Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
By
Angel O’Hare

Dedicated with love to "Kitten" 'MO' you know who you are!

This is a story of a child most nobody wanted! Not his Father, nor siblings. A child that in all rights, should have died at birth. The only thing that kept him alive was his Mother's love, the friendship of his sister Patty, and the love from the Sisters at his school and church. Most of you will not like this story because it contains humiliation, diapers(but not in a sexual way), and yes the reference to God our creator and Jesus our Savior. Most of you won't like this story because it makes you uncomfortable. But when I read it, all I can say is: “There but for the grace of god go I.” And then I cry with a sadness in my heart, for the way we as human beings treat everything that we don't or will not understand because it does, make us uncomfortable.
ChrisW

Part 1

It all began years ago when I became seriously ill. I was six years old and came down with the mumps and measles at the same time thanks to my older brother and two sisters. My older brother Jimmy was ten years old at the time and he had the mumps. My older sister Patty was twelve and she, along with my other sister Diana who was eight had the measles. All three were home and recovering nicely, complaining and getting waited on hand and foot by my mother. Julia Whitney was my mom’s name. She was thirty years old then. My father named Bill Whitney Jr. was thirty-two and worked two full time jobs. We never saw him on weekdays and he got to sleep late on Saturday. Sunday was family day and everything was planned around that day.

My mom did not work outside the home as many do today. She was a stay at home mom who took care of everything. My dad was the only breadwinner, which meant long hours away from home. He was up, out of the house by the time we kids were up, and he got home after we were in bed all asleep or pretending to be.

The eldest child, my sister Patty, was so cool. We were friends more than siblings were. Funny how that was, but it really came to pass after my hospitalization. My brother was my dad’s pride and joy, and was the perfect son. My sister Dianna was also a favorite because she was the biggest and toughest Tomboy you ever met! My dad loved her very much. He loved my sister Patty because she was his first-born. That left me, my dad’s greatest disappointment. My name is Carol Frances Whitney, and I had the sad misfortune to inherit my mother’s looks and temperament. Unlike my mother though, I did not have her strength. My dad had a name for me that he used often, but he only used it when he thought I was not in earshot, and my nickname was. “Useless,” yes I was the useless one and most my families problems always seemed to be my fault in some way.

It goes like this, my sister Patty was usually put in charge of my care and watching me. My brother was in charge of the man work and chores. My sister Dianna helped my brother with his chores because she hated the women’s work. You would always find them together doing the big brother and little brother stuff. My dad always took the two of them whenever he went anywhere, especially fishing and hunting. My dad called my sister Dianna ‘Champ’ instead of ‘D’ like my brother called her.

I was a momma’s boy because that is all that was left for me to be. I learned to do all of the girl’s chores and skills because that is all that my mother and sister knew to teach me. At least I could help and that made me feel good anyway. I would always volunteer to do extra stuff around the house so my sisters and brother could go out and play or just give them more free time. I did this so maybe they would like me more, but my sister Patty was the only one to appreciate what I did. Of course, my mother loved it and me. One other reason was I could stay inside and be safe.

My father was very strict with the money and all I ever got in the way of clothes were my sister’s hand-me-downs. My brother’s clothes were huge on me, my father refused to spend his hard-earned money on the useless one. I remember having to wear pink jeans and girls shorts and tops while playing outside. Some of the clothes looked okay like the regular blue jeans, but they were still girls. You could always tell if you looked close. The worst time was while I was in the house. When it rained or when I was doing my chores my mommy had me wear the dresses and skirts. She said by wearing them I was making my other outside clothes last longer. It was only when I went out to play or was doing the rare outside chores as with helping her hang out the wash or beating the rugs I got to wear the pants and blouses. Sometimes I got to wear shorts, but they were always the pink ones or the ones with the girly emblems or lace on them. The only times I got to wear the clothes that looked something like boys would wear was when we went shopping or visiting. Bedtime was a bad time for me as well. I only had one pair of pajamas, they were pink, and had yellow flowers printed on them. The buttons were shaped like flowers! The only other nightwear I had were these short tops and matching panty sets. Winter meant flannel nightgowns. Slippers were the fuzzy kind and they were in matching colors to my sleepwear. My favorite time was Christmas because some of our relatives bought me boy clothes! Not enough to wear everyday, but enough so when we went to church or to family functions I could at least look like a boy, sort-of that is.

Just picture this will you, a six-year-old boy going to school and trying to make friends wearing his sister’s clothes. Not the real girly stuff, but girl’s clothes and everyone knew it! Even my shoes and sneakers were girls! I never wore skirts or dresses to school thank God, but even so, I was picked on and bullied by every boy at school and even some of the girls. Luckily, for me my teacher, Miss Bailey protected me from getting picked on and beat up while I was actually at school. It was on my way to and from school where all the problems happened.

My brother Jimmy and sister Dianna went to my school, but they were the worst ones of all! They actually made things worse for me by encouraging the other kids to tease and torment me. My brother would call me his baby sister, and my sister Dianna would always call me a sissy! She would also point out my clothes and shoes to all the kids.

Being six years old and pretty dumb about things I heard my siblings holler out, as they lay sick in bed one day. My mom was outside hanging a load of washing on the line and did not hear them. I went up and asked what they wanted, first going into my sister’s room and then to my brothers. They wanted fresh ice water, so I gathered up their glasses and holding them close to my body. Just then, my mom came in and saw me, but it was too late, the damage had already been done. I had infected my self with both the mumps and the measles! I had been protected from them previously because my bedroom was a converted walk in closet. It was actually my mommy’s sewing room. My mom always kept me out of my sibling’s rooms before that fateful moment. Not only that, Jimmy and Dianna would have killed me if I ever went in their rooms! Patty would take me in there sometimes, but it was only safe if I was with her and Dianna would always complain to her if she caught us.

That same night I came down with a fever. The next morning I was in the doctor’s office and then whisked straight to the hospital. I was in very bad shape and getting worse by the minute. To make matters worse I had to be in isolation and that meant I had to be alone all the time. Only the nurses could come in that room. One window I could look out of was right behind the nurse’s station. You had to go through two doors to get into my room. The first door always had to be closed before the nurses came into the room. They would stop in the little room before the second door and put on long cloth nurses gowns with long sleeves, cloth masks, gloves, and cloth booties over their shoes.

The nurses were trained for this and they trusted nobody else back then. Too many chances of what they called cross-contamination. To make things worse I could have no visitors! The most my mom could do was look through a window and wave or mouth words I couldn’t hear. She only visited me three times, once a month for the first three months I was there. I ended up being hospitalized for six months! I was at the mercy of these nurses with no one else to support me. I was a very sad, and sometimes a very mad little boy.

My problems began before I arrived. PAIN! Oh, what pain I was in! My whole body hurt and I was burning up with fever. What did they do? The nurses stripped me naked and put me in a tub of freezing cold water! I screamed. I was given a shot and soon all was well. The pain vanished and I felt silly. Then more pain as they inserted metal needles in both my arms. No plastic ones back then, so they also tied both my hands and arms on splints and then to the bed so I would not move my arms. That was all I could remember for a while. I guess I was out of it for a few days.

When I woke up, I was hurting again. I was stiff and my arms hurt from being held motionless for a long time. I had a tube in my nose and it was hooked up to a glass bottle with brown liquid in it. Oh did my nose and throat hurt! I remember being very thirsty and soaked to the bone with sweat. I tried to move my legs, but they would not move. My ankles had been tied down as well. I tried to sit up and could not even do that! They had put a vest on me that held me fast to the bed. All I could do was move my head, wiggle my fingers, toes, and bottom! I was very frightened and so I cried. I looked around the room, and all I could see was those bottles. One was dripping the brown junk through my nose and into my tummy. The other two were dripping clear liquid into my arms.

Through the pain, I felt something weird. It felt like a cold wet cloth was wrapped around my bottom and thingy. I wiggled my bottom and that is when I smelled it. Yuck! It smelled and felt as if I had poop all over my bottom and thingy! I realized I was diapered and I had pooped and peed in them. I looked out the window and saw the back of two nurses ´ heads. They were busy talking to another nurse standing in front of them. She saw me looking at her and told the other nurses. All three stood looking in the window at me and waved. I was crying and one of the nurses held up one finger and then she disappeared from my view. The other two nurses were mouthing words at me and their faces showed the ‘you poor baby’ look.

It wasn’t long and a nurse came in wearing all that stuff which scared me. The first words I heard were.

“It smells like our baby needs a change. Don’t cry Princess, I will get some help and you will feel more comfortable soon, okay?”

With that said, she motioned to the window and another nurse disappeared from my view. She had called me Princess! My reaction to that would soon make matters worse for me. I looked her in eyes made my mad as hell face and shouted.

“I am not a princess, I am a boy, and my name is Carol!”

I guess she wasn’t ready for that because her eyes narrowed and she tensed up. All I could see were her eyes, but I could sense the frown and could see her tense up as she marched purposely towards me. She leaned over the raised bed rail and got real close to my face.

She whispered in a very stern voice.

“I come in hear to help you, and instead of a thank you I get back talk. No child ever talked to me in that manner! I think Princess is an appropriate name for a child that was admitted to my care wearing a girls pink baby doll nightie and who has a girl’s name!”

Oh lordy, my mommy brought me here wearing one of those! I became very frightened and said I was sorry. I also said in a very soft voice that I was a little boy and I had to wear my sister’s clothes because my daddy wouldn’t buy me any boy clothes. I also told her that Carol was a boy’s name as well as a girl’s name.

The other nurse came in just as the first one told me that the way my name was spelled is as a girl would spell it not as a boy would. She added my middle name is also spelled in the feminine way. The second nurse asked the first nurse what was going on. The way she described what happened, I knew I was in trouble and I cried even harder.

Both nurses started talking to me like all was forgiven, and they used baby talk from then on. They cooed to me as they pulled down the blanket and sheet and then untied each of my ankles. That is when I saw that I was wearing a girl’s hospital gown! It was pink with little baby dolls printed all over it. I was still sobbing as I asked them how come I had girls stuff on.

The first nurse said.

“Carol Honey, when you were first admitted as I told you before, you were wearing a baby doll and our supervisor knowing you were going into isolation saw this and ordered little girls things to be set up in your isolation room. Now, since this is an isolation room and you are here, nothing can be removed or exchanged. This keeps anyone else from catching what you have. The items here when they are used or soiled are sent to a special laundry and to a special kitchen. They are then returned here for your use and no others. One other thing you should know is when your mommy informed us you were a boy we explained the mix-up about the girls items and she told us you probably would be more comfortable wearing those since you always wore girls clothing at home. By the way, my name is Karen and this is Beth, we work the morning shift. You will also meet Laura and Carolyn who work the late night shift. Rose and Brenda work the afternoon shift.”

What, my mommy said that, Oh No!

Karen and Beth started cooing to me again as they removed the pink rubber pants that covered the diapers. Rubber pants they said could be boiled unlike the newer plastic kind, Oh geeze! The smell was awful as they unpinned the diapers and peeled them down away from my thingy. Beth held my ankles lifting my bottom up and off of the bed as Karen used the wet and soiled diapers to clean most of the mess off of me. She left the diapers folded over still under me as she took one washcloth after another from a basin of warm soapy water and cleaned me up real good. Beth would hold me higher or spread my legs wider as Karen washed me.

While Karen was washing me, Beth looked at her and said.

“No wonder they gave him a girls name at birth. At first glance, you would swear he was a girl. That is the smallest penis I have seen yet. The scrotum is so tight and empty it looks like a little cunny.”

They both giggled and agreed with my mommy’s choice of names and the girl’s clothes I wore at home. They even said I was too pretty to be a boy and with a little operation, I could be the pretty-little girl I appeared to be. They both agreed I was pretty as an angel and that is what they called me from then on, “Angel.”

Karen gathered up the soiled stuff, dropping it into a white metal pail with a lid that opened and closed with her foot. She then took off her gloves and dropped them into a red colored pail. She washed her hands real good at the sink. She went to a cabinet and took out a package she opened and put on another pair of rubber gloves and returned to my bed pushing a cloth-covered cart.

Beth at the same time was untying my gown one tie at each shoulder. She untied my vest and pulled the vest and gown away from my body. I was now naked, but still tied at the arms and wrists to the bed. She dropped these in the pail as well. I was chilled and had goose bumps all over me as I began to shiver. She looked between my legs and said.

“You must be cold Angel, your little pee-wee just went into hiding.”

Karen looked and they both giggled. Sure enough, my thingy popped inside of me as it always did when I got cold. It just showed a tiny bit when I was warm. I never thought about it before now. I remembered my mommy making me always sit down to pee while my brother and daddy always stood up to pee. I was starting to feel less like a boy, and that made me real sad.

Karen removed the cloth cover off of the cart, and I saw a bunch of baby stuff on it. There were powders, creams, diaper pins, and a few things I had never seen before. She took out a new gown, vest restraint, some diapers, and another pair of pink rubber pants. She laid out five diapers, folding one in thirds. Beth lifted my ankles again as Karen slipped the diapers under my bottom. She then took a tube of cream and squeezed a big bunch of it onto the fingertips of her right hand. Beth held my bottom in the air and spread my legs as Karen spread this stuff all over me, she even smooshed it into where my thingy disappeared. She kept spreading it around until her fingers had no more cream on them. My bottom, between my legs, and even my hips were covered with this stuff. The baby powder she sprinkled was a lot! Beth let my legs and bottom down, keeping my legs spread as Karen pulled up the diapers and pinned them real tight. Then she put on the rubber pants and pulled them up and over the diapers as Beth lifted my legs and bottom again. Before they put a new gown and vest back on me, another person entered the room. It was my doctor.

Doctor Maggie Perkins, our family doctor. Well my mommy’s and my sister’s doctor as well as mine. My daddy and brother went to a different doctor. She greeted the nurses and they said.

“Hello.”

Karen and Beth rattled off a bunch of medical stuff to her, and then Dr. Perkins asked a few questions. Her eyes narrowed looking at me as Karen related my reaction to her calling me princess and everything else.

I was not a happy little boy at all. It hurt to talk, so I just thought in my head instead. I learned real fast how to hide my facial expressions, because the nurses and my doctor seemed to know what I was thinking by them. I had not learned that yet though as Dr. Perkins examined me and rattled orders off to the nurses. It was then I noticed the telephone on the wall next to the inside door. Karen called somebody and talked to them as Dr. Perkins and Beth dressed me in the stupid pink gown and this time it had little girl ballerinas all over it.

She said.

“Well my little spotted chipmunk, how would you like me to remove that nasty tube from your nose and tummy?”

I nodded as she continued.

“After I remove it I want you to try and drink something for me, okay?”

I nodded again as I was dying of thirst by then.

“Karen and Beth will untie your arms and hold them tightly, don’t you dare try to move them Punkin, because if you do you will rip deep cuts in your arms and bleed real bad okay?”

I nodded and was scared!

Just then, the phone rang and Karen went to the door as a nurse handed Karen a few things through the doorway. All I saw was her hands and arms as she was in that little room and only handed the stuff through a partially opened door.

Karen came over and set the cloth wrapped packages on my bed. She opened one that held a bottle with a sprayer and some cloth in a tray. She opened another and it held a funny banana shaped bowl and a sippy-cup. You know the kind, a cup with a screw on lid, with a little spout with four holes you sucked the drink out from. To my surprise, there was also a baby bottle complete with a rubber nipple. My facial expression must have shown my feelings seeing those items because all three of them giggled at me. Karen and Beth untied my arms and held them tightly so I could not move them.

Dr. Perkins said.

“Punkin, we will try the sippy-cup first, and if you can handle that we will not need the bottle, but if you can’t you will need to drink very slowly from the bottle okay?”
I just nodded wearing a frown, which must have looked funny to them with my swollen cheeks and neck from the mumps and my spotted face from the measles. They really laughed then!

Dr. Perkins removed something from the cart and put it around my neck, it was a large bib! Well, it looked large to me. Dr. Perkins removed the spray bottle and a few small cloths. Dr. Perkins told me to open wide as she sprayed that stuff in my mouth. It tasted horrid and made my mouth go numb. I started drooling like a baby shortly after she used the spray. She wiped my mouth with one of the cloths, and chuckled, as did the nurses. She then removed the tape from my nose, which hurt when she started pulling the tube out. She held the tube with another cloth as she pulled it all the way out, and placed it and the cloths in the tray. She then raised the bed so I was in a half sitting up position and filled the sippy-cup and bottle with a yellow liquid. She held it to my lips and slowly lifted it as I drank greedily. In just a couple of seconds, it all came up. The banana shaped bowl caught most of it and the bib got the rest. It was apple juice, and I wanted it so bad! She then wiped my mouth and chins with the bib, and brought the bottle to my lips.

She said.

“Punkin, use your lips and not your teeth to squeeze the nipple. Suck very slowly and only take a little juice at a time. Swallow and then continue taking only small sips.”

That is what I did, and this time I kept it down. I was drooling so much I was glad I had the bib. Dr. Perkins nodded to the nurses and removed the bottle from my mouth. Beth went to the foot of my bed as Dr. Perkins held my arm and splint that Beth had been holding. Beth lowered my bed almost flat, but not all the way flat as Karen and Dr. Perkins re-tied my arms and the splints to the bed once more. Beth fed me the bottle and it was then I felt a sting, first in one shoulder and then the next. Two needle shots that burned as the fluid went in and kept burning for a few minutes afterwards.

