The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

Light started returning again.

I opened my eyes.

I'm still in the hospital room. Other than the time of day it doesn't seem like this dream has changed any. I still look like I have Tara's body.

I was beginning to worry that maybe this wasn't actually a dream.

"But... this has to be a dream." I said to myself. I still have Tara's voice, too.

At just that moment, the Doctor walked back into the room. "I wish more of my patients would say that when I walked into their room. Could use a bit of an ego boost some days."

I just rolled my eyes at that. He laughed a little bit as he watched me do it.

"Now Tara, when you came in you were a bit bruised up and had a nasty head wound. So, I'm afraid I have to ask some of these questions first."

Oh, great, interrogation, one of my favorite parts of trips to the hospital. I eyed the building across the street again. I remember watching the demolition on the news. That building shouldn't be there.

He continued. "First, can you tell me the rest of your name?"

My name? I'm not even sure of my body at the moment. He was staring at me, and I began to panic a bit. "Uh... um, Smith."

If it was good enough for The Doctor, it would work for me.

"Can you give us any details about how you ended up in the middle of the road outside Star City?"

"I'm not sure of very much at all right now, it's all very confusing." Something the military types taught me over the last few years, don't give anything away until you're certain of your situation, though I doubt they expected something like this.

The doctor shined a light into my eyes, checked the bandages on my head and settled into the chair next to my bed.

"Okay, Ms. Smith, I'm not going to pressure you too hard, cases of amnesia aren't unheard of after nasty cranial trauma, but if you do think of anything which may be useful in finding out if you have any family we can contact or anyone that may be looking for you. You're going to be here for a while yet until we're certain you're fully healed and we'd much prefer to have you leave either fully restored or in the care of family or friends who can look after you once you leave."

I gave a small sigh of relief, knowing that I had a bit more time to figure out exactly what was going on. "Thank you doctor, it's just... everything in my head feels wrong at the moment, like things have all shifted and I can't quite figure out how yet."

He smiled. "Well, I'm going to go check on some of my other patients, if you need assistance or start putting some of the pieces back together and need to share it with someone, please don't hesitate to use the nurse call button."

And then I was alone. I peeked under the sheets at my new body. Tara was always very fit, and had a body which was second only to my wife in it's ability to turn me on, if I'm being honest. I never cheated on my wife, and Tara was always an excellent friend, but I would be lying to myself if I said I never admired Tara's body.

However, it was a very different thing to be admiring it from this perspective. Under the sheets I was covered by your standard hospital gown, this one in very light pink, but the thin material was enough to get me rather acquainted with the curves that the sheets were hiding. I moved my legs a bit under the sheets and marveled at how smooth the legs felt against each other.

Now, I'm a scientist, sometimes you just need to verify the data, so I reached down and felt my chest. I gave my left breast a bit of a caress and lightly brushed my fingers over the nipple. The feeling I got surprised me a bit, the nipple became erect and tented the gown a bit, but it also seemed to give me a bit of a sensation in my crotch. I slowly moved my hand down towards it and confirmed a couple of things.

The first, I'm clearly female, the little bit of hair with nothing bulging out leading down further into the groin was rather unmistakable as being female. The second, however, should have been rather obvious, but managed to completely negate any sensual feelings I may have had exploring, a catheter. Nobody who's ever had one can say that they are comfortable or desirable.

After admiring my now smaller feet for a bit, I decided to turn on the television.

"Plans for the demolition of the Brightman building are continuing, several teams of engineers are still working out the best way to protect the nearby Star City Memorial Hospital from the effects of dust from the demolition. Sources suggest that the demolition should be complete late next year. In other news, Police investigators still don't have any leads regarding the massive electrical surge that occurred 2 weeks ago, knocking out several city blocks for up to a day."

I thought about that. According to the doctor it had been about 2 weeks since I was brought in. Perhaps that surge was related to my arriving here? I could imagine a cloud of free electrons wreaking havoc on a city grid if they were suddenly to appear without the standard sources like lightning.

Let's think about this. I appear to be in the past, which, while extremely unlikely, does have bearing within theory, as tachyons are supposed to travel faster than the speed of light. Once the light barrier has been broken there are versions of theory which would allow for time travel. Now that I think about it, TRIIP could be considered to use a very small form of time travel to send and receive data instantaneously, but the very idea that a whole person could be sent back is fantasy.

Then there's the other problem. Even if I allow myself to believe that the fantasy is reality, the other issue has seemingly no basis in anything even remotely reasonable.

How did I get in Tara's body?

Not that this is a bad body, just about everything about it, beyond the fact that it's not the one I've spent my life using nor the correct gender, feels amazing. Softer, more sensitive skin, for instance. I never thought I'd describe hospital sheets as an interesting experience but now I guess I have to.

Someone else enters the room. "Hi, I was told you were awake, we thought we'd give you a hair wash a couple of days early as a bit of a gift."

"Sure, go ahead." How odd, never really considered hair-washing as part of the hospital experience, either.

She makes some small talk, but I wasn't really listening. While she was careful not to disturb the bandaged portion of my head she washed the rest of my hair, and I have to admit that it took me by surprise. The feel of this woman running her hands through my hair was extremely pleasant, enough that I ended up falling asleep while she worked.

I woke later with a bit of dinner. Apparently they were a bit liquid heavy considering I haven't eaten any solid food in a couple of weeks, so I got a hearty portion of soup and some juice. Just as I was finishing my soup, while watching the news, I realized I had finally accepted that I was back in the past. Rather too much of a put on to have a farce on this scale. It's not like I'm some weapons developer that would be hauled away by a foreign government or something.

I woke up in the morning, in a bit of a sweat. I had been dreaming of the night Tara went over the bridge. I've had nightmares in the past about that night, but this time, I was... I was in Tara's viewpoint. It was uniquely creepy, but given how I now seem to be in her body I think I could understand how that happened.

I began thinking of how I could get myself out of this hospital. I had no identification, I had no transportation or money. It's not as if I could call myself. Carol wouldn't work either. My wife and I would both consider me to be absolutely crazy.

As an aside, time travel makes language difficult. I'm stuck remembering a passage from Douglas Adams about people giving up on it. How does one describe something that's already happened, but hasn't happened yet? I have trouble wrapping my head around this stuff without sitting with a few beers chatting with Brett...

That's it! I'll call Brett, we've been friends for a long time so maybe I can come up with some way to convince him.

I tried to remember where Brett would be at this time. It's hard to try and remember the schedule of someone from years ago? I had a slight hunch that he might be home. I picked up the phone. Then I hesitated. How am I going to get him into a position where I can try to confirm who I am to him?

I dialed. It ringed 3 times and then someone picked up. "Hello, Brett Thompson speaking."

"Ummm, Hi. My name is Tara, and... uhhh, Tedd told me if I ever got into serious trouble and I couldn't get a hold of him, to call this number. He said you were one of his best friends and that you could be trusted with anything."

He replied. "Well, I admit, that does sound like something Tedd might say, but I don't think I've ever heard him mention a girl named Tara."

"Umm, well, it's a bit hard to explain. Look, can you come to Star City Memorial? I'm in the hospital and they can't release me until some things are taken care of."

"Well, this is a bit sudden, but I guess I can come down there. Are you in any danger? Should I call the police?" he asked.

"No, I'm not in danger, it's just... complicated. There's no need for police." That was very Brett, worried about the details like that. He's always been a good match for me.

"Alright, I'll be there in about 45 minutes, I just need to take care of a couple of things before I leave." he replied.

"Thank you. And could you not call Tedd about this? It's a... umm, bit embarrassing and I don't want him knowing yet."

He gave a bit of a chuckle. "Sure, no problem, I'll be there soon."

***

Brett Thompson arrived just under an hour later, and we escorted to my room. I assured the nurse that I did know him from a little bit of memory and I was safe with him.

"Hi. You must be Tara. I hope everything is on up and up because Carol will be mighty upset if Tedd is being unfaithful, especially with a lovely woman like yourself."

I couldn't help it, I gave a bit of a blush.

"It's nothing like that. It's far worse and far better at the same time. Do you mind taking a seat?"

He sat down in the chair next to the bed. "Okay, I guess you weren't kidding when you said things were 'complicated', then?"

"You could say that. Brett.... I'm Tedd."

He laughed. "This is a bit far to go for prank, isn't it?"

"This isn't a prank. Look, how many people know that you had to have 3 different copies of your master's degree made because the first one misprinted 'Brenda' and the second one 'Brent'?"

"Look, several of my friends could've told you that."

"How about the scar on the inside of your left thigh from the time in the bar when an angry man almost stabbed you in the groin with a broken beer bottle."

"That's a bit creepy that you know it, but there's still several people who know that story. Who put you up to this?" He started getting a bit defensive.

I sighed. "Okay, how about this. After your wife died, you had a small bit of her hair preserved and placed in a small chamber that you had added to your wedding band. So that you'd always have a small piece of her near you. Who else could know that you always keep a small piece of Summer close?"

He wiped at a small tear that had begun forming. "... Tedd?"

"Yes!" I gave a small cheer.

He then gave me a quizzical look. "But... I just saw Tedd yesterday, the nurse said you've been here for 2 weeks. Is he an imposter?"

"I told you... it's complicated. He's Tedd. I'm Tedd. Both are true."

"But that doesn't make any sense. There can't be two Tedds." He's getting real confused now.

"I... look, maybe I could explain this with a limerick you've always been fond of."

"There once was a young lady of Wight.
 Who traveled much faster than light.
 She departed one day,
 In a relative way,
 And arrived on the previous night."

He thought for a second. "But, time travel isn't possible!"

"I know, yet here I am. With no ID, no money, and now 1 person who knows the truth."

He stared at me for a second. "So you're asking me to believe that time travel is both possible, and that you've somehow ended up in this woman's body?"

"Her name is Tara, and yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to make you believe."

"But this is all impossible!"

"Look, I need you to get me some sort of ID and get me out of here. Pull a few strings with your contacts at the DOD if you have to."

He slumped into the chair some more. "Alright, it'll take me a few days."

***

A few days later Brett brought me back to his house. I now had an identity as Tara Smith with some records giving me an education similar to what I had actually had as Tedd. We spent a few weeks going over some of the details I could fill him in on without spoiling too much of the future. He rather did fancy my telling him to take the underdog in the Super Bowl. Sports is an excellent way to prove time travel to the casual observer. There's also something special about the bond between 2 best friends.

I spent a lot of time getting used to this body. It's so much more flexible and fit than my old body. Tara had really kept herself in shape. Of course, there were downsides to it too, but I highly doubt anyone is interested in details about a woman's monthly visitor.

I was, however, occasionally getting a bit worried. Brett was always such a gentleman, but there were times I felt myself feeling a bit strange around him. It wasn't until one evening that I realized what the problem was. I caught myself in the middle of one of these strange spells staring at his butt. It was then I realized that while I had done some personal sampling of the parts, that I had a full set of female hormones running around my body. I wasn't exactly sure how to deal with this as I was still very easily turned on by women.

One night, while we were discussing a bit of trouble he'd been having at work with an electron microscope, there was a ring at the doorbell. He got up to answer it and I decided to accompany him to the door. When he opened the door I saw something that completely blew my mind.

Me. And my wife.

Brett seemed to sense a bit of the panic. "Uhh, I didn't know you guys were coming."

I... uhh, I mean, Tedd said "We thought we'd come over and share a bottle of wine and some chinese with you. We haven't done that in a long while."

He tried to smile. "Uhh, yeah. Umm, let me introduce you. Tedd, Carol, this is Tara, a friend of mine who's staying here for a while, she ran into some tough times and needed a place to stay."

"Pleased to meet you!" I... I mean Tedd reached out and took my hand to shake.

And then the universe didn't explode.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

Even Brett gaped a little bit at this, but they didn't seem to notice. I had just shook my own hand and there wasn't a giant world-ending explosion. So many ideas about time travelers meeting themselves in the past and not being able to make contact with themselves. Something about 2 copies of something occupying the same space at the same time. Carol gave me a quick little hug and I almost felt like crying. It's been so long since I've had any contact with my wife.

Brett invited them in and we sat down to enjoy a bit of food.

"So, Tara, what do you do?" Tedd asked me.

"Well, I've been studying theoretical physics, but it's surprisingly hard to find work right now. Shockingly, some days it feels like knowing the difference between a gluon and a glue stick makes you overqualified for a lot of jobs."

He gave a small laugh. "Oh, I can understand that. I do have a job in that field, in fact they've asked me to fly over to CERN in a few months to help them with their big accelerator. Apparently some of the initial testing is giving them some problems."

"Sounds like fun. I remember hearing about that project, and one of my first thoughts was that they're probably going to spend the first year just aligning detectors and reconfiguring the software."

Tedd smiled. "Yeah, that's about what I'm expecting to have to do. It's busywork but if it can help us confirm or deny the Higgs boson or anything else, it's still a benefit to science."

I looked over to Carol. "What about you, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

She sipped at her wine. "Well, I was teaching at one of the local collages. Advanced math. But I wanted to take some time off and be with Tedd before he left for CERN, since I have no idea how long he'll be there."

I wonder how people who believe in Deja Vu would view this conversation. I can clearly remember this conversation from the viewpoint of Tedd.

After we finished dining, we cleaned up and Tedd and Carol left.

"So, no earth-shattering kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom."

Brett laughed. "I dunno, maybe your new body is just different enough to your old one that it's not considered identical."

"That raises all sorts of interesting possibilities. Maybe this body is a quantum alternative to my own. So this *is* my body, just in another quantum universe."

Brett stopped me. "Hey, no theoretical science on a full stomach. I'm gonna go take a shower. It was nice seeing Tedd and Carol though."

Brett left the room, and I curled up onto the couch. I tucked my knees up against my chest and started crying.

