Steve leaves the cocoon of his small town into a world that he's ill prepared to face as hidden feelings begin to emerge. Can he find the courage to accept that he might not be like everyone else?

Chapter 1

“It is easy to see the truth in hindsight but we are often blind during the journey.“

No one was home and Steve found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table. He’d thought about doing this many times and he had to try it. The table was literally begging him to sit down in front of the mirror.

“Why am I here?”

He tried not to give it much thought as he grabbed a tube of mascara and loosened the cap.

After a deep breath, he brushed the applicator over his lashes. He knew he’d done something wrong as his eyes started to burn and when he looked in the mirror and he saw that his eyelashes were now pitch black but so were parts of his eyelids. Tears streamed down his face and he smiled despite the pain. The results didn’t look anything like what he’d expected but he felt a strange feeling in his stomach.

“Steve we’re home!”

Everything was a blur. Steve put the cap back and rearranged his mom’s room as best as he remembered. He ran to his bedroom and into the attached bathroom. Hearing footsteps, he plunged his head into the sink and scrubbed his eyes until they started to hurt. He knew something was wrong because he still felt a sticky weight on his eyelids. A quick look in the mirror confirmed that his scrubbing hadn’t removed much.

A voice came from outside his door, “Steve, can you help me bring in the groceries?”

“In a minute mom!”

Panic fueled his thoughts as he stared into the mirror, “Waterproof!”

As the panic subsided, he started to think.

“Soap!”

He followed this thought with another brilliant idea.

“Washcloth!”

Steve began scrubbing his face like never before in his life. The soap on the washcloth took a grayish hue, which was a good sign. After a full minute of scrubbing, he rinsed his face in the soapy water and looked at the results. Most everything was gone but he missed a few areas. As he picked at the remaining flecks of mascara with a finger, he felt relief.

He took one last look in the mirror and saw bloodshot eyes staring back. He didn’t have time to wait as his mom wasn’t known for her patience. Right on cue, he heard her voice outside his bedroom window.

“Steven!”

He sprinted outside just as she was pulling out the last bag of groceries.

“Thanks for the help.”

“Sorry Mom.”

She started to hand him the bag. “Is everything ok?”

Steve felt his face flush as he stumbled for words, “What do you mean?”

“Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?”

Steve lied, “Nah mom, I just took a shower and got soap in my eyes.”

“Oh … ok. Well you know you can talk to me if there’s something wrong.”

Steve replied, “I know that mom,” not believing a word he said.

Steve listened in to his parent’s conversation later that day.

“Steve lied to me today.”

“Really? What about?”

“His eyes were red and I think he’d been crying. I asked him about it but he said he’d gotten soap in his eye.”

His Dad replied, “Well he did just break up with … what was her name again?”

“Suzanne.”

His dad added, “Yeah that’s it, Suzanne. He told me he broke up with Suzanne because he’s about to go away to school and didn’t want the distraction. Maybe he had more feelings for her than he realized.”

“I don’t know. He worries me.”

“Honey, we’ve done the best we could. All we can do now is pray that he listened. The rest is up to him.”

Steve thought he heard footsteps and retreated to his bedroom.

“If they knew the real reason my eyes were red, they’d really flip.”

Chapter 2
(Three years later)

Steve’s hand shook as he dialed the number. After the second ring, someone answered the phone, “How may I help you?”

“Is this the university counseling hotline?”

“Yes it is.”

Steve wiped his eyes. “I’m not really sure what to say”.

“You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. Let me ask you a few questions and maybe hearing my voice will make you feel better.”

The woman paused which Steve assumed was so she could pull out a card with the appropriate line of questioning.

“Anything you say is totally in confidence and won’t be repeated outside of this phone call.

I’m here to help in any way that I can. If you don’t mind answering why did you call?
“I just needed someone to talk to.”

“Are you thinking about harming yourself?”

“No…. I mean … a little maybe … I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“Like how? “

“I keep having these thoughts, bad thoughts.”

“Have you hurt anyone?”

“No not like that. It’s like …” Steve took a moment to blow his nose. “It’s like I’m just different and I want it to stop.”

“Many people feel that way. Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“I really don’t. I can’t. It’s just too embarrassing.”

“Have you talked with anyone else about it?”

“Well, I’ve got a friend and I’ve given him hints but I’m sure he has no idea.”

“Do you want to talk to someone else?”

Steve laughed, “Didn’t you already ask that?”

Steve heard her laugh, “Yes you are talking to me but I’m talking about talking to a professional. The school offers professional counseling if you are interested.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“I’m going to need to give me your name, address, and a contact number. Are you ok with that?”

Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. “You aren’t going to send someone to my house are you?”

The woman laughed again, “Not if you promise me you are ok.”

He realized she already had his information from caller ID. That made even more nervous that he could expect a knock on the door any moment.

“I promise.”

“OK. Dr. Johnson had a cancelation tomorrow morning at 9am. Will that work for you?”

“At this point, anything will work for me.”

“9am it is then.”

Steve added, “I’m tired and I think I want to go to sleep.

“Are you feeling better?”

Steve thought about it for a moment then answered, “Thanks, I really think I am.”

“That’s what we are here for. Just make sure you make it to Dr. Johnson’s office tomorrow. She’s really great. I think you’ll like her.”

Steve hung up and lit a cigarette. As he exhaled, he looked at it,

“Just another bad habit I’ve picked up in the last year.”

He walked into the bathroom and saw mascara had run down his cheeks but he’d expected that. He scrubbed the makeup from his face and watched as the colors washed down the drain.

Chapter 3

As his father had always reminded him, Steve liked to stand out from the crowd. A look at the pictures from his senior prom was proof of that. Everyone else wore standard issue black or white tuxedos while Steve wore a maroon tux with a pink shirt and cumber bun. The fact that it was a perfect complement to his date’s dress was secondary.

He had to be different.

Steve had gotten used to standing out from others from his success in sports. Although he wasn’t very tall (only 5 ft. 9 inches) or big (150 lbs.), Steve was the starting wide receiver on the high school football team. A desire to improve his speed led him to the track where he surprised even himself by winning the county championship in the mile. This success put him popular with his classmates and made it easy to find dates. Turning dates into girlfriends was a different story altogether but he never gave it much thought until he met Kathy.

"Dammit! Why am I so weird?"

Steve got to the therapist’s office 15 minutes early and filled out the paper work. He handed it to the receptionist who told him that Dr. Johnson would be available in a few moments.
A short while later, a short woman with brown hair walked into the room.

“Steve?”

He nodded and she waved him in.

Like all guys his age, Steve did an immediate overview of Dr. Johnson -- late 30s, decent rack, and great legs. As she walked to her office, he noticed a few other things. She wore very little makeup but what she wore highlighted her features. The business suit was just a bit shorter than he imagined most women her age would find comfortable but her legs made it work. On her feet, she wore black 2-inch wedges that Steve imagined would be more comfortable than heels.

He shook his head. Two years ago wouldn’t have noticed any of the subtle details. He’d gotten worse.

Dr. Johnson interrupted his thoughts, “Your file is marked urgent but you left the questionnaire blank. What brings you to my office today? ”

Steve wasn’t sure how to answer. “Well …. You see…. Ummm… It’s like this. Well, I’m not sure.”

Dr. Johnson smiled as Steve continued to stammer, “How about we start over? My name is Angie Johnson. I’m a certified counselor and have a degree in clinical psychology. Why don’t we just chat for the next hour and see where that gets us. I will take a few notes and I want you to keep in mind that anything that you say in this room will stay between us. Sound good?”

She held her hand out to Steve.

Steve took her hand and shook it, “Sounds fair.”

“Why don’t we start with you telling me about your past. It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular. I just want to hear some things you’ve done in the past 5 years.”

This subject was easy for Steve and he told stories of his mom, his dad, and his hometown. He spoke about his success in sports, his faith, and his life goals which consisting of graduating then getting a good job.

Doctor Johnson interrupted, “I noticed you didn’t mention dating?”

Steve felt uncomfortable. “I’ve had plenty of girlfriends, just none worth mentioning. I like to play the field.”

“Do you consider yourself a ladies man or were any of these girls more special than the others?”

Steve said, “I went out with a girl named Kathy for six months but that didn’t work out.” He looked at the floor.

“Tell me more about her.”

Steve felt himself unable to speak. Why did she have to ask about Kathy? They went out and she broke up. It was as simple as that. He answered, “She was great. We just didn’t work.”

“Why not?”

Steve was getting annoyed. “It just didn’t.”

“I take it she ended it.”

“Yeah.”

“When was that?”

“About six months ago.”

“Are you dating anyone now?”

Steve said louder than he meant. “No.”

Dr. Johnson paused for a second before continuing. “What about sleep? Are you getting good rest every night?”

“Not really.”

“Any idea why?”

“Not really.”

“Any interests outside of class?”

“None really.”

“What about drugs? Are you taking any drugs that you didn’t want to admit to on your chart? This is just between us.”

“I drink wine but that’s about it.”

Dr Johnson wrote something in her notebook, “How much?”

“I don’t know. Maybe 2-3 bottles a week?”

“When was your last date??”

Didn’t they already talk about his dating? “When Angie and I broke up. I already told you that. Doc, this is starting to feel like an inquisition.”

Dr. Johnson didn’t answer and continued to write in her notebook. When she finished, she said, “We are almost out of time so let’s recap th…..”

Steve felt a sudden panic and blurted. “See here’s the thing - I think I’m gay but I’m not sure because I don’t like guys and I know I loved Kathy but she won’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I’m a freak and she might be right because I’m not like other people….”

Dr. Johnson was writing and holding up her hand for him to slow down.

“I mean I think things, things I don’t really understand and I try not to understand but I do feel things and then I act on them and like I started smoking which I hate but I do it anyway and it makes me feel bad but I like it and well … see here’s the thing. I like to dress in girls clothes.”

The corners of Dr. Johnson’s mouth curved slightly as she spoke. “Slow down. I can only write so fast. We are just about out of time but I think we’ve made good progress today.”

This comment surprised Steve, “What? Progress? How?”

“I was concerned when you arrived that your request for this session came from the counseling hotline but when you got here you didn’t want to talk about it. Now you do. That’s progress.”

“It didn’t feel like much.”

“Trust me it was. We need to meet more but for now I’m going to prescribe some meds to help you sleep better at night.“

“That’s it? Doesn’t it worry you Dr. Johnson that I might use them to kill myself?”

“Call me Angie and if you wanted to do that there are many other ways you could do it. A good night’s sleep can cure many problems but if you need to talk, here’s my card. The number can get in contact with me day or night.”

“OK.”

“I have a free slot on my schedule every Thursday at 2pm. Can you meet at that time every week?”

“Sure.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 4

As Steve walked home, he thought back to his freshman year. College for many kids from city is the next step in the process. College for a country boy like him is culture shock of extreme proportions. He often thought it would be like taking someone from the 1800s and sending them to Vegas for a weekend. Many small town kids can’t handle it and Steve knew he was no different. He almost fell over the first week at school when a guy in his dorm introduced himself by saying,

“Hi, I’m Tim and I’m gay.”

A breeze could have pushed him over. He’d never known anyone that was openly gay. People in his hometown never discussed the topic and when they did it was in hushed tones. Tim on the other hand seemed proud of announcing it to everyone.

He laughed when he thought about his first trip to the communal showers after Tim’s announcement. Tim stood naked in the shower and Steve hesitated to enter. Tim noticed it and embarrassed him by asking the group if they thought that Steve was too scrawny to be a proper date for a guy like him. Everyone laughed.

No one seemed to care that Tim was gay and it took a while but eventually it dawned on Steve that Tim was pretty much the same as everyone else. The only thing different was he liked guys instead of girls. Steve tried not to think about the sex part but Tim didn’t make it any easier. He knew Steve was uncomfortable with the subject and he loved to tease him with tales of his sexual conquests. That didn’t stop them from becoming friends.

Things started to feel normal after the shock of the first month. Steve definitely liked the freedom that came with not having his parents around. He learned a new appreciation for alcohol and that gave him the confidence for the first of many sexual encounters. Classes were easy and there was a party every night so it left a lot of time for experimentation. He knew the freedom changed him forever and his dad let him know he didn’t like some of the changes especially since he’d let his hair grow out.

“I’m not paying for you to go to school to come back as a foul mouthed hippie.”

Steve knew his language had gotten bad while he was away but he also knew he’d make a bad hippie as he’d tried to smoke a joint and decided it wasn’t for him. He satisfied his Dad with the comment that his hairstyle copied current trends in Nashville and promised to watch his language in the future.

That first year at school was liberating and once he returned home, he couldn’t wait to go back. The world was much different than he realized and his high school friends seemed boring in contrast to the ones from school. They noticed the differences in him too but mostly that he replaced his normal jeans and a T-shirt with dockers and a button-down shirt. His mom was glad to see him wearing nicer clothes but less so when they went shopping for his sophomore year. The conversation reminded him of the discussion they’d had when he picked out the maroon tux for prom. This time she took a direct approach to voice to let him know she wasn’t happy.

“You want a pink shirt?”

“It will make the girls think I’m sensitive”.

His mom shook her head. “If you say so.”

Steve knew his mom was too reserved to ask a bold question like … “Are you gay?”

Like all mom’s her forte was guilt trips and now, even two years later, he laughed as he remembered their conversation. Even though he was friends with Tim, the idea of homosexuality seemed foreign. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d even understood what the word faggot meant. That was when the story of Johnny Collins made its way around town. Steve was in 8th grade and he remembered the town’s reaction like it was yesterday.

“Did you hear that Johnny Collins boy went off to college and now is a queer? “

“Yeah I heard that.”

“He was such a good kid. Why would he go off and do something like that?”

“Who knows but I really feel for is his mother.”

“Me too. I will say a prayer for them.”

Things like that just didn’t happen in his town. When the scandal broke, he tried to sympathize with Johnny but for the life of him couldn’t figure out why anyone would be gay. Steve knew he liked girls.

The day he bought the pink shirt his mom asked him if he’d run into Johnny Collins. Steve smiled. “No mom. He graduated last year.”

She gave him a blank stare then pursed her lips, “I blame his parents. You have to instill the right values in your kids or that will happen. I know that would never happen to you and your brother because your father and I raised you right.”

Steve did agree with his mom in that respect. He wasn’t gay because he’d been raised right. It was as simple as that.

Chapter 5

Steve showed up early to his next appointment with Dr. Johnson feeling excited to finish what he had started the week before. He hoped she could help him. Today Angie had on a long blue dress, high heels, and a lot more makeup. Steve stared at her technique until he noticed her staring back.

She asked with a slight smile, “Good to see you again Steve. How was your week?”

“Great thanks. I slept much better.”

“That’s good to hear. The root of many problems can come from a lack of sleep,” she picked up her notebook and read for a bit before continuing, “We ran out of time last week so why don’t we pick up where we stopped?”

Steve felt uncomfortable starting the discussion. “Where was that?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “Come on Steve.”

Steve looked at the ceiling and started. “Well. The thing is I don’t know what my problem is and that’s why I decided to come and see you. I mentioned that I’ve been dressing in women’s clothes?”

Doctor Johnson nodded and scribbled a few notes. “Yes.”

“It started last year and I can’t explain it. The first occasion was a stupid costume party. Kathy literally begged me to dress up like a woman for Halloween and we both liked it so much that we used it to role play but she grew bored of it. I found myself thinking about it all the time. I loved the feel of the dress and the makeup and I started wearing it even when I was alone in my apartment. Evenutally Kathy found out. I tried to explain but she freaked out. I told her it wouldn’t happen again but a few weeks later she found my secret stash of items I’d been buying and she wouldn’t listen. We broke up a few days later.”

“Does Kathy smoke?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Just a hunch.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, I never smoked until we met and I didn’t try it until we got serious. I was always after her to quit but I eventually gave in. I didn’t like it much but it seemed to bring us closer. After we broke up, I tried to quit a few times but eventually I found myself doing it all over again. I’m easily up to a pack a day.”

“I noticed you carrying menthol 100s. Is that Kathy’s brand?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you smoke in public?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does it bother you to smoke in public?”

“A bit at first but I got over it.”

“How do your friends feel about it?”

Steve laughed, “Friends? I guess the ones that have seen me were disappointed but they really haven’t said much.”

“What about your parents?”

“They don’t know and I can’t tell them because it would crush them. My dad still holds out hope I’m going to go out for the track team in the spring. I don’t have the heart to tell him I doubt I could jog a quarter mile without needing to stop.”

Doctor Johnson made a few more notes. “Why do you care so much about what your parents think?”

“Well they’re my parents. I mean they always told me that smoking was bad and here I am ignoring their warnings. I know they are right but I just can’t stop.”

“None of us are perfect Steve. How do you know they wouldn’t accept it?”

“It’s just different. I can’t disappoint them.”

The conversation drifted for a while until Dr. Johnson said, “We are almost out of time but I think we are making good progress.”

“We are? We didn’t talk about much.”

“We spent the whole time talking about your feelings instead of the last two minutes. I’d say that’s progress.”

“If you say so Doc.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 6

As Steve walked home, he considered what Angie had said about Kathy and smoking. It’s funny she picked up on that as he’d never connected the two before. All he knew was he really missed her. Everything had all started so promising but then again he hadn’t told the Doctor everything. It was hard to talk about.

His sophomore year started just like freshman year. His new look was definitely a hit with the ladies which lead to a lot more parties and a lot less studying. For some reason, he found he had as many girl friends as guy friends. These settled into a series of platonic relationships, which led his male friends to complain that he needed to share his harem. His response was always, “You guys just don’t understand.”

Things changed when he met Amy and Sue. He met them late one night in a bar and they were nice enough to offer him a ride home. He was a too drunk to give proper directions so they let him crash on their coach. When he woke, he realized they lived less than a block from his dorm and before he knew it, he was spending most of his free time in their apartment. His partying had hurt his grades and Steve knew he needed to pull back from the bar scene. Their apartment became his refuge and they began a routine of drinking wine in their apartment and watching old movies after they finished their studies.

It was nice to have good friends like Sue and Amy though he couldn’t have known they would doom his relationship with Kathy before it started. He remembered the exact date. It was the morning after his 20th birthday.

Steve had been partying all night with his friends and he decided it would be funny to make a late night visit to their apartment. It was a Tuesday night and he woke them before passing out on their couch. As he slept, they plotted their revenge. He woke late the next morning and saw they were gone. He didn’t take time to think about it as he was late for class and ran home to get his books. He didn’t have time for a shower so he put on a hat and ran to class. As he was running, he noticed that people were staring but ignored it. When he got to class, things started to make sense when he noticed his lab partner was also staring at him and she asked,

“Are you wearing blush?”

He rubbed his fingers on his cheeks and saw a reddish powder on his fingertips. He blushed for real as he lied, “I don’t think so”.

At this point, the exertion of running all the way across campus caused him to sweat and it started dripping across his face. She laughed, “Perhaps you aren’t wearing blush but now your mascara is definitely running”.

Steve made a dash for to the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he saw his face was a swirl of colors from the makeover he’d received while sleeping. All the funny looks he’d gotten as he ran to class now made sense. As he scrubbed his face, a memory of his mom’s dressing table flashed in his brain. He scrubbed harder then returned to the classroom.

When he sat, he whispered to his lab partner, “I’m going to kill my friends.”

She laughed, “It actually didn’t look that bad until you started sweating.”

“I’m still going to kill them.”

That afternoon, Amy and Sue broke into laughed so hard they started crying as Steve told them the story. They especially liked the when he told them about the classmate complementing them on their handiwork.

Steve specifically remembered Susan’s comment. “You know, you actually were pretty easy to make over. I think you’d make a pretty believable girl.”

Steve blamed his slender build. It had always been a curse. He’d always been smaller than his most of his friends and his older brother teased him unmercifully by calling him a runt. It didn’t help that his brother had the husky frame of his dad.

Despite the prank, Steve started to spend even more time with Amy and Sue. Nights on their couch became commonplace and their friendship evolved into the closest relationship he’d ever known outside his mom and dad. The fact that it wasn’t sexual didn’t bother him in the slightest which is why the conversation with Sue at the end of the year really made him mad.

“I love you like a brother and I really don’t care if you are but I have to know. Are you gay?”

The question stunned Steve, “What?!?! What do you mean?”

“Just answer the question. Are you gay?”

Steve answered, “Of course not. I’ve slept with dozens of women in the last two years. The number of men I’ve slept with remains at zero.”

Sue didn’t let up. “But you aren’t serious with any of them. You jump from woman to woman without any real intent. You don’t even seem to like women all that much.”

Steve answered sarcastically, “I like you two.”

“That’s the thing. I’m glad we are friends but I’ve practically thrown myself at you since we’ve met and you’ve never taken advantage. Why stay here so much if you aren’t interested?“

Her question hurt, “I like to think it is because I value your friendship.”

“I don’t know Steve. There’s something that isn’t quite right about you.”

Steve didn’t know how to respond. He’d been good friends with Sue for over six months. How could she ambush him with a question like that? He needed to talk to someone and could only think of one person to call that might understand.

Tim was surprised when he called as they’d lost touch since freshman year. They decided to meet at the college union for lunch.

Steve started the conversation, “I have a question and you were the only person I could think to ask.”

Tim didn’t say anything.

Steve asked, “How did you know you were gay?”

Tim smiled. “Why do you ask?”

“Why do you think? “

“I’m sorry it’s just … well… that’s a funny question coming from you.”

“Please, I’m serious and this is tough for me.”

“I know it is and I’m sorry. It’s just that this isn’t that easy for me to talk about either.”

This surprised Steve. Tim had always been open about his sexuality, “But you’ve always seemed so nonchalant...”

“Trust me, it’s an act but I think it is different for everyone. I knew from a young age that I was attracted to men but it was confusing. I mean it’s not like there’s a handbook on these types of things. I didn’t want to be different so when I was a teenager I went on a few dates with girls but it didn’t feel right. It isn’t like I have no attraction to women but there was no spark. I worked through a lot of self-hatred but eventually I went out with another guy. I can’t explain it but it just felt right. I’ve never looked back after that.“

“I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“Then why are you asking?”

Steve stumbled, “Well see there’s this girl. And you see…”

Tim nodded as Steve paused.

“You can’t ever repeat what I’m about to say. You’ve got to promise me.”

Tim said, “OK”.

“I mean really promise me.”

Tim laughed and raised his right arm, “OK. I promise not to repeat what you are about to say.”

Tim had picked on Steve but knew he could trust him. “Thanks Tim. This is just hard for me. You see I’m wondering … well ... I’m not really sure but someone told me they think I might be gay and I’m wondering if they might be right.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I go out on a lot of dates but I can’t seem to find a girl I want to be my girlfriend. Some of my friends have noticed it and even a few have commented on it. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Let me ask you a question – Are you attracted to men?”

“No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Do you ever have gay dreams?”

Steve laughed, “No, never.”

“Are you attracted to women?”

“Definitely.”

“I’m no therapist but you don’t sound gay to me. I had gay dreams long before I ever thought about asking anyone out. I think it was my subconscious mind trying to point me in the right direction but it took me a long time to listen. Do you have many odd dreams?”

“All the time but they rarely involve anything sexual.”

“Your best bet is to talk to a professional but in my opinion you are just an asshole with commitment issues.” A smile crept on to Tim’s face.

“Fuck you too Tim”, Steve said smiling. “And thanks.”

They both laughed as they shook hands before parting, “Anytime Steve. If you do decide to join the other team, look me up. I’ve been told I give a heck of a …“

Steve covered his ears at the start of one of Tim’s favorite taunts, “La-La-La … I’m not listening!”

Finals sophomore year came soon enough and another school year was over. He returned home and was once again amazed to find how little had changed while he was gone. He spent his summer in the fields. It was hard work but the pay was decent. His dad was still complaining about his “hippie hair” and on the hotter days he considered cutting it but decided instead to pull it back into a ponytail. He spent his nights catching up with his high school friends at a local tavern. It seemed like half his class had already gotten married and most of them had kids on the way. He couldn’t imagine settling down that quick.

He loved a few things about being home. Mom had dinner on the table every night at 5:30 and she did his laundry every week. After dinner, Dad was in his favorite chair complaining that the liberal media was ruining everything and that the country was going to hell. Even now, a year later, Steve smiled as he thought about it. The whole town showed up to church on Sundays to hear Pastor Dan give another of his famous sermons. Steve knew he always felt better after hearing one of his stories.

Working in the fields was boring and that gave Steve a lot of time to obsess about Sue’s comment. He thought about talking to Pastor Dan but the whole thing was too embarrassing. Thoughts crept into his subconscious. That summer was when the first dreams occurred but they were nothing like the one’s that Tim described. 2-3 times a week he woke in a cold sweat with the memory of sitting at his mom’s dressing table while Amy and Susan applied makeup to his face. They worked for hours and when they turned the chair to face the mirror, he saw a beautiful girl staring back.

The memories of this dream haunted his thoughts. What did it mean? As luck would have it, his parents were shopping in the city on one of his days off. They’d be away for hours and he couldn’t help himself. Again he found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table looking at the confusing array of bottles. There were all sorts of eyeshadow, a few types of blush, mascara and eyeliner, crèmes and ointments, nail polish, lipstick, and lipliner. He’d never paid much attention to just how much stuff women used to make themselves beautiful. He shaved and did what seemed to make sense. He applied base then quickly added eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara. It took a lot longer than he expected and it was a lot more difficult than he’d ever realized. He even poked himself in the eye again. He added blush then applied red lipstick and lipliner for the final touch.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, he laughed as the image from his dream looked nothing like this. The eye shadow was applied unevenly and he’d put on enough eyeliner to make a raccoon jealous. The blush and bright red lipstick combined to make it look like he was a candidate for the circus. After a last glance in the mirror, he put everything back where he found it and retreated to his room. He sat in bed with a content feeling as the makeup dried. He fell asleep and woke in a panic until he realized his parents weren’t home yet. He hurried into the bathroom and scrubbed his face.

It would have been nice if the shame of that afternoon was as easy to wash away.

This is part 1 of 7 and I plan post another part each week. If you can't wait, you can find the entire story at fictionmania under the name "Small Town Journey".

As Steve finds help and begins to accept his truth, a challenge is set to spread his wings. Someone might be too enthusiastic.

Chapter 7

Steve returned to college for his junior year and that was when he met Kathy. Amy knew Kathy from high school and convinced her transfer to their school. Kathy was unlike any woman Steve had ever met. She smart, sexy with a sarcastic wit and before he knew it, he had fallen head over heels for her. As he thought back, perhaps it was just lust. Whatever it was, he didn’t think long on how it might affect his friendship with Amy and Sue. After Sue’s comments the previous year he was determined to make this relationship work.

Everything was great until the Halloween party.

Doctor Johnson started the next session with a tough question, “Was the first time you dressed as a woman that night with Kathy?”

Steve hesitated.

She broke in, “I can’t help you Steve if you don’t tell me the truth.

“Not really.”

“What do you mean by not really?”

“Well I experimented a little before that.”

“How’d it make you feel?”

“Bad.”

“Why do you think you did it?”

“I don’t know. I just did.”

“Did you masturbate when you were wearing makeup before you met Kathy?”

Steve’s face turned a deep crimson color. “No! Why would you ask that?”

“Are you telling the truth?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“OK. Let’s move talk about after you and Kathy broke up. How does it feel when you wear women’s clothing?”

“I really can’t describe it. I just feel comfortable.”

“Do you get aroused?”

Steve hesitated, “Sometimes.”

“And you’ve masturbated a few times haven’t you.”

“Yes.”

“What do you think about during?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”

Tears streamed down Steve’s face, “I think about being a girl! Is that what you want to hear?”

Angie answered, “Only if it’s the truth.”

“Why would anyone say that if it weren’t true.”

Doctor Johnson continued, “What do you think about after you are done?”

The question surprised Steve, “Huh?”

“After you are finished masturbating. What do you think about?”

“Ummm … I don’t know. Not much. I can’t remember.”

“Do you change back into your “normal” clothes afterwards?”

“No. I pretty much spend my nights and weekend dressed in women’s clothes.”

Angie wrote on her notepad. “You spend all your spare time in women’s clothes?”

Steve nodded.

“What do your friends think of this?”

“My friends don’t know.”

Doctor Johnson looked from her notepad. “How can your friends not know if you are always dressed up?”

“It’s because I’ve become antisocial since Kathy and I broke up. I pretty much spend all my time alone in my apartment dressed in women’s clothing.”

“No one visits you?”

“Nope.”

“How is that possible? It sounded like you had a pretty active social life before you dated Kathy.”

“I did but over the last two years I started to spend all my time with Kathy’s friends. When we broke up, it was too awkward to continue to meet and we lost touch.”

“What about old friends or people you meet in class?”

“I’ve found that if you say no enough times, people will eventually stop asking you to go out.”

Dr. Johnson wrote on her notepad then said, “OK.” She glanced at the clock. ”We are about out of time but I want to touch on one thing before you leave. It worries me that you have pushed all your friends away. You don’t have to tell them anything but I really think it would be a good idea for you to get out of your apartment.”

Steve shrugged, “I guess I could talk to my gay friend Tim. He’d understand if anyone would.”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “Your gay friend Tim? You do realize how bad that sounds?”

“Sorry.”

“What’s your friend’s last name if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Donelson. Tim Donelson”

Steve saw a hint of a smile cross Dr. Johnson’s face, “Ok, meet with your friend Tim and I’ll see you back here next week.

“Thanks Doc.”

Chapter 8

As Steve got home he changed into what he thought of as his “comfortable clothes”. He found the process of putting on makeup to be relaxing and as he started his routine, he thought back to the first night he went completely en femme. Sue and Amy had a huge Halloween party and Kathy suggested that they turn the apartment into a brothel as that year’s theme. Steve would be their pimp and they would be his girls. Sue liked the idea but added her own twist.

“Did we ever tell you the story about Steve’s last birthday? I’m thinking Steve should work for you instead.” Kathy loved the idea.

Before Steve knew it, the girls had planned everything. Sue and Amy were in charge of the costumes and alcohol. Kathy and Steve were in charge of the decorations and food. When the big day arrived and he finished the decorations, Amy and Sue took over.

Amy ordered him into the bathroom to shower and shave. As he was just about finished, Sue knocked on the door, “When you are done put these on. I think you can figure it out.”

She had handed him a pair of underwear but they weren’t like any underwear he’d ever seen before. He put them on and as he pulled them up he realized they were much tighter in certain areas and pulled his penis down and back between his legs. He had a little trouble pulling them tight until he realized he needed to push his testicles up into his body. He still remembered the shiver of that feeling as he tightened the gaff. It wasn’t pain as it didn’t really hurt. Emasculated was close but not quite right either. As he rubbed his hand over his groin and felt nothing there, he got a thrill he hadn’t expected. As he posed in the mirror, he remembered being aroused by the look. He even strutted around the room but stopped as his arousal was making it uncomfortable to walk.

When he exited, Sue and Amy burst into laughter, “That has to hurt.”

He answered, “It ain’t exactly comfortable.”

When they stopped laughing, they ordered him to sit in the chair, “Hurry, we need to get ready too.”

It wasn’t long before they started commenting on his looks.

Sue said, “I never realized you had such high cheekbones. This base really brings that out.”

Amy added, “And I’ve always been jealous of your pouty lips. This lipstick will help them stand out more.”

Steve endured these comments and more as they pushed and pulled his body in unfamiliar ways. They applied all sorts of crèmes and colors until they were finished.

“Done! Kathy come out and tell us what you think.”

Kathy walked into the room and said in a shout. “Wow Sue you were right.”

Sue answered, “Just wait until we get the dress, wig and the other surprises.” The girls laughed.

Steve grew suspicious at the last comment but knew he was at their mercy, “Other surprises?”

Sue’s face took an angry demeanor, “Just sit there and be quiet, bitch. I’m your pimp momma tonight and you are just one of my ho’s.”

Kathy laughed, “Someone is getting into character a bit early.”

Next came the panty hose, which weren’t too bad considering the underwear had already done the tough part. Pulling them up and feeling nothing as the fabric tightened against his front was definitely a new sensation. Next came the padded pants which reminded him a little of the pads he wore to protect his tailbone and hipbone in football. After that a corset was applied which they tied as tight as they could around his waist. Sue explained that the goal according to the salesperson that sold them the items was to give the appearance of wider hips but a small waist.

