Poor ole Joe Bockkernodd . Upset with life. Work, work all the time. Whenever he saw a girl with her boyfriend, a wife with her husband, he thought, “Oh how lucky they are. Never having to work. Always having somebody to take care of them. Oh, if only he was one of the lucky ones with someone to take care of him.”
Poor ole Joe Bockkernodd . Upset with life. Work, work all the time. Whenever he saw a girl with her boyfriend, a wife with her husband, he thought, “Oh how lucky they are. Never having to work. Always having somebody to take care of them. Oh, if only he was one of the lucky ones with someone to take care of him.”
Poor ole Joe Bockkernodd . Upset with life. Work, work all the time. Whenever he saw a girl with her boyfriend, a wife with her husband, he thought, “Oh how lucky they are. Never having to work. Always having somebody to take care of them. Oh, if only he was one of the lucky ones with someone to take care of him.”
On this particular Friday night, after a long days work, Poor ole Joe Bockkernod prepared for bed. Tired, exhausted — “Oh, those lucky females,” he said to himself.
Suddenly, there was a round bright light. “Somebody had got an awful big flashlight,” thought Joe.
“I am not a flashlight, “spoke a voice from the light. The light dimmed and there stood the most beautiful human he ever did see. Did I say human? Well, this figure had wings and spoke softly -- “I am a fairy on probation that has been sent to give you your most requested wish.”
“Wish?” thought Joe. “What wish — now, let me see — maybe it is the wish that I could win the lottery. I never won it before. Wonder why?”
“Because you never bought a lottery ticket, you dumbbell,” answered the fairy. “Your fondest wish was to become a woman and have a rich boy friend or husband, so we decided on a boy friend.’
“Let’s see now — I haven’t had any instructions to make you smarter, so I guess I will make you a blonde bimbo,” declared the angel. “Yes, a blonde bimbo. Just right.”
With those words, the fairy said something like,
“Winky, winky, dink.
How you will stink.
How stupid your wish must be,
so you will be a stupid woman, you see.”
With a whisk of a spoon (the store was fresh out of wands), poor Joe Bockkernodd became Josephine Bockernodd.
“Come and give me a kiss, honey bunch, “called a male voice. Josephine looked up and there stood a long bearded fat bald man, with tobacco juice all over his mouth.
Josephine tried to think of some way to get out of this. Maybe kissing him would turn him into a handsome prince. Naw. He’s not a frog — a frog is prettier.
“Gotta go to the bathroom,” replied Josephine.
One thing about it. She decided that she was surely not gonna kiss that thang, whatever it was. She had to escape. She tried the bathroom window. It was too small. She even though about going down through the commode, but all she got was a wet head -- well, that was smaller than the window.
“Aw. Come on,” begged the man. “Gimme a kiss. Look what you got — a perfect specimen of manhood.”
What she got? She had got herself into a mess — that’s what! Should have wished for a pumkin or something. What had she wished for? Maybe she could get a fairy momma who would give her a get-away punkin car like that Cinder-whats-her-name.
The man came staggering into the bathroom. She locked the door so he could not come in, but he was already in.
Puckering up his lips, he said, “Give me a kiss.” Josephine saw the tobacco juice all over his lips and his beard and his breath smelled like rotten potatoes — or was that his feet she was smelling? Surely he took a bath this month.
Josephine always took a bath at least once a month — she hated to go dirty. She even washed her hair once a year. For years, she had considered herself to be a very clean woman with those activities, even though she was a man just a few minutes ago.
“Gotta go to the store,” Josephine said, quickly making an exit for the door. She opened the door and ran into a bunch of clothes (in the closet). “Now, this is a fine place to hang out the wash,” she murmured as she ran through the clothes and into the wall.
“Some durn idiot parked his truck out here, “she exclaimed, turned around, ran around the room and found the other door. “Gotta complain ‘bout that truck.”
Once outside in the night air, she decided to light her cigarette. She realized that she did not have a cigarette, so she smoked her thumb. It did not matter. She did not have a cigarette lighter anyway. She bought some matches once, but they would not light. The manufacturer had put the striking part on the wrong end.
While she was enjoying the good smoke, a nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman walked up to her and asked, “Whatcha a pretty dame like you doing out on a night like this?”
“I dunno,” she said. “Is it raining?” She looked around and it was — pouring down like cats and dogs.
“What a smart man,” thought Josephine. “He knew it was raining. Must be educated or something to be that smart ‘cause he knew that without watching the weather channel.” Josephine was educated, too. She went all the way through school — in the front door and out the back.
“Better come inside with me. You might melt,” offered the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman. “Betcha you as sweet as ice cream.”
“Yeah, I like ice cream,” answered Josephine.
