Young Danny moves to Thailand with his mother after his father's death.
He meets a cute young girl that has a group of guys that is bullying her.
Danny decides to defend her...

I sit beside my Mom in my black suit and tie, trying really hard not to cry. It is raining, as if the skies are not afraid to weep for my father as I am. My Dad, a sergeant in an elite mountain unit was killed in Afghanistan a week ago and we are laying him to rest today. I look around at the sea of black umbrellas and jump as the guns go off, saluting him. Finally, my tears start flowing–Mom had never discouraged me crying, but it did not seem like something that Dad would have condoned.

Mom, takes my hand and leads me away from the grave site. She has the flag that had been draped over his grave hugged close to her breast with her other arm. A uniformed man is holding a dripping black umbrella over us until we finally get into the back seat of the limousine.

I watch as the grey city scenery flies by, tears still rolling down my cheeks at times. Mom hands me a Kleenex from her purse and I wipe my nose, sniffling a bit. Finally, the driver drops us off at the departure section of the airport and takes out our suitcases. Mom once again takes my hand and leads me to the curbside check-in. She checks our luggage and leads me inside to the ticket counter where she shows our passports and gets our boarding passes. We then make our way through security and to the gate. My Mom had just accepted a job for the embassy in Thailand when the uniformed men had come and told us about my Dad. We were now on our way to a new life in some remote area of Thailand–for how long remains to be seen.

As we are sitting there waiting at the gate, a pretty lady in a stewardess uniform comes over and kneels next me. She smiles at me and says, “Well, don’t you look all nice dressed up in your suit. What is your name and how old are you?” I look at her sadly and say, “We just came from my Dad’s funeral, he was a soldier, and we are now on our way to Bangkok for my Mom’s new job. I am eleven–almost twelve.” Mom squeezes my hand and smiles sadly at the attendant whose own smile twitches a bit. She hands me a coloring book and some crayons and says, “I am sorry to hear that, Honey. Would you like something to drink, or a snack?” I shake my head no and thank her as she goes back to her desk.

Soon enough, we are boarding the plane. After the lady had found out our situation, the airline gave us a free upgrade to business class and I am in awe at the size of the seats. Mom is very grateful and thanks the lady a lot as we board. She just squeezes her arm and tells her again how sorry she is.

I sleep a lot of the trip and am wide awake when we finally arrive. Mom looks even more tired than before, but takes my hand and leads me off of the plane and into the airport. We go through passport control and get our bags before going out and finding a taxi to take us to our hotel. Even though it is 9 a.m. here, it is six p.m. in Los Angeles and Mom is totally wiped out when she unlocks the door to the room. We just pull the bags through the door and Mom tells me she needs to lie down a bit and collapses on the bed in her room. I turn on the TV out of curiosity but, of course, I can’t understand a thing, so I decide to read some.
Mom finally gets up a couple of hours later and we go to the hotel restaurant for an early lunch. After we eat, she asks the front desk to get us a taxi and we ride to the embassy. Mom checks in and they tell us that they will send a car for us tomorrow that will take us to our house.

We spend the rest of the day touring Bangkok and go to bed around ten. The next morning the car picks us up at ten, as promised. It takes us to our new house, although it is very small. Mom sort of rolls her eyes a bit, but does not say anything about the accommodations to the driver, it is not his fault. Mom thanks him and he starts driving back towards the embassy. We look at each and Mom does her best not to start crying again. Mom looks through the refrigerator and finds that it is stocked, so she makes us a salad and we go to bed early, since there is nothing better to do at the moment.

I wake up at eight and Mom is still sleeping soundly. I quietly get dressed and find some fruit for breakfast. Then I go outside to look around the house. I slowly walk a little further from the house, but not too far, when I run into a girl about my age–maybe a bit older. She smiles and says in somewhat broken English, “Hi, I am Dao. What your name is?” I smile at the cute girl and say, “Hi, I am Daniel. My friends call me Danny. How old are you?” I look at her, she is already getting curves and showing some boobs, so I am sure that she is probably fifteen, or so. She smiles and says, “I…ten and two…” I look a bit confused and then say, “Oh, you are twelve? I am almost twelve. It is only a couple of months…” We continue talking for several more minutes, until Mom pokes her head out the door with a worried look and calls my name. When she sees that I am right there, she looks relieved and calls me in. I say good-bye to Dao and go inside where Mom starts to scold me for going out on my own without letting her know.

Later, I talk Mom into letting me go outside again right after lunch. I see Dao again and I wave at her. She comes over and I start talking to her. After a few minutes, a group of boys comes by and starts taunting Dao in a language that I don’t understand. Then the obvious leader of the bunch looks at me and says in the same broken English as Dao, “I am A-Wut and you no should be with kathoey.” I hate bullies and this is an obvious bully. I am small and have no chance against these guys, but stand up to them anyway–especially since I have no idea what he is talking about. I look back at him and repulse a nervous shudder as I say, “I am Danny and I will be with whomever I want. What is your problem, anyway?” He smirks at me and says, “You want be with that? OK, we call you Kanya; that your new name now. We let everyone know!” The group goes away laughing. My heart is beating really hard and fast. I had expected them to beat me up or something. I look at Dao and ask, “Are you OK, Dao? What were they talking about? What did they mean?” She looks at me confused and tries to explain, “I no good. I kathoey…ladyboy…” I look at her and roll my eyes as I say, “They don’t like you because you are a tomboy? That is stupid! Well, I will be your friend.” She hugs me and says, “But they call you Kanya. You be…no good…to many if my friend.” I shake my head and say, “I don’t know what that means, but stupid names won’t hurt me…”

Mom asks me about my day as we are sitting down for dinner. I tell her that I had met with Dao and think we will become friends. I don’t mention the others, since I assume that they will leave me alone now.

The next day, I am outside waiting for Dao when the trio of idots shows up holding Dao in a tight grip. A-Wut says, “Hello, Kanya. You with me.” And he makes me come into an alleyway with him while the other two hold a struggling Dao. He holds out two pills and tells me to take them. I look at him like he is crazy. He just smirks and says, “You want be with kathoey, you pay price. You take pills and not say word to anyone–not Dao, too. If not, we hurt Dao bad.” I know there is no hope for me to do anything to help Dao except take the pills. He watches and makes sure I swallow the bitter pills. Then he says, “We meet here every morning and evening and you take pills. You no say nothing or Dao pay.” I nod my head figuring that I will figure something out. A-Wut leaves the alley and I exit it behind him as his cronies let Dao go. Dao looks worried but I wink at her, not letting on that anything had happened. After they leave, all I tell her is that he threatened me some more and leave it at that.

To be continued in Part 2.

Danny starts school and learns more about Dao being a kathoey. Will it influence his relationship with her?

Mom does not have to start work for a week, so we spend time sightseeing around Bangkok. I do make sure to meet with A-Wut twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, to take the pills he gives me. The first morning I start to balk at taking them, but he just threatens again to hurt Dao. I still fight back and he laughs. When I ask again what they are he just laughs and swallows one. He tells me that the pills are just to make me swallow my pride and take the bitter medicine for befriending a kathoey; that they don’t do anything but taste bad.

I don’t really know why I tell no one about him. I finally convince myself that it is in order to protect Dao and that he is just giving me aspirin, or something. Although the two pills are different, there have been absolutely no effects from them other than the bitter taste. I convince myself he is telling the truth and to quit worrying about it; that it is for a good cause–something my Dad would have wanted me to do for a girl in need.

Speaking of Dao, we are fast becoming good friends. I have introduced her to Mom and she likes her a lot, too. Just because I have given in to A-Wut for now does not mean I am not still working out how I can protect her and get A-Wut off my back. I am convinced that I will figure out something. All bullies have some weakness; it is just a matter of finding it.

And so, our first Monday in Bangkok rolls around. Mom has to start work at the embassy and I have to start school. I am enrolled in a private school that has mostly local kids enrolled, but that teaches classes in English, as well as Thai. I find out to my chagrin that A-Wut and his idiot band are among them, since he had told me that he would see me at school and give me my pills there during the week. Unfortunately, Dao is not among those that go there.

Mom walks to school with me, since it is only a few blocks from where we live, and takes me to the front office where I am officially enrolled. The paperwork has already been taken care of by the embassy, so the very girly-looking man behind the counter takes me to my class. We go into the room where my first class is and he introduces me to Hom, a pretty girl who speaks perfect English.

I am told that Hom will be my guide for the day, since she also has all the same classes as I do. I sit down at the desk next to her and another very girly-looking man comes in, who turns out to be our homeroom teacher, Mr. Chimlin. Hom smiles at him and it does not take me long to figure out that he gives the girls in class preferential treatment.

Hom is leading me through the hallways to our next class when A-Wut stops us, and says loudly, “Hello, Kanya. Come with me.” Hom grimaces when she sees him and, before she can say anything, he pulls me around a corner while his cronies further distract Hom. He forces me to take my pills and warns me to find him before we go home in the afternoon for my next round. I go back and find Hom, who is impatiently waiting for me.

As we start towards our next class, Hom asks, “Is he a friend of yours? He is a bully, you know? And why did he call you Kanya?” I shake my head and tell her, “No, he is an unfortunate acquaintance. He is bullying a friend of mine and I am trying to help her. He seems to now have taken an interest in me, too because of it.” Hom tries to find out more, but I stay quiet and we arrive at our next class, which again is taught by a girly-looking man that seems to favor the girls in the class.

We go from class to class and I get to know Hom better. A lot of the classes are taught by girly-looking men, or pretty women, and, yes, they all treat the girls better. Some are downright mean to the boys; I am surprised that the embassy is OK with this, but don’t know what to do about it. I ask Hom if this is normal and she nods her head and says, “Yes, girls, or boys that act like them, are most definitely preferred by the teachers in school here, since they are always nicer than normal boys. If you act more like a girl, then you will be treated better, too. I can help you with that, if you wish.” I look at her a bit awkwardly, since this is a really strange concept to me. She continues on, “In Thailand, there are a lot of boys that act totally like girls. They are called kathoey. We do not have any here in our school, right now, but sometimes I think the teachers wish that all of the boys were one!”

I jerk my head around at the word ‘kathoey’ and ask her, “Does ‘kathoey’ not just mean ‘tomboy’ in English?” I struggle a bit with the pronunciation of ‘kathoey’. She considers it a bit and says, “No, it is more often translated as ‘ladyboy’. They are boys that really think they are girls and act just like them.” I sit down heavily as I take this in and then ask, “Hom, does what A-Wut call me, Kanya, mean anything special?” She thinks about it and shakes her head as she says, “It is really just a girl’s name. I am sure that it does have a meaning, though.” She takes out her iPhone and looks it up. She shrugs and says, “It is a girl’s name that means ‘girl’. Why does he call you that?”

I relent and tell her about Dao. She gives me an incredulous look as she asks, “You have befriended a kathoey and defended her against a bully like A-Wut that obviously thinks he is better than such a person? Why?” I look at her and say, “Well, I did not know what kathoey means when she told that was what she was. I thought she was just saying she was a tomboy. You know, a girl that acts boyish.” Hom gives me an inquisitive look and asks, “Now that you know better, what will you do?” I shrug, “I will continue to be her friend and treat her the same. What difference does it make?” Hom smiles and says, “Good. I like you, Kanya.” I blush as she calls me that, but she quickly says, “Don’t worry, I am not making fun of you. It is a compliment from me and you should probably get used to it with A-Wut spreading it around.”

I find A-Wut before I leave for the day and he makes me take my ‘bitter medicine’. I walk home and think about Dao and how she is being treated by A-Wut and his gang. Hom had told me a bit more about the kathoey, that they are accepted by many, but there are many that treat them like third-class citizens–behind women, who are more like second-class. She told me that some of the kathoey are that way by choice, but many are forced into it. I find myself crying for Dao; I don’t know why, but I can’t help myself.

