It shouldn’t be a big deal. All Billy's friends have visited the widow's house and each seemed to come away better for the experience. Visiting her has been a rite of passage for boys in town for as long as anyone can remember.

Billy knows he should want this. The whispers about him have been growing and even his friends are starting to ask questions. Tonight is the night if he's going to end the rumors. Should it matter if it’s Halloween and there’s a full moon in the sky?

Chapter 1

A cold wind whipped through the air as a group of guys huddled to catch their breath. A plastic bag fell hard on the ground followed by the sound of glass bottles clanging on a rock.

Tyler said, “Careful with the beer, dude.”

“Sorry.” Rocky said, gasping for air, “This climb is longer than I remember.”

Tyler nodded, “I forgot you missed our last visit.”

Rocky grabbed a bottle off the ground, popped off the cap, then took a long drink. “I had plans I couldn’t miss.” His grin spoke volumes.

Billy said, “You’re out of shape, dude. You spent the summer drinking and whoring. You missed half of our off-season football workouts. It's no wonder coach put you on the bench."

“Hey ... not cool, Bro!” Rocky gave a hurt look before deciding to change the subject and hand a bottle to Billy. “It’s time to make you a man.”

Symon laughed, “The widow will do that and more.”

The other boys joined in the laughter.

Billy took a small sip from his bottle, trying not to gag from the taste and failing. “I don’t know, guys.”

“No chickening out this time.” Tyler said, “You turned eighteen months ago. It’s time, bro.”

The others echoed. “It’s past time Billy…”

“It’s a night you’ll never forget.” Rocky said, mimicking a carnal act.

Billy shook his head. The widow had gained a legendary reputation in the community. Their group made their first trek up this hill in eighth grade, only daring to do it during daytime for years after. The place looked scarier at night, but the widow's door only opened at night. It had taken them the better part of an hour to get to this point. A look down the hill showed the entire south side of town.

The widow had two rules – you had to be at least eighteen years old to enter, and each boy was allowed a single visit.

Billy said, “This doesn’t feel right.”

“You can’t chicken out. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever seen. She taught me things that drive Melody wild… ” Billy noticed Rocky hadn't stopped gyrating his hips back and forth.

“Come on Billy.” Symon chimed in, “Do you want to be a virgin forever? You’ve got to be the last guy in our class who hasn’t gotten laid.”

“It’s possible.” Billy shrugged, giving his friends a thoughtful look. He knew they were looking out for him. To his knowledge the widow had never rejected any boy who followed the rules. Maybe he’d be the first. God knows he had issues.

Billy asked, “Isn’t she like fifty years old?”

“She’s not that old.” Quincy said, “I think she’s like thirty-five.”

“My Mom is thirty-nine.” Billy said, turning to face Quincy.

“I’d fuck your Mom.” Quincy replied without batting an eye.

“Dude…” Billy’s face turned sour, “You’re talking about my Mom.”

He turned to his other friends, hoping for backup. They looked at each other then chimed in as one… “Your Mom is hot.”

“Major MILF.”

“Seriously?” Billy shook his head then looked at Tyler, who hadn’t said a word. They’d met in elementary school and had been best friends ever since.

Tyler said, “You’re running out of time, man. You know the rules. More guys turn old enough to visit every week. Some wanted to come up here tonight but we scared them off. You know we can’t do that forever, it’s not fair to them so it's now or never, Billy.”

“I don’t know.” Billy wanted to run, but knew his friends would never let him hear the end of it if he chickened out.

Quincy spoke, “You gotta do it, man. I’m telling you … she’s amazing.”

Billy looked up the hill, “The house looks ancient.”

Rocky shook his head. “We’ve climbed all this way.”

Tyler took him by the arm and pulled him up the path towards the clearing near the bottom of the house’s crumbling steps. Tyler shouted loud enough so the others could hear, “You gotta do this…”

When they’d gotten enough distance, Tyler added in a whisper, “… guys are starting to talk. Don’t make it worse. Just go inside … she won’t force you to do anything. You can talk to her for a while and leave if that’s what you want. The others will never know.”

Billy said, “She’d let me do that?”

“She’ll let you do anything, Billy.” Tyler replied with a wink.

“Anything?” The thought of a woman’s bare breast flitted through Billy’s mind, the idea disappearing as quick as it appeared.

Tyler smiled. "Anything.”

Billy nodded his head as he struggled to come up with words. It wasn’t easy being different in a small town. His grandmother called him ‘sensitive’. His grandfather’s descriptions weren’t as kind.

His Mom and Dad acted like nothing was the matter. The kids at school weren’t nearly as kind. His four friends who accompanied him tonight weren’t shy with their questions but they’d been calling each other faggots for over a decade. It didn’t have the same sting coming from them.

“You promise it’s safe?”

“She’s amazing.”

Billy hated to disappoint Tyler and a trip ‘up the hill’ might dispel the rumors. Hell, it might even do him good. Billy put his foot on the first stair but stopped when he heard the cheers echoing from the underbrush.

Three grinning boys stared out from the thinning trees. “You promise she’s hot?”

“Dammit, Billy.” Tyler shook his head, “I told you she looks like the lady from your favorite comic book.”

Billy asked, “The Silver Fox?”

Tyler nodded, his mind looking lost in the memory. “Yeah…”

Rocky’s voice echoed through the nearby bushes. “I thought she looked like Miss Sheila.” The others broke from the cover of the trees to join them, “You know, the choir teacher with big tits?” Rocky closed his eyes and pretended as if he were groping her.

Tyler said, “We know Miss Sheila, Rocky. Every boy in school knows Miss Sheila.”

Quincy said, “I bet the widow finished off Rocky in two minutes.”

Rocky said, “Fuck off.”

Simon said, “I thought she looked like Quincy’s mom.”

Quincy said, “Dude!”

Billy listened as his friends’ arguments grew in crescendo as he looked up at the house. It looked small from town but up close and at night, it had all the vibes you’d find in a cheesy horror movie. And he couldn’t shake the feeling someone was watching him. To be honest, the place looked scary on the brightest of days. Coming up here on Halloween night was downright mental. It was Tyler who suggested he come up here on Halloween. He figured if Billy visited Widow’s Peak the night of Halloween, no one would ever dare to call him a pansy ever again.

The idea sounded great in bright comfort of the school lunchroom. Standing fifty feet from the front entrance was a different story. Cold autumn winds had scattered leaves around the entire crest of the hill. The trees themselves swayed back and forth and their groans sounded their warning to all who dared enter.

Billy said, “This is insane.”

Symon said, “You’re insane if you don’t go inside.” Rocky, Tyler, and Quincy nodded their assent.

Billy nodded. He’d come too far. He couldn’t back down. He looked at his friends. “How old is she again?”

“Seriously dude? She’s hot.” Tyler said, “I swear her closet is bigger than my house, and it’s full of a thousand outfits. She dressed in black leather for me. Maybe you’d prefer she wear spandex like in the comics?” Tyler smiled, “You strike me as the type who’d eat up that kinky shit.”

Rocky cried out, “It's time, Billy.” He tossed an empty beer bottle on the ground and picked a full one from inside the plastic bag. “I'll save you one so we can celebrate the loss of your virginity when you return.”

“Go on, Billy.” Symon said. “I’ll make sure Rocky doesn’t drink all the beer.”

“You gotta do it Billy. She’s amazing,” Quincy said, literally pushing Billy up two steps.

Billy climbed a few more steps, then looked back. Why was he afraid to take another step? All his friends had done this and come down the hill better for the experience. All of them had grown more confident in the past year. Hanging out with them was the only reason he wasn’t a total social pariah. Visiting the Widow's house would be good for his rep if nothing else.

Billy said, “You guys promise to wait?”

“We’ll wait.” Tyler opened a bottle. “We’ve got plenty of beer.”

Billy nodded at the group before turning around, “OK.”

He took a step and then another. As he climbed further, he heard the others chanting his name until the wind drowned out their voices as he got to the top. A final look back showed their smiling faces.

A woman grinned as she watched the scene below. A release of the latch opened the window so she could better feel the dying embers of the Hunter’s Moon.

“Come to me, Billy. It is destined you and I meet on a night like tonight.”

Chapter 2

October, 1915

The red vehicle flew down the dirt road, loud brakes announcing its presence as the car came to a stop in front of the school house. The young man behind the wheel smiled broadly as the others ran towards him. “What’s up ladies?” He jumped out of the car in a single bound, landing on both feet with a thud.

Tamsyn didn’t move as the others rushed to get a closer look at the brand new car. School started a few weeks earlier, and the older girls were sure to let her know the pecking order of the haves and have-nots. Tamsyn lived on the poor side of town, and as such, was a permanent member of the latter group.

The cute boy called out, “I just picked it up.” He removed his driving gloves and tossed them on the seat before giving everyone one of his infectious smiles. “The dealer in Nashville said this thing will do seventy miles per hour but I didn’t dare go over forty on the way back.”

Adam Driesen arrived first, “The car’s a beaut, Eddie. What’d you do with the Roadster?”

Eddie said, “Traded it in. Dad wouldn’t let me keep both. I hated to lose it, but I really wanted the Raceabout.”

Tamsyn shook her head as the girls pressed closer to make their presence known. Of course none of the girls dared get too close to the car lest they soil their dresses. Eddie smiled at them before sneaking a peek at the wall at the one girl who hadn’t moved.

His brief stare pinned Tamsyn against the wall as their eyes met. She tried to take a breath, finding it impossible he might be looking at her until reality intervened. A guy like Eddie McClary would never be interested in a girl like her.

Eddie said, “I’m thinking of taking her to the track this weekend.”

Shouts of encouragement and nods of approval resounded through the crowd, their pandering making such a ridiculous spectacle that it caused Tamsyn to laugh. At that exact moment, the crowd stopped talking and Tamsyn’s loud laugh echoed through the schoolyard.

The sound drew Eddie’s attention, and his stare shot past the others, again pinning Tamsyn against the wall. She stood horrified as the entire school turned to stare. Eddie asked, “What’s so funny, dollface?”

It took Tamsyn a second to realize Eddie was speaking to her. She only knew him by reputation. Everyone in town knew the cocky boy with an infectious smile. She pointed at herself. “Me?”

Eddie nodded, “You’re the one laughing.”

Tamsyn took a deep breath when she saw the crowd begin to nod. “I didn’t mean anything.”

Eddie asked, “So why did you laugh?”

Tamsyn could feel the stares of her classmates digging into her skin, “I don’t know.”

Eddie grabbed his gloves, putting one on each hand before grabbing two pairs of goggles. “Don’t you think I can keep up with the older guys at the race track?”

Tamsyn said, “I didn’t…” The words caught in Tamsyn’s throat, her intention misconstrued.

Eddie pulled one set of goggles over his face, then dangled the other pair in Tamsyn’s direction. “Maybe you’d like me to show you?”

“My mother won’t…” The popular girls wore pretty plaid dresses from Miller’s Department store and all of them were laughing. Tamsyn pulled up her homespun dress before taking a halting first step, followed by a second with more conviction. The crowd parted as she took a third before stopping to give a sheepish answer. “... maybe I will.”

Eddie smiled, clearly enjoying Tamsyn’s discomfort. “Is that a yes?”

Tamsyn didn’t say a word as she continued her march down the steps of the schoolhouse. Eddie run to the passenger door before her, opening it before she arrived and holding up the pair of googles. “You’ll need these.”

Eddie didn’t release her hand as she took them, causing Tamsyn blush as pulled on the hems of her school dress to take a seat. Murmurs from the crowd grew loud as Eddie raced to the other side and jumped inside with the grace of the school’s best athlete.

The comments from the crowd increased as Eddie adjusted his gloves, the loudest unkind but not unexpected. Eddie spoke under his breath. “Ignore them.”

Tamsyn nodded as she pulled the goggles over her head, catching quite a few hairs in the leather straps as she pulled it tight. Sounds of the crowd fell away as Adam helped Eddie crank the engine. Tamsyn didn’t dare respond, not trusting her voice. She managed a simple nod, bringing another smile to Eddie’s face.

Second later the car took off without warning, leaving a cloud of dust in its wake. Wheels bounded down the uneven street as the car continued to accelerate. Tamsyn grabbed her seat tight, praying she wouldn't fall out.

Eddie smiled. “Afraid? Want me to stop?”

Tamsyn shook her head. There was no way she was going to let this cocky boy win.

Eddie drove the car faster, shouting through the open air in order to be heard. “How fast do you think we’re going?”
Tamsyn shook her head. She had no idea.

Eddie smiled as he slowed as the car came to an intersection. “You aren’t much of a talker, are you?”

Tamsyn shook her head.

“The thing is…” Eddie smile grew bigger. “… I know those other girls would never dare to get in this car. They’re all afraid of dirtying their pretty dresses, or mussing their well-coiffed hair. They worry too much about the things people might say.” Eddie paused, “Have you ridden in many cars?”

Tamsyn willed herself to speak. “First time.”

“Even better.” Eddie beamed. “I knew you were different from the others. I knew it the first time I saw you.”

Tamsyn let out a nervous laugh. “You know me?”

“Of course I know you, you are Tamsyn Forester.”

Tamsyn did a double take. “You know my name?”

Eddie slowed the car and let it drift to the side of the road. “Why wouldn’t I know the name of the prettiest girl in the county?”
Tamsyn could feel her face growing bright red, but couldn’t think of anything to say.

Eddie said, “Twenty-five miles per hour.”

Tamsyn said, “What?”

Eddie said, “That’s how fast we were going. Twenty-five miles per hour. It’s not so fast. Racehorses can run way faster than that.”

Tamsyn admitted, “I’ve never ridden a horse.”

“Really?” Eddie paused a second before continuing. “Racehorses max out at around forty-five miles per hour. I was hoping to top that today, if you’re up to it.” Eddie grinned.

“Huh?”

“You have a choice, Tamsyn. We can turn around and go back to the school. Or … there’s a smooth section up the road a bit where I can really let this thing go. I’m hoping to get it above forty-five. You up for it?”

Tamsyn took a deep breath and pulled off the goggles. A feeling of calm overtook her as she yanked out few strands of her raven-black hair that had gotten caught in the leather straps. “I must look a mess.”

“You look amazing to me.” Eddie removed his own goggles, his smile gone, replaced by a serious look. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful girl in my life. If you want … maybe we could go on a real date sometime.”

Tamsyn tried not to react but knew she failed. “My Mom … she won’t …”

“I know, I know all about you, Tamsyn.” Eddie said, “And I know about your Mom’s rules. No dating until you’re sixteen. I’m willing to wait.”

Words scrambled Tamsyn’s thought but instead of drawing inward she found herself screaming out loud. “Aiiiieeeeeee!” When her shout grew silent the absurdity of the situation caused her to laugh.

Eddie asked, “Is that a yes?”

“Yes. That’s a yes” Tamsyn took a deep breath before again pulling the goggles over her head. “Show me how fast this thing can go.”

Eddie smiled as he shifted the car into gear. “Now you’re talking.”

Chapter 3

Cold winds pressed at Billy as he climbed the final steps. The house’s exterior looked worse the closer he got. Paint peeling off the walls and grime covering everything. The porch wasn’t in great shape either. Several missing boards forced Billy to tread a careful path across the expanse.

He took a deep breath before knocking three times as instructed. Relief settled over him when he got no response. A look back showed no sign of his friends. He gave a brief thought of hiding out on the porch for the next hour then remembered Rocky’s binoculars. His friend talked all the way up the hill of his plan to catch another glimpse of the widow. No doubt Rocky or one of the others had the binos locked on him right now.

A second set of knocks was met with no response so Billy decided to turn the knob and found the door opened easy. He could only imagine what his friends were saying as he entered. He had no doubt it involved the clinking of beer bottles.

**BAM**

The door slammed shut as soon as Billy entered. “Gotta be the wind.” Billy said, expecting no answer.

“It is quite drafty tonight.” The woman's voice caused Billy to jump drawing the sound of laughter. “Put your coat on the hanger next to the door then come and join me in the dining room.”

Billy looked around the corner to try to find the source of the voice but saw no one, “The dining room?” This time he got no answer.

After hanging up his coat as instructed, Billy followed the short hall and into the main room. Twin staircases rose high to both sides of a large open area. Twenty-foot walls line both sides with a railing above and rooms lining both sides though it was hard to see as the only light in the room came from a huge chandelier full of candles in the middle of the room. Antiques furniture filled the room, most of it looked to be in mint condition.

The woman's voice echoed, “My husband and I decorated this place a long time ago. I’m sure it looks old-fashioned to a young man like yourself, but he liked it well enough and I’ve never desired to change things.”

Billy’s eyes searched the room, still unable to find the source.

“You’ve almost made it. The entrance to the dining room is next to the long-case clock.”

An antique clock stood next to an open door. A peek around the corner showed a long dining table filling the entirety of the room. Near the middle sat a woman wearing a long red cloak and two place settings.

Billy’s voice caught in his throat when he saw her, the words coming out in a tone closer to a whisper, “Hello?”

The woman didn’t look up. “I’m happy to see you found the room in a timely fashion. Some boys spend an hour exploring the place before coming to see me. This gives us more time together.”

Billy tried to see the woman’s face, but couldn’t see anything behind the thick hood. He looked again as he passed her chair, but didn’t have success the second time either.

“Cat got your tongue?”

Billy fumbled for words, realizing his friends never mentioned the woman’s name. The people in town had their own names for this woman, but none would be proper to utter in her presence.

“I assume … are you widow? … oh I’m sorry … I didn’t mean ...”

The woman laughed at Billy's response, her southern lilt sounding younger than he expected.

“Are you asking if I am the Widow McClary?” Her voice sounded pained as she continued. “I ask my friends call to me by my given name, Tamsyn. Tamsyn McClary. Can I count you among my friends, Billy?”

Billy nodded, “Uhh … yes ma’am … uhh … I mean yes Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn spoke as if she’d heard a funny joke. “Is it OK if I refer to you as Billy? Your friend Tyler told me you go by Billy during his visit."

Billy asked, "Tyler talked about me?"

"Your friend and I spoke about many things. Or would you prefer I call you William? Isn’t that what your mother calls you?”

“Billy is fine, ma’am.” Billy swallowed hard. This Tamsyn woman knew a lot about him.

“Please call me Tamsyn. The word ma'am makes me feel very, very old.”

“Yes ma’ … err … yes … um … I mean Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn laughed out loud this time. “I prepared roast chicken for tonight’s meal. I hope that choice is amenable.”

“Yes.” Billy smiled back, glad to be changing the subject. “I like chicken.”

"Of course you do. All growing boys need lots of protein." Billy heard the sound of a small bell. Seconds later, a large man entered the room balancing a large silver tray in one hand. He set it on the table with a practiced air.

“This is Gunther. He’s my butler, among other things.” Tamsyn pointed at Billy with a long painted fingernail. “Gunther, this is my friend, Billy.”
The tall man grunted as he backed out of the room.

“Dig in, Billy. You’ll need all the energy you can muster to get through this night.”

The comment caught Billy off guard. “What?”

The widow looked happy as she watched Billy's face redden again.

Billy said, “I … don’t understand.”

Tamsyn asked, “What’s wrong?”

Billy took a deep breath. “The other guys didn’t mention dinner.”

“You find dinner confusing?” Tamsyn was clearly enjoying herself. “I suspect your friends didn’t tell you many things about their visits with me. Did Symon tell you about his scream when he saw Gunther for the first time? Did Quincy tell you how he hid in the coat closet for five minutes after entering the foyer?”

“No ma’am … I mean … no … Tamsyn.” Billy corrected.

Tamsyn said, “Boys your age are such wonderful little scamps. You all have so much energy and desires. Testosterone practically drips from your pores but you have little knowledge how to use it. I can show you things beyond your greatest desires but first you must build up your strength.”

A growing discomfort built in Billy’s belly, “I guess I could eat.”

“I made plenty. Eat as much as you’d like.”

Billy’s stomach growled when he looked at the stacks of food. It seemed he’d built quite an appetite on the trip up the mountain. There was more food here than any one person could eat, not even Rocky. It was too bad his friends couldn’t share in this feast but then again, none of them had shared with him on their visits.

Billy used tongs to grab three slices of chicken breast, then scooped a heap of potatoes onto his plate. He covered the whole thing with juices from the gravy boat.

Billy said, “I love mashed potatoes and gravy.”

“Most boys your age do. Growing bodies need lots of food. Would you care for some wine?” She clapped her hands twice. “Gunther. Bring the boy some wine.”

Billy shook his head as he shoveled a heap of mashed potatoes into his mouth, “No thanks, ma’am.” He saw the woman turn and quickly added. “I mean Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn smiled, “No wine?”

“No, thanks. I don’t drink.”

“You don’t drink, or you’ve never had a chance drink?” She raised a quarter-full glass to her hood, then placed it half empty back on the table a few seconds later. “Not once?”

“I’ve drank beer with my friends a couple of times.” Billy smiled, “I don’t like the taste.”

“Wine isn’t beer, Billy. Have you considered you might have a more discerning palate than beer out of a bottle?” She motioned her hand at Gunther who poured a small amount of wine into a glass. “Take a sip.”

Tamsyn motioned again, and Gunther filled both glasses almost to the top.

Billy stared at the glass of wine. “Aren’t you worried about getting in trouble? You’re an older woman plying a high schooler with alcohol?”

“I doubt anything would affect my reputation.” Tamsyn laughed, “And besides, I won’t tell if you don’t tell. You act as if you and your friends weren’t drinking beer in my woods before you came here. We’re constantly cleaning up bottles in the woods from the parties your schoolmates love to have in my woods. Isn’t that right, Gunther?”

Tamsyn looked at Gunther and Billy did the same. The man gave a grunt of annoyance, but continued to stare straight ahead.

Tamsyn grinned, “Are you sure you don’t want to try a little sip of wine? If you don’t like it, I will get you something else. Sparkling water perhaps?”

Billy shrugged, “That’s fair.” He raised the glass to his lips and let a little wine enter his mouth.

Tamsyn asked, “What do you taste?”

Billy swallowed hard as she spoke. “Grape juice? It reminds me of church.”

Tamsyn smiled. “Try drinking it slower. Let the wine enter your mouth but this time try to savor the aroma.”

Billy took another drink and held his breath.

Tamsyn asked, “Close your eyes. What do you smell? What do you taste?”

Billy shrugged, “I smell flowers. Roses, maybe?” He swallowed some as the warmth trickled down the back of his throat, “with a hint of cherry?”
“That’s very good Billy. You have a gift for wine. That’s not true for everyone.”

“It’s not?” he brightened.

“I doubt any of your friends would do so well.”

Billy smiled, “They wouldn’t? Did you give them the same test?”

“I wouldn’t waste my wine on them. Boys like your friends could not tell the difference. I’ve always had an eye for those with talent.”
Billy took another taste from his glass, a larger drink this time, but not too big. He did not want to offend his host by gulping it down. Warmth drifted to his extremities.

“Uhh…” Billy’s words became bolder. “Why do you wear that cloak?”

Tamsyn said, “It gets cold in this house. It doesn’t matter how many fires we light in the hearths, there are always cold spots.”
Billy asked, “Is that why you wear the hood over your face?”

“My … my … Billy … in vino veritas … one sip of wine and you’re full of questions.” Billy heard a soft giggle from under the hood, the sound of a surprising tenderness in her voice. “Do you worry about my face? Have the other boys called me ugly?”

“No … no…” Billy stammer, finding himself on the defensive. “It’s not that.”

Tamsyn seemed to be enjoying herself, “Did they call me old and fat?”

Billy shook his head, trying to think, “No. Not at all. They said nice things about you. It’s …”

Tamsyn said, “You wonder why I hide my face?”

“Yes.” Billy bit his lip as he said the word. “I'm sorry.”

He could hear the disappointment in Tamsyn's voice, “I forget how you boys lack the patience that comes with age. Would you like to see what I look like? Do you want to see if the climb was worth the effort?”

"It's not that.” Billy shook his head and did his best to salvage the situation. “It’s just … I don’t know. It’s hard to talk to someone when you can't look them in the eye."

“That’s a lie, Billy… ” Tamsyn’s eyes flashed through the darkness of her hood. “... but it’s a clever lie. The truth is I like to talk to my guests before choosing my outfit. Underneath my cloak hides unbrushed hair, an unpainted face, and a simple nightgown and I’d rather you not see me until I am ready.”

“Oh.”

“But since you asked, I will comply.” Tamsyn pulled off her hood to reveal a mass of blonde hair obscuring two blue eyes and a perfect little mouth. Billy found it hard to speak.

“Am I hideous?”

“Uhh...”

“You think I’m old. And fat. And ugly.” Her smile told she knew none of this was true.

“No. Not at all. You look different than I expected.”

Tamsyn said, “Don’t you like me?”

“No, it’s not that either.” Billy smiled. “I was expecting someone older. Aren’t you a widow?”

Tamsyn didn’t look a day over twenty-five. Maybe younger.

“I married young. I was twenty-two years old when my husband died.”

Billy shook his head. He’d be twenty-two in four years. “I can’t imagine getting married any time soon.”

“We married when I was seventeen, far sooner than I ever expected but it wasn’t like I had much choice.” Tamsyn smiled, “I was young and loved my husband every day until fate intervened. We did better than most with the time we had together.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to feel sorry about … would you like to hear our story?”

As Tamsyn spoke, a cold chill pressed on Billy’s skin and a shiver ran up his spine causing him to shake his head. He already knew more than he wanted to know. This woman was a widow and had slept with dozens, maybe hundreds of men. “No, thank you, ma’am …” Billy corrected himself, “...I mean, no thank you, Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn’s face brightened, “Of course, you’re right. We don’t have time to spend on my old boring stories.”
Billy watched as Tamsyn looked lost in thought. He used the opportunity to lift two more slices of chicken breast into his mouth.

“Is the food to your liking?”

Billy chewed twice before swallowing then washed it down with a gulp of wine. “It’s good. It tastes like my Mom’s, but don’t tell her I said that.”

Tamsyn asked, “Do you expect your mother and I will be talking any time soon?”

Billy nearly choked on a piece of chicken before laughing out loud, “I suppose not.” He tried to imagine his Mom speaking to this woman, the notorious vixen the women in town named - “The Whore on the Hill’. The last thing he needed was for his Mom to find out about this visit. The longer thought about it, the funnier it seemed. Billy started to giggle.

Tamsyn said, “I think you’ve drank enough wine.”

Billy saw he’d emptied another glass. “I like wine more than I expected.”

Tamsyn said, “That is good wine. You’d be shocked how much I paid for this bottle but it’s important to learn how to savor the good things in life. You never know when the good times will end."

Billy spoke without thinking, “There’s a lot of things in my life I wish I could forget.”

“That is true of us all, Billy.” Tamsyn shot a look towards Gunther. “Now that introductions are over, it is time for me to go upstairs and change into a proper attire.”

Billy covered his mouth with a hand but couldn’t stop laughing. The wine really did taste like grape juice. Was he drunk? Is this what it felt like to be drunk?

“You’re very pretty, Tamsyn.” The words popped out of Billy’s mouth before knew he’d spoken.

“Thank you, Billy.” She looked to Gunther who took the wine glass both wine glasses and the decanter. He left and returned with a pitcher of sparkling water.

Billy stared at Tamsyn as she walked from the room. His friend’s descriptions didn’t do the woman justice. Their discussions focused on her tits and ass and it wasn’t like Billy didn’t like tits and ass. He’d spent afternoons looking at picture after picture of girls, especially girls with big tits. He’d watched in quiet frustration as the girls at his school developed and noticed little things the other guys missed. Their images called to him, their pretty hair, their well made-up faces, their sultry voices that sung a siren’s song. Most nights he dreamed of getting with a girl who had the total package. Tamsyn had everything he’d dreamed about and more.

Gunther stood at the other end of the room as Tamsyn exited the room. Billy waited a minute before addressing the large man, “Do you think Tamysn’s pretty?”

Gunther didn’t move or speak but continued to stare straight ahead. Billy scooped another helping of potatoes onto his plate, covered them with gravy, then took a big bite. Tamsyn appeared to be a good cook as well.

Tamsyn climbed the stairs as if she were floating on air. She loved visitors, especially on special nights. The red cloak fell to the ground with nary a shiver, revealing her naked body, an object of desire some men claimed they will kill to possess. A look in the mirror showed a perfect set of teeth smiling back.

The open door to her closet revealed a thousand outfits. She had everything she’d always wanted, but the loss of the one thing she’d loved the most allowed society to shun her many years ago. She spent most nights alone in her nakedness, but tonight called for a special outfit and a boy like Billy deserved the best. She tore through the garments until finding a perfect combo. She knew Billy would like what he saw.

Chapter 4

April, 1917

*** The United States is at WAR with Germany! President Wilson signs War Resolution. ***

The news came to town by telegraph then spread by word of mouth. Boys from all over the county joined in with the shouting mob at the town’s square. Soon after most of them jumped into cars and headed for the recruiting station in Nashville. Tamsyn waited at the kitchen table all afternoon, waiting for the tell-tale sound of Eddie's Raceabout.

She didn't move when the car arrived. Eddie's father had stood watch in the driveway all day.

"What the hell did you do, Eddie?"

"We signed up … all of us joined the 3rd Tennessee."

“Stupid son of…” Mr. McClary shouted his response, "You stupid ... stupid boy."

Tamsyn listened to the exchange as Eddie's mother drank sip after sip of bourbon on the other side of the kitchen table.

A loud bang announced Eddie had entered. "Did you hear the news, Tamsyn? I joined the army."

Tamsyn tried her best to smile. Everyone had seen the stories in the newspaper about the war in Europe, but most people never paid them much mind until America declared war. Someone at school said the the British had lost 50,000 men in a single day at the battle of the Somme. 50,000 on one day and now the war was about to enter its third year. It took every bit of Tamsyn's strength to hold back tears.

"I heard."

Eddie got on one knee and held out a ring. "I wanna get married."

Tamsyn closed her eyes, now feeling safe to release a torrent of tears. She'd thought about this day for years, and now it seemed like a nightmare.

Eddie asked, "Was that a yes?"

Tamsyn wiped her eyes before nodding and giving a dutiful, "Yes."

She saw Eddie’s father in the hallway shaking his head. Tamsyn gave him a look and then looked back to Eddie. She’d never seen either of them so worked up.

“I’ll make some calls.” Eddie’s father’s voice sounded frantic, “I can get you out of this.”

Eddie shook his head, "We don’t have a lot of time to get everything done. The train leaves for the staging area in North Carolina in a few weeks so I’ll need to leave for Nashville soon. I expect we have two weeks, maybe less so we’ll go to the courthouse tomorrow and get the marriage paperwork started. I’m sure there’s going to be a long line so we’ll get up early. We need to talk to Preacher Stevens at some point tomorrow as well. That poor man is going to have to perform a year’s worth of marriages in a week but I’m sure we can figure something out."
Eddie gave his mother a reassuring smile before turning more serious as his eyes met his father’s. His smile returned when he turned to Tamsyn.

“Everything is going to be okay. I promise.” He gave Tamsyn a kiss on her cheek then turned to go. “I need to start packing.” The group watch Eddie run out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Tamsyn saw Eddie’s father hug his wife as soon as their son exited the room. Neither spoke nor lessened their embrace as Tamsyn excused herself. This wasn't how she imagined beginning her future with Eddie but for the past few years she knew one thing to be true. She loved him with all her heart. She’d known it from the first time they'd met.

Tamsyn looked outside at the waiting crowd but found she couldn’t move.

The boys looked amazing lined up in their uniforms.. Their soon-to-be wives stood next to them wearing the best dresses Miller's Department Store had to offer. Eddie had spared no expense on Tamsyn's outfit. Her dress came from a specialty shop in Nashville, a beautiful white dress made special for a wedding with ruffles and a train that could rival a queen. The hairdresser spent two hours fixing her hair. Her makeup girl took another hour.

"How do I look?"

Both mothers stared at Tamsyn with tears in their eyes. Tamsyn’s mother’s eyes were filled with pride. Tamsyn knew the tears dotting Eddie's Mom's face weren't due to joy.

Tamsyn's mother gave her a hug, "I can scarcely believe you're my daughter."

Tamsyn shook her head. "Be careful, Momma. They sewed me into this thing. I’m not sure I can take a step."

Tamsyn attempted to move again, her body squeezed in chain armor made of thread and lace. Eddie had gifted her many pretty dresses since they’d started dating but this outfit was next level.

"Can you help me to the door? I think I might topple over if I try to move inside all this fabric."

Tamsyn's Mom took one hand and picked up one side of her daughter’s train. Eddie's Mom rolled her eyes, but did the same. The three women exited the dressing room together as every eye in the county turned to face them.

Tamsyn knew what most of them said about her, but she didn't care. Eddie loved her. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw his smiling face standing beside the altar, his new officer's uniform a beacon among the drab uniforms of his enlisted friends.. Everyone stood as the music began to play.

Tamsyn said, "I love you."

"I love you too."

It wasn't the first time they'd said the words, but it was the first time Tamsyn knew the depth of her feelings. Unspoken fear gripped her as they traveled down the road. She dreamt of this night for years and it had arrived, years before she’d ever expected. A look behind them show their friends’ cars following in a single line, the entire group headed for the hotel on the big hill at the south end of town.

Eddie always liked to drive fast, but his car seemed to move faster as the wind whipped Tamsyn’s hair into a frenzied mess. About halfway up the hill her train took flight, following behind like a cape until the ribbons which held it fast let go allowing it to fly off into the wind. Members of the hotel staff stood in a line at their approach, grabbing their bags as soon as the car came to a stop.

Tamsyn found it impossible to stand even without her train, so Eddie picked her up instead, and carried her inside.

“Give me a chance to undress, Eddie.”

“I don’t want to wait.” Tamsyn saw Eddie’s were fixed on her chest. She watched as he unbuttoned his pants and sat up, unsure what else to do. Eddie didn’t have this same problem, his hands attacked her chest causing a tickle to shoot down Tamsyn’s spine followed by a moan as Eddie kissed her.

“Give me a chance to get undressed Eddie.”

“How do you take this damned thing off?”

Eddie’s hands continued their attention on Tamsyn’s breasts, caressing the area much longer than she expected.

“You won’t get my dress off that way. The ties are in the back.” Her body seemed to melt at Eddie’s touch, her body both afraid and aching for more.

“My god… there must be a thousand buttons and ribbons back here.”

Tamsyn said, “Now you know why it took me so long to get ready.”

Eddie shouted, “I’ve got an idea.”

A second later Tamsyn felt herself able to take a first deep breath in hours. “What did you do?”

Eddie grinned. “Did you know officer dress uniforms come with a knife and scabbard?”

“You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“Your mother is going to kill you.”

“It’s not my mother’s dress. This dress belongs to Mrs. Edward McClary.” He smiled and kissed Tamsyn, this time full on the lips.

Tamsyn pulled away. “Then I’m going to kill you.” Tamsyn took a deep breath when she realized the import of Eddie’s words. Mrs. Edward McClary. The name had a nice ring even if it sounded foreign to her ears. She couldn’t imagine a time when she would respond naturally to the name. “It is nice to be able to breathe again.”

Eddie flipped Tamysn over, pinning her to the bed as he pulled down the front of her wedding dress to reveal her breasts. “Worth every penny.”

Tamsyn said, “Hey!”

Eddie leaned forward to kiss Tamsyn’s silk camisole. His hot breath penetrated the flimsy fabric, sending a jolt through her body, and curling her toes.

Tamsyn slapped him. “Stop that.”

“Really?” Eddie stopped and held her hand. "You want me to stop?"

“No.”

“Are you nervous?”

Tamsyn nodded. "A little."

Tamsyn felt a few tears fall from her eye. She’d always felt safe in Eddie’s arms and knew he’d never hurt her. Some of her friends had already had sex this but she and Eddie had waited. There were rules about these things, but now … she and Eddie were man and wife. She’d promised to love, honor, cherish, and obey him and.as man and wife, they were expected to have sex.

Eddie removed his shirt to reveal a well-defined set of muscles.

“I promise to be gentle.”

“Let me up.” Tamsyn asked, “I need to take my dress off the proper way.”

Eddie shook his head, pulling on the garment, sliding it down past Tamsyn’s waist. “You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed seeing of you, Tamysn. You’ve driven me mad.” His hands came to rest on the fabric covering Tamsyn’s chest. “I can’t believe these belong to me now.”

Tamsyn smiled. “There’s a lot more to me than those you know.”

“I know.” Eddie pulled at the dress, his blade cutting through the remaining material until Tamsyn lay naked save for a camisole and a pair of drawers. With the job at hand done, Eddie pulled off his shirt.

Eddie asked, “Where were we?”

Tamsyn said, “You promised to be gentle then pulled out a knife.”

Tamsyn saw Eddie’s focus relent when his eyes saw her bare chest for the first time. Tonight wasn’t the first time he’d fondled her, but until this night a barrier of cloth had always separated them. Eddie pulled himself close, his nipples pressed about her own, their shared body heat causing heat to form elsewhere. She had no idea how to proceed, but found carnal urgency to be its own teacher.

Tamsyn fell back into bed, her body turning to mush from each of her husband’s touches. They’d driven each other mad for years and tonight they’d finally achieve release. She knew she was lucky. Eddie wasn’t like the other guys. He’d never acted on his impulses, insisting he and Tamsyn not fall prey to their lusts when desire made her feel weak.

When Eddie touched her again, Tamsyn found she couldn’t restrain a moan. Upon hearing the sound, Eddie bolted up in the bed, his attention returning to her chest while pulling her close to give a chaste kiss. “Since the day we met, you've understood me better than anyone in the world and tonight we are bound together for better or worse...”

Chapter 5

“Tamsyn?” Billy called out of the dining room when he finished eating. The wine made it difficult to stand, but the walk wasn’t far..

A familiar voice answered, “I’m in here.”

Tamsyn stood next to a most uncomfortable looking couch, her red cloak gone. She’d combed her hair, now fixed it in place with the use of a silver-colored netting. Black feathers attached to the netting covered one side of her head, adding to the mystique. The rest of her outfit matched the headpiece. Silver straps lined both shoulders marking a path to the black dress below. Silver frays hung beneath giving momentary glimpses of the black undergarments below. There, a pair of translucent black stockings ran down shapely legs to her feet. Black four-inch heels sparkled from encrusted white gems.

“What do you think?”

Billy gulped, “You look amazing.”

Tamsyn drew on the black cigarette holder and blew smoke to one side, “Did your friends tell you I like to dress up? I’ve been saving this outfit for someone special. I hope you like it.”

"It's amazing. What is it?"

"Flapper attire. Early 1920s. This isn’t a knockoff. This outfit is over a hundred years old."

“Really?”

Billy found himself an inch shorter than Tamsyn in her high heels, but couldn’t stop staring at her face. It was so … perfect. Lines of purplish-black makeup coated both eyes with a border a half inch thick and no hint of moderation. Silver sparkles dotted both eyelids making them shine each time Tamsyn blinked. Some might call the look gothic, but red lipstick and blonde hair betrayed that description.

Tamsyn spoke first, “You aren’t saying anything.”

Billy struggled for words, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“I know I shouldn’t. It’s a nasty habit I picked up and I’ve never been able to stop.” Billy watched as Tamsyn drew deep then exhaled a white plume of smoke.

Billy said, “My Mom smokes.”

“She does?”

“Not so much now, but she did when I was little. I keep telling her to quit. She keeps promising, but I don’t think she will.”

Tamsyn asked, “Have you ever tried it?”

“No.” Billy shook his head. “Nobody my age smokes anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Tamsyn laughed, “I see all you kids coming to my woods to smoke pot. Then there’s vapes. Don’t all kids your age vape?”

Billy smiled. Rocky had been spending more time with the stoners lately. And vape pens were present every time he used the school’s bathroom.

“Those aren’t the same.”

“If you say so.” Tamsyn drew on her cigarette again and blew the smoke to the side. “Come and sit next to me. I promise I won’t bite.” She smiled then pursed her lips in a way that shook Billy to the core. “At least, I promise not to bite so soon.”

Her giggle made Billy’s knees go weak, his heart pounding in his chest as he made his way to Tamsyn. She was so friendly, yet it almost hurt to look at her for too long. He left a gap between them as he sat.

“My … my … Billy is such a shy boy. Not like the others. Are you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to visit my bedroom.”

Billy nodded, “I know.”

“Do you find me attractive?”

“That’s a silly question.” Billy frowned. “Only an idiot would find you unattractive.”

“Then why so shy?”

“I don’t know.”

“Girls like boys who take charge.” Tamsyn said, “I remember my first night. I was so scared but my Eddie took care of everything.”

“I’m not scared.”

Tamsyn placed her hand on top of Billy’s. Billy jumped as he pulled away. Tamsyn said, “Not scared, huh?”

“It’s not that.” Bill felt his face redden, “I might be a bit nervous.”

Tamsyn gave a look of sympathy. “Would it surprise you to know that most of the guys that visit me aren’t much different than you? Rocky was way worse …”

Billy found his voice. “Rocky? No way.” He shook his head, “He’s been having sex for years. His first was Karen Murphy under the bleachers in 8th grade.”

Tamsyn said, “You mean he ruined an innocent girl’s reputation? I know a virgin when I sleep with one.”

“Rocky? A virgin?” Billy laughed.

Tamsyn raised her right hand. “I promise you.”

She placed her hand on top of Billy’s but this time he was ready. He gave a shy smile but didn't pull away.

Billy said, “Karen and I used to be friends. She hangs out with a different crowd now.”

“Did she ever talk to you about Rocky's claim?”

Billy said, “No. I was too embarrassed to ask.”

“I’m sure Karen was more embarrassed. A bad reputation sticks to a girl once it is cast and almost impossible to end once the rumors start.” Tamsyn gave a far off look, "I’ve known many boys like Rocky. They hide their insecurities with bravado, never caring if they ruin a girl’s reputation in the process.”

“Does it bother you?”

Tamsyn said, "What do you mean?"

Billy’s mind scrambled for an answer, “I mean … the stories say you want us boys to visit. You have to know the names people call you.”

“Like what?”

Billy shook his head. “I’m not repeating them.”

“Come on.” Tamsyn pleaded, “Tell me.”

Billy shrugged, “The Whore on the Hill.”

Tamsyn answered, with a voice full of hurt. “Do you think I'm a whore?”

“No.” Billy stared at Tamsyn’s face and saw a sadness he could scarcely fathom. “I’m sorry. Was that rude? I’m sorry.”

Tamsyn watched Billy squirm a couple of moments before starting to giggle. “I’m teasing you Billy. You’re right, I don’t care what anyone says.” She jumped from her seat. “Would you care to dance?”

“I guess.” His mind was spinning. Was it possible Rocky was a virgin before coming to this place? He'd been telling the story about Karen for years.

Tamsyn helped Billy to his feet. “I think my wine did a number on you. Are you ok to stand?”

“Yeah,” Billy lied.

She led him to an open area in the common room. The music started as soon as they stepped on the wooden floor.

“Are you ready?”

Billy said, “I’ve never danced before.”

Tamsyn instructed, “Put your hand on mine. Put the other on my hip and follow my lead. This is a simple box step. Count with me. One – two – three. One – two – three.”

Billy did his best to follow as he looked at his feet.

Tamsyn ordered, “Eyes forward. Look at me.”

Billy mouthed the words as his feet tried to follow. One – two – three. One – two – three. He felt Tamsyn pull him closer, her breasts pressing hard against his own chest. It took him a second to realize Tamsyn wasn’t wearing a bra. She must have realized he’d lost focus because her voice grew louder,

“One – two – three. One – two – three.”

There was little he could do about the natural consequence growing in his pants. The slightest breeze caused a reaction down there these days and he didn’t stand a chance with a pair of girl’s boobs pressing against his chest.

Tamsyn’s smile grew as she pressed her thigh against Billy’s manhood.

Billy asked, “Uhh … Can we stop?”

“So soon?” Tamsyn grinned, “Things were starting to get fun.”

Billy said, “I … uhhh … I need to use the bathroom. That wine went right through me.”

Tamsyn nodded, “There’s a bathroom attached to my bedroom. I’ll show you if you follow me.”

Billy followed Tamsyn up the stairs, taking each step as slow as possible. Tamsyn’s hand wouldn’t allow him to stop completely, but feeling her flesh touch his own made the pain in his groin grow worse. One step. Two steps. Three steps.

“This place is as big as a church.”

“It used to be a church.”

The info made Billy forget his growing problem for the moment. “Really?”

“This house is over 150 years old. A group of evangelicals thought the top of this hill a perfect spot to build a church, it being closer to god and
all. I think their parishioners found the climb to the top a bit too strenuous to do every Sunday. You should see the view from the top floor. You can see for miles in every direction.”

“I bet.” Billy replied hoping Tamsyn didn’t look down.

Billy entered the bathroom, covering himself as Tamsyn disappeared into her bedroom. The bathroom was more modern than he expected, with a large porcelain tub and a vanity worthy of a woman like Tamsyn. A large frosted window on the north wall would have let in a good amount of light if it weren’t so late.

Billy cracked the window and looked outside, seeing the large forest beyond. His friends should be somewhere out there, telling stories, and bragging about their conquests. He’d noticed the changes in all of them after their visit to Tamsyn. How long had it been since he’d arrived? An hour? Two? The wine had gone right to his brain.

Tamsyn’s voice shouted from the next room. “How’s it going in there?”

Billy pulled down his pants, his boner enjoying its sudden freedom. Maybe it was the wine, or maybe it was the lighting, but the thing looked bigger than normal. He didn’t have to pee, and it didn’t seem like a good idea to jack off considering what was waiting in the next room.

Billy said, “I’m doing OK.”

“Come and join me.”

“I can’t.”

Tamsyn said, “I can help you with your little problem … if you’d like.” Her laugh could be heard through the door’s frame. “Though from what I felt, it’s not so little.”

Billy let his pants and underwear hit the floor. He looked in the mirror to see a picture of opposites. Billy had always been the smallest boy of their group. As a kid he was the one who got picked on the most and had the highest sounding voice. He was the least athletic and rightly got picked last on all the sports teams. He was never much of a fighter. And yet between his legs stood a manliness few could deny. Unfortunately, he was a grow-er not a show-er and comparing engorged penises wasn’t something teenage boys did in their town without a severe beating.

Billy held his pants up to the moonlight to see the large wet spot staining them even worse than he’d imagined. The precum staining his underwear made a bigger mess.

A pink robe hanging off the door knob gave him an idea. He figured Tamsyn wouldn’t mind, hell she might even like it. The silk felt fantastic as his arms slid through the armholes and the material wrapped around his body. A pull of the robe’s belt tied it tight.

A check in the mirror brought back a feeling of longing, the robe extenuating it with a tantalizing memory of Tamsyn’s scent of perfume and cigarettes. Billy slid his hands over the material, enjoying its softness. His hands stopped as they felt the chest, the large cavity a reminder of the massive breasts that normally filled the space. Billy touched the space pretending to feel something growing underneath.

Tamsyn shouted from the next room. “It’s getting lonely in here.”

“I’m coming.” Billy took a deep breath. Why fantasize when the real thing was in the next room?

Tamsyn’s bed filled one side of the room, bigger than a king with dozens of blankets and pillows strewn all over. A canopy connected to posts on all four corners, the lace coverings falling down to form a sort of privacy tent.

Tamsyn said, “I like your outfit.”

Billy said, “I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s looks good on you.” Tamsyn patted the bed. ”Come sit beside me, Billy.”

Billy pulled at the straps on the robe. “I can’t … sit.”

Tamsyn commanded, “Please sit, Billy.”

Billy wanted to say no, but he found himself helpless to Tamsyn’s charms. When he got close to the bed, she took a hold of each arm and pulled him closer. Billy tried to resist at first, but Tamsyn was stronger than she appeared.

“Impressive.”

“What?”

Tamsyn stared down, and Billy did the same, seeing his penis had snaked its way through the folds of the robe and now poking free in the night air. He tried to cover himself but Tamsyn didn’t let go of his hands.

“That is nothing to be embarrassed about. You’re bigger than most of the boys I've seen. Much bigger than your friends.” Tamsyn asked, “Would you lay down on the bed for me?”

Billy felt a gentle shove, and he fell back, the group of pillows softening his fall.

The bed pulled him inside, and Billy found it hard to move though it could have been the wine. Tamsyn didn’t allow him time to get comfortable, soon her hot breath on his thigh was the first indication of her plans. Billy started to say something as Tamsyn’s lips engulfed him whole.
It took less than ten seconds for the mass of hot seed to shoot out, Tamsyn’s movements ensuring not a single drop hit the covers.

Billy turned away as Tamsyn crept up the covers. “Sorry.”

Tamsyn said, “About what?”

“That’s never happened to me before.”

“This is your first time with a woman, Billy. You don’t have enough experience to know what is normal.”

“I mean … sure.” Billy gave her an embarrassed smile. “I lasted a half-second.”

“You made it closer to ten seconds.” Tamsyn’s voice turned to a high-pitched cackle before she continued, “Do you think your friends did
better? Or any of your classmates? Do you think many virgins control themselves the first time I go down on them?”

Billy shrugged, “I don’t know.”

Tamsyn said, “You boys watch your pornos, and laugh away your insecurities. By the time you see me, you’ve got a lifetime of pent up sexual energy you need to release and I’m glad to take it.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize Billy.” Tamsyn smiled. “Do you want to see something you can do the old guys in the pornos can’t do?”

Billy shrugged as Tamsyn touched him, blood rushing to the shaft in a sort of half salute.

“It feels weird.”

“That’s because you aren’t ready for another go, but your body is doing its best to fulfill my request. An older man would lay flaccid for at least ten minutes no matter what I did to him.

“That kinda hurt.”

Tamsyn grinned, “It hurt so good you mean.” She crawled to the top the bed. “Come up here and join me. Some say pillow talk is the best part of sex.”

He liked the idea of talking to this woman. She was nicer than he expected. Billy used his elbows to slide up the bed until he found a pillow.

“Pillow talk is the best part of sex? I’ve never heard anyone say that before.”

“That’s because it’s not true.” Tamsyn laughed, “The people who say that are doing it wrong.”

“Oh.”

Billy stared at Tamsyn as she pulled out a silver case, opened it, then put a cigarette into a long thin holder. She gave him a grin as she reached for her ancient looking lighter. After a click on the mechanism she blew out a billowy cloud away from Billy’s face then turned towards him.

Billy asked, “Why do you do this with boys like me?”

Tamsyn smiled. “Do you care?”

“I’m curious. You’re pretty. You could get any guy you wanted. Why do this?”

“It’s difficult to explain. It’s a long story and unfortunately we don’t have time.” She stared at Billy’s crotch which had already grown to mini-chub status. "Suffice it to say, my wealth complicates things. Younger men have simpler demands.”

“Why me? I've heard you've turned many boys away.”

Tamsyn smiled, “Pity?”

“Hey!” Billy shook his head when he realized Tamsyn was teasing him. “Doesn’t it bother you? The talk…”

Tamysn nodded, “I’m quite aware of what most people think, but I have an insatiable desire to bed virgins. Call it a kink. Call it an obsession. I know the women in town would never understand as most of the boys who come to me are dull as rocks. That’s why I take my time with smart, handsome boys like you. You’re a piece of clay I can mold in my hands. I get to train you and maybe even corrupt you a little.”

“Corrupt me?”

She smiled as she pulled the blanket over her head, only reappearing with skirt, bra, and panties in hand. All three garments hit the floor, one after the other.

Billy asked, “Are you naked?”

Tamsyn offered her hand, “Would you like to find out?”

Billy felt himself stir at the invitation, but didn’t dare find out, “Isn’t this wrong?”

Tamsyn said, “I’m sure some see it that way, but I did not force you to enter my house. Even so, I’m sure opinions would be swift if our genders were reversed. Can you imagine the town's response if lines of high school girls visited an older man’s house, who deflowered them into womanhood.”

Billy laughed, “It sounds bad when you put it like that.”

“I am allowed to do this only because you are male. Perhaps it’s not right, but it’s a small town and I’ve heard no complaints. You boys need to learn the ropes somewhere. I didn’t force your visit, and I never see a boy a second time. Boys throughout history have sought out women like me, and society has always turned a blind eye to us. I provide a service. Old Widow McClary, the whore on the hill. That’s me.”

“I’ve never…”

Tamsyn interrupted, “The name doesn’t bother me. They’re only words.”

Billy considered the words. Something seemed off, “You aren’t old.”

“People make assumptions.”

Billy said,“I made assumptions.”

“True.” Tamsyn laughed as flung off her blanket to reveal an amazing set of tits. Billy stared at them as she positioned herself on top as the stirring in Billy's loins grew.

Tamsyn said, “The truth is townsfolk would never know me if I ventured into town. Besides, I’m older than you think. We women use concoctions to hide our age, and my magic is better than most.”

Billy looked into her eyes. They were so blue they didn’t look natural. “Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.” Tamsyn smiled when Billy’s eyes again left hers. “You seem quite fixated on my breasts. You can touch them if you’d like.”

Tamsyn took Billy’s hand and guided it to her breast. The warmth caused instant reaction down below.

Billy answered with a mind full of lust. “I don’t think you’re a whore.”

Tamsyn said, “Thank you, Billy. I doubt many boys who visit would say the same.”

Billy reached out to touch the other breast, Tamsyn closing her eyes as he did. “I thought you said you don’t care what the townsfolk think.”
Tamsyn leaned over and kissing Billy on the cheek. “Not one bit.” She drew closer until their lips almost touched, her smoky breath intoxicating.

“I’m not sure I can do this.”

Tamsyn smiled. “The flesh pressing against my thigh says otherwise.” She reached down and grabbed Billy, her touch causing the whole to grow even larger.

Billy groaned, “Owwww…”

Tamsyn cooed, "You are so innocent. So pure. So easy to command."

A sadness filled Billy as Tamsyn moved her attention to his lips. She kissed him, a soft kiss at first and then more aggressive, causing all disappointment to disappear. Billy began to kiss her faster.

“Slow down Billy. There’s no need to rush. Let the feeling build. Women like it when you take it slow.” Tamysn nibbled at his ear as she spoke, a flitting tongue causing waves of electric shocks through his whole body.

Billy no longer heard Tamsyn’s voice and his eyes fell blind as strong arms wrapped him to Tamsyn's chest, their bodies now a solid mass while a singular thought echoed in his mind to penetrate her over and over.

A voice called through the black. “Don’t respond to the dark impulses.”

Billy felt Tamsyn pulling him close, the pair resorting to a safer course of playful kisses.

“That’s better.”

Billy couldn’t help his body’s gyrations, his penis rubbing against Tamsyn’s slit, the appendage growing larger and larger until he felt it might burst before the pain disappeared as skin slid over skin. Tamsyn rolled on top with a singular thought, putting Billy on his back.

She stood over him as their bodies continued to grind, smiling and teasing, but didn’t make him wait long. With a firm hand, she guided him inside as her smile continued to grow.

Time stopped. The universe made sense. Heaven and hell merged. A clarity unknown to mere mortals coursed through Billy’s mind, and yet he found it impossible to think. He arched his back as Tamyn continued to press him into her, until all eight inches of his manhood were inside.

“AAAIIIIEEEEE!”

This time it was Tamsyn who screamed, at least Billy thought it was Tamsyn. When he opened his eyes he saw her smiling at him. “Do you like that?”

Billy gave a furious nod, his breath not rising above a whisper. Tamsyn raised herself as Billy pleaded without words for her to move faster. Once again she rose and fell but slower each time. Again and again, rise and fall, rise and fall. Their bodies moved in a synchronic dance as winds whipped through the room and candles began to flicker.

Billy could have swore he saw stars rise then fall as darkness engulfed their bodies. Their souls merged then separated, again and again, until nothing remained but a feeling of continuous bliss until an explosion split his atoms into a thousand beams of light.

Tamsyn watched the boy sleep. He’d passed out, and in that way he was no different from the others. She knew better than most how long it took to become a great lover. She learned a lot over the years and now knew how to pull out every scrap of energy from her beaus.
Experience told it wouldn’t take long for the boy to recover. Vitality was one of the advantages of sleeping with young men.

Tamsyn cupped both hands around the lower part of her belly. Billy had been better than most, and the warmth he’d given her now emanated deep inside her womb.

Chapter 6

September, 1918

‘Dear Tamsyn,

The outside world is more amazing and more terrifying than I ever knew. Everywhere I look there are reminders of how small and insignificant I am compared to the horror all around me, and yet my love of you drives me forward.

Paris is like a dream – it’s even better than the stories, and yet my heart aches for the simple things I had back home. They are feeding us well -- the veterans think that means they’ll be sending us to the front soon. I can tell my men are nervous, but we’re all excited to get into the fight.

We’ve been training for over a year, and the French and English troops need our help. I heard a French general say there’s so many of us Americans, we’ll roll right over the Huns.

Thanks for the picture you sent in your last letter. I carry it in my breast pocket, so you are always close to my heart. Please tell Mom and Dad not to worry about me and that all of you are in my thoughts.

As I am unable to take a photo at present, I’ve included a French poppy which I picked for you, my most special of girls. I have kissed each petal of this flower, and with it comes all my love,

Eddie

PS – If you could, please send a picture like one I drew in our bedroom. My nights are filled with memories of our time together, and seeing an image of your beauty would add steel to my heart.’

Tamsyn reread her letter for the thousandth time then touched the pressed flower to her cheek.

It didn’t take long for the town to resume its normal routine soon after the boys left. An outsider viewing the procession might not know there was a war going on unless they knew where to look. The ribbons and flags lining Main Street seemed a paltry sacrifice when viewing the houses draped in black. None of it seemed real and yet, the weight pressed down on everyone even if few talked about it. Tamsyn’s life went on like a dream living inside a nightmare.

She’d shared a hug with Eddie’s Mom when the train pulled away. Neither said a word - the look they gave one another might have been one of kinship or maybe even a look of pity. Tamsyn didn’t realize it then but being a soldier’s wife and the mother of a son had a lot in common. The real horror was not knowing and each day’s agony drove silent wedges between them.

Jenny said, “I got more invoices.”

Tamsyn shook her head. She’d shown Jenny how to process them a half dozen times but the girl never caught on. “Put them with the others. I’ll mark them for payment, and get the boss to write some checks.”

Jenny Driesen was a clever girl in her own way, but she’d never been known for her brains. The only qualification she brought to this office was her marriage to Adam Driesen, Eddie’s best friend. While Jenny wasn’t qualified, that was true of many people working in the factory. Half of its workforce was now in France, and truth be told, Tamsyn was sure others in the factory questioned her own qualifications for much the same reason.

Jenny asked, “Are you coming to my house tonight?”

Tamsyn sighed, “I can’t. You know Mrs. McClary.”

“But it’s my birthday.” Jenny said, giving her saddest face, “She’ll understand.”

Tamsyn shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“It’d be keen if you did.” Jenny smiled. “Ella, Margaret, and Helen would love to see you. Gracie and Cathy might be there too.”

“Great.” Tamsyn smiled, doing her best to sound excited to see the girls who’d made her high school years a living hell.

Tamsyn took the invoices up the stairs to the office that looked over the factory. The sign on the door read, ‘Edward McClary, Sr., President – McClary & Son Fertilizer Company’.

Tamsyn hadn’t known much about Eddie’s dad before they got married. She did know the man was rich and he worked a lot. She also knew he spent most of his off hours focusing on his son. Nothing had changed with Eddie away, and that was especially true of the business work. Every fertilizer business in the country was working double shifts for the war effort.

She called out, “Got some bills for ya, boss.”

A deep voice called back, “I’m in here.”

Tamsyn found Mr. McClary in the conference room attached to his office. She supposed before the war the company had meetings in here but now the table was littered with newspapers and press clippings, and a large map of France covering one side of the table. Lines of string dissected the northern part of the country. On either side of the line he’d placed a series of tiny toy soldiers, with the northern army colored gray, and the southern colored blue. She saw Mr. McClary holding an army soldier with the number 30 on top of his head.

Mr. McClary said, “Put the invoices on my desk. I’ll get to them in the morning.”

“Sure thing, boss.”

Mr. McClary shook his head giving her a look of mock anger, “Tamsyn… How many times do I have to tell you to call me, Dad? You’re part of the family now.”

Tamsyn watched as he set the army figurine back on the map. “You know I can’t do that here, boss. You know what people would say.” She smiled as she stared at her father-in-law. Despite being twice her age, the man looked more than Eddie’s older brother than the richest man in town.

“You’re a stubborn girl, you know.” He gave her a smile reminiscent of Eddie’s and the many lines on his face began to disappear. “You’re as stubborn as my son. I suppose that’s why he fell in love with you.”

Tamsyn felt a queasy rise in her stomach. She watched as Mr. McClary’s eyes drifted towards the map. He’d placed the figurine representing the 30th Infantry Division near a small town in Northwestern France. “Bellicourt? Is that where Eddie is right now?”

Mr. McClary frowned, “Have I ever told you, you’re too smart for your own good?”

“Yes, sir.” Tamsyn said, posing as if a soldier standing at attention, “Many times, boss.”

Mr. McClary shook his head. “It’s late. You should get out of here. Someone told me it’s Jenny’s birthday today, and a bunch of your high school friends are planning a celebration. You should go have fun.”

“Did Jenny tell you it’s her birthday?”

Mr. McClary nodded, “That girl never stops talking.”

Tamsyn said, “You should spend a day in the office with her.”

“No, thanks.” Mr. McClary said, his eyes returning their focus to the map. “Now run along. I have work I need to finish.”

“Yes, boss.”

The streets were dark as Tamsyn hurried up the path towards Eddie’s parents’ house. Even after a year, it didn’t seem like home.

A woman’s voice called as soon as she entered. “I see the family whore is home.”

The alcohol smelled thick on Mrs. McClary’s breath as Tamsyn entered the kitchen. The woman’s face looked demonic as she spoke. “Where have you been? I bet you’ve been screwing lazy draft dodgers while my brave boy is fighting for his country in France.”

Tamsyn gave momentary thought to explain, but she knew nothing could calm Mrs. McClary in this state. Even Mr. McClary had trouble controlling his wife when her drinking got this bad.

Tamsyn ran up the stairs and into her room, turning the key in the lock after closing the door. Her room had become both a sanctuary and a jail. Anger boiled from her every pore, and sweat soaked her skin as she tore at her clothing.

The pieces of material came off one at a time until Tamsyn stood in the middle of the room wearing nothing but a pair of bloomers. A look in the mirror showed long lines of skin without an ounce of fat. Two large breasts hung low on her chest, driven down by gravitational necessity.

Tamsyn turned to the side to get a better look. Eddie never admitted it, but over the years she figured out why he’d been drawn to her. Boys never paid her any mind before that summer. She remembered her chest being sore for the better part of a year but gave it little thought.

Nothing happened for a long time then – wham – almost overnight, she found she had two massive weights hanging down from her chest. It was silly to complain. Without them, only god knew where she’d be.

A pad of paper lay on the nearby desk. The desk chair felt cold as she sat. Tamsyn began to write:

Dearest Eddie,

The whole gang got together today for Jenny’s birthday, minus you boys of course. It’s the first time I’ve seen Ella, Margaret, Helen, Gracie and Cathy at the same time since they had their babies. We met at Jenny’s parent’s house, and I think her Dad must have saved rations for a month. We had quite a feast.

Everyone is doing good. Margaret wouldn’t stop talking about John, Jr. Cathy ate enough food for two people. Skinny little Ella is now as big as a house. All the babies are healthy. I promised them all, I’d visit soon.

Your Mom is doing well. She prays for your safe return every day. So do I.

Your Dad is amazing. I’ve learned so much from him in the past year. He’s been a dynamo and everyone respects him. He sleeps in his office most days and though he’s too proud to admit it, I know he’s doing it for you.

Keep your head down and come home safe. I’m keeping the bed warm for you.

Your special girl,
Tamsyn

P.S. - I’ve enclosed the photo you requested. I hope you like it. Keep it safe.

When the boys first left for the war, the girls exchanged embarrassed looks the first time they gathered. Everything happened so fast – one day they were in high school – two weeks later they’d become war brides.

It was Jenny who broke the ice. “I hope the boys don’t get leave from training any time soon. My vagina needs time to recover. I swear it's gonna be sore for a year.”

The others girls looked at one another in mock horror but no one dared to respond until Ella began to giggle. Soon the whole group howled with laughter.

Cathy said, “I can’t believe you said that, Jenny.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.” Helen said, rubbing at her crotch.

Jenny’s admission loosened the cork holding back all the girl’s tongues. The older girls warned them it would hurt for a while. These women were right, of course, but no one told them how good it would feel. Over the next few months Tamsyn endured story after story about the joys of sex until their one by one, the pregnancies started to show. After that, stories of growing bellies and increased appetites became the main topic of discussion. Tonight’s discussion compared notes about the best way to take care of a baby.

Tamsyn was glad when the group’s talks turned to babies instead of sex. Her first attempt at intercourse turned into a disaster. They’d both done their best, but the experience ended with her husband sprinting limp-dicked for the bathroom. Tamsyn spent most of the next three hours crying, fearing she’d done something wrong.

Neither of them spoke after he emerged. It was better to pretend nothing had happened. Every morning at breakfast the newlyweds split into groups according to gender. The boy’s discussions grew more raucous every day. The girls grew more embarrassed with every shouted story.

She and Eddie didn’t try again, as their activities alternating between Eddie’s obsession with Tamsyn’s breasts and him working on pencil drawn sketches as Tamsyn lay nude on the bed. They both agreed her best pose was one where she was leaning forward over the edge of the bed with her long hair disheveled and her bosoms hanging down.

Tamsyn risked a question on their final day together, asking Eddie’s purpose as he continued to sketch.

“I need to remember every inch of your body while I’m away” was the response.

Tamsyn compared the sketch Eddie had drawn with the photo she held in her hand.

It wasn’t the first photo she’d taken. Every girl who could afford the cost sent photos to their husbands. Each picture drew requests for another. The last one Tamsyn sent showed a her wearing a modern looking dress with a low neck-line, no corset, and a split skirt. Mrs. McClary called her a whore when she saw it.

She could only imagine what the woman would say if she saw her latest creation.

Tamsyn didn’t dare go to a photographer in town. Instead, she found a guy in Nashville who specialized in such things. The picture cost a month’s pay, but seeing the similarities between this picture and Eddie’s sketch made it worth every cent. She paid cash, and after she got the print, she destroyed the plate herself.

She’d planned to drop the picture in the mail at the Nashville post office the same day but chickened out at the last moment. The picture had lain under the bed with the rest of Eddie’s sketches for the past two weeks, waiting for her next visit to the big city. She didn’t dare drop it off with the local postmaster. The last thing she needed was for one of the creeps at the local post office to open her letter and find the photo.

The woman in the image looked nothing like the girl who showed up to McClary Fertilizer wearing a Victorian style dress each morning. Tamsyn doubted anyone would link her to the photo even if they saw it. She barely recognized herself in the image. The moll in the picture looked like an overdone floozy from a picture show only without any clothing from the waist up. The fact the photographer offered to return his fee and double it if he could keep the plates told Tamsyn everything she needed to know.

She needed to be careful. It didn’t take much for a girl to lose her reputation these days with all the boys overseas. Town gossips loved telling tales of wives taking advantage of their husband’s absence. Tamsyn knew for a fact many of these tales were true.

When Eddie left, she decided she had to play her own part in the war effort, hoping her early nights and style of dress might hold back any speculation. Her actions had convinced her friends if you believed their taunts. To them, she was Mrs. Edward McClary, Jr., childless spinster.

Of course none of this stopped the guys at work from trying to take advantage. The factory was full of men deemed necessary for the war effort and most had decided to take full advantage of being safe at home while the town’s boys were ‘over there’. As Eddie’s wife, she made it clear to all it was best not to risk Mr. McClary Sr.’s wrath. Instead, she watched as Jenny took a side job under the stairs. A half-day’s wage for ten-minutes with her lips.

Tamsyn tried not to judge. The last thing she wanted was to let the war turn her into a judgemental old hag like Mrs. McClary, Sr. Times were tough and not everyone had the advantage of money.

Even if money were no issue, Tamsyn knew she’d have difficulty condemning her best friend.

The elders said girls weren’t supposed to think about sex but the discussions with her ‘high school friends’ told her nothing could be further from the truth. To them, it was cruel to have something so wonderful given to them for two weeks and then have it torn away. She'd heard rumors more than a couple had strayed.

For her part, Tamsyn didn’t dare tell a soul she and Eddie hadn’t consummated their marriage. At night, she replayed the events of their two weeks as husband and wife, each memory dominating her dreams. With her husband over four thousand miles away, she’d tried several methods of self pleasure, but nothing hit the spot.

As Jenny said to the group a few hours earlier – “She needed a stiff dick.”

Each morning Tamsyn watched as the boys glared as she entered the factory. Some of them were quite cute and the looks caused her to go weak in the knees. While she did best to ignore it, she found if she stared too long, her innards began to quiver. Perhaps Mrs. McClary was right - maybe deep down she was a whore.

** Knock … knock … knock **

A familiar voice called through the thick wooden door. “Tamsyn?”

“Coming.”

Tamsyn pulled on a heavy cloak to cover her nakedness before rushing to the door and turning the key. “Did you need something … boss?”

Mr. McClary shook his head. “Hazel told me she heard yelling after you got home. I wanted to check on you to make sure you’re OK.”

“I’m fine.”

Mr. McClary pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, “The tears staining your face say otherwise,” he said, dabbing them dry.

Tamsyn closed her eyes, basking in the scent of her father-in-law’s cigar. “I’m writing a letter to Eddie. I try not to be sad but …”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.” Mr. McClary withdrew his hand as fast as he’d offered it, seeming as discomforted as Tamsyn had ever seen him. “I’ll leave you to your writings.”

“Thanks for checking in on me … Dad.” Tamsyn forced the final word from her lips, happy to see it drew a smile from the older man’s lips.

“Any time.” Mr. McClary blushed.

Once the door closed, Tamsyn realized she’d left her bawdy picture sitting on the dressing table. It was unlikely Mr. McClary saw it due to the distance but she couldn’t be sure. She could only imagine what the man might think if he’d seen it up close. Tamsyn redoubled the lock.

“Love, honor, cherish, and obey.” She dropped the picture into a thick mailing envelope used for express mail to the soldiers overseas reminding herself she was good girl.

‘Thoughts are not deeds.’

Tamsyn knew she shouldn’t feel guilty. After all, Eddie was the one who’d requested she take the nudey picture. When she started to put her handwritten letter inside the envelope, she noticed a few tears had stained some of the words. Tamsyn pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and began to write again.

Chapter 7

“Are you awake?”

Billy could see Tamsyn clinging tight to his chest. “Did I pass out?”

Tamsyn smiled. “It’s natural for men to feel sleepy after they finish.”

“Did I do okay?”

“You did great Billy. One of the best I’ve ever had.” Tamsyn gave him a great big smile.

Billy knew she was being nice, but the lie made him feel better, and the passion she evoked from his loins made the lie seem plausible. A part of him hoped she'd never let go.

“Do you feel different, Billy? You’re not a virgin anymore, you know.”

Billy shrugged, "A little. Maybe. Is this what love feels like?" The words popped out of his mouth before he could call them back.

Tamsyn laughed, “Don’t be silly.”

Billy considered the words for a moment, then said, “I’ve never felt like this for anyone.” That wasn't exactly true but close enough.

Tamsyn said, “You’re experiencing a post-coital chemical reaction. Nature put these chemicals inside us so men and women would form bonds. It’s unfortunate the feeling doesn’t last forever.”