Brett returned and spotted me on the couch. He sat down next to me and placed his hand on my shoulder. "Tara, what's wrong?"

I tried to say something but more crying came instead.

He started rubbing my shoulder. "Tara, if you don't tell me what's wrong I won't be able to try and help you through it."

I sniffled a bit. "I... I miss Carol. Hell, I miss *me* but seeing Carol tonight was hard. It's not like when I went over to CERN, knowing she was still home waiting for me. But now she looks at me and she just sees a stranger, not that look of love I've seen in her eyes for all these years."

Brett gave me a tight hug. "I can only imagine what you're going through right now. I still miss my wife all the time, but at least I know she's gone. I can't really begin to think of what it must be like to see her in front of you without knowing who you are."

I fell asleep crying with him holding on to me.

====

A few months after that, Tedd left for CERN. I knew he was going to be gone for almost a year and a half, so I kind of stopped worrying about another meeting. I started thinking about the positive things that I had.

Money. Face it, money is big factor in life. I had a fair bit of it now. Brett had given me a bit of seed money, and I had used my knowledge of sports results to win. Never too much and often making some intentional losing bets just so anyone didn't catch on that I seemed to have too uncanny an accuracy on my predictions. Enough that I paid outright for my new car.

Body. I have to admit, while there were some disadvantages, especially those of a cyclical nature, this body was wonderful. It was so sensitive and lithe and fit. I'll admit I had to do a bit of work on the last part to maintain it, but Brett does have a small home gym, so it wasn't too hard. I was still a bit hesitant to 'play' with my body however. Every time I start to get into the mode I suddenly seem to remind myself this isn't really my body. But it is...

Mind. I was still me, that which made me who I am. I do occasionally wonder about some of the changes I have noticed, but thus far I've been rather quick to point to hormones and a feminine brain structure to accommodate these. While as a man I had my full range of emotions, I seemed to just feel them so much more strongly now. And I seem to cry. A lot. When I'm sad, sure, but I very often find myself crying when I'm happy, too. Conversely, I have noticed that a good cry when you're unhappy can be immensely helpful.

Brett. Brett was a wonderful friend. We'd been best friends since college but there was still something different and amazing in our new version of the friendship. I can only imagine how weird it was for him to still be friends with Tedd but to have me around constantly. But we still had great fun together. Going to sporting events, nights out at the bar, that kind of thing. Though despite having a girl as his wing man he didn't seem to have much luck at the bars. He's also lucky that I can cook. He can't to save his own life. Literally, he nearly starved in college when left alone for a week. There was an angry letter from the fire department on the table when I got back. He never did go into detail about that, though.

***

But, of course, once you start getting happy with your lot in life, things will change.

I had a pounding headache. I guess I had a bit too much to drink last night. But as soon as I started to get up I realized there was a problem. There was someone else in the bed with me. Not only that, I was naked. I usually slept in panties and a large t-shirt, rather comfortable most of the time.

I looked over at the other body in the bed. It was Brett. I started scrambling out of the covers and too my feet. Then I noticed I felt a bit... messy down below.

"OH GOD!" I shouted.

I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I knelt in front of the toilet and proceeded to empty the contents of my stomach into it. Partly from the alcohol from last night, but mostly from the revulsion at what had happened. I started remembering bits and pieces of the previous night and I found myself now trying to empty a stomach with nothing left. What's worse, is that I seemed to have enjoyed it.

I turned on the shower and crawled inside. I curled myself up on the bottom and just starting rocking back and forth while crying.

Brett had apparently awoken during this and was knocking on the door. I really didn't notice. I was too busy replaying events in my head and sobbing.

I'd enjoyed it. How could I enjoy it. How did it happen?

More sobbing.

I'm not sure how long it was I was in there, but suddenly Brett was opening the shower door, and found me curled up.

"Tara, what's wrong? Tara, talk to me, please."

More rocking. Brett turned the shower off, it had long since gone cold.

"Tara, I need you to tell me what's wrong. Please. I can't stand seeing you like this." he said as he draped a towel over the top of me.

"What's wrong?" I weakly managed

"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?" Okay, seemed to have some of my strength back.

"I just cheated on my wife. I just cheated on my wife with my best friend. I just cheated on my wife with my best friend, and I enjoyed it. I just cheated on my wife with my best friend, who's a man, and I enjoyed it." And now I was back to rocking.

He gaped. "Oh god, we didn't, did we? We did. I can remember some of it now."

He walked out of the room.

At some point, I was mostly dry, especially in terms of tears, I got up and walked out of the shower. I walked out of the bathroom and found Brett sitting with his head down on his bed. He was crying.

At this point I was so emotionally drained myself I had no room left to hate myself, so I sat down next to Brett and tried to talk to him.

"Brett, what's going on? Why are you out here doing this?"

He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. "I've ruined everything. You were my best friend. You were one of the few people in the world I knew I could trust with anything. And now a night of drinking has ruined everything. How can I look at you, or Carol, or Tedd the same way again?"

Oh. I hadn't even considered how this might be affecting him.

He turned away. "How can I look at myself in the mirror again knowing what I've done to everything."

I really didn't have an answer for that. Then he told me he wanted to be alone for a while. I picked up my clothes off the floor and left his room.

I was sitting on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate later when he finally came out of his room. He sat down on the other side of the couch. I got up and made him a mug of hot cocoa as well.

He started into the mug for a bit before he started talking. "Look, Tara, I'll understand if you hate me now. I know what we did last night was incredibly stupid and as much as I wish I could go back and undo it, I can't. I feel terrible for what I've done to you, and to our friendship."

"Brett, I was there too. I can remember bits and pieces of it but I do remember I did some things I'd never have considered doing, especially with a man, but I'm responsible too. I hope we can find a way to be friends yet, but I think we'd be better off if we gave this thing some time. I don't blame you, I blame myself."

***

The next couple of weeks were a bit of a blur. I mostly remember wandering about the house running on automatic, not exactly being sociable.

There doorbell went off when Brett was off at work, so I went down, figuring it was a delivery or something. When I opened the door my heart stopped.

Carol was standing there, looking as beautiful as ever.

"C'mon, we're going shopping." she said.

"Uhhh, what?"

"Get ready, we're going out shopping!" I never could argue with my wife when she had that kind of enthusiasm. I went to my room and got my shoes and my bag (I still refuse to call it a purse) and got into the car with Carol. As we drove off she started talking again.

"Brett called me last night. Said you were feeling really down these last couple of weeks and he didn't know what to do. So I figured we'd go shopping. I know you're something of a tomboy but girl I'm sure i can make you look amazing."

"Uhh, I really don't know about this..." I said.

She laughed. "Don't worry your pretty self, once we're done you'll feel like a whole new woman, and I can guess you've never felt like that before."

"... You'd be surprised."

Another laugh from her. "We're stopping at the Salon first. Your hair needs a bit of TLC."

Huh? I had to ask. "What's wrong with my hair?"

She gave a little giggle. "Aside from the fact that it looks a bit slept in?"

"I did sorta sleep in it. I have this horrible problem where my hair is attached when I go to bed."

She laughed. "Don't worry, they'll find the perfect style for you."

We arrived at the salon and we were split off to two different women.

"Hi, I'm Susan. Carol told me what she'd like for me to do, and I agree with her saying you haven't had a salon treatment in a long while. Before we begin, can you tell me your name?"

"I'm Tara."

She smiled. "Tara, that's a lovely name. Okay, you just relax and let me take care of you. When we're done you won't even recognize yourself in the mirror."

I thought to myself that I'd had that experience enough times in my life already. She started to work. Once again the feeling of someone working on my hair was extremely pleasant and relaxing, and I fell asleep again.

A little later I was being woken up. "Okay, Tara, we're done. I had to bring over one of the portable dryers because I didn't want to wake you, you looked so relaxed. Now let's get you into the mirror."

She turned me towards the mirror and I nearly fell out of the chair. There was a beautiful young woman staring back at me. Her hair seemed to shine and had so much color in it, so vibrant. It took me a second to realize that it was me. I looked amazing.

Susan giggled at my response. "Not the first time I've had that reaction, still priceless every time, though. I didn't have to cut much but I did my best to frame your face a bit better and I spent a good deal of time working with your highlights."

I turned towards her. "Oh my... thank you Susan, this looks and feels wonderful."

As we walked towards the front I saw Carol sitting there, looking as amazing as ever.

She ran up to me and said "Wow, you look amazing. She did a great job with you!"

"I slept through the whole thing, though,"

She just laughed at me.

We paid and left. She took me down to the mall. "Now we're going to get you some new outfits!"

The bras were the most interesting part. I'd just sorta tried some on until I found ones that were comfortable but she insisted I get a proper sizing. Turns out I'm 34C. She came back with several and suddenly I found my chest being more comfortable and more supported than it ever had been. I was also a tad embarrassed finding proper panty sizes and having Carol see me rather undressed with this body, but I tried my best not to show it.

By the time we were done for the day, I had many bags of clothes. Smart looking professional wear and some racy stuff too. I was also rather amazed at just how nice hose could feel on my legs. I'd been keeping myself shaved nicely as a matter of rote but it was clear that the feeling of smooth legs was only the beginning. I'm almost ashamed to admit I got a bit turned on with the hose rubbing up against each other as I walked.

She dropped me back off at the house and Brett was there to help bring things in. "Looks like you ladies have had a good time."

I giggled. "Wonderful."

Carol laughed. "We'll have to make a habit of this kind of thing, how about we do something else this weekend together."

"I'd love that."

A bit later she left for home and I was left with Brett.

"Look, I'm still a bit shocked that you called her, but I can't deny that today was wonderful. All the shopping was fun and just being with Carol all day made me feel so much better."

He smiled. "I'm glad it worked out. I really was starting to worry about you."

"I'm glad you care. Now, I'm going up to my room to put this stuff away." I leaned over, gave him a peck on the cheek and ran up to my room.

It was then I realized what I had just done. I'd kissed Brett. It wasn't a romantic kiss, sure, but why did I do that?

I spent the whole time I put my clothes away trying to figure out why I had done that.

***

Over the next few months we'd gone out together every weekend, or sometimes during the week too. Concerts and shows and all sorts of things. And more salons and shopping. She even managed to get me to go to a pool with her. I'm still shocked by the fact she was able to convince me to wear the bikini.

Sometimes we'd just sit at Brett's house, or at her house, and have a relaxing night with wine and jokes.

It was one of these nights at Brett's house that everything came crashing down.

I'd been having a bit to drink, then again, so had Carol and Brett, so it wasn't too unnatural. Carol and I were in the kitchen talking and joking. Brett was in the lounge watching a game. I had just said something... and she turned and looked at me very seriously.

"Tara, I have to ask you something..."

"Carol, you can ask me anything." I responded.

She looked a bit pensive and anxious.

I saw a bit of apprehension in her face as she asked the next bit. "Tedd?"

I did my best to hide my shock. "Umm, isn't he over at CERN?"

She tilted her head. "This may sound crazy... but several little things you've done or said over the last few months... I'm starting to think Tedd isn't at CERN. I think Tedd is sitting here talking to me."

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

"I think Tedd is sitting here talking to me."

I stared at her with a look of horror on my face, I'm sure. Then I ran out of the kitchen and into my room crying. I curled up on my bed.

Suddenly I saw Carol at the door. "I'm right, aren't I? Somehow, you *are* Tedd."

I sniffled. "Y... yes."

She sat on the bed next to me, a bit shocked. "But, how is that possible? I just spoke to Tedd on the phone last night. Is he a fake?"

It's really hard to talk and cry, but I tried. "No, he's still your Tedd, the one you love."

She looked confused. "But, if you're my Tedd, how can he be my Tedd?"

"We are both Tedd, He's just a past version of me."

More confusion on Carol's face. "Past version? Are you trying to tell me you're from the future or something?"

I sputtered. Crying and laughing at the same time doesn't work, but it did seem to stop the crying.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"But that's impossible!"

I gave her a serious look. "No, not impossible, nothing is impossible, we just haven't figured out how to do it yet."

She gave a soft giggle at that. "Yep, that's exactly the kind of thing Tedd would say."

"I suppose." I said.

"But, apparently, you *have* worked out a way to do it."

I sighed. "Sort of. There was an accident at the base. My machine was running wild and was in danger of destroying everything. I had to go in and try and put a stop to it. I worked on it to no avail before I pulled out something you had handed me. I changed the settings to match that, and there was a brilliant white light... and I woke up in a hospital bed, in this body."

She was silent for a few minutes. "Wait, something I gave you?"

"Yes."

"Where did I get it, I don't imagine I was working on the project with you so how could I have had the solution to your problem?" she said.

"You... you got it from Tara."

Again, she looked confused. "But... you're Tara."

"I'm aware of that. Very aware of that."

"But why didn't you give it to him, why did I give it to him?" she asked.

I started crying again. She never did ask that question again.

She laughed "Well, at least this explains something."

"Oh, what's that?"

She looked me in the eyes. "Tedd has been away for a while now. And, I was feeling really ashamed because... because I felt like I was starting to fall in love with you."

"I've never stopped loving you."

She fought back a tear. "I was feeling terrible, feeling like this about someone else. I was worried about being unfaithful to my husband. But... you are my husband. And now I know something I never really thought about before."

"Oh?"

She gave me a big hug. "Think about it. No matter what you look like, I still love you. There can be no other explanation. We're soulmates."

We fell asleep in each others arms.

***

Brett was a little surprised to find Carol still there in the morning when we all sat down for breakfast.

As he started eating, he spoke up. "Is everything okay? I heard crying last night."

"I'm not sure yet... but... she knows."

Brett's turn to be confused. "Knows what?"

Carol giggled. "I know she's Tedd."