I pull myself together just as I get home and wipe my tears on my sleeve as I see Dao waiting for me. I go over and give her a hug. She asks me how my day was and I tell her that I now understand what she is. Her face falls and she says, “Oh, I try to tell you. I understand if you no want to see me no more.” She turns to leave and I pull her into a quick hug her again as I say, “Dao, that is not what I meant. I don’t care. You are still my friend.” She sags into my arms and says, “Oh, thank you, Danny.” I smile at her and tell her, “Just call me Kanya; that seems to be what everyone is calling me anyway…”

The next morning, after meeting with A-Wut, I find Hom and she pulls me to a bench. She asks me, “Kanya, do you want the teachers to treat you better today? If so, let me help you.” I consider it a minute and say, “I don’t agree that I should have to do this, but I do want to fit in. If there are some small things I can do?” She smiles and says, “You need to sit like this.” She shows me how to sit like a girl with my legs together and how to hold my hands.

She has me practice getting up and sitting until I can do it fairly well. Then she pulls out a bunch of stuff from her purse. She says, “I am going to put some light makeup on your face. It will not be really noticeable, but trust me, the teachers will notice.” I flinch as she approaches me with the stuff, but I finally relent and allow her to start. She puts some shiny lip gloss on my lips and is just finishing putting mascara on my eyelashes when a flash goes off.

We both turn towards where the flash came from, surprised, and look to see what it was just as the flash goes off again. A-Wut takes one more picture of us with his iPhone and says, “I knew you were kathoey, Kanya. Now, I have proof. You will do as I say, or I will post to internet and tell your Mommy!” He runs off, laughing at me. Hom hugs me and says, “Don’t worry, Kanya. It is nothing. What is the worst he can do? Post it on his Facebook page that you were trying on a bit of mascara. Big deal!”

I dejectedly go to class with Hom. Surprisingly, the teachers do treat me better once they see that I make an effort to sit like a girl and they notice the limited makeup I have on. Several of them even hold me after class and compliment me, encouraging me to be even more like a girl. I am shocked and somewhat numb, but smile at them. At lunch, Hom kicks me under the table if my legs separate and she tells me to pay attention to how I am sitting.

Hom refreshes my lip gloss after we eat and we finish out the day. Just before I leave to meet with A-Wut, she says, “Meet me a little early before class tomorrow and I will prepare you again.” I nod numbly and she helps me remove the makeup on my face with some wipes from her purse. Then I go to take my pills.

The next day, I find Hom after I take my pills. She hugs me and says, “OK, see you are sitting nicely. Good! So, we will put on some lip gloss and mascara again today. But first, I want to shape your eyebrows a little. Don’t worry, we will do it slowly. I promise that no one will notice.” She pulls out a pair of tweezers and plucks for a few minutes, and I jump with each pluck; then she adds the mascara and lip gloss. I grimace and we go to class. A bunch of the teachers smile at me and wink.

The next days go by in the same way. More pills from A-Wut. Hom adds little things on to my list of makeup every day; clear nail polish, a little eye shadow, and eyeliner. She plucks a few more hairs from my brows each day and she continues to make sure that I sit with my legs held correctly. She also starts harping on me to hold my posture better while sitting and while walking.

Some of Hom’s friends start to notice the difference, so she tells them what she is doing, against my better judgement, and they all want to ‘help’. I am more than a little overwhelmed by the ‘help’ and continue to struggle with the need for it.

By Thursday, I have had a chance to really think through all of this and I decide that I actually need to talk to Mom about it all; it can’t be right that I need to do this to be treated fairly in school. So, I decide to talk to her after I get home that night. I also decide that I should probably also come clean on the pills. They may be having no physical effect on me, but I don’t want A-Wut having that psychological power over me. I am sure she can help me figure out a way to protect Dao.

I just hope I don’t go off on Mom again; since we got here I can’t seem to reign my temper in at times. She just hugs me when I do go off, though, and tells me I will get my emotions under control after a while–that it is normal for me to be emotional still so soon after losing my Dad and with moving and all.

I go to meet with A-Wut for what I am determined to be the last time and take his pills. Just as I turn the corner after swallowing them, A-Wut close behind me, I almost run into Miss Karawek, the principal. She stops us and asks, “A-Wut, what are you doing with young Daniel here? I am sure it is no good.” He smiles sweetly and says, “Nothing, Miss Karawek. I only compliment Kanya on progress.” They switch to a rapid-fire exchange in Thai and Hom quietly comes up beside me. She whispers, “Are you OK, Kanya?” Miss Karawek snaps her head around and looks at me. She lifts my chin and looks closely at my face. She switches back to English and asks Hom, “Why did you just call him Kanya, like A-Wut did? And did you do this to his face; he says you did?”

Hom swallows and says, “Miss Karawek, Kanya…Danny…met a kathoey and had questions. He is trying to better understand about them. I promised to help him get a taste of how they live. It is all an innocent ‘project’.” Miss Karawek looks at me and asks, “Is this true, Daniel?” I don’t know what else to do but agree. I was OK with confiding the whole truth to my Mom, but this is different. Besides, maybe it will put me on A-Wut’s good side.

I unsurely nod my head and say, “Yes, Ma’am. I met a girl, Dao, on my first day here. I later found out what she meant when she told me that she is a kathoey. I…am just…curious…why anyone would…choose to do that. Hom promised to help me understand.” Miss Karawek looks sternly at me and asks, “And A-Wut?” I bite the inside of my cheek hard and say, “It is like he said, he was complimenting me.” She purses her lips and says, “We will talk more about this tomorrow, Kanya. I can help make sure that you get a full taste of being kathoey while you are here at our school and truly understand what it is like, if that is what you want.”

To be continued in Part 3.

Danny officially becomes Kanya to protect Dao.

I slowly walk home, the wind fully taken out of my sails. Everything that I had intended to tell Mom is completely out of my head, since I don’t know how to tell her what I had ‘admitted’ to Miss Karawek, or, even worse, that it was all a lie. I decide to not rock any boats until I find out what Miss Karawek has to say to me tomorrow; another day of ‘bitter pills’ is not going to make a difference at this point. Mom comes home a little later and is in a strange mood. I decide to go outside after I finish my homework just to give her some space; I assume she is just sad about Dad again.

Dao is outside waiting to see if I come out. Her lip is a bit swollen and she is crying. I ask her what is wrong and she tells me that A-Wut had made her steal some pills from his Dad’s clinic. She sniffles and tells me in a shaky voice that he has proof that she did it and he will tell his Dad if I don’t continue to do what he says at that she would then go to a terrible prison. She really starts crying then and tells me that she is so sorry that she got me involved in all of this. I hold her a minute and then tell her that she is not the one that got me into this. If anyone, it was A-Wut.

I am a little surprised to realize that I have been able to keep my emotions better in check as she tells me all of this. A few days ago, I would have been blubbering along with her. I sort through my thoughts and comfort myself that I am not forgetting my Dad–it still hurts a lot to think about him, but it is more of a dull ache right now. I am still nowhere near normal in terms of my emotions, but at least I am not just breaking down and crying–or yelling at someone for no apparent reason.

I look at Dao and wipe the tears from her eyes as I say, “Dao, don’t worry. A-Wut will get what is coming to him. Everyone eventually does, at least that is what my Dad used to say–something about ‘what comes around, goes around…” I talk with Dao for a while longer until she is calmer and then have to go back in for supper.

Mom continues to be quiet the rest of the evening, through supper and until I go to bed. I can’t help but cry a bit after I climb in bed. I don’t know if it is because I am worried about Mom, worried about Dao, worried about myself, or all of the above. I finally quietly cry myself to sleep and am slow to get out of bed when the alarm goes off the next morning. I get ready and find that Mom is not in any better mood, so I quietly finish getting ready and walk to school.

I meet up with A-Wut, something that I had promised myself I would not do today, but with the extra pressure of him being to blackmail Dao, I take the pills without a word. I then meet up with Hom and her posse of girls determined to ‘help’. One of them sets to work on plucking a few more eyebrow hairs, while another puts a little eye shadow and eyeliner on my eyes. I have now ‘graduated’ to pink lip gloss, it seems. They quickly put on some pink fingernail polish to match.

I run into the boy’s room after they are done and look at myself in the mirror. My face is definitely more noticeably made up now. It is still subtle in terms of what the other girls are wearing, but definitely noticeable. My eyebrows are also starting to get visibly more girly, if you pay attention to them. I shudder as I see the flash of pink on my nails as I stroke my brows. I bolt to open the door and exit to the hall in a flood of emotions.

The girls calm me down and we all go to homeroom. About halfway through our first period, Miss Karawek comes in and asks me to accompany her to the front office. Amid a loud chorus of ‘you are in trouble’, I follow her meekly; wondering what she is going to do after our encounter yesterday. She has me sit in a chair in her office and then she asks me, “Kanya; is that what you wish to be called?” I shrug and say, “It has sort of stuck, I guess. I did not choose it, but I doubt I will change what others call me, now. I know how you get stuck with nicknames.” She nods and says, “Well, this is a bit more serious than a nickname, but we will go with it, for now. OK, Kanya, I see you have makeup on again. Would you like to tell me why?”

I almost tell her it is to be treated well in class, but decide that is not a good idea, so I say, “It is like I said yesterday, Ma’am.” I decide to leave it at that. She nods and asks, “So, you still want to know about being a kathoey?” My heart is beating loudly and I want to loudly and emphatically shout ‘no’, but I just nod and start crying–I can’t help it. She gets up and tenderly hugs me. She tells me it will be OK and she will help me. A buzzer sounds at her desk and she goes over and opens the door. My heart skips a couple of beats when Mom comes in…

Mom takes one look at me and then angrily demands from Miss Karawek, “Would you mind telling me what the Hell is going on here? First, I get an email from you yesterday to come here today, but to not say anything about it to Danny. And then I come in here and my son is crying his heart out. And why does he have mascara running down his face?”

Miss Karawek calmly asks my Mom to sit down. She then quietly explains what she knows to be true at this point. Mom gets a more incredulous look on her face with each passing second and just stares at me as Miss Karawek speaks. Then Mom asks me in a scary quiet voice, “Is this true, Daniel? Is Dao a boy and do you want to be a girl like he does?” I look at Mom and my tears start freely flowing again. I so want to tell her the whole truth, but feel I am in way too deep, now. With trembling lips, I say, “Yes, Mom. Dao is a kathoey–she is not a boy, though. At least not in her mind. As for me, I just want to understand…”

Mom visibly deflates and looks back at Miss Karawek as she starts babbling, “I don’t understand. I know that things are more liberal in Thailand when it comes to being transgendered, but I did not think that my eleven year-old son would get caught up in it. Wait, that is not fair. I am sorry, I guess his Dad’s death must have done more than I knew. I will see about making an appointment with a psychiatrist for him. Do you have any suggestions? I guess I can ask at the embassy…” Her voice trails off and Miss Karawek waits quietly.

Finally, Miss Karawek says, “I would urge you not to go that route just yet. As you mentioned, Thailand, in many respects, is much more open to these things than your home country. As a matter of fact, in your country I would be considered a post-operative transgendered woman. Here, I am just considered a kathoey. There is really no harm in letting Daniel, or Kanya, explore his or her feelings on this. I can help with this; trust me, I understand these feelings and issues quite well. If this is just a phase, then there is no harm done to Daniel, right? If it is more serious, then I can help you better navigate what needs to be done for Kanya.” Mom visibly pales and sends me to sit outside the office while they talk further.

After what seems like forever, Mom comes out. She does not storm out, which is a good sign, I think, but she is visibly upset. She firmly takes my hand and says, “Come on, Kanya! It seems that I won’t be going to work any today.” She nearly pulls my arm out of its socket, she is walking so fast, as she drags me to the house. She doesn’t say another word the whole way; all I hear is the fast ‘click click’ of her heels.