Next came the bra. Steve had never worn a bra though admittedly the thought had crossed his mind a few times. Sue and Amy had gone overboard on this too as it was a special bra with foam padding to mimic real breasts. As they fastened the clasp Steve looked in the mirror and once again felt himself start to be aroused. Luckily, the gaff held everything in place. The pressure from the bra felt like it actually improved his posture as it forced his shoulders back and his “boobs” out.

“This feels really odd.” Everyone stared back nodding their approval.

Sue and Amy each took a hand and applied extra-long press-on nails to each of his fingers. They were painted deep black and he remembered telling them, “You sure put a lot of thought into this.”

Amy and Sue started to laugh hysterically and Steve started to feel self-conscious. The only thing that remained was the leather miniskirt and matching leather top. After that, they strapped him into a pair of black 3-inch heels and as he tried to stand, he fell back into the chair. He’d never worn high heels before and they were certainly a learned experience. As Sue called for Kathy to see the final product, she handed him the leather whip that matched the outfit.

Steve asked, “Where’s the ball gag?”

Steve remembered the response as something like “We ran out of money.”

He was never completely sure Sue was joking. When Kathy came out, he swore he thought her jaw was going to hit the floor. He felt the same way when he looked in the mirror. It was strange. He knew he was looking at himself but he felt different. It was almost like his dreams had come true. He even felt like a different person, freer somehow.

The party itself was funny as no one paid him any attention until someone mentioned they were surprised Steve wasn’t at the party. When Sue stopped laughing, she spilled the beans. By that time the alcohol was flowing and Steve’s memory wasn’t perfect but he did remember being happy.

The party died down around 1am and went Steve into Kathy’s room to change into something more comfortable. The combination of long nails and alcohol made that impossible. As he sat on the bed trying to take off his heels, a silhouette appeared in the doorframe the whip in hand.

The crack of the whip got his attention and Kathy ordered, “What do you think you are doing?”

“I was taking…”

She cracked the whip again, “No talking or there will be punishments! There is no Steve only Sara.”

Steve smiled as he saw where Kathy was going. “Sara is yours to command.”

The next hour was a blur and Steve couldn’t remember a more pleasurable evening in his life. He was never entirely sure of Kathy’s thoughts as they never discussed it afterward. When Kathy excused herself to go outside for a cigarette, Steve followed. When she lit hers Steve asked for one and Kathy laughed, “Since when did you start smoking?”

“Sara’s always smoked.”

Kathy shook her head at the comment and handed him one. He clumsily put it in his mouth and she lit it for him. After nearly choking after the first try Kathy helped him take his first steps to becoming a smoker. He remembered getting a buzz from the nicotine that bordered on nausea. His last memory of the night was kissing Kathy softly on the forehead and telling her for the first time that he loved her. She said she loved him too.

It seemed like things would be that way forever but it only took another few months before it was over.

Why couldn’t he make it work with Kathy? She was pretty much everything he’d ever wanted. Why did he screw it up? His actions that led to their breakup played constantly in his mind like a bad movie. On the bad nights, it always led to more drinking until he passed out in front of the television.

His college career was almost over and turning out to be a major disappointment. His grades had never been great and now with his recent troubles since he broke up with Kathy, he was dangerously close to flunking out entirely. The conversations with Dr. Johnson helped but he still spent every night alone in his apartment. Maybe meeting with Tim would help. He’d pushed Tim away but he’d always been forgiving.

Steve worked up the courage to call him the next day. “Hey Tim. It’s Steve. How’s it going?

“Not bad. You?”

“Well … that’s why I’m calling. Do you have some time to meet?”

“Sure thing… Student Union?”

Steve took a deep breath, “I was thinking that perhaps you could you come over to my place?”

Tim laughed, “This isn’t some elaborate plot to seduce me is it Steve?”

“If that were the case Tim I’d just say it. You always were a slut.”

Tim said. “And I see you are still the charmer. How about tonight at 7?”

“Sounds great.”

“See you then.”

Steve started to get ready for the evening and he thought about what he’d say to Tim. Meeting at a restaurant would be nice but they wouldn’t have any privacy. It also would have been too easy to avoid the difficult subjects. He decided to invite Tim to dinner at his apartment and spent extra time getting ready. As he looked in the mirror, Steve was reasonably happy with the results but mattered little. Tim would be shocked no matter how good his makeup looked. Steve finished up some homework and heard a knock on the door at 6:55 PM.

”Here goes nothing...,” and Steve opened the door.

Tim stood speechless and a strange look came over his face, “Steve?”

“Yeah.”

“I barely recognized you … err um … nice outfit.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come in and I will explain.”

Tim sat on the couch without a word while Steve grabbed two glasses and a wine bottle. As he poured, Steve tried to ignore Tim’s stares.

“Please stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop staring so much.”

“I’m sorry Steve but this is a shock. I really didn’t recognize you.”

Steve lit a cigarette, “Well, you are the first person that has seen me like this.”

Tim said, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“It’s another bad habit I picked up recently.”

“You should quit.”

“Yep, I should.” Steve took another drag and blew smoke in the opposite direction.

The room grew quiet. Tim sat without speaking for a few moments then asked, “So what do you want?”

Steve felt like he was about to cry but forced himself to speak. “Dammit I don’t know. I just figured I could talk to you.”

“Because I’m gay? ”

“Kinda.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit insulting. I’m probably as messed up as anyone. I hope you don’t think I have any answers.”

“I guess I just figured that you would understand if anyone did. I know you went through a lot freshman year and thought you might be able to help.”

“Yeah that was a tough year. I remember a particular bigoted hick that made my life hell the first semester.”

Steve looked away, “Yeah, I know. I was stupid. I didn’t know any better. Didn’t we become friends after that?”

“Yeah once you took the time to get to know me. I’m over it now but I didn’t like you much at the time.”

“That’s one of the things I’m worried about. I mean I know personally how mean-spirited people can be. I just needed someone I can trust to talk to that I thought might understand. That’s why I called you.”

“I guess that’s fair. I’m no expert though.”

“I appreciate it. You see here’s the thing … I’m so fucking confused. Every night, I get home and I dress like this. I don’t dare let anyone see me so I’m always alone. I wake up the next morning and can barely look at myself in the mirror but as the day progresses, I can’t wait to get home and change again. It’s to the point I feel more comfortable dressed like this but I can’t go outside and it is making me miserable.”

“I’m sorry Steve but I’m really not comfortable talking about this.”

Steve lost control and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I just need a friend dammit!” He looked down as the tears hit his blouse.

Tim put his arm around his shoulder, “I’m here. I just don’t know what to say.” Tim grabbed a towel and wiped the tears from Steve’s face. “But I’m here.”

Steve lowered his head and put it on Tim’s shoulder. No one said a word until the timer on the oven went off. Steve didn’t say a word and went into the kitchen.

Tim asked, “What’s for dinner?”

“Nothing fancy. Just a pasta dish I like to make.”

“It smells fantastic.”

Steve took the food to the dining table and Tim brought the wine. They both ate silently until Tim asked, “How’s the job hunt going?”

“Not great. I’ve let my grades slip and most companies won’t even talk to me. How about you?”

“I’ve got interviews with a few schools so I’m pretty hopeful.”

Steve responded, “That sounds great.”

Tim smiled. “Things sure have changed since freshman year”.

“What do you mean?” Steve said defensively.

Tim said, “I don’t mean anything by it it’s just that I was so sure of everything when I was a freshman. I had all the answer to life’s questions. Now I’m constantly questioning myself. ”

Steve looked down at his outfit and laughed. “Are you trying to say something?”

“Yes and no. Hear me out for a second. I mean I thought I really understood what I wanted from life but things aren’t that simple. I thought all I had to do was to get away from home, get away from mom and dad and everything would be better. I’ve always heard that the toughest part of being gay was coming out. Don’t’ get me wrong it was tough. Telling my parents was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do and the aftermath wasn’t much better as they kicked me out of the house. We’ve mended our relationship gradually and we have come to an understanding. They don’t ask and I don’t tell but the problems don’t stop with your parents. Every day I meet new people and I swear I can almost feel the whispers. It’s getting better but people are so damned judgmental. It’s like I have to come out every day and it can be exhausting.”

Steve repeated his question, “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“A little but I guess I told you that because I really wanted to ask a question. What’s your point of meeting me dressed like this?”

“I really don’t know. It started last year. Actually, it’s actually been going on longer but that’s beside the point.” Steve took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. “I really like dressing in women’s clothing. I’m not sure why but I think it is part of who I am. It’s hard to describe but when I’m dressed like this it feels … right. It’s to the point that I’m always dressed as a woman whenever I’m home. I’ve been doing it for so long that I really look forward to Friday’s when I can be myself for the whole weekend.”

“Two whole days? I thought you said I was the only one that has seen you like this.”

“For the last two months I’ve pretty much ignored anyone that wants to do anything. I shut myself in here and watch TV and smoke a lot of cigarettes.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy Steve. When did you start smoking anyway? I remember you as being an anti-smoking fanatic as a freshman.”

“I was and I am. I know that sounds odd from someone holding a cigarette but it’s just a bad habit I picked up from my ex and I haven’t been able to stop. It’s honestly to the point that I think cigarettes are the only thing keeping me sane and I know that is crazy.”

Tim laughed. “So you are a chain smoking shut-in?”

“I’d put it nicer than that but it’s about right. Every Sunday night I get depressed thinking of Monday. The next day I put on my ‘regular’ clothes and go to class but they don’t feel right anymore.”

“Have you ever thought of going out dressed as a woman?”

“Are you kidding me!?!?!?”

“No. If it is so important to you that you are depressed when you aren’t dressed like that then why not?”

“I just can’t. People will stare. Then they will make comments. Eventually I’m sure someone I know will find out and I just can’t deal with that.”

“Yeah? So fuck ‘em if they can’t handle it.”

“I can’t handle it.”

Tim shook his head, “I know from personal experience there will always be haters. Did you ever go to a therapist like I suggested?”

“Actually I did.”

“And?”

“She’s pretty cool. She was the one who told me I should reach out to a friend.”

“And you thought of me? I guess I feel a little honored.”

“You are the most open minded person I know.”

Tim changed the subject, “I’m glad to hear you are seeing someone. It has helped me a lot.”

“You go to counseling too?”

“That’s why I suggested it. Everyone goes through things they need to talk about. It’s really nice to get another person’s opinion to help through things I can’t work out. Angie has really helped me.”

Steve laughed, “Doctor Johnson???”

“Yeah she’s my therapist. She’s great.”

Steve doubled over in laughter, “Yeah … I know. That’s who I’ve been seeing too.”

“You’re kidding. Seriously? “

Steve nodded, “Yeah, I’ve only seen her for about three weeks but she’s helped me. I told her I was thinking about talking to you.”

“I bet she thought that was funny.”

“Probably. Now she gets to hear about tonight from both of us.”

Tim put his hands on his hips in mock anger, “What makes you think I want to waste my time with the doc talking about your lame ass. I got serious issues to discuss!”

Steve shook his head but he was smiling, “Whatever Tim, do you wanna watch a DVD?”

“Are you changing the subject?”

Steve looked at Tim and didn’t say much for a few seconds. “Yes, and I really appreciate you coming over here.”

“You’re welcome Steve. It is still Steve right.” Tim laughed.

Steve answered, “Oh fuck you. That’s cold.”

Tim said, “I could say a thousand things like that and we still wouldn’t be even for freshman year.”

Steve answered, “Yeah you’re right, sorry about that.”

Tim was smiling. “Water under the bridge man. You just need to learn how to take a joke or you will never make it.”

“Well … I am feeling kind of gay right now so I guess that’s a start.” Steve started the DVD.

Tim said, “If that was an attempt to hit on me, I’m sorry but I’m not into girls.”

Steve turned down the lights and answered, “That’s good because I’m still not into men either”.

The two friends laughed and sat to watch the opening credits. Steve found himself looking at Tim and knew he was lucky to have a friend like him. A mental image of kissing Tim popped into Steve’s head and he forced it out.

When Steve arrived at Doc Johnson office the next week he noticed she was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and had a big smile on her face.

“Tim told you.”

“I can’t talk about a session with another patient.”

“Bullshit.”

“We’re on a real fine line here and I will confirm that Tim is a patient of mine and has been for a few years. “

“I can’t believe he has been seeing a therapist. He’s always seemed so sure of himself.”

“Most people hide their true feelings. Speaking of which, I heard through the grapevine that you had dinner with a friend last week dressed in women’s clothing. That’s progress.”

“Yeah. I decided if I was going to meet with Tim, it was time to share my secret.”

“That’s really great. I think you will find having a friend will be very important.

“For what?”

“We really haven’t talked much about why you called the university counseling center in the first place.”

“You never asked.”

“I wasn’t sure if you were really ready to answer it but I think you are now. Do you know why you called?”

“I think it is pretty obvious since I’ve been shut up in my apartment for almost 2 months.”

“That’s not why you called, that’s just a symptom of why you called. Why did you call?”

“Because I was depressed.”

“I’m sure there was more to it than that.”

“Honestly Doc I’m not sure what you mean. If you think I was going to kill myself I can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind but I don’t think it was a serious thought.”

“So why did you call?

“I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because I look in the mirror and don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Did you ever?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t.”

“You mentioned last time you thought you were gay. Why do you think that?”

Steve was getting angry, “Have you been listening to me!?!?”

Doctor Johnson smiled. “Do you have feelings for men?”

The mental image of kissing Tim popped into his head, “I don’t think I do but I’m a bit of a mess these days.”

“At the risk of sounding like a professor I want to tell you few things. I personally don’t like the term gay because a person’s sexuality is much more complex than one word can possibly describe. Not everyone agrees but I personally like to think that sexuality is made up of four things – genetic sex, gender identity, social identity, and sexual orientation.”

“That made no sense.”

Doctor Johnson laughed, “I didn’t think it would but I wanted to introduce the concepts. Next week is Thanksgiving so we won’t be able to have our normal Thursday meeting but I’d like you to check out a few books from this list at the library. They will give you a much better understanding.”

“That’ll work out since I’m planning on spending the whole time in my room.”

“Aren’t you going home to be with your family?”

“Yeah, I meant my room at my parent’s house.”

“Part of the reason I wanted you to go out with Tim was to get you out of the house. That didn’t work exactly as I expected so now I’d really like it if you made an effort to socialize with some of your friends back home.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can ask. I’d also like you to tell your parents about your smoking.”

“What? Why?”

“Let me ask you … Did you smoke over the summer?”

“Yeah but I only did it when they weren’t around.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if they already knew especially if your mom still does your laundry. Things like that are hard to keep a secret. Honesty is usually your best option and you really should tell them. None of us are perfect and the main reason parents get disappointed is they don’t like to see their kids repeat their own mistakes. They will adjust in time.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“How do you expect to ever figure out who you are if you are always lying about yourself to others?”

“All right doc, I’ll think about it.”

Doctor Johnson looked at Steve and it felt like she was trying to read his thoughts. “It’s a start.”

“OK.”

“We are almost out of time but I have to ask one last thing.”

Steve nodded.

“I have a colleague that is doing testing for a research project and I think you might be a perfect candidate. He’s got an opening the Monday after Thanksgiving and I’d like you to see him. His research will be helpful with our discussions and I hope to have the results at our next meeting.”

“Sure, whatever.”

“You don’t sound sure.”

“Sorry, this has been a tiring session and your earlier comments have me worried about my trip home.”

“Are you nervous?”

“A little.“

“That’s normal. You’ve got a lot on your mind and you really need to relax. That’s why I gave you homework.”

“If you say so. I’ll try.”

That’s all I ask. See you in two weeks.”

“See ya doc.”

Tim called a few days later and after gossiping about their separate meetings with Dr. Johnson, Steve realized that Angie had asked Tim to follow up. It was great to hear from him and they agreed to meet for drinks the next night.

Tim saw Steve across the bar and sat down at his table, “Oh hey Steve. I almost didn’t recognize you without your mascara and lipstick.”

Steve looked around to see if anyone heard.

Tim looked apologetic. “Sorry Steve but I wasn’t kidding when I said you need to learn to not be so sensitive if you ever plan to go public. It was a hard lesson for me and some people aren’t as accepting as others.”

“Are you ever going to let me forget that? Sorry. I was a jerk.”

“That’s not what I am saying. After you got to know me we became friends but there are many ignorant people in the world that aren’t that open-minded. You can’t let them get you down.”

Steve changed the subject, “Hey speaking of my issues….” He smiled and pointed under the table. Steve had pulled up a pants leg to reveal he was wearing a pair of stockings under his pants. “I thought I’d try it out. Honestly it’s feels great.”

“That’s great. Small steps.”

“I never considered looking forward to cold weather but I’m already thinking of all the different things I will be able to try once it’s sweater season.”

Tim shook his head, “Oh my god, I’ve created a monster!”

They chatted aimlessly for hours like any good friend then said their goodbyes. As Steve walked home, he felt great. It had always bothered him how badly he’d treated Tim when they first met. He’d said some really stupid things but Tim never held a grudge. If Tim were vindictive, he now had all the ammunition he needed to get back at him but Steve trusted Tim. He was pretty sure people in their situations couldn’t afford to lose true friends.

Steve goes home for Thanksgiving and finds it a different world than the one he left.

Chapter 9

Steve replayed the sessions with Doctor Johnson in his mind during the drive home. He wasn’t sure if they were helping but he knew he felt better after their talks. He’d even checked out the books Dr. Johnson had suggested. He’d made one other life changing decision and quit smoking cold turkey. He had been smoke free for almost 8 hours and had bought some nicotine gum to help him get through the weekend.

The house looked the exactly same as he pulled into the driveway which seemed jarring as his world felt like it was spinning out of control. As he entered, he heard his mother at her usual spot in the kitchen.

“Hey Mom I’m home.”

She didn't answer but he knew she probably didn't hear his call. He'd recognized most of the cars in the driveway and he knew how much she obsessed preparing for weekends like this to make sure everyone was comfortable. He definitely recognized Grandma and Grandpa Robinson's car, a few Aunts, Uncle Sal, and a few of his cousins. He knew his brother wasn’t there yet as mom had told him earlier he’d gotten delayed at work but she expected him to arrive later that night.

Steve took a quick shower and sat down on his bed to relax after the long drive. Nothing had changed in his room in the three plus years since he’d left for school. The room felt comfortable but it felt a little like putting on an old baseball glove. It still fit and somehow it wasn't the same anymore. He closed his eyes to try to sleep but the tick of the clock on the wall held his focus. He'd won the clock at a charity event in the 5^th grade and while the clock lost a minute every hour he never had the heart to throw it out.

Thoughts of his childhood set off a wave of panic so he picked up the two books he’d checked out from the library earlier that day. The one called ”Human Sexuality” looked too big so he started reading the book called “Undoing Gender” instead. He had only read the first first few pages when his dad knocked on the door.

“Dinner’s about ready. Wash up and come to the table to get something to eat.”

Steve noticed his dad’s eyes pause for a moment on the bigger book sitting on his night stand. He saw his dad open his mouth as if he was about to say something but then he turned and walked out of the room without another comment.

Steve shouted after him, “Be there in a second Dad.”

Steve put the books in his book bag and put the bag under his bed. There was no sense in leaving it out as he knew that would only invite more questions. The buzz of the conversation got louder as he walked up the hall to the maelstrom of a family holiday.

His family loved to get together and the best part was always the conversations at the main table. At past gatherings he'd always managed to be a passive bystander since he usually sat at the children’s table. Since his brother was late his dad invited him to sit with the grownups next to his Uncle Sal.

Sal gave a curious glance, “How’s school?”

“Not bad. I have final exams in two weeks then one more semester and I’m done.”

“Any job prospects?”

Steve felt himself blush as he lied, “Not yet but I’m still interviewing.”

Sal nodded, “It’s a bad time to be looking for a job.”

“No doubt.”

His dad changed the subject as Steve's mom placed a plate of vegetables and some dip on the table, “What was that book I saw you reading earlier?”

Steve knew his face turned from a slight blush to full panic crimson. He looked around the table but six pairs of eyes gave no quarter.

“Um… it’s from an elective class I’m taking called “Human Sexuality”. It’s a class about um … men and women and their … err … relations.”

Steve jumped as Sal’s hand hit him in the back,

“A chip off the old block eh? You know your dad was quite the ladies’ man back in the day until my sister got her claws into him. You’re smart to learn how they think. I'm twice your age and I still don't understand women but I know I’d give anything to be 21 again.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Stop it Sal! You’re embarrassing the boy.”

“Sorry mom.” Uncle Sal said. Steve heard his cousin Sandy’s laughter from the kiddie table and he gave her a cross look.

Steve’s dad seemed annoyed by the change in topic and he changed it back, “What kind of class is that to be taking? You are a business major.”

Steve tried to calm himself. “I needed an elective.”

“I hate to think I’m paying good money for a class like that.”

Steve responded without thinking, “Technically the money is from the trust Grandpa Kelton set up for me in his will.”

No one said a word and Steve watched as his dad’s face reddened like his own. Steve had never been so bold as to contradict his dad in public but he'd gone too far with his lie to turn back now.

“Look Dad, electives outside your major are required to graduate and besides, this is one of the most popular classes in school. I was lucky to get in.”

Steve felt Uncle Sal's hand on his shoulder in what he hoped was a sign of support while his Dad grunted something under his breath about what he thought of the so-called liberal education at the state universities. A few moments later their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door and followed soon after by a shout from his brother Keith and the sound of his wife and children as they walked down the hall.

“Happy Thanksgiving everyone!”

Steve saw his Mom glance towards the sky in what he though must have been a quick prayer of thanks. She followed it by saying to the whole group, “Perfect timing. The food is about to come out of the oven.”

While the commotion of the newcomers distracted everyone, Steve retreated to the safety of the kiddie table and spent the rest of the evening in grateful silence then hurried to his room.

Steve knew he should be studying for finals but “Understanding Gender was a relatively short book and he finished it about 3 in the morning. The book was different than anything he’d ever read. The main premise was that sex and sexuality were much more complex than he'd ever realized. The first and most important component of sex of course was genetics but there were other factors. The book focused on three three things: Gender ID, Social ID, and Sexual Orientation.

Genetics was easy to identify as all it took was a test. If you were born XX then you are a genetic female. If you were born XY then you are a genetic male. For many people sexuality stopped with genetics but the book explained it further.

Gender ID was how someone saw their gender.
Social ID was how other people viewed a person’s gender and sexuality.
Sexual Orientation in its most simple form was the attraction to the same or opposite sex.

It could get confusing as any person could be born male or female, see themselves as male or female but look/act to outsiders as a male or female and be attracted to either males or females.

A straight man was born male, saw themselves as male, could look male or female and was attracted to females.

Some people believed that attraction to the same sex was a learned trait while others felt you were born that way. The most frustrating part was no one knew what caused it. The book was adamant that no one was really 100% male or 100% female in terms of social ID, gender ID, or sexual orientation.

Steve got out a notepad. At the top he wrote down “Who I am?” with the header M <----> F.

The first category was easy to answer, Genetics - Male. 100%.

He wrote down ”Sexual Orientation”. Steve knew he was attracted to women but his recent thoughts about Tim worried him. He didn’t know where these thoughts came from or why he had them. He only knew that he could not ignore them so he wrote 80% Male.

Next came “Social ID”. This was tough question to answer as he’d always tried to emulate his dad’s gruff nature but he didn’t know how well he’d been able to pull it off. After all, this was someone else’s opinion of his masculinity and he couldn't control that. He knew his high-pitched voice and small frame didn’t help much. He settled on 60% Male.

The last was “Gender ID”. This was the toughest and as he'd learned, the root of all his problems. How did he see himself? After 20 minutes of struggle, he wrote 50% Male and went to sleep.

Steve woke to a shout, “Happy Turkey Day!”

Steve pulled his head out from under the covers and saw his mom standing in the doorway.

“What time is it mom?”

“Time for you to get up. I let you sleep in as I know you were up late studying but everyone else has taken their shower. The rest of the family will be getting here soon so you need to get ready.”

“Ok Mom.” It was nice to know that some things didn’t change. His head hurt and he knew he could really use a cigarette. He popped a piece of nicotine gum in his mouth and headed to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later, he walked into the chaos of a family holiday.

He waved to his mom as he entered, “Food smells great.”

“Oh great you’re ready. Can you go pick up a few things from the store? Here’s a list.”

“Sure thing.” He grabbed the list and the keys and started to head for the door.

His cousin Sandy asked, “Can I come along?”

Steve said, “I’d appreciate it. I imagine the store will be crazy this morning with last minute shoppers and I could use the company.”

He was right – the parking lot at the local grocery store overflowed with cars and they had to park down the street. As they walked through the parking lot, Sandy raised her hand, “Hold up a second. I need to do something first.”

Steve shrugged. “OK.”

Sandy gave him a queer look then looked him straight in the eye, “I need your promise to keep this between us.”

Steve said, “Um sure… whatever.”

She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lit one and took a deep inhale, “Ah damn I really needed that.”

Steve must have had a shocked look on his face because Sandy added, “Remember our promise.”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“You know me. I’m the rebel in the family.”

Steve knew that wasn’t really true. Sandy was the product of the marriage between his Uncle Sal and Aunt Margerie though technically she wasn’t his Aunt anymore. They had gotten a divorce when Sandy was ten and for years the family grapevine was full of gossip about Uncle Sal and his wild child. Sandy and Steve were born a year apart and they had been close as kids but didn't see each other much anymore as she lived “with the hippies” in the city as his dad described it. Since then Steve had only seen her on rare holidays but it was never the same. He was glad to hear that she recently seemed to have turned her life around and enrolled in college.

As he waited for her to finish Steve said, “I hear you got into school”.

“Yeah. I’m going to nursing school. I’m in my second year.”

“And the smoking? When did that start?”

“Oh it’s a bad habit I picked up at work. I work part-time as a waitress for extra money and dealing with all the idiots can be stressful. I saw the other waitresses go outside for a smoke breaks to relax and I figured … why not? Now I can’t stop.”

The pressure in Steve’s chest that had been building for two days was becoming unbearable as he watched Sandy take another drag. It was like a hunger but he wasn’t hungry. Without thinking, he popped another piece of gum in his mouth but he knew it wasn’t the same.

Sandy laughed, “Was that nicotine gum?”

Steve tried to change the subject, “Let’s get the groceries. If we take too long Mom will wonder if we got lost.”

“So it was nicotine gum! I bet you’d love to have one of these”, she said as she waved the pack in his face.

“I don’t smoke.”

Sandy smiled, “Uh huh … sure.”

They got the groceries without incident and Thanksgiving day settled into a series of usual patterns. Mom had made more food than they could have eaten if they were double their number. The television was on in the living room and all the sports fans had congregated there. Dad stayed in the dining room and held court to explain to anyone that would listen about politics and the moral decline of America. The grandmothers ended up in the family room which was where all the latest gossip could be heard. Steve usually shuttled between all three but as he knew all father’s speeches by heart and the football game was a blowout he went into family room to make his appearance.

“… so is it true she is shacked up with …” Aunt May stopped talking and everyone stared at Steve.

Steve said with a snarkish grin. “So who is doing what to who now?”

Everyone broke into a laugh. “Are we that predictable?” Grandma Kelton asked.

Steve smiled, “I’ve noticed a few trends over the years.”

“College is a safe subject. How’s that going?”, Grandma Robinson asked.

“It’s ok I guess. It’s almost done which is good.”

“Have you found anyone special there?” Aunt May asked.

He thought of Tim and forced himself to think of Kathy. “Not really.”

“You gotta start moving boy if you want to have a family.” Grandma Kelton replied with a smile but it seemed less friendly than the same jabs she’d given him as a teenager.

“I honestly haven’t thought that far ahead. I need to graduate and get a good job first.”

Grandma Robinson came to his defense. “That’s smart. Get established first and then settle down. You need to be able to take care of a family before you start one.”

Grandma Kelton sighed, “It’s amazing how time has flown by. It only seems like yesterday that our kids and grandkids were babies. Now we are talking about our great grandkids.”

An uneasy silence settled over the room as the group of women struggled to find something in common with the 21 year old boy. Steve felt the urge to leave like he did every year when they embarrassed him but Aunt May spoke first.

“Does anyone remember the Fourth of July when Sandy dressed Steve up in her clothes?”

Steve turned as the comment caught him off guard. “Huh?”

No one said a word but Aunt May didn’t seem to notice, “You all have to remember that. They did it on Thanksgiving too. I would have loved to have kept a picture. You two were so cute!”

Steve felt his face redden,“I don’t remember that at all.” He had a funny feeling this was a popular topic on the holidays and maybe even had been discussed before his arrival.

Grandma Kelton answered with a straight face, “You were pretty young. Only 7 or 8 year old.”

Steve started to feel lightheaded as he searched his memories but couldn't remember a thing, “That's probably it. I’m going to go get some more food. Does anyone want anything while I'm up?”

No one responded.

As he walked away, he heard Grandma Kelton whisper louder then she intended, “May, you never know when to shut up….”

Steve considered talking to Sandy but she spent the entire afternoon watching football with her dad in the living room. He couldn't get the memory of Aunt May’s comment out of his head and the harder he tried to remember the more frustrated he grew. Everyone left after the 2^nd game so Steve's only remaining option for information was his mom. He had to find out more but didn’t want to press too much as he knew he was treading on dangerous ground that might invite uncomfortable questions.

Steve said, “Aunt May told a funny story today. She teased me about the time when I was 8 years old and Sandy dressed me in her clothes. Do you remember it? I don't remember doing it.”

His Mom had never been much for deep philosophical conversations and she didn't say a word for a few seconds. “You probably don’t remember because there was no reason to talk about it. We were at your Grandma’s house and you walked in to the living room dressed one of Sandy’s skirts. You had this big silly grin on your face and everyone laughed but I certainly didn’t and neither did your father. I’m surprised you don’t remember.”

“Not even a little bit. She said I did it more than once“.

“Yeah, you did it again on Thanksgiving. You really don’t remember this?”

“I really don’t.”

“I would have thought that second night would stick in your mind since your dad gave you quite a spanking. We even had Pastor Dan talk to you about it. Thankfully there was never a repeat.”

Steve felt bile rise in his throat, “Yeah. I can’t believe I did that.” He popped another piece of gum in his mouth.

The next day seemed boring in comparison to the holiday as the house was nice and quiet. Everyone had gone home though Steve heard that Uncle Sal and Sandy were spending the weekend at Grandma Robinson’s house. Steve spent most of Friday studying though he managed to squeeze in a few chapters of the “Human Sexuality” book. His head was starting to hurt as the gum wasn’t working anymore and he knew his lungs ached for a cigarette.

The phone rang about five o'clock. It was Sandy.

“I’m bored.”

“Me too.”

“Want to meet at Conrad’s at 8pm?”

“Sounds good.”

There wasn’t much to do in town and that was especially true after hours. Most businesses closed by 7pm and all of the restaurants were closed by 9. The one exception was Conrad’s Bar and Grill, which while it was technically a restaurant, no one went there for the food. Some folks had made a push to close it down but the sheriff convinced them it was safer to have all the drunks in one spot. Over time, the locals began to joke that if you wanted to see the police after 10pm all you had to do was go to Conrad’s. They were always there.

Steve got there a bit early and found Sandy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette.

“Want one?”

It took all Steve’s willpower shake his head no, “I don’t smoke.”

“Still sticking with that story?”

“Yep.”

“Your loss.” She crushed what remained of her cigarette under the heel of her shoe and they entered the bar.

Sandy shouted over the music, “This place hasn’t changed a bit.”

Steve shouted back. “Does anything around here?”

A woman walked by and let them know to pick any seat and she’d be over to serve them in a minute. The place was about half-full with the regulars sitting around the bar. Steve saw a few familiar faces but it was still early. He had hoped to see a few people from school but figured most of them wouldn’t show up until later. He started to order a glass of wine but changed it to beer when he realized he was at Conrad’s. He doubted they even stocked wine. He took a few sips of beer as he watched Sandy sway to the music. The silence felt uncomfortable so he decided to force a conversation.

“How often do you get back to town?”