I finished the bottle, and then Beth washed and dried my face. The bib was removed and shortly after, as they were talking I fell asleep.

To Be Continued...

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Two
By
Angel O ´Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s Hell. It's always darkest before dawn. ChrisW

Part 2

I finished the bottle, and then Beth washed and dried my face. The bib was removed and shortly after, as they were talking I fell asleep...

I awoke with a start, having had a bad dream, not quite a nightmare, but definitely a bad dream. One where I was bound by hand and foot a thick rope around my waist, held helpless, immobile and at the mercy of the oncoming mean faced nurses, all holding incredibly large hypodermic needles. They were speaking loudly in a childish manner, reassuring me that everything would be fine and the needles I would hardly feel them. SUCH LIES! I started to waken with a nurse walking rapidly by me as she quickly stabbed me in my arm and then the next nurse came by and repeated the act. I awoke in a sweat, wide eyed, and fearful until I remembered where I was and what I had to look forward too.

My arms still ached from the shots I had received the day before, or was that the night? Artificial light, artificial smiles, well, everything here seemed artificial, I was an artificial girl for heavens sake! Nothing new there though, forced to wear my sister’s hand-me-downs; I have looked like a little girl for years now.

Immobile is a horrible way to be, strapped down in a very quiet room only hearing the click of the clock as it ticked off the seconds. Time passed much too slowly. You wake in discomfort, cramped legs, arms, hands and your back can feel every wrinkle in the sheet under you. SORE, and with a child’s energy coursing through your body all at the same time.

Too much time to ponder about things and you slip into depression so easily. No visitors, just nurses, and your doctor who are treating you like a baby girl. You lie there as you are forced to relieve yourself in the diapers you are now forced to wear. I mean even at home, I didn’t have to wear diapers until I was placed in that stupid crib at night.

The other bad thing was I had no way to summon anyone. I had a bell near my bed, but no way to reach it or to ring it for help. If I hollered out, I was disciplined for making too much noise. I was only to holler out for help if it was an emergency or I was in a lot of pain.

Isolation is a horrible thing for a child, and now I was isolated and controlled by others. I was being forcibly changed in mind and body. There was nothing I could do about it. My family, even my mother and eldest sister were no help to me here. I was lost, with no way other than in my own mind to deal with things as I could.

I was sopping wet, my body covered in sweat, my privates bathed in pee and poop. Something else now, my stomach felt queasy and I would soon be throwing up again!

I did just that, I threw up and was forced to swallow some back. I tried to breathe and I choked more as the vile stuff made its way into my lungs. That is what one of the nurses saw as she looked at me through the window at the nurse’s station. She came running in and it took her a minute or so to gown, mask and glove.

The next thing I knew she was pushing this tube in my mouth and down my throat. It made a sickening suction sound as I watched the vomit being vacuumed into a clear glass jar. She has pressed a button on the wall as she came in. It made the lights in my room blink on and off. I could hear a buzzer sounding as well. Soon, more nurses came and a doctor showed up as well.

More tortures awaited me as once she was through making my mouth and throat bleed from all the suctioning, the doctor gave me a shot and I couldn’t move! He then forced a wide tube down my throat and hooked it up to a machine two nurses had wheeled inside.

Now I couldn’t even breathe on my own! This stupid noisy machine forced me to breathe at the rate the doctor set it for. Another IV was set up and this time the needle was pushed into one of my thighs! I tried to scream it hurt so badly, but I couldn’t make a sound. All I could do was silently cry and I felt my hot wet tears trickle from my eyes down my cheeks. Now I hurt everywhere, as my head pounded with each beat of my heart and my lungs hurt with each thumping sound of the new machine.

I did know one thing, daddy would be hopping mad! This was costing him a lot of money we didn’t have. To him I was useless anyway. That’s what he called me a lot of times, useless. To be honest, he only said it when he thought I couldn’t hear him. At least I hope I’m right about that. I know I’m useless. I just don’t know why these doctors and nurses are trying to keep me alive. I think it would be best for everyone including me if I could just die and end all of this. I mean, I’m useless anyway, what’s the point of keeping me around.

You know, my sister Dee told me once that I was supposed to have died before in the hospital, but God didn’t want me because I was broken and just like daddy said, I was useless. If God doesn’t even want me, why am I still here? All I want to do is die, and I don’t even care where I go afterwards. Can hell be any worse than this? I think I’m in hell now! I just want to fade away into nothingness. I give up, let them do what they want, I don’t care anymore. I’m just going to fade away. I can do that!

For some reason I feel better now, much better. Kind of knowing the end to all this pain and humiliation will be over soon and I can be the one to have it all stop. I can’t move at all, the doctor just gave me another shot and all my pain has gone away and my head feels so light and fluffy. Two nurses are in here with me and they start changing me, and cleaning me up as the doctor leaves. They are cooing to me as if I’m just a baby, but I don’t care anymore. That makes me feel better and I try and smile. GEEZE, I can’t even smile! That tube has been taped into my mouth and my cheeks are now covered with tape.

I want to laugh and I would if I could. It takes four nurses to bathe me now, tiny little old me. I don’t even weigh thirty pounds. I have lost weight and now I heard them say the doctors are going to put a tube in my tummy so they can feed me that way. Yup, a couple of shots and I can’t feel or move again. The two doctors give me another shot just over my tummy. The nurses have washed me real well with this brown junk. I watch as one of the doctors cuts me open and moves things around inside me with these shiny tools. A tube is put in and I’m sewn back up. I watch as one of the nurses pours a jar of some liquid junk into the tube. My tummy fills making me feel sick, but I don’t throw up.

What did Father Kowalski say? Oh yeah, if I ever need help all I need to do is pray to Jesus and I will get the help I need. Sure, but what if God doesn’t want you? What can His Son do about it? Ok, so I will try. I’ve nothing to loose anyway by trying that. I wait until the nurses leave, but now one is always in the room with me all the time. My daddy is going to be so mad!

I close my eyes, my head still feels light and fluffy, my tummy is very queasy, but I think I can concentrate enough to pray.

Hi Jesus, it’s me Carol, the useless kid your Daddy doesn’t want. Would it be ok if I ask you a favor? (No answer as usual) Could you just let me die and disappear? I mean not send me to hell, or anyplace like that. I’m not a bad kid; I’m just a useless kid. Do you have a place like a dump where broken and useless kids go and just turn into dust after awhile? I think that’s where I belong. The kid dump would be ok. Thanks Jesus.

I have a lot of time now and I’m no longer tied down. I mean they keep giving me shots and pouring that gunk into that tube in my tummy. I can’t move, all I can do is poop and pee on myself. My mommy came by today. All she did was cry and kneel next to my bed and pray while holding her Rosary. You know that string of pretty beads with the cross and the medal on it. She stayed for a few hours and the nurses and my doctor gave her a hug as they shook their heads as they talked to her. She kissed me and left still crying. I think I’m dying. That’s so cool! I can’t wait to just go to sleep and never wake up again. Pretty soon, I will be in that dump with all the other useless kids, rotting away until we all turn back into dust. That’s what Father Kowalski said. We were created from dust and we all will return to dust, just our souls will go on to Heaven. Mine won’t I don’t have a soul. Useless kids like me don’t have souls. We can’t have them, God doesn’t want us, and so we can’t have a soul that lives forever.

Wow, what a nice dream I’m having! It’s the first nice dream I’ve had in a long, long time. My head is lighter and fluffier than it has ever been before! This is so cool, I’m naked with no tubes or needles or anything else sticking into me! It’s as if I’m floating away, and it feels so neat!

NO, NO, NO! I don’t want to wake up! Don’t make me come back to hell! NO!!!!!!

Yup, but its different now! No isolate, no IV ´s, no tube in my throat, but I still have that tube in my tummy. No nurse is nearby, but as I look around I see a few other little kids bigger than me, but kids. OH GEEZE, they are all girls!

Yup, I’m still wearing a girl’s hospital gown. Funny thing is they call them Johnny’s. How can you be wearing a pink ‘Johnny’ with little baby dolls all over it? Isn’t Johnny a boy’s name? Stupid isn’t it? Hospitals are filled with stupid things like that. Yup, I’m still wearing stupid diapers and rubber pants, I can feel them. Wow, I can feel!

My mommy uses a pan to cook with, here you poop and pee in them Giggle, giggle. They call it a bedpan Giggle, giggle. I saw them help one of the girls sit on one while she was still in bed. She peed and pooped in it Giggle, giggle.

OH CRAP! This means I’m still alive and daddy is going to madder than he ever was before! I’ll be sent home and I’ll be kept in the crib for a while. That means more diapers and rubber pants. Daddy will be mumbling nasty things about me again. When he looks at me, I can tell he wishes I were never born. GEEZE, I wish I were never born! Maybe I can do something before they send me home and I can die, as every one really wants me too. Um, oh yeah, I’ll just pull out this tube and then they won’t be able to get food in me.

I reach under the sheet, get a good grip on the tube, and yank! OUCH! GEEZE, that hurt me a lot! The girl’s are asking me if I’m ok. I manage to smile and lie to them. I say.

“Yeah, I’m ok; I just got a pain in my tummy.”

I can feel this hot wet stuff pumping out onto my hands and it does hurt a lot, but I hide it by smiling. I’m so happy I even giggle. That gets the girls giggling and I think this is going to work.

I’m feeling very sleepy now and just close my eyes when I hear the girls start hollering and screaming. GEEZE, I was just about to go to sleep! What’s so scary anyway? I look and they are all pointing at me as the nurses come running in. I look down and see this brown junk and a lot of blood soaked through the sheet and blanket.

Soon I’m put on a smaller bed with wheels on it. They whisk me away as a nurse is pressing on my tummy. I tell her she should let go and just let me die. I’m just a useless kid anyway and I’m not worth anything. I just ramble on because it feels good to be able to tell somebody how I really feel and nobody is stopping me from talking. I tell them my whole story as they eventually wheel me into this big room with a huge light right in the middle of it suspended from the ceiling. A bunch of doctors and nurses are in there wearing these green gowns and all are wearing masks. They have these rubber gloves on too. Soon I’m naked and strapped onto this high bed in the middle of that room with the huge light now shining down on me.

OH CRAP, Needles again and in both arms! Oh, one of them has blood going into me and the other is this clear stuff. A man in a mask put a big black mask with a balloon on it over my face. It smells nasty but he keeps it over my nose and mouth until I get real groggy and then I don’t know what happened. That stuff tastes as bad as it smells!

I don’t know what they did, I wake up, my mommy is holding my hand, and she is crying. GEEZE, I didn’t die! I failed again, I guess us useless kids fail at everything. My mommy sees that I’m awake and calls to somebody named Cathy…

To Be Continued...

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best

Part Three

by
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s Hell rebirth. The darkness continues. Heaven, let your light shine down. Chris W.

Part 3

I don’t know what they did, I wake up, my mommy is holding my hand, and she is crying. GEEZE, I didn’t die! I failed again, I guess us useless kids fail at everything. My mommy sees that I’m awake and calls to somebody named Cathy…

Two women come walking in as my mommy holds a glass of water with a straw for me to sip. Oh that is so good, but she pulls it away before I can drink too much too quickly. My hands have been tied to the bed.

One of the women is a nurse and she raises my bed so I am now sitting up. The older woman sits in a chair next to my mommy and tells me her name is Dr. Cindy. She is holding a notebook and is reading from it. My mommy looks at me and says.

“Carol, I’m so sorry for what I said about the little girls clothing. I just didn’t think you would mind being that you, are always dressed as a little girl at home.”

Dr. Cindy asked my mommy to go with the nurse for a little while. I guess she wanted to talk to me alone. My mommy can be so weird sometimes. I just don’t understand how she can think what she does! I mean, she doesn’t ask me anything; she just does things and assumes she is doing what I want, GEEZE!
Dr. Cindy smiles and begins by saying.

“Carol, you told the nurses some very interesting things while they were wheeling you to the operating room. Do you remember what you said?”

“Um, (oh, my throat hurts) let me think for a second okay?”

“Sure, and here, let me spray some of this in your mouth, it will make your throat feel better okay”

I nod as I think about what to say to her. She doesn’t look like a doctor; she is wearing a nice skirt and blouse, not a white coat or anything like the other doctor’s wear.

“Um, how come you aren’t wearing a white coat Dr. Cindy?”

She chuckles and tells me.

“I’m a psychiatrist Carol; I help people to think clearer and help solve emotional problems.”

“Oh, so you won’t be stabbing me with needles or putting tubes in my throat or tummy?”

“Well, if you need an injection to calm down or get a good nights rest, I can do that. I don’t put tubes in throats or tummies though.”

“GOOD! I don’t want any more of those! I just want to go to sleep and not wake up anymore.”

“Carol, you still need the G-Tube in your tummy for a little while yet, but it can come out soon, as soon as you start eating on your own.”

“NO! I can’t do that! My daddy is real mad already, he will just get even madder if I cost him more money! Food costs money, so does all of this other stuff! I’m a useless kid anyway, why are they trying to save me? I’m broken and can’t be fixed. Even God doesn’t want me!”

I start to cry then I mean I really cry. My heart is all broken in little pieces like an eggshell that has fallen to the floor and shattered. I notice she has taken a syringe out of her big notebook and I scream.

“NO! NO! NO!”

She injects me and I get dizzy, foggy, my brain goes numb and I’m asleep.
--^--
“Mrs. Whitney, your son is in serious danger of going catatonic very soon. I need to understand more of what is going on at home and especially with his father and… let me see, yes, his sister Diana, and brother Jimmy. It seems all of his troubles start with his father and go from there to his siblings and then even to God.

“Physically he is down twenty pounds, which makes him weighing only twenty-pounds now. If it weren’t for the IVs and the tube feedings, Carol would be dead. The blood loss from his attempted suicide, which I add was no accident and done in a way to fool those around him. He was actually smiling as he passed out. I have to know everything and I have to know now Mrs. Whitney! No holding back or I swear I will remove Carol from your custody and place him in the care of the state.”

“Please Doctor don’t do that! Carol is loved by his eldest sister Patty and me very much! I will tell you everything, but please don’t take him away from us? Please? Let me get Patty too tell you her part too, all right? PLEASE?”

“Alright, I’m listening, but I warn you Julia, if I sense that you are not telling me the whole truth, I will do as I say! Now first, who in your family actually love and care for this child?”

“My sister Harriett, my daughter Patty, me of course, Sister Anne from church and school, and Father Kowalski our priest all love Carol, they call him Angel. Um, Then there is our neighbor Mrs. Cosgrove and her daughter Samantha, Oh, Mrs. Jenks who directs the choir. Carol loves to sing and usually he sings his prayers. He stopped that practice when he was sick at home the last time. Um, oh, he seems to have a lot of animal friends. He has several pet squirrels, a few pet birds, um, oh and Smokey, a horse that is nearby.”

“These birds, are they pets in the home?”

“No Doctor, they are Bluebirds, a Cardinal and an owl, the owl frightens me he is so big, but Carol lets him sit on his lap. The squirrels climb on his shoulders and the other birds land on his head or arms. He talks to them and I swear they talk back, but we know that isn’t possible.”

“Good, I can use this information for the better. Now why does he say God doesn’t want him?”

“Um, that’s Diana’s fault and I did have a long talk with her and my husband about this. It won’t ever happen again.”

“I want an explanation Julia.”

“Um, Carol was pronounced dead by the doctor’s two-years ago while undergoing treatment for lymphoma. Um, it was several hours later, that he woke up. Dianne told him that the reason he woke up was that God didn’t want him because he was broken and useless. You see, Bill, my husband would call Carol that when he didn’t think Carol could hear him. I guess Carol did hear him and it must hurt him terribly.”

My mommy was crying real hard as she choked out her story. Dr. Cindy was writing like crazy in her notebook and I was being transferred to the crazy kids unit. I was now fully restrained and out cold!

“Alright Julia, I want to meet everyone on this list I am giving you. The first two are your husband Bill and your daughter Dianna. I want to meet with them today, No ifs, ands, or buts, about this! They see me today or Carol is no longer part of your family. I will remove him from your custody and care and place him in the care of the state. You will not know where he is and you will not be able to see or visit him without a court order. Do you understand me Julia?”

“Yes Cindy, I will get them to come right away.”

“Here is my card Julia, call me and I will tell you when and where we will meet tonight.”

To Be Continued...

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best

Part Four

By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Still full of uncertainties about his future, not knowing who to turn to for the answers but getting a glimse of, HOPE Chris W.

Part 4

“Here is my card Julia, call me and I will tell you when and where we will meet tonight…”

Patty was serving the dinner since my mommy was on her way home from the hospital. Patty wasn’t happy with the gathered members of my family. Even when my daddy told her, how good she had done cooking and preparing the meal and table. Of course, Dee (Dianna) had refused to help and my daddy once again let her get away with it. If my mommy were there, Dee would have been MADE to help in the kitchen.

The bad thing happened when Dee said.

“Daddy, do you think Carol will come home again?”

Daddy replied.

“I don’t know ‘Champ’, your mother tells me Carol isn’t doing well at all. Carol wants to die and I hope God lets it happen this time.”

Patty became so mad she grabbed the big pot of spaghetti she had just put on the table and dumped it right on the floor! She said.

“DADDY, how can you be such a monster? Carol is the sweetest and is always trying to help! Even when he is hurting and sick he is always trying to help mommy and me! You, Dianna and Jimmy are selfish monsters and all you think of is yourselves! This is the last time I will cook and clean for any of you! You can do it all yourselves from now on!”