We make it home in about half the time it normally takes. Mom closes the door behind us and makes me sit on the couch. She slowly makes herself a cup of some herbal tea and by the time she sits down with me, she seems calmer. Finally, she speaks, “Danny, Sweetie, do you want to tell me what is really going on? Is this just you lashing out at your father’s death? Do I need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist? Miss Karawek thinks not, but I don’t know. The customs here are strange for us and I just don’t know…” The last thing I want right now is to see a shrink, so I emphatically shake my head no.

I look at Mom and fight back an onslaught of tears, proud that I am getting better at controlling them. I say with a shaky voice, “No, Mom. I miss Dad. I really do. But, that is not what this is about.” I sigh as I think of another weird saying Dad had always used, ‘in for a penny, in for a pound’. I continue, my voice still shaky, keeping to the storyline that I have been thrust into, “You are right, they do things weird around here. We could be here a long time, actually I hope we are, that we don’t move again anytime soon, before I can make friends again. I am trying to understand how to fit in; how to make friends. I like Dao–I don’t care what others think. I know that she would be really hated at home, but I don’t care. We are here. Hom, at school, said she could help me understand her better. She told me that no one would care here at school. Some of the teachers are even supportive of me doing this. Miss Karawek seems to be, too.”

Mom sits quietly and listens. After wordlessly finishing another cup of tea, she finally says, “OK, let’s say I go along with this–Miss Karawek insists that you need to do it all or nothing, so that we know for sure what is going on in your head. She says this could be your latent desire to be a girl–that many boys don’t realize they want that until they are your age. She says that was how it was with her. You are sure it is not that?” I shake my head and say, “No, Mom, I don’t want to turn into a girl if that is what you mean.” She shakes her head and says, “OK, if I get that feeling at any point, then I have to get you to a shrink straight away; no matter what they say…”

She is quiet a while longer, stirring another cup of tea. Finally, she continues, “For now, I think that Miss Karawek’s plan is likely best, given that we are here and the customs are what they are. I am still not sure about it all, but realize that I have a lot of stigmas from back home, too. Maybe this will be good for both of us.” She shakes her head and stirs some more in the now cold tea. Then her tone softens and she asks, ”So, Kanya? How did you come up with that name?” I shrug and tell her that it just sort of happened…

~~~~~

Mom looks at me and asks me one more time, “Are you sure? If we go through with this, I will insist that you follow through until the end of the school-year. This is going to cost me quite a pretty penny–and it will take some effort on Miss Karawek’s behalf at school, too.” With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I nod and say, “Yes, Mom, I am sure.” She shakes her head again and says, “OK, Dan…Kanya, come on then. Let’s go in.” We had taken a taxi to a store in a part of town that we have not been to before. Mom does not seem too comfortable in the neighborhood, but Miss Karawek suggested that we come here.

A really pretty woman comes up to us as soon as the bell rings on the door and asks us how she can help us. Mom nervously clears her throat and says, “Miss Karawek referred us to you and said you could help. This is Da…Kanya. He…she wants to be a…kathoey… I am his…her Mom and, as you can tell, from the States and have no idea where to begin…” The woman has a surprised look on her face. She looks us over critically and asks my Mom, “And you are OK with her wanting this?” Mom just nervously nods.

The lady then looks at me and asks, “Is this true, Kanya? That is a pretty name, by the way.” I nod my head in the most assuring manner I can and say, “Yes Ma’am.” She says, “OK, I am Malee. Let me take a look at you–I think you will make a very pretty girl. Are you going to start hormones right away? You don’t want those pesky boy hormones messing up your pretty body and face.” Mom gasps and says, “No, we are…not there quite yet.” I just shake my head, not really fully understanding the question. Malee smiles and says, “OK, but don’t wait too long. The earlier you start, the better. I started when I was about your age, maybe a little younger.” Mom gasps again and Malee continues, “How old are you, Kanya?” I tell her I am eleven, almost twelve, and she nods.

Malee sits me down in a chair in front of a mirror with lots of makeup and stuff around it. She says, “You are still young, Kanya, but girls wear more makeup at your age than you have on. You are being too conservative.” I shrug and Malee continues, “We need to get you looking more like a girl your age. I am going to wipe this off and then show you how to do it right after I finish fixing your eyebrows.” She then wipes off all of the makeup that Hom and the girls had put on me. She takes out a pair of tweezers and attacks my brows, with no regard to ‘subtle’ this time. When she is done, I have very girly-looking eyebrows–all thin and pointed and arched up high on my forehead.

After she puts away the tweezers, she gathers up a bunch of sponges and brushes and stuff and starts making up my face, explaining each step of the way. It feels and smells really funny, but when she is done, I look like a really pretty girl; I look a lot like an American version of Hom and the other girls at school. Mom, once again, gasps when she sees me. Malee explains that this is the ‘appropriate’ level of makeup for my age and school. I nod to Mom when she asks if this is what the girls look like at school. Malee tells me that my nails look pretty with the pink polish on them, but that it is too sloppy, so she redoes them in bright metallic pink. She then says she needs to take me in back to get some measurements.

Malee has Mom sit down to wait, takes my hand, leads me through a doorway into a small room, and closes a curtain. She tells me to undress, down to my underwear, which I do. She starts measuring my chest with a tape measure and when she brushes up against my nipples I jump a bit. She looks at me and gently squeezes them a bit. I flinch and she asks me, “Does that hurt, Hon?” I tell her, “I don’t know; not really hurt. The last couple of days they seem to be sort of really sore, though.” She smiles at me and winks; I have no idea why. She says, “Well, maybe we should get you a nice padded bra to go with your outfit. All girls your age wear one–you will especially need one when you start your hormones.” She winks big again; I am still clueless as to why.

After she finishes measuring me, she pulls out some girl’s pink panties and a matching padded bra. They are lacy and girly and I stop myself from groaning as she tells me to put them on while she goes out to talk to my Mom. I look at the panties and bra in my hand and shudder, once again mentally kicking myself for getting into this situation. I remove my undies and pull on the panties and wait; I have no idea what to do with the bra.

Malee comes back in carrying a pale pink dress. Before she helps me into it, she smiles and takes the bra from me. First, she gently rubs some cream into my boobs from a tube. She tells me, “Shh, this is our little secret. You keep putting this on your boobies and they will feel better soon. Just a little, like the size of the pea on each, is all it takes. Don’t tell anyone that I gave it to you, though. You could get me in trouble with your Mom.” She winks, then she helps me into the bra, showing me how to clasp it in the furthest hook in front of my body and then spin it around so that the cups are in front and I can put my arms in. She makes some adjustments to the straps, so that it pulls my shoulders back some and then inserts some cold, heavy, jiggly things into the cups. She makes a final adjustment and then helps me into the dress.

After she has zipped the dress up in the back, she hands me some white, short, girly socks with lace and tells me to put them on, followed by a pair of black, shiny girl’s shoes that she calls ‘ballet flats’. She spins me around and seems happy. Finally, she picks up a long wig, the same color of my hair, and securely fastens it to my head. She says, “Your hair is not quite long enough for extensions, yet. In a few weeks it should be, though. Then we can do better than this old wig.” She brushes it for a while, then turns me to look in the mirror. I am surprised to find a really pretty young girl looking back at me. Mom really gasps when she sees me. Malee just smiles.

Malee gets all of the ‘teenie’ makeup that I will need, panties and padded bras, and several more dresses, and starts ringing things up. Mom asks why I need the bras and Malee just shrugs and says that the girls my age will be getting curves and I need to fit in. She winks at me again when Mom can’t see it and I roll my eyes in exasperation, although Malee does not see that. She adds some makeup remover pads, facial cleansers, and moisturizers to the pile as she explains that she has prepared many kathoey to become beauty queens in national competitions. Malee emphasizes the importance of me getting into the routine of using the moisturizers and lotions and Mom promises she will make me do it. She then makes Mom promise to bring me back in a week for a ‘progress check’.

As we are leaving, Malee slips the tube of cream to me and whispers, “Just a little before you go to bed and in the morning after your shower. You will see that they will feel better soon. This is normal and there is nothing to worry about, I promise. Remember, though, this is just between us.” She winks and I hide the tube as I run behind Mom to get into the taxi that is waiting for us, still not sure what that was all about.

It feels really weird to run in the stiff girl’s shoes that want to flop off my feet–and in a dress… After I jump in the taxi, Mom makes me get back out and shows me how to get in properly; by sweeping my dress under me and pivoting in with my legs tightly closed and keeping my dress pulled down over my legs. The twenty minute ride home is filled with Mom lecturing me that I can’t ‘flash’ my panties to the world. If I thought Hom was hard on me, Mom is a hundred time worse. She slaps or pinches my thigh every time there is the slightest gap between my legs.

To be continued in Part 4.

Kanya gets her first real taste of being a girl.

Mom makes me get out of the taxi as correctly as she made me get in. She had used the last few minutes of the ride to drill into my head exactly how I was to do that. I pay close attention to what she told me and she actually compliments me as I get out. For some reason, as we go up the walk to the house, I realize that my shoes sound a little like Mom’s; not quite the sharp clicking of her heels, but a loud tapping none-the-less. I wonder a little at the sound of my shoes as we go in; even stranger is the bounce of the ‘boobies’ in my bra…

Mom closes the door and takes me straight to my room with all of my new stuff. She says, “Well, now that you are a girl, you need to learn to take care of your things like one.” She has me pack away my old ‘boy’ clothes and put away my new ones. She shows me how to neatly fold my panties and bras and put them away in the drawers, along with my socks. Then she shows me how to neatly hang up my dresses in the closet. Finally, she helps me neatly put my makeup and toiletries in my bathroom.

When she is satisfied that everything is neatly put away, she takes me into the kitchen and says, “Well, …Kanya… , let’s get lunch ready, then we have a bit more shopping to do. We need to get some things I know more about. Those couple of dresses won’t last you through a week and you need more shoes and something to sleep in and… Oh my goodness, listen to me ramble–I don’t think I am quite ready for a daughter…”

After we make some sandwiches, eat them, and clean up, we go back out to do more shopping. There is a shopping mall only a couple of bus stops from our house and it does not take long for us to get there; I only get my thighs pinched twice. We enter the mall looking like any other Mom holding her daughter’s hand to anyone that might be paying attention to us.

We go into a bunch of shops and Mom picks out more clothes for me; a mix of dresses, jeans and tops, and more shoes–more nice ‘ballet flats’ in several colors and bright pink sneakers. Then she picks up some girl’s nighties for me in our last clothing store, she pays, and we walk back into the mall.

We just walk around for a while carrying all of the bags of my new stuff. Then, suddenly on some whim, she pulls me into one of those stores that has all kinds of earrings on stands everywhere. She takes me to a chair that has a teddy bear in it and tells me to sit down and hug the bear. After she makes sure that my legs are tightly closed on the stool, she tells the shop girl, “Hi, this is Kanya, my daughter, and she wants to get her ears pierced today. She is almost twelve and I think it is a great early birthday present.” I just blink as she says that. I had not said anything about getting my ears pierced. The girl shows me all of the different types of ‘starter’ earrings and asks me which ones I want. I just sort of stare at them, confused.

Mom comes over and takes my hand, as she says, “I got my first earrings when I was twelve; this is a special moment for a girl and her Mom, Kanya. I think the pink, sparkly ones would be really pretty, don’t you? They match your lip gloss and your nail polish.” I just numbly nod as the girl pulls my hair back into a ponytail and makes some dots on my ears with a marker. Mom nods her in approval at the placement and I get really nervous as the girl unwraps the gun-looking thing and holds it up to my left ear.

I hear a sharp ‘pop’ and then another around my right ear. I wonder that I don’t feel anything as I hear the pops. I feel her wiping my ears with a cotton ball and a slight sting from the antiseptic it is soaked in. Then I feel a slight pinch as she puts the backs on the earrings. I realize it is over with when she turns the chair around to the mirror and I see the pink studs in my ears sparkling in the bright light.

An hour later, we are back home and back in the kitchen. Mom has me put on a pair of her fuzzy slippers, which are way too big, and an apron to start cooking supper. She has me stir the sauce for our noodles and says, “Be careful not to get any of that on your dress, Hon, the tomato sauce will stain it. We will let it simmer in just a minute and get you into something else. You are doing really well, though. I am really looking forward to having you help with the chores around the house, from now on.”

After a few minutes, Mom has me put the sauce on ‘low’ and takes me back to my room, where I once again put away my newest clothes. After everything is neat, Mom hands me a girly, pink cotton nightie and says, “Here, just put this on. I will put on my nightie, as well, and we will just chill the rest of the evening.” She shows me how to unzip my dress and then has me zip and unzip it several times to get the hang of doing it myself. Then she shows me how to unclasp the bra from behind and then reclasps it several times until I can undo it by myself. Mom leaves me alone and I put away the dress, bra, and silicone breast forms, as Mom calls them, and then put on the nightie.

I go into my bathroom to pee and hike up the nightie. Mom comes in to say something right at that moment and slaps my bottom when she sees me. She says, “Girls do not stand to tinkle. Sit down and go like you are supposed to. I don’t want to see or hear of you standing at a toilet again.” I blush and quickly sit down. She makes me wipe when I am done and I feel really stupid.

By the time we get back to the kitchen, the sauce is almost ready and Mom has me put on a pot of water to boil for the noodles. She shows me how to add salt and olive oil to the water once it boils and then the noodles. A few minutes later I drain the noodles in a colander and we sit at the table, which I set with the plates and silverware, and eat our supper.

After we eat, Mom washes the dishes and has me dry and put them away. Then she takes me into the living room before she goes and grabs the bottle of pink nail polish that Malee had used on my fingernails from my bathroom. She comes back and smiles as she says, “Those toes look a little naked. I think we should do a mother-daughter pedicure session. What do you think, will this color look OK on my old toes?” I can tell she is teasing me, but I honestly have no idea how to respond. I decide to be semi-honest and say, “Well, it is pretty girly--maybe you are too old for it?” I grin to hide my uncertainty, but it seems to be the right response, because she just tickles my sides and starts filing my toenails.

Mom shows me how to paint each nail with three strokes of the brush; one on each outside edge the nail and then one down the middle. She puts on two coats of the pink and then a coat of clear, and soon enough my toenails are the same shiny pink as my fingers. Mom goes to her bathroom to get the bright red that matches her fingernails and hands the bottle to me. Thirty minutes and lots of nail polish remover and cotton swabs later (to get all the red off of her skin), I have finally painted her toenails to her satisfaction. She just grins and says, “Well, practice will make perfect, I guess.”

We watch a DVD of some old girly movie that Mom likes but says that she never could watch with me before. I don’t know why, but I cry at all the same spots Mom does… After it is over, I yawn and Mom takes me to my bathroom where she shows me how to remove my makeup with the special wipes, wash and scrub my face with the ‘cleansing scrub’, and moisturize it. After she kisses me goodnight and closes my door, I take out the tube of cream and apply a small amount to each sore boob, like Malee had instructed. It does help sooth the soreness and I quickly fall asleep.

Mom gets me up at seven. I groan at her; it is Saturday and I want to sleep in, but she just says, “Get up lazy bones. Girls have to get up earlier to get ready for the day. And we need to clean today. You can take a shower later, you will just get dirty again if you take one now–but you need to get dressed and put on your makeup.” She pulls out a pair of my new jeans and a pale yellow t-shirt that has puffy short sleeves. She lays them on my bed and leaves me alone to get dressed.

I apply some of the cream to my boobs; I am not sure, but it feels like my nipples are bigger than normal as I rub them. I look in the mirror and laugh at my own stupid imagination while I try and put on the bra. It takes me a couple of minutes, but I finally get it on and the jiggly ‘breast forms’ inserted. I put on the t-shirt and the girly jeans; you know the ones that are really tight on your legs, with sparkly gems all over the back pockets, and that don’t go all the way down to your ankle. I notice that both the jeans and the t-shirt are a lot softer than my normal clothes; I kind of like the feel.

After slipping my naked feet into a pair of the ballet flats, like I had seen a lot of girls do, I go to my bathroom to find Mom. She is ready to help me with the makeup and tells me that I will have to practice on my own after I take my shower later. She tells me, “You will have to do your own makeup on Monday before school. I will check it, but it is your job to do your own makeup.”

I set the table for breakfast and quickly eat a bowl of cereal. After I wash the dishes, I nervously look at the clock and beg Mom to let me go outside for just a few minutes. It is time for me to meet A-Wut and I am afraid he will do something drastic if I don’t show. Mom says that I can have ten minutes, but can’t understand why I need to go outside so urgently. As a diversion, I tell her if she finally got me a phone that works here that I could text my friends rather than having to go meet them all the time. She rolls her eyes and I quickly run outside before she changes her mind.

A-Wut is waiting for me and laughs out loud when he sees me. Between laughs, he says, “Ha! I knowed you was kathoey! You make sure and keep doing what I say.” He gives me my pills, which I quickly swallow not even noticing the bitter taste anymore, and I run back inside before Mom comes looking for me.

The rest of the day consists of me helping Mom clean the house, vacuuming, dusting, washing windows. After we make lunch, and clean up the mess afterwards, Mom sends me to take a shower and tells me to use the special moisturizing body wash we had bought yesterday. She also tells me to use the body lotion all over my body after I get out and to follow that with a light dusting of the body powder. I follow her instructions and smell all flowery when I come out. I put on the pink dress I had briefly worn yesterday and Mom shows me how to sort and start the laundry and then tells me to go do my makeup.

I spend an hour studiously working on my face and look something like a cross between a raccoon and a clown when I finish. Mom makes me wipe it all off and start over. I do a decent job on my third try. At that point, she relents and says that I can go outside for an hour, but that I have to come in and help with supper then.

I find Dao waiting outside. She could not have known if or when I was coming out, so I figure she has been there quite some time. She pales when she sees me. She holds my hand in hers and looks at me as she says, “It true. A-Wut no lie. You kathoey because me.” She starts crying and I try to calm her down. I ask her why she is crying, if she didn't like me being a kathoey. She shakes her head and says, “It not that. I glad you like be girl. But A-Wut say he make you be and that he now can say that you help me steal pills. If he say anything to he Dad, we both go to prison.” I stare really hard at her and say, “He has no proof of that. Why would his Dad or the police believe him?” She shakes her head sadly, “You Kathoey now; like me. He word much better than you or mine… They listen him–you trust!”

I meet A-Wut in the alley, as usual, right before I have to go back in for the night, and he laughs at me again. He hands me the pills and watches me swallow them, as he says, “You see Dao? She tell you? You do what I say or you go prison.” I nervously laugh and say, “You can’t prove anything–especially since I did not do anything.” He laughs again and says, “I have pictures show Dao take pills. You Dao’s kathoey friend. Police believe me!”

I go back inside really worried. Could this be true? Am I considered less of a person now? Hom had said some people think that way here. Maybe the police really do think kathoey are third class like Hom says. Mom sees the concerned look on my face and asks me what is wrong. I just tell her that I am not sure I will be able to get ready in time on Monday. She giggles and tells me to set my clock at least an hour and a half earlier than normal.

Sunday is somewhat of a repeat of Saturday without the cleaning. Mom gets me up and I shower and practice putting makeup on. She makes me redo it over and over until I start getting faster and surer of what I am doing. It still takes me about forty minutes to do what Mom tells me I will eventually be able to do in twenty, but I feel like I have a chance of getting some sleep tonight and won’t have to get up at the crack of dawn to get ready. Mom does let me go outside a little more, so I spend some time talking with Dao and, of course, meet with A-Wut.

