Shauna
First, let me introduce myself. I am George, and I am nearly fifteen. My identical twin, Jeff, and I live with our mother, a very popular cosmetic surgeon, in a small town outside of Denver, Colorado. People come from miles around to have her work her magic on them, so we are financially quite well-off. However, from a family point of view, we are lacking somewhat, since we don’t have a father at the moment. Unfortunately, he was killed in a car accident nearly three years ago; the week before Christmas. Mom takes really good care of us and loves us to no end, but things have just not been the same since Dad left us…
Let me back up in time just a bit to a few weeks before Halloween, while Jeff and I are on fall break. We are home alone and I am trying to figure out what to wear to the big Halloween party that Mom is dragging us to. I walk into Jeff’s room to ask his opinion on an idea, only to find him not there… I don’t think anything of it really, until I hear a noise coming from Mom’s room. I peek in and don’t know who is more surprised, Jeff or me, when I find him dressed up in some of Mom’s clothes and putting on her makeup. I let out a startled, “Jeff? What in the hell are you doing, bro?” He hangs his head a bit and then he says, “Ummm…trying to come up with a costume…?”
I know instinctively that he is lying. We have never been able to lie to each other; we are too closely bonded by blood, or genes, or whatever as twins… I look at him and ask, “Is there something you want to tell me? You know I won’t judge you…” He breaks down and cries as he tells me that he is a girl inside, that he has known it for some time, but that he was afraid to tell anyone. I melt inside as my empathetic link to him lets me feel his extreme pain. I honestly don’t know how to react, though.
Finally, I ask, “OK, so, what do you want to do about it? You obviously can’t keep it a secret from Mom forever.” I see him pale, even through the makeup he has smeared on his face. He says, “George, you can’t say anything! Promise me! I would die!” I shake my head and say, “Chill, bro! I won’t say anything until you are ready… So, how can I help?” This time Jeff shakes his head and says, “I don’t know. I feel so helplessly alone in this. I feel like I am a girl and wish that we were twin sisters… I am so screwed up!” He starts crying again…
I sit there a little stunned at his admission and wonder what I am supposed to do with that information. I think about it for a few minutes, as we both sit there in silence, and then say, “OK, so, since Mom doesn’t know anything about this, and you have to pretend to be a guy when she is home, then I guess I can pretend to be a girl when she is not. Umm…but let’s be clear that I am pretending…” Jeff jumps up and runs over to me and hugs me. He says, “Oh, George, that would mean so much to me! I am afraid that I am not really very good at any of this. I have had to sneak around to make sure no one found out…”
An hour later, I am sitting in my room at my computer, watching several YouTube videos on how to do makeup and trying to follow the instructions while doing Jeff’s eyes. It turns out that today was Jeff’s first venture into ‘girldom’ and he had no clue what to do. I have always been artistic in nature and am sure that I can get this, even though I have even less of a clue. After several attempts, I get it sort of right. He looks pretty good, no blotches of foundation, eyes properly made up, lips well defined, cheeks rosy, and nose powdered… He attempts the same on me and I fix some of the stuff myself that don’t turn out so well. I feel like a complete fool, but, like I said, I would do most anything for my bro…
For the next two hours after that, we are in some of Mom’s clothes and high heels, strutting around the house. I have to laugh at our antics, but Jeff, sorry, Brianne, as she wants to be called, seems really happy. She makes me pick a name for myself for when I am in ‘girl mode’ and so I reluctantly decide on ‘Gwen’.
I keep a careful eye on the clock and, an hour before I know Mom is due to come home, I make sure that we get the makeup completely cleaned off, like another YouTube video had explained, and everything is put back so that Mom will not suspect anything. The next day, Brianne wants to come out to play again and so we repeat the whole thing, again and again, every day of the break.
We get a bit faster and better with the makeup every day, but I notice that we have used a fair amount out of Mom’s bottles and I am afraid she will notice. I make us get back into ‘Jeff and George’ mode and we walk to the store down the block to buy some replacement makeup. I had made a careful list of the stuff we needed from Mom’s supplies. Thankfully, my YouTube research had prepared me to know how to look for things like the right brand, item numbers, and such.
We pick up a few food items and go to the checkout. I expect the girl to look at us funny, or say something, but she doesn’t give the stuff, or us, a second glance as we pay. We hurry back home and I refill Mom’s bottles to levels that are closer to where they were at the beginning of the week and then we hide the rest in Jeff’s (well Brianne’s) room.
And so, fall break passes by and we successfully hide our little secret…
With school on, there is little time to do much as far as Brianne and Gwen are concerned. In order to give Brianne a little playtime, after school, we put on pantyhose and Mom’s high heels, which amazingly fit us quite well, if a little big, just to walk and practice in them–I had done some more research on YouTube and we are following the instructions to walk correctly in them. I critique Brianne and make her walk just like in the instructional videos, including holding her hands and arms correctly, while taking short steps and placing one foot in front of the other. Of course, she does the same to me; I even quit feeling like a total fool–it even becomes a sort of a challenge, especially when we start practicing going up and down stairs correctly.
I also do a lot of research on gender identity disorder at night and have a better handle on what Brianne is going through. I know that, based on the information on several legitimate medical websites, that Brianne and I have not entered puberty yet. We both seem to be on the late end of that spectrum. Unfortunately for Brianne, I find out that we could start any day and that will really mess with her body when the testosterone starts working on it.
The morning after the Halloween party, we have the day off for some sort of teacher day and I decide to confront her. We both had worn lame costumes to the party, since Brianne was too chicken to tell Mom she wanted to dress as a girl and I did not want to make her uncomfortable with my cool masculine idea. I look at her seriously and say, “Brianne, you know that we could enter puberty any day now and that is going to mess with your body in ways that you don’t want. We both dressed in a costume that we hated last night because of this conflict of yours. It is time to tell Mom and get you the medical help you need. Yes, it has been fun for you to pretend, but life is real and so are your problems…”
Brianne starts crying and says, “Oh, George, can we please just get dressed as Brianne and Gwen and enjoy the day while Mom is out? I promise to think about it. I really will…” I relent and we go through Mom’s closet and pick out a couple of her dresses and put them on, along with some high heels. Then we put on our makeup–we are both really good at it by now–and I look at us in the mirror. Mom’s stuff is way too old for ‘girls’ our age, but Brianne is happy so I keep my mouth shut.
We are pretty much pros at walking in heels by now, so we practicing sitting like girls (yes, YouTube was our teacher). We just sit and look through some of Mom’s women’s magazines and do some more makeup and teen fashion research online until we are hungry. We are sitting in the kitchen eating lunch when the door to the garage opens and Mom suddenly comes in, surprising us both. I would say our surprise was nowhere near Mom’s, though. She looks at us, a horrified look on her face, and stammers, “What on earth…? I mean, boys would you…?” Finally, she just collapses into a chair at the table and starts crying.
Brianne rushes over to her and hugs her. She says, “Mommy, it is OK. We were just fooling around…” I decide that it is time to help my sister along and say, “No, Mom, Brianne here is helping me deal with my issues…I am trying to help her, too. I am afraid that you have two closet daughters–and we would really like to come out of that closet. We have been doing this for quite some time but did not know how to tell you...”
Brianne pales and starts to say something, but I quickly continue, “Brianne is really shy about her needs, but I think we both need help–and really soon. I mean we could start puberty any day and that would be terrible for our bodies!”
Mom seems to snap out of it and says, “You, you, both want to be girls?” Brianne shakes her head and I nod mine. Mom says, “Well, which is it?” I say, “Like I said, Brianne is a little more conflicted with what people will think than I am. I have done a lot of research and know that we can’t fight who we are. You can give us hormone blockers to at least stop us from entering male puberty. Will you do that for us, Mom…my? Like today, even? Then you can do whatever tests you want to on us and get us straightened out. But we can’t start looking like boys! PLEASE!"
Mom gets a little paler and says, “You boys…girls…kids stay here. I have to call work and have them cancel my appointments for tomorrow–I am already off the rest of today; it was to be a surprise. It looks like the surprise was on me, instead…”
She leaves the kitchen and goes into her office. Brianne looks at me and whispers, “George? What are you doing? You don’t want to be a girl!” I smile wanly and say, “Trust me, Bree. I will go through this with you for a few weeks, just until you get your confidence built up and are well underway. I can then ‘decide’ that I have changed my mind. A few weeks of hormone blockers won’t hurt me…and I will do anything to help you through this…”
Neither of us has a chance to say anything else, because Mom comes back in. Then we have a long talk. Mom also has a degree in psychology, so I know that I won’t be able to pull the wool over her eyes too long, but it only has to be long enough to get Bree taken care of. So, Bree and I show her how we can walk in the heels and sit properly. She can see that we are obviously quite good with the makeup.
After several hours of talking, we have her convinced that we are serious. She seems a bit sad as she makes us take a test online. It is something called a COAGTI and we quickly go through answering the questions. I had read about it while doing my research and know that it is to show your ‘inner’ gender. I answer the questions the way I think a girl would and it doesn’t take long for us to finish. Mom looks at the results and shakes her head. Finally, she calls in some prescriptions to the pharmacy.
She then tells us to stay put and drives off. She comes back about forty-five minutes later with a couple of large Target bags. She pulls out two pairs of girl’s jeans, blouses, panties, socks and flat ‘ballet’ shoes. She tells us to go to our rooms, take off her clothes, and put on just the panties–then come down to her office.
We do as we are told and stand there in front of her in nothing but girl’s panties. I feel really queasy in my stomach, but try not to show it. Brianna looks scared, but like she is about to enter heaven. Mom looks at us both really seriously and says, “OK, ‘girls’. I have some medicine here that will prevent you from turning into ‘boys’ and help you to be the ‘girls’ you seem to want to be. I am only going to give it to you if you assure me one more time that this is what you really want. Also, if it is, I am going to have to insist that you be girls fulltime from this point on. I will set up some other appointments for you for after the first of the year, since I won’t be able to get you in anywhere before then. Until then, you are my daughters–including at school. So, is that what you really want?”
Bree almost melts and oozes out a barely audible, “Yes! Oh, yes, Mommy!” My stomach churns at having to go to school as a girl, but I nod and simply say, “Yes, Ma’am.” Inwardly, I am cringing, but it is to help Bree and it is only for a couple of months; just until after Christmas. How bad can it be? Bree has been feeling like she has been forced into the wrong gender for years. I can do this for her…
Mom… Mommy (I resolve to start calling her that, thinking of her that way, as a daughter would) has Bree bend over and gives her a shot in the rear and then one in the arm. Then she does the same to me. Finally, she gives each of us a pill and tells us to swallow it with a glass of milk. She says, “You will take one of these twice a day–one in the morning with breakfast and one in the evening before bed. The one you just took is your morning one for today even though it is afternoon, you will need to take another before bed tonight.”
Continued in Part 2.
The next morning, Mom…Mommy gets us up early and says, “OK, girls. We have a long weekend and need to get you settled into your new roles for school on Monday. I have to say, I know how to relate to girls much better than boys, but this is still an adjustment for me. So get up and help me get breakfast ready…”
We get up and I am still a little freaked out at wearing one of Mom…Mommy’s nightgowns. I put on some of her old fuzzy slippers and go downstairs in my ‘nightie’. Bree comes down a couple of minutes behind me, looking like she had woken up from a perfect dream, only to find that it is really real. She looks so happy–almost happy enough to make up for my trepidation. We help Mom…Mommy make breakfast and take our pills before we eat.