“Almost never. I visit the grandparents occasionally but I usually meet dad halfway. I’m bored out of my skull here.”

“It’s not so bad. I miss it.”

“It can be nice but you know how cliquish it is. I’ve never felt welcome since Mom left town. I do miss you though.”

Steve smiled, “Yeah, we used to have a lot of great times together. I had to look out for my little cousin.”

Sandy said, “Who are you calling little? You’re not much bigger than me.”

Steve raised his arm to order another round of drinks.

Sandy asked, “So let’s cut the shit. Why won’t you admit that you smoke? You’ve been going through a ton of that gum. It’s not like I care.”

“You are a chicken too. Didn’t you make me promise not to tell the grandma? Does your dad know?”

“Yeah he does but just didn’t want any of the relatives finding out. They already hate my mom. This would be just one more thing they’d say was mom's bad influence. I can hear Grandma Robinson now, ‘That woman can’t raise a proper child!’ I swear I hate the holidays.”

Steve laughed, “That was a good Grandma Robinson impersonation but if you must know I smoked for a while but I quit.”

Tracy smacked the table, “I knew it. How long have you quit?”

Steve gave his cousin a broad smile, “Going on about 60 hours now.”

Sandy said, “You haven’t quit, you are just hiding it from your folks.”

Steve shook his head, “I don’t smoke anymore. I’m done.”

Sandy pulled out her cigarettes and grabbed one out of the pack. “If that’s the case I hope you don’t mind if I do.” She lit the cigarette then did a slow inhale and blew the smoke right at Steve. He wasn’t expecting it and couldn’t help but inhale some of the second hand smoke. He closed his eyes as his body screamed for more.

“Goddammit Sandy. Give me one.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because now I feel bad ... It’s like I’m corrupting you.”

“Cut the shit Sandy.” He drained his beer and motioned to the waitress. “Bring us another round and two shots of whiskey.”

Sandy said, “Are you trying to get me drunk? If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to take advantage of me. Even this county has rules against that kind of thing between cousins.”

“No, I have decided that I am getting drunk and you are welcome to join me. “

“That sounds like fun.”

When the drinks arrived Steve picked up a shot glass, “To getting drunk!” They clinked shot glasses and Steve downed it in one gulp. As the warmth of the alcohol coursed through his system, he felt the effects as it spread through his body.

“Sandy. I’m not kidding. Give me a damned cigarette.” This time she passed it to him and he lit one. He inhaled and felt the tobacco smoke as it entered his lungs.

“Ah … I really missed that.” He exhaled and smiled at his cousin. “Where’s that waitress? I need another drink.”

Chapter 10

Steve felt pain everywhere and it hurt to open his eyes. He lay on the bed without moving for as long as he could stand it as a series of questions formed in his mind.

“Where am I?”, “How did I get here? “, and “Did I do anything stupid?”

Steve answered the “where” when he moved his head enough to see he was in his room at his parents’ house. That lead to a panic-stricken thought of “how” as images from the previous night flashed in his mind. He remembered drinking a few more drinks while he and Sandy solved the world’s problems. After that, they took over the dance floor which was easy since no one else was there. Then he remembered having a few more drinks but everything was fuzzy. He remembered a bunch of people from high school showed up and he introduced them to his cousin. He vaguely remembered hitting on a girl that was about 3 years younger. She told him she’d always had a crush on him in high school and he'd considered doing something about it but … oh damn… he remembered running for the back door. Everything went black after that.”

His Dad walked in the room as Steve tried to piece everything together. His dad flipped the switch and the bright light hurt Steve's eyes so he covered his face with a pillow.

His Dad said, “I bet you feel like shit this morning. Well you should. Now take a shower and get dressed, we have things to do.”

Steve tried to move but pain shot through his head. “Dad we need to talk…”

“Oh believe me we are going to talk. Now get your ass out of bed. I mean it.”

Steve stood unsteady on two feet and barely made it to the bathroom before falling to all fours and as he spent the next minute dry heaving into the toilet. When it was obvious his body had no fluids left, Steve turned on the shower and got in. The hot water felt great on this body and he wanted to close his eyes but every time he tried, the whole world seemed to spin and he felt himself falling. He leaned against the wall to steady himself and stood there until the water started to get cold. He still felt sick to his stomach but he did feel much better after the shower.

As he walked up the hall, he noticed the unmistakable smell of bacon coming from the kitchen and the nausea returned. As Steve walked to the source of the smell he took a deep breath and muttered under his breath.

“This is not going to be fun,”

Mom was at the stove but didn’t look at him when he entered. Dad was sitting at the head of the dining room table reading the morning paper and ignored Steve. Steve sat and didn’t say a word. Whether it was due to the hangover or the situation his head started pounding again and he rubbed his temples.

His dad noticed. “Head still hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

His Mom placed a big glass of orange juice and two aspirin on the table. Steve thanked his mom but she didn’t respond as she walked back into the kitchen to finish cooking.

His dad took the opportunity. “You know you really scared your mother last night.”

“I’m sorry dad. I know it was stupid. Umm … can you remind me what happened?”

His dad's face looked grim. “That doesn’t surprise me. We were watching television about midnight when a car pulled into our driveway. I figured it was you but a minute later I heard a knock at the door and saw that Deputy Carter had you in the back of his cruiser. It seems he found you behind Conrad’s on all fours emptying your stomach by the side of the steps. Since you were in no shape to drive he brought you home.”

Steve remembered Sam Carter from high school. He was a captain of the football team and had graduated a few years before Steve. Steve remembered him as a hell raiser but a good guy.

“That was nice of him.”

“He could have put you in jail for drunk and disorderly or worse he could have waited until you got in your car and pulled you over for DUI. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know.”

“You stunk of puke and alcohol and god knows what else when you got home. You mother used a washcloth to clean you up and put you to bed. She was worried that we needed to take you to the emergency room to have your stomach pumped but the bartender assured the deputy it wasn't necessary as most of what you'd drank was already on his back porch. That didn’t stop your mom from waking every hour to check on you. You owe her an apology.”

“I’m sorry dad.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her.”

His mom entered the room with a large plate of waffles and bacon. Steve wasn’t sure he could keep it all down but there was no way he was going to refuse his mom at this point. Steve broke the uneasy silence. He had to explain.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some problems I’ve been having. It's embarrassing to talk about but my grades have fallen and I'm sure no companies will recruit me. I don’t have any job prospects and probably won’t have any until long after I graduate.“

His mom interrupted, “You were doing so well…” His dad raised his hand to let Steve finish.

“I was doing well mom but the last year has been tough. I never mentioned it but I met a girl I really liked last year. She broke up with me right after spring break and I didn’t deal with it very well. I’m still not dealing with it well.” He started to cry. “I really thought she was the one.”

His mom put her hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m sorry to hear that son but I’m sure you will get over it. Time heals all wounds.”

Steve tried not to laugh as his mom had a corny saying for every issue. “I know you're right Mom but I haven’t handled the breakup well and picked up a few vices in the meantime. Kathy was a smoker and I picked up the habit from her. Now I can’t seem to stop.”

His father frowned and his mother looked at him with what Steve hoped might be sympathy. His mom said, “You should have listened to me when I told you that you shouldn’t smoke. Not only is it bad for you but it is impossible to stop once you’ve started.”

His dad cut in, “It’s not impossible if the person tries hard enough.”

Steve had heard this argument a thousand times and hoped it might move the focus from him. His parents had both been smokers before they got married but quit when his mom was pregnant with his older brother. Mom started up again after Steve was born but his dad never did. His mom tried to quit occasionally but it never lasted very long.

“Believe me I know mom and I’m trying.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth and he also knew he was leaving out a lot of important details. “I don’t want you to think my drinking has gotten out control too. Last night was the first time I’ve gotten that drunk in two years. I learned my limits the hard way in my freshman year.”

This time his Dad interrupted. “That’s no excuse son and we are going to make it up to your mother. First, I’m going to drive you to Conrad’s to get your car. The longer it’s there the more people are going to talk though it’s probably pointless. Second, you see that pile of wood in the backyard?”

Steve nodded.

“Winter’s coming and I need to you split those logs for the fireplace. After you finish that, we will figure out what you are going to do next.”

Steve’s head began to pound but he knew better than to argue, “Yes sir.”

The day went a lot smoother than Steve thought possible when he woke. At first, his head exploded every time the axe hit the wood but after a while, he started to feel better and by the end he was almost back to normal. He spent the rest of the afternoon stacking the firewood, raking leaves and helping put up the Christmas lights. After they finished, his Mom called out for dinner. When they finished eating, he headed to the living room to watch some TV but his dad stopped him, “No TV for you. We have one last thing to do today.”

Steve knew he wasn’t in any position to argue and got in his dad’s truck as they headed to town. It surprised Steve when it stopped at Conrad’s. His dad turned to him and said, “Last night’s events reminded me of something I’ve forgotten to do with you that my daddy did with me a long, long time ago.”

They sat at the bar next to the other regular’s and Steve’s presence raised a few eyebrows.

His dad introduced them, “Hey guys, I’d like to introduce you to my son, Steve ... Steve, the guys.”

After shaking everyone’s hand, a few of them made a few sly comments about his performance the previous night. Most of the night was still fuzzy so Steve just smiled and waited for the torment to end.

His dad came to his rescue, “I seem to recall a few evenings where you were in the same position Pete. Frankly it’s happened to us all once or twice.”

Steve looked to his dad and realized he was staring at him. His dad shouted to the bartender, “A beer for me and my boy.” His dad was still looking him as he took his first drink. After another sip he said, “Son, you will make many mistakes in life and you have to take the good with the bad. God knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes and it is how you deal with the adversity that counts. I drank a lot when I first married your mom and my personal hangover cure was chopping wood. It got me out of the house and away from her tears. A side benefit was I found the exertions made the headache go away. I’m not excusing what you did but I’ve been there too.” He drained the rest of his beer. “Finish that. I don’t want your mother to worry.”

Steve forced himself to take another sip and left half a beer on the counter.

As they walked out Pete shouted after them, “Leaving so soon?”

Steve's Dad said, “Yep. We have an early church service tomorrow. You boys have fun.”

As they walked to his truck, Steve’s father tipped his hat to Deputy Carter who was sitting in his normal spot. As they left the parking lot, his dad said to Steve, “You can only find true happiness in life when you learn from your mistakes. I hope you are a better man than I am because it took a long time to figure out what was important. Without your mother, it might not have ever happened.”

As they drove home in silence, Steve wondered what his dad would think about him if he knew the truth of his problems.

Steve knew he could expect teasing the next morning at church but he’d forgotten the ruthless efficiency of the local grapevine. Sandy was standing by the entrance and the whispers stopped when he approached. He sat next to his cousin, “It seems like we are local celebrities today.”

“You’ve noticed that too.”

“Yeah. It’s probably a good thing I need to get back to school.”

“Thankfully, me too.”

The service started and Pastor Dan had chosen immorality in America as his subject. He interspersed current events with a few Bible verses, added a few hymns and the result was a masterpiece. Pastor Dan had been pastor for longer than Steve had been alive and there was no doubt the man was a master at his craft. When he finished his sermon, Steve figured everyone in the church had made a personal vow never to sin again. How long they kept to that promise was up to the individual. Of course, Pastor Dan would be waiting next Sunday to renew the cycle.

Steve loved going to church. It always gave him a sense of hope that few other things ever did. Today he had a few questions for Pastor Dan. He approached as everyone filed out of the church.

“Pastor Dan, do you have a few moments?”

“Sure Steve. What can I do for you?”

Steve had spent most of the service thinking about how best to broach the subject.

“I’ve got a class in college about human sexuality. I was a bit surprised to learn the other day that mom caught me in a dress as a young child and you worked with me to make sure it didn’t happen again. I’ve been trying to think of a topic for my thesis paper and thought that might make a great subject.”

Pastor Dan looked at Steve in silence before answering, “I’d be happy to answer any questions Steve. Let’s go to my office.” They entered the office that consisted of a very plain desk, two chairs and a filing cabinet. Vague memories of sitting in this office flashed in his mind.

Pastor Dan started talking as soon as Steve sat, “You know Steve you were always a … um … I’m really not sure the best way to put this. I guess I’d say you were a very delicate child. Your parents came to me when you were about 8 years old. As I’m sure you know, I’m a big believer in Bible study so we met once a week to talk about Bible verses that covered the subject. Other than that we prayed and asked for God’s help.”

“I remember meeting with you but I didn’t know that was the reason. I always enjoyed our chats.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed them. It’s the reason I’m here. After you understood proper behavior, we started meeting about once a month until you were about 12 years old.”

Steve felt his face grow hot and felt the sudden urge to leave so he stood. “Thanks Pastor Dan. That’s great. That will help a lot.”

Pastor Dan called after him, “Is there anything else you like to discuss?”

Steve stopped in the doorway but he wasn’t sure what to say. “Umm … no … why would you ask?”

“Some of the people in my flock have really good ears and even bigger mouths. I heard about the incident at Conrad’s on Friday. I’m here to talk if you need me.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief, “I appreciate that Pastor Dan. I really do but I’ve got to get going. My grandma is probably wondering where I am since I’m late for lunch.”

Pastor Dan nodded, “Well we can’t have that. I’ve had a few conversations with her about her lack of patience but it never seems to do any good.”

They both laughed as they walked out the door.

Steve got to Grandma Robinson’s house a short while later. The food was on the table when he walked into the dining room.

Grandpa Robinson saw him first, “There he is… we were worried you’d made another trip over to Conrad’s.” Everyone laughed but Steve saw the frown present on his Dad's face.

“Nah. I learned my lesson. My head still hurts from that night but I needed to talk to Pastor Dan about something. I haven’t seen him since summer.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Well I’m glad you made it because I have a favor. Can you to drop Sandy off at school? I know it’s a bit of an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be any more than an hour out of your way. That would save Sal a 6 hour round trip and he has to get up early for work in the morning.”

“No problem Grams. I’d love to help”

Sal added, “I really appreciate it Steve.”

Steve ate as quick as possible and motioned to his cousin who seemed as anxious as he was to leave. After a quick round of goodbyes, they hit the road.

As soon as they were out of eyesight Sandy pulled cigarette from her purse.

Steve shouted, “No smoking in the car!”

“Not that again!”

“I’m serious Sandy, my dad bought me this car and I want to take care of it. I’ve never smoked in it and don’t plan on starting now.”

“OK whatever. We need to stop at the first rest stop you see because I’m dying for a smoke right now.”

“I’ll tell you what … there’s a gas station just up the road and we will stop there. I need to buy some cigarettes anyway.”

“I thought you were quitting.”

“I’ll quit tomorrow.”

Sandy laughed at his obvious lie.

Steve filled up the tank and bought some cigarettes. As they stood outside Sandy stared at him intently, “You were crazy on Friday. I thought I was the only wild child in the family.”

“I honestly don’t remember much.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. First you and I did a shot. Then you followed that up with about four more. I like to drink but there was no way I was going to drink that much. Is everything ok?”

“Did mom ask you to ask that?”

Sandy laughed, “Well I won’t lie and tell you that your name wasn’t mentioned while we were waiting but they are just worried.” Steve tried to ignore Sandy's stare. “I didn’t say anything to your parents but after about your 5^th beer you said a lot of surprising things.”

This revelation made Steve nervous, “Oh really? You never know what I’m likely to say when I’m drinking.”

“Well you started talking about how miserable you were at school and that you’d gone to a shrink for help.”

“I did?”

“You did. Is it true?”

Steve didn’t know what to say as Sandy added, “I didn’t tell anyone if you are worried.”

Steve relaxed a little. “Look Sandy it’s like this. The girl I thought I was going to marry dumped me six months ago, my grades suck, and I have no job prospects when I graduate. You could say I’m a little stressed.”

“You told me it’s more than just that.”

Steve felt his anxiety build and sat to calm himself. He turned to his cousin. “It’s complicated Sandy. I’m having trouble right now and I need a friend not an inquisition.”

Sandy didn’t back down, “Steve, you are one of the coolest people I know. I don’t want to give you a big head but I’ve always looked up to you. I don’t mean to pry.”

“Thanks then don’t.”

“But that’s the thing. You know how we both had hangovers on Saturday?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it gave me a lot of time to think.”

“Me too.”

“I mean there’s the incident with your girlfriend, the fact that you are seeing a shrink, and those books in the back seat that I noticed are from the university library not from a class. It’s like you are trying to figure something out.”

“Sandy, I thought you said you didn’t mean to pry.”

“I don’t but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious.”

Steve sighed, “It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got time and despite occasionally being a bitch, I really am a good listener. I’m also good at keeping secrets.”

“Sandy I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then don’t but I’m here if you ever do.”

“I do appreciate that.”

Steve drove home thankful Sandy never returned to the subject.

After he dropped her off, Steve drove to his apartment in a daze. It had been 4 days since he’d had an opportunity to ‘dress’ and he was anxious to get back to school. He’d forgotten how much fun it could be to visit his parents but he missed his apartment. There was no doubt that Doc Johnson would fill a few pads of paper this week.

As he entered his apartment, he smelled stale wine and cigarettes. He’d never noticed it before but then he’d never been away long either. He went into the closet and picked out a nice blouse and skirt combo he’d always liked best then spent over an hour at the dressing table as he took his time putting on makeup. The person looking back smiled at the result. It was good to be home.

Steve returns to school, excited to tell his therapist about the events over Thanksgiving but are things spiraling out of his control?

Chapter 11

Doc Johnson had set up the meeting with the specialist the next morning. Steve arrived just after 8am and after a short wait, he was taken into an office to see a man who appeared to be in his early 40s.

The man extended his hand, “Hi, I am Doctor Robert McPherson. I assume you are Steve Kelton.”

Steve shook his hand, “That’s me.”

“I am a licensed doctor like Doctor Johnson but I specialize in behavior science testing. She referred you as she thought you would make a good subject. First, I want you to know that everything you say is completely confidential. Second, the tests are a series of questions that probably won’t make sense but give me insight into your psyche and help me with a study I’m completing. Third, I’ve given a similar form of this test over the years and only use the information to track behavior patterns, Fourth, your personal information will never be divulged without your consent. Fifth, I am going to give Doctor Johnson a copy of the results as the referring doctor. Are you ok with all that?”

Steve nodded, “Sure.”

“Any questions?”

“Nope.”

“Good. I need you to sign these forms and my assistant will soon be with you and give the actual tests.”

“Thanks.”

Steve signed the forms and when he looked up, he realized Doctor McPherson was gone. He bet the doctor probably did the routine he’d just gone through a dozen times a day. Five minutes later a young woman that wasn’t much older than Steve entered the room and sat down.

“Hi I’m Candace, a graduate assistant for Doctor McPherson. As the doctor already explained, I’m going to give you a series of tests. To ensure privacy, I only know you from the test subject number written at the top of your form. We have a lot of ground to cover so try to answer the questions promptly and not get off topic. Are you ready to begin?”

Steve nodded his head and the questions started.

The doc was right that the questioning wouldn’t make sense. At first, it seemed focused on his background but soon switched in to a series of word problems, math problems, 3-d recognition, and all sorts of nonsensical questions. After the first hour, he was mentally exhausted and was thankful when she suggested they take a 5-minute break. It took another hour to finish the testing.

“How’d I do?”

“There really is no right or wrong answers. I will put all of this into the computer and the doctor will analyze the results.”

“I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“I’m sorry about that but it’s by design. We use different parts of our brains for different functions and he designed the test to get you out of your comfort zone. That makes you respond to the questions reflexively and then we repeat the test for all the different parts of your brain in a random nature. It isn’t foolproof but it gives us a better idea of how your brain works.”

“Well it certainly did something. Thanks for the explanation.”

Steve's nightly routine returned to the one he used before Thanksgiving. Temperatures dropped and Steve took Tim's advice to start wearing other items under his clothes. A daily addition was a sports bra that felt like an invisible shield. He couldn't explain it but it made him feel more confident. He also added to his vice by standing with the other smokers outside of class. He found a camaraderie with the group that he didn't expect as they all stood in defiance of the cold to satisfy their need for nicotine. The sports bra helped with this too as he knew at least one part of him would never be cold.

He'd given a lot of thought to the possibility of wearing a little makeup and in the end decided to wear light foundation to class with the pre-planned excuse of acne if anyone noticed. Steve knew he was getting dangerously close to the line but every step began to feel more natural and every day seemed a little brighter.

It felt like it had been a month since his last visit to the doctor due to the Thanksgiving holiday but it had only been two weeks. Steve wished they had more time.

“Afternoon Doc.”

“Hello Steve. You seem chipper today.”

“I have a lot to talk about. I could fill two sessions easy.”

“Well we better get started.”

Steve told her about his failed attempt to stop smoking and his drunken binge on Friday that ended with the police escort home.

Doctor Johnson laughed, “How’d your parents react to that? “

“They were disappointed but not as much as I would have expected. My dad made me do chores all day Saturday but he took me out for a beer on Saturday night.”

“Your dad sounds like a good guy.”

“He is. I’m really lucky.”

“Is there any particular reason you got drunk on Friday?”

“I don’t know. One minute I was sitting there trying to be good and my cousin was needling me to have a cigarette because she saw my nicotine gum. Next thing I know I’m waking up with a really bad hangover.”

“You have mentioned drinking a before but never whiskey and never to that extent. Did anything in particular set you off?”

“I don’t know I was just mad.”

The doctor made a few notes. While she wrote, Steve changed subjects.

“There was something I found out while I was home that was a bit of a surprise. When I was 7 years old I dressed in women’s clothes. To my knowledge, I only did it twice and only at the encouragement of my cousin but the result was counseling sessions with my pastor. That pissed me off.”

“Do you remember what you talked about as a kid?”

Steve said, “I don’t remember much. I remember meeting with him all the time but I had no idea why we met. I do know the idea of dressing in women’s clothes is a concept that isn’t too popular in my hometown. He told me that we talked about Bible verses that discussed morality and that we did a lot of praying.”

“It sounds like you have a lot of people that care for you in your hometown.”

“They do but they wouldn’t understand this. It’s not like I want to do this. I feel like I have to do this. Hell, I don’t even understand it but those books were a big help.”

“Oh yeah. Which ones?”

“I checked out 'Human Sexuality' and 'Understanding Gender'. I'm still working on the first but the last one made the comments from the last session make more sense.”

“How’s that?”

Steve pulled out his notebook. “After I read it I put this together. The way I see it I’m like 100% genetic male, 80% sexual male, 60% social male, and my gender ID is 50% male. In other words, I’m more in touch with my feminine side than most guys.”

Doctor Johnson laughed, “I think you are oversimplifying Steve but I’m glad the books got you to think. Let me ask you a tough question that I’ve been holding off because I wanted you to do a little soul searching. It sounds like you have done that so here it is – we’ve briefly talked about your crossdressing but not much about you. There are many reasons people crossdress. Some people crossdress to roleplay with their partners, some crossdress for sexual stimulation, and others crossdress because they just like to crossdress. There is another group that crossdresses that feels like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body. I noticed that you said you identified yourself as 50% male but when you are alone you live 100% of the time alone as a female. Why is that?”

“Wow doc.” Doctor Johnson looked at Steve but didn’t say a word. “You sure ask tough questions. I really don’t know.”

“Then let me ask you this … why only crossdress in private?”

“I just can’t do it in public. People would stare.”

“That may be true but let me ask you another question. Have you ever had fantasies about being changed into a woman?”

“Occasionally.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “How did you feel in your fantasy as a woman?”

“I loved it.”

“One last question – Imagine I could change you into a woman with no repercussions. Let’s say you were a woman and no one else ever knew any different. Would you do it?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I mean I like the idea a lot. If no one knew any different I think I would. Yeah, I like that.”

“Why?”

Steve thought about it for a while then spoke, “Because it would make me happy. Because I think it might be who I am.”

Doctor Johnson jotted down a note then asked, “So am I hearing you right that the only reason that you don’t change into a woman is because of the ramifications?”

“I guess so.”

“Are you happy right now?”

“I think so.”

“Then why did you drink yourself into oblivion on Friday night?”

Steve noticed the doctor was asking the questions quicker, “I was angry.”

“Why were you angry?”

“I don’t know!”

“Come on Steve. Why were you angry?”

Steve shouted, “I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST SO DAMNED PISSED OFF AT SANDY BECAUSE SHE KEPT WANTING ME TO SMOKE AND I JUST DIDN’T TO BECAUSE I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD SEE AND TELL MY PARENTS!!! SHE KEPT BADGERING AND BADGERING ME AND I JUST HAD TO HAVE A CIGARETTE.”

“Is it possible that isn’t the only reason you were angry?”

“You mean because I wasn’t “dressing”.”

“It’s crossdressing. Not dressing. Crossdressing. You are crossdressing. I want you to say the words.”

“Why?”

Doctor Johnson said, “Because words are important. Have you ever thought why you can’t say it? What you are doing is called crossdressing. That makes you are a crossdresser. Or would you prefer the older terminology transvestite?”

Steve turned his head and answered in a soft voice, “Crossdresser is fine.”

“What?”

He turned around. “You can call me a crossdresser. I am a crossdresser. I like crossdressing! Are you happy?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “A little. Now was there another possible reason why were you angry?”

“Because I couldn’t crossdress?”

Doctor Johnson smiled again. “We are over on time so we are going to have to pick it up there next week.”

“What?I?! That’s not fair doc. I have a lot more to talk about.”

“We will do that next week. In the meantime, I want you to think about why you have so much trouble talking about what makes you happy and who you really think you are. True happiness comes from within.”

“You are frustrating doc!”

Doctor Johnson said, “I know but believe it or not I actually know what I’m doing here.”

Steve stared in anger then turned away.

Chapter 12

Final exams approached and Steve spent most of his time in his apartment studying. He had just started on Saturday when there was a knock on the door. He normally ignored the knocks as it usually was a salesman as his friends had stopped coming by a long time ago. He knew from experience they’d go away after a while.

“Steve?”

He recognized the voice, “Is it? … Nah, that’s impossible.”

His cell phone started ringing about 5 seconds later.

“Steve I know you are in there. I can hear your cell phone and I saw your car outside. Open the damned door!”

Why was Sandy here? He looked at down and saw he was fully dressed … err crossdressed … and had caked on the makeup a bit hurriedly that morning. There was no way he could let her in.

“Steve, I got mom’s car and drove two hours to get here and I’m not going away. Do I have to get the manager and tell him I think you’re dead? You know I will.”

“Goddamn it Sandy!” he thought to himself. He walked over to the door looked through the peephole. He saw Sandy quietly smoking a cigarette.

“Five seconds Steve!”

He shouted through the door, “Goddammit Sandy I’m studying for finals! I don’t have time this.”

She turned on her charming voice and said, “You could at least let me in.”

“Not gonna happen.”

Sandy said, “Steve I already know you are gay. I don’t care if you have a guy in there. I just want to talk.”

The thought his cousin was on the right track caused him to shout a bit louder than he meant. “I’m not gay Sandy!”

“Then let me in!”

“No!”

“Why?”

Steve tried to think of an excuse. “Ummm … my place is a mess.”

“I bet mine’s worse and I’d let you in.”

Steve thought about the situation for a minute and snapped. He knew he might regret the next moment for the rest of his life but the words ‘what the hell’ popped into his head. Steve opened the door.

“Happy?”

Sandy stood silent for a moment and then burst out laughing.

Steve slammed the door then ran to the bathroom. He heard Sandy open the door behind him and heard her shout. “I’m sorry Steve. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Fuck off Sandy!”

“Steve, I’m really sorry!”

Steve could hear rustling outside the bathroom door so he knew Sandy hadn't left. He washed the makeup from his face and changed clothes.

Sandy confirmed she was in the living room when she shouted loud enough from him to hear, “You know it could be worse! I could be your mom.”

Steve couldn't help himself and smiled at the horror of that thought. Five minutes later Steve exited the bathroom dressed in men's clothing. “Let’s get this over with.”

Sandy gave a sarcastic smile, “Get what over with?”

Steve felt himself getting annoyed, “What do you want?”

Sandy said, “I’m here because I was worried about you so I got mom’s car and drove down.”

Steve said, “Did you ever think to call first?”

“Do you think I don’t know you’d say no? I thought I’d surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished.” Steve leaned against the kitchen table and stared at Sandy with his arms crossed.

Sandy said, “For the record, I only laughed because those shoes did not go with that outfit.”

“Jesus Christ Sandy!”

Sandy said, “I’m sorry, bad jokes are how I deal with stressful situations. And it happens to be the truth.”

“Whatever. It’s probably a little late to say this but I’d appreciate if today’s events stayed between you and I.”

“I told you last week I had your back! But since you mentioned it … what was with the outfit?”

“I like to … uh ... cross-dress but I really can’t explain it. The only thing I can say is gradually over time I have found myself intrigued with the idea. It wasn’t something I felt I could do back home but there’s a lot more freedom here at school.”

Sandy asked, “Is that why you stopped seeing your friends?”

Steve said, “How'd you hear about that?” Steve shook his head, “Nevermind, it doesn't matter.”

Steve took a deep breath and continued, “I decided to do this over the summer. The trust fund gave me the ability to afford my own place and I didn’t want anyone to know. I can’t explain it but when I’m dressed up I’m happy. It’s starting to feel like a drug habit and I’m looking for my next fix. That’s why I’m seeing the shrink, that’s why I was reading the books you saw, that’s why I got so mad last Friday and probably why I got wasted.”

“Huh?”

“I was deflecting. I’m learning all sorts of fun things about myself in therapy. You should try it.”

“I probably should. God knows I’m messed up.”

“Too true.” Steve punched his cousin in the shoulder.

“Ouch.”

“In all seriousness Sandy I haven’t been happy for a long time and I’m just beginning to realize it. Our hometown is a big ball of repression and I’ve always tried to do the right thing. I’ve got all these emotions swirling inside me with memories spinning in my head like a pinball machine. Different emotions are starting to come to the surface. That’s why I’ve got the Doc to help me sort everything out.”

“That’s some pretty heavy shit.”

Steve said, “Yeah it is and that’s why I’ve pretty much become a hermit. I can’t even imagine telling anyone at home.”

“That would be tough. Our hometown isn’t the most understanding place but you never know. I’m here and I’m ok with it. I actually think it is pretty cool.”

“No you don’t. I can see you sitting there judging me and you are a lot more understanding than the people back home.”

Sandy said, “Dramatic much? You don’t know how I feel. I admit I’m not exactly used to the idea but give me some time. I’ve had exactly 30 minutes to process it.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Sandy said nothing so Steve gently punched her in the arm again.

“Ouch dammit that hurts.”

“Sorry, punching you seemed like a good way to relieve the tension. It was too quiet and I hate to be like this. I do need you to leave because I really need to study if I’m going to have a chance at a job after graduation.”

Sandy said, “You know that isn’t going to happen. I’ll make you a deal. I had a long drive here and I’m hungry. What do you say we goto the mall and get some food. While we are there we will get you some proper clothes.”

Steve asked, “Proper clothes?”

“Steve, how many outfits do you have?”

“Two full ones with a lot of odds and ends.”

“And you’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 3 months?”

Steve laughed, “I get your point but it’s hard to know what is going to fit from a picture on the internet.”

“It’s too bad you don’t know someone that could get you into a woman’s clothing store without drawing undue attention.”

Steve nodded, “So you are offering to be my cover?”

“Exactly.” Sandy started to laugh then stopped. “Sorry, I don't mean to laugh but I’m still getting used to this.”

Before Steve could think of an excuse, Sandy had him in the mall going store to store looking at dozens of dresses, blouses, shoes, and undergarments. In a few places, Steve was even able to sneak into the dressing room to make sure everything fit. When they got home, Steve looked at the pile of boxes they placed on his floor.

“That was a bit over the top don’t you think?”

They unpacked everything and separated the items into piles of nighties, women’s underwear, bra’s, shirts and pants for casual wear, blouses and skirts for more formal occasions, 4 pairs of heels plus a few pair of flats. Finally there was some cheap jewelry and higher quality makeup Sandy insisted he purchase.

Steve said, “Why did you have me buy so much?”

Sandy answered, “Steve, if you are going to do something you need to do it right. If you are insistent on being a hermit crossdresser then I insist you be the best damned hermit cross-dresser possible. Speaking of which … where did you learn to put on makeup?”