“Come with me and I will buy you an ice cream factory,” said the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen. “I am from Texas and I am a zillionaire. I will take good care of you.”
So, she did — and he did — and Josephine lived happily ever after with someone to take care of her.
The fairy who had worked her magic was not banned as expected for such a stupid spell, but was promoted to changing pumpkins into carriages. However, she got mixed up and turned an evil stepmomma into Santa Claus and all the kids got spinach for Christmas that year instead of candy and received glue to make spinach decorations.
One kid got his eye stuck shut and, when he grew up he went off to sea, but his vision was so bad that he mistook a bottle of olive oil for his girl friend.
Anyway, alls well that ends up in a well, they always say.
THE END OF THIS NONSENSE.
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Secretly copyright by Starla Anne Lowry, but don’t tell anyone.
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“You know you cannot drive without a driver license,” screamed the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
“Sure I can. I put something in this here hole next to the wheel that the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman uses to stir things with and I put this thang here in “R”, get my book about Dick and Jane and Spot and put my foot on that thang down there and the car goes, but there is always that there tree in the way.”
The nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman who carried Josephine Bockkernodd to Texas and bought her an ice cream factory was not around when Josephine decided she needed to go to the store. She wanted to bake a pie and had the corn cobs, but did not have the dill pickles and po’cat meat.
She found the car, but could not figured out how to wind it up so it would go. She remembered that was how her brother started his little cars he got for Christmas.
She thought -- making her head hurt -- and finally remembered that the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman put something in a hole near the round thing that he moved back and forth going down the road. He called it a stirring wheel. That thang was too big to put in a glass or bowl, so she could never figured out how he could stir anything with it.
After sitting there an hour and trying different things, she finally figured out what to put in the hole — her bobby pin. She got the car started (miracles do happen) and got her favorite book about Dick and Jane and Spot to read and put the lever in “R”. (That was for reading, of course.)
The car backed across the road and into a tree. Now, why would anyone plant a tree there? That was the second time she had hit that tree, being the second time she had decided to drive the car. Surely whoever put that tree there should know it was in the way.
A nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer came up. He was the same nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer who came up the last time she drove the car and hit the tree that should not have been in her way.
“Let me see your driver license”, gruffed the nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer.
Driver license? That must have been the thang that the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen got for her by “pulling some strings”. Josephine could not understand that. The last time Josephine had pulled a string, her sweater came apart.
“Now, how can I show you my driver license when you took it away from me last time?” asked Josephine.
“You know you cannot drive without a driver license,” screamed the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
“Sure I can. I put something in this here hole next to the wheel that the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman uses to stir things with and I put this thang here in “R”, get my book about Dick and Jane and Spot and put my foot on that thang down there and the car goes, but there is always that there tree in the way.”
“Don’t you know to stop before you hit the tree?” asked the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
“Well, I stuck my foot out the door and the car would not stop.”
“You are supposed to use the brake!” yelled the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
“Now, what would I want to break?” asked Josephine.
"Are you trying to be smart with me?" asked the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
"No, but I did go to school one day." replied Josephine. "My brother was out sick and I went in his place. It was fun. I got to sit in a corner with a pointed hat on my head.'
"The teacher was so nice to me," continued Josephine. "She did not let any of the other kids do that. I think she liked me. In fact, I was so smart that she told me to never come back."
"Oh, why? Why do I get kooks like this?" asked the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman.
"Oh, yes -- I am a good cook. I can boil water without burning it. Sometimes somebody steals my water and the pan burns, though," proudly stated Josephine. "But the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen pays a nicely dressed cook to fix some nicely dressed food for me. He loves me that much."
“That does it”, screamed the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman. “I am placing you under arrest.”
“Good, I need a rest.”
“I intend to lock you up — in jail!” the nicely dressed non-intoxicated policeman screamed — a lot louder.
“You are not a very nice non-intoxicated revooner,” said Josephine. “No wonder your wife pulled your hair out.”
“I ain’t no revenuer”, screamed the nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer, “and my wife did not pull my hair out.”
Well, you ain’t got none on your head,” replied Josephine.
“You are coming with me” said the nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer as he put the handcuffs on Josephine.
“Halp! I am being kidsnatched,” yelled Josephine as she was hauled away in the back seat of the police car.
That was the last time the nicely dressed non-intoxicated police officer came through that neighborhood. The next time he was a nicely dressed INTOXICATED police officer.
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--To be continued some day?
I dunno — Is it worth it?
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Secretly copyrighted 2007 by Starla Anne Lowry
But don’t let anyone know that.
“Order in the court!”
“Well, it is about time,” said Josephine Bockerrnod. “I am getting hungry. I will have a chocolate ice cream cone with ketchup on it.”
