AUTHOR’S NOTE: The following work is fiction. The characters mentioned herein are fictional as well and do not represent anyone living. Occasionally I might mention someone real, like Victor Hugo, but that is so I don’t have to create an entire pop culture in order to write this story. Some of the places are fictional as well.
The emotions are real.
I call it a story, but I would be lying if I called it untrue. It’s up to you to believe, especially since I gave this story to a friend to publish. I don’t know why I feel the need to publish my story, and by the end, maybe I’ll have some idea. Maybe, as well, one of you could tell me.
Right, the song. If I were a good author, I’d drag out the connection to the title. I’d make you work for it. You’d be reading along and suddenly you’d think, ‘Oh, so that’s what the title means.’
You would smile and consider yourself smart all the way through the rest of the story.
Well, I’m not a very good author. I am, however, rambling so let me get back…
It scares me. The song, I mean. No, not the song itself, but what it represents in my life, what it says about my future. That’s not even right. What I mean to say is...I am afraid this is all a dream.
I have never been one to be afraid of still being in a dream before. My dreams always have clues to the fact that they are dreams hidden within them. Like when I can jump over thirty feet into the air and I spend the entire dream leaping from place to place.
A dream imagery specialist might say that it has something to do with my desires to soar above the rest of humanity, but an underlying inability to trust in my own abilities. Personally, I just think it’s cool and that is likely why it really happens. Of course, recently I have begun to dream of flying…
I’m sorry. I have a tendency to babble when I’m nervous, and this all makes me very nervous.
I was born a girl. Not a traditional girl, maybe, but I was a girl all the same. Not what you expected, is it? I’ll get to that. You see, for the longest time everyone around me was sure I was a boy, and in fact I allowed them to shape my opinion of myself. When you spend a good time as a youth bullied by people both in the secular world and in the religious one, it isn’t too hard to begin to believe that some of what people are saying about you must be true.
When it gets to that point, the point where you believe what other people are saying about you more than what you think about yourself, then the war begins. You see, somewhere inside you is your self image. This is who your mind tells you that you are. Who you are is conventionally assumed to be somewhere between this self image and your perceived image, or what other people believe you to be.
a severe disconnect comes into play when your self image and perceived image are significantly different, or at least if you believe them to be significantly different, then you will be in for a world of mental anguish.
The more you push yourself to fit into the neat little box that the world wants to place you in, the more that it hurts to be in that box. And when you are bullied and they provide you with an image that is not only disparate but erroneous in comparison with your self image...then the pain never ends.
It is, however, a pain I thought that I would live with. The longer you are in pain, the less you realize that it is there. It’s not that it goes away, but that your mind recognizes it and then ignores it. Mental anguish is the same as physical anguish.
You only really notice pain when it changes, or so has been my own personal experience with the subject.
In my dreams, however, my life was perfect. In my dreams it was no longer my conscious mind in control. My castle on a cloud was not the child like fantasy that Cosette created for herself, but there were marked similarities.
People spoke kindly to me in my castle. They loved me for who I was, not who they wanted me to be. I wasn’t a boy or a man. I was myself as myself. Sometimes I was beautiful. Sometimes not. Always, though, I was happy. That was the castle that I developed for myself and kept locked away within, only to allow it out when I slept.
That all changed when I got sick. I didn’t dream much about anything, and when I did dream, they were delerium and nothing I would call happy or restful, impregnated as they were with the pain, new pain of course, that I felt while awake or asleep.
My muscles ached. I had a fever of 101, fahrenheit of course which is about 38 celsius. Nothing I ate would stay down and left me either back the way it entered or forcefully through the other end. I was miserable when I didn’t just pray for death.
You’ve all been there, I’m sure.
thing is, when you are sick like that for a week, you begin to worry about your liFe, and wonder if it’s not more than just a cold, or at least I did.
“Well, Mr. Carson, it looks like you’ve lost close to fifty pounds since your last checkup.” The doctor said overly cheerfully. I just glared at him.
“I see here that you have a temperature at 101. How long has that been going on?”
“Since Thursday...”
“Usually a fever is only…”
“Of last week,” I concluded with another glare. This wasn’t my usual GP, and I had to say that I really didn’t like this guy.
“Oh...well...what other symptoms do you have?”
“Vomiting, diarrhea, significant weight loss…”
“You’ve lost this weight in the past week?” He was getting a little shocked now. I smiled weakly at him and nodded.
“Ok, well, get changed into this gown and let’s have a look at you.”
He left me in the room and I changed into the gown. I call it a gown, but it is actually a device of torture, especially when you’re over six feet tall with a long torso. Or it had been before I tried it on that time. Where the gown normally only fell to around mid thigh, it went almost to my knees.
“This is weird,” I said just as the doctor re-entered the room.
“What is?”
“Did you get longer gowns?”
“What do you mean?”
“Normally they’re shorter than this.” This seems to be about 3 or 4 inches longer than usual.”
“Spend a lot of time in hospital gowns?”
“Well, I got my gallbladder out not too long ago, and there was the time in the ER before that for gallstones...so I’ve been in them a fair amount over the past few years.”
“Well, as far as I know these are standard issue.”
“Out of curriosity, how tall does it say I am in there?”
“Six three.”
I grumble a bit. I’ve never gotten an accurate measurement, with it fluctuating from six one to six four. I am as tall as people who are 6’5”, so I have to assume that the fluctuation has a lot to do with the fact that I have a bad back. Mainly, it has to do with the fact that one of my legs is two inches longer than the other, which skews my hips. So, even when I stand up straight, I’m never standing up straight.
“How about we measure that?” I said.
We walk out to hallway and I get back up on the scale again. I stand up straight, and I don’t have to really push myself to keep things straight.
“This can’t be right,” the doctor said after a moment. He adjusted my feet a bit and then checked my back. He measured again. He looked through the notes and then called out, “Nurse Plinket? Could you come here for a moment?”
They conversed quietly for a moment and then measured me again.
“Is there a problem?”
“We must have made a mistake before,” the nurse said.
“Yes, you did. I’m six five.”
They both looked a little embarrassed. “We show you as six foot even.”
“Look, I know that I measure differently. The left side of my body is bigger than the right. See…” I put my hands together to do my normal measure trick. They were the same size.
“That’s not right,” and then I tried it again.
“Excuse me for a moment…”
I rush back to the room and lift the gown to check out...things. I screamed.
“What in the hell?” I yelled.
“Mr. Carson?”
“My...they’re…”
I couldn’t bring myself to say it, but they were small. When I say that the entire left side of my body was bigger than the right, I mean the whole thing. My left testicle was normal sized but my right was significantly undersized, or at least that is how it was before that moment.
Both of them were the same small size as my right used to be, or I should say still was.
“This can’t be happening,” I said, “None of this can possibly be real.”
It’s not really that I was attached to the appendage, but it’s more like I was used to it. I explained things to the doctor, whose name I still didn’t know, proceeded to poke and prod me. He listened to my breathing and heart. Checked my blood pressure and did a lot of humming and hawing. The only comment I remembered during this whole thing was, “You seem to have lost more weight around your abdomen that anywhere else.”
After he was done examining me he sat down to write down his notes, “You didn’t mention your hair loss.”
I blushed, “I shave my body.”
“That would leave stubble, even after a few hours. I couldn’t detect any stubble, and in fact there were no visible follicles that I could see.”
Everything he said was filtered through a daze. He mentioned trying a different diet to try and reduce the weight loss and in general suggested things that I had already been trying over the past week. He gave me a couple of prescriptions, which I filled, and then I went home to go back to sleep.
I think I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night to expel more, and I remember marvelling that after a week of eating basically nothing that I still had something to throw up. I wobbled back to bed each time, barely aware of my surroundings and stumbled into bed.
For the first time I can remember I had no dreams, or at least no dreams I can remember. My alarm went off at 6:30 in the morning, like it usually does. Even if I was asking for time off work, that doesn’t mean I would turn off my alarm. I was giving my boss an update on a daily basis, letting him know I wasn’t dead...yet.
The first thing I noticed that morning was that I felt light. No, not light headed, but light. Before all this mess started I had a tendency to over-eat. It was a coping method for depression that I learned from my mom. I had capped out at a massive 320 pounds. I moved a lot easier than I had in as long as I could remember.
“How are you feeling, honey,” my wife said from the other side of the bed.
“I’m feeling a lot better,” I replied. There was something off about my voice. She rolled over and looked at me, her eyes widened and she screamed.
“What is it?” I said getting worried.
“Who are you and what are you doing in my room,”
“Sam, it’s me Bill.”
“You’re not my husband.”
“Of course I am.” It registered that my voice was higher pitched than I was used to, and...softer? I’m not sure how to describe it, but that wasn’t exactly correct.
“Ok, so if I’m not your husband, how did I get him out of here in the middle of the night without help?”
“Maybe he went willingly,” she said looking me up and down.
“I am Bill Carson.”
“I just don’t believe you.”
“I always believed that I was a girl inside, and I told you about it when we lived in our first apartment.”
“Bill..?” she said in a little bit of wonder and then began laughing. “I must be dreaming.”
“What is wrong with how I look?”
Still laughing she turned on the light and pointed to the mirror in our headboard. My hair was a mess and reached at least to the middle of my back. It was always something I checked first and usually with more than a note of disappointment.
My intake of breath was audible, because the changes didn’t end there. I could still see myself in my face in the curve of my eyebrows, my blue eyes with the familiar flecks, and the moles and other imperfections in my skin.
The skeletal structure underneath was different. It’s not that my skin sagged either. My lips were just a bit fuller and my cheekbones were just a touch higher. My jaw wasn’t as square and my nose was...cute.
My heart began to race as I started to realize what I was seeing. I was used to being able to see my chest, but that was normal with how big I’d been. Looking at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t help but notice that I had a waist. I put my hands to my sides and pulled in the top I was wearing. It made other things much more prominent and I had to tear off my shirt to get a better look.
I was used to the fat rolls, and these were definitely not fat rolls.
I put my hands to the flesh extending from my chest and I could feel it from both sides, both the feel of it in my hands and the feel of my hands on my...breasts
“I have breasts,” I said in awe. “If this is a dream, then it is one for both of us.”
“I never said it was a dream, just that I had to be dreaming. This is a nightmare.”
“Sam…”
“How could you do this to me?”
“Do what? I got sick. It’s a weird side effect…”
“You look and sound like a woman. What sort of illness causes that?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but then I shut it again. I had no answer for her, and even worse, I had no answer for myself. On the web, there are stories about this sort of thing happening to people. Oh, I know, they’re all just that, stories. They answer the tough questions by either making only the one who was changed aware of it, or they gloss over all of the details that really screw with you.
Legally, I no longer existed. Well, I should say that Bill Carson no longer existed. I might have grown up male, but who would believe me if I said it. I had a thought which a quick look into my boxers resolved.
I was, or all intents and purposes female.
“This could be a good thing,” I said quietly.
“How is this good? I wanted to have more children.”
Sam was crying and I wrapped her in my arms. It was a new experience hugging someone and having my breasts pancaked between us. Sam noticed as well and pulled away.
“We’ll get through this,” I said even though the words sounded hollow even to me.
“How? Do you even still have a job?”
“I don’t know, but I need to get ready.”
I took a quick shower and then washed my hair. I wasn’t used to having this much hair yet and unfortunately I didn’t think about how much longer it would take to wash and rinse it. I was just getting out of the shower and drying off my hair with a towel, as I was used to doing, when Sam came in with some bits of cloth in her hand.
“What’s this?”
“You need some support.” she said and walked out. It was one of her sport’s bras and I slipped it on. She was narrower in the chest than I was, but the garment fit. You could still tell that I had breasts, but they were definitely minimized.
I slipped on a clean pair of boxers and then got one of my shirts and a pair of my shorts. At the time I wore sandals, so I just made the strap tighter and they remained in place, mostly. I grabbed my lanyard and ran out the door to where my wife already had the engine running on the car.
We drove to work in silence and my nervousness only increased. Just before I got out she wordlessly handed me a scrunchie. I put my hair up in a high ponytail as I walked.
One of the things I’ve noticed in the past is that as long as you look and act like you belong, no one will question you. I slipped into my seat at my desk and logged into my computer. I had everything pulled up and I was signed into the phones before my supervisor walked up behind me.
“Welcome back,” he said from behind me.
“Thanks,” I grumbled.
“Not fully over it. I guess?”
“I’m a bit hoarse, I think,” I said.
“What’s with the hair?” he asked.
Of all the times that I really just wanted him to walk on, he had to stay here behind me.
“Um...I’m going through transition.”
“What?”
I turn around and look at him in the eye, “I’m transgendered. I’m going to start coming to work dressed as the woman I feel I am.”
“Ok, just make sure it doesn’t interfere with your work.”
That was it. He walked back over to his desk and I began working. The phone system was turned on shortly after that and I began taking phone calls, like I normally do. My job was fun, or at least I thought it was. Of course I got a lot of really weird, or I should say understandable, responses to my name.
“Thanks for calling BigWeb, my name is Bill. How can I help you?”
“Did you say Jill?”
“Sure. How can I help you?”
Apparently my voice sounded feminine. So much so that they supplied a name that, to them, fit. Since I was feminine, now at least, I accepted it and moved on. This seemed to happen on call after call, and my confidence grew as the day progressed.
“Bill, could you put your phone in meeting mode and meet me in HR.”
“Is something wrong?”
My supervisor just looked at me and I followed him to the back of the call center where the offices were.
“You’re not in trouble, I just wanted you to know that.”
“Doesn’t feel like I’m not in trouble,” I said with a smile.
He looked at me and then did a double take.
“If I hadn’t been listening to you all day…”
“What?” I said worried.
“You look really different.”
“I lost about a hundred pounds, I think, with that illness.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“It just made me re-evaluate some things in my life. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I figured that there was no time like the present.”
“Well, I have to say that if I didn’t know, and I just met you on the street, that I would never be able to tell that you weren’t a normal female.”
I scowled at him, even though inside I was bouncing around in a happy dance.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. You’re the first person like you I’ve ever met.”
“Are you sure?” I asked with a smirk.
“Well, no, I can’t be sure,” he said after a moment or two looking me up and down.
We got to HR and he held the door for me. I walked in and smiled at the strict looking woman behind the desk. My supervisor walked in behind me. “What’s going on here, Troy?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I wanted you to bring that tranny-freak in here so I could go over the corporate policy with him.”
I began to scowl at the woman, shooting dagger at her with my eyes. Troy just began to laugh.
“This isn’t a joke, Troy. We take this policy very seriously here.”
“Oh, I imagine you do...Sylvia” I said after a quick glance at the name plaque on her desk. My words dripped with saccharine sweetness.
“And you are?” she said turning to me.
“Why, I’m the tranny-freak,” I said with a little smile on my face, “and I’d love to hear about the equal opportunity policy that you want to share with me.” My smile was genuine now and I watched as her face went grey.
“I didn’t mean…”
“So, what is this policy where you can berate me behind my back?” I said, my smile faded and I was glaring at the woman now.
“I’m sorry Mr. Carson…”
“Mrs,” I say and there is liquid nitrogen in my voice now.
“What?”
“I’m a married woman. By definition that makes me Mrs.”
Her mouth is open and she closes it with a snap. “but…”
“My wife is listed as a dependant on my accounts.”
“So you’re a lesbian as well? This day just keeps getting better.”
“Actually, I’m presentationally heterosexual.”
“Excuse me?”
“No, I won’t sorry. Bigotry like yours has no excuse.”
“Bill, I don’t think…”
“No, no, let him speak,” she said with a gleam in her eyes now.
“Do you have a boss, Sylvia?”
“You know it’s Frank.”
“Would you mind calling him in here?”
She glared at me again and I smiled and leaned against the wall and waited. She uttered a few terse phrases into the phone and then we waited in a buzzing silence for Frank Harrison to come join us.
“Hey Troy, Bill, Sylvia. What’s up?”
“Hello, Frank,” I said with a warm smile. He did a double take and then a broad grin appeared on his face. “It’s about time. Come and give me a hug, girl!”
Frank was like that. He was about eighty, and still came in to work because he just loved his work. He sort of acted like a father/grandfather to everyone and anytime there were layoffs he handled them personally. No one ever had to be escorted out by security. People felt more sorry for him having to tell them they were fired than for being fired.
“I knew there was something special about you, girl. For the longest time I thought you were gay, but then I met your wife, and you never struck me as the bi-sexual type.”
“Presentationally Heterosexual all the way, Frank.”
“Better not keep hugging you or you might get ideas,” he said with a smirk. Did I say grandfather? I think I meant dirty uncle.
He was joking, though, and I knew it. Sylvia was glaring at me the whole time.
“Frank, I wanted you here as a witness. Apparently Sylvia feels that it is fine to be bigoted at work.”
I have never seen Frank look so pissed off, and I was glad that he didn’t turn his glare at me. “Is what she’s saying true?”
“You’re taking this out of context. He came in here, looking like that, and heard me say something to Troy. I didn’t know it was him and told troy that it wasn’t funny not to bring the transvestite in with him when I needed to go over policy.”
Frank turned to me, “First, I think it’s a little weird to keep calling you ‘Bill’ when you look like this. Do you have a different name?”
“Cosette,” I said in a small voice.
“You are no small thing, no matter what your name is,” he said with a big smile.
“So, Cosette, is that what she said that prompted you to call her bigoted?”
“Actually, Frank, she called Cosette a ‘tranny-freak’.” Troy said.
“You WHAT!” Frank said, turning on Sylvia so fast that I took a step back.
“Do you have any idea what your comments could mean for this company? Talking about her using male pronouns was bad enough, but to use a pejorative term like that?” He turned and put a forced smile on his face, “Cosette, I’ll talk to you later. Troy.”
We walked out the door and he shut it behind us. He then put down the blinds. We heard him lay into her and quickly beat a retreat. We began to laugh as soon as we were out of earshot. It was more the relIef that we survived than that we found anything about the situation funny. “So, if what I understood is the case, you’re interested in guys when you look like a girl?”
“Basically, yes.”
“You sound like Bill, word choice and all, but it’s as if a girl were speaking the words.”