When we are done eating, Mommy tells us to get dressed in the clothes that she bought us last night. I follow an eager Bree up the stairs and go into my room. I pick up the panties that I had worn for the few minutes last night. I then pull on the jeans. I still marvel at how soft they are compared to my old ones. They are tight, but stretch. The bling on the rear pockets doesn’t really bother me, but the small pockets are a little strange. I put on the blouse again and still struggle with the little buttons that are on the wrong side. The socks are not really that different from what I am used to, other than that they are softer and have lace on them. The shoes…well, they are not uncomfortable, I guess, but a good pair of Nikes would be a lot better…
I get downstairs again ahead of Bree and find Mom…my in the kitchen. Bree comes down a few minutes later and Mommy says, “OK, girls. I have made an appointment at my…our salon. We need to get your hair styled and you really need mani-pedis… Then, we will do some mother-daughter shopping. It seems we have a lot of lost time to make up for…
A little later, we are Mommy’s salon, Claude’s, and she is introducing us to Sally, her stylist. Sally starts with me. Mommy and Bree give me moral support as hair extensions are added to my already semi-long hair which is then cut into a preppy teen style. She then starts plucking my eyebrows and keeps on until I am afraid nothing will be left. Finally, she adds professional acrylic nail extensions (1/4 inch) to my fingernails, followed by gel nail polish on both my finger- and toenails (metallic peacock blue). Bree gets much the same treatment after me. When we are done, we both have shoulder length hair–only mine is more curly, while Bree’s is straight. Bree’s nails are also more green, where mine are more blue.
After Mommy pays Sally well over two hundred dollars, we go to the mall. Our first stop is at the makeup counter at one of the major cosmetic stores. I may not have mentioned that Mommy is extremely sensitive about her looks–she wants to look perfect all of the time. That is why she went into cosmetic surgery rather than settling on psychiatry. It also means that if she ever finds out that we replaced her expensive makeup with cheap store-brand stuff, she will kill us. Anyway, I digress.
She takes us the counter and has the girl give us full makeovers, teaching us how to do it as she goes along. Once she is done, Mommy pays for us to each have a full set of cosmetics in the color pallet the girl had recommended. It was another several hundred dollars, but I will have to say, the makeup feels really good and looks awesome compared to what we had been able to achieve before.
We leave the cosmetic store and go into Claire’s next door. To my surprise, and chagrin, we leave with double-pierced ears and several pairs of earrings, each. I can’t get the picture of those huge sparkly ‘diamonds’ in my ears out of my mind as Mommy steers us to the Victoria’s Secret store.
I want to melt into the floor as she picks out a couple of weeks’ worth of lingerie for both of us. The panties are uber-girly and the matching padded bras are, well, that much more so… Mommy spends another fortune and we go to a different store where she gets us ‘medical grade silicone breast inserts’ for out new padded bras.
After that, we go to at least a hundred different clothing stores and try on thousands of dresses, skirts, and blouses. Bree is in heaven and I am in hell, but I put on a good face and we finally get to stop for a late lunch, with each of us carrying bags and bags of clothes, lingerie, and nightwear.
After lunch, we go to a shoe store and Bree and I each wind up with several pairs of heels and flats. Mommy says it is just ‘to get us started’. Finally, we go to several ‘accessory’ stores and she gets us several purses, belts, scarves, and lots of matching jewelry…
We finally get home around supper-time and I am exhausted. Mommy first makes us neatly pack away our boy’s clothes into bags and take them to the garage for the Goodwill store. Then she makes us neatly put away our new girl’s clothes in our rooms. After that, we have to come and help cook our late supper. Neither of us has any experience in cooking, since it is not something that we have ever helped with–we eat mostly at restaurants or take out anyways, since Mommy usually does not have time to cook after work. I find that I really like helping with the cooking–it is sort of fun, even if it is only grilled cheese sandwiches and canned soup. I also have to say, I don’t like cleaning up afterwards…
After all of the dishes are put away, I go upstairs to clean the makeup off my face. I sigh as I look in the mirror in the bathroom while washing off the makeup with cold cream. I take the moisturizer that the girl in the store gave us and use it like she instructed after I get everything washed off. Then I [i]really[/i] look at myself in the mirror. I see a young girl looking back–with long, curly hair and sparkly studs in her double-pierced ears. I sigh and use the special disinfectant on my ears, as instructed.
A couple of tears stream down my cheek as I wonder what I have gotten myself into. My butt still hurts from the shot Mommy gave me there and I don’t understand why we needed one in the arm, too. And the pills? Oh, well. Mommy is the doctor, but I will be glad when I can ‘rethink’ my feelings and go back to being George…
I go back to my room and put on some pink silky ‘pajamas’ that I take out of my drawer. It seems better to wear something with ‘pants’ than one of the nightgowns that are also in the drawer. There is still nothing even remotely masculine about this. I put on the really short shorts and then the frilly top that goes with the set–it still looks little like a mini-dress over the shorts. I have seen Mommy wear things like this; I think she called it a ‘baby-doll’ set at the store.
I exit my room just as Bree is coming out of hers; she is cleaned up and wearing a silky pale green nightgown. She whispers to me, “Geo…Gwen, are you OK? Maybe you should just tell Mommy that you have changed your mind now.” I shake my head and whisper back, “No, I promised that I would get you over the hump and I am going to do just that. I feel sort of silly dressed like this, but it is just outward appearances. And, hey, we probably would not have gotten our puberty as a Christmas present anyways, right? Come on, Mommy will wonder where we are…”
We go back downstairs to find Mommy also in a baby-doll similar to mine, only it is black. She asks me to make us some popcorn and turns on the TV. I come in with the popcorn just as she is going through available movies on Netflix. She clicks on Serendipity and settles back. She smiles as I sit down, inwardly groaning, but outwardly ‘happy’. She says, “Well, I must say it is nice to have girls to watch movies with–I love a good romance and could never watch them with my boys!”
Bree cuddles up to Mommy as she turns on the movie. I pull my legs up under me in my chair like I had seen Mommy do a lot and settle in to be bored to death. By the end of the movie I am bawling along with Mommy and Bree; I haven’t cried like this in a long time–especially not at a dumb movie. It is actually freeing being able to show my emotions without having to worry about what people think…
We all go to bed after the movie and I lay there for a while just thinking about how I feel. There is the physical stuff, of course–the silky nightwear feels nice on my skin–although the sheets are sort of rough in comparison; the slight pain in my ears; the pain in my butt. Then there is how I am feeling mentally. All things considered, the day wasn’t that bad. Yes, I had to dress up in girly jeans and a blouse and go shopping all day. I had to watch a silly chick-flick. But I got to do it with Bree and Mommy which is something we have not really ever done. Especially not with that level of ‘connection’. And Mommy was actually fun–not the semi-moody person she usually starts getting to be this time of year.
As I drift off to sleep, I decide that I will make it through this. Maybe, just maybe, it will be good for Mommy, too–not just Bree. That would be a huge bonus.
Mommy wakes us up at seven the next morning. Both Bree and I groan, but she is adamant that we get up, get showered, and get our makeup on. So, I get in the shower and use the new girly-smelling bodywash, shampoo, and conditioner that now populate my shower. It takes forever to wash my long hair–and tons of shampoo to get it to lather up. Don’t even get me started on how long it takes to rinse out all of the bubbles…
I finally get out and Mommy shows me how to put a towel around my head like a turban, so I can do my makeup. I stand in front of the mirror in my bathroom, in a short pink wrap-around thingy that Mommy had bought me yesterday (she showed me how to use that, too) and put on the makeup like I had been shown yesterday, well mostly–I had sort of developed my own style playing around with Bree for all of those weeks.
Mommy approves my makeup and shows me how to take care of and style my hair. It takes forever to get it dry, but seems to be easier to do than Bree’s, since I can use ‘scrunching’ gel and dry it, where she has to use a ‘straightening iron’ on hers.
Finally, we are ready to get dressed. Mommy has picked out our clothes for us today. We put on the soft, lacy panties and then she shows us how to put on our bras and insert the breast forms. Once everything is adjusted properly, the weight feels funny, but not too bad. I do, however, feel really weird wearing a bra.
She hands each of us a pair of pantyhose and tells us that we will wear them today for practice. She shows us how to put them on and then helps us into the dresses she has picked out for us. Mine is a pale yellow ‘chiffon’ dress (or so Mommy tells me) and Bree’s is a light blue cotton one. We help each other zip them up and put on the shoes that Mommy indicates. I put on a pair of light green ‘pumps’ with three-inch heels and Bree puts on a pair of red open-toed sling-backs, also with a three-inch heel.
I look at myself in the mirror and can’t believe it. I am a girl! There is nothing of ‘George’ left looking back at me out of the mirror. I look at Bree and hug her, knowing that what is a shock for me is her joy.
Mommy tells us to get our breakfast while she gets ready. We take our pills and have just finished our cereal and put away the bowls in the dishwasher when Mommy comes down, looking like a million dollars (as usual) and says it is time to go. We look at her quizzically and Bree asks, “Go where, Mommy?”
She just responds, “Well, shopping, of course! We still have tons of things we need to get you girls…”
Continued in Part 3.
It is a little hard for me to be cheery so early on a Saturday morning when I could be sleeping in, especially when the prospect for the day seems to be shopping again. Little did I know how bad it was going to get. We all get into the car and drive to the mall where we enter the adjacent Bed Bath and Beyond. This is where we ‘get’ to pick out new bedclothes and curtains for our rooms. Bree is ecstatic as she picks out pink, frilly ultra-girly stuff for her room. I try to be more conservative in my approach, since I will have to live with what I get as George if I have to get rid of my old stuff like my clothes. I find some stuff for the bed that is sort of neutral pale purple, although still more feminine than I would normally like, and get some girly pillows and accessories to ultimately satisfy the ‘feminine’ touch to the room.
After we walk around the mall for a while, we go into Pier One and Bree and I both pick out a new vanity and stool for each of our rooms, complete with lighted mirror to do our makeup. Then we are off to lunch. Bree and I are both surprised, however, when a strange girl joins us. Mommy introduces us to her, “Bree and Gwen, I want you to meet Julie. She is finishing up her degree in psychiatry and is going to do a paper on you two…”
The waitress politely interrupts us and we order our lunch. After she leaves, Julie says, “Yes, I was really lucky that your mother called Dr. Greene yesterday to set up an appointment for the two of you. I am interning with her at the moment and needed a project for my paper. Your Mom and she came up with this awesome idea!”
Mommy smiles and says, “Yes, girls. In between shopping yesterday, I had some time to make a few calls. Cindy Greene is a good friend of mine and a psychologist that is associated with my clinic. Things are really backed up right now to get you into therapy with her, so she proposed the idea that you be Julie’s project under her supervision.”