Chapter 3
“All rise”, said the man with the gun and badge standing by a big ole desk. Josephine saw a lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress come in a side door and go behind the big ole desk that the man with the gun and badge was standing beside of.
She must be going to cook breakfast, thought Josephine. “All Rise Flour” was the name on the bag of flour in the kitchen of the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen where Josephine Bockkernodd lived — or was it something else?
Everyone had stood up. Now, that was nice — everyone standing for a lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“Hear ye, hear ye, the traffic court of Judge Robert R. Roberts is now in session,” shouted the man with the gun and badge standing by the big ole desk.
The man with the gun and badge standing by the big ole desk must have been hard of hearing, thought Josephine Bockerrnodd. He hollered real loud, so he must not be able to hear hisself talk. That was a shame. Josephine Bockerrnodd could hear just fine.
“Case 11287” said the man with the gun and badge standing by a big ole desk. “The city versus Josephine Bockerrnodd.”
Wasn’t that nice. The man with the gun and badge standing by a big ole desk mentioned verses. They were going to talk about the Bible.
The lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress stared straight at Josephine and said, “You are charged with driving without a license and disorderly conduct. How do you plead?”
Josephine replied, “Oh, if I am just charged with something, I will just pay it with this here Mister Card the nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman gave me. I thought this revooner had got me into trouble and that is why I was here.
“Revenuer? Are you a boot legger, too?” asked the lady with no hair who looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“No ma’am, I don’t wear boots on my legs. I wear ‘em on my pretty feet — See?” as she stuck her feet into the air so the judge could see the boots she wore on her pretty feet.
“No, no”, said the lady with no hair who looked like a man wearing a long black dress. “A boot legger makes corn liquor from a still — and don’t call me ma’am!”
“Well, where I come from dranking that stuff don’t make a person stay still unless they pass out. Now, I knew a man who was out so long they thought he was dead, but that was okay ‘cause he was dead. Now, if he had been alive and everyone thought he was dead, being dead would have been a bad thing, but since he was dead, it was okay to be dead.”
“We are not here to talk about dead people”, screamed the lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“Well, why did you bring it up?” asked Josephine Bockkernodd.
“I didn’t bring it up!” shouted the lady with no hair that looked like a man in a long black dress.
“Well, somebody did,” said Josephine Bockerrnodd.
“You did!” screamed the lady with no hair that looked like a man in a long black dress as a few giggles was heard. “Order in the court”
“Well, it is about time,” said Josephine Bockerrnod. “I am getting hungry. I will have a chocolate ice cream cone with ketchup on it.”
“We are not serving food!” screamed the lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“Well, you said we could order in the court!” replied Josephine Bockkernodd. “Make up your mind. If you are going to cook sumptn’g, hurry. I ain’t ate nutting since the last time I ate sumptn’g”
“I am not going to cook, either!” yelled the lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“Well, the man with the gun and badge standing beside the big ole desk was calling for All Rise Flour,” remarked Josephine Bockkernodd. “I thunk you were gonna make biscuits and gravy.”
The lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress reached up to pull her hair out and discovered that she did not have any hair to pull out.
“This officer states that you were driving without a driver license and you did not conduct yourself in a proper manner, so are you guilty or not guilty?” demanded the lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress.
“This mean ole no-so-nice not-intoxicated revooner took my driver license away from me last week and did not give them back. The nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen gave $500 to get them for me and you all treat me like I am a mean girl,” cried Josephine Bockkernodd. “The nicely dressed intoxicated gentleman even sent $500 to Judge Bob Roberts for something. That is how nice the nicely dressed intoxicated gentlemen is to everybody.”
The lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress began to turn red in the face, whose eyes grew large and who appeared to be choking, finally managed to say “Now, this beautiful young girl is evidently innocent because she did not know what she was doing — so, case dismissed. And officer — if you ever bring this sweet, innocent girl into this courtroom, I will have your badge. Now, transport her back home — or store–or wherever she wants to go. That is an order.”
The lady with no hair that looked like a man wearing a long black dress must have seen a nail in her big ole desk ‘cause she hit it with a wooden hammer and left the room so quick that Josephine Bockkernodd wondered if she had seed a ghost or sumptn’g.
Josephine Bockkernodd thought just a minute and said, “She must have hit her finger, poor ole thang.”
“Where do you want to go?” asked the now-nice non-toxicated revooner.
“Let’s go home,” replied Josephine Bockkernodd. “I want some ice cream with ketchup on it and maybe some pickles.”
Judge Robert R. Roberts went to his office, pulled off his long black robe that looked like a dress and rubbed his head which did not have any hair, pushed a button on a big black box and talked into it, saying, “Lucy, where is the $500 I got last week? I need to buy some moonshine and I need it now!”