“Troy, I am a girl, woman, you know what I mean.”
“I do, and I’m glad, about the whole liking guys thing. Would have been a shame if you were a lesbian.” He walked off as soon as he finished, leaving me with quite a few unanswered questions. Unfortunately by this point he was out on the call floor, and I almost felt as if I couldn’t broach the subject with him out there.
I was never this indecisive when I was pretending to be a guy.
“Troy, you know you’re married, right?”
“Sure, but so are you. It makes you sort of safe.”
“Troy, I’m not safe at all. I’m married to a woman who is decidedly heterosexual.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It means that I’m likely not going to remain married, and while I might not be bothered by your attentions, I’m sure your wife would have a problem with it.”
Troy laughed and walked back to his desk. I was just sitting down when I noticed an email in my inbox asking me to come back and talk to Sylvia and Frank again.
I got up and went back to the office. The door was open again and I walked in.
“Have a seat, Colette.”
I sat down and looked at the two other people in the room. Sylvia refused to meet my gaze.
“First off, just to let you know, you need to be under the care of a registered therapist of some sort,” Frank began.
“Um...I don’t have a therapist.”
“That’s what I was a bit afraid of. The company wants to protect itself from frivolous action, but it wants to also provide a safe environment for everyone, no matter their background or beliefs.”
“So, what do I do?”
“The company will put you on unpaid leave for the next week. If you can bring in documentation that you’re under a doctor’s care in that time frame, then we can work with you.”
“What if I can’t?”
“Then you give up this foolishness and stop pretending to be something you’re not,” Sylvia said with a sneer.
There was something that was certain. If I wasn’t able to bring the company what it needed in the next week, I would be personally suing Sylvia. If it were left to Frank, I felt there might be a chance of him giving me some leniency, but with her there…
“I believe that mental health is covered under our insurance?”
“It is, actually,” Frank said with a smile.
“I’ll need a list of the therapists in network and I’ll get working on getting this resolved.” I grabbed my phone from my desk, logged out of the systems and called my wife to pick me up. It was only while I was waiting there for her to arrive that something occurred to me: I was going to have to convince a therapist that I was a man transitioning into a woman when I was actually a man who had somehow spontaneously transformed into a woman.
“Now what am I going to do?” I said to myself quietly.
This isn’t my first marriage.
I was married before to someone who cheated on me. I’m not going to delve into blame, because even when someone cheats on you, there is at least a portion of blame to be assigned to you. Ok, there is usually a portion of the blame that you should accept.
I was an angry person. Not one who took it out on others…
Ok, so it’s truth time. I was a screamer. I yelled at inanimate objects. People, not so much, but it did occasionally happen. There was no physical component to any of this, but even so it was unacceptable.
So, she sought comfort in the arms of another. Even when I found out, I forgave her. I’m that sort of person. She declared we were getting a divorce.
Here is the problem: I know that sometimes, when people are unwilling or unable to work through their differences, marriages break up. I would personally be willing to work through my differences, because that is who I am, but there was a major and insurmountable difference that would have caused a serious problem with my marriage: My wife and I were heterosexual.
While I was still presenting as male, that wasn’t an issue. Male and female compatibility. When I became a woman that created a problem. Female and female incompatibility.
I’m not talking here about love. There is a big difference between sex and love. You can love a person all you want, but that doesn’t mean you have a sexual attraction for them. In a perfect world, this wouldn’t be an issue. In a perfect world you would find the person that you were compatible with and everything would just work.
In a perfect world there would be no problems like ‘transgender.’ There would be no variance or divergence from the norm because everything would work right the first time.
We don’t live, and never have done so, in a perfect world. We live in a world where there are outliers and anomalies. There are a multitude of psychological conditions that cause people no end of grief. In this world of imperfection you can’t expect people to be perfect, and neither should you condemn them when they are imperfect.
I love Sam. Unfortunately I truly couldn’t bring myself to make love to her. Maybe if I were drunk enough and aroused enough…
But I would feel guilty and dirty about it afterwards.
There wasn’t a universe in which I was going to keep her in a marriage where she wouldn’t be happy.
She arrived to pick me up. In the back of our car, my daughter Rose was sitting, bouncing as she usually does when she goes to pick up ‘daddy.’
“Daddy?”
“Yes sweety?”
“Why do you look like mommy?”
I look over at Sam with a sort of shrug of my shoulders. What do you tell a five year old?
“Because daddy is a girl now.” I said, as calmly as I could.
“Really?” she said, her eyes getting wide. “You mean we’re all girls now? I love girls!”
Well, there was my daughter for you. When I played video games she always preferred that I play female characters. She got no complaints out of me.
“Bill, should you really say something like that to her?”
“It’s the truth, Sam. What do you want me to tell her?”
She sat there quietly for a minute or two as we drove home, thinking through her response. I leaned my chair back and let Rose play with my hair. It was a lot longer than it used to be and I loved the sensations. Rose loved to play with hair, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if she became a hairdresser when she grew up.
“Bill…”
“Could you call me Cosette?”
“Really? Cosette?”
“Well, I like it, unless you have a better name for me…”
“Why not Andrea?”
I looked over at her and she was grinning at me. “You’re taking this well,” I said a little confused.
“I don’t like this, but this wasn’t some choice you made...was it?”
“No, you know my feelings on this issue. I wanted to remain as I was for you and because my family could never accept me if I were to transition.”
Her face lost its happiness. “What are you going to do about your family?”
“Have a horrific fight I assume,” I said. It wasn’t something I was looking forward to myself. I loved my family. They were the world to me. I’m not just talking about my own family. I loved my in-laws as well.
I had no idea where my in-laws stood on the issue, but I was pretty sure that I knew where my personal family stood. That was a problem for another day. Today I had a problem that was set to destroy me, or at least the me I used to be.
The first issue that I had to find a gender specialist in the midst of all of the people that were on our health insurance plan. From all the other stories that I have read, it seems that gender specialists are a dime a dozen and the main character or someone in their life has an in with them. They get in miraculously quickly, as all of these specialists seem to have completely full schedules, and from there all of their problems are solved.
Like all professionals there are differences between therapists, from how busy they are to how full they keep their schedule.
Since I had no other choice, and no way to narrow the list of almost two hundred people, I began at the top and worked my way down. Every time the conversation went something like this:
“Thank you for calling Dr/Mr/Ms Anyone’s office. How can I help you?”
“Does the doctor/therapist deal with gender issues?”
*click*
Sometimes I got laughter. Sometimes a response of, “oh, you poor dear.” Once I even heard the person on the other end of the line say, “the doctor doesn’t handle deviants like you.” Not once in the first fifty three names did I get anything even approaching understanding. The Fifty fourth name was slightly different.
“We’re not taking new patients,” the woman says and then hangs up the phone.
I called back immediately. “Please, don’t hang up. I understand you’re not taking any new patients, but if you could tell me, do you know of any other therapists in the area who handle gender issues? I’d appreciate it.”
“I’m sorry I was so rude. People can be really insistent sometimes and you’re not the first person to call today thinking they have gender dysphoria. Why would someone who is a beautiful woman like you, or so I assume from your voice, want to become a man? I don’t understand it.”
“I was born William James Carson,” I say quietly.
There’s dead air on the line for almost a full minute. I’m about ready to say something or hang up when I hear a sigh on the other end of the line. “Well, I deserved that. Is it because of how you sound you want to change, or something more?”
“I was born a girl, but the world disagrees with me. There is more, but I’m not sure you’d believe me because I don’t know that I even believe it half the time. The simple truth is that I’d have stayed who I was quite happily if not for a series of events that leaves me no choice. I have to be under the care of a psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist for my gender issues or I lose my job.”
“Why not just go to work as a man?”
“It’s not possible. I wish it were, but it isn’t.”
“Then I’ll see you tonight at five.”
“But, I thought…”
“I don’t claim to be a specialist in gender issues, and apparently I need to work on that. I didn’t consider myself to be a bigoted person, but apparently there is some prejudice in me. I need until five in order to refresh my knowledge on the subject.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but wouldn’t it be better for me to go to someone who specializes in this?”
“Probably, but none of them will see you today.” There was a note of pleading in her voice that I hated to hear. I relented and told Ms. Kelly, last name not first, that I would be there at five.
I tried to lose myself in my games, but nothing would keep my attention for long. The first problem was that wearing silk boxers is ridiculously uncomfortable. The seams bunch up and dig into places that I would have loved to explore but was afraid to touch at the same time. Sensitive areas. Eventually I simply removed the boxers and wore my shorts with nothing on underneath. Not as uncomfortable, but not fully comfortable either.
The second problem was that I was truly worried that I would be walking into another situation like the one I’d had earlier today. I didn’t need to subject myself to any further bullying and I found myself repeatedly picking up the phone and dialing the number only to hang up before it began to ring.
Then, as we got closer to five, I began to fret over my appearance. My wife was allergic to all makeup and my daughter wasn’t really old enough to start playing with it, so we had none in the house, not even lip gloss.
Even if we had, I had no idea how to apply it.
My wife was only 5’3”, so any of her dresses was completely out of the question, not even considering that I had a larger bust than she did. We went through her skirts until we found one that would work. Where it reached her ankles it went just below my knees. It fit well through the hips, though, so I counted my blessings on that one. The main problem, however, was that it was a deep brown. Don’t get me wrong. I love earth tones and they seem to work well with my coloration, which hasn’t changed significantly. It’s just that her tops don’t fit me, and my tops are...masculine.
I pick a green polo shirt and put it on. I’m swimming in it, as it was one of my bigger shirts. I tuck it into the skirt and grab one of my older belts. It is black with silver eyelets in double rows. It literally goes around me twice so I run it just resting on my hips. The shoulders still aren’t quite right, but it looks better than it did. The only problem is that the sandals just don’t go with it. It’s a sort of off-casual look, but the sandals aren’t feminine enough to fit with the rest of the outfit.
“I need shoes,” I say at the same time as Sam says, “those sandals just don’t work.”
We laugh and head out to the car. I might not have enough money to buy a full new wardrobe at the moment, but at least I can buy a cheap pair of shoes. We head to a department store and get shoes and some underwear, including a couple of bras. It might be naughty and sexy to wear a skirt without underwear, but I was glad to have something on down there to separate me from the rest of the world.
I find out that I’m a 40C, which is something you should always know. The fact that my fifty two inch belt wrapped twice around me means my waist is about twenty-five or twenty-six inches.
I stood there looking at myself in the mirror for a long time, taking in my long legs and tight waist. My bust and behind seemed to be balanced, so overall I seemed to be pretty. To get beyond that I would need to wear makeup, but that was a battle for another day.
I didn’t get the full effect of my breasts when I’d been walking around earlier wearing the sport’s bra. It was almost exactly like the fat rolls that I’d had only last week. They moved, sure, but nothing noticeable. Wearing the bra I’d picked out, I could feel them move against the fabric of the shirt.
It wasn’t anything sensuous, but it was a feeling that I’d longed for and something that I’d thought would only be there in my dreams. They were mine. They made me a part of womanhood more than anything else I was wearing, or any other part of my body save that which was covered by my skirt.
I was caught up in my happy thoughts as we drove to the office and parked just a few minutes before five.
“William?” Ms. Kelly said in a little shock upon seeing me.
“Yes, although that name doesn’t seem to fit me, does it.”
“No, it doesn’t. What would you like for me to call you?”
“Cosette,” I said with a grin.
“Well, little one, why don’t you join me in my office.”
We entered the office and I looked around. There were a couple of couches and some chairs. All of them looked comfortable and I quickly sank into one. I lounged in the chair just relaxing into the soft feel of it before I noticed Ms. Kelly staring at my knees.
I quickly sat up and crossed my legs at the knee, something my body would never have been able to do before. I’ve always been flexible, but certain things always got in the way.
“I don’t mean to pry, but you look…”
“Like a woman? That’s because I am, physically.”
“I thought…” she said, looking even more confused.
“Let me begin at the beginning. Here’s my driver’s license. It’s expired, but you’ll see my name there and my picture.”
She looks from one to the other, comparing the little things that I mentioned before. “Either that is one excellent makeup job, or you are the man in this photo.”
“You’re welcome to touch my face if you don’t believe me.”
“No, I take you at your word, for now. I assume that this is the reason that you can’t go back to work without being under my care? You are transitioning?”
“Well, it seems you did your research.”
“I never claimed to be completely ignorant of people in your situation.”
“Ma’am, you’ve never met anyone in my situation.”
“While people always feel like their issues are unique…”
“I could drop my skirt and panties right here for you. I could let you examine me, but all you’d believe is I went and got surgery somewhere. I’ll sign whatever you need me to. Yesterday I was at a doctor’s office where he examined me fully. I was suffering from an illness of some sort. Today I feel more alive than I have in years and I’m a woman.”
“I understood that you always felt you were…”
“I’m not trying to tell you I don’t need help. I probably need it more than if I were to have come in here last week. When I say I’m a woman, though, I mean that for the first time in my life my mind and body are in agreement. Sure, I still have some ticks and behaviours that have been learned over the thirty-eight years I’ve been alive, but I feel...whole.”
She sat there quietly for a moment.
“This isn’t a joke, is it. You’re not trying to trick me?”
“My plan was to never transition, Ms. Kelly. This was something I planned on living with my entire life. I found a partner who could live with my quirks. I never dressed or tried to learn mannerisms that would fit a female persona. I had some, of course, but those were part of me, and things I was unwilling to give up.”
“How can I help you?”
“I’m losing my life and gaining it at the same time. What do I do? My wife is heterosexual, and I’m sure that she’s going to be unhappy to have any further physical relationship with me.”
“Are you a lesbian then?”
“No. I’m attracted to men and women. Whenever I dream, though, I am always the opposite gender of any of my partners. I’ve had some lesbian fantasies, what girl hasn’t, but the mechanics of it are sort of icky to me.”
“Pity,” she said quietly.
I had to laugh.
“Something funny?”
“It seems that you’re the second person to relate that way to me today. The first said it would be a pity if I were a lesbian. You said it was a pity I wasn’t.”
She blushed and I just smiled.
“I’m sorry, but that was inappropriate of me to say. Not even counting the fact that you are a patient, you are married. You want to remain married?”
“Sure, but how can I? I enjoyed my relations with my wife. There’s no way that can continue.”
“Have you asked her this?”
“No, but I know my own wife.”
She walked to the door and opened it, calling Sam to join us.
“Sam, among other things I am a couples counselor, and while I’m sure your husband needs other assistance I thought we’d start today with a couple’s session.”
“She’s not my husband anymore,” Sam said with a little ire and not a little hurt.
“Would you be more comfortable calling her your wife?”
Sam paled and just shook her head.
“Cosette tells me that she is afraid that you won’t be able to have sex with her anymore.” Both Sam and I flinched at her blunt statement.
“I didn’t say it that way, Sam. It’s just I’m not a lesbian.”
“Our daughter would suggest otherwise,” she said with a little venom.
“When I was a man, I could see being with you. That worked for me. I’m not a man anymore.”
“Why can’t we find some way to fix this?”
“I don’t even know what caused it. You never got sick. No one else did. Just me. And now that I’m better, I’m not who I was anymore.”
“You’re happy about this, though, aren’t you? Isn’t this what you always wanted?”
“Yes, but not at your expense. I never wanted this if it meant losing you.”
She came over to me and pushed me back in the seat and kissed me. I melted and passively accepted it. I could tell I was beginning to feel the slightest hint of arousal, but it was only a hint. I was no longer attracted to my wife.
“It wouldn’t work,” she said sadly, “I just don’t feel anything like I used to when we kissed.”
“I know,” I said with a tear rolling down my cheek. “Maybe this isn’t permanent,” I said with a sob threatening to tear itself free from my throat.
“And then what? How could I live with myself knowing that you had this moment of pure happiness given to you where you never asked for it and gave it up for me. I can’t do that to you, Cosette,” Sam was beginning to cry herself and I lost it. She sank into my arms and we cried on each other’s shoulder. I could hear Ms. Kelly sniffling a bit, but I didn’t really care. After a minute or two Sam and I relaxed. She didn’t try to get up and continued to sit on my lap. It was familiar and foreign at the same time.
For the first time in my life a woman was sitting on my lap and it meant nothing to me other than normal physical contact. There was no stirring of interest at all.
“Do you want a divorce?” I said.
“I want my husband back,” she replied to me.
“You know I didn’t ask for this,” I said. Where I might have responded with anger before, now there was only regret and pain.
“I know.”
“I would still be happy if you continued to live in the same house with me. There’s nothing that says we can’t do that is there?”
“What if I get married again? I’m not that old. Or what if you get married?” She said with a small shudder.
“Well, then the guy better accept that I want a place for your and our daughter in my life.”
“You’d tell him you used to be a man?”
“Even though there would be no way he could find out about me through anything on my body that would suggest otherwise, yes I would. I want a relationship with my family and they shouldn’t have to watch what they say around my…husband.” The world sounded so foreign coming from my mouth.
Sam paled a bit as well. I hugged her and she didn’t pull away.
“I’ll miss you,” she said.
“I won’t be gone,” I replied, my tears flowing freely again.
“But you are gone. You don’t even have the same smell anymore. Even when you wore my antiperspirant there was this smell that was distinctly you.”
“You wore her antiperspirant?”
“I preferred the smell. I like to smell like baby powder,” I said and Ms. Kelly laughed.
“Well, there’s nothing to say that you can’t get your own now with the same scent,” Sam said, for the first time truly smiling since we came in here. She climbed off my lap and went to sit in her own chair.
“Well, this is definitely strange,” Ms. Kelly said. “Every once in a while, the man that you were peeks through, like when you showed me your panties,” she said, coloring.
“You definitely seemed mesmerized,” I said with a smirk.
“See, like that. That was a little more masculine than I’d expect. Originally you blushed and covered up, which I assume was your gut reaction?”
I nod at her.
“Ok, I’ll sign what you need me to, but if I’m going to claim you are in my care, then I need you to make regular appointments to see me.”
“Like I said, I want the help.”
“I’ll keep the exact nature of what I’m helping you with to myself. For now, I’ll just let your employer know that I am helping you through your ‘gender issues.’ Will that work?”