The waitress brings our salad and Mommy continues after she leaves, “I also talked to Principal Kline at your school and we both agree that it would best for you not to return there as Bree and Gwen, since that will likely cause a lot of issues that none of us are prepared to deal with at the moment. She suggested that we enroll you at St. Mary’s. I talked to Sister Schubert and she is agreeable to take you on after Christmas break to allow you some time to acclimate to being girls, before being enrolled in an all-girls school.”
She takes a few bites of salad before continuing, “Now don’t get too excited, you are not going to just miss several weeks of school. As part of Julie’s project, she will be your tutor for home-schooling during the day and will have a better chance to get to know you and follow your progress. She will also administer several psychiatric tests under Cindy’s supervision…”
The waitress brings our food as I sit there, completely stunned. We are going to St. Mary’s, the all-girls school? This is getting to be more than I bargained for. Bree, on the other hand is, once again, ecstatic and is bubbling all over Julie. I take a bite of my sandwich and think about what I have committed myself to for the next couple of months…
OK, so I get through this ‘home-schooling’ for the next few weeks, answer a bunch of personal questions and then…what? Well, go back to George–but I don’t know if it will be so simple now. I have to fool two shrinks now–three, if I include Dr. Greene…
I sigh and take another bite of my sandwich. Julie notices and asks, “Gwen, is something wrong?” I am taken a bit by surprise, but catch myself in time–before I say something stupid. I look at her sweetly and say, “No, nothing really. I am just looking forward to the change and it seems like such a long road…” She smiles and says, “It will go quicker than you think…”
After we get home, Bree and I have to take our old bed things off our beds and make them with the new stuff. Then we put up our new curtains and carry in our vanities. I set up my makeup on the vanity and look around the room–with all of my ‘George’ stuff gone and with the new ‘Gwen’ bed accessories and curtains, it is definitely more girly. Both rooms are still rather bare, since we don’t have a lot of girl things, other than our clothes, makeup, and the pillows and things in them. I sigh again and sit at the vanity for a few minutes then go downstairs for some sort of distraction.
Julie arrives early Monday morning, right before Mommy leaves for work, and gets a cup of coffee while Bree and I finish breakfast. When we are done and have put away the dishes, she gets out a couple of piles of paper and tells us to answer the questions on them. Sheesh! She just got here and we are already taking a test!
An hour later, Bree and I are done and we hand the tests back to Julie. She smiles and says, “Don’t worry girls, it is just for me to see where you are academically and what we need to work on to get you up to speed for St. Mary’s. They are probably further along in things than your old school. I will look at these tonight and we will get started on lessons tomorrow. Now, I know that you have just taken a school test, but I want you to take this other test as part of my project. Please answer the questions honestly and don’t think about the answers too much, just put down the first answer that feels right, OK?”
Bree smiles and I groan and she hands us the papers. It is another test similar to the COAGTI that we had taken online a few days ago. It asks a lot about our feelings and how we like math and music and stuff like that. Again, because I am already in so deep for now, I try and answer more like I think a girl would and quickly go through the questions. I hand the finished test to Julie and go to get a drink while Bree finishes up.
Julie quickly goes through the answers and has a strange look on her face when scoring one of the tests; I can’t tell which one, though…
After lunch, Julie gives us an essay topic to write about. She wants us to write what we like best about being girls now and why whatever that it is better than it is as a boy. I sit there and wonder what to write. I know that I have to put something down, so I think about the past few weeks…what, if anything do I like about being a ‘girl’?
I know I like the clothes better–they feel much nicer than my boy ones. I have gotten used to wearing the makeup with all of the practicing we have done; I have even sort of have gotten to like wearing it, which is something that boys can’t do… I really like helping to cook–but that is something that boys can do… While I still think the girly movie we watched was sort of lame, I definitely liked being able to show my emotions and not having to ‘be a man’ about my feelings.
So, I just start writing about the freedom that being a girl gives me as far as ‘being myself’. I really do like that aspect and will miss it when I go back to being George. As George, I won’t be able to show my feelings or emotions without being labeled a ‘sissy’ or worse. I decide to just let it out and the words sort of just flow onto the paper…
Julie reads our papers when we are done and she smiles as she reads one and looks a little stunned as she reads the other…she wipes a tear from her eye when she is done. She says, “Well done, girls. I think that is enough for today. Would you like me to help cook something for supper? Your Mom said it is OK for me to stay and eat, if I can help with the cooking. I smile a bright smile and say, “Yes, Julie, I would like to help. Bree isn’t into cooking so much, I think–so she can help clean up when we are done!” Bree laughs and says, “OK, deal. In the meantime, I am going to go read some in my Harlequin romance!”
Julie and I have a fun time making a huge homemade pot pie. I wash and peel the vegetables, then cut them up while we boil a chicken. Then Julie shows me how to make the pie crust from scratch. She says her mother is a great cook and taught her how to do all of this. Soon, we have the pot pie assembled and in the oven.
True to her word, Bree helps clean up the mess and so the kitchen is clean and the table set when Mommy gets home. After we eat, Julie goes into Mommy’s office with her and they talk for quite a while. Then Julie leaves for the night and we all sit down to watch another movie–another romance, of course…
And so, the next weeks go by quickly. Julie sets up a curriculum for us and we split the days between catching up on schoolwork, answering Julie’s project questions, shopping, and cooking. She also helps us with things that we would have learned as girls, but obviously could not have–so that we can fit in better at school. On top of that, she shows us a few craftsy things, like knitting, sewing, and embroidery that Mommy doesn’t have time to.
Because we are being taught in a concentrated ‘one-on-one’ atmosphere, academically we progress quickly and are ready to take the exams that we need to for St. Mary’s a week earlier than planned, which is three weeks before Christmas.
By this point, Bree is a tried-and-true girly-girl. Julie’s and Mommy’s influence on her, both over-the-top girly-girls themselves, is unmistakable. Me, well, I am by no means a girly-girl. But I have noticed that I am much more comfortable in my girl’s skin than I was before–I have even come to like a lot of the things about being Gwen, if not the continual shots and pills. As mentioned, Julie is quite open with us and lets us in on a lot of girl stuff. She is only about ten years older than us and still vividly remembers being in high school.
And Mommy, well, she has a totally different connection to us now. One that I really like. I have no doubt that she loved us as Jeff and George as much as she does Bree and Gwen, but she just is able to be more herself around us as the girls. And she seems relaxed; happy… If I go back to being George, I will miss that…
And that has me thinking about how to start backing out of this now. Julie is gone for the day and will be back tomorrow for her last day of teaching. We will take our ‘finals’ and she will tidy up some things for her project and then we will be on Christmas break.
So, I lay on my bed, still marveling at how much softer things are for girls. I look around my room now, it has small nick-nacks that make it look more like a girl’s room. A doll that Julie gave me, a scarf that I had started knitting and a piece of cross stich embroidery–both of which Julie showed me how to do… A few pictures that I had drawn of some pretty landscapes. A boy-band poster that Mommy got me as a joke…
I think about George–Bree is certainly established now and doesn’t need Gwen to hold onto that. But, what about Gwen? She is a part of me now, too. Do I want to let her go? Can I just let her go? George is almost a distant memory now, but not one I want to forget… While there is a lot to like about being Gwen, there is a lot to be said about being George, too.
I fall asleep mulling all of this over; but without coming up with an answer…
Continued in Part 4.
The next morning, I get up before the alarm goes off and take a shower. I had only slept in ‘spurts’ and feel a little tired. Between dreams and my mind just not turning off, it had been a long night, and I finally just gave up.
I get out of the shower and pat myself dry. As I do so, I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown used to the ‘girl’ that looks back at me, but, once again wonder if George is still in there? I go back into my room and sit at my vanity to put on my makeup. I can do easily so without much thought anymore, it just is like being on autopilot.
While working on my face, I think about the ‘finals’ I have to take today and how ‘George’ would have studied with Joe and Fred and met up with them before class to psych each other up. ‘Gwen’ does not have any friends, at least not outside Bree, and, well Julie, since it is obvious that I was not going to talk about what I am doing to either Joe or Fred. They would only try to talk me out of it. I simply texted them that I would not be able to hang or talk to them for a few weeks and would tell them why after Christmas… After I convinced them that I wasn’t sick or anything, they were pretty cool about it. I still miss them, though.
I hand Julie the last of my (academic) tests for the day and stretch in what she would consider an un-girly manner. I grin at her look and go to the kitchen to get a drink while Bree finishes up. A few minutes later, Julie and Bree come in and we sit at the kitchen table for a bit to unwind.
Julie looks at us and smiles, as she says, “Well, girls. This has been fun–it took me back to my highschool days and made me remember some of the math things that I thought I would forget forever… After we finish our break, I have a couple more psych tests to give you…” Right then, Mommy comes in, surprising us all… She smiles and asks, “Finals over?” Bree and I grin and nod our heads. Julie says, “I have one more psych test for them, but since you are here, can we talk about some things before I give it?”
Mommy pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down with us, then says, “Of course. I have the rest of the day off and I think that is a really good idea to talk at this point. I would like to hear what your assessment is.” She smiles and takes a sip of coffee. Julie gets up and gets a bunch of the papers that Bree and I had done over the past few weeks.
“Well, as you girls know, this has not only been an academic adventure, it has been a chance for me to evaluate where I think you are as far as being girls… But let me ask you this, how do you feel now, after a few weeks as girls? Bree?” Bree bubbles out, “Oh, I feel wonderful! I can’t wait until I start turning into a real girl–you know, body-wise.” Julie looks at her seriously and asks, “So, how would it make you feel if I told you that the shots you have been getting are really female hormones and that, together with the pills to stop your male ones, you are already turning into that girl?”
My heart stops as Bree squeals out, “Oh, that would be wonderful! Is it true?” Julie turns to me without answering and asks, “Gwen, how about you?” I am pale and shaking. I do my best to hide it, but am not quite successful. I take a breath as I sit there in shock. I am turning into a girl…there are hormones in me that are making my boobs grow and…and…more… I am conflicted and decide to answer honestly, “I don’t know. I am not sure what I want, to be honest. This is a bit of shock…” Mommy looks at me and asks, “But Gwen, you said it is what you wanted with all your heart. What changed your mind? Your sister seems quite ecstatic about it.”
Bree is nodding her head so hard I think it is going to fall off. I look at Mom and say, “I did it for Bree. She wanted to be a girl so bad, but was so afraid to say anything. I thought if we went through the first part together, it would help her…” I feel tears start to run down my face, and I am not ashamed of them–that is one thing that being Gwen has taught me. I continue, “I thought that a few weeks of blockers would not hurt me…a slight delay in puberty would be no big deal. I was not counting on you giving us hormones, too…”
Mom comes over and hugs me. She holds me tight for a few minutes and then says, “Honey, the pills were real. They were blockers, because, like you said, there was no real harm in giving them for the short period I was willing to. The shots? Well, let’s just say that you are well caught up on vitamin B…”
I look at her confused. Bree looks a little crestfallen. Julie speaks up, “Girls, your Mom really knows what is best. She had to know if you were serious–that is why she pushed you so hard.” She looks straight at me with a serious look and says, “Gwen, the COAGTI test you took for your Mom? It was apparent that you were trying to influence it–just like the ones you took for me. They are designed to help pick up on those types of things, since the results are used to make permanent changes. Bree’s was obviously real and she is one hundred ten percent girl, it seems.” She smiles at Bree.