Billy said, “My stomach is churning something awful.”

Tamsyn asked, “Are you hungry?”

“No… I don’t know. It feels like someone scooped me out from the inside.”

Tamsyn laughed, “You’re a growing boy. Boys are all the same. They need three things – food, sex, and alcohol. In my experience, they can rarely get enough of all three, but the best course in all things is moderation. Would you like some tea, instead?”

Billy said, “I don’t like tea.”

“You said you didn’t like wine, and yet you polished off the better part of a bottle.”

“True.” Billy rubbed his temples, “My head hurts. What time is it?”

“A little after 9:00PM.”

“Oh.” Billy pulled himself up in the bed. “I guess I’m supposed to go now."

“Ha!” Tamsyn laughed, “A minute ago you claimed to love me, and now you’re trying to leave."

Billy sat up to watch Tamsyn get out of the bed with not a stitch of clothing on her body. She pointed through the window into the woods, “Your friends are still waiting. They seem to be having a grand time. I see one of them brought binoculars.”

Billy pulled the covers tight. “I’ll take your word for it.”

"Would you like to do it again?”

“Again?” Billy felt his excitement build. “I thought you had a rule - only once per customer.”

Tamsyn said, “My rule is one visit per customer and it is my choice when the visit ends. I find you a very special boy, Billy.”

“I am?”

Tamsyn leaned towards him, brushing her hand across his cheek. The touch caused an immediate reaction down below.

“Now?”

Tamsyn shook her head, “Of course not now. You need a lesson in patience.”

“Oh.”

Tamsyn smiled, “I hope you don’t mind if I leave you alone for a few minutes. I need some time to clean up, if you know what I mean.” She gave a shy smile causing Billy to blush.

Billy didn’t say a word as he watched Tamsyn disappear into the dressing room. The longer he sat, the louder his inner voice shouted.

‘I had sex!’
‘I had SEX!’
‘I HAD SEX!’

The guys were right. Something had changed inside him. He never remembered feeling this good. He’d heard sex was great and he never doubted the claims but the real thing exceeded his wildest dreams. The only thing that could have made the experience better is if he’d done it with someone other than the town’s whore.

‘Dammit.’ Billy regretted the thought as soon as it popped into his head. Tamsyn had been exceedingly nice.

Before coming here, he’d researched her and this house but hadn’t found much. The stories said the widow had performed this service for as long as anyone could remember. Somewhere in the dark recesses of Billy's mind rose a question – Why did she look so young? The thought caused him to jump out of bed and into the cold bedroom air.

“Brrrr….” Billy realized in a flash he wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing and his gaze turned to look out the bedroom window. Thoughts of his friend’s binoculars caused him to grab the closest garments in a panic, sliding both on easily, as they were made of silk. Looking down and seeing he now wore a chemise and a pair of bloomers, Billy covered both items with the pink nightgown he’d found in the bathroom.

A quick look showed the cold air had done a number on his manhood. If size were any indicator, it would be an hour before he’d be in shape for another go. And he wanted another go.

“La … la la … la … la .. la la la … la”

Tamsyn’s voice sung in the next room, accompanied by the echo of water entering a bathtub. The sound called to him, and he fought the urge to join her as Billy sniffed at his new outfit. Neither article of silk was especially flattering, more suited to something his grandmother might wear instead of a beautiful woman like Tamsyn.

"Ahhh..." Seeing himself in Tamsyn's clothes made Billy harden and his words came out as a loud moan forcing him to clapped both hands over his mouth in hopes Tamsyn didn't hear.

When he heard Tamsyn continuing to sing, Billy breathed a sigh of relief and began to laugh, 'I guess everyone is right. I am weird. And a pervert too.'

Another look in the mirror showed his ridiculousness. The undergarments hung off his body like two potato sacks. Billy pressed on the warm pleats where Tamsyn's breasts had been earlier, rubbing the area again and again until it started hurt. Residual wetness pressed cold against his cock. Billy pulled the bloomers up, allowing his juices to mix with Tamsyn's.

"Billy?" Tamsyn’s voice sounded far away as he dove under the covers.

"Yes?"

Tamsyn asked, "Could you find me a spare robe? You’re using the one I kept in here."

"Uhhh…" Billy waited a few seconds hoping to retain more of the bed’s warmth. "Where is it?"

Tamsyn said, "I have several in the closet. Bring me the red one and a matching pair of house slippers."

"Ok." Billy said, seeing his member now standing at half staff. "Be there in a second."

His friends weren't lying about the size of this woman's closet. A thousand dresses would be an understatement. Items were grouped by type, fashion, and color and organized enough so it didn’t take long to find the cloaks.

The house slippers took a bit longer, but only because Tamsyn had so many pairs of shoes. Heels, pumps, sneakers, flats, boots, and countless others sat among the hundreds of pairs of footwear. Near the end sat a row of slippers. He chose a pair of red ones for Tamsyn. remembering the cold of the floor, he picked a matching pair of pink for himself.

Billy closed his eyes as he entered the bathroom. “Are you decent?”

“Hardly.” Tamsyn chuckled.

Billy looked at his feet. “I hope you don’t mind, I borrowed some slippers.”

“They look good on you.” Tamsyn smiled as she got out of the tub and dried her naked body, not bothered in the slightest by his presence.

She pointed to his underwear and pants laying on the counter, pre-cum stains marring both. “Gunther can hand-wash these in a flash. He’s a magician with cum stains. You’re not the first visitor who has had that problem.”

“Uhhh…”

Tamsyn didn’t say a word as she finished drying off and put on her clothing, the smile on her face the only indication she had noticed Billy’s stare. Looking in the mirror, she stated, "We look like twins."

Billy stared into the mirror, looking at Tamsyn and back to himself. “I don’t think that is true.”

“You look better than most of the boys who decide to try on my clothes.” Tamsyn gave him a wicked smile, “Would you like a tour of the place?”

"A tour?" Billy said through chattering teeth. “Can’t we go back to bed? It’s a bit cold.”

Tamsyn smiled. “Follow me.” Billy followed her into the hallway where it was even colder, then stopped at a hall closet, as she pulled out two cloaks, a red one and a pink one.

“We’ll really be twins now.”

Billy didn’t argue, as he pull the cloak over his head.

“It’s still cold.”

Tamsyn said, “You’ll warm up as we walk around." She pointed, "You’ve seen the entry stairs. One side leads to Gunther’s room and rooms I use for storage. The other wraps around and comes out over here by my bedroom.”

Billy wrapped his arms around himself, doing what he could to stop shivering.

Tamsyn didn’t seem to notice.

“This house has gone through several incarnations over the years. I already told you the first owner designed it with the idea of it being a church.” Tamsyn pointed down the middle of the entry hall. “You can almost see the pews if you squint.”

Billy nodded. He could almost see it. The central area was massive, now designed in the style of a fancy ballroom.

“When the church failed, an investor bought it with the idea of turning it into a hotel and when that failed, my husband and I spent a small fortune to modify it for our purposes.

Tamsyn pointed from one end of the room to the other, “If you draw a line from the foyer to the dining room, you’ll see where the altar used to sit.”

Billy noticed a raised area they’d re-purposed into a wet bar. “This place was a church?”

“Honest to god.” Tamsyn said, raising her hand high in the air as a goofy grin appeared on her face.

“My husband re-purposed the side rooms, copying the style you used to see in the great mansions of England.” Tamsyn pointed, “You’ve already seen the dining hall. Over there is the game room, billiards, and card tables. Upstairs is a half dozen rooms meant for guests or for entertaining. We mainly used the main hall for dancing when opportunities arose. The grand piano is over there, but I never had the patience to learn how to play.”

“This place is a mansion.”

“Yes it is.”

Billy asked, “Why did you stop having parties?”

Tamsyn's face turned dark, “My husband died."

“Oh … shit … sorry.” Billy wished he could pull back his words.

Tamsyn’s face had lost some of its sheen. "My reputation was in tatters when he died. Few of the old gang would visit by the time it happened.”

Billy shook his head, “I’m sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. I think I enjoy putting my foot in my mouth.”

Tamsyn's face brightened, "No, you're fine. It does no good to shy away from the topic of death. My mother died during the pandemic. My husband died a few months after my twenty-second birthday. This place died with him.”

Tamsyn’s face looked ashen. Billy asked, “Can we talk about something else?”

Tamsyn nodded. “Of course."

Chapter 8

June, 1919

The Raceabout slowed as the train station came into sight. Tamsyn found a parking spot near the front and waited until she saw steam in the distance. Dozens of travelers rushed off the train. The soldiers got off last. The final person off the train caused her to run.

“Eddie!” Tamsyn stopped short when she saw Eddie’s face. A half spent cigarette dangled from his lips. “You smoke now?”

“They gave ‘em to us for free. They helped to take my mind off … everything.”

Tamsyn stared at Eddie. It was like seeing a ghost. “I missed you so much. She wrapped her arms around her husband, finding a skeletal frame.

Eddie asked, “Did Mom and Dad come?”

“They’re waiting back home with Jenny.”

“Jenny still talks to you?”

“Of course.” Tamsyn said, “She works at the factory, same as always. I haven’t spoken to anyone else from school in a while.” She hoped Eddie didn’t press the subject.

He seemed to understand, “I was sorry to hear about your Mom.”

Tamsyn had done her best not to think about it. “Half the town got sick all at once. Old Doc Peters was the first to go. Gracie died too. Thank god, most didn’t suffer long.”

Eddie nodded, “Half of my platoon got the Spanish Flu, but only two died.” His eyes took on a faraway look. “I wish more had gone that way. It might have been kinder.”

Tamsyn wanted to ask more, but the doctor warned her to stay away from the topic. “You look good.”

Eddie tried to smile. “Liar.”

“I’m not lying.” Tamsyn said through gritted teeth. Eddie looked nothing like the man she remembered. He lit another cigarette with the one in his mouth then stared at Tamsyn with the hollowed-out eyes of someone who hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep.

Eddie attempted another smile, “You do look amazing, Tamysn. Better than black and white.” He patted his left breast. Eddie put his hand inside his jacket, opening the brass container, and showing the photos inside.

Tamsyn blushed. “I can’t believe I took those.” She stared at Eddie, not sure how to respond. “You didn’t show them to anyone, did you?”

“Of course not. These were only for me.”

Tamsyn looked at the pictures. The top one showed her seated on a chair in the photographer’s office, with a blouse pulled tight against her chest. She removed the photos from the metal container one by one, but didn’t see the object of her search. “Where’s the other picture?”

Eddie said, “That’s all of them. I looked at them every day. Some days they were the only thing that kept me sane.”

Panic gripped Tamsyn, and she found it hard to swallow. “What about the last picture you requested? I sent it as soon as I was able.”

Eddie shook his head, “I never got it. Mail got hectic in the last months of the war.”

“Oh.” Tamsyn tried to smile, but found it wouldn’t form., “Did you get my letters? I wrote you every day. Twice a day after Bellicourt.”

Eddie fell slack upon hearing the town’s name. “I haven’t gotten anything in a while …” His voice trailed off. He stared at Tamsyn as if she were a thousand miles away.

‘Dammit.’ Tamsyn cursed under her breath at her stupidity. They’d told her to avoid the subject of the battle, but the word just popped out. The tragedy at Bellicourt was all anyone spoke about for months. Even now most wouldn’t let it go and it was hard to blame them. Tamysn pasted a smile on her face and slipped her arm around her husband’s thin waist. “Do you see what I brought?”

Eddie looked in the direction Tamysn pointed, but didn’t react. “Oh. The car.”

Tamsyn helped Eddie walk to the parking lot, each movement threatening to cause a fall. “I brought a picnic lunch. I figured you must be starving. We could go to the lakehouse if you want.”

Eddie shook his head. “They … uhhh … fed us … on the train. It was a long ride.”

“Ok.”

Eddie stared at the car with unseeing eyes. Without a word, he stepped around the bumper and got into the passenger seat.

Tamsyn asked, “Don’t you want to drive?”

Eddie didn’t respond.

Tamsyn nodded and jumped in the driver’s seat, then closed her eyes. Eddie’s father had offered to pick up his son, but she insisted she should be the one to greet him. “Are you ready to go?”

Eddie didn’t answer.

Tamsyn shifted the car into gear, and with practiced precision, accelerated the car down the road. She hoped the goggles would hide her tears.

*****

“AIIIEEEEAAA!”

Tamsyn bolted out of bed when the cry shouted in the night.

“AIIIIEEEEAAA!”

She ran to her husband’s bed.

“Eddie?”

It took time for him to recognize her. Eddie asked, “Did I wake you, again?”

Tamsyn lied, “I was up.”

Eddie bowed his head, tears welling in his eyes. "Sorry."

Tamsyn sat down on the bed, taking Eddie by the hand. "You're home, Eddie. You're safe." The doctors said it would take time, but it'd been over a month with no signs of improvement.

Eddie said, "You need to be careful. I'm afraid I might hurt you."

Tamsyn said, "You could never hurt me Eddie."

Eddie closed his eyes, "I wish that were true." He leaned his head forward, pressing against Tamysn's hand. "I'm so tired."

“I know.”

Tamsyn looked across the room to the decanter of ether the doctor had given them. Eddie had received a full dose before going to bed. She dared not give him more. The room grew quiet so Tamsyn began singing a lullaby she'd learned as a child. She watched Eddie's eyelids grow heavy until he again found sleep.

She stayed there for a few minutes before getting up, grabbing an item from Eddie's nightstand before leaving the room. Her footsteps echoed down the hallway as she made her way to the kitchen.

A voice called from the table, "Couldn't sleep?"

The sound of Mr. McClary’s voice took Tamsyn by surprise. She shoved the object in her hand into her pocket.

"No."

Mr. McClary said, "I heard the screaming. I thought you might want company."

Tamsyn nodded, "Thanks, Dad."

Mr. McClary smiled. He used his cigar to point at a ceramic pot on the counter. "I made some tea."

Tamsyn grinned, "You made it?"

He smiled. "I asked Hazel to make it. I figured tonight might be a late one."

Tamsyn nodded. They were visiting the doctor tomorrow but Eddie's first electroshock treatment hadn't gone so well. She doubted the second
would lead to better results. Tamsyn poured herself a cup of tea, adding two lumps of sugar and some milk.

She asked, "Need a refill?"

"I'm good." Mr. McClary smiled. "Do you think it’s time to fess up?”

“About what?”

Mr. McClary again used his cigar to point, this time at Tamsyn. “The thing you are hiding in your pocket."

Tamsyn shook her head. "It's nothing."

Mr. McClary said, "Out with it, Tamsyn. I’m not stupid and we’re both adults here. You can do what you wish."

“I can?”

“Of course.” Tamsyn saw him staring at her. His eyes were focused on her pocket.

Tamsyn reached inside, and placed Eddie's cigarettes on the table. She gave a nervous laugh. "How’d you find out?"

Mr. McClary didn't say a word, instead giving her an enigmatic smile he normally saved for negotiations.

She said, "Someone saw Jenny and me at work and told you, didn't they?"

“Some people call women’s rights progress. I call it anarchy.” Mr. McClary smiled. "First, we allow women to vote, and now they're smoking too? What's next?"

Tamsyn smiled back. She enjoyed working for Eddie's Dad. She hoped she hadn’t disappointed him. "I don't know. Maybe a woman president?"

Mr. McClary's face turned red as a series of guffaws exploded from his lips. "HA HAH HA ha aha ha ha ha... A woman president? Never in a
hundred years."

"Hey!" Tamsyn said, "It's not that funny."

Mr. McClary smiled, "You’ve done a fine job keeping my office in order, Tamsyn, but that doesn’t mean a woman can run the country.” Mr. McClary laughed again. “A woman president? Har Har! I've heard it all."

Tamsyn tried to change the subject, "I’ve only smoked a couple of times. It helps with Eddie."

Mr. McClary said, "I thought we were being honest here. Did you think I wouldn’t notice you sneaking outside at all hours? It seems the cravings have hooked you good."

Tamsyn stared at the pack until she couldn't stand it any longer. She grabbed at the pack, pulling out a cigarette, and leaned forward to the candle Mr. McClary had put there for a purpose. She'd clearly walked into her father-in-law’s finely laid trap.

"I'll quit soon." She said, taking a long drag from her cigarette, and exhaled slowly, her hunger for nicotine sated for a moment.

"Really?"

Tamsyn rolled her eyes. "Okay, maybe not soon but eventually."

Mr. McClary drew on his cigar, "Eddie's been smoking a lot."

Tamsyn nodded. "I know." The cigarette tasted like her husband’s kisses.

Mr. McClary said, "The doctor says soldiers who've gone through trauma tend to obsess on things to take their mind off the pain."

"I know." She'd been to the same lectures.

Mr. McClary took a deep breath. "I have an idea to help Eddie, but I'm going to need your help to pull it off."

Tamsyn said, "I'll do anything."

Mr. McClary said, "You're not going to like it."

Tamsyn said, "What does that mean?"

Mr. McClary said, "I have to relieve you of your current duties at work."

“Huh?” Tamsyn went from happy to sad in a matter of moments. “You're firing me?” She felt the tears form in her eyes and tried to shake them off, “Is it because I'm a woman? I know there's a lot of guys looking for work, but I think I've proven..."

Mr. McClary sighed. "You're a good worker, Tamsyn ... maybe the best office manager I've ever had, but there's a hundred men in this city who can help me run my office. There’s only one person who can help my son. Eddie needs 100% of your attention, Tamsyn."

Tamsyn wanted to complain. She was good at her job and learning more every day. It wasn't fair, but she'd made a vow. She repeated the words to herself many times over the last few years.

‘For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.’

"I know he needs me." Tamsyn crossed her arms and did her best to stem the tears now falling down her face.

"Don't be like that, Tamsyn. You know I’m fair in my business dealings. You are giving me something. I will give you something in return." Mr. McClary sat back in his chair and pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "You kids deserve some privacy. You deserve to live in your own place, so I bought a property and I think it’s perfect. It’s up on the hill on the south side of town, so you’ll have privacy. It has lots of trees and plenty of space. I'll even pay for a small staff."

Tamsyn said, "The hotel?"

Mr. McClary tossed the piece of paper on the table. "I got a good deal, but the place needs a lot of work. I thought focusing on fixing it up might be a good distraction for Eddie. Once he’s better, we’ll bring him into the office, and you can help him learn the business."

Tamsyn said, “Eddie and I had our honeymoon there.”

“I know.” Mr. McClary said raising his cup of tea, “I thought it might do him good to remember happier times.”

Tamsyn looked down the hallway where Mrs. McClary was sleeping off another night's bender. The woman was a mean drunk. She was even meaner the morning after when nursing a hangover. It would be good to get away. "Yeah. That might be good."

Mr. McClary smiled a knowing smile. "I thought you might see it my way."

Tamsyn said, "When do we move?"

Mr. McClary reached in his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. “As soon as you want.”

Chapter 9

Tamysn said, “Eddie’s dad paid for this place. The man started from nothing, becoming rich enough to buy half the town when the economy tanked.”

“He sounds like an amazing guy.”

“He was. He could have retired early but continued to work until the day he died. I figure he did it to get away from Mrs. McClary.”

Billy gave a dutiful laugh. “It sounds like your relationship with your mother-in-law wasn’t so amazing.”

“It was not. Right after we got married, she offered me a small fortune to disappear so she could have the marriage annulled. Sometimes I wish I’d taken it.”

Billy looked around the room and saw dust piled in every corner. “Wasn’t your marriage happy?”

“It was happy enough.” Tamsyn shook her head. “But our classmates cranked out one baby after another and Eddie and I weren’t so blessed. Eddie was an only child so you’d think our issues having children would bring me and Mrs. McClary closer.”

“Did it?”

Tamsyn sighed. “No. She said I betrayed a trust when I didn’t give her grandchildren.. I suppose she was right in the end.”

Billy turned to Tamsyn, “How so?”

“It’s not important.” Billy watched as Tamsyn's face clouded over, “You didn’t come here to listen to stories of family drama.”

Billy said, “I’m interested.” He was willing to listen to anything to stop Tamsyn from rechecking his genitalia which remained half its normal size.

Tamsyn pointed towards the ballroom, “We had so many parties in this place. It drove Mrs. McClary crazy. She called me all sorts of names. Her favorites were whore, tramp, and golddigger but she expanded her vocabulary of insults over time.”

“That’s terrible.”

“One thing I’ve learned over the years is how easy it can be to mold your identity to the wishes of another.” Tamsyn lit another cigarette. “If someone tells you something enough times, eventually you’ll start to believe it. Once you start to believe it, in time you will become it.”

“Like wearing a crazy flapper costume?”

Tamsyn stopped to give Billy a pose then did a little dance right out of the 1920s. “Did you like my outfit?”

“I liked it. I liked it a lot.”

Tamsyn said, “I love to dance but Eddie didn’t like going out in public. I begged him to join me at the clubs but he refused. For some couples it might have driven a wedge in their relationship but we found a middle ground. We had our parties here.”

“This place is big enough.”

“Eddie and I got married too young. We didn’t know each other when we tied the knot. Neither of us knew the things we wanted out of life.” Tamsyn placed her hand on top of Billy’s. He felt himself grow then shrivel up almost as fast. “Speaking of things we want.” Tamsyn smiled.

Billy looked down. “I'm not ready. It’s really cold.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” Tamsyn grinned as she sat on the couch, “Would you like some coffee while we wait?”

“Do you have any soft drinks?”

“Sorry, I don’t serve fizzy drinks unless you’d like sparkling water.” Tamsyn’s face brightened. “Or maybe champagne? Losing your virginity is a cause for celebration.”

Billy said, “Champagne?”

Tamsyn clapped her hands and Gunther appeared. “Two glasses of champagne please.”

“I don't know ... alcohol isn't good for ... you know...” He looked at his crotch.

Tamsyn laughed. “Hahahaha … you men worry too much about such things. My husband struggled with impotence for years. We spent our marriage in separate beds, but we figured things out eventually.”

“You slept in separate beds?” Billy gave Tamsyn a look..

“Stop. It’s not weird. It worked for us.” Tamsyn kissed Billy on the cheek. “It took me a while but I found the secret to a healthy relationship is finding out the truths about your partner, the ones they don’t want to divulge. It took me a while to figure out my husband’s peccadilloes as every man has different needs, even you Billy. Did you like the outfit I chose for you?”

“It was nice.”

Tamsyn said, “What about this outfit?” She removed her robe to reveal two massive breasts then wiggled her shoulders, causing them to bounce up and down.

Billy stared at the hypnotic movements. “I like them too.”

Tamsyn smiled. “I thought you might.”

Billy continued to stare until the bouncing fell still.

“You can touch them if you want. I don’t mind.”

Billy reached out, his shyness gone. Tamsyn’s skin felt so soft, so smooth. He brushed his hands across her nipple, feeling an unexpected hardness.

Tamsyn smiled, “You’re right … it is cold tonight. Would you like to warm them?"

Billy leaned forward, and began to suckle at Tamsyn’s breast.

Thoughts abounded as his skin touched hers. Tamsyn promised answers but he had questions. The old house. This beautiful woman. None of it made sense. And then there was the time. He’d entered the house before 8PM. It had to be getting close to 10PM and none of his friends had spent more than an hour in this woman’s company. His questions ended when he felt Tamsyn's hand reach inside his silk bloomers.

“That’s unexpected.”

“I can explain.” Billy said, his face reddening.

“There’s no need.”

Billy pulled away, trying to closing his robe. “I told you. It’s cold.”

“I’ll warm it up if you’d like.” Tamsyn said, lowering herself to get a better look at his dick.

Billy looked down. His member felt like it was at full mast but only four inches appeared. Tamsyn didn't appear to mind as her lips parted and her head bobbed.

Billy wanted to say something, but found speech impossible. Instead, he stared at the ceiling as Tamsyn’s head continued to bob up and down and warmth covered him from head to toe.

Chapter 10

March, 1920

Lines of scaffolding reached to the ceiling. A thick layer of dust coated every surface.

The foreman said, “The foyer is ready for your inspection whenever you’ve got time, Mrs. McClary.”

It took Tamsyn a second to look up from the plans. Even after three years, hearing that name sounded strange as she associated it with her mother-in-law.

At the beginning of this project she insisted everyone address her as ‘Tamsyn’ but as Mr. McClary, Sr. predicted, this type of familiarity allowed the men to assume they could take advantage of her kindness. It didn’t take long for her to change the practice.

“I’ll be there in a moment.” Tamsyn studied the plans. Dozens of workers and thousands of dollars had changed the hotel into something that was almost unrecognizable.

A tall swarthy man stood nearby with a look of impatience on his face, “Yes, Gunther?”

“Miss Jenny is on the front porch. Should I tell her to come back later?”

Tamsyn stood, “No. I could use the break.”

Gunther asked, “Shall I bring you ladies some lemonade?”

Tamsyn nodded, “That would be lovely.”

Jenny was still trying to catch her breath when Tamsyn went outside. “Did you walk all the way up here?”

Jenny said, “You know I don’t have a car.”

Tamsyn smiled. “I would have sent someone to pick you up. You should have called.”

Jenny answered, “I didn’t want to be a bother.”

Tamsyn shook her head. “How’s work?”

Jenny laughed, “You know … it’s always the same old chickenshit at the fertilizer plant.”

“Ha. Ha.” Tamsyn gave her best friend an expected laugh. “You better not let the boss hear you using that kind of language.”

It had taken Tamsyn some time to get used to the double standard at work. The men at the factory could cuss like sailors and dress like bums as long as they worked hard. Meanwhile, the women had to wear dresses and behave as if they lived in a convent.

Jenny said, “Boss said your husband might be coming to work soon.”

Tamsyn looked towards the top floor of their house. “I doubt it’s going to be soon.”

Jenny gave a grim nod, “The house looks like it is coming along nicely.”

“It is. We should be ready to host parties soon and thank god. I think it’s only a matter of time before the towns goes after the dance clubs with all this prohibition nonsense.”

“Speaking of dancing…” Jenny smiled.

Tamsyn knew as soon as she heard of Jenny’s arrival the real reason for her visit. “Do you want to wear one of my dresses tonight?”

“That would be wonderful.” Jenny nodded, “Guys like me in the yellow dress.”

Tamsyn smiled. “The upstairs plumbing is finally working. You need to try out my new bathtub before putting any clothes.”

Jenny said, “I don’t want to be a bother.”

Tamsyn said, “I insist. The combination of the fertilizer plant and a long walk has made you quite gamey today.”

“Shush, you.”

Every eye on the street turned as the two girls exited the car. The taller of the two spoke to the driver. “Stop back at ten-thirty. I need to be home by eleven.”

“Of course ma’am.”

They’d spent hours getting ready, their style consisting of the latest rage of short dresses, long necklaces, feathered hats, and cheeks painted dark with rouge. A man in a tweed suit bowed at their approach.

“Good evening ladies. May I take your coats?”

Both girls giggled, the shorter one answering, “Of course, James.”

The men at the bar smiled as the girls entered the room. Neither woman would pay for a single drink tonight. Sounds of the band getting ready echoed from the back of the club.

Tamsyn sat first, pulling a cigarette from her purse. Jenny followed her example. In a flash, a half dozen men with lighters appeared as if out of nowhere.

The girls smiled at each other while blowing out a long line of smoke, “Thank you, kind sirs.” Then both took first sips of many glasses of champagne. When the murmurs of their arrival settled, discussions in the bar returned to the standard fare.

“Christian do-gooders always want to ruin a good time.”
“I still can’t believe it passed.”
“I blame women. That’s what happens when you let them vote.”
“Hey!”

A younger man approached the table, “Hiya, Jenny. Hiya, Tamsyn.”

Jenny didn’t look amused, “What do you want, Stewy?”

“I … well … ummm …”

Jenny said, “Spit it out, Stewy.”

Tamsyn smiled at the poor kid Jenny had been torturing. He’d been two years behind them at school. A look at a nearby table showed four of his classmates laughing. They’d clearly put him up to this.

“Uhhh…”

Jenny laughed, “Cat got your tongue, Stewy?”

Tamsyn asked, “Perhaps you’d like to dance, Stewy?”

“I … ummm …”

Jenny gave Tamsyn a concerned look but played along, “The lady asked you a question, Stewy.”

“Stop tormenting the poor boy, Jenny.” Tamsyn said. She emptied her champagne glass as she stood, taking Stewy’s hand as she did so, and smiled at Stewy’s friends.

Tamsyn looked down at Stewy as she took his hand. She stood 5’7” in flats, and now was closer to 5’10” in her T-Strap heels. The boy’s hand was slick with sweat, but a pull showed he had a firm grip.

No one else was on the dance floor when the pair approached.

“I … I … don’t know what to do. I didn't think you agree.”

Tamsyn smiled as the band started to play. A look at Stewy’s table showed all four boys with mouths agape. Deciding to press her game further, Tamsyn pulled Stewy closer. “We’re doing a basic foxtrot. I’ll lead, you follow.” A trumpet sounded as Tamsyn took the first step.

*****

Tamsyn took off her heels after entering the house, then crept up the stairs. No sense in making it too easy for Mother McClary. The woman had spies everywhere, even in this house.

Eddie sat at his normal spot in Tamsyn’s bedroom when she arrived. “Did you have a good time?”

“They had a good band. Jenny and I danced most of the night.” Tamsyn rubbed the tops of her feet. “Do you remember Stewy Baldwin?”

Eddie shook his head.

“I figured as much. He was two years behind me at school.” She kissed the top of Eddie’s head. “The boy is not much of a dancer, but he’s eager to learn.”

Eddie smiled, “It sounds like you had fun.”

“You should join us next time. It’ll mean less grief from your mother and gossip from the townsfolk if you go with me.”

Eddie shook head, “I think we both know that’s not true.”

“The gossip or the grief?”

Eddie thought for a second before answering, “Both.”

Tamsyn stared at her husband’s emaciated body that had once been covered in muscles.

She said, “You look good tonight.”

Eddie said, “I thought part of our deal is to be truthful with each other.”

Tamsyn said, “I like the way you look.”

Eddie stood, the paint on his face a bit overdone, but he’d gotten better. For tonight, he’d chosen one of Tamsyn’s beaded formal gowns. The dress was a bit much for the bedroom, but Eddie didn’t seem to mind.

Tamsyn said, “I barely recognize you in that dress, Eddie. There’s places in Nashville where you and I could …”

“No.” Eddie shouted, “I can’t risk it.”

Tamsyn fell to her knees and pulled up Eddie’s dress. He’d fainted in embarrassment the first time she’d caught him in her closet.

Eddie groaned as Tamsyn took hold of his cock, already growing hard in anticipation. She stroked him slowly, relishing the feel of his silky skin against her fingers.

“You like it when I take control, don’t you Eddie.”

Eddie groaned, his eyes half-closed in pleasure.

Tamsyn leaned forward and took his full measure. Eddie hadn’t touched her for the first year after his return. For the longest time she blamed herself, blamed the war, and blamed her mother-in-law. She would have never guessed the real cause - not in a thousand years. She drew down on Eddie, her lips soft and warm against his throbbing cock.

“You know I love you, right?”

Eddie didn’t answer, his entire focus was on the nearby mirror.

It took less than a minute for her husband to cum. “Join me in my bed, Eddie. Just this once.”

Eddie shook his head. “I can’t.”

Tamsyn nodded. She knew the answer before she’d asked. This too was a part of her Saturday night dance. She refocused her attention on Eddie, waiting for him to grow so she might give her husband a small amount of relief.

‘DING-DONG-DING. DING-DONG-DING.’

The church bells sounded at half past eight, calling all within earshot of their need to be saved. Tamsyn sped down the streets in the Raceabout, knowing Eddie preferring to feel the wind in his hair versus the cramped quarters of their chauffeur’s car. A familiar girl waited in the parking lot when they arrived.

“You’re late.” Jenny said, her voice mimicking Mrs. McClary. After a moment she added, “Hiya Eddie.”

Eddie nodded. “Hi Jenny.”

Tamsyn preferred to arrive at a quarter til nine to let people get the gossip out of their system after she and Jenny had a wild Saturday night. Today, the eyes of the church followed the three of them as they entered and took their spots in the McClary family pew.

“Hiya boss.”

Mr. McClary stood, a frown firmly planted on his face as he responded. “Hello Jenny.”

Tamsyn said nothing as she took her spot. There was no point.

The sound of crying babies echoed throughout the hall, most of them perched on the laps of women still dressed in black. No one dared tell them to keep their children at home.

Ninety-four men joined the war from this town. Only thirty-two came home. The war had hit them harder than most. They said the boys of the town formed in a straight line before charging the German lines at Bellicourt. Eddie did his best to lead them. Jenny never blamed him for Adam’s death, but that wasn’t true for the rest of their friends.

Tamsyn smiled at Eddie and squeezed his hand. Eddie squeezed back.

Preacher Stevens gripped the altar tight before starting to speak.

“Beloved brothers and sisters, I must tell you of an evil that rots the core of our great town. It’s a devil we thought we’d destroyed when our great government passed the Prohibition Act. But the devil is a resourceful fellow, and so are his minions.”

“Alcohol is the devil’s greatest instrument. We know it leads to violence, to foolishness, and to wanton lust. Drinking greases the path to the devil, and those who follow him soon will find their lives headed down a dark path.”

“But drink is not the only vice in Satan’s arsenal. For when drink is combined with dancing it leads to great sin and immorality. The Bible says we should not let our eyes look in desire at those those not bound in matrimony, or our hearts and minds be filled with notions of lust. Drinking and dancing leads its victims away from God and to destruction and ruin.”

“The youth of this town are especially susceptible to this debauched behavior and if we do not act with vigilance, this town should soon become a new Sodom. The Devil is powerful, but God is greater. The Devil will lead you astray, and only those who stride the path of holiness will one day join those bright souls this town has lost.”

“In God’s name, we pray. Amen.”

Mrs. McClary gave a nod as she passed, “Good sermon today, Preacher Stevens.”

Tamsyn did her best not to react as their group exited the building. Not many people ever had a sermon personally crafted in their honor. It wouldn’t be the first time her mother-in-law made a large donation to make a point. Tamsyn nodded as she took the preacher’s hand, hoping to pass in silence. Preacher Stevens didn’t feel the same. He whispered,

“You’re in the town’s leading family, Tamsyn. I pray you act wiser in the future.”

Tamsyn couldn’t help but respond, “We only drank a little wine, Preacher Stevens, and danced a few dances.” Everyone in town knew Preacher Stevens had a thing for the sacramental wine. Tamsyn spoke loud enough so the whole building could hear. “Doesn’t the Bible tell us Jesus turned water into wine. How can wine be a bad thing if Jesus did that?”

Preacher Stevens didn’t raise his voice, “Do you presume to know God’s plan?”

Tamsyn thought for a moment and answered truthfully. “No.”

Preacher Stevens smiled knowing he’d won another battle of public perception, “Understanding is the path to holiness. If you learn that then perhaps there is hope for you yet, young lady.”

Tamsyn nodded and gave the man a formal curtsy. At least he called her a lady.

Mother McClary waited until the men had retired to the McClary household’s smoking room before speaking.

“Whore.”

Tamsyn said, “What did you say?”

She snarled, “You heard me.”

“I am not a whore.”

“The whole town is talking about how you spent last evening whoring around with young boys.”

“Stewy Baldwin is two years younger than me. He is not a young boy.”

“So you admit it?”

Tamsyn shook her head. “No. I mean…” This woman always got to her. “… we danced a couple of dances.”

“In the Den of the Devil.”

“It was harmless fun. Eddie knows all about it. He wants me to go dancing.”

Mother McClary said, “Eddie has not been himself since the war, and everyone is talking about how you are playing him for a fool. You’ve been nothing but a stain on my husband’s good name with the way you act.”

Tamsyn said,“Says the woman with a full wine cellar.”

The comment caught Mother McClary off guard, “What did you say?”

Tamsyn knew she should refrain, “Nothing.”

Mother McClary said, “Your venomous spirit is the reason God has not blessed us with a grandchild. You are full of poison, and if you continue down this path of immorality, God will continue to wither your womb and keep you barren.”

Tamsyn felt herself grow hot, “You would know about withered wombs.” Tamsyn wished she could pull the words back as soon as she said them.

Mother McCreary’s eyes popped from her head as words erupted from her mouth, “WHORE! JEZEBEL! GOLD-DIGGER!”

Her screams didn't until the two McClary men ran into the room. The older asked, “What is going on with all this shouting?”

Mother McCreary's face took on a crazed appearance. “I want this slut out of my house. I want her gone forever. I want her gone. GONE!” She ran screaming from the room, and headed down the stairs and into the basement.

Father McClary asked, “What did you say to her, Tamsyn?”

Tamsyn shook her head. “I’m sorry Dad. I went too far. I didn’t mean to, but you know how she treats me. I lost my temper.”

“What did you say?”

Tamsyn said, “I’d rather not repeat it, sir.”

Father McClary sighed. “I think it’s best if you and Eddie go home.”

The car zipped through the countryside. Tamsyn decided to take the scenic route to cool off.

Eddie said, “Dad told me he wants me at the factory tomorrow at eight o’clock sharp.”

“You aren’t ready to face them Eddie. Not yet.”

Eddie shrugged. “He said he thinks I need a routine. He says it’ll straighten me out. He thinks maybe it’ll straighten us out.”

Tamsyn could see the tears forming in Eddie’s eyes. “Your Dad doesn’t understand you like I do. You aren’t ready. The doctors are worried you'll have a relapse.”

Eddie said, “I can’t say no to him.”

Tamsyn said, “We could move. We could move away and create our own lives.”

“You know I can’t, Tamsyn.” Eddie looked out at the window and far into the distance. “You said it yourself, I’m not strong enough.”

“You are strong, Eddie.” Tamsyn said, “We can do anything together.”

Eddie didn’t respond. The look in his eye showed he’d gone to the dark place he lived when the memories got to be too much. They drove home in silence.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. All Billy's friends have visited the widow's house and each seemed to come away better for the experience. Visiting her has been a rite of passage for boys in town for as long as anyone can remember.

Billy knows he should want this. The whispers about him have been growing and even his friends are starting to ask questions. Tonight is the night if he's going to end the rumors. Should it matter if it’s Halloween and there’s a full moon in the sky?

Chapter 11

Candles filled every window. Billy asked, “Does this place have electricity?”

“Some. My husband planned to wire every room, but well …” Tamsyn’s voice went silent.

“You don’t have electricity?”

“It saves us a lot of money.”

Billy looked at the ceiling where a couple dozen candles flashed through the chandelier, “You must spend it on candles.”

“My husband left me more than enough money to keep this place going.” Tamsyn fidgeted and changed the subject. “Would you like to see our library?”

Billy looked at the ceiling. Large cobwebs covered every corner. “I guess.”

“It’s over here.”

Tamsyn pointed to a room with double doors. A huge piece of wood lay across both barring the door. Clasped on the front was a chain lock making it impossible for anyone to get inside without a key.

Billy asked, “Is this your safe room?”

“Safe?” Tamsyn smiled as she pulled the keychain from her cloak’s pocket. “Hardly.”

Tamsyn unlocked the chain. Billy pushed the heavy wooden bar up until stood vertical and clicked into place. “Someone definitely wanted this room to be secure.”

“Yeah. We didn’t know this room existed until we’re at the end of construction. You can still see where plaster covered both doors. Notice the damage to the door frame? The contractors did that when they started to tear down the wall and found the room instead.”

“Did you find treasure inside?” Billy ran a hand over the door frame. A battering ram would have a tough time getting through the heavy oak.

“Someone went to a lot of trouble to keep anyone from getting inside.”

“Treasure? No.” Tamsyn lit another cigarette. “This room’s original purpose was as an office for the rector who built this place. He plastered it over when he had to sell.”

“That’s odd.”

“I thought so too.” Tamsyn opened the door revealing a decent sized room. Bookshelves lined the walls and rose to the ceiling. Only a few were empty. “We found thousands of pages of documents inside.” She pointed to the shelves.

“He left them behind?”

Tamsyn said, “I later learned the man had borrowed heavily to build this place. The banks don’t care if you are a man of god if you fall behind on your payments. The stories say he left in a hurry when the creditors came calling. Some claim he went east to hide with family. Others say he moved north and started a new church.”

Leather-bound books filled most of the shelves. A large desk and chair sat near the front of the room. Pieces of old paper lay strewn all over the desk.

Billy said, “This place smells old.”

“It is old.”

“These books must have cost a fortune.”

“Yeah. I figure accumulating them was part of why this place went bankrupt.“ Tamsyn said, “Some of these books are priceless. One of a kind works.”

Billy asked, “Why didn’t he sell them to save his church?”

Tamsyn shrugged, “You’d have to ask him.”

A large oil painting filled the wall behind the rector’s desk. The image showed several bodies on the ground while a nearby black-clad priest appeared to be performing a rite. One of his hands touched a kneeling woman’s bosom. The other was raised to the heavens. Onlookers watched in horror, fear evident on their faces as the faint outline of a foul-looking apparition flew out of the woman’s body.

Tamsyn asked, “Do you like the painting?”

“What is it called?”

“I call it 'The Lady in Red' but I don’t know its real name. From the man’s writings, it was clear the rector had an obsession with the occult and exorcisms. Most of the books in this room concern the subject.”

Billy couldn’t stop staring at the image. “It gives me the creeps.”
“Yeah. It’s grown on me over the years.”

Billy shook his head, “Is the painting as old as the books?”

Tamsyn said, “I have no idea. Maybe? Probably? I don’t know. The artist didn’t sign his work. I do know most of the books in here are hundreds of years old. A majority date to the era of the Salem Witch Trials. A few are most likely older. Some have writing so faint it’s hard to make out the words.”

A large tome lay on the rector’s desk opened to its title page. “The Grand Grimoire?”

Tamsyn nodded, “I know a bit about the history of that one. The original sits in secret Catholic vaults inside the Vatican. The reactor must have known some very powerful people to get a copy.”

Billy said, “I’m surprised no one has tried to steal it.”

Tamsyn said, “Hence the bar on the door. Besides, I doubt anyone knows it’s here.”

Billy said, “I know it’s here.”

Tamsyn grinned, “Are you going to try to steal my books, Billy?”

Billy shook his head. “I’m surprised you showed it to me.”

Tamsyn put her hand on Billy’s shoulder. “It’s like I said earlier. You’re a special boy Billy. I have a good feeling about you.”

The hairs on the back of Billy’s neck stood as Tamsyn spoke. He backed away from the desk, “I think I’ve seen enough.”

Tamsyn asked, “Is everything ok?”

Billy shook his head, “I don’t feel so good.”

Tamsyn said, “Would you like some water and some aspirin? Or maybe you’d prefer Gunther bring us some lemonade.”

“No.” The thought of drinking anything made Billy want to hurl. “Combining wine and champagne might have been a bad idea.” He pulled off the cloak and night robe to find a fine layer of sweat covering his body.

“Are you cold?”

“No.” Billy shook his head. “I’m hot.” He should be freezing cold in this drafty house wearing only a chemise and bloomer. “Is this room extra hot?”

Tamsyn gave Billy a curious look. “It feels fine to me.”

He stared at Tamsyn, wearing nothing but women’s underwear and feeling his panic grow. It was the first time he’d ever allowed someone to see him dressed in this fashion. “I should go.”

Tamsyn moved between Billy and the door. “My husband was a cross-dresser and hid that part of himself from me for a long time. Our relationship didn’t improve until he broke down and told me the truth.”

“I’m not…” Billy tried to walk out but Tamsyn intercepted him, and being stronger than she appeared, held him fast in a bear hug. “… you don’t understand.”

Tamsyn whispered in Billy’s ear. “There’s nothing wrong with you.” Billy fell to the floor when she let him go.

Billy thought of his Mother’s closet. Memories of the shame. “I’m a freak.”

“You’re not.”

Billy stared out the door. He wanted to run. He wanted to hide. “The guys said you’d make me a man if I came here. I hoped maybe …”

“I can’t change who you are, Billy.”

“My Eddie pushed his desire behind a handsome smile and an athletic body but no one can hide from themselves forever.”

“No one can know. If anyone saw me dressed like this…” Tears flowed from Billy’s eyes.

“Do your schoolmates call you names? Things like queer … faggot … sissy?”

Billy nodded.

“Kids are so predictable and so cruel. Only the truly brave among us can rise above the pressure of conformity and become the person we were meant to be.”

Billy nodded. “If they saw me like this…”

“The teasing would never stop.” Tamsyn nodded, “My husband was six years old the first time he discovered the joys of his Mom’s closet. It didn’t matter if money allowed him to cover his secret.”

A puddle of tears lay at Billy’s feet.

Tamsyn put her arm around Billy, “A mind can deny its true self for a limited time. My Eddie hid behind the facade of an alpha male. He even joined the army when the nation went to war.”

“Your husband was a soldier?”

Tamsyn nodded, “The horror of what he saw broke him. When the authorities found Eddie, he was living in a whorehouse, dressed like one of the girls. My father-in-law paid a small fortune to destroy all records of the arrest to hide his son’s secrets but I don’t think he and Eddie ever spoke about it. It took me a few years to discover the truth but an attentive wife always learns her husband’s secrets. Learning them allowed me to understand Eddie in a way I never could before and in the end, find the depths of our love.”

“My situation is different.” Billy looked down. “You don’t understand.”

Tamsyn said, “I understand better than you think.”

Billy’s hands began to shake, “I can’t let anyone find out.”

“Trust me, Billy.” Tamsyn took Billy’s hand. “I understand.” She pulled him tight to her breast. “Would you like to see my husband’s closet? I’m sure he has some things that will fit you.”

“Your husband’s clothes?” Billy shook his head. “I can’t. I’m sure my friends are getting worried.”
Tamsyn gave Billy a look. “Do you really think your friends are worried you’re spending too much time with me? If anything, they’re jealous.”

“I guess.” Billy thought for a second and had to agree. “I’m surprised Rocky hasn’t come up here and looked in a window.”

“I hope he doesn’t try. Gunther isn’t much of a housekeeper but he is quite good at keeping the unwanted guests from appearing at my door.”

“I bet.” Billy thought of the hulking mass of a man, “But I do need to go. I’m sure my parents are getting worried.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” She pointed at Billy’s crotch.

Billy looked down to see he was still wearing bloomers. “Shit.”

Tamsyn said, “Gunther should finish your pants in the next hour. In the meantime we could visit the solarium if you don’t want to try on clothing. I’ve got the telescope set up – did you know tonight’s the night of a Hunter’s Moon? – there’s not many clouds so we should get a great look.” Tamsyn stared at Eddie’s crotch, “And once we’re done, you and I can have sex under the stars.”

Billy looked down and felt nothing. If anything it looked like his penis had shrunk. “Anything is better than staying in this room.”

Tamsyn pointed to the stairs on the left as they exited the library. “Those stairs will take you. I’ll be right behind you.”

Chapter 12

March, 1921

Jenny smiled, “You’ve done amazing things with this place. It looks like the whole town is coming tonight.”

Dozens of fancy cars already filled the new parking lot and people had started parking on the grass. Tamsyn watched from the second story porch as more headlights made their way up the winding hill.

“People want a place to drink and to dance.”

“You should take some credit.”

Tamsyn turned and smiled when she saw Eddie had joined them. She took his hand.

Eddie squeezed her hand gently, “Every man wants a beautiful woman on his arm.”

Jenny looked skeptical, “I’m starting to think this place isn’t much different than my new workplace. It’s the same as always but in fancier dress.”

Eddie said, “I could ask Dad to take you back.”

“I doubt Jenny will agree.” Tamsyn laughed, “She’s making double the salary you paid her at her new job.”

Eddie said, “Money isn’t everything.”

Jenny said, “That’s easy to say when you have money.”

Eddie adjusted the pink corsage on his black tuxedo, “You could bring some work friends here if you want.” He pulled on the edge of his bowtie to straighten it. “The more the merrier.”

Jenny gave a surprised look. “Really?”

Eddie said, “I doubt this crowd will mind.”

Tamsyn sighed. She knew who’d get the blame.

The smell of cigars and whiskey filled the air. Gentlemen in tuxedos and women in gowns filled the elegant ballroom. Tamsyn floated down the stairs in a gown meant to capture everyone’s attention. It did that and more.

Gunther asked, “Is something wrong, ma’am?”

Tamsyn said, “No. I’m nervous. There’s a lot of people here.”

Gunther’s face remained impassive, “You’ll be fine ma’am. The caterers have set out a spread worthy of a king, the booze is flowing, and the band is about to start playing. All we need is someone to kick things off.”

Tamsyn looked up the stairs towards her husband’s room. She’d hoped he might stick around, but she should have known better. Every eye in the room watched as her long gown floated down the stairs behind her.

“Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.” Tamsyn’s voice boomed out over the crowd as she waited for them to settle down. “Welcome to our home.” She smiled when Eddie’s face appeared from above, leaning against the second floor railing.

She pointed towards him. “My husband and I thank you for coming tonight. This house is his dream, and I’m glad he’s able to share it with good friends from our town.”

Tamsyn looked out at the group she’d referred to as their friends. She knew most had come here for the free booze. As a business leader it was important for Eddie to socialize.

She pointed to the table full of food. “Eat up.” The line of people told they needed no encouragement.

She pointed to the bar. “The booze is on us. Soo...” A cheer drowned out her words. She pointed to the band. “Hit it maestro.”

Seconds later, the pounding beat of a drummer announced the start of the dancing.

When Tamsyn looked up at the second floor balcony, she saw Eddie had disappeared.

Jenny asked, “Is everything ok?”

Tamsyn nodded. She’d given up trying to change him. He was spending more and more time at work and less and less with her. All she wanted was for him to be happy but pointless to complain. Others had it worse.

Tamsyn turned to Jenny. “Want to join me on the dance floor?”

“I thought you’d never ask.

A dozen men followed them as did the single girls lucky enough to score an invite. Before long, Tamsyn found herself dancing a foxtrot with Stewy who’d clearly taken lessons since their last dance.

Everything was okay. It was more than okay. Their life was perfect. Tamsyn repeated the thought again and again. A lie isn’t a lie if you repeat it enough times to believe it.

“Eddie?” Tamsyn put a key in the lock and opened the door. Eddie sat at his dressing table.

“People are starting to leave. Are you sure you don’t want to clean up and come downstairs?”

“I can’t.” Eddie’s face was covered with a mixture of powers, cremes, and colorings making him look quite feminine.

“You’ve gotten good at that.”

Eddie sighed. “I can’t change who I am, Tamsyn.”

She pushed down her anger. “I’m not asking you to change.”

The sound of footsteps in the hall put an end to their discussion. Tamsyn ran to secure the door’s lock, before the interloper entered, finding herself and Jenny hitting the door at the same time. Both ended up on the floor. Jenny laughed through glazed eyes.

“I shot I shaw you cum in ‘ere.”

“Get out of here, Jenny.” Tamsyn pulled on her friend’s arm as Eddie turned to hide his face.

Jenny had drunk enough for two parties, clearly nearing the pass out stage but she wasn’t so inebriated as to make her blind. “Eddish?”

Eddie stood, his face full of fury as he looked at Tamsyn. “I told you this party was a mistake.”

Tamsyn tried to step between her friend and her husband. “I’m sorry.”

Jenny said, “You wook amashzing Eddiesh.”

Eddie wasn’t listening, “My life is ruined.”

“Jenny is good at keeping secrets, aren’t you Jenny?” Tamsyn said, pushing back the memory of Jenny’s morning gossip sessions at the factory.

Jenny’s brain was too pickled to respond. “You wok rike won of does girlsh at da burlecksh.”

Eddie looked at Jenny then looked at Tamsyn, “Ruined…”

“Jenny.” Tamsyn shouted, hoping to wake her friend from her stupor. “Promise Eddie you won’t say anything about the way he’s dressed. It’s a prank. A lark. Do you understand me?”

Eddie stood, the full length sequined dress brushing the floor.

Jenny bowed before him, “...herro Lady Ed-mina.” Her words fell into a jumble.

Eddie looked at Tamsyn. “Ruined. It’s all ruined.”

Jenny shook her head. “... you rook amuzshing …”

Eddie said, “Bah!”

Jenny looked like she was trying to sound as serious. “I knows abut you nnndd Adam. He toooold meee everyshing.”

“Everything?”

Jenny shrugged, “My Adam wush a must bootiful manz.”

“Why don't you hate me?”

“You luvved him.”

Eddie said, “You weren’t there.”

Jenny ran to Eddie and fell into his arms. “I mish Adam. Tell meez. Will yu tell meee wut happund?”

“I can’t.”

“Pleeeezsh.”

Tamsyn watched as her husband fell to his knees and Jenny fell down with him. They lay in each others arms for a good ten minutes as tears fell from their faces. Eddie spoke in a slow cadence. “I see the whole thing every time I close my eyes. One whistle to charge. Two whistles to retreat. I blew the whistle twice but they didn’t stop. My friends fell one by one.”

“Thatchs it? A wishshul?”

"They couldn't hear me." Eddie nodded. “Something so stupid and now they're dead. All dead.”

“Itsh ok, Ed-dy. I dont blaim you.”

“I’m here and Adam isn’t.”

“You luvved hem. We bowf did."”

Tamsyn watched as her best friend and her husband lay on the floor. The first kiss was a kiss exchanged between friends. The second was more intense. Years of unresolved emotions flowed between them as both tried to make sense of the senseless. Tamsyn knew it was time to go when Eddie grabbed for Jenny’s tits.

It’d been two years since the Battle of Bellicourt. As far as Tamsyn knew, this was the first time Eddie had told anyone what had happened. Doctors had worked for years to get Eddie to talk about it. Tamsyn never pried, the doctors told her it would make things worse. Jenny gets drunk and Tamsyn's femmed-up husband spills his guts.

Tamsyn exited the room as quiet as she could. She had guests.

“Is everything ok, ma’am?”

Tamsyn wiped away a tear before turning to the door. “Don’t call me ma’am, Gunther. It makes me feel old.”

“Of course, ma’am.” Gunther’s face remained impassive.

Tamsyn sighed. “I thought the party went well.”

“I did too. The staff and I will be up half the night cleaning.”

Tamsyn said, “Give them the night off. The cleaning can wait until morning.”

“Are you sure?”

Tamsyn looked towards the bed and then motioned for Gunther to get in. “I’m sure.”

Chapter 13

The circular stairs to the third floor were much steeper than the ones they’d used to get to Tamsyn's bedroom. A brass handrail made it easier to climb, but the wood creaked with every step.

Billy called out. “How old are these stairs?”

Tamsyn called back. “They’re plenty strong, but watch your step. It gets steeper near the top, and it’d be a shame if you fell and broke your neck.”

Tamsyn wasn’t kidding about it getting steeper. The stairs were more like a ladder, flush with the wall which made it hard for light to reach the area on the brightest of days. At this hour, it was almost pitch black. Billy reached for the next rung and found himself floating into the blackness as a cold chill pressed from below.

“Tamsyn!”

“I’m right behind you, Billy. You’re doing great.”

Billy tried to breathe, but the chill of the night grew darker. “I can’t see a thing.”

“You’re almost there.”

Billy stepped and he pulled, then felt something solid, using it to pull himself up the final part.

“You made it.”

Billy couldn’t see a thing but heard Tamsyn following.

“Is that you, Tamsyn?”

He got no answer, only the flash of a lighter, which blinded him for a moment. Billy closed then reopened his eyes seeing a faint red dot at the end of Tamsyn’s ridiculously long cigarette holder. It grew bright, showing her face for a second, then disappeared as the hallway plunged again into darkness.

“Who else would it be?”

Billy asked, “Where are the candles? It's pitch black.”

Tamsyn lit one candle with her lighter and then another. “Gunther doesn't t come up here.”

“Oh?” A chill ran up Billy’s spine.

"Few people are allowed up here." Tamsyn said, “This place was my husband’s refuge, his sanctuary from the world. I’ve tried to keep it that way since he passed.”

Billy nodded, looking around the hallway. It was filled with paintings and sculptures, each one more beautiful than the last. But there was something unsettling about the whole place. It was as if the art had a life of its own.

Tamsyn noticed Billy’s discomfort. “Don’t worry, Billy. My husband’s art collection can be quite intimidating at first.”

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Billy said, studying a painting of a woman with eyes that seemed to follow him as he walked past.

“That’s one of my favorites,” Tamsyn said. “It’s called ‘The Lady of the Night Sky.’”

“It’s beautiful,” Billy said, his unease not lessening in the least.

Looking up the dimly lit hallway, a feeling of curiosity and fear grew as shivers shot down his spine.

Tamsyn took his hand to lead him through the hallway. In the distance Billy a few candles flickered on the walls. They passed a door that was slightly ajar. Inside moonlight streamed in from every window.

“Was that the solarium?” Billy asked.

“I want you to see something in my husband’s bedroom.”

Tamsyn pulled Billy along, past another series of ornate doors which must lead to more bedrooms. All the doors had old fashioned locks and all appeared to be in use. Tamsyn stopped in front of a door near the end of the hall, and produced an odd looking key from her pocket.

“Here we are,” she said, putting the key in the lock and opening the door.

The image of the girl in the picture faded, it looked like it was a hundred years old.

“That’’s you?”

“Yes.”

“Did you put the picture through the wash?”

Tamsyn smiled, “This picture started everything.”

The photographer must have used a vintage photo filter to age it. “Is it from your wedding day?”

Tamsyn shook her head. “It was taken a year later. Eddie was overseas and asked me to send him a nudey picture so I sent him that.”

Billy said, “It looks good. You look amazing.” He held up the picture and compared it to Tamsyn’s face. Even in black and white it appeared like she hadn’t aged a day.

Tamsyn walked into the closet. “That picture caused a scandal when it resurfaced.”

“Seriously?” Billy had seen dozens of worse pictures of girls from school who’d sent selfies to their boyfriends.

Tamsyn threw out a pair of heels out of the closet, which landed on the floor. “Times have changed since I was in school.”

Billy stared at the picture. The girl staring back had a brightness in her dark eyes. Long black hair framed her face. “There’s something different about you in this picture.”

“I was seventeen.”

“It’s not that.”

Tamsyn exited the closet holding a white dress. “Does this look familiar?”

Billy looked at the picture and then back to the dress. “Same one?”

Tamsyn nodded. “I bring it out on special occasions.” She held it up, the soft fabric brushing against Billy’s skin. “I thought you might want to try it on.”

“That dress will never fit me.”

“You might be surprised. My husband made alterations so it would fit him.” She pointed at several cut marks on the back and others on the front.

“Wow. What’s that?”

“My husband made those on our wedding night. It took me two hours to get into the thing. He got me out of it in under a minute using his combat knife.”

“Damn.”

Tamsyn held it up. “Step into the dress.”

Billy stepped in..

“Put your arms through the sleeves.”

Billy did that too.

Tamsyn pulled the material around on both sides. “The day of my wedding a seamstress sewed me into this damned thing. It was so tight, I didn’t eat a bite the week of our wedding to make sure it looked good.”

“Your wedding sounds amazing.”

Tamsyn nodded. “It was a happy day. Eddie and me. My Mom and the McClary’s. All our friends from high school were there.” She sighed. “We thought it would last forever.”

“I’m sure.” Billy nodded, not sure what else to say.

Tamsyn took a deep breath. “Today is a happy day too.”

“It is?”

“I find it’s always a good day when someone starts to accept the truth of their nature.” Tamsyn smiled.

“I guess.”

Tamsyn said, “Let’s do your make-up.”

Chapter 14

September, 1921

A line of people stood outside waiting to get in as the band played another jazz tune.

Stewy shouted over the mob, “It’s hard to believe you and Eddie run this place.”

“Why’s it so hard?”

Stewy said, “I can’t imagine being in charge of something so … fancy.”

Tamsyn drew on her cigarette. She could tell he wanted to use a word other than ‘fancy’, “It wasn’t so hard. Contractors fixed up the place and I’ve got an amazing house manager who keeps the staff in line. Jenny and her contacts do the rest.”

“You aren’t you worried?”

Tamsyn pointed to a man on a couch holding a cigar and a glass of champagne. Two pretty young girls sat on either side of him, “That’s the chief of police over there. The man has a specific kink that his wife could never satisfy, and the public would never understand.” She pointed to a man talking to Jenny. “Do you know that guy?”

Billy shook his head.

“That’s Manny Brown. Do you recognize the name?”

Billy shook his head again.

“You would if you ran a place like this.” Tamsyn smiled. “He runs the Dixie Brotherhood.”

Billy’s eyes widened. “A criminal?”

Tamsyn nodded. “It’s the way of the world, Billy.”

Stewy raised an eyebrow. “You’re not afraid of getting caught?”

Tamsyn flicked her cigarette into an ashtray. “We have good connections, we’re out of sight, and we pay well. Eddie’s Dad owns half the businesses in town and all the politicians. Mother McClary isn’t happy, but everyone can see Eddie is happier than he’s been in a long time. We’re doing great.”

Stewy shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know, Tamsyn. It seems risky.”

Tamsyn put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not riskier than any other way of making a living. It’s certainly more exciting.”

Stewy nodded slowly. “I suppose you’re right.”

The band finished their song, and the crowd erupted into applause. The singer took a bow, and the band started playing another tune.

Tamsyn smiled. “Of course I am, Stewy.” She raised her glass. “Would you like to dance?”

The young man smiled. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Stewy nodded eagerly, and Tamsyn led him out onto the dance floor. The two moved in sync with the music. Tamsyn felt alive. She felt something else when she pressed close to his waist.

“Stewy…” Tamsyn cooed, “I didn’t know you thought of me like that.”

The boy blushed.

Truth be told, Tamsyn didn’t like to drink alcohol but she loved to dance and drinking and dancing went together like peas and carrots. To get crowds to dance, you needed alcohol. To get alcohol, you needed Manny Brown. To get Manny Brown meant adding vice. Do not disturb signs hung from half the rooms in the building, each with one of Manny’s girls inside. Jenny surprised everyone with her deft handling of the whole thing. The kickbacks they received was enough to make a payoff to every politician in the city so they could keep it running.

And there were fringe benefits.

Tamsyn whispered in Stewy’s ear. “Meet me in Room 203.

“Really?”

“Be there in five minutes.”

Jenny stood on the stage and waited for the crowd to settle down. “Next… fresh from her appearances at Nashville’s Smokey Row … and making her triumphant return to our stage … Della Rose.”

The crowd roared when the feather bespectacled woman appeared, a long crimson dress hugging wide curves, and long curly blonde hair cascading down her back. When she turned to the crowd, the band hit their cue, and began to play her signature tune.

“Grab a drink and take a seat, the show’s about to start,
I’ve got a tale of passion sweet, about a friendly heart,
With hips which sway like ocean waves,
And lips as red a wine,
This melody will tempt you,
of forbidden dreams divine.”
So don’t be shy and close your eyes.
Let our fantasy unwind.

Men swayed with the music, their fascination with the moving feathers holding them in a trance. It didn’t seem possible a simple mind trick could fool a crowd this large, but after several tests they brought Eddie’s act to the main stage. Tamsyn couldn’t help a twinge of jealousy at seeing her husband dominate the entire room with the power of his voice.

I’ll make every dream come true, you need just to come inside
My boudoir holds the key, my dears, to pleasure satisfied.
Just tell me all your deepest fears and let me take control.
For pleasure is a fleeting act, to make us all feel full.
The acts we do both here and now, grow fainter day by day.
Tomorrow comes and dreams be gone, but never go away.

Stewy said, “She’s amazing.”

Tamsyn watched as Eddie made his way off the stage, the crowd none the wise. “Do you recognize her?”

“Della?” Stewy shook his head. “You say she’s from Nashville? I don’t get up there much.”

“Me neither.” Tamsyn nodded. “They loaned her to us for a special appearance. It cost a fortune to get her down here.”

“I bet.”

Eddie’s acts fired up the town’s leading men who’d abandoned the ball room en masse, now headed for a visit with one of Manny Brown’s girls.

Tamsyn asked, “Would you like to meet Della?”

“Sure.”

“Follow me.” Tamsyn weaved through the crowd and found Eddie holding court with his fans near the back of the stage.

“Della … this is Stewy Baldwin. Stewy … this is Della Rose.”

Eddie gave a curtsy and a half bow. “Charmed.”

Stewy’s eyes grew wide and he gave a bow. “You’re amazing, Della Rose.”

Eddie smiled. “Thank you, young man.”

Eddie spoke with a smoky high pitched voice he’d practiced for years. Tamsyn hadn’t seen a smile this big on her husband’s face since the day they first met. “That was quite a song.”

Eddie said, “I worked on it all week.”

Tamsyn looked at the dance floor. “You cleared out the crowd.”

“They’ll be back. I have another set in a half hour.”

“You’re getting pretty cocky Ed…elle.” The name had started as a little joke between Tamsyn and Eddie, soon becoming the name they used when he dressed ‘en femme’ in front of the staff. It had been one of their tests before going public but none of them seemed to be able to link the name with the person behind the makeup or if they had, they’d hid it very well.

Eddie turned with fear in his eyes.

Stewy looked Eddie and then at Tamsyn. “Edelle? Is that your real name?”

“I’m so sorry, Della.” Tamsyn said in mock embarrassment. “Della Rose is her stage name. Don’t tell anyone her real name. She values her privacy and you know how some fans can get.”

“Of course.” Stewy nodded, “I won’t tell a soul … Della.” He winked. “It’ll be between us.”

Eddie didn’t say a word as he retreated to the stage, grabbing the microphone. He tapped it three times causing all eyes to stop what they were doing turn and look.

“Is everyone having a good time tonight?”

The crowds shouted back in drunken cheer.

Eddie turned, his focus directly on Tamsyn, “I want to thank the lady of the house for all she’s done to put together tonight’s festivities.” Eddie smiled. “I’m forever in your debt.”

Tamsyn looked out over the crowd as they returned a smattering of applause.

Eddie didn’t say anything for a moment, seeming lost in thought.

Someone from the crowd shouted. “Give us a song.”

Eddie woke from his stupor. “It’s not time for my set but …”

Crowd cheered, then began to chanting. “Song… song… song…”

“Well … if you insist.” giving a broad smile. “This one’s for you Tamysn.”

The crowd watched in rapt attention as Eddie focused on giving them Della once again. His words came out sweet and sultry.

“This melody will tempt you, of forbidden dreams divine. Don’t be shy and close your eyes. And let the fantasy unwind.”

Stewy said, “She’s amazing.”

Tamsyn nodded, “She really is.”

Tamsyn sensed the presence enter her room. She asked, “Is everyone gone?”

“Most everyone. A few always like to stay past their welcome, and it’s best to handle certain personalities with care.”
Tamsyn nodded. “Of course.” She’d changed into a nightgown, foregoing underwear of any kind.

“I saw you with the boy.”

Tamsyn said, “Stewy?”

“Yeah.”

Tamsyn asked, “Jealous?”

“Not in the least. I like watching other men fuck you.”

Tamsyn laughed. Stewy wasn’t bad in bed, but didn’t have Gunther’s gifts.

Tamsyn patted the bed beside her, and tearing open her robe to reveal both breasts. “Come and warm me, Gunther.”

“Are you sure, madam?”

“Don’t play games, Gunther.”

Gunther took his time, first shutting the door then taking off his shirt, shoes, and pants. Tamsyn knew he was trying to tease her, but she liked to take it slow. She smiled when the man’s strong arms grabbed her shoulders.

“Would you like me to fuck you now, ma’am?”

Gunther’s cock was already seven inches, and a single touch from her would make it grow to its full twelve. Tamsyn drew back the first time she’d seen it. Now, she couldn’t get enough. She’d bedded dozens of other men in the last year, but no one else came close to this man’s skill.

“Fuck me, Gunther.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The preacher’s car took a long time to climb the slope. Tamsyn had a tray with two glasses and wine bottle waiting on the porch by the time he arrived.

She asked, “Has this place become such a den of sin you’ve chosen to visit on a Sunday?”

“No, just out for a drive. We did miss you at church today.” Tamsyn saw the man staring at the glass of wine on her table. “You have a pretty view.”

“You’ve never been up here?”

Preacher Stevens stared towards his church. “Nope. First time.”

Tamsyn said, “Have you come up here to scold me about our parties?”

Preacher Stevens shook his head. “People think men like me have all the answers. God knows that’s not the case. I have a responsibility to the community, and I do the best I can. The same is true of you and Eddie.”

Tamsyn needled the man, “You say you didn’t come to scold?”

“That’s not my intent.” Preacher Stevens sighed, “I do wonder if the leading citizens of a town flaunt their ability to act against the rules, what does that say to those who don’t have your advantages. Where does it end?”

“I don’t know.” Tamsyn took a deep breath, proud she didn’t return any snark. “I’m sure you’ve seen the changes in Eddie. He’s done better in the last six months than he did seeing a dozen specialists and sitting through hundreds of sermons.”

Preacher Stevens nodded, “Like I said… I don’t have all the answers.”

Tamsyn held up her glass. “Care for a drink?”

Preacher Stevens said, “I’ve got to go. The evening service starts in a few hours.”

“Of course.” Tamsyn decided to up the ante. “You can take the bottle if you want.”

Preacher Stevens gave a tired smile, “Trying to tempt me?”

“Just pointing out the hypocrisy.”

Preacher Stevens shook his head. “Wine meant for the sacrament is not against the law.”

Tamsyn said, “Would you prefer I send a case?”

“If that’s what you want, Tamsyn. The church is always grateful for donations. You know the address and you are always welcome at god’s house.” Preacher Stevens smiled, “Now, I must be going. There are lots of lost souls in this town and limited hours in a day.”

Tamsyn watched as the preacher’s car moved down the hill, not sure if his visit was to scold them for their parties or a shakedown to procure another case of wine. It was probably best not to know.

Chapter 15

“I can’t believe how good this feels.” Billy shook his head. It was the first time he’d ever crossdressed in front of another person.

Tamsyn didn’t appear judgemental. “It looks good on you.”

Billy nodded, “The silk feels amazing on my skin.”

“You don’t want to know how much it cost.”

“I’m sure I don’t.” Billy stood up, material pulling at his legs, but not enough to impair him. He barely recognized himself with the way Tamsyn painted his face. “I look like a girl.”

“You are a girl, Billy.”

Billy ran his hand through his hair. “It feels so real.”

“It is real hair. The wigs my husband bought used real human hair. They’re prohibitively expensive, but once you’ve tried them, nothing else will do.”

Billy twirled in his shoes.

Tamsyn said, “I see you’ve practiced walking in heels.”

“Only when Mom and Dad aren’t around.”

“Of course.”

Billy’s smile grew. “I feel so … different.”

Tamsyn said, “That’s because you’re letting the real you out, Billy. You’ve spent your life hiding from the world.”

“I can’t…”

Tamsyn nodded. “I understand Billy. My husband was afraid to show himself to the world and lived in a pit of darkness so deep and for so long no one recognized his vibrant spirit when it finally emerged from its shell. We need to show you off to the world.”

“What?”

Tamsyn pulled Billy out the door, leading him out of the room and down the hallway.

The light filling the solarium struck him dumb with its beauty. The walls were made of glass, giving a view of the countryside in every direction. Tamsyn led him to a plush couch in the center of the room, next to a table holding several ashtrays full of discarded cigarettes.

Tamsyn handed Billy a glass of champagne. “Let’s drink to new beginnings.”

Billy looked up. A full moon and millions of stars shone down from above, and trees surrounded them in every direction. His friends waited in those woods, surely drunk by now. He hoped they weren’t so drunk they’d forgotten the binoculars. Because if they turned their binoculars on this room, they’d see a woman.

And nothing made Billy happier.