“That will be perfect.”
We go back out to the waiting area where I fill out the forms that she requests of me. She then provides me with a carry letter and a second document that I can’t help but gogle at.
“Are you sure?”
“You are a woman, we need to get the ball rolling,” she said with a smile.
The second letter was a declaration that the individual known as William James Carson was in transition and would be changing her name to Cosette Andrea Carson. My wife won out on that one. She couldn’t see calling a grown woman Cosette and planned on calling me Andi. I could live with that.
“Take that to the social security office tomorrow. That should get at least half of your ID issue out of the way.”
“Half of it?”
“When you get your new social through the mail, and we get your birth certificate changed, you can go and get a new driver’s license.”
“It’s that easy?”
“Women get married all the time. The social security administration has policies in place to change your name. That letter should be enough, but if it isn’t then we just need a court order.”
“How will they know…”
“We’re going now to get it notarized for you. Like I said, it’s not a court order, but it should be enough to attest to the change.”
We went to a local UPS store and paid a small fee to get our paper’s notarized. They checked our ID and once more someone scrutinized my face and the one in the image. In the end the boy behind the counter accepted it. It didn’t hurt, I think, that I was shamelessly flirting with him while he examined my photo.
As we were walking out he called out to me, “Miss Carson?”
“Yes?”
“Could I get your phone number?”
“Why?”
“So I could ask you out on a date,” he said as if it were obvious, which likely it should have been.
I laughed, but not at him. It was just a happy sort of a laugh. “I’m thirty-eight, Jason.” I said looking at his name tag.
“Oh,” he said and his smile went away. After a moment or two he shook himself and looked me up and down. There was more of an appraising look than anything overtly sexual and I have to admit that I preened a bit under his gaze.
“So, can I get your phone number?”
“Her number is 555-9102,” Sam said from beside me.
“Sam,” I exclaimed.
“He seems like a nice boy, even if he is ten years younger than you are.”
When we left the store and the door was closed I said, “He probably just wants to have sex with me.”
“Good.”
“What?” I said a little shocked.
“At least one of the two of us will be getting some,” Sam said with a sad little smile.
I just stopped stock still and looked at her.
“Yes, I’m giving you permission to date.”
“But…”
“Andi, you know that I loved Bill more than anything, but you’re not Bill anymore. You are Cosette Andrea Carson. While Bill and I were married, you and I aren’t.”
“Sam,” I said, a cold spot forming in my stomach.
“I’m not kicking you out or anything, and I am happy we’ll still be a part of each other’s lives, but one of the two of us needs a new bed to sleep in.”
I just look at her for a moment or two and then a smile splits my face, “and he was cute, wasn’t he.”
Sam looks at me and then grins herself, “You bet your sweet little ass he was. If he hadn’t asked for your number I might have had to give him mine just on principle.”
“Sam, you just gave him your number.”
“Oh, I did, didn’t I?” she said, grinning even larger. The three of us laughed as we walked back to our cars.
You may be saying that you don’t think poorly of me for the choices that I am making. The problem is that I think poorly of myself. I want to believe that I’m a good person and that I live up to my beliefs. The problem is that as I read the choices that I made for no real good reason other than that I wanted to.
That’s not exactly right either. I know my wife. Sam is the sort of person who has specific goals in life and has a truly strong sense of who she is other people’s perception of her be damned. It’s part of what attracted me to her in the first place. She has aspects of the masculine without being anything other than feminine.
People defy description and don’t really like being put in nice little boxes. As many people who are, that is how many types of people exist in this world. You can make generalities, like this spectrum is ‘male’ and that spectrum is ‘female,’ but if you go beyond that you are asking for trouble.
Something we often do while trying to write literature for or about the transgender community is lessen who we are as people. Not a one of us is anything remotely approaching normal. That’s a good thing. Normal is a statistical anomaly, so by it’s definition is an impossibility in a world made up of real people.
Every one of us could find a description of at least one of our quirks in a text about abnormal psychology.
The problem occurs when you begin to try and create a baseline about what is a ‘normal’ girl and then force yourself into that mold so society will accept you.
Oh, god. I’m ranting again. You don’t need me to tell you who you are. You already know.
You know what just occurred to me? I think the reason we are afraid of being ‘found out’ is equal parts fear for our own safety from the bigots in the world and the fact that we are basically decent individuals.
A lie of omission is still a lie, and it rankles in the soul that to a certain degree we feel ourselves to be dishonest in our presentation if we don’t tell everyone our big secret. Guess what? Your big secret is that you’ve always been a girl. Accept it, believe it, and move on with my blessing, for whatever it’s worth.
Admittedly you don’t know me, save from the inadequate text that I here write. But you do know me, because I am you. We are all of us a little messed up here, to truly butcher a nice quote for Lewis Carol.
True to her word, Sam moved out into another room in our home. We had a guest room which she transferred her clothing to. That first night alone I had a horrible time getting to sleep. I was lonely. I knew that there would be nothing even resembling sex, but it wasn’t about the sex. I wanted my wife there with me. I loved this woman so much at this moment, even more so because she was in another room, giving both of us space in which to move on in our lives.
That night I cried for the first time since becoming a woman. I mourned the death of Bill Carson. As much as I was still alive I knew that he was dead. It may sound a bit like dissociative identity disorder when I say it that way, but it isn’t. The person you are today is not the same person you were when you were fifteen. Were you to travel back in your own timeline, people would notice a difference.
So I cried for someone I knew so well, someone I would never meet again, even if there is a life after this one. I cried because I was losing the future that I’d imagined for myself growing old with Sam. I cried for the children we wouldn’t have. I cried because deep inside I hoped that now I would be able to bear children, and it felt like a betrayal of Sam to even think it.
I cried because I would never get a daddy daughter dance, or get the father’s dance when she got married.
Here I was being given everything that I’d ever wanted on a silver platter, and the only things I thought about were the things I was losing, nothing that I would be gaining. Unfortunately, that was the black mood that I was in that night, and I cried myself to sleep.
The next morning dawned before the sun arose, and once again I was up and getting ready for work. This time, I would go in prepared as I now had my carry letter, something I had to laugh at. A strip search would be equal to the task, but I needed to maintain the illusion for now. Eventually I’d just admit to being physically female, but I needed time, and I could get a nice 3 or 4 week paid medical leave out of it in about a year. Not that it was a real consideration in what I was doing, but the thought did cross my mind.
I made sure not to get my hair wet this morning, remembering the problems from yesterday. Having limited options I slipped back into the Skirt and top and my new ballet flats from yesterday but with clean underwear. I grabbed my lanyard and a scrunchie and headed out the door so Sam could drive me in to work again. She liked to have the card during the day and who was I to deny her. I dropped the note off at Troy’s desk and headed to my own where I began another scintillating day of supporting people’s web sites.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job, but it can be grating at times. And while I didn’t feel like wanting to bite everyone’s heads off like normal, I got to see the other side of the coin where I got talked down to because I was a woman in a “man’s” job. Since my anger wasn’t as close to the surface as it had been, I used my wit to my advantage and soothed the male ego at the same time as I insulted them. You know how it goes:
“So, my Sprocket isn’t working any more. It did yesterday, but it doesn’t today.”
“Did you make any changes to the site in the last twenty four hours?”
“No, it just stopped working. It must be the crappy server you have me on.” Ok, they are usually more descriptive and insulting, but this is basically what they’re saying. Of course, when I asked them if they’d made any changes, that was a courtesy, since I can look at the time stamps for the files as easily as the next girl.
“The file problem.html seems…”
“Can you just transfer me to a higher ranked individual? I’m sure you’re good at what you do, but I don’t need tier I support. I need a specialist.”
“Oh, I see. So being the expert that you are, I’m sure you notice that you commented out all of the code related to your Sprocket? And I’m sure that you already tried removing it like I just did for you, because you of course are better informed than I am. Here, let me transfer you as requested.”
“Oh, it’s working now.”
“Really, it’s no bother if you still want to talk to that specialist. It really sounds like you have a difficult problem here.”
“Thank you for your time.”
Now, just reading the words, you realize how biting they are. Said in the right tone of voice, however, with just enough sweetness and they don’t realize how much I insulted them.
I got a lot of practice that first day.
On a high note they took me to security about noon and I got a new ID badge. It was my first piece of ID with my new name on it and I have to admit I teared up a little. When I got back Troy walked up to me.
“Take this back to Frank’s office. He’s waiting for you,” he said, handing me my doctor’s letter.
I smiled at him and headed back to Frank’s office.
“Welcome back, Cosette. You have something for me?”
“Yes, I do,” I said. I handed the letter to him and then took a seat. I made sure to keep my knees together this time. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I’d always been one to simply plop into a chair with no consideration to how I looked or how I was sitting. Now, however, I cared how I looked. For the first time in my life I was who I believe I should have been from the beginning and it mattered to me how people perceived me.
“Well, I have to say that you look much more the part today,” Frank said.
“Thank you,” I said with a little smile.
“So, you’re sure this is something you want to do?”
“Frank, this has nothing to do with desire. This isn’t about what I want or even need. This is simply about who I am.” He looked at me with confusion suffusing his features so I continued, “My mind has never agreed with anyone else where my gender is concerned. When I was born, a doctor took one look at the surface and declared, ‘it’s a boy.’ When I first began to understand what that meant, I started to realize there was something wrong with me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Most people don’t. Most people in this world have a synergy between their body and their mind. Your mind says ‘I am male,’ and your body says, ‘yup.’” He just looked at me for a moment, but he didn’t add anything so I again continued, “This is who I am, who I’ve always been. This is who I should have been from the beginning, how I should have grown up.”
“But your wife, how does that work.”
I looked at him sadly, “It doesn’t work. Part of the reason I waited so long was that I knew I wouldn’t be accepted by my family and also that it would destroy my relationship with my wife.”
“Why did you do it even now?”
“I had no choice,” I said and left it at that. The fewer people I had to tell about my spontaneous gender switch, the better.
“You’ve lost a lot of weight over the past week. Have you been to a doctor yet?”
“Yes, but I think I should go back.”
“Take care of your health, Cosette. Not on company time, of course, but take care of yourself. And thanks for the letter. It was necessary, but still something that I would have liked to have been able to do without.”
“Thank you, Frank.”
I got up to leave and Frank called out to me, “So, have you started dating yet?”
“Frank,” I exclaimed, “You’re old enough to be my father…grandfather actually.”
He blushed, “I wasn’t asking for myself. I was asking for one of my grandkids. He’s a bit younger than you, but I’ve been trying to get him together with a good girl for years now.”
“But, you know…”
“Cosette, you are a good person. I’ve never had a complaint about you, and in fact have heard many complimentary things. In fact the last time lay-offs were discussed both your supervisor and manager said that they didn’t care who they lost as long as it wasn’t you.”
I stood there a bit shocked, sure that he wasn’t supposed to be saying things like this and almost unable to believe it even though he was the one who shared it with me.
“Look, I understand that the physical stuff takes time, but I’m not asking for you to sleep with him. Just go on a date or two when you’re free. It’s all I ask.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Can I give him your number?”
“I’ll think about it,” I said and grinned as I walked out the door.
The rest of the day went without incident, something I was increasingly thankful for. I did, however, call the clinic when I returned to my desk. The same doctor as before would be able to see me that same evening, and had been planning on calling me because there were some issues with my blood work.
I told Sam what was up when I got in the car, and like everything else that had happened recently she took it in stride.
“So, do you think we have time to visit your family before the appointment?”
“I think so, sure,” I said. It felt like the bottom fell out when I said it, but I knew this wasn’t something I could put off forever. We drove south along the freeway and my trepidation increased the further we went.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want,” Sam said.
“I don’t want to do this, but I have to do in anyway. This is my life now, Sam. What other choice do I have?”
“You could always change back…”
“You know there is no surgery that would make me into the man I used to be.”
“You could try. Damn it, Bill, you’re just accepting this as if it is a foregone conclusion.”
“My name isn’t Bill.” I said coldly.
“Fine, Andi, whatever, but you’re just too accepting of all of this.”
I grabbed my breasts and pulled painfully on them, “Is this what you’re talking about, Sam? Is it? This is me. This is my body. This isn’t some costume that I’m putting on for the sick pleasure of it.”
“Fine, but what if it were? What if you’d finally decided to ‘transform’ or whatever it’s called?”
“What if I did? The same hormones that are at work in any woman’s body would have worked on mine. Sure, I might not have gotten the figure I now have, but I would have gotten breasts and lost muscle tone. I would have been a woman either way.”
“How can you say that a mutilation like you’re suggesting would make you a woman?”
“Stop the car.”
“Andi…”
“Stop the car. I’ll walk from here.”
“You can’t be serious. We’re on the freeway.”
“I’m deadly serious, Sam. You don’t have to agree with me or anyone like me, but I will not be insulted like this. Stop the car or I’m getting out right here, right now.”
“We’re traveling at sixty miles an hour…”
I unlocked the door and undid my seatbelt. She quickly pulled the car over to the side of the road and turned off the ignition.
“Don’t go,” she said quietly.
“Why not? I’m an abomination to you.”
“I never said that.”
“Wasn’t it what you were thinking?”
Sam sat there quietly and I opened my door. My shoes really weren’t meant for walking long distances. They were meant to look pretty. They’d have to do.
“I’m sorry. I just feel like I lost my best friend.”
“I’m not gone, Sam. It’s just I’m not your husband anymore. I’m your girlfriend.”
“I have enough girlfriends.”
“You can never have enough girlfriends,” I said with a goofy little smile on my face.
“Why did this have to happen to you?”
“I don’t know, but maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You know I was never as...virile as I could have been.”
“Don’t give me that. I was pregnant more than once.”
She tried to play it off, but I can’t accept that it wasn’t my fault. Sure, she got pregnant, but it was infrequently in the ten years we were married. Some of those pregnancies failed. One came to term, and that was my beautiful daughter Rose.
“Maybe a real man would have been able to…”
“You were my man, Andi.”
“But I’m not a man,” I said, tears threatening to pour out and drench the both of us.
“I know that, Andi. I’ve always known it. I just wished that it weren’t true.”
I began to cry and put my hand on hers in comfort. She laced her fingers through mine. It was truly sad that our fingers seemed to fid better now that I had much more slender hands.
“I wanted the person I loved more than life itself to be the man of my dreams, but what I got was the best friend I could ever ask for.”
“How can you say that? I’m ruining your life.”
“You gave me Rose, something I will always be truly grateful for. Sure, life is changing with this last little mess, but I wouldn’t trade anything for the time we had.”
“I’m sorry, for everything.”
“I’m not. I’m just sorry that you changed.”
We hugged and cried for a minute or two and then continued to drive to my parents’ home. We pulled up in front of the house and I began to shake. I was still shivering as I got out of the car and walked up to my parents’ door. Like normal, we walked in.
“Anyone home,” Sam called out.
“We’re up here,” my mom’s voice called out from her room, “we’ll be down in a moment.”
We sat there next to each other on the couch and waited for my parents to come down.
“Hello, Sam. It’s always nice to see you,” My dad said as he entered the room, “Who’s your friend?”
“Hi, dad.”
He stopped, turned and looked at me, blinked for a moment or two and then just stood there silently. It was even worse than I thought. My mother came into the room in her normal cheerful manner, took one look at me and said, “Get out.”
“Mom…”
“Don’t you ‘mom’ me. I’ve told you in the past that we won’t tolerate any deviant behavior from you.”
“Let me explain,” I said, beginning to cry.
“Get out of my house,” she said with venom.
“Mom, don’t be like this. This isn’t my choice.”
“Of course it is. There’s always a choice for you to make, and we’ll make our choice,” my dad said coldly.
“Dad, say something. Don’t do this.”
“I’m not doing anything that you don’t deserve,” he said.
“This isn’t fair,” Sam said. I tried to shush her, but she was having none of it. “Andi didn’t do anything wrong.”
“His name isn’t Andi.”
“Her name is Cosette Andrea Carson. She didn’t do anything other than wake up two days ago as a woman.”
“That doesn’t happen,” My mom said. There was a sneer on her face.
Before anyone else said anything I stripped off my skirt and underwear. “You mean I’m imagining this?” I growled. “Or how about these? Could these have just happened?” I said as I stripped out of my shirt. My dad beat a hasty retreat.
“Put your clothing back on,”
“Why, because I sicken you?”
“Because a lady doesn’t parade around half naked,” She said with a little smirk. I flushed bright red in embarrassment and quickly got myself dressed again.
“Well, the main question now is, are you my son or just someone who happened to look like him.”
“Mom…”
“I know, you act a bit like him, especially your impulsive nakedness.”
“Mom!”
“Sam, did I ever tell you about all of the times I had to chase him down the street because he was running around naked?”
Sam laughed at this and I just hid my face in my hands.
“Knees together...Andi.”
I snapped my knees together and looked through my fingers at my mom, “You called me ‘Andi.’”
“I still don’t know that I accept this...but you are my child. I might still have to disown you…”
“I didn’t choose this, Mom. It just happened.”
“It certainly looks that way, unless you’ve been coming here in a fat suit for months. You look really good, by the way. And you’re beautiful.”
I began to cry and my mom came and sat down next to me and gathered me in her arms. “We can get through this, Andi. Hopefully there will be someway to change you back…”
“What if I don’t want to go back,” I said through my sobs.
“I know you don’t sweety. We don’t get to choose our gender, though.”
“I didn’t choose to be a boy, mom. You know that. I never liked who I had become and it was slowly killing me. Now, maybe I can be happy.”
“With cramps and pregnancy and childbirth? Bloating and hormones and all of that?”
“Especially with all of that. I would consider it a miracle to be able to give birth, mom.”
“I always considered it one myself,” she said quietly as she just hugged me. “But that’s not for you,” she said, sadly.
“It wasn’t for me. I don’t know if this is even permanent, or some strange temporary thing. If it is permanent, though…”
“Oh, Honey. I hope for your sake it isn’t.”
“Mom…”
“Hear me out. Life is difficult enough, man or woman, that you don’t need to add other people’s prejudice into it. It is going to be difficult for you at church after this.”