Brett dropped his fork.

More giggling from Carol. "Lots of little things pieced together for me. I confronted her last night and she ran crying. Kind of obvious at that point. Though, Brett, I really have to thank you. I always knew you were Tedd's best friend but I never thought you'd end up in a position like this, taking care of him."

"Well, it does help that he's a bit easier on the eyes now. And she does pull her own weight on income."

Carol raised an eyebrow at that. I had to step in. "Well... some of the games, I remember them and all..."

"Ahh, the Back to the Future method. Not bad."

We discussed a lot of small things and she went home.

***

We continued our outings, but they took on a new light since everything was out in the open. Occasional flirting, her asking about how Tedd felt about things from the female perspective, that kind of thing.

And then it happened again.

I woke in a strange, but familiar bed. Only this time I didn't have a massive hangover. I instantly remembered everything that had happened. I fought the urge to go crawl into the shower and cry again.

And then my partner in bed woke up and found me sitting knees to chest in against the headboard. "What's the matter?"

"I... it's.... I just found out my wife cheated on me while I was at CERN. And she cheated on me with me."

Carol laughed. "I remember experimenting a bit in college, and it was enjoyable, but last night was something else. A connection of souls."

"It was amazing. I didn't know this body could feel that good. Far better than the last time I woke up in a strange bed." As soon as I said it I realized I shouldn't. Now I was afraid.

Carol had to ask. "Last time?"

"Promise you won't hate me?"

Carol nodded.

"A while back Brett and I were having a night of drink and music. The next morning I woke up naked in his bed." And now I was crying.

"Why are you crying, dear?"

"Because I cheated on you, Carol. I had sex with someone else."

She looked at me for a second. I must have looked a mess. "Did you enjoy it?"

I nodded while crying.

She squeezed me tight. "I'm a bit surprised, but I'm not mad. I can't say I've never given Brett a thought or 2 when I've been feeling lonely."

"But..."

She tried squeezing me even harder. "Look, I absolutely love what we did last night, and I'd like to do it some more, but I also understand that you are a girl now, and I can't fault you if your body wants a little more."

"What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying, Tara, is that I'd love to keep doing this with you when the mood takes us, at least until Tedd gets home. But I'm also not going to be upset if you and Brett end up in bed again. I love your hot little body but I still prefer Tedd's body. So stop crying, we'll get through this one way or another. I still love you, and that'll never change." she said. And to emphasize her point, she put her hand softly against my crotch, and I couldn't help but moan.

***

After I got back to Brett's house I told him everything about what happened. He actually made rather obvious sigh of relief.

"Listen, Tara, I was so afraid after that happened that I had ruined everything for you. To hear that you and Carol still get along as well as ever makes me happy in ways you can't even begin to imagine."

"I also... kinda told her about us."

"Us?"

"That night, we were drunk."

"Oh... is she going to kill me?" he said, a little worried.

"Oh no. She loves me, no matter what I look like, but she also realizes that while my heart, head and soul are hers, my body might have other needs. To be honest she was more happy that us getting together confirmed for her that we, and by that I mean both her and I, and her and Tedd, since we're the same person, that we're her soulmate. No matter what happens she'll still love us. She was brutally honest though. She said she wanted me until Tedd got back from CERN, but after that, she much prefers Tedd's body to mine. And that she understands that after then I might still have needs too. And that if it had to be someone... she'd rather it was you."

He blinked at me. "What are you trying to say?"

"I... I have to admit, there have been times I've found myself watching you, getting little feelings I didn't quite know how to explain. Uhh, what I'm trying to say is... she'll always have my heart but sometimes... after Tedd is back... my body may have needs... and as hard as it is for me to admit it... you did do a pretty good job satisfying them that night."

He actually blushed.

***

So things continued as they were. Brett and I would be best friends, Carol and I would fight off the loneliness when we weren't out shopping or something like that, until Tedd returned from CERN.

At this point I'd been Tara for almost 2 years. I had a pretty good fix on the 'being female' and 'just being Tara' bits now. Tedd made the group a fun foursome again.

But then I had another one of those perspective fixing moments. Tara had a rather large impact on my life. But now I was Tara, and Tedd hadn't yet had that impact on his life. But if this strange journey I've been on has taught me anything at all yet, it's that you can't live your life regretting the things you haven't done. You have to look towards the things still to come.

But this revelation was not without it's perils. I started considering the fact that I seemed to be experiencing my life from the other end of the mobius strip, as much sense as that makes. The twist in the fabric of reality that made my life seem like it was in a giant loop. Is there such a thing, in truth, like destiny? Am I on an unalterable path towards my own death? I the universe playing some sick joke on me?

Now I truly understand how Alice felt, having looked into the looking glass, seeing a whole world on the other side. And it seems reality has a sense of humor just as twisted as the world Alice found herself in.

I made up my mind. If I'm going to play this role I'm going to do my damnedest to make it count. I called up Tedd.

"Hi Tedd, it's Tara."

"Oh, hi Tara, how are you tonight?"

"Ummm, just fine, I was a bit deep into some philosophy type thoughts..."

He laughed. "Yeah, that never ends well."

"Yep. So instead I decided to do something else. You're off next weekend, right?"

"Uh huh. They're doing some work and Brett and I have few extra days off."

"Good. We're going skiing."

Tedd gasped. "What? I've never been skiing."

"And that's exactly why we're going to do it. New experiences. New perspectives. See what the world has to offer."

"I dunno, I'll have to think about it, and talk to Carol. I'll have her call you later."

I smiled. Though he didn't see it. "Okay, just think it over, it'll be fun!"

***

A bit later Carol called.

"Skiing? That's not something we've ever done. We don't have the slightest idea how to do it."

"Carol, can you really think of a better reason than the one you just gave, to learn?"

"No... not really. It just seems a bit impulsive." she said.

"Well, it is, sorta. You guys need a bit of impulsiveness, it keeps things interesting."

"Oh, alright. We'll go. I'm just worried it'll be a bit dangerous."

I laughed. "Uhh..."

She sensed the hesitation. "What... is someone going to get hurt?"

"Uhh... it's kind of embarrassing. Last day of the trip, shortly before we were set to return home. I had a bit of an accident. I spent the entire drive home convinced I'd broken my arm and you should be taking me to a hospital and not back home, but you refused until we got back into Star City."

"That sounds terrible? Why would I do something like that? Normally I'd take Tedd straight to the nearest ER."

"I'm guessing... umm, because you knew I hadn't broken my arm and that was was just a bad bone bruise, with the accompanying nasty looking bruise on the skin. Colors for weeks!"

"How the hell would I know that?"

I laughed. "Yanno, I think you knew it because I just told you."

She sighed. "I think I'm starting to understand why that Doctor guy from that show has so many issues with time travel."

"Trust me, it's not any more amusing from this end. Turns out time really is too wibbly-wobbly for my head, generally."

***

We arrived at the mountain early in the morning. After getting our accommodations settled at the hotel we all headed up towards the training grounds. I'd done ski training last time so I thought I'd work on snowboarding this time. Carol, Tedd and Brett all opted for ski training and we began our sessions. If you've never been out on the slopes before, you'll probably be surprised at just how hot an activity like skiing can be, even with the cold. There's a lot of muscle work going on and you've got some pretty heavy duty gear on, safety and warmth wise, so you really don't feel much of the cold except in the face.

By the third day we'd all learned we were well trained and actually spent a good deal of time just enjoying the slopes. Brett ended up with a bit of a bruise when he got a little too close to a tree branch, but other than that, no injuries so far. On the fourth day there was a nasty bit of blizzard. Not much snow but the high winds were doing wonders for the visibility and safety, so we enjoyed a nice day in the hotel.

On the fifth day, Tedd wanted to get a couple hours of skiing in before we left for home. That's when he had his unfortunate collision with a nasty patch of ice. I winced slightly remembering how much that hard hurt, but I still worked hard to suppress a small giggle as we all finished getting everything set to leave. As Carol was helping Tedd into their car she gave me a knowing look and smile.

Just after Tedd and Carol left, Brett and I set out. Brett was getting a bit worried about Tedd.

"Settle down! He'll be fine."

"How can you know that? His arm looked pretty swollen!"

"All he did is get a nasty bone bruise. A bit of swelling for a couple of days, and weeks of pretty colors on the skin, he'll be fine."

"Are you a doctor now?" he asked.

"Umm... Brett... we're talking about *me*, remember? I remember it happening. I was so upset at Carol because she had refused to take me to any of the nearest Emergency Rooms. Of course, now I know why she didn't. I told Carol before we left that he'd be hurt."

"Oh... right. Sometimes I forget that you're all looped and stuff. Do you know *everything* that's going to happen?"

"Of course not, Brett. I remember many of the important events, but only from the perspective of Tedd. For instance, I never knew that you were harboring a secret time traveler in your house all those years. Of our little group, only Tedd never knows the truth."

Brett sighed. "But I do know that there are things you've kept back. There are some holes and some occasional skirting references to things that I don't know about. Like where you are when the accident at the lab occurs."

"Look, Brett, there are some things I'm hoping I can change. I may have changed some things already, I don't know. And there are some things I can't do anything about until certain other things happen. But there are also many things I want to keep the same. The ski trip was an example. It was good fun and everyone needed it."

"But, that doesn't make any sense." he said.

"Brett, think of all the popular theories of time travel. At the moment I'm still uncertain as to the nature of my travel. Is it a loop? Is it a quantum branch, so I'm technically in a whole new universe? Is it something we haven't even begun to suspect? For all we know, it's just the universe having a sick sense of humor."

Brett frowned. "Hmmph."

"Look, if you want something to nibble on in regards to my being here, just keep an eye out for sudden large power drains on the grid."

Now he looked a bit concerned. "That sounds ominous."

"Trust me, if you start seeing those, I'll tell you everything you need to know about what I think it is. And I'm fairly sure that the DOD would be interested at that point."

Again, more worry. "It's not NBC, is it?"

I shrugged. "Depends, generally the 'Nuclear/Biological/Chemical' listing doesn't care much about science that's impossible at the moment."

Brett sat silent for the rest of the trip home.

***

The next morning at breakfast Brett sat in front of his plate without eating. "Tara, I spent all night thinking. I must insist you tell me about this possibly dangerous scenario. I can't promise I won't go directly to the DOD with it but I will try to keep it quiet."

I sighed.

"If I tell you, I need you to not interrupt me to tell me it isn't possible. If I tell you this stuff, you need to believe it's true. Because it is. Can you do that? Also, you need to know that I will not give any specific dates on the information I do have, because certain events may need to happen that you might try to prevent."

Brett nodded.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

Brett finished listening to my tale, "So, the mystery event on the bridge came first, right?"

I nodded. "Yes."

Brett sighed. "But you won't give me any details about it."

I shook my head. "No, I can't, Brett."

"I can see that this part is rough on you. I don't mean to hurt you, though."

"I know... "

Brett looked at the floor. "After the bridge event, you and I spend years developing technology based on it. Something you called trip? That somehow violates the information propagation bits of relativity, allowing for instant communication across distances. What kind of distances are we talking about, by the way?"

"TRIIP, T R I I P, and the best test case we've tried so far is the moon, which gives us a few light-seconds to play with."

Brett looked a bit surprised at that. "And then one day there's a problem at the base, the machine has been stuck on, and you suspect that someone went through whatever process sent you here a couple hours before you did, and that he may have had a weaponized version of our work may be somewhere out there?"

I nodded. "Sounds like you've got the basics."

Brett asked worriedly. "And you don't know what this device will do?"

"No, I don't have the slightest idea."

Brett thought for a few minutes. "Look, I really don't have enough to go on to tell the DOD anything yet, but if those power drains you were talking about start happening, I'll have to tell them what I can. Including your time travel."

I put my arms around Brett. "It gets worse. If it starts happening you'll need them to include me on the team locating it."

Brett gasped at that. "Why would I do that, Tara?"

"Because I'm the foremost expert on the planet in the technology it's based off of."

Brett frowned. "But that also means you're the most valuable person, and we need to keep you safe."

"Look, if something happens and there's a chance to stop it, you're going to need my knowledge on-site. It's not like I can train someone else to do this stuff. Think hard about it for a bit. Who would the DOD call on locally when it comes to high energy particle physics?"

Brett thought for a second. "Well... Tedd and myself."

"And I have all of Tedd's knowledge plus all the stuff related to this issue that he doesn't have yet. I couldn't even teach you everything I know about it because the math for it doesn't exist yet and some of it's a tad out of my league on the purely theoretical portions. I was far better with the applications end."

***

I woke up in Brett's bed again. A heavy morning like yesterday calls for a few spirts in the evening. But this time around I feel much better about it. I still head to the bathroom, but not to cry. Just to clean up. I've got a much better sense of self these days.

I am Tara. I used to be Tedd, but Tedd no longer defines me. I still love my wife but Brett satisfies me physically in a way I really can't find words to describe. And I'm okay with this, now. I know what my heart desires, and I know what my body desires. I'm now comfortable with these being different to some degree.

And I can't really live my life currently if I'm constantly defining it in terms of the past that's ahead or the future I've already watched. Living in the now seems to be the only way through.

And right now Tara is here. So that's who I'm going to be. I'm going to be the best damned Tara I can be.

But first I'm going to get some coffee.

***

A few weeks later I start working on my next trip for the group. This time around I think we're all going to get SCUBA certified and spend a weekend in the water. I tell Carol that I only have 2 real reasons for this. The first is Tedd needs some sun. And the second is that I look good in a bikini.

Carol laughed. "Oh god, it's still so weird to have my soulmate say something like that and mean it. Or we could try to get Tedd into the bikini."

I blushed very deeply.

Carol laughed harder. "Oh no, I managed to do it didn't I? How bad is it?