She looks back at me and sighs, as she says, “But, you on the other hand, are not quite so simple, are you? I am going to give you another test in a bit and I want you to answer it completely honestly this time, OK?” I nod as she continues, “You see, I think you really aren’t the slam-dunk case to diagnose like Bree…”
Mommy smiles at both of us and says to Bree, “Why don’t you take your sister upstairs and help her get her makeup straightened out. I need to talk to Julie for a minute…” Bree and I go upstairs and she has me sit at my vanity and starts cleaning up the mess on my face. As she works, she asks, “Gwen? Why am I doing this? Shouldn’t we be cleaning it off so George can come back out?”
I sniffle and say, “Well, first, there is nothing for ‘George’ to wear, other than girl’s stuff. Second, Mommy said to–and I assume there is a reason–maybe she isn’t going to let me go back as some sort of punishment for lying. Third, I am not really sure I want to…” Bree gasps and asks with a huge grin, “You mean you may stay my sister?” I wanly smile and say, “I don’t know, Bree. I just don’t know…”
I hand Julie the finished psych test. I had answered completely honestly this time. It felt good to not try and game the test and am I really interested in knowing the results. Julie takes it and goes into the next room to score it, along with Bree’s last one.
Mommy looks at us and says, “I am sorry girls, for putting you through the wringer these past weeks. But, I had a feeling that one of you was not telling the whole truth and it is really hard to pull that out with conventional therapy. This was the surest way at getting at the truth, since nothing would have prevented you from just lying to the therapist as you did on the test. While we are really good at picking up on those things, proving them is another matter.”
She sighs and continues, “You don’t really know, I guess, that my clinic specializes in gender issues, among other things, so, while as a mother, what I did was a little rough; as someone trying to help one, or two, children with deep-seated issues, it seemed the best course. I have suspected that Bree had some issues for a while, but decided to wait until the first signs of puberty getting ready to hit before I pushed it. I thought maybe she would come forward on her own, but was almost ready to start asking her some hard questions. When Gwen came forward, too, I was a bit surprised, but had to know for sure… You are twins, after all.”
At that moment, Julie comes back in and says, “It is like I thought, Bree is solidly on the girl side. Every test she has taken confirms it without any conflict. While we have to throw out the other tests on Gwen’s side, this last one shows strong female tendencies–enough that most therapists would consider them significant enough to allow transitioning if that is what she wants. On the other hand, they are not conclusive like Bree’s.”
She smiles at the confused look on my face and says, “Gwen, what that means is that you are stuck somewhere in the middle and really have to make a choice as to where you want to go. The choice has been made for Bree, so it is easier for her.” Mommy hugs me and says, “It is OK, Honey, we will figure it out together. Julie, you said there were some other things besides the official tests to consider?”
Julie smiles and says, “Yes, at times I killed two birds with one stone during our lessons. I deliberately made some of the essays and papers thought-provoking and reading them has given me some insight into these two, aside from just spending time with them. You may or may not agree with my assessment, as their mother…and as a licensed psychiatrist, though.”
She hands the papers to Mommy and continues, “Bree has consistently shown female thought patterns…and a deep-seated love for her sibling. She also is extremely devoted to Gwen/George, but is much more introverted and in many ways dependent on her/him to express her feelings. This experience has taught her a lot and she is doing really well at coming out of her shell; thanks to the selfless act of jump-starting her transition.” Bree squeezes my hand to acknowledge the truth in this.
Julie looks at me and continues, “Gwen, on the other hand, showed in her papers that she is more the ‘go-get-it’ personality. She is much more extroverted and a little head-strong in her pursuits. So much so, that she may not fully consider the consequences, even if she thinks she has researched them. However, it fully came across in the papers that there are many things that she appreciates about being a girl over her life as George. If I were to hazard a guess, they may even outweigh the ‘guy’ things a tad.”
I sigh–I am so confused. Everyone is looking at me in an expectant way. I sigh again and say, “It is true, Julie. Mom, I am sorry that I lied to you. I really thought it the best way to help Bree. If I had just come clean and told you, she would have hated me for a while–and denied it; but, now I know that you would have handled it. Being Gwen has taught me a lot. And there are a lot of things that I like about being Gwen. But I am not sure that I am Gwen. I am also not sure that I am George, either though… Does that make sense to you? It sure doesn’t to me!”
Continued in Part 5.
I sigh–I am so confused. Everyone is looking at me in an expectant way. I sigh again and say, “It is true, Julie. Mom, I am sorry that I lied to you. I really thought it the best way to help Bree. If I had just come clean and told you, she would have hated me for a while–and denied it; but, now I know that you would have handled it. Being Gwen has taught me a lot. And there are a lot of things that I like about being Gwen. But I am not sure that I am Gwen. I am also not sure that I am George, either though… Does that make sense to you? It sure doesn’t to me!”
Julie looks at Mom, who comes over and hugs me again. She says, “Yes, Honey. What you are saying makes sense, although it is a really bad place to be. Here is the thing; it is up to you what you want to do right now. One thing to consider, though, is that you have spent fifteen years as a boy and you know what that is all about. You have now spent a few weeks as a girl, but in a highly sheltered atmosphere. You still don’t know fully what it means to be a girl, to go to school and have friends, or to have to really function as one. You could go ahead with the plans to go to St. Mary’s for a semester or two and see what it is like.”
She waits a beat, then continues, “Or, you can go back to being George right now and just continue back at your old school after Christmas. Your sister will be going to St. Mary’s, though, since that was my agreement with the school for you girls.” She waits a bit again, then finishes, “But, what you can’t do is go back and forth between being George and Gwen. You need to make a choice and stick to it for at least a few months before deciding to try something else.”
Bree comes over and takes my hand, as she says, “Sis, you took a big risk to help me and I love you for that. Now, you need to do the right thing for yourself. I hope that you will give Gwen a chance before you lock her away, though. I really feel down deep that you will regret not at least giving her a real shot–one for you, not for me.”
Julie chimes in and says, “You don’t have to decide right this minute, Sweetie. You can think about it a day or two, but you do need to decide something soon, since your Mom is right–switching back and forth is not good for you.”
I finish scooping out another dozen cookies and drop them on the cookie sheet. I put them in the oven and sigh. I am alone in the kitchen; Bree is getting her first real hormones and Mom and Julie are talking to her, while giving me some time alone to think. I am really confused about what to do. What Mommy and Bree said makes sense; to give Gwen a real chance that is.
I am scared to do it, though. I mean, while I was doing it to help Bree, she had me for support and I was focused on her. If I do it, it is completely different. Sure, Bree will support me, but she is not the strong one of us–and she is going to be dealing with hormones…
Julie comes in and smiles as she says, “Those cookies smell wonderful. You have turned into quite the successful baker and cook.” She takes a poignant pause and looks at me, just waiting to see if I want to say anything. I sigh and say, “Thank you. I really enjoy doing it and it helps me think.”
I pause a minute before I say, “Julie, I am scared. I think I want to give Gwen a try, but don’t know that I can really handle going full-time–in school and all. I mean that was never my intent when helping Bree. Just around here or going shopping with Mom and Bree, I don’t really have to interact much. And, when I do, it is with strangers…”
Julie takes my hands and says, “Hon, I think you are really brave and if you want to try it, I am sure that you will do much better than you think. But, I have an idea. I will bring someone over tomorrow for you to talk to–her name is Cathy and you have quite a bit in common with her…”
Mommy, Bree and I are sitting in the living room after Julie has left. I take a shaky breath and say, “OK, I think I have decided that I want to give Gwen a chance for a bit.” Bree squeals and comes over and squeezes me in a big hug. I playfully push her away and continue, “Julie said that she has someone that she wants me to talk to, because, honestly, I am a bit scared about this…”
Mommy squeezes my hand and says, “Sweetie, you are really a lot braver than you give yourself credit for. Look at the thing that you did for your sister–stupid as it was, it was very brave.” She smiles and continues, “If you are going to do this, I would like for you to commit to at least one semester at St. Mary’s. I would prefer longer to give you sufficient time to fully acclimate and know how you truly feel as Gwen, but that is up to you. We can revisit it when the semester is up.”
I nod, still really nervous, and say, “OK, I think I can live with that. Will I take hormones like Bree?” Mommy looks at me and asks, “Do you want to? I am not saying that I will agree to it, given your circumstances, but I would like to know what you are thinking.”
I sigh and say, “It was more a question than anything. I can’t say that I really want to take them, but how will I really know what it is like to be a girl without them?” Mom smiles and says, “Plenty of girls know what it is like to be a girl before they get hormones. It is different once you start puberty, though, I will admit. But, hormones cause changes to your body that can’t be reversed. Julie and I had a serious talk with Bree before I consented to giving them to her. Soon her body will start changing and there will be no going back…”
I nod at that and say, “I know. It will be hard to relate to her, though, if I don’t feel like she does.” Mom shakes her head and says, “Let’s put that on hold for now. I want you to talk to Cindy–and also to Cathy. Julie told me she wanted to introduce you two and I think it is a great idea. There are some options for you, but it is premature to consider them just yet… I will, however, keep you on the hormone blockers until you make a final decision on what you want to do.”
I answer the door and Julie comes in, a cute red-head, about Bree’s and my age, following close behind her. Julie introduces us, “Gwen, Bree, meet Cathy. Cathy this is Gwen…and Bree…” She points to each of us as she says our names. Cathy smiles easily and says, “Hi girls, it is nice to meet you.”
We go into the kitchen and I make us some hot cocoa, since it is really cold out today. As it is warming up, Julie says, “Bree, after we have our cocoa, I have some things I would like to discuss for my paper–just to make sure that I have it right. Gwen, can you keep Cathy company?” I smile and nod my head, as I say, “Sure. I think we should be fine.” Cathy giggles a little and says, “I am sure we will find something to occupy our time. Don’t worry, Aunt Julie.”
I raise my eyebrows at the ‘aunt’ and Julie says, “Cathy is my adoptive ‘niece’–we are not really related, but we have a sort of special relationship that just seemed like it needed to be formalized, you know?” I thoughtfully nod my head and pour the steaming cocoa into mugs and put some marshmallows on top to melt. I hand the mugs out and say, “Careful! It is really hot!”
Julie and Bree go into the dining room and Cathy and I sit at the kitchen table to sip our cocoa. After a few sips, Cathy says, “This is really good. It doesn’t taste like a mix, though.” I shake my head and say, “It is an old family recipe that Mommy showed me how to make. I find that I like to cook and bake…it is comforting.” Cathy nods and says, “So, Aunt Julie says that you are having some issues with your gender and maybe need to talk to someone your age that has been there? So…what would you like to know?”
My eyes must nearly pop out of my head. This girl is drop-dead gorgeous and has curves that just won’t quit. I feel more jealous than anything. I ask, “Don’t get me wrong, but you don’t look at all like you’ve ‘been there’.” I make air quotes with my fingers as I say it. She giggles and says, “Thanks! I will take that as a compliment. Almost two years ago, this was me.” She takes a picture out of her purse and shows it to me. It is a cute guy that could easily be her younger twin brother. She says, “Meet Craig. Craig was really conflicted about who he was and Aunt Julie helped me a lot when I was trying to figure out who I really was. Craig or Cathy.”