Chapter 16

November, 1921

Tamsyn and Eddie sat on their porch when the car began to climb the slope.

“Are we expecting your parents today?”

Eddie shook his head. “They aren’t supposed to come over until Sunday.”

Tamsyn smiled at her husband. His nighttime shouts from the solarium had grown less frequent. The extra rest brought color back to his face.

She pointed down the hill. “That’s their car, isn’t it?”

Eddie nodded once, then looked over at Tamsyn. Tamsyn motioned to Gunther.

“Be a dear, and get someone to prepare us a light meal. Finger sandwiches, cookies, and tea would be perfect.”

Gunther asked, “No wine?”

Tamsyn looked at Eddie, who shook his head. “No wine.”

Gunther bowed, “Of course, ma’am.”

The car inched closer and closer but coming closer every second.

Eddie had claimed this hill was so steep, he and his buddies could have held this hill against a battalion of Germans. Tamsyn sighed. Surely she could hold it against one bitter old woman?

Mrs. McClary stormed into the house.

Tamsyn said, “Gunther. Please take her coat.” She felt Eddie put his arm around her in a protective manner.

“No need, Gunther.” Mrs. McClary’s face looked scarlet as she stormed into the sitting room. “I won’t be staying long.” She stared at her son. “Leave us Eddie, Tamsyn and I need to speak. Alone.”

Eddie gave Tamsyn a look and she nodded. He took a step back, retreating behind the room’s double doors. Gunther pulled them shut.

Mrs. McClary tossed something on the table. “Would you care to explain this?”

Tamsyn’s heart sank when she saw it. It had been years. The picture had frayed around the edges but the image was clear. It was a girl in her wedding dress, the top half pulled down to her waist, with boobs on full display.

“I …”Tamsyn cried out, “… I can explain.”

“Save it.”

Tamsyn said, “There’s an innocent explanation.”

Venom spit as Mrs. McClary’s spoke. “How dare you call this innocent!” The woman stood, the judgement clear on her face. “I’ve been right all along. You think I haven’t been hearing the stories of your whoring? You’ve dishonored this family again and again. For years, I have tried to get my husband to do something, but he’s always protected you, and I could never understand why.”

“I sent that picture to Eddie during the war.”

“Lying whore!”

Tamsyn stared at the picture. The image was exactly as she remembered. She still had the wedding dress. Her face had matured, and she did her hair in a different style these days, but it was her. “How did you get this?”

Mrs. McClary said, “I know you worked a lot of late nights with my husband. I’ve always known you were rotten to the core but I figured there were lines a whore like you wouldn’t cross.”

“What are you talking about?”

Mrs. McClary, “You slept with my husband.”

The comment took a moment to process in Tamsyn’s brain and when it did, she laughed out loud.

“Hahahahahaha…” The response caused Mrs. McClary’s face to grow apoplectic. “Are you crazy!” Tamsyn shouted, “We never… He’d never… Mr. McClary is a father to me.”

Mrs. McClary said, “You never had a father, you no-good, simple-minded, tramp. Your Mom was a two-bit whore who got knocked up by a criminal. And you’ve turned out worse than either of them.”

Tamsyn said, “My father?”

Mrs. McClary’s face twisted itself into a snarl. “Did you ever wonder why your mother never told your father’s name? He got pregnant while working in a whorehouse. She didn’t know the man’s name.”

“That’s not true. My Momma… she insisted I always be a good girl … she insisted I …”

Mrs. McClary had held this nugget for years, waiting for the right moment to spring it. “I had investigators check out all the girls Eddie dated.
When I told him the truth of your birth, it steeled his resolve to date you.”

“That’s a lie.”

“Ask him. I dare you.” Mrs. McClary gave an arrogant grin.

Tamsyn said, “I’ve had investigators look for my father. They didn’t find anything about my mother’s past.”

“I wonder why?” Mrs. McClaryI looked more smug if it were possible. “I did what any mother would do in my situation. I had the authorities gather all the records of your mother’s arrests and hid them away. We couldn’t have any embarrassment coming back on the family through the association. It was a bless for all she died from the Spanish Flu.”

Tamsyn felt the rage build. “You need to leave.”

“I did it to protect my son. I’ve told him a thousand times to leave you but it’s like you’ve woven a spell over him.”

“Fuck you.”

Mrs. McClary didn’t say a word as the self-satisfied smile sat on her face.

“Gunther!” Tamsyn’s rage quaked her bones. “Escort Mrs. McClary to her car. She is leaving.”

Gunther opened the door and looked at both women.

Mrs. McClary picked up the photo and held it in the air. “We’re not finished with this discussion. Not by a long shot. You’re finished in this town.”

Tamsyn’s Raceabout screamed down the hill going well over sixty by the time she reached the bottom. Pre-war cars were no longer in fashion, but it reminded her of simpler times. Thankfully the car hadn’t lost a bit of speed.

She passed Mrs. McClary well before she reached the bottom of the hill, but didn’t give her the satisfaction of looking. Her car sped across town, passing the McClary factory just before stopping in front of their recently built mansion.

Hazel asked, “Hello Miss Tamsyn. Is the master expecting you?”

“I need to see him.”

“It’s ok, Hazel. Mr. McClary called from the top of the stairs. Tamsyn could see he had been drinking. “Let’s talk in my study.”

Tamsyn did her best not to scream. Mr. McClary sat down in a big chair near the fireplace. The table next to the chair held an ashtray with a half smoked cigar, a half-full decanter of brandy, and an empty glass.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Tamsyn ignored him, “Do you know why I’m here.”

Mr. McClary nodded, “Yeah.”

“Do you know your wife visited me?”

Mr. McClary nodded, “Yeah.”

“She had a picture. A very private picture of me. Do you know where she got it?”

Mr. McClary nodded. “Yeah.” He refilled his glass and took a long sip. “The army sent me all of Eddie’s belongings when I paid to get him out of detention.” He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a stack of carefully bound envelopes.

“My letters?”

Mr. McClary looked down as he laid them on the table. Tamsyn picked up the stack and saw they’d all been opened. Every envelope looked well worn.

“The army opened them?”

“No.” Mr. McClary shook his head.

Tamsyn saw the tears building in Mr. McClary’s eyes. She’d never seen the man cry.

“Eddie chose well when he picked you. We were a good team, you and I. I’d come to rely on you more than I should. My feelings they got… too much. When Eddie came back my feelings started to grow. I knew I had to get away from you.” Mr. McClary took another drink. “I hoped the picture would be enough.”

Tamsyn lay back in her chair. This man … he’d been her mentor. She’d learned so much from him but now … across the table … she saw a broken man. A small man.

“We didn’t do anything wrong.” Tamsyn choked out the words.

“My wife is demanding a divorce.”

“A divorce?” Tamsyn laughed, “Your lawyers would crush her in court.”

“She doesn’t want a divorce from me.” Mr. McClary said, “She wants Eddie to divorce you.”

“No…” Tamsyn laughed then looked to Mr. McClary’s face, “Seriously?”

Mr. McClary nodded, “I wish I were kidding.”

Tamsyn said, “You know your wife belongs in a sanitarium. She is not well. You know it’s true.”

“Of course I know.” Mr. McClary sighed, “But she’s my wife, and I made a vow.”

Tamsyn said, “It’s a simple picture. If you’ve read my letters, you know your son requested it. I did nothing wrong. I’m not ashamed of what I did.”

“She’s threatening to take it to the church and she’s got your Mom’s records. You know what they’ll say if they see it.” Mr. McClary said, “Those righteous bastards have been waiting for an excuse to take you down and you know what happens in a town like this when anger gets stoked. Half the town thinks I stole their businesses during the war. And every time they see Eddie, it reminds them of family members who didn’t come home. Then, there’s the parties...”

“I’m doing them for Eddie.”

Mr. McClary pounded his fist on the table causing the cigar to fly into the air and fall on the ground. “I know why you’re having the parties.”

“You can’t do this.”

“I don’t have a choice. The whole town is looking for an excuse to take the family down, Tamsyn. Don’t you understand?”

“Get your wife to back off? She’s the problem.”

“She is who she is. I make no apologies for her. I think you understand better than most that a successful marriage needs compromise.” Mr. McClary took a deep breath. “I promise. I’ll set you up somewhere nice. You’ll never have to work a day in your life.”

“I want to work!”

Mr. McClary continued, “You’re still young, you’re very pretty, and you don’t have kids. Another man will come along. Someone more worthy of you than my son.”

“Eddie is the best man I’ve ever known!”

“And yet you seek the comfort of other men’s beds.”

“We have an arrangement.”

“Everyone in town knows about your arrangement, Tamsyn. Everyone in town thinks you’ve made him your cuckold.” Mr. McClary lit his cigar and gave it a few vigorous puffs. “Do you make him watch too?”

“That’s not fair.” Tamsyn paused. “It’s not like that. You know the real issue better than anyone.”

“I’ve made my decision, Tamysn.” Mr. McClary sat back in his chair. “My lawyers will draw something up by the end of this week. It will be fair. I promise.”

Tamsyn had watched this man negotiate a thousand contracts. She’s seen the steel in his eyes when he’d made up his mind. She picked up her letters. “These are mine. I’m taking them with me.”

“Of course.”

“Go to hell … boss.”

Tamsyn ran up the stairs and into her room, slamming the door behind her. The door opened a few seconds later.

“You ran off. What’s wrong?” Eddie wore one of his finest cloaks.

Tamsyn shook her head. “It’s nothing.” She needed time. Time to think, to figure things out.

Eddie said, “It’s not nothing. Mother comes to the house then rushes off screaming with you chasing. Now you return, and I find you crying on your bed.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Eddie said, “I’m talking to someone about it. Do you want Mom to be the first to tell the story?”

Tamsyn sighed, “She wants us to get a divorce.”

Eddie laughed. “Ha!’

“Father is supporting her. He’s insisting.’

“What?” Eddie’s face turned grim.

Tamsyn turned to face her husband. “He said the lawyers will have the paperwork ready by the end of the week.”

Eddie said, “That’s crazy. I’ll go to talk to him. I’m sure it’s all a big misunderstanding.”

“Don’t.” Her husband’s brow showed the building strain of the argument.

“That can’t happen.” Eddie pulled Tamsyn close. “Our marriage is everything to me. You are my rock. I don’t know what I’d do if you aren’t around.”

“I know but your mother will make life hell if we don’t give in.” Tamsyn shuddered at memories of their argument. She’d tried her best. She’d spent the last four years completely devoted to Eddie but these people had never taken her in. Eddie’s Dad saw her as a trophy to be won. Eddie’s Mom saw her as a threat. “Your Mom is evil, Eddie. You can’t fight evil.”

Eddie’s arms wrapped around Tamsyn’s body, his hands coming to rest on her breasts. She felt herself slump into his grasp, basking in the warmth.

Eddie said, "The others don’t understand our relationship. They don’t understand me. The day I met you was the luckiest of my life. You can’t leave. I won’t survive."

“I know.”

“Ma’am?”

Tamsyn sat in bed smoking a cigarette. “Yes, Gunther?”

“You know how I can sometimes hear the conversations between yourself and Master McClary?.”

“You mean how you like to eavesdrop?”

Gunther shrugged, “If I may be so bold, I think I have a solution to your problem.”

Tamsyn gave Gunther a look. Only an idiot didn’t know the servants weren’t listening in on their conversations. Seen and not heard. Most were smart enough not to bring it up.

“What is it now?”

Gunther said, “I was doing some research.”

Tamsyn said, “You did research in the library without telling me?”

“Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am.”

Tamsyn’s eyes fell to the man’s crotch. Gunther had gotten too comfortable and had started taking too many liberties. Then again, the man had an amazing cock.

“What did you find?”

“I think I have a solution to your mother-in-law problem.”

“Oh?” Tamsyn said.

Gunther’s smile grew bigger. “Would you like to see?”

The contractors didn’t find the library until the end of construction. Not sure what to do with the contents, they’d locked it up for another year until Gunther asked if he could organize the place.

Most of the book looked quite old. Most of them appeared to be quite valuable. The first time they’d entered the room, books had been strewn from one end of the room as if the former occupant had left in a hurry.

They later learned the story of the rector, penned in his own maniac writings. It didn’t take long to figure out most of the books in the room were histories of demons and spirits from long lost civilizations. Some made for good reading, but most were unreadable, written in languages few could understand.

Their discovery of the Grand Grimoire changed everything.

At first, they found the words inside completely undecipherable. The first chapters were written in a foreign language they later determined to be Old English. The purchase of an Old English dictionary helped some with their efforts,but progress was slow.. At first, Tamsyn scoffed at the idea the thing might be a spellbook. The first spell in the book was a blessing for newborn babies. The next rid the land of pestilence, and the one after called on the sky to fill the rivers. Interesting but completely useless for their needs.

Tamsyn didn’t think much of the spell named ‘obscura’ the first time she read it. It was Gunther who came up with the idea. The ingredients were easy to gather. The previous occupant had conveniently left behind a cauldron and the spell’s catalyst. They cast it on Eddie any time he wanted to dress up, and no one in the room recognized him as long as he was out of their presence by midnight.

After the first spell, Tamsyn couldn’t stop. The book had many hidden secrets and she wanted to know more. These days she and Gunther spent most of their afternoons locked behind the closed doors of the library, piecing together clues between lovemaking sessions.

Tamsyn entered the library. “What did you find?”

Gunther opened the Grand Grimoire to a page near the back of the book. Sharp lines and angles covered the page. “I translated this page. It deals with evil.”

Tamsyn said, “What do you mean?”

Gunther said, “You said it yourself. Mrs. McClary is evil. We need to take care of her.”

Tamsyn looked around the room and then out into the hall. She shut the door and locked it just to be sure. She whispered, “Will it hurt her?”

Gunther spoke without emotion, “Do you care?”

“I…” Tamsyn looked at the page. The scribbles didn’t look like any language she’d ever seen. “How did you decipher it?”

Gunther said, “It’s written in an old Elamite script.” He held up a book of translation. “It took me a month to decode.”

Tamsyn stared at the page filled in an ancient script. She hated her mother-in-law, but Gunther’s insinuation was clear. “Have you tested it?”

Gunther shook his head. “This isn’t the type of spell you test.” His stare grew intense, “I gathered the ingredients. I’ve written down the steps. We try or we don’t. It’s your call.”

Tamsyn looked over the translation written in Gunther’s block script, “How long have you been preparing this spell?” The ingredients wasn’t something a person could put together in an afternoon.

“A while.” As usual, Gunther’s face betrayed no emotion.

“Will they be able to trace it to us?”

Gunther shook his head, “It’s magic. She’ll be at her house. You’ll be here. I don’t know how you could be implicated.” He added, “You know if we don’t act, this time next week you’ll be out of this house. I know what I’d do if I were in your shoes.”

Tamsyn nodded. In a week, she’d be on a train away from everything and everyone she’d ever loved. She looked to the heavens, and crossed herself as she fell to her knees. “Please God, tell me what to do. Give me a sign.”

A smile grew on the large man's face. Tamsyn couldn’t remember if she’d ever seen him smile. Gunther asked, “Did you get an answer?”

“No.”

“That’s been my experience too. I lost my faith a long time ago.” Gunther looked up at the ceiling, “I’ve heard the faithful say God helps those who help themselves.”

Tamsyn took a deep breath. “I suppose.” She doubted God would listen to her prayers. It’d been years since she’d been to church. “What do
I need to do?”

Gunther pulled a knife from his pocket. “The spell isn’t so tough. For the first part you need to take off your clothes.”

Tamsyn looked over the translation. “I don’t see that here. Are you trying to trick me into taking off my clothes?”

“Like I’d need to trick you.” Gunther tapped a finger to his temple. “I haven’t written everything down. Parts of the spell are up here.”

The man had already taken off his own shirt. Tamsyn watched him take off his pants and smiled when she saw his growing cock. The thing looked obscene but felt so good. Feeling her gathering heat, she took off her top then pulled down her bloomers until they hit the floor.

“Good.” Gunther grabbed Tamsyn’s right hand, then flashed a blade across her palm. A bright crimson stain appeared on her right hand.

“What the hell…” Tamsyn grabbed her hand.

Gunther didn’t react, “Give me your other hand.”

“No.”

“Do you want to do this spell or not?”

Blood from Tamsyn’s right hand dripped on the floor as she offered her left. Gunther didn’t hesitate as he cut a similar slash across her palm.

“Now do me.” He held out his knife.

“You want me to cut you?”

Gunther nodded, “Twice across the palm. The knife is very sharp. Let it do the work.”

Tamsyn did as instructed. One slash and then another. Their blood dripped into a pool on the floor.

“Take my hand.”

Gunther held both hands in front of his body with palms turned up. Tamsyn put hers on top allowing the blood to mingle. Gunther took a firm grip, power of the man’s grasp causing a slight yelp from Tamsyn’s lips.

“That’s hurts.”

Gunther ignored her. “Now we say the incantation. Lay back on the floor and repeat my words.”

Gunther pressed Tamsyn to the floor, his hardness clear of the next move. “The spell requires we have sex?”

“Don’t pretend like you won’t enjoy it.” Gunther gave a self-assured stare while positioning to impale her. “The spell comes from the era of human sacrifices and orgies.”

Tamsyn asked, “This better not be some weird kink of yours.”

“You can leave at any time.” Gunther rubbed his entire length across her slit.

Tamsyn’s shivered in delight, “Oh god …”

“Is god speaking to you now?”

"Shut up." Tamsyn’s knees went weak as Gunther pressed his tip forward. “AIIIEEEEEE…”

“What was that?” Gunther gave her an infuriating grin. “Do you like that?”

Tamsyn snapped, “Put it in me.” This man had taken too liberties due to their relationship. But this cock…

Gunther shook his head. “Not yet.” He intertwined his fingers with Tamsyn’s. “Tell me you love me.”

Tamsyn sighed, “I love you.”

Gunther said, “Tell me you want your mother-in-law dead.”

Tamsyn loins throbbed as Gunther pressed a little further. “I want that bitch dead.”

Gunther said, “Tell me you’ll do anything to please me.”

Tamsyn answered, “I’ll do anything to please you.”

Gunther said, “Call me master.”

Tamsyn said, “Master?”

Gunther repeated, “You need to beg. You've got to beg for the spell to work.”

Tamsyn wanted to say no but desire replaced rational thought., “Please master. I need you inside me.”

Gunther grinned, “Will you serve me?” He pushed a little further.

Tamsyn screamed, “I’ll serve you Gunther, please … please… please.”

“At the cost of your soul?”

Tamsyn wasn't listening to the words. Her thoughts focused on one thing as Gunther penetrated. “Yes… Oh god! … Yes!!! … YES!!!”

Gunther pressed forward with his entire length but Tamsyn didn’t feel it. She passed out before the end of his first thrust.

Gunther sat at the desk reading the book.

Tamsyn asked, “Did it work?”

“How do you feel?”

Tamsyn looked at her hands. The cuts on her palms had disappeared. “I feel … different.”

Gunther said, “It takes time to adjust.”

Tamsyn said, “What do you mean?”

Gunther turned the Grand Grimoire around, “Read this page.”

Tamsyn looked at the page. At the top she saw the words, ‘Finger of death’. Below it were a list of instructions.

Gunther said, “It is no small thing to kill a person. Eddie’s nightly screams are proof of that.”

Tamsyn read line after line of text “How am I able to understand this? It was gibberish five minutes ago.”

Gunther smiled, “I was like you once upon a time. A simple man with a simple mission to save souls. I built a place of god on a tall hill where people could come and study the gospels. I intended it to become a school of divinity. I gathered books of study hoping to protect people from demons.”

Tamsyn watched as Gunther’s skin turned dark, and his body began to grow. Red eyes pierced the veil of haze.

Tamsyn fell on the floor, “What are you?”

“I built this house.”

“You’re the rector?”

Gunther nodded, “Words cannot express the pain I endured the day of my transformation. I was studying an ancient text and read the wrong passage. The demon lord who emerged from the portal laughed at me when I begged for my life, I happily gave him my soul to make him go away. I had no idea I’d bound myself to him.”

“It took days for my body to adjust. By the time I regained my senses, I found myself in a whorehouse, weak and exhausted. When I returned to my church my skin burst into flame.”

“So I paid a man to plaster up the library then killed him to keep it secret. The nice thing about becoming a demon is it teaches you about patience. I knew someone would buy the place eventually. When you stripped the place of all religious artifacts, I knew I might be able to regain my house as a base of operations. You and your husband were easy to corrupt. A push here and a tug there. It’s amazing the things people will give away when you give them everything they they want.”

Tamsyn couldn’t stand so she tried to scramble across the floor.

“Stop.”

Tamsyn found she couldn’t move. She tried to scream, but no sound came out.

“You are in my service now, Tamysn. I control you and you will do as I say.”

It shouldn’t be a big deal. All Billy's friends have visited the widow's house and each seemed to come away better for the experience. Visiting her has been a rite of passage for boys in town for as long as anyone can remember.

Billy knows he should want this. The whispers about him have been growing and even his friends are starting to ask questions. Tonight is the night if he's going to end the rumors. Should it matter if it’s Halloween and there’s a full moon in the sky?

Chapter 17

Tamsyn pointed, “This part of the house was the church’s bell tower.” She pointed to the brass telescope near one of the windows. “My husband spent a fortune to take out the roof and enclose the entirety with glass. He loved sleeping under the stars. It reminded him of his time in the service.” An unmade mattress lay on the floor. It told of continued use.

Billy pointed at the telescope. “Can I take a look?”

“Of course.”

The telescope could see everything for miles. Billy saw the school. The town hall. The town’s shopping center. He shifted the telescope to the nearby woods. Four figures sat around a small campfire with beer bottles scattered nearby.

“I see my friends.”

“You’re supposed to be looking at the stars, not play peeping tom.” Tamsyn pointed up, “See that bright light? If you focus the telescope on it you'll see Venus, the second brightest object in the night’s sky. It’s harder to see when the moon is full but ancient astronomers named her the 'morning star'.”

Billy wasn’t listening to Tamsyn’s astronomy lesson, preferring to move the telescope to more familiar sights. “You can see every house in town. I can see my house. And there’s Tyler's.”

Tamsyn shook her head, “My husband used the telescope to keep an eye on his factory.”

Billy asked, “What factory?”

“It’s been closed for a long time. The jobs left years ago, and they tore down the building. If you look hard you can see the road we used to visit the town.”

Billy nodded, “I think we followed it to come here.”

Tamsyn poured two cups of tea and placed both on a small table next to the couch.

“I want to ask you a question, and I want you to think hard before giving me an answer.”

Billy said, “I’ll do my best.”

Tamsyn asked, “Why did you wait so long to visit? Your friends came to my doorstep the first weekend they were eligible.”

Billy shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Are you sure you don’t know, or is fear talking?” Tamsyn passed Billy a cup of tea.

Billy shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know.”

“You keep repeating yourself.” She placed her hand on Billy’s arm. “I think you know the answer. You don’t want to admit it.”

Billy stared at Tamsyn. This woman was beautiful, there was no denying it. But even after sleeping with her, his feelings for her were different than other guys.

He took a deep breath. “People think I’m gay.”

Tamsyn asked, “Are you?”

“I don’t know.” Billy closed his eyes. “I go to church every Sunday and pray to be like everyone else but I wake up Monday morning and the feelings remain.” Billy bowed his head. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” He pointed at his outfit. “I mean .. look at me. I’m wearing a dress and it makes me happier than I can explain. That isn’t normal.”

“It was for my husband.”

Billy shook his head. “I don’t know what to do.”

Tamsyn placed her hand on Billy’s “I can help you. I can give you what you want but you need to ask me for it. You need to admit your true feelings.” Tamsyn pulled down her shirt to reveal her naked chest.

“Touch me.”

Billy shouted, “Weren’t you listening? I don’t think about girls like that.”

“So why did you come to my house?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think you do.” Tamsyn took hold of Billy’s wrists and moved his hands until both rested on her breasts. Billy felt a shock as soon as his hand touched her skin and he pulled away. Tamsyn smiled, “The truth is I have something you need. Something you desire deep in your soul.”
Tamsyn’s cloak fell to the ground. She stood naked in the moonlight.

Billy couldn’t take his eyes off her body. “You’re very beautiful.”

“Yes, I am." Tamsyn said without of hint of shame. "I'm sure if a modeling agency saw me, I could get signed to a contract but I've found my beauty to be both blessing and curse.” She touched Billy’s waist, moving her hand lower until it came to rest between Billy’s legs, “Why hasn’t my beauty gotten you hard? Do you have a problem?”

"I told you. I’m a freak.”

“No you’re not.” Tamsyn moved her hand over the material of the wedding dress, until her hands came to rest on Billy’s chest. “This dress was made especially for me. I never thought much about my chest as a child until … poof …one day I had these things sticking out. All the boys treated me differently after that.”

“I bet.” Billy moved his hand to own chest and felt the emptiness inside.

“Would you like to know how it feels?”

“What do you mean?”

Tamsyn put her hands on top of Billy’s and began moving them in a circular pattern. Arcs of light shot through Billy’s hands and into his chest.

“That tickles.”

Tamsyn didn’t speak as she moved their hands faster. Round and round the circle they went as the area began to hurt.

“What are you doing?”

“Shhh..”

A sudden heft in his skin took Billy by surprise. “Is that…”

“Shhh...”

Billy felt himself grow excited and taking over and moved his hands on their own, each rotation filling the fabric a bit more.

“This is impossible.”

Tears of joy sprang from Billy’s lids when he saw he had cleavage. Two white bosoms strained the material underneath and the tingling grew as Billy hands began to caress himself.

Tamsyn smiled. “Are you about finished?”

“Aren't I allowed to touch them?"

“It’s your body.”

Billy reached inside the dress and found warmth where moments before lay an expanse of empty cloth. He pulled and he tugged but his hands weren't able to get inside. The two large flesh mounds made him a prisoner inside the dress.

Billy asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have a knife?”

Tamsyn held out her hand with a handle pointed out, “This knife?” The knife looked old and very sharp.

Billy grabbed it, cutting a line straight in the cloth until a cold sting of night’s air told he'd gone far enough.

Tamsyn said, “Let me help.”

She lifted the dress, pulling it off Billy’s shoulders, and let it fall to his waist. Billy shook himself causing the fleshy mass to wiggle and move like the girls at school. A touch on his nipple caused an immediate reaction, the mix of warmth and cold that shot a pleasant feeling throughout his entire body.

“I have breasts!”

“You do.”

“How is this possible?”

“I told you Billy. I can give you what you want. I have power beyond your understanding.”

Billy asked, “What kind of power?”

Tamsyn’s eyes grew intense and her voice burst into an arcane chant. “Uk-sal-mak!”

The church-steeple-turned-solarium resembled a lighthouse for a moment as the candles in the room began to glow. Eight windows surrounded the room and in each window sat eight jars. Sixty-four glass containers surrounded the pair, and all of them burned with a magical glow with the exception of one.

Billy fell back, “What was that?”

"Come on, Billy." Tamsyn imitated a witch’s cackle, “I’m sure you’ve heard the stories the children tell about me. They say I bake the meat of little children into my pies and grind their bones for my bread.”

“Are you saying…” Billy wanted to run but his feet wouldn’t move. Fear filled him to the core as Tamsyn bowed her head. A second later the light in the room returned to normal.

“Relax, Billy.” Tamsyn smiled as her eyes grew dark. “I’m only a witch.” She gave a wicked sort of laugh.

The blood chilled in Billy’s veins. “You’re only a what????”

“You know … a witch … a sorceress … an enchanter … a siren. My kind has gone by many names over the years.”

Billy pushed Tamsyn away. “Let me go.”

“You can go if you’d like.” Tamsyn pointed at the door. “I’m not holding you captive.”

Billy jumped to his feet, the bounce on his chest a reminder of the nakedness above his waist.

“Your friends are a testament to how I treat my guests. Can you name one mistreatment I’ve given since your arrival?” Tamsyn said.

Billy tried to keep from freaking out, but failed miserably. "I need to go. I'm sure Gunther is finished with my pants.”

“Of course.” Tamsyn nodded, “But aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Like what?”

She pointed at Billy’s chest. “Won’t your friends have a lot of questions if you stroll down the hill with those bouncing on every step?”

Billy felt himself, the simple squeeze causing him to blush. “Undo the spell.”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“I insist you reverse it.” Billy insisted.

“I can’t.”

“You tricked me.”

“Me? Trick you?” Tamsyn’s mouth formed into a cute little pout. “A minute ago you were singing my praises for giving you breasts. Now you’re calling me a trickster. Which is it, Billy?”

“Screw you.”

Tamsyn sighed, “Today's youth are so ill mannered.” She shook her head. “The truth is the spell I cast ends at the last stroke of midnight. At that point your body will return to its former state.”

“My former state?” Billy touched his chest. “You mean these aren’t permanent?”

Tamsyn laughed. “You need to make up your mind, Billy. Are you mad because I gave you breasts or mad at me because you don’t get to keep them? You're changing your mind so often it’s making my head spin.”

“I don’t…” Billy looked down. It didn't seem possible. “I don’t ... know.”

Tamsyn poured another cup of tea. “Have a seat on the couch. Let's talk a bit.” She handed Billy the cup. “Drink this. It will settle your nerves.”

Billy stared at the liquid inside and then looked at Tamsyn.

“For god’s sake Billy, drink it. If my intent was to poison you, I could have done so many times tonight.”

Billy sniffed at the brownish-orange liquid. “It smells gross.”

Tamsyn nodded. “It's not great. Bitterroot tea is an acquired taste.”

Billy took one sip and then another. He continued taking sips until the cup was empty.

Tamsyn asked, “Do you feel better?”

“Not really.”

Tamsyn looked to the sky. “We have some time before you return to normal. Can we talk like two adults? I’m sure you have questions.”

Billy nodded.

Chapter 18

November, 1921

Tamsyn gathered every blanket on her bed but found herself shivering.

Gunther growled from the other side of the room. “I’ve searched many years to find someone worthy enough to be my mate. You should feel honored we are bound.”

Tamsyn shook her head. “Your mate? I can’t be your mate. I’m married.”

Gunther laughed, “The bond between us is not about love or marriage. Those without a soul do not need love but I do need a partner.”

Tamsyn said, “I’ll never work with you.”

“Yes, Tamsyn, you will. But for now, the only thing I need from you is to get out of bed.” Gunther’s face appeared almost kind in the unlit room, as his lips curled into an evil smile. “Trust me, it’s for your own good.” When Tamsyn didn’t move, Gunther’s smile turned wicked. “I said get out of bed, Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn sat up against her will. “I don’t trust you.”

Gunther said, “I’d rather not force you to obey me. It’s easier for both of us if we work together.”

“I’ll never work for you…”

Gunther opened the closet door, “You need to get dressed. They’ll be calling soon.”

Tamsyn tried to stand but collapsed on the floor, not able to stop her shaking. “Leave me alone.”

“Of course, ma’am.” Gunther said, mocking her in a steward’s voice. He lifted Tamsyn to her feet using one arm. “I’ve run you a bath and picked out an outfit. It won’t be long until they find Mrs. McClary. You need to be ready.”

“Oh god.” Tamsyn had forgotten about her mother-in-law. “Is she?”

“I’m a man of my word. A life for a life.” Tamsyn ran from the room holding the outfit Gunther had offered.

‘This is a bad dream. It’s a bad dream. It has to be a bad dream.’

The water from the bathtub thawed her limbs, allowing Tamsyn to feel almost normal for a moment. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, falling into a deep sleep…

She had now idea how long she laid there when Gunther’s voice filled her mind. “Get out of the bathtub. You need to leave this house now or I promise, you will regret it.”

Tamsyn jumped from the tub on Gunther’s command, and began to dry off.

The cold got worse the further Tamsyn drove. A half dozen police cars were at the McClary house when she arrived. Hazel stood in the driveway, the tears in her eyes plain as Tamsyn applied the brake.

Hazel asked, “Have you heard the news?”

Tamsyn shook her head, repeating her mantra. hoping against hope. It’s a bad dream. It’s a bad dream. It’s a bad dream.

Hazel lowered her voice. “They found Mrs. McClary’s car at the bottom of Gasper Valley.”

Tamsyn tried to look surprised but the words hit like a death sentence. “Is she ok?”

Hazel's said everything. “The mister went to the crash site but the cops wouldn’t let him see the body. He’s been locked in his study for the last half-hour, and won’t come out. The police are worried. He’s got a gun in there.”

“Shit.” Tamsyn ran into the house to finding a half dozen cops on the staircase outside Mr. McClary’s study.

The captain spoke. “Hello Miss Tamsyn. He’s refusing all visitors.”

“He’ll open the door for me.”

Tamsyn’s chill disappeared as she stared at the cops. All of them looked fit. All of them looked virile. They all stared back, as the hunger built.

Tamsyn ran past them, and past the captain, pounding her hand on the study door. “Dad, open up. I’m worried about you.”

She got no response. Tamsyn knocked again, “Dad? It’s Tamsyn. It’s your daughter.”

A second later the solenoid in the door sounded and Tamsyn opened the door.

She felt the police rush forward behind her. They were about to enter as Tamsyn shouted. “No!”

Every man stopped at where he stood.

The captain was the only one to speak, “Yes, Miss Tamsyn?”

“I need to talk to him. Alone.”

“Are you sure?”

Tamsyn nodded. “Yes.”

A bouquet of two-dozen long stemmed roses lay on the desk. Behind them sat the image of a broken man.

“She called me.” Mr. McClary said, with tears in his eyes, “She invited me to dinner. We were going to meet at our favorite restaurant. She sounded so happy.”

They both knew why Mrs. McClary was happy. She finally broke up her son’s marriage. Or so she’d thought. “I’m sure she was happy.”

“They’re saying it was faulty brakes but that doesn’t make sense. The driver had them checked last month.”

“The driver was in the car?”

"Of course." Mr. McClary nodded. “He didn’t make it either.”

Tamsyn closed her eyes. Gunther had lied. She'd gotten a bargain … two lives for one. “I’m so sorry.”

"I know." Mr. McClary stood and stared at Tamsyn, the intensity of his gaze growing. “I’m glad you came.”

“Me too.” Tamsyn said, walking around the desk to give her Dad a hug.

She longed to be touched. The two met in a tight embrace, soon the heat from Mr. McClary’s body began flowing through the fabric of his shirt.

They shared a platonic embrace at first, turning more passionate as Tamsyn grew hotter. Mr. McClary’s hands pulled on her chest, and the sound of ripping fabric soon followed.

“I’ve wanted you for so long. With my wife gone, we can…”

A gnawing hunger tore at Tamsyn's innards. “What about your son?”

“I think we both know I can give you things my son never could.” Mr. McClary loosened his belt and unzipped his pants. The pair stumbled across the room, each kiss growing more frantic.

Tamsyn clung to the man who’d taught her so much. She’d noticed his stares over the years but paid them little mind. Every guy in the office stared at her. Mr. McClary did it the least. They'd maintained a professional relationship despite the innocent flirting. All thoughts of innocent disappeared as Tamsyn fell on the couch, and Mr. McClary climbed on top. A river of energy flowed from top to bottom.

It didn't take long for the ripples of pleasure to start. The changes to Tamsyn's body started soon after.

Mr. McClary tried to pull away. “What’s happening to you?"

The place which once contained Tamysn’s soul took control with it’s need to be filled. Desire ripped through her body, and Mr. McClary soon found himself on the bottom, pinned to the couch under his former employee’s iron grip. "Please…Tamsyn … Noooo…"

Tamsyn tore through Mr. McClary's shirt with one clawed hand, her other doing the same to his pants. She smiled a toothy grin when her hand found the object of its search. “My ... my ... you ARE ready to go … boss.”

As Tamsyn moved into position, she saw Mr. McClary had bowed his head. In a different mindset, Tamysn might have recognized the words of the Lord’s Prayer. In her current state, only thought remained.

Mr. McClary faced his attacker and steeled his reserves. He spoke a final plea. "My wife was right. You are a devil…" but Tamsyn wasn't listening. Soon the man’s eyes rolled back into his head and his words trailed off.

Some part of Tamsyn's brain screamed its objection, as the hunger took over. Surges of energy caused wings to sprouted from her back and a long tail which whipped from side to side.

Tamsyn’s claws pulled the man close, her wings wrapping them both in a cocoon of leathery flesh. Images of Mr. McClary’s life flashed before Tamsyn’s eyes -- his hopes, his dreams, and his disappointments. She’d felt herself drawn to him for years and now she had no doubt. He’d loved her too.

Tamsyn opened her eyes.

“You’ve done well.” She saw Gunther standing on the other side of the room.

“What happened?”

“You were sleeping when I got here.” He pointed towards the desk. Mr. McClary sat in his chair, his gray pall stating the obvious. On the desk lay the man's service revolver. “I found him laying next to you.”

Terror filled Tamsyn as she stared at her father-in-law's corpse. “I didn’t mean to do it…”

Gunther said, “Of course, my pet. You should go home and get some rest.”

Tamsyn stood, the remnants of her clothing hanging in tatters off her body but she felt no cold. She touched her belly and found the source of the warmth inside. Flashes of Mr. McClary’s life played out in her mind.

Gunther said, “I’ll clean up here.”

Tamsyn ran from the room in terror, stopping as soon as she reached the exit. A dozen cops lay on the stairs where they fell, and a feeling of horror grew in Tamsyn’s gut.

“Don't worry, they’re sleeping. Killing them would lead to too many questions.” Gunther spoke in the dispassionate voice of a person who didn't care either way. “They won’t remember your visit.”

Tamsyn carefully stepped over each police officer as she made her way down the steps. At the house's entrance, she found Hazel in the same state as the cops. She ran to her car when she heard the gunshot.

Mr. McClary’s final memories screamed in Tamsyn’s head as she started her car.

“I’ve wanted you for so long…”
“I can give you things my son never could.”
“What’s happening to you, Tamsyn?"
"Please…Tamsyn … Noooo…"
“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…”
“You are a devil…”

A devil. She never thought a thing possible but the memories of sharp claws, leather wings, and a pointy tail were seared into her brain.
Tamsyn shouted at the sky as she sped into the night. “I’m a fucking demon.”

From a young age, everyone seemed to know she was no good. As the daughter of a whore and a nameless father, did she ever have a chance?

Her car approached seventy miles per hour as it sped up the hill and around the tight corners. Tamsyn had never dared to drive the car this fast but the world moved different for her now. Only when Tamsyn reached the house did she realize she hadn’t turned on the lights.

Chapter 20

Tamsyn stared at Billy, “I need to show you something and I don’t want you to freak out.”

Billy replied, “Do I have a choice?”

Tamsyn didn’t respond as she moved her hands over her belly. Her stomach glowed, getting brighter with every moment until a tiny pinprick of a wisp flew into the air. Tamsyn snatched it with both hands, holding it close to her breast like a mother might a child.

“Do you recognize this?”

Billy said, “It's some kind of witch's magic, I guess.”

“It’s your essence, Billy. More specifically, it’s your virginal essence.” Tamsyn held the light in her hand as she walked across the room to the remaining empty jar. Seconds later, Billy watched as his essence flew into the waiting container.

“That’s my virginity?”

Tamsyn pointed around the room. “This room is filled with the essence of virgins. She pointed to a jar on the wall, “That’s your friend Symon.”

She pointed to another. “That one is Quinton’s. The essences tell me everything I want to know about a person. They tell me their darkest dreams and all of their hidden secrets.”

“What does mine say?”

Tamsyn smiled. “What do you think it says?”

Billy stood, looking at the lights surrounding the room. "These are from the guys who come to this place? You take this from them?"

"I think it is safe to say these were freely given. After all, it isn't easy to get to my house."

Billy walked the perimeter until he came to the one Tamsyn had placed. ”This is mine?”

Tamsyn nodded.

Billy stared at his jar, watching the light flicker and dance. It surprised him the flame didn’t look different than the others. If Tamsyn was telling the truth, she’d known about his gender for hours.

Tamsyn whispered in Billy’s ear, her mouth so close it tickled. "I can help you become a woman. I can make those things on your chest permanent. I can do everything you’ve always wanted and more. But I need you to trust me."

Billy's heart raced still feeling Tamsyn’s warm breath. He couldn't deny the sudden warmth in his loins. This wasn't what he'd expected. He’d come to this place hoping Tamsyn might make him a man. Instead, she was offering to do the opposite. It was on offer he couldn't refuse.

“What do I need to do?”

“Tamsyn offered a champagne glass. “You’ll need this.”

“I don’t drink.”

“Take the glass, Billy.”

Billy accepted the glass and held it in front of his body. “Now what?”

Tamsyn leaned forward and pinched Billy’s nipple.

“Ouch. What was that for?”

“Look at your nipple.” A small drop of semi-transparent liquid dripped from Billy’s breast.

“What the hell? When did these things start producing milk?”

“You do understand why women have breasts, don't you?” Tamsyn said.

“I this this only happened to pregnant girls…”

“That’s normally true.” Tamsyn smiled. “The tea you drank earlier was a combination of herbs our ancestors used to help with lactation.”
A drop fell from Billy’s nipple and ran down his belly. “What the hell, Tamsyn?”

“I don’t need much milk for the spell but those things look like they’re about to explode. You should empty them or they’re going to hurt like hell.”

Billy shook his head, “You want me to milk myself?”

“Would you prefer I do it?”

“No.”

Billy watched as the liquid continued to dribble. A slight squeeze shot a thin line of white liquid into the bottom of the glass. “Wow.” Several squeezes filled a third of the glass.

A few of the girls at school had gotten pregnant over the last year. All of them tried to be discreet when it came time to pump but some guys never missed an opportunity to tease. Everyone knew it shouldn’t be a big deal - women with babies had been lactating since the beginning of time. Billy watched as his hand squeezed over and over. It was one thing to feel the weight on his chest … this was something else. Billy looked down, thinking of a babe, small and innocent, looking up.

“I need another glass.”

Tamsyn pointed at a nearby cabinet, “There’s more above the bar.”

Billy walked across the room, doing his best not to spill while holding his leaking boob steady. “This is so embarrassing.”

Tamsyn grinned. “Wait until you get your first period.”

“Ohhh…. gross. Are you trying to talk me out of this?” Billy looked out over the forest, praying his friends weren’t using the binoculars.

Chapter 21

March 1922

Tamsyn’s eyes glowed red as she guided herself through the open window. A towering figure emerged from the shadows, his crimson skin radiant in the flickering firelight. Two long, curved horns protruded from the creature’s head, casting an eerie shadow over the whole room.

“You’re late.”

Tamsyn tried to run the first time she’d seen Gunther in demon form. Now the sight put her into an uncontrollable frenzy.

The demon’s sharp fangs gleamed in the flickering light, and his claws, razor-sharp talons, tapped together in an unsettling rhythm. A barbed tail lashed back and forth, leaving trails of sparks in its wake and the air crackled with an otherworldly energy as Gunther’s true form cast a palpable chill over the room.

Tamsyn lay obedient on the floor. “Come and get it.”

She knew Gunther wasn’t interested in small talk in this form or any other. He’d long become detached from the world, only interested in what others could do for him.

Gunther sniffed at her belly. “Why do you lay with such pathetic creatures and their weak seed?”

“It’s the best I can get.”

“We both know that’s a lie. You can bed any man who catches your notice.” Gunther towered over her in demon form, standing at least seven feet tall, eight if you included the horns. His dick, bigger than any man she’d ever met in human form, became an obscene twenty inches and twice as thick when turned to demon.

She screamed the first time she saw it, thinking he might break her in half. The truth was their bodies were perfectly matched for one another.
Her body was made to receive seed and his to corrupt it.

Gunther’s dick plunged deep again and again. The physics of the act didn’t make sense considering her demonic form had a twenty inch waist, but the science was the last thing on her mind.

Infernal screams echoed into the night but everyone in the house knew better than to cross Gunther. As soon as he got what he came for, Gunther disappeared from the room, leaving Tamsyn alone in the darkness.

She crossed the room in a single bound and landed on her favorite perch of her room’s window sill. The first night she come home she’d jumped from this very spot, with Mr. McClary’s seed still warm in her belly. She didn’t know her wings would sprout from her back without bidding, saving her from a nasty fall.

Again she stood in the window sill, now ready for another plunge into the darkness. She’d lost count of how many times she’d stood here. All she knew was her master had an insatiable appetite.

Across the room, the mirror showed a mesmerizing figure. Her skin was as smooth as alabaster, shimmering with an ethereal glow. Her lifeless eyes looked like two orbs of obsidian floating in a pool of blood, while her wild raven black hair cascaded down both shoulders.

She’d encountered many men in this visage, and despite the horror, none could resist her unholy appearance. At a thought, a pair of wings sprouted from her back as did the long, sinewy tail with a mind of its own. A permanent snarl remained on her face, and if ever given the cause to smile, the unfortunate observer would see a row of razor-sharp fangs, testifying to her true nature.

Tamsyn dove into the darkness, safe in the knowledge her base instinct would take over. She didn’t learn how to fly, she just knew. The town came into sight at once, and she climbed high into the heavens to get a better look. Pin-pricks of light showed from windows, mostly on the rich side of town. She flew over the church and smiled at the thought of dropping in on Preacher Stevens to give him a scare.

They'd all been right about her. Preacher Stevens. Mrs. McClary. The girls at school. She was always destined for hellfire and a lifetime of sin.
Her car came into sight quicker than she expected, and she fell from the sky, her feet hitting the ground without making a sound. Supernatural vision spied the perimeter to see if anyone waited for her return. She saw nothing. Tamsyn picked the abandoned old mine shaft with care. The closest person was at least ten miles away. She’d sleep in the mine until the hunger wore off.

A basket of food lay waiting in the trunk of her car so she could replenish her energy in the normal fashion after she woke. At present, Tamsyn only thought of sleep as her wings wrapped around her body to keep out the cold. Tears filled her face until slumber finally took her.

Chapter 22

Billy rubbed his chest. Tamsyn said the milking would relieve the pain but they still hurt.

“So you’re saying when I leave this house, the whole world will think I’ve always been a girl?”

“Yes.”

“How will that work?”

“I’m going to cast a magic spell … poof. When you leave the house, everyone’s memory will be of a girl. It’s not difficult to understand.”

Tamsyn measured some reagents then added them to a cauldron. They reacted with the reagents inside causing a puff of smoke to rise.

Billy asked, “What about school? Does the spell change the computer system? Then there’s my driver’s license. And what about hospital records? My birth certificate? And social security cards?”

“All being handled.”

“That’s convenient.”

Tamsyn shook her head in exasperation. “It’s all a day's work in the life of a witch.”

Billy continued to massage his breasts. “Is it close to midnight?”

Tamsyn stirred the pot. “Worried about your new friends disappearing?”

“Maybe.” Bill shrugged.

“Good. Because I’m ready to start.” Tamsyn said, “All I need is your right hand.”

“My right hand?” Billy held it out and watched as Tamsyn flashed a blade across Billy’s palm. “What the fuck?” Bright crimson flowed from Billy’s hand.

“Blood is needed for the spell and I need more.” Tamsyn said, “Hold out your other hand.”

Billy shook his head. “No way.”

“Do you want to keep your tits?”

Billy held out his hand but couldn't watch. He felt the blade cut through him when Tamsyn’s knife flashed again. “Dammit. That hurts.”

“Don’t be a baby.” Tamsyn turned the knife around, offering it to Billy. “Now it's your turn to do me.”

Billy asked, “You want me to cut you?”

“Yes.” Tamsyn nodded, “Do what I did… a quick slash across each palm. The knife is very sharp so let the blade do the work.”

Billy used the blade on Tamsyn’s right hand. The knife cut deep. “Ooops. That’s might need stitches.”

“It’s fine.” Tamsyn held out her hand, the blood not as bad as Billy feared. “Do my other hand, we don’t have much time. Two minutes to
midnight.”

“We have to cast it at midnight?”

"The spell is strongest if cast at the stroke of midnight during a Hunter's Moon."

Billy did better with the knife for his second attempt.

“Good. Now lay back Billy and I’ll do the rest.”

Tamsyn closed her eyes. “Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

Billy asked, “What did that mean?”

Tamsy ignored him, repeating the chant over and over.

“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

As Tamsyn chanted, the jars grew brighter, until essence within flew from their glass cages.

Billy asked “Was that supposed to happen?

“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

The essence began to move in a circle around the room as Tamsyn positioned her body over Billy, grasping his hands while continuing her chant. A second voice spoke.

“Why are you hesitating, Billy? Everyone at school knows you’re a girl. Your parents know. You grandparents know. You friends know. And deep down … you know it too.”

Pinpoints of light surrounded them both, the lights so bright making it hard to see. Faster and faster, brighter and brighter.

“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

“Become the girl of your dreams, Billy.”

Billy grabbed at his chest and he screamed as something pressed down hard. He tried to take another breath but each felt shallow.

“What’s happening?” Billy gasped, his voice creeping higher.

“Dreams come true. You are turning, Billy. Embrace your destiny."

A fire burnt within Billy, as unseen hands began exploring his new self. Long dreamed curves formed around his hips and ass. Muscle shrunk. Bone disappeared.

“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

Something cupped Billy's breasts, molding and caressing them while a sensation of spreading womanhood started between his legs then crawled up his spine.

“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”
“Aninu sullu a getsu ne qarhu ca sekura, pasaru de usku, ebetua ne ildu…”

Billy felt Tamsyn kiss him, her lips fierce as she straddled him.

“Tell me you want to be a girl.”

Billy arched his back, the crease between his legs longing to be touched, “I want to be a girl.”

“You’ve always wanted to be a girl. You’ve dreamt of it since you were a child.”

Billy nodded, “I’ve dreamt of it since I was a child.”

“You want this change to be permanent.”

Something big and hard slid across Billy’s slit. “Oh god, yes.”

“We need to work together.”

The tip pressed forward but stopped short. “Please, yes.”

“Promise you’ll serve me. And listen to all I say.”

“Oh god… oh god… yes.”

The voice asked, “At the cost of your very soul?”

A large phallus entered, pressing deep into Billy’s core. “Yes … yes … yes… for god’s sake … yes.”

Billy cried out, as if awakened from a bad dream. Intense sensations pulsed from his core. A look at the sky showed the moon shining down but something felt off. Sixty-four jars surrounded the room. Where each had recently held the wisp of a flame, all sat empty. He was cold. So cold.

Nothing seemed real. Tamsyn had shown him her powers but he never believed she could do this. Billy reached with a hand, his long nails touching his face and then his chest. His hands slid down the curves of his naked body past his hips and towards the void below.

Everything had changed.

Unfamiliar limbs made it tough to stand. The walk to the bar took twice as long as it should. The reflection in the mirror showed a girl with long black hair, a thin waist, wide hips, and two massive breasts. Billy reached once more to touch the slit, and found nothing familiar, not even a nub.

Another look in the mirror showed he looked exactly like the girl in the black & white picture. He knew he should be freaking out.

Shivering hands poured a cup of hot tea. He added two sugars and a bit of milk before taking a drink but the liquid did little to warm him. A pack of Tamysn’s cigarettes and her ivory cigarette holder lay on the counter but the craving was too much.

Billy ran to the window, finding his body’s movement easier with every step. Something called to him outside, something that could sate his hunger. A look through the night’s sky showed every house in town. He could see them clearly though most of the town’s lights had been turned off. Tiny dots of warmth called from the town but it was the nearby campfire that had what he needed.

Four boys sat in a circle telling their stories. They’d been there for hours, waiting for him.

He could feel their presence, each body calling to him but one called the loudest. Billy had been best friends with Tyler since elementary school but never had the guts to tell him his true feelings.

He unleashed a decade of longing in a single burst. The entire group looked up at the window, all seeing their changed friend standing naked before them. Billy didn’t feel an ounce of shame.

He called again. “I need you, Tyler.”

Tyler began to move. “Yes, Tamsyn.”

Tyler’s voice sounded in Billy’s head as if the pair stood next to each other. “Oh fuck.”

Billy felt Tyler began to climb the hill.

“No … no … no …” Billy shouted at Tyler but his friend wouldn’t stop.

“I see you woke up.” A voice sounded from the doorway.

Billy turned to Tamsyn, who now stood in the door’s frame. “Tyler is coming.”

“I know. Don't you think it’d be best if you put some clothes on before he arrives.”

Billy’s hunger grew as Tyler climbed each step. "I think I might hurt him."

"You need to learn control."

“Control?” Billy asked, "How do I learn control?"

"I'm going to teach you."

It shouldn’t be a big deal. All Billy's friends have visited the widow's house and each seemed to come away better for the experience. Visiting her has been a rite of passage for boys in town for as long as anyone can remember.

Billy knows he should want this. The whispers about him have been growing and even his friends are starting to ask questions. Tonight is the night if he's going to end the rumors. Should it matter if it’s Halloween and there’s a full moon in the sky?

Chapter 23 - Eddie

October 13, 1918

The scent of fresh-baked baguettes mingled with the smell of blooming lavender filling the chateau. A look out the window, showed the same cobblestone streets where he’d recently strolled.wearing a long silk dress.

"Bonjour, Ed-die!" Marie’s thick accented voice called out. “You got ‘em.”

He’d taken a few sojourns into the wider world. Today’s visit was to the bakery. Eddie froze when he saw the American MPs out the window.

“Shit.”

A heavy knock landed on the door’s frame. Marie rushed to answer it.

“We’ve gotten a report there’s a deserter living in this house.”

“A deser-tare???” Marie replied. “We ‘ave no deser-tare.”

The leader pushed his way inside. “I’m sure you won’t mind us taking a look.”

Eddie hid in the closet but they found him.

“Merci...” Eddie's mind went blank. "I... I'm sorry, my English isn't very good.”

One of the younger men wore a disgusted look. Your French is worse.”

Eddie nodded. He didn’t want to get the girls in trouble. “I'll go peacefully."

The leader grinned. “Of course. Ma’dam.” The other men stared at each other, the smiles clear on their faces.

October 17, 1918

The hours passed in a haze. When the door to his room finally creaked open again, Eddie looked up to see a stern-faced doctor flanked by two orderlies.

"I'm Dr. Hargrove. I’m here to help you, son."

One of the orderlies approached with a syringe. Eddie's eyes widened. "No, please. Not another." he begged. "I don't need—"

But his protests were cut short as the needle pierced his skin. Almost immediately, the world began to blur at the edges. Eddie felt himself being lifted onto a stretcher, the ceiling spinning above him.

"There, there," Dr. Hargrove's voice came from somewhere far away. "You'll feel better soon. We'll make you right again."

Eddie's thoughts scattered like leaves in the wind as he tried to hold onto memories of the chateau.

October 21, 1918

White sterile walls drifted in and out of focus

A nurse approached, syringe in hand. "Time for your medication."

“Please, no.” Eddie mustered all his strength to shake his head. "I don't want it."

The nurse's expression softened. "It's for your own good, dear. Doctor's orders."

The days drifted in and out in a dreamlike haze. The nights punctuated moments of terror.

October 25, 1918

"What in God's name have you done to him?" a familiar voice demanded.

Eddie didn’t move. He’d gotten used to the hallucinations.

The nurse shouted. "Sir, you can't go in there…"

Someone with a strong grip grabbed Eddie by the hand. "I'm here, son. I’m getting you out of this."

The words did little to bring Eddie relief. The combination of the war, his temporary respite, and the drugs had taken him to a faraway place.

October 28, 1918

“I want him out of here right now.”

“I can’t do that, sir.” The doctor stiffened. "This is a military matter. I'm afraid there’s a process we must follow. It doesn’t matter how much money you offer."

Eddie looked up from his bed to see his father and Dr. Hargrove standing in his room.

Mr. McClary shouted, "You will release my son this instant. Do you have any idea who I am? I know people who can have you demoted to stretcher bearer in a week.”

“I know who you are and I’m telling you it doesn’t matter..” Dr. Hargrove shouted back. The man adjusted his coat and lowered his tone. “If your son were anyone else, he’d be handcuffed and sitting in a brig. I promise your son is getting the best care the army has to offer.

McClary looked at Eddie. Eddie looked back. Tears filled both of their eyes.

“Your presence is upsetting your son. “Let’s go to the next room. I’m sure we can come to an arrangement that works for us both.”

Eddie watched through blurry eyes as his father took a last look then walked out of the room. The minutes crawled by like hours, the hours like days.

October 30, 1918

Eddie's father strode in, followed by a grim-faced man.

His father turned. “Can you give us a moment, alone?”

“Of course, sir.”

Eddie tried to get up but his body wouldn’t move. He saw his Dad staring, crying unashamed tears until Mr. McClary cleared his throat. “The man who came into the room with me is Colonel Stevens. You were reassigned to his unit with an effective date of October 1st, 1918. ”

“October 1st?” The memories fluttered in Eddie’s mind. He tried to do the math but his brain wouldn’t work. “What’s today’s date?”

“October 30th.”

Eddie nodded. “Tomorrow is Halloween.”

Mr. McClary said, “They say the fighting should stop soon. I’m hearing rumors of peace negotiations. Either way, you’ll be far from the fighting. I’ve hired specialists to make sure you get the best care until your unit is mustered out.”

“Halloween was Adam’s favorite holiday.”

“Yeah?”

Eddie found he was able to sit up. “Did they tell you where the MPs found me?”

Mr. McClary didn’t respond.

“I wish I died with the others.”

“Don’t say that, Eddie.”

Eddie said, “You’ve always known I’m not you, Dad. I’ll never be you. I’m a freak.”

Mr. McClary put his hand on Eddie’s forehead, “You’re my son and I love you. I must say you’ve made quite a catch with that wife of yours. I’ve been quite impressed with Tamysn. Given another year, I bet she’d be able to run the business better than me. Can’t let her know that, of course.” Mr. McClary chuckled.

Eddie felt for his breast pocket. “Where’s my picture tin?”

Mr. McClary shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“I need it. And my letters too.”

“I’ll ask the doctor.”

Eddie nodded. “Thanks.”

June, 1920

The rat-tat-tat of gunfire jolted Eddie from slumber, waking to find himself drenched in sweat. For a moment, he thought he was in France. The soft sheets and warm bed told otherwise.

The realization did little to stop the horror playing out in his brain. Memories of the last scene replayed again and again. "No, no, no," he gasped, as his eyes darted wildly around the darkened bedroom. Familiar shapes allowed him to focus but his beating heart refused to slow.

Every night was a thousand forgotten memories finding their way back into his mind. Tonight’s revelation was a simple patrol. An artillery barrage forced them to find cover when they jumped into a shell crater occupied by an enemy soldier. Everyone shot the German soldier only to find him staring with lifeless eyes. Daniel took the pictures of the man’s girlfriend. Eddie took the Hun’s pouch and found a biscuit inside. A single bite told the thing half full of sawdust.

“Are you okay? Eddie saw Tamsyn standing in the doorway, her eyes full of concern. Eddie pressed his hands against his own eyes, trying to force the memories to fade.

Eddie nodded as he spoke under his breath. "It's not real … it’s not real … it’s not real.”

Tamsyn lit a cigarette and passed Eddie the pack. “Do you want me to make coffee?”

It was taking longer to get back to sleep.

Eddie swung his legs over the side of the bed, his toes pressing down on the cold hardwood floor. He brushed his fingers against the rough scar along his hairline, a gift from an unseen German who granted him relief from the front lines for a week.

"Not tonight," he growled, pushing himself to his feet.

Eddie made his way to the bathroom, barely recognizing the face staring back. Dark circles shadowed his eyes, a stark contrast to the color of his skin. He splashed water on his face in hopes it might help.

As Eddie patted his face dry with a towel, he caught sight of the bottle of Luminal sitting on the edge of the sink. His therapist said they’d bring relief. All they did was put him in a stupor that lasted most of the next day.

Eddie pushed the temptation of temporary relief from his mind, ensuring another long night.

Tamsyn asked, “Do you want me to join you in bed?”

Eddie shook his head. “I’ve told you. I’m worried I might hurt you.”

Tamsyn nodded, the disappointment clear on her face.

Eddie sank onto the bed, a place where sleep had become a luxury. When the coast was clear he pulled an item from the depths under the blankets. The silk scarf still smelled of his wife as he wrapped it around his neck.

September 1920

The clatter of pots and pans echoed as Eddie made his way downstairs. The contractors had made good progress with the house, each day it looked more like a home.

As he entered the kitchen, Eddie was met by the smell of coffee and bacon.

"Morning, sunshine," Tamsyn said, her voice sounding forced. "You're up early."

"Couldn't sleep," Eddie replied, grabbing a cup. “Where’s the cook?”

“The chef has the day off. I’m cooking today.”

Eddie looked at his wife. He knew he didn’t deserve her. “What’s the special occasion?”

Tamsyn shrugged, a slight smile forming on her lips. "Does there need to be one?"

Eddie chuckled, the sound hollow even to his own ears. "I suppose not."

As he reached for a mug, Eddie caught his reflection in the window, then turned away from the sight.

May 1921

The floorboard creaked when Eddie heard Tamsyn approach. She opened the door to find Eddie in the middle of her closet, draped in one of her favorite silk dresses.

"I can…" Eddie's voice cracked, his face flushing crimson. "...I can explain."

Tamsyn's hand flew to her mouth, “What are you doing?"

Eddie ran, not stopping until he found the refuge in his bedroom.

Her soft knock came to Eddie's door a minute later.

“Eddie?” The door creaked open.

Eddie sat up in bed, as a cascade of sobs wracked his body. “I wish you’d hadn’t seen that.”

“I’m glad I did. It explains so much. I was starting to think it was my fault.”

Eddie looked up. “What do you mean?”

"I love you Eddie." Tamsyn shut the door and sat beside her husband. “I loved you the minute I saw you but you never want to touch me and we've never had sex. Meanwhile, some of my girl friends have three kids.”

“I know.”

“Do you find me attractive?”

“You’re the most beautiful girl in the county.”

Tamsyn asked, “Then why won’t you…”

Eddie interrupted, “I loved Adam ... in a different way than I love you.”

“Oh. I think I understand.”

Tamsyn pulled on Eddie's dress. “Is that why you wear this?”

Eddie shook his head. “I started wearing dresses long before I met Adam.” Eddie's shoulders slumped, "I've always felt... different." he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’m more myself in clothes like this."

Tamsyn nodded. She put a hand on Eddie’s arm. "You've been carrying this burden your whole life?"

Eddie nodded, tears welling in his eyes. "I never meant to hurt you, Tamsyn. I understand if you want to leave…"

"No," Tamsyn interrupted, her voice firm but gentle. "Don't apologize. Not for this." She cupped his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her gaze. "I love you, Eddie. All of you. Even the parts you've been afraid to share with me."

Eddie found it hard to breathe.. "You're not... disgusted by me?"

Tamsyn shook her head, a small smile tugging at her lips. "How could I be disgusted by the man I love?" She ran her fingers through Eddie’s long hair. "Would you like to … dress up with me?"

Eddie looked at Tamsyn, clutching the fabric of the dress. "You'd do that?"

"More than okay," Tamsyn assured him. "I want to know all of you, Eddie. Or... should I call you something else when you’re dressed like this?"

A look of wonder crossed Eddie's face. "The girls in France called me Edelle," Eddie nodded.

Tamsyn's smile widened. "Then Edelle it is."

June 1921

“You think this hocus pocus will work?”

Tamsyn said, “It can’t hurt, can it?”

Eddie stood before the mirror, adjusting his wig and smoothing down his dress. His hands trembled slightly as he applied a final touch of lipstick.

"You look breathtaking, dear," Tamsyn said, appearing behind him in the reflection. She squeezed his shoulders reassuringly. "Are you ready?"

Eddie took a deep breath, steeling himself. "As ready as I'll ever be," he replied, his voice quivering.

Tamsyn pulled a small notebook from out of her dress. Then raised a hand in front of her body. Her words started the incantation slow and kept at a deliberate pace.

Under veil of illusion, dark and deep
and the mask of Venus, whose secrets we keep.
To the person inside, wild and free.
Transform the body by moon’s decree,

Eddie looked at Tamsyn. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Did it work?”

“I don’t notice anything but maybe it doesn’t work on me since I cast the spell.”

Tamsyn looked outside, yelling down the hall. The large man appeared almost at once.

Gunther looked in the room, looking cross when he saw Eddie, “Where did you come from”

Tamsyn pointed at Eddie and back to Gunther, “Gunther, this is Edelle. She’s visiting from Nashville. Edelle, this is Gunther, my rude butler.”

“My apologies, Miss Edelle.” Gunther gave a broad bow. “No one informed me the missus had a guest.”

Eddie felt a profound sense of peace as the large butler stared at him. For the first time in his life, Eddie felt seen.

January 1922

The solarium's walls gleamed in the moonlight, his sanctuary turned to prison. Eddie’s fingers absently traced the photograph of a simpler time. Memories of laughter and camaraderie mixed with the acrid smell explosions.

Sounds of his wife and Gunther’s carnal indulgences filled the house. They no longer bothered to hide their amorous encounters after his Mom died.

‘What would my father do?’

March 1922

The workers in the factory stopped as soon as Eddie stepped in the building. For the past five months he’d repeated the same routine, driving to work, climbing the stairs, and shutting the door behind him. The familiar scent of his father’s cigar clung to every surface of the office.

Mrs. Hawkins poked her head in the door. "The foreman needs to speak with you about the new production line."

“Of course.” Eddie took a deep breath. “Give me two minutes then send him in.”

Eddie caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. The man in the suit looked like a stranger. He looked to the heavens looking for guidance. “Is this what you wanted for me, Dad?"

Memories of the ghosts haunted every step.

Chapter 24

Gunther had never been much of a conversationalist. His vocabulary consisted mostly of ‘yes ma’am’ and 'no ma’am before the change. Despite their ‘bound’, after the change the man said even less, not that there was much to say. Tamsyn’s body knew what he wanted.

Their routine settled like a stale marriage. She convinced him of keeping a pattern so she'd go out on Saturday nights then she and Gunther made the transfer as soon as she returned. After he’d gotten what he wanted, Gunther disappeared for a few days, returning on Wednesday or Thursday, to start badgering her for more.

Tamysn stared at the books piled high on the library’s desk, hoping for an answer. She’d read them cover to cover and the words, once gibberish, now reading like a 1st grade primer. An understanding that had come at the cost of her soul.

It was in these books where she learned the name of her affliction. Or more clearly, the affliction she’d brought upon herself. She found the description in a book called, Malleus Maleficarum, an ominous sounding Latin name which translated into English meant, ‘Hammer of Witches’.

A man wrote it in 15th century Europe hoping to rid the world of witchcraft. Ironically, Tamsyn found it a useful guide as a newly minted 20th century witch.

Witches are almost always female – the fairer sex are well known to be more easily corrupted, this truism going back to the days of Adam and Eve. Their ‘temperament toward flux’, ‘loose tongues’ and ‘lustfulness’ makes them an obvious target for Lucifer’s designs.

Despite the book’s inherent misogyny, Tamsyn couldn’t help but see the shades of herself in its description. A book called, ‘Powers of the Succuba’ helped even more.

The word ‘succuba’ comes from the Latin word -sub- meaning ‘under’ and -cubare- meaning ‘to lie’. Succubare - ‘to lie under’.

A succubus is a ‘manipulative demon’, and uses psychic abilities to seduce its prey. A succubus feeds on the semen of men, and can feed again and again, an act if continued will lead to the death of their prey.

The sections on succubi powers enlightened her as well:

The succubus has many powers including SuperSpeed, SuperStrength, and SuperStamina. Their Supernatural Beauty makes them irresistible to a man. The men who catch their gaze are entranced by desire. Skin to skin contact increases this desire a hundredfold, an act which will overcome the willpower of the most hardy of men and make them helpless pawns in the act of sexual intercourse. A succubus can instinctively shift their shape to match their target’s idea of beauty. They also have the ability to invade the dreams of men to seduce them.

Succubi use a power called the ‘Kiss of Death’ to steal life force from their victims to recharge their abilities and also to heal. Novice succubus often kill their victims using this spell as they learn the ways of their kind but this rarely happens with experienced succubi, as the goal of these demons is to incapacitate and copulate.

Each carnal encounter with a succubus increases the helpless binding of their victims. When encountering a succubus it is not uncommon to be forced to fight dozens of these hapless men before entering their lair.

Succubus can be hurt, but as they are demons, they cannot die through natural means. They are fast healers and sex will heal them completely. They are manipulative creatures, but most of their attacks focus on one target at a time. The exception is their siren song. Bind your ears tight before seeking one out as the sound of a succubus’ voice has been known to bewitch entire groups of men. Hunt them in groups and only with a priest who is proficient in exorcism. The primary target for your spears and crossbolts should be their wings. As these creatures are women, a gender without the necessary constitution for battle, a succubus always takes flight at the first sign of danger.. Once you pin their wings, a stake into their cold heart is the preferred method of killing. Decapitation works as well.

Tamsyn spent most of her days reading and re-reading the tomes. The part describing ‘Kiss of Death’ was a particularly difficult reminder.

Tamsyn rechecked her long leather gloves before entering the room. “How are you doing?”

Eddie sat in his usual reading spot on the couch in the Solarium.

Their conversations had become performative since the senior McClarys had fallen to ‘accidental deaths’. Eddie threw himself into his work during the day. The screams had returned at night.

“Good.”

Tamsyn wished she could touch him and consume his thoughts. It might help heal her husband’s grief. “I miss Edelle.”

Eddie nodded, “Me too.”

Edelle never strayed beyond the third floor of the house these days.

Tamsyn didn’t need her abilities to feel the sadness in Eddie’s eyes. They’d spent most of their marriage without touching the other, so it wasn’t a big change for Tamsyn to keep him at bay now. It was like their entire marriage was in preparation for her affliction.

Tamsyn stood by his side, “What are you reading?”

“Wuthering Heights.”

Tamsyn smiled. “We read it in school. Do you like it?”

Eddie nodded.

Tamsyn said, “I love the Bronte sisters.” She knew her words might sound empty, but it was true. She’d read the book dozens of times, “You don’t find it depressing?”

Eddie shrugged.

Tamsyn held up a pair of driving gloves, “The car is ready. Wanna go for a drive?”

Eddie shrugged. “Sure. Sounds fun.”

“Wanna drive?” Tamsyn held up the keys.

“OK.”

Tamsyn looked at Eddie, seeing a little of his old fire. “Really?”

Eddie nodded somberly, “I miss driving.”

Tamsyn stared at her husband. “I miss your driving too.”

The car descended the hill at slow speed, no unreasonable caution considering the recent tragedy which had befell their family. Tamsyn didn’t mind. She enjoyed the view as they slowly passed the library, the town hall, and the factory. She didn’t say a word when they drove past the school. She already guessed where Eddie was taking her.

Eddie asked, “Do you remember this place?”

“Of course.” Tamsyn nodded. Postwar houses lined the intersection, but the street looked the same. “This is the spot you asked me to be your girlfriend.”

Eddie’s face grew somber. “Do you regret it?”

Tamsyn laughed, “I have lots of regrets but marrying you is not one of them.”

“You keep saying that, but I find it hard to believe.”

Tamsyn pointed at the road, “Do you know how fast we’ve been driving?”

Eddie shrugged, “I don’t know. Twenty miles per hour?”

Tamsyn said, “Did you know racehorses can go double that speed?”

A smile crept on Eddie’s face. “So I’ve been told.” He fixed the goggles to his face, “Are you up for it?”

“You know I am.” Tamsyn affixed her goggles. “Does my hair look a mess?”

Eddie said, “You always look amazing Tamsyn.” Eddie shook his head and seemed lost for a moment.

Tamsyn sat, patiently waiting for her husband’s mind to return to the present.