"All I'm going to say is that there was some unpleasantness but the reconciliation that night was amazing."

***

All went well on the underwater trip, had an amazing time. Though I do have to admit the diving suits feel and look so much better on my body these days.

But, as with all good things, our subsurface adventure had to come to an end. We were sitting as a group at a little diner on the road to home.

"Oh god, that was wonderful. I swear, being under the water is like being on a totally different planet. There are so many strange and beautiful things to see under the water." says a tired but happy Carol.

Brett chimes in on that one. "There's actually a fair group of people who say that we should worry less about space travel until we've tackled the mysteries of our own oceans."

Tedd, of course, shares my response. "It's more a matter of engineering issues. It's far easier to build craft which can protect against the vacuum pressures of space than it is to build deep sea vessels. It's almost scary but it's basically easier to have half a dozen people floating around 90 miles up safely than it is to have the same number of people more than a mile below the surface. At some of the greater depths the pressure of the water is so much that a typical nuclear submarine would be reduced to the size of roughly a volleyball."

I smiled. "Very true, but just because it's difficult, doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. It was only 60 some years from first manned flight to first man on the moon. Difficult and impossible are just terms that mean 'we can not do it yet' or 'we lack the impetus to fund this'. It's a real shame how much science goes unexperimented on just because some guy in a stuffed suit can't see how to make a quick buck off of it. The ocean depths are a prime example. Now, I don't remember if this is true but I seem to remember hearing it from a believable source. But there is one type of whale that can submerge to I think beyond a mile into the ocean. Now, that sounds impressive, until you hear the other part."

Carol bites at the hook "What other part?"

"That when it returns the surface after these deep dives, sometimes they are covered in wounds, large wounds, the type that you'd get if a giant squid, I mean like airliner sized squid, were attacking it."

Carol stares. "Now Tara, wouldn't we have found one of them by now if that were true?"

"I can think of a couple of good reasons why we probably haven't. At those depths if it were to sink when it died it would find itself crushed or laying on the ocean floor where we really can't observe on a fine basis, or the lack of pressure as it rises could rip it apart. Plus there could be creatures that would eat the remains long before it reached the surface. And we have come across some rather large squids, so we know that 10 or 15 feet long isn't impossible, it's just a matter of upward scale."

Brett laughs. "Okay, yanno it's probably best we saved this discussion until after we had been on our little excursion. I don't know that you'd have gotten me to spend all that time underwater with this talk of giant squids."

I smiled at him. "Oh, there's plenty of other wonders to make up for it, some of which you can find just by going to beaches. Our oceans are full of interesting things. Several times there have been well documented bio-luminescent algae blooms come up to beaches. Some of the images of beaches with the waters glowing at night are amazing, sort of like an aurora of the water."

"That sounds like quite a sight to see." Tedd says.

"Oh, it is, but then there's the flip side. I think I remember that there's basically a loose 'island' in the pacific, a floating island."

Carol asks "Floating island?"

"A giant gathering of floating plastic and other floating garbage that has all grouped up with other ocean garbage. I've heard it described as a work natural art that's a testament to how badly we're treating the planet."

"That sounds awful!" Carol gasps.

"I think just spreading knowledge of this is a good start. The more people understand both the beautiful and the ugly of our planet, the more people should desire to protect it. You never know when something new will come along to threaten the world and end things sooner rather than later, so we need to do what we can now."

I look over at Brett and I can see the concern in his eyes. He knows that was a bit of a reference to the device. Things could end much sooner than we know.

After we finish our meal we make the rest of the way back to our houses.

Once we're home Brett and I continue talking.

He looks at me, sitting on the couch. "Tara, I could see it in your face when we were discussing things earlier. There was a bit too much... you in the comment about how we may not have much time left. Something happens, doesn't it?"

"I.. I really don't want to talk about this." I'm sort of biting my lower lip trying to keep myself from showing any giveaway emotional stuff.

"Tara, I've known you for years and years. You can tell me anything."

"Brett, some things just shouldn't be discussed."

"Tara, I can tell you're holding something important back. I almost get this sense that you want to tell me but you're holding out to try and protect me."

I looked at him, feeling the start of tears in my eyes. "Is protecting you a bad thing?"

"Damnit, Tara, I know all of this future knowledge is a burden, but we don't even know if it's going to happen exactly the same way. For all we know things may have changed already!"

"Tara... talk to me. Please."

"Brett... I can't..."

"Okay, then I'm going to bed."

He wanders off to his room.

Which is probably best. Things are starting to get confusing in my head. And not even all of the time travel stuff.

***

Another trip to the salon, another nap. I doubt Carol will ever understand just how much I relax when someone is playing with my hair. I can't even explain it, it just feels to plesant and safe.

We have a bit of a bite to eat and settle in for a nice chat.

"Tara... I need your help."

"What's the matter baby?"

"I think something is wrong with Tedd."

"What do you mean?"

Carol gets this look in here eyes like she's trying to decide how to describe what's on her mind but can't quite find the words that fit.

"Tedd's been a bit extra distant from me lately. Like there's something different. Sometimes he looks at me lately and it's like he's not quite all there."

I sat and tried to remember what was going on with me around this time, but I couldn't quite place it at the moment.

I put my hand on her cheek, lightly. "Whatever it is, I'm sure he's fine."

"I don't know Tara..."

"Carol, you're thinking of something... tell me."

She started looking down at her feet.

"Carol..."

"Tara, I'm not sure how to say this."

"Carol, you can say anything to me, anything. There are things I can't say about some things but anything I can answer I will."

Carol comes over into my side of the booth and leans up against me. I can feel the tenseness in her as she does so. Something has her really on edge.

"Carol, tell me what's wrong."

She pulls a picture from her purse and puts it in front of me. I'm too busy trying to comfort her to look at it right away though.

"I think Tedd's cheating on me."

I blink. "WHAT?"

"I think he's cheating on me with that girl."

"Carol, there's no way he's cheating on you, no matter who the girl in the pict..."

I look at the picture.

I take my hands off Carol and grab the picture in both hands, and hold it close to me. I start laughing. And crying.

Carol looks at me like she's ready to hit me. "Why are you laughing, this is really serious."

"Carol... he's (breath) not cheating on you (laughing breath) with her."

She doesn't look convinced. "How else do you explain that picture, I caught him staring at that at his desk when he didn't notice I was looking, and when I said something he tried to put it out of sight."

She starts getting upset and shouts "Stop laughing!"

I'm too busy laughing and crying and hugging the picture and trying to dance in my seat.

Carol gets really upset and shouts even louder. "Tara dammit stop laughing! This is serious!"

I'm rather forced to get serious when she yells like that. "I thought I'd lost this picture! Oh god thank you I missed this so much."

"What, your lover?"

"What?! No, Carol. Tedd's not cheating on you, he'd never cheat on you... he never did cheat on you."

"But..." she's upset and confused.

"Carol, I can say with 100% certainty that he's not cheating on you with this girl."

"Then what's going on with him?"

"Carol, he's mourning."

She stares, dumbfounded. "Mourning?"

"Yes, mourning."

"But... this doesn't make any sense."

"Carol, this picture, I'm so happy to see a copy of it. I want to keep this one."

"I still don't understand."

"Carol. This woman is my cousin Danielle. She..."

I stop, tears welling up again, but not happy ones this time.

"Tara, what's going on?"

"She... she just died. Again."

I give a small sob and continue.

"Dannie was my younger cousin, a year younger than me. Our birthdays were 3 days apart. Growing up we were always so close. She was a lot like a sister to me, we were always doing things together, and we even would celebrate our birthdays together."

Carol tilts herhead at me. "Tedd's never told me of a cousin Danielle."

I continue. "I... just, after high school we started drifting apart, I'm not sure why, we just didn't seem to talk anymore. There wasn't any fights or anything we just seemed to never catch hold of each other afterwards."

"But, why is he being so secretive about this then."

"When I heard she died... I... I don't know how to explain it. I wanted to be alone. But at the same time I didn't. I wanted to take time off of work, but..."

I sniffled a bit. In hindsight I see one advantage to being a woman. I can be so much more free with my emotions now. Sitting here having the hard memories brought back is a lot easier to deal with now that I'm not under the male pressure to keep these things bottled up.

Carol put her hands on my shoulders. "I'm so sorry. I was just so worried about him. He's been real distant these last few days. I didn't mean to hurt him in any way, or you..."

I lean into her. "It's okay. I can deal with this a bit better now. I got over it once, I'll get over it again. I just didn't realize I still had this much pent up inside since then."

"Tara, I was just so concerned about Tedd, I'm sorry this has turned out to hurt you so much."

"Carol, it'll all be fine. I'll be fine. But you need to go home and get him to open up. Just sit down with him and press him on what's going on. I don't remember why I tried to keep it inside but I remember when you finally got through to me I spent the night in your arms. She meant a lot to me."

"I can do that." She said.

I shake my head emphatically. "No, you need to. Without your pressure I wouldn't go to the funeral. I never would've found out she actually named one of her kids after me."

***

I get home and later that night I'm sitting on the porch with a cup of hot cocoa and looking up at the stars. Brett comes out and I fill him in on the conversation from earlier.

"So, she actually thought Tedd was cheating on her?"

"Yep."

He laughs. "That's so stupid, he'd never do that in a million years. By the way, have you decided on our next adventure?"

"Oh yes, yes. It'll take some training but you guys will love doing it over the next few years."

He's hooked. "What is it?"

I look up into the sky, a bit of an evil look to my eyes.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

A week later Tedd and Carol left for the funeral. I fell asleep on the couch that night in Brett's arms.

The next morning I looked back at the week realizing just how much stuff can be different with a different perspective. From my own memories Carol never once suspected me of cheating, so having her bring those accusations along to me in my current form was a bit of a shock. It was one thing among many showing just how messed up thinking about this whole pile of screwed up time was.

I started making calls around for my next big adventure getaway for the group. Learning years ago that I could do all these things was a great liberator for me, letting me know that it was possible to get out and experience life, to try and push the limits.

I got off the phone after arranging hotel rooms at an airport near our next bit of fun, and sat down to have breakfast. Brett walks into the room and grabs a cup of coffee.

He looks up at me and cocks his head to the side. "So, I've been thinking about out little device, from what you've told me it's only around a cubic foot or 2, and light enough that it can be handled by one person with some effort. Just how damaging could it be?"

I sigh. "Think suitcase nuke. Think bigger. We're dealing with technology that could do anything between wiping out a city block to making Mars the third planet. If I had to guess, purely guess based on what I know of the science around it, the best I could limit it is between the Nagasaki event and Tsar Bomba. Or it could just as easily fizzle and make a pretty light show and do nothing."

He thought about that for a second. "But... I get the sense you've seen this device in action."

I look down, and put my fork down, no longer hungry.

"Look, Tara, you don't have to tell me the details, just give me a rough idea."

I looked up at him. I think he sees something in my eyes.

"Tara..."

"Brett... if... if I told you... you'd try to stop me from doing what I need to do. It's dangerous."

"Damned straight I'd try to stop you. You're my best friend, I'd give my life for you!"

I sniffle a little at that.

Okay, I'm pretty sure you can actually call it crying.

"And that's why I can't tell you Brett."

He sits down for silently for a few minutes. He's thinking, really thinking.

He looks at me again. "Shit.... you mean..."

I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling, trying to think of something to say. I know he's figured it out.

He speaks up again. "Which one of... wait. No. Don't. I already know what you're going to say. A time like this, you'd find a bit of levity through a quote. If I had to guess, it'd be 'The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.'"

"Something like that, yeah."

He walks over and hugs me. "I never really thought about how hard this has to be on you. There has to be some heavy stuff on your mind."

I sort of snuggle into his embrace. "Can you imagine waking up in the morning knowing exactly when some of the people you are going to see that day are going to die?"

"Do you mean... all at once?"

I rest my head on his shoulder. "No, but some of the people I see will die in weeks, or in a year or two, and there's nothing I can do about it."

"What do you mean?"

I sigh. "As far as I can see, time is looped or at least it seems to bend over itself a bit here. Events need to play out in certain ways so I know they don't get worse. And considering the nature of the problem it could be far far worse. I constantly have to hope that what I've done already hasn't done so. But it feels right."

Brett sighed. "This all sounds so complicated. Are timelines so fragile? Is it really a line?"

"I thought I told you, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... timey wimey... stuff." I giggled.

"Oh great, more Doctor Who!" He chided.

I took a deep breath. "Look at it this way. The first time through, I was in a totally different perspective, most of the stuff I'm doing, I'm doing with no guidance at all. I'm constantly hoping that what I do is the right thing and that I don't accidentally do something to make things worse than they will be."

He blinked at that. "But you could also make things better."

"But I have no way of knowing how my actions will impact events. Even talking to you now could lead to better or worse results."

Brett remained quiet.

I decided something right there, however. "Brett, there's one thing I do know. I don't want to be alone tonight."

***

A couple of weeks later we're all in a plane strapped to our guides. It's rather... intimate how close you are in the harness.

After a bit of that, we're falling, thousands of feet in the air plummeting down towards the ground. The rush of the air is so loud you can't hear yourself think, which is just fine because the only thing running through your head is this mixture of fear and pleasure that numbs you to everything else. And the beauty of the earth from so high above, rushing up to greet you. Then the parachute opens and you're gracefully (or not so gracefully on Brett's part) gliding towards the earth for a soft landing.

As we're riding back to the airport to gather our gear, Tedd smiles back at me. "I still don't know how you come up with these outings but that was amazing. I've been in plenty of planes but I've never jumped out of one, seen the ground coming up to meet me."

"Just wait 'til you do it solo!"

Carol laughed. "I don't think I've ever had that much fun! That was quite a rush."