My daddy grabbed her arms, held her tight, he looked mean, and nasty. He was mad as hell! He let go with one hand and slapped her hard across her face! He hollered.

“Patty, no daughter of mine will ever talk to me like that and get away with it! I’m so tired of working double shifts every day, sixteen hours a day I work for my family and that includes you! What do we have to show for all of my hard work? NOTHING! Nothing thanks to Carol and all the hospital bills I have to pay. Carol is the reason none of you have anything nice to wear, no nice things to play with, just food that we can get enough of to feed us that is cheap and affordable with our limited budget! Face the truth for once Patty! You and your mother are living in a fantasyland! Carol will never get well enough to succeed at anything. Carol can’t even be the boy that it is! Just look at that child! It looks just like your mother when she was little! A boy that is more girl than boy, a boy that is always sick and needs constant care and all of my money just to keep it alive! I refuse to recognize that child as mine! What has it ever done than need? Huh? You tell me now, what has that child ever done to help any of us here?”

My sister Patty, now holding her red and swollen cheek shot daggers from her eyes at each of them. My sister Dee was smiling and my brother Jimmy had a smirk on his face. My daddy, well he was all red in the face and I think he realized he had said too much! He just revealed to her his true feelings towards me and they were not good ones!

Patty answered him.

“He has given us more than you three ever have. He has given everything he has and everything he can give, whenever he could give it! He has given of himself totally without any reservation and without any demands or asked for anything in return. You three, HA, all you three ever want is more; more food, more clothes, more toys, and more free time to do what you want! Dianna, you are the worst of all and daddy lets you get away with it! You are the meanest, most selfish, greedy and evil girl on this planet! You want to be a boy. Fine, get out of my room and move in with Jimmy. I would rather sleep in the cellar than spend one more day in a room with you! As for you Jimmy, all you ever do is make Carol do things for you and even when he does, at school you make his life hell! What has Carol ever done to deserve such hatred from the three of you? YES HATRED! That is the only word I can come up with that fits how you treat Carol every day, day after day! Well, I’ve had enough!

“Daddy, you can slap me and you can beat me, but I will no longer serve any of you. You three deserve each other and you three can now take care of yourselves. You are so perfect and you are so good, you don’t need anyone right? The heck with you all, I’ve had it!”

Patty ran upstairs and started moving all of Dianna’s things into Jimmy’s room. She just threw them in Jimmy’s room as they landed here and there. She thought.

“Let them clean up their own messes this time. Carol has always cleaned up after them and it isn’t fair. They hate him and all they ever do is use him and treat him badly.”

Patty was crying as the three just looked at each other. Daddy was still hopping mad, but he just sat down with his head in his hands. Jimmy and Dianna just smirked, but looked up as they heard things being tossed into Jimmy’s room.

Mommy pulled into the driveway and this made the three look at each other again. Mommy walked in, her eyes swollen and red. Her tears still falling freely as she took in the sight.

She asked them.

“Where is Patty?”

They just pointed upstairs as one. Mommy looked to Jimmy and Dianna and said.

“Clean this mess up, NOW!”

Surprisingly daddy didn’t even look up, so Dianna and Jimmy, knowing better than to argue with mommy without daddy to back them up, started cleaning up the mess really fast!

Mommy went upstairs, took in the sight, and understood the unspoken reasons for Patty’s actions. They hugged and cried on each other’s shoulders. Patty then explained everything that happened to her mommy. Patty asked her to help and they moved Dianna’s bed into Jimmy’s room and everything else that was Dianna’s soon was in Jimmy’s room. Mommy told Patty what happened at the hospital with Carol.

Mommy then went downstairs and told Daddy and Dianna they had to go see Dr. Cathy tonight. Dianna groaned and mumbled that she would have to wear a dress, but mommy surprised her and told her to dress anyway she wanted to dress. Since to daddy Carol was a little girl, from that moment on, mommy would treat Dianna as a boy.

She said.

“You have those work clothes your daddy bought for you and those work boots. You can wear those. Oh and when you get back, I will have the hair clippers ready, and we will give you a haircut. No son of mine is going around with long girlish hair! Oh, and Jimmy, go help your Brother ‘Champ’ put away his clothes and things. You are both sharing your room now.”

They just stood there looking at mommy. They didn’t know what to say, my daddy was stunned and was just staring at mommy.

She said.

“Go on, and do it now! I will finish up down here while I talk to your father. It might be just you three living here soon. It all depends on what your father says, now go!”

Dr. Cathy had the nurses change my gown to a little boy’s gown. She talked to each of the nurses and told the head nurse she wanted to see each of the nurses that would be taking care of Carol. She told them each the same thing and that was to treat me like the little boy I was, and if she heard that, any of them treated me different or treated me like a baby, that would be the last day they would work in this hospital. The nurses sure did listen to her then! The head nurse even told the other head nurses and the word spread faster than a wildfire on a hot, dry, windy day!

Mommy fixed daddy some coffee and she made herself and Patty some tea. Mommy had made an ice pack for Patty’s cheek and looked daggers at daddy!

Mommy said.

“Bill, drink your coffee, gather your thoughts and when I am through on the phone, we will have a talk and you had DAMN WELL BETTER LISTEN TO ME THIS TIME!”

Mommy had Patty go with her and they took the phone into my room and mommy made several calls. The first one was to Dr. Cindy and she left a message. The next one was to my Auntie Harriett, they talked for a little while, and Auntie Harriett was soon on her way over.

My mommy called the convent next and talked to Sister Anne. Sister Anne then called Father Kowalski and they both were headed to the hospital to see me. Mommy waited for the phone to ring and that’s when Patty and she had a nice talk. Dr. Cindy called and would see Daddy and Dianna at nine that very night!

Mommy and Patty waited until Auntie Harriett arrived. They talked for a while and then came out of my room; they all sat at the kitchen table with my daddy. He sure looked worried!

Mommy started by saying.

“Bill, Carol tried to kill himself for us. He didn’t want to be a monetary burden to us anymore. He heard you call him useless and he believes that. He also knows that Dianna and Jimmy hate him and believes our situation is his entire fault. YOU are responsible for this Bill! I am responsible; our entire family with one exception is at fault! That exception is Patty and you slapped her across the face for trying to tell you the truth! Now, if your feelings toward Carol as Patty has told me are true, we have nothing further to discuss. Patty and I will be moving to Harriett’s and you can have the two BOYS and this house you care more for than your own child!”

My daddy stood up, grabbed my mommy in a big hug, and started crying! He tried to talk, but he just couldn’t. He does love my mommy tons and ton’s. He loves his family, but I guess I’m the exception. I ruin all his plans for what he wants to get and provide them with.

It’s all my fault! If I was dead, they would all be happy and have nice things, real good food, a nice car, daddy would only have to work regular hours and be there for them.

I wake up and slowly get my sight and feeling back. A nurse is smiling at me and she says.

“And how is our scrappy boy doing now?”

WOW! She called me a boy! I look down and see I’m wearing a little boys Johnny, baseball players! COOL!

Then I notice I’m all tied up again. Still in diapers and rubber pants, I can feel them. The nurse smiled at me and offered me some ice chips to chew on. I gladly accepted them and smiled at her, she said.

“Now that is the nicest smile I have seen in years Carol. Thank you, I needed a nice smile this evening, it has been a long hard day for me, and I have another shift to go yet.”

I said.

“Um, where am I Nurse?”

“Carol you are in the best and safest place in the whole hospital now. No one will be teasing you or making you do things you don’t want to do okay?”

“Really Nurse? Um, will they let me die here?”

“Carol, please call me Pat okay?”

“Oh, okay, my bestest sister is named Patty. I love her lots and lots! She can’t have any nice things because of me. My mommy can’t have any nice things because of me. It’s all my fault that my family can’t have nice things. That’s why Jimmy and Dianna hate me. My daddy doesn’t want me either. I tried real hard at home to help and not fuss about having to wear the girl’s clothes, but I still cost them too much money. That’s why my daddy has to work so much. He’s always working and never has much time to spend with his favorite kids.

“His favorites are Dee and Jimmy. He loves Patty and my mommy too, but Dee is more of a boy than I am, so he loves her the most. She does all the boy things I can’t and she even wants to be a boy. My daddy even buys her boy’s stuff. She hates wearing her bra and mommy has to make her wear it.”

I giggle and Nurse Pat laughs. She just lets me talk and I ramble on about my family and how it is all my fault that they don’t have nothin’.

I keep munching on the ice chips and then she even got me some ice cream! She had to feed it to me, but it was real good! I had chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry! We talked and she fed me, always smiling and treating me nice. I even had some soup! She makes me happy and I can talk and talk!

The meeting in the kitchen turned serious as mommy told daddy everything Dr. Cindy had said. She then told him that if it came down to a decision of staying with him and giving up me to the state, he would lose and could keep the children he loved the most. Mommy and Patty would move in with Auntie Harriett and I would stay with them. That way, he could cut back his hours and concentrate on spending his hard earned money on just three people. Either way, it all depended on how his and Dianna’s meeting with Dr. Cindy went. Mommy is going to call Dr. Cindy and inform her of what she had planned and what had went on in the house while she was gone between Patty and the rest of them. Daddy still crying managed to say that he would try to change.

Father Kowalski and Sister Anne arrived at the hospital and ran into a stone wall as they tried to see me. The head nurse made them wait while she paged Dr. Cindy. It turns out that they had a nice long talk and were allowed to come see me one at a time. Sister Anne was first.

Nurse Pat saw her at the door and talked to her for a minute. I was so happy! Sister Anne is here to see me! I love Sister Anne! She is the coolest Sister in the whole wide world! I said.

“Sister Anne! Sister Anne! I missed you so much! Jesus didn’t answer me again! Maybe you can talk to Him for me?”

Sister Anne and I talked and talked! I was feeling so good now that I could talk to people who actually listened to what I said! She even brought me my favorite blueberry muffins! She makes the bestest blueberry muffins ever! She fed me bite after bite between talking. I was even given a strawberry milkshake to drink! Things were looking very good in this new place at the hospital!

Dr. Cindy was being briefed by Nurse Pat and they were both real happy! I was eating and didn’t even realize it! I was happy for the first time since I was hospitalized and all it took was for someone to treat me like the little boy I was and really listen!
I talked and ate, talked and ate. Where did she get all those muffins? Anyway, we started talking about prayer, how much more Elohim liked it when they were sung from the heart. Much more so, than when they were just said and wanting something for yourself instead of asking Elohim’s help with others.
I told her that I wish I could go to church, but I was always being tied up now. I started getting sad again, but Sister Anne told me to hang on a minute and she would go see what she could do about that. I was hopeful and that made me happy!

Oh GEEZE, am I stuffed! Nurse Pat comes in with Dr. Cindy and they are smiling real big! They seem real happy and that makes me smile…

To Be Continued…

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best

Part Five

by
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. But when he questions his own worth in life, things take a turn.
For the worse? You decide… Chris W.

Part 5

Oh GEEZE, am I stuffed! Nurse Pat comes in with Dr. Cindy and they are smiling real big! They seem real happy and that makes me smile…

I watched as all three walked out of my room. They were all smiling and each looked at me with huge smiles on their faces as they left. Father Kowalski walked in then, he looked very serious, but he was smiling. He looked around, winked at me, and then untied my hand restraints. He untied my waist restraint as well, lifted me up, and held me in his arms.

He said.

“Angel, after all I’ve told you about Elohim, why do you believe He doesn’t want you?”

At first, I felt a little funny with the long straps from my wrist and waist restraints hanging off of me. I wish he would just remove them, but I guess this was better than nothin’.

I thought for a minute, and then said.

“Father, I know Elohim doesn’t want me. I never get an answer when I pray not even from Jesus! Dianna told me that God doesn’t want me because God sent me back when I died. If Elohim wanted me that was when I would have gone to Heaven, I was sent back because I was broke and couldn’t be fixed. I’m useless, even my daddy says so! Elohim doesn’t want useless kids like me, just as my daddy doesn’t want me. All I do is cost my family a lot of money and that keeps them from having the nice things they should have. My daddy works so hard and it’s my fault he can’t buy nice things for everybody else. Jimmy and Dianna really want nice things and they know it’s my fault they don’t have any. That’s why they hate me too. I make daddy feel bad, and I make Jimmy and Dianna feel bad. They feel bad because I’m still alive. If I were dead, everybody would be a lot happier.

“Father, I prayed again to Jesus this time, I prayed for Him to let me die and go to the kids dump. I don’t want to go to Hell. You know, at first I thought the hospital was as bad as Hell. They treated me like a baby girl and were mean to me all the time. How bad could Hell be compared to the hospital? Anyway, since they moved me here to this special room, I feel a lot better. They let me talk and treat me like a little boy. They listen to me and that makes me feel good.

“Father, my daddy is going to be super mad at me again. All this stuff and what they are doing for me here is costing him a lot of money. Money he doesn’t have to spend. If I die and go to the kids dump, then everybody will be happy including me!”

I notice that Father Kowalski has tears falling from his eyes. He isn’t crying as I do, but the tears are falling anyway.

He then asks me.

“Angel, what is the kids dump?”

I giggle and tell him how I came up with the kids dump.

I say.

“Oh, well you see if Elohim doesn’t want me I must not have a soul like all the real kids do. I don’t think I’m the only useless kid, so there must be a place for all of us useless kids to go to when we die. I figure that since we don’t have souls we can’t go to Heaven, so we can’t go to Hell either. There must be a place for useless kids to go to when they die. Here on earth, we have garbage dumps where all the useless things we have end up. It makes sense that Elohim made a huge dump for us useless kids to go. Once we turn back into dust, Elohim can make a useful kid out of us.”

Father Kowalski walked over to a chair and sat down, holding me firmly on his lap. He held me tight as I felt him shake a little and I watched as more tears flowed from his eyes. He just held me to him, hugging me tightly. This went on for a while until I said.

“Father, I’m sorry I’m making you cry. I make everybody cry, I’m just a useless little kid that never makes anyone happy. Even when I sing, people look happy until I finish singing, and then some people always get mad at me. I know I’m just a useless broken kid. I’m not a girl like everyone that sees me thinks I am. I’m not a little boy either the nurses told me that. They said I needed an operation to make me into the little girl that I am. That means I’m not a little boy and I’m not a little girl. My daddy is right I’m an IT. He calls me that too. I’m a useless IT, not a little boy, not a little girl, I’m just totally useless and I need to die, go to the dump, and then Elohim can make a good kid out of my dust.”

I hadn’t noticed, but Dr. Cindy, Nurse Pat, and Sister Ann were standing just inside the door listening to everything we both had said. Sister Ann and Nurse Pat were crying like Father Kowalski, but Dr. Cindy looked angry! She said.

“Pat, get Carol back in the bed and secured. Father, Sister, I want to see you both, NOW!”

Father Kowalski handed me to Nurse Pat and I hugged her tight as she carried me back to my bed. I said.

“Nurse Pat, I’m sorry I made you cry. I make everybody cry. Please don’t cry, I’m not worth anything to anyone, not even to Elohim, so don’t cry for me OK?”

It didn’t work! She just cried even harder as she said.

“OH GOD! How can you be so cruel, as to let an innocent child suffer so?”

To Be Continued…

Why Me!

Or
Others Know Best
Part Six

by
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol is too pretty to be a boy and doesn't really want to be a girl. So he has decided to be an, “IT” But will Carol's life really change? Chris W.

“OH GOD! How can you be so cruel, as to let an innocent child suffer so?”

Nurse Pat retied my wrists, refastened my restraining vest, and made sure I was as comfortable as I could be considering. She sat me up, and then brought over a big carryall bag she had in the corner. She smiled at me and said.

“I think it’s time to do something with that mop you call a head of hair Carol.”

I giggled and said.

“Mommy always trims it, but somehow it’s gotten longer, and longer. I think she likes me in longer hair, she says I look like a misfit toy with shorter boy cut hair. Sister Anne let’s her get a way with it and the other boys are mad at me. The girls like it though, but they all think I’m a girl now anyway. They don’t know I’m an IT. If I don’t get to die this time, I’ll have to tell them I’m an IT so they will be happy.”

She started brushing my hair with this funny brush that has these little balls on the ends of the bristles. She started brushing from the bottom, working out all the snarls and knots. While she brushed, she asked me.

“Carol why would your classmates be happy to know you’re an IT and not a little boy?”

I giggled again, grown ups can be funny when they don’t understand simple things. They’re supposed to know everything aren’t they? I said.

“Because Nurse Pat, if I’m not a girl, and I’m not a boy, I can follow any of the rules set for both. They can’t be mad or angry with me anymore because I’m not getting away with breaking the rules!”

I giggled and she laughed and said.

“Oh Carol that’s perfectly logical, I should have thought of that!”

Then she said something that got me thinking, she said.

“If you’re not a boy, and you’re not a girl, you can be either on the outside and no one can say anything bad about it right Carol?”

I had to stop and think about that one for a minute. She kept brushing my hair, now that it was free of the knots, and snarls, it felt very nice.

I said.

“Now that I’m an IT, I guess you’re right Nurse Pat. You know, everyone always thinks I’m little baby girl at first. A lot of grown ups call me Angel, or their Little Angel, Mommy and Patty call me ‘My little Angel,’ um, maybe if I don’t die this time, I should just stay dressed as a little girl. I think that would make everybody happier if I did. Daddy would be happier because he wouldn’t have to listen to everyone telling him he should be buying me boy’s clothes. He doesn’t like to buy me anything because I cost him to much money all ready.