~~~~~

Monday starts out as a mad rush. I get up an hour and a half early and am barely ready to go on time. I know it will get better once I am not so nervous, but this morning is a total mess. I finally get to school and it is almost like registering all over again. I go to the front office and Miss Karawek is waiting for me. She smiles and hugs me when she sees me, then takes me to her office. She has me sit and says, “You look very nice, Kanya. Are you ready to go to class? There are a couple of things that I want to discuss first…”

She goes on to tell me that, since the school does not have dedicated kathoey bathrooms that I will hve to use the staff ones–otherwise, I will have to use the boy’s ones. She also tells me that my records at school have been changed to Kanya and that is the name that I must use. She takes me to class and leaves me with Hom, who is beside herself when she recognizes me.

The day is a strange mix of sensations and reactions. None of the students think anything about me being a kathoey. The things that create the buzz are that I, an American, decide to be a kathoey, and that there is now officially one at the school. My homeroom teacher is actually really nice to me. Things do take a turn for the worse, though…

It is between second and third period when I run into A-Wut. As usual, he hands me the pills with the usual warning to do as he says. I have just swallowed them, when he suddenly thrusts the pill vials in my hand and starts shouting nonsense at me. Miss Karawek comes around the corner and demands to know what is going on. A-Wut starts talking in rapid Thai and Miss Karawek looks at me, alarmed. She takes the pill vials from my hand and marches both of us to her office.

Once she closes her door, she looks at me and says, “A-Wut says that you asked him to get these hormone pills for you, since you knew his Dad is a doctor at the sex change clinic. He says that you paid him for them and have been taking them for over two weeks now and that you asked him to get you more. Is that true?” I look at A-Wut, who has a smug look on his face. I am stunned that the pills really arewants Miss Karawek to know I was taking the pills but I can’t figure out why. Miss Karawek looks thoughtful and asks me, “And you are determined to take them?” I nod, sure that this is the response A-Wut expects. She says, “OK, I know that overwhelming need to take them. I also know that if I take these away, or tell your mother, you will just find another way to get them. It is far too easy in this country. Am I right?” I nod, looking absolutely sure, but absolutely at a loss as to how to get out of this.

Miss Karawek goes to her phone and calls someone, once again speaking in Thai. In a few minutes, the school nurse comes in. Miss Karawek looks at me and says, “From now on Nurse Buppha is going to give you the hormones so that we know that you are getting the proper and safe dose. I don’t like doing it without your Mom knowing, but I would rather do this and know you are safe if I can’t stop you. Miss Buppha will give you weekly shots for a while, then, later, if you still want them, monthly ones. You will get one shot in each butt cheek, so bend over.” She says something to the nurse in Thai as I do what she says and I feel a prick and strong burn in each butt cheek; then the nurse leaves.

Miss Karawek shakes her head and says, “Kanya, I took pills like you were when I was young and almost killed myself. I know what you are going through and I am here to help you. Please don’t do things that you don’t tell your Mom without at least telling me. Kathoey always help one another and I will help, just like the one that saved me, but you have to let me. Nurse Buppha is also a kathoey, like us, and will help you to no end. But you have to let us!”

She sits down just as the phone rings. She answers and speaks for a while into the phone in Thai as I sit there and rub my sore butt. Finally, she hangs up and says, “Kanya, that was Malee. She was just telling me that she knows and that the hormones have started affecting your breasts; that you have beginning breast buds. Your breasts are going to start to grow more quickly now. You are going to start to grow and get feminine curves. The blockers in your system are making sure that you don’t start producing boy’s hormones. The girl’s hormones are going to make you girly. It has already started. You probably have been really emotional. Your nipples are getting bigger. The dark area around your nipples is getting bigger. Your breasts are getting bigger. It will be impossible to hide this from your mother for long. In a few weeks to months, it will really start to show. Shouldn't we tell your Mom?”

To be continued in Part 5.

Kanya delves further into being a kathoey–or is it further into becoming a girl?

