realizing the final and irreversible loss of what men call their “crown jewels”. This is not just a passive matter. The patient must actively dilate her new vagina for an extended period of time after the operation, driving home that loss in a most unavoidable way. Transsexuals are able to handle this because they saw themselves as women to begin with. How Darleen be able to deal with it was a very open question. Of course, Darleen had been living as a woman for nearly ten years, and was very much in love with a man. The psychological tests that Dr. Gold and her staff performed on Darleen showed that her thought and emotional patterns were much more feminine than masculine. The shock from the operation might be just the thing needed to push Darleen to finally recognize and embrace a feminine identity.

In order to be more certain of the outcome, Darleen himself now entered a long and complex process. Before she could have any surgery, she had to undergo a battery of psychological tests, administered by Dr. Gold’s staff, and long interviews with Dr. Gold herself who, while always being polite and friendly, sometimes deliberately pushed Darleen into emotional tight corners and blind alleys, to see how he would react.

In one such session, for instance, Dr. Gold prodded Darleen to tell about his days as a television star. Darleen was surprised at how little he could remember. The big mansion (Darleen couldn’t even remember the address), the flashy cars, and the seemingly-unlimited supply of ready underage girls all seemed like something in a long-forgotten dream world, one he didn’t even miss. He could not even recall the name of the girl with whom he was photographed at the baseball game. (Dr. Gold’s staff had, in fact, tracked the girl down, though they didn’t contact her. After the incident, she had been placed with a caring foster family who were able to get her back on track emotionally and mentally. She finished high school successfully and later married the boy who took her to the senior prom. After he finished college, they moved to Arizona, where he now ran a very successful small chain of dry-cleaning establishments. The couple has three girls one of whom, ironically, is named Darleen in memory of her father’s late sister.)

Dr. Gold also asked about his dreams. In his dreams, Darleen was definitely male. It had always been so. Often he dreamt he was a James-Bond type secret agent, or an astronaut, or some other very macho character engaged in a dangerous and difficult assignment. Unfortunately, in trying to accomplish those tasks, he would inevitably run into difficulty and would be saved, if at all, at the last minute by a woman who unexpectedly came to his rescue. Dr. Gold asked him to think of what such dreams could possibly mean, and let him come up with various interpretations. However, she did not offer one herself.

When Darleen would come home from some of these exhausting sessions, she would often feel depressed, and the situation was made harder by the fact that he dared not share any of this with Ed. Sometimes, he would lie in his bed for hours, wondering if he had done the right thing by agreeing to this procedure. He realized that the mantra, “I am not a woman, I am not gay, I am just in hiding,” which he had used over the years, was sounding very hollow. He would clearly never be able to live as a man again, even if he decided to try it. When, before going to his first meeting with Dr. Mautner, he had tried on some male clothes he looked ridiculous — a woman dressing up. No, there was clearly no way back. Moreover, he was in love with Ed, he really was, and he knew that that love could only be realized if he really became a woman, as he presented himself to the world.

It would be nice to be a woman, but Darleen knew he wasn’t one … yet. Could surgery turn him into one? Dr. Mthembu had given him a long explanation of sexual reassignment surgery, complete with a PowerPoint presentation. Darleen really couldn’t concentrate on it. He kept on looking at Dr. Mthembu — a fine, lithe, handsome man, as only African men could be. He was thin but solidly built, muscular, with a neatly-trimmed moustache and flashing eyes. One could imagine him running in the 200-meter dash in the Olympic Games. (Darleen didn’t know it, but, while still a girl just out of high school, Dr. Mthembu, was in fact on her country’s the track-and-field team in the Pan-African games; like many African runners, she ran barefoot.) Dr. Mthembu had been born a woman! Darleen had asked him for a “before” picture of himself, but he refused. Then, one day, Darleen noticed on Dr. Mautner’s wall a group picture of her graduating class from medical school. In one of the front rows was a beautiful black woman with the same flashing eyes. Was this Gloria Mthembu? Standing before him, George Mthembu exuded masculinity — would Darleen exude femininity after Dr. Mautner worked her magic? Dr. Mautner and Dr. Gold were so very feminine, and they had been born men. So maybe it was possible after all.