Steve shrugged, “Youtube has some great online tutorials. Why?”

Sandy laughed, “If what I saw this morning was an example of your best work then you definitely need my help.”

“I was in a hurry and I wasn’t expecting company.”

“Uh huh sure... Go wash your face and hair and I will set up out here.”

Ten minutes later Steve was back at the kitchen table.

Sandy said, “Most girls would kill for your hair. It’s so long and has so much body. A good stylist could make this look very cute.”

“Well that’s not gonna happen.”

“That’s too bad. I will do what I can with it. Do you have a curler?”

“No.”

“No curler? Wow. Every true cross-dresser needs a curler. You can have the one in my travel bag. What about tweezers?”

Steve said, “There's some in the bathroom. Why?”

Sandy said, “You need learn to pluck your eyebrows.”

She came back a minute later and started plucking.

“Ouch! That hurts! Stop it.”

“You need your eyebrows plucked if this is going to work.”

Steve said, “You do understand the concept that I don’t want anyone to know about this.”

Sandy answered, “Most guys should pluck their eyebrows they just don’t. Trust me, I know where to stop.”

Steve sat patient as the next half hour Sandy plucked, curled and styled his hair until finally the torment stopped and she smiled at the result.

Sandy said, “I’m no professional but I have to say I did a damned good job. Now go into the bathroom and shave your legs, chest and armpits.”

“Sandy, I’m not gonna do that.”

Sandy said, “Do you know how ridiculous hairy legs look in those hose I saw this morning? Anyway it’s all the rage for guys to shave themselves as it makes them look better. If that isn’t enough to convince you, it’s like 30 degrees outside and you will be bundled up most of the time. Who’s going to notice?”

“I don’t know. You are taking this too far. I just do it in the privacy of my home and nobody can see me.”

“Exactly Steve, why not look your best if only for yourself?”

Steve knew she was right. He said, “I’m know I’m going to regret this.”

As he started to shave Steve looked in the mirror. Sandy had done a nice job with his hair. He normally pulled it back into a pony tail but she had curled it in such a way that gave his hair more body than he thought possible. The eyebrows were noticeably thinner and slightly arched but not to an extreme so he didn’t think that anyone would notice. Five minutes later he finished shaving and went back into the living room.

He crossed his arms, “Damn, it’s a lot colder without body hair.”

“You do realize that women don’t just wear hose in winter just for fashion. Hose or tights are a necessity for me after October if I ever wear something that shows my knees. It's too cold otherwise.”

Steve nodded, “I guess that makes sense. This feels odd though.”

“You get used to it. Sit down in the chair. I’m now going to show you how to apply makeup.”

“This is so embarrassing Sandy.”

“Your complaints are getting old Steve. If I can accept the idea of you cross-dressing, you can get used to the idea of me knowing about it. Now sit down.”

Steve resigned himself to following Sandy’s plan. He’d forgotten how persuasive she could be but it was nice to have a woman's help. Sandy gave pointers on everything from how to best apply mascara and eyeliner, to the colors of eyeshadow she thought complemented his skin tone, and which lipstick to wear. She worked for about a half hour then painted his fingernails with a bright red lacquer they'd bought that afternoon. Just as Steve's patience was about to give out he heard her shout.

“Ta-da! My work is finished.” Sandy turned the mirror and Steve looked at himself. The person staring back looked closer to the person of his dreams than anything he'd ever accomplished.

“Wow Sandy. It looks amazing.”

“I have to admit I can’t believe how different you look.”

Steve watched as his cousin took off her shirt to reveal the lacy black bra beneath.

Sandy asked, “Can I take a quick shower?”

Sandy's action surprised him. Had Sandy gotten so comfortable with the idea of him as a girl that she was willing to start undressing in front of him? It didn't seem possible. Steve nodded his head. “Go ahead.”

Sandy added, “Don’t move from that chair as your nails need to dry. I will be out in 15 minutes.”

Steve was glad for the quiet. He thought back to the day's events while he stole glances at himself in the mirror. It’s amazing what the combination of hair styling, a good eyebrow plucking and the expert application of makeup did to a person’s face. He didn’t recognize himself.

Sandy walked out few minutes later. “You know how everyone has always teased you for looking young but I realized today that you aren’t as young looking as you are feminine. I honestly can’t believe how good you look. If I didn’t know you I probably wouldn’t even notice.” Sandy had the look of inspiration on her face. “That settles it. We are going out for drinks tonight!”

“Huh?” Steve shook his head after he realized what she was asking. “No way!”

“Why not?”

“Do we have to go over this again? I have a lot of studying and I don’t go outside dressed like this. You are like the 4^th person on the planet that even knows about this and you want me to go out in public?”

Sandy said, “It’s not like anyone will notice and if they do … fuck ‘em. I know a lot of women that are a lot uglier than you and you’d be surprised how many people are oblivious to the things that happen around them. That's especially true when they are drunk.”

“I might see someone I know. I’d never live it down.”

Sandy said, “Then we will go to the city. It’s not far and I know lots of clubs there. I promise you that you won’t see anyone you’d know. They’d never recognize you anyway. Let’s finish getting you ready.”

Steve said, “You’ve planned this all along haven’t you.”

“No, but when you told me you hadn't gotten out much I thought back to how you acted back at Conrads. You need to get out more and I decided a day full of shopping, then a makeover followed by a night out on the town were just what you needed. Of course I couldn’t tell you that because you’d never agree.”

Steve pulled off his shirt and started putting on the padded bra. “I forgot how manipulative you were.”

Steve noticed Sandy staring at his shirtless chest. She asked, “Have you lost weight?”

Steve said, “Nice attempt to change the subject.”

“I’m serious. You look skinny. I mean you were always skinny but you are getting rail thin. How much do you weigh?”

“I was about 155 when I graduated high school but that was a combination of mom’s food and weightlifting for football. I wasn't much more than that about six months ago when Kathy and I broke up. When I decided to do this over the summer, I went on a crash diet and I'm sure I'm getting close to 140 lbs these days. Cigarettes can be an amazing substitute for food though I'm sure no doctor would recommend it.”

Sandy laughed, “I'm sure that's true.”

Steve pulled up the skirt and Sandy helped him button the blouse.

Sandy said, “You are only a little bit bigger than an ideal woman your height. Just looking at you I gotta say that you pretty much pull it off.”

“You think? You can’t tell its me?”

“Of course I can tell but I know you.”

“What if you didn’t?”

“I might wonder if I looked. I mean something seems off but then most people aren’t very observant. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“A bunch of guys could figure it out, call me a freak then beat the shit out of me?”

“You worry too much. You were the one that was complaining that you never go out. Here’s your chance!”

“I really don’t want to.”

“Yes you do and besides, I drove all this way and I’m not spending the night playing dress up in your apartment. Either you stay like dressed like that or change. Either way we are going out. It’s your choice.”

Steve thought about it for a few moments. It’s dark, it’s getting late. Most people will be drunk and their vision impaired. It’s not like he’d never thought about doing it. He'd dreamed of a day he could try and its not like anyone would know him.

“Ok, but we have a problem. I don’t have an ID that looks like … this.”

“Leave it to me. You don’t think I only started going to bars since I turned 21 do you? I know half the guys that check ID in the city. Most of them don’t even check the IDs for women. It won’t be a problem. That reminds me. I can’t call you Steve in the bar. What should I call you?”

Steve thought for a seconds and only one name came to him, “Sara. You can call me Sara.”

45 minutes later they arrived at the bar that Sandy said would be perfect.

Steve took a last look in the mirror. “How do I look?”

“Like a guy in a dress.”

“Really?” Steve turned and saw the smile on Sandy's face.

“Just kidding! You look fine. Let’s go.”

The pulsing beat of the music paced them as they walked through the parking lot but the closer they got Steve felt like he was about to pass out. The man at the door saw Sandy and waved her in and Steve thanked god that he didn't bother to look too close at him. Steve arched his shoulders at he passed the threshold. It felt as if a thousand pounds had lifted from his shoulders and he felt like dancing on the spot that Sandy was right. He'd made it in! As a girl!

Sandy didn't seem nearly as affected, “Let’s find a table.”

Steve saw the bright lights cascading through the bar and his nerves returned in a flash, “One in the back sounds good. The darker the better.”

“Umm Sara … do you have a cold or something? Your voice… it sounds deeper than I remember.”

Steve looked at Sandy a bit puzzled for a bit then realized. Oh yeah voice. Steve coughed then attempted to change his voice up about a half an octave. “Sorry had something in my throat. Sound better now?”

“A bit but that’s something you need to work on if you want to leave home.”

“That’s funny. I really have never thought about my voice.”

Sandy just laughed.

They sat down and ordered some drinks. After their second round, Steve inhibitions had lowered to the point where he felt ok to go out on the dance floor.

Steve had always felt self conscious at high school dances. Some of the guys went out on the dance floor but most of them stayed on the sidelines and he was no different. What was it about girls that made them not care? Was it the fact they usually danced in packs?

Steve realized he was mimicking the shuffle dance most of the boys at his high school used whenever their girlfriends forced them out on the dance floor. Arms at the waist, one step right, one step left, add a head bob and repeat. Steve noticed Sandy laughing and stopped to watch her dance for a moment. Her arms and legs didn't seem attached to her body but somehow she kept them in rhythm to the music. Sandy saw him watching shouted,

“Just have fun! Do what you want!”

Steve tried to copy her moves but found it impossible as she had no pattern. The fact he was wearing two inch heels didn't help either. It wasn't like he hadn't danced in heels in the privacy of his home. He'd spent many nights doing little else but that was different. No one was watching. Steve closed his eyes and pretended he was in his living room. He forced a thought that time and place no longer existed it was just him and the music. Steve began to move his arms and felt his hips begin to sway like he'd practiced a thousand times when no one watched. He opened his eyes and saw Sandy wink at him. Around him were dozens of bodies all moving to their own beat. He closed his eyes and imagined he was just another wave in an ocean of bodies as he let the music dictate his next move.

The songs felt like they lasted for hours but Steve felt surprising disappointment when he heard a slow song start. A look at Sandy set them both to laughter again and they headed off the dance floor.

When they got close to the table Sandy shouted over the music, “You know St…Sara. I’m really starting to like this. Before today I’d never thought you and I would ever spend a day shopping for clothes then top it off with a makeover and dancing. Your dancing has certainly improved since Conrad's.”

Steve shook his head but he'd grown used to Sandy's barbs years before. He waited until he sat before answering. “You seem to be pretty accepting of this. Of me.”

Sandy said, “Oh I’m still struggling but not in a bad way. I’m just trying to reconcile the person I knew with the person I see. “

Steve asked, “How‘s that working for you?”

“Honestly it isn’t hard to accept you like this. It fits in an odd sort of way. I mean you’ve always been a little different. As much as you’ve always tried to be your dad it just wasn’t you.”

Two guys approached their table and Sandy started talking to them. Steve's comfort immediately turned to anxiety. He prayed they wouldn't look in his direction but Steve noticed both sneaking quick looks. One of them asked him a question but Steve turned his head and ignored him entirely. Once it was clear he wanted them to leave they moved on to another table of girls.

Sandy said, “Why’d you do that? They were cute.”

“You can’t be serious Sandy. First of all I’m not gay so I have no desire to flirt with guys, second the last thing I need is you hooking up with someone and leaving me all alone and third if I haven’t made it perfectly clear I don’t anyone to find out. You realize this isn’t a game and we are talking about messing with real people.”

“You are overreacting. What did you think was going to happen?”

Steve's face felt flush. “I don’t know but I’m ready to go.”

“Seriously? We just got here.”

“This wasn’t a good idea.”

Sandy asked, “You aren’t having fun?”

“Yes and no. Right now it feels like every person in here is looking at me.”

Sandy laughed, “They aren’t. Guys are here to find cute girls and despite my best efforts you aren’t that cute. I know from personal experience that no one notices the ugly girls until after 1AM.”

That only made Steve's anxiety worse. “Jesus Sandy! Do you really think I want to hear that?.”

Sandy raised her hands in a mock apology, “Sorry.”

Steve explained, “Look. You might be right that no one will care but I know how guys think and if any of them realized I was a guy dressed like this then I’d be the center of attention and not in a good way. It doesn’t matter either way because I just need to leave. Now!”

Steve grabbed his purse and headed for the exit. He was grateful when he heard Sandy follow him outside.

The car ride was uncomfortably quiet until Sandy broke the silence. “OK, let’s move on to Plan B.”

Steve asked, “Plan B?”

Sandy pulled into a convenience store, “Yep. Be right back.” She returned about five minutes later with a case of coolers. “I know this town too well for the night to end at 11pm. We are going to make our own party.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Ten minutes later and Sandy pulled into a park.

Steve said, “It’s a little late for a picnic don’t you think.”

“Nah. I used to hang out here in high school all the time. Lots of privacy.”

Steve lit a cigarette and grabbed a cooler from the case. “Seems quiet.”

Sandy laughed, “It’s not always like this. It’s a bit late in the year to find many people out here.” She lit a cigarette and sat next to Steve. “I just realized the answer to something I was wondering about last week.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t find many guys who smoke 100s and even fewer that would smoke that brand. It is definitely targeted towards women.”

“Honestly I just smoke these because they are what I’m used to. This is what my ex smoked and I picked up the habit by stealing them from her.”

“Do you think about her a lot?”

“I don’t think about her much anymore. I think we are different people. Of course my obsession with cross-dressing took off while we were dating and she couldn’t handle it. I don’t blame her but the breakup was bad.”

Sandy asked, “Why do you do it? Why do you crossdress?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I just need to do it. Like I’ve told you a few times -- I can’t explain it.”

“You seem to be obsessed.”

Steve nodded, “There's no doubt about that.”

Sandy said, “I don’t want to be pushy but I’m just not sure I understand what you are doing.”

“Join the company.”

“That’s a cop out and you know it. It can’t be as simple as that. You aren’t controlled by your urges. Everyone has urges. For instance, I really wanted to have sex with the tall guy who came to our table but I’m here with you instead. I controlled my urges for you.”

Steve looked at Sandy and gave her a smirk, “Thanks for that but that’s the thing. I don’t want to control my urge to crossdress.”

“So instead you’d prefer to live in total isolation.”

“For now yeah. In the long run I don’t know. I just can’t let anyone find out.”

“I’m not sure I’m buying what you are saying Steve… or should I call you Sara. Or does it matter? The thing is you seem to have taken this to an extreme. Do you want to live as a woman?

“I don’t know Sandy. I think I might.”

Sandy didn't speak for a moment, “Wow. I didn’t know it had gone that far.”

They sat in silence. Steve said, “My shrink and I are talking about that right now. She’s taking it slow which is good I guess but I can see from what I’ve read that I’m borderline gender dysphoric.”

“Huh?”

After a long drink of his cooler, Steve explained, “It basically means that my body is one thing but my mind thinks I’m another.”

Sandy asked, “Really? And you think your mind is female?”

“The truth is no one is 100% one or the other in their mind. The real question is whether it is a fetish or a way of life. That’s where I am right now and I don’t know the answer.”

“Are you sure? If I had a magic wand and could wave it and change you so that everything about you is the same except you are a genetic girl would you do it? “

“That’s a silly question because real life isn’t that simple.”

“Why isn’t it that simple?”

“Because I don’t think I could handle the backlash.”

“So instead you sit alone in your apartment just waiting for the day when you get enough courage to kill yourself. Good plan. I gotta tell you Steve … I haven’t been completely honest with you. I didn’t come here on a spur of the moment. Did any of your friends call you this week and let you know that your mom called them?”

Steve shook his head. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Sandy said, “I wish I was. After Thanksgiving Pastor Dan met with your parents and told them he got a bad vibe from your talk. That led your mom to track down some of your friends she knew from previous years and ask about you. Imagine her surprise when all of them said you didn’t return their calls. You know your mom had to be desperate to call my dad to ask me to pop in for a visit. The funny thing is I think they are worried that you are upset about doing bad in school. I doubt they’d ever guess the truth.”

“You might be surprised. Did you know that when we were kids that I had special counseling sessions with Pastor Dan?”

“Vaguely. I remember you had private sessions with him. A lot of us were jealous.”

“Do you remember the Thanksgiving when you dressed me up in your clothes?”

Sandy nodded,“Yeah that was hoot but as I recall it was my idea. Oh god … is your cross-dressing because of that? It's all my fault!?!?”

Steve laughed, “It doesn’t work that way. From what I gathered from my conversation with Pastor Dan I guess I’d done a few other things that worried my parents and that was just the last straw. I’m guessing the counseling sessions were supposed to “cure” me of my abnormal behavior. I don’t remember much though. I was pretty young.”

Sandy said, “That’s terrible!”

“It explains a lot as I look back. All through my childhood I remember being worried that I’d do something wrong by doing it the girly way. I became a great practitioner of watching other boys then mimicking their actions. Why would I do that unless it was something I learned?”

“Wow. What did your shrink say about that?”

“I haven’t told her yet. After I spoke to Pastor Dan about the whole thing has bugged me and I kind of just figured it out in the last few days.”

Sandy nodded, “And so now they sent me up here to spy on you.”

Steve said, “Yeah. I know their hearts are in the right place but I’m pissed right now.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I really don’t know.”

Sandy gave an evil grin, “I have an idea that will piss everyone off, protect your secret and let you cross-dress as much as you want.”

Steve smiled back, “Really? What is it?”

“Come and stay with me and mom for the holiday. I know mom would be cool with it and the only catch is you’d have to trust her. I totally vouch for her though.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Did you ever hear the story of why mom left dad and why she left town?”

“No.”

“Mom’s a lesbian.”

“No fucking way!”

“It’s not something we talk about back home. It’s the real reason mom left dad and why we moved to the city. It’s also why dad’s family pretty much have erased her from all family discussion. Come to think of it … she’d be a great person for you to talk to … if anyone knows about backlash it’s her.”

“That would be nice.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah I think I might.”

“Awesome!”

Steve and Sandy sat quiet as they finished their drinks. Steve broke the silence, “I appreciate you coming here for me Sandy but I really do need to study tomorrow. Will you take me home?”

Sandy agreed, “Well I usually like to close the bars but I admit this has been a pretty eventful day for both of us.”

Sandy left early the next morning and Steve promised to call her later that week once he'd decided. He spent the rest of the day studying frantically as he tried to prepare for his finals. He knew it was probably a futile effort but it was a good way to clear his mind. Tim came over later that night and as they watched a DVD Steve filled him in on Sandy’s idea.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’d love to talk to Doc Johnson but I get the impression that’s one of the reasons she wanted me to reach out to you. You know, give me a support system to help me bounce ideas off and make my own decisions.”

“That sounds like her. So bounce away.”

“I really want to call my mom and yell at her for being so sneaky.”

“Don’t be too hard on her. I’m sure she was just worried about you.”

“I’m sure that is part of it but the more I think about it the angrier I get. You don’t know what it is like living in a rural town. Everyone knows everyone else’s business and there’s a community norm that is expected. I know it’s an excuse but I wonder if my reaction to you was influenced by these people.”

“Trust me you don’t need to be brainwashed to be a bigoted idiot. Most people do that all by themselves.”

“I know you’re right but I was only a little kid. Who knows what kind of damage those sessions did to me?”

“Parents have been screwing up kids since the beginning of time. They are only doing the best they can. Trust me. I have every reason to hate my parents but I feel sorrier for them than anything else.”

“How can you be so forgiving?”

“Why do you think I’ve been meeting with Dr Johnson? It’s taken me a long time to get through my anger. My parents were supposed to support me. I worked up the courage to tell them my most private emotions and they reject me? A guy can build up a lot of resentment in a situation like that.

Steve nodded, “No doubt.”

“I have learned one thing though. Ignoring it won’t make the pain go away.”

“So you think I should go home?”

“I didn’t say that. I think you should do what makes you happy and not what you think will piss off your mom.”

“That makes sense and I’ve made my decision.”

“And…”

“I don’t think I could take 3 weeks of lying to my parents and I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay here either. So that only leaves one option, I’m going to stay with my aunt.”

Tim smiled, “I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to influence your decision but do you remember where I’m from?”

“Sorry I don’t.”

“I live in the city about a half hour from your aunt.”

“That’s clinches it then.”

“We definitely should hook up. I’ve already got a few ideas.”

Tim’s comment gave Steve a mental image he pushed out before it had a chance to form. “Sounds like fun.”

“Now all you need to do is let your mom know.”

“That’s gonna suck.”

“Yep.”

The conversation with his mom was as bad as he feared. He initially tried to soften the blow by saying he was going to stay at school but when it was obvious that wasn’t going to work he confronted her about sending Sandy to spy on him.

“What was I supposed to do? I was worried!”

“I appreciate that mom but I don’t appreciate you butting into my business right now. You don’t need to worry, I’m staying with Aunt Margerie. She doesn’t live far from here.“ That did little to calm her.

“But you’ll miss Christmas!”

“I’ll keep in touch. Aren’t you the one that always complains that I’m always running up your long distance bills when I’m home?”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

“Mom you don’t need to apologize. I just need a little alone time.”

“But you aren’t going to be alone. I’m not even sure what to tell everyone. They are all going to expect you to be here.”

“Mom. It’s just better that I don’t come home right now. Please trust me.” Even though his Mom had never been the emotional type he could hear her Mom crying on the other side of the phone. “Mom please don’t cry. I still love you.”

His Mom shouted, “I’m not crying!”

“Well you are making me want to cry so I’m going to need to hang up. Tell Dad I love him.”

“I love you too son and please call me anytime day or night.”

As he hung up the phone he considered her last comment. She must be worried. He knew it was always difficult for her to express emotions.

He called Sandy after he hung up and let her know the news.

“Fantastic! Mom’s going to be so excited. It’s been a long time since we’ve had family over for the holidays. Usually it’s just me, mom, and Kristy.”

“Who’s Kristy?”

“She's Mom’s live in friend.”

Steve thought about it for a minute then the truth dawned on him, “OHHHH. Well I look forward to meeting her.”

Chapter 13

Steve spent the next 3 days studying and taking his final exams. He knew it would be a miracle if he finished higher than a 2.0 average for the semester as they went about as well as expected.

Doctor Johnson was the only person in the office when he arrived for their Thursday meeting.

Steve saw her at her desk when he opened the door to her office. “I wasn’t sure if anyone was here. This place is empty.”

“Yeah everyone is pretty much headed home for the holidays. It happens every year. I’m glad you didn’t cancel as we really needed to have a follow up before the holiday.”

Steve said, “Yeah I got a little out of control and a lot has happened since then that I need to tell you.”

“Well my 3 pm appointment canceled so we have plenty of time.”

“That’s good.”

“When we left off where you said you felt it was possible that you were angry because you couldn’t cross-dress at home. Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there more to it than that?”

“I think so. I think I was angry because I’ve been able to fool myself that I was living secretly as a woman for the last three months and when that was taken away I just couldn’t cope.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Going to a bar and drinking the better part of a fifth of whiskey probably didn’t help either.”

Steve laughed, “Speaking of bars. I went out on Saturday night.”

“That's good.”

“I went out crossdressed.” Steve waited to see if their was a reaction to the ease at which said that word crossdressed. It felt good to say it.

Doctor Johnson smiled as she made a note, “Even better. Where'd you go?”

“My cousin and I ...”

“You told your cousin?”

Steve said, “It's a long story doc but suffice it to say my cousin surprised me and we went out.

“Where did you go?”

“A bar in the city.

Doctor Johnson made a note as she responded, “That's great news Steve but you need to remember to be careful. Not everyone is understanding.”

“I know and that's why I left but I did stay for an hour and I can't stop thinking about it. I was scared and happy then nervous and happy all over again. It's made me wonder about something and I'd like your honest opinion.”

“Go on.”

“Do you think that my Gender ID is female?”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “I can’t answer that.”

“Why not? I figured that’s what the test was you had me take would tell me.”

“The test is merely a scientific exercise to determine the way your brain works. All it does is measure affinities but ultimately only you know what you are. So let me turn the question around – Do you think your Gender ID is female? Last time we discussed it you said you thought you were 50% / 50% Male/Female.”

“It’s a hard question doc. I think my mind works similar to most females and I know I like wearing their clothes. I just wish I didn't.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don't know. I've had a lot of time to think and I've realized the hundreds of times in my life where I deferred to another boy because I wanted to see how he did it first. It’s like a have a built in mechanism to eliminate any girlish behavior.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Steve shrugged, “Have you ever lived in a small town?”

Doctor Johnson nodded, “I grew up in a town of 1,500 people.”

“Then you should understand. Everyone conforms. The town ostracizes people outside the norm until they submit or they leave. Then there’s my meetings I mentioned last week with Pastor Dan. Or the fact I dressed up in girl’s clothing for my relatives on two separate occasions but don’t remember a thing. It’s like I’ve repressed the memories or something. It really makes me wonder if there were any other things I don’t remember.”

“The loss of memory is concerning.”

“I really think my mind has been in a war between what it wants and what it needs. Oh yeah and it seems I like guys now. I keep having mental images of me kissing Tim. That never used to happen.”

Doctor Johnson gave what Steve thought of as her comforting smile, “I wouldn’t read too much into it. Keep in mind that you’ve stopped dating and your pool of friends is non-existent. Humans are sexual creatures and when they don’t get it odd thoughts can happen. You should also remember that you are trying to get in touch with the female side of your brain and you know subconsciously that attraction to males is part of it. It doesn’t mean all of a sudden you like men better.”

“But I could be gay.”

“It’s possible but only you can answer that.”

“You still haven’t told me what the test said.”

“I’ve been waiting for the right moment because it is important you not over think the results. This is only a tool for diagnosis and not an exact science.”

“What does it say doc?”

“Well there’s a lot of different factors involved but your answers and brain activity was a 74% match to a baseline female in his previous studies.“

Steve spoke louder than he meant, “Fuck. Me.”

“I told you. It’s just a test so you shouldn’t read too much into it. There are many happily married males that have had the same results in his studies.”

Steve felt tears form, “But statistically not many.”

“No test can tell you how you feel. No one can do that for you.”

“I know Doc. It just confirms my fears and it sucks to hear.”

Doctor Johnson said, “You have many choices. You aren’t locked into anything.”

“I have two choices. Live as a freak and be happy or live normally and be miserable.”

“It’s really not that simple. I told you before you there are varying ways of dealing with this. Therapy is …”

“Doc I really don’t want to hear it right now. I’ve read your books. I’m pretty sure I know what you are going to say. My mind is racing right now because I’m just coming to terms with the fact I’ve been living a lie. Everything I’ve worked for, all my goals … they are gone.” He put his head in his hands and started to cry.

Dr. Johnson walked over to the coach, handed him a box of tissues, and put her arm around him. She said softly, “I know it doesn’t seem possible but it is going to get better.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOC! YOU GIVE ME THAT CLICHÉ LINE? MY FREAKING LIFE IS OVER! MY DAD WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME AND NEITHER WILL MY FRIENDS ... FUCK. ME!”

“No one said this would be easy and there isn’t a perfect solution.”

“So does this mean I need to go on hormone replacements and get my dick cut off?”

“Steve come on. You are making great progress but you need to control yourself. You are starting to worry me.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Is your mom worried about you?”

Steve stifled a sniffle, “Yeah. That's why my cousin visited me. My mom sent her to spy on me to make sure I was ok.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “Is it possible that she was just being a mom? Mom's worry a lot about their kids especially when they sense they are unhappy.”

“It's possible doc but she asked my cousin to visit which is how she found out about my secret. I'm lucky that I can trust Sandy. In fact I’m spending Christmas with her instead of going home.”

Doctor Johnson wrote something into her notepad, “Why are you doing that?”

“Well when I figured out part of my problem at Thanksgiving was that I couldn't stand dressed as male for four days I figured there’s no way I could handle it for 3 weeks. My cousin said I could crash with her and her mom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah they are kind of the black sheep of the family. It’s a long story but the good thing is Sandy assures me that I can cross-dress the entire time.”

“And you are comfortable with that?”

“Not really but you have to know Sandy. It’s hard to say no to her.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Steve I have to say I think you are handling this quite well.”

Steve nodded and took a deep breath, “Sorry about my outburst earlier. I’m just a bit high strung today. When I leave here I'm going to my aunt house. It's still hard for me to go outside crossdressed and that's doubly true when I know I'm going to see someone I know.”

Doctor Johnson said, “It's ok. You have a lot to think about.”

Steve asked, “So can I get hormone therapy if I want it?”

“Seriously Steve? You think that’s a good idea considering your outburst five minutes ago? We need to talk more before I’d consider it and frankly you need to be sure of your decision. You aren't there yet. “

“I know you're right Doc. I keep going back and forth between thinking how nice it might be to live as a woman but then I think about everyone back home. I don't think I can't face them but I can't continue the way I have in the past. It needs to end.”

Doctor Johnson closed her notepad, “I know Steve but you need patience. We will get there.” She paused for a moment then asked, “We’ve covered everything I wanted to talk about today. Was there something else?”

Steve said, “Nah. I’m good.”

“Well remember you have my number. I assume you won’t be on campus for the next three weeks so we will have our next appointment the Thursday after you return.”

“Sounds good doc.”

Steve visits his aunt's house during Christmas break and finds a world he never knew existed. Will life ever be the same?

Chapter 14

Steve spread the new clothes he'd bought with Sandy on the living room floor next to piles of what he'd come to think of as his 'schoolwear'. There was no way he could to fit everything in the suitcase and garment bag he owned. He also knew Sandy would badger him to wear the stuff they bought together and he was sure she expected him to bring it.

It had been ten years since he'd last seen his aunt and he'd always wondered why she never came back to town after the divorce. Divorce was discouraged but it wasn't totally uncommon as he had a lot of friends with divorced parents. Aunt Marj on the other hand just disappeared from town and her name was only mentioned in hushed whispers. Now that he knew the truth everything made sense but he was nervous to meet her just the same. It had taken weeks to open up to Doctor Johnson about his secret and Tim was a trusted friend. Sandy didn't give him much of a choice when she showed up at this apartment and the people he'd met at the bar didn't count. Meeting Aunt Marjorie was different. This was a choice to meet someone from his past who knew his secret. She was there when he was born. He tried not obsess about it as he packed though an hour into the drive the doubts of this decision began.

Had he made the right choice?

The only “normal” clothes he'd brought were the ones he wore on his back. His anxiety grew with every mile but in a way it felt freeing. He was going somewhere instead of hiding in his apartment. He tried to think he was acting like Cortez when he burned his boats in the face of the Aztec though thoughts of General Custer in the face of the Dakota kept recurring. He knew Sandy would be cool with it and he just hoped it wouldn't be too weird around Aunt Marjorie.

The GPS led him to the address and Steve found a place just down the street with to park. He put the garmet bag over one shoulder and pulled the suitcase behind him. It wasn't far to the address Sandy gave him and he just hoped no one would notice the makeup bag he'd strapped on top of the suitcase or the purse he wore on his other shoulder.

The neighborhood looked like it had to be older than anyone that lived there as the trees were full grown and the yards well developed. Steve stopped at the foot of the steps that led to the address Sandy had given him and took a deep breath.

There was no going back.

A few steps and a quick knock on the door made it official. An older lady answered that looked nothing like Aunt Marj. The woman looked to be in her mid thirties with close cropped brown hair, a heavy set figure but still one that Steve knew would have caught his interest if the circumstances were different.

The woman asked, “Can I help you?”

Steve answered, “Um ... Is Sandy here?”

“She’s not back from college yet. Are you Steve?”

Steve nodded, “You aren't Aunt Marjorie are you?”

The woman laughed. “No. I’m Kristy. Marjorie is in the other room. We didn't think you'd get here until later.”

Steve walked into the parlor and saw a distinguished looking woman that he recognized right away.

Aunt Marj screamed, “Stevie!”, who then crushed him in a bear hug.

Steve blushed, “Hi Aunt Marj. Thanks for letting me stay at your house.”

Aunt Marj said, “It’s my pleasure. Sandy told me about your ... trouble. We're happy to help.” Steve noticed both ladies eyes had lingered on the purse he wore on his shoulder for the briefest of moments and he felt his face redden.

“It’s a long story.”