”Your breasts are going to start to grow more quickly now. You are going to start to grow and get feminine curves. The blockers in your system are making sure that you don’t start producing boy’s hormones. The girl’s hormones are going to make you girly. It has already started. You probably have been really emotional. Your nipples are getting bigger. The dark area around your nipples is getting bigger. Your breasts are getting bigger. It will be impossible to hide this from your mother for long. In a few weeks to months, it will really start to show. Shouldn’t we tell your Mom?”

Miss Karawek’s words slowly sink into my numbed brain. I have been taking hormones that are turning me into a real girl. It doesn’t matter that I did not know what A-Wut was giving me–the pills have started working. The weird crying and yelling that I could not control; my sore boobs; those are just a start. And now, A-Wut has somehow maneuvered me into taking supervised shots to keep the changes going.

I sit and try to think. I can’t tell Mom what is really going on and soon I will have to figure out how to hide the changes that the stupid hormones are going to do to me. OK, so Miss Karawek, Mallee, and Nurse Buppha are willing to ‘help’ me because we are all ‘kathoey’, even if that means helping me hide this from Mom. For some reason, that is the only thing that even comes close to making sense to me, even though I know it is wrong.

Suddenly I realize that Miss Karawek is still talking to me, “…Kanya? I really think that we should tell your Mom. She loves you. She will understand.” I think to myself that there really is nothing for her to understand, at least as far as my wishes go. When I think about what A-Wut could do to me and Dao, though, there is no choice in the matter. I look at her, trying to focus, and say, “Miss Karawek, Mom can’t understand. I don’t understand. I only know I have to do this and she can’t know or she will stop me. Please don’t tell her. Please help me hide my changes from her so she does not make me stop them. I have to keep taking them!” And then I start crying again…

Miss Karawek hugs me and says, “Of course, Kanya. I promised you that we kathoey are here for you–just as you, one day, will be there for other kathoey–like you are now for Dao. The breast forms and the padded bra Malee has fixed you up with will hide the changes in your breasts for a while, as long as you are wearing the bra. You can simply stop using the breast forms as your breasts grow–it will only get difficult after they get big enough that they are visible at night in your pajamas. There are ways to help there, too, though and we will cross that bridge when we get there.”

Miss Karawek gets up and goes to her desk to jot down some notes. She says, “I will work on your Mom to allow you to go to training sessions with Malee. I will tell her it will help you fit into the kathoey and Thai culture. Malee will likely try and enter you into a beauty contest, but that is the least of your worries. Nurse Buppha will ensure that you safely get the proper hormones and blockers to get you through your female puberty as quickly as possible, so that you can come out. You are one of us now and we will take care of you.”

~~~~~

There are several key things that begin that week that start to define who I am to become:

A-Wut, for once is leaving me alone, at least physically. It is clear from his smug smirks that nothing has changed, though. I have to play ball his way, or I am toast. He seems to always be around, just as a reminder…

Hom and the girls don’t abandon me, as I had feared. As a matter of fact, they slowly start including me more in their girly group–not just as a makeup challenge, but more as an actual part of the group. They include me in their conversations and ask my opinion on things. It feels good to be included, I have never had the luxury of real friends; the few guy semi-friends that I had as Danny were more interested in goofing around and getting into trouble than talking.

The teachers, for the most part, now treat me like one of the girls, which means they treat me nicely. It is bizarre when I think about it, but they really do seem to encourage girly behavior from the boys here in school, even though boys and men are considered ‘better’ out in the real world.

Mom continues to treat me like a ‘slave daughter’–I am doing a lot of the cleaning, cooking, washing and ironing. It seems like I am being punished, although I do notice that she is starting to treat me a bit differently…like she is starting to connect with me on a different level than as Danny. She tells me things that she never used to and laughs and giggles more around me. It is nice to see her laugh, although I can tell she is still sad about Dad and worried about me.

Dao starts treating me more like Miss Karawek, Malee, and Nurse Buppha do–as one of the ‘kathoey’. She starts telling me more about her family; about how she comes from a poor family. Both of her parents died a couple of years ago and she is staying with an uncle that started her on female hormones when she was barely ten. She tells me that she is expected to get into the ‘entertainment business’ very soon. I am horrified when she tells me what that means.

Miss Karawek convinces Mom to allow me to go to Malee’s for ‘training’. Since Mom cannot take me, Miss Karawek volunteers to take me on Wednesdays after school for a two-hour session. Malee starts teaching me how to walk in high heels and model clothes.

Nurse Buppha gives me my shots every Monday and the burning never gets any better…

~~~~~

It has been six weeks since I started the shots, a total of eight weeks on hormones and the body changes are starting to become noticeable and to come faster now. Malee has had to quietly exchange my shoes, since my feet are now a size bigger. She got me the same kind I had, so Mom wouldn’t notice. My hands are a little bigger, too, it seems. I have grown and inch taller…

My nipples are about the size of pencil erasers and easily get hard, like when I walk into a cold room, or something like that. The dark area around my nipple, Miss Karawek says it is called the ‘areola’, is really big and sort of bumpy now, too. The little lumps that had started in my breasts have spread out, I guess–I can’t feel them anymore. I easily fill the cups in my padded bra without the breast forms; Malee says I am an A-cup and quickly growing. I have to tightly wrap my chest with an elastic bandage if I have to be around Mom without my bra to hide it all. I try and keep that to an absolute minimum, though, since it is really uncomfortable.

I am sitting in a chair at my session with Malee. According to her, I am now basically a pro at walking in heels and she says I could have a real future in modeling, if I want. I have to admit that I really like the feel of the nice girl’s clothes; it is something to consider if I am going to have to live out my life as a girl.

I sit and think about that, again. I don’t think about it quite as much anymore–living out my life as a girl, I mean. I am settling into life as a girl, though. Hom and the girls are rubbing off on me. I am starting to giggle like them, talk like them, think like them… I am even starting to pick up a little Thai from them. On top of all of that, Mom loaded my Kindle with all kinds of girly teen books and magazine subscriptions and removed anything remotely boyish after she figured out that her ‘girl slave’ methods weren’t changing my mind. I am beginning to relate more and more with the characters in those books–I feel their emotions. And I can’t seem to get enough of the gossip in the girly teen magazines, which is always a good source of discussion topics with Hom…

Malee comes up behind me, hair extensions in her hand, and startles me as she says, “Well, you certainly are quiet today, Kanya. Are you OK?” I nod and give her a hug, feeling my growing boobies press against her. She smiles and asks, “How are the party preparations coming along? Has your Mommy gone crazy, yet?” I giggle and say, “Mommy is doing just fine. She has me doing most of the prep work. I realize that we are pretty equally sharing the girly chores at home, but it is still pretty new to me to have to do girl’s stuff. Anyway, we will be ready for everyone on time.”

I am getting really excited; Saturday is my birthday and Mom is allowing me to invite a bunch of the girls over to a party; some are even going to spend the night at my first-ever ‘pajama party’. Malee is getting ready to put in my hair extensions, as an early birthday present, especially for the occasion. My hair is finally long enough for them and I am looking forward to forever being rid of that hot wig.

As she starts making a bunch of really small tight braids up against my scalp, I ask her about what I had learned from Dao. She tells me that, unfortunately, a lot of kathoey are forced into prostitution, especially in the poorer families. She finishes the braids and starts sewing in the extensions and tells me that Miss Karawek was almost forced into the ‘entertainment industry’ when she was not much older than Dao. Fortunately, her adoptive parents took her in at that time and saved her from that fate. She tells me that Miss Karawek has made it her mission to give kathoey good job opportunities; that is why all of the staff and teachers at the school are kathoey, even if not all of them are in full ‘girl-mode’.

Malee washes my hair and trims it up. After she dries it, I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head so that the hair flies around my face. I grin, it feels so much better than that wig. I hug Malee again and she makes me put on my 4-inch heels and walk the catwalk to model myself…

~~~~~

Saturday finally arrives and I nervously finish getting myself ready. Mom almost catches me without my bra and unwrapped when I getout of the shower, but I am able to get a towel around my chest in time to hide my boobs. So I quickly get dressed, using the new strategy that Malee taught me. I wear clothes now that are designed to accentuate my growing hips and thighs and narrowing waist. Because Mom knows the clothes are designed for that, she does not notice the real truth. At least not yet…

Mom had made a big deal when I came home on Wednesday with my extensions and she took a bunch of pictures, calling me her ‘cutie pie’. I am still getting used to the extensions and decide not to do much with my hair today. So I pull it back into a tight high ponytail and start putting on my makeup.

While we sit down to breakfast, Mom explains the concept of a ‘pajama party’ to me again. It is not something that I have ever been a part of, for obvious reasons, and it is a truly American custom, so my Thai girlfriends have no concept either. We go over the list of games and movies and things for tonight. As I understand it, the whole idea is to stay awake as long as we can, all night is best, and do each other’s makeup and nails and watch movies and talk and giggle… It does sound like fun, but I am not looking forward to having to tightly wrap my boobies all night. Being in pajamas out in the open leaves me no option, though…

The first girls start arriving at one and bring me a ton of presents. At around three I start opening my presents and wind up with a lot of new makeup and nail polish, tons of cute clothes, several pairs of earrings, and a couple of purses. Then Mom hands me a small, flat box and smiles. I undo the ribbon and the wrapping paper and open the box. My eyebrows go up in confusion. All I see is a folded piece of paper in it. I unfold it and a dainty silver necklace falls out; it is one of those necklaces with a cursive name hooked into the chain. This one says, “Kanya.” There is also a nice pair of silver dangly earrings. But, the real surprise is what the paper says. I look at it again and can barely catch my breath, it says my official name is now “Kanya Michelle Johnson.”

Mom comes over and clasps the necklace behind my neck as she says, “Well, Cutie Pie, I legally changed your name. You are now officially ‘Kanya’. It just seemed so…right. You have been so happy as Kanya lately. I added ‘Michelle’ because that is what I would have named you if you had been born a girl.” Hom grins and asks, “What does ‘cutie pie’ mean?” Mom explains it to her and Hom laughs. She says, “That is too American for our Kanya–she is not a cutie pie, she is a Thai pie!” I groan, but know right away it is going to stick. I no more than get my old nickname changed to my real one, even if I did not ask for it, and it gets changed to a new nickname…

Mom finally goes to bed around midnight. I wait another half hour until I am sure that she is asleep and then I say to Hom and the girls, “Don’t freak out, OK? But this is killing me.” I take off my nightie and undo the wrap around my boobies. Hom gasps is surprise at the same time as I sigh in relief. I rub the blood back into my freed boobies, put my nightie back on, and shush the girls, “Shhh! I don’t want to wake Mommy. She can’t know…” I start telling them a spruced up version of the truth about the hormones, leaving A-Wut out of it, when Hom gasps again. She says, “It was A-Wut, wasn’t it? That is what he was always doing with…no, to…you at school all the time! Were you doing it voluntarily? No, I don’t think so–it has something to do with Dao, doesn’t it?”

At that moment, a flood of emotions washes over me. A mixture of relief and absolute terror; relief that someone has finally figured it out and I am not going to have to keep the secret so close anymore and terror that A-Wut will find out.

Hom starts a movie in case Mommy wakes up and we all huddle. I tell them the real truth and Hom asks, “So, you never wanted to be a girl?” I shake my head and say, “Not in the beginning, no.” Then she asks, “And now?” I think about what I would do if I had a real choice. Finally, I say, “I don’t know, Hom. There are some things I miss about being a boy, but there are a lot of things I love about being a girl--mostly I love being with you guys; being one of you girls. If I really had a choice, it would be hard to decide now, I think, but it is a moot point. I am stuck as a girl–but I am really glad that I am stuck with all of you! I love you guys and love being a part of this group!”

Then Hom and the girls start plotting. They are determined to get back at A-Wut. One thing I learned over the past few weeks is that when they set their mind to something you better watch out. It took them weeks of campaigning and starting a petition but they won, and, starting next week, I am allowed to use the girl’s room at school. I am scared that this may backfire, though. I beg them to be really careful for Dao’s sake–and quietly to myself I think for mine.

I was afraid that things would get weird between us after my admission, but we are all up the rest of the night talking and planning and they do not treat me any differently at all–if anything, our bond seems to have become even tighter…

To be continued in Part 6.

Kanya has several big decisions to make.

I am really nervous when I get to school on Monday. After all the girls had left on Sunday, I had really got to thinking about the plotting they were doing. What if it all goes bad?

I pass A-Wut in the halls on the way to class and he has the usual smug smirk on his face. He mockingly acts like he grabs his boobs, looking straight at mine, wiggles his butt, and laughs. Furious, I storm into the classroom and sit at my desk. Hom is already sitting at hers and asks, “What’s up, Thai Pie? You look really upset.” I blow out my breath and tell her about A-Wut. Hom’s eyes flash angrily and she looks pointedly at Chimlin, who is the main girl in their plan. Chimlin nods and I know that their operation is about to go into effect.

Chimlin moves over to a different desk as soon as Sunan, one of A-Wut’s group, comes in. He is the only one of A-Wut’s group that is in our class and, actually, does not seem to be as much under A-Wut’s thumb as the others. She sits at the desk right in front of his. As class starts, she hands a note back to him. I notice his eyes get wide as he reads it–and then he blushes.