I just looked at her and she smiled sadly at me. We discussed the changes that there would be for me there. I know many in my audience are uncomfortable with religion in general, so I’ll not bore you with the details. Anyone who is interested could talk to my friend Faeriemage, but for me, for now, I knew before what it would entail, and it was never part of the reasoning why I wasn’t transitioning.
The short form of this is that in my faith the men and women segregate for the last block of meetings on Sunday. The men talk about their responsibilities to the home as the patriarchal head. The men are not in charge, they just preside. The women have a much more social gathering where they provide support to one another and talk about the joy they find in the gospel of Christ.
This was a society that I simply didn’t have the language to interact with, and I would be shown as an outsider. It would be like being a new convert to the church even though I had been born into it. It would also be a great moment to run smack into the difference between ‘love the sinner, hate the sin,’ and ‘bigotry united,’ which seems to exist in any organization that has a basis in absolute morality.
My dad eventually joined in the conversation and even replaced my mom on the couch just holding me. We wound down and I just sat there, my head on my dad’s shoulder. I was more comfortable in my own skin at that moment than at any other moment in my life.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Princess.”
“Are you okay with all this,” I asked quietly.
“Not really, Andi, but I can survive. All that matters is that you’re okay with it. You know how we both feel, and you have to make your own decisions. Unfortunately your brothers and sister have to make their decisions as well.”
“I didn’t ask for this,” I said a little hotly.
“I know, but that doesn’t matter. Especially with one of your nephews already having some gender confusion.”
“That was a long time ago. He’s grown out of his wish to dress up as a princess for Halloween.”
“Has he? Have you?”
“Dad...I never wanted to dress up as a princess.”
“Technically, that’s not true,” my mom said with a smile.
“Oh?” I said, arching an eyebrow at her. I was too comfortable in my father’s arms to do any more than that.
“Yep. Wonder Woman was an amazonian princess before she came to live with the mortals,” she said with a straight face. I just giggled a bit at that and Sam and my dad laughed. Eventually my mom joined in on the laughter.
“You wanted to be Wonder Woman for halloween?”
“Or Bat Girl. I wasn’t really particular. I ended up as Batman.”
“You seemed to enjoy it,” my mom said. She was referring to the smile that I had on my face in the picture that she still had of me and my two brother’s in our gotham crime fighter outfits.
“That’s only because in my mind I was really Bat Girl. She has a similar outfit to Batman’s”
“You little minx,” my mom said in shock and we all laughed again.
She got out the album with the image in it and looked at it again. “I can see it. All we would have needed was to give you a wig and you could have been Bat Girl.”
“I still would have preferred Wonder Woman,” I said with a mock pout.
“Then we can do it this year,” my father said.
“What?” my mom and I said at the same time.
“It’s just a couple of months away. that is more than enough time for your mom to make a costume for you.”
“Do you even have the time, mom?” I asked. She’d been subtly shaking her head no, but dad, like normal, had missed it. I was trying to give her an out.
“It’s not a problem,” she said with a false smile.
“No, don’t worry about it, I’ll do something else,” I said in reply, no smile on my face.
“Beth, you can do this, I know you have enough time over the next two months,” my dad said, and I wanted to hide. My parents occasionally have had epic arguments that would make WWI look like a little border skirmish. They drew up their battle lines and they would feud for months as neither would back down from their position. They would have their battles during this time where one or the other would declare a temporary victory.
There wasn’t going to be one over me now.
“I could be a boy again before that. We really don’t know.”
“If it is going to be this once, and never again, then you deserve the opportunity to actually spend halloween as the person you chose, and I have to say that Wonder Woman is an excellent choice.”
“You would know. You watched it on TV with me.”
“But, Bill…”
“Our son deserves to be beautiful once. And if she’s still our daughter she deserves to have been able to go as Wonder Woman at least once.”
“Mom, think about it. I’m not going to be outgrowing this. If I stay a girl, then I will be able to wear it more than just the once.”
My mom stood there for a few minutes, thinking. I held my breath. I hoped with with some well placed shots of logic I might have headed off the war before it could get a full head of steam. For now, the only thing we could do was wait for my mom to come to a decision.
“Well, let’s get you upstairs and get some measurements.”
I got up and did a little happy dance and then followed my mom upstairs.
“Ok, Strip. Leave on your underwear, but take everything else off.”
I did as instructed and she began to measure. She got my leg length as well as arm length.
“Mom, she wears a glorified swimsuit.”
“Oh, I know that, honey. The other measurements are for you. You need to know your measurements as a girl. It will help you to find clothing that actually fits.”
“but isn’t girl’s clothing in arcane measurements that mean nothing regarding shape and so on?”
“Mostly, yes, of course it is. But those sizes have relations to hip and waist and leg length. Using your measurements you can quickly approximate your size. You’ll still need to try clothing on, but it should be easier to find the right selection.”
My mom sat there for a moment on the edge of her bed as I started to get dressed. “Are you sure about this?” my mom said. She was looking at her hands as she worried at the tape measure.
“I’m sure that you’ll make a wonderful costume. You’ve made so many for me in the past…”
“No, not that. With your figure you’d be beautiful in a paper bag...or a burlap sack. I’m seriously considering putting you in a fully covering costume of burlap.”
“I’ll be ok, mom. I promise.”
“I know you will. That’s what worries me. You’ve come alive for the first time in years. I caught glimpses of this person when you were first in love with someone, or you found a new hobby, but it never lasted. I’m afraid…”
“That this too shall pass?” I said with a small lopsided grin. My mother always loved my lopsided grins. They weren’t as natural with my new symmetric face, but I remembered what they felt like.
“How can you be sure that you want this more than being a boy?”
“Mom, I have dreamed so many dreams in which I was changed from a boy into a girl. I had these dreams long before I even realized that I was transgendered. You know what I always felt when this happened in these dreams?”
She shook her head as her tears began to fall and I went to sit next to her.
“It wasn’t happiness, or pleasure or even joy. It was something far more...sublime than that. I simply felt at peace. Some of the methods I dreamed up were painful or scary or both, but in the end, when I was changed, I felt at peace.”
“And what do you feel now?” she said as she put an arm across my shoulders.
I leaned my head into her shoulder, which was an accomplishment given our differences in height. “I feel at peace,” I said quietly and just stay there as she cried.
I have a 43” bust. My chest is 38” just under my breasts. My waist is an unhealthy 22”, or so I think myself. My hips are only 39” but my narrow waist makes them seem bigger than they are.
I’m going to be wearing a lot of belts, it seems, since my waist would put me into a size 0 and my hips put my into a size 20. My top is only a size 18, though, so I guess I’m not going to find anything off the rack that just...fits. Not a dress anyway. Separates, however, are going to work fine.
I’m of two minds on my waist, all things considered. My waist naturally has the cinched in look that you could only hope to get ‘normally’ though corsetting. I’m sure there must be a problem here, but I can live with it, or so I hope. I’ve always liked the look that a corset gives the female body, and now I would have that look, at least until I got pregnant.
Or until I begin gaining weight.
It was almost enough to give me an eating disorder, or should I say another one. I’d been an overeater for a very long time. I ate as a stress response. I had a number of truly stressful situations in my life. Divorce, job loss, miscarriage, and many of the other little troubles that life throws at you I have drowned in food.
It’s true that I haven’t had the same desire to eat that I did before all of this. My portion sizes were smaller than they had been and I filled up much faster than I had. There was no need for me to force the issue, so I didn’t.
When my mother was cried out and fixed what little makeup she wore I went downstairs to gather Sam and get to my doctor’s appointment. It wasn’t that I wanted to go anywhere, but I had responsibilities and figuring out what was going on with my health was one of them.
We arrived at the clinic without any further mishaps, by which I mean no further fights. We signed in at the desk and went to wait in the comfortable waiting room. One thing can be said about smaller clinics over hospitals or large corporate clinics: they leave the industrial chic behind and actually apply interior design to their waiting rooms.
The chairs were in a brown leatherette that you sank into when you sat down. There were couches on either end of the room and individual chairs along both of the longer walls. The magazines were still out of date, but at least they were only two months old.
I sat down and tried to read a Glamour, but quickly realized I wouldn’t ever be ‘that girl’ and settled for a People instead. I would never pick up one of the magazines on my own, but I have to admit that they were the best of the options available on the table. I wouldn’t have been caught dead reading a Sport’s Illustrated when I was a guy and had even less reason now and I’d never even thought about being interested in Fish & Stream.
It should be obvious that I am way too old for Highlights.
Sorry, when I am nervous I ramble, and I was nervous sitting there in that room. People came and were seated and others were called back. We waited while I idly flipped through the magazine, barely registering that it was in my hands.
“Bill Carson?”
I got up and walked over to where the nurse was standing.
“May I help you?”
“I’m Bill Carson,” I said with distaste. I tried to keep it out of my voice, but it was there. Already I was thinking of myself as Cosette Carson, and telling people that I was bill was a bit galling.
“You’re Bill Carson?”
I fished my ID out of the old purse I was borrowing from Sam and showed it to her. She examined it, once again, and then handed it back to me and blushed a deep red color. I felt a flush beginning to rise in my own cheeks as I’m sure other people in the room were staring at me, making their own assumptions about who or what I was.
Unfortunately they were at least half right so I had no grounds to fuss them out. I was measured and weighed again and then lead to an exam room to wait again. You’d think that they’d only call you back to a room when a doctor was actually ready for you, but it seems they get you in there as soon as a room is open.
It was only about a minute and a half before the nurse returned and took my vitals. She then proceeded to take a couple of vials of blood.
“What is this for?”
“There are some anomalies in your blood work and we wanted to get enough of a sample to make sure that we aren’t making mistakes.”
“What sort of anomalies?”
“It’s really not my place to say, Mr. Carson.”
I looked at her name plate before I replied and then pulled out my carry letter, “I am a woman, Jennifer. I would appreciate you treating me as such.”
“Oh, you’re one of those,” she said with a sneer.
“I’d prefer a different nurse, please. You’re done.”
“I’ll tell you…”
I just stood up and stared at her. I still had a height advantage, even if I’d lost about five inches of my previous height, and I just looked at her.
There is more to being menacing than having bulky arms or a toned physique. It is how you look at people. It is the look of someone who has seen and inflicted violence and is not afraid to inflict more of it.
I used to get in fights during Middle School. When you have a student population of pre-teens and newly minted teens, they push boundaries. The bullies see who has a weakness and they exploit it. I was a quiet student who kept to himself...usually.
People would push me and slap me around. I didn’t accept that sort of behaviour and I struck back. I never screamed or flailed around. I just economically and quietly began punching people. None of my punches really packed any sort of force, but there were a lot of them and I never stopped until someone pulled me off.
Eventually people realized that I wasn’t someone to pick on.
Nurse Jennifer didn’t need an object lesson. She swallowed and walked out of the room. It was quite a bit longer before someone else entered the room.
“You really shouldn’t be threatening my staff,” the doctor said as he entered with another couple of guys.
“Then they shouldn’t be bigoted,” I said calmly.
“Miss, it doesn’t matter what she said…”
“She called me a man,” I said beginning to get angry.
His mouth opened and closed a couple of times. He grabbed the file from the door and looked at it. I handed him my license and carry letter. His eyes grew wide and then he handed my documentation back to me.
“I’m so sorry Ms. Carson. That never should have happened. In the future simply leave the room and talk to one of the other staff.”
“It’s been a stressful couple of days. I shouldn’t have over reacted.”
“You just started your transition then?” he said looking me up and down.
“In a manner of speaking. I saw a doctor here a couple of days ago. Could I speak to him?”
“Let’s see. That was Dr. Lambert. Yes, I show he is scheduled to see you today. Again, I’m sorry for any hassle the nurse might have put you through.”
“Thank you doctor…”
“Home. I’m Dr. Home.”
I smiled at him and the three men retreated. Dr. Lambert arrived a bit out of breath a few minutes later. “So, Bill…” he began and then he got a good look at me. I have to admit that I never really looked at him before myself.
He was young compared to most of the doctors in the clinic. I quickly glanced at his left hand and didn’t see a ring and my heart did a little flip of joy. He was really good looking and was tall, hopefully taller than me. I caught the direction my thoughts were heading in and gave myself a little shake.
He was a doctor, which means he get’s to see people at their worst. He saw me at my worst.
“This isn’t possible,” he whispered after a moment or two.
“What to check me out and see how possible it is,” I asked and then blushed bright red when I realized what I said.
“I’ll likely need to, Bill.”
“Cosette, please.”
“Cosette?”
I handed him my carry letter and he read it.
“This is dated yesterday.”
“I know.”
“Anything you’ve been taking to achieve this would have to have started before yesterday.”
“Doctor, I need you to do a full examination. You saw me two days ago, you know what you saw. You’ll be able to confirm...things for me.”
“Cosette…”
“Please. I need to know if this is permanent.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ll tell you after your examination.”
He nodded and got me another of the ubiquitous robes. He left while I put it on. I took off all of my underwear, knowing he would need to examine those parts that were covered. I spent the time while waiting for him to return neatly folding my clothing.
He began to reach in to listen to my heart and brushed against my breast and I gasped at the feeling it sent through me. He immediately stopped, took a look at what he’d touched and walked out of the room. I was confused until he returned with a female nurse.
She seemed to be there as a chaperone as Dr. Lambert did the rest of the exam himself. I was completely embarrassed at all of my reactions afterward. I felt like crying.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“It didn’t hurt. That was the problem,” I said miserably and the nurse snickered. “this isn’t funny,” I said through a couple of tears.
“Haven’t you ever had a female exam before,” the nurse asked with a grinning smile.
“She’s only been female for about two days,” Dr. Lambert said coming to my defense.
The nurses eyes got huge and she looked at me again. “He...she had surgery two days ago? Where? How?”
“This was without surgery. That’s why she’s here, correct?” he said turning to me for confirmation. I nodded and he continued, “Get dressed and I’ll be back in here to discuss the results.”
He ushered the nurse out and I quickly got dressed. I was sitting on the chair at the side of the room when he returned.
“That was...remarkable. I’ve never seen anything like that in my life. If I hadn’t examined you two days ago I’d never have believed it.”
I began to feel uncomfortable again as he talked about his examination. When I began to examine my feelings I realized that I wasn’t uncomfortable per se...I was becoming aroused. I kept having images of his hands touching and entering me flash through my head. My breath became a little short and he moved over next to me, “Are you ok?”
“I need you to back up a bit,” I said, staring up into his eyes. My breathing stopped completely and I just waited for him to do something, anything. Kiss me I thought, but my mouth wouldn’t form the words.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he replied and backed up a bit.
“It’s just that…”
“You find doctors and exams stimulating. You’re not the first person I’ve had in here with a medical fetish…”
“What…”
“I could tell you were aroused.”
I rolled my eyes as he smiled at me. I hopped up from the chair and walked over to him. He backed up until he reached the wall. I kept going until I was within inches of him. I could feel his heat radiating from his body and I could feel my arrousal growing again.
“It wasn’t the idea that you were a doctor that had me interested.” I said in a low husky voice.
“It wasn’t?” I could hear his breath catch in his throat.
“It was all you personally. The thought of you...touching me,” I could barely get the words out. I felt a sort of explosion in my stomach and I got really warm all over. I stared into his eyes for a moment or two longer and then went and sat down.
“That has got to be horrible for my health,” I said as I tried to calm my raging hormones. I felt like a teenager all over again, only with less self control.
“Excuse me?”
“To be blunt, I would love nothing more than for you to bend me over this table and...well you get the idea.”
His knees gave out a bit and he hurriedly sat down.
“Sorry, I’ve never had this strong a reaction to anyone I’ve ever met,” I say with a shy smile. I wonder how this guy is coping with all the mixed signals I am giving out. My old self would have been growling in frustration by this point.
“For the sanity of the male population of the planet I’m going to do something that I would never have thought possible. I’m going to prescribe…”
I caught on to what he was saying and stamped over to him and got in his face, “Dont you dare tell me you are going to prescribe toys for me.” I said while a little voice in my head was going ‘yay, he’s at least six inches taller than me. I can wear heels.’
I had to fight to keep the smile from my face because I was upset that he would think a bit of plastic or rubber could replace human contact.
“I thought I was helping…”
“What is your first name?”
“Huh?”
“Your first name,” I said impatiently, a small smile playing across my lips.
“Why do you need my first name?”
“Because, doctor, I’m not having this argument with you and using a title.”
“Oh...um...is this wise?”
“You’re the one who made it personal by thinking to prescribe...toys,” I said with a lopsided grin. This one was easier than the one that I gave my mom. Maybe practice makes perfect.
“Thomas.”
“Tom, I like you. You’re the first man who has ever made me feel this way. Sometimes, fantasising I was a woman, I would be attracted to...well images,” I said and blushed to the roots of my hair. “You’re the first guy who has...gotten my engine running from a standing start.”
“You’re not really good at this are you,” he said grinning at me.
I punched him on the arm lightly. “That’s not helping,” I said smiling at him. “It’s embarrassing having a conversation like this.”
He just smiled and nodded once at me.
I went and sat back down again because I realized how close we’d gotten again. It felt like he was putting out some sort of gravitational force and I was caught up in his orbit. It scared me to think that anyone could have this sort of effect on me, but it was strangely liberating at the same time. He’d never outright rejected me and he hadn’t run screaming from the room.
“Ms. Carson…”
“I’m calling you Tom right now, the lease you could do is call me Cosette...or Andrea...Andi if you like...I’m babbling,” I said and sat down tilting my head forward. A cascade of hair flowed over my shoulders and settled in front of my face. It was safe and comfortable in here.
He brushed the hair out of my face and lay and hand on my shoulder.
“Cosette, I shouldn’t be doing this. It is unprofessional.”
I just stared up into his eyes and leaned into his hand. “I don’t care,” I said softly. “As long as you aren’t married and don’t have a girlfriend what is the problem? Wait, you’re not gay are you.”
“Apparently not,” he said with a small smile. “Cosette, I’m your doctor…”
“You don’t have to be,” I said softly and kissed his palm.
He sat up and walked to the other side of the room. “Please, let me speak. You are the only person I have ever been attracted to.”
“Ever?” I said with a bit of wonder in my voice.