Aunt Marj said, “We have plenty of time for that. Let’s get you settled into the guest room.” She showed him to a room upstairs. As he put his suitcase on the bed, he noticed his aunt was still standing in the doorway and saw her eyes were watery.

“What’s wrong Aunt Marj?”

“Oh it’s nothing. I’m just glad to have some family here for the holidays. It's been a long time since I've seen you.” She stood quiet for a few minutes while he unpacked then said, “While you are here my house is yours. I promise there won’t be any judgments.”

Steve smiled, “Even from Sandy?”

Sandy’s mom laughed, “Even from Sandy. She and I had a long talk about you. I know her heart’s in the right place but I told her to remember that there’s really no way for her to understand what you are going through.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm not sure I understand what I'm going through but I do hope you know Sandy has been really great. The sad fact is she's probably one of my closest friends right now which is sad considering how little we’ve seen each other in the last few years.” Steve looked down at the bed and didn’t say anything.

Marjorie said, “I’ll let you settle in and if you want to talk you won’t find anyone better than Kristy and me. We can talk but are both good listeners and like I said earlier, there are no judgments in my house. Maybe I can even help so you can learn from my mistakes.”

Steve struggled to think of an appropriate response but his aunt walked out the room leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Steve hung up his clothes but hesitated once he got to his makeup bag. It was one thing to have a bunch of skirts and dresses in the closet but quite another to have makeup sitting out in the open in his room. The words “No judgments” rang in his ear as he placed everything around the mirror. Once he was done unpacking, he joined Marjorie and Kristy sitting at the kitchen table.

“We are just starting dinner. You can have a seat or go in the other room to watch some television if you want.”

“I’d like to help.”

“No need.”

“OK.” Steve decided to sit at the kitchen table. It was better to get the inevitable talk over with as soon as possible.

Kristy reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

Steve asked, “Can I have one of those?” He always felt more confident when he smoked.

Marjorie said, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

Steve smiled, “Well it’s good to know that Sandy didn’t tell you everything about me.”

“She really didn’t tell me much. Other than you know…”

“That I’ve been cross-dressing?”

“Yeah.”

Steve grabbed a cigarette and took a long drag then exhaled slowly. Kristy looked at Marjorie whose face didn't betray any emotion. It felt like he was sitting in Doctor Johnson's office only this time there were two therapists staring at him.

Steve started, “Well I’m sure you have questions so here’s everything in a nutshell. I’ve felt different my whole life but I really didn’t understand it until recently. I think things started a few years ago when I started experimenting with my mom’s makeup table. I felt ashamed and embarrassed every time but I found I couldn't stop. I went from a periodic escape at my mom's dressing table to today where I've pretty much shut myself into my apartment dressed as a woman. I really can’t explain it but the longer I've done it, I've found it harder to stop. It's to the point that when I'm not crossdressed I really feel out of sorts.”

Marjorie interrupted, “So why didn’t you change when you got here? I told you there wouldn’t be any judgments.”

Steve shrugged, “It’s hard to do in front of other people. It's a no win situation.”

“Stevie, I know you don’t know me as well as I’d like and frankly that’s my fault. I had a decision to make a long time ago and I don’t regret it but that doesn’t mean it has been easy“.

Aunt Marjorie paused as she considered her words carefully, “Here’s what I need from you. You are in my house and I insist everyone in my house be honest with themselves and each other. If you are more comfortable in woman's clothing then I insist you wear woman’s clothes. In fact I insist you go change right now.”

“But…”

Steve noticed that Margorie no long had a kind look but instead her face changed to the I-will-be-obeyed that most mother's acquire as a second nature, “No but’s. Now.”

Steve smiled, “I thought Sandy would be the one to badger me into changing.”

Aunt Marj's kind face returned, “And just where do you think Sandy gets it from?”

Steve laughed, raised his hands in mock surrender and retreated to the bedroom then stared into the closet and the outfits he'd bought with Sandy. He'd worn them all since he and Sandy had purchased them and his favorite was a bright floral print with ruffles in the right places. He wanted to be sure about this choice as it felt important. He was picking out an outfit to meet some one from his past even if his aunt did understand. The thought of being home for Christmas and walking into his Mom's kitchen in one of these outfits made him smile and lightheaded at the same time.

'Focus on the present.'

He settled on a simple pink outfit he’d bought with Sandy as it was a combination of class and cute. He had it on in a few minutes but spent another half hour at the dressing table trying to do his best at makeup. He was still struggling there though he knew he'd improved after Sandy's instruction.

Before Sandy's visit, Steve had never worried much about his hair as he just let it grow out and tied it into a pony tail. Men could get away with that look too and it suited both purposes when he crossdressed. It felt like a girl's and that is all that mattered to him.

Then Sandy showed him what could be accomplished with a curling iron and a little styling. The problem was his talents were even close to the task for this either so he decided to take out the tie and let his hair fall straight down. His hair reached well below his shoulders and he thought it looked decent but the problem was his hair in front kept falling down in his eyes. He pushed the hair behind his ears but after spending five minutes fighting it, he grabbed the tie and put his hair back into a pony tail.

Steve took his time going down the stairs, as his feet hadn't grown accustomed to the new two-inch heels Sandy had bought. When he reached the bottom, both Marjorie and Kristy turned and stared.

Steve felt his face redden again but Marjorie spoke and saved him from further embarrassment, “Oh Stevie. You look darling. Come over here and sit at the table and let’s finish our talk.”

As Steve sat, Marjorie stubbed out a cigarette, “Do you realize how lucky you are do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“”Do you know how close you are to passing for female?”

“Not really.”

“You look pretty damned close. I know dozens of trans-women that would kill for your build and facial structure. You can almost pull it off. By the way, did Sandy explain where we live?”

“Not really.”

“This area is called the Village. Do you know why I live in the Village?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. Your mom and dad would never talk about such things. I moved to town over ten years ago after I divorced you uncle. I didn't know anyone in town until I heard about a bar just up the street that was said to be gay friendly. One thing you need to remember is this neighborhood was much different back then. The houses are old and most owners had let them fall to a bad state of disrepair. Crime in the neighborhood was rampant.”

“I'm not sure who came up with the idea as we'd drank a lot but a group of us thought it might be a good idea to buy up property in the area near the bar. After all we were spending our night there, why not make our drive home shorter. Most of us lived in the suburbs at the time.”

“Well we sobered up the next morning and when we realized the plan still made sense a few of us decided to do it. That first year a dozen of us were able to purchase homes. Word spread at all of the gay bars and after the idea took hold we even set up an office to assist anyone looking to move into the area. It didn't take long for our idea to spook the local homeowners which only allowed more of us to move in.”

“Today the Village is the focal point for everything LGBT in the city. Over time, the whole neighborhood became a haven for us so-called “freaks”. In fact, you could go to the grocery store in high heels, stretch pants, a tank top wearing a purse and not get a negative comments though you might get a proposition or two. The community is about as understanding as any I've ever seen. I have no doubt that you could walk down to the corner store dressed like that without a problem.”

The thought was both intriguing and terrifying. “Really?”

Aunt Marj nodded, “Really. In fact, I need some milk for dinner. You want to join me to get some?”

“Oh … I don’t know.“

“There's no pressure Steve but I’m telling you it really isn’t a problem.”

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me. No one will care.”

Steve nodded, “OK, I'll do it.”

“Only if you are sure.”

“I’m sure,” Steve said suddenly feeling a bit excited.

“OK let’s go.” She turned to Kristy who was peeling something for dinner. “We'll be back in a few.”

Kristy waved, “Have fun.”

Marjorie grabbed her purse, “Where’s that cute purse I saw when you first arrived Steve?”

Steve gave a sheepish look, “Upstairs.”

“Go get it. A girl never leaves home without her purse.” Steve ran upstairs. When he came back down he saw his aunt had something in her hand. “I have an idea. Pull that tie out of your hair and sit down.”

Steve sat. He felt his aunt tugging on his hair and felt the weight move from his back to a spot higher up.“Oh that’s so precious. Steve go look at yourself in the mirror.”

Steve walked to the bathroom and saw his aunt had used a funny looking barrette to pull his hair back behind his ears but then pulled the hair away from his neck so the ponytail fell from the top of his head into something that looked a lot more feminine.

“It really like it Aunt Marj.” though he wasn't sure the butterflies in his stomach agreed.

Steve saw his aunt smile from across the room as she ordered. “Grab your purse and let’s go.”

Steve obeyed.

As they approached the first group on the sidewalk, his aunt put a hand on his shoulder.

“I have a real quick question. I need to know how to introduce you and I guess it depends on how you see yourself. Are you my crossdressing nephew Steve or something else? I’m good either way.”

“Honestly aunt Marj when I dress like this I’ve started using the name Sara. Is that ok?”

“Of course it is. My niece Sara. I like it.”

Steve felt a twinge in his gut when his aunt said the new name. It felt good.

The walk wasn’t as easy as his aunt made it sound in her kitchen. It was almost 6 PM which seemed to be the time everyone got home from work and congregated on the sidewalks to gossip. Steve saw dozens of people. At the first group everyone turned to greet Marjorie with a warm hello and a few asked if she had time to meet later. Steve watched as his aunt handled the questions like a pro and it was obvious they respected her opinion. That made sense as she was on one of the area founders.

Aunt Marjorie put her hand on Steve's shoulder, “I’d like everyone to meet my niece Sara.”

Everyone replied in unison, “Hello Sara!”

Steve gave a shy wave, unused to this sort of attention, “Hi.”

“Sara is home from college and staying with me for the holidays.”

Everyone at once said a variation of, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

The conversation moved to other subjects and few of them even gave Steve a second look. Aunt Marj had to force her part in the discussion to a close using dinner as an excuse. Steve noticed as they continued down the street the same thing happened with every group. It seemed like his aunt was determined to introduce him to everyone in the neighborhood. Was this a setup? His sense of embarrassment had long since hit its maximum but the joy he aunt seemed to get in every introduction him gave him the courage to continue.

Steve remembered guy in particular that said, “I hope we don’t scare you too much!” then laughed and Steve realized the man probably didn’t care if he did. About half of the groups would have fit into any social gathering at college but quite a few were dressed in a way that would have given the gossips back home weeks of material. He thought one guy might be going through hormone therapy or else had the worst case of bitch tits Steve had ever seen.

When they got to the store his aunt said, “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Steve admitted, “It was scary at first but by the end I was almost having fun. You have a way with people.”

Aunt Marjorie smiled.

As they browsed the store Marj continued the conversation, “You are at an interesting crossroads in your life Steve and I’ve found there’s nothing sadder than someone hiding who they really are. As you can tell that isn’t much of a problem in this neighborhood. I know that walk was a little more intense than I said but I knew you could handle it. I promise not to put you into any situations like that the rest of the week unless you ask. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t spend your days sitting in my house. You should feel free to go anywhere in this neighborhood without fear. You always have to be careful at night right especially after the bars close as there always seems to be some idiot driving through to make trouble. The police chase them off pretty quick so even then it’s really pretty safe.”

Marjorie paid the cashier and again they walked down the street meeting groups along the way. Marjorie stopped at each one and it amazed Steve to note that she seemed to know everyone by name.

As they passed the last group Aunt Marj asked, “Did you notice that no one said anything to you? I’m sure most of them knew the truth as you didn’t bother to change your voice but they didn’t care. I'm sure you will be the hot topic on the gossip lists tonight. This place is probably as bad as our hometown in that regard. The difference is that they want to know more about you and I’m sure a few might want to ask you out.”

Steve gave his aunt a grimace.

She laughed, “Would you rather be home this week?”

Steve smiled. “You have a point.”

As they entered the house his aunt told Steve, “I want to finish our talk upstairs in my office while we wait for your cousin to get home. Is that ok?” Steve nodded.

Steve followed her up the steps and into a room littered with stacks of paper and a wall shelves filled to with books. Only the desk was clear and Steve sat in a chair across from his aunt.

Steve said, “I do want to thank you for pushing me Aunt Marj. I couldn’t have done that on my own. I can’t imagine ever doing that at school.”

“You could if you wanted. I’ve found most people don’t care and the key is to know what to avoid. For instance Sandy told me she took you to a bar and you talked to some drunk guys….”

Steve interrupted, “…She did most of the talking”

“I believe that but the thing is you were smart to get out of there. It was incredibly stupid to go to that bar as drunk guys and bars are near the top of the list to avoid. I know a full post-op transsexual that no one would pick to be chromosomally male but some guys heard a rumor and they beat her senseless. It doesn’t make any sense but it’s something you have to consider.”

“My therapist would be happy just knowing I’m outside. She’s been worried that I’ve been hiding this.”

“I'm glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. They are expensive but for someone in our position they can be a literal lifesaver. I’m sure you’ve thought about suicide.”

The sudden turn in the conversation took Steve off guard. “What do you mean?”

“Killing yourself.”

“No. I…”

“I told you this is an honesty holiday. There’s really no reason to lie to me. I’ve really heard it all. I’ve worked wth hundreds of kids in similar situations and it always at least crosses their mind.”

“Well I, umm… yeah. A little bit.”

His aunt laughed. “Just a little bit huh. Well I guess you would have only been a little bit dead”, and then she laughed again. Steve looked at her with a cross look. “I’m sorry Steve … or should I say Sara? … I’m not making light of the situation but here’s the thing and it can be just between you and me. I know there’s a part of you right now that wants to die. It might not be a big part but it’s on your list of options. I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help you in the past but now that I know I will do anything to help you. Life is never perfect, but it does get better.”

Steve smirked, “There’s that stupid line. My therapist keeps saying that too. I’ve read the brochures. It just doesn’t feel possible right now.”

“It may be cliché but I can tell you from personal experience that it does. I probably felt like you do now when I left your uncle Sal. In fact it might have been worse since I had Sandy to worry about.”

“I never knew why you left until Sandy told me.”

Aunt Marj's face looked a little sad as she answered, “It took me a long time to forgive myself for uprooting Sandy and taking her away from the family. Did you know your grandmother tried to get custody? I was fortunate that the courts felt strong that a child should stay with the mother but that didn’t help my guilt. Sal didn't want to move and I got sole custody.”

Steve interrupted, “I like Uncle Sal.”

“I do too and that made it even worse. He's been great and a lot more understanding than most would be under the circumstances. After all, I left him to be with other women and took his daughter hours away. It wasn’t until a few years later when I met Kristy that I finally began to forgive myself. She helped me understand that making myself miserable in an attempt to make others happy would have only made the situation worse. You have to live for yourself Steve. It has helped to see that Sandy has turned out so great but don’t tell her that. She’s inherited my narcissism and would never let me live it down.”

“Oh don’t worry about that.” Steve said

“So Steve… dammit.. Sara. Which do you prefer?”

“It’s ok. You can call me Steve. The name Sara actually feels weird.”

“It’s really not ok. You said you read all the brochures. Words are important. I know you are having trouble coming to terms with how you view yourself but I think it is important that you insist that others view you as you see yourself. If you want to be Sara for the next two weeks, then you should insist that everyone call you Sara. If you see yourself as Steve in women’s clothing , that’s fine too. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. It does.”

“I know it’s tough but there’s no magic pill that will make you stop cross-dressing. If it’s part of who you are then you need to figure out what it means.”

“I know it just feels weird to call myself Sara all the time.”

“Well we can call you Steve if you’d like but let me ask you something. You’ve been Steve hiding in your apartment all semester. How’d that make you feel?”

“Not good.”

“So why not be Sara for two weeks? Why not figure out if you like Sara?”

“People will laugh.”

“No one laughed in the street.”

“Sandy might.”

“I really hope I’ve raised her better than that but frankly so what if she does? The important thing is you need to be rock solid sure who you are because once you figure that out you can easily handle the laughs. I know from personal experience.”

Steve started to ask something then stopped. “I have a question ...”

“Go ahead.”

Steve thought for a moment then said, “Well, it’s about sexual orientation.” Marj nodded but didn't respond.

“I swear to you that I’ve never had a gay thought in my life and in fact at one point I was borderline homophobic but recently I’ve been having these random thoughts that are scaring me.”

Aunt Marjorie smiled, “Are you getting interested in guys?”

“That’s the thing. I’ve always had a strong attraction to girls but never committed to any of them. In the last year things have started to change. For example if I see a picture with a hot guy and hot girl, I might notice that the guy’s abs instead of the woman’s breasts. This week I even had a gay dream. My friend Tim told me that’s how he knew he was gay – when he started have dreams of sex with men.”

“Well dreams are an insight into your subconscious but they can be tough to interpret. One gay dream doesn’t make you gay.”

“But I’m thinking that maybe I’m gay and the cross-dressing is just a way for my brain to get me to admit it.”

“You said you read all the books so you need to remember that sexual orientation and sexual identity are two separate things. I’m not saying it isn’t possible but typically people cross-dress because they like to cross-dress or feel they are a woman and men are gay because they like other men. It’s two separate things but I’d really encourage you to look into it if you are really unsure.”

“Wh… huh?”

“Date a few guys.”

“Really? Just go out on a date with a guy?”

“How else are you going to know for sure? You are at a great age for experimentation if you don’t bog yourself down in the mental aspect of … ‘Oh my god am I gay? My life is ruined if I am’.”

“That makes sense but it kind of freaks me out. I mean why do you think I just started having these feelings?”

“I’m not sure but if I had to guess I’d say the Steve part of you is a closeted heterosexual and Sara is probably bisexual. ”

“Huh?”

“I lived right up the road from your house for most of my life. I know how that town can be. Why do you think it took me until I was thirty years old to figure out I was a lesbian? My guess is the Sara side of your personality never had a change to emerge because Steve wouldn’t let her. The reason you’ve had such a hard time with relationships is you weren’t fully engaged so eventually you got bored.”

“Are you saying I’ve got a split personality?”

“Not at all. First, I’m only giving you my opinion based on my experience and you definitely should talk to your therapist. It just makes sense to me that if you’ve never had gay thoughts, then you start cross-dressing and suddenly have gay thoughts that the two are related. Are you still having erotic dreams about women?”

“Sometimes but I’ve never really had a lot of dreams like that.”

“But more than dreams about men?”

“Yeah but it bothers me when I see a television show and I see a guy and my first thought is – ‘He’s hot.”

Marjorie laughed, “I notice hot guys too but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. The next few months should be interesting for you. I really encourage you to spread your wings a little but make sure you use protection.”

Steve squirmed in his chair, “OK, now this conversation is getting uncomfortable.”

Marjorie smiled, “You brought it up.”

Marjorie looked at her watch. “I’m sure your cousin has arrived so should head downstairs. Decision time - I need an answer and there’s no changing it for the rest of holiday. Steve or Sara?”

Steve thought it over then answered, “Sara.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“OK Sara, I have a few last things to say. First I love you and I’m proud of you. Second, I’m really glad we had this talk and hope you know you can call me any time to talk. Third, if you need to talk to someone and you don’t call me I’m going to be pissed. Are we clear?”

“Yes .”

“Good.”

“Thanks Aunt Marjorie.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go get something to eat.”

Steve heard Sandy talking before he saw her and as they came down the stairs he saw her sitting at the kitchen table with her arms crossed. “It’s about time!”

Marjorie ignored her and said, “Aren’t you going to say hi to your cousin Sara?”

Sandy looked confused for a moment then said in a monotone, “Hello cousin Sara.” Followed immediately by, “Now can we fucking eat? I'm starving!”

Marjorie shouted back, “Hey watch your language young lady!” but she was smiling.

Chapter 15

Steve woke early the next morning and took a long hot shower. As he dressed, he decided to wear the blue outfit Sandy bought and spent a little extra time on his makeup so that it was as perfect as his skills would allow. When he finished, attempted to on the barrette his aunt had given him with a decent result. Kristy was in the kitchen making breakfast when he went downstairs.

He sat at the table and picked up the paper, “Good morning.”

Kristy looked up when he sat. “I didn’t hear you come downstairs Sara. You are up early today.”

It took a moment for Steve to realize she was talking to him, “Yeah I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing all night.”

“Margorie can have that effect on people.”

“She said the same thing about you.”

“I’m sure that’s true. The hardest part of being …” Kristy paused a moment as if trying to figure the correct word then continued, “The hardest part of being different is trying to find your place in the world.” She sat a plate of pancakes on the table and Steve grabbed two of them with a fork.

“Marg and I probably saved each other. It’s only been six years but my life is a lot better than it was. I’m sure your aunt would tell you the same thing. Did she mention she’s on the city council?”

“Really?”

“Figures. A few years ago this area had grown enough that a bunch of us decided we wanted to get our own candidate elected to city hall. Marj has always been the neighborhood mom and the overwhelming choice.”

“I had no idea.” That explained a lot about the reaction from the people on their walk.

“That doesn’t surprise me. She’s still embarrassed about it which I find really. It’s like she doesn’t believe she’s the right person for the job. The first election was nasty with lots of homophobic campaigning but in the end we’d grown too large and even our worst critics could see the improvements we were making to one of the worst areas in town. Margie won the first election by a few hundred votes.”

“That's when things really got better around here. With her help we encouraged the worst elements to move but somehow housing prices still dropped. It's amazing to think how many residents were perfectly fine living in a neighborhood with drug dealers but being in the 'gay district' was just too much. In the end I think even the most bigoted city leaders are happy with the current situation. We mostly keep to this neighborhood, pay our taxes into the city’s coffers and in return Marjorie makes sure they keep the streets safe. They’ve even been pretty accommodating with some of Marj’s special projects we have most of the city's halfway houses in the neighborhood. It’s been great for me as I quit my job and now work with troubled teens. Sandy spent her summers interning there which is why I think she's gone into nursing. You could say we are all pretty blessed.”

Steve couldn't believe no one had ever told him about this but he also knew when he was being manipulated. “That sounds great Kristy but I get the feeling are you telling me that long story to make me feel better.”

Kristy smiled, “You caught that? Sandy didn’t tell me much but I wanted you to know that I'm quite familiar just how difficult it can be for someone in your situation. I deal with kids that are trying to cope every day and have found the key is giving them space to figure out who they are and support them any way I can. It doesn’t always work but I wouldn’t trade it for any other job in the world.” Kristy stopped for a moment. “It’s certainly better than typing another memo to upper management.”

Steve heard someone coming down the stairs and saw his cousin walk into the kitchen with her eyes half closed, “You might want to slow down on those pancakes or you won’t fit into that dress.”

Kristy threw a few more pancakes on Steve’s plate. “Sara's looking too thin in my opinion. Nothing wrong with a few extra pounds,” Kristy patted her belly.

Steve watched as Sandy exaggerated her walk as she walked down the remaining stairs. “That’s easy for you to say you aren’t on the market any longer. Us single girls have to watch our figures.”

The conversation was making Steve feel uncomfortable and while Kristy shook her head, Steve decided to put his fork into another pancake, smother it with syrup and then stuffed half of it into his mouth.

Sandy said, “You pig.”

Steve did the same thing with the rest of his pancake.

“You know that’s not very lady like.”

A voice came from the top of the stairs, “Oh like you’d know”. Marjorie entered the room dressed in a business suit with a briefcase in her right hand.

Kristy asked, “You going in today?”

“Yeah. The offices are empty so it’s a great time to catch up on paperwork. I assume you will be at the Canaday House all day?”

Yeah I’m working until 6pm tonight though I may stay later. You know how tough this time of year can be.”

“I may stop by when I’m done,” she kissed Kristy on the cheek as she walked out the door. From the garage Steve heard a distant, “And you two try to stay out of trouble!” He heard a car door open and the sound of an engine driving away.

Sandy looked at Steve, “It’s party time!” Kristy shook her head. Steve had a feeling that happened a lot in this house.

Steve said, “It’s a bit early to party don’t you think.”

Sandy gave a mischievous smile, “I have a party of a different sort planned for you.”

Steve looked to Kristy for help but only received a similar smile in return which made Steve feel like he missed the punch line of a joke.

Sandy said, “Mom gave me her credit card so give me 5 minutes and we are going shopping!”

Steve groaned. He'd already experienced on of Sandy's fun days and could only imagine what she had in store this time.

Twenty minutes later Sandy bounded down the steps. “I’m ready. It’s time to shop!”

Before Steve could think of a good objection, they were in Sandy’s car. Five minutes later, the car pulled to a stop in front a place with sign that read, “Vivica’s”.

“What's this?”

Sandy laughed, “You’ll see.”

“I’m serious. What is this?”

“St…err dammit Sara, you have to trust me. These people are my friends. If you feel uncomfortable, we can leave but Viv is great. You’ll see.”

Steve surrendered, “Oh all right.”

Steve walked into the shop and watched as a dozen faces turned to look at him. A lady behind the counter ran to Sandy waving her arms and shouting, “Sandy’s home!”

Sandy looked about as flustered as Steve had ever seen her, “Viv, stop acting like I don’t stop by every few weeks to get my hair cut.”

“Oh I know honey but you are home for a while so we can go out! I … can’t … wait! Oh and is this the little friend? What’s her name? Oh let me guess … it’s Sara isn’t it.”

Steve was looking at the floor as the stares from the other patrons got to be too much. Sandy smiled and said, “I see the rumor mill is still working overtime on the block.”

Vivica answered, “Oh you know. People just love to tell stories to their hairdresser. I just put two and two together.”

Steve was praying that a meteoroid would hit Vivica’s place at that moment. Vivica's conversation had everyone in the shop interested in the strange person that entered with Sandy. Vivica said in a voice louder than Steve would have preferred “Sandy says you are getting the works so we should go into my office and do some planning.” Steve nodded in appreciation as he felt desperate to escape the dozen pair of eyes that seemed to follow his every move.

Viv closed the door behind them. “Take a seat. Do you talk Sara?”

Steve nodded then said, “Yeah.”

“Good to know. So tell me what you want?”

Steve met Vivica's intense stare, “What do you mean?”

“Well Sandy told me you wanted a total makeover and frankly I can’t blame you with that mop of a haircut.”

“She told you I wanted a total makeover? Did she tell you anything else?”

“If you are talking about the fact you are male no but that was easy enough to figure out. I know a fellow ladyboy when I see one.” As Vivica said the last part she lowered her voice.

“You are….?”

“Me? I’m not sure there’s a proper term for me. Fabulous, definitely. Old school people would call me a transvestite but I guess the proper term is that I’m a cross-dresser but it seems too bland a word to describe all of this. ”

Steve watched as Vivica made a sweeping gesture with her hand while pointing at her self. This woman … err man … well whatever this hairdresser was … made him feel at ease. Steve asked, “You aren’t taking hormones or you know….?” Steve made a cutting motion with his index and middle finger.

“Oh dear no. Do you know how much tail I get in this outfit? I just like dressing up in women’s clothes. I think it helps with the business too.”

Steve thought silent but didn’t say anything. He looked at Sandy but for once she remained quiet. Steve asked, “So what now?”

“It depends on what you want.”

“I don’t want anything.”

Steve heard Sandy start to speak but saw Vivica wave her off. “How long have you been cross-dressing?”

“About 6 months.”

“And you’ve been wearing wigs during that time?”

“A few but not many. I’ve mostly just pulled my hair back into a pony tail.”

“Let your hair down. I want to see how long it is.”

Steve pulled out the barrette that was holding his hair in place and his hair fell down over his face and well past his ears.

“Oh wow. Most of my clients would kill to have hair grown out like that. I know I could do a lot of amazing things with that.”

“But I don’t want to cut my hair.”

Sandy started to speak again but Vivava waved her off again. “Why not?”

“Well because at school I’m only dressed like this in private. I still can’t believe I’m doing it here.”

Vivica said, “Oh honey most people don’t even pay attention. And I should know because I try to go out of my way to be noticed.”

“I just can’t.”

“I understand honey. We can work around it and I have a few ideas. Stand still and let me take a few pictures of your face. I need you to pull your hair back away from your face so I can get a good picture.”

Steve pulled his hair back into his normal pony tail and Vivica said, “Now give me a big smile!”

Vivica took a few pictures with her camera and loaded them into her computer. “I don’t know what I did before I got this program. Makeovers are so much more fun with this.”

Steve looked on the screen and saw his face with long blonde curly hair. Sandy squealed, “I like it!” but Steve shook his head no.

Vivica said, “I agree that is a bit much for your first time. How about this?” and showed him the same image only as a red head.

“I’m not coloring my hair. I don’t even want to cut it.”

Sandy said, “Spoil sport.”

Vivica added, “I was just teasing you with those. I’m assuming your current look is how you wear your hair at school so why don’t we look at styles that will allow you to pull it back like you have it now but cut so that when you let it fall it looks more feminine.”

“I guess I could live with that.”

“How about something like this?” Steve looked at image on the screen. The hair was a bob with a part on the left and just over the ears on both sides and cut the same length in the back. “This is a basic cut that you should be able to pull off either way. At school all you’d need to do is pull your hair behind your ears with a bandana or an elastic.”

“Would I need to cut so much off? I’ve been growing this out for about 3 years now and I really don’t want to cut it that short.”

“We definitely need to even it out but how about something like this?” She showed him a similar hairstyle but cut at shoulder length.

“It just took so long to grow.”

“You really are attached to your long hair. Well how about this.” This time the part was on the side with hair past the shoulders in the front and shorter in the back.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you’ll look good in this. I can add a few layers and waves to make it look fuller but you need to cut off some length. It would be easy to pull this style back into a ponytail and no one would notice it looked feminine unless you put it down. You really need to do something. It’s too long for you right now and I hate to be brutal but it’s not a good look for either sex.”

Steve looked at the different images on the screen. It all looked so much different but he looked in the mirror and he knew they were right. He had to cut his hair.

“I could live with that one.” Steve pointed to the last image that Vivica described.

She beamed, “I think I like that one best too but I have one alteration and I need you to keep an open mind.” She tapped a few keys on the keyboard and turned the screen to Steve. The hair color was now a reddish brown.

“I’m not coloring my hair.”

“I’m not saying we go all out but how about using a temporary hair color. It should last about 2 weeks and it should be gone before you go back to school. I really hope you consider it because this really complements your complexion and I want to do it.”

Sandy chimed in, “Come on. Think about what Sara would do.”

Steve replied, “That Sara excuse is getting old but I submit. I’m at your mercy Vivica.”

Vivica smiled at Steve, “Call me Viv. Everyone else does.”

They walked to Vivica's styling station and she got to work. She was like a machine and Steve tried not to watch as he felt years of hair growth fall to the floor. Sandy disappeared when Vivica started applying the gels to color his hair. He closed his eyes as the dye rinsed out and kept them closed as Vivica put the final changes. After that it was off to the hair dryer and once it finished, Vivica made a few final adjustments then turned him to face the mirror.

Steve didn’t recognize himself. He knew his parents would freak if they ever saw his hair like this. He felt panicked but calmed himself with the thought that he could just cut it even shorter before he saw them. That would make his dad happy.

As these thoughts rushed through his head, Vivica showed Steve how to style it using a straight iron to curl by pulling it over his ears and flipping it underneath in the back. Steve was trying to decide if he liked it when Sandy walked back in.

She screamed, “Ohmygod Viv you’ve outdone yourself! I love it!”

Vivica replied, “It really turned out great. I hope you like it Sara. It suits you.”

Steve just stared, “I don’t know. It’s just so different.”

Sandy didn’t miss a beat, “Trust me S ... Sara. It’s perfect. Now get out of that chair, it’s my turn and you need to go see Rachel in the next room. She’s waiting for you.”

Steve got out of the chair and turned his head from side to side. His hair flowed back and forth like he’d seen on the TV commercials. It had never done that before and the sight made him smile.

Sandy whispered to Vivica in a voice that was loud enough for Steve to hear, “I think he likes it too. He just won't admit it.”

It wouldn’t do any good to argue and perhaps the style would grow on him. He didn’t say a word and went to the next room. When he got there, a petite blonde with a Southern drawl greeted him.

“Hey Honey. You must be Sara. You ready for your mani/pedi?”

Steve laughed, “OK sure. I’m game.”

“Put your hands and feet into the solution while we talk about what you want.”

Steve gave her a confused look but complied then said, “This is my first time so I’m not really sure what you mean.”

“Well, I’m going to clean your hands and feet then shape your nails however you want. I guess my first question is for your nails are you looking for just a clear coat, a specific finger nail polish or something more complex.”