Eddie asked, “Are you ready?”

“Whenever you are.”

Eddie screamed as the old Raceabout took a turn going sixty. The company that made these cars had gone out of business a few years earlier, but Tamsyn bought enough spare parts to keep it running. There were nicer cars on the road, but none had the same style.

Tamsyn smiled at her husband. It was nice to see color return to her husband’s face as they defied death together. Super strength bound her to the seat while the durability of her kind meant she’d survive the worst of crashes but Eddie didn’t know that.

Eddie stopped the car by the tree where they had their first date. “That was fun.”

“It was.” Tamsyn nodded. It was good to see her husband smile.

Eddie lifted the picnic basket from the back. “Do you remember the day I brought you to this place?”

Tamsyn said, “How could I forget? The girls at school seemed to think you’d taken my virginity when we returned to school.”

Eddie smiled. “They were bitches. A simple misunderstanding.”

“As I recall, you didn’t bother to correct the misunderstanding.”

“I should have…” Eddie said, his eyes turning down, “…those rumors staved off rumors … about me and Andy.”

“I forgive you.” Tamsyn smiled, “Did you know Jenny was the one who started those rumors? She didn’t tell me until last year.”

“Sounds like Jenny.” Eddie asked. “Do you talk to the old gang much anymore?”

“No.” Tamsyn shook her head. “So much has changed. High school feels like a lifetime ago.”

Eddie nodded but didn’t say a word.

Tamsyn spread out the blanket and opened the picnic basket to see the goodies inside. “Mmmm … We’ve got wine and cheese. Some salami and hard boiled eggs.” Tamsyn scrambled through the other items inside but didn’t see the thing she wanted. “Dammit. I was hoping for some pastries. Our new chef is supposed to be great with desserts.” She held up a piece of bread in a gloved hand for her husband to try.

Eddie took a piece and chewed, his eyes clearing from the hell where his mind had drifted.

“The new staff is good.” Eddie said, “I notice they’re all women, except Gunther. Did he do the hiring?”

“Yeah…” Tamsyn breathed deep. “There’s a lot of widows in town who need jobs.”

“You know he’s fucking them?”

Tamsyn gave a helpless look and shrugged. “I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

Eddie’s eyes looked lost for a moment before he sat on the blanket next to Tamsyn. “I’ve never thanked you for fixing up the house. You’ve done an amazing job.”

“You helped too.”

“We both know that’s not true.” Eddie looked at his wife. “Didn’t we promise to stop lying to each other?”

Tamsyn said, “I know. Our relationship … is complicated.”

“You think?” Eddie laughed so hard his eyes began to water.

“I miss Edelle.”

Eddie nodded. “Me too.”

“She could come downstairs. I’d love to have dinner with her. We could even take in a show in Nashville if you feel up to it.”

“I can’t … She can’t…” Eddie shook his head, “I’m running Dad’s company now.”

Tamsyn knew the answer before she asked. “Of course.”

Eddie’s face grew grim, “Do you love him?”

“Who?”

“Don’t play coy.” Eddie said, “You and Gunther aren’t exactly discrete.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Eddie smiled. “You’ve become quite a screamer.”

“I’m really sorry, Eddie.”

“It’s ok.” Eddie shook his head. “I don’t blame you.”

“I wish you would.”

Eddie shook his head. “I keep thinking about Dad. I wonder what he’d do if he were in my shoes.”

“You’re not your Dad, Eddie.”

“Don’t remind me.” Eddie’s face turned grim as he went to his dark place.

Tamsyn waited until her husband’s mind returned before speaking. “I’m a whore. Your mother was right.”

“Stop it.” Eddie shook his head. “I know you have needs. I wish I could fill them.” He sighed. “You could sleep with a half dozen men in a single night and I wouldn’t care as long as you came home to me.” He stared at Tamsyn with an intense stare on his face. “I need you. I know it doesn’t make sense.”

Tamsyn tried not to smile. She’d recently bedded ten men in a single night, and returned home wanting an eleventh.

“I’d be a fool to leave you, Tamsyn.” Eddie said, “I know you’ve been working behind my back to keep the plant running. It’s the only reason the business hasn’t fallen apart.” Eddie started to cry. “It’s you and I now. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.” Eddie reached out with his hand to touch her face.

Tamsyn slapped Eddie’s hand away in horror. “Please don’t touch me.”

“Of course.” Her husband’s eyes turned fierce. He stared at her for several seconds before turning away. “You’re right. I have no right to ask anything of you.”

“It’s not what you think.” She wasn’t sure if her powers would affect a man like Eddie, but the skin-to-skin contact wasn’t worth the risk.
Tamsyn said, “I made a breakthrough in my studies the other day.”

“I can’t believe how much time you spend reading those smelly old books.”

“I’m thinking of getting rid of Gunther.” Tamsyn said. She gave Eddie a dead-eyed stare.

“Are you sure?”

“If I don’t do it now, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to do it later.”

Eddie said, “I’ll fire him.”

Tamsyn shouted. “You can’t.” She tried to compose herself as the tears came to eyes. She hadn’t been able to cry in months. Every day she felt she lost a little more of herself. She knew the only thing keeping her tethered to the mortal plane lay on the blanket next to her. “Gunther is my responsibility. I brought him into our house. It’s my job to make him leave.”

“Okay.”

“I do need one thing from you.”

“Anything.”

“I need you to sleep with me.”

“I can’t.” She felt Eddie turning away. “My thing hasn’t worked since the war.”

“I only ask that you try.” Tamsyn reached out with her feelings and pressed a slight stirring to her husband’s loins.

A smile came to Eddie’s face. “I’ll try.”

“Not today. Not tomorrow. But soon. Come to my bed when I call.”

“I will.” Tamsyn saw Eddie’s hand on his crotch. “What are we going to do with the rest of today?”

“Today?” Tamsyn wiped away a tear as she leaned back on the blanket and stared up at the clouds. “Today, I’m going to spend today with the love of my life.”

“What are you reading?”

Tamsyn didn’t look up. “A book.”

“I know it’s a book. Duh.” Jenny looked over Tamsyn’s shoulder. “The writing looks like chicken scratching.”

Tamsyn said, “It’s Sanskrit. Ancient Sanskrit to be precise.”

Jenny laughed. “You read ancient Sanskrit?”

Tamsyn asked, “Are you going to talk all lunch?”

She’d asked Jenny to lunch to get some privacy. They met at an out-of-the-way diner where Tamsyn hoped no one would know them, though in a town this size it was unlikely. .

Jenny asked, “How’s Eddie?”

“Grrrrr…” Tamsyn looked exasperated, “Please Jenny. Fifteen minutes. That’s all I ask. Eat your lunch and afterward, I promise, we can gossip.”

Jenny shrugged her shoulders and took a bite of her salad, mumbling under her breath, “This is pretty good.”

Tamsyn ignored her, taking several concentrated minutes trying to decipher the words. She’d found interpreting the spellbook wasn’t just reading the words. You needed to see between them. Gunther was growing suspicious. He’d begun to forbid her entry to the library. The staff he’d hired, now watched her every move.

Each page in the book started as guesswork. Tamsyn began keeping a notebook with the hope she might find something useful in a week or two. She’d worked for months with little progress until she found this book.

“What are you writing?”

Tamsyn gave Jenny an angry stare. “Do you mind?”

Jenny looked at her plate. Tamsyn saw she’d finished her salad.

“Sorry.” A look at the wall clock showed it’d been twenty minutes since Jenny last spoke.

“It’s ok.” Jenny said, “You look so cute when you concentrate. Your nose crinkles up like a bunny.”

Tamsyn touched her face, “Does it really?”

Jenny smiled. “How’s Eddie?”

Tamsyn shook her head. “Sometimes good. Sometimes bad.”

Jenny said, “It’s gotta be tough losing both parents at the same time.”

“Yeah.” Tamsyn nodded. “The board of directors of the company has voted to do a mental evaluation. They’re trying to remove him as CEO.”

Jenny said, “Can they do that? Isn’t his name on the building?”

“It won’t matter if they have the votes. I wouldn’t take an investigation long to find out about what happened in the war, and then…” Tamsyn sighed. “… I can’t save Eddie if he loses control of his Dad’s company.”

“Shit.” Jenny looked disgusted. “I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?”
Tamsyn tried to smile. She wished she had more time. She took a deep breath. As much as it pained her, there was no other way. “Can you go to the church for me?”

Jenny laughed. “The church? Me?. Those people don’t exactly approve of my lifestyle.”

Tamsyn smiled. These days she broke out in a rash whenever she got within a block of the church. She’d probably burst into flames if she went inside. “I need to talk to Preacher Stevens. Do you think you could get him to join us at next week’s luncheon?”

Jenny nodded, “Probably. That man is always looking for a free lunch.”

Tamsyn held up her glass, “Tell him I’ll buy him the most expensive bottle of wine in the house.”

“Heh heh.” Jenny laughed, “I’ll remind him.”

Eddie sat on the floor, staring into darkness, oblivious to her entrance whether due to Tamsyn’s innate stealth ability or Eddie’s distracted mind. Edelle wore her favorite French import, and had painted her face to look like a French whore.

“Edelle?”

“Yeah?”

Tamsyn nodded, “Everyone missed you at work today.”

Her husband looked up with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

Eddie said, “I don’t know what came over me.”

Tamsyn wasn’t sure what to do, “It’s not your fault.” She felt Eddie jump when she placed a gloved hand on his shoulder.

“Yes, it is.”

Gunther had put the angry thoughts into Eddie’s mind. Every time she mated with her master, she knew he could sense her rebellion. The beatings by Eddie were the latest torment the demon inflicted upon her.

“I like your outfit.”

“I hate it.”

“It looks good on you.”

Tamsyn placed a gloved hand on Eddie’s shoulder. She’d gotten good at controlling men’s passions. With each touch came a knowledge of accompanying emotions and it made sense if Gunther could do the same. The demon knew this man was the source of her resistance. His latest ploy was an attempt to snuff it out.

Eddie pulled at the cloth. “These clothes … it’s silly thinking Edelle is a real person..”

“It’s not silly. Edelle is you.” She didn’t need powers to know this to be true. “I cried for years when you left for war leaving me to sleep in an unconsummated bed but everything made sense when I met Edelle. You never wanted to be with me. You want to be me.”

Eddie looked up, “I’m so sorry. I had no right.”

“It’s ok. I have a plan that’s going to make everything right.”

“A plan?”

“Come to my bedroom on Saturday night. I’d like it if you wore my wedding dress.”

Tamsyn saw a spark of hope in Eddie’s eyes. ”I’ll be there.”

Chapter 25

Billy stared at Tyler, who sat on Tamsyn’s bed with a dreamlike look on his face. “Do you remember me, Tyler?”

“Of course, I remember you.” Tyler gave a nervous laugh.

The laugh caused a surge of warth to course into Billy’s body all at once. He touched his boobs. He felt the growing desire in his loins. A look in the mirror showed a beautiful woman standing in the room next to his best friend.

Tyler asked, “I know we’re only supposed to visit once.”

“You didn’t come here to check on Billy?” Billy wasn’t sure if he should be mad.

Tyler nodded, a temporary fog lifting from his brain. “Where is Billy?”

A part of Billy wanted to run. A bigger part wanted to tear into Tyler and suck out the juices. He slid a hand down to find he was already slick with anticipation.

Billy asked, “Tell me about your friend.”

Tyler stared as if confused for a second. Tyler closed his eyes. “We’ve been best buds since third grade. We do everything together.”

“Do you find him weird?”

Tyler said, “He’s uhhh … quirky.”

“Quirky?” Billy felt his emotion stir. “What does that mean?”

“He’s different from most guys.” Tyler said.

“So he’s weird.”

Tyler stated, “Billy is my best friend. It’s been true since the moment we met.”

“What would you say if I told you your friend Billy is a girl on the inside?” A tear streamed down Billy’s face. It was the first time he’d said the words out loud.

“Billy? A girl?”

Billy stared in the mirror. Anyone looking at him right now would think of him as a girl. Tamsyn’s help consisted of handing him a spandex bodysuit.

He looked exactly like the Silver Fox in the initial run of her comic book, #42 - The Fox Rises. A classic issue. It was the one where readers learn her secret identity. Billy knew it was Tyler’s favorite.

“Is everything ok?”

Billy nodded, “Yeah.” He’d wanted this for so long but it felt wrong.

Tamsyn’s voice called out. ‘Go to him, Billy. You know you want him.’

Billy looked around. He could hear Tamsyn’s voice but couldn’t see her.

“How do you like my costume?”

Tyler’s eyes brightened. “I like it. The same as last time.”

“Issue #42 of the original Silver Fox run is a classic.”

Tyler stared in surprise. “You read comic books?”

Billy stammered, “Uhhh … yeah. I … uhh … I guess I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m sure I’ve read issue #42 more times than you.” Probably true and for a completely different reason.

“I doubt that is possible.”

“This was my first attempt at cosplay.” Billy turned, mimicking Silver Fox’s famous pose. “What do you think?”

“You’re a natural.”

A surge of energy from Tyler flowed into Billy causing him to fall to the floor.

“Are you ok?”

Tamsyn said, ‘Go to him Billy. The longer you fight it, the worse the result. You need to feed.’

Billy stood, feeling the animalistic snarl on his lips.

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

“Do I want to sleep with you?” An incredulous grin crept on Tyler’s lips.

Billy said, “I’m serious. I need to hear it.”

“Hell yes I want to sleep with you.”

Tyler pulled down his pants, revealing a generously sized cock. Billy had seen it many times in gym class but never in this state. Billy’s feet had a mind of their own, his lips on his friend before his mind had a chance to object. Billy took his friend’s full length into his mouth, his carnal lust an unstoppable force.

A voice rose from the woods. Four boys sat around a cooler. Someone stacked a dozen empty beer bottles in a pile. “Do you think he’ll do it?”

The cutest boy said, “He’ll do it.”
The boy with the glasses answered, “I’m not so sure.”
The biggest boy said, “I’m starting to think he’s a faggot.”
The cutest boy said, “He’s not a faggot.”
The biggest boy said, “We’ve all seen the way he looks at you.”
The cutest boy answered, “Fuck off.”
The biggest boy said, “I bet he’d suck your dick if you asked.”
The cutest boy answered, “He’s up with the widow, isn’t he? That should prove something.”
The skinniest boy said, “It doesn’t mean they are fucking. Maybe she’s giving him advice on how to give a blow job.”
The biggest boy said, “You would know.”
The skinny boy standing up. “What are you trying to say?”
The boy with the glasses jumped into between them, “Don’t fight.”
The biggest boy stepped back, the crisis avoided. “Anyone want a beer?”

Wake up Billy.

Billy opened his eyes. Tyler lay on the bed next to him. He had a big smile on his face.

“Did we?”

Tyler smiled. “... best blow job of my life.”

Billy bit his lip, tasting the remnants of cum and swallowing it with the rest.

That’s not enough. You have to fuck him Billy.

“Noooo…” Something felt off.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

‘You can’t fight it.’

Billy said, “Your friend Billy. He’s not gay.”

Tyler droned, “I know.”

“He’s not straight either.”

Tyler said, “I know that too.”

Billy looked at Tyler, “You do?”

Tyler shrugged, “He’s my best friend. I know him better than anyone in the world.”

“Do you know he loves you?” Billy took Tyler’s hand, a new surge of energy

Tyler nodded. “... yeah… I love him too…”

Billy’s hand searched under the sheets. He found Tyler at half mast, soon growing to full length. No words were exchanged as Tyler straggled his friend’s body.

‘I love the power of youth.’

Only desire remained. A part of Billy’s brain screamed in defiance but it was no match for the hunger. Primal urges flamed inside, animal instincts reaching out as Billy’s voice became more demonic, “Take me, Tyler.”

Tyler nodded, pressing his penis against Billy’s body, causing him to almost pass out.

Their lips met, tongues touching like so many dreams. Years of desire surged through Billy as lightning coursed through his veins.”

“I need you, Tyler.” This time Tyler didn’t respond.

A look at Tyler showed his eyes had gone back into his head.

Billy flipped his friend over with one hand, then wrapped his arms around Tyler, straddling him in a cowgirl position. But losing his virginity for the second time this night flew from Billy’s mind as a pair of wings sprang out behind him.

‘Welcome to the sisterhood, Billy.’

Chapter 26

April 1922

“You can do it, Eddie.” Tamsyn pulled off her gloves. She’d taken more from Eddie than she could ever repay.

“I can’t. It’s never worked around girls.”

“We’re going to switch places.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Lay back.”

Fear was etched on Eddie’s face. “I can’t …”

Energy flowed into her from Eddie. It tasted different from the others, sweeter. Tamsyn pulled up the dress to reveal her husband’s nakedness.
The flesh in-between wasn’t impressive. It could hardly be after the years of no use.

“Relax. Let me show you.”

The wedding dress lay flayed behind Eddie’s head as Tamsyn leaned forward. She used her energy to do what her kind did best. Eddie felt the blood pump into his loins. “Oh my god… I think it’s working.”

“Shhhh…” She placed a finger on Eddie’s forehead. “Repeat these words. ‘I am you. You are me.’”

The changes to her own body happened without thought.

Eddie’s eyes went wide. “What??? How???”

“Don’t question it. Fall into the dream.”

Eddie’s eyes grew dim. Tamsyn whispered to Eddie’s ear, “I am entering you now.”

She pressed forward, her sex shrinking to accommodate Eddie’s small size. She grabbed Eddie’s hand and pressed them to her breasts.

“Feel yourself Eddie. This is your body.”

Eddie screamed when she knelt down to kiss him. Long strands of her hair covered both of their faces.

“The hair, these lips, my face. All of it yours.”

Eddie shouted, “Yes … yes… mine…”

Tamsyn knew it wouldn’t take long. She’d been in enough beds to know the feeling when a man was about to cum. She moved her hips in rhythm with her husband until she felt the sudden twitch. The entire encounter from beginning to end took less than forty-five seconds. Five years and forty-five seconds.

Light from Eddie’s essence twinkled in the air as the sun went down. It wasn’t like the others and there was no way she was letting Gunther get a taste.

“What happened?”

“Happy anniversary dear.”

“I feel different.”

“You lost your virginity.”

Tamsyn felt the warmth in her belly. The power of her husband’s virginity filled her with a power she’d never known. The books taught a virgin’s sperm much more powerful than normal sperm and she’d tested this premise many times in the past. Now it seemed virgin sperm given with love… a seeming exponential increase. Now for the hard part…

Eddie asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve been lying to you, Eddie.”

“Lying?”

Tamsyn put a hand to her belly allowing the light to grow until a bright wisp of light emerged.

“What the hell?”

“I’ve pulled similar essences from hundreds of men over the past year. Of course, you aren’t like other men.”

Eddie stared at the light. Transfixed by what he saw. “I don’t understand.”

Tamsyn said, “I’m a witch, Eddie.

Eddie turning, his face falling away from the hypnotic light, “A witch?”

“Of a sort.” Tamsyn nodded at the light in her hand, “I can turn you into a girl but I need you to trust me.”

“Stop teasing.” Eddie’s eyes brightened.

“Do you trust me?”

Eddie nodded. “Of course?”

She held Eddie’s combat knife in her right hand. “I’m going to need a little blood.”

Jenny and Tamsyn sat on the balcony, both holding a cigarette. “I watched with my own eyes and I’m still having trouble believing that’s Eddie.”
Tamsyn said, “You don’t see the resemblance in the face?”

“Of course, I see the resemblance. He looks like a young Mrs. McClary.” Jenny looked through the window towards Eddie who was sprawled out on his back and as naked as the day he was born.

“Don’t ruin this for me.

“I can’t believe he’s got tits. How did you do it?”

“I told you. It’s magic but the spell only lasts until midnight.”

“Does Eddie know that?”

“I haven’t got the heart to tell him.”

Jenny peeked through the window to get a better look at the action until Eddie’s screams shook the window.. “He’s taken to it well.”

Tamsyn nodded, “Yes he has.”

“Wow.” Jenny laughed, “He’s starting again. He might be a bigger slut than me.”

Tamsyn shook her head. “Is Preacher Stevens ready?”

Jenny nodded. “He’ll be waiting at the bottom of the hill with Stewy at 11PM.”

“Good. Are you ready?”

Jenny smiled. “I’m always ready.”

Gunther stared impatiently as Tamsyn ate her dinner. “Stop staring. You know I can’t go out until dusk.”

“You better come back with quality seed or next week’s beating will be worse.”

Tamsyn waited from the vantage point of her bedroom until darkness covered the town. Long strands of black hair swirled behind as her wings took flight. She flew for hours. Floating through the clouds with the wind in your face, and world far below – she’d found nothing better with the exception of sex. If everything went right tonight, she’d never have another opportunity to fly.

She landed behind the group, making no sound as her feet touched, giving her ample opportunity to change into the form that wouldn’t scare the shit out of her ‘team’.

Tamsyn said, “Thanks for coming.”

Preacher Stevens jumped when he saw her, “Anything to save a lost soul.”

Tamsyn nodded, “I appreciate it.” She smiled. “Did you bring the holy water?”

Preacher Stevens held up a milk bottle full of clear liquid. Tamsyn reared back when he waved it around.

“Careful.”

Preacher Stevens said, “Sorry.”

Jenny said, “I’m struggling with the idea that demons are real.”

Tamsyn touched a spot on her arm. It had been three days since she’d met with Jenny and Preacher Stevens and told them. Preacher Stevens looked skeptical until a drop of holy water burnt a hole into Tamsyn’s skin.

“If things go bad, run. If he overpowers me, I won’t be able to control myself.”

Preacher Stevens gave a grim nod.

Tamsyn looked at the third member of their group, “You doing ok, Stewy?”

“Yes, Tamsyn.” Stewy’s eyes always looked glazed in her presence. He’d been a frequent target in her early days and she’d turned him into her thrall. If all went well tonight, perhaps she’d be able to fix Stewy too.

Preacher Stevens asked, “Do we need him?”

“Yes and trust me. You don’t want to know the reason.” Tamsyn said, hoping the preacher didn’t press further.

Tamsyn looked at Jenny who returned a grim nod.

Preacher Stevens said, “I wish you would have allowed me to bring more people.”

Tamsyn answered, “Gunther would sense a mob long before you crossed the door. Trust me. This will work.”

The taxi stopped in the driveway. Tamsyn exited the cab holding a bottle of champagne, with Jenny and Stewy close behind. Gunther’s eyes morphed into lizard-like slits when he saw the visitors. “What are you doing here?”

Tamsyn gave Gunther a kiss on the cheek. “You remember Jenny and Stewy.” She handed Gunther a bottle of champagne.

“Of course.”

Gunther set the bottle down. “We have an agreement and it doesn’t include bringing your slutty friends to the house on a Saturday.”

Tamsyn said, “It was Jenny’s idea. She didn’t believe me when I told her you had a twelve-inch cock. I told her you’d be glad to show it to her.”

Gunther sneered at the compliment. “Don’t we have more pressing business tonight?”

Tamsyn nodded, “That’s why I brought Stewy. You take Jenny as an appetizer. I take Stewy. We’ll meet in my bedroom for the main course.”

Gunther frowned when he looked at Stewy, “I thought you were done with this one. He’s barely worth the effort.”

“Come on, Gunther.” Tamsyn said, “Think of it as a double date.”

“You should have cleared it with me.” Gunther said, grabbing Jenny by the wrist as he passed. “Come with me.”

“Ewww. I like boys who play rough.”

The brute pulled her up the stairs and towards his room. Tamsyn closed her eyes. She didn’t deserve such a loyal friend. She turned to Stewy who stood silent.

“Let’s go.”

Tamsyn grabbed his arm and pulled him up the stairs. “We need to be quick.” I doubt Jenny can hold his attention for more than twenty minutes.” The comment was a reminder to herself more than information for Stewy. She read every thought in Stewy’s brain, and didn’t find much.

They found Edelle in the solarium, waiting naked on the bed.

“You know what to do, Stewy.” Tamsyn sent mental instructions to reinforce the command. Stewy began undressing at once.

Edelle said, “Something doesn’t feel right, Tamsyn.”

Tamsyn used a minor coercion spell as she spoke, “Trust me, Edelle. This is the only way if you want to remain a girl after midnight.”

Stewy dutifully joined Edelle on the bed as Tamsyn raised her hands. A second later the wisps of light she’d gathered from virgins all over the county grew bright, escaping their prisons of glass and flying into the air.

Gunther had grown lazy. While the seven deadly sins might put a priest on a path to become a demon, these failings don’t automatically become blessings when you join the other side.

He assumed her visits to the solarium were to visit her husband. A more attentive person would have felt the power she was gathering in the attic. Tamsyn had put a dampening spell on the entire floor to dissuade his interest but it was there just the same.

Light surrounded Edelle as Stewy continued to pump and Tamsyn spread her wings wide in hopes of undoing all her harm.

“Oh my god.” Tamsyn said, staring into the mirror. “It’s worse than I could have imagined. I’ve turned into your mother.”

Tamsyn could see Edelle wasn’t listening. The spell had switched their bodies. Edelle now wore Tamsyn’s skin. Tamsyn wore Edelle’s.
“I’m a woman.”Edelle choked out, her tears falling fast.

Tamsyn put her arms around Edelle, “You’ve always been a woman, my love. Now you’ve got the body to go with it.”

Edelle didn’t answer, the trauma of the experience clearly too much.

Tamsyn reviewed her plans and the spells she planned to cast until she heard the clocks sound midnight. The body she wore shifted into a masculine form.

A tall man in a black overcoat blushed at Tamsyn’s state of undress, “You’re Tamsyn?”

Tamsyn nodded. “Yes.”

He pointed at Tamsyn’s body. “And that’s Eddie?”

“Yes.”

Tamsyn fidgeted as she stared at the priest. It felt weird to stand in a man’s body. If she’d been born this way, the world might have been her oyster. Of course, there were downsides to being born a man. She traced a finger along the scar on Eddie’s forehead, safe in the knowledge the raised bump wouldn’t fill her with the same emotions without the memories of the event.

Tamsyn nodded. “Did you sanctify the house?”

Preacher Stevens said, “I spread holy water around the entire perimeter and blessed the house. The demon is trapped.

“Good. You should get out of here before Gunther comes downstairs.” Tamsyn looked up at the window for Gunther’s room. “I doubt Jenny will be able to hold him much longer.”

“You don’t think I’d leave you alone in the face of evil do you?.” Preacher Stevens pulled a Bible from inside his coat. “The church has gotten reports of demonic possession in the area for longer than you’ve been alive. I couldn’t live with myself if I allowed him to escape.”

Tamsyn shrugged. “It’s your funeral.”

Preacher Steven smiled as he adjusted his sacraments. “On your knees. Both of you.”

Tamsyn watched as the preacher’s lips began to move, “Are you seriously going to pray for us? For me?”

“Yes, Tamsyn.” Preacher Stevens placed a hand on Tamsyn’s forehead.

Tamsyn said, “We don’t have time for this. I’m a lost soul, remember?”

“How many times do I have to tell you? You’re part of my flock. And it’s in forgiveness where we find salvation.” Preacher Stevens motioned the sign of the cross, “And there’s always time for prayer.”

Tamsyn took a deep breath. Everything in her life had led to this moment. She’d made a lot of mistakes, but she’d always meant to do good. Even when she hadn’t. A look at her arm showed the burn mark had disappeared.

“I’ve got a full wine cellar in the basement.” Tamsyn stood, feeling like a burden had lifted from her. “If you make it through this, take your pick.”

“It’s a deal.”

Jenny shouted from the bedroom, appearing in the hallway holding a bedspread over her shoulders, “Don’t leave, Gunther. I was getting warmed up.”

Gunther didn’t look happy as he sniffed at the air. “I smell something foul.” He moved down the hallway with a purpose, stopping when he saw the small gathering at the bottom of the stairs.

“You brought a priest to face me?” Gunther jumped off the balcony, shifting into his true form before he hit the ground. “Pathetic.”

Preacher Stevens’ face turned to horror as he raised the large cross in front of his body. In his other hand he held the remnants of the holy water. “Stay back, foul beast.”

Gunther gave an amused grin. “I’m disappointed. Is this the best you can assemble? Your weak-willed husband, a sex starved whore, and an alcoholic priest?”

Tamsyn did her best not to react. Gunther looked at Edelle whose mind remained in a stupor.

“No pithy response? Curious.” He sniffed at Edelle then Tamsyn. He laughed. “Trickery. I see you’ve been practicing the craft.”

Tamsyn held the knife in front of her body.

Gunther laughed harder. “If you’ve been studying, you should know a steel blade can’t penetrate my skin.”

Tamsyn stared at the beast, “People have underestimated me all my life. Most have seen a pretty face or something worse. It used to bother me but I eventually realized these people name their own inadequacy when they placed a label on me.” She looked towards Edelle. “My husband was the first person who saw me. My life changed the day we met and he’s given me a life beyond my wildest dreams. The only thing I ever wanted was for us to settle down so we could live out our days in peace.”

Gunther said, “You belong to me, Tamsyn. I demand you take your place by my side.”

Tamsyn felt the pull of Gunther’s call but the power of Eddie’s virginal essence gave her a temporary boon.

“I belong to no one.”

She plunged the knife deep into her husband’s heart, and the pain forced her to her knees.

Chapter 27

Billy woke in darkness, seeing the outfit at the bottom of the bed. The panties went on easy, as did the bra. He put the nightgown over both then put on the slippers.

A look around showed no one in the room. He called out anyway. “Tamsyn? Tyler? Is anyone here?” The unmistakable sound of whispers stopped as soon as he spoke.

Billy exited the bedroom to find the candles in the house extinguished and the ballroom furniture rearranged. In place of the couch sat a large table with chairs on all sides.

Every candle in the place lit at the same time.

“SURPRISE!!!”

The sudden light blinded Billy for a moment. When his vision cleared he saw a dozen women staring at him.

“I’m sure you’re confused.” A gray haired woman spoke. Billy blinked several times to make sure his eyes weren’t tricking him.

“Mrs. Skelton?”

“It’s good to see you again.”

Mrs. Skelton taught 2nd grade at the town's elementary school. “What are you doing here?”

“Welcome to the sisterhood.”

“Huh?”

"You're part of our coven." A lady strode forward, holding out her hand. “You have powers. We will help you learn to control them.”

Billy stared at the familiar woman’s face. “Do I know you?”

Several women laughed. “Madame mayor, I think you’re going to need to spend more money targeting the high school before your next election.”

The woman held out her hand, “I’m Nicole Lambert.”

“Uhh …” Billy said, “I remember seeing signs with your face on them.”

You must see something.

Flashes of memory appeared. Terror filled Billy’s bones. He doubled over and knelt to the floor.

“You're having a vision. The first of many in the coming days. Try to slow your breathing and close your eyes.” Nicole moved her hand back and forth across Billy's back. “Tell me … what do you see?”

Darkness swirled a shouts and screams echoed through the black as an indistinct form began to take shape.

“I see Gunther.” Billy turned to stare at the tall man. “He’s yelling… at me…” Billy opened his eyes and looked towards the second floor balcony. “I se him. He jumped from the balcony wearing red eyes… and large horns.”

“Anything else?”

Billy closed his eyes. “I see a man dressed in black … And there’s a woman on the balcony … I see … Tamsyn … no wait … that’s me … oh god … there’s a knife.”

Pain exploded in Billy’s chest driving him to the floor as the searing pain spread from head to toe.

Mrs. Skelton asked, “Are you ok?”

“No.” Billy lay prone on the floor unable to move, the slightest movement making the pain worse.

That is my last memory.

Billy grabbed at his chest. He didn’t think the pain would ever stop. When he looked up he saw several of the women standing over him. Mrs. Skelton said, “The painful memories are the strongest.”

She held up a book. The leatherbound cover read – the Personal Diary of Mrs. Edelle Baldwin.

“If you want to know more. The relevant part of the story starts on page 58.”

I don’t have much to say about the next part. Even after all the years the memory makes me want to cry.

I watched as Tamsyn plunged my knife deep into her heart. Of course the truth was the knife entered my heart but it’s semantics at this point.

It’s impossible to describe the feeling when you watch your own body fall to the floor with a knife handIe sticking out of your chest. I’m sure I screamed. I suspect the others in the room reacted in a similar fashion.

I tried to run to her but something froze me in my tracks. I watched helplessly as Jenny ran down the stairs to administer first aid but it was too late.

Edward McClary, Jr. - Born: June 19, 1898 - Died: April 21, 1922.

The local papers said nice things. Most mentioned my war service and omitted the bad parts. Edward McClary, Jr. had a well-lived but short life with a second chapter only a special few ever knew.

It would have been a short chapter if not for Tamsyn. I felt her spirit enter my body and watched as my hands drew intricate patterns in the air and my mouth spoke in a language I did not understand. Preacher Stevens hit the demon with holy water while Tamsyn cast the binding spell. When the smoke cleared, Gunther lay helpless on the floor.

They say pride goeth before the fall. That was true here.

Gunther assumed Tamsyn couldn’t fight back after he stole her soul. The man didn’t understand Tamsyn’s strength. When the final battle came, she had more than enough power to stand up to him. I provided the soul.

He also forgot he had bound himself to Tamsyn long before the reverse was true. An employment contract is a weak bind as far as these things go but it was still in force on the day of the battle. Tamsyn bound herself to the house and then bound Gunther to her ensuring the demon could never leave. I must say, he’s not much of a butler, but he’s better than nothing.

Billy asked. “Can I go home now?”

The hall had started to clear. Most of the witches had left.

Mrs. Skelton replied. “I’m sure you have questions.”

Billy said, “I’m really tired.”

Nicole looked at Mrs. Skelton and back to Billy. “I’ve assigned Mrs. Skelton to stay in the house with you for the next few days.”

“Stay … in this house?” Billy looked from one end to the other. “No way. My parents would freak. And then there’s school … and my friends.” Oh shit. “Where’s Tyler?”

“Your friends are quite safe.”

Billy reached out with his mind, and sensed his friends growing distant. He jumped to his feet, covering the distance to the door in a matter of seconds.

Mrs Skelton called after him, “Don’t go outside…”

As Billy jumped off the porch, a shockwave pressed back, leaving him writing in pain on the wooden floorboards.

This is our limit. We can go no further.

The pain subsided the closer Billy drew to the front door. ““What’s going on?”

“Tamsyn is bound to this house and so are you.”

Billy picked herself up. “I don’t understand.”

Mrs. Skelton nodded, “Remember when you said you'd give anything to become a girl? There is always a cost when magic is involved.”

“No … no … no… .” Billy searched the hill, finding his friends growing more distant. Rocky carried a bag full of empty beer bottles. Symon and Quincy raced down the hill. At the back, Tyler spoke to a girl.

“Who’s with Tyler?”

“You don’t recognize her?” Mrs. Skelton said, “That’s Willa.”

“She looks like Tamsyn.”

“No … Billy.” Mrs. Skelton said, “You look like Tamsyn.”

Welcome Billy. I have a lot to teach you. We’re going to have a lot of fun together.

Chapter 28

“I brought tea.”

“I’m good, thanks.”

Books and papers lay spread out over the table.

“Have you decided?”

“Not yet.”

A thousand memories flooded in each one making it difficult to know where the old Billy ended and Tamsyn began. “She’s trying to erase me.”

“You’re learning my story. There’s a difference.”

The memories danced from good to bad to awful … the memory of dancing with Stewy at the dance club … the thought of killing Mr. McClary … the joy of feeding on a victim. The first few days were full of tears. The last few more downs than ups.

“I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can.”
“Yes, you can.”

Mrs. Skelton asked, “Have you decided on a name?”

“Can I use Billie?”

Mrs. Skelton asked, “A clean break with the past would be a better path forward.”

“I agree.”

“Will you shut up?”

Mrs. Skelton gave a cross look.

“Sorry. I wasn’t speaking to you, Mrs. Skelton.”

“Of course.” Mrs. Skelton laughed. “I remember my time with Tamysn. She can be a handful at times. Perhaps it would be good if we took a break upstairs?”

“That sounds good.”

The house was far bigger than the outside perimeter suggested and underground tunnels added by the witches for their comings and goings added even more space. Every woman in the coven had started out like Eddie. A girl born in a boy’s body. They ended up like Tamsyn with one major difference. They all kept their souls during their time in the house.

The town looked the same as it had before, the only difference being the ability to see the coming and goings of the citizens without the need of a telescope.

He’d spent days watching his friends and staring at his old bedroom, now occupied by Willa. Tamsyn had lied, changing the records was the easy part, made easier when most of the town’s men are enthralled by the Sisterhood.

Mrs. Skelton smiled when she saw the ashtray on the balcony contained a few more empty crushed butts than the last time the pair had taken a break.

“The cravings get you?”

She shrugged.

Mrs Skelton nodded. “Willa’s purse was full of nicotine patches when she went down the hill. Learning to quit smoking is part of the process.”

“What do you think happened to Tamsyn?”

Mrs. Skelton answered a question with a question. “What do you think happened?”

“I don't know, my memories of Tamsyn aren’t what I’d expect. Everything happened over a century ago.“

“I am Tamsyn.”

Mrs. Skelton asked, “Why do you say that?”

“Tamsyn’s memories stop the night she died. It’s like the demon inside of me is a broken fragment.”

“You’re a broken fragment.”

Mrs. Skelton asked, “Do you have a theory?”

“I like to think she went to the next place … the good place. I mean ... Preacher Stevens gave her a blessing her right before the battle.”

“True.” Mrs. Skelton smiled. “That’s one way to think of it. Then again, suicide is a mortal sin.”

“She killed herself for a good cause. She and Gunther did terrible things. I mean, if a live grenade is tossed into a room full of people and one person jumps on it to save the others, is that a mortal sin?”

Mrs. Skelton nodded, “That’s a question for a theologist.”

“Replaying the story makes me feel sad.”

"Of course. There is a lot of sadness in Tamsyn's tale but I think it has a happy ending."

"You do?"

Mrs. Skelton looked down at the town. “I remember the day I climbed up the hill. I didn’t have any friends. I’d never been on a date. Thoughts of ending it crossed my mind more than once. Something called me up the hill. I’m old enough to have known Edelle when she was leader of the coven. She stood on this same balcony when I asked her a similar question you asked me today.”

“What did she say?”

Mrs. Skelton said, “She didn't have any answers either.”

“Oh.”

Mrs. Skelton wiped at her eyes. “Edelle told me the happiest time of her life was the decade she and Tamsyn spent together but as the 1920s turned to the 1930s, they realized they needed more. They had plenty of money, but they they weren't immortal and something had to be done. They ultimately decided to create a coven with a primary purpose of keeping the demon bound but it had a secondary goal as well -- helping those born like Eddie. Tamsyn never had any children in life. She's had many in death.”

“We are the daughters of Tamsyn.”

Mrs. Skelton nodded, “Edelle told me each of us come to this house, bringing with us fears and doubts, and those of us lucky enough to be brought into the coven are assisted into womanhood by Tamsyn. She helps each of us achieve our dreams, and in return we help her achieve her own. We are her legacy.”

“That’s a nice thought.”

“I thought so too.”

Chapter 29

“Have you picked one yet?”

Two dozen pictures sat on the desk. Behind the pictures were details about each candidate. She didn’t need to read the dossiers. She’d gone to school with all of them. She’d had classes with some but none of it mattered. Even staring at the pictures made her wet.

“Not yet.”

Gunther growled. “You can’t wait until the last minute. These guys will be starting up the hill soon. If we don’t discourage some of them, there’ll be fights.”

None of it felt real and others too real. At some point, their minds came together, fitting like a glove.

A long thin cigarette hung from painted lips as she took a long drag.

Gunther asked, “Do you want me to pick?”

“You know Gunther, there are times I preferred it when you didn’t speak.”

The man’s crotch showed a large bulge pressing against his pants. None of the boys in the picture would have anything close but she’d denied him the past week in a fit of pique. They both knew she wouldn’t make it much longer.

She shook her head, “I can choose.”

“Of course, ma’am.” Gunther took a step back.

The silence in the room felt heavy as the reality of her situation pressed down. She’d checked the math several times. The best math showed it’d be at least three years to learn all the spells and gather all the reagents, more likely four.

Her finger tapped on the geekiest of the bunch. Maybe he’d be a surprise. “After he’s gone I’d like you to come to my room.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Is that all, ma’am?”

“Call me, Tamsyn.”

“Of course.”

Sam has hid from the world for most of his life but a chance encounter threatens to burst everything open, and reveal a world he never expected.

Sam walked through his apartment. He had far fewer parties here than he'd expected when he'd moved in. In truth, he didn’t have a single party. Only a few had ever been inside.

Now empty, everything seemed smaller.

Sam stood at the balcony and lit a cigarette. How many times had he stood here at night, dressed in full femme, his small rebellion against a cruel world. Hidden under a canopy of stars, this place had been his sanctuary.
He tossed the cigarette over the side and watched the sparks from the ash float into the darkness.

“My last one,” he promised himself for the thousandth time. This time he meant it. His therapist told him he was running away from his problems, but she didn’t know Tommy.

It had been a month since his friend surprised him.

“Holy shit. How’d you get here?”

Tommy stood on the front stoop of Sam’s third floor apartment. “The fraternity gave me your address. I hope you don’t mind.”

“No. Not at all.” Sam did his best to keep a straight face as he told the lie.

He recognized his former roommate straight away. Tommy was a little thicker in the middle, but otherwise looked the same. He still wore the same hairstyle - blondish-brown hair to the side that showed no signs of thinning. A tailored suit complimented his 6’2” frame.

“Nice outfit.”

“You like it?”

“I bet I could buy five suits for the price you paid for that one.”

“You gotta dress the part.”

Chicago had some of the best law firms in the world and if the rumors were true, Tommy was a fast mover.

“What brings you to St. Louis?”

Tommy's trademark grin disappeared. “I thought an old friend might be happy to see me. I had business nearby and thought I’d stop by. I can leave if you’re busy.”

Sam shook his head, “No … no. I wasn’t expecting you.” He opened the door slightly wider, hoping Tommy wouldn’t look too close at the outfit laying on his couch.

Tommy said, “The guys missed you at the 10-year reunion. I’d hoped to see you there.”

Sam looked at his toes. “Something came up.”

“You didn’t return any of my calls.”

Sam said, “Things have been crazy at work. You know how it goes.”

Tommy nodded but his face looked blank, “I thought we might have a drink. For old times sake.”

“Yeah???” Sam stepped through the door’s frame, hoping his large frame might block Tommy’s view. “We could go right now.” Sam said, as he shut the door behind him.

Tommy took a step back. “Uhhh … sure. Is there a good bar around here?”

“There’s one up the street.”

“Sounds good. You lead the way.”

The two old friends walked in the awkward silence down the sidewalk. Sam took several quick looks at Tommy’s face, but he betrayed no emotion. The benefit of courtroom training. Their last parting hadn’t been friendly. It was one of the reasons Sam took the job in St. Louis.

They made it halfway when Tommy asked, “How about the Cubs?”

Sam shook his head. “You’re still rooting for them?”

Tommy said, “They’re better than the Cardinals.”

“Talk like that will get you lynched in this town.”

“Heh.”

Sports. The universal conversation filler for men who desperately want to talk about other things.

They’d planned to move to Chicago after graduation, but everything changed when Tommy met Danielle. She and Tommy went to Northwestern for Law School. Sam ended up in St. Louis. When the invitation to their wedding arrived, Sam tossed it in the trash.

A few of the bar's other patrons looked their way as they entered. A sign at the door said they could grab any seat.

Tommy asked, “Do you usually sit at the bar or a table?”

“The bar’s fine.” Sam said, not wanting to admit this was his first visit.

Tommy looked around. “This place is a little rough around the edges, but it isn’t too bad.”

“You and I have seen worse.”

Tommy laughed, “God knows that’s true.” He paused for a second. “Did you hear Danielle left me?”

“Yeah.” The sudden change of topic stole Sam’s breath. He’d wondered how long it would take his friend. “I was sorry to hear about that.”

Tommy’s smirk said he didn’t believe him. “I went to the reunion to see you.”

“Really?”

“Do you think we can stop lying to each other?” Tommy said, “I’ll start. I don’t have business nearby.”

“Oh.” A burst of feelings tickled Sam’s stomach. He blinked a few times hoping Tommy might not see.

"You didn’t give me much choice.” Tommy continued, “You’ve avoided my calls. You skipped the reunion. I know you were mad at me, but I didn’t think you hated me.”

“I don’t hate you Tommy.”

Tommy didn’t flinch, “I thought I might hear from you after the divorce was final. I know you hated Danielle. You could have called to gloat. You predicted it the last time we spoke.”

Losing Tommy to Danielle hurt more than Sam dared admit. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Tommy.”

Tommy raised his hand, calling for another drink. “Everyone asked about Danielle at the reunion.” A glisten appeared in Tommy's eyes. “It was Danielle this and Danielle that. I needed my wingman at my side.”

“I couldn’t go … it’s complicated.”

“I know.” Tommy took a deep breath and sighed, “It was hard to be mad at the guys. I know I screwed things up in our Senior year. It was like Danielle had me under her spell. Nothing else mattered.”

Sam could see the pain etched in his old friend's face. There was no avoiding the topic. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’ve never had a woman who made me feel so …” Tommy paused. “… full. Law school was great but things changed once we got jobs.”

“I’ve heard you’re doing well at the law firm.”

Tommy didn’t take the bait to change the subject. “I’m not sure why she ended it. At least the divorce was easy. Danielle didn’t want a thing. She gave me the house.”

“It can’t be that bad, Tommy. You’ve got an amazing job, and it’s not like you’ve ever had problems picking up women. I bet you’re swimming in them.”

“It’s not the same without my wingman.” Tommy smiled for the first time since he brought up Danielle’s name. “I miss you, dude.”

Sam’s insides turned to mush. When Sam first met Tommy, his friend had a date with a different girl every week. Most of the guys in the fraternity followed Tommy to get his cast-offs. Sam had his own reasons. “I wanted to go to the reunion, but our last conversation got heated.”

“I know.”

Sam could see the pain in his friend’s eyes. “I'm sorry, Tommy. I’ve been a jerk. I should have returned your calls.”

Tommy nodded, “It’s in the past. I need a friend right now.”

“Whatever you need, Tommy.”

The pair talked until the bartender threw them out, and they parted as friends. Sam figured it would be another ten years before their next meeting. A week later, he got a call the next week from a marketing firm in Chicago who had an opening for a senior marketing analyst. It was a client of Tommy’s who owed him a favor. One month and five interviews later, Sam had the job.

It took the guys from the moving company less than two hours to clear out the apartment. It’s scary how quick the total accumulation of a person’s existence can be erased from a place. But Sam didn’t allow them to move everything. The attic held his most prized possessions, and now all of them lay spread out on the living room floor. With Tom living in close proximity, it was time to say goodbye.

Sam folded every piece carefully and placed them in the suitcase, then waited for it to get dark. A loud splash announced the first suitcase hitting the water of the quarry. It stayed on top long enough to become worrisome, but the suitcase wasn’t watertight, and it eventually sank beneath the waves. Sam held the second suitcase in his hand for a long while before opening it up and pulling out a small bag. He couldn’t get rid of everything.

The second splash followed. Thankfully, it sank much quicker.

A scan in all directions showed no signs of anyone watching. It would be years before anyone found it, if ever. If they did, they’d have more questions than answers.

Sam’s hand shook as he lit a final cigarette. He had a long drive ahead.

The movers arrived at Tommy’s house at 8AM. His friend had been all too willing to volunteer his house as Sam’s temporary residence, with a constant reminder Sam could live there on a permanent basis if he wished. Sam said no, afraid of the part of himself now laying at the bottom of a quarry. He needed time to figure things out. He needed to know if he could change.

All his big stuff went into storage. All the little stuff went into Tommy’s garage.

Sam couldn’t complain. Tommy's house was a bachelor’s dream. His friend had at least three big screen TVs with a fully stocked wet bar and a small hot tub in the back. They’d laughed at the thought of the trouble they could have gotten into if they’d lived there in college.

Tommy covered his walls with pictures of the past, but none contained Danielle.

When Sam left college, he stood 6’1”, and only a few pounds above his high school weight of 175 lbs. Few who saw him now would believe they were the same person. The bulge around his middle long ago passed from spare tire to obese, but Tommy never said a word about the change in his appearance.

A new town -- new habits and his new job didn’t start for another two weeks. There as no time like the present to get started.

Sam found the box with his old bike in the garage. He’d meant to throw it out years ago but the memories made him hang on to it. The chain came off easy, as did the crank. Sam checked all the components one by one. In college, he’d been good enough to place in a few local races, and the fraternity counted on him to be the anchor leg in the school’s relay race.

Ten years was a long time for a bike to lay dormant but Sam spent most of the morning cleaning each part and adding a good dash of lubricant. By mid-afternoon it felt reasonably road worthy.

His old bike gear lay amongst his other clothes. He didn’t have the heart to throw it out either. Squeezing into it was another matter. Sam had second thoughts as he looked in the mirror. The biking shorts were at least two sizes too small. To pull them up to his waist, meant they grew so tight against his crotch his private parts crept up into their hiding spots in order to avoid excruciating pain.

The lycra top didn’t look bad the first time he pulled it into place but a single breath caused it to roll up past his belly, giving the appearance of a half tank top. It looked ridiculous, but Sam didn’t have time to go shopping for anything bigger, so instead he hid both items under a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before throwing his bike in the trunk of his car.

Everything felt different as he pedaled. His thighs were on fire but he had expected that. What he had not expected was just how difficult it was to keep it going. The crankshaft made a clicking sound, and the derailleur refused to work. It took three miles before a cramp in his thighs forced him to turn around.

Sam was a mile from his car when he heard a ‘pop’ and the sound of rushing air.

‘Dammit.’

Years of repression and deliberate self-delusion flared through his body.

His saddlebag contained several spares, all at least eight years old. Age was part of the cause for the flat, but there was no denying his flabby body the real cause.

Sam didn’t hear the sound of the approaching biker or the squeal of her brakes.

“Need some help?”

The woman standing over him straddled an expensive looking bike. He’d never been very good with women.

“I’m about done here.”

“Are you sure?”

Sam had barely started removing the inner tube. He’d forgotten so much. “I’m good.”

“I’ve got time. I’ll wait to make sure it’s roadworthy.” She stared at Sam, and Sam not knowing what to say, returned his attention to his bike. A large gust of wind hit him as he pulled out the old tube. He replaced it with a new one, then reset the tire. As begin using the air pump, he saw the woman had not moved.

She said, “You look like you’ve had a lot of experience changing flats.”

Sam did not look up, “I used to ride a lot.”

“Do you want some company on the ride back? I’d feel responsible if you got another flat and had to walk.”

Sam started to object, but it would be nice to have company. “Sure.”

Sam hopped on his bike, his crankshaft making a loud groan at first touch.

“It sounds like your bike needs a tune up.”

“Yeah, it’s been in storage for years.”

The woman smiled but didn’t say anything.

Sam did his best to act normal. It had been years since he’d been alone with a girl. Girl wasn’t the right descriptor of the person riding beside him. She appeared to be in her early thirties with calves showing the definition of someone who’d spent many hours in the saddle.

She spoke again, “What’s your name?”

Sam mentally smacked himself for his utter lack of game, “My name is Sam. Sam Gibson.”

The woman gave him a big smile, holding her hand out with an ease but using Sam’s tone of formality, “My name is Tracy. Tracy Spellman.”

Sam tried to think of something to say, finding relief when Tracy spoke again, “What do you do for a living, Sam?”

“I work in advertising. I just moved to the city.”

“Nice. Welcome to Chicago, Sam. I’d imagine it’s a great town for someone in your profession.”

“I’m not sure, but I’m hopeful. I got in a rut at my old job.”

“How so?” Tracy seemed genuinely interested.

“It worked long hours and had no life. I needed a change.”

“Is that why you’re riding today?”

Sam tried to hide his increasing heavy breaths. “I guess so. I’m out of shape. Sorry if I’m slowing you down.”

Tracy stared as the stiff breeze in their face quickened, “I have a proposition if you are interested.”

“A proposition?” Sam’s face reddened, “I … uhhh...”

“Not that kind of proposition.” Tracy laughed, “I’m a sales rep for a bike company, but my primary job is working with athletes to improve their training. In fact, my company is having a competition to see which of their reps can train the fastest rider. I had a student but they dropped out. I thought you might be interested.”

Sam shook his head, “Ten years ago, I would have loved to take you up on your offer, but right now … I'm a waste of your time.” At that moment, the derailleur decided to shift gears without warning. “And as you can hear, my bike isn’t in much better shape.”

Tracy gave a sympathetic look, “Trust me. You’d be helping me. My boss expects me to show up with someone. And your bike is no issue as you’ll use our equipment. I’m sure this whole this is the idea of a marketing genius like you but I follow orders..” Tracy laughed at her joke, then winked at Sam. “Why shouldn’t I help you?”

“I guess…” Sam blushed, “I don’t start work for another two weeks. When do you want to start?”

“Tomorrow. We have a lot of work to do. The race is on Saturday.”

“Saturday!?!? There’s no way I’ll be ready for a race by Saturday.”

Tracy smiled, “I think you’ll be surprised at how quickly you improve. If nothing else, I’ll have our technicians work on your bike. In the meantime, you’ll have to put up with me for a week.” She flashed a brilliant smile.

Sam’s front bike tire wiggled as he fought to retain control. It didn’t make sense for a beautiful woman to try this hard, but he’d be a fool to turn her down. “Ok.”

“Awesome. I’ll meet you here first thing tomorrow and you can sign the contracts.”

“Contracts?”

“Come on, Sam. You know nothing is done in the business world without a lot of paperwork. I’ve got to clear you with my bosses, and you’ll need to sign a few things. It’s no big deal.”

Sam shrugged, “Ok.”

They were approaching the parking lot and Tracy asked, “Meet in the parking lot at 9am tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

“Great.” Tracy said. “My car is further down the path. I’ll see you then.” Sam watched as she sped away faster than seemed possible.

Tommy was in the kitchen when Sam arrived. “Out seeing what Chicago has to offer?”

“I went to the park for a ride.”

“Heh.” Tommy nodded, “You lived on that thing in college.”

Sam patted his belly, “I haven’t used it much lately.”

Tommy didn’t engage, “Speaking of bellies, are you hungry? I’m about to finish making dinner.”

“I’m famished.”

Sam had worried when he'd accepted Tom's invitation, the ten years of separation would lead to awkward silences. An outsider watching them now would never guess they hadn’t seen one another in a decade. Sam knew he shouldn’t be surprised. He’d once been closer to Tommy than anyone else in his life. The ease of their conversations gave a happiness he’d dearly missed.

“I’m going to be out of town all week on business, but I’ll be back on Friday. Why don’t we plan on dinner, then a night on the town. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to a club with my wingman at my side.“

Sam gave thought to mentioning Saturday’s race, but knew Tracy was crazy. There’s no way he’d be ready for a race that quick. “I don’t envy you living out of a suitcase all week.”

Tommy said, “It’s not so bad. I’m staying in a fancy hotel and I’ll be eating in the best restaurants.”

Sam scoffed, “I know that’s a lie. It is more like room service while you work on a laptop and any fancy meal in a restaurant usually involves a client and a lot of sucking up. I don’t envy you in the least.”

Tommy nodded, “It shouldn’t be too bad. We’re doing a bunch of depositions for an upcoming trial. Do you have any big plans for the week?”

“Nope. Maybe I’ll see the sights.”

“I feel like I’m abandoning you.”

Sam said, “Don’t worry about it. I need to find my way around the city, and I’m too old to have a babysitter. To be honest, I’m looking forward to a week of peace and quiet. I can’t remember the last time I could truly relax. I am going to try to enjoy it.”

“You’re making me jealous.”

Sam smiled and their conversation drifted. They chatted aimlessly for a few more hours before going to bed.

Tracy typed a text message into a secure datapad. It arrived in Amsterdam seconds later:
I met someone today. My scan didn’t find anything unusual, but their shields were much stronger than expected. Probably a waste of time, but I need to keep up appearances.

Sam has hid from the world for most of his life but a chance encounter has burst everything open. Sam meets Tracy at the park and they begin their training.

Chirping birds woke Sam from his slumber. Stiffness in every muscle and joint made moving his arms and legs too difficult, so he rolled to the edge of the bed, and hit the floor with a thump.

Pain radiated through his entire body. “Goddammit!”

The clock showed a quarter to 8AM as Sam dragged his body across the bedroom floor. About halfway to the shower, he decided on a different course. Sam limped through the living room, through the kitchen, and looked around as he got to the back porch. A flip of the switch turned on the water jets. Not seeing a soul, Sam took off his boxers to reveal his nakedness. A step into the hot tub brought instant relief.

“Ahhhhh…”

Sam tried to stretch but pain made him stop. Memories of the previous day’s ride and thoughts of what faced him today whirled in his brain. Sleep took him almost at once.

When he woke, Sam lay still for a moment, then jumped out of the water after realizing what he’d done. “Shit … shit … shit…” He ran naked through the back door, tracking water into the kitchen. A look at the clock showed twenty minutes after eight.

He fought through the pain, pulling on his biking pants and jersey. After a check in the mirror, he grabbed a clean pair of shorts and t-shirt, and wore them over his biking outfit.

Tracy sat at a picnic table when Sam arrived at the park. Sam did his best to move at a quick pace but the tightness had returned.

“Good morning Sam!” Tracy greeted him, “It’s a beautiful day isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Beautiful.” Sam said, rubbing his thigh, “It’s amazing how quick I got used to sleeping in.”

Tracy gave a dutiful laugh then got right to business, “We need to complete the paperwork.” She pointed to the half ream of papers on the table in front of her.

“Seriously? All of that?”

“Businesses move on paper. You know that. We can’t go further without a signatures on our standard contract.”

“Have you ever heard of data tablets?”

“My company is old fashioned.”

Sam shook his head, “Grrr… My roommate is a lawyer. I hear they bill by the page.”

Tracy placed the contract in front of Sam. The lead page started … ‘Contract of understanding between Sam Gibson and Maxus Athletics, Inc’. Sam read a couple of pages before yawning. It looked like a standard contract to hold the company harmless in case of injury. It also mentioned that the company had all rights to the data collected and that they loaned the equipment only for the time mentioned in the contract. Sam stopped reading at page three and scanned the rest. He said, “It looks standard.”

Tracy nodded, “It’s boilerplate. I’m sure you’ve seen lots of these.” She held out a pen.

“I sign the last page?”

“You sign, then I sign.”

Sam signed, and Tracy did likewise.

Tracy held out her hand. “Now we shake hands.”

“Seriously?”

“A handshake is a matter of principle to our founders. A deal isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on unless you seal it with a handshake.”

Sam shook his head as he Tracy’s hand. He watched as she put her other hand on the contract.

Tracy said, “Repeat what I say.”

Sam said, “This is getting ridiculous.”

Tracy pointed across the parking lot to a shiny new bike. “Do you want to ride it?”

Sam stared at the bike, a near duplicate of the one Tracy rode the day before. “It looks nice.”

Tracy spoke again, “Repeat after me.” She tightened her grip but her eyes didn’t betray a hint of a smile. “I promise to abide by the contents of this contract.”

Sam repeated, “I promise to abide by the contents of this contract.” A breeze hit the table as Sam said the final words causing papers to fly in every direction. Tracy did her best to catch them but some flew away.

Sam stood to help gather them. "Ouch ... ouch ... ouch."

“Don’t worry about this mess, Sam. Go change.” She handed him a box. “Today's outfit in there.”

Sam looked in the box filled with biking tights and jerseys. “I can’t wear my clothes?”

“It’s in the contract.” Tracy smiled.

“Grrrr…” Sam growled. “Why do I feel this isn’t the last time I’m going to hear that phrase?”

“Come on, Sam. You work in marketing. You know how this stuff works.” Tracy straightened the gathered paperwork and placed it in a box. “This contest is an advertising campaign and all riders are expected to wear our equipment. Maxus isn’t a charity.” Her face softened, “Trust me. We spare no expense on research and always use the latest technology. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how much some of these things cost.”

Sam picked up a jersey which looked to be a man’s medium. “This isn’t going to fit.”

“Our clothing is made of special polymers which stretch to fit the wearer. You won’t find a better mix of style, fit, and support on the market.” Tracy spoke in a monotone voice which reminded Sam of a sales pitch.

Sam nodded. “I'll try.”

“Good.” Tracy smiled. “By the time you're done, your bike should be ready.”

Sam walked to the bathroom and spread the items on the counter, one by one. All had the name Maxus stitched in the same Roman script. He tried the tights first. When he pulled them to his knees it didn’t seem possible to pull them further but somehow they relaxed allowing him to pull them to his waist. A look showed the purple and black racing tights covering him from ankle to his waist. He had to admit, the soothing pressure felt good on both quad and calf.

Curiosity got the better of his as he squeezed his head through the jersey’s tight opening. One arm, then the other found its way through a sleeve. A simple tug pulled the jersey tight, the whole giving support and yet loose at the same time.

Together the outfit seeming to absorb the pain when he woke though any spell broke as soon as he looked in the mirror. His reflection showed every misshapen bulge.

Sam turned away, decided to pull his shorts and t-shirt over top.

Tracy shook her head as soon as she saw him, “Sam, you can’t wear those.”

“I have to wear them. It's too embarrassing.”

Tracy held up the contract. “You agreed to participate, Sam. Work with me. I promise you’ll be surprised by the amount of progress you make. Maxus Corp has worked for fifty years to perfection our training regime.”

“Yeah?” Sam asked, “Then why haven’t I heard about you?”

Tracy shrugged, “Our company is very exclusive. Rich people pay top dollar to work with us. They get advantages less fortunate people could never hope to purchase.”

“Then why am I here?" Sam asked, "I’m not rich or exclusive.”

Tracy didn't look happy. "I met someone I thought I could help."

"I do need help." It felt good to say that.

“Contracts work both ways Sam. We give you something and get something in return.” Tracy’s resolve appear to be reaching a boiling point. “Take off the clothes.”

“People will stare.”

Tracy shook her head. “Didn’t you literally move here yesterday? Why do you care what people think? It's not like they know you.”

Sam sighed, “That’s true.”

“Take off the clothes and you get to ride this.” She patted the bike's seat. Tracy stared at Sam. She pulled out a tape measure and started measuring Sam’s body, occasionally stopping to type into an electronic device.

Sam asked, “What are you doing?”

“Making final adjustments to fit the bike to your frame.” After each measurement she typed into a small datapad, then pulled out a hex wrench and adjusted the seat and handlebars, “It won’t take long.”

"OK." Sam nodded and began to remove his oversized shirt.

Tracy pointed to the nearby table. “Put those on when you're done.”

On the table sat Maxus branded biking shoes, gloves, and a helmet.

Sam pulled the gloves, “How do you know my sizes?”

“I’m good at my job, Sam. How do those tights feel?”

Sam stood. "Good.” Better than good but he wasn't going to tell Tracy. All hints of soreness left his legs.

“You get to keep everything if we pull off a miracle Saturday. The gloves, the helmet, the clothes. Even the bike.”

Sam looked down at his flabby body. “Unlikely.” It would take years worth of weeks to fix his flabby body but every journey has to start somewhere. “You said you could fix my bike.”

“Of course. Put your bike in my van. I’ll take it to our workshop after we finish here. Our specialists will put a rush on it.”

“Sounds good.” Sam smiled as he walked to his car. He’d get his bike fixed and get to spend a week with a pretty girl. All in all, a good trade for some humble pie.

“Are you ready to start?”

Sam took a deep breath. “As ready as I can be.”

“Great.” Tracy pointed to a spot next to the picnic table.“ “We’ll start with some light stretching.”

Sam couldn’t remember the last time he stretched, “Stretching?”

“A good warm-up is the best way to prepare your body before a ride. It helps avoid injuries and allows me to push you harder.”

“OK…” He’d never found stretching useful but Tracy was the pro.

He sat on the grass next to Tracy, and tried to imitate her flexibility. He failed badly.

“Close your eyes.”

“OK.” Sam did as she asked.

“Take a deep breath. In …”

Sam took a deep breath.

“Good. Now let it out.”

Sam breathed out. His thoughts turned to his new job. He had a safe position in St. Louis. This one came with no guarantees.

“In … and out.”

Sam took a breath. It was ridiculous coming to this city.

“Focus Sam. In … and out.”

So much time had passed…

“Better. In … and out.”

Sam’s mind drifted to thoughts of his bike rides back in the day. He pedaled for hours as he became one with his bike. Miles passed without thought.

“In … and out.”

“In … and out.”

“In … and out.”

“Sam?”

Sam opened his eyes and looked at his feet. His legs stretched further than seemed possible. He looked up.

“Ready to go?” Tracy stood over him, holding the new bike.

“Sorry. I fell asleep.”

Tracy smiled. “Want to give it a go?”

Sam smiled back as he stood. “Yeah.”

The bike was a black composite material with purple markings. It had to be made out of some material other than his carbon fiber like his bike. It felt as light as a feather. A spin of the tires showed no hint of imbalance. A check of the break created immediate stopping power and no squeaks. The front of the bike held an impressive looking cycling computer and under the seat was a saddlebag full of tools. A check of the undercarriage showed an air pump, and two full water bottles.

“It’s a beautiful machine.”

“I told you. We ride the best.” Tracy handed him several Maxus branded energy bars. “You’re going to need those. Put them in the jersey pockets. Are you ready for a test run? Let’s see how the bike fits.”

“Yeah.” Sam put his left toe on a cleat, the rest of his body pivoting over the frame with an ease impossible the day before. Sam clicked his right foot into the cleat. The bike felt perfect.

Tracy called out, “Go once around the parking lot.”

Sam had pedaled twice before Tracy made her request. “Way ahead of you.” The bike obeyed his command at once.

“Slow down,Sam. Ease into it!” Sam didn’t listen. He was halfway across the parking lot then leaned into a tight turn. The bike turned on dime allowing him to pedal hard towards the start. He couldn’t help a big smile as he stopped, “That was incredible!”

“Every Maxus bike is custom made.”

Sam did some calculations in his head. He’d spent $1,500 on his bike, but it was nothing compared to a custom job. $15,000 … $50,000 … more? “Can we get started?”

Tracy laughed. “What happened to the shy guy who said he couldn’t do this?”

Sam stood on the pedals, “He hadn’t tried this bike. It’s amazing.”

Tracy gave a knowing look. “Good to hear. We’re going to start slow with a little base work.” She mounted her bike with ease, her feet attaching to the cleats without looking. “Follow me…if you can.”

Sam watched Tracy speed off at a moderate pace. He re-clipped his toe in the cleat and took off to catch her. It didn’t take long.

Tracy had a grin on her face when she turned. “Stay in my draft. Concentrate on staying within a few feet of my back tire.”

Sam nodded. He’d ridden in a peloton many times and knew how it helped to conserve energy. The pair fell into a nice cadence as their speed increased. He focused on his legs. Smooth easy strokes.

Tracy increased her speed. Sam focused on his breathing.

“Stay within yourself, Sam.”

"I'm trying."

Tracy turned and shouted, “Everything ok back there??”

Sam nodded, afraid to speak.

Sam always loved the feeling on a bike. For a time he’d considered getting serious but then college ended and dreams of adventure fell into the humdrum demands of the business world. The wind in his hair brought it all back. There was something primal about being in nature on a beautiful day, speeding along under your own power.

People who never rode didn’t appreciate the little things in nature. A fifteen mile-per-hour cooling breeze became a thirty mile-per-hour gale if you hit it head on. The hills few noticed in cars looked like a mountain on a bike.

But the downhills were worth it.

Tracy’s voice rang in his ears as they screamed around a turn. “Remember to breathe.”

Sam took a deep breath, Remembering Tracy’s instructions.

“In … and out.”

“In … and out.”

“In … and out.”

“Sam?”

Sam shook his head and noticed they had stopped under a shade tree.

Sam shouted, “What’s wrong? I thought things were going well.”

“You need to eat more.”

Sam shook his head as he patted his belly. “I need to lose some weight.”

Tracy shook her head. “You said you used to ride a lot so you know how it feels to bonk out and I’m not carrying you back to your car. You’ve got to keep eating.”

“I will. It’s only been …” Sam looked down at his cycling computer. It showed a few minutes after noon. “What the hell? It feels like we rode for fifteen minutes.”

“Did you go into a zone?”

Sam shook his head again. “It seemed so effortless.”

Tracy smiled. “I told you our equipment is good but it helps when I’m training someone with natural talent.”

Sam couldn’t take his eyes off the odometer. “I can’t believe we rode 35 miles. I couldn’t do 10 yesterday.”

Tracy smiled, “I told you I’m good.” She handed him a foil packet with the name Maxus written across the front.

“What’s this?”

“It’s energy gel. Concentrated carbs. Make sure you drink water with it.”

Sam ripped open the foil and squirted some into his mouth. “Wow … that’s nasty. It tastes like paste!”

Tracy asked, “Did you add water?”

“No.”

“Add water. It tastes better.”

Sam squirted water into his mouth then added a little gel. He swallowed then choked out a response. “Not much better.”

Tracy grinned. “It’s not made for taste. Eat it all. You need it. Once you’re done we’ll do some more stretching. I’ve pushed you hard today, but I know you can do more.”

Sam sucked down the gel, gagging a bit as he joined Tracy under a nearby tree. His legs screamed in protest but this time he found he could almost mimic Tracy’s pose. “Ready to breathe?”

Sam nodded and closed his eyes.

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“Sam?”

Tracy stood over him.

“Ready to go?”

Sam nodded as he got to his feet. “Yeah ... sorry ... I keep zoning out.”

The pair sped off, taking the same positions as before. Tracy rode in front. Sam focused on her rear. This time, Sam found it easier to slip into the zone.

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“Sam?”

Sam shook his head when he saw his car. “We’re back?”

The odometer showed they’d gone 63.4 miles.

Tracy nodded. “We need to stretch. You’ve done well for the first day, but we need to cool down or you’re going to feel it tomorrow.”

Sam sat. Tracy didn’t vary her routine much and he’d gotten the basics by now. As she led him through a series of stretches, he did the quick math. They started about 9:30 and now it was almost 3PM.. Adding in a rest break put their speed around thirteen miles-per-hour. This was nothing compared to the speeds he achieved in college but that took years of practice.

“Good start.” Tracy stood above him, “Are you ok to get home?”

Sam felt dizzy but nodded, “Yeah.”

Tracy pointed at the picnic table. It held a few extra boxes with a Maxus label.

“Everything on the table is yours. Inside you’ll find clothing, energy drinks and a few training aids you might find useful. Remember to drink lots of energy drinks and carbs to build your glucose reserve.”

Sam nodded.

Tracy asked, “Meet here at 9AM tomorrow?”

Sam nodded again.

“Good.” Tracy smiled. “I’ve got to get to the office to file your paperwork and analyze today’s results. Everything good?”

Sam nodded a third time. He watched Tracy jump into her van and speed off before attempting to stand.

Sweaty clothes lined Sam’s path through Tommy’s house. The bubbles of the hot tub felt heavenly when he jumped in. He had no idea how long he lay there when the first twitch began.

It started in his thigh and didn’t take long until it graduated to full-blown muscle spasms through both legs. Sam limped naked through the house when the nausea hit. He started to run when he realized he wouldn’t make it otherwise. He dove for the toilet as he entered the bathroom, the contents of his stomach coming out in a sudden rush.

“Bleeechh…” Sam groaned. “Nasty.”