We talk for a couple of hours and Cathy tells me that Julie had noticed Craig’s conflict while administering a routine school test when she was doing a rotation there. She had convinced Craig to talk about it and had liaised with Dr. Greene to get him the help he needed, which eventually was to give Cathy a chance. She tells me how scared she was, but that after the first day, every day got better. She makes no bones about the fact that there are sometime problems with old friends or family, but that she is getting through that, as well.
I do feel much better after our talk. Julie and Bree come in just as we are coming to the end of our discussion and Julie says, “OK, girls. I think that a little mall therapy would be really good for all of you. You know, get out there and fight the crowds this close to Christmas. I will drop you off and pick you up when you are ready… Just three teen girls having some fun…”
Bree, Cathy and I walk the mall from one end to the other–and then back down the other side. We just look and try on things and make fun of each other… Cathy is fun and easy to talk to. I can’t believe it when she says that we should probably call Julie to pick us up, since we had been here five hours already. The time had just flown by. I can’t remember ever having so much fun at the mall. Not even with Joe and Fred at the arcade.
Julie picks us up twenty minutes later and asks, “So, did you girls have a good time?” We all giggle and start talking about some of the things we had done. Julie smiles and just listens to us chatter…
Continued in Part 6.
The next days go by quickly. Bree, Cathy, and I become inseparable friends and go to the mall a several more times, only now to actually shop. On one trip, we split up for a while and I get Mom, Bree, Cathy, and Julie their Christmas presents. I find that I am approaching the shopping this year from a totally different frame of mind, though. Normally, as George, I would just rush out and grab something that looked ‘cool’ or that they ‘probably, maybe, would’ like. This year, I think about the person, what I know about them, how they feel, and find it fairly easy to pick out really personal gifts. None of them are expensive, but they are thoughtful.
In our family, it has always been the tradition to open our presents on Christmas Eve. So, when that magical night arrives, Mommy, Bree, and I are sitting around the tree in quiet reflection. We smile at each other and then Bree reaches under the tree and pulls out the first present. I find that receiving presents this year is as different as giving them. I find it easier to see the meaning behind the presents–well, the serious ones anyways. Mom always has given us a bunch of gag gifts, too. It is strange to get girly gag gifts, though. Bree, Mommy, and I all giggle as we open them.
When we have opened all of the gifts, Mom asks me to go pour the eggnog and cut Aunt Janet’s fruitcake. None of us like the fruitcake, but we eat a piece anyway, because it is an old family tradition. As we make faces and swallow our obligatory bite, Mommy, says, “Girls, it is like a new beginning for us this year. It is like I have a completely new set of twins; my Christmas Twins. I will always remember this special Christmas with my two daughters. And, no matter what you decide to ultimately do, Gwen, realize that this Christmas has really helped me, as well. I know your father would be proud of both of you!”
We all hug each other and cry together for a while, missing my Dad–it is a painful grieving, yes, but, for the first time, a truly healing one for all of us.
The next morning, Julie and Cathy stop by really quickly and we all exchange gifts. After another round of eggnog and two emphatic “No’s” on fruitcake, we all hug and then it is just back to the three of us for Christmas dinner.
That night, I reflect on the past several weeks as I lay in bed. I am still happy as Gwen–I am pretty sure that I made the right decision to give this a go. I just wish I could experience it like Bree is–with hormones. I know that is a slippery slope, but I feel left behind somehow…
Julie stops by the house and brings Cathy with her. It has been two days since Christmas and I am wearing the soft, fuzzy sweater that Julie gave me, still marveling at how soft it actually is. George could never wear anything like this. Julie smiles as she sees me in it and gives me a big hug, as she says, “Get ready, girls. Bree, I am going to drop you and Cathy off at the mall for a bit. I need to steal Gwen away for a while, though.”
I quietly wonder what is going on, but know that there is no sense in trying to pester it out of Julie. She won’t tell me until she is ready. Finally, after we drop off Bree and Cathy at the mall, she says, “OK, Gwen, I know you are dying to know what it is up. Cindy had a cancellation and she really wants to get your sessions going before you start school–so we are going over there now…”
My heart is beating hard as we enter the building that I had only been in a few times before; and then only because we were visiting Mommy. This time, I am here as a patient. Julie takes me to Mommy’s office. She gives me a hug and takes me to Dr. Greene’s office. Mom introduces me to her and I vaguely remember seeing her from when we were here once before.
Mom leaves me alone with Dr. Greene and she says, “Well, Gwen, please call me Cindy. I am pleased that we are finally getting to talk. Your Mom has told me a lot about you and your sister.” She gives me a cup of hot tea and continues, “I am not going to repeat all of the tests that you have already taken. Julie has filled me in on all of that. I just want to talk a while, OK? Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”
I spend the next thirty minutes talking about George and Gwen and my decision to give Gwen a try. Cindy asks, “I understand that you are a little sad that your sister is getting hormones and you are not. Is that true? You want them, even though you aren’t sure what you want for yourself, yet?” I nod, embarrassed, and say, “Well, yes. I would like to be able to develop into a grown-up. My sister will start soon; all of my former friends are turning into guys; I am sure the girls at our new school are; and I am going to be stuck looking like a kid for who knows how long…”
Cindy nods her head and says, “Gwen, I want you to meet Amanda.” She pushes a button and the receptionist brings a sad-looking, but pretty girl into the office. Cindy introduces us and says, “Amanda, would you please tell Gwen your story. She is in a similar situation, as you.”
Amanda nods and says, “Gwen, I understand that you are stuck in the middle of the male body you were born in and what to do with the conflicting genders in your head. I was in that same spot a couple of years ago. Unlike your sister, whom I understand is certain of who she is, or Cathy, who is too, you and I are truly somewhere in the middle. Yes, I still am. I was impatient, however, and got ahold of female hormones on my own. I almost died, because I did not know what I was doing. I made irreversible changes to my body that I wish I could take back. I am not happier because I forced my puberty…”
She starts crying and Cindy hugs her and thanks her for sharing her story. Cindy looks at me and says, “Gwen, I know it seems like an unfair situation to you–and it is. However, you need to be sure of what you want before you make changes that can’t be taken back.” I look at Amanda and feels tears of empathy forming in my own eyes–along with tears of frustration. I ask quietly, “But what if I can’t decide? What if I stay stuck in the middle?”
Cindy says, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it. Shall we? Give Gwen a try. Then go back to being George for a bit. Then we will see if one fits you better.”
Continued in Part 7.
This is a shorter installment, since things are a little chaotic around the house for the Holidays, but I promise to get a full installment to continue the story as soon as I can. :)
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all. Happy Holidays, if you do not celebrate Christmas.
Amanda takes me to the building’s coffee shop and we get some hot cocoa. We are the only ones in the room, but we sit at a table off to the side, never-the-less. Amanda tells me a bit more about her story. It turns out that she was thrown out of her home when she was just twelve because her parents did not understand her. She was declared legally abandoned and put into the foster care system.
She tells me, “It is fairly easy to make some shady contacts in the system. Let’s just say, I was able to get my hands on hormone blockers and female hormones–for a price.” She won’t elaborate on that. She continues, “I started taking the hormones unsupervised and wound up taking the wrong dose. Over time, it started the changes that I thought I wanted. It was easy to hide the changes to my body, since I was shuttled from foster home to foster home. But the hormonal abuse also created a bunch of other medical issues. They wound up taking my testicles out because they were turning cancerous. Since I was already full-on in stage four of female puberty, they decided it was best just to have me finish that course.”
She takes a careful sip of the hot cocoa and continues, “I was brought here for therapy and that is where I met Mom. Dr. Greene took me in and has now officially adopted me. With her help, I am getting through this, but know that I will have to live out my life as a girl now. I may still have a penis, but that is really all that is left of the old me…other than the mental side… In a way, I guess it is easier to not have a choice, but it was stupid of me to not wait and try to figure it out right…”
I look at Amanda and sigh, “I know I should be patient. It is just so hard–I kind of wish I was like you; I wish someone would make the choice for me. The funny thing is, I did not even know I had this ‘problem’ until I tried to help my sister. She came out smelling like a rose!” I grin lop-sidedly and lightly stoke Amanda’s hand, as I say, “I am glad that you wound up with Cindy, though. My Mom thinks the world of her and I am sure she will help you through all of this, the same as she will help me…”
I take another sip of hot cocoa and get a frustrated look on my face. I change subjects a little, “You know what I don’t understand? Why can girls get away with being boyish, but guys are ostracized if they are girlish? I mean girls can wear boys’ clothes and it is ‘fashionable’. But if a guy were to wear girls’ clothes? OMG! There are whole fashion lines and hairstyles for girls that are more masculine than some of the stuff I used to wear as George. Why can girls get away with it?”
Amanda giggles and says, “Yes, can you imagine going out as George in a skirt? I don’t know, Gwen. I guess girls just did a better job of pushing society’s buttons. I mean it is getting some better. Guys can pierce their ears without too much horror–at least from the younger generations. I am not sure if it will ever be acceptable for boys to wear makeup or heels, though.”
We chat a while longer while we finish our cocoa and then Amanda takes me back to my Mom’s office. Mommy smiles at Amanda and gives her a hug as she thanks her. When Amanda is gone, Mom asks, “Well Gwen, what do you think of Amanda?” I smile and answer, “I think she is very nice and has had a sad life. I am sure that Cindy is good for her, though. Can we stay friends? I really like her”
Mom smiles and says, “I was hoping you would say that. Of course you can. What did you think of her story?” I roll my eyes, knowing where this is going. I say, “I heard what she said, Mom, but I still feel left behind. I am not sure I can go through with this. Maybe it would be easier just to bite the bullet and go back to being George–at least he has his own hormones.” Mom shakes her head and says, “Sorry, child, but I am not taking you off the blockers until we know which way you really want to go. I will not be responsible for pushing you in the wrong direction…”
Julie drops us off at the house and takes Cathy with her. Bree asks me about my morning and I tell her about Amanda. She is dismayed that anyone could be cruel enough to abandon their child like that and is excited that she is going to be a new friend to the family.
I ask Bree what it feels like to take the hormones. She tells me that she really hasn’t noticed much, other than a little tenderness in her breasts. I sigh and think about what Amanda had said. I resolve myself to waiting…
It is five days before school starts and Mommy has taken us to get our uniforms. St. Mary’s has a strict dress code–boring pleated plaid skirts, white blouses, knee high stockings, and low-heeled shoes. We each get five uniforms–enough to last us the week and then we go to a restaurant to have lunch.
As we are eating our salads, Mommy says, “Gwen, I think you have waited long enough. Bree has already told all of her old friends about her change. Since it is official now that you are not going back to your old highschool, at least for a while, I think you really need to let Fred and Joe know what is going on.”
I sigh and say, “I know. I feel really bad about not telling them anything. They think George is off on an adventure, which is sort of true. I am not sure how to tell them, though–especially since I don’t know if George is coming back, or not. At least Bree could make a clean break…”
Mom smiles and says, “Fred and Joe are good kids. I am sure they will understand about Gwen. They may be a little more mad at George for keeping it a secret–assuming they don’t know already. Bree did not tell anyone until school was out, but I am sure that the kids still are talking to one another on social media.”