Steve thought about it for a second. He’d been wearing false nails on the weekends for months and the idea of something a bit more permanent always intrigued him. He'd tried to use one of those home acrylic kits on himself with the predictable disastrous results.

“Well. What if I wanted something more complex but wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to keep. I guess what I’m saying is how hard are acrylic nail to take off if I don’t like them? Am I stuck with them for months?”

Rachel shook her head, “They aren’t permanent but they aren’t easy to remove either. If you aren’t sure I’d recommend you go with gel or just a nice nail polish. Both of those can be removed at home with nail polish remover and less harmful to your nail bed.” Rachel held up her hand. “This is what gels look like.”

“I know I don’t want nail polish but I do like your nails. Can you do that for me?”

“Certainly. Toenails too?”

“Why not?”

“OK here’s the big question. Do you want extensions?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really had nails before.”

“Well then I should make them just past the end of your fingertips.”

Something in Steve's brain shouted in protest. “Don’t make them too short. I may never do this again and I want to know how it feels to have long nails.”

“OK. I’ll get started.”

Steve watched as over the next half hour, Rachel cleaned, polished, attached tips, and gel to his fingers. He could barely believe this was happening. After he put his hands under the UV light, Rachel started on his feet. Steve kept looking at the clear hard color that coated his nails. When the timer went off, Rachel cleaned each nail a final time.

“Done!”

Steve closed his fist to feel the nails dig into his skin then opened them.

Rachel asked, “Do you like them?”

“More than I thought I would. They’re amazing.”

When Rachel finished his pedicure, Steve didn’t think his feet had ever been so clean. He kept wiggling his toes and got a few frustrated looks from Rachel. After a few delays she finished.

“All done.”

Steve looked at his feet.

“What do you think?”

Steve couldn’t think of any words so he just hugged her.

Rachel laughed. “I’m going to assume that means you like them.”

Steve gave a furious nod as he left then hid his hands as he went into the next room where he found Sandy sitting under the dryer. She shouted over the sound, “How’d you like the mani-pedi?” Steve showed her his hands and she screamed, “Holy shit Viv! Look at this!”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Steve again and he felt self conscous all over. He saw lots of smiles and a few snickers but he tried to ignore them as he looked at the reflection in the mirror and watched as the stranger smiled at the sight of his new long fingernails with red polish and hair to match.

Steve watched as Vivica worked on styling Sandy's hair. He started to pull up a chair but Sandy stopped him. “You have another appointment. It won’t be fun but it is part of the package and you really need to do it.”

As Steve tried to imagine what Sandy had in mind next she meant she shouted in a voice loud enough for the whole room to hear. “Let the waxing beging!”

Waxing? “I don’t know Sandy. Isn’t that too much?”

Vivica backed her up, “You have to do it. You’ve gone this far, it would be a shame to stop now. It's part of the package.”

Steve shrugged. He could kill his cousin later.

Vivica pressed a button on her booth and asked, “Is Suzy ready for Sara?”

A few mintues later an older woman entered the room.

“Sara?”

Steve followed her into another set of adjacent rooms and then into a private room. “Strip down and put this on.”

She threw him a robe. Steve felt uncomfortable as he considered his anatomy. “Um, Suzy? You should probably know that I’m not a girl.” Suzy gave him a knowing smile, “Go ahead and change and lie face down on the table.”

It wasn't long after that he felt the warmth as Suzy started the process. Steve had shaved his chest and legs in the past but had never used wax. He had heard it did a much better job of hair removal but he'd never tried it. Women always complained about the pain but he’d always had a high pain tolerance. At least he thought he had a high pain tolerance. Fifteen minutes later he changed his mind as tears streamed down his face and had collected a pile of tissues covered in mascara. He'd never been tortured in his life but at that moment he wondered if waterboarding might be preferable.

Suzy ripped the wax off one last time as Steve bit his lip. She said, “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Steve didn’t respond and it was everything he could do not to scream. Suzy applied lotion all over his body. “That should make it feel better but it will feel raw for a while. Make sure you moisturize the next few days but it should feel better in a day.”

Steve couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Thanks?” Suzy didn't respond so he went back to the main room.

As he entered spontaneous laughter erupted. He knew his tear stained cheeks had to be a sight and noticed one lady that he had paid an hour earlier still sitting in the waiting area. She shouted at him, “You never forget your first waxing dear”. The comment only made the room laugh a little harder.

Steve knew his face was now a deep crimson but felt a little better when he got to Vivica’s station. She said, “Don’t mind them. You are now part of the sisterhood.” Steve gave a helpless look at Sandy who gave a shrug in response.

Vivica said, “OK normally we’d send you off to get a spray tan but that needs to wait a few days since you just did a waxing.” Steve must have looked confused look on his face as she explained, “The tanning chemicals sometimes don’t react well with irritated skin from a waxing so we usually wait 2 days after a waxing to do a spray tan.” Steve felt let down. After everything else he would have loved to get a little color too.

“So what’s next?”

Vivica replied, “The best part. I’m going to have a professional makeup artist give you a makeover and since Sandy has told me just how bad you are at it we will give you some tips on color matching and best color schemes for your face and complexion.”

“I’m not that bad. She caught me on a bad day.” Vivica and Sandy nodded at each other and Steve knew they didn’t believe a word. He put his up hand up, “Believe whatever you wish.”

He was soon in another part of the building where a makeup artist named Tammy washed all the makeup off his face he'd spent so much time applying that morning. She walked him through a list of makeup recommendation she thought would suit him then started with base then added covering crèmes then added false lashes, eyeshadow, and mascara. When she finished, she added a much brighter red color of lipstick than he’d dared to use in the past. When he complained Suzy explained his new reddish-brown hair offset the bright color and combined with her other recommendations created a look that most women would kill to achieve. The more he stared at himself in the mirror the more he had to agree. Tammy was good. He knew he wasn't as good at makeup as Sandy but Sandy was an amateur compared to Tammy. A virtual stranger looked back from the mirror in a now complete image.

One thought repeated in his mind, “Hi Sara, it’s nice to meet you.”

Steve closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the moment as it overloaded his senses. As he waited, Tammy restyled his hair and gave her best effort to fix up his mussed outfit. He wondered why she was taking so much care but it came clear when he returned to the other room to a standing room only crowd. It seemed everyone waited to see the final product as even more people were crowded into the small room. He couldn't think of any other idea so he gave them a smile and took a bow as the group clapped.

Vivica's voice cut through the noise, “Show us your catwalk strut!”

The audience seemed to like this idea and while Steve tried to ignore it, the chants started until he did his best impersonation of a runway model. Steve knew it looked stupid but he didn't care and neither did the crowd. Steve saw Sandy sitting in a nearby drying chair clapping as loud as anyone.

Vivica shouted over the crowd, “OK, the show’s over. Now get back to work,”

Steve stood on the sidewalk for a few seconds to catch his breath. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he’d entered into Vivica’s studio. He pulled his watch from his purse. It was almost 3:30.

Sandy came outside a few minutes later with Vivica close behind. Steve said, “I can’t believe we were in there for over 5 hours.”

Sandy replied, “Time flies when you are having fun but we have to hurry to make the next stop. Vivica has a good idea.”

Steve worried, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to hate this?”

Vivica soothed him, “Oh believe me you are going to love this. We are going to my favorite store.”

Sandy followed Vivica’s minivan down the side streets of the Village and pulled up to a store in a mini mall with the innocuous sounding name “Transitions”. From the street it appeared to be a wig shop as that’s all you could see in the window. Steve knew it was more when he saw Vivica get a big hug by the lady Steve assumed was the owner. “Sara, I’d like you to meet Tina. She runs this shop.”

Steve saw rows of different types of clothing along with countless other items. “What exactly is this place?”

Vivica smiled and said, “Welcome to my second home.”

Tina laughed, “This store is primarily a wig shop but also caters to the cross-dressing community. We have almost anything an aspiring cross-dresser would need and if we don’t have it … we can get it.”

Steve said, “I buy most of my stuff online. I didn’t know a shop like this even existed.”

Tina replied, “You’ve done a good job in your selections. I like your outfit.”

“I take little credit for how I look. I’ve had lots of help.”

Sandy added, “Trust him … dammit … trust her on that one.”

“Well it sounds like you are in good hands. How can I help?”

Steve stared blankly. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know this place existed until 5 minutes ago.”

“Well let me think. I see you have plenty of clothes though we have many things that will fit a man’s figure if you are interested. One thing I might suggest is this CD which gives you vocal exercises to help develop your feminine voice. I used it myself.”

“You’re a cross-dresser too? I honestly would have never guessed.”

“That’s mostly because you don’t know what to look for but most people don’t. And technically I’m not a cross-dresser, I’m transgendered.”

Steve raised his eyebrows, “Oh. Sorry, I didn't know. I thought you were a genetic girl when I first came in.”

Tina smiled, “I take that as a complement. It’s been almost 10 years ago that I started my hormone replacement. My friends and family couldn't accept the real me so I moved here and set up this business about the same time Sandy's mom and her friends started their little project.”

Vivica added, “She’s been a vital part of the community ever since.

“Not that vital but I definitely enjoy my job.”

Steve looked around the shop and saw Sandy near the counter looking at some of the display items. She looked back and said, “How much are these?”

Everyone walked over to where Sandy was standing and Steve saw she was pointing to a box with a label he was too far away to read.

“It really depends on the quality you want/need. You don't have breast forms?”

Steve shook his head at the thought, “Um no. I have a few padded bra’s though.”

Vivica shook her head, “Oh dear that will never do. Nothing beats the real thing but I love my breast forms. Nothing makes me feel more feminine.”

Steve shook his head, “Really? I don’t know. It seems silly to me. I mean I already have the appearance.”

Vivica responded, “Sara, you should know by now that it isn’t about what other people see. It’s about what you feel. I don’t think I could get into character without my breasts.”

Tina added, “Why don’t you try on a pair? You will see what we mean.”

Steve raised his hands in surrender.

Tina asked, “So I guess the first question is just how big do you want to be?”

Steve responded, “DD?”

Vivica laughed, “That might work for me when I’m on stage but if you want to pass I recommend a nice B or C cup. You will find they are plenty big. Keep in mind that the bigger the breast size the more guys will notice you and if they notice you they might notice that not everything is as it seems.”

Steve looked at Tina who nodded. She pulled out a tape measure and measured around Steve’s chest just under his nipples. “38 inches for what it is worth.”

Steve replied, “Bring me out a set of C cups.” Tina said, “How about a bring out a few different ones. There’s a big difference between some of the forms.”

Steve realized that Tina wasn’t kidding. She put 2 of her more popular styles in front of him and the cheapest was literally molded silicon that looked like a breast. The other model was made of some non-descript material that Steve would have sworn was a breast by touch if he wasn’t looking at it. It even came with some sort of medical adhesive to attach them right to your chest or you could use a special bra to keep them in place.

He pointed to the second one and said, “This one seems nice. How much?”

Steve saw Sandy waving her hands then she said, “It’s an early Christmas present.”

Tina tossed him two bra’s and another breast form, “We’ll figure it out later. Go try them on. The other box is B size just so you can compare.”

Steve went into the dressing room and pulled off his top but didn’t take off his bra. He’d never really thought much about it in the past but looking at himself in the mirror he guessed he looked like an A cup with the padded bra. He opened the C cup box and placed the form underneath his A cup bra. It looked a bit silly as the form stretched out his bra. Then he put the B cup form on the other side and looked in the mirror and pulled his blouse over top of himself and walked outside.

Sandy saw him exit first and laughed, “You look a little lopsided Sara.”

“I was tried to get an idea of the difference in size.”

Tina said, “In actuality there isn’t a lot of difference but it doesn’t take much to get a guys attention. I guess the question depends on the look you are trying to achieve. Are you going for feminine or sexy?”

“See that’s the thing. The guy in me likes the C Cup but I see what you mean. I guess I will go with the B cup.”

“Why don’t you go put that on then and come back out.”

A few minutes later Steve walked back out only now in proportion.

Tina pointed, “Look at yourself in the 3 way mirror.”

Steve looked and Tina was right. This was still feminine and as he flexed his knees he felt the heft of the new weight on his chest. “I really like these. I can even feel a bit of the weight on my back and shoulders.”

Sandy laughed, “And now you know why we girls wear bra’s. Just wait until you’ve been standing waiting on tables for hours and the bra straps are digging into your shoulders.”

Steve smiled, “Well not all of us are as well-endowed as you” then laughed at himself as he realized that Sandy was the only genetic female in the room. “How big are you anyway?”

“That’s a bit personal but I’m 36D if you must know. Honestly it’s a bit of a burden if you want to know the truth but I’m sure I get bigger tips at the restaurant because of them.”

Steve realized he was staring at his cousin’s breasts and also realized she was probably getting a bit uncomfortable. Sandy turned away and said to Tina, “We will take them and that CD. Anything else Sara?”

Steve was lost in thought, ’”No but I have a feeling I might be back. Can I wear these out?”

Tina replied, “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. Have fun with your new purchase.”

Vivica, Sandy and Steve left the store. Before getting in her car Sandy hugged Vivica.

“Thanks for helping out. I’ll call you later this week and we will go out.”

“You’d better.” Vivica turned to Steve and hugged him, “Stay strong and let me know if you need my help. I’m just a phone call away.” She handed him her business card. “My cell phone number is on that card.”

“Thanks Vivica. I appreciate everything you did today.”

“It was my pleasure Sara. See you later.”

Steve was lost in thought as he got in to the car and realized after a while that they hadn't moved. Sandy was looking at him with tears streamed down her face.

“Tears? Really Sandy?”

“Oh dammit Steve and yes I said Steve because I’m talking to my male cousin who I've watched become Sara in front of my eyes today. I honestly don’t know what else to say but dude you rock. I can’t believe you did all that today. And look at your hair. I fucking love it.!” Sandy screamed. “I was worried all last night but mom said she thought you’d be fine. Then you go and get your fucking nails done too! Just freaking amazing.”

“That might have been a mistake. I can barely even open my purse with these claws.”

“You get used to it but that’s not what I mean. You did it without me or Viv conspiring to prompt you.”

“Don’t give me too much credit. You are talking to someone that has been dressing as a woman continuously for months and professionally done nails have been a dream. You made that possible today. I gotta say Sandy that you are still a pain in the ass but it’s worth it.” He gave her a smile so she knew he was teasing.

Sandy replied, “Damn, we really are a bunch of saps?” She lit a cigarette. Steve grabbed one too and they sat in silence. Sandy stubbed hers out, “I really needed that. Mom doesn’t know I smoke and she knows everyone in the neighborhood so I can’t smoke as much when I’m at home. Spending all day at Viv’s almost killed me.”

Steve raised his eyes. “Your mom doesn’t know you smoke? I told her I did last night.”

“Oh shit.”

“It sounds like someone has a little coming out of their own to do.” Steve laughed and Sandy said, “You bitch!”

Steve just continued to laugh as Sandy started the car and they drove away.

Christmas time can be stress filled for everyone but that is especially true for Steve as he spends his first holiday away from home. Emotions rise as the big day approaches as he tries to find his place in the world with the help of Sandy, Kristy, and Marjorie. Will he be able to handle it?

Chapter 16

Steve noted Sandy wasn't driving to her Mom's house. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Sandy winked.

Steve shook his head. “No way! Another surprise? Haven't I had enough of those for one day?”

Sandy shrugged, “It’s not like that. I’m taking you to the halfway house. It’s only a matter of time before you do something to wreck your hair or makeup and Mom and Kristy would kill me if I didn’t take you to see them before that happened.”

Steve stifled a yawn. That made sense but it had already been a long day. Only the excitement kept him going. He placed a hand on his chest and felt a strange comfort in the new small mounds he found there. Without thinking he started to press a finger on the 'nipple' which surprised him again how much it seemed like a real breast. He pressed a bit harder and felt the inward pressure on his skin real skin underneath which gave him an odd thrill. He continued caressing himself until he realized the car had stopped. He looked over to Sandy who was staring at him.

“Do I need to give you some alone time?”

Steve smiled, “Thanks for the present. I didn’t realize how much I wanted them. Actually I didn’t really want them. I knew about them but always thought the idea was a bit silly. I can’t describe the feeling but it’s like they are a part of me and makes me feel more like…” Steve paused as if unsure if he say the next part out loud.

“Like a woman?” Sandy said.

“Yeah. Like a woman. It really feels great. Really great. You know what I mean?”

Sandy shrugged, “A little but then I’ve always had these,” and she pointed to her chest.

“True, well … thanks for the great gift.”

Sandy smiled, “Ready to go inside?”

“Yep.”

The Canaday House looked to Steve like something you might have seen a century ago judging by the size and style. As they walked up the steps Sandy explained it was named for a 16 year old prostitute whose death had created a local sensation.

The entryway was open and two staircases wound around the sides of the room to landing on the second floor. Steve saw Kristy standing at the top of the stairs but she seemed to be busy talking to someone. Sandy told him to wait while she went to find her mom but Steve decided to test Kristy's reaction by sneaking up the steps and listening in to Kristy's conversation.

Kristy noted Steve's arrival and she gave him a few quick glances over the next minute as she discussed meal plans with the other person that Steve assumed was the house cook. The glances became a stare as Kristy turned to face him, “Do I know?...” then her frustration turned to excitement, “Holy shit Sara! I really didn’t recognize you! I love the hair.”

Steve ran one hand through to the back of his head, “It’s a lot different that’s for sure.”

“Well I approve.”

A voice came in from down below, “Me too.” Steve looked down and said his Aunt standing in the waiting area. “Come down here so I can get a better look.” Steve did as ordered and stood in front of his Aunt.

“Simply amazing Sara. That haircut is darling and I love the color. Sandy said you went all out today.”

Steve said, “Well the color is supposed to fade by the time I go back to school or Viv told me she’d give me a touchup. I figured what the hell? I can also pull the hair back behind my ears or tie it into a ponytail like normal so it looks a lot more masculine so it’s not that daring.”

Aunt Marjorie asked, “Are those acrylic nails?”

“Gel with extensions.”

She nodded, “That’s a nice touch.”

“Like you said last night. I might as well take a few risks during this holiday. I’ve always wanted long nails like this but never could do it at school. Now I’m thinking it was a huge mistake because my hands are pretty much useless as I keep stabbing things.”

Marjorie laughed and held up her own hands, “You get used to them. Speaking of risks, are you up for another today?”

Steve's defenses came up immediately. “What now?”

Aunt Marjorie laughed, “I got invited to dinner tonight and I was stopping by to pick up Kristy but I thought you might like to join us? No pressure but I’m meeting some of my colleagues at a fancy restaurant downtown. I know it will be a bit out of your comfort range but I promise you the food there is simply amazing.”

“I don’t know. What if they figure me out?”

“They might but I want you to consider something. People are used to seeing me with people from the various LBGT communities and I doubt anyone would say a thing. If they do … do you really care? Other than the people you’ve met in the last day do you really know anyone in this town or care what they think?”

Steve considered her words and gave a slow nod, “That’s an interesting way to put it. Can you at least try to make sure we are in the back part of the room?”

Aunt Marj gave a reassuring smile, “I’ll try. “

Steve could see just how effective his aunt was at getting people to do things they might not like. She was a natural born politician but would have let her talent go to waste if she'd stayed back home.

Steve said, “Then I’ll do it.” He added. “I think you and Sandy should go into sales.”

Marjorie held firm, “I wouldn't ask if I thought it was too much.”

Steve gave a weak smile.

His aunt put her arm around Steve and gave him a hug. “It’ll be ok. Go get your cousin. We have reservations at 7pm at Franklin’s. She knows where it is.”

Steve searched around the lobby which was the last place he'd seen Sandy. There were a few people milling but none of them were his cousin. Since he was pretty sure that Sandy had to leave by this exit Steve decided to wait there.

The room was filled with posters with cliched inspirational sayings like “Don't Do Drugs!” or “Education is Important!” or “It Gets Better!” He had little interest in those but he felt himself drawn to the familiar looking poster of a cute cheerleader's holding two pom-poms.

The caption read 'Ashley Canaday'.

A series of nearby photos told her story. She'd been a popular girl at a local school and the series of reproductions even included a copy of her report card where she'd been a consistent honor roll student. The next series of photos showed an older looking girl but you could see it was still Ashley if you looked close as the wig and dark heavy makeup made her look years older. Steve couldn't help but be entranced by her eyes that told the tale of someone that had seen and done things that no one, especially a teenager, should have to experience. The last of the series was of newspaper clippings that told of her untimely end.

'Jane Doe Found under the Center Street Bridge'

'Body identified as local honor roll student'

'Canaday House Opens'

The last was a picture of two middle aged people cutting the ribbon opening the house. Steve noticed his aunt and a much younger looking Sandy standing next to them.

He heard a voice. “We were the same age. The two people holding the scissors are Ashley's parents who kicked her out of the house when they caught her stealing to pay for her drug habit. Talk about guilt.”

Steve turned to see his cousin standing next to him. He asked, “How'd she die?”

Sandy said, “No one knows for sure. Drugs? Drowning? Suicide? Murder? The medical examiner couldn't be certain though she had enough drugs inside her to kill a normal person. The official cause of death was drowning. The weird thing was there wasn't any trauma you'd find from someone who jumped from a bridge. Does anyone wade into the water to kill themselves? It was a mystery and the local media couldn't get enough of the story.”

Steve nodded. He didn't follow much news but thought he might have heard something.

Sandy added, “Mom used the outrage to get support to fund this place.”

“It's a shame.”

“Yes it was. I remember it well as I became part of Mom's entourage whenever she spoke on the subject. You never know what will capture the public's fancy as I've seen many similar deaths since that no one noticed.”

Steve nodded though he knew that wasn't true. The mysterious death of a cute, young, white female? Add in the cheerleading picture that could catch people's attention on the evening news? That will always sucker the public every time. His aunt was smart to use it to help other people.

Steve turned to face his cousin and noticed someone else standing there.

Sandy said, “Steve, I’d like you to meet Trudy. She lives here. We hung out a lot over the summer.”

Like most of the kids here, Steve found it difficult to place Trudy's age. She looked about twenty but figured she was much younger as everyone he'd seen had lost most of their innocence years before. “Nice to meet you Trudy.”

Trudy gave him an odd look as he spoke which he realized was probably due to his deep voice. He really needed to start working on that.

Trudy gave a shy wave. “Hi.” She paused for a moment before adding. “Sara.”

Steve ignored his embarrassment and changed the subject, “Sandy, do you know a place called Franklin's? Your mom wants us to meet her there for dinner at 7pm and I need your help before we go there.”

Sandy nodded, “I know it well. See you later Trudy?”

Trudy waved, “See you later. Nice to meet you Sara.”

Steve walked with Sandy to the car. “So what’s up?”

“Well I agreed to go to dinner but I’m a bit freaked and I want your honest opinion. Can I pass in public?”

Sandy said, “After what we did today? There’s no doubt in my mind if someone saw you from across a room they’d never be able to tell without someone telling them. Up close someone might think you look a bit masculine but not enough to say anything. The rest is just attitude.”

“But what about my mannerisms? I mean I’ve never thought about how a girl acts in public.”

“That’s a problem but don’t worry too much because you are naturally effeminate, no offense. The only advice I can give you is to make sure you suck in your belly, cross your legs and sit up straight. Other than that, I’d say just make sure to act as proper as you can and not draw attention to yourself. For instance eating a half a pancake in two bites would be a good example.”

Steve laughed, “Touché.”

“Make sure when you walk you move more with your hips. You have a tendency to stomp your feet. When you are moving think about taking smaller steps and try to glide across a room instead. Above everything be confident as people notice nervousness. That might cause them to look closer.”

“I’m starting to feel this is a really bad idea.”

“Nah you’ll be fine but we do need to work on your voice.”

Steve said, “Yeah. I think I freaked Trudy out.”

“Trudy? Nah. That girl has seen it all. Some of the things we did last summer...” Sandy stopped herself. “Nevermind... you do have a natural high pitched voice but girl’s voices are even higher. There’s no way we can do much now so I’d say just make sure you speak so your voice is a bit thinner. Let’s practice a bit by reading back to each other.”

Sandy picked up a magazine and started reading and Steve read it back to her. “That was too high. You sound like Alvin the Chipmunk. Just move up a note or two on the scale if you can and not so much bass in your voice.”

Steve read it back again. “That was better but still sounded a bit fake.”

Steve sighed, “I’m never going to be able to do this.”

“Don't worry about it. Just speak a bit quieter and with only the top of your vocal chords.”

Steve tried.

Sandy said, “Meh. It’s a bit better but you still need a lot of work. Maybe we will just tell them you’ve been chainsmoking for years,”

Sandy laughed.

“I don’t know Sandy. I’m starting to have second thoughts. Your mom made it sound so inviting.”

Sandy said, “Well she is a politician. She has to convince people to do things they aren’t sure they want to do every day.”

Steve buried his face in his hands. “Do you think I should try?”

“Of course I do. I go with mom all the time to Franklin’s Steakhouse and she loves to take kids from the halfway house. She says it’s show the kids how the other half lives but I think she also does it to show the work her projects are accomplishing. Every time we’ve gone I swear there’s always a politician or two in the place.”

“Great. So people will be expecting me to be either a drug addict or a runaway.”

“Probably. I have a question for you. How serious are you about cross-dressing? I mean what’s the point?”

“I’m not sure. That’s a really tough question.”

“Well you need to figure it out but in the meantime why not experience everything you can? One thing I guarantee is Mom will protect you.”

Steve gave up. “Oh all right.”

“Ready to go?”

Steve nodded and Sandy started the car then headed downtown.

They arrived ten minutes early and found a place to park on the street. As Steve exiting Sandy reminded him, “Speak softly but remember to glide and be confident.”

Steve laughed at the thought, “OK, now you are making me sound like a gay Teddy Roosevelt.”

Sandy returned the laugh. “Only you would think that.”

Steve focused on what Sandy had said and he walked toward the restaurant with Sandy following close behind. She whispered, “Much better,” but Steve ignored her and walked to the front entrance.

Sandy said, “We are a bit early so we should wait for Mom out here.” Steve grabbed a cigarette from his purse without realizing it. Sandy gave a jealous look and whispered, “You are doing it wrong.”

“Huh?”

“You are smoking like a guy. Give it to me.”

“Aren’t you worried about your mom?”, and passed her the cigarette.

“She’s always a bit late. See it’s more like this.” Sandy held the cigarette closer to her fingertips and not as firmly by the base. Sandy took a drag. “See it’s a bit more feminine this way. You aren’t far off.”

“Are you sure you didn’t do that just to bum a cigarette?”

“Maybe a little. It’s going to be a long dinner. Can I show you once more?”

Steve smiled and passed it back to her. She took a long drag and held it in then exhaled.

“That needs to hold me until we leave.”

The next few minutes Sandy gave pointers as they came to mind while they waited for her Mom. A few minutes after 7:00 her car pulled up and she passed the keys to the valet.

“Have you guys been waiting long?”

“Nah. Got here about ten minutes ago.” Steve crushed the remainder of his cigarette under his shoe and Marjorie looked at him.

“Ready to go in?”

“Let’s do this before I change my mind.”

The restaurant was packed and Steve was thankful for the dim lighting. Marjorie approached the desk and after few moments wait, a server appeared and escorted them from the room. As they walked through the room, Steve was nervous as he felt dozens of eyes glance in his direction but he kept telling himself to stay confident while attempting to take girlish steps in his 2-inch heels. He thought he was doing a good job when the waitress slowed near the back of the room and pointed to a table with 8 seats and 4 current occupants. Marjorie got to the table first and everyone rose to meet her.

Marjorie started, “Hello everyone.” Then looked at Sara and Sandy. “I’d like you to introduce you to Councilman Rich Williams and his wife Judy along with his aide Cindy Robertson and her husband Tom. Rich and I work together on city council.”

A tall man with jet-black hair walked to where Steve and Sandy were standing. “A pleasure,” then shook both their hands then as he returned to his seat, “I’ve heard all about you Sandy. How’s nursing school these days?”

“Not bad. Home for the winter break.”

Rich turned to Steve. “And what do you do?”

Marjorie interjected, “Sara is a longtime friend of Sandy’s just visiting for the holidays.”

Rich took a long look at Steve and said, “I see. Where are you from?”

Marjorie started to say something but Steve went first. Steve tried to think to speak with a slightly higher lilt to his voice but wasn’t sure how effective it was. “I go to State. I’m studying economics.”

Rich Williams gave a thoughtful look then replied, “Econ major. Too much math for me. I was a Poly Sci major as an undergrad. Enjoy college while you can. It was the best time of my life.”

Steve felt a bit uncomfortable and gave a simple, “It certainly has its moments.”

Rich’s wife interrupted, “Don’t embarrass the girl.” Steve looked up at the comment and hoped that no one noticed his smile when Judy used a feminine reference.

“Sorry. It is a habit from the job. The more you know the more votes you can get. Not all of us have the luxury of a guaranteed spot on the council,” and smiled at Marjorie.

Aunt Marj smiled back, “Nothing is sure in politics as you well know. Shall we order appetizers?”

The dinner proceeded without a hitch as Steve quietly ate his dinner and listened to the conversation that mostly drifted between the three co-workers. As Steve ate his steak, he found he had to agree with his aunt that the food was certainly worth it. He pretended to listen to the conversation but focused on the position of his hands and feet while trying to keep good posture. The latter was a bit uncomfortable because he had always been a bit of a sloucher and because it felt like he was trying to show off his new “breasts”. They weren’t very big but over time it seemed the weight pulled on his bra straps which made his back hurt a little though he found the better his posture the less it hurt. Then there was the fact that as he was struggling to relearn to use a fork and knife with his new fingernails. The worst part was he kept bumping his breast with his forearm and the periodic pressure was a constant reminder. As they finished the main course without incident Steve was pleased as it seemed to have gone as well as could be expected.

As they finished Steve watched an older gentleman approach, “Marjorie, Rich, I didn’t know you were coming here tonight or I would have invited you to my table.”

Steve looked at the man in the expensive suit and a smile to match. He walked around the table and greeted everyone by name. When he got to Steve he said, “I don’t believe we have met.” Again Marjorie interjected and said, “Mayor Jackson, this is Sara, a friend of Sandy’s that is visiting for the holidays.”

The mayor smiled and said, “Pleased to me you Sara.” Steve responded with a quiet 'nice to meet you'.

A small crowd had gathered to watch the proceeding and the mayor motioned to a man standing nearby to join them. “Pete, why don’t you take our picture?” He then motioned for everyone to move to his side of the table. Before Steve knew what was happening someone shouted, “Everyone smile!” Steve attempted to smile as the flash temporarily blinded him. Within seconds the mayor had moved on to the next table.

Rich and Marjorie started laughing when the mayor got out of earshot and Rich spoke first, “You’ve all just seen a fine example of politicking. No doubt he will use that picture for a campaign somewhere.”

Marjorie added, “No doubt it will be used in my district as an example of his close support for the LGBT community even though I always have to twist his arm for funding.”

Sandy just looked at Steve with a grin and said, “I hope I didn’t have food in my teeth.”

Everyone gave a dutiful laugh.

Rich added, “Actually you all look quite lovely tonight. I’m sure the picture was fine.”

It didn't take long to finish their drinks and then everyone said their goodbyes. Steve walked self-conscious through the room hoping no one would notice but the mayor's presence seemed to be a gravitational force of its own. The restaurant’s attention was wholly fixed on him so Steve made a quick exit with Sandy close behind. When they made it to a spot no one could see them Steve lit a cigarette and handed another to Sandy. They stood next to the car while they finished.

Sandy said, “That went pretty well I thought.”

“You think anyone knew?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if a few wondered but I bet more than a few thought you were hot.”

Steve blushed, “It wasn’t that bad but I’m not sure I could ever get used to it.”

Sandy said, “Well this is your girl’s holiday. I’d say we’ve had a pretty good start.”

“No doubt.”

Steve was in his room watching TV when he heard a phone ring. A few minutes later he heard Aunt Marj knock on his door.

She entered, “I have some … interesting news.”

Steve’s eyes perked in response.

Marjorie continued, “The person on the phone wanted to know your name.”

That made Steve nervous, “Why?”