His body hugged the cool floor until the feeling rose causing him to rise and repeat the process until nothing remained but the retching. He lay on the floor for another hour until it felt safe to stand. When he did, he found his lower intestines decided to join in on the fun.

Sam had no idea how long he sat on the toilet. A look in the mirror showed a person he barely recognized anymore.

Why had he allowed himself to get so out of shape?

Sam waited and waited until it felt safe to stand, laughing as he walked naked through the house. It was a good thing Tommy was out of town. He could only imagine what he’d say.

Knowing solid food out of the question, Sam found the case of Maxus energy drink on the dining room table. Sam cracked open a bottle, and drank it down in a few gulps.

Sam nodded, “Not bad.”

The second bottle tasted better.

When he opened the third, his dehydrated body continued to soak it up like a sponge.

This wasn't the first time he’d gotten sick after bike ride. Overexertion mixed with a lack of calories can play havok on a person's body. “So dumb.” Tracy was right. He wondered what the ghost in this house's walls might say if they saw him now. Tommy would say something sarcastic. And then there was Danielle. She and Tommy had bought the house right after college. Tommy said she’d been gone for a year but Sam could feel her presence.

A look in Tommy’s bedroom showed a large king sized bed, much bigger than a single person needed for sleep. The surrounding furniture had a definite feminine vibe. The wall next to the bathroom showed the image of a woman in a simple frame.

It had been years since Sam had seen a picture of Danielle but it looked like she hadn’t aged a day. Blonde hair. Blue eyes. Perfect teeth. Tommy never stood a chance.

Sam knew he shouldn’t but he opened the closet door anyway. Rows of expensive suits, dress shirts, khaki pants, and golfing shirts filled most of the interior. No one needed this much clothing but Tommy bought it to fill the void. In between suits of blue, black and gray, Sam saw a hint of color. Closer inspection showed large blue nightgown hanging near the back. It would look good on Danielle but she could look good in anything. Removing it would be a betrayal of trust beyond any friendship.

“Fuck it.”

Sam crept like a thief through the garage to find his things. The box he needed was in the middle of it all, placed in one box, sitting inside another box.

He didn’t dare look at the pictures as he made his way through the house. He didn’t dare look at himself in the mirror as he placed the items from his makeup case on the counter.

“My last time.” Sam said,

As he finished, an ocean’s worth of guilt washed over him. He'd do better tomorrow.

Sam woke in a panic. He’d expected soreness, but nothing like this.

Pain radiated from every limb, the worst centered on his chest. It wasn’t much of a surprise considering how many times he’d puked but it took all his energy to retrieve his cell phone from the bedside table.

When he picked it up he shouted, “Shit.” Tracy never gave her number.

His body needed a good three-hour soak, but the clock showed 8:30AM and he didn’t want to be late. It took five minutes to crawl to the kitchen and another five to put on a pair of clean biking tights. He started to pull the jersey over his chest when the pain hit.

“Ouch … ouch … ouch.”

The pain in his chest wouldn’t stop.

It took Sam a minute to regain his feet, a look in the hallway mirror showed his face had regained its color. A look at his chest showed it raw and blistered.

“Rookie mistake.”

He once learned how to avoid this through many blustery fall days riding his bike. The best way to avoid chafing was a good slathering of vaseline on each nipple. Now… the only thing that could prevent more pain lay at the bottom of a quarry in St. Louis. Unless…

Sam picked up the box of Maxus gear and turned it upside down allowing the contents to fall to the floor. Inside he found a week’s worth of biking tights, pullovers, jerseys, socks, and biking caps piled on the ground along with a smaller box which sounded solid as it hit the pile. The last item to fall out was a sports bra.

Sam snatched it with an eagerness he tried to ignore, pressing the satin-looking material against his face. Its material felt as soft as it looked.

It pulled on easily, the bra caressing his sore nipples like a cotton diaper might a baby's sore bottom. Another tug pulled the bra taut, a reverse show of the technology displayed a day earlier when his oversized butt and considerable belly fit into the pants and jersey much too small for him. This time, when Sam pulled the jersey into place, he saw no signs of the bra underneath.

This disguise would surely hold for the five minutes while he told Tracy the bad news. He was in no shape to ride today. He’d spend a day in the hot tub instead.

Tracy sat on her bike when Sam arrived.

“Sorry I’m late, Tracy. I’m in no shape to ride.”

Tracy frowned, “Are you sure?”

Sam nodded. “I was sick most of the night. I feel terrible.”

Tracy shrugged. “Well. If you can’t go … you can’t go. But I insist we do some stretching. Stretching and breathing can help a body heal."

Sam looked back to his car. ““I guess.” Tracy sat under a nearby tree. When Sam tried to do the same, sharp pains shot through his core.

“Aiirrrgghh!”

Tracy nodded, “Wow. It sounds like you are in real pain.”

Sam shouted back, “I told you!”

Tracy stood and Sam tried to do that same but his legs wouldn’t move.

Tracy said, “Stay there. I think a deep tissue massage might work wonders.”

Sam shrugged, “I’m not going anywhere.” Sam felt Tracy’s hands on his shoulders, a sudden panic rising when he remembered the straps.

“Tracy … I uhh …”

Tracy pressed deeper, the mix of pain and pleasure causing a rise. “Relax Sam. Close your eyes.”

Sam nodded and closed his eyes.

“Deep breaths. In and out. We need to get rid of the toxins in your muscles.” Tracy’s finger pressed deep into the muscles of Sam’s upper back.

Sam tried to breath but the pain grew too much. “Aiirrrggg!”

Tracy asked, “How many energy drinks did you consume last night?”

Sam shrugged, “Three, I think.”

Tracy nodded. “Drink more tonight, even if you feel full. At least five or six.”

“I’m trying to lose weight, Tracy.”

“You’ve lost weight, Sam. At least a few pounds. You worked hard yesterday. The plan was to work harder today.”

Sam took a deep breath as he sucked in his belly. “You think I’ve lost weight?”

Tracy pressed her hands into Sam’s shoulders.

“Aiiiigggghhh! That hurt.”

Tracy spoke with an calm tone. “Breath Sam. Listen to the sound of my voice.”

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

Everything faded into black.

“Sam!”

Sam opened his eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” He saw his legs seated in a yoga pose but hesitated to move for fear of pain.

“Get up, Sam. Let’s see if it worked.”

Sam moved a leg. It didn’t hurt. Neither did his back or his arms or his chest.

Tracy asked, Are you sure you can’t ride today? A short ride would work out the kinks. It’s your call.”

Sam pressed a hand on his stomach. Maybe it did feel smaller. “You say it looks like I’ve lost a few pounds?”

“Five or six by my guess. No pain, no gain.” She smiled, “Or in your case, no pain, no loss.”

Sam shook his head. Tracy might have a talent with bikes but he was no stand up comic, “I’ll get the bike.”

It did feel great to be riding again. The weather was perfect. The bike was perfect. The trail was smooth. Sam stayed a few feet behind Tracy’s tire, soon falling into a rhythmic cadence. He’d always thought a good bike ride was like an out-of-body experience. He spent much of the ride staring down at himself, only stopping when he noticed Tracy’s tire slowing.

A look at the odometer showed they’d ridden 61.2 miles and they’d gone for over 3 hours, an average speed of almost 20 miles an hour!

“Tracy I’m not sure what’s in those supplements but it’s amazing. I’m riding as fast as ever. Whatever you are doing, you have my endorsement.”

She gave a mocking grin, “I’m sure my bosses will be thrilled to hear it.” She handed him a package of Energy Gel. “Remember. Wash it down with plenty of water.”

Sam squirted half the tube into his mouth then squirted in a bunch of water.

Sam shook his head. “This is so gross. Do you ever get used to the taste?”

“Not really.” Tracy shook her head. “How do you feel?”

Sam moved his legs up and down. “Other than eating this stuff, I feel great. Whatever you’re putting into your products, you should market it more. It’s amazing.”

Tracy nodded, “Our supplements can only enhance natural ability, Sam.”

Sam laughed. He’d slung a lot of BS to get a sale in his time. “Do you think I’ll sleep better tonight?”

Tracy smiled, “Drink lots of liquids.”

“I will.”

Tracy put on her helmet and jumped on her bike, “You ready to head back?”

Sam made a face as he swallowed the last of the energy paste. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Tracy waved as her van sped away. She had more reports and more meetings. They’d spent almost seven hours training and Sam didn’t feel a thing.

He was halfway home when the first twitch hit. He downed an energy drink as soon as he entered the house but that made things worse.

“Oh god!”

Sam ran through the house, taking off his clothing as the cramps continued, finding a kneeling position on the bathroom floor as he waited for the inevitable.

He emerged two hours later, his body feeling stretched and torn. Drinking another energy drink didn’t require a trip to the bathroom which was progress though a look in the refrigerator at solid food made him want to puke.

“I'll eat tomorrow.”

As he finished off a third energy drink without feeling better, Sam decided to look for alternatives. Tommy’s medicine cabinet contained all the usual pills. Sam took one of each, though none seemed promising. A check of the smaller Maxus box he'd found in the morning provided better results. A look inside showed athletic creme, more nasty energy gel, sunless tanning lotion, healing bubble bath, resistance bands, stretching straps, and a pair of arch stretchers.

Sam didn’t give it much thought as he grabbed the bottle of bubble bath and headed for the hot tub.

The whirlpool jets felt great on his body as the warmth penetrated his skin. He basked in the jets for a few seconds before adding a small portion of bubble bath. As the suds grew, Sam felt his anxiety build.

Fighting his fear, Sam lay back hoping the healing mixture might do something. He focused on his breathing…

‘In and out.’

‘In and out.’

‘In and out.’

Sam woke to find the jets had stopped. When he stood, the night air felt cold and a brownish-black mass floated on top of the water.

“What the fuck…” As he looked down at his body, not a single hair stood.

In college, Sam had considered shaving his legs to help with his biking. He knew both bikers and swimmers shaved their legs. Swimmers to gain speed. Bikers to make an easier recovery from the inevitable road rash.

He knew a couple guys who’d done it but Sam never dared. He’d fought off all desire though four years of college as living in a dorm and then a fraternity had been a hell of his own making.

Sam stared down at his now hairless body. His pale legs looked better than he expected but he smiled as he picked up the bottle of sunless tanning spray.

The light of the moon gave an otherworldly to from the image staring back in the door's reflection. Sam stared at his hairless chest, nipples still puffy after two days of riding. In the gathering dark, the extra weight of the last ten years almost made them look like tiny breasts.

“If only.”

His clean-shaven skin glowed as Sam applied the tanning spray. He emptied most of the bottle, doing his best to keep it even as worked from head to toe. The liquid felt cold as it evaporated into his skin.

Sam took a last look at his reflection before heading inside. He smiled at Danielle’s nightgown as he entered the bedroom to gather his makeup case. “I’ll stop once Tommy returns to town.”

Tracy typed into a secure data pad. The message arrived in Amsterdam seconds later:
Subject more powerful than expected. Will continue training through the end of week. Suspicions confirmed -- data analysis will follow. Decision needed by Saturday at latest. Recommend subject upgrade to codename status: encrypt identity under codeword Chrysalis for all future communication. As normal channels have been compromised, recommend siloed access to select Oculus personnel.

Sam has hid from the world for most of his life but a chance encounter has burst everything open. Complications arise when an old acquaintance appears. Things may not be what they seem.

“Who the fuck are you?”

The woman’s voice sounded like a dream in Sam’s head. Then he heard her shout again.

“And what the fuck are you doing in my house?”

Sam jumped out of bed. A petite blonde stood in the doorway.

“Danielle?” Tommy's ex-wife looked like she hadn't aged a day since college.

Danielle gave him a curious look before breaking into a smile. “Are you wearing my nightgown?”

Sam looked down. Shit. “I can explain.”

Danielle shook her head. “No need. I’m not an idiot.”

Sam hurried across the floor, seeing himself in the mirror as he walked. The nightgown didn’t cover much, his frame was too big for the silken woman’s garment. Bronze skin covered him from head to toe. The remains of last night’s make-up covered his face. Between the folds of the nightgown stood the biggest hard-on Sam remembered in a long time.

“It’s not what you think.”

Danielle grinned, “I’m guessing it’s exactly what I think. Good dream, princess?”

“Screw you, Danielle.”

She laughed, her eyes looking at Sam’s face then drifting again to Sam’s waist, “You’re certainly got the tool to back up that statement.”

“Fuck you.”

“Come on, Sam. This is the first time you’ve seen me in ten years and that’s your best insult?” The look on Danielle’s face showed a person having fun. “I know the things you said about me to your frat buddies in college. I know you can do better.”

Sam looked at himself in the mirror. “I … uhh ... ”

“Tell you what …” Danielle put a finger to her lips. “... you’re still half asleep.” Her face softened, “You go take a shower. I’ll make breakfast. Deal?”

Sam tried to think of a witty response as she turned around and disappeared down the hall.

The shower felt great as Sam watched the color on his face washing down the drain. “Are those … abs?” Sam couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen his stomach. Probably never.

“What the hell is going on!?!?”

No one could puke as much as he had the last few days and not lose a little weight but the changes he’d experience belonged in the realm of make believe. Despite this, as Sam looked in the mirror he couldn’t help the smile forming on his face. A look at his legs showed a definition he hadn’t seen in years.

“This isn’t possible.” The improvement he saw in the mirror should have taken months or maybe a year but it wasn’t the only change. His hair was longer, and the irritation on his chest hadn’t gone away. In fact, it had gotten worse. He pressed a hand to his breast and winced in pain.

Even his dick looked bigger.

“I need to talk to Tracy.”

Danielle said, “You look good.”

Sam tried to think of something sarcastic to say in response but instead smiled at her compliment. Over the years, he’d learned the art of smiling even when it didn’t come naturally. The learned art of a false grin and a firm handshake closed many sales at his old company.

“Thanks.”

Danielle pointed to the dining room table which held two steaming cups of coffee. “Sit. I’m almost finished here.” As she finished her words the toaster popped up with four pieces of bread.

The clock showed 8:15AM. “I need to leave soon.”

Danielle nodded. “Me too. The scrambled eggs are almost done.”

“So Danielle…” Sam said, “... about what you saw in the bedroom.”

“I apologize for calling you princess. It was out of line.”

“Can you not be a bitch … what?.” Sam blushed, expecting Danielle to say something different.

Danielle turned over an egg frying in the skillet. “Have you told Tommy?”

Sam took a sip of coffee. “Told him what?”

“Come on Sam.” Sam noticed Danielle staring at his chest. “You always looked effeminate. I always assumed you were gay.”

Sam said, “I’m not gay.”

“I know that now.” She stared at Sam with a look that verged on pity.

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not.” Danielle placed a plate full of eggs and bacon on the table in front of Sam. “Tommy is a better cook than me but I’m not half bad. Dig in.”

Sam closed his eyes as the smell of bacon filled the air. He’d barely eaten since Tommy left town and it did smell good. He took one bite and then another. “This is good.” He didn’t say another word until he cleaned the plate.

“Do you want the rest of mine? I can’t finish this.” Danielle grabbed a piece of bacon then pushed the plate towards Sam.

Sam stuck a fork in the eggs then grabbed the remaining pieces of bacon stuffing both in his mouth. Danielle watched the display without comment.

“Sorry. I’m really hungry.”

“So it seems.”

Sam said, “I’ve been bike riding the last few days. I’m going again today.”

She pointed at Sam’s tight fitting jersey. “Maxus? That’s top end stuff.”

“You know them?”

Danielle nodded. “I’ve worked with them in the past. You meet all sorts of interesting people in the consulting business. How’d you meet them?”

“Lucky coincidence. I met one of their reps in the park. She’s been helping me.” Sam looked at the clock. “Matter of fact, I need to leave soon to meet her.”

“That’s too bad … I’d love to catch up.”

Sam nodded, “Me too.” His voice sounded more genuine than he could believe.

“I gotta ask one thing before you go.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s up with putting the bubble bath in the hot tub? You do know that’s not a good idea.”

Shit. Sam had forgot about the mess he’d left. “I can explain.”

Danielle smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I called the hot tub guy. He’’ll be out later today to fix it.”

“You did?”

“What are friends for?”

“Danielle… we’re not…”

“Look Sam, I know you don’t like me. I understand. I always suspected your feelings for Tommy were more than as friends. I love him even if things didn’t work out in our marriage and I know you’re his friend.” Danielle held out her hand. “Do you think … maybe … you and I can be friends too?”

Sam took her hand on instinct. Danielle’s firm grip belied her small nature.

“We should start over.” Danielle smiled, “Hi. I’m Danielle. What’s your name?”

Sam shook back. “Hi Danielle. I’m Sam.”

Danielle nodded. “I’m glad I came over today.”

Sam asked, “Why did you come over today?”

“I had to pick up a few things.”

Sam’s suspicion rose, “What did you come to get? This isn’t your house.”

“Who told you this isn’t my house?” Danielle thought for a second then laughed. “Tommy. Of course.”

“Yeah … I mean … this house isn’t his?”

“We’re separated, not divorced. I came here because I needed to pick up a few things from the garage and I heard he was out of town.”

“Oh.” Sam stared at Danielle. It was easy to see why Tommy fell for her. So pretty. So smart. And separated … not divorced? Sam wasn’t the only one living in this house with a secret.

Sam looked at the clock and finished his coffee then stood up and started heading towards the front door, “I hate to eat and run but I do need to leave.”

“Ohhh … ok.” Danielle frowned as she started putting dishes in the sink. Sam almost made it to the door when she spoke again, “Hey Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“You never answered the question. Does Tommy know?” She didn’t need to specify details. Sam knew without asking.

“No.”

Danielle nodded, “It’ll be our secret then.”

Sam said, “Thanks, Danielle. I appreciate it.”

“Of course, Sam. It was good to see you.”

Sam arrived ten minutes late and found Tracy sitting on her bike next to two other riders. Sam pulled the bike from his trunk and hurried to join them.

Tracy gave him a queer look as her eyes scanned his body, “I was getting worried about you.”

Sam returned a sheepish grin. He'd gone through a lot of changes in the past few days. “We need to talk.”

“Of course.” Sam thought he saw a hint of a smile. Tracy pointed, “This is one of my co-workers, Crystal.”

Sam waved a gloved hand.

A beautiful blonde woman waved back, “Nice to meet you, Sam.” She pointed to the woman next to her. “This is Aimee. She’s racing against you this weekend. I thought it might be fun if we trained together.”

Aimee didn’t look up as she returned a shy wave. Sam looked at Tracy but her face betrayed no emotion.

“Do you think I’m up to it, Tracy?”

“There’s only one way to find out.” She passed him a couple of energy drinks, a packet of gel, and a handful of power bars.

Sam’s full stomach rumbled at the sight of more food. “Do you mind if we do some stretching?”

Tracy smiled then looked at Crystal, “Of course. We’ll spread out by the picnic table.”

Sam set his bike by the table, and tried to ignore the jealous stares of passersby. All three women were gorgeous. Their presence started another unconscious response which presented an immediate problem as he sat in biking tights. Crystal smiled as they started their stretch forcing Sam to close his eyes. He’d never been good with women. He’d never been good at talking to one let alone three. Tracy's melodic voice brought a sense of calm. Sam felt a familiar falling sensation. When he opened his eyes, Tracy and Crystal stood over him.

“Are you ready to go?”

Sam found himself sitting in a full lotus position, his impending problem now disappeared. Sam took a bite of his energy bar, then looked at Aimee as she went through a series of standing stretches.

She didn’t look like much at first glance when compared to Crystal or Tracy. She appeared to be in her early twenties, shorter than him at around 5’6” tall and couldn’t weigh more than 120 lbs. She had brunette hair, though her head scarf made it impossible to tell the length. And while he’d dismissed her at first, Sam now saw the telltale legs of a well-tuned biker.

“Have you biked long?”

Aimee looked over, giving an almost embarrassed reply. “Um.. yeah… for about 15 years.”

“Wow, you must have started young. I didn’t start riding until I was in college.”

Aimee nodded and her voice was soft, “Yeah ... I started early.”

A look at Tracy and Crystal showed the two in heated discussion. “Have you been in many races?”

Aimee’s face brightened as she spoke. “I ran in the junior circuits. I got ranked for a while. I rode with a professional team in college but it eventually quit.”

“Yeah.” Sam took a deep breath. “I’m trying to get back in shape. Tracy has been a great help. Have you worked with Crystal for a long time?”

Aimee gave him an uncomfortable stare then looked over at Crystal, who was headed towards them.

“Are you two ready to roll?”

Aimee stood and Sam did the same. “Ready when you are.”

Tracy joined seconds later. “Crystal is going to lead the pack followed by Aimee, then me, and Sam in the rear.”

Crystal laughed. “I’d take Sam in the rear.”

Both Sam and Aimee blushed. Tracy didn’t look happy.. “I told you Crystal … if we’re going to do this, you need to behave.”

“Sorry.” Crystal didn’t look sorry.

Sam smiled to himself as he took his spot at the rear of the peloton. The group started slow and gathered speed as they went. Men passing on bikes from the other direction didn’t hide their stares. A couple even stopped and called out. A few unfortunates tried to catch them but to no avail. Sam could hardly blame them for their efforts. All three women ahead of him were good looking in their own way but Crystal in the lead drew the most attention. She had platinum blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail, and her body looked ready for a runway. She was the tallest of the three, at least 5’9” though her body had the lithe look of someone that exercised a lot. Oddly, she’d decided to wear makeup for the ride. The combination made her stand out.

“Focus Sam.”

Tracy’s voice rang in his head. He’d fallen two bike lengths behind the pack.

“Listen to my voice.”

Sam tried to catch the trio but they started moving faster. Panic set it as a breeze hit. Tracy’s voice gave him strength.

“Focus. Relax. Smooth.”

He picked up his cadence, shifting the gears to move faster. The image of Crystal fell from his mind as his cadence got smoother. He focused on Tracy’s back tire as things fell into place. His mind fell into a familiar zone as his feet moved faster and faster.

“Sam?”

Sam looked up to see they’d returned to the parking lot. A check of his pockets showed he’d eaten both energy bars and energy gel. A check of the odometer showed they had gone 124 miles at an average speed of 24mph.

“Holy shit!”

“Calm down, Sam. Don’t make a scene.”

He had never ridden that fast for that long, even in college. Sam whispered under his voice. “We need to talk. There’s something happening.”

Tracy nodded, “I know.” She looked over at Crystal who was walking towards them. “Not now.”

Crystal asked, “Do you want to join us for dinner tonight?”

Crystal loosened her head band, allowing long blonde locks to fall past her shoulders. Sam felt himself harden when she smiled at him. It’d been years since he’d been seen in public with a woman let alone three.

Tracy said, “We can’t. We’re training.”

“You aren’t training all night.” Crystal opened an energy drink and winked at Sam as she gave it to him.

“I’ve got Sam on a tight schedule and my plan doesn’t include you Crystal.”

Crystal laughed playfully then tousled her hair, “Are you his jailer, Tracy? We’re at the Claremont hotel if you want to have some fun, Sam. You can find us at the bar.”

Sam took a sip of the oddly flavored drink. It had a strong taste of pineapple and another flavor he couldn’t quite place. A second drink made him shiver and as he puckered his lips. His problem down below grew a bit more.

Tracy said, “Not happening Crystal.”

“Why not?” Sam spoke without thinking.

“See, Tracy? Sam wants to join us. We could get some dinner and then have some drinks after. Let’s say we meet around 6PM in the lobby?”

Sam nodded. He’d come to Chicago looking for change. Dinner and drinks with a woman like Crystal was too good to pass up. He’d need to get pictures or Tommy would never believe it. “Sounds like fun. Can I get your number, Crystal?”

“Of course.” She pushed a button and a second later Sam got a notification. “I’m sending a couple of pictures too.”
Sam looked at his phone and blushed. Crystal was anything but shy.

Tracy’s face clouded as she stared at Sam, “You’re at a critical stage in your training, Sam. This is not a good idea. Remember, you told me we need to talk about the effects of your training.” Tracy’s gaze lingered on the energy drink in Sam’s hand.

“Oh, yeah.” Sam nodded, “Sorry, Crystal. I don’t have any clothes to wear.”

Crystal nodded, “Makes sense. Our workouts are famous for rapid weight loss. Maybe you could convince Tracy to take you shopping.”

Tracy said, “We don’t have time for clothes shopping, Crystal.”

“Huh…” Crystal smiled, “If you don’t have time then Aimee and I could get you something. I bet I can guess your size. Do you want to go shopping, Aimee?”

Aimee returned an awkward shrug.

Crystal grinned. “It’s a plan then. You two finish your training. We’ll meet at the hotel with some clothes. 6PM sound good?”

Sam said, “Sounds fun.”

Tracy sighed. “6PM?”

Sam watched Crystal speed off. He knew he’d upset Tracy but didn’t care as he took another sip of the energy drink.

Tracy watched Crystal as well, only speaking when she’d left their sight. “Crystal can’t be trusted.”

“She seemed nice.”

“She’s too nice.” Tracy grabbed the drink in Sam’s hand.

“Hey … I wasn’t finished with that.”

“Oh yes, you are.” She poured it on the ground. “Stay away from Camitas brand drinks.”

Sam stared at the label. It had the word Camitas written in script across the top with a hand-drawn picture of a run-down colonial villa. A beautiful woman stood on the front porch. “Is Maxus different?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It’s not the right time to talk about this Sam. Do you trust me?”

Sam said, “I’m trusting you less and less.”

Tracy sighed as she stared at the problem between Sam’s legs. “Go take care of that so we can finish today’s training.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nevermind.” Tracy shook her head. “Forget it. Men and their penises. It makes them so easy to manipulate. You’re clearly in no shape for any more training. We should get to the hotel ASAP.”

“So we’re going out tonight?”

Tracy said, “Only dinner. No drinks.”

“Thank you … thank you … thank you …” Sam shouted at the top of his lungs. “You’re the best Tracy. Do you know the last time I’ve gone out with a woman?”

Tracy sighed, “I’m sure it’s been a long time.”

As stared at Tracy, he felt a twitch in his thigh. “Oh shit.”

“Feeling sick?” Tracy gave Sam a knowing smile.

Sam nodded.

“I was afraid of that.” Tracy said, “Put your bike in my van. You’re in no shape to drive.”

Sam ran to Tracy’s van. By the time they left the parking lot, the spasms had started.

Tracy said, “Calm yourself. Remember your breathing.”

Sam nodded.

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

“In and out.”

Tracy parked under the hotel’s front entrance, and helped Sam through the lobby. The familiar feeling of queasiness hit when they got into the elevator.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it.”

Tracy said, “You’ll make it. Keep your focus.”

The pair sprinted down the hallway, Tracy pressed open the door in a flash.

Sam dove for the toilet as the first wave of nausea hit. He tried to keep it as quiet as he could with Tracy listening in the next room. The process took over an hour. His embarrassment kept him in for a few minutes more. When it felt safe, Sam exited to find Tracy seated on the bed.

“All done?”

Sam reddened, “I think so.”

Tracy passed Sam a Maxus energy drink. “Drink this. It will make you feel better.”

“I thought you said energy drinks were bad.”

“Camitas is different.”

Sam stared at Tracy. “What does that mean?”

“You’ve got to trust me.”

Sam said, “You ask for trust but you don’t tell me anything. Something weird is happening to my body. I’ve lost an impossible amount of weight and you won’t explain it.”

Tracy shook her head, “I have reasons Sam. The sickness was one of the reasons I didn’t want to go to dinner tonight.”

“You’ve known I’ve been getting sick all week?”

“Of course.” Tracy nodded, “Maxus training is intense. We use the latest tech. The energy gel I’ve been giving you is a specialized elixir meant to induce rapid weight loss. Vomiting is one of the side effects.” Tracy paused a second, “Getting sick is how fat cells leave your body.”

“Uggh. So gross.” Sam took another sip of energy drink hoping to get the taste out of his mouth.

"Sorry." Tracy shrugged. “It’s how it works.”

Sam looked down at his stomach. It looked like he’d lost a little more weight. It was hard to be mad when looking at the results. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“In my experience the training goes easier if the subject doesn’t know. You know the old saying – sometimes it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.” Tracy put her arm around Sam. “If you’d known, you would have spent our rides the last few days worrying about vomiting and that would have affected the training.”

“I thought you lived in Chicago.” Sam looked around the room. It was clear Tracy had been living here for a while. “You didn’t tell me you were staying in a hotel room.”

Tracy said, “I didn’t lie to you, Sam. You assumed and I didn’t bother to correct you. I’m from Boston.”

“Boston?” Sam gave a surprised look, "You don’t sound like you’re from Boston.”

“I’ve lived in a lot of places, Sam. Do you want to know my life story?”

“Sure.”

“Not happening. At least not today.” Tracy put her hand on Sam’s shoulder, “Look … I travel for business a lot. I’m sorry for not telling you the whole truth. Trust me. I have my reasons.”

Sam asked, “Should I assume you aren’t going to tell me the reasons before dinner?”

Tracy said, “It’s better that way.”

A knock on the door interrupted the conversation. Tracy burst in a few seconds later. Aimee followed behind holding a bag from a clothing store.

Crystal looked through the doorway to Sam, “I saw your van outside. I figured we’d stop by.”

Tracy glanced at Sam, “No problem. Sam and I were done chatting.”

Crystal barged into the room. “Great. Aimee brought some clothes I think you’ll like. We guessed on the size but it should be close.”

Sam looked at Tracy and gave him a shrug.

Sam took the bag from Aimee, not saying a word as he entered the bathroom. The dress pants were sized 32x34, eight inches thinner than the clothes he’d brought with him from St. Louis. Even so, the belt was the only thing to keep them from falling.

A look in the mirror showed a confused mess. His hair looked longer, his frame thinner, and his face different. Seeing the image gave a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach while his eyes focused on his chest. All the other things could be explained. The tiny bumps couldn’t.

He’d read numerous stories about girl’s breasts. He knew all about the Tanner stages. He’d spent countless nights laying awake in bed wondering if he should see a specialist to inquire about hormones so his outsides matched his insides.

Sam’s practical knowledge of a woman’s body was less thorough. He’d never dated a girl long enough to get an extensive understanding of her mammaries and yet somehow he felt different as he pressed the darkened areolas over and over.

A look in the mirror showed a person who could pass easily in this body with a little makeup.

“Are you done in there?” Crystal spoke in a sing-song voice.

Sam shouted back. “Almost.”

He pulled on the dress shirt which hung loose on his frame. A turn to the side showed the loose shirt made his ‘pecs’ impossible to see. Sam opened the door.

Crystal said, “Ready to go?”

Sam nodded but didn’t say a word.

Everyone in the bar waved at Crystal and Aimee as they passed as Tracy hurried him through the mob. She pointed to a private room in the back. “Go in there and don’t leave. I need to do something but I’ll be back soon.” Tracy looked at Crystal. “Remember your promise.”

Crystal said, “I remember.”

Crystal waved Aimee to their table and motioned to a bartender.

Crystal said, “How are you liking your training so far?”

Sam wasn’t sure what to say. “I’ve lost a lot of weight. The puking sucks.”

“I bet…” Crystal laughed, “It’s an unfortunate side effect of the training gel but the weight loss suits you.”

“Thanks.” Sam nodded, “You guys should market that stuff.”

The bartender arrived with four beers. Crystal passed one to Sam, “Selling it is complicated but you should ask Tracy. She can explain. She left me with clear instructions. I am not to interfere with your training or she’ll go to our CEO.”

Sam took a long pull on his beer. It tasted amazing. “This is really good.”

“Glad you like it.” Crystal’s smile grew bigger. “Camitas is huge out west. I got a job working for them out of college. I have a few friends in upper management. They stocked the bar for us so feel free to drink as many as you like. We’ve got plenty.”

Sam read the label. Camitas Beer. The picture showed the same old run-down house with a beautiful woman sitting on the porch. “Camitas? Wasn’t the energy drink you gave me made by these same people?”

“Yep. Same one.”

“They make beer and energy drinks? That’s an odd combo.” Sam placed an empty bottle on the table and picked up another.

“Maxus has a clothing line, makes bikes, energy bars, tanning lotion, and energy drinks. That’s an odd combo too.” As Crystal spoke the music blared from the next room, “It sounds like the party is starting early tonight.”

Sam said, “Maxus takes their competitions seriously.”

“You have no idea.” Crystal put her hand on Sam’s thigh. “Do you want to join them, Aimee?”

Aimee shook her head.

“It’ll be fun, Aimee. You should join the others.”

Aimee stood and looked at Sam. “Do you want to come with me?”

Sam felt Crystal move her hand further up his thigh. Crystal said, “I think Sam wants to stay here. Isn’t that right, Sam?”

Sam nodded his head while trying to keep under control.

Aimee gave Sam a look then sighed before turning away.

Sam asked, “Is Aimee okay?”

“She’s a bit of a stick in the mud, but she’s the best rider here. You saw that today.” Tracy’s hand began to move back and forth. “Unfortunately for her, this competition depends on more than riding skill.”

“It does?”

Crystal shrugged, “I’d say more but…”

“Yeah… yeah… I need to talk to Tracy.”

Crystal laughed a melodic laugh. “These competitions are important to the company. Maxus brings in our best salespeople for the race. Tracy is one of our best. You’ll have to talk to her to get details.” Crystal finished off her beer and held up two fingers to the bartender who promptly returned with two more, placing one in front of Sam.

Crystal drank half her bottle in a single pull then sucked on the bottle’s neck. “Of course ... if you and I go someplace private. I might be able to tell you a few things away from prying ears. Totally your choice, of course. No pressure from this gal.” Crystal moved her hand higher.

Crystal didn’t need to ask Sam twice. “Oh yeah … yeah. I’d like to go.”

Crystal smiled, grabbing her purse and both beers, then pointing to a back exit out of the bar. “Follow me.”

Sam’s heart skipped a beat. He knew Tracy would be furious but it had been a long time. No mortal man could stand up to this kind of assault from a girl as good looking as Crystal. Sam snuck through the back door which opened up in the lobby. People stared as he and Crystal walked through the lobby hanging on each other but he didn’t care. The elevator moved at a crawl between floors. Sam downed the rest of his Camitas as they waited.

Crystal smiled but said nothing. Eventually the doors opened.

She pointed him down the hall with a well-manicured finger. When they got in her room, Crystal handed him another Camitas. “Training is thirsty work, Sam. I’m sure Tracy has told you it is important for trainees to remain hydrated.”

Sam smiled, “I doubt she meant beer.”

Crystal lay on the bed, motioning with a finger for Sam to join her. Sam’s heart skipped a beat as he sat and unbuttoned his shirt. Sam closed his eyes as she began to massage his shoulders before removing the shirt completely. Her hands moved lower to his chest causing Sam to let out a soft moan.

“My .. my … aren’t we full of surprises. I see your training is ahead of schedule.”

Crystal’s lips felt amazing on his neck. He nearly lost control as she moved further down.

“Lay back.”

Sam did as she asked, seconds later the belt came off and then pants followed. Both stared at the tower standing between them.

“Move further on the bed.”

Sam shook his head as he followed her orders. “I haven’t done this in a long time.”

Crystal gave a reassuring look, “Don’t worry, Sam. I’m good at this.” The way she spoke reminded him of Tracy, but all coherent thoughts left him after Crystal pulled her dress over her shoulders. It didn’t seem possible a body so small could have breasts so big. He reached out to touch them.

“No … no.” Crystal smacked his hand. “Not yet.” She leaned forward allowing him to press against her belly. She continued to move forward until his member wedged itself between her tits. She moved forward and backward. Forward and backward. Forward and backward.

Sam begged, “Go slower … I can’t…”

“It’s ok, Sam. Let go.”

Sam did as she asked though it wasn’t like he had much choice. His pent up abstinence of the past decade let loose all at once all over her chest.

“Good … good.” Crystal said, grabbing Sam’s hands.

“What are you doing?”

“You want these?” Sam’s hands soon grew wet with a mixture of Crystal’s sweat and his own seed. Crystal moved Sam’s hand back and forth, until the mixture covered her breasts. “Lick them.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I can’t do that.”

Crystal wiggled her way up to make it easier for Sam to fondle her. “You can. According to the reports you’ve dreamed of little else for the past decade.”

“Reports? What reports?”

“Ask Tracy.”

“Tracy has reports on me?”

Crystal spoke as if reading from a paper. “Subject exhibits all the markers of gender dysphoria. Request permission for gender reassignment.” Crystal looked at Sam. “Tracy filed that report last night.”

Sam asked, “Tracy wants to turn me into a girl?”

Crystal said, “Her report said you wanted to be turned into a girl. Are you saying you don’t want that?”

“No … no ….” Sam shook his head, “I don’t know. Is that sort of thing even possible?”

“It looks like you’ve already started.” Crystal placed a finger on Sam’s nipple and moved it back and forth. “Or are you telling me you haven’t noticed this?”

Crystal moved Sam’s hands to his breast, causing a sticky mess. Crystal leaned forward and licked the area clean.

She smiled. “Now do me.”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because every guy deserves at least one good fuck in his life.” She smiled as she placed a hand between Sam’s legs. “A shame I didn’t find you first. We might have had a lot of fun together.”

Sam struggled to keep control. If someone had suggested to him a few days ago he would find himself in this position with a woman, any woman, but especially one as beautiful as Crystal, he would have called them crazy. As Crystal pressed herself forward, she moved his head to her breast.

Sam’s world exploded in a flash of color, the room taking on strange hues while bursts of light emanated from both Crystal and himself. Shouts of ecstasy filled his ears as the colors danced on. When Sam opened his eyes he found himself holding Crystal.

She cooed. “Was I good?”

Sam’s brain faded in and out like a wire with a short. “You were… amazing.”

Crystal beamed. “I never tire of hearing that.”

Sam didn’t notice the door open as Tracy entered. He didn’t hear the shouting when Crystal got up. He had no idea how long he lay there until Tracy’s voice shouted through the fog.

“Get dressed, Sam.”

Sam did as she asked but the smile wouldn’t leave his face.. Crystal smiled back as Sam walked to the door. Sam asked, “Will I see you tomorrow?”

Crystal shook her head, “Not unless Mommy lets you come out to play. Either way, I had a good time tonight. I hope you did too.” She winked at Tracy who slammed the door shut.

Tracy didn’t say a word as they walked to the elevator. Sam broke the silence. “I’m sorry Tracy. I didn’t think it would make you this mad. I wanted to do it.”

“I know. I’m disappointed, that’s all.”

“Oh.” Sam nodded, then thought about what he’d done. “Disappointed?” Sam had been overlooked his entire life. He’d always been the beta, never the alpha but now, in this body… “You know … we could … you know … do it … if you want.”

Sam’s comment caused Tracy to stop walking. “You think you and I should have sex??”

As Sam stared at Tracy, he saw a beauty he hadn’t noticed before. Her muscular legs, the lack of makeup, her short cropped hair. “Don’t you?”

Tracy’s guffaws caused people down the hall to turn around and look. “Get over yourself lover boy. We have a lot of things to discuss tonight and your actions have made everything much more complicated.”

Sam hid from the world for most of his life but a chance encounter burst everything open. Now Tracy has promised to reveal the truth.

Sam’s heart pounded as he avoided Tracy’s stare. “You said we’d talk.”

Tracy turned the door handle to her room. “You and I … we ARE going to talk.”

Sam lingered outside the door, a fear-filled dread filling his mind. “You owe me answers. Crystal told me everything... ”

“Everything?” Tracy turned on a heel, her interest piqued. “What did she tell you?”

Sam whispered his response, the idea so ludicrous on its face. “She said you’re turning me into a girl.”

“Of course she did.” Tracy shook her head, a teasing smile on her lips. “Crystal doesn’t have the cleverest of minds and still … I’m surprised you aren’t sprinting through my door.”

Sam tried to make sense of things. “What are you trying to say?”

Tracy pointed Sam towards the bed and pulled out a data pad. “Sit down and roll up your sleeves. I need to evaluate the damage.”

Sam’s feet moved forward without instruction, he tripped and fell into the bed as he tried to sit. Tracy flashed another smile but Sam didn't notice. A tantalizing smell somewhere in the room called to him. “So, is it true?”

“No, Sam. It is not true. I am not turning you into a girl.” Tracy sighed, “How much have you had to drink tonight?”

“Three or four beers…” Sam shrugged, “… or more.”

“Camitas brand?” Tracy wrapped a velcro cuff around Sam’s bicep, and pulled it tight.

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “What is that thing?”

Tracy attached a cord to the cuff and the cord to a data pad. The device beeped a few seconds later. She looked at the device and then at

Sam’s worried eyes. “Not much harm. The 0.12 blood alcohol will be a problem. Get ready to run.”

Sam hadn’t registered Tracy’s words before the acid taste of bile crept up his throat. “Oh god.” He made a mad dash to the bathroom, finding the toilet in the nick of time. The harsh smell of alcohol wafted from the bowl below.

Tracy stood in the doorway. “Get up.”

“What did you do to me?”

“I purged the beer from your system.”

“You what? How did you do that?”

Tracy handed Sam a cup of coffee and pointed to a chair. “Sit.”

“No.” Sam said, “You owe me answers.”

“I’ll answer your questions as soon as your mind has a chance to clear.” Tracy took a deep breath. “Your body wasn’t the only thing Crystal screwed with tonight.”

Sam smiled as he thought of Crystal. It had been a long time since he’d had sex. He took a long sip of coffee, remembering the encounter. After a second sip, questions began to form. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like our conversation?”

“Because you won’t.” She pointed to the pot of coffee. “More caffeine. We need your brain awake and there’s a lot to cover. It’s going to be a long night.”

“Come on, Tracy.” Sam ripped open his shirt, popping open a few buttons in the process. “You’re trying to tell me you have nothing to do with this?” A look down showed his nipples had distended even more.

“I am not the one changing your body, Sam.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not a lie, Sam.” Tracy sighed. “I knew you were hiding things when we first met but no one shows the world their true face.”

“What does that mean?” Sam got an itchy feeling on his skin, like he did at the start of a panic attack.

“Meeting you was either destiny or dumb luck but I’ve been around long enough to not question such things.” Tracy took a deep breath. "When I saw you, I saw someone I knew I could help. I’d had a bad day and you looked like an easy win. I figured … what the hell. My rider quit so I had an extra bike and plenty of Maxus gear.”

Sam thought about the Maxus sports bra in the box she gave him. “Were you training a girl?”

“Yeah.” Tracy nodded. “Her name is Sydney. She’s from Boston, like me. The Chicago branch has an open position and our CEO tasked each branch to find the best candidate. A week ago, the competition had entrants from Boston, Atlanta, Dallas, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Las Vegas. Chicago is the home location so they had two entries.”

Sam rubbed his temples. “The race is a job interview?”

“Of a sort. The race is different than anything you could imagine. Three competitors have dropped out, including Sydney.”

“I don’t need a job.”

“Maxus isn’t any job.” Tracy looked at Sam, her eyes looking hesitant. “Joining Maxus would change your life. We’re a leading member in the most prestigious organization in the world.”

“Don’t you …” Sam said, doing his best to hold off a grin. “... spend your days riding a bike?”

“That’s a cover, Sam.” Tracy’s brow furrowed as she took her time to choose her words. “Maxus is a witch’s coven.”

Sam stared with his mouth open.

“Did you hear what I said? We’re witches, Sam. I’m a witch. Crystal’s a witch. Aimee’s a witch.”

Sam didn’t speak, waiting for the punchline.

“Do you have questions?”

Sam tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t work.

Tracy’s face softened, “Do you remember the contract you signed on Monday?”

Sam’s blood turned cold. He mouthed the words, ‘Oh shit’.

“Do you remember skimming the contract?”

Fear crawled up Sam’s spine.

“Calm yourself.” Tracy instructed. “Remember to breathe.”

Sam tried taking a couple ragged breaths in and out.

“Good.” Tracy nodded. “I’m sure a lawyer like your friend Tommy would have insisted you read every line. Most people sign documents without reading every word, but the best law firm wouldn’t find anything out of the ordinary in ours. Like all good contracts, the truth is between the lines.”

Sam asked, “You know Tommy?”

“I know everything about you. I’ve had people researching your past. I know the reason you were late for our ride this morning was because Tommy’s ex, Danielle stopped by the house.”

“How do you know that?”

“My people are good.”

“Fuck off.”

Sam stood and Tracy moved her hand. ““You are bound to me, Sam.”

An invisible force pushed Sam back into the chair. “What???”

“It’s in the contract.” Sam tried to stand but Tracy waved her hand, forcing Sam to sit again. “It’s only for a week but during that time you and I are bound as master and student. The contract ends on Sunday at sundown. Until then, you are my charge and as such, Order rules allow me to administer potions, tests, and methods as I deem fit the situation.”.

Sam gulped. “Potions, tests, and methods? What potions? What tests? What methods?”

Tracy sighed. “I didn’t intend to bring you harm. With Sydney gone, I figured our deal would be simple. I’d help you lose a few pounds. You’d salvage my shitty week by letting me perform a good deed. But to help an outsider, Order rules insist we must be bound. That means I am responsible for your actions.”

“Order rules? What’s this Order you keep mentioning?”

“Ah, yes.” Tracy put her hands behind her back, a stance Sam had learned was her teaching pose. “Every witch in the world is part of the Order.”

Sam shook his head, “Like a witch’s union?”

Tracy sat on the bed in front of Sam. “Think of your fraternity. Fraternities at a college are chapters who report to their national headquarters. The Order is the same. Maxus is a chapter of the Order. We select our own members and have our own rules but if we stray too far, they’ll close down our house.”

Sam smiled, remembering the days of hazing freshmen. “Do you have pledge pins?”

“The Order is no joke, Sam. We’ve existed longer than any government in the world. Our courts have case law which goes back a thousand years. Every witch in the world is bound to the Order’s tenets upon pain of death.”

“Death?” Sam repeated, as if that sort of thing needed repeating.

Tracy looked him square in the eye. She quoted, “Ut ex chao.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It’s our motto.” Tracy’s eyes flashed, “It means ‘Order from chaos’.”

“Now you’re scaring me.” Sam took a deep breath.

“That’s good. The Order will do anything to remain in the shadows. We have ever-ready strike teams at our headquarters in Amsterdam waiting to fix problems.”

Sam leaned forward, his head in his hands. “This is a bad dream. Please tell me this is because you’re mad I slept with Crystal.”

Tracy pointed at Sam’s chest. “Can you explain those? Are they a bad dream?”

“No.” Sam placed a hand on his chest and pressed down. “I don’t … I can’t…It’s not...”

“Fear is not helpful in solving our problem.” Tracy put her hand on Sam’s shoulder, her touch bringing an instant sense of calm. “There’s something you need to know.”

“What’s that?”

Tracy said, “You’re a witch too.”

“Me?” Sam looked up in disbelief. “A witch?”

Tracy’s face betrayed no emotion. “Yes.”

“But I’m a guy.”

“Men can be witches, Sam. Don’t be sexist.”

“They can?”

“About one in four witches in the world are men. The Order’s founder was a man and men make up a disproportionate percentage of our leadership.” Tracy’s face looked pained as she made a loud sigh. “You’re a witch and the sooner you accept it, the easier things will go the next few days. You’ve got a lot to learn, and not enough time to do it.”

Sam said, “You’re going to teach me how to be a witch?”

“Not exactly. There’s not enough time for that.” Tracy shrugged, “I’m going to teach you how to win the race.”

“Win the race? Fuck that…” Sam shook his head. “I’m going to Tommy’s house. I’m going to try to forget we ever met.” Sam drank the rest of his coffee and tried to stand but a force pushed him back into the chair.

“I can’t let you leave without knowing all the facts.” Tracy moved her hand as she spoke words in a language Sam didn’t understand. “In the end, it is your choice, but I must warn you. The life of an independent witch is dangerous, and a fool’s errand for someone at your age without training. You need friends.”

“I don’t care.” Sam tried to stand again.

Tracy’s hand moved and Sam found he couldn’t move either leg. “The Order has a name for witches like you.”

“So?” After struggling for thirty seconds, Sam stopped trying to escape.

“Are you done?” Tracy took a passive stance, again with her hands touching behind her back. “Most witches manifest their talent during their teenage years. The Order has an entire department of witches whose sole job is to find teenagers with the talent. They funnel them to schools who can give them proper training.”

“But not me.”

Tracy nodded, “We miss students all the time. Think about it. The United States graduates more than three million high-schoolers every year. That’s three million potential witches in one country. We don’t have the resources to scan everyone so some get missed. Most are no problem as their abilities fade without training.”

“And the others?”

“We call them feral witches. These witches are a potential threat to the Order. Most get purged.”

“Purged?” Sam tried to stand but Tracy forced him to sit.

“A purge doesn’t kill.” Tracy returned to her teaching pose. “The goal of a purge is to return things to normal as our existence depends on remaining hidden. A purge wipes a person’s memories of our organization and rips the magic from their soul. If you don’t win the race, you’ll find yourself on Tommy's couch, with the memories and look from before our first meeting.”

Sam looked down, “No abs?”

“Come on, Sam.” Tracy shook her head. “Let’s stop pretending. Your true interest is the items growing above your abs.”

Sam closed his eyes. So much was happening. He tried to slow his breathing. He tried to make sense of Tracy’s words. “What are you suggesting?”

“You are bound to me through Sunday and I can protect you if you’re accepted into Maxus. To do that you need to win the race.”

The panic boiled through Sam’s blood, “I don’t think I can. It’s too much.”

“You have to try.” Tracy’s face took a serious tone. “I don’t want to scare you but there are things in my world much worse than a purge. I will do everything I can to protect you but our best course forward is to stick to the plan.”

Sam said, “I wish we’d never met.”

“I understand your sentiment. I do.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “But I can’t say I wish we’d never met. You have a rare talent and only need training to blossom. I know I can help you become the person you want to be.” She lifted Sam’s head so they stared eye to eye. “I see you. The binding allows me to see things others can’t. I know you can do this.”

“You think so?”

Tracy said, “I’ve broken a half a dozen Order rules in the past ten minutes by telling our secrets to a non-member. Would I go to the trouble if I thought you couldn’t win?”

Sam drank another cup of coffee but what he craved was a cigarette. It’d been four days and he hadn’t thought about it once since he’d moved. St. Louis to Chicago was three hundred miles by car but it might have been three million the way Sam felt. In St. Louis, Sam lived his days in non-stop sameness as a company brand manager. Only on nights and weekends did Samantha show her face. She holed up in the apartment, only appearing in public for an occasional balcony cigarette before returning to confinement.

“I need to go downstairs.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not safe, Sam.” Tracy said, “I’ve told you too much of our world and other witches might pick up on it. We can’t risk them finding out your powers.”

“My powers?” Sam shook his head. It sounded unreal. “I don’t have any powers. I can’t do a single card trick. How can I be a witch?”

“Witchcraft is about potential. I’m sure that’s the reason Crystal asked you out to dinner.”

Sam said, “That’s harsh. I’ve lost a lot of weight.”

Tracy said, “You think she asked you out because of your looks? You’re not that cute.”

“Ouch.” Sam said, “You didn’t need to make it personal.”

Tracy held her index finger in the air. “Lesson #1 - Assume everyone has an agenda in the witching world. You can’t trust anyone.”

“Even you?”

Tracy shook her head, “Not even me. You have a chance to win if you remember this rule through the weekend.”

Sam tried to stand and found Tracy had released his bindings. “I assume you have a plan.”

Tracy nodded, “I always have a plan.” She pointed at Sam’s chest. “And it has to do with those.”

“My chest?”

“Your boobs are the key to everything.”

“My boobs. Ha!” It sounded weird to hear anyone saying the word referring to him. The bumps on his chest didn’t amount to much. The breast forms Sam hid in Tommy’s garage filled a C-Cup. A training bra would take care of his swelled chest. Sam pressed down on the area.

“So you did lie. You are trying to turn me into a girl.”

“I told you the truth, Sam. I’m not doing anything to you.” Tracy’s eyes looked up and down Sam’s body in a way that made him feel uncomfortable. “You are doing that to yourself.”

“Me?” Sam stopped playing with his nascent boobs. “No way.”

“I agree. I didn't believe it myself when I saw the readings. It shouldn’t be possible. You aren't trained to cast spells. It takes most witches a year of training to learn basic spells.” She pointed at Sam’s chest. “What’s happening to you takes transformational masters decades of training. Only the most powerful can do what you’ve managed to do.”

Sam pressed on a nipple. “It doesn’t look like much.”

“None of this should be happening since you don't have any idea how to harness your power or store magic. My best guess is the weight loss elixir was a trigger for you. It’s like putting a key into a lock. My scans show you’ve been making the changes each night in your sleep. With every change your magic has gotten stronger, and in turn has allowed you to change your body more.”

“So you think if I change myself enough, I can win the race?”

“Exactly.” Tracy stood still, and stared into Sam’s eyes. “Every witch in this hotel knows you’re feral and they know about your crossdressing. They know you’re in my charge and I let it slip that I’m helping you change genders. They don’t see you as a serious threat and if we play it right … we’ll take them by surprise.”

Sam nodded. “Rule #1. A witch can’t trust anyone. You want me to fool them.”

“Now you’re getting it.”

“Okay.” Sam said, feeling more confident, “So what’s next?”

“To complete the process, you and I are going to spend the night together.”

“You want to have sex?”

“As if. Maxus has rules against a master sleeping with their students.” Tracy smiled. “I’ll be sitting in a chair, funneling magic into you as I feel you run low. If my theory is right, we’ll know the truth in the morning.” Tracy tossed a bottle of Maxus Energy Drink to Sam. “Drink this.”

Sam sniffed the opening. It was the intoxicating odor he’d been smelling since he arrived. He took a small sip followed by a bigger gulp. A liquid hit his stomach then cascaded through his whole body.

Tracy said, “Feel nice?”

“Ohmygod!!!”

“What you are feeling is the rush of a large dose of magic entering your system all at once.”

Sam took another sip. This time the feeling wasn’t as strong. “It’s like a mana potion.”

“A what?”

Sam asked, “Have you ever played that online game … Wizards of Lore?

Tracy frowned. “I don’t play online games.”

Sam ignored her. “In Wizards of Lore and magic users run low on mana, they drink a potion and it fills them up so they can cast more magic.” Sam took another sip but didn’t feel anything. “Damn … the feeling’s gone.”

“You’ve filled your magic. I told you. New witches can’t store much magic in reserve and it takes them a long time to regenerate magic without help.”

“You mean mana.”

“Sam…”

“Sorry.”

Tracy said, “Focus.”

Sam nodded, “Sorry. I’m freaking out. It’s easier to think of this as a game.”

“No one’s going to be able to rez you if you screw up in the real world, Sam.” Tracy grinned.

“Hey! I thought you said you didn’t play those kinds of games.”

Tracy said, “I lied.”

“Ha! Another lesson?” Sam nodded as he took another sip. “I’ve been drinking these for the last few days. It’s never felt like this.”

“Tracy bonked you.” Tracy’s face kept a sly grin. “She drank from you like you are drinking from that bottle.”

“Oh.” Sam’s face clouded over. His memories of Crystal felt so nice. “I … I … wasn’t myself.”

“I’m sure you enjoyed it. I hear she is quite talented..” Tracy winked, “Crystal has always had a thing for virgins. It’s one of her kinks.”

“I’m not a virgin.”

“Close enough.” She held up the data pad. “Remember, this measures everything.”

“Harsh.” Sam stared at the bottle before taking another sip. The label read ‘Maxus Energy Drink’ in Helvetica typeface across the top. In the middle was a picture of a woman riding an old bike. Underneath the woman read the words, ‘Carpe Diem’. Not the most original ad campaign but not terrible.

Sam tried to push the memories of Crystal out of his head. “Do you think that’s the reason Crystal slept with me?”

“It’s impossible to know Crystal’s motives.” Tracy paused a second, “Sorry about the ‘not cute’ comment earlier. I have my own issues dealing with men and I took it out on you. Sharp words work on men better than any spell but you didn’t deserve my snark.”

“It’s ok. I’ve never been good with men or women.”

Tracy nodded, her face growing flush. “There are times I hate being able to read men’s emotions. To be honest, there’s a part of me who’s jealous of Crystal. She always does what she wants without caring about repercussions. I’ve never been like that.”

“Well, if you want...”

Tracy interrupted as Sam started to speak, “No, Sam. That doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you. I’m never going to sleep with you.”

“Got it. Understood. Never bringing up the subject again.” Sam’s face reddened. “Sooo … what’s next?”

“We’re going to sneak out of here and get you a cab. You’ll take it to get your car and head to Tommy’s. I’ll meet you there as soon as I’m able.”

Sam’s car sat alone in the parking lot as the cab sped off. A look inside showed no one had stolen anything. He pressed a button on his cell phone on the ride home. Tommy picked up after the fourth ring.

“What’s up Sam?”

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Not at all. We’re finished at the client’s office and about to head to dinner.”

Sam asked, “Another late night?”

Tommy’s house looked spotless when Sam opened the front door. The dishes he’d left piled in the sink were in the dishwasher.

Tommy sounded distracted, “You know how it is.”

“Yeah.” Sam let the silence linger. This wasn’t a great time for discussion but they might not have another chance. “Danielle stopped by this morning.”

“She did?” Tommy grew quiet. “What did she want?”

“She stopped by to pick up some things from the garage.”

Tommy said, “Did you fight?”

“We argued some but sorted it out.” The Maxus clothing he’d strewn all over the living room had disappeared. Sam found it folded and sitting on top of the dresser in his bedroom, “She’s nicer than I remember. She told me you aren’t divorced.”

Tommy didn’t answer at first and when he did, he spoke one word at a time. “We … aren’t … legally … separated.”

“Not legally separated, huh? That’s an interesting word choice coming from a lawyer.” Sam said, “You told me you got a divorce and Danielle gave you the house.”

“I missed you, man. I wanted you to move to Chicago and I knew what you’d think. I’m paying for the mortgage and all the expenses. Danielle has her own place downtown.”

“You lied to me.”

“It’s not a lie. It’s …” Tommy paused. “Can we talk about this when I get home?”

Everything might be different by morning. “It can’t wait, Tommy.”

Tommy said, “Sorry, Sam. I have to go. Someone is calling my name.”

The phone went dead.

Sam found the items from his makeup bag lined in a brown on the bathroom counter. A company card sat nearby.

_________________________________
Rejin Consulting, Inc.
Danielle Hudson
Associate Partner
Email:dani.hudson @ rejinconsulting.com
_________________________________

Danielle wrote a note on the back.

‘I was happy to see you this morning, Sam. I sense you’re going through a rough time. I’m a good listener if you need to talk.’

Sam loosened his shirt and let it fall to the floor, his eyes staring at the image staring back. He’d taken a chance moving to this town. If Tracy was right, he’d be unrecognizable by this time tomorrow.

A strange town, no friends, no place to stay, and no job.

Sam turned to the side. “What’s the old saying? The surest way to make someone miserable is to give them everything they want.”

The urge to puke forced Sam to his knees but nothing came out. When he stood, Sam retrieved Danielle’s card from the counter. There’s no way he could talk to her. No sane person would believe Tracy’s story.

“What the fuck am I going to do?”

Sam continued to stare in the bathroom mirror until the chimes of the doorbell rang in the distance.

Tracy strode inside carrying bags in both hands. She looked at Sam for a brief second, then took a longer look around to appraise her surroundings. “Nice place.”

Sam pointed to the hallway. “I assume you want to do this in the bedroom?”

Tracy smiled. “Straight to business?” She sat a bag of women’s clothing on the kitchen counter. “I can feel your hesitation, Sam.” She pulled a wine bottle from the other bag. “We should talk. I’m sure you have more questions. I hit you with a lot of info at the hotel.”

“Don’t you want me clear headed?”

Tracy opened cupboard doors until she found a wine glass. “Non-alcoholic.”

Sam had never been much of a drinker since his college days. Tonight, he wished Tracy had showed up with a bottle of Kentucky’s finest. “Too bad.”

Tracy popped the cork on the bottle. “You can’t run from your problems forever. I’m pretty sure that’s how you ended up in this mess.”

Sam said, “You mean the mess you created for me by asking me to sign my life away in a contract?”

Tracy raised her glass and took a drink. “Touche, Sam.” She poured wine into the other glass and handed it to Sam. “I've spent the last few days trying to figure out how someone without training could suppress their magic ability. I didn't notice it when we first met. My suspicion is you learned to hide it from the world at a young age, which put a damper on your abilities so no one could see the person inside.”

Sam took a sip of the wine, then looked at Tracy. “This wine isn’t some weird witch brand, is it?”

“Nope. Store bought. I can show you the receipt if you want.”

Sam swirled his glass, staring as liquid made circle after circle, “Everything you’ve told me sounds ridiculous.”

“Of course it does. I felt the same way when they told me.”

Sam looked up from his wine glass. “Was it tough when you found out about witches?”

Tracy sipped at her glass. “A recruiter approached me in high school. She was pushy and mentioned I’d qualified for a scholarship. I wasn’t a great student and figured it was a scam but they paid for my Mom and me to visit their college. They put us up in a great hotel and plied us with good food. At one point in the weekend, they split the students off from the parents and told us the truth. I thought it was a joke.”

“That must have been rough.”

As Tracy spoke, Sam's mind wondered about the person in front of him. She was no longer a young woman, mid-thirties if Sam had to guess, and yet most men would kill for an evening with her. But still, hidden behind her confident look Sam sensed a young girl underneath, wearing a boxy dress and long braided hair, crouched under the covers of her bed as tears flowed down her face.

“It was rough.” Tracy said.

“Where did you go to school?”

“Asher College. It’s in Massachusetts.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Most haven’t.” Tracy poured some more wine. “I tried to tell my Mom the truth on the ride home but they’d spelled us so our mouths couldn’t form the words. I cried myself to sleep that night and many nights afterward.”

“That sucks.”

“I adjusted. A few years later they sent me to MIT for graduate school.”

“Wow.”

Tracy swirled the wine in her glass. “My first job out of school was at a large tech coven in San Francisco until a spot opened up at Maxus. I’ve been with them ever since.”

“You make being a witch sound like a job.”

“It’s not a job, Sam.” Tracy nodded. “It’s a way of life. That’s something you need to understand before we go forward. I lost touch with Mom and all my high school friends after graduation.”

Sam said, “I’m not close with my parents. I don’t have many friends.”

Tracy looked at the pictures on the wall, “I know you’re friends with Tommy. There’s no shame in volunteering for a purge. You wouldn’t be the first. If we go forward, we both know things will change more for you than they ever did for me.”

“Yeah …” Sam looked down at his body. “It’s like living a dream and a nightmare at the same time. I don’t know what to do. I’m not good with change.”

Tracy stared at Sam’s budding chest. “Despite all evidence to the contrary.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Sorry. Bad joke.” Tracy looked at a picture of Sam and Tommy in college. “When I was in college, I found myself surrounded by legacy witches. They’d gone to the best private witching academies in high school and made it clear to first-generation witches how they felt. For a long time I wondered if I’d ever be as good as them.”

“Were you?”

“I’m in Maxus aren’t I?” Tracy smiled. “Our situations are different but I have a sense of what you’re going through. You’ve felt like an outsider your whole life so you pretended to be something you’re not. You’ve hidden away in books and involved yourself in relationships you force to fizzle out. You can’t do that in the witching world. Every flaw … every fear … every emotion. There will always be someone looking to take advantage of your innermost secrets. What Crystal did to you tonight is mild.”

Sam asked, “Did you know what she’d do?”

“I suspected.” Tracy nodded. “Crystal has never been a deep thinker.” She put a hand on Sam’s back. “I hoped she’d give you a taste of our world but I never would have left you alone with her if I thought she were a real threat. You wanted you to understand how the witching world preys on weakness and discards the unworthy. The only way to survive is to be honest with yourself. Do you think you can do that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want a girl’s body?”

Sam stared at a picture of him and Tommy, both well into their cups. He would never forget the night of the junior year mixer with Phi Lambda Phi sorority. Standing next to them in the picture was a girl wearing a goofy grin. She’d told them her name was Danielle. “I’m not sure.”

“Are you serious?” Tracy’s downed the last of her wine, “You’ve dreamed of becoming a woman most of your life. You’ve spent the last ten years living as a woman in private. Now you have an opportunity to make it happen, and you aren’t sure?”

“It’s hard to explain.” Sam felt the start of a panic attack, “I wanted it and I dreamed of it. I closed myself off from the world because of it but at this moment … I don’t know. What if it’s a fetish or something I can live with? What if I’m a man who likes to wear dresses? I’m changing everything. I’ll have to quit my job … my best friend won’t know me … the whole world will look at me different.”

“I’ll help you adjust, Sam. The Order takes care of our own.”

“You said it yourself.” Sam said, shaking his head, “The first rule of your world is not to trust anyone.”

“Aren’t some things worth the risk?” Tracy stood. “Take a good look at yourself in a mirror and tell me you aren’t thrilled with the changes. Our bond tells me the answer. Remember, I’m not doing this to your body, you are. Fear is the only thing holding you back from getting everything you’ve always wanted. You know you want this.”

“It’s a lot to process.”

“We don’t have time for you to get comfortable, Sam.”

Sam looked into Tracy’s eyes, “Do you think I can win the race?”

“Crystal approached you tonight because you scared her today.” Tracy placed her wine glass on the counter. “I don’t know how many times I have to repeat myself until you believe me. I know you can do this.”

Sam nodded as he took a deep breath. “What do you need me to do?”

Tracy held up a bag. “I went shopping while Crystal entertained you. Go take a shower and put on these clothes. I’ll get things ready in the bedroom.”

Sam looked in the mirror as water from his body dripped on the floor. His legs looked as fit as they’d ever been during his riding days. His waist didn’t show a single ounce of fat. He would have killed for this golden tan in college though he’d have difficulty explaining his lack of hair. His chest hadn’t gotten smaller. In fact, the redness looked worse.

Sam turned to the side to see his profile. Like his belly, the area had gotten smaller,his flabby pecs replaced by something much firmer and now pointing up. The breast buds, there wasn’t any other name for it, were surrounded by small mounds and darkening areolas. He’d read enough to know he was past Tanner stage 1.

Sam reached in the bag and found the bra Tracy had purchased. It wasn’t much. Sized 38A. He’d bought many bras in the past, the last a 44D, which were a perfect fit when combined with his flabby chest and C-cup breast forms.

Sam put his arms through the straps then reached behind to fasten the clasp. The bra’s silk material felt smooth as it glided over his skin. The support felt amazing. Sam straightened his posture until he felt an audible ‘pop’ in his back.

Sam said, “Ouch,” though it didn’t hurt.

After a look in the mirror, Sam thrust out his chest. He’d worn many bras over the years but this was the first time he’d seen a bra pressing up hairless flesh, giving the appearance of real cleavage. A strong grip on the counter steadied his feet as tears filled his eyes. The itchy electric feeling of a panic attack flowed through his skin but this time it felt different. Usually, the fear forced him to his knees. Now, he stood tall as his eyes drank in his naked image.

Whether caused by hope, excitement, or maybe even magic, the whirlwind of the past few days swirled in Sam’s brain, dispersing the cloud. Thoughts of Tommy, Danielle, Tracy, and his new job jumbled together as he continued to stare. Tears filled his eyes at the realization he might get the one thing he wanted.

Sam held the dress against his body before putting it on. It slid on easy, exposing curves he hadn’t noticed gathering over the past three days.

“Tracy!”

The door opened in an instant

“Yes?”

“What do you think?”

Tracy said, “You look beautiful, Sam.”

“You think so?” Sam whispered as his tears continued to fall.

Tracy grabbed a tissue. “Your face looks a little splotchy.”

Sam laughed as he wiped his eyes and stared in the mirror. “Would it be okay if I put on some makeup?”

“I insist on it.” Tracy grinned.

Sam sat in the chair and began applying base. Tracy didn’t say a word as she watched from the doorway.

It was weird to have someone watch him do this. Weird and wonderful. He’d held this secret for thirty years and in one day, two women had seen him wearing makeup.

Tracy said, “You’re better at that than me.”

Sam spread the concealer under his eyes. “I had no choice. I was so hideous, getting good applying makeup was my only chance.”

“Stop that, Sam.”

The eyeliner pencil moved with a mind of its own, marking dark lines across his eyelids, “Stop what?”

Tracy said, “You’ve always been a beautiful woman. I thought so the moment we met.”

Sam laughed as mascara covered his lashes, “In the park?”

Tracy moved closer to Sam. “My job allows me to meet new people everyday and my abilities show me their loneliness and their pain. When we first met, I felt a pain so deep I wondered how you got out of bed but when I looked deeper, I felt hope. After we first spoke, I thought it was the hope of moving to a new city but then I saw her. I saw you Sam -- I saw the woman inside."

Sam put the finishing touches on his eye shadow when Tracy held his wig. “Isn’t that too much for bed? I’m going to sleep, and besides, a wig gets hot at night and you wake up to a garish mess that’s hell to untangle.”

Tracy pointed to her own close cropped hair. “You don’t need to preach to me about the benefits of short hair but there will be no half measures tonight.” She held the wig over Sam’s head as they both worked to fix it in place. “That’s better.”

Sam blushed as glanced at the mirror. Tracy was laying it on a bit thick but he appreciated the support. “You are the first person I’ve ever let watch me get dressed. It doesn’t feel weird as I thought.”

“You’re beginning to feel comfort in your skin. That’s a good sign.”

Sam added some lipstick that matched the wig. “I look like a girl.”

“You are a girl, Sam. You always were.”

“Of course. I know.” Sam moved his head from right to left, his red locks flying back and forth.

Tracy held out an energy drink. “Drink up.”

Sam chugged the whole bottle.

Tracy pointed to the bedroom. “It’s time for bed.”

Sam yawned, “Do you prefer the right or left side? I have a bad habit of hogging the blankets.”

Tracy shook her head. “The time for joking is over, Sam. You need to center yourself. We’ll meditate before you go to sleep.”

“I’m too tired to sit.” He jumped on the bed and lay back on a pillow.

“Meditation doesn’t have to occur sitting down.” Tracy spoke in an authoritative voice Sam recognized as an order. “Lay back and relax.”

He sighed, “Okay.”

“Listen to the sound of my voice. “

Sam did as she asked.

“Close your eyes and concentrate on what you want.”

“I don’t…”

“Shhh…. What do you want, Sam? What have you always wanted?”

Sam centered his mind and repeated a single thought: “What do I want?”

His thoughts drifted to Tommy. His thoughts drifted to the nights as a child when he cursed his body. He’d run from these thoughts but he couldn’t run from his dreams. His dreams knew the truth as thoughts turned to Samantha. She smiled as she slipped into oblivion.

Tracy kissed Sam on the forehead as she sensed his brain enter REM sleep. She put another blanket over him, “Sleep well Sam.”

‘Subject Chrysalis in transition. Impressive results so far. Will send a followup report tomorrow.’

Sam has hid from the world for most of his life -- Sometimes dreams come true. Somethings they feel like a nightmare.

A voice echoed down from the heavens.
‘Sleep well Sam.’

*****

Sam's eyelids fluttered open. “We’ve got to move.” Tommy stood above him.

“What’s going on?”

Sam tried to get up, but could move. Primal fear filled the air when he looked at the high walls surrounding the darkened hallway. The floor of the hallway was filled with a sort of murky mist, making every step a danger. He proved this when, as he stood, he tripped on an unseen object returning him to the floor. As he lay in the muck, Sam saw he wore a pair of ratty old high tops he’d last worn in college. A look at his chest showed a favorite St. Louis Cardinals straining to hold his bulk. Underneath he wore a pair of baggy shorts with tears.