“Ever,” he said with a kind smile. “I don’t know what this means. I don’t...do this sort of thing. I don’t want you getting hurt.”
“Relationships are messy, Tom. It is the nature of the beast. I’m fine with that.”
“What if I’m not?”
“How can you say that if you’ve never…”
“Not that part. I couldn’t see myself hurting you.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I’ve never liked seeing people hurt. It’s why I became a doctor. I wanted to be able to fix the hurts that people feel. I became an ObGyn to help bring life into this world.”
“What are you trying to tell me?”
“I’m trying to say that I don’t want to be the cause of any sort of pain in your life. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been able to relax enough, let down my guard enough, to realize I could be attracted to someone.”
“You’ve never dated?”
“Not really. A couple of dates in high school, but you’re not hearing me.”
“Oh, I listened to you. You’re saying you don’t want to hurt me, so that’s fine by me. It just means that you have to learn the two most important words my grandfather told me before I got married.”
He laughed and said, “What were the two most important words your grandfather told you?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Now, do you think that we can at least give this a try?” I said.
He didn’t immediately answer. He stood silently on the other side of the room, staring at a point in space. It must have been a full minute that he stared at the floor while I just watched him. I noticed a smile play across his lips for a moment and then he really looked at me for the first time. I was lost in the depths of his green eyes as he walked over to me. He took my hand, never once breaking my gaze, and brought it up to his lips.
“Yes, dear,” he said just before he kissed it.
My knees buckled and I quickly sat down. A wave passed through me at the barest touch of his lips and took my breath away.
“Are you alright?”
“Yes...but we need to wait a while before we try something like that again.”
“I just kissed your hand,” he said a little concerned.
“Exactly,” I said a little breathlessly and he chuckled.
He turned to leave. “Where are you going?”
“To get you a doctor who isn’t going to want to...do things.” He chuckled and I giggled along with him.
He left and I took that opportunity to get my breathing under control. It took him almost ten minutes to return. I was beginning to worry about Sam and what she would be thinking in the waiting room.
A female doctor entered the room and began to speak, but I lost everything she said as soon as I caught sight of Tom again. I began to blush when I realized what I was doing and looked at the female doctor.
“I can see why you decided to pass this one off to me,” the woman said with a smirk.
“Actually, this time it’s mutual. You know me, I can handle the unrequited lust of any woman under my care.”
“Don’t you think she’s a little young for you?” she said with a sneer.
“She is thirty-eight years old and can talk for herself,” I said a little coldly.
The woman turned and looked at me examining my face, for what I had no idea and began to get a little uncomfortable and squirmed a bit.
“No...there’s no way...she has to be eighteen, nineteen at the oldest.”
“Didn’t you explain what was going on T...Dr. Lambert?”
“Dear, go ahead and call him Tom. If you’ve finally been able to pierce that stone heart of his more power to you, but if you call me anything other than Dr. Wallace I’ll be truly upset.”
My head spun a bit at the speed of her turn around and Tom laughed. “Dr. Wallace has been pursuing me for years. She figured if she was patient I’d eventually notice.”
Dr. Wallace rolled her eyes and then turned to Tom. “So, Tom, what is this she’s talking about that would explain why she looks so young.”
He proceeded to provide a technical explanation of what he’d observed and measured. He even used my file and showed her the information from my visit two days ago, including the prescription that he gave to me.
“Did you take any of this,” Dr. Waters asked.
“Just the one pill before I went to bed. I woke up looking like this the next day.”
“You poor dear.”
“Why would you say that? This is likely the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“But you’re a woman.”
“Exactly,” I said with an incandescent smile.
She blinked a couple of times and I hand her my carry letter and she laughed. “I see. Only someone who had thought about this beforehand would ever have thought to use a transgender excuse if they spontaneously changed gender.”
“Pretty much. It helped that my appearance didn’t change too much.”
“How will you explain losing five inches?”
“Most people never notice, and it gives me an excuse to wear heels.”
“Now that the preliminaries are done, would you mind stepping outside, Tom?”
“I’ll catch you after you’re done,” he said and left me.
“Well, first of all, this explains some of the strangeness with your blood work. We thought there might have been a mistake, well more than one. The lab mistakenly used your blood when they did a karyotype test. Your blood said it was XX. We wanted to test your blood again as you appeared to be a male and we wanted to make sure.”
“Apparently this change is more than skin deep?”
“So it would seem. Your loss of stature supports that, as well as the other changes in bone structure that you seem to have.”
“Is this permanent?”
“We don’t even know what caused it yet, so we can’t really tell you if it’s permanent. The best I can suggest to you is treat it like it’s permanent but make plans for just in case it’s not.”
I nodded and listened to her suggestions and guidelines. Some of them were obvious, but many were not. She ended up providing a lifetime of female medical advice in a little over thirty minutes.
“And finally, no matter how much he begs, don’t let Tom have sex with you on the first date,” she said at the end.
I blushed and asked, “Why? Is there something I should know?”
“Only that good girls keep their knees together at least until they get a ring.” She said it in such a haughty tone that I couldn’t help but laugh.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that it was me and not you.”
“Why would you say that?” she said in confusion.
“Because I couldn’t stand him on Tuesday. I thought he was haughty and self involved and I would have preferred almost any other doctor today.”
She just blinked at me, “But, now…”
“Oh, you mean the whole sexuality thing? I’m presentationally heterosexual.”
She looked at me as if I’d just spoken another language.
“The people I am attracted to are the opposite gender. If I am presenting myself as a male, I can recognize other men that are good looking, but the idea of the two of us ‘hooking up’ isn’t interesting to me.”
She looked at me confused for a moment or two and then asked, “How did you know you weren’t a lesbian?”
“Voyeuristically it was sexy as hell to see two women together, but the thought of me being one of those women turned me off.”
“But you could see yourself as a woman with a man and vis versa?”
“I have two daughters, what do you think,” I said with a little smile.
She looked at me and then blinked a couple of times, “I thought you might have been pulling my leg about this, but every once in a while, you make a masculine comment. I’d never think anything of it, most of the time, since people are people, but I can see the person you are through your words.”
“Thank you, I think.”
“Be nice to him, ok?”
She made a last couple of notes in the file and then told me to set up an appointment for Friday of next week. They’d likely have enough time to get some lab results back by then and they might have more news.
I walked out to the waiting room to let Sam know what was up and noticed her sitting with a man. I’d never seen him before. Whether Sam had met him before or not, I noticed that she was interested now. He lay his hand on the armrest between their two chairs and she looked shocked. She hesitantly put her hand into his and slowly relaxed back into her chair.
One thing you can say about we Carson women, we certainly move fast. I turned around and ran into Tom who had apparently been standing right behind me.
“Someone you know?”
“My wife...well soon to be ex...well actually she is currently my ex since we’re both women, you know what I mean.”
“Not really, but I’ll take your word for it that it means you’re unattached.”
I just nodded at him.
“Well, let’s go meet your wife then.”
We walked over and Sam pulled her hand away as if it were burned. The man looked a little hurt.
“You didn’t need to do that you know. He’s really cute,” I said with a kind smile.
“I know, but…”
“There are no buts. Sam, this is Tom.”
“Tom, huh,” she said with a knowing smile.
I turned and walked over to the guy who was just looking on wondering what was going on. “Hi, I’m Cosette. I’m Sam’s ex,” I said as I offered my hand.
“Sam’s a l…” he began but I cut him off.
“No, I used to be a man.”
“Um...really. You don’t look it,” he stammered.
“Isn’t he just so sweet,” I said to Sam and she giggled.
“His name’s Brandon,” she said when she stopped giggling.
“Nice to meet you Brandon.”
Brandon looked like he wanted to say something so Sam and I just stared at him for a moment with that patented girl ‘go ahead and ask,’ look. He didn’t take the hint.
“So, how do you do it, Tom, knowing that she was...well a he.”
“Tom, do I look like a guy?”
He turned and looked at me a little sheepish, “Well, no.”
“If I’d never told you, would you be able to guess,”
“No. But you told me...”
“I told you because for some reason some guys feel betrayed when they find out later that you used to be a guy.”
“It’s not like you’re going to have sex with him,” Tom said.
“No, but he will be helping to raise my daughter.”
He nodded to me in concession and I smiled at him.
“I haven’t even asked Sam out yet?”
“The ‘yet’ says it all,” I said and he laughed.
“You’re pretty confident, aren’t you?”
“You should have seen her when we were dating. You remember how you asked me to marry you?”
I got an innocent expression on my face and shook my head.
“Well, this bozo one day says, ‘when we get married, what time of year are you thinking?’”
Tom and Brandon just look at me in shock for a moment or two before before breaking out in laughter.
“What did you answer?” Tom said when he had recovered.
“I’ll have to think about it,” she said with a smile.
“Yeah, she just accepted the premise that we would be getting married,” I said with a little smile.
“We lasted ten years, though, so that’s not nothing,” she responded with a smile. She tossed me the keys to the car.
“I’ll pick up our daughter Rose on the way home.”
“Where are you off to?”
“Well, I thought that Brandon could drive me,” she said as she sat down on the couch. Brandon quickly went and sat next to her. I gave her a thumbs up before turning to Tom.
“Walk me to my car?”
“Of course.”
We left the building and were halfway down the walk before he put his arm around me. I leaned into his embrace. He opened the door to my car and took my hand to help me into my seat.
“Go out with me tonight.”
“That doesn’t sound like a question.”
“It wasn’t.”
“I have nothing to wear.”
“We’ll go somewhere you can wear what you are right now.”
“But, Tom, girls like to wear nice clothing, different clothing, on a date.”
“Fine...would you please go on a date with me tonight? I need to see you again.”
I looked up into his eyes and my breathing stopped again. He leaned into the car and kissed me full on the lips.
“Ok,” I said in a dazed voice.
“You’ll got out with me tonight?”
“No! I have nothing to we…” he kissed me again. I smiled and touched my lips as he pulled back. “Yes…”
“So, seven o’clock?”
I looked up at him, wanting to say no again...but looking into his eyes I couldn’t say no. “Fine. Seven o’clock,” I said in a martyred tone.
He punched the air and I smiled up at him, “you have to make me a promise, though.”
“What’s that,” he said growing serious.
“Kiss me?”
“Always,” he said and he did.
This is not supposed to be a synopsis of the musical, but just to give you a little background.
In the song, the child Cosette sings about a place where people love her, she is allowed to play, and there is enough food to fill her belly. These are the simple dreams of a child with nothing. Of note, these dreams come true, but not in the way that the child assumes.
I picked the imagery because much like that child had a dream that they knew couldn’t come true, so did our protagonist. She was sure she would never be able to stand in the sun and simply be the woman that her soul told her she was and needed to be.
Much like the child our adult Cosette received help from a direction she never expected.
And, truth be told, they were a way to get off. I was human, and unfortunately I had needs that I felt my wife couldn’t meet. I’m ashamed of this part of me, but that is my shame and no reflection on anyone around me.
Tom wasn’t a fantasy. Just thinking about him now I felt stirrings that wouldn’t be pushed down so easily. This wasn’t the same as my fantasies before. I just wanted to be around him. He seemed to make the entire world come alive just by being in it. I felt out of control and I was fine with that.
Truth be told I felt like a teenager again, or as close to one as I could remember. It was like everything boiled down to a single moment in time that could never happen again and Tom was the focal point.
What was wrong with me? Why had all of this happened to me? Why had Tom’s touch affected me so greatly?
I thought back over the day, and realized that it wasn’t just Tom that had caused what had happened. I’d been having the uncomfortable feeling all day long. I’d begun watching the guys at work and I’d felt a glow growing in me as I fantasized, just a little, about what they would be like in bed.
It wasn’t as if I went from zero to sixty just with Tom. My engine had been primed and running all day long as I thought about sex.
When I realized what was going on, I focused on getting myself home, and wondered if I shouldn’t call off my date. I now had a flood of female hormones rushing through my system, but I likely still had a lot of the male hormones as well...and testosterone has been known to increase female sex drive as well as male.
I was a boiling cauldron of hot and ready.
I got in a shower as soon as I got home and turned the water on as cold as I could stand it. I just stood and let the chill seep into my bones. Every so slowly, as my temperature decreased, I could feel my heartrate and breathing return to normal, only at this moment realizing that they had been elevated.
No wonder I had reacted so strongly to Tom. I had been primed and ready for anyone to touch me, and then he had. Sure, it was an accidental touch, but my sex starved body hadn’t cared and it had leapt at the opportunity and kicked everything into overdrive.
The problem remained when I got out of the shower. I was considering taking matters into my own hands when I heard the front door open and little feet come scampering into the house. I wrapped a towel around myself and hurried into my bedroom.
“Nice towel,” Sam said a moment later as she joined me. She was carrying a couple of bags. I looked at the clock and realized I had been standing in the shower for close to three hours. No wonder my legs were a little weak.
“What’s in the bags?”
“Clothing. If not tonight then soon, but that doctor is going to ask you out.”
“How do you know he’s a doctor?”
“White coat and he was in the clinic.”
I felt a little silly for asking the question after she made her matter of fact response. “Brandon drove you shopping?”
“Rose came with us.”
“He seems nice.”
“He was waiting for his sister in the waiting room and we just got to talking. I had to keep telling myself that I wasn’t cheating on you. It was hard. I like him, but it’s so difficult...”
“Moving on from ten years with the same person, especially when you still have a good relationship with them?”
“You don’t seem to have that problem,” she said a little bitterly.
I blushed and looked away, “I think I’m just horny.”
She laughed at me and dropped the bags on the bed, “well, don’t expect me to help you out with that.”
“Would you hate me forever if I invited Tom home with me tonight?”
“Probably not, but is that what you really want?”
“Yes...no...I don’t know. My body says yes, yes, yes but my upbringing tells me that if he’s worth it he’s worth waiting for.”
She wrapped me in a hug and I sat there growing more uncomfortable in my towel. We went through the bags and I was astonished at what was in there. It wasn’t the quantity as there were only a few items but the quality.
“Can we afford this?” I said, not daring to look at the price tags.
“Brandon bought all these. He thought it was a nice gesture.”
I picked up the lacy panties and raised an eyebrow, “You’re new boyfriend helped pick out underwear for me. Doesn’t that seem a little strange to you?”
“When you put it that way, sure, but it was more his sister than him doing the actual picking out.”
I got dressed in the underwear and all of my efforts before with the shower seemed to be for naught. I felt sexy and desirable. The bra was strapless and I wondered for a moment before she pulled out the dress. It was a flowing affair that would leave by shoulders bare. It was sexy without needed to be painted on.
I fell in love with it at first sight and just had to wear it. More that at any time in the past couple of days, when I wore that dress I felt like I was a woman. My lacy underthings told me the same thing. It was...special.
It was as if every stitch of clothing I wore was designed to reinforce who I was underneath it all, and underneath it all I was a woman. Sam worked on my hair as I sat there, working it into a half braid of some sort. I caught a look at myself in the mirror when she was done and all of my careful work in the shower went out the window.
Inside I was still man enough to find my image sexy as hell. It didn’t matter that I know the woman in the mirror was me because that just made it more fun. I knew that I could air my fantasies as reality, and no one would think any less of me for them. Ok, my mom might, but that was a different issue.
I was an adult who could make her own decisions…I took a deep breath and let it all go.
“Sam, I can’t go out tonight.”
“Why not? You’re beautiful.”
“And horny. Really, really horny.”
She laughed at me and I scowled at her, “this isn’t funny.”
“Oh, yes it is. It’s about time the shoe was on the other foot.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your inconsistency. Sometimes you were very very good and I got everything I needed. On the other hand...sometimes I was more worked up after you got done than I was when you started.”
“Sam!”
“It’s true. You really tried, but sometimes you just lost focus.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. I loved making love to you. It was always an adventure even when I didn’t get the big O.”
We chuckled a little bit and I hugged her.
“I don’t have any makeup.”
“You look fine without it. Sure, you could look better, but then all of us can.”
“How can I do this? I don’t want to be ‘that girl.’”
“Then don’t. You have self control. Use it.”
I smiled weakly at her and went out to the living room. Brandon and his sister were arguing about something. It was too quiet for me to hear and they stopped when I came into view.
“Are you twins?” I asked.
“Of a sort,” Brandon said.
“Hush,” his sister said and then she turned to me, “I’m Brandy.”
I blinked a couple of time, “are you sure you aren’t twins?” The looked almost exactly alike. I’d never seen Fraternal twins that looked as close as those two did. They looked as similar as I did to my old pictures of me as a boy.
“Like he said, it’s complicated. Look at you, though, you’re...beautiful,” she said in almost awe.
“Thank you.”
Rose ran out into the room. “Daddy!” she said as she leapt into my arms.
“Hello my little Thorn. How was your day?”
“Great. Louis is picking on me again.” Someone needs to explain the concept of great to her.
“What did he do this time?” I said with a smile. I sat there with her on my lap for a few minutes while I waited for Tom to arrive. She played with my dress as she talked.
“Daddy, can I get a dress like this one?”
“When you’re older, honey.”
“Ok.”
The doorbell rang and Sam went to get it while I extricated myself from my daughter. “I’m going on a date tonight,” I told her.
“Is mommy going with you?”
“No, mommy is staying here.”
“Why not? Why aren’t you going on a date with mommy?”
I saw Tom enter the room and I smiled at him and then turned back toward my daughter. “Honey, I’m a woman now. I can still be your Daddy, but I can’t be mommy’s husband.”
“Why not?” She was starting to cry. “I don’t want you to leave. You left Hannah. I don’t want you to leave me.”
“Baby, I’m not leaving.”
“But you’re going on a date.”
I smiled sadly at her. “I’ll be back later.”
“Mommy, can I stay up til daddy gets home?”
Sam looked at me over Rose’s head and I nodded at her.
“Of course, Rose. You can stay up til Daddy gets home.”
Rose got up and ran over to Sam, doing a little happy dance the entire way.
I got up and floated over to Tom. It’s certain I didn’t walk there. He kissed me on the cheek and hugged me when I arrived.
“You have her home by 10,” Sam said from the other side of the room.