“It seems that picture with the mayor was passed to the Herald and they are running it in tomorrow’s Local section of the paper.” She passed him her laptop that had an email opened. In the middle of the page was a picture of the group with the caption –

'Mayor Jackson enjoying a holiday meal with some of his constituents. Also pictured Councilman Williams and wife Judy, Councilman Robinson with Kristy Butler, Tom and Cindy Robertson, and Sandy Robinson with friend Sara Keltaine.'

Steve looked at the picture and didn’t recognize himself at first. Then a thought crossed his mind that his outside matched his inside. As he stared he noticed the name change. “Sara Keltaine?”

“I thought I’d give you an alias just in case someone back home reads this. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I can’t believe my picture is in the paper.”

Kristy had joined and said, “It looks quite cute. I don’t see how anyone could recognize you.”

Marjorie added, “I’m sorry Sara if this makes you uncomfortable.”

Steve shook his head. “It’s ok I guess. I hardly recognize me. It would be really tough for someone to know unless they were told.”

Marjorie nodded, “Have I told you how proud I am about how well you are taking this?”

Steve nodded, “Honestly Aunt Marjorie, you guys have been great. I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time. I usually struggle to get to sleep but I'm finding I can barely keep my eyes open when it's time for bed.”

“Then sleep well and have pleasant dreams.”

Steve undressed and stared at the stark contrast below the neckline of his naked body. On impulse he opened the box where he'd put the breast forms and retrieved the instruction manual. After a few practice attempts Steve used the medical adhesive spray to fix the forms to his chest. It only took a few minutes for the glue to set and when he released them he felt a slight tug on his skin as gravity took over and it gave him a thrill. He returned to the standing mirror to get a better look and while he knew the room wasn't well lit, Steve could have swore the edges on the forms had blended into his skin. He jumped so he could again feel the weight moving on his chest. Two dark aureoles stood out from the rest of his body.

'That's better.'

Steve crawled into bed a few minutes later. As he drifted to sleep his arms were crossed firmly over his chest, his smile a fixture on his face.

Chapter 17

The days flew by as Steve and Sandy helped his aunt get ready for the holiday. The preparations were certainly more intense than the lazy days back home. Steve learned that when Marjorie had first bought the house she started a neighborhood tradition of putting out an open invitation on Christmas Eve to anyone that had nowhere else to go. Marjorie explained that she did it initially to cope with her loneliness during the holidays but now it served a different purpose of bringing the community together. It was her way of giving back. Steve had the cynical thought that it probably didn’t hurt her in the voter’s booth either.

Aunt Marjorie explained that as the neighborhood grew, her Christmas celebration grew as well. It didn't take long for it to be too big to fit inside a house which is why they moved it to the rec center. Kristy, Steve, and Sandy made countless trips for supplies all over town and due to the nature of the work, Steve wasn’t able to wear outfits or makeup that could better hide the obvious signs of his genetics. He worried about it at first but as he lost himself in his labors he realized that strangers didn't seem to care.

'Was the real issue inside him?'

As the crowds gathered on Christmas Eve, Steve sat at the main table with his Aunt dressed in an outfit that Sandy helped picked out for the occasion. The festivities commenced with the lighting of the Christmas tree and afterward Marjorie thanked everyone for coming,

“Christmas can be a tough time for those of us who for whatever reason can’t be with our loved ones. I started this tradition a few years ago when I realized how much I had come to hate this holiday. I saw people all over the world getting together with their families and I missed it. I like to think of this community as my family so I welcome each one of my family members to the Village’s Fifth Annual Christmas celebration. This past year has been a happy one for me as we were able to secure funding through a mix of public and private donations so the Canaday House and the neighborhood Public Health Clinic should be around for a long time to come.”

The applause grew to a standing ovation as it seemed the crowd was letting out a lifetime of frustration at once. When everything quieted Aunt Marjorie continued, “I have been blessed to have found someone like Kristy to be by side and help me through the trying times we all have in life. I have been further blessed to have my daughter Sandy with me for the holiday along with a new addition to my family, my niece Sara.”

Steve followed Sandy’s lead and raised his hand at the mention of his name.

“I’m sure you are all hungry but before we start I’d like Reverend Mark to lead us in prayer.”

Steve noticed an older man at their table stand and his eyes pierced the crowd until it grew silent and he knew he had everyone's attention.

“There can be no clarity, no affection, no honesty, no real exuberance for the holiday without facing the harder truths. After all, hope is the theme of this season, remember. And hope is not cheap optimism, which is often just a cowardly sense of entitlement, but rather, hope is the mainspring of a life that neither denies the past nor romances the future.

But it seems to me that hope in the midst of hard reality is the purpose of the Christmas story. Luke tells a story of poverty, heavy taxes, and a difficult family situation which is hardly a pretty tale for children all dolled up with pink bows. Birth itself is not an easy thing….ask any woman. …especially back in those days. The shepherds in the story may have had a wondrous experience, but from all we know about the shepherds of ancient times, their reputation wasn’t much better than a gang of modern thugs. They were not the kind of folks anyone would want crowding into their maternity room…

The Christmas story is a story with lots of tough elements in it. But think ... how many stories of people you know are not fraught with hardship and difficulties? Most life stories I can think of, my own story included, and yours, fill the bill almost as well as this ancient story.

And yet, in the midst of the Christmas story, which makes the difficulties plain and obvious, we hear…like some far off angel-song…that something remarkable is still possible in this world. Something like hope is stirring. Something that might not be as obvious as the march of legions, the sound of the war trumpet, or the clatter of coins on the tax table. But still something…tender skin, skin still red and wet, a voice crying out, new life.

A fresh start. ¹

I can think of no more fitting story for each of you to remember in your lives. We all face our own personal demons and while every challenge is different, the struggle is similar. Every day is a blessing and if you take the time to remind yourself of that fact, you will find that the world is an extraordinary place.

Let us pray.”

Steve reflected on the words as the reverend finished his sermon. Steve had spent the first 20 years of his life trying to be someone he knew he wasn’t. For much of the past year he had tried to change but felt he could only do it by running away from everyone he knew. He was even running away from his parents at Christmas. Was life as simple as relying hope and faith to deal with his issues? He knew he hadn’t had much of either for a long time.

Steve noticed everyone start to raise their heads and he heard his aunt voice, “Everyone start forming a line in the back. We will start serving the meal in a few moments.” That was his cue to help on the serving line.

Serving food was a new experience. He tried to emulate Sandy whose skills easily eclipsed his own as she mixed small talk with the ability to move customers along. Many of the faces seemed familiar and he even got a few compliments on his look which caused him to lose focus and slow the line. Sandy didn’t help as she tried to hook him up with anyone that seemed interested.

The crowd was a strange mix of the homeless and the disenfranchised along with many people Steve assumed were community leaders. The one thing they all had in common was smiles. Tina was there as well as Vivica who brought most of her staff to help serve. Once everyone had gone through the line, Steve got a plate and walked to the reverend.

Steve tried to think of something clever to say but failing that said simply, “Nice sermon.”

The reverend finished chewing, “Thanks. It’s Sara right?”

Steve nodded, “It’s a bit more complex than that but yeah.”

Reverend Mark smiled, “Life is always a bit more complex though usually at our own making.”

Steve nodded, “Would you have some time to talk? I really would love to ask you a few questions about your church.”

The man laughed, “Well, most people will tell you that talking is what I do best. You can find me at the church over on 3^rd. I’m almost always available so feel free to stop by sometime or if you’d prefer, call me to set up an appointment.” The reverend passed him a card with his number on it.

“Thanks, I will do that.”

Steve returned to his seat next to Sandy. “The Rev is pretty cool huh?”

Sandy must have noticed his detour and Steve nodded, “He’s different than Pastor Dan but they both have that ability to dominate a room. It’s funny how someone like that can make you feel like a child.”

Sandy nodded as she chewed her food then swallowed, “He’s a good man. As you can imagine we’ve had quite a few conversations over the years.”

Steve nodded. He knew from experience that Sandy’s reputation as a wild child was well earned.

The rest of the evening was a blur of faces. Everyone wanted to spend time with Marjorie and the people at her table. As things died down, Steve saw Sandy talking to Vivica and heard them planning their secret New Year’s Eve plans. Steve couldn’t think that far ahead. All he could think of was the reverend’s sermon of a better future. Tomorrow was Christmas. Tomorrow was hope. You could see it in the eyes of the people as they approached the table that perhaps on that one day, anything was possible. There was no doubt that life had dealt most people in the room a tough hand. They came to the dinner from different paths and no one got there without pain. Steve saw Tina standing across the room talking to a few of her friends.

Steve waved to get her attention and she joined him in a quiet corner. Tina didn’t say a word which Steve took as a cue to talk.

“Do you some time to talk about Hormone Replacement Therapy? I’ve been giving it some thought and have a lot of questions.”

Tina said, “Of course. Ask me anything.”

Chapter 18

Christmas morning Steve spoke to his aunt and he repeated the conversation he had with Tina. As expected, her response was the same as it had been since he came to her house. She supported him no matter what he decided. Steve waited a few days as his aunt suggested then called Doctor Johnson to see if she was available for a session. It couldn't wait.

The doctor was nice enough to make some time the next day. Since the campus was empty, Steve decided to take a chance and dress in one of the new outfits Kristy bought him for Christmas. As he got closer to campus, the dread that someone might see him started to build but he relaxed once he saw the vacant lots.

There was one other car in the clinic parking lot when he arrived. He parked as close as he could to the entrance then called Doctor Johnson. She unlocked the door a few minutes later and as Steve hurried inside, she gave him a broad smile. “Steve, you look wonderful!”

Steve did a pirouette but stopped when he felt the blood rush to his face, “I’m going by Sara over the break. My aunt insists I use one name while I’m on vacation and I’m starting to get used to it.”

Doctor Johnson nodded and Steve knew that look meant the info would soon be in her notebook. Steve took his normal position sitting on the couch.

Doctor Johnson sat across from him in a chair. She acted like normal which Steve thought was amazing considering his change in dress. He tried to ignore the thought but found it difficult to talk.

She started instead, “You asked for this meeting, so what’s up?”

Once Steve founnd his voice, it felt like the events of last week came out in a solid stream of sound. He told her everything he could remember and even gave her a copy of the picture with the Mayor.

“Sara Keltaine?”

Steve laughed, “It was my aunt’s idea. I’ve been going by Sara all week and when the photographer needed my name for the credit on the picture, she modified it to try to keep the folks back home from realizing it was me.”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “Cute picture. I like your new haircut. I assume you took the name Sara from Kathy?”

Steve nodded, “When my cousin asked me for a name it was the first thing I thought of. It’s a bit weird but I’ve grown to like it.”

She nodded and scribbled some more notes into her pad, “You don’t realize how lucky you are to have a good support system. I know your aunt by reputation and you couldn’t ask for better.”

“Yeah. I think she is trying to get me used looking like this. She’s always spouting off lines like ‘you can’t expect anyone to like you unless you like yourself first’. “

Doctor Johnson said, “Like I said, ‘You are lucky.’ Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

Steve took a deep breath, “No. I wanted to talk about hormones. I want to start them as soon as possible.”

Doctor Johnson nodded, “That’s what I expected but are you sure that’s what you want? You don’t have to rush it. There’s nothing stopping you of putting this off until you are completely sure.”

Steve shook his head, “That’s the thing doc. I know I want this. I also know that waiting will mean that testosterone will continue to make changes to my body as it matures. I really should have done this 4-5 years ago.”

“You know that wasn’t possible Steve as you weren’t emotionally ready. Or should I call you Sara now?”

The doctor looked unsure as she continued, “I’m still not sure you are ready. We could put you on hormone blockers.”

Steve felt his frustration build, “I know what you must be thinking but I’ve spent some time the last two weeks getting to know myself. I’ve met a lot of great people who don’t judge me and found that it isn’t so bad. I even met someone that has gone through this and she’s helped me understand what I’d be facing. I know it won’t be easy but I know what I want. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since Christmas. I’ve weighed all the pro’s and con’s and I’ve never wanted anything like I want this.”

Doctor Johnson flipped to another page in her notes, “I want to remind you that in our last meeting you said and I quote, ‘My freaking life is over! My dad will never accept me and neither will my friends.’ Has anything changed since you said that?”

Steve crossed his arms and felt the breast forms dig into his skin, “Nothing has changed for them but they will have to accept me.”

Doctor Johnson added, “There is more to it than that. Your job prospects are lowered, you open yourself to hate crimes, you open yourself to discrimination, and it’s going to be tougher to find friends. I want to make sure you understand that this is not a game. These drugs have a powerful effect on your mind as well as your body.”

Steve felt his temper grow, “Come on Doc. Are you trying to talk me out of this? I want to change! I NEED TO CHANGE! I CAN’T CHANGE WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE SO I NEED TO CHANGE THE OUTSIDE!”

Doc Johnson smiled, “Steve, you need to calm down. I just want you to be sure it is what you truly want. Some of the saddest cases I’ve seen are people like you that felt they were sure and went through with HRT only to realize years later that the issue was deeper. I’ve seen these drugs do great help too and if you are truly sure then I will write you a letter. I only have one condition. I’d like you to stop smoking.”

The request caught Steve by surprise, “Why does that matter?”

“In some ways it doesn’t but your smoking stems not just from your relationship with Kathy but also because you are emulating the strongest female role model you know.”

Steve thought he knew the answer to this one, “My mom?”

“That’s my suspicion. It’s not uncommon for kids to want to be like their parents. I’d bet that’s one reason why you felt the need to wear women’s clothes and one of the reasons why you ended up at her dressing table.”

“Are you saying I don’t want to be a girl, I just want to be my mom?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “No. It’s only one factor. Your mom was the one consistent female in your life and if you truly accept yourself as a woman, then you don’t need the cigarettes to help you emulate one. There are other reasons as well. Hormone therapy has many risk elements and smoking not only increases these risks but it also reduces the effectiveness of the drugs. That’s really why I want you to stop. You do know that smoking is bad for you, right?”

Steve said, “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. How’s this? If you put me on hormones, I promise to stop. I’d hate to think I might l might not develop as much just because I was smoking.”

Doctor Johnson gave Steve a look, “Really? It comes down to breast size?”

Steve laughed, “It’s not just that but that’s definitely part of it.”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “Well if it helps make you stop then I’m all for it.”

Steve said, “So when can I start hormones?”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “You are persistent. The way it works is I will need to refer you to a doctor that specializes in that area and they will make the final determination though I'm sure a letter from me will speed things up. Have you decided where you are going to live after graduation?”

“Not really but I’m thinking of living near my aunt. Is there a doctor close by?”

Doctor Johnson gave Steve a list of names. “Maybe you should talk to your transgender friend and check out the doctors on the list until you find one you like. Refer them to me and we will work together to figure out where we go from here.”

“Does that mean I will get HRT?”

“You seem like a good candidate Steve. I expect the specialist will agree.”

Steve stood up and practically pulled Doctor Johnson off the couch in a bear hug. “Thanks Doc!”

After she caught her breath, Doctor Johnson replied, “You’re welcome. Just remember this is only a start of a long journey. We need to continue our meetings when you return to school. Is that fair?”

“Fair enough doc,” Steve ran from the room to spread the good news.

His aunt was home when Steve arrived.

“I’m so happy for you Sara,” she paused, “I’m sure Tina will be a great help as you look for doctors. Of course you are welcome to stay here for as long as you’d like.” Aunt Marjorie looked lost in thought for a moment then asked, “Have you considered what you are doing after graduation?”

Steve shuffled his feet. “A little but honestly my grades have been so bad this past year that I haven’t been able to interview.”

Majorie nodded, “Do you remember the lady we met at dinner before Christmas? Cindy Robertson?”

“The aide to Councilman Williams?”

“That's her. All council members are all allowed to have one aide on their staff but I've never used one since I like to do all my own work. In recent years that has gotten harder as my responsibilities have grown. I'm sure you've seen the mess in my office. The job is low pay and the hours suck. You are way overqualified but it does get your foot in the door of city government. Would you be interested?”

Steve said, “Of course I would!”

“That’s great. I’ve been putting off hiring anyone for a long time and I’m sure Kristy will be thrilled since she's my only help.”

Steve was overwhelmed, “This is too much Aunt Marj. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

She answered, “Nonsense. You don’t realize how nice it is to have some contact with family. Besides, you face a long tough journey and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything in my power to help you through it. You are my niece after all.”

Aunt Marj smiled then turned thoughtful, “You might not believe the stats I see about kids in your situation. They are pretty depressing though on the other hand you might want to listen to some of the office staffers downtown. I have a bit of a reputation as a hard ass.”

Steve gave a dutiful laugh. “I'm sure I can handle it.”

“Good, it's settled. Are you ready to go downstairs and tell the others?”

Marjorie had everyone gather in the kitchen. “Go ahead and tell them.”

Steve said, “I just got approval from my shrink to start hormones…”

Sandy interrupted, “AWESOME!”

“… and after graduation I’m coming here to work as Aunt Marj's aide.”

It was Kristy’s turn to interrupt with a desperate plea. “You can’t get here soon enough!”

Steve was at a loss for words but tried to continue, “A lot has happened to me and I just don’t know how to thank you guys. I mean if you saw me …” Steve found the words wouldn’t continue. A thought of his call to the suicide line popped into his head and tears streamed down his cheeks.

Sandy broke the silence, “Are you sure you aren’t already taking estrogen Sara? I’ve noticed you’ve been crying a lot lately.“

His aunt came to his defense. “Speaking of tears, the one condition Sara’s therapist requested in exchange for approving HRT is that she quit smoking. Kristy and I have been trying to stop for years so this seems like a good reason for all of us to stop.”

This comment made Steve smile and he wiped his tears, “All of us?”

His aunt stared directly at her daughter, “All of us.”

For once, Sandy had no response.

Note:

^{1 – The prayer in chapter 17 is adapted from a 12-24-2008 sermon by Reverend Mark Belletini – you can find it at firstucolumbus.org. I found it while researching churches that would accept people of different lifestyles and liked his simple but effective message. Rather than rewrite something with a similar message, I copied it for the first 2/3s of the sermon and am giving credit.}

As Steve focuses on HRT, secret plans will change his future forever. Is he strong enough to find his way when the help of others cause Steve to question himself?

Chapter 19

“Nice haircut.”

“You know you like it Tim.”

Steve had invited Tim to join him for the celebratory dinner and as Steve expected, Tim and Sandy got along like long lost siblings. The sarcasm was overbearing but he he knew it was a good test as it would be much worse if someone found out at school.

In truth, Steve didn't see much of either Tim or Sandy as they planned New Year's Eve with Vivica. He was busy with Tina as she and got him in contact with a doctor then insisted he join her at a few meetings of a local TG support group. Steve begged the doctor to set up an appointment right away but the best he could get was a consult in two weeks with a promise to call him if anyone canceled.

Tina explained the initial consultation would consist of things Doctor Johnson had already explained and that armed with the therapist's letter it shouldn't take more than a month before he was approved for injections. A month seemed like a lifetime but there was little Steve could do about it.

Tina and her friends were a great source of information of all the things transgender and helped him through the process. Their first appointment was for facial electrolysis and they introduced him to a local speech therapist who specialized in transgender cases. The most embarrassing part of the week was the visit to the sperm bank to make a donation. Tina explained it was her only regret from her own transition.

Steve was so busy with Tina that he totally forgot about their New Year’s Eve. The fact that neither Tim nor Sandy had given a hint of the plan did give cause for concern.

The festivities started around noon with drinks at his aunt’s house. Steve had planned to wear one of his nicer dresses but Sandy and Tim had a different idea. The outfit they had picked was a black mini dress that ended just below his groin with fishnet stockings and thigh high boots. The outfit left little to the imagination and when Sandy handed him the gaff he tried to ignore her laughter. As he put it on, memories of the Halloween party Sue had planned flashed in his mind. It had been over a year since he'd first used one of these and he'd grown to like the sensation as it pushed his testes to a prepubescent state and pulled the rest of him to a hidden spot between his legs. He rubbed the empty area in his crotch to experience the slight thrill it always gave as few other things made him feel as feminine.

Sandy did his makeup with an extremely heavy touch and Tina even helped with a long black wig. When he saw himself in the mirror, Steve figured he was ready for Vegas.

Everyone rocked an outrageous look. Sandy made up her face in Japanese techno punk accompanied by a pink wig and lots of glitter. Tim even got into the act in spandex, sequins, and a blonde wig that reminded Steve of Dolly Parton. Of course, no one could top Vivica with her feathers and a boa.

The evening started with a runway show in Aunt Marjorie’s living room. When his turn came, Steve exaggerated his movements as he strutted down the makeshift catwalk. He struck a pose at the end of hall then walked back through the crowd to laughter and raucous applause. These people had no shame and Steve was loving every minute.

After a few more choice beverages, Vivica walked them through the dance number she planned later that night. Steve was sure he'd forget them by midnight but like a boat in a hurricane, he felt swept up by events that were bigger than him.

It wasn’t long until the taxis arrived. They stopped in front a place called The Pinafore. The line stretched around the corner.

Tim shouted over the crowd, “This is one of my favorite places in the Village.”

Steve said, “You've come here before?”

Tim replied, “Every gay man in town knows about this place.” Tim laughed, “You will see things tonight that will make your head spin country boy.”

Steve was sure that was true. They made their way through the crowd and Steve saw a mix of costumes and while a few people were dressed like you’d see at any college bar, they were definitely a minority. This was a celebration of the different.

Steve and Tim walked to towards the back of the line but Vivica's voice shone clear above the noise, “Over here honey! Talent enters through the back.”

Steve shouted back, “If you expect me to dance on stage I’m going to need a lot more alcohol!”

Tim passed him a flask, “I’m way ahead of you there buddy.”

Steve saw Sandy next to the back door smoking a cigarette.

“Weren’t you supposed to stop that?”

Sandy said, “It’s my New Year’s resolution but it’s not the New Year yet.”

Steve hadn’t had a cigarette for 2 days and his lungs ached, “I like the way you think.”

It was only 9pm but you’d never know by the sound inside. When they finished they found the rest of the group by the bar and Steve looked at the crowd. It was unlike anything he had ever seen. The outfits were outrageous and the actions even wilder. Steve knew he was blushing and while he tried not to be obvious, he stood in the shadows trying to absorb everything.

Steve saw Tim's smiling face when he turned around. Tim said, “I bet you don’t see this back home.”

Steve tried to play it like he wasn't shocked by what he saw, “No you don’t.” The rest of the group broke into laughter.

Vivica shouted, “Try to close your mouth honey! Someone is liable to get the wrong idea and stick something in it!”

Steve had a few drinks as he continued his observations of the chaos around him. Everything was uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time but it got better after the drinks took effect. He felt a tug on his shoulder and Tim pulled him to the dance floor.

“I want you to meet some of my friends.”

Tim shouted some names and Steve shook some hands but it was too loud to hear. Everyone looked like they were having a good time. Like he'd done the night he'd first gone dancing in a dress, Steve started with a simple shuffle step then closed his eyes and let the music take over. It didn't matter how bad it looked. No one here cared much about anything. They only cared that they were having fun and as Steve danced it felt like a lifetime of repression fell from him. He felt free.

Pinafore's was an oasis for people like him – people that were different. The world chose to label them as freaks instead of trying to understand an inner turmoil they couldn't escape. This was an escape of a different sort.

Steve's world felt like it was spinning on its axis but that might have been the alcohol. It was liberating knowing that anything he did was mild in comparison to what was happening around him. He felt someone press from behind and put their arms around his waist. He turned and without a second thought, kissed Tim square on the lips.

When Steve pulled back he wished he had a camera. Tim and Sandy wanted to try to shock him? He’d jump in the deep end. When Steve moved in to kiss Tim again his friend retreated through the safety of the crowd.

A horrified thought hit Steve as he realized, 'What have I done?'

As Steve stood not sure whether to laugh at the absurdity of the situation or cry from the rebuff he'd just received from his friend, a voice shouted in his ear.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tim's face look so shocked!”

Steve turned to face Tim’s friend.

A cute girl stood in front of him. She shouted again, “I think Tim was planning to ask you if you wanted another drink. He certainly ran to the bar fast enough after you kissed him. Care to join me at our table? Tim shouldn't be long.”

Steve nodded and followed the girl off the dance floor. Steve started laughing as they sat down.

“I can't believe I did that.”

The girl was laughing too, “Are you the guy Tim has been telling me so much about?”

The realization that Steve and this girl had been talking about him caused his insecurities to come back. It was so easy to forget himself in this place.

“Probably. It’s complicated but I’ve known Tim since our freshman year. He was the gay guy in the hall and I was a rube from the backcountry. Despite that we’ve become friends.”

“He told me.”

Steve wondered how much Tim told her. He’d gotten used to living with his aunt for the last few weeks and he felt panicked. Everything was so safe in her house. The knot in his stomach grew larger as he realized it wouldn't be long before he had to go back to school.

Steve forced the thoughts out. “Do you go to State?”

The girl said, “I knew Tim in high school. You could say we are soul mates. He came out about six months after I did.”

This news surprised Steve but he felt a little stupid when he realized where they were, “Really?”

“Yeah. He had it tougher than me and I became his adviser of sorts. He’s a really good guy. We’ve even got a surrogate pact in case neither of us meets that special person.”

“You are dating?”

She laughed, “Not really, we are into different things. I think of him like a brother. Like I said, he’s told me all about you.”

She said it again. What did it mean that she knew all about him? Was she trying to make him insecure? Steve asked, “He told you everything?”

She shrugged, “As far as I know.”

“Did he tell you I’m transitioning?”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind.”

Steve felt uncomfortable. This girl was attractive and he knew that at least one part of his body liked her. Recent events confused the rest of him.

Steve steeled himself, “I don’t mind. It was only three months ago that I told the first person and it’s still tough to sort my feelings. Telling each person has been its own challenge though it seems alcohol helps.”

The girl looked around, “Speaking of alcohol, where's Tim?”

Steve looked to the bar where he saw Tim talking with Sandy. Steve pointed, “It looks like he’s abandoned us.”

The girl said, “You really must have freaked him out with that kiss. What was that all about?”

Steve shrugged, “I really don’t know. It just seemed like the thing to do.”

She asked, “Do you like him?”

“I'm not sure. I think I just wanted to freak him out more than anything.”

The girl laughed, “I’d say you accomplished that.”

This girl's laugh was infectious and Steve felt his anxiety fall away. “It serves him right. I might have been a jerk to him as a freshman but he’s paid me back a hundred fold. He loves to come on to me but I doubt he'd ever think I'd ever take him up on it. Now that he's avoiding me I feel bad. He’s helped me through some dark places.”

“That’s what he said. You seem to be doing well tonight.”

“It’s easier in a place like this. My aunt told me I need to stop obsessing over things. She has really made the last few weeks easy. My cousin is standing next to Tim at the bar. They were the ones that organized everything tonight.”

The girl said, “I met Sandy the other day. She’s definitely a wild one.”

Steve nodded, “No doubt.”

Steve changed the subject, “I’m sorry but it was loud on the dance floor when met. What is your name again?”

She gave a smile that made Steve's toes curl. “Henna.”

“It's nice to meet you Henna.”

When Tim didn't return with drinks, Steve and Henna decided to join them at the bar. Henna hit Tim in the arm, “What’s with ditching us! I thought you were getting me something to drink.”

Tim rubbed his arm, “Ouch! Dammit Hen, that hurt.”

“You deserved it. Did Sara’s kiss freak you out that much?”

Steve's heart skipped a beat when he heard Henna use his proper name.

Tim seemed embarrassed, “No, I just needed to talk to Sandy. If ‘Sara’ wants to continue our discussion from the dance floor, ‘she’ can meet me back stage. I know a private little spot where we won’t be disturbed.”

Steve wasn’t listening as he stared at Henna. She seemed cool. When he turned and saw everyone staring, he knew Tim was calling his bluff, “I’m sorry Tim but I'm not interested in whatever it is you are offering. That kiss didn’t do much for me.”

Vivica interrupted the conversation by waving everyone to the dance floor.

Sandy yanked Steve's arm and held him back from joining the others.

She said, “What the hell was that?”

Steve shrugged, “Kissing Tim? I don’t know. It just came to me. Your mom told me I should try new things.”

Sandy shook her head, “Did it ever occur to you that there was a reason that Tim took you out to meet his friends? Henna in particular?”

Steve shrugged, “Not really. He’s never mentioned her.”

“She’s his best friend from home and he was trying to fix you up. Just when he’s about to get you alone together, you pull that stunt. He and I’ve been setting this up for days.”

“But she’s….”

“Bi-sexual? So what? Recent events have shown you are too.”

Steve stammered, “Does she….”

“Does she know this was a setup? Of course not. Tim said she’d kill him if she knew what we had planned but we thought you might hit it off. She’s a runner too.”

Steve said, “I haven’t done much of that lately.”

“I just thought I’d mention it in case you are interested in trying to salvage the situation.”

Steve nodded, “She is pretty hot.”

Sandy answered, “Don’t I always look out for you?”

Steve watched the group by the dance floor and keyed in on Henna. She saw him staring and waved for him to join them as his heart skipped a beat. What did that mean? Everything was so confusing. He didn’t even notice that Sandy had left until she returned with a tray full of shots.

Sandy said, “We go on soon and I’m not going up there sober.”

Steve looked around at the crowd and grabbed two shots then downed them both in succession.

Sandy shouted, “Hey, slow down! Remember what happened last time you did that?”

Steve laughed. He looked over the bar to where Tim and Henna were staring back. Was it possible they were having a similar conversation?

The wait for the dance contest to begin was nerve wracking. During the last walk through at Marjorie’s house Steve realized his role was to dance in unison with the others in the background while Vivica strutted around the stage. That was fine by him and after a few more shots, he didn't even feel nervous.

Sandy touched up his makeup and they rushed on stage. Vivica had picked the song “I’m Too Sexy” which was perfect as it had a good beat and most of the audience started to dance along. Vivica grabbed the microphone and with the charisma of a born entertainer it wasn't long before she had the audience in the palm of her hand.

As he moved in beat from his position at the back of the stage, Steve wished he felt half as confident as someone like Vivica. It must be nice to be that sure of yourself.

Once the song finished, Vivica took her entourage backstage and it seemed like half the audience moved with her. Dozens of people surrounded her and Steve could tell she loved every minute of it. Steve found a quiet corner to collect his thoughts. A familiar face found him.

Henna said, “You guys were great. Tim asked me to join but I don’t think I could ever do that.”

Steve answered, “I didn’t think I could either but the four shots of whiskey helped some. I kept reminding myself that everyone was watching Vivica.”

Henna smiled, “Not everyone.”

Steve felt his face darken and changed the subject, “So I hear you’re a runner?”

Henna smiled again, “Yeah, I ran in high school and did well. I still run to keep in shape and do an occasional 10k but recently decided to try for a marathon. Do you run?”

Steve said, “I used to. I’ve always thought I’d like to run in a marathon someday.”

“We should train together when you are in town.”

Steve thought about the cigarette he had snuck before they went on stage, “Yeah, we should.”

Steve heard shouting then a chorus of “5 … 4 … 3 …” Henna shrugged at the countdown and leaned forward. Steve knew what she expected but he panicked. Did he like girls? Did he like guys? Was he ready for something like this? He hadn’t kissed a girl since Kathy. His mind was spinning.

Auld Lang Syne began to play and Henna laughed at the missed moment. Steve struggled with his thoughts and closed his eyes in an attempt to answer the voices shouting in his head.

He knew what Steve would do but wasn’t he Sara too? What did that mean? Why did he kiss Tim? Did he know himself well enough to pursue Henna?

Steve felt two warm lips on his and he opened his eyes. Henna was smiling but pulling away so he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her tight as they kissed again. All thought of Steve and Sara … male and female … gay and straight faded into the background. As their lips parted Steve tasted the remnants of whatever fruity beverage she'd drank that night.

Suddenly everything made sense and Steve didn't want it to end. When they stopped to take a breath, Steve opened his eyes to saw Henna's grin. The area surrounding her mouth was now covered with the ruby red lipstick that Sandy had plastered on his lips and Steve tried to stop himself from laughing. He failed miserably as the first giggle escaped and as he tried to stop his laughter, Henna gave him a cross look.