Tommy helped Sam to his feet. “You’ve got to keep moving.”

“What’s going on?”

A thunderous roar shattered the silence, sending tremors down Sam's spine. A creature emerged from the end of the hall. Steam and smoke rose from its curvy body.

“Is that…” Sam asked.

“Yeah…” Tommy nodded.

"Sammy," the beast snarled in a perfect imitation of Danielle's voice. "You can't hide forever." The creature stood at least seven feet tall with dark brown hair falling down from both sides of her head. Two perky breasts stood prominently from her chest. Most guys might have been cute if not for the leathery skin, horns, and a tail.

Sam took a step back as the she-minotaur's presence grew larger. Spirals of vapor came from her nose with every breath. Each stomp her foot quaked the earth making it difficult to stand.

Tommy stepped forward with his shield held high, as his blonde hair shimmered in the darkened hall. “Run, Sam. I’ll protect you.”

Sam took another step back, and then another. Before he knew it, he was running. A look in every direction showed hall after hall, a maze stretching in all directions. Somewhere, within these tangled corridors had to be an escape.

Sam tripped and fell, this time landing on the skeletal remains of a familiar adventurer. In one hand he held a rusty old short sword he'd plunged into the murky floor, and in the other, a shield. Sam gripped the hilt of the sword and pulled with all his might but the sword wouldn’t move.

Danielle’s voice arched through the hallway as sounds of her battle with Tommy raged, “I see you, Sam. I know you. The real you.”

The pair emerged at the end of this hallway. Tommy turned with a look, “Why aren’t you running?”

“I’m trying to help.”

Tommy said, “You’re not strong enough, Sam. You’ve got to run.”

Sam pulled on the sword again but to no avail as Danielle grew closer with every clang of the sword.

“Run Sam.” Tommy said.

“Yes.” Danielle replied, her voice a mocking imitation of Tommy. Run Sam, Run!”

Sam wanted to protest but his feet had a mind of their own.

He heard Tommy’s cries in the distance. "Come on, you brute! Do your damnedest."

“Did you call me a brute?” Danielle answered in a high-pitched voice, sounding more annoyed than upset. Her words twisted into a guttural bellow as Sam ran faster.

“Dammit. A dead end.”

A closer look showed a small spur carved into the rock. Sam squeezed through the crevice, backing his way down a path no minotaur could follow.

Bang! Crash! Clang! Bang! Bang!

Sounds of the battle took on a melodic tone. Sam closed his eyes in hopes of pushing it from his mind. As he listened, he crept ever further into the darkened crevice until he reached the end.

Resting there, Sam took a few deep breaths, letting them out one at a time. When he calmed himself, he found his hand on something stuck in the mire. The item wasn’t as hard as a sword nor as big as a shield. Sam took firm hold and gave it a good yank, finding he held a simple stick in his hand. He started to toss it back on the floor when the pink glow formed. Soon, the hallway of grays and browns shone the same color.

Sam gripped the stick with both hands as the power grew within. Cool pulses of energy surged down his arms, warming his veins as the power grew and grew. Sam held it until he could hold no more, then pointed the stick at a nearby wall and released the energy in a single blast. Lightning flew from the end of the stick, crashing into the nearby stone then exploded in a flash of pink sparks.

Sam held the stick in front of his face. It didn’t feel like much. The weapon, if you could call it such, didn’t have the weight of steel or the protection of a birch shield. But as Sam held it, he knew what to do.

The sounds of battle weren’t far. Tommy glanced in Sam's direction when he saw him enter the hallway. This brief lack of focus gave Danielle an opening which Tommy managed to dodge.

Sam shouted, “Watch out., Tommy.”

Tommy turned toward Sam, “What are you doing here? I told you to run.”

The look on Danielle’s face bordered on pity. “He knows there is no escape.”

Tommy launched a series of well coordinated attacks. Danielle fended off each with ease. The pair’s movements reminded Sam of a ballet of two skilled artisans performing their craft.

Sam lifted his hand, allowing the electricity to gather around him. Sam waited until he could take no more then pointed the wand at the beast, releasing the burst at once. Danielle roared when the sneak attack struck her breast. Arcs of pink lightning surged over the creature's flesh until her cries grew silent and she fell to the ground.

The pink energy continued to flow through Danielle’s body until she disappeared in a poof of smoke. The pink energy, its target gone, returned to Sam in a flash of light. Sam held the wand in front of his body, hoping the stick might protect him.

It did not. “Ouch. God dammit!” The energy surged into the wand, up Sam’s arm, sending a shock wave throughout his body and him to his knees.

Tommy ran to Sam, “Are you okay?”

Sam knelt forward on the ground, one hand on the floor, the other still holding the wand before him. “Yeah.”

Tommy asked, “Is that a pink magic wand?” His smile grew into a smirk.

“It was all I could find.” Sam explained, his face turning red.

Tommy returned his sword to its scabbard while staring at the spot where the beast once lay. “I’m not sure how much longer I could have held out against her. I needed my wingman today.”

Sam felt a pressure squeezing his heart, “We’ve always made a good team.” He looked at Tommy who looked no worse for wear. “Is Danielle gone?”

“No. You can’t kill that beast.” Tommy pointed around the surrounding hall. “This is her home. She cannot die here.” Tommy picked up something from the floor and tossed it to Sam. “If you’re going to use a sissy’s weapon, you’ll need a holster to match.”

“It’s not a …” Sam wanted to say more but his mouth stopped moving.

He watched the item arc through the air towards him, then dropped it when it hit his hands. Retrieving it from the floor, Sam saw Tommy’s gift was as simple as his stick. The ‘belt’, as it could be otherwise called, was a simple strap of leather twisted in a circle with an attached pouch. Sam pulled it around his waist and cinched it tight. The pouch came to rest on his left hip, and a small leather loop in the belt rested on his right. As the wand found its new home on Sam’s right hip, he felt a burst of confidence and turned back to his friend.

“Tommy … there’s something I need to tell…”

When Sam looked up, he saw his friend had disappeared. In his place stood a shimmering portal. A look around the room now showed darkness and with little other choice, Sam stepped into the light.

A kaleidoscope of light and shadow surrounded Sam, pressing against his skin like cool sheets of satin. The power inside the portal shifted through him, as strong as the sound of a summer thunderstorm, or its bite a reminder of the wind on a snowy winter’s day.

When Sam emerged, he found himself standing on solid earth. His body stepped lighter, moving with unfamiliar ease. His ragged clothes hung loose off a more slender frame, his arms still stinging from the lightning bolt which hit his hands. A look each showed long nails one each shimmering like a mother-of-pearl necklace. Sam felt his face, finding a smooth expanse where once he’d felt stubble.

Sam couldn’t help but touch his face, a smooth expanse where once he’d felt stubble. A more thorough inspection found a few more small changes, unnoticeable to most, but then few ever noticed Sam. Only one person had ever paid him much attention.

Sam shouted, “Tommy?”

He got no response.

Undulating desert stretched for as far as his eyes could see, though he thought he saw trees in the one direction. An attempt at using the magic wand showed it out of power. With little else to go on, Sam walked towards the trees but it didn't take too long to figure out, they weren't getting closer.

With little other choice, Sam walked as strong winds pushed him up and down the sandy dunes. He walked for hours, but the horizon remained the same. Out of desperation, Sam sat and closed his eyes, praying he might find an answer.

"Find yourself," the wind said, its gusts speaking in a faint voice.

Sam jumped to his feet and looked in all directions but saw no one. “Hello?” He got no response.

Now heartened, Sam returned to a seated position and closed his eyes. “Can you help me?”

The winds spoke in a soft voice, “Know who you are.”

Sam tried to meditate, hoping for an answer but the sun’s rays grew hot and sweat soaked his clothes. “My clothes!” Sam said, as he jumped to his feet. He tore off his shirt and pulled down his pants then flipped his sneakers onto the sand. As the sun beat into his skin, the sun’s power flowed into his skin, leaving behind a dark tan which filled him with power.

Sam pulled his wand from its holster, and he held it in the air. A flash of pink lightning illuminated the path through the sand. The trees grew closer after a short hike. Not long after, Sam heard the wash of the ocean. A chill filled him as the temperature continued to drop and a fog crept over the landscape as he arrived at the edge of a cliff.

Sam held his wand before him. “What now?”

"Leap," whispered the wind, its voice strong.

Sam didn’t hesitate. He closed his eyes and stepped into the abyss.

When he emerged, he found nothing but silence.

“Hello?”

A hushed echo reverberated down the halls. Rows after row of books greeted him, their spines smelling a mix of ancient leather and parchment. Countless stories lay hidden under the covers but the corridors went on forever. A person could spend a lifetime here and never find the object of their search. He needed to find a librarian.

Sam closed his eyes and tried to focus. “Hello?”

The sound echoed like ghosts in his memory. The books all told a story, each growing louder as they vied for attention. The rustle of pages applauded his movements, a murmur of encouragement from his past. The joys of summer camp. The nerves of forgotten homework. Tears on his Mom’s shoulder. The disappointment of failure. The terror of someone finding the truth.

Sam’s heart grew lighter with every step. He understood he could be himself here. Every book, every treatise, they all knew his story and they didn’t judge. In this library, Sam’s life read like an open book and no one cared. It was his life written in black and white.

Sam ran to the dresser when he saw it. His first foray into crossdressing didn’t consist of much. A pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, women’s panties, and a training bra. As Sam put them all on, the edges of this reality fraying into smoke and haze. Here, in the heart of his own private cosmos, the weight of his hidden life pressed into his chest.

The ribbons of memories unfurled like a parade of ancient movies. In each Sam saw himself. A boy hiding behind the thickets of his backyard, swathed in one of his mother's discarded scarves.

Another told of the day he tried lipstick for the first time, then spent hours scrubbing his lips.

At college, he watched Tommy appear, full of laughter and a confidence Sam never could achieve.

"Tommy," Sam reached out, but the vision disappeared.

Sam’s hands brushed over the spines of his past, his mind thrilling as his mind told more of their hidden language. This library contained his every hope and dream contrasted with fears and nightmares. Each title was an enigma, the hidden secrets in each one passed between reader and book.

“What do I want?”

Whispers of a hoped for transformation haunted these halls. The power drew him ever closer. No one told him where to find it. Sam’s feet knew the way. He’s run to this place so many times. After school. When he felt low. When he wanted to celebrate. It made everything better.
Sam smiled when he saw the box full of childhood toys. Reaching underneath the toy cars and action figures lay a box. Opening it revealed at flash of color which jumped out of the box and danced around him. Reaching inside, Sam lifted the treasure.

The title of the book read, ‘Making Faces’. He must had read a thousand times as a kid. This copy looked better than dogeared copy he’d tossed it in a dumpster before leaving for college. His second copy now lay on the bottom of St. Louis quarry.

The cover felt cool beneath his touch but Sam felt the warmth inside. He knew the words without reading, they were a part of him now. Page after page turned swirling the air as the haze of colors surrounded him.

"Conceal," instructed one page, featuring diagrams of delicate brush strokes. "Highlight," urged another, revealing secrets to accent hidden beauty. Sam's heart quickened, his eyes drinking in the text. This book taught techniques to transform skin, sculpt features, and redefine one’s very essence.

"Blend," he whispered to himself, tracing the contour lines depicted on the page.

"Define," the next chapter beckoned, showcasing the art of shaping brows.

"Transform," the final words echoed in his mind. His path forward lay clear. A look around at the library of his life all led to this. Sam gripped the book tight as color settled on his face.

"Transcend." Sam clutched the book in his right hand and drew it to his chest, lifting the wand in the other. A sense of longing grew within his heart.

“I’m not afraid.” Sam said, hoping his words didn’t betray his fear.

The past fell away as Sam watched the library disappear around him.

No sound filled the air as electricity tingled his skin. Sam touched his face, his fingernails grazing features which no longer felt familiar. His jawline seemed less pronounced, his cheeks ever so higher. There was a softness there, a tenderness echoing the internal shift he suppressed for so long.

"Is this me?" The question slipped through new lips. His voice too, a more gentle timbre that resonated with the softer edges of his being.

A torrent of tears formed a puddle at his feet, showing a man’s body in its reflection. Sam knew well the paint he’d applied went skin deep and disappeared with every wash. Few could see past his grotesque form to see the girl inside.

“Progress.” Sam shouted.

He took one step and then another, each stride more assured than the last. The terrain changed, solid ground giving way to spongier turf which bounced with every step. Shadows loomed in the distance and Sam knew he had tougher challenges to face.
The air crackled with a charged intensity as the portal materialized in front of him. He didn’t hesitate.

Sam emerged to an unending nightmare, as smoke filled his mind. A distorted mix of reflections surrounded him and in each one he saw a cruel image, each mirror painting him as a man. He walked in circles, looking for escape from images of his misshapen body.

His heart pounding against its cage as Sam shouted, "Why me?" unwilling to stand the sight. The wand had proved useless against the darkness, as had his new magic tome. The mirrors followed him everywhere, no matter where he turned.

Thousands of Sams reflected their image yet none revealed the truth. Sam put both hands to his face, making it impossible to see.

“These images are a lie.”

Eyes closed, Sam traced a remembered route, searching for the madness at its core. The memories drove him forward along the distorted lies until he knew he'd found the right place. He reached out, with eyes still closed, to touch the nightmare's black heart. Its primal energy surged into him, and began coursing through his veins.

The air around Sam vibrated when he put a hand on his holster. Arcs of lightning soon burst forward, a cacophony of loud crashes following as the distortions hit the stone floor. Sam expected silence when the crashes stopped. Instead, he heard the sound of a slow clap.

"Bravo," a familiar voice called from the shadows.

Sam opened his eyes to see Danielle emerge from the darkness, her blue eyes drawing him in.

"Quite the show, Sammy boy," she sneered. Danielle retained her horns but the cloven feet and hands had disappeared. "Did you think you could free yourself of me so easy?"

Sam clenched his jaw. He needed Tommy’s help to beat her last time.

“Why are you here, Danielle?"

Her smile held venom as she spoke. "You know why I’m here."

Sam took a step back, feeling the weight of this woman’s gaze.

"I don’t fear you, Danielle. I’m not afraid anymore.” Sam said, hoping to steel himself against her charms.

“Oh no?” Danielle grinned as she moved closer, her hips swaying in a hypnotic rhythm no man could ignore. Her voice, heavy with mocking affection, wrapped around him like a shroud. "Come on, Sammy," she crooned, a smirk appearing on her deceptive painted lips. "Don't you want to play with me?"

Sam felt the pull, a primal lure beckoning him towards her. Memories of their first meeting tangled in Sam’s mind. He was the one who met Danielle at the fraternity mixer. He introduced her to Tommy. It was his fault.

"I don’t want to play your game, Danielle.," Sam spat through gritted teeth.

“We can have a lot of fun together. We both know what you want.” She pulled her shirt down for a moment to reveal her tits.

The heavy scent of Danielle’s perfume wafted through the room. Her circled pursuit reminded him of a cat about to pounce on its prey. Sam didn’t take his eyes off Danielle, he couldn’t if he dared. Round and round and round she went, the dizzying display pounding Sam’s heart in his chest.

Sam tried to steady himself. He’d come so far. He knelt forward while continuing to watch Danielle’s entrancing figure, finding a piece of glass on the stone floor. He squeezed its sharp edges, causing a freeing pain to shoot up his arm.

“AAIIIRRRGGGGHHH!”

Danielle’s eyes grew confused as a pout formed on her lips. “What have you done to yourself, Sammy?”

Sam used the distraction to retrieve his wand, calling forth the latent magic of this place.

“Transform.” He cried.

A thunderclap followed as his magic surged forth. Danielle's laughter screeched in their battle of wills but Sam's burned brighter.

“You can’t escape who you are, Sammy.” Daniellel taunted, betraying a slight tremor in her voice.

"I know who I am." Sam answered, his voice steady and firm. “You’ve seen the real me.”

Sam raised his magic tome, gathering glass fragments in a whirlwind around him. As his storm began to crest, he focused his mind on the cold dark heart. The shards struck a savage blow, splintering the core into dust. An item clattered to the floor in its absence.

“What is this?” Sam asked but got no answer.

Picking it up, Sam found a small handheld mirror and when he looked into it, the woman of his dreams looked back.

An angry voice boomed through the room, “You thinking you’ve won? This is a temporary setback. You know, I always come back, Sammy. You can’t change who you are.”

Sam didn’t bother to answer. He’d fallen for Danielle’s tricks many times in the past, but he was stronger now. Only a fool fights their true nature and Sam had been a fool for long enough. He entered the portal as soon as it formed.

Sam opened his eyes to see walls all around him.

“The maze again?” He’d hoped from a break.

Remnants of the hallway came into focus as the portal disappeared. A cry of a beast echoed in the darkness ahead.

“Do your worst, Danielle! You don’t scare me anymore." Sam’s high-pitched voice shouted. His confidence dropped,when he entered the next room.

“Sam?”

“Tommy?” His friend stood twelve feet tall in minotaur form with muscles rippling off his bare chest. Atop its head sat two large horns.

“I barely recognize you, Sam.”

“You barely recognize me?” Sam exclaimed.

“Are you wearing a bra, Sam?” Tommy began to laugh.

Sam covered his chest with both hands. “It’s complicated.”

“Is that makeup on your face?” Tommy guffawed.

“I can explain.”

“Let’s hear it.” Tommy looked down on Sam, his friend’s disappointment pressing Sam to the floor.

Sam shook his head, trying to dispel his inner conflict to let his power grow. The wand and tome had helped him win the previous battles. He had to defeat Tommy. He couldn’t let his best friend see. The air around Sam crackled as the lightning inside grew, exploding from the end of his wand in a single burst.

The pink energy struck Tommy's breast, bounced off, and dissipated into the air.

Tommy looked more annoyed than angry. “You want to fight me?” His mocking laughter turned feral, the growl coming from something other than a human.

Sam ran towards the shadows, “You can’t see me like this.”

But he knew this beast could do five steps for every one of his own. A look around showed the scattered remains of other battles.

Tommy’s face grew thoughtful. “I knew I was the alpha, Sam and you’ve always been my beta. I’m the leader, you’re my wingman. But a sissy? I never expected you to be a sissy.”

Tommy’s words hit with the force of thunder. Sam’s thoughts focused on his magic tome and he spoke a magic word, “CONCEAL.” A moment later, Sam’s vision blurred as his form grew indistinct..

“You’re hiding from me?” Tommy bellowed a loud laugh. “You are a sissy.” Sam crept through the room, hoping to find a weak spoke behind Tommy’s back. When he was behind Tommy’s back, his friend turned around and stared at the spot Sam stood.

”I can smell you, Sam.” Tommy took a step forward, leaving no doubt he knew where Sam stood. “Danielle told me you were a sissy when she gave me this power. I didn’t believe her … she was right, sissies smell … delicious.” Tommy licked his lips, his massive tongue bigger than Sam’s head.

A mix of embarrassment and fear drove Sam to the floor, breaking his spell. “This is me, Tommy. This is who I’ve always been.” Sam could sense Tommy's confusion as he stared. His friend's had always cloaked his feelings in bravado.

Tommy said, “I know how you feel about me Sam. You’re weak, Sam. I asked you to join me in Chicago because I felt sorry for you.”

Sam searched through his pouch, hoping to find something else in its depths.

“Pathetic. You think one of your trinkets can beat me?” Tommy flexed a bicep as large as Sam’s torso while smoke rose up from Tommy’s snout and sparks shone from his hoofs.

At the bottom of the pouch sat the mirror. Sam reached inside and looked into it. A girl stared back. An image of himself if he’d been born XX instead of XY.

“What’s this?” Tommy returned his famous grin. “Do you need to pretty yourself up before I eat you?”

Sam turned the mirror around and pointed it towards Tommy. “Look at yourself Tommy.”

The minotaur knelt forward intending to bite down but his eyes caught on his own image. As Tommy stared the mirror doubled in size and then again and again. Soon the mirrors grew as large as the minotaur itself.

“That can’t be me. I’m … I’m … I’m hideous.”

Sam pumped magic into the mirror, causing other visions of Tommy to appear. Sam had seen his friend at his best and his worst. He showed him the latter in every frame.

“Stop. Please stop.” Tommy shouted. “It can’t be true. I am not a monster.”

Sam calmed himself, taking several deep breaths in and out. “It is not you Tommy. We’re trapped in a maze of my imagination and you’re my fears personified.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I can control you, if I want, and I want to see my friend in his true form. I want to tell him the truth.”

The minotaur’s form grew dark as thick lines of black smoke drifted into each mirror. When the smoke cleared, only Tommy remained. Seconds later, the mirror returned to its simple form in Sam’s hand. He turned the mirror for Tommy to see.

“Oh thank god.” Tommy said, touching his face. “I’m me again.”

Sam started to say something but Tommy wrapped his arms around Sam, squeezing so hard he struggled to breathe. “Thank you … thank you … thank you…”

Sam fell into the embrace. He’d hugged Tommy before. They’d had countless bro hugs but this felt different. A tiny tickle grew inside him, and burst into the air. The embers from Sam’s magic lit the room revealing sparkling treasure from end to end.

Tommy let Sam go then looked around the room now full of woman’s jewelry and pink dresses. “So you like to wear girl’s clothing? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Sam nodded, “I’ve wanted to tell you.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I thought you’d hate me.”

“I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I let a few scraps of clothing break up our friendship.” Tommy leaned forward, picking something off the ground, and held it out for Sam.

“What’s this?” Sam asked.

“It’s a pretty bauble.” Tommy replied. “I thought a sissy like you might like it.”

“Hey!” Sam cast an angry look.

“I’m joking, Sam. I’m glad you told me the truth.” Tommy offered the item in his hand, “Take this as a token of my apology for being a jerk.”

Sam took the item and held it in the air. It didn’t look special, a simple gold band without any adornment. Sam placed it on his right ring finger.

“It’s a perfect fit.”

“I knew it.” Tommy smiled a perfect Tommy grin.

A portal appeared as Sam returned his items to his magic pouch. He pointed at the shimming orb. “Want to go with me this time?”

Tommy shook his head. “I can’t.”

“I understand.” Sam nodded. He wanted to say more.

Sam headed for the portal, but Tommy stopped him using a firm grip on his shoulder, pulling him back. ”Watch out for Danielle. She’s working with some other lady.”

Sam asked, “Another lady? What did she look like?”

Tommy said, “She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of women.”

Sam nodded, “Blonde hair, blue eyes, and legs that go on forever?”

“You know her?”

Sam took a deep breath. “It’s Crystal.”

“She didn’t tell me her name.” Tommy’s face lit up as he recalled the memory. “She’s better looking than Danielle. When they caught me, I mentioned it and Danielle got mad and she turned me into that monster who wanted to eat you.” Tommy’s eyes clouded over. “Thanks for saving me.”

“I’m your wingman.”

“Always and forever.”

Sam wanted to say more but it wasn’t the right time. He pulled himself from Tommy’s grip, and continued to stare at his best friend as he backed into the portal to continue his journey.

Sam shivered as the colors in the portal flung him through time and space. His body felt light, almost buoyant, as it shed its invisible armor.

"Who am I?" Sam asked the void, the words barely audible over the shifting landscape. The question wasn’t born of doubt but of wonder.

"You are Sam and Samantha," the portal echoed back. "You’re both the dreamer and the dream."

Sam’s pulse quieted, as acceptance washed over him. The battles so far were steps on a journey with more to come.

Sam emerged in a room thick with desire and whispered promises of ecstasy. His chest heaved as he navigated the dreamlike orgy. Writhing heat from the bodies in the room creating suffocating fervor.

"Come, Sam," crooned their voices, both women and men, a tangle of limbs and silk. "Give us one touch, and you'll know bliss."

A cacophony of moans and sighs swelled around him, as a siren song of pleasure-seekers swayed in carnal repose. Shadows danced across the walls, flickering candles giving the room an otherworldly glow. Every surface seemed to shine, like a reality turned molten under the weight of lust and hunger.

Sam willed himself through the masses. Each step a stumble over silken cushions, while hands reached out to touch the essence within.

"Stay with us, Sam," the women purred, their voices a silken caress against his willpower. Sam saw nothing he wanted in this place. He sought something more than pleasures of the flesh.

Their cries grew loud, so loud his Sam thought eardrums might burst. A despair of hope surrounded him, until he saw his true foe through the haze. A siren among sirens led them. Crystal smoked a cigarette while leaning on a pillar near the edge of the gathered throng. Her curvy figure silhouetted against the ambience of the room.

"Come back to bed, Sammy," Crystal cried, patting the hotel’s bed. The mocking lilt in her voice leaving a sour taste in his mouth. Sam recognized the other women she’d gathered around her, the phantoms of flings long past.

“Come to bed with us, Sammy,” they called. The bed grew to an impossible size, beckoning him with outstretched hands and parted lips.
Sam's breaths came in ragged gasps as he fought through his women of yore.

"Sammy, you're making a big mistake!" Crystal cried.

Sam dodged a set of grasping hands, while jumping over another. The crowd tore at Sam’s bones and muscle, his body straining against their assault.

"Let go of me!" Sam's voice cracked, the rejection overwhelming their pitiless laughter. For a moment his torment ended, opening a path to a door. When he opened it, he found a hallway lined with doors for as long as his eye could see.

With little choice, Sam shut the door behind him though he knew it wouldn’t stop the horde for long. He opened the first door on the left, and found a man with a silhouette similar to his own. This version of Sam was lean and confident but he wore no makeup, and no women’s clothes. In fact, he wore nothing at all as his eyes grew distant while staring between his legs at his most impressive endowment. A most handsome doppelgänger, indeed. A half dozen beautiful bodies fought to service him under the table, the sight causing Sam to fall back and shut this door.

Sam ran to the second door, happy to find a more studious version of himself inside. Old library books called out as his bookish twin looked down between the pages. A woman rose from between the pages, licking her lips before planting a warm kiss on serious Sam’s lips.

Another hurried retreat followed, the experience much the same. Popular Sam, Jock Sam, Artsy Sam, Stoner Sam, Emo Sam, Loner Sam. They all looked like him on the outside but differed in the most important ways.

Sam ran down the hall of this Escher-like trap, as the voices burst through the door.

At the head stood Crystal of course, her voice a perfect mix of charm and desire, both sincere and pleading in its tone. “You can’t run forever, Sammy.”

Sam knew Crystal couldn’t be trusted but deep down he also knew she was right. He couldn’t run forever.

Crystal stopped chasing when he turned around. “Come back to the party, Sam. We will have a great time together.”

Sam nodded as he put his arms behind his back.. “I would, you see. All of you ladies are quite lovely.” Sam pulled his left hand from behind his back, now adorned with a gold ring. “But as you can plainly see, I’m bound to another.”

The sight of the supposed wedding band, sent a wave of disappointment down the hall, the conjured spirits disappearing in a flash. Only one remained. Crystal looked pissed. “I know who you are, Sam.”

“So do I.” Sam said. By this statement he caused Crystal to disappear as well and a look back showed everyone gone. A look the other way showed a woman holding open a door. Sam recognized her at once.

“Welcome, Sam.” She called to him in a voice which matched Sam's own, imbued with a clarity of purpose he’d never possessed.
Sam said, “I’ve been looking for you.”

"Why don’t you come inside?" She urged. Her’s was not a command but an invitation. She stood several inches shorter than Sam, with cherry red hair, and a smile poets could never match. “What’s your name?”

The woman gave a kindly smile. “I’m sure you know. We are the same person after all.”

“Hello, Samantha.” Sam looked around the room but no long saw a door.

The woman nodded, then shrugged. “You’ve kept me locked in here for a long time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I understand.”

The two met in a warm hug, Sam breathed in Samantha’s femininity, soaking it into every pore.

“You are safe here, Sam. No one can hurt us in this place.”

Sam looked at Samantha’s room. It had all the stuff Sam had bought over the years - every dress, every bra, all the breast forms, makeup, and wigs, but no door . “This is a dream world, Samantha. I can’t stay.”

“Of course.” Samantha was dressed in one of Sam’s favorite outfits he wore in St. Louis. “So what’s the plan?”

Sam watched his dream girl, realizing she wasn’t any more real than the others he’d met. This woman lived her life in a palace of silk and lace. This wasn’t real life. “I need to tell Tommy the truth. I need to tell him how I feel.”

“Oh, silly me.” Samantha said, “How could I forget about Tommy?” Samantha pointed. “We’ll need that for our date.” She pointed at the armoire on the other side of the room. The dress hanging down matched Samatha’s hair, silken, long, and red. On the floorboard sat matching 3-inch heels.

“Our date?”

“I’m a part of you, Sam.” She winked at Sam. “I like to think I’m the most important part.”

Sam nodded then frowned as he held the soft material against his body. “I can’t wear that dress. It’s too small.”

“Don’t be silly.” Samantha picked up the heels then wrapped Sam in a hug, “We’re running late...” As they embraced, a portal formed around them.

Sam emerged in an arena surrounded by darkness. A familiar face stood nearby.

"Look at you, playing fancy dress-up in your little dream world," Danielle said. Her horns had disappeared. A slinky blue dress adhered to her athletic frame. “I can play dress-up too.”

Sam looked down. The red dress now covered his body as he balanced precariously on stilted heels.

“Is Sam playing at being a girl, again?”

The second voice sneered with honeyed venom. Sam recognized it as Crystal’s. A hazy fog extended from her cigarette, its smoke curling inwards entombing Sam in its web. "Did you think all you need to do is put on a dress and you can become someone else?"

Crystal leaned forward, her impossible proportions casting a long shadow. Her lips twisted into a snarky grin as she flicked ash from the cigarette. "Do you think putting on a skirt makes you special, Sammy? A cut of cloth doesn't make you a woman. Are you worried about what Tommy will say when he sees you? He knows what you carry between your legs."

Sam said, “He knows I’m a crossdresser. Danielle already told him.”

“I only told him about the way you dress.” The ice in Danielle’s words shot frost all over Sam. “I didn’t have the heart to tell him your deluded fantasy of becoming a girl.”

“Did you tell him?” Crystal repeated, “I bet you didn’t say a word because you’re a coward Sam.”

Sam tried to pull out of Crystal’s web but the icy stands held him fast.

"I’ve always known you wanted Tommy." The ice in Danielle's voice now came out as a stream, the layers hitting Sam’s feet first as they encased him in a frozen tomb. “Since the moment I met you, I knew you envied me but deep down you know Tommy’s heart will always be mine.”

Sam tried to fight back, his voice barely audible as the ice and webs tightened around him like a vice. “I .. can’t … move.”

Danielle stepped forward, “Submit, Sam. This is the way it always ends. Go back to sleep and we’ll battle again tomorrow. If you go forward, you know Tommy will reject you. He’s only attracted to real girls like Crystal and me.”

Sam fell to his knees, closed his eyes, and bowed his head as he waited for their final blow. He took a deep breath. And another. And another. A dozen breaths, and no result. When he looked up Sam saw the entire arena bathed in a pink glow.
Crystal’s smoky tendrils pulled at him while Danielle’s ice froze him stiff but Sam felt no pressure and no cold.

A voice sounded in Sam’s head. “You are not alone.”

Sam looked down as his body grew hot. His hips widened as his waist shrank, while Sam’s breasts doubled in size causing cracks to form in the ice. The smokey web pulled on the dress’ fabric dress but it wasn’t strong enough to keep Sam from opening the pouch to find the wand, the magic tome, and his mirror.

It wasn’t the baubles which enabled him to stand. He had power unknown to his foes, because today Sam was not alone. They stood together on this day, making the truth clear to all.

They spoke with one voice. “I am Samantha, as I am Sam, we’re both girls if you didn’t know. Our pronouns are she and her. Please use them when referring to me from this point forward.”

Danielle mocked. “You want us to call you Samantha?”

“How boring.” Crystal added.

Samantha stood, breaking both tendril and ice as she stretched to her full measure. A blast from her wand soon followed, filling the darkened arena with its pink light. Samantha next spoke a word from her tome, adding color to her face. A look in the mirror showed she was almost ready for her date.

Danielle shouted, “Do you think you’ll fool Tommy? You’ve still got that problem between your legs.”

Crystal added, “How can you ever hope to compete with girls like me?”

Samantha shook her head, “You both are fools. This maze has never been about him convincing him. This place isn’t real.”

A flash of Samantha’s power turned night into day driving both Crystal and Danielle into the shadows. Seconds later, the portal formed.

Samantha barely recognized the image staring back even if it had been one she’d dreamed of for most of her life. Long red locks of hair cascaded down her back with green eyes and velvet skin. Her red dress clung to every feature. Tonight she had no use for a magic pouch. She’d morphed it into the purse which now sat on the counter.

"Is this me?" she wondered aloud, the words barely above a whisper.

“Nervous?” Danielle walked out of the shadows wearing the same blue dress as before. She joined Samantha at the restaurant’s bathroom mirror and began applying makeup as if nothing had ever happened.

Samantha asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Same as you.” Danielle pointed at the mirror as she began applying makeup. “Looking this good takes work.”

“Tommy won’t be happy if he sees you tonight.”

Danielle nodded, “That’s true. I hurt him, bad. Do you want some advice?”

Samantha shook her head. “Not from you.

Danielle drew a thick line of eyeliner across her eyelids. “Men like Tommy are nothing but trouble for women like us.”

"You have no right…” Samantha paused. “... wait ... did you call me a woman?” Samantha opened her purse to see if she could find anything useful in battle. Nothing seemed pertinent so she retrieved a tube of lipstick instead.

Danielle nodded, “I know your truth. Even though with that thing between your legs, you can’t battle someone every day for as long as we have without gaining understanding about your foe.”

Sam stared at her dress, praying no one would see the tiny bulge. This conversation had the feeling of a trick but Danielle did sound sincere. Samantha repainted her lips dark ruby red. “For what it’s worth, you were right about one thing. I was jealous of you. I never hated you.”

“It’s my turn to be jealous." Danielle pointed at Samantha in the mirror, as she added dark mauve coloring to her lips. "That dress looks amazing on you.”

Samantha blushed, “Thanks.” As she looked in the mirror, she could feel the tendrils of doubt trying to pull her back into darkness. She looked at Danielle, quite aware her doubt was the source of this woman’s magic.

“Don’t worry. I won’t attack.” Danielle pointed around the woman’s restroom. “This is a safe space for us women.”

“Well … uhh …” Samantha gathered her things and took a last look in the mirror before back her way towards the door with an eye on Danielle. “... I appreciate it.”

“Good luck out there.”

Samantha gave Danielle her best smile. “Thanks.” She almost thought Danielle meant it.

The clink of glassware and the loud hum of conversation contrasted to the beat of Samantha’s heart. The practiced clip of her heels on tile set every gaze her way. Eyes from all corners attacked, and no magic in the world could make it stop.

The stares bore into Samantha like razors but she’d learned how to create day from night. She soaked in the unwanted attention like a sponge, turning it into much needed confidence instead.

Tommy waved from across the room. Across his table sat an empty chair.

“Will he accept me like this?” The negative thought destroyed her confidence, a retreat to the women’s restaurant not out of the question

A look at Tommy showed him smiling, giving the confidence to go the rest of the way.

“Sorry it took me so long.”

Tommy stood at Samantha’s approach. “I’m glad you came to Chicago."

“Tommy, before I sit down…” Samantha said, “... I need to tell you something.”

“I would hope so.” Tommy got down on one knee.

Sam looked at his left hand. The gold ring on his finger now held a large diamond jewel in a setting.

Tommy said, “Please say yes.”

Samantha’s knees grew weak. She felt herself falling but Tommy was faster, catching her in his strong arms.

Tommy asked, “Is that a yes?”

Samantha nodded. “Yes.”

Their lips met in a kiss, creating a bubble no storm could reach. Tommy kissed her again and again, each more tender and passionate. Samantha lacked practice but made up for it with enthusiasm.

Someone in the background shouted, “She said yes!”.

As the crowd roared their approval, a burst of light surrounded them all. Samantha wished she could stay in the moment forever but it was time to wake up.

A pile of blankets covered Samantha when she woke. Tracy sat in a chair next to the bed with eyes closed.

Samantha grabbed a pillow from under her head, then tossed it in Tracy’s direction. She waited until it almost reached climax before shouting,
“Wake up, Tracy!”

The pillow descended lazily toward Tracy, though far short of Samantha’s goal. Tracy caught it without opening her eyes.

Tracy said, “Sam … Sam … Sam … you should know by now I’m always aware of my surroundings. I’ve monitored you all night. You don’t think I’d know when you woke up?”

“It was worth a shot.”

Tracy asked, “Do you remember anything after you went to sleep?”

Samantha shook her head. “I never remember my dreams.”

“Too bad.” Tracy said, “You might have learned something. Some of your mumbles sounded interesting.”

Samantha didn’t answer, concerned with the unfamiliar pitch of her voice. She cleared her throat a few times before responding in a more familiar lower tenor, “What happened?”

Tracy gave Samantha a determined stare, “We can do this one of two ways, Sam. I can run a scan and tell you how it compares to last night. Or you can get out of bed and go look in a mirror.”

Samantha tried to pull off the tangled strands of her wig. “I don’t think I’m ready for a mirror.”

“Looking for this?” Tracy smiled as she held the wig in the air. “You were right, it is in bad need of a brushout.”

Samantha felt hair fall past his ears. “This hair is … all mine?”

Tracy nodded. “Yes.”

Samantha tried to pull the hair back but it wasn’t long enough for a ponytail, “I’m afraid to look.” Her throat had begun to hurt so Samantha allowed her voice to raise to a more comfortable octave, “My voice has changed.”

Tracy nodded, “That’s not all you changed.”

“Does that mean?” Samantha reached between her legs, filled with both excitement and fear, “Wait! I’ve still got my boy parts.”

Tracy grinned, “Check out your chest.”

Samantha’s hands moved higher, finding two fleshy mounds where sore nipples sat the night before.

“Ohmygod! These are huge.”

“Let’s not get crazy. You’re a solid B cup.” Tracy tossed a piece of cloth on the bed. “But you will need Sydney’s sports bra for real today.”

“So it worked?”

“Oh yeah.” Tracy’s voice sounded excited. “It worked.”

Samantha played with her new boobs under the covers.

Tracy asked, “Are you done?”

Samantha shook her head no. Tracy ripped the blankets off the bed.

“Hey!” Samantha said, covering herself. “A little privacy.”

“It’s time to get up, Sam. I let you sleep in but we’ve got training to do. Take a shower and get dressed. I’ll finish making breakfast.”

“All right …” Samantha moaned. She attempted to roll out of bed, groaning when she rolled onto her chest. “Ouch. Goddammit.”

“Hurts doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. Like a bitch.” Samantha rubbed her right boob. “Hey … Tracy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you start calling me Samantha?”

Tracy’s smile grew. “Of course, Samantha.”

Samantha smiled back.

Tracy typed a secure message to Amsterdam while sitting at Tommy’s kitchen table.
Chrysalis performed beyond wildest imagination. Definite Level 3. Probable level 4, maybe higher. Skill set would make her an invaluable asset.

Steve leaves the cocoon of his small town into a world that he's ill prepared to face as hidden feelings begin to emerge. Can he find the courage to accept that he might not be like everyone else?

Chapter 1

“It is easy to see the truth in hindsight but we are often blind during the journey.“

No one was home and Steve found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table. He’d thought about doing this many times and he had to try it. The table was literally begging him to sit down in front of the mirror.

“Why am I here?”

He tried not to give it much thought as he grabbed a tube of mascara and loosened the cap.

After a deep breath, he brushed the applicator over his lashes. He knew he’d done something wrong as his eyes started to burn and when he looked in the mirror and he saw that his eyelashes were now pitch black but so were parts of his eyelids. Tears streamed down his face and he smiled despite the pain. The results didn’t look anything like what he’d expected but he felt a strange feeling in his stomach.

“Steve we’re home!”

Everything was a blur. Steve put the cap back and rearranged his mom’s room as best as he remembered. He ran to his bedroom and into the attached bathroom. Hearing footsteps, he plunged his head into the sink and scrubbed his eyes until they started to hurt. He knew something was wrong because he still felt a sticky weight on his eyelids. A quick look in the mirror confirmed that his scrubbing hadn’t removed much.

A voice came from outside his door, “Steve, can you help me bring in the groceries?”

“In a minute mom!”

Panic fueled his thoughts as he stared into the mirror, “Waterproof!”

As the panic subsided, he started to think.

“Soap!”

He followed this thought with another brilliant idea.

“Washcloth!”

Steve began scrubbing his face like never before in his life. The soap on the washcloth took a grayish hue, which was a good sign. After a full minute of scrubbing, he rinsed his face in the soapy water and looked at the results. Most everything was gone but he missed a few areas. As he picked at the remaining flecks of mascara with a finger, he felt relief.

He took one last look in the mirror and saw bloodshot eyes staring back. He didn’t have time to wait as his mom wasn’t known for her patience. Right on cue, he heard her voice outside his bedroom window.

“Steven!”

He sprinted outside just as she was pulling out the last bag of groceries.

“Thanks for the help.”

“Sorry Mom.”

She started to hand him the bag. “Is everything ok?”

Steve felt his face flush as he stumbled for words, “What do you mean?”

“Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?”

Steve lied, “Nah mom, I just took a shower and got soap in my eyes.”

“Oh … ok. Well you know you can talk to me if there’s something wrong.”

Steve replied, “I know that mom,” not believing a word he said.

Steve listened in to his parent’s conversation later that day.

“Steve lied to me today.”

“Really? What about?”

“His eyes were red and I think he’d been crying. I asked him about it but he said he’d gotten soap in his eye.”

His Dad replied, “Well he did just break up with … what was her name again?”

“Suzanne.”

His dad added, “Yeah that’s it, Suzanne. He told me he broke up with Suzanne because he’s about to go away to school and didn’t want the distraction. Maybe he had more feelings for her than he realized.”

“I don’t know. He worries me.”

“Honey, we’ve done the best we could. All we can do now is pray that he listened. The rest is up to him.”

Steve thought he heard footsteps and retreated to his bedroom.

“If they knew the real reason my eyes were red, they’d really flip.”

Chapter 2
(Three years later)

Steve’s hand shook as he dialed the number. After the second ring, someone answered the phone, “How may I help you?”

“Is this the university counseling hotline?”

“Yes it is.”

Steve wiped his eyes. “I’m not really sure what to say”.

“You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. Let me ask you a few questions and maybe hearing my voice will make you feel better.”

The woman paused which Steve assumed was so she could pull out a card with the appropriate line of questioning.

“Anything you say is totally in confidence and won’t be repeated outside of this phone call.

I’m here to help in any way that I can. If you don’t mind answering why did you call?
“I just needed someone to talk to.”

“Are you thinking about harming yourself?”

“No…. I mean … a little maybe … I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“Like how? “

“I keep having these thoughts, bad thoughts.”

“Have you hurt anyone?”

“No not like that. It’s like …” Steve took a moment to blow his nose. “It’s like I’m just different and I want it to stop.”

“Many people feel that way. Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“I really don’t. I can’t. It’s just too embarrassing.”

“Have you talked with anyone else about it?”

“Well, I’ve got a friend and I’ve given him hints but I’m sure he has no idea.”

“Do you want to talk to someone else?”

Steve laughed, “Didn’t you already ask that?”

Steve heard her laugh, “Yes you are talking to me but I’m talking about talking to a professional. The school offers professional counseling if you are interested.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“I’m going to need to give me your name, address, and a contact number. Are you ok with that?”

Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. “You aren’t going to send someone to my house are you?”

The woman laughed again, “Not if you promise me you are ok.”

He realized she already had his information from caller ID. That made even more nervous that he could expect a knock on the door any moment.

“I promise.”

“OK. Dr. Johnson had a cancelation tomorrow morning at 9am. Will that work for you?”

“At this point, anything will work for me.”

“9am it is then.”

Steve added, “I’m tired and I think I want to go to sleep.

“Are you feeling better?”

Steve thought about it for a moment then answered, “Thanks, I really think I am.”

“That’s what we are here for. Just make sure you make it to Dr. Johnson’s office tomorrow. She’s really great. I think you’ll like her.”

Steve hung up and lit a cigarette. As he exhaled, he looked at it,

“Just another bad habit I’ve picked up in the last year.”

He walked into the bathroom and saw mascara had run down his cheeks but he’d expected that. He scrubbed the makeup from his face and watched as the colors washed down the drain.

Chapter 3

As his father had always reminded him, Steve liked to stand out from the crowd. A look at the pictures from his senior prom was proof of that. Everyone else wore standard issue black or white tuxedos while Steve wore a maroon tux with a pink shirt and cumber bun. The fact that it was a perfect complement to his date’s dress was secondary.

He had to be different.

Steve had gotten used to standing out from others from his success in sports. Although he wasn’t very tall (only 5 ft. 9 inches) or big (150 lbs.), Steve was the starting wide receiver on the high school football team. A desire to improve his speed led him to the track where he surprised even himself by winning the county championship in the mile. This success put him popular with his classmates and made it easy to find dates. Turning dates into girlfriends was a different story altogether but he never gave it much thought until he met Kathy.

"Dammit! Why am I so weird?"

Steve got to the therapist’s office 15 minutes early and filled out the paper work. He handed it to the receptionist who told him that Dr. Johnson would be available in a few moments.
A short while later, a short woman with brown hair walked into the room.

“Steve?”

He nodded and she waved him in.

Like all guys his age, Steve did an immediate overview of Dr. Johnson -- late 30s, decent rack, and great legs. As she walked to her office, he noticed a few other things. She wore very little makeup but what she wore highlighted her features. The business suit was just a bit shorter than he imagined most women her age would find comfortable but her legs made it work. On her feet, she wore black 2-inch wedges that Steve imagined would be more comfortable than heels.

He shook his head. Two years ago wouldn’t have noticed any of the subtle details. He’d gotten worse.

Dr. Johnson interrupted his thoughts, “Your file is marked urgent but you left the questionnaire blank. What brings you to my office today? ”

Steve wasn’t sure how to answer. “Well …. You see…. Ummm… It’s like this. Well, I’m not sure.”

Dr. Johnson smiled as Steve continued to stammer, “How about we start over? My name is Angie Johnson. I’m a certified counselor and have a degree in clinical psychology. Why don’t we just chat for the next hour and see where that gets us. I will take a few notes and I want you to keep in mind that anything that you say in this room will stay between us. Sound good?”

She held her hand out to Steve.

Steve took her hand and shook it, “Sounds fair.”

“Why don’t we start with you telling me about your past. It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular. I just want to hear some things you’ve done in the past 5 years.”

This subject was easy for Steve and he told stories of his mom, his dad, and his hometown. He spoke about his success in sports, his faith, and his life goals which consisting of graduating then getting a good job.

Doctor Johnson interrupted, “I noticed you didn’t mention dating?”

Steve felt uncomfortable. “I’ve had plenty of girlfriends, just none worth mentioning. I like to play the field.”

“Do you consider yourself a ladies man or were any of these girls more special than the others?”

Steve said, “I went out with a girl named Kathy for six months but that didn’t work out.” He looked at the floor.

“Tell me more about her.”

Steve felt himself unable to speak. Why did she have to ask about Kathy? They went out and she broke up. It was as simple as that. He answered, “She was great. We just didn’t work.”

“Why not?”

Steve was getting annoyed. “It just didn’t.”

“I take it she ended it.”

“Yeah.”

“When was that?”

“About six months ago.”

“Are you dating anyone now?”

Steve said louder than he meant. “No.”

Dr. Johnson paused for a second before continuing. “What about sleep? Are you getting good rest every night?”

“Not really.”

“Any idea why?”

“Not really.”

“Any interests outside of class?”

“None really.”

“What about drugs? Are you taking any drugs that you didn’t want to admit to on your chart? This is just between us.”

“I drink wine but that’s about it.”

Dr Johnson wrote something in her notebook, “How much?”

“I don’t know. Maybe 2-3 bottles a week?”

“When was your last date??”

Didn’t they already talk about his dating? “When Angie and I broke up. I already told you that. Doc, this is starting to feel like an inquisition.”

Dr. Johnson didn’t answer and continued to write in her notebook. When she finished, she said, “We are almost out of time so let’s recap th…..”

Steve felt a sudden panic and blurted. “See here’s the thing - I think I’m gay but I’m not sure because I don’t like guys and I know I loved Kathy but she won’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I’m a freak and she might be right because I’m not like other people….”

Dr. Johnson was writing and holding up her hand for him to slow down.

“I mean I think things, things I don’t really understand and I try not to understand but I do feel things and then I act on them and like I started smoking which I hate but I do it anyway and it makes me feel bad but I like it and well … see here’s the thing. I like to dress in girls clothes.”

The corners of Dr. Johnson’s mouth curved slightly as she spoke. “Slow down. I can only write so fast. We are just about out of time but I think we’ve made good progress today.”

This comment surprised Steve, “What? Progress? How?”

“I was concerned when you arrived that your request for this session came from the counseling hotline but when you got here you didn’t want to talk about it. Now you do. That’s progress.”

“It didn’t feel like much.”

“Trust me it was. We need to meet more but for now I’m going to prescribe some meds to help you sleep better at night.“

“That’s it? Doesn’t it worry you Dr. Johnson that I might use them to kill myself?”

“Call me Angie and if you wanted to do that there are many other ways you could do it. A good night’s sleep can cure many problems but if you need to talk, here’s my card. The number can get in contact with me day or night.”

“OK.”

“I have a free slot on my schedule every Thursday at 2pm. Can you meet at that time every week?”

“Sure.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 4

As Steve walked home, he thought back to his freshman year. College for many kids from city is the next step in the process. College for a country boy like him is culture shock of extreme proportions. He often thought it would be like taking someone from the 1800s and sending them to Vegas for a weekend. Many small town kids can’t handle it and Steve knew he was no different. He almost fell over the first week at school when a guy in his dorm introduced himself by saying,

“Hi, I’m Tim and I’m gay.”

A breeze could have pushed him over. He’d never known anyone that was openly gay. People in his hometown never discussed the topic and when they did it was in hushed tones. Tim on the other hand seemed proud of announcing it to everyone.

He laughed when he thought about his first trip to the communal showers after Tim’s announcement. Tim stood naked in the shower and Steve hesitated to enter. Tim noticed it and embarrassed him by asking the group if they thought that Steve was too scrawny to be a proper date for a guy like him. Everyone laughed.

No one seemed to care that Tim was gay and it took a while but eventually it dawned on Steve that Tim was pretty much the same as everyone else. The only thing different was he liked guys instead of girls. Steve tried not to think about the sex part but Tim didn’t make it any easier. He knew Steve was uncomfortable with the subject and he loved to tease him with tales of his sexual conquests. That didn’t stop them from becoming friends.

Things started to feel normal after the shock of the first month. Steve definitely liked the freedom that came with not having his parents around. He learned a new appreciation for alcohol and that gave him the confidence for the first of many sexual encounters. Classes were easy and there was a party every night so it left a lot of time for experimentation. He knew the freedom changed him forever and his dad let him know he didn’t like some of the changes especially since he’d let his hair grow out.

“I’m not paying for you to go to school to come back as a foul mouthed hippie.”

Steve knew his language had gotten bad while he was away but he also knew he’d make a bad hippie as he’d tried to smoke a joint and decided it wasn’t for him. He satisfied his Dad with the comment that his hairstyle copied current trends in Nashville and promised to watch his language in the future.

That first year at school was liberating and once he returned home, he couldn’t wait to go back. The world was much different than he realized and his high school friends seemed boring in contrast to the ones from school. They noticed the differences in him too but mostly that he replaced his normal jeans and a T-shirt with dockers and a button-down shirt. His mom was glad to see him wearing nicer clothes but less so when they went shopping for his sophomore year. The conversation reminded him of the discussion they’d had when he picked out the maroon tux for prom. This time she took a direct approach to voice to let him know she wasn’t happy.

“You want a pink shirt?”

“It will make the girls think I’m sensitive”.

His mom shook her head. “If you say so.”

Steve knew his mom was too reserved to ask a bold question like … “Are you gay?”

Like all mom’s her forte was guilt trips and now, even two years later, he laughed as he remembered their conversation. Even though he was friends with Tim, the idea of homosexuality seemed foreign. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d even understood what the word faggot meant. That was when the story of Johnny Collins made its way around town. Steve was in 8th grade and he remembered the town’s reaction like it was yesterday.

“Did you hear that Johnny Collins boy went off to college and now is a queer? “

“Yeah I heard that.”

“He was such a good kid. Why would he go off and do something like that?”

“Who knows but I really feel for is his mother.”

“Me too. I will say a prayer for them.”

Things like that just didn’t happen in his town. When the scandal broke, he tried to sympathize with Johnny but for the life of him couldn’t figure out why anyone would be gay. Steve knew he liked girls.

The day he bought the pink shirt his mom asked him if he’d run into Johnny Collins. Steve smiled. “No mom. He graduated last year.”

She gave him a blank stare then pursed her lips, “I blame his parents. You have to instill the right values in your kids or that will happen. I know that would never happen to you and your brother because your father and I raised you right.”

Steve did agree with his mom in that respect. He wasn’t gay because he’d been raised right. It was as simple as that.

Chapter 5

Steve showed up early to his next appointment with Dr. Johnson feeling excited to finish what he had started the week before. He hoped she could help him. Today Angie had on a long blue dress, high heels, and a lot more makeup. Steve stared at her technique until he noticed her staring back.

She asked with a slight smile, “Good to see you again Steve. How was your week?”

“Great thanks. I slept much better.”

“That’s good to hear. The root of many problems can come from a lack of sleep,” she picked up her notebook and read for a bit before continuing, “We ran out of time last week so why don’t we pick up where we stopped?”

Steve felt uncomfortable starting the discussion. “Where was that?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “Come on Steve.”

Steve looked at the ceiling and started. “Well. The thing is I don’t know what my problem is and that’s why I decided to come and see you. I mentioned that I’ve been dressing in women’s clothes?”

Doctor Johnson nodded and scribbled a few notes. “Yes.”

“It started last year and I can’t explain it. The first occasion was a stupid costume party. Kathy literally begged me to dress up like a woman for Halloween and we both liked it so much that we used it to role play but she grew bored of it. I found myself thinking about it all the time. I loved the feel of the dress and the makeup and I started wearing it even when I was alone in my apartment. Evenutally Kathy found out. I tried to explain but she freaked out. I told her it wouldn’t happen again but a few weeks later she found my secret stash of items I’d been buying and she wouldn’t listen. We broke up a few days later.”

“Does Kathy smoke?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Just a hunch.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, I never smoked until we met and I didn’t try it until we got serious. I was always after her to quit but I eventually gave in. I didn’t like it much but it seemed to bring us closer. After we broke up, I tried to quit a few times but eventually I found myself doing it all over again. I’m easily up to a pack a day.”

“I noticed you carrying menthol 100s. Is that Kathy’s brand?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you smoke in public?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does it bother you to smoke in public?”

“A bit at first but I got over it.”

“How do your friends feel about it?”

Steve laughed, “Friends? I guess the ones that have seen me were disappointed but they really haven’t said much.”

“What about your parents?”

“They don’t know and I can’t tell them because it would crush them. My dad still holds out hope I’m going to go out for the track team in the spring. I don’t have the heart to tell him I doubt I could jog a quarter mile without needing to stop.”

Doctor Johnson made a few more notes. “Why do you care so much about what your parents think?”

“Well they’re my parents. I mean they always told me that smoking was bad and here I am ignoring their warnings. I know they are right but I just can’t stop.”

“None of us are perfect Steve. How do you know they wouldn’t accept it?”

“It’s just different. I can’t disappoint them.”

The conversation drifted for a while until Dr. Johnson said, “We are almost out of time but I think we are making good progress.”

“We are? We didn’t talk about much.”

“We spent the whole time talking about your feelings instead of the last two minutes. I’d say that’s progress.”

“If you say so Doc.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 6

As Steve walked home, he considered what Angie had said about Kathy and smoking. It’s funny she picked up on that as he’d never connected the two before. All he knew was he really missed her. Everything had all started so promising but then again he hadn’t told the Doctor everything. It was hard to talk about.

His sophomore year started just like freshman year. His new look was definitely a hit with the ladies which lead to a lot more parties and a lot less studying. For some reason, he found he had as many girl friends as guy friends. These settled into a series of platonic relationships, which led his male friends to complain that he needed to share his harem. His response was always, “You guys just don’t understand.”

Things changed when he met Amy and Sue. He met them late one night in a bar and they were nice enough to offer him a ride home. He was a too drunk to give proper directions so they let him crash on their coach. When he woke, he realized they lived less than a block from his dorm and before he knew it, he was spending most of his free time in their apartment. His partying had hurt his grades and Steve knew he needed to pull back from the bar scene. Their apartment became his refuge and they began a routine of drinking wine in their apartment and watching old movies after they finished their studies.

It was nice to have good friends like Sue and Amy though he couldn’t have known they would doom his relationship with Kathy before it started. He remembered the exact date. It was the morning after his 20th birthday.

Steve had been partying all night with his friends and he decided it would be funny to make a late night visit to their apartment. It was a Tuesday night and he woke them before passing out on their couch. As he slept, they plotted their revenge. He woke late the next morning and saw they were gone. He didn’t take time to think about it as he was late for class and ran home to get his books. He didn’t have time for a shower so he put on a hat and ran to class. As he was running, he noticed that people were staring but ignored it. When he got to class, things started to make sense when he noticed his lab partner was also staring at him and she asked,

“Are you wearing blush?”

He rubbed his fingers on his cheeks and saw a reddish powder on his fingertips. He blushed for real as he lied, “I don’t think so”.

At this point, the exertion of running all the way across campus caused him to sweat and it started dripping across his face. She laughed, “Perhaps you aren’t wearing blush but now your mascara is definitely running”.

Steve made a dash for to the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he saw his face was a swirl of colors from the makeover he’d received while sleeping. All the funny looks he’d gotten as he ran to class now made sense. As he scrubbed his face, a memory of his mom’s dressing table flashed in his brain. He scrubbed harder then returned to the classroom.

When he sat, he whispered to his lab partner, “I’m going to kill my friends.”

She laughed, “It actually didn’t look that bad until you started sweating.”

“I’m still going to kill them.”

That afternoon, Amy and Sue broke into laughed so hard they started crying as Steve told them the story. They especially liked the when he told them about the classmate complementing them on their handiwork.

Steve specifically remembered Susan’s comment. “You know, you actually were pretty easy to make over. I think you’d make a pretty believable girl.”

Steve blamed his slender build. It had always been a curse. He’d always been smaller than his most of his friends and his older brother teased him unmercifully by calling him a runt. It didn’t help that his brother had the husky frame of his dad.

Despite the prank, Steve started to spend even more time with Amy and Sue. Nights on their couch became commonplace and their friendship evolved into the closest relationship he’d ever known outside his mom and dad. The fact that it wasn’t sexual didn’t bother him in the slightest which is why the conversation with Sue at the end of the year really made him mad.

“I love you like a brother and I really don’t care if you are but I have to know. Are you gay?”

The question stunned Steve, “What?!?! What do you mean?”

“Just answer the question. Are you gay?”

Steve answered, “Of course not. I’ve slept with dozens of women in the last two years. The number of men I’ve slept with remains at zero.”

Sue didn’t let up. “But you aren’t serious with any of them. You jump from woman to woman without any real intent. You don’t even seem to like women all that much.”

Steve answered sarcastically, “I like you two.”

“That’s the thing. I’m glad we are friends but I’ve practically thrown myself at you since we’ve met and you’ve never taken advantage. Why stay here so much if you aren’t interested?“

Her question hurt, “I like to think it is because I value your friendship.”

“I don’t know Steve. There’s something that isn’t quite right about you.”

Steve didn’t know how to respond. He’d been good friends with Sue for over six months. How could she ambush him with a question like that? He needed to talk to someone and could only think of one person to call that might understand.

Tim was surprised when he called as they’d lost touch since freshman year. They decided to meet at the college union for lunch.

Steve started the conversation, “I have a question and you were the only person I could think to ask.”

Tim didn’t say anything.

Steve asked, “How did you know you were gay?”

Tim smiled. “Why do you ask?”

“Why do you think? “

“I’m sorry it’s just … well… that’s a funny question coming from you.”

“Please, I’m serious and this is tough for me.”

“I know it is and I’m sorry. It’s just that this isn’t that easy for me to talk about either.”

This surprised Steve. Tim had always been open about his sexuality, “But you’ve always seemed so nonchalant...”

“Trust me, it’s an act but I think it is different for everyone. I knew from a young age that I was attracted to men but it was confusing. I mean it’s not like there’s a handbook on these types of things. I didn’t want to be different so when I was a teenager I went on a few dates with girls but it didn’t feel right. It isn’t like I have no attraction to women but there was no spark. I worked through a lot of self-hatred but eventually I went out with another guy. I can’t explain it but it just felt right. I’ve never looked back after that.“

“I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“Then why are you asking?”

Steve stumbled, “Well see there’s this girl. And you see…”

Tim nodded as Steve paused.

“You can’t ever repeat what I’m about to say. You’ve got to promise me.”

Tim said, “OK”.

“I mean really promise me.”

Tim laughed and raised his right arm, “OK. I promise not to repeat what you are about to say.”

Tim had picked on Steve but knew he could trust him. “Thanks Tim. This is just hard for me. You see I’m wondering … well ... I’m not really sure but someone told me they think I might be gay and I’m wondering if they might be right.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I go out on a lot of dates but I can’t seem to find a girl I want to be my girlfriend. Some of my friends have noticed it and even a few have commented on it. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Let me ask you a question – Are you attracted to men?”

“No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Do you ever have gay dreams?”

Steve laughed, “No, never.”

“Are you attracted to women?”

“Definitely.”

“I’m no therapist but you don’t sound gay to me. I had gay dreams long before I ever thought about asking anyone out. I think it was my subconscious mind trying to point me in the right direction but it took me a long time to listen. Do you have many odd dreams?”

“All the time but they rarely involve anything sexual.”

“Your best bet is to talk to a professional but in my opinion you are just an asshole with commitment issues.” A smile crept on to Tim’s face.

“Fuck you too Tim”, Steve said smiling. “And thanks.”

They both laughed as they shook hands before parting, “Anytime Steve. If you do decide to join the other team, look me up. I’ve been told I give a heck of a …“

Steve covered his ears at the start of one of Tim’s favorite taunts, “La-La-La … I’m not listening!”

Finals sophomore year came soon enough and another school year was over. He returned home and was once again amazed to find how little had changed while he was gone. He spent his summer in the fields. It was hard work but the pay was decent. His dad was still complaining about his “hippie hair” and on the hotter days he considered cutting it but decided instead to pull it back into a ponytail. He spent his nights catching up with his high school friends at a local tavern. It seemed like half his class had already gotten married and most of them had kids on the way. He couldn’t imagine settling down that quick.

He loved a few things about being home. Mom had dinner on the table every night at 5:30 and she did his laundry every week. After dinner, Dad was in his favorite chair complaining that the liberal media was ruining everything and that the country was going to hell. Even now, a year later, Steve smiled as he thought about it. The whole town showed up to church on Sundays to hear Pastor Dan give another of his famous sermons. Steve knew he always felt better after hearing one of his stories.

Working in the fields was boring and that gave Steve a lot of time to obsess about Sue’s comment. He thought about talking to Pastor Dan but the whole thing was too embarrassing. Thoughts crept into his subconscious. That summer was when the first dreams occurred but they were nothing like the one’s that Tim described. 2-3 times a week he woke in a cold sweat with the memory of sitting at his mom’s dressing table while Amy and Susan applied makeup to his face. They worked for hours and when they turned the chair to face the mirror, he saw a beautiful girl staring back.

The memories of this dream haunted his thoughts. What did it mean? As luck would have it, his parents were shopping in the city on one of his days off. They’d be away for hours and he couldn’t help himself. Again he found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table looking at the confusing array of bottles. There were all sorts of eyeshadow, a few types of blush, mascara and eyeliner, crèmes and ointments, nail polish, lipstick, and lipliner. He’d never paid much attention to just how much stuff women used to make themselves beautiful. He shaved and did what seemed to make sense. He applied base then quickly added eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara. It took a lot longer than he expected and it was a lot more difficult than he’d ever realized. He even poked himself in the eye again. He added blush then applied red lipstick and lipliner for the final touch.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, he laughed as the image from his dream looked nothing like this. The eye shadow was applied unevenly and he’d put on enough eyeliner to make a raccoon jealous. The blush and bright red lipstick combined to make it look like he was a candidate for the circus. After a last glance in the mirror, he put everything back where he found it and retreated to his room. He sat in bed with a content feeling as the makeup dried. He fell asleep and woke in a panic until he realized his parents weren’t home yet. He hurried into the bathroom and scrubbed his face.

It would have been nice if the shame of that afternoon was as easy to wash away.

This is part 1 of 7 and I plan post another part each week. If you can't wait, you can find the entire story at fictionmania under the name "Small Town Journey".

As Steve finds help and begins to accept his truth, a challenge is set to spread his wings. Someone might be too enthusiastic.

Chapter 7

Steve returned to college for his junior year and that was when he met Kathy. Amy knew Kathy from high school and convinced her transfer to their school. Kathy was unlike any woman Steve had ever met. She smart, sexy with a sarcastic wit and before he knew it, he had fallen head over heels for her. As he thought back, perhaps it was just lust. Whatever it was, he didn’t think long on how it might affect his friendship with Amy and Sue. After Sue’s comments the previous year he was determined to make this relationship work.

Everything was great until the Halloween party.

Doctor Johnson started the next session with a tough question, “Was the first time you dressed as a woman that night with Kathy?”

Steve hesitated.

She broke in, “I can’t help you Steve if you don’t tell me the truth.

“Not really.”

“What do you mean by not really?”

“Well I experimented a little before that.”

“How’d it make you feel?”

“Bad.”

“Why do you think you did it?”

“I don’t know. I just did.”

“Did you masturbate when you were wearing makeup before you met Kathy?”

Steve’s face turned a deep crimson color. “No! Why would you ask that?”

“Are you telling the truth?”

“Yes. Of course.”

“OK. Let’s move talk about after you and Kathy broke up. How does it feel when you wear women’s clothing?”

“I really can’t describe it. I just feel comfortable.”

“Do you get aroused?”

Steve hesitated, “Sometimes.”

“And you’ve masturbated a few times haven’t you.”

“Yes.”

“What do you think about during?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me the truth.”

Tears streamed down Steve’s face, “I think about being a girl! Is that what you want to hear?”

Angie answered, “Only if it’s the truth.”

“Why would anyone say that if it weren’t true.”

Doctor Johnson continued, “What do you think about after you are done?”

The question surprised Steve, “Huh?”

“After you are finished masturbating. What do you think about?”

“Ummm … I don’t know. Not much. I can’t remember.”

“Do you change back into your “normal” clothes afterwards?”

“No. I pretty much spend my nights and weekend dressed in women’s clothes.”

Angie wrote on her notepad. “You spend all your spare time in women’s clothes?”

Steve nodded.

“What do your friends think of this?”

“My friends don’t know.”

Doctor Johnson looked from her notepad. “How can your friends not know if you are always dressed up?”

“It’s because I’ve become antisocial since Kathy and I broke up. I pretty much spend all my time alone in my apartment dressed in women’s clothing.”

“No one visits you?”

“Nope.”

“How is that possible? It sounded like you had a pretty active social life before you dated Kathy.”

“I did but over the last two years I started to spend all my time with Kathy’s friends. When we broke up, it was too awkward to continue to meet and we lost touch.”

“What about old friends or people you meet in class?”

“I’ve found that if you say no enough times, people will eventually stop asking you to go out.”

Dr. Johnson wrote on her notepad then said, “OK.” She glanced at the clock. ”We are about out of time but I want to touch on one thing before you leave. It worries me that you have pushed all your friends away. You don’t have to tell them anything but I really think it would be a good idea for you to get out of your apartment.”

Steve shrugged, “I guess I could talk to my gay friend Tim. He’d understand if anyone would.”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “Your gay friend Tim? You do realize how bad that sounds?”

“Sorry.”

“What’s your friend’s last name if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Donelson. Tim Donelson”

Steve saw a hint of a smile cross Dr. Johnson’s face, “Ok, meet with your friend Tim and I’ll see you back here next week.

“Thanks Doc.”

Chapter 8

As Steve got home he changed into what he thought of as his “comfortable clothes”. He found the process of putting on makeup to be relaxing and as he started his routine, he thought back to the first night he went completely en femme. Sue and Amy had a huge Halloween party and Kathy suggested that they turn the apartment into a brothel as that year’s theme. Steve would be their pimp and they would be his girls. Sue liked the idea but added her own twist.

“Did we ever tell you the story about Steve’s last birthday? I’m thinking Steve should work for you instead.” Kathy loved the idea.

Before Steve knew it, the girls had planned everything. Sue and Amy were in charge of the costumes and alcohol. Kathy and Steve were in charge of the decorations and food. When the big day arrived and he finished the decorations, Amy and Sue took over.

Amy ordered him into the bathroom to shower and shave. As he was just about finished, Sue knocked on the door, “When you are done put these on. I think you can figure it out.”

She had handed him a pair of underwear but they weren’t like any underwear he’d ever seen before. He put them on and as he pulled them up he realized they were much tighter in certain areas and pulled his penis down and back between his legs. He had a little trouble pulling them tight until he realized he needed to push his testicles up into his body. He still remembered the shiver of that feeling as he tightened the gaff. It wasn’t pain as it didn’t really hurt. Emasculated was close but not quite right either. As he rubbed his hand over his groin and felt nothing there, he got a thrill he hadn’t expected. As he posed in the mirror, he remembered being aroused by the look. He even strutted around the room but stopped as his arousal was making it uncomfortable to walk.

When he exited, Sue and Amy burst into laughter, “That has to hurt.”

He answered, “It ain’t exactly comfortable.”

When they stopped laughing, they ordered him to sit in the chair, “Hurry, we need to get ready too.”

It wasn’t long before they started commenting on his looks.

Sue said, “I never realized you had such high cheekbones. This base really brings that out.”

Amy added, “And I’ve always been jealous of your pouty lips. This lipstick will help them stand out more.”

Steve endured these comments and more as they pushed and pulled his body in unfamiliar ways. They applied all sorts of crèmes and colors until they were finished.

“Done! Kathy come out and tell us what you think.”

Kathy walked into the room and said in a shout. “Wow Sue you were right.”

Sue answered, “Just wait until we get the dress, wig and the other surprises.” The girls laughed.

Steve grew suspicious at the last comment but knew he was at their mercy, “Other surprises?”

Sue’s face took an angry demeanor, “Just sit there and be quiet, bitch. I’m your pimp momma tonight and you are just one of my ho’s.”

Kathy laughed, “Someone is getting into character a bit early.”

Next came the panty hose, which weren’t too bad considering the underwear had already done the tough part. Pulling them up and feeling nothing as the fabric tightened against his front was definitely a new sensation. Next came the padded pants which reminded him a little of the pads he wore to protect his tailbone and hipbone in football. After that a corset was applied which they tied as tight as they could around his waist. Sue explained that the goal according to the salesperson that sold them the items was to give the appearance of wider hips but a small waist.

Next came the bra. Steve had never worn a bra though admittedly the thought had crossed his mind a few times. Sue and Amy had gone overboard on this too as it was a special bra with foam padding to mimic real breasts. As they fastened the clasp Steve looked in the mirror and once again felt himself start to be aroused. Luckily, the gaff held everything in place. The pressure from the bra felt like it actually improved his posture as it forced his shoulders back and his “boobs” out.

“This feels really odd.” Everyone stared back nodding their approval.