“You know Nurse Pat, I told him not to get me any birthday or Christmas presents because I cost him too much money as it is. I even told my grandma’s and grandpa’s not too, but they still do. My mommy’s mother, that’s my grandma got me socks and underwear; my mommy’s daddy, that’s my grandpa got me boy’s pants and shirts. That made daddy mad for some reason. His mommy and daddy get me girl’s underwear and new dresses. That always made me mad, but daddy was happy. He all ways says I look like my mommy did when she was little. I saw pictures and we do! She wasn’t as little as I am, but we look almost like twins!

“I stay little because I had lymph something when I was just a baby, that’s cancer. I died then and even stayed dead for a while, but Elohim sent me back here because I was broked and couldn’t be fixded. He doesn’t want broked kids in Heaven; they all have to be perfect like He is.

“I scared the nurses real bad when I sat up, and they scared me when the screamed looking at me. I thought I came back as a little monster. I didn’t though, I came back just like I was before as an IT. I didn’t know I was an IT, I just really found that out. The nurses told me in that other place in your hospital. That’s a bad place you know Nurse Pat! You have to be all alone and no one comes to visit you and know one will talk to you or listens to you at all! They just coo to you like you’re a baby, and tell you what you have to do. If you try and say something, they get mad at you.

“Nurse Pat, maybe I should dress like a baby girl now instead of a baby boy. That will make everybody happy you know. I can keep my hair long like mommy wants it and the boys won’t get mad because I’ll be dressed like a girl. Daddy will be happy because he doesn’t have to buy me any clothes. His mommy and daddy will be happy because that’s all they ever get me. Um, but I can still be a boy when I go over to my grandma and grandpa’s house with mommy and Patty.”

Nurse Pat stopped brushing my hair and asked me some questions, she asked.

“Carol, your daddy’s mommy and daddy are your grandparent’s too you know. What about you Carol, I thought you didn’t want to dress as a little girl?”

I giggled because she asks some funny questions as if she really didn’t understand what I had just said. I answered her by saying.

“Nurse Pat, I didn’t know I was an IT then, GEEZE! That makes all the difference in the world you know. An IT can be either and it’s okay. Um, my daddy’s mommy and daddy don’t like me to call them grandpa and grandma. I have to call them Mr. and Mrs. Whitney. I can call grandma ma’am, and grandpa sir, but never grandma or grandpa, they made me promise them, and you can never break a promise! They take me shopping sometimes, Mrs. Whitney takes me on what she calls panty-shopping trips, and Mr. Whitney takes me to Mrs. Spencer’s dress shop and leaves me with her for an hour or two.

“Mrs. Spencer makes me try on all these dresses and poofy short slips that show my frilly panties Mrs. Whitney bought me. I can’t bend over or even lift my arms a little bit or my panties will show. Mrs. Spencer and Mrs. Whitney say they’re supposed to do that. Little girls like to show off their frillies. I tried to tell them I’m not a little girl, but Mrs. Whitney told me that even sissies like to show off their frillies. I don’t know what a sissy is, but they always call me Missy and not Carol or Angel.

“They’ll be happy now that I’m an IT. I can wear those dresses and frilly panties without feeling bad. I always felt bad wearing them and mommy only made me wear them when we went to the Whitney’s house with daddy. Mommy never goes because she’s real mad at them. Now mommy can go because I can wear them and it won’t make me feel bad anymore.

“See Nurse Pat, if I dress as a baby girl, everyone will be happy! I just have to dress as a boy at grandma and grandpa’s house or they might get mad. We go there every Thanksgiving and meet all of mommy’s brothers and sister’s and their kids. Their kids are my cousins.

“Maybe if I have mommy talk to them I can wear dresses over there and her sisters and brothers and even my cousins will like me better. They’re always saying I’m too pretty to be a boy and should be wearing pretty clothes not boys clothes. I used to get mad and just stay all by myself away from everybody, but if I wore dresses, then I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.”

I started thinking, I looked up, and Nurse Pat was crying again, GEEZE! What did I say this time? I said.

“Nurse Pat, why are you crying? Did I make you sad again? I’m sorry, I can’t do anything right or make anyone happy. I think it’s because I’m an IT, and that’s all an IT can do. I would be better off just dying you know Nurse Pat. Could you help me die and go to the kid’s dump so Elohim can make a good kid out of my ashes? I’m useless anyway, you know. I just make people sad or mad, no matter what I say or do.

“I can do stuff so they can be happy and smile for a little while, but then they always get mad or sad after that. I try so hard at home to do extra stuff to help, but Dianna and Jimmy don’t care. I clean their rooms for them so they can go out and play, and they do, but Dianna usually just yells at me for going in her room. Jimmy just tells me when he needs his room clean and that’s usually after mommy has hollered at him.

“Patty is the only one that likes me at home, well, mommy does too. I like helping them because they are happy and stay happy, but everyone else doesn’t. I tried to help daddy, but that didn’t work out very well. He came home from his bowling league and was hopping mad!

“You see Nurse Pat, I had cleaned his bowling bag, polished his bowling ball and his bowling shoes. He was surprised and happy at first, but when he came home, I heard him tell mommy that I had jinxed him. He said he had the shiniest bowling bag, ball, and shoes, but he stunk bowling that night. He said it was my fault for touching his stuff. I was nothing but bad luck all around.

“Mommy got real mad and that made him apologize, but the next morning he made me promise never to touch anything he owned again or I’d get a spanking. I can’t do anything right for them three Nurse Pat, I try so hard, but it never works making them happy. They get mad over anything I do for them, so I can’t, but I still try.”

I look up and she’s still crying, GEEZE! She says, after taking a drink or water.

“Sweetheart, I think they get mad because you have something they don’t have and it makes them jealous. What that is, is a pure and giving heart? Some people just like to think of themselves, what they want. They don’t think about what others need or want. If they do, they also think about what they can get in return for what they do for others. You don’t think like that at all Angel.”

I giggled because this is the first time she called me Angel. She looked at me kind off surprised so I said.

“Nurse Pat, I giggled because you called me Angel. That always makes me giggle you know. I can’t be an Angel; angel’s live in Heaven with Elohim. I can’t go to Heaven because I’m broked, useless and can’t be fixeded. I don’t have a soul but I do have a heart. I’m glad now that I know I’m an IT. I can make others happy now and don’t have to get mad anymore when I have to dress as a little girl or a baby girl.”

Nurse Pat smiles at me and says.

“Carol your sister Dianna was wrong and is wrong Sweetheart. God does love you and He wants you to go to Heaven and be with Him, just not yet. He has more He wants you to do for Him. That’s why He sent you back that time, not that you were broke and you aren’t useless Honey. You think about that for a minute or two okay Carol. I just have to make a call and I’ll be right back and we’ll talk some more. I love talking with you, my own little chatter box!”

She gave me a hug and a kiss! I felt good and I smiled real big then. She gave me a big hug as she wiped her tears away. I just don’t get why I make people cry so much. She’s wrong though, I know Elohim doesn’t want me. He sent me back twice now! That first time when I had cancer, and just a little while ago, GEEZE, was that today, yesterday or a few days ago?

Nurse Pat was whispering over the phone in my room, and I couldn’t make out what she was saying, I found out later, so I can fill you in now so it makes sense to you.

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Seven


by
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol decides to make everyone happy. Chris W.

Part 7

Nurse Pat was whispering over the phone in my room, and I couldn’t make out what she was saying, I found out later, so I can fill you in now so it makes sense to you...

“Cindy, its Pat, and I have to fill you in. You have your phone recorder on. Okay, I’ve just had the most revealing conversation with Carol and you have to hear this before you make any decisions on gender issues okay. No, I did what you asked and I recorded everything. I have the second recorder going now, but you have to hear this, but I’m in Carol’s room still. My relief won’t be coming for another few hours. Okay, I’ll wait until she gets here and then I’ll call you back from the nurse’s station and play it for you. Okay, yes I will Cindy, Bye.”

Nurse Pat came back, sat next to my bed again, and said.

“Carol, are you sure you want to dress and look even more like a little girl now?”

I giggled and said.

“I can’t look like a little girl while I’m in diapers and rubber pants Nurse Pat, GEEZE. I’ll look like a baby girl, but yes, it will make everyone happy and I’ll be glad then. My head and tummy don’t hurt when people are happy. They hurt all the time when people are mad or sad because of me.”

She looked surprised again and asked.

“Honey, does your tummy and head hurt now?”

I giggled and said.

“I’m used to it Nurse Pat, don’t worry. My head hurts all the time and my tummy too. I’m not supposed to say anything because I promised daddy I wouldn’t. Mommy always goes out and gets me baby aspirin that tastes good and you chew it. She gets me this stuff you drink for my tummy, but that tastes yucky. I always drink the yucky stuff before I chew the good tasting stuff. Daddy got mad at me because he said we couldn’t afford that stuff, so I don’t tell mommy about it anymore. Really, I’m used to it now. It’s just when it gets real bad and then I cry and mommy knows. I don’t know how she does that, but she knows, and goes and buys me that stuff again. I have to tell daddy I didn’t say anything, but I don’t think he believed me until mommy told him about it. He believes me now!”

I giggled again because she smiled with that funny look with scrunched up eyes grownups get when they’re thinking and smiling at the same time.

Another nurse walks in and Nurse Pat tells me she’ll be back in a little while, she has to take a little break, and she’ll come back with a surprise for me. She gives me a hug and another kiss! I giggle and she leaves after she introduces me to the new nurse, Nurse Holly.

Nurse Holly is a big nurse, I mean, big in she likes to eat big. She laughs and giggles a lot and she gets me giggling a lot too. She’s funny and has a million funny jokes. She told me this one, she said.

“Why does the wise old owl always ask you, who, who?”

I giggled and said.

“My owl doesn’t ask who, she says hello.”

Nurse Holly then looked at me surprised and asked.

“You have a pet owl Sweetie?”

I giggled again and said.

“No silly, owls aren’t pets; they’re wild and free birds! I have animal and bird friends that visit me and keep me company. There’s the robin, the cardinal, two blue jays, a raven, the owl that scares mommy, but I let her meet her and she isn’t as afraid of her now. Um, I have three squirrel friends, and Smoky the horse that lives across the street through the woods. They’re all my friends and they make me happy. I don’t have any kid friends, just my eldest sister and a few grown ups. Mommy of course, oh yeah, Auntie Harriett, Mrs. Cosgrove, and her daughter Samantha, Sister Anne and Father Kowalski, oh, and Mrs. Jenks, she’s so cool! I love to sing and that’s what she teaches, singing. I don’t see her anymore though.”

I start to cry thinking about Mrs. Jenks, I miss her lots, and lots because I do love to sing and the rotten kids and some of the girls in the choir’s parents spoiled that for me.

Nurse Holly surprised me by untying my wrists and my vest restraint, picked me up and set me on her lap, hugging me close and kissing the top of my head, as she said.

“Sweetie, Tell Holly what’s got you crying. I want to know, maybe we can fix it, and maybe not, but it always helps talking about things.”

She gave me a sip of water, dried my tears and then I said.

“My bestest, bestest thing I love to do is sing. I can sing real good, and I’m not fibbing, everyone says I sing like an angel sent from Heaven, but that’s just silly. I love to sing though and used to sing all the time, but then it made a bunch of people mad so I stopped singing so they could be happy again and I guess they are because they aren’t mad anymore.

I can sing in church and that’s all I can do with other people, but my animal and bird friends love to hear me sing to them and they sing back, even Smoky the horse. Mrs. Tingly, she owns Smoky laughs and laughs when Smoky tries to sing with me. He doesn’t sing very well, but he tries real hard! (Nurse Holly starts giggling here and that starts me giggling. We giggle for a while and then we stop so I can continue.)

“Mrs. Jenks was one of my bestest, bestest friends in the whole wide world until she had me sing the soloists part for the Christmas High Mass at church. It was late at night, midnight! I was dressed in a special choir gown and she even made my hair look pretty and even made me wear makeup! I didn’t like that too much because I thought I was a boy back then. (Nurse Holly gives me that scrunched up look and I know she’s thinking, and she wanted to say something or ask me something, but she didn’t so I continued.)

“Well, when I sing I sound like a girl I guess, that’s what all the kids say anyway. Mrs. Jenks always had me stand with the girls when we sang. This time I had to step out from them and stand right in front with this big light on me as I sang the special Christmas song and the others sang the chorus. That’s when Mrs. Leander got real mad, and on Christmas too! Well, her daughter Penelope, she always calls her that, but she likes to be called Penny. Anyway, Penelope is the girl soloist for the choir, but Mrs. Jenks wanted me to sing that special Christmas song because she said I sang with all my heart and everyone can feel it when I sing. Penelope sings real good, but she’s a stinker and lets everyone of us know she’s the best and we’d better not ruin any of her songs.

“Anyway, when I got to sing that song, they were both super mad! That was my most bestest night I’ve ever had singing too! I sang my silent prayer; I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and went to my special place in my heart. I joined with the music and started singing. It was so wonderful Nurse Holly! I opened my eyes and all the pretty colors were going everywhere, and the music was floating and I was part of it! I sang with all my heart to everyone in the whole wide world! I wanted them to feel the joy and happiness I was feeling through the song I was singing! When the song ended I started to step back, and everything was super quiet. Then, everyone started to stand and clap! Father Kowalski even said over the microphone that an angel was sent from Heaven to sing them the song of promise!

“Mrs. Jenks walked over to me before I could step back. I was startled by all those people standing and clapping and just stood there. She took my hand and made me walk right up and into that, big light again as the people stood and clapped. I was so embarrassed. Penelope was spitting mad! Her mommy was red as a fire truck, but because she was mad, and not because she was embarrassed like I was.

“Well, I got to step back in with the girls again and that’s when it happened. We were holding these long white and red candles. Penelope was walking down the row of girls lighting them because hers was all ready lit. When she got to me, she blew out her candle and then hit me right on the head with it as hard as she could. I got knocked out! I woke up at the hospital and needed stitches in my head. Daddy was hopping mad! Even at church, I ended up costing him money. Mommy was crying, Patty was crying, Mrs. Jenks was crying. My bestest ever singing time was ruined and no one was happy anymore.

“You see Nurse Holly; I had to stop singing right then and there. Penelope and her mommy got in a lot of trouble for a while after that, but Penelope is still the girl’s soloist for the choir. I had to stay a way from them so I quit the choir. Mrs. Jenks wasn’t happy about it, but she knew it was the best thing to do to keep everyone else happy. I haven’t sung a song for anyone ever since that night, just to my animal and bird friends. Oh yeah, I still sing my prayers, but real softly so I don’t bother anyone else. Oh yeah, I do make one person happy when I sing, and that’s because Smoky tries to sing with me and that makes Mrs. Tingly laugh and laugh!

“It’s not the same though, not like when I used to sing and be part of all the pretty colors and giving everything my heart and joy. It’s like I am part of everything Elohim has made and I feel like I am part of everything and I can give something good back to everything and everyone when I sing, but that’s not true. The people always get mad afterwards, it’s like I’m not a real kid at all, I’m a fake, I’m an IT. IT kids aren’t supposed to be in front or special, they’re supposed to stay in the back and out of the way.

“Nurse Holly, I’m not a girl and I’m not a boy, I’m an IT. Because I’m an IT I can be either a girl or a boy and I’ve decided to dress as a girl because that will make everyone happy. They don’t know I’m an IT, but they all think I’m a little girl when they meet me. When I tell them I’m a boy, they laugh or even get mad! My daddy made me promise never to say that again. I’m not to say I’m a boy. He’s right though, I’m an IT, he was right about that too, even though I didn’t know it until the nurses down stairs in that bad room I was in told me.”

I was softly crying again, I do so miss singing. My heart hurts whenever I think about that. Nurse Holly hugs me, kisses the top of my head again, and says.

“Carol you like to sing, but just not in front of people now. You know I would love to hear that song you sang at church for Christmas. Would you pretty please sing it for me?”

“Um, but I can’t sing it like I have to Nurse Holly. I’m in a hospital and you can’t talk or sing with your whole heart in a hospital. You have to be quiet!”

Nurse Holly chuckles and says.

“This is a special place in the hospital Carol. You can be as loud as you need to be and no one will get mad or tell you to be quiet. Please, pretty please, sing that song for me?”

To be continued…

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Eight
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol sings for Nurse Holly. “An Angel is reborn” Chris W.

Part 8

“This is a special place in the hospital Carol. You can be as loud as you need to be and no one will get mad or tell you to be quiet. Please, pretty please, sing that song for me?”

I said.

“Nurse Holly, I know this is a special place in the hospital. I haven’t been this happy in a long time! It’s not like that other bad place, with those mean nurses, and I had to stay in for so long. I was there for months and it was horrible! This is a very nice place, I thought it was a place for the crazy kids, but I was wrong. Everyone I’ve met here has been super nice and let me talk, and be myself! They really care, and I’d like to sing, but only if you’re sure and we won’t get in trouble. You wouldn’t fib to me would you Nurse Holly?”

She laughed, and laughed. Her belly jiggled and that jiggled me. I couldn’t help myself and I giggled and giggled as we both jiggled. She finely said out of breath.