“Don’t you trust me?” Tom said looking deeply into my eyes.
“It’s not that,” I said leaning against him, “it’s that Rose should be in bed sometime tonight and I promised.”
“Well, in that case we need to hurry,” he said and let me go. I waved at Sam and the two of us walked out the door.
We walked out to his car and I stood there nervously as he opened the door for me. Once again he took my hand and helped me in. I sat there looking up at him for a moment before I swung my legs in. He lifted the skirt of my dress out of the way of the door and for a moment his hand rested on my thigh. I closed my eyes and just lived in that moment, relishing the feel of his hand.
I buckled myself in and waited for him to have a seat, watching how he moved. He had a well built body, and I could have watched him for hours. We were on our way almost before I even recognized he had gotten in the car.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” he said with a chuckle, “ and I’ll even allow another free question on top of the one you just offered.”
I stuck my tongue out at him for a moment and then continued, “Do you think all of this is just a little too fast? I know I leapt because I’m ho...attracted to you,” I said blushing, “but why are you going for this?”
“Have you considered that I might be...attracted to you as well?” he said with a devilish grin. Even if it were for just a brief moment, his gaze felt like a caress and I wanted him to stop the car and keep driving and take me home all at the same time.
“You are interesting, Cosette. Mostly I get people in to see me who are sick. I know, so were you a few days ago, but even then your illness wasn’t just another runny nose or yeast infection.” I squirmed a bit at this talk about something that womanhood had to offer that I was going to do my damndest to avoid.
“You had to have been in pain, but you never mentioned it. You went through your symptoms without offering a suggestion.”
“Why would I have made a suggestion? You’re the doctor after all.”
“You’d be surprised. Give someone access to webMD for a couple of hours and they assume they know more about their problems than I do with all my years in medical school.”
“Not to be a jerk, but not everything they look up will be wrong.”
“Playing devil’s advocate, huh? Suppose there are fourteen illnesses all with similar symptoms. Three are common and amount to nothing more than a common cold. Ten are uncommon, but still possible in the socioeconomic strata the person lives. The last is not only rare, but almost impossible to ‘contract’ because it is a genetic illness. Which of these do you think the patient assumes they have?”
“The rare one of course,” I said with a smile.
“Of course. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but it also doesn’t make them right. And it makes them more argumentative when I tell them it’s just a common cold. Now it’s my turn: Why did you go from disliking me on Tuesday to..well...today?”
“I thought you were kind of rude and distant. And I was uncomfortable. And sick. I get irritable when I’m sick.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said with a smile, “but why the turn around?”
“Since the change I’ve been really keyed up. I mean really. I have never been this...aroused before,” I said quietly realizing that the object of my lust was sitting in the same car with me.
“Well, that’s good to know. I’m not sure I could date a nymphomaniac.”
I stuck my tongue out at him again, only this time he grabbed it with his thumb and forefinger. Smiling I took it into my mouth and began to suck on it a little...until I noticed him shift uncomfortably in his seat.
“Oh, god. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” I said.
“Not to worry,” he said a little hoarsely, “no blood no foul.”
“Argh. I like what I’ve seen so far about you, but with this little wanton riding herd in my head all I can think is ‘ridem cowgirl,’”
“Ridem cowgirl?”
“Um..yeah...cowgirl...it’s a sexual position…”
“I know what it is, but that has to be one of the more ridiculous statements I’ve ever heard.”
Looking into his face I realizing he was trying to defuse the situation with laughter, but I could see a little hurt look in his eyes.
“What am I thinking? I’m so sorry. I should never have thought...here I am saying and doing things that would have had me all ready to go before, if a girl said them to me, and then just divorcing you for the conversation.”
“Stop, Cosette. You are a damn sexy woman, but I want more than just sex with anyone.”
“What are you saying,” I ask, a little worried.
“I want a relationship. With you. This is not going to be something sudden or even something easy. Both of us have too much baggage for that. We need time to get used to each other before we even think about having sex.”
I look at him with a little mue of disbelief and he amends his statement, “Ok, without thinking seriously about it.”
“Fine, but can I tell you that I have never wanted anyone more than I want you right now?”
“I know…”
“No, I’m not just talking this whole physical thing that is going on. I never thought I would have anyone, let alone a guy, say something like that to me.”
“You were married for ten years.”
“Yes, I was. And it was work. There were lots of good times, don’t get me wrong, but staying in a relationship takes a willingness to bend.”
“Good thing I’m flexible,” he said with a little grin. I just started at him open mouthed as I considered a couple of positions…
“Bad boy,” I said finally
“No, not really, but I can be dirty.”
“Maybe I’ll have to help you clean up,” I said with a grin of my own.
“This is going to be harder than I thought.”
I closed my mouth before I returned with the obvious response of, ‘I hope so,’ and just grinned at him. Finally I said, “that’s what she said.”
He burst out laughing and a lot of the tension that had been building in the car flew out the windows.
After that the ride went a lot smoother. We talked about who we were and where we’d come from. You know. Normal first date fare. It might initially have been my libido that drove me into his arms, but the longer I remained there the more I realized I really liked this guy.
“Wait, not only are you a doctor, and take care of people at work, but you’re acting as a nurse for your dying mother?”
“Yes,” he said simply.
“I want to visit her, then.”
“What?”
“Look, Tom. I know it must be hard for you to take time away from her. This has to be killing you. I’m asking. This isn’t you volunteering me to meet your mother. Assume for the moment that we’re outside the parameters of the ‘guy code’ and ‘girl code’ take this for what it is: I want you to do something you enjoy, and I want to do it with you.”
We were stopped at a light for the moment so he could just stare at me, the light changed and someone began to honk behind us. He began to drive again and just silently stared at the road.
“Are you sure? A dress like that deserves to be shared.”
“And so do my lacy underthings, but that’s not happening tonight either.” He turned bright red as he digested what I was saying. “And don’t worry. You and your mother will see it.”
I paused watching him get redder and redder before putting him out of his misery. “I mean you are someone and you have seen my dress havent you?”
He laughed in his embarrassment and I just smiled at him.
I took the opportunity to really think about what was happening as I watched the light playing across his face. I realized what I’d disliked about him on Tuesday. Everything else aside, he had been uncomfortable in my presence on Tuesday, and that discomfort had added to my irritation.
“Tom…” I began and then stopped.
“Yes?” he said after a moment or two.
“Why were you so uncomfortable around me on Tuesday?”
He began to fidget a bit and then reached for the radio to turn it on. I reached out and gently grabbed his hand and settled it in my lap. His breathing eased and he simply gripped my hand in his.
“The moment I first saw you, I knew I was lost.”
“I don’t understand.”
“At heart, I am a bit of a romantic, I guess. I always thought that when I met the person I was meant for I would just know. That instantly I would know them on a level beyond mere knowledge.”
“What does that have to do with me?”
He just looked over at me, all of the hurt and pain he was feeling pouring out of him through his eyes.
“Oh,” I said. It was the only thing I could say. He tried to take his hand back but I wasn’t letting him go. “I must seem so shallow to you.”
“No, but I shouldn’t have expected…”
“Hush. Stop right there. I never said that I think you’re a nice boy, or a good guy, or any of the other ‘friend zone’ phrazes of death.”
“No, but…”
“No buts, except for yours which is really nice looking. I have never felt like this before, Tom. I don’t love you. I’m not saying I can’t but I’m a realist enough to know I don’t currently. And will you stop trying to take this hand away from me? It is mine until I relinquish it.”
“Sorry, he said with a little grin.”
“I like you enough to realize that I am willing to try to love you.”
“If you have to work at it…”
“...it’s called a marriage.”
He laughed at that and I admit I smiled myself. He looked so vulnerable, this strong doctor who was trying to let me into his heart, and all I wanted to do was cuddle into his arms and never leave. I didn’t love him, yet, but I could feel the seeds of it already taking root.
“That must have been hard on me when you realized I was a guy.”
“You can’t begin to imagine.”
“Oh, really? I’m Transgendered, Tom. You don’t think I have any understanding of same sex attraction? Really?”
“But, you’re here with me…”
“Ignore the package for a moment and tell me that my old self isn’t screaming away right now saying, ‘this is so gay?’”
He laughed at that and I brought his hand up to my cheek and rubbed it across my jaw.
“Maybe this is who I saw all along?”
“Hmm,” I asked. He’d gently removed his hand from mine and begun caressing my face on his own.
“This beautiful woman sitting beside me.”
“I have no makeup, and no jewelry…”
“Those are the trappings of beauty and not the beauty itself. I told myself, when you were so disgusted with me, that you must have realized I was attracted to you.”
“I never…”
“I know that now, but at the time I thought I’d let my one true chance slip through my fingers because of my own self hate at the idea of being with a man.”
“I’m so sorry that I…”
“You did nothing. You are perfect.”
“I snore.”
“You what?”
“Loudly, or at least I did. I’ve woken up myself snoring I did it so loudly.”
He began to laugh.
“And I chew on my finger nails...when I’m not letting them grow too long. And I…”
“Flaws like these only make you more precious to me and increase my belief that you are perfect.”
My breath caught in my chest and I bit a lip. He pulled over to the side of the road and turned toward me. I was looking into his blue eyes as he got closer and closer and then he was kissing me. Life exploded behind my eyes as we kissed and I could see everything that was being offered the two of us. A happy future and family and everything that I’d ever wanted.
The kiss ended and I was still dazed from this bright vision.
“We’re here.”
“Hmm?” I said in my most articulate mumble.
“My house.”
“Oh,” I said, blushing as he went around to my door and helped me out.
I rose into his embrace and we walked arm in arm into his home.
“Evening, Mom,” Tom called out as we entered the home.
A very handsome older woman sat on the couch reading a kindle. Of all the things that I imagined about his mother, this wasn’t it.
“Surprised,” Tom asked me.
“A little.”
“Oh, has my son been building up his mother the invalid again,”
“A little, Mrs. Lambert,” I said with a smile.
“Julia, please. My, but aren’t you a lovely young one, emphasis on young,” she said looking pointedly at Tom.
“I’m thirty-eight,” I said in my defense.
Suddenly both of them began to laugh and I just looked confused.
“Sorry,” Julia said with a laugh, “I couldn’t help it. You do seem young, but Tom told me about you this afternoon.”
“Nothing bad, I hope?”
She just smiled, and I went and sat next to her when she beckoned me over.
“So, Tom, get us something to drink while I get to know the beautiful young woman who’s captured your heart.”
We began to talk and I found Julia to be pleasant and witty. She reminded me a lot of Tom, what little I knew of the man so far, and I could see where he got his sense of humor. Tom had just returned when I had the worst feeling come over me like there was something wrong. It passed as soon as it came.
“Is something wrong,” Julia asked.
“I don’t know.”
Again, the feeling crept over me, this feeling of dread, and I felt as if the ground were falling out from under me.
“Cosette,” Tom called out to me, a note of worry in his voice.
“Something is wrong,” I said. A wave of dizziness swept over me.
Daddy!
“Rose?” I said, looking around. I knew I heard her, but there was no way she was here.
“What’s going on, Cosette,” Julia said.
There’s something wrong with Mommy. They’re hurting her!
I didn’t know how, or why, but somehow I did know that this wasn’t a hallucination.
“Tom, we have to go home now. Something is terribly wrong.”
We said goodnight to his mother and he helped me into his car before driving almost recklessly fast.
“Hurry,” I said quietly. He just laid on more speed.
Well, the warnings are there. I hope I don't offend too many people.
Most of you, I’m sure will have heard the poem by Frost at least once in your life. If you haven’t you should read it. I’ll wait. No really. I’m not going to say anything here that you will miss while you go read the poem.
While they’re all gone, I just wanted to say that I deplore the waste that the education…
Just kidding. I’ve always wanted to do something like that. This, however, is distracting from my story. The two roads, however, is all about my story.
There are choices that each one of us is given to make in our lives. Do we go left, do we go right. Do we have that extra piece of bacon in the morning or go for the bran muffin instead. Do we stay home or go out. Do we kiss the boy or do we take him up to our room for something else.
Do we were the sneakers or the black pumps. Makeup or no makeup.
Then there are the really tough questions. Am I a boy or a girl? Do I want to continue to live? Should I continue taking birth control while I am sexually active.
To a certain degree, the big decisions are made for us. Who we are is defined by all of the action we take in our lives and those actions define a course that lead us through the big decisions as if they were just another little decision.
We still have a choice, and not matter how small, all of our decisions have consequences.
Some people think that consequences are all bad. Consequences are a neutral term. The problem is that we have been told for years we should be able to make the decision and avoid the consequences. That’s impossible, you see, because all that does is change the consequences.
Whether or not you keep the baby to term and give her up for adoption or keep her you live with those consequences. If you have an abortion, that comes with its own set of consequences.
Even killing yourself has consequences. You may not have to live with them, since you are dead, but all the people around you do. I use live with in the literal sense. If there is a life after this one, then you will have the consequence of suicide continue along with you.
This decision was about none of these. I made a decision to leave Sam alone with people I didn’t know. You can’t protect people all of the time. It just isn’t possible. You are a single individual, and as such are limited in the way that any one individual is limited.
You can only be truly alert for about 16 out of 24 hours. You can only be in one place at any given time. Your mind prioritises input in order to provide you with a meaningful datastream, which unfortunately can result in a phenomena called ‘change blindness.’
No one person can fully protect the life of another from all harm. That doesn’t stop us from feeling guilty when someone we care for is hurt and we think that we could have prevented it from happening in the first place.
I was out of the car even before he came to a complete stop. The first thing I heard was the screaming. Both of my girls were screaming; Rose was screaming in fear and Sam in a mixture of fear and pain.
I was through the door and into the guestroom where Sam had moved without ever even slowing down. Dimly I realized that the door had been locked and I’d actually passed through the remains of the door, but that wasn’t important for now.
A part of my mind was analyzing the two twins even as I launched myself at them. The superficial similarity of the facial features of the Bran twins was limited to their faces. Their bodies were markedly different, from their skin tone to their muscle distribution. Even their skeletal structures were different. Where Brandon was broad shouldered, Brandy had a much narrower build.
It wasn’t just because Brandy was a woman, either, since it was obvious that she hadn’t been born female. She was...pulling out when I burst through the door. The three of them were naked. Sam was tied to the bed and screaming and crying telling them to stop. I kicked him...her...Brandy in the balls as...Brandy was the closest of the two. Brandon made a move for me and I dodged out of the way leaving him holding onto my dress. I continued moving, but he held still. My dress stayed with him.
I’ve never been one to take a slight sitting down. In junior high I would have a tendency to strike out at people who in any way physically assaulted me. I would punch them until they went down or someone pulled me off them.
That same uncontrollable anger swept through me the moment I felt my dress, my brand new dress, tear free of my body. I turned and grabbed a handful of his manhood and yanked for all I was work. I felt something tear and he went down screaming out in pain. Brandy was just getting up, awkwardly and still in obvious pain, when Tom came through the door.
“Call the police,” he yelled, and I complied. I ran from the room and went to my purse, which I’d dropped the moment I entered the door, and called the police. After I called them I went back to see what was happening, as it had grown quiet.
Brandon was still moaning in the corner. Tom was tying Brandy up in the remains of my dress. He looked up at me and stopped what he was doing in shock. Then a slow smile crossed his features and he finished the last knot.
“I guess I did get to see your underwear tonight.”
I looked down and myself and realized I was basically naked and tried to cover myself with my hands.
“Maybe you should go get dressed while we wait for the police.”
“Now, why didn’t I think of that,” i said and then stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed and I went to go get a new outfit. When I returned he had untied Sam and was holding her in his arms as she shook.
“Sam, are you okay?” I asked and immediately regretted it. Of course she wasn’t okay. She’d been raped.
She didn’t respond to me other than to begin to sob into Tom’s shoulder. I went to comfort my daughter who was still screaming in her room. What do you say to a little girl who’s had her entire world upended? Everything’s going to be okay?
How do you say something like that when you don’t even believe it yourself?
The police came and pounded on the door after about fifteen minutes and I went and let them in and lead them to Sam’s room. Rose was holding onto my leg the entire time. I would have carried her, but I was physically weaker than I had been, and I just didn’t have the strength to do so.
The officers called for an ambulance for Brandon and Sam. Sam so she could get an SAE kit taken and her general health ensured and Brandon because I’d actually separated his scrotum from his body a bit, and I might have crushed one of his testicles.
This is me not crying at all.
“Tom, do you need to go?” I asked as the police and EMTs left with their cargo. They’d refused to allow me to ride along. I wasn’t family after all. I couldn’t prove to them I was with the police there. I didn’t want to spend the time to make everyone believe...that and the fact that I was afraid the police would arrest me for using someone else’s ID.
“I’m staying here with you,” Tom said with a nice smile.
“Are you going to be my new Daddy?” Rose asked.
“Only if I’m becoming a Mommy,” I said with a smile.
Tom laughed but Rose just looked at me strangely. She had this look that always cane to her face when she couldn’t understand something. She didn’t ever say she didn’t understand, but that’s what happens when you grow up in a household of adults who treat you just like another adult.
“But, you’re my Daddy.”
“Honey, I know. I was your Daddy. But I’m a girl.”
“And girl’s can’t be Daddies?”
There were so many nuances to that statement, that don’t exactly fit. Unfortunately, sometimes as a parent you have to give your kids the easy answers for right now and hope they learn the rest of it all later.
“Girl are mommies and boys are daddies.”
“But I want you to be my Daddy.”
“Honey, I’m still your Daddy. When you need me to be, I’ll always be your Daddy, but I’m one of your Mommies now.”
“I have two Mommies?” she said, her face splitting into a grin, “just like Hannah?”
“Just like your sister, Hannah...although I think that technically Hanna currently has three Mommies.”
“Hannah?” Tom asked.
“My first daughter,” I said.
“This is so weird,” Tom said, “I’m talking to a woman, a biological woman as far as I can tell, who has fathered children.”
“This is weird for you, huh?” I said with a quirked eyebrow.
“Oh, it’s weird for you as well,” he said taking me into his arms and kiving me a quick kiss on the lips.
“So, are you a new Daddy then,” Rose asked.
“I don’t know yet...”