Sue and Amy each took a hand and applied extra-long press-on nails to each of his fingers. They were painted deep black and he remembered telling them, “You sure put a lot of thought into this.”

Amy and Sue started to laugh hysterically and Steve started to feel self-conscious. The only thing that remained was the leather miniskirt and matching leather top. After that, they strapped him into a pair of black 3-inch heels and as he tried to stand, he fell back into the chair. He’d never worn high heels before and they were certainly a learned experience. As Sue called for Kathy to see the final product, she handed him the leather whip that matched the outfit.

Steve asked, “Where’s the ball gag?”

Steve remembered the response as something like “We ran out of money.”

He was never completely sure Sue was joking. When Kathy came out, he swore he thought her jaw was going to hit the floor. He felt the same way when he looked in the mirror. It was strange. He knew he was looking at himself but he felt different. It was almost like his dreams had come true. He even felt like a different person, freer somehow.

The party itself was funny as no one paid him any attention until someone mentioned they were surprised Steve wasn’t at the party. When Sue stopped laughing, she spilled the beans. By that time the alcohol was flowing and Steve’s memory wasn’t perfect but he did remember being happy.

The party died down around 1am and went Steve into Kathy’s room to change into something more comfortable. The combination of long nails and alcohol made that impossible. As he sat on the bed trying to take off his heels, a silhouette appeared in the doorframe the whip in hand.

The crack of the whip got his attention and Kathy ordered, “What do you think you are doing?”

“I was taking…”

She cracked the whip again, “No talking or there will be punishments! There is no Steve only Sara.”

Steve smiled as he saw where Kathy was going. “Sara is yours to command.”

The next hour was a blur and Steve couldn’t remember a more pleasurable evening in his life. He was never entirely sure of Kathy’s thoughts as they never discussed it afterward. When Kathy excused herself to go outside for a cigarette, Steve followed. When she lit hers Steve asked for one and Kathy laughed, “Since when did you start smoking?”

“Sara’s always smoked.”

Kathy shook her head at the comment and handed him one. He clumsily put it in his mouth and she lit it for him. After nearly choking after the first try Kathy helped him take his first steps to becoming a smoker. He remembered getting a buzz from the nicotine that bordered on nausea. His last memory of the night was kissing Kathy softly on the forehead and telling her for the first time that he loved her. She said she loved him too.

It seemed like things would be that way forever but it only took another few months before it was over.

Why couldn’t he make it work with Kathy? She was pretty much everything he’d ever wanted. Why did he screw it up? His actions that led to their breakup played constantly in his mind like a bad movie. On the bad nights, it always led to more drinking until he passed out in front of the television.

His college career was almost over and turning out to be a major disappointment. His grades had never been great and now with his recent troubles since he broke up with Kathy, he was dangerously close to flunking out entirely. The conversations with Dr. Johnson helped but he still spent every night alone in his apartment. Maybe meeting with Tim would help. He’d pushed Tim away but he’d always been forgiving.

Steve worked up the courage to call him the next day. “Hey Tim. It’s Steve. How’s it going?

“Not bad. You?”

“Well … that’s why I’m calling. Do you have some time to meet?”

“Sure thing… Student Union?”

Steve took a deep breath, “I was thinking that perhaps you could you come over to my place?”

Tim laughed, “This isn’t some elaborate plot to seduce me is it Steve?”

“If that were the case Tim I’d just say it. You always were a slut.”

Tim said. “And I see you are still the charmer. How about tonight at 7?”

“Sounds great.”

“See you then.”

Steve started to get ready for the evening and he thought about what he’d say to Tim. Meeting at a restaurant would be nice but they wouldn’t have any privacy. It also would have been too easy to avoid the difficult subjects. He decided to invite Tim to dinner at his apartment and spent extra time getting ready. As he looked in the mirror, Steve was reasonably happy with the results but mattered little. Tim would be shocked no matter how good his makeup looked. Steve finished up some homework and heard a knock on the door at 6:55 PM.

”Here goes nothing...,” and Steve opened the door.

Tim stood speechless and a strange look came over his face, “Steve?”

“Yeah.”

“I barely recognized you … err um … nice outfit.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come in and I will explain.”

Tim sat on the couch without a word while Steve grabbed two glasses and a wine bottle. As he poured, Steve tried to ignore Tim’s stares.

“Please stop that.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop staring so much.”

“I’m sorry Steve but this is a shock. I really didn’t recognize you.”

Steve lit a cigarette, “Well, you are the first person that has seen me like this.”

Tim said, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

“It’s another bad habit I picked up recently.”

“You should quit.”

“Yep, I should.” Steve took another drag and blew smoke in the opposite direction.

The room grew quiet. Tim sat without speaking for a few moments then asked, “So what do you want?”

Steve felt like he was about to cry but forced himself to speak. “Dammit I don’t know. I just figured I could talk to you.”

“Because I’m gay? ”

“Kinda.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit insulting. I’m probably as messed up as anyone. I hope you don’t think I have any answers.”

“I guess I just figured that you would understand if anyone did. I know you went through a lot freshman year and thought you might be able to help.”

“Yeah that was a tough year. I remember a particular bigoted hick that made my life hell the first semester.”

Steve looked away, “Yeah, I know. I was stupid. I didn’t know any better. Didn’t we become friends after that?”

“Yeah once you took the time to get to know me. I’m over it now but I didn’t like you much at the time.”

“That’s one of the things I’m worried about. I mean I know personally how mean-spirited people can be. I just needed someone I can trust to talk to that I thought might understand. That’s why I called you.”

“I guess that’s fair. I’m no expert though.”

“I appreciate it. You see here’s the thing … I’m so fucking confused. Every night, I get home and I dress like this. I don’t dare let anyone see me so I’m always alone. I wake up the next morning and can barely look at myself in the mirror but as the day progresses, I can’t wait to get home and change again. It’s to the point I feel more comfortable dressed like this but I can’t go outside and it is making me miserable.”

“I’m sorry Steve but I’m really not comfortable talking about this.”

Steve lost control and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. “I just need a friend dammit!” He looked down as the tears hit his blouse.

Tim put his arm around his shoulder, “I’m here. I just don’t know what to say.” Tim grabbed a towel and wiped the tears from Steve’s face. “But I’m here.”

Steve lowered his head and put it on Tim’s shoulder. No one said a word until the timer on the oven went off. Steve didn’t say a word and went into the kitchen.

Tim asked, “What’s for dinner?”

“Nothing fancy. Just a pasta dish I like to make.”

“It smells fantastic.”

Steve took the food to the dining table and Tim brought the wine. They both ate silently until Tim asked, “How’s the job hunt going?”

“Not great. I’ve let my grades slip and most companies won’t even talk to me. How about you?”

“I’ve got interviews with a few schools so I’m pretty hopeful.”

Steve responded, “That sounds great.”

Tim smiled. “Things sure have changed since freshman year”.

“What do you mean?” Steve said defensively.

Tim said, “I don’t mean anything by it it’s just that I was so sure of everything when I was a freshman. I had all the answer to life’s questions. Now I’m constantly questioning myself. ”

Steve looked down at his outfit and laughed. “Are you trying to say something?”

“Yes and no. Hear me out for a second. I mean I thought I really understood what I wanted from life but things aren’t that simple. I thought all I had to do was to get away from home, get away from mom and dad and everything would be better. I’ve always heard that the toughest part of being gay was coming out. Don’t’ get me wrong it was tough. Telling my parents was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do and the aftermath wasn’t much better as they kicked me out of the house. We’ve mended our relationship gradually and we have come to an understanding. They don’t ask and I don’t tell but the problems don’t stop with your parents. Every day I meet new people and I swear I can almost feel the whispers. It’s getting better but people are so damned judgmental. It’s like I have to come out every day and it can be exhausting.”

Steve repeated his question, “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“A little but I guess I told you that because I really wanted to ask a question. What’s your point of meeting me dressed like this?”

“I really don’t know. It started last year. Actually, it’s actually been going on longer but that’s beside the point.” Steve took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. “I really like dressing in women’s clothing. I’m not sure why but I think it is part of who I am. It’s hard to describe but when I’m dressed like this it feels … right. It’s to the point that I’m always dressed as a woman whenever I’m home. I’ve been doing it for so long that I really look forward to Friday’s when I can be myself for the whole weekend.”

“Two whole days? I thought you said I was the only one that has seen you like this.”

“For the last two months I’ve pretty much ignored anyone that wants to do anything. I shut myself in here and watch TV and smoke a lot of cigarettes.”

“That doesn’t sound healthy Steve. When did you start smoking anyway? I remember you as being an anti-smoking fanatic as a freshman.”

“I was and I am. I know that sounds odd from someone holding a cigarette but it’s just a bad habit I picked up from my ex and I haven’t been able to stop. It’s honestly to the point that I think cigarettes are the only thing keeping me sane and I know that is crazy.”

Tim laughed. “So you are a chain smoking shut-in?”

“I’d put it nicer than that but it’s about right. Every Sunday night I get depressed thinking of Monday. The next day I put on my ‘regular’ clothes and go to class but they don’t feel right anymore.”

“Have you ever thought of going out dressed as a woman?”

“Are you kidding me!?!?!?”

“No. If it is so important to you that you are depressed when you aren’t dressed like that then why not?”

“I just can’t. People will stare. Then they will make comments. Eventually I’m sure someone I know will find out and I just can’t deal with that.”

“Yeah? So fuck ‘em if they can’t handle it.”

“I can’t handle it.”

Tim shook his head, “I know from personal experience there will always be haters. Did you ever go to a therapist like I suggested?”

“Actually I did.”

“And?”

“She’s pretty cool. She was the one who told me I should reach out to a friend.”

“And you thought of me? I guess I feel a little honored.”

“You are the most open minded person I know.”

Tim changed the subject, “I’m glad to hear you are seeing someone. It has helped me a lot.”

“You go to counseling too?”

“That’s why I suggested it. Everyone goes through things they need to talk about. It’s really nice to get another person’s opinion to help through things I can’t work out. Angie has really helped me.”

Steve laughed, “Doctor Johnson???”

“Yeah she’s my therapist. She’s great.”

Steve doubled over in laughter, “Yeah … I know. That’s who I’ve been seeing too.”

“You’re kidding. Seriously? “

Steve nodded, “Yeah, I’ve only seen her for about three weeks but she’s helped me. I told her I was thinking about talking to you.”

“I bet she thought that was funny.”

“Probably. Now she gets to hear about tonight from both of us.”

Tim put his hands on his hips in mock anger, “What makes you think I want to waste my time with the doc talking about your lame ass. I got serious issues to discuss!”

Steve shook his head but he was smiling, “Whatever Tim, do you wanna watch a DVD?”

“Are you changing the subject?”

Steve looked at Tim and didn’t say much for a few seconds. “Yes, and I really appreciate you coming over here.”

“You’re welcome Steve. It is still Steve right.” Tim laughed.

Steve answered, “Oh fuck you. That’s cold.”

Tim said, “I could say a thousand things like that and we still wouldn’t be even for freshman year.”

Steve answered, “Yeah you’re right, sorry about that.”

Tim was smiling. “Water under the bridge man. You just need to learn how to take a joke or you will never make it.”

“Well … I am feeling kind of gay right now so I guess that’s a start.” Steve started the DVD.

Tim said, “If that was an attempt to hit on me, I’m sorry but I’m not into girls.”

Steve turned down the lights and answered, “That’s good because I’m still not into men either”.

The two friends laughed and sat to watch the opening credits. Steve found himself looking at Tim and knew he was lucky to have a friend like him. A mental image of kissing Tim popped into Steve’s head and he forced it out.

When Steve arrived at Doc Johnson office the next week he noticed she was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and had a big smile on her face.

“Tim told you.”

“I can’t talk about a session with another patient.”

“Bullshit.”

“We’re on a real fine line here and I will confirm that Tim is a patient of mine and has been for a few years. “

“I can’t believe he has been seeing a therapist. He’s always seemed so sure of himself.”

“Most people hide their true feelings. Speaking of which, I heard through the grapevine that you had dinner with a friend last week dressed in women’s clothing. That’s progress.”

“Yeah. I decided if I was going to meet with Tim, it was time to share my secret.”

“That’s really great. I think you will find having a friend will be very important.

“For what?”

“We really haven’t talked much about why you called the university counseling center in the first place.”

“You never asked.”

“I wasn’t sure if you were really ready to answer it but I think you are now. Do you know why you called?”

“I think it is pretty obvious since I’ve been shut up in my apartment for almost 2 months.”

“That’s not why you called, that’s just a symptom of why you called. Why did you call?”

“Because I was depressed.”

“I’m sure there was more to it than that.”

“Honestly Doc I’m not sure what you mean. If you think I was going to kill myself I can’t say the thought didn’t cross my mind but I don’t think it was a serious thought.”

“So why did you call?

“I don’t know. Perhaps it’s because I look in the mirror and don’t know who I am anymore.”

“Did you ever?”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t.”

“You mentioned last time you thought you were gay. Why do you think that?”

Steve was getting angry, “Have you been listening to me!?!?”

Doctor Johnson smiled. “Do you have feelings for men?”

The mental image of kissing Tim popped into his head, “I don’t think I do but I’m a bit of a mess these days.”

“At the risk of sounding like a professor I want to tell you few things. I personally don’t like the term gay because a person’s sexuality is much more complex than one word can possibly describe. Not everyone agrees but I personally like to think that sexuality is made up of four things – genetic sex, gender identity, social identity, and sexual orientation.”

“That made no sense.”

Doctor Johnson laughed, “I didn’t think it would but I wanted to introduce the concepts. Next week is Thanksgiving so we won’t be able to have our normal Thursday meeting but I’d like you to check out a few books from this list at the library. They will give you a much better understanding.”

“That’ll work out since I’m planning on spending the whole time in my room.”

“Aren’t you going home to be with your family?”

“Yeah, I meant my room at my parent’s house.”

“Part of the reason I wanted you to go out with Tim was to get you out of the house. That didn’t work exactly as I expected so now I’d really like it if you made an effort to socialize with some of your friends back home.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s all I can ask. I’d also like you to tell your parents about your smoking.”

“What? Why?”

“Let me ask you … Did you smoke over the summer?”

“Yeah but I only did it when they weren’t around.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if they already knew especially if your mom still does your laundry. Things like that are hard to keep a secret. Honesty is usually your best option and you really should tell them. None of us are perfect and the main reason parents get disappointed is they don’t like to see their kids repeat their own mistakes. They will adjust in time.”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“How do you expect to ever figure out who you are if you are always lying about yourself to others?”

“All right doc, I’ll think about it.”

Doctor Johnson looked at Steve and it felt like she was trying to read his thoughts. “It’s a start.”

“OK.”

“We are almost out of time but I have to ask one last thing.”

Steve nodded.

“I have a colleague that is doing testing for a research project and I think you might be a perfect candidate. He’s got an opening the Monday after Thanksgiving and I’d like you to see him. His research will be helpful with our discussions and I hope to have the results at our next meeting.”

“Sure, whatever.”

“You don’t sound sure.”

“Sorry, this has been a tiring session and your earlier comments have me worried about my trip home.”

“Are you nervous?”

“A little.“

“That’s normal. You’ve got a lot on your mind and you really need to relax. That’s why I gave you homework.”

“If you say so. I’ll try.”

That’s all I ask. See you in two weeks.”

“See ya doc.”

Tim called a few days later and after gossiping about their separate meetings with Dr. Johnson, Steve realized that Angie had asked Tim to follow up. It was great to hear from him and they agreed to meet for drinks the next night.

Tim saw Steve across the bar and sat down at his table, “Oh hey Steve. I almost didn’t recognize you without your mascara and lipstick.”

Steve looked around to see if anyone heard.

Tim looked apologetic. “Sorry Steve but I wasn’t kidding when I said you need to learn to not be so sensitive if you ever plan to go public. It was a hard lesson for me and some people aren’t as accepting as others.”

“Are you ever going to let me forget that? Sorry. I was a jerk.”

“That’s not what I am saying. After you got to know me we became friends but there are many ignorant people in the world that aren’t that open-minded. You can’t let them get you down.”

Steve changed the subject, “Hey speaking of my issues….” He smiled and pointed under the table. Steve had pulled up a pants leg to reveal he was wearing a pair of stockings under his pants. “I thought I’d try it out. Honestly it’s feels great.”

“That’s great. Small steps.”

“I never considered looking forward to cold weather but I’m already thinking of all the different things I will be able to try once it’s sweater season.”

Tim shook his head, “Oh my god, I’ve created a monster!”

They chatted aimlessly for hours like any good friend then said their goodbyes. As Steve walked home, he felt great. It had always bothered him how badly he’d treated Tim when they first met. He’d said some really stupid things but Tim never held a grudge. If Tim were vindictive, he now had all the ammunition he needed to get back at him but Steve trusted Tim. He was pretty sure people in their situations couldn’t afford to lose true friends.

Steve goes home for Thanksgiving and finds it a different world than the one he left.

Chapter 9

Steve replayed the sessions with Doctor Johnson in his mind during the drive home. He wasn’t sure if they were helping but he knew he felt better after their talks. He’d even checked out the books Dr. Johnson had suggested. He’d made one other life changing decision and quit smoking cold turkey. He had been smoke free for almost 8 hours and had bought some nicotine gum to help him get through the weekend.

The house looked the exactly same as he pulled into the driveway which seemed jarring as his world felt like it was spinning out of control. As he entered, he heard his mother at her usual spot in the kitchen.

“Hey Mom I’m home.”

She didn't answer but he knew she probably didn't hear his call. He'd recognized most of the cars in the driveway and he knew how much she obsessed preparing for weekends like this to make sure everyone was comfortable. He definitely recognized Grandma and Grandpa Robinson's car, a few Aunts, Uncle Sal, and a few of his cousins. He knew his brother wasn’t there yet as mom had told him earlier he’d gotten delayed at work but she expected him to arrive later that night.

Steve took a quick shower and sat down on his bed to relax after the long drive. Nothing had changed in his room in the three plus years since he’d left for school. The room felt comfortable but it felt a little like putting on an old baseball glove. It still fit and somehow it wasn't the same anymore. He closed his eyes to try to sleep but the tick of the clock on the wall held his focus. He'd won the clock at a charity event in the 5^th grade and while the clock lost a minute every hour he never had the heart to throw it out.

Thoughts of his childhood set off a wave of panic so he picked up the two books he’d checked out from the library earlier that day. The one called ”Human Sexuality” looked too big so he started reading the book called “Undoing Gender” instead. He had only read the first first few pages when his dad knocked on the door.

“Dinner’s about ready. Wash up and come to the table to get something to eat.”

Steve noticed his dad’s eyes pause for a moment on the bigger book sitting on his night stand. He saw his dad open his mouth as if he was about to say something but then he turned and walked out of the room without another comment.

Steve shouted after him, “Be there in a second Dad.”

Steve put the books in his book bag and put the bag under his bed. There was no sense in leaving it out as he knew that would only invite more questions. The buzz of the conversation got louder as he walked up the hall to the maelstrom of a family holiday.

His family loved to get together and the best part was always the conversations at the main table. At past gatherings he'd always managed to be a passive bystander since he usually sat at the children’s table. Since his brother was late his dad invited him to sit with the grownups next to his Uncle Sal.

Sal gave a curious glance, “How’s school?”

“Not bad. I have final exams in two weeks then one more semester and I’m done.”

“Any job prospects?”

Steve felt himself blush as he lied, “Not yet but I’m still interviewing.”

Sal nodded, “It’s a bad time to be looking for a job.”

“No doubt.”

His dad changed the subject as Steve's mom placed a plate of vegetables and some dip on the table, “What was that book I saw you reading earlier?”

Steve knew his face turned from a slight blush to full panic crimson. He looked around the table but six pairs of eyes gave no quarter.

“Um… it’s from an elective class I’m taking called “Human Sexuality”. It’s a class about um … men and women and their … err … relations.”

Steve jumped as Sal’s hand hit him in the back,

“A chip off the old block eh? You know your dad was quite the ladies’ man back in the day until my sister got her claws into him. You’re smart to learn how they think. I'm twice your age and I still don't understand women but I know I’d give anything to be 21 again.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Stop it Sal! You’re embarrassing the boy.”

“Sorry mom.” Uncle Sal said. Steve heard his cousin Sandy’s laughter from the kiddie table and he gave her a cross look.

Steve’s dad seemed annoyed by the change in topic and he changed it back, “What kind of class is that to be taking? You are a business major.”

Steve tried to calm himself. “I needed an elective.”

“I hate to think I’m paying good money for a class like that.”

Steve responded without thinking, “Technically the money is from the trust Grandpa Kelton set up for me in his will.”

No one said a word and Steve watched as his dad’s face reddened like his own. Steve had never been so bold as to contradict his dad in public but he'd gone too far with his lie to turn back now.

“Look Dad, electives outside your major are required to graduate and besides, this is one of the most popular classes in school. I was lucky to get in.”

Steve felt Uncle Sal's hand on his shoulder in what he hoped was a sign of support while his Dad grunted something under his breath about what he thought of the so-called liberal education at the state universities. A few moments later their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door and followed soon after by a shout from his brother Keith and the sound of his wife and children as they walked down the hall.

“Happy Thanksgiving everyone!”

Steve saw his Mom glance towards the sky in what he though must have been a quick prayer of thanks. She followed it by saying to the whole group, “Perfect timing. The food is about to come out of the oven.”

While the commotion of the newcomers distracted everyone, Steve retreated to the safety of the kiddie table and spent the rest of the evening in grateful silence then hurried to his room.

Steve knew he should be studying for finals but “Understanding Gender was a relatively short book and he finished it about 3 in the morning. The book was different than anything he’d ever read. The main premise was that sex and sexuality were much more complex than he'd ever realized. The first and most important component of sex of course was genetics but there were other factors. The book focused on three three things: Gender ID, Social ID, and Sexual Orientation.

Genetics was easy to identify as all it took was a test. If you were born XX then you are a genetic female. If you were born XY then you are a genetic male. For many people sexuality stopped with genetics but the book explained it further.

Gender ID was how someone saw their gender.
Social ID was how other people viewed a person’s gender and sexuality.
Sexual Orientation in its most simple form was the attraction to the same or opposite sex.

It could get confusing as any person could be born male or female, see themselves as male or female but look/act to outsiders as a male or female and be attracted to either males or females.

A straight man was born male, saw themselves as male, could look male or female and was attracted to females.

Some people believed that attraction to the same sex was a learned trait while others felt you were born that way. The most frustrating part was no one knew what caused it. The book was adamant that no one was really 100% male or 100% female in terms of social ID, gender ID, or sexual orientation.

Steve got out a notepad. At the top he wrote down “Who I am?” with the header M <----> F.

The first category was easy to answer, Genetics - Male. 100%.

He wrote down ”Sexual Orientation”. Steve knew he was attracted to women but his recent thoughts about Tim worried him. He didn’t know where these thoughts came from or why he had them. He only knew that he could not ignore them so he wrote 80% Male.

Next came “Social ID”. This was tough question to answer as he’d always tried to emulate his dad’s gruff nature but he didn’t know how well he’d been able to pull it off. After all, this was someone else’s opinion of his masculinity and he couldn't control that. He knew his high-pitched voice and small frame didn’t help much. He settled on 60% Male.

The last was “Gender ID”. This was the toughest and as he'd learned, the root of all his problems. How did he see himself? After 20 minutes of struggle, he wrote 50% Male and went to sleep.

Steve woke to a shout, “Happy Turkey Day!”

Steve pulled his head out from under the covers and saw his mom standing in the doorway.

“What time is it mom?”

“Time for you to get up. I let you sleep in as I know you were up late studying but everyone else has taken their shower. The rest of the family will be getting here soon so you need to get ready.”

“Ok Mom.” It was nice to know that some things didn’t change. His head hurt and he knew he could really use a cigarette. He popped a piece of nicotine gum in his mouth and headed to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later, he walked into the chaos of a family holiday.

He waved to his mom as he entered, “Food smells great.”

“Oh great you’re ready. Can you go pick up a few things from the store? Here’s a list.”

“Sure thing.” He grabbed the list and the keys and started to head for the door.

His cousin Sandy asked, “Can I come along?”

Steve said, “I’d appreciate it. I imagine the store will be crazy this morning with last minute shoppers and I could use the company.”

He was right – the parking lot at the local grocery store overflowed with cars and they had to park down the street. As they walked through the parking lot, Sandy raised her hand, “Hold up a second. I need to do something first.”

Steve shrugged. “OK.”

Sandy gave him a queer look then looked him straight in the eye, “I need your promise to keep this between us.”

Steve said, “Um sure… whatever.”

She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lit one and took a deep inhale, “Ah damn I really needed that.”

Steve must have had a shocked look on his face because Sandy added, “Remember our promise.”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“You know me. I’m the rebel in the family.”

Steve knew that wasn’t really true. Sandy was the product of the marriage between his Uncle Sal and Aunt Margerie though technically she wasn’t his Aunt anymore. They had gotten a divorce when Sandy was ten and for years the family grapevine was full of gossip about Uncle Sal and his wild child. Sandy and Steve were born a year apart and they had been close as kids but didn't see each other much anymore as she lived “with the hippies” in the city as his dad described it. Since then Steve had only seen her on rare holidays but it was never the same. He was glad to hear that she recently seemed to have turned her life around and enrolled in college.

As he waited for her to finish Steve said, “I hear you got into school”.

“Yeah. I’m going to nursing school. I’m in my second year.”

“And the smoking? When did that start?”

“Oh it’s a bad habit I picked up at work. I work part-time as a waitress for extra money and dealing with all the idiots can be stressful. I saw the other waitresses go outside for a smoke breaks to relax and I figured … why not? Now I can’t stop.”

The pressure in Steve’s chest that had been building for two days was becoming unbearable as he watched Sandy take another drag. It was like a hunger but he wasn’t hungry. Without thinking, he popped another piece of gum in his mouth but he knew it wasn’t the same.

Sandy laughed, “Was that nicotine gum?”

Steve tried to change the subject, “Let’s get the groceries. If we take too long Mom will wonder if we got lost.”

“So it was nicotine gum! I bet you’d love to have one of these”, she said as she waved the pack in his face.

“I don’t smoke.”

Sandy smiled, “Uh huh … sure.”

They got the groceries without incident and Thanksgiving day settled into a series of usual patterns. Mom had made more food than they could have eaten if they were double their number. The television was on in the living room and all the sports fans had congregated there. Dad stayed in the dining room and held court to explain to anyone that would listen about politics and the moral decline of America. The grandmothers ended up in the family room which was where all the latest gossip could be heard. Steve usually shuttled between all three but as he knew all father’s speeches by heart and the football game was a blowout he went into family room to make his appearance.

“… so is it true she is shacked up with …” Aunt May stopped talking and everyone stared at Steve.

Steve said with a snarkish grin. “So who is doing what to who now?”

Everyone broke into a laugh. “Are we that predictable?” Grandma Kelton asked.

Steve smiled, “I’ve noticed a few trends over the years.”

“College is a safe subject. How’s that going?”, Grandma Robinson asked.

“It’s ok I guess. It’s almost done which is good.”

“Have you found anyone special there?” Aunt May asked.

He thought of Tim and forced himself to think of Kathy. “Not really.”

“You gotta start moving boy if you want to have a family.” Grandma Kelton replied with a smile but it seemed less friendly than the same jabs she’d given him as a teenager.

“I honestly haven’t thought that far ahead. I need to graduate and get a good job first.”

Grandma Robinson came to his defense. “That’s smart. Get established first and then settle down. You need to be able to take care of a family before you start one.”

Grandma Kelton sighed, “It’s amazing how time has flown by. It only seems like yesterday that our kids and grandkids were babies. Now we are talking about our great grandkids.”

An uneasy silence settled over the room as the group of women struggled to find something in common with the 21 year old boy. Steve felt the urge to leave like he did every year when they embarrassed him but Aunt May spoke first.

“Does anyone remember the Fourth of July when Sandy dressed Steve up in her clothes?”

Steve turned as the comment caught him off guard. “Huh?”

No one said a word but Aunt May didn’t seem to notice, “You all have to remember that. They did it on Thanksgiving too. I would have loved to have kept a picture. You two were so cute!”

Steve felt his face redden,“I don’t remember that at all.” He had a funny feeling this was a popular topic on the holidays and maybe even had been discussed before his arrival.

Grandma Kelton answered with a straight face, “You were pretty young. Only 7 or 8 year old.”

Steve started to feel lightheaded as he searched his memories but couldn't remember a thing, “That's probably it. I’m going to go get some more food. Does anyone want anything while I'm up?”

No one responded.

As he walked away, he heard Grandma Kelton whisper louder then she intended, “May, you never know when to shut up….”

Steve considered talking to Sandy but she spent the entire afternoon watching football with her dad in the living room. He couldn't get the memory of Aunt May’s comment out of his head and the harder he tried to remember the more frustrated he grew. Everyone left after the 2^nd game so Steve's only remaining option for information was his mom. He had to find out more but didn’t want to press too much as he knew he was treading on dangerous ground that might invite uncomfortable questions.

Steve said, “Aunt May told a funny story today. She teased me about the time when I was 8 years old and Sandy dressed me in her clothes. Do you remember it? I don't remember doing it.”

His Mom had never been much for deep philosophical conversations and she didn't say a word for a few seconds. “You probably don’t remember because there was no reason to talk about it. We were at your Grandma’s house and you walked in to the living room dressed one of Sandy’s skirts. You had this big silly grin on your face and everyone laughed but I certainly didn’t and neither did your father. I’m surprised you don’t remember.”

“Not even a little bit. She said I did it more than once“.

“Yeah, you did it again on Thanksgiving. You really don’t remember this?”

“I really don’t.”

“I would have thought that second night would stick in your mind since your dad gave you quite a spanking. We even had Pastor Dan talk to you about it. Thankfully there was never a repeat.”

Steve felt bile rise in his throat, “Yeah. I can’t believe I did that.” He popped another piece of gum in his mouth.

The next day seemed boring in comparison to the holiday as the house was nice and quiet. Everyone had gone home though Steve heard that Uncle Sal and Sandy were spending the weekend at Grandma Robinson’s house. Steve spent most of Friday studying though he managed to squeeze in a few chapters of the “Human Sexuality” book. His head was starting to hurt as the gum wasn’t working anymore and he knew his lungs ached for a cigarette.

The phone rang about five o'clock. It was Sandy.

“I’m bored.”

“Me too.”

“Want to meet at Conrad’s at 8pm?”

“Sounds good.”

There wasn’t much to do in town and that was especially true after hours. Most businesses closed by 7pm and all of the restaurants were closed by 9. The one exception was Conrad’s Bar and Grill, which while it was technically a restaurant, no one went there for the food. Some folks had made a push to close it down but the sheriff convinced them it was safer to have all the drunks in one spot. Over time, the locals began to joke that if you wanted to see the police after 10pm all you had to do was go to Conrad’s. They were always there.

Steve got there a bit early and found Sandy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette.

“Want one?”

It took all Steve’s willpower shake his head no, “I don’t smoke.”

“Still sticking with that story?”

“Yep.”

“Your loss.” She crushed what remained of her cigarette under the heel of her shoe and they entered the bar.

Sandy shouted over the music, “This place hasn’t changed a bit.”

Steve shouted back. “Does anything around here?”

A woman walked by and let them know to pick any seat and she’d be over to serve them in a minute. The place was about half-full with the regulars sitting around the bar. Steve saw a few familiar faces but it was still early. He had hoped to see a few people from school but figured most of them wouldn’t show up until later. He started to order a glass of wine but changed it to beer when he realized he was at Conrad’s. He doubted they even stocked wine. He took a few sips of beer as he watched Sandy sway to the music. The silence felt uncomfortable so he decided to force a conversation.

“How often do you get back to town?”

“Almost never. I visit the grandparents occasionally but I usually meet dad halfway. I’m bored out of my skull here.”

“It’s not so bad. I miss it.”

“It can be nice but you know how cliquish it is. I’ve never felt welcome since Mom left town. I do miss you though.”

Steve smiled, “Yeah, we used to have a lot of great times together. I had to look out for my little cousin.”

Sandy said, “Who are you calling little? You’re not much bigger than me.”

Steve raised his arm to order another round of drinks.

Sandy asked, “So let’s cut the shit. Why won’t you admit that you smoke? You’ve been going through a ton of that gum. It’s not like I care.”

“You are a chicken too. Didn’t you make me promise not to tell the grandma? Does your dad know?”

“Yeah he does but just didn’t want any of the relatives finding out. They already hate my mom. This would be just one more thing they’d say was mom's bad influence. I can hear Grandma Robinson now, ‘That woman can’t raise a proper child!’ I swear I hate the holidays.”

Steve laughed, “That was a good Grandma Robinson impersonation but if you must know I smoked for a while but I quit.”

Tracy smacked the table, “I knew it. How long have you quit?”

Steve gave his cousin a broad smile, “Going on about 60 hours now.”

Sandy said, “You haven’t quit, you are just hiding it from your folks.”

Steve shook his head, “I don’t smoke anymore. I’m done.”

Sandy pulled out her cigarettes and grabbed one out of the pack. “If that’s the case I hope you don’t mind if I do.” She lit the cigarette then did a slow inhale and blew the smoke right at Steve. He wasn’t expecting it and couldn’t help but inhale some of the second hand smoke. He closed his eyes as his body screamed for more.

“Goddammit Sandy. Give me one.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because now I feel bad ... It’s like I’m corrupting you.”

“Cut the shit Sandy.” He drained his beer and motioned to the waitress. “Bring us another round and two shots of whiskey.”

Sandy said, “Are you trying to get me drunk? If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to take advantage of me. Even this county has rules against that kind of thing between cousins.”

“No, I have decided that I am getting drunk and you are welcome to join me. “

“That sounds like fun.”

When the drinks arrived Steve picked up a shot glass, “To getting drunk!” They clinked shot glasses and Steve downed it in one gulp. As the warmth of the alcohol coursed through his system, he felt the effects as it spread through his body.

“Sandy. I’m not kidding. Give me a damned cigarette.” This time she passed it to him and he lit one. He inhaled and felt the tobacco smoke as it entered his lungs.

“Ah … I really missed that.” He exhaled and smiled at his cousin. “Where’s that waitress? I need another drink.”

Chapter 10

Steve felt pain everywhere and it hurt to open his eyes. He lay on the bed without moving for as long as he could stand it as a series of questions formed in his mind.

“Where am I?”, “How did I get here? “, and “Did I do anything stupid?”

Steve answered the “where” when he moved his head enough to see he was in his room at his parents’ house. That lead to a panic-stricken thought of “how” as images from the previous night flashed in his mind. He remembered drinking a few more drinks while he and Sandy solved the world’s problems. After that, they took over the dance floor which was easy since no one else was there. Then he remembered having a few more drinks but everything was fuzzy. He remembered a bunch of people from high school showed up and he introduced them to his cousin. He vaguely remembered hitting on a girl that was about 3 years younger. She told him she’d always had a crush on him in high school and he'd considered doing something about it but … oh damn… he remembered running for the back door. Everything went black after that.”

His Dad walked in the room as Steve tried to piece everything together. His dad flipped the switch and the bright light hurt Steve's eyes so he covered his face with a pillow.

His Dad said, “I bet you feel like shit this morning. Well you should. Now take a shower and get dressed, we have things to do.”

Steve tried to move but pain shot through his head. “Dad we need to talk…”

“Oh believe me we are going to talk. Now get your ass out of bed. I mean it.”

Steve stood unsteady on two feet and barely made it to the bathroom before falling to all fours and as he spent the next minute dry heaving into the toilet. When it was obvious his body had no fluids left, Steve turned on the shower and got in. The hot water felt great on this body and he wanted to close his eyes but every time he tried, the whole world seemed to spin and he felt himself falling. He leaned against the wall to steady himself and stood there until the water started to get cold. He still felt sick to his stomach but he did feel much better after the shower.

As he walked up the hall, he noticed the unmistakable smell of bacon coming from the kitchen and the nausea returned. As Steve walked to the source of the smell he took a deep breath and muttered under his breath.

“This is not going to be fun,”

Mom was at the stove but didn’t look at him when he entered. Dad was sitting at the head of the dining room table reading the morning paper and ignored Steve. Steve sat and didn’t say a word. Whether it was due to the hangover or the situation his head started pounding again and he rubbed his temples.

His dad noticed. “Head still hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

His Mom placed a big glass of orange juice and two aspirin on the table. Steve thanked his mom but she didn’t respond as she walked back into the kitchen to finish cooking.

His dad took the opportunity. “You know you really scared your mother last night.”

“I’m sorry dad. I know it was stupid. Umm … can you remind me what happened?”

His dad's face looked grim. “That doesn’t surprise me. We were watching television about midnight when a car pulled into our driveway. I figured it was you but a minute later I heard a knock at the door and saw that Deputy Carter had you in the back of his cruiser. It seems he found you behind Conrad’s on all fours emptying your stomach by the side of the steps. Since you were in no shape to drive he brought you home.”

Steve remembered Sam Carter from high school. He was a captain of the football team and had graduated a few years before Steve. Steve remembered him as a hell raiser but a good guy.

“That was nice of him.”

“He could have put you in jail for drunk and disorderly or worse he could have waited until you got in your car and pulled you over for DUI. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know.”

“You stunk of puke and alcohol and god knows what else when you got home. You mother used a washcloth to clean you up and put you to bed. She was worried that we needed to take you to the emergency room to have your stomach pumped but the bartender assured the deputy it wasn't necessary as most of what you'd drank was already on his back porch. That didn’t stop your mom from waking every hour to check on you. You owe her an apology.”

“I’m sorry dad.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her.”

His mom entered the room with a large plate of waffles and bacon. Steve wasn’t sure he could keep it all down but there was no way he was going to refuse his mom at this point. Steve broke the uneasy silence. He had to explain.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some problems I’ve been having. It's embarrassing to talk about but my grades have fallen and I'm sure no companies will recruit me. I don’t have any job prospects and probably won’t have any until long after I graduate.“

His mom interrupted, “You were doing so well…” His dad raised his hand to let Steve finish.

“I was doing well mom but the last year has been tough. I never mentioned it but I met a girl I really liked last year. She broke up with me right after spring break and I didn’t deal with it very well. I’m still not dealing with it well.” He started to cry. “I really thought she was the one.”

His mom put her hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m sorry to hear that son but I’m sure you will get over it. Time heals all wounds.”

Steve tried not to laugh as his mom had a corny saying for every issue. “I know you're right Mom but I haven’t handled the breakup well and picked up a few vices in the meantime. Kathy was a smoker and I picked up the habit from her. Now I can’t seem to stop.”

His father frowned and his mother looked at him with what Steve hoped might be sympathy. His mom said, “You should have listened to me when I told you that you shouldn’t smoke. Not only is it bad for you but it is impossible to stop once you’ve started.”

His dad cut in, “It’s not impossible if the person tries hard enough.”

Steve had heard this argument a thousand times and hoped it might move the focus from him. His parents had both been smokers before they got married but quit when his mom was pregnant with his older brother. Mom started up again after Steve was born but his dad never did. His mom tried to quit occasionally but it never lasted very long.

“Believe me I know mom and I’m trying.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth and he also knew he was leaving out a lot of important details. “I don’t want you to think my drinking has gotten out control too. Last night was the first time I’ve gotten that drunk in two years. I learned my limits the hard way in my freshman year.”

This time his Dad interrupted. “That’s no excuse son and we are going to make it up to your mother. First, I’m going to drive you to Conrad’s to get your car. The longer it’s there the more people are going to talk though it’s probably pointless. Second, you see that pile of wood in the backyard?”

Steve nodded.

“Winter’s coming and I need to you split those logs for the fireplace. After you finish that, we will figure out what you are going to do next.”

Steve’s head began to pound but he knew better than to argue, “Yes sir.”

The day went a lot smoother than Steve thought possible when he woke. At first, his head exploded every time the axe hit the wood but after a while, he started to feel better and by the end he was almost back to normal. He spent the rest of the afternoon stacking the firewood, raking leaves and helping put up the Christmas lights. After they finished, his Mom called out for dinner. When they finished eating, he headed to the living room to watch some TV but his dad stopped him, “No TV for you. We have one last thing to do today.”

Steve knew he wasn’t in any position to argue and got in his dad’s truck as they headed to town. It surprised Steve when it stopped at Conrad’s. His dad turned to him and said, “Last night’s events reminded me of something I’ve forgotten to do with you that my daddy did with me a long, long time ago.”

They sat at the bar next to the other regular’s and Steve’s presence raised a few eyebrows.

His dad introduced them, “Hey guys, I’d like to introduce you to my son, Steve ... Steve, the guys.”

After shaking everyone’s hand, a few of them made a few sly comments about his performance the previous night. Most of the night was still fuzzy so Steve just smiled and waited for the torment to end.

His dad came to his rescue, “I seem to recall a few evenings where you were in the same position Pete. Frankly it’s happened to us all once or twice.”

Steve looked to his dad and realized he was staring at him. His dad shouted to the bartender, “A beer for me and my boy.” His dad was still looking him as he took his first drink. After another sip he said, “Son, you will make many mistakes in life and you have to take the good with the bad. God knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes and it is how you deal with the adversity that counts. I drank a lot when I first married your mom and my personal hangover cure was chopping wood. It got me out of the house and away from her tears. A side benefit was I found the exertions made the headache go away. I’m not excusing what you did but I’ve been there too.” He drained the rest of his beer. “Finish that. I don’t want your mother to worry.”

Steve forced himself to take another sip and left half a beer on the counter.

As they walked out Pete shouted after them, “Leaving so soon?”

Steve's Dad said, “Yep. We have an early church service tomorrow. You boys have fun.”

As they walked to his truck, Steve’s father tipped his hat to Deputy Carter who was sitting in his normal spot. As they left the parking lot, his dad said to Steve, “You can only find true happiness in life when you learn from your mistakes. I hope you are a better man than I am because it took a long time to figure out what was important. Without your mother, it might not have ever happened.”

As they drove home in silence, Steve wondered what his dad would think about him if he knew the truth of his problems.

Steve knew he could expect teasing the next morning at church but he’d forgotten the ruthless efficiency of the local grapevine. Sandy was standing by the entrance and the whispers stopped when he approached. He sat next to his cousin, “It seems like we are local celebrities today.”

“You’ve noticed that too.”

“Yeah. It’s probably a good thing I need to get back to school.”

“Thankfully, me too.”

The service started and Pastor Dan had chosen immorality in America as his subject. He interspersed current events with a few Bible verses, added a few hymns and the result was a masterpiece. Pastor Dan had been pastor for longer than Steve had been alive and there was no doubt the man was a master at his craft. When he finished his sermon, Steve figured everyone in the church had made a personal vow never to sin again. How long they kept to that promise was up to the individual. Of course, Pastor Dan would be waiting next Sunday to renew the cycle.

Steve loved going to church. It always gave him a sense of hope that few other things ever did. Today he had a few questions for Pastor Dan. He approached as everyone filed out of the church.

“Pastor Dan, do you have a few moments?”

“Sure Steve. What can I do for you?”

Steve had spent most of the service thinking about how best to broach the subject.

“I’ve got a class in college about human sexuality. I was a bit surprised to learn the other day that mom caught me in a dress as a young child and you worked with me to make sure it didn’t happen again. I’ve been trying to think of a topic for my thesis paper and thought that might make a great subject.”

Pastor Dan looked at Steve in silence before answering, “I’d be happy to answer any questions Steve. Let’s go to my office.” They entered the office that consisted of a very plain desk, two chairs and a filing cabinet. Vague memories of sitting in this office flashed in his mind.

Pastor Dan started talking as soon as Steve sat, “You know Steve you were always a … um … I’m really not sure the best way to put this. I guess I’d say you were a very delicate child. Your parents came to me when you were about 8 years old. As I’m sure you know, I’m a big believer in Bible study so we met once a week to talk about Bible verses that covered the subject. Other than that we prayed and asked for God’s help.”

“I remember meeting with you but I didn’t know that was the reason. I always enjoyed our chats.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed them. It’s the reason I’m here. After you understood proper behavior, we started meeting about once a month until you were about 12 years old.”

Steve felt his face grow hot and felt the sudden urge to leave so he stood. “Thanks Pastor Dan. That’s great. That will help a lot.”

Pastor Dan called after him, “Is there anything else you like to discuss?”

Steve stopped in the doorway but he wasn’t sure what to say. “Umm … no … why would you ask?”

“Some of the people in my flock have really good ears and even bigger mouths. I heard about the incident at Conrad’s on Friday. I’m here to talk if you need me.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief, “I appreciate that Pastor Dan. I really do but I’ve got to get going. My grandma is probably wondering where I am since I’m late for lunch.”

Pastor Dan nodded, “Well we can’t have that. I’ve had a few conversations with her about her lack of patience but it never seems to do any good.”

They both laughed as they walked out the door.

Steve got to Grandma Robinson’s house a short while later. The food was on the table when he walked into the dining room.

Grandpa Robinson saw him first, “There he is… we were worried you’d made another trip over to Conrad’s.” Everyone laughed but Steve saw the frown present on his Dad's face.

“Nah. I learned my lesson. My head still hurts from that night but I needed to talk to Pastor Dan about something. I haven’t seen him since summer.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Well I’m glad you made it because I have a favor. Can you to drop Sandy off at school? I know it’s a bit of an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be any more than an hour out of your way. That would save Sal a 6 hour round trip and he has to get up early for work in the morning.”

“No problem Grams. I’d love to help”

Sal added, “I really appreciate it Steve.”

Steve ate as quick as possible and motioned to his cousin who seemed as anxious as he was to leave. After a quick round of goodbyes, they hit the road.

As soon as they were out of eyesight Sandy pulled cigarette from her purse.

Steve shouted, “No smoking in the car!”

“Not that again!”

“I’m serious Sandy, my dad bought me this car and I want to take care of it. I’ve never smoked in it and don’t plan on starting now.”

“OK whatever. We need to stop at the first rest stop you see because I’m dying for a smoke right now.”

“I’ll tell you what … there’s a gas station just up the road and we will stop there. I need to buy some cigarettes anyway.”

“I thought you were quitting.”

“I’ll quit tomorrow.”

Sandy laughed at his obvious lie.

Steve filled up the tank and bought some cigarettes. As they stood outside Sandy stared at him intently, “You were crazy on Friday. I thought I was the only wild child in the family.”

“I honestly don’t remember much.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. First you and I did a shot. Then you followed that up with about four more. I like to drink but there was no way I was going to drink that much. Is everything ok?”

“Did mom ask you to ask that?”

Sandy laughed, “Well I won’t lie and tell you that your name wasn’t mentioned while we were waiting but they are just worried.” Steve tried to ignore Sandy's stare. “I didn’t say anything to your parents but after about your 5^th beer you said a lot of surprising things.”

This revelation made Steve nervous, “Oh really? You never know what I’m likely to say when I’m drinking.”

“Well you started talking about how miserable you were at school and that you’d gone to a shrink for help.”

“I did?”

“You did. Is it true?”

Steve didn’t know what to say as Sandy added, “I didn’t tell anyone if you are worried.”

Steve relaxed a little. “Look Sandy it’s like this. The girl I thought I was going to marry dumped me six months ago, my grades suck, and I have no job prospects when I graduate. You could say I’m a little stressed.”

“You told me it’s more than just that.”

Steve felt his anxiety build and sat to calm himself. He turned to his cousin. “It’s complicated Sandy. I’m having trouble right now and I need a friend not an inquisition.”

Sandy didn’t back down, “Steve, you are one of the coolest people I know. I don’t want to give you a big head but I’ve always looked up to you. I don’t mean to pry.”

“Thanks then don’t.”

“But that’s the thing. You know how we both had hangovers on Saturday?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it gave me a lot of time to think.”

“Me too.”

“I mean there’s the incident with your girlfriend, the fact that you are seeing a shrink, and those books in the back seat that I noticed are from the university library not from a class. It’s like you are trying to figure something out.”

“Sandy, I thought you said you didn’t mean to pry.”

“I don’t but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious.”

Steve sighed, “It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got time and despite occasionally being a bitch, I really am a good listener. I’m also good at keeping secrets.”

“Sandy I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then don’t but I’m here if you ever do.”

“I do appreciate that.”

Steve drove home thankful Sandy never returned to the subject.

After he dropped her off, Steve drove to his apartment in a daze. It had been 4 days since he’d had an opportunity to ‘dress’ and he was anxious to get back to school. He’d forgotten how much fun it could be to visit his parents but he missed his apartment. There was no doubt that Doc Johnson would fill a few pads of paper this week.

As he entered his apartment, he smelled stale wine and cigarettes. He’d never noticed it before but then he’d never been away long either. He went into the closet and picked out a nice blouse and skirt combo he’d always liked best then spent over an hour at the dressing table as he took his time putting on makeup. The person looking back smiled at the result. It was good to be home.

Steve returns to school, excited to tell his therapist about the events over Thanksgiving but are things spiraling out of his control?

Chapter 11

Doc Johnson had set up the meeting with the specialist the next morning. Steve arrived just after 8am and after a short wait, he was taken into an office to see a man who appeared to be in his early 40s.

The man extended his hand, “Hi, I am Doctor Robert McPherson. I assume you are Steve Kelton.”

Steve shook his hand, “That’s me.”

“I am a licensed doctor like Doctor Johnson but I specialize in behavior science testing. She referred you as she thought you would make a good subject. First, I want you to know that everything you say is completely confidential. Second, the tests are a series of questions that probably won’t make sense but give me insight into your psyche and help me with a study I’m completing. Third, I’ve given a similar form of this test over the years and only use the information to track behavior patterns, Fourth, your personal information will never be divulged without your consent. Fifth, I am going to give Doctor Johnson a copy of the results as the referring doctor. Are you ok with all that?”

Steve nodded, “Sure.”

“Any questions?”

“Nope.”

“Good. I need you to sign these forms and my assistant will soon be with you and give the actual tests.”

“Thanks.”

Steve signed the forms and when he looked up, he realized Doctor McPherson was gone. He bet the doctor probably did the routine he’d just gone through a dozen times a day. Five minutes later a young woman that wasn’t much older than Steve entered the room and sat down.

“Hi I’m Candace, a graduate assistant for Doctor McPherson. As the doctor already explained, I’m going to give you a series of tests. To ensure privacy, I only know you from the test subject number written at the top of your form. We have a lot of ground to cover so try to answer the questions promptly and not get off topic. Are you ready to begin?”

Steve nodded his head and the questions started.

The doc was right that the questioning wouldn’t make sense. At first, it seemed focused on his background but soon switched in to a series of word problems, math problems, 3-d recognition, and all sorts of nonsensical questions. After the first hour, he was mentally exhausted and was thankful when she suggested they take a 5-minute break. It took another hour to finish the testing.

“How’d I do?”

“There really is no right or wrong answers. I will put all of this into the computer and the doctor will analyze the results.”

“I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“I’m sorry about that but it’s by design. We use different parts of our brains for different functions and he designed the test to get you out of your comfort zone. That makes you respond to the questions reflexively and then we repeat the test for all the different parts of your brain in a random nature. It isn’t foolproof but it gives us a better idea of how your brain works.”

“Well it certainly did something. Thanks for the explanation.”

Steve's nightly routine returned to the one he used before Thanksgiving. Temperatures dropped and Steve took Tim's advice to start wearing other items under his clothes. A daily addition was a sports bra that felt like an invisible shield. He couldn't explain it but it made him feel more confident. He also added to his vice by standing with the other smokers outside of class. He found a camaraderie with the group that he didn't expect as they all stood in defiance of the cold to satisfy their need for nicotine. The sports bra helped with this too as he knew at least one part of him would never be cold.

He'd given a lot of thought to the possibility of wearing a little makeup and in the end decided to wear light foundation to class with the pre-planned excuse of acne if anyone noticed. Steve knew he was getting dangerously close to the line but every step began to feel more natural and every day seemed a little brighter.

It felt like it had been a month since his last visit to the doctor due to the Thanksgiving holiday but it had only been two weeks. Steve wished they had more time.

“Afternoon Doc.”

“Hello Steve. You seem chipper today.”

“I have a lot to talk about. I could fill two sessions easy.”

“Well we better get started.”

Steve told her about his failed attempt to stop smoking and his drunken binge on Friday that ended with the police escort home.

Doctor Johnson laughed, “How’d your parents react to that? “

“They were disappointed but not as much as I would have expected. My dad made me do chores all day Saturday but he took me out for a beer on Saturday night.”

“Your dad sounds like a good guy.”

“He is. I’m really lucky.”

“Is there any particular reason you got drunk on Friday?”

“I don’t know. One minute I was sitting there trying to be good and my cousin was needling me to have a cigarette because she saw my nicotine gum. Next thing I know I’m waking up with a really bad hangover.”

“You have mentioned drinking a before but never whiskey and never to that extent. Did anything in particular set you off?”

“I don’t know I was just mad.”

The doctor made a few notes. While she wrote, Steve changed subjects.

“There was something I found out while I was home that was a bit of a surprise. When I was 7 years old I dressed in women’s clothes. To my knowledge, I only did it twice and only at the encouragement of my cousin but the result was counseling sessions with my pastor. That pissed me off.”

“Do you remember what you talked about as a kid?”

Steve said, “I don’t remember much. I remember meeting with him all the time but I had no idea why we met. I do know the idea of dressing in women’s clothes is a concept that isn’t too popular in my hometown. He told me that we talked about Bible verses that discussed morality and that we did a lot of praying.”

“It sounds like you have a lot of people that care for you in your hometown.”

“They do but they wouldn’t understand this. It’s not like I want to do this. I feel like I have to do this. Hell, I don’t even understand it but those books were a big help.”

“Oh yeah. Which ones?”

“I checked out 'Human Sexuality' and 'Understanding Gender'. I'm still working on the first but the last one made the comments from the last session make more sense.”

“How’s that?”

Steve pulled out his notebook. “After I read it I put this together. The way I see it I’m like 100% genetic male, 80% sexual male, 60% social male, and my gender ID is 50% male. In other words, I’m more in touch with my feminine side than most guys.”

Doctor Johnson laughed, “I think you are oversimplifying Steve but I’m glad the books got you to think. Let me ask you a tough question that I’ve been holding off because I wanted you to do a little soul searching. It sounds like you have done that so here it is – we’ve briefly talked about your crossdressing but not much about you. There are many reasons people crossdress. Some people crossdress to roleplay with their partners, some crossdress for sexual stimulation, and others crossdress because they just like to crossdress. There is another group that crossdresses that feels like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body. I noticed that you said you identified yourself as 50% male but when you are alone you live 100% of the time alone as a female. Why is that?”

“Wow doc.” Doctor Johnson looked at Steve but didn’t say a word. “You sure ask tough questions. I really don’t know.”

“Then let me ask you this … why only crossdress in private?”

“I just can’t do it in public. People would stare.”

“That may be true but let me ask you another question. Have you ever had fantasies about being changed into a woman?”

“Occasionally.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “How did you feel in your fantasy as a woman?”

“I loved it.”

“One last question – Imagine I could change you into a woman with no repercussions. Let’s say you were a woman and no one else ever knew any different. Would you do it?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I mean I like the idea a lot. If no one knew any different I think I would. Yeah, I like that.”

“Why?”

Steve thought about it for a while then spoke, “Because it would make me happy. Because I think it might be who I am.”

Doctor Johnson jotted down a note then asked, “So am I hearing you right that the only reason that you don’t change into a woman is because of the ramifications?”

“I guess so.”

“Are you happy right now?”

“I think so.”

“Then why did you drink yourself into oblivion on Friday night?”

Steve noticed the doctor was asking the questions quicker, “I was angry.”

“Why were you angry?”

“I don’t know!”

“Come on Steve. Why were you angry?”

Steve shouted, “I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST SO DAMNED PISSED OFF AT SANDY BECAUSE SHE KEPT WANTING ME TO SMOKE AND I JUST DIDN’T TO BECAUSE I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD SEE AND TELL MY PARENTS!!! SHE KEPT BADGERING AND BADGERING ME AND I JUST HAD TO HAVE A CIGARETTE.”

“Is it possible that isn’t the only reason you were angry?”

“You mean because I wasn’t “dressing”.”

“It’s crossdressing. Not dressing. Crossdressing. You are crossdressing. I want you to say the words.”

“Why?”

Doctor Johnson said, “Because words are important. Have you ever thought why you can’t say it? What you are doing is called crossdressing. That makes you are a crossdresser. Or would you prefer the older terminology transvestite?”

Steve turned his head and answered in a soft voice, “Crossdresser is fine.”

“What?”

He turned around. “You can call me a crossdresser. I am a crossdresser. I like crossdressing! Are you happy?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “A little. Now was there another possible reason why were you angry?”

“Because I couldn’t crossdress?”

Doctor Johnson smiled again. “We are over on time so we are going to have to pick it up there next week.”

“What?I?! That’s not fair doc. I have a lot more to talk about.”

“We will do that next week. In the meantime, I want you to think about why you have so much trouble talking about what makes you happy and who you really think you are. True happiness comes from within.”

“You are frustrating doc!”

Doctor Johnson said, “I know but believe it or not I actually know what I’m doing here.”

Steve stared in anger then turned away.

Chapter 12

Final exams approached and Steve spent most of his time in his apartment studying. He had just started on Saturday when there was a knock on the door. He normally ignored the knocks as it usually was a salesman as his friends had stopped coming by a long time ago. He knew from experience they’d go away after a while.

“Steve?”

He recognized the voice, “Is it? … Nah, that’s impossible.”

His cell phone started ringing about 5 seconds later.

“Steve I know you are in there. I can hear your cell phone and I saw your car outside. Open the damned door!”

Why was Sandy here? He looked at down and saw he was fully dressed … err crossdressed … and had caked on the makeup a bit hurriedly that morning. There was no way he could let her in.

“Steve, I got mom’s car and drove two hours to get here and I’m not going away. Do I have to get the manager and tell him I think you’re dead? You know I will.”

“Goddamn it Sandy!” he thought to himself. He walked over to the door looked through the peephole. He saw Sandy quietly smoking a cigarette.

“Five seconds Steve!”

He shouted through the door, “Goddammit Sandy I’m studying for finals! I don’t have time this.”

She turned on her charming voice and said, “You could at least let me in.”

“Not gonna happen.”

Sandy said, “Steve I already know you are gay. I don’t care if you have a guy in there. I just want to talk.”

The thought his cousin was on the right track caused him to shout a bit louder than he meant. “I’m not gay Sandy!”

“Then let me in!”

“No!”

“Why?”

Steve tried to think of an excuse. “Ummm … my place is a mess.”

“I bet mine’s worse and I’d let you in.”

Steve thought about the situation for a minute and snapped. He knew he might regret the next moment for the rest of his life but the words ‘what the hell’ popped into his head. Steve opened the door.

“Happy?”

Sandy stood silent for a moment and then burst out laughing.

Steve slammed the door then ran to the bathroom. He heard Sandy open the door behind him and heard her shout. “I’m sorry Steve. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Fuck off Sandy!”

“Steve, I’m really sorry!”

Steve could hear rustling outside the bathroom door so he knew Sandy hadn't left. He washed the makeup from his face and changed clothes.

Sandy confirmed she was in the living room when she shouted loud enough from him to hear, “You know it could be worse! I could be your mom.”

Steve couldn't help himself and smiled at the horror of that thought. Five minutes later Steve exited the bathroom dressed in men's clothing. “Let’s get this over with.”

Sandy gave a sarcastic smile, “Get what over with?”

Steve felt himself getting annoyed, “What do you want?”

Sandy said, “I’m here because I was worried about you so I got mom’s car and drove down.”

Steve said, “Did you ever think to call first?”

“Do you think I don’t know you’d say no? I thought I’d surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished.” Steve leaned against the kitchen table and stared at Sandy with his arms crossed.

Sandy said, “For the record, I only laughed because those shoes did not go with that outfit.”

“Jesus Christ Sandy!”

Sandy said, “I’m sorry, bad jokes are how I deal with stressful situations. And it happens to be the truth.”

“Whatever. It’s probably a little late to say this but I’d appreciate if today’s events stayed between you and I.”

“I told you last week I had your back! But since you mentioned it … what was with the outfit?”

“I like to … uh ... cross-dress but I really can’t explain it. The only thing I can say is gradually over time I have found myself intrigued with the idea. It wasn’t something I felt I could do back home but there’s a lot more freedom here at school.”

Sandy asked, “Is that why you stopped seeing your friends?”

Steve said, “How'd you hear about that?” Steve shook his head, “Nevermind, it doesn't matter.”

Steve took a deep breath and continued, “I decided to do this over the summer. The trust fund gave me the ability to afford my own place and I didn’t want anyone to know. I can’t explain it but when I’m dressed up I’m happy. It’s starting to feel like a drug habit and I’m looking for my next fix. That’s why I’m seeing the shrink, that’s why I was reading the books you saw, that’s why I got so mad last Friday and probably why I got wasted.”

“Huh?”

“I was deflecting. I’m learning all sorts of fun things about myself in therapy. You should try it.”

“I probably should. God knows I’m messed up.”

“Too true.” Steve punched his cousin in the shoulder.

“Ouch.”

“In all seriousness Sandy I haven’t been happy for a long time and I’m just beginning to realize it. Our hometown is a big ball of repression and I’ve always tried to do the right thing. I’ve got all these emotions swirling inside me with memories spinning in my head like a pinball machine. Different emotions are starting to come to the surface. That’s why I’ve got the Doc to help me sort everything out.”

“That’s some pretty heavy shit.”

Steve said, “Yeah it is and that’s why I’ve pretty much become a hermit. I can’t even imagine telling anyone at home.”

“That would be tough. Our hometown isn’t the most understanding place but you never know. I’m here and I’m ok with it. I actually think it is pretty cool.”

“No you don’t. I can see you sitting there judging me and you are a lot more understanding than the people back home.”

Sandy said, “Dramatic much? You don’t know how I feel. I admit I’m not exactly used to the idea but give me some time. I’ve had exactly 30 minutes to process it.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Sandy said nothing so Steve gently punched her in the arm again.

“Ouch dammit that hurts.”

“Sorry, punching you seemed like a good way to relieve the tension. It was too quiet and I hate to be like this. I do need you to leave because I really need to study if I’m going to have a chance at a job after graduation.”

Sandy said, “You know that isn’t going to happen. I’ll make you a deal. I had a long drive here and I’m hungry. What do you say we goto the mall and get some food. While we are there we will get you some proper clothes.”

Steve asked, “Proper clothes?”

“Steve, how many outfits do you have?”

“Two full ones with a lot of odds and ends.”

“And you’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 3 months?”

Steve laughed, “I get your point but it’s hard to know what is going to fit from a picture on the internet.”

“It’s too bad you don’t know someone that could get you into a woman’s clothing store without drawing undue attention.”

Steve nodded, “So you are offering to be my cover?”

“Exactly.” Sandy started to laugh then stopped. “Sorry, I don't mean to laugh but I’m still getting used to this.”

Before Steve could think of an excuse, Sandy had him in the mall going store to store looking at dozens of dresses, blouses, shoes, and undergarments. In a few places, Steve was even able to sneak into the dressing room to make sure everything fit. When they got home, Steve looked at the pile of boxes they placed on his floor.

“That was a bit over the top don’t you think?”

They unpacked everything and separated the items into piles of nighties, women’s underwear, bra’s, shirts and pants for casual wear, blouses and skirts for more formal occasions, 4 pairs of heels plus a few pair of flats. Finally there was some cheap jewelry and higher quality makeup Sandy insisted he purchase.

Steve said, “Why did you have me buy so much?”

Sandy answered, “Steve, if you are going to do something you need to do it right. If you are insistent on being a hermit crossdresser then I insist you be the best damned hermit cross-dresser possible. Speaking of which … where did you learn to put on makeup?”

Steve shrugged, “Youtube has some great online tutorials. Why?”

Sandy laughed, “If what I saw this morning was an example of your best work then you definitely need my help.”

“I was in a hurry and I wasn’t expecting company.”

“Uh huh sure... Go wash your face and hair and I will set up out here.”

Ten minutes later Steve was back at the kitchen table.

Sandy said, “Most girls would kill for your hair. It’s so long and has so much body. A good stylist could make this look very cute.”

“Well that’s not gonna happen.”

“That’s too bad. I will do what I can with it. Do you have a curler?”

“No.”

“No curler? Wow. Every true cross-dresser needs a curler. You can have the one in my travel bag. What about tweezers?”

Steve said, “There's some in the bathroom. Why?”

Sandy said, “You need learn to pluck your eyebrows.”

She came back a minute later and started plucking.

“Ouch! That hurts! Stop it.”

“You need your eyebrows plucked if this is going to work.”

Steve said, “You do understand the concept that I don’t want anyone to know about this.”

Sandy answered, “Most guys should pluck their eyebrows they just don’t. Trust me, I know where to stop.”

Steve sat patient as the next half hour Sandy plucked, curled and styled his hair until finally the torment stopped and she smiled at the result.

Sandy said, “I’m no professional but I have to say I did a damned good job. Now go into the bathroom and shave your legs, chest and armpits.”

“Sandy, I’m not gonna do that.”

Sandy said, “Do you know how ridiculous hairy legs look in those hose I saw this morning? Anyway it’s all the rage for guys to shave themselves as it makes them look better. If that isn’t enough to convince you, it’s like 30 degrees outside and you will be bundled up most of the time. Who’s going to notice?”

“I don’t know. You are taking this too far. I just do it in the privacy of my home and nobody can see me.”

“Exactly Steve, why not look your best if only for yourself?”

Steve knew she was right. He said, “I’m know I’m going to regret this.”

As he started to shave Steve looked in the mirror. Sandy had done a nice job with his hair. He normally pulled it back into a pony tail but she had curled it in such a way that gave his hair more body than he thought possible. The eyebrows were noticeably thinner and slightly arched but not to an extreme so he didn’t think that anyone would notice. Five minutes later he finished shaving and went back into the living room.

He crossed his arms, “Damn, it’s a lot colder without body hair.”

“You do realize that women don’t just wear hose in winter just for fashion. Hose or tights are a necessity for me after October if I ever wear something that shows my knees. It's too cold otherwise.”

Steve nodded, “I guess that makes sense. This feels odd though.”

“You get used to it. Sit down in the chair. I’m now going to show you how to apply makeup.”

“This is so embarrassing Sandy.”

“Your complaints are getting old Steve. If I can accept the idea of you cross-dressing, you can get used to the idea of me knowing about it. Now sit down.”

Steve resigned himself to following Sandy’s plan. He’d forgotten how persuasive she could be but it was nice to have a woman's help. Sandy gave pointers on everything from how to best apply mascara and eyeliner, to the colors of eyeshadow she thought complemented his skin tone, and which lipstick to wear. She worked for about a half hour then painted his fingernails with a bright red lacquer they'd bought that afternoon. Just as Steve's patience was about to give out he heard her shout.

“Ta-da! My work is finished.” Sandy turned the mirror and Steve looked at himself. The person staring back looked closer to the person of his dreams than anything he'd ever accomplished.

“Wow Sandy. It looks amazing.”

“I have to admit I can’t believe how different you look.”

Steve watched as his cousin took off her shirt to reveal the lacy black bra beneath.

Sandy asked, “Can I take a quick shower?”

Sandy's action surprised him. Had Sandy gotten so comfortable with the idea of him as a girl that she was willing to start undressing in front of him? It didn't seem possible. Steve nodded his head. “Go ahead.”

Sandy added, “Don’t move from that chair as your nails need to dry. I will be out in 15 minutes.”

Steve was glad for the quiet. He thought back to the day's events while he stole glances at himself in the mirror. It’s amazing what the combination of hair styling, a good eyebrow plucking and the expert application of makeup did to a person’s face. He didn’t recognize himself.

Sandy walked out few minutes later. “You know how everyone has always teased you for looking young but I realized today that you aren’t as young looking as you are feminine. I honestly can’t believe how good you look. If I didn’t know you I probably wouldn’t even notice.” Sandy had the look of inspiration on her face. “That settles it. We are going out for drinks tonight!”

“Huh?” Steve shook his head after he realized what she was asking. “No way!”

“Why not?”

“Do we have to go over this again? I have a lot of studying and I don’t go outside dressed like this. You are like the 4^th person on the planet that even knows about this and you want me to go out in public?”

Sandy said, “It’s not like anyone will notice and if they do … fuck ‘em. I know a lot of women that are a lot uglier than you and you’d be surprised how many people are oblivious to the things that happen around them. That's especially true when they are drunk.”

“I might see someone I know. I’d never live it down.”

Sandy said, “Then we will go to the city. It’s not far and I know lots of clubs there. I promise you that you won’t see anyone you’d know. They’d never recognize you anyway. Let’s finish getting you ready.”

Steve said, “You’ve planned this all along haven’t you.”

“No, but when you told me you hadn't gotten out much I thought back to how you acted back at Conrads. You need to get out more and I decided a day full of shopping, then a makeover followed by a night out on the town were just what you needed. Of course I couldn’t tell you that because you’d never agree.”

Steve pulled off his shirt and started putting on the padded bra. “I forgot how manipulative you were.”

Steve noticed Sandy staring at his shirtless chest. She asked, “Have you lost weight?”

Steve said, “Nice attempt to change the subject.”

“I’m serious. You look skinny. I mean you were always skinny but you are getting rail thin. How much do you weigh?”

“I was about 155 when I graduated high school but that was a combination of mom’s food and weightlifting for football. I wasn't much more than that about six months ago when Kathy and I broke up. When I decided to do this over the summer, I went on a crash diet and I'm sure I'm getting close to 140 lbs these days. Cigarettes can be an amazing substitute for food though I'm sure no doctor would recommend it.”

Sandy laughed, “I'm sure that's true.”

Steve pulled up the skirt and Sandy helped him button the blouse.

Sandy said, “You are only a little bit bigger than an ideal woman your height. Just looking at you I gotta say that you pretty much pull it off.”

“You think? You can’t tell its me?”

“Of course I can tell but I know you.”

“What if you didn’t?”

“I might wonder if I looked. I mean something seems off but then most people aren’t very observant. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“A bunch of guys could figure it out, call me a freak then beat the shit out of me?”

“You worry too much. You were the one that was complaining that you never go out. Here’s your chance!”

“I really don’t want to.”

“Yes you do and besides, I drove all this way and I’m not spending the night playing dress up in your apartment. Either you stay like dressed like that or change. Either way we are going out. It’s your choice.”

Steve thought about it for a few moments. It’s dark, it’s getting late. Most people will be drunk and their vision impaired. It’s not like he’d never thought about doing it. He'd dreamed of a day he could try and its not like anyone would know him.

“Ok, but we have a problem. I don’t have an ID that looks like … this.”

“Leave it to me. You don’t think I only started going to bars since I turned 21 do you? I know half the guys that check ID in the city. Most of them don’t even check the IDs for women. It won’t be a problem. That reminds me. I can’t call you Steve in the bar. What should I call you?”

Steve thought for a seconds and only one name came to him, “Sara. You can call me Sara.”

45 minutes later they arrived at the bar that Sandy said would be perfect.

Steve took a last look in the mirror. “How do I look?”

“Like a guy in a dress.”

“Really?” Steve turned and saw the smile on Sandy's face.

“Just kidding! You look fine. Let’s go.”

The pulsing beat of the music paced them as they walked through the parking lot but the closer they got Steve felt like he was about to pass out. The man at the door saw Sandy and waved her in and Steve thanked god that he didn't bother to look too close at him. Steve arched his shoulders at he passed the threshold. It felt as if a thousand pounds had lifted from his shoulders and he felt like dancing on the spot that Sandy was right. He'd made it in! As a girl!