“I would never lie to you Carol, you never lie to little angels, they could tell anyway. No, I wouldn’t lie to you ever Sweetie. Would you lie to me?”

“Oh no Nurse Holly, I don’t lie at all! It gets me in trouble sometimes, and telling the truth can hurt an awful lot, but I don’t lie. I did learn to not say anything though. Sometimes it’s best not to say anything. That way people don’t get mad or hurt, and you don’t have to lie. I just can’t lie Nurse Holly, it hurts my head and heart too much.”

She then said.

“Well then, let me hear that song okay Sweetie, pretty please, with a cherry on top and even some whip cream and chocolate sprinkles.”

I giggled again she’s so funny! I said.

“When you stop making me giggle Nurse Holly, I’ll sing the song, but it isn’t Christmas time.”

She said.

“I promise I’ll stop making you giggle, and I’ll even let you sit on your bed without the restraints tied. How’s that for a deal”

I said excitedly.

“Wow, that’s cool Nurse Holly! I’ll sing my bestest if I don’t have to be tied up.”

She set me down on my bed as she took her seat moving it very close to my bed. I sang my silent prayer, closed my eyes just before I start singing, took a deep breath, went inside to my special place in my heart, and started to sing. The pretty colors were there when I opened my eyes! I just knew this would be okay then! I sang.

“O little town of Bethlehem,
how still we see the lie!
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by;

Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light;
The hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

For Christ is born of Mary,
And gathered all above,
While mortals sleep. The angels keep
Their watch of wond’ring love.

O morning stars, together
Proclaim the holy birth,
And praises sing to God the King,
and peace to men on earth.

O holy Child of Bethlehem!
Descend to us, we pray.
Cast out our sin, and enter in,
Be born in us today!

We hear the Christmas angels,
The great glad tidings tell;
O come to us, abide with us,
Our Lord Immanuel!

I held on to Immanuel, singing it out in four long series of climbing notes until I used the last of my breath. It had felt so wonderful to sing again, so good, so fulfilling, the tears of happiness and joy just flowed out of me! I had felt it one more time, that very special feeling of giving from my heart to everyone and anyone. My whole body shook with joy, my eyes felt like they were on fire! Everything was alive; no matter what I looked at, I could see the life of love pulsing within it. I looked up at Nurse Holly and she too was crying, but I knew it was tears of happiness and joy. That happens when I sing; I just hoped and prayed it wouldn’t end up like all the other times I had sung. I would hang on to these feelings as long as possible though. I just don’t know when they will stop, or be stopped by others.

Nurse Holly lifted me up and hugged me to her giggling and twirling me around the room until we were both dizzy and giggling, and we had to sit down or fall down.

That’s when we heard the screaming! Some old woman down the hall started screaming and screaming and screaming! I just knew it would happen, it always does. My heart broke again and I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. I cried I couldn’t help it. I looked up at Nurse Holly and said.

“You see Nurse Holly, it always happens when I sing. I hurt someone and I don’t mean to. Some people just don’t like to feel happiness and joy that they haven’t asked for. I kind of force it on them when I sing. Most people like it, but some just can’t stand it, especially coming from an IT like me.”

It was then a nurse came running in my room and said.

“You’re not going to believe this Holly! That’s Mrs. Brooks! She’s hollering for the angel, the singing angel!”

Nurse Pat comes running in my room and just looks at me with a huge smile on her face and says.

“Oh Carol, that was beautiful, we all felt it, every one of us! Dr. Cindy was on the phone and she heard and felt it too. She’s on her way and wants to talk to you some more. Um, oh yeah, I brought you that surprise. Dr. Cindy said it would be nice, but only if you really meant what you said to me.”

I was a little confused and said.

“Um, what part do you mean Nurse Pat?”

She chuckled and said.

“The part about you dressing as a girl, and making everyone happy, you silly girl; did you mean it or not?”

I stopped crying and said.

“Of course I meant it, it would be better for everyone including me I think. I am an IT and its okay for an IT to dress either way.”

She said.

“Good, because Holly and I are going to transform you into the little angel you are.”

She and Nurse Holly chuckled and they were so excited and animated I started giggling. I was attacked by them both, as I was bathed and my hair washed, conditioned and rinsed twice each time! My hair was snipped with scissors, and then rolled in curlers!

I was covered with diaper rash cream, and that was smoothed out and made thinner with baby oil until it was in every crook and cranny of my bottom and front! I was pinned into fresh diapers and pinned snuggly into them. Nurse Pat said.

“Look what we found for our little angel.”

She pulled a pair of rubber pants out of the bag and I started giggling as they both laughed. They are bright pink diaper panties and have little angels printed all over them, little angels with wings and halos, and all wearing bright white diapers! Nurse Holly slipped them up my legs and then held me in the air as Nurse Pat pulled them over my thickly padded diapered bum. She tucked the panties under the legs and waist of the diapers. I think we were laughing and giggling so much that that was what brought a few other nurses to see what was going on. Soon, I had four nurses helping turn me into a little baby girl angel. Now here were Nurses Pat and Holly, with Nurses Beth and Karen, giggling, and laughing right along with us.

I had a pretty-soft pink nightie, with white ruffled ribbon lace for the trim and a beautiful white satin bow with a pink flower in the middle on a sash tied around my chest, just below where a girl would grow boobies. The sash shortened the nightie just enough to show the very bottom of my bright pink diaper panties with the little baby angels printed all over it. They slipped matching slippers on my feet and then put my head under a bonnet and hooked it up to a portable hair dryer.

Nurse Pat took a bottle of shiny soft pink colored stuff out of the bag and had me lay my hands flat on the over bed table. I soon had shiny soft pink fingernails! I giggled and they all laughed. This was fun, and we were having fun. We were talking about my singing, they were saying how beautiful it was, and that it made them so happy that they even cried. I said.

“Not everyone was happy; some woman was screaming her head off. She sure didn’t sound happy to me.”

I was depressed and it wasn’t fair to the nurses because they were all working so hard to make me happy, so I shook it off and smiled.

Just then, Dr. Cindy walked in all smiles and greeted everyone. She saw me and chuckled seeing me hooked up to the hair dryer wearing that silly bonnet. I giggled and said.

“I’m an IT, and an IT can dress as a girl or a boy, so I can make everyone happy dressing as a girl. It’s a lot of fun too, if you have nice people helping you.”

I got a few hugs and kisses after I said that and we started again on a giggle and laughing fit. Dr. Cindy joined in as she asked about my toenails. She ended up painting those too! When she finished, and they were dry she said she had to check them to make sure she stayed in the lines. That’s when she tickled my feet and sent me right over the edge as I giggled and giggled, and flopped around like a fish out of water!

The next thing we heard was that woman screaming again! Nurse Karen said.

“Dr. Cindy, guess who that is?”

Dr. Cindy guessed two different names before she gave up and Karen said.

“It’s Mrs. Brooks!”

Dr. Cindy flew out of my room with Nurse Karen and Beth right behind her. Nurse Pat and Holly both started laughing. I just looked at them as if they were crazy! I mean who would laugh about someone screaming there head off. They saw my expression and they started laughing even harder, GEEZE!

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Nine
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol spreads his love and joy with his singing. Carol is also learning to accept “HER” feelings. Is this a sign of good things to come? You decide! Chris W.

Part 9

Dr. Cindy flew out of my room with Nurse Karen and Beth right behind her. Nurse Pat and Holly both started laughing. I just looked at them as if they were crazy! I mean who would laugh about someone screaming there head off. They saw my expression and they started laughing even harder, GEEZE!

The bonnet was removed and Nurse Pat did the honors of fixing my hair. She even tied it up in the back in a high ponytail so I could lay my head back on the pillow without it squishing the ponytail. She said it would be more comfortable that way. Nurse Holly washed my face again and rubbed my cheeks making them glow a bit pinkish. They showed me a mirror and I gasped! I had a pink and white ruffled lace Scrunchie in my now curly hair holding the ponytail, my cheeks were nice and pink, and I looked just like a pretty-baby girl all right! I giggled, they laughed, and Nurse Pat took something out of her pocket and gave it to me. It was in a little pink box and I opened it. Inside there was a layer of cotton and I pulled that out and saw a pretty-gold necklace with a little angel charm. It’s so pretty! I gave her a hug and a kiss and Nurse Holly fastened it on for me. It looked so pretty in the mirror; I started sniffling I was so happy! Nurse Holly said.

“Now, now, Little Angel none of that sniffling, I just washed your face free of tears!”

I gave her a hug and a kiss and said.

“You’ve both made me so happy, thank you so much!”

Dr. Cindy came back into the room shaking her head and said.

“I never really believed in miracles before, but this is just too much for me to explain away. Mrs. Brooks hasn’t said a word in over a year, and she’s gone from being catatonic to a violent angry woman. Now she’s screaming for the angel she swears visited her in her dreams and she convinced the angel is here because she heard her singing. I’m afraid she threatening violence unless we can produce the angel. I just don’t know what to do. I could sedate her, but she’s speaking for the first time and is drinking water and juice on her own. I don’t want to sedate her and ruin any chance of communicating.”

Nurse Holly said.

“Could it be Carol she’s talking about Cindy? She sang her Christmas song, and that’s the only song to be sung around here in a very long time.”

Dr. Cindy thought for a minute and said she’d be back in a few.

Before she left though, she got summoned to the nurse’s desk to take a phone call. I didn’t know it, but my daddy and my sister Dianna were waiting in her office. She told her receptionist to keep them waiting, should be there as soon as she could, but she had an emergency to handle first.

Nurse Holly had me tell Nurse Pat about Smoky, my singing horse friend. We were giggling and laughing again when Dr. Cindy returned. She sat on my bed with a serious face and said.

“Carol it was your singing and your song Mrs. Brooks heard. If I promise to keep you safe, would you just peek in on her? It could help her a lot; she’s been needing help for a long time, but wouldn’t let anyone help her before today.”

I thought for a minute, that woman’s screams are scary you know! Then I thought, if I could help just by peeking in at her and help make a sad and angry woman get help she needed, I’d do it. I said.

“Yupper Dr. Cindy I’ll do it.”

For the first time in a very long time, my wrists and chest were completely free of restraints! This is a good thing! I had to ride in a wheelchair as I got closer and closer to the room where the screams were coming from. As I got closer, I heard.

“Angel, I’m in here Angel! They have me tied up and I can’t leave to find you! Angel, Angel, Angel, I’m in here Angel! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me all alone again!”

OH GEEZE, this was creepy and scary! I thought hard about how to stop her screaming until I could peek in her room and I said to Dr. Cindy and the nurses that came with us.

“Um, do you think I could start singing a song before you opened the door? I mean maybe she’ll stop screaming and listen until I can let her see me.”

Dr. Cindy and the nurses agreed with me! I was stunned, no one ever agrees with me. This is a cool place in the hospital to be!

I remembered a song adapted from a prayer from long ago. It gave me a purpose and a direction when Sister Anne taught it to me years ago while I lay in the hospital dying of cancer. It was a song I have loved and had forgotten. Now I remembered it word for word and soon, began singing it.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred. Let me sow love,
where there is injury, pardon,
where there is doubt, faith,
where there is despair, hope,
where there is darkness, light,
where there is sadness, joy.

O Devine Master, grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
not so much to be understood as to understand,
not so much to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying that we awake to eternal life.

I didn’t even realize it at first, but when I noticed where I was, I was standing right in front of the bed of Mrs. Brooks. Dr. Cindy was standing next to me and all three of us were smiling. I don’t know why I did it, but I just did. I walked around the bed and held Mrs. Brooks hand that was restrained at the wrist. I said.

“Hello Mrs. Brooks, my name is Carol. It was me you heard singing and not your angel. I’m sorry I’m not your angel, but I’m sure your angel is here right now. Can’t you feel her? I can! I know she’s here!”

Mrs. Brooks was smiling and she looked so happy, but it was the way she was smiling at me, that was sort of giving me the creeps. Her smile was so intense and her feelings were pouring out of her and into me! I could feel them, so I tried to push them back, but couldn’t so I tried giving her my feelings and I could do that! We both stayed like that for a few minutes just smiling and sharing each other without words, just holding one hand and giving of each other to each other. It was strange, but filled with wonderful and sad feelings. She was a very sad and angry woman, but as we held that one hand and shared each other, giving and receiving her feelings started to change from angry to just sad, from sad to happy and then we both felt the same joy and happiness I get from singing! I knew it was over and now she lent as close to me as she could, I kissed her cheek, and said.

“Mrs. Brooks, thank you for sharing with me. It’s the first time this has ever happened, but it was wonderful! I hope you’re not angry or sad anymore. Your angel is here can’t you feel her? I know she’s here. I have to go now, but I know you won’t be alone anymore. I know what being alone feels like. It’s a very sad feeling, but we’re not alone anymore Mrs. Brooks! We’ll never be all alone ever again!”

Dr. Cindy and I started walking out as Mrs. Brooks said.

“Thank you little angel, you can go back to Heaven now. I’ll be fine.”

She gave me a big smile and wiggled her fingers goodbye; her restrained wrist wouldn’t let her wave. I giggled and wiggled my fingers at her, and we left.

Dr. Cindy just looked at me and said.

“Okay Carol, out with it, were you two whispering or really just holding hands?”

I said.

“It was neat Dr. Carol, I held her hand, and then she held it back and we sort of shared feelings. I mean I felt her angry and then sad feelings first and tried to push them back, but I couldn’t. I figured that I should share my feelings with her as I do when I sing. I did that and we sort of shared each others feelings like that until her feeling matched my feelings and we both knew it was done. That’s it, very simple really, don’t you think?”

She just looked at me with such an expression I just had to giggle; she looked so funny that way! I sat in the wheelchair waved my hand, pointed towards my room, and said.

“Home James!”

“Nurse Beth laughed and tickled me saying.

“You little smarty you!”

We laughed and giggled all the way back to my room. I was so happy, I’ve never been this happy before, never ever, and ever never!

Dr. Cindy asked all the nurses besides Nurse Pat to leave us for a few minutes; we had to have a private chat. They left, but not before, I got hugs, kisses, and even a tickle from Nurse Beth. They left chuckling and laughing, I was giggling, but then stopped as I looked at Dr. Cindy. She smiled and said.

“All right young lady, let me understand these big shifts of thought you’ve been having.”

We talked for about thirty-minutes, and then Dr. Cindy had to leave. Before she left though, she said something that made me very happy! She said.

“You can leave the restraints off Pat, our little angel is out of danger for now, but watch her close! She’s all ready proven she can fool people with her smile and high tolerance for pain.”

For the first time in my life, I liked hearing people calling me her and she. I was dressed as a baby girl, but I actually loved it! I felt whole somehow, like I belonged and didn’t have to battle with my identity every day. I wondered how long it would be before I could wear a pair of panties and not these diapers and rubber diaper panties. I looked at Nurse Pat and asked her.

“If I don’t need the restraints anymore, how soon do you think I can have a pair of big girl panties instead of wearing these baby diapers Nurse Pat?”

She chuckled and said.

“That all depends on Dr. Cindy and how well you convince all of us you won’t try and die on us again Carol.”

Um, that statement made me stop and think a bit, she saw me lie back and my facial expressions changed to those of a child in deep thought. I guess when a little kid starts thinking deeply; they look a bit comical to the adults. She couldn’t help but laugh at my expressions as I lie there thinking. She sobered up quickly when I gave her the ‘look’ that told her I was doing some serious thinking and it wasn’t a laughing matter. Nurse Pat apologized, but said.

“I’m sorry Angel, but you were making some funny faces as you were thinking. I know what you are thinking about is no laughing matter. I apologize, Sweetie.”

To Be Continued...

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Ten
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. We get a glimpse of Carol’s past and a new hope for her future! Chris W.

Part 10

“I’m sorry Angel, but you were making some funny faces as you were thinking. I know what you are thinking about is no laughing matter. I apologize, Sweetie.”

I leaned over and gave her a hug and a kiss, but soon resumed thinking. It was true that I did want to die, but do I still want to die now? Everything is so different in this part of the hospital. They treat me as if I’m really worth keeping alive. I was able to help somebody today and I was able to sing twice without it turning bad on me. At first, I thought Mrs. Brooks hated my singing, but I was wrong! She thought I was a real angel though, and that thought started me giggling again.

This time, it was Nurse Pat, that gave me the funny look and I started giggling even more until she just joined me and laughed.

She did ask me after we calmed down what was so funny and I said.

“Mrs. Brooks, she thinks I’m a real angel, as Dr. Cindy and I were leaving Mrs. Brooks said to me.

‘Thank you little angel, you can go back to Heaven now. I’ll be fine.’

“Geeze Nurse Pat, I don’t want to her to think I’m a real angel, she has an angel of her own right there in the room with her. I know I could feel her angel in there with us. I hope her angel doesn’t get mad at me.”

Now Nurse Pat just stared at me for more than a few seconds and I was getting nervous, but then she smiled and said.

“The way I see it Carol, is her angel will be very happy with you not mad. You helped Mrs. Brooks, where her angel couldn’t. Now Mrs. Brooks will be more aware of her angel I think, and it’s because you care so much about others more than you care about yourself.”

I said.