Steve pointed at the nearby mirror. “Look at yourself.”

She looked and she shrugged to indicate she didn’t care. Steve looked at their reflection. Most would see two women staring back and while that wasn’t quite the truth it didn’t matter. He wondered what his family would say if they could see him but he pushed that thought from his mind. All he knew was at that moment, the girl next to him liked what she saw and that was enough. Feelings he’d forgotten since the breakup with Kathy surged through his body and he felt himself get excited.

Henna said, “It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,”

Steve smiled and Henna put her arms around him as he leaned in for another kiss.

Steve woke the next morning with a raging hard-on. That usually didn’t bother him, but this morning he was cuddling with Henna and it was embarrassing. He pulled away as slow as possible.

“Someone is up early this morning.” Henna turned to face him and had a big smile on her face.

Steve wasn’t sure what to say and Henna kissed him on the lips. That only made the situation below his waistline even worse so Steve moved to get out of bed. Henna put a hand under the cover and smiled again when she found the object of her search.

Steve said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,”

Henna ignored him as she put her head under the covers.

She reappeared a few minutes later, “It’s been a long time since I did that.”

Steve could barely speak and only managed to say. “You did pretty well for someone out of practice.”

Henna put her arms around Steve and he hugged her back as his confusion returned. This girl was amazing but what did it mean? Was she looking for something permanent? And what about him? He could already feel the stirrings of his excitement again. What did that mean?

Henna seemed to sense his hesitation, “You know this whole thing was a setup. Tim and Sandy thought they were being sly but it was obvious at the beginning last night. Tim knows how much I hate being set up but he keeps doing it anyway. I didn't mind so much last night.”

Steve asked, “What does that mean?”

Henna said, “I liked you. I thought you were cure and you seemed nice. I figured what the hell.”

“Just like that?”

“Does it need to be any more complicated?”

“I don’t know. I’m in a weird place right now.”

Henna said, “I understand that and I’m willing to risk it because you intrigue me. Do you think I go home with everyone I meet in a bar?”

The conversation was giving Steve a headache. “But aren’t you? I mean I’m not… I mean, you know.”

Henna smiled, kissed him, then bounced out of bed, “You told me last night you were transitioning and I told you than that I don’t care. Do you always over complicate things?”

Steve watched as Henna stood and he stared at her naked body as she walked into the bathroom. A few moments later he heard the shower start. Goddamn she is gorgeous!

Steve knew he'd struggled with how he should act in situations like this for as long as he could remember. He knew if someone asked him a question, his first thought was to determine a response based on their expectations.

'What did this woman want from him?'

Steve forced the thought from his mind. Doctor Johnson said part of his issue was his constant need to always try to please others.

'What did he want?'

Steve smiled as he opened the bathroom door.

“Is there room for one more in there?”

He heard laughter coming from the shower which he took as a yes and Steve close the door behind him.

Tim and Sandy sat at the kitchen table with faces that looked a little too proud.

Henna cut them off, “Not one word.”

Aunt Marjorie and Kristy joined a short time later to see four members of the younger generation staring at each other and noticed the awkward silence. Aunt Marj said, “I’m almost afraid to ask what happened last night.”

Sandy couldn’t hold back, “This is Sara’s new lesbian girlfriend Henna!”

Steve watched Henna turn five shades of red and took her hand in a show of support. Aunt

Marjorie was quick with a response, “Well then that explains the noises I heard coming from your room last night. I hope you all used protection.”

Steve knew his face must have looked shocked as his friend shrugged. Tim said, “I didn't say I never go out with women. They can be nice to cuddle with too if I don't meet a cute guy.”

Steve gave him thumbs up and this time it was Sandy’s turn to blush as everyone laughed.

Aunt Marjorie asked Tim and Henna, “We are having a New Year’s party today and you are welcome to stay if you want.”

They answered in unison, “I'd love to.”

Chapter 20

Everyone spent the morning getting ready for the guests to arrive. Around noon, Steve found a spot in the living room where he planned to watch an afternoon full of football. Henna sat next to him and had her head on his shoulder when he heard the commotion in the other room. He could barely hear the shouts over the buzz of the crowd but when they stopped, Aunt Marjorie motioned Steve to join her in the kitchen. Everyone stared as he followed as his aunt up the steps to his bedroom.

He could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. “What’s up?”

“It’s about your parents.”

The mention of his parents worried Steve. “What’s wrong? Did anything happen to them?”

She paused. “They are sitting in my office.”

The words took a moment to register. Steve said, “What are they doing in your office?!?!”

She shrugged. “I know.” Marjorie explained that his mom had convinced his dad to make a surprise visit.

“She should have called!”

“I told them the same thing. She didn’t think you’d say yes.”

Steve looked in the mirror. “She would have been right. What am I going to do Aunt Marj?”

Marjorie put her arm around Steve's shoulders, “You have two choices. First, you could take a few moments to pretty yourself up and face them or you could get in your car and drive away. My only advice would be to ask if you think that it is time to stop running.”

Steve’s mind was racing. “I don’t … I don't know. I don’t think I can do it.”

Aunt Marjorie nodded. “I understand. This far from ideal but don't you think it would be easier here than at home?”

“I don't know Aunt Marj. Do I just walk in and say ‘Hi Mom! Hi Dad!’ I need to tell you something. I think this outfit, hair and nail extensions explains everything at a glance.”

His aunt answered, “I can tell them first if you’d...”

Steve interrupted, “God damn them! Why couldn’t they stay away?”

“Sara, I understand what you are going through but this is something you need to face. You can try to live in two worlds for a while but once you start hormones there is no going back. It isn’t a perfect situation but things like this never are.”

“Can’t I just hide in here while you tell them to go away?”

“You could but this might be a blessing. They are your parents and they love you. Their reaction might surprise you.”

Steve looked at his aunt.

She raised her hands in mock surrender, “I know it’s a long shot but this doesn’t need to be a bad thing. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can move on with your life.”

Steve knew his parent's reaction. Both Tim and Sandy had made him feel uncomfortable but this was bound to be a thousand times worse. On the other hand, he knew he had to face it. After he started hormone shots, it would be impossible to hide.

“I’m never going to be able to go home again, am I?”

“That’s up to you.”

Steve took a deep breath. It didn’t matter. He’d hid this too long and to run would only delay the inevitable.

“Do you have any ideas?”

His aunt looked at the newspaper clipping Steve had put on the dressing table from their night at Franklin's.

“This should help.”

Steve felt like he was going to cry. His aunt asked, “Are you sure you want this?”

Steve knew once his aunt left there was no turning back. He nodded. His aunt walked out of the room.

Rumors spread throughout the house and it didn't take long for Kristy, Sandy, Tim and Henna to join Steve in his room. He sat at the dressing table and stared at the stranger looking back. He'd always known the 'Sara vacation' had an end but he'd hoped for a few more days.

He hadn’t bothered to put on much makeup that morning but his hair, breast forms, nails and dress were impossible to miss. Henna offered him a towel from the bathroom. He wiped tears from his cheek as he waited for his aunt to return.

As the sound of the voices down the hall rose to shouts, Steve changed his mind. He couldn't let his aunt do this for him. This was his fight. A few of his friends started to follow but Steve motioned everyone to go downstairs. As he walked closer to Aunt Marjorie’s office, he heard the words.

“ … what have you done to my son!”

Steve opened the door and three heads turned to face him but no one spoke.

Steve said, “Aunt Marjorie, can I have a moment alone with my parents?”

She said, “Are you sure?”

Steve nodded, “Yeah. We have a lot to talk about.”

His Aunt put an arm on his shoulder as she passed and whispered in his ear. “I will be waiting in your bedroom if you need me.”

When his aunt shut the door, Steve turned back to his mom and dad. He could see tears in his mom’s eyes but his dad’s face was so red that Steve thought his head might explode.

His dad screamed, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING BOY!?!?”

His mom added, “Give him a second to explain Robert.”

That seemed to settle his dad and both parents looked at him.

Steve said, “The truth is for a long time I didn’t know what I was doing Mom. I really don’t know what I’m doing most of the time anymore and I’m trying to figure it out. I wish you had waited before surprising me.”

His dad stopped listening, “Get your things. We are going home.”

“I’m not going dad. I’ve made some decisions about my future that I know you aren’t going to like it but it is something I need to do. I'm a woman and I'm starting hormone replacement shots next month.”

His dad shouted, “Bullshit. That Marj has put these crazy thoughts into your head. We are taking you home!”

Steve said, “You know that isn’t true. You’ve known something was different about me for a long time or you wouldn’t have sent me to Pastor Dan for counseling when I was a kid.”

His mom cried, “We were just doing what we thought was right.”

Steve said, “I know that mom and I don’t blame ...”

His dad interrupted, “Bullshit! You don’t get to pick and choose things like that in life. You are a man and that’s that. Wearing a dress doesn't let you change who you are. We are getting in the car right now and we are going to have a long talk on the way home!”

Steve knew his dad would never understand. Steve's voice shook as he answered, “Do you think this is something I want to do!?!? Do you know how many nights I’ve thought about killing myself? Don't you know how long I've wondered why God made me like this? I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember trying to live up to your expectations and I can’t do it anymore!”

His mom said, “We didn’t…”

His dad interrupted, “I’m only going to say this one more time. Pack your things and get in the damned car!”

Steve crossed his arms, “I’m not going dad.”

His dad jumped from his seat and screamed, “GET IN THE CAR STEVE!”

Steve had heard stories about his dad’s temper from his wild days but he’d never really seen it until that moment. Steve knew he couldn’t back down. “Dad, you were the one that helped give me the courage to do this.”

The words stopped his dad and his confusion was apparent in his response. “Wh … what do you mean?”

Steve explained, “You’ve always been so strong and stood up to everyone. You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say it no matter what anyone else thinks. Didn’t you just tell me over Thanksgiving that I needed to learn from my mistakes? Why do you think I drank myself into a stupor when I was home?”

His dad said, “I’m not having this discussion here. We are going home.”

Steve held his ground, “I’m not leaving dad.”

His dad grabbed his arm and started to pull him to the door.

Steve heard his mom’s cry.

Steve said, “Dad please don’t do this. I’m not a little kid anymore. All it will take is one phone call and you will spend the night in jail and I don’t want that to happen. I need to be my own person just like you.”

Steve pulled just as his dad released his arm and he fell to the floor. His dad spoke, contempt obvious in his voice, “I’m nothing like you.”

Steve watched as his Dad stormed out the door and down the hall.

He looked to his mom who was now standing. He saw tears streaming from her eyes as she followed her husband out the door then heard a distant, “I’m sorry Steve.”

Steve turned to the chair where his parents had sat only moments before and saw the Christmas present they'd brought sitting on top of his aunt's desk. He closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears but knew it was futile.

He said to the empty room. “My name is Sara.”

Once Steve composed himself he left his aunt's office and heard the squeal of his parent's tires as they raced down the street. His aunt was waiting in his bedroom.

“Are you ok?”

Steve couldn’t speak and his chest felt like it might burst at any moment. The tears made it hard to see and he buried his head on her shoulder.

Steve felt her arms hug him tight as she said over and over as his body convulsed in sadness, “It will get better. I promise you it will get better.”

This time the words didn’t seem so cliche and Steve prayed that his aunt was right.

Chapter 21

Steve spent the rest of New Year’s day in his bedroom. He heard Tim and Sandy ask to go upstairs but Aunt Marj stopped all visitors. Most everyone had left by 8pm and Steve washed the dried tears from his face and went downstairs. Sandy was sitting at the kitchen table.

Steve asked her, “Is Henna still here?”

“She left a few hours ago with Tim.”

Steve shook his head, “No one can say I don't know how to show a girl an exciting time.”

Sandy looked unsure of how to respond and Steve retreated to the safety of his bedroom.

Aunt Marjorie woke him early the next day.

“I’m not going to let you mope again today. Go have some fun. Try to take your mind off it.”

Steve said, “I don’t think it is possible Aunt Marj.”

“You could call Henna.”

The thought of Henna brightened his mood. “I doubt she’d want to talk to me after everything that happened yesterday.”

“You aren’t giving her a chance. I know she wanted to talk to you but I think she's also smart enough to know you needed some space. That girl's a good one and it would be a shame if you let her get away. You could do worse.”

Steve took a shower and the memories of what he and Henna had done there less than 24 hours earlier gave him his first smile since his parents arrival. Henna sounded happy to hear from him when he called and they agreed to meet for a run at noon.

After setting the plans Steve realized he'd left all his workout gear back at school which allowed him one last shopping trip with Sandy. They bought a cheap pair of men’s running shoes and a pair of pink women shorts with a matching top. It would be stupid to run with the breast forms but that didn't stop him from getting a new sports bra. After he dressed, he looked in the mirror. Without makeup, Steve saw a man looking back but a stranger might have trouble. He had no doubt that his haircut and long fingernails would at least confuse them.

Henna was at the park when he arrived and she laughed when she saw his outfit.

Steve asked, “Too much?”

“Nah, it’s perfect. It’s you.”

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and his spirit soared.

Steve said, “I have to warn you that I’m really out of shape.”

“The smoking probably doesn’t help.”

“You know about that?”

“I could smell it on you the night we met but Tim told me you are quitting as part of your transition. I figured asking you to jog might help.”

Steve smiled. Cute and smart. “Would you mind if we go slow?”

Henna gave an infectious laugh, “That sounds ok.”

She started at a pace Steve could handle but after a mile, he had to stop. They walked and when Steve caught his breath he said, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Henna said, “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Steve explained, “It really wasn’t how I usually introduce my girlfriends to my parents.”

Henna said, “Am I your girlfriend?”

Steve almost tripped as he realized what he’d said, “Oops. I meant ….”

Henna laughed, “I know what you meant. Tim’s right. You really are an easy mark. A real rube.”

She extended her hand and their fingers interlocked.

Steve smiled, “So I’ve been told.”

Steve and Henna walked and talked for most of the afternoon and when Steve returned home, he waited as everyone raced to the kitchen table to hear details. He let them suffer until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“It was awesome. She is like the coolest girl I’ve ever met! We have another date tomorrow.”

Aunt Marjorie asked, “How was the running?”

“Brutal. I’m never smoking again.”

Steve spent the next day with Henna but then it was time to go back to school. His hair was almost back to his normal shade of brown but he'd decided to let it fade naturally. While part of him liked the idea of going to school dressed as Sara he knew it wasn't a good idea. Tina explained that most people waited a few months until the drugs started to take effect before making a permanent switch and it seemed the smarter course. There was no need to invite trouble and besides, he didn't need clothes to know the truth of his identity. He could make it official later.

As a final goodbye, his aunt asked him to join her at church for Sunday service. Steve knew Reverend Mark’s church was different than Pastor Dan’s but he didn't mind. It was a good opportunity to say goodbye to the people he’d met in the Village. Henna and Tim joined them and they went in his aunt’s SUV.

A person he wasn’t expecting was waiting outside when they arrived.

“Mom?”

His mom gave him a hug that felt like it lasted a minute. She kissed him on the cheek then wiped off the lipstick mark. “I missed you.”

Steve looked at his aunt who shrugged, “You Mom called after she left the other day. We had a long talk and she asked if she could visit. I thought this might be nice. I hope you don’t mind the surprise.”

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. “Not at all. Where’s dad?”

His mom shook her head. “He couldn’t make it.”

Steve understood and hugged his mom again. “That’s ok Mom. I’m really glad you’re here. I’d like you to meet my friends Henna and Tim...”

The reverend’s sermon was different from Pastor Dan’s and Steve hoped his Mom liked it. It was a message of hope that the New Year would bring joy to everyone in attendance. Steve thought back to the events of the prior year and it brought a smile to his face. Who knew what another year would bring? If someone had told him a year ago that he’d be sitting in this church dressed like this, he would have called them crazy.

As his thoughts drifted, Sandy poked him in the ribs and he noticed everyone was staring at him.

“Will you come up here Steve?”

After hearing everyone call him Sara for the last few weeks it seemed odd to hear Reverend Mark call him something else.

Steve stood and walked up the aisle as dozens of eyes watched.

“Steve is a new member of our flock and I know the past year has been tough for him…”

Steve saw most of the audience nodding their head.

“…. None of us can understand what God has planned and it is a lucky person that finds their path. I hear Steve has gotten closer to finding his way this year...”

Steve was starting to get annoyed. Hadn’t Aunt Marjorie made it clear to everyone that his name was Sara?

“… Now in this church we celebrate god in all his wondrous forms and I’ve been told that Steve has gone to church since he was a little boy…”

This was getting ridiculous.

“… The church he belongs to is Southern Baptist and the fact that a form of the word baptism is in church name shows its importance to his church. They take it very serious and a person can only be baptized once they reach the age of understanding. How old were you when you were baptized Steve?”

Steve wasn’t expected the question and stammered before answering into the microphone, “Um ... 12.”

“… 12 years old. Now I know when I was 12 I had begun my relationship with god but as I’ve grown older my relationship has changed. Would you say that is true for you too Steve?”

Steve heard a commotion from behind the stage. “Um, sure.”

“… And you have better understanding of who you are today than you did when you were 12?”

Steve saw a few members of the crowd start to rise and saw Sandy bent over laughing. “Yes.”

“… I think Steve needs to reaffirm his relationship with god. What do you fine people think?”

The crowd stood and cheered. Steve looked behind him to see that someone had pulled a large tank of water onto the stage. The thing was huge and looked like something you might see in a carnival.

“… Steve?”

Steve realized his aunt had set him up. No wonder she wanted him to come to church. No wonder his mom had come. He wondered if Henna and Tim had anything to do with it. He stole a quick look at his aunt and mom but neither betrayed a hint of emotion but Sandy's face told the tale.

“ … I don’t know.”

The crowd roared encouragement and started shouting “Steve! Steve! Steve!” He looked to see that even his mom had joined in on the chant.

“Oh all right. Let’s get this over with.”

The crowd shouted its approval.

“I need you to sit on this bench and I want you to reflect on your life Steve.”

The crowd’s chant grew louder as he sat looking into the frigid water. He heard the clank of a mechanism and felt himself fall. The water was even colder than he expected and time seemed to slow as he was under the surface.

A pair of hands pulled him back to a sitting position on the bench.

His teeth were chattering uncontrollably as he looked out to the audience. Most were clapping though some like Sandy were laughing so hard that tears streamed from their face.

He knew his makeup had washed off in the water and he stood before them all with his dress clinging to his body. He was essentially naked in front of the entire assembly but he didn’t care.

Reverend Mark shouted over the cheers, “We’ve had some fun with our friend this morning and I thank her for being a good sport. You see Steve may have gone into the water but Sara came out. She is about to start on a new journey into the harsh world but today is a happy day. This is the start of a new year where all things are possible. Every day can be like that if we let it and that is something we all should remember.”

“I'd like everyone to welcome our newest member, Sara Keltaine, to the church.”

The entire assembly roared its approval. Steve stared at his Aunt and his Mom who were both nodding and smiling. They clasped hands and Steve understood their thoughts without hearing the words. Steve couldn't escape his past but he was looking at his future. His experiences as Steve would always be a part of him but deep down he'd always known the truth. He had left home with little understanding but had learned so much. He was Sara. She had always been Sara. It had taken time but now she understood.

Someone wrapped a towel around Sara's shoulders and she pulled it tight to drive away the cold. Tim shook her hand while Henna gave her a big hug. These people understood her in a way that no one back home would ever could. Sara didn't want to leave but didn't have a choice as classes started in two days.

For now she lived in the moment, confident that anything was possible and unafraid of her future.

Epilogue

(Ten years later)

The fog on the hills lifted giving Sara a good view of the valley that led to her childhood home. She knew she'd avoided making this trip but she couldn't avoid this visit. She had to get home before it was too late.

She often wondered how her life might have turned out different with a different set of events.

'What if she'd never met Sue and Donna and Kathy and all the confusion it caused?'

'What if she'd never called the school suicide hotline?'

'What if Sandy had never visited that weekend before finals?'

'What if Tim never introduced her to Henna?'

She knew it wasn't wise to dwell on the past but that was difficult when facing hard truths. Too many people wasted time on unimportant details but the memories came rushing back as the miles passed. It was a good thing that Henna agreed to follow in Tim's car. It was nice to have quiet.

So much had happened since Sara had last seen these hills. Her thoughts turned melancholy and as she tried to think back to the happy day of her 'Sara' baptism. Most of the important people in her life were there that day. Mom, Sandy, Aunt Marj, Kristy, Tim, Henna.

Only her Dad was missing. They had only spoken a few words since New Year's Day a decade earlier. Mom had tried a thousand times to get them to together but both Sara and her father were too stubborn to listen. Sara pressed the accelerator in hopes it wasn't too late.

That last semester of college started normal for Sara as she hoped no one would notice the slight changes to her appearance. After all she'd always been the weird boy that didn't say much.

She was never completely sure how word got out. Had someone seen her over Christmas break? Was it the picture in the Herald? Did someone in Doctor Johnson's office say something by mistake? A week after her first injection a classmate grew bold enough to ask,

“Is it true that you are getting a sex change?”

The question floored Sara and her face told the story. Whispers followed her everywhere after that.

Mom let her know a few weeks later the rumor had gotten home from the gossips at school. Sara tried not to think about what that meant though she did worry about her parents. They were the ones that had to deal with those idiots on a daily basis. As much as she’d wanted to go home, it just wasn’t worth the grief. All her conversations with her mom about it over the years were similar to the first.

“How’s dad?”

“Oh you know your father. He’s always so busy.”

“Well he’s welcome to visit me but I can’t go home.”

“I wish you would. It might make it better.”

“I just can’t Mom. The people there don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to tell me. Maggie made another comment at the store and your father got into another fight. He won’t talk about it but I know the reason.”

“It’s not my fault Mom!”

“I know that!”

Those first phone calls always seemed to end with Sara in tears as the hormones continued to play havoc with her emotions but doing little to her body.

Things were bad enough at school. She joined the LBGT group but it only seemed to encourage the campus rumor mill which Sara found to be almost as bad as the one back home.

She should have realized what would happen if anyone found out as twenty year olds aren't exactly known for their tact. What came as a shock to Sara was seeing people she thought of as friends turn against her. After two months she noticed a softening of her facial features but continued to dress androgynous and still referred to herself as ‘Steve’. That didn't stop the taunts.

“Look at the freak! Have you cut your dick off yet?”

Sara could never forget these words as they came out of Sue's mouth. She had relived that moment in her nightmares many times since. They'd been best friends for a time or at least Sara had thought so.

The constant feeling of being watched made concentrating in class impossible but all she had to do was graduate. Sara didn't like to think about what might have happened if not for Tim. Friends from the Village visited as often as they could but they couldn't be there all the time. Sara would have had to face it all alone if not for Tim. She woke many mornings in his embrace but their relationship never turned sexual. She needed a friend and Tim was there.

Sara was pretty sure Tim was the one that convinced Henna to quit her job and move to town. Things moved fast between them but it felt right.

Like his aunt promised, things eventually got better. The gossip mill moved on to some new unfortunate local and Sara's situation moved into the background. When she crossed the threshold at graduation the murmurs were less than she expected and more than offset by Vivica's booming voice that led the group from the Village.

Henna and Sara moved into Aunt Marj’s spare bedroom. The drugs made the physical changes impossible to miss and while the people in the Village didn't care Sara decided it was time to make it legal and make a final break with the past. After an application to the court, her driver's license now matched her inner self. Steve Kelton was gone forever. Sara Keltaine had taken his place.

Once she was able to present herself as a woman with an ID to match, Sara's issues lessened as few people noticed the truth. After a year working at the city, Marjorie convinced Sara to take the LSAT and go back to school. After she passed the bar, her aunt helped her get a position in the DA’s office.

The job allowed Henna and Sara to finally move out of their Aunt's house but the whole group made a point to spend Sunday dinners at Marjorie and Kristy's house. Sara's constant thanks at these dinners was always met by the same quote by Emerson,

“You can’t pay back so you need to pay forward.”

Sara knew she could never pay back in full. She only spent a few years in the DA's office before she set up her own practice across from the Canaday Center. Her clients were young and poor and she knew it would never make her rich. It made her happy and in the end that was the only thing that mattered. There was more to life than money and her aunt was the richest person she knew.

Of course Marjorie always had ulterior motives and Sara figured she was trying to set her up to take her seat on city council. Sara wasn’t interested in that but she knew that Aunt Marjorie was really good at talking people into things they didn’t want to do. She'd held her off so far.

Sandy finished nursing school a year after Sara graduated. She still had an offbeat humor though she was starting to complain to anyone that would listen that all the good guys were gone. Sandy made Tim promise in a drunken stupor one night that if she hadn’t found the right guy by the time she was thirty-five that he had to get her pregnant. Tim laughed as he agreed to her terms. He thought Sandy was kidding; Sara knew she wasn't. She hoped it happened as she knew Tim would make a fantastic father though she wasn’t sure how Tim’s husband Brian would feel about it.

Henna had their first child, Timothy Robert, a year after Sara passed the bar. Mom visited more after that but Dad still wouldn’t come. Sara invited her Mom to the operating room when Sandra Christine was born. It was a bittersweet experience since it was only a few weeks after her mom’s diagnosis with cancer. Sara insisted her mom stay with them for treatments as Sandy’s hospital had one of the best cancer units in the state. It was nice to be able to spend more time with her and they grew close as they laughed and cried about things that seemed like such barriers in the past. Marjorie visited often and as they renewed their friendship, Sara's Mom and Aunt shared stories that made it difficult for her to see either woman in the same light ever again. The best part of her mom’s visits was the kids got to know their grandma. The visits became more frequent as her mom got sicker but when the doctors explained it was only a matter of time, Sara sent her mom home to die on the farm she loved.

Sara saw the mass of cars in the front yard as she turned the final bend. A look in the rear view mirror showed she hadn't lost Henna or Aunt Marjorie.

She couldn’t let her mom go without a last goodbye. Sara had taken pains to dress as conservatively as possible to lessen the gossip that she knew would start with her arrival. She wore a dark business suit with a skirt that reached just above her calves but also knew it was pointless. She could feel a dozen pair of eyes staring at her through the windows as she walked up the driveway. No doubt, someone was taking pictures with a camera phone and it wouldn’t be long for the town’s grapevine to get into full swing. The house grew quiet when she entered and Sara ignored them as she walked straight to her Mom’s room. Her Dad had set up a spot on the back patio so his wife had a nice view of the meadow in the distance. The room cleared when Sara entered and she could see the tears in her mom’s eyes as she approached.

Her mom tried to prop herself up, “Are the kids here?”

Sara helped her up and put another pillow under her to support her back. “Yes mom. They are in the next room with Henna.”

“I’m glad. I wanted to see you guys a last time.”

Sara found it hard to respond and her mom seemed to be steeling herself to say something so Sara waited. Cancer had taken much of her weight and her lungs had been tortured so it was a surprise when a shout came from this little woman,

“ROBERT!”

A few seconds later Sara’s dad rushed into the room and he breathed a sigh of relief when he realized everything was fine. Sara’s mom took a drink of water as they looked at her.

She spoke in a whisper and both crept closer to listen, “I’m not going to be around much longer and I want the two of you to promise me that you will look out for one another.”

Sara noticed her dad was having trouble looking at her and she spoke first. “Mom, it’s not that simple.”

Her dad didn’t say anything.

Her mom seemed to have no trouble speaking this time, “Bullshit! It’s simple if you let it.”

Sara was trying to think of the last time she had heard her mother swear and she caught her dad’s glance for the briefest of moments. The tension was relieved when Sara’s oldest child decided he couldn’t wait any longer and ran into the room.

“Grammy!”

Sara’s heart broke as she watched her mother pretend with her grandson that nothing was the matter. During her visits to the city, Grammy had told him about all the places she loved on her farm. Now they were deep in the planning stages of an adventure they’d never have. Sara looked to her dad as he stared impassively at the wall. She turned back to watch her mom talk to her child.

Her mom died in her sleep that night.

The funeral brought people from all over the county. Sara spent most of her time in the local motel as her brother insisted on making all the arrangements. One thing she couldn’t avoid was a meeting with Pastor Dan. He’d insisted she visit before the funeral and no one refused Pastor Dan. His office looked exactly as Sara remembered and she noticed he looked uncomfortable when she entered.

He broke the uneasy silence, “I’ve missed seeing you at my services.”

“I don’t live here anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t still pray for you. You are welcome in my church any time.”

Sara felt anger she thought was gone and her voice exploded, “Why? So you can try to cure me! This is who I am and I’m quite happy with that!”

Sara knew Pastor Dan wasn’t used to being the target of such anger, “You misunderstand me. I’ve never claimed to be anything more than a simple human with all of a man’s frailties. I don’t have all the answers and I leave perfection to God. I guess what I’m saying is I know I’ve made mistakes in the past but I’ve always done what I felt was the right thing.”

Sara stood with her arms crossed under her breasts and arched her back in an exaggerated pose to show she was fully female.

The pastor ignored her and continued, “I’ve had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with your mother over the last few months. She’s told me about all the good work you are doing and how proud she was of you. The thing she struggled with most was how they raised you and the pain she caused. I reminded her that the Christian faith is based on death, rebirth, and forgiveness. In our conversations, I always told her that focusing on the past isn’t productive and that she needed to focus on the future. She seemed content at the end.”

That thought made Sara smile, “Mom did open up to me in the last few years. I wish she had been able to do that when I was younger.”

Sara could see Pastor Dan getting into a familiar groove and she felt a sermon coming, “God made her just like he made you. It is foolish to try to change his will or understand the unknowable. If we accept that then forgiveness makes it easier to move on with our lives despite our flaws. Remember that forgiveness is the reason Jesus died for our sins.”

Pastor Dan’s speech reminded Sara of just how good he was at getting his point across without actually speaking the specific words. She knew that was as close to an apology that she was ever going to get from Pastor Dan and she smiled. The conversation drifted to her kids and to her new church. He made her promise to “come to his services whenever she visited.” She agreed and thought she might have even meant it.

His sermon at her mother’s service a day later repeated the theme of their private talk without mentioning Sara by name. Sara had no doubt her mom had written it and she smiled as she looked over the room. It always was tough to say no to Mom.

The next morning, half the county was in a line of cars for the funeral procession. At the grave site, Sara stood to the side as her brother and father carried the casket to its final resting place. A soft rain began to fall as Pastor Dan said a few final words and then everyone headed back to the church for a meal.

Sara couldn’t help notice the many glances in her direction followed by the inevitable whispering. It didn’t take long for the cemetery to clear.

Henna said, “Take as much time as you need.”

Sara watched as Henna walked her family to their car. She saw Aunt Marjorie and Kristy wave as they pulled away. Her brother’s minivan led a procession of cars on their way to the church. She hadn’t spoken more than a few words to her brother all week and now it seemed unlikely they’d ever reconcile. The pent up emotion of a lifetime was too much and her tears mixed with the rain. Sara stood by the grave for as long as she could stand it then turned to walk away.

The town had made it perfectly clear there wasn’t anything there for her anymore and it was time to go home. It was time to forget the past and never look back.

As Sara took the long walk from the grave to the car, she heard a voice in the distance.

“Sara!”

She turned to see her dad standing by himself at the grave site. As a child, she had found it hard to look in his eyes. This time it was impossible to look away. Only the two of them remained and when their eyes met, all she could see was the tears of a broken-hearted man.

She stood next to him, “Yes Dad?”

In her 30+ years, she’d never seen her father cry but she could tell in a glance he was lost in his own emotions. He said in a voice barely above a whisper, “Would you mind standing with me for a little while?”

Sara found it hard to talk. She was lucky she had many people to help her find the way.

Images of her Mom and Dad, Tim and Doc Johnson, Pastor Dan and Reverend Mark, Aunt Marj and Kristy, Sandy and Tina and of course Henna flashed through her mind. Now that she was a parent, she knew she’d do anything to protect her kids. She stared at the broken shell of the strongest man she’d ever known. She struggled for words and waved to Henna to go ahead to the luncheon. Her Dad needed her.

She put her arm around his waist. “Sure dad. I’ll always make time for you.”

They stood in silence by grave as the rain continued to fall.

Maybe later she could convince her dad to take the kids to their Grammy’s favorite places on the farm.

Work could wait a few more days.