Sandy didn't seem nearly as affected, “Let’s find a table.”

Steve saw the bright lights cascading through the bar and his nerves returned in a flash, “One in the back sounds good. The darker the better.”

“Umm Sara … do you have a cold or something? Your voice… it sounds deeper than I remember.”

Steve looked at Sandy a bit puzzled for a bit then realized. Oh yeah voice. Steve coughed then attempted to change his voice up about a half an octave. “Sorry had something in my throat. Sound better now?”

“A bit but that’s something you need to work on if you want to leave home.”

“That’s funny. I really have never thought about my voice.”

Sandy just laughed.

They sat down and ordered some drinks. After their second round, Steve inhibitions had lowered to the point where he felt ok to go out on the dance floor.

Steve had always felt self conscious at high school dances. Some of the guys went out on the dance floor but most of them stayed on the sidelines and he was no different. What was it about girls that made them not care? Was it the fact they usually danced in packs?

Steve realized he was mimicking the shuffle dance most of the boys at his high school used whenever their girlfriends forced them out on the dance floor. Arms at the waist, one step right, one step left, add a head bob and repeat. Steve noticed Sandy laughing and stopped to watch her dance for a moment. Her arms and legs didn't seem attached to her body but somehow she kept them in rhythm to the music. Sandy saw him watching shouted,

“Just have fun! Do what you want!”

Steve tried to copy her moves but found it impossible as she had no pattern. The fact he was wearing two inch heels didn't help either. It wasn't like he hadn't danced in heels in the privacy of his home. He'd spent many nights doing little else but that was different. No one was watching. Steve closed his eyes and pretended he was in his living room. He forced a thought that time and place no longer existed it was just him and the music. Steve began to move his arms and felt his hips begin to sway like he'd practiced a thousand times when no one watched. He opened his eyes and saw Sandy wink at him. Around him were dozens of bodies all moving to their own beat. He closed his eyes and imagined he was just another wave in an ocean of bodies as he let the music dictate his next move.

The songs felt like they lasted for hours but Steve felt surprising disappointment when he heard a slow song start. A look at Sandy set them both to laughter again and they headed off the dance floor.

When they got close to the table Sandy shouted over the music, “You know St…Sara. I’m really starting to like this. Before today I’d never thought you and I would ever spend a day shopping for clothes then top it off with a makeover and dancing. Your dancing has certainly improved since Conrad's.”

Steve shook his head but he'd grown used to Sandy's barbs years before. He waited until he sat before answering. “You seem to be pretty accepting of this. Of me.”

Sandy said, “Oh I’m still struggling but not in a bad way. I’m just trying to reconcile the person I knew with the person I see. “

Steve asked, “How‘s that working for you?”

“Honestly it isn’t hard to accept you like this. It fits in an odd sort of way. I mean you’ve always been a little different. As much as you’ve always tried to be your dad it just wasn’t you.”

Two guys approached their table and Sandy started talking to them. Steve's comfort immediately turned to anxiety. He prayed they wouldn't look in his direction but Steve noticed both sneaking quick looks. One of them asked him a question but Steve turned his head and ignored him entirely. Once it was clear he wanted them to leave they moved on to another table of girls.

Sandy said, “Why’d you do that? They were cute.”

“You can’t be serious Sandy. First of all I’m not gay so I have no desire to flirt with guys, second the last thing I need is you hooking up with someone and leaving me all alone and third if I haven’t made it perfectly clear I don’t anyone to find out. You realize this isn’t a game and we are talking about messing with real people.”

“You are overreacting. What did you think was going to happen?”

Steve's face felt flush. “I don’t know but I’m ready to go.”

“Seriously? We just got here.”

“This wasn’t a good idea.”

Sandy asked, “You aren’t having fun?”

“Yes and no. Right now it feels like every person in here is looking at me.”

Sandy laughed, “They aren’t. Guys are here to find cute girls and despite my best efforts you aren’t that cute. I know from personal experience that no one notices the ugly girls until after 1AM.”

That only made Steve's anxiety worse. “Jesus Sandy! Do you really think I want to hear that?.”

Sandy raised her hands in a mock apology, “Sorry.”

Steve explained, “Look. You might be right that no one will care but I know how guys think and if any of them realized I was a guy dressed like this then I’d be the center of attention and not in a good way. It doesn’t matter either way because I just need to leave. Now!”

Steve grabbed his purse and headed for the exit. He was grateful when he heard Sandy follow him outside.

The car ride was uncomfortably quiet until Sandy broke the silence. “OK, let’s move on to Plan B.”

Steve asked, “Plan B?”

Sandy pulled into a convenience store, “Yep. Be right back.” She returned about five minutes later with a case of coolers. “I know this town too well for the night to end at 11pm. We are going to make our own party.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Ten minutes later and Sandy pulled into a park.

Steve said, “It’s a little late for a picnic don’t you think.”

“Nah. I used to hang out here in high school all the time. Lots of privacy.”

Steve lit a cigarette and grabbed a cooler from the case. “Seems quiet.”

Sandy laughed, “It’s not always like this. It’s a bit late in the year to find many people out here.” She lit a cigarette and sat next to Steve. “I just realized the answer to something I was wondering about last week.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t find many guys who smoke 100s and even fewer that would smoke that brand. It is definitely targeted towards women.”

“Honestly I just smoke these because they are what I’m used to. This is what my ex smoked and I picked up the habit by stealing them from her.”

“Do you think about her a lot?”

“I don’t think about her much anymore. I think we are different people. Of course my obsession with cross-dressing took off while we were dating and she couldn’t handle it. I don’t blame her but the breakup was bad.”

Sandy asked, “Why do you do it? Why do you crossdress?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I just need to do it. Like I’ve told you a few times -- I can’t explain it.”

“You seem to be obsessed.”

Steve nodded, “There's no doubt about that.”

Sandy said, “I don’t want to be pushy but I’m just not sure I understand what you are doing.”

“Join the company.”

“That’s a cop out and you know it. It can’t be as simple as that. You aren’t controlled by your urges. Everyone has urges. For instance, I really wanted to have sex with the tall guy who came to our table but I’m here with you instead. I controlled my urges for you.”

Steve looked at Sandy and gave her a smirk, “Thanks for that but that’s the thing. I don’t want to control my urge to crossdress.”

“So instead you’d prefer to live in total isolation.”

“For now yeah. In the long run I don’t know. I just can’t let anyone find out.”

“I’m not sure I’m buying what you are saying Steve… or should I call you Sara. Or does it matter? The thing is you seem to have taken this to an extreme. Do you want to live as a woman?

“I don’t know Sandy. I think I might.”

Sandy didn't speak for a moment, “Wow. I didn’t know it had gone that far.”

They sat in silence. Steve said, “My shrink and I are talking about that right now. She’s taking it slow which is good I guess but I can see from what I’ve read that I’m borderline gender dysphoric.”

“Huh?”

After a long drink of his cooler, Steve explained, “It basically means that my body is one thing but my mind thinks I’m another.”

Sandy asked, “Really? And you think your mind is female?”

“The truth is no one is 100% one or the other in their mind. The real question is whether it is a fetish or a way of life. That’s where I am right now and I don’t know the answer.”

“Are you sure? If I had a magic wand and could wave it and change you so that everything about you is the same except you are a genetic girl would you do it? “

“That’s a silly question because real life isn’t that simple.”

“Why isn’t it that simple?”

“Because I don’t think I could handle the backlash.”

“So instead you sit alone in your apartment just waiting for the day when you get enough courage to kill yourself. Good plan. I gotta tell you Steve … I haven’t been completely honest with you. I didn’t come here on a spur of the moment. Did any of your friends call you this week and let you know that your mom called them?”

Steve shook his head. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Sandy said, “I wish I was. After Thanksgiving Pastor Dan met with your parents and told them he got a bad vibe from your talk. That led your mom to track down some of your friends she knew from previous years and ask about you. Imagine her surprise when all of them said you didn’t return their calls. You know your mom had to be desperate to call my dad to ask me to pop in for a visit. The funny thing is I think they are worried that you are upset about doing bad in school. I doubt they’d ever guess the truth.”

“You might be surprised. Did you know that when we were kids that I had special counseling sessions with Pastor Dan?”

“Vaguely. I remember you had private sessions with him. A lot of us were jealous.”

“Do you remember the Thanksgiving when you dressed me up in your clothes?”

Sandy nodded,“Yeah that was hoot but as I recall it was my idea. Oh god … is your cross-dressing because of that? It's all my fault!?!?”

Steve laughed, “It doesn’t work that way. From what I gathered from my conversation with Pastor Dan I guess I’d done a few other things that worried my parents and that was just the last straw. I’m guessing the counseling sessions were supposed to “cure” me of my abnormal behavior. I don’t remember much though. I was pretty young.”

Sandy said, “That’s terrible!”

“It explains a lot as I look back. All through my childhood I remember being worried that I’d do something wrong by doing it the girly way. I became a great practitioner of watching other boys then mimicking their actions. Why would I do that unless it was something I learned?”

“Wow. What did your shrink say about that?”

“I haven’t told her yet. After I spoke to Pastor Dan about the whole thing has bugged me and I kind of just figured it out in the last few days.”

Sandy nodded, “And so now they sent me up here to spy on you.”

Steve said, “Yeah. I know their hearts are in the right place but I’m pissed right now.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I really don’t know.”

Sandy gave an evil grin, “I have an idea that will piss everyone off, protect your secret and let you cross-dress as much as you want.”

Steve smiled back, “Really? What is it?”

“Come and stay with me and mom for the holiday. I know mom would be cool with it and the only catch is you’d have to trust her. I totally vouch for her though.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Did you ever hear the story of why mom left dad and why she left town?”

“No.”

“Mom’s a lesbian.”

“No fucking way!”

“It’s not something we talk about back home. It’s the real reason mom left dad and why we moved to the city. It’s also why dad’s family pretty much have erased her from all family discussion. Come to think of it … she’d be a great person for you to talk to … if anyone knows about backlash it’s her.”

“That would be nice.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah I think I might.”

“Awesome!”

Steve and Sandy sat quiet as they finished their drinks. Steve broke the silence, “I appreciate you coming here for me Sandy but I really do need to study tomorrow. Will you take me home?”

Sandy agreed, “Well I usually like to close the bars but I admit this has been a pretty eventful day for both of us.”

Sandy left early the next morning and Steve promised to call her later that week once he'd decided. He spent the rest of the day studying frantically as he tried to prepare for his finals. He knew it was probably a futile effort but it was a good way to clear his mind. Tim came over later that night and as they watched a DVD Steve filled him in on Sandy’s idea.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’d love to talk to Doc Johnson but I get the impression that’s one of the reasons she wanted me to reach out to you. You know, give me a support system to help me bounce ideas off and make my own decisions.”

“That sounds like her. So bounce away.”

“I really want to call my mom and yell at her for being so sneaky.”

“Don’t be too hard on her. I’m sure she was just worried about you.”

“I’m sure that is part of it but the more I think about it the angrier I get. You don’t know what it is like living in a rural town. Everyone knows everyone else’s business and there’s a community norm that is expected. I know it’s an excuse but I wonder if my reaction to you was influenced by these people.”

“Trust me you don’t need to be brainwashed to be a bigoted idiot. Most people do that all by themselves.”

“I know you’re right but I was only a little kid. Who knows what kind of damage those sessions did to me?”

“Parents have been screwing up kids since the beginning of time. They are only doing the best they can. Trust me. I have every reason to hate my parents but I feel sorrier for them than anything else.”

“How can you be so forgiving?”

“Why do you think I’ve been meeting with Dr Johnson? It’s taken me a long time to get through my anger. My parents were supposed to support me. I worked up the courage to tell them my most private emotions and they reject me? A guy can build up a lot of resentment in a situation like that.

Steve nodded, “No doubt.”

“I have learned one thing though. Ignoring it won’t make the pain go away.”

“So you think I should go home?”

“I didn’t say that. I think you should do what makes you happy and not what you think will piss off your mom.”

“That makes sense and I’ve made my decision.”

“And…”

“I don’t think I could take 3 weeks of lying to my parents and I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay here either. So that only leaves one option, I’m going to stay with my aunt.”

Tim smiled, “I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to influence your decision but do you remember where I’m from?”

“Sorry I don’t.”

“I live in the city about a half hour from your aunt.”

“That’s clinches it then.”

“We definitely should hook up. I’ve already got a few ideas.”

Tim’s comment gave Steve a mental image he pushed out before it had a chance to form. “Sounds like fun.”

“Now all you need to do is let your mom know.”

“That’s gonna suck.”

“Yep.”

The conversation with his mom was as bad as he feared. He initially tried to soften the blow by saying he was going to stay at school but when it was obvious that wasn’t going to work he confronted her about sending Sandy to spy on him.

“What was I supposed to do? I was worried!”

“I appreciate that mom but I don’t appreciate you butting into my business right now. You don’t need to worry, I’m staying with Aunt Margerie. She doesn’t live far from here.“ That did little to calm her.

“But you’ll miss Christmas!”

“I’ll keep in touch. Aren’t you the one that always complains that I’m always running up your long distance bills when I’m home?”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

“Mom you don’t need to apologize. I just need a little alone time.”

“But you aren’t going to be alone. I’m not even sure what to tell everyone. They are all going to expect you to be here.”

“Mom. It’s just better that I don’t come home right now. Please trust me.” Even though his Mom had never been the emotional type he could hear her Mom crying on the other side of the phone. “Mom please don’t cry. I still love you.”

His Mom shouted, “I’m not crying!”

“Well you are making me want to cry so I’m going to need to hang up. Tell Dad I love him.”

“I love you too son and please call me anytime day or night.”

As he hung up the phone he considered her last comment. She must be worried. He knew it was always difficult for her to express emotions.

He called Sandy after he hung up and let her know the news.

“Fantastic! Mom’s going to be so excited. It’s been a long time since we’ve had family over for the holidays. Usually it’s just me, mom, and Kristy.”

“Who’s Kristy?”

“She's Mom’s live in friend.”

Steve thought about it for a minute then the truth dawned on him, “OHHHH. Well I look forward to meeting her.”

Chapter 13

Steve spent the next 3 days studying and taking his final exams. He knew it would be a miracle if he finished higher than a 2.0 average for the semester as they went about as well as expected.

Doctor Johnson was the only person in the office when he arrived for their Thursday meeting.

Steve saw her at her desk when he opened the door to her office. “I wasn’t sure if anyone was here. This place is empty.”

“Yeah everyone is pretty much headed home for the holidays. It happens every year. I’m glad you didn’t cancel as we really needed to have a follow up before the holiday.”

Steve said, “Yeah I got a little out of control and a lot has happened since then that I need to tell you.”

“Well my 3 pm appointment canceled so we have plenty of time.”

“That’s good.”

“When we left off where you said you felt it was possible that you were angry because you couldn’t cross-dress at home. Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there more to it than that?”

“I think so. I think I was angry because I’ve been able to fool myself that I was living secretly as a woman for the last three months and when that was taken away I just couldn’t cope.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Going to a bar and drinking the better part of a fifth of whiskey probably didn’t help either.”

Steve laughed, “Speaking of bars. I went out on Saturday night.”

“That's good.”

“I went out crossdressed.” Steve waited to see if their was a reaction to the ease at which said that word crossdressed. It felt good to say it.

Doctor Johnson smiled as she made a note, “Even better. Where'd you go?”

“My cousin and I ...”

“You told your cousin?”

Steve said, “It's a long story doc but suffice it to say my cousin surprised me and we went out.

“Where did you go?”

“A bar in the city.

Doctor Johnson made a note as she responded, “That's great news Steve but you need to remember to be careful. Not everyone is understanding.”

“I know and that's why I left but I did stay for an hour and I can't stop thinking about it. I was scared and happy then nervous and happy all over again. It's made me wonder about something and I'd like your honest opinion.”

“Go on.”

“Do you think that my Gender ID is female?”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “I can’t answer that.”

“Why not? I figured that’s what the test was you had me take would tell me.”

“The test is merely a scientific exercise to determine the way your brain works. All it does is measure affinities but ultimately only you know what you are. So let me turn the question around – Do you think your Gender ID is female? Last time we discussed it you said you thought you were 50% / 50% Male/Female.”

“It’s a hard question doc. I think my mind works similar to most females and I know I like wearing their clothes. I just wish I didn't.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don't know. I've had a lot of time to think and I've realized the hundreds of times in my life where I deferred to another boy because I wanted to see how he did it first. It’s like a have a built in mechanism to eliminate any girlish behavior.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Steve shrugged, “Have you ever lived in a small town?”

Doctor Johnson nodded, “I grew up in a town of 1,500 people.”

“Then you should understand. Everyone conforms. The town ostracizes people outside the norm until they submit or they leave. Then there’s my meetings I mentioned last week with Pastor Dan. Or the fact I dressed up in girl’s clothing for my relatives on two separate occasions but don’t remember a thing. It’s like I’ve repressed the memories or something. It really makes me wonder if there were any other things I don’t remember.”

“The loss of memory is concerning.”

“I really think my mind has been in a war between what it wants and what it needs. Oh yeah and it seems I like guys now. I keep having mental images of me kissing Tim. That never used to happen.”

Doctor Johnson gave what Steve thought of as her comforting smile, “I wouldn’t read too much into it. Keep in mind that you’ve stopped dating and your pool of friends is non-existent. Humans are sexual creatures and when they don’t get it odd thoughts can happen. You should also remember that you are trying to get in touch with the female side of your brain and you know subconsciously that attraction to males is part of it. It doesn’t mean all of a sudden you like men better.”

“But I could be gay.”

“It’s possible but only you can answer that.”

“You still haven’t told me what the test said.”

“I’ve been waiting for the right moment because it is important you not over think the results. This is only a tool for diagnosis and not an exact science.”

“What does it say doc?”

“Well there’s a lot of different factors involved but your answers and brain activity was a 74% match to a baseline female in his previous studies.“

Steve spoke louder than he meant, “Fuck. Me.”

“I told you. It’s just a test so you shouldn’t read too much into it. There are many happily married males that have had the same results in his studies.”

Steve felt tears form, “But statistically not many.”

“No test can tell you how you feel. No one can do that for you.”

“I know Doc. It just confirms my fears and it sucks to hear.”

Doctor Johnson said, “You have many choices. You aren’t locked into anything.”

“I have two choices. Live as a freak and be happy or live normally and be miserable.”

“It’s really not that simple. I told you before you there are varying ways of dealing with this. Therapy is …”

“Doc I really don’t want to hear it right now. I’ve read your books. I’m pretty sure I know what you are going to say. My mind is racing right now because I’m just coming to terms with the fact I’ve been living a lie. Everything I’ve worked for, all my goals … they are gone.” He put his head in his hands and started to cry.

Dr. Johnson walked over to the coach, handed him a box of tissues, and put her arm around him. She said softly, “I know it doesn’t seem possible but it is going to get better.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOC! YOU GIVE ME THAT CLICHÉ LINE? MY FREAKING LIFE IS OVER! MY DAD WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME AND NEITHER WILL MY FRIENDS ... FUCK. ME!”

“No one said this would be easy and there isn’t a perfect solution.”

“So does this mean I need to go on hormone replacements and get my dick cut off?”

“Steve come on. You are making great progress but you need to control yourself. You are starting to worry me.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Is your mom worried about you?”

Steve stifled a sniffle, “Yeah. That's why my cousin visited me. My mom sent her to spy on me to make sure I was ok.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “Is it possible that she was just being a mom? Mom's worry a lot about their kids especially when they sense they are unhappy.”

“It's possible doc but she asked my cousin to visit which is how she found out about my secret. I'm lucky that I can trust Sandy. In fact I’m spending Christmas with her instead of going home.”

Doctor Johnson wrote something into her notepad, “Why are you doing that?”

“Well when I figured out part of my problem at Thanksgiving was that I couldn't stand dressed as male for four days I figured there’s no way I could handle it for 3 weeks. My cousin said I could crash with her and her mom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah they are kind of the black sheep of the family. It’s a long story but the good thing is Sandy assures me that I can cross-dress the entire time.”

“And you are comfortable with that?”

“Not really but you have to know Sandy. It’s hard to say no to her.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Steve I have to say I think you are handling this quite well.”

Steve nodded and took a deep breath, “Sorry about my outburst earlier. I’m just a bit high strung today. When I leave here I'm going to my aunt house. It's still hard for me to go outside crossdressed and that's doubly true when I know I'm going to see someone I know.”

Doctor Johnson said, “It's ok. You have a lot to think about.”

Steve asked, “So can I get hormone therapy if I want it?”

“Seriously Steve? You think that’s a good idea considering your outburst five minutes ago? We need to talk more before I’d consider it and frankly you need to be sure of your decision. You aren't there yet. “

“I know you're right Doc. I keep going back and forth between thinking how nice it might be to live as a woman but then I think about everyone back home. I don't think I can't face them but I can't continue the way I have in the past. It needs to end.”

Doctor Johnson closed her notepad, “I know Steve but you need patience. We will get there.” She paused for a moment then asked, “We’ve covered everything I wanted to talk about today. Was there something else?”

Steve said, “Nah. I’m good.”

“Well remember you have my number. I assume you won’t be on campus for the next three weeks so we will have our next appointment the Thursday after you return.”

“Sounds good doc.”

Steve visits his aunt's house during Christmas break and finds a world he never knew existed. Will life ever be the same?

Chapter 14

Steve spread the new clothes he'd bought with Sandy on the living room floor next to piles of what he'd come to think of as his 'schoolwear'. There was no way he could to fit everything in the suitcase and garment bag he owned. He also knew Sandy would badger him to wear the stuff they bought together and he was sure she expected him to bring it.

It had been ten years since he'd last seen his aunt and he'd always wondered why she never came back to town after the divorce. Divorce was discouraged but it wasn't totally uncommon as he had a lot of friends with divorced parents. Aunt Marj on the other hand just disappeared from town and her name was only mentioned in hushed whispers. Now that he knew the truth everything made sense but he was nervous to meet her just the same. It had taken weeks to open up to Doctor Johnson about his secret and Tim was a trusted friend. Sandy didn't give him much of a choice when she showed up at this apartment and the people he'd met at the bar didn't count. Meeting Aunt Marjorie was different. This was a choice to meet someone from his past who knew his secret. She was there when he was born. He tried not obsess about it as he packed though an hour into the drive the doubts of this decision began.

Had he made the right choice?

The only “normal” clothes he'd brought were the ones he wore on his back. His anxiety grew with every mile but in a way it felt freeing. He was going somewhere instead of hiding in his apartment. He tried to think he was acting like Cortez when he burned his boats in the face of the Aztec though thoughts of General Custer in the face of the Dakota kept recurring. He knew Sandy would be cool with it and he just hoped it wouldn't be too weird around Aunt Marjorie.

The GPS led him to the address and Steve found a place just down the street with to park. He put the garmet bag over one shoulder and pulled the suitcase behind him. It wasn't far to the address Sandy gave him and he just hoped no one would notice the makeup bag he'd strapped on top of the suitcase or the purse he wore on his other shoulder.

The neighborhood looked like it had to be older than anyone that lived there as the trees were full grown and the yards well developed. Steve stopped at the foot of the steps that led to the address Sandy had given him and took a deep breath.

There was no going back.

A few steps and a quick knock on the door made it official. An older lady answered that looked nothing like Aunt Marj. The woman looked to be in her mid thirties with close cropped brown hair, a heavy set figure but still one that Steve knew would have caught his interest if the circumstances were different.

The woman asked, “Can I help you?”

Steve answered, “Um ... Is Sandy here?”

“She’s not back from college yet. Are you Steve?”

Steve nodded, “You aren't Aunt Marjorie are you?”

The woman laughed. “No. I’m Kristy. Marjorie is in the other room. We didn't think you'd get here until later.”

Steve walked into the parlor and saw a distinguished looking woman that he recognized right away.

Aunt Marj screamed, “Stevie!”, who then crushed him in a bear hug.

Steve blushed, “Hi Aunt Marj. Thanks for letting me stay at your house.”

Aunt Marj said, “It’s my pleasure. Sandy told me about your ... trouble. We're happy to help.” Steve noticed both ladies eyes had lingered on the purse he wore on his shoulder for the briefest of moments and he felt his face redden.

“It’s a long story.”

Aunt Marj said, “We have plenty of time for that. Let’s get you settled into the guest room.” She showed him to a room upstairs. As he put his suitcase on the bed, he noticed his aunt was still standing in the doorway and saw her eyes were watery.

“What’s wrong Aunt Marj?”

“Oh it’s nothing. I’m just glad to have some family here for the holidays. It's been a long time since I've seen you.” She stood quiet for a few minutes while he unpacked then said, “While you are here my house is yours. I promise there won’t be any judgments.”

Steve smiled, “Even from Sandy?”

Sandy’s mom laughed, “Even from Sandy. She and I had a long talk about you. I know her heart’s in the right place but I told her to remember that there’s really no way for her to understand what you are going through.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm not sure I understand what I'm going through but I do hope you know Sandy has been really great. The sad fact is she's probably one of my closest friends right now which is sad considering how little we’ve seen each other in the last few years.” Steve looked down at the bed and didn’t say anything.

Marjorie said, “I’ll let you settle in and if you want to talk you won’t find anyone better than Kristy and me. We can talk but are both good listeners and like I said earlier, there are no judgments in my house. Maybe I can even help so you can learn from my mistakes.”

Steve struggled to think of an appropriate response but his aunt walked out the room leaving him alone with his thoughts.

Steve hung up his clothes but hesitated once he got to his makeup bag. It was one thing to have a bunch of skirts and dresses in the closet but quite another to have makeup sitting out in the open in his room. The words “No judgments” rang in his ear as he placed everything around the mirror. Once he was done unpacking, he joined Marjorie and Kristy sitting at the kitchen table.

“We are just starting dinner. You can have a seat or go in the other room to watch some television if you want.”

“I’d like to help.”

“No need.”

“OK.” Steve decided to sit at the kitchen table. It was better to get the inevitable talk over with as soon as possible.

Kristy reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

Steve asked, “Can I have one of those?” He always felt more confident when he smoked.

Marjorie said, “I didn’t know you smoked.”

Steve smiled, “Well it’s good to know that Sandy didn’t tell you everything about me.”

“She really didn’t tell me much. Other than you know…”

“That I’ve been cross-dressing?”

“Yeah.”

Steve grabbed a cigarette and took a long drag then exhaled slowly. Kristy looked at Marjorie whose face didn't betray any emotion. It felt like he was sitting in Doctor Johnson's office only this time there were two therapists staring at him.

Steve started, “Well I’m sure you have questions so here’s everything in a nutshell. I’ve felt different my whole life but I really didn’t understand it until recently. I think things started a few years ago when I started experimenting with my mom’s makeup table. I felt ashamed and embarrassed every time but I found I couldn't stop. I went from a periodic escape at my mom's dressing table to today where I've pretty much shut myself into my apartment dressed as a woman. I really can’t explain it but the longer I've done it, I've found it harder to stop. It's to the point that when I'm not crossdressed I really feel out of sorts.”

Marjorie interrupted, “So why didn’t you change when you got here? I told you there wouldn’t be any judgments.”

Steve shrugged, “It’s hard to do in front of other people. It's a no win situation.”

“Stevie, I know you don’t know me as well as I’d like and frankly that’s my fault. I had a decision to make a long time ago and I don’t regret it but that doesn’t mean it has been easy“.

Aunt Marjorie paused as she considered her words carefully, “Here’s what I need from you. You are in my house and I insist everyone in my house be honest with themselves and each other. If you are more comfortable in woman's clothing then I insist you wear woman’s clothes. In fact I insist you go change right now.”

“But…”

Steve noticed that Margorie no long had a kind look but instead her face changed to the I-will-be-obeyed that most mother's acquire as a second nature, “No but’s. Now.”

Steve smiled, “I thought Sandy would be the one to badger me into changing.”

Aunt Marj's kind face returned, “And just where do you think Sandy gets it from?”

Steve laughed, raised his hands in mock surrender and retreated to the bedroom then stared into the closet and the outfits he'd bought with Sandy. He'd worn them all since he and Sandy had purchased them and his favorite was a bright floral print with ruffles in the right places. He wanted to be sure about this choice as it felt important. He was picking out an outfit to meet some one from his past even if his aunt did understand. The thought of being home for Christmas and walking into his Mom's kitchen in one of these outfits made him smile and lightheaded at the same time.

'Focus on the present.'

He settled on a simple pink outfit he’d bought with Sandy as it was a combination of class and cute. He had it on in a few minutes but spent another half hour at the dressing table trying to do his best at makeup. He was still struggling there though he knew he'd improved after Sandy's instruction.

Before Sandy's visit, Steve had never worried much about his hair as he just let it grow out and tied it into a pony tail. Men could get away with that look too and it suited both purposes when he crossdressed. It felt like a girl's and that is all that mattered to him.

Then Sandy showed him what could be accomplished with a curling iron and a little styling. The problem was his talents were even close to the task for this either so he decided to take out the tie and let his hair fall straight down. His hair reached well below his shoulders and he thought it looked decent but the problem was his hair in front kept falling down in his eyes. He pushed the hair behind his ears but after spending five minutes fighting it, he grabbed the tie and put his hair back into a pony tail.

Steve took his time going down the stairs, as his feet hadn't grown accustomed to the new two-inch heels Sandy had bought. When he reached the bottom, both Marjorie and Kristy turned and stared.

Steve felt his face redden again but Marjorie spoke and saved him from further embarrassment, “Oh Stevie. You look darling. Come over here and sit at the table and let’s finish our talk.”

As Steve sat, Marjorie stubbed out a cigarette, “Do you realize how lucky you are do you?”

“What do you mean?”

“”Do you know how close you are to passing for female?”

“Not really.”

“You look pretty damned close. I know dozens of trans-women that would kill for your build and facial structure. You can almost pull it off. By the way, did Sandy explain where we live?”

“Not really.”

“This area is called the Village. Do you know why I live in the Village?”

“No.”

“Of course you don’t. Your mom and dad would never talk about such things. I moved to town over ten years ago after I divorced you uncle. I didn't know anyone in town until I heard about a bar just up the street that was said to be gay friendly. One thing you need to remember is this neighborhood was much different back then. The houses are old and most owners had let them fall to a bad state of disrepair. Crime in the neighborhood was rampant.”

“I'm not sure who came up with the idea as we'd drank a lot but a group of us thought it might be a good idea to buy up property in the area near the bar. After all we were spending our night there, why not make our drive home shorter. Most of us lived in the suburbs at the time.”

“Well we sobered up the next morning and when we realized the plan still made sense a few of us decided to do it. That first year a dozen of us were able to purchase homes. Word spread at all of the gay bars and after the idea took hold we even set up an office to assist anyone looking to move into the area. It didn't take long for our idea to spook the local homeowners which only allowed more of us to move in.”

“Today the Village is the focal point for everything LGBT in the city. Over time, the whole neighborhood became a haven for us so-called “freaks”. In fact, you could go to the grocery store in high heels, stretch pants, a tank top wearing a purse and not get a negative comments though you might get a proposition or two. The community is about as understanding as any I've ever seen. I have no doubt that you could walk down to the corner store dressed like that without a problem.”

The thought was both intriguing and terrifying. “Really?”

Aunt Marj nodded, “Really. In fact, I need some milk for dinner. You want to join me to get some?”

“Oh … I don’t know.“

“There's no pressure Steve but I’m telling you it really isn’t a problem.”

“Are you sure?”

“Trust me. No one will care.”

Steve nodded, “OK, I'll do it.”

“Only if you are sure.”

“I’m sure,” Steve said suddenly feeling a bit excited.

“OK let’s go.” She turned to Kristy who was peeling something for dinner. “We'll be back in a few.”

Kristy waved, “Have fun.”

Marjorie grabbed her purse, “Where’s that cute purse I saw when you first arrived Steve?”

Steve gave a sheepish look, “Upstairs.”

“Go get it. A girl never leaves home without her purse.” Steve ran upstairs. When he came back down he saw his aunt had something in her hand. “I have an idea. Pull that tie out of your hair and sit down.”

Steve sat. He felt his aunt tugging on his hair and felt the weight move from his back to a spot higher up.“Oh that’s so precious. Steve go look at yourself in the mirror.”

Steve walked to the bathroom and saw his aunt had used a funny looking barrette to pull his hair back behind his ears but then pulled the hair away from his neck so the ponytail fell from the top of his head into something that looked a lot more feminine.

“It really like it Aunt Marj.” though he wasn't sure the butterflies in his stomach agreed.

Steve saw his aunt smile from across the room as she ordered. “Grab your purse and let’s go.”

Steve obeyed.

As they approached the first group on the sidewalk, his aunt put a hand on his shoulder.

“I have a real quick question. I need to know how to introduce you and I guess it depends on how you see yourself. Are you my crossdressing nephew Steve or something else? I’m good either way.”

“Honestly aunt Marj when I dress like this I’ve started using the name Sara. Is that ok?”

“Of course it is. My niece Sara. I like it.”

Steve felt a twinge in his gut when his aunt said the new name. It felt good.

The walk wasn’t as easy as his aunt made it sound in her kitchen. It was almost 6 PM which seemed to be the time everyone got home from work and congregated on the sidewalks to gossip. Steve saw dozens of people. At the first group everyone turned to greet Marjorie with a warm hello and a few asked if she had time to meet later. Steve watched as his aunt handled the questions like a pro and it was obvious they respected her opinion. That made sense as she was on one of the area founders.

Aunt Marjorie put her hand on Steve's shoulder, “I’d like everyone to meet my niece Sara.”

Everyone replied in unison, “Hello Sara!”

Steve gave a shy wave, unused to this sort of attention, “Hi.”

“Sara is home from college and staying with me for the holidays.”

Everyone at once said a variation of, “Welcome to the neighborhood!”

The conversation moved to other subjects and few of them even gave Steve a second look. Aunt Marj had to force her part in the discussion to a close using dinner as an excuse. Steve noticed as they continued down the street the same thing happened with every group. It seemed like his aunt was determined to introduce him to everyone in the neighborhood. Was this a setup? His sense of embarrassment had long since hit its maximum but the joy he aunt seemed to get in every introduction him gave him the courage to continue.

Steve remembered guy in particular that said, “I hope we don’t scare you too much!” then laughed and Steve realized the man probably didn’t care if he did. About half of the groups would have fit into any social gathering at college but quite a few were dressed in a way that would have given the gossips back home weeks of material. He thought one guy might be going through hormone therapy or else had the worst case of bitch tits Steve had ever seen.

When they got to the store his aunt said, “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Steve admitted, “It was scary at first but by the end I was almost having fun. You have a way with people.”

Aunt Marjorie smiled.

As they browsed the store Marj continued the conversation, “You are at an interesting crossroads in your life Steve and I’ve found there’s nothing sadder than someone hiding who they really are. As you can tell that isn’t much of a problem in this neighborhood. I know that walk was a little more intense than I said but I knew you could handle it. I promise not to put you into any situations like that the rest of the week unless you ask. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t spend your days sitting in my house. You should feel free to go anywhere in this neighborhood without fear. You always have to be careful at night right especially after the bars close as there always seems to be some idiot driving through to make trouble. The police chase them off pretty quick so even then it’s really pretty safe.”

Marjorie paid the cashier and again they walked down the street meeting groups along the way. Marjorie stopped at each one and it amazed Steve to note that she seemed to know everyone by name.

As they passed the last group Aunt Marj asked, “Did you notice that no one said anything to you? I’m sure most of them knew the truth as you didn’t bother to change your voice but they didn’t care. I'm sure you will be the hot topic on the gossip lists tonight. This place is probably as bad as our hometown in that regard. The difference is that they want to know more about you and I’m sure a few might want to ask you out.”

Steve gave his aunt a grimace.

She laughed, “Would you rather be home this week?”

Steve smiled. “You have a point.”

As they entered the house his aunt told Steve, “I want to finish our talk upstairs in my office while we wait for your cousin to get home. Is that ok?” Steve nodded.

Steve followed her up the steps and into a room littered with stacks of paper and a wall shelves filled to with books. Only the desk was clear and Steve sat in a chair across from his aunt.

Steve said, “I do want to thank you for pushing me Aunt Marj. I couldn’t have done that on my own. I can’t imagine ever doing that at school.”

“You could if you wanted. I’ve found most people don’t care and the key is to know what to avoid. For instance Sandy told me she took you to a bar and you talked to some drunk guys….”

Steve interrupted, “…She did most of the talking”

“I believe that but the thing is you were smart to get out of there. It was incredibly stupid to go to that bar as drunk guys and bars are near the top of the list to avoid. I know a full post-op transsexual that no one would pick to be chromosomally male but some guys heard a rumor and they beat her senseless. It doesn’t make any sense but it’s something you have to consider.”

“My therapist would be happy just knowing I’m outside. She’s been worried that I’ve been hiding this.”

“I'm glad to hear you are seeing a therapist. They are expensive but for someone in our position they can be a literal lifesaver. I’m sure you’ve thought about suicide.”

The sudden turn in the conversation took Steve off guard. “What do you mean?”

“Killing yourself.”

“No. I…”

“I told you this is an honesty holiday. There’s really no reason to lie to me. I’ve really heard it all. I’ve worked wth hundreds of kids in similar situations and it always at least crosses their mind.”

“Well I, umm… yeah. A little bit.”

His aunt laughed. “Just a little bit huh. Well I guess you would have only been a little bit dead”, and then she laughed again. Steve looked at her with a cross look. “I’m sorry Steve … or should I say Sara? … I’m not making light of the situation but here’s the thing and it can be just between you and me. I know there’s a part of you right now that wants to die. It might not be a big part but it’s on your list of options. I’m sorry I wasn’t around to help you in the past but now that I know I will do anything to help you. Life is never perfect, but it does get better.”

Steve smirked, “There’s that stupid line. My therapist keeps saying that too. I’ve read the brochures. It just doesn’t feel possible right now.”

“It may be cliché but I can tell you from personal experience that it does. I probably felt like you do now when I left your uncle Sal. In fact it might have been worse since I had Sandy to worry about.”

“I never knew why you left until Sandy told me.”

Aunt Marj's face looked a little sad as she answered, “It took me a long time to forgive myself for uprooting Sandy and taking her away from the family. Did you know your grandmother tried to get custody? I was fortunate that the courts felt strong that a child should stay with the mother but that didn’t help my guilt. Sal didn't want to move and I got sole custody.”

Steve interrupted, “I like Uncle Sal.”

“I do too and that made it even worse. He's been great and a lot more understanding than most would be under the circumstances. After all, I left him to be with other women and took his daughter hours away. It wasn’t until a few years later when I met Kristy that I finally began to forgive myself. She helped me understand that making myself miserable in an attempt to make others happy would have only made the situation worse. You have to live for yourself Steve. It has helped to see that Sandy has turned out so great but don’t tell her that. She’s inherited my narcissism and would never let me live it down.”

“Oh don’t worry about that.” Steve said

“So Steve… dammit.. Sara. Which do you prefer?”

“It’s ok. You can call me Steve. The name Sara actually feels weird.”

“It’s really not ok. You said you read all the brochures. Words are important. I know you are having trouble coming to terms with how you view yourself but I think it is important that you insist that others view you as you see yourself. If you want to be Sara for the next two weeks, then you should insist that everyone call you Sara. If you see yourself as Steve in women’s clothing , that’s fine too. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. It does.”

“I know it’s tough but there’s no magic pill that will make you stop cross-dressing. If it’s part of who you are then you need to figure out what it means.”

“I know it just feels weird to call myself Sara all the time.”

“Well we can call you Steve if you’d like but let me ask you something. You’ve been Steve hiding in your apartment all semester. How’d that make you feel?”

“Not good.”

“So why not be Sara for two weeks? Why not figure out if you like Sara?”

“People will laugh.”

“No one laughed in the street.”

“Sandy might.”

“I really hope I’ve raised her better than that but frankly so what if she does? The important thing is you need to be rock solid sure who you are because once you figure that out you can easily handle the laughs. I know from personal experience.”

Steve started to ask something then stopped. “I have a question ...”

“Go ahead.”

Steve thought for a moment then said, “Well, it’s about sexual orientation.” Marj nodded but didn't respond.

“I swear to you that I’ve never had a gay thought in my life and in fact at one point I was borderline homophobic but recently I’ve been having these random thoughts that are scaring me.”

Aunt Marjorie smiled, “Are you getting interested in guys?”

“That’s the thing. I’ve always had a strong attraction to girls but never committed to any of them. In the last year things have started to change. For example if I see a picture with a hot guy and hot girl, I might notice that the guy’s abs instead of the woman’s breasts. This week I even had a gay dream. My friend Tim told me that’s how he knew he was gay – when he started have dreams of sex with men.”

“Well dreams are an insight into your subconscious but they can be tough to interpret. One gay dream doesn’t make you gay.”

“But I’m thinking that maybe I’m gay and the cross-dressing is just a way for my brain to get me to admit it.”

“You said you read all the books so you need to remember that sexual orientation and sexual identity are two separate things. I’m not saying it isn’t possible but typically people cross-dress because they like to cross-dress or feel they are a woman and men are gay because they like other men. It’s two separate things but I’d really encourage you to look into it if you are really unsure.”

“Wh… huh?”

“Date a few guys.”

“Really? Just go out on a date with a guy?”

“How else are you going to know for sure? You are at a great age for experimentation if you don’t bog yourself down in the mental aspect of … ‘Oh my god am I gay? My life is ruined if I am’.”

“That makes sense but it kind of freaks me out. I mean why do you think I just started having these feelings?”

“I’m not sure but if I had to guess I’d say the Steve part of you is a closeted heterosexual and Sara is probably bisexual. ”

“Huh?”

“I lived right up the road from your house for most of my life. I know how that town can be. Why do you think it took me until I was thirty years old to figure out I was a lesbian? My guess is the Sara side of your personality never had a change to emerge because Steve wouldn’t let her. The reason you’ve had such a hard time with relationships is you weren’t fully engaged so eventually you got bored.”

“Are you saying I’ve got a split personality?”

“Not at all. First, I’m only giving you my opinion based on my experience and you definitely should talk to your therapist. It just makes sense to me that if you’ve never had gay thoughts, then you start cross-dressing and suddenly have gay thoughts that the two are related. Are you still having erotic dreams about women?”

“Sometimes but I’ve never really had a lot of dreams like that.”

“But more than dreams about men?”

“Yeah but it bothers me when I see a television show and I see a guy and my first thought is – ‘He’s hot.”

Marjorie laughed, “I notice hot guys too but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. The next few months should be interesting for you. I really encourage you to spread your wings a little but make sure you use protection.”

Steve squirmed in his chair, “OK, now this conversation is getting uncomfortable.”

Marjorie smiled, “You brought it up.”

Marjorie looked at her watch. “I’m sure your cousin has arrived so should head downstairs. Decision time - I need an answer and there’s no changing it for the rest of holiday. Steve or Sara?”

Steve thought it over then answered, “Sara.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

“OK Sara, I have a few last things to say. First I love you and I’m proud of you. Second, I’m really glad we had this talk and hope you know you can call me any time to talk. Third, if you need to talk to someone and you don’t call me I’m going to be pissed. Are we clear?”

“Yes .”

“Good.”

“Thanks Aunt Marjorie.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go get something to eat.”

Steve heard Sandy talking before he saw her and as they came down the stairs he saw her sitting at the kitchen table with her arms crossed. “It’s about time!”

Marjorie ignored her and said, “Aren’t you going to say hi to your cousin Sara?”

Sandy looked confused for a moment then said in a monotone, “Hello cousin Sara.” Followed immediately by, “Now can we fucking eat? I'm starving!”

Marjorie shouted back, “Hey watch your language young lady!” but she was smiling.

Chapter 15

Steve woke early the next morning and took a long hot shower. As he dressed, he decided to wear the blue outfit Sandy bought and spent a little extra time on his makeup so that it was as perfect as his skills would allow. When he finished, attempted to on the barrette his aunt had given him with a decent result. Kristy was in the kitchen making breakfast when he went downstairs.

He sat at the table and picked up the paper, “Good morning.”

Kristy looked up when he sat. “I didn’t hear you come downstairs Sara. You are up early today.”

It took a moment for Steve to realize she was talking to him, “Yeah I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing all night.”

“Margorie can have that effect on people.”

“She said the same thing about you.”

“I’m sure that’s true. The hardest part of being …” Kristy paused a moment as if trying to figure the correct word then continued, “The hardest part of being different is trying to find your place in the world.” She sat a plate of pancakes on the table and Steve grabbed two of them with a fork.

“Marg and I probably saved each other. It’s only been six years but my life is a lot better than it was. I’m sure your aunt would tell you the same thing. Did she mention she’s on the city council?”

“Really?”

“Figures. A few years ago this area had grown enough that a bunch of us decided we wanted to get our own candidate elected to city hall. Marj has always been the neighborhood mom and the overwhelming choice.”

“I had no idea.” That explained a lot about the reaction from the people on their walk.

“That doesn’t surprise me. She’s still embarrassed about it which I find really. It’s like she doesn’t believe she’s the right person for the job. The first election was nasty with lots of homophobic campaigning but in the end we’d grown too large and even our worst critics could see the improvements we were making to one of the worst areas in town. Margie won the first election by a few hundred votes.”

“That's when things really got better around here. With her help we encouraged the worst elements to move but somehow housing prices still dropped. It's amazing to think how many residents were perfectly fine living in a neighborhood with drug dealers but being in the 'gay district' was just too much. In the end I think even the most bigoted city leaders are happy with the current situation. We mostly keep to this neighborhood, pay our taxes into the city’s coffers and in return Marjorie makes sure they keep the streets safe. They’ve even been pretty accommodating with some of Marj’s special projects we have most of the city's halfway houses in the neighborhood. It’s been great for me as I quit my job and now work with troubled teens. Sandy spent her summers interning there which is why I think she's gone into nursing. You could say we are all pretty blessed.”

Steve couldn't believe no one had ever told him about this but he also knew when he was being manipulated. “That sounds great Kristy but I get the feeling are you telling me that long story to make me feel better.”

Kristy smiled, “You caught that? Sandy didn’t tell me much but I wanted you to know that I'm quite familiar just how difficult it can be for someone in your situation. I deal with kids that are trying to cope every day and have found the key is giving them space to figure out who they are and support them any way I can. It doesn’t always work but I wouldn’t trade it for any other job in the world.” Kristy stopped for a moment. “It’s certainly better than typing another memo to upper management.”

Steve heard someone coming down the stairs and saw his cousin walk into the kitchen with her eyes half closed, “You might want to slow down on those pancakes or you won’t fit into that dress.”

Kristy threw a few more pancakes on Steve’s plate. “Sara's looking too thin in my opinion. Nothing wrong with a few extra pounds,” Kristy patted her belly.

Steve watched as Sandy exaggerated her walk as she walked down the remaining stairs. “That’s easy for you to say you aren’t on the market any longer. Us single girls have to watch our figures.”

The conversation was making Steve feel uncomfortable and while Kristy shook her head, Steve decided to put his fork into another pancake, smother it with syrup and then stuffed half of it into his mouth.

Sandy said, “You pig.”

Steve did the same thing with the rest of his pancake.

“You know that’s not very lady like.”

A voice came from the top of the stairs, “Oh like you’d know”. Marjorie entered the room dressed in a business suit with a briefcase in her right hand.

Kristy asked, “You going in today?”

“Yeah. The offices are empty so it’s a great time to catch up on paperwork. I assume you will be at the Canaday House all day?”

Yeah I’m working until 6pm tonight though I may stay later. You know how tough this time of year can be.”

“I may stop by when I’m done,” she kissed Kristy on the cheek as she walked out the door. From the garage Steve heard a distant, “And you two try to stay out of trouble!” He heard a car door open and the sound of an engine driving away.

Sandy looked at Steve, “It’s party time!” Kristy shook her head. Steve had a feeling that happened a lot in this house.

Steve said, “It’s a bit early to party don’t you think.”

Sandy gave a mischievous smile, “I have a party of a different sort planned for you.”

Steve looked to Kristy for help but only received a similar smile in return which made Steve feel like he missed the punch line of a joke.

Sandy said, “Mom gave me her credit card so give me 5 minutes and we are going shopping!”

Steve groaned. He'd already experienced on of Sandy's fun days and could only imagine what she had in store this time.

Twenty minutes later Sandy bounded down the steps. “I’m ready. It’s time to shop!”

Before Steve could think of a good objection, they were in Sandy’s car. Five minutes later, the car pulled to a stop in front a place with sign that read, “Vivica’s”.

“What's this?”

Sandy laughed, “You’ll see.”

“I’m serious. What is this?”

“St…err dammit Sara, you have to trust me. These people are my friends. If you feel uncomfortable, we can leave but Viv is great. You’ll see.”

Steve surrendered, “Oh all right.”

Steve walked into the shop and watched as a dozen faces turned to look at him. A lady behind the counter ran to Sandy waving her arms and shouting, “Sandy’s home!”

Sandy looked about as flustered as Steve had ever seen her, “Viv, stop acting like I don’t stop by every few weeks to get my hair cut.”

“Oh I know honey but you are home for a while so we can go out! I … can’t … wait! Oh and is this the little friend? What’s her name? Oh let me guess … it’s Sara isn’t it.”

Steve was looking at the floor as the stares from the other patrons got to be too much. Sandy smiled and said, “I see the rumor mill is still working overtime on the block.”

Vivica answered, “Oh you know. People just love to tell stories to their hairdresser. I just put two and two together.”

Steve was praying that a meteoroid would hit Vivica’s place at that moment. Vivica's conversation had everyone in the shop interested in the strange person that entered with Sandy. Vivica said in a voice louder than Steve would have preferred “Sandy says you are getting the works so we should go into my office and do some planning.” Steve nodded in appreciation as he felt desperate to escape the dozen pair of eyes that seemed to follow his every move.

Viv closed the door behind them. “Take a seat. Do you talk Sara?”

Steve nodded then said, “Yeah.”

“Good to know. So tell me what you want?”

Steve met Vivica's intense stare, “What do you mean?”

“Well Sandy told me you wanted a total makeover and frankly I can’t blame you with that mop of a haircut.”

“She told you I wanted a total makeover? Did she tell you anything else?”

“If you are talking about the fact you are male no but that was easy enough to figure out. I know a fellow ladyboy when I see one.” As Vivica said the last part she lowered her voice.

“You are….?”

“Me? I’m not sure there’s a proper term for me. Fabulous, definitely. Old school people would call me a transvestite but I guess the proper term is that I’m a cross-dresser but it seems too bland a word to describe all of this. ”

Steve watched as Vivica made a sweeping gesture with her hand while pointing at her self. This woman … err man … well whatever this hairdresser was … made him feel at ease. Steve asked, “You aren’t taking hormones or you know….?” Steve made a cutting motion with his index and middle finger.

“Oh dear no. Do you know how much tail I get in this outfit? I just like dressing up in women’s clothes. I think it helps with the business too.”

Steve thought silent but didn’t say anything. He looked at Sandy but for once she remained quiet. Steve asked, “So what now?”

“It depends on what you want.”

“I don’t want anything.”

Steve heard Sandy start to speak but saw Vivica wave her off. “How long have you been cross-dressing?”

“About 6 months.”

“And you’ve been wearing wigs during that time?”

“A few but not many. I’ve mostly just pulled my hair back into a pony tail.”

“Let your hair down. I want to see how long it is.”

Steve pulled out the barrette that was holding his hair in place and his hair fell down over his face and well past his ears.

“Oh wow. Most of my clients would kill to have hair grown out like that. I know I could do a lot of amazing things with that.”

“But I don’t want to cut my hair.”

Sandy started to speak again but Vivava waved her off again. “Why not?”

“Well because at school I’m only dressed like this in private. I still can’t believe I’m doing it here.”

Vivica said, “Oh honey most people don’t even pay attention. And I should know because I try to go out of my way to be noticed.”

“I just can’t.”

“I understand honey. We can work around it and I have a few ideas. Stand still and let me take a few pictures of your face. I need you to pull your hair back away from your face so I can get a good picture.”

Steve pulled his hair back into his normal pony tail and Vivica said, “Now give me a big smile!”

Vivica took a few pictures with her camera and loaded them into her computer. “I don’t know what I did before I got this program. Makeovers are so much more fun with this.”

Steve looked on the screen and saw his face with long blonde curly hair. Sandy squealed, “I like it!” but Steve shook his head no.

Vivica said, “I agree that is a bit much for your first time. How about this?” and showed him the same image only as a red head.

“I’m not coloring my hair. I don’t even want to cut it.”

Sandy said, “Spoil sport.”

Vivica added, “I was just teasing you with those. I’m assuming your current look is how you wear your hair at school so why don’t we look at styles that will allow you to pull it back like you have it now but cut so that when you let it fall it looks more feminine.”

“I guess I could live with that.”

“How about something like this?” Steve looked at image on the screen. The hair was a bob with a part on the left and just over the ears on both sides and cut the same length in the back. “This is a basic cut that you should be able to pull off either way. At school all you’d need to do is pull your hair behind your ears with a bandana or an elastic.”

“Would I need to cut so much off? I’ve been growing this out for about 3 years now and I really don’t want to cut it that short.”

“We definitely need to even it out but how about something like this?” She showed him a similar hairstyle but cut at shoulder length.

“It just took so long to grow.”

“You really are attached to your long hair. Well how about this.” This time the part was on the side with hair past the shoulders in the front and shorter in the back.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you’ll look good in this. I can add a few layers and waves to make it look fuller but you need to cut off some length. It would be easy to pull this style back into a ponytail and no one would notice it looked feminine unless you put it down. You really need to do something. It’s too long for you right now and I hate to be brutal but it’s not a good look for either sex.”

Steve looked at the different images on the screen. It all looked so much different but he looked in the mirror and he knew they were right. He had to cut his hair.

“I could live with that one.” Steve pointed to the last image that Vivica described.

She beamed, “I think I like that one best too but I have one alteration and I need you to keep an open mind.” She tapped a few keys on the keyboard and turned the screen to Steve. The hair color was now a reddish brown.

“I’m not coloring my hair.”

“I’m not saying we go all out but how about using a temporary hair color. It should last about 2 weeks and it should be gone before you go back to school. I really hope you consider it because this really complements your complexion and I want to do it.”

Sandy chimed in, “Come on. Think about what Sara would do.”

Steve replied, “That Sara excuse is getting old but I submit. I’m at your mercy Vivica.”

Vivica smiled at Steve, “Call me Viv. Everyone else does.”

They walked to Vivica's styling station and she got to work. She was like a machine and Steve tried not to watch as he felt years of hair growth fall to the floor. Sandy disappeared when Vivica started applying the gels to color his hair. He closed his eyes as the dye rinsed out and kept them closed as Vivica put the final changes. After that it was off to the hair dryer and once it finished, Vivica made a few final adjustments then turned him to face the mirror.

Steve didn’t recognize himself. He knew his parents would freak if they ever saw his hair like this. He felt panicked but calmed himself with the thought that he could just cut it even shorter before he saw them. That would make his dad happy.

As these thoughts rushed through his head, Vivica showed Steve how to style it using a straight iron to curl by pulling it over his ears and flipping it underneath in the back. Steve was trying to decide if he liked it when Sandy walked back in.

She screamed, “Ohmygod Viv you’ve outdone yourself! I love it!”

Vivica replied, “It really turned out great. I hope you like it Sara. It suits you.”

Steve just stared, “I don’t know. It’s just so different.”

Sandy didn’t miss a beat, “Trust me S ... Sara. It’s perfect. Now get out of that chair, it’s my turn and you need to go see Rachel in the next room. She’s waiting for you.”

Steve got out of the chair and turned his head from side to side. His hair flowed back and forth like he’d seen on the TV commercials. It had never done that before and the sight made him smile.

Sandy whispered to Vivica in a voice that was loud enough for Steve to hear, “I think he likes it too. He just won't admit it.”

It wouldn’t do any good to argue and perhaps the style would grow on him. He didn’t say a word and went to the next room. When he got there, a petite blonde with a Southern drawl greeted him.

“Hey Honey. You must be Sara. You ready for your mani/pedi?”

Steve laughed, “OK sure. I’m game.”

“Put your hands and feet into the solution while we talk about what you want.”

Steve gave her a confused look but complied then said, “This is my first time so I’m not really sure what you mean.”

“Well, I’m going to clean your hands and feet then shape your nails however you want. I guess my first question is for your nails are you looking for just a clear coat, a specific finger nail polish or something more complex.”

Steve thought about it for a second. He’d been wearing false nails on the weekends for months and the idea of something a bit more permanent always intrigued him. He'd tried to use one of those home acrylic kits on himself with the predictable disastrous results.

“Well. What if I wanted something more complex but wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to keep. I guess what I’m saying is how hard are acrylic nail to take off if I don’t like them? Am I stuck with them for months?”

Rachel shook her head, “They aren’t permanent but they aren’t easy to remove either. If you aren’t sure I’d recommend you go with gel or just a nice nail polish. Both of those can be removed at home with nail polish remover and less harmful to your nail bed.” Rachel held up her hand. “This is what gels look like.”

“I know I don’t want nail polish but I do like your nails. Can you do that for me?”

“Certainly. Toenails too?”

“Why not?”

“OK here’s the big question. Do you want extensions?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never really had nails before.”

“Well then I should make them just past the end of your fingertips.”

Something in Steve's brain shouted in protest. “Don’t make them too short. I may never do this again and I want to know how it feels to have long nails.”

“OK. I’ll get started.”

Steve watched as over the next half hour, Rachel cleaned, polished, attached tips, and gel to his fingers. He could barely believe this was happening. After he put his hands under the UV light, Rachel started on his feet. Steve kept looking at the clear hard color that coated his nails. When the timer went off, Rachel cleaned each nail a final time.

“Done!”

Steve closed his fist to feel the nails dig into his skin then opened them.

Rachel asked, “Do you like them?”

“More than I thought I would. They’re amazing.”

When Rachel finished his pedicure, Steve didn’t think his feet had ever been so clean. He kept wiggling his toes and got a few frustrated looks from Rachel. After a few delays she finished.

“All done.”

Steve looked at his feet.

“What do you think?”

Steve couldn’t think of any words so he just hugged her.

Rachel laughed. “I’m going to assume that means you like them.”

Steve gave a furious nod as he left then hid his hands as he went into the next room where he found Sandy sitting under the dryer. She shouted over the sound, “How’d you like the mani-pedi?” Steve showed her his hands and she screamed, “Holy shit Viv! Look at this!”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Steve again and he felt self conscous all over. He saw lots of smiles and a few snickers but he tried to ignore them as he looked at the reflection in the mirror and watched as the stranger smiled at the sight of his new long fingernails with red polish and hair to match.

Steve watched as Vivica worked on styling Sandy's hair. He started to pull up a chair but Sandy stopped him. “You have another appointment. It won’t be fun but it is part of the package and you really need to do it.”

As Steve tried to imagine what Sandy had in mind next she meant she shouted in a voice loud enough for the whole room to hear. “Let the waxing beging!”

Waxing? “I don’t know Sandy. Isn’t that too much?”

Vivica backed her up, “You have to do it. You’ve gone this far, it would be a shame to stop now. It's part of the package.”

Steve shrugged. He could kill his cousin later.

Vivica pressed a button on her booth and asked, “Is Suzy ready for Sara?”

A few mintues later an older woman entered the room.

“Sara?”

Steve followed her into another set of adjacent rooms and then into a private room. “Strip down and put this on.”

She threw him a robe. Steve felt uncomfortable as he considered his anatomy. “Um, Suzy? You should probably know that I’m not a girl.” Suzy gave him a knowing smile, “Go ahead and change and lie face down on the table.”

It wasn't long after that he felt the warmth as Suzy started the process. Steve had shaved his chest and legs in the past but had never used wax. He had heard it did a much better job of hair removal but he'd never tried it. Women always complained about the pain but he’d always had a high pain tolerance. At least he thought he had a high pain tolerance. Fifteen minutes later he changed his mind as tears streamed down his face and had collected a pile of tissues covered in mascara. He'd never been tortured in his life but at that moment he wondered if waterboarding might be preferable.

Suzy ripped the wax off one last time as Steve bit his lip. She said, “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

Steve didn’t respond and it was everything he could do not to scream. Suzy applied lotion all over his body. “That should make it feel better but it will feel raw for a while. Make sure you moisturize the next few days but it should feel better in a day.”

Steve couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Thanks?” Suzy didn't respond so he went back to the main room.

As he entered spontaneous laughter erupted. He knew his tear stained cheeks had to be a sight and noticed one lady that he had paid an hour earlier still sitting in the waiting area. She shouted at him, “You never forget your first waxing dear”. The comment only made the room laugh a little harder.

Steve knew his face was now a deep crimson but felt a little better when he got to Vivica’s station. She said, “Don’t mind them. You are now part of the sisterhood.” Steve gave a helpless look at Sandy who gave a shrug in response.

Vivica said, “OK normally we’d send you off to get a spray tan but that needs to wait a few days since you just did a waxing.” Steve must have looked confused look on his face as she explained, “The tanning chemicals sometimes don’t react well with irritated skin from a waxing so we usually wait 2 days after a waxing to do a spray tan.” Steve felt let down. After everything else he would have loved to get a little color too.

“So what’s next?”

Vivica replied, “The best part. I’m going to have a professional makeup artist give you a makeover and since Sandy has told me just how bad you are at it we will give you some tips on color matching and best color schemes for your face and complexion.”

“I’m not that bad. She caught me on a bad day.” Vivica and Sandy nodded at each other and Steve knew they didn’t believe a word. He put his up hand up, “Believe whatever you wish.”

He was soon in another part of the building where a makeup artist named Tammy washed all the makeup off his face he'd spent so much time applying that morning. She walked him through a list of makeup recommendation she thought would suit him then started with base then added covering crèmes then added false lashes, eyeshadow, and mascara. When she finished, she added a much brighter red color of lipstick than he’d dared to use in the past. When he complained Suzy explained his new reddish-brown hair offset the bright color and combined with her other recommendations created a look that most women would kill to achieve. The more he stared at himself in the mirror the more he had to agree. Tammy was good. He knew he wasn't as good at makeup as Sandy but Sandy was an amateur compared to Tammy. A virtual stranger looked back from the mirror in a now complete image.

One thought repeated in his mind, “Hi Sara, it’s nice to meet you.”

Steve closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the moment as it overloaded his senses. As he waited, Tammy restyled his hair and gave her best effort to fix up his mussed outfit. He wondered why she was taking so much care but it came clear when he returned to the other room to a standing room only crowd. It seemed everyone waited to see the final product as even more people were crowded into the small room. He couldn't think of any other idea so he gave them a smile and took a bow as the group clapped.

Vivica's voice cut through the noise, “Show us your catwalk strut!”

The audience seemed to like this idea and while Steve tried to ignore it, the chants started until he did his best impersonation of a runway model. Steve knew it looked stupid but he didn't care and neither did the crowd. Steve saw Sandy sitting in a nearby drying chair clapping as loud as anyone.

Vivica shouted over the crowd, “OK, the show’s over. Now get back to work,”

Steve stood on the sidewalk for a few seconds to catch his breath. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he’d entered into Vivica’s studio. He pulled his watch from his purse. It was almost 3:30.

Sandy came outside a few minutes later with Vivica close behind. Steve said, “I can’t believe we were in there for over 5 hours.”

Sandy replied, “Time flies when you are having fun but we have to hurry to make the next stop. Vivica has a good idea.”

Steve worried, “Why do I have a feeling I’m going to hate this?”

Vivica soothed him, “Oh believe me you are going to love this. We are going to my favorite store.”

Sandy followed Vivica’s minivan down the side streets of the Village and pulled up to a store in a mini mall with the innocuous sounding name “Transitions”. From the street it appeared to be a wig shop as that’s all you could see in the window. Steve knew it was more when he saw Vivica get a big hug by the lady Steve assumed was the owner. “Sara, I’d like you to meet Tina. She runs this shop.”

Steve saw rows of different types of clothing along with countless other items. “What exactly is this place?”

Vivica smiled and said, “Welcome to my second home.”

Tina laughed, “This store is primarily a wig shop but also caters to the cross-dressing community. We have almost anything an aspiring cross-dresser would need and if we don’t have it … we can get it.”

Steve said, “I buy most of my stuff online. I didn’t know a shop like this even existed.”

Tina replied, “You’ve done a good job in your selections. I like your outfit.”

“I take little credit for how I look. I’ve had lots of help.”

Sandy added, “Trust him … dammit … trust her on that one.”

“Well it sounds like you are in good hands. How can I help?”

Steve stared blankly. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know this place existed until 5 minutes ago.”

“Well let me think. I see you have plenty of clothes though we have many things that will fit a man’s figure if you are interested. One thing I might suggest is this CD which gives you vocal exercises to help develop your feminine voice. I used it myself.”

“You’re a cross-dresser too? I honestly would have never guessed.”

“That’s mostly because you don’t know what to look for but most people don’t. And technically I’m not a cross-dresser, I’m transgendered.”

Steve raised his eyebrows, “Oh. Sorry, I didn't know. I thought you were a genetic girl when I first came in.”

Tina smiled, “I take that as a complement. It’s been almost 10 years ago that I started my hormone replacement. My friends and family couldn't accept the real me so I moved here and set up this business about the same time Sandy's mom and her friends started their little project.”

Vivica added, “She’s been a vital part of the community ever since.

“Not that vital but I definitely enjoy my job.”

Steve looked around the shop and saw Sandy near the counter looking at some of the display items. She looked back and said, “How much are these?”

Everyone walked over to where Sandy was standing and Steve saw she was pointing to a box with a label he was too far away to read.

“It really depends on the quality you want/need. You don't have breast forms?”

Steve shook his head at the thought, “Um no. I have a few padded bra’s though.”

Vivica shook her head, “Oh dear that will never do. Nothing beats the real thing but I love my breast forms. Nothing makes me feel more feminine.”

Steve shook his head, “Really? I don’t know. It seems silly to me. I mean I already have the appearance.”

Vivica responded, “Sara, you should know by now that it isn’t about what other people see. It’s about what you feel. I don’t think I could get into character without my breasts.”

Tina added, “Why don’t you try on a pair? You will see what we mean.”

Steve raised his hands in surrender.

Tina asked, “So I guess the first question is just how big do you want to be?”

Steve responded, “DD?”

Vivica laughed, “That might work for me when I’m on stage but if you want to pass I recommend a nice B or C cup. You will find they are plenty big. Keep in mind that the bigger the breast size the more guys will notice you and if they notice you they might notice that not everything is as it seems.”

Steve looked at Tina who nodded. She pulled out a tape measure and measured around Steve’s chest just under his nipples. “38 inches for what it is worth.”

Steve replied, “Bring me out a set of C cups.” Tina said, “How about a bring out a few different ones. There’s a big difference between some of the forms.”

Steve realized that Tina wasn’t kidding. She put 2 of her more popular styles in front of him and the cheapest was literally molded silicon that looked like a breast. The other model was made of some non-descript material that Steve would have sworn was a breast by touch if he wasn’t looking at it. It even came with some sort of medical adhesive to attach them right to your chest or you could use a special bra to keep them in place.

He pointed to the second one and said, “This one seems nice. How much?”

Steve saw Sandy waving her hands then she said, “It’s an early Christmas present.”

Tina tossed him two bra’s and another breast form, “We’ll figure it out later. Go try them on. The other box is B size just so you can compare.”

Steve went into the dressing room and pulled off his top but didn’t take off his bra. He’d never really thought much about it in the past but looking at himself in the mirror he guessed he looked like an A cup with the padded bra. He opened the C cup box and placed the form underneath his A cup bra. It looked a bit silly as the form stretched out his bra. Then he put the B cup form on the other side and looked in the mirror and pulled his blouse over top of himself and walked outside.

Sandy saw him exit first and laughed, “You look a little lopsided Sara.”

“I was tried to get an idea of the difference in size.”

Tina said, “In actuality there isn’t a lot of difference but it doesn’t take much to get a guys attention. I guess the question depends on the look you are trying to achieve. Are you going for feminine or sexy?”

“See that’s the thing. The guy in me likes the C Cup but I see what you mean. I guess I will go with the B cup.”

“Why don’t you go put that on then and come back out.”

A few minutes later Steve walked back out only now in proportion.

Tina pointed, “Look at yourself in the 3 way mirror.”

Steve looked and Tina was right. This was still feminine and as he flexed his knees he felt the heft of the new weight on his chest. “I really like these. I can even feel a bit of the weight on my back and shoulders.”

Sandy laughed, “And now you know why we girls wear bra’s. Just wait until you’ve been standing waiting on tables for hours and the bra straps are digging into your shoulders.”

Steve smiled, “Well not all of us are as well-endowed as you” then laughed at himself as he realized that Sandy was the only genetic female in the room. “How big are you anyway?”

“That’s a bit personal but I’m 36D if you must know. Honestly it’s a bit of a burden if you want to know the truth but I’m sure I get bigger tips at the restaurant because of them.”

Steve realized he was staring at his cousin’s breasts and also realized she was probably getting a bit uncomfortable. Sandy turned away and said to Tina, “We will take them and that CD. Anything else Sara?”

Steve was lost in thought, ’”No but I have a feeling I might be back. Can I wear these out?”

Tina replied, “I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. Have fun with your new purchase.”

Vivica, Sandy and Steve left the store. Before getting in her car Sandy hugged Vivica.

“Thanks for helping out. I’ll call you later this week and we will go out.”

“You’d better.” Vivica turned to Steve and hugged him, “Stay strong and let me know if you need my help. I’m just a phone call away.” She handed him her business card. “My cell phone number is on that card.”

“Thanks Vivica. I appreciate everything you did today.”

“It was my pleasure Sara. See you later.”

Steve was lost in thought as he got in to the car and realized after a while that they hadn't moved. Sandy was looking at him with tears streamed down her face.

“Tears? Really Sandy?”

“Oh dammit Steve and yes I said Steve because I’m talking to my male cousin who I've watched become Sara in front of my eyes today. I honestly don’t know what else to say but dude you rock. I can’t believe you did all that today. And look at your hair. I fucking love it.!” Sandy screamed. “I was worried all last night but mom said she thought you’d be fine. Then you go and get your fucking nails done too! Just freaking amazing.”

“That might have been a mistake. I can barely even open my purse with these claws.”

“You get used to it but that’s not what I mean. You did it without me or Viv conspiring to prompt you.”

“Don’t give me too much credit. You are talking to someone that has been dressing as a woman continuously for months and professionally done nails have been a dream. You made that possible today. I gotta say Sandy that you are still a pain in the ass but it’s worth it.” He gave her a smile so she knew he was teasing.

Sandy replied, “Damn, we really are a bunch of saps?” She lit a cigarette. Steve grabbed one too and they sat in silence. Sandy stubbed hers out, “I really needed that. Mom doesn’t know I smoke and she knows everyone in the neighborhood so I can’t smoke as much when I’m at home. Spending all day at Viv’s almost killed me.”

Steve raised his eyes. “Your mom doesn’t know you smoke? I told her I did last night.”

“Oh shit.”

“It sounds like someone has a little coming out of their own to do.” Steve laughed and Sandy said, “You bitch!”

Steve just continued to laugh as Sandy started the car and they drove away.

Christmas time can be stress filled for everyone but that is especially true for Steve as he spends his first holiday away from home. Emotions rise as the big day approaches as he tries to find his place in the world with the help of Sandy, Kristy, and Marjorie. Will he be able to handle it?