“Yeah, well, I’m an IT, and I don’t have a soul, but I do have a heart! Everyone has a heart, but most everybody else has a soul. If I had a soul, I could go to Heaven, but since I don’t I can’t get to Heaven. I can’t be an angel either, because angels are sent from heaven by God. I was born as a mistake and shouldn’t even be here. That means God didn’t send me and that means I’m a useless IT, but I know I’m not as useless as my daddy, Dianna, and Jimmy think I am. I can help people even though I am an IT without a soul. I have my heart and my heart works better than a lot of peoples do!”

Nurse Pat thought to herself.

‘I’m glad Dr. Cindy gave me those tape recorders! No one would believe the conversations I’m having with this five-year old! My God, she’s more aware of things fifty-year olds are blind too! This little imp has a heart of gold, sings like an angel that moves your soul, has an insight to life that is just now being awakened in a positive way, and she’s just blowing my mind with her simplistic truths of life! From wanting to die and almost succeeding with a smile on her face, to embracing being a baby girl because it would make more people happy, and if it made more people happy, she could be happy. I’m going nuts! That’s it, I need to talk to Dr. Cindy before I just steal this child and keep her for myself. I can’t believe her father and her siblings hate her so. Why for God’s sake, how could you hate a child such as this? I’d gladly go into debt up to my eyeballs if I had a child like Carol. I have to talk to Cindy, this child is ripping my heart out, she’s suffered far too much, and she’s only five-years old! I just want to hold her to me and protect her from anything that could hurt her anymore.’

I look over to Nurse Pat as I’m done thinking, and see she has tears and is quietly sobbing. I say.

“Nurse Pat, don’t cry, everything is real nice now. I don’t want to die anymore. I really have things I can do to help others now! You know that song I sang on the way to see Mrs. Brooks?”

Nurse Pat smiles at me and says.

“Yes Little Angel, I’ve never heard that prayer sung before and it was really beautiful, but I know the prayer well. It’s a popular one, but not many people follow what it teaches them.”

I continued by saying.

“Well, Sister Anne taught me that song and prayer while I was in the hospital the first time, and it was worse than this time, even in the bad place here! I had needles stuck in me everywhere, both arms, both legs, a tube up my nose and in my tummy; I even had one going in my bottom and front! I peed and pooped through tubes! I ate and drank through tubes. I got everything I needed through tubes and needles! I hurt real bad all the time, and when they gave me stuff to take the pain away, I always fell asleep for days, or it just didn’t work.

“They gave me stuff they called hormones because it helped me absorb the medicines and I had little boobies when I was three and four years old! I had boobies right up until a few months ago when they finally went away. That’s why my nipples are so big now, bigger than the boys and bigger than most of the girls my age. Dianna, my sister, makes fun of them all the time. She says I’m a freak because my nipples are bigger than hers are and she’s a real girl. Patty, my other sister, she’s the nice one and my bestest sister, she just laughs at Dianna. I know my nipples are bigger than hers are because she never wears a bra if she can get away with it. My mommy even made her walk around the house without a shirt on one day until Dianna agreed to wear a bra everyday. My brother Jimmy made fun of her and that’s the only reason she wore the bra. She wants to be a boy and hates her boobies.

“Well anyway, Sister Anne taught me that song when I just wanted to give up. She used to visit me everyday, and we’d sing and learn prayers and she taught me my numbers and letters before any of the other kids my age knew them! I love Sister Anne, bunches, and bunches, oodles, and scoodles even! Mommy says, that means you love a person lots and lots. Anyway, part of this story I promised my mommy and Father Kowalski I’d keep a secret so I can’t tell you about my special angel, but I can ask them if I can tell you someday.

“Well, Sister Anne saw that I was real sick and I saw the doctors shaking there heads when they looked my way and were talking to her, Father Kowalski and my mommy. They were the only ones to visit me ever. Daddy never came to visit me; nobody ever came to visit me. I was feeling so tired and I hurt so bad I did just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up anymore. I wanted to stay with Jesus and his family in Heaven that was before I knew I couldn’t go to Heaven. Sister Anne taught me that song and prayer, and you know what Nurse Pat?”

She had tears in her eyes again, but she was smiling at me so I think they are happy tears, she said.

“What Sweetheart?”

“As we sang that song, my pain went away and I felt so good I was happy! I told Sister Anne about it afterwards and everyday after that we sang that song. I got stronger, they took a lot of those tubes out, and I was able to just wear diapers for a while instead of those nasty tubes that hurt and even made me get sick with infections. An old woman, older than my grandma and Mrs. Whitney heard me sing and she was giving up just as I was before. Nobody visited her either and she was so lonely. I know how that felt, and a few nurses asked me to sing a song for her. She was so nice and it felt good to sit on her bed with her and cuddle. I miss the cuddles. I never got many of them, so I really like it when I get to cuddle. It feels so good don’t you think Nurse Pat? Do you like to cuddle sometimes?”

Geeze, she’s still got tears in her eyes, but she’s smiling and tells me she loves to cuddle as she scoops me up in her arms and puts me on her lap. She does like to cuddle and I’m really happy now. We sit there and cuddle and she just lets me talk on and on and never tells me to shut up or be quiet.

“Anyway, after a while even the special song wasn’t helping much and everyone was doing that shake their heads thing towards me. I knew I was going to die then because some of the nurses that liked me lots and lots were crying all the time when they were taking care of me. I knew I was going to die soon when Sister Anne helped me sing a song, the Our Father prayer, I know you know that one Nurse Pat, everyone knows that prayer. Do you know the song though? Well Sister Anne taught me that prayer song and we were singing it and I just fell back on the bed. I didn’t have any more breath and I saw this bright light and, and heard the most wonderful singing I ever heards! Then the light dimmed a lot and the singing got real soft so I had to really concentrate hards to keep seeing and hearing the light and singing. Mommy, Father Kowalski, Sister Anne, some of the nurses and even the doctors were there all around in my room. I knew I was going to die when my daddy showed up. You know it was funny; he was the only one happy for me that I was going to get to heavens! Everyone else was crying and hugging each other. Mommy and Sister Anne stayed with me and made sure I was real comfortable all the time. They prayed and prayed with Father Kowalski. Daddy didn’t though, I could hear the others praying, but I never heard my daddy pray that time.

“Anyway, the light and music was getting brighter and louder again, and…oops, I’m sorry I can’t tell you that part, but maybe if we ask Father Kowalski and my mommy together I can! Anyway, I found out that God didn’t want me then and He sent me back. Everyone was gone and it was real dark when I woke up! I wasn’t hooked to any machines and there was no needles sticking in me either. The only thing was I was naked, not even a diaper or nothin! I sat up, I heard screaming, and it was some nurses that were saying goodbye to me. They really scared me and made me cry. I was on this cold metal bed with no mattress in a hallway somewhere and then the lights came on and a bunch of nurses and doctors came at me all shouting and scaring me even more. One of the nurses jumped up on the wheelie bed and pushed me down and put this mask on my face that forced air into my mouth and nose, it hurt! They wheeled me into this room with a bright light just like the one they took me to in this hospital. I remember two doctors arguing over me and one said.

“No way George, not after over two hours it can’t happen!”

The other doctor, George said.

“Well, here we have a dilemma, what do we write in the report? We both signed the death certificate!”

“The nurses around me were laughing at them, and now I was getting kissed and hugged a zillion times. I was happy and then I went to a private room and a lot of people came to visit me then, too many people. Everybody was happy, but when my daddy came in to visit, he wasn’t happy at all. You see Nurse Pat, I had cost my daddy way to much money and I was costing him more money by being in the hospital still. That’s how come my family doesn’t have any nice things, because of me! Because I was sick and it costed them lots and lots of money they couldn’t afford to spends.

“Now look, I’m in the hospital again and daddy is going to be so mad at me! It’s all my fault too, I tried to help my sisters and brother because they were sick and mommy was out hanging clothes on the clothesline to dry. They needed some stuff to drink so I got their glasses and went downstairs to get them some cold water. That’s when mommy caught me and made me go right to bed. She kept taking my temperature in my bottom! Well, I started feeling real bad and the next thing I know, I’m tied in the bed with tubes and needles and all that just like the first time. What made it worse this time was I was tied down, and couldn’t move. I had to poop and pee on myself even though I could’ve used the urinal and bedpan if the nurses would have helped me, but it was easier for them to keep me in diapers.

“Nurse Pat, it was awful down there in that isolation room! No one would listen to me and I couldn’t use the bell next to my bed because I was tied up. I couldn’t holler out when I was lonely or scared because they would holler at me for making to much noise. All I could do was lie there and listen to the clock ticking. I couldn’t sing because it would be too noisy and they’d holler at me again. I got sick to my stomach and I wanted to holler for help, but I threw up and choked on it. I was having a hard time breathing by then and I thought it would be cool to just stop breathing. A nurse looked through that window they have behind the nurse’s station and saw me though. She pressed a button on the wall when she came into my room and then all sorts of people showed up. It was horrible Nurse Pat, she put this vacuum thing down my throat, and I could taste blood in my mouth when she was doing that, then the doctors put a bigger tube down my throat and hookeded me to this breathing machine and that hurt real bad too.

“I watched them cut into my tummy and put in that tube I pulled out myself later. I did that because even my mommy was mad at me. If my mommy is mad at me, then I never want to go home. Patty would be the only one to love me there and she’d get picked on by everyone then. I thought it bestest if I just made everyone happy and just died and went to the kids dump.

“Then I got up here somehow and everyone’s so nice I just want to stay here, but I do have to go back home and back to school again. I like school, but the kids don’t like me. I like to be home, but daddy, Dianna, and Jimmy hate me. Mommy is mad at me for making a fuss about being in girl’s stuff downstairs in that room, but I don’t think she that mad at me anymore. Patty still loves me, but she’s my bestest, bestest sister, and I Loves her tons and tons.

“Nurse Pat, I think it will be better this time because I’m going to be happy to wear girl’s things. Nobody can tease me about it because I’m an IT and IT kids can wear anything they want, boys or girls stuff. I look like a girl so girls stuff would be better for me to wear and a lot of people will be happier with me wearing girl’s dresses and frilly things.

“Nurse Pat is it okay if I take a nap. I’m really tired now.”

Nurse Pat smiled, chuckled, and put me back to bed, but I gave her a hug and a kiss thanking her for the nice cuddle. I needed that! It didn’t take long and I was sleeping. It was a different story for Daddy and Dianna at Dr. Cindy’s office!

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Eleven
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Carol is at peace with herself, ‘for now’. But things are happening with the rest of the family.
Chris W.

Part 11

Nurse Pat smiled, chuckled, and put me back to bed, but I gave her a hug and a kiss thanking her for the nice cuddle. I needed that! It didn’t take long and I was sleeping. It was a different story for Daddy and Dianna at Dr. Cindy’s office!

Daddy was real mad now, and Champ was just as mad as daddy was. They had been sitting in that office for over an hour and the receptionist told them they had to stay because the doctor said she’d be right there once her emergency was over. It was daddy’s Sunday too, and he was missing his bowling league. Champ was mad too because her boobies were bothering her. Mommy handed her one of the shirts daddy bought her and no undershirt. The shirt is scratchy and now her nipples were getting sore. Of course, she and daddy blamed it all on me.

Dr. Cindy walked in, saw them both and there mad expressions. She said.

“I can see you both are mad, I can help you make this very short if you wish. I’ll just put the papers forward for Carol’s seizure from your care and he’ll be a ward of the state.”

My daddy knew that would end any chance of keeping his family together, so he said.

“No Doctor, that won’t do at all. We are here to have the talk you demanded and here we are. Please it’s just that we have been waiting so long and we too have other things we should be doing.”

Dr. Cindy smiled and asked Dianna to come into the office first. My daddy got very nervous and he prayed Champ remembered what he had told her to say.

Dianna was very nervous as she sat down in the chair right in front of Dr. Cindy’s desk. Dr. Cindy didn’t waste any time as she looked Dianna right in the eyes and said.

“So what should I call you, Dianna, Champ, or Dee?”

Dianna, being full of her self as usual whenever she thinks she can says.

“I prefer Champ Doctor.”

“You can call me Dr. Cindy, Champ. You want Carol to die don’t you Champ?”

Dianna was thrown for a loop with that question and had to think for a minute, but then said.

“No, not really, he’s my little brother. We might not get along, but I just wish he’d stay healthy long enough so daddy could pay off all the bills Carol racks up. It isn’t fair to my daddy that he can’t get us the stuff he wants to. He works sixteen hours a day, five days a week and he still can’ afford to get any of us the things we need.”

Dr. Cindy smiled and then said.

“Champ, do you want to be a boy?”

Dianna blushed and then said.

“No, but I don’t want to be one of those sissy frilly girls my mom wants me to be. She makes me wear a bra all the time and I don’t have to yet. I like to do what the boys get to do all the time. Girls end up in the house doing everything and the boys just do a few things and get to play. I don’t want to be in the house cleaning and dusting, doing all the laundry, cooking, and then washing all the dishes. It isn’t fair and I won’t do it if I don’t have too!”

“Okay Champ, you don’t want to be a boy, but you want to do everything the boys do, and none of the things girls do, is that right?”

“Yeah, Carol is more of girl than I am and I’m a real girl. He can do the girls things I would have to do and I can do the boys thing he can’t do. I think that’s fair.”

“Tell me what Carol does for you, and what you do for Carol in return Champ.”

“He helps my mom and sister clean the house, you know, dusting, polishing the small stuff, folding the clean clothes, he helps peel vegetables, shine shoes, sweep and mop the floors, and he’s great at getting into the small areas and doing the stuff mom and Patty have to bend over a lot to do.

“Carol is kind’a small so he can’t do the stuff I do for him yet. I help my brother Jimmy and my daddy do all the outside stuff, empty the garbage, paint the house, work on the car, wash and wax the car, trim the hedges, shovel the snow in winter, a lot of times I help my daddy do stuff Carol just couldn’t help him with. Why should I do all that and help inside the house too?”

“Okay Champ, but if Carol did die, what do you think would happen then?”

This started Dianna thinking a lot deeper than she ever did before on that subject. She just hated me because she couldn’t have nice things or go to the Boston Red Sox games as daddy had told he would take her too, but couldn’t afford it while paying all ‘my’ bills. It surprised her how much my dying would really affect her life. She turned as red as a fire truck once she realized what it would really mean to her if I were gone. She said.

“Oh my goodness, it would be horrible for me if Carol died or if he were taken away! I would have to do all the stuff he does and even more. I’d have to wear dresses more, my bra all the time, and I wouldn’t be able to be with daddy much anymore. Please doctor Cindy, don’t take Carol away from us. Um, I promise I’ll treat him a lot better from now on! I won’t be mean to him any more or make fun of him at school. I’ll stop the other girls and boys from teasing and picking on him at school. It’s my fault a lot of them do and Jimmy thinks he’s just a little sissy.”

“Champ what if I was to tell you that Carol has decided to be a girl all the time instead of trying to be a boy. In his case, Carol can be either a boy or girl because he’s more in between than one or the other. Could you help Carol as a little sister or would you make her life miserable?”

“Really, Carol a girl that would make things a lot better Dr. Cindy. He looks like a little girl; he acts like a little girl. He’s pretty, prettier than I am, even his nipples are bigger than mine are, and I’m older than he is. He used to have breasts, and I was jealous. Here he was at four-years old with pretty breasts and all I had was puffy nipples that hurt and stayed sore like they are now. I used to be the youngest girl in the family to develop, but then Carol came back from the hospital looking like a pretty baby girl with breasts. I was mad and didn’t want breasts anymore; I just wanted to be the boy Carol wasn’t.

“He got all the attention from mom and Patty. Jimmy was the only one and daddy to pay me any attention at all. Mom always bossed me around and tried to make do all the girls stuff she and Patty didn’t want to do. She tried to make me wear dresses and frilly things all the time. You know, she and Patty change like twice a day! That’s a lot of laundry to do and they don’t have to change that much. Carol looks pretty in his girl clothes and even prettier in the dresses and frillies. He looks like a doofus dressed as a little boy with short hair.

“You know what Dr, Cindy? Nobody believes Carol is really a boy anyway, they all think he’s a little girl wanting to be a boy like me, but I’m much better at it than he is. He’s just too pretty.”

“Okay Champ, I think I understand. One thing though, if you don’t want to wear bras, you’re at least going to have to wear something soft under your shirts. I noticed you fidgeting and pulling your shirt away from your chest. Once your breasts develop a little more, you’re just going to have to wear a bra. You know your shape is changing, soon your bottom and hips are going to fill out more, your waist will be thinner, and all the boys are going to be stronger than you are. Once you get into puberty, your periods will start, and there will be no going back. You can’t stop developing Champ. It’s easy for you now, but in a year or two, it will be a lot more difficult for you to blend in with the boys.”

“I know Dr. Cindy; the boys are all ready saying things and trying to get me to take my shirt off. Just last Saturday we all went to swim at the swimming hole and they stripped naked right in front of me. They said if I wanted to be a boy, I’d have to do the same. Jimmy made them leave me alone. He didn’t get naked like they did and we walked home. Um, I don’t really want to be a boy Dr. Cindy. I just don’t want to be a frilly girl and have to do all the housework. I like working outside and doing the work boys do better.”

“Okay, thank you for talking to me Champ, if you promise to treat Carol as your little sister and love her, support her, and help her, I might let her come home with your family. If I ever hear of you mistreating her, picking on her, or any negative thing, I’ll take her away from your family so fast; you’ll find yourself in bras and frilly poofy dresses in a heartbeat! Do you understand me Dianna?”

“Yes Ma’am, I understand and I promise. I think Carol will make a much better little sister than a little brother.”