Fred and Joe come together and ring the doorbell. I open the door and grin shyly at them. Joe says, “So, it is true? George?” I say, “Yes, Joe. Although, I am Gwen when dressed like this. Why don’t you and Fred come in and we can talk about it?” Thankfully, they don’t freak out and come inside. I take their coats and we go to the living room. Bree comes in and, before they know what happens, hugs them and says, “Hi Fred, hi Joe. Long time no see. Did you have a nice Christmas?”
Fred stutters out, “J…j…jeff?” Bree smiles and says, “No, it is Bree now. Why don’t I get you something to drink while Gwen brings you up to speed? I am not anywhere near as good in the kitchen as Gwen, but I can get you sodas.” She grins and goes to the kitchen.
I look at Joe and Fred and say, “I am really sorry, guys, that I did not tell you what was going on…” I continue on to tell them the whole story. Fred’s eyes get really big when I tell the part about going into Gwen-mode to force Bree’s hand at coming out. Joe gets really pale when I get to the part about thinking I was taking female hormones. Bree hugs me when I get to the end and says, “If it had not been for what George started–and continued as Gwen–I would not be here as Bree today and would still be miserable. I was even thinking about suicide…”
We talk for quite a while and the guys are OK with why I kept them in the dark, but make me promise that I will not close them out any more–regardless of whether I am George or Gwen. I surprise them when I give them a hug as they are leaving. I simply say, “Thanks guys, you are the best!”
Mommy comes home a little after they leave and I hurry over and hug her. When she gives me a questioning look, I say, “Thanks for pushing me into talking with Joe and Fred. You were right; they had heard rumors. They were still shocked to see us and hear our story, but they are good friends and we are going to stay that way–no matter what!” Mom smiles knowingly and hugs me back.
I wake up at the crack of dawn. It is a good hour before my alarm is set to go off and I had set it really early to give myself time to get ready. It is the first day of school at St. Mary’s and I am nervous–both because it is a new school and I am going as a girl… Deciding what to wear is not an issue. Putting on makeup is not going to be hard–only minimal is allowed by the school code. The thing that will take longest is just getting my below-shoulder-length hair dry…
I give up on sleeping anymore and go take a shower. I am downstairs making breakfast, fully dressed and ready, before Bree or Mom even think about getting up. Both come down about the same time and give me a hug as I hand them a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage links. We quickly eat, brush our teeth, and pile into the car.
Mommy parks the car and we all go to the admissions office. Sister Schubert is waiting for us and we fill out the last of the paperwork. Julie had already sent over our ‘exams’ and we had already been formally accepted, but had to actually show up to finish the last of the admission. It was decided to wait until today to make sure that I was going to go through with it.
Sister Schubert smiles and says, “OK, girls. Welcome to St. Mary’s. As you know, we are an all-girl school, so there is to be no question that you are girls. Your mother and Dr. Greene both have provided the proper affidavits and have assured me that you are both in transition, although it seems at a somewhat slower pace for Gwen. Is this all correct?”
We both nod our heads and say, “Yes, Ma’am,” at the same time. Sister Schubert looks at Mommy and asks, “They are both on male hormone blockers and female hormones, correct?” Mom says, “They are both on blockers and Bree is already on a full course of hormones. She has already entered stage two of female puberty. We are holding off on Gwen, for now.”
Sister Schubert says, “I see. And is there a reason that Gwen is not on hormones? I feel that it would make the board a little more comfortable if she were.” Mom says, “Gwen is not emotionally ready for hormones yet. Both Dr. Greene and I agree that having her go into puberty would not be good at this point.”
Sister Schubert sighs and says, “OK. I will inform the board. At least she is on blockers, but I assumed that both girls would be on hormones, at least low-dose, when I was willing to accept their applications. I cannot guarantee what the board will rule on this…” She pushes the button on an intercom and says, “Sister Martha, please bring in Katelyn.” She looks at us and says, “Katelyn is going to be your mentor for the first couple of weeks–just to get you acclimated to St. Mary’s…”
Continued in Part 8.
Next time: The first day of school–and the board’s decision…
The door opens and the cutest brunette you can imagine comes in. Sister Schubert introduces her to us and says, “Katelyn, these girls are your charges for the next few weeks. You know the drill. Since we are halfway through the year, they will have a little extra catching up to do on some things, but they have already proven they are up to it academically. Bree and Gwen, it is up to you how much of your past you reveal. Only remember that truth is a virtue.”
I am reeling a bit from that last part of Sister Schubert’s ‘speech’ as we leave. Katelyn hurries us along the hallways and tells us that we are going to English class with Sister Granger. She says, “Sister Granger is nice enough, but she has no tolerance for not paying attention. When we go in, you will have to introduce yourselves and then there will be three empty desks together in the back of the room. I will take the middle one. We will be allowed to whisper quietly if you have questions, but that privilege will only be for the first few days. Ready?”
I take a deep breath and nod. Bree is bouncing with confined energy and grins as she nods. Katelyn lightly knocks on the door and we go in. She takes us to the front of the class as the Sister announces, “Class, these are our two newest students. They are transferring in from the public school, so I want you to welcome them and show them why St. Mary’s is so much better. Girls, would you please introduce yourselves?”
A little hesitantly, I go first. I say in a low voice, almost a whisper, “Hi. My name is Gwen. Ummm, I am looking forward to meeting all of you and maybe making some friends…” Bree follows up in a bubbly voice, “Hi girls, I am Gwen’s twin sister. Like Sister Granger said, we are transferring in from the public system and are really looking forward to going here.” She looks like she is about to say something else, but then stops. She turns and smiles at Sister Granger, who nods and we go to our seats.
As we are getting our books out, I can’t help but think about how Bree’s and my roles have reversed. She is now the outgoing, self-assured twin and I am the shy, reserved one. I shake my head and open the book to where Katelyn points.
The morning classes go by rather quickly, although, the atmosphere is nothing like in public school. All of the girls sit quietly, unless called on, and pay full attention to the material. We get through a lot more material during the class than we ever would have at our old school and the homework just piles on.
I am glad when it is time for lunch. We all file out quietly and walk down the halls to the cafeteria talking only in hushed whispers. It is a little noisier in the cafeteria, but only because everyone is speaking in a normal voice. It is a far cry from the pandemonium that usually reigns in our old one.
Katelyn introduces us to a number of girls and we all sit and chat while we eat. I find myself opening up more, liking being able to just talk about how I feel about the new school, the classes, and…things in general. It is nice not to have to be macho and out to impress. Not to say there aren’t some mean girls at St. Mary’s, Katelyn has already pointed them out to us, but we have not had the ‘pleasure’ of crossing paths with them yet.
Afternoon classes are a basic repeat of the morning but the afternoon goes by a little slower than the morning. I feel like my head is quickly filling up, so much stuff is being thrown at us. Katelyn assures us that we will adapt to the pace quickly enough and tells us not to worry.
Finally, the day comes to an end and the school comes alive. It is not the same end-of-day chaos as at our old school, but compared to the rest of the day, this is anarchy. Girls are laughing and giggling, talking in normal tones, just being teenagers… Katlyn links arms with both of us and escorts us back to Sister Schubert’s office. She laughs and giggles with us and I am start to feel like I will fit in here.
Mommy arrives a few minutes later and we all go into Sister Schubert’s office. She starts out asking, “Well girls, how did the day go?” Bree bubbles her excitement all over Sister Schubert. I smile and am a little more furtive saying that it will be an academic challenge, but one that I am looking forward to. Katelyn affirms that we had no real issues.
Sister Schubert thanks Katelyn and excuses her, then she turns to us and says, “Well, I am glad that you are fitting in. It is just the first day, but you seem to be adjusting well. Now, to the matter at hand. The board held an ad-hoc meeting today. From what I understand, there was quite a bit of deliberation. It all boils down to this–there is no way, obviously, that they–we–can force Gwen to take hormones. That would be more than morally wrong. However, we also must look after the well-being of our entire student population.”
She looks straight at me and continues, “The board understands that Gwen is on hormone blockers and is mostly satisfied with that. They would strongly prefer that she be on hormones like her sister, since that shows a true commitment to the path of transition and removes certain potential doubts as to her gender and whether she fits in at this school. That being said, they also accept her therapists’ recommendations. They are willing to allow Gwen to stay without hormones–on a trial basis. It is ten weeks until spring break and her fifteenth birthday; a fully committed Gwen is more than welcome to come back after break.”
She lets that sink in, then continues, “The board, however feels that, given her sister’s impending physical developments, that too many questions will arise if Gwen is not also committed to her course by then. This is not to say, it is the board’s final ruling–things can always change, but short of Gwen starting to fully transition by then, the future for her at this school seems dim.”
She looks at Mommy and says, “Of course, you have every right to appeal that decision and speak to the board yourself. I would in fact encourage it.” She smiles at me and says, “Gwen seems like a bright young mind that would do well in our nurturing environment.”
I am quiet on the ride home. Life is seeming so unfair, right now! I did all of this to help Bree and now I am stuck in the hole that I have dug for myself. I think about the day and realize that I really enjoyed it. But I can’t really point out a single reason why. I really enjoyed the academic challenge; it is so much better than our old school–but is it that enough reason to stay Gwen?
I keep searching my feelings. I enjoyed the feeling of bonding and camaraderie with the girls. It was easy to relate with them, to just allow myself to fit in. I had my niche already carved out at the old school–and I know that I could go right back into it–but, it doesn’t feel right anymore. Joe and Fred are really good friends, but it took me years to build that relationship. I built stronger bonds with five girls today alone than I ever did with other guys over weeks as George.
I sigh as we get out of the car. I like the way I can relax with other people as Gwen–but then, why am I more introverted as her? Is that a girl thing? No, that can’t be it…look at Bree… I make a mental note to write all of this down in my journal so that I can talk to Cindy about it.
I feel like I did not get any sleep again. I was up late doing homework and then my brain would not shut down about what I liked more about being Gwen than George. I yawn and get ready before going down and fixing some breakfast. Bree comes down before Mommy and she asks me how I feel. I sigh and tell her, “I don’t know, Sis. I am confused. I knew that helping you was the right thing to do because it was so obvious to me that you needed to be Bree. I wish it were so obvious to me what I need.”
Bree hugs me and says, “Gwen, I love you dearly, but sometimes you can be infuriating! It was not obvious to me either what I needed to do. I didn’t want to listen to you, either. I likely owe my life to you for forcing me to publicly embrace Bree. I know you are happy as Gwen. I also know that you miss some of the things about being George. I don’t think a girly George is you, but nothing says that you have to be an uber-girly Gwen…”
I hug Bree and say, “I don’t know. I guess it is something to think about. I am not sure that being a tomboy the rest of my life is what I want to be either. That is what is bothering me so much. Right now, it is like those are my only two options; a really feminine George, or a somewhat tomboyish Gwen. Neither seems just right…”
Mommy meets with Sister Schubert and the head of the board the next day. After school, she tells us, “Well, he seemed to understand things a little better, but still refused to budge, for now. He said that the other parents would not understand why Bree can be in full transition and not you, Gwen. He says he consulted with their lawyer and that legally it was a grey area and we could obviously challenge it if we want. He did reiterate, though, that the board was willing to revisit the situation during spring break. It is up to you, Gwen. What do you want to do?”