~~~~~

Over the next couple of weeks, there is a budding ‘romance’ between Chimlin and Sunan. By the end of the fourth week, Chimlin has Sunan eating out of her hand. She has him so wrapped around her little finger that he would do anything for her…

The Monday that marks my third month of hormones turns out to be an important ‘anniversary’ date. I am in Buppha’s office and she gives me the two new ‘long-lasting’ shots. She tells me that I only have to get these once a month, rather than weekly. I can’t say that I am disappointed in that, since they burn just as badly. She takes my measurements; I have gained another half inch (and shoe size) and my bust is now a B-cup (which I already knew because Malee had adjusted my bras to ones with less padding and also exchanged my shoes again). The phone buzzes; she answers and tells me to go to Miss Karawek’s office right away.

I nervously knock on Miss Karawek’s door, not knowing what to expect. She opens it and smiles at me. Then she tells me to come in. I am surprised to see A-Wut in the office, with a very red face. Miss Karawek looks harshly at him and says to me, “Kanya, A-Wut has admitted to bullying and blackmailing you into taking female hormones. He has also admitted to maneuvering you into taking the shots. Is this true?” A flood of emotions and relief hits me. Could this nightmare be over?

I nod and say in a gush of words, “Yes, Ma’am. When I first got here, I was really vulnerable and he got to me–because I had befriended Dao. He forced me to take the pills, saying that if I didn’t they would hurt Dao. Later, they somehow got ‘evidence’ to frame Dao and me for stealing pills from his Dad. He said that no one would believe me because I am a kathoey…and that they would take his word over mine…that Dao and I would go to jail. Dao said it was true that no one would believe us…”

A-Wut’s face gets redder and redder as I speak. I look at Miss Karawek and ask, “Will I get into trouble now? Can he really do that to me?” She comes over and hugs me and says, “No, Thai Pie, he is right that a boy’s word would probably carry more weight than a kathoey’s in some circles, but he was bluffing you. Besides, his friend, Sunan, is the one that originally confessed to all of this and implicated A-Wut.”

At that moment, there is a knock on the door. Miss Karawek opens it and a kind-looking man comes in, although he seems very agitated and angry. A-Wut’s face goes extremely pale. Miss Karawek smiles at the man and says, “Welcome Dr. Mongkut. It is nice to see you again, although not under these circumstances. A-Wut, please wait outside while your father and I talk to Kanya.”

After A-Wut slinks out, Miss Karawek introduces me to A-Wut’s father, “Kanya, this is Dr. Mongkut, A-Wut’s father. He is also the doctor that did my surgery a few years ago to complete my female body.” She smiles at him and then at me. He gives me a kind but sad look and says in a gentle voice, “I am so sorry for what my son has done to you, Kanya. It is inexcusable and he will be severely punished. There is no way to make up for what he has done, but you will be the judge as to how far his punishment will go–we will talk about that later, though. We need to let your mother know what has been going on with you now–it is past time.”

I feel the blood drain from my face. Explaining all of this to Mommy is going to be hard. Then I have another thought and ask, “But won’t Miss Karawek, Malee, and Nurse Buppha get into trouble for helping me with what they did?” Dr. Mongkut shakes his head and says, “Don’t worry your pretty little head over that. A-Wut will bear the complete blame for what has happened. It was, after all, his fault. I will make sure that your friends are not blamed and that your Mommy does not know how far they went for you. I take care of my kathoey, too. They are like daughters to me.”

~~~~~

Two hours later, I am sitting in an exam room at Dr. Mongkut’s clinic.

Miss Karawek and I had gone to meet him and Mommy at his office; Mommy had rushed straight over at Miss Karawek’s call. A-Wut was nowhere to be seen when Miss Karawek and I got there, but Dr. Mongkut assured me that he ‘was being taken care of’. The following meeting with Mommy was predictably very emotional. Dr. Mongkut was true to his word, though, and the full blame was laid on A-Wut, completely sparing the others involved.

Now, Dr. Mongkut is giving me a thorough exam. Mommy just gasps when he has me undress, including takiing off my bra, and she sees the full extent of my breasts and developing curves. She just mumbles that she can’t believe that she did not notice the changes before and I don’t explain either. A nurse comes in, draws some blood, and takes it to the lab for a quick analysis.

Several minutes later, Dr. Mongkut declares that I am healthy and in the full throws of a healthy female puberty. He then says, “Kanya, you are underage and the final decision is up to your Mommy what happens, but I would like to know from you what you would like to do. You don’t have to answer right now, the blockers and hormones in your system are going to take at least four weeks to get out. During that time, you will continue to develop as a girl. It would not be good for me to give you more drugs to counter that, though. Most of the feminine developments, with the exception of your breasts, are still mostly reversible anyway, if you decide to go back to being Danny.”

Mommy starts to speak for me and Dr. Mongkut asks her really nicely to let me speak for myself. I look at her for permission and she sighs and says, “Yes, Dr. Mongkut is right. I would also like to hear what you are thinking. I will have to take you to a psychiatrist to deal with this anyways–I may have to go, myself.” I look at them both and say, “I don’t need a psychiatrist, Mommy. Really–over the past few weeks, my friends have really helped me through this. I never really knew what having friends meant until now.” Mommy sort of deflates at that admission.

I look at Dr. Mongkut and ask, “What can I do? What do you recommend I do?” He smiles and says, “Well, there are three basic options. One, you do nothing–the blockers and female hormones will work their way out of your system and your normal body functions will take over. There is a pretty good risk that after this amount of time and the levels of hormones you took that you will be sterile, though. It is also possible that you will produce less boy hormone than normal because your boy parts have shrunken too much. So, for this scenario you may have to actually take boy hormones the rest of your life.”

He continues, ignoring the shocked look on Mommy’s face, “The second option is to keep you on a blocker without any hormones until you are older and, according to Western opinion, better able to determine what you want to do. I don’t recommend this option because that would stop your development in the middle of your puberty. Your body is in ‘growth mode’ right now–many things happen during puberty other than developing sexually. You have likely noticed you are getting taller or that your feet are growing? Stopping that now could create a lot of complications later when you start hormones back up, regardless of which kind.”

Mommy still looks really unhappy as he continues, “The third option is to basically continue the course you were on, only under my, or another doctor’s, supervision. We would continue to give you hormone blockers to prevent you from making boy hormones and also give you girl hormones to finish out your puberty, and then for the rest of your life to keep you healthy as a woman.”

Mommy is a little red in the face as he finishes, “Like I said, you have at least four weeks or so to decide, so why don’t you think about it some more and talk to your Mommy when you get home.” I nod, lost in thought–what do I want? And will Mommy support my decision? I have come to like my life as it is. Will I have to go to some stupid shrink and let them squeeze my head or give me some electro-shock therapy or other stuff like they show in the movies?

I finally say, “OK, I will talk to Mommy about it and think hard about what I want. I sort of like being a girl now, though…” I look at Mommy and say, “I won’t talk to a shrink if you take me, though. I would rather talk to you and my friends that have all been here for me.” I guess finally standing up to A-Wut, even with a lot of help, has given me the courage to stand up for myself to others, too–Mommy included.

Mommy agrees to hold off on any decisions until we can talk. She is quiet about the shrink, but I am pretty sure I can win that battle. I am not sure I will get what I really want in the end, though. Whatever that is…

~~~~~

Dr. Mongkut tells me to get dressed and we all go back to his office where Miss Karawek is still waiting.

Dr. Mongkut gets us all some tea and quietly begins talking, “Now that we have sorted out Kanya, or at least have a plan, we need to talk about A-Wut. He did a terrible thing to you, Kanya. I have already laid out the beginnings of his punishment, but the full extent is up to you. You and your Mommy can go to the police and formally charge him as one option. I can tell you that any punishment he would get from that will hold no light to what I have planned. If you are willing to let me take care of it, I can promise you that he will not do anything like this again.”

He gets up and opens the door to let a red-faced girl in. I gasp in shock as I recognize A-Wut. Dr. Mongkut says, “I would like you to meet Kamlai, it means ‘bracelet’ to remind her that this is life is like her shackle. Regardless of what you decide to do about the police, Kamlai is here to stay for quite some time. Like you Kanya, when A-Wut forced you to start taking hormones, Kamlai has not begun puberty yet. I have given her a blocker to ensure that she does not develop into a boy until she has paid for her crime. What that means is up to you.”

At first, Mommy is shocked. Then she settles down. Her diplomatic time in Thailand has started to let her see things more through their eyes and she realizes that, for Thailand, this is not a cruel punishment. Her American side does not like it, though. I, on the other hand, am starting to embrace Thai thinking and customs and also like the revenge side of things, even though I know it is bad to do so. I say, “I can’t say what Mommy will do, but I will not go to the police, nor encourage anyone else to.”

Mommy looks at me, shocked, and says, “Kanya…Danny…you don’t want to press charges? A-Wut assaulted you!” I look at Mommy and quietly, but firmly, say, “A-Wut holds no regard for kathoey or regular girls. I think it will do him a lot of good to learn more about what it is like to have others think they are better than you. Being Kamlai, a kathoey, is perfect for that. And for now, I am still Kanya, Mommy. Remember? You changed my name!”

Mommy is exasperated and says, “I can change it back just as easily. I don’t get it…” Miss Karawek speaks up at that moment and says, “Ms. Johnson, Kanya has grown up a lot over the last months. She has a much different perspective on life than she ever would have had under other circumstances. Until you have walked a mile in these shoes, you can’t comprehend the struggles–internal and external. I beg you to trust your…child.” Mommy finally relents, although I know it is not over–we will be talking about this more at home.

Dr. Mongkut continues, “Kanya, here is what I want you to please tell me. Do you want Kamlai to have to take hormones like you did? She will be on blockers until she is at least sixteen, regardless. That is my punishment to her. You can decide whether she should become my full daughter now, or whether she will decide on her own at sixteen. She will be treated only as a girl until then, either way.”

I want to say ‘yes’. I want to scream ‘Hell, yes!’ I really do…and I almost do. But then I think about it and my rage cools down. I finally say, “Dr. Mongkut, you are right. What A-Wut did to me was terrible. But he has hurt a lot of other people, too–like Dao. I do not feel comfortable making Kamlai go through what A-Wut put me through out of vengeance; then I am no better than A-Wut. I fully believe that Kamlai will learn firsthand how serious and wrong what A-Wut did was without me forcing hormones on her. I would say that you should ask others that A-Wut bullied and terrified what they think, though. They deserve to have a say; especially Dao, who really believes that she has no say in anything.