“Okay then I want you to ask my receptionist, her name is Cheryl, to come in for a second and when she comes out of my office you go with her, all right Dianna?”

“Yes Ma’am, I will.”

Dianna left when Dr. Cindy motioned for her to leave. Cheryl came in a few seconds later. Dr. Cindy opened one of her cabinets and pulled out an ivory colored silk chemise still wrapped. She said.

“Cheryl, take Dianna into the bathroom and have her put this on. The poor girl is suffering wearing just that scratchy shirt over her breasts.”

Cheryl chuckled and said.

“Cindy, this chemise must have cost you a bundle! This is real silk, isn’t it?”

Dr. Cindy chuckled and said.

“Cheryl, her family passes everything down. She gets her older sisters things mostly, and Carol gets what is still serviceable. I doubt she even has a proper fitting bra. She should at least find out that some of the girls clothing she shuns can feel nice.”

They both laughed and soon Dianna was in rapture as she wore the chemise under her shirt. Cheryl noted how red and sore Dianna’s nipples looked. She even put a little amount of lotion on them for Dianna. Dianna hadn’t felt this comfortable in any girl clothing ever. When she came out of the bathroom, Daddy was all ready in with Dr. Cindy.

Daddy walked in, they shook hands, and he waited until she sat down before he sat. Dr. Cindy began right away by saying.

“Mr. Whitney, may I call you Bill? Thank you Bill, you can call me Cindy. Bill, frankly almost this entire episode and Carols attempt at suicide stems from your attitude. Your daughter Dianna, I mean Champ, that is what you call her isn’t it Bill?...

To Be Continued…

Why Me! Or Others Know Best Part Twelve By Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. We find out more about Carol’s past and why she looks the way she does. Bill and Dianna visit with Dr. Cindy and he confesses his mistakes and guilt! Chris W.

Part 12

“Mr. Whitney, may I call you Bill? Thank you Bill, you can call me Cindy. Bill, frankly almost this entire episode and Carols attempt at suicide stems from your attitude. Your daughter Dianna, I mean Champ that is what you call her isn’t it Bill…

…Yes, well you’d better think twice about that now. She’s developing into a young woman and the boys she hangs out with have all ready noticed. They tried to get her to swim naked with them telling her if she wants to be a boy, then she’d have to swim as they were. She refused and luckily, her brother Jimmy was there to walk her home.

“Bill Jimmy, Dianna, and you have made Carol’s life a living hell while he is home. He’s all ready gone through enough pain and suffering, more I bet than you three have ever been through. I am very close to taking Carol away from your family. How you answer my questions and what you tell me might just change my mind for now.

“Tell me Bill, why do you tell others that your son is a useless IT?”

My daddy looks ill; I mean his face is pale, he’s all sweaty, his eyes are red and puffy, and he’s even shaking as if he’s cold. He answers.

“Cindy, I work sixteen hours a day, five days a week. Saturday if I’m lucky, I get to sleep late. With four kids in the house, that isn’t often. I have one day to spend with my family, Sunday. I’m exhausted, I’m beat, but I keep going so my family can at least have something.

“All the hours I work gives me plenty of overtime pay. All my fellow workmates know my family should be happy with lots of nice things to call their own with what I get paid each week. They don’t Cindy; they get a minimum of what they really need and nothing close to what I want them to have. The reason comes down to one thing, medical bills. I owe thousands of dollars and I’m making payments that they have decided I should make. As soon as I see a light at the end of the tunnel, Carol is in the hospital again getting care and treatments that are unbelievably expensive.

“To make matters worse Cindy, Carol will never grow up to be a man. Judy and I know this, the doctors told us this, all because of the experimental treatments we had to let them use to save his life. The only way I could afford his treatment and care was if we signed an agreement with the pharmaceutical company. They paid for all his medicine they used. This included female hormones, and they still include them in the medicines he gets today. They figured out that the reason he miraculously came back from the dead was because they were being used in conjunction with his other medications at the time.

“Carol when he reaches puberty will develop as a girl, not a boy. It doesn’t help that Carol is prettier than his sisters are. He looks like Judy did when she was a little girl. I get to save a little extra for the girls and Jimmie’s school clothes by having Carol wear his sister’s old clothes. I save a bit more by Champ, um, I mean Dianna wearing the cheaper work clothes she enjoys wearing. They last a lot longer as well. This helps me get them a little more on their birthdays, for Christmas, and covers little emergencies that crop up. This doesn’t allow my wife and me any room to maneuver or even to get things for ourselves. My wife wears the same things she’s worn for several years now. My eldest Patty is now becoming a woman and she needs nicer things because she’ll be dating and then getting married.

“How can I possibly pay for a wedding” I can’t, and I am just so frustrated it hurts. Carol will always need help, protection, and care. He’s going to remain small, pretty, delicate, and effeminate. He looks like an idiot when he’s in boys clothes, I mean people talk and say we are cruel parents for making our little girl wear boy’s clothes! They don’t believe Carol is a boy even after we tell them!

“Cindy, even the school would prefer it if we let Carol have long hair. They’ve made an exception for him based on how he looks and that he wears girl’s clothes to school. What he wears to school is not obvious girl’s clothing. You have to look close to tell. I’ve all ready had a talk with Jimmy and Ch-Dianna, about not teasing him or treating him badly, especially at school. I just found that out recently.

“Cindy, if Carol had been born a girl, we wouldn’t be sitting here now. He’d be the prettiest girl in school, dressed appropriately, have pretty hair and all the rest. Pretty girls get away with a lot more than the regular or the just ordinary girls. If Carol was a girl, his life would be so much better, but unfortunately, he isn’t.

“Dianna is my daughter and I love her very much. Unfortunately for her, she inherited my bone structure and takes after me. Carol inherited what she used to crave to have. A little girls dream shape and face. Dianna is a nice girl, it’s just she’ll never be a beauty. She’ll be a strong woman, a woman that can handle herself, and she won’t be a secretary or a homemaker. She’ll be a worker, a doer, and I pity the man who tries and gets in her way.

“Patty is the perfect homemaker. She loves taking care of the house, cooking, sewing, and all the rest. She likes looking pretty and dressing as femininely as possible. She was born to be a mother! You should see how she takes care of Carol. I’m very proud of her, but I’ve also hurt her horribly today. I blew my top today and I took it out on her and Carol. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said and it has made me realize how bitter I have become. It isn’t Carol’s fault he’s sick. It isn’t his fault he was born to be so pretty.

“Cindy Jimmy is a typical boy that has less than any of the other boys. Thanks to me, he blames Carol for not having what all the other boys have. He has a little brother that’s more like a having a little sister. He and Dianna are the brothers really. Now that Dianna is growing and changing, Jimmy feels he’s losing the only brother he has ever had. He’s bitter about that. He can’t see Carol as his little brother, Carol can’t do any of the things little brothers usually do with their big brothers. Jimmy knows this and keeps his distance more than anything else. When I heard what he and Dianna were doing at school, I laid down the law. I can promise you they’ll never do anything like that again!

“Doctor Cindy, all I can do is beg you not to take Carol away from us. If you do, my family will be split up. My wife I love more than life itself will leave me. Patty will go with her and my family will suffer even more than they suffer now. Dianna could never be happy again knowing she would now be going to school and be the homemaker as well. Jimmy would just give up. I know him and when he feels he doesn’t have a chance at accomplishing something, he just gives up trying.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, hard thinking Cindy. I just realized how much Carol does to for our family. I just realized he even does it all with a smile and a giggle. Patty made me think about it and I did. Dianna has told me on several occasions, as has Jimmy that Carol was doing the work they were supposed to do before they could have went with me fishing. I just didn’t stop to realize any of this until recently. I just heard Carol’s name mentioned and I saw debt and harder times for the winter. They’d listen as I blamed everything on Carol, and that’s entirely my fault.

“Cindy I promise I’ll change my attitude towards Carol. I’ll do better. I’ll sit down with him, explain it all, and hope he can forgive me. I doubt I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done to my child.”

Daddy started crying then, real tears, real sobs, and right from his heart! Dr. Cindy believed him. This was no act and she had the experience to spot an act when she saw one. She said.

“Bill I believe you. I have a bit of good news for you as well. Carol isn’t your son Bill she’s your daughter. Carol has gone through hell and the chemicals she has received so young has changed her body and possibly her brain as well. The doses the doctors have used were in amounts not even a naturally born woman has in her lifetime. The fact that Carol had breasts at the age of three is testimony enough. I doubt very much if her male appendages will ever function normally.

“She’s a very beautiful child Bill. All she thinks about is others and how they feel. She’s a very special child and with an outlook on life, few grownups have no matter a child so young. Love her Bill, all she wants is your love and your smile. She’ll do anything to get them, even if it meant killing herself, and she almost succeeded in doing that to make you and everyone else happy again.

“Go home Bill, take Dianna with you, and prepare for your new daughters homecoming. One bit of warning Bill before you go. If I ever hear anyone of your family abusing Carol in any way, I’ll remove her from your custody and have the law on you so fast you won’t know what hit you. I recommend you have a nice talk with your son Jimmy and explain things. He has a new little sister he’ll have to help protect at school and in the neighborhood. If you think it will help I’ll have a chat with him. Just call my office and leave me a message.

She stood and shook my daddy’s hand and wished him the best and told him to do his best. Daddy, still with tears falling from his eyes promised he would.

Daddy and Dianna had a great chat while they drove home. They were both actually excited Carol was now a baby sister and daughter! They both felt this would make a huge difference and Dianna surprised daddy by telling him she had some neat stuff she knew her baby sister would love to have and wear. Things were looking better!

Mommy, Patty and Auntie Harriett were sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea. They were all cried out and were now trying to make plans on what and how to accomplish things if they went either way.

Jimmy was upstairs feeling guilty, and quietly crying. He had lots of time to think and that’s what he was doing. He looked at things as his mommy asked him to do a hundred times, but never even tried before this. He looked at things from the other persons view. He tried to look at things through Carol’s eyes and now he was crying he felt so guilty!

He saw Carol looking at him with tears in his eyes as he teased his little brother in front of the other school kids. He saw Dianna pointing out the girl’s clothing and shoes Carol had on to the other kids. They started calling Carol Sissy, girly-boy, little Nancy boy, and all the rest. He saw himself smirking as Carol tried to run inside to the classroom to get away. Jimmy felt Carol’s pain and family betrayal for the very first time and it hurt! It hurt so much Jimmy couldn’t hold back anymore and began to cry hard, very hard as he hollered out loud.

“I’m sorry Carol, I’m so sorry!”

Mommy ran upstairs and saw Jimmy rolled up in a ball sobbing in great gasps and heaves. She sat next to him and he stuttered out how guilty and sorry he was. Patty and Auntie Harriett snuck upstairs quietly and peeked seeing them both locked in a tight hug, both crying, with my mommy saying it would be all right, Carol would forgive him. All he’d have to do is ask.

Patty added her hug and asked Jimmy if he meant it and Jimmy related at how he had looked through Carol’s eyes and how guilty and hurt it made him feel. He promised to do everything he could to make things better and that’s when the phone rang.

Auntie Harriett, mommy, Patty, Sister Anne, and Father Kowalski were wanted at Dr. Cindy’s office as soon as they could make it. Daddy and Dianna returned home a few minutes later. After a brief, but very surprising chat with them both, the three of them left.

Sister Anne and Father Kowalski had been talking for hours. They had to get Carol too stop thinking that Carol wasn’t wanted by God or allowed into Heaven. If any child on the planet deserved to get to heaven, it was Carol! When Dr. Cindy’s office called, they were on the way there immediately.

They were all gathered in the conference room since there were six people counting Dr. Cindy. The women had their tea, and Father Kowalski had his coffee as Dr. Cindy stood and said.

“I didn’t think this was possible, but after talking with Bill and Dianna, I can safely let Carol return home. Judy, is there anything you can add to make me feel even better about my decision?”

Why Me!
Or
Others Know Best
Part Thirteen
By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. She is going to live as a full time girl now, “with the help from the rest of her family.” Chris W.

Part 13

“I didn’t think this was possible, but after talking with Bill and Dianna, I can safely let Carol return home. Judy, is there anything you can add to make me feel even better about my decision?”

Mommy related what had happened with Jimmy and Dr. Cindy was feeling better about her decision. She then told them all, that Carol was now a girl and it had been Carol’s decision to do so. Dr. Cindy added that with the results of all the testing and with her going over all of Carol’s past medical records that she was certain that Carol was indeed a girl and possibly even had a girl’s brain. She outlined how she came up with this diagnosis and that with parental permission she could even get Carol the necessary surgery to complete the process.

Sister Anne and Father Kowalski offered to have Carol enrolled at St. Joseph school so that Carol could get a fresh start and not have any further problems at the public school she was now enrolled.

Mommy regretted that we couldn’t afford the tuition and Father Kowalski said not to worry, that Carol had paid all the tuition for a lifetime just by being Carol. He chuckled and said. Little Angel’s get a free pass at St. Joseph.

Everyone agreed that this would be a great idea and Carol would love to be closer to them both, especially to Sister Anne. Dr. Cindy told them what had transpired with Dianna and Bill. Mommy and Patty were overwhelmed with joy. Auntie Harriett had tears in her eyes, her favorite of favorite niece could finally be happy.

Yes, Harriett always believed Carol to be a girl and even tried to make things easier on Carol whenever he was at her house. She did Mommy’s hair and Patty’s too. She would do mine and let it get longer and longer with each visit. She’d add curls so it stayed off of my shirt collar, so I wouldn’t get in trouble at school. Then the school said I could have longer hair even though I was a boy and she made my hair less curly, but the boys at school sure picked on me then! The girls kept teasing me and telling me I could wear dresses to school now.

The big problem was when I went potty at school. The boys would push me back out and tell me to use the girl’s bathroom. I was scared, but I had to go so I did use the girls. They didn’t tease me so much and they didn’t push me out. I have to sit to pee anyway, and my teacher just smiled when she saw me coming out of the girl’s bathroom. I just began using the girls potty ever since.

Anyway, I had a bunch of visitors the next morning! My whole family showed up with Auntie Harriett, Sister Anne, and Father Kowalski too! They were all smiling and Dianna even had a present for me! She gave me a hug and a kiss and handed me this little box. It had earrings in it that matched my necklace. She said.

“Little sisters need things from their big sisters; I don’t wear earrings, and since you’re my little sister now, I want you to have these, I won them at the church carnival. Hey, I like your necklace and they match!”

We hugged, kissed, and cried happy tears.

They did match, but I didn’t have pierced ears. I asked.

“How do you wear these?”

Dianna said.

“You need to get your ears pierced silly.”

Auntie Harriett jumped in and said.

“I think I can do that when I do your hair and make you look even prettier than you are now, If that’s even possible. I have to give you a perm you know Carol. You have a very important new place to go to and I want my niece to look perfect.”

I had to ask.

“What new place Auntie?”

Father Kowalski and Sister Anne handed me two presents. Sister Anne’s present was in a big box and Father Kowalski’s was in a big envelope.

I opened the envelope and mommy read it for me. I was going to go to St. Joseph school! I was official and everything! I hugged Father Kowalski and gave him a big smootch on his cheek. That’s what he calls kisses, smootches. He’s Polish and they use a lot of funny words for things sometimes.

I un-wrapped the big box and it had a pretty blouse, a tie, a skirt, socks, pretty-shiny black shoes, and even a pair of big girl panties! Daddy walked over to me and handed me a big box too! I was so surprised, daddy giving me a present? He said.

“Kitten, (he never called me that before) I’ve been a bad daddy to you and I’m sorry Honey. I promise to be the best daddy you have ever known from now on if you’ll forgive me.”

I jumped up, hugged him, and started crying I was so happy! I said.

“Daddy, I’ve been praying, and praying, and praying to my special angel so you’d love me and you do! I Love you daddy!”

We just cried and cried happy cries. I don’t think anyone there had dry eyes. I calmed down and opened daddy’s present to me and it was a pretty white and pink petticoat! I gave him another hug and a kiss and my big brother Jimmy walked up and handed me another big box! I was stunned again! He said.

“Carol, I’ve been a poopy big brother and I’m real sorry. I promise to be a real good big brother from now on if you can forgive me.”

We hugged and cried happy tears, this is the bestest day of my life! I opened the box and I find a very pretty dress! It’s beautiful, white with pink lace with yellow flowers and pretty-pink bows embroidered all over it! I gave him another hug and a big smootch on his cheek, he turned red as a fire truck, and everybody laughed.

Patty was next and she gave me a smaller box. More kisses, hugs, and tears of joy. I opened the box and it was a pretty-pair of shiny pink Mary Jane Shoes! They even had yellow flowers on them.

I’m so happy my heart hurts! I’m very tired too, but I hide it and smile. We talked about me coming home, and everyone is so happy and we all have red eyes from crying happy tears. Even Nurse Pat and Dr. Cindy were crying with us!

Everyone left leaving me so happy, just Nurse Pat and Dr. Cindy stayed. I had to talk to Dr. Cindy and we did. Father Kowalski before he left told me we had important things to talk about tomorrow. He also said.

“Little Angel, you can tell Nurse Pat and Dr. Cindy about your special angel, but no one else okay?”

I was so happy I could tell them! I gave Father Kowalski more hugs and smootches as he laughed, set me down, waved as he left.

Dr, Cindy said.