I sit and think a few minutes before responding. There is no way that I want this to go to court; that would be stupid, since I don’t feel like I am fighting for any sort of cause here–although, so far, I really like St. Mary’s. I still have no idea what I want. Finally, I say, “Let’s just wait a while and see how it goes. I have my session with Cindy tomorrow and I want to talk to Amanda, too. I really like St. Mary’s, but I don’t think that I am ready for some sort of fight over me being there…”
Mom nods and says, “OK, Gwen. I understand and agree with you. I don’t want to wait until spring break to have some sort of back-up plan in mind, though.” She hugs me and I go to do my Mt. Everest of homework.
I am standing at my locker the next day, sorting through books, when I feel a hug from behind. I hear a familiar voice say, “Been hiding from me? This is your third day and I haven’t seen you at all!” I turn in surprise and exclaim, “Amanda? You go here, too?” I see Amanda in the same boring uniform that I am wearing. She nods, “Yes, I have been going here since Mom adopted me.” I knew Amanda was a class ahead of me, but had no idea that she was a St. Mary’s girl.
She smiles and says, “I know you have a session with Mom right after school. I offered to give you a ride over there, since I am going anyways. Meet me out front right after we get out, OK?” I smile as I nod and say, “Sure! See you then!” We part ways. I find Bree and Katelyn and our day begins.
I climb into Amanda’s convertible Mini and say, “Sweet! I bet this is a lot of fun in the summer!” Amanda giggles and says, “Yes, it is. It was my ‘adoption present’ from Mom. I never would have pictured anyone caring enough to adopt me, let alone give me a car. Yet, here we are!” She roars off and we drive towards the building where our Moms work.
Amanda gives me a sidelong glance and asks, “Cocoa after your session?” I smile at her and say, “Yes, please. I would really like that!” She parks and we go into the building. I stop by to see if Mom is busy and find that she is with a client, so I go and sit in the waiting area. I take out my biology book and get through our assigned chapter for the day just as Ellen, the receptionist, calls me in to see Cindy.
I take out my journal and sit down at the table. Cindy joins me and we get straight to business. I tell her about the school board’s decision and she nods. She and Mom had already talked. She asks, “So what do you think?” I tell her about my inner turmoil and show her my journal. She reads the section that I show her and takes a deep breath. Finally, she say, “I can’t give you the answers, Gwen. I can help you sort through the options, though. You are correct, going half-way, either way would be a really hard road. If you are a girly George, you will face a lot of ridicule and discrimination–although, it is getting better. If you are a boyish Gwen, you will face fewer struggles to begin with, but, with time, you will be expected to ‘grow out of that phase’.” She makes air quotes as she says that last part.
I sigh and say, “I know. I just feel like I am both right–neither fully George, nor fully Gwen–sort of like I am a mix… I am really at a loss as to what to do.” We talk for the rest of the session and it feels good to hear Cindy’s unbiased thoughts, but I am no closer to a solution when we are done than when we started.
I wave at Ellen on my way out and walk to the cafeteria. Amanda is busy doing some homework, so I go and order us some cocoa before I put my bag down at her table. She looks up and smiles as I go get the hot drinks. I set them down and take a seat. Amanda thanks me and asks, “How was the session?”
I take a careful sip of the hot, creamy chocolate and shrug. I sigh and say, “Well, I don’t think we resolved anything. I still don’t know who I am.” Amanda giggles and asks, “Do any of us? We aremaking it and just let it come naturally. I have faith in you that it will.”
I smile brightly and say, “Well, that is easier said than done--but it makes more sense than anything else said today. I will try…I guess I can bury myself in my homework to forget…” Amanda groans and says, “No, that is not what I meant. You just need to live. You started out forcing things to help Bree. Then you were sort of eclipsed by her development. Stop living in her shadow. Start living in the light again. See which way it pulls you…”
I go and hug her, as I say, “Thank you, Amanda. I think that is what both of our Moms have been trying to tell me–but it actually makes sense that way. OK. I am just going to relax and see where it takes me. Right after I finish my homework!” Amanda groans as I start unpacking my books…
Continued in Part 9.
Next time: Can Gwen just go with the flow and relax? What will her big decision be?
The next two weeks go by in a blur. Classes at school are challenging–and I love them! Homework is in overload–and I don’t mind. Socializing at school is becoming easier day by day and I find that I am really starting to enjoy the inclusion in different groups as Gwen. George was always a bit of a geek and Gwen is allowed to show that side, as well. However, Gwen enjoys her artsy side–a side that George always suppressed. I even sign up for after-school ballet lessons and find them quite stimulating.
And then–there is Amanda. I bump into her at school at times and we always share a smile. She takes me to my sessions with her Mom twice a week and we always share cocoa and a good talk afterwards. I find her company extremely comforting. We understand each other and talking comes easy to us. I find I am spending more time with Amanda now than with Cathy.
Bree and I are connecting more and more as sisters now. We talk about things that we never would have dreamed of before–well, at least me as George; I am not so sure that Jeff didn’t dream of them… My time with Bree is getting a little usurped of late, though. Fred and Joe come by quite a bit to hang out–and Bree and Fred seem to be getting along a lot better than Jeff and Fred ever did!
Bree, Cathy, Amanda, and I meet at the mall on Saturday afternoon. Bree and I are in our fourth week of school at St. Mary’s and I still love the academic challenge. I find that I am growing more and more into the person of Gwen. I also find that Bree’s now readily visible body changes are starting to bother me. She has grown over an inch taller than me and is getting her curves. I, on the other hand, look like every day old me. I am starting to get a little self-conscious about my looks.
To my surprise, we run into Fred and Joe at the food court. Later, Bree giggles and admits that she may have mentioned to Fred that we were planning on going… Bree and Fred split off from the group to go exploring in one of the department stores; it seems Fred needs a new pair of jeans…
Even more to my surprise, Cathy and Joe seem to hit it off. Amanda and I just giggle and leave the two drinking a milkshake and go to find something that will help my bruised ego. We go to a lingerie store and Amanda talks me into trying on a corset. The girl in the store and her both assure me that it will help give me some of the curves that I feel I am missing. I am pleasantly surprised that it is not as uncomfortable as I feared.
I leave the store wearing the corset and Amanda takes me to one of the shoe stores and I pick out some three-inch heels, which are a good inch taller than anything I would normally wear. I leave the store wearing those, as well. When we meet back up with Bree and Fred, I am much closer to her height–at least it feels it like it and Fred whistles at my narrower waist, which Amanda had accentuated with a tight belt. Bree playfully slaps his arm and tells him to keep his eyes off of me.
We find Cathy and Joe still sitting in the food court. We coax them out into the mall and we all just walk up and down the stores for a while. Bree is, of course, holding Fred’s hand. Before long, Joe takes Cathy’s. I try and concentrate on the clicking of my new heals on the marble floor to avoid that ‘left out’ feeling, when to my ultimate surprise, Amanda puts her arm around my waist and pulls me closer to her. I look up at her face, she is still several inches taller than me, even though I am in heels. She just smiles and gives my waist a little squeeze.
My next meeting with Cindy is awkward for me. I let her read my journal; something that I don’t have to do, but have always done. She smiles when she gets to the entry of our day at the mall–and my confused feelings. She says, “So, Amanda told me that you had a lot of fun. How did you feel when she put her arm around you?” I fiddle with a paperclip on the table and finally say, “Well, I think my journal sums it up. A little confused. I have to admit that I really liked it. I felt…good. But I don’t know if it was just because I felt left out with the others holding hands. For that matter, I don’t know if that is why Amanda did it–because she felt that way, too.”
Cindy looks at me seriously and says, “Well, Gwen, you are going to have to hash that out with Amanda. But, for argument’s sake, let’s say she is interested in you. How would that make you feel?” I fiddle some more with the paperclip and quietly say, “I think I would like it. I know Amanda is different–even as a transgendered girl. I know that she acts and dresses like a girl because that is how she feels best. I also know that she does not intend to go forward and have SRS. I don’t know what that makes me if I like her. Gay? A lesbian? Bi? It is strange…”
Cindy remains silent and lets me just reflect a bit. Finally, she says, “Gwen, Hon, does it matter? If you like Amanda, or a boy, or a girl–and they make you happy–what difference does it make who they are? You are right. Getting into a relationship with Amanda would be complex for you–the same as it would be for her with you.” She smiles and continues, “Again, I will leave that to the two of you to hash out. Just know that you have my support if the two of you decide to give it a try–and I know your mother would be fine with it, as well.”
I meet up with Amanda in the cafeteria after my session and ask her, “Do you mind if we go somewhere more private? Your Mom said we could use her conference room. I will get the cocoa.” Amanda nods and carries my books while I carry the hot cocoa to the room. Amanda closes the door behind us and asks, “What’s up? I guess Mom talked to you about…us?” I nod and nervously ask, “Yes–so, what about…us? Were you just being nice at the mall?” Amanda takes a sip of cocoa and smiles. I squirm a bit until she says, “Yes, Gwen. I was being nice–but I was not just being nice.”
I give her a puzzled look. She giggles and continues, “I have been trying to figure out how to best broach the subject with you for a while now–the mall was the perfect opportunity. I could tell you felt left out…so I took advantage of the opportunity. So that brings up the question–will you be my girlfriend?”
My stomach does a loopty loop and I take a sip of hot cocoa to hide my embarrassment. I take it too quickly and burn my tongue. Finally, I ask, “Your girlfriend? What if I decide to go back to being George?” Amanda laughs and says, “Gwen, if you decide to do that then we will just have to see how well I like George. I know I like Gwen. You are cute. You are funny. You are a shy, but real girl. I honestly cannot picture you as a guy, Gwen.”
I nurse my burned tongue a minute and say, “Amanda, you know that any relationship that we enter beyond just friends is going to be really complicated, right?” Amanda shakes her head and says, “I don’t think so, Gwen. The way I see it, I am a guy that looks like a knock-out gal. I have come to not only accept that, but embrace it. I will continue to dress like a woman and take female hormones, but I will keep the parts of my old self that I still have. I can’t have children, but I don’t mind adoption.”
She blows on her cocoa and takes a sip. Then she continues, “You are still unsure of yourself, but I am not. All I see is a girl. One that needs to come out of her shell, but a girl none-the-less. I know that there are some guy things you miss–and I am totally OK with that. I get it. But don’t deny yourself your inner peace because of a few misplaced doubts. If you want, go back to being George for a bit–but I promise you that you will hate it.”
I sit back stunned. It is the first time that Amanda has been so blunt with me about me. Amanda smiles encouragingly and takes my hand gently in hers. She asks, “So, how about it, Gwen? Will you be my girlfriend?” Still stunned, I nod and Amanda giggles as she pulls me over to her and gives me a gentle kiss on the lips.