"At least you guys landed on your feet. We went tumbling when we hit the ground." Brett admitted.

"See, Brett agrees, we need more practice." I smiled.

Yep, we tandem jumped from an airplane. I'd done this several times before but it's not like I can explain to someone how I know it all already. But I still enjoyed it. It may seem weird, but I finally understood why Tara had, and I am now, done these things. It's not about the thrill-seeking, it's about losing your fear of the unknown, about learning that new experiences can be worth the risk. Why live if you're unwilling to go the distance to achieve what you want from life.

On our way home we stopped and had a nice meal. Tedd was a bit apprehensive about stopping to eat at a truck stop until I told him that I could tell the food was excellent there.

Tedd gave me a sidelong look. "And just how can you tell?"

"See how many trucks are here?" I replied.

"Yeah, there's a lot of them, so what?" He asked.

I smiled. "Truckers know where the good food is. There are another 3 truck stops within 5 miles of here, yet this place is busy. It's worth their time to travel here."

"Okay, that makes sense, but surely a place like this is just going to have easy meals like burgers or subs or something like that." Tedd said.

"Actually, most truck stops like this are good diners. Big breakfasts, hearty lunches, appetizing dinners. These drivers have been on the road for many hours, when they stop they tend to want to stop for good reason and stay relaxed for a bit. A good steak dinner can make this leg of a cross-country trip worth it."

He nodded. "Well, I suppose that makes sense."

We pulled in and had an excellent meal. Tedd had a big steak while Brett and I had fish. Carol had chicken. Then I showed them another secret to a place like this.

I got Carol's attention and waved towards the register. "Do you see how there's a large stack of boxes on top of the pie display area?"

Carol nodded.

"That means this place probably has excellent pie. Enough that these truckers and the others that dine here are willing to buy whole pies. They sell a lot of them so they have to keep a good supply of boxes on hand."

"And how do you know all this stuff?" Carol asked.

"I had all of this explained to me years ago by a good friend."

Carol seemed to catch the look in my eyes and understood.

Sated and with a couple of pies, we finished our journey home. Brett sat on the couch and let out an exhausted sigh.

"I'm beat. Think the adrenaline drained me a bit."

I nodded. "It does tire you a bit faster. Gives you the energy when you need it, but costs later."

He looked at me. "So, how do you know all that stuff about truck stops?"

I gave a small yawn. "I remembered it."

He raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. "Tedd listened to me talk about it."

He sat and thought about that for a minute. "Wait... that means..."

"Yep. I taught myself all about that stuff so I could tell myself later."

He laughed. "This whole thing gets confusing after awhile."

I yawned again. "If, to quote the Matrix, you want to 'bake your noodle', ask yourself this: If I learned what I needed to know from myself, where did it come from the first time?"

He yawned. "Spooky."

"Now, I think it's time we went to bed."

***

Brett spoke while getting his morning coffee. "So, I've been meaning to ask, how did you first realize you were in the past?"

"Looking out the window in the hospital bed. I saw the Brightman building, and by that point it had already been destroyed years ago."

"And why did you then decide to call me?"

I shrugged. "For one, we've known each other for many years. So I thought I might be able to convince you I was me. Also, well... "

He sensed my hesitation. "What is it?"

I sighed. "This is going to sound incredibly cheesy given how things have gone since then, but... you were the first person to enter my mind other than my wife. I had spent my time since waking up in the hospital freaked by the idea I was in a different body and that I was in the past, and you were the first person other than myself and Carol I thought of."

"Why didn't you call Carol?"

"And say what? I had no idea how I would have been able to convince her I was telling the truth and not have her think I was crazy. Looking back that's probably not true... but I was a bit on edge at the time."

He sat down with his coffee and took a sip.

I blushed. "Also, I figured if I was crazy, that the time travel and the body were just a delusion, you'd be there to help me."

He smiled. "Well, that's probably true."

I looked over at him and smiled back. "Though, I can say that I'm sorta happy now that it isn't a delusion. There's been some ups and downs, sure, but I'm starting to enjoy being... me."

Brett got up, came around the table and gave me a hug. He then took my chin in his hand and turned my face toward him. "I'm glad to hear that. There are times since you showed up when I've been very worried about you. I understand that there are sensitive subjects, but I just hate seeing you in pain without having some way to try to ease it."

I melt a little inside hearing him show such concern.

***

A couple of weeks later, in a warehouse in the industrial area of the city, a large amount of machinery was gathered, the soft hum of electronics filled the air.

Two people, a man and a woman, argue over why they can't get any results with the small cube sitting in the middle of the equipment.

"I think we need more power, there simply isn't enough here to get any form of stable reaction from the device."

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

I spent most of my time these days helping Brett with some of the physics stuff he was working on for the government. Always just doing the bits that were holding him back, trying not to release any information or science that wasn't quite known yet. A very difficult balance, though.

Brett looked at me and sighed. "You know I usually leave this kind of stuff to Tedd."

I laughed. "Yes, I do, but some of these things held Tedd up for a bit, working with you allowed me to get so much more done."

He smiled. "Have you ever actually listened to yourself? 'Yes, I do, but some of these things held Tedd up for quite a bit, working with you allowed me to get so much more done.' just sounds silly."

I giggled. "Yeah, I guess I do have a bit of a pronoun problem, but I can't think of any other way to say some of this. And it's rather rude of me to expect people to invent a whole new set of pronouns for what is probably a unique event in history."

He laughed. "Actually, the most disturbing part of you speech is how you keep switching between first and third person when referring to Tedd."

I thought about that for a second. "Well, considering that I'm him and he's me, and I'm pretty sure that 'we' wouldn't be appropriate..."

Another laugh from Brett. "Alright, I concede that point."

I put down my coffee and walk off to take a shower. In the bathroom I stop in front of the mirror, and for some reason I can't explain... I stare.

A few minutes later, Brett comes in, and hugs me tightly. "Why are you crying?"

I sniffle. "The mirror..."

He looks at it. "Yeah, it could stand to be cleaned, maybe, but that's not worth crying over."

I try to glare at him but it doesn't really work. "I was looking at myself in the mirror, and I realized exactly what I was seeing."

He started rubbing my back. "Probably the same thing I see, a pretty woman."

"That's just it... I saw me."

He laughed a bit. "Hun, mirrors tend to do that, show reflections."

I decided against trying the glare again. "No, I mean... I saw me. Me. The person I saw in the mirror is me."

"Tara, like I said... mirrors tend to do that. Would you like to get a mirror that shows someone else?"

I so want to glare at him. "No, I mean... the person in the mirror, she's me. I... I think for the first time I realized that I really am the girl in the mirror. And that I'm not fighting against having been Tedd or anything else. The girl in the mirror is just me, and I'm okay with that."

Brett thought this over for a minute. "So, why are you crying then? I'd think you would be happy."

I looked up at him. "I am... it's just... I think everything hit me all at once. Kind of like an emotional pileup. Like 15 cars pileup."

Brett stood up and turned the water on in the bath. "C'mon, you need to relieve some stress, why don't you hop into the bath and let the warm water and bubbles absorb some of that."

I nodded weakly and he helped me stand up, and helped me get undressed and into the bath.

He gave me a small kiss on the forehead. "When you're done, why don't you come down to the kitchen. I'll have some hot cocoa for you."

"Brett... I love you. I want you to know that. I'm in love with Carol, but you... you've been a better friend, and more, than I have any right to expect. Thank you."

He smiled. "If the situations had been reversed you would've done the same, and you know it."

"Yes, but still, thank you."

And Brett walks out.

***

I sat in the bath thinking back to the beginning of this whole thing. This wonderful woman enters our lives, makes us live life to the fullest, and dies in a horrible way, to save us. Then I lose my life trying to save everyone on base, and end up back in time, as that wonderful woman. And now I'm here, sitting in the bath, actually enjoying my life. I don't know how I ended up here, but at the moment I feel satisfied with where I am.

I get out of the bath when I noticed that a bit too much of the heat has finally departed the water, and dry myself off. I walk into my room and choose a nice comfortable cami and shorts to wear and head down towards the kitchen. When I get there Brett is just hanging up from a phone call, and he has a somber expression on his face.

"Tara..."

"What's up Brett? You look a bit pale."

He swallows. "I just got a call."

I smile at him. "Well, that was obvious, with you talking on the phone."

He looks at me. "Here, take this cocoa, and you're going to want to sit down."

I take the mug and sit across the table from him, a bit worried, he's being a bit more serious than usual.

"What's going on, Brett?"

He looks away, and I'm wondering if that's fear in his eyes. "Tara, that was someone from the DoD, they've detected a small power drain down in the industrial district. Having been informed by me to keep an eye out for these things, they sent an FBI team to the location, and found the building completely empty. They also detected evidence that some heavy equipment had been in the building."

I gasp, and start shaking a bit. "It's starting..."

"Tara, don't worry, I'm here for you, but in a couple of days you're going to need to go to the base and talk to someone."

I try not to cry, but I know he's going to hear the pain in my voice. "But... some of the stuff I know, I can't just tell to anyone."

He nods. "I'm sure they'll work something out."

I sigh. "Brett... I'm scared."

Brett gets up and walks around the table, pulling another chair close. He sits down and just holds me. I do feel a bit safer.

He gives me a small kiss. "I'm here for you, and I'm not going anywhere. I want us to grow old together."

I start sobbing.

Brett nodded solemnly. "Look, I hope that someday you'll tell me everything, but I'm not going to push it."

***

A few days later we head towards the base. Brett gets us past security and we head into the base itself. Descending a few floors towards our destination, we have a bit of time to talk.

Brett gives me a small hug. "I'm here for you, Tara, if you need me, I'll be there as soon as I can. The general is just here so someone can be fully briefed on the situation."

I sigh softly into his chest. "I'm just scared. So many things could go wrong, and I have no way of knowing if I'm doing the right thing."

He brushes a few strands of hair from my face. "I trust you, and I know you'll always do the right thing. You have a good heart and I know that you'll make the right choices when the time comes."

The elevator stops and we walk down a hallway. We head down a twisty little set of corridors until I would be completely lost if I hadn't worked here for years.

Brett knocks on the general's door.

From inside. "Come in."

Brett opens the door. As I'm walking in, he gives me a small hug. "I'll be down in the waiting area. You'll be fine."

I close the door behind me and stand in front of the general's desk. I know him, but, of course, he doesn't know me.

"Please, have a seat, this may take a while. Drink?"

I smile. "Yes, thank you."

He reaches slightly behind desk and opens a small fridge, and hands me a cold soda.

He gives me a warm smile. "Hello, my name is General Steven Anderson, and I understand that you have a bit of a story to tell."

I nod, a bit reluctantly.

He keeps smiling. "Now, before you get started, let me tell you, I realize that until a few years ago, Tara Smith did not exist, and in fact, is first recorded in the records at Star City Memorial Hospital."

I gasp. "I... I..."

"Don't worry, your ID is quite solid. I should know, I helped create it."

He keeps smiling. I'm seriously wondering if he ever stops. "Now, I'd also like to tell you that what little Mr. Thompson has said already, has resulted in a direct order from the President. Anything you say to me, regarding events I shouldn't have knowledge about, will never leave this room."

I sighed. "What would you like to know first?"

Still smiling. "I think the first order of business is establishing your real identity."

I nodded. "Doctor Theodore 'Tedd' Ricten, Mil-ID 3X9FP0136 Civilian, Lead Scientist Project FlashDawn, husband to Carol Ricten, maiden name Evans."

His smile softens slightly. "Wait, you're Tedd? I just saw him in here with Brett a few days ago."

I nod. "Yes, I am. And don't worry, he's not an imposter. The truth is much more unrealistic. I'm Tedd from the future."

His smile returns. "While I'm unfamiliar with the project you mentioned, everything else does check out. I'm assuming the project will be created at a later date?"

I nod. "I have a question before I give you the details on that. If I point out the time of death of someone, will you attempt to prevent it? Even your own?"

His smile finally disappeared, and he sat quietly thinking about that for a couple of minutes. "I... I have to assume that if I come to my alloted time to die in the near future I will have done it with the knowledge gained here, so I would have to say yes. I can't imagine avoiding it just because I knew it was coming, if the cause was important."

I nodded. "Good."

"Why, am I dying soon?"

I smiled. "I have no idea, but if the timeline I'll tell you involved your death, I needed to know that you wouldn't try altering it, which could have disastrous effects, even in defense of your own life."

His smile returned. "Very good, you're just as smart and logical as Tedd. Which, I suppose, is rather reasonable, considering."

I sit for a moment, considering how to approach my next sentence. I decide to return his favor and put a nice big smile on my face, which given the subject matter will hopefully have some impact.

"Project FlashDawn, which I've always considered a stupid name, is created about 6 months after my death."

He gasps. "Do you mean Tedd's death?"

I shake my head. "No, I mean me. Tara Smith, will be dying at some point in the near future. Probably within the next year or so."

He grimaces. "You have an awfully cavalier attitude for someone who's going to die within a couple of years."

I grin. "Yeah, well, I've died once already, it's a bit easier to cope with after the first time."

He nods. "I suppose there's that. But what do you mean the first time?"

I sigh. "Several years from now, Project FlashDawn is going to be attacked. There will be deaths. Someone will have gained access and use my machine to take, what I can only believe is a weaponized version of the Project, and vanishes within the unstable field. I will attempt to shut down the machine and succeed, but at the cost of the room, and everything in it, including myself. I can tell you, I never had my life flash in front of my eyes, my final thought was something along the lines of 'oh shit'."

He chuckles. "Many a combat veteran who's had a near-death experience or has been brought back from the dead has had that exact same sentiment, so I can understand. I assume this is when you then woke in that body in SCMH?"