“Carol your parents gave us permission to do a little fixing and soon you’ll be a real little girl. No more IT, and no more in between. How would that make you feel Honey?”

“You mean I can be somebody for real Dr. Cindy? I can be a real little girl and be a real somebody?”

Nurse Pat was really crying happy tears now!

Dr. Cindy said.

“Yes Sweetheart, you are all ready somebody real Honey, but I know what you mean. You’ll be an official little girl and officially going to St. Joseph School as little girl Carol.”

I asked.

“Do you wann’a hears about my special angel now? I cant’s wait to tell you!”

They both laughed, sat on my bed with me and Nurse Pat asked.

“Angel, you want to cuddle as you tell us?”

I crawled onto her lap, kissed her as we snuggled and said.

“It was strange because when it happened I hurt all overs, it was really hards to breathe, but mommy was there and I remember everything and can’t forgets nothings about it. I thinks my special angel helps me do that. Um, I remembers…

“My mommy held my hands in hers and I can remembers feeling her hot tears fall on my hands. I looked up at her and smiled because all of a sudden the pain that hurts me so bads was gone and I saw a very bright light that warmed me up and mades me feel real happy. Yupper, my mommy loves me all right. Then I saw a beautiful glowing mans with long shiny blonde hair. The funny thing was he had wings! He was very pretty, but he was strong and I could see the muscles on his arms and he had broad shoulders and he carried a thick heavy book covered in shiny gold. He stood right next to me and spoke singing his words to me. He said

‘Hello little angel, you have suffered much, but it is not yet your time to join us. You are much needed yet here and your mothers and others love for you will help you. Cling to them and help them with all your strength. There is one other thing you must do you must help your father, Sister Dianna, and your Brother Jimmy. That will be very hard for you to do and you must do this without seeking reward. You must give from your heart and let that be your guide little angel. Give, but do not look to receive and you will succeed where many have failed.’

“He smiled as a tear fell from his eye and softly landed on my cheek as he touched my head softly and then he, the bright light, and the music were gone.

“I’ve seen my special angel in church! There’s a statue of him in the corner. He must be an important angel because they have a statue of him. I didn’t know his name because he didn’t tell me, but the statue says his name is Michael. The statue even has his book, but it isn’t covered in shiny gold on the statue. Do you think my special angel is happy now? I think my daddy, my sister Dianna, and my brother Jimmy are happy now. I wonder if that’s whats my special angel meanted when he saids that to me.

“You sees Dr. Cindy, the peoples that loves me have helpted me and I didn’t asks for nothings, nothings at all, just like my special angel askded of me to do. After you fix me, and I’m a real girl, maybe I can have a soul! Do you think my special angel can give me a soul when I am a real girl Dr. Cindy?”

To Be Continued….

Why Me!

Or
Others Know Best
Part Fourteen
The Final Chapter

By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life. Is this the final Chapter? Chris W.

Part 14

“You sees Dr. Cindy, the peoples that loves me have helpted me and I didn’t asks for nothings, nothings at all, just like my special angel askded of me to do. After you fixded me, and I’m a real girl, maybe I can have a soul! Do you think my special angel can give me a soul when I am a real girl Dr. Cindy?”

The Final Chapter

Dr. Cindy and Nurse Pat couldn’t hold back their tears any longer. I got double cuddles then! I think they were happy tears because they were smiling, and weren’t sad. I was so happy my heart hurt again, but I just kept smiling because I’m used to things hurting me alls the times.

Anyways, they told me what a pretty story it was and they thought the angel would give me a soul for sure now! Dr. Cindy told me that was what Father Kowalski was going to talk to me about tomorrow and it was a real important thing to be given a soul.

I’m so happies now, I’ve never been this happies befores! My family really does loves mees, and I’m going to be a real girl and maybe get a soul and be able to get into Heavens! I won’t have to go to the kid’s dump! I hope so, I don’t wants to go to the kids dump no mores. I’m real tireds again and ask them if I can take a nap. I get tucked in and I have real happy dreams!

I wake up, Nurse Pat is there with a big breakfast for me, and she says.

“Right after you finish breakfast I’m going to get you into a bathtub filled with bubbles and then, guess what Sweetheart?”

I ask her what and she wiggles a pair of big girl panties hanging off of her fingers! I squeal and giggle, I’m so happy! No more baby diapers and rubber pants, I get to wear big girl panties!

I eat triple fast and Nurse Pat laughs and laughs. She puts me in a wheelchair and I sees other nurses coming out of the big bathroom with the tubs and showers in it.

I get wheeled inside and I see bunches of flowers and cards and balloons! Pretty pictures peoples have drawns and a lot of pretty-little angel pictures! The tub is filled with bubbles and they smell like flowers! Nurse Pat takes my nightie off and then says.

“Now remember Carol, you aren’t going to be wearing diapers anymore so let someone know if you have to use the potty okay?

I say okays right away and she sets me in the middle of the bubbles. I squeal again and giggle because the bubbles tickle me. Nurse Pat does a real good job of washing me and Nurse Karen comes in, washes, and then even conditions my hair! She says conditioning is real important for girls to do and I should do it every time I wash my hair from now ons!

Wow, Auntie Harriet is here and she’s brought her hair stuffs! She says.

“Carol I can’t give you a perm yet, but I can get your hair nice and curly and even pierce your ears this morning. Then all your nurse friends are going to help you get dressed in your new things, but first, lets get you rinsed off and dried.”

Nurse Pat and Auntie do just that and then I get to step into my big girl panties! I’m so happies nows!

Auntie combs out my hair in little sections and rolls the sections on curlers, but she uses this paper too and pink goop stuff. It goes like this. Goop, paper, curler, lots, and lots of times! Then she ties a pretty-pink hairnet over the curlers real tight and then the hair dryer bonnet.

My hair is dry now, but Auntie says I need to get all dressed first. I get wheeled back to my room once I have my robe on. Once I’m in my room the nurse’s start coming in each carrying something that’s all covered up. Nurse Beth smiles real big and says.

“Little Angel, big girl panties are nice, but if you wear big girl panties you need one of these too.”

She holds up a pretty-pink training bra, all shiny with little yellow flowers printed all over it and it has a pink satin bow in the middle with a little yellow flower in the middle.

I squeal!

“A bras, a big girl bras, just for mees!”

Everyone is laughing and I’m giggling as Nurse Beth fastens and adjusts it just right. Nurse Karen holds up the petticoat my daddy gaves mees and I slip into that. Nurse Holly walks in all smiles and she laughing as she says.

“Wait for me; she needs these before the dress!”

WOW, she has pretty-pink socks with yellow ribbon lace trim above the ankles! She slips them on my feet and then everything happens so fast, shoes are put on my feet and Nurse Pat holds my head and looks into my eyes. This stops me from my bouncing around and I feel a sting in both my earlobes at the same time! OUCH! Nurse Holly hands my Auntie my earrings! I just got my ears pierced!

My necklace is put back on me and then Dr. Cindy walks in and says.

“Surprise Angel, no little angel can go around without pretty nails!”

I get my fingernails painted, just like the big girls!

I’m so happies!

Auntie takes out all the curlers and then squeezes the curls because they are hards. I hear them crackle as she squeezes them. She brushes my hair out and everyone is making noises and saying how beautiful I am. The dress is lowered over my head and then buttoned up my back. A pretty-pink satin sash is tied into a big bow at my back and I’m ready! I wants to sees myselfs in the mirrors, but I have to waits for one more things. LIPSTICK! I get big girl’s lipstick!

Now I’m ready they say, but then I ask.

“Um, what am I ready for?”

Everyone laughs and they say.

“This!”

WOW, Mommy, Daddy, Patty, Jimmy, Dianna, Sister Anne, and Father Kowalski walk in! They all say at the same time.

“SURPRISE!”

Mommy says.

“Punkin you can’t be wearing a party dress without having a party!”

I’m bouncing up and down and squeal.

“WOWS A PARTYS JUST FOR MEES!”

We have a great party and it’s my being an official girl party! Father Kowalski and Sister Anne tell me I can get an official and real big girl soul now!
I ask.

“But I haven’t been fixded by Dr. Cindy yets!”

Dr. Cindy says.

“Carol you’re all girl where it counts Honey. That’s in your heart and in your mind. That’s what makes it official, not what your body has, but what’s inside you that makes you, you.”

Wows, I’m a real girl rights nows! Even befores I’m fixded! I’m so happy my heart hurts and it really hurts bads this times.

I can’t hides it, but I keep smiling I’m so happies! It’s so hards to breathes now, I has to lies downs. Dr. Cindy and Nurse Pat and Nurse Holly run and catch me before I falls on the floors. I’m back in bed ands I tells thems.

“I’m so happies, my heart hurts. I’m tireds, cans I naps now?”

Nurse Holly grabs me and shakes me as she says.

“NO ANGEL! No Naps Yet! You have to stay awake!”

Dr. Cindy hollers down the hall.

“CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE, ROOM SEVEN!”

Nurse Pat presses a red button on the wall and the lights all blink on and off and that makes me giggle. Then I hear my mommy scream! She screams.

“GOD NO! NOT NOW! PLEASE GOD SHE’S FINALLY GOT HER FAMILY! GOD DON’T TAKE HER AWAY FROM US!”

I see everyone’s crying, even daddy my sister Dianna, and Jimmy are cryings! I can’t talks, I can’t say anythings but I smile!

Nurse Pat says while crying big tears.

“Keep smiling Angel, keep smiling Honey. You have to much love to give away yet to go on any trips like this!”

Sister Anne and Father Kowalski are on their knees praying. My family is sent out of the room, as a lot of doctors and nurses come running into my room and start hurting me. They stab me with needles and run IVs in my arms. I get a tube shoved down my throat, and I feel the breathing machine start and push air into my lungs and it hurts bads!

Angel! My specials angel is here and he’s smiling real bigs! The bright light is getting brighter and brighter, the angel’s are singing and the beautiful music is playing and I don’t hurts no mores! I smile and smile!

My special angel just puts his hand on my chest as he keeps smiling. My mommy comes in with Sister Anne and Father Kowalski. He has that cloth around his neck like last time my angel was here. Mommy and everyone are crying real hard, but I smile and try to let them know every things really okays! My daddy comes in and he’s crying harder than anyone else! He hollers out.

“TAKE ME GOD, DON’T TAKE MY LITTLE GIRL! I JUST GOT HER BACK AND I DO LOVE HER SO MUCH! TAKE ME NOT HER!”

My sisters and brother are crying real hards too. Now everyone’s kneeling around my bed and each lay one of their hands on me as Father Kowalski says his special prayers. I look at everyone one at a time as I smile trying to let them knows its okays. I look at mommy and my angel says.

“Are you ready to go to Heaven little angel?”

I CAN go to Heavens! I can, I can! I’m so happies I can go to Heavens like a real girl can!

WOWS, I can fly with my angel! I look down and Dr. Cindy is closing my eyes with her fingers, but I’m up here now, not down theres! I’m up heres and I’m going to Heavens like a real girl in big girl panties and a big girls bras, and I’m in my party dress looking real pretties! I giggle real loud I’m so happy and I see everyone look up like they’re surprised, I giggle again and I see Sister Anne crying, but she waves to me! I wave back, giggle one more time and…

The End…

From my heart to yours

 © 2007 by Angel O'Hare. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, and compilation design) may be printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without the express written consent of The BigCloset-TopShelf and the copyright holder.

Why Me!

Or

Others Know Best
Part Fifteen

Surprise!

By
Angel O’Hare

This is the continuing Story of Carol’s life, Surprise! Chris W.

Part 15

WOWS, I can fly with my angel! I look down and Dr. Cindy is closing my eyes with her fingers, but I’m up here now, not down there! I’m up here and I’m going to Heavens like a real girl in big girl panties and a big girls bras, and I’m in my party dress looking real pretties! I giggle real loud I’m so happy and I see everyone look up like there surprised, I giggle again and I see Sister Anne crying, but she waves to me! I wave back, giggle one more time and…

Surprise!

Heavens is beautifuls! The closer I get the better it is! I sees so many pretty angels! They are all different ages and colors! Boy angels, girl angels, and angels that looks likes mees too! I knows that because some of them are flying around without anything ons!

I now knows it’s what’s in your hearts, in your minds, and in your soul that countsted. Not what your body looks likes. My specials angel lets goes of mees and I fly! I fly all on my own and with no wings! I’m flying with all the other angels and its fun! I giggle and giggle, they are giggling and laughing and my special angel takes my hand again and we land on this beautiful mountain of glittery colors and a rainbow shoots out of it and goes on forevers and forevers!

My special angel says.

“Little Angel, will you sing to Elohim?”

Oh do I want to sing! I don’t have to close my eyes anymore, all the colors and the music and the pretty sounding voices, and the brightest light of all is shining rights on mees!

I sing a song I didn’t think I knew, but I know it now and a lot more than that! I sing and sing and it feels so wonderful just to give and give and give! The more I sing and give of myself from myself, I feel better and better, fuller and fuller, I feel so good that I have to sing and giggle!

And then…

I’m in the light! I’m almost part and parcel of the light, but something is keeping me from becoming one with the light and I hear in my soul.

“Little Angel, you have yet much to do! Rejoice in this gift you have received, few others have received such a gift and yet returned to those that love them.

“Tell your Mommy, tell Father Kowalski, tell Sister Anne, tell Dr. Cindy, Most importantly, tell Mrs. Brooks. Tell no others!

“Little angel your family needs you, the world needs you. You understand the truth of the true self. Bodies are a tool to use to serve, as needed nothing else. It is what is within that body that counts for everything little angel. To give from within ones own heart, to dwell within ones soul and live that life, that identity is the secret humankind has shunned.

“Carol, seek out those in between, those that are caught between body and soul. For they are closer to Me than those that claim they proclaim My Word!

“Go back to your family that now loves you more than they love themselves. You have done well Little Angel; My gifts to you will be shown to you as they are needed. First, go see Mrs. Brooks. She’s waiting for you. You will understand, and be happy Little Angel; your place with Me is assured.”

I’m happy, but I’m sads too. I know what though, I’m really needed and wanted back home with my family now. Mrs. Brooks needs me bads! I sing my song of thanks to Elohim and I can sings betters than evers befores!

My special angel takes my hand and as we float, not fly, but float down back towards my hospital room, he says.

“You are a gift from Elohim to those you give of yourself to help Little Angel. Remember it is He who does these things through you. Never loose that thought Little Angel, it is He who does these things through you!”

WOWS, I’m not in my room, I’m in Mrs. Brooks room! There she is and she’s real unhappy and sad. She’s crying and her eyes are closed. I float down and she opens her eyes as I float to the floor and I feel my feet touch. I feel weight now and I’m heavy again. I feel! I breathe on my own! That first breath as I touch the floor with my feet feels wonderful!

I giggle and she smiles! She smiles real big and says.

“Angel, they told me you had died and had gone to Heaven! I heard you giggle as you left us. I knew you were my angel, I just knew it, but then you were gone and I was all alone again. I did a bad thing when I was younger angel. It was a selfish thing and I hurt a lot of people to save myself. I made myself whole by losing those I loved and now I know I am who I look like, but was it worth it?”

I giggle because I can’t help it and say.

“It’s never too late to try and change things by giving of yourself Mrs. Brooks. Use what you know, use your experiences and help others by sharing you with them. The true you, not your body, but what is within that body. That’s who you really are! Bodies are to look at and use as tools. We give them too much importance and use them as mirrors because we want the world to see us without saying anything. We can’t do that Mrs. Brooks. It would be like buying books because the covers are pretty and never reading them.

“A lot of people look at another person and instantly judge them by what they see. They are so wrong to do that Mrs. Brooks, and they cheat themselves and hurt others by doing that. Be who you really are Mrs. Brooks, give to others from your heart and you can’t ever be wrong! They might not understand, but you’re not wrong to give of yourself. They will understand eventually and then they will smile and be glad of your efforts whenever you gave them part of you.

“Um, oh yeah, I’m just a little girl and I can’t talk like this. I have a story to tell you because He said I could tell you. So…”

I told Mrs. Brooks the storys and she was the happiest she has ever beesn and promiseded Gods she woulds do what He askeded her to doos. (Whatever that is) That’s when we sang our song to Hims, and that’s when all sorts of crazy stuffs happened just like befores, GEEZE! Right in the middle of our song toos, I sees a lot of happy tears though, especially from Dr. Cindy, Nurse Holly, and Nurse Pat!

I can’t help but giggle and giggle because I’m being pushed real fast down the hall and I waves to the nurses and they are just standings with their mouths hangings opens! They look real funny!

As I’m being pushed into the big room with the bright light and all the peoples in it waiting for mees, I hear Dr. Cindy say.

“Angel, your family is on there way Sweetheart. They’ll be here real soon and so will your Auntie, Sister Anne, and Father Kowalski.”

I’m so happies, my heart doesn’t hurts no mores, and I feels better than I ever feels befores!

Everyone is crying, but now I know, they are all happy tears!

I hope you like my story, I told it to you so you could be just as happy as mees is! I loves you alls OODLES and SCOODLES! (that means lots, and lots!)

Giggle, giggle.

The End…or is it?

 © 2007 by Angel O'Hare. All Rights Reserved. These documents (including, without limitation, all articles, text, images, logos, and compilation design) may be printed for personal use only. No portion of these documents may be stored electronically, distributed electronically, or otherwise made available without the express written consent of The BigCloset-TopShelf and the copyright holder.