I just stared at him, the bottom falling out of my stomach. How could he possibly say that? Why did I feel this way? I’d known Tom for less than a week, but it felt as if he’d been part of my life for so much longer. He’d told me that he felt this from the moment he first saw me, but was that what was making me feel I owed him something?
Did that change how I felt just because he poured his soul out to me?
“...because that’s not my decision.”
I blinked and looked over at him. He was smiling at me. No, he can’t possibly be doing this, not now. Not this soon. It wasn’t long enough. I’d waited longer before proposing to my first wife and look how long that lasted. I shook my head slightly and felt myself disconnect from reality a bit. I felt as if I was hot and cold all over. I felt as though I were a million miles away, and yet in the same room, the same heartbeat, as Tom.
Trying to forestall the inevitable, I asked, “What’s wrong with your mother? She seemed perfectly fine.”
“Multiple Sclerosis. You may have noticed how she only ever used her left hand.”
I’d imagined so many things, but this...wasn’t one of them. My heart went out to this woman who had this hanging over her head.
“She didn’t appear sick,” I said quietly.
“Who’s sick,” rose asked.
“Tom’s Mommy.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe she should take the purple medicine. I always feel better after I take the purple medicine.”
Tom looked at me with a question in his eyes. “Children’s Tylenol,” I said.
“Ah,” he replied with a chuckle. “No, Rose, that won’t help my mom get better.”
“Is she going to die?”
“Yes, but we don’t know when and it should be a while before that happens.”
Internally I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d deflected his moment, his totally wonderfully inappropriate moment and hopefully I could keep putting it off.
Tom was whispering something in Rose’s ear while I smiled at the two of them. Tom was a good guy, something I was only really beginning to notice. He really cared about people, which I would have noticed earlier if he hadn’t been so uncomfortable being attracted to me.
Rose gave a definitive nod and said, “Uh huh.” which as any parent knows means yes in a mostemphatic way.
“What are you two conspiring about?”
“Nothing. We’re not con..spea…”
“Conspiring means plotting or planning. Usually in secret.”
“Oh, then we were conspinning.”
“Conspiring, Rose,” I said with a smile. My daughter hates when someone thinks she doesn’t know anything. It’s taken me five years, but I’ve learned the best way to teach her is to react as if she was never wrong, and to toss a definition in with a pronunciation. She hasn’t figured out yet I’m onto her little game. I really hope she’s graduated from high school before she does.
“Exactly,” she responded.
Tom and I laughed and Rose grinned at the two of us.
“Do you want to ask her,” Tom asked Rose.
“No, is your conspiring.”
I laughed even harder and Rose smiled a huge happy smile.
“I don’t have a ring…”
“We can’t...you can’t…”
“I can tell you like me,” Tom said.
“It’s not that,” I began.
“But you’re the only woman…”
“Please, don’t,” I said beginning to cry.
“Why not, Cosette? Why shouldn’t I ask what’s in my heart?”
“Because I’m damaged goods. I’m not worthy of this. Maybe, if we’d been together longer, I could convince myself it doesn’t matter, but I was born a guy.”
“I can’t believe you were ever a guy,” Tom said.
“I have baby pictures to prove it.”
“Contrary to popular opinion it takes more than being male to be a guy.”
“How...I never…”
“You know what I would have done if I suddenly lost my masculinity? At the very least I would have locked myself in my room, neither eating nor washing. I’d never go back to work. I wouldn’t wear a bra, I can tell you that much. There is no way in hell I would wear a skirt, let alone a dress.”
“What’s wrong with dresses?”
“My point exactly.”
“I don’t understand...”
“You’re not going blonde on me are you?”
Rose giggled at this and Tom spent a moment tickling her.
“Just because I wear dresses…”
“And skirts and bras and love me does mean you’re more girl than you were ever a man.”
“I’m a woman.”
“See,” he said with a smile, “you didn’t contradict me.”
“About what?”
“Being in love with me,” he said softly taking my hand.
“You didn’t say…”
“I never said ‘I love you,’ even if I do. I love you, Cosette. I said you loved me.”
When he said the words, it was as if something opened up for me in my heart. It wasn’t like I imagined it to be. It wasn’t like it was when I was infatuated with my first wife, or the deep and growing love that I felt for my second.
This was different. It was a delicate thing that just fluttered in my chest. It was sunshine through the trees and it was an ‘ah-ha’ moment. I wasn’t the sort to walk slowly into a relationship. I loved jumping in headfirst and to hell with the consequences.
That wasn’t what destroyed my first marriage, and besides that, I was not my first wife. I wasn’t looking for any excuse to leave mommy and daddy’s house.
It could be considered a character flaw, but the romantic in me loved love. I loved being in love, and heaven help me but I had fallen head over three inch heels in love with Tom.
“I love you, Tom.”
“I know.” he said with a little smirk. I slapped him on the arm.
“How often do you get to say that line and mean it?” Tom said.
“Hopefully just the once,” I said.
Rose was beginning to get exasperated. “He want’s to marry you, Mommy.”
I knew it was coming and still I blushed and felt a flush of excitement run through me. Then reality came crashing down on my ears.
“What about Sam?” I said.
“What does Sam...she’s in the hospital,” he said.
“We need to be there to get her,” I said.
I felt so sluggish and slow in my thoughts. I collapsed a bit when I stood up and Tom was there to catch me. I couldn’t understand what he was doing. “What are you doing?” I said, my words were slurring just a bit.
He helped me to the couch and lay me down.
“We have to get Sam.” I said.
“We have to worry about you right now. I’ll go get her for you. You stay here.”
“I need to go, please,” I said as my world began feeling like it broke apart again. I wanted to be forceful, but I was pleading with him instead. I didn’t have the energy to fight him and when he lifted me off the couch and took me to my bed I simply held onto him.
Rose climbed up on the bed with me and I just wrapped my arms around her. For once she was not the squirmy five year old and just snuggled into my arms. I quickly fell asleep.
I awoke with the sunlight streaming through the window and Rose snoring softly still lying in my arms. I kissed the top of her head and smiled. She might not have grown within me, but this little girl lived in my heart.
A father only really takes part in the conception. Sure, we get to help raise the child, but for the first few years they have a much more intimate relationship with their mothers than with their fathers. They have a place for daddy, but it isn’t the same as mommy’s place.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved being Dad to my girls, but if I could be a mom…
Then my thoughts came back around to the events of last night. My mind refused to focus on those events. It refused to focus on my inability to protect the ones I loved. That, however, I thought about. I blamed myself for the fact that Sam was raped. Sure, I didn’t actually do that to her, but I was the cause.
I was sobbing softly into my daughter’s hair.
“Is there something wrong?”
“Sam?”
“Hey, Andi. How are my favorite girls?”
“Sam? Why are you...smiling?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Those two...they…”
“What two?”
“Brandon and Brandy?”
“They left last night.”
I was looking at her, incredulous.
“Although someone else stayed the night. I’m happy for you, Andi.”
“Tom?”
“Yes, Tom,” said Tom coming in through the door.
“Tom, I think there’s something wrong with Sam. She doesn’t remember what happened last night.”
“Sam?”
“Nothing happened,” she said getting a bit confused.
“Do you remember me picking you up at the hospital?”
“I was at the hospital?”
I looked at Tom for a moment and he watched Sam. I opened my mouth, but then Tom shook his head. It was time to let this drop. I had no idea what was going on with her, but I’d let it all go.
“Don’t worry about it. You were tired. If it’s important, you’ll remember it later,” I said with a smile.
“But I can’t remember,” she said getting a little worried.
“You’re okay now,” Tom said, “It is a side effect of what happened. They said you were fine to come home, and there is no worry about this in the future.”
Tom walked with her out of the room.
“I fixed mommy,” a sleepy Rose said.
“What?”
“I took last night from mommy.”
“What are you talking about, Rose?”
“The...memory. I took Mommy’s bad memory.”
I looked at my little girl. She’d always had a vivid imagination, but somehow I didn’t think this was her fantasy. She called me home from Tom’s house last night. What was she?”
“Honey, how did you take Mommy’s bad thought?”
“I felt Mommy’s hurt last night. In my dreams. Darkness in Mommy’s dream self. I just pushed out the darkness.”
“Dream self?”
“You know, Mommy. The night time dream-self. When you dream?”
I thought that I had some idea of what she was saying, but I had to be sure.
“Did you see my dream-self?”
“Yes, I saw you, when you were my Daddy. At night you dreamed you were a girl like Rose and Mommy.”
I felt myself go cold. “What did you do for Daddy?” I said quietly. Suddenly I was truly terrified that I knew the answer.
“I made your dream-self your awake-self.”
If it hadn’t happened to me, there is no way that I would have believed it. My fear was a cold hard ball in my stomach now. How do you tell a five year old they made a mistake like this?”
“Honey...why did you do that?”
“Because I love girls. I love that you’re a girl now Mommy.”
It killed me to open my mouth and say what I had to next, but it was necessary. “Honey, you have to make me your Daddy again.”
“Why?”
“Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should,” I said, tears in my eyes.
“But, you are happy as my Mommy.”
“More than anything.” I said, openly crying now.
“They why are you sad?” she said patting my cheek.
“Because I have to go back. This isn’t right.”
“Mommy…”
“Rose! I need you to turn me back into your Daddy!”
She cringed when I yelled and I felt like such a terrible person. She leapt from my arms and ran away. I began to cry uncontrollably, sobbing into my pillows. Tom came and sat down on my bed and began rubbing my back.
“Cosette? What’s wrong?”
“I have to go back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“My daughter made me into a girl, and I want her to make me back into a boy.”
“Are you sleeping still?”
“Tom, you did my exam. Both of them. You know that on Tuesday I was a man and on Thursday I was a woman.”
“Yes, but…”
“Somehow my daughter is behind this. I yelled at her to change me back and she got scared and ran away.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you tell her to do something like that?”
“What?”
“Cosette, you are a woman.”
“I know, I look like…”
“No, you are a woman. You know it and I know it. I somehow picked up on it on Tuesday.”
“But I have to be a man. If I’d been a man then Sam wouldn’t have gotten raped,” I said, crying again. “I would have married you,” I said really quietly. I hoped he wouldn’t hear.
He crawled into bed with me and just held me for hours. I heard Sam and Rose playing in the other room. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted so many things that would have made my life worth...something.
If all went according to plan, then tomorrow or soon I would be a man again, back to my life, back to everything I was beginning to hate about myself.
“Tom?”
“Yes?”
“Will you make love to me?”
“Cosette…”
“I want, just once, before all of this ends, to be a woman with her man. I want for you to have me today and tonight.”
“I’m not…”
“Please? I’m not sure how I can go on, but I have to, and maybe the memory…”
“Cosette, please, you can’t do this.”
I kissed him deeply, trying to take his shirt off, but he grabbed my hands and pushed me back. “Get out,” I hissed at him.
“Cosette,”
“Get Out!” I screamed with as much hate as I could muster. I was spitting and yelling and saying things that even now I can’t bear to write. I wanted to claw at him, tear him to pieces. He just turned me around and held me until my shaking ceased and I began to calm down. I relaxed into his grip and fell asleep again.
I awoke with Tom’s hand on my breast. My body was warm, and my breathing was shallow. I could feel a wetness between my legs and I shifted a bit. As I began to feel Tom harden I rubbed against him. He began to massage my breast and a wave washed through me. I let out a soft moan and he rolled me over to face him.
I looked into his eyes, seeing a question there. With everything in my being, every part of my soul, in that moment I was his.
“I will marry you,” I said quietly and heart felt.
He kissed me, and I closed my eyes so he wouldn’t see my tears. He wouldn’t see the lie that I was hiding there. If I were to remain a woman, I would definitely marry him, but that wasn’t going to happen. I needed this punishment to make up for everything that Sam had been through.
The rest of what happened was beautiful and private. It was everything I’d dreamed and more. It showed me the depth of our love and it tore out my heart afterward knowing I would never have anything like this again.
“Are you alright?” Tom said with a concerned voice. There was blood on the sheet.
“I’m a little sore. Apparently I was a virgin.”
He laughed a little and I snuggled into him. He put his arms around me and we fell asleep.
I awoke alone in the darkness. There was a figure of some sort at the foot of the bed. Rose was standing at the edge of the room and looked like she was drawing something in the air with her finger.
“Rose, what are you doing?”
“Trying to make you a Daddy again, Mommy.” She was crying a bit as she said it. I realized that the figure she was trying to draw in the air was me, or at least her impression of me.
“How did you do this before?”
“You were the Mommy in here. I just opened the door so you could get out.”
I smiled at my girl and held her in my arms and tried to help guide her into fixing me.
A strong presence entered the room with us. “Rose, child, what are you doing?” A voice said from the darkness. It was indescribable. The only thing I can truly remember of that voice, the only thing that stuck with me, was the love that was infused in every word.
“I’m trying to make Mommy back into my Daddy.”
“Cosette, how dare you do this to your child.” There was no malice in the words, but they cut me to the core. I felt ashamed at what I’d asked Rose to do, but my response left my lips before I even thought.
“Excuse me?”
“You have hurt her deeply. You have refused a gift that few will ever experience, a gift given from her heart. She saw an imbalance and fixed it. You should be happy that she loves you as much as she does.”
“But Sam was raped…”
“That is not your fault. Some events are set into motion that can’t be stopped, no matter the choices we make. There is one inviolate thing in this universe that can’t be circumscribed. That is freedom to choose. Even I can’t remove that freedom.”
“Not everyone has freedom in this world,” I said a little haughtily.
“Really? Even those in bondage can choose to call out to their father in their need. You choose the person you will be, and if they break you, know this that even that has been felt by one who loves you and your debt is paid.”
I sat there quietly in the dark room, trying to shut out that voice full of love.
“But I’ve sinned…” I began.
“Yes, I know. You lied and you had sex. If those are the worst things you do today, then I’ll count myself happy.”
“What?”
“While I do not condone your actions, I know your heart.”
“Go and sin no more, is that it?”
“It has been said before.”
“Who are you?”
“You believe you know. I will neither confirm nor deny your supposition.”
“But...I don’t believe in magic.”
“Who said anything about magic? There are times that certain people are given a miracle. Accept yours and be happy.”
“What of Rose?”
“Rose has a truly active imagination, much like her mother when she was a little boy. She simply found a way to pass that imagination on to others.”
“Mommy wants to be a boy again,” Rose called out into the darkness.
“Rose, child, sometimes what we want we can’t have. I will not punish the innocent for the desires of another.”
“What are you saying,” I asked.
“I will not allow this power to be used to kill,” the voice said and then we were alone.
“Mommy, I don’t think I can change you back,” she said as she faded.
I stared into the darkness as this dream faded into another. “I think you’re right,” I replied to myself and fell into a much deeper sleep.
If the dream was to be believed...but did I really put any stock into dreams?
I could feel Tom stirring behind me, in more than one way.
“Good morning, Angel.”
“Oh, an angel, am I,” I said with a laugh, “after last night I feel more devil than angel.”
I could feel him shifting a little bit behind me and I pulled a bit away from him, “Oh no, mister. I think I’ve had enough for one day.”
I turned around and he gave me his best puppy-dog expression and I just laughed.
“I’m sore, Tom.”
“Oh,” he said and stopped with all the hip movement he had been working at, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”
“It’s alright, Tom. It was lovely last night.” The strange dream just wouldn’t leave me. There was something there that I was pretty sure I knew exactly what it meant, but I had to be sure. Also, from what I understood, or at least thought I understood, it shouldn’t be possible.
“Tom,” I said and then paused.
“Yes, Cosette?”
“There’s no way I could be pregnant, right?”
He smiled at me, “Of course not. The only way you could be pregnant would be…” and then he stopped and he paled visibly. “You became a woman on Tuesday…how could I have been so stupid.”
“Tom? I haven’t had a period yet…”
“And it looks likely that you won’t have one for at least nine months.”
“Stop kidding me.”
“This is no joke, Cosette.”
“but…”
“Contrary to how we normally track a woman’s cycle, it doesn’t start with menstruation.”
“What are you saying?”
“It begins with ovulation.”
The blood rushed from my own face and I was suddenly cold. I’d spent enough time talking with Sam about all of this that I should have known. My years as a man were showing, however, in that I hadn’t even considered that I might need to worry about this. Sure, in the back of my head the entire time I was wondering if it might be possible, I was hoping it might be possible…
“But, it was just the once,” I said quietly, not wanting to believe the logic of all of this.
“Which is all it really takes.”
The words from my dream came back to me, ‘I will not allow this power to be used to kill.’
“There’s a possibility…” Tom began, but I shook my head, bittersweet tears in my eyes.
“No, there isn’t.”
“Then marry me. Today, this instant.”
“You know I would, but I’m not legally able to.”
“You mean Sam?”
“And the fact that as far as the government is concerned I’m still male.”
He began to laugh and I just looked at him as if he were insane, “you would be the first legal male in the US to give birth,” he said and I grabbed a pillow and began hitting him with it.
“That is not funny, Dr. Lambert. Not funny at all.”
My door opened and Rose rushed in, “Mommy!” she called out and I shrieked and tried to cover Tom and myself with my blanket.
“Rose, I need you to give me a moment…”
She looked at Tom severely, “You’re not supposed to see other people naked unless you’re married.”
I couldn’t help but giggle a little at her austerity...and her accuracy.
“I know, Rose, so your Mommy and I should get dressed and fix that. Go and find your momma Sam.”
As soon as she left Tom went and locked the door and then began to laugh, “why didn’t you lock the door,” he asked.
“I could ask you the same thing,” I said as I started searching for some underwear to put on. After a few moments I turned and looked at Tom. He was lying on the bed and just staring at me.
“What?” I said as I slipped into my bra.
“I was just thinking how beautiful you are.”
I blushed and smiled at him and then slipped into a top and a loose pair of sweats. “Still think so?” I said while modelling my clothing.
“With all my heart and soul,” he said.
Smiling I climbed into bed with him and kissed him soundly.
“Now, get dressed because I’m sure that I’m going to have some explaining to do to Sam when Rose comes to her and tattles about you and I seeing each other naked.”