I nod. "Listen, perhaps it'd be better if I just start at the beginning and tell you everything, up until now, starting from when Tedd first met Tara."

He nods, and we spend the next few hours going over everything in painstaking detail.

***

I meet up with Brett as we start to head home. I'm very drained, emotionally and physically, as the story has many rather emotional moments for me.

I lean into Brett a bit. "So, he's been fully briefed, and I'm now on-call for any future unsual electrical events."

He nodded. "So, he believed you?"

I smile. "Well, I know things that only Tedd should know, plus I had details about the general that I wouldn't have otherwise had. Like his birthday. We went to a party for him in a few years."

He puts his arm around me. "Come on, lets get you home, you've had a rough day."

We leave the base and get into his car, headed towards home.

"So, did you tell him everything?" Brett asked.

I nodded. "Yep, everything. Well, nearly everything."

He thought about that for moment. "How did he get you to trust him to tell him everything?"

I smiled. "Simple. I asked him if I had knowledge of his own death, would he still be willing to do what it takes to get stuff done without interfering with time."

Brett chuckled. "That was low. How did he answer that one?"

"Basically, he said if he died, he probably died knowing everything I was going to tell him, including that he was going to die, and considered it an honorable death."

Brett sighed. "But won't he just tell his superiors?"

I shook my head. "Nope, presidential orders to never divulge his knowledge of the future. That was part of how I could trust him. I assume he's probably mentioned you have to keep a lid on what I've told you as well."

"Yep."

I leaned up against him, but tried not to disturb his arm on the wheel. "Let's just get home, I'm tired."

***

The man and woman stood looking over invoices, trying to make sure they had all the equipment they would need for the next test.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

It had been a few weeks since my little trip to the base. I now had a full set of field-agent gear sitting in the trunk of my car, ready in case a call came for the team.

Yes, team. I'm lead on a full strike team, consisting of 8 'men'. 6 soldiers, a DoD liaison, and myself.

We have a couple of auxiliary units full of scientists and engineers on standby as well. I have to admit to myself that it's kind of neat being part of a military operation such as this.

***

Now we were riding towards the edge of town.

So far the team and I have come across a couple of false positives. We were just coming up to a third site. We disembarked from our HMMWVs and the soldiers began sweeping the outside of the building, a large, long-abandoned looking warehouse.

"Unit 1 clear."

"Unit 2 clear."

"Units 1 and 2 converging on entrance. All clear visually, breaching entrance."

"Entry clear. Unit 1 maintaining entrance cover, unit 2 sweeping interior. Appears mostly empty. Some unidentified items at far side of structure."

"Unit 2 clear. Building appears to be abandoned. Signs of recent use. however."

"Cleared for entry."

Jeremy Wilkins and I entered the warehouse.

The soldiers escort us towards the far end of the warehouse. One of the units stop about half way and take up a defensive position. I'm constantly impressed by how these soldiers act. The other unit follows us right towards the remains of what at first glance looks like group of piles of wires and metal.

Jeremy bends down to inspect one of the piles. "This looks a lot like the leftovers from the Alpha site."

I nod. "Yes, but like the alpha site it appears there's nothing here we can trace. These wires all look rather generic and the metal pieces could be welded by anyone."

Jeremy makes a call to his contact. "Yes, this is Wilkins. Bring in the sweep teams, we think we've got Beta site. Start the trace teams as well, see if we can get a handle on how they entered and exited from here. Maybe we'll get lucky with a satellite."

I walk over and put my hand on Jeremy's shoulder. "At least we've found another one."

Jeremy nods at me. "Yes, and maybe we're getting closer to finding them but we have no real way yet of telling if that's the case. For all we know this site may predate Alpha."

I smile, hoping he picks up on my positive thoughts. "We need to stay focused. The more sites we find, the more evidence we find. They're going to make a mistake somewhere."

After a short time the sweep teams arrive and begin documenting everything. While I'm fairly sure, like Alpha, the remains we found won't be able to allow us to trace buyers or anything fancy like that, I still feel like we're making a step in the right direction.

***

I get out of my car and head into the house. Brett's at the table, eating some leftover pizza, by the looks of it.

Brett looks up at me. "So, anything useful today?"

I nod while putting my jacket over the back of a chair while pulling it out to sit. "We've found Beta site. Jeremy is still a bit skeptical but I think we're finally going in the right direction."

Brett smiles. "So, one step closer to finding the device and saving the world, right?"

"Yep."

Brett puts his pizza down. "Well, that's good news, right?"

"Uh huh. Great news."

Brett cocks his head to the side slightly, like he's studying me. "If that's so... why are you upset?"

I try to hold back my shock. How did he see that? I thought I was holding that back pretty well.

"Look, Tara, you've been living with me long time now. I've gotten pretty good at reading your face and body. You're upset, and I don't think it's over something I said."

I shake my head. "No, it's not. And sometimes you really are too damned insightful."

"So, are you going to tell me?"

I sit down across from him. I try several times to start talking, but I can't quite get a sentence started.

Brett reaches across the table and takes my hand. Such a small gesture but it does help to calm me down a bit. I can feel tears beginning at the corner of my eyes.

"Brett... everything is going to change soon."

Brett brushed his hand along mine. It was a very soothing gesture.

"Tara..."

I could feel myself beginning to tremble.

"Tara."

I barely noticed Brett get out of his chair and round the table. He bent down and encompassed me in a large hug.

"Tara, whatever comes, we'll be alright."

I start crying.

"Tara, are you going to be able to tell me what's wrong?"

I shake my head.

Brett shifts a little bit and helps me stand up. He carefully leads me to my room and lowers me onto my bed.

"I know I'm not going to be able to do anything to help you right now, so why don't you get some rest. We'll talk about whatever you feel like talking about in the morning, okay?"

I nod my head weakly.

Brett turns the lights down and leaves.

I still sit there. How do I tell him that I might be dying soon? How to I tell myself that?

More importantly... am I willing to do it? Will it make a difference? Have I made a difference?

At some point during this I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I realize is that I'm waking up. I pull the covers back and stretch. I realize that Brett must have come in during the night and covered me up after he realized I had fallen asleep.

I get out of bed and head for the shower. Long and hot, the shower helps refresh me a good deal. I dry off and head downstairs.

Brett's eating breakfast and looks up at me.

"Good morning, Tara."

"Morning, Brett."

He gets a serious look on his face. "Look, I didn't want to do this but I'm concerned about you. I've called the base and they have the psych heading here to have a chat with you. I realize you may be angry with me, but I'd rather you do this so I know you're okay. You don't have to tell me anything before they get here, either."

I think this over. On the one hand, I'm a bit upset that he thinks that I may need help, but on the other I remember from my time as Tedd that there is no shame in getting help. Not every problem can be solved by yourself and sometimes you need someone outside your circle to discuss it with.

"It's okay, Brett, I'll talk with them. And I'm not upset, you did it because you care about me, which is very touching. Some days I worry that I'm nothing but a burden on you."

Brett laughed. "Tara, you've been anything but a burden. You're my best friend, and sometimes more. How could anyone consider you to be a burden?"

I sighed. "I dunno, I just feel that way sometimes."

Brett gets up and walks over to me, pulling me into a soft hug. "Listen, Tara, don't you ever think that you're anything but you. You're exactly who you're meant to be."

Brett then gives me a kiss on the forehead and begins cleaning up after his breakfast.

***

A couple hours later and I'm still thinking over Brett's last statement. "You're exactly who you're meant to be."

It sounds profound to me, like it should mean something more, but before I can spend too long philosophizing over it there's a knock at the door.

I get up and answer it. I notice it's the base's psych specialist.

"Hello."

She smiles. "Hello there, Ms. Smith. I got a call that you might had a bit of trouble last night and you seemed to be a bit out of sorts."

I nod and reply a bit sheepishly. "Yeah..."

She interrupts me. "Look, I know there's a lot my security clearance won't let me know, but I am here for anything you do feel you can tell me."

I relax a bit. "So, what have they told you about me."

She giggled slightly. "Uhh, well the most classified thing they were willing to reveal is that you are a time traveler."

I smirk at that. "And how did you react to that revelation?"

"I informed the officer who told me that it'd probably be a good idea if he were to schedule an appointment with me. That was before I realized that the entire panel was staring at my very seriously. After a bit of that I actually got a bit worried. They did manage to convince me, though. Or at least convince me that they were convinced. Either way, I'm not going to judge your mental state based on claims of time travel."

I nod. "Well, I can understand being skeptical, and thank you for being honest. However, they were telling the truth. I did travel back in time several years, and changed bodies as well."

"That must have come as quite a shock to you."

I nod.

"But it seems as though you've gotten past that shock. From what I was briefed, last night was something else."

A bit of a grim expression appears on my face. "Yeah, this is rather the heart of the matter."

"Please, if you're willing, tell me the problem. The only way we can try to help you is by understanding."

I adjust myself in the seat. "People... people are going to die soon."

She gasps. "I assume this is knowledge of the future?"

I try to hold back the tears forming in my eyes. "Yes, sort of. I don't have all the details, or actually many of them, but I know that within the next few months several people are going to die."

She nods slowly. "Are you the one that kills them?"

I shake my head. "No... but I have to let it happen."

She tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

I wipe a tear that had been on my cheek. "Near as I can figure, this is a time loop. If I try to change anything, I could make things worse. I could make them better too, but it's risky. And I have no idea if things I've already done have changed things for better or worse."

She sits thinking about that for a bit. "I see. That must feel like a great weight upon you. But I wonder how you think that saving lives could ever be a bad thing?"

I dab a tissue against my eyes. "What if their deaths save lives of others? Someone not dying when they are supposed to could cause events to play out differently and people who shouldn't die will."

She nods. "I suppose I can understand that. But it still sounds as though you've accepted most of that."

"I suppose... but... I... I feel guilty anyway. I feel so terrible that these people are going to die and even though I know I can't do anything to stop it I want to try."

She reaches out and puts her hand on my knee. "Tara... what you're feeling is absolutely normal, given the circumstances."

I'm taken aback by her response. "Wha... what do you mean?"

She looks me in the eyes. "It sounds like you're feeling exactly the same thing battlefield commanders feel all the time."

Now I'm very confused. "I'm not a battlefield commander, and I can't see how that would apply to me."

"On the battlefield, commanders often have to assign units to tasks that will almost undoubtedly result on the deaths of at least a few of their number."

I think on that for a second. "I can sort of see the similarity, but I still don't quite understand."

She pats my knee and smiles. "Tara, the best commanders feel guilt, knowing they are about to send men to their death. They often need a fair bit of help dealing with their decisions as well. However, I have a name for them."

"Oh, what is that?" I ask.

"Good people."

I smile a bit. "But... I don't feel like a good person."

"And that's why you are. You'll never allow any of those deaths to be wasted. If it's someone's time to die, you'll make the correct decision, and people will be saved. Good people will always make the decisions their heart feels are necessary."

We spend another hour discussing less... heavy topics and I thank her for her visit.

***

Two weeks later and I'm not exactly feeling better, but resolved. I've lived my life, and had experiences which few people will ever have. I've seen the beauty of the world. If things are going to go badly... I'm ready.

The team and I are heading to a suspected third site that's just recently had a power drain incident. It was a fairly significant drain and actually blacked out part of the nearby sections of the city.

We arrive, and Jeremy and I remain inside the vehicle. Since the drain was so recent they've sent several additional units. A small wave a guilt passes over me.

After several minutes the additional teams begin arriving and set up a small temporary structure near where we've got our vehicles parked so they can coordinate.

Over the radio we here the chatter. "Units 1 and 2, set up a perimeter, units 3, 4 and 5, secure entrance, units 6 and 7 wait in reserve."

"All units acknowledge."

"Unit 1 reporting west side of building clear."

"Unit 2 reporting east and north sides of building appear clear."

"Units 3, 4 and 5 approaching south entrance. Visual inspection appears clear."

"Unit 3, you are cleared to breach."

"Unit 3, breaching in 5.."

"Unit 3, has breached the entry, proceeding into building."

"Unit 3, small device on fl..."

A loud explosion rips through the air. The force of the impact rattles our HMMWV and I can barely hear anything. I look over at Jeremy, and he seems to be in a bit of a daze, like he hit his head.

I get the driver's attention and I see blood dripping from his face, looking like his nose has been bloodied. Otherwise he looks okay. I turn my attention back towards Jeremy.

"Jeremy... Jeremy!"

I don't know if I'm even loud enough for him to hear, I can barely hear my own voice in my head. I put my hand on his shoulder and shake it gently to get his attention. After a moment he turns towards me and says something. I see his lips moving but all I hear is this horrible ringing in my ears and I don't hear any of his words.

I pull out a notebook and pen and begin writing.

Are you okay?

He takes the notebook and pen.

Yes, ears ringing, hit my head on window, but seem to be OK. You?"

I take it back.

Ringing, otherwise fine.

He nods at me and we both look out the window towards the building.

The building is in ruins, and I see soldiers running back and forth looking for wounded.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

As we looked out the window at the devastation, I couldn't fight the urge to throw up. The scene outside was just so horrible. I felt like crying.

Jeremy and I remained inside the vehicle while we waited for the additional soldiers and medical units to show up.

We still needed to use a notebook to communicate properly. Apparently we could be heard but we really weren't hearing well enough to understand without people shouting at us. We were told that our hearing should return in the next day or 2.

***

The next day we were all inside the base for debriefing. It turns out that 3 soldiers had died, 2 were in critical condition and another 10 people, including us, sustained injuries.

Thankfully, I had gotten my hearing back. Jeremy's was returning but he said things were still a bit quiet yet.

General Anderson turned to me. "So, Ms. Smith, you said you were listening to the comms chatter when the explosive device detonated?"

I nodded. "Yes, Unit 3 had just breached the entryway when it occurred."