Mommy has a shocked, but thoughtful, look on her face as I say this. Miss Karawek leans over and whispers in her ear, “See, I told you she has grown up. Trust her feelings, they are true.” Dr. Mongkut nods at me and says, “Very well, Kanya. I shall consult with Dao and any others that you suggest and let the consensus decide. Miss Karawek, Kamlai will join your school tomorrow and I expect her to be treated as any other kathoey. I understand that Kanya and Kamlai will now be using the girl’s bathroom? I trust you will me know if Kamlai has problems adjusting to her new role? I can be of further assistance, if need be.”

Miss Karawek smiles and says, “Yes, we will be pleased to have Kamlai in our school. Kanya and the other girls can make sure that she fits in and complies with all of the rules.” I nod and Mommy speaks up, “Dan…Kanya…Dang! I am back to not knowing what to call you, again. Are you sure you want to keep going to school as Kanja? You can go back to Danny, you know…”

I shake my head and say, “Mommy, I fit in as Kanya. All my friends are Kanya’s. My old clothes would not fit me anymore, and besides, I like my Kanya clothes.” I get a twinkle in my eye and say, “Besides, I can be Kamlai’s friend much better as Kanya!”

~~~~~

Mommy and I argue a long time after we get home. She still wants me to see a shrink at first; but after we talk and cry together for a really long time, she agrees to wait and see how things go. I feel really good about myself right now and I am able to convince her of that.

What I don’t know is what to do about the hormone thing. Mommy pushes me to consider just dropping the blockers and hormones and letting my body go back to its normal self–whatever that may be. But I get the feeling that she would be kind of sad to see her daughter go, too. I think about my life over the last couple of months and know why I feel so good about myself. I am out from under the pressure of A-Wut’s threats and that alone feels good, but it is more than that.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong somewhere. I have friends that I really like to hang out with. Friends I can relate to, confide in, rely on. I just seem to fit in better as Kanya than Danny ever did and being Danny is a slowly fading memory. Although I miss some of the things I used to do as Danny with Dad, I know that is not an option anymore and I have a lot more fun with Mommy as Kanya…

~~~~~

The next day, everyone at school is buzzing. Not because we have another kathoey at school, not even because of who the kathoey is, but because of why we have another kathoey. Miss Karawek publically announced why A-Wut is no longer there and Kamlai is. A-Wut had bullied enough people that Kamlai’s life will be interesting for quite some time; that is for sure.

Miss Karawek also lets me know that Dao and the others that I had suggested Dr. Mongkut talk to had all agreed that Kamlai should be given hormones. I almost feel sorry for her, but not quite. I am sort of happy that she is going to have to go through everything that A-Wut put me through, but I am glad that I did not force it. This sends an even stronger message.

Miss Karawek tells me that Kamlai has already received a shot to get the hormones into her system and an implant that will continue to provide her with hormones for five years, and she will be on them the rest of her life, since any changes will be permanent by then. We agree to not tell Mommy that, though. She still would not fully understand…

I run into Kamlai later in the day and it seems the hormones are already taking effect. She is sobbing uncontrollably and is totally emotional. She tries to blame me for her woes and I just laugh at her. I wish her good luck convincing anyone of that and leave her standing alone, crying her heart out, to join Hom and Chimlin. Chimlin has just ‘broken up’ with Sunan and she and Hom are giggling about how it all worked out. I hug them both and we go arm in arm to the girl’s room to check our makeup…

To be continued in Part 7.

Kanya’s big choice–which way will she go?

“Kanya, you need to remember that kathoey are there for each other,” Miss Karawek admonishes me later that afternoon. She continues, “I know that what A-Wut did to you is unforgiveable, but, as a kathoey, it is your responsibility to help Kamlai become a happy kathoey herself.” I sigh and go find Kamlai…

She is still quietly crying to herself. I timidly go up to her and ask, “OK, Kamlai, what can I do to help you in your new life? I know that the flood of hormones you are feeling right now is a lot to embrace; the tears seem like they will never stop. You will adjust, though.” Kamlai looks at me like I am a snake about to bite her. I just smile and ask, “Well?”

Kamlai sniffs and tells me about how Sunan had confessed and Miss Karawek had confronted him. Then she tells me how her Dad had taken her to his clinic after I had told my story. She tells me about the terror she had experienced as some kathoeys at the clinic had put her into girl’s clothes and made up her face. Then…her dad had given her her new name…a normal girl’s name; one that usually means a pretty piece of jewelry–but he had explained that in her case, it was more like a shackle and she had cried bitterly for the first time as a kathoey.

She sniffles and wipes her nose on a tissue. Finally, she continues, “Then, later that evening, he injected me with hormones, he said that all of the people that I had hurt had condemned me to them to pay for my crimes. That I am to be a girl, a kathoey for the rest of my life…and then he put in the implants…” She starts bawling at that point.

I look at Kamlai and simply ask, “And how did that make you feel?” She looks at me like that was the most stupid question that anyone could ever ask. She says, “Terrible, scared, helpless…” I nod and say, “Yes, Kamlai, that pretty much describes how I felt when A-Wut forced me to become a kathoey.”

I take a deep breath and say, “Kamlai, I want you to know that I did not ask your father to give you the hormones. I did tell him that he should ask the others that you were terrible to. They are the ones that decided you need to pay that price. I was OK with the original punishment of you being a kathoey for a while to see what it is like. But, now that you are one, no matter what I decide now that I have a choice, I will do my best to help you adjust. There are many really good things about being a kathoey…”

I obviously don’t break any ice that day with Kamlai, but I did the best I could and don’t give up. I even get Hom and the girls to start including a very reluctant Kamlai in some activities. Miss Karawek makes sure that she stays engaged and all of her teachers ‘encourage’ appropriate feminine behaviors from her.

Over the next couple of weeks, she starts to slowly adjust her behaviors. Sunan is now the ‘king’ of our age group and it really irks Kamlai, especially when he treats her like a kathoey–like a girl. Sunan is not a bully like A-Wut was, but he certainly does not cut Kamlai any slack and wastes no opportunity to remind her of her ‘female’ status.

~~~~~

As for me, well, the best thing that has come of this, is that I can finally put on a nightie around Mommy and not have to bind my boobies. She still shakes her head when she sees them loose and filling out the top of the nightie, but I don’t care. I can chill in comfort.

I spend the first two weeks after the truth had come out exploring being able to dress more freely without having to worry about Mommy noticing anything. I am now 5’4” and almost as tall as Mommy. Her size seven shoes almost fit me, although they are still a bit big, since I am a size six. Mommy is considered ‘petite’ at 5’6” and a wears a size three dress. Daddy was not much taller than Mommy at 5’10”. So, chances are, I am not going to be really tall, regardless of what I decide to do.

I put on a pair of my size two jeans and look in the mirror and notice that my curves are starting to show as much as my boobies. My legs look less like sticks and are shapelier. My butt is getting rounder and, together with my thighs, I am filling my jeans out more. My waist is narrowing and the overall look is getting to be very feminine, although I have to tuck my mini-guy to create a flat front. I put on a white, blouse and make sure that my cleavage is covered, since Mommy really does not like when it shows...

I am excited! Our two-week spring-break starts tomorrow and I have plans to spend time with Hom and Chimlin, as well as Dao. Malee wants me to work more on my modeling skills, too. And then Mommy springs a decision she has made on me at supper. She looks at me seriously and says, “Kanya, you have two weeks left before we have to decide what to do about your hormonal decision. Since you are going to be off those two weeks, I want you to go back to being Danny to see what it is like again. I want to be sure that you are seriously considering what you want. I am still not sure it is best to let you decide, but I am open to hearing what you want, but only if you have really thought about it.”

I am stunned. I play with my food on my plate for a bit, but don’t take another bite. Finally, I say, “Mommy, I had plans for my break. Plans that do not include being Danny. There are things that I want to do as Kanya, not Danny. For all I know, you will make me go back to being Danny for good, then these are my last two weeks to be Kanya.”

Mommy notices my choice of words and asks, “Make you go back? Does that mean that you have decided you want to stay Kanya?” I shake my head and say, “No. But you just said you may not let me make the decision!” She smiles and says, “Touché. OK, I will compromise with you. You will split the two weeks and be Danny for one and you can do your Kanya things for the other. But, you have to be Danny full-time for the week. Also, I am still not saying that I will just let you decide on a whim. But, if you can convince me that you want one or the other with all of your heart and can explain why, then I will really listen and consider it. Deal?”

I know I am not going to get anything better than that. It really is going to mess with my plans, but I nod my head and hug her. I say, “Yes, Mommy. Deal. But can I get the Danny stuff out of the way the first week?” She hugs me and says, “Yes.” She goes and gets a bag that has a couple of pairs of boy’s jeans, shirts, socks, underwear, and running shoes. Inwardly, I groan. Outwardly, I wanly smile and take the bag. Mommy says, “Tomorrow, then…”

~~~~~

I get up and see the clothes laid out to remind me of my week-long sentence. A few short months ago, wearing girl’s clothes was the sentence. Maybe Mommy is right, I need to give this a chance. I take a shower, using just soap and shampoo and dry off. I put on a pair of the undies and notice immediately how scratchy they are. I put on a bra, I still have to wear one for the support. I sit down and almost start putting on makeup. Then I remember I am ‘Danny’…but, my face feels naked without it.

I put on a shirt and grimace at how rough it feels. I struggle with the buttons on the wrong side of the shirt and the fact that it is tight over my boobies. Then…I put on the jeans. I groan…mostly in discomfort. They are too tight on my thighs and hips; there is a huge gap at my waist; and they are so…stiff. My Kanya jeans are all soft and stretchy, these are really uncomfortable.

I tie my hair back in a ponytail and put on my socks and shoes. I go out to get breakfast. Mommy has it all made–as Danny, I guess I am not expected to help with the girly chores. I am not sure whether that is some sort of bribe, but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Although…I feel weird not helping…

Mommy asks me, “Danny, what are your plans for today?” I blush and say, “Well, I had already made plans with Hom and Chimlin, so I guess I will go meet them and see if they still want me around…” Mommy says, “Of course they will! Why wouldn’t they want a cute guy around?” I don’t say it is because we were going to the mall to try on outfits.

To my surprise, the girls are OK with me sticking around. They do their best to include me, but it is strained and I miss being Kanya. They joke with me, but it is half-hearted. As we part, they just say how much happier I seem as Kanya and that they miss her already…

The week goes by slowly. I quickly get used to not having to do chores, but the boy books and magazines that Mommy puts back on my Kindle don’t really grab me anymore, so I am pretty bored. I go outside and find Dao. She is the most understanding of my situation and we spend a lot of time talking. She is the only one that really keeps me sane.

~~~~~

By the time the second week rolls around, I am starting to readjust to being Danny, but the Danny of old…quiet, reserved, isolated…

It feels a little weird to get up and put on my silky panties and bra after my shower and then to put on my makeup. I only feel weird for a little bit, though…then, I feel free. The lonely shackles of being Danny are lifted and I call Hom. We meet at the mall, Chimlin can’t make it, and spend the day like we had planned last week…just being near-teenage girls trying on clothes and having fun.

The next day, Miss Karawek comes by and picks me up to take me to Malee’s. She has me put on a really cool outfit and five inch heels. Then she has me practice my walk to make sure the week as Danny did not make me forget. After a few minutes, she is satisfied and has me go to the catwalk to model the outfit. There are a few people that I don’t know watching me and I am a bit self-conscious, but I don’t fall or anything. I finish the walk, leave the runway, and get a big hug from Miss Karawek.

Malee comes up to me after a few minutes and introduces me to a Ms. Bussaba. It turns out that she is the owner of a local modeling company and wants me to model a few things at a show on Saturday. This had been an audition and I did not even know it. Malee asks me, “Are you interested, Kanya?” I nod enthusiastically and say, “Oh, yes. It would be awesome fun!” Malee says, “Of course, you will get paid for the job, as well.” Miss Karawek says she will talk to Mommy to get the permission slip signed.

Mommy somewhat reluctantly signs the permission slip and I spend a couple of hours a day for the rest of the week practicing. Malee is relentless, making me walk the walk and putting on makeup. The walking is easy, since Malee had been making me practice for so long. The makeup is another thing. The way Malee shows me, I look more like I am eighteen when she is done. By the end of the week, I am really good at it, though.