He laughed heartily and collected his strewn clothing and it was my turn to watch.
“What?”
“Oh, I was just ogling my fiance,” I said with a leer and waggled eyebrows.
He laughed at me and then pulled me out of bed to stand beside him. “Good,” he said and kissed me again.
We unlocked the door and went out. I stopped by Sam’s computer while Tom went into the kitchen. A thought had occurred to me during the talk about ovulation. Sam had the dates when she was most fertile listed on her calendar. She was really trying to get pregnant again and I had a sinking feeling in my stomach as I looked over the past few weeks and noticed there was nothing marked there.
I had to look at the clock on the computer to verify which day it was. With everything that had happened, it felt a lot more than just a couple of days had passed, that was all. Thursday evening had been the night of my date as well as the night when everything had just fallen apart. It was now Saturday morning, so I had slept most of the day through on Friday.
And right there in her preferred bold black font on Thursday and Friday were marked Ovulation. Simple and to the point and damning. I whispered a few imprecations under my breath and went to find Tom in the kitchen with Sam and Rose.
“Can I speak to you for a moment, Tom?”
“Going off to make out a bit more,” Sam asked with a gleam in her eye.
“No,” I said blushing, giving the exact opposite impression than I wanted.
She laughed and Tom followed me into the hall.
“There’s a problem,” I began.
“What now,” Tom asked becoming concerned.
“Sam was at her most fertile on Thursday and Friday.”
“What does,” he began and then stopped and just stared at me, “That’s not good.”
“So, they did...ejaculate,” I said getting a dirty taste in my mouth even saying the term.
Tom just nodded at me.
I swore again and Tom just looked stoic. “Well, we’ve got to tell her.”
“Tell who what?” Sam said joining us in the hall.
“Sam...I know you don’t remember this, and you’re likely not going to believe this, but you were raped on Thursday.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Rose took your memories.”
“Ok, now you’re just sounding crazy,” she said getting angry.
“Sam…”
“Not another word from you, Andi.”
“She’s telling you the truth, Sam. We would never have mentioned anything, since you can’t remember it, but...it was on Thursday,” Tom said.
“What do you mean? What does thursday have to do...oh no. No, no, no. Thursday?” Tears began to come to her eyes.
“I stopped them,” I said, “I mean Tom and I stopped them, but…”
Sam was crying openly now, “Not before they were done,” she whispered.
“We don’t know if…”
“Knowing my luck, it is exactly what will happen. Watch me not even have a miscarriage this time.”
“Sam…”
She collapsed onto the floor and I put my arms around her and we cried on each others shoulders.
“We’ll tell everyone that it’s mine,” I say into her ear.
“But it’s not,” she responded between sobs.
“Yes, it is. Any child that you have is mine. You got pregnant before the change, if you’re even pregnant.”
“I hope I’m not.”
“I hope you are,” I said quietly and sobbed.
“Why would you hope for such a vile…”
“Because I’m pregnant,” I said and broke into heart wrenching sobs on the floor, pulling into a fetal position.
She put her arms around me then and held me.
“Why don’t you hate me,” I asked.
“Oh, I’m pissed at you, you little bitch. You went and got pregnant without me. Tom?”
“Of course Tom,” I replied.
“Well, then I guess he’s going to have to deal with two pregnant women isn’t he?”
“We can have side by side birthing rooms,” I said with a little smile.
“Oh, no. You’re my birthing partner. You’re going to be there in the same room as I am whether or not you’re in labor.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed and Sam kissed me gently on the cheek. “I hate you right now, you know that right?”
“Why?”
“Because you got pregnant on your first try,” she said with a little scowl, but she couldn’t keep it up for long and began to smile.
“It’s going to be okay,” I said, still reacting to her scowl
She hugged me to her and whispered in my ear so only I could hear, “Tom is a really great guy. I’m so happy for you.”
I sat down against the wall and Sam cuddled into me. Tom sat on the other side of me and took me into his arms. It was a wonder how I got to this point, and I was truly scared about what the future would hold.
“I’m not sure what to feel,” Sam said after a minute or two.
“Why?”
“Intellectually I know I was raped. I know you’d never lie to me about something like this, but emotionally I feel nothing at all about it. I feel more violated by the loss of my memories than I do by a rape I don’t even remember happening.”
“Talk to your daughter about your memories. I had nothing to do with that.”
“Oh, my daughter is she?” Sam said with a little laugh. “I seem to remember someone else having at least part of the blame in bringing her into this world.”
“Well, I’m not…”
The phone began to ring and Sam went over to her computer and put on the headset so she could accept the incoming skype call.
“Sure, she’s here.”
I walk over to the proffered headset and put it on. “Hello?”
“Sorry for calling you on a saturday, Andi.”
“Who is this?”
“This is Jackie...Jackie Kelly.”
“Oh,” I said, my mind finally clicking to whom I was speaking.
“What can I do for you, Ms. Kelly?”
“Well, I’ve done some more research and talked to a couple of lawyer friends of mine. We just need to get a doctor to attest to the fact you’re physically female and then I we can actually get you legally declared female.”
“Wait...what?”
“Utah is one of the states that requires that you have undergone GRS. You know Gender Reassignment Surgery? Well, this works in our favor. All they require is a doctor stating that you are physically female and we should easily be able to get your gender changed legally.”
“How long?”
“Well, the main problem is getting in front of a judge. I have a friend in the clerk’s office…”
“Is that legal?”
“Perfectly. We let a judge know we just need them to sign the order. We can arrange to meet him at any time of his, or her I guess, convenience and then we get you declared legally female.”
“Wow...how long do you think that will take.”
“Well...that’s most of the reason that I was waiting this long to tell you. I have a judge who will meet with you at his home in an hour.”
“Wait...what?”
“I spent the last couple of days figuring out how to get this to work.”
“Ms. Kelly, could you hold for a bit?”
“Sure,” she said a little confused.
I put the headset on mute and called out, “Rose!”
“Yes, Mommy?”
“Did you play around with dreams so everyone would recognize mommy as a girl?”
“But, you are a girl, mommy,” Rose said confused.
Bless the uncomplicated nature of children. She figured that since I was a woman, then that was all that mattered. I went back to Ms. Kelly on the phone.
“This is all so sudden.”
“Actually, your insurance paid me more than I expected. I quoted a price for them when I submitted my paperwork, mostly because I had no idea what gender therapy should go for, and they paid it. I immediately felt guilty so I decided I had to do more work for my money…”
This almost seemed too good to be true, but then I looked over at Sam, and remembered the events of the past couple of days. There are good things and bad things that happen in everyone’s lives. Maybe what was happening today was just karma. I had put good out into the universe and good was coming back to me from the universe.
Or maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe these sorts of things happen all the time and we only attribute coincidence to them when we shine the spotlight on them?
Whatever the reason I quickly responded, “give me the address. We’ll be there. What do I need as proof? Would bringing my gyno help?”
“You have a gynecologist already?”
“Sorta...it’d more that we met when he did my first exam...it’s embarrassing but I sort of got aroused by him touching me.”
She laughed on the other end of the phone.
“I could tell you were a little keyed up at our meeting, I assume it only got worse?”
“Yes, and now he’s my fiance.”
“You do work quick. Thank goodness Utah has no waiting period on marriage licenses.”
“Apparently we like to get married at the drop of a hat here,” I said with a smile.
“Don’t let anyone else know or we’ll have people coming here instead of vegas.”
“Never happen. You can’t buy liquor after 1am. That and you can only get a marriage license during normal business hours.”
“What are you talking about?” Tom said embracing me from behind.
“Oh, nothing…” I said with a little smile.
“Really? Nothing?” he said and began nuzzling my neck just behind my ear. I let out a soft gasp and felt myself becoming aroused.
“Before you get too involved with your boyfriend, I’ll give you the address. Don’t be late.”
I wrote the address down and went to get ready for the day. There were the usual distractions, like Rose wanting fifteen different things for breakfast, most of which Sam got for her, as well as some unusual, or should I say at least new ones.
“And why can’t we both shower at the same time?”
“Because I want a shower, not just another excuse for sex,” I said with a smile as I shut the bathroom door between us. I then locked it, to make sure I would be undisturbed. It’s not that I wouldn’t have relished the fun and games. It was more that I was still feeling guilty over my actions the night before.
I was brought up in a conservative home. I’m not talking politics, although my parents are that as well. I mean socially. I’ve mentioned that I’m religious. So, premarital sex is a huge no no...and here I was pregnant.
Well, technically it was a lot more complicated than that, but hey, I don’t need to map out all the sins I transgressed last night.
I still wanted more with Tom, but I was willing to wait. In no way am I suggesting anyone in the audience should follow my lead into the paths I choose to tread. Like I said, love the sinner not the sin.
Yes, I’m a sinner too…
Never mind, I’m stepping away from the bible now. No need to stop reading, I promise.
The point I was trying to make is that I had a personal reason that made sense to me for doing what I was doing.
I only had an hour so again washing my hair was out. I washed the rest of myself and checked for hairs. It had been five days since the last time I shaved. I had been sick at the time, but I felt so gross that I’d shaved my entire body at the time. Checking now I was amazed that I hadn’t begun to grow anything back. My face was expected. As a woman I didn’t expect to grow heavy dark facial hair. Maybe a little fine fuzz...but there was absolutely nothing.
The rest of my body was the same, save for a small patch at my crotch. Well, if this kept up then I’d not have to worry about shaving again. Yay.
I dried off and then brushed out my hair and pulled it into a high ponytail. It was only about six inches long dangling behind my head, but it was there. I really needed to take the time in the near future to really wash and condition my hair. The good brushing would have to be enough for now.
I got dressed taking a moment to realize that I hadn’t really taken a moment since this all began to really look at myself. Standing there in front of my bathroom mirror in just my underwear I was struck by how pretty I was. This was something I had longed for, something I had dreamed of, for most of my adult life.
People talk about how they always knew that they were in the wrong body. That wasn’t me. I accepted what people told me about myself. Sure, I didn’t fit with my peers, something my peers were quick to point out, but I accepted that I was supposed to fit. Responsibility, requirements...Duty. Whatever you call it, it’s a heavy burden for a child to carry. Duty really is as light as a feather but as heavy as a mountain.
So, I tried to live up to what I assumed that people expected of me, and added my own expectations on top of that. I tried to emulate my peers, to greater or lesser degrees of success. There is a reason I love RPGs...but I digress.
I was almost thirty before I realized, like a bolt from the blue, that everything I was feeling wasn’t ‘normal’ in the classic sense. In a moment of clarity all the jagged edges of my life suddenly came together into a single image and I realized that I’d been a girl all along.
People try to explain it through behavior and other outward ‘proofs’ in order to make people believe that they are something that the general public believes is...impossible.
There are no simple answers. There are women who like computers and sports. There are women who are fighters. There are women who desire to be firefighters and there are female police officers.
There are male nurses, teachers, and on and on and on.
What you do doesn’t matter. It is who you are that matters.
Now, if you take certain actions, and behave in certain ways, people accept you more as a man or a woman. And it’s more than your role in society. Masculinity and Femininity can exist no matter what you choose to do.
Maybe it’s not that simple? Maybe we are afraid and so seek those roles that we fell will hide us better in society?
I clothed myself and left the bathroom. Tome attacked me as soon as I left.
“You mussed me,” I said as soon as he was done.
“And a damn good thing I did, too,” he said looking at me with a smile. “We need to hurry if we’re going to be there on time.”
With a giggle and taking his hand I rushed from the house. Same didn’t want to come with us, which is probably a good thing because on the best of days Rose can be a handful. I took the time during our drive to fix my hair. This was one of the times I would be happy that I had no makeup, even though I really wanted to try.
Sure, I’d been active in drama as a teen, so I had worn makeup quite a bit. I’m not talking subtle or glamour makeup. I mean stage makeup that is designed to be seen from space, let alone the last row. And old age makeup is even worse, which I’ve worn as well.
I was the last one to die in Arsenic and Old Lace. Yes, I know, still pretending to be a boy remember?
We came to a stop on the curb and walked up to a middle sized house. I’m not sure what I expected but this suburban split-level wasn’t it. We went up and knocked on the door and an older woman answered.
“You must be here to see Michael. Let me show you in.”
“Thank you,” I said.
We were shown in to a study, of sorts, and the woman, who I assume was the judge’s wife, left us.
“Have a seat,” the distinguished gentleman said. “We’re waiting for my daughter.”
“Your daughter?” I parroted.
“Oh, so she didn’t tell you, huh? Yes, I’m Judge Michael Kelly.”
I giggled nervously and sat down.
“I have to say that you’ve not what I was expecting.”
“Expecting a man in a dress?”
“No, I have more reasonably expectations than that. I’ve been handling these cases for years after all. No, I’ve never before met someone in your circumstance that was just so utterly...female.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Most of the people I see have been shaped by their lives. They have tics that just don’t quite fit. No, they are women, you understand that in my line of work. They are just...more on the male side of the spectrum I guess you could say. Sure, one or two of them have overcompensated...but they all have to live with what life made them.”
“Oh,” I said, tears coming to my eyes. I knew the pain they went through, and to have the humiliation of going through an affirmation in a public court room…
“Could it be that maybe they were just...nervous being in a place where their past was made public knowledge?”
The judge got a thoughtful look on his face, “That is a possibility. I think I’ll have to meet with...people in transition in my chambers from now on.”
“Sorry I’m late…”
“Well, let’s get started,” the judge said with a twinkle in his eyes. There was a change in his demeanor as he said this. He was no longer the kindly gentleman we’d initially met. He was instead a representative of the courts.
“So, who are you both,” the judge began after starting a tape recorder.
“I’m William Carson,” I said, producing my ID.
“I’m Dr. Tom Lambert,” he said also producing ID.
“And I’m Ms. Jackie Kelly.”
“I’d like to note that William Carson is the petitioner,” the judge said. “Dr. Lambert, you have evidence to present the court?”
Tom described in clinical detail his examination of me before and after the event. He of course didn’t mention the event, or how long between examinations there were.
“What is your relationship with the petitioner?”
“We are affianced.”
“Was this your relationship when you did the examination?”
“No, I proposed last night.”
“I see,” the judge said. I wanted to ask questions, but I was afraid that I would be out of order or in contempt or something.
“What do you have to say, Ms. Kelly?”
“I have examined the petitioner psychologically and feel her to be a female in her thoughts. She interacts with the world as a female, is working currently as a female, and as Dr. Lambert has stated is physically a female.”
The judge sat there for a few moments and thought before turning back to me.
“Is there anything else you would like to add?”
“Sure, could we change my name on the...petition? Ok, the petition to be Cosette Andrea Carson?”
“That can be arranged,” the judge said with a smile, “seeing no reason to rule otherwise, and pending a copy of your credentials being sent to my office on Monday Dr. Lambert, I will grant your petition Cosette Andrea Carson, female.”
Those simple words ran through me like lightning. I was legally female. I kissed Tom full on the lips and he hugged me to himself.
“That was simple,” Tom said.
“I pulled a few strings and cut a few corners for my daughter,” Mr. Kelly said, his judge persona left behind. “She thought this was a worthy cause. I have to agree.”
“How can we ever thank you?” Tom said.
“Invite me to the wedding?”
We laughed and I replied, “There’s likely to be more shotgun than wedding veil.”
He looked at me strangely for a moment and then said, “You’re pregnant?”
I blushed when I realized what I’d said. I then proceeded to explain everything that had happened. After I finished Mr. Kelly laughed.
“Well, since I’m sure my daughter would never bring a crazy person into my home on a Saturday…”
“That only happened once,” Ms. Kelly began to protest only to be quieted by a quelling look from her father.
“As I said, I will have to believe your story. You’re likely going to have to wait til Monday, regardless, since the papers won’t be filed ‘til then and it would be basically impossible to get married, even in Vegas. Unless you don’t mind getting married as William…”
I shook my head. There was a mue of disgust on my lips.
“That answers that question,” the Mr. Kelly said. “Jackie, are you staying for lunch?”
“No, I have work to do.”
“On a Saturday? You work too much, girl.”
“I know, Daddy,” she said and kissed him. After that the three of us were shown out of the house. We said goodbye to Mrs. Kelly on the way out.
“Thank you for this,” I said on the front porch to Ms. Kelly, “but you could have just told us it was your father.”
“I know...but I really did try to find another judge who would take the case on short notice. My dad refused to talk to his buddies saying there was no conflict and that he might as well make some use of all the schooling he’d received. His words, not mine.”
I shook my head and smiled, “So, you still up for more therapy sessions? I think I need them now more than ever.”
“You’re really pregnant with this lug?”
I nodded and grinned at her.
“I probably need to talk to Sam as well then…”
My smile ran away and left a frown in it’s place, “Yes, you do,” I said as tears threatened to join the frown.
“What’s wrong?”
I looked at Tom and he got the hint. Good man, that. He told Ms. Kelly what had happened over the past couple of days to Sam, and a look of pain crossed Ms. Kelly’s features.
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” she said quietly. After a long pause she said, “There is nothing uneventful about your life. In one week more seems to have happened than happens in a whole month for most people.”
“Hopefully it slows down here soon,” I said in reply. Tom emphatically nodded his assent.
“Strong silent type, eh,” Ms. Kelly said with a smile.
“Not really,” Tom said with a grin, “but when there’s no real point in adding words to a conversation…oh, I guess that is the definition of that, isn’t it?”
Ms. Kelly and I laughed and the dark mood that had been threatening dissipated.
“Ok, let Sam know I’ll see both of you on Wednesday,” Ms. Kelly said after consulting the calendar on her phone.
“Ok, we’ll be there.” I said and hugged her. She was a little surprised for a moment, but then it was ok. Thought my choices I was deciding the person I would be in the future, and I wanted that person to be outgoing, so I would force myself to be outgoing until it became second nature to me.
Or at least that was my theory.
It was barely noon and I had nothing left to do until Monday. I took the time for my family, Tom included. Tome slept in my bed with me both nights, and I mean slept. He did, however, hold me in his arms and I lay there in the comfort of his embrace.
There would be more to do on Monday, and I would welcome the changes that would happen, but those were changes for tomorrow, today, tonight, I was loved.