The person who lived that life of a famous television star was no more, and clearly could never be back again. But the person who was here now was not the woman. That was the problem. The physical matters, Dr. Mautner and Dr. Mthembu had assured Darleen, could be taken care of. But could changing the body also change the psyche? Darleen could not come up with an answer to this conundrum, no matter how hard he tried. It all boiled down to one question: is the psyche something that we are born with and independent of the body? If it is, then Darleen felt he had no hope, for no amount of surgery could make him into a woman “inside”, any more than living the role for the past 10 years had made him into a woman. But could the psyche itself be changed through surgery on the body?

Somehow, Darleen knew the key lay with Ed. If there was anything that could transform him into a total woman, it would be his love for Ed and Ed’s love for him. He had to bring Ed into the decision-making process somehow, without telling him what was really going on.

Darleen had a meeting with all three of the doctors scheduled for Tuesday. On the Sunday before that, she took the unusual step and accompanied Ed to church. There, silently and intensely, she prayed for some sort of divine guidance in finding the right way. After church, he and Ed went, as planned, to the Botanical Gardens to look at a new exhibit of tropical flowers. However, it was very clear that Darleen’s attention was not on the blooms. He was silent and distracted, on one hand, while on the other he clung to Ed’s hand tightly, like a child afraid of losing its parent. In each beautiful flower, he looked for an answer to his problem. Can the dull bud I am become a blossom?

Ed sensed something was very wrong. Finally, he ushered Darleen to a bench, hugged him tightly, and begged that, whatever the problem was, Darleen share it with him. “I have a medical decision to make.” Darleen began. “My doctor is concerned a large growth which I have, and wants to remove it. He assures me that the growth is benign, and that the operation is routine, but I am still scared.” “Go for it,” Ed answered. “These things are better gotten rid of.” “If they do operate,” said Darleen, “I will probably never be able to have children.” “It is a risk one has to take,” Ed responded, and hugged Darleen tightly. “Having children is important, but having you is more important. I love you very much, Darleen, and I know that love can change the world, if only we let it.” Darleen hugged him very tightly, and silently prayed that Ed’s love could and would cause the change in her for which she yearned.

“While we are sitting down,” he continued seemingly nonchalantly, “there is also something I have been meaning to ask you.” “What is it, honey?” said Darleen. “Will you marry me?” said Ed, taking from his jacket pocket a small box containing a beautiful diamond ring (the same ring he had given to his late first wife). Darleen was utterly startled. “Are you serious, Ed, even after what I just told you?” “Yes,” he replied. “I love you, Darleen, totally, forever, and unconditionally.”

“And I love you, Ed, … yes, yes, yes, yes, yes I will marry you.”

When Darleen met with the doctors on Tuesday, she didn’t waste any time. “I definitely want the operation. I want it as soon as possible.” When Dr. Gold asked her what prompted the decision, she just held up her hand and showed off her ring. “Ed proposed?” asked Dr. Mautner excitedly. “Yes, she said, “and I accepted. I want to be a total and complete and splendid woman for him. The wonders you do with your scalpel will help, but Ed’s love is the catalyst that will make it all come true.”

Since everything was ready, the operation was scheduled for the coming Friday. From a technical point of view, it was a great success, and Dr. Mautner said, afterwards, that she considered it one of her best jobs. The recuperation took time, of course, and there were more than a few psychological crises along the way, as was to be expected. But Darleen, with the help of Dr. Gold’s support and Ed’s total love, overcame them all. Six months after the operation, she and Ed were married in the church were Ed sang in the choir. Dr. Mautner and Dr. Gold chipped in to give the couple a big present: a honeymoon cruise that included a three-day stop in South Africa, where Dr. Mthembu, who had returned home in the meantime, promised them a very special welcome and promised to be their personal tour guide.