I have never been kissed before and I certainly never expected my first kiss to be like this. I find that I sort of melt inside and pull back breathlessly when Amanda softly breaks the kiss. I shakily smile and say, “Well, I guess we should let our Moms know…”
I am in the kitchen talking to Mom. Bree is over at Fred’s house and it is just the two of us, so we are making a simple salad for supper. As we sit down to eat, Mom is telling me about some of the research she is doing, “I have not really found much, Gwen, but it only makes sense. It is why I pushed a little hard on you trying out Gwen. The leading theory is that transgendered children, among other things, are flooded with the opposite hormone of their physical gender in the womb. This creates a dichotomy between the child’s physical and psychological gender. If that is true, there is no way that Bree could have been influenced and you were not…”
I munch on my salad and mull over that. I swallow my bite and ask, “But that can’t be the only factor, right? I mean, look at me. I am growing into this–and admittedly it is feeling more and more right–but if that was the only factor, then I should have been as fully committed to this as Bree.” Mom nods and says, “There are many things that factor in. Your upbringing for one. You were always a lot closer to your Dad than Bree. She was always more a Momma’s girl, as you know–although, she never would have helped in the kitchen like you.”
She giggles and continues, “Anyway, your more intense contact with your Dad probably influenced you to override your internal desires–to build up those ‘male’ expectations. Your feminine desires would have likely come out later in life, though. Your push to help Bree likely has saved you a lot of grief later in life.” I chew on that for a bit, along with my salad, and sigh. I swallow my last bite and say, “Well, this corset certainly won’t let me eat a lot, but how about we make something low-cal for dessert?” Mommy giggles and we go to look through the cookbooks…
Continued in Part 10.
Next time: Break is coming up and Gwen has a decision to make.
Before I know it, it is time for break. School has been a blast; I think I learned more in these last few weeks than in an entire year at our old school. I also feel much more comfortable in the setting of an all-girl school–I don’t feel like I don’t belong. On the contrary, I feel like I fit in–like one of the girls.
Amanda and my relationship has grown significantly. She gave me a ‘friendship’ ring and I proudly wear it. When Bree and Mom saw it, there was a lot of hugging and girly squealing, but they are both really happy for me. Speaking of Bree, she is now no longer, in any way, to be mistaken for a former guy. Short of taking off her panties, there is no way anyone could know. She is a full B-cup and still growing, she has all the right curves, and she is a full three inches taller than me. She is turning into quite the babe. I am happy for her–and quite envious.
As for me, well, the corset is no longer uncomfortable at all–even tightened down and pulling my waist in a full 4 inches. It is a nice feeling to have an 18-inch waist–two full inches narrower than Bree’s! Otherwise, I am as undeveloped as ever. With no active hormones in my system, how could I be? I have recurring nightmares of growing old, but not ‘growing up’…
On the last of day of school before break, I am called into Sister Schubert’s office. Mom is waiting outside the office and we enter together. Sister Schubert smiles and says, “Well, Gwen, you have really done outstanding so far this year. It would be a shame to lose you. Have you decided what you want to do, yet?” Mom answers for me, “Sister Schubert, as you are well aware, we see this as a sort of blackmail on the board’s part. While I don’t want to stoop to legal action, I will have to consider it, if they make my Gwen take an action that could harm her emotionally or physically.”
Sister Schubert nods her head and says, “I don’t blame you at all. I personally don’t agree with their decree, but my hands are pretty well tied on the matter. Have you considered another meeting with them? It is obvious that Gwen is adjusting–just the dedication it takes to wear a corset full time is telling!” Mom nods and says, “Yes, we have another meeting later this evening. I think you may have to consider this Gwen’s last day, though–depending on how things go.”
Sister Schubert gives me hug and wishes us both good luck. Mom and I leave and find Bree. We all go to our favorite restaurant to celebrate making it to break and then Mom drops Bree off at Fred’s while we go back to school to meet with the board.
“You have to understand, Ms. Greene, that we can only make exceptions for transgendered girls. Gwen does not fit into that category.” The chairperson was being really obstinate about this whole thing. Mom puts that dangerous smile on her face that I know means trouble and says, “Well, first, it is Doctor Greene and I happen to know that Gwen does meet the definition. She is living full time as a girl, is under psychiatric care, and considers herself a girl. Nowhere does HRT fit into the definition of being transgendered. On the contrary, being transgendered is the pre-requisite for HRT–at the doctor’s discretion.”
The chairperson, does not back down and asks, “So, does her doctor say that she can’t be on HRT?” Mom shakes her head and says, “First, that is confidential information. Second, it is irrelevant. Shall we continue this whole conversation in court? I am sure the Catholic Church would love another scandal in the news…” The chairperson pales and says, “Ummm, no, I don’t think we need to go that far. Let us deliberate and we will let you know our decision by next week.”
The first day of break, I just sleep in. It is great! I get up and find Bree already gone–to Fred’s. To my surprise, the doorbell rings just as I am getting my breakfast. I am still in my nighty, so I pull on a robe really quick and answer the door. Amanda rushes in and gives me a big hug. She laughs and says, “It is about time you got up, sleepy-head! I sent you like 30 texts.” I make extra pancakes and then she shoos me upstairs to get dressed.
Amanda takes me to her favorite spa and we spend the afternoon getting pampered, at her Mom’s expense. When we are done, my skin is ultra-smooth and soft, my hair luxuriously soft and shiny, and my nails are long and perfect. I feel like a million bucks. The weather is starting to get more spring-like and it is an unseasonably warm day, so we roll down the windows (it is still too cold to put down the top) and just ride around a bit. Finally, Amanda stops at a secluded park and we kiss a while…
The week goes by in a blur. Amanda and I spend a lot of time together, both alone and in ‘doubles’ with Bree and Fred. Of course, we also do things in our larger crowd. It is completely relaxing and I feel really good. So, when the letter from the board comes in, I am totally bummed–not knowing what to expect. I wait for Mommy to come home and we open it together…
Mom reads it out loud and when she gets to the important part–goes completely silent. I look at her irritated and whine, “Mommy! What did they say? What is the verdict?” She smiles and says, “They gave in. You can continue at St. Mary’s without hormones.”
I smile and then blow out my breath loudly. Mommy looks at me and I say, “I have been thinking. Now that the pressure is off to HAVE to take the hormones… Well, … Ummmm….” My voice gets small, “Well, I want to start them…” I blush. “We won…and I…want to develop–like Bree.”
Mommy looks at me, shocked. She is quiet for quite some time before she says, “I see. And what brought this on? I thought you were not sure what you wanted?” I sigh and say, “Well, I am happier as Gwen in St. Mary’s than I have been in a LONG time. Amanda and I are happy–and I like that. I feel good as a girl…”
She studies for me for a while, then continues, “I don’t know, Gwen. This seems sort of sudden…” She gets her cell phone and makes a call. She put it on speakerphone and says, “Cindy, Gwen has an announcement. I would like your take…” We spend the next hour talking about my decision and finally Mom gives in. Cindy seems to be on my side…
I rub my butt. Mommy says, “OK, Sweetie. You are probably going to feel sick to your stomach in the morning. I gave you something to minimize that, but it will likely not suppress it all of the way. It is normal. You will go on the same regimen as your sister, only stronger. Nothing that we have done is permanent, YET. But, after about six months, or so, I will not easily be able to reverse the changes that this institutes…”
I go to bed that night wondering if I had really made the right choice–and dreading throwing up–I remember Bree doing for it for weeks…
I pull my hair back and convulse one more time violently over the toilet. I wipe my mouth with a cool washcloth and rinse my mouth out. Breakfast sounds like a terrible idea, my stomach revolts at the mere thought and I fight the urge to bend over the toilet again…
Amanda pulls me into her arms and squeezes me tight. She says, “I know she is not supposed to, but Mom told me what you are going to do… Wait, you already have haven’t you?” I blush in admission. Amanda squeals, “You really are my girlfriend now!
The next week goes by quickly and by the time school starts back up I am no longer getting sick in the mornings. We don’t tell the board that I am taking hormones now–it is none of their business; although, they will likely know soon enough when I start changing–my breasts are already getting sore and tingly. The meds Mommy is giving me are really strong–much stronger than Bree’s even.
I don’t really let anyone else know about my decision. Amanda and Bree are the only ones that know. I feel good, if still a bit apprehensive, about my decision. It just feels good to have made a decision, though. At least I am moving forward and am not stuck in hormonal limbo anymore.
Continued in Part 11.
Next time: Gwen becomes official.
Being on the hormones is like nothing I can describe. It was something that I had wanted without even knowing it. I just thought I knew. I started thriving on them…after my body adjusted to them. It did not take long; like I said…a few days of nausea and throwing up. Weekly shots, then monthly ones, then finally hormonal implants—like Bree… But, where Bree flourished…I blossomed…and I glowed in the brightest light you can imagine. Over the next few months, I grow four inches taller…overtaking Bree by an inch. I grow into a full C-cup, plus a little. I develop a figure that is to die for—in part because of my weeks spent in a corset. All of that is irrelevant, though—all that really matters is that I am HAPPY!
It is Christmas Eve and we are once again around the tree. All of our friends celebrate Christmas morning, so we are gathered at our house for our family—and now friends—time. Mom is in a little piece of heaven. Bree is sitting next to Fred—handing out presents. Cathy is with Joe. Cindy is pouring hot cocoa. I am sitting next to Amanda. It is a peaceful time—it is a somber time. I smile at Mom—grateful that she has found peace… She gets to open the first present.
I sit there, relishing being with our friends—relishing Amanda’s touch and presence. I think back over the past year…my journey since I fully committed to being Gwen. Of course, the school had a fit when they noticed I was developing. They accused us, well Mom, of lying, deceit, and a few other choice allegations… I just smiled and Mom slaughtered them… Sister Schubert still grins at me when I pass by her in the hallway.
Don’t get me wrong, life was not all roses. My breasts and nipples hurt; I got clumsy as I went through my growth spurt; I got moody and Mom and I got in terrible arguments; and…I got curves…and it made up for it all; Mom and I made up…
Bree and I became better sisters than we were ever brothers—and we were pretty damned good ones (brothers that is). I made some really good friends, like Cathy and Amanda—and renewed old friendships with Joe and Fred; albeit in a whole new light. I also found that, after I finally made the choice to permanently be Gwen, that my newfound shyness as Gwen disappeared and I was back to my outgoing old self. I have lots of new friends at school now…I guess you could say I am sort of popular, even.
I pull myself back from my reflections to watch Mom—she is opening my present. I smile in anticipation… It is a picture I drew—a charcoal—of Bree and I, only it has George and Jeff in it, too… Mom cries openly and gives me a huge hug as Bree hands out the next present…
The evening goes on and we all open our presents and enjoy each other’s company. It is a peaceful time; it is a somber time… We all reflect on the past year and look forward to a new year; to new challenges. We look forward to a new life and new beginnings. I open my present from Amanda and kiss her. We refresh our cocoa and the last present is opened…
Mom turns on “It’s a wonderful life” and we sit back—all of us content. Finally, we are all at peace.
I apologize to my readers for taking so long to bring this series to a close. My intent was to finish last holiday season, but time got away from me and family took precedent. As portrayed in this chapter, the Christmas season is a special time for me—it IS a peaceful time and a somber time. I know that not everyone celebrates Christmas, but I hope that the spirit of that reflective time is in everyone’s heart, regardless of spiritual beliefs and personal times of celebration. Let this be an early beginning to that season…and a late ending to this particular novel. Happy (early) Holiday Season to All!