~~~~~

Miss Karawek picks Mommy and me up and drives us to the arena where we are going to put on the fashion show. I go to the side entrance and find Malee while Miss Karawek and Mommy go in the front entrance to find their seats.

Malee supervises me putting on my makeup. When she is satisfied, she takes me to the racks of dresses and finds the first one I am supposed to put on. First, she has me put on fishnet stockings and a different push-up bra that creates a lot of cleavage. Then she has me put on a short, gold dress that shows all of that cleavage. Finally, I put on bright red five-inch stilettos. She puts long, dangly earrings in my ears and sends me to get in line. There are two girls ahead of me and four minutes later it is my turn.

With the bright lights shining on me, it is hard to see the audience, but my heart is pounding. I just concentrate on my walk and not falling on my face. I make it back off the walk and Malee hugs me as she says, “Awesome, Kanya! Come on; we need to get you changed into your next dress.

Four dresses later, it is over. I get back into my own clothes and take off the heavy makeup. Mommy and Miss Karawek come backstage to meet me and both hug me for doing a good job. At that moment, Malee comes over with Ms. Bussaba, who shakes Mommy’s hand.

She turns to me and says, “Kanya, you did very well today. Here is your check. I would really like you to sign a contract with us. Miss Malee is willing to be your manager and you can work out those details yourself, but I will need to know whether you are willing by next week. You could make some substantial money, plus maybe even get other contracts…”

Mommy nicely tells her that we will think about it and Miss Karawek takes us to the car. On the drive home, Miss Karawek asks, “Thai Pie, what do you think about the offer? You have to make a choice on being Danny or Kanya on Monday and this is obviously something only Kanya can do…”

Mommy only says, “It is a nice offer, but it can’t be a deciding factor in that choice, Sweetie. We will have to think about it tonight. Tomorrow, you can let me know your thoughts on what you would like to do and we will decide.”

To be continued in Part 8.

Kanya’s big choice–Can she convince Mommy to support it?

Mommy only says, “It is a nice offer, but it can’t be a deciding factor in that choice, Sweetie. We will have to think about it tonight. Tomorrow, you can let me know your thoughts on what you would like to do and we will decide.”

I am quiet the rest of the ride home. I help get supper ready and we sit down and eat. There are a hundred thousand things going through my mind. Could I stay as Kanya and model? Could it be my career? Should I stay as Kanya? Do I want to be a model? Does it matter what I want? Will Mommy even let me decide? What about Danny? What would Daddy say?

Mommy is quiet and just lets me think. After we finish up the dishes, she makes us a cup of herbal tea and we sit down on the couch to talk. She asks, “OK, Kanya, what are you thinking? Do you want to go back to being my son? Or are you leaning towards being my daughter?”

I sigh and get ready for a fight. I just know what feels right--what I want to do with all my heart. But, how do I convince her? I say, “Mommy, I have really thought about this. I had made up my mind before today. I think I have known for a while now. I would really like to be Kanya. Being a model would be icing on the cake, at least for a while until I know whether I like it or not, but that has nothing to do with my choice.”

I hold my breath and wait for Mommy to respond. I am fully expecting her to just laugh, or something… She looks at me…but she doesn’t laugh. She sighs and says, “I expected that was going to be your answer; I have known for a while that you have been much happier as Kanya than you ever were as Danny. Honestly, I would miss Kanya so much if Danny were to return. The week you were Danny was one of the longest I have had in a long time. But those are just surface emotions we are having. I don’t want you to regret the decision in a few years. This will affect you the rest of your life.”

I look at Mommy in a different light. She really likes me better as Kanya! I take a breath and say, “OK, Mommy. I can say without any emotions that my life as Kanya is better. As Danny, I don’t have any friends and never have really been able to make any. As Kanya, I have several that are so good that they conspired to bring A-Wut down for me.”

I pause, then continue, “As Danny, I don’t really want to do much other than hang around the house and read–and I don’t like those books anymore. As Kanya, I have a social life that I really enjoy.” I wait and let that sink in, then continue, “As Danny, I don’t have near the connection to you Mommy as I do as Kanya. I missed that terribly for that week as Danny, Mommy. You treat me differently as Danny than as Kanya.”

I wait a bit more and then say, “Mommy, you have to let me be Kanya! I never intended to fall in love with that life, but I have become Kanya. I am not Danny anymore!”

Mommy is quiet for a while and finally says, “Kanya, let me think about it for a while and sleep on it. I will let you know in the morning. In the meantime, let’s make some popcorn and watch a good girlie movie together.”

After we both cry through the movie, we go to bed and I barely sleep a wink. I just know Mommy is going to make me go back to being Danny. Or, maybe just put my hormones on hold until I can see some shrink…

I finally just get up at six and take a long hot shower. I use all of my skin products and then carefully put on my makeup; I don’t know if this is the last time I will get to do so. I get dressed and go to the kitchen to make pancakes and bacon. The tea has just finished brewing when Mommy comes in and says, “Kanya? You are up early. And you made breakfast?” She smiles and sits down. I serve her some pancakes and can’t wait anymore, “OK, Mommy. I couldn’t sleep. Are you going to let me be Kanya? Please? I don’t think I could take going back to Danny, now.”

Mommy takes several bites of pancake and chews them very slowly. Then she takes several sips of her tea after stirring it forever. Finally, she takes pity on me and says, “Kanya, Sweetie. My little Thai Pie, I really know that you are at peace as Kanya. I am not a psychiatrist and I will be judged by many in the family, and others back home, but I trust your feelings. Miss Karawek is right, I need to listen to you. I just hope you don’t blame me for it later.”

I jump up and hug Mommy and almost shout, but wind up just whispering, “Thank you! Oh, thank you, Mommy. Of course I won’t blame you. I love you for it!” We are both crying and I wind up having to completely redo my makeup.

Mommy and I just spend the whole day watching girlie movies and baking and chilling… It is one of the best days of my life.

~~~~~

Mommy and I are back at Dr. Mongkut’s clinic waiting for my appointment. I didn’t think school would ever end, I was so excited. Hom and Chimlin were totally excited to see me show up at school as Kanya and Miss Karawek just smiled and hugged me.

Finally, we are called in. We had only been waiting for ten minutes, but it felt like ten years. Dr. Mongkut smiles at me and asks, “So, Kanya. Have you made a decision?” I nod enthusiastically and say, “Yes, Sir. I want to continue with girl hormones. I have decided that I really am Kanya and Mommy is going to let me be her.” He looks at Mommy and she nods–only showing a little that is she is a bit unsure of herself.

Dr. Mongkut says, “OK, Kanya. I know that your Mommy is a little nervous, since you are so young, but I have learned to trust little girls’ feelings–and to me you are a little girl. There is no doubt in my mind at all, even if you came to know that in an unfortunate manner. So I am going to give you the same implants that Kamlai has. That way you won’t have to take pills every day, or shots every week or month. The implants will last for five years and then you will have to get new ones. I still want to see you at least once a month for a while, though, to check up on your progress. So, are you ready?”

I just nod and feel like I am in a dream when he inserts the implants. When he is done, he says, “Kanya, we will discuss many other options you have to become a more complete girl when you are a little older. Because I think of you as an adoptive daughter, anything that we do will be at no cost to you. I thank you for helping me with your new sister, Kamlai. She has a long road to peace, but I know you will help her.”

I hug Dr. Mongkut and Mommy and I leave. I smile at Mommy and say, “I can’t believe it. I was so afraid that you would make me go back to being Danny.” Mommy has tears in her eyes and says, “I had to let Danny die to gain my daughter. I almost did not let that happen, Thai Pie, but I knew it was the right thing for you. I love you so much.

~~~~~

Miss Karawek calls me into her office after second period the next morning. I am surprised and have no idea what is up. She hugs me and congratulates me on really becoming Kanya and a true kathoey. She says, “Thai Pie, Dr. Mongkut told me that you agreed to help Kamlai as a sister despite your past. I would expect nothing less of one kathoey to another, but I know this is a special case. Now, I have a favor to ask of you, as well.”

Now I am really surprised, but say without hesitation, “Of, course Miss Karawek–anything.” She smiles and says, “Well, make that two favors. First, you need to stop calling me ‘Miss’ Karawek. Karawek is my first name, did you know that? So, why don’t you call me ‘Aunt’ Karawek? We are, after all, family now.”

I feel all gooey as she says that and hug her again. After I agree to call her Aunt, she continues, “The second favor I have to ask of you is a little more complicated. You see, I have adopted a daughter, well a kathoey, and I would like for you to be a sister to her, as well. Maybe bring her into your circle of friends if they will have her?”

I smile really big and say enthusiastically, “Of course, Mi…Aunt Karawek. But who is this new sister of mine?” She just smiles and speaks into the intercom, “You can come in now...” The door opens and a girl comes in. I jump and hug my oldest Thai friend and, through free-flowing tears, say, “Dao? How can this be? What happened to your uncle?”

Dao is so emotional that she can’t speak, so Aunt Karawek explains, “I was able to come to an ‘agreement’ with Dao’s uncle. He has relinquished all claims to her and I am her legal guardian until the adoption is final in a couple of weeks. Dao will be going to school here, of course, and will not be entering the ‘entertainment business’. She has you to thank for that, Thai Pie. I can’t save all of the kathoey, but I was looking for a special case to take a special interest in. You put me on her trail…”

~~~~~

I introduce Dao to Hom, Chimlin, and the other girls at lunch. Hom, Chimlin, Dao, and I become inseparable pretty much from that point forward, especially since they know that Dao is basically the reason that ‘Kanya’ exists. We make a pact to pull Kamlai into the group, just so we can turn her into a girly-girl for the fun of it. Poor Kamlai does not have any chance to resist our combined efforts, she just doesn’t know it yet.

The next day, Aunt Karawek takes me to Malee’s. Malee hugs me and cries as she says, “I couldn’t believe it when Karawek told me that you are here to stay, Thai Pie! I was so afraid that your Mommy was going to sentence you to being Danny until you were old enough to do what you wanted and ruin you with boy hormones in the meantime. Has she said anything about you modeling?”

I smile at Malee and Aunt Karawek says, “Malee, Kanya’s Mom is willing to talk about it. She is OK with working a short-term deal to let Kanya try it out and see how she likes it. It has to be clear that her studies come first and cannot suffer. She has given me the power to act as her manager and is willing you let you act as her agent. You will get say ten percent of her earnings for this short-term, say six month, deal. We can renegotiate if it turns into something more long-term. Just so you know, I am doing this for free.”

Malee smiles and says, “Six months is a good starting point. We already have one client and it won’t pay much. I don’t want a cut of anything you earn to start out with. However, I am fully confident that you will love this, Thai Pie, and want to continue. Don’t get me wrong, you are young and it is hard work, but I think it is in your blood–you are a natural. I am also confident that offers will come quickly and you will be one sought-after model. When those high-paying jobs come along, then I will take a small cut as your agent. Deal?”

We all shake on it and Malee calls Ms. Bussaba to let her know that I will sign a six-month contract, as a start.

~~~~~

The next weekend is my first modelling gig under contract. I model ten dresses and make the equivalent of three hundred dollars for about two hours of work. Hom, Chimlin, Aunt Karawek, and Dao are all there to cheer me on. What surprises me more is that Dr. Mongkut, his wife, and Kamlai are there, as well. Malee was right, I love the work…and after a few sessions, clients start asking Malee for the American ‘Thai Pie’ to model for them–and the offers become increasingly lucrative. Malee tells me it will only get better as my body continues to develop…

But that is the stuff of another story…