General Anderson nodded at me slowly. "And what happened after that?"

I sighed. "The explosion gave our vehicle a nasty jolt, and I was briefly disoriented. When I got my wits about me I realized that there was a loud ringing in my ears. My first thought was to check on the others in the vehicle. Our driver, when I checked on him, appeared in good condition but was bleeding from what I immediately suspected was a broken nose. When I checked on Jeremy I noticed he had a bit of a glazed look to his eyes. I tried shouting at him but he couldn't hear me. I shook his shoulder and was able to get his attention, and we both realized we couldn't hear. I pulled out a notepad and we wrote to each other to establish condition."

General Anderson seemed impressed. "That was very good. Instead of leaving the vehicle or doing something dangerous you assessed the situation. Perfect way to handle that."

"After that, Jeremy and I looked outside towards the building. I saw the fire and metal and rubble. Then I saw the soldiers near the entrance, the... " I cut off.

"Ms. Smith, I know it's difficult, but I do want you to tell me."

"I saw the soldier with his hand missing, crawling over to a soldier who appeared to be dead. I... I couldn't handle it, and I threw up inside the vehicle." I said, turning a bit green at the thought.

General Anderson spoke softly. "Ms. Smith, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. I myself did the same thing after I witnessed the results of a bombing on my unit back in Desert Storm. It's one of the ways your body deals with stress. Now, did anything happen after that?"

"Not really. Jeremy and I stayed in the vehicle figuring it was a safe place, until the others arrived."

"Ms. Smith, I just want you to know that you've been through something that some soldiers will never go through. Don't be embarrassed. You should be proud. You survived."

"If anything, General, I feel guilty. I knew something bad was going to happen, but I never had the details from back while I was Tedd. I knew soldiers were going to die today, and I did nothing to stop it."

"Ms. Smith, from what you've told me, if you had stopped it things could be much worse. I don't blame you for the loss of my men, and neither does the department of homeland security, who are using our soldiers on loan for this operation. So far you've been acting far better than I think anyone else in your position would have. I understand the pain of knowing people you see are going to die, and it never fades, but it does get easier. The lives we save if we stop this device will be worth it."

I'm not sure how to respond to that, so all I can think to say is "Thank you, General."

We ended the debriefing and I began to consider the next thing I had to do. This was going to be difficult.

***

About a week later, I call Carol to meet me at Brett's house to have lunch. Brett was at work with Tedd, so I knew we would be alone.

Carol arrives and places her coat on the back of her chair and sits down.

I smile up at her. "Hi babe. Thought we should get together one... more time."

She smiles back. "I always have time for you."

I get up and bring a bottle of alcohol and a couple of glasses out, and place them on the table. I pour a little for each of us.

"Carol, before I continue, I want you to know I still love you with every fiber of my being. That has never changed."

She gives me a slightly worried look. "Tara, I've never doubted that. But why do you bring this up all of a sudden?"

"Carol... within the next few weeks, I'm going to die."

Carol gasped and jumped out of her chair. "What?! What do you mean you're going to die?"

I stand up and give myself a little shake. "Carol, it has to happen, I don't think it's something I can avoid."

"How is this going to happen? Are you going to commit suicide?"

I shake my head. "No, Carol, I could never do that. You know me better than that."

She shakes her fists at me. "Then you're going to have to do everything you can to stop it. You aren't going to die. I can't lose you."

I sink back down into the chair, crying. "How do you think I feel? This isn't something I can readily avoid. It needs to happen."

"BULLSHIT it needs to happen. You're going to do everything you can to try and stay alive, do you hear me?"

"Carol.. the time loop..." I say through tears.

She wipes at some her own tears and looks at me again. "I don't give a fuck about time, I care about you. And you need to stay alive. And you're going to do everything you can to stay alive, do you hear me?"

"Carol..."

"Do you hear me, Tara?!" she shouts.

I nod. "Okay, I'll try."

She walks over and puts her arms on my shoulders. "Not good enough, I want you to promise me you'll stay alive."

"I... I can't promise that. I can promise to try."

She stared at me. "That's not good enough."

"It's the best I can do. Things may happen outside of my control. I can try, but with what is probably going to happen it'll be unlikely."

She shook her head. "I can't lose you, you're too important to me."

I put my arms around her and pull her against me in a hug. "I've already kind of died once, can you imagine how I felt knowing I'd never see you again? I wouldn't be doing any of this if it weren't important."

She sniffled. "I suppose."

I hugged her tighter. "I have no desire to do that again but I also know that if it comes down to the decision to save thousands or millions of lives, my own is a small cost."

"Not to me, Tara, not to me."

I gave a small shudder. Those words made me feel so loved.

I separated from her and walked over to the counter and opened a drawer. "Here, I need to give you this. You can't open it now, and you need to put it in a safe place, like your fire box under the bed."

She looked at the envelope quizzically. "What is it?"

I cleared my throat. "In a few years, Tedd will be working on a project involving the use of tachyons as a method of faster than light communication. The letter contains a series of equations and settings for the machinery that he'll need."

She appeared even more confused. "But... he hasn't even started on any project like that."

"Listen, my love, the contents of that envelope are what brought me back here, near as I can tell. If you don't give it to him I might never live."

She sits down and wipes at her tears. "But, how will I know when to give it to him."

"That, unfortunately, is the the other hard part of this conversation. You need to give it to him the night Brett dies."

She gasps. "Brett? But how? When?"

I try to give an assuring smile. "Don't worry, it's years off. Just, when Tedd tells you, you need to give this to him. Without it everything could collapse."

She looks at the envelope and back up at me. "Why are you giving this to me, though? Surely someone else could do this."

I look her in the eyes. "That envelope literally contains my life. There's noone else I could trust with a burden like that. You literally hold my life in your hands."

"I'm sorry, Tara, this is just too much."

I gently give her a kiss. "It's a heavy burden, I know, but you can handle it, I've seen you do it. It'll be rough at times, but you are too strong a person to give up."

She smiles. "Thank you."

***

Roughly 2 weeks later, I'm sitting at home when I get a call.

"Tara, we've got an active power drain, largest one yet."

I gasp. "And it's still active?"

"Yes. Meet us at checkpoint 3."

I sigh. It's time. "On my way."

Brett looks at me, noticing the sudden change in my demeanor.

"Tara, what's wrong."

I walk over to Brett and take his face in my hands. "Brett, I need you to do me a favor. No matter what happens today I need you to stay strong. Tedd and Carol are going to rely heavily on your support."

He twists his head slightly and looks into my eyes. "Tara... what... why are you... that sounds like you aren't coming back."

I know tears are welling in my eyes but I refuse to cry. "Brett, I..."

He has such an intense look in his eyes. "Damnit Tara, tell me you're coming back!"

I put my head against his chest. "I... I can't do that."

"Bullshit, I'll keep you here if I have to."

I shake my head, still against his chest. "You can't do that, if I don't go, hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of people could die. I couldn't live with myself if that happened."

"But I can't live without you. You're the only person since Summer died that I've truly cared about this deeply."

I hold him tighter. "Brett, I need to do this. People are going to die today and if I don't go, their deaths will be for nothing. I could never handle that. I... I need to do this. Just as you need to keep going."

"But why does it have to be you?" he asks, his voice starting to break.

"Because there's nobody else."

I grab my stuff and start heading out the door, trying hard to not burst into tears. If I start crying now It'll be difficult. Just as I close the door, I hear a soft "I love you, Tara."

I wipe at my tears. I guess I'll just have to take my chances on the road.

***

I get into my car and head to checkpoint 3, which is a small vacant lot about 4 miles outside the city. I don my gear and head enter the HMMWV to find Jeremy already waiting for me.

I give him an empty smile. "So, Jeremy, any updates?"

"Units are preparing to converge on the location. After the last one, we've been cleared to access any available satellites, we've also gotten thermal imagers provided to us by a local SWAT team."

I sigh. "I imagine the soldiers are going to be loaded for war, this time."

"Yes, acting through the Department of Homeland Security, and an order of the President, our units are authorized to use any and all rational measures against this target."

I nod. "Where is this location?"

"It's in a scientific facility about a half mile from West Bridge."

Now I'm starting to get bits of the picture. The bridge will be important, but I don't know why yet.

We continue driving towards the facility. "So, Jeremy, do we have any idea of the layout of this building?"

He nods. "Yes, we've identified it as a scientific research center with 5 above-ground floors and 3 sub-levels. We're going to have a hard time if they've holed themselves up in the sub-levels."

Just then I see an array of flashing lights outside. The driver announces that we're almost there, and from what I can see the local police have completely cut off this area.

Our driver stops a short distance beyond the police line. He waits until the soldiers arrive and get into positions around the building before driving towards a group of soldiers setting up a temporary barricade.

We watch as the units move to start surrounding the building, and suddenly the windows on the second floor are blown out and I see something quickly streak towards a HMMWV about 100 yds away from us. The vehicle doesn't survive.

The driver quickly steps on the gas and parks in front of the barricade. "Get out! Get behind the wall! I'll leave this hear and if they shoot towards us it should take the impact."

I grab my stuff and jump out the door opposite the research facility, and wait for Jeremy to follow me. Soldiers are shouting as men with guns start running out of the building and setting up behind cars and other assorted bits of cover. These guys begin firing on the soldiers, who are also concerned with the RPG on the second floor. I hear another loud noise amongst the gunfire and a vehicle about 60 yards away from us bursts into flame and rains shrapnel down on the nearby pavement.

Our driver appears next to us and prepares his weapon for use. Over his radio we here some of the comms.

"We're being pushed back on the west perimeter, watch our flank."

"Unit 17 in place, setting up."

I kind of peek beneath the vehicle and there's rubble in the way so I can't see much of anything. I sit back up quickly after hearing some bullets ricochet off the vehicle behind ours. I'm trying to think of what I can do but all this stuff seems to be happening at once and I can't seem to find a moment of clarity to think... like all I can do is react.

I flinch a bit as bullets hit the building behind our barricade, and cough to try and keep the brick dust out of my lungs. As I'm coughing I hear some shots and I see a soldier taking cover about 20 yards away fall over.

"RPG down, RPG down, keep a watch on that window."

I stare at the soldier, watching closely. I give a brief sigh of relief when I see her chest is still moving, but she does have blood appearing on her uniform's lower torso. I start fighting with myself, thinking that if I don't do something she'll die, but if I do, it may change things...

"Good people will always make the decisions their heart feels are necessary."

I wait for a calm between fire and quickly dart over to her, and grab her by her armor straps. I can't do anything for her here but she'll be safer if I can get her behind the barricade. Dragging her isn't easy but I'm getting there.

I'm reaching the gap between vehicles. This is the most dangerous part, as I know I'll be exposed for a bit, but I have to keep doing this or I'll never feel good about myself again. Just as I start pulling her into the gap I find myself feeling something large on the back of my armor.

My thoughts race as I suddenly find myself lifted into the air.

The life of a physicist can be troubling, at times, as the universe doesn't always play well with others.

But even the universe can't break a true promise.

---

I struggle to look behind me and find that this absolutely huge enemy soldier has picked me up off the ground by my armor. I start trying to kick and hit him, but he seems to just shrug it off. For the first time since I became Tara, I'm left feeling weak.

Feeling weak makes me angry, and I redouble my efforts to struggle.

"Put me down, I'm not some toy you freak!"

I manage to catch my forearm under his helmet, and it opens to show his face. I aim a punch right for his nose, but he shifts, grabs my arm with his other hand, and glares at me. I'm now fairly certain I'm going to die here.

And then I'm falling to the ground, beside Goliath, who hits the ground with a large thud. I scramble back behind the vehicles, passing by the girl I had tried to save. I'm ashamed to admit it, but at the moment my own skin is paramount. I hear the fighting begin to quiet.

And then I lose the contents of my stomach after seeing what happened to that giant man's face.

"Unit 17 reporting no visual contact."

"Unit 3, no visual contact."

"Unit 8, no visual contact."

"Comms, we appear to have the exterior secure."

I breathe a sigh of relief, one part of this is done. I look over towards the girl I had been grabbing, and see a medic working on her. She's not moving, but I'm hoping she'll be alright.

A voice from behind me startles me. "Ma'am, we have the outside of the building secure, and are preparing to make entry. Would you like to wait out here until we have the building secure?"

I think about that for a moment. "No, I don't think I can wait out here, you'll need me on site immediately if the device is active."

"Acknowledged, ma'am."

He reaches for his radio. "Unit 3, Comms, principal has requested to join entrance teams."

"Comms, acknowledged. Unit 3, 8 and 11 will form breach team. Principal will join 8 who will be in defensive formation."

"Unit 3, acknowledged"

The soldier helps me to my feet, and I see teams forming up. I follow the soldier towards the door, and we meet up with the others in the units who will be entering.

"You guys heard the setup, right? Check your gear."

Everyone around me begins checking their weapons, and 3 of them wave to nearby men to provide extra magazines. I have a small handgun tucked into a small holster on my thigh but I haven't used it. Still, taking after the guys, I pull it out and double check that everything I can see is still in order.

The soldier who had brought me over here sees me. "Nice pistol."

I realize he's just trying to make smalltalk, probably trying to keep me from getting nervous. Or trying to keep himself from getting nervous.

"The general decided after... previous experiences that I should have something of my own."

He smiles. "Well, you can't go wrong with the M9A1."

I nod. "The general made sure I spent plenty of time practicing, too."

He looks about, and sees the others are just about prepared for entry. The members of unit 8 approach.

"Ma'am, as we enter, we're going to form a diamond around you. We want you to stay in the center of that diamond as best as possible. If we tell you to get to cover, you'll follow the Sergeant. Understood."

I smile. "Anything goes wrong, stick close to the sergeant, got it."

We begin entering, a team in front, our team, and a team behind. It's slow going. Behind I see some more soldiers enter and begin gathering near the stairs upward. We continue around the main lobby and begin checking each of the rooms on the main floor. Finding nothing of value, we slowly head down the stairs to the next level. We start doing much the same thing until we reach what appears to be a large lounge or lunchroom area, the front team begins sweeping, has reached about a third of the way across the room when our team enters and takes up position behind some pillars.

Suddenly there's a gunshot. Everyone drops down, and gets into cover. I slide next to the sergeant and pull out my gun. I'm not expecting to use it but there's no way I'm going to be caught without taking a shot. I hear several shots being traded back and forth but I decide it's far safer to stay where I am.

Everyone else is looking towards the direction of the enemy, but I'm staring back, and slowly I realize something in the wall appears to be moving. I see a panel begin to slide sideways.

And then I see a face and upper body. I fire at it repeatedly. The sergeant hears my fire and turns around, spotting the attacker. She shouts and a couple of the soldiers turn around and watch our rear. After a few more minutes, the fighting ends. One of our team has a graze, and another soldier quickly bandages it. The head of unit 3 comes over and sees the body half out of the wall.

"What happened here?"

The sergeant reports. "Sir, she was watching our rear and spotted this man coming out of the hidden panel, fired several shots and killed him."

He looks at me, impressed. "Several?"

"Well, the rangemaster was fond of a few sayings. Especially what he quoted as 'United States Marine Core Rules of Engagement #2: if it is worth shooting, it is worth shooting twice.'"

He laughs. "Yeah, he's a good man. Thank you for watching our rear, we might have sustained heavy losses. You may have just saved all our lives."

I blush.

"Alright people, let's keep going."

We get back into our formations and continue heading through the building. Finishing off that first basement, we had to the second, and finding no difficulties on the second, head to the third.

The third floor seems different, just a long hallway. We reach the turn at the end of it, and the lead unit spots a couple of defenders. The quickly take them out and we head towards a large door. It appears to be very solid.

"Okay, everyone get back, we're going to need to use a breaching charge."

I watch one of the soldiers pull a package out of his pack, and begins attaching it to the door. The front and rear teams form up on either side of the door, with us further back.

"Breaching! Fire in the Hole!"

I cover my ears as the door explodes. The teams begin entering the room and after a minute we hear a voice. "We have a problem in here."

My unit's lead frowns, and asks a question. "Is it safe to enter?"

"We have a large glowing device in one corner of the room, and a woman at a set of controls behind glass."

"Alright, we're entering."

I follow them in, and spot the woman behind the glass, and the tachyon device in far corner.

The device is obviously active. "What are you doing? You don't know what that will do!"

She turns to me. "Actually, I do. We've had years to study it. It's going to destroy a large mass around it. At current settings, it'll probably clear a couple million metric tons."

I gasp. "That could destroy a large portion of the city!"

She smiles. "I know. Originally we were going to use it in the middle east."

I'm now a bit confused. "But.. why... why are you using it here then?"

"Well, after I stole the device I was crossing the main lab back in this mountain, some scientist had an experiment and we needed some of his hardware to finish the device. I somehow got pulled into some sort of... I don't know. But I ended up here. In the past."

My eyes open wide in shock. "But... but the video... was a man who went into the room and vanished."

I had said it fairly quietly, but she still heard. Her eyes locked onto mine. "It's true... but after I got here, the men I was working with treated me totally differently... and... I didn't have any friends. The ones I thought were friends... they did things to me... and now they're going to pay!"

She shuddered. "But... how do you know?"

"It was my lab."

She laughs. "They said the lab's main scientist was a guy."

I nod.

She gets a mad look in her eyes. "Oh my god, you too? You mean I wasn't the only one sent back here? And changed into a girl?"

I nod again.

She laughs... it has a sort of crazy edge to it now... "Oh my, that's just to perfect. Here, we finally meet. And together we can die!"

She manipulates the controls and a computerized voice speaks. "15 minutes to detonation."

Oh... fuck.

I shout. "Get her away from there!"

One of the soldiers fires at the chamber. The glass cracks but holds.

He sneers. "Shit, it's bulletproof."

I being to start panicking. Another soldier leans over towards him and begins chatting quietly with him.

They nod to each other, and both point their weapons at the chamber.

"One!"

And they both fire.

The glass shatters but holds.

"Two!" Again, the fire together. "Three!" Another round.

I see glass falling from the door of the chamber, and the girl is dead.

I turn on the soldiers, shocked. "How did you do that?"

The second soldier smiles. "I had a thought that if we could hit the glass at the same time maybe we could produce a pressure wave in the bulletproof glass and cause it to destroy itself."

"... wait, they have smart soldiers?"

He laughs. "I'm just here for the college money."

Remembering the chamber, I turn around, and see one of the soldiers forcing the door open.

They pull her body out and I rush forward to enter. I look at the controls and quickly try to find something to deactivate the device. I begin working with some of them and start working at the computer.

"Shit. SHIT SHIT SHIT."

The soldiers are staring at me. "What's up?"

"I can't turn it off."

"What do you mean?"

Tears form at the corners of my eyes. "It's self-powering now, the most I can do is try to turn down it's yield."

The unit commander looks at me. "How.. how much."

"I don't know, if I'm lucky maybe a couple orders of magnitude, but that's still going to be a lot of matter."

He looks worried. "Any idea how much?"

I shrug. "If I can turn it down, maybe a block or two. If I can't... most of Star City."

He grabs his radio. "Unit 3, Comms, we need an evacuation, as much as possible, as far as possible. We have 10 minutes."

I walk over to the device and give the small computer interface panel on it's side a small punch. This isn't how it's supposed to end.

The sergeant comes over and puts her hands on my shoulders. "Ma'am, we need to get out of here."

"It's no use. This wasn't even supposed to happen."

She gives me a strange look. "What was supposed to happen?"

"This device ends up going off in the water by the West Bridge."

She thinks for a moment. "Why the water?"

I wipe at some tears. "Why the water? I don't know. I..."

Oh Tara, you brilliant, brilliant woman.

I look up at her, a sudden fire in my eyes. "I've got it. I need to get to the West Bridge right away. We need to get there before this goes off."

I grab the device and we all quickly begin running out of the building. The commander radios ahead as we run, securing transport.

I hop into the back of one of the HMMWVs and we speed off towards the bridge with 9 minutes left.

One soldier asks... "So, why the bridge?"

I smile. "The water, if I can keep the yield on this down, it'll still eat a lot of matter, but with water... water is consistent, and it will surround the device. With luck all the matter it needs will be from the river. At low yield, it may be 20 or 40 metric kilotons of matter instead of the 2 million or more the woman suggested."

He whistles.

Unfortunately, we run into a traffic jam just before the bridge. 6 minutes.

I get out and we start running. At a restaurant near the bridge I spot something that makes my heart crumble. Tedd and Carol outside seeing what all the commotion is. The see me and start running after me.

I don't have time to stop so I keep running towards the middle of the bridge. I reach the middle of the bridge with 3 minutes left.

Tedd and Carol and a group of soldiers are following.

I keep working at the controls trying to keep the yield down.

Carol shouts at me. "Tara, what are you doing?"

I being crying. "I'm leaving, Carol. I have to go with this. I have to try and keep the settings where they are."

2 minutes.

Tedd shouts at me. "What are you doing Tara, you can't jump off the bridge, just come back and we'll work out whatever this is, together."

I shake my head at him, still crying. "I'm sorry Tedd, it has to be me. You'll understand one day."

80 seconds. I make a final adjustment to the device.

I crawl up onto the railing. I gather myself for my jump.

With tears in my eyes, I tighten my grip on the device. I turn back towards Tedd and Carol.

"Just do one thing for me... please. Survive."

And I jump. I hold on tight to the device as the water comes rushing up to meet me, and I try to make myself as slim as possible, wanting to take the device as far into the water as I can.

I hit the water with a crash, the device hitting my chest hard, probably breaking a couple of ribs, but I ignore the pain. I won't feel any of it soon anyway.

Just as I feel I'm about to run out of breath, I see a bright flash.

***

---

***

Carol's POV
***

It's been 6 months since Tedd and Brett died, and I've been so lonely. All the platitudes from the Department of Defense personnel really didn't do much to ease the grief I felt at being alone. Losing my husband wasn't made any easier with the knowledge that he was going to become Tara and I got to see him after. Because of this damned time travel business my husband returned to me before he died, and then died again. There's all sorts of grief that I don't think I'll ever be able to deal with completely. I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling once again, wondering how life ended up this way.

I cherish the memories we had together, but I know in my heart that I'd give anything to make more memories.

A sound from outside breaks me out of my little depression. I know none of them would want me to be like this but I still... it hurts. It hurts bad.

I hear a car turn off outside. I quickly try to get dressed as I realize I'm about to have visitors, and I don't want to look like I've been sitting here crying again, even if it's true.

While I'm dressing there's voices outside, but I can't quite make them out. They don't sound angry or anything so I don't think I need to worry that they may be here to hurt me. But it also gives me more time to get ready. I look in the mirror and see that my hair is a mess, and quickly try to brush it all back into a quick ponytail. Not my finest hairdo but whomever is at the door is just going to have to suffer with it.

The doorbell rings. I shout down the stairs. "I'll be down in a moment!"

About 2 minutes later, with shoes on, finally, I go down to answer the door. I see through the stained glass in the middle of the door what looks like a military uniform. I open the door.

He greets me. "Hello, ma'am. I'm General Steven Anderson. I'd like to know if I could have a little chat with you."

I'm a bit taken aback. I've never had someone ranked this high come to talk to me.

I compose myself and welcome him in. He brings a couple of other people in with him and they take up position near the door.

"Would you like something to drink, General Anderson?"

"I'd love some coffee if you have it, ma'am. The stuff my wife makes isn't all that great so I take it where I can get it." He says with a smile.

I return with a cup of coffee for the general and for myself, sitting with my back towards the door.

He accepts the mug and sits down. "Thank you. Now, I suppose you're wondering why I'm here."

I nod. "I can't imagine why someone of your rank would come all the way out here to talk to me. All the important stuff happened with my husband, and our friends."

He nods, and there's a bit of a sad expression in his face as he does. "I worked with your husband and with Brett. They were both upstanding citizens and their dedication to their work was something I wish I could get even a tenth of the men under my command to show. Their deaths were a great loss to this country."

I can't help but hear the sincerity in his voice. "Thank you. I always knew they enjoyed their work but to hear someone else show appreciation means a lot to me."

He smiles. "First, I wanted to let you know that Brett has been posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom."

I gasp slightly.

He continues. "I'd also like you to know that your husband has been posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, with Distinction. His sacrifice saved the lives of many that day. He will not be forgotten."

I can't hold back the tears. Tedd was being recognized with the highest possible award a civilian can get. This means that the very highest of government knows what he did, and thanks him. Knowing that people like that care about my husband pushes me fully into bawling territory.

For all that he is, the general just waited until I was finished, providing me with a handkerchief to dry my eyes.

I can't help but still have tears in my eyes. "Thank you, General... I know he would've just said he was doing his job."

The general smiles again. I think he does this a lot. "The best men and women I've ever met have always said the same."

He then clears his throat. "I would also like to tell you that Tara Smith has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, with Distinction. It may have taken a while longer, but it was also felt that this award was deserved. Her sacrifice saved untold lives that day."

He nods at the female soldier.

She turns towards me and begins to speak. "Ma'am, she saved my life. I had been shot and she pulled me to safety. I owe her my life, as do many others. I'm honored to have served with her.

I sniffle some more. Hearing this about them doesn't remove the grief but it does make it seem a bit less heavy.

The general begins speaking again. "However, I didn't come here today to inform you about these medals. They were all duly earned, and they'll forever have my utmost respect."

I blink a bit at that. "Well, if I may ask... what did you come here for today?"

"You are aware of the flooding near the commercial district about 3 weeks ago?"

I nod. "Something about one of the nearby hotels having a leak from it's rooftop pool, as I recall."

"Well, that's not entirely the truth. Something else happened there, but the important thing is that we discovered something of yours in the flooding."

Now I'm very confused. What could he have found of mine?

I cough a bit and then ask. "I can't think of any reason anything of mine would have been found in the flood."

He nods. "I can understand, but it's true. We have a package out in the car, so we can return to you what's yours."

I blink a bit. "Do they normally send generals out for package delivery?"

He laughs. "No, but some packages are more important than others. Would you like me to have my soldiers bring it in?"

"Sure, they can bring it right in here."

He nods towards the female soldier again, and she walks out.

"I think you'll like what we found. It's in very good condition, and we're somewhat eager to return it to you."

I'm still a bit confused as I hear the door open behind me. "I really can't think of anything you might have found down there, but I'm fine with accepting whatever this package is."

He just looks at me for a moment, then motions the woman to bring the package closer. I'm a bit startled when I see that she's not carrying anything, but looks like she's walking with another person. I look up into their face.

And I cry. I cry like I've never cried before, but these tears are the happiest tears I could possibly have.

"But... how... how can it be you, how can you be here? I saw you die!"

Tara scoops me up into a huge hug and there are tears in her eyes and I'm crying into her neck.

"The flood... that was the river... and me, appearing."

I try to soak this in a bit. It's a bit too much for me to accept. I watched her die years ago and had come to terms with it.

I managed to speak a bit between sobs. "But... but... you died!"

"No, I just ended up here. It seems that my last-minute alterations managed to make the detonation just stable enough for another trip through time."

I start pounding on her chest. "DAMNIT I saw you die. How... how can you be back here."

She takes my face in her hands, and puts our heads together, with our lips only inches apart.

"I told you I'd come back to you, no matter what. I promised."

And she kissed me.